Savage Love

I’m having an issue with my boyfriend, and I don’t know if I am the crazy, paranoid, controlling party here. We have been together for more than a year and a half. We had troubles early on because he has a low sex drive. It made me very insecure, and I think that’s why, at the time, I became extremely jealous of his friendship with his very attractive intern. I fully owned up to my irrational jealousy and decided on my own that it was my responsibility to overcome that. She eventually stopped working with him, and they haven’t been in contact for over sex months.

Perhaps you’re not the best person to ask, being a cis white man, but as a queer woman of color, the election had an extremely detrimental effect on my relationships with my white partners. I love and care for them, but looking at those results has me wondering why the fuck they didn’t do better in reaching out to their shitty relatives? I’m sick of living at the whim of white America. I’m aware this is the blame stage of processing, but it’s left me unable to orgasm with my white partners.

I’m a 37-year-old gay man who just got out of an abusive relationship. We were together five years, moved to Portland together, got married three years ago, yada, yada, yada. He suffered a traumatic injury earlier this year, which led to PTSD, which led to a nervous breakdown, which led to our savings being depleted, which led him to leave me in October. He moved back to the other side of the country, and I’m broke and on my own in a strange city.

My boyfriend of almost two years is wonderful, and we have had very few issues. But there is one thing that has almost been a deal breaker. He fiddles with his penis almost constantly—in front of me and in front of our roommates. I’ve confronted him about it a number of times. He said he should be able to fiddle with his dick in every room of the house if he wants to and he should feel comfortable doing so. I told him that he is being “comfortable” at the expense of the comfort of those around him.

I’m a very sex-positive girl and I finally convinced my boyfriend to open up about his fetishes. I could tell he was ashamed and torn about sharing them with me, but I’ve been with my fair share of guys and surfed the net for years, and I was convinced nothing would shock me. Well, it turns out he’s into soft vore. I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit put off, but of course I didn’t tell him. I started looking for information about his fetish, and it’s not as uncommon as I thought.

I’m a longtime fan—reader and listener—and part of the 47 percent of white women who did NOT vote for Donald Trump. To say I’m disappointed, horrified, scared, and mad about the election is woefully insufficient. I donated $100 to Planned Parenthood this morning because I honestly felt like there was nothing else I could do. That being said, I wanted to share that I had one of the most weirdly charged, hottest, and sexiest orgasms. A little buzzed (dealing with those election results) and sad, my boyfriend and I turned to each other for consolation.

I’m a 41-year-old male who looks like the tall, strong, professional, alpha-male type on the outside. On the inside, though, I would like to find a strong, confident woman who wants a cuckolding relationship—she sleeps with other men, while I am faithful and submissive to her. There must be women out there who would love to have a loving, doting boyfriend or husband waiting at home while they go out with other men, but I tend to attract women who want the alpha-male type. What can I do to find—or attract—the kind of woman I’m interested in?

I love my wife, but I have a lot of resentment, disappointment, and insecurity over our sex life. After four years of marriage, huge angst remains that I have yet to get a handle on. Right now, with kids and our busy lives, she’s content with sex once a week or so, and I need relief pretty much every night to help with my insomnia. What’s more, I really don’t enjoy porn at all, but if we aren’t having intercourse, there’s pretty much no other way for me to get off.

Waiting to pay for my groceries at the market this evening, this guy, stinking of booze, says to my 9-year-old daughter, “Sweetheart, can you put the divider thing there for me?” First, why is some leering grown man calling my child “sweetheart”? He then thumps two huge bottles of vodka down on the belt. I move closer to my daughter; he then reaches his hand over me and wraps his hand around her arm, saying, “Now, you be nice to your Mommy, sweetie.” I pluck his hand off. “Do not touch my child,” I say.

I’m 64 years young, a musician, chubby, full head of hair, no Viagra needed, no alcohol, I don’t mind if you drink, smoker, yes I am. I am also faithful, loyal, and single for five years. No health issues, nada, zero, zilch. Not gay, not prejudiced against gays, pro-woman, Democrat, MASCULINE. Except I only like the younger women and women without tattoos. And I like them FEMININE. Ladies my age are a shopping bag of issues with children and ex-hubbies. NO THANK YOU. So what’s my problem? Young women see me as an old gizzard. I am not ugly, and I look younger than 64.

