The Nutting case "If the diaper fits, you must acquit." According to press accounts from 2003, that was the wording on a sign carried at a State House rally by a supporter of Republican state Representative Robert Nutting of Oakland.

Make that "fraud" My unbiased analysis of the 2010 Maine gubernatorial election reveals that most voters didn't want any of the candidates to win. The proof? A sizable majority voted against each of them.

Highly experimental Here at the Institute for Advanced Studies of the Effects of Sarcasm and Derision on Political Philosophies, we've been conducting a comprehensive battery of tests to determine whether newly elected Maine Republicans really mean that stuff they've been saying about reducing the size and cost of state government.

Governors: listen to your legislators Any idiot can be governor. I'm not saying Republican Governor-elect Paul LePage is such an idiot. But if it turns out he is, it's comforting to know that it won't make much difference.

Candidates in their final, desperate moments In the final days of a tight gubernatorial race, the campaigns tend to get desperate, then frantic, then crazy. That progression leads to increasingly wacky attacks on the opposition, few of which turn out to be true, although many of them ought to be.

Hit the jackpot If you're opposed to casinos in Maine, there's one way to make certain the state won't be overrun with noxious gambling emporiums sucking up every dollar of disposable income we have left: vote in favor of every single one of them.

Behaving badly Getting a stern lecture on political decorum from the likes of me would be similar to being scolded by Hannibal Lecter for indulging in cannibalism. Both reprimands would carry a strong odor of hypocrisy.

Board overhaul Maine’s government contains more than 300 boards and commissions — ranging from the influential, such as the Finance Authority of Maine (FAME) and the Land Use Regulation Commission (LURC), to the obscure, such as one that oversees landscape architects and another that makes sure cosmetologists don’t spread cooties.

Mad political science I have just finished conducting extensive scientific experiments that required me to wear a white lab coat, to order my deformed assistant to dig up corpses from fresh graves, and to combine common household chemicals in plastic soda bottles. The results of my tests are indisputable.

Libby Mitchell's rose-colored glasses It's the message most Democratic legislative candidates don't want to find on their voicemail: "Hi, it's Libby Mitchell. I'll be in your area next week and thought it would be really great if we could campaign together."

The cartoony Cutler I'm not saying this is a reason to vote either for or against independent gubernatorial candidate Eliot Cutler, but have you noticed how he bears a distinct resemblance to Fred Flintstone?