"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

First off, there is at least one Ron Paul supporter coordinating a slander campaign against Fred Thompson. William Beutler at Blog P.I. noted the perp, and checking IMAO comments I found two instance of a "Jim Robinson" talking down Fred Thompson, one here and the other here. Each was under a different IP address, and searching for more comments under those IP addresses I found Ron Paul 2008 here (same post one of the Jim Robinson comments were in) and RepublicanWomenAgainstFredThompson here (which you'll note I immediately pegged as a Ron Paul stooge, eagle-eyed blogger that I am). As you see, this person is an obvious Ron Paul supporter, but he has posed as a Rudy supporter when trashing Fred Thompson -- that's how weird and twisted this conspiracy is.

This isn't just one slanderer, though; this is a coordinated campaign. abrown28 of fredheadsusa.org alerted me to how the Fred Thompson Forum being a Ron Paul front is not just an isolated incident. Some checks on whois information shows the same person who owns RonPaulForum.com, owns the MittRomneyForum.com and RudyGiulianiForum.com URLs so he can defame them too if fortunes change for Fred Thompson (interestingly, he didn't bother to buy JohnMcCainForum.com; I guess getting that would be like buying special insurance in case you're hit by a meteor -- technically it's possible, what are the odds?). The whois information used to match for the FredThompsonForum.com, but now that information is made private, so you'll have to trust me on that (interesting how the only person who knows this is me -- someone extremely untrustworthy; they planned this conspiracy well). If you look at the Fred Thompson Forum and compare it to the Ron Paul Forum, though, you'll notice they were set up exactly the same.

There is a big difference between those forums, though. While there are public areas on the Ron Paul forum where they point out polls to spam and curse how they all have cellphones and that's why Gallup never finds Ron Paul support, they also have some sections hidden to all but registered users.

Sounds like a job for an undercover investigation.

I made a fake ID and attempted access to the hidden areas, but first they interrogated me to make sure I was a real Ron Paul supporter. They asked me three questions which I had to get right to be accepted by them. Luckily, I had done enough Ron Paul research that they didn't stump me. The questions were:

Artist rendering of Zelnorm based on descriptions found in the hidden areas of the Ron Paul Forum.

It's true! The only reason Ron Paul is trying to win the presidency is to prepare the earth for Zelnorm, cosmic destroyer of worlds. My analysis of his secret alien language was correct! Ron Paul and his Ronulans believe that by handing our world over to this alien, insectoid menace, they will be spared and be left to rule the rubble that remains after Zelnorm does to us what he has done to countless other worlds. Ron Paul isn't the Thomas Jefferson of our day; he's the Gaius Baltar, selling us out to an alien menace to save himself!

Warn everyone! We will not welcome our new insect overlords! We reject Ron Paul!

Due to my numerous contacts, I've received the FAQ the White House is going to soon put out to answer people's concerns about the immigration bill. It was written with help from the editorial staff at the Wall Street Journal. Here it is:

IMMIGRATION BILL FAQ

Q. I'm concerned that the immigration bill focuses more on giving illegal immigrants amnesty than border protection. Does the President share these concerns?
A. The President doesn't hate brown people.

Q. This isn't a racial issue. Many people think this bill will only encourage more illegal immigration and leave our borders open and dangerous. What are the answer to these charges?
A. To answer your underlying question, I'm afraid the the President is against your proposal to commit genocide against Hispanics.

Q. This isn't about Hispanics! This is about our laws being respected and our national security!
A. Unfortunately, America has had a long history of closed-minded bigots like you who hate all immigrants and want to keep the nation white and pure. To answer what we can only assume will be your next question, no, jackboots aren't tax deductible, but have fun in your neo-Nazi march anyway.

Q. I'm not against immigrants! Why can't you people understand there is a difference between legal and illegal immigration?! I'm only objecting to the illegal ones!
A. Calm down. It's this frothing at the mouth anger that causes your irrational views on immigration. To answer your other concerns, Hispanics actually have excellent hygiene, are not lazy, and aren't all criminals. Also, there has been no genetic evidence that Hispanics are inferior to the white man. I'd be careful about believing just any pamphlet handed out at your KKK meetings.

Q. With President Bush already having shaky support, do you think it's wise to label people with legitimate concerns about illegal immigration "racists"?
A. Did anyone ever tell you have many blatantly homosexual tendencies?

Q. That's it. I'm leaving the Republican Party.
A. And go where? The Green Party? Yeah, you have fun with that you brown-people hating, Nazi homo. Thanks for the questions!

As you know, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a letter to America. What you probably didn't know is that he has been writing letter to Canada for some time. A Canadian reader recently sent us a copy of the latest and you can see it for the first time exclusively here on IMAO:

Dear Canada,

How has your November been? Mine has been lots of fun. I just wrote America a letter for the first time, and I worked very hard on it. I doubt America will write me back, though, since they are so arrogant. You already know that being so close to them. That must suck. At least you're not near Israel as they can be even more mean sometimes. They try to bake our children's blood into matzo which is a lot like a cracker.

I saw this neat documentary about America the other day by this man named Borat who is from Kazakhstan. He and I are very much alike as we are both very concernced with the threat of Jews. Also, I often wrestle men naked when I get mad. I hope Borat will come to Iran and do a film as he should like it much better here than in America. I also saw a film with pirates that was lots of fun. You should make some pirate movies as I would definitely go see them.

Have you tried blogging? I love blogging. Writing whatever you feel like can be very fun. I just wish I could get more visitors to my blog. I hope to one day get the DailyKos to link to me. That's one of the few blogs out there that really gets me as the people there support me and my great vision for Iran and the Middle East. And I think they're American. Who would have thunk? I guess not all Americans are bad. Are there any Americans you like? I am just happy that some are not ignorant and know that Iran is a very sophisticated country that should be looked up to as an example to the world.

Today we're hanging more gay people which should be festive. I know you are against the death penalty, but you must realize that the American government is even worse as they execute many people who aren't even gay. Also, our death penalty is much less sexist as we also execute many women such as sluts who trick men into raping them. Stoning them to death is just part of the Islamic respect for women, and smart people understand that. We have many less reports of rape than Western nations because of this respect.

