I’m about to get my PhD but my college drop out brother was the ‘smart one’

NMom told me that everything always came easy intellectually for my younger brother, but she was proud that I always worked hard to be smart (?). He dropped out of college after one semester and I’m about to get a doctorate.

My brothers were always favored. They were supposed to go into college and make it. They were the ones who were expected to succeed. The grandparents gave them money, Mom and Dad paid for some of the tuition. My brothers never had to worry about it.

They went in, didn't try, purposely failed classes left and right, tried to get disqualified from financial aid, and quit.

I was always deemed a loudmouthed, smart ass, uneducated, stupid, spoiled bratty piece of shit, among numerous other things. I was supposed to be a criminal and end up in jail, I was told this shit. They made for sure that I got enrolled that first semester, so I could fail horribly and they can say it was all my fault.

But something happened. I went in there and people were nice to me. What I did was more than good enough for the first time. I always worried if I would even get financial aid and have a good enough GPA to go the next semester, no one but me paid a cent of my tuition.

No one in the family knew or cared what I was going to school for, except Mom who used it to talk down to me like I couldn't do it.

I ended up finishing school. This failure achieved more education than any of them ever did.

These stories are really resonating for me about how long these family systems hold on to the images of people. In my family/community system I was the slut/fucked up one who would have a kid in a bad relationship with no degree and a terrible job. I went to the best school, did not have children, and have a wonderful career. They still treat me like I am fucked up.

Wow, all of these posts are incredibly validating. My older brother was the golden child: when he came out as gay, my mother went to PFLAG. When he was in his mid-20s, I taught him to make scrambled eggs, because my mother had always prepared all of his meals for him and he never had to learn to fend for himself. He’s in his 40s now, and as far as I know he still relies on TV dinners every nightl.

I was constantly criticized, contradicted, and made to feel insecure and dumb. When I came out as a lesbian, my mother flipped her shit, then later came into my room to tell me to stop crying, because I was keeping her awake- it was hurtful and confusing that she supported my brother so strongly, but in the same situation I was attacked. When I came out as a man who needed to transition, my mother completely lost her fucking mind, and I ended up living in my car.

My brother went to UMASS Amherst and partied until he had to leave. He moved back home, and then eventually went back to school in Boston. He dropped out in his 30s; all he needed to get his Bachelor’s at that point was an internship.

When I was in high school my mother once told me that she would be happy if I even finished high school. I’m two weeks from finishing my bachelors and just yesterday I picked up my psi chi (honor society for psych majors) cord and I’ll graduate with at least a 3.5 - 3.6 GPA. I achieved this while working a full time job and dealing with mental health issues from a traumatic event just before going back to school (I’m 40 now). I look at my current academic accomplishments as a huge middle finger to my deceased mother. 🖕🏼

My little bro finished high school in 6 years, the GC that was so pampered that he failed at life. He's still routinely praised as the "smart one" in the family. I have PhD in History and my first book comes out this spring. I play professor at a pretty fancy (but not elite) school now. But yeah, I'm still the problem child.

My Nparents seem to think smarts originate in the penis. Don't have one? Well then, you are less bright by nature. Does this ring a bell for you?

Sign the one for him in crayon and send a bill to your parents along with the book. You didn't mention them in the acknowledgments did you? If you do make a point to spell their names wrong, all of them.

It's a history of refugees in the Middle East. I don't think I could get more specific than that without outing myself, but thank you for your interest and keep studying History! So important and fascinating!

The Golden Child (GC) is the "perfect one" and usually pampered, given all the praise and this used as a weapon to inflict damage onto the other child usually called the SG (scapegoat) - the "troubled and deeply flawed" other child. Please note, this is not the reality but the system set in place by the N (narcissist) to inflict maximum damage onto the kids.

Usually the reality is that the GC is so pampered and fed bullshit about themselves they can turn into an N, and/or it can destroy them. The SG is where all the bad things wind up in the family and both are set to compete against each other for their parents love. This makes for a lot more problems... massive problems. Which Ns can then reap to their advantage...

This comment makes me sad. My younger brother is the GC. I was the SG and my older brother was the one with the disability. Combine this with a borderline/narcissistic mother and father who believes in corporeal punishment and it just makes for an interesting childhood.

These comment makes me sad. My younger brother is the GC. I was the SG and my older brother was the one with the disability. Combine this with a borderline/narcissistic mother and father who believes in corporeal punishment and it just makes for an interesting childhood.

This is the best concise description of the GC/SG complex I've ever seen. Thank you!

It definitely tracks to my family. I was SG. I was diagnosed as the "crazy one," and was abused/neglected as a child. A lot of the reason why was because my Ndad sexually assaulted me when I was small (like 5) and I reported the abuse. He and cNmon worked for the rest of my childhood to insure he was never held accountable and projected all of their problems onto me. My GC brother was similarly never held accountable.

Long story short, I was ultimately thrown out of the house at 15; my brother lived with them until he was 28, has spent 3 stints in prison because (surprise surprise) there are consequences for his actions outside their home, and I don't know which one of us is more damaged as a result of our upbringing. Growing up the SG, it was very easy to see my brother's GC status as unfair and positive compared to my own (incidentally, we fought like cats and dogs and because I was bigger, I usually won). BUt as an adult? I feel like he might have actually been the one hurt more... he's a failed adult, a felon, a substance abuser, a domestic abuser. He's also responsible for his own actions but constitutionally incapable of accepting that. He's a malignant N, and I'm not sure that was inevitable.

