Thursday, August 5, 2010

Conspiracy Theory: "Soylent Green is Douches!"

Occasionally I receive many emails alerting me to the same item. When this occurs, the item usually falls under one of three categories: 1) A "wacky invention" (such as that bendy bike); 2) "Anti-veloism" in the media (such as the Tony Kornheiser incident); or 3) anything involving the musical oeuvre of "MC SpandX." Most recently, I've received numerous emails concerning that whole "bikes are a UN conspiracy" thing, which you've no doubt heard about by now, and which falls under "Cat 2:"

While some people respond to this and other "Cat 2" incidents of anti-veloism with indignity, the simple fact is that saying outrageous things about cycling is a proven way to get instant media attention, which is why people do it--celebrities "accidentally" expose their vaginas while exiting limousines for exactly the same reason. This is why I tend to ignore them, since if I'm going to pay attention to publicity gambits they should at least involve exposed genitals. In fact, I was going to ignore this one too, until I realized that Dan Maes may be partially right. The truth is, I'm beginning to suspect that there may indeed be a "cycling conspiracy" afoot (or awheel), though it doesn't involve the UN. (The UN is too busy with their involvement in the World Jewish Banking Conspiracy and with hiding those alien bodies in Roswell, NM to bother with petty municipal matters like bike-sharing.)

I submit as evidence this commercial for an expensive luxury condominium in Brooklyn, which airs often on local television:

The commercial features two characters: Vanessa, who insists on "high ceilings," "full service," and "amenities;" and Steven, who requires a "skyline view" he can admire with his expensive binoculars, a "quick commute," and a "fine aged cognac." (Presumably both of them require powerful air conditioning so that they can wear designer smocks and vests indoors.) Even if you don't live in New York City, you probably recognize people like Vanessa and Steven, who wear designer smocks and vests respectively, and who pay millions of dollars to live in converted warehouses. They are called "douchebags," and even their own terriers want to relieve themselves on their legs.

("I want to relieve myself right on his sockless ankles.")

I know what you're thinking: "What does this have to do with cycling?" Well, this commercial is only the tip of a vast "douche-spiracy" that now permeates nearly every aspect of consumerism--and cycling has become an integral part of it. Consider also a post from a site called "Thrillist" that was forwarded to me by a reader:

According to the so-called "Internet" (when discussing conspiracies it is essential to precede certain nouns with the phrase "so-called"), Thrillist is "a media and e-commerce company targeting young urban guys." This, of course, is thinly-veiled marketingspeak for the coveted demographic known as the "douche." Furthermore, it was founded by "Adam Rich, 30, and Ben Lerer, 28, former U Penn frat brothers." For those of you who are unfamiliar with the American educational system or who attended expensive adult daycare programs such as Bard College where things like fraternities, sports, grades, and pressure didn't exist, "former U Penn frat brothers" is a synonym for "douches:"

The post begins with a so-called "video," which I was unable to embed (probably due to some entirely separate media conspiracy) and which features a Bowery Lane bike called the "Unicorn." The video starts off simply enough, first explaining that the bicycle is white:

And then employing a bad pun to underscore this fact:

However, after highlighting the bicycle using captions written in ironic urban vernacular:

This image appears at :32 seconds:

What is the meaning of this juxtaposition? Perhaps it's some sort of reference I just don't get, but in the context of the contrived vernacular and the frequent repetition of the word "white" I can't help thinking it's some sort of subliminal message that only either Cornel West or Christian Lander could help me understand. Plus, the actual text of the post didn't exactly clarify things. Here is the introduction:

A hard-line philosophy can stunt growth -- just look at Mao's social-political programs, which cost China tens of millions of lives and placed the country in a hole that could only be climbed out of with...a four hour Olympic Opening Ceremony that cost the people of China even more tens of millions of dollars! Easing up their Draconian outlook without fake minorities, the crew behind Bowery Lane Bicycles, and their new Unicorn.

Not having attended a fine institute of higher learning like Bard College, I'm fully aware of my own academic limitations, so it's entirely possible I'm the only person completely confused by the whole China theme. I guess I understand the "fake minority" reference, so maybe the photo above is some sort of spoof of the Olympic opening ceremony, but I still don't know what any of this has to do with this bicycle. It also doesn't explain this line, which pops up later in the post in the context of New York City history:

Because the Dutch left when the Italians moved in, the wheels and seat adjustment’re bolted on to prevent theft...

I might be misinterpreting this, but the implication seems to be that Italians are lowly bike thieves--a notion that would make the members of the Italian-American Civil Rights League choke on their macaroni and gravy.

