Why does it shrink?

I’m exhausted, but my mind didn’t get the memo. It’s annoying. Hopefully, tonight will be different. I’ll be taking some Benadryl before laying down. It tends to knock me out. The haunting images of the chemical warfare in Syria have me feeling so angry and helpless. Putin is such an evil fuck. It’s hard to believe so much pain, and suffering exists over money. I wonder how long it took from the introduction of currency to the first murder over it. I doubt it took very long. There are always those who miss the point to death. I’m too much of a recovering sibling to fall for the lure of money.

I remember the many, many times vividly my brother punched me hard in the shoulder, then asked me, “What did you learn?” It was his go-to response anytime I did something unwise in his presence. It’s not my preferred teaching method. While it hurt, it also made me laugh, which pissed me off. I couldn’t tell on him while laughing, my Mom would have given me “something to do with all that energy.” Heather was the money hoarder. She would put her money in her purse and never spend it. She preferred spending other people’s money, followed by bragging about how much she managed to save. We had no idea we were learning valuable life lessons at the time.

I’m glad it taught me how to be generous. But more because it taught me how to be generous and let go. I don’t hold on to what I give by trying to control how it’s used. I don’t imagine expectations of reciprocation. It’s an act, not a transaction. Sometimes I have more stuff than I need, so I give it to someone else. To me, it’s like eliminating a hole in the pattern. When it’s empty, it distracts. Filling it makes the pattern more complete. I learned the only sucker is the one who believes it’s possible to become one by giving.

As an adult, I’ve learned many don’t trust those who give generously and freely without expectation. It confuses me and makes me sad. It’s distrust without reason. It treats an act of generosity like a cause for suspicion and shunning. It’s illogical. It leaves me feeling like I’m on the wrong planet. I’d prefer living on the one where people care about people for being people. This one isn’t working out.