Yesterday, the FedEx driver and recognizable sistah, dropped off the latest batch of medication flown in from the Freedom Fertility Pharmacy in Byfield, Mass. Tucked inside was a credit card receipt for $2362.59. For many, that’s the equivalent of a house payment or two depending on where you live. For us, this is the first installment of moolah that we’ll layout with another round of IVF.

We’re approaching our third try and having the injections on hand is part of the preparation. After our second attempt didn’t work, Jeanine and I consulted our fertility specialist to regroup on the options and he immediately introduced donor eggs into discussion.

In our private talks, Jeanine and I said we would move on to adoption if she couldn’t get pregnant. Donor eggs never came up in the conversation – until now! Where can I get me some of those fresh, young eggs? But hold on, not that simple. Expect me to ramble on about the expense further down the page, but money aside, who knew there would be so much emotion around “should we or shouldn’t we” buy eggs.

The idea of relinquishing the bio-mama role to another person is riddled with issues and something I never considered. All along, I’ve planned to be the adoptive parent so the concept of my own flesh and blood was never a part of my mindset.

Peggy Orenstein wrote a fascinating feature in the The New York Times magazine a few weeks back called “Your Gamete, Myself” and it covered the complexities with contemplating this option. She writes, “Why don’t you just adopt? That is the first question most people ask if you say you’re considering egg donation. It’s the question I asked myself, as had every potential donor recipient I spoke with. Why create a child where none existed? Why spend the money on something that’s not a sure bet? Why ask another woman, even (or maybe especially) a friend, to inject herself with drugs — drugs whose side effects, although unlikely, could require hospitalization and even, in extremely rare instances, be fatal. (Recipients of donor eggs are required to buy supplementary health insurance for the donors in case something untoward occurs.)”

“The answers among the women I met were both deeply personal and surprisingly consistent… these women longed for the experience of pregnancy, childbirth and breast-feeding. Often they (or, more often, their husbands) resisted adoption, reasoning that egg donation would be psychologically easier on the child, who would be born — rather than relinquished — into its family. They wanted the opportunity to hand-pick a donor’s genes rather than gamble on a birth mother’s and father’s.”

“The notion that blood is thicker than water, that we can pass on our best — or someone else’s best — characteristics (but somehow not our worst) is a powerful one, even though anyone who has biogenetic children will tell you that they can be as different from one another, and from their parents, as strangers. Women using donor eggs know that. But the dream, the hope, of replicating oneself dies hard.”

I had no idea Jeanine carried so much emotion with her wish to replicate herself. We agreed early on that we would try three rounds of IVF (at $12,000 a pop) and even though the odds are stacked against us, she’s not ready to move on and consider donor eggs or adoption. Hence, the injections and doctor visits will begin again soon.

But in parallel, we’re doing our egg research and it’s going to cost us a pretty penny should we decide to do it. But before anyone will take our checks… there are more ethical hurdles to overcome as I’ve learned from Orenstein and the many women who question the morality of egg donation.

She writes, “Taking into your home a baby who needs one is inherently more ethical than pursuing a very intensive route to have a biological child,’ one potential donor recipient told me. Perhaps that’s why public support for and approval of parents who use donor gametes is lower than for those who adopt — the former is presumably perceived by some as a rather selfish act and the latter a selfless one. Yet adoption has often come with its own ethical quandaries, whether it was the girls ‘in trouble’ who were pressured to give up their children in the 1950s or the current State Department caution against adopting from Guatemala in the wake of reports of child smuggling. What’s more, the idea of healthy infants who ‘need’ homes, particularly white infants, is a myth: domestically, demand has always far outstripped supply.”

All this talk and research makes me want to raise my hands in despair and wonder if we’ll ever get the baby! And how will we finally end up getting it? Ethics and morality aside, we have a finite amount of money to spend and when it’s gone, it’s gone. Donor eggs will set us back another $25,000. Adoption has its own costs and options.

At what point do you start looking at this as a business decision and what’s going to give us the greater return on investment verses rolling the dice – Vegas style. For me personally, I think we should be betting on donor eggs at this stage but Jeanine wants to write one more chapter before closing the bio-book. Perhaps it will have a happy ending. Or set us up for the sequel. You never know. Another $12,000 will tell.

No matter what you do, do not allow any process to block that child’s right to his or her complete biological identity. I know there’s some reason to think it’s somehow less traumatic to be born into the family that’s raising you, but it is also traumatic to find out you were manufactured and have no right to know all of who you are.

I’d like to take issue with the supply-demand quote you use above. Sure, healthy white babies aren’t as common in the foster care or adoptiong system, but I wonder why there is such a demand for them, especially among glbt couples. Obviously people will know both parents aren’t “biologically” parents in a glbt family, so what’s the big deal about having a white baby, its not like you’re fooling anyone. It just makes me uncomfortable because I think it is sort of discriminatory towards people with disabilites and people who are of different races… I guess that’s why I don’t support public/insurance funding of infertility treatments. There really are so many children who need homes, I wish more people would adopt… including straight people!

But also, I want to thank you for being so real on a personal finance site. It’s so unhelpful to hear about everyone behaving perfectly with their money. Money is so complicated and emotional and you really capture that here.

I mean, what a huge amount of money to spend, and what huge questions to ask yourself. But you are a model for being real and honest about money and the issues surrounding money. Thanks.

You might consider a shared cycle, where one woman donates half her eggs in exchange for lower ivf costs. I’m trying to do that. That way the donor has already decided to do the fertility drugs and assume the risks. Plus, it’s cheaper for you.