British vs. Yiddish

On my first trip to Britain, even though I spoke the same language, I felt very different.

On my home turf, I’ve been “shushed” – on occasion. On the other side of the Pond, I’ve gotten, “Talk, luv! Delightful!” Blaming it on the noonday sun, I boldly blabbered forth, kvelling from the “haw haws” and never questioned. Hey, my bubbe always said, I was ‘a pistol.’”

Until that visit to the Earl’s house. (Not “Earl” the name, “Earl” as in “Duke of” except he was the real thing.) We were invited for the weekendto this Earl’s home-- on 2,000 acres. I was there only one day, when the Earl asked in his “chums,” who wanted to sit next to me and twelve shabby-chic nobles tripped over their Wellies for the honor.

In a British version of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner,” it was me -the Jewish New Yawkah.

OK, Why? (Even I realized I wasn’t that much of a “pistol.”) My British-born husband enlightened me.

“Well, maybe it was the fact that in a 500 year-old stately home you looked for the thermostat – and the closet. Or, you called the Scotch salmon ‘lox’ and told your Jewish pate joke. Or, when the Earl suggested you put on your ‘boots’ to chop branches, you wore your Oldman’s with the stiletto heels. Or last night, when the game warden of Kenya clucked about the heartbreak of rhino horn poaching, you did 10 minutes on Israeli bonds. Or –”

I got it.

In a British version of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner,” it was me. “The Jewish New Yawkah.” Like Roswell aliens, while the British have heard we exist, to actually capture one and hear “it” was a coup worthy of a place in the Guinness Book of Social Oddities.

Fortunately for you, dear readers, I also came away with a few insights of my own. And as a public service, as always, I share them with you now…

TOP FIVE: BRITISH VS. YIDDISH

1- Emotional Displays:

British: Any sound above 10 decibels, e.g.: “You’re tearing my heart out!” may: a) appear to be making a “fuss;” b) reflect badly on the Queen, the BBC, and/or the prior war effort.

Yiddish: Any sound below 10 decibels is strictly reserved for health questions, as in “A headache?! Pssst. It could be an early warning sign.” Otherwise, making a tumult reminds family, friends, and those in nearby cities how much we care. True, our kishkes may churn, but bile-ratios are maintained through a regular diet of Maalox.

Examples:

Your progeny drops out of University to join a mime troop

British:

“This is a bit of a mess.”

Yiddish:

“Our name will be blackened for all eternity!!”

Your husband got a big promotion.

British:

“A carnation suits you.”

Yiddish:

“You call the cousins in Boca and Great Neck! I’ll hold for Tel Aviv!!”

2- Climate Control

British: God made temperature to be endured. Therefore, any attempt to change, alter, or futz with thermostats is not only anti-Nature, but unpatriotic. If the Queen can “muddle through” shivering and shvitzing, the least one can do is quake in front of an exposed uni-directional non-functional radiator. One drawback is the unfortunate scalding of house pets.

Yiddish: Like a finely tuned Stradivarius, weare finely tuned to an indoor/outdoor temperature of exactly 74 degrees. At 76, you’ll hear, “Turn on the air before I chalosh!” At 73 degrees? “You feel that draft on my neck! Pneumonia, I’ll get!” We believe that if God didn’t want us to have central air, we’d all be lizards.

3- Homes

British: Style: “Camouflage.” Brits have spent a century perfecting 20 million indistinguishable, semi-detached “clone homes” – with net curtains – where the average Brit can bask in The BBS (Basic British Style) of complete anonymity. “New” as in ventilation, built-in closets, lights, loos that flush, fridges above two feet, are deemed “jarring” and cause Brit-trauma. However, furnishings are “delightfully” jarring. Orange sofas, pastel rose wallpaper, curtains with zigzags, may induce car sickness, but nevertheless pay homage to the “post-War shortage.”

Exception: Lawns. The British are gaga over grass. Dressed in bionic gloves, chainsaw helmets, and body warmers, they mow, hoe, prune, weed, seed and will trek 30 miles to see a mutant dandelion.

Yiddish: Style: “Gutting.” As no house can truly reflect “us,” we look for potential, then hire Gentiles to break down, build, and move walls and ceilings. Our MBA (Minimum Basic Accouterments) includes central air, microwave, sub-zero fridge, blue washer-dryers, garbage disposals, air purifiers, and the right decorator who can feng shui – in tan. We don’t garden. We landscape, then point at it through our hermetically sealed, Country French sliding doors – in tan.

