Friday, October 18, 2013

I've been rolling around in self pity lately. We won't put a time frame on how long the wallering has gone on-I'm still doing it after all. What I'm trying to do and it seems to be taking a while this time is get back on my feet after my last trip to Houston. I'm still trying to work out the disappointment and broken heart. I haven't been able to write but I think it might actually help-I know it has in the past.

I had an appointment in Houston, I'd been going weekly overnight trips, taking the trial pills, getting to know my doctors, getting to know my way around MD Anderson...this trip included the CT scans to see what the tumors are doing and if the trial pills were doing anything. I had all the tests the day before and the doctor appointment the next day.

The news is not good. CT scans revealed the tumors are larger...which means the trial drug isn't working. So it's over. Just like that.

I'm upset.

I'm very disappointed and quite devastated. I thought this was going to be IT!! I realize there is no cure for my cancer, but the drug promised to stop the growth so I can live with the cancer and it didn't.

I am still working on emotionally dealing with the let down and physically...well, it's a work in progress too. The part of my lungs that the cancer is pretty big is constricting my airways, so I get winded walking from one end of the house to the other...reading books to Logan aloud has become difficult too. I'm just going to have to take it slow(er) and start coping with what I can do now, not what I can't do any more.

So what are we doing next? I start chemotherapy again, next week, with a new drug. It's just one day a week for 3 hours (that includes, fluids, nausea meds, etc.). We will see what this drug does, it's got a laundry list of side effects that I'm not looking forward to, but gonna do it anyway.

So while God works on my broken heart and body, I appreciate your prayers. So many of you have emailed me and reached out on FB, thank you!

154 comments:

Thanks for the update. I think of you often and include you in our evening prayers with the kids. Your strength is encouraging. I know you probably don't feel strong, but know that those of us on the outside can see your inner strength through the words you share here. I pray for the best with this new treatment you are starting.

No words are coming to me right now...just tears I just want you to know...that you have touched me. I have followed you along for quite a while now...rarely commenting but I hurt for you...I admire you...I pray for you...and like you, I know that God has a plan for you, and you are in his loving hands. It's amazing how through these blogs, you can feel like you really know someone...even when you have never met...or spoken a single word to each other. Your triumphs, happiness, failures, sadness...all have touched me so deeply. God bless you Michelle!!

I read all your posts, and think of you so often. Sometimes I don't comment as I don't want to say the wrong thing. I want to write something motivating and uplifting, but truthfully I just feel really devastated for you and your family. There are no words. I hug my girls a little tighter, and I pray for you and your boys.

Michelle,Praying for you..for your spirit and your body. What tough news to hear...I'm in treatment right now for breast cancer and so you've been on my heart often. Know that you're being lifted up in prayer...hugs from Maryland.

Michelle, I knew when I didn't see you post for 3 weeks that something wasn't good. I prayed. And I still pray that something will take hold and give you back your courage, your health, your happiness. I can only hope that you don't give up. You keep fighting this gal. You fight and never quit. Because all we have is our lives. And what we make of them. Carol

Michelle. Feeling disappointed for you. Continuing prayers for you and your family. Just remember If thou canst believe, all things [are] possible to him that believeth. Love and hugs beautiful lady!!!

Oh, Michelle......I'm so saddened to hear this latest news with your cancer fight. Know that so many are praying for you. I await each blog entry from you, not only for the wonderful designs/ideas but to know how you are doing. Your courage has been so remarkable for all of us, but especially for those of us fighting cancer like you. Continue to stay strong. Have a little pity.party.for.one (that's what I do and I know this is all easier.said.than.done) and then get back into the fight. Thinking of you.......

I am heart broken along with you. I was very worried when you hadn't posted. I had hoped the news would be better and that this would have been the magic pill. I've never met you, but I care very much how you are doing and keep you daily in my prayers. Thanks for letting us know what's going on, because we really care so much.

