All posts tagged ‘sex’

My daughter is six. She hasn’t watched a fraction of the football I had by her age. I was raised in an era where Neil Lomax and Steve Largent were my secret crushes. The game has changed (and sex sells more than ever) but it is still apparently a learning experience for my daughter — even if I don’t want her exposed to some of the issues she is asking about.

1. The Jeep: USO commercial: Now that she’s reading, she reads everything. She wanted to know what USO stands for at the end of the Jeep:USO commercial. We found out it stands for United Service Organizations. As an added bonus we were able to find a video of Patty Andrews, who recently passed away, and was a member of the Andrews Sisters World War II USO entertainment group.

When planning our geeky-queer wedding, Andrew and I had to make up a lot of things along the way, while balancing some of the traditional aspects that we find appealing. Sometimes, creating a new guide for our circumstances has been a little difficult. Other times, it was as easy as figuring out what aspects we really do not like in traditional weddings, and simply eliminating them; sometimes replacing them with our own special touches. The reception is another one of those situations where the end result is due to a process of elimination and supplementation, balanced with a couple traditional elements.

Andrew and I are two extremely introverted individuals. As a result, there are many things in a traditional wedding reception that cause us to become extremely uncomfortable. Also, we are two individuals who don’t appreciate a lot of the social conventions found within traditional wedding receptions. Then, add that I’m a trans man and Andrew could be described as a pansexual yet cis male, for some, that in and of itself is enough reason to throw all tradition out the window, and build something unique.

Marriage is a time of celebrating the love and commitment of two individuals; a promise made in front of friends and family to spend a lifetime together. For some, it is also a matter of religion. If you strip all the window dressing away, at its very base, marriage is a civil legal contract between two individuals.

Because, in both Canada and the USA, marriage is, at its roots, a legal contract, I’ve come across a lot of people who just assume that the hows involved in marriage would be similar. The reality is that the legal and religious systems regarding marriage are vastly different between Canada and the United States, in some very important ways.

In this latest geeky-queer wedding post, we will explore the ceremony, including vows and legalities; the type of ceremony we will be having; and the process of going through a legal name change, and the reasons behind that need.

In Canada, it really doesn’t matter in what province, or territory, two individuals are wanting to marry, the laws are pretty much identical. This could probably be attributed to the fact that, in Canada, marriage is defined on a federal level.

In the United States, marriage is defined by the state. Because of this, and the fact there are 50 states, it is very difficult to use generalizations when talking about exactly what is required to make a marriage legal, and who is legally allowed to perform a marriage ceremony. I believe one of the few exceptions to this rule is when it comes to the rights of religious officials and their capacity to perform wedding ceremonies. It is also in the area of religion that there is a major difference between Canada and the United States.

In an attempt to keep things simple, with the exception of talking about the legal definition of marriage, I will talk about the regulations in British Columbia — where we are getting married — with a few broad generalizations about Canada, compared to the regulations in Virginia — the state in which Andrew grew up. Despite attempting the keep things simple, it will still require a bit of time to explain them.

When you are planning a wedding, tradition and etiquette will tell you there are many things you must do. You must select a wedding party. Traditionally, there are also rules about whom you should choose. Traditionally, the parents of the individuals getting married must assume certain responsibilities. The guests are also seen to have specific roles within the whole affair. But, what if both parties have already been once married and divorced? What if one of those individuals is a trans man? What if the people getting married have different cultural backgrounds? What if a geeky element is being added? These questions are only a small fraction of things Andrew and I had to sort out as we began to plan our geeky-queer wedding.

The short answer to how Andrew and I sorted these issues was the result of knowing what we didn’t want to have happen when we get married. As I said in a previous post, neither one of us thought we’d ever remarry. Because of this, there wasn’t much in the way of things we wanted to do, as we’ve never spent time mentally preparing for any sort of wedding. But, we definitely knew what we didn’t want to do; either because we didn’t enjoy it the first time we respectively got married, or because of some other personal reason.

Some of the things that fall into the, “We really do not want to go through this hassle,” category include the wedding party, family involvement, and the guest involvement.

Here are three titles recommended to me by others, and they are all VERY graphic in both sex and/or violence. So we’re clear, I didn’t just pick them up, OK? I used to think I was a strange woman that liked her paranormal, adventure stories with a healthy dose of skin, but obviously I’m not alone. I also must have women characters that aren’t morons or slaves. But that, I know, is still strange.

The Last Werewolf by Glen Duncan is a bit too colorful in both the sex and violence, but hey, the main character is a werewolf — the last werewolf to survive the methodical killing by secret government forces of all supernatural creatures, and a mysterious virus. Jake Marlowe (heh, a werewolf named Jacob…) wishes he cared. He is full of the melodramatic but ripely amusing ennui that only a 200-year-old monster could have. Without giving my teen daughter any context, I would read aloud some quotes like: “To repeat: Total self-disgust is a kind of peace — because further ignominy can add nothing to it. Standing there washing myself in front of her I made an intellectual concession to the debasement, but it was only moments before I was enjoying the soft soap and perfectly adjusted heat of the water. Put the right music behind this, I thought, and I could be advertising shower gel. I dried off with a white towel that might have been manufactured in heaven. The flesh can’t help it. The flesh merely reports. When I’d finished I was tired and roseate and curiously pleased with the ongoing failure of myself.”

I strongly urge you to find the 30 minutes to watch the above speech. It is candid, humorous, and quite emotional. Warning, Lana does drop the “b” word, but only once. She talks about why she dropped out of the public for so long, her personal struggles with depression and her suicide plan, her transition, and so much more.

Coming out to your family and friends is never easy, even if you have a supportive tribe. Coming out publicly is even more difficult. It has been just over one year since I came out to the public as a trans man. Even though the public has been mostly supportive of my identity, there are still those who cast judgments and say things that can hurt to the very core of my being. Lana talks about some of these things that people do — either because they are uncomfortable or perhaps they are purposely trying to be ignorant — such as refusing to use her name.

The most difficult decision Andrew and I faced when planning our wedding was answering the question, “What are we going to wear?” After months of discussions, many of which were filled with me asking, “Why don’t we just elope?”, we finally came to a decision.

It is our hope that this decision will not only make us comfortable, and fill our day with an added element of fun, but will also be fun, and comfortable, for our guests. The journey reaching this decision needs to be told, before I can share this decision.

The journey was an extremely stressful and emotional one. It was also a frustrating one. As I wrote in my introduction to this series, one of the frustrations came as a result of friends asking, “So… have you started to look at dresses?”

There have been a number of people who honestly do not understand why I would find that question so frustrating. I expect strangers to ask that question. To them, I look like any other female, even if I am not overtly feminine. They have no idea that I’m a trans man. However, my friends are fully aware of this fact. So, in my mind, for them to ask me this question would be like if they asked that question of two gay men who are planning to get married, or if they were to ask an expectant cisgender groom if he had started to look for his wedding dress. Just like — right or wrong — I expect them to ask, “Who proposed to whom?”, I expect my friends to ask, “Have you started to think about what you are going to wear?”

