This Way to Hotter Sex

Your love life is speeding along and you’re pulling into ecstasy station nearly every night when…bam! Something big happens—you get fired or have a baby—and sex as you know it takes a detour. Although some events (a promotion!) can light your libido on fire, major life shifts often present a passion speed bump. “All your physical and emotional energy is tied up in worrying about how you’re going to adapt to this change,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and sex therapist in New York City and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship (Sourcebooks).

That happened to me when my husband and I left the city for the burbs. Amidst my anxiety over becoming a suburbanite and my obsession with creating a perfect new home, I forgot to pack the box marked Francesca’s libido. As I found out, sur—ahem—mounting that challenge to our love life had good and bad consequences inside the bedroom. “If you can continue to have sex while you’re in transition, you create a safe haven for you and your partner,” says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., coauthor of Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style (Routledge). “It’s a way of saying, ‘Yes, things are out of control, but we are together, and we are going to survive this.'” In fact, studies show that couples who maintain a healthy sex life are able to face challenges with more resilience than those who say, “Not tonight, babe.” By using the vulnerability you feel to connect more deeply with your partner, you can feel more passionate about your whole life—including sex. We’ve taken milestone events experts say shake up your libido the most to show you how to keep your sex life zipping along no matter what else is going on!

The Big Life Shift: Being Promoted

The good news? You’re so amped up by your impressive title and those extra zeros on your paycheck, you want to do it on the desk in your new corner office. Pam (her and other names have been changed), 38, a managing partner in a wealth-management team in the Washington, D.C., metro area, saw a big boom in her desire when she made partner. “Doing well at work made me feel more empowered to take charge in the bedroom,” she says. The bad news? You’re stuck at the office so late, your honey is fast asleep by the time you get home. And the stress that comes along with your success can give your sex drive a pink slip: “Work anxiety can turn into performance anxiety in the bedroom,” Greer says.

How to navigate it Even if you do get home at a decent hour, going from buttoned-up businesswoman to bombshell sex goddess at the end of a long day can be a challenge. To prime your engine, sext your man during the day (and encourage him to do the same). And because you have such a small window of time to get it on, dismiss all your other to-do’s until you’ve done the deed. “Screw the dishes and have sex!” says Cloe Madanes, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego. The key for Pam has been making sex a priority, despite her schedule: “If we haven’t had sex since last weekend, we make a date on the calendar to do it,” she says.

The Big Life Shift: Having a Baby

Wah! Wah! Wah! That’s not your bundle of joy. It’s your former sexpot self crying because she’s trapped inside a body that’s exhausted by late-night feedings and heavy with baby weight. Although most doctors green-light sex about six weeks after giving birth, breast feeding, hormone swings, pain below the belt and fatigue can mean you don’t want to get busy for months. After Lyn, 46, a stay-at-home mom in Honolulu, had her son, she was weary from nursing him six times a day. “My sex life completely flatlined,” she says. “I could see the longing in my husband’s eyes, but the best I could do was bear hugs.”

How to navigate it You may not have control over your roller-coaster hormones or 3 A.M. feedings, but you can use a smidgen of the energy you have left to rediscover your inner sexpot. “Most postpartum women have the ability to respond sexually—once they get going,” explains Marjorie Greenfield, M.D., author of The Working Woman’s Pregnancy Book (Yale University Press). Touching in a nonsexual way (a massage from your mate) can help you get in the mood, Dr. Greenfield says. Lyn was too tired for hot-and-heavy sessions at first, but she felt comfortable showering with her husband. Sometimes a steamy shower led to steamy sex; other times, it just helped her feel connected to him. Most important, she identified her stepping-stone to arousal. “Afterward, I would always tell my husband, ‘I feel like your wife again,'” she says.

