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Tuesday, 28 July 2015

i'll pray that one day we will be strong enough to start things again, both of us and of course for all of us.so, go & listen to Both of Us- B.o.B ft. Taylor Swift

The sky looked so dark and dull, just like
they were in my position to make decision. I held a long heavy breathe. I sat
down on the bench, playing with my fingers thinking what tomorrow might bring.
I tried to recall back all memories that we had together; just to check. Yes I
still remember them and yet still cherished for them just like it was only
happened yesterday. I look up to the sky, try to look out for stars and found
nothing. Naked teary sky, I cursing in my head.

Suddenly I begin to feeling lost
in my own thought. Somehow it turned into a pathetic sobs. This is not what
should be exactly happen. I’m not her second. I’m his first love. I’m not a
pathetic secret lover. She fell hard on me at the first place.

For not being able to fit in your family class, I’m truly sorry. For
not being able to stay patient with the way they treated me, I’m so sorry. I
never fit, never reach the altitude of you. So in the end, I don’t deserve you.
No matter how hard I tried, how hard you tried to cheer me up every time I had
to receive all the harsh word they throw to me just like I’m an unworthy trash.

Maybe Luhan was right. We shouldn’t fight for us anymore. It’s getting
nowhere and actually kills me inside and out. I know how strong your feeling on
us, but we shouldn’t be doing this at the first place. I’m not okay! You keep saying
“it’s gonna be okay”, but it never seem to happen that ever until the day we’d
both die. I really not okay of the sight you being his arm to please your
family. I have my pride and there will always a price for loving someone. It is
sacrifice.

…

“Sehun!”, a young girl in yellow
sneakers scream like her lung are going to throw up. “Sehun! Wait for me”, she
said in desperation getting air to enter her lung. “ Yes miss, anything I can
help you with?” the guy who’d named Sehun replied with a blank stare through
the holes on his eye. “Ohmygod honey, this is not funny. I’ve been searching
for you for almost two weeks”, she find her hand way to Sehun’s shoulder.
Shaking Sehun’s broad shoulder vigorously she continued “where have you been?
You said you never leave me”. “I’m so sorry miss but I still cannot found any
sight of you in my memories”, he replied coldly before adding “even the
slightest”. The girl jaw dropped.

“Hahahaha I always love your joke but
hey stop it, let’s go home”, the girl reached Sehun’s hand to drag him away with
a big grin but being taken aback when Sehun snatched his hand back. The girl
gulped hard, her eyes wide open not believing what actually happened just now.
Her beautiful smile seems to fading away. “What happen to you?”, she asked with
trembling voice. Her face fell off. She looks to fragile now.

“Look miss, I don’t have any idea
on what you’re talking right now. Believe me, you look super-pathetic right
now”, he said leaving the girl in agape. “I’m in such a hurry so please get out
from my way”, he sneered the girl and just walk away. “Sehun, I’m here!”
another girl approached him from across the road. “Oh hey Lara, come on we’re
late!”, Sehun smiled brightly and open his arm for the ‘just-arrived’ blonde
girl that come out of nowhere. The girl hugged Sehun and gives a light peck on
Sehun’s cheek. “Er why is the girl looking at us?”, Lara shoot a suspicious
girl behind them who look lost, wandering in her own thought. “No I don’t know
her, she just came to me saying weird thing”, Sehun replied. “Crazy maybe”,
Lara said with annoying and loud giggle. “She seems so, let’s go. Let her be”,
Sehun patted Lara’s head and chuckled. They walk together; keep on bluffing and
laughing along the road. In the end of the empty road, his eyes glance a little
to look at the little frozen girl with a dull looks.

The unmoved girl still stood
still, frozen-like. Time seems to be stopped at the time. Giving her some space
to digest, her worst nightmare.

…

She stayed that way for almost 3
hours, her legs shaking vigorously as she tried to fight the cold that has been
soaked into her. It’s been raining for maybe 2 hours non-stop. Her lips parted
away and trembled so bad. She looks awful. She has been smashed into small
pieces, she lost the grip of being herself. As she felt so hot and sick, she
lied on the jogging track helplessly. Keep wishing that she could wake up from
this bad dream.

I miss you, I miss your shadow, I miss your smell, I miss your arms, I
miss your hug, I miss your warmth breathe brushing against my neck, I miss your
gentle smile, I miss to listen to your heartbeat, I miss to see you stay, I
miss to see you giggles, I miss your low voices, I miss your bed-hair, I miss
to see you woke up beside me every morning, I miss your unfunny jokes, I miss
the way you stroked my hair, I miss the way our hand tangled up, I miss the way
you teased me, I miss the moment you look only at me, I miss you hoarse voice,
I miss your hand making circle behind my back, I miss your naughty evil stare.
I don’t know anything else; I just missed you
… a lot.

She stay that way till dawn comes
show the sun peeking up to rise, bringing new hopes and life to peoples.

…

“Sehun, looks!”, a loud voice
barked staining the peaceful morning. Sehun looks at me with disgusted stare
and then looked away. It’s not him that I knew anymore. 14 years of love all
gone wasted. I really want to die now, right now. I somehow felt so weak and
sore up. I’m just tired and I want to stop everything right now. Putting a
pause on my life, I closed my eyes slowly.

