The New Circle Circular

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

On election day actor and local community member Steve Zahn dressed as a revolutionary soldier and made his rounds in Lexington encouraging people to vote. But now some neighbors are concerned as he’s continued to be sighted wearing his colonial costume.

“I thought maybe it was for like a role he’s working on.” said resident Jessica Talbot. “Like those method actors who completely commit to their characters. Like Daniel Day Lewis or Wesley Snipes.”

Circular staff investigated further by accessing Zahn’s IMDB page which shows an upcoming project listed as Robodog. An animated family comedy about a robotic dog. Not a period drama about the American Revolution. Ben Franklin’s nickname, Robodog, is apparently coincidental.

The actor has caused a few disturbances since the election. He interrupted the Lafayette High School Marching bands practice by limping across the football field playing a fife.
He was seen pouring a can of Arizona Tea into the pond behind Lexington Green.
And at the Kroger off of Tates Creek road demanding a U-Scan tell him if it was still “loyal to the King”.

We met with Local Steve Zahn expert Dr. Leonard Ainsley at his research facility/studio apartment covered in Saving Silverman and Strange Wilderness posters.

“This is an exciting development in the lore of Zahn. Whereas before we would catch glimpses of him doing mundane tasks such as pumping his gas or waiting for a carryout pizza, this is the first time we have been offered a glimpse of his talent in the wild.”
Dr. Ainsley then asked us if we knew Mr. Zahn and could give Mr. Zahn his script for Sahara 2 and 3.
“They would be filmed back to back.”

Will Steve Zahn return to his normal dress and blend back into modern life? Or is this a start of a new trend. A return to colonial fashion. Some seem to embracing the fashion for reasons other than political.

Lee Cruse, who recently had his hair dyed orange and a T shaved into it after failing to pay for his Orange Theory Gym membership, immediately saw the benefit of a powdered wig. As of press time Cruse had gone full gentlemen french dandy and was seen on TV wiping tears from his powdered face with his perfumed handkerchief as the humane society sat a puppy on top of his harpsichord.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

It has been weeks since the city of Lexington saw a myriad of traffic issues due to rally’s, as EKU hosted one for Andy Barr and President Donald Trump. However, this afternoon a Rally’s based traffic jam happened once again, the likes of which, Tates Creek Centre(pointe) hasn’t seen since Luke Bryan played a concert at Talon Winery.

For over the past month the city of Lexington has mourned after the Rally’s on Harrodsburg road closed its doors for good, returning the once great city to the lowly status of a “Two Rally’s Town.”

The financial aftereffects were drastic as the demotion dropped the city outside of the top 100 most prosperous cities in America list published every year by Rally’s/Checkers Lifestyle Magazine.

Future former Lexington Mayor Jim Gray announced at the Tates Creek Centre Rally’s Ribbon Cutting ceremony that the opening of the restaurant will mark the city’s return to spicy fry glory.

Donning his now signature inside-out Lexington Legends cap, that he’s been calling “My Rally’s Cap,” Gray gave an emotional speech to the new restaurant’s avid supporters.

“If there’s one thing this city needs more than a Rally’s, it’s 3. Every morning I open the paper and read about another restaurant in Lexington going out of business. Last month alone, we saw the closing of a Rally’s AND an Applebee’s, and I started to wonder, when will it stop. How far the mighty appetites of this once great city have fallen, but today hope has sprung on the corner of Tate’s Creek and Man O’ War. Because now, if that Taco Bell and that McDonald’s are too busy, we Americans have another choice. Which we haven’t had since that Long John’s closed. Not counting that chili place I can’t remember the name of,” announced Gray between bites of a Big Buford.

“Look, I know we’re not as famous as Chicago, ‘The Wendy’s City’, but we are a 3 rally’s town and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s something to be proud of.”

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

To quote the Lion King, “the circle of life, it moves us all. Shimnya nabem da dab a da.” The University of Louisville, who used to play their home football games in Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium, removed the pizza mogul’s name from the side of the stadium after the former (you’d assume) best friend of Peyton Manning was outed for using racial slurs on a conference call. But now, the university has found itself in desperate need of around $13 million in order to buy out the contract of head football coach and volleyball enthusiast Bobby Petrino. The only way to raise that kind of money? Sell the naming rights to their football stadium. And, believe it or not, there is only one business owner with that kind of cash mixed with the enthusiasm for Crown Royal required to put their name on a football stadium in Louisville, John Schnatter.

“We are really in a weird spot here,” said a guy who agreed to answer our questions when we asked to speak to ‘not Tom Jurich but whoever the new guy is.’ The spokesperson continued, “we haven’t had to fire a coach for just being bad in forever; it’s usually for some other reason. If Bobby would commit a major NCAA violation or violate ethical and moral codes then we’d still have to give him a third strike but we’d at least be in familiar territory.”

