Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Conversations With Someone Else: Miss Ocean City 2005 discusses Law and Order SVU

Welcome to a new feature here on TV My Wife Watches called "Conversations With Someone Else" in which I exchange emails with someone who is not me to pick their brains about some stupid television show. Our inaugural guest is Miss Ocean City, New Jersey 2005, Aubre, who also writes the blog Thrifty Rittenhouse, where she blabs about everything from buying pajamas to buying other, slightly more expensive pajamas. You can find her blog here.

Enough prefacing, let's get to it:

Evan:All right Aubre, both you and my wife consistently watch Law and Order SVU, despite the fact that after every episode, you end up freaking out and thinking that everyone on your block will rape you. I came home last Tuesday night to find Darrie balled up in the corner, with a bowl of ice cream in one hand and a cleaver in the other, threatening to "gut whoever is about to walk in that door!" My question is, what am I missing here? Why do you insist on watching this show? Is it even enjoyable? I can't imagine it is, considering a) it sucks and b) generally women don't like to be scared that they're going to get raped.

Aubre:Hey Evster,

So I started writing a response to this on Friday night, before I was forced to abandon the draft due to my awesome weekend plans.**

So Law and Order SVU: It's really amazing how frightened I can be by a network television show created by a guy named Dick Wolf. (Can I say "dick" in this instance?) (if not, you can blur that out) Although I think you might be exaggerating a little when describing Darrie's state after the Tuesday night marathon? I mean... I'm sure she's a little on edge, but would she really be eating ice cream after 9pm!? I too have fallen victim to the same kind of exaggeration when detailing my post-marathon mental state. Because, if you've ever met me, you'd know I would NEVER own a butter knife!

But, back to the "why". There's the obvious reason-- male eye candy in the form of Ice-T. But me for me, I don't like the whole "you can look, but you can't touch" thing and Ice-T is a TAKEN MAN! I think I watch simply because I can't believe what these sex perverts will come up with next! It's fascinating!

I think in each reply we should talk about one of our favorite guest stars in an SVU episode. I'll start it off with Bob Saget's 2006 appearance in the episode "Choreographed" where he plants a micro-chip in the shoulder of his cheating wife to track her locations. Danny Tanner you are a creep! This may only be surpassed by Melissa Joan Hart's 2007 guest appearance in the episode "Impulsive" where she plays a school teacher who is raped by her sex- addicted student. Sabrina the Teenage Witch you are a creep!

**laundry.

Evan:First of all Aubre, I'd like to say thanks for answering a grand total of ZERO of my questions! Actually, that's not true, you sort of answered why you watch the show, so I apologize.

The first sixteen times that I read your reply, I actually thought you were serious about Ice-T and wrote this whole long-winded tirade about his ridiculous pony-tail and wife who may actually be a horse. I would also like to state for the record that black people with pony-tails are sort of unacceptable. I understand that Snoop pulled it off and Antoine Dodson took it to a whole new level, but growing up, my mother continuously told me two things:

Just a guy and his wife hanging out.

1. Don't trust black people with ponytails.
and
2. Don't trust women who may actually be a horse.

So if creative sexual perversion is what drives America's viewing audience, then Steven Bochco and I should be making millions on Cop Rock 2000: The Search for Ice-T's wife. Let it be known that I wooed my wife by emailing her a made up story that I had a dream about her the previous night. It was a simple, devious strategy:

I sent her an email saying that I had a spicy dream about her, but felt embarrassed and understood if she didn't wanna hear about it (but I still asked if she wanted to hear the deets). Of course, she replied with something like, "Really? wow, yeah, sure, I guess you can tell me about it" and took the bait, and then boom! she was hooked and I unloaded a Penthouse Forum-esque sexcapade that was completely fabricated. She inevitably felt flattered, saw me in a whole new light and ended up back at my place for an evening that paled in comparison to my previous emails. Now, years later, she's reading about it in a blog that supposed to be about reality television and will most likely end up divorcing me and burning her shoebox of pictures, ticket stubs and ball-gags that we've shared together.

As far as my favorite guest star, it has to be the impending appearance by Ice T's wife, Coco. I also really hope they somehow incorporate Smarty Jones into a season long arc; maybe a whole love triangle thing
with Ice-T and Coco. Or maybe a rap battle where he takes on Ice-T and stomps his hoof on the stage, leading to a national dance craze called The Stomper and eventually an appearance on Oprah because kids
keep getting stomped to death at clubs.

I cannot believe we've already gotten off topic after only two emails and I can't wait to see Oprah interview a horse.

Aubre:Coco already guest starred in the 2007 episode "Fight", where she played a horse**

** a prostitute

I may or may not own a Smarty Jones t-shirt.

Evan:How do you have all of this knowledge of previous episodes? I mean, how do you even know what episodes are called?

Another thing that bothers me about the show is the way that characters just flow into the conversation without even being in the room / scene. It's like, Ice-T and that lady will be talking about something, and then another guy will stroll in and finish their sentence (normally while walking down a spiral staircase). Why are they always on spiral staircases? Why do people even make spiral staircases? Those things are so hard to navigate! Smarty's gonna fall!

Seeing as you are a former Miss Ocean City, you must've ridden a horse before. What's it like?

Aubre:I'd venture to say that I've seen AT LEAST 56% of all SVU episodes. A percentage that is less than impressive and totally statistically insignificant in any other realm. But this show has been on for like 12 seasons, each season containing somewhere around 15 episodes, and each episode being an hour long. And if a train leaves Houston at 9:57 am, filled to capacity, traveling Northwest at 65mph towards Denver it DEFINITELY runs faster than Smarty Jones.

