Ranking The Stars Of NBC's The Sound Of Music According To How Much Damage Control They're Already Doing

'We're NOT trying to remake the movie.' - Laura Benanti.

Longtime readers of this site will know that I'm already on the record with my reservations about Carrie Underwood playing Fraulein Maria in NBC's forthcoming The Sound Of Music. (I was actually being polite in that earlier post; it's less "reservations" than "horror," and her extremely unnecessary performance of "Yesterday" at the Emmys this fall did nothing to allay my fury.) And now that the "First Look" trailer has appeared online...well, I've watched it very closely, and I believe I'm not the only one. The trailer features talking-head interviews from the five main stars of the production: the aforementioned Underwood; True Blood's Stephen Moyer, who plays Captain Von Trapp; Smash alumnus Christian Borle, who plays Max Detweiler (he's the promoter-type dude); Audra McDonald, who plays the Mother Abbess at Maria's convent; and Laura Benanti, who gets to play the actual best role in the show — The Baroness (duh). And even though everything they all say seems excited and positive...I have read between the lines and seen into their souls.

Here are the stars of The Sound Of Music, ranked from least to most defensive about their participation in the project.

"This is going to be so great! I logged so many hours doing live TV on American Idol that I might be the most experienced member of this cast! I know some of you might have your doubts about my playing a character who's so iconic and beloved, but I assume I obliterated them all when I accompanied my rendition of 'My Favorite Things' with a totally appropriate shoulder-shimmy! DID YOU SEE MY BRAID?????" - Carrie Underwood.

"Carrie's great. She obviously sings beautifully, and as for her acting, she has very pretty hair." - Stephen Moyer.

"The set was an old NASA hangar, and I think 'NASA hangar' says it all! ...What's that? You'd like me to comment on our lead's performance? Maybe you didn't hear me: I THINK 'NASA HANGAR' SAYS IT ALL." - Christian Borle.

"We've got great performers from Broadway, and Carrie Underwood and Stephen Moyer are also present for some reason, as though actual stage-trained triple threats weren't everywhere in New York, including working as PAs on this very production and seething, seething their way through their torturous days. ...Come back to me." - Audra McDonald.

"This is a televised version of the stage production. We're not trying to remake the movie. Nobody can remake the movie. I know you have beautiful memories of the movie. We're not trying to compete with them. We know you consider it sacrosanct. We just hope you'll give us a chance and understand that some of us need to earn a living however we can. So please, think about it that way, and please, let me come home for Thanksgiving, Mom." - Laura Benanti.