I literally have not used it since moving to my new house. This is partly because I had a whole setup idea figured out with a computer that would be partially dedicated to playing the game, but the computer literally died for no reason. One of those freak accidents where it decided it doesn't like to boot anymore and you have to reinstall its operating system. And I don't have a disc with that operating system because I inherited this computer from my old workplace (they just kinda gave us our old computers if we wanted them). Rawr.

So I would have to install the game on another computer that could be easily taken into my game room and then I'd have to handle the initial setup, and I just haven't felt like doing it. I guess it should be said that I did find out the computer was broken months back when I TRIED to play. But yeah, I really should get it squared away and play again.

It would be fun, it would be good for me, and it would help me lose a little weight. I still really haven't buckled down and tried to lose weight at all, even though this year I honestly wanted to drop maybe ten to fifteen pounds and I thought I would be able to do that by just not eating when I was bored. Well hello to stress-eating! Ugh.

So yeah. I should get that taken care of. It will probably happen when I finally upgrade my current main desktop computer, and then I can retire the one I've been using as the main computer and use it primarily as backup and for the game.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

I once even wrote a blog post partially about why I will never do National Novel Writing Month, but I guess I never foresaw a future where I would do what I've been doing lately: going a couple years without writing any new fiction beyond comics. (Not that the comics are nothing. I keep up my weekly schedule of putting out a new fantasy comic on Fridays, and that's kept the juices flowing somewhat, but it's not the same as writing a novel.)

Some of my friends are joining me NaNo-ing for the first time or connecting existing NaNo accounts with mine. If you read this blog and you're interested in being one of my writing buddies, go ahead and look up swankivy. (I've had a few issues with being able to find people and having them able to find me, though. One of my friends found a way around this by going to the mail feature and putting my username in to receive a message, and then adding me as a buddy from there. I don't know why the author search hasn't been working for us.)

I like to think I'll handle it the same as I handle any other obligation I've ever taken on: I take it seriously and fulfill it, especially if it has to do with writing. But it's been a while since I banged out a novel and I'm planning to write one for which I've done no preparation, except that it's based on some characters in a short story I wrote eighteen years ago.

I am kinda annoyed about the genres we can choose from for our novels, too. You can't indicate it's fantasy AND YA, or YA AND LGBT+. I wish they wouldn't try to list age categories and subject matter as "genres." (In case you're wondering, yes, I'm planning to write about gay teenage aliens.)

Anyway. I'll start working on it come November 1, even though that's a ridiculous day for me and then I'll be hopping on a plane to go to a wedding. I'm sure I can do it. At least I'll have some writing-related updates for this blog again, for once!

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Saturday was my huge Halloween party! I spent the morning baking the last two things, the later morning and early afternoon cleaning and arranging stuff for the party, and the evening, well, having the party. I got to wear my new costume (though sadly the final component of it did not arrive in the mail in time), and it was well attended. My guests were Kari, Haven, Derek, Jeaux, Victor, Meghan, Benjamin, Joy, Michael, Rachael, Eric, Yasmin, and Arthur. They ate my food and some of them stayed until 5 in the morning. Yikes!

Sunday I got up at 12:30 in the afternoon and didn't really feel like cleaning up but I finally got around to doing some cleanup. I did do some of my usual Sunday stuff, like laundry, taking out the trash, and cleaning the table outside, but mostly I just sat around drinking coffee and finally getting to rest. I also had to finish my blogs because they didn't get done on Saturday.

Monday there were no letters, so I mostly just helped my coworker on a business development request and checked for news on websites. After work the buses kept not picking me up, saying they were doing dropoff only. I finally got the THIRD bus that came by the stop and managed to get home. I ate too many leftovers!

Tuesday I had to do a bunch of prep for a meeting and also got a hilarious e-mail trying to extort money from me in a scam. I love it. At home I tried to come up with cool ways to attach the gemstones for my costume (which I will reuse) but my plans didn't pan out. Ate more leftovers and did some transcription.

