With government cheese, everything is a wedge issue

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Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson recently made it official: “Any customer is welcome to use Starbucks spaces, including our restrooms, regardless of whether they make a purchase, but we’re excluding anyone who smokes, uses drugs or alcohol, sleeps in or improperly uses the restroom, is unreasonably loud, watches inappropriate content on a personal device, or is inconsiderate of others through their personal hygiene choices.”

To create this sense of community, employees are being trained to consult the moral codes of 57 different racial, ethnic, religious, and gender groups when deciding if they’d be offended by the behavior of customers.

“For example, if a gay white female atheist employee is offended by something, we’re asking her to consult a straight black male Muslim refugee employee to see if they agree on whether a customer is disruptive,” said Johnson.

If the employees can’t reach a consensus, they’ll be instructed to access an Apple iPad loaded with the full text of the Quran, the Bhagavad-Gita, the Five Classics of Confucianism, the Complete Works of Dan Savage, The Book of the Dead, and 52 other sacred books (excluding Christianity).

“If they can find a reason to exclude the customer within 15 minutes, they’re ordered to respectfully ask the customer to cease the offensive action while another group of employee watches,” said Johnson.

“It’s a delicate balance that will require substantial investment in personnel and document management, but we think it will work,” said Johnson. “If, for some unforeseen reason, we can’t create a sense of community in our stores, we’ll divide our customers into separate tribes with their own safe spaces that we can more effectively control.”

If a Starbucks employee thinks the situation isn’t safe, he or she should call the Black Panthers.