I got the GC treatment from one parental figure and the SG treatment from the others (long story). For me it broke down like this:

GC: Affection, praise, attention, time devoted to anything I liked that this parent also happened to like, AND a complete refusal to teach me anything that could possibly make me independent, plus a refusal to engage with my very real problems (medical, social, emotional).

SG: Contempt, a constant harping on how spoiled I was (i.e. Other Parental Figure not assigning me any chores and all of the hand-me-downs in the family coming to me as youngest, plus jealousy that I was the one Other Parental Figure picked to cuddle with when drunk), removal of my bedroom door, more contempt, punishment for anything that wasn't silence and invisibility, and also a refusal to teach me how to do anything because obvs. I was stupid and lazy and blah blah blah for not instantly knowing how to do whatever it was.

When I grew up and left home, the GC-parental figure was sad and mopey. The SG-parental figures have matured and forgiven me for having been such a horrible kid, but to them I will always be, y'know, not quite up to snuff. Stupid. Silly. Over-sheltered. Unaware of the realities of life. Soft. Anything that disagrees with that assessment, such as my flat statement that my childhood experiences gave me PTSD, is simply forgotten.

It's so upsetting because as the oldest of four in a military home, I was the "GC" until I got fed up with how I was alienated from all my siblings. Now, the youngest child is the "GC," and I have no choice but to watch a child eight years older from me crack under the pressure of not being a disappointment like the two middle children, but also still managing to be compared to me.

Well you're not the only one. Not male? You must be dumb according to my Ns.

I'm glad we are proving them wrong. Felt good to graduate college on schedule and see my genius older brother still not even close.

Funny how wrong they are. I'm not sure why they think penises make you smart. It's the oddest thing. My other brother is a complete moron. I've seen him come really close to accidentally killing himself. Yet he's the new genius favorite.

No, I'm asking if it's about the ming dynastie or 16th century English history or what happened in 1963. I like history and I think it would be cool as hell to have read a book by an author I've talked to on the Internet and have read a personal part of their life they gave as some 8msight on who they are as a person.

For me, getting the PhD was a way out of town. My graduate program moved me 3K miles away from my family, and it challenged me intellectually in a way I never had growing up. The geographic solution wasn't my only (or even primary) motivation, but it was a huge element in my recovery. I went to a new town, read thousands of interesting books, and collaborated in a research project that took me around the world and introduced me to people very unlike the ones I grew up with.

Most importantly: people counted on me, they counted on my ability to ask and answer important questions. I was valued for my ideas and my ability to grind through texts, learn languages, etc.

The pay sucked (PhDs are also lessons in poverty). And the job market at the end is terrible (if you want to be a professor, anyway). But it was also absolutely the experience I needed to reclaim my personhood, and to learn who I was as an adult, without the baggage of my Ns.

Oh yes. Golden penis syndrome was rife in my family. The GC eldest brother never graduated with his bachelors. My mother and father lied to everyone saying he had graduated. I found out the truth 10 years after the not graduation. I have more letters after my name than in it, double majors, masters, and internationally recognized professional qualifications. Renewal of my professional certifications on a regular schedule - professional development is mandatory in my profession. But I do not have a penis and so "why are you bothering?" asked my mother with some exaggerated bemusement, years ago. Ghosted her and father to NC. Large ocean between us helped.

Not only am I the only child that went to an actual college and graduated, I also graduated law school. Still, my other sisters are favored. Honestly I think it's because I don't suck up to my Mother the way they do. It use to really bug me but I know that I've done well.

My Nbrother can play our Nmom like a harp. He can pluck her wallet dry with his calculated truths and lies mixed together until you can't tell what's real anymore. For him, one grain of truth means the whole story is true. But if I say something and one tiny thing is wrong, everything I say is wrong. That's because HE controls what's 'right' and what's 'wrong'. And it's the road to crazy.

So don't suck up to Mom. YOU define what you consider to be appropriate behavior. You're not asking anything from her, so you don't need to pay for it with brownnosing. Who's better off? I think you are, beginning, middle, and end.

I think I might have borrowed your life lol. I am in law school and all emom can talk about is how easy my life is and how my sister had all the struggles. As a kid, any time I opened my mouth to voice a problem, it was basically - how can you complain? You've always had it so easy. Your sister is the one who has a tough life.

Now that I'm older, I realise, she didn't have a tough life at all. In some ways it was actually easier than mine. She used to be a completely horrid person, but now that she's had some difficulties of her own, we're much closer.

I remember the last thing emom said when she visited us in September was "help her out. She shouldn't be the only one doing all the work." What work???? But anyway, this was after I had told her about all the problems I was facing at the time. I have never cussed in front of my parents, but I told her f*** off.

Good luck with law school! I know how stressful it can be. My Mom did something hurtful at my graduation and I basically went off on her. We didn’t speak for months but then she reached out. My mother apologized for making me feel like she didn’t love me as a child and we are closer now than ever before. Sometimes you just have to let those feelings out.

I'm glad that you know you've done well, if your mother can't admit it at least you know the truth! I'm the only one to graduate high school, not be held back any grades, or get awards in school, but my guardian still said I had cheated my way through school because she didn't believe I earned my grades, and that my sister was "street smart" and I was "book smart" so I'd never survive outside of the house. I'm glad I knew even then that she was trying to get me to never move out.

My mom use to tell me I was a bad investment, I wanted to work in politics, specifically on campaigns. When I told them my plan for college they just looked at me blankly and say so drop out, and work for McDonald's. Then they refused to help me pay for school or anything. Told all their friends they paid for everything. Ugh parents.

My parents also brag about how they paid for my schooling. I busted my ass to get it completely covered by scholarships/grants after they stole my savings before I turned 18.... They can go to hell.

