Unregistered, as a new member your first 5 posts will be subject to moderation.
So if your post is submitted successfully, but does not show up immediately, please be patient, as it may take some time for a moderator to approve it.
Please don't double post.

Thanks Gala Girl. I am not being abused to those stages. I am not threatened with violence or isolated or controlled to that degree (i have been in the past, I know what it looks like).

I am glad you have eyes wide open and are guarding against abuse. You know your own situation best.

Quote:

I am however in a partnership with a selfish and irresponsible person who is not respecting my feelings and need for emotional safety. He is making some effort in repairing the situation, the problem is that they are treating me as if I am a tyrannical force to be reckoned with instead of a partner in this thing. I mean there are a lot of problems, that is one.

Whether or not G and H follow through on promises is on them -- they control their behavior. Some effort is not ALL the effort needed to be healthy.

You watch your own behavior. Be watchful of that in yourself -- accepting "less than healthy" just because it is "something is better than nothing." Guard against that and watch your soft feelings for them tempting you to accept less than loving/kind/considerate treatment. Be careful with yourself.

But if you need validation for you having your reasonable wants, needs, and limits respected? You got it. It is reasonable to want the things you want. You are not out of line to want a peaceful and harmonious polyship.

If they want to make it be like you are some "tyrannical force?" Fine. Be all "Yes. I am a tyrannical force that expects these things upheld. You are doing it/not doing it?"

You could point out when they try to distract from their own behaviors done/not done and try change the spotlight to some other thing (real or imagined) just so they do not have to be held accountable for their own behavior in this polyship. You could bring the spotlight right back into focus on their actions.

"The agreement is this. You chose this behavior. This does/does not keep the agreement."

Just report the weather. No emotion. They either are choosing behavior that meets the standard or they choose behavior that does not. If they do not, you don't have to hang about waiting for them to get around to it. You honor your own limits of tolerance -- and set a reasonable limit for yourself to stick by. Maybe you pick 3 strikes you are out. Maybe 5. But you could pick where your limit is and honor your limit.

You deserve better treatment than poor treatment. Plain and simple.

Quote:

I keep expecting them to realize they have been neglecting me or outright treating me poorly and while they took action to make me feel less neglected, they still refused to put their selfishness when it comes to sex on hold for my sake.

Could note this behavior.

Quote:

I think you.may also be missing that I will be leaving two children behind here. two children who I have raised as my own for half their lives.

Yes. The other children being kept safe is a valid concern even if they are not your bio kids. In the marriage, did you adopt them and are you legally responsible for them? If you are not that person, a legal guardian to these children... could you alert their next of kin if it come to that? Would you take them with you temporarily? Where is your thinking on securing the safety of the children? Could you take them to their bio mom in emergency? Grandparents?

Quote:

G at least acknowledges I have a right to be upset about everything, including last night.

That's a start -- acknowledgement talking. So does it come with matching ACTIONS? In choosing his new behaviors, does he choose behaviors that ADD to your problems or takes AWAY from the problems on the table?

Quote:

Before this, our relationship was good, balanced. Our poly was good and balanced. I think its worth noting. It doesnt negate what happened but I want to get back to that place where we were good. where I was treated well, it was only a few months ago and for the past three years.

You are not there any more. That dynamic ended. Time only moves forward. You could create a NEW time of harmonious polyship with/without H involved, but that still requires behaviors from you and behaviors from G. And right now G behaviors are... what?

Could determine you limits and make a written plan for how you want/do not want to be treated. Do not sign up for more relationshipping here with these folks without knowing the what the expectations and what the standard of relationship is here. Do not sign up to participate in substandard care in relationship to G/polyship with G.

Quote:

H has left, she is going to stay somewhere else for a while. I don't know how long. Her stuff is still here. We will see. I know its frustrating to you all that I insist on staying. I can't really ask for advice anymore, you have all done enough. Thanks so much again. I truly appreciate it.

I am not frustrated. I am concerned, but I respect this is your life and you need to make the calls you need to make and are prepared to make at this time. You are the one who has to live this life so all I can do is see your struggle and read your posts. I do see you struggle. I do read your posts.

