A Little Context

First and foremost, I like professional wrestling. So there is no “I hate wrestling” attitude threaded throughout this review. I want to say that up front. I watched WWF/WWE, WCW, and ECW as often as a could through high school and the first couple years of college. And if you’re wondering, Dean Malenko is the greatest wrestler of all time. While I don’t watch it so much anymore, I will not hesitate to defend it. I’m saying all this because if you’re interested in watching No Holds Barred, you’re either a bad movie fan, a wrestling fan, or, like me, both.

In 1989 Hulk Hogan was riding high in the WWF. He has just beaten Randy Savage to win the championship at Wrestlemania V, but it had been a few years since his appearance in Rocky III. The time was right for a Hulk Hogan to be back on the big screen. Enter No Holds Barred.

Take a look at this sweaty-man-filled trailer:

The Film

Hulk Hogan is Rip Thomas, World Heavyweight Champion of the World Wrestling Federation. It’s never really explained but in the world of this film pro wrestling, specifically the WWF, is the most popular thing on TV. And Rip is the biggest star. Not wanting his network to be second place in the ratings, Brell (played by Kurt Fuller), the head of rival channel World Television Network, wants Rip to jump ship. After his first attempt fails–literally a blank check–it’s time to play dirty. Brell’s plan B is a rival wrestling program–literally called “Battle of the Tough Guys”–that attracts the attention of the seemingly unstoppable Zeus. What follows is a series of attacks on Rip or those he cares about, in order to persuade him to meet Zeus in the ring.

Get ready for plenty of this

The main issue that keeps this movie from being entertaining is basically the same issue I have with any pro wrestling show–too much talking. For a movie starring a wrestler, and about a wrestler, there isn’t nearly enough wrestling. I know they want to inject a little meaning into the final battle, but come on. The Rocky movies had an excellent mix of story and boxing. Here you get two matches, one at the very beginning and one at the very end. You don’t even get any cool training montages of Rip leg drops. What we get instead is A LOT of Zeus doing things. Mainly punching and growling. You also get plenty of Brell talking. Exciting stuff. It’s a Hulk Hogan wrestling movie that doesn’t have enough Hulk Hogan and wrestling. I don’t understand how that happened.

When we finally do get a match, it’s mostly punching and face grabbing. The bout between Rocky and Hulk contained more wrestling moves than this, and was way more exciting, and that was a movie about a boxer. There is no excuse for why the last match is so boring. Yes, wrestling is planned out, but it’s exciting because it’s largely improvised in the moment. If you were filming a wrestling movie and you had days to shoot one match, you’d think it would come out a little better. Ready to Rumble, another bad movie about wrestling, at least knew to get the wrestling right. Simply caring about Rip’s brother isn’t enough to make it exciting.

Moving on from the wrestling, No Holds Barred is just a weird movie full of characters that don’t make any sense. It’s already strange seeing Rip being taken seriously by anyone considering he’s in wrestling attire throughout most of the movie, but compared to the villains Rip seems like the normal one. Brell and Zeus are like caricatures of the mean, business man villain and the tough, crazy villain. Brell is such a colossal dick that it’s a wonder he was ever even hired, let alone made it to the top. But now that he’s in charge, he is apparently so set on having the number one network that he’s literally willing to kill in order to do it. Zeus is SO tough that his arms cannot drop below a 45 degree angle. He never really talks and apparently does not possess the ability to move at regular speed.

Joan Severance is fine, though it’s hard to believe that she is attracted to Rip at all. There is zero chemistry at the beginning and them growing closer throughout the movie is never believable. It’s that “there is more to you than I thought therefore I will fall in love with you” cliche. Their coupling just kind of happens, and we’re expected to believe it would happen. Who wouldn’t fall for Hulk Hogan I guess?

But Can I Drink To It?

A big yes. This is a fun bad movie, thanks to how over-the-top and absurd it is.

Rules (to get you started)

1. Zeus walks slowly – DRINK for 3 seconds!

2. “jock ass” – DRINK for 5 seconds!

3. Rip makes someone literally shit their pants – finish your DRINK!

4.Someone’s face is being held onto as an offensive move – DRINK for as long as it happens!

