Celebrate Life

An open letter to Eva Sandler who lost her husband and two sons in the Toulouse terrorist attack.

In 2001, when my son Koby was 13 years old, Palestinian terrorists murdered him with his friend, Yosef Ish Ran, here in Israel. Unfortunately, the horror of that act made me and my family part of Jewish history. Now you and your family are part of history too.

Eva, you are obviously a remarkable Jewish woman already transforming your pain, writing to us telling people to increase their learning of Torah, to light candles before the time Shabbat begins, so that your tragedy brings more light into the world.

And through your generosity of spirit and empathy for the Jewish people, it’s not just the terror perpetrated on your own family that we will remember. Because you named your son Gabriel after Gavriel Holtzberg, who along with his parents was murdered in a terror attack at the Chabad House in Mumbai, we remember him too.

But the question that people are asking me and the question I am asking myself is personal. How are you going to survive this loss? How are you going to survive, period? It’s like being disabled, Binyamin Netanyahu told you after your two children and husband were murdered in a terror attack in Toulouse last week. “It’s like missing a limb.” He is telling you from personal experience because he, too, is bereaved. His brother Yoni was killed in the Entebbe attack.

Like Netanyahu, I can tell you from experience. The pain is indescribable. Nobody wants to imagine it. Everybody is terrified of the pain.

People are also afraid of my family’s pain. Koby and Yosef were cruelly murdered, beaten to death with rocks.

It’s a truck crushing you, a tsunami, an earthquake.

When Koby was murdered, for me it was the feeling that life was not worth living, that everything I counted on was gone.

Evil had invaded my home.

When I grew up in the 1960s in New York, I heard that the Jews suffered. But me. I didn’t suffer. I didn’t understand the Jewish history of suffering.

During the shiva we asked a bereaved father, a rabbi, how we would survive. He told us, “You have to use your pain to grow.”

You are already doing that.

Eva, you remind me of Oscar Pistorius, the South African runner who runs on carbon fiber artificial limbs, blades really. Critics claim that he has an unfair advantage: he’s faster than a regular runner.

You refuse to allow disability to paralyze you. You are already learning to walk while missing limbs.

You see, and most people don’t realize this: you have the ability to do great things.

To go beyond.

Most people are not aware of post traumatic growth – some people who experience tragedy believe that it gives them a kind of wisdom. Some go on to do great things.

But greatness in Judaism has to do with acts of kindness.

Years ago, when I met the actor Christopher Reeves, who played Superman in the movies, he told me that before he was paralyzed in a horse back riding accident, he thought that greatness had to do with heroic activities: sailing around the world alone, climbing high mountains, equestrian jumping.

And then when he was gravely injured, unable to move his limbs, he understood: greatness had to do with everyday kindness and overcoming everyday obstacles.

It’s not surprising that a synonym for kindness in Hebrew is gedula, greatness.

Greatness sometimes means just that – becoming bigger.

The pain and terror of the chaos and darkness and evil of loss is so great it threatens to unbalance you. At first it will.

We build from pain. While our enemies celebrate destruction, we celebrate life.

But you will become greater in order to recalibrate your center of gravity. One day your happiness, too, will become greater. We see that at Camp Koby, the summer camp we run for 400 bereaved children in Israel. Their happiness is tremendous, wonderful. It is, one counselor said, “the happiest place in the world.”

Despite the fact that every kid there has lost a mother, a father, a sister or a brother to terror or tragedy.

I have a handicapped friend who is an excellent swimmer.

She told me, “If the world were a pool, I wouldn’t be disabled.”

There are ways to circumvent the feeling of disability.

Everything now needs to be redefined. You are already doing that.

At our shiva, a general in the IDF came to see us. We had never met him before and as he sat at the edge of the couch, ramrod straight, he told us: “Everybody will go away. And you will be alone in this.”

It’s true. We bereaved are all in the end alone. But we Jews are all also surrounded by a community that refuses to let us fall, that supports us and nourishes us.

As a people we have experienced centuries of rising from the ashes of sadness and redeeming ourselves with a love of Torah and Jewish learning and values including a love for the land of Israel, where your husband and children are now buried. Please God, Israel will also be the site, for you and for all of us, of great simcha, great happiness.

Because the secret of the Jewish people may be this: we are masters in post-traumatic growth. Out of the ashes of the Holocaust, Israel was reborn. We build from pain. While our enemies celebrate destruction, we celebrate creation. We celebrate life.

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About the Author

Sherri Mandell is the author of "The Blessing of a Broken Heart" and the co-founder of The Koby Mandell Foundation. The foundation is running a Send a Kid to Camp Koby Campaign for this coming summer. For more information on Sherri Mandell, her book and the foundation visit www.kobymandell.org.

