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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Tuesday Times Newsletter!!

Taken from www.monnica.comYes, dear fans, you read correctly. I know that many of you have been here several times, and I thank you. How will I thank you? First, let me assure you, the staff at Tuesday Times are not pyschopaths, murderers, drug dealers or con-artists. With the petty talk completed, let's talk business. Our Tuesday Times "blog" will soon be fully mobilized into a first class website. Step one: sign up for your ALL NEW free newsletter. It is on the right side below the "Old Articles" list. Your e-mail will be sent directly to the Tuesday Times e-mail address, and no where else. But gang, here is the best part. The first five people to sign up will be sent (via U.S. Mail) a framed, autographed copy of the very first Tuesday Times issue, from February 8th. Sign up now and be the first to be an exclusive Tuesday Times friend. Friends can send ideas for articles, take part in polls, and much more. SO SIGN UP! It takes seconds, and I'm a high school student, not a psycho hacker. In mid-April, we will also be holding a contest to see which Tuesday Times friend can come up with the best article idea. The winner will be given a prize, and their article will be featured in a special "User Edition" of the Times. We hate you! Sign up!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

African Bretanoid Kills Thousands

Taken from www.abc.netA new sweeping disease, named "African Bretanoid," was discovered by Dr. Beardley Nerport, Tuesday Times expert on fatal diseases. The disease apparently swept across several continents when a solar eclipse occured early this morning that will last all day. The disease destroys nerve endings and causes skin to "eat itself." Stay inside or die.-Rinaldo Harris

Tuesday Times Breakdown of the Week

Taken from www.argusleader.comSubmitted by Charleston Bronte Smith

"Well, it started when I woke up in the morning, and Iwas lying next to my dead wife. All I could do wasstare at her severed head and the veins pulsating fromwhat was left of her neck. I could not shed a tear,and I don't know why. The I got up to find all of myfood eaten and my 46 inch plasma TV thrown into thebathtub where my German Sheppard of eight years was lyingdead, once full of electricity. It was shocking,really. My couch was also torn up. I could not helpbut see my psychiatrist later, but he only laughedbecause it was funny. Then I started to realize, 'Hey,this is kind of funny!' I laughed hysterically andtears of confusion streamed across my now bluish face.It was then that I realized I was laughing at my life- it was ruined. So I tied a rope to the back of an 18wheeler and made a noose, but when I was aboutto throw it over my head I was shot in the leg by adoped up robber, who managed to escape with 12 dollarsof mine. I am now in the hospital and drowning in a poolof my own tears which have collected on the part of mybed that creases when I lay on it."-Reported by Trent Heartly

Senioritis Runs Rampant!

Taken from www.nchs.1wyo.netWith only weeks left to go in their 13-year prison, I mean school, many seniors are running short of patience with assignments and meaningless rules that are mainly in place to govern small children, something seniors are obviously not. But why?Research has determined several causes linked to the debilitating disease:1. The city issued uniform might as well be a bright orange jumpsuit to make it's point even more obvious.2. Dictated lunch periods should almost have armed guards.3. Forced silence and obedience by most administrators merely gives students more of a reason to hate them.4. Busy work does nothing but give students a chance to cheat and/or sleep.5. Tests at the end of senior year should be graded with happy faces instead of a large "F."6. Being taught new material with mere weeks left is like teaching a ninety-three year old how to breathe (might help, but not that important.)7. At the ages of 17 and 18, we are officially the smartest and most elite group of humans alive. EVER. And school is for fools.8. 97% of students have unanimously decided that, in short, "School s*%$*. And it $#%@!$ @#$@#$ and *&%#% !#!$. #%$@!"No further questions. -Frank Duprosti

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Penguins Slaughtered!

Provided by GoogleThe oil drilling fiasco in Alaska has recently torn the nation in two...again. The biggest controversy since the War in Iraq, the Alaskan oil fields are quickly becoming a fireside and coffee house topic. America is murdering penguins. Tuesday Times house expert on oil drilling, Dr. Beardley Nerport states, “I say go for it. What we have been doing is systematically slaughtering penguins, and sometimes using their wings as propellers for the drill blades. Its quite simple really. Plus, one of the penguins defecated on my snowmobile.” So far, approximately 78% of Alaska's penguin population has been destroyed. A head official of PETA, a non terrorist group that terrorizes all those who do not see things their way states, “I will kill any one who supports drilling. That is a fragile ecosystem up there.” Dr. Nerport retaliated, “Yes, he is right. Did you know that all of the civilized world was also once a natural habitat? Perhaps we should begin killing ourselves and knocking down buildings so that wildlife can reign supreme and human life disappear.” Dr. Nerport then continued by calling PETA a group of “terrorist tree-huggers” and “sissies.” PETA then spilled rams blood on him, and ran away. Dr. Nerport then said, “They’re right. Drilling is wrong, and I love penguins.” He then put on a tie-dyed shirt and played bongos. Kumbaya, Dr. Nerport. -Frank Duprosti

