Comments

Update on the persistent guy I wrote about earlier this week: turns out he has a (temporary) restraining order against him by a former GF. Thankfully, I have not heard from him since my stern email, so I’m hoping that’s the end of the story, but I can’t help wondering if I should be more worried. I never got a vibe from him that he could be dangerous, just persistent, needy and intense. How serious would his situation have been for a judge to grant the TRO against him? Are those handed out pretty easily, or would have had to be actually threatening?

Very sereious! Sound’s like some one I would NOT let get to close, b/c some peeople get very volitiale when you tell them later you are NOT interested in dateing them. When I was in college, there was a nerdy guy that alway’s hung out in front of my dorm room waiteing for me, and I felt sorry for him because he was so dorkey. Once I talked to him, I think he got it in his head that we belonged “together” and were dateing, even tho all I did was say hello and was freindly to him instead of brusheing him off like all my girlfreind’s did.

It got to the point that he would be stareing at me in the quad, and followeing me around to my classe’s. Fineally, I had to tell the quad coordineator that this guy was hangeing around me to much and mabye she could tell him to move on.

Well this guy got very mad and told her we were dateing (even tho we were NOT — I never even said anything to him other then hi, how are you today), so we had to go the assistant dean together and explain our story together before the assistant dean told this guy to stop hangeing around me and to move on. It was so embarassing, especialy b/c the assistant dean all of a sudden wanted to start dateing me (and he was very old — then mabye 45 or so and I was 19). I told him I could NOT go out with him even tho he KNEW I did NOT have a boyfreind, b/c he was my father’s age. I can think fast on my feet, my dad said. YAY!!!!!

I’m a worrier by nature, but if I were you I would be very proactive on this one. Let your building (home and work) know Creep isn’t welcome (full name and picture) at any time. Tell your assistant at work, not to put his calls through, etc (and track this stuff if it happens). If I’m remembering right, you said the guy doesn’t have access to this information, but you’d be shocked what you can find out via the internet.

Most importantly, it’s never ‘crazy’ to take precautions to protect yourself.

He doesn’t have my home address but he can easily find my workplace with a simple internet search. I thought about letting work know not to put him through, but then again, if he came here reception would always call me and let me know the name of the visitor.

I would definitely tell your reception desk about him and, if you can, provide a photo. Even if they “always” call when a visitor shows up, it might be helpful for them to know that someone is an unwanted visitor. I used to work at a front desk for an elected official, and we had several photos at the desk for this reason — helped keep us alert to press our panic button if anything weird started to happen.

Again, me being paranoid, but I’d never trust them to “always” call unless I said person was a problem (and then they should be calling security. People lie to get what they want (“oh surprise anniversary dinner”). Bottom line, he makes you feel uncomfortable and that in itself is reason enough to make it known you don’t want him around. If you’re worried about what work would think, consider this – one convo with the receptionist versus a big scene in your actual office.

I know people say a TRO is just a piece of paper, but if you’re concerned, it is definitely worth trying to obtain in that the violation of the order itself is enough for criminal penalties, whereas if you don’t have one and he does something, the prosecutor will have to prove the crime against you for anything to happen to him.

I’m sure this is very state and even jurisdiction specific, but in my county a short term (basically 24 hours or until a judge can hear your side of the story) emergency protection order is easy to obtain from your local magistrate if this guys shows up somewhere he has been told he is not welcome. A temporary protective order (heard by a judge without the subject of the order having to being present) lasts for 15 days and is harder, but not difficult to obtain, but probably requires some threat of violence or ruination being made by the subject of the order. A protective order (issued for 12/24/36 months) requires a hearing with the subject of the order being present and a judge usually has to find some imminent likelihood of violence against you (i.e. a threat may not be enough). HOWEVER, I was recently convinced that my stepdaughter’s mother did not have anything to warrant a protective order against her husband, but the day of the hearing she ended up with a substitute judge who was a former domestic violence prosecutor. Her husband had an attorney and she didn’t and she managed to get a 24 month order against him.

Keep track of times/dates/substance of any communication he has with you. Texts/emails/voicemails/missed phone calls/in person.

Thanks. Just to clarify – I’m not thinking of getting a TRO against him, I’m mostly just wondering what would have had to happen in his last situation that made the judge grant one (e.g., does there always need to be a threat of violence? Is it enough that a person is being annoying and won’t go away?). I think it’s a 3-month TRO. I realize it’s very dependent on the particular judge.

