These transcripts were originally posted at the website 'Pure Pilot', which has disappeared from the internet. All credit for the creation of the transcripts needs to go to Pure Pilot. This archive of someone else's labors has been created in an effort to safeguard the Farscape community's past, as well as to provide a much-appreciated resource for authors. Many thanks to the creators of Pure Pilot in absentia for their hard work and attention to detail.

Episode Summary
"Crackers Don't Matter" finds the crew of Moya just back from a hasty food shopping foray- they only had time to grab a lot of crackers AND - a guest. For Scorpius is breathing down their necks and since Talyn fried the defense shield in MTB speed is their only friend - till now. It seems heir visitor, T'raltixx, has what on another sci fi TV show would be called a cloaking device to sell. But to get it, they must travel to his homeworld and to get there they must pass through a field of pulsar stars. No trubba right? WRONG!

T'raltixx warns them that the light of the stars may trigger irrational behavior in "lesser species." Of course no-one's going to admit to being affected by something like that. And so the crew is soon at each others throats. There's assault, sexual harassment, verbal abuse, attempted murder, mutiny, theft, racism, reckless endangerment, paranoia - I mean more so than usual. Even Pilot shows an alarmingly dark side - and that's the tip-off for John that the problem here is not the pulsar light - which Pilot cannot see - but their visitor himself.

And indeed T'raltixx uses the crew's dysfunction to basically blossom into a megalomaniacal... maniac . It seems all he needs to develop murderous power is light created from the bioluminescence of a Leviathan. So he apparently uses his hypnotic effect upon the crew to create discord among them and while they fight, to get Pilot's cooperation in altering Moya to glow with light.

Now John, having the least acute senses of anyone aboard Moya, is thus somewhat less affected by T'raltixx’ss aura and so ironically becomes the one who goes into final battle with him and kills him.

They're all ashamed of themselves as they travel on - but their newfound sense of togetherness shows in their regret for the things they said and did while under the influence of T’raltixx. But only John seems to suffer a lasting effect - in the form of a recurrent hallucination of Scorpius...

TRANSCRIPTThe episode opens with D'Argo and John walking down a corridor aboard Moya. D'Argo is telling John about a trading expedition he and the others have just returned from - and a guest they've brought along...

D'Argo: His name is T'raltixx.

John: (not thrilled) And you brought him on board.

D'Argo: He said he could adjust Moya's electromagnetics so that no one would be able to trace us.

John: (skeptical) Oh, great. So he's like one of those mechanics on 60 Minutes who says he's gonna help and then he screws us.

D'Argo: Crichton, we have to do something. Scorpius has left wanted beacons for us all over the commerce planet. (John sighs wearily as they arrive at the transport bay where the others are unpacking the groceries and talking to their visitor)

John: (to Chiana who's pushing a dolly stacked with containers piled up as tall as herself) What'd you buy?

Chiana: Dried food rectangles.

John: That's it?

Chiana: (as she takes a bite of one) That's it. A thousand units of 'em.

John: (incredulous) Crackers? You just bought crackers?

Chiana: Don't start! I told them to buy something else, and - (she's choking a bit on the extreme dryness of the crackers) - and they didn't listen to me. Excuse please! (she hurriedly pushes past him, presumably to make a dash for water)

Aeryn: (she's munching crackers as she unceremoniously plops a device down that she brought back with her) This is why we only had time to get crackers.

John: That's a wanted beacon.

Aeryn: I saw 10 of them in the market in the city. We had to get off the planet and straightaway here in case anyone figured out who we were.

John: Well, it does make a beautiful souvenir Aeryn.

Aeryn: (tinkering with it) I'm trying to find a trace signal to Scorpius’s location on it, and that way, we can go the opposite direction.

Zhaan: (calling to them from a short distance away) T'raltixx is ready.

John: (dryly - and not because of the crackers) Wonderful. Wouldn't want to use your Prowler, would we?

Aeryn: Well, no thanks to you, the module has Moya modifications on it, so we can monitor and verify the results.

T'raltixx: (there's something... icky about him, He is slight of build, humanoid in shape. He wears robes that conceal his body. His head is odd enough though. He has long pointy ears and a long pointy chin. Stiff bristles, or antennae protrude randomly from his head and his ears are covered by short stiff hairs, He's wearing something that looks like a nasal cannula for oxygen. His cranium is huge and has what looks like a tiny bellows implanted on top hat rhythmically expands and contracts. He also appears to be blind. Skin has completely grown over the twin bumps where his eyeballs would normally be. His manner is that of a gentle intellectual, hesitant at times as he speaks with the crew, as if he's unsure how he is being received) The central device that I'd make for Moya will be much larger of course. But it works on the same principle. It programs itself on the inverse of the power drive. I'll need someone to start the module, please.

John: (muttering) Yeah, of course you will. (he leaves Aeryn's side and steps towards T'raltixx as he says aggressively-) You know, I once bought a set of knives from this guy on TV. Cat swore to me that-that they could-they could cut through bone, metal, shoes - Hell, he could cut through my damn car and still dice tomatoes! You know what? He was lying.

T'raltixx: (as Zhaan pulls him aside, he says to John-) Excuse me! Be sure to turn the power drive on for just 10 microts. 10 exactly! More than that and the central device will overheat and explode.

John: (as Aeryn stuffs her mouth with crackers and laughs) Just gets better and better all the time, doesn't it guys? (he swings into the module's cockpit and starts it-) 1 - (as he counts, the module begins to blur starting at the rear. The blur intensifies and the module becomes invisible as the blur line moves forward) 6 - 7 - 8 -10. (just as the blur line gets to the back of his head, the test is over and he powers down the module's engines. It becomes completely visible again)

Zhaan: (gasping in amazement) Oh, by the Goddess! It worked!

John: See? Nothing happened. (the others laugh happily and Zhaan lays her hand on T'raltixx’s arm. John eyes them) What? What are you all looking at?

(later- cut to Pilot's Den. John is there, both to commiserate with and convince the Great Navigator on the cons and pros of doing business with T'raltixx)

John: No. I don't like it either. But he did it. The module disappeared. I disappeared.

