Sunday, October 16, 2016

How Low Can You Go?

The Not-So-Live Blog of the Second Presidential Debate

The second presidential debate took place on Sunday, October 9th, but it actually began on Friday, October 7th. On Friday, the Access Hollywood tape was released, which revealed to all of the world that Donald Trump is a serial "wherever" grabber. This put Donnie in a most terrible mood. An hour before the debate began, he dropped a bomb that threatened to change the whole game of this election.

Appearing alongside Donnie at a small press conference were Paula Jones and The Others. Each of the four women expressed their support for Donald Trump, then collected their twenty-five hundred dollar check.

Ka-boom.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear @realDonaldTrump,

Yeah, so, we already knew about Paula Jones and company. We thoroughly and completely went through all this twenty years ago. Your actions have led me to believe your half-assed apology the other night wasn't sincere. It seems you think Bill Clinton's sexcapades excuse your inexcusable behavior. I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Own your shit.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy

Now we begin the not-so-live blog.

The candidates walk onto the stage. They say hello, but do not shake hands. Hillary walks away first. Way to be the alpha-bitch, Hillz.

The debate is being moderated by Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz. It's a town hall debate. Audience members will be asking asinine questions. The first question comes from a teacher. She asks if the candidates believe they are displaying appropriate behavior for children.

Clinton: I'm all about the children. We're stronger together. We're great because we're good. I'm working with every American. (You get the idea.)

Trump: Yeah, what she said. I want to make America great again. We're going to make great trade deals. We're bringing back law and order. A policeman was shot today. I want to do things for the blacks and Latinos.

Anderson: About that Access Hollywood tape. Do you understand that you bragged about committing sexual assault?

DJT: It was just locker room talk, okay. That's how the guys on my croquet team at the Wharton School of Business talked in the locker room. ISIS is chopping off the heads of people. People heads are being chopped.

AC360: Are you saying that you haven't groped women without their consent?

DJT: No one has more respect for women than me. We need to make America safe again. The heads of people are being chopped off in the Middle East and these people, the ones doing the head chopping, not the ones without heads, are pouring into our country.

Martha Raddatz tries to move on to the next question, but Donnie is itching to respond.

DJT: Hillary Clinton has done nothing for the African-Americans and our inner cities. I want to help the African-Americans, Latinos and Hispanics. Hillary makes promises and–

Martha Raddatz: Mr. Trump, we need to move on.

DJT: (Stomps his feet.) That's not fair!

MR: A Facebook user wants to know how you've changed since that Access Hollywood video.

DJT: Bill Clinton. Did you see the four women I brought here tonight? Words are things people say. I said words. Bill Clinton is the worst in the history of politics in America. Paula Jones is here tonight and Hillary Clinton should be ashamed of herself.

HRC: When they go low, we get high. Does anyone have a joint? Own your shit, Donald.

DJT: You started birtherism and Michelle Obama doesn't like you. I saw a commercial. I read on WikiLeaks how the DNC screwed over Bernie Sanders, and now he's made a deal with the devil. And I would know, because I'm the son of Satan and he tells me about all his deals. Satan and I make the best deals. That's what we're known for. Making great deals, okay.

(Note: Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, is wanted for rape in Sweden. If Trump doesn't want to be known as a sex criminal, he probably shouldn't be quoting sex criminals like Julian Assange and Roger Ailes. Which reminds me, I've been so busy with Trump's bullshit, I haven't had time for Roger Ailes. Note to Roger Ailes: I'm coming for you, motherfucker.)

DJT: If I win, I'm throwing you in jail for the crimes of acid washing emails and being very not nice to me.

HRC: We don't threaten to jail our political opponents in the United States. These are things you really should have learned before running for President, because you sound like a thuggish ass-clown.

MR: Secretary Clinton, what about those emails?

HRC: Jesus Christ, Martha. How many times do I have to answer this question? The answer is the same as it was the first 782 times I've answered this.

DJT: I'm not trying to hear that. Hillary Clinton should be ashamed of herself.

HRC: Hey Donald, guess what? I could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any supporters right now.