Depends on the jurisdiction and law, but in Illinois, a TRO is issued if the protected person fears for his or her safety and there was a recent incident that would lead a judge to believe that fear is justifiable.

I’ve been to the domestic violence a few times and have sat in on a handful of cases. For a TRO, it has to be more than just persistent phone calls. The “temporary” component means more of an emergency. Again, depends on the jurisdiction but at least here, TROs for that length are not just handed out because one person complains about someone being annoying.

I work for a nonprofit organization that deals with volunteers. I am 24. A 65 year old male volunteer just told me he had “issues with my personal style.” He did not go into details. I try to dress as nicely as I can afford to on a nonprofit salary and with student loans, and as conservatively as possible (although as a 34G there is no way to completely hide that I have a large bust, even in a suit jacket). None of my supervisors have ever told me they had issues with any of my personal style. I do not know what his issues specifically are. Should I report this higher up? Is it wrong that this makes me so deeply uncomfortable? Help.

Talk to your manager, if you trust them. “Manager, I wanted to let you know that Volunteer X expressed concerns about my clothing style. I’m not sure what he meant by that and have never heard anything like this before. Are there any issues with my clothing choices you think I should be aware of?”

Alternately.. if it’s just a cranky old man who just thinks your female presence in the world is inherently immodest – try to brush it off and ignore it.

I’m old enough to be your mother, but honestly, I think it’s cheeky of a volunteer for an organization for whom you actually work to say something like that. Is it something you could bring up with a manager in your organization to see if there’s something you’re missing? It sounds to me like it’s his issue, not yours, but you might want to do a gut check with a manager.

If the people who employ you (your supervisor/boss/non-profit) haven’t indicated an issue, and you are doing your best to dress professionally, then ignore the crotchy old volunteer. And maybe try to have another volunteer/employee around during interactions with him. If he makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t ignore that feeling just to be polite.

I suspect this was meant to say “crotchety” but I do enjoy “crotchy,” especially to describe a man who seems to be doing the “my hangup = your problem” routine in the presence of breasts. I agree with the previous commenters on your response, OP- due diligence and then move on.

I agree, this is dumb and gross. Ignore him and try to avoid him if you can. It’s none of ANY volunteer’s business how you dress anyway, it’s only your managment’s business. And if they haven’t said anything, forget about it.

Not that that is easy, I have a hard time NOT worrying about what people think of me all the time. When I realize I’m doing it, I try very hard to intentionally remind myself that I don’t care what X person thinks of me, and let it go.

Please tell a trusted manager or a supervisor or even just a more senior colleague. If this happened to a junior person in my organization, I would absolutely want to know. If it opens up a conversation about your (actually inappropriate) clothes, then you need to know that, and if (more likely) it is just him being creepy, then you don’t have to put up with that. Either way, find someone trustworthy and talk about it.

The volunteer is being completely inappropriate. You might want to report up that he’s being inappropriate, especially since this might be a sign of a deteriorating mental condition that your organization might want to watch out for.

He doesn’t like my nose piercing, which is hilarious, because about 25% of the organization has visible tattoos and piercings (we are a very young, liberal, casual place that I specifically pursued because it was the type of place where I could wear my nose stud!). I know we’ve had conversations here about nose studs at work, but trust me, this is 100% okay in my office. My manager even complimented me on it recently. So I’m just going to laugh it off. A cranky old man should not be volunteering at an organization staffed with 20-somethings if he’s going to have an issue with things like that.

Why your firm? How was workflow managed in his prior firm and how many associates did he work with there? Did he work a lot with one vs. a fair amount with many vs. no real interaction? How would he expect to interact with and/or utilize associates at this firm?

Hey ladies I’m wondering if anyone has advice about working from home. I’m currently 21 wks. Pregnant and I could potentially work from home after my maternity leave. Currently I have a 40 min. Commute which I carpool with my DH. I am fairly introverted but do have coworkers who I consider friends and talk to regularly. I’m afraid I would become a hermit if I worked from home, but it would be convenient in terms of daycare drop off (I would still need outside child care) and getting housework done during my down time (which can be significant due to the nature of my work) advice please!

Sounds like you should do half and half. Work from home Tues/Thurs, work at the office M/W/F. See how that goes for ~3-6 months after your maternity leave and reevaluate. If it’s going well, keep it. If it needs adjusting, adjust it. Maybe keep a checklist of “Tasks to stay involved in the workplace” that includes things like “Call coworker X to catch up on her weekend” so that you can have concrete tasks instead of “keep in touch!” It’s much easier for your company to decide they don’t need you if they never see you. Good luck!

