October 31, 2009

This is dedicated to Ching, a wonderful friend, fellow fan of Neverwhere, Moist von Lipwig enthusiast, my date to see the Sherlock Holmes movie this December, and, most pertinent to the matter at hand, a person who believes that the entire Twilight Saga is an offense to humankind.

This might surprise some of you, but I do not have E! on my Blackberry. What I have, however, is TIME, and I must admit that the almost-hour influx of articles is actually pretty entertaining.

I kid you not.

I wouldn’t have known that North Korea was building a hotel, or that it was nicknamed ‘The Hotel of Doom’, if it weren’t for TIME. TIME also informed me of the Marvel superhero Hell Cow. Hah. Would never have gotten that from E!

Though I do love E!, but sometimes, who is dating whom just gets annoying.

(Hmm. That was a lenghty profession of love to TIME. Let’s go back to the matter-at-hand.) So through reading TIME ,I discovered that the most popular Halloween costume this year (I’m assuming for men) is Michael Jackson. (Note: this is according to the visitor poll at Fandango.) But, seriously, do people have NO RESPECT? The man has barely been dead for a year, much less a quarter, and people are parading around dressed as him. I do realize that there may be some ‘valid’ reason for dressing up as Mr. Jackson, such as you really admire the man. But seriously, most people who are dressed up as him are just doing it just because he’s DEAD. That is, simply, offensive.

(Takes a calming breath.)

Runner-ups to Monsieur Jackson are, respectively, Wolverine and (this is where Ching comes in) Edward Cullen. Now, Wolverine I can understand. Dressing up as Wolverine is cool, not to mention it can easily be thrown together semi-last minute. Wear a wife-beater and ripped jeans. I’m sure Target or Wal-mart sells fake claws. The hair isn’t hard to emulate. Plus, Wolverine is an icon; he has his own comic-book series, a movie, and his own video game spinoffs. And, he’s been around longer than any of you reading this have.

But…But…But… EDWARD CULLEN?

Wait, let me retype: WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING!?!?!?

Well, I’m hoping the results of the Fandango poll does not materialize in real life, but if it does, I have brainstormed a few reasons for He-Who-Does-Not-Shower’s popularity:

1) Men want to be him so they can score the Slutty Nurses that are out prowling the streets.

2) It’s a very economical costume; in these trying times, it’s best to not have to invest much in something one wears for only one day a year. Recipe for success: don’t shower for three days, rub talc all over your body, drink cranberry juice to stain yourl ips, and, for added effect, make sure some juice dribbles down your chin and neck for a more bloody effect. Edward broods and frowns, rarely opening his mouth and choosing instead to communicate only through his ‘intense stares’, so you don’t have to buy those plastic fangs. (Fact: ‘fangs’ appears once in Twilight, and it was in reference to werewolf fangs, not the vampiric ones.)

3) People who are dressed up as him think that he is a MONSTROSITY – not a monster, mind you. Look, the Cullens don’t even deserve to be labeled as vampires. (Lestat is rolling in his imaginary coffin somewhere right about now.) The mere existence of Edward Cullen and his family of vegetarian vampires (Lestat, I need you!)is a monster threatning the sanity of people everywhere.

Anyways, folks, I hope you enjoy your Halloween. I’m probably going to be holed up at home watching the first season of Fringe. I wish I had my friends over for a sleepover, but schedule conflicts mean that I’ll have to throw my horror-movie night later. Oh well, all good things can wait!