My belief has been that my very survival was threatened if I spoke my mind, spoke the truth, or was my authentic myself. To me, survival can be just getting by, not feeling fulfilled, or not experiencing success from within.

Perhaps it is as we’ve heard said by many people…”I spoke up about the giant elephant in the room that everyone knew was there, but everyone is afraid to mention, and I was shamed for it.” Or maybe, it’s the fact that I saw something and spoke it as truth…for example, if I made a statement “the sky is blue” and someone said, “No Maria, the sky is red” (ok at sunset it is). If that type of thing happens again and again, a child with that type of conditioning will most certainly doubt what they see. And that potentially continues into adulthood. One thing I know for certain, feelings don’t lie and intuition knows truth. Feelings may be exaggerated if they trigger past repressed or suppressed pain, but my body knows truth. In fact, the practice of kinesiology (muscle testing) shows the body’s energy field expands with a “Yes” answer and contracts with a “No” answer. Your body’s intelligence knows truth, trust it.

How this has impacted my life…

I felt if I expressed what I felt, thought, or observed about someone who was covering up something (whether a lie or their insecurity), that my very survival would be threatened. Love would be taken away. So I learned the best thing to do was to shut up and keep quiet. I held my voice back, I didn’t want to rock the boat; I doubted what I felt and thought I saw. I took on shame and guilt and thought it was mine. I repressed anger because I knew what happened was wrong, but I believed I was the problem. I felt unworthy and wrong.

I began to deny, block, and repress what I felt. I thought what I was feeling must be wrong and began to doubt myself and what I felt. I don’t have many memories from before being a teenager, about age thirteen. I have few memories and they are fragmented. I allowed people to manipulate, coerce, intimidate, and bully me because I thought I was the problem.

I believed love would be withheld if I spoke up and all care would be cut off. I felt my very survival depended on keeping quiet. What I felt would be manipulated or twisted. I would be told I was wrong and that I was the problem.

I believed I was deprived of love and nurturing care, and from that I learned to deprive myself. I’d hide myself. I thought I was wrong or the problem. I tried desperately to win back other’s approval, to smooth things over, to fix the “problem” I thought I created. I felt ostracized, isolated, alone, terrified. I kept other people’s toxic secrets. I felt other’s behaviors were my fault and I was responsible for them. I thought intimidation and bullying were normal. I backed down for fear of being alone, isolated, not loved, and terrified that my very security would be threatened. I merely survived. I suppressed all my self expression. My opinions about life and what I felt were filled with self doubt. I felt if I upset someone, I didn’t deserve love and they would leave, abandon me, or threaten my very security. I believe others could take what I had and I had no rights. I was powerless and helpless. I never allowed myself to express myself. I apologized or was always sorry because I thought “things” were my fault. I’ve been told so in dysfunctional relationships. I blamed myself, criticized and judged myself, for not being or reacting perfectly and upsetting someone else. I repressed anger because I didn’t think I had the right to get angry. I thought I was the problem. I didn’t trust myself. I had no boundaries. I couldn’t say no.

The good news is that I’m getting better every day. Each day, more of this pattern is revealed to me. I’ve learned and am continuing to learn as a result of all these experiences. This pattern has played itself out in my life again and again. Through my awareness, more is revealed to me little by little. I feel so much better about myself and it comes from within, not outside of myself. My life has been, as I’ve said, my journey to genuine self-confidence. My confidence comes from my ever-deepening connection to my higher power and from acceptance of what I’ve done or haven’t done in my life. As confidence grows, I accept all of me and know that as long as I continue my spiritual practice, I’ll always be taken care of. Then these messages, beliefs, and patterns I’ve learned transform into positive messages about myself. I trust what I feel and through each experience, I trust myself more. Life gives me more opportunities to dissipate the energy of these beliefs every day. And as I allow the repressed emotions to reveal themselves, as I sit with them, care for myself, let them be and fully accept them, I change and grow. Life becomes more satisfying and fulfilling every moment.

I’m certainly not saying I don’t ever feel or think these things anymore; I do, but can begin to watch them and know they aren’t me.

Life continues to bring me that which dissolves my own self-imposed limitations, thereby allowing me to be in my natural state of freedom and love as I am truly only ever bound by my mind and unresolved emotions.

The best way in which I have discovered to resolve them is to watch them, feel them, and let them be ok. I also talk about them with people I genuinely feel safe with, write about them, and surrender them to my higher power. Once I am able to accept them, they cease to have power over me and I am in my natural state of freedom and love once again.

Often there are gifts and talents buried beneath our pain. Once I go through the emotional pain I’ve repressed – feel it, watch it, breathe into it – I discover so much of myself through this process. In fact, writing my blog, sharing my voice and experiences came from going into a deep pain within me. The deeper I go, the more I discover. It’s endless. Writing pours out of me and more gifts reveal themselves every day. I’m grateful for all the pain and my many “teachers” along the way.

“Teachers” show up in all sorts of packages. We learn about ourselves through our relationships. Teachers can show up simply as someone “rude” in the grocery store or as my kitty Trax misbehaving, or they can be deep and profound connections, either seemingly positive or negative.

Our families of origin are where we pattern much of our childhood conditioning from. Life offers us many great teachers from our families. My focus has always been on “fixing” relationships. . I realize it’s not about my family of origin; it’s about me and my childhood conditioning, and how those patterns are reflected back to me in my life now. Now, my focus is on being okay with me and the part I played in any experience I’ve had. While I deeply love my family, many great spiritual teachers have said something to the extent of…if you think you’re truly enlightened, spend a week with your family. Many old conditioned patterns become activated. It takes extreme focus to stay present at this time.

I’ve had several intense relationships in my life that mirrored patterns I experienced from my childhood conditioning. I believed money was something that shouldn’t be talked about. As a woman, I was “less than” and shouldn’t make as much money as a man. I should be subservient to a man. It’s not safe to express myself, my feelings and what I think, my opinion. What I want doesn’t matter. Love is conditional. Money is used as a means to control, manipulate and humiliate.I’m not okay, I’m the “problem” and many more. I don’t actually recall these messages being spoken out loud, they were underlying and I’ve carried them with me for some time. I’m continuously in the process of questioning and unraveling these messages through the work I do and my spiritual path.

I’ve often under earned for my skill level and qualifications. Or if I am paid well, I limit how often I am paid well. I’ve put myself last in many of my closest relationships, instead putting others first. I am last on the list.

I’ve had a handful of relationships, really intense, life changing relationships that I continue to work through. Those relationships taught me. As I go deeper within the repressed pain of them, lessons surface – ways in which I’ve been self destructive, ways I’ve limited myself, and ways I’ve practiced patterns of lack and deprivation. These “teachers” changed my life. I continue to go deeply into my pain and “darkness”; I continue to see more of who I am. What was too painful to remember or I didn’t know how to handle from my childhood conditioning showed up in these relationships.

In my process of recovery, I delight in discovering and allowing more of who I am each day. These relationships really showed me how I truly felt about myself through making visible the ways I allowed myself to be treated. They showed me my level of esteem and self worth, or lack of. I am no longer in these relationships, but am still healing from them little by little. I continuously go deeper within, discovering more of Maria and setting her free!

It’s intense…and completely empowering. I’ve become in a sense, fearless through this process. I am grateful for these “teachers” showing me my limitations so I can bring them into the light of my consciousness.