Works in tandem with a “Laura” or “Laurie” at the number below. Girl in the picture’s number is 352.263.1843
The number in the ad is Midnight Liaisons escort service: http://midnightliaisons.com/girls/ Avoid these scammers

Here’s her backpage ad:
Hello..I’m Allison,
I just moved to Florida to start college and I’m looking to make a few friends. I look like “the girl next door.”
Im 18 years old,5’4″, 110 pounds, with brown hair.
813-806-5624

A lot of guys take up golf to get away from their pestering wives. Inevitably, many of these same wives soon take up golf, and so the guy has to then take up another “hobby” so disgusting and otherwise unpleasant there is no way his wife will want to do that, too. So these guys take up fishing.

Some of the same wives then, in turn, actually take up fishing, too. These are women that will do anything for their husbands. If you are a guy married to one of these women that takes up fishing just to be with you, I’m gonna give you a piece of advice right now that is one of the most important pieces of advice I will ever give you. If you’re wife is willing to take up fishing, she’s undoubtedly also down for regular threesomes with another chick. In fact, I’m pretty confident she’ll prefer threesomes to fishing. Its Saturday. Swingers clubs are at their best tonight. There’s no better time than right at this moment to raise the issue.

Anyway, Charlie Sheen, who is no stranger to threesomes and moresomes, has, not surprisingly, come up with an idea even better for getting away from his women than fishing. His trip with Sean Penn to Haiti is yet another big win.

I can just hear the conversation when he announced the trip:

Charlie: “Bree, and you over there, yea, you, the one that licks the cum off Bree’s face after I drop a load on it. Listen, Sean asked me if I want to go to Haiti with him for a while. You guys can come, too, of course, if you really want to, but we’ll be staying in a tent with no running water … Oh, and its 90 and humid there every day, and everyone stinks like high hell, and there’s crime and earthquakes and …“

Bree: “If we don’t go, can we just hang out here in Beverly Hills doing drugs and having sex all day …”

Charlie: “Of course.”

Bree: “Well, we’ll miss you, but pass.”

Charlie: “No problem. Another bi-win!”

Bree: “What was that last thing you said?”

Charlie: “Er, uh, I’ll really miss you two. See you when I get back, sexy.”

Most of us guys who travel to countries south of the U.S. travel in order to have a tons of sex with hot chicks at prices we can afford. Charlie Sheen’s so drowning in pussy he can afford, he’s traveling south to get away from it.

The trip to Haiti isn’t just an excuse for Charlie Sheen to get away from the daily demands of his harem; it serves multiple purposes. Its great public relations, far better than just stroking a check to some charity; he’s going to be sweating and getting his hands dirty, and he’s going with a guy whose charity credentials are nonpareil.

The trip is also a brilliant form of DIY sex rehab, the sexual equivalent of refusing to go back to AA. I can’t think of a better way to cure sex addiction than – at least for those of us who don’t have a nostril-fucking-fetish – a trip to the country with the ugliest, most filthy, disgusting, disease-ridden, unhygienic, and in all other ways foul women on the planet – and that was when they were still able to take an occasional bath or shower. Haitian women have been getting rained on and ejaculated in and on for the last year with nary a clean warm-water-soaked towel, let alone douche, in sight. Charlie doesn’t have to worry about OD-ing on sex down there. It’ll be a miracle if, even at a single moment during the trip, he’s able to sport a 1/8ths wood.

The rest of us can only wish we had Charlie Sheen’s problems. He may very well be in a manic phase, and a crash his possible, though probably nothing that his virtually bottomless flow and affinity for coke shouldn’t be able to help him calibrate for a soft landing. But the manic phase is undoubtedly the origin of many of guymanity’s greatest inventions and philosophical breakthroughs. For Charlie Sheen, the trip to Haiti is yet another win, and we can only marvel at the sight of a guy taking the Guyinistic lifestyle to a new level not only during our lifetime; in fact, not only in our lifetime, but at the early stages of an era when it is viewable online and on global TV, and when we can get a contemporaneous window into courtesy of Charlie’s own Twitter posts.

I fucked a chick more than 20 years ago when she was 18, so freshly after having given birth that while I was banging her, she was lactating so voluminously it looked like I’d already fired off a giant wet load on her chest. She went on to become a stripper, got married, had another kid or two, now works a regular job, and today posted the following on Facebook:

“Kentucky just passed the best law ever. To be on Foodstamps, Medicade,or Cash Assistance either for you or your children you have to pass a DRUG Test. Now if we could get every state to do the same would be GREAT. If you agree re-post. We have to work and take a drug test so should they.”

