My World of knitted words.

Month

December 2014

“I remember years ago…
Someone told me I should take,
Cautions…
When it comes to love…and I did,
Cautions were taken,my world was shaken,
broken heart,and broken trusts,
Someone betrayed,I couldnot portrayed
The life went on,I moved on…”

-By Shontelle+ Me (Impossible song lyrics+ my composition)
…
Have you ever experienced the comeback of that very person,you hated since when your milk teeth decided to fall off your mouth. If not,then let me tell you,I was experiencing the same return of that very person,who was once used to be my closest pal,but duh she was not now. Though years passed since that huge fight took place between us. May be,just maybe she’d changed now,but positivity was not something I could see in her eyes now,Ah yes! You guessed it right the girl,for whom I was talking about and the girl who was once so close to my heart,was no other than Kristie Johannson.
She was there too when I’d fallen in and out of love last time,and she was here too when I was trying to maintain some good ‘friend-friend’ relation between Enid and I. With those long chestnut coloured,waist length hair,she was gorgeous as she used to look when we were in high school. I felt a sudden ping of jealousy running up and down my thin and pale body. I’d no idea whether I was jealous because she was back or because she was with Enid. I’d no slightest clue either regarding that single thought that came inside Enid’s big head and he decided to bring her along him. I was feeling terrible for me,yesterday I was trying to commit suicide and today I was already crushing on a stranger guy (literally). Oops,did I say that loud? I was blank in whole.
“Anna..Annabelle down to earth,helloo down to earth Anna”-a loud voice interrupted me and my train of thoughts. Oh these continuos interruptions!
I found that the owner of the voice was Enid and his ‘other half’ was glaring at me like I was some piece of shit. Duh! This proved that actually my ex-bestfriend had changed into those girls,for whom I was the only reason they attended their classes-ofcourse for bullying me (that’s what I felt,and their ‘acting like a slut’ was still kept aside by me).
I decided to ignore her death-glares and looked towards Enid.
“Yeah! Sorry,I zoned out actually,what were you saying and Nice to meet you too Kristie”- I said in a normal tone,acting just so normal,while I was literally freaking out on my own.
“Did I say that I feel nice meeting you girl?”- Kristie spat as I expected her to do.
Enid elbowed her slowly and looked at me with a slight smile,oh god was he any better? I mentally slapped myself and looked at him with a straight face.
“So,are you ready to spend your day with us?”-Enid asked while placing his hand on christie’s waist.
I nodded simply and rushed inside to get my bag and phone.
“Shall we leave now honey,we are already late!”- Kristie asked Enid,sending me daggers though. Sigh,if only looks could kill.
“Yeah sure love,lets go Anna”-Enid kissed her forehead and gestured me to join them. I nodded again.
“Ani dear,breakfast is ready!”-Sister Mary called my name,while placing plates and breakfast on the table.
“We are already late baby,and now she will do her breakfast…”-I heard Kristie’s voice,but decided to stay silent. I was not in a worst mood that time,all thanks to me.
“You guys can go if you want!”-I said silently,though Enid was already moving towards the table.
“No they are not going anywhere without eating the breakfast my darling. Come here you kids!”-Sister Mary spoke in her cheerful tone,as she always used to do.
I said nothing and looked towards the duo-Enid and Anna. Enid seemed surprisingly comfortable with this sudden invitation,while Anna was looking in disgust towards Sister Mary. Bitch!
“Oh no I am not eating with your maid here sitting beside me like this Annabelle…”- Christie said with a funny yet disguisting face. Oh how she was trying to act like a bitch so hard,but failing miserably.
Enid coughed hard while exchanging glances with her,and I started-
“Christie Johannson,No matter what relation did we share in our past,but I am not going to tolerate your shit here,the lady here is more respectfully called as Sister Mary
by us and she is the owner of this place,not a maid. Think before you speak girl,else I would take no time to show you the way to the exit.”- I looked towards her and smiled in satisfaction. Her face was worth a glance.
I looked at Enid who was now gaping at me with his mouth wide open.
I shrugged and continued my eating.
“How do you know Kristie and where is your mom and dad?”
I sighed. I know it was coming.
“Well I and Kristie were childhood friends and more like soul sisters,but one day she left,so I moved on. About my parents,they died in a car accident three years ago. I’ve been living here since three years,so sister mary is more like a mother to me.”- I finished and looked at no one in particular.
I heard someone gasp,and it was Kristie looking at me with a totally shocked face. Not everyone knew about my parents.
“So do you mean,this mansion is not yours,and an orphanage?”- asked Enid,still wide eyed.
“Yeah,this is my orphanage as well as my house now,as no one is adopting me. And what do you think,why would I try to commit suicide if I’d have everything?”- I answered Enid’s question and quickly looked at sister’s face. She was shocked too,probably due to my another suicidal attempt.
“I am sorry sister,I am just tired,but I love you.”-I whispered to no body but myself,though enid heard it all.
He whispered back-
“First reason for you not to die- Sister Mary”.
I smiled at him slightly though he didn’t see that this time.
-To be continued

