Friday, 30 January 2015

Database of UK and Eire – Paedophiles and Child Abusers

Naming & Shaming UK Abusers of children

Now over 36,000 profiled (January 2015)- This website has been created as a resource tool for anyone with an interest in child safety. It is designed to keep parent/carers informed of child abusers who may be living in their area. The website lists UK child abusers who are still residing in all areas throughout the UK.

This database holds the offences of those offenders that have been convicted or cautioned for sexual offences against children. In some cases, we have also profiled offenders whose offences have been against persons aged over 16 years old, but who we deem pose a significant risk to children

The website legally runs under the Data Protection Act 1998. The Information Commissioner’s Office is the UK’s independent authority set up to uphold information rights in the public interest, promoting openness by public bodies and data privacy for individuals.

This is the only public database that profiles UK Paedophiles – Child killers and child abusers. Search by area, or offender and read the crimes and look at the photos of the most evil members of UK society

MORE than 400 children are sexually abused every week in Britain — one every 20 MINUTES

The 43 police forces in England and Wales recorded 23,097 child sex offences in 2011 and is equivalent to 444 attacks a week — or one child abused every 20 minutes, and the abuse is getting worse with paedophile rings being set up in almost every county in the UK.

Giving a voice back to the victims and survivors of Child sexual abuse

The sexual exploitation and abuse of children is nothing less than a form of terrorism. The severe fear and emotional traumas suffered by the abused can often last a lifetime, especially if the ‘secret’ is never revealed.

There is NO EXCUSE for child abuse! It has to STOP! The destruction of young lives and futures must not be tolerated for another year, day, hour or second! If you are intent on ruining an innocent child’s life, then you will forever be shamed and shunned by society for the evil things that you have done.

Children have rights in society and its every child’s right to live in a safe environment, free from harm.

Aims of this website

The contents of this website highlight the vast problem of abusers re offending time after time. Sentences are patchy, sparse and far too lenient, not to mention an absolute insult to the victims and their families. The laws need to change, sentencing needs to change, monitoring needs to change, and the rights and welfare of child abusers over children, also needs to change.

We hope to spread awareness of child abuse in today’s society and hope more survivors can find the courage to come forward and expose their abusers.

If you know of an offender who is not on this database, please get in touch and include all relevant information and if possible an on-line media report link.

If you have been affected by child abuse and your story was not covered by the media, please contact us with the relevant documentation.

The Admin of this database do not condone any acts of vigilantism after viewing the material contained on this site. It should be used for resource purposes only.

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Understanding Anti-Victim Prejudice

AVP exists and can be clearly seen within our child protection services and our Criminal Justice System. We simply need look at the language used in relation to sexually related crimes committed against children by all of the agencies/departments concerned in caring for/protecting them. This issue became transparently clear when Professor Alexis Jay released her Rotherham report. We have been campaigning/lobbying against AVP and for its removal from all organisations/systems for many years.

You might recall that, as part of her report, Professor Jay pointed out that child victims of sexual abuse had been labelled as “troubled” by the various agencies who should have been protecting or supporting those children. There was no reference by agencies responsible for the children which acknowledged or accepted out why they might actually be “troubled”. Had professor Jay not released her excellent and game changing report those children would have gone through life being thought of as “troubled teens” and not as child sexual abuse victims, which is what they actually were. This treatment of victims of child sexual abuse has gone on for decades and the way we view and describe victims of this crime type has, in thousands of cases, seriously prejudiced their chance of ever achieving justice. How they could then be expected to recover and become the people they would have become, had they not been abused first by the perpetrator and then by the systems set up to protect them and support them as victims, is beyond our comprehension.

As awarded advocates we wrote about AVP and the damage it does (not only to the abused children but to the very fabric of our Criminal Justice System itself) in our international best selling books Broken [Keenan: 2008] and Where Angels Fear [Keenan, Payne: 2009].

We cannot tell you how delighted we were when Anne Coffey MP recently raised the issues surrounding the phrase “Child Prostitute” in parliament. Changing this prejudicial language is not about being kind to the sensitivities of victims/survivors, though we should certainly be considerate of that. It is about something far greater. If you label a child a child prostitute what are you telling them and the rest of society the child is? If you label them a prostituted child what are you telling them and the rest of society they are? The latter removes all doubt regarding choice, consent and clearly indicates that the child in question is a victim of crime.

