The All-Purpose Chris Brown Apology Letter

Sometimes it’s a good thing to be listed in the company of Kobe Bryant, Cee-Lo and Tracy Morgan, and sometimes it isn’t. This, unfortunately, would have to be one of the latter circumstances, as Chris Brown was caught yesterday using the word “gay” as a negative when shouting at some photographers recently for tipping the cops off about his illegaly parked car. (To wit: “”Y’all n—as is weak. Did you call them to try and film me? Y’all n—as is gay!”) Standard Operating Procedure for celebrities apologizing for their gay slurs is to go the Twitter mea culpa route, and indeed, Breezy did just that today:

And then he kept doing it. And continued to keep doing it. By this afternoon, he’d racked up non-apologies nearing the double digits, and by the time you read this, they might just be there. All this semi-apologizing has got to be tiring, you know? So we at Popdust took the liberty to draft an all-purpose apology letter for Chris Brown, applicable to any future gaffes. We’d really rather prefer him never having to use it, but you know.

Dear (Offended Party),

I just wanted to apologize to all the (Group of People) out there if my (Derogatory Noun/Adjective) comments yesterday offended y’all. You know that Fans are my Everything and I would never do anything to increase the amount of negativity in the world!! I was feeling very (Emotional State) at the time and did not realize what I was saying or how violent I was getting and nobody should have been provoking me anyway. I have talked to (Advocacy Group) and they understand that I love the (Subtly Demeaning Term For Disenfranchised Group) community and this drama is all just because the (Group of Haters) don’t want to see me shine!! But I know that my fans will continue to rep for me because I Cherish them and they know how hard it is to be Chris Brown! And y’all (Aforementioned Group of People) shouldn’t take offense to things so easily because this is the real world and I can’t be watching every single thing I say 24 Hours a Day!

So can we all move on from this nonsense and y’all can catch me on (Daytime TV Show) tomorrow performing my new single “(Song with Now-Ironic Title Considering Recent Events)”! And if you have a problem with me you know where to find me! Love you #TEAMBREEZY! #dope #(Call Spurring Fans To Nonspecific Action