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You may remember my ditzy Fairy Godmother from such escapades as Conference Cinderella and Fairy Nuff (Blog entry September 29, 2006).

Well she appeared again recently in response to a time of need.

This time she looked quite like a mayfly as she sat trapped in the string mesh covering a leg of ham.

“I am quite hamstrung by all these regulations”, she wailed.

“What is the problem?” I asked.

“Whatever I want to do I need a permit or a certificate or a qualification. It is just not fair! Why don’t they just let me get on with granting wishes?”

I fought the desire to say “Because you are not very good at it. Your heart is in the right place but you are just not very efficient”

“Anyway, enough about me dear! What are you wishing?”

“It’s Conference time again and I can’t afford to go”

“Well, I could turn this lettuce into a pile of money (green stuff, you know) or I could turn this bread into dough; but last time I did that I was taken into custardy (sic!) for counterfeiting. That was a sticky situation, I can tell you!”

“And now there are all the Food Handling Regulations and the Use by Dates. If you miscalculate, things can change back before the proper time. And I can’t always get the dates. It is getting harder as I get older!”

“In fact I can’t really do too much until I qualify for the Super Sparkle Wand. If you have a Super Sparkle people really take notice of you; and you can be much more effective, even if what you do is just the same as before“

“Why don’t you complete your Super Sparkle then?” I asked.

“Because while I’m doing that I would have to take time off from being your Fairy Godmother” she said with a big sigh

There I was crying into the washing up water (every…drop…counts) and thinking of the ways that situations are resolved in great works of fiction.

I need the cavalry to arrive, I thought, or the fairy godmother. Where are fairy godmothers when you need them?

The tears resolved from shimmering blobs into two small shimmering figures. One was slim and neat and perky a la Tinkerbelle and the other was rather dumpy and crumpled looking from too many nights sleeping under pillows.

“You called?” said the dumpy one. This must be my fairy godmother! “What do you wish for?”

The slender one started bouncing up and down, face beaming and sparkles cascading in all directions. “Ask for an end to poverty and famine” she said. “Oh and Wooooorld Peeeeeeace” she added, sounding just like Miss Congeniality.

“We can’t grant that” said the dumpy one. “It’s not in the FGM job description. We only do personal wish stuff.”

“No that’s not the real problem” I said. “We really need this house to be sold very soon.”

“Oh that’s easy to fix too,” said Dumpy (who I had decided by now was called Fairy Nuff – hey, she’s my FGM – I get to name her!) “We’ll do a pamphlet drop! All the postcodes from 3134 to 3138 and a few in the CBD, coz that’s where the wealthy guys hang out.”

“You can’t DO that these days, grandma!” said Slender “It’s called littering. You can only do it for parades for politicians and sports stars” (Nice to see my grandson’s FGM is environmentally aware and is concerned about the big world issues)

“Well … what else are you wishing ? Well..Wishing. Wellwishing. Wishing Well. Get it?” Dumpy started rolling around laughing at her own lame jokes until the tears ran down her face and the fat rolls on her stomach jiggled. Slender looked heavenwards and rolled her eyes.

“I would like to go to the Conference”, I said.

Now Fairy Nuff was on more familiar ground.
“You can’t go looking like that”, she said. “Bibbity bobbity boo!” and POOF! I was wearing a beautiful ball dress.

“Oh yuk, Grandma! That’s so sixties! 1460s!” said Slender.

“It’s very nice, thank you,” I said “but not exactly what we wear to Conferences”. I was thinking to myself that I might get curtains or at least a tablecloth out of the material.

“And you would have to get there. Do you have a pumpkin?”

I produced the half butternut pumpkin from the fridge.

“It’s not very big” she said. “I don’t think I’d get a coach out of that – maybe a motor scooter. Where did you say this Conference is?”

“Fremantle, Western Australia”

“Great. I’ll make you a coracle. If you start paddling now…..”

“She might get there in ten years. She needs an aeroplane,” said Slender.

“It would take a HUGE pumpkin to make a plane” said Dumpy. “Lucky the Royal Melbourne Show is on – we could get a giant one there. We’ll be back!”

Several hours later as the street lights were coming on, one yellow circle resolved into a truly huge golden pumpkin with a tiny shimmering figure on either side holding it. They were right above the road outside the kitchen window. I could hear them exhorting each other.

“Come on! We’re nearly there!”

“It’s so heavy!”

“How will we get it in the door?”

“We should make it outside.”

“What? In the middle of the road?”

“No we really should take it to the airport”

“Lilydale’s closer. There’s an aerodrome for small planes there. We could get MAF Air to give it a safety check before she flies it”

“Why didn’t you think of that before?”

“It’s SO heavy!”

“Come on. Nearly there!”

“It’s slipping…..”

“Hang on to it!”

It is a mystery why fish fall from the sky – but I now know why giant pumpkins fall!