Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The strangest and most shocking half hour in television history ended
just before midnight Tuesday when the repulsive Fox news pundit and sleazy Republican
Party strategist was forced to face a failure he was simply incapable of contemplating.

As soon as the
network called Ohio, and the election, for President Obama, Britt Hume, Bret
Baier, and Megyn Kelly offered their contrite condolences, but the mendacious manipulator
of political opinion then told a stunned Chris Wallace he would not concede.

For the next thirty minutes Rove stubbornly refused to relent,
then, after Michael Barone slowly backed him into a corner from which he could
not escape, stunned viewers saw his skull expand to several times normal size and
suddenly splatter the studio with its hideous contents.

Barone and Baier
instinctively avoided the gruesome fallout, but Kelly, visibly shaken, yet calmly
blotting her soiled white blazer, was heard to have muttered just before the
live feed was cut: “This will come out, right? I mean, ew.”

Saturday, October 20, 2012

The chameleonesque Cayman Island candidate and his
mathematically incompetent running mate continue their leveraged buyout of the
upcoming election by suppressing support for the other party while persuading business
owners to invest in their cynical swindle.

Their counterfeit campaign promises to apply private sector expertise
to our country’s economic recovery while the former vulture capitalist and
aspiring CEO of USA Inc. callously calculates how much of America’s remaining
assets he can surreptitiously strip.

Their fraudulent, 47% of the people don’t matter, numbers don’t
have to add up, hostile soup kitchen takeover, pledges to repeal all policies, except
those that would protect wealth extraction and provide a government accountable
only to the play-by-their-own-rules, plutocratic 1%.

They have somehow managed to evade serious scrutiny, avoid all accountability,
and put over their pretense of legitimacy, despite their
say-anything-to-close-the-deal, sociopathic, dog-on-the-roof indifference to
not only the concerns of the common citizen but the essential concept of a
social contract.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

In
keeping with the post-industrial economic formula for optimum profitability,
the latest report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) has evidenced
continued outsourcing from the United States.

Though
many have contended with the BLS report’s suspect unemployment rate, there have,
as yet, been no inquiries made concerning its outsourcing quotient.

As
the BLS report describes, the outsourcing of US cognition reached an all-time high
this September, likely reflecting the Democratic and Republican national conventions,
and is expected to spike again in November.

While
the report contends that Americans are thinking less than ever before, corresponding
analyses show that the US, by coming ahead of the next thirty-seven countries
combined, still maintains its rank as world-leader.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

In response to recent events, economists and other contrarians have increased their calls for putting bankers behind bars; as satisfying this may sound however, some consideration should be given to identifying and holding accountable those who actually caused our current financial crisis. Let’s just be sure we’re locking up the right culprits.

Forget the sixteen trillion in emergency Fed lending, four and a half trillion in bailouts, two trillion and counting in quantitative easing, and a couple trillion more in loans and guarantees, it’s the money earned by hard working citizens and handed over to freeloaders who are too lazy to help themselves that really adds up.

Never mind the predatory lending practices and the innumerable counts of perjury committed by presenting robosigned affidavits and other defective documents in foreclosure court proceedings, the real criminals are all those parasitic public sector employees who expect the rest of us to pay for their pensions.

Disregard the million dollar bonuses, the money laundered for drug cartels, and the shorting of funds sold to clients that were designed to fail. The real injustice is that the guy who talked a convenience store clerk into letting him pay for a six pack and a scratch off with food stamps isn’t in jail.

Ignore the evidence that for years banks have systematically coerced agencies into rating subprime mortgage backed securities as investment grade instruments, colluded to rig auctions in municipal bond markets, and skimmed profits from derivative contracts by manipulating the largest interest rate base used in worldwide commerce.

Perp-walks and prison sentences seem a bit harsh when one considers bankers have already had to endure the inconvenience of the occasional inquiry, suffered settlements that don’t require them to admit they did anything wrong, and had fines forced upon them that probably caused them to collect all the spare change from under their sofa cushions.

Monday, July 9, 2012

A confidential memo
prepared by his staff outlining various strategies cautioned that the candidate
could not wage a winning campaign on ideas and issues without either alienating
a constituency he had previously pandered to or reminding his supporters that
he was once again contradicting himself.

Among the examples
noted were promising that as the president he would repeal the same health care
program he had enacted as governor, claiming credit for the auto industry
bailout he had originally opposed, and attempting to reconcile his ability to
create jobs with his record at Bain Capital.

The memo also recognized
his aloof empty suit dancing horse dog on the roof ten thousand dollar betting
Cayman island tax sheltering country should be run like a business bragging super
rich one percenter oblivious to the concerns of commoners cardboard cutout late
night monologue fodder image problem.

The only viable
option is to constantly remind voters that it doesn’t matter who he is or
isn’t, or what he does or doesn’t stand for, or what he might or might not do
as president, but what he is most definitely and most consistently not. All
people need to know, the memo concluded, is Mitt Romney is not Barack Obama.

Included were mockups
of smiling Romney image “I’m not Obama!" lawn signs, samples of simple "Romney...he's
not Obama!" bumper stickers, and TV ad storyboards featuring the usual patriotic
images and the tagline “I’m Mitt Romney, I approved this message, and I’m not
Barack Obama.”