A monkey climbed through my window and bit me the other day. That makes me worried about our security. If a monkey can get to me, then surely the offspring of monkeys, the Jews, could get to me as well. I'm afraid they will blow up all our work on nuclear energy. Would you be willing to hide some of our nuclear material if needed? I'd understand if you say no, but it would be really cool of you to do it.

Do you ever feel ignored being next to that big, pushy America? I used to feel ignored because I'm short, but now I'm president. Things will get better for you. Did you know a gorilla only has a two-inch penis? That sort of puts things into perspective.

I'm less worried about America invading us now that they elected the Democrats. The Democrats may even be nice to me as many seem to listen to the DailyKos. I'm much more worried about China since I watched some movies with ninjas in them. I couldn't get to sleep because all night I thought there was a ninja on the ceiling. If China got angry at me, then there could be a ninja for real. I thought I saw a ninja the other day, but it was just a Sunni woman in a burka. If she tried to flip around and throw sharp things at me, I'm sure her husband would beat her.

Isn't it mean how many people in America make fun of my name for being long and complex? It's not like I make fun of their names for being short and overly simple. "Bush" to me seems a lot like a sound you make when you burp. How is that a name? Do you ever get made fun of for your long names like Saskatchewan?

Do you ever get stressed out? When I get stressed out, I like to lead people in a chant of "Death to America" and "Death to Israel." Of course, that's only an expressions of our disagreement with their Crusader and Zionist policies and not to be taken literally. Still, if I could get rid of one, I wonder who I would choose? America is the Great Satan, but it's all the way on the other side of the world. Israel is much closer and those Jews are wily. I guess the decision would be much easier for you, but do not underestimate the Jew threat.

Want to know a secret? Everyone actually hates the Palestinians. They're a bunch of morons. I hope when we one day push the Jews into the sea the Palestinians don't actually think we will want to be their friends. If so, I'm going to push them right into the sea with the Jews. I'd stay out of the sea after that if I were you.

People keep saying I'm crazy, but I'm not. Still, all the talk has made me question myself sometimes. The other weekend, I masturbated to some documentaries about the Holocaust. Is that weird? I asked an imam, and he told me it was okay but I should keep it to myself. It's nice to have imams to ask questions to. Who do you ask questions to when you're worried about things? New Zealand?

Please write me back soon.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

P.S. If you think you see the Twelfth Imam, e-mail me right away. Thanks!

We have just found out that John Kerry has recently testified before Congress about alleged troop stupidity. Here's part of his statement from the transcript:

I would like to talk, representing all those veterans, and say that several months ago in Detroit, we had an investigation at which over 150 honorably discharged and many very highly decorated veterans testified to stupidity committed in the Middle East, not isolated incidents but misadventures committed on a day-to-day basis with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command.

They told the stories at times they had personally ran with scissors, put on shoes before socks, put on pants before underwear, connected positive to negative between two car batteries and then turned up the power, licked frozen telephone poles, blown their salaries on lottery tickets, drank expired milk, shouted "Shazam!" in fashion reminiscent of Jomer Pyle, set action figures on fire for fun, fed bears, and generally mooned the countryside of Iraq in addition to the normal mooning in war, and the normal and very particular mooning which is done by the applied stupidity of this country.

IMAO has accidentally intercepted an email detailing the plans for the new U.S. Border Fence. Since the email is confidential and important to national security, and since IMAO believes IMAO to be an alcoholic and therefore has no control over our actions, we are printing the confidential email anyway. In the interest of ... um ... something or other.

Reportedly, Ayman al-Zawahiri will soon release a new message. Before, it was unknown whether it would be video, audio, or text, but IMAO can now tell you that it will be a video. Through an anonymous source, we were sent all the pieces of the video that ended up on the cutting room floor. While we are unable to show them to you per our agreement never to scoop Aljazeera, we are able to transcribe parts of the video that were cut.

LINES CUT FROM THE UPCOMING AL-ZAWAHIRI VIDEO

* "Just to prove the pope wrong, we're never going to use violence again!"

* "Be honest: Does this beard make me look gay?"

* "I was thinking: If we turn the whole world into one Islamic state, then who will we murder for fun?"

* "I regretfully decline your invitation to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars."

* "I find your questions about whether I have a Jewish heritage to be inappropriate."

Former President Bill Clinton, while getting angry at Chris Wallace for being a monkey, claimed that he "left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy" for the Bush Administration. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice disputes this. Despite the denial, IMAO has obtained a copy of the plan:

This plan was mentioned in the 9/11 Commission Report, so it's hard to believe the Bush Administration never heard of it.

The International Astronomical Union is currently working on a final definition of what a planet is so that the debate over whether Pluto is a planet or not will finally end and astronomers can finally tilt their telescopes back at the open bathroom window of their hot next door neighbor.

Thanks to some skillful detective work involving one of our contributors disguising himself as a janitor, IMAO has received a patrial list of the IAU's list of planets and non-planets... (EDITORS: MARK AS EXLUSIVE TO IMAO)

Earth: Planet
Mars: Planet
Mars (the candy bar): Not A Planet
Planet Hollywood: Not A Planet
Jupiter: Planet
Venus: Planet
Public Enemy's "Fear Of A Black Planet" album: Not A Planet
Venus Williams: Not A Planet
Pluto: Planet
Animal Planet Channel: Not A Planet
Saturn: Planet
Saturn (the car company): Not A Planet
Mercury: (see Saturn)
The Daily Planet: Not A Planet (or a real newspaper)
Neptune: Planet

It has been announced the Fidel Castro is recovering, and Cuba has released some recent photos of Castro to show that he is alive. Some doubt their authenticity and even suggest the photos were manipulated with photo editing software. To counter this, intrepid IMAO fauxto journalist Cadet Happy present these exclusive images that prove once and for all the Fidel Castro is alive.

