Tag: bulimia recovery

The urges rattle my bones as if there were an earthquake beneath my skin. Clenched fists hang at my sides as if the harder I press my fingernails into my palms, the easier it will be to win this fight. The thought consumes me: to cut or not to cut? That is the only question.… Continue reading A Surge of Urges→

Tonight should have been a binge night. See, everything was going well until I successively broke three of Ana's most important rules: Eating after breakfast before I was hungry Eating a non-lunch food for lunch (in this case, leftover veggie nachos) Baking, and eating not one, but two muffins, again before I was hungry. It was looking… Continue reading A Small Win – in your face Ana!→

This week, I saw something that frustrated me. It frustrated me to the point of 'borderline rage', the kind that hasn't consumed me for a long time, and the impulsivity that accompanies this. In this case, the impulsive act didn't cause much corporeal damage - I posted a long, deeply personal post via Facebook. The… Continue reading Anorexic is not an adjective→

Sometimes I count calories so meticulously I know for certain how many have gone in and out. Sometimes I eat more calories in one sitting then I could ever hope to count. Tonight is one of those nights.

I am torn between two impossible choices. I'm torn between the presence of bones and the absence. I'm torn between starvation and binge eating. I'm torn between a complete emotional breakdown or numbing out with self harm. I'm torn between plain rice cakes and fruit and vegetables or bread and cake and peanut butter. I'm… Continue reading The A-B Battle→

The first time I hurt myself I was sixteen. I used a pin, and scratched the part of my body I despised the most at the time - my hips. I blamed myself for my brother's cancer diagnosis. I blamed myself for the shouting that accompanied his move back in with my parents. I blamed… Continue reading My Self-Harm Story→

I had no idea what to write today. Most of the time, when I sit down to write, or to blog, or to journal, whatever it may be, I have a pretty clear idea of where I'm heading and what I want to achieve. Lately, everything is a mess. It's so much of a mess… Continue reading Some Things→

I'm struggling at the moment, lately, still, always, of course I am, because what else would I be doing if I wasn't struggling? The depression is back with a vengeance, anxiety tells me I'm going to die every time I catch public transport, suicidal ideation has been bad, self harm urges have been bad, the… Continue reading I don’t want things to be different, just worse→