Pilot: How is your module?

John: Checked out fine. I checked out fine.

Pilot: (with unusual bluntness) While vaguely concerned about you, I am much more interested in how this will affect Moya.

John: Look, T'raltixx’s device may be the only way past the bounty hunters that Scorpius is gonna to send after us.

Pilot: (balky) That may be, but I don't think it's wise to go to the transformation yards on this planet.

John: He says he can't build the device out here. It's too big.

Pilot: (eying John) Do you trust him?

John: (dismissive) Have you seen him? He's blind. He's got a big head, but he's blind. Barring the Yoda factor, if he gives us any trouble we lock him up.

Pilot: (persistent) But do you trust him?

John: (impatient) Hell - no! I don't trust him. Do I look stupid to you? (Pilot cocks his head ever so slightly and a DRD squawks) No, please - Don't answer that question - Pilot, you do the long-range scan on the planet. We send Aeryn out in the Prowler to check it out. We're going to play this thing safe. I think it's worth the risk.

Pilot: (with a reluctant sigh) Changing course now.

(cut to a view of Moya entering a region of space dominated by 5 large pulsar stars packed close to each other. Cut to her Command where D'Argo, John, Rygel, Zhaan and T'raltixx watch)

T'raltixx: My planet is one solar days travel beyond the 5 pulsars.

Zhaan: They're beautiful.

T'raltixx: Yes. But I should warn you -

John: (sotto voce) Oop! Here it comes...

T'raltixx: It's - er - Don't worry, it's nothing, really. But as we travel through the pulsar light, occasionally it affects - (he puts his gloved hand to his mouth as though embarrassed to say such a thing) - lesser species.

T'raltixx: That's it. The effects are minor and temporary. (there's a long anxious pause as the light shimmers over their faces)

John: Anybody feel anything?

D'Argo: Nope.

Rygel: No.

Zhaan: I do. (Rygel grunts) Oh, I feel good. The light.

D'Argo & John: (with a groan in unison) Oooh, great!

(later - cut to John and T'raltixx. John is showing their guest to quarters for the trip - and being a little obnoxious. As he walks in front of T'raltixx, he has two fingers raised in front of the little alien's face, testing him)

T'raltixx: 2 fingers.

John: Thought you were blind.

T'raltixx: I am, but my other faculties have compensated. I, I developed an internal radar of sorts. I may never be able to read a database, but I can sense motion and avoid most DRDs. (he steps delicately over one in his path)

John: (he catches sight of Chiana alone in the center chamber, where meals are eaten. She has several packages of crackers in front of her. John says to T'raltixx-) Hang on a second- Pip! Whatcha doing? (he goes to her)

Chiana: Oh, I'm having sex with 3 Hynerian donkeys. What does it look like?

John: How come you weren't up in Command? Didn't you want to see the pulsar light?

Chiana: I've seen everything the universe has Crichton. Don't worry. I was listening. The light won't affect me.

John: (annoyed) Are you saving some?

Chiana: What?

John: Crackers. What you're stuffing in your face. Are you saving some for the rest of us?

Chiana: (with her mouth full) Oh, well there's plenty more.

John: Right. (he exits, passing D'Argo who's just coming in. They eye each other but say nothing. D'Argo pauses to watch John leave before turning to Chiana)

Rygel: (in a demanding tone as they pass by his quarters ) What are you doing?

John: Finding T'raltixx a place to bunk.

Rygel: Well he's not coming in here!

John: He wouldn't want to go in there, cranky. All his senses are heightened. Including his nose. You might kill him without intending to. (Rygel growls as John starts to leave - but then turns back - just to torment Rygel and stir up trouble-) Oh, but, you know, you might want to get back to the center chamber.

Rygel: Why?

John: No reason. Just, uh - (whispering) - Chiana's eating all the food. (he turns back to T'raltixx and says as they continue on-) That guy eats and craps his body weight twice a day.

T'raltixx: (following John) I see. Hm. Yes.

(cut back to Aeryn who is still working on the wanted beacon. A hologram of Scorpius materializes from it and speaks, the audio is scratchy and skips-)

Scorpius: ...reward for the capture of John Crichton. Reward for the capture of John Crichton... John Crichton... John- (Zhaan enters in time to see Aeryn thump the beacon with her fist a couple times and the recording cuts off)

Zhaan: (mildly accusatory) What have you done?

Aeryn: I haven't done anything. There's obviously a burn glitch in the transmission and I'm just trying to see if there's anymore data on it.

Zhaan: (demanding) Like what?

Aeryn: (irritated) Like, uh - I don't know. Like why don't you leave me alone and go and sit in the sun?

Zhaan: (there's a long pause as Zhaan slowly paces towards Aeryn, her arms folded) You wouldn't tell me, would you?

Aeryn: Tell you what?

Zhaan: (leaning towards Aeryn) If there was another message on there - say - a personal message from Scorpius offering you a pardon for turning us in?

Aeryn: (snapping) Do you have to be so frelling annoying? I'm trying to work, here.

John: (via comm) Zhaan, where are you?

Zhaan: I'm up in the maintenance bay, John, about to have a fight with Aeryn. (Aeryn snorts dismissively but doesn't look up from her work )

John: (cut to him standing in front of a cell somewhere on Moya as T'raltixx inspects it) Don't do that. Remember what T'raltixx said about the pulsar light?

Zhaan: (smiling) That's right. He said that it - it affected lesser species. (looking pointedly at Aeryn) That might explain her behavior. (she turns away from Aeryn who ignores her)

John: Then get down here. It's your turn to baby-sit T'raltixx. You brought his fussy ass on board and he's driving me nuts.

Zhaan: Are you sure you're all right John?

John: I'm fine. Just get your big, blue butt down here.

(cut to D'Argo, breathing loudly as he walks down one of Moya's dim, sinuous corridors. He stops as he hears the sound of Rygel muttering and detours to find the Hynerian sitting in the center chamber with a stack of crackers in front of him)

D'Argo: What are you doing?