The Big Life Shift: Walking Down the Aisle

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes sex! And plenty of it. “The emotional security that comes with marriage can make you willing to take more sexual risks,” Greer says. Emilie, 27, a yoga and ski instructor in Sun Valley, Idaho, says she was surprised by how sexually liberated she felt after getting hitched a year ago. “The drama of ‘Is he right for me?’ was over, and I was much more relaxed,” she explains. She found herself taking more initiative in the sack: “We started trying new positions and doing it in new places—we even sneaked off and had sex in the bathroom at a friend’s wedding,” she says. That newlywed swooning only lasts for so long before “forever after” anxieties can start to creep in, though. “I have worried, How long can we be this passionate?” Emilie admits.

How to navigate it If you wake up one morning and realize you’d rather catch up on some sleep than have sex with your beloved, no need to call 1-800-DIVORCE. You’re simply acclimating to married life. “It’s natural for your sexual gusto to balance out as you settle into your roles of husband and wife,” explains Greer, who says worrying about a sex rut in the future is a waste of time. Anxieties about living happily ever after together, however, can mess with your mojo: Those “’til death do us part” vows can turn minor annoyances (he keeps leaving the toilet seat up!) into major turnoffs (I have to deal with this forever?). The way back to happy-go-lucky lovemaking: Establish a pattern of talking things out on a regular basis. “Whenever I feel disconnected, we have a heart-to-heart, and I’m reassured that we made the right choice,” Emilie says.

A new home should be a couple’s sex dream come true: You can do it on the new counter! In the whirlpool tub! But “the tension that builds when you’re in a new place, out of touch with all the external trimmings that provide a sense of security, can put a damper on your desire,” Greer says. Add to that the squabbles over where things should go, who should do what when—and oh, yeah, that big pile of bills!—and you wind up fighting (not you-know-what-ing) in the foyer. For me, once we’d bought that new house in the suburbs two years ago, sex took a backseat to the all-consuming process of turning it into a home. My urge to organize closets and pick out paint chips was so strong, I barely kissed David good night the first month. He sensed my distraction and backed off. We fell into a dry spell, and I felt guilty for having an affair with our house.

How to navigate it Whether you’re fighting over fixing up your new digs or distracted by decorating it, sex can quickly get relegated to the bottom of your to-do list. The solution, Greer says, is to tackle home projects and problems as a team. “A shared sense of accomplishment is an aphrodisiac,” she explains. She’s right—when David helped make my dream of an organized closet come true by volunteering to install shelves, I became attracted to him all over again. When the last screw was drilled into place, we finally christened our new bedroom.

The Big Life Shift: Getting Fired

It may be strictly business, but being let go is the equivalent of a corporation breaking up with you. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity are inevitable. They’re also likely to make your sexual ambition resign altogether. When Hillary,* 30, of Madison, Wisconsin, was fired from her job at a publishing company, she was devastated. “My job boosted my self-esteem, and without that external source of confidence I didn’t feel attractive,” she says. “I could never quiet my anxiety about finding a new job long enough to get in the mood.”

How to navigate it You can’t go to a headhunter to rehire your desire. But you can recoup your mojo by taking on a project you’ve always wanted to tackle that requires the same effort and commitment you put into work (finally learn how to speak French!). “Mastering a skill or finishing a project will stoke your sexual confidence,” Greer says. At the same time, take advantage of your more flexible schedule by making the most of previously stressful moments with your mate—instead of ordering takeout (again) because you’re too tired to cook, whip up a delicious, candlelit dinner. Plan activities you can do as a couple that you both really enjoy, like seeing your favorite band in concert. “If you use the crisis in your life to figure out how to enjoy each other more, the upheaval can be rewarding and even romantic,” Greer explains. “Looking for a job is a full-time job, so I didn’t have more time on my hands,” Hillary says. “But my husband and I made an effort to stay connected by playing Scrabble and talking in our hammock.”

The Big Life Shift: A Scary Diagnosis

A case of the sniffles makes you lose interest in sex. So it’s no surprise that when a serious sickness strikes—whether it’s diabetes or depression—your libido suffers. “Between your symptoms, treatment and fatigue, you most likely will not feel sexy in the way that you are used to feeling sexy,” Dr. Greenfield says. When Karen, 37, a teacher in North Tonawanda, New York, was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, she was often too achy and tired to make love with her husband, Dave. “When you’re not feeling well, sex is the last thing on your mind,” she says. But after the initial shock of diagnosis, many women find that they want to make love. “The urge for sex is very primal, and the life-affirming qualities can be healing,” Dr. Greenfield says.