Fidel Castro at mass today with an unidentified priest carrying today's edition of the South Bend Tribune.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro at a rally today with an unidentified supporter. He's talking on his new Blackberry 8600g and carrying today's edition of the L.A. Times.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro with an unidentified foreign official. He's listening to Christina Aguilera's hit single "Ain't No Other Man" on his iPod.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro at a parade. It's clear from his watch that it is today.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

We are sorry for the inconvenience and hope to prevent this from happening again in the future. Preliminary investigations have revealed that I had a blood-alcohol level of 0.12 at the time the photo was posted. Since it's common for people to photoshop pictures to further anti-Semitic ends when legally drunk, there are no plans to fire myself... despite this being yet another incident in a long series of ethical lapses.

The Israeli campaign against Hezbollah has gotten out of control, and IMAO is here to show you what the Zionist-controlled media is trying to cover-up. You've seen the devestation done to Beirut (here and here), but what you don't know is that today Israel got so zealous with it bombing of Hezbollah that they overshot Lebanon and hit Orlando, Florida, smack in the center of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World. SarahK and I happened to be there today, and SarahK snapped this photo of me in front of the carnage:

You may wonder how I can remain so calm in the face of a small world becoming even smaller. Well, it's simple: it's because of my steely resolve to bring you the truth.

You may also wonder why I waited until now to post this photo. Well, it's just you have to connect the camera to the computer, upload the photo to the blog, and write the post... and I just wanted to play video games this weekend, ya know? Plus, SarahK kept making me clean. What did she think I got a wife for?

I'll post more information as I get it... or until the Zionists shut me down.

UPDATE:

Cadet Happy says this picture is a fake and has an animated GIF as "proof"; well, maybe I touched the photo up a bit... but that's all!

IMAO has just found out that the ailing Fidel Castro was found dead with five bullets in his face. Our anonymous source with the CIA confirmed that it was in fact a CIA hit, the CIA deciding they better finally assassinate Fidel now or they'd never get a chance to.

With the New York Times publishing about yet another programming in current use to spy on terrorists - thus ruining the program - there has been much debate about press responsibility. The New York Times seemed to dismiss any questions about its integrity and how its reporting might help terrorists while doing little to inform the public. To get their full stance, I, Frank J., was able to get this exclusive statement from the new head of the NYT...

Foolish mortals, how dare you question the press or Zod? The powers we have are beyond your comprehension. Check the Constitution of your own pathetic nation; we, the press, have been granted unlimited power. You should feel honored that we let you read from the great trove of wisdom that is the New York Times even though your limited, non-journalist brains could hardly understand even a thousandth of our writing.

And do you really fear that our reporting will help terrorists? Fool! You should fear Zod! We, the press - being greater than you mortals - having nothing to fear from bombs or guns, but we could easily tell the terrorists when and where to kill you... or I could kill you all myself! Nothing can stop the New York Times or Zod!

You may think our reduced circulation has weakened us, but you are wrong! We are all the more dangerous! To our eight loyal subscribers, Zod has determined that your lives will be spared. To all others, fear the wrath of Zod! If you question the New York Times again, I will destroy you!

Bow before the New York Times!

Kneel before Zod!

There you have it; the official statement for the NYT. I thought it came off as a little arrogant, but not as bad as anything Bill Keller has written.

Many have been perplexed by Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert making such a fuss about the FBI raid again Democrat William Jefferson. It all seemed to make sense when ABC broke a story that Hastert is under investigation by the FBI. The Department of Justice has denied this, but ABC is sticking to its story and its unnamed sources. This brings us the question: Whom do we believe more? ABC or the Department of Justice?

Well, I for one know which one brings us more quality programming. So, I talked to my own sources - sources I will not name but I promise are really smart and know what they are talking about - and they told me that there is in fact a huge investigation of Hastert underway. My nameless sources also told me exactly what charges the FBI is pursuing, and it is as shocking as my sources are nameless.

After a thrilling rooftop pursuit, Officer Big Mac was able to pull the mask off the Hamburglar and see that he was none other than Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. This was witnessed by numerous onlookers to whom Hastert shouted, "I'll murder you all! I'll murder you all and eat your hamburgers!"

Hastert then escaped back to his Congressional office and Officer Big Mac turned the matter over to the FBI.

The Hamburglar is responsible for the longest crime spree in American history and has topped the FBI's Most Wanted List for decades. He is wanted for theft of hamburgers in every state (except Alaska and Hawaii), and the total cost of his years of crime is said to be in the billions. If the FBI is finally able to prove that Dennis Hastert is the Hamburglar, he could face multiple death penalty sentences. One can only imagine how many hamburger wrappers Hastert is hiding in his office and the lengths he will go to keep the public from knowing.

I for one hope Hastert is brought to justice, even though I eat more often at Taco Bell where I only get occasionally pestered by persistent Chihuahua who is easily kicked out of the way (the Burrito Bandito was found dead in a dumpster over fifteen years ago). If we live in a country where our Congressmen can steal our hamburgers and not face lethal injection, then we are nothing more than a monarchy.

When I was at Disney World's Epcot Center recently, they had a large, decorated pine tree displayed prominently. I then wondered if it was a Christmas tree or one of those newfangled "Holiday" trees. There were a number of placards on the tree, and the only ones that said "Merry Christmas" were in foreign languages so as not to antagonize over-sensitive Americans, apparently. What was in English was a placard that wished my unspecified holidays would be "happy" and one that said "Have a Joyous Kwanzaa." That made me wonder why Kwanzaa was the only holiday that could get specific mention in English. Perhaps the tenets of Kwanzaa could be offensive to me. Of course, I had no idea what Kwanzaa was and whether to be offended, so I asked the nearest Disney employee what Kwanzaa was. It happened to be Mickey Mouse, and he just shrugged his shoulders and danced a happy little jig in response. I then knocked him to the ground and demanded answers.

And, if any prosecutor asks, Mickey produced his own weapon before I pulled out the switchblade.

