Thursday, April 22, 2010

S is for Sneak Peek!

So I told you in yesterdays Ridiculously Awesome post that I was going to share a little something from my current WIP finding me... I promise I didn't let you down! So here it goes:

My feet are cold and my whole body tingles, I sit up and look around me, my eyes are still adjusting but it doesn’t look like I’m at home anymore. I stand up to get a better view but my hands sink deep into the ground, the dirt is wet and I realize I’m in water, I shiver and try to catch my bearings. As I stand up I see myself in the reflection of the water, still haven’t gathered what has happened. As I look deeper in the water I begin to realize I couldn’t possibly see my reflection, but something more, still me just a different me. I find myself staring over my own body.

I look at myself in the river, my body cold, my lips are blue. My red curls once frazzled are now soaked and tucked under several rocks, a trickle of water falls over my ankles. I see several bruises across my legs and as I see my once perfectly painted pink nails have now barely any color left and cuts all around. Did he make me walk here? Was I half awake?

I am confused and at that moment the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, I look around, I know I am being watched, I can feel it. I also know it is not the me standing that is being watched, but the one lying in the river. I’m alive, but barely, I know I have to be alive or I wouldn’t be standing here. Am I possibly the soul of my own body, the only thing who can heal me? I look around me and don’t recognize anything, it is a very unfamiliar place, I feel him still but cannot see him, I know he’s watching. I want to know who he is. Ugh I wish I could remember how I’d gotten here but everything was such a blur. The trees and grass are so overgrown that I don’t know how I could have gotten here. That does explain the cuts on my feet and arms though, walking through these woods or even being carried could have severely hurt, I’m lucky I didn’t have to feel all of that pain. As I continue to search that’s when I spot him. He’s staring at me, watching my movements, which at the moment are motionless, I am knelt down next to my body, frozen, I can’t see his eyes but I can feel him, I can also see the shadow of his face thanks to the moonlight. My heart beats rapidly and though I know it’s not something that can be heard I feel like the world can hear it. Can he see me? Does he know there are two of us?

There you have it!!! A little sneak peek! Hope you enjoyed! Feel free to share your thoughts.

Sorry I didn't make it to all your blogs last night, I was revising and as you all know that comes first! I also just added a facebook badge so for all you avid facebookers I would love for you to be my friend :) Feel free to add me!

This is very intriguing. It really makes me want to know more. I'm curious though, it's such a spooky set up, yet for some reason her voice sounds quite joyous. Is this on purpose? Or perhaps because it is just an excerpt and I don't have much context for it, it feels like this. Could also just be my personal mood! LOL

TAA - You know what it's something I will definitely look into, it is probably me, I have to make sure I'm in the mood to write these types of scenes because otherwise I sound a little happy... thank you for the critique, I appreciate it!!

I enjoyed the setting and the story, but I agree with AA, the voice is a bit light. Before I read her comment, I was going to say I liked it all except the word "ugh." That just doesn't fit. If I am hurt and possibly dying, or at least in great danger, "ugh" just doesn't cover it.

Sarahjayne - I'm glad I'm not the only person. For this story it had to be first person, you need to feel all of her emotions, so thank you!!

Candyland - Thanks glad you enjoyed it!!

Joanne - Yay! That's exactly what I wanted you to think... I'm glad your headed that direction, the first time it was written others had different opinions!

MT - don't worry the whole book isn't scary, though there are parts that freak even me out and I'm the one writing it!!!

Cheree - Thank you for being so sweet and understanding!!

Mary - They would be so stay tuned!!!

Amy - You know you'll see me later on!! I can't help myself! I'm glad you enjoyed the snippet, thanks for the feedback!! It means a lot!

Jaydee - Thanks!!!

Michele - You bring up an excellent point, thank you for the advice, I will work on being a little more dark in attitude and you couldn't be more right, ugh is for a bad day... not for an almost dead day!!

Karen - I'm only bold because it's around all of my blog buddies, in real life I only show my husband!! Glad you liked it so far!!

