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} Well, it's like this. Sam Raimi is the founder of an obscure} religious group (some might say "cult") called the Stoogians.} The Stoogians have dedicated their lives to the worship of old} "Three Stooges" movies. The connection, as you may know, is} that Shemp was one of the Stooges. Shemp replaced Moe, and} thus is technically the "fourth Stooge". Much Stoogian} literature deals with this replacement.}} Anyway, Sam Raimi is the author of the Stoogian's primary holy} book, the Stoogicon. One of the primary tenets of Stoogianism} is the belief that the Stooges will return, in a second coming} of sorts, at the end of the world, the Stoogalypse. In the} Stoogicon, Raimi tells of this time, and warns his followers of} "False Shemps" who will appear, and atempt to lead the true} believers astray. He warns the Stoogians to avoid these fake} Shemps, to seek out the One True Larry, the Holy Curly, and The} Original Moe.}} You owe the Oracle a full set of colorized Three Stooges movies} on video (VHS preferred), including "Evil Dead Stooges," "Evil} Dead Stooges 2," and "Stooges of Darkness." And a CD which} contains "The Curly Shuffle".

} The answer is a simple one. Socks are known to be cannabilistic by} nature, and few people realize the need to feed their socks. As a} result, the socks, sitting beside each other in the dark drawer, are} forced to eat each other...Of course, an entire pair of socks is never} completely eaten because one of the two, upon demonstrating his/her} formidable power by eating his/her partner, is never attacked by the} other socks, because they fear for their own lives.}} Stop the cycle! Feed your socks today! They like spam...

} Oh, another blank one. Best zot it then... ...no. Hang on. There's} something there. Hard to see, but...}} Ok, now just convert the white text to black so I can read it} properly... Hey, that's not a question. It appears to be an old file} which has somehow become attached to the null question text field...}} Let's have a read, shall we?}} -------------------------attached text--------------------------------}} Curikulum Viti}} Name: Alister Supplicant.} Date of birth: 15/4/68} Age: 35} Status: Single}} Adress: 24 New Street,} Wolfenden,} Arkansis.}} Educasion:}} 1972-1980 Wolfenden School for Yung Ofenders} Milk Monitor, Swimming badge class 2.}} 1981-1983 Wolfenden Detention Centre.} English (D)} Maths (E)} Riting (C)} Demanding Money with Menaces (B)} Safe Blagging (C)} Certifikate of Adult Literesy}} 1984 Wolfenden Prison} Grand Theft Auto (C)} Deception (B)}} Hyer Education:}} 1984 Wolfenden Prison} Jail Breaking (A)} Rioting (D)} Escaping (did not complete exam)}} 1985 Wolfenden Prison} Escaping (resit - A)}} Employment History:}} 1985-1987 No fixed employment}} In this job i had to find various ways of supporting miself} whilst evadin capture by the authorities. Soon I had enough} muney to get a nose job from Doc Smith and a new identity.}} 1987-1988 Harry's Bar}} Here I was reponsibl for keeping the purple gang and others} out of Harry's Bar. I got to wear a suit and evrything. Then} Harry left me the safe keys, so I quit.}} 1988-1990 Security Consultant}} In this job I was responsibull for checking the security of} various buildings, vehicles, etc. I found lots of things} were not as secure as they shud hav bin, too. Peepl kept} leaving cars unlocked, didn't close windows properly, stuff} like that.}} 1991-1993 Librarian}} Here I was responsibl for keeping the library clene and} makin people return their books when they wur supposed to.} Specially the ones what were inside for theft. And I got to} look after the pervy books, too, so it wasn't a bad three} years (with good behaviour)}} 1994-date Unix Consultant}} In this job all i hav to do is keep saying words like vi and} subsystem. Its' great, this one. Money for old rope, I ask} you guv. Oh, and I have to say "hardware problem" so that} someone comes to fix it wen its bust. There's loads of books} which have words in. Whenever someone starts asking awkward} questions I just have to read a few more words to say.}} Position applied for:}} I want at least 50K plus executive car and other benfits, 'cos thats} wot they ar payin me heer. And I want to come and go as I pleas rather} than do the hours, cos my woman keeps on about it.}} --------------------------end of attachment---------------------------