Sadly this is not the only phrase that prejudices children who suffer the consequences of these heinous crimes. The top five phrases we would like to see removed from all agencies as soon as possible are:

1. Child Prostitute

2. Rent boy

3. Child Porn

4. Historic Sex Crimes

5. Alleged victim

Children who are being abused should never be labelled “troubled” “attention seeking” “slags” or “slappers” [as identified in various reports] by anyone being paid from the public purse to care for, protect or support them and it is unacceptable that this prejudicial culture has continued for as long as it has. We should never refer to children as being in “relationships” with adult groomers/abusers/exploiters. We should never make note of the fact that we think these children have in any way “consented” to their grooming/abuse/exploitation. They are children, legally they cannot consent.

Until we change this culture the abuse of some of the most vulnerable in our society will continue, unchallenged and unhindered. We firmly believe we handed (perhaps blindly) child sexual abusers a fantastic tool which has allowed them to abuse. We armed abusers with the fact that when they told the children they were abusing “when you tell no one will believe you, no one cares” they were actually telling the children the truth.

This prejudice continues into adult life. An example would be when a mother, abused as a child, decides to finally report what had happened to her she is in danger of Social Services being notified. She then runs the risk of being investigated as though she were the criminal. The worst case scenario when this happens is that children are removed from loving, caring parents and placed in the very institutions that abused their mother. This, despite the fact, that their is no evidence to suggest there is a “circle” of sexual violence. In fact the majority of evidence suggests otherwise. If you knew you ran that risk would you tell?

When victims know that they will be treated as criminals is it any wonder they do not report? And when they don’t report the people who abused them will continue claiming victim after victim simply because of the way we view and treat victims of child sexual abuse.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post and we hope, if nothing else, it has opened your eyes to a system that acts prejudicially toward victims of child sexual abuse and makes clear how AVP allows and enables abuse to fester.

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Men who have been sexually abused in childhood are twice as likely to be out of work due to sickness and disability, a major ESRI study reveals.

It is the first research into the economic impact of abuse on the lives of adult survivors and confirms the knock-on effects for household income are "real and substantial".

The impact of child sexual abuse on women's employment was found to be much smaller and not statistically significant - but this may be due to fact that it was older age groups, who would have had lower workforce participation, who were the focus of research.

The findings are revealed in a new joint study by the ESRI and Trinity College which drew on data from the Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing (TILDA), involving 8,500 people over 50 who are living in Ireland.

The people involved suffered the abuse more than three decades earlier but its lasting impact is now affecting them financially.

They were interviewed between 2009 and 2011 about a wide range of issues such as income, wealth, job status and health. The analysis in the unique study may have particular use in assessing the compensation due to victims who have been abused.

ESRI researcher, Prof Alan Barrett said: "Through a self-reported questionnaire, they were also asked questions about sexual abuse suffered before the age of 18.

"The survey recorded a rate of abuse of 5.6pc in men and 6.7pc in women but this may be an underestimate given that people are reluctant to report the issue."

The results showed:

* 17pc of men who were abused were not working as a result of being sick or permanently disabled. This compared to 8pc for those who were not abused.

* 14pc of female survivors did not have job for the same reason - compared to 6pc among those who had not been abused.

The report pointed out that it is known from other research that abuse is associated with depression and that it is linked to breaks in labour force participation.

"We used statistical methods to disentangle possible links between abuse, sickness, disability and depression," it adds.

For men, the results suggest that survivors are three times more likely to be sick and disabled compared to other men, even when accounting for the impact of psychological difficulties.

The findings on household incomes showed they were 34pc lower for men who were abused in childhood. They were also twice as likely to be living alone compared to other men who were not abused.

The authors say the results highlighted the very long-term effects in terms of labour force participation and incomes.

Anxiety

"Our analysis was based on people aged 50 and over and the abuse occurred before they were aged 18," they said.

"Hence, it has been at least 32 years since the abuse was experienced.

"A labour force disadvantage among the victims is observed even when we control for depression and anxiety.

"This suggests that the impacts of childhood abuse are complex and multifaceted.

"It is more difficult to identify a link between childhood abuse and working life for women because of the particular age group," they said.

As economists, the authors were able to shed light on the job prospects of survivors but were "not qualified to say much more."

However, they say "one implication of these results arises in the context of compensation for survivors. The results here provide a quantification of the economic impacts on individuals of having experienced child sexual abuse."

While compensation should cover factors others than economic,it "seems that the economic impacts are real and substantial," they add.

The research is among the first of its kind untaken internationally and is important both in Ireland and abroad.

Previously, research has tended to be undertaken by researchers who had expertise in health and psychology.

Monday, 26 January 2015

A great deal of the healing process is about making changes. Changes to how we think, changes to how we respond to various stimuli, changes as to how we perceive ourselves. Some people will no doubt think "why should I change!? I didn't do anything wrong!" Well... By changing even small things in our lives we can start an avalanche of positive change that could benefit all aspects of our lives.

