You can't have just one

I created this site for me. It's a place I can say what I want, share what I want, not share things I don't want to share, and not have to feel guilty about any of it.

Why would I feel guilty about doing, or not doing, those things? That's just how my brain works. I have more issues than I care to list, but right now I'm going through a particularly rough patch with the anxiety flavored issues in my head. I can, and have, become anxious over anything, everything, and nothing. Sometimes all at the same time. I am that good at it. I worry at an Olympic level (not that it's a contest; it isn't). If I know you in person and you speak to me, I will worry about that. If I know you in person and you don't speak to me, I will worry about that too. I am highly skilled at crafting serious anxiety out of thin air. I'm hoping that sharing my worries will help me let go of them. Many of them, probably most of them, are irrational. Some of them are highly illogical, improbable, and maybe even impossible. I know that. I'm aware of it even while they're consuming my brain. Their real world viability doesn't affect their existence in my head in the moment.

Irrational worries are the worst, actually. I'm a grown woman who is still legitimately concerned that something evil might live under my bed (although the heaviest fear is that someone evil might be under my bed; people are always scarier than monsters). I know that this isn't going to happen. Logically, there's no way a grown human, or a monster of any real size, could fit under my bed. Anyone/thing that did venture in there would reveal its presence by sneezing, or choking on a dust bunny within minutes (doesn't everyone keep their dust bunny collection under their bed? Maybe what I'm actually afraid of is dust bunnies...). I also have a large dog, who sleeps with me. The idea that something large enough to harm me would elude him is downright laughable. And yet, I cannot hang my limbs off the edge of the bed at night without veering dangerously close to a panic attack. Frustrating doesn't really begin to cover it.