Another girl pretending to be a guy so she can write freely. And not get fired. Or divorced. Or lose friends.

Apparently DirectTV and Viacom are on a break and I’m like the kid mommy and daddy are trying to keep the divorce from. It took me 20 minutes of flipping though the damn “Mix Channels” before I realized something was amiss with MTV and VH-1. And I have to say, I really don’t miss either one. The brain cells that were deadened by Mob Wives Chicago and Real World 9,000 have been sent to rehab and are recovering nicely.

Thank you, Viacom. Your bitchassness has served me well.

I channel-surfed to figure out which channels I still had and screeched to a halt on TV Guide’s 25 Sexiest Geeks. Two of my favorite things in one place: lists and geeks. The secret is out. While my lady parts shudder for Joe Manganiello and Taye Diggs, my heart pitter-patters for Raj Koothrappali and Jonah Hill. I want Joe to pick me up and spin me like pizza dough. I want Taye to feed me grapes topless. And then watch him floss a little. I want flash Raj and watch him blush. I want to take Jonah to Banana Republic to try on new, big boy clothes.

So I grabbed a club soda and was all set to indulge in my geek fantasy. But we must remember this is Hollywood and their idea of geek is Drew Barrymore. Mine is the kid in high school whose acne was so bad it would spontaneously bleed. Theirs, Courtney Cox. Mine, the non-alcohol drinking virgin who refused to pay for my drink but asked if he should bring a condom when he came over to watch a movie. Theirs, Anne Hathaway. Mine, the guy who brought me a his class photo for my wallet. On our second date.

Weirdos. But endearing weirdos.

Here is really who SHOULD have been on that damn list.

1. Brian Krakow

Sure, he was a total dick to Delia, but that’s only because Angela Chase didn’t tell him that she was using him to get back at Jordan Catalano. To his credit, he told Delia that she was his second choice, but a close second. Because Krakow is nothing if not honest. And true to himself. While everyone else was rocking the grungy flannely look, Brian clung to his jewfro and Bill Cosby sweaters and ‘like’ like a lot.

2. Colin Frissell

Colin is the self-proclaimed god of sex and this American girl does dig his cute British accent. The singular focus and unflappable confidence makes me all giggly. What other cater waiter could tell the actual caterer that her creations taste like a dead baby’s finger? Plus, he was besties with 1 of only 2 black people in the movie, so there’s that.

3. Hoyt Fortenberry

Bless his little virgin-who-lives-at-home heart. You’d think working in construction and being best friends with Jason “Crowned Whore of Bon Temps” Stackhouse would get him some collateral tail, but my boy falls for the only virgin vampire for miles.

4. Jeremy Lin

He’s wearing a freaking bowtie. And is entirely too proud of it.

5. Rebel Wilson

While I’m fairly certain small puppies and my soul were killed in the making of it, I will probably see Pitch Perfect because I loved her in Bridesmaids. And I may be a lesbian.

6. Jesse Eisenberg/Michael Cera

I’m gonna have to play the “all white people look the same card” on this hand because I genuinely do have a hard time telling them apart. The constant jacking their characters get on screen makes me want to hung them tight. Or pull them into my cleavage to see how long it takes to get motorboated. Or suffocate.