Monday, December 22, 2014

go go go!

I am just the worst at blogging. [as you read this post, you'll realize it was started shortly after Halloween..]

I have started writing 5+ posts, but guys I am just in a rut. I can't finish them. So all I can do is watch netflix, eat the three bags of candy I bought for halloween (only to get NOT A SINGLE trick-or-treater. gosh kids are the worst these days), and not blog. Which is bad, because I want to be good at blogging. Or something. (Really I'd like to be good at anything other than watching netflix and eating candy.)

Have you ever had a sore jaw from eating too much candy? Yeah.... me neither...

^^that's not embarrassing or anything.

I decided to be a cool wife and pull and all-nighter to deep clean the house before husband wakes up (early Christmas present). Aaaaaaand here I am. This is how much I don't want to deep clean.

I am just so bad at writing. [Insert clever segue here.]

Here are some words and photos for your enjoyment!

1. Having done a bit of traveling in my years, I have been to a lot of awe-inspiring places. That being said, nothing has blown my mind more than the first time I peed after giving birth. I looked at the nurse about two minutes into the event and said, "this is a really long time." She just stared at me. "Is it really possible for the human body to hold this much urine at one time? I'm still peeing. This is so much pee!" You guys. You don't understand. It was so much urine. So much. Like, Guinness Book of World Records worthy. My nurse didn't even appreciate the fact she was in the midst of a peeing legend. Whatever.

2.

^^If there is one thing that will keep me from going to heaven, it's this. This is Ted Trumpet Bundy. I bought him for fight night. (I'll let you figure that one out.) I'm not proud to tell you that fight night was my idea. Also, since the fish weren't violent enough in the beginning we poured pixie sticks in the bowl. Things got WILD. Nobody died. I'm pretty sure Ted is still alive and well ...somewhere safe. Away from me.

3. In case you didn't think I was enough of a freak,

Dear friends. This is me at fourteen. (fifteen? I really hope not.) I was on a family vacation, and while everyone was getting beautiful photos with the gardens, there I was. Pulling my pants down. Also, I am still trying to get over the fact that my bra is so twisted in the back you can see it through my shirt. Boob noob.

4. Speaking of being a noob, I remembered this fun fact from my past today. Waaaay back a whopping 4 years ago, I was a freshman up at USU. Also, I was VL. (first of all, VL is so 2004. Do people even use that acronym anymore?)

Anyway, so there I was with my lips. And a boy. Turns out this boy really liked me. I thought he was pretty cool, so I told him I liked him too.

Turns out it's not a great idea to tell a guy you like them if you don't mean it. This boy kissed me.

"Oh, uh. Okay? I guess this is normal?" I had no idea what the norm was. You'd think being 18 years old I'd know to keep my lips away from anyone I wasn't genuinely interested in. Alas, I was a noob at this whole kissing people thing.

A few days after the initial kiss, we had a talk.
"I'm not going to kiss other girls. Just you. And I don't want you to kiss other boys."
"Okay."

So I didn't kiss other boys. I mean, let's be real. I had a hard enough time with the whole holding-hands thing with someone I actually liked. Imagine how much of a nervous wreck I would be to kiss someone I liked. YIKES. I assured him I'd keep my lips to myself.

Apparently I missed the memo where "not kissing other people" meant I wasn't allowed to oogle at or crush on any other guy. Ever. So I talked about my biggest crush ever to the kid I was kissing. That biggest crush ever? Yeah, wasn't him.

"WE AGREED NOT TO KISS OTHER PEOPLE!!" he was upset.

"...Right. I never kissed him." did I miss something?
Yes. Yes I did. I made that poor kid really upset and we ended things on a particularly bad note.