Saturday, December 26, 2009

With something very odd to share...also, it's ok to chuckle at the pathetic chart. Pretty much no temping until ewcm appears.

So yeah, O'd on December 23rd. Crappy timing with the only BDing being on the evening of the 21st. I don't really have high expectations because of that. Except that...wait for it...my one and only pregnancy (that ended around 9 weeks thanks to fetal bradycardia) was as a result of ovulation on December 23rd, 2007 with BDing on the 21st. I'm still kind of shocked. What weird, weird, wonderful timing. I really feel like this is some sort of sign. A little keep your chin up lesson. It of course makes me miss that little one so much but I don't know, it feels like it was a little gift. Whatever it was, I'll take it!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I woke up at 4am with an epic migraine. It's a horrible way to be awoken. It's so confusing. I felt like I'd been shot in the brain. I stumbled to the bathroom and took the only thing that works on my migraines. Dilaudid. Morphine. I managed to get back to sleep but woke up every half hour groaning in pain. Joe slept through it all. I got up and called my parents to tell them that I wouldn't be able to make it to Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner. Sad face here. I was throwing up by that point though so it was for the best. When Joe finally woke up and I filled him in, he said the dreaded words. "Maybe it's a pregnancy symptom." It broke my heart. I just muttered that he shouldn't get his hopes up and pulled my sleep mask on so he couldn't see my tears...He doesn't deserve this. I'm the broken one.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I think I've finally come back down to earth. It's still hard to put the experience into words though.The 2 Seattle shows were great. Good set lists and good seats. I did a lot of shopping and ate a lot of good food. It wasn't a relaxing trip but I don't know what I was expecting of 3 shows in 5 days.We had amazing travel luck. We drove onto the ferry both ways and had really smooth border crossings, no more than a 15 minute wait each time.

I need to explain the way PJ's fan club ticketing works. When you join the Ten Club you're given a fan club number. Tickets are then allocated by number and seniority except for rows 1, 2, 9 and 10 which are randomly assigned. A ticket lottery. You don't know where you are sitting until the day of the show when you pick up your tickets. It stops scalping tickets so I'm cool with it. Anyways, we have a fan club number that's about average. We usually end up sitting in the first few rows beside the stage. So in the wings, the closest section to the stage. This is where we were in Seattle. In Vancouver though...wow. We walk up and I show my ID and they hand me my little envelope. I moved off to the side and peeked at them. This is what I see:Yes, that says FLR, Row 2. I'll be honest, I freaked the fuck out. I gasp and immediately and hissed at Joe, "We won the lottery!" He thought I was joking. I showed him and we just stared at the tickets stunned. Then we went to FatBurger and talked about how amazing our trip had been. The phrase, "Everything is coming up Sandree (Joe's nickname for me)," was uttered a lot that evening. It was a blast. And I have pics to prove it!

Ben Harper opened.

This is one of my favourite pictures. Eddie saw me taking his picture and about a half second after I snapped this, he flashy me a goofy, toothy grin. I think he would have said cheese had he not been singing!

Here's my artsy shot. It makes a great desktop wallpaper. Ask me how I know :)

Another holy crap Eddie is looking at me pic:

Jeff and Mike:

Look how close I was to Eddie!

Full band:

And finally, a compilation of the video I took. The sound is a bit muddy in the beginning but it gets better as it goes along.

It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I would love a repeat!

I've ovulated 4 times since March. That's insane for me. Prior to this year, I have only O'd 4 times in the last 3 years. With the help of an RE! Once he gave up on me, everything started to fall into place. The only down side is that this month I used the last of my Clomid prescription. Hopefully I won't need it again, right?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Had a 10 day LP. Short but not surprising given all of the spotting.Guess I'll try 150mg of Clomid again. Why not, right?I'm not super upset since I know a pregnancy couldn't have ended well given all of the bleeding.

Pearl Jam road trip starts in 3 days. 3 shows in 5 days and a week off work. Really looking forward to it!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Nothing much to report. I had some weird cramping on 5 and 6dpo but other than that, not much. Still spotting but very lightly now. Had a bit of an upset stomach last week but I usually do when my progesterone starts to rise.So now we wait...

For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to go back and read our baby blog. Our pregnancy blog. And now I'm sobbing. I started at the beginning and read up. It goes from such excitement and joy to uncertainty and worry to utter heartbreak. Sigh.

I've just been so, so busy. Acting assignments at work are keeping me hopping. I'm looking forward to being able to go back to jeans/capris and tees and my regular desk. Dressing up and ironing is for squares. Big time.

