A Money Tree Wand. An ex-banker’s note book of spells. Objects of a double life. A financial wizard who was just a muggle with no magical ability. A wizard comedian willing to train the ex-banker in the Dark Arts of Wizard Bastardry. Now, the banker is running a country and the comedian is dead. Enter, an Amazonian reporter packing Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth. This is the incredible story of how wizard comedian Rik Mayall conjured the ‘smiling assassin’, AKA John Key, New Zealand’s prime minister. Although numerous parliamentary press reporters in New Zealand witnessed John Key’s Lasso of Truth Interview, none have run stories to expose the shocking truth. The NewStatesman, in association with SnoopmanNews, reports the intrigue here.

From Muggle to Wizard: Ex-Banker’s Suppressed Lasso of Truth Interview.

Written by Simon Twoleftfeet

(Based on Reporting by Sophia Bigg-Storm) 21 June 2014

English Comedian, Rik Mayall, who died on June 9 in London[1], once trained New Zealand’s current prime minister, John Key, in the Dark Art of Wizard Bastardry, while the former investment banker-turned politician started work at Merrill Lynch in London.

It has emerged that Key’s killer smile originally came from Rik Mayall. More specifically, it was inspired by a character Rik Mayall played, Alan Beresford B’Stard, an ambitiously greedy, obnoxious and scruple-deficient Conservative Party MP, in the British television satire series, The New Statesman (1987-1992).[4] The fictional Tory MP is one of British comedy’s best-known bastards.

Comic Wizard: Mayall’s fans did not realize he used magic to be funny.

Beginning in the northern winter of 1995, Key met Mayall once a week on Wednesday nights, a day the pair called “Wicked Wednesday’s”, for private tutorials that began at the Mayall’s family home. The instruction Mayall gave Key was more than the usual techniques of acting, such as knowing your character inside out.

The tuition quickly became occult when Mayall discovered Key did not know a thing about magic.

Mayall met Key when the investment banker accosted the comedian at the old world headquarters of the BBC, in reception. Key propositioned Mayall to teach him “bastard tricks”. But because Key, like most New Zealanders, slurs his vowels even when sober, the English comedian thought the former bond and derivatives trader was telling him that a consignment of bio-engineered sheep were held up in busted trucks.[5]

Evidently, Mayall’s reaction was to pull his famous ‘glare face’, and he flashed a look at a BBC security guard, Bob Batton-Wheelder, to remove the hazard because he thought Key was mad. But, when the former BBC security guard, translated Key’s request, Mayall raised his eye-brow. Batton-Wheelder says Mayall’s devious grin grew as he heard Key say clear enough, “I’ve got loads of money. I’m a banker.” Key told Mayall he wanted to be New Zealand’s leading statesman.[6]

At first Key was cagey about his relationship with Rik Mayall, but fortunately the reporter, Sophia Bigg-Storm, anticipated the prime minister’s famous defence mechanisms. Being part-Amazonian, her native people gave her a gift so precious, most reporters would kill for it: Wonder Women’s Lasso of Truth.

Bigg-Storm mentioned to Key that she was part Amazonian. Key replied in all seriousness, “Midas, I always wanted to go there!” Having distracted the prime minister with the male fantasy of being holed up on an island inhabited exclusively by gorgeous women, Bigg-Storm left her cleavage unguarded for gorkelling, providing further distraction so that the intrepid reporter could slip the Lasso of Truth over the prime minister’s head, before his skull-encased brain knew what was happening.

When Key said, “You got a great rack”, Bigg-Storm knew the lasso worked.

Honest John: Under the influence of Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

Under the influence of the Lasso of Truth, John Key divulged that he and his wife, Bronagh, shared Christmas Eve of 1995 with Rik Mayall and his wife, Barbara, who had a ponytail that John enjoyed pulling. The Mayall’s gave John a magic wand, and Bronagh, a magic broom. The Keys did not realize they were real and thought it was “just funny.”

Rik Mayall teased John Key saying, “it’s what every banker secretly wishes for, the power to conjure money in every land out of annoyingly thin air.” The English comedian had assumed that the investment banker was a financial wizard, of the magical kind.

