So I gave a very brief update about what happened to me on Thursday and now I would like to elaborate. Not just for the sake of venting but one day I hope to be able to look back on this experience as a leaning experience. Right now I do not see it quite that way as I am still in the thick of it and pretty sedated on anxiety meds (which this will be the last I take of them as I have found something natural from the Health Food store today!

Thursday, at least I think it was Thursday looking at the last time I posted. It all start at 12:00 noon when I got to my therapist office, I went through a session that left me vulnerable, after which I drove next door to the Gas station to fill up my tank which I do every Thursday after session because gas is cheap in that area compared with min almost a .25 per gallon difference!

While I was pumping my gas I noticed this guy who looked shady (I try not to stereotype which is pretty hard not to do when someone is looking at you like they wanna kill you) anyways, he kept staring at me so hard that I was totally uncomfortable and since I felt vulnurable I had to courage to stare him down. So I kept my eyes down and whenever I looked up at him he was still staring, anyways I finished pumping my gas and left and went home. So during that time as he was staring at me it brought up feelings of shame and guilt from my assault so long ago. And then I lost it, I went home and packed a bag that contained paper, pen, knife, scissors and 2 razors, I then drove to a remote place and started writing letter to everyone telling them I was sorry for what I was about to do, I put them in an envelope and taped it to the steering wheel on the front it had my info, where I lived, emergency contact etc… and then I proceeded to cut…..

At first I start just slicing up my arms like when I am S/H but this was more intense I did it so many times. I was bleeding and just rubbing my fingers in it (I really had lost it at this point). Then I took the knife and started tracing it on my wrist and started cutting close to my wrist at this point I felt this deep loneliness which I then called my friend. We started talking and to make a weird story short I ended up at my house, my friend came and the police were called by my therapist (who I was on the phone with at one point yelling and waving a 7″ knife). I was taken to the hospital and watched like a hawk by the nurses by over night (even to the bathroom) I couldn’t wear any of my clothes, rings, etc….The next day I was evaluated by a pshychiatric nurse (she was very nice and told me after she found out I am a Psych Major (go figure) that she believe these experinces will make a me a better therapist) I will never see her again……

Anyways later that afternoon EMT’s came and delivered me to a Psychiatric Clinic to stay overnight and if I was still deemed a threat I was to be transported to a Psych hospital to stay for 72 hrs. When I got there I was allowed to change back in to my regular clothes THANK GOODNESS I finally started to feel normal again, Jeans never felt so comfy lol. Anyways I was then evaluated again and was told that I had to stay for 24hrs and they would re-evaluate me again in the morning. *sigh* I knew I belonged there but there were some really crazy people in there. There were people talking to themselves (Schizophrenics) people doped up on meds. There were three people 2 of which were men walking up and down the small lobby one was bending down and yelling whenever he reached the corner of the room, I finally could not take it and decided to go and lay down (I could have all my stuff except my cell phone) which left me paralyized, I had a book but could not focus. I was scared and exhausted as I had only 2hrs of sleep while at the hospital. My husband came to visit me and he tried to cheer my up but I knew he was scared for me.

My husband had to go home and then I was alone for the remainder of the night. There was a woman there and she was heavily sedated, I remember she actually said Hi and smiled at me, she introduced herself but I can’t remember her name, I think it was started . She was one the people walking up and down the lobby, she said she was trying to keep from falling asleep because of the meds by walking and how it was not good for her to be sleeping all day. There was a guy named Jack who worked there and he was sooo nice to me!! and really cool, he was like an old timer. He said “you are too young to be here”. He got me food, offered me extra blankets and a sleeping pill, I needed one cuz I was to terrified to sleep in this place. While I was waiting for the meds to kick in I said the “M” girl leave by ambulance, she was being transported to a hospital. How weird to know I will never see her again. Finally the meds kicked in and the last thing I remember while laying down is a woman who was paranoid that the world was out to get her, they were in the room across from mine and I could hear them having to give her something to sedate her as she was becoming irate. Sigh….scary

