What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

If only—those words began to haunt me when I realized I had married the wrong person. If only I had listened to my gut, my friends, my family. If only I had never believed that lie, if only I hadn’t been so lonely, if only.

I always knew I would get married later in life. Oh, I had been engaged in college, but at that moment I was more in love with the idea of love than with my fiance. Over time, I held firm to the idea that if I waited to get married, I would surely make the right choice.

Living in a small town at the age of 34, I began to cave to the pressures of the small town mindset. I was continuously grilled about my single and childless choices, or in their eyes, misfortune. Their beliefs nagged at my most basic need to feel love and acceptance. It is funny what the mind can be convinced into believing when confronted with societal norms. If only I wasn’t so difficult to get along with, If only I wasn’t so picky, If only I wasn’t so set in my ways, If only.

From the very beginning of our relationship, there were red flags, but I just kept trying to squeeze a round hole into a square peg. By that point, I had drank the kool-aid. I kept thinking if I worked a little harder, pleased a little more I, too, could have my happily ever after. I could be normal.

After the engagement ring was on my finger, I began to feel like a flower that had been placed in a small, dark closet . My soul began to wither without the light and nourishment of a healthy environment, a loving relationship.

I had became property, something to possess and control.

I was told on a daily basis that I wasn’t good enough, I was spoiled, my hair wasn’t the right color and my clothes weren’t appropriate. Affection became a negotiating tool. Each day I seemed to be a disappointment, not worthy of attention or love. As the verbal and mental manipulation continued I withdrew from friends and family. I was embarrassed to admit I had made a mistake, a big one.

I began to feel like I was crazy. I cried, begged, threw things, argued. I even pleaded to be loved, to be understood. You can’t reason with someone who had no intention of loving you.

What I went through was not love. Hell, it wasn’t even a friendship. What I had was a situation that had to be managed from the inside out

For a long time after my divorce, I wondered how I could have possibly stayed in such a hostile environment. Now I know, through yoga, contemplation, and good ole fashioned therapy, that I had to stay. My soul had to face these ugly truths that I was being told. These were the same truths I had unconsciously told myself for years. I had been living in a controlling, hostile environment, in my mind, my whole life, and this man had merely become the manifestation of my thoughts. It wasn’t until I looked at myself in the mirror, through his eyes, that I began to really see how destructive I had become. Only then could I break the mirror, break the cycle, and fight to breathe.

Somehow, years ago, a voice had whispered “you’re not good enough.” It might have been after the boy in fifth grade told me I had fat knees. Maybe it was the time I was told to quit bawling when I was upset. I could come up with a million times someone had hurt me, but the actual words don’t even matter. What matters is that I began to actually believe them. The common denominator was me.

Every bad choice I had made, including my marriage, was merely a reflection of my low self-worth. I just didn’t think I deserved anything better than what I was getting. To make matters worse, I continually placed myself in negative environments that only seemed to reinforce my beliefs. Talk about self-sabotage.

I now realize I didn’t love my ex-husband any more than he loved me. That was important for me to figure out because I was not a victim. I had done this to myself. Not because I enjoy pain, but because on a deeper level, my soul knew what I needed to learn in order to grow. In order to become the flower that breaks through the underbrush, blooms brightly and leans toward the sun, I had to understand that the universe kept giving me the same lesson over and over until I learned it. Each time the lesson had became more extreme, more urgent until I couldn’t ignore it any longer.

Up to this point in my life I had been worrying more about trying to be the right person for someone than finding the right person for me. I had more masks than a costume shop. It has taken time to pull back those layers to expose the raw flesh beneath. The vulnerable parts that are still tender to the touch.

Now, I have a new life, and I do my best every day to look toward that sun, the light.

Normalcy is just an illusion, and I don’t focus on the “if onlys” anymore. I just live everyday to accept myself as I am.

But every once in a while, I go back to that closet. I open the door, breathe in the stale, musty air and return to my old thought patterns that still try to cling to me like dusty cobwebs. It is those times that I am insecure, afraid, uncomfortable in my own body, and ready to fight the world. Sadly, this battle can only be fought from within. During those moments, I must force myself to brush off the cob webs, turn toward the light, and breathe.

It helps that the light is so much bigger and brighter than in those days. Or maybe it had just been hidden from me by my own cloud of self-doubt. Today, the sun is everywhere; on my yoga mat, in my boyfriend’s arms, in my pets’ eyes.

It was only when I could truly realize my own self worth that I could be free to see the world as it really is. Now I realize the sun was always there, but I just had to be willing to see it.

About Kerrie Shebiel

Kerrie Shebiel had been an educator for 15 years; however, she recently left the classroom to pursue a different path. She became certified as a 200 hour yoga teacher because she still loves to learn and teach others. Kerrie loves all things mindful, and she has a mind full of ideas. She owns Wild Soul Yoga, a mobile yoga studio, that is dedicated to teaching children, as well as adults, the importance of the mind, body and soul connection. She also works with a nonprofit organization, Yoga Kidz, teaching yoga in the classroom. When Kerrie isn’t working, she is loving on her fur babies, spending time with her boyfriend, reading and getting serious about writing. Keep in touch with Kerrie on her yoga studio Facebook page.

Wow – this was exactly what I needed. Sounds like you wrote a page out of my own life. Sometimes I still beat myself for being so slow to learn, but at least I learn. Better days abound for both of us.

This is a brilliant article, well done. So often domestic abuse is only looked at in terms of the "perpertrator" and the "victim", but it's a lot more complex than that, both have lessons to learn. I think you show remarkable insight Kerrie, thank you.

"I began to feel like a flower that had been placed in a small, dark closet "– I agree with everyone else here.. this is beautiful, moving and eerily familiar.. I struggle with self-worth & bad relationships- I am hoping to see the sun before I lose my sight to age- . Loved this.. thank you so much for sharing

So true, I’ve divorced for maybe the same reason, I realize that 1o years are enough for autopunish my self, 2 years ago with the help of my family my friends my partners the police of my country and psicotheraphy now I spend my days filling my own expectatives enjoying my work, looking for the sun withy beloved son and at least we are happy

Your story is really touching dear. I am honestly moved after reading this. My hubby got me a beautiful diamond engagement ring with a lot of excitement from daras diamonds and I believed that this ring was the identity of our love. But I agree with you. After marriage, there was a bit change in his feelings and he suddenly was not romantic as before. I was facing some of the problems and I figured that if I could give him a child, then it won't hamper my married life and I was correct to a certain point. Touch-wood! we are in good spirit nowadays & hope to remain the same. I am glad that at least now you are happy with yourself.

I was with my ex for 3 years n 6mthns n he cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Mr Robinson i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did A Lover Spell for me And after some days, my lover returned back to me I'd like to say that i got a positive result from (robinsonbuckler@yahoo.com) ever since i used his love spell, my lover have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn't take me for granted

wow!!! this is amazing, I can't believe marriage changed just as he promised. well, I was having my troubles in my marriage and i was almost giving up because my partner had given up already and it looked like we were not meant to be. last week I saw a post on how a lady saved her marriage through the help of this great man from Africa and i decided to
try him because it wouldn't take anything from as i was already facing the worst. to my greatest surprise the man said he was going to help and i thought maybe it will take a long time but within 48 hours after he finished his work my husband came home apologizing for the way he hurt me something he would never do normally even if it was obvious he was wrong. seriously i have nothing more to say other than thank you great man. if you thinking your marriage is failing of its a mess and you want to save it please don't give up this really works out here is the email i used to contact him prophetchua@gmail.com again prophetchua@gmail.com i am sure he can help