Will Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston Make It? We Calculate the Odds

July 15, 2010

Since, as Us Weekly informed us all (including, apparently, Sarah Palin) yesterday, Levi Johnson has finally offered to make an honest woman of Bristol Palin — and Bristol has accepted! — we’re been wondering: How does Levi’s proposal fare in light of all of the impressive proposal efforts we’ve seen of late (trained clowns, graffiti artists, boy bands)? And what’s our star-crossed couple’s chance of making it, anyway? We’ve employed the super-scientific Runnin’ Scared engagement analyzer to give us an inkling of the odds.

Creativity of Proposal: (0). Sorry. Levi went with the tired “flowers all over the room/rose petals in the shape of a heart on the bed” tactic, straight off the Lifetime Network. 2 points, however, for being able to convincingly arrange rose petals in the shape of a human organ. Even though he’s done this whole engagement thing once before (-2).

Suppleness: He was able to get down on one knee and everything! (+10). And, he’s 20 (+10, but, oh, -10). But, Sarah was only 24 when she married Todd, and they’re still together…Draw.

Suaveness: No hesitation during proposal (+5); blushing when engagement is discussed on camera (-3).

Previous Rotten Behaviors That Must Be Withstood: -10 for talking shit about his baby mamma and fam after a) getting her knocked up and b) their first engagement going south.

Historical Precedence: See above, below (-10).

Remorse: He admits his wrongdoing, especially “not being there” for his 18-month-son, and is keen to “make it right.” (+20)

Veracity of Afore-Mentioned Remorse: God only knows.

Willingness to Go Along With Us Weekly Engagement Announcement and Interviews: -50

Overall Chances of This Thing Enduring: At 20 and 19, respectively, the happy couple is still not of legal drinking age. One really needs to drink for an effective marriage (-10). Also, they’re now both about to be related to Sarah Palin (-20). But, hey, you know it’s right when it feels right “when you’re takin’ a car ride, watchin’ TV, or just fishin’ together!”

Whatever, we’re suckers for love (+100, for a fightin’ chance): Best of luck, you crazy kids!