15 Y/O Daughter Lost Virginity to Boyfriend Then He Broke Up With Her

Sex isn't the most highest, it should be the personality, to win a female over completely so she would want to stay with you forever, become a mother
to your children and supporting your efforts so you can pay the bills or the other way around in a more modern household. She isn't her body which
had something and then she lost it to some guy even though many guys would want others to believe that so they appear to have something.

If that (her personality taken away) didn't happen then there is not much to worry about, she didn't lose her personality, she's not hanging on the
guys wall like a trophy, he got nothing but a memory of her and maybe in time he'll learn how to love a woman right.

And what others are saying your wife should be no.1 and you shouldn't allow yourself to be used by your daughter, tell her it's bad of her trying to
force you in not telling your wife and daughters shouldn't try to control their dads and she has to tell her mother too or else you will not be so
close anymore in the future since you can only be close to eachother when there are no secrets.

And last but not least she may listen, but that is not the same as actually doing something the other told. Don't be let down; you wanted her to have
a good first experience and being in a stable relationship and being somewhat older would give more of a guarantee. But ultimately sex isn't the way
to romantic love, it's not only about how two bodies can fit (if only because every male/female body is compatible) but two minds and then two souls
as well and also important to mention what they contribute in society when they are united.

You did what you could, you can't really beat yourself up over it. And rest assured you didn't make it any easier for her to do. You made
responsible choices all the way around and in turn your daughter made an informed decision and acted responsibly herself. I think every parent would
wish for abstinence until marriage for their children, the reality is that isn't going to happen. There are reasons marriages at a young age were so
common and most of them probably revolve around the fact horny teenagers have a really hard time keeping their parts to themselves. One of the
problems with guiding your children in this area is that often they do not understand the emotional consequences that follow the act. One of the
hardest things for any parent to do is letting their children fail on their own. Your young daughter may have failed to abstain from sex, but that
isn't really what you should be looking at. Because she succeeded at not only doing it responsibly, but when the emotional burden of the following
events became too much she talked to you about it.

P.S. Do not tell your wife. You should encourage your daughter to, but it is not something you should do. IF you do you will damage your daughters
ability to trust you, and she will just simply start shutting you out of those important conversations.

You did what you could do by teaching her to be safe, and you should be proud that she listened.
You left obviously have good communication with her, and she must feel safe being open and honest with you, you should be proud that she trust and
loves you enough. How many 15 y/o girls are really telling their parents their having sex?

All I would say is make sure mentally she's ok, kids get all the physical consequences beat into them about std's and pregnancy but no one takes the
time to explains how emotional it is. How vulnerable or exposed you could feel afterwards. Hell I still know adults that can't handle the emotional
aspects of sex. I would say you should be proud if her for coming to you, my daughter will be 15 in two months and we talk to her all the time about
sex drugs and alcohol. No we don't want her doing any of the above anytime soon but we want her to feel comfortable enough to know that if she ever
gets in to a situation where she does that she can call us.

Not saying this is exactly how it goes but , 15 year old girls want sex just as much as 15 yr old boys !
be happy that she told you and did have sex with someone she loves !

You cant just think it was the boy who broke up after he got what he wanted
maybe your daughter dumped him after she got what she wanted

Yep your daughter dumped him after she got what she wanted which is what they do 99% of the time because they flip out and can't believe what they
felt unlike poor old guys like me that can't feel a thing from the waist down even though I can still walk! I'm a walking paraplegic!

As a woman who has had daughters and grand -daughters it has always puzzled
me that such an artificial/high value is placed on 'virginity'! and often wonder if
it is a 'man thing' ... as in it is always referred to as 'taken' or 'given'

Not being au fait in such matters, but I believe that in prostitution a 'virgin' is of
higher value than one of experience? ... yet that doesn't bode well in other
professions, a doctor? a dentist? a lawyer? all preferred with experience under
their belts.

So if 'virginity' didn't hold this 'artificial value' it would just be another hurdle
(learning curve) for the human male/female like

# weaning
# potty training
# school
# driving
# earning a living etc. etc...
Each stage being achieved when the person was ready and mature enough.

OP your girl will be fine

but she needs to know that you and your wife are
as close as you are with her!

I feel sorry for you, being disappointed and all that but to be honest, its called life, you should tell her to use it as a 'life experience' and
use it to make more informed decisions next time. But any parent is protective of their child, you've done the best you could but it happens.
Move on and tell her you were like that at that age, everybody is. Maybe next time we may not be so gullible or trusting of others, but we all learn
from our mistakes.