As with any form of therapy, it works much better if you want it too. Acceptance of the fact that you need help is a huge step. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. So come on. start to make some changes. Be your own hero!

What follows is just a list of ideas, obvious ones mostly that you could have thought of yourself, but that I hope are useful reminders. We all need reminders sometimes. If you find this useful, print it out, and start using it. Today.

Love. Perhaps the most important. Fall in love, if you aren't already. If you have one, fall in love with your partner all over again. Abandon caution and let your heart be broken. Love family members, friends, anyone it doesn't have to be romantic love. Love all of humanity, one person at a time. Most importantly. LOVE YOURSELF.

Get outside. Don't let yourself be shut indoors. Go out when it's raining. Walk on the beach, through the woods. Swim in a freezing lake. Bask in the sun. Play sports, or walk barefoot through grass. Walk your dogs, anything that gets you outside into the fresh air. Pay close attention to nature, she can be very soothing if you just sit quietly and watch.

Savour food. Don't just eat your food, but really enjoy it. Feel the texture, the bursts of flavours. Savour every bite. If you limit your intake of sweets, it will make the small treats you give yourself even more enjoyable. And when you do have them, really, really savour them. Slowly.

Create a morning ritual. Wake early and meet the day head on. Watch the sun rise. Out loud, tell yourself that you will not waste this day, which is a gift. You will be compassionate to your fellow human beings, and live every moment to its fullest. Stretch or meditate or exercise as part of your ritual.

Take chances. We often live our lives too cautiously, worried about what might go wrong. Be bold, risk it all. Quit your job and go to business for yourself (plan it out first!), or go up to that girl/guy you've liked for a long time and ask them out. What do you have to lose?

Follow excitement. Try to find the things in life that excite and thrill you, and then go after them. Make life one exciting adventure after another (with some quiet times in between in order to recharge and appreciate all that you are becoming).

Find your passion. Similar to the above tip, this one asks you to find your calling. Make your living by doing the thing you love to do. First, think about what you really love to do. There may be many things. Find out how you can make a living doing it. It may be difficult, but you only live once. Who wants to be stuck in a job that is merely a means to an end.

Get off your backside! Do you sit all day in front of computer, shuffling papers and taking phone calls and chatting on the Internet? Don't waste your days like this. Break free from the cubicle environment, and do your work on a laptop, in a coffee shop, or on a boat, or in a log cabin. This may require a change of jobs, or becoming a freelancer. It's worth it.

Turn off the TV. How many hours will we waste away in front of the tube? How many hours do we have to live? Do the math, then unplug the TV. Only plug it back in when you have a DVD of a movie you love. Otherwise, keep it off and find other stuff to do. Don't know what to do? Read further.

Pull away from online life. It is just more wasting away of your precious time. You cannot get these minutes back. Unplug the Internet, then get out of your office or house. Right now! And go and do something.

Travel. Sure, you want to travel some day. When you have holiday time, or when you're older. Well, what are you waiting for? Find a way to take a trip, if not this month, then sometime soon. You may need to make some cutbacks. You are too young to not see the world, no matter how old you think you are. Age is a matter of mind over matter! If need be, find a way to make a living by freelancing, then work while you travel. Only work an hour or two a day. Don't check email but once a week. Then use the rest of the time to see the world.

Rediscover what's important. Take an hour and make a list of everything that's important to you. Add to it everything that you want to do in life. Now cut that list down to 4-5 things. Just the most important things in your life. This is your core list. This is what matters. Focus your life on these things. Make time for them.

Eliminate everything else. What's going on in your life that's not on that short list? All that stuff is wasting your time, pulling your attention from what's important. As much as possible, simplify your life by eliminating the stuff that's not on your short list, or minimizing it. We all spend time on inconsequential activities. They are wasting your life.

Exercise. Get off the couch and go for a walk. Eventually try running. Or do some push ups and crunches. Or swim or bike or row. Or go for a hike. Whatever you do, get active, and you'll love it. Get your blood pumping and you will feel more alive.

Be positive. Learn to recognize the negative thoughts you have. These are the self-doubts, the criticisms of others, the complaints, the reasons you can't do something. Then stop yourself when you have these thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. Solutions. You can do this! Your opinion is really the only one that matters.

Open your heart. Is your heart a closed bundle of scar tissue? Learn to open it, have it ready to receive love, to give love unconditionally. If you have a problem with this, talk to someone about it. And practice makes perfect.

Kiss in the rain. Seize the moment and be romantic. Raining outside? Grab your lover and give him/her a passionate kiss. Driving home? Stop the car and pick some wildflowers. Send him/her a love note. Dress sexy for him/her.

