Another year, another wholesome Conservative Political Action Conference. In addition to hearing white rappers drop N-bombs and Ann Coulter talk about how "all real females are conservatives," CPAC attendees were treated to a lesson from pickup artist Juggler. You know, the one who isn't Mystery.

WASHINGTON, D.C.— There must be some kind of perfect rallying cry for a giant ballroom full of…
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Talking Points Memo has a lot of the pertinent information from the session, which is pretty much what you'd expect from any bottom-feeder who identifies himself as a "pickup artist."

Most guys fall into the category of not being sexual enough, so that girls will easily see them as friend material and the guys have a hard time getting out of that. I think one of my ideas that connects to conservatives is that it's OK to wait but you definitely want to show the person you're sexual and sensual.

Yeah, let those Ann Coulter conservatives know you want to stick it in — without a condom or the option of terminating the pregnancy if it comes to that. In fact, there seem to be a lot of similarities between the way Juggler feels about the opposite sex and the way ultraconservatives treat women.

Try to outlaw questions. Say "I'm not going to do any questions, I'm going to make statements." Why? Because statements say something about you.

I agree — statements like "I'm not going to do any questions" tell the world that you're an asshole. But hey, at least your dates know what they're in for? I'm actually kind of impressed, because I didn't think there could be anything worse than a pickup artist: a pickup artist preaching the art of talking down to women to a group of horny conservatives is an exciting new low.

But for those CPAC attendees who just couldn't wait, there were other outlets. HyperVocal posted a delightful list of 10 CPAC conservatives trolling for discreet gay encounters on Craigslist. Did they learn nothing from Juggler? I mean, how desperate must a decent conservative man be to post, "horny guy but wanna be discreet fooling around and i bet if youre here for cpac you need to be too"?

Sorry, I'm not supposed to ask questions — I'm supposed to make statements. Here are some. The idea that you have to manipulate women into sleeping with you is a horrifying distortion of how dating works, and I hope any CPAC attendees using Juggler's techniques get a few drinks thrown in their faces. And as for the DL gays, using words like "patriot" and "straight-acting" doesn't make you any less interested in getting bent over and reamed by a dude. Too bad these are mostly "oral only" ads: I know many CPAC conservatives would love to see a resurgence of santorum.