Sunday, December 30, 2012

Well this last week has been full of Christmas things and celebrations, namely:

The entire family wearing matching pajamas on Christmas Eve. There is photographic evidence of Mom and Dad and Phil in their festive sleepwear as well, but they wouldn't be too happy pictures of them in snowflake jammies made an appearance on Oh Laura Darling.

So just trust me when I say WE HAVE NEVER LOOKED BETTER ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

I think Santa approved of our coordinated sleepwear!

I really, really, REALLY wanted all of us to wear our PJs to my aunt's house for Christmas dinner, but the rest of the family didn't seem to be on board for some reason, so we put on real outfits.

Maybe next year I can convince them to go the All Day Matching Pajama route.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

I stayed at my parents' house on Christmas night too, under the guise of not wanting to drive back to my apartment late at night, but really because I wanted to take advantage of the chocolate chip cookie supply for breakfast the next morning.

After I ate about forty six cookies for breakfast I went back to my apartment, but I was home the very next day because a certain someone was turning SEVENTEEN! Which is hard to believe considering she was only born yesterday.

It snowed yesterday, and a snowstorm is all fun and games until you're standing in the parking lot of your apartment complex with soaking wet feet scraping snow off your car and having it blow right back in your face because IT IS THE WINDIEST DAY EVER.

I even managed to get snow INSIDE of my car somehow. That takes talent.

After that pleasant little activity I accompanied Matt one a trip to the mall for some new jeans.

Listen. You date someone for a long time and think you know them. And then you go jeans shopping with them.

Matt's not typically a shopping kind of guy but he turned into a brand new man once we hit the jeans section at JC Penney. At one point he went into the dressing room and I was wandering around the racks outside and I heard someone singing along with the Kelly Clarkson song that was playing with MUCH GUSTO. And also, much volume.

And then I realized that someone was Matt.

It's amazing what an eight dollar pair of stonewashed relaxed fit jeans will do for a guy.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

In college everyone said that the weekend started on Thursday. I wasn't a huge party person in college, so my Thursdays typically consisted of a solid meal at the dining commons and a trip to Target. And studying of course, Mom and Dad.

You may think a Thursday couldn't get more boring than that. Well, let me introduce you to December 20, 2012.

On Thursday I got the oil changed in my car, went to the eye doctor, and had my teeth cleaned. I also paid my car insurance, renter's insurance, and life insurance. The day pretty much screamed THIS IS THE THURSDAY OF A GROWN UP, RESPONSIBLE INDIVIDUAL.

However, I did learn the hard way that it's not wise to schedule all of those expen$ive events for the same week. Especially when that week is the one right before Christmas.

Nice to see you for three seconds, paycheck.

I got my oil changed on my lunch hour so that I could make it to my eye doctor appointment right after work. This was my first time seeing this doctor, so I sat down in the chair and told him what kind of contacts I wear. And that's when he said, "Oh. Whoa. You're what we in the biz like to call "three finger vision test patients. I'm not even going to put the letters on the screen, cause you're never gonna see them. How many fingers am I holding up?"

Well. That was a new low.

I got out of there with just enough time to swing by my parents' house to brush my teeth one last time before I went to the dentist.

Let me just say that as far as dental patients go, I consider myself slightly above average. Admittedly, I do not floss enough, but I brush my teeth twice a day. I don't eat or drink a lot of sugary things, I am no stranger to a bottle of mouthwash, and I am religious about keeping my six month cleaning appointments.

And so, when I go to the dentist, I just want to lay quietly in the chair while my teeth are polished and x-rayed. I do not want to be the recipient of a lecture about bio-film and tartar and gingivitis, none of which I have. Unfortunately that's exactly what happened on Thursday night, and the hygienist spent almost the entirety of the appointment preaching to the dental choir.

The only time she was not lecturing me on all things dental disease related was when she looked in my mouth and said "WHOA! Are you planning to get a retainer, or are you just going to leave everything 'as is'?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at her. "Umm. As is, thank you very much."

I think she felt a little bad after that because she said "Not that there's anything wrong with 'as is' of course! That's not what I meant! You have a gorgeous smile."

A gorgeous smile that could stand to meet a retainer, apparently.

I was hopeful that things would look up when the dentist came in, but they didn't.

