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My Hot Take:

Okay so there’s a new beer floating around your TL called “Not Your Father’s Root Beer” which is hilarious because your father never drank it. Nonetheless, this beer is made for people who think all porn scenes should be shot at their nearest Cabela’s while they masturbate to pictures of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Not Your Father’s Root Beer is a craft beer for those who drink any flavor of Four Lokos. This is a drink for those who believe that Donald Trump might have a point whilst having their homepage set to their Tumblr. Its a craft beer for knuckledragging Neanderthals while also being a simple beer for those who drink shit like Keystone Light without the Alanis Morisette definition of irony. Fuck all of you who drink this cacophony of liquid gonorrhea, I’d rather see my deceased grandmother’s colostomy bag than hear how you’d like to drink this bullshit.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have yet to try this beer.

But we got more takes for you and this one is from Brynne regarding Harry Potter:

I read. I read a lot, mostly because TV is terrible (still don’t watch Game of Thrones, still don’t give a fuck). But whenever someone finds out you’re a “reader” (what is everyone else? Helen Kellers?), they don’t even ask you if you like Harry Potter, they just start talking about it. They automatically assume you like it and have read the whole series multiple times, as if it’s some new age rite of passage like prom or college or faking a pregnancy.

I first picked up Harry Potter in high school because everyone was reading it (everyone was also really into meth at the time in Northampton, Pennsylvania, and that has also turned out really great for the neighborhood). It was right after I had finished reading Fight Club, so based on everyone’s recommendations, I was expecting epic fight scenes, life-altering asides, and plot twists that had make the ending of Of Mice and Men look like a shot in the dark.

But instead I got a book was Lord of the Rings meets Hocus Pocus.

(Lord of the Rings also sucks)

JK Rowlz, I really liked The Casual Vacancy, but I still can’t fathom how you didn’t get sued for copyright infringement. I bet you have a great lawyer, and if you could contact me with his information I would appreciate it because I have some really interesting charges I would like Google to forget about involving a guitar, some guy’s Jetta, and off-brand breakfast cereal.

You had to be there.

The worst part about Harry Potter isn’t even Harry Potter itself, it’s how people react when you tell them you don’t like Harry Potter. Yes, you, screaming at your computer screen a whole 10 seconds ago (or whatever the average idiot savant reading speed is these days), let me first remind you, that you’re screaming about a book about a high schooler and his friends that float around on broomsticks with wands who endure a predictable plot and series of subplots and live happily ever after.

“But Harry Potter is about friendship!”

So is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

“But it’s not predictable at all!”

But, doesn’t the main character experience a major challenge, and you think he has lost? But then he survives? And wins? And then everyone gets married and lives happily ever after?

“…”

The worst is when people demand you listen to them read their favorite “inspiration quotes” from Harry Potter, as if that will “magically” (get it?) convince you. This isn’t the library, and you aren’t Richard Simmons reading to a group of low-functioning sixth graders (this is a bar, and I’m already on drink number four, and I don’t have a lot of free time anymore, so I’d prefer to not hear about the one book you finished six years ago or your newest interest in gluten-free gardening).

I have actually witnessed MULTIPLE people tell me they would be devastated if their future son or daughter didn’t like Harry Potter. THAT’s what you would be devastated about?! Not if he or she never sees a female president? Or the eradication of poverty in the U.S.? Or if he/she votes for someone like Chris Christie?

“I’ve accepted that my son is a white supremacist and has murdered three and a half wives…but I mostly will never get over that he didn’t like The Goblet of Fire.”

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

To conclude the fire monologues, let’s check in to Jamil and the music of that dude from Community.

There’s a lot of people that don’t need to be rapping in our Lord Based God’s year of 2015. Childish Gambino got pole position nh on that list. He’s right up there with Lupe and Charles Hamilton of “people with no shape-ups trying to tell you how to live your life properly.”