I had a feeling this news was coming when the trial ended so soon. But, I am encouraged that you are taking chemo again, because that means you are still fighting! Even though you are discouraged, and feeling the effects as the tumors grow, please remember that we all are praying for you to find renewed strength. We are praying for you to have more good days than bad. We are praying for God's will to be for you to be cured. Only through His gracious love for us, can we bear our burdens.Psalms 13:1 reads: How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? Lord God, Michelle is waiting for your answer, we ask in that which only You can give in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

dear Michelle, I read your blog since 2011....I was wondered about your creativity.....happines......courage with your cancer and so strongh are you, today I'm very sad to read that about your treatment, I'll think of you and I'll pray for you, I send you my BIGGEST HUG!!!!!!!!

Michelle, know you are in the thoughts and prayers of MANY. At least they are trying a different chemo. My mother was told there wasn't ANYTHING is left to do when she had lung cancer and we had to go to palative care.

One thing I've learned through my mothers journey is that cancer patients want to talk and think others might not want to hear it but others don't know what to say and want to say something also. Love carries us through and guilt doesn't belong in your day. Just live each day that's what I learned. Also, communicate, don't keep it in. Others want to hear what you're feeling. You have many people rooting for you, praying for you and the Lord is carrying you right now when your energy feels low. Give it to God and let the footprints in the sand be your guide.

Hi Michelle, God may not come when you want Him, but He's ALWAYS on time. His eyes are on the sparrow, and I know He watches over you. Through it all, I pray God will give you the strength never to lose your joy.

I am so sorry to hear that news. I am sorry you don't feel good. I have been praying and praying for you. Keep sticking with God. He is good. He loves you. Have you ever read much about George Washington Carver? He prayed each morning at 4 am and asked God to show him what to do that day. He had an amazing life. I am not so good at doing it because I would like control of my life and my day and I don't wake up at 4 am. But the days that I pray that and mean it and do it, I have some pretty amazing days. Your feelings are so very very understandable but it might help to see what God would have you do rather than focusing on what you can't and want to do. I hope that suggestion isn't out of line...you probably get all kinds of unsolicited advice. (I am sorry if so.) I am going to keep praying for you!

I just started reading your blog after I found your beautiful wreaths on ETSY and had no idea what you were going through. I want to say thank you for so clearly describing everything and being able to keep blogging. I learned some important lessons after reading all your posts and I plan to stop whining about what I can't do because of health reasons and just keep doing things like you are doing. Please don't be too discouraged by the clinical trial drug..my husband works in the field and they aren't always certain that a new drug will work for everyone. My prayers are with you and your family.

You are such a remarkable woman on so many levels. In a very short time you have touched the hearts and captured the minds of so many people across the world. I hope you know how truly awesome and inspiring you are. I add my prayers to the others for your well-being.

Thank you so much Michelle. It was awfully difficult but knowing that time is the greatest healer I am waiting patiently.He was such a loving soul and I am missing his presence. I know you understand:) It helped to put it out there as the amount of love I have felt from all of my blogger friends has been so comforting.Thanks for reaching out with your kind words…..on the other hand my pain seems small compared to what you are going through. I hope and pray that the new drug will help with giving you the time to find a cure....although not even sure that is an option.Take care and God bless. Sherry

Dear Sister-In-Christ, I read the comments before me and they have shared my heart for you better than I can. Know that you are in my prayers always, and your dear family. I pray our Lord wraps you all in His love and His wonderful presence and carries you all to a better day very soon. When words fail, know that as brethren, our souls are knit in our common goals in Christ. I hope you can find comfort and peace in Him. I know He is with you all every moment and He loves you beyond measure. We don't understand our suffering here, but we can trust in His goodness, in His faithfulness, in His love and His grace. You are dear to me and always an inspiration. God bless you.

