Author
Topic: All it takes.... (Read 1236 times)

I have been feeling pretty good about things lately. I have had fellow wid friends tell me that I seem to be doing very well (I wouldn't accept that from DGIs, but it means something from fellow wids). I more or less have day to day under control. I actually enjoyed my last trip to the grocery store. I think I have things sorted out with my work schedule and my dog (LH and I had unusual work schedules and one of us was always able to get back home for the dog. That was a big change for me). I don't feel that lonely in the house anymore. All seems to be going pretty well, right? Ya.... then the grief monster rears its ugly head. There were a few small things today - an email to a friend whose son just lost his wife which stirred up lots of those early days feelings, a conversation with a DGI colleague. She is lovely but tried to offer me some advice on things that I did not need nor want to hear from her. But the straw was a simple, stupid text. A text that suggested I might have a job opportunity in another city months and months from now. Not even sure it is a job I want or in a city I want to get to. But it took me to the future. The future I avoid thinking about as much as possible. So many times today that I wished I had my unwavering support by my side to help me decide, to hold me and say it would all be ok, that I am good enough and loved despite any and all shortcoming. But of course the irony is that if he was here, none of these things would be happening.

On days like this I sometimes allow myself to imagine what would September 13, 2016 have been if he were still here? What the routine was. oh, for the old life back. It's like I can manage a foot in the past and another in the present. But when one gets stuck in the past and the other in the future, my footing is too far apart and I fall. And it reminds me that I have a ways to go in the process. It's ok because, well it has to be ok. Things are what they are. It is just so overwhelming someways. And I know you all get that.

Yes, I definitely understand how those triggers can hit you out of nowhere. I also try not to look too far into the future. It hurts too much to think about a future without him in it. I've learned that when the grief waves happen, it doesn't take me back in my progress. It does make me hurt a lot, though.

I find that big decisions and happy news are a big triggers so I can understand why the job opportunity would start that grief wave. I miss having that one person who understood what things meant without me having to explain myself.

You are doing well, you are surviving the unimaginable. Those good days give you a chance to catch your breath and build your strength for when the inevitable grief wave strikes. Over time they become less frequent and less strong but at 3 years I can tell you there is still the occasional wave I don't see coming that knocks me on my ass. The difference is that now I know I will eventually get back on my feet again and enjoy the walk on the beach.

TooSoon

I just wanted to stop in, too, to say from somewhere going on 4 years, that while every now and then something will trigger a panic in me (and I still have the capacity for spectacular meltdowns but I might always have had that capacity), by and large, it doesn't happen so much anymore and when it does, I bounce back much more quickly than I did before. In fact, I was just thinking this morning about my state a year ago and two years ago at the beginning of a new school year and how much better things are, how much better - more whole - I am now. It is so cliche and cringeworthy even to say it but time has been my very best friend in this journey. Sending you support and empathy!

Thinking of the future is hard in our position. I can make short term future goals but long term ones pull at my heart. I can't think or decide on things that seem to be a great time away from the present that i'm trying to live.

I am glad you are doing well but totally understandable how you felt tripped up.