Thursday, February 16, 2012

Dear God

Dear God,

I’m tired of hearing
myself complain. And I’m tired of being
miserable. I have been hiding from
facing the truth. It’s not that I’m not
aware of what my problems are, but it’s that I want different results without
changing anything. A part of me is happy
with my food addiction. I just hate the
results of it.

I know there is no
magic pill, or quick fix to my food addiction.
But I don’t want to do the work that is required for me to get
healthy. I did it once before, and I
don’t think I can do it again.

I am sad. I am angry.
I am hungry. I’m hungry for
something different. But I’ve been
feeding that hunger with food, instead of what I should be feeding it
with.

You.

I don’t really think
that I’ve ever had a relationship with you.
Of course, I’ve been aware of you since I was a child, going to church
with mom and dad. But the understanding
of you that I developed through my childhood and even into young adulthood is
not one of a loving caring heavenly father, but of someone who does not love me
because I’m gay.

Let me ask you God,
if you made being gay a sin, then why did you make me gay? Why did you set me up for failure right from
the start? This singular issue has been
the root of all of my problems. I
believe my struggle with homosexuality has been something that I’ve used my
addiction to food to stuff down. And
even after I went to treatment and lost weight and came out, I never really
dealt with that. I still felt like I was
wrong in your eyes.

I jumped at the
first opportunity for a relationship with a guy. I wasn’t happy in it…not truly. I did enjoy the feeling of companionship, and
having someone to be close to on an intimate level. But there were many things that I was not
happy with.

Why does it seem
like my life is in shambles most of the time?
Even when I have a job, it seems like there is always something that
makes my life chaos: car problems, money problems, job insecurity, or no job at
all. All of these are issues that I’ve
had to deal with over the past two years.

And when I lost my
most recent job at the Sushi restaurant, I truly felt like I had done nothing
wrong. I wanted to work that situation
out.

I’m rambling I know,
but I have a million thoughts in my head right now. I’m having cravings for food right now, and
I’m tempted to go out and make something to eat. I’ve also been thinking about Corey, and
Alan. I know Alan and I never got into a
relationship, but I cared about him very deeply.

I think my focus has
been on everyone or everything but You.
My life has become so negative.
I’ve just been hiding instead of doing anything about it. Even the meetings I’ve attended, I haven’t
really committed to the program in any way.
I haven’t achieved any length of abstinence. And I haven’t begun to pursue a relationship
with you.

On that issue, I’m
scared. I’m scared to start a
relationship with you, because I’m scared that I’ll have to change. And I’m scared that I’m wrong, and that if I
do what you want me to do, I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life.

Deep down, I feel
like being gay is wrong, but I don’t know if that is because of what I’ve heard
my whole life, or if that really is your will.
And that is something that I’m terrified to change, because I feel like
I won’t be happy with a woman. I’m not
physically attracted to women. At all.

And to be honest,
I’m really quite angry with you for making me that way. I never wanted to have this kind of a
struggle. It has made me feel like you
don’t love me.

On the flip side of
that statement, I acknowledge that you gave me many talents. I know that these gifts came from you, and
nowhere else. So I can’t help but feel
like you wouldn’t have given me these talents if you didn’t love me and want me
to do good with them.

But I’m getting in
my own way. My own struggles with food
and depression are keeping me from being able to use my gifts the way that I’m
sure you intended me to use them.

I am truly
lost. I do not know where to go from
here. I just want help. My thoughts have been quite scary
lately. Not in wanting to cause harm to
myself, but in wishing that I were dead.
Death would be the easy way out. And
I know that you did not give me the talents you gave me, just for them to be
wasted by a premature death.

So God, I’m begging
you...show me what you want me to do.
Guide me in your will. And please
give me strength to overcome my struggles.
I can’t do it alone. I’ve
tried. I’ve just ended up right back
where I began.

I’m praying for
strength. I’m such a weak person. People have told me I’m strong, but I’m
not. I’m so scared. I live in fear, and I don’t want to live that
way anymore. So help me, God. Please.

I want to thank you
for what you’ve done for me. Thank you
for the gifts you have given me. Help me
put them to good use by teaching me to do your will.

And God, I pray that
you will help me out of this depression.
Help me get a job so that I can have something to do with my time other
than hide. I’m sick and tired of being
sick and tired.

I fell a long time
ago, and I’ve been on the ground ever since.
But I’m ready to get back up and try again. Just give me the strength to give it another
shot.

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About Me

My name is Josh Adams. I was featured on the A&E series "Intervention" for a food addiction. After initially losing 260 lbs, I was invited to appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show. I have since struggled to keep the weight off, and over the past year I put back on about half of the weight I originally lost. This blog is the story of my journey through the struggle of food addiction and my quest to find freedom from the bondage of self one day at a time.