I didn’t know the actor formerly known as Donald Glover, or else I probably would like him less based off of what a quick search on the internet tells me about his comedic career (which is how I form opinions on most things these days). Childish Gambino makes Urban Outfitters fitting room music. Starbucks soundtrack when the manager is white and there’s one black employee so you gotta make him feel comfortable music. Hairline doing the Cotton-Eyed Joe away from your face because you get your wig chopped at Fantastic Sam’s music. “Black History Month” appreciation day at lunch and you ask what the difference between sweet potatoes and yams music. Hooping at recess in vasque boots music.

The title of this should come as no surprise to anyone who is normal and rational, and plus there has been numerous better posts on the xenophobic, nationalist and pretend presidential candidate that I won’t bother going as deep.

Make no mistake about it, Donald Trump is not a legitimate contender. He has high name recognition in which he is defeating other legitimate candidates but once the billion dollar SuperPACs start immolating him from every known direction; the reality show judge will be a brief footnote in the annals of anally repressed Republican candidates.

What makes Donald Trump a corn-riddled colonoscopy isn’t exactly him but the people who support him. The people who say “ya know the [prune faced genital wart with the pout of a stillborn duckling] has a point on a few things”.

Donald Trump is the candidate for mouth breathing knuckledraggers who rage about political correctness but freak out about the White House being illuminated in rainbow colors for like two hours. For the people who say “people are too sensitive nowadays” but shared countless false equivalency posts on why Caitlyn Jenner isn’t brave because they are uncomfortable or at most bigoted. He’s the candidate for people who think people get easily offended but rage with the self control as a meth riddled bison when women ask for equal pay or black citizens protest that they are being incarcerated at higher rates than white people.

Trump is the candidate for those who share Condescending Wonka memes or Meninist tweets about how all women should be objects that only exists for handjobs while they watch Entourage on HBO Now. They think it’s clever to tell Danica Patrick to make a sandwich or they think that Louis Farrakhan is somehow ISIS. The man with the follicles that’s hue is described by Lowe’s as “giraffe pubic hair” is the prime candidate for 90s children who grew up with the Internet and video games to lambast children ten years younger for not playing outside.

He is perfect for those who share posts about how one jamoke stepping on a flag is way more offensive than the Confederate flag but the media won’t talk about it. They are the ones who say racism is alive because a white person was killed once. The Trump caucus is for people who think Cloyd Rivers supporters who use the military to shift direction from their bohemian beliefs on economics.

We live in a free nation, so by all means you can support Donald Trump. You have that right. But he won’t win.

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (fifteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.

We have one goal at Satirical Thoughts and that’s to find out what you like and tell you why that makes you a horrible person. I’ve realized this is my destiny since I was fifteen and just decided not to watch Breaking Bad because everyone else was talking about it and I wanted to spite them. Yes, I am petty enough that I will silently protest something and only harm myself from having enjoyment.

Breaking Bad is now my favorite show ever.

But we have some takes today folks. We have new guest stars (and soon to be more!) and we tackle everything from Jon Stewart, to country bars to the beach and first fucking dates. I know you guys want your takes, like how a grandmother loves scratch offs and swap meets, so let’s get it on.

I Hate Jon Stewart

Fuck Jon Stewart. I’ve been saying this for at least three years and each moment that passes, I mean it more and more.

I’m politically inclined, hell I even had a blog that had zero personality in it that catered around political campaigns, and I tend to agree with nearly everything Jon Stewart says. He’s funny, engaging and has great writers. I can’t deny that.

But have you ever seen a more cocky and condescending motherfucker than Jon Stewart? This jamoke gets treated like a godsend amongst your “everything is just corrupt man” friends who vote and get outraged at Republican hot takes. Do you know what Jon Stewart was before the Daily Show? The asswipe starred in romantic comedies and was like a JV version of Hugh Grant! He would’ve been a subplot in Love Actually and probably would’ve seen a revival of his MTV show.

