A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage . He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.

She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."

"Well," the husband says, "there is one thing."

"What is that?" says the wife

"A bl*w job," says the husband.

The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blo* job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."

So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a bl*w job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.

The husbands answers and says,
"Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, c*cksucker, it's for you."

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

"I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning.""You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!""We haven't got a policy on that"."I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."

Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....the taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds......so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them : "we have arrived"......

The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch..so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"The third man replied: "control your speed..... next time you got here so quick you almost killed us....."

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"The man anxiously says, "Yes.""Take the poison," says the Rabbi

Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening. When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over to his place.

They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.

As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced
medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an
operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking
for work.”

An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the
heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3
weeks.”

The German Man says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man,
put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out
of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for
work!”

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.’
‘OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for
$5 million.’
‘For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling
new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.’

[1] is one in which the husband knows when to remember and a wife knows what to forget;
[2] is achieved when silence between two people is comfortable;
[3] is when a husband can determine when his wife comes to the end of one argument and begins the next;
[4] is when a female hypochondriac marries a pill;
[5] is one in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man that made them so;
[6] is not so much finding the right person - but being the right person;
[7] is best assured when, instead of looking at each other, the two look out in the same direction;
[8] is when either party is good at taking orders.

The following statements were found on patient's charts
during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy."

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"Bleeding
started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
stockbroker instead."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
family in no distress."

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like
bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and
your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the
90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire
kabaddi team from my Pind (village). That makes eight"

George Bush paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
"Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" George Bush asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."

George Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to
1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri maa di ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of
shotguns, sticking on some wings and the Pind's generator. Four school
pass boys from Rajpura have joined us as well!"

George Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
planes. My military complex is surro unded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my
army to TWO MILLION!"

Ravi and Santa were working in a building site when suddnely Santa lets out a loud scream!
"whats wrong are you ok?" asked Ravi
"no that machibe has cut my ear off!" said Santa .
"dont panic, we will find it asap and hospital can sew it back on!" said ravi .
After 5 mins of searching Ravi shouts " i found it get over here!"
Santa runs over and on seeing it looks dissapointed and starts crying "what is wrong with you i have found your ear?" says Ravi
"thats not mine cries Santa , mine had a pencil behind it!"

Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
country club with an absolutely gorgeous and breathtakingly beautiful
25-year-old
brunette. She is hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his
every word.

His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the club are
baffled and shocked. At their very first chance, they come to him and
ask, "Thomas,
how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?"

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the stories of a few people who did....

FIRST STORY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND STORY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'

THIRD STORY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

FOURTH STORY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH STORY:
Have you ever asked your child a question one too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said 'No'.
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an
accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over,
spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST STORY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I
think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However,
less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as
their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and,
presumably, because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a gathering of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

The DJ's play a game where they award winners
great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone
at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet
highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.

If
their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both
win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made
the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is
possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously): "Yes I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah"

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh Huh..."

Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ:
"Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

Three Minutes of Commercials Follow

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "

(touch tones...ringing..)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ:
"Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"

DJ:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando,
Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the
Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: "Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?"

Sarah: "In the a*s...."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, A Blonde is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.
At the end of the line stands Blonde surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Blonde .
‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responed, "When I get a headache, my husband is the
best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my
breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In
no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"