The Signs of Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder – A Parody

The following “red flags” may indicate your child is in danger of having Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder (NSD). If your child displays any of the following, take them immediately to an allistic or non- neurotypical pediatrician or family doctor for evaluation. Caught early enough many children have shown dramatic improvement. Studies show that intensive early behavioral interventions can and do help these children flourish giving them the opportunity to become honest, creative, non compliant thinkers who will not be overly concerned with amassing wealth by any means necessary or driven by self-serving desires and wants.

Emoting and peculiar noises when confronted with adults who make ridiculous faces and sounds at them by six months

Excessive self involvement by nine months

Excessive “babbling” seemingly to gain attention by 12 months

Pronounced back and forth gestures such as pointing at random objects, reaching, and waving at anyone who smiles by 12 months

Difficulty occupying themselves, requires others to “entertain” them almost constantly

Tremendous number of words, particularly farm animals, the noises those animals make, peculiar songs about spiders crawling up drain pipes, and the various ways in which a bus and it’s parts work by 18 months

An abundance of ego based two-word phrases such as “I want”, “I need”, “I go” or phrases using “me” by 24 months

Peculiar and inappropriate play with representational objects, such as pretending to feed a plastic doll air, or make the doll “drink” from miniature tea cups by 36 month

Fascination with fairy tales about people falling into endless stupor, only to be woken by a complete stranger’s kiss or meeting someone on a horse and riding off with them, without getting to know them first

Overly concerned with what others think otherwise known as having a “herd mentality”

Overly compliant and especially eager to please any adult, even if the adult is a complete stranger

Rote and often dishonest answers to questions such as “how are you?”

Generalized dishonesty often used to get one’s way by 36 months

Inability to remove emotion from disagreements

Uses language to deceive by 50 months

Mob mentality – tendency to become influenced by those they believe to be in power by 50 months

“Group think” does not question, but follows what is considered to be the majority thinking

Making fun of, laughing at or showing fear toward any who appear different than themselves (this can include those with a different neurology, skin color or even nationality

Difficultly staying present. Constantly thinking about the future or past.

Easily “bored”

It is imperative that you seek help for your child if you suspect they are at risk. Though Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder can be mildly to severely disabling, NT Speaks has numerous resources for families whose children may be suffering and afflicted. You will be relieved to know NT Speaks employs not a single neurotypical and no Neurotypicals are on their advisory boards. In fact we do not consult, listen to, or speak with any who are on the neurotypical spectrum as we have learned they have a tendency to be dishonest, will do anything to be “liked” and are almost always self-serving. We are a non-profit whose goal is to cure neurotypicals. All our research dollars go toward funding pre-natal testing and cures for this terrible crisis our world is currently facing. Do not let your child become a burden on an already beleaguered society. Let us help you. Call us at 999-9999-9999 (en Espanol 999-9999-9990) or email saveusfromtheapocolypse@neurotypicalspeaks.org

*This post is a parody. However the wording is almost identical to the wording used by many organizations that claim to want to “help” those who are Autistic.

I love it. We had been dealing with the impending neuro-typical diagnosis of my youngest daughter until last week. The specialist said “not even close” regarding asd. In our situation there is the dynamic of divorced parents and that is the bulk of the reason for needing to get a diagnosis.

Do not underestimate the difficulties a NSD diagnosis can have on their non-NSD siblings as well. Studies (completely unverified) have shown “One NSD child can bring the entire family down.” But remember, if nothing else you are heroic and your NSD child is an angel. (Granted a fallen one, but angel-ish, never-the-less)

You are a saint for shining a light on this poorly understood issue. There are days I feel I cannot possibly deal with the burden, but I must go on. I know others can draw strength from our small victories.

Ariane, that was awesome. Only one thing – could you potentially put a “Begin Parody” or “Begin Sarcasm” notice at the beginning? It took me a little while even though it was kinda obvious that it was sarcasm, and when I read it again knowing that, it was all the better. 😛

I was in danger of having one of these children but fortunately she was raised by an Autistic mother. I’m happy to say that thanks to early and intensive intervention she was fully cured by high school and went on to thrive at one of the most unconventional colleges in the country. I’m so relieved to have escaped contributing to the already massive societal burden. 🙂

Thank you for helping to raise awareness, Ariane. If we all do our part, we can help these poor souls live meaningful lives and give appropriate support to the families caught up in this dreadful epidemic.

