But ever since I saw Megan Fox, I’ve wanted to hunt her down and club her like a cavewoman.

Let me clarify.

I don’t really want to club her like a cavewoman…that sounds misogynistic and weird. What I mean is I want to club her like a caveman who bonked sexy cavewomen over the head and dragged them by the hair back to their caves.

Seriously, where the f*** does she get off looking like that?

Anyways, she’s said some pretty interesting things lately like wanting to strangle a mountain-ox with her bare hands because certain women were so darned appealing to her…

This is good for at least two reasons and especially because, I’m guessing she’ll totally understand the good-natured club to the dome.

When asked how she would stop the ruthless Megatron from demolishing the world, Fox first said that she would “barter with him.” She then, however, went on to say, “… and instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America?”

Ugh. You can try to make me hate you Megan, but it’s gonna take a lot more than that.

Less than 18 months ago, Sasha Lessin and Janet Kira Lessin gathered before their friends near their home in Maui, and proclaimed their love for one another. Nothing unusual about that—Sasha, 68, and Janet, 55—were legally married in 2000. Rather, this public commitment ceremony was designed to also bind them to Shivaya, their new 60-something “husband.” Says Sasha: “I want to walk down the street hand in hand in hand in hand and live together openly and proclaim our relationship. But also to have all those survivor and visitation rights and tax breaks and everything like that.”The Lessins’ advocacy group, the Maui-based World Polyamory Association, is pushing for the next frontier of less-traditional codified relationships. This community has even come up with a name for what the rest of the world generally would call a committed threesome: the “triad.” Unlike open marriages and the swinger days of the 1960s and 1970s, these unions are not about sex with multiple outside partners. Nor are they relationships where one person is involved with two others, who are not involved with each other, a la actress Tilda Swinton. That’s closer to bigamy. Instead, triads—”triangular triads,” to use precise polyamorous jargon—demand that all three parties have full relationships, including sexual, with each other.

Look, this is an interesting point that really brings the controversial issue of same-sex marriage right into my home, because I’ve always wanted to walk down the aisle with two women who love each other. And quite honestly, it’s pretty obvious that I was born this way.

In a world where everyone’s dressed in a tuxedo, it gets hard to brag about your fashion sense and find ways to celebrate diversity. Lifelong mating penguins or “breeders,” as they’re called by gay penguins, may seem to be indistinguishable from the rest of the pengie community, but experts suggest that, while they may look exactly alike on the outside, they’re all different on the inside. These differences are allegedly behind a rise in crime as gay penguins are stealing their neighbors eggs and leaving expecting parents with cold rocks. Straight penguins allege gay penguins are flapping a flipper in Darwin’s eye and creating unrest in the community. Gay penguins ignored the charges and are said to simply want the G-D given right to “equality and those adorable baby penguins.”