Where is the rest of your team based? What sort of role do you have? Does your company have lots of offices/virtual workers?

I work at home (for the most part), but I travel frequently to other sites at which my team and/or boss are based. I also travel to client sites. We have a virtual-friendly workplace, meaning I’m one of 3 “remote” workers on my 10 person team, though between the 10 of us, we are in 3 time zones and 5 offices (so…5 offices + 3 remote workers, all time zones).

I’d say in your situation, if you think it’s going to set you back, why not try working from home 2-3 days a week? See how it goes, save on daycare/housework twice a week, and still spend a couple days in the office?

Thanks for responding! Without giving too much info, I work for a state agency and we have many work at homes throughout the state. In fact one of my coworkers is transitioning to work at home this week, and she is the one who really got me thinking about it.

Unfortunately I would not be able to split my week up, it would be all or nothing. I will be in the same town so I could potentially come to the office once a week, but it would be brief, to drop off files or pick up supplies, etc. The nature of my job makes it very work at home friendly. The majority of my work is conducted over the telephone or through email. I just don’t know how to determine whether my personality is cut out for it or not.

Also I do plan on breastfeeding, which is why she was suggesting I’d be able to do it. Currently I have an office with a door but there is no other room that would be appropriate for pumping, etc.

Since you plan on b-feeding, I hypothesize that it will make your life a million times easier/better to pump at home, even if your kiddo is at daycare. So I would say work from home at least for the amount of time you plan on b-feeding. It’s not just about having a room to pump in — there’s refrigeration and cleaning and hauling lots of parts and lots of milk involved, when you talk about pumping at work.

If you haven’t, I would recommend reading Balance is a Crock, Sleep is for the Weak. It’s about working motherhood and the section on b-feeding has me envious of women who can pump at home (no kids of my own though).

‘r e t t e s, I need your help. I can’t tell if this is pity-party, a rant, a vent, or a shake the sh*t out of me post. is this even a thing? i don’t know.

I am about 11 weeks pregnant. YAAY! we haven’t told anyone yet for a few reasons:

(1) I had a miscarriage a few months ago and it was really really awful and we’re feeling a bit more cautious about this one, because, well, how could you not.
(2) my mother was recently diagnosed with cancer and it hasn’t yet felt like the right time to take the attention from her needs. we were waiting for a “good time” when she could use some good news (and after the 12 week mark because, see (1)).
(3) my sister recently dropped a couple of bombs on the family including that she and her deadbeat partner of many years are going to try to have a baby, and that she’s gone off her anxiety meds cold turkey (resulting in a terribly moody detox week the same week my mother was having surgery). I was planning on waiting until her detox/mood stabilized so that I could talk to her about my concerns with her decision to have a baby, not the least of which is that her deadbeat partner hasn’t had a job in two years, is on and off the wagon (alcoholism), and they have a terrible relationship that both have been very vocal about over the last several years and as recently as 6 months ago. I certainly didn’t want to announce my own pregnancy at the same time as I was encouraging her to reconsider her decision.

But yesterday she called to tell me she’s 7 weeks pregnant– as in, we are only a few weeks apart. My first thought was, well, ship (3) has sailed. She started talking about wanting to squeeze in a wedding the weekend before my mother starts chemo so that they can be married before the baby is born and before she’s too big and pregnant. She’s talking wedding, people, not courthouse. I had a slow conversation with her about how marriage and pregnancy are independent decisions that should be considered carefully and fully, and not just lumped together for convenience or some antiquated notion of decency and the order of operations (leaving aside the obvious irony of the situation). She’s open to this conversation and I will continue to have it with her, as will my mom and dad, who are none too happy about these new developments. Obviously supporting my sister is my number one priority, but now I’m kinda like, SH1T! now what do I do about my announcement? Part of this is a wind-out-of-the-sails kind of feeling, but the other of it is… i don’t know, a decorum thing? How do I be sensitive to my sister’s needs, my mother’s needs (and now worry vis a vis my sister), while at the same time celebrating what is a long-awaited happy happy news for us?

This sucks and is awesome all at once. Unless you’re trying to be, you shouldn’t feel obligated to be your sister’s parent. She’s already pregnant, as you said, and all you can do is control (and take care of!) yourself (and your itty bitty baby). I don’t have anything else intelligent, so good luck with everything and congratulations!