Wednesday I took a paid ride to work so I could be early. I had an early meeting at the DOT. My coworker went over there with me and I took notes while he ran the meeting. Then when we got back I had to process a bunch of stuff. People in my office were taking a class. Jeaux picked me up after work and we shopped for comics, ate at Five Guys, shopped for groceries, and watched Madoka and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Thursday the class was still going on at work and I ordered pizzas for them. I worked on a quiz and after work I rode the bus too far and had to take it back the other way. Boo. Victor and I talked while I finished the quiz I was writing and began my drawings for my webcomic. I told Victor I'm considering signing up for NaNoWriMo for the first time and he decided to sign up with me.

Friday I did a bunch of webcomic drawings, got macaroni from my bookkeeper who is nice, and squeezed a bunch of stuff in for my comic before going to Drink and Draw. I got to have my VLT sandwich there and drew some cool stuff.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Today's Wednesday Factoid is: What kind of art do you like best?Whoa, I don't even know where to begin answering that!

I guess, to start, I like the subject to be a person or people. I prefer human (or humanoid) subjects to scenes or objects, though there are exceptions.

I don't have much of a preference when it comes to the medium. If it's black and white and very minimalist, that's great. If it's colorful, that's great. If it's paint, great. If it's hand-drawn, great. If it's digital, great.

I tend to be attracted to presentations with shadows and depth--things that look shiny and include shadows. I like when something looks real in space, and I like when the art depicts something happening versus a static image--you can tell that the people are playing, or going somewhere, they look like this is a picture from their actual life. You can see emotion somewhere--you know how the subject feels about where they are or what they're doing.

That said, I do like when art is evocative of a person in a place. Places have detail, and detail lends authenticity to the person's environment. I'm super terrible at this in my art--I'm very minimalist when it comes to backgrounds, so I really admire it when it's GOOD. A great example: Allison Bechdel.

Even when it's cartoony, it inhabits a realistic space and feels authentic. You understand what's going on and how you're meant to feel about it.

I like art of many different types, but the best for me is when it's about someone feeling something, and I think it's good art when the pictures can reliably communicate what those feelings are.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Unless you've been asleep for the last few years, you probably have figured out by now that this is my favorite character in Steven Universe.

Garnet!!

So . . . she's married.

Garnet's wedding day

Her marriage is a pretty recent development, being that it happened in a special double episode (151–152) and the last episode that aired was 153. And her wedding was probably one of the weirdest cartoon weddings that has ever aired, because it essentially resulted in Garnet being married to herself.To clarify, Garnet didn't exactly marry herself. Ruby and Sapphire got married.

And then, because they're space aliens in love, they had their wedding kiss and then combined together into a single entity. They live most of their life together as Garnet, and even though she is the RESULT of someone else's love, she also has her own will and her own personality separate from them. It's a really interesting concept.But what I want to talk about is the result of that love. These two characters got married and it was beautiful (not to mention incredible to see a same-sex wedding on kids' TV), but after their love creates another person, who does the love belong to? These characters sort of disappear into who they become together--that's how they describe it--so even though on some level they're still loving each other, that has to transform quite a lot for Garnet to be her own person.And to be honest, I don't think I've quite seen a self love like Garnet's ever on television. When we first met her, we didn't know she wasn't exactly an individual, but her confidence and stability was well on display. The root of it was later revealed as an unbreakable bond between two characters who trust each other and share everything. I've always loved that Garnet can be so competent and self-assured without being an egomaniac; she knows what she's good at, she knows she's great, and she knows her success is partially owed to who she came from.The rest of it is hers.Garnet is incredibly inspiring to me as a character who has a great relationship with herself. I've said this before, but I relate to this really hard because mostly my problems are other people's problems, and very few of my issues come from being dissatisfied with myself. It doesn't mean I can't grow and change, and become better than I am, but I don't feel disappointed with my situation and my progress, and I like who I am. Those traits are usually discouraged in our society, especially for the ladies; being "humble" and "modest" are valued for women and girls, and if I act like I expect to be treated as competent and deserving of what I've earned, I can easily be shamed and scorned, told I'm stuck up or a bitch or too proud. I love watching Garnet because she's allowed to be proud and no one treats her like she should downplay her talents.This is maybe a weird comparison because Garnet literally is the result of a loving relationship, but as an individual (sort of), it's so refreshing to see someone who feels complete in themselves. Not always yearning for someone to validate them or make them whole. The idea that you can just be yourself and not therefore be "lonely" is somewhat radical; we process single people as sad and in need of a partner, but Garnet has what she needs to be who she wants to be. This doesn't mean she doesn't have or can't experience intimacy with others, either; she doesn't crave it as a way to fill an emptiness, because she doesn't feel empty, but her relationships with her found family and friends are very important to her, and she treasures her time with them. She is not a complete island, and is capable of wonderful, tender moments with others. But she's married to herself. And her self is enough.I really like that.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