Edit: Several family friends/relatives also scolded me for my college plans, criticizing me for costing my parents so much money. I loved the look on their faces when I told them that the parents hadn't paid for any of it, although many didn't believe me and treated me worse. It's so disgusting.

A lot of NPArents dont realise how much they set the golden child up for failure.

Constant attention and getting much larger shares of resources does make school life easier. They are the ones who get help with homework, get money for extra lessons, etc etc. And of course never ending praise.

And up til High school, they are the smart ones because thats what happens when you get all the resources.

But then they hit Post Secondary and get hit with the crushing blast of truth that they aren't special (often coupled with their first time being away from home)

Suddenly, instead of being the smart kid, they're in a class entirely filled with all of the smart kids, many of which are several orders of magnitude ahead of them.

Combo this with a new, unfamiliar environment, thousands of strangers, having to get a job possibly, and professors not praising them constantly, and you often see 'the smart kid' crash and burn hard in their first year.

So the parents are kind of right, it wasnt the kids fault...

It was theirs for setting the kid up for failure years ago. But often times this has the end result of the golden child moving back home with mom and dad, which suits an NParent just fine now doesn't it?

I was the golden child, and I was 25 when I realized that I wasn’t as smart as I had been told, wasn’t special in any way and wasn’t capable of doing anything I wanted to. My mother told me these things to the detriment of my siblings, and i felt a fool for believing her for so long.

You totally nailed it. Except until those of us who might quit our jobs for an advanced degree or to otherwise better ourselves, and the GC is now “working” and “looks” more successful.

I’m working on two MA’s right now and my sister is just “doing so well” while I’m told I need to get a job, etc. My mistake was asking N-parents for a small loan that I paid back when my loans were late. I haven’t initiated no contact yet, but it’s classic - the GC who dropped out of high school is treated like an actual daughter and everyone is just so “proud” and I’m just a failure, because it’s not even about school, I just don’t have a job and she’s more “stable.” Sigh.

It’s spooky how similar this is to my family. I’m getting my masters now, first in even in the extended family. But my younger brother got an associates, he’s so clever. My sister didn’t even go to community college, but she’s making grand babies, so it’s great. I did take my time getting my bachelor’s though, so that makes me an idiot.

I’m even studying forensics, which I though NMom would have some interest in, since she watches those CSI shows almost exclusively. But nope, I don’t have a conventional little family of my own, so it’s worthless.

I hope you’re studying forensics because it’s your interest.
Don’t feel bad if she doesn’t want to discuss the subject with you. There’s probably some envy there that you get to study one of her interests and your education on the subject trumps her Investigation Discovery certificate so she won’t engage with someone that is smarter than she is on the subject.
Good luck!

I dealt with the same silliness. In my case I was straight As always, while the GC was Bs and Cs. HOW the nMom evaluated us - as primary schoolers yet - the way she did is beyond me. Like oh so many other nMom things, logic doesn't factor in. I put this particular bit of stupidity down to her being jealous of my intellect (which she does not share, got it from the e Dad)

Your PhD is validation from society that you are the smart one. Unlike the "Pfhamily Degree" he's been awarded, yours is not based on emotional logic but demonstrated skill. Congratulation on your accomplishment!

I am the first in the entire history of both sides of my family to go to university and graduate. My friend tutored me through my first semester of physics so apparently my degree in biology and minor in chemistry don’t count. My GCsis spent one semester in college but since she does community theater for no pay, has never worked, her two grown sons don’t speak to her, and she’s on her fourth marriage she’s the special one.

This sounds so fascinating! The medieval period is so understudied and challenging. I also have loads of respect for folks who not only work in multiple languages, but in medieval variants of those languages. Whew, tres impressive. Hats off to you as you dissertate/defend!

I’m also doing a PhD, but my parents act like it’s no big deal. Whenever I get a bread crumb of a compliment of my being smart, it’s quickly followed by my nmom saying “oh yeah, it’s all because I made you do math workbooks over summer when you were a kid.” Bi$&@ please!

I’m an only child, but we (nmom, ndad, I) were all on vacation (cringe) and nmom struck up this conversation with the girl working at the hotel, and literally talked to her for hours about her life story. Then proceeded to talk about her and her story for the next several weeks and going on about how smart she was. My parents have never even asked what I’m doing my research on, yet they are engrossed in and brag about a perfect stranger’s life they’ll never meet again.

I’m sorry that’s terrible, I know exactly what you mean. The PhD can be SO alienating with parents like this. Remember to take care of yourself!! Mine never really want to hear about my stuff but are always complaining that I don’t tell them about it.

This is so relatable! My Ndad takes complete credit for my adult accomplishments because he sometimes read to me as a child. Also takes my adult accomplishments as evidence that he could not have possibly been abusive.

Similar experience. GC older brother got to go straight to college from middle school. Supposedly he was 'smarter'. All he did was fuck off. He'd drop out, come back, drop out, come back. He had ONE SEMESTER TO GO to graduate, when he dropped out for the last time.

He was too lazy to finish. He ran off to Florida.

Meanwhile, I worked hard in high school, went to the local community and public college. Our mother wasn't even going to watch me graduate until she found out there was a pianorama that GC brother was playing in on the same day. THEN suddenly it was worth it for her to come out.

Fast forward a couple decades. GC brother is still pretty useless. I'm self-sufficient and financially stable, while he dips into NMom's wallet whenever he fucks up and gets into a jam. She never cut the umbilical cord with him. There's some enmeshment there that will never detangle.

My older brother was supposed to be smarter than me. He's also supposed to be the one who would go far. I am "the stupid one who won't amount to anything." I'm the one branded "Lazy".

