Hugo Rifkind has watched 28 hours of Best Picture nominees (so you don’t have to) - and awarded his own ‘Hugo’ awards

There should be an Oscar for the people who judge the Oscars. Over the past
ten days I’ve watched them all. We’re talking about 28 hours of film. There
was only one brief car chase (it was chasing an aeroplane; no jeopardy), and
the closest thing to a sex scene ended with somebody getting half beaten to
death in a shower. There have been endless dance routines, and only one was
ironic. And there are so many beards. These days, everybody has beards. In
films, people have beards like they used to smoke. It’s a shortcut to
authenticity.