Saturday, March 24, 2012

Hard Week

It has been a very hard week for me. You always feel pretty self-sufficient until something comes along and shakes you in your boots, makes you quiver in your skin, perhaps makes you angry, annoyed, or fall to the floor in tears. I have written a lot on this blog about being single, as it relates to dating and being a minister, but the absence of close friends and family is also something very big, especially for those who are single and moving around, always having to go to the next place, make another life, be in another community, and start new friendships.

This week was the first time in this new town that I had car trouble and that might seem minor, but it makes me feel so out of control. It reminds me of being back in high school and college, when I had to depend on others, when I was not free to go anywhere and wasn’t able to feel useful and productive with a job because I lacked transportation. It is also very odd to call people, whom I have only known a few months, and ask for help. I don’t want to seem like I am merely using people, but it feels that way, because I haven’t been in this town long enough to make really close friends and don’t really know who to call, on whom it wouldn't be a burden and who won't think I am trying to use them and take their friendship for granted. I did have one person from church and one person from work come to help me jump my car, once this Money and another time after I was on-call Friday so I could drive to the shop. From no water in my battery, new batteries, check engine light, car not starting, corroded battery clamps/cables, and spending 2.5 hours at the auto shop after a 24hr on-call; it has just been a emotionally exhausting week, as well as financially, shelling out $100 for a battery and $300 for repairs (and I may have not even needed a new battery!).

I am feeling better now I suppose, but some residual feelings are still left. I don’t like not having order, not having control. I do not like feeling like my life is chaotic. I wonder about all the bad things that can happen. My car breaking down and I can’t go to work. Can’t find a ride. Can’t find someone to help. Everything worked out but I still do not like those feelings. I felt a lot calmer when I was around family, because a broke down car meant nothing bad, just call family; my mom or dad, maybe my brother, they would come and help. It will be OK. But when you are own your own, away from everyone, you only have your self, you are all alone; at least that is how it feels. You have to relearn everything, make new friends, and go to another church. Sometimes it is just so much. After moving to Lubbock, I would like a job here or only to move another time, then stay put for a long while. I am tired of moving, of being and feeling uprooted. I want to make friends and not have to leave anymore.

The odd thing is, I am so blessed, and everything turned out fine; yet emotionally I still feel icky somehow. I guess I would just like some peace, some stability. I am thankful for where I am at, yet I know I will likely have to move again and do all this over again. I guess I am getting better at moving but I want to be better at staying, at being. If I have to move again, I want it to be in a place where I can stay for at least 5-15 years. I want a good job, deep and long friendships, and to be in a church knowing I wont be there for the short-term.

~ Daniel

Edit: Sorry I repeated myself. I noticed as I was editing this but I am leaving it because I think it shows my emotions somehow in all of this.