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Earlier this month, one of my favorite artists, Ray LaMontagne, released his 5th studio album “Supernova”. As I got to track 5, a familiar name crooned out of Ray’s signature drawl, my very own, Julia. OH RAY, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE. I have been blessed with so many wonderful artists using my name in their songs. I haven’t quite figured out what it is about Julias around the world that inspire songs of love, tragedy, mystery, and anger. It’s like we leave a trail of affected musicians in our wake that are only left with the option to immortalize us via song. That, or our name just rhymes really easily.

In honor of all the non-fictional, or very real Julias, that have prompted musical creations, below is a list of the top 10 songs, in my personal ranking, from when you search “Julia” as title within iTunes. And Ray, thanks for the song, you majestic beast of a musician.

Conway Twitty

Rating: 2 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

You were always there for me, Julia

I was so afraid to fall in love

I thought you’d wait for me

Is it too late for me now? Have you given up?

Well gee Conway, I guess I will give up if you ever thought it was a good idea to leave a Julia in the first place. We’re amazing, don’t you know? I guess you learned your lesson since later you sputter “Just in case it matter, I love you”. IT’S TOO LATE FOR US NOW CONWAY. The only reason you get points is because this is cheesy country at its best. But if you can’t see the fabulous in front of you right away, then you don’t deserve a Julia in the first place.

Amelia Curran

Rating: 4 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

Julia, pages have been turned

On book of poems your lover learned

Did you praise the lines and blame the words

For if you have taken every phrase

And bled them all a rage

You’ve mistaken

Amelia kicks off the trend of soft spoken female singers on piano or acoustic guitar singing woefully about Julias. We seem to have an effect on these ladies. I appreciate her working in such words as “nightingale”, but these lyrics are a tad too metaphoric for my taste. But she has a lovely voice.

Chantal Kreviazuk

Rating: 5 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

Do they use you and then they lose you

When you get scared again?

They could never forget you

But they could say they said your name

Julia

I’ve never been a fan of this song, even when it was an actual hit. Maybe it’s because Chantal hits a little too close to home concerning our issues with commitment, or the vile sunny pop tone of the overall song. Either way, it doesn’t rank high in my books. But I’ll give points for making the public aware of the importance of the name Julia on the radio. SPREAD THE WORD.

Our Lady Peace

Rating: 5.5 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

Mother, and she’s only yours tonight, mother

Oh she never cries, mother

But I know there’s hurt inside, mother, Julia

Followed right after his wife (Chantal, right above us), here comes Raine Maida, lead singer of Our Lady Peace, belting out some 90’s grunge edition of Julia. This song is terrible, but I have to rank it higher only because I find it hilarious that both Raine and Chantal seem to have an obsession with me, and also I have a soft spot for Our Lady Peace.

Sza

Rating: 6 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

How could you forget that I’m the one who

Forgot all your mistakes, and dirty drawers

You know I care for you

When hell over earth came

I stood for you, will you stand for me?

This has a great dreamy dance tone that I’m a sucker for, and fits the aloofness that some Julia’s possess. Sza brings to light the loyalty a Julia can have. If you are so lucky to rope in a Julia, we will stand by you and love you, faults and all, and expect nothing in return. Unless you take advantage of it, and if we notice, it’s bad news for you.

Sally folk

Rating: 7 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

Julia we all got our little misery

Julia no one said it would be easy

When all these years are over

Will we still complain about it

Julia no one said that it would be easy

This has a great working class Bruce Springsteen vibe to it, and if I had a dick boyfriend or husband while working shitty hours at a diner, I could relate more to this, but alas that is not the type of Julia I am. But I do appreciate the honesty of this song.

Taken by trees

Rating: 7.5 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

Julia, you’re not the talking kind

Julia, I’ve been your kind

I hope you know, hope you know, hope you know,

You can tell me all that’s on your mind

We rarely speak but I think of you a lot

This is an adorable bittersweet ballad. The melody is a beautiful accompaniment for any Julia, and they hit on some deeper meanings that I can relate to. Hard to put into words why this one strikes a chord with me, so since they warmed this old Julia heart, I got to score them high.

Yes Ray, I would say that to you. And I AM no ordinary color! But for real, Ray paints a pretty picture for Julia’s everywhere, and we thank him. He marries it with a psychedelic bluesy summer feel on top of that, so I raise my summer of 2014 beer pint to him, and his ode to us.

The Beatles

Rating: 9 Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

Julia, Julia, morning moon, touch me

So I sing a song of love, Julia

When I cannot sing my heart

I can only speak my mind, Julia

Probably the most famous Julia song of all, by arguably the world’s biggest band (although it was written, performed, and sung solely by John Lennon). What a treat and honor. To be honest, this song has never resonated much for me, but its importance amongst Julia songs cannot, and will not, be denied. It truly is a lovely song dedicated to the memory of John’s mother who died when he was 17, and for Yoko.

