Wednesday, May 25, 2016

I've been posting so seldom that I've forgotten how to get into the rhythm of the whole thing - and then yesterday - BAM - I had something to blog about.
And warn you about.

But first I need to explain that I'm an IKEA expert - I really am.
Bring me home cabinets - bookcases - and I'll have them assembled and loaded within an hour - it's true that - braggadocious as that may seem ( hey I like that word ! That's the first time I've ever used it in a sentence but I'm going to start using it once a day :)

Sooooo when I saw this from the above mentioned store I jumped on it.

It's a larger version of the bed netting that they sell and which I've assembled a few in my lifetime - piece of cake really..............

I thought it would make a great little area for the kids to have picnics - or babies to nap etc.....
And that's where I went wrong.
If I could just look at something in a store and think " Oh how pretty " and walk away but N.O.
I always think " oh how pretty - I MUST have it "

I tried to set it up the night I brought it home but I was tired and so I left it for a week or so and then there was all the setting up in the backyard - cleaning - organizing - summer furniture to wash and install ..........finally I was ready.

10 minutes at most.........thread a few bars through the top and run outside and hang it up.
The man in the illustration did it all by himself and I wanted to surprise John.
B.U.T.
That man in the illustration is a liar.
I don't like to call people that ( well except when I do ) and I'm not accusing Ikea of lying - not at all
but they should be more careful of their illustration people because this guy is just an out and out liar.
Lying Illustration Man - to be referred to as LIM from here on in.

First of all unless he's 9 feet tall he's not holding it like that ( and he looks like he's on the short side in my humble opinion AND I don't like his haircut - he looks like a lego man )
So I improvised and hung it up before starting
( I bet some of you sewers could whip that up into a wedding dress quicker than I was able to put this freaking thing together )
Even hanging up it would have trailed across the entire kitchen floor and yet the LIM simply dangled it from arm's length.

Anyway I got it up and proceeded to thread the bars across.................
JESUS HOW HE WEPT - HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE - OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN
I can't recall - seriously - I just can't recall when I've wanted to take an item I've bought and rip it into shreds - then stamp on it - spit on it - swear at it - throw it in the garbarge - and then open the lid and spit on it one last time.
Which is what I should have done.

BUT that LIM was such a great con artist that he had me believing I could do this.

Do you see that smallest arrow in the inset photo?
It shows the slit being in the middle of the hem - MIDDLE................
I spent at least 20 minutes trying to find it before giving up and assuming it was faulty and they just hadn't made the openings.
So I made them with a steak knife.
Listen - it's all I had around me ( I was working in the kitchen ) it was that or plunge it into my heart in frustration.
I then proceeded to push the bars through............5 minutes left until I'd have this pretty number set up under a tree in the garden !

But this proved to be more awkward than the LIM showed and at one point one of those bars came dangerously close to going through the kitchen hutch..........

And so I took it into the living room and hung it from the ceiling light and just to give you perspective we have tall ceilings and still it draped a couple of feet onto the floor ( remember the above arms in the photo? )
Anyway I hung it from the ceiling and stood on the coffee table when I heard a loud crack.........

But I didn't have time to worry about that..............so I ran and got a ladder and set it up and once again proceeded to thread the bars through the carefully slashed openings I made with the steak knife.

Until I noticed they were hanging kind of limply.
That's when I discovered that the bars had magically found the correct openings ( WHICH WERE NOT ON THE SIDE BUT UNDERNEATH - THAT LIM AGAIN ) and slid themselves through somehow - so half were in the slats and half were dangling on the OUTSIDE.

I started over...........using the correct slats and glanced over at the clock - I was now approaching an hour when the phone rang.
It was John - asking if I needed something - A BREAK !
I asked him to pick up bread ( because that would give me an extra 15 minutes - which was all I needed after all !

Those are not huge knitting needles - those are the last step in the process
I rested them on a bar stool because they kept falling on the floor and then the fabric would come dangerously close to " unthreading " ( new word - feel free to use it if you find yourself in the same scenario ).
Notice the angle?
They have to be bent to attach each other and form a circle.............
But the LIM is simply standing there very easily sliding them into each other and presto - done.

I couldn't do it.
I simply couldn't do it.
I put the ladder underneath the canopy and worked from the inside thinking that would help but ended up with the freaking thing all wrapped around me with me frantically trying to claw my way out of it..........screaming in frustration.
And John walked through the door.

