Alleged Islamic takeover of schools ‘can’t be worse than Gove’

A Birmingham inquiry into a hard-line Muslims taking control of city schools, it set to conclude that a fundamentalist rejection of 21st century learning ‘can not be more detrimental’ than the Secretary of State’s A level reforms. ‘If anything’, admitted one councillor, ‘We are more inclined to view a puritanical curriculum as a force for moderation. At least we can be sure Religious Studies is well taught.’

Twenty-five schools are now under review for not focusing on the ‘Tudors & Stuarts’, the ‘benefits of indentured servitude’ and the ‘fun years’ of WW1. A School Inspector commented: ‘One Birmingham governor has described the investigation as a ‘witch hunt’, which is ironic given that we are now planning to acadamize a series of Satanic-based Faith schools. By focusing on Lucifer and eternal damnation, we are hoping to tackle poor attendance, A-B rates and the impact of ritual sacrifice on target minimum grades’.

While Mr. Gove has previously endorsed creationist schools, he is more reluctant to support religions that relate to countries he ‘likes to invade’. A spokesman for the Department for Education said: ‘While Mr. Gove’s book Celsius 7/7 might suggest he is diametrically opposed to Islam, this is not the case. But he is concerned that Muslim schools lead to multi-choice rather than a linear faith. We need more facilitating subjects in greed, intolerance and EU-scepticism. We need exam rigor that will ensure that all proles, of all faiths, don’t get within a sniff of a place at Oxbridge.’