This Might Be Your Pretty New Batman

When Warner Bros. announced the Man of Steel sequel would feature Batman and be “inspired” by Frank Miller’s classic graphic novel The Dark Knight Returns everyone whose never touched a vagina just assumed this would entail an older, battle hardened Batman who would take Superman to task for totalling half of Metropolis just fighting one guy. Turns out inspired meant just that one part where Batman and Superman fight because, according to Cosmic Book News, they’re screen testing handsome, 25-year-old Teen Wolf star Tyler Hoechlin who will apparently defeat Henry Cavill’s Superman in a butterfly kisses battle until they become total bros.

“Now that we’re buds, you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“We bang sluts from TV shows who are kind of famous, but not famous enough to turn down anal?”
“I was going to say we join forces and fight crime, but that actually sounds awesome. *touches earpiece* Alfred, tell that kid I got from the circus to cover for me tonight. No, no, wait. *winks at Superman* Tell him I said he has to wear green booty shorts for a costume. — He fucking did it?! Ohmygod! Alright, dude, we’re out. Peace.”