+1 to goldribbons. Also, I would just stick to your schedule-announce at 12 weeks or 12 weeks plus, depending on your preference. Mom might be understandably caught up in her own circumstances, and ditto for sis, but there are always going to be those type of situations. It sounds like your family may not be as immediately excited and focused as you had hoped, but hubby’s family will probably be thrilled as will your friends, and in time, even your own family will likely focus more and be super excited for you. Overall, my feeling was that it was such a huge and special event for hubby and me, so if my distant and never that supportive mom wasn’t thrilled, it wasn’t too great a loss. Congratulations!

Why is supporting your grown sister your number one priority? I’d rank her about 9th? I understand wanting to wait until the 12th week, but really tell your mom whenever you want. Life continues even in the face of sickness, and yours is doing so in a happy way. Great. As for sis, tell her you think throwing together a wedding will be a big job, and neither you or your mom will have time to help. And then congratulate her- she’s pregnant and getting married. Those are adult choices that deserve an adult response. Even if they’re very very bad choices.

It will work itself out. A very similar thing (minus mom being sick) happened with us. We announced we were expecting, a sibling announced an unplanned pregnancy (and subsequent wedding) around the same time. And guess what, now that we are on the other side of it, things are fine, everyone is still together, and there is plenty of love for the grands. It’s okay to feel a little bit upstaged here by the drama. That feeling goes away too with time. Just focus on growing your little family. Congrats.

Did you tell your sister her news when she told you hers? It sounds like you didn’t. I would wait another week or two, especially until you feel a bit more out of the first trimester woods, and then find a nice time to tell your mom. She will be happy. I would find a time to separately tell your sister, and mention up front that you didn’t mention it during her news because miscarriage, bla, bla. Life is messy. And your family’s life is going to be very messy over the next few months. You won’t get the chance to make the big ta-da- announcement you may have hoped for, but it is happy news nonetheless and your family should see that. Let your sister make her decisions, with your love and support, and do your best to stay calm in what will surely be trying times. Enjoy your pregnancy and then your sweet baby. It has taken me 17 months to realize that my family is now my hubby and my baby, and I don’t have to be quite so caught up in my siblings/parents’ orbit.

I love these shoes. Not so much the glitter part, but the heel height, the pointy toe, the colors. It’s beautiful. I am on a shoe-buying ban and they are a bit pricey. (I have an otherwise serious shoe addiction problem.)

Just need to vent for a second: About a year ago, my husband and I moved back to my home area. We live about twenty minutes away from my mom, who is a former/semi-retired exec.

My mom just called because “she is frustrated and doesn’t know how to communicate with [my husband].” She complained that she had texted him on Monday, and didn’t get a response until she called him later Monday or Tuesday. (FYI: The text was along the lines of “Hey, Do you know where the coffee filters are.” So not a huge deal, at least I thought.) She said that this has happened in the past and is very frustrated.

I am so close to crying because: 1) I’m very pregnant and seriously do not need this drama right now; 2) I feel like her expectations for communication are a bit off (she is setting her expectations as though we are her employees and requiring a less than 12 hour response); 3) she doesn’t know (and I don’t want to disclose) that my husband has just this week decided to go cold turkey with quiting nicotine. Ugh. I feel like I need to tell her to back-off, and I want to protect my husband a bit right now, but if I try, I know that I will end up a big, heaping, sobbing mess (see #1).

Doesn’t matter that he’s quitting nicotine. Unless he snuck into her home and hid her coffee filters, this is not his problem. “mom really? Coffee filters? He probably didn’t respond right away because it’s not that important to him. You cam handle this on your own”

Well my first reaction was to cut your mom out of your life for a week or two, and have your DH do the same, to get some mental peace and quiet but that isn’t a very adult reaction. Can you ask DH to remind her that (1) you’re very pregnant right now and (2) the two of you are not her employees? Does your mom need friends? Is there something else going on or is this par for the course? You might also want to discuss (if you haven’t already) expectations post-baby. Is she going to treat you like an employee and tell you how to raise HER grandchild? Because if so, that sounds miserable. Hugs, tea, chocolate, Calvin & Hobbes comics, and you’ll get through this! Good luck!