The stress and emotion came from a completely different source. I honestly do not understand how people enjoy this aspect of planning a wedding.

For our first weddings, the ceremony part of it wasn’t really what we wanted. Had we had more say, our wedding ceremonies would have been different. It is because of our dissatisfaction with our first ceremonies, that we spent a lot of time discussing the pros and cons of having a ceremony, instead of just eloping — which, originally, was what I wanted to do — during the negotiation process of that phase in our relationship. At one point, discussing the attire put me in tears, causing me to plea, once more, in favor of eloping. When I wasn’t stating that we should elope, I was suggesting, in all seriousness, that we should have a Betazoid wedding, completely getting rid of any need to decide on something to wear. Yes, a Betazoid wedding would probably cull the wedding guests but, in my mind, that would have solved all sorts of problems.

Why was this part of the discussions so stressful and emotional for me?

It was a late Friday night/ early Saturday morning. My — then — pal Andrew was having a bad evening, which was turning into a bad early Saturday morning. He was complaining about it on Twitter. Then he said, “Screw this! Jules, tell me which episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation to watch!” I replied with, “OOO! Watch The Measure of a Man! But, hold on! I’ll watch it with you!” And that was the first step in the progression of our relationship going from close pals, to friends, to preparing to get married.

For the next few nights, after we were both done our work for the day, and much to the possible annoyance of our mutual followers, we would together watch and discuss Star Trek: The Next Generation, via Twitter. Soon, we realized this was probably annoying to our mutual followers, and decided to move the nightly viewing and discussions to Skype.

It was during these discussions that we quickly got to really know each other. It lead to in-depth discussions — some lasting close to 14 hours — about politics, religion, ethics, morality, humanity, human rights, and so much more. We would often comment to each other about just how fascinating we found it that we didn’t find out conversations to be mentally taxing. Both of us are extremely introverted. Normally, we have more than enough socializing after 30 minutes with someone. At the 30 minute mark is when we become so over it. But here we were, up until a ridiculous time in the morning, discussing all possible subjects, never becoming mentally tired and emotionally drained.

Watching Star Trek: The Next Generation also helped him to better understand how I function, as I’m a Spock/ Data/ Doctor Spencer Reid/ Doctor Sheldon Cooper hybrid. Some of his greatest understand about who I am comes from seeing how Data interacts with humans. But even more importantly, it led to many discussions about me being a trans man; something of which he was already well aware. However, watching the episodes The Host and The Outcast made it safe for him to really ask me questions about it, without his welcomed curiosity seeming to come out of nowhere.

Deciding to get married is a big step. There are many things both individuals need to consider and discuss before agreeing to enter a marriage contract. Add extra “complications” such as children from previous relationships, lupus, and one individual being a gay trans man, there are many extra things that must be discussed long before any agreement can be reached.

In my introduction to this series, I wrote that I found it fascinating when friends have asked, “So… how did he propose?” I can understand strangers asking this question, but only to a degree. I live in a society where more and more women are asking the man for his hand in marriage. However, the norm still seems to be the male asking the female. As I present as female, I don’t think too much of this question when strangers ask, even though I would have asked, “Who proposed to whom, and how?” I have a very different expectation from my friends, as they know I am a trans man. Right or wrong, I expect them to not assume it was my partner who did the proposing.

So, who did the proposing and how? The answer is no-one. In fact, had he proposed, automatically my answer would have been, “No.” You now may be wondering, “Wait, so how are you engaged?” You may also be curious as to why I would have said no, had he asked. The answer to these questions, and more, is very long and complicated.

The answer to the first question is our engagement was the result of many long discussions and negotiations.

The very first of these discussions and negotiations happened when I came to the realization that I cared deeply for Andrew, and I strongly suspected the feeling was mutual. At this point in our relationship, we were what I label “close pals.” Before I could consider him a friend and should we both agree to the terms of the new relationship label, I had to discuss with him what friendship meant to me, and what are our mutual responsibilities. Yes, I have relationship contracts. Yes, I make people sign them. In some situations, the contract comes into effect after many short conversations about expectations and responsibilities, or one long conversation. With Andrew, the friendship agreement was entered into after a very long conversation. The conversation was every bit as awkward as when Sheldon asked Amy to be his girlfriend, followed by the discussion on roles and responsibilities, before he was allowed to give me an answer.

Next year, on July 6, 2013, I am getting married. This will be the second time for the both of us. Having done this before, one would think we’d know what to expect, and for what to plan. However, this is not the case. Both my partner and I have been learning a number of things as we begin this next chapter in the journey that is our lives, and have begun planning our geeky-queer wedding.

As I am transgender, there are a number of “traditional” wedding elements that need adjusting if I am going to be comfortable on the day we celebrate our love with close friends and family. Then, when you add the extra layer of wanting to include some geeky elements into the ceremony and reception, while balancing that with the want to keep some “traditional” elements, things become even more complicated, requiring extra thought and planning.

To add to this, I’m Canadian and my partner is American. Being Canadian, I had a number of assumptions about how weddings work, both from a legal standpoint and social convention standpoint. Being American, my partner had his own set of assumptions. Going through this process, we have both learned a number of intriguing differences between our two cultures and the legalities of marriage; things we both assumed were the same across the border as, despite the differences between our two countries, there are also a number of similarities. A basic example of this are the wedding vows, and what must be said during the ceremony for it to be legal, and the options available for same-sex marriages, which can also be applied to our situation. We will be getting married in Canada, and, once we are married, residing in Canada, so it is important that he understands the legalities from a Canadian perspective. It is also important we make sure that any cultural expectations we both may have are met.

During this process, there have been a number of other things I’ve found fascinating. One of these things is when friends have asked, “So… how did he propose?” or, “Have you started to look at dresses?” I can understand strangers asking me those questions as, to a stranger, I present as female. It is fascinating when people who know I’m transgender ask those questions, forgetting that social norms do not apply in my relationship with Andrew. The other thing I’ve found fascinating is when I discuss the fact I have to legally change my name before we get married, many people have made the assumption that I’m talking about my last name.

In light of Mary Tamm’s death this week, I am drawn to revisit an issue that has long plagued me, and discuss her legacy as a female Time Lord, or Time Lady if you prefer. Matt Smith’s second outing as the Doctor kept to the promises of his first season, by going back to the roots of the character far more than Eccleston and Tennant ever did. Eccleston was the Doctor fresh from the time war, while Tennant was the Doctor finding his “humanity” again. Matt Smith was able to be the Doctor of old, a bit more wacky, a bit more unpredictable, far less brooding. It was an excellent season, with a finale that promises weird and unusual things for season seven.

There was one line however. One line, in a fantastic episode, “The Doctor’s Wife,” that made me reach for the pause button and begin yelling at my husband. One line that flew in the face of tradition, and consistency of story. When he receives a distress signal from a fellow Time Lord, the Doctor waxes poetic about the life of the Corsair. He refers to a tattoo that the Corsair added to his body upon each regeneration. At this point he refers to the Corsair having been a woman on occasion, “herself a couple of times, oh she was a bad girl.” Continue Reading “Why Doctor Who Can Cross Time and Space But Can Never Be a Woman” »

When I was living in England and attending the equivalent of high school, we had a unified science curriculum. There were five periods a week, and each day we either had chemistry, biology or physics, but at the end of the year we were graded for “science.” Each semester the science department would alternate which programs got two classes a week, and which got only one. I especially enjoyed semesters with only one period of physics a week.

