My life is an endless stretch of unforeseen, predictable, tumultuous and incredible events. Some things I can't control, some things I can, I make decisions and I take actions. And here I can look at it all.

Clever Darling

To attempt to describe how I feel is entirely impossible. But for the sake of catharsis it's worth a try.
On the one hand, there is the fact that I am now definitely, absolutely, unstoppably, going to Oxford University. The expectation and joy that produces are huge. To have finally achieved what I've been working towards for years is wonderful.
On the other hand, I've lost my relationship, the person I have loved for over two years, my best friend, and thus the person I would normally take comfort in when things go wrong. So not only do I have to deal with the immeasurable pain of not being with D anymore, I have to deal with it almost entirely alone because of my own reluctance to make friends with anybody who is short of fantastic. I feel empty, miserable and alone. The emotional pain of this completely outweighs the thought of October, although presently I think that's all that's keeping me together. To know that I can't call, or text, or speak to, no more waking up in the morning with arms around me, nobody to cuddle up to on the sofa. Everywhere I look there are reminders, although I've put all the photos and the scrapbook of tickets and memories away so I don't have to look at them. My pets remind me of you, because you gave me my rabbit. My clothes remind me of you because I never buy them without your approval. My room reminds me of you because of all the time we've spent together there. My bed. I don't know what to do. I know that in time, when I start university and I'm busy again, I will probably be ok. But right now all I can do is sit at home and think about how you're not there and it's the worst I've ever felt about anything. There's no chance this time of it all coming out ok and this being just a little fight. I'm leaving and you don't want me anymore. That's it. I'll never visit your house to be jumped all over by your enthusiastic dogs again. I'll never call or text you late at night to make sure you're home safe again. I'll never kiss you again. Never hold you. Never lie next to you stroking your back and shoulders. Never nestle into the part of your shoulder that just seems to fit me perfectly. Every comforting, social part of my life has been ripped away with your loss. Not only that, but I have to live alone now knowing that you are out there, with other people, having fun, maybe finding someone else to love. Someone else that will be captivated by your charm, your smile, maybe they'll see something in you that's trapped underneath, like I did, and try to help you get it out. The trouble is, you don't want it to come out. You don't ever want to grow up, to take responsibility, to do anything seriously. You want to live like a child forever. You want to drink, to smoke, to party, and to do very little else. The fact that you look like a man on the outside has, I suppose, tricked me into treating you like one. Loving you like one. But that's not right, it doesn't fit you. And now I have to deal with the consequences of my mistake.

Why do Scottish students get their results a full two weeks before us, even if they're applying to English universities? Oh right, so they can start gathering all the money from our taxes that they use to make their education free. B*^£$%&s.

I'm contemplating entering a competition that will award £15000 to 8 winners. You have to be starting uni this year, and you have to submit a 90 second video explaining what you would do with the money to 'make your mark'. It would be amazing to have that sort of money to work with a human rights charity, particularly one dealing with mutilation and abuse of women. I'm not sure that I want to make that sort of commitment during uni though. I'm certainly not going to apply until after results day. The deadline is the 15th September so there's plenty of time. We'll see.

So I got a job, just for two weeks, but it paid so well I bought a new laptop and I'm still set for the rest of the summer moneywise. And they want me back next year, so woooo.

The biggest thing I achieved today was ordering some tea. Yes, I may be addicted to assorted teas again, but can we really call that a problem? There's a drought in Africa and nobody has any privacy anymore and you're going to worry about my tea addiction? Really. Anyway, so I bought this today: http://www.teapigs.co.uk/product/tea/Cheeky+deals-tea/piglet+cheeky and I am pretty damn excited.

I'm going away to stay with family for ten days as of the 7th, which I hope will reduce my pre-results day tension. It will also assist me in reading a great deal, since there's nothing to do at my nan's, but I have to stay with her for a couple of days at least.

D and I went to London on Tuesday to see Phantom of the Opera, that was good. We also spent the whole day in Camden beforehand. Which has in fact led to me to a problem: clothing. I spent all day out shopping and bought nothing yesterday. I want nice pretty things, godamnit! Vivien of Holloway does gorgeous hugely expensive dresses, so now I'm looking at lolita stuff, which is about half the price, but it's difficult to find things that aren't overly frilly. In the end, I'll probably go for a bit frilly anyway, screw you world.

Right now I'm thinking about food so not too creative. You never know, one day I might actually start writing interesting things again. Probably not. I've got several good creative ideas at the moment though.

So..finished my exams...Then had an end of year ball wearing an amazing dress and had quite a lot of fun. 'Cept for the catastrophe of getting home in the morning as the rents were away for the weekend.

I appear to have contracted habitual procrastination. Exams have finished, and yet, I find myself putting off simple tasks, simply because I can. It's awful, and terribly non-productive. Oh, I should empty the dishwasher. Nah, I'll do it later. Oh, I was going to scan those photos in. Nah, later. So what shall I do right now? Sit here and stare blankly into space mostly.

I should be exercising and getting fit or whatever. I should also be learning to drive, but that costs money. So I should be making money. But I have so many different little trips and holidays booked over the summer that I'd be permanently asking for time off in a job. So, I need a part time flexible job. Aside from prostitution, that pretty much leaves leaflet delivery since everyone and his jewish grandfather seem to want qualifications and insurance for everything, right down to babysitting and dogwalking.

Errr...life since I last posted....I got my January exam results. Got mah A in my Maths A level. Only by four marks, but shush you. Also got 92% and 100% in my English and Philosophy resits respectively. Check me out. So yeah. That was quite nice. Of course the college screwed up and released the results about 15 hours early via the intranet, so that was lovely.

