Class Goes Two Minutes Past 12:50, Whole Class Revolts

It is common knowledge by this point that, at 12:52 p.m. on Wednesday, October 24th, a riot of unprecedented proportions broke out in Leidy 10. Still, the details of this disaster remain murky. What happened that drove so many students past the brink of violent protest at the same time? UTB interviewed multiple members of STAT132 (Statistics for Requirement-Fillers) to get the scoop on what really went down that day, and what we heard shook everyone on the staff to their core.

It was 12:49 p.m., and Jacob Mathers (C ’20) was following along with the lecture on a PowerPoint that the professor had uploaded before class. He glanced up to the clock in the right corner of his sceen and noticed that, although there was only one more minute left in class, the professor had at least four slides they hadn’t covered yet.

“Stay calm,” he told himself. “They’ll probably just cut it off at 12:50 and finish up the rest of the lecture on Friday.”

Except they didn’t cut off the lecture. At 12:50 p.m., there was a sharp gasp from somewhere in the crowd as the professor launched into explaining the concepts on yet another side. By 12:51 p.m., students were fearing they would never eat lunch again. At 12:52 p.m., Mathers pulled a chair up from where it was bolted to the ground and hurled it at the professor’s podium.

Immediately, pandemonium broke out. Laptops, shoes, and anything else students could repurpose as bludgeoning devices started flying through the air. The professor, who had essentially issued himself a death sentence by keeping the students two minutes past his allotted time, escaped through the trapdoor built next to every podium for occasions such as these. The professor was then rushed to a helicopter pad on the roof of Leidy and flown back to his office on the first floor.

Current estimates suggest losses totalling over $10,000, including broken laptops, desks ripped off their hinges, and at least three broken noses and several other alleged broken noses that are being used as excuses to get a nose job.