You're separated. Your partner wants you to go to mediation to work out a
separation agreement, but you have misgivings about it. If this describes
you, this article was written to address your concerns.

First off, there's a roller coaster of feelings with every separation.
After everything that has happened to cause your separation, you may have
built up considerable distrust or suspicion of your partner. In fact, if s
(he) wants something, you might immediately suspect it will negatively
affect you. The person you thought you married has vanished and in their
place is the unreasonable person you are dealing with now. So it's natural
to question his or her suggestion now to mediate. Besides this, mediation
may be unfamiliar territory to you. During stressful times most of us are
loathe to try new things. With all that said, why bother to consider
mediation? The answer is simple. It may be the best alternative for
resolving you and your children's future.

Is your children's' welfare central to your concerns and decisions? If so,
you probably have ideas about how the parenting plan should be worked out.
If the two of you disagree about any parts of the plan (legally called
custody and visitation), it's easy for the conflict to become heated, with
each person digging further into their position. Why even try to mediate in
such an atmosphere?

The reason is that a skilled mediator can cool things down and help you
define the issues in solvable ways, while the litigation process frequently
achieves the exact opposite. When your lawyers advocate for each side, the
conflict can escalate and go on for a long, expensive time. In the end,
either the 2 lawyers will negotiate a settlement for you or the judge will
decide the outcome. The risk, naturally, is that it would not be the one you
seek. Alternately, in mediation, you have a chance to make these critical
family decisions for yourselves. The court rarely turns down negotiated
settlement.

So the personal stakes are high, and it makes sense to react with caution to
any proposal, whether it's about mediation, custody, finances, or parenting
plans. The challenge is to make an informed decision, not a defensive one.

What are some of the most common concerns people have about mediation?

1. I'll be pushed into compromising or agreeing to something that is not in
my best interests.

A professional mediator will keep you on task and help you consider many
options, possibly even ones you hadn't thought about. He or she will help
you search for win-win solutions, and will not pressure you to accept
something you don't want. Assuming the mediation is voluntary rather than
court-ordered, you can stop the process at any time and return to the
adversarial process if you wish.

2. Without my own counsel there to advise me, I won't be able to manage.

There is always an opportunity, actually encouragement, to consult with
counsel or other experts between sessions and to bring that knowledge to the
next session. There are also hundreds of books and articles on children and
divorce, legal rights, and financial matters.

The sessions will deteriorate into mudslinging and rehashing old arguments.

There will be some conflict in the mediation (otherwise you'd still be
together). However, a competent mediator will not allow name-calling or
abusive behavior. Blaming and counter blaming will be redirected back to the
task at hand and focused on the future.

3. (S) He is so unreasonable we would never get anywhere.

As a neutral party, the mediator asks questions aimed at defining the
concerns underneath the positions staked out. You may also be surprised at
how civilized your partner's behavior is with the third party mediator
present, compared to interactions outside the mediation room.

In summary, just because your partner wants mediation doesn't mean it will
be bad for you! Ask people who have used mediation about their experience.
Sit in on a divorce case in family court to get a first-hand. Consider the
pros and cons objectively without being swayed by distrust and anger.
Consider your own tolerance for long, drawn out conflict. Think about how a
legal battle would affect your kids. Look at which method will best prepare
you for future communication about parenting issues. Talk personally with
potential mediators and ask lots of questions. You'll be glad you made an
informed choice that is independent of any pressure you've encountered.

The information contained on this page is not to be considered legal advice. This website is not a substitute for a lawyer and a lawyer should always be consulted in regards to any legal matters. Divorce Source, Inc. is also not a referral service and does not endorse or recommend any third party individuals, companies, and/or services. Divorce Source, Inc. has made no judgment as to the qualifications, expertise or credentials of any participating professionals. Read our Terms & Conditions.