A. You suddenly seem to challenge me. I would say — frivolous, and evasive. I did have a question looming in my mind. A question that begins with “why.” But it doesn’t end with the word “not.”

Q. Why not?

A. Because it’s deeper than that. And larger. And more germane to my recent struggles.

Q. What was the question?

A. The question was: “Why can’t I let go of past hurts, and enjoy the blessings of the present?”

Q. Was that your question?

A. Yes, it was.

Q. Then why didn’t you ask it in the first place?

A. Because no sooner did I form the question, than I had already realized the answer. And then I didn’t need you any longer.

Q. But — but — what is the answer?

A. Ask me the question, and I will tell you the answer.

The Questioner clears his throat.

Q. Ahem. Why can’t you let go of past hurts, and enjoy the blessings of the present?

A. I can.

Q. You can?

A. Yes, I can. And, in fact, I have.

Q. You have??

A. Yes, I have.

Q. When did this happen?

A. About a half hour ago.

Q. Are you trying to tell me that a half hour ago, you let go of past hurts, and began to enjoy the blessings of the present?

A. Yes.

Q. How did this happen?

A. It’s a miracle. It’s the Miracle of Life. The hurt was huge, and I prayed, and I prayed fervently, even after accusing God of never answering my prayer. And then, I can’t explain it, but the hurt was lifted from me. The hurt of an entire year or more, the way I was mistreated by — by someone whom I loved. Somehow it was removed. Completely removed. And the whole world opened up to me. I am no longer angry, or afraid.

Q. You aren’t??

A. No. I’m not.

Q. Will this last??

A. Does it matter? All any of us have is today.

Q. But what about tomorrow?

A. We know not what it brings.

Q. And yesterday?

A. Gone. All gone.

Q. Are you honestly trying to tell me that you have let go completely?

A. Yes. And there are tears of joy streaming down my face. All the anger: all the inner rage; has been replaced with inner peace. This is one of the greatest days of my life.

Q. Then what more can I do for you?

A. Not much, I’m afraid. But I do appreciate your indulgence on this matter. It’s just that — I have no further need of you — for now.

(1) I was able to finish the remake of my new speech last night, even though it kept me up till 4:30 in the morning. Grateful for the space and privacy to do such things without disturbing others, or being disturbed.

(2) Jan loves me.

(3) A great way to overcome the bitterness of a troubled past is to indulge the blessings of a promising present.

(4) Somebody made a nice, detailed comment on my piano playing over the weekend. Grateful to have been trusted enough to be given a key to a church building with a Baldwin grand piano. There was a time where any effort to play a church piano was met only with concern over “insurance issues” — implying, of course, that I was the type of guy that would do damage to the property.

(5) Nice strong coffee. Grateful to have my own place of residence and my own coffee-maker. There was a time when the only reason I went to a 7am A.A. meeting was because it was the only way I could figure out how to get a cup of coffee in the morning.

(6) It was suggested last night that every morning when I wake up, I can “dedicate the day to God.” It took a while, but I’m thankful to have done so.

(7) Glad to hear that the heat wave will be over on Thursday, which is great timing, since I get paid on Friday. Thankful for the promise of double blessings, back to back.

(8) Happy to have heard from Alistair Boone, the new Editor-in-Chief of Street Spirit, with the news that I’ll be kept on as a regular montly contributor, in the wake of Terry Messman’s retirement.

(9) Extremely grateful to no longer be homeless in the San Francisco Bay Area. I honestly thought I would never be able to live indoors again.

(10) Extremely thankful for the State of Idaho, where my experience has been that people treat each other decently and respectfully — like equals. Thankful no longer to have to be lectured, ridiculed, dimissed, ostracized, vilified, and looked down upon as though I were not even fully human. It is incredible to no longer be regarded as a piece of worthless homeless scum. Thank God for my new and remarkably better life. I never dreamed it possible — He loves me, after all.

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On the Q&A site Quora, dedicated to the dissemination of knowledge by those “in the know,” I was asked if I thought there was anything wrong with being “homeless by choice.” Here’s my answer:

There is nothing morally wrong with being homeless by choice. One has a right to do whatever they wish to do as long as it does not impinge upon the rights of others. Therefore, if one wants to be homeless, and one is not harming anyone in the process, one can rightly exercise that choice.

However, this does beg the question as to why one would want to be homeless by choice; and in fact, if one choosing to be homeless is actually choosing a preferred lifestyle, or merely the lesser of evils in an untenable situation.

