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Tuesday, 17 November 2015

A Letter to my Ex

To the
father of my beautiful son,

I am
writing this letter in hopes that it will be my last, to forgive you and to
forgive myself. I was taught a few years ago that in order to heal from hurt,
you have to write a letter to the one who hurt you and since hearing from you
and having an address to send this letter to, I might be able to finally to heal
from all of the pain you caused me and my son and let it go..

Together
we have a truly remarkable boy. I have loved watching him learn, laugh, grow
and thrive. He is intelligent, gentle, caring, considerate, honest, loving and
is such an amazing role model to those who look up to him. I have absolutely
loved watching him become a big brother who truly loves, cares for and protects
his little sister since she has been in his life and their bond is unbreakable.
He has such a big heart, a beautiful soul and shows love and kindness to all.
You should be very proud of all that he is.

My
only regret raising this beautiful boy was not being able to give him the type
of father he truly deserves. And that is something that has been so painful for
him, but also for me to watch him go through. Guilt just eats me up when I hear
him talking about wanting to get to know you. And it intensifies long after I
have soothed him with “I don’t know where your father is” and “Mama’s here”.
Because while Jie has an image of the person he sees in the once or two visit
he gets with you a year, I know that this person is not who you are out in the
world or even two seconds after leaving.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant
with our son, you told me that you would always be there, you never wanted our
child to feel as if they weren’t loved by both parents. But you left, first
emotionally, then physically. You chose to be everywhere but here where we
needed you. I stood by you through the web of lies, the cheating, the beatings,
the emotional abuse, the broken promises, the loneliness and somehow believed
that although you did all of these things to me, that you actually loved me.

But my
faith is Jesus is what led me away from you on the end. While you were away I
found a woman’s domestic violence support network and began getting strong
enough to stand up to you. I was 19yo. That last beating you gave me before I
asked you to leave was because I believed that God wanted more for my life than
the constant cycle of abuse I had found myself in. Through God’s strength I was
able to say no more.

I have
hated you with every fibre of my soul Daniel. I hated the fact that you
chose the streets over your family, other people over your child, and I
was blamed for the consequences of your choices. But most importantly, our son
has suffered and that had made me hate you even more. And just as Jie and I are
in a better place with accepting that you are not here, that we only have each
other, you have to make contact and drag him through it all over again.

My
answer to you is again NO MORE!

If you
really want to do what is best for Jiedyn, you will leave us alone to live the
life we both deserve. Jie has stopped wanting to see you and is disappointed
to find out that you are in jail. I did not read the web of lies you wrote to
him in the card you sent him but allowed him to see it and know it was from
you. You have missed 10 years full of memories, laughter, love and complete
happiness alongside your one and only son but this was your choice to make and
only have yourself to blame.

Jiedyn
is happy and so so loved. At the end of the month he will be celebrating his 10th
birthday with friends who have been by his side and in his life daily since kindergarten and
throughout his primary school years. Peers he trusts and whom he knows he can always confide in.
I am thankful and so proud of him for making such wonderful friendships.

Daniel,
I forgive you for your absence in our lives and now thank you for this
opportunity to ask that you leave us alone. Jiedyn may share your genetic
make-up but thankfully he is nothing like you. He has a father he can always
trust in and loves his Lord God with all of his heart. He will never fail him.
Please understand that we do not wish to hear from you further. This also means
through mutual friends or people in the small town we live in. We have no care
to hear about your thieving, your drug habit, your debts etc.