Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Spin-Off Heaven!

Inspired by Blockade Boy's amusing catalog of the contents of Tony Stark's briefcase, I'm soliciting your help in compiling a list of what one-shots and miniseries from the whole Infinite Crisis hoo-ha we demand from DC. Because, heaven knows, one can never have too many ancillary tie-in books. As my Great-grandmother Ostendorf used to say, "When you milk a cow, milk it dry."

Here, in no particular order, are my Top Ten IC Spin-offs I Feel I Deserve for seven months of faithfully shelling out sheckels to watch Old Superman and Crazy Superboy act like self-centered jackasses:

1. "Waughed Out!", with every excruciating detail of the Venom-doped, V9-hopped Penguin's breakout from Blackgate.

2. The Rolling Head of Pantha, the Animated Series.

3. Limbo Boys Power Happy Sharing Time, the 500-page manga novel of what really happened when Alex Luthor disrobed in order to share his power with Superboy Prime.

4. The Power of Nyuck!, a Parobeckian romp in which Black Adam joins with Captain Marvel and CMJunior to form a Three Stooges tribute act.

5. Dr. Psycho's How to Control Friends and Eliminate People, in which Dr. Psycho embarrasses characters that readers take too seriously, then makes them jump off a building. C'mon; tell me you wouldn't enjoy seeing Deathstroke think he's a chicken... .

6. The Secret Sex. DCU's mysterious cadre of superpowered drag queens raid the closets of the recently exploded Looker. But what is Alan Scott's real agenda...?

7. DC's Fiction 500. Every issue is a mock annual report from one of DC's fictional companies, featured so charmingly on the 52 website.

8. The World Famous Mr. Orca, a light-hearted domestic comedy about a geeky amateur detective, his buxom supervillainous wife, and their circle of wacky gay friends.

9. Full House, the on-going adventures of Amos Fortune, his gal pal Roulette, and their rowdy brood of Royal Flush Gangsters.

10. The Green Lantern Bore, a monthly series with nothing but scenes of the 50 GLs who guard Superboy Prime talking to each other about regulations, sector gossip, and how their butts look. I won't buy it, of course, but I want the GL fans to suffer... . More, I mean.

Red Mist follows the adventures of DC's new superhero sensation, the Red Mist. Gifted with the power to remove inking and coloring from backgrounds, young Redding Mister has a vital role to play in the DC universe, even more important than that one guy in the group splash page who sort of like the future Starman. But what is the source of his mysterious power, and will he use it for good... or okay?

Sweet Mama Shade: In this series Eclipso/Jean Loring will spend each issue seducing a different supernatural being, briefly turn them into murderous psychos, only to get dumped when they realize she's a total skank. In the first issue she gets her mack on with the Phantom Stranger.

Checkers: Before joining Checkmate, new recruits have to spend a year training in order to get to Pawn status. Divided into teams of read and white, these green young folks take care of the problems their superiors won't.

A Terrific Battle: Michael Holt's atheism is tested as people constantly point out the obvious proof of the existence of Gods in the DC universe. Finally deciding he can take no more, he devises a plan that will allow him to engineer the ultimate war between Heaven and Hell, with the intention of wiping them both out so he never has to justify his refusal to believe that they exist ever again.

Tales of Random One-Panel Slaughter: In this book each page will be dedicated to several panels depicting the deaths of minor characters no one has thought about in years, but who we will miss terribly now that they're gone.

Big City Girls: After settling their differences, Giganta and Rita Farr decide to become roommates in a tiny, one room apartment in Metropolis. Hijinks ensue.

The Kamandi Project: Brother Eye returns with a new plan--this time it will attempt to rid the world of metahumans by transforming regular folks into blond, post-apocalyptic types.

Dead Ted--Ted Kord becomes the new Deadman, and instead of fighting evil, he simply goes around the DCU playing practical jokes by possessing people and leaving their bodies in embarrassing positions.

Luthor and Joker: BFF--The two unlikely pals go off on a road trip of fun and mayhem.

The DCU Continuity Cavalcade--A one-shot "hosted by" Dan Didio (in the style of Waid's Legion letters page), clearly outlining what is and isn't in continuity post-IC, and explaining the rationale they used to make those decisions.

No Fat Chicks: A newly slim Amanda Waller heads a crack team of secret agents... when she's not talking about how many points she has for dinner, or pretending cottage cheese with Splenda is just as good as ice cream. You dare not miss "Carb Countdown to DOOM!"

