Would you rather be with the person who loves you the most, or the one you love the most?

Chances are, the two are not within the same body. That complicates things. A man often thinks if he loves deeply, and can’t live without his woman, those feelings will be reciprocated. When the woman says, “That’s nice,” and walks away, the man is left wondering what he did wrong.

It’s not an easy lesson to learn. Just like anger and hatred don’t always breed more of the same, neither does love and kindness. You can’t control how or if your love is received and returned. Often it will; sometimes it won’t.

Desiree (The Bachelorette) loved Brooks, but Brooks didn’t love her back. Desiree took it to heart, cried, and worried that nobody would love her. She considered it a personal flaw. She hadn’t learned that love is a gift–not always appreciated, not always reciprocated. If it were, I’d be on Jennifer Aniston’s doorstep with a dozen roses. So, devastated Desiree went through the motions with the leftovers, and lo and behold she discovered that Chris loves her. That dispelled the fear she had of never being loved. A week after losing quite possibly the love of her life, she has amnesia and allows Chris to take a knee.

I wear the skeptic’s hat when I say, “This won’t end well.”

Call it male intuition, or just the jaded view of a jilted man, but I could see in her face that she decided to try to love Chris. She can close her eyes, and kiss whomever she desires, but it’s unlikely to be Chris. Sucks for him, but it’s going to be a valuable lesson.

It annoys my spiritual friends when I refer to evolution, but isn’t it probable that we’re subconsciously attracted to our best genetic match, which may not be the most physically attractive or emotionally stable person? In fact, I catch myself drawn to women for no apparent reason. Some of these women aren’t even slightly available to me. My friends will wonder if I’ve been hitting the sauce too hard, or just being nice. I don’t know why I want her close; I only know to follow my genes, since they made it this far.

So, how do we deal with this conundrum? We can’t just go around handing our hearts out like candy samples. Maybe we should treat lovers like wine–taste, savor, evaluate, and order a glass, bottle, case, or lifetime supply. If it’s fine, you’ll do what it takes to enjoy more of it, or it will sour and leave. If we find ways to enhance the lives of the ones we love, sometimes it will be appreciated and returned. Smile when that happens, shrug when it doesn’t, but never settle or feel unworthy, because you are magnificent!

Don’t mistake my kindness for a sign of weakness, sweetness. Once I get you alone, I’ll not be a gentleman. I’ll hold you tight, pin you down, and touch you deeply. Once you’re in my grip, like a predator, my eyes will change. Your whimpering won’t dissuade me. Your resistance is just a sign for me to break through and take you … and I shall.

Love prey must be approached slowly, to avoid startling you, and chasing you farther away. No traps needed. Every night, I’m only steps away. Closer. Closer. Keep looking back. When I’m gone you don’t feel relief–you wonder where I’ve gone. Have I dined on another? Maybe. You miss me, until I step from behind my guard. You see me, coming again.

In your place, I know my place. That’s the only man you know, because I haven’t gotten you alone … yet. Entertain those soulless boys until you tire of their antics. I’m no boy. I wear my colors, wrinkles, and scars proudly. You’ll add more. I’ll treasure them–marks of experience. My scars remind me how far I’ve traveled to find you, how long I’ve waited to hold you, how deeply your gaze cuts me every time you see me and wonder.

When we’re finally alone, I will devour you without apology or remorse. You’ve been neglected, so my bite may take getting used to. I’ll mount and delight in every inch of you. The thought of your sweet, salty skin excites me. I’ll bind your wrists above your head with one claw, then find the places where you arch and quiver. I have a good idea where those spots are hiding. No rush. No words necessary. Your breathing changes when I’m there.

Hours before sunrise. You have all day to recover before … I take you again, my love.

Hey, what about us? We feel neglected as we stare at a sea of Hallmark cards full of words we’d borrow to keep your fire burning. Love is more than just a blowjob, you know. We could use some non-sexual treats too. Think of the stress we go through at the florist’s counter.

