I have listed the Little Friend shop under my "Etsy Fav's Links" and I thought that I would mention the great slippers made by Catherine. The slippers in the photo are Ava's more recent pair - waiting to be worn in the Fall. She had a smaller pair last Fall and we both loved them.

Catherine uses only recycled/upcycled materials - sweaters, and leather for the bottoms - and the slippers really stand up to the wear of little feet. The sizes available are infant to 4 years old.

I appreciate well made items, especially for children, and this shop ships items quickly.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Well, she was precious like a flowerShe grew wild, wild but innocentA perfect prayer in a desperate hourShe was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that inStupid boy, it's like holding back the windShe laid her heart and soul right in your handsAnd you stole her every dream, and you crushed her plansShe never even knew she had a choice and that's what happensWhen the only voice she hears is telling her she can'tStupid boy

So what made you think you could take a lifeAnd just push it, push it, aroundI guess to build yourself up so highYou had to take her and break her down

You always had to be right And now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive

It took awhile for her to figure out she could runBut when she did, she was long gone, long gone, long gone

The real deal is that my Ex was a stupid boy - as the song states. He took the wind out of my sails and he pushed me down; controlling without a smile. During the beginning of our separation I listened to this song for an apology [because until recently, I never received one from him].

The greatest hurt wasn’t the end of the relationship – it was realizing I never mattered enough for him to fight for me to stay. I wasn’t cherished, and he didn’t truly love me. I worked so hard to maintain the marriage – but lopsided unions never succeed. My definition of “wife” didn’t match the actions and lack of respect in our relationship. To me, a wife and husband are partners and friends. Well, he wouldn’t let me in enough to be a friend, and he pushed for everything that he wanted.

I have a warm heart and I’m a kind person. I put other people first [with boundaries] and I’m thoughtful and patient. I put so much effort into what we did have together. He gave nothing – and I accepted this nothingness by staying. I took the crumbs he dropped on the floor for me to pick up.

I can see that the years of covert comments and veiled jokes chipped at my spirit. He continually told me that I had no sense of humour, and I needed to be able to laugh at myself. What he really meant was, I was supposed to think he was witty, and allow the mean comments.

I understand why he has such low self-esteem. He doesn’t love himself, and unless he works on himself he won’t ever be able to love another. With this insight, logically, I shouldn’t have taken his treatment personally, but I’m human, and a woman, and this hurt.

I’ve always enjoyed writing. One day, years ago, I decided to remove my shield and let him into my world; I asked him to read my writing whenever he wanted to. It was an open offer, and nothing was off limits... four years later he still hadn't opened my book. He didn’t care to know me.

The end of the song gives me closure:

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved meAnd she loved me, she loved meGod please, just let her knowI'm sorry, I'm sorryI'm sorry, I'm sorryI'm down on my kneesShe's never coming back to me

Saturday, June 6, 2009

At this time in my life I feel appreciative for having simple luxuries. The following is a list of things that make me feel prosperous:

Laundry: Every article washed, dried, and put away (fortunately, I feel prosperous every other day x multiple loads)

Flowers: A vase of fresh flowers in every room including Ava's bedroom

Dishes: All used items washed, and air drying in the drain tray (this I feel grateful for at least 4 times a day)

Garbage/Recycling: I feel good when I empty all household cans and put in fresh bags (this positive feeling is mixed with guilt that the bags and garbage will sit/be burned in a landfill...); recycling makes breathing easier, figuratively and literally

Re-filling liquid soap dispensers: In the kitchen and bathroom - I don't care if this seems ridiculous to anyone else

Vacuuming/sweeping: I dislike it, but I feel better when my floors are unsoiled

Dusting: Way too infrequently done - this is always bumped down the list due to the remainder of my to-do list (I should add 'wiped baseboards' to my list, but they're neglected like the dusting); perhaps if I can achieve the completion of regular dusting then I'll be happy...kidding...

Cutting fabric: Every day I'm closer to being able to create an on-line store to sell my wares - doing this will help me to sleep better at night (I have marriage debt to pay off... it adds to keeping me awake)

Stocked fridge: Fresh food for Ava and me; it turns out that I can cook... I'm good with my hands in everything that I make an effort with (minds out of the gutter, or maybe not...), I always have liked baking more (my Ex cooked and I cleaned up after)

Baking: Fresh cookies, banana bread, etc, placed on a pretty cake tray next to a vase of fresh flowers (did I mention I like the aesthetic of a room?...I like to decorate)

Wine: A bottle in my little wine rack (if I have three bottles in my 3 bottle wine holder then hang on Ladies! Prosperity is gushing!); If I can, I enjoy a glass a couple of times a week (I'm so responsible I nauseate myself sometimes); I use wineglasses that my Mom painted for me

My home decor: I love my yellow antique armoire (probably salvaged from a farmhouse); my black [Home Depot] chandelier - it hangs over my bed and I feel a little sexier; my bedding/pillows (thank you HomeSense); my desk (it's teak and from a place where I used my "Designer Discount" - double thanks, Universe); my kitchen table/chairs - from a local vintage shop - Ava talks about the owner occasionally while we eat - he gave me a great discount; Ava's white and green polka-dot chair - she loves it, and it makes great guest seating (my girl friends are laughing because we all rotate into this chair); I love everything in Ava's room - most of the items came from HomeSense (always my go-to place) and what I didn't buy I made - I'm thankful I can sew curtains, blankets, and pillows - I have a vast selection of fabrics, and my next project will be awesome pillows for the living room

Cheap cable: For the next few months I have a cheaper rate, after that I'll cancel...I think...I'll be so much more productive without watching shows, but for now it offers a break mentally....

