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Author
Topic: Where do I go from here? (Read 1182 times)

I have posted in many places in this forum. I really had to walk away from this site and other hiv sites. I was going crazy thinking it was really my meds. but I do believe it was I was just overwhelm with it all.. I'm a 50yr straight woman, who got hiv from my fwb who I had been seeing for the last three years. I believe I was infected on Christmas day Yay Merry Christmas to me! found out I was + in march after my fwb told me he had tested + I still talk and see this guy even though he has said some very hateful things to me over the last few months. but I do understand we are both dealing with a lot at this time so I'm ok with it somewhat now. My problem is I live in a really rural area . I'm thankful I got the treatment and meds almost right away after talking with a case worker. ( I do consider my self lucky after reading some of what y'all went through) My problem is I have tons of friends but none I can tell about my + status. I did tell a close family member which in returned told my whole family. Now some act like they are going to catch something from me. I just really truly need people in my area who is going through what I am there has to be groups around this area I just can't find anything. Oh I no longer work was approve for ssd in May Had other issues before I found out I was hiv including a scare of cancer of the lymph nodes. turns out this was the Hiv that had everything swollen. not sure why they didn't test for hiv while I was in hospital in Jan. with all this going on but they said I showed no risk factors. Well I didn't but he was bi and didn't tell me even after I asked him many times. Oh well to late now Please bear with me I have had every damn emotion a person can have in last few months and I really just want my life to go back to normal! tried of crying and being depressed it is not me!

I am compelled to respond to your post. I was diagnosed several months before I turned 50. That was 10 years ago.

And although I live in an urban area, over time, it has been this site where I've felt most connected to an HIV-positive community.

I'm not the support group type or I don't think I am. Early on, I got a lot of insight reading the posts of others here. Sorry to read that one of your family members was not discreet about you. That had to make you so angry and sting so deeply.

If you can swing it, I would strongly suggest that you attend one of the AM gatherings. It leaves a distinct and memorable impression to meet some of the people behind the words here.

It will read as rather silly to state to you that it gets better but in fact it does -- or can. While I have engaging work and family members who know of my diagnosis and treat me no differently than before--it's my visits to this site that are the tomato soup and cheese sandwich for my sometimes troubled mind.

You're on an obstacle course. And with a handle like 'initforlife' that indicates to me an admirable degree of spirit.

Don't be too hard on yourself as you go through the various emotions that are perfectly natural following a diagnosis of HIV. Sometimes for me it helps to take stock of what I have rather than what I don't have. So for example, you're in a rural setting and don't have the support group readily available. Envision being in rural South Africa or elsewhere where you may not have access to regular medications, fresh water and not a chance of having a caseworker.

Please understand, I'm not diminishing your angst or ache but giving you a technique to use in those darkest times.

Thanks y'all I really don't know why I'm having such a hard time these last few weeks so not like me. I never get down even after they told me I had hiv I was like ok what do we do now? I guess I have so much stuff bottled up and now that all my Dr. apts Have slow down. I have had way to much time to think about the what if's. anyone else do the what if's? I know it isn't going to change a thing , but I can't seem to get past those at times . My numbers were great last time 63 i'm not sure if it is UD I guess I don't even know what the guide lines are for UD and my cd4 count was great from the start so finding out early was very good. I know my fwb had the horrid lung infection which is how he found out. So all and all I should be happy every day but darn it sometimes I'm just not ! but today is a day!

its a whirlwind mind fuck right from the start. just when you need your game tight, your feet are pulled out. spinning and confused. its a hard trip, but it settles down, you're hardened from it. just look at all of this as part of the process. learning how to live with it, and be in control of it.