Escape The Friend Zone: From Friend to Girlfriend or Boyfriend

Go from friend to girlfriend or friend to boyfriend.

How do you motivate a friend to be "more than friends"? How do you move forward from "just friends" to girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, or lover? How do you escape the friend zone?

I often get questions like these from readers asking how to get out of "the friend zone". I have also been watching the new MTV show Friend Zone lately. So, I've decided to share my own advice for how to transition from being just a friend to a girlfriend, or just a friend to a boyfriend. Read on and learn how to go from a friend to a lover with a few simple techniques...

What is "The Friend Zone"?

For those who don't know the term, "the friend zone" refers to a situation where one individual in a friendship develops more intense feelings and wants to become "more than friends" with the other person. More often than not, the other person is unaware of the friend's desires and quite happy in the friendship-only arrangement. As a result, the person is "stuck" in the "friend zone", unable to transition from just friend to girlfriend or boyfriend.

Being stuck in a friendship and wanting more can be a frustrating position. Sometimes this frustration is sexually-motivated, with one friend desiring a physical relationship with the other. On other occasions, the friends are already sexually involved (i.e. friends-with-benefits), but there is a motivation to transition into a "relationship" as a committed girlfriend or boyfriend. In other instances, both motivations play a role. Nevertheless, in any case, wanting more than you are currently getting is a heart-wrenching situation. The "friend zone" is not an easy place to live!

Why Does "The Friend Zone" Happen?

Before I help you get out of the friend zone, we first need to discuss why people get stuck there in the first place. Essentially, all relationships are social exchanges (for more, see here). This means that people set up give-and-take agreements, usually without discussion, to get what they want from the other person and give what they are willing to give.

When someone gets stuck in the friend zone, they have entered into an exchange friendship that isn't even. The other person is getting everything he/she wants...but the person stuck in the friend zone isn't. In a nutshell, the friend zone person sold himself or herself short. They gave their "friend" everything, without making sure they got everything they wanted in return.

Let's look at some examples to make this point clear...

Bob and Jenny are friends. As "friends", Bob pretty much does everything for Jenny. He takes her places, buys her things, listens to all of her problems, and helps her out of trouble. Bob, however, wants to be Jenny's boyfriend. Jenny, though, isn't interested because she's having all of her "boyfriend" needs met by Bob, without having to meet his. She can be free, non-committed, and still have all of Bob's effort. That is why Bob is in the friend zone.

Sally and Pat are friends-with-benefits. They hang out and hook up. Sally, however, wants to be in a real relationship with Pat. Pat, in contrast, is happy to just hook up. Pat is being sexually fulfilled, without having to meet Sally's commitment needs. The exchange isn't in Sally's favor and she has nothing left to bargain with. Therefore, she's stuck in the friend zone.

How to Escape the Friend Zone

To escape the friend zone, you must first realize that all relationships involve negotiation - and you are attempting to "re-negotiate" the current exchange. Essentially, you want "more" from the other person. Most likely, you are already giving too much and what you really want is for them to balance the scales.

Fortunately, there are a few influence principles that do indeed balance the scales. Using those principles, we can devise a few steps to get you out of the friend zone:

1) Be Less Interested - The relationship is already imbalanced because you value it more than the other person. Take a step back. Being "needy" is no way to negotiate. Desperate people end up with what others give them, not what they want. So, be less interested and ready to walk away if you don't get the relationship you want. Those who are more willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship (called the "Least Interested Principle" - Waller & Hill, 1951).

2) Make Yourself Scarce - Spend some time away from your "friend" and do less for them. If they truly appreciate you, then your absence will make them miss you and want you more. This is the principle of "Scarcity" - where people value something more when it is rare or taken away from them (Cialdini, 2009). When you are no longer around as much or tending to their needs, they will most likely feel the loss. This will increase their desire for you and their willingness to meet your needs back. If it doesn't, then they are just "not that into you"...and don't value you. In that case, find another "friend".

3) Create Some Competition - Go out and make some other "friends" of the sex you are attracted to. Broaden your social network. Then, talk about these new friends with the friend you desire. Competition and a little jealousy are another great way to develop "Scarcity" (Cialdini, 2009). People value more what they think they might lose. If you are "busy" with other people, you might just find your friend a bit more eager and motivated for your time and attention. If you don't see any "jealousy" though, then they might not want to be "more than friends". In that case, set your sights on someone new!

4) Get Them To Invest - Ask your friend to do things for you. Contrary to popular belief, people like you more when THEY do favors for you, rather than when you do the favor for them (for more, see here). This is called the Ben Franklin Effect (Jecker & Landry, 1969). The more they invest in the relationship, the more you will mean to them. So, stop doing favors...and start asking for them. Get them to give you a ride, study with you, fix something, etc. Heck, even asking them to get you a soda from the fridge has an impact!

5) Be Rewarding - Don't forget to be grateful and reward your friend when they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back. Being attentive and affectionate, only when they do what you like, encourages them to continue those behaviors (for more, see here). Also, ignoring them when they behave badly helps to reduce unwanted behaviors (for more, see here). Always remember to keep an environment of mutual gratitude flowing too (see here).

Taking It From There

Applying the steps above will balance the value and exchange in the relationship. It will highlight how truly valuable, desirable, and important you are to your "friend". Essentially, it will raise your status and worth in their eyes. You might even be able to pick up the change in their body language when you are around (for more, see here).