What happens when you just start thinking about a certain thing and then end up thinking it again and again.

People would say,”Dude,stop over thinking,you are ruining your life!”
And what if I tell them that ‘My life is already ruined’ from this everyday torture of mental stress. You cannot help,but facing this shit right?
The more you try to stay happy,the more It would reach you to feed upon your mind.
And in case if you would try to share your pain with your so called good for nothing friends,what would be their response?
Positive?
No,not at all!
They would give you examples of those people who live on the streets,who don’t bother to wear proper clothes,but still do good in everything,be it in staying happy or in their only chance of studying.
Well,my dear friends. Are you nuts or what?
I face this thing called ‘mental trauma’ almost daily,whether I live on streets or stay under the comfy covers,but that doesn’t really matter,yes you heard it right,that doesn’t matter whether I have everything or nothing. Those kids,those people do live in hard situations,but they,almost all,live happily together,without any mental pressure. Their closed ones don’t torture them like everyday my dad do,no not physical torture,but mental torture by his swearings by his blamings.
I cannot help myself in anyway,but still I try to sort out the mess,I create everyday of several thoughts,in my head ofcourse by over-thinking the same thing,same line ruining my mind-‘What is my future,raising in such family,bearing this shit called-domestic violence,without even getting a single slap,but so much of mental trauma which a normal person like you couldnot face.…’
So the lecture ends here,my story is a never ending story,which has no definite reason to change. Now this is what I face,and how this leads to overthinking and mental stress.
Mentally hurt–>Overthinking–>Mental stress–>Depression