Whoever it was we talked to continued, “the flip side was unprecedented too. We weren’t sure exactly how to broach the subject of offering the naming rights back to Papa John. There are so few cases where rich men have to actually face consequences for their actions, we didn’t know how long we had to wait before calling him or anything. We could find no other cases like this of a rich, white guy doing or saying something terrible and having anything taken away from him.”

The University has not finalized an official offer with the Papa, however, another football loss could speed proceedings along.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The Cats are off to an uncharacteristically good start, and the Patriots are off to an uncommonly bad start. After a loss to the Detroit Lions on Sunday you have to wonder, how New England would look if they had to line up against an SEC opponent every week? While the Patriots struggle, Kentucky has one of the best running backs in the country and we struggled to find someone who could name a single back on New England’s roster. On paper these teams seem pretty even, the Cats have a better record but the Pats have played a slightly tougher schedule. We decided to run the numbers and found that Kentucky actually has a fairly substantial advantage.

Verdict: Kentucky

We couldn’t find anyone in Vegas offering odds on the hypothetical game but if we were going to guess, we’d say Vegas would have the Cats at about -10.5.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky Football Coach Mark Stoops stands in his office as an artist makes quick sketches of him in the corner. As the artist draws an assistant wraps a thin tape measurer around the coaches waist recording measurements while Coach Stoops looks at two samples of marble held up by another assistant. “I’ll take the Carrara marble,” Stoops says as the assistant tucks away the unchosen piece of dark onyx.

“It took 26 years for Michelangelo to build the David,” artist Donna Tello. “This was 31 years in the making so it’s going to have to be a heck of a statue.” Tello goes on to say that she was not even officially commissioned by anyone for the statue. “As soon as Kentucky beat Florida on Saturday night I just started sketching, someone will pay for this.”

Like a hiker who conquered Everest, like a Michelin Star chef, like my aunt that has tried everything at Golden Corral, there is only one question for a UK football coach that has beaten Florida, ‘what do I do now?’ The coach briefly considered retirement after accomplishing an unthinkable goal. “I guess I thought maybe I’d spend some time with my family, or fish and play golf? Maybe I’d finally fix that darned screen door.” After a few hours of contemplation Stoops ultimately decided against retirement and will return to practice today.

“I feel like I still have some unfinished business,” said the coach with the ghostly complexion. “We’re just getting started here bro.” It was unclear to this reporter whether or not the coach was referring to just getting started achieving things with the UK Football program or if he was dictating the insignia at the bottom of the statue.

As for where the statue will reside; Mayor Jim Gray thinks he’s got the perfect open spot for a statue downtown.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

It’s been in the news recently that UK sorority members are going to be forced to attend a philanthropy training class that will keep them from attending Saturday’s football opener. The women, stuck between the end of rush week but unable to attend the game have referred to their situation as “rush limbo.”

Several sorority members on campus are livid they’re going to miss their only chance to see a non-conference opponent from a peninsula this year, and male students are upset they’ll miss out on their first social opportunity to be too nervous to talk to sorority members.

As a compromise, the University plans to provide a complimentary shuttle that will allow Sorority members to take a break from mandatory philanthropy training this Saturday. Both sorority members and potential pledges alike, will grab a clear bag and ride through a drive-thru game window, where Kroger field employees will provide a Clicklist version of the University’s home opener. Sorority members with a UK ID and a Kroger plus card will get a complimentary curbside view of the game, a ticket stub, and a brief sense of guarded optimism for the football season.

Unfortunately, this service will only be provided this weekend to accommodate the University’s scheduling error. However, KSBar is looking into continuing the service for fans that pre-game a little too much at the soon-to-be-opened restaurant.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky Governor and lifeguard in training Matt Bevin gave in-state teachers fair warning about the upcoming school year’s budget concerns during a radio interview today. He showed up wearing red swimming trunks with a whistle around his neck and K-mart sunblock on his nose.

“We’ve got ourselves a real good news/bad news situation right now financially. The good news is I’m about to knock out all the teachers in the Commonwealth, just long enough to solve all the problems they got themselves into. The bad news is they’ll have to wake themselves up after,” said the Governor in what sounded like a WWE promo for Summer Slam.

Then he called out Kentucky teachers for over an hour to meet him in the squared circle “if they dared”. He punctuated every other “dared” with a blow of his whistle. At one point it slipped through his sunblock-slick fingers and fell onto the floor next to his prepared talking points.

“I’m not perfect,” Bevin said. He spoke openly about how he had recently failed his first lifeguard certification exam at the Land Between The Lakes. He admitted his own shortcomings but was eager to blame his instructors and especially the fake victims he was tasked to save.

