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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Warning: This blog contains scenes that some viewers may find disturbing. Intended for mature audiences only.

The Talk. How many of you have had The Talk with your kids? I've got two kids in high school and one going into junior high now. Obviously, I've had a few talks. I'm lucky though. My kids' school does the whole birds and the bees talk in fifth grade. I have to admit that I pretty much let the school handle telling my kids the basics. When they came home, thoroughly grossed out by the lesson at school, I stepped up to the plate and played the part of the involved, concerned parent very well. I believe my exact words were, "DoYouHaveAnyQuestionsAboutWhatYouLearnedToday?No?Good!Dinner'sReady!" Yep, I said it all together like that. You know why? So they couldn't actually ask me any questions!

The best part was when Austin was in fifth and took the special fifth grade field trip to the health museum for The Talk, I was nine months pregnant with Brooklyn. I can still remember the look on his face when he got home and eyed my bulging belly. It was a total, "Ewwww! I know what you did! Gross!" look. Because no one wants to think about their parents doing, um, things that made them parents in the first place.

I admit, I really tried to avoid the whole subject with my first two kids. I mean, I let them know that I was there to answer questions, but I was really never comfortable bringing up the subject. Poor Austin and Savannah. They're like my trial kids. I try stuff on them and see if it works. I screw up on them and then learn and do better with the next set of kids. I'm doing much better with talking to my oldest four kids now. It doesn't phase me much anymore. I talk frankly with them because I totally believe that's a huge key to raising happy, confident, responsible kids. I want my kids to be able to come to me with questions and get honest, non-annoying-parent answers. I want to continually reinforce what behavior I expect of them and why. I'm praying they turn out to be well-adjusted, happy, charitible, kind, responsible, productive members of society. Anyway, you'd think that I'd continue to learn and improve and that I'd do a stellar job on the last set of kids. I mean, after practicing and perfecting my skills on the first four, how could I be anything less than awesome with the last two kids? But nope. Actually, I think I employ the "I'm Too Tired and Worn Down to Care Anymore" method with the last two. For example,"Hey Mom, can I have Cheetos and sugar for dinner?""Sure. Whatever. Enjoy."That's how the "I'm Too Tired and Worn Down to Care Anymore" method works.

Which might explain the following scene. I was giving Clay and Brooklyn a bath tonight because Austin had a baseball game this evening. Baseball game = playing in the sand until their skin is the color of orange chalk. So, I threw them in the tub and washed their hair. I handed Brooklyn a washcloth and told her to wash her tummy and arms while I rinsed Clay's hair. Brooklyn washed her tummy and moved to her private area. She announced, "I have to wash my noodle!"

Clay looked at her like she was stupid and said, in the exasperated tone of a parent talking to a simple-minded child (or of a brother talking to his little sister), "You don't have a noodle, Brooklyn! Only boys have noodles," he stated confidently.

"Oh," she replied. Then what do I have?"

Without missing a beat, he informed her in his all-knowing way, "You have a Chinese recipe, Brooklyn."

I may have peed a little from laughing so hard. "A Chinese recipe??? Where on earth did you come up with that, Clayton?"

"That's what it is," he instructed me because obviously I had no clue about these things.

"I see. Okay, it's a Chinese recipe," I agreed. No need to start calling body parts by their real names, thankyouverymuch. Chinese recipes and noodles work just fine. And when a man's noodle comes together with a woman's Chinese recipe, you get lo mein. Poor Clayton and Brooklyn are going to have a hard time when they get to the fifth grade.

34 comments:

LMAO!!! I'm totally calling my girl bits a fortune cookie now. I remember going to that same health museum for 'the talk' section of health class. My dad was a single parent and I was MORTIFIED that he might ask me if I had any questions after I got home. These kids really come up with some hilarious stuff & you just wonder where it comes from. Thank God for the laughter they provide.

HAHAHAHA!!!!! I love reading your posts in the morning. I tend to wake everyone up with my bursts of laughter. :) I have been wondering when to have "the talk" with my son, and this totally helped me with the time line. He is going into 5th grade and my SIL is preggers, so this will be the year. Lucky daddy. ;)

Dawn! You outdid yourself on today's column. Hopefully, you are saving up these really brilliant,funny and touching pieces for an inclusion in your COLLECTION of yet to be publishedwritings (You ARE planning another BOOK..Hmmm?)

