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Anal glands (glandes l'anales or glands d'bouvier) are glands near the anus of a dog or cat that produce that "old scented fingerprint of animal magic" which Frank Sinatra sings about so well. While offensive to humans, this odor has the effect of Chanel No.5 on the four legged beast, giving them the confidence to mingle at parties or open a bank account. A dog of the canine persuasion or kitty-kat out on the town can use the handy calling card of anal scent to tells who’s been to the fire-plug first, zodiac signs, credit card numbers, turn-ons and turn-offs.

This is why animals don't chat much. If we could tell everything about each other simply by sniffing each others asses, we'd probably be pretty quiet too. It's almost certain, for example, that Beethoven could never have written the Pastoral Symphony if he had been too distracted by anal emission to think straight while at the piano.

Being "glands" that are located near the "anus" (hence them name), anal glands secret their perfume like qualities while “Rover” or Hello Kittypoop (aka crap), and thus gives regular shit a charm all its own, though in the final anlysis, it's still shit.

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On occasions, the ductwork on the glands will become blocked, preventing them from their natural environmental duties. This can be uncomfortable for the pet. In extreme cases, the animal will a splode. This is why it is essential that pet owners who notice their pets licking their anus (an act in itself that is quite heinous), or scootching across the rug like Cathy Rigby on the "pommel horse" in Munich in 1972, must take action to relieve the pets blocked anal gland secretions by expressing the glands manually.

Of course, in the worst case scenario...

An imminent explosion is suggested by the following symptoms:

A curious bulge at your pet's rear end.

Venting steam.

Earthquakes.

Rumbling and/or whistling noises.

If your pet is exhibiting these symptoms, it is essential that you place it in a lead lined box and call the fire department. Lead your family to a place of safety, such as a small hill or forest. Under NO circumstances must you poke your animal with a stick just to see what happens. What happens is that the animal goes off with a force of several megatons, taking half your house with it. You will never be invited out to ballroom dances again.

To express the anal glands, you will need to stand the dog up and pretend that you plan on sniffing its behind, much like a fellow beast will do as a form of “gla(n)d to meet ya” and "I think I might have gone through obedience school with one of your litter mates." Your dog will love this action, thinking that at last you are beginning to understand it's true needs, and that maybe you'll finally give up all that stick throwing nonsense you seem to think it enjoys so much.

(However, as in any social situation, Dear Abby reminds you that "your pet has every right to think that it too will be granted the right to reciprocate; "it is a clever pet owner who is able to turn awkward moments like this to their advantage. Above all, do be gracious.")

Step one: With the dog or cats tail in the raised position, find the glands which are located at “five” and “seven” o’clock relative to your pets anus. If they are inflamed and hard, “you've got your work cut out for ya” according to animal defusion expert, Buddy (fingers) Prettiest, DVM.

Step two: Upon locating the glands, your pet will have either bolted from the examine area, or will have clawed you into ribbons. So one must either treat the wounds and/or locate the pet which is in all likelihood hiding under the sofa (aka "Chesterfield" if you are in Winnipeg, Manitoba).

Step three: With your bleeding stopped, grasp the area of the first gland and milk the gland until it softens and/or produces “matter” which is either sunshade brown or primrose yellow, depending on how rancid it has become from festering inside your animal for all those years. Tip:This is best done on your finest carpet, in a small hot room with no windows, or by someone else in another city thousands of miles away

Step four: Breath in. Scream out: "Dear Mother of GOD and all the SAINTS of PAINFUL LIQUID PERSUASIONS please give me the STRENGTH to ENDURE without having my BRAIN MELT in this DEMONIC BREEZE of GHUSTING DOOM"

Step five: Repeat step two.

Step six: Rinse, and reapply.

Step seven: Now the other side.

There, that was easy, healthy and fun too!

And now you even have a better understanding how Dick Cheney perceived the War in Iraq at its onset as well, because he happened to have his head inside a Labrador Retriever's rectum at the time.