Liz Reyer: Improving interactions with co-workers

Question: It’s always been hard for me to engage with people and feel connected. I just don’t seem to know the unspoken rules of how to interact. It’s OK, except that it makes it harder to work on team-oriented projects. What can I do?

Answer: If you treat interaction as a skill you can learn, you may find more success.

The inner game: Although this may feel like something you’re born with (or not), I know from experience that learning how to interact is a skill that you can learn. Use your breath to find a place deep within to get centered, and then use this place to set aside any voice of judgment against yourself, and to ease any anxiety you may be feeling about the situation.

Now, let’s break down the situation a bit more. Where do you get lost? Perhaps you don’t notice social cues from people (when they’re engaged, when they’re annoyed or bored, etc.). Or you may catch the cues, but not know what to do next. And are there times when your skills in this area are stronger — lower stress times, certain people — or is it pretty consistent?

What have you already tried to become more effective in teams? If you’ve had some successes, use the techniques as ideas for slightly different settings.

Finally, define your idea of success related to interaction. There is no right or wrong here — it’s about whatever will give you the best feeling of satisfaction and not how you “should” be able to operate with others.

The outer game: You’ve undoubtedly learned many things in your life — computer programming, obviously, and perhaps a musical instrument, a language or other skill. Think of this in precisely the same way, as an area where study and practice will pay off.

If you’re not sure where to focus, start by getting some feedback. While this may feel a bit risky or intimidating, asking someone you trust to help you set priorities based on their observations will be a very helpful step … and it’s an excellent relationship-building step.

Once you’ve set priorities, develop learning programs for yourself. I’ll start you off with a couple of examples:

If you’re weak on recognizing cues: Study the ways in which a person indicates boredom. They may fidget, get out their phone, or look at their watch. Their eyes may wander. If you see any of these signs, check in with yourself on your actions — are you dominating the conversation or off on a tangent?

If you don’t know how to respond: Write scripts for ways to respond in different situations; for example when you receive a compliment or are given other feedback. Also include situations where you’re reaching out; for example, if you want to chat at a team social event. While you won’t literally follow them, it’ll help to have thought your interactions through in advance.

Have some fun with this, and don’t worry if it feels forced at first. As your skills advance, they’ll feel more natural. And celebrate your successes to help build your confidence.

The last word: Taking it step by step, you’ll acquire the interpersonal skills you’re seeking.

Liz Reyer is a credentialed coach with more than 20 years of business experience. Her company, Reyer Coaching & Consulting, offers services for organizations of all sizes. Submit questions or comments about this column at www.deliverchange.com/coachscorner or email her at liz@deliverchange.com.