E! channel is simply a horrible horrible place. If Al Qaeda takes out E!, Obama should sharply warn them they get a pass this time, just don’t touch ESPN or NFL Network or we will drone strike a missile that navigates up your ass and explodes on the cock of the jihadi you’re blowing on the down low. If Joan Rivers, Kelly Osbourne, Chelsea Handler, the Kardashians, Ryan Seacrest, and that creepy looking anorexic hostess who documents every moment of her life disappeared tomorrow, we would go on. But we wouldn’t get Fun Facts, like Michael J. Fox has Parkinson’s, as E! posted on the lower thirds during the Golden Globes red carpet coverage. E! quickly apologized for their one mildly entertaining broadcast moment in the past ten years:

“We regret the insensitive classification of Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s diagnosis during out E online live stream,” a spokesperson said in a statement. “We understand the serious nature of the disease and sincerely apologize.

To further demonstrate their regrets, Kris Jenner will be injecting Khloe with the ebola virus during an upcoming episode of KUWTK. The family will travel to sub-Saharan Africa on a future episode to dispose of Khloe in a river that local tribes use as a fresh water source to ensure the virus gets to live on. It’s a win-win for E!

TONY SCOTT – had his suicide filmed by several people who are trying to sell the footage. Inspiring “I Believe I Can Fly” song, not included. (guardian)

JOHNNY DEPP – is being offered $95 million to star in ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 5′, because ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 4′ made $1.04 billion. Clearly Lindsay hasn’t figured out that these are about a bisexual drunk who steals or else she would have sued by now. (the sun)

MICHAEL J. FOX – will return to NBC in a sitcom guaranteed to air at least one full season of 22 episodes, even though it hasn’t filmed a pilot yet and NBC hasn’t seen any footage. It’s a very shaky deal, so to speak. (vulture)

RYAN LOCHTE – is in a “three-way tie” to become the next Bachelor on ABC. When things started he was actually the leader, but the other two guys are French and he let them catch up because he’s an asshole. (e!)

BROOKE HOGAN – has a “I’d rather go naked…” ad for the reprehensible PETA, and you can actually see her boob in this. Are they implying I shouldn’t want Brooke Hogan locked in a cage? Because they are way way off in that assumption. (direct link to the NSFW picture here)

MICHAEL J. FOX - will be given an honorary doctorate in Sweden because he’s raised $175M to find new drugs to treat Parkinsons. Preferably drugs that don’t need to be injected so he doesn’t bleed to death before he can even see if it works. (the AP)

ANGELINA JOLIE - had an affair with Mick Jagger in 1997, when she was 21 and he was 53. Then again in 2003. This is according to a new biography on Jolie called, “Things I Made Up To Sell More Books”. (daily mail)

KATE GOSSELIN - showed off her new look at a party last night in New York to promote her appearance on ‘Dancing With The Stars’. Meanwhile, 2 of her 8 kids have regressed back to a feral, or “wolf-like”, state after being left alone in the woods of Pennsylvania for this long. (huffington post)

LINDSAY LOHAN - is dating guys again, specifically UK DJ Gareth Geno. Has the troubled starlet finally found “the one”? Will this new romance kick-start her once promising career? Just so you know if you answered either one of those I fucking hate you. (mirror)