Face your fears. What are you most afraid of? What is holding you back? Whatever it is, recognize it, and face it. Do what you are most afraid of. Afraid of heights? Go to the tallest building, and look down over the edge. Only by facing our fears can we be free of them.

When you suffer, suffer. Life isn't all about fun and games. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. We lose our jobs. We lose our lovers. We lose our pets. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. A parent dies. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life, really feel the pain. And when you're done, move on, and find joy. Don’t let the pain fester and invade other areas of your life.

Slow down. Life moves along at such a rapid pace these days. It's not healthy, and it's not conducive to living. Practice doing everything slowly, everything, from eating to walking to driving to working to reading. Enjoy what you do. Learn to move at a snail's pace.

Volunteer. Help at homeless soup kitchens. Learn compassion, and learn to help ease the suffering of others. Help the sick, those with disabilities, those who are dying.

Play with children. Children, more than anyone else, know how to live. They experience everything in the moment, fully. When they get hurt, they really cry. When they play, they really have fun. Learn from them, instead of thinking you know so much more than them. Play with them, and learn to be joyful like them.

Talk to old people. There is no one wiser, more experienced, more learned, than those who have lived through life. They can tell you amazing stories. Give you advice on making a marriage last or staying out of debt. Tell you about their regrets, so you can learn from them and avoid the same mistakes. They are the wisdom of our society, take advantage of their existence while they're still around.

Learn new skills. Constantly improve yourself instead of standing still, not because you're so imperfect now, but because it is gratifying and satisfying. You should accept yourself as you are, and learn to love who you are, but still try to improve, if only because the process of improvement is life itself.

Find spirituality. For some, this means finding God or Jesus or Allah or Buddha. For others, this means becoming in tune with the spirits of our ancestors, or with nature. For still others, this just means an inner energy. Whatever spirituality means for you, rediscover it, and its power.

Take mini-retirements. Don't leave the joy of retirement until you are too old to enjoy it. Do it now, while you're young. It makes working that much more worth it. Find ways to take a year off every few years. Save up, sell your home, your possessions, and travel. Live simply, but live, without having to work. Enjoy life, then go back to work and save up enough money to do it again in a couple of years.

Do nothing. Despite the tip above that we should find excitement, there is value in doing nothing as well. Not doing nothing as in reading, or taking a nap, or watching TV, or meditating. Doing nothing as in sitting there, doing nothing. Just learning to be still, in silence, to hear our inner voice, to be in tune with life. Do this daily if possible.

Stop playing video games. They might be fun, but they can take up way too much time. If you spend a lot of time playing online games, or computer solitaire, or Wii or Gameboy or whatever, consider going a week without it. Then find something else to do, outside.

Watch sunsets. One of the most beautiful times of day. Make it a ritual to find a good spot to watch the sunset, perhaps having a light dinner while you do so.

Break out from ruts. Do you do things the same way every day? Change it up. Try something new. Take a different route to work. Start your day out differently. Approach work from a new angle. Look at things from new perspectives.

Laugh till you cry. Laughing is one of the best ways to live. Tell jokes and laugh your head off. Watch an awesome comedy. Learn to laugh at anything. Roll on the ground laughing. You'll love it.

Lose control. Not only control over yourself, but control over others. It's a bad habit to try to control others, it will only lead to stress and unhappiness for yourself and those you try to control. Let others live, and live for yourself. And lose control of yourself now and then too.

Cry. Men, especially, tend to hold in our tears, but crying is an amazing release. Cry at sad movies. Cry at a funeral. Cry when you are hurt, or when somebody you love is hurt. It releases these emotions and allows us to cleanse ourselves.

Try something new, every week. Ask yourself: "What new thing shall I try this week?" Then be sure to do it. You don't have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life.

Be in the moment. Instead of thinking about things you need to do, or things that have happened to you, or worrying or planning or regretting, think about what you are doing, right now. What is around you? What smells and sounds and sights and feelings are you experiencing? Learn to do this as much as possible through meditation, but also through bringing your focus back to the present as much as you can in everything you do.

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Can recall your trauma clearly,but not what you did last week !You have PTSD

Odd isn't it or is it.? There is a clear reason why technically but let me explain it like this.

The reason is that the traumatic event has not been allowed into memory proper. It is always in front ...with the treatment technique I am showing you here, the recall will slip into memory proper and you will be free to live your life again. Of course,like all memories which are in the right place you may recall them if you wish, but no more unwanted recall!

Avoiding reminders, alcohol, tablets,counselling, power therapies do not stop the unwanted recall which is triggered by so many things: sounds, smells, images coming at you from anywhere.The Rewind Technique ,here clearly explained, will put you in control again. Testimonials? at www.artt.org.uk I am DR.DAVID MUSS- Director PTSD Unit Birmingham UK. Originator of the Rewind for PTSD and founder of the Association for Rewind Trauma Therapy.