How to navigate Talking to your M.D. about your sexual issues is the first step: Some medications can zap your libido, for example, and it’s worth exploring other prescriptions that don’t have such side effects. The second step: Take the pressure off yourself to have as much sex as you did pre-diagnosis. “We don’t let when we ‘should’ make love override the security in our marriage,” Karen says. Another tactic is to substitute meaningful intimacy for sex when you’re not feeling well. “I feel sore and weak when I take my weekly injection,” Karen explains. “Dave tries to help me feel better by rubbing my limbs and keeping me warm, which always makes us feel closer.” Rethinking how you define sex can increase your pleasure potential, too: You may no longer be able to twist yourself into Kama Sutra positions, but you can still engage in foreplay and oral sex. “Experimenting with different ways to express yourself sexually can be exciting for you and your partner,” Dr. Greenfield says.

The Big Life Shift: Weight Loss

When your body is smokin’, sex is burn-the-house-down-hot, right? Not so fast. “There is usually a gap between how you see yourself and how you actually look after you’ve lost a lot of weight,” Greer says. This disparity plays out in many ways in bed: You may still feel uneasy keeping the lights on or exploring certain positions. Alicia, 36, an attorney in East Rutherford, New Jersey, recalls a weekend getaway to Las Vegas with her husband after she had dropped 60 pounds. She thought she was ready to try anything until Sean suggested they watch themselves in the hotel mirror while doing it from behind. “I could only focus on my body parts that were still flabby, and it made me feel bad,” she says. “I wouldn’t have sex in that position again for a long time.”

How to navigate it Give your brain some time to catch up with your hot new bod. “You need to experience the emotional growth that goes with the physical weight loss,” explains Greer, who advises slowly integrating more adventurous moves into your repertoire. Maybe you’re OK leaving a night-light on after you’ve lost 5 pounds, but even after you’ve lost 10, you’re still not ready to be on top. One way to jump-start the mind-body connection is to create tangible proof of your new weight. Translation: Splurge on some sexy lingerie! “It’s a celebratory way to get comfortable in your new skin,” Greer says. Alicia went on a push-up-bra-and-Brazilian-thong shopping frenzy. “As soon as I put on that push-up, I looked the way I always wanted to look and knew I was ready to try new things,” she says. Soon after, she and her husband had sex with the lights on, standing up. “I felt so confident that I initiated it. I was on a high for two weeks after that!”

The Big Life Shift: Breaking Up

Splits aren’t an aphrodisiac, granted! But the sexual aftermath depends on how it ended: If you did the dumping, you may feel guilty that you hurt someone you once loved; you also may feel liberated and be ready to see other people. If you were broken up with, your sense of desirability may be crushed. When there’s infidelity, some women want to prove they are still attractive by sleeping around. Others go into retreat mode, shelving their romantic hopes and focusing on things that help them heal. Tricia, 41, an account executive in San Francisco who divorced her husband of 10 years after she found out he was cheating, experienced a combo platter of these reactions. “At first, I felt rejected,” she says. But a year after her divorce, she bumped into Esteban, an old college crush, at a bar and wound up going home with him. “I was ready to put myself back out there,” she says. That night, she had a wake-the-neighbors orgasm—something that never happened during her marriage.

How to navigate it Tricia was surprised by her, er, climactic experience with Esteban, but Greer isn’t. Tricia mended her broken heart by carving out a new identity for herself, reconnecting with old friends and challenging herself to do new things, like travel alone to London and Barcelona. “You need to feel confident in your new single skin before expressing yourself sexually,” Greer explains. Exploring your sexuality as a freshly single woman is key, too: Tricia spent more time masturbating post-divorce. “Self-pleasure is important to rediscovering what feels good to you,” Greer says. Through masturbation and sleeping with Esteban, Tricia developed a newfound sexual confidence. She says, “Now I believe that I’m attractive, and I know what I like in and out of bed.”