I don't comment on blogs very often, but this is a time I wanted to send hugs and prayers your way. It broke my heart to see that the trial didn't work. I pray that this new Chemo will bring you healing and more time. Following blogs for crafts and DIY are fun, but sharing intiment struggles, brings like minded people together to bring prayers and support to those who need it. You need extra hugs and prayers and I'm happy to offer that to you as you face the biggest struggle of your life! Please know you are ALWAYS IN MY THOUGHT AND PRAYERS.

This is the first time I have read your blog and it seems I started at a difficult time for you. I too am a follower of Christ and I will be in prayer for you. May God give you more strength than you ever thought possible and the pure healing that only he can offer.

Hi Michelle. This is the first time I've been to your beautiful blog but wanted to write and let you know that I will be praying for you, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this difficult time. Hugs to you and your family, you will be in our thoughts. Prayers from FL.

Hello! This is my first time here & your blog is lovely. My heart broke as I read your post. So sorry for what you & your family are going through. I will keep you all in my prayers. Sending love from Oklahoma. xoxo

Hello you brave warrior! I came over to your blog via Barbara Humphrey Garrett on Blogtalk. I am new to the blogworld and so touched by all of the lovely people. Your blog is wonderful! Such talent. Prayers for you on your journey...sending strength your way! Thank you for sharing your courageous battle...prayers for healing!

I am so sorry for your setback. Barb sent us over here to show you some support and you definitely need that! Know that other Christian mamas are lifting you up and praying for all your needs to be provided and your heart to be healed. Sending you hugs!

I have been wondering and worrying about you, like to the point of stalking you. I'd noticed there were no instagram posts and instantly got worried :( My heart breaks with you to hear this news....but I know God has this and even though we don't understand we still have to give him the glory. You are strong and courageous! You are in my prayers and thoughts. I hope that writing this has helped you somewhat. The more you share; the more people can be praying for you.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this terrible ordeal. Life is so hard, so hard sometimes. I saw this on Blogtalk on Facebook. I don't know you, but my heart hurts for you and your family. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles and I believe in the power the peace that comes through a strong faith in Jesus Christ and his Atonement. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am with you that this next round, the chemo and the meds will be the answer to end the cancer and you to get your life and health back. Take care. -Karen

I like so many others, check in often and have been praying for you. I'm so sorry to hear that the trial was not effective. Cancer just plain sucks. No other way to put it. I pray that the new chemo regimen will stop the tumors from growing and let you regain some strength. At times like this, knowing the right words fails me, so usually I just remain silent. I don't have the right words, but I do have a prayer in my heart and a sincere hope that you will have strength and healing.

Thank you for sharing your talents with the rest of us! Now be lifted up by all the prayers coming your way. God sees and knows what you are going through and is with you every step of the way! Let Him be your strength and I hope all the prayers give you a sense of calm and comfort. Peace Michelle.

Michelle, I have thought of you often and must admit I could not remember the name of you blog but would think I wonder how that lady with the creative blog is doing so the other day when I came across it again I was glad to find it but so sad to hear your news. There is a young lady that I know in my town fighting cancer also and she has three young children. Keep fighting, there are a lot of people praying for you. I hope the new chemo works for you. I'm not sure where you live but I know there would be a lot of us to help you if we were closer. Please keep us posted on your progress.

Michelle, your blog is new to me, but my heart is breaking for you! I'm thankful you are clinging to God to get you through this - no one else can get you through it. But, by the looks of things, MANY prayers are lifted up for you each day. Let that be an encouragement to you, my sister. Add me to the list - I'll be praying, too. I'm praying that your boxing gloves will slide on easily each day of your fight and that God will give you relief from chemo side effects AND that God will heal you!! To God be the glory. Amen.

