Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2007 16:11:52 -0500
From: RJ King
Subject: What About Me (1)
This is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life
locations or people are coincidence. This story also contains no explicit
sexual acts. Comments and feedback to king_0785@hotmail.com
What About Me
When something like love is terminated so quickly, in an instant, something
is left behind. Anger, fear, resentment, a prolonged feeling of loneliness
and detachment. When Adam broke up with me via text message, I didn't know
what to think. First anger of course. The little shit had sent me a text
to break up? The sheer ridiculousness of that situation hit me and I
started to laugh uncontrollably. And then the other emotions started to
filter in. Two years together, and suddenly in a very real way, I was
alone. But the loneliness I could manage. The feelings of betrayal that
seemed to pollute my veins caused me to lose a bit of my humanity. Over
the next couple weeks I lived in the same pair of sweatpants and
sweatshirt, and grimaced my way through the day. The winter was bitter
cold, and the campus seemed a little more dismal than usual.
"Hey." I was yanked from my in-depth session of self pity by Ben. Ben is
a bit of an oxymoron. He's in his fifth year of undergraduate ("just a
slacker", in his own words) and he's a hulking 6'4". He was my pledge dad,
but mostly just a big goof. He has an odd way of lumbering over toward you
like an overexcited St. Bernard and plowing you down with the sheer
velocity of his perpetual good moods. However, he's incredibly intelligent
despite never working that hard, and seemed to always have something to add
to a conversation that however odd it sounds, manages to be thought
provoking.
"Watcha up to?" He shot me a big grin, and I had to speed up my pace a
little to keep up with his big strides.
I realized I looked slightly pathetic, so I tried to smile back. "Not too
much, going to lunch."
"Want company?"
I shrugged. It was always hard to refuse Ben just about anything. Despite
being handsome in a wholesome, simple way, he just radiated good nature and
I'd known the most unpleasant people to become completely enamored with
him. For me, he feels like a big brother, and that's what I need the most
right now.
"So," he said jovially once we had gotten our food. "What's your type."
He began scanning the common room with his hand to his temple in a
cartoonish way. I rolled my eyes.
"Nobody you'd know." I smiled briefly. Ben frowned and I could tell he
could read my expression like an open book.
"Want to talk about it?" Such a cliche thing to say, but somehow coming
from him, I didn't mind.
I doodled with my soup and focused on the complex patterns of frost that
had formed across the tall stained windows, outside the wind had managed to
whip up the snow into a sort of tornado that swirled around between the two
large buildings. "Yes, and no. I miss him a lot, especially during
winter."
Ben looked intent on eating his food. "Your probably have seasonal mood
disorder, you want me to buy you a light box?"
"I'm not a woman," I shot back, a little resentfully. He grinned again and
continued to eat like a bear just out of hibernation.
"Mind if I sit with you guys?"
I looked up from my styrofoam bowl of mystery slime to see just about the
most attractive man I have ever laid eyes on in my life. Ever.
"Sure, pull up a chair." Ben did some kind of complex man-greeting
involving some testosterone filled grunts and a complex series of hand
motions that ended with a rather enthusiastic thump on the back that would
have probably laid me flat out on the floor. "Josh this is Jordan," Ben
motioned to the guy that had just sat down between the two of us. I was
still a little dazed starting into his eyes like an idiot.
"Oh hey, I'm Josh." I extended my hand, and then retracted it, realizing
that I had no idea how to do a man-greeting and I would probably end up
jamming a finger.
There was an awkward pause, and Ben and Jordan began talking, exchanging
sports scores and other appropriately male things. I ate my globby soup
and returned to spacing out thinking about Adam.
The first day I'd met Adam, I remember I couldn't take my eyes off the
tattoo that wound its way down around his arm starting first up at his
shoulder, then snaking across his bicep to end up on his tricep halfway
around the back. It was oddly erotic, the black ink standing out against
his muscular arms, and I wanted to run my hand across it. He had jet black
hair and dark features like Ben, and I remember that night later, my back
pressed up against his leather headboard, running my hands through the
thick locks as he slowly fucked me. I felt on fire, and when he pulled out
later, I'd never felt such a profound feeling of emptiness. But as
dangerous and as insensitive as he had seemed, I remember waking up the
next morning, his arms wrapped around me and when I opened my eyes his were
already open. He smiled and I realized that I wanted to stay in his bed as
long as I could and as much as I could.
