Thursday, March 28, 2002

Trepanning Permission

In a move announced by Stephen Byers today, it has become clear that the government is planning to adopt the French methods of ensuring that local government is both efficient and accountable. The Department of Transport, Local Government and the Regions, in the green paper it published today "Delivering a short, sharp death sentence" describes how it will be encouraging Britons to follow the lead of Parisian Richard Durn, who opened fire on his local council meeting with an automatic weapon, shortly before killing himself, leaving eight dead, and 19 more injured.

"It is clear that we must combat the spiralling costs of local government," said Mr Byers "And if we can do that at a local level, so much the better. Let's be frank, it's annoying that anyone should have to vote any more than once every five years, and culling members of parish, city and county coucils through the use of heavily armed vigilantes, who will take their own lives before coming to court marks a cost saving in every department."

It is believed that any council seat held by someone slaughtered by a lonely gun-nut will be filled by an appointee from Westminster, saving the expense and wasted time of a by-election. A spokesman for the department said: "It is clear that in the future, murder will become one of the key performance indicators on which we shall judge any council. A council in fear for its life is more likely to be responsive to the needs of its constituents, and offer higher vertically-integrated advantages for greater all-round growth."

The move, however, has come in for criticism from the Opposition. Shadow Chancellor, Michael Howard met the press in the parlour of a Westminster brothel. Dressed in a velvet smoking jacket, dangling a cheroot rakishly from his twisted bottom lip, and gazing smoulderingly at the assembled hacks he said: "This is just another example of Labour trying to use the language of efficiency but the policies of rampant socialism. What guarantees have we that we are getting best value from our psychotics, against what are they to be benchmarked? That is where this green paper is dangerously quiet, and it is that which the British taxpayer will refuse to wear."

Referring to a 'nanny state', Mr Howard went on to call for public tendering for all positions as homicidal brain-jobs, with preferred bids coming from consortia made up of members of previous Tory cabinets, and other wealthy industrialists. "The success of private enterprise in our rail and tube systems, hospitals, gas, electricity and steel industries, all attest to the fact that this shouldn't be a cushy, nationalised butchery, but one carried out by the far more experienced members of the private sector. After all, who else is better-versed in blood-letting for profit?" He asked with a raised eyebrow, before sinking his fangs into a plump, young virgin.

Friday, March 22, 2002

"Retards win Oscars, give me mine now!" says Crowe

During a press conference at which he wrestled a sheep to the ground today, Russel Crowe demanded that the Academy forgo its usual awards ceremony, in favour of just giving him the damned thing, and replace it with a documentary about how to drink beer.

The feisty Antipodean stood astride a podium, freshly sheared mutton in one hand, his Oscar from last year in the other. "Look, mates: Rain Man, My Left Foot, Forrest Gump, Scent of a Woman, and even As Good As it Fuckin' Gets, all of these had spazzers in on the understanding that they'd get the Oscar. I'm last year's Best Actor in a Leading Role, and this year I made the effort to pretend to be a duhrbrain in front of all my friends, so let's cut the crap, all right?"

The grizzled Australian, who expressed no surprise at how it snows at the wrong time of year in the northern hemisphere, and seemed unfazed by the direction water flowed out of his sink, says that they may as well chuck the whole thing now, and give it another go next year. He also demanded that the Academy award a post-dated Oscar to Richard Dreyfus for Whose Life is it Anyway, and cried when someone mentioned the whales.

Thatcher killed by verb!

When the faithful gathered to hear former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher give a speech on European integration today, few expected the horror that was to come. Observers say that the lizard-queen began confidently, using the words: 'dago', 'wop' and 'chink' more than forty times in her opening sentence. However, she was less than than three minutes into her insane ramblings when a verb appeared to catch in her throat leading to her imediate hospitalisation. Marc Perry, 32, who was there and once watched an episode of ER, said: "The words seemed to lodge in the back of her mouth and start strangling her, using her tongue as some sort of primitive bludgeon. I suspected the presence of subdural epidoemas instantly. I need a saline IV over here, stat!"

Earlier in the week, doctors had advised Mrs Thatcher that she should no longer speak in public, given her state of health, after she complained of 'feeling ill' on Tuesday morning. Mrs Thatcher died peacefully, whilst beating an NHS doctor about the head and chest with a poisoned walking stick.

