Walcott, Sturridge form new club so they can argue over who plays down the middle

At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

This created a terrible mid-range drone which caused one veteran sports journalist to flee the room with blood streaming from her ears. It was eventually agreed that they would each speak one word of each sentence, alternating ad nauseam.

Theoniel Sturrcott then revealed their intention to leave the Premier League and form a new football club, immediately installing themselves as Owner Director Player Manager Centre Forwards. “We have decided to call this new club ‘Middlesbrough Football Club': the word middle symbolises our joint desire to play through the middle. Also, we like football and clubs”.

Following a brief interlude where their advisers calmly explained that the name Middlesbrough was taken, and a side discussion about the meaning of symbolism, a new name was swiftly workshopped by the players.

‘AFC Dan and Theo’s Top Secret Brill Club United’ will begin life in the Middlesex County Football League Premier Division. The club badge depicts a speedy striker bearing down on goal then getting the ball stuck under his feet.

Due to the extravagant wages awarded to Thedan Stuwal in their multiple capacities at the club, AFC Dan and Theo’s Top Secret Brill Club United have been forced to bend the League’s rules to make 9 emergency loan signings. When questioned on who they were looking to bring in, Daneo Walridge replied “Wingers mainly, we feel we’re short in that area. Certainly, Theon Ridcott are not suited at all to playing out wide, and will only be deployed centrally, where they belong.”

Having settled on fielding an attacking 0-8-1 formation it was left to a back-room staff made up of their Dads to break it to Dathanial Cottsturr that one of them would be on the bench – though it would be right in the middle of the bench.