Holy shitsnacks. Ptak Science Books came across this crazy apparatus by accident, and from what we can gather, this was an actual proposed idea by a married couple named George and Charlotte Blonsky. Brace yourselves.

The sole purpose of the "APPARATUS FOR FACILITATING THE BIRTH OF A CHILD BY CENTRIGUGAL FORCE" (AFFTBOACBCF, perhaps, for short?) is as such:

"to provide an apparatus which will assist the under-equipped woman by creating a gentle, evenly distributed, properly directed, precision-controlled force, that acts in unison with and supplements her own efforts.

GENTLE?! That contraption looks anything but gentle. And who might this machine be meant for?

"In the case of a woman who has a fully developed muscular system and has had ample physical exertion all through the pregnancy, as is common with all more primitive peoples, nature provides all the necessary equipment and power to have a normal and quick delivery. This is not the case, however, with more civilized women who often do not have the opportunity to develop the muscles needed in confinement."

Thank goodness for modern technology, because these are the things nightmares are made of, people! View the original government patent filings from 1965 below, with many more at the source.