Life after prostitution charges: 'I didn't want to walk out of my house'

Thursday

Sep 13, 2012 at 2:00 AM

A Maine man said his life was irrevocably changed when he was arrested on a charge of engaging a prostitute, and now he's closely following the investigation into charges brought against a Thomaston man in a Kennebunk prostitution case.

Jennifer Feals

A Maine man said his life was irrevocably changed when he was arrested on a charge of engaging a prostitute, and now he's closely following the investigation into charges brought against a Thomaston man in a Kennebunk prostitution case.

The man, who spoke to Seacoast Media Group under the condition of anonymity and is referred to as "Joe" in this story, said he faced shame in his community, lost his relationship, spent "thousands of dollars" in legal fees and relationship counseling, and hasn't been able to find a job since his arrest.

"I remember the first week I didn't want to walk out of my house. I felt like everybody was watching me," Joe said. "Whether or not people actually knew or recognized me, it sure felt like it."

Joe said his arrest was covered by the media, some not even in the state of Maine. Now, when he searches for his name on the Internet, "dozens, if not a hundred, stories come up."

He lost his job shortly before the arrest and has been unemployed since, a ramification of the misdemeanor charge and its permanence online, he said.

"I've been told straight up by prospective employers and friends trying to vouch for me that they Google my name and — boom — there it is," Joe said. "People get (operating under the influence charges) and it doesn't affect them getting a job."

Joe said he was even contacted by Alexis Wright, the former Zumba instructor named in a police affidavit in connection with an alleged prostitution operation at her York Street studio, the Pura Vida Studio.

Police have charged Mark Strong of Thomaston in connection to what they allege was prostitution going on at Wright's studio and another local site.

Wright has not been charged in the case.

Joe said he believes Wright found his name after his arrest and then contacted him on Facebook. He said she was "trying to strike up a conversation." Joe said Wright told him she had seen him around town, which, he said, "was not the case."

Wright's attorney, Sarah Churchill, did not return requests for comment.

Online and available

While technology has made it hard for Joe to put the charges behind him, sex experts said the Internet has also made it easier for many people to find a sex partner.

Robert Weiss, a licensed social worker who is director of intimacy and sexual disorder programs at Elements Behavioral Health in California and The Ranch in Tennessee, likened finding a sexual partner today to the ease of finding a nearby Italian restaurant, adding there are easy Internet searches and even smartphone apps.

"We're living in an age when you can instantly access sexual content and sexual materials in a way you couldn't before," Weiss said. "We're living in an era of ready access to anonymous sexual experiences and intensely arousing, casual sexual material, and a lot of the things that would have impeded someone or made them think twice — driving, asking, getting caught — these things are gone now."

Weiss said he works with individuals and couples affected by sexual problems, adding betrayal such as a sexual encounter with a prostitute is traumatic for the other partner. He urged anyone dealing with betrayal to wait six months before making any major decisions about the future of any relationship.

"In my world, to react to infidelity by taking a huge action quickly is not a good idea," he said. "If they are already on that route, fine, but if this is the issue that has triggered discontent in an otherwise reasonable relationship, I would not make a major move."

Prostitution hits home

In the end, Weiss said it's not the infidelity that causes the most harm to a relationship, but the unknown.

"It's not that 'I had sex with a prostitute.' The most painful part for a spouse is that they didn't know," he said. "Trust is what causes the most pain for spouses. Losing the reality of who this person is, or who I thought they were."

Men and woman also think of sexual behaviors in completely different ways, Weiss said. While men have a greater ability to objectify a sexual experience, Weiss said, likening their thoughts to playing a round of golf, he said women think of sexuality in more relational terms.

"Those people who have been betrayed, if it becomes public, will still be humiliated and they will feel shame. Unfortunately, that's most often women, and women take these things very personally," he said. "When a man's having sex outside of a relationship, he will be trying to hide it not because he feels bad about it, but because he knows how his spouse feels and he doesn't want to get caught."

It is important for a betrayed spouse to know it is normal to feel angry, to doubt the stability of the relationship and to feel out of control, Weiss said.

"Their whole world has been turned upside down," he said.

For people who act in betrayal, Weiss said they have to look within themselves.

"Their job is to learn about humility, look at why they made the choices they made, and what does that mean for their relationship and their families. Did they realize when they did this that their kids could read about it in the paper?" he said. "They lose the right to defend, explain, justify, demand."

Community response

Joe said he's been following the Kennebunk prostitution investigation because it "brings back memories of what happened to me" and raises concern for the impact it could have on others.

"I do follow it. Everybody is," he said.

In his community, Joe said people still remember his arrest and still ask about it.

"I've gotten over it to the point where I kind of laugh about it," he said.

But for those involved in the Kennebunk investigation, Joe said the impact will spread far beyond the people immediately involved.

In addition to the names on the alleged client list, Joe said wives, girlfriends, jobs, children and parents will all be harshly affected.

"My parents were definitely affected by this. I feel terrible about them having to see my name in the paper for that and having people know," he said. "It's going to affect far more than just those 170 names, or however many there are."

It's important to remember that a person is not necessarily reflected in their behavior, said Kennebunk counselor Julie Allen, who works with couples and families.

"The key for all of us to remember is that, if you find out somebody's spouse or son or anybody is involved in something, the person is still the person," she said. "If we can remember these are members of our community and our neighbors, we are more likely to understand in personal context. They are still in our community, they are still people."

Allen said to remember that all humans make mistakes and the best way to handle it is facing it head on.

"You just hit it on the nose and say, 'Yes, that happened; it has been very difficult,' and then change the subject. People are usually pretty compassionate if you're honest and open-hearted," she said.

Professionals said much of the fallout from prostitution cases takes place privately, between family members. When it comes to dealing with children in such a difficult situation, Allen said it's best to be sensitive to their development, while appropriately providing the right information.

"The kids are going to find out, so ideally they find out from their parents, and their parents have a unified statement for the kids. If things do become scandalous, kids will hear that at school," she said, adding that children should know who they can turn to, such as a teacher or adviser, and that parents could even give them ideas of what to say to their peers if the topic comes up.

What will help people recover from the impact of a prostitution scandal is social support, Allen said.

"What helps children is what helps parents, and what helps parents is social support and not shunning people because of mistakes that they've made and continuing to offer social support," she said. "It doesn't mean solving their problems or forgiving or forgetting about it, but not disconnecting from people is what helps them come back from it."

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