His Last Wish
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bank of the Thames ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away.
They did not realise the extent of his holdings.

As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife,

"Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences.

Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful
man to have accumulated all this property......

"Property?", she replies...................

#
#
#
#
"The stupid man had a window cleaning round."

Blind Cowboy Goes Into A Bar

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter.

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says.

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat

The bouncer is a blonde girl

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Adoption

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

I have a dreadful secret

Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted. "But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."
"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".
"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see .I'm a virgin."
Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."

The Drunk Passenger

A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"
"Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."

The Dangers of Predictive Texting

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry neighbour, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to
pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text
as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I
know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen
again.
Regards, Alan.

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her
instantly. He returned to the den where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out.
Anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To
‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards Alan.

An item from the pages of the London Evening Standard.

Last Wednesday a passenger in the back of a minicab going to Liverpool
Street Station leaned forward to ask the driver a question and gently
tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was
silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “are you OK? I’m so
sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, “I
didn’t realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone
so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely
my fault. Today is my very first day driving a minicab. I’ve been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

How Many Children

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."

Magic Sex Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet

Paddy Goes Boxing

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"

Fatherly Advice

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Mail Order Catalogue

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

Dwarf Goes to Doctor

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes,but you will have to be a little patient".

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blownthe head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funnyside, my lap top's beenconfiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

Teacher and Little Girl

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Rachel Carson

Rachel Carson, the noted marine biologist, was stumped. She'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Okefenokee swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Carson went to Jean Felix Piccard (a chemist and the brother of her friend, the deep-sea explorer). Felix looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Felix created a new adhesive from a glutamic ester plus one sodium atom. "You mean?" Rachel said. "Yes," said Felix, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

A Loo'ed Story

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet. "We haven't got one of this here," said the clerk. "Oh, no!" I said, crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I'd called. "Don't worry," he added helpfully. "I'll contact our other outlets to see if there's anybody out there sitting on one."

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

A Monk's Life...

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to
look for him. He sees him banging his head against

the wall and wailing.

We missed the R!"

"We missed the R!"

"We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was... CELEBRATE!"

You gotta be careful how you answer

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewel?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

The Wailing Wall
They beat their breasts and cried out loud,
As they faced the northern wall,
Where the selectors had placed the team selections
On the notice board was their call.

There were some that swore and some that cried,
And some who stood and muttered
Some were proud, some were coy,
And others merely stuttered.

There were voices raised in anger,
Shrill screams split the air,
There were those who didn't say a thing,
Because they really didn’t care.

“I won’t play with him”, one said,
“He’s a bloody hopeless skip.”
And one who very quietly said,
“It’s time I took my trip.”

There were many self selections,
There were lots of “bloody hells!”
There weren't’t very many
who said the Selectors had done well.

The players knew who should be there,
They knew who to pick,
Just ask them when you hear them say,
“That selector is a $$##@!.”

Each year the tears get deeper,
As on the floor they fall,
From those who stand in anguish
Before the wailing wall.

Thanks to the Vale Bowling Club for the cute poem about our favourite sport

A Tribute to Silver Surfers

My computer swallowed grandma
yes, honestly, its true!
i pressed control+enter
and she disappeared from view
it devoured her completely
the thought just makes me squirm
she must have caught a virus
or been eaten by a worm
i've looked in the recycle bin
and folders of every kind
i've even used the internet
but nothing did i find
in desperation, i asked google
my searches to refine
the reply from them was negative
not a thing was found online
so, if inside your inbox
my grandma you should see
please copy, scan and paste her
and email her to me

this is a tribute to all those who have been fearlessand learned to use a computer

they are the greatest!

Paddy's Raffle

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.'

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddy's on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the
police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making
love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of
a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom
lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Vengeance Can Be A Sweet Thing
A Couple decided that they should separate due to the husbands adultery.

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He
told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

The one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

One Liners

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Oxfam shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, . . . they've lost the plot!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

Its 2012 and its the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover (it’s a new fibreglass one – the cast iron ones have all been stolen),tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says,

"Fencing."

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group?

Just look for the grey hares.

What happens when you fall in love with a gambler?

