I want to give Rolling Stone a thank you hug for at least Photoshopping the ten layers of ick nast from Miley’s twerking tongue.

Because being edgy, hard and ratchet means pulling your farmer tan tits out any chance you get, Miley Cyrus pulled her farmer tan tits out for Rolling Stone and posed for a bunch of pictures that look straight out of Hustler: The Hotties Of Splice Edition. A few days after Miley’s VMA performance, Josh Eells of Rolling Stone (more like Trolling Stoner) spent some time with the hillbilly Slow Loris and when they weren’t sky diving and getting tattoos, they were talking about Kanye Kardashian, her deflated soufflé ass and people saying she took the cultural appropriation crown off of Gwen Stefani’s head. Here’s a few low-hanging dingles from that interview and my favorite part is when Billy Ray Cyrus finds the perfect secret path to sneak onto her property without her knowing.

On how Kanye’s descent into delusional madness took a damn nosedive when he rubbed her taint raw in her dressing room before her VMAs performance : “He came in and goes, ‘There are not a lot of artists I believe in more than you right now.’ The whole room went quiet. I was like, ‘Yo – can you say that again?!’ I just kept repeating that over and over in my mind, and it made me not nervous. Kanye is the shit. I kind of have a good relationship with him now. It’s good to have someone you can call and be like, ‘Yo, do you think I should wear this?’ ‘Do you think I should go in the studio with this guy?’ ‘Do you think this is cool?’ That’s what homies are supposed to do.”

On people saying that her VMAs performance broke a million boners and dried up a million twats: “I wasn’t trying to be sexy. If I was trying to be sexy, I could have been sexy. I can dance a lot better than I was dancing. People are like, ‘Miley thinks she’s a black girl, but she’s got the flattest ass ever.’ I’m like, I’m 108 pounds! I know! Now people expect me to come out and twerk with my tongue out all the time. I’ll probably never do that shit again.”

On people saying that she uses black people as her props: “I don’t keep my producers or dancers around ’cause it makes me look cool. Those aren’t my ‘accessories.’ They’re my homies. I’m from one of the wealthiest counties in America. I know what I am. But I also know what I like to listen to. Look at any 20-year-old white girl right now – that’s what they’re listening to at the club. It’s 2013. The gays are getting married, we’re all collaborating. I would never think about the color of my dancers, like, ‘Ooh, that might be controversial.’ What do you mean? Times are changing. I think there’s a generation or two left, and then it’s gonna be a whole new world.”

On how her twin Justin Bieber is trying too hard. HAHAHAHAHAHA: “He’s trying really hard. People don’t take him seriously, but he really can play the drums, he really can play guitar, he really can sing. I just don’t want to see him fuck that up, to where people think he’s Vanilla Ice. I tell him that. Like, ‘You don’t want to become a joke. When you go out, don’t start shit. Don’t come in shirtless.’ But the thing is, I think boys are, like, seven years behind. So in his head, he’s really, like, 12.”

On how Billy Ray Cyrus can sneak into her backyard in the middle of the night and watch her through her bedroom window as she twerks on her teddy bear’s face: One time she went out to her backyard and saw a shadowy figure in the bushes. “I thought I was gonna get murdered,” she says, “and then I see my dad climbing my fence. He’s like, ‘Sissy! I found a secret path where I can get from my house to your house without having to go on the street!’ I’m like, ‘Dad, you definitely just trespassed through someone’s yard.'”

On how Pharrell should probably switch to a different weed strain: On the way back to L.A., Miley’s phone buzzes. “This is why I love Pharrell so much,” she says, then reads a text that he sent her out loud. It’s at least 1,000 characters long; she scrolls forever. “The VMAs was nothing more than God or the Universe showing you how powerful anything you do is,” he says at one point. “It’s like uranium – it has the power to take over lives or power entire countries. Now that you’ve seen your power, master it.”

So what I got out of all of that is that Pharrell has officially lost every part of his mind, Miley’s brain twerks out lie after lie (see: “I’ll probably never do that shit again”), you can always find Billy Ray hiding behind a bush in his daughter’s backyard while nibbling from his Taco Party Pack for one and I’ll never look at Mackelmore the same way again since he and Miley are hair twins now.

Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).