Honestly, what the heck is balance?

Once upon a time there was a girl who saw the world in black and white. She was all in, or completely apathetic. Words like “middle” or “balance” or “medium” really didn’t exist in her world. In case you’ve missed it, I’m talking about myself, in the third person, for no reason.

So throughout my early years, like elementary school, that was fine. I was a great student. I over-achieved. Because top-ish of the class wasn’t good enough; I had to be the smartest.

We could actually talk about my school years and how messed up I was back then, but that is another huge blog post(s?).

In grown up land, where I now find myself, especially raising children, having a husband, running my own business, and having an actual house (that doesn’t clean itself), and everything that comes with all of that adulting goodness, there is so much grey. So much medium. You cannot completely neglect, nor can you expect perfection in any aspect of life. You guys, this has been really hard on my psyche. Because, I ain’t gonna lie, up until about 6 weeks ago, I was failing miserably at find any semblance of balance in my life. It was go, GO, GOOOOO all the damn time. And we are talking living that way for years. Even through some therapy, medication, and breaking my freaking face, I still couldn’t seem to accept that I could ever live in that zen/balanced place that magically is a thing???? I really didn’t think it was. It was like magical fairy unicorn land. And as much as I love those three things, I wasn’t sure I could get there if it even existed.

I could blah, blah, blah about how I found my balance. That’s another blog post. (SO MANY MORE TO COME Y’ALL!) Mostly it was a trip to Colorado (no, not to 4/20 myself to zen) and seeing it modeled by a woman who has a few years on me, and had the same bullshit to deal with, and finally found it herself. But the point of this is, I kind of found it. Not perfectly (gah!) I don’t think there is a perfect anymore. In anything. So here I am.

The first thing you need to know about balance is that YOU are the center of it. If you, YES YOU, do not feed your own heart, body, mind, soul, chakras, whatever it is, you will never find it. What this didn’t look life for me: eating crap or forgetting to eat, not working out, not reading, writing or singing, and not feeding my spiritual side. What it does look like for me: being all the keto (and having someone meal plan and prep for my family — worth it), CrossFit, aaaaaaaaaand you guessed it! Reading, writing and singing. Oh, and also we went back to church and are doing a Discipleship thing AT OUR HOUSE WTF. I bought a pretty new journaling Bible and I’m actual using it! I don’t care what your thing is that feeds your soul. Do it. Consistently. Carve out the time for it. Even if that means x,y,z doesn’t get done. Prioritize FFS. I always have dirty laundry and clean laundry that isn’t put away. Like, every damn day. My family and I are all still alive.

The second thing you need to know is that you are still going to lose your ever loving mind. Those kids. That appointment. That freaking husband of yours. Whatever it is, you’re going to get annoyed and you’re going to shout and possible hit something (not a person or animal, please), or pour yourself a drink. This will happen, just be prepared. You can’t be zen AF all the time. Unless that’s like your life’s purpose in a special place away from modern society. And since that isn’t the life of anyone reading this, get over it. You’ll lose it. And that’s okay.

This leads to the third thing you need to know. GRACE. You have to give yourself grace. Because balance is still literally impossible. Perfect balance. But best-you-can-do balance? Totes achievable. Each day, sometimes each hour or minute, things will lean from one thing to another. You just can’t be like, “well eff that,” about one of your hats. (Y’all know about the different hats we wear thing, right? If not, ANOTHER BLOG POST!) Just be okay with letting one hat go crooked for a bit so you can focus on ONE THING AT A TIME. Multi-tasking is not really a thing. Like, literally our brains can’t. So stop trying. Sometimes I literally have to repeat the ONE thing I’m trying to do to myself the entire time that I’m walking into the room to do it until it gets done. If I don’t, I will squirrel myself into doing 572945739 other things that were not the priority at the time. K? So I get it.

You can’t leave any of these out. If you do, all the cookies will crumble. And that’s sad because cookies are yummy. You could also insert tacos.

I’m just letting you know that if I of all people can get this, you can too. Need help? Let me know. OR get a therapist. They are professionals. I’m just a woman on the internet that you don’t really know, BUT, I’m totally willing to field questions/comments/concerns.

And I myself am a huge work in progress. OH WAIT! I need to explain the photo. Our family has recently become obsessed with Trolls. That movie is life, y’all. Soundtrack on repeat. We’ve been watching it almost every other day. Anyway, the first song is a song called, “Hair Up.” Six weeks ago I wanted to pretty much wanted to die. The weight of the world and all the to-dos was too heavy. Now I am enjoying my children. I’m all in with them when they need me. And when my daughter and I need to put our hair up and whip it, whip it for this song, that’s what I’m going to do. And then I’m going to watch her sing and dance to the entire soundtrack because that is her beautiful creativity (and her ADHD) pouring out all over the living room floor and I don’t want to miss those moments because the dishes aren’t done, or those invoices aren’t sent. Ew, this sounds like one of those, “they grow so fast, cherish every moment, BLAH” blog posts. I swear it’s not. Because I kind of hate those. I mean, I know there is truth in them but I just get sick of it because sometimes, in some moments, I want them to just grow the heck up already. Wipe your own butt. Leave me alone while I’m in the bathroom. You know what I’m talking about.

But there we were and I loved every second of it. I might have been able to go to bed before 2am if I hadn’t done that. But it was worth it. I literally did the same thing as a child (the interpretive dancing thing), and I only remember my brother making fun of me for it. I don’t remember anyone reveling in it. I want her to remember that. And she will because she has a creepy memory and remembers everything.