I rate every animal

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My copy of the Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals calls the sea anemone “the best known of the so-called ‘flower animals.’” For several reasons, I’m finding it difficult to disagree with this assertion.

The sea anemone is the roommate of our old friend the clownfish. They like to think they make quite a wacky pairing, but their self-perceived zaniness far outweighs their actual zaniness. That said, they do keep a peppy bass beat on in the background when they’re both home and the sea anemone’s mouth and anus are one and the same, so they’re not entirely unzany.

Special powers

Its sharp wit.

Weaknesses

The sea anemone has no skeleton, which means it will never know the pleasure of drinking milk to give itself strong bones.

I’ve got strong bones, anemone, and you don’t. You got nothing on these bones.

It also suffers from low mobility and abysmal hustle.

Number of legs

No legs, but lots of tentacles.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says

“Also, there is a picture whose caption indicates two anemones are in ‘clone war’ but there is no description of what ‘clone war’ is, or maybe its vandalism, but I dont know enough.”

Indeed, years ago, the sea anemone served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs it to help him in his struggle against the Empire.

Varieties

The sea anemone comes in more flavors than jelly beans. These include:

Venus flytrap sea anemone:

Does what it says on the box.

Banded tube-dwelling anemone:

A nightmare spider-squid.

Magnificent sea anemone:

Very full of itself. Was invented by Lewis Carroll.

Jewel anemone:

The most poetic of the anemones, and a militant freegan.

Pale anemone:

And I looked, and behold a pale anemone: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

Snakelocks anemone:

One of Harry Potter’s most fiendish nemeses.

Hidden anemone:

One of the most elusive animals known.

Is it a good roommate?

Yes.

What if it fought a bear?

Being outside the water might kill it before the bear could.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I deduct six points for the pale anemone inevitably ushering in the apocalypse. But hey, good for it for cleaning its own dishes.

After I confirmed that the vampire bat is in fact a dracula, you may now wonder whether the Gila monster is truly a monster.

What is that thing?

The truth is that’s a ridiculous question. There is no difference between animals and monsters, except how society sees them. Now don’t you feel bigoted?[1]

Special powers

Should the Gila monster offer to lick you, do NOT fall for it! It’s not an innocent gesture of friendship; it’s a trap. You see, the Gila monster is venomous.

I know you’re probably upset at it for trying to trick you, but do NOT kill it, not even in a duel on the field of honor. The Gila monster is protected from harm by diplomatic immunity.

Weaknesses

The Gila monster is incredibly slow-moving. If you say “Heads up,” by the time the Gila monster looks up, the frisbee you were warning it about has already hit it right in the nards.

It spends a vast majority of its time underground, because it is a “doomsday prepper.” The Gila monster has many paranoid theories for what will end the world, but it is confident that whatever it is will happen within its lifetime and be preventable by having a bunker obsessively well-stocked with Kraft Cheese and Macaroni.

Number of legs

Four.

Notable accomplishments

It invented taquitos, also known as “flautas.”

The Gila monster’s crowning achievement.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“My daughter says that the gilamonster does not defecate; she says it instead uses this as poison. Can this be true?”

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says Without Anyone Prompting It

“color: they are black and orange”

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming it is not the giant Gila monster, the bear would break it like a Kit-Kat before the monster could even notice the frisbees hitting them both in the nards.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The Gila monster is a sluggish crackpot that abuses its diplomatic immunity to run drug rings.[2] On the other hand, taquitos are delicious.

3.5/10

[1]I mean, take a look at the scorpion and then tell me the monster-animal distinction is meaningful.

The dog doesn’t make a lick of sense… Double Dare hosted by Marc Summers… we have to find Habib Marwan… tossed salad and scrambled eggs… “I’ll break your legs!”… Is it noble?

WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR DOG REVIEW ALREADY IN PROGRESS…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Breeds

The dog is one of the most diverse of all animals. There are many, many breeds, and each of them is very distinct. Let me just run down some of the highlights.

