I had an interesting revelation the other day. I was trying to remember when I first started having anxiety, and a memory came to me that I now understand. When I was around 6-ish, I remember going to my mom and telling her that I didn't feel well. She asked what was wrong and I told her I felt homesick. She said that was silly because I was home with my family, I couldn't be homesick, and she dismissed me. I know now that I was having an anxiety attack, and the only way I knew to describe it was as homesick, because it was the way I felt anytime I was away from home. So I grew up feeling like I couldn't talk about it when I felt that way, and that the way I was feeling was 'wrong'.

Wow, that rings so true for me, too. While I didn't develop an anxiety disorder (a whole different beast than just anxiety) until 2009, I have had anxiety my whole life. I remember that "home sick" feeling while laying in my own bed at night. I often look back and want to hug the little girl I was.

_________________Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumblesIs this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface

So. I've been staring at this blank text box for about 20 minutes... I've never written in this thread before. I think it might help me to talk about anxiety stuff though, instead of just pretending that my behaviour is totally normal and not impinging on my life in any way.

Does anyone else get anxious about emailing/other online communication? Writing this post now is making me a bit panicky, I've deleted and rewritten every sentence about 3 times. I think some of the reasoning behind it is similar to my telephone anxiety in that I find it very difficult to talk to people without seeing their faces because I can't gauge their reactions. I've noticed a lot of talk about telephone anxiety on this thread and the triumphs over anxiety thread, just wondering if I'm the only email-phobic one!

Yesterday I managed to book myself a dentist appointment which was a small victory. I went to the dentists in person because I absolutely could not bring myself to phone but it's baby steps in the right direction at least. The appointment's tomorrow and I'm kind of terrified about that but I can't quite work out how much of that is irrational fear and how much is rational because I'm fairly sure I'm going to need a tonne of expensive work done and it's going to hurt. I just have to keep telling myself it'll all be over in 18 hours.

I had a freak out when I was out walking the dog today. I completely convinced myself that I was lost even though I've walked that route dozens of times and the area isn't THAT big. When I eventually got back to my car I was drowned in sweat. I was so exhausted after it that I passed out on the sofa for two hours. I'm sure if it wasn't for the medication that I am on I would have been completely hysterical. I only went back on it 2 weeks ago and haven't been able to cry or show outward signs of panic since going back on it but my mind just went completely irrational the way it goes when I panic.

Soooo I'm not sure if I'm capable of dating anyone I like anymore without having daily panic attacks. So that's fun.

I've totally been there before. <3

As have I, and it took months, and the most wonderful guy I've ever met, and panic attacks every time I saw him...but after a while, and him being understanding, and me pushing through them...he's now my fiance and is sitting right next to me now, and I've never been happier :DSo good luck...it can be overcome. Don't be afraid to talk about your issues with someone you're dating. You won't be able to hide your anxiety from them, so you may as well come clean. And if they are supportive, it can certainly help. Don't give up :)

So, I got a really bad cold and haven't been to internship in a week. I'm so paranoid that they're going to hold that against me, since they've held other things I couldn't help against me. It's making me quite anxious. At least I see the therapist is a few hours.

poopiebitch - that "homesick" thing really hit home with me, too. Whenever I am really, really down, all I can think is "I want to go home, I want to go home," even if I am home, or if the thing troubling me will be there when I go home.

Can anyone recommend any books for dealing with anxiety? I'm wondering if I should see a therapist but I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that (let alone having to look for one, and having to call to make an appointment). Basically I want some advice on anxiety management without having to do any of the things that have prevented me from seeking some kind of help in the first place, heh.

ETA: Bonus points if it's an ebook.

_________________"I feel like it's not a real political discussion if I'm not morally opposed to something I don't understand." - ndpittman

b.vicious- Look up mindfulness. When I wasn't feeling too great the psychiatrist I work with went through it me and it really helped. The gist of it is it gets you to concentrate on physical feelings rather than emotional. I'm not sure what books there are on it that are worth reading. My concentration is so bad these days that I haven't been able to get around to looking up more on it.