Rygel: (mildly) Hm? Nothing. I-I'm just-

D'Argo: (furious)WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (Rygel is speechless with fear as D'Argo strides into the room, seizes him and flips him onto the table)

Rygel: (stammering) Crichton-Crichton said Chiana was stealing food!

D'Argo: Oh! So you decided to get here first?

Rygel: The little malik will eat anything that's not maggot-covered!

D'Argo: (dangerously) Obviously so will you. Heh. (Rygel whimpers) Chiana told me that you would start to rob from us.

Rygel: But I'm not! It's that bitch!it's Chiana! She-

D'Argo: (cutting him off) SHE'S NOT THE ONE EATING HERE! (softly and deadly-) But if you want your crackers so badly, I'll give Your Eminence crackers. (he forces Rygel onto his back)You wanted crackers? GAR! (he holds Rygel down with one hand and with the other begins stuffing huge handfuls of crackers down his throat as the Hynerian chokes and struggles) WE'VE GOT PLENTY! YOU SEE? NOW EAT! YOU'VE GOT THREE STOMACHS! ONE OF THEM MUST BE EMPTY! EAT THEM! (finally he pauses in his violent assault to look down at Rygel who's terrified and weakly moving one hand over his clogged mouth and throat, trying to beg D'Argo to stop. D'Argo turns on his heel and storms from the room)

(cut to T'raltixx and Zhaan. Zhaan is being a bad "baby-sitter". She is laying near a window through which pulsar light is flowing, and stretching and moaning as T'raltixx watches, then calls Pilot via comm-)

T'raltixx: Pilot?

Pilot: Yes?

T'raltixx: I think there's something wrong with Zhaan. She seems to be in some kind of trance.

Pilot: Is she - smiling?

T'raltixx: Yes, I think so.

Pilot: (cut to him in his Den) She's probably just enjoying the pulsar light. She's a plant. Put her in the light, watch her smile.

T'raltixx: May I ask you one more thing?

Pilot: (slowly) Yeees?

T'raltixx: Crichton and the rest on Moya - do you like them?

Pilot: (thoughtfully) You know... I don't think I do like them.

T'raltixx: I thought as much.

(later - cut to John walking in a corridor, calling to Pilot)

John: Pilot? Pilot?

Pilot: (cool) Yes?

John: Where are you? We've been comming you for half an arn. Why didn't you pick up?

Pilot: (passive-aggressive) I didn't hear. There must be something wrong with your signal.

John: (he mutters irritably to himself before demanding-) Have you noticed anything different around here, shell-head? In case you haven't, let me be the first to inform you that people are starting to act a little strange. Why don't you run a spectrum analysis to see what's in the light to cause this.

Pilot: ((in a tone that suggests he'd like to run one up John's nose) I'll run a scan.

John: (sarcastically, with a prissy accent to emphasize his annoyance) Thank you - so much.(in his Den, Pilot's lip twitches and he snorts dangerously. Meanwhile John approaches the maintenance bay - Aeryn and Chiana are there - squabbling as he enters. Aeryn is still fiddling with the wanted beacon)

Chiana: (pestering) Aeryn! Just give me a look.

Aeryn: (controlling) Will you stop it?

Chiana: (angry) What are you hiding? C'MON! Let me see it! If there's nothing ON there then show me the whole message!

John: (to D'Argo, but without taking his eyes off Chiana he sneers-) Go back to your mountain, Grizzly. You're not wanted here.

Chiana: (talking to D'Argo but in John's face) They're up to something. They are! They're working together! First of all they DON'T want me to watch the beacon and NOW they WANT me to watch the beacon.

John: (leaning back contemptuously) Oh, yeah. I could give a squirrel's nut what you watch. (he makes a provocatively condescending move to touch her, she yowls with rage and slaps his hand away)

D'Argo: (clapping a hand on John's shoulder and pulling him away from Chiana) Why won't you show her what's on the beacon?

John: (jerking away from D'Argo) Get your hands OFF OF ME! (D'Argo lets John have it with a left hook to the jaw)

Aeryn: (powering furiously up to D'Argo) OHHOHOHO! I DON'T THINK SO!

John: (bouncing back up to get between the two of them) AERYN! D'Argo! What the hell are we doing? Lookit - we're fighting over LOUSY CRACKERS AND SECRET MESSAGES THAT DON'T EXIST! You know, we were never normal, guys- Someone wanna tell me what's happening?

D'Argo: (after a moment he turns away-) Sorry John.

John: That's all right, champ. Just as soon as we get past the pulsars, everything will go back to - normal. (Chiana backs off too and goes to stand with D'Argo)

Aeryn: (she remains standing by John as she says quickly-) I hope so. And Chiana - feel free to take a look or not to take a look. I-I really don't care. (she smiles insincerely)

John: (his grin fades as he mutters to himself-) Oh, yeah. You're REAL good. (louder) Pilot? PILOT! (he grunts with the kind of menacing insanity that Jack Nicholson did so well in "The Shining") Ohho- don't make me come up there! PIL-OT!

He exits and the only one left in the room is T'raltixx, who has been watching them from the ceiling where he clings, upside-down like a fly to one of Moya's support struts. A DRD, also on the ceiling roils up to him squawking inquisitively. T'raltixx turns his head towards it and suddenly a line of lights that run from where his eyes should have been up along his temple begin to glow. He emits from those eyespots a bolt of light that hits the DRD, killing it. It drops to the maintenance bay floor and T'raltixx scuttles off across the ceiling.

(cut back to Zhaan - still sunning herself . T'raltixx has rejoined her and John has come to confront him)

John: (querulous) A little. You said "a little." You said the pulsars might affect judgment "a little." I'd say that this is a little more than "a little."

T'raltixx: I-I think it must be my blindness. No one's sure why, but the light disturbs optic neurons and triggers distrust. I have no neurons - thus no distrust.

Zhaan: (exceedingly mellow) Just enjoy it, John. Enjoy it.

