Dating Maze #361: Husband Plus Three?

The man I’m dating has children, but my life is carefree!

I have been dating a guy for the past few months and things are really going well. I like him, respect him, and think he is a really good person. I am also attracted to him. I know that he feels for me, too.

Our backgrounds are similar, but there is a key difference – he is divorced with three children, and I have never been married.

At age 40, although I am what some might call an “older single,” I am very young emotionally and in every other respect. My life is very carefree and focused on “me.” I do not have any responsibilities to others. I do what I want, when I want.

He is very serious about me and I am also serious about him. But every now and again I experience a bit of a “crisis,” usually triggered by him telling me about family things he does which sound so “grown up” and so outside my frame of reference – e.g. PTA meeting, family vacations. At these “crisis” junctures, I wonder whether I can take on someone whose life is not just him, but the children and everything that comes with it (ex-wife, etc.). At the same time I so much respect and value that he is such a good daddy.

What should I do when these “crises” hit?

Sandie

Dear Sandie,

The small "crises" you write about – moments when you wonder if marrying a man who has children from a prior marriage will be more than you can handle – are shared by many people in your situation. When they began to date for marriage, they expected that as newlyweds, they and their spouse will focus exclusively on each other and their relationship. Children from an earlier marriage are not part of this idealized picture.

It is therefore a big step to go out with someone who has children, because it involves reworking old expectations into something more complex. You’re not just fitting another person into your life; you'll be acquiring an instant family. It's only natural to worry if you will be able to handle all these dramatic changes.

So, although you describe yourself as emotionally young and self-focused, the doubts you are experiencing are not signs of immaturity and selfishness. On the contrary, it takes a degree of maturity, honesty and self-knowledge to admit that the idea of marrying someone with children is a bit scary, and you wonder if you can handle it.

By definition, singles don't have a significant other to be responsible for.

Before we discuss different ways to address that fear, we'd like you to discard the labels you've used to describe yourself and take a good look at who you really are. You told us you're an "older single" who's never really had responsibility for anyone other than herself, has gone and come as she pleased, and who need not consider anyone else's needs or wishes. That's pretty much what being single in the 21st century is about. Most singles are ego-centric, because by definition they don't have a significant other in their life to be responsible for. In generations past, the majority of adults moved beyond this phase of life by their mid-to-late-20s. Because contemporary culture seems to idealize and encourage a me-oriented lifestyle (they don’t call it the iPhone and iPad for nothing), many adults have prolonged this phase of their life into their 30s, and beyond.

It sounds like you're a bit upset with yourself for not yet having "outgrown" this phase of life. But instead of regretting the path you've followed, realize that most people don't begin to broaden their focus until they're ready to marry and include someone else in their life.

It seems like this is exactly what you're now doing. Until now, you may not have been emotionally ready to stretch yourself for someone else, but you now seem to want that. In addition, you observe how the man you're dating makes room in his heart for you and for his children, and you admire that. We sense a tone in your letter that you long to be able to do that, too.

In addition, we do not detect any selfish or bitter undertone in your letter – no "I'm going to have to share him with someone else" – that is sometimes part of the process of adjusting to marrying someone with children. It sounds more as if you're saying, "Car-pools, helping with homework, and becoming a step-parent are all such 'grown up' responsibilities – and I wonder if I can take them on."

Your Caring History

We’d like to present another perspective to help you become more comfortable with your ability to assume this new role in life. For the moment, set aside your comments that you've been able to come and go as you please and make choices without having to worry if someone else is depending on you. (Remember, that's part of being single.) Now think about the various ways that you have fit other people into your life, and the times you've thought about others and been helpful to them.

Have you sat up late at night with a friend who needed a listening ear? Heard an appeal for charity and made a donation? When a close friend or family member had an important birthday or event coming up, did you ever help plan a party and make an effort to buy them a special gift? Have you ever accompanied a friend or relative to a movie or event that was important to them, even though you would have preferred to be anywhere else? How about bringing medicine or chicken soup to someone who was sick? Keeping quiet so a roommate could study or sleep? All these demonstrate thoughtfulness and consideration for others, not selfishness.

Similarly, even though you don't have responsibilities to others on a daily basis, you can probably find many examples of “handling responsibility.” At work, do you do what's expected of you, and – even more – sometimes devote extra effort? Do you pay your own bills, arrange your own medical appointments, and make your own major decisions? Self-sufficiency is an important element of responsibility.