And another memory worked its way into my mind. I had taken him to my
parent's country club. He was about as out of place as he could be, but he
gallantly seemed to put up with it for me. I remember walking past a few
of my parent's friends and one woman openly ogled his eyebrow piercing. He
looked so handsome in a black shirt and grey pants, about the most dressed
up I'd ever seen him. We watched the fireworks from the golf course, and
he held my hand, and I'd never felt so out of control in my life. The
feelings I had for him were so intense that I felt like a derailed train.
I looked into his stern eyes and he looked so serious.
"I love you." It was quiet, but I definitely heard it. I looked over at
his face, but his expression had not changed. Focused, resolute, showing
no emotion. Then he smiled and I felt warm all over.
"I love you too."
It had to have been one of the highlights of my life.
"Josh."
I looked up dumbly, and Ben was examining me with a curious look on his
face. "So, are you coming tonight?"
I looked a little confused, and Ben rolled his eyes. "To Jordan's, he's
having an afterhours tonight."
I shrugged. "I guess I'll come, if Ben is going." I then realized how
dependant this sounded and Jordan gave me a strange look.
"We'll go." Ben said and laughed. He had mustard on the corner of his
mouth. Very Benesque. "Want us to bring a dish to share?"
I blushed and Jordan and Ben laughed in their manly way. I sighed
inwardly. I had no desire to go but, what else was I going to do on a
Friday night. It was too cold to go bar-hopping and getting to see Jordan
again might be nice. Even though he's undeniably straight. I somehow
manage to go for whatever is completely illogical and unavailable.
*****
"Hey, glad you could make it." Jordan extended his hand and I gave him a
shortened version of the man-greeting. Feeling satisfactorily
straight-ish, I entered his apartment. Very new-age college bachelor with
a dartboard on the wall, stacks of empty beer cartons in the kitchen, and a
pair of hideous looking green couches that had been repaired with duct
tape. Ben sat at one end of one of the couches looking suitably lit with a
girl sprawled across his lap. She was saying something and I could tell by
the look on his face that he was either not interested or losing
consciousness. So much for the moral support tonight. I knew nobody but
Ben who was nonfunctioning, and Jordan who I had just met. So I took a
seat on one of the couches and watched Ben slip away into complete
oblivion, the girl on his lap still talking loudly about something.
"So, did you go out tonight?" I was a little surprised to see Jordan
sitting on the couch arm next to me with two beers. I took the proffered
drink.
"No, it's too cold for me, I'm from Georgia." He smiled and clinked
bottles with mine.
"I'm from Florida, small town on the edge of the Everglades." The music
was so loud I was having trouble hearing him. But seeing him, there was no
trouble in that. Contrary to Ben's dark features, Jordan had light very
short blondish brown hair almost buzzed and two of the most beautiful blue
eyes which oddly seemed darker tonight. He had perfect teeth, so white I
couldn't stop staring at them as we talked.
"Yeah, I hope it stops snowing. Well, either that or it snows enough that
they cancel classes."
He took a swig of his beer. "Yeah, well here it takes about five feet of
snow to cancel class, so fat chance."
We talked some more, almost yelling ourselves hoarse as the music was so
loud. Ben had completely passed out and the girl was busy trying to
unbutton his shirt. Jordan and I laughed watching the scene unfold, and I
felt oddly at ease around him. He was a traditional cocky athlete, but
seemed like a genuinely nice guy. I left at about 4am, and told Jordan I'd
be back for Ben in the morning. We had considered moving him, but 240
pounds of solid muscle between two drunks seemed like an insurmountable
task. We left him passed out with the girl lying on top of him.
*****
"Josh." Again I was pulled out of daydream land. "I saw you looking at
Jordan."
I focused on my food. "Can you blame me?"
Ben laughed. "So you like blondes huh."
I shrugged and continued to eat.
"You know he's straight right?" Ben was oddly interested, I don't know why.
"Yeah, but it's nice to dream."
Ben stayed quiet for awhile. It was oddly awkward between us. The silence
was uncomfortable, one of the first times I could remember feeling truly
self conscious around him.
"Well don't get your hopes up for things that won't happen." Ben sounded
angry, and he had lost his typically good mood.
We finished lunch and as my class was on the way to Ben's, he walked with
me. We didn't share any of the typical conversation that we usually do,
and Ben was stoically quiet as we walked across the snow filled quad. The
sky was completely clear but a dreary shade of gray, lit from within as if
the sun was trying to break through.
We arrived at my building, and Ben stopped. "Josh."
I looked at him, and his grey eyes seemed to harbor something inside that I
couldn't quite decipher. "I just don't want to see you get hurt again."
I nodded. "I just think he's hot, I'm not going to rape him Ben," I said
for lack of anything else. Ben gave me an odd look and walked on. I stood
there for a few seconds watching him walk away.