John: Yeahyeahyeah. Have another one blue girl. (Zhaan giggles as John says to T'raltixx-) Ionic radiation gives her photogasms. Unless she's faking it - they can do that y'know. (he yells to Zhaan without taking his eyes from T'raltixx-) Hey, Zhaan! You faking it?

Zhaan: (giggling as she waves her hands like she's directing an orchestra) Nooo... Oh no no...

T'raltixx: Well perhaps we should turn back. My device is not worth risking any of you.

Zhaan: (momentarily vehement before sliding back into woo-woo land) Shut up! We are not turning back! I want Moya to stay right here and go 'round in circles...

John: There's no point, is there, in turning back? We're already halfway through the pulsar field.

T'raltixx: So the effects should start diminishing soon.

John: One would hope so. They'd better.

(cut to Aeryn pacing slowly down a corridor. She's carrying a pulse gun and swinging her head slowly back and forth as if looking - or listening for something. She stops)

Aeryn: (in a loud whisper) Rygel, I know you're down here. (a fearful whimper is heard and Aeryn zeroes in on it, She kicks a grating out and pounces on Rygel who is hiding in the crawlspace behind it)

Rygel: (terrified, he cries pitifully-) AAAAH!AAHH! Let go of me! Did D'Argo send you to finish the job?

Aeryn: (still whispering urgently) Be quiet! I'm not going to hurt you- Yet. I don't want anybody to hear us, so shut up! Now, I don't like you Rygel. I think you're a coward and a zannet and maybe that's why I can trust you. You'd be too much of a coward to betray me.

Rygel: (ingratiatingly) I trust you, too, Aeryn.

Aeryn: Shut up! Now I've got a plan and I need somebody to watch my back against the others. (she outs the muzzle of her gun to Rygel and flicks off the safety) Do you want to volunteer?

(cut to Chiana and D'Argo conferring together in another of Moya's corridors)

D'Argo: Zhaan! (she turns around and he strikes her with his whiplike tongue. She goes down like a sack of alfalfa seed. Chiana re-enters and D'Argo says to her as they eye Zhaan's prone form-) She's definitely working with Crichton.

Chiana: Definitely!

(cut to Pilot's Den. John has come to see the
Great Navigator to discuss the issue of the spectrum scans - but is finding Pilot to be uncommonly lippy... )

Pilot: (obviously well into a merciless assessment of the human race...) I'm only judging on my experience with you - but I've never seen such a deficient species.

John: (struggling to keep his cool as he leans on the Console and stares at Pilot) Have you run a scan on the pulsar light yet?

Pilot: (ignoring the question as he stares back at John with the kind of look a scientist might have for an interesting - if revolting - specimen) How do humans make it through a cycle - even half a cycle -- without killing each other?

John: (he's starting to fray at the edges) We find it difficulthaveyourunthescan?

Pilot: (musing) You have no special abilities. You're not particularly smart, can hardly smell, can barely see, and you're not even vaguely physically or spiritually imposing. Is there anything you do well?

John: Watch football. Have you run the scan?

Pilot: Nobody trusts you Crichton. Do you know that? Sometimes they pity you because of your incompetence or you amuse them-

John: (that's it. He shakes his head and begins talking over Pilot as he climbs over the Console) Mama always said - you want something done, you DO it yourself.

John: (pushing back at Pilot's claws) -Moya would dump your ass in a heartbeat if she had a choice-

Pilot: Enough! (and with that - as John has a hand on each of Pilot's front claws - there is a flash of light, like an electrical charge, that throws him several yards from Pilot and the Console. In the sudden silence that follows as John rolls over, his head cleared by the unexpected attack, Pilot waves a claw at him and says-) I warned you!

John: (gets to his feet and stares at Pilot) Pilot, what the hell's happened to you?

Pilot: (firmly) Nothing's happening to me.

John: Can you see the light?

Pilot: What are you talking about?

John: The pulsar light. Does it physically come in here?

Pilot: No. My readings of it are registered on Moya's database.

John: (with rising concern) So - you can't actually see the light. So WHY are you being affected by it?

Pilot: (vehemently) I'm not!Now get out!

John: (staring at Pilot as he tries to think it though) I'VE BEEN IN THE LIGHT - ZHAAN'S BEEN IN THE LIGHT. But - (he points at Pilot for a moment - then snaps his fingers)

(shortly after - cut to John striding down a corridor towards the cargo bay where Aeryn and Rygel are working)

John: Hey guys! I think I'm onto something. (but as he nears them Aeryn whirls on him - her gun drawn and trained on him)

Aeryn: (cutting him off) People have been stealing food, so we're only going to take what we-

John: (cutting her off as he starts to lose it) I don't - CARE - about crackers!

Rygel: We do! We want-

John: (explosively) FOOD! Is that what this is all about? Is that it? (there's a pause as he takes on that weirdly insane look again and he continues in a low, menacing tone-) Okay. Then where's my ice cream?

Aeryn: (giving John a strange look as he tries to shock them back into rationality) What?

John: (demanding) Where's my ice cream?

Rygel: (patronizing) Savage. I know almost every food in the galaxy-

John: (roaring) WHERE'S MY DAMN ICE CREAM!?

Rygel: (haughty - in a tome that suggests if he hasn't heard of it can't be worth eating) I have no idea what "eyes is green" is.

John: (hissing) Is that it Sparky? Gonna take the road well-traveled? Gonna play dumb? (he starts to sing) I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! (he stops abruptly and says in a maniacal rush of words-) Baskin RobbinsBenandJerry'sGood Humor- What's your favorite? Creamsicle or fudgesicle? (he turns and runs out of the cargo bay as Aeryn stares quizzically after him)

(cut to a view of Moya moving through dark space. Then cut to Pilot in his Den. The scene shifts between him and T'raltixx, who is somewhere deep within Moya, as they speak via comm)

Pilot: (demanding and sounding irritable) T'raltixx. Where are my DRDs? There are none up here.

T'raltixx: I'm sorry, Pilot. I should have told you. I need their help.

Pilot: For what?

