Exactly How to Sync Your Sex Drives

Exactly How to Sync Your Sex Drives

You want sex when he doesn’t. He wants sex when you don’t. When your time-to-have-sex clocks are set to completely different zones, passion can be a major problem (and the cause of some serious blow-out fights). Here’s how to make sex work for both of you.

Put Sex on Your Calendar

Not to make sex seem like one more task on your crazy-busy to-do list, but like anything else worth taking care of—your body (the gym), your friendships (girl time), your pets (feed them!)—your sex life deserves its own time bracket. “Find and establish one or two or three times each week—when privacy is guaranteed and there’s the time and space—when it’s understood that, barring major world catastrophes, sex is going to happen,” says Kim Marshall, educational consultant, sex educator and author of The Great Sex Secret: What Satisfied Women and Men Know That No One Talks About.

Make It an All-Day Event

No, don’t actually have sex all day—that would be exhausting (not to mention impractical). But the road from seduction to sex is not a five-minute shortcut, so you have to start the journey early. “If you’re hoping to have sex in the evening, start working on it in the morning,” says Eve Marx, author of 101 Things You Didn’t Know About Sex and Read My Hips: The Sexy Art of Flirtation. “Kiss goodbye before you leave for work—really kiss, not a friendly peck. Send a romantic or slightly sexy text during the day. Be sweet but tease-y.” Heightening sexual tension throughout the day instills a “pleasant anticipation” for what lies ahead, she adds.

When You’re Together, Do It

If you see each other only a few times a week, make every night you see each other an “on” night. “My boyfriend works overnight three to four days a week, so we’re apart more than we’re together,” says Lauren, 31, of New York City. “So when we see each other, we’re absolutely—no questions asked—on the same page, if you get my drift.”

Cuddle, Cuddle, Cuddle

Touch each other as if having sex were not your goal. In other words, don’t say hi, then stick your tongue in his ear. “Hug, kiss, hold hands,” says sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. “Studies show that a 20-second hug raises oxytocin [a feel-good hormone] levels, which increases desire in women.”

Gentle, nonsexual touching also increases comfort levels because it reassures both people that every physical gesture isn’t necessarily going to lead to (or away from) sex. Says Marx, “Women want—no, make that need—attention and cuddling. It’s part of the complicated chemistry that makes up the feminine libido.”

Talk About Sex

Remember what it was like when you were first together as a couple—how you flirted and talked sexily to each other? According to Kerner, after being together for a while, most couples settle into patterns where they’re focused on each other’s bodies, not their brains. But it’s easy to get back to that state of mind. “Remember that the mind is the biggest sex organ,” he says. “Talk about sex in a sexy way. Share fantasies. Tell your guy that you had a sexy dream about him and then fill in the blanks with a fantasy.”

Try Something New

“Do something different together,” says Marx. “Take a vacation of a sort you’ve never done before, like visit a dude ranch or try whitewater rafting. The adrenaline rush alone from those kinds of physical activities can pump up the drive to have sex.” Even undertaking a “sweaty chore around the house” together may increase the possibility that you’ll end up in the shower together, she says. Seriously, though, can you think of a better reason to go clean out the garage?

Have Good Sex

It may seem like a no-brainer, but if your sex life is boring or unsatisfying, you’re not going to want to have sex at all. So why would you make time for it? “Once both partners are having orgasms during lovemaking, the dynamic changes,” says Marshall. “Both partners, not just the man, have an equal desire to get the ball rolling because both know that, even if they aren’t totally ‘in the mood’ when they begin, they’re going to feel absolutely great at the end.”

Don’t Give Up

Sometimes we just fall into funks. “It’s not unusual for libido to wax and wane,” Marx says. “In any long relationship, there will be some conflict. The thing is not to let a dry spell become a vast wasteland or a desert. The flame can always be rekindled, if it was once there.” So try, try again!