He looked at the info sheet that I updated before my appointment and asked me about my job as a paralegal. I told him about the (government-related) job that I have and enjoy and he said, ""Oh. So I guess no private law firms are hiring?"

I started out my evening of appointments feeling like a million bucks, and finished it feeling like a major underachiever with poor vision who could benefit from some orthodontia.

A few weeks ago I decided that I needed to get serious with my makeup.

And by "get serious" I mean do a little more than a half-hearted mascara application and smearing on whatever lip gloss I can scrounge up in my purse while sitting at a red light.

And so, after I watched several tutorials on youtube about smoky eyes and the right way to apply lip liner, I decided to give it a shot. And, well, let's just say I ended up looking like I was suffering from a black eye and a bee sting to the lip.

But I didn't give up because PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

And also, it's fun to shop for makeup. :-)

I use Bare Minerals foundation, but the rest of my makeup supply is all from the drug store. Cover Girlis one of my favorite brands. I have yet to find a lip stain that I like as much as I like theirs.

I am always looking for mascara that will make my lashes look long and full and curly, aka how they looked in high school, and I think I might give this 24 hour mascara a shot.

If you buy this mascara online, you can get a nail gloss for free until December 29, 2012! And you can't beat free nail polish! And in even better news, all new customers get 15% off their order with the code A9Z-MN5-KY3-ISA, and shipping is free on orders over $25!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

...the paralegals and our Whoville display did not win the office decorating contest.

Aka WE WERE ROBBED.

The aisle next to us did a Nightmare Before Christmas theme, and when the judges came around they broke out a strobe light and theme music. Their ace in the hole.

Hello, second place. Nice to see you again this year. NOT.

We tried to be gracious losers, but OH, IT WAS NOT EASY.

And to add salt to the wound, we had a little holiday party at a restaurant down the street after work, and I was the only person there who didn't win a door prize. That's right. The only person.

FRIDAY WAS NOT MY DAY.

My parents were going away for the weekend so on Saturday morning I headed home to stay with my sidekick, Emily and make sure she didn't host any wild parties while my parents were away.

And also to drive her to the movies on Saturday night and feed the dog.

The first order of business was getting manicures. I got red and Emily got blue. Evidently we were feeling very patriotic.

After our manicures we strolled the mall for a little bit, and then came home to have a healthy, balanced meal of pizza and mozzarella sticks.

We ate in the family room because WILD AND CRAZY, and Rosie sat at my feet the entire time and stared straight ahead in what I can only imagine was an effort to convince herself there wasn't a giant slice of pizza six inches from her face.

After that we rented a box truck and took it for a little Saturday evening joy ride.

Oh, I kid. Matt was actually moving and around 5:30 he called me and said, "Hey, look out your window!" And there he was driving by in this hot rod, having the time of his life.

We came inside and I started to straighten up the kitchen, and I asked Emily to go see if the Christmas tree needed to be watered.

I walked out a few minutes later to find this.

I'm just as confused as you are, Rosie.

Emily went to the movies last night which left me and Rosie home alone to read and watch House Hunters and eating Cap'n Crunch.

It was glorious.

And then I went up to my old bedroom to go to sleep and snuggled underneath the pile of blankets that were folded at the bottom of the bed.

This morning I wandered downstairs and asked Emily where the brown fleece blanket came from, because it was so soft and cozy.

Turns out the blanket is actually a gift for her Advent Angel at school.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Well, I didn't win the lottery last week. So it was back to work today, which wasn't ideal but at least I got to spend the day in a warm office sitting inside a cubicle that's decorated like the Who-ville toy shop from The Grinch.

That's right.

I have the office-wide decorating contest IN THE BAG.

Matt and I had plans to meet my cousin and her fiance for dinner on Friday night, and it was a horrible night, weather wise. It was cold and rainy and windy and the kind of night that makes you want to SEEK COVER.

We arrived at the restaurant a little early, so we got a table and ordered drinks. I chose a cucumber martini with lemon and mint, which, looking back, kind of screams I AM MORE OF A JULY/AUGUST BEVERAGE THAN A MID-DECEMBER ONE, but I just went for it.

The waitress was gone for quite a while, and when she finally returned, she has a less than amused look on her face. "Sorry it took so long," she said as she put the drink on the table. "I had to go out back and cut the mint out of the herb garden. Most people order this drink in the summertime."

