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August 22, 2012

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Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

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NATO reported that an aircraft used by U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey was hit by a rocket in Afghanistan. Dempsey was not on board however, instead busy posing with his well-known pretend hoagie.

Commenting on the incident, a NATO spokesperson said, "We think it was a lucky shot." Taking a page straight out of "The Art of War," which said, "Know your enemy is generally a big doof."

Police spoke with Lindsay Lohan about her possible involvement in a burglary. It was like that interrogation scene in "Basic Instinct" except she was passed out and exposing herself.

CNN reports that Paul Ryan's college sweetheart was black. Ryan apparently cared for her very much, unlike CNN's relationship with actual news.

Al Capone's home in Florida is up for sale. Said the real estate agent, "See here, it's got a guest bathroom brick, see? And see here, it's got two walk-in closets, see? And get a load of this, it's got stainless appliances, see?"

Rosie O'Donnell revealed that she had a heart attack last week. It was a real wake-up call that the Domino's delivery man should not be her real wake-up call.

Uncooked bacon found in a field where Muslims were celebrating the end of Ramadan is being investigated as a hate crime. Because it'd be a crime to hate bacon so much that you'd just leave it in a field.

After Rep. Todd Akin canceled on him, CNN's Piers Morgan said he was a "gutless little twerp." Explained Morgan, "What do you have to be afraid of? I'm super British."

"Gossip Girl" star Blake Lively says she'll never do a nude scene in a movie. An ad on the side of a bus for a show on Fox on the other hand... http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kupy2gh6nL1qa77qho1_500.jpg

In Illinois, Bain Capital is outsourcing a car parts plant and flying in Chinese workers to be personally trained by the Americans they're replacing. It's a real Catch-22 if Catch-22 was about how a whole country didn't care their economy was getting gutted.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say the increasing number of uncircumcised boys could cost billions of dollars later on. Said researchers, "The therapy bills alone to make people forget they saw such a gross-looking penis will be astronomical."

A liberal nonprofit group is launching a multimillion-dollar campaign attacking the conservative Koch brothers and their political influence. The Koch brothers would be more worried if they could remember what the word "multimillion-dollar" meant.

A Freedom of Information Act request has been filed to obtain the White House's secret beer recipe. Interestingly, the list of ingredients is almost as long as Obama's secret kill list.