Pro-Life, Pro-Guns, Pro-Insanity: Voters Confused

Published in Miami Today on February 22, 2018.

Crisis management firms are giddy with joy. In anticipation of the most explosive revelation in American politics in a century, these companies are hiring more and more graduates every day. They worry, however, that they will not have enough personnel to answer the call from politicians. In fact, they are hoping to hire some Russian consultants. They don’t want to miss the opportunity to cash in on a big fiasco.

The secret to be disclosed early next week is that most politicians who are pro-life are also for easing access to guns, and for guaranteeing that you can carry a concealed weapon anywhere in the country. In fact, most of them already voted to ease access to automatic weapons. In Florida, if you are eighteen you cannot buy a beer but you can buy an automatic rifle.

The stunning revelation comes amid reports that most of the pro-life candidates in the upcoming mid-term election also receive generous support from a lobbying group that shall remain nameless due to fear of reprisals and lawsuits. We were hoping voters wouldn’t pay attention, said Manny Pulation, head of communications for the group.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, another politician recently claimed that the (insert name of lobbying group) promised us that these weapons would never get into the wrong hands. They told us that there is no inconsistency between being pro-life and pro-guns. They actually pressured us to ease restrictions on access imposed by the former administration.

While these politicians keep referring to the mental health of the people who use these arms, a voter in a recent town hall reminded the elected representative that insanity is doing the same thing and hoping to achieve a different outcome. The stunned official never contemplated that someone would play the insanity card on them! When confronted about what he would do differently next time, the politician replied I would start praying earlier.

When presented with evidence that gun restriction laws reduce fatalities, the same representative said that you cannot trust scientists and journalists because they are the most dishonest people.

Public relations firms are already working on ads blaming Mexicans for the proliferation of guns in the country. The same companies are pleading with immigration officials to expedite visas for the Russian experts. They are our only hope, claimed an executive.

Isaac Prilleltensky is an academic and humor writer. His most recent book is The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier. Follow his humor blog at www.thelaughingguide.com. You can reach him at prilleltensky@gmail.com