Whoops.

So, by comparison, my day today didn't seem so bad.

I could have been cutting mint sprigs in a rainstorm.

On Saturday I met my mom and sister at the mall, and we spent some serious time in Charming Charlie's. I had never been to a Charming Charlie's before this one opened a few months ago, and I obviously love it because what's not to love about a giant store with millions of pieces of jewelry priced under $14.99 and arranged by color?

Nothing, that's what.

We walked around the store for about half an hour and my mom and I tried on rings and bracelets and watches. Finally Emily looked at my mom and I and said, "Ehh, I don't really see anything I like in here."

I know.

I've never felt more disconnected from her than I did at that moment.

And here's the part where I could say that Saturday night was full of glitz and glamour and more cucumber martinis. That would be a lie though because what really happened is Matt came over, I finished up my Christmas shopping, we ate dinner, and then I convinced Matt that it would be a great idea to settle in and watch a good Christmas movie.

Or so I thought.

I went to my bedroom to put my sweatpants on, and when I returned Matt was watching Army of Darkness, which is an early nineties comedy/horror movie that CRACKED MATT UP. He was HYSTERICAL.

In the first ten minutes there was time travel (yuck), multiple sword fights, three monsters that emerged from murky water, a wall of spikes that closed in on the main character while he was trying to escape a cavernous swamp, and a mysterious hand that was not attached to a body but that managed to pop up in every scene.

What a cozy Christmas memory it was.

Sunday was my family's annual Christmas trip to Cabela's, WORLD'S FOREMOST OUTFITTERS, and I went home a little early and we decorated the Christmas tree.

My mom decided to use tinsel instead of garland this year, and so we each grabbed a handful or twelve and got to work while my mom told us how "there is no such thing as too much tinsel."

A little while later my dad walked in the room and said, "Whoa. That's a lot of tinsel."

We all stepped back to take a look.

It was a lot of tinsel.

Needless to say we ceased our liberal tinsel application at that point, but I do love the way it turned out.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Michelle texted me on Friday afternoon and asked if I'd be interested in going Christmas shopping with her after work. Since I never met a shopping trip I didn't like, I jumped right on board with that plan and we headed out to the mall as soon as I got home.

While we were in the car I talked to Matt, who was planning to wake up at FOUR O CLOCK IN THE A.M. on Saturday to go hunting. At the end of the conversation he said, "Okay, well, I'll try to shoot you a bird."

Which is a line you always hear in the fairy tales.

Michelle and I did some damage in various stores and then decided to get some spaghetti and meatballs from an Italian place in the food court before we went home. It was on the walk to the food court that we realized that while we were carrying a few bags, exactly zero of them held any Christmas gifts for others.

Our hearts are definitely in the right place this holiday season.

And then we sat in the food court eating spaghetti and talking about how we are our parents' favorite children.

Safe to say we have mastered the gift of humility.

On Saturday I got together with some girls from work to bake Christmas cookies. As evidenced by our cookies, we probably should have paid more attention to the oven and less attention to coming up with a detailed plan to decorate our cubicles like buildings in Who-Ville.

Matt came over after the Christmas cookie extravaganza, and we ate dinner and watched Burn Notice. Burn Notice is Matt's favorite show, but I'm not a huge fan because I can never tell if the main characters are good guys or bad guys. I'm pretty sure they're good guys, but occasionally the bombing/shooting/blowing up makes me doubt that conclusion. Every single time we watch together I request clarification on the (VERY COMPLICATED) plot and whether or not Mike and Sam are protagonists or antagonists, and then offer an alternative programming option a la House Hunters or the Cosby Show.

Let the record show that Matt has never, not ever, chosen House Hunters or the Cosby Show over Burn Notice.

My sincerest apologies to the Huxtables.

And then, today. OH, TODAY. WHAT A DAY.

Things started off on a high note when I heard Kate Middleton's baby news. I'm finally going to be a godmother!

A few hours later I strolled up to the front desk to check my mail, and the receptionist handed me a package from a flower company. It was from Matt, and inside was a green tree, with a box of ornaments and even a little strand of lights.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Well, just like that Thanksgiving is over. The day was great and the meal was delicious, as per usual. Halfway through dinner my dad said, "You know, you think you're just going to get a few more things and before you know it, you have a whole plateful."

