Story of the Demons

My friend and I have been writing a short story for a while now, and I wanted to post the most recent bit, that I've written. If lots of you like this, I can post the rest of the story when we finish. Enjoy :)

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was that I was lying in a bed. When the memories of the past who-knows-now long came rushing back to me, I wondered why would our kidnappers give me a bed? The next thing I noticed was that my friends were hanging on the wall. They were shackled and hung by their wrists, 2 feet off the ground. Charlotte, Violet, and Sara were still out cold, their heads hanging down as they mumbled in their sleep, but Andrea was wide awake. Her eyes were filled with fear. "Natalie!" She whispered urgently "This is the place. It's where I was kept prisoner. You have to leave, NOW!" I surveyed our cell. It was exactly like I thought Andrea described it. A dark cave, lit by torches hung on the wall. Two tunnels led on to other caves on either side. Nothing was barred. I could easily make my escape, but I couldn't just leave these girls (who had saved my life more than once) to possibly their deaths. Though, maybe I could find the key. I began to devise a plan when I heard a new voice. A man's voice. Through the right entrance, the masked man strode in, still wearing his mask. "Natalie!" he said warmly "I see that you've awoken. Would you like some food? Water? Anything for you." "Why did you bring us here?" I asked firmly. I had no weapon, and knew no defense besides a feeble punch. If we were to escape I would need to think our way out of this. The man sighed. "Down to the point I see. As you wish dear. Come, follow me." He gestured for me to follow him out the right gate. I looked to Andrea for guidance. She shook her head urgently. "Don't go!" she hissed "He'll hurt you!" "Silly girl." the man said "Just because we weren't as kind to you, doesn't mean we will hurt Natalie. Besides, our violence was just." What sort of violence would be just?! I thought. When the man looked in my horrified eyes, he said "Alright, I will even give you back your dagger, so if I hurt you. You can hurt me. That's fair, isn't it?" He pulled a dagger from his belt. It was to small, and to dull, but it was better than nothing. And I wanted to see why he was treating me so much better than the others. "Ok, I will go with you. IF you promise to let my friends and I go in the next hour." The man sighed again. "I suppose. An hour is all the time we need." I didn't like where this was going, but I followed him into the tunnel. We went into a furnished room with a wooden door. It had two wooden chairs and a rock table. The man gestured for me to sit. I remained standing. He shrugged and sat down. "Natalie. I'm sure you've figured out by now that you’re demoness." I nodded, and he continued. "Long ago, demons were created out of rock, mud, and fire by the three fates, or that is how it is told. The fates created the demons to become a thriving culture. To help balance the world, at it's primitive state. And to help the human race become as powerful as it was ment to be. For centuries, the demons did as the were supposed to. The educated the humans, taught them to farm, and write, and become a great society. They were two cultures, side by side. Helping each other to become the best they could be. Then, the great flying creatures from the north, wandered into our lands. They sought food and water. Demons were terrified of the creatures, but the humans seemed, attracted, to them. They befriended the creatures, and called them dragons. At first, they only used their new-found friends to fly and build great fires, and hunt, but they realized the dragons could be used for so much more. They were a weapon. The leaders of the humans, ordered an attack on the demons. Hoping to gain more power from fear than friendship. The attack worked. They burnt the demon city, and killed or enslaved every last demon. For centuries they toiled. Enslaved for the race they had created, doing the most menial jobs everyday without rest. Eventually, the demons had a rebellion. They escaped their homes through force, and ran to hide in the woods. The humans had their "dragon riders" scour the land for the demons. That order is still in effect today. The humans are still hunting demons Natalie. Their still trying to kill every last one of our kind. The race that we brought from the darkness of caves, to the glory of an empire, is trying to kill us." The man had been pacing around the room. He looked at me now with tears in his eyes. "They will stop at no end, until our race is extinct. But you. You Natalie Harpent, have a way to stop them." "Me?" I asked "How could I stop the dragon riders? I don't even want to!" At this the man grew angry. "DON'T WANT TO! They are the one's killing our kind. They are the one's who killed your parents! And you don't want them dead?!" Wait, they had killed my parents. As realization hit, I was filled with anger. I wanted blood. The blood that had spilled from my parents bodies that I had found as they were laying dead in the snow. I wanted revenge. "How can I stop them?" "Do you realize who have been traveling with?" said the man "Do you realize how significant those girls are in this world? Violet alone, who is the most timid, took out a whole ship of Sardilian pirates when she was 10. Andrea, has taken on the entire Neplun market, just for a single egg. Charlotte could take over this entire country by force if she wanted to. If you take out these girls, you will cripple the dragon riders enough to crumple their entire organization, enough for a demon invasion." He pointed to the knife I was holding. "This knife is made of demon crystal. Bring it out, and it could make them go blind from the torture just by looking at it. If you stab them in the heart, it's a slow and painful death, taking up to two weeks. They will go mad with pain, lame from torture, and by the end they will be begging for death."

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This is good. I've never read anything like this before. You should post more. Only thing I would say is I think the character changed her mind to quickly to help them. You should add more detail about her parents deaths. It's a really good idea, but I don't think its quite perfect. Keep working at it.

Oh. My. Goodness. I want more. This is amazing. The suspense is perfect, and even though this selection seems to be picking up in the middle of the story, nothing is too obscure or confusing. This is wonderful. PLEASE post more, and let me know if you do! =)) *rates five and adds to favorites*

First of all, not to be a jerk at all, but it's choppy, confusing, and poorly written. When the man says who killed your parents, theirs no detail, no nothing. You just say you want blood. And since you know who I am, when did you change your name to natalie, and further more... it's just not a great section. You make the characters seem lame, and if you say they're powerful, then how could they be defeated so easily.

Hey! I liked your story. It was very entertaining and I like the beginning as well. I noticed some punctutation and spelling errors, so it could help if you take a look at it again. All in all, good work!

I'm going to skip any structorial comments, as that's a little boring. However, I don't think you build tension much. Although this makes sence when the character is first waking up (as their senses would be slow at this point) it should change as they gain awareness. Try shorter sentences etc. In addtion, the character's mental monolog should be more seperate from their discritption of events surrounding them, this too would help to build tension. Lastly, on this point, you have (in my opini... (more »)

In all my life I have never seen demons portrayed in this light before. I really like it :) Kind of agree with lamp when she says it was choppy but that was only like a little bit, not very much at all. You should definitely continue this, and post it because I would definitely read it!

Very good. The only complaint I have is that there are some parts that just seem "choppy", but they didn't detract too much from the overall quality of the writing. I'm rating it 4 stars. Also, I like how both of our stories are excerpts of much larger ones! (Except I worked on mine on my own) Keep writing!