My Life

Hi there. Let me introduce myself. I am a mom who barely changes out of pajamas, who tries her best to rarely leave the house without backup. Aka. The hubs. I breakout into a stress sweat thinking of taking both of my children somewhere, ANYWHERE… like, for instance, the grocery store… Let me paint a picture…

Why are car seats so difficult?! I might as well burn all my silk shirts now. They should have fans to cool off mom while she’s taking baby in and out of the car. Is that invented yet?! Did I just become an fucking millionaire?! Bring it Shark Tank.

Then once they are out of the car you need a carrier or a stroller, or worse, a shopping cart. These bacteria infested nasties, that are always strewn across the parking lot by lazy pieces of shit, are always no where to be found when you go to the grocery store?! What the what?! I just need one freaking cart near my car. Dear Lord.

don’t cry. don’t cry. don’t cry. don’t cry. don’t cry.

Once inside you calm yourself, this is gonna be fine. Your pit stains start to dry. You’re a flipping queen. Out with both kids like a boss.

Wait. Toddler. How can you reach all this stuff?!! Why are you licking fruit?! That’s dirty. Here’s some pre-cut fruit. Sweet. I’m a great mom. Giving my kid a healthy treat– WHAT. THE. HELL?! Did you just dump all the cantaloupe on the ground?! Why?! Sweat returns.

Baby. You got this. Just chill in your 100+ dollar carrier. Can someone carry me in a giant baby carrier?! Sweet baby is gonna relax. Ouch. Did you just pull my hair?! Eekkk why are you trying to push off me like a spider monkey?! I’m just trying to show you love by wearing you so you can grow up to be a better human… Isn’t that what baby wearing is supposed to do???

Toddler. No. You can’t have a truck you don’t get a toy every time we leave the house. 10 seconds pass. You win. Here’s a damn toy.

Baby. Still attempting acrobatics inside the baby carrier. Tits feel as though they have been punched by a lady wrestler for an hour.

no seriously. please send help.

Stand in the freezer cooling pits wasting all the electricity. Mmmmmm frozen burrito. We’re almost done. Almost there. Just have to get this mess to the checkout.

Cashier. That will be 3 million dollars. Huh?! What?! What did I buy?! I can’t even make a meal with this, but I do have 30 bottles of raw coconut water… makes sense. Baby. Starts to cry. Hands card. Nope. I have to slide it. Nope. I have to insert it. What. The. Hell. Just take my money and get me the fuck out of here.

As you sign your name on the pen pal, you think, “damnit shit balls ass, I forgot the [insert random, but crucial ingredient to tonight’s dinner].” Welp, guess we are never having said item ever again. Get. ME. OUT.

please don’t lick the cart. sigh. kid’s are dumb.

Back outside. Sweats have started just imagining buckling children back into car seats. Load up trunk. Then begin the 25 minute process of deciding how to get kids in car and then return cart. Store was packed so you’re 6 spaces away from the return. Decide on baby first. He goes in. While you keep your foot tangled in the cart so no one steals your toddler, it’s science. Then toddler. He goes in. Screaming for his truck. You then prepare yourself for the sprint of a lifetime. Deep breaths. And execute, execute. This takes you 12 seconds. You hear that pieces of shit who don’t return carts!?! 12 seconds.

You get in the car and turn that ac shit up MAX. You hold back the urge to cry. Your pits start to dry. You hear your favorite Bieber song start to play. You begin singing, your kids love it. They are so happy. You crack open your coconut water and drive home like a bad ass bitch.

I am soooooo excited about this post. Like so excited. BECAUSE. Drumroll. The Captain is modeling for us. Yes, that’s right!!! And he even picked out his own outfit. Boom. This guy would be so Insta-Famous if he wanted to be. Sigh.

I can’t think about watches without thinking about time. The Captain and I have been together now for 17 years. Time flies. It’s been my distinct pleasure to watch him grow into such an amazing man and father. My favorite sonnet is 116 which says, “Love’s not Time’s Fool,” and I mean, how beautiful? Love will not be stopped by time, it is eternal. That speaks to my heart. Time is so precious and let’s be grateful for every moment.

Last year we teamed up with Jord Watches and I was obsessed! So I am super stoked to be working with them again this Holiday season!!! We love watches [or “clocks” as Rocco calls them] in our house and a Jord Wooden Wristwatch is the epitome of cool kid. They are super lightweight, reliable, and [most importantly when you have kids] durable! The Captain went with the Conway series and looks dapper as hell, if you ask me. My hubs is nearly impossible to shop for! He knows about all the coolest brands and was a hipster before that was a thing. How hipster, right!? Jord offers a unique selection of watches for the most difficult to shop for.