What gets me though is how he’s treated like some intelligent prognosticator. This guy isn’t “badass” for going on Crossfire on CNN and calling them out, that’s like someone calling out First Take; its such low-hanging fruit that it is just too easy to do. Bill O’Reilly looks down in the shower and giggles and that’s pretty much his show. Jon Stewart making fun of Donald Trump? These are Level 1 Crash Bandicoot, jump on the box, villains. The Mad Money guy? Seriously? Olbermann, Oliver and Colbert could all have done it better.

Remember that bullshit rally with his funnier counterpart? “Yeah man, both sides do it!”, the rally that thwarted young progressivism by doing the “goes both ways” schtick.

And if you call him out. He does that little paper realignment thing, and arches his head back and plays that “I’m just a comedian” card. Fuck Jon Stewart.

But enough about smirking comedians in the 11pm timeslot, let’s go to TJ (@CirqueduSoulay) who rallies against “country bars” where they pronounce Jesus as Dale Earnhardt.

Let’s talk about country bars, shall we? Thesis: Country bars were put on this earth as glorified costume parties for boot-licking Darren Wilson apologists who proudly fly their Confederate flag on their shit-ass trucks. They sell alcohol so that’s ok, but they’re mostly really bad!

Let’s start with the fun extracurricular: LINE DANCING. Witnessing line dancing in person might be funnier than a new Louis CK special. (While we’re here, Kevin Hart is awful, and the more you laugh at him, the more he sticks around, and the more I get mad.) A bunch of drunk white people just admitting they can’t dance for shit on their own, so they have choreographed steps mapped out for them like a treasure hunt so it gives the appearance of a dance. Baby steps, white people. Baby steps. One day we’ll get there.

Every country bar has the following consecutive songs: Electric Slide, Cupid Shuffle, Wobble. These Anglos LOSE THEIR MIND to these tracks. It’s downright fascinating; it’s like the bar understands they need to break up the “lost my dog in a fire but I drive yourrrr truckkkkk” monotony, but doesn’t know literally any other tracks. I’ll be the first to boogey to the Cupid Shuffle (HOT TAKE: Perfectly acceptable dance song), and I guess Wobble borderlines on okay, but these are the only non-countryish songs you’ll hear all night. You can’t burn your three lefty specialists in succession like that, country bar! That’s poor hustle.

The bartenders are obnoxious and awful. Have you ever seen the episode of Sunny where they go to Sudz? They try SO HARD. I walked in and the bartender immediately yelled to me:

“HEY YOU! You look thirsty, buddy! What can I get you?”

*Looks around, gets pissed when I realize I’m being called “buddy”. Mutters to self “well, I guess am thirsty…”*

I ask, “Ummm…what do you recommend?”

That’s the question I always like to ask when going to a new bar, just to see what type of specials they have and whatnot. Usually, I’ll get offered a special on beer (assorted Mexican swill for $3!) or a particular drink/shot (killer kamikazes for $4, breh!).

Instead….

“You look like you want a Long Island Iced Tea.”

I have never looked like I wanted nor actually desired a Long Island Iced Tea. And then my face did the sunglasses emoji I realized the initials were LIIT. I accepted his offer, gave him my dollars and then…

*WHISTLEEEEEEEE*

I thought Joey Crawford hopped behind the bar to call me for a charge, but to my dismay, this was simply not the case. The bartender blew a whistle about five feet away from me to celebrate the dollar and change I left him for my LIIT. This whistle went off just about every time they got a tip. It felt like I was trying to cross Comm Ave next to multiple traffic cops instead of waiting for a drink. Future proprietors: Do not allow this tomfoolery.

Unfortunately, unlike Sudz, this place was not better than an orgasm. Essentially, this bar was the SoCal version of the infamous UConn bar Huskies. That is not a compliment.

Also, cowboy hats are the snapbacks of country bars; if I see you wearing one, there’s a zero percent chance I’ll want to meet you or hear a word you have to say. Cowboy boots are whimsical, mainly because I can’t take you seriously if I mistake the sound of your footsteps for a woman in wedges.