From those first steps, it is a matter of changing the actual relationship, either by asking the question directly or indirectly. Perhaps you'd like to indirectly ask them out on a real date (see here)? Maybe you'd prefer the direct approach (see here and here)? Or, perhaps a conversation is more your way (see here)? You could always just go for the kiss too (see here)! In any case, find a way to either directly or indirectly ask for what you want...and you'll be much more likely to get it. That is, unless they find you so attractive now that they ask you first!

When you ask, just make sure to use good body language yourself (see here). Look and act your best too (see here and here). Don't forget to be a little persuasive as well (see here). Also, if you're specifically looking for a commitment or sex, go here or here respectively.

Conclusion

It is possible to dig out of an uneven, "friend zone" exchange, with a little persuasion and influence. Go for what you want in a relationship and don't settle for less. Just remember to focus on your own worth, don't be desperate, and be willing to walk away. Allow some space for the other person to miss you. Make some friends outside of that friendship and create a little competition too. Finally, let that friend invest in you and reward them for it. If they truly value you in their life, then they will be much more likely to take the relationship to the next level. If they don't, you already have some new friends, your self-respect, and one foot out the door :)

this is a very interesting blog post! Although having a vision impairment has its own issues. Having said that, knowing where the boundaries lie for starters. I know for a fact that i'm probably desperate to get off the single life band wagon but, age doesn't matter as to when a girlfriend comes along. I'm behind the 8ball in some respects as not being able to see can mean missing facial expression if someone's uncomfortable. And if it comes to holding hands, who should be the one to initiate that? Should i ask to initiate that or should the friend do that? Maybe relationship counciling will have to take place before i get into anything like that and it probably sounds stupid that fear of rejection is the monkey on my back so to speak but, rejection happens it's probably how it is dealt with

It sounds like you have a couple of things on your mind. Regarding anxiety and rejection, I have written a couple of articles already that may help. You can find them with these links:

Dealing with Rejection Part 1: Handling Others' Rejecting Behavior

How to Reduce Dating Anxiety

With regard to your vision issues... Sometimes being successful in dating requires turning a disadvantage into an opportunity. Your impairment offers an excellent "excuse" to request getting closer and physical with a woman. Perhaps you ask to hold her hand as you walk together, so that you "know she's there". Maybe you ask to sit leg-to-leg close, next to her, so you can "be attentive" and "feel her body language" that you "can't see". Perhaps you even request to "touch her face" to "pick up on the small, beautiful details that your eyes can't focus on". All of these things offer a wonderful "reason" to for her to be comfortable with you getting closer...all based on your "impairment".

So, don't get down...and keep trying! Everyone can find love. If you do require additional help, counseling is always a good approach too.

Women do usually find bold actions more attractive. So, overall, I agree. However, if you read Kyle's comment above, then you will see he has severe vision issues. SO, he CANNOT just take her hand. Therefore, "asking" was a special bit of advice for his situation - not general advice for all.

Yeah. Never ask. Another thing you can do which I prefer when your about to go walking somewhere with her is to put your hand out there for her to grab o to. Either she sees your hand and grabs or she sees it and doesnt. Just leave her hand out for a few seconds, 10 max.

That's part of what makes the strategy so successful. You clearly find out whether the person is capable of having more feelings for you or not. If they are, taking a step back will draw them closer. If they are not, then stepping back will extract you from a bad situation. Either way, it is better than pining away for something you will never have.

Besides, if you can make yourself scarce and the other person doesn't care, then they are not even a good friend...let alone a good lover. Better to find that out, then waste your time and effort that could be better spend elsewhere.

Good strategy & pointers. I'll give it a shot and report. Situation: I am frustrated with a girl-friend who I want to become my girlfriend. She's already in a long-term relationship but flirts like crazy.
PH
San Diego

This is the one thing I don't get. As much as I want a friend-zone to become something more, why should one have to walk away if they don't want it to become something more. If you leave you become a terrible friend. You're abandoning a long-time friend just because they don't want to start having sex with you. That sounds like something a terrible person/friend would do, putting them in an awkward ultimatum.

Let me answer you because i have been in one, for 5 years i do not have any feelings for her and considered her as a sister. I have been there for her good and bad, i know her nasty secrets, through the years, but for some reasons, one day my feelings changed. Little by little the teasing starting to eat the walls. A lot more happened so to make it short, i told her i cannot be her 'brother' anymore because i want her romanticly, also her existance is too bright it blocks out anybody else. I could not date anyone because shes all i think about. Bottling it up can take u soo far, u have to let it out. It might sound terrible as a friend, believe me i do not want it to happen. But i think being honest and saying it is the best thing u can do than deceive the both of u. As for me, i miss her a lot, one day we might reconnect again but it will never be the same, and u know what, im looking forward to it.

Submitted by fate or just not that interested.. on December 19, 2011 - 1:46am

My scenario includes an old crush from high school that has resurfaced. I had been in other relationships and so had he and by chance we both have returned to the same hometown at the same time both of us are dating but nothing serious, kind of like we did not expect to still have a little spark there until we met up in person.

Since we have last seen each other as friends 3 years ago I have lost 30 lbs and gained my self confidence I did not have back in high school and he has noticed but more in a hot and cold aspect since he is dating around. We started talking online as friends again once we realized we were back in the same town and decided to meet up for lunch. Lunch turned into a 4 hour conversation realizing how much we had in common now and him texting me an hour after we left saying how great it was seeing me and hanging out not to mention how great I looked.

