With ‘Sex Tape,’ starring Cameron Diaz, coming soon to a theater near you we thought we’d show some serious imagination and think/write about her other films. Given both space and time are relative, that’s just how we’re going to do it around these parts.

In the past 20 years, ever since she broke onto the scene in Jim Carrey’s ‘The Mask,’ I’ve seen a remarkable 27 Cameron Diaz films. If I would have guessed beforehand I would have said 15 max, and I might have only remembered ten off the top of my head. But now that I look over this list, I’m somewhat impressed. Somewhat. Diaz has been in some winners, but she’s also often played a living prop. Some dogs too, of course, woof, but overall Cameron Diaz probably has had a better career than you or I remember, and she’s got to be given a little credit for at least choosing interesting projects. It’s not as though Hollywood has a track record of creating clever roles for attractive blonde leads.

Anyway, this is the definitive ranking of her work, and it will supersede all lists that have come before or after it. I will rank them starting at the worst Diaz performance I’ve seen, then head straight toward the BEST Cameron Diaz role I’ve had the pleasure of gulping down. In this manner, I will be building your anticipation, making the whole thing more exciting! A totally “pro” move. Even I don’t know what I’m going to do next! Play along at home!

Note: This is based upon the Diaz performance in the film, NOT the overall quality of the film itself. So before you start with the “The Mask ranked so low?!!!” nonsense, take a beat and think. You’ll agree, with enough time.

27.What Happens in Vegas
A terrible film AND a pretty awful performance. If you figure you rise to the level of your co-stars, well, you know, Ashton Kutcher. He hasn’t exactly been tearing it up lately, unless “it” is Mila Kunis. (mandatory “Heeeeeyoooooo”)

26.Shrek Forever After
The Shrek franchise all blends together, doesn’t it? Really it’s more of a commentary on the Mike Myers style of comedy, pop culture references galore that age like a fine fart. Starting with ‘Wayne’s World,’ continuing on with the ‘Austin Powers’ series and culminating with ‘Shrek,’ my man made a significant impact on the box office. Ironically enough, for someone obsessed with pop culture jokes, Myers left very little mark upon said pop culture. Admit it, you can’t remember one Diaz line from any of the ‘Shrek’ films. In fairness, she was a disembodied voice. But still, Antonio Banderas crushed that noise. Respect.

25.Shrek the Third24.Shrek 2
I don’t have much more to say about ‘Shrek.’ I leave it to you, my adoring audience.

23.In Her Shoes

Fox

I can’t imagine anyone else seeing In Her Shoes at this point, so I should start with the fact with Cameron Diaz can’t read in the movie. And all her problems stem from that, it’s why she sleeps around. According to the movie. So yeah, it’s a disaster on all fronts. Almost worth watching just for the giggles. I can make fun of illiterates because they can’t read this. And before you accuse me of being insensitive, I had a family member who was illiterate. I’m covered on all fronts. I can’t be racist because I HAVE LATINO FRIENDS.

22.Very Bad Things
She’s the pouty bride here, and I’d say pouty Diaz is an underrated phenomenon. Ah, who am I kidding, it’s the fellas and the dead prosti that make this movie great.

21.The Green Hornet
She was in this? Like, in the movie? Hmm, yes she was. Follow up question: Has there been a lady career with as much physicality, long term, as Cameron Diaz? Follow up follow up question, has anyone changed their look less in the last 20 years?

20.Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
She was barely in this movie, but she’s not an active negative either. We’re on our way to the good stuff!

19.Minority Report

20th Century Fox

She was an uncredited bus passenger here. I wasn’t able to even find video, just that little pic. Still good enough for 19th place!

18.My Best Friend’s Wedding
Julia Roberts rules this film. Cameron is the prop. But she’s a damned good prop, playing the uber-likable foil Julia wants to hate. But can’t. As it turns out, Cameron was a surprisingly capable cinematic third banana in many of her movies.

17.Bad Teacher
This is just about where the roles become worthy. I’m already on the record as against the “Bad” franchise, but that’s not due to Diaz. She’s the best of the “Bads” if you know what I’m saying, much better than Thornton [Did Laremy just said he likes Cameron Diaz in ‘Bad Teacher’ better than Billy Bob in ‘Bad Santa?’ I’ll try to get him the help he needs. -Vince]. Her dry hump scene with Justin Timberlake is a thing of beauty. There’s a lot to like out of Diaz in this one.

16.Knight and Day
She held her own with Tom Cruise in an admittedly meaningless action film. The best thing about this film were the semi-decent trailers that promised comedy AND action, but Cameron Diaz made what little film there was here palatable.

Well if you’re being that way about it, strictly speaking, isn’t zero times infinity still zero? So if you really rank it at 0%, nothing could be infinitely better. Unless you were using it hyperbolically, as I was.

She was a servicable prop in Gangs. The list of actors being awesome in that movie is pretty long. Even as the only woman in the movie, she was probably the 7th or 8th best character/actor on the screen. The only memorable acting she did in the film was when she was acting scared of Day-Lewis and I’m not sure that was acting as much as she was genuinely scared that he would actually knife her while being METHOD.

I think I was most impressed that she wasn’t movie ruining terrible in Gangs of New York. Also I’m sorry but thinking Diaz is better than Thornton in Bad Santa, I just can’t process that. Bad Santa is one of the better comedies of the last decade, shits a classic. COEN BROTHERS DAMMIT!!

Umm what kind of list would leave off The Sweetest Thing so many good scenes in there the bathroom glory hole, when it looked like she was giving road head to Christina Applegate and lets not forget the penis song. Really disappointed you overlooked this movie it was the raunchy female comedy before bridesmaids.