A daily struggle.

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So.. this so called intensive therapy is basically useless. I’m out of the house and I see some new people, but it’s only or another 4 weeks. It’s not even really therapy. Just a way to get through the day by playing games and such. How the hell is that going to help me stop feeling suicidal etc.? I’m dreading what’ll happen once the next 4 weeks are over and I’ll be at home again most of the time. I just can’t do this anymore.

Occasionally I see someone from the crisis team to talk, but it’s not enough. I find it hard to be completely open with them, but I’m going to try harder and write down what I want/need to discuss. Maybe that’ll help. So far they’ve only made me feel like I’m not important. I’m a waste of their precious time. Which makes me upset and angry.

Seeing my therapist again tomorrow afternoon and I’m not sure what to tell him. Things haven’t changed much. At least not in my head, not my emotions, my feelings. They won’t give me a chance to get better during inpatient program, even though I need it. They don’t care, my problems aren’t ‘bad’ enough I guess. They’ll just wait until I do kill myself and then say they never saw it coming. And even then they probably still won’t care at all.

The meeting went better than I expected. Someone from the crisis team explanied what kind of therapies I could be involved in and they don’t seem too bad. I’ll be doing those therapies in a small group, about 7 people, so that’s great. I just hope I can get along with them. I wish I could meet people who actually want to be friends with me, but doubt that’ll happen here. After those six weeks I’ll probably never see any of them again. Wish I could go inpatient, but no such luck..

I’m starting on Monday, so that’s pretty quick. I’m both excited and scared about all of this. Also, someone from the crisis team will be visiting me and my parents at home on Wednesday. Not sure what to think of that yet.

Lately I’ve been feeling worse and worse. Extremely depressed, self harming, not sleeping enough, hearing voices, suicidal thoughs. So I met with my therapist and two members of the crisis team. The meeting didn’t really go the way I hoped though unfortunately. I really need the stability of inpatient treatment, but they can’t offer me that anytime soon, thanks to the stupid government who decided less available beds is better than more. Fuckers. So now I’ve been put on a waiting list, one that is pretty long and I have absolutely no idea how long I’ll have to wait before being able to go inpatient. When I really, really need it now, more than ever. So upset about this and extremely frustrated. :(

Now they offered me some sort of acute therapy program that’s available Monday – Saturday from about 9am – 15pm, for 6 weeks. Which is a lot. Yes, I want and need to get out of the house more, be around people more, but I really fear this will be too much for me to handle. Both mentally and physically. I already said I won’t be coming in on Saturday as well. No idea what kind of therapies I’ll be getting, have my intake tomorrow. Yes, on a Satuday, so I can start on Monday. It’s all so much to handle so soon, I don’t know what to do or how to cope with this. I know I sound very ungrateful and I don’t mean to, but it’s just scaring me a lot and it’s not what I hoped for, so I feel quite disappointed right now. I’m thankful the crisis team are helping me where they can and it’s not right to get angry at them.

I also got told that they’re still not sure about my diagnosis and need to do further tests. Which will take month for those tests to even start, so I won’t get any proper treatment before that either and it’s made me really sad. I still don’t know why they didn’t just offcially stick with what they know, that I have BPD. But now they think I might have something else as well and it’s all very complex. So complex they apparantly need to change my diagnosis every year and even give me a wrong diagnosis more than once! I just don’t know what to do anymore, I really don’t. So now I’m just supposed to wait and have no treatment in the meantime? How can that possibly be of any help?! They make me want to give up..

Last week I ran into my grandparents during grocery shopping. I stopped to say hello, asked how they were, gave them a kiss. We don’t get along well and this is pretty much the only interaction we usually have. My dad was there as well and he said hi to both of his parents, but didn’t stop for a chat, because he was busy finding the food we needed. Apparently that equals us not saying anything to my grandparents/his parents. Like, wth? Now they’re making it all into a big deal, making my dad and I look bad when we haven’t even done anything wrong! They’re angry at us apparently and they talk about this to my dad’s brother for fucks sake. If they have a problem with us, they should tell us.
Anyway, part of me knows they’re overreacting and that we didn’t do anything wrong, but I still feel very guilty for not talking to them more I guess. I never visit them, because we don’t like each other, simple enough. Now they’ve made me feel guilty for that, even though they’ve repeatedly said I’m not as important and my nieces and stuff like that, which hurts me a lot. And now they blame me for not wanting to come over and feel useless. Also, I am angry at them for saying my dad didn’t talk to them, because he did. He was just budy picking stuff out and if that takes too long they run off and say we don’t want to see them. Sigh.

Trigger 2: Program about anorexia

I just watched a show about someone with anorexia and it has made me feel 10000 times worse about my weight gain. I want to be thin again. I want to be empty again. Yet at the same time I don’t. But it beats stuffing my face with everything I can find, which is so much worse than starving. It makes me want to die, it makes me want to kill myself. I HATE myself for how I’ve become. I have problems with food. I tend to eat everything in sight or barely anything at all. There is no middle ground it seems. Normal eating habits have been erased from my life and it’s upsetting. Watching this show made me feel so bad about eating anything at all.