I haven't read this thread in a long time because my own anxiety problems had been so under control and reading this thread made me feel anxious. I have had some pretty rough times over the past two weeks though. I have had so many tight deadlines that I have been struggling to meet, my cat has been sick (found out today it's diabetes, which is actually not that big of a deal, thankfully), I have been sick, and I have been stressing out about money. Ugh. I have felt myself on the verge of panic attacks so many times, which has made me feel so crappy. Crappy physically... but also because I spent so much time and money in therapy to deal with this stuff, and dipping back into panic attacks makes me feel like all of that time and money was wasted, or like I haven't made as much progress as I thought I did.

In this moment though, when I am actually feeling good, I know those thoughts are such bullshiitake. If it were true that I hadn't made any progress then I would be crippled by the panic attacks. I would be having this several times a day, and they would be BAD. Instead, I am feeling the initial stages, but I am able to deal with them and move on from them before they escalate. And that realization is SO GREAT!!

takecare, I feel you. It's also helpful to remember that anxiety isn't something you're ever, like, cured of. Those of us who have dealt with severe anxiety will always have those...tendencies towards catastrophic thinking. It's an ongoing process. You keep picking yourself up off the ground and trying again. It's all practice, it's not a test of your abilities to cope each time you feel anxiety. And it'll be okay.

_________________Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumblesIs this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface

So I've been letting this social (?) anxiety take me over for the most part. I've been good in that I've been fine meeting people on my own, individually, but someone keeps inviting me to hang out with them and their group of friends and I feel bad that I keep turning them down because I'm so anxious that I start feeling physically ill. It makes me feel terrible because this person has been so patient and understanding of my anxiety and they hang out with me one on one while still inviting me to group activities. I just want to be normal.

(I know, I know. What is normal?)

eta: I know what one of my problems is with this group. They're all really intelligent about subjects that I know nothing about and I'm afraid I'm going to say something to sound or seem stupid in front of them, or that I won't be able to relate to them in any way. It's making me really sad just to type this. I feel less-than.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

Now for me: I just realized that I should be really proud of myself. Perhaps some of you may recall that about a month ago I was threatened with expulsion from my internship for not really having done anything wrong. I just realized that I haven't had a single panic attack over this. Years ago, I'd surely be having constant monster attacks, as even things like going to class on a normal day would start me panicking. But this year, I've been really stressed, but no panic attacks. None. It's an amazing feeling.

This is awesome, you should be posting this in the Triumphs thread! I hope it stays this way.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

I've had a rough last week. Totally triggered by school (in my head, not really anything outside), like usual. I started seeing my old therapist a month ago and working on cbt techniques, but this past week they've just failed me. I feel so stressed out that every time I try to work on my thesis, I procrastinate like crazy because my brain is just refusing to cooperate. If I succeed in getting myself to focus on it then I start panicking and crying uncontrollably, which lasts for a couple of hours. And then I feel exhausted from crying and being stressed and can't work. And the more this happens the more conscious I am of wasting time and the more stressed I get. It's so ridiculous. Nothing in particular triggered it either.

So today my therapist suggested trying medication again, she's recommending cipralex. I'm pretty reluctant about it but I also know that I'm not functioning properly right now and need some help. Last time I started celexa, I felt pretty foggy for about a week, I wrote a paper that week and it was just awful because I couldn't focus on it. She said that it can make you feel super energetic right away and then cause drowsiness ~6 hours later, but that no effects will be very strong because I'm starting on 1/2 the lowest dose. I have a midterm tomorrow and I'm afraid I'll get brain fog and not do well if I start today, but it sounds like there are pretty immediate benefits so I also don't want to wait. What to do, what to do...

So I've been letting this social (?) anxiety take me over for the most part. I've been good in that I've been fine meeting people on my own, individually, but someone keeps inviting me to hang out with them and their group of friends and I feel bad that I keep turning them down because I'm so anxious that I start feeling physically ill. It makes me feel terrible because this person has been so patient and understanding of my anxiety and they hang out with me one on one while still inviting me to group activities. I just want to be normal.

(I know, I know. What is normal?)

eta: I know what one of my problems is with this group. They're all really intelligent about subjects that I know nothing about and I'm afraid I'm going to say something to sound or seem stupid in front of them, or that I won't be able to relate to them in any way. It's making me really sad just to type this. I feel less-than.

