Saturday, March 20, 2010

Saturday, March 13, 2010

step by step ...I am in a daze..I guess I am in a fog- I have little idea of what went on yesterday.But I clearly was `in my right mind' at each monent ..when I got up I made coffee, knew to do each task-clean & bleach the floors & wipe the stairs down while the coffe brews & vacume, round up the laundry, check the dog & bunny change bunny papers & give pellets, bla bla, bleach the bath room floors & then I can have coffee, house is ready. I can sit down for a few minutes..this has taken like an hr and half to 2 hrs. so it is not rocket science-this I know...I know I am having a problem `grasping' my dads death... he was a huge person in my life...& I did not expect this, it was double bad since my mom is satan... so I am just baby stepping...at the moment...an can not see forward or backward.......I won a Cinderberry contest & it had not arrived I went to the mail every day -could not understand--I had not worns my glasses & gave the wrong address.o missed did the address. thats' stress...My head hurts so bad It feels' like it is going to split open...we had out daughter over with her 2 kids for her 30th birthday...-I swear to GOD....we had the 2 little girls here both under3 our son 10 my beloved made dinner & I called my daughter the wrong name several times ??? why is that??? I called her my sisters name???as I said it ??I thought..hmmI have Not seen my sister in 14 years & she is an truly AWFul person...we never got along..was I just thinking about my mom & sister & preoccupied? what?aauughh how rude..I felt awful.. no one may reliaze how horrible it was but me...no one knows her like I do...uck.t shook me to my core.I need to contact Cinderberry-to let het know. I just figured it out. It either got sent back or is sitting at the post office. I am soooo tired. this is a horrible dark dark hell...people who don't believe in God should really fear...because I can't imagine what hell & that life --with out God & Jesus and the Lord....what is the point???? I could never NEVER survive...At least my dad is with the Lord & his family, in his paradise, no evil, no sin. That makes me happy & sad because it is hard to grasp as I look at his drawings of his beautiful trees........

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

my dad died -sudden massive heart attack.... my husband & son got to the hospital just ahead of me... My husband told the Dr I was on my way & the Dr kept CPR going .... he had me on the phone as my dear neighbor raced to hospital none of us had been to or heard of this hospital it was 45 min away maybe more-it seemed forever... as we found the hospital signs & they guided us in -right to the er door- 5or6 people left the room as my husband met me at the er door just steps away-dads room/curtain was right behind & the Dr began speaking to me explaining to me that he had been deprived of oxygen & his heart had sustained such extensive damage??? I was thinking how does he know? I asked what more can you do? he just looked at me? my mom was no where near- on the other side of the room-like she was done with dad, already? the Dr went on the explain that dad still has heart beats left if I want to be with him...... there is still time...his eyes were open but looking in the opposite direction. No one was there. So I said to get my son & I went over to dad & began talking. I said I was Not ready for this. I told him that he was the best daddy ever.I said for my son came in & I explained that poppy was going to be leaving to be with Jesus & the Angels so we are saying good by. He took poppy's hand in the way poppy taught him a gentleman shakes hands & one last time shook hands then case to him face & kissed him & told him he loved him & have a safe journey. My husband said his good bye's & I had them give him last rites & we held hands & prayed. my mother left. we stayed talking to dad until his heart beat its last beat, and then some...... his eyes had a sparkle right until the end. we sat with him for a while..I remember the pastor helping removing his 2 pieces of jewerly -mom went for his wedding ring & wrangled it off-it seemed wrong, so..roughI said tto wait for the nurses but she went at it...the pastor helped to remove his medic alert neclace & I took that because mom has left....my husband & I stood staring ...just the disbelief..looking around..I picked up his bag of personal items & set it back down , up-down, up-down, hands shaking, someone said to just put it in the garbage, I held it over & back out, for some reason held it close then took it looked around the room & ....began trying to leave me dad....I heard my husband taking instructions about how to arrange transport for the body to a funeral home & my mom being way to loud about getting finally getting an apt??we made it to the parking lot & somehow my husband got lost getting back to their house.....& things just kept getting worse if thats possible.......
we found out my mother was over 60,000 in credit card debt & refused to pay for the funeral
so my husband & I made & sat at the funeral home in shock & made all the arrangements and when we were done my daughter called & told us my mom had bagged all dads things & taken to the dump & made arrangements to rent his room....???? they slept at opposite ends of the house..
there van was co signed by my husband so when dad died ---we became responsible...auuughhh
so we went & got the van...she has not drove in years & year now have a stupid van & insurance to pay for. plus $3000 funeral. We are changing funeral homes, the one she chose is cash or check. since we are paying, we are not liquid - so we found a lovely one in town a few blocks away that takes charge, for maybe 2,000 plus. She is mad as hatter. now she `hates' us & disowns all of us...wrote a hateful long letter & called the sheriff on us-we stole the van-won't let her take money out of the house -abuse .........Sheriff...spoke to us ran the van & said it is in our name- dad put us on the house title because we lent them HUGE amounts of money they could not pay back approx $40,000 he felt bad, behind our back he put us on the house title. She is trying to take money out against the house & needs our names. Her neighbor said to charge us with abuse-she wrote in this letter to us --why? we did nothing-never did a thing but help-and pay-they bills-now that dad is gone I can leave this crazy on her own. she refused dad a priest. we had to have a special service to have dad blessed with family for his funeral & we paid for it & a 2nd the this crazy ole bat & her crazy southern neighbors totaling 2. ---his grand kids-greatgrandkids-daughter-soninlaw-all had to secret a special earlier Catholic service- were the funeral director had to keep the crazy woman & her loud people out. I am focusing on stay in in `love' staying positive-not going over to the dark side--helping dad to pass over in love & respect... he led & kind & loving life & deserves that. He may have married some one that is crazy or mean or money hungry...but his family had a respectful & decent Catholic history and he shall leave the same way. I set up a place on our sofa with dads personal effects, the same spot where he would sit. A coffee mug, He was a coffee maniac.. his pipe-she handed that to me- a cap ...I have the bag from the emergency room with his clothes & in his pants was his handkerchief-pocketknife-on his belt a leather strap with keys.. I set it all up on the end table belt,found a old pair of sunglasses so if his spirit-should wander around they can sit here & find peace...until they pass on to heaven...since she has tossed all of him out at his home & it is hateful & full of crazy action. My home is full of Love & prayer & peace.In memory of my dad 1933-2010 smokey