After years of pleading with my parents for a chance at university, they agreed to loan me the money, and I would have to pay every single cent back whether I made it or not, so they wouldn't lose a cent on me.

I had to drop out of university (computer science) and of course they blamed me. Older brother was told he could study anywhere in the world, no matter how costly. All his student fees would be paid and all his living expenses so he wouldn't have to work while schooling.

Years later? I've always held steady full-time employment. I work 60 hour weeks in demanding jobs, but apparently I'm "lazy and stupid".

Brother spends years refusing to work and leeching off our parents, refusing to foot any of his living expenses. He does a job part time, way beyond his education level for money to spend. He still pays no bills. He gets praised for getting any job while I just get told I "lack drive" and am apparently "lazy and stupid".

My NDad said shit like this to all of us kids at one time or another. He would downplay our accomplishments when talking to us individually, and talk about how great another sibling was. For example, I was finishing up a master's degree at a top school for my field and my nDad just ignored it and brought up how proud he was of my brother for getting out of jail!

After talking to my brother and sisters about this we all realized that he did this to all of us. When he talked to my brother, I was the great one. It was dad's way of manipulating us and keeping us all down. It's a game for these people. They have to maintain control at all costs.

I started college at 16. Three years in, I realized my major was not going to make me happy and practically started over in a completely different field. I still managed to graduate--summa cum laude--in four and a half years by overloading credits. I had my Master's two years later, all while working more than 40 hours a week.

My brother went to four different schools (he was doing fine academically but always thought the next school would be better) and finally earned a bachelor's after over six years of being in school.

He still gives me crap about my field of choice, saying it isn't worth anything, and anything I did wasn't as hard as what he did. Some of our immediate relatives join in on this whenever he starts. It wouldn't make me quite as mad if he didn't actually believe that, but he does.

My brother is brilliant, but I've long since stopped talking about my job with him, because the bad days are never going to be as hard as his bad days (in the job he doesn't even have yet, because he still hasn't made it past that first degree), and the good days can't matter, as I'm not a doctor, and only doctors count.

My sister dropped out in year 10 and has done pretty much nothing, now works three days a week at a fish and chip shop. My mother told me I wouldn’t finish high school if I left home, so I did it just to spite her and then skipped on the uni and went straight into a well paid government job (with a short interlude to work in hospo and fuck around). My sister left school the same year I did (four years ago).

I’ve cut mum off now, so apparently I think I’m too good for them. Not exactly the same, i know, but wowee similar feelings.

It’s interesting to read in these comments that pampered people who get what they want seem to never achieve anything, while those who have everything against them seem to thrive more so. I wonder if there is any research as to why this is and what to do about it. Because I feel bad for the pampered kids who parents never made them try, and therefore never developed anything meaningful, I doubt they even know how to.

Well your mother might be narcissist, no one is denying that, but as per the post it looks like she favours your brother more for some reason which has nothing to be narcissist but being an asshole parent. Well you are successful so I hope you have happiness you want.

I hear ya! My mother invited all family from around the country, we are very spread out, to celebrate my brother's undergraduate graduation. I graduated with my Master's degree at the same time but that was just ignored.

Congratulations OP! This was the case with me too, and I know how hard the academic journey is. I was called lazy and disobedient and a bad child (unfortunately they couldn't call me stupid for I read books all the time — which was actually just coping mechanism back then). I have no siblings of my own, but my cousins were the GC, especially the brother, and I was constantly compared to how bright and hardworking they are, at school and home.
Cut to today, my cousin sister is divorced with a kid,, and only now completing her full education, and brother is a raging alcoholic, suicidal and no job prospects. And I feel so bad for both of them, since their mother is even more vile than mine.
(I have a PhD today, professoring at a decent university, and a couple of books out. Now being invited out to Oxbridge for lectures and fellowships. And you know what my Nrents texted when I finally gave them the last bit of news? "Ambition does not make you a good person, family should come first".)

Obviously she's compensating for her other kids failure by making your success some how bout about your success. Sorry Nmom, you got a bum son. Why not appreciate the good one? Oh it's cuz he doesn't buy your buckshot? Grooming technique right there.

Even if this were true (and it is absolutely not), guts, determination, and perseverance are the ONLY important thing. “Natural aptitude” only will help a person out in the very beginning of what they’re doing, and that advantage is lost after the very first plateau, fewer than tens of hours into whatever skill it is. So like, even if your brother were “smarter,” he hasn’t done anything substantial with that initial advantage.
But also the entire basis of what she is saying is wrong, because Nmom, favored child, abusive behavior, etc, etc.
We’re all proud of you for getting your PhD! That’s one of the hardest things a person can do, and you deserve so much recognition for that. Congratulations!!!

It sounds like a very unhelpful kind of comment. Obviously I don't know you but it may have some amount of truth to it, though, and at the end of the day what actually matters is the achievement at the end which you've managed and your brother hasn't. And if it is true then you actually have more right to be proud because being proud of hard work makes more sense than being proud of luck.

I say this as someone who would probably fall into the natural smartness category. I'm not proud of my degree because it was easy (well, except my dissertation, for which I really went above and beyond - so I am proud of that one, a lot of blood sweat and coffee went into it) but actually due to lack of resilience I ended up dropping out of my masters (course content was fine but mental breakdown #2 got in the way). So congrats on the PhD. Just wanted to add my point of view because although it sounds like your mother made an unhelpful comment I think there's also another side to it that's not all bad.

Thanks for your comment. I’m sure she was trying to make a nice comment. My brother was a clever kid but stopped caring in high school when he started smoking pot. I always got straight As so idk what she was on about.

