When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage, they simply lose the will to live.

If you make Chuck Norris stroke his beard in confusion, you're finished, because Norris doesn't understand confusion, only pain.

Before the invention of sliced bread, people used to say that something was the greatest invention since Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris already knew this and got tired of hearing people say this. So Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every loaf of bread in the world, therein inventing sliced bread to take the burden off his name.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.

Chuck Norris knows that George W. Bush is lying when he says he is doing everything he can to hunt down Osama bin Laden because Bush has not yet consulted Norris or the A-team.

If you disagree with Chuck Norris, he'll karate chop you in to a bajillion pieces. He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he'll roundhouse kick you in to a quabillion pieces.

Chuck Norris can grant wishes, as long as you wish for roundhouse kicks to the face or a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Regardless of race, sex, gender, location, or education level... at one point in your life you have underestimated Chuck Norris. You will live just long enough to regret this.