In short, if you have values that are out of step with the majority of society, I fully support your right to have them. But that means you’re going to keep running into friction with everyone else in the world who doesn’t agree with you.

Thus, if you want to hold out for the rare Jewish woman who likes dreadlocks, or the rare man who is cool with waiting 90 days for sex, or the rare girl who isn’t freaked out by flowers on the first date, that’s fine. You don’t need my validation. But you’re going to have more success coming towards the center, trying to find a compromise point where you don’t entirely lose your ideals…but you don’t entirely alienate 95% of the population.

Other than that one sex question, Julia Spira and Icovered a lot of ground and I think you’ll get a kick out of the call. Just know that I don’t always get that exasperated with my clients. It’s just that our caller didn’t seem to be open to the concept of change…and the pool at the Riviera in Palm Springs was eagerly beckoning from my hotel window as well…

Comments:

I didn’t listen to the radio show / call-in live, but listened to the replay a day later. Very interesting show in all.

The one thing that the caller (guy) didn’t seem to “get”, and wasn’t mentioned at all in the discussion either, is this:

If you’re looking to establish a genuine friendship / relationship with some one over a period of time (weeks instead of hours/days), a bar (or equivalent social “meat market”) is most probably the LAST place you should be looking for (or expecting to find) such a person!!

It’s not to say that you won’t ever find that person in a bar, but – on average – the chances are that you WON’T find that person in the crazy crowd in a bar on a Friday or Saturday night while cruisin’ with a bunch of your buddies / friends.
(See also Alex Benzer’s “Tao of Dating” on this very topic).

I think that is a big part of this fella’s problem – he’s not looking in the right place(s) for the type of gal he apparently really wants.

Personally, I don’t think he’s that “strange” or “extreme” for not wanting to f_ck a woman’s brains out less than 12 hours after meeting her for the first time. What is unfortunate is that he’s wasting his “I’d like to take the time to get to know you” approach on women who (on average) appear to be less likely to understand or appreciate it.

It all boils down to: It doesn’t really matter what you want as such, so long as the other person wants the same thing. So if you are not going to change your mind re:”what you want”, then you need to go where you are most/more likely to find the people that are going to want the same thing / have similar attitudes / goals etc.

You don’t necessarily have to change your goals significantly – but you do have to revise your game plan, switch strategies in order to meet those goals if what you are doing is not getting you closer to those goals.

Very sadly, this fella just wasn’t open to a mind-shift other than the very few options/strategic paths he had considered thus far (none of which were getting him what he wanted).

The Jew with dreads is a real client of mine from 2004 who couldn’t understand why his new E-Cyrano.com profile wasn’t getting more attention. The main reason was that he didn’t have the clean-cut professional lawyer/doctor/banker look that is appealing to the majority of the Jewish population. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy – just means he has to make a choice – maintain his identity “as is”, because so much rests upon his hair OR cut the dreads and attract 90% more women.

The same thing goes for anybody out of the mainstream. You want to have 10 cats? Go ahead. Just don’t be too shocked that most men aren’t up for it. You want to be a 45-year-old unemployed artist? Enjoy your noble struggle – just realize that most women want men with jobs.

In EVERY situation, if what you’re doing isn’t working, you have two choices: change or do the same thing that’s not working. I think the answer’s usually obvious. Evidently not.

As a non-pious woman dating outside of the church plenty of times, I can firmly tell you that there are plenty of guys/girls looking for long term relationships that are willing to wait for sex. But, online is certainly not the place to look for those people.

Jenny-
Why not look for a serious relationship online? My inference from what you wrote is that only people looking for a hook-up or those comfortable with casual sex will be looking for Mr/Ms Right online. I can state with absolute certainty that your assumption is incorrect. I am a woman who looked for and found men who were willing to wait to become intimately involved until we knew one another. Not all of the men I met were – but, there were enough to have a very broad range of choices. I am Catholic. I have dated both in and outside the Church. The man I have been dating for over a year (whom I met ONLINE) actually attended the same church I do. I had never seen him because we attended different Masses and didn’t belong to the same social groups. I believe that Evan is correct in his approach. If it isn’t working for you – change it. The ONLY thing you have control over in your search for that perfect someone is YOU!

As a woman, waiting isn’t a problem as long as I would know the reasoning behind, and that the guy cares and finds me attractive. It’s one of those things though that the guy has to be good about communicating this though.

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