The Very Best

Rating: infinite Julia’s out of 10

Inspired lyrics:

Julia! Julia!

I obviously have no idea what this song is about because it is sung in Chewa (at least I assume since the singer was born in Mzuzu, Malawi). But it does not matter, there is something so joyous and infectious about it, that every time the chorus hits with the chanting of my name, my whole body convulses in dance and happiness. This is my anthem. Nothing makes me happier. My name is Julia, I am a positive and optimistic person, and this song represents that more than any other song I know. Bonus points that it’s about me. I mean Julias. Or maybe Julia means something else in Chewa? Who knows. I’ll be over here, dancing.

Ain’t NOBODY got time to watch the bloated Grammys, thankfully I am here to tell you what’s up, and what is definitely not up. For a full list of winners, go here, and then raise a glass of your prefered drink to Mumford & Sons for taking home the top prize this year, those adorable power strumming musical wunderboys.

One of us is shagging Carey Mulligan.

BEST – LL COOL J IS BACK! AND KEEPING IT REAL!

Last year I sang LL’s praises for doing a wonderful job hosting, and CLEARLY the Grammys read my blog and were like, yeah lets just make him host every year. Once again LL had a great flow, delivered some genuine words about the music community, and praised every artist present accordingly. This year they even remembered that he was a legendary rapper and let him close the show, where he invited Chuck D, Travis Barker and Tom Morello to rock out with him. He also made my heart explode with gratitude when he took the time in his performance to pay tribute to MCA, aka Adam Yauch, who lost his battle with cancer last year. I actually teared up.

*side note: Adam’s death was the first time I was completely wrecked by a celebrity death, I couldn’t even find the words to blog about it, or how to pay him tribute. Losing him was like losing a Beatle for me. The Beastie Boys played a huge part in my musical upbringing/education, and I think what they did for music was so important. Adam was their anchor, and my personal favourite. RIP MCA.

WORST – TAYLOR SWIFT NEEDS TO STOP

I’m not saying she needs to stop her career, but she needs to stop the childish antics. It ain’t cute and always comes off petty. Her latest? Mimicking an English accent when delivering the mid-song monologue of so he calls me up and he’s like ‘I still love you’, implying she’s talking about her latest ex, british dude Harry Styles from One Direction. Can you ever just leave the personal attacks out of it Taylor? LAWD. But props to her guitarist for desperately trying to keep that 2003 emo hair style trendy.

BEST – JT IS BRINGING THE SEXY ONCE AGAIN

After what seems like a billion years, Justin Timberlake decided to take a break from making his acting career happen, and went back to what he truly does best – looking fly as fuck and sitting on his throne amongst music royalty. His performance was more suave than anything I’ve seen in a while, and his signature falsetto was on point. Topped with the effortless dance moves, calling Jay-Z up to rap, and rocking a cute new haircut, we welcomed Justin back with open arms. He is much needed on the music scene. I’m already counting down the days till the new album blesses us mortals.

We’re glad you’re back too Justin.

Doing his thang.

WORST – WHY IS IT RAINING ON FUN?

Fun exploded on the scene last year and ruled the radio airways, so it was not surprising when they won Song of The Year, and Best New Artist. What was surprising is the random rain that was dropped on them in the last minute of their performance. Which Art Director was high as fuck when this decision was made? It looked rather silly and made the band seem like some weird NYU art display experiment. What was cute – Lena Dunham freaking out anytime they won anything since she’s banging the guitarist.

BEST – A NIFTY LITTLE DUET

The Grammys always try to keep it real by pairing up artists who would regularly not perform together. Usually this fails, but for once they got it surprisingly right by pairing cutie pie Ed Sheeran (dude who sings that song A-Team that was this year’s “Hey There Delilah”) with none other than Sir Elton John. Elton kept his voice restrained as he sang along with the shy newcomer, and the result was quite pretty and breathed some new life into a song that we are all tired of hearing, lets be real.

WORST – WTF IS ADELE WEARING

Oh Adele, I usually love your style, but you win the WTF award this year for wearing something that resembles both drapes AND a tablecloth from 1978. Meanwhile JLo is taking a note from Angelina Jolie from last year’s Academy Awards. Damn gurl.