While the most common question in regards to Kwanzaa is "What the hell is Kwanzaa?" perhaps that's the wrong question to be asking. Maybe a better question is whether Kwanzaa exists at all. Not only do I not know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, I don't even know anyone who knows anyone who knows how to celebrate Kwanzaa if he or she wanted to.

The traditional story about the creation of Kwanzaa is that, in 1966, an American black militant exclaimed, "I ain't celebrating no white man's holiday!" and made a new African holiday which’s celebration would start the day after Christmas. As charming as that story is, there simply is no evidence to corroborate it. If Kwanzaa has been around nearly forty years, wouldn't there be some documented evidence of a Kwanzaa celebration? Instead, all supposed proof of Kwanzaa is highly questionable.

Kwanzaa Man: The most famous photo supposedly proving the existence of Kwanzaa. Allegedly, this image depicts someone on the way to a Kwanzaa celebration. Due to the blurriness of the photo, confirmation is impossible, and the picture may simply depicte a man on the way to play pool with some buddies.

Furthermore, I don't remember hearing anything about Kwanzaa until sometime in the 90's. A quick Google search found no references to Kwanzaa before the invention of the World Wide Web, something that took place well after 1966.

With further research and the use of the great journalist staple - unnamed sources - I found out that Kwanzaa was not actually created until the mid 90's, and, not only was it not made by black militants, it was created by an old, rich white man.

Oldrich Whiteman: Inventor of Kwanzaa

Sometime in the 90's, political correctness started to take hold during the holidays with TV making sure to wish a "Happy Hanukah" and "Happy Holidays" along with the then common "Merry Christmas" (Ramadan was not mentioned since we had yet to have a large scale terrorist attack). An executive at NBC decided to one-up the competition in how diverse they were by having an African holiday to mention. Not wanting to bother to do the research to find an actual holiday, the executive made up a holiday, named it after his daughter's imaginary friend, and gave it a flimsy back-story. When others saw the mention of this "Kwanzaa," they did not question it so as not to be accused of being racist. Not long after, everyone was mentioning Kwanzaa during the Christmas season though none knew what it was.

In conclusion, while Christmas and Easter have fictional characters to tell our children about, the holiday of Kwanzaa itself is the fiction. If someone wishes you a joyous Kwanzaa, you wish him right back a blissful Flibberdygibble.

BUS-TED!

Has there been counter-protest photo blending by the Instapundit?

I know Prof. Reynolds likey da protest babes. But tweaking their um, images to make them more titilating? Well, surely something like that is below Reynolds. But a call like that's for a far more trained eye than mine. Let me show you the goods.

First, here is the original shot from Global Cop's coverage of the antiwar counter protest:
Pretty girls right? Not bad, Global Cop. Not too revealing. Classy.

Then grab a gander at the Instapundit's version of the photo:

Someone has fine tuned something. Hmmm, I notice some subtle differences. Two of them. Do you see them? Both of them? Did I mention that there were two? They sort of just jump out at you don't they?

Yes, I see two glaring enhancements. He's apparently brightened the image. I mean like shining a set of headlights on highbeam or something at it. And also must have added a wet t-shirt filter overlay to the original.

That's about the brea-, uh, best I can figure.

Update: Glenn has now replaced the image with a more linearly brightened one with embues you with no artificial X-Ray abilities.

FURTHER MORE! I did NOT photoshop this! The 'enhanced' image came directly from the Instapundit website last evening. I'm speaking truth to power here, people!

It ends up that all the hype about Mad Cow Disease was simply a way for the government to cover up the real problem our nation is facing - MAD TOFU DISEASE!

For years now, cheap tofu, mad from INSANE SOY BEANS, has been on the market. This type of tofu is often consumed by DUMB HIPPIES AND OTHER LIBERALS!

When the mad tofu is ingested, the disease takes on the human variant - MAD DEMOCRAT DISEASE!

People with Mad Democrat Disease GO CRAZY! They spout COMPLETE INSANITY! The infected are EVERYWHERE, and they won't rest until ALL OTHERS ARE INFECTED LIKE THEM!

One nearly-prominent person with FULL-BLOWN MAD DEMOCRAT DISEASE is KOS of the DailyKos. He has been DRIVEN MAD and wants all others INSANE LIKE HIM! He has GONE MAD WITH non-existant POWER and is determined to TAKE DOWN THE DLC so that ONLY THOSE WITH MAD DEMOCRAT DISEASE RUN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY!

Be careful! Those infected with Mad Democrat Disease will ATTACK WITHOUT PROVOCATION! They will try to INFECT YOU TOO! Only A SHOT TO THE HEAD is CERTAIN TO KILL THEM! And, since the disease is spread through ingestion, DO NOT EAT SOMEONE WITH MAD DEMOCRAT DISEASE!

This week on Fox's 24, Audrey was whiny and homely, Jack was a patriot who prioritizes, the Division Guy told Chloe that they didn't have time for her personality disorder, and Chloe told Jack that she was there for him if he ever wanted to talk. To which Jack responded, "beep... boop... beep... boop... thanks."

I have learned what will happen in the last two hours of 24 this season, as I was able to sneak into the editing room and catch a dialog between President Palmer, Jack Bauer, and the rest of the CTU gang...