When Rik Mayall realized John Key was just a muggle, he resolved to mentor the banker in the Dark Art of Wizard Bastardry. But, the only way for a wizard (or witch) to bestow muggles with wizard (or witch) powers that have no innate magical ability is to give them regular blood transfusions. Hence, ‘The Key B’Stard Project’, as the pair called it, required that they meet every week and use the time for tuition, while Key absorbed wizard blood.[8]

Under the Influence of the Lasso of Truth

Under the tuition of Wizard Rik Mayall, John Key received what was essentially a post-graduate degree in dark magic. For three months they met at Mayall’s home, and then after that at the Leaky Cauldron tavern, 0n Daring Road, in London. Mayall had lent his Invisibility Cloak to Key so that he would not be seen entering or leaving his home or the tavern.

Spelling for Bad: Ex-Merrill Lynch Wizard Banker’s note book.

Mayall instructed Key to swat up on spells. The investment banker found himself fixated at first on the ones beginning with S, such as the Stealth Sensoring Spell, Specialis Revelio and the classic Switching Spell. Key said he found himself “quite subconsciously” striking vertical lines “through each of the ‘S’s transforming them into dollar signs.”

“That’s was when I hit upon the idea of running the Muggle-Wizarding currency exchange unit at the goblin-run Gringotts Wizarding Bank”, the former Merrill Lynch banker said, smiling the assassin’s smile.

Mapping Fortunes: Merrill Lynch banker John Key dared to know Who’s Who in the Magical Realm and Muggles WorldThat Goblin Bankers Must Not Name.

Because he knew the goblins would not let any human, especially a muggle, run Gringotts Wizarding Bank, he used the Specialis Revelio spell to gain the leverage he needed. Specialis Revelio, which wizards and witches use to reveal an objects secrets or magical properties, is Key’s favorite spell.

Merrill Lynch’s head of global foreign exchange was able to locate the financial claims to wealth not only hidden within the City of London’s financial district. Key was also able to track and tabulate the wealth stored in Gringotts Wizarding Bank and, most importantly, the biggest fortunes: Their Identities The Bankers Must Not Name To Whom They Belonged.

Not Just Fiction: Security camera footage of Gringotts Bank, City of London, released by the Ministry of Magic following an official information request.

“I mapped the secret magical riches stashed in the enchanted City of London. As any Muggle cartographer will tell you, new maps of the world are valuable tools for conquest,” said Key gleefully.

Key got to run the Muggle-Wizarding currency exchange at Gringotts.

“The hilarious thing is you see this vast network of vaults and magic carts traveling on tracks depicted in the Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, and the world’s movie-going Muggles think it’s just fiction” said Key chuckling.

Under the influence of the Lasso of Truth, Key revealed that a Fraternity of Dark Capitalist Wizards evade taxes and move capital freely in the Muggles World. Indeed, they have constructed a Worldwide Financial Wizard Haven Complex that is sponsored by many Muggles states, including the United Kingdom and the United States.[9] “Meanwhile, Muggles pay taxes”, said Key.

These Financial Wizard Havens have sprung up wherever there was a goblin bank.[10] “That’s what the Global Financial Crisis of 2008 was really about”, said Key. “There’s a financial war going on between goblins and financial wizards for control of the banks, and in-turn to control whole societies through debt.[11] The wizards working with the light side of the force are trying to stop it”, said Key, matter-of-factly. But, because events behind ‘the news’ are controlled by highly-networked Dark Wizard Satirists, Muggle journalists, editors and current affairs hosts fail to realize the extent to which their attempts to inform the vegged-out Muggle populations are undermined.[12]

B’Stard Hand Gestures: Interjecting in an interview to reiterate being right, often, gets bastards safely through to the ads. In these studio interviews, Rik Mayall as Alan B’Stard (left) points the ‘finger of blame’; and John ‘Hold-on’ Key as Himself (right, always).

Financial Maelstrom: The spread of an ’emotional contagion’ through news propaganda masked the engineered nature of the global financial crisis.

