Gubernatorial candidate vows to run on platforms

Dave Ford

Published 4:00 am, Friday, October 18, 2002

If the last presidential election weren't enough, Republican gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon has proven conclusively that political candidates need not possess an IQ higher any than your average golf score.

Democratic incumbent Gray Davis has shown that money grows on trees, and what makes it blossom is tons of fertilizer, otherwise known as manure, or "fund-raising speeches."

Mulling these two truths recently, and desperately in search of a career in which I could be even more reviled than as a journalist, I made a profound decision: Slate is not the new gray.

President Trump addresses nation after mass shooting at Florida SchoolWhite House

As the candidate from the Dave Party of One, I believe Californians need a fearless leader who will tackle the big issues: In the wake of the dot-com crash and Ben Affleck's career choices, is California still economically relevant? If so, can I funnel some of that relevance into my Cayman Islands bank account?

In troubled times such as these, when the times can truly be said to be, among other things, troubled, I think Californians deserve a candidate with fortitude, strength and vision. But I've decided to run for office anyway because, honestly, wouldn't it be fabulous to have a motorcade?

Absolutely. But unlike other politicians in their black SUVs, I'll have a bicycle motorcade, or roll-ade. My security detail will be sturdy men in Lycra with thighs like redwoods and faces that make Matt Damon's look leprotic.

Getting into office will not be easy. Late in the campaign a photo will surface showing me consorting with a prostitute -- in lay terms, a lobbyist. I will address the fiasco in front of a rabid press, using that thumb-over-the- fist gesture popularized by Bill Clintons everywhere.

"I categorically deny," I will say, "having ever taken money from that lobbyist, with perhaps the exception of the $1.4 million that recently showed up in my campaign coffers and -- hey, do you guys know what 'coffers' means?"

I'll fire my campaign manager, Kato Kaelin, and replace him with a true political genius: Carrot Top. That will allow me to: a) be hated more than ever; and b) get free long-distance calling, handy for contacting my Swiss bank, my English teacher or my French maid, Jacques, who slays dust bunnies with a single bon mot.

Next I'll take my campaign to the people, as soon as I find them. After all,

Bill Simon and Gray Davis notwithstanding, Californians deserve to hear prospective leaders speak to the issues, and I plan to do that right after I figure out what an issue is.

-- Mandate that electronic devices made in the state be outfitted with nothing more complicated than on-off switches -- or that, just before they crash, they shoot poison darts into your eyes. That has to beat holding for 37 hours on the tech support phone line.