AC360: We're going to a question from an audience member.

DJT: Anderson, why aren't you bringing up the emails?

AC360: We just did that.

DJT: No, the lady reporter did that. It doesn't count.

AC360: We're moving on.

DJT: Everyone is ganging up on me. Not fair.

Audience Member: What will you do about the cost of healthcare?

Hillary explains the benefits of the Affordable Care Act, while addressing what she will do to resolve the high cost of insurance and prescription drugs. Meanwhile, Donnie invades her personal space, deciding to stand right behind her with a menacing stare. This might be a good time to mention, Trump has been linked to a number of murders on this very blog site. Donald Trump is an alleged serial killer. It's important to remember that as he lurks behind Hillary Clinton.

DJT: Obamacare is a total disaster, okay. I will create a tremendous healthcare plan. That I can tell you. It will be the finest healthcare plan God ever created. Obamacare is a total disaster and I will repeal it and replace it with Trump Health. You'll be so healthy, you won't even need a doctor. Doctors will go out of business, okay.

MR: We'll now go to a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: I'm a Muslim. What will you do about the growing problem of Islamophobia in America?

DJT: That's a real problem and I wish I could help you. But when our leaders refuse to say "radical Islamic terrorism" and the guy in San Bernardino and the other Muslims saw dozens and dozens of bombs in his apartment. Nobody said anything. We can't keep letting people into our country. We could be politically correct, but there is a problem with Muslims. And I'm sorry to have to say this, but I think you should leave.

HRC: Donald Trump doesn't love you. I love you. Remember the nasty things Donald said about Captain Khan and his family when you vote on November 8th.

MR: Mr. Trump, you called for a complete ban on Muslims entering the country. Is that still your position?

DJT: If I were President at that time, Captain Khan would be alive today. Hillary Clinton voted for the Iraq war. Don't forget that. The Muslim ban is now "extreme vetting."

MR: Why has that changed?

DJT: Why don't you interrupt Hillary Clinton? You interrupt me all the time just because I don't answer the questions you ask. Stupid lady reporter.

MR: Does the Muslim ban still stand?

DJT: It's called "extreme vetting," okay. We're letting tens of thousands of people into this country under Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton wants to let in more. We're letting all these people into our country and we don't even know if they like us or not. I have a simple test. We hand them slips of paper that read, "Do you like me? Check Yes or No." If they check Yes, we'll consider letting them in. If they check No, we'll send them by Trump Jet to some uncharted desert isle. That I can tell you.

DJT: I was against the war in Iraq. Everyone knows it. Hillary Clinton was for the Iraq war.

MR: I want to move on.

DJT: Excuse me. Excuse me, Martha Raddatz. She just went over her time. Is this a sisterhood-of-magic-pants type thing where you let her talk and talk and I don't get to say anything?

MR: Fine. Make it quick.

DJT: Illegal immigrants are coming into this country. They're criminals and drug lords and when their countries won't take them back, Hillary Clinton says, "That's okay. I have a sofa bed. They can sleep there." We need to protect our southern border. I was just endorsed by Ice. He's one of my favorite rappers, Ice. And he said to me. He said, "Trump, you've got to lose yourself in the moment. You own it. You gotta never let it go. You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow. If there was a problem. Yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while me deejay revolves it." That's why Hillary Clinton shouldn't be President.

MR: WikiLeaks released portions of Secretary Clinton's paid speeches. We have a question from Facebook regarding politicians having public and private positions.

HRC: I was talking about the movie Lincoln directed by Steven Spielberg. It's a good movie. Check it out. Anyway, that was part of a discussion on Lincoln's strategy to get the Thirteenth Amendment passed through Congress. Martha, I think what's really important here is that Russia and that rapist behind WikiLeaks are hacking into our systems to sway this election. Our adversaries want Donald Trump to be the next President because they know he is incredibly ignorant. Russia would be the Road Runner to Trump's Wile E. Coyote.

