My Solution to the Russian Anti-Gay Policies Disaster…

As you may have seen yesterday, the matter of the Russian “anti-gay speech” legislation is something that worries and upsets me a great deal, not only due to the Olympic games and other events scheduled to take place there in the next year or two, but also for the many Russian LGBTQ individuals who are already being horrifically impacted by these measures.

I’ve signed petitions on this matter sponsored by a variety of organizations and individuals…and, I suspect that nothing will come of most of them, because Russia has been entirely indifferent to anything other than totalitarianism on this issue.

However, I think there’s a more folksy, grass-roots, linguistic potential solution to this matter which we can introduce; and if it takes off as well as I hope that it might, then some people might begin to notice. It’s a long story on how the idea for this all began, but I shall tell it, because that’s what I do…so, please stick with me if you can; but if not, then just skip to the bit that is past the line of asterisks (“*****”) below.

Back when I was in Ireland, in the middle part of 2003, about a year after I’d started to become involved in the worship of Antinous, I was entertaining a friend who visited from the U.S. (via France) that was my roommate the first year of college at Sarah Lawrence: Christopher Williams, who I have talked about before here. On the first day he was there–and, in fact, within the first few hours–we ended up in a discussion about sex toys (as one does!), and he was describing one toy in particular to me, and felt the need to draw a picture of it. He picked up a piece of paper–which I’m sure I still have in a file somewhere–that was one of my ubiquitous lists: I make lists of all sorts of things, from what to do on a given day, to what I want to add in to an article or file or some other larger project, to things I’d like to get in the near future as far as books or other purchases go, and so forth. In the case of that particular list, it was a few jottings on what I’d like to include in the first iteration of the Antinoan ritual book that I used from 2003 to about 2012, which was hand-written. The list itself usually sat on the book itself, and it did in this case as well, and I didn’t really have the opportunity to tell Christopher that it wasn’t the best piece of paper to use for such a random diagram. Nonetheless, he drew the picture of said sex toy, and he noticed the title of the list: “Things To Put In.” He then underlined the words “Put In” and drew a line pointing to the sex toy picture that he had just drawn. Ha, ha. ha…

I suspect a lot of you see where this may be going! ;)

*****

A few years back in 2003, because the Republican Senator Rick Santorum was so virulently homophobic, enterprising queer activists under the leadership of Dan Savage decided to define the term “santorum” differently than it was intended, with the following results. A few years ago, likewise, when Savage appeared on Stephen Colbert at one point, he re-defined the terms “saddleback” and “absorb” in relation to the megachurch name of Rick “Purpose-Driven-Life” Warren; but, the latter didn’t catch on the way that the “santorum” campaign did…

So, I think something equally important needs to take place in relation to the Russian “anti-gay speech” legislation. And the target: Vladimir Putin.

Here is my suggestion: the word “Vladimir” should be used from now on to refer to “the penis,” but specifically “the penis” in the context of “penetrative anal intercourse” (whether it is between males and males, males and females, or any other potential gender mix, doesn’t matter!); and of course, then “Putin” (i.e. “put-in”) should refer to the “slot” into which the Vladimir is inserted in penile-penetrative anal intercourse, i.e. “the anus.”

As an example, consider these:

“He had such a huge and throbbing Vladimir, my Putin was really hurting afterwards.”

“Fuck me in the Putin with your firm, gigantic Vladimir!”

“Zeus’ Vladimir in Ganymede’s Putin!” (You know…a common old curse amongst the pederasts of Athens!)

To draw upon the vivid imagery presented in two different speeches in the film Team America World Police, Vladimir Putin has proven himself to be both equal parts “dick” and “asshole,” and thus what better way to announce this to the world than to make “Vladimir Putin” synonymous with that most exalted of dick-and-asshole combinations, i.e. penile-penetrative anal sexual intercourse? ;)

So, dear friends, spread the word far and wide: when someone is using their penis to penetrate an anus, it’s called a “Vladimir”; and when someone’s anus is being penetrated by someone’s Vladimir, it’s most definitely a “Putin.”

You all have my permission to copy-and-paste this, link back to it, tweet it, post it on BaceFook, and even reblog this to your dear little heart’s content. Until these ridiculous laws are repealed and an apology is given to the LGBTQ people of Russia, and of the wider world, Vladimir Putin’s name should be synonymous with “dicks-in-assholes.”

Alternately, you can make it a play on words and pronounce his last name as poutain (/py.tɛ̃/) which in the French is rather nasty. Considering that Vladimir already can mean “Man of the people” this makes an interesting spin on things.