Near the beginning of this week's Tool Academy, Boyband Tool explains an unfair double standard: "Only guys can be tools. There is a double standard. Guys talk about sleeping with 200 girls, they're the man. Girls talk about sleeping with 200 guys, they're a slut." Thankfully for us, in 2010, both can safely be called tools. And also, "sleeping with 200 girls" would have to be in heavy quotes for any of that to be right.

This week's group therapy focused on video evidence of the Tools cheating on their girlfriends/boyfriend. Usually they show footage that was taken the same day as their fake Party Ambassador presentation, so it almost seems like these poor tools are victims of entrapment. This season, half of the tapes seem to have been submitted along with their original application videos. The tapes are seedy enough to give me a stomachache. Meanwhile, Teary Tool admits that his girlfriend "completes him" and Meth Tool's girlfriend flies off the handle, mouth-slapping him pretty hard. The married couple is truly hard to watch, since their interactions carry the weight of a thousand years' worth of intimate hurt. It's pretty clear they're headed straight down the toilet.

After an emotionally exhausting group therapy, the girlfriends relax by skinny-dipping in their pool. Meth Tool's girlfriend takes serious issue with it, positing that skinny-dipping won't help their relationships. If she were speaking to Lady Lovin' Toolette's girlfriend, that might be applicable, but it seems more like this whole thing is actually about how much she misses meth. From inside the house, Jennavecia Tool's boyfriend just keeps his eyes straight ahead, and when asked for a quote, says "...Girls...yeah, I don't know."

The next morning, we see a tool grab a fresh bandana from a colorful stack of starched bandanas in his suitcase. I wish I could grab a screen shot of it.

Guess what, I did.

This week's challenge is a Tool Academy classic: Tool-e-oke. The tools must cooperate with their angry girlfriends enough to produce a song and dance by sundown. During planning, Teary Tool finds out about his girlfriend's skinny-dipping and feels entirely cheated-on. "What, now suddenly two wrongs make a right?!" Somehow the marrieds win the Tool-e-oke contest (judged by Brian Dunkleman, Ryan Seacrest's long-lost American Idol season 1 co-host), and as a reward they get to go camping.

Back at the dorm, Neandertool tells Toolette he hopes she's the one going home. She tells him she doesn't like him. "I know," he mumbles, "but you like my body, bitch." I'm hoping that these two will make a huge mistake together and free up their respective partners, and then the better halves can pair up and it will be like at the end of That Thing You Do. Nice with nice.

Waiting to hear if he passed the Fidelity challenge, Boyband Tool (having sported his girlfriend's underwear onstage) explains, "hindsight is 20/20: shoulda put a pair of pants on." The tool who looks like Seann William Scott goes home, and his girlfriend, who reminds me of the orange little-girl monster on Sesame Street (the one who came along a little late for me and might speak spanish), stays with him. She's real embarrassed, though.

Next week's promo: Looks like the Academy's lack of meth is becoming a palpable problem for Rave Stick Tool & Co.

14 February 2010

I was just starting to want to stop watching the Olympics today when suddenly Tool Academy III appeared on my tv guide! I'd had no idea the premiere was tonight! What better way to spend Valentine's Day than with a dozen juiced-up jerks - dreams can come true, evidently.

As we all know, I've been an avid fan of the Academy since season one, episode one. You can't write most of the stuff that comes out of their mouths! They're all going to therapy with Vanessa Hudgens form of: British Cougar! Season two features a tool named Big John, whose dismissal causes a power struggle that consists mainly of flexing duels ("Now that the king is gone, I got to stand my ground").

This season, the Academy flexed its door hinges wider than ever before. They enrolled two girl tools ("Toolettes") - one straight, and one gay - and a married couple, the fairer half of which was already completely humiliated by the second minute. I have to say, one of the toolettes is named Jennavecia. And one of the guys is named Chasyn.

I found out from wikipedia today that at least seven previous tools have participated in pornographic videos for a website called straight college men dot com. Please google, don't include me in that search!

The first day of class starts with some tool waking up and saying, "top of the mornin'...to y'all." What makes this show get better every season is how increasingly familiar the tools get with what it means to be on this show. Nowadays, when confronted with the cold hard truth that they've been taken to Tool Academy, most of these guys get genuinely upset. They immediately understand just how bad the situation is, and they usually cry.

"This is really toolish behavior," notes Trina Dolenz. I wonder if and hope that she's Mickey Dolenz's sister. Jennavecia has man hands, and I foresee repeating this observation a lot, a lot a lot. Suddenly the Glow-Sticker Tool has a really high, scratchy voice, exactly like the old pervert from Family Guy, and Trina asks if he's doing a voice.

Now it's on commercial, so I had to switch back to figure skating for my roommate. Now there's an NBC commercial for The Office: Here Comes Baby week. OK, back to school. Uh oh, they're in the doghouse! Literally, the Tools are sitting in doghouses as their girlfriends/boyfriend use literal tools to free them. Aw, Jennavecia's boyfriend calls her Jenny. Oh well.

Chasyn moves out! And he leaves Trina to pick up the pieces. That was a spoiler, I guess. I really should start writing those Here Be Spoilers pirate warnings, but you know how it goes. Anyways, the show's over, and next week's episode - airing at noon next Sunday on vh1 - looks even better. Here's to you, tools.

