Russell Friedman

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask John & Russell

When the last interaction between people before one dies, was negative. (Published 6-21-11)

Q:

Anonymous from California writes:

My sister-in-law recently passed away. We had a falling out about a year ago. I apologized to her, but she would never accept my apology, or see me again. I am very saddened by her death. My question is how does a person get over this type of loss, when there was no way to reach the person before they passed?

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Anon,

Unfortunately, your story is all too common, where the last interaction between people before one dies was negative.

But even in good relationships where the last communications were sweet and loving, the griever is often left with things they wish had happened differently, better, or more, and with unrealized hopes, dream, and expectations about the future.

Which means that the unfinished or undelivered communication will have to be dealt with indirectly.

For you that means that the issue is NOT that the last interactions were bad, but that they were unfinished.

For example, when my mom died suddenly, 17 years ago, I realized that I had never thanked her for never giving up on me as I tried to find my way in life when I was younger.

Since she had died, I could not tell her how much I appreciated that directly. So I had to do it indirectly.

I tell you that so you can remove the focus from the fact that you cannot get squared away with your sister-in-law, face-to-face. And I tell it to you so you’ll realize that it’s not just because it was a bad thing or problem between you at the end, but that it is something you have to deal with on your own now. Also, I’d guess that there were many more elements to your relationship with her, including probably some good things. You will need to look at the whole relationship, not just the ending.

What I had to communicate to my mother was very positive, but I had to communicate my appreciation to her indirectly.

Please get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and work your way through the actions it outlines, you’ll learn how to get complete with everything that was left unfinished for you with your sister-in-law.