I was not able to post my weekly update on Saturday (or any of my usual blogging during the week!) because I was super busy with my traveling and my Halloween party--my guests didn't leave until 5 AM--so here's the usual post a day late. :)Life news this week:

Saturday I started getting my house ready for my upcoming party. I talked to Victor while giving my bathroom a once-over--it was his birthday and Jeaux and I joined forces to buy him a 3D printer. I also finished putting some mirrors up (and hurt my shoulder doing it!) and completed all my Halloween decorations!

Sunday I did my morning table time and answered messages. And I did laundry, cleaned, and packed for my trip. I also worked on the footwear of my Halloween costume. I also did karaoke and some organization.

Monday I did letters for two DOT districts and did all my work. After my work was over I took a paid ride to the craft store so I could shop for a few things for my Halloween party, and then I went home, put stuff away, finalized packing, and ran through my presentation to make sure everything was okay. It was.

Tuesday I woke up early to take a shuttle to the airport. Everything went completely smoothly with my travel--I arrived fine, got picked up by the driver assigned to me, had some time in the Wellesley library to chill, and then got to go to lunch with folks from the asexual club at the college. Afterwards one of them took me to see some really cool telescopes for fun, and then we went over to the presentation room, checked my equipment, and did the thing.

My presentation went well and I recorded it, and the person overseeing the program told me my event was very polished--how nice! Afterwards we got Thai food with the asexual club and talked until I had to go back to my room at the college's hotel. Talking to the Wildcards was the best part! I would have loved to stay later because we were having such great chats, but oh well--they had a cutoff for when I can check in or I could risk not getting in. I had some coffee in my room and did some doodling, and went to sleep.

Wednesday I got up early and a few of the students drove me to the airport. My flight back was super smooth as well and my shuttle home was okay. I took a nap, unpacked, and got some ducks in a row for what I need to shop for. I made ginger cookies because they keep for a long time. And I got my webcomic finished on the plane.

Thursday I went back to work. I did some stuff to catch up on what I missed, and I made some labels for my food. Jeaux picked me up after work and we bought comics, ate at Cheddar's, and went grocery shopping for my perishables. After work we watched Madoka and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and I worked on my costume. I also made pumpkin pies.

Friday I also did some work--we had guests in, and I prepared some stuff for a letter. I finished up my costume preparation and organized some junk, and then I made pumpkin roll, pumpkin brownies, and autumn leaf cookies before bed! Everything's pretty ready for my party, but I still have baking to do in the morning.

Articles, Interviews, Mentions:

The Wellesley News, associated with the college where I spoke, discussed my talk as part of the program that helps LGBTQIA+ students.