Friday, June 15, 2012

Leaving
a trail of hundred dollar bills on their path so they could find the way back,
the vulture capitalist candidate and his ginger haired court jester set out to connect
with those of scant economic prospect with the unpretentious yet appealing campaign
slogan “a chicken with white truffle oil in every pot and couple of Cadillacs in
every elevator equipped multi-level garage.”

At a
private preschool, the privileged offspring of the fortunate few act out a
lesson in government gridlock with their emerging nation manufactured congressional
inaction figures, while the children of aspiring reality show contestants
prepare to compete in the high-tech world with a no prejudice left behind
hillbilly home brew of creationism science and second amendment remedies.

A
mischievous wizard of financial alchemy conjures a magical investment scheme of
impenetrable complexity and unlimited profit potential then casts a something
for nothing spell to conceal his simple scam, while a baby faced billionaire
offers shares of his social media success to select insiders then forgets to
inform his friends that the IPO party is already over.

Interrupted
only by snake oil salesmen shilling concoctions no one really needs to cure
conditions no one actually has, an endless flood of mindless effluence flows
from the flat screens in every home, offering a nation of vacuous couch bound
viewers a high definition distraction from the fact that their castle is in
foreclosure and their country has been sold to the highest bidder.

In the
crowded arena of an empire past its expiration date, three hundred million
peasants all fight for their fifteen minutes, a beautiful princess checks into
a five-star celebrity rehab for the umteenth time, and the handsome young pilot
of a surveillance drone silently watches as the new gilded age slowly goes to
hell in a counterfeit Gucci handbag.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

We defeated the evil empire and made the world safe for democracy. We eliminated trade barriers and unleashed the vast potential of the free market. We had a budget surplus. We stood on the summit and we all looked forward to the limitless prosperity we so justly deserved.

In the year 2000 the American myth seemed secure. We reinforced the truth of it so readily our delusion came to define us. We refused to believe it could ever fail, yet were unable to perceive the approaching perils we ourselves had set into motion.

Our illusion of invulnerability collapsed with the twin towers. Our self regulating economy self destructed. Our financial system was a scam. The real damage however was not as devastating as the destruction of the dream, and in the disillusion that followed we abandoned everything we valued.

Democrats are determined we can somehow return to our previous status by employing the same policies that got us where we are, while Republicans have irrationally retreated to an appalling interpretation of an imagined past, incessantly sinking into regressive insanity.

We ignore the cost of our foreign occupations. We continue to let lobbyists write our laws and allow corporate criminals to escape accountability. We reject the call for any alternatives, aggressively responding to civil dissent at precisely the time we so desperately need it.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Filed by F Russell GrummanITITY 2012 Campaign Field ReporterAfter the latest primary results, the possibility of Newt Gingrich regaining his status as conservative frontrunner seemed even more remote than his imaginary lunar colony, but recent events involving his rivals have not only resurrected the former speaker’s crusade, they’ve completely turned the republican campaign on its inanely hollow head.Mitt Romney’s attempt to pander to the canine coalition by riding atop his campaign bus shouting “see, it’s not so bad” abruptly ended when he became entangled in a low hanging power line, causing even his well heeled cohorts to admit he didn’t have the same appeal with his perfect hair standing straight on end.Rick Santorum was heard to say “Just ask Rick Perry, the third one’s always the hardest” before being interrupted by his astonished congregation, and while the strange details of his attempted self crucifixion are still emerging, pundits have already agreed he has conclusively proven himself to be the extreme Catholic candidate.Ron Paul’s sudden disappearance before a small gathering of dedicated followers has the internet conspiracy theorist community already speculating on possible explanations including a killer drone strike, alien abduction, and maybe just wandered off and got a little lost like old people sometimes do.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Richmond VAState legislators have proposed a new law that, if passed, is expected by some to initiate an immediate appeals process and possible intervention from the ACLU.

The proposition, backed by less than half of the respondents in a recent poll, would require all men to undergo a colonoscopy prior to the purchase of any Tom Clancy novel as an incentive against the potential mental and emotional trauma inflicted by its reading.

This controversial bill has received an enormous negative reaction from state men’s rights organizations dedicated to advocating gender equality and literacy, likening the medical procedure to “state-sanctioned rape,” while proponents argue that they “only want men to weigh the gravity of what would be a potentially damaging and certainly life-altering decision,” and to “not make the choice lightly.”

Opponents to the prospective legislation have already asked for the option to have the colonoscopy instead described by the physician, seen as a more moderate alternative to being forced to either view the procedure or pay for the book on tape.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Conservative think tanks are reportedly working overtime to contain the corrosive damage being done by America’s latest and most absurdly superficial reality television spectacle, the Republican Presidential Debates.

Years of reckless and unrelenting obstructionism has rendered the right wing mindset so methodically mired in impeding progress, they are now arrogantly incapable of pursuing their agenda without unwittingly undermining the platform of their own party.

Between not so subtle appeals to racism and the occasional opportunity to browbeat and bully the moderator, the candidates automatically assault whoever happens to be leading the polls by burying their opponent in a vociferous avalanche of verbal abuse.

The mountain of money made available by unlimited campaign financing has merely managed to fund a cast of characters so completely unqualified it would be a challenge to accept any of them playing the part in a cheap SciFy channel disaster movie.