You do it with job interviews, planned vacations, things as small
as meeting for drinks after work all the way to how your cycle is going to
end...

I've imagined that my blog would become a documentary or feature
film.

I've even imagined starting a Facebook page for Runt that would rival Grumpy Cat!

You imagine all these wonderful, beautiful scenarios hoping that
something wonderful and beautiful will come out of whatever situation has your
imagination a buzz.

It's amazing how many outcomes that have never come to see the
light of day that have lived inside my head.

But it never ends the way I imagined. (Although Runt could still have
his own Facebook page!)

I just keep coming up with these scenarios and it seems that all
the scenarios that I have created always end up happening for others!

With my first pregnancy, I was still bartending. For the first
month I would sneak off from behind the bar to grab a snack to settle my
stomach or to get away from a nauseating smell usually emanating from a patron
and all the while I am imagining how I am going to tell all my "Leaf"
girls and how with each shift my belly will
become more and more visible.

But no, that didn't happen. I miscarried on Saint Patrick's day
while bartending and no one was the wiser. I always think to myself..."Man
it's a good thing our uniform had black pants"...because on that day all
would have been the wiser if we didn't.

I ended up leaving that job and not too long after one of my
"Leaf" girls got pregnant and with each shift she worked her beautiful
belly became more and more visible.

I've imagined an "oops" natural pregnancy (and yes there
were "opportunities")...but that vision was not for me...but for
someone else...

I've imagined high betas, twins, ultrasounds, due dates...

Nope...nope...nope
and nope...all to others.

I've imagined my adoption coming through and every Sunday in
church when Pastor Don does "Time
with Children" I envision my little baby (okay boy, I will admit
it...when I've envisioned it, it was my little boy) running up and sitting on
the steps next him.

Actually there have been many things I have imagined in church.

All not so pleasant though.

As I have stated before I am struggling. Struggling with faith. And
giving up on believing...

So many times in church, especially when we are sharing the sign
of peace I almost expect the whole congregation to turn and point at me while screaming because they have spotted a non believer in their midst...just
like the scene at the end of Invasion of
the Body Snatchers....

Especially now since I have made the conscious decision to say
"He is not."

I don't have the heart to tell Pastor Don. I don't have the heart
to tell him I don't believe.

See Pastor Don wrote the most amazing letter of recommendation for
me for my adoption so I always envisioned walking into church with my baby
knowing he would be blessing my baby and my baby would inherit his faith.

If on Sunday there's a Christening. I watch the service in a daze as
I day dream about Pastor Don holding my little baby up for all the congregation
to see as everyone sings "Jesus Love Me".

And if there was one daydream, one scenario that I have
envisioned, that I would give anything to see come true it would be that...but
once again it is not for me...it is for someone else...

Pastor Don has retired.

He ends his service in one month.

I already feel like such an imposter. But if there is one thing that I do believe
in when I walk into that church...it is Pastor Don.

I believe in him.

I believe he believes...

Without him I don't know if I can keep up the facade.

I can't envision sitting in the pew listening to another give a
sermon...

5 comments:

I've been feeling a bit like this about my faith too. I was so into it and now it's crumbling. My husband's faith is a high point. I don't want to bring him down. And I feel embarrassed to bring my concerns to the pastor. What was once a source of support for me is now a big question mark.

I'm sorry to hear that your pastor is retiring. When all of this crap keeps happening, you have to wonder if life is just messing with you or is holding out to give you something good in the end. Most of the time, statistically speaking, it is the latter, although you'd never believe it while wading through the crapfest. I hope your gift comes soon.

I'm sorry you are losing Pastor Don. :-( I relate to what you're saying about imagining the future and it being hard when that future doesn't materialize. You're not alone in these feeling of frustration and sadness. And sometimes they come up more around losses like you're feeling with Pastor Don. Hoping some good things come your way this summer.

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About Me

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ~ Shel Silverstein
Contact me at asinglejourney@ymail.com