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We all love to complain. It won’t take an extensive observation to reason that it’s something we love to do as human beings. We tend to feel better once we have a good moan. Getting things off our chests seems to relieve a burden or two. A problem shared is a problem halved, right?

I have caught myself complaining a lot lately about a project that I’m doing. At the same time, research shows that most people complain once a minute during a typical conversation. It is tempting to complain because at that moment it feels good. However, like many other things that are enjoyable, such as smoking or consuming too much alcohol, complaining isn’t good for you.

How Your Brain Works

Writer Steven Parton describes in his post on Medium: “Throughout your brain, there is a collection of synapses separated by empty space called the synaptic cleft. Whenever you have a thought, one synapse shoots a chemical across the cleft to another synapse, thus building a bridge over which an electric signal can cross, carrying along its charge the relevant information you’re thinking about.”

He continues: “Every time this electrical charge is triggered, the synapses grow closer together in order to decrease the distance the electrical charge has to cross… The brain is rewiring its own circuitry, physically changing itself, to make it easier and more likely that the proper synapses will share the chemical link and thus spark together – in essence, making it easier for the thought to trigger.”

From Temporary To A Fixed Habit

If you think about what Parton described, your brain loves efficiency – it doesn’t like to work any harder than it has to. When you repeat a behaviour, your synapses reach out to each other to shorten the flow of information. This makes it easier to repeat that behaviour in the future. And can you really blame your brain for making such connections?

Here’s a practical example: Who would want to build a temporary bridge every single time you need to cross a river? That would be a waste of time and effort. It makes a lot more sense to build a permanent bridge.

That’s exactly what your brain is doing: Your neurons grow closer to each other and the connections between them become more fixed.

As time passes, you find it’s easier to be negative than to be positive, regardless of what goods happening around you. Then complaining becomes your default behaviour, which changes how people perceive you.

We As Humans

Since human beings are inherently social, our brains naturally and unconsciously mimic the moods of those around us, particularly people we spend a great deal of time with and it’s the basis for our ability to feel empathy.

The flip side, however, is that you don’t have to complain yourself to suffer its ill effects. You have to be careful about spending time with people who complain about everything. Complainers want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s better to distance yourself.

Besides that, here are two things you can do when you feel the need to complain:

1. Engage In Solution-Focused Complaining

The first thing you can do is to engage in complaining that is solution-focused. This is applicable when you have something that is truly worth complaining about – see it as complaining with a purpose. Solution-oriented complaining should do the following:

Make your purpose clear. Before complaining, identify what outcome you’re looking for. If you can’t identify a purpose, there’s a good chance you just want to complain for the sake of complaining, and that’s the kind you want to avoid at all costs.

Start off positively. Starting positively helps to keep the other person from getting defensive. For example, before rushing into a complaint about poor customer service, you could say something like, “I have always been thoughtfully assisted with your service, but…”

Specify the situation. When you’re complaining, don’t search up every minor annoyance from the past years. Just address the current situation and be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, “You have treated me poorly,” describe specifically what that person did wrong.

End positively. If you end your complaint with, “I’m never shopping here again,” the person who’s listening is not motivated to act on your complaint. In that case, you’re just complaining with no purpose other than to complain. Instead, restate your purpose, as well as your hope that the desired result can be achieved, for example, “I would like to solve this so that we can remain doing businesses.”

2. Practice Gratitude

The second thing is the practice of gratitude. When you feel like complaining, shift your attention to something that you’re grateful for. Taking time to consider what you’re grateful for reduces the stress hormone by 23%.

Whenever you experience negative thoughts, use this as a signal to shift gears towards thinking about something positive. In time, a positive attitude will become a way of life.

When was the last time you caught yourself complaining?

What is your failproof way to stop complaining?

How do you deal with people complaining to you?

Have your say in the comment section 🙂

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I definitely distance myself from complainers who are not solution-oriented complainers. I like people who have high standards and who are motivated to positively address issues that cause them annoyance and irritation. These are the types of people who bring about change rather than wallow in a pity party. A gratitude practice is an absolute must!! Thank-you for this thoughtful post.

I really like this idea of solution-focused complaining; it seems to be much more productive, and it’s one of those things that is not taught in school. When we people were told to express yourselves, there was no guidance on what that should look like. In our current society, people tend to rant about anything, even if their grievance is not rational.

Great post Ye! I know I complain, but after reading your article I am going to give an honest effort to try and be more aware of how much I complain. It’s something we all do and I don’t think we even really give it much thought. I know I didn’t until reading this. Thanks for sharing!

Such a great article! I have noticed that I complain quite a bit lately and I really like how you broke it down into why it actually becomes habitual. Know why I am going to work really hard to focus on gratitude and try and turn this negative horse around!

I think we always search for perfection in everything and everyone. And when we do not get it, we start complaining. Sometimes, if we stay calm and start focusing on solving rather than complaining, we will know that what seems easy for us may not be the same for others!

Hate to admit, but complaining really does get to be a bad habit. Especially as parents…there are so many things to complain about LOL!! But this is fantastic advice, and something we’ll keep pinned for easy reference!

Great inside, didn’t knew some facts about this! To be honest, I complain a lot. Not about oh look at me, see how sad I am. But I complain a lot about things that are going on in this world. Some people complain about the weather, and that’s just something I really don’t understand. Maybe I should stop trying to change the world and first change myself. Anyhow, what a great post! Keep up the good work

That’s some great information! How cool about what the brain does. I try not to complain too often because it does get overwhelming even for me. I think I usually focus on solution-based complaints when I can. Thank you for this information!

My fail safe way to stop complaining is to do something about the thing I’m complaining about, if possible. I’m not generally a complainer because by default when I see a problem, I begin to look for solutions. I’m solution driven.
Thanks for sharing. Love the educational aspect of this post.
Judy @sensibledove

This is SOOO relatable! I’ve definitely felt like all I do is complain at times. It took me a while to even recognize how often I was doing it because it had become such a habit. I wish I’d read this when I was first starting to work on my habit of complaining! Such a great guide on catching yourself and correcting your complaining! Thanks!

Thank you for the reminder! I have definitely been a complainer a good part of my life. While I now implement little gratitude rituals into my life daily, it is easy to slip back into old habits. It really helps to think of the synapses and which ones I want to train.

This post is such a great reality check – it’s something that we are all guilty of, but it is just a mindset which we might be able to shift! I will have to start being more conscious of when I am complaining! 🙂
Charlie xohttp://www.thebarefootangel.com

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