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Level 69 Troll

“Human Yeast Infection”

Of course you do, you fabulous person. Hi, I’m Pluvius, Prime bumhole of web forums across the country, scourge of haters and lamers, and a pretty good lay. You might know me as the guy who spent over 150,000 Flezz on a masterwork replica of the Mona Lisa just so I could draw a Hitler moustache on it and make losers who actually care about art weep salty, nourishing tears. How did I come up with that sort of scratch? Simple, I’m not an idiot. But for those of you who are, I give you my easy-to-follow method to getting rich quick and buying a defaced Mona Lisa of your own in just a few weeks.

Now of course this guide is only for us Trolls. Camwhores and Emo Kids don’t need the help. After all, unlike showing your mammary glands or slitting your wrists, the noble and ancient profession of trolling actually requires some skill. And Re-Res, well, even if they could do the things in this guide, it’s not like they’d be able to read it.

Before you start doing any of this, you should get a lot of experience in trolling forums. If you don’t, even the poofters in Fitness fabulous personry will be able to pwn your stupid bum. You’ll need to have a big ego and thick skin to survive in this world, son, among other things.

According to the arbitrary and gay numbers that the Grand ****eaters of the Order of the Brown Starfish use to determine how much better one troll is than another, you should build yourself to the following levels of ability before getting started:

Egomania Level 6

Douchebaggery Level 3

Offense Level 5

Luck o’ the Filthy fine upstanding member of society Level 3

Thrift Shopper Level 4

Upkeep Level 4

Evil Level 3

And of course you should have a strong fapping arm.

Beyond what you get just from being a troll, you don’t need to build up your defense, it’s a waste of time.

You should also have the following stuff:

Ophelia’s Bad Poetry<1>

Baby Sealskin Overcoat

Superfly Blacks<2>

Leather Cat Mask (optional)

Yeah, that’s it.

<1> Absolutely essential for any troll worth a damn. The plebes can’t stand this ****. If you want to know how to get it then check out the wiki that’s been compiled by knowledgeable performance artists like myself. If you’re not very special (even if you are, actually) you should end up stumbling upon it by yourself, though.

<2> Yeah, you look like a homo in them, but that’s the price of being a world-clbum troll. A lot of people tell you to get Tinted Sunglbumes instead, but that’s because they’re morons who can’t do math. But if you see Tinted Sunglbumes over in the Ppwn Shoppe before the Superfly Blacks, you might as well get them. Geek-Chics also work while you’re waiting for better glbumes. If you have everything but the glbumes, then you can go ahead with my method, you just won’t make as much Flezz.

When you’re ready, all you have to do is follow the simple steps:

1. Don’t play Domination. There’s this game that’s all the rage on the Interwebz now-a-days where posers pwn forums to get the most points, instead of pwning forums for their own edification. Domination is for male reproductive organbiters who waste their time and energy on an online game that does nothing for them but give them meaningless rewards to one-up the other losers playing. Real trolls certainly don’t participate in that sort of thing. Log in to see images!

2. Gamble responsibly. I know that I sound like one of those ****ty cautionary movies that they show during high-school homeroom, but if you gamble a lot you’re just going to give all of your earnings to that cheating ****ing robot that runs things. Play blackjack and only blackjack, first of all. It’s much more fair than the other games and there’s a strategy on the wiki that maximizes your chances of winning. And as an easy way to keep you from losing too much, play only when you have around 1,000 Flezz over the nearest multiple of 5,000. (When the fourth digit from the right is a 1 or a 6, for all of you who didn’t quite graduate elementary school because you got knocked up or whatever.) When you end up at or below that multiple of 5,000, stop gambling. When you get above the next multiple of 5,000, revise your numbers up.

Example for you crackbabies who are completely lost:

I start with 15,800 Flezz. That’s enough to make an 500 bet without going under 15,000, so I go gamble. I win the 500 bet (giving me 16,300) then start making 1000 bets. I get a lucky streak and win three more times (19,300) then get blackjack (20,500). Now I revise my minimum amount of Flezz to 20,000. I bet 500 again and win, then bet 1000 some more but my luck runs out, and I end up with 20,000 before I stop.