Still, her spokespeople say that he has no intention of letting this minor setback affect her public appearances. "Mrs Thatcher is a world-renowned leader, with a lot to offer in terms of both knowledge and expertise at the highest level. She is also a doughty old bird, and henceforth shall be wheeled around in a specially prepared coffin equipped with a tube through which she can talk. She has no intention of lying down just yet!"

Bush at the Comedy Store, Sunday!

The Comedy Store Players today announced that, in future, they will be joined on stage by President of the United States of America, George W Bush. The improvisational comedy troupe made the shocking decision after hearing reports of Bush's keynote speech to the UN conference on Financing the Development of Mexico on Friday. Paul Merton says: "I laughed my ringpiece through my nose."

White House sources say greeted the news warmly: "We are glad that the speech went down so well, and that the jokes hit the right note. World debt is a serious issue, but I'd be lying if I said we didn't think broad comedy was the way to go with it." George W Bush is said to be working up some new material, given the success of his offer to give more aid to countries that embraced free trade and democracy. "After the results of the 2000 elections and the impositions of import tariffs on steel, we thought the best way was to give everyone a laugh before starting the important work of neglecting the world's poor".

The Comedy Store have great hopes for their new signing, rejecting allegations that the President's 'bumbling fool' routine was getting stale: "George has shown today that there's a lot of life left in his form of comedy. He's one of a kind, and he's working up lots of new material. I wouldn't be giving too much away to if I said 'Keep you eyes on Iraq! And look for sales of whoopee cushions to go through the roof'".

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Cheney offers Arafat olive branch

In a move today that looks likely to end all war in the Middle East, Vice-President of the USA Dick Cheney is preparing to offer an olive branch to the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. After a cycle of months of violence, this gives many hope that world peace could be achieved by Christmas.

The olive branch itself will have to be removed by Mr Arafat without using his hands from between Mr Cheney's clenched, naked buttocks, the currently favoured method in the international community is with his teeth. Nelson Mandela said: "Teeth. Definitely. They're the only way to go in a situation like this." A spokesman for the Vice-President said: "We see this as a very positive move. Yes, under the harsh lights of a press conference, sweat may well be an issue, but Mr Sharon's only stipulation is that there be no towels on hand to remove it. He's being very reasonable about the whole thing."

The White House press department rejected claims that the old man would have to pretend to have to enjoy nuzzling the Vice-President's hairy crack: "It would be quite unfeasible for us to expect Mr Cheney's heart to stand up to that sort of rectal attention. Mr Arafat will simply have to wear a T-shirt throughout the process, which reads 'I'm sorry I was wrong. So very, very wrong.'"

Dick Cheney has a nice smile. Sort of like a billionaire, beardless Santa.

Greens join the Nazi Party

(late filing from Berlin, October 1932)

In a shock move today, which may well prove crucial in next month's Reichstag elections, the Green Party has allied itself to the National Socialists, primarily in support of their call for 'lebensraum'.

A Green spokesman said: "This very closely mirrors our own belief in the support of rural economies, and of a sustainable agricultural future. It's obvious that we can't keep on going the way we are now without significantly adding to the amount of green field sites we have."

The move will be seen as a great boon to the public image of Nazism, heretofore mainly popular amongst anti-Semites and leather-fetishists. Party spokeman Rudolph Hess said yesterday: "We have been often been portrayed in the past as narrow-minded extremists. This should prove to everyone, and especially the young, that the immediate establishment of a Third Reich is a sensible policy for a sensible Germany."

Humans Fail to get Angry

The world community was rocked to its foundations today, as it emerged that a group of high-profile entertainers had, today, failed to protest the killings of thousands of innocent Afghans.

Song-writer Sir Elton John was joined by the likes of Ian McKellen, Eddie Izzard and Maureen Lipman in unilaterally remaining silent about the American military actions in the area. The Afghans, not seen on any cruise ships in Cairo, and enduring the worst famine in recent memory, are thought to have aroused no concern at all about their plight because they are poor and have contributed very little to the world of showtunes. Labour EuroMP Michael Cashman, who was once in Eastenders said: "If we do nothing then we condone these abuses of fundamental rights."