We are both attractive people and just in the past 7-8 months got out of a serious relationship that had pretty bad break ups and now are enjoying dating and the attention with it. He has a job that takes him out of town for a few months at a time and I think I want this to be more but I'm not sure if he does because he's talkative and wanting to hang out one week then the next I hear nothing. Then I back off for a few days and he comes around again then has to leave for work, the its back to the start again.

My girlfriends are telling me just to let it go but for some reason my gut is telling me that it just might need some time to flourish since there is a really long friendship between us (9 years) that is going to put on the line and the whole changing the way we see each other mentally, but I could just be seeing things through rose colored glasses. It's so hard to tell when your newly attracted to some one!

What would your advice be to get this moving away from old friends to possibly new lovers or more? We have never had a real date yet and haven't hung out more than 3 times. So I'm lost!

Thanks for the advice :)

By the way your blogs are fascinating and I can not wait to read your next one!

Hi! My scenerio had to do with a guy that I "hung out" with for 2 1/2 months. We hung out every weekend and he always payed but he never attempted to build a relationship with me. In that time he never touched me! (much less kissed me). I remember he spend a whole afternoon at my house and spent the whole time at the edge of my couch. I just felt nothing for him after the first 3 dates. I would flirt by text and get little reaction (I remember asking him if he could have 1 food 3x a day for the next month what would he have. his one word response "tacos") Only after I basically told him I was through with him did he finally come out and say that he had "never felt this way before" but by then I was so disgusted and frustrated with him that I was done. Now I find myself wondering if I gave up too soon or if my expectations on what I should expect from men are too high? Also how can I avoid this happening in the future?

I appreciate that you have these concerns and questions. They show that you care and want to do right by others. I want to encourage you in this perspective-taking, looking at all sides, and caring.

In situations such as this, I have found that it pays to be forward and ask for what you want. Instead of making the guy make 100% of the moves (and judging him negatively when he doesn't), try meeting him half way. He was clearly interested and investing in you (hanging out and PAYING every week, for 10 weeks). However, he also sounded a bit shy and intimidated by his attraction to you. He was nervous to do ALL of the work.

Men receive a number of very mixed messages today. While I encourage them to be assertive...much of the other advice is not so supportive or empowering. It is not uncommon for men to feel that it is "wrong" or "disrespectful" to attempt to kiss a woman...especially if she isn't showing clear interest and consent. If I were talking to him, I would encourage him to feel ok about being a bit more forward. However, given the current climate of equality, I would certainly encourage you to be a bit more forward too. Clearly let the guy know you are attracted to him and want more...or just kiss him!

If he was treating you like garbage and not putting in 50%, I might give different advice. Also, others might wrongfully advise that the man should do all the work, while it is a woman's right to simply observe and judge. But, I believe your disgust and frustration were misplaced and your expectations are indeed "one sided". Unfortunately, they led you to reject a man who would have probably made an excellent boyfriend. It would have just required that you tell him how you feel, ask for what you wanted a bit, and lessen some of the stress and pressure on him.

As it is, you can certainly avoid this unfortunate situation in the future. When you have a man who is treating you well and investing his time/money into a relationship...meet him half-way. Tell him you like him. Encourage his interest. Make a few moves. Take a few risks onto you (and off of him). Be courageous too. That is a truly equal, caring, and balanced relationship. You may just find yourself with a truly good guy that way...

One final point of advice... If you choose to NOT take my advice, and stick with the more "traditional" arrangement of having the guy make all of the moves while you judge his performance, then please consider judging/dumping him quickly. If you "feel nothing" for him after date 3 and don't intend to make a move yourself, it is unfair to make him pay for another 7 dates. Either meet him half-way or cut him loose :)

Thanks for the advice...and I agree with your statement about when you pull back and he doesn't even seem to notice, that it's time to walk away. Well, I agree....but whether I can actually give up trying is another story! LOL Sad, I know!!

But that's pretty much my situation...I've been in the friendszone with this guy for a few years now, and just recently his FWB.

I tried to not call him for a while, but really didn't get much of a reaction at all. He can pretyt much get any girl he wants and is a huge flirt. But I realize that he's also a vain guy and I know he's not physically attracted to me....I'm not a stunning, petite blonde! And unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to change that part.

I've been in friendzone with this guy for a few months now.I want us to be more than friends but he said he cant since we live far away from each other.He doesnt believe in long distance relationship.That breaks my heart.I cry everyday thinking of that and hoping that he would change his mind.He said he never wanted to hurt me that he drinks and smoke , his dick does all his thinking.I know that and i understand coz we're still young.I made up a story of my ex and told him to make him jealous and at the end it backfired me.he thought that im on the rebound that i need him.

We talked a lot.And now i feel like thing has changed.no more jokes no more laugh,even its hard to find time to talk to him.maybe he hates me but he says that he cares.He often hurt my feeling and i know it happens unintentionally but it hurts.maybe im just too fragile so its ok.

i dunno how to think i dunno what to do.i try not to talk to him so that i can forget him and at the same time maybe my absence would make him miss me.but all just bullshit.