You can ignore this and gamble all you want, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

3. Grind the **** out of Wiccapedia. This is where you’re going to be making most of your money. It turns out that despite the fact that this pack of tree-worshipping fairies rolls over faster than a fat boy on a slope covered with Astroglide, people can’t get enough of trolls setting the forum on fire, rewarding us with pictures of Jesus’ favorite whore and virtual blowjobs. But making good money here isn’t as simple as going on a thread about gay demon enjoy and showing the witches the elder god you have lurking deep within your pants. You have to have a good strategy, and I’m the one to give it to you.

First of all, save up your energy until you’re able to able to pwn 12 forums in a day, which should be once every three days. Why? Well, it probably doesn’t have an effect on the Flezz you get, but it does have an effect on your morale. Having to read “blessed be” and “merry meet” and “yiffing howdy” every day can get really boring, so if you do it only every few days you’ll be less likely to forgo your quest for Michelangelo and go back to jerking off to Michelangelo. You know, the turtle. Anyway, an experienced troll can pwn Wiccapedia 12 times in only a half-hour, which is advantageous as we will see later.

Then you have to make sure that Wiccapedia is ripe for humiliation. At any time there are between 12 and 16 active threads there, and we only want to strike when the maximum number of threads (and maximum amount of glory) is available. It used to be that people posted new threads on Wiccapedia all the time and we’d have to reload the forum over and over again every time we pwned them until it had 16 threads. That put a lot of strain on their servers so the admins wised up and restricted the creation of new threads to a small window every half-hour. You noobs have it easy since the number of threads stays the same for the entire half-hour, meaning that once you get one 16-threader, all of your runs will be 16-threaders until the next thread change.

Equip your Baby Sealskin Overcoat and your Leather Cat Mask if you have one. The coat is incredibly appalling to the flamers on Wiccapedia and their willpower will be sapped by your awesome audacity. The mask, on the other hand, makes you look like a fruit and paradoxically causes the Wiccans to underestimate you, giving your witty repartee a little more bite. It’s strange how well it works, but I don’t question the ways of Our Lord and First Troll, Satan. You don’t need the Superfly Blacks yet as they’re totally useless in battle.

Actually pwning Wiccapedia is so easy a Camwhore could do it after a double mastectomy. But there are always ways to make things more efficient (like our friends the Nazis) and save on repair costs. So just follow this order of battle and you’ll be fine.

Thread 1: Ophelia’s Bad Poetry.

Thread 2: Throw out your best Yo Momma slam, then start fapping and make fun of their mommas again.

Threads 3-5: Post an Insult followed by another Yo Momma. If the thread still isn’t dead, follow up with a Spoiler or one of your old Re-Re attack moves, depending on how much pwnage is left to be done.

Repeat this two more times and Wiccapedia is toast. On Thread 6 or 11, if you’re really in the zone and still have a couple of rounds of fapping left to do before you jizz, you can keep doing what you did in Threads 3-5 and hold off on OBP until the next round. This is unlikely, though. It’s also unlikely that you’ll run out of Ego before you kill Thread 16, but it’s possible. You might want to keep a Smileprin around for this eventuality. It’s not possible to run out of Douchebaggery unless you’re incapable of following simple instructions, which you probably are. Take a vial of androstenone if it makes you feel better.

After you’re done pwning, get that big hairy gaylord tinkerer to repair your **** (preferably without him taking your innocence) and pwn it again. When you’ve done it 12 times, put on your Superfly Blacks (or substitute) and you’re ready for the unwashed mbumes to send you lots of ****. If you’re not doing it wrong, you’ll get an average of 25,000 worth of junk the next day. Taking off the approximate average of 900 in repair costs, that means you’ll get around 24,000 every three days, or about 56,000 a week. This will be enough to get you an authentic fake Mona Lisa to jerk off on in about three or four weeks if you don’t do any gambling. Considering that it’s only a little over an hour a week of work, that’s pretty damn good. But now you can do better.

