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Friday Afternoon Cheesecake: Guilty Crushes

The Olympics are here!…Well, on a tape delay, at least. Still, they’re very welcome – the natives have been getting restless on the interweb with, as my fellow Lady mentioned below, only baseball to keep us busy. But the Olympics won’t really be here until tonight, unfortunately. It’s Friday afternoon – who’s read to turn off their brains a little?

You see, this morning, I happened to turn on ESPN. Hmm, I thought absently, readying my breakfast, that guy’s kind of hot. Imagine my horror when I woke up a little to realize I had been admiring Mike Greenberg. These kinds of guilty little crushes happen to me all the time, as you’ll see under the jump. How about you, lovely readers? You got them too, right?

Joey Porter: Sucker-puncher, all-around jerk...attractive man. Alas.

First, Sports Casters/Personalities/Whatever:

Tony Reali.
I can’t think of any other reason to watch Jay Marriotti and Woody Paige yell at each other for a half hour – can you? (Well, maybe Israel Gutierrez. I very much approve of cute young newspaper guys, and no, I don’t feel guilty about it.) As a young female sports fan, I think I’m supposed to have a crush on Statboy, which is why I feel kind of guilty about it. He’s there to appeal to those young kids with their internets and hipster-hugger pants and blogospheres. Which, okay, whatever, I just like him because he’s self-aware and funny, which is more than you can say about…pretty much anyone else at the WWL, actually. Besides, I love a skinny guido in a suit, and I’m not going to deny that grin – particularly when he’s mocking Around the Horn’s panelists. What can I say? Mocking the stupid makes me feel all funny inside. (And congrats to him on getting married!)

Mike Greenberg.
I KNOW. I knooow. But, I mean, it’s not like I like him, or anything. He’s a dork, and not in the way I usually like. But he’s fairly good looking and he’s got pretty eyes. Sue me.

And Now, Shirtless Athletes:

Terrell Owens.

Yeah, I went with the easy picture. Want to make something of it?

He’s pretty much flawless, except when he opens his mouth and words come out. Is that objectification on my part? Yes, probably. So I feel kind of guilty about that, but then again, over time I’ve started to like him anyway. He got a lot of mockage for crying about Tony Romo, but it just activated my feminine instincts. He just needs a hug, you guys! He’s misunderstood. He probably listens to Death Cab and contemplates cutting himself, but doesn’t go through with it because he doesn’t want to harsh his pretty. Anyway, flights of fancy (or not) aside, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to loathe TO, so it’s a bit awkward for me to find him so attractive.

Steve Nash.

Steve’s hot and funny and bad-ass. Why would I feel guilty for that? Well, two reasons: one, he’s the Great White Hope, and it’s kind of stereotypical for me to love him. One of my best friends, a black guy my age, never wants to admit to liking him for that reason. And two, I feel guilty because my emotions are so conflicted. On one hand, I think he’s extremely attractive, in a yes-I-totally-would kind of way. On the other hand, I think he’s awesome, and I kind of want him to adopt me and raise me to be awesome too. Is that wrong? I’m pretty sure that’s very, very wrong.

Chris Andersen.
Guilt: he’s, if you’ll forgive the expression, really dopey. And I think someone did those tattoos with a Sharpie. Eh. I’d still hit that.

Chad Johnson.
Like TO, you could grate cheese on those abs; like TO, he should probably stay quiet more often than he does. And, dude, you can’t give yourself a nick-name, come on. But, you know? I think his ridiculousness is kind of endearing. Maybe that’s just me. Besides, he was naked in ESPN The Magazine, and anything that encourages athlete cheesecake is a-okay with me.

How about you, girls and boys? I’m sure you’ve got some sports crushes that make you feel kind of guilty. Feel free to share – with links and pictures – in the comments!

My biggest guilty crush has to be Ben Roethlisberger. It is one of those overpowering and somewhat irrational crushes & the fact the he is one of the enemy (read: Steeler) really makes me ashamed of myself.

I have a bit of love/hate thing w/Chad. I loved him until he opened his mouth this offseason, but I’m ashamed to say the minute I opened The Mag all (almost) was forgiven.

OK, I will probably regret putting this out on the internet, but as a teenager I loved Brian Bosworth. Anytime I see those old photos, I get all tingly. Of course, he’s just OLD now, but he was my dream man way back when.

thistlewarrior – I know what it’s like to think your team’s enemy is hot. After all, Arron Afflalo played against my Gators in the Final Four twice, but I still loved him. But, honestly, I feel kind of guilty for liking Ben Roethlisberger at all, and I’m not even a fan of any particular NFL team.

Kristin – Oh my god. Occasionally I’ll see Ben Wallace in a game and think, “Wow, he’s pretty.” Then I mentally smack myself because HE’S BIG BEN WALLACE. And Ben Wallace is NOT ‘pretty’. So I feel you there.

T.O. is probably the biggest one for me. I always say, “I know, I KNOW…but I’d do him before he finished asking the question.”

And whoever said Scott Van Pelt, I FEEL YOU. I said that once and was mocked mercilessly, but I truly believe he and I would have fun together. And by “fun” I totally mean *wink*wink*. He’s funny and smart and FUNNY and totally kind of cute a little bit in a weird way.

Guilty man-crush: Joe Thornton. Plays for a team that I hate with a white-hot passion. He’s so f-ing great, though. Plus, if I could trade lives/physiques/bank accounts with someone, he’d be at the top of the list.