Finished this week: I hardly got to do any reading this week even though I was traveling, because I had to knock out my webcomic while on the plane. I did read the Steven Universe comic that came out this week though and I gave ongoing comic #21 a five-star review.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Saturday involved getting my blogging done early and working on my asexuality presentation which I will be giving soon in Massachusetts. Then I organized my comic book inventory and made some posts about variants I'm missing, and got into working on shaping my wig so I can dress up as Garnet for Halloween!

Sunday I sat at my table and answered mail, bought some more comics, did my karaoke and laundry, and finished my Garnet wig. I got a message from one of the people who draws Steven Universe official comics, offering to help me get missing variants because of that post I made. Wow!

Monday was busy with utility coordination and letters of response. I also got some business squared away with the comic artist who's helping me get variants--turns out I'll be getting them for really cheap (considering what they're worth) too. The artist said to consider it a thank you for all the nice reviews over the years. How cool is that. After work Jeaux picked me up to help him at his house, and then we watched a cartoon special and ate pizza. (Cartoon Network had a crossover event and Steven Universe was involved, so I got to watch my favorite character interact with other cartoons. Fun!)

Tuesday I had to take the day off to go with my mom to the Social Security office. She has a lot of trouble staying organized so I was there to help her bring the documents and to help her understand whatever they said. It went really smoothly, considering it was government stuff. Then she trimmed my hair for me so I'd look nice for the trip, and she helped me figure out how to hang my antique mirrors. We didn't get them hung because it's hard, but I learned enough to do it myself. After she left I took a little nap and then Arthur came over with Thai food. We watched cartoons (Episode 129, "Stuck Together," through episode 134, "Gemcation"). I also got my new Steven Universe coloring book and colored the first page.

Wednesday I came back to work and found out we won a big job! A $65 million job! (Okay we're a subconsultant so that's not all our money, but woweee!) We had apple turnovers to celebrate. I fielded requests to show pictures from the coloring book and dealt with other work stuff until Jeaux picked me up and took me to the comics shop, then we went to eat at Applebee's and shopped at Publix. I had to spend a lot of money because I am throwing a big party next week. Woo! We came back to my place and watched our TV shows. I also bought some new plants!

Thursday I organized stuff at work and also got my fliers and whatnot together for my presentation. Also bid on one of the very few comics I don't own on eBay--I hope I get it. I got some drawings done at home but Victor didn't want to talk so I did it without talking to him. I also made a Happy Breakfast--two eggs for eyes, a strawberry nose, and fake bacon for a mouth. I'm silly.

Friday I worked and had a pretty good day. Very tired though. I spent some time on a letter of response and some supporting documents. After work I finished my webcomic and cleaned up the house a little.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

This post is about assault and harassment that many women are talking about these days, but also covers gender stuff I want to talk about too. Please read with caution if you are sensitive to this topic.

A lot of the discussion surrounding sexual assault is centered on "believe women" and "men, don't be that guy, and support women." This is not the time to start asking why men's problems aren't given equal time on this stage. But I would like to remind you that part of the reason things are so hard for women in this environment is that it IS set up like this issue is exclusively women vs. men here. Women aren't believed when they say they're sexually assaulted, and women aren't believed when they tell potential interested partners that they do not want to do a thing, and women are targeted so frequently partly because there IS this gender dynamic that has taught many men that women can't be trusted to say what they want, so it's okay to ignore what they say before, during, and after. In a society run by these kind of guys, it's a feature, not a bug.

Some of the people who relate to being the victim here are NOT WOMEN. They may be nonbinary people, or trans men who were assaulted when others assumed they were women, or men of any orientation. If they were attacked and treated the way they were because they were assumed to be women, they also likely recognize these misogynistic dynamics as forces in their personal lives, but even though the world has treated them like women in some ways, some of them feel really uncomfortable with being casually referred to as women every time assault survivors are discussed. Some of this "we" are not women, and some of them are even men.