Last time I went to a kunnnnntreeeee bar, some female strutting by, who was wearing cowboy boots that apparently didn’t fit her all that well, fell into my slouching elbow at my table. In the midst of her collapse, she dropped her PBR tall can, because, what else is she going to drink? I immediately called her Ginobili flop and gave her a measly $2 and let her boyfriend buy her new drink.

You may say “teej, I think you just had one bad experience.” And I say, no, you’re the most wrong person. There are many niche bars out there; why waste your time and money at a dumpy place like this, with garbage people listening and dancing to garbage music?

In conclusion, don’t go to country bars unless you’re already quite inebriated, or you’re with your special significant other. Then, you’ll at least have an excuse.

Ayyyy what did PBR do to you? But straight fire. Cloyd Rivers parody accounts beware. Satirical Thoughts would like to introduce Brynne (@BrynneWHO) who tackles First Dates. This is historic as she is our first female taker.

I’m a cognitive scientist, and this guy eight years my senior took me to Perkins, and made up that he was writing a murder mystery about amnesia to impress me (aka get laid aka he obviously did not because PERKINS OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS).

I was mostly not impressed that he took me to Perkins, but also really not impressed when I watched Memento a year later and connected the dots.

I’m a vegetarian and one time my cousin set me up with this guy who turned out to be a butcher.

When I still lived in Philadelphia. I went on a coffee date with this guy, and I was really excited about it because I was trying to get over this other guy that I had recently dated who seemed so nice and intelligent but then actually turned about to be a relatively well connected drug dealer. Anyway, I go on a coffee date and the guy seems really nice and then all of a sudden out of nowhere he won’t stop talking about how passionate he is about break dancing.

The problem with first dates is that they are not romantic, they are just really really awkward, like romantic comedies only the laugh track fails to come on when your date fails to leave your apartment since, after all he did pay for two WHOLE rolls of sushi like one cultured, polite motherfucker. If we could bypass them but then also not fall into this terrible hook-up culture limbo where I have to let you do terrible dirty things to me on your beck and call but then also disappear the second I mention the existence of your mom and somehow this is what’s normal, I think the whole world would benefit. The best “first date” I’ve ever been on consisted of the guy making me a stir-fry (note: NOT a bitch artisan salad. I’m a vegetarian, not a delicate little fawn, have some goddamn respect already) and us sitting on the couch for five hours (my other favorite activity besides eating). We had already played beer pong at a competition at a bar two days before and drank after closing time (third favorite activity, OBVIOUSLY) in the back of the running store he worked in. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even wear makeup, and his mom accidentally showed up during our “date”, and it was still better than any first date I’ve ever been on.

We also have been together for 2 years and now live together.

The worst part is his best friend is the break dancer.

PERKINS? The first part of Brynne’s take is being used next week so expect more fire. But let’s talk about beaches and who else but Jamil (@Jamil_SF) to bring it home.

Summers used to be very fye. There was nothing better than sprinting out of the building on the last day of school to kick off 3 straight months without class and without weak school lunches of pizza and peaches and corn and milk. Disgusting. Summers are a bit different as an adult. You work straight through the hottest months of the year (but at least I can choose what I want to eat now).

I get off the train and walk to my office and need to change clothes as soon as I get in from all the sweat. I look like Patrick Ewing at the free throw line before 10am. Casual Fridays consists of me rocking an NBA headband and color-coordinated shooting sleeves. Another overrated part of summer is the most symbolic summer destination: Beaches.

Before you come after me with pitchforks, just think about everything terrible about the beach vs. everything “good.” It’s hot as fuck. There’s no “going inside” when you get tired of it. There’s loud kids running around off their leashes. Sand is terrible. The ocean is filthy and it just so happens to be the living quarters of real creatures that can bite, sting, envelop, and kill you all before you can shout “Marco Polo.” Yes, the sound of the water and the breeze is soothing, but so is this “ocean sounds” app on my phone I can listen to in bed with the A/C on. Also dolphins rape people.

