Miamians Burn Down Marlins Stadium to “Keep Warm”

Thousands of exultant Miamians threw gasoline and broken
furniture into Marlins Stadium, fueling an inferno that quickly enveloped the
arena. Flames leapt hundreds of feet into the cool night air through the
retracted roof, lighting the gleeful faces of children, adults, and elders
alike. The consensus among the revelers was that the city needed this communal
conflagration to stave off its unseasonably cold weather. It was 64 degrees.

Valeria Martinez was busy throwing a bookshelf into the
blaze when I asked what brought her to the stadium.

“Well, I was sitting at home and it was getting a little
chilly,” she explained, wiping her hands on her jeans. “And I figured I could
either put on a light sweater, or do something for the city. So, I brought my
old Ikea set out here to set on fire. Imagine my surprise when I saw everyone
else doing the same!”

There did not appear to be any centralizing force or call to
action that organized Miamians to join the arsonistic merriment. They simply
arrived on their own accord with flammable material in tow, and seemed happily
surprised to see so many of their neighbors shared their pyromaniacal objective.

Anthony Espinosa stood in the Marlins parking lot with his
husband and two children.

“We had a little bit of a drive up,” explained Espinosa.
“But it’s totally worth it to let kids partake.”

“Where’s home?” I asked.

“Naranja,” he replied.

“You drove half an hour to let your children set a stadium
on fire?”

“No,” he corrected me. “I drove half an hour to let me
children set THIS stadium on fire.”

An hour after the first embers were lit, a dozen fire
engines surrounded the engulfed building, but did nothing to put it out.

“Oh we’re just here to make sure none of the surrounding
buildings go up,” explained Lieutenant Deborah Briar, nonchalantly leaning
against the hood of her truck. “What are we supposed to do? Let everyone freeze
to death?”