TOTAL BULL
Here is a sidebar of television shows that have no bearing on the content of the newspaper but still, in our
estimation, deserve media attention. Kind of. Enjoy this issue chock full of things we think are funny.

Volume XIII, Issue IV

It’s Gonna Be May Fools 2018

?
Saint James, NY

Some Young Guy With Great Name
Wins Best Actor Ever Award at
2018 Academy Awards
By Samantha McCleery
Co-Editor-In-Chief
On March 4,
Timothee Chalamet was
crowned the youngest person ever to win The Academy Award for Best Actor
for his role in the film Call
Me By Your Name. This
news was far from shocking considering he is the
epitome of perfection. I
mean, his acting skills are
so incredible that you sob
when he says something
as simple as “hello”.
“I had no competition,” Chalamet stated,
“Just some average joes,
like Denzel Washington
and Gary Oldman, who

have only been in about a
hundred movies and won
tons of awards and have
been acting for as long as
I have been alive. Nothing
too impressive.”
According
to
www.chalametinsider.
com, “Timothee showed
up to the event wearing all
white in an attempt to act
innocent and as if he had
no idea he would win. He
wasn’t fooling anyone. He
as well as everyone at the
awards knew the Oscar
was his.”
Now, Chalamet
is living his best life as a

rich, attractive young man
who has a tiny, little, fakegold statue to prove he has
actual talent.
The official ambassador of The Academy
Awards has made claimed,
“The Best Actor award, for
as long as Chalamet shall
live, will be appointed to
him even if he was not in
a film that year.”
This minor accomplishment showcases
just one of the many,
many reasons why he is
such an incredible human
being.

Buzz Quiz: Choose your preferred nail art, and we’ll tell you how many fingers you have

Pink Colored Products: Industry’s Contribution to Feminism
fear I face in my everyday, feminine
life. My XX chromosomes weren’t
made to handle such hideous treasons.
After I eat these “chips” I
like to wash them down with some
Go Girl energy drinks! This beverage comes packaged in a pink bottle,
and that’s the only difference between
ugly drinks for men and my beautiful
weverage (that’s a woman’s beverage!)
This pink bottle is able to slip into my
purse easily and without discomfort. In
my bag you can also find some female
q-tips that have smaller pink swabs
for my miniature girl ears. Silly men
and their large ears and white q-tips!
Hallelujah! As touched on
by TV personality Ellen Degeneres,
Bic has released a pen for women.
These pastel pens come in colors
such has “lavender” and “mint” and
have been designed with a “thin barrel to fit a women’s hand.” An elegant
design just for my delicate fingers.
But some men aren’t having it. Guest on Sharktank Chad Melvin came up with a new product and
said, “I think all men can agree, it’s a

By Grace Faulhaber
Deputy Editor
Early in the morning on
March 17, Margaret Kelly heard a ding
from her phone not knowing that it
would immediately change her life.
Kelly, a 25-year-old New York City
lawyer, quit her $300,000 a year job
and instantly bought a one-way ticket
to China because her horoscope app
notification claimed that adventure
was in her future. Since her dream
destination had always been China,
she needed to follow the alignment of
the planets and buy that ticket.
The last that was heard of her
was from her Twitter account, @capricornbaby101; “YOLO, Beijing here I
come!”
Once her mother, Teresa
Kelly, found out, she was very worried and immediately called Margaret
to see what was going on. She said, “I
called Margaret, and it went straight to
voicemail. She is a smart girl though,

so I am sure she is making good
choices.” Confident in her daughter’s
decisions to quit her lucrative job and
move to China, she shared the former
lawyer’s fascination with her zodiac
sign and the horoscopes that quite
literally shape her everyday life. Teresa
Kelly said, “ For each birthday from
the age of five, I have bought her a
horoscope book for her birthday.”
Margaret Kelly shared that
the notification said, “Mars, the
planet of action and drive, will start a
two-month shift on March 17. In this
position, Capricorns will be adventuring very soon, so do the unexpected.”
She was moved by this statement, and
believed that it was time to change
her life. If nailing a stellar job wasn’t
good enough, quitting it and moving
to China certainly was for the 25-yearold.
Ms. Kelly’s story is a perfect
example of following your heart. Do

struggle going through life never had
used a tampon because of the feminine pink applicator. Finally I present to you Manpons, tampons that are
packaged in a rugged blue applicator!
Just for us men!” But he’s not alone;
another man, Duke Robinson, said
“Pink is for girls! And I would never
be so foolish as to buy a pink tampon.”
Thank god for items as listed.
Without them I would have to suffer
with the slate-grey man packaging.
Products lacking such pretty bonuses
might lead others to believe I am a
man! How disgraceful they’re not even
willing to pay an extra two dollars for
some pretty pink packaging! After all
what else would my 77 cent paycheck
go towards?
www.easyhealthoptions.com