You are to be commended for keeping your household together and thriving. Your kiddies will ALL grow up to be well-adjusted and productive citizens (wile you ,eventually, can then just toss yourself into one of those neat Sharper Image MASSAGE CHAIRS and enjoy the rest of the JUST!)Best wishes ALWAYS..

Glad to know I'm not the only parent left who doesn't use the "proper" names for private parts. My daughter (age 3) recently started calling hers her pretzel. Um, OK? I didn't ask, but I'm running with it...

Ha ha you have made my day - I have had an absolutely cruddy evening (nothing getting a shovel hitting someone over the head with then using same shovel to dig a hole and bury him wouldn't cure) and now I am giggling and smiling to myself here - thanks for sharing

Love the names kids come up with on their own! My cousin has 2 boys. When the first one discovered his boy bits, he promply called it his tail. And she didn't disagree with him. She is a teacher and when she told her other teacher friend who also had a boy, the friend told her she was so wrong for not telling him the proper name. That is untill the friends son shouted out in Wal-Mart "Mom you hurt my penis!" because he didn't want to ride in the cart seat. The friend told my cousin about it the next day. My cousin laughed and said "Betcha wish he called his a tail now!"

ROFLMAO @ Chinese Recipe! Love it! I love what kids come up with. My oldest son thought I just peed out of my butt for the longest time. Who was I to argue, right? It's so true about the first ones being our experimental kids. It's not like the doctor pulls out a manual when he pulls out the baby.

Haha! My 3-yr old calls her privates her "body" - that way when she announces to everyone that she has a body, nobody else knows precisely what she's talking about! And it's not a lie - it's part of her body. :D

When my son was in 1st grade he came home from school and asked me if I was his foster mother or the mother that grew him in her intestines. What?! We had a very very basic version of the talk with no graphic details about noodles or chinese recipes.

My son is going into 4th grade and we've had to have a few touch up talks (thanks to his teenage cousin telling him that girls pee blood all the time - he's just as confused as my 9 year old). I gave him the basics on anatomy without the details about when the noodles and recipes get together. He was a little disturbed and is so thankful he's not a girl. LOL!

LOL Ahhhh I talk like that too running it all together. LOL My boys are twins but are in separate grades. One my first son Austin was getting ready to have his class on a Monday my husband and I both talked to him at separate times the night before telling him not to be embarrassed and that we wanted him to feel comfortable asking us anything if he had any questions. He quickly told me that he felt more comfortable talking to dad....ok fine by me. But when he got home that day he didn't stop talking! I was like "HEY HEY HEY wait, what happened to feeling more comfortable talking to dad?????" Boys are definitely much different from girls - my girl was very quiet about everything.

Thanks for the great laugh today! I have five daughters, and as the parent responsible for "the talk" I know exactly what you mean! Our "experimental" child came out great (and the three middles), and our "too tired to care any more child" is in High School - by then we were used to talking about "girl things" at the supper table and have to be careful when we have company! (Luckily my one son in law has 4 sisters, so he's used to it)

Oh did this make me giggle. When my older kids (a girl and a boy 2 years apart) were little, I tried to use the proper terminology for body parts, only my son could not pronounce the "V" word. Instead he called it a china(ironically). When my oldest stepson came home from school one day he wanted to tell us how he learned where China was on the globe. As he pointed it out, my then 3 year old son pointed below his waist and stated "I thought this was a China?" This brought that all back and I have been laughing ever since. Never stop blogging Dawn. You make me laugh every day.

I would love to be a fly on the wall the next time you order food at a Chinese restaurant! I double dog dare you to keep a straight face! We tried the "proper name" approach with DS who is five and has a speech issue. He now calls it a "peanut" which wouldn't be too bad if he didn't have a life threatening allergy to peanuts. He constantly hears, "Never touch peanuts, peanuts are bad, peanuts make you sick, stay away from peanuts, etc." Yep, we're already saving up for therapy!

My dad was a doctor and my mother a nurse. Whenever I asked my dad a question he'd call me "fresh." When it came time or the birds and the bees, my mother handed me a pamphlet for parents, telling THEM how to explain things to the child. Izzit any wonder my husband and I had to adopt our kids?

I wonder how long it will be before your youngest two think they know more about sex than you do. Isn't that why they have the talk about the birds and the beest -- so the kids can teach the parents about what goes where and why?