} It takes considerably more Martians to change a lightbulb than it does} humans. Not because the Martians are less capable, but because Mars} recieves less intense sunlight than the Earth, the lightbulbs are much} larger, thus requiring many Martians to even lift, let alone turn, one.}} You may not be aware of it, Supplicant, but this is the real reason} that the Martians have been trying to take over the Earth for so long.} They're tired of living in a dim world and they envy Earth's} brightness. People in the United States were acutely aware of this in} the 1950s, when talk of Martian invasion was rampant. Even Senator} Joseph McCarthy was aware of the impending danger when he spoke about} the "Red (Planet) Menace". Lately, however, Terran society has largely} ignored Mars, which is putting them in grave danger even now. There is} evidence of renewed Martian activity, most notably the disappearance of} the Mars Observer probe, and the collision of comet Shoemaker-Levy 9} with the planet Jupiter--the Oracle's sources say that the comet was} actually supposed to strike the Earth, but hit Jupiter due to errors in} the Martians' calculations.}} Top-level U.S. government plans to send large quantities of light bulbs} to Mars have failed to come up with a reasonable solution. Likewise,} ideas about assembling an Earth-orbital, solar-powered sunlamp aimed} at Mars have not been entirely successful. There has been some talk} about moving the Hubble Space Telescope to a position where its lens} could magnify the sun and heat up Mars, but there are enough problems} with the HST as it is.}} One radical faction here on Earth suggests discharging all Earth-based} nuclear devices, which would make the Earth incandescent and thereby} give Mars more light. Fortunately for the people of the Earth, they} don't have access to anything useful.}} So, dear Supplicant, consider this: ask not how many Martians it takes} to change a lightbulb, but how many lightbulbs will it take to change} the Martians?}} You owe the Oracle a pair of shades and some sunscreen.

> Great Oracle, who builds excitement,>> I saw this commercial about Ram trucks that were built tough, so I> went out and bought one.>> On the way home, a Honda Civic took more than half a second to get> going after the light turned green -- so I rammed it!>> It was fun. I stove in the whole rear of the little sucker, and> there was pieces of taillight all over the highway. Then I backed up> and went around, keeping on keeping on, on my way home.>> Next block, there was a Sentra that stopped when the light was still> yellow, and I rammed it. I liked that. Really cool.>> Don't wanna bore you with the details, but I sure had a good time> driving home, and bagged me about a dozen little Jap cars. Then,> when I parked and got out and got the camera to take a picture of me> with my nice new ram, I saw that the front was all dented in!>> Can you believe it? It's supposed to be a ram truck, and built> tough, and there it is all messed up after just a little bit of> ramming!>> Do ya think I should sue for false advertising?

} Oh, Gentle Supplicant,}} How your letter took me back to the early days, back when I was} able to freely roam your world in my chosen physical manifestation,} which happened to be as a magnificent ram. Oh, the rippling muscles,} the massive stature, the sheer joy of having those menacing horns} adorning my all-powerful head. How all creatures used to tremble at} my sight! How I used to roam far and wide, unhampered by anything,} unchallenged by anyone. All males cowered before me! All females} threw themselves at my feet! I was the king of all I surveyed!}} And then - one day as I was surveying my kingdom, I noticed a} disturbance far to the east. I rushed to check it out, and saw to} my horror a great, massive green creature rising from a volcano.} At first it looked like it was made out of papier-mache and cheap} latex, but before I could get close enough to tell, the creature} leaped at me and shot fire from its mouth. It was grappling with me!} This silly creature was trying to destroy me -- the Great Oracle!} I could see people running away screaming. Their mouths were moving,} but the sounds that came out didn't seem to match. Oh well, I didn't} have time to ponder on the meaning of this, for I had a more immediate} problem -- this creature had circled around and taken a bite out} of my backside! I backed up, turned around, took a mighty run, and} leaped into its belly, planting my horns square on their target.} This seemed to deflate the creature a bit, but it came back at me.} I rammed it again, giving myself an awful headache in the process.} The creature stumbled. I gathered myself, gave a final mighty leap, and} bashed the creature full in the chest, knocking it deep into the sea.}} Woozy, I decided it was time to return to my original physical form} and to my home. When I came in, Mrs. Orrie took one look at me and} screamed. I looked into the mirror and discovered that my posterior} had been severely distorted. Of course, being omnipotent, I was} able to restore it to its original beatitude with merely a thought.} So you see, dear supplicant, you cannot sue - Ram tough has always} been vulnerable to a Nippon the butt.}} You owe the Oracle a can of Bondo and three cheap, grainy B-movies.

> o great and wonderfull oracle please forgive my uter incompetance and> lack of knowledge. could you please help me to find information about> hurricanes, tornnadoes, and other weather hazards over north america.> i am trying to write a school report on how the national weather> service works.>> i bask in your greatness.