Aw, hugs! Do you want to get to know these people, or do you just feel bad turning down the repeated invitations? I say try not to feel bad about yourself and your anxiety for not wanting to take part in this situation. Lots of people just aren't group people, anxiety or no, and there's nothing wrong with telling your friend that.

pistachiorose, I hear you. I'm kind of faced with that dilemma as well. Every now and then I'll be sitting and writing and I'll find myself hyperventilating because of anxiety at the whole process. And then I also can't sleep because all of my dreams are about school and I wake up stressed out in the middle of the night. But if I take my therapist's suggestion for meds I'm worried it will mess me up more for a while and I *do not* have time to lose at this point! If you try it, let us know how it goes?

My acupuncturist insisted that setting aside some time each week when I am not allowed to work on school stuff would help with that feeling of wasting time/being unable to breathe. We'll see. Also, if I have to travel for job interviews I don't know how I'm going to handle that. It's 50/50 if I'll be fine or if I'll be a total mess...

I totally get the whole not wanting to lose more time thing. Setting aside a set period of time to not do/think anything school-related is probably good, but I feel like I can't do that since I've already procrastinated so much. But when I procrastinate then I don't feel any better than if I was working, so there's no relief. Ugh. About cipralex, my therapist is encouraging me to try it for a week and see how it goes. She says there are both immediate and long-term benefits to taking it, so I should feel a difference pretty quickly. Apparently it is sometimes used to treat premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and in that case patients take it (a low dose) for only 1 week out of every month, before their period. Interesting!

The fact that people take it short term definitely does make it sound less scary! I'm debating asking about Buspar (if the mindfulness stuff doesn't cut it). It sounds like it has some of the fewest side effects at least.

And hah, yes! That's exactly the response I gave my acupuncturist too. But she was adamant that since I was going to procrastinate anyway I should just schedule the time so I'd stop feeling bad about it and could be more productive later.

Well, it's been 1.5 weeks now and I'm feeling pretty good! The main cipralex side effects so far have been a reduced sleep schedule - last week I could only sleep in 4-hour increments, so I would wake up in the middle of the night for an hour or so and then fall back asleep. This week it has extended to 5.5 hours, which makes it even harder to get back to sleep because it's *almost* a decent amount of sleep, but not quite. Honestly though, it doesn't bother me that much - generally I find that I'm ready to jump out of bed in the morning and then get pretty sleepy at ~10pm, which is awesome. Before, I would pretty much negotiate with myself about getting out of bed, I felt sooo tired and thought it was because I wasn't used to how much work school is, but my therapist is saying that it was probably a depressive symptom. I would also get an impending sense of doom every time I sat down to work on my thesis, but now I feel more energetic and actually excited about what I'm doing! Besides sleeping less, the only other side effect I've noticed is dry mouth, but it seems to have improved since last week.

Ok that was a bit of a rant, but in short, everything seems to be going really well and I was hesitant to go back on medication but now I'm really glad I did.

Ugh... a cauldron of random baseline anxiety has been bubbling in my gut and choking my heart this entire afternoon. It's been months since I felt this sensation, and my usual methods of coping are not helping. No good reason for the anxiety, not that there ever is. It's just there. Thanks, old "friend."

Soooo I'm not sure if I'm capable of dating anyone I like anymore without having daily panic attacks. So that's fun.

I've totally been there before. <3

As have I, and it took months, and the most wonderful guy I've ever met, and panic attacks every time I saw him...but after a while, and him being understanding, and me pushing through them...he's now my fiance and is sitting right next to me now, and I've never been happier :DSo good luck...it can be overcome. Don't be afraid to talk about your issues with someone you're dating. You won't be able to hide your anxiety from them, so you may as well come clean. And if they are supportive, it can certainly help. Don't give up :)

Huh. I'm sorry that other people have also been dealing with this, but it's also good to hear I'm not alone. I used to think that if I got such strong anxiety attacks when dating that it meant I was dating the wrong person, but I really don't think that's the case... because it happens with EVERYONE, even people I really like a lot.