So we spend a gazillion dollars a year trying to get babies to sleep. A GAZILLION (note: I completely made this up). But in truth, I can personally attest to how much time and money that can be spent on getting these boogers to sleep. You’re tired. GO. TO. SLEEP. It’s just not that easy, is it?? In my opinion, the first step is teaching good sleep behavior. End of story. If you know me, you know we swear by The Baby Whisperer in our house. The Captain will have more on that hopefully soon, but sometimes that doesn’t do the whole shebang. So I believe paired with the right aids you can and will achieve sleeping success.

Our babies have been pretty okay sleepers while swaddled, but as many of you probably know once they start to flip and need arms out it’s GAME OVER. So after swaddling they lose that tight comforting feeling. So they my boys constantly needed to be reminded we are there with them with reassuring words or a hand on the back or belly. Enter Nested Bean. These good folks have thought of everything. They have placed a small weight on their swaddles and sleep sacks to simulate your touch. Genius! Right?!

Well, I was skeptical because there was nothing to control Fbombs hands in the sack and even though he’s past the 6 month startle reflex, I was just scared anything would set him back. The 8 month sleep regression hit (and wasn’t the terror Roc’s was, probably because of stricter baby whispering), but once we saw the light at the end of that tunnel I started putting him in his Zen Sack. You guys. YOUS GUYS. I feel like lightening is gonna strike me as I type this. Weeks. Weeks and weeks of sleeping through the night. Ummmmm say what now?! 11-12 hours of sleep?!? I’m not making this up. I realize everything with babies is in seasons and it could all change tomorrow, but I mean, it can’t be a coincidence! I’m a believer.

Felix is a tummy sleeper from about 4 months, which I assure you is safe once your baby is able to hold their head up. Talk to your pediatrician for more information, I am not a doctor just an informed mama. Moving on, so I was thrilled when I read that the Zen Sack can be worn backwards with the weight on their backs. You guys. This thing is pretty great! Again, I was skeptical. We loved our Ollie Swaddle and had been using a sack that was okay, but we were still getting at least 1 wake up at night. We understand that The The Baby Whisperer is not a quick fix, it’s about creating a life long healthy sleeper… so we don’t really believe in magic sleep suits, but this thing has truly been a blessing to help us reinforce healthy sleeping habits.

I could eat kale chips, ALL DAMN DAY SON. Seriously, I love them. Truth corner, I didn’t make them myself until a month or so ago. I bought the insanely expensive premade goodies which, while yummy, have nothing on homemade. These puppies are pretty stinking basic, but me and my tiny veggie kill a whole bunch o kale in one sitting. They are so easy it’s not even funny… or maybe they’re hilarious. I don’t know how much humor you find in vegetables.

step 1. preheat oven to 300 degrees. line 2 baking sheets with foil.

step 2. wash, dry, + de-rib the kale. sometimes I won’t even use a knife, just my good ol’ hands.

step 3. spread out kale on baking sheets making sure not to overlap pieces. this is mucho importante

step 4. drizzle with coconut oil, no more than 2 tablespoons.

step 5. sprinkle with desired amounts of onion powder, garlic powder, and turmeric. I use roughly 2 teaspoons of each spice. then 4-6 tablespoons of nutritional yeast, followed by a healthy pinch of salt.

step 6. mix it all around by hand and sprinkle with more nurtritional yeast for good measure.

step 7. bake for 15-17 minutes.

step 8. devour and let that goodness just get all up in your teeth. note. have floss handy.

It’s no secret I value comfort over just about everything. It’s a relatively new fashion evolution for me, but I’m a big fan. I found Sonnet James through a fellow blogger, Oy Kristen, and I’ve since bought a handful of dresses when my bank account will allow. I’m super sad I couldn’t pony up the cash for one of their new Playsuits. Like they’re pjs you can wear in public, you paying attention now?! I thought so. This brand’s clothing is made to get dirty! We can look cute and chase your monsters around the playground! Best of all, you can toss it right in the washer and hang dry. I can attest that no matter how many times you wash it the fabric looks perfect. It’s magic aka just damn good quality. I’m wearing my fave [older] style with my most favorite neck party courtesy of my Sea & Cake pendants and my trusty diamond letters.

Don’t forget today is the last day to enter our Sea & Cake giveaway on Instagram!!!

Soooooo you’re moving!?! That happens a lot in The Captain’s line of work and I’m finding that so many of my nearest and dearests are currently dealing with moves that are taking them West Coast to East, or vice versa. Packing up the house, the kids, the dogs… it’s stressful enough, packing up your wardrobe shouldn’t add to the headache.

My plan for a non-winter move is simple; basic layering pieces that can all be paired together or separately. They will work for a truck stop outside of Austin, a coffee break in Boulder, or a dinner in the windy city. You can add a piece or 4 to make this suit your particular route. You’ll also need undies and a set of pjs, but that’s about it. Pretty simple folks. You might even find yourself wearing these 15 pieces almost exclusively post-move.

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