He dresses like this through 95% of the movie. Unsurprisingly.

I watched No Holds Barred on Netflix for free. However, there is a blu ray on Amazon for $10. I’d by lying if I said I’m not seriously considering buying it.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

A Little Context

Marvel has come so far… Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. is a TV movie that was broadcast on Fox in 1998. At this point Marvel had just started what would become the current comic book movie boom they are largely responsible for. While some may say that for Marvel it began with X-Men in 2000, I would argue that the first movie demonstrating that a Marvel superhero can actually be done well was Blade–a movie released only a few months after Nick Fury, and written by the same guy, David S. Goyer. When you see both movies, however, it is shocking how different they are. Nick Fury feels 10 years older than it is, while Blade seems like it could have been released 5 years ago. The obvious difference of TV movie versus movie movie is a big factor, but I think this mainly shows how inconsistent Goyer is as a writer. Nick Fury isn’t good, and it certainly didn’t boost demand for more Nick Fury stuff. I think the current comic book movie landscape would have been very different today if Blade also hadn’t done well.

Take a look at this way-too-long trailer:

The Film

As you’ve probably gathered, David Hasselhoff plays Nick Fury. The movie opens on a cryogenics chamber within Trinity Base. Soldier Number One starts to defrost what appears to be an old man. Thanks to Soldier Number Two and his exposition, we learn that this man is actually infamous Nazi and Hydra leader Baron von Strucker. Soldier Number One shoots Number Two and lowers the “defense grid” of Trinity Base and releases some kind of toxic gas into the base. Hydra shows up and they extract von Strucker. Solder Number Two survives the bullet and the gas and makes one last effort to stop Hydra but gets shot a little more in the process. As he’s dying he comes face to face with von Strucker’s daughter and main movie villain Andrea von Strucker (AKA Viper) and says–to her for some reason–“Nick take care of her.” Not “Nick will hunt you down” or “Nick will avenge me” or something else threatening and cool, but instead he says “Nick take care of her.” I don’t know.

Meanwhile, Nick Fury has been “put out to pasture,” which means that for several years he has been living in the Yukon in what appears to be an old mine. He likes being alone. Enter S.H.I.E.L.D. agents Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine played by Lisa Rinna and Alexander Goodwin Pierce played by Neil Roberts (this is Robert Redford’s role in Captain America: The Winter Soldier interestingly enough). They’ve come to bring Nick back in as S.H.I.E.L.D.’s director. As you probably guessed, he’s not interested at first. Once he learns that Hydra is back and Baron von Strucker’s body was stolen, he accepts the offer. Let the fun begin.

Nick Fury is just various levels of frustrated throughout the movie.

It is first important to keep in mind that this is a movie written for TV. While I can’t really seem to find any indication that this was actually a pilot for a TV show, I imagine it would have to be. You’ll see why when you get to the end. Or the lack of one. The actual climax is so dull that it seems like it would be part of the rising action before the climax. And the final scene seems like it would be the scene before the actual climax. But nope. If you watch this movie without paying attention to the run time, you will be surprised by the credits. On the plus side, that kind of indicates that the movie doesn’t really feel long. Because it was written for TV, there is a very fast paced feel as every little between-the-commercial block needed to be interesting enough to keep you from changing the channel. Mission accomplished I suppose.

As you can probably imagine, the best part about Nick Fury is David Hasselhoff. It really seems like he loves this part. I imagine that’s why he overacts the hell out of this. Really putting as much emphasis as he can on his gruffness. You’ll see some very intense “what the hell are you talking about?” or “get a load of this guy” facial expressions. And get ready for a lot of cigar-in-mouth-but-i’m-still-going-to-talk-aggressively conversations. Unfortunately though the character quickly wears thin as the movie progresses due to his one-note personality. He’s the “surly and gruff but effective” hero. It was the 90s so I get it, but it’s not terribly fun to watch here. He’s not humble enough to you feel for, and he can’t be badass enough for you to really cheer any violence. Instead you just kind of have this dull middle ground.