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (thirteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.

Every summer there is a song that’s so horrible that you can’t avoid it. Since we are unlikely to be cooped in, we tend to drive to places and have a good time and that means we are exposed to pop radio constantly. I don’t know if that’s a true theory.

Last year it was Rude, the song by the band you forgot. This year its Cheerleader by OMI who is like Taio Cruz if you remember who that was.

I would rather castrate a family member than link it to you, but odds are you have heard it so there’s no need for me to pretend to send it to you. You know this song and while it does sound innocent, and is admittedly catchy, let’s take a look at the lyrics.

Sounds nice enough. He is looking towards his queen, making him the submissive one in this relationship and I guess she’s a stone cold fox that is used to him groveling towards her.

she is always in my corner
right there when I want her
all these other girls are tempting
but I’m empty when you’re gone

Okay so she has his back all the time, listens to him bitch about probably not getting enough likes on Instagram but this motherfucker is still unsure if he wants to be with her? He’s easily tempted, we all are, but this jamoke clearly needs her 24/7. Right now I can only surmise that he goes out on the town and gets denied so he realizes he has someone at home.

and they say
do you need me
do you think I’m pretty
do I make you feel like cheating-
And I’m like no, not really ’cause

:rubs eyes:

What type of person introduces them to someone like this? “Do you need me in my life? Am I hot? Sex?” judging by how the questions are asked he definitely answered “yes” two the first ones but is “nah not really” when she asks to fornicate.

But why is OMI not cheating?

Oh I think that I found myself a cheerleader
she is always right there when I need her
oh I think that I found myself a cheerleader
she is always right there when I need her

Chorus. Jesus. He’s dating a person who is not quite friendzoned but uh, motivationalspeakerzone? This is the gonorrhea of musical enterprises because it makes my eyes burn. It’s almost even kinda sexist, not in the Qualuude riddled Blurred Lines way but just demeaning. Or is he just wack as fuck?

She walks like a model
she grants my wishes like a genie in a bottle yeah yeah

She’s magical.

’cause I’m the wizard of love

What the fuck does this mean?

And I got the magic wand

His dick.

all these other girls are tempting
but I’m empty when you’re gone
and they say
do you need me?
do you think I’m pretty?
Do I make you feel like cheating..
and I’m like no, not really cause’

Repeat chorus after this.

She gives me love and affection
baby did I mention, you’re the only girl for me

He did not. Half of this song is him debating other women while complimenting her left and right. She solves all of his problems, supports him and is probably the breadwinner. But those other girls ARE tempting with their questions on if he needs them.

no I don’t need a next one
mama loves you too, she thinks I made the right selection

“Son you can put your magical penis away, you really found the right one”

Happy Independence Day all! I hope you are remaining blissfully unaware of the Merica centric statuses clogging your feed and people who think the whole “undefeated in World Wars” is somehow creative.

If you are like me, odds are you absolutely hammered right now. I sure as hell am because :I have nothing clever to say here but just pretend I did:. I’m also conducting a yard sale in which not a single person has driven by so I’m pretty aroused you could say.

Anyway like most holidays that we celebrate or crib from other nations (St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo), what you drink says a lot about you. You should be drinking not just go get drunk but to do it in the right way. Fourth of July is perfect because it’s not really a holiday you celebrate with your family so it avoids fights and tears but also its not amateur hour (sup St. Paddy’s).

Without any more context, let’s cheers to beer and chug the right things.

Be A Cliché

I am violently anti-Budweiser. Besides their lame ass attack on craft beers, which made us all look like Mumford and Sons bassists, it’s a trash beer. It’s not fun like Keystone, it’s not annoying like Yuengling and not smooth like pilsners. It’s just colon based regurgitated ass water that sponsors American things.

However, it’s timeless like it or not. If ther is one day to do this, it’s today. Plus your parents probably like it, even if they don’t consider Dale Earnhardt to be a member of the holy trinity.

