Category: Dating

I know that they say that women shouldn’t reveal their age, but I don’t really care. I’ll be 30 in December. I’m not so sure how I feel about it yet…don’t even know if I’m actually feeling anything at all, but I’m definitely becoming more aware of the arrival the closer it gets.

I’d like to think that my concerns are normal. Relationship status. Career status. Life in general status. There’s something about closing in on this decade that really makes me reflect on the past and hope for better in the future. It all boils down to time. I always worry about wasted time. Looking back into my 20’s, I can think of so many times where I gave time to undeserving things and people.

Welp. 30 is coming, and I don’t plan to do the same this decade around.

The same things that I sometimes worry about are the same things that I am grateful for. Yes, I’m very single but at least I’m not going into my 30’s wasting time in a terrible ‘relationship’. I sleep just fine knowing that I’m not worried about being hurt by a man. I may not have an six figure career, but I’m steadily working to better myself–even going back to school.

When I REALLY think about it, I’m not doing as bad as I could be. I count my blessings for sure. The real truth is that the standards of age mean nothing. We each have our own path. We each have a journey full of experiences that no one else can share completely. We each have our own pace–things are done just when they should be. I’ve learned to have even more trust in myself. As long as I’m moving towards progress, I’m able to snap out of my random pity parties.

I really had no intended photo for today’s post, so here’s a gif of my fave Tina Belcher courtesy of giphy.com

I’m not sure what happened, or even WHEN it happened, but there’s been a sudden rise in pretty men giving women advice. These men make videos and post statuses that tell women just why their relationships are unsuccessful, why their mindset needs to change, why they’re not attracting decent men, what men are looking for, and even telling men what they are doing wrong (women REALLY eat this part up it says, “Oh, he’s on our side!”). I’ve seen quite a few of these “attractive advisors”, and I’ve been left with questions:

Isn’t this common sense? Why are these women eating this up as if they’ve never heard of these basic concepts before? Haven’t they lived and experienced on their own to learn these things without having this pretty man tell them what’s up?

Nothing that I have seen or heard from these men has been mind-blowing. Hell, I’ve been saying some of the same things for years! I have friends who’ve said the same things! A lot of the ideas are just logical concepts on how relationships and human interaction work–LOGICAL. They’re just delivered by a handsome face and a smile. Are women incapable of understanding logical ideas unless their presented by a man?

I think women are VERY capable, which is why these men bother me and the women who follow them puzzle me. It’s bad enough that women are seen as “emotional creatures who can’t possibly make decisions based on logic or rationale”, it really doesn’t help to see these guys use emotional appeal to gain the female audience. They tell you how beautiful you are and appeal to your desire to have a man understand your plight in the quest for love. They even have you asking yourself, “Why can’t I find someone like him?”

That’s EXACTLY where the problem lies. Ladies, these men have no idea who you are so your chances with them are very slim. Of course everything looks and sounds like perfection, but would you listen if he wasn’t so handsome? No matter what these men tell you, unless you’re able to learn from your own experiences and be truthful with yourself in those experiences, you’re wasting your time hanging on their every word.

As I’ve said earlier, I’ve already realized everything that these guys say. I’ve either experiened it myself, witnessed and learned, or learned from friends. At the end of it all, I’ve still made dumb choices, ones that I have completely owned up to. Why do I own these mistakes? Because I believe in being honest with yourself, you’ll understand how dangerous it is to hang onto those pretty words instead of honestly learning from your experiences. I can’t even say that my mistakes were mistakes, I knew better and chose to do the exact opposite.

These guys are cool and all, but before this social media phenomenon there was always common sense. Be honest with yourself. Take time to seek wisdom outside of social media. Live and learn on your own terms and stop hanging onto the words of those pretty men.

There I was. About to go right ahead and create another online dating profile, when I thought about the dreaded “About Me” section. Whenever I’m asked to describe myself, I always feel antsy. I find it weird to sit and talk about how I see myself. I end up getting a bit panicky and thinking too hard about my self-description. Next thing I know, I’m questioning EVERYTHING about myself.

How do we know how to describe ourselves to others?

We all are trying to discover who we are as people. We all think that we have a good idea of who we are and how to relay that to others but are our descriptions even true to who we are? What we find is that the way we see ourselves is nothing like others see us.

When it comes to the online dating world one question comes up a lot: “What’s your sign?”