God Bless America.

The only retail establishment I visited on Friday was the grocery store, which was perfect because you know where people don't generally go the day after Thanksgiving?

The food store.

The food store I go to is in a shopping center with popular Black Friday destinations including, but not limited to Target, Barnes and Noble, Best Buy, and DSW. Needless to say the parking lot was pretty crazy, so I employed a new strategy that includes driving around the back of the buildings, past the loading docks, and out the back driveway. Jury's still out on whether or not this maneuver is "legal," but I didn't see any DO NOT ENTER signs so I'm just gonna run with it.

Matt came over on Friday evening. We had dinner and then watched Christmas movies by the twinkly lights of the Christmas tree and the large outdoor wreath that Michelle and I decided to hang inside on our living room wall because we're decorating pioneers.

It was very fun and cozy.

On Saturday I slept late, and then Michelle and I spent several hours lounging on the couch discussing important topics like the Farmer's Almanac forecast for this winter and Guiliana and Bill's new baby and watching eyeshadow tutorials on youtube.

Around 1:00 I stood up and made a grand announcement that it was time for me to get to the store.

Michelle asked what I was shopping for and I told her I had been developing a list over the past few days and then went into my bedroom to retrieve it.

Do you know what was on the list?

A peppermint scented candle and Gatorade.

THE ESSENTIALS, OBVIOUSLY.

I also stopped at the mall while I was out and picked out a very nice, very fragile ornament as a gift. Since it was so busy in the Christmas department a cashier from the junior's department told me she could help me at her register. I followed her over and paid for the ornament, and then she asked if I'd like it wrapped in tissue paper. I said yes and then watched as she twisted and scrunched and folded the tissue paper.

Finally one of her co-workers looked over and said, "Gina - have you ever done that before?"

"No," she said, "But I eat at Chipotle all the time and this is how they wrap the burritos."

Well of course. Obviously you would wrap a highly breakable glass Christmas ornament with the same technique you would a flour tortilla filled with cheese and beans.

Saturday night and Sunday were filled with Matt and friends and more relaxing.

Monday, November 19, 2012

A few weeks ago I started to seriously think about getting a major haircut.

I've been trying to grow it out, but the longer my hair is, the younger people think I am. Everyone tells me that someday that will be a good thing, but it's not such a good thing when you're twenty four. Just last week someone at work called me an intern. Again. Then I was carded when I went to happy hour AND when I bought spray paint at the craft store. Finally, at my sister's high school play on Friday night, a fellow audience member asked me what grade I was in.

POINT. TAKEN.

So tonight after work, Michelle and I had a few hours of pampering. First we went to Universal Nails for manicures and then walked next door to the Hair Cuttery.

Clearly we are fancy ladies of sophistication and tight budgets.

I sat down in the chair and told the stylist what I wanted, and as she cut and talked I thought about how excited I was to finally look mature and grown up.

Our conversation drifted to the topic of high school, and she asked me what school I had gone to. I told her, and she said one of her best friends went there, and asked if I remembered a classmate named Amanda Duffy.

Duffy was a common last name at my Catholic high school, so I asked her what year her friend graduated.

1992.

NINETEEN. NINETY. TWO.

I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD IN 1992.

Apparently my new haircut makes me look like I could be THIRTY EIGHT YEARS OLD.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Matt came over after work on Friday. We had dinner and then stayed out until the wee hours of the morning playing board games with friends. I played Cranium for the first time and, just as I suspected, I am a genius. One of my team's questions was to choose the definition of the word "fabulist." I used my English major skillz to pick up on the fact that "fabulist" shares the same root as the word "fable" and therefore, a fabulist must be a person who makes up stories.

And my answer was right, obviously. Four years of college = worth it.

So here's my advice to any college English students out there - don't change majors! You might not be able to get a job when you graduate like those crazy engineering or finance majors, but you will thank yourself three years down the road when you win Cranium.

Also, I'm pretty sure I've never laughed as hard as I did when I watched Matt draw "nest egg" while blindfolded.

I slept late on Saturday because HELLO 3 A.M., DON'T SEE YOU VERY OFTEN AND YOU SURE ARE LATE and then hung out with Emily while Matt was house hunting.

