Prince Harry censors his "risque anecdotes." Emma Roberts is pursued by two men at the same party. Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are, metaphorically, sittin' in a tree. Gossipmongers of the world, unite: It's May Day gossip.

How fun was The Royal Post-Wedding Party? So fun, is how fun it was. It lasted until 2 a.m.! Ellie Goulding, who is a singer (?) or something, performed! And Prince Harry gave a "brilliant" best man's speech, in which he called his brother a "dude," several times. How delightfully non-royal! He also, apparently, had to take some "risque anecdotes" out of the speech, like one about how he thinks Kate has great legs. All in all, sounds like a terrific use of British taxpayers' money. [Daily Mail; People; Daily Mail]

Emma Roberts, niece of Julia, "got cozy" with Glee star Chord Overstreet. But then! Some guy who is a director tried to kiss her. On the mouth. If we were deer instead of humans, they would have to battle over her affections with their antlers. Alas, we are not, and instead there will just be a lot of talking and emotions. [NYDN]

The key question from The Royal Wedding: Who gives a shit? Ha, totally kidding, obviously the key question is "Why are William and Kate going to be King and Queen when Harry and Pippa are so much better-looking?" And the answer is: Because The Daily Mail doesn't get to decide. [Daily Mail]

Pop singer Rod Stewart has like seventy kids, and one of them is pregnant by Benicio Del Toro, and he's super excited. Also he just had another kid, and apparently it barfs all the time. [People]

Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson were caught holding hands. Next comes the baby in the baby carriage. [Daily Mail]

In a letter to late-night host David Letterman, used conspiracy theory salesman Donald Trump denies charges of racism. "There is nobody who is less of a racist than Donald Trump," reads the letter. [Page Six]

Charlie Sheen has never done heroin, according to Charlie Sheen. [TMZ]