John Matrix never asked to be brought back into the business of wrecking peoples' shit. He was happily living the retired life in the remote wilderness of the Great State of California, doing manly tough guy things like lugging around tree trunks, chopping wood and eating ice cream with his daughter Alyssa Milano. But when some of his old special forces buddies decided it would be funny to kidnap his daughter for no reason other than just to fuck with him, he decided he had no choice but to go on a mad killing spree until he got her back.

If you're not familiar with the movie Commando, you should throw your computer out the window and immediately go break into the local video store because this movie whomps more ass than a one-legged asswhomper in an asswhomping contest. Now don't get me wrong; the film is total crap. But it's the kind of crap that you can watch about a thousand times and still enjoy, if for no other reason than just to appreciate the unlimited badassitude embodied within the main character.

Colonel John Matrix is not happy that is daughter was kidnapped and he doesn't plan on doing anything lame like calling the authorities or responding to the kidnappers' demands. No, he does the awesome thing and gets totally pissed to the max. He doesn't even care about stupid shit like "working out your differences" or "not being totally crazy"; all he cares about is getting his daughter back, and he's willing to slaughter thousands of terrorists and drug dealers to do it. No obstacle is too great for him to overcome with little more than sheer brute force and a healthy lack of respect for his own safety or the safety of others. When he gets stuck on an airplane headed to South America, he snaps some dude's neck, climbs down the landing gear and jumps off the plane as it's taking off. When some asshole tries to duck into a phone booth to hide, he pulls it out of the ground and throws it down the stairs. When one of the bad guys is getting away in his Porsche, he kidnaps some chick and steals her car so that he can wreck the guy's ride and throw him off a cliff. When he finds out that his daughter is being held on a heavily-fortified island, he breaks into a dubiously-legal gun store and makes off with everything his gigantor arms can carry. When he needs an airplane, he busts into the airfield, snaps the necks of about ten guys and then steals a plane. He blows shit up with a rocket launcher. He stabs people to death with garden tools. He fulfills every teenager's fantasy by beating the holy living shit out of about twenty mall security guards. He sets the all-time record for Necks Broken in a Single Motion Picture. He holds an M60 machine gun in one hand and uses it to destroy an entire army. He is completely unstoppable.