Violent Frisbee

Provided by www.gallbrosmedical.comRidgeway Boys frisbee faced off against Collierville Saturday. In what spectators are calling a “bloodfest,” one Ridgeway player was ejected and the game was nearly called. MFA referees were several times forced to blow the whistle for devastating tackles by Larry Thompson, Nick Holmes, and the only Ridgeway player to ever be thrown out because of excessive violence, Jonas Gibbs. Also, excessive use of profanity was a problem with both teams. Touchdowns were thrown by Aaron Epstein, Nick Holmes, Larry Thompron, and Chad Warren. The game was lost, but Collierville varsity dares not speak negatively about Ridgeway in public. A second game against MUS was Ridgeway Boys Frisbee’s first ever double digits led by Nick Holmes, Aaron Epstein, Paul Friener and league creator Will Frazier. The MUS game was a welcomed one and came with no blood, broken bones, or crossfaces. Ridgeway will square off against Cordova this Saturday in an effort to grab a first ever Ridgeway Frisbee victory. The game will be at 1:35 at Shelby Farms, and students are encouraged to come. Collierville players are a bunch of girls, and would lose in a fight against Cher and Michael Jackson. -Trent Heartly

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Spring Break... or Hot Hell?

Provided by mulletsgalore.comStudents throughout the school system are anxiously awaiting their treasured “Spring Break.” What these students don’t know, is that millions of child hungry pedofiles are lurking the streets in anticipation. These “Jacksonians,” as they’re being called, consist of over seven hundred legally insane chronic sex offenders, all with a history of violent murders. Students everywhere are now calling themselves to arms. One student said, “No Jacksonians are getting a hold of me! I’ll punch them!” This ignorant student was then immediately trampled and carried to an alley. He has not been seen since. So far three dozen students have been abducted and/or beaten to death. Only one body has been found. Despite the unbelievable impossibility of this ever happening, several students are buying automatic weapons and mind altering drugs. Another student states, “If I’m going down, I might as well be high and have this gun. Guns are cool, I guess.” The Jacksonians have reportedly built a stronghold somewhere near Memphis’s Oak Court Mall, and have established a command center in the men’s restroom. A nameless Jacksonian commander in chief states, “I’m gonna get ‘em. I like baseball and turnips. Kill, kill, kill. Peace out gangsta.” The National Guard will soon be called up to have an emotional gun battle with the sexually starved psychopaths. -Frank Duprosti

Bill Gates Buys Mars!

As the stock market came to a close on Sunday, multi-gajillionaire computer tycoon William Gates made a deal with NASA to buy neighboring planet Mars for 4.8 million trillion billion US dollars. Said to be the largest single purchase of land since Donald Trump bought Pluto back in 1997, new ownership of Mars has stirred up quite a bit of controversy. The US Government is quite grieved over the situation and for being left out of the deal, but since Gates bought the US Government in 1994, they can't do anything. "We're just happy that Mr. Gates gives us money to buy nuclear weapons," says US President George Bush, "and doesn't unleash his army of Killer Mutant Robots on America and its citizens." Meanwhile, the alien residents of Mars have begun to protest Bill Gates after hearing about the deal. "{^$%$^@+-*/?!!!" says alien Ted Jones, which our Tuesday Times scientists have deciphered to mean, "You will all die!" "First he steals our technology, and now he's trying to buy our planet? See, this is exactly the kind of s*** that starts the War of the Worlds!" continues Jones (the alien). Secret reports have shown that the US alien abduction rate is up 76% from last year, and newly evident signs of the upcoming apocolypse have been sprouting up all over the US along with crop signs. When asked about what he'll do with his new planet, Gates explained that he is planning on starting a new society on Mars that is comprised of the most perfect specimens of the human race. "My new computer technology will control everyone and everything on Mars, and everyone will bow down to my Computer. I like men," says Gates. Well, it sounds to me as if Bill Gates has a really bright future on his hands. It's too bad that my new XR Rifle with hollow-tipped bullets is aimed 18 inches from his trachea right now... -Rinaldo Harris

Clone Army

Taken from www.dailyprobe.comIn Uzbekistan, an army is being constructed and rapidly mobilized. This army of what Uzbeki authorities are calling “The Useless” are supposedly the most unintelligent, non purpose serving creatures ever created. One man states, “They are only good for looking at. I’m glad we cloned women instead of men, because women aren’t important.” Many agree according to this poll- ARE WOMEN USELESS? Yes———————————— 94% No————————————- 00% Undecided—————- 06% -Trent Heartly

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Oscars Were Fake!

