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Understanding The Impact Of Our Past Some of us may feel as if we are stuck in the past, can't move forward. Some of us may want to fill in the gaps in our childhood, to make sense of them. Others may have difficulties now, which can be tracked back to childhood experiences. We may have absorbed negative beliefs about us, which carry on into our adulthood. For example blaming ourselves for any of our family's shortcomings we may have become our own worst critic. Through exploring and releasing our past (which can be enhanced in the company of someone empathic) we can acknowledge our strengths and limitations, defences and openness. By looking back at our past without being caught in it, understanding the importance of the impact of our history, we can learn from our experiences and make new meanings, and create and have the life of our own choice. Psychotherapy may therefore include what it would be like to let go of an old part of our life behind, so we are not so dominated by our past, and embarking upon a new phase.

Echoes Back In Time What's happening now may echo back from our history. Many of our issues, feelings, beliefs and behaviours now, have origins in our previous experiences. Aspects of our past may not have previously been considered, resolved. These connections between current struggles and experiences from our past, can sometimes catch up with us, or trigger us, influencing how we are now. A trigger may be a distant memory, belief, family experience, a certain inference, look, smell, touch, sound, taste or familiar experiences, a specific event in the past when we felt stuck, or a series of events or traumas. We may have forgotten or hidden to ourselves and others experiences from our past. Yet their shadow can affect us now in subtle or direct ways and also through our unconscious, so we can integrate what we ignore. Where we are from, where our parents are from, their shortcomings, the impact of our parents and their parents, their history, the stories (and versions) they tell us (and haven't told us), the unspoken loyalties, oaths, sacred cows, our early bonding patterns may continue to resonate in us, affecting our relationship style, current challenge sin our relationship. How we learnt to deal with feelings like rejection, anxiety, anger and conflict, and how we were loved, praised and criticised, can affect us now. We may need to make links between what we learnt as a child and how we see us now, our current lifestyle, relationships, interactions and behaviour. Being centred in our own ground may be important for us.

Our Childhood Environment & Conditioning In our formative years we all experience a range of positive and negative family dynamics (see also Our First Relationship - Early Connections & Bonding Patterns). Lifelong we subconsciously absorb our environment and experiences, both positive and negative, like blotting paper. We can continue to hold on to any blaming, shaming or humiliating messages we received back then. These messages can include family "secrets" (some of which may have a corrosive effect), the way our parents behaved, communicated (or didn't communicate) between themselves and with us - even with good intention (e.g. "Always... Never... Remember... Don't upset... It is weak to... " - these reminders don't even have to be spoken). We may have internalised certain messages from our upbringing, like "Who do you think you are?", "Pull yourself together", "You are not good enough", "Don't be a nuisance", "You'll never be satisfied" or "Just get on with it", that can affect how we are now. Mimicking, Iiving up to or not exceeding our family expectations may inhibit our lifestyle or individuality. We take in more of our parents' programming than we are aware of. Our reaction can be to ensure we act in similar ways to them or, indeed, do the exact opposite. We may have taken on roles back then, which may no longer help us now. Our childhood environment and conditioning, traumas may affect our sense of who we are, our beliefs, esteem and relationships later on. Also, how our parents gave us, or didn't give us boundaries can influence us. The impact of these boundaries can be looked at in counselling. (For details see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries)

Releasing Us From Our Past Neuroscience shows us that our brain only provides us with some possible interpretations of the world based on our past experiences. The influence of our history is therefore deeply ingrained, where often the familiar chatter (or dialogue) in our mind reflects influential messages from the past. Some of us may no longer want to hold on to any old pain, want to heal our past, ready now to find our way through this and let go. This may include separation from our unfulfilled childhood, so we are less tied to it (see also Our Painbody). The purpose of psychotherapy is not about analysing or "dwelling" on our past for its own sake, and is more about understanding the full impact of our history, releasing us from its binds, old patterns so we are freer to live now.