He cheats on you.

What is an archaeologist?

Someone who's career is in ruins!

ANIMAL JOKES

Why did Mickey Mouse go on a rocket to outer space?

To find Pluto

What happened when a skunk backed into a fan?

It got cut off without a scent.

PUNS & SHORT JOKES

Sign spotted at the car wash: "Stop, come clean! Grime doesn't pay!"

A boy told his parents he wanted to raise goats for a living, but he was only kidding.

While shampooing a 4 year old, his mom noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

GROANERS

This sign was placed near a speaker's platform at a recent political convention for the benefit of photographers. "Do not photograph the speakers while they are addressing the audience. Shoot them as they approach the platform."

PARAPROSDOKIANS

I had to look up "paraprosdokian" - Here is the definition:

"A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Should Women Be Allowed To Join The Green Staff ?

Headaches ?

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?”

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back.."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

"She's Not my Wife.”
“She's Not my Wife.”

“She’s Not my Wife.”

His funeralservice will beheld on Friday.

Doctor..... Doctor...

The old man said to the doctor

Do you think I will live another ten years?

Do you drink asked the Doctor

No

Do you Smoke

No

Do you have sex

No

Then what do you want to live another ten years for?

Failing Eyesight

70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”

Thelma exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Failing Memory

Couple in their nineties is both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’

Quickies

Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet.

He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.”

The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier.

The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps £450 pounds ! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me £450 pounds ?”

The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge.£50 pounds for the office visit and £400 pounds for the CAT SCAN.” Ho Ho Ho

Sign on the door of a vet’s waiting room, ‘Back in five minutes, Sit……Stay’

A sign over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr Jones, at your cervix”

On the door of a plastic surgeon’s office: We can help you pick your nose!”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push,”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully We’ll wait.”

A sign in the non-smoking area of a restaurant: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take apprioruate action,”

Lack of Vision

Mum walked into the kitchen wearing her beautiful new fur coat..

Isn't it fabulous? SHE SAID TO HER DAUGHTER, What do you think?

Oh Mum replied the girl some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that

Dorothy! exclaimed her mum, Don't talk about your Father like that.

Turning Back Time

An old couple had retired to bed and the woman was feeling a bit frisky,

Oh Harold, she said, Sometimes it feels just like yesterday that you would put your arm around meas we lay in bed, Wheres all that romance gone So the old man, to keep her happy, put his arm around her.

And then, you used to kiss me, she continued

The old man sighed, turned over and kissed her

And then do you remember, she said exited you, used to nibble my ears?

At that, the old man got out of bed and walked to the door

Harold! she called sitting up in alarm where are you going?

Just to the bathroom to get my teeth.

Wooo! Wooo!!

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave?

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about

Was the other Indian crazy or what??

The Indian replied No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into they opening If they get an answer back it means theres a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us

Just then they came upon another cave, stopped and hollered Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

Immediately there was an answer Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! from deep inside

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irish man wandered around the woods for a while and then spied a third large Cave

As he looked on in Amazement at the size of the opening he was thinking Hoo Man Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found There must be a fine big woman in this cave

He stood in front of the cave and Hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! like the others he heard an answering call, WOOOOO,! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,he raced into the cave tearing all his clothes off as he ran

The following day the headlines of the local newspaper real.........................................

YOU’LL LIKE THIS

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN ?????

Roulette
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to
her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world
should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know.
Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette
table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through
the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling
over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"
The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29.
When 36 came up, she just fainted!"

Mistaken Identity

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on
the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she
sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another
30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in
and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40
years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another
30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Operator: ''Please, calm down, Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* ................. *BANG!*....................

Irishman: ''Okay, Oi've done dat. What next?''

Strip Tease

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door, he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly,followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "

The LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Tom to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Tom loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He
can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
" Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

At 3 a.m., on a cold, wet night, a man is woken by a banging on the door.
Standing shivering outside is a drunk, who says:"Will you give us a push?"
"At this time, and in the rain?" the man shouts, and slams the door in the drunk's face.
When he tells his wife the story, she says:"How unkind of you! Don't you remember when 2 cars stopped when we broke down, and they went out of their way to help us?"
So, grumbling, the man dresses, opens the door and shouts:"Do you still want a push?"
"Yes please" comes the faint reply.
The man steps into the road:"Where are you?"
"Over here."
So he goes round the corner:"I can't see you"
"Over here!"
"Where?"
"On the swing."

