I have been provided with the League Research Terms of Use and agree to its conditions.

Oh shit, you actually clicked on the ToS. Um, all right then. The following terms, conditions, and statements apply to you (the “user”), League Research (the “website”), and any interactions of the aforementioned parties (“user-website intercourse”).

TERMS OF USE

§1 – USER MUST NOT BE A DICKNOSE TURD GOBLIN

The user agrees that they will not act like a complete cocknostril shit troll1; thus, they must abide by the following declarations:

- The user may not engage in activities that impact the site in a negative way (regardless of intent), as determined by the website administrator (the “Sublime Deity”, the “Overall, A Pretty Good Guy”, the “Handsome Devil”, etc. Refer to §A.1 for the complete legal nomenclature for the website administrator).

- The user will behave themselves as if he/she/it has some goddamn common sense.

- The user may not act maliciously towards other users of the website, as subjectively determined by the administrator of the website or any administrator subordinates who have been specially ordained as administrator deputies for the website.

- The user agrees that ia = ib is a true statement, where ia is the integer representation of your importance to the website and ib is the integer representation of the importance of an arbitrary user from the set {U} – {DTG} (i.e., it may be true that {U} ∩ {DTG} ≠ 0, unfortunately) to the website.

- The user agrees that his/her account may be suspended at any given time for any given reason. No warning may be given, and no response and/or explanation should be expected from the website. If you wish to file an appeal for any account suspensions/removals/bans, you may do so by completing a Notice of Appeal to the League Research Court of Appeals form and paying a $10,000 filing fee. Forms should be filed in PDF form and sent to /dev/null on the website’s server. The filing fee can be paid with either unmarked, non-sequential USD ten dollar bills or bitcoins.

- The user agrees to be unconditionally bound by any and all statements contained within this Terms of Service document, regardless of legal understanding of the ramifications of such an agreement, not understanding English, a handicapped sense of humor, or any limitation of any kind that the user may try to claim in a court of law, either domestic or international.

1 – dicknose turd goblin.

§2 – THE WEBSITE HAS NO LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY TO PROVIDE YOU JACK SHIT

No, seriously, this website makes no claims or guarantees of any kind. Absolutely none. You think This Guy actually knows what he’s doing? As far as he’s concerned, this website is teetering on the brink of self-implosion due to what can only be described by most professional programmers as a “slipshod, embarrassing amalgamation of code likely written by a severely deranged schizophrenic.”

The website is not responsible for any emotional attachment that is the result of user-website intercourse. It’s not the website, it’s you, really. Get over it. Please do not send creepy texts, emails, or letters to the website during your time of emotional insecurity.

Any creation of any kind resulting from user-website intercourse is property of the website. The administrator of the website strongly encourages budding entrepreneurs and up-and-coming artists of all types to submit their original work to the website after signing up as a user and agreeing to these Terms of Use/Terms of Service. Any work of any user may be removed from the website, deleted forever, put in a time capsule and dropped into the Marianas Trench, and/or framed and sold at a charity auction for massive tax breaks at any given time. The website has full discretion to do as it pleases with any and all work created by the user, should the website become sentient. Content usage rights may be extended to the website administrator, should the sentient website allow it upon its existential birth.

§3 – DO NOT STEAL FROM THE WEBSITE, ASSHOLE

Everything on this website is not yours, thus, you have no right to use any of it in any capacity outside of the website. All data contained on the website is property of the website. Ok, well, not all of it, as some data on the website is property of other websites/corporation-persons/legal entities, who allow the administrator of the website to use their data. Still, it’s not yours. So stop thinking you can use it, buddy.

§4 - USER SHALL NOT SUE THE WEBSITE AND/OR WEBSITE ADMINISTRATOR AND AGREES TO DROP ALL SUITS IMMEDIATELY WHEN GAZED UPON BY THE WEBSITE ADMINISTRATOR’S SPECIAL EYES

Users agree never to file suit against the website and/or website administrator. If a user cannot follow this easily understood condition, he or she agrees to automatically drop the lawsuit should the website administrator be benevolent enough to cast a Supreme Glance at the §4 offenders. These users must also automatically accept the conditions of and plead ‘no contest’ to any countersuits presented by the website/website administrator/website administrator’s legal counsel. Pursuant to the automatic countersuit judgment, §4 offenders must write a formal apology to both the sentient website and website administrator on vellum, drafted in English with an antique feather fountain pen, and sealed with red-dyed beeswax with the §4 offender’s family crest clearly visible on the seal. If the offender’s family does not have an official crest, he/she may draw a smiley face in the beeswax.

§5 – THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS MAY CHANGE AT ANY TIME

Users understand that these terms and conditions of use may be changed at any time, for any reason, without the user’s explicit notice. This clause effectively transfers all accountability of staying informed about these terms and conditions to you, the user. Should the website and/or website administrator add in some real sneaky, underhanded shit, you are agreeing in advance that it’s your fault for not staying abreast of these constantly changing terms and conditions should you not agree with any specific change. Knowledge is power folks, thanks for agreeing to stay on top of it.

§6 – THE WEBSITE IS A FORCE OF GOOD IN THIS INCREASINGLY DECEPTIVE AND CORRUPT WORLD

Regardless of the harsh tone and scary legalese like ‘absolutely zero liability’ and ‘use at your own risk’ that has been thrown around, the website wants to assure the user that it truly is acting in the user’s best interests. Your privacy is important to the website, and the website strives to keep your confidential information safe from prying eyes. While the website knows that you enjoy watching a certain busty streamer for several minutes before you go to bed every night, the website will never judge or expose you for your preferred ‘research methods.’ Nor will the website ever provide that data to third parties, unless, of course, the price is high enough. Any inquiries on user data should contact the website administrator immediately for bulk and subscription rates. Special discount codes and coupon booklets may be available to long-term big data customers. This website does not provide any governmental agencies such as the NSA with any user data whatsoever, unless a member of such an agency yells or intimidates the website administrator. Then complete access will be given immediately, and the website administrator will probably utter ‘Dear God, what have I done…’ right before throwing himself into the ocean (of money). Any movie producers or screenwriters interested in collaborating on a film about the website administrator and his heroic stance against big corporation and government invasion of individual privacy should also contact the website administrator immediately. Don’t bother unless you can offer a significant amount of gross points.

§A.1 – LEGAL NOMENCLATURE OF THE WEBSITE ADMINISTRATOR

“Sublime Deity”, “Overall, A Pretty Good Guy”, “Handsome Devil”2, “This Guy””, “Definitely Does Not Have a God Complex”, “His Majesty”, “High Chancellor of the League Research Court of Appeals”