But when I was 14, my school proposed and implemented a program whereby the highest scoring students would be able to take an extra class each week in science. They would then have six periods a week and be able to receive separate grades for chemistry, biology and physics, as opposed to one generic grade for “science.” As it happens, in the first year it was carried out the expanded program consisted of all boys, except for two or three girls. That’s two or three out of a class of thirty students. I was quite happy to narrowly avoid taking that program. I did not wish to be so greatly outnumbered by these creatures that confused me, occasionally mocked me and mostly just made me nervous. I liked being equal.

But then again, would I have minded being in a single sex classroom had it been all girls? Girls can be mean, girls can be cruel, but I think I would have said yes to an all-girl classroom. Not because I felt we were better than the boys, or that the boys were better than us. Not even because I thought we learned in different ways. I would have said yes to the more comfortable, easy-going environment. Removing the social aspects of who’s dating who, who made out with who last week and a good chunk of the melodrama of teen life. Certainly girls still talk about these things when alone, but it does make for a different type of conversation. I never worried about looking too smart in front of the boys; I did worry about getting an answer wrong in front of the extremely clever lad I had my eye on. Remove that and I could have had a different learning experience.

For the past three years, a school in Sanford, Maine has been offering single sex classrooms at the sixth grade level. This year they extended it to the fifth grade. It is a completely voluntary program using the same curriculum in each class. In a recent article in the Portland Press Herald, several parents and students were described as enthusiastic about the program, and the positive learning environment it provided for their children. The district is now being challenged by the American Civil Liberties Union of Maine, which argues that the program uses stereotypes that violate federal law. They are arguing that the district’s justification for such a program is not strong enough to reach beyond mere stereotypes. The superintendent worries that the ACLU will not allow the district to address the needs of its children.

I’m no ‘girly-girl,’ and I never was. Even when I was young enough to be indoctrinated into the cult of gender segregation, I blew off the idea that girls and boys were too different to play well together and I have never regretted scoffing at that nonsense.

Sure, I had Barbies, but I played with them like any other action figures. My paper dolls were all astronauts, and the shoebox they lived in was as myriad and TARDIS-like on the inside as the imagination inside any child’s head. I was faster and tougher than any boy on the playground, and if that sometimes made me unpopular with peers of all genders, well… Who needs friends when you’ve got Legos?

However, since the newest line of girly-girl Legos was released, the question I’ve been asking is, “With Lego Friends like these, who needs enemies?” Don’t get me wrong, as an artist, I approve any time Lego expands their palette. Even when new colors come straight out of a Martha Stewart catalog. Too, as a lifetime Lego fan, I feel that life is just better with more bricks in it. But those ‘Ladyfigs’ have got to go.

What were they thinking?! Lego could have saved a lot of time, money, and headache. All they really needed to successfully target the female market was to advertise their product to boys and girls at the same time. The way that Legos were originally marketed. And if minifigs must be gendered (who needs gender when everyone has corners?), Lego could help us help their bottom line by designing minifigs that defy gender stereotypes. I’m as sick of super-macho mini-men as I am of those obnoxious floor-length, non-articulating block-skirts Lego gives their little women instead of legs.

I’m not the first to say any of this – I’m not even the first Geek Momto bring it up – and my rant may not be the most eloquent. For that, I direct you to Feminist Frequency, where Anita Sarkeesian provides a clear and complete picture of the gendering of Lego and offers some solutions to Lego’s… bricky issues.

When my sister and I were little, my sister would tell our peers that I was born with both male and female sex organs. She would tell people that our mum had to make a choice: Was she going to raise a daughter or was she going to raise a son? She would tell our peers that our mum made the wrong choice and had the doctors turn me into a girl. For as long as I can remember, I use to pray that this fairytale, created in the brain of my sister when she was younger than five, was the truth because I felt I was in the wrong body. However, it was just a story created by a child’s brain in an attempt to understand why I was so different than the rest of the girls, a story I wanted to believe. My mum, well she thought I was gay because all of my friends were male and I was not interested in girl things, no matter how hard she tried to force them on me.

Hi, my name is Jules. Sex: Female. Gender: Androgynous-Male.

Actually, my legal name is Julia, but I cringe anytime anyone calls me that. It is far too feminine and does not fit me. As a really small child, I was referred to as “my precious jewel.” As I became older, every one naturally started to called me Jules and I liked it. Before the name Jules became my familiar name, I wanted to change my name to my middle name, Christine, so that people would call me Chris. I just could not stomach being called by a feminine name. I needed something that was either gender neutral, or masculine, because that is what fit and felt right. It wasn’t until I became an adult and started to study Psychology that I began to really understand why. My gender identity does not match my biological sex.

The subject of sex and gender is what I would call one of my trigger topics. Any time someone uses the words sex and gender as if they are interchangeable, my brain goes into a blind rage. Out of all the issues today, I think that gender identity issues are the least talked about and most misunderstand. I do not think it helps that we are living in a society with ever changing gender expectations. While it is wonderful that women are no longer expected to be housewives and men are allowed to have and express feelings, at least that is one of the aims of the gender equality movements, it puts people like me in a very difficult, and often times lonely and isolated, position.

“Sex“ refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women.

“Gender“ refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women.

To put it another way:

“Male” and “female” are sex categories, while “masculine” and “feminine” are gender categories.

Aspects of sex will not vary substantially between different human societies, while aspects of gender may vary greatly.
Some examples of sex characteristics:

Women menstruate while men do not

Men have testicles while women do not

Women have developed breasts that are usually capable of lactating, while men have not

Men generally have more massive bones than women

Some examples of gender characteristics :

In the United States (and most other countries), women earn significantly less money than men for similar work

In Viet Nam, many more men than women smoke, as female smoking has not traditionally been considered appropriate

In Saudi Arabia men are allowed to drive cars while women are not

In most of the world, women do more housework than men

So what happens when someone’s gender identity does not match with their biological sex? A lot of inner turmoil for one. There are feelings of inadequacy. There are feelings of being less of a person. There are feelings of being an abhorrent monster and a freak. And if you have any other issues that make you different than your peers, it can make growing up extremely rough, even if you’re someone like me who has never cared to fit in. Regardless of not caring if I fit in, I still yearned to have some place where I belonged, a place where it made sense that I was the person that I am. Not having that place, along with a far from ideal childhood, nearly killed me.

This simply cannot be the reality of gender identity issues. Even though my gender identity causes me psychological distress and I feel like I am trapped in the wrong body, because I have neutral feelings about my genitals, I did not fit the criteria. Then there was a proposed change to the diagnostic criteria and more people, like me, fall into the clinical criteria necessary to be recognised as having some sort of gender identity issue. (DSM-IV criteria . DSM V criteria.)