“Sehun! We should help her”, I
still can heard a woman yelling but everything seems so blurred to me. “No, we
don’t have to butt in. it’s just her being stupid”, I know it Sehun’s voice. It
his scent. He’s here. No I mean, he was here. The scent is getting fading away
from me. And I just feel hopeless and dying. I felt the warmth of sun as it
rises, I smiled. I used to woke up him in his embrace on this kind of morning.

I heard such a commotion surround
me, suffocating me and I felt some unfamiliar touch on my skin. And I just felt
like I’m flying.

…

“Sehun, it looks like you really
love the song. What song was that?” Lara pointed at my iPhone. “Ah, its an old
song called Sephia”, I replied gently. “Oh, I keep wondering because you really
cannot stop singing that, wont you?”, Lara nudge me earning me a smile. “ I won’t.
I will remember this song till the day I’d die”, I said slowly. “Woah, there
must be a story behind this”, she muttered slowly while typing something on her
phone. “It’s about a girl that I loved so much”, I muttered slowly under my
weary breathe. “What, I can’t hear you?”, she look at me. “ Ah no, nothing. I
said I will go to sleep first. Bye good girl Lara”, I waved at her.

I lied on my bed, staring at the
ceiling like it is the most interesting thing in the world. As I try to closed
my eyes, the scene of Phia lying on the ground come to me and keep on
repeating. All the guilty that has already suffocates me and makes my
surrounding feel heavier. I try to ignore the nuisance that come from my ugly
heart, but I just found myself sweeping the tears on my hot cheeks. Pity me,
pathetic me.

I can live without her but a part
of me still hasn’t left her heart yet. I live better without the sight of her,
but I keep wandering what she is doing. I live happily without her, but I still
feel the incomplete side of my heart. I don’t think that I’ve regret that I
leaved her, but I still recalling our moment when we were together even the
smallest part of memories. I just hurting myself without me realizing them.

…

I walked with my eyes eager
finding any empty seat on the bus. It already half-filled with human butt. But
still, it’s not very noisy and havoc. I let out a relief sigh. My eyes soon landed
on the empty seat near the window. I sat down and pulled out my favourite
earphone. I used to listen to the radio usually at this hour, dedication hour.
It’s where people dedicate song to their loved one. I don’t know since when I
loved to hear crappy love stories but I know that I just lonely and I need
love, just like everyone else does.

“Alright everone,so hows your
afternoon? I’m your beloved deejay Tori, I wish you’ve had such a bright and
lovely day today. There is a very famous quote from John Green that I like
about life; “you don't remember what happened, what you remember becomes what happened”. So for any
couple that just had into a fight, how about the rethink again of what had just
happened. For those who have something to say to someone but have no gut to
tell them, I believe you will regret the words that you’ve left unsaid until
the day that you die. So here, this dedication hour that we’ve made for you just
to make things right. It maybe too late, and some of our beautiful moments in
our life seems to disappear but it’s never wrong to try. Some of us might
missing someone but has being left by the train of time, we bring new train for
you to catch up some of your wasted journey. This program somehow sounds lame
and boring, but still we will wait you patiently with a chance in our hands. So
good luck everyone, we will proceed with Taylor Swift song, Clean.”

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning,

That’s when I could finally breathe.

And by morning, gone was any trace of you,

I think I am finally clean.

I smiled as I listened to the
song, it’s just too beautiful how my complicated feeling are delivered into the
words of song made by someone who are just unrelated to me. I started to see
things big and clear, we live in this big world, separated by big annoying gap
called distance but still we all just the same brand of human and some of us do
share some same stories.

“Alright, we now have our first
message in our inbox, ahh it’s from unluckyman94. Simple short message to a
girl; Sephia Arissa”

“Hi Phia, how are you doing? It’s been so many years and I’ve been
growing up getting old and dull day by day. I just missed you since the day I’d
let you go. I know its hurt so bad but I’ll be forgotten in the matter of time.
It still sad to not getting your call in the early morning, it’s just sad. I still
couldn’t believe how we let this go. Sorry for letting my words for you keep
hidden for years. Sorry that those beautiful words I left unsaid. This time I will
really leave you as I will find my own happiness. Maybe it’s time to let it go,
maybe right now just wrong time for us. Let's meet again in another world where
we can be together, forever. Live well, babygirl.”

“Ouch, this is just a tear-worthy
letter. I hope that Sephia able to hear this and be at calm after listening the
requested song, Sephia by Sheila On 7”

Hey, Sephia

Malam ini ku takkan datang

Mencoba tuk berpaling sayang dari cintamu

Hey, Sephia

Malam ini ku takkan pulang

Tak usah kau mencari aku, demi cintamu

Hadapilah ini

Kisah kita takkan abadi

Reff

Slamat tidur kekasih gelapku oh Sephia…

Smoga cepat kau lupakan aku

Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup

untuk melupakanmu

Slamat tinggal kasih tak terungkap oh Sephia…

Smoga kau lupakan aku cepat

Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup

untuk meninggalkanmu

Hey, Sephia

Jangan pernah panggil namaku

Bila kita bertemu lagi di lain hari

Hadapilah ini

Kisah kita takkan abadi

...

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt"-The Fault In Our Stars