Photo provided by www.rosswhite.comSome undefined time ago, national television broadcasted the 77th annual Oscar ceremony. The elaborate festivities included a plethora of celebrities and famous people wandering the red carpet, being interviewed by the E! people. What television didn’t tell you is that the E! people are made of paper-mache. Back in 1937, the controversy first emanated whence the former E! studios-building was found abandoned and covered in glue and torn paper. New Guinea police were investigating the crime, and claimed to have been severely affected by the poisonous radiation from the waste. One officer said, “It was just awful. I was gonna touch it, I really was. Then I remembered, ‘I have kids! I need to play it safe.’” Shortly thereafter, the entire building blew up, killing all of the men and voiding any possibility of the quote I just cited. Johnny Depp claimed “I could smell Starr Jones’ paper. It smelled like France.” Keith Richards remarked, “The glue smelled all too familiar.” Keith Richards sniffs glue. Security immediately gunned down Star Jones and her annoying sidekick-butt-cheese woman, I-don’t-know-her-name, only to discover that paper-mache is immune to bullets. She was reconstructed, and is now used as a centerpiece called “Paper Mache Jones.” The Oscars were delayed five weeks, and the Tuesday Times is proud to be the first to inform you that the Oscars recently shown was a repeat from last year. -Trent Heartly

Times, Inc. Becomes Giant

Photo Provided by growabrain.comThe Tuesday Times’s parent corporation, Times, Inc. has now swallowed another company to form Times Photography, the latest divison of the billion dollar company’s already sterling reputation. Founder and CEO, Nick Holmes, states, “I am insanely intelligent. I started this company from the ground up, and now all will bow before my power. Please visit our website and donate money. Please. They’re holding me hostage! Plea-” Shut up. I’ve had enough. -Frank Duprosti

Rapper Unearths Nessie

Provided by www.cicap.org In Scotland yesterday, famous rapper/paleontologist “P. Soop” uncovered an abnormally large skeleton while raking his marijuana (medical) farm. The results of his discovery as well as other evidence supports the claim that this may be the mythological “Loch Ness monster,” formerly of Nazi Germany. Approximately the same height and weight of the colossal Ruben Studdard, the skeleton has proven to be the greatest archaeological find in the last month. Says Soop, “Listen man, I been trippin off this s*%& for 5 years. I dusted that junt off, and I knew that ‘dis was Nessie.” He continues, “Actually, I know in my heart that that is Nessie, because that was a huge skeleton. In addition, the results from the previously enacted DNA tests proved that chromosomes from the skeletal regions matched the similar recesses in the bodies of past victims of the Loch Ness Monster. Man.” Dr. Beardley W. Nerport agrees, stating, “It’s true.” Soop will be rewarded for his findings at the 3rd Annual Ness Appreciation Gala, where he will be given a coveted “Dead Raccoon Monument” award. In related news, the body of Dennis Hopper was found today in Scotland. -Rinaldo Harris

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

A Sincere Apology?

I am the creator of Tuesday Times, a creative blend of fictional and actual facts and/or events brought together into a weekly newspaper. I feel as if our few readers are owed an apology, mostly because I realize that they might not find everything we write funny.In turn, we can only say, "our bad." Not our bad, for the content of the paper, but just because. This paper was founded three weeks ago in an effort to curb my and several friends' boredom with being seniors in high school, but to no avail.We have decided to ask you, our readers, for help in how to expand. We have this website, and we have our basis (a newsletter given twice a week, read by fifty or so students consecutively.) We know that almost everything we write is pure gold whether you like it or not; if you don't then you probably just suffer from low self esteem and have no real social life.Howver, the staff begs you to email our acounts, "timesauthor@yahoo.com" in an attempt to help our modest paper develop into the media monster it deserves to be.Thanks, Balla.-Tuesday Times staff

Ultimate Disaster

Image provided by: Google Images The Ridgeway Ultimate team was humiliated Saturday, but no worries. Capt. Nick Holmes states, "We played nothing less than horrible. We were tired, we were lazy, and we got killed. No big deal. I will just have to systematically hunt down my team and their families. Or maybe just more practice, I don't know, I'm no hunter." After a hard performance the team was silenced, but will reportedly redeem themselves on March 19th. Fans and spectators are encouraged to attend. -Mike Donepezil

Purple Paper Causes Disease!

It's called "Hypothermal Trechnia," and it is on the move. The disease was discovered early yesterday morning when the Tuesday Times creator ran short of ideas for today's issue. The "purple paper disease" is said to have originated from the sadistic mind of Dr. Beardly W. Nerport. Says Nerport, "Actually, I intentionally soaked several million sheets of purple paper in a vat of human cells infected with yellow fever, typhoid, and malaria. I was bored. Plus, the disease could never REALLY happen, so I made it up." The disease has reportedly infected millions, and is said to spread rapidly when the pastel purple (also called "lovely lavender") is seen or touched. It's glossy surface is swarming with billions of live disease particles, and seeps through human flesh. A treatment is being drawn to prevent and cure the fake disease, and top researchers believe that it could be completely obliterated in the near future. Nerport was arrested late last night on charges of ecoterrorism, and practicing as both a veterinarian and neurosurgeon while dressed as a transsexual clown, and for bashing several residential mailboxes. Stay tuned for more info, or contact "timesauthor@yahoo.com" for more. -Frank Duprosti