I’m not sure I could ever really explain what it is means to be a trans individual without writing a novel. It took years of study for me to even begin to grasp it, despite it being my reality. The Psychological community is still trying to grasp it. The only way I can even begin to explain it is that I’m just in the wrong body. I do not fit.

When I’m surrounded by other women, I feel like a fraud and an alien. I really do not get women. I do not understand their needs and desires. I do not understand how they communicate. I simply do not get them and I often find myself wanting to yell, “Why do you think I should get it?! I’M NOT A MIND READER!” I just feel that I don’t belong and that I am in the completely wrong place.

I get men. I understand the needs and desires of men. I really understand why men communicate the way they do. Men are not alien and foreign creatures to me. I belong with men. Because I am a man, even if, from time to time, an effeminate one. My sons have always just naturally said, without any sort of prompting or discussion, “My mum is a gay man trapped in a female’s body.” I find it fascinating how my boys just instinctively know I am different, just as, from the time we were wee children, my sister and I always knew.

Being me is difficult. I feel it is more difficult to be a trans male than it is to be a trans female. I could be very wrong. But this is what my personal experiences tell me. The reason why I feel this way is because if a male identifies as feminine, women are more accepting of it. Sure, that individual may have a harder time with men, but women seem to want to welcome them as one of their own.

I, however, get flack from both men and women. I’ve always been the token female in a group of men. Men treat me like one of their own. However, and this happens at least once a week, somewhere in the discussion, I am told, “You would not understand. It is a guy thing” and it is all I can do to not burst into tears, as I go from feeling visible and validated to invisible and dehumanised.

Women tell me that I’m a misogynist and am giving into some patriarchal thinking. Or I am questioned to death about how I have no desire for at least one female best friend, because even the most butch of girls, the most tom boy of tom boys, has the need for at least one female bff. And when I try to explain that I need my one closest friend to be a male, again I am told, in some form, that I am a traitor to women.

Normally, I can go through my day to day just being a person. I do not let my gender identity issues control me to the same extent that they once did. Then, without fail, I’ll see something like the Dr Pepper 10 commercial, and I’ll see how it isn’t only sexist to women but to men, express my gender equality point of view and be called a misogynist. Or a male will tell me it is a guy thing. Or I’ll read something about geek girls and am punched in the gut with the reminder that I am not a girl. Or I’ll hear women talking about men and complaining about the things women complain about, offer the other side of the coin because I get it from the male’s perspective and I’ll be, once again, called a misogynist, when my goal is to try and help all parties find mutual understanding. Or there will be some female only thing happening and I have to run for the hills, not being able to say why I just can’t join that activity, only to feel, yet again, like a fraud, wishing that I did in fact have a penis, so that both men and women would stop having certain expectations of me. Even in the trans community, I’ve been told I don’t belong because if I was truly trans, I’d be attracted to women.

I’m okay with being androgynous-masculine until intimate relationships occur. Sexual partners are okay with talking to me like one of the boys until they want things to be intimate and romantic. Then they will begin to communicate with me as if I’m feminine and I get turned off. That is when I have to have the talk. That is when they get weird because some of them thought it makes them gay to be attracted to me. My gender identity was such an issue for one partner that they could no longer perform oral sex because they couldn’t help but to imagine my clitoris was a penis. That is when, once again, I wish I had a penis because it would make things so much easier for every one involved.

But there are issues with having a penis as well. I like men. I mean, I really like men. That is where my sexual attraction is. I want to be attractive to men. I’m able to play the role of a softer female because I’m a bloody good actor. I don’t care if they are gay, straight or bisexual. However, my chances of attracting a gay man are extremely unlikely because my body is female. But because I’m still attractive to straight and bisexual men, I am okay with having a vagina. Never mind the fact I like the sexual pleasure given to me as a result of having a vagina.

Also, if a man was to leave me for another man, I would be devastated. I would feel that I was inadequate. I’ve had men leave me for other women, and I never felt inadequate as a result. This is not the result of some form of patriarchal brainwashing or misogyny, self or otherwise. This is a simple result of the person that I am and have been since birth, trapped inside a female body. I did not wake up one day and say, “Today, I think I’m going to be a man”, no more than people who are gay wake up and say, “Today, I’m going to be sexually attracted to my sex.” It is just something that is.

As I said, there is a lot of ignorance on this subject. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different animals. And the first time I ever thought someone else actually understood that was when Chaz Bono was on Ellen. As a general rule, anytime I bring up my gender identity, regardless if it is with men or women, suddenly I am treated differently. People stop treating me as the person they once saw me as and get weird around me. For the first time, I felt like a valid human being.

Normally, I am happy to live in the closet and not discuss my gender identity. Normally, I am more than okay with having a vagina, because quite frankly, I am afforded certain privileges as a result. Also, my sexual orientation is such that it makes sense to remain biologically female. Then weeks filled with Dr Pepper 10, GeekGirlCon discussions and geek girl debates happen, and I want to completely disappear.

Unintentionally, and sometimes even intentionally, I am given messages that I am an abhorrent creature. I am given messages that if I do not identify with certain female characters or even care that they are in media, I am doing women a huge disservice. Even behind closed doors here at GeekMom, where they have been extremely supportive when I discuss my gender identity, things are said or done and I want to quit writing for GeekMom because I suddenly feel like a fraud and that I do not belong. I want to make it clear that it is nothing the GeekMoms are intentionally doing but is only as a result of my gender identity issues.

I don’t want to be treated as a male or female. I just wanted to be treated as a person. Then feminist issues come up and I feel as if I have to bite my tongue, because when I do speak up, there is always some backlash and I become afraid. In my experiences, and it is just that, my experiences, the hardest backlash comes from women. I am called names when all I want to achieve is some form of mutual understanding. In my experiences, men have always been more willing to listen. Perhaps that is a result of differences in male-female communication. I don’t know why it happens, I just know what my experiences are.

So why have I decided to come out of the closet now? Because some of you may have a child who is struggling with their gender identity and as a parent, you need to be aware of these issues. Because some of the readers may be struggling with their gender identity. Because, at some point in this last week, one person may have been made to feel completely invalid as a person and, as a result, they may have wished that they were snuffed from existence. Because people need to know that it does get better. Because the discussion needs to begin. People need to recognise that there is something more than being a tom boy. People need to recognise and accept that if one is trans, they are not embracing any gender stereotypes. They are just being the people that they are. This discussion needs to happen before we raise another generation filled with people who are afraid to be the people they were born to be.

While having this discussion, it may be a good idea to keep in mind that every one has unique and valid experiences. Maybe, before assuming that someone is being sexist or misogynistic or thinking they are giving into some patriarchal thinking, you may want to ask them, “Why do you think and feel that way? What are your experiences that have led you to this point of view?” Hopefully, by approaching it in such a fashion, we can finally begin to have a real dialogue and begin to understand those who do not fit in the norm. It is difficult to understand things that are considered outside of the norm. It is very difficult to understand issues of gender identity, especially if you live in a culture that is trying to break down gender barriers. However, we need to begin somewhere. So let’s start here.

