Elle magazine has made a startling little declaration about Hollywood's most eligible bachelor. It's right there on the cover, in thick, bold letters:

"Don't Date George Clooney."

Thanks for the tip. So, is this the work of some bitter, jealous ex-girlfriend? Perhaps an editor who's been snubbed by Clooney's publicist one too many times?

Actually, as it turns out, it's neither. And now, the un-datable one himself, George Clooney, is steamed at the magazine for deceiving readers with its November issue--and making him come off like an armpit-sniffing fetishist.

The 39-year-old star of The Perfect Storm and Three Kings fired off a letter Wednesday to the magazine's editors, accusing them of linking him to an article that wasn't even about him.

The article in question featured a full-page photo of Clooney along with the blazing headline "Gods and Monsters." In the accompanying article, writer Deanna Kizis offers some salacious details about her disastrous date with an unnamed movie megastar, before spouting off the pluses and minuses of going out with famous people.

Describing her hunky celebrity suitor only as an actor from The Thin Red Line, Kizis goes on to write that her date was a bore and, at the end of the night, the guy--and we must quote--"stuck his face in my armpit. He took a deep whiff and, coming up for air, said, 'You smell sooo good.' "

"You put my name on the cover of your magazine in a story that has nothing to do with me," Clooney writes to the women's mag. "I am not the actor in the story entitled 'Don't Date George Clooney'

"The article is so deceptive...that my parents called to ask me about it," he adds. "So, what do I do? I can't sue. No malicious intent. No criminal charges, obviously. No big deal. I guess I could get the boys together and egg your house."

For its part, Elle's editors say they're sorry for the whole misunderstanding (perhaps believing that "Don't Date George Clooney" could be construed in some other way). Says Elle editor-in-chief Roberta Myers in a statement: "Although George Clooney is pictured in November's 'Gods and Monsters' story, along with several of Hollywood's most eligible bachelors, he is not directly named in any of author Deanna Kizis' personal dating experiences.

"If there has been any misunderstanding, we apologize," she adds. "We at Elle, along with millions of women around the world, consider Clooney to be one of Hollywood's most attractive men."

But it seems that his dating rep isn't the only beef Clooney has with Elle these days. In his letter, the actor also bashes the magazine for not putting enough actors of color on its cover. "Playing by your rules, what if I was to point out that a certain national magazine that just had my name on their cover wouldn't put an African American on their front page because they felt the magazines wouldn't sell as well?" Clooney observes in his letter.

Clooney specifically mentions that his old ER pal, Eriq LaSalle, whom he says remains the show's only starring member not to have made the cover (this, despite doing three photo shoots for Elle). In that same time, Clooney contends, 32 white actors have graced the front page. "That seems a little lopsided, doesn't it?" he writes.

"The rules are clear," he concludes, "and I can play by them, too. So, since you don't want to 'date' me then I suggest you don't get to screw me, either...

"...Not without flowers and candy."

Sincerely, George.

As for the Thin Red Line's armpit sniffer? You'll just have to look at the credits and make your own guess.