At E3 2008, Square Enix shocked the world by claiming that, for the first time, a major Final Fantasy installment would be coming to the Xbox 360. Previously a PS3 exclusive, Final Fantasy XIII was the jewel in the crown of the Sony hype brigade. Well, they lost that battle (for it was truly a battle), and now they cry over spilled milk. The milk, in this case, being a clever metaphor for third-party exclusivity.

Square Enix has tried to assure fans that the game's multiplatform status will not affect the game's quality and that Final Fantasy XIII will be equal on both platforms. With the game almost ready to launch in Japan, it brings me great pleasure to say that Square Enix's claims are FALSE! Not only has the PS3 version's quality been compromised by Square Enix's decision, it has been reduced to far below that of the 360 version.

That's right, idiots! Final Fantasy XIII PS3 is going to SUCK compared to the 360 version and you know it. Don't believe me? You're only kidding yourself. Since you're obviously all sucking Sony's teat and can't see the truth forest for the lie trees, allow me, the lumberjack of righteousness, to chop you some fact logs with my reality axe. Ladies and gentlemen, FFXIII Xbox 360 WILL be blatantly better than FFXIII PS3, and I am about to show you why ...

The 360 version will ship on 120,000 discs:

While the PS3 version of Final Fantasy XIII will ship on just one Blu-ray, the 360 version will obviously require 120,000 DVDs to contain it. Yes, I know that to you IDIOTS it sounds like the 360 is getting a raw deal at first, but that's because you're stupid and can't see the bigger picture. First of all, more discs = more quality. This is a scientific and medical fact. The more discs something has, the better it will be, because you are clearly getting more material for your money. Why do you think George Harrison released All Things Must Pass as a triple LP? Because he knew that Final Fantasy XIII would be better on multiple discs and wanted to prove it, that's why!

Regardless of this, however, the multiple discs also makes for a more authentic old-school experience. Disc-swapping has been a staple of the Final Fantasy series ever since the franchise's first good game, Final Fantasy VII, shipped on three CDs. Final Fantasy VII started two traditions -- the tradition of FF not sucking, and the tradition of multiple discs.

Using this flawless logic, I hereby argue that the Xbox 360 version of Final Fantasy XIII will actually be the most authentic, and therefore the definitive version of the game. The PS3 version feels like a lie in comparison.

360 version was developed last so it is newer:

The PS3 version of Final Fantasy XIII is already finished, while Square Enix continues to work on the 360 version. Guess what, losers -- that means the 360 version will be technically newer than the PS3 version. HA! Enjoy your five-year-old game engine and outdated graphics, morons. I'll be sitting back and relaxing with a game that was developed the week before release. It'll have that new car smell and everything.

It's simple. Would you want to eat a sandwich that was made half a decade ago, or a sandwich made from bread freshly baked that very morning and still warm to the touch? PS3 fanboys would try and convince you that the moldy, manky, shit-stained sandwich is the superior option. If you want to have your lungs turn to liquid and dribble out of your arse, by all means, go for it. Just try not to make a mess on the carpet when your brain bleeds from your eyes and your tongue turns black.

Final Fantasy XIII on PS3 will literally give you food poisoning if you play it. You're dicing with death the moment you touch the disc. Does your family want you to die? For God's sake, don't be so selfish. Think of the kids!

Achievements > Trophies:

The superiority of Achievements over Trophies has become so acknowledged that scientists have actually accepted it as one of the laws of physics. A man I know who says he's a scientist told me this was true, and I choose to believe him. Anyway, Final Fantasy XIII on the Xbox 360 will have Achievements, which obviously gives it the edge over the PS3 and its rubbish Trophies. Would you rather improve your Gamerscore, or make the PS3 take even longer to load your useless Trophies and perform that weird "syncing" process that seems to exist for no justifiable reason? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Achievements instantly add value to any game, while Trophies actively take value away because they're stupid and lame and nothing like Achievements except the bits that are a blatant rip-off. If you're not playing games to add to an arbitrary number that appears next to a name you made up for yourself, then you're doing it wrong. Go back to your casual games, noobs!

No forced installs on the 360 version:

Final Fantasy XIII will blatantly have a forced install on the PS3, making gamers wait for ten thousand years while most of the game is uploaded or downloaded or whatever it does to the PS3's hard drive. Not only are this obligated, they take far too long. Men have been known to put a PS3 game into the system, get married, have children, grow old and die before the game has even completed 10% of its installation process. The PS3 is like Jett Travolta -- beautiful but slow.

The 360, on the other hand, is fast, like a panther leaping on a bottle of light. Even if the 360 version of XIII had a forced install, it would be completed so fast that time itself would rupture and you would end up leaping into the bodies of people from the past, altering the course of history and looking into a mirror every episode before saying, "Oh boy."