John says - WHAT IN GOD'S NAME?
Suzan says - HELP ME !!!!!!!!
Suzan says - I CAN'T STAND IT
John says - WHAT THE HELL IS IT ?
Suzan says - IT'S A CANOPY
John says - IT'S A WHAT-WHAT???
Suzan says - I'M HYPERVENTILATING - HELP ME OUT OF HERE

He got the fabric untangled and I stepped down from the ladder - grabbed the thing and threw it across the room.

John says - ONLY IN THIS HOUSE.........I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THIS WOULD ONLY HAPPEN IN THIS HOUSE !
Suzan says - Do you think you can help me? I bought it for you !
John says - I'm not going in that thing - are you nuts?
John says - What'll happen when it's windy? It'll wrap itself around us like mummies for God's sake.
John says - Don't you EVER think things through?
John says - I'll help you later - I have emails to send.

But I couldn't wait.
And I'm not sure exactly what happened - but the way it landed on the floor when I threw it across the room was the perfect position for me to connect the last pieces !

AND THE LIM NEVER ILLUSTRATED THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ran outside and hung it from a tree

Then put the kettle on and called John to come downstairs.

John says - I'm sending emails - is it important?
Suzan says - I'm making tea - we can have it outside

John came downstairs - took a look at it - and burst out laughing

John says - I'm not sitting in that thing I can tell you that
John says - It looks like something out of Lawrence of Arabia
John says - I'm not sitting in that thing
Suzan says - You're repeating yourself again.
John says - The birds are going to shit all over it you know.
John says - First big wind and it'll be ripped to shreds
John says - The squirrels will have holes in it by tonight
Suzan says - Don't you have emails to send or something????

It's summertime and the livin' is easy
Fish are jumping and the cotton is high
One of these mornings I'm going to rise up singing ( I swear I am )

Just wait till you hear our pool story...........good grief.
Have a wonderful day everyone - I'm going to sit in my tent and contemplate life.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Tea and Coffee are waiting for you in the kitchen - I'm sitting in the den this morning - it looks like rain so I'm contemplating getting dressed ........or not.
I'm working on a beast of an armoire and prefer painting in my pjs so it may work out perfectly !

What's that ?
Where's the milk for you tea or the cream for your coffee?

Well............there's a bit of each left in the fridge but I've been having a hard time lately.
The bug has bitten me ..........not enough to kill me completely just enough to make me conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth and what the cost of that really is. ( not in dollars )

I want to go back to my childhood when I could just ram carcasses down my throat and say YUM and not have to think of anything other than that YUM..
I still ram them down my throat just not as frequently............and I very seldom yell out YUM these days ( although admittedly I sometimes whisper it guiltily to myself )
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Which brings me to the milk and cream.
The thought struck my mind the other night that cows are the most docile animals out there.
Is that why we started stealing their milk from them?
What was wrong with drinking our Mother's milk?
Who was the first person that got splatted with cow milk - smacked his lips and thought " Holy COW I'm onto something here - this is going to score huge points with the wife " ?
I mean we couldn't be drinking Bears Milk because the first person that tried it would have been slam dunked into the forest and left there dying.
Same thing for Wolves Milk.
Or Cheetah's milk.
No - we went with even tempered.
Sorry Betsy..............we're a selfish lot.
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I've been counting calories and walking walking walking.
The other day I left enough calories to include a soft cone ice cream ( my weakness )
And I did research on the calorie intake from different ice cream sellers.
The winner by far was Ikea - at 135 of them ( plus it's only a dollar so that appeals to John as well )

Suzan says - I feel like an ice cream
John says - So lets go to DQ
Suzan says - Well the ice cream from Ikea has the least calories and to be honest with you it's my favorite one
John says - IKEA? ARE YOU NUTS ? THERE'S A DQ DOWN THE STREET!
Suzan says - Too many calories !
Suzan says - Plus it's only a dollar at Ikea......

So off we went........happily singing camp songs in the car ( not true that )

But you know how it is - those damn arrows on the floor dragged me through the store first.

John says - I KNEW IT ! YOU DIDN'T WANT ICE CREAM AT ALL !
Suzan says - Shhhhhh - My God - why are you always yelling?
John says - WE CAME FOR A BLOODY ICE CREAM !

We left with some art work - a lantern - candles - a bathroom mat................and an ice cream cone each.
It was delicious.