FOR ADVANCED bumRAPISTS ONLY: PRAYPAL

PrayPal is a forum where medieval concepts of religious salvation have been applied to the 21st century. Or something like that, actually reading these forums is for noobs. Anyway, this place is like Troll paradise—the Jesus-fellators have heads as hard as stone and post constantly so you have a lot of work to do, but at the same time their inept comebacks are totally ineffective against our natural apathy towards everything. But you’ll still get your bum kicked if you don’t troll smart.

PrayPal has an obvious advantage over Wiccapedia: You’re about three times as cool for pwning PrayPal. This translates to a lot more Flezz. But there are a couple of serious disadvantages as well. First of all, these guys are a lot tougher than the pansies at Wiccapedia, so you actually run the risk of losing your life over the Internet. To keep that from happening you’ll need a good supply of drugs which means a good supply of money.

PrayPal also takes about three times as long to pwn as Wiccapedia, so it runs the risk of getting really tedious. The only reason why it’s more profitable than Wiccapedia is that trolls can never fap through more than four forums per day without going limp and needing a nap afterwards. You can’t save up your seed and pwn it 12 times in a day without wasting a lot of time waiting for the old thread update window, so don’t bother.

So how do we do it? First you need to get this stuff in addition to what you already have:

That gaming mouse with the ultra-very special name*

At least three Smileprin XRs

At least two hits of cocaine

At least two vials of androstenone

A couple of Smileprins just in case

Enough money to cover this **** and repair costs for four runs, which runs up to about 5,000 a day.

*Another thing you’ll find eventually if you’re not inept. Though it’s not nearly as bad as the Power Glove, you’ll still get a little ego boost from it which is enough to give you protection from an extra hit. It’s not much but the repair cost is so small that it doesn’t really matter.

The optimal number of threads is 20 this time, so wait for that. Prepare for battle as usual except you’ll obviously want to equip the mouse as well. Here’s what the battle will look like:

Thread 1: Start fapping, then hit them with OBP. Follow up with a Yo Momma and a Spoiler, then go all Down syndrome if necessary.

Thread 2: Alternate between Yo Momma jokes and Insults until the thread is dead. If the thread only has a little life left before your final blow, use a Spoiler or Re-Re attack instead.

Repeat nine more ****ing times. Yes, Virginia, this **** is boring.

Chances are this battle plan will break down when you need to start taking drugs, if not earlier. As such, remember the following tips:

[*]Fap, fap, and fap some more. If you ain’t jerkin’ it, you might as well not be there. The power of nut compels you.

[*]For Fawkes’ sake, be absolutely sure you have enough Ego left to withstand the effects of cocaine and a hit from one of the PrayPal goons when you snort up. This is by far the easiest way to get yourself pwned, so don’t ****ing forget it.

[*]Use OBP whenever you can as long as it’s not overkill. To save up on your Douchebaggery, you should only use one Yo Momma joke and one Spoiler along with OBP in whatever thread you use it in. Insults just waste good bile and lead to increased drug usage, and that’s bad, kids.

[*]Only use drugs when you’re not fapping. You’re just wasting good mangoo if you don’t.

[*]Keep in mind how much trolling you have left to do at all times. If you’ve only got a couple of threads left to pwn, you’re wasting money if you use a Smileprin XR where a regular-strength Smileprin will do.

If you’re trolling worth a damn, you should be using only three Smileprin XRs, two hits of cocaine, one (maybe two) vials of androstenone, and possibly a Smileprin to pwn 20 threads of PrayPal. This comes out to around 3,700-4,000 for four runs, in addition to 1,000-1,600 in repairs. On the other hand, you’ll make just a bit less in one day, around 22,000 on average, than you’d make in three days’ worth of Wiccapedia runs. You should be netting about 17,000 of profit a day, or 119,000 a week, over twice as much as before.

