Jameis Winston Gives A Speech

If you haven’t seen this yet, I feel an honor in being the person to link you to to Jameis’ bizarre as all hell pre-game speech. Just…soak it in. Admire it. Absorb it, much like his taste buds are absorbing the sweet saltiness of his fingers. The man committed fellatio on his own hand as an attempt to pump his team up. I mean…this is just the best thing.

This kind of made me like Jameis Winston a little bit. I think he’s a good player, I think he’s probably a rapist, and he’s also probably an entitled dickweed. But this is the kind of pre-game speech that can only come from the mind of someone who is simultaneously insecure as fuck and completely shameless. It’s like if Ray Lewis was somehow more coherent whilst also being less coherent.

It’s like Jameis is afraid of doing a regular WE DA BEST LETS KICK THEY ASS generic pre-game speech, so he goes out of his way to come up with something different and unique almost to meme himself and make himself memorable (hence the insecurity). But his idea involves sucking on his own damn fingers and the bizarre idea of “eating a W”, the most shameless thing I’ve ever seen a player do. It’s beautiful. It’s such a complete mess because he appears to completely and earnestly think he’s pulling off one of the great pre-game speeches. And he is. But not great for the reasons he wants it to be. The man lives on a completely different level. He is transcendent. He does not eat the W…he is the W.

Well not really. Jameis is hurt and Fitzpatrick is in (GUESS WHO CALLED THAT SHIT MONTHS AGO? The Fitzpatrick Cycle remains one of the best things I ever did). The Bucs are generally a sort of underrated dumpster fire right now. They came into the season with pretty big expectations and have not come close to meeting them. Jameis wasn’t playing great. The defense was under-performing. Generally just playing bad. If the spotlight wasn’t on the Giants, the Colts, or the Browns for being so truly awful the Bucs might be getting more attention because this is a hell of a fall. They’ve beaten the Bears and the Giants, which is like applying for work as a sales director at a major agency when all you have on your resume is a stint at McDonalds and another year in Target. The Bucs are toast. Dirk Koetter is probably in a hot seat right now. Some of that heat is because he sat near “literally on fire” McAdoo but still, it’s hot.

Of course, this is all happening because they signed Ryan Fitzpatrick, but it’s too late for that now. Might as well snuggle in and accept fate. I hope Jameis continues to give pre-game speeches and they get even weirder. I hope he becomes an avant-garde poet of pump up jams. It’ll be more interesting than whatever the Bucs are putting on the field, that’s for sure.

Discussion (24) ¬

I’m not sure what my favorite part of the “Eat a W” speech is: Jameis french-kissing his hand with no prior explanation, Kwon Alexander hurriedly interrupting Jameis as he starts putting his hand in his mouth again to try and restore some semblance of sanity, or DeSean Jackson and Chris Godwin both looking at Jameis with looks of absolute confusion and discomfort.

I said it once and I’ll say it again, Jameis will join Doug Williams, Steve Deberg, Steve Young, Vinny Testaverde, and the the G.O.A.T. in doing their best quarterbacking after leaving Tampa. Also, FYI, no bucs qb, backup or starter, has ever gotten a second contract in Tampa.

So, basically, Jameis Winston’s favorite comedian is Louis CK.
By the way, I loved “Tom Savage, Private Eye” on Intentional Sounding, but I just had one nitpick: Couldn’t you get anyone else other than Trevor Siemian to do the voices of the other characters? (His DeAndre Hopkins was spot on, but the rest needed some work to set them apart.)