John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Please help people understand that saying, "I know how you feel," is such a horrible statement. "No, you do not know how I feel." If you lost someone, your feelings are totally different than mine. Please, please stop walking to the other side of the street to avoid me. Grief isn’t contagious! I know you mean well, but please, do not say, "I know how you feel."

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

We agree with you 100% and we write and talk about that issue all the time.

I just took a quick glance at some of the other questions we’ve answered and immediately found two of our responses on the topic:

Here's one: “Also, even though you had a parent die not all that long ago, be careful not to say I know how you feel.”

And another:, “Please avoid saying I know how you feel. Nothing robs dignity from a griever more than that comment.”

We don't believe in comparing losses, nor do we believe in comparing incorrect comments about loss. But every time we make a public speech we tell the audience that of all the incorrect and unhelpful things you could say to a griever, “I know how you feel” is the absolute worst.

Yes, that does compare, so let us just say that even though people are trying to be helpful, we've never met anyone who reacted positively to being told, "I know how you feel."

We will continue to educate people not to say that line, no matter how well-intentioned they are..

Our reaction to your comment, “Please, please stop walking to the other side of the street to avoid me. It isn’t contagious,” is to tell you that what you perceive about people's actions is sadly true. An article we wrote many years ago is titled, “Am I Paranoid, or are People Avoiding me?”