Friday, 25 March 2011

Ten Other Comics Waiting for an XXX Porn Adaptation

Apparently if you put the words “an xxx porn parody” after something, you aren’t infringing any copyrights whatsoever. That is, according to the porn industry, which has recently made films as diverse as “Seinfeld: An XXX Parody” to “The Office: An XXX Parody” (sadly, no Ricky Gervais cameo) in an attempt to fight back against the evil anonymous force of the internet, which has stolen all their viewers. The most recent properties to be ‘flattered’ with a porn parody have all been comic-books, however, which is odd and interesting and also really weird. There has been a Batman one, a Superman one, and next on the list will be an Incredible Hulk one. Which, that’s a terrifying thought if they’re hoping to put that onto the big screen.

Well, we here at Wilftonville have never been afraid to help an underdog, so we’ve picked out ten other comics we think could make for bestselling porn films. You’re welcome, porn industry! Now, try to stop exploiting and degrading women so often, yeah?

1. Fables

Fables takes all the most well-known fairytale characters and sets them in contemporary New York, living as a community. Characters like Prince Charming, Rapunzel and Pinocchio all live in the same area, with Cinderella running the local shoe shop. Obviously! The series sees the characters try to keep their community safe from the outside world, whilst bickering and getting into scrapes with each other. This isn’t for kids, either – there’s regular violence and swearing. Goldilocks, in particular, has a fierce potty mouth. The series would be great for porn because the main relationship is between Snow White and Bigby Wolf (the Big Bad Wolf, now in human form). The porn industry has forgotten its roots – weirdos. Get a guy to wear a wolf costume, get a girl to put on a princess gown, and watch as the hits rack up from disturbing people who live near zoos and enjoy walking in forests. “Furries” are out there, I’ve read the Wikipedia page about them. Appeal to that market, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time, porn industry!

2. Doctor Doom

Marvel and DC comics have both experimented before with letting their villains take centre stage, with Dark Reign and the One Year Gap respectively. Both times, this proved to be a success, as comic-book fans like the villains just as much (if not more, sometimes) than the heroes. And who is more popular a villain than Doctor Doom? One of the worries with porn is that men will turn off if the male lead looks either too handsome, not handsome enough, or the wrong race (hey, I’m just repeating what the market research said). Doctor Doom wears a mask. PROBLEM SOLVED! The paranoid, bisexual, and racist demographics all sync into perfect harmony!

3. Tamara Drew

Basically already been done, this. Heyyyyyyyyy, Gemma Arterton!

4. The Invisibles

See, the only people who will find this idea funny are people who have read The Invisibles. We’re narrowing down our demographic! Seriously, though, google up images of the team of look them up on Wikipedia. This would make for a terrifying porno.

5. The Flash

See, I’m getting things back on track with a joke everyone can understand. The sex scenes… would not last long.

6. Phonogram

A series set in Britain, Phonogram centres on a re-evaluation of the Brit-Pop scene of the nineties, with a main character who spends several issues trying to work out the appeal of bands like Echobelly and hanging around in clubs where he might meet female Manic Street Preachers fans. If the XXX parody wants to stay close to the original, it’s best that it all be filmed in black and white, and feature a scene in which Damon Albarn looks on in nonchalant disinterest as the reanimated spirit of Britannia gets it on with a coked-up Kenickie fan. We imagine this would be a very popular film with hipsters and readers of The AV Club.

7. Hellboy

Never mind that the three main males are a big red demon, a fish creature, and the ghostly essence of Johann Kraus, and the main female character is unable to control her ability to light herself on fire. I’m sure we could invent some supporting characters who can have sex in-between scenes of Hellboy shooting monsters and chain-smoking.

8. The Walking Dead

Could be gross. Don’t get carried away, scriptwriters.

9. Animal Man

As the film goes on, the main character becomes more and more aware of the fact that he is in a porn film, and eventually tries to escape through the television screen.