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So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

This is going to be ramble-y!

As most of you know my DD was born 6 weeks early. She's now 2 weeks and 4 days old (Wednesday this week I would have been 37 weeks). That's not terribly early in the grand scheme of things, but she was also growth restricted so was born weighing only 3lbs.

I have been a bad mama. I have felt so run down and unhealthy since she was born (via c section, so recovery from that too) that I haven't been pumping anywhere NEAR enough. The last week or so I haven't been pumping at all. It's so hard to keep myself motivated to pump every 3 hours when I have an 18 month old to chase around and trying to get myself healthy, too. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but with the cholestasis and pre-e, and then the section and being pretty badly anemic, it goes without saying that I've pretty much felt like total crap since she was born. On top of everything my iron supplements made me sooo sick that I couldn't keep any food or drink down for about a week.

She was ready to stop getting feeds from the NG tube and they've started her on bottles. I wasn't pumping enough and now she's on high calorie formula. I do bring in a little tiny bit of milk every now and then, but I'm just getting so discouraged because the most I can pump at one time is 10ml from both sides. I KNOW that I have to pump more, and on a regular schedule to even have a hope of getting that amount increased. I know I can do it if I can pump 10ml after not pumping for a week. I just need to DO IT. I'm just scared that I won't be able to keep up with her needs after being on formula for this long. I'm terrified of the thought of getting her home, having my 18 month old to look after, bottle feeding, pumping, trying to get her on the breast...

I've only been able to try breast feeding her once when she was a few days old, but they only let me try for about 10 minutes so she wouldn't get too tired. She's on all bottles now so she's feeding well from the bottles, I'm sure I can try again. The only problem is I don't drive and my husband has gone back to work...I can't just spend my day up at the NICU. I have nowhere to send DD1 so I can just sit there for hours and do kangaroo care and try nursing.

I feel... defeated. I think she's getting close to being able to come home, she's putting on weight well on the formula and is feeding well from the bottle...just has to get better at regulating her own temperature.

If I just pump until she gets home I can start trying to get her on the breast when we get home. But I'm terrified that I won't be able to deal with all of the demands of pumping, supplementing, trying to get her on the breast, dealing with my other kid....I'm scared.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up and keep feeding her something that I know is inferior. How can I feel good about myself if I just give up when I nursed my first baby for 17 months. I'm just afraid I don't have the fight in me.

Someone kick me in the ass. Hard. I'm just so afraid I can't do it. I felt numb for the first 2 weeks, just happy that she's here and safe and healthy. But now I'm pissed off. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Last edited by @llli*sentimental.geek; February 1st, 2010 at 05:10 AM.

Mama of two precious girls DD1 born 23 July 2008 andDD2 born 14 January 2010

Re: So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

First of all, and big . You have NOT been a bad mama. You are a mama who has been through the wringer, and you don't have enough help or enough time to care for everyone who is in your life, let alone yourself. Having a toddler around the house is challenging enough without adding in everything else you need to do, plus the postpartum, post-c-section roller coaster.

So stop beating yourself up.

Now, go get pumping! It's going to work out. You can do it, you will do it, you're going to be one of those inspirational stories that keeps everyone here going when things look bleak.

Re: So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

with the pp

you can do it! you can totally get her on the breast when she comes home, don't stress. there are many mommas here whose lo's started off in the NICU on formula and then ended up having a successful bf'ing relationship. for now you should work on getting yourself better and pumping regularly. you can do it!!

Re: So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

you are NOT a bad mama! You're a tired mama of a toddler and a preemie. You've been through, and are still going through a lot. I can imagine it's hard to wrap your brain around.

Maybe set an alarm on a watch or phone to ring every three hours and remind you to pump. I know it's tough to drop everything and pump when it rings but try it.

You can do it!! Once you're in the routine it won't seem so daunting.

AmandaFormerly: baby-blue-eyes

Canadian Mum to Naomi Born 03/17/08 and has a dairy allergy we are hoping she will outgrow. Nursed for 1 year
And Gavin Born 01/13/10. 22 months, still nursing and already determined to find every possible way of giving me a heart attack with his dare devilishness

Re: So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

Although I'm still very new to here i just wanted to send you
I can totally relate to all your emtions right now as you could have almost discribed me not so many weeks ago

2 weeks before my sons discharge from NICU i relutantly moved him on to formula
He has now been home 11 days and we are currently building up our bfing relationship and im happy to say so far its going very well, try not to stress too much (easier said that dont i know) as anything is possible

xx

I'm Siobhan(or Sib)
Mum to 5, Newest addition Ollie born Nov 30th '09, 11weeks Prem weighing 2lb 12
hoping to get this going so i can eventually my little man

Re: So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

You are an amazing mama!

Mama to my Rubies
C '07
A '09
And my Christmas Eve baby
L '12I will carry you all my life
And I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you
W Apr '11
R Nov '11The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart. *Helen Kellar*

Re: So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

You can do it mama!! Just curious, what kind of pump do you have? I am wondering if using a Medela Freestyle would work for you, since they are portable... I believe you can pump hands-free and even get up and move around while pumping, which might be useful since you have a toddler to care for.

IRL all my friends call me Buff, Wife to CB since 10/11/2003

Mom to DD - "MJ" born 9/2007 @ 8lbs 10oz, 21.5" She's 6 years old!
My journey nursing MJ started HERE, but we got through it and she breastfed 19.5 months, self-weaned on 5/17/09

Re: So confused...need help and a kick in the back side!

Thank you for all the encouragement mamas. I really need it, and it's appreciated. I've managed to pump a few times today, getting a total of 20ml...hardly anything, but better than nothing I suppose?

Buff, I've got a Medela Swing. It's a single electric, not hospital grade, but luckily it is portable. As a matter of fact it's got a neck strap on it and a belt clip, I totally forgot about the fact it can run on batteries! Thanks for the reminder! I think it might be the single version of the Freestyle.

I know this kind of job really could use a hospital grade double, but the one the NICU lent me was useless. They gave me an ancient looking Lactina to use, but even turned all the way up it hardly had any suction. The tubing was fine, the valve and membrane was brand new...who knows? I get much better results with my own. The only PITA is that it's a single.

Mama of two precious girls DD1 born 23 July 2008 andDD2 born 14 January 2010