Relationship Issues (vent)

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2Princes1Queen wrote:

So my fiancé is going to be a part of his brother’s wedding. His family isn’t very fond of me because we started dating before his divorce got finalized. Everyone is pretty pissed at the thought of me attending the wedding. His sister in law (it’s her wedding) knows that his family has basically rejected me and she was kind enough to personally invite me to the wedding. My fiancé feels like I shouldn’t go because our relationship is still “fresh” to everyone and there’s too much tension. I feel like he should stand up for me and include me instead of continuing to try to hide me to appease everyone else. Am I wrong? It’s really hurtful because I feel like whether now or later I’ll eventually have to come around. Or maybe he just expects me to continue to “play my role” by remaining in the dark. Should I go to the wedding despite how he feels? I’m actually scared that he may not even treat me the same around his family because it’s obvious that he’s more concerned about their feelings than mines. Am I wrong for still wanting to go despite how his family feels about me? I wouldn’t exclude him from events no matter how people feel. In my opinion, if he agrees that I attend it’ll help his family realize that what we have is solid and either they respect it or get lost. The fact that he’d rather me not be there just to please everyone else makes him look weak in my eyes and I question whether his love for me is genuine. Sorry for the long rant. 😔

How long have you been together? Not that it really matters, I’m in the same boat with s/o’s family not being fond of me at all. The beginning of our relationship was really rocky because of it but there was a switch when i started standing up for myself and not allowing to be swept under the rug, he’s started really standing up for me now and honestly they still don’t like me very much but they know it’s not going to be something they can destroy (which makes them angrier). I don’t know if it’s the right choice for your relationship but being a force is what worked for me, I’d go, i wouldn’t make a huge deal about going but I’d go and enjoy myself too.

I made the comment about going anyway and just standing up for myself since he doesn’t want to and he called me immature. I was hurt because I’ve did no harm to anyone. And in my opinion, it’s them who are acting immature by rejecting me without actually getting to know me.

Personally I probably wouldn’t go and I’d be asking myself why he wasn’t standing up for me. I’d be hurt by him not his family. What was his marriage like? How long has it been over? Did they have kids? Did his family like her? Sometimes when a marriage ends the whole family goes through their own emotions. Like for me if my husband and I were to divorce my family would be devastated because they are all so close to him individually. I’m not excusing them, just trying to understand why they feel the way they do...

I think there are a couple things at play here. While the SIL invited you his brother might not be comfortable with it. And if it were your wedding- would you want someone there that would cause tension and potentially taint all of your memories from what should be one of the best days of your life? I invited my sister who I’m not close with to appease family and she caused a major scene and now when we think about our wedding that’s what comes to mind.

You may not go in intending to cause a problem but with the attitude of ‘standing your ground’ at someone else’s wedding that’s exactly what could happen.

Sounds like you two have some deeper issues to sort out, but I wouldn’t make someone else’s wedding the place to force it.

I completely agree with ejas! You should stand your ground with his family but maybe not at a wedding. My wedding had so much drama from both our extended families that we told people if you can’t put your issues aside and focus on celebrating our relationship and our marriage, don’t come. (By our parents, not us.) Many people didn’t go and I am perfectly fine with that. Our families are incredibly petty and I know there would have been several scenes made if they had come.

Just remember that the wedding isn’t about you, it isn’t about your fiancé’s family, or your relationship with them. It is about the commitment that his brother and soon to be SIL are making. If I thought that his family wouldn’t be able to be civil, I wouldn’t go. If you think you would be able to go without having a scene then do. Just please don’t use someone else’s wedding as a backdrop to voice your own issues.

I totally agree here. I would be mad at him, not at the sister or the family. My partner and I also started dating before our respective divorces were finalized. However the previous relationships were completely over. It did take some time at first to tell our families (and I mean only like 3 months), specially because his parents had given him a hard time about getting a divorce even though he was miserable. We gave them a bit of time and then I met them and I think they like me. However with the baby, we were also nervous to tell them, and we each told our parents separately just in case they reacted badly. But, every time he would have my back and tell me he would stand up for me and if anyone said anything negative. That if for some reason they didn't like me, it was their problem and all he cared about was me. So, I am only making the comparison not to make you feel bad but to maybe have a conversation with your bf about why he is not doing this. You are having a baby together, it's not like a "fling" and he should stand up for you. He should talk to his parents and tell them he chose you and they need to respect it. doesn't mean they need to love you but at least be normal and civil

I have discussed the issues with the SIL and she is still kind and assured me that I’m still welcomed to come. She knew about the tension before she even invited me. It’s practically why she invited me. Because she doesn’t approve of their actions. She seems to be the only one on my side.

if I don’t go then I feel like he shouldn’t go either. His brother has experienced the same rejection because of a relationship in the past so he has understanding. The family is very controlling. Ultimately, I don’t want to stand up for myself. I’d rather my man do it for me. Whether that’s agreeing that I attend it with him or not going if I’m not going. I feel like our happiness and my feelings should be most important.

I’m not mad at anyone else. I’m not even mad at him. Just hurt because of his actions to please everyone else even though I’ve discussed with him about how all of this makes me feel. I’m not sure if he’s even going to admit that I’m pregnant to anyone. We didn’t even announce our engagement. He really allows other people’s opinions to dictate his actions.

I would really see this as a bad sign. Sure, you got involved while he was not divorced but this was a decision made by TWO people. it is also his responsibility and he needs to stand by it. I remember having some convos with my bf about this too, saying I felt hidden sometimes. He reassured me it was not the case and took action to make it obvious (like telling friends and family about me in the beginning). People could also see how happy he was and now they have changed their tune. You don't deserve to be hidden , this is bullshit and you should call him out on it

Personally this would be an ultimatum thing for me. Either we go together, or you don’t go at all. You are his pregnant fiancé, if he can’t include you then these are huge red flags! I hope it works out in your favor 💜

Honestly, I would look at the situation and try to figure out what will make life easier for you and your baby. They are obviously upset (even though it’s unjust), and your attendance would cause issues. If you decide to go, it will give them a reason to dislike you (unjust). It may also result in a scene (even if that’s not what you want). You have years and years ahead of you with this family. I think that going to the wedding will only increase the divide between you and his family. I know you’re angry right now, but believe me when I say it’s best to keep in-law fighting to a minimum... for YOUR sake. I think that the same bad outcome would happen if you forbid your BF from attending.

Like PP said, I think you DO need to stand up for yourself, and your BF needs to be on the same page. But I really don’t think that it should be at this wedding (someone else’s big event- and a big event for their parents and friends).

I would tell my BF that you want a meeting with his parents/other members of the family at a different time. You can even do it before the wedding to see if it would help. You deserve the opportunity to meet with them and begin to build a relationship with your baby’s grandparents.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago and I regret I went. It was his Best friend's wedding and he was going to be the best man, but I never like this guy and it seems the feeling is mutual. The difference is that my husband did wanted me to go. When we got there he had a seat on the first row and the organizer sat me at his side, when the bride's family arrived they literally kicked me out, and it was super late so I was left out of the tent sitting on a plastic chair in the grass. Then for the reception they had this entrance planned in which the best man had to enter with the maid of honor and I wasn't sent to the table before the "big entrance" so the organizer asked me to stay outside (alone) for 15 minutes while he figured out how to get me to the table discretely. Then, they spent a good hour taking pictures and I was completelly alone at the table. Not once my husband stood up for me, it was humilliating. After we left we had a horrible fight because of it. It is not worth to give people the chance to step over you.