Suzan says - Now wasn't that worth it. For a dollar each ?
John says - Listen these 2 ice creams cost almost a 100.00 dollars.
John says - We're going to the DQ next time.........
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I picked up Ashley a lantern for her deck..............with some candles.
John says - What are you getting that for - we have tons of lanterns?
Suzan says - This one's for Ashley
John says - Why - did she ask you to pick one up for her?
Suzan says -No - Evan asked me to
John says - You're so ridiculous...........

But I swear to you the last time I had him he said these three words very succinctly

MA.............LA................CA

Which means

MAma wants a LAntern with some CAndles.
I speak Evan.
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I never have cash on me.
NEVER
I use my debit card ( or far too often - my credit card shhh )
So when I got to the cash to pay for the ice cream cones and discovered that I had enough change in my wallet I decided to pay with coins.
That included a few pennies.
I handed the girl my stash and she says
" Oh we don't take pennies "
WHAT THE HELL?
My feathers got a little ruffled and I indignantly explained to her that pennies are M.O.N.E.Y. - when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
A lady behind me explained that pennies were taken out of circulation in Canada.
LAST YEAR.
Jesus how he wept - I have to get in tune with the times.
How embarrassing.

Anyway I'm putting this out here because maybe somewhere in the remote mountains of this country there's a hermit ( and a miser ) who's been saying his pennies for over 70 years and he's now worth a million dollars in them.
He's worn the same coat for 50 of those years because he didn't want to squander those pennies away.
He's been eating shit crap for 50 of those years too as he squirreled them away.
AND NOW HE'S WORTH NOTHING !!!
And he's probably a relative of mine with my luck.

A penny saved is a penny earned burned in Oh Canada it would seem.
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John and I have arguments about lights.
( when we're out of other things to argue about of course )
I turn the outside lights on at night.
ALL night.
It's a deterrent right?
John shuts them off - I turn them on - John shuts them off....this goes on all night and the one that stays up the latest wins ( me )
The neighbors must think we're sending out signals to the enemy or something,
John woke up yesterday and the first thing he did was run to the bedroom window and look down.

John booms - WELL I LOVE HOW THE LIGHT SHINES OUTSIDE IN THE MORNING FOR THE COURIERS TO FIND THEIR WAY TO OUR DOOR.
Suzan says - Listen buddy did our house get broken into last night?
John says - Don't be ridiculous.
Suzan says - FINE ! I'll turn the lights out - but if we're robbed and in the process I'm raped and tortured and killed IT'LL BE ON YOUR BACK - YOU'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT DECISION !
And for the first time in ever I did NOT turn the light on.
You can imagine my surprise when I looked out and saw it shining bright.
A beacon of hope !
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Ok guys I'm outta here.
I have to pick up milk and cheese today.
I feel guilty about it but I HAVE to.
You understand............

Love to all of you -
I think out of all my blogging I've missed our chats the most.
Have a wonderful weekend

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I just want to give a quick explanation on why I haven't published the comments from my last post.
It was a Friday Chat ( about this & that ) and I went and mentioned the Donald ............
Most comments were sort of on the line with the way I feel about him but there were a couple that spoke out in his defense and one who was quite upset at me for even posting my thoughts on the subject ( sorry about that - youknowwhoyouare ) and it is out of respect for those that have a different opinion of him that I chose to just close the comments on that particular subject.
There - that's that and now on to something I've missed doing :)

Friday, May 6, 2016

I thought I'd get back to blogging a week or so after the last post and though I tried I just couldn't do it. I had writers AND thinkers block I guess.
But even through the sadness this old world just keeps on turning.
A huge thanks to all of you that expressed concern - you are all just amazing - you really are.
Soooo
If anyone is still around - come in !
I need to chat !

First in the news is WE'RE BOOKED FOR PARIS !!!
It's a business/leisure trip - we leave on September 9 and return on the 18 ( I'm going to miss Evan's first birthday - what kind of Lolli and Pop are we ? )
Although we used to go every year - I haven't been in 6 years now and so I'm ecstatic.
Nothing like booking a trip to Paris to lift you out of the doldrums I tell ya !

AND because we're going to Paris - and because summer is right around the corner - I decided to start a strict diet. The method I chose is a simple calorie counting diet because I don't do well when I'm told I can never have certain foods again. ( it's sort of a free version of Weight Watchers I suppose )
Anyway John has jumped on the bandwagon with me.
Except he doesn't understand the concept.
At. All.