I thought about this question recently when a customer who happened to share my December 7 birthday brought up the subject of astrology. She asked me if I were a true Sagittarius. I told her that I had no idea. She told me that in her research, she’d found herself to be a Sagittarius through and through. I’d never taken the time to really research my astrological sign; I always thought that our mind was pre-conditioned to believe what we read about our signs because we’ve already been told what our signs are.

BUUUUT…I’m always down to learn something new. I took to the interwebs to see just what this Sagitarrius life is all about. With every word I read, I felt like someone was describing me to a T. Of every characteristic of my sign, I only disagreed with one–which makes sense, there’s always an exception to things like that. So, I guess I could describe myself based on my astrological sign?

Well, in the case of online dating I could very well type a bunch of Dr. Seuss quotes and it wouldn’t matter. Do people REALLY use astrology as a means to find how they relate to others and choose their potential mate? Or is the question about my sign just a conversation starter? I may never get to find out.

Every online dating experience starts the same way. I set up the profile and I just wait for the messages to start popping up. I’ll even waste time writing a decent bio as if someone will take the time to read it–what am I thinking? I’ll get a lot of flirts, “So-and-so wants to meet you!”, but I won’t get enough messages to match the superficial “swipe left or right” flirting. By the time I get my third or fourth “hey wyd?” or “wats up sexy?”, I’m poised and ready to deactivate my account.

Why the hell am I doing this again?

Instead of deactivating, I press forward. I mean, how can I ever meet anyone if I can’t keep a profile for more than an hour? Ok, cool. I’ll actually strike up a continuous convo with about 2 or 3 guys. Next, I’ll get overwhelmed about the idea of entertaining more than one guy at a time–really stretching my player muscles. I may even exchange numbers, but I don’t save the numbers since I figure that I won’t need them past the first week. We’ll text up a storm–or drizzle rather–but we’ll never meet. I generally don’t meet the guy for one of two reasons: our schedules won’t match up, or I’m refusing a hookup of some sort. Before you know it, I’ve deleted the message threads from my phone.

I don’t feel like I’ve wasted time because I sometimes see the online dating experience as a welcome distraction from my usual grind. What DOES set me off is the fact that EVERY interaction ends the same way. I can only play “Ring Around The Text Message” for so long. I hate small talk.

The next step is deactivation. My patience has been depleted and defeated. After each experience, I’m left asking myself why I bothered in the first place, and why I keep giving online dating any time at all.

I’ve tried all the methods. I’ve held conversation after conversation. I’ve laid down my charm smackdown in the inbox. I’ve even taken it upon myself to approach the guy first in the hopes of actually connecting with someone I’m initially interested in. No matter what, NO DICE!!! I don’t get it.

I KNOW there are decent guys out there in the online dating world–I’m a decent woman whose been in that same world. I’m usually left concluding that those men either don’t find me attractive, OR I didn’t stick around long enough to catch one–not that they’re Pokemon or anything. I just need to understand how to make the online thing work for me, especially since it seems like that’s the only way to get a guy to talk to me in the first place. I’m sure that online dating can be a great thing, but I feel like too many people are just running amuck, so the experience amounts to nothing.

I know the whole world is not about to change for me, but what I need is physical energy. I need dating in the real world. I need to be around you in person. I need to be able to talk to you and not feel like I’m the one carrying the conversation. I need for you to not be 20 years older than me. I need for you to not Catfish me. If you’re down for some good ol’fashioned dating, then I’m all for it. I’m sure we’d have to dig into the ancient artifacts to find out what that kind of dating is, but that’s cool.

Am I asking for too much??

For those out there fighting that good online dating fight, I salute you. You have a patience that I have yet to master.

P.S.

I downloaded another dating app–I’ve been on there before a few times–and I have yet to even open it since downloading. I’m trying to muster up the strength to go forward. So far, I haven’t mustered nor ketchuped any strength.

When two people really love and respect each other it’s a little easier to know where you stand. In a perfect world, all relationships make sense. All relationships are healthy. All relationships are fulfilling.

Tough luck. This world ain’t perfect.

What happens when every day of your relationship feels like torture? What happens when you love them, but they don’t seem to love you? What happens when you realize that you’re nothing more than a convenient resource? It’d be stupid to hang around for that, right?

Actually, you WILLlet these things happen to you. You are going to stick around and endure the madness. You’ll even ask yourself, “WHY AM I STICKING AROUND FOR THIS???”. Well, I can’t tell you why YOU’RE sticking around, but I can tell you why I did.