Friday, 23 January 2015

Victims of sex crimes are frequently reluctant to disclose such crimes. Be they adult victims of rape, children currently being abused sexually or adults who were sexually abused in childhood.

Our sexuality is the most intimate and personal aspect of our lives. To have that invaded, soiled, and degraded is the most heinous of offences against our person.

It takes an immense amount of courage to tell someone that we have been a victim of sex crimes.Fear and coercion is frequently used to try and keep the victim silent and it's not just the perpetrator of the crime that tries to keep the victim silent. Family, friends, colleagues or authority figures often use the "shame" card or simply blunt disbelief to silence the victim. In so doing they are almost as guilty as the rapist or abusers themselves.

If the victim gets past these negative influences they then have to go through the process of retelling their history in order to try and seek justice, therapy and some closure. There have been some improvements in recent years, but nowhere near enough. The system itself is corrupt. The perpetrator must be seen as innocent until proven guilty. This basically makes the victim a liar until the courts decide they were telling the truth.

The language used to describe sex crimes is all too often prejudicial to the victim. More on this HERE.The reported figures of 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 3 girls as victims of a sexual crime is, in my opinion, far off the mark. I believe that boys and men are far more reluctant to disclose sexual crimes due mostly to the common held belief that men must be macho. MACHO

Havingorcharacterisedbyqualitiesconsideredmanly,especiallywhen manifestedinan assertive,self-conscious,ordominatingway. Refusal to show pain or presumed weakness in front of peers or authority figures.

How many men do you know that refuse to show pain, or admit illness? Would they freely admit that they had been "victims" and that they had been rendered helpless and attacked sexually? Not all men feel this way, otherwise there would be no reporting of sex crimes against men at all. Unfortunately, society still seems to expect men to be the strong, silent, tough guys. Men dare not show weakness. Men should not cry. Men should be the hunter and not the hunted. What total rubbish. This mentality is damaging to men as a whole, and especially so to those that are the victims.

I know many men who will not speak out because they are afraid to be seen as weak, that they will be laughed at, that society will consider them "less of a man". These men suffer in silence, keeping the secrets of those that abused them in the first place. This society induced conspiracy of silence that surrounds these men prevents them from seeking the help they need, from sharing their burden with their nearest and dearest, and permits the abuser the freedom to carry on with their vile crimes undetected.

I know many men will think that it's better to "shut up and put up" and that they would rather die than divulge the crimes against them. In truth, many boys and men do die. Suicide being preferable to speaking out. The rapist or paedophile wins every time.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

MatrixMen was established to provide support for men that get to a point in their lives where they can no longer deny the fact that they were at some point in their lives sexually abused.

This is often a harsh reality that is difficult to deal with, and many men choose to end it all. This is not the only choice, You now have help at hand.

The effects of sexual abuse remain with the victim and often create serious and ongoing problems for both the victim and their families in later life.

The problems associated with CSA include :

The inability to create meaningful relationships.

Some form of sexual dysfunction, including sex addiction, porn addiction and incapacity for intimacy.

Relationship problems including excessive anger towards ones partner.

Personal shame.

The inability to fulfill ones potential.

Excessive reliance on drugs & alcohol.

Homophobia

Excessive anger

MatrixMen is a Non-Profit and a Non Government Organisation, created and managed by people who have themselves been victims of sexual abuse.

MatrixMen provides support services to people who wish to overcome the ongoing effects of abuse. These services include the creation of a safe environment for the discussion of these issues, in a group dynamic.

Please welcome Martin Pelders, founder of Matrix Men South Africa.

