Wednesday, May 13, 2015

What if it makes me happy?

So as I have mentioned before I may have a slight comparison problem. I tend to think everyone's grass is greener. I have found a pattern in my life recently that is sabotaging myself. Sometimes I find things that make me happy, quirky things, not life important things. For example, I think sometimes I was born for the wrong era, I love the housewifey stuff of the 50s and even some of the 1800s stuff. I wish I lived in a time that kind of lifestyle was what most people were doing. What I realized in this line of thought was I wish this is what was expected of me and looked at as doing life "right" which to some people it is, but then I start thinking about all the other things I "should" be doing. I "should" have started a great career by now, I mean I worked dang hard for that degree and am still paying for it, while making no income. Acting the part makes me feel different and then I worry that I am not being a good role model to my girls as the woman who can make her way. I worry that people think I am lazy or weird.....note the pattern worry worry worry.....eventually that worry makes me tell myself I am not living in reality. I try to change things, I start to look for a job, consider sending the kids back to school, give the kids more frozen waffles... I look in the mirror and decide that I don't look pretty enough and so the cycle begins, I drive myself crazy seeking "the new me" only to find that nothing else is working and nothing is me. Then eventually I give up go on a cleaning and cooking binge, put my skirt back on and get back to me. Being that homemaker lady makes me feel at peace, it makes me feel whole. When I try to run away from that and be what I think would be most acceptable to most people I get so stressed. And the kicker is ..... no one cares.... honestly no one is losing sleep over how I spend my days, this is all my imagination and selfishness at that! I need to let go of these 16 year old feelings! Anyway all of this has made me realize that 1. I have some anxiety issues (although i knew that) and 2. I feel like my life choices have to please everyone but me. I spend way too much time worrying if who I am is different, offensive, irritating.... and the older I get the more tired I get of caring. This is me...like it or not....I am not an extrovert, I don't like a busy life away from my family, I like to cook cookies and cakes and things that are so bad for us but bring smiles, I like hanging out with my husband even after 20 years, yep I am that needy wife, I believe God is leading me and that following Him is my number one priority. That's me like it or not.