JACK: Mr. President --
PALMER: Jack, when are you going to start calling me Leroy?
JACK: Mr. President, your name is not Leroy. It's David.
PALMER: Oh.
JACK: Mr. President, I have you on speaker phone. Is that pansy Frenchman around?
PALMER: You mean President Logan?
JACK: You can call him that if you must.
PALMER: He's in the bathroom.
JACK: Good. Mr. President, as you know, the nuke-u-lar warhead acquired by Marwan and his team has been launched.
PALMER: True. It's not coming for Washington, is it? If it is, I'ma hitch a ride to Texas.
JACK: Texas, sir?
PALMER: I like Mexican food.
JACK: It's not headed for Washington. We haven't yet been able to determine its course, but we do know that it is going either north or south.
PALMER: Can you be more specific.
MICHELLE: Mr. President, this is Michelle Dessler.
SP TONY: Mr. President, she means Michelle Almeda.
MICHELLE: I never took your name.
SP TONY: You should have. It's way cooler than Dessler. Dessler, Dessler, Michelle's a wrestler. See? Too easy to make fun of.
MICHELLE: Almeda, Almeda, works for Al Queda.
CHLOE [scowling]: Mrs. Almeda, terrorism is not a laughing matter. I just killed a terrorist. Cap'd him good.
PALMER [clearing throat]: Kids, do you have anything to tell me?
MICHELLE: Yes, Mr. President. The nuclear missile was launched about 23 minutes and [beep... boop... beep... boop] 47 seconds ago. From somewhere not near L.A.
PALMER: Anything I don't know? Chloe?
...
PALMER: Chloe?
JACK: Mr. President, Chloe left the war room to follow up on a lead.
EDGAR: I can give you some information, Mr. President.
PALMER: Go ahead, Mr... Mr...
EDGAR: Edgar Styles, sir... Mr. President, the nuclear reactor meltdown... my mother was in the contaminated zone and committed suicide.
PALMER: I'm terribly sorry. But how does this information help us stop the attack?
EDGAR: Actually, Mr. President, it doesn't. But I haven't even been allowed to go to the bathroom, and my mother died.
PALMER: I'm sorry, Mr. Styles, I'm not following...
JACK: What Edgar is trying to say, Mr. President, is that he's a little unstable.
PALMER: May I speak to someone who is stable?
AUDREY: I uuuuuuuused to be staaaable, siiiiirrrrrrrrr.
PALMER: Who is speaking?
AUDREY: It's meeeeeeee, Audrey Raines, wife of a dead man, daughter of the Secretary of War, mistress of a man who isn't my husband, all-around whiny, homely slut. Oh, and sister of a man we've forgotten all about.
PALMER: Jack? Can you take control of your war room?
CHLOE [busting through the door]: Mr. President, as the only person at CTU, except maybe Jack, who is actually qualified to speak in your presence, I have determined the destination of the nuclear warhead.
JACK: Chloe, is this true?
CHLOE: I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true, Jack. Sometimes I wonder if maybe your dead wife and now defunct girlfriend affect your ability to work. Oh. Almost forgot your idiot daughter. But you know, if you ever want to talk, sometime when I'm not doing your job and killing terrorists, I'm always here for you. [scowl]
CURTIS: Hi, everyone. Curtis here. I'm one bad man, you don't wanna mess with me.
PALMER: Curtis, what information do you have about the current threat?
CURTIS: None, sir. I just want to note that Chloe is looking fine today, and I love shooting guns.
PALMER: Thank you, Mr... Curtis. Chloe, what can you tell me?
LOGAN [entering room in very effeminate French fashion]: Haaaayyyyy, everybody!! Did I miss anything exciting?
PALMER: The nuclear warhead has been launched. Chloe is just about to tell us the destination.
LOGAN [running away]: Noooo!!! Everyone take cover!! I surrender!!
PALMER: I apologize for that idiot. He served in Vietnam, by the way.
CHLOE: Mr. President, if you don't mind, I have information concerning national security, which I think is more important than whatever you might be talking about.
PALMER: Go ahead, Chloe.
BUCHANAN: Mr. President, before Chloe starts, I just want you to know that I don't serve a whole lot of purpose here.
CHLOE: Good. You're fired.
BUCHANAN: Chloe, I'm your boss. You can't fire me.
CHLOE: Yeah? [pulls out a 1911, chambers a round, points it at Buchanan]
JACK: Chloe, what are you doing?
AUDREY: Yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh, what are you dooooooooinnnnngggg? I want my daddy.
BUCHANAN: I see your point. I'll just have a seat.
CHLOE: You do that. And no one else interrupt me! Except maybe Jack, but only because I offered to listen to his woes.
PALMER: Chloe?
CHLOE: Mr. President. The nuclear warhead has been launched on a direct path north.
PALMER: Destination?
CHLOE: Canada.
PALMER: Canada?
SP TONY: Canada?
MICHELLE: Canada?
EDGAR: What's Canada?
BUCHANAN: Canada?
CHLOE: I thought I fired you.
AUDREY: Caaaaaaanadaaaaaa?
CURTIS [bored]: Canada.
JACK: Chloe. Canada?
CHLOE: Yes. Canada. Remember I get a raise when all of this is over.
JACK: Chloe. Are you sure.
CHLOE: Saskatchewan. And I'm always sure.
JACK: Mr. President, thank you for your time. I'm going home, I need a nap.

SENATOR BIDEN: We'll now bring in the next witness to testify about John Bolton's behavior. Will you please identify yourself.

AGENT JACK BAUER: My name is Jack Bauer, and I work for CTU in Los Angeles.

BIDEN: And you have met with John Bolton before?

BAUER: I have encountered him on numerous occasions. Most were not noteworthy, but one sticks in my mind. I’ll try to describe the events to you as they occurred in real time. I had detained a suspect and was in the middle of breaking his fingers to get information out of him...

BAUER: As I was in the middle of questioning the suspect, John Bolton approached me and spoke to me in a very angry manner.

BOXER: Did he raise his voice at you?

BAUER: No, but it was obvious he was angry from... well... his mannerisms.

BIDEN: Such as...

BAUER: Well... he had his hands on his hips. He looked angry.

BIDEN: And what happened next?

BAUER: I just couldn't take it. I was so distraught that I went home and took the rest of the day off, leaving my suspect handcuffed to a radiator.

BOXER: Talking to subordinates in such a way! This is unbelievable! How can we release this loose cannon on the U.N.?

BIDEN: Let's have our next witness. Could you please state your name and occupation, miss.

AGENT SYDNEY BRISTOW: My name is Sydney Bristow. I used to work for SD6, a terrorist organization that I was fooled into believing was part of the CIA. Then I actually worked for the CIA and helped bring down SD6 from the inside. I continued as an agent for the CIA until I woke up in Hong Kong and couldn't remember the past two years. Then...

BIDEN: Excuse me, but we don't need your life story. Suffice to say you are an intelligence agent, and you had encountered John Bolton before.