“The more she tries to sort her inner turmoil, the more she found herself falling deep into the unknown abyss Only she knew,for her it was a bliss…”
……
I was sleeping peacefully,enjoying only the few peaceful moments of my life,before the monster’s arrival. But maybe,I’d slept enough and dreamt enough about my ‘would-be-happy’ life,because the monster was already there screaming at its peak over my head,standing so upright on my small table,near my bed-yes this monster was none
other than my alarm-clock. Waking up in the chilly morning was not less than a suicidal attempt for me,and whosoever try to wake me up was none other than an ugly monster,waiting for me with its jaw so widely open. I couldnot imagine waking this early during my weekends but my school demanded everyday the same sacrifice from me,and I,like a dumb I was ,always tried to live within the demands.
Today’s morning was going to be a slight different too,Enid would be coming to pick me up anytime soon and I was definetely not making him feel any weird about me like before,so I threw the comfy quilt off my now shivering body,so unwillingly. Afterall who else would try to get rid of their warm comfort,like me.
A shiver ran down my spine,when my bare foot touched the hard concrete floor of my room. Well in my past years here in this orphanage,made me feel jealous of those kids who were lucky enough to land their feet on fully polished softcore floor,unlike me. Though it was satisfying that during cold,be it a hard concrete,or a polished soft tiled floor,the windy air would for sure,make them feel atleast once,the same shivering as I was feeling while waking this early.
I moved towards the common bathroom,that was fortunately,not so far from my room. I,with a great difficulty tip toed on the hard icy land,not wanting to release a single purr.
In winters,I’d hated this daily compulsion of taking bath,but again It was not my damn house,where I could do anything I want. After all,not each and every want coulg get fulfilled,right?
I opened the bathroom door,which opened making an irritating creaky sound,now what could be more annoying than this? I mentally cursed the damn door and went in. I couldnot take any more of the shiverings and creaky sounds.
So I,immediately took out my old looking tooth brush,off the stand and applied a thick layer of minty paste on it,for I wanted to feel fresh,uhm I mean so that with my ugly face,a foul smell wouldn’t be there to distract Enid from his sole goal.
After brushing and finishing my business,I took out the old bottle of strawberry shampoo and started to wash my ugly head by pouring almost the whole bottle on it.
I started singing an old lullaby,which my mother used to sing for me at nights. I felt so nostalgic,those days were blissfull enough for me to remember.
A sudden loud sound,or rather a loud honk outside the orphanage,interrupted my train of thoughts,making me return to the present moment.
“Must be him!”-I thought,hurriedly wrapping the towel around my skinny body. If I could act like a lazy ape while waking up in early mornings,then acting like a superman in emergencies was not a big deal for me. Oh yeah! Sole thing I was talented in.
I finally dressed up in my hoodie,and jeans,which I’ve got from some kind social workers,who’d donated their collected clothes for us to the orphanage.
Someone had probably received Enid at the door,as now I could hear his laughter and a girl’s gasp. Yeah right,a Girl!
What? A girl,Why would enid bring a girl here? Well he’s a part of the ‘POPULAR’ group,so I couldnot deny the fact of him being in a relationship,with some bitch.
I shrugged this sudden feel off my mind and made my way to the front door,and as I pushed the door open,I hit something hard and rigid,which made me lose my balance,resulting in the landing of my butt,on the hard floor.
“oww!what the hell”-I yelped in pain and looked at the hard thing,with which I collided my body. That hard ‘thing’ was not a thing,instead was the hard muscular chest of Enid.
There standing infront of me,was enid with a girl who somewhat looked familiar.
“Hey there Anna,meet my other half-Kristie Johannson.”
This introduction was indeed not my favourite thing.…
-To be continued
-Ritu ❤