By Lauren O’Hara
Staff Writer
Today’s world is plagued with
inequality and sexism. With havoc in
the White House, rampant sexual harassment in the workplace, a lack of
reproductive rights, and the crushing
wage gap, we might ask ourselves: how
can we fix such misfortunes?
Well, Indra Nooyi, the CEO
of the Doritos company, is making
strides for change with these new, and
totally necessary, chips for women!
“Snacks for women can be designed and packaged differently. And
yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting
ready to launch a bunch of them soon,”
said Nooyi, “For women, low-crunch,
the full taste profile, not have so much
of the flavor stick on the fingers, and
how can you put it in a purse? Because
women love to carry a snack in their
purse.” (Yes, this is an actual quote).
Whew! I can finally enjoy
some nice, soft chips without the fear
of the large snapping noise! My weak
woman ears tremble because of the
awful chomping that is caused by the
bite of a regular chip. This revelation
will finally save me from some of the

An everyday women crying because
of her loud, frightening chips.

Girl Quits Job and Moves to China because of Horoscope App

what you feel is best even if it may
cost you your home, lucrative career,
relationship with friends and family,
and lifestyle.
www.indiatoday.in

Margaret Kelly has her Capricorn
sign posted in her room, and makes
time every day to read up on her
horoscope.

Buzz Quiz: Everyone has a favorite lung ailment--let us guess yours!
How a Breaking of a Single Snapchat Streak can Ruin a Life Forever

By Hannah Shine
Staff Writer
Snapchat — the most used social media app by adolescents — has
teens fuming over it’s recent “horrifying” update. Rather than Snapchat stories to be found on the third main page,
they are now mixed in with streaks.
And just in case you’re living under a rock, a Snapchat streak
is a number which appears next
to a friend’s name if you snapchat
him/her every day consecutively.
A 17-year-old, who prefers
to remain anonymous, from Smithtown, New York, has reportedly
missed two weeks of school due to the
tragic breaking of a 534-day Snapchat streak with her best friend. Unfortunately, incidents like these are
negatively affecting teens all across
the globe — making them unable to
function and leave their bedrooms.
“No one should ever go
through the consequences of losing
a streak. I will never forgive myself,
however, I do blame the update,” said
the affected teen. “A 534 day streak is
pure dedication. My goal was to keep
it forever,” she told The Matador.
The best friend of the victim

reportedly no longer speaks to her attendance issues. One Smithtown
anymore: “What she did to me was teacher reports: “I think this approach
complete betrayal,” said ex-friend. is benefitting me and my students;
Other students are also instead of arguing with them to get
iMessaging her harsh threats. “If off their phones, I allow everyone to
she loses streaks with anyone else, send one Snap mid class in order to
she will be shunned and friendless maintain their emotional stability.”
forever,” said by a fellow student.
Now that it has come to our at
Sadly, the new organization of tention that Snapchat has plagued adothe app has caused slight brain dam- lescents, it’s important to continue to
age for every one out of three teenag- spread awareness of the issue. “All we
ers in the United States. Students here can do now as a community is hope and
at at Smithtown East are trying to get pray that the victims of broken streaks
in contact with the creators of the app recover,” said a concerned Smithtown
to counteract the update, forcing back citizen.
www.theonlinemom.com
the old Snapchat we all know and love.
Because without it, we are doomed.
Teenagers have fallen into
a profound trap of being completely addicted to Snapchat and
it has deeply affected our youth.
“I have over 100 streaks, so
it’s hard to keep track…” the 17-yearold defends her case, “I don’t even
know half of these people, but as
long as the numbers go up everyday, Shown here is the common sight of
that’s an accomplishment,” she states. teenagers addicted to their phones,
Teachers at Smithtown East probably checking Snapchat.
have now developed a way to combat

Cartoon By: Grace Faulhaber

Buzz Quiz: Based on your savory food preferences, we’ll tell you which authoritarian dictator
you are!

