Monday, December 7, 2009

Its been a minute- eh? I wish I was one of the people that writes ALL the time, but I'm not. I get the urge to write way more often than I actually do... I guess I should just stop resisting.... but um... yeah. A lots been going on. My thought bubble has been quite full lately. Basically, to put it simply, I've been fed up. I feel like I keep singing the same song- but its true. I am fed up. Fed up with this city, fed up with the monotony, fed up with being uninspired. I feel stuck. I always feel stuck. Lets downs seem to come at me left and right. Just the other day our car broke down again... and I immediately had a flash back of this past summer. In the spring our car broke down, engine locked up. Dead. Gone. Over. That led to me loosing my job. Its hard to transport myself from place to place with out transportation. Job over. That led to brokness. Bills barely getting paid, groceries barely in the house. Now it takes me forever to find a job, but finally get one. Then my dad decides to help us out and give us my little brothers car since he away at school and it's just sitting there. Thanks dad! Now we have a car again. Job- check. Car- check. Seems like our lives are getting back on track. A few weeks later, I get fired. Why? Still don't know the real reason... something about "bad work-match"... whatever that means. Unemployed again. But hey! I have a running car now, maybe I could get my old job back!... NOPE! My old boss said he cant depend on me, because of what happened when my car broke down and I couldn't get to work.... gee thanks. Back to back interviews, everyone says no. So we peace out. We go visit Chicago for a week. I figure there I can focus on what I really wanna do: model. I go visit Ford Modeling agency. They arnt interested. I go visit Elite Modeling Agency, then BMG Models... they both seem interested. So I bust my butt to send them pictures... and nothing. "No thank you. You are not what we are looking for at this time".... whatever. Story of my life. So here I am. I have three minimum wage jobs, technically four. I work in the mall, Shi by Journey's, Delias, and Hollister.... and I still do Bustown Modern once or twice a week. Then this past week the car breaks down. Here I am bumming rides, trying to hang on to my shitty jobs so we can pay these bills that don't seem to ever go away. I guess this is what being grown up is like. I find myself becoming resentful and negative. I hate that. That's not who I am. All I wanna do is travel with my husband. I want us to get out of here and see this world together before we look up and I'm pregnant, and we're thirty, and all we've ever seen is Ohio. I already feel like I'm too old to model at the level that I want. Just a little too old, hips a little too wide, and just little too short. Do I care? No. Because not trying is not an option. Am I afraid? No. I used to be, but now I'm too afraid to be afraid. It will keep me stagnant. I want to be that fearless, passionate, God-fearing woman I see in my head. I don't want to settle. But at the same time, I want to love the person I am today. I don't always know how to do that. Sometimes the standard I hold myself up to is so high and when I fail to reach it I mentally tear myself down and pick myself apart. Ugh! blah blah blah. I don't want this post to sound like my life completely sucks and I just feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. I want this blog to tell my story, the real story, not the sugar-coated version. Because I honestly feel like there will be an amazing ending, and without the hard part the ending just wouldn't be as good. This is just a small chapter in my life. But stay tuned, I know it gets better...