I Love Lucy (1951) s04e29 Episode Script

Ricky Needs an Agent

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Lucy, did you see this picture of Ricky in the paper? Yeah, I saw it. Lucy, did I leave my glasses here last night? Yeah, Fred. Right there. Well, you don't sound very excited. Ehh, "Ricky Ricardo Crowns Queen Of The Automobile Show." That's the third one this week. Ricky's crowned more queens than the Archbishop of Canterbury. Oh, I think it's a very good picture, don't you, Fred? Yeah, this automobile queen's got a nice chassis. I meant the picture of Ricky. Ricky? Hey, here's a picture of Ricky, too. That's all, brother. What's wrong with this? Well, look. "Ricky Ricardo Dedicates New Freeway." "Ricky Ricardo Opens Supermarket." "Ricky Ricardo Judges Dog Show." Well, publicity is mighty important. Yeah. Look at this. "Mammoth car wash opened." "Ricky Ricardo, left, tosses in first soapy sponge." What's the matter with that? Well, they had to say he was on the left so people could tell which one was the sponge. Oh. (chuckling) Ah, let's face it, Ethel. You don't win Academy Awards by patting poodles on the head and crowning queens. I don't think that studio is ever gonna give him a picture. Oh, sure they are. Well, it has been a long time. Now, what does Ricky think about it? Oh, the poor thing hasn't got time to think. He's so busy hopping from one publicity stunt to the other. Where's Peter Rabbit now? He has to dance with 100 young college girls. Can you think of anything worse than that? Yeah, I can think of a couple of things. Well, this just can't go on. This is not the way to LUCY: Oh, here he is. ETHEL: Hi, Rick. Hi, Rick. Hi, everybody. LUCY: Hi, dear. How did everything go? All right, I guess. Ricky, did you really have to dance with a hundred girls? That's what they told me. I lost count sometime ago. Aw, he's been dancing since 10:00 this morning. Honey, honey, come on. Let's dance. No, now, honey, stop that. Come now, now, just sit down there. Come on now, sit down. Poor boy. Honey, I've just been going through your scrapbooks and suddenly I got a very objective picture of just what's been happening to you since you came to Hollywood. Yeah? This is the last publicity stunt you are going to do. It is? Yes. I've made up my mind. I'm putting your foot down. Well, pick it up again because I'm under contract to the studio, you know. They're paying my salary every week. Yeah. He has to do what they say. That's right. Besides, they've been in the picture business a long time. They know what's good for me. Well, I've been in the Ricky Ricardo business a long time and I know what's better for you. Look, honey, I don't like it either, but what am I gonna do? What can he do? I'll tell you what he can do. He can march himself right out there and demand that they give him a picture to star in. And suppose they don't? You tell them they have to give you a picture or or, uh or, uh Hmm Or or what? Or else. Or else what? Oh, you keep out of this. Can't you just say, "You give me a picture or else" and let them worry? Well, honey, now, look, why don't you just forget it, huh? I feel better if I know that you're not worrying about my career. I'm awful tired. I'm going to go lie down for a while. FRED: Okay. ETHEL: Take a hot bath, honey. Yeah, something. Honestly, I don't know what's happened to him. Forget it, Lucy. The studio knows what's best for him. They do not. They're letting a great talent slip through their fingers. If only I could get Ricky to do something about it. Well, what do you want him to do? Walk in and say, "you'd better use me because my wife thinks I'm very talented." Well Well, the trouble is that Ricky hasn't got an agent to go in and fight for him. Fred, when will you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut? Now, what did I do? ETHEL: You just lit a fuse that may lead to the biggest explosion we've seen yet. An agent! Of course that's what he needs. Somebody to go in there and tell them how good he is and how many other offers he's had. FRED: But Ricky hasn't got an agent. He has now. Gee, I'm glad you gave me this idea, Fred. What idea? The idea for this whole plan. What plan? This plan wou What's the matter with you, Fred? Well, I'm just practicing my answers for when Ricky asks me if I know anything about this. "Oh, what idea, Ricky?" "What plan are you talking about?" "Lucy who?" Oh, Fred. Lucy, I don't think you'd better meddle in this. Now, now, look, Ethel, Ethel, nothing's