It was comfortable.

I’m not about to go through every annoying detail–I honestly don’t have the strength–but the long and short of it all is that there was a baby involved. A baby that wasn’t mine. The feelings of anger, humiliation, and stupidity that I felt were unreal. I was hurt because I felt betrayed. I was more upset with myself than I was with him. After finding out what happened, I still stuck around.

I stuck around because I loved in spite of. I stuck around because I was comfortable and didn’t want to start over, no matter how badly my trust had been damaged. The dynamic wasn’t the same, I could never really trust him again, yet there I was. I’m not the only one who’s done this. Sometimes we rationalize–or at least TRY to–to make ourselves feel that it’s better to deal with the problems we’re used to, instead of trying to find better for ourselves. I thinkthat whole idea is TRASH. That’s what you tell yourself when you’d rather make excuses than make changes.

It took me a long time to be comfortable with my single self. He was the hardest to let go of–I definitely slipped up a few times–but I knew it had to be done. I even found myself wondering if maybe I should be with him since he knew me so well, but I got over that idea eventually. It was only hard because I was afraid that I’d be alone forever. Over time, I came to this realization: I’d rather feel lonely from time to time while single than feel lonely and stupid while in a relationship. It’s not fair to let someone disrespect you or the relationship. It’s not fair to allow yourself to be torn apart for the sake of keeping the peace.

Sometimes, you have to choose yourself. That person has made their choices with no regard to how it would affect you, so why continue to imprison yourself emotionally to accommodate them? No, it’s not easy being single and being forced to learn yourself, but I promise that thepreparation is a setup for a better point of view. I don’t know about you, but I’m over allowing someone to destroy my dignity. I’m over allowing someone to turn my love into a weakness where I allow myself to be humiliated for the sake of pleasing someone who gets to do what they want.

Letting go is easier said than done. DUH. Easy or not, it’s necessary. Don’t make accommodations for unhealthy comfort, you’re only cheating yourself. I’m not even saying that you necessarily need to start over with someone else, you need to start over with yourself.

Don’t lose yourself for the sake of comfort, you’ll never get that time back. Don’t choose to be imprisoned.

There’s nothing like the disappointment of an unmet expectation. One the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in life has been to be careful of what I expect from people–I can be horrible when it comes to this. In most cases, people will fail to meet those expectations–without even knowing that they’ve failed your test–and you’ll be left with anger and frustration while they’re just living their lives. I think that the expectations of relationships can have the same effect. If you ask certain people what they want from a relationship, they’ll tell you that they WANT IT ALL.

I’ll just come right out and say it: YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL!

Well, you can have SOME of it…if you have the right mindset. Like I said before, I think it’s important to learn to live independent of a relationship. I mean independent as in the ability to survive when you’re not in a relationship. If you learn this while you’re single, you may be better equipped to manage when you have to compromise for the greater good of your relationship. It’s okay to have standards–I’ll never tell you otherwise–but you may have to tailor your expectations to the realities of your relationship.

These days, the biggest test involves whether or not we’re able to merge our career identities with the identities that we have within our relationships. We want to be able to grind our hearts out, but we want to constantly be around our partners. We want our partners to be the sole providers as we pursue our own desires, and at the same time, we want to be around each other constantly. We may want to continue to be independent even after finally getting into a relationship (capitalizing on any time that our partner could have to develop themselves), and then get mad because our partner isn’t doing what we think they should be doing.

The point I’m making is this: You’ve done all that work preparing yourself to mingle and achieve that relationship status, don’t ruin it with unrealistic expectations.You may think that your expectations make perfect sense until you take the time to say them out loud. If it sounds like it’s one-sided and doesn’t benefit both parties, then it may need to be thrown out. If it doesn’t seem like something that can be worked out with compromise from both sides, then it may need to be thrown out.

Long story short, be careful what you ask for. You may just be asking for future headaches.

I’ll admit it. I’ve been guilty of being a bit too eager for a relationship at times. Those of us who haven’t locked down a relationship are sometimes referred to as “single and ready to mingle”. I’ve asked myself one important question over and over again:

“Am I REALLY ready to mingle?”