Hey there, I enjoyed reading the article, it was well written, etc. However, i do feel that more often than not, knowing how to avoid the Friend Zone entirely would be more useful. The past 7 - Yeah, i keep count - people in a row that I have had romantic interest with - My last romantic relationship was roughly 1½ or so ago, to give you an idea of pace - I managed to end up in the Friend Zone. So I applied some of these steps after a while - eventually you learn them, if you're at all interested in psychology, i guess - but every time, what ended up happening was that the entire friendship just kinda faded away. Now, as you say, that's much better than continuing a friend-relationship in which one party wants more, but still I end up none the happier, just less painful, if you will. What seemed to happen wasn't that the scales were uneven, it was more along the lines of not enough weight on either side for my preference, but enough weight for their preference. What i mean is, we were roughly even, but i wanted more and they didn't. It seems that avoiding it entirely is more effective.. now, how to do so is most certainly not my forté, as you can see above. I'm assuming that i need to just be more forward faster or something, but i don't know. I'd love some advice on this subject.

I am totally sandwiched right now between the first one or two steps and my want to hang out. I really love this girl and she loves me too, but as a brother. She likes it when I call her babe and be sweet to her but I am lost because I don't want to stop hanging around her but I want her to get that feeling of me slipping away. She also told me that she never wants to lose me so she already has a sense of that, therefore it is very difficult for her to get more of a want for me, so what should I do in this sense?

Dude - that's cruel. A woman decides whether or not a man is boyfriend material within 90 seconds of meeting him. Once you've been Friend Zones, the only way out it to pull the ripcord and bail. Not interested is not interested, and isn't going to change.

So true. I was in a “friend zone” situation and tried to redefine it. As one would expect, it was a F’ing train wreck. Now she won’t even say a word to me.
While it’s terribly disappointing, over time I’m starting to think “what a pointless waste, should never have bothered with her from the get go, and I’m better off not being a doormat”
People will take when it’s easy and give nothing back if they can.

someone's got to keep the peace on here. it feels like the comment i made has been blown out of praportion the only time i did ever hold hands was when it was iniciated by another woman i didn't ask her. so is it true you never ask a girl if you can hold her hand or was i just incensed at this. I never know what to do. i'm either given consent to touch and i feel i'm not allowed to even ask or i keep looking over my shoulder every 5 seconds for fear of getting into trouble! it's a touchy subject!

I try to avoid "never" and "always", as there are usually exceptions to rules. For instance, a great number of women find many men "asking" for a kiss, hug, etc. as a turn-off. Other women, however, want men to ask for permission to do anything and get offended when they don't. This has a long explanation in political correctness, dominance/submission, masculinity/femininity, and various gender ideologies that empower one group at the expense of another. The short answer is that it becomes a headache for men without clear guidance.

Given that, generally speaking, men are given the advice to take bold action. The majority of women appear to find it attractive.It also helps men to appear confident and assertive, as opposed to the more passive "asking".

Your personal situation can be considered an exception to that rule though. If you cannot see a woman's hand, then you cannot try and hold it without permission. You must ask for it...and they must give it to you.

Even then, however, there are more assertive ways of "asking". You can hold out your own hand and say something like "where is your hand?", or "give me your hand", or "take my hand". This is more confident and attractive to a good number of women, as opposed to a more passive "can I hold your hand?" or "would you hold my hand?". See the difference?

I'm graduated but met this girl while visiting my old college who lives near me. The college is 3 hours away, so we gradually through texting, built up rapport then hung out together once during her Christmas break. Since then things escalated to where we text for hours at night, everyday, for the past month straight and have really gotten to know each other better. I consider her to be one of my best friends. She really likes me too and would probably say the same. We've hung out once at home since then.

My struggling point came when I went to her place for a weekend. We built up a lot of sexual tension texting, and she's very open and more sexually experienced then me. We had sex each night. But then I told her after sex I wanted to take her on a date before I left. Bad choice. She told me that'd be fine but to make sure it's casual. She said she wasn't happy with herself the past several years until recently when she started getting attractive and hit on by guys. She said she doesn't want anything serious. Yet she was just in a rather serious relationship this past summer which ended. The guy she was dating then was a sexual deviant and why she's so open sexually now though not slutty.

Should I just enjoy the FWB relationship we have, even though I can see myself potentially getting hurt? Or should I push for her to settle down with me. I'm going to see her again by surprising her on valentines day (she thinks I'm coming Friday) and be staying for four nights with her. We still text daily but have recently begun doing phone calls once in a while.

What would your advice be? Should I pull away from texting her everyday, sit down and talk more deeply with her, do I tell her how I feel and what I want? Your opinions greatly appreciated.

Given your description, I'm concerned that this young woman may not be a good candidate emotionally for a relationship. It sounds like she has some self-esteem issues. She is primarily getting her validation and feeling good about herself by getting sexual attention from men. When you combine it with the fact that her most serious relationship experience had, what you consider, a "deviant" sexual component, she may be seriously confusing sex for love, self-esteem, and validation. The fact that she is so willing to sleep with you casually, yet wary of an actual "date", lends support to her fixation on sexual attention only.

Given all that, I would say that she is both uninterested and possibly unsuited for more than a purely sexual relationship. Given her recent experiences, she may never change on that issue, always desiring fresh sexual attention for validation and self-esteem. While you may simply label that behavior as "open" right now, trading sexual favors to get esteem and validation is often eventually the hallmark of promiscuous (i.e. slutty) behavior. Until those behaviors and feelings change (usually with counseling), she is probably not a good candidate for a serious, monogamous, relationship.

