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Thursday, December 4, 2008

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Yes, my friends, the time draws nigh: a season of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards those who think the same way you do - why, I can almost feel the warm fuzzies building towards critical mass as I type. Won't you join me in a moment of fuzzy-basking?

[basking] Mmmm.

Ok, enough of that. On to the Wreckage!

Now, while schools and religious and community organizations the world over strive to celebrate all the goodness of the season, bakeries are fighting back the only way they know how: with an unfolding drama of tragedy, anger, and mutation - right there among the rye and pumpernickel.

First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace:

See, I know this is a fireplace (and not Mount Vesuvius) because it says "Fireplace" on the cake board. [tapping temple] I'm "smaht" like that.

Next let's meet some of the characters featured in this month's tale of Christmas*-gone-wrong:

Ah, here we have the Ghost of Reindeers Past, obviously rendered by a Salvador Dali enthusiast. The gaping hole where his nose used to be reminds us of the fragility of life; the melting ears of how rarely we stop to listen; and the giant red spooge of...uh... how we should always use a napkin after eating? Yeah, let's go with that.

Next there's Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster:

He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches.

Oh, and let's not forget the Turdaphants: These harbingers of Christmas "cheer" are perpetually puckered up, the better to suck your spirit dry with.

And finally, there's the Big Guy himself:

He just hasn't been the same since he lost his nose in that unfortunate sledding accident. Oh, and best not to let on that you can tell his beard is fake; that's how Rudolph got his trick knee.

I had to laugh at the turd thingies... wow that was scarey! LOL. As to Christmas being used, well that is one of the holidays at this time of year. And you used Yule as well, so you covered those of us who are more pagan-y. ;) Now we just have to find some Ramadan and Channukah CakeWrecks and we'll be totally covered! *grin*

After reading Rebecca's comment and re-evaluating the picture... I think I might have to agree with her. I think that it might be an attempt at Rudolph. However, it kinda looks like Snuffy from Sesame Street to me... with a ball shoved up his trunk of course.

And all I hear when I look at Santa and his melting beard is the chorus of "An-gry eyes..." (sung to the tune of Hungry Eyes)

I think the blue eyed reindeer may also be a CCC. Sure looks like it. Talk about some ugly cakes. As far as being PC...I have no problem calling something what it is....these are obviously Christmas cakes...if they were Hanakah cakes call them that. I am not a fan of everything being a "Holiday cake" so thank you for using the appropriate term.

Egads! The horrors! Fireplace? right! The 'reindeer' actually reminds me of Max, the Grinch's dog, when he ties his ears up to put on the reindeer antlers. And does it have a mouth AND a weird red squiggle? That's one of the strangest things ever. I would think the red squiggle thing would be a nose...but it also has a 'nose'...so anyway you look at it, this animal has an extra appendage on it's face...Or it got a little crazy at the Reindeer Christmas party and has some frosting still on it's face...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."That CCC may be a huge Fail, but that comment is an Epic WIN!

Turdaphants? Is it bad if I think the cupcake variety is almost cute? I'm sorry I'm sorry....(hang's head in shame then whispers, "but they are")

"On the first day of Cmas Cake Wrecks, Jen brought to me, a reindeer in the shape of a floppy-eared bunny!"

how could anyone have a problem with you using the word christmas? you're not excluding anyone - you're just referencing the holiday you like this season :) I'm sure you'd be quick to post ramadan or kwanzaa cakes too :) I'll keep a look out...

Why would you hesitate to use "Christmas" when you're talking about Christmas-themed cakes? Presumably you wouldn't use it to describe wrecks related to other holidays. Don't buy into this whole "War on Christmas" crap. The only attacks on Christmas are when things that are ACTUALLY Christmas (like, you know, a decorated fir tree) are deemed to be "not Christmas". (Now, there's nothing inherently "Christmas" about greeting someone, and there's nothing insulting about "happy holidays".)

I LOVE these, thanks for making my break between a final and a final paper so much more enjoyable

Yay for using Christmas! Holidays, honestly? I'm more offended with them using holidays than they must be with me for using Christmas. Offended not only because they think we're forcing religion on them, but that they're ruining hundreds of years of tradition. It's a saying, like Good Morning.

