My brother passed away in 2004 and although most people talk about their grieving period after they have recently lost a loved one, I am on here to talk about grief that I have kept inside of me since 2004.

I would also like to add that I lost my father in 1997, and my mother in 2003.

I am sorry if this is in the wrong section of this forum, but I didn't know where to post this, so please move this if it is in the wrong section of this forum.

Basically after the death of the above mentioned family members, I hardly talked to anybody, which includes my sister and my friends. I was foolish enough to believe that I was strong, and that I didn't need to talk to anybody, hence, why I kept the losses and the grief bottled up for so long.
I didn't talk to any Counsellor-though it would have helped, this being because I foolishly believed that I could deal with all of this on my own. The other reason being I didn't think anybody would understand. But this in stored grief has affected my life, and it's almost like I can feel it inside of me, it feels more or less solid. My heart feels as if it has turned to stone, and this stone seems almost solid-as if there is actual stone inside of my heart. It feels dense and heavy and it is unpleasant.

As time went by I realised that this inheld grief was preventing me from moving on in my life. I have lost my motivation in life, and I have become far less self-confident in myself, and I do not trust more or less anybody.
I have become very aloof and distant with everybody that I know, or have met in my life.
My emotions and feelings are frozen, often I feel myself 'going through' a feeling or an emotion, but see myself observing this emotion/feeling from the outside. It is like watching a film, you feel the anger, the fear, the happiness and joy etc but it is only a film, and it does not really belong to you if that makes sense.
When I do feel something like love or joy or happiness, they feel trapped and frozen, it is very short lived. I have not felt real happiness and joy for many years now. Nothing makes me happy, or if it does it is very short lived.
I feel so very lonely and it feels like nobody can understand me, it feels like nobody is like me, and deep down inside that nobody loves me.
My friends tell me that they love me, but I start wondering if they really do love me, the same with partners. In a relationship I do not let anybody get close to me, I have been told by my partners that I need to open myself up and express myself.

Anyhow I feel deeply guilty about my brother's death. I feel guilty in knowing that he was suffering, but as I was not close to him, I did not visit him as I should have done.
I didn't even find out what caused his death, but there is a very strong possibility that he commited suicide. I still do not want to know what caused his death, for then it will open up old wounds and take me back to my past, something I have been avoiding.
The thing that eats me up the most is the look on his face, when I saw his dead body. It was the look of someone who was in great pain or went through a very unpleasant shock. That face still haunts me-it was very unpleasant to see that look upon his face.

I will add this as it relates to my brother's death. Basically my mother went into a coma before she died. My brother didn't get on well with her either, he would play games with her-and they were nasty.
Her health deteriorated-and when she went into a coma, he finally realised what he had done to her (he didn't kill her-it wasn't that! Rather he felt shocked that he had treated her badly, and then she went into this coma and that he felt guilty about the way he had treated her). Anyway he felt so guilty that in his grief (when she had died) he called up to god and asked to go through what she had gone through in her life, he wanted to take up her burden in her life.
Anyway his life also started to deteriorate and he started to neglect himself.
I believe that this was because he lost the will to live-owing to the death of my mother and how he had treated her before she passed-away.
He was 5 feet 11" tall or roughly 1.80 m, and he weighed 6 stones or roughly 38.10 kg on his death, or just before!

I remember once I went to visit him-a few months before he died, he was seriously ill and was in pain. I promised to visit him but never did-this is where the main guilt and shame come from.

We shared the same birth date-but we were born eight years apart, he was older than me. I remember getting a text message from him, wishing me a lovely Happy Birthday on out shared birthday. I sent him one back wishing him the same...
Three days later I receive a phone call from a friend of his, telling me that my brother had passed away!

I could deal with my mothers or fathers deaths more than my brothers death affected me more-especially since I didn't visit him when I promised, and especially since I wasn't that close to him, and more so the look on his face when I saw his dead body.

But the thing is that I want to move on-by this I mean that I am aware that of course when we lose a loved one, we don't just move on and completely cut out the past, and of course we still miss them, but I want to re-gain my motivation, self confidence and I don't want to be distant and aloof with people, and I want to start trusting people again.
See this affects my relationships with friends, partners that I've had and people in general. I cut people out of my life easily-this includes friends, I get angry with them and feel that they are being untrustworthy on purpose, that they are doing things on purpose to upset or hurt me-when this is simply not the case!
I want to be able to open my heart as well, as this freezing of emotions and feelings is horrible. I want to be able to feel with my heart and give people the chance to get close to me, and to give back to them as well.

I have projects that I want to complete in my life, but this death of my brother, and the feelings related with it always creeps back in. I don't see the point in carrying out certain projects, even though friends have told me that I have a real talent in my projects, and have tried to encourage and support me with them.

I hope that I have made sense, if somebody does not understand something that I have said, then please ask me to clarify.

Thank you so very much for reading this-this is the first time I have opened up like this to anybody in my life!

hi Diurnal star i am so sorry for the grief and sadness you have been carrying for so long you are not alone in this problem of not dealing with your grief it,s a big mistake to try and put feelings on hold pretending everything is ok grief recovery comes in stages each different emotion has to be handled and dealt with if you don't it's always to be faced in the future it's usually men who suffer with this as they are bought up to think sharing deep feelings is not the done thing women are better at opening up and talking but of course there are many people of both sexes that suffer from delayed grief so don't think yourself alone in this First i would like you to understand that each of us is responsible for our actions how we relate to our family and loved ones you are not responsible for how your parents or brother were if they had disagreements they belonged to them not you how they died is not your burden to bare just accept what was i think we all can look back and with hindsight do some things differently but it's impossible it's all in the past if we make mistakes like all of us do we just have to forgive ourselves Your family obviously loved you and the best way forward is to make a wonderful life for yourself and be happy because they loved you this is everything they wish you to be Now imagine yourself in heaven and your brother and family are still on earth see your brother suffering trying to cope with you gone and write him a letter to comfort him telling him that you wish you had been there more write of some good memories you shared and about all those unresolved problems that you feel bad about how much you love him then read it thats the same words he would write to you if he could. i know talking helps with grief but as you can't do that at the moment the next best thing is writing it down it will help You sound as if you have some wonderful friends learn to trust them and yourself your protecting yourself from hurt thats not living we all meet people who let us down accept that does happen no one can go through life without some bad experiences but your good friends will be the ones to help you if you let them it's the kindness and love of friends that make life more worthwhile Learning to open up and talk to people is hard if your not used to it but take the first steps and believe me as time goes on it will get so much easier Life can be wonderful don't waste your valuable time being unhappy look to all the good things around you the friends you have and a promising future forgive yourself for any failings just learn from your mistakes and know your family are at peace in heaven they are free of illness and pain and the love you shared still binds you together i pray you find your peace to move forward Hazel x