Monday, May 28, 2012

Prime Time Lineup: Now with More Awesome

Hi all! Spousal Unit
here; Wifal Unit is taking the day off so you'll have to suffer through my musings instead.
I thought I’d start with a little television entertainment, which is odd
because Wifal Unit and I hardly watch any.
What we have done is thought about shows that we would watch, and with
the help of some friends, I have prepared the ultimate prime-time lineup.

6:00 “Craziest Pet Grooming” Starring Alec Baldwin and Will
Arnett

This would be a reality
show. An amazing reality show. Imagine these two guys traveling the world,
finding the most outlandish grooming styles (probably for dogs of rich people),
and critiquing them. If your imagination
is having trouble coping with that much awesome, here’s a fake movie trailer made from scenes of them in 30 Rock.

Now picture them with a 30 minute show. I like to think that at least once per
episode, they’d get into a growling contest with an animal/each other. And if that doesn’t rev your engine, you can
replace Alec Baldwin and Will Arnett with Adam West and William Shatner. Also, the season finale would have to be an episode where they meet their match: Edward James Olmos (it says a lot about you whether you remember him as Justice Mendoza on "The West Wing" or as Admiral Adama on "Battlestar Galactica").

6:30 “James Spader Explains Things”

I don’t think any elaboration is required for
this show, but we’ll try it anyway. 20
minutes of Mr. Spader, at a place, explaining a topic to the audience.

One week he could sit behind a desk, another he could be
wearing jeans and sitting on a couch, and maybe they could do an episode on a
beach. In a speedo. That could be a Mother’s Day episode. Some topics might include: “Sports,” “The
Rotation of the Moon,” “Bah Mitzvas,” and “When to use ‘Whom’.”

As good as those shows would be, they’re just the opening
act. Now that you’re good and primed,
the piece de resistance:

7:00 “H. Jon Benjamin and Patrick Warburton Yell at Each
Other”

Instant. Emmy. Archer and Krunk; Coach McGuirk and The
Tick. These might be two of the greatest
voice actors of all time (Vincent Price would be up there as well). All that would be needed for this show is
crappy animation, and lots of dialogue.
Seriously, picture this:

“How was your day, sweety?”

“Fine, how was yours?”

“Wow, do you actually care or are you just going through the
motions?”

“Funny, I thought that’s what you’ve been doing since the
honeymoon.”

Kind of a stupid exchange, right? Wrong.
These two could announce a golf tournament and make it exciting. This is such a great idea, I can’t believe
that no one has pitched it to Cartoon Network yet. Maybe they have, but until they get their own
show, chew on this: Patrick Warburton is
going to be in season 3 of Archer. We’ll
get a preview of the divine magnificence of the two greatest living comedic
voice actors.

Now that the finale has passed, and the people with more
straight and narrow senses of humor have gone to bed, or wherever they go at
7:30 on Thursday evenings, the real oddball show can come out.

7:30 “Terry Tate: Office Linebacker”

There are several commercials from years ago
about Terry Tate. They’re
marvelous. Here, watch them. In case you skipped the link
and are unfamiliar with the genius of Terry Tate, the idea is this: an NFL
linebacker (or maybe an NCAA linebacker who didn’t go pro) gets hired to
enforce rules around the office. Things
like refilling the coffee pot, and putting covers on your TPS reports. This premise could sustain a 60 minute show
every week without getting old.
Especially when they throw in things like rookie competition,
coaching/management changes, board meetings, and company picnics. I’d love to write the episode where he
referees the company kickball game.

Well, that was my first post! I hope you enjoyed it. And as a preview of my next post (whenever Wifal Unit needs another day off), listen to this awesome song.