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10.. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural ?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

Say That Again

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'Special Needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

"Colin, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Colin replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Colin’s ear, Placed his other hand on top of Colin’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed for Colin, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Colin, how is your hearing now?"
Colin answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Bank Robbery

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. ...
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a good look at you"

Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house,
new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two tennage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The
bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Grand Ma’s Dont Know Everthing

Little Matthew was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Matthew said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids..
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.. It's called Bunk Beds..
And Jimmie's mom wants to talk to you.'

Fantastic Marriage

John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness," said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years," replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years!"

"Don't be fooled; she only does it to make the dog jealous."

Dentist Reassuring Patient

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
Nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
Gloves.

' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.

' No, I don't, ' she replied.

' Well, ' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank of Latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves And throw them into boxes of the right size. '

She didn't crack a smile.

' Oh, well. I tried, ' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

' What's so funny? ' he asked.

' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '

Another Blonde Joke

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this....

Yep. I know you will...
.
.
.
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Stress……

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, 'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem..
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued,
'And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, the burden will become increasingly heavy: and we won't be able to carry on.'
'As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again..
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.
So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down: don't carry it home.
You can pick it up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
let them down for a moment if you can.'

So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.
Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Just accept that, some days, you're the pigeon: and, some days, you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

*Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "recalled" by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, But you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp; some are pretty; and some are dull.
Some have weird names; and all are different colours; but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour..

Job Description

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?""I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl.""No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?""Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

Irish Golfer

Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it.

"I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud.
Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?"
"Well, short of selling my soul, yes."
"How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?"
"Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse.
One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with
the Devil to become a great golfer?"
"True, enough."
"And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?"
"True again!"
"And may I have your name, sir?"
"Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."

Lost Wife

Two guys, one old bloke and one young, are pushing their carts around
Homebase Hardware store when they collide.
The older bloke says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going.'
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old bloke says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old bloke says......'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Now How Did They Do That ?

Dosnt Alway Pay To Be Honest

"How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

Mother Superior

As she passed the young ladies first thing in the morning, Mother Superior said "Good morning Ladies."The novices replied "Good morning Mother Superior, may God be with you" But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for your students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile and think, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good Morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today and grants you a wonderful day.'' "Ah, good morning Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

Mother Superior was floored ! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong ? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped, and looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers !!!!!

Indian Brave

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
The Indian replied, "She called Four Horse"..
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife, but it's a beautiful one.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It very old Indian Name. It means:
Nag ....... nag ...... nag ...... nag

What was that Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.

'The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.

''Do you mean a rose?

''Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

Doctors Advice

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his Coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red Roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their Good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the Heart closed again.

It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,

"Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"I'm a Gynaecologist ....

Best Ever Blonde Joke ?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle...

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . . . .. . .. ..

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Gotta Luv The Irish

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy calls EasyJet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your friggin plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pre tend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

We've all been there!!

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills? If any need explaining I really don’t want to know !!!!!!l

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program..
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS...Be Prepared..

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder .

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go rough the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of soda I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The soda is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water. I put the soda on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers . I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water , there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

WOMEN ARE REASONABLE CREATURES

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl”.

“now I have a £1,500,000 home, a £45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that your not holding up your side of things”.

My wife being reasonable woman. She told me to go our and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap flat, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10inch black and white TV.

ONE
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

TWO
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

THREE
I was checking out at the local K-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

FOUR
Recently when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.' 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

EIGHT
Police in Newcastle , N.S.W interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 000, very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room--the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer..... '

Dispatcher: 'Rush him to the emergency room!'

Golf Challenge

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'
Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with knee.’
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then,
the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'
Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'
Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.
Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'
Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of
his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther
down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'
'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger
'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just
play the ball towards his voice.'
Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'
Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'
Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you
like to play?'
Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

Sad Tale

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test
and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion? " queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship? "
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation. " said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."

