Friday, December 9, 2016

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 5

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 6

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table… you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10 is too much money and management believe $10 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 7RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food – we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything ?!?

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 8

RE: The Holiday Party

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: November 9RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian jerks, I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW !!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday. The Bitch from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 9RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of December 23 off with full pay.