“Real Rappers Who Can Really Rap”

We get a lot of emails from bands. Some of these emails are shitty pitches for okay bands, and some are great pitches for shitty bands. Sometimes we get shitty pitches for shitty bands.

Believe it or not, nothing in this scene was put there ironically.

Sometimes these shitty pitches for shitty bands come from good publicists who we like. But sometimes, we get shitty pitches for shitty bands, from publicists that we do not know, who either missed or ignored the fact that we don’t really welcome submissions. For example:

E4RTH is like a big celebration, the kind that feels real good, gets a little weird, and leaves you wanting more. Bringing the party to life, E4RTH has steadily released mind bending tracks, mixtapes, and videos such as ‘GOO GET IT’, ‘ICE4GE’, and ‘ITS WHERE WE LIVE’ – all with a futuristic 420 vibe that made Magnetic Magazine say “Wrap your head around [E4RTH], readers.” If you dig huge-sounding trap beats, life affirming synths, and real rappers who can really rap check out the new video for ‘ASHEY FEET’ featuring Memphis rapper Lurrell Low.

OK, call me a journalist or something, but I felt compelled to check the one actual verifiable fact presented here. And yes, Magnetic Magazine did invite their readers to “wrap their head” around something. Not “E4RTH,” as the pitch implies, but rather the ridiculous statement of the mastermind’s inspiration. Here’s the quote with some more context: We’re told Astor got the inspiration for this new endeavor… while hunkered down in his apartment watching BBC’s Blue Planet in HD sans the TV sound in favor of the Hot97 radio station playing in the background. That and “KLF and Die Antwoord’s counter-culture pop, Robert Wilson’s avant-garde theatre, Kanye’s anthemic collaborations and Eckhart Tolle’s Neo-Spiritualism.” Wrap your head around that readers.

Yes, wrap your heads around that one indeed, dear reader. You should be able to though, do you want to know why? Because the music here is all mind bending. Meaning, it bends your mind. Not just occasionally, but it’s like every thing this band does literally bends your brain, it’s that fucking good. One listen and you should be able to wrap your gooey, floppy new brain around pretty much anything.

If you really like smoking marijuana, you and only you will be able to decipher the secret code “420” that lets you know that these guys all do lots of drugs. And these guys do their drugs the way we’ll all do our drugs in the future.

Like trap beats? Well, these trap beats sound fuck in’ huge. Very large. Like, the laptop must be the size of a Prius.

The synths are life affirming. You literally hear the synth, and you instantly realize that everything is going to be fine. Your bills, your STDs, your character defects, none of it is going to bring you down. Art school student loans? Santa Monica parking tickets? That 16 year old who might be pregnant now? Fuck it. It’s all good, just listen to that synth. That synth has a plan for your life. One love. And it is that synth.

Sick of fake rappers that rap fake? None here buddy. This is the real deal, for people that like real rappers. Who can really rap. Seriously, this pitch actually says “real rappers who can really rap.” We have writers who are straight-up illiterate. We’ve got writers still in high school. We’ve got writers whose native language isn’t even English. None of them would ever say anything like that, even accidentally. Unless they were reporting on a new Portugal. The Man song or something.

Here is the conversation I had with Johnny after receiving this pitch:

Skwerl: sometimes i feel like starting a worst band pitches sectionSkwerl: especially since we don’t ask for themSkwerl: could be good for traffic while pissing off tons of nice peopleJohnny: yeah I dont think that’s worth itJohnny: cause it’s not like only shitty publicists push shitty bandsJohnny: that would burn a lot of bridges fastSkwerl: well, when i feel inspired it’s after getting something from some no name jackassJohnny: welcome to every day of my lifeJohnny: literally, i dont even engage the fuckers anymoreSkwerl: yeah i sure don’t. i dunno. forwarded you a ripe oneJohnny: oh my godJohnny: holy shit did you click that videoSkwerl: of course not are you crazySkwerl: i lost it at real rappers that can rapJohnny: just watch 15 secondsJohnny: yeah so scratch what i said

Drugs will do this to you in the future.

This video makes everything like 4,000 times more hilarious. The pitch is signed “Peace & Love,” and the video opens with this retarded pothead rambling on about how we’re all just life and energy and rainbows and shit, but every other word is “fuck” and he’s standing in front of a goddamn motherfucking Lamborghini. Yo dude, if we’re all, like, fuck, one universal life and shit, let me borrow that car. Oh, I can’t? Because it’s CGI and you’re actually standing in front of a green screen.

Slutty space rabbits love real rappers and nice cars.

Try and imagine what it must have been like to make this video in real life. Picture this guy in a Superman pose on a fucking barstool in front of a green screen, swimming in air. Picture him just smiling at the camera and dancing around like a white guy to a beat that isn’t really trap, that doesn’t really sound very big at all. Picture him not really real rapping in front of a blank wall, while some poor asshole is standing behind a camera, carefully filming it all after getting the white balance just right. With everyone in the room all super high on future space weed.

At this point, I don’t even feel bad for making fun of these guys, because they must be having a fucking blast, and I just wrote 1,000 words more than anyone ever should about their absolutely terrible music.

Kevin "Skwerl" Cogill was taught programming by his Mother's pot dealer at age ten. His career in music started with a New Jersey ticket scalping agency at fourteen, followed by graphic design gigs after graduating trade school in 1998. In 2003, he moved from Philadelphia to Los Angeles to escape warrants, only to be arrested by the FBI for leaking 'Chinese Democracy.'