Right now we ARE talking about the overall dynamics that privilege men and disprivilege women with regard to how powerful men consistently get away with sexual assault and frequently act like they have no flippin' idea how they're supposed to romance someone without assaulting them. This male/female dynamic is the focus of the major conversation right now, but that doesn't mean people who are not women don't have something in common with us. I mostly appreciate that the discussion is the way it is because I assure you it is no accident that women's expected subservience is being exploited, but just be aware that "sexual assault survivors" and "women" are not always the same group.

Half my life ago a gross dude ignored that I said no to a kiss while stuck in a car with him, and he responded by lunging over and licking my face like a dog until I opened the door and jumped out. It's mild as far as sexual assaults go, but nearly textbook in what happened next. I got out of the car immediately, angrily, and he yelled after me that he was "just trying to help" me because he thought being asexual was a disorder with a cure, and that he "had to" lick my cheek because I wouldn't let him kiss me the right way. This guy then proceeded to send me messages for the next couple of months asking me to watch porn with him, complaining that I didn't fuck him (and stating that he'd thought we'd been about to fuck that night), explaining to me condescendingly that I was in denial about my attraction to him, and claiming that since he was Latino his upbringing forced him to be touchy feely with girls and I would just have to accept it. He told me he was sure he was the only intellectual man I'd ever had express interest in me and could hope to satisfy me, and he told me I exuded a "vibe" that made it clear I was into him no matter what lies I told. This is a person I did not touch until he put his tongue on my face the day I met him, and whom I had told about my orientation over our first meal so he wouldn't be confused. He told me he had studied psychology *in high school* and therefore knew better than me what my body language was really saying. I had to block him to get away from his messages.

Years later when I mentioned this incident in a longer interview for a published article about asexuality, a man in the comments went after me with a vengeance. Told me I'd made up the assault for attention. Told me I'm trying to stop everyone from kissing each other now and claiming a simple kiss is sexual assault. Told me it didn't make sense that I didn't "just lean away" if I didn't want him to lick me. Tried to drum up sympathy for the poor guy whose kiss was rejected and asked how we would feel if our affection was labeled "assault" when offered innocently. Claimed that "everyone" has assaulted someone if this is the standard now. Refused to acknowledge that I explicitly said "no" and the man did it anyway; claimed he was probably shy or awkward and couldn't be expected to really understand. Ended the conversation by saying I was a drama queen who needed to get over herself.

My situation was incredibly mild, but even when the story made it clear I had verbally declined to kiss and wasn't complicated by either party's intoxication, I was probably inventing it for clicks, and also, him ignoring someone's clearly stated wishes isn't assault or isn't sexual or isn't his fault at all. This is EVERY TIME we talk about it. And all the people who don't want to believe us because it would mean accepting we're living in a rape culture are seeing that HuffPost comment and saying "yeah, oh, yeah, she's probably doing it for attention, why didn't she report it, what's his name? is she sure she didn't want it? no matter what she said, it can't have been clear enough. if we accept that violating her wishes is a crime, WE'RE ALL GUILTY, and we'd rather insist they're all liars than accept that we all might be criminals."

They pretend that it's too complicated to figure out what we might call assault, but that's mostly because what we want has NEVER mattered to them. If you've been taught all your life that our bodies are there for your use, you'll see consent as a default and refusal as US DENYING YOU SOMETHING THAT IS YOURS. Our bodies are ours and our express permission is needed before you can use them how you want. Don't pretend that's too hard for you when you're also the ones claiming women aren't as logical as men.

But I guess it's a lot easier to pretend you don't get it when your dude buddies can control what is a crime and have the power to rearrange laws to support your right to assault us.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Today's Wednesday Factoid is: What situation or place would you feel most out of place in?

Any situation where I can't speak the language.

People speaking a language I don't understand is completely fine with me--it doesn't bother me if I'm with people who are bilingual (or multilingual) and I don't know what they're talking about in my presence to other people who understand. But if they don't understand English and I can't speak their language, I feel out of place because even if I want to, I don't have a verbal way of telling people what I need or who I am.

