‘This Is The One Vibrator That Brought Back My Sex Drive While I Was Taking Antidepressants’

Depression is the worst. It sucks the life out of you, requires weeks and months and years of therapy to get through, and sometimes, it even requires meds to help normalize any chemical imbalances. I suffered from depression for a couple years before I finally gave in to my doctor’s suggestion that I try some meds. I didn’t want to deal with the side effects and felt that I’d get addicted to a medication and never be able to feel ‘normal’ again without it. I was lucky, though, that I barely had any issues. However, a year after taking the drugs, I got depressed again and my doc increased my dose. Soon after, I had zero sex drive.

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I’ve always prided myself on being a sexual person. In high school, a group of guy friends were talking about their moms catching them masturbating. When I told them it was easier to hide what you were doing as a girl, they were shocked. After all, in the early 2000s (and hey, even now), female masturbation can be taboo. But I never let it be taboo for me: I woke up my mom at 3 a.m. the night I lost my virginity because I wanted to talk about it. I tell men what I want in bed. I masturbate regularly. Or, at least, I did before my higher dose of antidepressants gave my vagina a drought straight out of Westworld.

The thing was, I felt better. I was happy and functioning and socializing. But since I didn’t have a sex drive, I didn’t even think about it. And as a single woman, it wasn’t like I had someone around who I had to turn away all the time. Instead of experimenting with ways to get my sex drive back, I just ignored it. I didn’t even bring it up to my doctor because it didn’t cross my mind. I figured that whenever I met someone I really wanted to sleep with, we’d use lube and I’d just deal with it when the time came (pun very much intended!).

Turned out, my low libido also made me much less inclined to date. I went about eight months without meeting a single guy who turned me on. That is how little sex drive I had! I didn’t drink much on the meds, but when I did I still didn’t get the urge.

Never in the mood lately? Watch a hot doc explain why you have a low sex drive:

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When I told a girlfriend that I’d finished binge watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix, she asked what I thought of the show’s fictional vibrator made for older women. It was lighter, easier-to-use and meant to stave off arthritis. My friend G-chatted me, asking if my wrist ever got sore from using a vibrator. I was almost embarrassed to tell her how long it had been since anything—or anyone—had been down there, but I told her anyway.

She immediately started sending me links to different vibrators to try, so I decided to go for what really seemed like the best: The MysteryVibe Crescendo. Just watching the videos on the site got me excited to try it. Let’s be clear, the videos didn’t get me off but the vibrator sure as hell did.

The Crescendo—which costs $179 and is cheaper than one of my therapy sessions—is often described as the world’s first body-adapting vibrator. It’s made with six motors and can bend into pretty much any shape. Plus, it has a smartphone app that will play sensual music and vibrate to the beat. How fun is that? (Kick-start your new, healthy routine with Women's Health's 12-Week Total-Body Transformation!)

I left it in its box when it first arrived, kind of afraid of what would happen if I tried it and it didn’t work. It’d also been so long since I’d touched, I mean really touched my vagina that I felt like I didn’t know how to do it anymore. Then, while watching the new season of Master of None (can you tell I’m a TV junkie?), I watched the episode where Aziz Ansari’s character goes on a ton of Tinder dates and found myself wishing I was up for casual sex so I could get things going again.

But then I remembered the Crescendo was literally sitting in my living room still in its box and reminded myself that I didn’t need a man to get things going again. Plus, no one knows what I need or want more than I do. Turns out, using a vibrator after a few months off is a lot like riding a bike. Once you have that free-wheeling liberation of just going for it, you know exactly what you’re doing.

Using the Crescendo actually reminded me what it was like to feel like a woman again. It was like I came back to life as soon as I turned it on. The best part of it is that it can bend into so many different shapes. For some reason, I’ve always enjoyed sex with men whose penises have a little curve to them. With the Crescendo, I can create as many kinds of curves and imagine as many kinds of men as I want.

I couldn’t help but think about how fun it would be to use during sex with a man. While I’m ready to start dating again now that I feel comfortable thinking about intimacy, I’m still wary of who I want to be in the bedroom with. Still, knowing I can get off alone and that I could rediscover my sexuality without a guy is the real climax to my story.

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