you communicated in that last post very well. let me encourage you to try doing that a bit more with your family. i know that is hard - but you may well gain more than you risk.

you show a great deal of maturity , self-awareness and insight in what you have written here. it bodes well for your recovery. keep up the good work.

lee

Edited by traveler (02/06/1408:54 PM)

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

thanks for the responses they are helpful!i am talking to my parents (well, my mom; my dad is a very quiet and withdrawn person) about it way more than i'd like to right now. and as the result of the most recent conversation, i'm terribly conflicted at the moment. she said "you need to forgive him, or it'll consume you. you're hurting yourself by not forgiving him". well, this is something that i understand, have understood for a long time, and, most of the time, i respect what my mom says. i've seen plenty of people be consumed by rage.but I've also been swayed by you guys. i wonder if she is just wanting me to forgive him so she can have the ideal family unit again, or a prettier picture to broadcast to the outside world. it infuriates me that she said that i need to forgive him to recover! i feel like by saying that she practically placed 100%of the blame for my current situation on me! i did not do this to myself! and i don't have any obligation to forgive him! i wonder if she can ever understand how it is that i feel. i wonder if she's really on my side. i really don't want to forgive him at all right now.

i'm sorry i'm so changeable and conflicted, and i'm sorry that i can't communicate every detail of what is said and happens. i'm sorry i can't communicate clearly and objectively, and i'm sorry i can't communicate clearly how i feel either! none of those things are making it any easier for you guys to see where i'm at. but if i could ask you to give me one thing right now, i think it's be an answer to this; do i need to forgive him to recover? i know that i can take my time in getting there, but if i don't will rage be what i'm doomed to all of my life?

That's a really good question and people will give you different answers. I think ultimately you need to listen to yourself and accept yourself. You don't need to be sorry about anything. Look at how you are feeling and be ok with it. Do you feel rage? That's ok. Do you feel sad? that's ok. Any emotion you have is ok.

Someone telling you to forgive is not going to make it happen.

If you decide that forgiving him is part of your journey, that will come when it is ready. Pushing it too fast will make it not real. Many people will say that there comes a point where holding onto the rage is unhealthy. I think that if you learn to trust yourself and your emotions, you will know when that moment comes (if it comes). Trying to get to that point too fast will backfire. And you may hit points where you feel like you have forgiven him and then the pain and anger come back. That's normal and there's no reason to feel guilty or ashamed about it if it happens.

So I can't give you a definite "yes" or "no" about whether or not you need to one day forgive him. But either way now is the time to keep finding out about yourself. When/if forgiving him happens, it will be something that comes from inside you, not from someone else suggesting it.

i honestly believe that forgiving your abuser(s) is absolutely necessary for recovery and harmony, but only when you are ready.

it has to be sincere, genuine, desired, voluntary, natural and necessary... or it will have no worth, meaning or value.

it is something you will do for yourself, by yourself. it does not require any other person's involvement. the abuser(s) are not needed, and neither is their apology.

this is between you, yourself, and your spirit. and it will take as long as you require to get there. i believe it is one of the later steps, so you will probably not do it today or tomorrow. if you are not ready, do not rush or force it.

as you can see, it is a common discussion here, that usually triggers, and provokes controversy, and rarely gets resolved, because we survivors are at all different stages of our recovery. these links are only from the last year. there are likely 10 times that many discussions about forgiving on ms.org.

hope this helps you.

i would focus on staying safe and strong and sane for now. your health and welfare come first.

face the daily challenges, and build bridges and boats before you attempt to cross rivers and chasms.

Venting is healthy,it allows you to release pent up emotions and hurt. I have learned you cannot change how people think of CSA and you in the world of CSA. They have to want to change--but sadly old doctrines, controlling norms and people, and sadly their lack of knowledge and understanding hold them back from accepting the truth. Your situation is even more difficult, your parents being the parents to both you and your brother. Parents want to see the best in their children, but sadly it is not always the right view. This misdirected need to love and be loved by their children in conflicting situations only causes more harm to everyone as they deny the bad in their child.

Sadly, I have learned from many experts the emotional issues of childhood carry into adulthood and are only re-mediated when acknowledged and accepted. Only people who love themselves and see their value can admit they made mistakes, no one is perfect. You have taken great strides to face your past and acknowledge what happened to you. But sadly, your family has chosen to deny and make you the scapegoat. But do not let them take you down--vent--we are here to support you.

I have been violated by my mother in her inabilty to acknowledge her part in my abuse. Both as an abuser and as a responsible adult.

I agree with Concerned Husky in all he said. The need to vent and experience your rage is an essential part of any loss. The trauma of childhood sexual abuse is not only a loss, but the experience of soul murder.

You will know when and how your journey will take you to recovery. You are not responsible for your parents (your "mom's") reaction. It is painful and discounting your humanity. My mother was just as bad. (When I disclosed, she asked if I enjoyed being penatrated, when I said no, she said then I was OK. That was the only time she would even hear about - you can't tell me I feel so guilty about it.)

Please value yourself and know if it is confusing, if it angers you, these are your feelings. Don't let anyone deny you your right to have your own feelings.

I know you feel you must defend you mother and your sister. This is fine and compassionate. However, you must also defend yourself.

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