TEN REASONS
CHAPTER ONE
“And she started her quest ,with him walking beside her. So serene it felt,
As they walked hand in hand,for a new sun was ready to shine over them”
…
I was panting hard,so hard that it seems my heart was involved in some battle,so far,and was trying hard to win by beating this fast. I’d reached my room a while after the whole incident that occured when I was trying to do something for me,but that enid guy interrupted.
‘No! Not actually interrupted anna,rather he tried to save you and you’ve got one friend as him too. Are you not realizing,how grateful you should be to him,for him being your saviour. You ran away from there,how is he taking your personality as?’-My soul rebuked me angrily.
It was not wrong either,enid was there when no one was. But did I do right today? Confusion tried to build its own web but I decided to go against it. Never in the past years,did anyone come like this,in an attempt of doing what,like trying this hard to save me from dying. I wondered if I should trust this guy or not,But not trusting him now was just out of the question.
‘Anna,if you can tolerate your dad,his taunts,his beatings,in those passed days then why not trust this guy,who is entirely different from your dad,your long-gone dad. Just don’t over-think about this. You have to move on Anna,you cannot lead your life this way always. Maybe,maybe enid is the guy,with the help of whom you would sleep peacefully,without those nightmares,which are always there ready to kill you slowly,with their venom,whenever you try to lay on this bed. Just think Anna,maybe,maybe enid is the guy,you have been waiting for.…’-My inner voice chided again,this time a little softer,but again a scold was indeed a scold.
I shrugged off all the thoughts and fell on my bed like a lifeless body,not wanting to wake again,ignoring all the callings ,coming from downstairs,probably Sister Georgia was getting worried for me. This time,it was not my decision to stay mute,but my mind’s!
When sleep overcame my thoughts,I felt so tired,so dead,that both of my eye-lids wanted to meet up again,I gave up in a hope to sleep peacefully tonight,a sleep without nightmares. Although I had no belief in this hopeless hope,still I gave in.
******
“…
You are worthless”-screamed my dad.
‘Yeah,right now,I am,soon I will be not.’-I thought.
I’ve been facing all this since when all normal kids do what?play?learn what?stories?
And what I learnt ? How two opposite gender people do sex,how disputes occur,how bad-one could turn himself to,in using the worst of language,worst of abuses you’ve ever heard.
Well this can be surprising for you,but for me,no,it is not,I’ve become habitual,tired and fed up now from all this.
So today I am running away from this hell,this captivating place somewhat similar to a prison.
I donot care whether my mother would cry from up there watching me doing all this. I do not care whether my so called father miss me after my escape. Or no he’d probably consider himself the most happiest man alive on this darn earth. To hell with his happiness,It won’t affect my determination now,I will run away,far away from him,his house,his city,if possible from his country to a new country,a new destination,a new land,from where I bet I will show him who am I,show him what my real worth is,and most importantly prove him that I am not WORTHLESS. …”
I felt a burning feel entering through my right ear and the piercing pain,I got over my cheek made my senses return to the actual circumstances. I’d been reading this book for so long,that I’d almost forgot about him. Father was back from work,and the burning feel I felt was none other than his slap and he was standing so close to me,dangreously close,so that his alcoholic breath was attacking my nostrils. Great,could this night get any worse? Above all he was furious,his eyes were red like there was so much blood in them. I tried to stand up but his large hand pushed me down back on the hard wooden chair. This was not going to be any good.
“What the fuck you were doing here,reading this darn book? Do you have any idea since how long I have been calling your stupid name,you bitch!”-Dad almost crushed my foot while towering over my pale and not so fit body. Mom came running,from her room,when she heard voices,this loud. This was no new though,daily beatings,abuses and tantrums was all what I used to get in return of my muteness infront of them.
“What happened honey?”-My mom asked dad,scratch that ‘her husband’.
“This bitch! All because of this idiot,and her face,that my boss didnot promote me. Because of her only. And what she doing here, for what feel like hours,was only reading this damn book.”-My dad screamed at my mom,leaving her speechless.
My mother had never said a word against his tough guy,and at this crucial time too,she was standing there helpless,uttering nothing. How misfortunate could that be.
“I know tonight,what she deserves…”-My dad laughed an evil laugh then took out his belt while moving towards me with his weapon.
“Come here you girl…”
A voice entered my ears waking me up suddenly,as I found myself on the hard concrete floor. I rubbed my eyes and looked everywhere,where I could land my eyes upon,but found no-one.
Then it hit me,again those nightmares,yes again like everynight It was my dad who made me roll down the bed,and on the floor.
I sighed.
‘Hope these nightmares would end soon’.
Maybe from tomorrow,that guy would give me any valid reasons to love my life. Just maybe,I could only hope for the best.
-To be continued
-Ritu 🙂

“Is this what your final decision?”-I snapped.
“Congrats Roger! You will be the first and last witness of my suicide.”
I moved more closer to the edge,and before I could jump,I felt one muscular and manly hand pulling me away from the edge. And hence failing my mission.
Enid pulled me backward.
“What the hell do you want?”-I screamed,now allowing the tears that’ve been there in my eyes I had no idea from when,to fall down my cheeks.
“Let me go!”
Enid glared at me,clenching his jaw tight.”I am not going to let you die.”
More tears welled up in my eyes,which fell down freely as I ripped my wrist out of his grip.
“Why? Why do you even care? You donot even know me.”
I sobbed.
“You are Annabelle Rose,a quiet girl that sits behind me daily in the chemistry class.”-Enid spoke.
“That’s it? Like really? You are trying to save a girl just because she sits behind you?”-I raised an eyebrow.
“Pathetic Roger!”
Evan pulled me closer,so closer that my chest pressed against his. His warm breath sent shivers down my spine,though I ignored this all. What the fuck did he think he was doing?
“Get the fuck away fro-”
“Give me ten days.” Enid started off.
“What?”- I spat while trying to push his body away from mine. But alas! He was strong and I was not.
“Give me ten days,and I can give you ten reasons for not taking this step.”
He paused.
“And if I won’t change your mind by then,then I will not stop you. You can go jump off that cliff.”
I pursed my lips-“You are got to be kidding me,right?”
“No! I am not,I am serious!”-Enid said with a straight face.
“Do we have a deal here?”-He asked hopefully.
“I don’t know!”-I bit my lip thinking.
“Do we have a deal here?”-Enid ignored me and repeated again his question.
I gulped as his piercing blue eyes met with mine. They looked so truthful,so genuine and sincere. Did he really trying to help me? Did he really save me?
I made my decision.
“Deal!”
-To be continued
-Ritu ❤