Often I look back on my life and smile, odd statement for a guy that suffered sexual abuse and neglect, but I smile thinking, what a journey it has been, what a turnaround it has been, and all of this in 4 short years.But that is now, life up until four years ago was pretty miserable, and getting to this point was probably one of the most painful experiences I have had to endure. Memories of my abuse go back to the age of five or six, these years are pretty patchy and many of them still lost, but I've had flashes of things being done to me at that age, the abuse continued to the age of 19.Finally at the age of 19 we were conscripted into the military in South Africa where we had to serve a two year national service stint. It was during one of the days of physical training that I remember thinking "boy I'm pretty tough, I'm sure I can fight these guys of me"Throughout the two years of national service I tried to avoid rather than to confront my perpetrators, I was already a pretty heavy drinker, after all it was easier to avoid than to confront, and drinking was sure a great way of avoiding the issues. After the military service, I was released into the big world where I would encounter people and situations that I was certainly not ready for after the relative safety of the known that the military gave me. Initially I was afraid to go out and find jobs, mostly calling on family and friends to help with their contacts, and when I finally did get one, I didn't stay long, I think the longest I stayed at a company was a year, and I would be of in search of a new challenge, hopeful this time it would finally make me happy.I went into many careers, many varied fields, quickly mastering and excelling in that field, but then as the end of my first year rolled in I would begin to itch and want to move on.Eventually I became quite proficient at finding work for myself, selling myself and doing well for a short while and then this burning desire to move again. At the time I didn't know what drove me to move on so much, but years later with the benefit of hindsight I saw that it was the fear of someone finally finding out what I really was, as sexual deviant, alcoholic, porn addict and a liar. There was at the time also the added fear of failure, the fear of not being as good as I portrayed myself to be. One of the most prevalent goals in my life was always the search for happiness, the deep seated knowledge that there had to be something better, after all, being alone and wanting to be drunk all the time, wanting to blow my brains out every day was not my idea of a happy life.I wanted a real girlfriend not a magazine and my hand. I tried the gay scene, but left a lover on his knees open mouthed on a beach and walked away. Another orgasm was not going to make my dead heart feel better, whether with a guy or girl.

Finally I thought perhaps if I found a girl got married and did what society told me to do I would be happy, you know the dream, wife, house, 2 kids, a cat and a microwave. This was the key to happiness, it had to be. Well I found a young girl, we dated for a while and was soon married. I remember on our honeymoon night, I opted to go get drunk in the bar rather than spend the first night with my bride, she was waiting in the room in a frilly outfit and waited whilst I "moved the car". I just didn't come back, she fell asleep alone. This should have been a sign, she should have run there and then. It was as in most things in my life, not going to be easy to find the happiness that I so craved or the happy life that society was trying to sell us. My young bride could not fall pregnant, there was something wrong and for a long time our desire to have children gave us a common goal, something we could focus on, that short time was 11 years. Finally God blessed us the miracle we so desired, a beautiful baby girl. This for me was the beginning of the end, my life was from this point going to get more and more dysfunctional. I could not understand my increased alcohol intake, the drinking got heavier and heavier, my moods got worse and worse, my anger exploded. My poor daughter could not make a noise, could not ask me anything, could not play with me, whatever she tried to do to be close to daddy was met with either a bad mood or anger. I kept saying that it would get better when she got older, "I just can't relate to little kids" I would say. My wife began hinting that perhaps I was drinking a little too much, to which I of course responded “it’s because I’m so stressed”.At this stage of my life I had my own business, I was doing the sales, installations, invoicing, purchases, books, I did everything and I was tired, but that was certainly not the reason I was drinking so muchFinally we started trying for a second child, and this was again a process of doctors and tests, but to no avail. I did discover one thing in this process, and that was that I was an alcoholic. In remember the doctor asking me if I drank a lot, I said “Only about two drinks a night” (lie)He asked if I would stop drinking for 6 weeks, "No problem" I replied, well after the second day I realised that this wasn't going to be that easy, in fact I started to drink again. This was hard, I started realizing that I was an alcoholic, "Damn, that woman was right" I thought. One night we had a bit of a party at my home, and when I woke up naked on the lawn the next morning, I decided that this was not on. I stopped drinking that day. Three months of pain were to follow as my body withdrew from the constant intake of alcohol, but I managed and to this day have not let a drop of alcohol cross my lips. Sad thing is, that not drinking didn't make me happy either, and after 4 years of sobriety I was finally forced to go to the AA and see if I could save my marriage. With the drinking over I began to fall to my other great addiction, porn.Wow was I never going to be normal?I went through the AA program and still happiness evaded me until one day I was home and saw the Oprah show, the 200 men. Here were a bunch of men telling my story, guys talking about how I felt, talking about the thoughts that were going through my mind, how did they know? They were me. From this point in my life, my entire focus was on finding out more about what sexual abuse did to me, the effects I the dysfunctions, the way it altered my life, that was my quest. I was 45 when I finally worked out what the problem was with me, I am a male survivor of sexual abuse. The porn gave way to a new passion, studying, learning, writing, asking questions, absorbing every little bit of information. That gave way to understanding what my problems were, which moved into pain and discovery, loss, fear, dread. I discovered that over the years as a survivor, I had developed several different personalities. At work I was the ultimate professional, top of my field. At home I was the worst person, the one I thought was the real me. In the community I was a fighter for a safe suburb. At the parties I was the comedian, the joker, life and soul of the party, and at Church, well I was the leader the helper the nice guy. Would I ever be normal, could I take these different me's and make them one whole functional man? Would the real Martin please stand up? At one point in the journey I thought that I couldn't, that I would never be "normal". That night I wanted one of two things from God, healing or death, I didn't care which. God gave me healing, and I promised Him that I would make it my mission to talk to all the men in my country about male survivors, I would be one of the 200 men in the South African context. I would become the one to say its ok, you are not alone. That night MatrixMen was born. Being the only one in the country that spoke about this was not easy. At first people thought I was mad, but I kept going, I kept puffing away at it, I kept calling into talk shows, writing to the press, calling people, talking talking talking.About a year into recovery I got a call from another male survivor in South Africa, he wanted to join me, so we met and spoke and spoke or first meeting we chatted for 5 hours, we couldn't get enough of it, he later went on to start the other organization that talks about this in South Africa, I was sad that we did not work together at first, but in hindsight it was good to have two organizations instead of only one crazy guy shouting out.MatrixMen and the other groups in South Africa have a tremendous amount of work to do, there are many millions of men to reach, people to help and perspectives to change. All of this will take time and energy, and with Gods help and guidance we will get there and help the men that are hurting. One thing I have learnt in the 50 years that I have been on earth is that patience is a virtue.There I realize two types of people on earth, those that have been hurt and those that have not. The one group that has been hurt has at the end of the day 2 choices in their lives, remain a victim or stand up and face your demons. Both options are scary, remaining a victim means that you will go through life unhappy and hurting, and standing up and facing the hurts of your past will, I repeat WILL be hard and Will cause you pain, it will be difficult, but I promise that if you tackle this task with a firm desire to heal your life, that pain will be very very short in the greater scheme of things. I was a victim for 45 years, I fought my demons for about a year, of which 8 months were the hardest, but yes, today I can sit back and smile at the path that I have traveled, happy in the knowledge that I am a good person, I am a happy person, I am sucessful, loved and a good father. None of this would have happened had I not faced and fought the demons of my past.Two things have brought me through all this, the support of my father whose quiet support I have been blessed to have, and my Father in Heaven that has told me that I could be a new creation, that all the bad things that I had done in my past were forgiven and that I am a special creation with a calling and a purpose.All Survivors are Special people and my wish for all of you is that you find the courage and conviction to face your demons and fears and conquer them so that you too can live a life free from fear and bondage.You are all special, you are all chosen, you all have a purpose, I pray you find yours.Martin Pelders Founder MatrixMen South Africamartin@matrixmen.orgTwitter - @Matrixmensa

