When I announced that I’d be doing a post a day, I asked my throngs of adoring fans to offer some suggestions of topics that I should cover. Clearly, my brilliance had cowed and intimidated all but the bravest of my legions of admirers, because I only received one response. Jon Wolf asked me to talk about the dragon that lived in the rings of Saturn. As soon as I heard his desperate entreaty, I knew I had to respond as quickly and thoroughly as possible to clear up the myths and misconceptions about said dragon.

There are many myths about dragons in general. Most people realize that dragons as we know them never actually existed in Europe, Asia, Africa. etc. Yes, there are myths and legends about the existence of enormous, scaly, flying and just plain bad ass creatures all over the world, but the majority of people believe that real dragons simply don’t exist. A reasonable stance to be sure, but true in only the most parochial sense. The real truth, (that only a few of us have had the drive and vision to discover), is that dragons are real but they don’t live on Earth. If one puts just a little thought to this, it quickly becomes clear why.

There is simply no way a creature that large could generate the lift necessary to fly under it’s own power. No matter how large the surface area of the wings, or how powerful the muscles, it’s too much mass to get off the ground with the speed and energy available to biological organisms. Dragons love to fly, and they can’t fly on Earth, therefore, no dragons on Earth. It’s elementary logic.

So in order to shine the light of truth on this sadly ignored fact, I’ve come up with a list of facts about our Solar System’s dragon(s) that I think you should read:

1) There isn’t just one dragon living in Saturn’s rings, there are two. Their names are Bruno and Jack-Jack. They have tremendous amounts of sex. There’s not much else to do out there, but they’re not complaining.

2) Jack-Jack is short for Jacqueline Jacobi. This is a little strange because dragons typically do not use surnames. She’s never bothered to explain it, and the few beings who have brave enough to ask about it never lived to regret their insolence.

3) Almost every current story and myth about dragons can be traced to the one particular dragon named Marshall. Somewhere around 4200BCE during what we would call a “mid-life crisis” he got hammered, flew a bit too close to Earth’s gravity well and was trapped here. After a few decades of anger and frustration in which he laid waste to much of what is now Northern Europe, he mellowed out, grew a mustache and ponytail and moved to a small cottage on the shores of the Yangtze.

4) The moon landings were not faked, but they were an integral part of a massive government conspiracy. In fact, the launching of Apollos 12-15 were a massively successful ruse to distract the media’s attention away from a secondary launch site in Central Florida, exactly where the “Astral Orbiter” now stands at Walt Disney World. First Kennedy and then Nixon authorized these covert missions in order to establish regular contact Bruno and Jack-Jack and hopefully gain their support in the Cold War.

5) When they were first discovered, Pulsars were assumed to be distant dragon flames. We have since discovered that they are actually exotic remnants of stars, given their bizarre characteristics due to the massive violence and energy of a supernova event. However, in private, most astronomers prefer to stick to the “Dragon Flame Interpretation”, when asked about it, they will pretend they have no idea what you’re talking about.

6) Academics, bureaucrats, artists, scientists and philosophers have know of real dragons for centuries. They keep their existence a secret not out of a fear of the public’s reaction, but because dragons are so damn cool that the jerks who gave them wedgies and the snobs who rejected them in high school don’t deserve to know about it.

7) Far from living in isolation, dragons are in regular contact with humanity, and enjoy many of our cultural exports. Bruno enjoys Iron Chef America, but still prefers the original Japanese version. Jack-Jack loved Battlestar Galactica and can even forgive the heavy-handed ending but when pressed says: “I actually liked the finale, but really, Starbuck? WTF?”. They are both serious Munchkin fanatics. Bruno’s musical tastes tend toward Progressive Rock and New Wave while Jack-Jack is massively eclectic, listening to everyone from Rascal Flatts to Franz Ferdinand.

8) One dragon scale is about the size of a cheese Pazzo from Amato’s. (Noteable because that is one of Jack-Jack’s favorite Earthly foods.)

9) The closest humanity has ever come to conflict with dragon kind was in 2007 when they Bruno was quoted at saying: “You know, that Cheney guy is kind of a tool.” Once the impracticality of sending 50,000 troops to Saturn’s rings was explained to the Vice President, the conflict was avoided.

10) If you ever come face to face with a dragon, panic and beg for mercy. You’re probably in no danger from the dragons, but you are now stranded, floating in the rings of Saturn, surrounded by massive balls of ice and debris. What the hell were you thinking?