T'raltixx: (sounding a bit maniacal himself) For the darkness. It hurts my eyes and makes me blind. I need to make light, Pilot. Bright light!

Pilot: (in a tone somewhere between curiosity and suspicion) What are you doing in there?

T'raltixx: I suspected that. I can help you, Pilot. If you help me, I think I may have a proposition for that you will find agreeable.

Pilot: (staring ruminatively into space) Go on.

(cut to the docking bay where D'Argo is sitting on John's module as Chiana works. Zhaan is sitting slumped over on the floor, unconscious)

D'Argo: (bossy) Hurry up! You're not moving fast enough!

Chiana: (annoyed) So why don't you get off your FAT ASS and help me? (John quietly enters the bay, listening to this exchange before speaking)

John: Did you kill Zhaan? (Chiana and D'Argo turn to face him)

D'Argo: (chuckling) No. No, she was walking around all zapped out, so I, uh- (he makes a snapping whoosh sound to indicate his tongue-lash and laughs a little before saying in a sly tone-) Now, she was reporting back to you, wasn't she?

John: (as Chiana grins at him and ducks under D'Argo's arm to come up in a casual embrace with the Luxan) Gilligan and Mary Ann. Maybe you're Ginger - I'd have to, uh, see you in a Wonderbra to know. (they didn't have Wonderbras in the 1960's John - women had to make do with ol' Playtex slings and foam rubber push-up pads or Kleenix back then) Where are you guys takin' the Minnow? (and besides that - Ginger wore a torpedo-bra)

Chiana: (cutely sassy) We're just getting off Moya.

John: (cool as the other two look on like a couple of fools) In my module? I don't think so. (he displays a bit of circuitry that he has looped over his little finger) Afraid it needs this to fly. And I've disabled the hangar doors. So no one's getting off the boat. (he rolls out of the docking bay as Chiana and D'Argo gaze stupidly after him)

Chiana: He didn't care about Zhaan.

D'Argo: (dully) What?

Chiana: (she extricates herself from under D'Argo's arm) Ah - D'Argo. He, um - he just left her here.

D'Argo: Yeah.

Chiana: You said - you said she was working for him.

D'Argo: She was, she, um-

Chiana: Oh she was? STAY BACK!

D'Argo: CHIANA! I-

Chiana: (she hops down from the module) No, you stay back. (she flounces out, leaving D'Argo alone, perched on the useless module and trying to work out what went wrong)

D'Argo: Um...

(cut to the Command. Aeryn is creating a blockade of the entrance as Rygel looks on)

Aeryn: I'm not planning on stealing your food, Rygel.

Rygel: I know that.

Aeryn: (bossy) Well, then, stay alert while I do this. We need some bargaining power in this-

Aeryn: (calling after him) Next time you'll be a crouton, Crichton. (Rygel laughs at her word play. cut to John in the corridor)

John: (hissing via comm) Pilot! Pilot!

Pilot: (unpleasantly) Something the matter Crichton?

John: It's that damn Peacekeeper bitch! She's barricaded herself in the Command! I think she's trying to take over the ship!

Pilot: (with cool menace) I'm aware of her actions.

John: Shut her down! Lights, power, all of it!

Pilot: I'm sorry, John. I cannot do that.

John: What? Pilot? Pilot!

Aeryn: (poking her head out to talk to him) Got a bit of a problem, Commander? Well now you've got one more. Because the only way you're going to get my weapon - (she places the muzzle of her gun to her own temple) - is if I'm dead!

Aeryn: (laughing) Yes. You're right. You're so right. (she looks back to Rygel) He's absolutely right. (then looking back at John she stops laughing abruptly and says in a deadly tone-) The power setting's too low. (and with that she increases her weapons charge and takes another shot at John) Thank you! SO much better!

John: YOU MISSED! WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! (and he retreats down the corridor)

(cut to John walking through the corridors - he hears the voice of Scorpius repeating his name and moves toward it to find Chiana in the hall squatting over the wanted beacon - above it the hologram of Scorpius hovers, repeating it's stuck recording "...name is John Crichton... John Crichton... his name is John Crichton...")

John: (approaching her) Whatcha doin'? (Chiana jumps up and makes to flee but John grabs her brusquely by the arm) Whoa! Oh, nono! Hey missy, why you messing with that beacon?

Chiana: (as the hologram continues to repeat John's name) Oh, hey, Johnny. Well, I'm not messing with nothing. (and with that, she knees him in the groin. He doubles over in agony as Chiana laughs and exits)

John: (on his knees, he rasps-) Oh! God... damn!(he looks up at the image of Scorpius and chokes out hopelessly-) They don't get it... They don't get it Scorpy... They don't get how crazy they are. (and to his horror - the hologram stops repeating his name and starts talking back to him)

Scorpius: You're right John. They don't get it. (John gapes up at the image) They don't get how crazy they are because- (and as John watches, the hologram solidifies into what appears to be the real Scorpius who steps down and casually leans over to speak close to John's ear) -beause they stole the crackers.

(cut to the Command. Aeryn continues to rearrange it as Rygel watches)

Rygel: You'll never be able to take over Moya! Pilot won't let you!

Aeryn: I have disabled his ability to spy on us up here. We just have to hope that the others keep him busy.

Aeryn: We have to risk it don't we? In any assault, a soldier has to take chances and attack the nerve center.

Rygel: (getting fed up) Shut up! I don't need a grunt to give me a military assault lecture! I wrote military assault lectures!

Aeryn: (annoyed and contemptuous)You? The only thing you've ever assaulted is a plate of food cubes! Now shut up! (Rygel retorts with a contemptuous grunt of his own)

(cut to John, walking the corridors of Moya trailed by his hallucinatory nemesis. John looks shell-shocked as Scorpius natters on...)

Scorpius: And you remember that cracker? That older kid - Howie Lewis - who beat you up for what? You were just 12. It took months, but you got even. (John stops) And you poured sugar in poor Howie's Harley. Howie had no idea it was you. (John makes no response but to turn and walk in the opposite direction. Scorpius follows) Yes! Yes - revenge is a dish best served cold and you like revenge, don't you?