“Look, this situation is far from cut and dry. My shorts are still wet. I had some bad advice from some bad public beach lifeguards, and, honestly, I’ve only practiced saving dummies. I’m not used to drowning victims actually being able to swim a little.” Bevin blew his whistle again until the radio interviewer asked him to stop.

“You might think,” continued Bevin, “if you work with a drowning victim to bring them to shore it will be easier. But not in my experience. In my experience, I can only help you if you are a dummy. One without their own thoughts or feelings or the ability to express oneself. Or swim. Turns out that actual humans don’t want to swim laughing all the way to the bank like I do.”

Bevin ended the interview segment with one final skipped rock of wisdom. “There’s only one way to drown, and that’s because you did it to yourself. It wasn’t an accident through no fault of your own. Unless you’re some kind of dummy.”
The Governor’s Office later noted that while Bevin can use state funds to knock out the teachers, there isn’t enough in the budget to help the teachers regain consciousness so they’ll have to purchase their own smelling salts and any other supplies they might need to teach their students.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Like other Lexington residents moving away for their career prospects before him, such as Kevin Knox, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Jarred Vanderbilt, and Wenyen Gabriel, Mayor Jim Gray will travel around the state signing autographs before he starts his new career in something other than politics. Whatever it is, it won’t be public speaking because although his voice is smooth as gravy, his hand gestures are as wild as cheesy biscuits.

The future former mayor announced the 7 stop tour this morning and revealed that it will begin Thursday at the Red Robin in Nicholasville. Gray, an undrafted 8th year Mayor, will always be remembered by the citizens of Lexington for playing his part in the 2012 National Championship, the part of Mayor.

Gray will be using the autograph tour as an opportunity to visit some areas of the state he’s never been to before, which would explain that Senate race result a few years ago. At the request of local fans, Gray will be creating traffic for no reason during each tour stop. His final tour date will be at Gattitown in Lexington where he will auction off a pair of campaign worn shoes. They are lightly used.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart held a joint press conference with Former President and current Czar of Tennessee Al Gore where Barnhart announced that, despite all of the evidence uncovered by people showing Tennessee with checkerboard uniforms long before UK made the switch, Tennessee had no involvement in the checkerboard uniforms introduced a few years ago.

With the checkerboards being such a bad idea, Tennessee would seem to be an easy scapegoat for the error. However, Mitch and others claim it’s not an error at all, let alone the fault of Tennessee. “I asked Mr. Gore if he tricked us into using the checkerboards so they [UT] wouldn’t look as dumb wearing them and he said they didn’t do it and they’ve never even worn checkerboards,” Barnhart said. “They had nothing to do with the checkerboards, they were all my idea and, frankly, everyone loves them.”

When presented with pictures of Tennessee utilizing the checkerboard design in the past Barnhart simply said: “those aren’t checkerboard, those are chessboard.” Barnhart went on to explain that Chess represented Tennessee because it is a game with a long history and is played by the top minds in the game whereas checkers represented Kentucky because our strategy in football has largely been centered around wildly jumping over people and getting to one end of the field and stacking players on top of one another for some reason.

UK officials were reportedly disturbed to hear Kentucky thrown under the bus but planned to do nothing about it.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

NBA Recruiting is in full-swing right now and John Calipari has positioned the Wildcats well once again. Former Cat Demarcus Cousins announced that he would be joining the Golden State Warriors as a grad transfer for $5.3 million which will allow him to get a nicer studio apartment in the Bay Area. While the addition of Cousins strengthens the Warriors position in the west, the NBA’s Eastern Conference is wide open. Kentucky, in addition to being a pre-season top five team in College Basketball, has also been predicted to finish in the playoff picture in the East.

Kentucky is positioned best of all the collegiate teams to finish in the Eastern Conference Playoff picture, their only competition coming from Duke who are not projected highly right now as it will be difficult for them to get under the NBA’s salary cap.

The Cats may not have a realistic chance of finishing at the top of the conference as Boston and Philadelphia both have very good, young teams, however, PJ Washington and EJ Montgomery pair up favorably with the Chicago Bulls frontcourt of Tall White Guy (interchangeable) and a guy no one remembers from the PAC-12 and Keldon Johnson and Quade Green are surely favorites over the Brooklyn Nets backcourt of that guy from Ohio State and probably a guy with a beard or something.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The University of Kentucky’s student-athletes are under contract with Nike to wear their shoes until at least 2025, and the contract may not just be here on earth but in outer space as well.

Back in 2002, Nike Air Force Ones saw a big uptick in sales thanks to the likes of Nelly. While Band-Aids might still be waiting for their big Nelly bump in sales, Nike may see yet another sales boom this winter thanks to Space Force 1, the new sneaker line based off the new military branch President Trump recently announced.