Ubernerd Pandering Monthly: every issue, Superboy punches out stories that no one likes BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!! Look for the Marvel vs. DC Ubernerd Special, in which Superboy punches Marvel so hard, there is _no_ continuity. Marvel editors shrug.

How about Question's Girlfriend, Nora Lace. It started when Vic Sage changed from an objectivist reporter to a Buhdist urban shaman. But when she realizes that Captain Atom has become a government pawn and Ted Kord went from a respected industrialist to a goofy comic relief character, Nora must go out and find what DC Comic's vendetta against Steve Ditko and the Charlton Comics characters is before she is turned into a vampiric single mom that lives in a trailer park as part of a "bold, new direction."

Also, Kingdom of No: Every issue is divided in two halves. In the first one, Grant Morrison introduces us to an enticing new concept or character. In the second, it's forgotten and Geoff Johns brings back some 80s character in a k-razy new outfit for a good round of fisticuffs.

Crisis Aftermath: Mogo is a six-issue miniseries explaining just what happened to Mogo after having a not very deep hole made on it in Infinite Crisis. It proceeds into a Mogo twelve-issue series and et cetera et cetera.

Haha Fanboy: Every month, Dan Didio answers fan questions with misleading answers in order to cause Internet controversy and sell more comics. It always works. He sure looks happy!

Wonder Woman: Sword of Therimysci, Thermi, ah, Amozonia. A six part mini-series on the history of Wonder Woman's sword. From being forged in the fires of Hades to being shattered next to Batman about to buss-a-cap in Alexander Luthor with Deathstroke's gun.

Sambo. The Spectre reimagined in modern blackface.

Tales of Sector 1138.The story of that Green Lantern in the background of that one panel in that one issue. It could be like a Star Wars book.

Crisis Aftermath: Mogo would of course be followed up by a WEEKLY series - Mogo 52, where Mogo is tracked in REAL TIME week by week. Watch Mogo drift in space! See Mogo alter his orbit imperceptibly to avoid an oncoming meteor six months down the road! Witness Mogo do absolutely nothing to repair the crater left in him by Superboy! Cry as Mogo feels the effects of erosion! It will be a beautiful 52 weeks, my friends...

I'm still waiting for Law and Order: GLC myself, where the first half of the book follows the exploits of a pair of Green Lanterns apprehending space criminals and the second half is all of the tense courtroom drama of the Guardians shoving them into a cell after a mock trial with no real chance to defend themselves.

Queer Eye for the Martian Guy - A four-issue mini-series focusing on attempts to give J'onn a decent uniform. The guy may be a shapeshifter, but as his OYL get-up proves he has no idea how to dress.

Legion Of Super-Artists - Inspired by the pre-Crisis exploits of George Perez, Phil Jiminez gathers a 1,000 of his friends to put out an epic miniseries without falling too far behind schedule. George Perez himself helps out when he emerges in the 21st Century from a Legion time bubble.

Blue Beetle/New Atom: Ethnic Awareness SpecialDoctor Light II sits the new boys down to explain to them that just because you are now magically a non-white male "ethnic" version of the character that the odds of you actually lasting more than 10 issues in a book are very slim. Special guest appearances by Apache Chief, Samurai, El Diablo, and that one Japanese guy from the Global Guardians.

'The New Odd Couple'. One's a fear-entity from the depths of creation. The other's an emo-Kyptonian from a vanished plane. Can these two unwilling cellmates manage to keep from driving each other up the wall?

Only it's still a DC book, so expect lots of potted plants in the foreground, lens flares, and strategically placed smoke plumes.

I would totally buy DLGKITC monthly. Even if it were just a series of pin-ups by hot artists. But I'd prefer an in-continuity story whose plot requires the infliction of pain on his illuminated organ, with long lasting ramifications throughout the DCU... like everytime a Society member sees the Dr., they instinctively wince.

The Fists of Superboy: Watch as Superboy's punches send ripples throughout the DCU! Characters rise from the dead; incurable diseases are suddenly cured; one particularly stunning punch leaves Green Arrow without facial hair! As a special gimmick, the identity of the Flash will change every punch! Yes Flash fans, buy this issue every month to find out who will be starring in Flash's own comic that month!

Hal's Head vs. Kyle's Kiss of Death: Through a rare and unexpected power ring misfire two of the most powerful forces in the Green Lantern Mythos finally become corporial. Can Hal's head save the green skinned women of the DCU in time?