Yes, Ariane, this is wonderful. And keep in mind that so many people who suffer from neurotypicality also have GI problems and other serious medical conditions! I am very sure that the heavy metals in the atmosphere and in their vaccinations and not in their vaccinations and in the soil and in their thermometers are a direct cause of their tremendous and constant suffering! And the prenatal tests are a great idea, because the extensive internet research I have conducted has convinced me that neurotypicality is almost entirely connected to birth!

Ariane… I have been so worried that if Matt and I have a baby, the baby could be neuro-typical, With a neuro-typical mother the risks are high. The child would have a hard time fitting in with the rest of its family and face all kinds of difficulties living in a predominantly Autistic world… I really hope you will be able to support us if we need to raise a neuro-typical child.
(sort of playing along but actually so serious…)
=P
x

As ever, Ariane, you manage to put the needs of that abused neuromajority into language which embodies their daily challenges. If ONLY we could just manage to cure them of their lack of sensory processing problems and induce some nice perseverating thoughts in them!

Oh dear Frank, I am so sorry. I hear there is an excellent place that administers electric shocks to people such as yourself with amazing results. Many have even learned to “pass” and are now indistinguishable among their peers. Good luck! 😉

In all seriousness, it made me sad too. Reading the literature, things I read when my daughter was first diagnosed and didn’t think twice about I now read with horror. I am hoping that too will change eventually.

Those without autism can have full and rich lives worth living, despite not being able to perseverate properly, engage in accurate echolalia, or detect the annoyingness of sensory pollutants. There is no cure. The solution is to embrace neurodiversity in all its splendor and celebrate the wide variety in the world of people. Love. Respect. Solidarity. 😀

Is there any indication at which age the excessive “babbling” to gain the attention of others, and the requirement to be entertained by others, go away?
Are there known therapies for these afflictions? I’m very concerned that my two youngest seem to have several aspects of both NSD, and at the same time, several aspects of ASD. Any advice would be much appreciated.

PS. You should convert your organisations phone number to a pay-per-second (premium) number, there is something wrong with it as nobody ever answers it! 😥

Oh dear! Will amend phone number immediately (we had an NT intern working on it, but they aren’t very good at this sort of thing).
40 hours a week of behavioral therapy can help, it will not cure them, but they will learn to pass!

I just came across this and felt numerous emotions…One was humour as you really nailed it…but the other was sadness and anger at the fact that I face words like this about me and my children ALL the time in Autism supports, books and people who are supposed to be helping us. While some of the statements above were a general blanket of truth about normal people when i think of the NT’s I know, I don’t think of those statements…I take them individually and that is the problem with these things as you point out, We are taken as a set of criteria…not individually. I just feel like laughing and crying about it at the same time.
Just today I tried to get Cognitive therapy for anger management in my son as he wants to control some of it but has a hard time and I felt a professional would help him more. I was told that “Since he is Autistic this is not a mental health issue but behavioural or parenting and we can not help you. He will just grow into what he needs and we recommend more socializing or putting him in school so he can learn how inappropriate he is in comparison to his peers.” Are you freaking serious?!!??! That is what one of the leading “professionals” in my area told me. How is this helping? She went on to talk about how capable and smart I sound and so does my son, so we don’t need help apparently. Frankly I am relieved we are not receiving help from ignorant people but it really made me stop and think about how prevalent this ignorance is in the “helping” professions.

Anyway, thanks for writing this:)
And Meade:”If you have met one Autistic you have met ONE autistic.” I am sure there are some who perhaps are Racist…just like there are MANY normal people who are racist too but in general, it’s not the case…As for past, future ect it depends on the person, but I do think most NT’s I know in general, do think about future goals and achievements a lot more as well as past. However, it’s a parody. She is showing that the blanket statements just are not true for everyone even if they do have a few zings of truth…it is simply unfair to judge people based on a set of criteria…so of course many NT people you know live in the here and now but a common generalization would maybe be the opposite and it would be untrue based on individual assessment…that is the whole point…that Autistics are given lists and descriptions like this, made to make us feel less than, defected and like we are a sub human group. You hit the nail on the head…it just doesn’t sit well does it?