My response: I agree that law is great. Every stripper and hooker in Kentucky should be arriving down here in Florida any day now! Lets hope that all of the remaining states – all, that is, except of course Florida – pass the same law!

Of course, the broads, who were groupies of his that knew each other, are not charged, even though they were participants. My question: doesn’t that mean they should also round-up Sweden’s massive population of single mothers?

The Guyinisphere is hard at work around the globe trying to uncover the powers-that-be behind the ludicrous allegations. If you have any information, please provide it to me.

In the meantime, here are pictures of the cunts:

If you are in Sweden, do not – I repeat DO NOT - fuck them under any circumstances. It ain’t worth it.

Cunt of the Week – Ilya Dall (showing one of the regular features I would have on my blog if I had time to have regular features on my blog)

Thank you, and if you can’t use me but can hook me up with someone who might help me get the word out, I’ll be eternally grateful.

And, yes, I know what you are thinking, and I’m going to talk more to Joe about helping my website look decent and function properly.

Anyway, I’d write more, but I have to go get blown by a hooker. Tonight I’m going to do see her at the lingerie modeling studio, but she already told me that next time she’s going to come over for the whole night for $300 (plus I supply the ecstasy) and volunteered to cook me dinner.

On the day before Thanksgiving, each year, since 1961, the Wall Street Journal has run two editorials: The Desolate Wilderness and And The Fair Land. Those journal editorials are, like the Macy’s Day Parade, Detroit Lions football, and turkey, part of American Thanksgiving tradition.

From my vantage point, it seems like the sex that – as long as they don’t choose to be fat, can get the other sex to support them and not have to work, and can have sex with someone passable just about whenever they want for free – not to mention so many other advantages such as hiring preferences, loan programs, and military benefits without military responsibilities – has it better. Some reasonable guys differ on this point … Either way, imagine either how much worse our lives would be if we didn’t have, or how much better our lives are because we do have, balls.

In a comment, I took the position that there is never a time to fart around chicks you are or may want to bang. My anal-ysis (no pun intended, edits in brackets):

I appreciate the analysis but I go with a strict no-farting around the girl policy to the extent possible, and I find it very possible by simply taking a shit when I feel the first fart coming on. To counter shit smell permeating the premises, carry single-use packets of Just a Drop.

Perhaps because I am the kind of guy that is always overachieving with women – often either admired or envied for dating chicks way hotter than it seems I deserve – I proceed in relationships as if I have little wiggle room, which means no farting (“little” being the operative word – what wiggle room I have I spend trying to and actually getting some ass on the side).

Also, it is important to keep post-relationship sex in mind. Even if a guy is on the verge of dumping a girl, I am sure most of you will agree that it is best to keep her on your short list for booty calls. There is one girl I dated for-real for about 3 months in 1994. The sex continued on a fairly regular basis for about another 12 years – a 12-year string where I banged her at least once a year, and usually more – and I even got some a couple of months ago after a 3 year hiatus. The Tuesday morning booty calls from her didn’t even start until about 3 years after we really dated-dated, and she didn’t start asking me to satisfy her facial fetish for another year or so after that. Essentially, she was my mid-week fluff girl to get me primed for the weekends when I would go swingers clubs with other chicks who lived out-of-town. Needless to say, little of this would have occurred had I been blasting her with ass fumes.

On top of all that, I certainly don’t want to do anything which will make it more likely that a girl will fart – or do other disgusting things of that nature – around me.

One of my best friends and his wife often shit in front of each other, with the bathroom door open. Since they’ve been married, and its about 14 or so years, they probably haven’t averaged having sex even once a year. He sleeps on the couch.

But if you guys want to keep farting around chicks, by all means do so – it’ll keep more pussy is on the market for me.

Let porn producer Ricky James, who is in the process of putting together the Seinfeld porn parody, Stienfeel, that I’ve applied for hook you up at the Baja 1000 this weekend. Party bar hop from Paris de Noche to Anthony’s to Poker Face to Charles with a hot Chica escort all night for just $200.

Don't miss a post - Subscribe to the Monologues!

Escorts Right in Your Area!

Click on this ad. If you want another city, then click on backpage.com on the top left of the next page, and on the page after that, change the city in the drop-down box on the right margin.

Search The Balls Monologues – type the search term(s) and hit enter

Endorsement Policy

I currently do not endorse or allow ads by any specific products, services, commercial establishments, destinations, parties, porn, hookers, or anything else you can spend money on that I personally believe are not worth patronizing. That having been said, since I obviously can't date every escort on backpage.com, for instance, I in no way am impliedly endorsing every offering of my advertisers.
If my policy changes due to increased circulation and I start whoring myself out to whoever has enough bucks, this message will be removed from the website.