When the SoBaptCo and the Scientologists pool ammo and march on Rome, when the Swiss Guard arms its crossbows, nobody’s more surprised than Pope Lando III to see the Castell Crystal Healing Movement ring the Basilica–in defense.

“We’ve just said some awful things about each other,” explains the Pope in whatever language he speaks. Guaraní?

“We’re the only people who believe in artifacts anymore,” replies Castell himself. “Holy water, vibrating amethyst, tomato, tomato.” He says it with the long A both times. “Our concrete faith will save this city!”