Saint Bernard: We begin with the Saint Bernard[1]. This dog specializes in rescuing mountain-climbers in the Alps and being an alcoholic. It’s rarely seen in public without a small flask of brandy around its neck. Notable Saint Bernards include Cujo the criminally insane and Ludwig van Beethoven, the composer.

Whippet: This breed was so loved by Devo co-founder Mark Mothersbaugh that he penned a song about it, titled “Jocko Homo.” It is best known today for its refrain “Are we not men? / No, we are beautiful dogs.”

Labradoodle: The labradoodle is a chimera. It pretends not to breathe fire, but it’s just an act to make humanity less uncomfortable with its existence.

Irish wolfhound: If you see this huge breed in the wild, trace its steps back to the rainbow from which it originated and you will be granted a wish, as long as your wish falls within the category of “potatoes and potato-based products.”

Golden receiver: The breed of Air Bud and all Air Buddies, this dog is gifted with incredible athletic prowess. A loophole in the U.S. constitution allowed it to serve as the 35thvice president from 1949 to 1953.[2] “Air” Force One was named in its honor.

Boxer: It was just a nobody until it took a shot and challenged Apollo Creed.

A true American hero.

Doberman pinscher: This dog was developed by German scientists to be the ultimate “uberhund” or “super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs would dare challenge its iron-pawed rule.

Miniature pinscher: This small dog was developed by little German scientists to be the ultimate little “kleinuberhund” or “wee super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs (tiny category) would dare challenge its itty-bitty iron-pawed rule.

Newfoundland: A country.

Chihuahua: The chihuahua must weigh in at six pounds or less to meet its breed standards. However, it also craves the delicious “Mexican” delights peddled by Taco Bell every Fourthmeal, like clockwork. Like the work of a fat, Dorito-dust-covered clock. This inherent dichotomy leads to widespread bulimia among the chihuahua’s ranks.

Bloodhound: Taking the dog’s special power of keen sense of smell to new heights, the bloodhound can track the vaguest hint of a trail for miles. It also possesses deeper, subtler reserves of hate than any of its canine brothers.

Kromfohrländer: The canine harbinger of Ragnarök, the events which will kill the gods and drown the world in water.

Redbone coonhound: The greatest bluesmusician of all breeds, Redbone tragically died of a heroin overdose just four years and seventeen albums into its career.

Great Dane: The Great Dane is a massive beast of a dog. It counts among its number Marmaduke, who is literally a beast – of Hell; Astro and Scooby-Doo, the most eloquent of all dogs (not that that’s saying much); and Claire Danes, who – haunted by the ghost of her father the king – murdered Claudius.

Lesser Dane: Like the Great Dane, but less so.

Sucky Dane: A real bummer of a dog. A total schlemiel. Notable Sucky Danes include Marmaserf and Scooby-Poo.

Bull terrier: Though it was originally designed by H. R. Giger not to have any eyes at all, they were added to the bull terrier’s face when initial test screenings yielded questionnaires which frequently used the words “nightmare” and “hellborn.”

Lassie dog: The kind of dog Lassie is.

German Shepherd: The policeman of the dog world, and the police dog of man’s world. The German shepherd takes extremely well to advanced training in order to arrest suspects, search for drugs, defuse bombs, and test for semen at the crime scene. The only catch is that to instruct it, a trainer must learn a perhaps uncomfortable number of phrases from Mein Kampf.

Austrian Stockbroker: Kind of like the German shepherd, but less good with sheep and criminals and better with numbers. Arnold Schwarzenegger has owned three Austrian stockbrokers, each stronger than the last.

Papillon: Steve McQueen’s brain was cloned into a butterfly, and mankind mistook it for a dog.

Bulldog: Completely separate from both the bull terrier, unrelated to the bull, and even distinct from the fidominotaur[3], the bulldog is just a stocky, wrinkly straight-up canine with a wicked underbite and a wickeder distrust of dental surgery. It snores.

Caucasian shepherd dog: A racist.