Dads
in
Smithtown
are connecting, helping, and
competing with each other in
an epic collaboration on the
world wide web. Three lost fathers from Smithtown were
inspired to create a place
where dads could interact.
Co-founder
Norman
Wilks found his wife was much
happier and less stressed when
she had a place to discuss parenting with other moms. “I apparently turned soft when my
daughter was born according to
my childless buddies. I began
to question my masculinity. I
even began to believe them— after all, I knew all of the Disney
princesses’ names, and tea time
was replacing my football time.
Can’t a guy be a dad and a man
at the same time?” said Wilks.
Wondering if anyone else
had a similar problem, Wilks
questioned his friend John Geyer, also a dad, if he could relate at
all. Geyer did, and stated, “When
an old friend of mine, now enemy, reused my joke— my joke— I
flipped. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An
irrelephant. Only now I am irrelevant since my joke has been stolen. Something must be done.”
Geyer
continued
to
spread the message to dad Tom
Binari, who added, “It all began
when my neighbor powered up
his new Honda HRX217K5VKA lawn mower, immediately
after I finished mowing my
lawn with my Toro Recycler
20340. Ever since Toro be-

came a member of our family,
I was almost certain he was the
best on the block—until now.”
After coming to the conclusion that these monstrosities
must be addressed, the three
friends joined together in Geyer’s shed, where they decided
a safehaven must be created
in order for fellow Smithtown
dads to restore their masculinity and preserve their pride
in fatherhood. Members rapidly enrolled onto the site and
began sharing their issues.
Paul Hays, a member,
stated, “After someone scuffed
my Nike Air Monarchs I knew
I needed help— I needed help
from someone who can relate.
Smithtown Dads provided me
with the support I called for.”
A flood of similar messages crying out for assistance
helped create the subpage called
Dadvice, where products such as
beard trimming mats, grill lamps,
bathroom golf games, and other
tips and tricks regarding machismo and parenting were shared.
Gradually the Dadvice
column morphed into a ranting
section. Thus, the Dant subpage
was added (Wilks wanted it to
be known they are still working on the name). From discussions about Hawaiian shirts and
how their spouses don’t allow
them to wear them in public, to
the necessity of fanny packs, to
treasuring their sacred chair or
spot on the couch; dads finally
had a place to air their grievances without being called soft.

In efforts to maintain
their manhood, Binari added a new section to the website, Mano-y-Mano, which is
the battlefield of all dad jokes,
tools, shed goals, and navigational skills. This week’s top
joke was posted by Larry Sheppard; “I was going to tell you a
joke about sodium, but Na.”
The battle for best outdoor hut in Smithtown heightened yesterday when Robert
Holloway claimed that his shed
was “a castle surrounded by cardboard boxes.” Neighbor and now
ex-friend of Holloway’s Todd
Dickinson, rebutted by stating,
“The day my shed becomes comparable to a cardboard box is the
day I host a Tupperware party.”
Smithtown Dads continues to burst into success. According to Binari, “Now I know, surrounded by Smithtown’s band
of dads, my manliness has been
restored. My life is complete.”
www.nndb.com

The dad we should all aspire
to be.

Buzz Quiz: Based on your blueberry-themed food preferences, we’ll tell you which Disney
character’s shoe style you are

Why Television is Your Last Hope at Finding True Love
By Samantha McCleery
Co-Editor-In-Chief

