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My Final Words to the Lead Singer of A-Ha Before Murdering Him with a Pipe Wrench

Do you know why I’m telling you this, Morten? Because I care. Because I need to tell SOMEONE and frankly, you’re my only friend. Possibly the only person I really know. Possibly the only other person that really exists in this place. Seriously, look around; it’s just you, and me, and wherever you hid your band but I promise I’m killing them if they pop up in any goddamned magic window things too.

No, I don’t think this seems a bit extreme. Have you actually taken a moment to reflect on the bleakness of our existence? Have you given any thought about the future, Morten? Because I have.

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s not much going for me here, Morten. “Constantly coming in second in weird old-timey motorcycle sidecar races” doesn’t look good on a resume for a host of reasons, the largest being the dearth of any talent pool around here that requires what we are only calling for the sake of this argument a “skill.” The guys in the Trans-Dimensional Window Department don’t really care about my driving abilities, repairing portals torn directly from the walls is a hundred percent union-regulated, and not that I dream of retirement years spent in front of a rotating smelter, but Trevor already told me he doesn’t need an apprentice pipe-wrench-maker.

Yes, it IS a lovely wrench clearly showing signs of expert craftsmanship performed by an individual with a passion for his trade, but that is beside the point. The point is I am getting out of this blurry white void of nothingness, Morten, and if that way out is through some smarmy Norwegian and his romantically-flavorless love interest who just screams “real life temporary romance at the time of filming,” so be it.

There is a time for standing around doing nothing and a time for action, Morten. What else is there? When’s my generic arc? When do I win the adulation of a random doe-eyed coffee shop customer? When, Morten? When? When is it MY TIME, and yes that was a rhetorical question because I SWEAR TO CHRIST if you even think of responding to it with “in a day or two” then I am BEATING YOU TO DEATH WITH THIS PIPE WRENCH.

Is that what you want, Morten? Is a pipe wrench in the forehead what you want oh my god that IS what you want. Oh my god that’s IT. That’s what we all want, isn’t it? That’s it. This isn’t MURDER. We’re already in hell, Morten! Ours is a bizarre limbo to transcend by leaving our strange forms here and moving on to another world. With flesh and bone and amazing hair. My god. Morten. MORTEN. I get it now! I AM the hero. I get to SAVE YOU. My god, I never realized how deep this video actually was.