*****
It was another one of Jordan's after hours. We'd gotten fairly close,
hitting the bars together a few Friday nights and generally partying back
at his apartment with Ben, some slutty-looking horny sophomore girls, and
some guys from the baseball and soccer teams.
Most of the people had filtered out, and Ben was once again passed out on
the couch halfway through making out with another random girl. She was
trying to wake him up, but to no avail. Good old Ben, once he's asleep it
would take a nuclear holocaust to get him back up.
I stood up to leave and realized I was a bit drunker than I thought I was.
The room wasn't spinning yet, but I definitely felt a head rush.
"You want to crash here?" Jordan asked from the kitchen, he was trying to
empty the overflowing garbage can without any success.
"Yeah I guess, you have an air mattress or something?"
Jordan emerged from the kitchen. "Nah, my bed isn't big but it'll fit both
of us."
I immediately felt sick to my stomach. Being in a bed with Jordan and
staying under control would be a paramount test of my self control. "I can
crash on the couch."
"Ben might wake up and want some privacy," Jordan motioned over to the
girl, now collapsed on top of Ben, his hand resting on her ass.
I laughed. "You're right." I felt oddly giddy, and followed Jordan into
his bedroom. He shut the door behind us and it was uncomfortably quiet.
He stripped out of his pants and shirt, and lay on top of the bed, the pale
light illuminating his muscular torso, the rippling abs, and his sculpted
pecs. I left my shorts on and lay down next to him.
His bed was comfortable, but being next to him was distracting and I
wondered if I could ever get to sleep. I rolled over on my side away from
him, and I could smell him on the pillow. Clean and masculine, but a bit
of sweat and cologne. I could feel the body heat radiating from him next
to me, and I felt a chill go through my body. I was rock hard, and there
was nothing I could do about it.
Jordan shifted next to me, and I felt him roll over so he was facing my
back. Drunken and a losing some of my inhibitions, I slowly inched back
toward him, until I felt his chest press into my back. I let out a small
sigh without thinking.
Then I froze, I felt Jordan move toward me, slowly bringing his body into
full contact with mine. His hardness was pressed up against the crack of
my ass through my shorts and he slowly gyrated his hips. I closed my eyes
and thrust back against him, and his arm snaked around, searching for my
cock. I was harder than I'd ever been, and felt his warm hand close around
the fabric, wet with my precum.
We stayed like this for awhile, Jordan slowly pressing his cock against my
ass, jacking me off slowly with his hand. His legs intwined with mine and
I wanted him inside me so badly. Eventually drunken sleep took over and I
passed out with Jordan's hand still on my dick, his hard body pressed up
against me with his breath against my neck.
I woke up in the morning slowly, sleep slowly draining away from my body.
The bed was empty, Jordan was gone. I realized it was Monday morning and
he probably had class. I stretched awkwardly and inhaled his scent from
the sheets, my cock straining again with the thought of last night. I
heard a toilet flush outside, and the door to the bedroom open. I quickly
grabbed the sheet to cover myself as a naked Jordan came through the door.
I hadn't realized how beautiful his body was until I saw it now in all of
its full glory. He had broad shoulders, perfectly shaped pectoral muscles,
tapering down to a slender waist with a thin line of hair from his navel
down to his neatly trimmed pubic hair. His abs were tight and perfectly
defined, and I remembered feeling them flexing against my back last night
as he rubbed his cock against my ass.
He grinned and got back into bed.
"Want to finish what we started?"
I was in no position to complain. This time he was on top of me, and it
felt electric as our cocks slid together, mine still trapped in my shorts.
And then the door opened.
I don't know who had more of a surprised look on their face, myself, Ben,
or Jordan. I remembered registering a look of utter shock on his face, and
then something else. Something deeper, and if I didn't know Ben better, I
would have said hurt and possibly jealousy.
I immediately pushed Jordan off of me but Ben had already left. I heard
the apartment door open and slam shut.
"I'm sorry, I have to go." Jordan nodded and I grabbed my clothes.
*****
I saw Ben in the library the next day, he hadn't called me or responded to
my calls. He was hunched over a book, not like him at all, wearing gray
sweatpants, a blue university sweatshirt, and a white baseball cap turned
backwards. He had his glasses on and looked almost scholarly. Except for
the huge gym bag next to him and the emblazoned Baseball declared on the
front of his shirt. I sat down opposite him and he barely looked up.
"What the fuck?" I said loudly, apparently loudly enough for a few people
in the tables next to us to look up. "Do you no longer answer your phone?"
He looked at me with a look of resentment I had never seen before from him.
"Do you have to turn all my friends gay?"
