Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I'm about at the end of my rope...

…and tying a knot to hang on isn't going very well. I'm feeling intense pressure and anxiety from all sides, and something's got to give. I'm just really afraid of how that's going to happen.

On the work front: A year ago, I got a new boss. She can be great, but she can cause a pressure cooker as well. Back in December, she had us (meaning, our little staff of two) create the calendar for 2014. ALL of 2014. It's socked in. One project on top of another, plus the daily work and all of its unexpected Whack-a-Mole qualities. This time of year is particularly hard on me, as everyone sees me as the point person. That means I catch all of the questions, frustrations, and abuse they feel like doling out.

You know what I realized isn't on that calendar? Time off for me. My coworker has slated her weeks off, but we can't be gone at the same time. That's my bad move, to have not gotten on the calendar first. I'm going to have to revisit that.

On the personal front: Jacob and I had a huge argument a few days ago. Huge. When it started, I was surprised it escalated. I learned that his new girlfriend is moving in. The last I'd heard was that she didn't want us spending much time together and she didn't want to be around me. Ergo, this would mean I was no longer welcome at his home, where he said I'd always be welcome.

This was what upset me. "I'm being cut out of your life" looked like the crux of the matter from my perspective. That was the wrong thing to say because he blew a gasket. It escalated quickly. Once again, all I needed was to understand. Instead, we both said things that hurt.

I have to admit, it's a rage-fogged blur to me. I remember doubting his honesty in his relationship, and saying that nothing can be taken that he doesn't give away (but I didn't say it so nicely). He said the reason I'm in my situation (which I took to mean "alone") is because of how I argue. And other things were said that I'd rather not think about just now.

I apologized for what I said. I spoke out of being hurt and wanted to hurt back. I promised to not question my place in his life or his efforts to keep me there, anymore. I have noticed that he hasn't apologized, which I suppose means he probably meant what he said. I don't know for sure, and hate to guess on something like that. I'm not mad about it, just sad that he seems to feel that way.

It was just a few days before that we had a beautiful conversation about how we feel now. Felt? Among other things, we said we were sorry things had worked out the way they had. We were happy to be best friends at that point, but the argument did us a lot of damage. Again, I'm not angry. Just sad.

In hindsight, what would have headed it off would have been knowing that his girlfriend's perspective on me and our friendship had changed. Apparently, it had, but I had no idea. She was willing to work with me, apparently, and I was still willing to work with her. But I reacted without knowing any of that.

Perhaps I should have asked what the change would mean for us, instead of making my own deductions? In everything that's ever come up with Jacob - learning about his feminine persona, his desire to do porn, possibly losing his house, a new job, etc. - that question has been my bottom line: "How does this effect us? What do I do now?" But that might be a moot point. I've made overtures to repair things, but I don't know if he'll meet me halfway yet.

I'm watching and waiting to see what my place is. What I'm looking at is losing the one person in my life who understands me, who I can say anything to, and they'll "get" it. That's more than I can stand, but I don't know if it really matters to anyone but me, right now.

You know what makes this impact a little harder? This would my "On the spiritual front," as well. On the way to his house, I prayed for us to have a good evening. A nice night to remember. The operative word here was "nice." A hope for a strengthening of friendship, based on the previous week's changes. Instead, this is what happened. To say my faith is dented is quite an understatement. Again, the universe seems to like to give me a good smacking.

On the family front: My son is having a crisis, but I'm not sure he realizes how bad it is. He brought a girlfriend with him when he moved home again. She's a tough one, and they have a volatile relationship. The fights are escalating in violence, with her throwing things and shoving him. This last time, she took to throwing herself against him and shoving away, then yelling, "Stop pushing me!" Fortunately, witnesses were there to say he wasn't hurting her. He became so enraged he was harming himself. When it's all over, he blames himself and says it's all his fault. He allows her to browbeat him verbally. Something has to change. She needs to go back home, so he can find some perspective and realize he deserves better, that this is no life to lead. I'm afraid for him right now.

On the dating front: It's dating. I had a good date the other night. Nice fella, but with a couple of issues that I need to think about before I write about them. I have an open invitation for a wild time in Denver, and another for a relaxing weekend in a nearby town. I'm trying to figure out how to have it all.