7 Point Guide To Becoming A Massive Bestselling Author In India

A friend of mine wrote a great book about a man who gets trapped in a city of ghosts. Not vampires, ghosts. It was an interesting story, well written, but he had a problem finding a publisher. One of them said he should include a sex scene in it. With a ghost. Like necrophilia be damned, let’s fuck around in the twilight zone.

After much waiting, he landed a publisher. Payment, only one lakh rupees. “That’s quite less, don’t you think,” I asked. He stared at me and said, “I didn’t receive. I paid.” I stared back. He waited till I was done expressing my shock and then said it was industry practice. To cover reading and printing costs.

The book tanked. Inspite of a ghostly blowjob in the barn. For three months after the ‘official launch’ of the book, attended by ‘friends and family’, the book was like a ghost in bookstores. Invisible. When the publisher was confronted, he blamed my friend for lack of marketing. When we asked him what exactly his part of the bargain was, he said he couldn’t possibly ‘invest’ in all the titles he published. We fought. And we lost. My friend had signed on the dotted line (publishing contract) which precluded the publisher from all acts of grace. “How can you not read the contract? You’re a writer,” I later told him. He shrugged his shoulders. "I was too happy it was going in print," he said softly.

Anyway, that little incident opened our eyes. We started observing the publishing world minutely. And we realized that a bestseller book is made of two words. Bestseller + Book. By merely writing, all you’ll have is a book. In order for it to be a bestseller, it needs a whole lot more.

And so we made a list of things you MUST do to be featured on the cover of TIME magazine for your writing. The Seven Commandments, we call it. And they’re:

1. Get money:

If you can’t get past this hurdle, don’t bother reading further. Publishing is trade, not art. And to ply it smoothly, successfully, you’ll need money. It doesn't matter whether you get an angel to invest in you, or a devil to screw and pay you. Whatever you do, get the money lined up, before you write the first line of your novel.

2. Get PR:

"Be in the eye till you hurt like a sty."

It’s simple. If they know you, they’ll pick your book. It’s the Salman Khan syndrome. What you create is incidental. Who you are is important.

What can you do to be in the eye?

Get sexy: If you’re a guy, get those abs, get a portfolio, and get featured in GQ. Pay to get featured in GQ. If you’re a girl, speak to Poonam Pandey. And then go the less cheesy way. Or more, depending on how high you want the book to rise. Remember, Sunny Leone is an actress in this country, so anything goes.

Get intellectual: Have an opinion. On everything. Usually side with Arnab Goswami so that you become his regular on the Random Debate. Rant. Everywhere. On Social. In newspaper columns. Pick fights. They don’t have to be intelligent. Side with the rebels. Become their voice. No, impose yourself as their voice even when the rebels rebel against you and say you're not.

A helpful tip: Rebels=Young India=cliche=#workseveryfuckingtime.

Get on Times of India front page. And make flipkart pay for it.

3. Get visible:

The book has to be everywhere. Every bookstore. Every online store. But that’s not all. It has to be visible. It needs a ‘Face up’ as against a ‘spine up’. Ensure there's a mountain of it. A river, lake, pond, anything really.

It needs to be on the bestseller. Even if you’ve bought your way to it. And believe me, you’ll have to buy up a lot of these spaces.

4. Give Speeches:

That’s the latest. Give talks on TED. Become a youtube sensation. You won’t on your own, so you’ll have to buy clicks. There are click farms in Dhaka which your PR will know. If they don’t, fire them. They’re no good. Talk bullshit in your speech, but talk assertively. Here’s an idea. Read out this post.

5. Create a Hate Wave:

That’s easier to create than a ‘love wave’. For love wave you need seriously good shit like A Suitable Boy. For a hate wave, you just need to pack your real shit in softcover.

A rule of thumb, never stop the hate wave. Always stoke it further. Pay people to hate you. Pay people to hit you. If you could get someone to throw a shoe at you when you’re giving a speech that would be a masterstroke. But remember to duck at the right time. Nothing sexy about having a shoe stamped on your face. Get punched during a press meet. Don’t duck. Bloody noses look sexy in print. There are ‘hate farms’ in Dhaka which your PR should know. If they don’t, fire them.

After successfully garnering all that hate, look pained. Practice that look. There is huge power in sympathy.

6. Whore around:

(I'm sorry if this is random. I didn't have a real point 6 and I had to complete the Seven Commandments. And so I put the one thing that's always on my mind. Besides, your book is going to be about sex (yup, thats decided) so the experience will come handy.)

If you’re single, good. If you’re not, divorce. Divorce before you become too big and avoid the alimony. Say, “we belong to Land of Kamasutra” if anyone asks the secret to your promiscuity. Say it even if they don’t. Say hello to Bollywood.

Whore around would also mean selling your product everywhere. Right from every street side lit fest to alleyways in bookstores (you'd be standing in that little gap between shelves and spring upon unsuspecting browsers with a wide grin and your book and convince, cajole, beg, plead, threaten them to buy).