I see you.

Hang in there. Remember you have worth, dignity and value, and do NOT deserve poor treatment.

I understand your need to keep your other babies. Why not make a blog here to vent in. That way you can have a way for you to be heard and watch where you are in relation to progress. I believe everyone supports you. Some times it is hard to read when you see people feeling but that is our or there problem. Please continue to post so your not feeling isolated with this.

"When I talked to H the other day about them toning it down and using discretion I mentioned that I would like for them to take a break from having sex for a few days so I could regain some footing to get to a place where I could cope with that again."

Doesn't sound unreasonable to me.

Re:

Quote:

"Am I unreasonable in being pissed off that they just appeased me and waited til the first opportunity to have sex again?"

If they told you they were going to give the sex a rest for a few days, and then broke their word, then well, they lied to you, and it's quite understandable for you to be pissed off about that. Although at the end of the day, you need to be able to approach these problems from a calm place from within, and focus on what you can do, because you can't depend on them to choose what you'd want them to do.

"Am I being unfair in making my needs trump theirs? They feel like I am. Like I am dictating the terms of their relationship and that is unreasonable."

That all sounds very black-and-white. Either you get what you want, or they get what they want, and there's no middle ground. If the situation can be fixed, I would think everyone involved would have to agree to give up some of the things they want, in order to get some of the other things they want. In other words, I don't think anyone can get *everything* they want, there has to be some compromising by all involved.

"I know it's frustrating to you all that I insist on staying. I can't really ask for advice anymore, you have all done enough. Thanks so much again. I truly appreciate it."

Just speaking for myself, I am still quite willing to offer you advice and support, regardless of whether you try to stick things out with G (and H?). Yes it seems like you should just leave him. But since I am not actually in your shoes, and I don't know all the details of your situation, I'll try to work with you, whatever you decide to do.

__________________Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"

So H was going to leave and G convinced her to stay. He says I should try to talk to her. Frankly, I don't know what to say and she won't even make eye contact with me, leaves the room when I come in. We are managing to conceal the drama from the kids but things are tense, I'm sure they can sense it, especially the oldest. I don't think I owe her an apology. I'm tired of all this fighting and tension. Maybe I just need to ask her to leave and work on trying to repair my relationship with G. I am having a hard time seeing any other solution.

Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.

Posts: 905

And you should talk to her because....? What do you owe her an apology for? For having needs and not being a mindless sheep? I would apologise, but my apology would be laced with sarcasm.

Children are very perceptive and sharper than we all think and wish to admit. They sense things even when you are trying your best to conceal it. If your children are like mine, they will start asking questions.

She needs to leave. It is your home, too, and that is where your children reside, so she should be the one to leave. Obviously, your S/O wants his PYT around for daily sex, but her presence and his blindness have caused madness in your home. Where is her family? They should be trying to talk her out of having a baby by somebody she barely knows who already has a little one on the way and three in the world already.

__________________Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.Closed.

So H was going to leave and G convinced her to stay. He says I should try to talk to her.

Quote:

Frankly, I don't know what to say and she won't even make eye contact with me, leaves the room when I come in.

Could say "Yes, I hear that you want me to talk to her. No, thank you. I am not willing at this time talk to her. This needs to happen first:

1) We find out if she is / is not actually pregnant.

If not pregnant, step 2.

If pregnant, I leave you two free to raise this new child because you made a life changing choice without consulting me and broke agreements. Each of you did. I cannot trust people like that.

2) If not pregnant, you both still did a bad. Trust STILL needs to be repaired. But I don't have to coparent some new kid so I might be willing to entertain a new polyship offer that takes my wants, needs, and limits into account. When you both are ready to present that to me I am willing to see the offer. That does not mean automatic YES I accept your offer. It means I am willing to read it. "

That previous offer you declined? It now has a side helping of another broken promise with the 1 AM sexing after you requested a time out.

They are digging themselves deeper.

So they are not in right relationship to YOU. You don't have to be chasing them down to make right. You did not break agreements. The onus is on them to make right and to present new offer.

