(Closed) Guilt about unintentional flirting incident

I tend to do as you do and over-analyze what I’ve done and said. Then I remind myself that people have lives and do not play armchair quaterback on the insignificant things I did and said in social situations.

anonbee14 : A friend of mine is big on kissing people on the cheek before she leaves anywhere. To me, it’s really awkward but whatever! Anyways, a year ago or so we were at a dinner and there was an older gentleman there that she knew. Well, before she leaves, she goes to kiss this guy on the cheek…he turns his head and they end up kissing on the lips! Talk about awkward!! FYI they’re both married.

Waaaay overthinking this….no need for damage control as no damage was done. I promise you that you think it was weirder than anyone else did in the moment. I can also promise that nobody gave it a second thought after that moment. Let it go….

We are all our own worst critics. You will do yourself an enormous favor by allowing yourself to be exactly who you are and stop the Monday morning quarterbacking. One of the great things that age has done for me is just that, and now I realize that all of the right people accept me for the goofy fun loving person I am….and so do I. It’s a very freeing feeling!

I dont think you should do damage control but I would come at this from another perspective, you invaded someone’s personal space by hugging them without their permission. This guy is new to your friend group and you dont know what his personal experience is, he may not have appreciated your hug or your exuberance.

I personally dont like to be hugged by anyone but my husband, children, and family. I dont routinely hug friends and I certainly dont hug newish friends. My friends and family respect my boundaries and if someone wants to give me a hug they ask permission. I also ask for permission before I hug anyone.

This is because years ago one of my mom’s numerous boyfriends attempted to touch me as a child. So I dont like being touched by strangers.

You dont know what some else’s experience is, so perhaps ask permission before you go and throw your arms around someone.

Thank you again everyone for helping me get out of my head! feeling better about it all today.

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princessanon0125 : Consent is so important, and I appreciate you bringing it up and sharing your experience. I’m sorry you’ve been through that, and I can relate although my experience has affected me in different ways. In this case, however, I know that this friend is fine with hugging. He’s been in our group for a few months, and instigated hugs first (and regularly does when we see him- both as a greeting, and for other reasons like when I told him some good news last week and he congratulated me with a hug). I always ask people if they’re okay with it before I touch them the first time, and have a few friends (even in that group there is one) who aren’t fans of it, so we completely respect that and it’s never been an issue. We’re just an affectionate group in general, including that guy. That said, I don’t make a habit of hugging people from behind either, it was just an impulsive and quick moment. Thank you again for mentioning that for consideration though, it’s something we should all be conscious of!

I feel you on the social anxiety and replaying every awkward moment in your head.

I actually did something very similar once. I’m a hugger and usually hug all of my friends/ husband’s friends… Well, husband and I went to visit my friend and her boyfriend was sitting on the floor, he put out his arm in a weird way (which in hindsight I’m assuming was to be like “Help me get up”) but for some stupid reason I thought he wanted a hug so I bent down super low on the floor and hugged him. He was like “Oh uhh hey!” And hugged me back but I realized afterwards how incredibly awkward it probably was for everyone hahaha. Don’t sweat it! I’m sure he probably forgot all about it.

anonbee14 : I don’t think he’s gonna be thinking about your random hug and he definitely won’t come at it from this angle. IMO men aren’t made uncomfortable by this kind of thing, so I would be truly shocked if he was thinking about this as a “consent issue”. They just don’t think like that.

Brideordie : That is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. Just because in this particular instance he isnt worried about consent doesnt mean other men cant be made uncomfortable by someone touching them without asking first.

You made a sweeping broad generalization that “men just dont think like that.” According to RAINN 1 in 6 men have been the victims of child sexual abuse.

While most sex abuse victims are women, men as young boys have been victimized and may carry with them the a fear of being touched by anyone even a woman. They have as much right to consent as a woman does.

Just because you dont know a male who would be uncomfortable with being hugged without consent doesnt mean there arent men out there who dont want to be hugged or touched without their consent.

princessanon0125 : Oh cmon now, there’s no way that’s really the most asinine thing you’ve ever heard. And that is absolutely tragic about those boys and I get what your saying, but I stand by my original post, this wouldn’t bother most men (I definitely don’t know any it would). Human touch is natural, she has nothing to be sorry for and he probably didn’t give it a second thought. The only real issue (as she correctly perceives) is that it could be seen as flirty.

Brideordie : Your correct that in this instance he probably doesnt mind, but whether you agree or not, there are plenty of people, men and women who dont want to be touched without their consent.

That kind of dismissiveness is the very reason that many men and women dont come forward when they have been touched and harassed, or sexually abused. Just because men arent as vocal about it doesnt mean they arent uncomfortable about it.

Gender stereotyping isnt right no matter what side it comes from. Some people dont like to be touched for a number of reasons. Men and women can both suffer from PTSD, fear of germs, etc, etc. Maybe they dont want to be touched because its their body and therefore they are entitled to that respect.

Everyone is entitled to bodily autonomy, even men are entitled to it, and just because they arent vocal about it, doesnt mean that we as women get to violate that boundary, just because “men arent bothered by that sort of thing.”

ETA: Human touch is natural, remember that when your boss walks up behind you and throws his arms around you without your consent.