Pilot: (sounding a bit bewildered, he's almost speaking more to himself that to T'raltixx) Save me from who?

T'raltixx: (forceful) From the others! Don't you understand? They're plotting against you! You may not trust me, but believe me, trust them much less!

Pilot: (he groans a bit as if trying to resist and not being quire able to, as he replies with trepidation-) Boosting in 2 more core channels.

(cut to the cargo bay. D'Argo is thee with his Qualta drawn defensively as he paces, guarding the crackers. John steps out from concealment with a pulse pistol drawn and calls to him)

John: Drop it! (D'Argo turns but makes no move to obey) Oh, go ahead. Try it Medusa - try it. (they face off with each other) Down boy... Roll over. (D'Argo finally wavers - knowing he can't bring the Qualta to firing position faster than John could pull his trigger) Good boy.

D'Argo: Go on. Kill me.

Scorpius: (invisible to all but John, he stands on the sidelines and exhorts him) Go on John! Do it! Then we can go to the beach! I know a place with naked Sebacean girls and margarita shooters!

John: (he has a second gun which he aims at Scorpius with his left hand) Go away, Scorpy! You're not real.(D'Argo eyes John quizzically and John refocuses on him) Uh-uh. What? What am I being - irrational? Oh. Well, have a little pain. (and with that he shoots D'Argo in the leg. The Luxan yelps with pain and falls to the floor)

Scorpius: (eagerly) Finish him. FINISH HIM! Then we can go to that little eye-talian joint I know. (John shifts his attention and both guns to Scorpius and growls-)

John: I don't like eye-talian!

Scorpius: Don't be a coward. Kill him. Not me! Him! (John turns back to D'Argo but finds only a puddle of dark blood where the Luxan had been and a trail of blood droplets leading away. John emits a wickedly annoyed laugh and goes after him)

(cut to Chiana, walking nervously through Moya's corridors, looking for someone - just about anyone in fact...)

Chiana: D'Argo? Zhaan? (from behind her- she hears the voice of one person she doesn't want to meet up with...)

John: Hi baby. (before she can make a move he's on her. He grabs her and toughly pushes her, face-first, against the wall. He holds his gun to her and presses his body against hers)

Chiana: Crichton? Don't! I-I can help you!

John: Nonononono. I'm still achin' from the last time you helped me. (he snorts) What a sllllllut!(terrified, Chiana struggles but John shoves her back tight against the wall and laughs derisively) Is that why your family abandoned you? Because you'd spread 'em for anybody, anytime?

Chiana: (whispering with terror) John, please. Please, don't.

John: Nope! 'Fraid not. My little black book - is all full. (he brings his pulse pistol up and presses it's muzzle against her neck - but at that moment Scorpius appears again)

Scorpius: John. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Show a little bit of patience. Tie her up. Then we can save her for dessert. Kill the others. Then we can have a little bit of fun with her.

John: (nuzzling his face in Chiana's hair) Nice. I like that idea. (and he strikes her unconscious with the butt of the pistol)
(cut back to Aeryn and Rygel in the Command)

Aeryn: (she comes up to him and shakes a tool in his face as she speaks) You're gonna sell me out, aren't you, when he comes? You're gonna switch sides?

Rygel: No.

Aeryn: You're lying! You know how I know that? Because you always lie. You have no integrity! You have no honor! YOU CHEAT! YOU STEAL! YOU STUFF YOUR FACE! THAT'S YOU! (she stalks away from him and he emits a yell of rage and charges her with his hoverchair but she easily swats him out of it and he hits the floor and is knocked out)

John: (they have not been able to fully close the great swivel door to the Command and he is able to squeeze through and enter, his gun drawn and aimed at Aeryn. She spins around to face him - her own gun trained on him) Well, well, well. This is becoming a problem you're gonna need professional help with. First you betray the Peacekeepers, and every vow you've made since you were born. And now poor Sparky, here? (sneering) Tell, me Princess, when you're old and fat, will you have anything to look back on with pride?

Aeryn: (derisively) Is that it? Oh, don't stop. Why don't you make - another speech? You self-important, deficient little man! All you ever do is TALK! Your father was the hero you know! He did things. You, you're just this test monkey that screwed up your first experiment.

John: (laughing cruelly) That is good! That is fan-tastic! Coming from a FRIGID, FLAT-BUTTED- (Aeryn glances down, momentarily concerned) -PEACEKEEPER SKANK! (he giggles maniacally and Scorpius appears on the sidelines again - wearing the ugliest Hawaiian shirt ever created - and carrying a couple liquor bottles)

Scorpius: Kill her. Then we'll have pizza. And some margarita shooters. Go on, John. Kill her! Do it. Do it.

John: Nobody- (he slowly turns and aims with his guns at Scorpius again as Aeryn eyes him talking to thin air) -has margaritas with pizza.

Scorpius: You're out of your mind John.

John: I know. (and with that - he blows Scorpius’s head off. But instead of dying, his head just explodes into dozens of little Scorpius heads, all laughing at him - that twirl and roll in the air till they dissipate like so many bubbles)

John: (spooked and anxious for her to hear him) Aeryn! Listen- I just shot Scorpius!

Aeryn: (deadly) Shut up. You're wrong, you know. When I'm old and fat- (she glances down at herself) -when I'm old - there is one thing I'm going to look back on with enormous pride, and that is killing you.

John: Aeryn, he wanted me to shoot you! (but she fires - and misses him, probably on purpose. After a second he fires back - missing her and they break into a furious gun battle, both taking cover and raining hails of little bolts of yellow light at each other until both their weapons are out of ammunition) Damn!

Aeryn: Dren! Have you got any spare cartridges? (in response John breaks from cover with a warlike- roar and rushes Aeryn. She does the same and they clash, in hand-to-hand combat - unless John held back his second gun...)

(later - cut to John, dragging the unconscious body of Aeryn down a corridor to a room where he's already got D'Argo, Chiana and Rygel tied up in front of a table heaped with packages of crackers. Zhaan is flopped onto a lounge off to one side)

John: Hiya, kids!

