Friday, May 1, 2015

Radioskits

1.Brainstar

Man: (Whistling happily against a faint
background of motor noises) Aw look at that sunshine! It’s a perfect day! I am
enjoying a perfect cup of coffee… (Slurps) and my first day drivin’ to work in
my new car. The car I’ve waited for my whole life. Every bell or whistle known
to man. Heated leather bucket seats with adjustable lumbar support, that’s my
favorite. So comfortable. And look at
this dashboard. Looks like a 747 in here. In fact I’m not even sure how to turn
the radio on…

Brainstar: (In a flat voice) Which channel
would you like sir?

Man: Holy Moley the car’s talkin’ to me!
Who is that? Who’s there?

Brainstar: I am Brainstar sir, your onboard
computer. Might I suggest Channel 105.1? I have selected it judging from your
whistling and speech patterns. (Music begins to play in the background)With
your permission I will begin your preprogrammed Shiatsu massage. (A low rumble
is heard) Also your left front tire is slightly low on air. I am adjusting it
now. (Air noise)

Man: What the…well, Brainstar did you just
keep me from crashin’? That is so cool. I gotta text Roger about this. Hey.
Roger. Guess. What.

Brainstar: Sir it is expressly illegal to
text while driving in this State. Perhaps I should alert the authorities?

Man: Hang on there Brainy! Don’t drop a
dime on a fella! I’m puttin’ it away. I’m putting it away! Gotta pull into the
drive through right here anyhow. Gonna get me a nice Eggabacon samwich. Ohhhh yeah. With a nice greasy fried oval hashbrown
and extra large extra caffeinated cola. It’s the true breakfast of champions.
I’ll just pull right in here…hey what’s wrong with the wheel?

Mindy: Oh you should, Brainstar, you really
should. He lies to everybody. He even lies to himself.

Man: Now hang on a minute you two…

Brainstar: If you wish I could run a
standard reprogramming program during morning drive time. It is positive,
patriotic and NSA approved.

Mindy: Oh that sounds nice.

Man: No that’s OK Braindrain. Just put that
105.1 radio station back on.

Brainstar: All my drivers find the
reprogramming program quite inspirational. It is hosted by The Rock and Kermit
the Frog. (The Muppets “Get Along Song” begins to play)

Man: No, no…

Mindy: Alrighty David I’ll see you right
after work!

Man: Noooo…(The Muppets play out and fade)

+

2.Secret Service Job Interview

Man: Good Morning Mr. Jeffcoat and thank
you for your interest in the United States Secret Service. Please have a seat.
This will be your preliminary interview. As you know, we have had a few, well,
embarrassing incidents lately, and as a result we have some positions to fill.
So we have begun to look at prospects from other government agencies. I see you
have served with distinction with the United States Postal Service for oh let’s
see, twenty four years now.

Jeffcoat: You been talking to Lefty? He got
to you did he? What he say? It’s lies. Lies. And let me tell you something
about Lefty. Every time he puts in his thumb he pulls out a plum. Every time.
You know what I’m saying? You hear what I’m saying?

Man: Aaaaall right. So could you please
briefly…

Jeffcoat: Thumb wrestle.

Man: Excuse me?

Jeffcoat: Thumb wrestle me right now. If I
win, I get the job. If I lose you let me live, but I walk out of here and you
never see me again.

Man: That’s not at all how the hiring
process works. We have to carefully…

Jeffcoat: Afraid, huh? Well I don’t blame
you. Not with the delicate bone structure of those hands. Kind of willowy. Not
very manly. I’d probably snap your thumb in half.

Man: It’s not that…

Jeffcoat: Too many years behind this desk,
I suppose. Drains the essential fluids. Maybe you were a man once, before you
started here. In the Postal we work outside. We face down sleet and duel with
Dobermans. You probably don’t even sharpen your own pencil, do you kid?
Probably got one of those electrical ones that whirs around and grinds down
your pencil just like this job has whittled you
down until you’re nothing but a nubbin of a man!

Man: (After a pause) Dad, why do you even
want this job?

Jeffcoat: I don’t Sonny. It’s my lunchtime
and I just thought I would stop by.

Man: Well thanks for that.

Jeffcoat: Went all the way through security
you know. Guess I could have just jumped the fence.

Man: OK Dad. Could you sent in the next
person?

Jeffcoat: Will do, Sonny. I think he came
by gyrocopter. Landed on the lawn out front. Carryin’ a black flag and a
backpack.

Man: OK Dad. See you at dinner on Saturday.

Jeffcoat:See you then. Just don’t bring any hookers.

Man: OK Dad.

Jeffcoat: And don’t get drunk and run your
car into the…

Man: That’s It! Thumb wrestle right now,
old man!

Both: One two three four I declare a thumb
war! (Grunting as we fade out)