Out of all the social issues of today, I personally feel issues of sex and gender to be the most misunderstood and least talked about. If you want to cause me to start a rant or spew out a lot of words, then use the terms “sex” and “gender” as if they are interchangeable. Among regular people, I try to not let it anger me. But when the media does it, a body who’s job is to inform, it really bothers me and hurts me to the core. The reason for this is because transgender issues are an extremely personal issue to me. One day, I will write about this and share my own personal story. However, I’m not ready to take that leap yet.

It is because I’m not ready to take that leap yet that I am so very thankful and grateful to Chaz Bono for having the courage to speak-out about gender issues and what it was like to be a man trapped in a female body. I also think he did an amazing job explaining something I’ve yet to find proper words for and that is what it means to have the gender of your brain not match up with the sex of your anatomy. I am also very thankful to Ellen DeGeneres for having Chaz on her show on September 14, 2011, in an effort to shine a light on such a misunderstood topic.

Below is a small part of her opening monologue. It caused me to cheer.

Also, if you are a trans individual or are the parent of a trans individual, please watch it and share it with your children. Knowing that one is not alone in these struggles can literally mean the difference between life and death. It can also mean the difference between being able to cope with being different and developing an unhealthy lifestyle as a result.

According to my dictionary, advertising can be defined as “the act or practice of calling public attention to one’s product, service, need, etc.” and if that is the case, then a new series of ads supposedly promoting the dual climate control features in cars made by Kia Motors are doing an outstanding job. Since the ads came to light on the internet, Kia has denied knowledge of the campaign and stated that they “have no business relationship” with the Brazilian agency that created the ads. The adverts have been the source of a public outcry over their sexually charged nature, with many even asking if they promote pedophilia. Intriguingly, the series has won a silver award at the Cannes Lions Festival, so clearly not everyone is in agreement that these ads are entirely deplorable.

In the interest of keeping this blog entirely family friendly, I won’t be posting full versions of either advert but they are out there for anyone who knows where to look. The one that is getting the most attention, and so the one I plan to discuss here (the other features a Sleeping Beauty being awoken by her prince and requires a whole separate post) features a male school teacher with a female pupil, dressed in a classic school uniform of a white shirt and plaid skirt. The page is split down the center with three panels on each side. The left is drawn in a cutesy style, the type of illustration I would expect to find in an old-fashioned learn-to-read book, whilst the right is more the style of comic illustration from a graphic novel aimed at adults. In the left-hand panels, an innocent exchange between an elementary school child and her teacher is taking place; in those on the right, the dialogue is given an entirely different, sexually suggestive overtone. Let me be very clear here: there is no obscene language or graphics on show. Both people are covered up enough that they could walk onto any public street and not be picked up for indecent exposure. However, whether the schoolgirl’s clothing is too revealing would be down to the viewer’s personal beliefs.

A section of the controversial Kia advert

Approaching this advert from my own personal perspective, that of someone who maintains an art blog, I think this advert is very clever indeed. Taking the same situation, a teacher and pupil alone in a room together and showing two staggeringly different interpretations of it whist keeping a continuous dialogue is a unique and interesting idea. The way the two styles of illustration perfectly compliment their panels shows that the illustrators have really thought about presenting the dichotomy of the two storylines, both through dialogue and illustration.

But — and there is a really big “but” here — using these as car adverts for a large manufacturer, or indeed any business promoting themselves as being family-friendly, is surely stepping close to commercial suicide, if that were ever the intention. I can’t imagine many people would, on seeing these, immediately think, “I think I’ll go and test drive a Kia today.” They may get people talking, but I doubt they will be discussing your product. The aim here is almost certainly to shock and titillate the viewer, possibly even to get the advert banned in order to generate interest. Such advertising is likely to lose a brand customers, rather than gain them.

These adverts are, in my mind, simply not appropriate to be used as mainstream advertising. They hit a very sensitive nerve, especially in the modern climate – one where I wonder if Britney Spears’s debut music video would even be allowed to air if it were released today. Let’s be honest, back in 1998 we were all watching her dancing about in a school hallway with her hair in pigtails, a shirt tied up around her chest showing off her bra and in a mini skirt whilst singing “HIT me baby one more time,” and this was promoted as mainstream tween pop. The “sexy schoolgirl” motif is hardly anything new, even in the mainstream media, but to use it in such an overt (and legally dubious) way seems like a very strange step to take in these times.

If it is true that the adverts are “fake” and were never commissioned by Kia, I imagine they must surely have a negative effect on the agencies that created them, too. Are there companies who have contracts in place with this agency that are now considering whether to keep them intact?

One of the larger criticisms that is being thrown at this advert is that it promotes pedophilia. Personally, I find this rather unbelievable, regardless of how you look at the advert. I believe it is made expressly clear in the ad that the two girls are not the same. Everything about the illustrations, right down to the obvious tear down the middle shows that this is two different scenarios being played out, not that the little girl in the left is being sexually objectified in the right. That brings us to the girl on the right and into an admittedly moral gray area, the main question therein being: How old is she? If we assume for the minute that she is indeed a schoolgirl and the man is indeed her teacher (as opposed to this being two adults in a fantasy role-playing game), then the way in which we view the ad is likely determined by own upbringing.

I live in England where the legal age of sexual consent is 16. The age at which you attend school here can be up to the age of 18. So theoretically, if we were to assume that she were indeed that old, then this could be an entirely legal scenario – if not the most wholesome one, and also one very likely to cost him his job. If I were to live in a country where the age of consent were later than, or much closer to, the school-leaving age then I imagine I would be viewing this in a rather different light.

That being said, there is one issue that I have yet to see addressed, and that is that the girl is clearly instigating the sexual nature of the conversation, not the teacher. This is obviously an entirely consensual scenario, not one where the girl is a victim, although it is still illegal regardless of consent – at least in some US states — and so a dangerous situation to be presenting regardless. I find myself wondering if this advert would be attracting the same kind of negative attention if the genders were reversed. Would there be nearly as much of an uproar right now if a male pupil, in more conservative dress, were making the suggestions to his female teacher? In an interesting comparison, the trailer and official promo videos for summer movie “Bad Teacher” is filled with men, including some young pupils, clearly lusting after an inappropriately dressed Cameron Diaz, yet this seems to have been accepted quite happily by most people. Of course Diaz is well over the legal age of consent. However, I still find it interesting that it seems to be completely acceptable to show a young teenage boy staring open-mouthed at a scantily-clad woman — his teacher no less — writhing around in soapy water, when the slightest hint of a young girl looking at older men is immediately condemned.

How you view adverts like this then, is almost certainly down to your own personal experiences and the culture in which you were raised. Do I find the adverts offensive? No. I see and read far worse every time I willingly pick up a Sandman graphic novel. Would I want to see them out on the street or whilst flipping through a magazine? No. I simply don’t think they are appropriate to be out and about where a young child may see them. I know for certain that I wouldn’t want to explain to my 9-year-old niece exactly why the girl is suggesting “anatomy” as a starting subject.