Unhelpful Memories, Dwelling On The Past Our memories can be happy, sad, and replaying these often with a slant can have associated positive, negative effects. We can't delete the past, yet if we are not careful, we can let our past control our life in the present (and future), rewinding rather than living our life now. When we keep replaying old memories (including mistakes, bad memories, negativity), re-living what has happened, we also trigger the associated feelings and unnecessary pain. Yet just getting over it, leaving it behind from our wounded place may be unhelpful. If we have bad memories, we may be re-living this negativity every time we rewind and replay things. We may be coming from a victim place. We may want to make peace with and reconcile this within us, learning what we need to learn. When our mind dwells on the past, disappointed we miss out on opportunities in the present. Choosing whether to remain dwelling on the past and rewinding things or whether to be willing to forget, to heal and make peace with our past from our loving adult, discover what lessons we may need to learn and let go, being in the present moment (so we no longer suffer because we get stuck in the past), with our compassionate self, may be challenging. (See also Stuck, Fixed Somewhere Between The Past, Present Or Future)

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Coming To Terms With Our Past Events themselves cannot be changed, yet how we interpret them is up to us and we may want to loosen the grip of the hand of our past now. Although we can't ignore or escape our past, we can in many ways come to terms with it and understand how we have developed. For example, we may have chosen safety as a child, which may not be so necessary now. Our childhood hurts and wounds can be subtle or extreme. We may have been affected more than we had realised from past experiences, e.g. the effects of childhood bullying, an absent or intrusive parentproblems with early bonding, the impact of our parents' separation and trust issues. Some of us may hold trauma in our painbody - going numb at times. We may have experienced neglect, loss, abandonment, rejection, invasion, abuse - emotional, psychological, physical, sexual (or being a witness, bystander to these), affecting our boundaries, intimacy, trust, love, conflict issues now (emotional distortion may also include being treated like an adult or parent well before our years, even though we are very much a child that we prematurely grow up yet miss out on developmental stages). We may struggle to find our voice, assert ourselves, open our heart. Loss of an aspect of our childhood may continue to affect us now. Most of us have experienced cruelty, hurt or humiliation, because we were different in some way. For some, it can seem as our spirit is crushed, as if somehow we are still carrying a weight around us now. Guilt, shame or a sense of impending doom may follow us around. How we avoid intimacy now may carry origins of previous painful betrayals (see Relationship Counselling & Marriage Counselling). There may be things we'd like to forget, mistakes and bad decisions made, yet they can also be viewed as being part of our journey of learning, wisdom - honouring our past and what we've learnt, using this way if seeing things to live now, so the past becomes more of the past. Making peace with our past, we are more able to be in the present, so we no longer forsake who we are.

Transforming Old Beliefs Feelings from our past may not disappear. However the therapy can offer the opportunity to experience them now, only this time from our adult perspective, so their impact is understood. We may have internalised negative experiences, blaming ourselves. Our beliefs can now be more accurate, up to date and helpful. We no longer allow the conclusions, we made when younger, to define who we are now. Acknowledging our strengths, limitations, regrets, defences and openness, we are more able to create and Iive our life of our own choosing.

Choosing Our Own Life Direction The therapy can help piece together our already chosen pathways between our past and present. By making connections between childhood and adult experiences, psychotherapy can help us to disentangle us from the bonds of our past, our "emotional baggage", so we are freer to choose our own direction, path and are less governed by our history.

Fresh Challenges We inevitably develop lifelong patterns of roles, feeling, thinking and behaving - at some level re-enacting aspects of our past, in the present. Many of us experience our habits as "who we are", and changing them, if that is our choice, presents fresh challenges, as may learning to trust again, listen to our intuition.

Linking Our Life Now To Our Past Many problems are complex and have traces and trails linking them to our past, even though they may not seem obvious. In order to fully be in the moment, we may need to make these links to our history. For example, throughout our upbringing we received direct or subtle boundaries, which may have been healthy, loving, fair and firm or invasive, abandoning, controlling and chaotic, consistent or inconsistent, too tight or too loose or indeed non-existent. Back then we had little control over those boundaries, yet now as an adult we can choose our own healthy and appropriate boundaries. (For details see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries)