Villains

The supporting case is basically just there. Lisa Rinna plays Lisa Rinna with a leather jumpsuit. Neil Roberts is fairly entertaining as the awkward British guy. The villains aren’t as memorable as they should be. Sanda Hess as Andrea von Strucker really gives it a go, but the stakes aren’t really established enough for her to be compelling or threatening. Her character building is basically just “this is the villain.” Also…the accents are incredible. Things are either shot outside or on some underground industrial-looking set. The effects are all around hilarious. Overall everything just feels cheesy.

But Can I Drink To It?

Definitely. Compared to a lot of other shitty movies, Nick Fury is actually entertaining, despite the fact that interest will start to wain by the end.

Rules (to get you started)

2. Nick Fury inserts or removes a cigar from his mouth – DRINK for 5 seconds!

3. “Let us rock! And let us roooollll!” – finish your DRINK!

4.Exterior of crappy looking S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier and jets – DRINK for as long as they’re onscreen!

Sexual tension

I watched Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D on YouTube for free. Or, if you’re a hardcore collector and have a lot of disposable income, you can buy the DVD on Amazon for $115. There is no 4K remastered blu ray unfortunately.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

A Little Context

The opening of the Wikipedia article contains basically all you will ever need to know about this movie:

Chairman of the Board is a 1998 comedy film starring Courtney Thorne-Smith and Carrot Top in which a surfer/inventor (Carrot Top) inherits and runs a billionaire’s company. It was poorly received by both critics and audiences.

I was 14 when this movie came out. I have a vague recollection of Carrot Top being somewhat big in the 90s. A brief moment where people were like “hey Carrot Top is kind of cool.” Chairman of the Board is an obvious and simplistic cash grab at whatever Carrot Top boom was going on at the time, with no concern of the boom’s longevity. As you’ve probably guessed, it did not last long. The estimated budget for Chairman of the Board was a baffling $10,000,000. The film unfortunately only made back less than $200,000. Carrot Top has never had another starring role in a movie.

Check out this hilarious, wacky trailer:

The Film

Carrot Top plays Edison. Edison likes to invent stuff (get it? Edison)…and surf (get it? board). When the film opens Edison doesn’t have a lot of money. Sadly, none of his inventions have caught on. These “inventions” are basically just the silly props Carrot Top is famous for. With no money and it being his turn to pay the rent, Edison must look for work. While out on a drive, Edison comes across an old man on the side of the road with a broken-down car. Edison is unsuccessful at repairing the vehicle but he and the old man bond over surfing (the old man is a surfer) and inventions (the old man is also an inventor). Not long after that, the old man dies and inexplicably decides that because Edison is creative, he should run the old man’s company. You’ll have to watch the movie to get the rest of this thrill ride…

Get ready for an hour and a half of this

Besides the random bequeathing part, this movie is basically Tommy Boy with Chris Farley swapped out for Carrot Top. So Tommy Boy minus the humor or charm. This is the ultimate issue with the movie, the main character isn’t likable. He has that frustrating blend of sometimes being smart and then sometimes being dumb. He either gets shit done or is bizarrely unaware of his surroundings. Maybe my bar is too high, but I tend to have a problem with characters that wouldn’t actually seem to be able to function in the world, even one as it exists in Chairman of the Board. Why anyone would trust him with anything is mind boggling. Instead of being eccentric and charming, Edison is just kind of an idiot and annoying.

Edison’s friends/roommates, particularly the very cliched surfer bro, are also kind of unlikable. Edison can’t contribute to the rent? Hey no worries let’s just surf. Edison spends their rent money on stupid inventions? Hey no worries let’s just surf. Edison gets them evicted so they are literally homeless? Hey no worries let’s just surf. I get that they’re best of friends, but who am I supposed to root for here? Just give me one character to ground the movie.

Bravo to Courtney Thorne-Smith, who went from kissing attractive people on Melrose Place to kissing Carrot Top. She plays a character who feels like the one rational person in this world, but then falls for Edison for basically no reason. There is a brief moment when they go on a date together that actually feels kind of real. It’s like a breath of fresh air that comes out of nowhere. Unfortunately it quickly passes and we’re back to the series of bits that is this movie. Larry Miller predictably, but reliably, plays the movie’s villain and overall asshole who is trying to stop Carrot Top and take the company/money for himself. Towards the beginning of the movie it is established that Miller’s character loves his car. Which, of course, is just an eye-rolling set-up for Edison to mess it up. Like I said, this movie is just a series of bits.

