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July 19, 2009

Sword - The Shiny Truth

Saturday was party day. At least I thought so. Oh yes, I did go, and I ended up drinking some brilliant white wine and even more astonishing tiny pieces of appetizers all handmade and all made by some genius. The birthday girl was having fun, got tons of birthday gifts all nicely wrapped up for her. People came, laughed, drank wine, or water or both, spoke about old times, told me that they remembered me when I was eight and how cute I looked in that yellow dress with those little white polka dots, asked me about my past, and (of course) my future, asked why I'm not married yet (hello? Was this an interrogation or what?), laughed some more and talked some more until I had it. No outburst...you wish! No way! Never ever! I didn't want to hear stories again. Not from strangers, not from people who know me but I don't have the slightest idea who they are. At one point I ended up going outside, standing amongst people I had never seen nor ever talked to, letting the sun shine onto my pale face and ponder. The air was fresh, right after a heavy storm. Dark clouds slowly disappeared and the sun peaked through. It was a perfect moment. It felt right. And all I could think was "what the hell am I doing here?" and "do I really belong here?". Thankfully mom was around so I wasn't completely alone but everyone seemed to know one another and I seemed not to belong. An awkward feeling. I'm not against talking, nor mingling, nor anything coming close to getting to know people but this party was different. I felt like a tourist not knowing where she is and what she's doing there holding her second (or was it her third) glass of wine. Language wasn't the problem. Main languages spoken were the local dialect and English. The latter mainly to comfort a girl (not me, if you thought so) so she wouldn't feel left out. Then, why did I feel I didn't belong?!

The day passed and I went back home. On my way home I continued reading my book. I take books everywhere. They are my companions when I'm alone which is most of the time. When I get bored I read. When I feel like it I read. When I'm alone I do tend to see the book as my friend. Plus, no matter what you read it's pure entertainment and a way to broaden your mind, and vocabulary. So, I'm reading the book and out of nowhere the author quotes and writes something I thought was worth sharing. She wrote:

... Virginia Woolf wrote: "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword." On one side of that sword there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous. ...

I read this, and I simply loved it.
I'm lucky I have my knack for some languages, some of my writing and the will not to let go and continue my search of happiness. Though the above mentioned paragraph made me think for the rest of the night. I chose the other side of the sword. I chose not to follow convention. And, yes, my life's confusion. Nothing is what it's supposed to be. It sure has brought interesting moments along its path (and I'm sure there are many more)...but as she said...it is already more perilous. I can hold on to my languages, my writing maybe but the confusion is there. I feel it. I know it.
As I said, reading a book, reading a friend, helps me broaden my mind. It sure did yesterday!

1 comment
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My friend has read this book and rates it as one of her favourites. I am a total book a holic - I take them everywhere and nothing actually makes me happier than getting lost in a book a lot of the time.