4-Food

British: In my experience, the British studiously avoid any food that, when taken together, as in a meal: a) sounds/tastes good; b) consists of more than two food groups, one being an internal organ; c) has a visible filling beyond a cucumber. Much like coal, food is fuel to ward off rising damp (their walls shvitz from the chill) which is why traditional fare includes: glutinous porridge, tripe, yeast paste, toad in the hole, and 50 varieties of blood sausage. Needless to say, they use a lot of brown sauce.

Exception: Starting at birth, the average Brit consumes more chocolate than Switzerland. This does not help their dental hygiene.

Yiddish: Food is love. Therefore, the more food, the more love. We Jews are suspicious of any food when taken together, as in a meal that: a) consists of fewer than five food groups (batampte, gezunta, you can plotz from it, enough already, Alka Seltzer); b) can’t feed the Jewish population of Uruguay (should they drop in). As such, Jews are very involved with stuffing. Whether kreplach, kugel, gefilte fish, holishkes, or corned beef on rye, our stuffing, must be high, filling, and like love, be kishke-friendly.

5- The “Kinder”

British: Brit-parents take what they get. Any attempt to correct, say, crooked teeth, a crossed-eye, ears like satellite dishes, is fooling with Mother Nature. If however, a child can say, “Please, ma’am may I be excused?” without a glottal stop, and knows how to use a fish knife, no one will notice his ears are waving in planes.

Yiddish: Jewish parents believe in being pro-active! Should, heaven forbid, a child come into the world with a bissel shloomp, hump, weakish chin, or unsightly mole, the caring Yiddishe parent, after holding a small conference with the medical staff of Mt. Sinai, will spring into action and lop. After all, even the smallest pilke could lead to play group ostracization, which could severely compromise the kinder’s self-image, and eventually lead to career in manual labor.

There you have it. Proof positive that if America and Britain are two nations divided by a common language, the Yiddish and British are separated by a DNA divide that would confound Darwin.

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About the Author

Quirky, no-nonsense, funny, Marnie – writer, editor, author, lecturer, clinician, and administrator -- is a straight-shooter, who has a distinctive voice and takes on the world in her columns, features, and books. Her advice column was syndicated through Tribune Media Services, and it currently appears in Singular magazine as Singular Solutions. Marnie has written over 20 books/calendars, including the series “A Little Joy, A Little Oy." Her books include Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother and A Little Joy, A Little Oy (pub. AndrewsMcMeel). She is also an award-winning “calendar queen” having written over 20. She has been nominated for both an Emmy and Writers Guild award.Thefullwiki.org has listed Marnie Macauley on their list of top Jewish_American writers, dead or living. (She’s still deciding which.) She was also chosen as a Distinguished Woman in Las Vegas in March of 2014.

Reminds me of when I worked as a pharmaceutical rep in New York City. One of my accounts was The Mt Sinai Hospital/Medical School. In the 1980's, there were several departmental chairmen and other high ranking staff who were from the UK. The often heard joke in the corridors was, that in order to succeed at Sinai, one must "think Yiddish but speak British."

(9)
Joyce Sand,
February 23, 2011 1:08 AM

Observation on etiquette

When leaving a party: The British leave and don't say goodbye while the Yiddish say goodbye and don't leave.

Very entertaining article - touches on the stereotypically humorous slices of both sides - the point being: "never the twain shall meet"? I agree with the DNA-Darwinian comment at the end of the article - 't'is true, the differences between and betwixt are humongous.

(6)
Kathleen,
February 22, 2011 5:18 PM

Very entertaining article.

I would like to know the Jewish pate joke.

(5)
Frank Adam,
February 22, 2011 4:46 PM

What was the "Revolutionary War" about then?

Just remember the George Bernard Shaw jibe that Britian and America are separated by a common language.
One good reason for the divorce was the geographical distance and diffence, and with so many divorcees about nowadays people do develop differently - often before the split so explaining it.

(4)
Ilan Braun,
February 21, 2011 6:50 PM

the English language

Well, I am not sure that the Brits enjoy the Yiddish difference but there is another problem to confront while over there: how do you communicate with such people who only use their tribal English dialect?

(3)
Benjamin Lefkowitz,
February 21, 2011 5:13 PM

oh marnie, i should send this to all my anglophile friends--once i stop laughing. and on a serious note, you also picked up on the 'genteel' anti-semitism that lurks below (and sometimes not below) the surface in parts of british society. yasher koach

(2)
Chai,
February 21, 2011 10:15 AM

LOL!

Such a sweet & funny article!

(1)
Shuli,
February 21, 2011 2:10 AM

very funny!

loved this! my husband is a Brit, and I really got a kick out of your hysterical observations!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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