Friday, December 4, 2009

Chicago Alderman Encourages Public Drunkeness

Holiday Pub Crawl in Rogers Park this Sunday
Dear Booze Lovers,
Looking for a fun way to start the holiday season? Let's get drunk early this year at the ROGERS PARK HOLIDAY PUB CRAWL! WOO HOO! Sponsored by the Rogers Park Boozers Alliance (RPBA), the Pub Crawl takes place this Sunday, December 6th, 4-8 p.m., starting at the RPBA's office, 1448 W. Morse. I don't know if they'll have open booze in the office, but we can certainly hope so!
Now, there are a lot of drinking establishments in the 49th Ward, but we're only going to the ones that are owned by my political allies! Why not, right?!? What the hell do you care if I show preference over all of the other fine saloons in Rogers Park?
Here are the pubs owned by my political suck-ups:
• Duke's Hideaway, 6920 N. Glenwood Ave. (Niel the owner is on lots of my committees! Niel and his wife Mary think I'm an idiot, but they're useful to me and I tell the cops to ignore the dope smoking in the parking lot behind the place.)
• Heartland Cafe Buffalo Bar, 7000 N. Glenwood Ave. (Owners Michael and Katie are two of my best aparatchiks. In spite of them being shut down last year for having a filthy kitchen and moldy ice machine, I'm sure they'll serve drinks in clean glasses. Just don't look at the ice cubes too closely!)
• The Morseland, 1218 W. Morse Ave. (Purely opportunist politically, the owners and management hate my guts, but they play ball with me and that's all I care about.)
• The Glenwood, 6962 N. Glenwood Ave. (This is a "gay" bar, and gays are generally Democrats, and Democrats will vote for a box of kitty litter if you call it a Democrat. And I call myself a Democrat, so drink up Mary!)
We'll just avoid these other drinking establishments, even though they pay taxes too. These people do not deserve the honor of my presence:
The Oasis, 6809 North Sheridan Road
Jarheads, 6973 North Clark Street
Poitinstil, 1502 West Jarvis Avenue
Lighthouse Tavern, 7301 North Sheridan Road
Bruno and Tim's Lounge, 6572 North Sheridan Road
There are more, of course, but I don't want to give them free advertising. Say, this reminds me: Did you ever see that great video of me on a pub crawl in 2007 when I was buying drinks for voters and giving away cheap trinkets? No? You can see it by clicking here.
Tickets are $10 if purchased in advance, $15 at the door. No one under 21 years old will be admitted. Don't ask me where the proceeds will go. It's none of your business. You can purchase tickets online at www.brownstreaminmypants.com/event/87573 , or pay at the door at RPBA's office on the day of the event.
For more information contact drunk@rogerspark.com. I look forward to getting shitfaced and pissing in an alleyway with you on Sunday!
Sincerely,
Joe Moore
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