As we can see, both of these stoplight box Beckys have upper-case pink letters. The one on the left is on the very bottom edge of the box, but the one on the right has a little room to breathe between the bottom of Becky and the bottom of the stoplight box. The Es are completely different. Oddly, the same sticker seems to be above both!

12 February 2010

A few months ago, I was walking along the sidewalk, minding my own business, when I looked up and saw my first "Becky" graffiti on a pedestrian crossing box. Ever since then, I've seen "Becky"s everywhere. Some use a silver paint-pen and all caps. Others are spray-painted! All of them solely say "Becky." No "Becky [does anything]." Just "Becky."

Although I didn't do these graffitis (yet), I won't rule out a time travel situation wherein I go back to offer myself encouragement during these trying times in the form of several graffitied "Becky"s. I'll be so thoughtful! Wow, what a mature and sensitive woman I turn out to be. But with a wild hair for vandalism!

01 February 2010

After a State of the Union (+ Brendan Fraser's clapping problem) cold open, Jon Hamm began his monologue...and NAILED IT. In celebration of his second hosting appearance, Hamm gave us a taste of other roles he's played (as Don Draper). It was hilarious. A hilarious monologue! Who knew!

Instead of a commercial, they jumped right into a sketch set in the roaring 20s, when Kristen Wiig's character was left with no choice after her friends forced her to sing at a party. She could never figure out when to come in (which picked up on a universal, super-tense, momentary terror that I know I've had whenever I'm about to sing), and explained to reluctant accompanist Hamm that she was "not upset, just angry."

SHORTA DIGITALIA. A careless businessman upsets a gypsy, and in turn, he's cursed by a super sexy saxophonist named Sergio. Huge hey Jenny alert here. The hugest. I couldn't believe how seamlessly easy it was for Hamm to transform into an entirely different continent's dreamboat. And I guess I'm saying here that I think Greece is a continent.

The Dems Get A Crush. Around this point, I got nervous that every sketch would be about how handsome and manly Jon Hamm is. I was wrong to be nervous for two reasons: (1) he wasn't that way in all the sketches, and (2) even if he had been, he performed so hilariously and with such commitment that it wouldn't have been a problem. At any rate, the democrats got an insane crush on Hamm as Scott Brown, and one of the older congressmen fantasized about Brown in a flapper get-up. I laughed and laughed. One item: the scene ended with the democrats dancing around Brown due to his magnetic attractiveness, which is exactly how the Sergio thing ended. Why put them back to back?

Michael Bubble did a thing, but I was very tired and ended up fast forwarding through it. And also I think I might've been a little upset that it wasn't Harry Connick, Jr crooning because I worry about him and how he splits the genre with Bubbly over here.

Weekend Update Update:

It's true, Obama is sincerely good at debates. Republicans just don't get it, DO THEY

Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor, played by Nasim, reminded me of a Gilda impression a little, and that made me very happy, but it could've been that I have a helpless habit of associating Sotomayor with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Eventually she posited that the Supreme Court "make[s] Pat Sajak look like a Dominican drag queen." How many people have I already repeated that line to? That depends, how many people have I spoken to since this?

Snooki Polizzi made her second guest appearance, reminding everyone that the Jersey Shore castmates are now "like, Buttafuoco famous."

Hey Jenny

Myspace is now the internet's abandoned amusement park - I agree with this especially, because even when the amusement park was open, I knew it would be closed soon anyway and really felt like I was slumming while there.

There is a dog surfing craze? Holy meowly, this is the Weekend Update motherload.

ONE-HOUR MARK SPORTS SKETCH. This week's "Gametime with Randy and Greg" went exactly where it has always wanted to go: Alien co-anchor Greg spawned a new clone out of a Jon Hamm football coach, and every time the camera came back to his side of the desk, there were exponentially more Greg aliens. It was amazingly suspenseful and necessarily hilarious.

Hamm & Bubbly. Jon Hamm had another Hamm-inspired business venture, and this time, Buble was his business partner. Unfortunately, Buble was there against his will, and he reported that Hamm's original pitch ended when his "eyes went black / and he slapped my face." Slapping Michael Buble is a very funny proposition.

Right around here, the commercial came on: Will Forte was The Closet Organizer, but he didn't really organize anything, and the spot was intercut with Hamm telling the story of how he scored with a black lady. I had a feeling there would be more to come.

Court Stenographer. Fred Armisen played the worst stenographer in the world, I laughed, and then when he said that his mother's nurse was getting married, I realized how similar this lady is to Kay from the Tracey Ullman Show, which made me cry and watch Muriel's Wedding.

Bar/Closet Organizer Part 2. Jon Hamm recognized Will Forte from somewhere, which happens to The Closet Organizer all the time. Eventually they went home to watch The Office together, and that could have seemed like a shamless nbc plug, if only "Let's go home and watch The Office" weren't The Commonest Phrase Spoken for the last year or so. The whole night tied off with the history of Barnes & Noble, two gentlemen whose career goal was to provide public restrooms to homeless people. The books were just a cover (cover, book, whoops).

Before I watched the episode, my roommates told me how sincerely good it would be. I had no idea.

Favorite line:

The Supreme Court is so white, "these guys make Pat Sajak look like a Dominican drag queen."