Tag: Advice

I’ve been doing my regular laps around the block even though all the humans are huddled in their houses, and everyone’s acting like I have the cooties!

Pete the Pomeranian, who is usually one of the friendliest of my neighborhood amigos, ran away from me this morning, while my neighbor’s snooty purebred poodles were more snooty than ever.

There’s a parrot who lives two doors down, and I heard her saying “Get away! Get away, you dirty cat! I don’t want your filthy feline viruses!”

Buddy, what the hell is going on? Why does everyone hate us?

– Freaked Out In Fayetteville

Dear Freaked Out,

You don’t read the newspapers, do you? Ever since a cat in Hong Kong and a tiger here in New York tested positive for the COVID, everyone is acting like us cats are zombies from The Walking Dead!

These days you can’t even claw or pee on a tree to mark your territory without all sorts of dogs, birds and squirrels coming out of the woodwork to yell at you about spreading “the cat AIDS,” as if we’re all infected and trying to spread it to everyone else.

There’s talk of rounding us all up and quarantinizing us in local cat cafes for at least a year. This is America, not Chairman Meow’s communist China!

We’re the lucky ones, my friend. Some cats have been tossed out of their own homes by the same humans who are supposed to serve them. It’s an outrage! The purrsecution and meowlevolent spreading of rumors has gotten out of claw!

For now, the best solution is to disguise yourself as another species entirely. Get some floppy ears and buck teeth and pretend to be a rabbit. And if that parrot keeps talking trash, tell her you haven’t eaten since yesterday and you’re wondering if all birds taste like turkey and chicken, then smile real evil-like. That oughta shut her up. 🙂

You’re always going on about food as if your Big Buddy doesn’t ply you with snacks. I know he does, because you’re getting chubby.

But that’s beside the point: You’re a cat! You don’t need humans to feed you. You could venture outside and grab yourself a nice juicy mouse or a plump bird!

It’s time for you to get in touch with your roots and your inner predator, Buddy.

– Rodent Hunter in Rhode Island

Dear Rodent Hunter,

First of all, I am NOT chubby. It’s called a primordial pouch, okay? Cats from fierce warrior lineages have them to protect us from the claws of our opponents and the talons of raptors. (The avian kind, not the dinosaurs, although if dinosaurs were still around I’d kick their asses too.)

Secondly, I would totally go outside and hunt me some snacks, but I can’t. It’s in my contract. When you make a living off your devastating good looks like I do, you can’t just get into scraps like a common cat.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

If you say so. But humans are constantly leaving tasty treats all over the place. You just need to know where and when to look.

For example, did you know humans eat whipped cream in the bathroom? It’s true! The next time your Big Buddy is shaving his whiskers, find some way to make a distraction that will draw him out of the bathroom.

While he’s distracted you can eat the whipped cream. There will be entire globs of it all around the sink! Just gobble it all down really fast and get out before Big Buddy realizes you’re eating his yummy snacks.

You’ll have plenty of time to savor the taste of that delicious whipped cream once you’re out of the bathroom. When you taste it, I want you to think of me. That’s the taste of victory, Buddy!

WHAT THE &$@#, DUDE?!? That was NOT whipped cream! It didn’t taste like victory either. It was gross! I had to wash my mouth out eight times and eat half a bowl of kibble just to get the taste off my tongue, and then I got sick.

Do you think Big Buddy knew I was going to steal his whipped cream? He knew, right? That’s why he put that disgusting fake whipped cream for me to find. It’s the only logical explanation.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You’re as sharp as you are handsome, Buddy! That’s got to be what happened. Your Big Buddy must’ve known and he played a prank on you. Makes total sense.

I eat the whipped cream all the time when my human shaves, and it is creamy and delicious! Maybe you should try again. Be really slick about it so your human doesn’t know you’re coming and put the fake whipped cream out for you. Be stealthy!

When you outsmart your human and you get that first taste of milky, creamy, silky deliciousness, remember that you’re a genius and you’ve earned it. Your persistence will pay off!

Let me know how it goes. 🙂

– RH

Dear RH,

I was outwitted again. 😦 I don’t know how he knew I was going to steal his whipped cream again, but somehow Big Buddy found out and pulled another fast one on me. What’s that saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you again!

Well I won’t give him the satisfaction of a third time! I’m done trying to steal whipped cream for the time being.

My human has me scheduled to go to the vet for neutering on May 12, and the dreaded day is fast approaching. I’m terrified! I don’t want to be neutered! Help me please, how do I get out of this nightmare?

Terrified in Texas

Dear Terrified in Texas,

What the hell are you talking about?

Buddy

—————————

Dear Buddy,

It’s when your human brings you to the evil veterinarian and they remove your balls! How can you not know this? You’re telling me you weren’t neutered?

T in T

Dear T in T,

I still have my balls. My favorite is green and fuzzy and I use it to play catch with Big Buddy. I also have one with little lights in it and it makes noises when I swat it around! So much fun!

There’s a catnip ball too, but the catnip is inside and I can’t get to it. That kinda sucks. Tell your human not to take away your toys.

Buddy

—————————-

Dear Buddy,

No, you moron! Your balls! As in testicles! They cut them! It hurts just thinking about it!

T in T

—————————-

Dear T in T,

Hey now! No need for name calling. Who is Testicles? Was he friends with Achilles and Socrates? And what does this have to do with balls?

If you’re gonna write in and ask my advice, the least you can do is make sense!

Buddy

(The great warrior Testicles led the Spartans alongside Leonidas and the 300 legendary cats who fought a million-strong dog army in Thermopylae Alley. To this day, poets sing songs of Testicles and his bravery.)

—————————

Dear Buddy,

I suggest you go and ask your beloved Big Buddy what happened the first time you went to the veterinarian. Make sure your claws are extra sharp before you have that conversation. You’ll thank me later.