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I wanted to punish myself for both things, which I also did and am still doing. I relapsed. I cut again for the first time in weeks and I’m not about to stop. I feel so incredibly useless and guilty. I hate myself. I hate who I am, who I’ve become.

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last wrote anything. Not just here, but in my paper journal as well. There have been so many times that I’ve wanted to write so much down, but nothing ever comes out right anymore. It’s very frustrating for me.

Things are not changing for me, yet. Therapy is pretty much non-existant lately, but it’s no use in going to be honest, because they still haven’t come up with a new diagnosis. So there’s not much they can do for me apparently. I was supposed to see my therapist and doctor yesterday, but I had to cancel because I couldn’t get there. I don’t it really matters if I see them now or not. There’s no treatment for me until I get the diagnosis anyway. Yes, I could talk about how awful I feel and how I’ve not been doing well, but I’m tired of doing just that over and over without anything ever happening to actually help me further.

I’m still going to creative therapy on Fridays, which is nice. I’ve also been doing different training session to learn more about psychosis, how to deal with overreacting etc. Which should be useful and I really hoped it would be something I can use during difficult times, but it’s all been pretty much useless unfortunately. There’s not much information at all and it’s all very superficial as well. Not in depth explanations on how to use what we learn (which is very little).

So, basically, I haven’t been doing much. I went to a 30 Seconds To Mars concert last Tuesday, which was really awesome. We could join them for the sound check, which was great! We could also wait inside all day instead of outside in the rain. Everything was fine until the concert actually started. You Me At Six were the support act and I really like them, but I suddenly felt really sick and had to sit on the floor during their whole set. I tried to stand up, but I almost fainted and my head was killing me, so a friend took me out into the hall. I got some people to check me out and they said I should go take a seat instead of standing the whole concert, which was very nice. I wouldn’t have been able to stand for more than a minute or two. I got some food and a coke, enjoyed the concert from my seat and was glad when I was home again.

Yesterday I wasn’t able to do anything. I felt sick and was in a lot of pain, so I spend a lot of time in bed. Today I’m meeting a friend, but I still feel awful. Light headed, dizzy, nauseous, wobbly legs, headache. I can still barely stand or walk, so it’s going to be hard. Also have to go to a birthday tonight, where it’ll be extremely hot, so I’m dreading going there feeling like this to be honest. Guess I’ll just have to see how it goes.. It’s going to take ages before I’m fully recovered from the concert, meh. :(

I want to write so much, but somehow I just can’t manage to write all of it down. I guess there’s just too much chaos in my head right now, even though was feeling better lately. Now I’ve slipped back into depression though and I’m self harming again. I’m just not at all happy with myself. I feel like such a failure constantly. I have achieved absolutely nothing in the 25 years I’ve been on this earth. I feel so useless, I can never seem to do anything right.

The last 2 weeks or so I’ve been very restless, not being able to sit still at all. I just felt like I had to keep busy constantly. Then I suddenly went back to feeling so depressed I’m barely able to do anything at all. I’m really struggling with this change and I’m not sure what to think of it. I tried to find an obvious reason for the sudden change, but I just can’t come up with anything specific. It’s really bothering me to be honest.

I’m feeling worse every day now it seems and I don’t know what to do. I should tell my parents, but I still can’t. I just don’t want to talk to them about this, even though I have the most amazing parents I could wish for. They’re supportive and caring. So why can’t I tell them? I don’t know. It literally terrifies me and I’ve been avoiding them more as well. I feel so bad about hiding things from them once again. I’m such an awful daughter, they don’t deserve all the stress and worrying.

I can’t see my therapists until November 13th. The wait is too long. Though I’m starting to doubt if it’ll even help me if I see them. I’m not getting the right treatment. Why is it so hard to give me a proper diagnosis that actually fits with my symptoms, so that I can get the right treatment? I don’t get it.

So I’ve been home for almost 2 weeks now. Inpatient treatment at the new (psychosis) ward was just too much. The nurses we’re so mean all the time and they wanted to force me to do more than I could take. I tried my best to adapt to my new surroundings and new people, but I was only getting worse every single day. So one day I just told them I was going home that evening, because I couldn’t handle being there. Nothing good happened when I was there. I was really at the wrong place, everyone could see that. Ofcourse all of a sudden I needed to talk to everyone before I could go home, even though I never saw a psychiatrist when I was there those 3 weeks. In the end they managed to find a psychiatrist who talked to me and said it was okay for me to go home. They knew I would go home no matter who I saw first.

I was also very sick at that time, because I took 4mg of Risperdal every evening. It was too much for my body to handle and I could barely even move. People who saw me thought I had a stroke or something similar, that’s how awful I looked. And I felt even worse. It was horrible. I got more medication to feel better and switched back to 2mg of Risperdal. Now I’m doing much better, both mentally and physically. Going home after 3 weeks instead of 6 weeks was the best decision. I’m still busy doing all kinds of tests etc. It’s hard and very exhausting, but I just need to get through this week and I’ll have some more rest.

There’s so much more I could write about right now, but I’m too exhausted. Just glad to be at home and feel better and finally sleep properly again. Haven’t hurt myself for a while now and the voices are more quiet lately as well. :)