I don't have much experience with this because I haven't traveled much, but the best example I can offer is when I went to Japan. Because there, the alphabet isn't the same as the one I know and I can't even look up what a sign says since I don't know how to use their characters. If you can't read and can't ask really basic questions (or understand the answers), you can get into real trouble. And even aside from the practical considerations like not being able to ask what's in your food or not being able to understand when someone tells you your total at the cash register, you can feel pretty isolated in an unfamiliar place if you also can't use language to help you understand.

I went to Japan with my mother, who speaks even less Japanese than I do (I know, like, a teeny bit?), but we were visiting my sister who was competent in the language. Having her there was good because she could interpret and help, but she wasn't always there and it wasn't always important to translate so in some situations she was part of a conversation when we could not be. That's just how it is if you haven't learned the language in a place you're traveling to. My mom tried to go to a convenience store alone while my sister and I were doing something else, and she got lost and found she couldn't ask for help. She didn't even know the address of my sister's apartment and couldn't read street signs, so even if she'd found someone who could speak with her, she wouldn't have been able to tell them where she needed to go. She literally just wandered the streets until we accidentally found her. (We did not have cell phones.)

If you go somewhere where everyone else can communicate but you can't make yourself understood at all, that's where I think I feel most out of place. In most other situations, I can find a way to feel comfortable with people who are different from me, though I also feel REALLY out of place around outspoken bigots obviously. (I have a friend whose family is of that description and I was subjected to some very ignorant, horrible commentary at the friend's family dinner once. It's scary, and in a way worse than not knowing what people are saying at all, but that's another story; knowing what you're dealing with and hating it versus having no tools to find out is hard to compare.)

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Saturday I spent the day blogging, chatting with my mom on the phone a little, and talking to a Tumblr friend about cartoons for a long time when I was supposed to be doing other stuff. I also attempted to make a new video for my channel but I accidentally chose a letter I'd already used in a previous video! So I couldn't use the recording!

Sunday was my Thai Temple adventure. I got up early and did a new video that wasn't a repeat, and set it to process while I was out. At Thai Temple I saw my friends Victor and Jeaux, and met Victor's new friends Kristin and John. We had some good food and I ended up liking Thai tea. After the Temple, Victor and I went to the mall and I bought some toys and stuff. Also got shoes but they had to be mailed to my house because they were the wrong size. At home after the outing, I cleaned off my outside table like usual but didn't spend time sitting out there, and then I did my Sunday stuff--karaoke, laundry, and finishing the video. I also got to unwrap a bunch of new comic books that had been sent in the mail!

Monday I worked on assignments for three districts: a transcript for District 3, an expanded letter for District 4, and a regular letter for District 5. Lots of work, very busy! After work I organized my comics collection and worked on my wig for my costume. And I paid my bills.

Tuesday we had to finish up a submission packet for a shortlisted project and then after that the day was pretty chill. My friend Arthur picked me up and we ate our Thai food while watching cartoons. He also had to fill out a job application which took a while.

Wednesday I got up early to review a new comic book, and then went to work. The day was busy and then after work Jeaux picked me up, so we ate at an Ale House and went to Target for shopping, and at my house we watched the Wrecked season finale, a couple episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and listened to Night Vale. I didn't draw anything because I was working on sculpting my wig. :)

Thursday was a weird disappearing day. It seems like nothing much happened at work except my boss was out of town at an interview, and after work I talked to Victor on the phone while drawing comics and working on my wig. I also got a really tiresome message from someone who wanted to talk about asexuality and wants me to examine whether I'm afraid of intimacy. Ho hum. Just . . . is it too much to ask to just leave people be?

Friday I wore my new shoes to work and got blisters. Boo. I spent the day on some utility stuff and helping edit a report. Then after work I finished my comic and wrote a retrospective about a rarely seen cartoon character, which ended up getting featured on the front page of Amino (which hasn't happened for a while).