The ex-banker elaborated that the tax-funded bailouts by three US federal institutions came to colossal cumulative sum of $46.613 trillion, a figure that belied the claim that bankers are more trustworthy than politicians.[17] The smiling assassin explained this bailout, that re-inflated the asset portfolios of rich and super-rich dark wizards, witches and muggles, showed a constant roll-over of new debt servicing old debt had occurred; and how assets in the ‘real economy’ are appropriated by the creation of myriad paper claims to wealth, such as derivatives, private credit and public debt.

Shock Treatments: Military violence, economic warfare and propaganda are required to spread the ‘economic medicine’ of ‘free markets’.

While bound to be honest by the power of the enchanted golden chord, John Key said it was remarkable that Muggles everywhere had failed to gain back most of their ancestral lands lost over centuries of conquest by the Dark Wizards. He said, “Muggles are such suckers for war propaganda that they’ve come to believe war is a part of human nature. Really?” Key said chuckling, for rhetorical effect. “If war is just a part of human nature, then how come Hitler had to shout so hard?” he guffawed.

“Through these various kinds of warfare,” Key continued once his assassin’s smile had regained control of his face, “the Dark Wizards and Witches have come to own vast tracts of land and control much of the rest collectively, under the construct of nation states, and other smaller and larger political units. By engineering these crises, these Dark Forces have accumulated enormous power, and they use it to ensure that cash in any economy is scarce”, he explained, smiling like as an assassin with an aesthetic taste for mayhem.

Mechanisms of Coercion: 63,000 rich and super-rich people possess $39 trillion in wealth, while 800 million people are starving.[22]

“Common words associated with banking such as ‘loans’, ‘lending’ and ‘borrower’, are used as marketing tools to deceive the Muggles populace,” explained New Zealand’s prime minister, as though somewhere deep inside it was paining him to ‘unpeel’ this layer of the ‘banking onion’.[23] “Banks don’t actually lend the money they receive as deposits.”

It seems that bankers from the Magical Realm are sticklers for balancing the books, as far as it suits them. Forests of money trees grow wherever real forests of the Muggles World have been destroyed by Muggles for economic gain (often under a spell).[31] Furthermore, if a wizard banker desires to gain more wealth in the Wizard World, it is crucial that he possesses a Money Tree Wand that is made of wood from the same land to be exploited. Such wands also have to be made in the same land the wood came from too.

Not surprisingly, in the circumstances, John Key possesses a Money Tree Wand, made of Kauri wood, that he cut from a young sapling growing under a great Kauri tree called Tāne Mahuta, that lives in the far north of New Zealand. In addition to exploiting a land for economic gain, and the power that confers, Money Tree Wands can be used for all other spells.

It turns out that the last time John Key saw Rik Mayall was shortly after the English comedian had his alleged quad bike accident in April 1998, an accident that fractured his skull.[32] But, John Key divulged that Mayall fell from his broomstick, because the young dark wizard banker stiff-armed the comedian who gave chase because Key threatened to blow up his house.

Mayall and Key had an altercation one morning when John was flying on Bronagh’s broomstick to work following the Thames River, under the cover of Mayall’s Invisibility Cloak. Mayall was furious with Key when he found out that the Anglo-American Dark Wizards of Banking had caused the Asian Financial Crisis, which started in 1997.[33]

“Rik could see that such a criminal group, if left at-large, would plot bigger and bolder power crimes”, said Key.[34] Mayall wanted Key to blow the whistle. As they flew at speed under Tower Bridge as it was being raised to allow a ship to pass through, Key said, “Look Rik, it’s not going to happen. I’m making fuckloads of money, beyond my darkest happy dreams. And besides, its fun watching Muggles struggle up here from Bronagh’s broomstick.” According to Key, under the Lasso of Truth’s powers, Mayall replied, “That’s the problem with you bankers, your psychopathic dreams are the world’s nightmares!”

Broom-stick Chase: Rik Mayall pursued John Key as they rode magic brooms at high speed under Tower Bridge, London, while arguing about financial wizardry.

Key said he could tell Mayall, who tracked the banker down using the Specialis Revelio spell, was going to keep following him to work and “make a scene.” Merrill was deep in Dark Financial Wizardry like the rest of the Dark Wizards’ global banking cartel, Key acknowledged.

