Sunday, 4 September 2016

My Wikipedia wasn't comprehensive enough.

1981 – Wins first prize in beautiful baby competition (sponsored by Farley's Rusks) creating delusions of greatness from which he never fully recovers.

1984 – First public singing performance as part of Heatherland First Schools rendition of 'The Nativity'. Eddie performs as part of the choir and is politely asked by the director Mrs Sommers if he can sing a lot more quietly, or perhaps just mouth the words.

1985 – Diagnosed as Dyspraxic

1987 – Whilst on holiday with family in Edinburgh witnesses an oriental porcelain figurine slowly turn its head to look at him, a feat also seen by his younger brother.

1988 – Creates first sculpture 'Heavy Plant Crossing' for Branksome Heath Middle School's book week competition in which pupils are inexplicably asked to create some fictional horticulture. Wins first prize which is a book of collected comic verse.

1989 – Attempts to learn the euphonium.

1989 – Using felt tips and card creates the Beano and Dandy series of drawings.

1996– Attends Poole Technical High School to study Law, Sociology and English Literature. Walks to school everyday with Ian Catskilkin.

1996 – Attempts to learn the guitar.

1997 – Learns how to play the vacuum cleaner as a musical instrument and forms The Art Goblins with Bob Oblivion the ' Beer Poet'. They play two live shows both entirely improvised. The first an incredible success to rapturous applause, the second a work of misunderstood genius.

1998 – Meets Jasper Future, forms the Art Goblins MkII, no improvisation this time, just banging pop tunes about Britpop.

1998 – Writes a sociology paper about the A Team subtly using the Frank Sinatra song 'My Way' as the template for the concluding paragraphs – which begin 'Regrets, I've had a few during this piece of course work' and end ' I used the library and information superhighway, but more, much more than this I did it my way' – fails Sociology.

1998 – In the written exam for English literature, describes in intricate detail why Thomas Hardy is a boring curmudgeon, the question was about John Donne – fails English Literature.

1999– Becomes a postman.

1999 – With The Art Goblins records the 'I Wanna Be Johnny Dean' EP and then later the same year creates the 'I Wanna Be Johnny Dean' short film using second hand super 8 camera.

1999- Is the first man ever to span the Ashley Cross fountain (fingernails to toes as a human bridge) in Poole Dorset.

2003 - Art Brut self release 'Brutlegs '03' produced by Keith Totp and containing the songs Moving To LA, Modern Art and Formed a Band. A small number of Brutlegs are released into the wild, this mainly involves being intentionally left on buses for strangers to find. Each Brutleg comes with a note tucked inside asking the person who finds it to get in touch and to let the band know what they think of the songs. Art Brut hear back from one person that the Brutleg had got as far as Kent - no comment is made on the music.

2003 – Art Brut start franchise movement, encouraging other bands to form and use the name Art Brut. Over a hundred other Art Brut's spring up from such far flung places as Moscow, Russia, West Texa USA and St Albans, UK.

2003 – Art Brut sign 'non contractual agreement' with Angular Records at a trig point on a hill in Ladywell, South London. It allows Angular Records to put brutleg demo version of 'Formed a Band' on to their compilation album 'New Cross; An Angular Sampler'

2004 – Art Brut's Brutleg demo of 'Formed a Band' promoted to single status and released by Rough Trade record company worldwide.

2004 – Brutlegs '04 produced by Keith Totp self released by Art Brut the EP contains Bang Bang Rock and Roll, Good Weekend and an acoustic version of Moving To LA.

2004 – Named 44th Coolest person in the world by NME music magazine.

2004 – Art Brut headline free show at Tate museum in London.

2004 - Art Brut record 'Top Of The Pops' song for Angular Records compilation album 'Rip Off Your Labels' with backing vocals from The Long Blondes, The Violets, The Fucks, The Swear, Luxemburg, Ciccone, Abdoujaparov amongst many other south London bands.

