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I Writ Sumfin

Knowing 'what' to say however, has never been an easy choice for me, "will they understand?" "does it make sense?" "Why am i saying it?" "What do i hope to achieve?"I seemed to find every barrier as some sort of 'sign' that i'm foolish and to just forget about it.

... maybe now, things will be different.

But why? What is different about 'me' at this very moment than the 'me' yesterday or last week or last year or 20 years ago?

I had become very confused at some point in my youth, and i think I've been in a panic ever since, although I have early memories of questioning life my mum always said it started long before then, that i have always wondered about the meaning of it all from a very young age.

I remember laying in bed as a child, the home in the memory tells me i was younger than 10, but i couldn't be any more specific. I'd lay there alone and say goodnight to all the good people out in the world, heroes from tv etc... maybe its something many kids do/did in one way or another. I then remember feeling really guilty, what about the bad guys? They don't mean to be bad, they just needed to learn how to be good. So i'd say good night to them too... it took bloody ages to be honest.

A short temper. That was the flaw i heard most discussed in primary school. Always in the top groups academically, but i flew off the handle when i felt like i was being attacked, a situation i still struggle to cope with today.

By the time i was in secondary school, year 8 i think it would be now, i had abandoned any reliance on authority, all that seemed to be discussed was my emotional reactions, the cause of the action seemed never a point of focus for anyone other than me. I never understood why

The next few years were a jumble of being a victim of my childhood, a victim of society, a victim of corrupt authorities, and sometimes, when i couldn't understand why, i was just unlucky... a victim of the universe.

Then it was 2016... and we've all heard enough about that clusterfuck of a year.

So, What is different about 'me' at this very moment than the 'me' yesterday or last week or last year or 20 years ago?

Now, i'm no longer a victim, i am the creator of my own story, the champion of my own quest, the gallant hero or the whimpering victim... the choice is mine and mine alone.

sounds simple... it wasn't for me, not for a long time. but it is now, I guess i should write more about that in my next post.

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