gonna go wrong. I'm just gonna go out there and light a fire under Dore Schary. Well, I hope he's wearing asbestos britches. Texas-03311. Oh, now, Lucy No H-H-Hello, MGM? I'd like to speak to Dore Oh. I just remembered, Dore Schary knows me. Uh, yes? Um, um, I'd like to, uh, speak to the vice president in charge of Ricky Ricardo, please. Ricky Ricardo. "Who is he?" He's one of your biggest stars. "Who is he?" Uh yes. Yes, well, I'd like to discuss his contract. Walter Riley? Thank you. Uh, hello, Mr. Riley. I'm calling for Miss McGillicuddy of the (muffled) Agency. Yeah, this is Miss McGillicuddy's secretary. Yes, we just signed a new client, Mr. Ricky Ricardo. Miss McGillicuddy would like to come in and discuss his contract with you. Lucy, are you still here? Yeah. I thought Ricky would never leave. I'm gonna be late for my appointment with Mr. Riley. Well, your mother wants a little robe for the baby. You know where they are, honey. Yep. Honey, I thought you'd left. Well, I went down to the car to get my guitar. Oh. You're not going anyplace, are you? Hmm? You're not going anyplace, are you? Uhno. RICKY: Oh, hi, hi, Ethel. Hi, Rick. Listen, I've got to sing at the opening of a bowling alley this afternoon, so I thought maybe you Will you listen to a song, see if you think it's all right? Sure. Op-Opening of a bowling alley? Yeah. It's an old Spanish song, you know. Como un avanicar de calor real En el jardin azul de tu extravio Contremo las angustias musicales Se asoman tus pupilas el astillo Oh, honey, that's just wonderful! Well, that's just the verse. This is the chorus. Oh. Es que quieren volver Tus amores de ayer a inquiedarme Y me quieren robar el divino penar de adorarte Oh, ha, ha, ha! Oh. Pues que quieres vivir Y volver a sentir las al dia De manchar la esmeralda de tus ojos Ojos-- that's eyes, means eyes. Vida mia. Ha, ha! That's wonderful. Oh, that's wonderful, honey. They'll love it. Yeah? Okay, well, thank you. Listen, uh, you want to come with me? Uh no no. No, it's such a lazy day. I'm just gonna loll around the house. Okay, well, I'll see you later. ETHEL: Okay, Rick. Good-bye, Ethel. So long. Thanks for listening. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You really liked it, huh? Oh, it was wonderful. It was wonderful, honey, yeah. Oh, my. Honey, see you later. (intercom buzzing) Yes? WOMAN: Mr. Riley, Ricky Ricardo's agent, a Miss McGillicuddy is here. Ask her to come in, would you, please, Miss Klein? Yes, sir. How do you do, Mr. Riley? How do you do, Miss McGillicuddy? Down, Riley. I do not believe that women in business deserve any special privileges. As you say. Now then, let's get down to cases. Mr. Riley, just what does your studio, uh, plan to do with my client? Well, you see After all, he didn't come all the way out to California just to crown queens and open supermarkets, you know. Well, we understand all that. We're just trying to keep his name before the public until we put him in a picture. And just when do you think that might be, Mr. Riley? Well, to you tell the truth, we can't seem to find just the right property Uh-huh. Uh, you see, he's a little difficult to cast. Not on Broadway, he isn't. What do you mean? Mr. Riley, I just flew in from New York where a very famous team of producers have a big musical they are just frantic to star Ricardo in. Famous team of producers? Yes. Of course, I can't reveal their names, but, uh, Oscar and Dick are just wild about the boy. They really want him? Unquestionably. But I said to them, "You can't have him, Oscar, and neither can you, Dick." Well, this throws an entirely new light on things. I thought it would. This could cause quite a stir around here. I'm sure it could. I'd better call Mr. Schary about this. I think you should. Uh, Mr. Schary, please. Hello, Dore. Uh, Walt. Say, uh, Ricky Ricardo's agent is in here and Well, he has one now. She's been telling me that Ricky has an offer to star in a Broadway show. Well, that's the way I feel about it, too. He's a great talent. We should have used him in a picture long before this. Oh, I agree with you completely. I think it should be right away. All right, I'm sure she'll be delighted. All right. Good-bye. Well, Miss McGillicuddy, I have great news for you. Yes? Yes. We have decided to release Ricky from his contract. What did you say? I say we have decided to release Ricky from his contract. But I, uh if, if He's, uh released? (chuckling): Surprised? Yeah. Boy, am I surprised. Well, I don't blame