Yes, I said house hunting. He and some buddies are looking to rent a house, and they have pretty high standards. By pretty high standards I mean their wish list includes A YARD WITH A POND.

They were not English majors, so such a fancy perk could realistically be in their computer/finance/business budgets. BUT DID THEY WIN CRANIUM ON FRIDAY NIGHT? NO THEY DID NOT.

Matt came over after his house hunting escapade and we dialed down the wildness factor considerably because we spent the evening watching The Men Who Built America and eating nachos.

Our relationship was on shaky ground for a few seconds though when Matt looked at his nachos and said, "Hmm. I don't even know what this green stuff is."

It was guacamole.

My office was closed today for Veteran's Day, but all of my people were either working or in school, so I had the whole day to myself. I slept in a little bit and then watched Good Morning America while I drank my daily mug of White Chocolate Mocha Coffee Mate and debated whether November 12th is too early to put up the Christmas tree.

After lunch I decided to spend the afternoon doing some of my favorite things. I started off by cranking up the Whitney Houston station on Pandora and driving to the bank to cash in my change for dolla dolla bills. Then I vacuumed the interior of my car, got a gingerbread coffee from Dunkin Donuts, and went to the mall.

I strolled and browsed for a while and on my way out I stopped in an engraving shop to drop something off. I left my information and arranged to come back in two hours to pick up my order, and decided to go to Barnes and Noble in the meantime.

As I was walking into Barnes and Noble, my phone rang. It was the girl from the engraving store.

Well, I'd probably classify that as a medium to large problem when your whole business is engraving, but SEMANTICS.

I was super nice and agreeable and told her just to call me when it was fixed and NO PROBLEM AT ALL I AM SO RELAXED TODAY BECAUSE I AM HAVING A DAY OFF.

Also because I got all of my customer service complaints out of my system last week when I fired my eye doctor in the form of a lengthy, not so nice letter.

WHO AM I?

As I drove home singing along with my girl Whitney, I thought to myself, "Wow. It is so refreshing to have a day where you have nothing to worry about but yourself and you can do whatever you want."

And then I realized that is pretty much every day of my life so it wasn't really that out of the ordinary. But it was still great. So great that I came home, curled my entire head of hair just for fun, and ate Italian sausage and Colby Jack Cheez Its for dinner.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

I organized the top drawer of my desk at work the other day. Any not only did I find gardening gloves, several hundred paper clips, flower food, more post-its than I could use in a lifetime, and three highlighters I had forgotten about, but I also found several packs of Chick Fil A sauce.

I think it's safe to say I have a pretty good grasp on the definition of "necessity."

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Well, I think it's an appropriate time to talk about the biggest news of the week.

You might think I mean the presidential election. No, I mean the fact that yesterday I received my quarterly 401k statement in the mail. I KNOW. BIG. NEWS. I love reading my 401k statement and studying the graphs and seeing how much it has changed.

Also, I am proud to report that if I decide to retire tomorrow, I have enough money to live an extremely modest lifestyle and survive for approximately the next 7 weeks.

I thought about displaying the statement on my fridge, partially because I'm proud of it and partially because I would love to see Matt's reaction the next time he comes over and sees a 401k statement proudly hanging on the refrigerator door.

Sometimes (okay, a lot) I do things just to see his reaction. Take last week, for example. He has diabetes and his blood sugar went a wee bit low, so I LOVINGLY and GENEROUSLY volunteered to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He stood next to me in the kitchen while I made it, and when I was almost finished I drew some little designs in the peanut butter. A smiley face and a few hearts. Then I went on and on explaining how I do that to every sandwich I make as a little special treat for the recipient, because even though you can't see the shapes in the peanut butter, the sandwich tastes just a little bit better because you can tell it was MADE WITH LOTS OF LOVE. Also because I love to hear myself talk.

Matt stood beside me and went along with it and then he scarfed down that sandwich

Speaking of food, I decided to make nachos while I was watching the election coverage the other night, but when I took the jar of salsa out of the fridge, I couldn't open it. Matt suggested running the lid under hot water, but when that attempt was futile, I consulted The Google because desperate times call for wikipedia.

And this was what I found.

Wow.

Since I wasn't willing to risk a fractured hand just for some mediocre homemade nachos, I decided to give the old fashioned method of twisting the lid another try. And eventually, it worked. I was elated. Those nachos were delicious, but nothing tastes quite as sweet as victory.

