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The Dip. I am experiencing the “dip” as we speak. I think everyone must feel the Dip now and then, but…do they want to drink over it? Welcome to reality, DDG. It’s sort of messed up in here, right?

The Dip. How to describe it? Hmm. Well, it’s not easy working from home, is all I have to say. Most days, I feel a certain sense of fear-loneliness, a combination that stems from a general sense of isolation–I am alone, all the time, and on most days, I don’t do interviews either. It’s not exactly pleasant, but would I necessarily be chatting it up with my cube neighbors if I were writing full-time for a company? Probably not. Sigh. One day, I think, my time in solitary confinement will have paid off, right? I’m not sure if other writers feel this way, but I don’t doubt it.

I used to So Totally Drink in the face of the Dip. Like now, I am feeling a mixture of failure, anxiety, and fear. Loneliness. Self-pity. Sure, it’s minor, and I’m a big girl, and a Diet Coke will make it better and make me feel a bit more focused on…well, tasks, rather than my feelings. But…damn, I “wasted” a lot of time this morning getting started as well as paying bills and other administrative tasks that simply go along with this lifestyle.

In my defense (because, of course, I’m talking to and fighting with my fucking SELF; other people talk to themselves all day long, right?), “work” has to be re-defined the minute you step foot into a home office, I’ve come to believe; and, it’s not for everyone. Actually, I think there are a LOT of folks out there who would find freelance writing to be their worst nightmare! Spending hours upon days upon months, alone? Having to rely on your own self-discipline to earn a paycheck? It’s not easy, and I have to keep the big picture in mind. Remain calm. Count my blessings. Take a few deep breaths. Do something that only takes a few minutes–just so that I can check it off my list. And retain a sense of perspective: I don’t have to hurt for it to be “good enough,” i.e., I only have to earn a certain amount of money, I don’t have to work beyond that amount of money, and some days simply consist of waiting–for others to do their part. I can have fun with this, right? Right.

The Dip can surface, too, around this time of day–late afternoon. By now, I’m used to having gotten ZERO done on some days, and working into the night just to feel OK about things. The worst is when I make up “fake work” for myself, stuff that really doesn’t need to be done and that could very well be exchanged for the more productive tasks of pitching, reporting, and writing. Yet, at least I’ve done SOMETHING, right? Oh, me.

Sometimes, simply staring into this screen drives me crazy. And, again, I can feel that pull–it’s weak, like a cord tied in the very distance, but somehow still tethered to my innards–of a glass or fourteen of wine.

At this point, I am going for a run. Turning it off. Run. Now. See y’all on the flip!

2 Responses to “The Dip”

Hello again DDG. I rather enjoy reading your posts as they remind me of how my alcoholic insanity can and does resurface from time to time. The “dip,” as you call it, comes to me from time to time as well, but I am finding it coming less and less as I get further and further away from my last drink. We have always been good at isolating, but we are not as good with getting out and doing something unless drinking was involved. The truth of the matter is, like many others have said, we do not like being around “normal” people because we don’t know how to handle them. It seems that your “dip” may be coming from being alone so often. You may want to try and get out and get away from home for a day in order to get your mind cleared up and relaxed again. Stormy days are going to occur whether alcoholic or not. I often just try to carry my rain suit with me each day because I am just as unpredictable as the weather, and I never know when I may need it. Keep your head up and remember why you are not drinking. We as alcoholics have no problem living life while drinking. We have trouble living life without drinking. I love what you are doing, keep it up!
Jason B. Sober in Recovery since September 12, 2011

Oh god ARE YOU ME??????? I just wrote a post about a similar DIP and how uncomfortable I am with it.. but what you’ve given me here which I didn’t perhaps factor in so much is the fact that I am at home all the bloody time. I look after the kids and run the house and when they’re not all here I write as well (just got a book deal). So it’s me locked in with me too bloody much. Sigh. Maybe running is something I need to add to my life. Oh god that sounds so scary but maybe I’ll quietly secretly just start doing little runs around the block and see how I go. Thanks for sharing xxxx