death penalty

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Jared Fogle, the former Subway pitchman who was accused and now convicted of having sex with children, has reportedly received the death sentence for his crimes.

“He was originally only going to get 15 years in prison, with another 10 years of probation afterwards,” said Joe Goldsmith, Esq., a lawyer arguing for the prosecution. “We felt that was not enough. Everyone knows that old saying, ’15 will get you 20?’ Well in this case, 15 only got him 15, and we didn’t feel that was harsh enough. On appeal, we won the verdict we were seeking.”

After a new court hearing, Goldsmith says that they were able to secure a harsher verdict, and that Fogle will now face the death penalty.

“It’s probably, possibly, just a little more harsh that you’d think it should be, because the punishment is supposed to fit the crime, but hell – we got people in jail for life with no parole for smoking weed, and that’s some serious punishment-not-fitting-the-crime bullshit right there,” said Goldsmith. “If those people can get screwed like that then, hey, no reason we can’t screw Fogle, right? Not that he hasn’t been screwed enough by those poor children.”

In a shocking series of events, a semi-automatic handgun has been charged with the murder of 3 people in Moneta, Virginia, after a widely-broadcast shooting recently took place. Prosecutors are saying that since the alleged shooter was also killed, the only responsible party remaining is the actual gun itself.

“After murdering two people, the gunman used this semi-automatic pistol to then kill himself, leaving nothing behind except for the gun,” said prosecuting attorney Myles Shepherd. “Guns are extremely dangerous, and we feel it is time that they should be held accountable for their crimes.”

Attorneys for the defense team say that the Ruger semi-automatic handgun was acting under the control of someone else, and should therefore not be held accountable for its actions.

“This gun was simply doing what guns were made to do, and that’s fire off rounds shamelessly into the bodies of other people, even if that happens on national TV and in videos posted to social media,” said defense attorney Jeremiah Clifford. “Yes, people were killed. Yes, it was senseless and violent. But is that really the fault of the gun, or the person who was holding it? Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

“People may kill people, sure, but guns kill way more often. We strongly believe that guns are to blame for the crime and hate in this world, and that finally holding the weapon responsible will force peace everywhere,” said Shepherd. “Guns across the globe will be afraid to fire. They will no longer hurt and kill innocent people. They will be held accountable for their actions, and we may finally get some resolution to the problems of violence plaguing our nation.”

A hearing is set for this week in the Moneta County court system. If convicted, the gun could, ironically, face the death penalty.