Ideas that have passed through the fire.

The Foo Fighters have a new album with a song titled “Walk.” It captures where I’m at right now. The line that strikes me is “learning to walk again, I believe I’ve waited long enough, where do I begin?” My year and half in California at Fuller was in many ways a respite, in spite of the fact it has been one of the busiest times in my life. I have learned a lot about myself more than anything. I learned that I need to manage myself and discerned key aspects of my personality where I can allow stress to affect me in negative ways. Also, the question of intimacy with God is rolling in again like slow, small waves. I am slowly trying to wade back into the water and find my footing. I have found myself seeking for more thoughtful engagement than I had in the past. Some of the more uncritical approaches I developed are now giving way to deeper forms of connecting with God. It is going beyond behavior and certain practices to the real heart of the matter. I do long for that centering feeling when you know you are in the place where you and God are vibing again. I think God has led us on this journey for many reasons, some connected with issues in my family, but others related to our own trust issues with God. I feel like God is putting us in a place of radical trust where we will know for sure when he is doing something tangible and lately it has been apparent. The numerous people who helped us with moving is one example of how we experienced love from Christian friends and neighbors. One of my biggest hangups has been expectations and being on the receiving end of actions or behavior from Christians who weren’t quite acting Christ like. It really damaged my faith in some ways and caused me to question the efficacy of God in this world at times. One of the worst contributors to that experience unfortunately was fundraising.

We had some amazing experiences during our time fundraising, connecting with people who shared our vision for ministry and telling them about what we were doing. We also encountered some difficult situations. It was more than a number of occasions that people specifically told us they wanted to give to us only to later provide some lame excuse as to why they had a change of heart. For someone whose living came from these commitments, the failure of a number of people to follow through with them was heart wrenching.
It wasn’t about the money so much as the keeping of one’s word. I know this shouldn’t have affected us but it did. I felt like “where is the integrity here?” Fundraising is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life and people were just flippant about it. This is only one example of a number of encounters that challenged my faith in many ways. What also hurt was the alienation and exclusion we felt as we exited our church family in Denver. It was very painful and caused a lot of sadness in our family. In one sense we felt excommunicated. Its tough to leave years worth of community all at once. Especially with a new baby on the way. I couldn’t help feeling rejected by friends who we had spent a lot of time with. It has only been in the past year or so I would say that we have experienced more loving Christian actions towards us in meaningful ways. The truth is I felt hurt by God. I felt like ” these are your people and you just let them treat us this way.” I sought reconciliation with the pastor and feel good that we came to a mutual resolution towards the whole thing. We both felt regrets and sought forgiveness from each other. I harbor no ill will today and wish him the best. I just can’t help some of the feelings that linger as a result of the whole experience. Especially in relation to folks from that community. Its like a freshly healed sore, getting better, but still a bit sensitive. I want to move on and California has been a big part of that transition. Now that we’re moving again I feel cautiously optimistic about the next step. I’m calling this year “the year of Steve.” Somewhat like George from Seinfeld but focused on my own health and well being. If there is one thing I have learned from a wholist view of the person, it is how negatively my substance dualism affected my own view of my body. I definitely want to get away from the more gnostic way I viewed the physical and let God inform and challenge my life in those areas to grow and develop them in more healthy ways. So here’s to ” the year of Steve!” 🙂 and may God challenge me to continue to draw closer to him.

The problem with being in “transition” is that it gives the impression there is some kind of movement. How I wish that was true. For some reason I feel like my world is growing smaller and smaller as if a giant planetary telescope has been turned around and zoomed in directly on me. Its precise measurements hone in on my universe of faults and inadequacies and I don’t like the picture I see. Like I’m discovering uncharted galaxies of sin that I have heretofore been completely oblivious to. So what happens when transition looks more like a stalled out car than a rocket ship? I want to reach the moon but I’m finding that my fuel is depleted and I think I busted an O-ring somewhere. Back to the drawing board? Blow the whole thing up? Or figure out why? Why am I stationary? Why can’t I get moving? I have a lot of questions and somehow I feel like its all related to my heart. Somewhere along the way I lost it and I can’t seem to find it anymore. Its like a Where’s Waldo from hell. The only solace I’ve been able to find is reading people’s stories about how God has done something new in their lives. I read them and I think how much I would like to see that again. The days when I felt God’s presence regularly and knew I was on a mission for him. Now I just sit here stewing. What is it I’m supposed to learn? I wish I had an answer. So far nothing has seemed to work. I’m hopeful that in the days ahead I will come to a revelation but its been slow going these past few months. I just want to realize what I’m supposed to and get on with the rest of my life. Somehow I’m in limbo and I find it really unsettling. I know there is a lesson in here and damned if I am going to sit here and not make an effort to figure it out. I just wish I had some more encouragement to let me know I’m on the right track. Kind of like a mile marker on my journey of waiting. Gotta keep my eyes peeled because they blow by real fast.