What Should I Do About My Very Rude Son-in-Law?

Our son-in-law treats my husband and me dismissively. He’s always checking messages on his phone when we’re around. He makes lots of money, so he thinks he doesn’t have to help his wife with the kids or around the house. He doesn’t even pick up a plate! Our daughter is a busy professional too, but she accepts this deal. When I complain about his behavior, she just gets defensive. At issue is their teenage son, who is so attached to his father that he treats us dismissively, too. How can I deal with this?

NANA

Deal with this? You already played your hand, Nana, and lost. When you went to your daughter, on your own steam, and griped about your son-in-law, you created sides. She chose his. It wouldn’t surprise me if she shared your criticisms with him. Even your grandson has probably picked up on the bad vibes. None of this is likely to make you a household favorite.

I get that you’re protective of your daughter (and offended), but she didn’t ask for an assessment of her marriage. Even if you’re right on all counts — your son-in-law is a jerk — what upside did you imagine in telling her? Do you think she’s unaware of her husband’s bad qualities? Mightn’t he also have good ones that he reveals in private?

The smarter play for parents of adult kids with partners is to find something (anything!) to admire in the mates — their business acumen, tennis games or bonds with their children. You’re not off to a great start, but it may not be too late. Become a vocal fan of your son-in-law.

That won’t stop you from engaging tactfully with your daughter if she complains about him. And it may encourage your grandson to open up to people who love both his parents, as you will now pretend to do.

Image

CreditChristoph Niemann

Modeling? Really?

My best friend lives across the hall. She’s 9, and I’m 10. Last week, she told me she wants to be a model when she grows up. This made me worried. She’s a little chubby, and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt if they don’t want her. Also, I think she’s too smart to be a model. Can I say something to her?

DANIEL

Whoa, Daniel! You are awesome to look out for your friend’s feelings, but let’s discuss a few things before we get to my answer. When I was your age, models were mostly skinny and white. Now, thanks to hard work by many people who objected to such a silly, narrow idea of beauty, the dial has moved considerably. But that doesn’t mean the work is done, and discouraging your friend from following her chosen path would be a step backward.

Also, try not to make assumptions about people. Why would you think models are stupid, for instance? Do you know any? Managing a career that relies entirely on your image seems challenging to me. And the models I’ve met have been quite smart.

So, back to your question: Many people tell us we can’t have what we want. But our best friends try to believe that we can, and support us while we go for it. Be that friend, O.K.?

I’ll Marry You, but I Can’t Wear That Ring

I am engaged to a wonderful man, a widower of four years after 30 years of marriage. We became friendly after his wife died, and I appreciate that he shares stories from that part of his life with me. Here’s the “but”: He would like me to wear his wife’s engagement ring. It feels wrong and disrespectful for me to take something that was a symbol of their relationship. But he says that she’s parted this world and would approve of my wearing the ring. I’m not sure I can get comfortable with it.

S.S.

That makes two of us! And for good reason: There is no angle at which wearing the dead wife’s ring does not look ghoulish. It is an emblem of their marriage, and you are starting a new one. (Her parting and claimed approval are irrelevant.)

Still, absent other evidence, I don’t take this as a sign of your fiancé’s emotional unavailability. More likely, it’s just laziness, cheapness or a blind spot. Stop apologizing. And explain to him that you’ll need your own engagement ring (if a ring is something you care about). Perhaps he can give the old one to a child of that marriage?

The Dog Sitter Canceled … Again

A good friend almost always brings his dog to social events at our place, claiming that his dog sitter fell through “at the last minute.” Problem is, our apartment is tiny, and we’re not big fans of dogs. How should we deal with this?

ANONYMOUS

I assume by your use of quotation marks around “at the last minute” that you, like me, believe there never was a dog sitter, right? This guy just wants to bring Fido, so he does. Not cool. The next time you invite him, tell him the truth: “Our place is too small for dogs. If your sitter falls through again, let’s take a rain check, O.K.?” As a pushy dog owner myself, I would understand completely.

For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.