Jordan Gray says that your emotional presence, passion, and desire for your partner will always be more important than masterful sexual technique.

While sexual technique is certainly a part of every amazing lovers skill set, it’s mayyyyybe worth 10-20% of the entire package.

Because the truth is… when it comes to being an amazing lover, your presence, passion, and desire for your lover will trump that twirly tongue thing you can do ten times out of ten.

When it comes to being an amazing lover, above all else, the emotional content behind what you do is the most important tool that you can intentionally develop in order to skyrocket your bedroom prowess. It’s not what you do that wow’s her, its how you do it.

So how exactly do you connect with and develop the emotional content of your bedroom abilities? I’m glad you asked.

Here are five exercises that you can do, in and out of the bedroom, that will help your woman feel more safe, sexy, seen, and connected to you.

1. Directly face and work through your unresolved emotional demons

What? I thought we were talking about sex? Oh we are. We definitely are.

Before women can deeply open up to their partners, they have to feel safe. What makes them feel safe? Heart-connected, present lovers who have enough free attention to be fully with them in the moment. What prevents men from being fully present with their partners? Unresolved, stuck emotional energy. And how do you process that stuck emotional energy? You guessed it. By doing your work. By feeling your unfelt feelings. By taking ownership of your emotional demons and feeling your way through as much of the emotional residue that you have stuck inside of you. Once you fully penetrate yourself and have the courage to walk through your own fire, your partner will be able to have that much more trust in your abilities to hold her hand and take her safely into her own fire.

She wants to feel the strength and experience of being with a man who has had the courage to face himself. To walk through his own fire. Do that… BE that… and she will open to you like never before.

2. Connect with your masculine beast in the gym

Once you have processed some of your residual emotional content and you feel more whole hearted in your presence with your lover, it’s time to flex your beast muscles.

A lot of men (at least in the majority of the developed world) are highly disconnected from the darker, more animalistic side of their sexuality.

To use the yin/yang analogy… the light sexual energy is playful, curious and explorative… while the darker sexual energy is more aggressive, selfish, and dominant. Neither energy is more correct or beneficial than the other… they are simply two complementary halves to the same whole.

In order to reconnect with your sexual beast/darker sexual energy, go to the gym (or do some form of exercise) at least once per week where you experience peak-level experiences where you feel challenged. You know that face you make when you’re lifting the heaviest weights you possibly can (or if you don’t lift weights, you can imagine what that face looks like)? That’s you tapping into a piece of your yang (masculine/darker) energy.

It’s hard to score a bulls-eye on a dart board if you don’t know where the target is. Once you have a better relationship with your masculine energy you will be able to plug back into it that much easier in the bedroom.

3. Take dance classes to connect to the way that your body moves

Another slightly unorthodox trick that might seem really strange and irrelevant until you actually try it.

Give your body five classes of any one form of partnered ballroom dancing (tango, cha cha, west coast swing, salsa, etc.) and you’ll see what I mean. Especially if you have a relatively stationary job (like sitting at a computer all day, every day) taking up some form of dance part time is one of the best ways that you can reconnect to the way that your body moves. The benefits of this and how they parlay themselves into your bedroom abilities are innumerable. You become more flexible, you become more aware of your breath, you understand placement of your body in relation to another person, you learn how to lead, you learn how to move with grace and ease… I could go on. Just try it. You’ll be glad you did (but not as glad as she’ll be).

4. The ‘Own the room’ technique

(I would encourage you to practice it starting right now, and then you can begin to incorporate it into your sex life with your partner once you have a basic relationship with it.)

I want you to close your eyes and set the intention of taking full responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for the rate of your breath, for what your heart is doing, for how you’re currently positioned. Take responsibility for every cell in your body. You might want to say something like “I have you”, or “I take responsibility for every part of my being”… whatever feels right for you.

You’ve just begun the first major step in your process towards the ‘Owning the room’ technique.

Okay, on to the next level.

If there is someone else in the room with you (either within a few feet of you, or far away but still visible) do the same exercise but take responsibility for yourself and for them. Take responsibility for their experience of life in this moment, and feel responsible for their safety, comfort, and security. Absorb them into your circle of responsibly.

Now that you’ve experienced what it feels like to take responsibility of yourself, and yourself plus another, it’s time to incorporate the entire room into your sphere of responsibility.

Close your eyes, and breathe into the experience of being responsible for the entire room around you. Regardless of whether there are hundreds of people around you or zero… fully own the room and take responsibility for it.

That’s it. That’s the ‘Own the room’ technique. Incorporate a piece of that intention into your lovemaking (taking responsibility for yourself, herself, your shared experience, and the room) and she will undoubtedly feel it.

5. Slow the f*ck down

(Get it?)

One of the most efficient ways to decrease your mental and emotional presence in bed is to rush through everything.

Intimate and emotional connection happens in the spaces between events occurring. Want an example? Your significant other tells you something big/vulnerable/scary that they’ve been afraid to tell you for weeks… and it is in the silence immediately after they spill their news that you fall another layer in love with them. Our connection needs time and space to breathe. And it is the same in our sexual connection.

Instead of ploughing through the sexual acts like bullet point items on a checklist, slow the f*ck down.

Imagine that you and your lover are surrounded on all sides with thick, warm honey (that you can still breathe in). Imagine how that would force you to slow your movements. Dial in to the pleasure that your body is receiving. Feel into your woman’s heart and body and fully experience her in her pleasure. Be a witness to her pleasure… her soft skin, her moans, the quality of her eye contact as she looks at you… while also experiencing part of her pleasure as her. If you want to magnify the effect of the previous four tips, slow the f*ck down.

Incorporate half of these techniques into your life to some degree and your sex life will never be the same.

If you want to dig in to having an ever-expanding, heart-opening love life, you can check out my video course Supercharge Your Sex Life. I’m constantly updating it with my newest and best techniques for men to have the best sex lives possible.

About Jordan Gray

Sex and relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks and maintain thriving intimate relationships. When he's not coaching clients or writing new books, Jordan loves to pretend he's good at surfing, immerse himself in new cultures, and savour slow-motion hang outs with his closest companions. You can see more of his writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com