Behavior done/not done, dude. Step up to the plate. They could show you the money. YKWIM?

You have already made suggestions and they do not follow through. You are tired. So... could choose to rest and not do anything. THEY can make the suggestions and worry about making a decent offer.

You could strive to keep it real over there. If they want to keep it nutty, you could choose to say "No, thanks. Not participating in this nutty. Back to the drawing board!"

Lather, rinse, repeat and just play the broken record til they step up to the plate and play like adults. Present you with more crazy? Back to the drawing board. Not acceptable.

If they ACTUALLY present you with something you might find suitable...

You may need to do conflict resolution for old stuff first and rebuild trust if this is even gonna fly.

Keep it super real over there. Don't kid yourself that your players there are suddenly Jedi players. They sound awfully Muppet Show right now to me.

Be careful with yourself. Be mindful that the children do know and watch. Is this polyship is all crazy -- could leave so the children don't learn to be this selfish way to THEIR future partners or accept this sort of treatment from their future partners.

Well the good news is, she's not pregnant. Having an early period/failure to implant. phew. Things are still quite tense. We had another talk where we rehashed the same issues but made a little headway. H is still frustrated with me about how intensely I reacted last night. She explained that sex is how she connects and bonds with G and it is hard for her to be denied that. Oh boo hoo. I can't see myself returning to having warm feelings for her. She is being selfish and unreasonable in refusing to acknowledge how they hurt me last night (which G has acknowledged) and instead being mad at my reaction and bringing everything back to how.I'm depriving her of sex with G.

Thanks for more wise words GG. The talk got tired.but I imagine we will pick it up again soon. You're right, its their turn to propose an arrangement. I am tired. I will ask for this tomorrow. The status quo remains, they have sex when appropriate and work on making sure my emotional needs in terms of inclusion and affection are met. We shall see.

Here's your possible template for changing it from "the boohoo soap opera station" to back the land of actions done / not done.

"Are you saying you are not willing to do X? Could you tell me the action Y you ARE willing to do for Z amount of time to begin to demonstrate that I can trust you both again? So I can be free of mistrust?"

Example:

Quote:

H is still frustrated with me about how intensely I reacted last night. She explained that sex is how she connects and bonds with G and it is hard for her to be denied that.

"I see that you are frustrated, H. I hear that you wish to be free to express your connection and bond to each other via sex. I hear that you do not like my suggested behavior for both of you to begin rebuilding trust with me to be "no sex for 48 hours."

I am willing to hear your suggestion for an actions taken to demonstrate to me that you have control of your own behaviors and will not be making oopsie babies or planning children you expect me to coparent without consulting me. What will your suggested behavior be then?

No sex for 24 hours, then only oral sex in the next 24 hours?
Only anal sex for 48 hours?
Only Hand jobs?
Long term planning for a vasectomy? IUD?
Getting Plan B to keep in the house?
A mix and match of the above?
Something else I have not suggested? I am willing to listen. What is your suggestion for trust building behavior? Make me an offer I can entertain that we can all agree on.

At this time to get the ball rolling, I am willing to pony up a 48 hours worth of trusting you. Pass that, I could be willing to do a week of trust next. Then grow it bigger over time. Please tell me what behavior are you both going to pony up here to get this ball rolling? I am willing to hear your suggested behavior that will demonstrate this to me:

We plan to do X for 48 hours in our sexual behavior to begin to show you that we CAN say we will do something, and ACTUALLY do it to earn back your trust in our ability to follow through on promises involving unprotected sex and family planning."

The talk has to match the walk. Even your own. You say you want respect and accountability? Hold them accountable and spell it out -- you show respect to me by doing X. Done or not done?

If not matching and you can only go on one of them? Their talk or their walk? Believe the walk. Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap. You have seen enough cheap talk.

This is a LOW BAR here, dude. Just open mouths and state to purpleboots what it is you plan for your next behavior so you can be held accountable by purpleboots as to "yep... the behavior was done/not done as told to purpleboots." Then purpleboots can begin to believe in your Word again because you have become people who actually keep their Word. Talk and walk match.