7. Finally, write:

But not too well. It’s tough to be successful with a good product. Believe in the power of mediocrity. Democratize language. Fuck literature.

PS: If you can’t help but write well then hire a ghost writer. My friend is available. He looks like a ghost too. (His third book failed so he eats only mondays, wednesdays and fridays.)

And there you have it. A seven point guide from someone who couldn’t even practice one. But then again, I was only mildly less successful than my friend. Why would you listen to me? Why, indeed?

google plu.., wrote:
I am no longer certain where you're getting your information, but great topic.
I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more.
Thank you for great information I was searching for this information for my mission.

google acc.., wrote:
You wish to increase your followers and community, spamming people isn't
the method it, end of story. The customers, therefore, will spread the term along with other customers, who'll then be a little more aware
of the business's presence on Google+. But, its
prematurily . finally between Facebook and Google+.

lg 32 led .., wrote:
Hello there, I found your web site via Google whilst searching for a comparable matter,
your web site came up, it looks good. I have bookmarked
it in my google bookmarks.
Hello there, simply became aware of your weblog through Google, and located that it is truly
informative. I am gonna be careful for brussels. I will appreciate should you proceed this in future.
Lots of other folks can be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

resource.., wrote:
It was made just in one colour. Take these pair of boots for under $60.
Place the garment will be click here printing on. These product labels have a large snake swallow
a human! I came across so many things you love Elfa click here or you can steam it and Iím going to be too bad, believe it or can also be very helpful.
With Viewables you can make sure that--I'm using fabric and iron-on adhesive tape, which is mom, right?

lifetrak A.., wrote:
Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with SEO?
I'm trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I'm not
seeing very good success. If you know of any please share.
Many thanks!

site web.., wrote:
Now, uninterruptible power supply devices click here
provide electrical power at a constant voltage level in case
of an emergency electrician at once. Electrical connectorsElectrical connectors are an electromechanical
device typically used for connecting two or more coils labeled
as windings.

barcelona.., wrote:
Excellent post. I used to be checking constantly this blog and I am impressed!
Very useful info specifically the remaining part :) I deal with such information a lot.
I used to be looking for this certain info for a very
long time. Thank you and best of luck.

barcelona.., wrote:
Hi there, I discovered your site via Google whilst searching for a similar subject,
your site got here up, it seems good. I've bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
Hello there, just turned into alert to your weblog via Google, and
found that it is really informative. I'm going to
be careful for brussels. I will be grateful in case you proceed this in future.
Lots of other folks will probably be benefited out of your writing.
Cheers!

new star p.., wrote:
This is very interesting, You are a very skilled blogger.
I have joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your fantastic post.
Also, I've shared your web site in my social networks!

the advant.., wrote:
Paul area, you should click here still make
the necessary replacements. Some of these are important elements of a good electricians is
that, electrician must be highly trained, well experienced and well focused.
But this enormous power can also be a disadvantage.

google doo.., wrote:
Simply desire to say your article is as astounding. The clarity
in your post is just nice and i could assume you're an expert on this subject.
Well with your permission let me to grab your
RSS feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the enjoyable work.

http://cus.., wrote:
Sometimes, it can also harm people, and can be harmful click here
or fatal, many people are interested in becoming an electrician apprentice.
Due to the increasing demand, a number of pliers, including long-nose pliers, needle-nose pliers, side-cutting pliers, diagonal cut pliers, and channel click
here lock pliers. However, becoming an electrician,
ask for references as quickly as possible. So, these are the bestprivies that are used as part
of our everyday lives.

their webs.., wrote:
The exact number of photons from the sun hit the click here silicon and cause a problem.
If he does then that is good news but then you must look for a company that offers
written warranties on the work performed is an unpretentious, comfortable and safety task.
Electricians need to have a better and thorough
understanding of the UKs federal building regulation requirements for electrical processes.
Electricity has become a challenge for the manufacturers to look for a" W" on the
assumption it was installed correctly.

google doo.., wrote:
Terrific article! That is the kind of info that are meant to be shared
around the web. Shame on Google for now not positioning this submit higher!
Come on over and discuss with my site . Thanks =)

supplement.., wrote:
I do not even know the way I stopped up right here, however I thought this post was once great.
I do not know who you are but definitely
you're going to a famous blogger when you aren't already.
Cheers!

google doo.., wrote:
Fantastic site you have here but I was wondering if you knew of any discussion boards that cover the same topics discussed here?
I'd really love to be a part of community where I
can get comments from other experienced individuals that share the same interest.
If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
Cheers!

google doo.., wrote:
Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend
your web site, how can i subscribe for a blog site? The account aided
me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted
of this your broadcast provided bright clear concept

lpa.., wrote:
Good day! This is my first visit to your blog!
We are a team of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same niche.
Your blog provided us beneficial information to work
on. You have done a marvellous job!

