life sucks, and then you thrive

Category: Uncategorized

I just got back from yoga, made my not very healthy, but yummy post-yoga-smoothie, grabbed some hummus and pita, and sat down to do my homework. Then I saw that I got an email from WordPress and decided, hey – I should sit down and write another blog!

I like this new thing I’m doing – letting go of perfection. It’s really helping me with my hardcore procrastination/waiting until the stars align before making a move. I always think I need to be in the right emotional state before I can do anything, especially painting or drawing, writing, or really anything that requires inspiration. While I still believe that I do my best work when I am feeling passionate or emotional, I am beginning to realize this waiting is holding me back too much.

Thinking back, I didn’t have the luxury to sit around when I was in art school and wait for inspiration. I couldn’t afford to wait to be in the mood to do my work, and I actually did really well. In fact, when I was in art school, my marriage was falling apart completely and my future was completely up in the air.

So, maybe I don’t have to be in the perfect place emotionally and mentally before doing something?? What a concept!

I think there is something to just DOING, just moving forward in some direction.

So here I am. It’s Friday, I am alone (meh), I have tons of homework, and I am totally stressed about how I am going to make money in a few months when I run out. However, I am taking the time to put my thoughts down on “paper.” For me, this is an important part of my process, so why not do it for the world to see? I don’t know.

Ugh, I know I need to write a blog that is actually interesting and helpful to others, because, honestly, those are the blogs I read. So, I need to get my act together!

In the meantime…

I was reading this book and came across this quote by Albert Einstein.

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.

Oh, I love that so much. When I consider how tiny we are in the universe, I mean really, and we get to live this life at this time, right now, having these experiences. It really is a miracle that somehow everything came together and we are conscious, sentient beings living on this planet that is just the right distance from our sun so we can survive and dare I say, thrive?!

Speaking of miracles, I have just begun my final semester of my undergrad. For me, this is a miracle, and has been a very long time coming. I had to experience a lot of chaos before getting to this point. Almost every day, walking onto campus at Cal State Fullerton, I feel a swelling of gratitude almost to the point of tears, I mean really, it is kind of silly. I really am though, beyond grateful to still be here and nearing the end of the longest most ridiculous journey.

I took my first community college classes when my oldest daughter was two. To put this into context, she is 26 now. I have been to hell and back in that time, but I have learned so much, as trite as that sounds. Blah blah.

Where was I going with this?

Oh I wanted to say something about the word “perfectionist.” I hate it. I really hate it, and I don’t like calling myself that, because then I think that people will expect me to do things perfectly, or even just better than other people, and that is 100% not the case ever, ever.

Calling myself a perfectionist is such a mind-F because I really don’t think I have ever in my life done anything perfectly! Never. However, I do remember, and will never forget, one my professors writing on my illustration homework, “A+, I can’t see any way that you could have done this better.” Obviously this had a huge impact on me because I still remember it almost 10 years later, and I am writing about it right now. Whew! So maybe I have done one perfect thing?? Shrug.

Okay, this is how my “perfectionism” affects me negatively. First, it stops me from starting, and I hate that. Also, I am rarely satisfied with anything I do, no matter what it is. I have exactly one project from art school that I sort of think I did pretty well. Oh this is so sad! I need to fix this and start loving myself and believe that I AM ENOUGH, with no qualifiers. Meaning, not “good” enough, “smart” enough, or any of that B.S. – I am just ENOUGH. Flaws, gifts, talents, mistakes, triumphs, and all.

I am so embarrassed. I just really can’t believe that I put up one blog post then abandoned the whole thing. What in the world!

Here’s the thing. I never want to do anything unless I can do it perfectly, so I end up not even starting, which is just not at all useful. So, I think I will just write like I would write in my own journal and let go of trying so hard.

I’ve been so stressed out since moving out on my own… yes, it has been wonderful in so many ways, but so stressful too. I’m still going back and forth with what to do to make money – I’ve been researching like crazy and basically losing my mind. I’ve been researching dropshipping (which might be a sketchy waste of time), searching for jobs (uh, no college degree yet), and trying to figure out how I can add more products to my little Etsy Shop that don’t take forever to create. I am even looking into cleaning houses. I’ve done it before, I can do it again, right? Seriously, why not? Ugh….

I really just need a big influx of cash so I can get through my masters program. Why is this so hard…

Speaking of, I uploaded my personal statement for the masters program I am applying to today. I hope with all my heart I get accepted because there really aren’t any other schools I want to go to. I can’t wait for the day… oh wait. I’m not going to say that.

Why is that?

