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Welcome,

During graduate school, I approached one of my professors and shared with him my desire to study loneliness. He said, ‘what about loneliness?’ His tone suggested that perhaps loneliness by itself wasn’t worth studying. He said that others had already covered the topic and suggested a book. I began reading it and became bored.

A few years later I met a research professor and stated my desire to do research on loneliness. She said, ‘loneliness in relation to what?’ She tried to direct me towards a narrower focus. I resisted.

Eventually I found a professor who accepted my interest and was willing to help me. I had already made a beginning – searching for research papers, articles, studies and books which related to loneliness. My curiosity led me to expand my focus rather than narrow it down. I began to see that for one to understand loneliness, one must understand our human nature. Embedded in an understanding of our human nature is an understanding of our human experience of loneliness. Thus, the work became expansive – just as human nature is….full of wonderful possibilities and infinite wisdom.

As the work began, I talked about it with friends, classmates, and colleagues. When one of my classmates reflected back to me her interest in ‘the loneliness project’ – I realized we had the name: The Loneliness Project.

One summer I was sitting at a café reading a book written by a group of people aspiring to live spiritually based lives. I was inspired by what I was reading to see the contours of the Project. The primary purpose and hope of the Project became clear to me and I wrote them down:

Our purpose: To shine light on the human experience of loneliness.

Our hope: That by doing so, we may reduce the suffering associated with its denial.

Following the summer I was in New York and made a call to a friend on the West Coast. She had just completed publishing her book – a memoir. I was curious about how she did that…what was her process? How did it begin? How did she write? Where did she write? Who helped? I told her a bit about the beginning of my work on the project. She was supportive. I felt inspired. After I hung up the phone I began writing. It started to flow. I wrote several pages and realized I could not do this alone. That I did not want to do this alone. I emailed the rough draft of written pages to a group of those I felt close too. Those I thought would appreciate this effort and be supportive.

The first email I received back was from across the Atlantic, from the one I most desired a response from. Her email was very supportive of the work, she expressed appreciation for the focus on loneliness, how important it was from her perspective, and she gave me encouragement. I felt fulfillment and optimism. I felt warmth whenever I felt connected to her and to share something important to me with her and have her appreciate it felt really good. From there I wrote about 10 pages a week and then sent an update out via email to the group every Sunday night. I enjoyed discovering the connection between what I was reading and writing - painting a picture of loneliness.

After several weeks the tide began to turn. I stopped hearing from her and I sank. I desired and admired her so much and I felt such warmth inside when we would connect. My enduring hope that it could still develop into greater closeness began to fade. I had been in love. How could I forget her smile...her sweet voice...the way that she said things...the way she looked in her simple dress...just the way that she is. Just the way that she is.

When I felt connection between us I felt so alive – like someone went into the deepest part of me and turned on all the lights. When I stopped hearing from her it was like those lights started turning off. As more lights went dark with each passing day, I felt deep sadness, loss, and loneliness. Romantic loneliness. Tears at times rolled down my face. As the sadness came in waves, sometimes I accepted it – felt it, faced it, expressed it. At other times I tried to distract from it or to escape from it. This denial turned pain into suffering.

I lost the inspiration to continue writing. The Loneliness Project ground to a halt. The Loneliness Project stopped by loneliness.

Several months passed. I continued to have experiences which reminded me of the project. I felt compelled to continue it – to not let it die. My original desire, which moved me to begin working on this just came to me. I felt compelled and I accepted the invitation with the help of others.

I meet people in my life who know loneliness. Sometimes we are willing to speak of it directly and more often we speak of it between the lines – indirectly. Perhaps, the stigma and pain are too much for us. We are living at a time when human beings spend more time each day interacting with artificial screens than directly with other human beings. How sad. How deeply sad that we have allowed so much of our lives to be with all that is artificial instead of all that is natural. How deeply sad that we have constructed ways of life which aggravate our human nature instead of being in harmony with our human nature. Underlying our shallow attempts is something quite beautiful - our deep desire for authentic connection, intimacy, and love.

Perhaps, it is time for us to come back to the basics – let us understand our human nature. What is more important?

So we carry on… a bit bruised, lights dimmed (flickering actually), barely inspired, compelled - lonely. The Loneliness Project is for those who know loneliness. For those who deep inside have not given up on love, on desire, on passion, on joy, on pain, on tears. On being alive.

Princess Diana once said, “I lead from the heart, not the head.” The Loneliness Project has been led by the heart. We stand with all those who lead from the heart, as we know of no other way.