DJT: Now, she's blaming the late great Abraham Lincoln for Bill Clinton's affairs. I don't know anything about Russia. Any time anything goes wrong, they're always blaming Russia. They don't know that it was Russia. Nobody knows that it was Russia. I mean, yes, Secretary Clinton and I know it's Russia, because we received the same security briefing where we were each told by intelligence officials that Russia is doing the hacking. But what does that prove? I'm doing the old post office on Pennsylvania Avenue. The United States government chose me to do the old post office because my balance sheets. Warren Buffet took a huge tax deduction, and I know this because when you're a shady person, other people start acting shady, but they’re just imitating. Yeah, I took a huge tax deduction, but y’all act like you’ve never seen a white person before. Jaws all on the floor. I’m Slim Shady, yes, I’m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating. I'll release my taxes when this totally routine fifteen-year audit is complete. Post office.

AC360: We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: What will you do to ensure rich assholes pay their fair share in taxes?

DJT: I've taken advantage of the tax codes. Hillary Clinton complains, 'Oh, Donald Trump doesn't pay enough taxes.' But she was Senator and she could have changed the tax codes. She could have. I am, perhaps, one of the best understanders of government, and I know one Senator by herself has the power to change the tax codes. Why didn't she do it, folks? For thirty years she hasn't done it, and now they put out negative ads against Donald Trump. That's why she hasn't changed the tax codes. So they can go after Donald Trump. I'm lowering taxes for corporations and Hillary is raising taxes for everyone. It's going to be a disaster.

AC360: Mr. Trump, did you use that billion dollar loss to avoid paying federal taxes?

DJT: Of course, I do. Hillary Clinton could have stopped me, but she didn't because she has donors. Donors are people with money. People with money are just like me, and none of us pay taxes. Hillary Clinton doesn't want to do anything about stopping people like me, and I think that's disgraceful.

AC360: Can you say how many years you have avoided paying federal taxes?

DJT: No, but I pay taxes. I pay tremendous numbers of taxes. I've paid federal taxes, I think in 1982, maybe. Who knows? But, again, Hillary Clinton didn't stop me from using the loopholes in the tax codes. And I understand the tax codes better than anyone who has ever run for President. And Bernie Sanders – Hillary Clinton has bad judgment. She has bad judgment for letting me get away with tax evasion for my entire adult life. She has bad judgment because she, along with President Obama, created a vacuum and ISIS happened. Way to go, loser.

AC360: Secretary Clinton, would you like to respond?

HRC: You may be interested to know that I haven't spent my entire career tracking the goings on of one Donald J. Trump. I've spent most of my life helping people who actually need help like children, 9/11 first responders, veterans and the disabled. I advocated for women's rights around the world while Donald Trump was peeping on naked teenage girls at the Miss Universe pageant.

MR: We're moving on to a question about Syria.

DJT: But I want to talk about what a disaster Hillary Clinton was as a Senator.

MR: Mr. Trump, no. Sit. We're talking about Syria now.

Hillary Clinton clearly knows her shit about Syria and foreign affairs. Donald Trump clearly does not as he didn't mention Syria once in his two minutes. He did have a lot to say about ISIS and how ISIS is entirely Hillary Clinton's fault.

MR: Mr. Trump, the question was about Syria. I'll give you a hint and tell you what your running mate said about Syria.

DJT: It doesn't matter. I don't talk to him and I disagree with everything he says. He didn't back me up when the Access Hollywood tape was released. Bros before hoes, Mike. ISIS.

MR: What do you think will happen if Aleppo falls?

DJT: It's already fallen. Why can't we do a sneak attack in Iraq? Why can't we sneak in? The bad guys leave when you announce we're attacking. How stupid is our country?

MR: The military usually has a good reason for doing that.

DJT: I can't think of one.

MR: Getting civilians out.

DJT: Who cares? If the civilians want to live, then they should have moved when the bad guys went into their country.

MR: What is your strategy?

DJT: I have two hundred admirals and generals who I talk to, and they can't believe what is happening. General Douglas McArthur and General George Patton – think about that.

MR: I'm going to go to Secretary Clinton.

Hillary schools Trump on this subject while he paces around the room and then stares creepily into the camera. His beady little black eyes are staring right at me. I feel gross.