These days it is difficult
to be a single man or woman.
Finding a person to share your
life with seems almost impossible, and people are beginning
to lose hope. If this sounds like
you, don’t worry because there
is a solution: TV dating shows.
The Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise
are a series of franchises created
to help lonely single people, who
have way too much time on their
hands, find the truest form of
love. Because what other way is
there to do it? Scheduling your
own dates? That’s just ridiculous.
What about a dating app? Okay,
now you’re just trying to be funny.
Who wouldn’t want to
compete against 30 other people for the heart of one person who seems like he or she
should have no trouble finding
a partner yet do. I mean not
only will you find a meaningful and deep relationship but
also get social media famous,
which is clearly the best part.
You will also get to live life
in a luxurious mansion and go
on fun trips if you get selected, of
course. If not, then you dropped
everything for absolutely nothing
and will most likely leave in tears
as the rest of the men or women
celebrate with champagne about
your departure. Who doesn’t
love to see adults bullying their
peers as if they were teenagers? It’s truly a sweet moment.
It is definitely worth leaving work and family behind
to come on the show because

you have a 3% chance of actually ending up in a relationship. Those are some pretty
great odds. If you happen to be
among the 97% of people who
do not win then you will suffer
through weeks, even months,
of public shaming following
your failure at finding love.
However, this is very unlikely.
And, of course, if you
win you will live happily ever
after because there is no way
your relationship will fail after
only having known your partner for a few months and already being engaged. I mean,
what could possibly go wrong?
Will you know his or
her middle name at the end
of the show? No. But you will
have a huge rock on your finger and 100,000 more followers on Instagram. There isn’t
much else you could ask for.
If you are interested in
being a part of the TV show that
is said to be saving the dating
world then here are some tips.
1. If you are eliminated
after the first night make sure
to bawl your eyes out. It’s not
like you just met this guy or girl
and only knew him or her for an
hour. Emotions are emotions.
Oh… wait…
2. If you want to be remembered, act totally insane,
somehow make it until almost
the end, and then not even be
phased when you are eliminated.
3. Everything that happens on the show is 100% real,
and it is a serious way to find

love. The producers do not tell
people what to say or do. (I
mean, how could you even think
that?)
4. If the bachelor or bachelorette tells you they love you,
odds are they have said that to
at least one other guy or girl. The
show is so good at helping you
find love sometimes you find it
with more than one person. It’s
totally realistic.
5. And finally, be the most
stereotypical, bland person with
an extremely vanilla personality.
That’s how you win.
To apply go to:
www.thebachelorishowyoufindtruelove.com/realitytvisreal/
justkidding/thereisnohope/foreveralone
Good luck trying to impress someone while actively
competing for their affection.
It’s a ton of fun!
https://www.theodysseyonline.
com

TV dating shows are the newest and most promising way
to find true love!

Buzz Quiz: Everyone has their own favorite photo of Beyoncé; let’s guess yours based on your fastfood french fry preference!

Another
March For...Something
By Brianna Foster

Staff Writer
On March 20, the founders
of the “#meninist” movement announced that they too will be holding
their own march, which is set to occur sometime in the near future.
The demonstration comes on
the heels of January’s Women’s March,
in which women and men took to the
streets to voice the need for equality.
#Meninism is a relatively
new movement that seeks to keep
white men in the positions of power
that they’ve held for centuries. This
march comes as a time where men
seek to reestablish the dominance
they feel they’ve lost in things like the
push for equal pay and women choosing not to shave or wearing pants.
Men across the country have
been voicing their excitement on social media, using #mencanwalktoo,
and you can find tens of them taking to the streets in cities like Montgomery and Oklahoma City soon.
Men are now saying that it is
their turn and are looking forward to
the march. “I am happy that they are
finally doing something to recognize
men,” said Randy Simonton, a blogger

Mission Statement:

The primary purpose of The
Matador is to give a voice to the
students of Smithtown East. We
strive to educate students with
stories on a local, global and
national scale. The staff of The
Matador is constantly striving
to improve the quality of reporting to ensure a standard of
excellence for our readers. To
read more of The Matador, visit
us online at eastmatador.com,
for more up-to-date content

Editorial Board
Editors-in-Chief:
Meghan Hayfield
Samantha McCleery

from Omaha that we caught up with as
he was being forcefully removed from
Comic-Con for indecent exposure.
Men across the nation are
singing similar praise for this event,
and they see it as their time to voice
some recent frustrations. Paul Atkinson, a professional Civil War reenactor,
said that he has been having an especially hard time.“I think it’s finally time
that men have a say. I was thrown out
of work the other day because I asked a
woman if she wanted to see my bayonet. I told my boss that I had simply
asked, but I was silenced, and I believe
that it was solely because I was a man.”
Upon further digging, those interviewed also made it clear that only
men would be involved in this march.
“No, my wife will not be joining me.
She hasn’t left the kitchen in 25 years,
and I don’t know if she could handle
the sunlight,” stated John Turnbull.
This march will host similar
features to the women’s march, with
the rally being held at twelve noon.
This main event will feature prominent
speakers such as Bill from Lowe’s and
the inventor of the muscle shirt.

