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Jim Gaffigan is the king of fat dad jokes (28 Photos)

“I’m getting fat … as I planned.
Luckily, my gut is intentional. I’m actually preparing for a big role.
Sure,it’s a cinnamon roll, but I want there to be room for it.”

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“Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.”

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“ Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor… and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved .”

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“I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.”

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“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they’ve never been to sleep before. “Bed? What’s that? No, I’m not doing that.” They never want to go to bed.”

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“I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ‘successful.”

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“I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom.”
Kid, “But I don’t have to.”
“Well, go anyway.”

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“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it, they’ll never admit it .”

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(for non-parents “cruise” is when 1-yr old babies first start walking)

“ They ‘cruise’ or hold themselves up with furniture in search of the hardest and sharpest surface to bang their head on .”

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“and the Three Bears: No one ever questions why the Papa Bear and Mama Bear slept in separate beds.
What was going on in that marriage? More backstory needed.”

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“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

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“Other people’s children’s birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.”

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“You are not only waking up sleep deprived, but now you are also sleep deprived and in charge of another human being.”

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“The nerds are rich and successful, and those jocks are dumb divorced guys with beer bellies. By the way, in high school, I also played football and, yes, I have a beer belly. Jeannie can’t divorce me. We are Catholic. Thank you, Jesus .”

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“Look, you lost a tooth. Congratulations. Enjoy looking like a hillbilly. Here’s a dollar.”

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(Parent joke, read book reference below)
“A three-year-old with insomnia is very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal. There is nothing that calms them. They can’t focus. You can’t tell them enough stories. They don’t understand why they are still awake four hours past their bedtime. This is commonly understood by all parents of three-year-olds and has inspired great works of literature, such as Go the F-ck to Sleep.”
Book ref:
“Go the F-ck to Sleep” by author Adam Mansbach reached #1 on Amazon.com’s bestseller list…a month before its release.

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“If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?”

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“Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I’ve just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster.
Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I’ve actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner.
It’s just so peaceful.”

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Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is, “When can I come back here?” It’s the carrot that keeps me motivated. Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars .”

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“Whenever I travel with my young children, I’m always reminded of an important travel lesson: Never travel with my young children .”

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“Once your baby starts to walk you’ll realize why cribs are designed like prisons from the early 1900s. This is clearly because toddlers are a danger to themselves. The main responsibility for a parent of a toddler is to stop them from accidentally hurting or killing themselves…”

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“…They are super-clumsy.
If you don’t believe me, watch a two-year-old girl attempt to walk up stairs in a long dress. It looks like a Carol Burnett sketch. Also, toddler judgment is horrible. They don’t have any. Put a twelve-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy .”

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“Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.”
AND
“ I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting : the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing .”

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