Ted Cruz Gets 8 PM Friday Slot At Trump Convention; World Expected To End By 8:30

CLEVELAND, OH – To the crushing disappointment of many who actually believed Ted Cruz to be someone who “would never endorse someone like Donald Trump for President,” Ted Cruz has been confirmed as a keynote speaker in a prime time slot at the GOP Trump convention in Cleveland later this month.

“I cannot yet confirm that Senator Cruz will actually be endorsing Mr. Trump,” explained Priebus while winking and nodding in an exaggerated fashion while trying to maintain composure and keep from laughing. “But it’s important to note that we don’t really tend to give out prime time convention slots to folks who are going to do anything but that sort of thing.”