Because I have learned not to make plans. I had so many plans for my life and – almost none of it has turned out as expected. I don’t make solid plans anymore. I’m learning to go with the flow and let go of outcomes. This is huge for me. I can’t even believe how much effort I have put into worrying in my life. So much wasted time and energy!

So many up-all-nighters worrying about things I can’t control.

I think a major turning point for me in the worry department was when something really intense happened with someone very close to me. A choice was made that no amount of begging could stop. This was when I figured out that it really didn’t matter what I did or said, that it didn’t matter how “good” I was, that even if I did everything perfectly, this other person was going to do what they were going to do. This is when I figured out once and for all that I can’t control other people. At all. It also didn’t matter how much I worried about this person or the situation they ended up in, none of my worry could possibly change even one thing.

For me, this was a revelation, which I know, sounds silly, but I basically needed to be shocked into accepting this fact.

So, ever since then I’ve been able to sleep at night knowing that staying up worrying makes no difference, except to make me feel like shit the entire next day.

I remember reading something about worry years ago, and why we do it. The book I was reading, I think it was The Worry Cure,said that one reason we worry is because it makes us feel like we have some kind of control over a situation.

Should I look for the book before grossly misrepresenting it? I don’t know! I think it’s in storage.

Back to my point. So, basically one reason we worry is because for some reason, worrying about the worst makes us feel like we will be prepared for the worst. Kind of like, “I knew that would happen!” I really think I am just completely butchering the point. Basically, worry is about control, for if we stop worrying then we have to let go of control, and that can feel really scary. Okay, now that made some sense.

The thing too, about worrying and obsessing about the worst that worries me the most (haha), is that I don’t want to manifest negative things into my life. This is another reason I have let go of 90% of my worrying.

So, I really think I should end on a happy note. Life is so good! I am so grateful for the ridiculously privileged life that I live. It’s so amazing that I’m starting to feel ashamed for whining so much … such is life.

After a good fifteen minutes of bawling my eyes out in the car, I finally got up the courage to start moving my stuff into my storage unit. This is going to sound horrible, but as I was pulling my cart full of random shit down the hall, I thought, “the only people who have storage units are unstable losers, how in the F did I get here?”

Don’t worry, I don’t really believe that about people who rent storage units.

I know enough about psychology to know that I was projecting my own self-loathing on everyone and everything outside of me in that moment.

When I turned the corner, I saw this woman rummaging through the unit next to mine. She was this beautiful African American woman, and as I started unloading my things, I heard, “I’m getting ready to go to Africa.”

I was the only one around, so I assumed she was talking to me. I poked my head out and said, “Really? Wow, that is so cool!”

As happens sometimes, we ended up talking for about 45 minutes and she laid it all out for me. It was like she knew my situation without me saying anything at all. (I guess there were some clues… running mascara, random shit on a cart). But still, I do believe that sometimes we meet people in just the right moment – and whether they are messengers from God, the Universe, or some source of Universal Consciousness, I don’t care. I love it.

The most important message she had for me, was that I have everything I need, right here, inside of me, and that I need to be okay with myself before I will ever be okay with someone else. She said this to me twice, touching her hand to her chest. I think she knew this was the message I needed to hear the most.

Of course, I have heard this message countless times, and I will need to hear it countless times more. This is not news to me. Months ago, I put this uncomfortable quote in my bullet journal, knowing it was something I needed to start believing:

“Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love.” – Erich Fromm

I am still trying to soak that in. My brain knows it to be true, but after so many years of material and emotional dependence on others, truly believing it, deep in my soul will take some time.

For now, I am grateful for a chance meeting with a wise woman.

So, why in the world would I start a BLOG, right now, in this moment? I’m a mess, right? What could I possibly have to say that anyone would give a shit about?

I’ve been wanting to start my blog for a really long time, but I could never decide on a topic that people would actually care about, and maybe people won’t care about this either, but it is my story, it is a record of how I figured life out after everything went to shit.

But wait, I haven’t figured it out, don’t get too excited.

However, I promise to record my struggles and triumphs, what worked and what didn’t as I work towards material and emotional independence – something I have never had.

I am scared, but I am going to have faith that I can do this. I am going to walk through the fear, feel it, freak out, and keep going. I live in Orange County, California – one of the most expensive housing markets in the country, and I am a full-time college student, and no, I don’t have a job. Quite frankly, I don’t want to “get a job.” Working for $12 an hour isn’t going to cut it – I must come up with something else, and this lovely BLOG is step 1.

What the hell, what in the actual hell am I doing????

We shall see! For now, I have to get to my homework, fill out an application for an apartment, cry a little, and keep going.