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Today's Wednesday Factoid is: If you're married and wear a ring, what is your wedding ring and/or engagement ring like? For unmarried/un-engaged folks, what kind of wedding and/or engagement ring would you like to have?Nah, I'm not married and don't wear rings.

I don't really mind the idea for others, but I don't think I like it for me. I'm not really into wearing a specific piece of jewelry every day, though there were times in my life when certain jewelry pieces were almost always worn so I guess if I had a reason in the future to change my current preferences, they could always change again. I don't really like rings much.

I don't plan to get married or engaged so I don't really have a reason to answer this question. I think a lot of people who are unmarried still have thoughts about what they'd want their wedding or other related aspects of it to be like, and I have to say I do not. I never fantasized about myself in a white dress (not even when I was a kid, though I did just kinda assume when you grew up you got married so I figured it would definitely happen to me). I never thought hey, when I get married, I want my ring to look like this.

So I have no answer to this question at all.

Weirdly, some people have said I should wear a wedding ring so I can communicate the same "taken" image that makes potentially interested parties leave people alone, but no thank you. There is also a somewhat well-known (within the community) asexual practice of wearing a black ring as a symbol of asexuality, but I don't do that.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

I'm on the site to make friends. I swear it actually makes sense. Most people (rightly) think of OKCupid as a place where you'd search for dating options, but the fact is the site's roots extend back to more general social connections, and they maintain opportunities for people to select "new friends" as one of the relationship categories they're searching for.

If you're curious, before they became the OKCupid we know now, the company used to support a bunch of personality quizzes where you could share and compare your results with your friends if you made an account. I made an account during that time, and kept it even when the site evolved into a romantic match site because it actually did use a pretty sophisticated matching algorithm to help you find similar people.

Anyway, I use it for friendships like I always have and it's still connecting me with new people I end up liking. Several people in my close social circle are folks I would not have known without OKCupid. But obviously, my being there for friendships and making it 100% clear that I am only there for friendships does not make a difference when certain people decide the site is only for what they're looking for--people who treat everyone they meet as if they have no business being there if they're not there to date and mate.

Anyway, this will become relevant later.

A man sent me a one-line message--a thing I discourage explicitly in my profile, by the way--but his opener asked "didn't you used to be on SLS?"

Now, this sounds terrible, but since I had no idea what SLS was, I immediately suspected it was probably something sexual.

And I don't assume this because I just figure all men are trash (although on OKCupid, the odds are in favor of them being trash). I assume this because men do backflips to say something that will make women talk to them on the site. Truthfully, even if you send a pretty nice message, if you're a guy you won't likely get a response. I recognize that that sucks. But I have no sympathy for those who employ underhanded techniques to get past that issue--notably, some of them ask provocative questions or insult women, hoping it will be shocking enough that they'll be able to at least start a dialogue.

And one of the provocative questions some dudes seem to think is clever is to pretend they've mistaken me for a porn actress.

I'm not kidding; I occasionally get messages from men who ask me "You look really familiar, were you in [movie]?" And said movie is porn.

They apparently believe women will find it flattering if you pretend they thought you were a porn star.

I don't know.

So you'll see why receiving a message from a man I've never spoken to before asking me if he recognizes me from something *I* don't recognize is immediately questionable for me.

But this guy had a surprisingly high match percentage with me, and I *am* recognizable from some other stuff, so without more information I don't know whether this guy legitimately recognized me from something or if it's a line.

One way to find out: I answered him. I said I did not know what SLS was so probably not.

To his credit, he was polite in his response; he apologized for the mistake and wished me a good weekend.

I still wanted to know what SLS was, and Googling gave me many innocent and not-so-innocent results, so I asked. He just answered with the URL of his specific SLS, and it turned out--surprise--to be an adult hookups site for sexually adventurous people.

