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This week's news roundup is dedicated to the fall holiday which most
closely coincides with the date I am posting it. I will not say what
this holiday is (to do so would be a blatant and desperate ploy for
increased incidental readership), but it's a pretty decent one based on
the idea of kids eating a bunch of garbage they got for free by begging
while dressed like idiots. I respect this holiday so much in fact, that
I've decided to post only news stories relating to it this week in
celebration of it.

Well, either that, or I''ll put in a bunch of unrelated crap somewhat
related to Christianity. (Also I have permanently changed the title of
this series to "Weird News" because I kept forgetting how to spell
"Bizarre" and it is harder to type.)

I
just realized I don't have many pictures of black people or asians on
this website. I apologize for this, but you have to understand that the
internet's dumb/weird photo database is way skewed towards
whiteys. But whatever, no big deal. Here are a bunch of black and asian people.

We now live in the future. And oh what a terrifying future it is. Each
day, wretched fearful shells of what were once men file like like
drones into colonies of steel and glass to perform menial tasks for
petty men with shriveled black hearts. Screaming beasts hurtle
terrified passengers through the clouds, fueled by naught but fumes and
flame. And small children gad through rubbish-heaped streets in the
regalia of vagabonds and harlots. Such things are not godly, and should
be expunged from the public consciousness.In service of this, I offer
to you this tincture of news and information; a smorgasbord of wondrous
stories, intriguing premises, and other ephemera from across the
mechanosphere. I certainly hope that you

What follows is a list of ridiculous and puzzling titles given to various Episodes of The Jerry Springer Show. NOTICE:
I do not watch (nor do I advocate the watching of) Jerry Springer. I
only feel that it is my duty as an American Citizen to create lists of
television show titles as a sort of preservatorial archive in order to
assure that that they are available to future generations of people who
might want to disinterestedly peruse a list of mildly entertaining
Jerry Springer show titles.

Hypochondriacs
are people who worry excessively about contracting an illness. Upon
experiencing the slightest physical discomfort, they will often
overreact, becoming absolutely convinced that they have some kind of
serious disease. I am one of these people. For example, If I were to
get an abnormally bad headache, I would not think "Man, this headache
is worse than usual!" I would think "This headache is caused by a
monstrous brain tumor. I will die in 3 weeks." and immediately begin
hyperventilating while scrawling out a makeshift will on a restaurant
napkin.

Many things can happen in a week. So many news stories come out. Who has the time to read them? Nobody that's who. It'd be too hard to keep track of them all. Luckily you have me. Every week I find all the best news stories and then put them here for all to see. You are lucky to have found this.

The
design of the American flag needs a reboot, and I'm just the one to do
it. What are my qualifications you ask? Well: I live in America, I pay
most of the taxes I'm supposed to, and although I don't vote, I
appreciate the sentiment behind it.

See, since I CRITICIZED THE DESIGN of
the flag without offering any alternatives. That isn't right. So I feel it'd be nice of
me to come up with a flag which I feel better embodies the spirit of
this country as it exists today.

There's no need to thank me; being of service to my country is all the thanks I need.

Hello
my friend and how are you today! My name is Bazul Najjar and I am from
the
great nation of United Arab Emerate! What am I here to talk about today
you are ask! Well I am glad you have asked this! I have the answer! I
am here because I have got man electronic mails from citizen of United
State saying things I don't understand.

From place like Arkansas, from
place like North Carolina, from place like Alabamas. Many letters.
These things I will not repeat but they are not nice. These things
mostly come from the south (bottoms) part of United State and have
problem with my people.

But wait! I am here today
to tell you that you people in bottom United State and us in United
Arab Emerate are not so different at all! We have many similars to you
and could be brothers. I will tell you the truth about why we are the
same, so please to listen....

Oh
my god. What is wrong with you people? Why on earth are you purchasing
all those homeopathic remedies? Stop wasting your money on homeopathy!
It’s really starting to get on my nerves!

Hey! I saw
you sneaking those homeopathic remedies in next to the real pills;
don't think I didn’t notice that! That doesn’t BELONG there. That isn’t
MEDICINE. Get rid of it! Put it in the zen health food store, or the
yoga foundry, or the new-age bakery, or wherever it is you people go
these days. Maybe Whole foods. Yeah. Take that shit out behind a Whole
Foods and dump it. I want the alley behind that store to look like the
Salvation Army! And the next time I'm in a pharmacy I had better not see
anymore bottles of Zicam next to the NasalCrom. If I do, I’m going
to go ape. I mean it. I will tear that store apart. Now if you'll
excuse me, I've got an article about homeopathy to write poorly.

I
am getting really tired of seeing the American flag. There are too many of them around. I don't even understand the point of it. We all know where we live. Everyone around here does. I bet a lot of people are probably getting tired of seeing it.

It's
like when a celebrity appears in too many movies consecutively and
everyone starts to hate them. It doesn't matter how great they are, or
whether the movies were any good, after a while you just don't want to
see or hear anything else about them ever again. That's kind of how I
feel about the American flag right about now. I guess the American flag
has become my Will Ferrel. But hey, let's get a little more in-depth
about why the flag blows.