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Should I Text My Ex?

The French call it l'appel du vide—the call of the void: the feeling when you’re at the edge of cliff and you have the urge to text your ex. The saying is actually about jumping off said cliff, but it’s basically the same thing.

When we talk about texting your ex, we’re not talking about the logistics texts you send in the immediate aftermath of a breakup (“I have some of your things, let me know when you’d like to pick them up.”) We’re talking about the texts you send after months or even years of no contact. These texts usually begin with “Hey…” Most of us have given in to the call of the void at some point or another. But if you haven’t talked to your ex in a while—or if things didn’t end on good terms—reaching out can come across as super selfish. It’s all about intentions. Before you text your ex, look deep inside yourself and figure out why you think that’s a good idea. Then proceed based on the following:

You’re lonely and horny:

This one is probably the most straightforward and, in my experience, the most common reason for reaching out. It’s understandably tempting to reach out to someone who has seen your naked body without running away screaming (they might be willing to do it again. Much like eating raw brownie batter or telling your dad’s new wife what you really think about her, texting your ex when you’re lonely is tempting and ill-advised.

There’s a reason you and your ex are no longer dating; in fact, there are probably well over five dozen reasons. You two are not good for each other. Leave your ex alone and go put some effort into making yourself a person that other Not Your Ex people will want to be around. Yes, it’s hard to date new people. It’s hard for everyone (except that one friend we all have for whom it isn’t hard). Your ex who stole $2,500 from you is not the answer.

Don’t do it.

You’re nostalgic:

You saw a professor from college you both hated, one of your friends is pregnant, or you just watched that one episode of The Simpsons where Milhouse says that one line. You may feel that your intentions are pure, but no matter how you try to pull this off, you’ll still seem like you’re laying the groundwork to hook up.

There are very few stories worth breaking a long streak of no contact for to reminisce about. The ski trip from 2009 wasn’t that hilarious. It’s normal to miss people that were in your life, but it’s unlikely that they feel (or want to feel) the same way at the same moment.

Once again, don’t do it.

You’re concerned:

There’s going to come a time when your ex goes through some shit. Maybe their beloved dog passed, or their father is in the hospital, or they are in the path of a wildfire. The impulse to check in is good—it means you have empathy—but if you ended things on bad terms and you haven’t talked in a long while, maybe skip it. It’s not that you're not sorry that their bunny has diabetes. You are. But at this point, your ex hopefully has a support system that is not you. Don’t add to their emotional workload by texting them out of the blue and making them wonder, “Is he really trying to use my uncle’s death to sleep with me?” (See above, re: lonely and horny.)

On the other hand, if you’ve stayed friends, or if you haven’t spoken in a while but you ended on good note, send a normal text that doesn’t include the phrases “I miss you,” “I’ve been thinking about you,” or “Do you want me to come over?” Keep it simple, empathetic, and focused on the issue at hand.

You’re sorry:

You’ve gone to exactly two therapy sessions and now you realize the error of your ways. Or maybe you just grew up a lot on your bike trip to Mallorca. Or maybe the next person you were with was truly awful and you finally get what you put your ex through. This is one time where reaching out is acceptable: everyone appreciates a good apology text (emphasis on “good”—don’t come at me with that “I’m sorry you felt like I was a dick” B.S.) Start with an acknowledgement that they might not want to hear from you and that you don’t expect them to reply—if you secretly do expect a reply, you’re not ready to send your apology text. Don’t expect forgiveness. Don’t expect gratitude. Only do it if you’re saying sorry to actually express that you’re sorry for your wrongdoings.

Do it if your heart is pure.

You want to get back together:

Getting back together with an ex after long periods of no contact is ill-advised 98 percent of the time. The 2 percent is reserved for when you find out years later that your ex really didn’t die in that shipwreck. Or if you’re this guy.

Don’t do it!!!!

Text your ex well-worded apologies and sincere, short messages of condolence—nothing more. And don’t you ever text “hbd” to anyone you slept with. If you can’t put more than three lowercase letters worth of effort into a message, you definitely should not reach out.