Visitor Comments: 29

(29)
Marlene Langert,
April 11, 2013 4:09 PM

It gets softer

It is true that the pain never goes away. However, it does get softer. THen it comes back strong and then it gets softer again. One has to let oneself feel that pain deeply, then take a deep breath and get up and live life. You will be a stronger person.I remember saying , "I don't want to learn and grow. I want my old life back!" But, of course, that was not to be. Find out the remarkable strength you have and what doors open to you because you are conscious and aware. You will have the ability to help others because you are more aware to feelings. Get out there and help others. You will feel better.

(28)
Anonymous,
April 11, 2012 5:45 PM

Is there any type of help or site for those of us who for whatever reason find ourselves single in a later stage of life? I'm in my mid 60's, however, I feel I have much to offer to a partner and hope to not live out my life alone.

(27)
Velvel,
April 3, 2012 1:11 AM

sorrow

We all must feel for these families. OMG!, will this ever end? May peace be with you. Shalom.

(26)
Penny Kanefield,
April 2, 2012 6:13 PM

Touched and blessed...

I write with tears in my eyes and some in my heart just to say how very touched and blessed I am by both of these very brave women~I know that pain never goes away.....May G-d hold you close in His arms, and give you all the peace and grace you can hold~You are loved~Shalom~

(25)
Anonymous,
April 1, 2012 2:59 AM

yesher kochech

there is nothing to say in front of this terrible event
mrs Sandler hamakom yenachem otchem betoch shear avaletsion veyerushalaim
Hashem will certainly comfort you as well as he will comfort the Jews who mourn Zion for sure
hamashiach should come very soon and you will see your beloved family again

(24)
Edit Abudarham,
March 30, 2012 12:41 PM

Beautiful

What a beautiful letter- last weeks attack has been playing on my mind continoulsy but admittedly, like u say, we will eventually forget but you will continue to remember every living day. and the fact that today you can stand up here and share your experience & your pain with Eva, a woman whose whole life has also been turned upside down, that is merit, that is greatness, that is beauty. May your continue to find the strength to share your strength with people and may H comfort you all the days of your life. Shabbat shalom to all the great women, men and children who have suffered the same and who today are standing strong!

(23)
Maureen Katz,
March 30, 2012 2:44 AM

How enriched I am now and forever by your open letter Sherri

Having met your husband as part of the first ever aish.com Mission in October 2010 I knew that I would have the strength to meet and overcome obstacles....BUT this letter and what you have accomplished to enrich so many and what Eva Sandler is already doing leaves me in awe and gives me the drive to overcome any issues which are far far less than what you both have endured.
May the memory of Kobi and the Sandler father and beloved children be for a blessing always.

(22)
shoshana,
March 29, 2012 9:27 PM

a true inspiration

i never met you, sherri mandel, but I am trully inspired by the articles you write! i also admire the fact that you try to console those that, unfotunately, went through the same tragedy that you faced. although many of us have faced death of family members, there is nothing I can say to help someone who loosed close family members do to such cruelty. i am sorry for those that have faced such horror that they will never be able to get passed, but I am glad that they are able to get some level of support and hope from your words, heart and soul! i hope you continue to to be an inspiration for the whole world (for good times as well)!

(21)
richard,
March 29, 2012 11:51 AM

In life, there must also be justice

Beautifully articulated piece! The Jewish people, unfortunately, continue to need to relearn and re experience the the dark side of mankind. While everything you have said is true, the world cannot grow without justice. The perpetrators of evil and those that support them, either actively or passively must meet their maker, here on earth in order to help make the world a better place.

(20)
Hannah Baruch,
March 28, 2012 7:14 PM

excellent

Most inspirational !!!!!!!

(19)
Dolores Ozdemir,
March 28, 2012 6:02 PM

I, too, grieve for you and you are in my prayers. For you I pray for great courage!

(18)
Carla Shapiro,
March 28, 2012 5:59 PM

The tears do not stop

There are no words only the commitment to be righteous and do righteous deeds in their memory

(17)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2012 5:48 PM

there are no words there are just tears may all these tragedy end and hashem save us all

(16)
Shoshana Cohen,
March 28, 2012 5:32 PM

I was so moved by this letter!

(15)
Chana Batya,
March 28, 2012 5:25 PM

Celebrate Life

My loving thoughts and prayers go out to you. Thank you for your beautiful insights into this horrible tragedy.

(14)
Inbar,
March 28, 2012 5:21 PM

Who is like your people Israel!

