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Can business and love ever mix? Yes, says relationship expert Marla Mattenson. And she has a thriving business and happy marriage to prove it.

When I met Marla in New York City, I was struck by her unique approach to coaching. In almost every session she and her husband coach couples together, helping them take their drive for success and growth mindset in business and apply it to transform their relationship to experience deeper connection.

She sat down with me to talk more about the near-death incident that led her to drastically revamp her life (and career) and dishes on how ambitious women can honor both their drive and desire to find to love.

Credit: Marla MattensonCredit: Marla Mattenson

Melody Wilding: You've had a really interesting career path. Tell us about your journey. How did you manage to combine your passions?

Marla Mattenson: Back in 1993, I became a doula helping women through labor, delivery and postpartum with their babies. My specialty was twins, as I thrive on intensity and challenge. This led to couples requesting coaching on how to navigate the first year of having a baby and how to stay connected through communication and intimacy. I loved the work, the babies, couples, families and had an incredible career all referral based from doctors and past clients.

Then in October of 2000, I experienced a major wake-up call. I rolled my two-seater car down Topanga Canyon in Los Angeles. As I lost control of the car, it hit the side of the road and as it started to roll on its side, I thought, "Ok God, if you want me on this earth you better come down here and help me" and then I had an outer-body experience. I was floating outside of the car with my face looking inside the car. I thought to myself, "Wow! This is how people die." Not me, other people. As the car rolled down the hill, it came to an abrupt halt as a large boulder stopped me from rolling all the way down the hill. I was upside down hanging by the seatbelt and there was this one moment of total bliss; the stream was rushing by below, gravel was trickling into the car and I felt as if the earth was my womb. Then I thought, "I gotta get out of here before the car explodes!" I hiked up the hill with leaves and sticks in my hair and got help. I walked away from the accident without a scratch on my body. The car wasn't so lucky.

After the accident, I spent time in reflection and heard loud and clear to go back to school and go to medical school. I signed up for a chemistry course at the beginning of 2001 and fell in love with the mathematics of chemistry. So I changed my major to mathematics, transferred to UCLA and studied mathematics, chemistry, physics, biology and neuroscience.

I took my love for math and brought it to Los Angeles Unified School District and taught high school math for seven years working closely with families, staff, departments and developed leadership training programs and taught math and pedagogy around the country.

All the math and science helped me develop my natural ability to see patterns in the world and apply that skill set to relationships in a new way that allowed couples to see their own patterns and make changes to experience new desired outcomes.

Over time, my logical approach to emotional material became an obvious choice for high performing couples who love to understand how to create the growth based life they always knew was possible.

Wilding: What big turning point set you on your current path to become a Relationship and Intimacy expert for entrepreneurs?

Mattenson: Growing up in an entrepreneurial family set me up to understand the mindset of an entrepreneur from a young age. This family dynamic helped me hone my intuition skills, not because my intuition was valued, quite the opposite. I was talked out of what I "knew" to be true, so I developed a highly imaginative, creative inner life guided by my desire. And I took that quite seriously. I made it a practice of pivoting quickly when I received an intuitive hit in a particular direction. Excitement and fulfillment were always around the next corner when I followed my hits.

When I got the intuitive message that it was time to leave the teaching profession, I listened. And more than that, I took action. The rest of the message was that it was time to break through any lack mindset and financial limitations I experienced. I hired a mindset coach to help me accomplish my goals. This process of resigning from the teaching profession and choosing to go back to coaching couples quickly turned into my real love, working with entrepreneur couples. It is fascinating how the business and relationship mirror each other and how simple it is to teach couples how to view their conflicts and challenges as a way to create a deeper intimacy together and build an empire.

Wilding: What are the most common dynamics you see among entrepreneur couples?

Mattenson: More and more we are seeing super powerful women emerge as either the sole breadwinner or the lead in a joint business with their partner and this is turning traditional genders roles on its head. One of the most common challenges with this dynamic is how to go from being the assertive, ambitious, driven businesswoman to being a loving partner who knows how to surrender and not lead the relationship.

We see many entrepreneur couples who are burning the candle at both ends and lighting a match in the middle. We guide them to prioritize self-care to slow down as the secret weapon to quantum leap forward together.

Wilding: How about if you're single, what's your best advice for succeeding in love and in your career?

Mattenson: This is actually the best-case scenario! If you're single, you have the power to start your relationship in the way that opens you as a lover and supports your business. Here's what I mean: if you truly want a partnership in love and you're an entrepreneur, then your job is to practice shifting gears quickly from being ambitious, assertive to observant receiver.

To be an observant receiver means that you observe how your date shows up objectively and you are honest with yourself if this person is in alignment with your long-term relationship goals or not. How? You need to have a relationship vision, like your business plan but for your personal life. What qualities do you want in a love partner? And what are your non-negotiables around your business? If your love interest complains about how you don't have enough time for them early on you need to ask if this is coming from a place of judgment or affection. Do they want to spend more time together and are willing to work around your schedule? Or do they want you to change your schedule to accommodate their wishes?

Early in the dating process no matter how good looking and sexy someone is, always choose to see the truth. If someone is really supportive of your business AND you have chemistry, then move forward. If they don't support your business, choose to lovingly move on. When you're willing to say no to someone who is not quite the right fit, then the person who is a full yes is revealed.

Wilding: Many of the high-achieving women I work within my own coaching practice say that they struggle to find a partner who has a similar level of ambition. Any tips?

Mattenson: Having a similar level of ambition is not essential for an entrepreneur in a love relationship. You don't need to be with someone with the same level of ambition, you do​ ​need to be with someone who accepts your level of ambition and doesn't get in the way, in fact, loves and supports your level of ambition.

Don't compare ambition levels, instead focus on the relationship and if your personal needs are being met by this person. Ask yourself, “Is my ambition a problem for this person?” If yes, then get out immediately. There are plenty of partners who will enjoy your ambition​,​ be inspired by it, and want to help you cultivate more of it. Those are the keepers. There is one exception here. That is if your true desire is to find a partner to build an empire with. That does require a similar level of ambition. Although one partner will almost always have a higher drive than the other. Don’t make that a problem. Instead see the differences as variety and honor the way your partner shows up without making them wrong. Look for a partner who loves you, believes in what you do, contribute​s​ to your happiness and has their own interests in life.

Wilding: When you're an entrepreneur, there can be a blur between work and your personal life. How can readers keep work stress from impacting their relationships?

Mattenson: Let’s be clear, there IS a blur between work and personal life when you’re an entrepreneur. It’s part of the game. And we accept it, graciously. Managing that blur and managing expectations of our loved ones is essential. Here are a few tips to take your business hat off and put your relationship hat on:

1) Set boundaries around work time. Determine your “working hours” and then stick to them, even if all you can manage is to have 7am – 9pm be the working hours to start. Eventually, get those hours in your calendar and assign tasks to your workday, don’t get sucked into social media and lose an hour during your workday that you could have been checking off your to do list.

2) Let your loved ones know when you’ll be finished today and build in buffer time. Most of us have the best of intentions and hope we will be finished with that last email in 20 minutes. You know that’s not really going to happen. So tell your partner you’ll be done in one hour. Then set a timer for 50 minutes and when it goes off, finish your last sentence, shut it down, and go to your sweetheart 8 minutes earlier than you anticipated. That little win on a daily basis will bear fruit in your relationship like nothing else!

3) Turn off “push notifications” on your electronic devices. When you get a text, email, social media or other notification it interrupts the flow of whatever you are doing in real time. After business hours, when you change your phone setting to “do not disturb” you remove one obvious intruder that can negatively impact your ability to give your full attention to your partner.