Stand Out

It is no secret I’m in love with Genesse Brewing Company. I’m still convinced I haven’t died yet because of Genny Cream Ale’s majestic healing powers. Still, like Budweiser, Genesse has rad patriotic cans and it’s probably cheaper, and better than Bud. I’m from South Jersey so Genesse isn’t the most well known brewing company but it should be. Plus you can still laugh at getting creamed instead of getting drunk cause I do.

Be Crafty

Yards has the Ales of the Revolution with tributes to Washington, Jefferson and Franklin (kinda the Crosby, Stills and Nash of the 1700s) and besides the Spruce Ale, all are awesomely drinkable. If you want to go craft, that might be your best option. Other ones I’m enjoying are the perfect summer beers that are the Hell or High Watermelon offered by 21st Amendment or the Purple Haze by Abita. I know some hate fruity beers, but they do serve a purpose.

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (thirteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.

Welcome to Hot Take Thursday, a new segment that will be featuring long time friend Jamil Larkins who is ready to be heated. Hot Take Thursday is not for the weak of heart or ones that can’t be insulted (except me since this is my blog) because we are about to throw straight fire on your monitors. We are bringing the thunderdome to your PDFs. I don’t know what the hell that means but the heat is on.

Let’s start off with Jamil bringing the heat on ketchup:

What’s the most popular condiment in the United States of America? Correct, that’s ketchup. What’s the most trash condiment in the United States of America? Correct, that’s also ketchup. What sort of rugrat even invented ketchup? “Hey these tomatoes suck, let’s mash them up and add a bunch of sugar! That will make them better!” WRONG. I’m 24 years old. I’ve lived enough to understand there’s three types of people who eat ketchup. 1) Children. 2) People who can’t cook and need their food to taste better by slathering it in red sugar sauce, which, in that case, grow up, beloveds. 3) The Eastern European tourists in Times Square that put ketchup on everything they order from the halal cart because it’s American. Which do you fall under?

Take that Middle America.

My turn.

Yuengling is the worst god damn beer in this country. Its what wack party houses throw in kegs because they want to stand out from the Keystones and Nattys, but unlike those two beers there isn’t a redeeming thing about the brick-colored “lager”. Yuengling is for Dads who think Lynyrd Skynyrd mattered in pop culture and those who want “grit” out of their players and probably would issue a fatwa on Yaisel Puig. Yuengling is the beer of choice of people who share Chris Kyle memes and think Landshark is a pricey beer. The worst about Yuengling? Its like the one last institution Pennsylvanians are proud of. Its for people who pretend to be flummoxed in Philly when they live twenty minutes outside of it but also for some reason take pride in “Pennsatucky”. Like they think its cool that the state is like JUST ANY OTHER STATE in that it has a couple cities and a lot of woods. Have you seen New York without NYC and New Jersey without bankers and beachgoers? SAME THING. Your bigots aren’t even special. I saw a Confederate flag in Rhode Island once! (Note: I didn’t.)

Who is ready to see The Beatles get shit on? As a Beatles fan, I’M NOT! As someone who hates “nowadays”, I’m IN (sup Tinder).

Take it away Mil

The Beatles are terrible. I hope you too can come to this realization soon. The Beatles are the Babe Ruth of music bands. People like to talk about the legend of how big they were, how perfect they were, how popular they were, when today they would be singing break up songs somewhere in Williamsburg on the let out of an Arctic Monkeys concert. Go listen to some James Brown and dance while you think about this. Go debate the barber on Penny Lane if you disagree.

Just give Magical Mystery Tour a shot.

While I lick my wounds, I gotta get something off my chest. Netflix is awesome but we know you like it.

Why are we replacing something-something latte with Netflix? Why is staying in and watching TV episodes (does anyone watch movies on Netflix by the way?) on a billion dollar platform somehow something that makes you quirky? Why are people fishing for dates bragging about having a Netflix account like its Tidal?

You mad? We were fairly PG for the most part, but you want in? We are looking for new takers but do me a favor and follow Jamil on Twitter