09 January 2014

American Horror Story Recap: "The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks" & The Magical Bullshit I Just Went Through

Hi - don't freak out. It's me, Papa Legba. You might know me as Voodoo Satan, but I try not to go by that since it's so...I don't know, severe? Sure, I'm devilish, but c'mon. Look at me! You think every red-eyed person is evil? Go to an albino convention and see how far that opinion gets you. Do I demand a fresh, innocent baby soul every year? Yeah, ok, you got me there. But who DOESN'T? I live in a world between worlds - not quite human, not quite god - and the currency here happens to be innocent baby souls. And I happen to use them. Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if you were me. You'd really just sit around, never even considering taking one baby soul? Oh ok, SURE.

Have I taken adult souls over the years? Of course I have! They want to give them to me! 300 years ago Marie Laveau begged me to come over, then she basically force-fed my nose a ton of cocaine, and then she just like, threw her soul on the table for me to take. I was like "Whoa whoa what's wrong with this soul?" She was like "Nothing, I just want to be immortal." So I was like "Ok then give me that baby you just had." Then she DID!!!! I was JOKING!!!!!!! And she full-on GAVE me her BABY!!!! And I'm the voodoo satan?

A few nights ago this aging blonde woman offered me her soul (plus a LOT more crap) to get the same deal as Laveau, but like, I wasn't going to do it. Yeah, she had amazing coke, and I'll be the first to admit I might have a very small cocaine thing...I don't like calling it an "addiction" because I'm not an addictive person, like, I don't have an addictive personality, but yeah, I guess I do it a lot and sure, maybe I can't stop. But it's not hurting me! My body is between worlds!!! What am I, going to have a heart attack after 5000 years of little bumps here and there? Anyway this blonde lady gave me coke and what was I going to do, be rude? I DID HER COKE, OK?

She was so pathetic - she invited Stevie Nicks over just to like, pretend it wasn't a big deal. Like "oh yeah, Stevie Nicks is downstairs, whatever. I want to sell you my SOUL and all that, which is a pretty huge thing since I'm 'the supreme' and everything" (like that means anything to me), and I was just like, ok whatever. I mean, I would've been down for a Stevie Nicks concert, but clearly she wasn't going to let that happen. I'd also heard she had a Frankenstein monster in the house, which I was kind of interested in seeing, but she obviously designed the evening to be all about her. I didn't take her soul in the end. Ummm, she didn't even have one. HELLO? DID YOU REALLY JUST SUMMON ME KNOWING YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SOUL? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "please waste my time?" Because please let me know if I do.

So after I'm like "no, definitely not, no way," she and Laveau get together and DROWN a girl with Down's Syndrome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'M THE VOODOO SATAN OK HA HA HA AMAZING! REALLY! REALLY LADIES?! The girl was sweet and clairvoyant and seemed pretty powerful as far as witchcraft goes, but when they tried to pass her off as an "innocent soul," I had to pump the brakes. Did they think I didn't know she poured BLEACH down PATTI LUPONE'S THROAT literally TO-DAY? TODAY, LADIES. She Heathered her boyfriend's mother today. I couldn't use that soul to buy a turd where I'm from! I swear to God. These women.

I swear I'm never coming back to deal with these assholes. They were riding my last nerve ALREADY, and THEN they murdered that girl. They could hire trucks and trucks to dump a mountain of pure, uncut cocaine in my front yard for all I care. I'm never dealing with them again. Would you? The blonde one OFFERED TO KILL HER BLIND DAUGHTER. Or maybe she's not blind anymore, but it doesn't matter, you know what I'm saying. I can't even joke anymore with these people, or else they might butcher like 10,000,000 doves for me. I don't know what the world is coming to. Frankly, I need a lil shneef right about now. It's the only thing that feels right anymore.