Sitting in the window watching for my kids’ bus. A car pulls up and a boy, 7 or 8 in baseball getup, gets out and runs to the back of the house across the street. The car, silver, idles – a man inside. I start to hear pounding, as of fists on a door. The pitch […]

The depression is ingrained after so many years – there almost every day – but every day seems to have it’s own manifestation. I almost wish I was at my worst so I could hospitalize and be cared for. I wish I was dead but am not suicidal, the ideation is there but not the […]

A few more minor events stand out. There was a girl, 10 or 11, who had a paper route on North Beacon. My little gang – my Lebanese neighbors, a Jamaican girl from across the street – and I secretly mocked her. She must have been the only white girl in the neighborhood besides me. […]

I didn’t know I had Complex PTSD until I was 36 years old. I deliberately turned off my trauma – tossed it, pretended it never happened – when Social Services removed my sister and I from our mother’s custody and placed us with our newly sober and forever ex-criminal father. We never talked about our […]

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written an original post, so excuse my writing, I’m rusty and disjointed on medication that for the most part works. When my Cenobites are raging the words flow and flow and flow. The medication takes the words and chains the Cenobites and keeps the real me at bay. […]

Originally posted on Not Quite Lost: “I’m BAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKK.” Gee, thanks for the fucking warning. You’ve been away for a year, you don’t call, you don’t write, I thought you were dead for Christ’s sake, or met someone else at the very least. In all seriousness Borderline, why did you come back? Things were going so…

My blog was a “mental” blog. With my cenobites heavily chained, I haven’t had too much to write about. But I want to write again, to connect again, to be a part of a community that seems to have gone half missing (where did they go?). So I’m going to write about how I got […]

I lay down for my usual 3 pm nap today. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all, just lay there and relax the body. Today I took some Valium and slipped under my blankets. I grabbed my stuffed rabbit & cuddled him. My tortie came in & curled up on my pillow, laying her head down […]

I wonder what percentage of hardcore WP bloggers stay hardcore forever. My stint was short-lived but I came back, only to find most everyone gone. So I’m leaving this blog as it is and hope everyone who has gone, privatized or become perforated are well or better than well. Goodbye wordpress.

Follow Blog via Email

Ocelot Online

Sitting in the window watching for my kids’ bus. A car pulls up and a boy, 7 or 8 in baseball getup, gets out and runs to the back of the house across the street. The car, silver, idles – a man inside. I start to hear pounding, as of fists on a door. The pitch […]

The depression is ingrained after so many years – there almost every day – but every day seems to have it’s own manifestation. I almost wish I was at my worst so I could hospitalize and be cared for. I wish I was dead but am not suicidal, the ideation is there but not the […]

A few more minor events stand out. There was a girl, 10 or 11, who had a paper route on North Beacon. My little gang – my Lebanese neighbors, a Jamaican girl from across the street – and I secretly mocked her. She must have been the only white girl in the neighborhood besides me. […]

I didn’t know I had Complex PTSD until I was 36 years old. I deliberately turned off my trauma – tossed it, pretended it never happened – when Social Services removed my sister and I from our mother’s custody and placed us with our newly sober and forever ex-criminal father. We never talked about our […]