I was taken aback by this accusation and looked at Ben with a look of
disbelief. Was he really accusing me of turning Jordan gay? "Excuse me?"
He stood up. "You heard me, faggot."
In all of my three year friendship with Ben I have never heard him use that
word before. Something deep down inside me broke, and I felt like crying.
"What?"
And with that he gathered up his book and his bag, and left. I sat at the
table for a few more minutes, completely oblivious of all the looks I was
getting.
*****
The next few weeks were utter torture. Ben wouldn't talk to me, and
judging by the dismissive looks he gave me the next few times I attempted
to communicate with him, had no intention to ever do so again. I was lost.
I had lost Adam, and now I had lost my best friend. I didn't even think of
Jordan, and he stopped calling me to go out. I focused on my schoolwork,
but at night, I was profoundly lonely.
Which was how, one Friday night at three in the morning, I ended up outside
Jordan's apartment. He answered the door and looked genuinely surprised to
see me. There was nobody else there, and he looked as if he'd been
sleeping.
"Josh?"
I stepped inside. Oddly, seeing Jordan made me angry. Angry that he had
been the reason that Ben and I were no longer talking.
"Fuck me."
He looked a little taken aback, but I was determined. I needed him, needed
to feel the validation that he truly wanted me, that the night we had spent
together before wasn't the result of my sick homoerotic tendencies
polluting his mind.
We ended up on the couch, I was uncomfortably bent over one of the arms,
and he was fucking me from behind. Oddly, it was no comfort. It was cold
in his apartment and I felt strangely humiliated as he continued to fuck
me, still wearing pants and a shirt and I was still wearing tennis shoes.
He came pretty quickly, and I heard him grunt slowly and grab my shoulders,
pulling my ass to him. I came on the arm of his couch, which I'm sure
wasn't the first time to happen.
It was pretty clear that he didn't want me to stay, and I got dressed,
feeling a little awkward as he stood there watching me.
"Jordan?"
And a girl emerged from his room, wearing only one of his shirts, staring
at the two of us. "Are you coming back?"
He looked at me.
"Yeah I was just leaving," I said, a little bit dazed that he had fucked me
while he left a girl in his bed.
Walking back to my room across campus, the bitter wind whipped around me
and the snow was coming down hard. I passed the chapel and felt the empty
feeling start growing within my chest. I wanted to cry, but felt so
emotionally drained I couldn't bring myself to. I fell asleep after lying
in my bed for three hours that night just as the weak morning light started
to creep through the windows. I missed talking to Ben, and I desperately
wanted to call him, but I knew he had no interest in talking to me.
Something about Jordan fucking me had felt so wrong, but his rejection
echoed the rejection I felt from Ben. I had deserved it, because in Ben's
eyes, I was a bad friend.
*****
It was mid afternoon and I registered someone pounding on my door. I
opened it up to see a furious looking Ben. My heart jumped that he had
come to see me, but the look on his face instantly ended that optimism.
He walked in almost pushing my aside, slamming the door behind him. "You
let Jordan fuck you?"
My mouth dropped open for a few seconds, before I got the sense to close it
and say something. "How did you know?"
Ben paced the room. "He told me, bragged about it almost. Says he nailed
you and then some girl in the same night. What happened to you?"
I was suddenly angry at him. "What happened to me? How about what happened
to you? You never talk to me anymore, you ignore me, you call me a faggot.
What the fuck Ben, I don't even know you anymore."
He looked at me with such anger I was almost frightened. "Since when do
you let people treat you like trash?"
I walked up to him and looked at him with as much anger as I could manage.
"Since I let you."
In a split second I was on the floor, my jaw hurt and I looked up at Ben,
shaking his hand in pain. "You fucking punched me?"
He looked down at me in shock. "Josh, I." He said nothing else, only
looked down at me almost in disbelief.
"Ben leave."
He offered me a hand to help me up but I got up on my own. "Get the fuck
out of my room."
He turned and left without another word.
I slumped down against the closed door, and suddenly after all the days of
repressing it, the tears came. I cried for Adam, I cried for the way
Jordan treated me, but mostly I cried for losing Ben. I felt like such a
coward, but I couldn't stop. Exhausted, I passed out on the floor. This
was turning out to be one of the worst weeks of my life.
*****
Winter had given way into Spring, and finally graduation was here. I still
had one year left but a lot of my friends were leaving and in the back of
my mind, I realized that Ben was leaving as well. I had thought about him
non-stop the last couple months, but was unable to confront him half out of
hatred half out of cowardice.