I was a founding board member of 1in6, Inc., a nonprofit devoted to helping men who've had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as boys live happier, healthier lives; I authored the pages of 1in6.org from 2008 through 2011. I am also on the board of directors of Stop It Now!, a nonprofit that prevents the sexual abuse of children by mobilizing adults, families and communities to take actions that protect children before they are harmed.

Here are the reasons I have published this page:

To help those looking for resources on the sexual abuse of boys and the lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse in the lives of men.

To provide resources for men who were sexually abused in childhood and want to know what professional researchers and therapists have learned, without having to read scholarly journals and books.

To provide resources for girlfriends, spouses, partners, friends and family members of men who were (or may have been) sexually abused in childhood.

Here are some key messages for men who were sexually abused in childhood:

You are not alone.

You can educate yourself.

Other guys struggle with their masculinity too.

There are people who understand what you're dealing with and can help.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

While both male and female sexual abuse victims struggle with shame and stigma, stereotypes about masculinity often force men to wrestle with unique issues."Males, especially as children and youth, are less likely to disclose abuse," Elizabeth Saewyc, a professor of nursing at the University of British Columbia who helps create individualized programs for the treatment of abused children, told LiveScience. "Because a lot of our stories about men is that they're sort of in charge sexually, when there is sexual abuse it really undercuts all of our social scripts. It is not only a violation of a boy's boundaries and their most personal autonomy, that biggest right to privacy of the self, but it also contradicts their sense of masculinity."

Tips for Friends and Family of Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivors

It can be hard to know what to do to help a friend or family member who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Here are some tips on what to do (and what not to do) and how to cope yourself.

What to say to a rape or sexual abuse survivor:I'm sorry this happened to you.It wasn't your fault.You survived; obviously you did the right things.Thank you for telling me.I'm always here if you want to talk.Can I do anything for you?

What NEVER to say to a survivor:It was your fault.You could have avoided it had you ____________.It's been so long! Get over it!You wanted it.It's not that big of a deal; it happens to lots of people.I don't believe you. (that's the very worst thing to say)

DO respect him enough to not pity him.

DON'T assume she does or doesn't want to be touched. Some people can't stand a hug at this point; others can't make it without one.

DO comfort her. Bring a cup of tea and a blanket. Play soft music. Make the environment comfortable.

DON'T try to solve all the problems for him. He has had her control taken away from him; try to avoid doing that again.