So I'm doing another Clomid cycle now. Just for the hell of it. I have the drugs and don't need to be monitored so why not? I will be super happy when/if my period finally leaves. It's been 6 weeks since the spotting started. I'm over it. So yeah, Clomid. It's never worked in the past but I just can't get myself to give up...trying to accept infertility. It's not going well.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

My new nephew was born today. I came to a good (to me) conclusion at the hospital though. I have no sadness/jelousness/issues with babies at all. Just pregnant bellies. It must be that I've never had my baby in my arms so I can't miss it. I have been pregnant though and miss that terribly.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My sister is currently 2 days overdue with her second. Another boy.She apparently has PCOS too…guess no one told her ovaries.I wonder how I'm going to cope with the new baby post-miscarriage.I'm scared.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Last weekend, my husband and I went to the Vancouver No Doubt concert. We see a fair amount of concerts, it's one of our favourite things to do. It's usually pretty expensive since we have the cost of ferry, hotel and food. We almost always take an extra day and drive across the border so that Joe can get his US fix (he's American, I'm Canadian) so that also adds to the expense.

Anyways, I was telling my work friends that before the concert we met Gavin Rossdale. Well, Joe did, I looked at him and ran away since I'm shy about things like that. My friends were all squealy and asked if he's as hot as he is in pictures. When I said yes (although he always looks like he needs to wash his hair to me), they both said that they're totally jealous of my jet-setting, famous people meeting, multiple yearly vacations kind of life. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. They both know that I would give this life up in a heartbeat if I could have the life they do. I don't know why people keep insisting that our life is great with nothing to tie us down and total freedom to do the things we want. I'm 30 fricking years old, I've been living the life of freedom for like 11 years. It gets old. Sure it's fun sometimes, but it's also empty. Still just the two of us. Will it always be just the two of us?

I'm depressing myself. I do that a lot. I'll post concert videos to cheer myself up.

No Doubt finale of Stand and Deliver (Adam and the Ants) with Bedouin Soundclash and Paramore:

2006 Pearl Jam at the Gorge in George, Washington. It's the most amazing venue ever. I took this pic:

2 back to back shows. 118 degrees at 11pm. It was insane. We got to hear Dirty Frank though, the first time it had been played since 1994. I heart PJ so much.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Just read a blog post of a friend (like IRL friend) that left me scratching my head.They are a lesbian couple that tried *forever* to get pregnant. Read: like 5 months and it happened "naturally," if you know what I mean.

They are now 7ish weeks pregnant. She posted pictures of the in-progress nursery painting and the arrival of the crib.

Oh to be that happy and carefree. I want a pregnancy like that please.

That girl was smart and fun, happy and hopeful, dedicated and hardworking. The girl I am now is not very many of those things. Smart, sure, I guess. Dedicated to my family and my career, yes. Otherwise, I'm just a shell of that girl.

My life now is on autopilot. I try to stay positive but I almost always fail. I get up and go to work, exhaust myself and come home and stare at the tv. I interact with my great husband for a few hours and then go to bed, hoping that I'll sleep instead of think. Despite the 3 sleeping medications that I take every night, I rarely sleep. Too much to obsess, worry and stress about. Too many little hurts that the universe has thrown at me that day. Too many pregnant bellies brushing past me on the sidewalk. Too many inattentive Moms ignoring their kids while texting in the grocery story checkout line. Too many attempts by well meaning friends that end up stinging even more. Too many of everything, all at once.

How do you accept being childless when it's all you've ever dreamed of? How do you get to that point? I have no idea. People keep asking if we're going to start the adoption process. I can't even get myself to the point that I can think about it. I can't accept that this is the end. Will I ever be able to? It sure doesn't feel like it. I say that I'm out of hope but there's that tiny part of me that is hoping for a miracle. Will it always be there? Will I ever be able to move on and make a life for myself that is tolerable, if not enjoyable??

I feel like everyone is tired of my misery. Yeah, me too. I can't even write about it on my regular blog because it just sounds so damn whiney. Believe me, I know. I also have a really hard time with my husband reading about it. I know he's devastated too and I try really hard for it to not always be about me and my hurt. I don't know if I'm successful at that but I try. I would try anything for him. He would just be a fabulous Dad. Thanks defective body, 2 dreams ruined.

About Me

30 years old.
Married for 9 years.
PCOS caused infertility.
One pregnancy lost due to fetal bradycardia.
Closing in on the 4 year trying to conceive mark.
Totally out of options and hope.
I'm having a hard time accepting that this is the end.