you. You know, we don't do this very often, but we're very fond of Ricky and we don't want to stand in his way. Yeah, well, then why, why, why, uh He's released? He's released. He's released. Well, Miss McGillicuddy, I certainly want to wish you a lot of good luck. Yeah, well, I'll need it. I may be back in New York in time for the opening of his show. If I am, perhaps you can send me some passes, eh. (chuckling): Yeah. Yeah (sobbing) Well, thank you so much for dropping in. Uh M-M-Mr. Riley? Yes? See you at the opening. All right. Good-bye. Will you come in, please, Miss Klein? Yes, Mr. Riley? Mr. Riley, I've been thinking it over and I can't do this to you. How do you mean? Well, uh, look at it this way. Uh, you release Ricky from his contract, he goes to Broadway and becomes a tremendous success. And then Metro buys the film rights to the musical and they want Ricky to play the lead. Naturally, since, uh, Ricky has become such a huge success, I have to demand a huge salary. Then someone remembers that he was under contract to you and he was released. They demand to know who released him and every finger points to you, Walter Riley. They fire you immediately. And no other studio will hire such a dunce. You become a penniless bum. Now, I don't want to have to go through life, knowing that I was responsible for making you, Walter Riley end up in the gutter. I appreciate your concern, but I'm afraid I'll just have to take that chance, Miss McGillicuddy. Good-bye. He's released, huh? Yes. Good-bye, Miss McGillicuddy. Bye. Come in, Miss Klein. Yes, sir? Mr. Riley Mr. Riley, you're doing lots of remakes. Why don't you take one of your big hits and do it over for Ricky? Tailor it for him. Well Like, uh I'm afraid not. Like Gone With The Cuban Wind? I'm afraid not. Or, uh, It Happened One Noche? I'm afraid not. Afraid not. Well, it was just a thought. How about Seven Brides For Seven Cubans? No. The Ricardos of Wimpole Street? No, thank you. All right, Miss Klein. Andy Hardy Meets a Conga Player? Lock it. Lock it. Take a letter, will you, please? Yes, sir. Uh, it's to A.J. Uh Dear A.J.: Regarding your visit here to us next month to discuss plans for the coming year, I have already set up meetings for you with the heads of the various departments and arranged a press party for you. Dore wants you and your wife to spend the weekend Mr. Riley! (screaming) How about Ricky Ricky, Son Of Flicka? A A Streetcar Named Ricardo? Three Cubans In A Fountain? Uh Meet Me In St. Ricky? Now, then Arsenic And Old Ricky? ETHEL: Well, Lucy, did you? What happened? Ooh, look how pale she is. FRED: Look at her eyes. She looks like a frightened horse. Lucy? Lucy, I can't stand it. What happened? Are they gonna put Ricky in a picture? FRED: Are they just gonna keep on like they're going now? ETHEL: Well, there's no other alternative, is there? What? They released him from his contract. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Lucy, when Ricky finds out you got him fired, he'll kill you! If I could only be sure that's all he'll do. How did this happen, Lucy? Well, I I went in to talk to Mr. Riley and I told him that-that Ricky had a big musical on Broadway and he called Dore Schary. And they said they didn't want to stand in his way (blubbering): and they released him from his contract! Oh, Lucy, what are you gonna do? (snuffling): I don't know. Oh, honey. (sniffling) I thought maybe I'd dye my hair black and move to Mexico. But first I'm gonna swim to Catalina to throw him off the scent. Oh, honey There's just one thing I can do, Ethel. What? I'm just gonna have to face him with what I've done. Oh, you know Ricky's temper. Yeah, we've met. Well, you're gonna meet again. I don't want to be here for the reunion. I've done a terrible thing. I've ruined his career. Anything he does to me, I deserve. Oh, now, honey. For 14 years Ricky's been trusting, devoted, understanding and what have I been? Thoughtless, selfish, meddlesome bungling, scheming, conniving eh Irritating, headstrong, obnoxious, self-centered Fred! It's all right, Ethel. Let him alone. He's right. Well, as long as it's open season, how about petty, childish, stubborn, vain All right, let's not get carried away. What are we standing here for? Ricky will be here any minute. Come on, you'd better hide in our room. Yeah, come on. No, uh-uh. No, uh-uh. Come on. Come on now, honey. You can leave him a note and then come back when the storm blows over. No, I'm gonna stay right here and face him. What, with