Hair Brushing Is a Safety Issue

Welcome to the April 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids and Personal Care

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles relating to their children’s personal care choices.

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I didn’t realize this a few years ago, but my daughter’s extreme aversion to hair brushing was a safety issue in many ways. True, tangles aren’t exactly a safety issue. Self-confidence and body boundaries are, though.

Three of my four kidlets are fine with getting their hair brushed. The oldest, however, has always been incredibly sensitive and loathes it. We try to be a low-coercion family, meaning that we seek respectful, mutual solutions as much as possible. Forcing a safety issue is one thing–my middle daughter dislikes being strapped into her carseat, but although we have tried many things, including purchasing a more comfortable seat, she is still buckled up if we have to go somewhere. But hairbrushing? How do you make a safety issue out of that? Honey, if you get too many tangles … what? What dire outcome results from that? Your hair will look messy. OK, she is willing to live with that.

The consequence of messy hair is that she doesn’t fit with what our culture considers pretty. Do I really want to teach her to go through discomfort so that she will meet someone else’s standards for beauty? No. Flat out no. I don’t want her to be so afraid of someone disliking her appearance that she will violate her own standards just in hopes of appeasing her peers. If I force her to comb her hair so that she will fit in with our society’s rules for attractiveness now, what will happen five or six years from now when they want her to diet to alter body shape, or wear provocative clothing or anything else? Conforming and submitting to peer pressure are not on my list of goals for my kids.

Should she just do it because I want her to? Because if I am honest, my reasons are not particularly good ones. My own pride, mainly — I don’t want to look like a neglectful mom. She isn’t my fashion accessory, though. She is a person who should have rights over her own body.

And that is the safety issue. I don’t want her to learn that other people have a right to do what they want with her body. That an adult can force her to do something uncomfortable, even painful, through physical or emotional coercion simply because it pleases them. If I teach her that she is powerless to resist something as trivial as a hairstyle, how will she learn that her no should be respected by everyone? I have known far too many who were abused and never even told their parents because they had learned too well that adults could do whatever they wanted to children’s bodies.

I admit, there are days when the Judy Moody look gets to me. I still encourage her to brush it, particularly before participating in special occasions. And believe me, we have tried everything to make it more comfortable for her. Some things help a bit, especially slathering it with tons of conditioner in the tub, waiting awhile and then gently combing through. She still dislikes it, though.

So I try to look beyond the tangles and see the confidence of a young girl who doesn’t feel pressured to look like everyone else, who knows that her body belongs to her and that she has the right to make her own decisions. And you know what? That is beautiful. She is beautiful.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Rub-a-Dub Co-Bathing in Our Tub — Bath time is more than soap and water! That Mama Gretchen shares how co-bathing with her toddler has opened up a world of cleanliness, learning, and bonding.

How to Gently Trim Your Toddler’s Nails — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses some of the gentle suggestions she has received to help Little Man overcome his anxiety of having his nails trimmed, as well as how she copes with her need for his nails to be trimmed.

Confused About Chemicals? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake, Half Asleep describes how to find out where the toxic chemicals are in your house and tips on alternatives.

Clipping Those Talons — ANonyMous at Radical Ramblings describes the ways her daughter’s tolerance for personal care has changed over time, especially when it comes to nail clipping.

Sit Back, Relax and Unschool Hygiene — Instead of focusing on tactics of how to ‘get’ your child to focus on hygiene, Authentic Parenting explains how to help your child internalize hygienic standards.

EC: All or Nothing? — Elimination Communication. Even the title sounds complicated and time consuming. It doesn’t have to, if you adapt it to meet your family’s needs, says Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.

Routine Battles — In a guest post at Anktangle, Jorje of Momma Jorje outlines a simple incentive to help inspire your little one to follow a routine.

Redefining Beauty For My Daughter — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger relays her struggle to define her own femininity and how her preschooler unexpectedly taught her a lesson in true beauty.

Cleaniliness is next to… dirt — The lapse-prone eco-mom (Kenna at Million Tiny Things) sometimes forgets to bathe the kids. Except in the mud pit.