This situation is very common and sadly, I do believe there are a lot of young women looking for love and connection that end up very hurt. This
isn't just about being safe with one's body so as to not get disease or an unwanted pregnancy, but what is going on with your daughters heart. I
think it might be very important to look for any changes in behavior, and see if she is involved in other things or does she end up boyfriend hopping?

I have three girls, and one of them found out the hard way just how fickle a boy can be. My other two because of what their older sister has gone
through want nothing to do with boys at this time, and see it as stupid to get involved in high school when they have a lot more to focus on now. I
am more concerned about your daughters self esteem, respect, and trusting mom and dad.

We've actually known about the emotional consequences of sex for a long time. Dr. Armand Nicholi, Jr., clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard
Medical School, describes a study he helped to carry out in the 1960s:

"Not long after the sexual revolution was underway, clinicians observed that the new sexual freedom was creating a psychological disaster. We began
to study Harvard students who complained of emptiness and despondency. "There was a gap between their social conscience and the morality they were
practicing in their personal lives. The new sexual permissiveness was leading to empty relationships and feelings of self-contempt. Many of these
students were preoccupied with the passing of time and with death. They yearned for meaning, for a moral framework. "When some of them moved away
from moral relativism to a system of clear values — typically embracing a drug-free lifestyle and a strict sexual code — they reported that their
relationships with the opposite sex improved, as did relations with peers in general, relationships with their parents, and their academic
performance."7 The Harvard study, besides showing the negative effects of uncommitted sex, also shows that individuals can choose to change their
sexual behavior and reap the rewards of sexual self-discipline.

lol, you straight out accused the male of "using" the female to gain sexual gratification based on this one sided second hand piece of evidence.

Yeah, that's what we do, we have a little hormone called testosterone. You can inject women with it, see what happens. Women have estrogen and
progesterone, which makes them think they deserve to know everything.

Wow, put "15 yr old girl" and "loses virginity" in the same headline and see how interested people get... thus not surprising it happened to her.

The only odd thing is that she trusts you and told you... kids can be smart and they'll still do stupid stuff to see for themselves (if they have a
good, skeptical mind).

Though having sex when your body is screaming at you to do so isn't exactly stupid, and as long as she's healthy and not pregnant, then it's simply a
learning/teaching experience... like learning she's lucky to have been born in a more enlightened time and place where her intact hymen isn't the sum
total of her worth.

Oh, and by the way, I've never experienced an intact hymen before, but believe people who say they exist.

Originally posted by Metallicus
My fifteen year old daughter had sex with her boy friend...maybe 4-5 times and then be broke up with her. I really never expected this would happen
to me as a father. She is very smart, somewhat conservative and we had all the talks about waiting and I trusted her to do just that. Last night she
told me about her having sex with her boy friend and that they broke up. I feel heartbroken and also as if I failed her.

I really thought she was listening to me. I may have made some mistakes along the way. I told her I would love her no matter what which in
retrospect almost seems like condoning what she did. I also gave her condoms just in case for her and her friends. I didn't expect for her to use
them (although I found out she did which is a good thing). I did these things to be realistic. I did these things because I love her. Now I wonder
if I didn't make it easy for her.

When she told me I think I must have turned white as a ghost. I didn't react. I wanted to be 'cool' about it. I felt good that she had trust in
me to tell me even at the same time I was really disappointed in her. I knew enough not to judge. She told me it was a 'logical' choice for her
because she really loves/loved this guy and she didn't want to end up doing it with someone later in life that she didn't care for like she did
him.

I actually like this guy. He is smart and is probably going places, but like most 15 year old boys he rally wasn't ready for a relationship. He
used my daughter and then discarded her. I really feel like crap because I warned her of this very thing. She is a smart girl...I just don't
understand this.

Anyway, I needed to vent a little and share. She hasn't told my wife so I can't talk to my wife about this. My daughter trusted me and told me to
tell no one. Only her two best friends know other than me.

What say you ATS? This community is a lot like a surrogate family to me. I am confused. Angry. Proud? I am not sure. Lots of emotions. I am
trying to process all of this right now. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

edit on 2013/9/1 by Metallicus because: Spelling Error

I know this is a hard thing, and I am not a father myself but I feel you did everything you could have done as a parent. As much as I agree, teens
should not be engaging in sexual activity at such a young age it does happen, and in reality no matter how parents go about talks it is going to
happen. Teenagers are curious, and trying to grow up so fast these days. They are trying to take control of their own lives, and as much as this is a
necessary part of growing up mistakes both from a parents perspective as well as a the teens perspective are bound to happen. We can not learn in life
with out making mistakes. If no one ever made a mistake we would never learn and grow from our mistakes.

I feel you have succeeded as a father. You have not failed your daughter or yourself. You provided a person to confide in, as well as all the
necessary means to protect one self. I am actually very proud of you. I do not agree with your daughters choice to have sex, but given the
circumstances she will both learn from the situation, and continue to confide in you and look to you for support and guidance.

Both you and I were teenage boys at one point, we are aware of how we can act. We are also aware of the irresponsibility that hangs on a young mans
shoulders for many years before he becomes a man. The best advice I can give you is keep being you. You handled this situation very well, both before
and after the fact. One thing I fear now that I'm engaged, marriage is on the way, and kids to follow I worry very much about having a daughter. I am
extremely protective and with the way the world seems to be evolving I'm terrified. I only wish I am able to handle future situations the same as
you. I have a lot of respect for you, and admire you're ability to communicate and keep your cool in this situation.

I am not the man you are, I would have probably flipped my lid both at my daughter and the young man. How ever I have not had any experience as a
parent and only hope I am able to grow and adapt as you have.

You're a great father, continue to be all you can be. You're daughter is the most important, in this situation and though you may disagree with her
choice you seem to be doing a bang up job mate!!!

What really shocks me is how the others on this forum describe healthy sex as being something that happens with multiple partners over a period of
time until you get it right. Sex is becoming a purely physical act to produce physical pleasure and nothing more. What about a time when sex was
giving all of yourself to one specific person to share with and become one with.

I don't think it's old fashion to believe sex should be saved for one person that your share forever with. Now a days people get married and
divorced as fast as the seasons change. Nobody teaches what real love is anymore, or how to work through the problems and difficulties that arise,
now it's just trade in when ever things go wrong.

Statistics prove that children who come from families in which the parents are either divorced or were never married to begin with, are much more
likely to not only repeat the pattern but also to progressively get worse and lead to crime and mental disease.

There is a reason that our world is deteriorating and crime is at an all time high, regardless of belief system, the human eco system is set up for a
man and a woman's bodies to produce offspring. Much like how things work in the animal Kingdom, if one of the sexes of that animal didn't follow
it's role whatever that may be, that animals bloodline would die off. Science shows us perfect examples of why and how families need to operate in
order to prosper and survive within our larger ecosystem.

We all try to do our best as parents. Sometimes our kids surprise us by being smart and polite and ethical. Sometimes they have teen-sex or do drugs
or run off. When they do that, it's our parenting that needs to change. Your daughter is a minor and, depending on your State, probably below the
age of consent. If that is the case, then your daughter did not have a right to consent.

Still, it's over and you don't want to do anything rash. I get that. Still, my advice is:

1) Tell your wife. You made a promise to honor her, not your daughter. Don't make this situation worse by keeping secrets from the lady who is
supposed to be your partner. Maybe you can get your daughter to share the situation with your wife? Your wife should be forewarned so she doesn't
explode.

2a) Take your daughter out for the day; just you and her. Tell her that she has to go to the gynecologist. DO NOT get her birth control. Get her a
well woman exam for a sexually active teenager. Ask for all possible outcomes. That means that your daughter will receive pre-test HIV counseling,
along with a variety of other counseling about STDs and teen pregnancy. Do not consent to birth control during this visit. Let that be a
conversation for another day.

2b) Then take your daughter out for lunch and, spur of the moment, buy her a new phone. A phone that you will have chosen earlier, that you and the
people at the phone store will have set up with GPS-tracking. Yeah, I know, breach-of-trust. I also like to call it parenting. You dropped the ball
once. Don't let it happen again. If you have more kids, do the same thing for them on another shopping trip.

2c) Get your daughter a copy of "Forever" by Judy Blume. Encourage her to read it ASAP.

3a) When you get the test results back, be sure that mom and daughter have had the talk. Go over the results as parents and child and be ready for
some bad news, but hope for the best.

3b) If anything does show up in those test results, please share the results with the boy and his parents. It's the right thing to do. Please take
a moment to let the Department of Public Health know that the boy is an STD carrier, so that any other partners he has had may be notified.

4a) Don't punish her or reward her. Just let her know that she #ed up and that you are disappointed in her and yourself. Leave it at that.

4b) Get your daughter a babysitting job. With babies. Little tiny babies. Get her trained for babysitting babies. Infant CPR. The whole nine.
Then make sure that she is working every Friday and Saturday night. Take time to bring her dinner and check on her every night, so she knows that she
is loved.

And chin up. It's not our failures that define us, but how we adjust and react to them.

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