DO offer to accompany her to her first therapy session.

DON'T demand to know every detail of the rape or abuse.

DO allow her to tell you as much or as little as she needs to.

Further Suggestions...

review facts and myths about sexual abuse and assaultIt is crucial to understand the basic facts, and for secondary survivors to examine their own attitudes and feelings in order to be a positive support. Don't allow the myths to affect how you perceive the survivor.

as a secondary survivor, you are also affectedCrisis centers and lines are available to help you also. Call RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE. Consider seeking therapy yourself (however, see don't see the same therapist as your friend). Pandora's Aquarium has a forum dedicated to secondary survivors, so do consider joining if you have not already.

helping yourself helps the survivorThere is no reason to feel guilty or selfish for taking care of yourself and your many emotions. It is normal to feel the following and more:

aim to find the difference between being supportive and overbearingI can't give you exact definitions. The supportive friend is there when I need to talk, is open to hearing what I have to say, and doesn't always press for more. The overbearing friend is constantly checking up on me, forces me to talk to her, and tries to solve my problems for me.

don't be afraid of silenceIf you don't know what to say, that's okay. The most powerful statement a friend can make is by simply being there, not trying to fix everything or pretending it's okay. Silence often says more than words.

Depending on your relationship with the survivor and the trust she has in you, she may experience a flashback or panic attack in your presence. It can be frightening and difficult to know what to do during a situation like this, but here are a few suggestions.

Panic Attacks* Remind the survivor of where she is. Ask her to sit down and place her feet on the floor. Describe her surroundings to her, and ask her to do the same.* Remind the survivor to take deep breaths.* If the survivor has medication she is prescribed to take during panic attacks, such as Xanax, remind her that if she needs it, it is available.

FlashbacksRemember that during flashbacks, the survivor is often actually reliving the abuse or assault. Be cautious in your actions, and get to know the survivor and what she needs before you do anything at all. Here are a few suggestions.

* Name it. Not everyone realizes that what they're suffering is a flashback.* Tell the survivor that you know it feels real to them, but that it is not really happening.* Turn a soft light on.* Turn triggering music or television shows off. * Get to know the survivor's triggers as well as you can.* Help to ground the survivor. Encourage them to take slow, gentle breaths. Tell them they are remembering. Talk softly to the survivor. Remind her of where she is. Ask her to describe her surroundings to you. Point out the fact that the abuser is not present. Remember that she may not be able to respond to you, but often is aware of your voice.* Consider placing your hand on her hand or arm (not on the stomach, thigh, etc). This may trigger her further, but may also remind her of where she is.* Inform the survivor of the importance of flashbacks. They are an opportunity to learn and understand. They are often seen as an indication that the person is ready to remember; that the body has information to share. Many people are very frustrated by lack of memory; flashbacks can validate a survivor's experience.

Most important is to get to know the survivor and what works and what doesn't. There's not a lot you can do during situations like this, which can be frustrating. Just be there for her during and after the flashback. Don't press her to talk about it, and avoid triggering her further. If she wants to discuss what just happened, be open to that, while at the same time being aware that many of the emotions she felt during the rape or abuse may be present now.

What survivors want you to know...* We often take a lot of responsibility for the abuse. Telling us it is not our fault may help to lessen the guilt of shame, but it can't take it away.* We deal with a lot of shame. Please don't shame a survivor. It is the pattern we are trying to break.* The healing process for a survivor may take years. We may be in and out of therapy several times. New memories may surface, and new experiences may trigger us.* People who are survivors are often caretakers. It is a survival technique. It takes a long time to unlearn that behavior.* Survivors often resent being judged. We have judged and punished ourselves for years. We are usually harder on ourselves that anyone else can be.* People who are survivors don't want your pity.* Don't try to excuse the abuser's behavior.* Don't categorize survivors. Each case of abuse, although it may be similar, is a unique case. We don't all follow the same pattern of healing or behavior.* Not all survivors have clear memories of the abuse or assault. We may need to deal with that lack of memories on a regular basis.* Even if we are safe now, we still may be fearful of our attacker or abuser.* Talking about it means "breaking the secret." Many of us are faced with the terror "breaking the secret" every time we talk about the abuse.* If a survivor chooses to talk to you about the abuse or assault, and you are uncomfortable about it, please say so. Let the survivor know you aren't uncomfortable with them, only the issue. The offer to find someone who is comfortable with the issue.* Please don't ask a survivor to forgive and forget. First of all, there is nothing we would rather do than be able to forget. But we can't--we have to learn how to deal with it.* Please don't ask a survivor if they are done dealing with it yet. That is a shaming question. The process of healing may take an entire lifetime.the above was adapted from a list in the Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault/Training Manual.