Flesh Jokes

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

What do you call someone who likes to take tiny bites of human flesh?

A Can-nibble

Your Momma so fat.......

Her flesh eating disease got diabetes.

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The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

My little brother jumped out the window when I told him a cannibal clown was coming upstairs to feast on his flesh.

I can’t believe he fell for It.

Yo momma is so fat...

When the doctors told her she had flesh-eating bacteria they gave her 10 years to live

TIL that a school of piranhas are able to strip all the flesh off of a child in under two minutes.

Sadly, I was also fired from the aquarium.

I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty.

man Christianity has some weird traditions.

The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh.

A man sold his flesh to a cannibalistic sushi shop...

...I guess you could say he's on a roll.

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

How do you eat the Flesh Hounds?

WH40K Humor: I don't know about you, but I prefer my Khorne Dogs with ketchup.

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What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

I managed to lose 245lbs of unsightly flesh...

Divorced the wife.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

He was such a brutal fighter that, after slaying the tigress in the arena, he proceeded to devour her flesh. And he felt no remorse.

He was Gladiator.

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Four nuns go to the church, wishing to confess their sins.

One of the nuns go first, talking to the priest."Forgive me father, for I have witnessed a man's flesh sword," she says with regret.

"Alright, head up and wash your eyes with this holy water bowl." Says the priest and pushes her aside. "What about you, sister?" He asks the second nun....

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

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A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity. Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

Is that you, Mr. Mosquito?

In the flesh!

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

Three nuns go to Heaven...

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:

"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin an...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in tho...

Two Cannibals Are Talking

Two cannibals are talking to each other.

Hey, you remember that person we ate a couple weeks ago, the one that tasted so good?

Yes, it’s still flesh in my memory.

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Thor hasn't had sex in a while...

It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off.

And human chicks are hot.

So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly....

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs. <...

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

Psalm 129

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. “Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life!” he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the s...

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .Now this is a town that knows how to live!Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.It was beautiful.I've fi...

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

A priest and a nun

A priest had volunteered to drive a nun back to her house after mass. At the traffic signal, he slowly placed his right hand on her knee.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest.

After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, you’re in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes, But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose ...

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A man is on his death bed...

His wife is holding his hand while he struggles with his breathing. On the table is a photograph of five strapping young lads and one very scrawny young man. He looks at the photo and tries to speak.

A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

Sherlock Irritates Watson

A confirmed bachelor, Sherlock Holmes did not have a lack of admirers willing to satisfy all his carnal needs, but yet he chose to be single, which irritated Watson to no end. As a sidekick, Watson did not get to enjoy the constant fawning of young nubile flesh willing to submit to his every wish. O...

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Mary has a problem so heads to the doctor

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem with my vagina. The lips are huge and stick out and it makes me really self conscious. I don't even like my husband seeing me like this so we never have sex" she tells him.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

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3 men go to hell and Satan appears before them...

Satan says,"You boys have caught me in a good mood! I'm going to give you whatever you ask for. What would you like sir?"

Man number one steps up and says to Satan, "All I want is women."

Satan claps his hands, and a door appears which opens to reveal the most beautiful women the 7 C...

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Grandmas Tattoo

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. ...

Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says,"We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"

The man says, "I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."

The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into fork...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

[religious] [nsfw] a priest is driving a nun home.

On the way, he puts his hand on her leg. Noticing this, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest apologizes and returns his hand to the wheel.

A few minutes later he tries again, sliding his hand higher up her leg. Again, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." "The flesh ...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

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There were two nude statues...

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The...

You've had a bad day but...

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

The flesh eating virus barely touched your other arm.

Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife had a *good* lawyer.

The fertility drugs worked 4 times better than expected.

The insurance company ...

Scottishman, Englishman and Irishman Joke *Long*

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are traveling through the amazon rainforest. Suddenly they are captured by an indigenous tribe and taken to camp. The chief approaches the three and manages to communicate: “ we kill you, eat your flesh, make tools with bones and canoe with skin! First, we grant a...

A priest was driving A nun to church...

But suddenly the priest stops and tells the nun"Im sorry sister but i have been dreaming of doing this"he proceeds to stop driving and he put his hands under her robes and stroking her legs.The nun replies with"Father, remember Psalm 143:24"The Priest responds with"Im sorry ...

The mystery of the Last son [long]

A man had four sons. The elder three were tall, muscular and blonde. The fourth son was a brunette and lanky.

The man always questioned if the last son was his. It would eat him inside. But to keep the sanctity of his marriage and family he never bought the topic up.

On his deathbed, h...

A priest is giving a nun a ride home one day...

As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee.

The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10."

The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little high...

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to ...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

One fine day, down at the local diner.

A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:

**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**

His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He want...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

...which quickly becomes overcrowded. The bartender trying to take jocular orders for one beer than half a beer than a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth is crushed to death as are all the other patrons. And the mathematicians themselves, of course. Still they walk in. Somehow they force thems...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.

"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man ...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes. "bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap. "oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...