There are three general reasons why one would “choose” being homeless over an indoor living situation:

(1) lack of privacy in the indoor situation

(2) abuse or neglect in the indoor situation

(3) inability to keep up with the cost of living indoors

I was homeless in the San Francisco Bay Area for many years. As I stated in this post, I often had a difficult time with shelters and other group situations due to the lack of privacy. I also found it next-to-impossible to keep up with the rising cost of living in the San Francisco Bay Area. The trade-off was made palatable due to my not having to pay exorbitant rental fees, often subjected to rent increases every six months.

Although I personally would not have characterized any of my living situations as “abusive,” I certainly have met numerous people, mostly young people, who chose to live “home free” following emancipation from abusive parents or guardians. To many of them, the idea of living indoors was associated with bondage, violence, and sexual violation. Of course they should not be faulted for wishing to escape such horrible home lives. This is why many such young people will not use the term “homeless” to describe their lifestyle. They prefer the term “home free” — and this is telling.

A. I could have. And I should have — since yesterday was Tuesday. I could have talked to you on Tuesday, like I’m supposed to. But I didn’t. And that’s part of the problem.

Q. Why didn’t you talk to me yesterday?

A. I don’t know. I meant to. I tried to. But every time I started, I came up against a brick wall.

Q. And today?

A. Today I still — don’t quite know what to say, or to do. I still feel like talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.

Q. Then why are you bothering?

A. Because — I’m supposed to. I’ve found that if I see you every Tuesday — or once a week rather, even if it’s Wednesday or Thursday — I somehow stay tuned up. I stay in touch with myself. I know what I’m supposed to be about.

Q. You do??

A. Well, no — not now I don’t. But over time, if I practice this consistently, with discipline, then yes, I begin to get a better idea what I’m supposed to be about.

Q. Can you really give me that power? I mean, considering you’re not even sure who I am?

A. Not logically, no. And I don’t mean to, exactly. It’s not you who is the solution. It’s the process. The fact that I choose to engage this dialectic, once a week, with consistency. It adds up, eventually. It means something. It takes me somewhere.

A. Fear that I’ll be – barking up the wrong tree. Choosing the wrong path.

Q. How will you know till you try?

A. I won’t.

Q. Then why don’t you just try one way, or the other, and see what happens?

A. Because I have not counted the costs. Of either path. I haven’t sat down and listed the pros and cons. I haven’t really made an effort to scan each option, and make a conscious decision which one looks to be the better.

Q. Then why not sit down and do so?

A. Good idea.

Q. Isn’t that better than wallowing?

A. It is.

Q. Isn’t it better than being frozen in fear?

A. Yes, it is. Even though I’m not yet taking one path or another, at least I’m doing something.

Q. What’s that?

A. Deciding. I’m making a conscious, concerted decision – and taking the time to do it. I’m not juat taking this decision lightly, nor am I avoiding it.

(3) Just now awoke and noticed immediately that I was back in my “usual good mood” — no more of that funk I was in for a few days there.

(4) Coffee was ready without even having to flip a switch. Tastes good, too!

(5) My computer is right here where I left it. Turned on my tensor lamp and voilà – the O.G. is ready to roll.

(6) Had a really nice Skype with Howard last night — noticed once again how insightful and good-natured he can be. This is especially illuminated over the Skype interface, where one can actually see the guy. Will wonders of technology never cease.

(7) Nice of Norman to have dinner with me at the Co-Op. Another very insightful and compassionate man.

(8) I am not at a loss for true friends at this time in my life.

(9) This honestly is the best I’ve felt in ages.

(10) I get to meet Jan at the station tonight and walk her back home. It sure is nice having her around. The Lord has blessed me so much. And I can be whom I’ve always wanted to be. Thank God for the good things in life.

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There was neither a speech nor a piano recording this week, for the simple reason that I’ve been relying on the high-quality microphone in my lady friend’s Motorola smartphone in order to make these recordings, and while she’s away visiting our friend on the Coast, I could not manage to locate another device.

On another level, however, I am still dealing with enormous exhaustion after having put my all into the creation of this new musical, Eden in Babylon, and having at last received the recordings on the demo for that musical. The third and final song in the demo, my song “Hunted,” is below.

Hopefully the present innervation precedes a future innovation. It’s going to take quite a bit of ingenuity to instigate the initiation of this initial production. I can’t just sit at home idling with incessant alliterations, to no avail. I have believed in this message to the Mainstream of Modern American Life. Now all I need to do is make sure the message is heard.