I think the "another guy" you speak of is Richard Belzer aka Skunk Stripe aka Sgt. John Munch, who is Ice-T's partner. In fighting crime, not in the "life partner" sense-- As we discussed, Ice-T is in a bestial relationship with a horse. Munch is as comical as he is dead-serious. He often enters a scene via a spiral staircase. Even if the scene is outside in a rat-ridden alley of New York, where a victim's body as been found, Munch will climb down the fire escape and join the conversion with an INSANELY informed observation. "I was going through the victim's belongings and found a flake of dandruff that showed a high level of flakiness. This is often a result of extreme flouride depletion in the water." To which Stabler will jump in "Most parts of Eastern Europe have extremely low levels of flouride in their water.... Maybe our vicitim is a Eastern European sex worker?" And then Ice-T: "I know a woman who works with illegal immigrants brought to the US for the sex trade. Maybe she can help us".

I think what I admire most about this show is how seamlessly everything comes together. Munch makes this INSANE observation about as casually as he'd announce that he'd taken a crap that morning while reading the paper-- and then everything just starts falling into place. Which is about the time I start thinking that I could totally solve all of these crimes myself. If only I had a skunk stripe.....

And, no. I've never ridden a horse. I imagine it to be terrifying.

Evan:I have also never ridden a horse, but I did one time fall down a spiral staircase and landed on a nail and probably contracted hoof-and-mouth disease.

Okay, there's no way Richard Belzer's name is Sgt. John Munch ... John Munch?! The name alone is sexually deviant. This Dick Wolf guy is an absolute genius (also a deviant name!).

I can imagine the creators of the show sitting around in a meeting, coming up with this stuff.

What about the guy from Wet Hot American Summer? The cook. He's a detective too! How can he be a detective?!?! He's a cook! And every time I watch the pretty lady is getting like, punched in the face! Also, she attended my friend Danny's wedding in California (she was apparently friendly with the bride's father who was also a former acid dealer) and my wife couldn't stop staring at her. I didn't really pay much attention to her because the Los Angeles sunglass'd couple in front of us kept making out during the entire ceremony and I almost barfed all over them.**
**got sort of turned on.

Aubre: Speaking of weddings -- my high school friend was telling me that he recently attended a wedding with his girlfriend of two Christian Scientists (there's any oxymoron!) and the ceremony + reception were dry. No alcohol. Is that not AGONY or what!? I would rather marry John Munch than attend a wedding with no booze. Also apparently the priest kept saying how the bride and groom were now "dedicating their life to serving God" and how they were "special" because they "waited". It's like, okay I get IT. They've never had sex! Now, not only am I dead sober, but I'm actually pitying the bride and groom. Misery. So are you and Darrie planning a dry wedding ceremony? Cool!

Anyway, this is taken directly from Richard Belzer's IMDB page: "A social misfit, was kicked out of every school he ever attended, due to his uncontrollable wit."

That is brilliant.

This is actually incredible. According to his IMDB page, this is the evolution of Detective / Sgt. John Munch:

Role originated in the series "Homocide: Life on the Streets."
After it's cancellation, his role was reprised in the original Law and Order.
He then played Det. John Munch in an episode of The X-Files as well as an episode of The Wire.
The role was again resurrected for Law and Order SVU.

Long live Sgt. Munch!!

Evan:First of all, thanks for telling all three of our readers that I'm not acccctually married yet (we're engaged, but I couldn't figure out how get that little accent thing on the "e" in TV My Fiance Watches). And no, we will not be having a dry wedding, but will be serving both Iced Tea and Horse Juice for our tea-totaling guests.

So after all this, you still have not really answered my original question as to why you and my wife (just go with it) freak yourselves out with this show! Is it some sort of thrill seeking activity like those guys who bungee jump or attempt to eat an entire squirrel? Personally, I hate the X Games and don't understand why people feel the need to flirt with death. I once spent an entire hour at Franklin Institute screaming at some hikers on an IMAX screen that THEY DID NOT HAVE TO CLIMB MOUNT KILIMANJARO! Trust me, that little flag DID NOT NEED TO GO on the other side of that NINETEEN THOUSAND FOOT ICE-COVERED GLACIER!!!

More terrifying: ice climbing for SVU?

I once tried to sneak into a locked basketball gym by climbing a nine foot fence and spent close to four and a half minutes perched at the top, terrified to jump down. My two buddies down below screamed at me to "just jump!" which only exacerbated my fears of not only breaking my face, but also sneaking into a gym that WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO INTO! To this day, they call me "The Bird Man" cause I was perched up there for so long.

Also, people SHOULD NOT call their friends The Bird Man. ... It's just mean and I'm not a bird.

Aubre:Well I guess I need to wrap this up being that the day is almost done.

So I lie awake for a few sleepless nights fearing brutal rape, bludgeoning, incest, sexual enslavement, horses etc. I think that's a pretty small price to pay for literally HOURS of entertainment each week.

Evan: For the record, I am not a bird.

This guy is a bird.

(Evster's note: I would like to apologize now to my readers for not asking Aubre any questions about how one actually becomes Miss Ocean City or what it takes to win the Miss Ocean City crown. This remains one of life's great mysteries. I realize this was a tremendous mistake on my part and would also like to apologize for not attaching any pictures of Aubre in a bikini.)

SVU so successfully creeped me out, that we eventually renamed all the Law and Orders (back when there were three) Law and Order Chris Noth, Law and Order Donofrio and Law and Order Dead Baby. My sister in law makes me read your blog and I don't even have a tv.