Cheating contest

October 23, 2006

CASEY LAUGHMAN takes a look at the comeback of an old country standard -- the infidelity song. They're familiar characters to country music fans: The no-good woman who done you wrong. The yellow-bellied snake that ran around on you with your sister. Cheating songs have been an important part of country music as long as there's been cowboy hats and steel guitar. After a few years away, they're starting to make a comeback. Songs dealing with infidelity have hit the charts in the last couple years from artists ranging from Gretchen Wilson to Tracy Byrd. Even "American Idol" sweetheart Carrie Underwood has gotten into the act with her most recent single "Before He Cheats," a scorching tale of vengeance on a man who dared to treat her as just another one of his playthings. Here's a look at some of the recent cheating songs along with a Done Me Wrong-o-Meter and a Vengeance Scale, both on a 1-10 scale. ___ "Revenge of a Middle-Aged Woman," by Tracy Byrd Key lyric: "So she took me out to breakfast, put it on his credit card. By the time they poured the coffee, she was pouring out her heart. Stories of his sneakin' round and sordid escapades. Secretaries, waitresses and bimbos half his age." The story: This one's a twist on the cheating song, because it tells the story from the point of view of someone who benefits from the cad's infidelity. The song starts with Byrd being interested in buying the scumbag's Mercedes from his scorned wife for $700 -- and ends with Byrd taking his car, his golf clubs AND his wife. Done Me Wrong-o-Meter: 7. The scumbag throws away a long-time marriage for a series of quick flings with pretty young thangs half his age. Vengeance Scale: 8. The cheater ends up losing everything and the cheated moves right on to the next guy. ___ "Cheatin'," by Sara Evans Key lyric: "How do you like that beat up car. I think it's fair we traded. Your pickup truck is runnin' fine. It's a cozy ride for datin'." The story: Tough luck, mister. You may have thought you were God's gift to women -- until your woman took your truck, your house and just about everything else. While the villain is eating pork and beans and can't sleep because he realizes that he threw away a good thing, the heroine is living it up without a minute's regret. Done Me Wrong-o-Meter: 6. Not quite as bad as breaking up 20 years or so of marriage, but still plenty sleazy. At least he admits that he did the wrong thing. Vengeance Scale: 7. Not only is she offering the use of his pickup truck for her dates, she's bragging about it. Staggering Irony Bonus: Evans filed for divorce from her unemployed, former Congressional candidate husband last week because, among other things, he was allegedly cheating on her. To make the whole thing even more weird, Evans' husband, Craig Schelske, claimed on Friday that Evans was cheating on him, not the other way around. So custody of the pickup is apparently still up in the air. ___ "When I Think About Cheating," by Gretchen Wilson Key lyric: "Even when I'm tempted by some stranger, oh there's never any danger. I just think about you leavin', when I think about cheatin'." The story: Wilson may be a Redneck Woman, but she's smart enough to realize that sometimes, the grass is plenty green where you are. And while she wonders what might happen if she follows through, she can't stand the thought of losing the man that she loves by giving in. It's very much a traditional country ballad with a theme that isn't often explored. Done Me Wrong-o-Meter: 1. While she was thinking about it, there was no follow-through. Vengeance Scale: 1. Again, nothing to really get revenge for. ___ "Before He Cheats," by Carrie Underwood Key lyric: "Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel-drive...carved my name into his leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights, slashed a hole in all four tires...Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats." The story: A much more, um, proactive approach to the situation. Instead of lamenting love that's lost, Underwood brags about teaching the jerk a lesson by destroying what he loves the most. Underwood's smoky voice and swagger and the intimidating music make this a song that will scare anybody who's thinking of infidelity straight. Done Me Wrong-o-Meter: 7. He's out shamelessly putting the moves on some girl in a bar -- teaching her to play pool, getting her drunk -- without a thought for the woman he already has. Vengeance Scale: 10. Nothing helps deaden the sting of infidelity like several thousand dollars worth of damage to the cheater's beloved pickup truck. ___ And while you're at it, don't forget classic cheating-heart country. __ asap contributor Casey Laughman hopes he never makes Carrie Underwood mad. Then again, he only has a Hyundai. ___