Having said that, whether you continue a FWB relationship is up to you. If you desire more than a friendship and a casual fling, however, then you have a high probability of getting hurt. Women (and men) in the particular frame of mind you describe often desire fresh experiences and multiple partners (i.e. a short-term mating strategy). So, if you require for monogamy and fidelity, you may be hurt to find that she may have other FWB's as well.

Overall, I would take her at her word - and not try to change her. If you can just enjoy the sex, without getting attached, then have fun. If you are not wired that way, then just stay friends without the "benefits". Either way, trying to make it more romantic is just going to backfire. Forcing yourself there on Valentine's day, when she doesn't want romance, may sour both the potential sex...and perhaps even the friendship.

Personally, I think you are way more invested in the relationship than she is. Take a step back. Enjoy it for what it is, rather than trying to force it to be something more. If you desire a relationship, then continue to date other women. Getting your sexual needs met with her will put less pressure on you "having to settle" for another woman and make dating more fun. Also, dating other women will allow you to be less emotionally invested in your FWB. Furthermore, the competition and you being sometimes busy and invested with other women might make your FWB change her mind. But chasing, talking, and smothering your FWB is not going to change her mind. So, enjoy it for the friendship and benefits (if you can), date other women to find a girlfriend, and if your FWB changes her mind..she will definitely let you know. Otherwise, don't wait around for what may never happen.

So this friend says she likes me we kissed a few times at the bar, afterwards she says shes really interested, next day talk for hours. Then the day after that (2 days after the bar) she says she just got kind of official with another guy. She likes me and is interested, says I'm a great guy. What the issue right now if she is interested but doesn't want the relationship?

Ok im in high school and this girl i've been talking to seems to have put me in the friend zone. For a while we were friends, and then we got real close and had a little thing because we both liked each other. After like 3 weeks of this i texted her twice and she didn't answer so I guessed she didn't like me anymore. We stopped talking for like 2 weeks and one day she just texted me. That was about a month ago and since then we've been talking a lot again. I think she put me in the friend zone because she be's saying stuff like how she wouldn't hook up with us (me and my friends) and she always finds ways to make everything sound friendly. She keeps texting me and I don't know what to do because I know I'm supposed to ignore her for ice her for a little to see what she does but she keeps texting me. HELP!!!!!

sorry if I am wrong but for me what you wrote sounds like the one in the friend zone is the poor victim, who is being treated badly and used by the other part. I do not believe it's that simple.

I am a girl so I will be talking about the situation when the guy is in the "friend zone". Of course it also applies to the opposite situation.

I can tell you I am really sick of guys first pretending to be your friend (even if they know from the start you are in a stable and happy relationship) and INSISTING they want to be a friend anyway, and then eventually blaming you because you "played them", even if there were absolutely no signs to justify that. It is just beyond unfair. Even more so if you tell them MANY TIMES that you are not interested in a romantic relationship and simply can't love them - and they still stay and insist they want to be your friend, just because they don't take what you say seriously.

My advice to avoid "friend zone": If you feel you want more from a girl TELL HER RIGHT AWAY. If she doesn't want more DON'T PRETEND you want to be her friend anyway and say things as they are: you don't want her if you can't get more.

Staying there and pretending, hoping that because you are so "nice" and doing all those things, she will eventually HAVE TO love you back, because she "owes you for all you've done for her" is SIMPLY WRONG. It doesn't make you a nice person, you only damage yourself and also her, because you make her believe she can count on you and you really value her personality. While in reality you don't give a damn about her, unless you can get what you want!

Now I do understand that you need to move on and all that, but then DO MOVE ON and stop fooling both of you. Girls who "put you in friend zone" have feelings too. The fact she doesn't want what you want doesn't mean she is a bad person! So just stop pretending. Decide what you want and do it.

Here is what most girls would agree with and all guys should read:
http://leastlikely.net/the-friend-zone-is-bullshit-and-here-is-why/

And yes, sorry if my post seems angry, I guess I am - just had an experience when I was basically pushed to stay friends despite of my tries to make it clear to the person that it might be the wrong thing to do for him. And now I am the bad person (and worse...) who played him. Just because he finally realized I wasn't joking when I said (multiple times) I don't love him and want to stay with my bf. So he finally put away his "nice guy mask" and his usual "I really want to be your friend in any case because of your great personality" and showed his real face.
I guess I will run away immediately if this happens again before I get attached to the person and then insulted for no reason and eventually "disposed of"...

Thank you so much for saying this. I read through the article and the other comments, shaking my head in disgust. The only common sense in the entire article is the statement that neither party can really help how they feel about the other. That does not place the one with stronger, exclusive feelings in the right and the other in the wrong.

I am disgusted that a psychologist would place the blame for a "friend zone" scenario solely on the shoulders of the friend-zoner. Your grasp of theory of mind is at best questionable here, Dr. Nicholson. By stating that this party places lesser value on the relationship fails to take into account the fact that this party views it as a platonic friendship and may not be aware of the other's unmet affection or interest. She (for the sake of ease and because the article is written from that bias) may not have any interest whatsoever in a surrogate boyfriend. She might well be using the friend-zonee in this way, or she might even be reciprocating such favours as favours - as a part of friendship. But if the friend-zonee imbalances a friendship with excessive attention and acts of kindness as a means to an end, then he's the one who is failing to find satisfactory value what his friend is offering - a friendship. In plain English, he's being a bad friend by placing unrealistic or unachievable expectations on his friend.

