God;Yesterday, I confessed my anger towards You. I yelled, I cried, I begged for You; To feel You. I was already aware that my feelings were ignorant and shameful; Which is why it had taken me so long to even acknowledge.

This morning; My basement flooded with backed up sewage.This evening; My grandma is having emergency surgery, and her only functioning kidney is currently failing.

God, I am sorry for being angry with you. I'm not sorry for confessing so; I feel in my heart, it was what I was supposed to do. I regret yelling though. I sometimes cannot perceive the ability to control my vocal tone throughout surges of emotion.

I feel like you're punishing me for being mad now.Please don't punish my grandma too. Keep her from suffering. She deserves Your greatest mercy.I don't.Help me understand what to do next time I feel angry at You. I know it's foolish and blind.Is it not equally ignorant to attempt to curtain this from You?I try to stay bare to You,I try to remember that it's only self deception to believe I could hide from You.I'm confused.

Help me please; I am so upset for so many petty reasons which I haven't been able to let go of. I don't want to be mad. I am mad for being mad, and that only adds to the pile. Forgive me please; I don't want to dishonor you with my petty anger.-----Worry and despair is so draining OMG. I just wish for a beacon of hope. I miss hope.

I am familiar with the psychological concept of transference, and can say with certainty; It is what I have been doing somehow with DBlue. I even said it once before; Exertion. He is my concept of exertion. The fruit of my fantasy. Also, he was a light, a reason to believe, and proof that hoping isn't of ignorance. I try not to indulge in him as a product of my transference; I only indulge in determining the nature of this in myself: What it all means, and why I did this to myself. It's torture.It's torture...I know I wanted to find the nature and source of desire; Namely, whether I had any sense of sexuality, or if sex is just something I would put up with because it is required of me to legitimately cultivate love. I do have a sexuality; I crave him sexually, and separately from love.Now that quandary is taken care of; I no longer am at odds with this. The next dilemma to confront is; Courage. I am stuck on him, because; First off, I spent so much of myself expounding on this interest, and also; I haven't gone out into the world. I've stayed locked up safe in my skyless fortress where no one could dream of reaching me; Of meeting me. I have absolutely no hope of cultivating a similar admiration for anyone in the world if I keep on this pattern. Learning of my sexuality does not do anything to solve the avoidance which I approach the world with. It's silly of me to be so afraid of getting hurt when this, here; Now, is killing me.Something about being my own worst enemy. comforts me.Another thing I'm terrified of, and don't have to confront while I remain hung up on DBlue is; What if I still don't enjoy sex, physically? What if I'm still not enough for someone to love? I relish the aspect of giving, it thrills me to see the person I love, in pleasure. But what about when my love wants to pleasure me? This was a major issue with Vixen.This aspect of the ordeal escalates it from a simple case of transference, and puts it in the category of escapism. Habitual escapism. This behavior that once conciliated my spirit's survival, now keeps me from fully living. I need to admit it so that I can start to bounce new ideas around on how I'd like to deal with things.