Both of you are shining beacons in our world, to be able to change such tragedies into inspiration. Moving me to tears, I wish this would happen to no one ever, EVER. But you create jewels out of pain and horror.
Words fail me, may Hashem bless you and grant success to what you try to achieve.
Ellen

(13)
Eliana,
March 28, 2012 4:19 PM

Living After Death

I was present the first time Sherri Mandell spoke publicly after the loss of Koby. She gained even more of my respect at that time, and still more today. Her encouragement and support for Eva have the strength of one who has been there. (I too have lost a child suddenly, though medically.) It calls forth every bit of strength, every bit of trust in Hashem, to force oneself to draw breath, to open ones eyes in the morning. But we live for those who are unable, for our children who will not grow up to experience all that we anticipated for them. I beg you to continue to daven for BOTH the Sandler and Mandell families, but additionally, to carefully choose how to live your moments to the fullest...not only for yourself, but for the young ones lost so tragically.

(12)
Miriam,
March 28, 2012 4:10 PM

To Eva

I don't think you will be able to see yourself as similar to someone who lost a child. You are more like a holocaust survivor: you lost your husband and two children in one day. May Hashem give you strength. I pray for you. May mashiach come today and wipe the tears off every face.

(11)
German Valbuena,
March 28, 2012 4:00 PM

About your letter to the widow in France.

What an encouraging letter based on your own experience. It is true that only thru suffer and pain, human kind become mature and great.God Bless the people of Israel.

(10)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2012 3:36 PM

As a parent and a husband I can't imagine the pain of losing such dear loved ones. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. May God's grace cover those pains which go beyond words.

(9)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2012 3:36 PM

thanks for sharing your reality

I read your book Sherri and it's amazingly powerful for all of us. In our everyday struggles it helps us realize that problems and pain don't always go away and try to use them to make us stronger. Thanks for your openness and honesty about your suffering. May Hashem give you much strength to keep channeling it so wonderfully as you do. My heart is with you .

(8)
Meg Gillette,
March 28, 2012 2:45 PM

A beautiful letter on rising above the weeds of evil, and suffering in our world to create a beautiful garden of love, nurtured by community and perseverance. Love to you and yours...

(7)
Gila,
March 28, 2012 2:40 PM

Powerful words

Thank you for sharing this letter, Mrs. Mandell. I do feel compelled to make a correction: Gavriel Holtzberg, the shaliach in Mumbai, was murdered along with his wife and other guests. His child, Moshe, was saved by his nanny.

(6)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2012 2:40 PM

Beautiful

Ms. Mandel, This letter is a masterpiece. I believe strongly that through tragedy comes greatness. Our family too has seen tragedy as our grandfather was murdered for merely being a Jew and saving Jewish lives. Its reprecautions affect my father and his siblings until this day. Mrs. Sandler, your strength to write such a letter is honorable. As you said, everyone needs to light shabbat candles. Keep in mind, that on the same shabbat evening we say, "Vayehi Erev, Vayehi Boker." We go through the darkness, but the day will come when there will be light. In Arbit we say, Ve-emunah kol zot after Amidah. In the darkness, we must cling to our Emunah, it is our booey taking us to the shore, and both you Mrs. Mandel and Mrs. Sandler are clearly aware of that. May the day come when AM Yisrael shall see no more darkness and no more tragedy, may we continue to cling to our booey's and may we arrive at the shoreline in the times of redemption B'H. Mrs. Sandler, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

(5)
Laura,
March 28, 2012 2:30 PM

Through my tears....

I can only hope to move through my life and through whatever tests Hashem chooses to send me with the grace of these two incredible women. You are both an inspiration. Thank you.

(4)
alan gabel,
March 28, 2012 2:13 PM

Shalom to Peace and to those who wish us harm

God says to his people- do not despair as life will be greater from the pain and agony of sadness. You will grow and you will state loudly-" Shalom to All". With that, you will defeat evil and those who wish you harm. May the lives of these great people not be lost but remember them and always love them. I am so sorry for her loss.

(3)
Michele,
March 28, 2012 1:09 PM

Mrs. Mandell, you are a good woman.

I would imagine that Mrs.Sandler will receive some kind of comfort from your words -- at least she knows that someone can somewhat identify with her enormous (for lack of a stronger word) pain. You are very good to be willing to re-open your wounds (not that they ever fully healed) in order to try to bring some comfort to a fellow Yid. May Hashem see how his People are loyal to him and continue to serve Him with love even when we endure so much suffering for simply being Jews. May He bless us with the final geulah and grant us shalom!

(2)
Michal,
March 28, 2012 11:32 AM

You taught me so much

Yes, what you write to the bereaved mother Eva Sandler, and what I still remember abourt your own son
Kobi. makes me not only speechless, but pierced through my own sadness about lost people and reminded me, that I have to grow. I often forget it. So thank you very much, Mrs. Mandell, for reminding me.

(1)
Anonymous,
March 27, 2012 12:44 PM

Right now I have a lump in my throat from reading this powerfully moving statement. I am so very sorry that both of you had to experience this horrific loss.