Has she always been like this? If not, is she worried that she’s going to be ignored once the baby arrives? What’s her relationship with your husband been in the past? I’m guessing this really isn’t about coffee filters (still not sure why she’s asking your husband about coffee filters if you guys don’t all live in the same house). What about saying that you guys are busy/tired getting ready for the baby and will respond to her within [whatever seems reasonable to you — 24 hrs?] but need some space otherwise. If you really don’t want to get into an emotional argument, would putting this in email work?

No advice for you but I feel you’re pain. MIL has been more chatty with the texts/phone calls directly to me since I got pregnant when previously all communication went through my DH. She has not been demanding rapid responses yet, but I fear what will happens once baby is here.

You know, this is a good place to vent, so I totally get that and it sucks that you have to deal with that and you’ve come to the right place to let off some steam. But the bottom line is that while you can’t change other people, you can change your reactions to them. If I were you – and I get that I don’t know your life or your history with this, so I am going on info provided in your post only – I would call your mom (or text if that’s easier) and say something like, “Mom, I am super pregnant right now and I really can’t deal with your coffee filters and I don’t think my husband should either. We both love you but you have to relax” and that is it. After that, I would put it entirely out of my mind. No crying and no being upset! People will only do to us what we let them get away with. Your mom doesn’t sound like a monster. Maybe a cranky retiree, but you can deal with that by setting some firm boundries and laughing the rest off. I hope you feel better.

It’s okay. I’m also very pregnant and the dumbest things are setting me off. I am normally a tough pregnant lady, but something about this particular ninth month of pregnancy is making me feel like a delicate flower. If you want to cocoon and protect yourself and your husband, go for it. Get a little weepy, watch a movie, get a pedicure. Be gentle to yourself. Your mom is being ridiculous, but I suspect that this too shall pass, and if it doesn’t, you can fight that battle another day. Right now, just take care of yourself.

Aww, thanks for checking in. We’re just in the early stages of an IVF cycle (i.e., I have not had to inject myself with anything yet). I just got some news that suggests my job might not be as stable as we’d hoped, so we’re now weighing whether to just do egg retrieval and wait for implantation until I get a new job. Which we really don’t want to do, but on the other hand, not sure about job hunting while pregnant.

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope that everything goes smoothly, no matter how you choose to continue. (I hope your job news isn’t a result of the biglaw layoffs that are rearing their ugly head.) Hugs and good luck! And lots of wine, while you can!

“I’m very glad I didn’t have to drive 13 hours to buy these shoes, and then return again the next day after the 24 hour waiting period. The transvaginal ultrasound would have been rather uncomfortable, and hearing how some politicians and priests think they cause cancer would have been awkward. I’m relieved Wendy, Texas’ Democratic Senators and the people of Texas screaming at the top of their lungs bought us a few more weeks.”

“The next time you have to spend 13 hours on your feet without food, water or bathroom breaks, this is the shoe for you. Guaranteed to outrun patriarchy on race day.”

Hive, I’m having an off day. I think it started about 3 weeks ago when I had to go visit in-laws for the weekend. It felt like not having a day off for 2 weeks! Last weekend was ok, but I’m still having rough patches in my never ending quest to close our renovation loan. Long story short – underwriters are idiots. They were misinterpreting a HUD rule and I had to get the west coast regional director involved. That’s solved, but it is still dragging on.

Add to that the stress of getting my husband to turn over the last pieces of his corporate books to the bookkeeper, and I’m just BLAH. Add to THAT getting my horse fit and ready to sell, and knowing that it is just a matter of time to when I will be putting her a trailer…there is just too much stuff going on! At least the job is still wonderful. I actually had a few friends drop by my office to pick me up to walk to dinner nearby, and they were so impressed with the space it made me realize (again) how lucky I am!!

Now if I could just get my horse sold, my house built, and my debt paid off I could move on with my life! (That sounds like the beginning of a country song)

yeah…I did…I’m sure we’ll find her someone amazing, she’s only 5 1/2 and anyone can sit on her and jump her around, so she would even be good for someone just looking for a move up horse to do the 3′ with and grow from there.

I’ll take a year off an pay off all of my debt and come back. My husband pointed out to me that, just by paying off all that debt and taking a year off, I would not only have enough cash saved up for another horse in a year, when I DO get one, the board wouldn’t be such a strain.

I just bought these at my local Saks (black patent, 3 1/4 in heel) on super sale. And they are still available online: http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306418098&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446551505&R=8056733875523&P_name=Miu+Miu&N=1853+306418098&bmUID=j_jJm1z