Rygel: (as John cuffs Aeryn's inert form to a heavy table leg) Let me go. I command it, you miserable-

John: No one's going anywhere, not even to Disneyland. Not before we all have the breakfast of looooosers! (he pours water with a flourish onto Aeryn's face. She comes to, spluttering as John skips gaily over to D'Argo) Oh, look everybody! Sunshine's awake! (he kicks D'Argo a good one in the leg. D'Argo screams) RINALDO! Even on a flesh wound. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That must hurt! (D'Argo hisses dangerously) Sorry. Now that we're all here, and so happy- Do you think we could all get along for 3 microts?

D'Argo: No.

John: (crazily) No? But D'Argo, I need you to understand- (he draws his gun in D'Argo's face) -that crackers don't matter. (and with that he fires - blowing a pile of crackers behind D'Argo's head to smithereens. Rygel and Chiana scream, D'Argo jumps. John laughs and continues like a crazy person-) WOOOO! HAH! HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION NOW?GOOD! So. Class. Today's assignment is - anyone? Anyone? Anyone? (he approaches the huge, oval swivel-door to the room and pulls it shut to reveal "T'RALTIXX" written in crude, foot-high letters on the back as he yells-) A BRAND NEW CAAARRR! No! It's T'raltixx! T plus R-A-L-T-I double X. T'raltixx! Since he came on board, we've been fighting about everything, including these. (he blasts another pile of crackers) Now, I've been acting twisted as well. Still am. Been seeing Scorpius like he's guest-starring on Hawaii 5-0. Huhhuh! - how crazy is THAT? (he takes a deep breath through his nose) But - I realized something. Frigging nuts that I am - it's not the pulsars affecting ME!

Rygel: Look, if you want me to believe anything you're saying-

John: SHUT UP! (he blasts a cracker pile next to Rygel's head)

Chiana: (screaming at John) FRELL YOU!

John: We are past the pulsars. So how come we're acting even crazier? Zhaan?

Zhaan: Stop bothering me! I'm busy! (she rises and walks over to a chair where she sits down an hugs herself)

Zhaan: When I was near T'raltixx, I was more affected than when I was in the light. He-he made me feel- (she trails dreamily off)

John: Enough. Go for 345. So. (another deep breath) I have - as much as I hate to do this -(he makes some 3 Stooges sounds of frustration) -I have to ask for your help.

Aeryn: No.

John: (he makes a beeping sound like an automatic targeting weapon in a science fiction show as he brings his gun to bear on her) Wrong answer! (he blasts the heap of crackers above her and laughs insanely as she yelps and is covered with their shattered remains)

(cut to Pilot in his Den. The scene shifts between him and T'raltixx in the room he has holed up in)

Pilot: I'm at systems overload!

T'raltixx: (he's lost the demure robe he was wearing when he came aboard and is now clad in what can only be described as a suit of armor) I NEED MORE LIGHT!

Pilot: But why? I'm not sure if I can.

T'raltixx: MOOOOORE LIIIIIIGHT!

Pilot: (as T'raltixx’s voice echoes in his ears) All right!

T'raltixx: (howling with the grandiosity of the true power-mad maniac) CAN YOU FEEL IT, PILOT? ALL OF MOYA IS BEGINNING TO GLOOOOOOW! I AM MAAAAGN-IFICEEEEEEEEENT! (cut to a view of Moya floating in space - she is indeed beginning to glow like some huge deep-sea creature)

(cut back to John and his bound crewmates where he's still trying to convince them to see things his way)

John: (urgently) LOOK! I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DOING TO MOYA! (he pushes the door open and brilliant light - emanating from the walls of the corridor - floods the room. Everyone squints except Zhaan, who squirms) LOOK AT THE WALLS! (softly as he stands, silhouetted in the doorway) They're glowing. Look.

D'Argo: Why? Why would he want us to fight amongst each other?

John: He wants us out of the way so he can create light.

Zhaan: Mm. I noticed - between pleasures - he has hundreds of DRDs working so his chambers are glowing.

D'Argo: I think it's time that we paid this creep a visit.

Aeryn: (as she stuffs crackers into her mouth with her free hand) And kill him. Undo me.

John: Can I trust you?

Aeryn: (as she picks more cracker bits off her front and munches them) No.

John: At least you're honest. (he undoes her cuff and she scrambles to her feet whereupon she seizes him by his vest and says-)

Aeryn: Now. Unless you plan on actually pulling the trigger, don't ever pull a gun on me like that again.

John: I was making a point.

Aeryn: So was I. (there's a pause as she leans closer to him)

John: Don't. Stop it. Focus here. (he pushes her away and scratches his ear as she goes and frees the rest of the crew) Okay. T'raltixx said that we're attacked through our optic neurons. That's how he's getting to us. But I can deal with it. You just gotta find a way to keep the light and heat off of me, and I'm gonna go in there and kill him.

D'Argo: (disparagingly) YOU? We're not sending YOU in there after him!

John: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the only one around here keeping it vaguely under control.

Rygel: Tch! Says who?

John: Says me, Buckwheat!

D'Argo: YOU are no warrior. *I* will kill T'raltixx.

Aeryn: No you will not. I will. You're wounded.

D'Argo: (talking over her) No way! I want the first shot.

John: Look at you two bozos. You'd kill each other before you got anywhere near T'raltixx.

Chiana: (sensibly, in support of John) He's right. He's gotta do it.

D'Argo: Why?

Chiana: Don't you get it furball? Look. Crichton's the only one not affected by T'raltixx because he's deficient.

John: Who you calling deficient?

Chiana: You. You've got the worst eyes out of all of us. That's why your optic nerves aren't being affected.

John: (outraged) I got GREAT eyes. They're better than 20/20 and they're BLUE!

Chiana: (sighs) Okay. So, can you read the symbols on the basin over there? (cut to a brief view of a lovely brushed metal basin with curved legs YOU wouldn't be able to afford)

John: (glances at the basin and then snaps-) There's nothing there.

