Wednesday, July 14, 2010

With each of these cancer scares that Trevor has had over the last 2 years comes a sense of calm and strength in our marriage. It makes us stop and take a look at each other and really remember why we came together to share our lives. Sometimes when I want to punch him in the mouth because he's making me so crazy I just remember that feeling of not knowing what our future will be...will he be okay...will he die THIS time from cancer? And then I relax. I think MAN am I lucky to have this jackass in my life...in our daughters life....and then I move on. I swallow my pride WAY more now than ever before.

Trevor and I are also free spirits. We love the outdoors, the mountains, the streams, the nitty gritty of camping and bathing in lakes. Our hearts are happiest this way.When we were waiting for the biopsy results I couldn't help but think about Trevors job. How much he wants to do something different...something he LOVES. I though...if he has cancer this time....FUCK IT....we're going to pack our shit and go. To our family property in South Dakota....to a campground on the beaches of Michigan....to Spearfish Canyon to fly fish our hearts out....wherever our hearts would take us. Because life is SHORT and I'll be damned if my husband spends the last years of his life in a friggin' cubicle selling his ass off so we can have nice THINGS.

And then the biopsy was negative and the fire is gone. Well, I shouldn't say GONE...but it's dim. It's hard to make these changes in life. To give up our safe jobs and our cute little home to move into the unknown. But we WANT to do. It's just the all the "How's" that get in the way. Theseposts on Sundry's Blog have really inspired both Trevor & I in the last couple of days. It feels good to know that someone else is in this boat with us.

I think we can do it. I KNOW we can do it. We just need to make our plan.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

1) Exercise 4 times/week 2) Save money every month3) Be a patient wife and mom and daughter and friend and employee (sheesh!)4) Do the laundry and then fold it and then put it away.5) Let go of things I do not need.6) Lose weight. For the LOVE of God.7) Run a 5 or 10K for my 30th Birthday in September.

Things I'm doing to reach these goals:

1) Bought a new TRX to train on in my home. Starting a new running program.2) Subscribed to Mint.com- husband and I are working on this together.3) Working through some issues...this one is FOR sure a work in progress.4) I hate laundry.5) Began purging my attic yesterday...got rid of a huge bag of things. Garage sale in July.6) Starting The Fresh Diet for one month to jump start my weight loss and begin to re-learn portion control as well as rid my diet of sugar. Because I am a sugar addict.7) Ugh. I love running....but my weight is making it hard to do. Slow and steady with this one.

Friday, April 2, 2010

We have survived the winter.Yesterday was beautiful....in the high 70's with blue skies and chirping birds.My girl and I had a great day complete with a field trip with Jenni to Ginger Blossom, a lovely organic farm slash eclectic market. After...a picnic with banana cake for the ladies and a banana for the wee babe.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

My father in law is dying.He was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago...a rare type with no real course of treatment. He was told he could live 6 months or 5 years. He took the long way and did it with strength and courage.I do this for a living...I care for oncology patients through their struggles with their disease. I care for them when they get the first diagnosis. I care for them in their last days, hours, minutes. I have sat with many during their last breath. It is always powerful, always sad, always earth shattering, always beautiful. In that moment life becomes so small and so big all at once. With each of those moments I become more of who I am.

Now. Now, I am at the bedside of a great man. He is dying. My husbands father. His Daddy. His everything. We gather around him giving him comfort, reassurance. He knows he can trust us to do what is right. I am using my experience to gently float this family on a feather down the roughest waters. I am trying to be their nurse and also their family. Trying to be honest but not clinical. Realistic....but not harsh.

I always say that this job I have is the greatest teacher. I feel I know the secrets....I've been told by my patients. They share with me what they have learned so that I may see what is truly important in this life.

Let them be the ones to give me strength now. Let me be all that I need to be.