Kentucky revealed, along with the shoe deal, that it is a finalist to play in the first Armed Forces Classic which will take place on a spacecraft carrier docked on the moon for the men and women of the newly announced Space Force in 2026.

With a new Space Force comes limitless possibilities, and not just because space itself is infinite. It also comes with marketing potential, and no one is quicker to jump on capitalistic potential than Nike. No one except the President, of course.

“Look, Space Force isn’t just gonna be an awesome long-awaited CGI-animated sequel to Space Jam, it’s also gonna be dope kicks. Oh, and a very expensive branch of the military. But mainly shoes -” seems like the kind of thing the President might say.

UK will be the sole wearers of the new Space Force Ones during the 2018-2019 basketball season, and the team’s support of the star troopers doesn’t stop there. Returnee Jonny David will be joining the University’s Space Force ROTC this summer to help stay in shape over the offseason and maybe meet an E.T.

The shoes will be available for sale in time for Christmas and will come in two colors: black and space camo, which is also black.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Guntown Mountain originally opened in the 1960’s and featured carnival games, gun shows, and both can-can and can’t-can’t dancers. Then, over the last 50 years, the attraction suffered setbacks attributed to vandalism, ownership changes, and Barack Obama. However, in 2016 the current ownership group took over in hopes to restore the theme park to its once majestic glory. Arming themselves with hard work and determination, the group reopened the park a few weeks back to rave reviews.

However, it didn’t take long for Cave City’s western theme park to come under fire. Just two weeks after its grand reopening, some local liberal lawmakers have set their sights on changing its name. “We’re not saying you have to cancel your show here, let’s just take the one problematic part of the cast out,” began Wilson “Buggy” Williams, a tree-hugging representative from Bowling Green. “Let’s make a small compromise. We don’t want to stop glorifying violence or impact the open carry of cap and squirt guns you have, let’s just take the gun part out and call it ‘Town Mountain.'”

Williams claims his request comes from the recoil of a recent ‘scientific study’ which showed that “big game hunters from Guntown Mountain are endangering wildlife at nearby Dinosaur World.”

The owners of Guntown Mountain stood by their current signage. “If we outlaw guns, then only outlaws will have guns,” said a guy that runs a place based around the idea of outlaws having guns.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Local celebrity Lee Cruse’s bowling game has become the subject of local lore after his infamous performance in the KSR bowling league. However, the television personality has reportedly been practicing every night at Southland Bowling Lanes and those in attendance report they saw Cruse nearly miss the perfect 300 game by a mere 10 frames.

Employees say they’ve seen Cruse at the lanes late into the night every night since the much talked about disaster of a league performance. “He’s usually here for a few hours, working on his craft until close,” said one employee, his face clouded by the mist of magic spray they use to sanitize the bowling shoes. “For the past few weeks every time you look down there you can see that bright pink 8 pounder of his gliding down the lane.”

Even though cruse came up just 10 frames short (no offense intended to Cruse here for using the word short) Southland has decided it will still honor his performance by framing his bowling shirt in an 8×10 frame that will be prominently displayed near the cash register.

Cruse has not been asked back to the KSR bowling league yet but some say that he isn’t being kept out solely because of his performance last time. “It’s an adults-only league, I shouldn’t have to find a kids size 7,” the employee behind the shoe counter said.

Cruse was last seen trying to pry the bumpers on the lane up without anyone noticing.

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

KSR gave me 4 hours of paid leave today to get out there and vote, and like any good citizen I wanted to vote early and vote often. Unfortunately, I was only able to vote 6 times before I had to come back to work.

I learned a lot about statewide elections today since I was able to participate in half of a non-baker’s dozen of them. Hopefully, you can take what I learned today and apply them to when elections actually count for something in November.

Lesson 1: There are no bathrooms in the voting booths and the staff gets mad if they have to clean up after you. Pro Tip: Go before you get in line.

Lesson 3: The choice isn’t always yours, you can pick your candidates but you can’t pick your seat. Many precincts don’t take reservations, the first voting hostess I met kept saying “Sir come this way, your booth is over there,” um thanks but no thanks I don’t want to have to wait I’ll just sit at the bar.

Lesson 4: If you see people wearing an “I voted” bracelet in Louisville, it only means they voted in the statewide election today. Unfortunately, the color of the bracelets are not an indication of what base they’re willing to go to with you.

Lesson 5: Dress for the job you have, don’t dress for the candidate you want. Kudos to 3 separate election officials I saw in Lexington that detained voters wearing a sweet leather jacket within 100 feet of a polling place. Rules are rules, and technically this counts as a campaign violation for Amy McGrath.

Lesson 6: There is nowhere to write in your opinion on Outback vs. Buffalo Wild Wings!!