VEXATIOUS VIRGO...

The Jittery Journeys of May 2004

Greetings, virginal nitwits! Welcome to the month of manic May! Last month we left you on the horns of a dilemma, in the throes of a great decision. Should you go solo and become the world’s first masturbating medium or should you continue on in an unhappy partnership with your teacher in the SEX AND THE AFTERLIFE show? Great gods alive and dead, how will you cope with the pressure, my dear little surface-wipers?

We must consult the vile and bitter prognostications to find the answer! As mischievous Mercury moves direct and the great Sol Invicti conjoins the Lunar North Node, you consult with those strange and terrible gods that move persons of your odious sign and thus come to a decision. At the Full Moon in morbid Scorpio, there is a Lunar Eclipse in your solar third house of communication and you choose to end it all and retire from the public performance. Your days as a medium are over. After all, better the humble retreat than the ill-chosen path. Besides, you were tired of the glare of the spotlight on your nether regions, even if it was for a good cause.

As the great Sol Invicti then clashes with nasty Neptune, you find yourself disillusioned with the spiritual scene and so retire to the hills to contemplate. Perhaps seclusion is really the answer for you, virginal nitwits! By my little brown bottle, I’d have to agree! And the more secluded you are the better! Thus you find a distant mountainous retreat, using only candles and the open fire for the sake of economy. There you live on nuts and berries whilst crocheting blankets for earthquake victims and other unfortunate persons deserving of charitable efforts. This is all to do with marauding Mars in the odious sign of Cancer and vamping Venus moving retrograde in your solar tenth house. Thus you retire from all career aspirations and work only for the common good.

By the way, did you know that you and the idiot sign of Gemini share the rulership of nuts? You didn’t! I suppose that’s why I’m the writing this utter piffle and you’re reading it. Anyway, come the New Moon in cloddish Taurus, you decide the simple life is for you and you will make this mountain retreat your home. There you sit, humming happily in your work and being a friend to all wayfarers by feeding them, washing and ironing their clothes and criticizing (for their own good) their dress sense, efficiency and worldly aspirations.

You feel content with your lot until one day, as the great Sol Invicti clashes with idiot Uranus, a stranger arrives at your door. Just as you have seated him with a suitable prevailing wind (due to unfortunate body odour), his cell phone rings. Great gods alive and dead, the surge of current goes through you like an exotic disease, little virginal horrors. Your head spins! You fall fainting to the floor! Mischievous Mercury laughs an evil laugh as he clashes with nasty Neptune. You plead with this visitor to cancel the call, which he does. You begin to recover but then it rings again and the same thing occurs. You’re in a state now! You try the radio, the stereo and television. Egad, you spin and fall as their pernicious charge surges through you! You try turning the electric lights, but even that tiny current your body cannot bear.

Ye gods and little fishes, my surface-wipers! Do you know what this means? You’ve become allergic to electrical current! Your time in the wild with abstemious habits and a pure diet has made you too sensitive altogether for the modern world. What will you do? Click here next month and I’ll tell you. In the meantime, farewell, tiny asinine creatures!