Boards

We did this a few years back, and people tuned in for a bit, and shared their thoughts on what they heard. Thought it might be nice to set a weekly challenge for people to expose themselves to various different music media and report back from their findings (can imagine picking some quite niche genre specialist sites will be as interesting as listening to Classic FM)

Anyway, seeing as The Insider has returned to pen a piece about Radio1, I thought it might be interesting for you to give the station a go at some point this week, and 'review' your experience, with marks out of ten...

Listening between 11.16am and 11.27am
First song – Misha B / Do You Think Of Me
Utterly shit. It’s got that Katy Perry annoyingly unsubtle shouty focal. And there’s this proto-1990s dance synth going on in the background. Sounds like it was made in eJay FFS. The whole thing sounds really unfinished actually.

Now time for banter between Fearne Cotton and… Schof? Who is that? Something about nostrils. Then there’s this strange advert for students who watch TV whilst studying? And they need a TV license. Hrm.

Second Song – The Vaccines / Teenage Icon
This is the Vaccines? Man, they’re utterly tuneless. It’s like the Libertines never happened. I am incredibly shocked at how barefacedly shite this is! I’m not listened to the Vaccines before, but I’ve at least heard of them spoken of, and I assumed it was at least worth something. But it’s like they are The View’s substitutes.

Some stuff about Lyrics online about the Live Lounge? Now they “have” to listen to Gangham Style… so this is the first time I am going to hear this? Anyway, Grimmy did something for her regarding a magazine he stole or something.

Third Song – Gangham Style / PSY
Wow, a non-english dance track? Pretty good Eurodance I guess, probably massive in the clubs and that. I thought that cycle thing where in the autumn we’d get the charts filled with the “club” scene. Oh, she’s cut the track short.

“Schof” is Phillip Schofield I appears. And it turns out that Fearne asked all his fans to abuse Phillip on Twitter about something regarding her nose? So… I feel like I am listening to a private phone call between two people.

Fourth Song – Two Door Cinema Club / Sleep Alone
I liked the first TDCC album quite a bit before it went everywhere on Debenhams adverts. This is pretty poor ain’t it? Lost a bit of their bite, and the high pitched guitar has become their signature sound I guess. Ah well.

Listening between 11.34am and 11.39
First song – Biffy Clyro / Stingin’ Belle
Bagpipes? Or something? They sound like they’ve gone a Muse on this one. Is this a new song? I’ve not really been a big fan of Biffy to be honest, they’ve always rubbed me the wrong way.

Can I take this moment to really complain about the fucking trails that Radio 1 have? I hate them. All fading, snippy, fast and processed. Sounds so shit.

Second song – Ellie Goulding / Anything Could Happen
Nice voice here. Pretty nice stompy rythym too. Repetitive bridge though. Sounds kinda like M83 a bit doesn’t it. Not that bad though, seems pretty nice and stuff. A bit too loud though, would do to be a bit more subtle, everyhting’s so in your face eh? That synth riff is pretty nice though despite it being so loud and up front. The synths have that untextured quality that I appropriate with inexpensive rushed production… like a fake song? I don’t know. Yeah, I don’t like this actually, it’s far too repetitive.

I'm subjected it consistently in the kitchen at work (I am a barman/waiter in a pub). Couldn't honestly believe it when I started working there how appalling and how much influence it had over pretty much every member of staff working there. Now I've just accepted that's how it is and there's no point getting worked up about it. I have tried to explain that it's incredibly patronising and there is music outside of this but there's no point in trying.

I thought that Radio 1 actually had to aim for 15-26 or whatever it is so as not to be accused of doing the same role as commercial radio stations and hence provide ammunition to people who claim the BBC doesn't need to be publicly funded?

Now on comes Greg James for a feature called "ask the nation", where he asks the listeners to help out a caller's dilemma. Doesn't really try to sound really concerned about the caller's relationship problem other than that it's good radio fodder.

Song 3: Some generic emo pop punk rubbish that 15 year-olds like. No idea what it's called or who it's by.

There's now a super annoying TV Licence advert in between songs.

Song 4: Marina and the Diamonds - "Primadonna"
I actually like this one, which is strange considering I was never a fan of her earlier work.

Song 5: AlunaGeorge - "Your Drums, Your Love"
Introduced as a BRAND NEW track by Greg, it's actually ok, I like the weird warped vocal samples. I could grow to like it. Unfortunately he rambles over the end of it going through a list of listeners who texted in saying they liked it.

Song 1: Muse - "Madness"
I'm a fan of their earlier work, and this ain't bad from them.

Song 2: The Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow"
NOOOO I hate this song!

Song 3: Rihanna - "Diamonds"
Oh god, does this woman ever have a holiday?! I swear since the last two years every other pop song people talk about is either hers or Katy Perry's.

Song 4: Sub Focus - "Tidal Wave"
Tune's ok, not a fan of the vocals though. Apparently it was one of Zane Lowe's Hottest Records a while back.

Back to the "ask the nation" feature, I'm starting to feel this girl airing her love triangle dilemma to a national audience is rather like a radio version of The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Song 5: Wand Erection, need I say more?

They then play a live performance of some crappy R&B/dance song from some R1 Teen Awards show no-one cares about. Right, because all teenagers listen to X Factor rejects, crappy pop-punk bands and crappy dance songs *rolls eyes*.

Song 8: Blandford and Sons - "I Will Wait"
Let's just say I'm not a fan...