“I would like some flowers, please.”“All right, which ones?”“Real ones?”“I mean which types of flowers? Roses? Tulips? Lillies?”“Um, yes?”“OK. Let’s start with the recipient.”“My girlfriend.”“The occasion?”“Maintenance.”“I see. Budget?”“Whatever it takes.”“I have no way of knowing that, sir. Can you give me a ballpark?”“Jesus, not as expensive as a ballpark.”“…”“Baseball joke. I get it–you were speaking metaphorically. What can I get for twenty bucks?”“A pat on the head from a disappointed lady.”“Fine. Fifty?”“We can create a nice arrangement for fifty. Would you like a vase?”“No, I wouldn’t. Would she?”“Probably.”“A vase it is.”

Can you feel the turmoil? This poor lad is knocking years off his life with chores like holding doors, tucking chairs, remembering important dates, and delivering jewelry. Where’s the reciprocation? He deserves something more than permission to squeeze boobies.

Here are the top ten suggestions for romancing your man:

Bacon – It doesn’t matter what it comes with, just make it crispy.

Kegerator – We’ll even keep it in the cold basement or garage.

Bathe Us – Ah, to be surrounded by suds. Add a frosty mug while you’re at it.

Wings – See #1.

Headphones – Really good ones that help us ignore things … not you, of course.

Have you ever noticed that the most attractive people are independent? The people who need you the least are the ones you want to spend the most time with. Why is that? It’s because they owe and offer no services to you and require nothing from you. They’re free entertainment. There’s no obligation either way so you’re free to come and go as you please.

I have a guest on my weekly webcast this coming Monday who is a dating and relationship expert. I have never met her, but heard her described as oozing sexuality. Well, that certainly has my interest piqued. I’ll bring a hanky. Still, I bet she’s single as most matchmakers and relationship experts are.

Since I recently exited yet another relationship, I anticipate a well-deserved scolding about how I don’t open up and dedicate enough of my time (what time?) to nurturing my relationships. Allow me to preminisce (my new word):

“How many serious relationships have you been in since your divorce?”“A couple.”“How long did they last.”“A couple months.”“That’s not a serious relationship.”“Ya think?”“Fine. When’s the last time you were in love?”“May eighth of last year at around one in the afternoon.”“Wow, she must have been special for you to recall it in such detail.”“Yes. She was warm dark chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. I’m becoming aroused as we speak.”“See, that’s your problem: You don’t take relationships seriously. How can you expect to find love?”“I can’t. I expect to find happiness with or without a copilot.”“Don’t you seek companionship?”“Sure.”“… with something other than a dessert?”“Can’t I have both?”“What about sex?”“With a pastry?”“No, jackass, with a woman.”“All right.”“I mean, don’t you want to have lots of affection and sex.”“Define ‘lots.'”“You know, five or six times a week.”“You frisky little vixen, you.”“It may be a medical problem. You could be running low on testosterone.”“Or, I could be preserving it and my sanity.”

Yes, as I age I’m not quite as sexually-centered as I used to be, but I have my moments. It has little to do with my hormone levels and more to do with maturity and being honest with myself. Sometimes with some women I desire frequent bonding; with others, occasional linking is fine. Either way, I don’t need to have a girlfriend, roommate, or wife to be happy. I don’t need lots of sex. Sure, I want it, but not when it comes attached to drama. In that case, a few yanks and a towel keep me from acting needy, and I’ve found the less needy I am, the more attractive I become. Strange.

This is a problem most women have, although few men do. Perhaps it’s because women have more to invest and lose … oh, and because they don’t have hanging brains beneath their privates.

“How can I tell if he really likes me or just wants to sleep with me?”

“You’re hoping for both, aren’t you?”

“I don’t want to have sex with him if he’s not emotionally invested.”

“All right. That means you like him.”

“I do. I also don’t want to frustrate him and scare him away by making him wait too long.”

“Yep, that happens. Like you would with a new hire, you need to set expectations.”

“Right. I’ll tell him he can’t touch me until he likes me.”