You have thousands of people praying for you, myself included. Life isn't fair but miracles do happen, I am a firm believer, A miracle saved our son in March. You are in my thoughts, we are all here for you. Lots of love and hugs.Kristin

Just want you to know that I am adding my prayers with all the many others. You have so many who love you even though we will most likely never have the great honor to in person....but we feel that we know you as you have so transparently shared your heart with all of us. Please know you are loved and that God is holding you....no matter what. He is there, right there as close as your very breath and knows your pain. You are beyond gifted in your design work, and in your writings and have made us all better for knowing you through this blog and reading your words. Prayers for you, your husband, and your sweet boys. Thank you for sharing with all of us.....Blessings and love, Linda

I'm new here and wanted to tell you how sorry I am and that I'll be praying for you. For peace and hope to fill every inch of beautiful you. I pray the Father will sing you to sleep and give you deep rest and when you wake that you'd be encouraged and completely aware the He is nose to nose with you...sending love my new friend xo

I saw a beautiful fall picture on Pinterest that was yours and it brought me to your blog. I am so sorry to read the disappointment and pain you are going through. I am praying for you a special prayer, not just words but with my heart that hopes and believes for you. A better day with many to follow is my prayer for you.

Michelle, I pray that God will give you strength and peace, and heal your body completely! I want you to know that I put you on my church's prayer list regularly and encourage others to do the same. There's power in prayer!

Yes, I have commented previously and now do it again, to say I am praying for you. I am a nurse and work with cancer patients so I can appreciate all the JUNK you are going through. Yes, though I may never meet you face to face, I feel you are a friend and I am holding you up to Jesus, who knows all your sorrows and heart-ache and longings right this very minute.

Michelle I have been thinking about you so much and hoping this new drug was going to be your miracle. I am so sorry that it wasn't. I can not imagine how you are feeling but I think you have the right to wallow in self pity! You have the right to feel however you need to! Cancer is such a terrible terrible thing. I've thought so much about you and now I'll pray that you will find your peace. You are such a remarkable lady and have been fighting such a courageous battle! A true inspiration!

I just found your blog...so beautiful! I'm so sorry to learn of your health issues. You certainly have a right to wallow and just feel all the emotions you want to! My prayers will include you and the medical team as well as your family. There is such power in collective prayer and I know so many others will be joining in. Rest in the arms of Jesus and allow Him to bring you peace.

Michelle I am so, so sorry to hear this. Don't apologize for your feelings. I can't imagine anyone not feeling down going through what you are. My heart hurts for you. You are so young and have those precious children. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs.

Hi, Michelle-You are a beautiful person. So transparent and kind and filling the world with beauty. Thank you. What a journey you are having. You're a fighter, girl. And I imagine you are tired. But please don't give up. Today someone asked me how to make an acorn cap wreath. I sent them to your blog. See how your beauty has a domino effect? Beauty upon beauty.May you find great joy this autumn. May your health be strong. And may you be surrounded with loved ones to strengthen you.Sincerely, Emily Dykstra

Thank you for your strength and what you give back to everyone who visits your blog. You are stronger than you realize. Every new day brings hope along with it. Take it one day at a time. None of us know what tomorrow brings, so embrace the present.

Hi Michelle, I am new to your blog but am now a follower. I found you on a pintrest site for pretty wreaths. Your blog is amazing as are you it seems. Your story has touched me deeply and I find myself thinking of you throughout the day. I hope that today is a good day and you can enjoy it.

Wow I am so sorry, I just found your blog today, I found your chocolate (hot glue) ornament and came a looking. I will keep you in our families prayers and thoughts. We don't always know what God has in his plans, but know that his plan always has our best in the highest. Please keep us up to date, and know if a listening ear will help I am here.Hugs,Vicki

Hey girlie. First off, I would like to say thank you for the lovely comment on my blog. I'm so happy you found me as I cannot imagine what you are going through. You seem like such a strong person whether you want to believe it or not. I will send lots of prayers your way. My heart goes out to you through this tough time. Big hugs! xoxox

Michele, your blog is new to me even though I pinned your Christmas mantle long ago. I would like to pray for you. Jesus, I just lift up Michele to you tonight. I ask that her name be heard in Heaven. Lord, as the Great Physician, I ask that you put your healing hand on her and begin a healing now as we speak. Lord, your Word says that when you went to the cross,, you took our infirmities on yourself. In your name, I declare that this disease should leave her body and never return. By your stripes, we are healed. Let her rise now and declare her healing and declare that she is healed in the mighty Name of Jesus and we thank you, Lord for what you are doing. Thank you Jesus for healing her.