That said, I think we need to stop crying pedophilia every time anything that dares to step close to a boundary appears on our radar. Disney’s The Little Mermaid was sixteen and is depicted wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini top; Britney Spears danced about in a corridor showing off her bra under her school uniform; and way back in 1969, a middle-aged Sid James was leering over Barbara Windsor playing a school girl in the British comedy Carry on Camping, yet we never suggested that the teams behind these were promoting pedophilia. If complaints were made, as was the case with Britney, then they were accused of being inappropriate, a fair point and one far more likely to be heeded than the fiftieth cry of pedophilia within a week.

By constantly throwing the term around, it becomes more and more difficult to give true weight to those stories which do require it. Nobody wants the true cases to go by ignored and forgotten, but if we continue to label everything we find vaguely uncomfortable with the same phrases, then they will soon lose their meaning.

It’s no secret that it’s challenging for mothers to find the energy and attention devoted to self to even dream erotic thoughts. Recently, we learned little about rekindling passion between committed partners via video instruction in a post “The Sinclair Institute is Geeky About Sex!” And there are numerous self-help books like Great Sex For Moms. So, when the idea of “sex week” first came up on the Geek Mom forum, it seemed like a logical fit.

I quipped I’d heard Trojan has made the manufacturing and marketing move from protection to pleasure, and the electronics buzzed. The topic bounced around among us, grew with delight, and hypothetically we imagined what it would be like for an entire conference auditorium to get a new product line sample in a vibrating swag bag. It made me laugh, so I figured I’d found a topic: toys for pleasure.

Why then, I’ve been wondering, have I been reluctant to talk about novelty items that are designed purely for pleasure? Especially if the novelty item requires technology to operate. Why do I blush when I say the word vibrator? Is it because the it exists for only one purpose–to give pleasure to a woman? So I did my geek thing, and for me that means research. I read about the history of mechanical vibrators (some water “therapy” devices were in use as early as the 1880’s and by the early 20th century personal devices were available via Sears and Roebuck, apparently outselling other appliances), home novelty parties (imagine a Mary Kay make-up party, but with tantalizing edible massage oils, sensual devices, and distributors who call themselves “goddesses”), iPhone apps (not to mention creative uses for the iPhone camera while communicating with a distant partner), and I’ve been playing around—no heavy breathing—with the wordplay involved. I’m not the only one who gets a little tongue tied. There’s a general tendency to rely on euphemisms when we talk about anything that might provide pure sensual pleasure.

The history of "hysteria" and the medical solution to lack of sexual satisfaction.

In the case of the V-word, it seems silly to be embarrassed. After all, the word vibrator has a number of uses, most of them non-titillating. For example, a vibrator is a setting on a number of musical instruments, as well as our cell phones. And, there is a British punk band named the Vibrators. However, despite the everyday usage, Trojan has chosen to name their purple branded line “Vibrations,” so even a company known for selling products designed strictly for sexual use has wiggled on the V-word. On its website Trojan adds some gravitas to its promise of ecstasy, citing the science of vibrators via scholarly research from the prestigious Indiana University Center for Sexual Health Promotion.

Now I’m blushing again. Silly me. Romance novels are top sellers for women. And sensual aids are as old as recorded commerce, probably older. Television programs and movies are full of married and unmarried partners who are getting it on, and most aren’t coupling to conceive. Most of the time, on and off the screen, the happy dance between the sheets is done for fun. (Notice how euphemisms come in handy with or without toy involvement.)

We buy push up bras and negligees. We have henna tattoos and body waxes. And these can all be found at a typical suburban mall. Yet a novelty item strictly designed to hit a woman’s pleasure button is relegated to a satin-lined treasure box tucked safely under the bed.

I wonder. Is there a relationship between the hidden nature of female sex organs and our attitude toward them? Is the physical secret related to the emotional reticence? My younger self would have said coyness is cloying. Be brazen and have at it. Go full out for a lusty roll in the hay. But my aging Athena self ponders the wisdom of seduction. The female has the only human organ designed explicitly for pleasure alone. It’s not physically obvious. But it’s a terrific secret.

I leave you with one of the greatest rock ‘n roll classics of all times: “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys.

John William Waterhouse, "Lamia" (Red girl and knight), Wikimedia Commons

In our previous posts, we dealt about the use of romance and sex in RPG.

But, as some reactions prove it, all RPGs may not be suited to such topics.

Glen Taylor of Examiner wonders “What games bring in the best material to explore attraction and romance? Which games are the sexiest?”
He comes with Conan the RPG (“splashing blood and scantily-clad folks of both genders flashing their bits for the audience”), the cyberpunk games (claiming that “The whole cyberpunk genre, with its style-over-substance emphasis, holds a lot of promise for sexiness in gaming”) and of course the World of Darkness games (sensuality and blood metaphors for Vampire, wildness and animality for Werewolf, escaping the laws of physics for Mage, the Satyrs in Changeling…).
One may remember Black Dog supplements for White Wolf games (“This definition applies to not only content such as excessive violence or sexual themes, but to games with ideas that need a mature viewpoint to gain any benefit or appreciation.”)
I happen to play one of the Black Dog campaigns, the almost mythical Giovanni Chronicles, and it was dark indeed, but not only in a sexual way. There was my business with Vykos, though, but it isn’t exactly part of the campaign.
However, Eternal Hearts, an erotica novel set in the universe of Vampire: The Masquerade, wasn’t exactly a success.
He also picks the more recent White Wolf game Exalted.
I haven’t play it but if I believe School Library Journal and their “Tips for introducing role-playing games in your library” :

The game includes some mature subject matter, including slavery and political and religious controversy. It also deals with alternative sexuality, making it a unique RPG.

Some other games include romance as part of their storylines and character creation, such as the delightful steampunk-fantasy Castle Falkenstein where every character must choose a Nemesis and a (usually impossible) Love, as well as list her social, professional and romantic goals.
Arthurian RPG Pendragon also includes romance, courtship, marriage and children in characters’ interests and stories’ plots. The game even proposes a Lover’s Solo scenario in which the PC will follow all the steps of courtly love :

3I. Collect Rewards. Successes at this stage lead towards more liberties. During this stage the lady will allow her lover to lick her lips, to whisper softly in her ear, to touch her ears with his lips, to feel her breasts, to place his tongue in her mouth, to lick her neck, to fondle her naked breats and to kiss them. When all the Reluctance has been erased, go to Step 4.

Some indie games are even completely devoted to romantic matters, such as Black & Green‘s trilogy of “three quick games about the humanheart”, Breaking the Ice (“Play out the ups and downs of a couple’s first three dates. From first bumbling attempts to get to know one another, to the stirrings of trust and desire. Watch the attraction flare, and see if the flame will light a fire that will last for a lifetime–or just burn brightly and flicker out. Falling in love was never so much fun!”), Shooting the Moon (“Two Suitors compete for the affection of a shared Beloved, who has overwhelming odds of their own to face. United and divided by their shared fates and intertwined destinies–the game will let you see what these three characters are made of, and what they will do for love.”) and Under my Skin (“A group of friends get together and secret loves and passions erupt. Partners and lovers have to face up to their fears and jealousies as they find that time has taken its toll on their relationships. Passions rage and lovers see whether their relationships will last or crumble under the pressures of temptation over a potential new love.”).

