I
dropped by four large universities last week—University of
Lethbridge, University at Albany, University of Maryland,
and University of Alaska-Anchorage—to do “Savage Love Live,”
the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice column.
I enjoyed visiting all four campuses and, as ever, learned
a few things out on the road. (Brinking? Who knew?)

People submit questions—the ones they don’t want to be seen
asking—on three-by-five-inch cards at the events. Sadly, I
couldn’t get to everyone’s questions at the U’s of L, NY-A,
M, and A-A. Here are answers to some of the questions I missed.

At what point in a relationship is it “safe” to have
an open relationship?

There’s no standard gestation period for an open relationship,
no set period of time that you have to spend in the exclusivity
pod. In my experience, however, the most successful open relationships
I’ve witnessed—with “success” here defined as “long-lasting,”
which is kind of arbitrary (can we all get behind the idea
that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?)—were
sexually exclusive for at least a year, sometimes longer,
at the outset.

Dr. Drew isn’t a homophobe. He’s an asshole-o-phobe—and
a BDSM-o-phobe, a premarital-sex-o-phobe, a three-way-o-phobe,
etc. Basically, when it comes to human sexuality, there’s
not a lot of daylight between Dr. Drew and Pope Benedict XVI.
And I’ll let you in on a little secret: Odds are good that
your ass is going to leak when you’re old, anyway—I’ll betcha
the pope’s ass is leaking all over the throne of St. Peter
right now—so you might as well enjoy it while you can.

I’m a 24-year-old male who has been out for 11 years.
I’ve been into this guy “Joe” for several years, but I always
assumed he was out of my league. We recently started hooking
up. I’m totally into him, and it’s amazing. But for some reason,
I can’t stay hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Do I
have ED? I have no health insurance and am not sure what to
do.

If you’re not having trouble keeping it up when you’re
alone, and you didn’t have trouble keeping it up with other
guys, you’re probably just nervous. You like this guy, he’s
way hot, the stakes are high, and a little routine performance
anxiety is chasing away your boners. If Joe is continuing
to hook up with you despite your inability to keep it up for
him, well, then he’s not only a hot dude but a patient one
as well—and a dude who’s into you, too. So take a deep breath,
try to relax, and enjoy.

How do you become a nationally syndicated sex-advice
columnist?

I’m not telling. Because one sure way to stop being a nationally
syndicated sex-advice columnist is to create a lot of competitors.

When Sue Johanson was here, she spoke against trying
anal sex, due to damages, etc. What would you tell people?

I would tell people to refrain from fucking Sue Johanson
in the ass—and please don’t fuck Dr. Drew’s ass, either. They
both seem as terrified of anal sex as they are ignorant about
it—and tense, inept people can hurt themselves engaging in
anal sex. And if their asses start to leak in old age, I don’t
want either of them to be able to pin the blame on anal sex.

We are a couple in a long-term committed relationship
and have casually considered the possibility of a three-way.
It would have to be with someone neither of us knew (or saw)
to reduce any chance of an emotional attachment. Good idea?

Three-ways with complete strangers are kind of difficult
to arrange—unless you’re willing to go the rent-a-third route.
But if you want to have a three-way with someone trustworthy
and safe, you’re better off doing it with an acquaintance
or an ex.

When did you first realize you were LGBTQ, and how did
people react to that? Did you struggle to find support?

I didn’t realize I was L, B, T, and Q until I arrived in
Albany. And I’m not sure how friends and family are going
to react to my recently discovered lesbianism, bisexuality,
impending transition, and questioning status—question: now
that I’m LGB and T what outstanding Qs could there be?—but
I expect they will be supportive. Just as confused as I am,
but nevertheless supportive.

Did Sarah Palin ever get back to you about your offer
to be her gay friend?

No, she didn’t—but the offer is still on the table. I’m
here for you, Sarah.

Please assign new salacious definitions to the following
terms, which are near and dear to the hearts of UM students:
“Cornerstone,” “Fear the Turtle,” and “Diamondbacking.”

Cornerstone: When you get high in order to break through
a sexual inhibition—like when pot helps you “turn a corner”
sexually. “Sue wanted to peg her boyfriend Drew, but he just
couldn’t do it until he got cornerstoned.”

Fear the Turtle: What a woman experiences when she realizes
halfway through vaginal intercourse that her bowels are full
and her enjoyment of the sex has been superseded by her fear
of crapping the bed. “Sue had to ask Drew to stop fucking
her because she feared the turtle. She got on the can for
a minute, then hopped back in bed, and no longer feared the
turtle.”

Diamondbacking: Consenting to anal sex in the hopes that doing
so will inspire a boyfriend to propose. “Sue knew that Drew
was totally into anal sex, so she let him diamondback her.
Now they’re engaged.”

I’m a lesbian, and my girlfriend is bisexual and wants
to have a three-way with a man. This makes me nervous. What
should I do?

Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or get yourself
an actual lesbian girlfriend.

If she hasn’t orgasmed yet, will she ever?

Yes, but probably with someone else.

Thanks again to all four universities for bringing my skanky
ass to their campuses last week. My primary mission when I
do these events, of course, is to undo in an evening the damage
done by abstinence educators over the course of many years.
But the events are always a blast. If you want me to come
to your school, get in touch with Keppler Speakers at savagelove@kepplerspeakers.com.
I’m looking forward to my upcoming gigs at Liberty University,
Brigham Young University, and University of Notre Dame.

Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.