Theresa - Wow girl I need you around more often! This is awesome stuff! At first I was nervous about being critiqued but I can feel the love of everyone just trying to help out!! Good point with the first person, I have a lot to work on but I like where you're going!! I'll look into breaking the paragraph at the trees portion, I'm still learning the paragraph thing!!

Jen, I really liked the first person; even more, I liked that what you shared pulled the reader into asking questions, wanted to know more. (Like, who is HE?) This is terrific! And don't feel badly about not reading all blogs everyday. I'm just now catching up from smashing my finger on a drawer.

Jen, great excerpt! That was an awesome twist when she (and subsequently I) realized she was looking at her almost dead body. I totally agree with Michele about the "ugh" issue. It took me out immediately, and dang it, I want back in! :)

Your style is very poetic in nature which I thought was great! You're braver than I for going with first person present. I'm sure once you tweak things it'll be flawless.

This was a great piece! Darken it up a bit and we'll have shivers running down our backs while we bite all our fingernails off. ;)

I adore the stream of consciousness, but wonder if you are intentionally using the run-on sentences. Many of the sentences where you use commas would be better as seperate sentences entirely.

Hmm. After re-reading, I am certain this HAS to be intentional.I must know!

Here's an example of what I would change, but would such changes make it less stream-of-consciousness-ey? I don't know.

"He’s staring at me, watching my movements, which at the moment are motionless, I am knelt down next to my body, frozen, I can’t see his eyes but I can feel him, I can also see the shadow of his face thanks to the moonlight."

Mine:

He’s staring at me. He's watching my movements, which at the moment are motionless. I am knelt down next to my body. I'm frozen. I can’t see his eyes but I can feel him. I can (removed also) see the shadow of his face thanks to the moonlight.

So, there's my two cents! I LOVE the premise and think this teaser is super unfair because I want to read more. :)

Good beginning to your WIP. I have to agree you are very brave to share at this early stage. I liked it, the premise is very captivating. I have to agree also with the Ugh. Not really a good expression for the situation that's in it.

Jen, me again. Thanks for leaving a comment...you've just back in Dodge and already on top of everything. You're amazing!! And, Jen, thanks to your award, I've met so many new folks in Blogville. Feeling the love is great! You rock, Girl! Thank you!

I enjoyed the excerpt and now want to see more! I also have to agree about the run-on sentences... but then again this is nowhere near a final draft and I think having the storyline down is more important than editing grammar at this point. :)

Kittie - I'm so glad that you are intrigued and want to know more! Ouch sorry to hear about your finger!!! It makes me cringe!!!

Talli - Thank you that means a lot! I was so excited to be your first fb friend! I'm so honored!!

Saumya - Awe you are so sweet! This means so much! I love all the positive feedback everyone has given me!!

Jenna - I'm glad, thank you!!

Gina - Thank you so much for the advice I will for sure take it into consideration! I realize now that ugh isn't appropriate!! I love your compliment about my writing, that was super sweet!!! I'll remember that one forever!!

Robby - Thank you so much!!

Karen - I can't either!! Though I must say I'll be glad when it's all over, these A to Z bits aren't easy!!!

Janna - Thank you for the advice, this is something I'll be working on from here on out! I think it will take me a few times in the revisions but I'm glad you can still see it's good without that, it's something I can work on!!

Lindsay - Revising is important! Keep at it!!!

Amber - Thanks chica! That means a lot!! It wasn't intentional, I'm still learning my writing style and the correct grammar and punctuation so I appreciate the help! This is certainly a learning process and I think the periods might help give the piece more strength, more fear... more UMPH!!!

Ann - Thank you! I'm glad you find it bold and brave, lol, makes me feel empowered! Ugh is definitely changing! I knew I kept you all around for a reason (hehe!)

Kittie - I always love seeing you here! Glad you dropped by again! I do my best, never able to get around to everyone! You are so welcome, the award was well deserved!

T.J. Carson - You rock!!! So you won't believe this because you haven't read far enough in yet, however this will be a YA fantasy novel. At least that's what I'm labeling it at the moment!!!

Melodygreen - I appreciate the insight and will take the run-on sentences into consideration. I write how I speak and that my friend is where all the run-on's come from! They'll be cleaned up but I'm glad you're enjoying the piece regardless!!