BEST – THE ROCK N ROLL BOYS ARE MAKING PANTIES DROP

Jack White and Dan Auerbach reminded us that no matter how you look, if you know what to do with your guitar, hormones will rage. Jack White is never my cup of tea in the appearance department, but when he’s breathing into the mic surrounded by weird hot chicks and then proceeds to rock the fuck out by himself, y’all know I would hit that. Meanwhile Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys swaggered around on stage and sang in his perfect sexy blues voice fondling his guitar in a way where you wish it was your own body, wink, wink. Offstage – who cares. Onstage – ROCK SEX GODS. Oh shit, I just found out Dan and his wife split. CALL MY MAYBE.

WORST – WHY DO I LIKE PITBULL?

Besides being able to recognize his weird latin rap drawl instantly, I don’t really know much about Pitbull or his music, but his presence amuses me. I enjoy his never ending selection of suave suits and awkward flirting with whoever he is being interviewed by/presenting with at award shows. Drake shares my conflict/confusion – he basically reacted the same way when Pitbull took the stage.

kindred spirits

BEST – UNDERRATED PERFORMANCE OF THE EVENING

Rapper Whiz Khalifa and crooner Miguel took the stage alone, their only accessories being their snazzy suits, and brought the house down with one of those memorable performances because no was expecting anything from them. Half of the audience didn’t know who they were, and they took advantage of it. When there are no expectations, artists of course tend to be more comfortable. Whiz and Miguel had all the swagger and confidence they needed, and performed an awesome song which felt like a throwback to smooth 90’s R&B with Miguel giving it 200% in the vocal department. Half way through you could tell they were having that surreal moment when they realize they are performing at the FUCKING GRAMMYS, and just gave everything. Always great when you see someone’s dream happening on stage, and they are relishing in every second of it. By the end everyone was grooving – except for Sting. Sting grooves for no one.

I can’t have tantric sex to this.

WORST – NCIS CHICK IS BACK

Last year they let this random hot mess TV actress present, and they let her back on stage again. WHY? WHO IS SHE BANGING? Dave Grohl was having none of his presenting partner. Seriously, is this chick dating a musician I’m not aware of? Side note – the random TV actors who present are always awkward as fuck at the Grammys. It’s like they got invited by the cool kids to an exclusive party and have no idea what to wear or say.

BEST – KELLY CLARKSON IS ADORABLE

Was so happy for Kelly’s win! She is such a down to earth artist, and her voice is incredible. Her acceptance speech was precious, and she rightfully called out Miguel’s great performance by calling it “the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen!”. Also I’m not sure what she said to Katy Perry and her new bad boy boyfriend John Mayer, but I’m thinking it’s something along the lines of “Your girlfriend is super hot and her tits look amazing tonight.” and John’s all “DON’T I KNOW IT.”

WORST – RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN ARE CRAZY

I honestly think Rihanna and Chris Brown have dived into some crazy ass world where only they exist. It was chilling to see them sit side by side, PDA in full effect, when only a few years ago Chris Brown beat the shit out of her after the 2009 Grammy Awards. I touched on this subject before in last year’s Grammys post, but to see Rihanna back with him, and later singing a song that was BLATANTLY about their relationship, was just extremely uncomfortable. I felt tense anytime the camera panned to them. Also once again Chris Brown was acting like a douche. He was still sitting there with a sense of entitlement that makes me want to vomit.

BEST – FLAWLESS ARTISTS SINGING TOGETHER

After the in memoriam montage, a bunch of really awesome artists came together to sing “The Weight” by The Band, and it was effortlessly cool. Mumford & Songs, fucking T-BONE BURNETT, Mavis Staples, Sir Elton John, the incredibly talented Brittany Howard from Alabama Shakes, and I think the dude from Zac Brown Band, all banded together perfectly to make us feel the right amount of soul and nostalgia.

WORST – JESUS CHRIST DEPP

Just… lay off the spray tan and get it together, will ya? Also Steven Tyler called, he’s gonna need some of those scarves back.

BEST – BOW TO MUSIC ROYALTY

Beyonce and Jay-Z made a rare award show appearance together, and reminded us why they rule the music biz. They just ooze power, and they fucking know it. Seated with them was Justin Timberlake (obviously) and Beyonce’s sister Solange. When Fun made their acceptance speech, they casually thanked Jay-Z as a joke cause he is legit like the Godfather of music right now, and the camera HILARIOUSLY cut to Jay-Z who was fucking sipping from a glass of cognac or some shit, while Jessica Biel (I keep forgetting she’s married to JT) and Solange sipped champagne, and mouthed “you’re welcome”. BOOM. JAY-Z UP IN DA GRAMMY’S, ALLOWED TO DRINK ALCOHOL IN HIS SEAT. NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING. BOW. Best moment of the whole broadcast.

OBLIGATORY NICOLE KIDMAN HAVING A GREAT FUCKING TIME AT THE GRAMMYS THANKS YOU FOR YOUR TIME.