What else...you can tell my life is fascinating. Oh, I went to Alton Towers. That was fun, I bought a teddy bear. There have been a few parties, picnics and whatnot. D and I bought tickets for the Secret Garden Party (a music festival) then D promptly realised we could theoretically make loads of money from them and decided to sell them. Then the buyer fell through. Grr. So they're up for sale on ebay now, with no bidders at all and only a day and a half left on the auction:S

In other news, my A2 exams are nearly over. I had English Lit today (2 questions about women, win) and finished Classics yesterday with Roman History, so I just have Philosophy Monday and Wednesday next week. The thing that bugs me is that I also have two maths exams on Monday morning that I don't want to do. They're a waste of my time, thanks to bitch tutor as per usual. I just hope I don't screw up Philosophy an hour later as a result.

I was going to work at a language school over the summer but the job is gone now so that kind of fell through...I do intend to go swimming lots, read craploads, write loads because I rather miss writing of my own free will (thank you three essay subjects) and do...well...I'm not sure what else really. I'm sure things will come up.

They certainly won't be things with me 'friends'. I don't know what happened. One day everything was fine except for this one girl was ignoring me, now I find I'm not invited to any social events etc and I've basically lost touch with the whole group. Over the space of about three weeks. I just don't get what I did to make this girl hate me so much. Not that it matters. I have D, and a couple of good friends, and that's enough at least until uni.

Ah uni. I still don't really let myself think about it too much. Until I get those results...after last year I'm wary of exam results day. I don't know what I'll do if I don't make it now. I don't think I could stand going to Reading, or going through the whole process all over again. Throw it all in and just be a teacher or something.

I will have more to say in the not too distant future. And her majesty may make a reappearance on Salad Days, she's been collecting press shots for a while now.

Going to Oxford for my interview was like a massive drug fuelled session or something. I took mum down on the coach so we could go shopping for the day before I booked into the college, hoping to chill out a bit. Then as soon as I was in St John's (OMG THIS PLACE IS A CASTLE, MY ROOM IS IN A TOWER etc etc) I was leaving again, headed for an internet cafe because they'd neglected to tell us that the uni operates on intranet, not wifi. Made friends with a girl from Texas interviewing for History. She'd never seen snow. It snowed the next morning, but she was sleeping. Typical Americans.

Anyway. So I also met this guy called Hitesh interviewing for Law, from Leeds. Never met anyone quite so nervous about anything. But I get on pretty well with him, still talk to him.

The interviews themselves were, well, pathetic really. The first one was literally just a question read out loud and discussed. It was a nurse, who had a contract that said she had to work 40 hours a week, but may be required to work up to 70 hours. She'd been working 60+ hours a week for ages and was suffering for depression and exhaustion. Can she complain about breach of contract. Discuss. BORING!!! Anyway, second one was similar, one tutor, one post grad in each interview. This one was basically explain how you'd set up a committee to investigate human cloning. I was deathly concerned when they finished: everyone I spoke to had said more or less the same thing, and how on earth were they going to discriminate between me and that really stupid girl applying for Law and French? She spent the entire interview period chasing after some Irish guy who was studying Arabic. Blegh.

So with the disappointing company and lacking interviews, I wasn't feeling great on Friday after sitting around all day Thursday waiting to see if I had another interview. Friday morning: ok, you've got another. Right, fine. It's rescheduled. Ok. It's rescheduled again. ARGH!! Anyway, I finally got over to St Anne's, where I had two case studies to read. One was a woman sueing for loss of opportunity and therefore potential earnings, and another was a man suing a doctor who had failed to diagnose a condition that would lead to him probably not living ten years. Eleven years later. Idiot. Then I went in, discussed those etc. Then I was given a situation wherein some people think they've murdered a guy, so they chuck him over a cliff. But he actually dies from exposure. Are they guilty of murder? Then a quick chat about wikileaks and information privacy, and finally a word game: redefine 'this knife is for cutting bread' as many times as you can. I had four or five. I think that impressed them. Oh, by the way, there were four of them. Four Oxford law tutors, one room, one victim.

So anyway, there's me, heading home, the coaches buggered up too. I didn't go up to York because of the crap weather. They still haven't gotten back to me actually, guess they don't want me.

22nd December - I got a letter from St John's saying they didn't want me, but I'd be hearing from another college. The letter didn't specify whether the news would be good or not, just that I was under consideration. Cue depths of misery.

23rd December - This letter is now pinned to my wall, and no matter how many times I read it I still don't quite believe it. 'St Anne's College is pleased to offer you a place to study...'. I'm going to Oxford University. Just digest that. I still haven't.

24th December - No time to rest, down to Hastings with ye for christmas. Staying in a dreary B&B owned by a cat lady and in possession of an odd odour. Christmas happens. Gifts are given, including my Kindle ebook reader, which I love with a fierce passion. I also got three bottles of champagne, including a Moet et Chandon, for getting into Oxford. That's right, Oxford.

Then there's January, what I like to call hell in a pancake. EXAMS. Ever done exams knowing that your place at Oxford depends on them? Stressed doesn't really cover it. And then as soon as they finished: English cw final deadline.

Oh, and of course, my milestone 18th birthday. We went out for a lovely dinner and...I promptly caught a serious vomiting virus. Clubbing is not an option. I am still forced to go to the family dinner in order to receive my trust fund and other expensive gifts including a steiff bunny rabbit I have named Sherlock. Incidentally, I read the entire Sherlock Holmes collection during exams.

So now it's mid february. I've got a full bank account, an offer from Oxford, healthy, myxi free bunny rabbits, a while until my next set of exams, and a holiday to a luxury villa in the woods booked for just over a weeks time. I guess things are going pretty well.