As far as I'm aware I've consumed a Diet worthy of vegetarian Bhuddist Hermit living in a Mongolian cave over the last few days. I haven't touched a pint or a curry and I've dutifully eaten whatever the other half reports Jamie Oliver says is good for you now...

So why then, did I just squirt a hot jet of Badger's Finestâ¢ Gravy into my trunks? Fecking new ones to boot!

There I was, happily and camly being a lazy git and reading in bed when I felt gaseous products in the tube. At this point I had no idea my gut was in turmoil and so I gave a little nudge, just for extra effect.

My natural blokeâs amusement instantly turned to horror as a searing heat ripped through my hoop and splattered in the underwear.

I quickly stamped on the brakes to control the flow. Thank God I was alert enough for thatâ¦

I waddled John Wayne style to the Armatige Shanks next door and examined the damage. I had to go carefully. A bit like Hans Blixâs inspectors, I was potentially sitting (literally) on a stockpile of Weapons of Mass Destruction. (Very close to, but not to be confused with, the Weapons of Mass Seduction)

I sat on the crapper and re-opened the sluice-gates. I seriously thought the wiring had gone wrong somewhere in my pelvic area and I was p.issing out my arrse!

I spread out the contaminated boxers and carefully scraped the edge of the cow pat with some bog roll. Feck me this thing was the colour of the Desert DPMâs! Not brown and soily like shiâite is supposed to be, but like the Iraqi landscape!

Once the splashing flow finally ceased, and the water in the toilet turned into a festering stinking quagmire, I felt the kickback from the fluid that had just passed out of me. F.uck me! It felt like my hoop had been liberally sprayed with Sulphuric Acid and CS gas! The little men inside me must have flushed my stomach acids for the comedy value of the resultsâ¦

I had to look up the kellie decontamination thread for practical tips on how to actually get the c.rap off the pants. I can faithfully report that scratching it off with your nail just rubs it in further!

What fun! I'm now wearing some already skid-marked boxers to minimise the fallout if it takes me by suprise.

Shiiit, gotta run, I can feel it coming on...

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I think we've almost exhausted most peoples sh.itty stories but this thread is open to any more that still lie un-penned... More poo where available please...

[hr]

As an addendum (sp?), My poor arrse is now stained a lovely yellowy colour, very oriental I think.
This leaves me ruminating on the abuse my rear has taken in it's time (one-way traffic, I'm afraid Ctauch) which brings me to the Compeed story. DozyBint knows it already but as I can't be arrsed to pen it as yet, I'll save it for another time...

It has been realiably reported that men do not eat enoguh fibre in their diet and so have ' problems' in digestion and elimination not as prevelent in women...

I suggest copious amounts fo beer [ grain in liquid form after all ] and other byproducts of wheat, barley, rye, corn.. etc.. [ read the labels before consuming - its a bit squinty and blurry after draining the contents ]

The Earl of Sandwich was on to a good thing..put lots of animal proteien bewteen slices of quality grain bread and chow down..

I think you are in an ideal position to stage a "dirty protest" at Mrs. R_B's well-intentioned but misguided attempt to feed you "Jamie's School Dinners." When she comes home to discover your home decorated in human waste a la a 1970's "H" Block then maybe she'll think again.

If I eat anything else, especially vegetables, nuts and any other food that Coldplay's Chris Martin might approve of then my hoop turns into the 666th Circle of Hell, spewing forth a volcanic, diabolical stream of the Devil's Bum-Jus.

So phone up The Raj, get in that Jalfrezi and ten bottles of Cobra and watch your natural equilibrium re-establish itself.