BRISTOW: Yes, on one occasion. During my career, I have been shot, beaten, betrayed by my own mother, but nothing compares (sobbing) to John Bolton. (continues sobbing)

BOXER: Take your time, but please tell us the story.

BRISTOW: I was tasked to retrieve an artifact in Burma. Things went wrong, though, and the mission was a failure. I retreated to my hotel where I ran into John Bolton in the hallway. He demanded answers from me, and I was not in the mood so I started to walk away. That's when he (sobbing) …when he chased me and... and... threw things at me.

MI6 AGENT JAMES BOND: Bond... James Bond. Agent 007... license to kill. I work for MI6 in London.

BIDEN: And you have often shared intelligence with America?

BOND: Yes, I have many times worked with the Americans.

BIDEN: And one of those times involved John Bolton?

BOND: Correct. I'll never forget that 'stache. We were meeting in a bar to talk about an incident that both our governments were working on, and he offered to get drinks. I asked for a martini... shaken, not stirred. He soon returned with the drinks. Once I took a sip of the martini, it was apparent that it was prepared by... stirring.

BOXER: Unbelievable!

BOND: Now, usually a bartender will prepare a martini by shaking even if you don't ask, so he most likely asked for it to be stirred just to slight me!

BIDEN: If Bolton treats foreign agents in such a manner, how can we expect him to work with the U.N.? So, Mr. Bond, what was the direct result of this? ...Bond? ...Bond? ...Mr. Bond, could you please stop trying to seduce Agent Bristow for a moment and finish describing the incident?

BOND: Oh, yes, certainly. Needless to say, I was unable to finish my drink. My feelings were so hurt by what he had done that I ran to my hotel room, curled up in a fetal position on my bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. Afterwards, I cheered myself up by making love to three beautiful women.

BOXER: Understandable.

BIDEN: Mr. Bolton, do you have a response to any of the atrocities these intelligence agents have detailed?

Despite the fun I had with you today regarding the sale of the imao.us domain name to a group of Japanese investors, I wasn't kidding yesterday when I noted that I had made a big deal for the imao website. I'm proud to announce that my first book has just been picked up for publication!

What is the subject matter, you may ask? Well, you all know that I'm passionate about the conservative movement and political humor. But, you likley aren't aware of another cause that is near and dear to my heart . . .

Most people don't know that human breastmilk is the best food for kittens and contains the right amount of nutrients, in the right proportions, for the growing cat. A living, biological fluid, it contains many unique components, including lactoferrin for optimal absorption of iron and protection of the gut from harmful bacteria; lipases to assist in digestion of fats; and special growth factors and hormones that contribute to optimal feline growth and development. Furthermore, what's good for kittens is good for cat owners! Breastfeeding kittens is a joyful and relaxing experience that has been shown to lower blood pressure and bring on a sense of peace and tranquility. It's also a boon for the pocketbook--you fellow cat owners know how fast the cost of kitten chow and whole milk adds up!

Now you too can learn about the joys of breastfeeding kittens by purchasing a copy of my new book in the imao.us store:

And don't stop with the book--why don't you also purchase one of my new t-shirts to help spread the good word about kitten breastfeeding.

IMAO Exclusive! More actual* IM logs from the Blackberry owned by the left's favorite terrorist.

OBL: Wassup Johnny?
PrettyJohnny: Well, O, I'm still out of work.
OBL: At least you aren't LIVING IN A [BLEEP]ING CAVE, like SOME PEOPLE I know.
PrettyJohnny: Hey now, O, baby, You KNOW things would be different if the bad hair twins hadn’t stolen the election.
OBL: yeah, yeah, I know, I know, you and Flip did what you could. But this whole running for my life, cave living deal, well, sorta sucks.
PrettyJohnny: It's probably just a matter of time though.
OBL: Till what? They catch me? Have you heard something??
PrettyJohnny: No you silly-sally. till I'LL be living in a cave too. I'm out of work and I'm still having to keep myself up, y'know.
OBL: Of course, its your Allah-given right to be pretty. But Johnny, you wouldn't make it three minutes in a cave.

PrettyJohnny: My senate chambers were pretty small.
OBL: not the close quarters, the rats.
PrettyJohnny: rats?
OBL: Yeah, cave rats, big, hungry, smelly and believe me, I know from smelly.
OBL: they LOVE the scent of makeup, witchhazel and expensive imported exfoliating creams.
PrettyJohnny: don’t we all.
OBL: they'd be all over you like Flip on an issue.
PrettyJohnny: Wow.
OBL: They're crazy and near impossible to pin down.
PrettyJohnny: well, I've got to be cutting back on the treatments anyway.
OBL: NOOO! Johnny, you can’t, you're so smooth and pretty and refined and……smooth. You're my preciousss.
PrettyJohnny: Got to. My hair care bill alone is over $125 grand a month. Breck girl, nothing. I wouldn't use Breck on my poodle.
PrettyJohnny: seriously
OBL: well, I never really got into the whole metro thing like you, Flip and the Dean.
PrettyJohnny: You're lucky, the natural look like sooo totally works for you. But you don't EVEN want to see what I look like in the morning. I'm a hideous freakish mess.
OBL: Maybe I do.
PrettyJohnny: Takes me over two hours just to shower and put on my face and style my hair.
OBL: Maybe I want to see you in the morning.
OBL: Maybe I would like to help make you messy.
PrettyJohnny: Aaaanyway
PrettyJohnny: the imported kangaroo sweat extract infused shampoo I use is super pricey but it gives my hair the fabulous body AND shine everybody's come to expect.
OBL: Very messy.
PrettyJohnny: Between that and the frequent 'cures, and spa-cations , my lawyering money is just about all gone.
OBL: 'cures?
PrettyJohnny: pedi, mani, recti (don't ask)
OBL: Sorry about the cash situation but you Don’t have to be rich, to be my girl I take back what I said about you not 'making it' in a cave.
OBL: my cave anyway.
OBL: you there?
PrettyJohnny: I'm here
OBL: I did it again, didn't I?
PrettyJohnny: Yes, you're coming on to me AGAIN. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered but frankly it makes me very uncomfortable.
PrettyJohnny: you KNOW I'm already in a committed relationship.
OBL: I know, I'm SORRY.
PrettyJohnny: Plus, I'm also married to Elizabeth!
OBL: It's the cave and the rats! They plays tricksss with my mind and my masculinity. I can't help it. But I'll try be good.
PrettyJohnny: uh huh, well ok.
PrettyJohnny: hang on a sec
OBL : k
PrettyJohnny: I hear Elizabeth, my WIFE, calling me. She thinks I'm on careerbuilder.com.
OBL: oooh! Sneaky AND precioussss
PrettyJohnny: heh. brb
OBL: k
PrettyJohnny: She said I need to go downstairs to sign for this $10,000 crate of kangaroo sweat that customs just cleared. Did I mention I'm making my own shampoo now?
OBL: you GO, grrrlfriend,
OBL: you're worth it.
PrettyJohnny has signed off.
OBL: wellllllllll, crap

