I have an appointment with Dr H on Wednesday. I want to talk about getting a plan together. I am still getting conflicting stories from him and the IVF company….

Option 1

IUI in late January – depending on my cycle – 8hr drive to their clinic – overnight at a motel – Mum will come with me and share the drive – Full payment

IVF in April – Medicare funded

Option 2

IUI in February when they will be in my town – Full payment

IVF in April – Medicare funded (hopefully)

Option 3

IUI in their town – 8 hour drive – full payment

AND (if not successful)

IUI in February when they will be in my town – hopefully Medicare funded

IVF in April – Medicare funded

The expense is a killer!! It is not fair. The Australian government wants us to all go out and multiply – they pay a big fat bonus for actually having a baby ($5000 in 2008) – they should make this easier for any person (married, single, other) to access government subsidised medical treatment. The out-of-pocket expenses still run into $000’s but anything would help.

My budget is limited – I would hate to think that my money ran out before my dream came true.

I have a feeling that Dr H may want to do some investigative surgery – I hope not – before commiting to IVF. I will have to wait and see what he has to say on Wednesday.

The not knowing and waiting is driving me mad. I know it is only early days but I do not want to become one of “those” women who constantly obsess about this.

Today I had the IUI. The sperm looked like half a teaspoon of clear fluid – ‘very concentrated’ the nurse said. Just one lucky swimmer I thought to myself – please, please, please.

It wasn’t as humiliating as I thought it might be. It didn’t hurt. It was over very quickly. I even let the nurse practice on me…

It was a little sad. I was lying on the bed thinking that this really isn’t the best way to make a baby. God I hope it works. Have a long 2 week wait to see if it has worked.

My stomach has been bloated and I have been feeling puffy and emotional for over a week now. My left side is sore (that was were the 2 little follicles were), more so than the right. I guess it feels a bit pre-menstrual, have been eating like a horse, and getting upset about the little stuff.

Have been upset about some big stuff too. One of my ‘besties’ – a girl I have been friends with since we were 15 (21 years now) has been having IVF treatment for over a year now. They haven’t had any luck and she gets more brittle and shrill with every attempt. I have been there for her, I have heard blow by blow descriptions – of the sex, the procedures etc etc, I have really listened.

If I was to narrow it down to what got me to this point I would say it was turning 36, it was my dog dying (he was not a substitute for a baby BUT I loved him), and it was L’s troubles getting pregnant – all of this got me to where I thought – it is now or never – “YOU are getting too OLD” – my ovaries are shrivelling, my eggs are drying out. So I went to see the doctor.

I really debated and struggled about telling her my plans, I was worried about how she would react (my subconscious told me that she would not be happy – every thing always has to be about her) – she had said negative things about other pregnant women before (because of her own frustrations). It took me weeks to get the courage up – I even told her in public so she wouldn’t react too badly – she didn’t, she was excited, she celebrated, she said all the right things – and then she didn’t call for over a month….

It was her birthday last week and I tried for days to get in touch – I think she was screening her calls – she finally arranged for us to catch up (and then included another friend of hers who I do not know) for lunch. When I moved back to this town a few years ago she never wanted to include me with her ‘new’ friends. She is very image conscious and I have never felt ‘cool’ enough to be introduced – she absolutely feels part of the IN crowd – whatever that means.

On Monday she had her egg pick-up – it must have gone badly as she called and cancelled our lunch on Tuesday. I texted and tried to call. She hung up on me. I KNOW that this is a sad time for her, I KNOW she is feeling like shit, she is vulnerable/miserable/depressed. BUT I think the friendship has changed, I think it changed the moment I told her that I was about to start fertility treatment to have my own family.

I have always been the friend who has listened ad nauseum to her stories about herself – I resent the disapproval that I feel is coming my way (it may all be in my head).

Maybe it is the hormones – we are both full of them. I think I am losing my friend – and I think I might be ready to let her go… it is sad – we will see what happens.

Well I am just back from my ultrasound with Dr H – I got my wish – kinda…

There is one big follicle on my right ride that he is happy with, and two slightly smaller (they will miss the ovulation boat) on my left side. I will probably need to give myself the injection to release the follicle on Wednesday with insemination on Friday or Saturday.

I am glad that there is one, but kind of disappointed that there wasn’t two or three good ones. Greedy huh?

He seems happy enough with it – currently it is 16.3mm – expected to grow 2mm/day. Apparently 20-22mm is just right – should be there by Wednesday. My oestrogen level is up to 573 and should also be just about right by then.

Like he said – “you only need one to get pregnant” – but then he wished me luck…

Today’s blood test has come back with a result of 341 – they are apparently quite happy with this doubling (from 171, and 75) and think that by Monday there will be something worthwhile to look at on an ultrasound. My puregon dose is to stay where it is.

Three nice juicy follicles will be just fine thanks!! Judy (the IVF nurse) says the insemination should be later in the week if everything continues as it its.

I am hoping for big things. Have a scan booked for Monday BUT Dr H doesn’t want to see me unless these levels improve – to see how many follicles I have. I am hoping for 3 nice big ones. I need to have 3 for optimal chance of pregnancy. The DI won’t go ahead if there are too many eggs. Three eggs is just right (high chance of twins – Oh, My, God!!!), but any more and the risk of higher multiple-births is way too high. It is a tightrope walk, a balancing act.

Because this is the first time they are taking a very cautious approach with drugs, I just hope that these drugs work as the IVF company that Dr H works with won’t be in my town again until February. I may have to go to them in January if this doesn’t work for another round of DIUI (donor intra-uterine insemination). If that was to fail IVF would be the next step, I hope it doesn’t come to that.

Well…… I have had an absolute shit of a day. Finally got on to Dr H, who wasn’t sure why I was calling (IVF nurse had told me to!!!).

Yes. He did have my blood results.

Him: “NO. You don’t seem to be responding, increase your dose”

Me: “So what is my oestrogen level?”

Him: “75, I would like it to be higher”

Me: “Oh, really. What should it be?”

Him: “I’d like to see it at about 1000”

FUCKING WHAT???

Me: “What is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Why? What? Huh?”

Him: “It’s just your age”

End of phone call. Many tears…..

I have old, wrinkled ovaries, maybe they can’t make eggs. I feel gutted. I am having fertility treatment because I don’t have a man. I had never considered – not in my heart – that there really might be a problem.

Dr H told me at my first appointment that IVF was an option if there were difficulties…..

Will increase the dose of Puregon tonight, next blood test on Thursday. Hopefully I’m just a late bloomer.

The injections really haven’t been so bad. Much better than I thought. I had the first of a series of blood tests yesterday and that was OK too – next one tomorrow. Will be in touch with Dr H today to find out what my hormones are doing. I am feeling well – not too crazy, or weepy.

I do find myself totally obsessed though. I think about this baby constantly. I really can’t wait to meet my maybe-baby.

My Mum has been an amazing support through this decision. She is just so excited about being a grandmother. I do feel a bit of pressure to ‘perform’ now. I just don’t want to see her disappointed.

Given that the odds of success aren’t high, I tell myself that it probably won’t happen, and that I shouldn’t be too upset. A friend said last night that even though the chances aren’t great, that people don’t go through treatment to have a child unless they really believe that they will get pregnant – hence the disappoint I guess.

I remain hopefull. The big day will be next week – I am terrified. Of everything.