Hi Michelle, I stumbled upon ur blog looking for craft tuts but was reading your post. I certainly wouldn't want to give any false hope to anyone, but thought you may be interested in this blog. I heard about it through a friend and don't know the person myself. But maybe this might be something you could check into for your situation? I've never done anything like this before, but felt compelled to share this with you. Wishing you and your family the best. Here's the link: http://beatcancerwithb17.blogspot.com/ Prayers, Libby

You and your family are constantly on my mind. When I pray for you, I imagine I am holding your hand. I hope you find peace and joy in your family gathering this Thanksgiving. You have given me so much through your blog. I wish I could return the favor somehow.

Michelle, I don't know you that well, but am just finding out about your whole cancer journey. I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through and I'll be praying for you too. God is in completely control of our lives, the good and the bad and I know you already know that. I'll be praying for healing and peace for you. xoxo Rhoda

Michelle, even though we have never even met, I feel that so touched to know you as a sister-in-Christ. God has put you on my heart these past two weeks at the oddest times. Just wanted you to know that I'm out here praying and talking to God about you, your family and your doctors and nurses too. I'm sure you are familiar with that verse that says God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Sometimes I have cringed when I hear it quoted - because it can seem so trite in the face of real life. I have personally been struggling with this concept this past year. In my humble opinion, there are too many things in life that are not good. But a very wise pastor once pointed out that God is always working upstream. So this has been my focus when I struggle with where God's love is: I can trust because I know He has a plan (that I don't see), I can trust because He is working it for our good (because I know His love is perfect), and we will understand it better and more completely when we can see what He has done for us "upstream". I'm not sure this is what you would need to hear - just sharing from my heart. It's been a difficult year for our family too and I've revisited this area of thought often.Thank you for being so honest and open to share your struggles with us. Thank you for being real and for allowing all of your readers to be considered friends. Holy Father God in Heaven, please heal my friend Michelle. Praying blessings your way from CA,Heather

I'm so sorry to read that you have cancer and that the tablets didn't work as hoped xI do hope the chemo works for you. Take care and a big thank you for sharing your wonderful creativity and your warm and welcoming blog, you are a very lovely person and deserve good things, I hope they come to you x

Hello Michelle, I stopped by to let you know that I was using one of your photos for a table inspiration and linked to your site. I was not expecting to read such news. Having recently gone through a similar situation with my brother, my heart feels very heavy for you, but it sounds as though you have incredible will and I know for sure that makes a difference. Should you return to Houston, I am close to Anderson and only a phone call away if you let me know you are here. Take good care, and I'll be keeping you in my heart.

I found you via BlogTalk and have been learning about you and your blog by browsing around here. I'm sending love and prayers your way and can't tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering like this. I hope for the best for you and your family and will keep you in my prayers dear sweet michelle.

Michelle, I am glad that you are home with family. Since I have heard your story I have continued to pray and think about you. God will care for you and your loved ones.Now and down the road. You are fighting a courageous battle and serve to inspire with your bravery. With love, Laura from Top This Top That

Michelle, I was glad to hear that you are home with your family. I say a special prayer for you.

Think, o God, of our friend who is ill, whom we now commend to Your compassionate regard. Comfort her upon her sickbed, and ease her suffering. We beg for deliverance, and submit that no healing is too hard for the Lord, if it be His will. We therefore pray that You bless our friend Michelle, with Your loving care, renew her strength, and heal what ails her in Your loving name.

I just dropped back by again to see if there was any news, hoping you and your family have been able to enjoy this Christmas together. Our Lord keeps you on my heart and so, in my prayers. May you be well and strong again soon and making all manner of pretty projects to brighten the world. It's a better place with you here dear sister-in-Christ! Warmest hugs and love, Lynette.