Monday Watch List: Bachelorettes! Drunks! Marathons!

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and recover from everything you ate for Fourth of July yesterday: hot dogs, sausages, hamburgers, chips, chicken, steak, corn, hot fudge sundaes, that gallon of beef suet you chugged whole. It will not be a good day for your intestinal tract. LET’S GO!

THE BACHELORETTE – 8:00PM (ABC)Tonight Ali and the guys jet over to Portugal, adding to their worldwide tour that has thus far included Iceland and Turkey. These reality show folks have now been to more exotic countries than I have, and I do not like it. Part of the fun of watching a show like this is knowing how much more cultured I am than these people. YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY APPRECIATE LISBON THE WAY I WOULD, YOU POND SCUM! Anyway, Ali’s job tonight is to pick four dudes she likes the most, so she can go visit each of their respective hometowns. Given the itinerary thus far, I can only assume those hometowns include Monte Carlo, Tel Aviv, Melbourne, and Anguilla. Even Bond doesn’t get to travel this much.

And let’s give ABC a huge round of applause for figuring out a way to stretch this show into TWO hours every freakin’ week. Two hours! You could watch “Casablanca” 1 1/3 times in the time it takes Ali to banish some dude. It’s not easy to pad a reality show this much. It takes careful planning, along with spending the first five minutes of every segment recapping what happened in the previous segment, and the last five minutes of every segment previewing what’s ahead in the next segment. It takes real skill to waste viewer’s time like that. ANTICIPATION: OBRIGADO!

MAD MEN MARATHON – 8:00PM (AMC) If you haven’t become hooked on “Mad Men” yet, just tune in this evening and prepare yourself. It starts at the very beginning of season one. And just like that, you suddenly find yourself immersed in the continuing story of a man who has seemingly mastered the art of pitching everything, most critically his own brazen lies. Season 4 can’t come soon enough. ANTICIPATION: ADULTERY!

INTERVENTION – 9:00PM (A&E) It’s a whole new season of the harrowing reality show, one of TV’s absolute best. Tonight’s episode concerns Adam, a former top skier and Marine who becomes an alcoholic. What happened to you, man? It used to be about the SNOW. ANTICIPATION: SAD!

OBSESSED – 10:00PM (A&E) Another season premiere. Tonight’s episode focuses on a woman who is in constant fear her daughter will be kidnapped or killed. Wait a second. Isn’t this pretty much the mentality of ANYONE with a daughter? I have one, and I know I spend 13 hours every day worried that she’ll be kidnapped or run over by a bus or sold to Thai child merchants or abducted by aliens or pushed by one of her snotty boy classmates or married to a drummer. Daughters exist solely to inspire FEAR and AGONY. ANTICIPATION: COMPULSIVE!

GOLDEN GIRLS MARATHON – All night long (WEtv) Thank them for being your friend by watching them all night long. Hey, it’s July 5. You know darn well you have nothing better to do. ANTICIPATION: SASS!