In any case, the only thing I'm sure about is that the post confused me, and when you don't understand something that means it's a conspiracy. As for the point of this particular "douche-spiracy," my theory is that the "Doucherati" are using the douche-tastic marketing appeal of the bicycle to galvanize "douches" all over the world, and that we will soon find ourselves under the thrall of douchedom. Our oppressors will ride designer bikes and consume artisanal everything, and the "jackbooted thugs" of this regime will be an army of "fakerjacks" and "artisanal burnouts" with great bushy beards (as forwarded by another reader):

Their weapons will be the designer axes and boutique spraypaint cans they were taught how to use at Bard:

Once the Forces of Douche have gotten everybody on bicycles, they will begin to turn our bicycles against us, at which point so-called "Hollywood" will come in and finish the job. (Hollywood is instrumental in any robust conspiracy theory.) The ultimate goal, I suspect, is to kill us all and grind us into a sort of modern-day artisanal Soilent Green-esque pâté to be served in the trendy restaurants of the super-secret City of Douche that lies beneath Williamsburg, Brooklyn. This requires mass slaughter. Thanks to the fixed-gear craze, many people are already riding around on brakeless bikes and thus primed for death, and with the upcoming feature film "Premium Rush," Hollywood is also reinforcing the popular notion that it is cool to crash. Consider this video which was probably intentionally leaked from the set:

After plowing through the rear windshield of a cab, "Premium Rush" star Joseph Gordan-Levitt declares, "This is fucking cool:"

I'm not sure why cycling is among the few human endeavors in which it is considered "cool" to screw up. Sure, everybody crashes at one time or another, but it's really nothing to gloat about, and it makes far more sense to take pride in not crashing. Gymnasts don't brag when they fall on their heads during floor routines and get a three from the Romanian judge. Pedestrians don't tell their friends, "I totally twisted my ankle stepping off that curb on the way home from the deli, it was sick." Diners don't get excited when they accidentally break a drinking glass. ("Dude, that dinner was crazy--it was like a Jewish wedding!") I wonder if Gordon-Levitt would have been similarly exuberant if he had accidentally gotten his "pants yabbies" caught in his zipper after using a public urinal.

In any case, once the world is convinced by the Forces of Douche that crashing is desirable, we will be transformed into a legion of zombies, "salmoning" to our own demise:

By the way, this is the ichthyological sub-species known as the "Fashion Salmon," identifiable by the stylish suit, impractical bag, and single-digit steering technique.

We need to come up with a good use for all those yellow wrist bands, there are millions of them about to be tossed into landfills, increasing C02, etc. I hear they make good tourniquet's for shooting up.

Did anyone read the NY Times today? A front page article is titled, "Cyclists Said to Back Claims Armstrong Doped." The article lists no new persons who claim this, nor anyone who has heard any new persons claim this. In other words, to be literally true, only two persons who have previously ridden bikes need have claimed Armstron doped. You can get more insightful reporting from an Entertainment Tonight website.

I just saw the Gordon Levitt clip on TMZ.In some way Im hoping itll raise consciousness among the brain dead wannabe celebutards that text while driving and maybee think about the bloody celebrity that went through the back of a taxi cab.Know what? who am I kidding. Im retarded, sympathy for cyclists and giving us an inch will never happen.

that thrill list post is one of the douchiest things i have ever read. one of my colleagues actually knows these dicks. It's the job of a ivy league grad to be socially irreverent and even pepper in a little "ironic" racism. ironic only because it's supposed to be funny but is really just thinly veiled elitism, which is like so last century. why don't these frat boys stick to what you know best, drinking games and date rape, and leave the humorous writing to the likes of the snob. now that i got that off my chest...

I attended Bard College. I graduated from Bard College. I have to say your mocking of this 'meh' institution is not only entirely justified, but not nearly cruel enough. The douchiness on that campus is suffocating, and it is amazing how 99% of that same douchiness winds up in some overpriced Brooklyn hovel living off of daddy's trust-fund and living a meaningless existence based purely on trend-chasing (and drug-ingestion) of some kind or another. However, the over-privileged children of Sarah Lawrence, Hampshire College, et al, should not be left of that list. They also provide much unintentional comedy and priceless inauthentic posturing on the streets of your city, no? Oh, and Bard does actually provide some sports. I played basketball one year. Our record was a fitting 1 win and 35 losses.

Speaking plainly, that Thrillist video is racist. As for the text, when it makes any sense at all it's again racist in part but also, to be fair, occasionally genuinely informative; apparently the reason I keep crashing into motor vehicles is that I don't have "swept back handlebars".

I missed yesterday's Big Dummy post :(Anyone interested in the BD should check out the Kona version. http://www.konaworld.com/bike.cfm?content=ute I believe it is a shorter wheel base and would fit better into those vertical accelerator coffins known as elevators. It's also less than half the price!

While it doesn't render the Thrillist post any more comprehensible, I believe the "Italians" line is a too-clever-by-half reference to Vittorio De Sica's cinematic classic, "The Bicycle Thief," rather than an ethnic slur.

