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A Memo to the next Murdering Dorner

No doubt you’ve been following the breathless media swooning about Christopher Dorner and his Djangoistic, fight the power, murder spree and you’re wondering if you should take up arms against a sea of troubles and go off some bystanders. Before loading up your assault weapons, making suspiciously large purchases of plant food and diesel oil, or enrolling in flight, but not landing classes, I’d like to take a few moments of your busy pre-murder spree day and try to convince you to up your game. Let’s face it, walking into a kindergarten and shooting up a classroom of tiny nobodies, while undoubtedly good target practice, means nothing in the great sweep of history. Nobody, except the nobodies, cares about the death of nobodies. Sorry, I didn’t make the world; I just live here pointing out the absurdities. To seize the long-lasting historical notoriety, you so insanely crave, you have to eliminate people who matter. It sounds simple, but here’s the nasty truth: removing people who matter is hard and dangerous work. It requires talent, dedication, planning and foresight: qualities that pathetic psychopaths, like you, often lack.

Still not convinced? Let’s run a little “thought experiment.” A major lament of would be terminators, and just about everyone else on this planet, is that it seems absolutely impossible to fix utterly fixable problems. It doesn’t really matter what the problem is. How about peace in the Middle East? We’re constantly told that this is a big hard problem. What utter hogwash, formal group theory poses big hard problems; mathematicians wouldn’t even snort “trivial” when faced with a pedestrian and irritating nuisance like Middle Eastern peace. All that’s required is a few simple peace treaties, a routine exchange of Jewish and Muslim embassies, a state for the Palestinians and boom, instant peace. How about Korean unification? Same old, same old, a formal peace treaty followed by some judicious mine clearing and wire clipping. If the Germans can do it – so can the Koreans. On a domestic note: how about balancing the goddamn US federal budget? This barely rises to the level of “problem.” Any idiot familiar with addition and subtraction is capable of wielding the awesome technology required to match spending with income. So my poor homicidal friend what exactly is the problem?

If you guessed “people” give yourself a big hug. While it’s true these so-called difficult problems are, when stripped of bullshit, embarrassingly trivial, it’s also true that solving any one them would inconvenience certain people. If you’re a fat little Korean boy-king happily banging hotties in your Commie dynasty palace the prospects of being just a fat little boy banging, well nobody, lacks appeal. If you’re a corrupt Saudi prince-thing used to blaming conniving Zionists for all your screw-ups the lack of conniving Zionists would present difficulties. Similarly, how can you be expected to run for Congress, or the Presidency, without making expensive grandiose promises with other people’s money? One man’s intractable problem is another man’s livelihood.

Getting back to our thought experiment: suppose there was a limited supply of magic brain bombs. A magic brain bomb can beam into the skull of anyone, at anytime, anywhere on the planet. Once beamed in the brain bomb swells, inducing a bout of excruciating pain, and then explodes, thus ending the miserable life of its target, and because it’s magic, nobody can hide or escape from it. You can hunker down in your bunker, hide in a submarine under the ice, melt into the crowd, or surround yourself with a division of secret service agents; it won’t matter! The magic brain bomb will beam in and end you. Obviously, magic brain bombs are potent weapons. If some murderous nut, that’s where you come in, could get ahold of a thousand magic brain bombs many of our difficult problems could be blown away.

Let’s start with Middle Eastern peace. From a masked IP address open a new Twitter account, don’t use your real name, and send a few tweets demanding that Abdullah, Ahmadinejad, Morsi, Netanyahu and so on meet to establish diplomatic relations and negotiate a real Middle Eastern peace treaty. Make it clear that you will blow up their heads at the stroke of noon (UTC) on a particular day if they fail to comply. Don’t expect anyone to pay attention. Twitter is awash in impotent death threats. You cannot even take a sip of water on national TV without attracting them. Bide your time until the noted hour and then detonate your brain bombs. After they scrape the charred brain tissue off the walls of government offices in Riyadh, Tehran, Cairo, Jerusalem and elsewhere you’ll see a new attitude in the Middle East. It will be ugly at first. Clearly this is the work of the Jews, or the CIA, or Jews in the CIA, maybe those meddling Chinese Commies did it, perhaps black helicopters and UFOS were involved. Let the craziness subside then, from another place, and on another masked IP address, start a new Facebook account, again, don’t use your real name, and remind the new Middle Eastern rulers of their predecessors failure to meet and hammer out a peace treaty. Then, repeat your demand and warn your audience that you will blow up their heads at noon (UTC) on a particular day if they fail to comply. I’m guessing that by the time you’ve detonated less than a hundred brain bombs you’ll find an astonishing, hitherto unknown, willingness to compromise and live in the peace in the Middle East. It might take even fewer brain bombs to fix Korea and balance the goddamn US budget. Deleting the right people, in the right way, at the right time can work wonders.

Brain bombs in wise hands could turn shit hole Earth into something of an Eden. Unfortunately, this is just a thought experiment, even the CIA, or the Jews, or the Jewish aliens in the UFOS, don’t have magic freaking brain bombs! For the skeptically impaired: anything with magic in it is either a fraud or imaginary. Regardless of the existential status of magic brain bombs I think my point is clear. Killing nobodies is a waste of ammunition! To precipitate change we can believe in you need to go big! How big is entirely up to you. Here’s one last cautionary note. Going after hard targets is not like waltzing into gun free zones and opening fire. The people most in need of brain bombs are surrounded by others that shoot back. You’re probably going to die taking down a king, but you were going to die taking down a Burger King, so you might as well up your game and make a difference. Do it for the children! The only question is; are you psycho enough for the job?