Villains

There isn’t much more to say about Chairman of the Board. It’s bad. Not completely un-fun, but very close to it. Slapstick-y or pun-y comedies with thin plots get away with it because their casts are fun to watch. This is not the case here.

But Can I Drink To It?

Like The Adventures of Pluto Nash, this movie is dull and not much fun. Watch this in a group with plenty of alcohol.

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No accredited school or university should pay any additional amount of money to any football player in a college uniform. Period. Continue reading

College football players have decided to create unions (LINK) in order to get more money for themselves on top of a fully paid college scholarship, free housing, food, books and all of the other intangible superlatives that come with being a football player. They are claiming they are employees of the school and they should be compensated as such. Well, guess what? You don’t have to play. If you don’t want to be a student-athlete, then don’t. There. It’s that simple. You’re not being forced to play college football. It’s a privilege, not a right. Colleges should not pay one additional dime to the players. Next thing you know high schools are paying their high school players money, because guess what…. high school football also brings in revenue for schools.

No one player is bigger than the school or the University’s tradition. You’re going to be gone in a few years regardless of what happens and someone else will step right in and take your place. Once in a while a player will come along and give a University a boost nationally like an RG III for Baylor or Johnny Manziel with Texas A&M, but for the most part and actually more so with the big time conference schools, AJ McCarrons do kind of grow on trees.

Now on the flip side of this, I fully support the Ed O’Bannon lawsuit (LINK) stating in a nutshell that college players should make money off of their own likeness because that’s basically business 101. Also, if Johnny Booster wants to buy a 19 year old freshman a nice dinner for him and his friends, they should be able to. You want to be an idiot and swap your Big Ten Championship rings in exchange for a tattoo (LINK), go ahead! Albeit that is insanely dumb to do, but at the same time, who cares and who does this hurt? As long as the school itself is not paying anything to the players outside of their scholarship money and stipend, then by all means!

This would also ensure a more capitalistic approach to the situation. If colleges start paying college players, then what happens when “guy that has never seen the field” is making as much as the star quarterback? It’s basically like an intern getting paid the same as a VP. So, how’s that going to play out? If you leave the “payment” to the “outside” and let all of that shady stuff be legal, then the bigger players will definitely end up with the bigger paydays via the boosters.

A Little Context

The Adventures of Pluto Nash came out during an interesting time in Eddie Murphy’s career. Released in 2002, he was fresh off of voicing Donkey in Shrek. While that movie was fantastic, Murphy’s live action career had been dwindling. Doctor Doolittle and its sequel, Nutty Professor 2, Holy Man, Life…despite none of these movies being as critically acclaimed as Nutty Professor in 1996, only Holy Man and Life didn’t make money at the box office. Which, knowing Hollywood, is all that really matters. So obviously the next step is to take the biggest gamble yet and spend 100 million on a science fiction action/comedy led by Eddie Murphy. The end result is one of the worst box office bombs ever. Pluto Nash only made back 7% of it’s cost.

Take a look at this trailer and you can see why. And spoiler alert if you for some reason care, the big reveal of the movie is in the trailer. That always blows my mind.

The Film

To be honest, I wanted this movie to be worse. A complete train-wreck of a movie would have at least been more interesting to watch. Biggest issue The Adventures of Pluto Nash has is how terribly bland and generic it is. This movie is the film equivalent of asking for a cookie, and then being shown a round cookie cutter. Not only is it not nearly as satisfying as the actual cookie (a good film), but it’s not even an interesting looking cookie cutter. Assuming that analogy didn’t make perfect sense, let’s break this down:

The first thing I want to touch on here is the overall world building and design. Blade Runner this is not. Nothing in Pluto Nash feels organic. It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that setting this movie in the future just meant that the designers and writers could just get away with wacky stuff. It’s the difference between “what would a space suit actually look like in the future?” and “wouldn’t it be cool if they each had differently colored space suits?” There is no logic or consistency with anything. Things just are or things just happen simply because “it’s the future and who cares.” This problem seems nit-picky, but it matters. When a movie feels inauthentic, regardless of the genre, it’s hard to care about anything. It’s like you’re watching a cartoon.