Congratulations on your PhD !! Your mom sounds determined to put your work and academic career down, don’t let her. You should feel so proud and happy as it is certainly a massive moment, share it with people who love you for you.
I feel your pain though. Mine still only jokes about mine, like I’m a naughty child. I wanted to share my happiness and trying to be proud of myself when I got mine with her, but she couldn’t. I still find it hard to be proud of it, but it’s getting better with all the love from my friends. For her it’s jealousy, me being ‘better’ than her on paper, she can’t handle that. That being said, making your life the best for you by doing what interests you and surrounding yourself with people who you love and can genuinely love you back is the most important!

I was the first person in my family to graduate from High School. My naunt told me I was stupid for even trying. My ngrandma, who was on welfare my whole life, always tried to make things about herself. She didn't care about me graduating and actively worked against it the whole time. The day I graduated my grandmother intentionally got herself admitted to the hospital to draw attention away from me and onto her. I now have a masters degree and a decent job and family. My grandmother has dementia now but it's still hard to forgive... I've forgotten a lot though.

high five, fellow ACoN PhD candidate! I made the mistake about two years ago of telling my nmom that I had passed my thesis proposal, and her response was to say that she can tell I must have been busy, since it didn't look like I'd had time to wash my hair. Narcs gonna narc, don't let them get you down. Best of luck to you in finishing up your degree, and in whatever comes next!

The problem with kids who breeze by in high school is that they never learn to properly study or struggle. So when they get to the real world and things are hard they don’t know how to handle it.

Three of my friends in HS were extremely smart (top of the class) I wasn’t great, made good grades not great but good.

The first one passed college but works at a grocery store because she hated college and really needs a masters to do anything with her degree, even after being told that multiple times she still went with her degree when she knew she wouldn’t be getting a masters.

The second barely made it through college and struggled majorly with everything, making friends passing exams etc and constantly complained about how hard it all was.

The third dropped out like your brother after the first semester and disappeared off to Cali , while refusing to talk to her more “successful” friends. She was going to make it big as an artist.

It was such an odd flip of the switch. I made it through college just fine enough got decent grades etc.

My point being struggling builds character which you had to and your brother did not. Don’t let your moms BS golden child ruin you. Stop basing yourself on your moms vision and base it on your own actions. At some point you have to let all that go or it will only lead to disappointment and heartbreak.

My parents have always held my sister in higher regard and pushed her further in school, paying for expensive private schools and college. Me, I've had to do everything alone and struggle my ass off. My sister got two of the easiest degree's you can get, I'm getting two of the hardest. She's held in incredibly high regard from my parents. Meanwhile, my parents have no idea what I've been trying to do for the last six years.

I'm kinda going through this right now actually. My older brother, who is actually finishing college but not with more than a bachelor's, is the golden child no matter what he does. I on the other hand, and a massive failure.

You know, because I was accepted into college at 15, took the SAT at 13, and have aspirations for a PhD myself.

No worries, not trying to pry into your personal life. Honestly, and no offense meant, I was trying to discern if your brother was a bum with spotty job history who gets undeserving favoritism, or if he was solely being defined here by his "drop out" status. For perspective, I'm a drop who makes about 80k a year. I was just kind of trying to understand the job/education/earnings situation between you and your brother better.

But completely regardless, your PhD took hard work and dedication and you do not deserve to be overlooked or compared to anyone, since you've obviously slaved away at something you love and came out on top! Congratulations! You're winning! ♡

As someone who—unlike your ignorant NMom—actually lived the experience of how much you need both smarts and hard work to get a Ph.D., congratulations! That is an enormous accomplishment and I'm proud of you.

Congratulations! You are approaching the culmination of years of stick-to-it-iveness, intellectual inquiry, patience, determination, and planning. Leave your mother to go play chess with the other pigeons and revel in your success, because you DID IT.

My mum does exactly the same thing to me about my brother. He's clever, but his personality isn't great and he's a bit of a dick, purely because my mums always re-affirmed that's he's the smart one. I don't know why she does it, but it annoys me so much. It's because of the way she says things like this too, it's as if she doesn't think I'm actually capable of getting an education.

Please please please explain how im excusing the behavior of the abuser. I mentioned an anecdote that might give the op more context as to why they and their sibling wound up the way the did. I was not excusing the abuser calm down.

The pattern that the OP described is hurtful to them in that the mother praised the brother for intellect, while implying that the OP can only achieve things through hard work. Your comment came across as praising the mother's behaviour. I don't believe that you had any ill intention, but please accept feedback about how your statement was received. Your comment was reported by other users.

Maybe i thought they might feel better about themselves if they realized their brother got the short shaft in the long run a lot of time people feel better when they have a better understanding of the context i detected animosity in the op they would probably feel better if they could forgive their brother i never attacked anyone the only thing i disagreed with was your thought process which makes me think you know youre wrong and youre just saying im attacking op to cover your ass.

I tried to explain how your original statements came across, and frankly your later statements are simply inappropriate as they cast the OP in a negative light. If you do not feel supportive of the OP, then just move on to a different post.

I asked you to stop commenting in this thread. Please address these issues via modmail, where the rest of the mod team can also weigh in. If you continue commenting here, you may be banned.

I can’t relate to the sibling piece as I’m an only child but i definitely know what it’s like to be told I’ll never succeed in school. In high school I was told constantly to drop out, that I’m wasting tax dollars in going. Eventually I did drop out but for mental health reasons and I moved out of my parents house at 17. I eventually went to college and was told CONSTANTLY that I was wasting my time, that me being in school was dumb, that I’d never make it in my chosen field (social services) that I’m too soft. I graduated with a 4.0, and a job right out of school. Eventually I applied and got into University and they didn’t even believe me. Ugh, I’m getting so mad even thinking about it.