Men and women in the "friend zone," listen up: If you aren't satisfied with your relationship with someone who does not return your romantic or sexual interest, staying friends with them for the sole purpose of trying to impress, pressure, seduce or persuade them to "the next level" is the worst thing you could possibly do, not just for you, but for them. Friendship is a part of a romantic relationship, but romance (and/or sex) is not "the next level" of friendship. Get that through your heads. If your friend doesn't seem interested, they probably aren't.

Trying to make the object of your unrequited affections jealous of your other friendships is petty and insulting. Make other friends, explore other romance interests, and take time away from them for your sake, not theirs. If you're tempted to "earn" someone's affection by making them feel neglected or unimportant, maybe that's your answer as to why they weren't interested in more than friendship right there.

I have covered this point elsewhere. Please see point 3 of this article:

Avoiding the Friend Zone: Becoming a Girlfriend or Boyfriend

Indeed, it sounds like the guy was being dishonest in your situation. It is good that you recognized that.

I would agree that removing yourself from the situation immediately in the future is the best strategy. In fact, because you are committed to your boyfriend, it might be good to select male friends who only respect your wishes (or not have them at all). At the first sign that a male "friend" is out for more, cut contact with him completely. Anything less may indeed inadvertently send him the signal that he has a "chance"...and may be hurtful to your boyfriend as well. Boyfriends tend to trust girlfriends more who keep firm boundaries against other guys with disrespectful intentions.

However, I am sorry, but it seems to me that you are assuming a bit too much. And again, you make it sound as if it was due to my "wrong signals" that it all happened. I can just repeat, it is not that simple.

Devious dating? What makes you think there was any "dating" and that it was devious?
There were a couple of projects that me and that guy worked on together and everything else "rotated" around that work.
Also, I was absolutely clear with him right from the start and he knew all the time I was in a stable long-term relationship.
I never "cried on his shoulder", never used him (in fact I believe I helped him more than he did, without expecting anything in return while he actually took money from me for his help a couple of times).
We were friends at first, then he wanted more. I told him that (while I value him very much as a friend) I was happy in my relationship and there was NO CHANCE I would want to be with him. Not then and not in the future. He was upset, then said that of course he understood but he would prefer to stay my friend and my work partner "by all means", because he valued "my personality" and "my way of thinking" and would "also want me as a friend if I were a man".
If somebody says it to you like this, you do not assume immediately they have "dishonest intentions".
Also, I suggested several times that we stop contact because it might prevent him from moving on. He INSISTED to stay friends, apologized for losing his temper. After a couple of times it happened I cut contact completely, but he is actually still trying to regain it, again apologizing, but I simply don't believe that anymore... However it is hard not to react, because I am generally kind to people and ignoring somebody makes me feel bad.

"In fact, because you are committed to your boyfriend, it might be good to select male friends who only respect your wishes".
Yes, except - again - there is not always a way to tell who does and who doesn't until it is too late.

"(or not have them at all)"
It sounds like one of that guy's angry arguments: "if you have a bf, you shouldn't have male friends!"
Well, when it comes to friends I don't make a difference, I see only a "person". I have both male and female friends and I treat them equally. Just because a friend is male you don't have to assume there is any flirting or similar going on. Just because one guy reacted this way, doesn't mean all men will react so or want more from me. Also, having male friends doesn't have to mean I am not pleased with my relationship.

It is possible for people of opposite genders to be friends for sure. In fact I have an example of a "good solution" too. Another friend, whom I have been friends with for over 10 years now, initially wanted more too, but he told me about it immediately, found out what my feelings were and accepted my wish without any blaming or name calling.
He took some time away, then returned as a "true" friend without any expectations. Now he is happily married and we are still good friends.

"At the first sign that a male "friend" is out for more, cut contact with him completely."
So you are saying as soon as somebody tells they feel more for me, my reply should be "ok I don't want any contact with you anymore!" Is that not a bit too harsh?
I might not cut contact completely (because not everybody is the same) but yes, I would for sure reduce contact, at least until it is "safe" again.

"...and may be hurtful to your boyfriend as well. Boyfriends tend to trust girlfriends more who keep firm boundaries against other guys with disrespectful intentions."
Well... what can I say. Again, it is a pity you assume I didn't keep "firm boundaries", but ok...
My boyfriend knows all my friends and he trusts me completely. But thank you for your concern. :)

My title of "devious dating" was meant to be a comment on your "friend's" attempt to fake friendship to get more. Some people do tend to do this, sometimes frequently, for a number of reasons. Sometimes it is intentionally manipulative. Other times, it is a result of their low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness. Nevertheless, in all circumstances it is insincere. Hence, a "devious" type of "dating.

As for your various questions/comments:

1)"At the first sign that a male "friend" is out for more, cut contact with him completely." So you are saying as soon as somebody tells they feel more for me, my reply should be "ok I don't want any contact with you anymore!" Is that not a bit too harsh?

This is not being "harsh", it is having good boundaries. Some men will indeed take advantage of your kindness and "feeling bad" about ignoring them. I am not blaming you for the situation. Nor am I saying your feelings caused it. However, having a bit thicker skin in the future will save you from the next guy taking advantage of your sympathies.