Remember friends, OBL's Hacked Blackberry excerpts are an IMAO Exclusive! No one else would subject you to this.

That's right, Bin Laden sent a message to Zarqawi to attack America and we intercepted it. But thats not all the intel we scored.

Here is an actual* IM Log recovered from Osama's Blackberry.

OBL: Wassup Mikey?
MM: I'm really bummed. Not even getting one nomination! I thought Hollywood hated Bush and America as much as we do, O. That [bleep]ing Jesus movie even got nominated for...something.
OBL: WT[B]! Really? Nominated for what?
MM: Ehh, I don't know. best miracle or something. I'm too upset right now to find out.
OBL: Make no sense, f911 had it all, Bush, a goat, monetary backing from Hezbollah. It was the total package.
MM: I don't wanna talk about it.
OBL: Hey pal, you ok?
MM: Got no appetite, weight's down to like 405.
OBL: Mikey, your fasting pains of rejection will be replaced with the glory of jihad! I just sent word to our buddy Zarky baby and trust me, those academy infidels AND Bush will soon roast like the pigs they are in a glorious hickory fired open pit of doom.
MM: Mmmm. thanks O, You know just what to say. BRB, suddenly got the urge for some BBQ.
MM: No offense.
OBL: Hey, none taken, I'll just save the cannibalism joke for later.
MM: LOL!
MM: O, you're incorrigible!
OBL: Heh, sorry, too easy, You were WIIIIIDE open for that one.
MM: O!
OBL: You backed right into it [beep] [beep] [beep]
MM: O! Be nice. you how sensitive I am about my figure. You were the one who told me dark colors were slimming.
OBL: Oh yeah.
OBL: Sorry.
MM: Sokay. TTYL.
OBL: Still going to get BBQ?
OBL: ?
OBL: Mike?
MM: No.
OBL: Why not?
MM has signed off.

Seems that Doug Wead, who recently exposed Bush's deepest, darkest secrets by violating his trust, secretly taping him, then selling the tapes for crack money, (AS SEEN EXCLUSIVELY AT IMAO!!! MUST CREDIT!!!) has released new tapes of a private conversation with John Kerry. Below is a just a small portion of the entire shocking transcript:

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!! CREDIT!!! CREDIT NOW!!!

WEAD: George Bush has gone on record as having murdered hookers. Where do YOU stand on this issue?

KERRY: Unlike my opponent, who murdered hookers, I never murdered any hookers while serving in Viet Nam. Well, except for that one time, but since it was a 15-year-old boy, he was technically a gigolo and NOT a hooker. So you see, Weadster, my position on murdering hookers has been consistent throughout this campaign, unlike my opponent, who LIED about murdering hookers in order to deceive the American people into an illegal and unjust war in Iraq to line the pockets of his hooker-murdering oil-buddies at Halliburton.

WEAD: So... then you're opposed to murdering hookers?

KERRY: Now, Weadmeister, I never said that. That is not at all what I said. What I said - and what I have always said - is that I support - and Wead-o-Rama, I have held a single consistent position on this issue from day one - I support a woman's right to choose whether - as a hooker - she should be murdered or not. I simply don't believe that it's the role of the Federal government to decide for a hooker whether or not she can be murdered.

WEAD: So... you're in favor of murdering hookers?

KERRY: Now, Wead-o-licious, it IS true that certain unscrupulous members of the right-wing media have twisted my words around to try to suit their own radical agenda. Of course I'd like to see more murdered hookers - especially Vietnamese ones with their sexy brown legs driving you crazy with lust as you sweat in the jungle heat - but the American people need a leader who will tell the truth, and come clean with the real reasons we rushed to war in Iraq. The American people deserve to know whether their President served in Viet Nam, where we did NOT rush to war or steal oil or target innocent civilians or guilty reporters.

WEAD: So... what were we talking about?

KERRY: You're SO easily confused, Wead-whacker. That's why I like you. You're funny. Like a clown. You amuse me. And I promise that if I am elected President, I will implement my plan to murder more hookers than George W. Bush.

Seems that Doug Wead, who recently exposed Bush's lying perfidy with the release of secret tapes of private conversations (AS SEEN EXCLUSIVELY AT IMAO!!! MUST CREDIT!!!) has released new tapes of a private conversation with Howard Dean. Below is a just a small portion of the entire juicy transcript:

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

WEAD: So, Howard, George Bush has gone on record as having murdered hookers, thus co-opting the issue for the Republican Party. As the new chairman of the DNC, how do you plan to respond?"

DEAN: We're going to murder hookers in South Carolina! And Oklahoma! And Arizona! And North Dakota! And New Mexico!

And we're going to chop them into little pieces in California! And Texas! And New York!

And we're going to stuff them into wood-chippers in South Dakota! And Oregon! And Washington! And Michigan!

And then we're going to bring an orgy of bloody mayhem to Washington, D.C.! Where we'll murder hookers IN THE WHITE HOUSE!... YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

In the Saturday NYTimes, Doug Wead revealed he had taped a conversation with the then to be President George W. Bush. The most famous excerpt form that conversation probably is this:

I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions. You know why? Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried.

