social networks

My teenager daughters and all of their friends spend lots of time take photos of themselves. The one day I took a mobile photo of myself in front of our garden with over 100 glorious tulips, my 13 year old, Josie, admonished me: “Mom, are you taking a selfie?

As if it is totally ok for her to take self-portraits, but not for me. As if I’m too outmoded. I got a good laugh out of it and proudly stated that, indeed, I was taking a selfie, so there. I hadn’t really heard the term before and it struck me as if there was sexualized undertone or something taboo about a “selfie.” Call me a psychologist, why don’t you? (Of course, some hormone-driven teens are taking and sharing photos of themselves that are, let’s say, inappropriate, but that’s a future post.) To prove Josie that I was also entitled to taking selfies, I started sending them to her. (Like the one of me waiting in the parking lot of school to pick her up). Mom’s here!

Yet, here is the thing. My daughters are constantly taking photos of themselves, their friends, their morning pancakes, and of the most mundane details of daily life. They are a generation of content creators. But what they choose to share on their networks range from funny faces or physical antics to their trusted circle to a very crafted “pruning” of their more public profiles. In fact, girls today are highly sophisticated editors of their profiles. Snapshot is great for the spontaneous moment while Facebook is the public resume of middle or high schoolers. Parents may find some solace in a recent MTV survey suggesting that this generation of social media natives is more pragmatic (and cautious) than their older digitally savvy counterparts, the 20 somethings. Maybe the message trickled down that a digital footprint lives forever in cyberspace.

What I also notice is that if I try to take a photo of my girls and their friends they resist with all the fervor that I did as a girl and that I still do today. In fact, I rarely show up in any photos and I joke that no one will know that my girls had a mother given the dearth of photographic evidence. Even so, my teen girls now protest when I try to document their life – when I’m the observer rather than they the producers. Gone are the days when they pranced around in mom’s high heels and capes. Uh-humm, culture has it’s strangle hold on beauty by age 11.

“I look terrible.”

“I have no mascara on.”

“I just woke up.”

And so on.The recent DOVE film entiteld Camera Shy, which just won a Cannes Lion award and part of a campaign called Camera Shy, portrays this sentiment, working backwards on the modesty continuum from women to little girls.

June 10, 8pm

Hey Moms!

I will be doing a much needed teleseminar on what today’s teen girls are doing on their social networks and how to keep them safe.

It’s a brave new world out there.

One of the things I’ve noticed – no surprise to you, I’m sure – is that girls are pretty comfortable texting and posting thoughts, whims and photos, without really getting the possible consequences or the big picture of their digital footprints. They pretty much blurt out what they’re feeling in the moment. I have a great story about how one of my daughters told her whole twitter following: “I hate my mom.” You’ll have to hear my talk to get the whole scoop and other things I have discovered from other moms.

I’ve also learned that most moms (and dads) aren’t aware of their kids’ social network profiles (or how many they are on) or parents are simply too busy to check in on them. I get it.

I’ve come to believe that most parents don’t fully appreciate how their tweens and teens are using social networks and why – especially girls. There are gender differences in how girls and boys use technology, and it’s in part about how girls are hardwired to bond and socialize at this stage. From discussions I know lots of moms are feeling disconnected. They are also missing a huge opportunity to have meaningful conversations with their daughters (and sons)not only about what they are exposed to online, but how to be responsible and respectful to each other, online and offline.

And really, who wants their kids to air their family and friends laundry on the modern digital stage? But that’s what’s happening. Girls almost can’t help themselves.

Join me to learn some of the latest observations of how girls are connecting over their digital gadgets and what you can do about concerns that may come up for you. Tell your mom friends, too!

I’m continually struck with the amazing number of pro-girl organizations and initiatives that are spawned and nurtured by amazing people—mothers, fathers, celebrities, journalists, social activists and girls themselves. I track these organizations, their tweets, campaigns, cyber pledges, polls, and share these missions as best I can with my daughters and broader social networks of mixed company.

I’m also sobered by the realization that pro-girl initiatives will be needed perhaps as long as humankind exists. The efforts for girls’ education, empowerment and entrepreneurship– the three Es are necessary for the health and vitality of the world. Although I feel privileged to exist in the place and time in which I find myself, there are so many parts of the world where girls and women are oppressed in unimaginable ways—where basic needs and human rights are priorities. In the Western (and ostensibly advanced) USA where I raise my daughters, the onslaught of negative cultural messages targeted at girls appears to be at a peak. So is a contagion of destructive coping strategies among girls—disordered eating, cutting and self-harm—to name a few of the most searing and heartbreaking of silent epidemics. These conditions are now amplified by social media and mobile communication, a medium that has its advantages and disadvantages depending on how they are used.

In a conversation with dad of a struggling daughter we lamented over this state of girls’ health and the recipe for tragedy–where shame and secrecy, combined with the viral effect of sharing insidious ways to deal with stress or despair, have fueled an adolescent health crisis. He noted that boys are next as he reflected on his son. (The cultural assault on our boys is a topic for another discussion but has been well underway for many years and is inextricably intertwined in our gender scripts).

It’s impossible to guard against the assault on my own being—as an adult woman and a mother—or to even feel empowered to protect my girls
from blatant, sexist and narrow gender typed messages. And it’s getting worse. It’s one reason why I created BodiMojo.com ad the DailyMojo blog by girls. Even after three waves of feminism (the last two tidal waves on which I surfed), progress is in peril. Despite some enlightened media outlets and cause marketing to stem the tide, I confess I often feel a backward pull.