Sadly, despite the fact that many of us work for Boeing, I don't believe a Fred uprising can succeed in quelling the coming Douchepocalypse. It's only in the movies that Freds triumph over the douche. In the real world, all the douches have MBA's and BMW's and dates. Any Fred who makes trouble is promptly out-sourced.I fear our only hope is the return of the Fredgül, the Four Recumbent Riders of the Apocalypse. I will burn a beard hair offering on my aero-bar alter and I will pray, as all Freds do, by carefully reading the entire Performance catalog and then purchasing a lime-green Bellweather sleeveless jersey.

"But a book devoted to this process strikes me as proof that the bike industry is basically starting to fellate itself in a self-referential manner that would even leave most post-modernist architects gasping in horror"

I have no vested interest in promoting that blog, but I love the wordsmithing, almost as good as your " They are called "douchebags," and even their own terriers want to relieve themselves on their legs."

I wish I had been an english major at Bard, and did not have to work for a living.

I was under the impression that unicorns only allowed virgins to ride them? That bike is certainly no "pussy magnet" ... or at least I hope so. Maybe Beautiful Godzillas are attracted to its owner? And it's Princesses who fart glitter.

Horsegate (aka Tour of the Catskills), was just down the road from here, but I was too lazy to go watch the race that day. If you see it on You-Tube look for the link to the Devil's Kitchen segment. It is one of the few videos of a climb that almost does it justice. Incredibly steep.

i went to bard. you're right to make fun of it. leon botstein is worth making fun of too. if you have a little free time you'll learn of his bow-tie fetish and the horrible thing he does with them. america's youngest college president ever, or america's top enemy?

children who were raised by helicopter parents, to have a "hive" mentality, who were bubble wrapped past puberty, now cut themselves and ride brakeless to somehow prove to themselves that they are alive. Pathetic.

I read somewhere (was it here? No, I think it was somewhere credible...) that in North Korea the regime used to restrict bicycle ownership to aid in controlling the people as they were afraid that bicycles gave the population too much mobility and independence!

I really think that you car, gun and so called freedom loving Americans need to learn from this example and open your eyes to what is really going on in the 'free world'. The car based society has been set up by the worlds secret elite (soon to be genetically and cybernetically enhanced) ruling class as a means of controlling us. Early last century these powers saw the potential for citizens to begin acquiring their own armoured and heavily weaponised tanks for personal transportation. Fearing that this potential 'people power' could one day undermine their control they actively promoted car centric infrastructure and the idea that relatively lame gun ownership provides independence and self reliance.

'They' have actually seeded the idea of this bicycle conspiracy. They want you to think that mass bicycle reliance is being pushed on you to restrict your freedom, so that you cling on to your flimsy sheet metal SUVs and feeble automatic weapons even tighter. When compared to the capability and power of the tanks and attack helicopters we might have all had there really isn't that much difference between an SUV and a fixie, or an automatic rifle and a colourful artisanal ax(e). ce

By the way, I haven't read the novel 'Ninteen Eighty-Four' but from skimming over the Wiki review I gather it is about a future mehtopia in which the citizens are dumbed down and controlled by fashion restrictions. The fashion options citizens are allowed to use to express themselves are incrementally whittled down to a very simplistic fashion 'language'. As the title suggests the only expression allowed in this future world is the fashion as it stood in 1984 and the main character Winston is instrumental in whittling this down further to a basic ensemble of tight jeans, Rayban Wayfarer sunnies, and a short list of accessories. Basically, over time descent becomes impossible because with their limited means of expressing themselves the people lose the ability to think outside the party lines. In the story the Party's official fashion ensemble is known as Ironicwear and a loyal citizen aims to become doubleplusironic. This is the sort of future we need to worry about. ce

Those condo owners are going to love to find out about the health risks that come when you live that close to a major pollution source like a highway. Asthma, child development issues, cancer. With all the noise they've got to have those places sealed up tight too.

It is refreshing to see that the ads for local businesses in NY suck almost as bad as they do out here in flyover land.

Terrier: WoofSteven: No Terrier you can have my cognacTerrier: WoofSteven: No!Terrier: WoofSteven: No! Vanessa! The terrier is being a dildo.Vanessa: Then I know a terrier that's sleeping with Mommy tonight

So, BSNYC, are the chamfeurs that surreptitously "harvest" wayward Freds at charity ride feedzones really agents of the Forces of Douche? Should we join the recumbent underground as the only resistance to these evil overlords? Need we hide our FredStrong braclets lest one of us is captured, knowing that the Douches would confine us in an upper story loft with only warm Kombucha and day old Magnolia cupcakes until we surrender? Whatever happens, I'm not eating the pate'.

damn, that picture of the thrillist team...feel sorry for the guy in the middle, i know him, and he left that company shortly after starting his gig cuz he can smell a douche bag a mile away. He couldnt stand those guys. LOL...now he's got his picture next to them like he is a good ole boy on the team...sorry mags, feel bad for ya bro!

The fashion options citizens are allowed to use to express themselves are incrementally whittled down to a very simplistic fashion language. As the title suggests the only expression allowed in this future world is the fashion as it stood in 1984 and the main character Winston is instrumental in whittling this down further to a basic ensemble of tight jeans

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!