So here's my problem. Yes, maybe you just misremembered or mistook me for someone else, but all things considered, that's a pretty personal question. Asking me if I socialize on a sexually charged website is not the same kind of thing as, like, if he'd asked if he recognized me from a school we might've both gone to. And instead of just sending a stranger a message asking what is, in practical terms, a sexual question, you should LOOK AT THEIR PROFILE.

INSTEAD OF JUST THEIR *PICTURE*.

LOOK AT THE PROFILE, IT IS THERE TO HELP YOU.

There is no way in the world anyone would mistake me for a sexually adventurous woman if they even took a passing glance at my profile. I'm listed as asexual, lead with a statement about my lack of interest in relationships other than friendships, and elaborate further later in the profile. Don't just ask me stuff like that. Read a profile.

So I basically told him that. I told him he should read profiles; I told him that reading mine would have answered his question; I told him his opener made me wonder if his question was going to be about porn because dudes keep doing that to me; and I told him I'm sick of people talking to me like my picture is the only thing in my profile when it's so easy to be respectful by leaving me out of conversations I clearly don't want to have.

No, it was not a nice e-mail. I wasn't trying to make him feel good and did not feel obligated to acknowledge his relative politeness. He may not have harassed me or pressured me to talk about sex with him, but that doesn't mean it wasn't an impertinent question to ask, and that doesn't mean he should feel free to treat women like he can say anything he wants to them if he likes their face.

Surprise, surprise: He pelted me with six insulting messages in response and then blocked me.

The insulting messages opened by telling me I am a real bitch and need to remember that, and then he blamed me for continuing to ask about SLS even though it was just a mistake, as if I had been leading this conversation somewhere just so I could scold him. He explained that he, unlike others, is a GOOD guy who doesn't deserve the assumptions I described, but he also needed me to know he's seen me on this site for YEARS AND YEARS and maybe I should recognize how pathetic I am for that. Furthermore, he explains, I have something deeply wrong with me and need to see a professional to get fixed. He closed by saying "I feel sorry for you. Peace!"

Interesting how he's seen me around OKCupid for many years and that makes me pathetic, but doesn't apply to him.

That's my favorite part.

People LOVE to shove in my face that my presence on the site proves I'm lonely, sad, desperate, etc., often expressed in sentiments such as EVER WONDER WHY YOU'RE STILL SINGLE BITCH? THIS IS WHY! But like . . . you still didn't read my profile, man. The thing I'm telling you you should do out of basic respect? You're still not doing it. I'm here for friendships. I'm going to keep being available for more friendships. Belittling people for failing in their love life or being unhappy with their situation is a terrible thing to do, and it proves you're a vindictive, petty person, but in my case it's not even appropriate. Shaming me for being on OKCupid "for years" as if it makes my loserhood self-evident is a nasty thing to do--and ultimately it's hilarious to me that they're trying SO HARD to burn me and they're not even using something I'm insecure or unhappy about. They're just so sure I must be that they immediately grab it for ammunition. That really sounds like a good guy, huh? Wow, I really shouldn't have assumed he was a jerk! The lack of imagination on these people is so disappointing.

Since he had blocked me, I couldn't report him to the support staff directly, so I just sent them screenshots of our entire conversation. I know from other times I've dealt with creeps that they don't just believe screenshots; they have access to look and see if these messages were actually sent. (I found that out once because a man sent me an "erotic" fantasy directed at me in which he did sexual things to me and then murdered me. When I reported it, the person handling the report told me the person had sent the same script to a whole bunch of women, in case it made me feel better that it was not personal for me. She could see his sent messages.)

The OKCupid rep wrote me back to say they'd banned the guy and blocked his IP addresses from making new accounts.

Well, good. Maybe he can just do his socializing on SLS from now on. At least he will not mistake the women he's been ogling "for years" as having been present on some other site. I'm sure I'm not alone.