a chair and a whip? We're not gonna let you do it. Now come on! You'd better come with us. No, I'm not. It is for your own good. Come on now, honey. Hi, everybody! ETHEL: Hi! Oh, um, Uh, Rick, uh, Lucy, uh, uh Uh, she Ricky. Ricky, I have something to say to you. Well, I'll see you later. So long, Rick. We have something we have to do. See you around. What's the matter with them? They don't want to watch, and I don't blame them. Watch what? Give me a kiss? One last farewell kiss? What's the matter with you, honey? (stifled sob) Ricky I went out to MGM today and got you fired. What are you talking about? I went out to MGM today and pretended that I was your agent. You what?! Now you're getting it. I went out to MGM I went out to MGM today and I and I and I said I was your agent and that you were wanted for a big Broadway musical and Dore Schary said they didn't stand in your way, so they released you from your contract and thanks to me, you don't work at Metro anymore. (heaving) (fist slapping) Whoa! (high-pitched growl) Well, you don't just stand there. Throw something! Throw something! (growling) Yeah! Yeah! Here! Here! Here! (hollering) This is worse than the time you loused up my screen test! Yeah, yeah, it's worse than when we got arrested in Tennessee! It was all my fault. Yeah! Yeah, it's worse than when we were handcuffed together for Yeah! Yeah! It's worse than when I loused up your nightclub act Yeah, yeah! Here, here, here. What's this for? I don't know, but smash it anyway, and I'll have one coming All right! Give me some more! Give me some more! Here. Oh, no! Here. (grunting) Ay, caramba! Ay, mira lo que me ha hecho! You feel better, honey? Ay, mira lo que me ha hecho! You feel better? (grumbling) Don't you feel better, honey? Get it all out of your system. (angry growl) Ohh! Oh, boy. Oh (muttering) Oh, boy. Gee. Ohh. He killed her and tried to hide her body under the couch! Oh, Lucy! No, I'm all right. Oh, thank heavens, you're alive! Yeah, not even hurt. He took his anger out on the bric-a-brac. Where did he go? I don't know. Maybe he went out trying to get a job wrecking houses. Well, at least it's all over. I'm not so sure. I feel that I'll have to live with this for a long time. Oh, if only you hadn't gone out there today. Yes, but I did. I have an idea. How can you stand there in the middle of all this mess and utter those four horrible words, "I've got an idea"? Now wait a minute. Wait a minute! Texas 03311. She's a cool one; she's returning to the scene of the crime. Listen, they don't know that Uh, Mr. Riley, please. They don't know I was the one that was out there today. Hello, Mr. Riley. Mr. Riley, this is Mrs. Ricardo, Ricky Ricardo's wife. Yes, Ricky wanted me to call you and warn you about something. Yes, it seems there's some woman going around town claiming that she's Ricky's agent, and She was in your office today? Well! How crazy can she be?! Oh, you don't say. Mr. Riley, Ricky doesn't have an agent. No, she certainly is not, and as for that nonsense about Ricky going to Broadway for a big Well well, I-I know sh-she's been going around saying that. Yes, Mr. Riley, Ricky is very happy working at Metro and he wishes to continue there a long, long time. He will, won't he? Oh, bless you, Mr. Riley! I mean, thank you. Bye. Bravo! Bravo! Housekeeper, please. This is Mrs. Ricardo in 315. Uh, we've had a little accident. Lucy, where are you? Here I am, honey, and have I got good news for you. Yeah, it cost quite a bit, fixing the place up. But it really doesn't matter because I'll say, it doesn't matter. What do you mean? Well, I got myself an agent, and he already got me a job at another studio at three times the money. Huh? You know, getting me out of that Metro deal was the best thing you've ever done. Three times the money, imagine that. And not only that, but they're gonna star me in four pictures in a row right away. Four pictures! Here. Here. Oh, I forgot something else, too. They're gonna give you a contract. (screaming) (screaming) Wait! Wait! Hey! Hey! What's the matter? What are you laughing at? I was just kidding you, honey. I called Metro and they told me everything was straightened out. Come here. Oh, Ricky! Oh, no! (laughing) Oh, Ricky. ANNOUNCER: Next week I Love Lucy will be brought to you by Lilt Home Permanents. ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Mr. Riley was played by Parley Baer and the secretary was Helen Kleeb. I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.