In today's leader, Dacre wrote that quality investigative journalism would be threatened by statutory regulation of the press. Also, according to scientists it would cause cancer.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Paul Dacre looked stunned this lunchtime after he dramatically lost his appeal against statutory regulation of the press.

Dacre, 64, and his newspaper had high hopes that he would be free to return home after spending the last 17 months hiding in his office in Goebells House, Kensington, wanted for the killing of British journalism.

As Dacre realized the enormity of what Lord Justice Leveson was saying he ceased his usual torrent of foul-mouthed swearing and abuse of foreigners, and instead sank into his chair sobbing uncontrollably while his family and friends hugged each other in tears.

A few feet away Hugh Grant, John Prescott and Christopher Jefferies, who had flown in especially for the verdict remained expressionless, staring straight ahead, glancing over just once at the distraught Dacre family.

Lord Justice Recursion said that "Whether prosecutors provided 'quotes for publication' in advance or not, there can be no argument that the description of events in the courtroom when the guilty verdict was read out was anything other than fictitious licence."

Prosecutors were delighted with the verdict and said that 'justice has been done' although they said on a 'human factor it was sad several old people would be spending years not just being able to arbitrarily make shit up any more'.

Following the verdict Dacre (and his co-defendants Desmond and Murdoch who are less attractive and therefore only mentioned in passing in this article) were taken out of court escorted by prison guards and into a waiting van which took them back to their padded cell at HMP Broadmoor.

All three will be put on a suicide watch for the next few days as psychological assessments are made on each of them but this is usual practice for long term Daily Mail readers.