Although I feel that most people with bipolar are more outspoken and loud due to either mood swings, hypomania or some times the effect of antidepressents, I often deal with social anxiety, making me more reserved.

I menitioned the effect of antidepressants. Back seven years ago, before my father was nifter, I took only Paxil an antidepressant. Paxil, besides for working as an antidepressant also helps fight social anxiety and it worked wonders for me until 6 months after my father was Nifter when I went into a full blown manic episode which in time crashed and put me in a terrible depression. Since then I have experienced one long cycle of depression, although most of the time it's moderate or better. But along with my depression I developed several other issues that plague me from time to time. I'm referring to: panick attacks, social anxiety, and strong paranoid thinking.

Panic attacks periodically happens usually when I’m about to or am currenly doing something that makes me very anxious A panic attack, no matter how many times I experience it. If there are new symptoms then I'm convinced the worst is going to happen. Often it's very frightening, but being that they come only sporadically with mostly symptoms that I felt in the past, when I start sensing the beginning of an attack I take lorazepam which is very helpful if taken right away.

Then there’s social anxiety. Back in high school I would spend a lot of time with friends. Where as now I speak to one friend daily and talk to a select few on a weekly basis, back then I would speak to as many as 30 to 40 guys in any given day, some, close friends, others being old buddies, roommates etc. I would often shmooze with friends from Eretz Yisroel at all times of the night and early morning. Most of my life I was mostly introverted. But I know a lot about the world of extrovert.

You thought I was finished, right. Well I wanted to get a lot of my back so I apologize for writing such a lengthy message.

I was speaking about knowing about the extrovert world. My father was an extreme extrovert. He would talk with people from all types of backrounds. If he smiled, then my father talked to him. He always said to me “Smile and the world smiles with you’ Ranging from the most simple of men such as Samba, a man that made more in an hour here in the U.S. then his family could make in a lifetime to speaking to Rudy Guliani as well as many other famous and prestigious people, some who spoke directly to Presidents and Prime Ministers. One of his many life’s achievements was putting out a tape at the young age of 18, working with friends that included Rivi Shwabel. And in fact it was my fathers record, the Kochavim that would get him started on his way through a long list of many classical tapes.

And then there are my three closest friends, all of whom are extreme extroverts. My closest in particular has been successful in just about everything including putting out 4 classic tapes. The group is named “Lev Tahor”. Last week I went with my family to prospect park ice skating rink. While I was busy balancing myself, nervous I’m going to fall at any given moment, the loudspeaker was playing one of lev tahors songs (Im lovon Garti) with my best friend singing away.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. “Why doesn’t he live his own life”? What am I making such a big deal about it? Well it’s not that simple. I grew up surrounded by family and friends that for the most part led or are leading very productive lives, most married young and are successful, all but me. But it’s more then that. People tell me all the time that I remind them of my father being that I strongly resemble him and also tend to share a few similarities, two of them being music and public speaking. Just like him, I play guitar and piano as well as compose songs when I get in the right zone. And so much for the fear of public speaking is worse for some people then death, as long as I have my notes in front of me; I’m totally at ease in front of even several hundreds of people. Okay, I’ll admit it I drink a L’chaim usually before I speak. So what am I supposed to do? Everyone I know, practically is leading the good life or close to it, but me.

But it’s not all negative in my life. Today I have been shown some light in my dark and often painful world. Today I started taking something called nack. It’s, some sort of vitamin or supplement that has only very recently been shown to improve depression dramatically, which can start working in as little as 2 weeks. Then later I came across a website where after careful review that it was legit. It just so happens to be that the name of the site I'm talking about is called “legit on line jobs”. )I will shortly, be making money by promoting hundreds and thousands of ads for a myriad of big websites.

anyone interested in working from your own home, being your own boss and making your own hours all while making a respectable income which is simply dependent on how dedicated you are, go to If you’re currently unemployed, looking for a job, or want extra income on the side I urge you to visit that website and click on the ads link on the top left corner. You never know when the Yeshua will come. It can come in the blink of an eye. For me it may have already started. Remember "smile and the world smiles with you" so keep smiling. Thank you for spending some time to listen what’s been on my shoulders lately.

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