The Cox family of Burlington: fostering children’s future

Thursday

Jun 26, 2014 at 7:47 PMJun 26, 2014 at 7:57 PM

By Janet KnudsenBurlington@wickedlocal.com

In 17 years, Suzanne and Dayton Cox have cared for 76 children in need.After having two sons of their own, Suzanne and Dayton Cox were considering adoption. They attended an informational class given by the Home for Little Wanderers in Boston. That class and a subsequent 10-week training course convinced them to take a different path.That was 17 years and 76 foster children ago.Their foster children have included long-term placements of children they eventually adopted, short-term placements where children were either returned to their families or adopted by others and placements called “Hotline” care – emergency overnight stays for children taken out of dangerous situations. It is for these latter circumstances that Suzanne and Dayton keep two extra beds, a crib and a bassinet always ready. “We ended up with this big house for a reason,” said Dayton, telling an almost magical story of how forces conspired to enable the purchase of their seven-bedroom home in Burlington. The couple has two biological sons: Philip, 25, and Jeremy, 20. They also have four children they adopted after fostering (Shanica, 21, Portia, 17, Manuel, 15, and Samuel, 12). The family is currently fostering a 13-year-old girl, originally from Haiti.“Each child is different,” said Dayton. “When you think you’ve seen it all, a new one comes along and brings new challenges.” Adopted son Manuel was born addicted to drugs and weighing less than 3 pounds. When he phoned Suzanne during this interview, you could hear the love in both of their voices. Adopted son Samuel was brought to the United States from Ethiopia by a couple planning to adopt him. Due to the language barrier he believed he had been kidnapped and didn’t bond with his adoptive parents. They relinquished him to the foster care system, where he passed through a succession of foster homes before being placed with Suzanne and her husband. Suzanne learned he wanted to be a permanent part of their family when he started using the last name Cox on his school papers.Suzanne recounted the joy of teaching one birth father how to care for his son, who she fostered for three years, so that the two could be reunited. The father eventually got custody. This experience was so rewarding for her that she hopes someday to take in pregnant teen girls, providing them with enough support so they can finish high school and not lose their children. Structure & consistency The family sits down together for dinner at 5 p.m. every day. Satisfying everyone’s food preferences can be challenging when, at any given time, family members might have roots in countries as diverse as Haiti and Vietnam. Salad is always provided as an option for those who have never seen, let alone tasted, a sprout or asparagus. Suzanne said the family doesn’t eat out often, but that the large multiracial family gets lots of attention when they do. She remembered one dinner at Applebee’s when a diner at a neighboring table picked up the family’s entire dinner tab because he was so impressed with her children’s good behavior. Dayton stressed the importance of keeping kids busy. All the Cox children have chores and are encouraged to volunteer for good causes. This past Martin Luther King Day several of the kids helped him pick up food from the Whole Foods where he works and deliver it to a local food pantry. Resources & challenges Suzanne praised the 10-week training course for prospective foster parents provided by DCF, MAPP (Massachusetts Approach to Partnerships in Parenting), particularly the way it prepares foster parents for the special needs and learning disabilities of many foster children. “They try not to sugarcoat what you’re in for,” she said. “About half the class disappears before the end of the 10 weeks.”Additional support is provided to foster parents by a foster care specialist that is teamed with the family from the initial home study through court proceedings, school meetings and more. This is in addition to a social worker, an attorney and a therapist that is assigned to each foster child.Suzanne admitted that being a foster mother can be overwhelming, and it’s not for everyone. She explained that foster parents need lots of patience, a willingness to ask for help and acceptance of a lot of intrusion in their lives from attorneys, investigators, therapists, caseworkers and others. They need the ability to establish good relationships with people in and out of the system, even though it can sometimes feel intimidating. For instance, she cited the importance of a strong rapport with medical practitioners. Her current foster daughter hasn’t been to a dentist in her whole life.“It’s not going to be easy and that’s what folks need to know,” said Suzanne. “Only take on what you can handle, take all the training that is offered to you, and do it for the kids, not for your own ego.”Persevere & heal The common denominator that Suzanne sees among her successes and the successes of other foster and adoptive parents is perseverance. “You can’t give up, in spite of the issues these kids have,” she said. “There are no perfect children. Foster children often feel like failures. Some have had a long history of failed placements. Some have suffered serious trauma, abuse and neglect, and all the love in the world isn’t going to change that.”Suzanne has seen anger manifested in many ways, including children cutting themselves, screaming, setting fires, and verbally abusing her. “They don’t feel like they deserve love, so they keep people at a distance,” she said. “They want to be in a family, but they don’t know how to behave in a normal family setting.”Suzanne has learned to appreciate the small milestones of normal family life, like watching a child receive a high school diploma or hearing her two teenaged daughters giggling together.Explaining his and Suzanne’s success at foster parenting, Dayton emphasized the importance of just sitting back and listening to children. “Kids open up more than you would think. Sometimes it’s like shaking up a bottle of soda,” he said.DCF’s website describes foster care as “a temporary safe and healing place for a child.” Provided the environment is deemed safe, DCF’s goal for most foster children is to return them to their families.Though most of their foster children were temporary placements, Suzanne and Dayton have had continued contact with many of them. Suzanne beamed as she shared photos and reported on their high school graduations, college scholarships and weddings.What was Mother’s Day like for a woman who has mothered 76 children? “Crazy,” said Suzanne, “but it’s crazy here all the time.”