“No, you need to be more specific. Show him some light at the end of the love tunnel. Tell him you’re selective about your lovers, and it could take a dozen dates before you’d be willing to go there.”

“Will a guy wait that long?”

“If he likes you he will … or, if his prospect pool has dried up.”

“Great.”

This is quite a love tug, isn’t it? If I’m attracted to a woman, by definition I want to have sex with her. That desire usually arrives before I have her name memorized. It’s a good thing as long as I don’t insist upon sex too soon, or have it and leave. It takes days or weeks to build a strong like; it takes seconds to build a strong desire.

I’m fighting myself by suggesting women make their men wait when women desire long-term relationships. Sometimes (right fucking now, in fact), a casual encounter is what the doctored ordered to get Russell the Love Muscle back in shape. A long sexual drought will cause a man to say and do whatever is required to close the deal. Humbly, I’ve been stunned by what came out of my mouth (and wallet) when I needed a slump-breaker.

Still, I bet most women can see through all the pleasantries and tell if there’s potential for a walk down the aisle or a walk of shame.

“If you know how you feel about him and have specific desires and goals regarding your relationship, you should tell him. Be honest. Be prepared for him to be scared off due to impatience. His departure will be a blessing.”

“Fine. Give me an example of what to say.”

“OK. Remove all distractions, sit across from him, and look into his eyes. It’s probably a good idea to hold his hands so he doesn’t sprint away. I’m kidding, sort of. Then say something to the tune of, ‘I want you to know I really like you and am excited about the possibility of building a significant relationship between us. I’m highly attracted to you and eager for the day we make love. If you feel the same way, we should enjoy the build up and not take things too quickly. Don’t worry. I won’t make you wait forever–just long enough to be confident that our hearts are equally invested. Fair enough?'”

The decisive moment arrives after a few dates when it’s time to adjust your strategy. Depending on how much you like the person, you should pursue, trail slightly, or lay way back. Be careful though as you can scare away your prey if you’re reckless. Then again, if it is your intention to ditch the datee, your actions could inadvertently create a love leech.

For example, if you are frightened and falling for this person, your tendency to overdo it could leave you sobbing. Therefore, men, if this is you, don’t:

Buy her jewelry.

Say those three words.

Book any fancy vacations for two.

Tell her or any of your male friends.

Buy her a puppy.

Introduce her at a work function as your girlfriend.

Ask her father anything other than which scotch he prefers.

Send flowers to her workplace.

Tell her she’s the best lover you ever had.

Over-call or text her.

Ladies can play this game poorly as well. It’s OK to tell your mom, sister, and best friends “he might be the one,” but for fuck’s sake, don’t tell him. Also, don’t:

Leave anything at his house other than a hair pull. That means no underwear, toothbrushes, or lotions.

Show up unannounced at one of his boys’ nights out.

Discuss finances.

Forget to take your pill.

Touch his penis while he’s driving. Wait. OK, scratch that one.

Ask strangers to take pictures of the happy couple, and if you already did that, never freaking ever make said picture your mobile phone wallpaper or profile picture.

Book a couples massage.

Rearrange his stuff or clean anything.

Ask how many lovers he has had. You don’t want to know and he’d lie anyway.

Email him love quotes.

Trailing the object of your desire is the most successful method. It keeps the other person engaged without feeling pestered. Do this by:

Not sending more than two unanswered texts or anything over 140 characters.

Maintaining nights where you are unavailable.

Leaving before breakfast.

Resisting the urge to check his or her cell phone and keeping yours inaccessible.

Leaving your online dating profiles visible, but inactive … for now.

Using the “I was drunk” excuse to cover your ass when doing or saying something stupid in the heat of the moment.

Suggesting you each do your own thing and maybe meet up later.

Maintaining radio silence while attending a bachelor/bachelorette party.

Insisting there is separation of lovers and relatives.

Leaving some of the ex’s belongings around the house to be discovered.

Chasing the next ex away is simple. Be sure to add a sprinkle of meanness into the breakup so the person doesn’t become that stray animal that follows you everywhere. Here’s a great line you can borrow: