Tag Archives: Osborne

We don’t have the technical capability for fancy graphics and menus and stuff like that, so in order to explain what the new budget means for you we can’t have you clicking through options.

But we have found another way to achieve the same end result.

Think whether you are married, have children, own a business, all of those type of things that ‘proper’ news sources like the BBC would ask you. Get a really clear idea in your head of your particular circumstances, then read the below statement that will miraculously confirm exactly what the budget means for you. Continue reading →

The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.

Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.

“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”Continue reading →

George Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.

“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.

“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.

“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”

The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.

But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.

“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”

Productivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.

Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.

“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”

Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.Continue reading →