SHOW: Grimmy's Breakfast Show
WHAT I COULD BE LISTENING TO INSTEAD: Hold Your Horse Is- 'Frimley'. An excellent debut.
AM I THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC? Yes, I'm 19

I like Radio 1 late at night, btw, and I like a fair bit of chart pop.

Song 1: Halfway through when I tuned in. Foo Fighters- 'Arlandria'. Used to love the Foos, but they're basically a second-rate emo band these days, with a few pub rock stylings just for originality. This is full of big riffs and is mildly fun, but hasn't anything to say.

Song 2: JLS- 'Hottest Girl In The World'. Some interestingly artificial, plastic vocals, which I like- the idea of turning a lovesong into something totally fake and manufactured is kind of intriguing. Other than that, it's a totally generic high-BPM stomper with heavy debts to club music it doesn't really understand.

Grimmy (who I think is a good broadcaster generally) then chats about the songs that have just been, and reads out some hello messages, one from his mate Jack who is normally a lazy arse but has- amazingly- got up and texted in to the show. He then discusses celebrities who he fancies, including Nancy Dell Olio.

Song 3: Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs- 'Your Love'. Grimmy's Record of the Week. I love T.E.E.D and obviously this is great. I'm quite surprised to hear it on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show, would be great if he got really big. Grimmy pisses me off be yeliing PUT YER ANDS IN THE AIR AND SHOUT AYE AYE over the good bit at the end, but he seems genuinely enthusiastic about a good record, so that's something.

There follows chat with a female producer about the reception the song got on Facebook (positive), and some daft feature involving theme tunes and which one Nancy Dell'Olio would be listening to.
A feature called Wheel of Fortune is announced, which seems basically to be 'playing a request'. Then some very annoying trails.

Song 4: Otto Knows- 'Million Voices'. Irritating pseudo-rave brostep-lite nonsense, the sort of thing sports science students get smashed and dance to. Like other posters, I'm not noticing much consistency between tracks, either.

I couldn't listen to Otto Knows so I went to get a cup of tea, and when I came back in Grimmy was doing Wheel of Fortune with a listener called Jess. She can choose one of four pop culture items- Rob Da Bank's show last week, FHM, a 'soggy bit of muffin' (?) or 'Ian's Libido', with which to spin the wheel. She chooses 'Ian's Libido' and a song is selected...

Song 5 (chosen by Jess at random): Cheeky Girls- 'Cheeky Song'. Excuse me, what the fuck? Why has this been dug up from the grave of pop and revived at half 9 in the fucking morning when I'm in no fit state to cope with much anyway? It's obviously the second worst song ever released, after Crazy Frog. This tea's going down well, though. Love a green tea.

Grimmy apologises for the song, declaring it 'utterly awful' and promising never to play it again. Good man. News next, it's a bit Newsroundy.

Song 6: Alt-J- 'Something Good'. It certainly is, and they're another band I didn't realise were 'big' enough to be on R1 Breakfast. Really like them though, gorgeous little number full of interesting breaks and changes and pretty harmonies.

Song 7: Sam and the Womp- 'Bom Bom'. Makes no logical sense to fade this in after Alt-J, just completely stylistically jarring. It's novelty rubbish, but I like the klezmer-influenced brass, it'd be interesting to see that Eastern European manufactured brass sound take over the charts here as well.

Song 8: Emeli Sande & Naughty Boy- 'Wonder'. I really like Emeli Sande, but this isn't good. Her voice is interesting, but there's nothing new going on here, it's very standard big-voiced-girl-sings-clubby-track fare which nobody would even dance to that much. Disappointed.

Grimmy introduces Fearne Cotton, Britain's third-worst broadcaster, who is on next. They chat about the music that has been and other banalities. A listener called Josh calls in to talk about Professor Green, who was apparently on earlier. None of the three say anything of much import. Grimmy uses the expression 'had some beef with him', and he isn't talking about a steak dinner.

Grimmy and Fearne play a boring game where he describes a supermarket, which she has to guess, and laugh hysterically about the phrases 'groovy shirt' and 'mandigan', items apparently being worn by a metrosexual producer sitting nearby, whom Fearne describes as 'tres tragique'. It is.
Fearne's show is discussed, but I'm falling to fucking sleep here. Put some music on please.
More trails. An advert for TV Licensing.

Song 9: Friendly Fires- 'Hawaiian Air'. I like Friendly Fires quite a bit, but this has always really grated on me- bad lyrics and unbearable singing. Maybe I'm just not feeling it this morning; I've got the album this is on and play it quite often after all.

Grimmy prepares to hand over to Fearne and plays the final song-
Song 10: Flo Rida- 'I Cry'. Don't mind this.

Overall, Grimmy's far, far less annoying than Moyles and occasionally shows a genuine passion for good music. I didn't hate my hour, but yeah... I'll take Hold Your Horse Is any day.

You can listen to snippets and it’ll actually be alright (sometimes) but it’s when you’re forced to listen to a whole day’s worth of over-repetition that you realise how shit it is. You can end up hearing Adele/Rihanna 10 times in one day, and every daytime DJ plays the same stuff. There’s no differentiation between the show’s music in the day, just the accent delivering the inane chatter.

I like the reportage from beyond the line. I've often wondered what goes on there but I've never been brave enough to dip the toe. This gives me the hope and courage I need that one day I could listen and re-connect with the rest of the people that live on the same island as me. Freaks that they are.