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What I shouldn't be saying...

Eric... I'm tired of hurting over you. I'm tired of wondering if you miss me. I'm tired of not being able to get through a day without thinking about you. I'm tired of wondering how you can just suddenly be okay without me. It doesn't make sense to me.. how.. the first time we "broke up" you said you didn't understand how I could bail on you saying I still loved you. But you did it to me too. I'm tired of waking up every day and the first damn thing I do is check my phone for a missed call or text from you. I'm tired of waiting for you to pull up in my driveway. I miss having lunch with you.. and all the stupid things we used to do. I just want to feel better. I'm tired of waiting for a letter from you, and waiting for you to come back. I just dont know how to stop. I can't even drive anywhere without looking for your vehicle. I constantly look for you. I've considered showing up at your house.. but what good would that do? I dread seeing you somewhere.. knowing that your face would kill me. I wonder.. if you check my Instagram account. I can't check yours. I wonder if it kills you that I deleted my facebook account.. knowing you can't check up on me. I wonder if you've tried. The hardest part was getting rid of all the evidence that you were ever in my life. I thought that returning all of your shirts and cd's would help.. but it hasn't. You haven't returned anything of mine. And I wonder why. I wonder if you've just thrown everything away. I wonder if you've read the letter I wrote you.. and if it had any effect on you. I'm just tired.. I almost want to change my number, so you would have to fight harder to contact me.. and then think I would regret it if you tried to contact me and then would give up. I dont think I'll ever feel anything for anyone as strongly as I did for you... That last night.. all I wanted to do was hug you.. and when I asked if I could, you said "why?"... If I could just find a way to make the hurting stop... I love you, Erock.