Last week, sophomore chemical engineering major Sam Cookley brought his unsuspecting girlfriend before the Aggie Honor Council to accuse her of cheating on him....

Last week, sophomore chemical engineering major Sam Cookley brought his unsuspecting girlfriend before the Aggie Honor Council to accuse her of cheating on him.

Cookley brought forward screenshots of text messages between his girlfriend, Emily Koberson, and someone saved in her phone as “Jacob – bio lab” as evidence.

The Honor Council traditionally deals in matters of exclusively academic, not romantic, dishonesty. However, after a quick meeting to discuss how settling this issue might make the student body actually like them, the Council agreed to accept the case.

“An Aggie does not lie, cheat, or steal,” Blake Browning, a member of the Council, said. “In my time here, I have seen printed answers on fake water bottle wrappers, temporary tattoos, real tattoos, and every depraved act of dishonesty in between. I have even seen a kid fake a hearing disorder for an entire semester so he could play recorded study guides through his hearing aid during tests, but I have never seen a case this deplorable,” Browning said. “We will enforce a precedent today that cheating is not allowed in the Aggie Family, in any sense.”

Koberson spent most of her trial in a state of shock. “Okay, so like, he tells me that he’s taking me on a surprise date, and then we show up at this random building on campus, and he ushers me into a room with a bunch of stoney-faced people! I thought that maybe this time we would go out on a real date, off campus, where they take real money and not dining dollars.”

Her attitude was further soured when the committee decided that, due to her blatant disregard for the Aggie Code of Honor and therefore the Aggie Family, she would be removed from each of her social organizations for the fall semester.

Cookley expressed that he hopes his now ex-girlfriend has learned her lesson. “Justice is served!” Cookley said. “I know the punishment is harsh, but she lied to me and betrayed my trust. I don’t know when I’ll be able to love again.”

The Aggie Honor Code must be taken seriously, regardless of the circumstances.

Timothy Powers, Director of the Aggie Honor System Office, said that this landmark decision ushers in a new era of accountability for students.“You don’t stop being an Aggie when you step outside the classroom. If you break the Honor Code in any way, shape, or form, there will be consequences,” Powers said. “Also, every effort will be made to find ‘Jacob from bio lab.’ That bastard won’t get away with this.”

Related

Lone Star Lady

Can you take a guess where she’s from? Go ahead. Take a guess. If you guessed Pakistan, you’re an idiot. She’s from Somalia (We would like to apologize for that joke. It requires a working knowledge of both state and international flags). It was hard not to be interested when we got an application from a pirate. However, we soon realized she doesn’t have a hook, a pegleg, an eyepatch, or even a parrot. Turns out all she has is a large gun, a tiny fishing boat, and an alcohol problem. I suppose that last one’s sort of pirate-y. And hey, how many pirates do you work with?