Only IMAO has gotten its hands on the tapes to show the quote in its full context.

WHAT FOLLOWS IS AN IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

BUSH: Now, Gore gave an answer, Weadie, but I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions. You know why? Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried. It's the same reason I never talk about how I murdered hookers. I don't want kids to start thinking you're supposed to murder hookers after you’ve finished your business with them.

WEAD: So you're not going to say anything about how wild your life was before you became a born-again Christian?

BUSH: No, I don't think that will help anyone. Let's say I told everyone how I tried to assassinate the pope - and people do crazy things when they're young - but, if I did admit to that, then some kid is going to say, "Hey, the president tried to assassinate the pope; I guess it's okay for me to try." Who wants that, Weadnik? It's like when I murdered DEA agents and ran drugs for a Columbian drug lord, I would occasionally "sample" the product. I'm not going to talk about that. I don't want kids to point to the president and think its okay to steal from drug lords like that; if I were as wise as I am now, I would honor that contract and deliver all the drugs entrusted to me. That's the principles I want kids to get from me.

WEAD: What about things people are already talking about, like possible gaps in your National Guard service?

BUSH: Sure, Weadie, as most people suspect, I did go AWOL from the National Guard, had my face surgically altered to make me look Asian, and then fought along side the Viet Cong. I won't be like Gore, though, and just nonchalantly admit to it, because I don't want kids copying me. It's not like I'm trying to hide anything; it's just it would break my heart to see faux-Asian Communists out there because kids are imitating me.

From a reputable source, I got these quotes from the voting floor of the Senate while Alberto Gonzales was being voted on:

Hillary Clinton: "I've been against Mexicans ever since my husband banged every single illegal immigrant maid we ever hired!"

Byrd: "Hispanics! I almost hate them as much as ni... What do you mean 'shut up'?"

Obama: "The white man and the black man are equal in the eyes of God... but the Latino is an inferior race!"

Kennedy: "We need more Latinos dying in Iraq, not serving in cabinets!"

Kerry: "I just hate the name 'Gonzales'! His brother speedy stole all the cheese from my factory and hurt my cat Sylvester! And, even though I lost the election, I still served in Vietnam!"

Reid: "While I was in Searchlight, a young boy came up to me with a skateboard under his arm saying, 'When I grow up, I want to hate Mexicans as much as you.' I told him that will take lots of effort such as this vote today."

Boxer: "I have to deal with those damn Latinos in my state all the time; I don't want them in Washington too!"

So, it's clear that the vote against Gonzales was only because Democrats hate all Latinos.

It has been reported to me by credible sources that, to show her commitment to homeland security, Nancy Pelosi is now patrolling San Francisco with a shotgun shouting, "If you want to terrorize this country, you have to get through me!"

An area man was heard to react, "Can you believe the dress she is wearing? Oh, and those shoes! Hellooooo!"

I have heard from reliable sources that Howard Dean is no longer seeking the DNC chair as he claims his back hurts too much. Instead, Dean plans to spend the next couple years skiing.

Others say that the real reason Dean is backing off is that the DNC would not approve his proposed bike path, causing him to angrily drop out of the Democratic Party.

I tried getting a comment from Dean on this issue, but the only response I got was this.

HUGE NEWS!!! CREDIT IMAO!!!

Seriously, isn't it great to have Howard Dean to kick around again? I had all these plans for "The Misadventures of Howie and Skeeter" back when it looked like he was going to be the Democrat nominee, and now I have reason to use them. Come on, Dean; do some more crazy! We're waiting!

I just found out from a reliable source that Wisconsin has been taken over by ninjas. This has not been picked up by the national press as people don't pay much attention to Wisconsin. Their ninja warlord leader, Seikazu, led his warriors into Wisconsin this morning and easily defeated Wisconsin's sole defense, the Green Bay Packers. Seikazu then marched into the Capitol building, defeated Governor Doyle in a short battle, and then declared Doyle's kung fu to be "weak" before he finished off the governor with his patented flying dragon kick.

What the further plans of the ninjas are is unknown. I recommend everyone check a map and see if your state is next to Wisconsin.

I have just heard from the fire marshal in D.C. that Senator Ted Kennedy has been banned from the Capitol since the size of his head violates fire safety regulations. The marshal also had to add, "Kennedy is a big fat drunk and I hate him."

Right after the ruling, Kennedy was fished from a nearby river to get a response. Those who heard him said his immediate reaction was a bunch of incoherent mumblings with a thick Bostonian accent.

What's it with Michelle Malkin and all her exclusives? I want exclusives! You lazy readers need to e-mail me news tips.

Then again, that would take me reading e-mails and maybe responding to them...

Oh! I'll just make stuff up!

* * * *

IMAO EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT IMAO!

SECRET GROUP FORMED TO OPPOSE WHITE HOUSE NOMINEES!

IMAO has just received an exclusive memo through an exclusive source that is quite exclusive. Apparently, it confirms the existence of a special group formed by Senator Byrd to oppose some White House nominees and has as members other prominent Democrats such as Senatorette Boxer and Senator Kennedy. The name of the group is the Kongressional Konfirmation Kabal. Here is the memo as written by Senator Byrd and dated November 31st, 2004:

It is our duty as public servants to ensure that all members of the Bush administration are restricted to people of the white race. We know that Bush wishes to promote his negress and give the Attorney General to a Latino, and this we must stop! My initial thought were that we oppose Condoleezza Rice on grounds of her being a black woman and oppose Alberto Gonzales for being too Mexican, but it seems the opinion of the group that we need further reasons to argue against them. Thus, we should meet in secret again to discuss this. Remember to wear your costumes to hide your identities. Also, I remind you that our budget is small, so member Teddy must be more careful not to vomit on his sheets after his afternoon drinking binges. The number of king size sheets sewn together it takes to cover him are expensive to replace. That is all.

Hail Lord Voldemort!

I'm not sure what all of this means, but I bet it's big big big! Remember to credit IMAO!