Some RPGs focused on the darker and less romantic aspects of sex, such as the great contemporary horror game Kult, “notable for its philosophical and religious depth as well as for its mature content.” Kult is no longer published but one may find some resources on its Unofficial Home.

But you may even find “adult material” for mainstream RPGs such as Dungeons and Dragons.
Unfortunately, RPG books dealing with sex appear to be… let’s say expendable, in the best cases. I admit I haven’t read any of them but I follow specialists’ reviews and none of them makes me want to buy the books :

The Book of Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (yes, most of these books have incredible titles) is reviewed by RPG Geek :

[the book gives] any fantasy RPG GM the answers to many sexual RPG questions. Like:

“What are the sexual habits of a black dragon?” “A kobold?” “Are they even compatible?!?” […]

“How can 3.0 spells be used in sexual situations or for sexual health?” “And have people designed NEW spells to be used in the bedroom or for sexual enhancement?”
They have.
This is one of the more sexually healthy D&D sex guides out there. (I can’t believe I said that.) Yes, there is a “Prismatic Dildo” spell, but there is also “Painless Birth”.[…]
A lot of thought has gone into making it a usable resource. How seriously and closely you follow the rules to sexual conquest (Sexual Tricks and Feats!) is up to you. ;)”

Sabledrake Enterprise’s Naughty & Dice attempts to bring the scandalous topic of sex into the role-playing game arena. This 108 page, perfect-bound supplement includes game mechanics, skills, magic, and sexually oriented character types alongside illustrations of half-nude elfin “babes,” examples of sexually oriented plot in the form of gaming fiction, and a gaggle of witticisms on sex quoted from literature, pop culture icons, and historical figures. Naughty & Dice also features an impressive chapter on the history of sex as well as a few adventure ideas to aid timid GMs. ”

Not very convincing, except for “Especially within chapters seven through nine (Pregnancy & Conception, The Folklore of Sex, and The Mythology of Sex) and chapter fifteen (Sex in History), it quickly becomes evident that the authors are suggesting that sex and sexuality is simply a part of life. To play in an RPG where sex is nonexistent would be unrealistic. Not only that, but with the way sexuality is inexorably intertwined in society [as the authors imply in Chapter Fifteen: Sex in History], PCs need never play out the most intimate scenes of a sexual encounter in order to feel the repercussions.

There’s also The Book of Erotic Fantasy

And I won’t even link to FATAL (“Fantasy Adventure To Adult Lechery”, can you believe it ?). I read the review on RPG.net archives and was horrified.

My position is that romance and sex may be used in most games, especially one I used to experiment as a player and a GM, Amber RPG.

Here are some ways I used romance & sex as a GM for this game :

I used a Destined Beloved theme for one of my PCs. That’s not easy, for a PC is free to be indifferent to the NPC you meant for him/her. You have to proceed carefully. I was inspired by the great SF French comic books series Le Vagabond des Limbes and worked at two levels : in his dreams, the PC met his Destined Beloved, enjoyed time with her, involving romance and possibly sex, and finally learnt she was waiting for him to rescue her from Dreamworld ; in his reality, he met a very amiable child whom he came to like a lot, before understanding the child was the past of his Beloved One. When the two timelines were united, the PC had really come to know and to love his Destined Love Interest. They ended married and had children, and still enjoy romantic and sensual moments.

Another PC wrote a very short story for his background, implying he had been infatuated with a famous NPC, Princess Deirdre. At this time, it was clearly an unrequited love, but later in the campaign, Deirdre’s situation changed as much as to allow her to come closer to the PC. They were both outlaws, both self-exiled from a triumphant and sunny Amber.That was the beginning of a wonderful tragic tale of dark romance between them which makes great memories for the player and for me. Their first embrace was obviously a very important scene, as the PC had desired her for many years, and couldn’t be avoided. I described it in a way I hope was suggestive but not trivial.

A third player had a very “classic” romance with a young lady from the Courts of Chaos. Wait a minute : classic ? from Chaos ? So it became a little more complicated, mainly for in-game decisions, when the lady became betrothed to the King of Chaos himself. As she was also an agent of a powerful matriarchal structure, inspired by Dune‘s Bene Gesserit, sex was a matter of importance. She was meant to bear the PC’s child, you see ? And as she truly loved him, she didn’t want to use him in that way. Still following me ? Anyway, when they were finally reunited and (almost) free to love each other, that was a very important moment. Still, the description stayed soft and minimal.

My other PCs (including the only female one) had love interests at various moments but never came to a real relationship. I have to say these ones were the less experienced players, probably less at ease with role-playing.

So, are romance and sex topics of “advanced role-playing” ?

Anyway, I loved reading all your experiences in the comments and I hope some of you will consider adding romantic elements to your RPG plots.

I refer to role-playing, not actually having sex with your fellow gamers (unless it’s a whole different kind of role-playing group.) I played a character for about a year that had had sex every single gaming session (not alone), and you can do it too!

I did not set out to make such a stud, but it became a highlight in my role-playing career. He was a good guy, but a total jerk. I had the fun of acting like a villain in my personal life, but plot-wise I always did was the hero (so the party wouldn’t kick me out.) I’ll tell you my experience and I encourage you to steal any part of my character for your own sordid enjoyment.

First of all I played a guy. I had always played girl characters because I am a girl, and feel we need to be represented in the traditional male-dominated fantasy setting. But I had just played a couple of girls, and one pre-gendered teen (long story for another post) and was in the mood to try something different.

Into my imagination waltzed Prince Percy (Percival, but don’t call him that) Victors, complete with 18th century pink satin and ruffles; looking at me with a bored expression. He was a royal, pampered, wealthy “dandy”, a squeamish vampire (hated the sight of blood- yes, it made for interesting moments), was lecherous and very, very charming. He was also bisexual, but preferred women. Percy was an impeccable dresser and carried a black-lace Hello Kitty parasol to keep off the sun. Oh, and he was a complete asshole.

I announced quite early on that I planned to seduce the entire party one way or another. Some of that was because I needed blood to survive, and it was convenient to feed during sex; I was distracted from the icky blood thing. But I also enjoyed the conquest and told them that letting me screw them would be the best night of their lowly peasant lives.

We had three women and three men in the role-playing group. In the first game, I rolled a critical success for charming one of the ladies, along with her critically failing any resistance. This meant that she was desperately in love with me. I used her on a regular basis, and the rest of the party was immediately disgusted. Yet, I still managed to make one of the other women drunk enough to come to my bed, another was tricked into sexual favors from some plot episode where I helped her, and I did manage to kiss one of the guys (though he tried to punch me afterwards.) Along with having sex with every NPC (girl or guy) that came along, Percy was perfectly promiscuous.

I had a great time, and the other players couldn’t help but laugh (out of character of course.) I also had a ridiculously lucky set of dice. In the entire year of playing Percy, I only failed a seduction role once (and the barmaid poured water over my head) and had regular crits for how good the sex was. So although I was just being my egotistical self when I said the sex would be fantastic, it turned out to be true. Even the party members I tricked had to admit I made them very, very happy.