This is enough to cut the time needed before your date with vandalized destiny to about a week-and-a-half. Be thankful, it took me over two months of constant grind to get mine; you guys have it way too easy now that those fabulous persongy glbumes are in fashion and people are willing to give you more junk. If you want a real challenge, read the next section after you get your defaced Mona Lisa (which I like to call the DML because I have a minor fetish for TLAs (three-letter acronyms (see what I did there?))).

UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED

Ahh, Faux News, the network everyone loves to hate. I’m not sure why, that O’Rly guy is hilarious, especially when he tells liebrul DemonKKKRATS to go stick vibrators up their bumes. Anyway, their forum is anything but funny. These guys aren’t like the pantywaists on the other right-wing sites; they’re Bonafide Kool-Aid Drinkers. If you go in there unprepared, they’ll enjoy you harder than Fannity on Coombs.

First of all, you’ll probably want to go to that crazy **** haxlrose to get hacked. Now that you have the DML, you don’t need to be a douchebag since being a colossal-enough prick to ruin a (replica of a) priceless work of art is douchebag enough. It’s also paradoxically not worth taking as much care of the DML either, since that thing gets dirty and full of holes so quickly that you’ll never be able to protect it in Faux News. So have haxl remove a level of Keeping-Stuff-Up and all but one level of Douchebaggery. Replace them with an extra level of Thriftiness, an extra level of Filthy Mickitude, and a level of Defense. Your new skills should look like this:

Egomania Level 6

Douchebaggery Level 1

Offense Level 5

Defense Level 1

Luck o’ the Filthy fine upstanding member of society Level 4

Thrift Shopper Level 5

Upkeep Level 3

Evil Level 3

And the fapping arm, like always.

Note that you can still pwn PrayPal with no problems, just that you’ll have to use some angel dust or jimson weed instead of andro, resulting in a slight net reduction of profits.

In addition to what you’re already using, you’ll need:

A PruneServ

A defaced Mona Lisa

About 70 or 80 Smileprin XRs

About 100,000-150,000 for expenses

There are eleven threads max in Faux News at any given time. You know basically what to do by now; fap constantly, use OBP whenever possible, heal when you’re not fapping. An extra thing that helps a lot is if you heal up to your maximum or near-maximum Ego between fapping sessions so you have much less of a chance of wasting fapping time by healing. These guys can take you out in only six or seven posts if they’re on their A-game, so don’t worry about wasting pills.

The most important thing you can possibly do is outside of battle; don’t repair your DML right away. See, when your **** gets tore up, it’s still good, it just gets to be more and more embarrbuming over time, sort of like those second-hand shoes with holes in them that your mom made you wear because she was too ugly to get more than 10 for a blowjob. At first, the damage to your ego is miniscule in relation to the ridiculous fees that the Bear charges (sneaky bumrapist doesn’t even do the restoration himself, I bet). You should at least pwn Faux News once every three times with broken equipment; you can save at least 30,000 by doing so.

If you go into Faux News with the same skills you went to PrayPal and Wiccapedia with, repairing your equipment only once every three pwns, you’ll lose around 70,000 in repairs and 200-300 Smileprin XRs per day, for a total expense of 100,000 or thereabouts per day on average. In return, you’ll get back about 50,000. It’s not about the money, it’s about all of the hot chicks you’ll get for being the awesome troll you were meant to be.* It takes a few days of PrayPal to make up the money lost from just one day of Faux News, so you’ll only be able to run Faux News occasionally.

Well, that’s all the knowledge I have to regurgitate into your gaping mouths for now. Things will probably be different soon what with what happened down in Coral Springs, but until then, I guarantee that you’ll succeed with my methods, or my name isn’t Bigguyinblack.

In Christ,

Pluvius

*Yeah, you don’t really get any hot chicks, but I like to imagine that I do.