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Dulce is learning to walk in grace with her amazing husband and four wonderful kidlets. She is a perpetual provider of magic mami milk who practices gentle discipline, shares a family bed, homeschools, teaches Spanish, and blogs at Dulce de leche. Each day brings plenty of iced coffee and a fresh lesson in trusting her children, herself and the Love that surrounds and fills us. Sometimes it feels like livin’ a vida loca, but overall, life is incredibly sweet.

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88 Responses to Hair Brushing Is a Safety Issue

Thanks for writing this … it really spoke to me. My 12 year old *has* finally started brushing her hair, but still continues to wear the same clothes many days in a row, and is always pretty grotty. Like you, I don’t much like the looks I get at the shops (and her having bare feet doesn’t help!) but as you say, I choose to respect her choices.

Thank you, Julie! It is so interesting to see how things change as they mature. Do you know why she prefers to wear the same clothes? Is it a favorite shirt, or a particular style or fabric that she likes? Or sensitivity to soaps/softeners, etc?

Great post! Do you ever have issues getting your children to brush their teeth? We’ve had some battles around here and sometimes it just isn’t worth it. I’ve seen where some dentists recommend putting your 3yo into a headlock to brush their teeth… an idea I find appalling!

My son used to cry and throw fits because he hated toothpaste. (My girls all loved it and it was a fight to keep them from eating it!). For him, switching to a mixture of xylitol and bentonite clay made it tolerable, and his teeth are better than his sisters’, too!

Oooh, adore your perspective and your willingness to share it. My daughter and I have used our weekly combing ritual as a practice session for “no means no and stop means stop” when it doesn’t feel good. She controls when I restart. But I’ve never gone all the way with letting her just skip the whole thing. I’m not too worried though: the other day she watched our rooster doing his business with a hen, and said, “No one is EVER going to make ME do sex.”

I completely agree with you. My 21 month old son has long hair and has a crazy hairdo most of the time – as well as fingernails that are too long – but it is nowhere near worth me forcing myself on him to tidy him up.

You know, I haven’t brushed my own hair in about…three years now and I definitely love it! Of course, keeping the locs looking “neat” doesn’t mean that I’m completely maintenance free, but most mornings I roll out of bed, shake my hair, give it a good rake through with my fingers and… that usually about does it for my morning hair routine! (Unless I’m feeling fancy.)

I loved this post! My daughter doesn’t like brushing her hair, either. She hated it until someone gave her a cheap plastic pink brush. It pains me to hear her brush her hair, but she’s happy with the brush.

I did find that a cheap natural bristle brush works great at getting the tangles out of her hair. A friend of mine has the Knot Genie and let me try it. It worked well, too, but it sounds like the brush is ripping through the hair. I think the natural bristle brush works just as well.

My mom used to pull a round brush straight through my curly hip-length hair, and then hit me in the head with the brush when I cried. My own daughter has long curly hair and I get terrible flashbacks when I brush her hair. (And I am so careful, with a wide toothed comb and coconut oil.)

This is a really thought provoking post. I prefer brushing my dry hair with a boar bristle brush as this is the gentlest type I have found. When I was a kid my mum always cut our hair short (we looked like boys but couldn’t care less about that being kids!)and were allowed to grow them longer the older we got. Even now when I encounter a painful knot (not nice I say) I alway think about chopping them off – if only they didn’t grow so slow! As for our little one, she loves brushing her hair – and mummy and daddy’s too even if she doesn’t always use the right side of the brush!

This is a beautiful article, and thought provoking for me. I hated having my hair brushed when I was a child, mainly because my mother was not the gentlest of people, and now I always worry about my hair not being brushed enough.
My daughter is only 7 months so this is not an issue I will face for a while (if ever) but i do hope not to pass my fears onto her, or my hang ups either! Thank you for sharing x

Thank you so much, Ally! It is amazing how such seemingly trivial things can have such a long lasting impact on our lives. I admire you so much for not passing on your fears–if more of us could do that our world would be so much more full of peace. I really believe that fear is the root of most evil.

Náhuatl, that is so interesting. I wonder if my daughter will experience that kind of change, too. Off topic, but I love your name and if I ever get the chance, I want to learn to speak Náhautl. I love Miguel León-Portilla’s books and find the Aztec language and culture beautiful and fascinating!