From a visual standpoint Pluto Nash is just kind of ugly. Despite all the bright colors things just kind of turn into this weird grey/brown blob in your head. Like a colorful but dark tunnel. Nothing ever looks as interesting as it’s supposed to. Backgrounds look like they were built using remnants of some weird theme park “Land of the Future.” Every location looks like a set and outfits look like they belong in a Saturday Night Live sketch set in the future. Remember how beautiful that sunrise looked in Blade Runner after we get neon signs and dark streets? Well you’ll get none of that here. Instead, after this movie is over you’ll just feel like you haven’t been outside in 48 hours.

Eddie Murphy basically plays Eddie Murphy here. Inexplicably nonchalant but ready for anything. Always cool. He either already has or can quickly come up with a plan. He was a smuggler is basically the only explanation we’re given. A black Han Solo I guess. The problem is that this movie isn’t really all that funny, and it’s not good enough to get away with being just an action movie. Things just kind of happen for an hour and a half and then you’re done. You want to laugh occasionally but you wont. Rosario Dawson is solid but doesn’t really stand out. It’s never really clear if she’s supposed to be the love interest of the movie. Her character is the daughter of one of Pluto Nash’s friends so it seems like it might be a protector/mentor thing…but then sometimes it seems like they’re interested in each other… It’s like they couldn’t quite figure out which way to go so we get some weird middle. Regardless, the chemistry between the two actors feels forced so it doesn’t really matter what they are. It’s just awkward to watch.

robots of the future

Unfortunately there really isn’t much more to say about this movie without really going into individual scenes. The Adventures of Pluto Nash is just kind of… there. It’s generic. It’s bland. It makes you want out. Without having seen it before, you will feel like you’ve seen it before. I know you can break down most stories into some kind of trite, simplistic formula, but good stories have at least something that is compelling–a unique element, a good character, fantastic world-building, etc. Pluto Nash has nothing fresh.

But Can I Drink To It?

You will need to. This movie is bland. Alcohol will help.

Rules (to get you hammered)

1. Eddie Murphy looks “cool” – DRINK for 3 seconds!

2. A robot is weirdly horny – DRINK for 5 seconds!

3. Alec Baldwin?! – finish your DRINK!

4.The kiss-me-so-the-bad-guys-don’t-see-us cliche – DRINK as long as it happens!

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If you’re anything like me, you grew up watching every R-Rated VHS your Mom or Dad let you rent from the video store. Any kid growing up in the 80s or 90s was usually allowed to watch anything involving beheadings, mutilations and/or genocide, but no sex! So, as a fan of action movies from early on, I’ve seen both The Expendables and The Expendables 2: Even More Expendables more than I’d like to admit. So, here we are with The Expendables 3: Whey Protein Shots, aka the multi-million dollar #actionporn brainchild of the insanely vascular Sylvester Stallone. The Expendables 3 plot is as follows: The story follows a bunch of guys who were betrayed by a former guy. Now all of these guys want to get back at that guy before that guy takes those guys out. Oh, and there’s a girl in there (Ronda Rousey). Continue reading

I don’t care about plot. I don’t care about fourth wall breaking jokes. I don’t care about acting. I care about The Transporter throwing knives with Passenger 57. I care about a Universal Soldier interacting with the Last Action Hero. I care about muscle mass. This movie, although greedily downgraded to PG-13 to make even more money, will be heavy on the action, and light on the realism. But that’s okay, because really what we’re paying to watch is a just bunch of our action heroes all existing in the same magical world. The same world where HGH injections run rapid and in which beret style hats are in style. So, considering we are paying for the players in the game and not necessarily the game itself, I figured it’d be nice to see which character/actor would come out victorious in a Mortal Kombat style tournament (Linden Ashby, here’s hoping you come on for Expendables 4). This is a 17 Fighter Tournament and includes everyone from the poster above plus Robert Davi. The first round was divided as best I could by age and height, as well as having one “fight-in” round. ENJOY!

