Random thoughts from a carpetbagger living in the Great Republic of Texas

Monday, June 30, 2014

Freedom's Just Another Word for...

Several years ago, my brother told me
about a colleague that he golfed with. One day after the colleague
relieved himself in the woods, he came out and told my brother, "You
know, if I couldn't piss in the woods, I'd give up golf completely."

Sure, when nature literally calls and
you're in the middle of nowhere, you do what you have to do. But
personally I'm more worried about my reaction if a rattlesnake or
copperhead slithers up while I'm doing my business rather than
embracing the act as some sort of freedom loving, rapturous
experience. As time has gone on, I am apparently in the minority.

Back when we lived almost in the
country, yet still in a housing development of which we were the last
house bordering a somewhat less prosperous development, I walked out
to the backyard one day to mow the lawn. I looked up across the
chain link fence and saw our neighbor relieving himself in his
backyard. Stunned, I didn't know what to do so I just waved. He
waved back, sort of. In his defense, he may have not had indoor
plumbing, but I doubt it.

A few years later, I was at a friend's
house where a big group of mostly guys gathered to brew beer.
Homebrewing is one of those hobbies that's best enjoyed while
drinking beer. And since it takes about five hours, nature will
undoubtedly call. Luckily this house had indoor plumbing; I would
know because I used it. But then I noticed the other guys had some
sort of aversion to walking twenty feet to the house and the
bathroom, because they would just stand by the side of the garage and
let it rip.

I tried to figure out why they couldn't
take the extra two minutes to walk to the house. What would they
miss? Heck, they could even take their beer with them into the
bathroom if they wanted. I finally decided that it was some sort of
bonding experience. By the garage, they were close enough that you
could cheer or shout encouragement if you wanted. Or maybe they were
acting like a pack of dogs where once one dog marked his spot, all
the rest had to do the same on the same spot. I never did bond with
them.

A couple of months ago, St. Pauli Girl
and I sat on the front porch late at night in the dark watching some
seldom seen rain actually fall in our neighborhood. After awhile,
our next door neighbor pulled up in his pickup truck. He has an
interesting relationship with the old widow across the street in that
he mows her lawn, stores his motorcycle in her garage and often parks
his truck in her driveway.

He threw his truck in reverse and
carefully backed into her driveway. We gasped as the truck headed
diagonally across the driveway and toward a tree. He stopped just in
time, straightened it out and successfully parked. He stayed in the
truck for a few minutes with the lights still on. Then he got out in
the rain, went to the side of the garage and proceeded to relieve
himself in her front yard. He then climbed back in the truck, turned
off the lights, and we never saw him come back out. We assumed he
slept in the truck.

"We really need to move out of
this neighborhood," we both said in unison.

I wondered if my brother still played
golf with that colleague. I kind of doubt it after so many years and
moves. But if my brother ever sees him again, I hope he tells the
colleague that he's a prophet. At least in my book.

It's a male thing, that's for sure. Has it something to do with not being able to leit a toilet lid/seat, let alone know how to put them back down again? I wonder.... I mean it's a very difficult chore to do...and what about washing their hands...I wonder....

I'm glad you don't fit into that particular gang of male behaviour, Dexter. I'm not sure why some men behave that way.

Across the road from here where I live is the showground (fairground). I rent a small cabin on a three acre property. I'm down one end of the block of land; and my landlords live in their quite spacious dwelling up the other end. Annually, across at the showgrounds a hot-rod event occurs, where everyone brings along their souped up cars etc; rock 'n roll music entertains the madding crowd throughout the weekend. This past two years some of the overflowing, visiting enthusiasts have parked out front from my cabin on the grounds of this property...and twice, in broad daylight I've caught two men doing what you've described above...not very far from my cabin. And twice, I've given them a good blast!!! I was so, so angry both times; absolutely furious, to put it mildly; and each time I let them know my feelings in no uncertain terms!

Yeah that's a big problem in Austin neighborhoods near the bars too. Next time you should charge for parking in front of your cabin. Or maybe install a coin operated port-a-potty. Thanks for the comment!

This year my landlords did charge for parking, Dexter...but their house is up the other end of this three acre block of land, well away from my cabin, and well away from the pissers and the parkers, so they couldn't have cared less who watered the grass.

And they made a fortune from the parking fees, too, from what they told me - over $3,000!!! The majority of which, apparently, went to their local Bridge Club towards the construction of a clubhouse... I should've asked for my cut seeing I was the one most affected!! ;)

About Me

I live in a small town in Texas. I am the real America. I wasn't born in the republic which means I'm not really Texan. I do have a pickup truck but since it's a Nissan, I'm still not considered Texan. I only drive it when no one is looking. I'm a man without a country and a man without a car. I'm an entrepreneur but not a good one as I recently had to close down the family restaurant. But that makes me an economic expert. I can seriously blame the restaurant's closing on Obama, Cheney, NAFTA, Cash for Clunkers, TARP and even Bernie Madoff who never spent millions in my restaurant. Not even a dime.