President Was Mailed Envelope with Suspicious Substance, Nation Pops Yet Another Xanax

It’s Wednesday, the third day of the work week, and a pattern has emerged: every day, from Monday until Friday, America will be reminded of one of the terrifying, gruesome, and random ways in which lone psychopaths (or collaborative networks thereof) can cause violence and/or painful death with little to no warning. It’s like an elaborate advent calendar marking the days until our next shrink appointment.

Yesterday, you’ll recall, we learned about the possibility of a hijacker taking down a commercial aircraft with, like, a Jitterbug. Today we will focus on poisonous substances sent through the mail. Minutes ago, ABC News reported that “a letter to President Obama containing a suspicious substance has been found.” Per a statement from the Secret Service, the letter and its contents were intercepted at an offsite mail-screening facility and did not reach the president.

Note that is the second poisonous package to be identified in the last 12 hours or so. Late yesterday, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told senators that an envelope postmarked in Memphis and mailed to Mississippi senator Roger Wicker “been tested twice for ricin in a mail facility away from the Capitol with positive results both times,” The New York Timesreports.

Please be sure to conduct a rigorous count of your remaining anti-anxiety medication before choosing to read the ricin Wikipedia page. We have a (floaty, detached) feeling that it’s a good idea to ration psychopharmaceutical support conservatively this week.