Rygel: (with a little laugh as he looks at the fancy sink and reads-) Warning-

D'Argo: (continuing) -don't flush corrosives-

Aeryn: (finishing) -down the waste tunnel. (wait a minute - isn't that the same sink Aeryn washed the DRD glue solvent off in back in TGAS? It's no wonder Moya has problems!)

John: (with an insincere laugh) That's all right. That's a joke.

Aeryn: Excellent. If we're gonna let blue-eyes save the day, we'd better come up with a very good plan.(she and the others troop out of the room leaving John to rant furiously by himself for a moment)

Rygel: (reassuringly as he brings the final component of their Champion's armor) Don't worry. This is T'raltixx’s disappearing device. (Chiana takes what looks like a particularly large and tacky rapper pendant and hangs it around John's neck) So it won't matter how ridiculous you look. (he and Chiana join the rest of the crew to survey their handiwork - with some dismay. John begins to him "The Ride Of The Valkyries" and strikes a "Masters Of The Universe' pose with the Qualta raised over his head)

Aeryn: (nodding with conviction) We are going to die.

(cut to a view of Moya glowing as if she is about to go into starburst. Then cut to a corridor within her. Aeryn and D'Argo are running a cable to the cloaking device that John is wearing. He's standing in the entrance to the room where T'raltixx has set up shop)

D'Argo: We've attached you to the module in the transport hangar.

John: Fire the drive up for 10 microts, no more! No mippippippi! I do not want to blow up!

Aeryn: When you get in there, cut off as many of the power conductors as you can. That should reduce his strength so that you can then get close enough to kill him. All right?

John: (looking over his shoulder into the room and blathering) Damn! It's bright in there.

Aeryn: You ready? (he nods and Aeryn comms Rygel) Now Rygel. Only 10.

Rygel: (cut to him sitting in the Farscape 1 and replying in the tone of one who doesn't think he needs constant reminding about what to do) Ye-es! (cut back to the corridor - where John disappears as Rygel starts the module's engine)

T'raltixx: (immediately aware that someone has entered despite the crew's preparations. A big organic-looking structure hangs from the ceiling and thick masses of twisted cables spread out from it) There's someone in here Pilot.

Pilot: (via comm) I see no one.

Rygel: (cut to him in the module) 5... 6... (cut back to T'raltixx’ss chamber as John used the Qualta to cut one of the masses of conduit)

T'raltixx: (wincing) NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING PILOT?

Pilot: (innocently as the scene cuts for a split second to him in his Den) Nothing.

T'raltixx: My light! (John hacks down another cable cluster)

Rygel: (cut to him in the module) 9... 10... (he skips a beat and then continues blithely-) ...11 ...12... (cut back to T'raltixx’s chamber as another bunch of cables are slashed)

T'raltixx: STOP! (he spots the moving cable that connects John to the cloaking device and severs it with a blast of light from his eyespots. John becomes visible and freezes for a second) CRICHTON! HAH!

John: CRAP! (he whacks off another twist of cables)

T'raltixx: YOU CAN'T STOP ME CRICHTON! I HAVE THE LIGHT!

John: BUT HUMANS ARE SUPERIOR! (he brings the Qualta down on another bunch of conduit. T'raltixx fires back at him with 4 blasts of light from his eyespots. John ducks and is forced to retreat)

T'raltixx: YOU'RE TOO WEAK CRICHTON! I WILL KILL YOU! (he levitates and clings the huge organic structure that hangs from the ceiling at the center of the room) I-I WILL GET THE LIGHT AND TAKE OVER YOUR SHIP, AND THEN- (John hacks more conduits from the central structure) GIVE ME THE LIGHT! THE LIIIIIGHT! AH! I NEED MORE LIIIIIIGHT! (he wails piteously and spasms as he starts to lose it. John opens the Qualta to it's gun mode and fires upon T'raltixx-) YOU CANNOT STOP ME, CRICHTON! (but the blast from the Qualta knocks T'raltixx to the floor and John approaches him, ready to fire again)
GO ON! KILL ME! WELL THERE ARE THOUSANDS JUST LIKE ME! WE WILL FIND ANOTHER LEVIATHAN TO MAKE OUR LIGHT! AND WHEN WE DO, WE'LL SPREAD LIKE A PLAGUE! WE'LL RISE FROM OUR DORMANCY AND KILL YOU ALL!

John: I told them it was a mistake bringing you on board. (and instead of firing the Qualta, he uses it in it's capacity as a blade and drives it into T'raltixx who screams and buzzes horribly as he emits one last blast of energy from his eyespots at John who ducks. The blast instead impacts the great central structure hanging from the ceiling and everything goes dark)

(later - cut to a view of Moya, not glowing, moving through space. Then cut to the central chamber where D'Argo and Rygel sit and listen as Pilot addresses them apologetically via com)

Pilot: I have talked with everyone else. All I can say is I'm terribly sorry. (cut briefly to him in his Den) T'raltixx somehow brought out the worst in me.

D'Argo: I think he brought out the worst in all of us Pilot.

Rygel: (rather imperiously) Yes. Your apology is accepted.

Pilot: (deeply chastened) Thank you. Thank you both. (he signs off)

D'Argo: (to Rygel) I, uh... I am ashamed of what I did.

Rygel: (numbly) I thought you were going to kill me.

D'Argo: (softly) I'm sorry Rygel. Can you forgive me?

Rygel: (looking down) No! (then looking up at D'Argo) Not - yet.

(cut to the Command where Aeryn, Chiana, John and Zhaan are putting the furniture Aeryn moved back into place)

Chiana: That did it!

John: (to Aeryn) Damn, that was heavy. How did you move it by yourself?

Aeryn: Hm? Oh. I don't know. I just did. (she moves off)

Chiana: (to John) Some of the things you said...

John: (abashed) Yeah look - I'm sorry - really sorry I'm sorry-

Chiana: (acting the tough one-) Oh, no, no. Look, don't apologize. I was impressed. How did you come up with all that crap?