Clearly Mr. Dali Reindog is licking his chops in anticipation of chomping on the yummy Snappy gingerbread CCC that he can just see up to his right who taunts him... "Run, Run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, you're legless!" *sigh* If only the great decorator in the sky had given me legs!--Becky

I agree with Bonnie B., the small elephant rudolph cupcakes are very cute! But the larger version looks like a Snuffleupagus on crack. The Snappy "cake" is the worst cake I have seen in a while. And I read your blog every day so i've seen some bad cakes.

i stared at that first picture for forever on my dashboard page trying to figure out what it was. HOW is that a fireplace?! really, that's sad! i think they wrote "fireplace" on there after they finished because they didn't want to answer everyone's questions when they asked "what the heck is that?"

also...the second picture and the third picture were just...STRANGE. did they look at a picture of a reindeer and gingerbread man before they decided to make these? that was awful.

Can we vote for a moratorium on Walmart theme cakes and cccs that were not special ordered. Every grocery store has bad cakes setting out for purchase, that's too east. I like the compare and contrast of "What I ordered vs. what I got", or wrecks that come from what should be a good bakery (Walmart need not apply).

I know it's exciting for people to take pictures and see them posted, but when your spending $20 at the local grocer's bakery you get what you pay for. I prefer the cakes that the bakery probably tried to charge $100+ for that shouldn't have ben allowed to see anything beyond the garbage bin.

OK. The first "cake" (and I use that term loosely) reminds me of 1st grade when I labeled things in my "masterpieces" .. desk, table, lamp, etc. My teacher told me I did not have to do that because people would know what I was drawing, presumably. I guess the first cake "decorator" never got that memo ...

Now listen Jen,I told you to stop it when you did the Thanksgiving Wrecks - you made my bladder go into overdrive AND now youv'e started up with Christmas Wrecks. I've had to go and buy another box of Depends. For God's sake woman - Have pity on the elderly!

Okay, to the comments about Ramadan, that was months ago. They also probably wouldn't make cakes for it, considering it's a month-long fasting period....

As for the use of the word Christmas, I do agree with the others there. I think the whole thing started with people getting offended when you would be in a store or something and at the end of the interaction (say when they hand you the shopping bag) they'd say Merry Christmas. I'm pretty sure no one cares if you use the word "Christmas" in reference to actual Christmas items. Otherwise all the stands would be advertising "holiday trees" right now.

don't participate in the dumb war on Christmas thing. I love your site. but the deal is, no one except bill o'reilly really thinks there is a war on saying merry Christmas, people can say whatever they want. Don't be silly and don't perpetuate this nonsense. ugh

Hey, I know that Santa cake! It's from Brighton, MA. I pass that bakery several times a week, and mentioned angry Santa to the wife just last week.

Around Thanksgiving, they had a turkey-topped cake with a more severe version of the same problem: all that was left on top of the cake was a plastic top hat sitting on a brown stain. The rest of the frosting turkey had slid off and drizzled into a squelchy brown pile on the floor of the display. Ew.

I have to stop reading this when I haven't had enough sleep. I totally thought the elephant/reindeer things are adorable. Yeah, I know. But they are!

I need more sleep, clearly.

Also, when first scrolling through this I was on the phone at work so couldn't really read along. I had NO IDEA what that first cake was. I didn't notice the "fireplace" written in icing along the side. It looked something like a pile of autumn leaves to me.

Note to cake "decorator" (I say that term loosely): If you have to write what the cake is on the board or cake itself (on the price label is okay, I suppose) you may want to look into other career options!

I just have to say, I've had an absolutely craptacular week and I can always count on reading your blog for a good laugh. This post particularly made me smile when I really needed to. And not even just a smile, but a laugh too.

Jen, these cakes are dealing specifically with Christmas. That in and of itself excludes you from any snarky comments. If you or a reader finds any Kwanzaa/Yule/Hanukkah/whatever wrecks, however, post them please! Every holiday has its wrecks and the all deserve to be laughed at! Long live equal-opportunity snarking!

So funny. I actually ran across a wreck today . . . I even took a picture, but my phone didn't save it! I was at the mall, and one of the giant cookie stands had a decorated "Santa" head (a heart cookie upside-down, so the point was the 'hat' and the curves were his 'beard,' nevermind that someone had chopped a big wedge out of the middle of it . . . ) Hopefully someone else will see it and submit it . . .

I just discovered your site and I am enjoying myself soooo much! I've been in my office laffing my @ss off and trying to contain it so my boss or employees don't feel the need to give me CPR! I love your sense of humor along with the pics of Cake Wrecks. And, Christmas is fine with me!Sharon Stephens, Wichita KS.

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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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