TEN REASONS
PROLOGUE
I walked on the edge of the cliff,as my legs felt like a jelly. I took in a deep breath,hands trembling continuosly by my sides as I moved closer and closer on the path which was going to lead me to death,to an end where I was always destined to. My heart hammered against the cage it was kept in,when I stared down to the rocky water of the ocean,standing so still. It was sure that I would definetely going to die,if I jumped off the cliff.
But this was it. Wasnot it the end I’d ever thought to had? I never liked staying in here,in this living hell,this orphanage was not the place,I deserved to live in.
I just wanted my life to end. I so wanted to go up there in the heaven to live with my parents who were so mean to me,that they left me here on my own,with no one,absolutely no one to share my sorrows with,just this hellhole,which was slowly sucking out my life anyway. I didnot want to live here,where not a single person was ready to adopt me,why?
because I was not some obedient little kid for them,but a seventeen year old teen.
I moved my foot one step closer,feeling myself stop breathing.
It was now or never like situation for me. Behind me was nothing but bad passed memories and forthcoming moment would be my escape,yes my escape from this inhumane world.
If I moved just an inch closer,I would be falling down the cliff,into the icy and rocky waters,waiting for their new victim.
You can do this Anna. It’s what you wanted to do for so long from now.
I moved my left foot a bit further so that it was dangling in the thin air. A tear escaped my eyes,trickling down my cheeks slowly,like kissing it for the last time.
Suddenly I felt my body out of my control,as I felt myself fly towards the side,as I squeezed my eyes together tightly. I prepared myself for the coming impact. But no god decided to be more mean to me,as I found myself crashing onto dirt. I opened my eyes noticing that I was now at a good distance from the edge of the cliff. I so wanted to kill the person who decided to show up,when they were not needed.
As my eyes fell upon the familiar face of that person,I felt stabbed. Here goes my chance at school too. It was not like I was any popular,but I was a quiet kid,and always tried to stay away from ‘The Populars’,I had never experienced the bullying. But the guy hovering over me was the reason of making me feel scared.
‘Enid Rogers’-Yes that was his name,he was one of them-The Populars.
Enid was known as the school’s most likable male not just because of his looks but of his care towards the other not so popular kids and generosity. All the girls,almost all the chicks wanted to be his girlfriend,but I hadnot ever seen him with his arm around any of these or maybe any girl before. People say that he doesnot like to lead on girls,and is waiting for his exact match.
If you ask honestly what I think of him,then secretly I found his this belief and him so fake.
“What the hell do you think you were trying to do there?”-He shouted at me as I pushed his body off me.
My vision was still blurry because of the tears,as I wiped them with the back of my sleeve with frustration.
“Wasn’t it obvious enough for you to tell? If not then let me answer,I was only trying to fall off the cliff,to check whether I would die,or anyone would come to rescue me.”-I hissed at him,as I stood up,brushing the dirt off my coat.
“Everything was fine until you decided to show up here.”
“Well what made you think that I would sit and watch you jumping down the cliff?”-Enid asked me angrily.
He followed me like a lost pup as I tried to walk away. I got aggravated and pushed him hard,and he almost lost his balance too.
“You fucking don’t know me,not about my life either. If I want to kill myself,I will do that,and you are no one to stop me from doing that.”
I walked back to the edge of the cliff,as my both the hands shook by my sides.
“I’ll give you ten seconds to run away from here else you will be watching a live coverage of a girl committing suicide and will also witness my bloody body at the bottom of this ocean.”
Enid uttered nothing and stood still,while biting his lower lip.
I felt terrible,it would be so annoying for me to jump off this cliff infront of a boy,that too a Popular male of the school.
-To be continued 🙂 🙂
-Ritu

I may not bestow my inner self to all,and shall not ever beseech for any help.
I have gone through almost everything…
notwithstanding the sorrow and suffering that surrounded me on every side.
I know there is more to come,more to discourage this motivated soul of mine,
but my god will not let it come,and if it would…
My senses would be there like unsung heroes,standing upright,holding the weapon of smile so tight.