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10 Signs You’re Over Pregnancy

In every pregnancy, there are the inevitable points where women go, “Yup. I’m done with this now.” Here are ten I’ve recently experienced…

1. The ‘radiant’ period of pregnancy is well and truly over. Now in your third trimester, you have entered a much less convenient phase. Where discomfort rules. Indigestion. Backache. Gas. Constipation. Limbs tucked under ribs.

2. Your oesophagus has made its way to the back of your throat. And stomach acid erupts at intervals like lava from a volcano. By night you snack on Zantac and doze sitting up like a Three Toed Sloth. Which is uncanny, because you’re pretty sure you’re also beginning to look like one.

3. You’re dying to wear something without an elasticized waist. Because nothing fits you anyway, anything that does barely fits just makes you look and feel bigger. More uncomfortable. Try and find a maternity dress that isn’t striped, patterned and doesn’t scream, ‘Hello world. Look at me!’ and you’ll fail.

4. People freely comment that you look “huge.” Others reassure you that, “you don’t even look pregnant from the back.” Oh good, you think, I’ll start walking around backwards then. If only you can figure out how to swivel your head 180 degrees.

5. You are immobile. “Bumps are beautiful,” the same people tell you. But at 30+ weeks, you prefer them on other people.

6. You wish you were in solitary confinement. Away from people. Civilization. Any life form, in fact. And you would be if you were Victorian. Because you wouldn’t catch a Victorian forcing themselves into a pair of skinny maternity jeans. Having a heated debate with a 4 year old about hair clips. Before doing the school run and running to catch the subway to work. No, sir.

7. You’ve realized that ‘taking it easy,’ is about as big a myth as ‘having it all.’ Even when ‘confinement’ does eventually come, if there are other children already in tow, you’re unlikely to get away with laying down wistfully on a chaise lounge with a cold flannel on your brow. Nursery runs and school runs wait for no (wo)man. Plus, your other half would likely have something to say about you doing nothing. Probably something like ‘Pregnancy’s not an illness.’ Before making you watch a You Tube video about African women giving birth whilst simultaneously walking five miles with water-pails on their heads. You don’t want to sit through that. AGAIN.

8. There isn’t a box-set left in the world that you haven’t watched. Not one. You’ve watched them all. And now you’re being forced to watch re-runs. You’ve even written to the producers of Breaking Bad, suggesting story lines for a final final series.

9. You are over ‘Mocktails.’ They’re not fun. The name isn’t cute. And you couldn’t care less that they don’t give you a hangover. YOU NEED A REAL DRINK, DAMMIT!

10. You want your pelvic floor back. Last seen seven months ago, you’ve registered it missing and put up a substantial reward for its safe return. You’re expecting to see it on the back of a milk carton any day.