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Arguing

Dale Carnegie said that the only way to get the best of an argument was to avoid it. He was a very smart man. I suppose the title of this post is a little misleading because the fact is you really can’t win an argument.

You may be able to use your words to beat someone into submission, you may be able to force someone to comply with your wishes and you may be able to make someone feel stupid and defeated. But you didn’t actually “win” anything.

Arguing with someone to prove your point simply proves you lacked the communication skills to help someone else see things your way…willingly.

There will always be disagreements in relationships, whether business or personal, because when more one than one person is involved you’ll at least occasionally have two opinions. Most disagreements are easily resolved. But occasionally relationships can be “fixed” only through serious and conscientious effort to find some kind of agreement.

These kinds of discussions are more likely to be successful if conducted in a non-adversarial environment. It’s more productive to think of the disagreements as a difference that can be balanced or accommodated. It should never be seen as a battle you have to win.

A mindset of “must win” does nothing but ensure that someone most likely loses. If you care about the other person even a little then you should realize that when they lose, you lose too.

Even people with differing viewpoints should be able to find solutions that work for everyone…providing that you truly want to try.

Here’s a few ideas for lessening the chance that a disagreement turns argumentative:

Listen carefully to what the other person is saying. When I say listen I mean really really listen. If the first word out of your mouth when the other person stops talking is “but” then I just just about guarantee that you were listening to respond instead of listening to understand. If you don’t understand what they said or meant then ask… nicely. “What the hell is that supposed to mean” is an escalation phrase and I’m hoping escalation isn’t your goal.

Explain your views clearly, you don’t like guessing what the other person is thinking so don’t make them guess either. Finding common ground isn’t a race so slow down, choose your words carefully, once said they can be forgiven but it’s really really hard for someone to forget them.

Stay on topic. Don’t introduce new differences and most certainly don’t try to rehash old ones. When you’re tempted to fight fire with fire it would serve you well to remember that firefighters most often don’t use fire to put out another fire.

Cheap shots are just that, cheap. If you value the relationship then perhaps you should not use something cheap when trying to save something valuable from permanent damage.

Don’t embarrass yourself by suggesting that the other person is unable to see the big picture or incapable of thinking through the situation. If you think you’re talking to an idiot then perhaps you should just stop talking because the other person may feel the same way and if the discussion gets too far off track it’s possible you could both be right.

If your differences just seem impossible to reconcile (I’m nearly certain they are not) consider seeking help from an impartial person. A coach, mentor, valued friend, Pastor or a trusted family member are the most likely possibilities.

When a discussion escalates into an argument then everybody loses something. Don’t lose by arguing and never fool yourself into thinking that you’ve won.

The next time you’re tempted to argue consider giving the other person a piece of your heart instead of a piece of your mind. You will both be better off in the end, that much I can assure you.