Sober Sophomore Wanders into Nasties ““ Unsure What to Do

Local Sophomore Brian Ritzoff was in a bit of a bind last
Friday afternoon when he found himself to be both sober and at Nasties ““
simultaneously.

“So, like, what should I even order?” asked Brian. “Chicken
nuggets? Would those even taste good right now?”

As Brian stood there paralyzed by indecision, a Townhouse
kid reportedly approached him and attempted to sell him a gram of marijuana.
Though Brian had never been high before, he bought it and smoked it anyway, as he
thought it would “make the situation a little less awkward.”

On Sunday morning, numerous first-hand accounts revealed that a substantial percentage of America’s soon-to-be luminaries were severely intoxicated and self-incapacitated on the preceding evening. “Man, I was fucked up last night,” said future New York State Senator David Adelsberg ’12, “This hangover is killing me!” “My futon is covered in puke,” added the future Congressman.... MORE »

In a slightly surprising turn of events, numerous sororities on campus were reported to have served hard alcohol and drugs at their rush week recruitment events. While fraternities were busy with their Dry Rush Week, or “3 Day Rush-apallooza” as the IFC now requires it be called, sororities and their PNM’s raged on into the... MORE »

The relationship between the undergraduate student body and the office of Interfraternity affairs has been nothing short of tumultuous, however the statement published by the office last night has sent the undergraduate body into an uproar. Students around campus are simply dumbstruck upon learning that one must be 21 to drink... MORE »

Ah, yet another story about the positive effects of alcohol. With an on-campus bar set to open in the Ivy Room this spring, the Cornell Pub Committee wants to pick business hours that will be most beneficial to students. A sample of undergraduate ILRies were tested to see if consuming alcohol before class provides... MORE »

With the closing of the education department at Cornell due to lack of funding and a surge of retirees Cornell is now creating the department of the redundancy department in the ILR School thanks to money acquired after the education department was removed. Education professors are not upset with the new school. They are actually... MORE »

Drake sucks. Last year, Slope Day 2010 was a sloppy mess. Bras were being thrown on stage and Drake was…. well, actually I don’t know how Drake was because I left the Slope before Drake went on. But from what I heard he was terrible. Sorry Slope Day 2010. This year we’ve gotten Kid Cudi,... MORE »

This morning the Cornell community was shocked by the news that came out of the Arts Quad. It all started this morning when sophomore Mickey Josephs went to CUPD claiming he saw the ghost of Ezra Cornell when he climbed up the McGraw Clock Tower late Saturday evening. While this is hard to imagine happening,... MORE »

Recent news reports that about half of the Harvard Class of 2012 is under investigation and at risk for losing their diplomas for illicit collaboration on a TAKE-HOME final exam (seriously) has left Cornell students scratching their heads. “The New York Times article says that ‘students were tripped up by a course whose tests were... MORE »

With all the rumors of Vinny Guadagnino coming to Cornell being untrue, thousands of Ivy League students were shocked and astounded to find that a satirical news website would provide them with inaccurate information. Lucky for you, Earthlings, a REAL extraordinary sensation has crash-landed in Beebe Lake at approximately 3:28 AM. Broadcasted on every major... MORE »

Dobby the House Elf, the magical creature from the Harry Potter franchise whose cuteness and silly way of talking has drawn the adoration of college student nationwide, will speak at Cornell’s Lynah Rink on April 19, according to Cornell House-Elf Liberation Front Chair Seamus Shacklebolt, ’13. Dobby is planning to attend rallies on 30 college... MORE »

NORTH CAMPUS ““ After hours of thought and consideration, Cornell Freshman Katie Jones has decided today that she will give Swahili Literature 101 a chance. “I really had absolutely no interest in the topic whatsoever,” says Katie Jones. “But, the professor actually made the class seem pretty interesting, and the first few readings did make... MORE »

UPDATE: After a short and brief skirmish this past weekend, Cornell has taken out the rest of its competitors and won the fight. NEW YORK, NY ““ Millions of New Yorkers watched in awe this past Friday as the Big Red Bear tore down the Stanford Tree in an epic battle raging on Roosevelt Island.... MORE »

NORTH CAMPUS ““ Robert Purcell Community Center erupted into chaos Wednesday night, as while students and faculty arrived expecting the luscious aroma of Wing Wednesday’s glorious spicy chicken wings, they instead found this green shit. “I look forward to Wing Wednesday all week,” says hungry freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “And low and behold, the Wednesday... MORE »

In what is now being described as one of the greatest success stories of the century, five ex-convicts from Long Island, previously incarcerated for defrauding the Educational Testing Service, have all become executives of multi-billion dollar firms on Wall Street. “After getting arrested for taking the SATs for 30 other students when I was... MORE »

For some time, cinema experts around the country have been puzzled by the question of how Adam Sandler could have been so funny in the 90s yet so bad in the past few years. After the release of Jack & Jill this past weekend, however, the authorities have decided that there could only be one... MORE »

This past Wednesday, researchers at the Cornell Department of Policy Analysis and Management were shocked to discover that marijuana would totally be legal if stoners weren’t too lazy to actually take political action on the issue. “After conducting a thorough and comprehensive analysis on cannabis facts, we were surprised to find that there is... MORE »

Administration was reportedly chuckling today as students across the campus cried out for an easier way to enroll in courses for the following semester than the current CourseEnroll system. “I fucking woke up at 6:30 AM to make sure I could get in on time, said fuming freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “After 30 minutes of... MORE »

Business on Diagon Alley remains at a standstill for the third day in a row this week as Occupy Gringotts protestors clog the streets, impeding traffic and halting business operations. Thousands of wizards from around the world remain convened outside of Gringotts as the protests continue. “One percent of magical creatures [goblins] control all of... MORE »

WALL STREET – Investors and business magnates across the nation Tuesday scrambled to invest in what quickly appears to be becoming one of the most profitable long-term securities in the world: Israelis. “If you look at the numbers, they’re simply astounding,” says Jewish Goldman Sachs CEO, Lloyd Blankfein. “Back in the 1980s, one Israeli... MORE »

NORTH CAMPUS – In what he calls a “friendly reminder to freshmen that we’re watching their every move,” Cornell University President David Skorton has instituted a new policy that requires every ID scanner used at frat parties to bear an “Obey” sticker from George Orwell’s classic novel, 1984. “You see, every time you put... MORE »

The academic world of philosophy was turned upside-down this past weekend when Ron Davis, an underclassman from Cornell, allegedly discovered the meaning of life. “I was just chilling with some guys upstairs in this frat house, listening to some Radiohead, and definitely not doing anything illegal,” says Davis in between bites of his chicken... MORE »