Scarves: I have a small collection of pretty ones, the one that I wear most of the time is purple with white and yellow flowers - I feel so relaxed and feminine in it

Music: I feel better when I have a chance to listen to my iPod - I can escape into dancing

Grandmas' jewellery: I have a few pieces of costume jewellery that belonged to my Grandma and I wear them occasionally (I'd rather she was here to wear them); sometimes I pin a clip-on earring to a shirt; (I wore a broach in my hair with my wedding dress)

My health & youth: I'm tired, but healthy - there's so much illness going around and I feel grateful that I'm untouched; I look younger than 31 - I refuse to let the "bitter bus" park outside my house

Books: I love it when I have a new book waiting to be opened, or a great book waiting to be re-opened

Family recipes: I just received copies of a few recipes - I feel closer to my Hungarian heritage by having them in my hands

My laptop: It's pink, and it's spectacular; very fast, and loaded with memory (just like me)

Seinfeld: I laugh again and again even though I've seen them all repeatedly. I use references to the show daily - most people don't get this....

Canadian music: I saw Blue Rodeo last night, and I'm inspired that I will be loved as I deserve; I'm looking forward to the Hip show in two weeks - I've seen them many times...they're the soundtrack of my teens/20's; The Guess Who make me remember my childhood; Loverboy - makes me laugh and sing along; Brian Adams - another childhood love; Corey Hart - under-appreciated for his singing ability in my opinion; Sarah Slean - such a soft and feminine voice

I'm feeling "in-like" with my life right now because overall I'm moving through great changes. As I mentioned before, this is uncomfortable, but remarkable opportunities are heading my way. Perhaps I'll meet my match.

There is a vast difference between the duties of a babysitter and those of a Father.

Babysitter: Paid to watch a child for the short-term

Father: Chose to have a child, and therefore is expected to watch the child for the long term

Babysitter: Paid an hourly wage

Father: Chose to have a child and therefore is expected to watch the child; if wages are stupidly requested they should be forfeited to the Mother

Babysitter: Seeks employment in childcare

Father: Chose to have a child and therefore is expected to watch the child; it's not considered a favour by the Mother when he watches the child for an evening; the Mother is repeatedly annoyed by the insinuation that she spends too many nights out - two nights a month over the past 6 months isn't a lot... the Mother spent every night at home for the 2 years prior - most of which she took care of the child alone

Babysitter: Is not a parent, and gets to go home at the end of an evening

Father: Is a parent, and should enjoy having his child over for a sleepover; when he whines about not sleeping much then he should know that the Mother will not be impressed - she had her first 8 hour sleep in 3 years last night....

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I've been with a string of the most unromantic men, and rather than feel bad about this, I feel the urge to laugh. I want to laugh at their ridiculous indifference on the matter.

I want to be with someone who is sensitive and romantic like me, but I've always settled with men who cooled in "the moment". What a bunch of dough heads. (In my head the language is a little harsher, plus I have my sisters' voice saying a few choice words.)

Conceivably, these men are romantic - except with me. Maybe the women who they dated/married after me received words of love and ardour.... I wonder if there was a break in the connection between us which didn't allow the space for tenderness. I know that we weren't great love matches....

It really doesn't matter - I'm a completely different woman than the one who was with each of them.

I'm no longer that 25 year old girl who walked down the aisle hoping that the relationship would improve after the wedding. [If the relationship is broken before the wedding then it will crumble during the marriage.] Maybe I would have made a different decision if I had listened to the quiet thought squeaking out of the recesses of my mind. Trust me Ladies, if you feel lonely, ignored, tense, secretive, disregarded, etc, then you will experience this and more during matrimony.

If you think that divorce isn't a scary thing then remember this, a divorce costs the same as half of your wedding budget (when it's amicable, and messy ones cost extra). Unless you get divorced within the first year or two, most likely there will be children involved. Divorce rocks their world no matter what age, and you're tied to your man for life. Tied to this person who you couldn't communicate with in your relationship and now you're having to work out schedules regarding kids - who has them when, etc.; and who's paying who, what support, to raise them. Not good times....

Think about what I've said.

...and I digress....

Romance, right, the point of my post today.

Passion, adoration, love, and mutual and complete respect - I want it! I've heard of it. I've known people who've had it. I'm optimistic that I'll receive it someday soon.