John says - Why are you giving me more food than you take?
John says - Are you trying to keep me big while you lost weight?
Suzan says - You can't possibly survive on the calories I'm allotted
John says - OF COURSE I CAN !
Suzan says - John - listen to me - if you ate 1300 hundred calories a day - at your height and current weight you'd end up very sick
John says - Of course - only you have the stamina to do it right?

WTH ???

Suzan says - It isn't a contest - you need x amount of calories and I need a different x amount of calories
John says - It makes no sense at all.
Suzan says - LOOK IT UP ON GOOGLE - I'M TOO TIRED TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU
John says - I find you're very irritable when you diet.............

You all know I'm not allowed at the grocery store, right?
I know that sounds awful but I'm really not - I spend too much money ( he's right about that ) and so John does all the groceries with a very carefully written list ( of which he never reads properly anyway )

Suzan says - Can you check the calories on the bread - make sure it's 60 calories each slice.

He came home and I asked him if he found the bread...............

John says - very proudly - Yep ! 21 grams !
Suzan says - what does that mean ?
John says - well you asked for 60 calories - I found an even better number

Whether he likes it or not I'm going to start doing groceries again.
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I thought I saw a mouse the other night - in the den - and I naturally screamed.

John says - What the hell was that?
Suzan says - There's a mouse in the den and I think it's dead
John says - Was that you screaming?
Suzan says - Yes ! Come get the freaking thing please !
John says - That didn't sound like a scream
Suzan says - CAN YOU COME GET THE MOUSE PLEASE !!!!
John comes in the den - bends down - and throws it at me - which caused me to scream and run out of the room so fast I smashed my foot into the corner of the wall and think I have a fractured baby toe.
AND I made him pick up the socks he had rolled in the shape of a dead mouse and put them in the hamper.
John says - You sounded like a bloody walrus for God's sakes
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As for my scream?
I've never been able to do it............I don't have one of those blood curdling lady like screams.
But I can assure you I in no way sound like a walrus.

And if I do I think it was pretty mean of him to let me know
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Ive watched and counted every calorie that's gone in my mouth for a week - and so I made sure I had enough spare ones to allow for a soft ice cream cone ( my summer weakness ) I checked calories and found that Mcdonald's had the best choice for calories. Only 170 of them !
John says - I feel like a blizzard from DQ
Suzan says - Can we get the one from Mcdonald's ? Please? Next time we can go to DQ
John says - Why? What's the difference ? They have soft ice cream at DQ
Suzan says - Mcdonald's has the least calories

And off we went -
John went in to get them and he was gone so long that I got out of the van worried that something had happened to him - only to see him appear out of nowhere - struggling with 2 very strange things in his hands
Here's your lowest amount of calories. he said.
The machine was broken - and we ended up with ice creams that were at the very least - 10 inches tall including the cone.
John says - We should have went to DQ
John says - Now you've ended up with a 1000 calories
John says - You never listen to me
John says - This is absolutely ludicrous
Suzan says - nom nom nom nom - this is delicious. And I ate the entire thing.
I find diets over rated anyway................
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We've had our share of pretty shitty politics here in Montreal - so I've used some of those same words before - maybe not all together - but some of those combinations anyway.

The other night I was trying to push one of my ideas on John - and he told me I sounded like Trump.
I instantly shut up.
Those are very sobering words.
Honestly?
I'd rather he told me I sound like a walrus
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The mosquitoes are out already - holy cow - I can't remember them ever being out this early before here.
Suzan says - We have to empty all bodies of water.
John says -What bodies in the water are you talking about exactly?
Suzan says - bodies OF water - good grief !
John says - Where are you going ?
Suzan says - I have to write this down

So we diligently emptied all containers and such while the swamp ( the pool ) sits there stagnant and a perfect place for 80 zillions mosquitos to have an orgy.
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Special prayers go out to Alberta - where they are battling horrific fires.
The world can be cruel.
A couple of years back they were battling the worst flooding.
My heart is with every last one of them.
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Ok guys - I'm outta here - I have flowers to buy - a pool drainer to rent - and voice lessons on the agenda this weekend.
Hope you all have a wonderful Mother's day - mother's of humans AND furbabies .
Love you all
More than you know
Hugs,
Me