Have you ever participated in a community service project?

Beyond this – do you own up to your mistakes and learn from them, instead of blaming others? Do you avoid potentially dangerous activities like driving over the speed limit? Do you recycle? Avoid a lot of consumer debt? Have a savings plan at work? Give charity? Have you ever looked after a friend's pet, checked on an ailing neighbor, or participated in a community service project? All of these show responsibility to yourself and to others.

We're guessing that you already do many of these things. It’s also possible that the good-hearted man you are dating sees these same qualities in you. If you'd like to further develop your sense of caring and responsibility for others, think of ways you can show extra kindness and consideration to people who are close to you, as well as participating in a community service project.

After having answered these questions about yourself, are you able to acknowledge that you have been and can be generous, thoughtful, unselfish, and responsible in a number of situations? Think about this the next time you begin to worry about your ability to make the transition from self-focused single to married woman with a ready-made family. Sure, you are scared how all this will be a big stretch for you. But you can also remind yourself that you have a good heart and can be responsible for others. These are the foundations you can build upon.

Available Resources

Beyond this, there are a number of things you can do to help succeed in changing from single to spouse, and from non-parent to step-parent. Here are some recommendations:

(1) Read books that define realistic expectations of marriage and what the adjustments to married life entail. We suggest Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski's The First Year of Marriage(Shaar Press) and our book, In The Beginning (Targum Press).

(2) If you and the man you're dating decide to marry, schedule a session with a therapist who specializes in helping couples transition into married life. Use the meeting as an opportunity to discuss your respective expectations and concerns about the marriage and blending your family, and to identify any areas that the two of you might want to work at this early point in your lives together.

(3) Look into the availability of marriage education workshops in your community, such as those run by the Shalom Task Force or Prepare and Enrich. These are invaluable resources to help all engaged or newly-married couples hone the relationship skills that can optimize their transition from single to married.

(4) Your fiancé learned how to be a father to his children gradually, while you'll want to learn about them and what makes them tick relatively quickly. Have a long talk with your fiancé about his children. Learn as much as you can about each of their personalities, strengths, weaknesses, interests, friends, schedules, ways of dealing with frustration, and relationship with their siblings and with each parent.

(6) Family therapists are an extremely helpful resource when one or both of the future spouses have children. A family therapist can help the two of you address the many unanticipated issues that arise when you blend a family. Try to schedule a first meeting early in your engagement. Depending on the children's ages, the therapist may suggest that you all meet together for at least one session to discuss each child's hopes, expectations, and concerns. It's important for children to feel that their parents want to know their concerns and that they will be working together as a family. In addition, it is reassuring to have a family therapist "in the wings" to help if they can't work through a difficult issue by themselves.

(7) Finally, if your fiance is on relatively good terms with his ex, try to be on good terms with her, too. If they don't get along, you can empathize with your fiance's frustration, but stay out of their battles. Be as cordial as you can to her – your step-kids will appreciate the respect and cooperation you display to their mother.

We know that this is an exciting, happy, and also slightly scary period in your life. We hope that our suggestions will minimize the anxiety you sometimes feel so that you can move more confidently into the future.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 21

(13)
Magda,
October 14, 2013 6:35 AM

It's One Package

Dear Sandie...I am about 5 years older than you. I used to have a long distance date with a man with 3 teenagers. I didn't think it could be a serious problem though. But it's true that once the thought of having 3 teenagers was so bothering to me until the day I decided to be their friends. Perhaps it's just my fate that anything discussed between me and my boyfriend will never into reality since he recently "departed".Your boyfriend sounds like a real nice man. I would just suggest that you think about all the good things that will come on your way...G-d bless!!

(12)
Bobby5000,
July 13, 2012 12:39 PM

happily married with step children

We just celebrated a wonderful 25 year anniversary with children. If you like the children, You do a wonderful thing by helping raise them, and it can be one of the most fulfilling things in your life. You get into real life quickly, and you may help with a 7 year old feelings that no one likes him, as opposed to the color of a new dress.
If you want to do it and love your new husband and his children, it will work out fine.

(11)
Shiri B,
July 10, 2012 4:40 PM

Question to other commentators

Why is it so very wrong to acknowledge one's needs and try to fulfill them? Self-denial is the road to happiness?
This man brings a whole lot of new tasks to her, but what is he ready to give to her? only status of a married woman? I hope more than that. There are some very smart-ass men who marry so that they can have readily available free babysitter.