A question on your favorite topic, Dan. Just kidding, it’s a question about my vagina. I’m having a problem with the microbiome of my vulva and vagina. I’ve been going to my gyno for the last six months for recurrent bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections. She shrugs, gives me a script, the symptoms go away for a week or so, then they come back. I understand the infections are likely due to an imbalance in my vaginal pH, but I don’t know what to do to fix this.

I’m a guy, 35, and a cheating piece of shit. I’m engaged to a woman I love, but earlier this year I cheated on her. I have no excuse. She discovered the dating app I used, and we worked through that. But she doesn’t know that shortly after her discovery, I went ahead and cheated. To my meager, meager credit, I did seek out only women who were looking for NSA hookups. But I quickly came to realize how big of a mistake this was, how much I love my fiancée, and that I’m a shitty person.

I’m a 27-year-old straight male and a high-school teacher held to a strict code. I left my fiancée in June and haven’t had sex since. Needless to say, I’m really horny. I’m also in that weird in-between age where I’m not comfortable hanging out at college bars but I’m also a bit younger than most of the women in other bars. But when I scour dating apps, I see profiles of women ages 18 to 22—women who, for all I know, could have been students at my school.

I’m a woman who watches porn—we do exist—and I have a mad crush on a male porn star named Small Hands. Unfortunately, his videos focus less on his handsome face and more on some girl’s ass. Do! Not! Want! Is there a way to ask a porn star to please make a few movies in a certain way? I would like to see some movies that feature less of her and more of him!

My husband left the picture recently, and I’m now a single mom supporting an infant in Toronto. I work a retail job and am drowning financially. I hooked up with a guy I met on Tinder, and I didn’t warn him that I’m still nursing because I didn’t even think of it. Luckily, he really got off on it—so I was spared the awkwardness of “Eww, what is coming out of your tits?!” Afterward, he joked about there being a market for lactating women in the kink world. My questions: If I find someone who will pay me to suckle my milk, is that prostitution?

I have been seeing sex workers for 30 years, and I shudder to think how shitty my life would have been without them. Some have become friends, but I’ve appreciated all of them. Negative stereotypes about guys like me are not fair, but sex work does have its problems. Some clients (including females) are difficult—difficult clients aren’t typically violent; more often they’re inconsiderate and demanding. Clients need to understand that all people have limits and feelings, and money doesn’t change that.

DEAR READERS: I’m on vacation for three weeks—but you won’t be reading old columns in my absence, and you won’t be reading columns by anyone who isn’t Dan Savage. You’ll be reading new columns, all of them written by Dan Savage, none of them written by me.

DEAR READERS: I’m on vacation for the next three weeks—but you won’t be reading old columns while I’m away. You’ll be getting a new column every week, all of them written by Dan Savage, none of them written by me.

I’m 28 years old and live in the Midwest. I’m intersex, but I identify as female. I am not out about being born intersex. Due to surgeries and hormones, I look like a fairly attractive female. I have been hanging out with a chill hetero guy, and things are getting very flirty. Is it unethical of me to not disclose my intersex-ness to him?

I’m sorry if my English is wrong. I’m writing from Germany, where I am being heartbroken and not knowing how to go on. I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and slowly falling in love with him. “Peter” has always been very open to me about himself, his failed relationships, and his commitment issues. He talks frequently about his ex-boyfriend from five years ago and how being left created a deep fear of being left once again. He also had a relationship that ended a year ago.

I’m in my mid-40s, straight, never married. Ten months ago, my girlfriend of three years dumped me. She got bored with the relationship and is generally not the marrying type. The breakup was amicable. I still love her and miss her. Last week, I wrote her a letter saying that I still love her and want us to get back together. She wrote me a nice letter back saying she doesn’t feel passion for me and we’re never getting back together. Over the past few months, I’ve started dating another girl. She’s pretty, smart, sexy, and kind.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and in a committed (I assumed) relationship for 17 years. Sex between us (often kinky) has always been great. We have a wonderful life together and two perfect children. I thought we were good; turns out things were too good to be true. I learned recently that my wife has been unfaithful to me throughout our marriage. She began an affair with an older man soon before we were married, and they were physically intimate for five years, including bondage and a Master/sub relationship.