Round 1: WEST BRACKET

*Stallone fights the winner of the play-in fight between Rousey and Lutz

On paper this may seem like an easy victory for Mad Max himself, but let’s not underestimate Mr. Grammer too quickly here. He came out unscathed from Down Periscope, as well as being married to his crazy Real Housewife for a long time. Plus he’s got a 3″ height difference between himself and Gibson. Gibson seems to be a bit more aggressive and intense. However, his outbursts only seem to involve verbal abuse and abuse towards women. Stepping into the ring with an intelligent man like Kelsey Grammer may just throw him for a loop. Plus, Grammer’s forehead is as big as a helicopter landing pad, so if he can figure out a way to take blows to that area resulting in some crushed Gibson knuckles, I’m going out on a limb then to give this round 1 underdog victory to Frasier. Winner: Kelsey Grammer

Having never met Kellan Lutz and or seem him in person, he comes off to me as that kid in kindergarten who had a 6 pack, but was never actually really athletic. It’s like God wasted too much time sculpting his abs and gave up on the hand-eye coordination part. I guarantee you Lutz is that jerk that could not work out for 6 months at a time and still be made of marble (yes, 100% jealousy talking about this right now). Also, Kellan Lutz had the audacity to try to out Hercules my favorite person on Earth, Dwayne Johnson and the baseball scene from Twilight is terrible. On top of all of this, Rousey is a trained fighter who drove me from six to midnight when she recently called out Floyd Mayweather. I believe Kellan Lutz would come out hesitant as if he is afraid to hit a girl, which would lead Rousey to work the ground game, causing a Lutz tap. Winner: Ronda Rousey

Rousey now gets the pleasure of facing all that is Stallone in her second fight. For all of the reasons above, I like Rousey putting up a good fight. But in the end, the fact is is that Sylvester Stallone is slowly starting to look like a Michael Bay’esque CGI version of himself with veins that could bust through his arms at any point. And that’s good enough for me. Winner: Sylvester Stallone

First things first, both of these guys are a lot shorter than I expected. Also, Banderas is sneakily younger than I thought, while Snipes is sneakily older than I thought. Ok, so we have Desperado vs. Drop Zone. While Snipes has been counting prison floor tiles, Banderas has been making millions and getting better with age. He also has the only dialogue worth remembering from the trailer (“courageous, but insane”). However, Despeardo had a guitar case full of guns and in this mythical fight tournament, it’s all hand to hand. Having said that, we all know where this is going. Banderas is Puss n’ Boots and Snipes killed Stephen Dorff predicting the hatred that would spew from all of us during his E-Cigarette commercials. Winner: Wesley Snipes

The movie fan in me really wants to describe the fact that Indiana Jones would somehow come out on top in this situation. However, I just can not bring myself to do that. As the recentStar Wars production has taught us anything it’s that Harry Ford is getting older and we just need to accept that. Randy Couture, although a little unknown to the movie world, is a former wrecking ball in the UFC, racking up years of professional fights and belts, as well as being a former Division 1 men’s college wrestling All-American. Dude’s nasty. Winner: Randy Couture

Round 1: EAST BRACKET

Jet Li (Age 51, Height 5’6″) vs. Victor Ortiz (Age 27, Height 5’9″)

The smaller physical stature of these 2 men would also be the most magical to watch. Think Tommy vs his brother’s killer in the last fight scene from Best of the Best. Jet Li is a little older, but at the same time, he’s smarter and wiser. Ortiz on the other hand has quietly made a nice career for himself in the boxing world, but lost some street creed after competing in Dancing with the Stars. Romeo does not die. Winner: Jet Li

Ivan Drago vs. Jake Fratelli; both pure evil incarnate. Davi has that stare that could crack a windshield and a face that screams “yah, I’ve done some shit in my life.” However. Dolph Lundgren is Dolph Lundgren. He jumped over a moving car inShowdown in Little Tokyo (15 years before Kobe Bryant faked it for a commercial). He is a Swedish born bio-chemist. He is also a statue of a man at 6’5″ and can more than likely smell crime in a mesh tank top (enjoy). Winner: Dolph Lundgren