Thanks so much Kmarie. It was tough writing such blanket and often absurd statements, my mind kept saying to myself – You can’t write that! It’s not true! – so yeah, that’s the point. It’s not TRUE for any of us!

Those poor NTs will never know what they are missing unless we make them organise all the items in a line from biggest to smallest over and over again. They may never learn to full enjoy this life-affirming activity, but they will get really good at it. Some of them might even learn it as a second nature, even though it should be their first nature. We must make them do this, even if it means they have less time to pursue their life goals, they will be able to organise objects and since I enjoy that it must be hugely important that they know how to do it to, and that they smile the whole time, pretending to enjoy it. You know, despite the fact that they were forced into it. If they don’t smile about it, that just proves we need more electroshock therapy.

peculiar songs about […] the various ways in which a bus and it’s parts work by 18 months
Oh, so much this! Because I had little useful speech as a child, it was assumed that there wasn’t much going on in my head, and I was heartily sick of that song, along with the Postman Pat theme tune and sundry others. That’s why, when it was being sung one day, I finished off the first verse with the phrase, “Over you.” I tell you, the result was well worth having to spend seven minutes of my birthday on the naughty step!

NT speaks sounds like a worthy cause. As a non-NT, I realize that NT adults/teenagers have trouble with intellectual mathematical puzzles due to their zealous inability to use emotional explanations for daily Sudoku puzzles. A NT I know continuously frowns at a 2 star puzzle, and doesn’t realize that the puzzle could be solved in two minutes using rudimentary logic. I googled NT charities, and I was shocked to discover that grown NT adults use verbal language incoherently, often confusing dictionary meanings of words with emotional connotations. Does NT speaks offer elocution lessons?

Now, I have been diagnosed with an ASD and ADD about two years ago and I was never uncomfortable about it until I found that condition and any terms associated by it (like “neurotypicals”) to be redefined by some kind of “We against Them” sub-culture among people with the diagnoses, complete with a nickname for themselves, that seems to be pointing out the very repelling things in those duh NT’s that they can’t see in themselves which could have been the reason for the treatment they got in the first place. And the world owes them something for that (seeing that 99% of the population is NT’s and they are the special 1%…) It is very hard if not impossible to distinguish between “Aspies” and typical Borderline PD cases among these clicks (yes, CLICKS! Because it seems like all those resentful clubmembers are being subject to group-think, fearful of being named – oh my God, do I have to say it – an NT!! ) You are more ridiculous than your mortal enemies and likely the reason that this diagnoses was removed from the DSM. Too many self-serving, egoistic interpretations. And I am not a fucking “Aspie”.

NTs often use “figurative language” to describe things and “sarcasm,” which is saying the opposite of what they’re feeling in a peculiar tone. They also show nuances with “body language” that other NTs can easily read. 😛

That is about the funniest thing I have read for a long time. I am in the process of writing a book on the art of surving autism.
My son is a perfect young man (turning 20).
He just so happens to be Autistic.
Not Aspergic…which tends to be trendy these days as does ADD.
My life is a circus. Wouldnt have it any other way. Put it this way….I m never bored.
Thank you for writing that Parody!

I have just printed this out and slipped it into a library book, ‘Cognitive Disability and it’s challenge to Moral Philosophy. Hope this is O.K. I have to confess to being mostly neurotypical, but living with a wonderful aspie husband and having a , now adult, autistic son have learnt not to act like a Tippie all the time – and I can help them sometimes to understand better why the world is so frustratingly illogical.

Very funny but sadly true. I would add excessive interest in people in weird costumes symbolizing fake characters (Disney) by 4 yrs old, and ignorance of and immaturity towards the opinions, interests, and physical/mental difference of others by age 7.