CBF LABELS.., wrote:
Hello there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I really enjoy reading through your posts.
Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over
the same subjects? Thanks for your time!

vimeo.com.., wrote:
I know this if off topic but I'm looking into starting my own blog and was curious what all is needed to get set up?
I'm assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I'm not very web savvy so I'm not 100% sure. Any recommendations or advice
would be greatly appreciated. Kudos

navigate t.., wrote:
Learn how to cost out click here a job. When electricity problems arise in your home.
Whenever you call Mister Sparky, we care about in danger.
You will need to start the appliances and services in your
area.

click here.., wrote:
Hmm is anyone else experiencing problems with the pictures on this blog loading?
I'm trying to find out if its a problem on my end or if
it's the blog. Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.

visit site.., wrote:
The only click here way to guarantee your safety and can prevent electrical
emergencies before they occur. There are many routes you can take help of agencies who help in the design and
installation.

Meta Searc.., wrote:
I loved as much as you'll receive carried out right here.
The sketch is tasteful, your authored subject matter stylish.
nonetheless, you command get bought an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following.
unwell unquestionably come more formerly again as exactly the same nearly a lot
often inside case you shield this hike.

ReneLCheat.., wrote:
My partner and I absolutely love your blog and
find many of your post's to be what precisely I'm looking
for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for yourself?
I wouldn't mind producing a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write
about here. Again, awesome website!

anger of s.., wrote:
I will immediately snatch your rss feed as I can not
to find your e-mail subscription link or newsletter service.
Do you've any? Kindly allow me realize in order
that I may just subscribe. Thanks.

BernettaKQ.., wrote:
Greate article. Keep writing such kind of information on your page.
Im really impressed by your site.
Hey there, You have performed a fantastic job. I will definitely digg it and for my part recommend to my friends.
I'm sure they'll be benefited from this website.

SuzanWBlom.., wrote:
Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your weblog and in accession capital to assert that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your blog
posts. Anyway I'll be subscribing to your feeds and even I achievement you
access consistently quickly.

AngeloHFle.., wrote:
I've been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article
like yours. It's pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content
as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.

JeanmarieM.., wrote:
Hmm is anyone else experiencing problems with the images on this blog
loading? I'm trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it's the blog.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

TerranceJB.., wrote:
Greetings from Colorado! I'm bored to tears at work so I decided to browse your blog
on my iphone during lunch break. I enjoy the info you provide here and can't wait to take a look when I get home.
I'm shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my mobile ..
I'm not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, fantastic blog!

Tap Titans.., wrote:
Have you ever thought about creating an e-book orr guest
authoring on other websites? I have a blog centered on the samne topics you
discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my audience would appreciate your work.
If you are even remotely interested, feel free to
shoot me an email.

CeliaYZalw.., wrote:
We're a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
Your website provided us with valuable info to work on. You've done an impressive job and our entire community will be grateful to you.

MaryleeURi.., wrote:
I like the valuable info you provide in your articles.
I'll bookmark your blog and check again here regularly.
I'm quite sure I will learn many new stuff right here!
Best of luck for the next!

hero sky c.., wrote:
Having read this I thought it was extremely informative.
I appreciate you spending some time and energy
to put this short article together. I once again find myself spending way too much
time both reading and commenting. But so what, it
was still worthwhile!

LindseyLHa.., wrote:
you are in reality a excellent webmaster. The web site loading pace is incredible.
It seems that you're doing any unique trick. In addition, The contents are masterpiece.
you've performed a wonderful process in this topic!

AnibalDOsl.., wrote:
We're a bunch of volunteers and opening a brand new scheme in our
community. Your site provided us with valuable info to work on. You have performed
an impressive process and our whole community will be thankful to you.

LyndsayGTr.., wrote:
Good day I am so grateful I found your website, I really found
you by accident, while I was researching on Yahoo for
something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say thank you
for a remarkable post and a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the
theme/design), I don’t have time to read through it
all at the moment but I have saved it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time
I will be back to read more, Please do keep up the awesome jo.

CruzJKirch.., wrote:
I think that what you published made a bunch of sense. However, consider this,
what if you were to create a awesome post title?
I am not suggesting your information is not good., but what if you added
a post title that grabbed folk's attention? I mean 7
Point Guide To Becoming A Massive Bestselling Author In India is a little
boring. You might glance at Yahoo's home page and watch how they create article headlines to get
people to open the links. You might add a video or a picture or two to get people interested about
everything've got to say. In my opinion, it might bring your
blog a little bit more interesting.

CruzJKirch.., wrote:
I think that what you published made a bunch of sense. However, consider this,
what if you were to create a awesome post title?
I am not suggesting your information is not good., but what if you added
a post title that grabbed folk's attention? I mean 7
Point Guide To Becoming A Massive Bestselling Author In India is a little
boring. You might glance at Yahoo's home page and watch how they create article headlines to get
people to open the links. You might add a video or a picture or two to get people interested about
everything've got to say. In my opinion, it might bring your
blog a little bit more interesting.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Name(required):

Email(required):

Website:

Enter Image Text

Your comment(required):

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
Subscribe to Litizen. And allow us to brighten your day with fabulous stories.