If you are going and you would
like to show your support for the movement, you can wear things similar to the
pink hats: men are encouraged to tuck
their pants into their socks and wear
pants three sizes too big, at a minimum.
A sign-making event will
be held at a Modell’s in the future somewhere around 5:00 p.m.
sharp. Barbeque will be provided.

https://imgflip.com

An angry mob that you may be
seeing come march day!

Write to Us:
The Matador appreciates your
feedback!
Submit letters to the editor or
fan mail to Mrs. Kuletsky (mailbox in the English Office/2nd
floor South) or directly to a
member of the editorial staff.

Have something to say?

The Matador welcomes any
article contributions. To write
for The Matador, talk to Mrs.
Kuletsky in Room 301, or email
ckuletsky@smithtown.k12.ny.us

Buzz Quiz: Tell us the 16-digit credit card number, your mother’s maiden name, and the
PIN number to your bank account, and we’ll reveal a secret about you!

Creators of Yelp Develop New App for Businesses to Complain about Customers

Cartoon By: Becca Hall

Yap!™. Anger at frustrating customers no longer has to be taken out by
spitting in their food or spelling their
name ridiculously wrong on Starbucks cups. What a time to be alive.
With a directory of local consumers at your disposal, have at that
pesky soccer mom who’s always huffing about the lack of gluten-free options at your cafe. Discredit the snobby guy who asked for his steak rare
and then slammed your restaurant
for serving undercooked food. Give
that obnoxious girl who always gets
a Venti Caramel Macchiato with extra caramel and no macchiato a halfstar rating, simply because you can.
“It only makes sense that if
customers are given an outlet to share
their experiences with businesses we
get the same opportunity to dish it
back,” said 17-year-old Robin Sparkles, a cashier at local supermarket
King Kullen. “Uber drivers give their
customers a rating, and it keeps riders from being excessively rude or
acting out. They are no longer invincible, and the power dynamic shifts
back into the favor of the worker.”

This
opinion
seems
to
be
commonplace
among
employees in the service industry.
“The system should always go both ways. It’s preposterous to think it hasn’t up until now.
We are a democracy after all,” said
Starbucks barista Jessica Glitter.
Different features on the app
include a location service and filter
system for searching specific review
categories such as: weird or elaborate food choices, annoying voices,
asked too many questions, sent the
meal back without trying it, and unappealing outfits/physical features.
What are you waiting for?
Unleash your pompous moronfueled rage with Yap!™, where
the customer isn’t always right.
www.theodysseyonline.
com

By Becca Hall
Staff Writer
There is a flooding sense of superiority that accompanies the compilation of a scathing review. The ability
to make or break an establishment for
potential customers tingles in your fingertips as you contemplate what pretentious adjectives to select from your
arsenal in order to trash the places
you dine. Power hungry restaurant goers have flocked to the crowd-sourced
review service Yelp for years, mainly
overcompensating for unfulfilling personal lives, to exercise their opinions
regarding everything from the “mediocre foam art” on their soy milk cappuccino to the “sub-par ambiance” of that
new Italian restaurant on Main street.
Finally, businesses can return the favor with Yap!™, a free new
app recently released from the creators of Yelp that allow employees
to write reviews for all the irritating
frequent flyers and random characters alike that come into their stores.
Now, thanks to this revolutionary new service, the chance to rate
customers and let out all those savage
comments that you could never say to
their face has arrived in the form of

Finally, justice for
Starbucks baristas

THE MATADOR

?

THE SATIRE ISSUE: WHERE THE “NEWS” IS FAKE, THE OPINIONS ARE
EXAGGERATED, AND THE POINTS DON’T COUNT

Scan For
more!

A special thanks to Lauren O’Hara and Ellyn
Gloria for creating some of the most necessary
and specific BuzzFeed-style quizzes we’ve ever
heard of. Thank goodness the truth can now
come to light.

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