Clooney ex Elisabetta Canalis on their breakup: "I have always seen the end of my relationships as a personal failure. There is nothing ever pretty is saying goodbye… I went to the United States, because at the moment I could no longer face the world." So unable to face the world, that she decided to become a reality star. Poor Elisabetta! No choice but to hide in the secrecy of spotlights and sequins on Dancing with the Stars Anyway, here's what she wants from her next boyfriend: "I'm looking for men who can give me security." All those poor insecure gold diggers, they just want "security." Maybe they need blankies. [Us, image via Getty]

Matt Damon wishes his shaved head was as "damn good-looking" at Jake Gyllenhaal's shaved head. [People]

Dancing rage machine Chris Brown got out of 95 parking tickets all at once, but still has 22 pending. It's part of his ongoing war with his condo neighbors, all of whom apparently hate him and reported him for parking in handicapped spaces in their building's lot. He received 117 citations, which would have cost $15,000 to clear up, but his lawyer proved that the "parking spaces in question were assigned to Chris' apartment from the beginning." He's handicapped at life, you see. [TMZ]

Victoria Beckham went in public with girl baby Harper Seven. Looks like a baby. [INFDaily, images via INF]

Lindsay Lohan is pissed that everyone thinks little sister Ali Lohan had plastic surgery. "She has never." Ali's model agent also denies. "Aliana is a beautiful 17-year-old girl who is growing into her face and body, as is the norm for someone of her age. We take pastoral care of our models very seriously." All models must graze in a pasture, chewing grass on their hands on knees. This is the only beauty regimen they need, very low in calories. A tabloid doctor who has never even seen Ali in person is quite certain that she is down to "95ish" pounds. She "has the look of someone who may binge and purge plus calorie restrict." [E!, image via Splash]

Khloe Kardashian to Kris Jenner: "MOM! STOP!" [Gatecrasher]

Remember the Toddlers & Tiaras mom who dressed her 3-year-old as a Pretty Woman prostitute? She's auctioning off her toddler whore outfit, and plans to donate the proceeds to an anti-abortion group. [E!]

Lily Allen on Amy Winehouse: "When Amy died, I got several texts from friends saying they were really glad I was still here, that I hadn't died too." I can see thinking that, but actually texting it to someone, on the day of someone's else death? Is that an acceptable time and venue for such a sentiment? [Sun]

Ashton Kutcher will confront Ellen DeGeneres with his naked body on Monday's episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show. I feel uncomfortable already. [People]

While living as a member of Hugh Hefner's Playboy sex harem, Bridget Marquardt froze her eggs, because she was worried Hef would prevent her from ever having babies: "Holly [Madison, alpha girlfriend during Bridget's harem tenure] and Hef were obviously the main relationship. We weren't allowed to date or anything like that. I wanted to have a little bit of insurance policy and a little extra time." [Us]

T.I.'s reality TV wife thinks he's being persecuted "because he's T.I." This is why he got dragged back to prison instead of going to a halfway house, as was supposed to happen last week, she says. [TMZ]