1/18/2007

Why Glenn Beck Needs To Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched:Conservative pundits come in various shades and stripe of the styles of serial killers. For instance, Bill O'Reilly is like Charles Manson, rabid, frothing, dancing with entrails and commanding his cultish minions to destroy on his order, with his Squeaky Fromme, Michelle Malkin, ready to carry on his mission. Or Ann Coulter is like Aileen Wuornos, using her sexuality to lure in viewers and readers before gunning them down. Glenn Beck, radio talk show guy and host of his CNN Headline News (or "CNN, Jr.") program, is really more of your John Wayne Gacy-type, because, like that child-killing clown, he smiles and laughs as he loathes and hates and spits and desires death and destruction to satisfy what he believes are his perfectly rational motives. In other words, the scariest insane people are the ones who could walk among us and even act like our friends before they gut us.

There's myriad reasons to despise Beck. He's a ratings whore of insatiable appetities, like a buck-a-blow tranny hooker who gives freebies because she just loves the taste of man chowder. When he was a DJ in Florida, doing things like the "Schlub Club," where listeners could call into his show and pretend to believe outrageous things, Beck has always had the air of fraud and loser, trying so goddamn hard to out-nutzoid others on the right of the radio dial. He made a big fuckin' deal about changing his mind on the Terri Schiavo death watch, from not really giving a shit to "thinking" about it and embracing the "save this lifeless fleshbag" movement, even broadcasting from "near" Schiavo's hospital. He tried to associate loser Jose Padilla, the dirty bomber who wasn't, with the Oklahoma City federal building bombing because Padilla, to Beck's warped mind, looked like the drawing of the alleged third suspect in that crime. How one goes from being a Latino associated with white supremacist militias to being an al-Qaeda bomber was a logical leap that Beck was unwilling to explain.

Mostly, though, it's just Beck in general that is deserving of repeated cock punchings. On his show yesterday, after the general insanity of his rants against those who believe global warming is real, after asking the bizarre question of "[D]o you have any idea what the name of the CIA director is right now?", which Beck believes no one can answer (Michael Hayden) because "there hasn`t been a terrorist attack in about five years," and more nonsense, Beck went into some weirdo "what-the-fuck-is-he-saying" tear about the "Girls Gone Wild" videos and commercials. From what the Rude Pundit could gather, Beck doesn't like them, but, he said, as he smiled and spun his eyes, "I don't want you to make these films, but you have a right to make these films. I don't want you to air those commercials, but you have a right to do it. You know what? This is the debate we should be having in this country."

Beck had on some tool from the Tennessee State Senate who wants to ban the commercials from broadcast, with Beck looking like he got into the nitrous oxide as he spouted shit about "introducing shame" back into American society and then, when he discovered the guest was a Democrat, said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were Republican. Now I understand why you want government to get involved. I apologize. I couldn't understand you. Now I do." Yep, the guy who wanted the government to keep feeding Terri Schiavo can't understand why some tight-assed conservative would want to get rid of the blurry-titted ads.

Of course, during the entire segment, the screen was split. In between smaller images of Beck saying, "The college girls on South Padre Island, do you ever think they're somebody's daughter?" and tight-ass saying that it's obscenity, there was a larger image of video clips of girls going wild.

And, thus, his man whoring done for the day, Glenn Beck could go to sleep, sticky, dreaming of being the meat in a Joseph Smith and Brigham Young sandwich, still smiling, confident that no one will dig under his house.

Still in Canada: The Rude Pundit's new show, The Road to Rude, has conquered the fine city of Calgary, with full houses of audiences getting their rude on. Although he has yet to sample the wondrous Canadian women, he has had steak. And it was good. He will return to the warmer, yet somehow chillier, climes of the United States tomorrow.