2005 – Art Brut single My Little Brother/Modern Art released by Fierce Panda. The sleeves for 1000, 7” records all individually painted by the audience at a special launch celebration.

2005 – Has essay 'How To Form A Band' (co-written with Keith Totp) published in The Idler magazine.

2005 – Bang, Bang Rock and Roll Art Brut's debut album produced by John Fortis released on Fierce Panda records.

2005 – Art Brut Emily Kane single released on Fierce Panda and reaches 41 in the UK pop charts, missing out on top 40 by two sales. - still Fierce Panda's highest charting single.

2005 – Appears on front cover of Rolling Stone Magazine, Germany.

2005 – Has essay 'Gang of Four vs Crackheads' about the state of British indie music published in Spin music magazine.

2005 – Not placed in the NME cool list.

2006 – Whilst out drinking is punched in the face by Kele Okereke from the band Bloc Party.

2006 – Art Brut appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live - American talk show.

2006 – Loses standing still competition with Liam Gallagher from Oasis backstage at the Alsterhalle stadium in Hamburg.

2006 – Art Brut release Good Weekend single on Fierce Panda.

2006 – Art Brut self release split single with We Are Scientists. They cover each others songs with We Are Scientists covering 'Bang Bang Rock and Roll' and Art Brut covering 'The Great Escape'

2006 – Grows moustache

2006 – Art Brut have portrait taken by photographer David Bailey for GQ. It is not a very good photograph but GQ publishes against Art Brut's advice.

2006 – Not placed in the NME Cool list.

2007 – Creates run of twenty small 'Barcode Trees' paintings on canvas (5”x7”) in acrylic and sells with exclusive song 'Thanks For Buying A Painting' – co-written with Keith TOTP

2007 – Has essay ' Why I love Top Of The Pops' about the television program Top Of The Pops published in NME music magazine.

2007 – Art Brut release Nag Nag Nag Nag single on EMI records.

2007 – Art Goblins release 'Disco/ Fuck The MSP' single on glow in the dark 7” via Filthy Little Angles Records - Vinyl single of the week in the NME.

2007 – Named 23rd coolest person in the world by NME music magazine.

2007 – Art Brut 7th best live band in the world as decided by Spin music magazine.

2007 – Art Brut album It's A Bit Complicated released on EMI/Downtown records

2007 – Art Brut franchises have battle of the bands competition in pub in North London to see who is the best Art Brut. Art Brut 7 win. The original Art Brut are not invited and only learn of the competition when hearing the results announced on London based radio station Xfm.

2008 – Forms the supergroup 'At Last, The English Traveling Wilbury's' with Vessel from David Devant and His Spirit Wife, Luke Haines formerly of The Auteurs, John Moore from John Moore's Expressway and the Jesus and Mary Chain, Keith Totp and Frank Sidebottom. They perform one show recorded live for BBC 6 Music's Harvest Festival. Frank Sidebottom gets the dates wrong and misses the performance sending his apoligies from Timperly, Manchester.

2008 - Essay about the musical group The Indelicates published in German music magazine Intro

2008 – Begins recreating 'Formed a Band' cassette painting on various sized canvases to date has made more than two hundred hand painted copies, the process is ongoing.

2008 – Not placed in NME cool list.

2008 – Collaborates on Christmas single ' Christmas Number One' with Luke Haines, John Moore and Sarah Nixey from Black Box Recorder also with Keith Totp. Released under the name the Black Arts. The single does not chart.

2009 – Has essay about living in Los Angeles published by Black Books magazine.

2010 – Forms Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now art movement whose sole aim is to stand up for the underdogs in pop music by illustrating their often neglected point of view utilizing high quality audio recordings.

2010 – Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now's manifesto 'Fixin' The Charts Volume One' – the worlds first entirely post modern pop album - is recorded in Joshua Tree California with producer David Newton and piano player Dyan Valdes. The choice of location chosen as a riposte to U2 - who only pretended to record in Joshua Tree.