Unless, of course, it's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with hearts inside.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I just made myself a big mug of hot chocolate FROM SCRATCH. And by "from scratch" I mean I didn't use Swiss Miss. I had a canister of Godiva cocoa in my cabinet that I bought a few weeks ago when I decided that I was going to start baking all sorts of things from scratch. That sentence should actually read "start baking things at all" because, let's be honest, I wasn't baking MUCH OF ANYTHING before that.

I can't remember what came over me on that day but I found a recipe and gathered ingredients, and several hours and one delicious, yet VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE, chocolate cake later, I decided Betty Crocker was really onto something with her whole JUST ADD WATER boxed mixes. And so my Baking From Scratch Career began and ended on the very same day, which explains why I had a mostly full canister of eleven dollar Godiva cocoa in my cabinet tonight. So I made hot chocolate because as the saying goes- those who can't bake, microwave.

I really wish I could come to you tonight with a summary of my very exciting weekend, but that's not possible because my weekend was pretty status quo. Matt had to work on Saturday and I had to work on Sunday which puts a SERIOUS CRAMP IN MY WEEKEND STYLE. We did go out at night though, and on Sunday afternoon we watched Apollo 13.

Listen, I was on the edge of my seat the entire time.

Halfway through the movie Matt even turned to me and asked, "Why do you seem so jumpy and nervous?" and I blurted out "BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER IF THE ASTRONAUTS LIVE OR DIE!"

Believe it or not I have seen the movie several times. I just forgot the small detail of the astronauts' fate. SPOILER ALERT - they live.

What a relief.

So the weekend ended on a high note, and today was pretty good for a Monday.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I had a NOT SO GREAT day today. Therefore, I left work and drove straight to Chick Fil A and ordered a large sweet tea because NOTHING MAKES ME FEEL BETTER QUITE LIKE A 32 OUNCE SUGARY BEVERAGE does. Unfortunately when the lady handed my drink to me I sped away without taking the straw or my complimentary antibacterial wipe. I heard her yell after me, "M'AM...WAIT!" but I was too far gone.

I just went home straw-less, because even I am above making a second trip through the drive-through to order a drinking straw and one antibacterial wipe.

When I got home I walked in the apartment and Michelle was sitting at the kitchen table. "Hey," she said, "How are you?" and I said "I am feeling FULL. OF. HATRED."

Evidently I was also feeling A WEE. BIT. DRAMATIC.

Things started looking up though and then Matt stopped by on his way home from work and we ate dinner together. He just started a brand new job and he is over the moon about it. Today he got a tour of the facility and there is a cafeteria, a fitness center, and a BARBER SHOP AND SALON on the first floor of his office building.

You know what's on the first floor of my office building? A MORGUE.

SOMETHING ABOUT THIS IS NOT FAIR.

Speaking of work, I've been thrown off all week since I was off Monday and Tuesday due to Hurricane Sandy. I had a few things due Friday of this week, and yesterday I stayed late to finish them. And I did finish them. Except yesterday was Wednesday. So I was a full 48 hours ahead of the game.

And tonight I told Matt that UGHHHH this week is taking forever, and why can't Friday just COME A LITTLE MORE QUICKLY? And he said, "Laura, it's already Thursday night."

All in all this has been a good week. We made it safely through Hurricane Sandy. I went home to stay with my parents during the storm because I didn't want to be by myself if the power went out. Turns out my apartment didn't end up losing power at all, but the power went out at my parents' on Monday night at about 7:30.

And at 8:00 my dad and sister were measuring the candle holder on the coffee table and the shadow it cast on the ceiling, calculating the ratio between the two, and determining whether or not the relationship was linear or exponential.

Listen. I can't even tell you the last time I even THOUGHT the words "linear" or "exponential." Which would explain why I was on the couch telling jokes like "What did the salad say before dinner?" "LETTUCE PRAY."

The whole linear/exponential thing got us talking about what kind of math Emily is taking this year. Pre-calculus. I asked her to jog my memory about what pre-calc includes exactly, and my mom reminded me that, "Laura, you never took pre-calc."

That's right. I pretty much topped out at geometry.

Maybe my family shouldn't have allowed me to be the scorekeeper for our Uno card game earlier in the day.