Sarah,
August 6, 2012 8:14 PM

too bitter!

that is such a bitter comment. You are making such terrible assumptions about this man whom you do not know at all. Maybe you've been hurt in a similar situation, but it doesn't make all divorcees bad husbands. This is simply baseless hatred and that was the reason for the destruction of the Bet Hamikdash.

(10)
Larry,
July 4, 2012 3:18 PM

Stay his friend.

You deserve a chance to start your family. He had his and chose unwisely. He should also man up, raise his family first then worry about himself. Whether they live with him or not. If you decide to stick around take your time and resist any attempts by him to get married. If you decide to have kids with him how do you think his kids would react? Dad would now be divided up between two families, and it would be your fault. You can marry a rich man or poor man and love them equally as much. You can marry a single man or a divorcee and love them equally as much. You can even fall in love with a married man and convince yourself it's the right thing to do. You can convience yourself of anything. Up until now you haven't found the right man and have stayed single. How much of this does your age have to do with it? Are you worried you'll never find the right one? Is the clock ticking so loud you cannot hear yourself anymore? Are you setteling for a divorsee? If you are not willing to court this man the appropriate amount of time before marriage, giving plenty of time to see what being with this family is really like, then You are trying to rush this, and my advise would be to stay his friend.

ST,
July 5, 2012 5:46 PM

Marrying a divorcee is not settling

That notion is offensive the thousands of divorced people out there, who remarry sucessfully.

Larry,
July 13, 2012 7:28 PM

My questions offend you?

People settle for all sorts of reasons? I know it sounds terrible.

Anonymous,
July 8, 2012 4:25 AM

mistakes happen

we are all human beings and do make mistakes.... some make smaller mistakes and some make bigger... that is part of the journey of life. hatzlacha to all! and to this lady: .... May Hashem be your ultimate guider and protector here.... and may you find your husband soon , either this one or another, and may you both be so happily married to each other in every way you both want and need to be- till 120!

(9)
Bobby5000,
July 2, 2012 12:12 PM

Nothing said about the children?

You are entering an entire family. Do you like the children, do you want to help raise them. Your comment about how you "respect and value that he is such a good daddy" seems to ignore that you will be part of the new family.
I married a woman with two children and I am very happy and consider raising two children one of the best accomplishments in my life. It would not have succeeded how I regarded them as her children.

(8)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2012 7:30 PM

I was in your shoes once...

...and I married him. It was a nightmare almost from Day 1. He sat there stunned while his kids treated me with disrespect. After the gushing attention of our dating phase, he hardly noticed me once we were married. I had the sense that I was a missing puzzle piece; that he just needed a wife to complete the picture. Now that he had one, he could go back to focusing on his kids. It was horrible. Thank G-d we're now divorced, and I don't have to live in that miserable family anymore. Sorry to be so negative, but I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in, that it's not easy and doesn't always work out. As a woman, I think you deserve a man who only has eyes for you.

(7)
SusanE,
June 26, 2012 5:04 PM

It Can Be OK but it depends on his ex and his Kids.

Marrying a man with children can be OK, and he can be a great father, but much of how your relationship with their father progresses depends on the ex-wife and the kids. Do they live with their Mother? How is custody shared? Are they boys or girls? Are they secular or religious? Is the ex a good woman or a wretch? How long have they been divorced? How have they gotten along with any other women friends of his? Even on the very best of terms with a mans ex and his children, it isn't easy to be the newcomer of his shared affections. The only plus and this is a big one is that you are not the cause of their marriage breakup.
You must know that 'your' home will not be just your and his....... it will include his children, your money will be shared by his children and so will your holidays and vacations, and week-ends. Actually, if he has custody, your life will change dramatically, and the good or bad of it will depend on the children. Children are the very most important consideration in a broken home. They need a safe and secure environment and adults they can count on.
I would suggest you begin blending into his family way before marriage.... a few long lunches with his ex would be a good start.

(6)
Diane FAber,
June 26, 2012 4:41 PM

Not for everyone

In my 40s, I married a man with sole legal and physical custody of three children ages 10, 7 and 5. From that day forward, it has been give, give give on my end. We all get along beautifully and they are in most respects no different to me than if I bore them (I know this because I also have a biological child), but it has been a lot of work and self-sacrifice by me and my husband. When you marry a family, it is very challenging to create private space, build your adult relationship, or otherwise to have a "shana rishona" as the Jewish tradition provides. Most stepmothers I know simply laugh at the idea of shana rishona. If your primary life goals are about yourself, your experience and your feelings, I would strongly advise against marrying a man with children -- it would not be fair to them. Children of divorce (or orphans) deserve to have the adults who care for them looking out for their best interests, growth and development, and basic needs -- not someone who is waiting for them to leave so she can have the father to herself.