Popes Liberal Blessing

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

Thought for the Day The Bible teaches to love your neighbor, and Kama-Sutra explains how.

Men Just Don’t Listen

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
Cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled.

“Shut up you, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

No Where To Hide

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner,
she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms, he tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 0pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head,
a minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea
you were this religious'
The boy turns, and whispers back 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist'.

Baptising an Irishman

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'
(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher,

'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'

11/08/2009 - As Author Of This Web Site, I Believe That It Is Important For Bowlers To Be Fit In Body and Mind To Enjoy This Sport.

BODY

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arm straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

MIND

ANAGRAMS For All You Crossword Lovers

EXAMPLE :- PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:

Swine Flu

I called the Swine Flu hotline… all I got was crackling.

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trots.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning… Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.

News Flash… this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world. Well, it’s a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?”

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

Feeling bored on the bus, train or Underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze…

Wife runs out of petrol and phones husband… I'm scared to fill up she says 'cos of this swine flu.
He says you daft woman it's in Mexico not Texaco.

Half price on return flights to Mexico - it's not like you're coming back, is it?

You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.
A lion a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how great they are.
The lion says when I roar the whole jungle shakes.
The bear says when I roar the whole forest trembles.
So what says the pig all I have to do is sneeze and the whole world goes mad!

If Tommy Cooper Was Alive Today

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

‘ And That’s How The Fight Started’

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust". And that's how the fight started.....
*********** ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0
to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? '
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's how the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I
told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

Earing On The Truth

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed."Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer."Will you hold my hand?"

Model Prisoner

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

A man going to a bar to meet his friend, while he was going in he noticed two women looking at him and one said "Nine."
He walked over to his buddy and said "One of those ladies over there rated me nine out of ten?"
His buddy replied "I'm sorry to let you down but when I came in they were speaking German."

Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

Googly

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby
World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey", said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he
had long existing and advanced prostate problems, and that the only cure
was testicular removal.
"No way doc", replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised
him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu
refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the
corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion
from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin, doc?"' asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off
your balls."
"Phew, thunk God for thut"' said Wiremu, "Those Aussie bastards wanted to take mi test tickets off me!"

Monkey Business

Outside Bristol Zoo, there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine
charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then one
day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility"...
"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the
City Council, wasn't he?"...
"Err NO!"
Sitting in his villa in Spain , is a bloke who had been taking the car park fees
estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...
Assuming 7 days week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million...

Fantastic...

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple, both working in a Chinese restaurant get married. Both are virgins, but she is unaware of his condition.On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My Daalling,' he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you belly flighten. I plomis you I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, juss anyting you want. You juss ask... So... Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly in the hope to impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want tly something I have heard about from other gurls... Numbah 69.'

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Gr ass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow..

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

Ah, come on now. The old ones are the best.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does
this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's
Not Unusual.'
8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.
11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' The doctor replied,
'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says, 'Dam !'
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a
fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, And were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to Disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
19. And finally, there was the person who sent many different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken

Patio Problem
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought
100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area
was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray
put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to
keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he
stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put
your patio away every night?"

True Confessions Of A GolferA man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel
absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go
over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and
fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and
grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.
"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his
claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the
green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes,
careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and
stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

Selective Hearing

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Buckle Up
I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked,
"Do I click the square?" I said, "Yes." She asked, "Single click or double
click?"

Irish Shipwreck
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter..
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith And begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs In there too!"

Can Only Be In America
A new supermarket opened in Tampa, Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning breakfast cooking..
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
..... I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Heart Surgeon
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser.
Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on
the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So
Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in
new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come
you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try
doing your work with the engine running."

Swallowed Money
Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
"Do you see any change in me?"