My sisters got a big party, money, and gifts for their high school graduation.

I went to school for dog training, paid for tuition myself, and graduated a few months early with nearly perfect grades. My mom promised she'd take me out for pizza and then cancelled last minute. That's it.

This is scarily similar. My mom told me I wasn’t going to make it while my brother was the favorite because he was on his way to a football scholarship.

I had a hard time coming to terms with the trauma of my past and working too much and going to school full-time my first three years. I ended up working with my therapist to do two-hardship withdrawals throughout my time in undergrad. My mom told me she knew I was going to fail. So, I took that as motivation that I could not fail. I switched majors and started over again basically.

I went down to part-time school and part time work. It gave me the energy to focus on the my school work and do better. I ended up making Dean’s List and President’s list the last four semesters of college because I realized I was smart and I was good at my new major. I graduated and my mom was there to see that she was wrong. It felt amazing.

I work in Higher Ed now in a fairly prestigious college in the South and I’m applying for Grad school at the school I work at.

Good for you!!! I am so proud of you for not letting her get in your head and kill your dreams. I always believed my nmom that I was stupid and couldn't do anything, especially not any of my dreams. Last year I found out after some necessary testing that I am extremely intelligent. I'm 50, it would have been nice to know that before I gave up on bettering myself as a teen. You've got this and you are going to continue to rock your own world!

After spending my entire childhood telling me about the importance of childhood, halfway thru my senior year of hs my parents informed me they "couldn't" pay for my college education because my younger brother "needed it" for film school. Wtf. My state started doing the A-Plus program my sophomore year of high school so I wasn't eligible for it since you have to be in the same school all 4 years or something but he was. It pays for your first 2 years of college (I think junior college?) as long as you meet all the requirements. I didn't even go to college until I was 25, finished my AA at 27, & finally re-enrolled a few months ago at 37. I've had to pay for everything with student loans & Pell grants. Meanwhile, Golden Boy scoffed at those 2 free years because they couldn't be used at film school so rather than making him learn anything useful, they sent him to film school in Tarzana, CA. Even paid $1000/month for his studio apt & gave him a credit card they paid for. We live in MO. He dropped out after a year because he "wasn't learning anything he didn't already know" 🤪. Dipshit didn't understand the value of staying enrolled for industry contacts. So he moved back home, but not really, he moved to a college town near the MO state capital & they continued footing his bills. They're STILL paying his bills & he's 33 years old!

I'm not even mad about it anymore. Because I've had to work for my education, I value it more than he ever could. I'm a mostly self-sufficient adult despite currently working in a crappy factory. Sometimes I do have to borrow money from my parents, I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is. I gave my parents the grandchildren they always wanted while he isn't mature or stable enough to even consider reproducing. I wasn't either when I first got pregnant (at 19) but whatever, I pulled it together & it's worked out. My kids are amazing & my oldest begins college next fall. He's going to be using the A Plus program but my parents are going to help him with whatever ends up not being covered. They really couldn't have afforded to send both me & my brother back then but their circumstances have changed for the better. They regret their decision now but what's done is done. My grandma could've paid for my college way back then & did offer but I turned her down because I didn't think she could afford it. Big mistake on my part, I didn't (at the time) realize just how much money her best friend had left her when she died. I thought it was around $100,000 but later discovered it was nearly 10× that. Oops.

Edit: I did make a series of bad life choices for awhile & found myself married to an abuser who I let get me into some shit that put us both in prison. Me, for 4 months & him several times for years at a time. I learned my lesson & straightened up, left him, found a wonderful man I've been with the past 4 years, & am working toward bettering myself & my future.

I can relate to this, I am a grad student, dropped out of high school to work and take care of my father, and first to graduate out of my family. My mother still reminds me I am not that smart every chance she gets and tells my sisters they are wonderful. I now feel sorry for her, I have a family and couldn't ever imagine not being proud of them no matter what they do.

Same here, but it's with athletics. I'm always expected to be that smart and nerdy one, even though my true passion lies in sports, and my brothers are expected to be the athletic ones. All cause I never made any middle school varsity teams but I was always on those academic teams and activities (which I hated A LOT tbh). 'Bout to prove these niggas wrong when I make varsity for high school.

Similar story: I had a friend as child who turned out to be rather dumb and an asshole (never invited me to his birthday parties, ate several times a week at my family for free) - he failed highschool but managed to get the Abitur (German equivalent to what you get when you finish highschool) a few years later at nightschool.

Fast forward some years: I have an excellent BA degree in Philosophy and Economics which my ndad finds "completely unimpressive" and this guy is still portrayed as a role model because he managed to get his abitur after struggeling a lot.

So sorry you have to deal with this. I was always told my brother was going to be taller, smarter, and stronger than me by my Nrents growing up.

Now he's joined the National Guard and they inflate his ego so much that it's all we hear about when they do their surprise visits. I'm also sick of relatives the Nrents haven't talked to call me and end up asking about him.

Ugh this is so relatable. In high school I tried to earn my parents' approval partially by getting straight A's. I ended up getting a full ride to college and graduating with good grades. Now I'm in graduate school but both of my parents think my field is stupid and I'm just doing "busy work" and I'm "just doing it because it's easy"?? Every time I see them they make fun of me and say negative things about my accomplishments. My little brother messed around in school and then joined the Navy right after high school. They have nothing but endless praise for him and his "bravery and sacrifice." It makes me want to gag.