Hillary completes her answer and Donnie wants to respond, but not about anything she said.

DJT: She went a minute over her time and you didn't stop her. If I go a second over, you stop me.

MR: She was saying something. You don't say anything when you talk, Mr. Trump.

AC360: We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: Do you believe you can be a devoted President for all the people of the United States?

DJT: Sure. Hillary Clinton called my supporters deplorable, because, and you know this, some of my supporters are in the Ku Klux Klan. So what? Does that mean they don't have the same protection as the African-Americans? As the Latino Americans? As the Hispanic Americans? I will be a great President for the African-Americans, the Latino Americans, the Hispanic Americans, as well as the White Supremacist Americans. The inner cities are a disaster. Most of the blacks are living in poverty. So vote for me. What have you got to lose? You've got nothing. So you've got nothing to lose. And Hillary Clinton was in favor of the TPP, and now she's against it.

HRC: I've spent my entire life working for the rights of everyone. I've fought discrimination. But most importantly, I know Latinos and Hispanics aren't two separate groups of people.

AC360: Secretary Clinton, can you defend that 'basket of deplorables' comment?

HRC: He has supporters in the Klan, Anderson. The fucking Klan. And I apologized for that comment anyway, even though his supporters are in the fucking Klan. Donald Trump has never apologized to anyone for anything, and he has said far worse things than my one comment about the fucking Klan.

DJT: Hillary Clinton has tremendous hate in her heart. And I think you know that because I called her the devil earlier. Also, she is responsible for her husband's affairs. I'm throwing her in jail when I'm President. Remember that. Trump said it first, folks. Tremendous hate in her heart.

AC360: Mr. Trump, why do you Tweet about sex tapes at 3 a.m.?

DJT: I have twenty-five million followers. I'm not unproud of it. Benghazi.

AC360: Secretary Clinton, does Mr. Trump have the discipline to be a good leader?

HRC: No.

MR: We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: How would you go about selecting a Supreme Court Justice?

HRC: I would pick the person with the best experience.

DJT: I would pick the person most like Antonin Scalia.

AC360: We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: I'm Ken Bone. I'm wearing a bright red sweater. I will be famous for a few days after this. No one knows why. What would you do about clean energy and minimizing job loss?

The audience, the moderators and Hillary Clinton laugh. Donald Trump doesn't because he doesn't possess a sense of humor nor any other human emotion. Now on to the positive shit.

I correctly guess each candidate’s answer before a word is said. Clinton will compliment the Trump kids. I know this because that is the only nice thing anyone ever says about Donald Trump. His kids seem polished and well groomed. And Hillary Clinton did not disappoint.

(Note: My roommate has asked me to make a note about The Donalds Jr. She holds a strong conviction that both of Donnie's sons are "two pug scout serial killers.")
Trump will say Hillary Clinton is a fighter. I know this because I watched The Apprentice. I watched The Apprentice because it's hilarious to see D-list celebrities get into fisticuffs over who sold the most hot dogs. The only compliment Trump ever gave in any episode was, "Wow, look at this one. She's really a fighter." And when he fired someone, he said, "He just didn't have any fight in him. He gave up." And Trump didn't disappoint. He said Hillary is a fighter, she never gives up and she sold more hot dogs than Meatloaf. "Meatloaf, you’re fired."

This concludes the debate. A third debate is scheduled. It's completely unnecessary, but it's scheduled.

Following the debate, Chris Hardball was just blown the hell away at that wonderful compliment Trump gave Clinton. Chris Hardball, go to YouTube, watch a clip of The Apprentice, and stop making googly eyes at Trump. He said the same things about Gary Busey and Latoya Jackson.

Namaste, Bitches

Comments:

guytroy2579said:
Hey, this is your brother. Guess what? That "acid wash" nonsense Trump was talking about was apparently a reference to something called BleachBit. It has inspired me to create a color-coded encryption service called TieDye... look for it. Also, I have to give kudos to Ken Bone for not only asking one of the few actual debate questions of the night, but asking about one of my top three issues.