Panda Lunch
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A
tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and
white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Tree Problem
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after
only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My
wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an
explanation.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.
"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"
"Autumn," he replied

UpholsteredDid you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered

For the SickA little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"
"No." her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw
up behind a bush."
In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," replied the little girl.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box
next to the front door that says "for the sick"

Button Injured In F1 Incident

A Deed of GiftA local farmer, whose land adjoined the village bowling green,
offered the club a small field next door to
the green for the future use of the members.
Asked by the club treasurer the cost,
Oh it's free said the farmer, but I'd watch the bull, "HE CHARGES"

Pay Your Money or Make Your Choice
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her....Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag .
Oh, really? Shxt! says the little old lady. I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!
Well, now, not so fast, says the cop. How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the car parking of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, £20 or off it comes.'
Well , that seems only fair, laughs the cop. OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?'
Well, says the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays.'

How was your bowling game?
How was your bowling game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was bowling well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the bowl went.”
“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even bowl anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack.
“Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yes,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering up the green.
“I forgot.”

20 Things That You Really Did Not Want To Know
1. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
2. Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
3. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
4. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
5. Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing.
6. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.
7. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His wife or mother because they were both deaf.
8. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
9. "Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.
10. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
11. Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
12. According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
13. The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi- Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenua---anatahu - a New Zealand hill.
14. More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss.
15. Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
16. Coca-Cola was originally green.
17. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
18. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
19. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
20. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

To Win To Win
It matters not whether you Win or Lose,
What matters is whether I Win or Lose!

If
If you can always roll the jack, right at your skippers feet,
If you can always draw the shot, the one that must be beat.
When asked to play a ‘yard on’ do you judge it to perfection?
And when you’re called to drive, can you always make correction?
If you can come up smiling when the other bloke,
Puts your shot out of play and treats it as a joke.
If you’re the one who saves the day, I’ll say to you my son,
“You’re a bloody hero, what’s more the only one!”

A Bowls Selectors Prayer
Blessed are they who can play sport
Blessed are they who can still be taught
Blessed are they who accept with grace
To play in any SELECTED place!!
Amen

Conversation between Skip and Third
Skip to Lead : “Good bowl ! You need a bit more grass and a bit more weight”.
Skip to Third : “You need to change your hand and put on a foot !”
Skip to Third : “Which is the danger bowl ?
Third to Skip : “The one your holding!”

Irish Joke
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says
'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, ‘Yes - that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of
town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
(thanks Val)

Four bowlers
Four bowlers were out on the ‘Green’ practicing. As one of them was about to bowl at the 15th end, which was next to a busy road, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said,
“You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.”
And the bowler answers :
“Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!”

Quickies

Did you hear about the man who fell into a bowl of Muesli ?
The currant dragged him under!

Lady Bowler says to her friend “As I said before I never repeat myself - as long as I can remember I have amnesia.”

A Notice Outside a Second Hand Shop Read :- We buy sell and exchange all bowling equipment and accessories. Why not bring your wife along and get a fantastic bargain.

What do the guests do at a cannibal wedding. They toast the bride and groom !!!

Skip was having a hard time
In ‘Your Bowls Club’ a well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. “Where’s our nearest bowl?”.
“In yer ******* hand!”, answered the skip.

Bowling Balls
A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Half Hour Late
Half hour late a couple of weeks ago, I practiced bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practice, so I asked him if he wanted to practice next week.
He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week he shows up right on time, and we practiced, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practice again next week.
He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”
I then asked him: "How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”
He said :"When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”
I then ask; "So, what if she is laying flat on her back?” “That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied.

The Odds"Remember" the world is a big place.
Even if you are a Bowler in a million,
It means there are a 1000 more like you around the world.

Friendship.Old Bob was missing Joe, his bowling buddy of over 50 years. He had passed to green's anew
just last year, and Bob couldn't help but wonder how he was getting along.
So later that day whilst talking with a friend it was suggested that he sought the help of a medium,
who agreed to try and make contact with Joe. So the next evening, after the usual formalities
contact was made, and this is how it went!
Hi Bob, said Joe.
What’s it like up there, asked Bob?
Great food, Nice people, Lovely weather, and we get to bowl as much as we like, replied Joe.
That's good news, said Bob!
No! said Joe, good news is you're skipping FRIDAYS TRIPLES !!!!!

Q: What do you do with someone who can’t draw, can’t roll the jack, can’t set the mat, can’t keep score and won’t listen?A: Make them Skip