Fatherhood: The best job I've ever had

Saturday

Jun 15, 2013 at 4:30 AM

Father’s Day is Sunday, and it has me thinking, what does it mean to be a father?

Bruce BensonColumnist

Father’s Day is Sunday, and it has me thinking, what does it mean to be a father?It’s quite simple to make, or sire, a child. Ask any man and he’ll assure you, if he’s honest, the act is a biological imperative, especially when you are young.But to sire a child is not the same as to father a child, and I believe fathering a child is also a biological imperative.I witnessed the birth of all three of my children, and it was nothing short of magical. When I saw those beautiful babies being born, the desire, or need, or passion to look after them, to feed them, protect them, teach them, was just as strong as the biological imperative I mentioned earlier. Different, yes, but just as strong, perhaps stronger, and less transient.I know some men don’t feel this as strongly, and they are not necessarily to be blamed for this. There is no strength of my character that makes me feel this way. It just is. No credit to me at all.But there is doubt in this job of dad, and I’m sure all those who father feel it. Did I do the right thing? Should I have yelled when I did? Why did I lose it on the kid over his report card? Was I too strict? Was I not strict enough? And on and on.And guilt! I should have been there for that. I should have been there for this. I should have done this, or that. Again, it goes on and on. We never know whether we’ve done a good job. Never. We just try.I asked my son recently in the fishing boat, “So, Ti, have I been a good dad?”“You’ve been an awesome Dad,” he replied.Later I asked my other son Jake, “On a scale of one to 10, how would you rank me as a dad?”

“Two,” he said, and then admitted he was joking. He assured me he loves me.This is a great thing about being a father. Your children grow up loving you. (Mothers, too.)We get a reprieve. We are forgiven our trespasses by our children, if they are not too severe. If we make mistakes, but they are out of love and concern, they forgive us.I don’t know about anybody else, but nobody gave me a handbook on being a dad. The children came with no instructions, and I’ve been winging it for 20 years. Mistakes? Countless. Regrets? Countless. Would I trade it in for anything? Absolutely not.It’s the best job I’ve ever had, but though it is a lot of hard work, it’s not really a job. It pays nothing monetarily, quite the contrary. It’s just love.I’ve tried to be like my own father, a man who exemplifies two things — intelligence and kindness. I remember playing hockey as a child. My father was the coach. He was completely unconcerned with us winning any games.I witnessed other coaches playing their “star” players much more than the other kids who couldn’t skate as well or handle the puck as well. Some kids on other teams sat on the bench and never saw the ice. Not so with my father (and, if he asked, I would tell him he was an awesome father).He went by what he dubbed the number system. If 13 kids showed up, he would number them one to 13. The only instructions he would give would be “remember your number.”The game requires five players on the ice beyond the goaltender. Every three minutes, like clockwork, we would have a shift change. The first shift would be numbers one to five, then six to 10, then 11 to thirteen and one and two, then three to seven ... you get the picture. Every child had the same amount of ice time.I’ve spoken to former teammates some 30 years later, and they remember the number system. We hardly won a game — in fact, I’m not sure we ever did. But we had fun. Nobody was left out. In this, my father influenced all of the kids on the team. For a brief time, he was father to all the players on the team, and a good one.

As a high school principal for 30 years, my father has acted “fatherly” to many children; just as many men have been fatherly to me.Perhaps it’s not being fatherly, but being kind, that is the most important trait in the human animal.They say it takes a village to raise a child. If that is so, then all us men are, in a sense, fathers to all the children in our community. It’s a great responsibility, but I believe if we just focus on that one thing — being kind — we can’t mess it up too bad.My children will soon be 16, 18 and 20. The formative years, when I had the greatest influence being a dad, are mostly gone. I will always be Dad to my children, but they pretty much are who they’re going to be now.Did I do a good job? Was I a good dad? Was I awesome? Or not?Singer Rod Stewart has a song called “Forever Young” about his children. “And when you finally fly away, I’ll be hoping that I served you well. For all the wisdom of a lifetime no one can ever tell.”