} This is a hard topic. Most weathermen you talk to are blowhards. Also,} a lot of meteoroligists are full of hot air. Marine bioigists are all} wet, and the beach experts have sand for brains. Lucky for you you} discovered the usenet Oracle!}} Here's what you can say to your teacher in the report:}} ************************************************************************} Whaether: what makeses the wind to blow an tha sun ta shin.}} Uh, lest weke ah filled downe and hit mah haid. It herts. A lot. But} Ahma still gonna finish this hear riport. Bicuz Ah luuuuuv skool!}} Whaether iz rilly rilly cool. Expesially in the north. In tha South its} hot.}} Pleeze giv me a A.}} thanks,} Melvin}} PS: herez $20 fer bein suh a gud teecher.}} That should do the trick.}} -O

} Hello, this is Dan Rather coming to you from Port-au-Prince, the} capitol of Haiti. Things have settled down quite a bit here since the} U.S. occupation, so today we'll take some time out to investigate a} burning question: _how_ _many_ _licks_ does it take, to to get to the} center of a tootsie pop? Connie Chung is here to help us find the} answer. Connie, are you ready? Okay, here we go.}} Connie is very good at this. Many times I have invited younger, less} experienced reporters to have a go at it, and invariably they will bite} down on it. Connie is... a true professional.}} Her experience shows in her technique as well. She licks all around} the tootsie pop, but gives special attention to the place where the} candy is thinnest. This will shorten the overall experience somewhat,} but makes the ending that much more pleasant.}} Well, it looks like she's done it. How many licks, Connie?}} "Two hundred and thirty-four, Dan -- and it was worth every lick to get} to that delicious chewy center."}} There you have it, from Port-au-Prince. This is Dan Rather.}} You owe the Oracle one of those huge jumbo-sized tootsie rolls.

} Yes, you still get presents. Especially if you're really polite to the} hijackers. It's Christmas presents you don't get if you cross the date} line on December 25th.}} Scene: High in the atmosphere above the Pacific, late at night. Muaroa} Atoll glows peacefully down below. An Air New Zealand 747 swhooshes by.} Looking out of one of the windows is one particularly pasty white but} expectant looking, if a bit vacant, face.}} [a pause of a few seconds, the sound of sleigh bells fades in]}} Santa: "On Prancer! On Dancer! On Ruldolf! In a few minutes they'll be} in Boxing day. Giddy Up! GO GO GO!!!!! YES!!!! WE'RE CATCHING!!! YES!!!} YES!! ALMOST THERE !!!! NO, YOU'RE SLOWING DOWN!!! ON! ON! ON!} ARRRGHHH!!! OH NO"}} [the airplane disappears into the distance]}} Santa: "Hell, those bloody planes get faster every year. Seems all} those steroids didn't do much good. Oh well, time to head for home."}} [Santa and his rather pumped and muscular reindeer turn right for the} North Pole, throwing out presents as they leave. Migosh Supplicant!} You were going to get a PowerPC, a modem, and 50 free hours on AOL!} Now it's whale food]}} You owe The Oracle a stack of witty answers to "Where's some plankton?"

} Well, Humble Supplicant, this is your lucky day! Not only will there} be baseball once again in North America, indeed there already is!}} Now, before I continue, I must warn you that the following} instructions may only be followed under advice and supervision of a} doctor. I have to worry about liabilities here...}} First, open your eyes. Look off into the distance; that big} rectangular object with moving pictures and flashing lights, where} once there was baseball, that you have sat in front of immobile since} early April, that's called a television. Observe the location of the} television, and get a good fix on it relative to the soft pliable} thing in which your posterior is firmly planted (called a couch for} future reference), in case you become disoriented later in the} exercise and wish to begin again.}} Carefully now, not too fast, you don't want to pull a muscle, stand} up. Slowly and cautiously, make your way to the television set. Now,} slowly turn around 360 degrees, just to get a good overview of your} surroundings. This is called a living room. You're well on your way} to finding Baseball now!}} Over there, the bright spot on the edge of the Living Room, that's} called a window. If you're feeling up to it, make your way over to} the Window. BE CAREFUL! You don't want to pull away the cumbersome} fabric that blocks the window (known as a Drape) too quickly. If you} do, you may become momentarily blinded. Should this happen, return to} the couch and repeat the previous steps with more caution and care.} Now slowly pull away the blind, just an inch at a time, and as your} eyes adjust to the light, look out the window. That's called the} yard.}} There! You've found it! Out through the window, in the yard, there} is the baseball! Lots of kids, America's Youth, playing America's} Passtime, Baseball. And having lots of fun at it, too--- what?} There's no-one there? <flip, flip, flip> oh, umm, it says here in the} Book of Oracularities that the kids of today are all playing Nintendo.} Well, remember the Television? There should be a baseball cartridge} for the Nintendo in the box beside it. Hit one out of the park for} me, will you?}} You owe the Oracle a recipe for couch potato au-grautin.