To the untrained eye, Terry Crews is just a hilarious, robot dancing funny guy from everything from Everybody Hates Chris to Brooklyn 99. He is also a former NFL defensive end who went to college on an art scholarship. Bonus points, he’s one of my favorite actors. Arnold definitely fits the Kellan Lutz mold from above; built, shredded and lacking any and all hand-eye coordination. With a two decade age gap and no illegitimate children with his nanny though, I think we all know where this one is going. Winner: Terry Crews

Round 2: WEST BRACKET

Although we can all raise our glasses to Grammer for making it out of round 1, unfortunately this is the end of his ride. Unlike Mel Gibson, Stallone is now genetically engineered for this type of tournament. Considering he’s probably also lacking the education and knowledge to keep up with Grammer’s intelligence, he would just phase any of that “misdirection” out and concentrate on breaking ribs like he did in Rocky. Winner: Stallone

Randy Couture (Age 51, Height 5’11”) vs. Welsey Snipes (Age 52, 5’9″)

Wesley Snipes has gotten a bad reputation in his films for being an arrogant prima donna. It’s all about him and this is the time to show it. After a smooth victory over Banderas in round 1, he now comes ear to cauliflower ear with Randy Couture, a man who’s chest you could cook eggs off of. Although Snipes did accomplish some wicked WWE style wrestling moves during Blade 2, he’s no match for the brute masculinity that Couture brings to the ring. Winner: Couture

Round 2: EAST BRACKET

Jet Li (Age 51, Height 5’6″) vs. Dolph Lundgren (Age 56, Height 6’5″)

Call it David vs. Goliath, Little Guy vs. Big Guy, or even China vs. Sweeden. But, with nearly a 12″ height advantage and a jaw line that measures perfect right angles, Jet Li would have to get in many, many blows in order to make a dent in this guy. With no weapons allowed in this type of tournament (David had a slingshot), it really does come down to size. Sorry Mr. Li. Winner: Lundgren

The Terry fan in me wants Terry Crews to win at everything, but the karate fan in me thinks Statham would execute too many roundhouses for my liking. Terry Crews comes off as a warm sweet heart, so here’s what I predict: as the bell for round 1 rings, he gets a call from his wife that one of his children is sick. He takes a dive in the first round to tend to his child. This way my heart doesn’t hurt imagining Terry Crews losing. Winner (by controversy): Statham

Round 3: WEST BRACKET FINALS

Time for some good old fashioned guy stuff here. I’m talking fixing carburators, drinking Bud Heavies, wearing flannel shirts unbuttoned with an old high school football t-shirt on underneath it; you know guy shit. Randy’s got the age, the height and the fighting background; but as the saying that no one has ever said in life goes: “Always bet on the 68 year old who’s voice has more bass than a Dolby surround system.” Maybe it’s because he’s the star and creator of this franchise or because I am such a Stallone fan in general, but toe to toe I can’t imagine Stallone not breaking ribs. I mean come on! To make Grudge Match seem legitimately fair, they blinded him in one eye! Yes, that was versus De Niro, but still! Winner: Stallone

Round 3: EAST BRACKET FINALS

Drago has really lucked out with being enormous and facing all shorter foes. Lucky for him there’s no weight classes in this hypothetical Fighting Tournament. However, what Jet Li lacked was power, which is precisely what Statham will bring to the table. He’s shorter, but faster. If Bruce Lee can knock people down with a 1″ punch, I’m 100% positive Statham can cause some damage with spinning JCVD style kicks. With the Crank franchise under his belt as well, Statham definitely has the tenacity to never give up. This one would definitely go the distance. But in the end, Statham has too much junk yard dog blood in his veins to lose in anything. Winner: Statham

DING! DING! CHAMPIONSHIP FIGHT!

The 2 main stars of the franchise now face each other in the Championship Fight! There’s a reason Stallone cast Statham to play his #2, because he knows Statham was coming to dethrone him anyways, so might as well make it look as if he tutored the student to become the teacher. Statham would bring all of the intensity from the previous rounds. Plus, he’d have more rest since that whole Terry Crews controversy from before. Stallone would now be a bit winded, with no voice left from too many grunts through the first rounds to put up much of a fight. The victory and torch goes to…