(5)
Rob,
June 26, 2012 1:00 PM

Balancing giving and receiving

Perhaps the woman also needs to take some time for an honest assessment of what she wants in the long run, when she wants it, and what sacrifices she is willing to make for it. There are many 40-somethings who are not "settled down", and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. But if her main priority is and always will be her own needs and what she gets out of relationship instead of what she wants to give, she may not be a good match for the man she is dating.

Robert Rabinoff,
July 2, 2012 7:00 AM

Givers and Takers

"If her main priority is and always will be her own needs and what she gets out of a relationship instead of what she wants to give" -- not only will she not be a good match for this man, she will not be a good match for anyone. How many people from how many cultures and religions have all said the same thing -- the prerequisite for a good relationship (of any kind among any number of people) is that everyone is there to give. If everyone gives, everyone receives. If everyone wants to take, nobody gets anything. It's like the story of heaven vs. hell. In both places everyone is sitting at a table groaning with food. In both places nobody has elbows, so they can't bend their arms. In Heaven everyone is feasting, because they're all feeding one another. In Hell, everyone is starving. Rob -- you hit the nail right on the head!

Anonymous,
July 8, 2012 4:15 AM

you have to like what is there to be a giver.... there has to be taking so that the giving can healthily take place.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2012 3:29 AM

deap breaths deap breaths!!!

it´s hard... there are wonderful beautiful days, and then there are days when you just wanna kick them out of your house.... i´ve been married for four years to an amazing guy that came with four children... you have to be strong! you have to know that until the children get married and understand what a family and a home is, they will not appreciate you. I have had times where I just sit and cry, but then I remember how wonderful my husband is and take a deap breath and thank Hashem for the marvellous opportunity I have to do chessed with this children. Also, my husband never leaves me with the ´package´. At the end of the day, they are his children, and he´s the one that deals with the situations. Baruch Hashem we support each other a lot!
My husband´s first daughter is getting married and many situations arrise, do I go to her mikvah ceremony? Watching my husband ´walk down the aisle´with his ex wife doesn´t look to me like the picture perfect... but I take deap breaths... and smile and thank Hashem for having such a wonderful partner, best firend, husband and father to our children!!
Good luck!!!

Anonymous,
July 8, 2012 4:16 AM

bless you!

(3)
Yehonasan Easton,
June 25, 2012 11:23 AM

There are books that should be read

I would urge with all of my strength that both the parties to this prospective marriage to read HaRav Shalom Arush's books: "Garden of Peace" (for Men) and "A Woman's Wisdom" (for women).
These books have strengthened my marriage immeasurably.

(2)
ST,
June 25, 2012 2:50 AM

Take it slow

It does not even sound like you have met his children yet. I'm in a similar situation, though my almost-fiance has one child, not three. You have to spend time with his kids to know if you can really do it. The relationship with the ex is very important, especially the ability of your partner to set boundaries with the ex. Good luck, and don't rush.

(1)
Anonymous,
June 24, 2012 7:22 AM

Marrying a man with kids

I married a wonderful man with adult/nearly adult children when in my forties as a long time single. It has certainly taken some adjustment, but, several years on, I am very glad I did. Some things I might suggest anyone embarking on such a move to think about based on my experience:
1) You are right to realise that you are marrying a family, rather than a man per se. Yes, you should be no 1 in his life, but his children will always be very important to him and rightly so (would you really want to marry a man who didn't feel that way?).
2) It takes time and sensitivity to build good relationships with stepchildren. A softly softly approach is probably advisable. Their attitudes to you can have a big effect on the success of your marriage.
3) At age 40 your baby making days are nearing an end. So this is a wonderful opportunity to be part of an instant family. Giving can be very fulfilling, but remember always that giving, not receiving, is going to be your role here. Making a good warm home where they feel welcome as and when they need it takes time and commitment, but it is important.
4) Therapy to help you and your husband-to-be to adjust would be a good idea. Everyone's situation is unique, depending on age, relationship with birth mother etc., but getting the right balance between respecting your own needs as well as those of your husband-to-be and his children can be difficult, however wonderful the people involved may be.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...