24 Things No-One Tells You About Being A New Mum

02/03/18

Ah motherhood, the greatest and most WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK thing you’ll ever do.

Herw’s 24 things no-one tells you about being a new baby mama.

1. That yes alright OK you’ll have to change your baby’s clothes a lot because of rather aggressive nappy leaks, but that you’ll also have to change your baby’s clothes a lot because you’ve splattered spaghetti bolognese all over them and lol go you.

2. Even if you swear you’re not going to become one of those lame ass parents who speak in stupid baby voices, you absolutely will. You will also use ridiculous words like dum dum, bot bot and bum bum.

3. People, most notably those over the age of 65, will love to just peer inside your buggy. Half the time they won’t even say anything, they’ll just stick their head in and stare at your baby like they’re having a good nosey at the reduced shelf down Waitrose. Ummm can I help you, mate?

4. Your baby will mostly like sleeping in places you haven’t paid for it to sleep. Moses basket? Lol nah. Cot? Lol nah. Sleepyhead? Lol nah. On you whilst you’re trying to take a sneaky sofa nap? Abso-freaking-lutely.

5. You will always get to your cup of tea the very second it becomes undrinkable. I mean, you’ll drink it anyway because IT’S TEA, but y’know, you won’t actually enjoy it.

6. You’ll feel like one heck of a smug bitch when you roll into the last parent and baby space at the supermarket only to realise that for fuck’s sake, it’s approximately 2.7 miles away from the front of the shop. You’ve birthed a child and this is the kind of hero’s welcome you get?

7. Even if you’re not sure how much you even liked your midwife, you will mourn her the minute she signs you over to the health visitor. BUT WE’VE BEEN ON SUCH A LONG AND BEAUTIFUL JOURNEY TOGETHER, PLZ DON’T LEAVE ME, I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU, I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU, COME BACK.

8. Muslins will become your absolute lifeline. Baby dribbled milk down themselves? Grab a muslin. Baby thrown up in your hair? Grab a muslin. Baby doing a ginormous wee mid-nappy change? Grab a muslin. Parenthood making you do a big fat ugly cry at 2am? Grab a muslin.

9. Every time you hear someone who doesn’t have a small baby say that they’re tired, you’ll want to smush their face into the ground and tell them to pull on their big boy pants. Sleep deprivation makes you a calm, serene, wonderful person to be around.

10. The minute you feel like you’ve got your shit together and hang on I think I might be nailing this? You’ll suddenly be unable to put your pushchair down and oh god you’re really hot and the baby’s screaming and ow OK you’ve hurt your hand and is everyone staring at you and oh wow now you’re crying the end.

11. Around 72% of all your conversations with your baby daddy will be about nappy contents. I mean, you used to be mildly cool and discuss things like pizza orders and crime documentaries and now you’re just rating poos out of ten. Classy.

12. You will sometimes catch sight of yourself naked in the mirror and be like um sorry who dis? Everything has changed and yet you don’t have the time or mental energy to care about it for longer than about 2.4 seconds, which actually is kinda nice.

13. Even if you’ve got no clue how to hold a baby, change a baby or wind a baby, the minute you’re suddenly left in charge of your own, you’ll suddenly jump into action like you’ve been doing it your whole life and hey, look at you go!

14. Your phone battery won’t be completely rinsed from repeatedly scrolling through Instagram, no, your phone battery will be completely rinsed from reading Mumsnet threads about tips on getting your baby to sleep for more than three hours at a time.

15. And because of that, your Facebook feed will suddenly become flooded with adverts for the MyHummy and Baby Sleep Programs. You’ll spend half your waking day reading reviews because WHAT IF THEY ACTUALLY WORK?

17. Stretch marks can appear after you’ve had the baby. Including on your private parts. WHAT. WHO. WHY. WHEN.

18. You will become the queen of just winging it and hoping for the best. When childless friends ask things like ‘so how do you know if the bath water is the right temperature?’ you’ll just shrug and say ‘well, the baby didn’t scream so….?’

19. Your health visitor will give you enough leaflets for you to open your own GP surgery, which is cute for y’know, the trees and the environment. You’ll read the front page of one of them and then shove them all in a drawer never to see the light of day again.

20. You’ll notice that everyone in the world (but mostly other mums on the internet) have apparently got PHDs in baby studies. You’ll notice this because they’ll leave comments (on threads, on instagram, on YT videos) to kindly let other mums know that they are on the verge of killing their baby. Thanks hun, ‘preciate it.

21. Everyone will talk about this overwhelming love you’ll feel for your baby the moment he/she is placed in your arms. It’s SO normal if actually you’re like ok yeah I kinda like you, we’ll see. It can take days or even weeks before you’re like FUCKING HELL YOU’RE BRILLIANT YOU ARE.

22. Your camera roll will become 97% baby and you’ll have to physically restrain yourself from posting every single one to social media because lol, no-one will ever think your baby is as cute as you do (aside from maybe the grandparents if you’re lucky).

23. The only thing that will make night feeds even slightly enjoyable are snacks. And maybe Netflix. And yes OK maybe smelling your baby’s head for the 46726635th time, but mostly da snacks <3

24. Even when it feels hard and even when you’re crumbling on the inside, you’ll realise that actually you’re way stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for. High five, sista.