The Impact Of Our Past Affecting Our Relationships Now Some of the problems, dissatisfactions in our relationship, marriage, may relate to how our emotional needs were met (or not met) in our early years or problems between us and our parents, whether they are alive or not, separated, and it may be our work to mend what we need to mend. Otherwise the very qualities we don't like or accept in our parents, may also become what our partner doesn't like in us (or we don't like in them). If we have never been satisfied about what we received (or didn't receive) from our parents, then we may likely project this onto our partner - holding grudges, disappointments. These negative experiences can get played our in our relationship as our capacity to genuinely love may not always be easy for us (see also Relationship Style, Attachment Patterns). Very few of us have had parents who were so emotionally healthy that they could give all the love we needed to us. Our parents may have done their best (see also Evolving Consciousness - Benefit Of Hindsight), yet the feelings and any pain of our wounded child (and our child's reality, sense of self back then, may live on now) may need to heal, so we are in touch with our own power. Reconciling with our parents and their shortcomings may free us and the counselling and psychotherapy can support us in this process. (See also Influence Of Our Past On Our Relationship Or Marriage)

Struggling To Sense, Reassure Our Child Within If we imagine the feelings of our innocent child within and we ignore this child by ignoring their feelings, passions, the child feels abandoned. Feeling our feelings, acknowledging them, responding to them, taking responsibility for our pain means we are no longer abandoning ourself, validate our inner child, validate our feelings. We may feel disconnected from our inner child or frustrated that this experience seems more like a mental concept, trying to be in touch with the concept of inner child from our head. And if we are stuck in our head it may be hard to imagine that we can tune in to the feelings and needs of our small child now, spend time with, listen to, care for, hold, connect and be with our child within so we really get to know our inner child, have empathy for ourself, listen to our small child within's call for help, reassure our own inner child as a loving parent would, so we no longer just give to others but also give love to ourselves, allow our child within to thrive through our loving adult and not throughour wounded self - having compassion for our wounded, fearful self. Turning towards, listening to our inner child's feelings with love as a good parent would may be a part of our healing, being intuitively loving to our inner child - the way we always wanted to be loved. "What is our inner child's purpose?". "What does our inner child need from us as a loving adult?" may be a useful enquiries. Sensing what our child within needs, not to take rejection personally, to stay strong in our truth and not give ourself up for others may be important as may creating our own safe space, being anchored, centred, grounded, so we can connect with ourself and others as our inner child feels relaxed and no longer abandoned because we are a loving advocate to our child within that takes care of our emotional, physical, financial, spiritual wellbeing. Our inner child speaks to us through our physical sensations, emotions and we can imagine our resting place at the centre of our core. In order to consciously dialogue and connect to our child within - our being, some may turn to a spiritual source of support.

Recognising & Valuing Our Past We have been shaped by the experiences we have had - not only our successes, strengths and talents, but also the insights we gained from past mistakes or failures. As we recognise and value our past, it can allow us to make more informed choices now.

Being "In The Moment" For some it may be helpful to revisit underlying core issues, any defining incidents, wounds, unresolved conflicts and positive experiences and make links with our own values, dreams, hopes, aspirations and what really matters to us. Free from our historical responses and reactions, and any "past baggage", we have the potential to be in the present moment. When we cultivate our ability to live in the moment, paying attention what's happening around us, we worry less about what happened in our past, and be less anxious about planning our future. Experiencing what is happening in the moment, frees us up.

Keeping Emotions Inside Expressing emotions can be a transformative process. It can take up more energy holding on to our emotions (old hurts, buried pain, etc.) than to release them. When stored, they build up inside, disproportionably affecting the intensity of our emotions now. We can choose to leave our hurtful path behind (see also Releasing Ourselves & Letting Go).

Our Own Interpretations Often when we were very young, we believed our family was the way the whole of the world was. Although we know that is no longer the case, we continue to see the world through our "filters". Sometimes we can get stuck in the perspective we hold. Realising that we have been seeing things our own way and not as they are and recognising how some of our own interpretations have restricted us, we are able to unhook from them. We can then be freer to Iive in our own chosen way. (See also Our Assumptions & Interpretations)

Not All Difficulties Are About Our Past Not all our distress is located in the past. Therefore alongside working through our past and the consequences of our history, some people may wonder what all this means, what is their own life purpose and direction.

Our Future Footprints Having understood the impact of the footprints we've made in the world, we may be curious about our future imprints - the marks we want to make and leave. Simply existing in the world, lack of vision, meaning or purpose may be a concern. Letting go of our past bonds can also lead to wondering about our future direction. We may seek a deeper connection to our own essence - the lifelong experience of what we are inside, the place which instinctively knows, our inner being. Seeking and being on our own path or connection to a life larger than us, may be further challenges. We may also have a sense of the life's interconnectedness.