Beyond that, being "just friends" with someone that has romantic feelings is inherently unfair. We have rules that bosses cannot date subordinates, and professors cannot date students, because the power imbalance is unfair. The "lesser" person cannot really say no, so the more powerful person has to break off contact.

Having someone desire you, when you don't want them, is also "power" over them. There is no way of knowing whether they are being kind, in any given situation, because they are "just friends" or because they secretly still desire you and cannot say no. Given that, it is best to cut all contact when romantic feelings are not shared. As you feared, it does indeed prevent them from "moving on" as well. You had good intuition. Listen to it next time. Cut them loose, at least until they genuinely move on. Then there will not be a lingering problem of mismatched feelings and no chance of people being dishonest or hurt.

2) It sounds like one of that guy's angry arguments: "if you have a bf, you shouldn't have male friends!" Well, when it comes to friends I don't make a difference, I see only a "person". I have both male and female friends and I treat them equally.

That is a very "female" perspective. It is not wrong. But, many men would disagree with you. Women have a much easier time just being friends. Many men, particularly those who are single, have sexual interest in their female friends. So, just because you can be friends with them...does not mean that they are not secretly lusting for you. If you are physically attractive, they are heterosexual, and they do not have a girlfriend they are attracted to, chances are good that they would like to be "more than friends" with you.

As for your success story... Another friend, whom I have been friends with for over 10 years now, initially wanted more too, but he told me about it immediately, found out what my feelings were and accepted my wish without any blaming or name calling. He took some time away, then returned as a "true" friend without any expectations. Now he is happily married and we are still good friends.

This man had a couple of differences. 1) He was not "devious" in any way, being straightforward with his inquiry. 2) He "took some time away" to get over his feelings. 3) He found someone else to satisfy his sexual/romantic desires.

That is very different than staying friends with a guy who was dishonest, did not take "no" for an answer, and was not moving on. If you cut off contact with a guy and he comes back 6 months later, happy and in love, then by all means be buddies with him. But, if he is single, dishonest, and pushes you to stay friends...that is bad news.

3) Well... what can I say. Again, it is a pity you assume I didn't keep "firm boundaries"

I'm sorry you are insulted by that, but you did not keep firm boundaries. A dishonest man essentially pestered you into an unhealthy and disrespectful interaction, because you "felt bad". Repeatedly caving to him "insisting" you stay friends, despite you being uncomfortable, is indeed poor boundaries. It allowed him to put his feelings and desires above what was good for you, your boyfriend, and your relationship.

Again, I am not blaming you for causing the problem. Rather, I am telling you that you can better protect yourself in the future by being stronger and more decisive. You voiced the concern that you were hurt and troubled by the interaction. Having stronger boundaries, cutting people out of your life quickly, and avoiding those who disrespect your relationship are ways of taking control and preventing the problem from happening again. If someone broke into your house, it wouldn't be your "fault". BUT, it might be a good idea to understand why it happened, buy some new locks, and an alarm the door so it doesn't happen again...

Yes, it indeed clarified a lot for me. Also, I wish I had those clear instructions earlier ("just cut contact no matter what they feel"). I guess I was trying to treat him well/not hurt him and ended up doing the opposite.. :/

Yes, cutting contact can be very hard, especially if then I get blamed for being "cold-hearted" as well (as it is still happening now - it changes between apologizing and blaming and apologizing again, even without any participation or reaction from me).
It was actually the only thing that I didn't try before. But if you work with somebody it is not always easy or even possible (and btw. he did get a girlfriend at some point, but broke up with her later, so there was a time when I believed he "really moved on").

It does feel quite unfair to me that you say it was me "not keeping firm boundaries" despite of the fact I was always very clear, but I believe it is a problem similar to what many call "victim blaming", when somebody points out there was something you could have done to "shield" yourself from what happened. Even if it doesn't necessarily make it your fault, it still hurts to hear it.

I found your point "That is a very "female" perspective" interesting. I believe maybe you could mention it in your main article, because I don't think many people look at it this way. Or maybe write an article for the opposite situation, for those who "friendzone", intentionally or not?
As I said, I have both male and female friends and always had, so I never thought that women have much easier time being just friends. So far for me there has only been this one case when things went so wrong.
I'll keep what you said in mind and of course, will try to learn from this experience.

Also, since I am not the only person who found your article slightly more in favour or those who are in the "friend zone", maybe you could make the point about honesty and staying despite of rejection a bit more distinct? I believe it is very important and I believe both sides should work on it...
Just a suggestion. :)

Thank you in return for the discussion. I have made the point about honesty already in the follow-up "friend zone" article I shared the link about above. After this conversation, I also plan on writing about the various perspectives surrounding whether men and women can be "just" friends (particularly how that differs by gender).

No matter how you tried to speak 'equally' about this situation on friend zone, the female mind is so sefish and self-centered they can't even hear a word you are saying. What they want to hear is themselves being placed on a pedestal by men and have the men as their footstool. Most women have a tendency to sleep with certain types of men while the other men in their lives, they want them to do everything else for them and with them. They have those 'nice guys' being the 'boyfriend' without the sex and then cry because the guy wants sex as well. they are misusing and abusing those guys by having them do 99% of what a boyfriend is thought to do while their boyfriend/lover/husband is there for the 1% of sex. so, stop using your 'boy' friends as your boyfriends and there wouldn't be a friendzone problem! There I said it... assertive enough?! Manpower!!! Peace.

