Social protocol (you know, that thing that old people love because it reminds them of the golden years when things like disenfranchisement of the underclasses and of the other gender was reality rather than just a dream) says for the first anniversary that the appropriate gift is “Paper”. And it is “Paper” that Long or Short Capital suggests as the most appropriate fix for your first monoline bailout. Paper as in “Let us paper over this problem, our problem, together”.

Yes, yes, maybe the monoline says she wants or even needs something more flashy, like diamonds, platinum or several flatbed trucks topped up with gold bullion to firm up her capital with several trillions dollars of obligations looming. But you have to make sure your relationship with the monoline is real and you don’t want to blow too much of your money on this fix. If you give her too much up front, maybe things will still fall apart and the only thing you’re left with is a ton of exposure and a view down the ravine. If you give her too little, yeah maybe she leaves you for Mr. Muni, but you retain some of your capital and most of your pride. You know her ex is still a huge part of her life; the stable Mr. Muni is someone she sees everyday and has been part of her life forever. He will always be an attractive option which is why you is it so imperative that you keep your monoline on a short leash.

Paper is the perfect fix for this purpose. It says “I love you, and yes, I believe in you, us, WE, a little bit, but let’s not kid ourselves and think this is anything more than a veiled attempt to hide our dysfunction behind the walls of convention”.

At this point, I think that setting the bed on fire is the only way to go.

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