I'm in computer science and my Ndad got a factory job that requires some data entry (he's been "self-employed" for over 10 years before this) and said what he was doing was basically my job. They have no interest in learning about what I actually want to do or what my partner is studying.

Ugh. I feel for you. What's her level of education, if you don't mind me asking?

You should be immensely proud of your Ph.D. and every single step along the way.

Speaking from experience: Consider planning something so every time your mother says that about your brother, you say the same answer. You have to do it every single time (classical conditioning). Finally it'll sink in that when says X, you'll say Y, which she doesn't like hearing -- so she won't say it so much, at least to you. Plus, she'll hear a more honest, healthy outlook on yourself. You're changing the narrative.

Also, at least with the person I did this with, if you don't contradict them directly it's easier to get your point in. Like, she can remain weird about your brother, you just want her to improve how she views you.

For ex: "Yeah, he was good at grades, but the downside is, that can make you think that's all you need in life. I mean, he's doing __ and could've been a ____, what a shame! You know, when I was younger I used to envy him, but my way is much better for adult life. I still get good grades plus I have a really strong work ethic. In fact the other day my professor said I'm one of the most self-disciplined students she's seen in decades ... " [How thick you lay it on depends on how much narrative you want to change.]

With most Nmoms, there’s always a “Golden Child” who can do no wrong and gets all the praise while the other kids get shat upon. The truth is, nearly everything she says is a lie built upon her need to authenticate the fantasy in her head.

You are a highly intelligent, smart af human being. I applaud your hard work, tenacity and vision of a better life for yourself. I know how insanely hard it is to reach Doctorate level. Bravo!! 👏

I hope the number of upvotes this article received has offered a degree of validation.

I too experienced the devaluations attached to not being the Golden Child. How often I heard (from various family members) how my GC brother works so hard, this was despite him having everything materially/financially handed him on a plate and also receiving a lifetime of ego-puffing adoration. I remember often thinking to myself WTF about me or my other siblings.

I supported myself through my Bachelor's (working many hours at the same time). When I told my father my result his immediate response what that my GC brother (who received a lower classification) should have been awarded at least that and the Professor was to blame. The sad reality is my father is an empty vessel, living through a false-self. In reality he cannot even validate himself authentically. Don't expect the impossible (no matter how painful this reality is to wake up to).

I am now a successful professional and have undertaken further studies to Master's level. I've done this whilst being no-contact and have been authentically motivated rather than by a desire to gain parental-validation (from parents who don't have the capacity to give it).

We are undoubtedly a wounded lot, a wounded lot with potential for amazing things ! : )

My mom was similar. She always used to say she was raising 5 taxpayers and one felon. My siblings schoolwork was always better because I was the oldest and I had to help them with their and feed and bathe and watch them I didn't have any time or energy for mine

I feel you. I'm trying to get into a Master's program, but all I get from my family is criticism for going for it, saying that it's just a waste of money and that I should return to my hometown and settle down. Meanwhile, 2 of my cousins have doctorates, 1 went to grad school and was praised for dropping out, and another just dropped out of undergrad because "he hates math" and was praised for it. Sometimes I think it has to do with me being a psych major, which they don't approve of, and that my love life is too non-existent for them wanting grandchildren.

Tbh, I'm never going back, no matter if I go to grad school or get a job. I'll stay where I am or move farther away depending on where I'm needed. And "their grandchildren" will be dogs and cats, unless I decide to become a foster parent, and/or find a girlfriend.

Yes, but he worked for it. We both became electricians and later both did further study. The point is that the parents saw him as naturally intelligent and me as having to work hard to be his equal, when it was not like that at all.

My mother said the same thing. It’s part of pitting the kids against each other I think. I have a doctorate and my brother dropped out of college quickly as well, but he was the smart one. I “only” worked hard. (Damn straight I worked hard!) The mantra has changed over the years, though, now that we are all middle aged. Now I am too smart for my own good, and am too ambitious to be a good mother. He has his priorities straight, and works really hard. Whatever. He is still in my parents good graces. I have been NC for 4 years now.

I am proud of you! It must have took you a lot of hard work to get where you are. And you totally deserved the doctorate.

My narc mom is soo proud on my brother as his IQ for measured once and he has below average IQ. Hovewer he doesn't study unless someone is watching him(even teachers noticed it) and he is in high school already. He is okay with just going through and somehow going to next year with just good enough grades. Yet he is still the smart one, but "he just doesn't know how to use it". He is also dyslexic. Meanwhile I am studying my ass off and still feel like I am stupid one. Btw my IQ was never measured, but even if I hit better one it would not change I am sure.

hugs congrads! My NMom sabotaged my college plans and wondered why I was depressed after having to settle for community college rather than the best public college in the state. Now she is happily telling me I have settled for less than my full potential and need to do more with my life. Let's see..I worked for a Fortune 25 company in a demanding position, now am a SAHM to two kids, while going to school full time and will graduate in less than two years, have lost 50 lbs so far this year (not that I have told her one bit), and have a wonderful husband even if he is a turd at times. Meanwhile because my Nmom thinks that things are handed to her on a silver platter, she failed to secure her internship on time to graduate soon and needs to go back to work as her husband will stop paying for everything soon as she keeps pushing her grad date back. Oh, and my degree will cost what she paid for half of a semester due to being willing to work hard at a few things.

My brother is a frat bro, was high up in his frat and is drinking like an idiot every day (last night he told me he had 3 everclear/redbull margaritas...) and is in a history degree and is barely passing anything he's doing.

​

I'm in my fifth year of my Neuroscience degree doing research as an UNDERGRAD and my ndad and his parents think I'm useless. Aparently in my family you're only smart if your "straight"...