Meds kicked in and I was sleep sometime about 10pm I awoke at 7am and offered breakfast which I agreed to as I was hungry (medication side effect, I am never ever hungry at that time) . So I walk out there I now see a few new faces, people who must have come throughout the night, I was EXTREMELY GROGGY! The meds were still in my system, I have never been this groggy before. I was confused my thought process was cloudy I hated it! I sat down and started eating my breakfast (egg on an English muffin, with american cheese and tomatoe, I had no appetite (esp for such a heavy meal) but I was sooo hungry, so I took a bite and saw that the egg was runny (YUCK, i hate that!) I was not trying to be picky but man I hate runny eggs. So I ended up peeling off the english muffin and eating it and drinking the juice and going back to sleep. There was a new girl who was sharing my room who went to the bathroom (there was one is our room) left the door open and used the tissues (which were blood and pee stained) that she used to clean herself on the floor)…..Dear god!!

I was woken up again at 8:15ish I think and was told the doctor wanted to see me again to evaluate me to see if I needed to go to the hospital or if I could go home. (FYI I was just as groggy as I was before). After some questions which I don’t remember all I can remember saying was “yes I still have thoughts of suicide but no, I do not have plan” they told me to have my husband come by 9am which he got there at 9:20 I was furious he was late because after my eval I went and sat on my bed and hugged my books just staring at the clock super groggy. I found out he was there at 9 but they made him wait in the lobby. They gave me some meds that morning they said will help me feel better but it will conflict with the meds in my system initially and make me groggier. We then went home and I slept and slept and slept all day and night for 2 days its all a blur I remember drifting in and out of consciencness, wandering around the house, eating drinking and sleeping.

Yesterday I had a melt down and almost ended up back at the hospital, feelings triggered from my assault which spiked y anxiety levels. I ended up just coming home and medicating myself on Seroquel. Felt better and because I do not like meds and I prefer natural stuff I went to a Health Food Store today and the lady there recommended a “Gaba” product and I bought it and took it today. Whoa this stuff is niice! I do not feel groggy, just mellow and relaxed. I can’t deny the thoughts of suicide are there but they are definetly way more manageable then before. Without the nasty side effects of the other meds (Confusion, extreme hunger, bloody nose, stiff joint pain)

I know a lot of this pain and issues I have stems from my feelings of shame and guilt from my assault and that is what my therapist wants to start tackling but I need to be stable first and so I hope this herbs that I am taking will help do that and we can finally tackle this problem once and for all. I have not been writing too much lately because of school. I was taking a Soc and Psych class, this semester I have 4 classes (not sure how many I am going to keep considering what my life is like now, we’ll see) I have a Psych, Writing, Art Hist and Bio class. Plus Math tutoring. It could go either way, either these classes keep my nice and distracted or they will be a weight that I might have to let go of. Only time will tell….Class starts Monday and I already have homework to do (my Bio Professor emailed me) ….joy (I must say I thoroughly enjoyed me Soc class, so much so I was thinking of majoring in it, but my Professor said I should minor in it as I will have more opportunities as a Psychologist then a Sociologist, so that’s what I plan on doing. I am even taking his Social Psych class this Fall.

I should be able to write more now that I downloaded the WordPress app on my phone.

Feels weird knowing I was in a Mental Hospital….Sigh….One day I hope to look back and be able to tell this store to younger people to warn them to get help before they end up in a Psych ward like I did.

(sorry I do not proof read, I would not do it in my journal and I ain’t doin it here)

I want to cut so badly tonight……what stops me is I am too exhausted to go get my razor and I need to use the restroom and I am burning up with a slight fever…..I have no desire to sleep and I feel to miserable to sleep. I do not have my trusty nyquil to sleep……….

I want this night to end, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow……………..

(P.S. My new therapist is working out) GOD, can Thursday come quicker???????

Doesn’t help that I started my period yesterday does it??????

Can I add that I have heart burn and am hungry for something that I do not have in this house!!!!!! I a thirsty but to tired to get up…….I don’t want school to start in 2 days!!!

Again I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I want this night to END!!!!

Actually make that this who god damn year and a half to end!!! pleeeeeeeease make it stop!!

I am sitting here on my sofa, feeling numb and disconnected……I feel completely detached from my surroundings, no desire to to do anything at the moment no matter how fun it is….I can’t think of anything that will make me feel better but getting in bed which I cannot do because I have things I have to do.

A lot of time people do not understand what I am going through because I am very good at laughing and seeming like I am normal….when I am far from it……..