A friendzone relationship can only exist between two irrational doormats with un-met needs. If you cannot tell the difference between true friendship and friendzone , you deserve to be "disposed of"...If you believe that a friendzone relationship is healthy enough to be sustainable , you deserve to be "disposed of"...If you believe in having a friend who is looking for every opportunity possible to be your lover, then , you deserve to be "disposed of"...

I have been on both sides of this equation and am a female, but I would say that your premise is not always accurate. What I mean is that sometimes people in the friend zone genuinely care about the other person and do not think it's their "right" to end up together with their friend.

When I met my guy friend and current crush we were both in romantic relationships. Somehow my guy friend and I became really close friends really easily, but I never had any thought of cheating on my boyfriend at the time. About half a year after both my guy friend's relationship and my relationship split up (they were at the sameish time but not because we wanted to be together. it just worked out that way) I started to like my guy friend. I didn't want too because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. He was/is one of my very best friends. I never flirted with him, but continually supported him as a friend. After a year of having some of those feelings I was going to tell him just to get it out there. But he started talking about a girl he wanted to ask out. He came to me as one of the only people who knew, and I pushed everything about me aside, and helped him honestly. because if this girl was going to make him happy I wanted him to be with her. He's primarily someone I care about.

It's been about two and a half years since he came to me about asking that girl out (who he did end up dating) and they split up. After some time passed following their split, I told him. I never felt that he had too or should say he felt the same way..that's always his decision (who he wants to date). and he didn't feel that way about me (but we genuinely both love each other as friends). But I'm not going to blow off the whole friendship. He's always primarily been my best friend and his happiness genuinely matters to me. Do I do nice things for him? of course. he's one of my best friends. do i expect that one day he'll change his mind? No. it's far more probable that one day, my feelings for him will likely cease and i'll end up with someone else.

But I genuniely care about him & his happiness more than just about anything.

I have been on both sides of this equation and am a female, but I would say that your premise is not always accurate. What I mean is that sometimes people in the friend zone genuinely care about the other person and do not think it's their "right" to end up together with their friend.

When I met my guy friend and current crush we were both in romantic relationships. Somehow my guy friend and I became really close friends really easily, but I never had any thought of cheating on my boyfriend at the time. About half a year after both my guy friend's relationship and my relationship split up (they were at the sameish time but not because we wanted to be together. it just worked out that way) I started to like my guy friend. I didn't want too because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. He was/is one of my very best friends. I never flirted with him, but continually supported him as a friend. After a year of having some of those feelings I was going to tell him just to get it out there. But he started talking about a girl he wanted to ask out. He came to me as one of the only people who knew, and I pushed everything about me aside, and helped him honestly. because if this girl was going to make him happy I wanted him to be with her. He's primarily someone I care about.

It's been about two and a half years since he came to me about asking that girl out (who he did end up dating) and they split up. After some time passed following their split, I told him. I never felt that he had too or should say he felt the same way..that's always his decision (who he wants to date). and he didn't feel that way about me (but we genuinely both love each other as friends). But I'm not going to blow off the whole friendship. He's always primarily been my best friend and his happiness genuinely matters to me. Do I do nice things for him? of course. he's one of my best friends. do i expect that one day he'll change his mind? No. it's far more probable that one day, my feelings for him will likely cease and i'll end up with someone else.

But I genuniely care about him & his happiness more than just about anything.

I have a situation here. We started out strong and hot. Well an ex-gf re-apprears and starts playing mind games with him. She has a bf but wants her cake and eat it to, using my friend as a backup.
I have developed a strong relationship with his daughter and with him. we have cooled off, no more sex or talk of committment. I have entered the friend zone. He has told me, he was placing me in the friends zone because he has had nothing but failed relationships (he was abused and cheated on) and he cares to much for me to lose me, it would hurt him and his daughter if I was no longer apart of their lifes (I am a positive thing in both their lifes). But I have to sit back and watch him battle with the ex gf, flirt with others and him talking all the time that he doesnt want a girlfriend or a relationship.
Now we hang out all the time, we talk everyday about anything and everything, he pays for everything when we go out, he buys me gifts all the time, he encourages me and supports me in my adventures and I do the same to him, we spend nights with each other all the time, in the same bed but no sex. So it looks like we are dating except for the romance department.
The ex tells him she still cares and loves him but wants her boyfriend. playing mindgames and he still cares about her, but can not break free.
I am sick of the situation, I want out of the friends zone. I care about him and want to show him what a true love relationship is all about.

I like the post and advice here is great but it can also leads to breakup if you give less attention to your partner then they can also leave but i will definitely try these advices and see what will happen

I have noticed that some commentators have said here that they believe the concept of the friendzone is bullshit often concocted my males.

My opinion is that it's not. The reason men (or women) get resentful and complain about being friendzoned is often (not always, but often) because the friendzoner has been deriving some kind of egoistic benefit and enjoyment from being the object of the friend's desires, and the friend knows this and feels cheated.

So if you have lost friends who were interested in you when you "friendzoned" them, please just be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you have used them for an ego boost, or as a substitute boyfriend/girlfriend in between relationships.

If you flirt with a friend, or give them mixed messages in this way over a long period of them, and then turn around and reject them when their feelings for you have become strong, don't be surprised if they walk...