The 360 version never forces installs on you, however. In fact, Microsoft has never been known to impose anything, ever, on its customers, and has always been about freedom, choice and putting the consumer first. Also, the Xbox 360 has never red ringed. Everyone lies about that.

Online multiplayer would be better on the Xbox 360 if Final Fantasy XIII had online multiplayer:

Final Fantasy XIII doesn't have multiplayer, but if it DID, then the Xbox 360 version would be the clear winner. Xbox Live is simply superior to the PlayStation Network -- or should I gay GAYGAYSTION WETWORK!? Sure, Xbox Live charges you for the privilege of doing things that should be free, but Xbox Live is still better because of infrastructure and servers and other things I don't understand.

In any case, the XBox 360 is the undisputed kind of online gameplay. Call of Duty, Halo and Killzone are all simply better when backed with the power of Xbox Live. If Final Fantasy XIII was a multiplayer game, there would be no contest, not even an illusion of choice. This obviously proves that Final Fantasy XIII is better on the 360, and if you can't see why then you're a retard.

Bayonetta is worse on the PS3 than on the Xbox 360:

This is yet another established fact that cannot be argued. Bayonetta on the PS3 is a slapdash port by Sega, and thus I have no reason to believe that Final Fantasy XIII won't be exactly the same. The 360 is the lead platform for everything, even Wii exclusives, which is why the PS3 version of Bayonetta is a pale and pathetic shadow of the much better 360 one.

Final Fantasy XIII will be little more than an awful port of the 360 version done by Sega because Square Enix doesn't want to waste its time on the shittier system that nobody cares about. History has already set the example, so it's definitely what is going to happen. PS3 is the home of rubbish Xbox 360 ports. It's the only thing it does well.

Final Fantasy XIII Versus will probably suck:

I have no idea what Final Fantasy XIII Versus is going to be like, but since I am a gamer, I have the special ability to make judgments about things I've never seen, let alone played. With that in mind, I do declare that Versus will be the worst game ever made and will probably give you tuberculosis. I mean, it's obvious that it will suck, isn't it? Just look at the facts:

It's called Final Fantasy XIII Versus, which doesn't even make sense. Fact.

The main character is a total emo and emos suck. Fact.

It's a PS3 exclusive. Fact.

Many other reasons. Fact.

As far as I'm concerned, Final Fantasy XIII begins and ends with Final Fantasy XIII. None of this Fabula Novella Crystalis Adendum Pringles bullshit that Square Enix is coming out with. They can shove that pretentious shit up their puckered spiceholes. Versus will suck, and since it's on the PS3, Final Fantasy XIII will also suck on the PS3 I guess.

The PSPgo definitely sucks:

The PSPgo is proof that Sony can't do anything right. Here was a great idea -- an all-digital PSP -- and Sony managed to fuck it all up with expensive games, a needlessly pricey system, and all manner of PR bullshit that wrecked the whole thing. Since Sony invariably ruins everything it touches, it will quite clearly ruin Final Fantasy XIII as well. The PSPgo stands as proof of Sony's never-ending incompetence.

Sony deliberately messes everything up because it loves disappointing customers. Kaz Hirai probably confirmed that once in a press conference or something. Sony will most likely take all the Blu-ray discs out of the boxes and replace them with flat, round discs of poo that Jack Tretton himself has personally sculpted into the shape of a disc. Then PS3 fans will take the poo out of the box and put the poo in the PS3 and then end up with poo in the PS3 and poo on their hands and will probably wipe the poo from their hands on their clothes so they have poo on their clothes and then they will sit down with poo on their clothes so poo ends up on the couch and everything will be covered in poo.

That's just the kind of thing Sony does, and I know that the average N4G commenter would do anything for the honor being covered in Jack Tretton's shit, but reasonable and sane human beings would rather go without.

Final Fantasy XIII has an "X" in the title ... LIKE XBOX!:

Also, the game is developed by Square Enix for the XBox 360. These signs are more than just coincidences. It was simply meant to be, and if you disagree with that, you clearly disagree with God and will go to fucking Hell, which is where all PS3 fanboys end up.

And that's just the blatant truth.

[About Jim Sterling: Jim Sterling is Destructoid's reviews editor and writes a wide variety of articles, including editorials such as this. He does not consider himself a journalist. His work can be humorous or serious, but it's up to you to decide which articles are which. The opinions expressed -- be they satirical or sincere -- are entirely his own and don't reflect the opinions of Destructoid's staff as a whole. He might annoy you sometimes, but his aim is never genuine offense. Try and take him for what he is -- one guy having fun on the Internet and talking about videogames.]

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