Bucknell President Cancels Class Via Psychotic Email

Once or twice per year, at most high schools, some kid would pull the fire alarm, everyone will get out of class, and then after roll is called, you’ll be sent back inside where the culprit will still have time to take the exam he or she was attempting to skip. Of course, these fire alarm scandals are always short-lived, because eventually everyone realizes there’s no fire. It’s an exclusive high school phenomenon that never works, but still, you kind of long for the days during which they were a regular occurrence. Sometimes, you’re all out of absences, it’s nice out, the bar is calling your name, and you just wish someone would pull the proverbial fire alarm in college. Someone at Bucknell just did.

At around 3:45, someone, presumably hacked into President John C. Bravman’s email, and canceled school for tomorrow. That, or he’s experiencing hallucinations. The following email was sent to Bucknell’s entire student body:

Dear Students,

I’m writing in response to a troubling phone conversation I had this morning with the director of EAT-ME (Exotic Animals Taking over Modern Environments). Dr. MeHoff – better known as Jack, believes that a rogue cell of psychedelic tarantulas are migrating towards Lewisburg. In response, I am issuing a campus shutdown effective tomorrow, whenever classes start. Tarantulas are very fond of drag; I advise all ladies to minimize risk by wearing sun dresses. Men, shirt and tie will suffice.

My best,
John

Oh, John –I’m glad I can call you John– I just spoke to Jack MeHoff (#lawlz) and EAT-ME, and there is no such psychedelic tarantula migration scheduled this month. All psychedelic tarantulas are currently in Stevie’s basement tripping balls, with just one sitter among them. If this is just a ploy to get girls to stop wearing shack shirts to class, though, I totally approve.

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co