When I say “ready”, I’m not questioning the desire for a relationship. I’m really questioning whether I’m able to give as much as I want to receive. I understand that everyone’s needs are the same and we have different love languages, but I don’t want to come to the table without bringing my own delicious offering. I’ve seen it over and over again, people asking the world of someone when they themselves can’t even offer a Monopoly parking space. What kind of relationship can I hope to have if I haven’t prepared myself?

I’ve learned to be COMFORTABLYand CONFIDENTLYsingle. When your response to the question of your relationship status is “I’m working on myself.”, people can take it as a joke. In actuality, that’s EXACTLY what you should be doing. I think it’s important to become independent of a relationship. Not independent in the sense of being single forever, but in being able to function as a whole person no matter what your relationship status. I think it’s important to be on level playing fields–outwardly and inwardly. But the most important part: learning to love yourself.

While single, I’ve had to be really honest with myself. I’ve had to reflect on my self-confidence, self-esteem, and ability to love myself. Too many people are looking to find these things in others. I can encourage you all day long, but it’s always up to you to decide to love yourself no matter what. You can’t substitute your feelings about yourself with your partner’ feelings towards you. It’s true that no one is capable of loving you like you love yourself. It’s special because only we know our deepest, darkest flaws and insecurities; if we can love ourselves in spite of those things, we’ve really leveled up.

I don’t want to relive the moments in past “relationships” where I foolishly navigated with no sense of myself. I expected things that I hadn’t given myself and was let down repeatedly. I’m hoping that my next relationship will be one where I’m able to maintain my love for myself while being further enriched by the love I receive. I hope to be able to add to that person’s life too.

Relationships are all about addition. Don’t cheat yourself or your partner by not being as sound as you possibly can. Hopefully, they will have done their own personal prep work and you’re able to focus on each other. Don’t expect perfection–I surely don’t. Just set yourself up for the best possible outcome like you would on anything else that you want success.

I remember watching “Love Jones” as a kid and thinking it was a good movie. It wasn’t until about 2 years ago that I saw it again for the first time as an adult–how I made it that long without ever seeing the movie, I don’t understand. Now, it’s not just a good movie. It’s relatable. It reminds me just how much time and experience changes our perspective on matters.

It’s been years since my last “relationship”. I use quotations because in hindsight, I don’t know if that word fits the bill…but I digress. I’ve been out of the game for a while, but I haven’t forgotten the push and pull of love. There’s that cloudiness of heart vs mind. You love that person but you don’t want to feel like a lame because you fell so quickly. Then there’s the time where you both are like, “Cool. We love each other”. That’s when it gets real and you have a full blown relationship. Then you get comfortable with each other, maybe too comfortable, and you learn whether or not you really have lasting power.

I said “too comfortable” because maybe you’re comfortable to the point where insecurity has a moment to rear its ugly head. You feel like this comfort is too good to be true so something must be wrong, so your mind searches to find that wrong thing. Sometimes you’re right and there’s a real issue that needs to be addressed, other times it really is all in your head. This is the period where your relationship is tested. You’re forced to communicate in a deeper way than you had previously. You have to get a little uncomfortable, these are the growing pains.

Love can put you through, but it also brings you through. That’s the message I get from the movie these days. Keshia the kid had no way of understanding the complexities of love. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I fully understood even in my early 20s. I guess it really is grown folks business.

It’s over. For the umpteenth time, I’ve done it again. Another online dating account deleted with no notice to anyone. I just don’t have the strength.

Each time I decide to make an online account on some random site, it’s because I feel it next to impossible to meet any new people in real life. I’ve used at least 3 different sites before and could never stomach either of them. Most of these sites are all about”so-and-so likes you” which leads to a lot of Tinder style swiping. If I wanted to use Tinder, I’d just download Tinder.

Did I expect much else from an online dating site? Of course not. What I thought was that I would be able to deal with yet another online experience. I found out very quickly that I lack the patience and fortitude to entertain meaningless conversations with anyone online or in person. I can only take but so many “wyd?”s before either throwing in the towel, or completely dragging someone via my inbox. I can only carry but so many conversations. A guy will send the first message, then once you respond it’s as if they’re run out of words before anything even starts. It’s very annoying.

I’ve spent some time thinking through why this is such a hard thing for me. On one hand I hate wasting time on shenanigans, on the other hand I wonder if I just haven’t nabbed someone who catches my attention and intrigues me enough to where it’s time well spent. Until I find the righteous one…computer blue. I have no more room in my mental inn for the foolishness.