Somehow wandering across campus I ended up outside his apartment. I walked
up the steps for the first time in months and knocked on his door. I
wanted to say goodbye, only if just for the sake of seeing him one more
time. The door opened slowly as I knocked and I saw that the living room
was empty. A lamp stood in the corner, but everything else was gone. I
walked inside, the damp heat taking over the small space. Flooded with
memories, I walked over to his kitchen and rested my head against the cool
front of the refrigerator. The combination of hating Ben and missing Ben
had taken a toll on me and I felt so lost for so long, and now despair that
I might never see him again. I silently kicked myself for not trying to
see him sooner.
"Josh?"
Ben was standing in the doorway, shirtless, with a key in his hand. "What
are you doing here?"
I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. "I just wanted to say goodbye."
He leaned against the door jam and looked at me critically. "I was just at
your room, I guess we missed each other walking across the quad."
"You came to my room?"
He nodded. "Well, I'm moving so I wanted to say goodbye." My heart fell
and I wanted to hug him so badly.
"Well goodbye then," I said stupidly. There was so much more I wanted to
say but I realized the time had come and gone.
He walked over to me, and I realized I had forgotten how comforting being
close to Ben really was. He was covered in a light sheen of sweat as he
had obviously been moving all of his stuff out, and his dark hair was
slightly messed up. He towered over me, and I felt a little small. His
gray eyes were stern and penetrating, serene soulful and I wanted to hug
him badly.
"Josh, when will you just admit it."
I looked at him. "Admit what?"
"That you're in love with me."
What an egotistical bastard. "I'm not in love with you Ben."
He stepped closer to me. "Look at me and say it."
And suddenly, looking into his eyes, I realized in an instant that I was.
Even while I was with Adam, I had loved Ben without even understanding my
feelings. He was perfect, and I was scared to even admit to myself that I
wanted to be with him. Somehow, I had managed to suppress that knowledge
so deeply that even now, at the end of the road as we parted company, it
was still a surprise to me.
I rested my hands lightly on his chest, and it felt like the most natural
thing ever. "I guess you're right."
He smiled. "I'm sorry for punching you."
I shrugged. "No lasting damage."
He gave me a light punch on the shoulder. "Anything else you want to say?"
I shook my head. "I'll miss you Ben."
He gave me the abbreviated goodbye version of the man-greeting and smiled.
"I'll miss you too kid."
And then he was gone.
I looked around his apartment and could still remember just hanging out
with him, cooking dinner, laughing, watching horribly bad movies, wrestling
around on the floor together acting like complete idiots. Again I wanted
to cry but, as much crying as I had been doing lately, I thought it best to
give the waterworks a rest.
I opened the door to leave, and Ben was standing there, grinning like a
retard. "And you were going to let me leave, just like that?"
And then he kissed me, and it felt like the most natural thing on earth.
All the pain and confusion of the past months fell away, and I felt his
warm lips against mine, and his powerful arms around me. His tongue
slipped into my mouth and he tasted wonderful, his body pressed up against
me, I was sure he could feel my heartbeat. He broke the kiss and smiled
the big old smile I remembered. "God, do I always have to look out for
your best interests or what?"
We had sweaty, completely satisfying sex on the floor of his empty
apartment despite the intense heat and humidity. Looking up into his eyes,
I felt the fiery excitement and out of control lust I had with Adam, but a
much more comfortable and safe feeling than I ever had before. He rocked
his body against mine, kissing my neck and shoulders as he moved inside me
and I felt more full and more happy than I could remember. Completely
spent, collapsed together on the floor, he told me that he loved me. And
unlike Adam, I wasn't surprised. Somehow I had known it all along.
*****
"How's grad school?"
Ben shrugged over his sandwich. We were once again sitting in the common
room eating lunch, the harsh winter had set in again and it was snowing
like crazy.
"So you were jealous of Jordan?"
Ben looked up. "Yeah, I always figured I'd be the first one to fuck you."
I glared at him over my usual slop of soup.
"Okay, and I always figured I'd be the last." He smiled, and I felt all
warm inside.
We walked back to our apartment across campus, and I held his hand tightly
in mine. It's amazing how sometimes the most overlooked people in our lives
can be the most important. I had spent days with Ben and been completely
oblivious to the fact that we were in love with each other. Although it
had taken a long time and series of unfortunate events to bring us to the
place we are now, I think we both agree that it was well worth the rocky
start.
"You have no idea how angry I was that you let Jordan fuck you," Ben said
seriously as he unlocked our door. "I was thinking, well, what about me?"
I laughed and he pulled me close to him. "Well, what about you?"
He cocked his head. "You should be glad I like sloppy seconds."
I tried pushing him away, but he had a good hold on me. He kissed me and
it felt like Christmas. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
*****