I recently heard Deepak Chopra speak at the Massachusetts Conference for Women (Dec 6, 2012). He told a beautiful story about his mother. His remembrance evoked an image of a strong matriarch, grounded, spiritual, and in control, and who never failed to think of the welfare of others as a model of sustainability and growth. To an audience of over 8000 women, Dr. Chopra spoke of a universal shift toward feminine power—one that has been a guiding force for him. “It’s arrived,” he said. And you could feel it in the presence of a sea of women—the possibility, the hope and renewed energy.

Yet, at a private level, in my small world of raising teenage girls in a household that espouses the three Es, little things peck away—eroding my girls’ confidence while it is just in the making.

This became most poignant recently with my 15-year-old Sophie. On the surface she is a smart, confident girl on varsity sports teams in freshman year, involved in a youth group at church focused on social action,has a great group of friends. As parents, my husband and I are fairly relieved at a smooth adjustment to middle adolescence. Yet, we still hold our breath.

She’s also “pretty” by cultural standards. Indeed, a panel of judges might consider my daughter to be a promising “package.” This word is now flippantly used to describe a human being. The phrase speaks volumes about how American Idol or The Voice shape our cultural scripts. Of course, like many teenagers, Sophie has put up a “good cover.”

Few signs of distress could be discerned from her, other than complaints of homework, bad coaching, or sister fights. And even less is available about her inner world—until that secret life appeared on her Twitter feed.

Before she had her own iPhone she’d check her Twitter account on mine. I’d hear the retweets pop up. I didn’t totally mind this, although I was getting particularly annoyed one Sunday when there seemed to be a flurry of conversations I cared not to be interrupted by. Then I see that her friend had retweeted a comment Sophie posted earlier:

I wish I was pretty like the girls on Tumblr.

My heart stopped for a split second.

Wait. Does she really feel that way?

Shit. Tumblr?

Does she have a blog there, too?

Moms always think they are on top of things. Nope. Sure enough, her Tumblr blog was stated on her twitter profile. I clicked on the link.

I scrolled and scrolled. What I see is an amazingly creative, stream of posts, not unlike the magazine collages my girlfriends and I would spend hours making. As teens we would cut out images from Seventeen or Teen Beat, rearrange letters and glue photographs—photosthat we had to spend our babysitting money on and wait a week to get developed on Main Street. It was heartfelt work. Collage making was a teenage girl’s right of passage, along with hundreds of notes folded into triangles, pressed in the back of jean pockets, and saved in shoeboxes.

Thirty years later my daughter is doing the same thing with modern tools. On her blog she had reposted pictures of baby animals, muddy female soccer players, various Olympians. So, too, were numerous gorgeous girls and guys, in the strict, gendered ways media portrays male and female beauty: Skinny girls with long hair; guys with glossy six-pack abs. (Really, are there any other images available?)

And I thought I was so smart in not having any beauty magazine subscriptions at home.

I was heartened somewhat that her mixed media clearly portrayed vestiges of coming of age. It was cuteness, love, courage, athleticism, and positive quotes. Just scrolling the blog undoubtledy evoked feel-good hormones. An Oxytocin hit.

I thought, Ok, this is totally normal. There are no images of violence, self-harm or pro-anorexic girls. But how to start a conversation about her comment on Twitter? I had told her clearly I’m not snooping when my own phone alerts me to her social network. She knew I was getting these and could not figure out how to disable her account on my phone (she later did).

She’s a very private child. A private child with a public channel. The only way to bring up her comment about girls on Tumblr (AND Tumblr) was in the car.

Driving side by side we can usually talk with ease, not having to look the other in the eye or hide flushed cheeks. We talked about her height (she’s disappointed to have peaked at 5’2), her “poofy hair,” and body image; and once again we discuss social media, the blessing and curse of it, and how to manage it with discretion and privacy. Of course, she finds me too serious or overly concerned. Oh my god, Mom, really?

But my mother, who cared deeply about her two girls, never asked how I felt or ever wondered about my emotional life. She did not prepare me for puberty or offer to buy me a bra. I wish she had. And if she had asked me how I was doing? I may have dismissed her outright. I’m sure I scared her.But on some level I would also know that she was at least curious or courageous enough to ask me.

I have worked with the most wonderful and connected of parents who become flabbergasted to learn about their own child’s conflicts or pain. Many adolescents do not want to upset parents, or disappoint them, and many don’t know how to approach them. They live secret lives on many levels.

There are no easy answers. Parents aren’t mind readers. The hardest part for parents now seems to be how to genuinely connect in a hyper-connected
world—a world increasingly devoid of interpersonal nuances, emotional cues and heartfelt empathy. Yet, the answer always seems to be the same:

Stay connected, listen, and be present

Know who your kid’s friends are, and know who these friends’ parents are

Observe their social networks online and offline

Be curious but not intrusive

Notice media messages and consumerism with them

Share (with discretion) some of your teen challenges and how you got through them

Have clarity on your own internal story of body image, identity, and self-esteem

Take a witnessing stance and notice what you may (or may not) be modeling for your child

Join and support organizations that support girls and make it a part of family life and core values

Help girls see the plight of other girls to challenge their perpectives, to broaden world view, and foster global sisterhood (the upside of social comparision)

Find older and near-age mentors and role models who may be perceived as more relatable and less intense than you may be (i.e., find
a cool younger person)

Be open, authentic and courageous; be honest about mistakes; go forward with love

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

There is no silver lining playbook for ushering our girls into the adult world. Love and connection is the way.