26 responses to “The Truth About Dragons”

you people are stupid.okay look at a bee there body is to big for them to logically fly but they do it,and dragons don’t go by names!,that’s a human thing,human’s name things so they aren’t as afraid of things,and the person of this blog has no idea about dragons!!!

Your informations are incorrect. Even thought dragon can survive in vacuum for several days there is no way that he/she can actually live in the space. Unless, of course, they have cloaked starship or spacestation. Actually dragons can fly in Earth atmosphere, despite the fact they are 18-20 meters in height (dragons can walk on rear legs) and they exist on Earth (they live either in Amazonia or using device which can change their DNA to human). They helped humanity for milennia and they are responsible for wheel or invention of fire. They have cloaked station or starship on Earth’s orbit, and soon their existence will be revealed. They want to help us, but they are unsure of our reaction.

that you said about bruno and jack jack are historically proven ?
and dragons at saturn’s rings are living untill now ? please answer me at my e-mail as soon as you can ..and please where i can find sources about ? kotsios95_@hotmail.com

You all are idiots, especially the one who wrote the incorrect facts! Are dragons real? Of course they freaking are! They don’t live on freaking Saturn or even in space! They live here, on earth, with us. They don’t have devices to change their DNA to human. They’re in a stasis, duh! They know it isn’t safe to live on earth but when it is, the right person will save them. Just pray it’s not you (cause that’d be freaking cool!). Thanks for your time.

i have no idea where anybody got these ridicules ideas about dragons. dragons were real many a year ago they lived with the dinosaurs during the cretaceous period. and yes dragons could fly here on earth, the dragon isn’t anything like any other creature that has walked on this earth. the dragons has many evolutionary traits that help them fly. one there bones aren’t completely solid nor are they completely hollow, their bones are in between. also they have a second “lung” that stores the gases that their bodies produce. sure some things that you see in the movies are completely fake but yes indeed they could fly. so from reading this passage your telling me that dragons never lived on earth their a different species from a different planet or universe either cloaked as humans here or hiding out somewhere we cant see them. but the most ridiculous thing i have seen on here is the passage that was talking about how the dragons live on Saturn, and your telling me that we have been in contact with these distant dragons that live in the rings, who also so happen to speak English. i cant even go into town without running into somebody who is talking spanish or something other then english. how much i would love to believe that dragons were a different and intelligent species, i really don’t think that’s possible, but don’t get me wrong that would be freaking sweet. oh and if anyone gets one here trying to correct anybody saying ” no dragons weren’t real they were magical being that only existed in the spirit world, and they can use magik” then you just need to high fived in the face with a chair.

Guys??? pls tell me this is all a joke?? u honestly believe that there r dragons flying around our solar system or living in the Amazonian forest?? did u know, bigfoot, the lochness monster, chipakabra and the yeti all live there too…according to ppl like u, theres some serious Alice in wonderland sh1t going on in there…and flying around space?? Im nt even gna comment on that….the camera has bn around since 1836, or 176 years, not to mention our advances in solar optics…where are these Dragons?? or I suppose the US government is keeping it as a secret weapon till WW3?? U have no idea how stupid it sounds….Dragons were a myth, invented in a time when Giants, Cyclops’s and minotaurs apparently walked the Earth…maybe you guys should look at the REAL history behind Where Dragons come from…I would love 2 kno how old u guys r, if u truely believe the crap you’re saying

and to the dude that left the highfive in the face comment….u seem 2 know an awful lot about the anatomy, internal breathing systems and buildup of Dragons, can u honestly say u werent js making up a bunch of intellegent sounding crap relating to the anatomy of high flying birds, such as falcons or Eagles?? if you can, pls direct me to where you found your (obviously) thoroughly studied facts, Id love to see enough remains to tell me about the friggen breathing system of the mythological beast…what makes all of u so certain of this?? believing in something u cant see is one thing (hey, I believe in the paranormal and life beyond our own planet) but Dragons? guys?? cmon

Ever thought that Dragons have traveled through space to a place like Earth just not Earth? I mean their Dragons they can pretty much do anything.. Right? (And if you say i’m stupid do your just stupid yourself) Heres what i think theres 6 elements Fire,Water,Earth,Air,Shadow,Light and Earth has all those… Could dragons be the type to change their forum
like camoflague?