Pharaoh hound: The pharaoh hound can be recognized by the tattered ancient bandages trailing from it, its glowing yellow eyes, and the cortege of scarabs attending to it. Petting it is the Number 3 way of getting cursed in the world today.[4]

Dalmatian: Most firefighters won’t admit this if you ask them, but the dalmatian is the only one who knows how to drive the fire engine. Many departments keep an extra one on hand just to ride in the back so people won’t think to look for the one in the driver’s seat. But it’s there.

Weiner dog: The best dog of all, according to God’s message left on the golden plates found by Joseph Smith. Which, I mean, believe what you want, but come on. Better than the corgi?

Look at this mother f***er.

Final rating

Even with the extended length afforded me by this two-part extravaganza, I still haven’t had space to cover all the many facets of the dog. With this much diversity, there’s something for every one. It is truly a great animal, albeit kind of a clingy one.

There are many bugs in this world. Too many, one could say. But none are as paranoid as the cockroach. There has been confusion about this, but the cockroach itself is not particularly resistant to radiation. The expansive, well-stocked bunker it’s building is.

Special powers

The cockroach does not have the antennae of other insects, but it compensates with an incredible mustache.

Not pictured: Monocle, twirling.

Weaknesses

Everyone who meets it hates it. As a result, its friend circle is extremely limited.

It loves to frequent Internet comment sections, but is completely reliant on others’ Wi-fi. If you find the cockroach in your own home uninvited, you may need to better protect your network.

Number of legs

Six.

What does it do?

The cockroach spends most of its time working on its doomsday preparations, taking the odd break to go to someone’s apartment or Starbucks or the public library to ask YouTube whatever happened to good music and tell Yahoo! how mad it is that it just read whatever article it just read.

“Back in the day, Hey Arnold was on TV. In 2012, we are all doomed to post-apocalyptic race wars! Share this post if you love America. Only 1 in 3 people can read this.”

After the sun goes down is when the cockroach really gets active. As night falls, it goes out into the world to feed on the dead flesh of fallen animals and fallen fruits. The cockroach detests light. The exception is the Asian cockroach, which is attracted to it, but only “ironically.”

What if it fought a bear?

The cockroach’s only hope is to escape back to its bear-resistant compound.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Despite the similar name and shared insect nature, the cockroach is certainly no cockchafer. It’s barely even Papa Roach. Yeah, its crazy bunker is actually kind of impressive, but for me to join it there, it would have to be my… LAST RESORT.

One of the great mysteries of the animal kingdom is the dodo. It has been extinct for years, but we have learned about it through a number of clues left for future generations by the dodo before its death. Its legacy lives on in the elaborate coded prophecies and treasure locations it hid around the globe.

“Hello! My wings are dumb and useless.”

In mid-2010, best-selling author Dan Brown and noted immortal Nicolas Cage teamed up to follow the trail of the dodo and uncover its secrets about 2012, the end-times, the location of the dodo’s gold bullion, the result of Super Bowl XVIII (less useful now that it would have been if Cage had started his search a few decades earlier), and an incredibly detailed description of Jonathan Lipnicki.*

Cage had to abandon the quest to begin principal photography on Season of the Witch. Brown continued to decode, until he finally came to a message that did not seem to lead to another clue. The final message? The number 58008. You’ll find it written all over the padded walls of Brown’s room if you visit him today. Careful, though; Danny bites.

Special powers

It would appear that the dodo had foreknowledge of its own demise, as well as a number of future events.

Weaknesses

Dead.

Number of legs

Two.

Wealth

The dodo came into a vast fortune of gold bullion after betraying its captain and its crew.

How was it remembered?

The dodo’s funeral was by the numbers smaller than Princess Diana’s or John F. Kennedy’s or Michael Jackson’s or the David Hasselhoff roast, but when you adjust for inflation, it becomes the most highly attended of them all.

What if it fought a bear?

It’s already dead, bear. Leave it alone.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dodo was a devious backstabber, but it was also knowledgeable in many legitimate areas of expertise. Now it’s dead.

Hmm. This worries me. I see a bit of myself in the dodo. And I don’t like it.

If you’ll excuse me, I have some Krugerrands to move around.

5.5/10

*Or “He Who Will Come.” The dodo’s plot synopsis of The Little Vampireis spot-on, but its review is weirdly glowing.