2010 – Performs Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now series of musical lectures across the United States and Europe. Their manifesto 'Fixin' The Charts Volume One' is released worldwide by Cooking Vinyl.

2010 – Creates 'Postcard' series of paintings - A painting of a postcard for every venue Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now performed at.

2010 – Writes open letter to Axl Rose the lead singer of Guns and Roses via the pages of Art Rocker music magazine imparting advice on how Guns and Roses could improve their live shows. Axl rose does not respond.

2011 – Forms band Spoiler Alert! with the intent to record a song about his favourite superheroes from the DC Comic universe in alphabetical order – the first EP released on Corporate Records detailing the lives of Batman, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold

2011 – DC Comics reset all their comic titles to 0 wiping out decades of interesting back stories for their characters. Spoiler Alert! disband in protest.

2011 – Art Brut first band to ever sell out The Lexington in London 5 nights in a row.

2011 – Creates second run of 'Sealandscape' paintings acrylic on canvas ( 5” x 7”), second run of 'Fuck Rock Let's Art' paintings acrylic on canvas (5” x “7) and third run of 'Clever Clever Jazz' paintings (5” x 7”)

2011 – The song 'Sealand' recieves royal approval from Prince Michael of Sealand who in an email claims 'A lot of shit has been written about Sealand but this song is genuinely moving' Sadly he is not moved enough to give Eddie a knighthood.

2011 – Not placed on the NME cool list.

2012 – Credited as musical supervisor and host on ZDF's television show Berlin Live.

2012 – As a futile protest against download culture, self releases 'Fuck Rock Lets Chart', a retrospective of The Art Goblins musical career, on hand painted cassette tapes, each album comes with a signed certificate declaring that the album is an actual solid object.

2012 – Not placed in the NME cool list.

2012 – Creates 'Pompidou Rock Out Modern Art' painting acrylic on canvas for Black Francis on behalf of Violet Clark

2013 – Has essays on the band Man or Astro-Man?, accidentally writing a rock musical and the musical group Future of The Left published online by The Talkhouse a website whose writing is chosen and edited by acclaimed author and journalist Michael Azerad

2013 – Writes and performs songs with Jim Moray for the lo-fi musical The Islanders. The book is written by Amy C Mason and details her relationship with Eddie Argos in the late 90's.

2013 – Becomes 'Agony Uncle' for music magazine This Is Fake DIY and helps to solve problems suffered by other artists. Icona Pop, Wayne Coyne, Peace and Gruff Rhys are all grateful to receive advice from Eddie Argos.

2013 – Considers moving to Hebden Bridge, North England.

2013 – Creates and sells a 112 pocket money versions of 'Death To Everything That Is Not Guitar Music' paintings in the space of one month.

2013 – Performs The Islanders with Jim Moray and Amy Mason in a month long residency at Edinburgh's fringe arts festival. The musical is produced by Show and Tell in collaboration with the Old Vic Bristol.

2013 – With Albert Wager weekly hosts Berlin's only English language radio show 'Off the Record'

2014 – Joins Amy Mason and Jim Moray on taking The Islanders on a farewwell tour of the UK. Where it gets mainly 5 star reviews like this one.

2014 – Paints the farewell series of paintings saying good bye to his favourite motifs. One motif every two weeks. He says goodbye to the Clever Clever Jazz, Fuck Rock Lets Art, Wam! Bang! Pow! Lets Rock Out!, Death To Everything (That Is Not Guitar Music) and Sealand paintings by making them over and over and numbering them. Makes and sells over 400 paintings over two months. With Death To Everything (That Is Not Guitar Music) being the most popular with 117 copies sold.

2014 – Becomes a father to Jackpot Batman Argos.

2014 – Self publishes 'Fuck Rock Lets Art' a collection of essays about his paintings. The book is limited to 100 copies and each comes with a hand painted front cover.