The best part was constantly flirting with the girls in the group. In every role-playing game I’ve played, flirting is awkward or silly because no one wants to make anyone think they’re “really” trying anything. Flirting and sex were always with NPCs or glossed over like a movie where the actors fall into bed kissing and the camera moves to the flowing curtains and CUT! But my real life sexual orientation is heterosexual, and the other players know that. So when I was flirting with the girls, it wasn’t awkward, it was hilarious. When I flirted with the guys, they got annoyed. I think this was because my character was having more sex than they were in real life, but that’s just a guess (heh.)

The only part of it that annoyed me, was how much the girls liked my character. He was a jerk. He used them and was proud of it. And yet, they still giggled (in and out of character) and flirted back. And even though the two girls I tricked into sex were mad for a few sessions, they quickly wanted a real relationship with the guy, and tried to “get” him. I (Rebecca) was incredulous.

So there you have it role-players. Be a rich, sexy, blood-sucking, egotistical slut (with good taste in clothes) and other characters will not only succumb to sex, but also secretly wish to marry you. Who knew it could be so fun to be a guy?

Picture this: A beautiful, 16-year-old girl, a bright A-student, a good kid, my daughter. Her main extra-curricular activities are the marching and jazz bands, and now she’s been dating her first love, another band geek, for almost one year. He’s adorable, funny, and a true gentleman. What a relief that my girl is sweet on a boy I truly like, and I’m happy for her that she has someone who lets her know how special she is.

Here’s the problem: I’m afraid that it’s time for the big sex talk. Statistically, it may be past time.

My first tactic is to find a good book. (I’m aware of the irony—approaching a talk about passion via the intellect. Stay with me here.) I’d had Masters and Johnson, whose clinical tome was full of the mechanics of orgasm, but shy on any of the social or emotional aspects of sexuality. And I had Our Bodies, Ourselves, a classic for sure. But I want to provide a more current resource for my girl.

Now, I’ve found the resources, but about that mother-daughter talk . . . So far she hasn’t brought up the topic. Unless you count her claiming that she still has her V-card and that she’s clear about not becoming a teen pregnancy statistic. But those remarks were delivered to secure permission to stay out late with her friends. They hardly count as a conversation about sexual desire. It’s up to me to initiate the big talk.

What’s the hold up? I could just get her in the car for a cross-town drive and open with a line like, “If you’re thinking about going beyond kissing and cuddling with your sweetheart… If you’re thinking about having sex …”

My sex professor friend, Dr. Debby Herbenick, sexual health educator at Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, says that trapping a kid in the car is one of the most often-reported bad sex talk venues.

The other sex talk No-Nos Herbenick named:

Do NOT freak out about your kid’s first time, or any other sexual information they may share with you. (This is especially hurtful, if you’ve assured your kid that he or she can ask you about or tell you anything.)

Do NOT share personal information about your own sex life. Remember appropriate boundaries.

The No-Nos seem obvious to me. Less obvious is how can I initiate the conversation so that my daughter feels safe to ask me questions, or ask for comfort and security. Why is this so hard for me? After all, this isn’t the first sex-talk I’ve had with her.

Here are some of the sex talks I remember:

When she was three, she asked about how girls could grow babies, and I reassured her that she already had all the eggs she would ever need in her belly. She was and is fully equipped and good to go. She felt empowered, and I’d given her accurate information without overloading her with more than she needed at the time.

At the age of six she learned the basic mechanics of intercourse in school. When I picked her up that afternoon, her questions were brief and to the point. “Dad put his penis inside of you?” I nodded. That was easy. “And it felt good?” It took all the self-control I could muster to nod without laughing at her aghast expression. I still consider the whole conversation a successful one. This was years before her own body started changing, so the doing it image—gross as it may have seemed to her at the time—was still easy for her to detach from.

The talk about menses and what to expect was a snap, because there is so much literature . . . from the pediatrician to the tampon box. Unlike the taboo topic of my generation, a girl’s period has truly come out of the closet.

Not long after, she and her friends initiated a brief conversation about their bodies, which by the age of 12 were clearly changing. I was chauffeuring three pals to the movies, so I was trapped in the car when they asked about vaginal moisture. They thought it felt strange, and asked me if this new sensation was normal. I didn’t say much or get very clinical. After all, I was driving. I simply nodded, and reassured them that moistness was very healthy and that they would get used to it.

There was the sexting sex talk her dad and I had with her and her younger brother. This was another easy one, because we, the parents, were on the same page. The concepts of privacy—in particular, keeping private parts private—and the need to guard one’s electronic trail are so obvious to us. In a particularly graceful moment their dad reassured them that they would have sex, and it would be a positive part of their lives. I added my perspective that sexual intimacy is called “intimacy” for a reason, and that the best, most loving relationships thrive on shared, private connections.

Which leads me to the present, difficult crossroads. How am I going to talk to my girl about love and lust and sexual desire? How can I explain the importance of protecting herself, physically and emotionally, without putting a voodoo hex on her sexual life. How can I tell her what I’ve learned? That shared bodily fluids are only a piece of it. There’s sacred energy involved, too. How can I even bring up the subject without putting pressure on her to cash in her V-card before she’s ready?

I really do honor my children’s privacy. My daughter is her own person, and I’m not her closest confidant, nor do I see that as my role. But I am responsible for her health and safety.

In addition to providing access to information, Dr. Herbenick suggested I take my daughter to a movie that features a sexual relationship, and use talking about the fictional story as a way to open the conversation.

A movie, of course! After all, we’d seen Juno together. (And I highly recommend this film about a smart teen who navigates her unexpected pregnancy.) But, when I checked the listings I found that late winter is the season of thrillers and super-hero movies.

Then, I found something better. Saturday I took my girl out to a matinee performance of The Vagina Monologues. It has everything. In the interactive portion of the show, we named body parts until the word vagina is no longer embarrassing to say. We heard a story about a woman, so ashamed of her sexual desire and physical response, that she’s spent a lifetime shut off from “down there.” We celebrated pleasure with a comic rendition of orgasmic moans. We cried for rape victims. We laughed at a woman railing about the indignity of a cold speculum. My daughter and I shared every emotion, along with a loving community of women and men.

And afterward, when I thought the time was ripe for our big talk, I simply told her if she was ever scared or confused or hurt that she could talk to me. (Note to self: Do NOT freak out, when and if she tells me something uncomfortable.)

Really? That’s it? The Big Sex Talk? It turns out, there really wasn’t much else to say. It turns out, the biggest part of my Big Sex Talk was how much I needed to lower my fear and open my heart.

I realized my daughter already understands everything I could tell her now. We’ve been having the conversation for years. Every time we’ve seen a television program, a movie, or a play together. Every book we’ve read and discussed. Every side comment and giggle. Every roll of the eye. Sex for procreation and sex for pleasure have always been part of the discourse between us. How could it not be?

And I also realize that I trust my daughter to know when she’s ready to “cash in her V-card.” Of course I don’t want her to grow up too fast. There will always be a part of me that remembers when she was born. She’s my baby girl. But she’s also growing into a gorgeous young woman. And her sexual life is her own. The most important thing, the big thing I want her know is that I trust her to make her own choices.