This is a really good reminder, thank you Dulce. My daughter resists brushing to the max. Like with any thing related to, “child wants parent to do something not entirely necessary but child is extremely resistant”, it’s a matter of really measuring up the NEED for that thing to get done, against the potential damage to the relationship. Unbrushed hair isn’t a dealbreaker. But the resentment that could build in a girl’s protestations being continually ignored COULD BE. Thanks for your post.

Dulce, this is a very thoughtful article. Your daughter’s body autonomy is absolutely more important than what other people may think of her hair!

A quote I enjoy and have for years is “What we really are matters more than what others think of us.” Jawaharlal Nehru

I imagine this may have already been mentioned, but I really enjoy using a pick! My hair is straight and I generally tip my head upside down, start with the ends and work toward the scalp, gently moving through snarles or snags. Maybe a similar solution could be fun for your lovely. 🙂 Finger brushing is also effective for sure.

Mainly, I commend you for respecting her body and staying open to ways she can feel good about all parts of herself.

I also have a highly sensitive girlie, almost 6, and she HATES having her hair brushed. I find if she does it she’s fine, and sometimes she will ask us for help…so that’s when we do step in and brush, but I never would dream to run after her brush in hand! I remember hating having my hair brushed too, so I empathize and know it’s not something that’s forever 🙂 Thanks for raising awareness about creating a healthy sense of boundaries in our girls!

I never really thought about how hair tangles and self-confidence might be related but I know as a young girl I had my share of tangles (having very curly hair)… and I often HATED my hair… as I got older more solutions became available and now I love my hair. 🙂 Thanks for encouraging me to take another perspective on things ~ I don’t have a girl yet but the concept can definitely be extrapolated to boys as well.

I have boys so this is not something I have to deal with but I admire your perspective. I think that I would try to encourage a shorter hair cut or brushing weekly instead of daily but if my daughter absolutely hated those ideas I would hope I could have your perspective on the situation.

I flippin love this article. I read it over a week ago and I am still thinking about it. I love that you made me think about a little think like hair brushing in such a new way, and how it can be such a bigger issue in the long run. I love how it makes me think about my decision as a parent to enforce or not to enforce brushed hair, neat demeanor.

I shared this article with my friends and it started a debate. I do respect the decisions made by parents in their own families according to what they need. But for all those parents who require their kids to have perfect (or at least brushed) hair before they leave the house, I would like to ask a compassionate question…why? Really, what is the big deal? What fear does it bring up? Due to how heated the debate seems to have gotten, I think it must bring up some serious fears.

The debate about hair brushing before leaving the house, led to a discussion with my friends about trying to embrace our children’s “interesting” clothing or self decorating choices. Personally, it does bring up self-conscious-thinking for me. My son likes to decorate himself with markers like tattoos (he is four) and sometimes we go out like that. The stares I get. I feel embarrassed, like a unfit mother. But then I remind myself that my son likes it, and he is just learning about how to express himself in this world, and I try to ignore my inner dialogue, ignore the looks from strangers because, who cares, they are strangers, and go about my business.

To me it is better than making him feel weird or bad about his self expression, creativity, or how he perceives himself. He thinks his marker decorations give him special powers. Why should I rob himself of this feeling? He is only four. Nor do I want to create a fight between us to get him to clean up before we go out.

So just wanted to say thanks for sharing your perspective on this issue!

Great article. I appreciate that you respect your daughter’s boundaries and preferences. How awesome. And I also like how you drive the point home by comparing it to a carseat. Carseats = mandatory. Brushing hair…um, no, that’s a societal expectation…nothing mandatory about that! lol. Well said!

The conditioner I use is Pantene Pro V Smooth and [something] and it has proven to be the most effective for me. Perhaps it would work for you too?

My hair tangles really badly if I don’t keep it conditioned. Typically, I’ll condition it right at the end of my shower and then brush it as soon as I get out and dry off. Trying to brush it in the shower doesn’t work, even with the conditioner, and the longer I go without brushing, the harder it is.

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