Feb. 8, 2010: Is That A Zit on Your Forehead or Are We Being Followed?

While you and I have been tending to the mundane matters of life like filing our taxes and paying our bills, members of the General Assembly have been watching too many science fiction movies.

Sen. Chip Pearson (R-Dawsonville) aided by Sen. Majority Leader Chip Rogers (R-Woodstock), recently pushed a bill through the State Senate making it illegal to implant microchips or tracking devices into an individual without their permission. Eat your heart out, Alabama.

Pearson admits he knows of no case where there has been a complaint made about such a dastardly act nor has he met anyone who has had a microchip installed on their forehead disguised as a zit, but decided that with the state’s budget problems under control, transportation issues resolved, teacher morale higher than Brasstown Bald, ethics issues nonexistent and no immediate threat of a Martian invasion, this would be as good a time as any to solve a problem that doesn’t exist.

Rogers was ecstatic at the overwhelming support of his colleagues and was seen running up and down the halls at the capitol yelling, “I am Mork from Ork. Nanoo! Nanoo!”

The measure now goes to the House, where it will be combined with a bill prohibiting senators from wasting everybody’s time with stupid stuff that has all the relevance of an earthworm.

At the risk of appearing not to appreciate the bold action taken by our forward-thinking solons, I must admit that I am not necessarily opposed to sticking a little beeper here and there on some miscellaneous body parts. I would start with the legislators themselves. We could plant the little sucker in the middle of their egos and they would never know it was there. I don’t know about you, but I would rest easier if I knew somebody or something was watching them. They can get into mischief if left to their own devices.

I hope to get one placed on the Woman Who Shares My Name, too. That way, every time she goes to the grocery store and heads for the broccoli bin an alarm will sound and I can hide in the attic with the cheese sauce until she gives up and fixes me some peanut butter squares.

Of course, it would be just like her to slip one of those high-tech gizmos on my epiglottis and discover that I am hiding in the attic along with the cheese sauce. I would get no peanut butter squares, just broccoli covered in cold cheese sauce. Sometimes high-tech isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Sheila, the Family Wonderdog can’t understand what all the fuss is about. People have been putting microchips on dogs for a long time now and she says nobody in the state Senate ever expressed any concern about that. She thinks the problem is that senators are jealous of dogs because they are smarter than senators and don’t need political contributions to survive, just a can of Alpo.

Sheila doesn’t like having tracking devices on her body. She said when she has to answer nature’s call she had just as soon not have everybody in the neighborhood know. Dogs have feelings, too. I don’t want to upset Sheila, who is very sensitive, but a tracking device doesn’t seem necessary for a dog that sleeps 22 hours a day.

Sources tell me that now that the state Senate has disposed of this critical matter, they are ready to take up the question of whether or not to license witch doctors.

“This may seem like another trivial issue to those Georgians who lie awake at night wondering if they will have a job tomorrow,” said Pearson, “but without trivial issues why would we need a state Senate?”

He makes an excellent point.

I hope you will express your gratitude to your local senator for not allowing us to become a walking GPS. The next time you see him or her on the street, raise your light saber and declare “The force be with you.” Nanoo! Nanoo!

Meet Dick Yarbrough

Dick Yarbrough is a Southern philosopher, political pundit and straight-shooting humorist all rolled into one. Seen weekly in nearly one million households throughout Georgia, his column is an artful mix of comedy and candor that leaves readers amused, inspired or enraged, but always engaged!

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