Then the chase was on to the Mayall’s house and the English comedian attempted to zap his prodigy with attack spells. Although Bronagh’s broomstick was faster than Mayall’s, Key said he could only avoid the comedian “unfunny zaps” for so long. When Key was near Mayall’s house, he stopped abruptly in mid-air, jolted his arm out and braced himself for the impact.

But, whether through cunning, indifference or forgetfulness, Mayall had failed to tell Key there was one draw-back to being a Muggle without any innate magical ability that is mentored to become a wizard or witch. Mayall did not tell Key that if a mentor wizard dies, a muggle who has received wizard blood, because of the established lack of natural magical powers, will steadily lose magical strength.

“As soon as Rik hit the ground I lost control of Bronagh’s broom. I crashed into a pond”, said Key.

Key gave Mayall blood transfusions covertly during the night under the watchful eye of two great light-working wizards, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and Gandalf (who has always despised the sanitized history that universities teach). Throughout these hospital visits, Key smiled and that is how he became known as the ‘smiling assassin’.[35]

Smarmy Statesmen: Mayall found showing Key how to smile smarmily was the easiest thing to teach the banker. It became later known as the ‘smiling assassin’ smile, ostensibly because he smiled when firing hundreds of his staff.

Since Rik Mayall died properly this time on June 9 2014, most of John Key’s powers have gone. The prime minister of Middle Earth, as New Zealand is also known, said the first to go are the attacking powers, and then eventually all the powers of defence. At interviews-end, Key performed a Reducio charm on himself with his kauri-wood Money Tree Wand, while holding onto a nearby door handle to his office. In a moment, Key shrank himself so small that he could stand on the door handle, and then he plunged and pulled himself into the keyhole and disappeared into the room.

Through his keyhole, he grumbled to be left alone because he needed to find another Dark Wizard to be his wizard blood donor. The parliamentary press gallery reporters that had gathered around and witnessed this interview appeared to be having a cognitive dissonance reaction, which commonly afflicts Muggles when they are confronted with information that conflicts with the darkly satirical news stories they are regularly fed by mainstream Muggle media outlets that the Dark Wizards control.

Wizards and Witches Wish for Mutiny

The Professor who provided the tip-off that Rik Mayall and John Key had a past together, Michael Hudson at the University of Missouri, said that many wizard and witches were preparing to whistle blow on the Dark Wizards and Witches that had enslaved the world in debt.[38] The professor said, “what whistle blowers needed right now is the support of the public.” (He regards the term Muggles as derogatory).

Grizzly Gandalf: Great Wizard Gandalf was furious when he found out the Dark Wizard John Key had become Middle Earth’s political leader.

Those Light-working Wizards and Witches, who have evidence to reveal, need to see a heightened interest in such power crimes from ordinary people.[39]

Wizard Gandalf, who had once mentored Hudson, agreed saying, “My wish for Muggles and Hobbits all around the world is this: Be Revolting!”

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This satirical story is a tribute to Rik Mayall, a comic genius who inspired us all at Snoopman News to try to be funny everyday, even while we can’t forget that we are being fucked in arse by bankers, and mindful that too many vegged-out Muggles and Hobbits don’t know about the Dark Wizards to ‘give a shit’.

[28] Ben Heather & Stacey Kirk. (2013, December 9). One in four Kiwi children living in poverty. The Dominion Post. Retrieved from http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/9492631/One-in-four-Kiwi-children-living-in-poverty; Bryan Bruce. (2013, August 29). Mind the Gap. Inside New Zealand. TV3. Retrieved from http://www.tv3.co.nz/INSIDE-NEW-ZEALAND-Mind-The-Gap/tabid/3692/articleID/94816/Default.aspx; Greg Dixon. (2013, August 31). Greg Dixon: Walk down struggle street. The New Zealand Herald. Retrieved from http://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=11117097

[29] Money as Debt II. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsmbWBpnCNk; Michael Rowbotham. The Grip of Death: A Study in Modern Money, Debt Slavery and Destructive Economics.