​

I wish you so much luck on your Dissertation defense, and CONGRATS! I'm so proud of you!

This turned into a rant but it shows the plethora of conversations still going on within me. Probably because nothing was ever resolved ( or explained) when I lived with my parents. I am so undeevloped it sucks. I have been able to slowly teach myself that dissoiciating though scarry isn't the right answer since the fact I am thinking it means that my unconscious believes I can handle what is coming.

I am so confused since I was always told I was "smarter than this". I always hated school since elementary because I never felt like I was learning, nor learning fast enough and not being able to do what other people are able to. Elementary school is when my learned helplessness started and I have been in school without stopping because of fear, obligation, guilt- FOG... I literally still have no clue who or what I am and what to do. I went to school because of FOG and without it i would be branded as a waste of space. School is a ego destroyer for me.

To elaborate. I learned that if you don't get an A you're a retard but if you get it then it is because they set a very low bar; due to this I stopped trying instead I panic and break down when I don't prepare perfectly (my parents always do things perfectly (they are adults and always know what's best for me so they will have to be perfect in order to do those things) so I cannot stand up to them since they are perfect thereby being perfect I will be able to be on their level) ... Even causing me to not act at all since I have so much " proof" I cannot obtain perfect. I end up not doing anything and when I do I never feel any sense of accomplishment (lack of praise rather ignoring or demeaning something else I didn't do perfectly). All these people have done it, don't pride yourself off something that meaningless... Look at all those who have done the same. Stop thinking highly of yourself was the wording they used; my reaction of no somehow proved that I was. This confused me and I still don't know what to think about it- circular conversation probably.

I don't know how to stop this. The more and more investigate the more things show up as FOG. It is redeeming that I understand what happens during that time but I fear helpless in knowing which I should start with untangling.

I need time to discover but I read that I shouldn't be in a dependent relationship, I am in one with me being dependent on him. He doesn't take advantage of me at all and is an example of a stable and at the very least mostly healthy relationship so am frustrated why I shouldn't be in this relationship. I would have to deal with my abusers otherwise or take advantage of the servives provided by others who have been physically abused and I would go back to my parents house out of guilt I am making up my abuse... I cannot remember it or explain it...

I am so frustrated and that is breeding anger right now. Why me? I feel so much guilt for even feeling this way. WHAT ABOUT ME- my parents. We always do so much for you and you cannot even spell correctly, see we had to use Kumon for you to catch up, you owe us. If you didn't have us, you wouldn't have anything so you owe us everything. Even though I would say thank you for them getting me things I didn't need then they would act like I owed them for it then complaining at me that I said no to Thanksgiving kept pushing past my boundary by trying to guilt me into it (sent me an email). I fell apart after my mom, who I always thought was the good one sent me, "how sharper than a serpents tooth is it to have a thankless child".

I felt scalped and now I feel like I have nothing that the 20 years I lived with them was throw away at that instant. All I sacrificed was throw away the moment they didn't get their way. I feel like a thrown away child that will be forever demeaned. I must be wrong since my parents brought me into the world and now they don't want me... they never wanted me is festering and tearing me apart.

I talked to others but in my frame of mind I didn't notice that someone else was talking and I lashed out that no one cared even when I said things. I noticed how my parents did the exact action and now I am torturing myself for doing it. It wasn't until I started talking that I heard that another was speaking but I couldn't stop talking. I think it was mainly that if I didn't say it then I would forget it, again. All of this thinking is unacceptable... Fuck I think I am noticing that I am constantly having tons of circular conversations sub/unconsciously.

I am now swimming is self pity mainly for the fact I had no choice with my parents. Oh that's selfish, slapped a shit load of guilt. Followed by, You know they didn't have to do those things they did. Is it my fault they decided to do those actions or money to get us ( envetro). That conversation train is exhausting me and I don't know how to stop... Fuck... Now I am disocciating... But my mind knows what I can handle so I should be able to handle this train of thought...

I have massive guilt and fear via former reactions of my parents when I feel proud of something so it is a massive kill joy. I feel so jumbled up and infused with every emotion possible, shook up and expected to live like that. Never told how emotions are release other than by yelling and complaining to others. Too much selfish acts.

I am now thinking that I can help others and even intertaing the idea that I could get better than one of my friends is currently.
.... I thought I meant it as I wanted to be better than him.... I want that instead. My feelings of fear may be unsupported... Why does my past desire to destroy my ability to understand my intention because my parents screwed me over when I doubted their own...

I think I understand where you are coming from. I have really bad panic attacks related to school bc my mom out so much pressure on me. The only things that have helped are surrounding myself with people who are genuinely proud of me and honestly being proud of myself. Stop using their measuring stick and get your own. I hope that helps ❤️

My mom was exactly the same: my brother was the smart one, and I was a “drama queen” ... fast forward 40 years and my brother in an ex-convict, and I’m ED of a non-profit. I’m still nothing to her. Ugh.

This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.

Need info or resources? Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!

This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.

Our rules include (but are not limited to):

No politics.

Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.

Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. No slurs or victim-blaming.

Man, same exact thing here. Or, at least I might be the smart one but he's the one who drops out of school at 22, lives at home, never held a job down for over a summer and gets all the adoration of the family.

Intellect and achievements aren't the same thing. I know someone who got a PHD in his 20s too and he worked his ass off for it, but he was never the most intellectually gifted student in school by a wide margin. I get you might be angry but at the same time you studied to get a PhD, not so people call you smart.

Removed. OP is venting about how the mother treated them. Please focus on supporting the OP. Your comment comes off as siding with the abuser. I don't know if you intended to do that, but please be mindful that this isn't the place for a general debate about intellect vs. achievement.