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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

What will it be? Fear of man or leap of faith?

When I think back on my life I
can recall a few defining moments on my journey of discovering myself through
facing my fears.

I remember when I was just 20
and someone attempted to steal my car one evening. They didn’t succeed but they
did make off with my sunglasses. I’ve only had them maybe a few days. It was
the most expensive (and most stylish) pair I’ve ever owned – expensive because
of the polarized lenses. When you have blue eyes that are quite sensitive to
bright sunlight, then a pair of sunglasses becomes a necessity rather than a
fashion statement.

Someone gave me another pair
but it was nothing compared to what I had lost. You know the saying Beggars can’t be choosers; I could
barely drive without sunglasses, so I accepted. They turned out to be surprisingly
effective. The only problem I had with it was that it resembled something from
the era of pink hair and pink Cadillac’s back in the 50’s – cat-eyes they’re
called – and for those of you who don’t know what that is, this should explain
it sufficiently:

Cat-eye sunglasses (Source of picture: Vintage Fashion Club)

These glasses were on. my. face.
people! You couldn’t look at me and miss it! I battled so badly with being self
conscious back then; I remember struggling to walk away from people - men or woman, young or old,one person or a crowd – I was convinced
that they were gossiping about the way my bum move when I walk. Now I couldn’t
walk away, neither could I face anyone. So, since I mostly wore them when driving, I would pretend like I was reaching
for something under the dashboard - as a means of hiding away - whenever I had to stop at a red light. That is mostly when people would look around and notice. Only problem with
that is that you cannot drive with your head under the dash.

I determinedly decided to use
it to my advantage and vowed that I would resist the urge to duck under the
dashboard every time someone seemed to stare at me curiously, as if to say, “Hey
dudette, what’s that on your face?” I was going to use it to strengthen my
resolve not to care what people think of me; I was going to build my confidence
by facing my fear!

The second – and biggest
defining moment of my life – was the day I decided to get divorced. When I got
married I did so out of fear of disappointing others, and consequently being
rejected by them. My fear outweighed my faith, but my decision to get divorced
was a decision for me – it was my way
of saying that I could not live the life I thought others had planned for me. I
had to correct the mistake I made and get back to the last place where I knew that
I had been on track – felt like I was on track. To this day it still resembles
one of the most courageous moments of my life; the moment that I truly decided
to start loving myself instead of looking to others for their approval of me.

The yearning for approval from
others did not magically disappear, and I was yet to conquer many more obstacles,
but I was on my way to finally starting to discover me, accept me, like me…
love me.

Part of this journey was my
starting to take guitar lessons at 25. It wasn’t long before my music teacher
challenged me to do more with my talent than just pick at strings around the
campfire. She suggested I play music exams through the university. She believed
in me; I took the plunge. Around 29 I was the same age as the mommies of the
ten year olds who were playing the same music as me. I remember feeling self
conscious because I didn’t have those opportunities when I was ten, but I had
such a desire to learn it and this was my time to do it. Every time that I played
in front of an audience – even if just one stranger – my hands and knees would
start to shake uncontrollably and I was practising not to show my
disappointment every time I made a mistake, but to keep on making beautiful
music in the face of my fear.

Also in my early twenties, I was part of the praise and worship team in my church. I love singing, I love music. I still
have a dream that God is going to use it to touch the lives of others for His
glory, but I also struggled to sing in front of an audience. Every service that
I participated in I was facing my fear.

Then one night, whilst at the
movies, I felt God explicitly telling me that I had to leave that church; that
it was the beginning of a new season. Holy Spirit reminded me of a specific
scripture and I was so eager that I walked out of the movie – I had to get
home; I had to check that scripture. I felt lead to resign the very next Sunday
– the following day.

We had just done the first of
many international music conferences and I had the honor of being part of it. I
thought that the dream for worship and music that God had put in my heart was taking
off, but little did I know that I would not worship on another stage for years
to come. I had to search my heart: was it more important for me to stay on,
continue singing on a man-made stage and be heard by people, or was it more
important to obey the Lord and trust that, should He want to use that gift in
the future, He would provide me with the stage to do it for His purpose and His
glory? Was it more important to be seen by man or to please the Lord? And what
if I never sang in front of people ever again? Would I still love the Lord? My
dream had to go on the altar. I had to face
my fear.

Today, as a writer, I am
called yet again to face my fear.

More recently I’ve been
feeling a few things on my heart to write that I did not feel quite comfortable
with. I’ve caught myself feeling the fear of, “Oooh, I can’t say that! What if
I offend someone? What if they stop reading my blog? What if they don’t tap me
on the shoulder saying ‘good job!’?” I feel the Lord challenging me to decide
which is more important: what people think of me, or that they approve of me
because I massage their ears with what they want to hear, or do I say what God
wants me to say, thereby honouring and serving Him with my obedience, and trusting Him with the outcome?

I’m reminded of 2 Timothy 4:3,
…preach the Word of God urgently at all
times, whenever you get the chance, in season and out, when it is convenient
and when it is not. Correct and rebuke your people when they need it, encourage
them to do right, and all the time be feeding them patiently with God’s Word.
For there is going to come a time when people won’t listen to the truth, but
will go around looking for teachers who will tell them just what they want to
hear. They won’t listen to what the Bible says but will blithely follow their
own misguides ideas. Stand steady, and don’t be afraid of suffering for the
Lord. Bring others to Christ. Leave nothing undone that you ought to do.

Fear of man is a dangerous trap, but to trust in God means safety. (Proverbs
29:25)

God has given me writing as a
gift; He has given me something to say. He has gifted me for His purpose, not
my popularity. My gift is a tool in His hand. How then can I choose to be quiet
out of fear of what people will say or think? Yes, maybe some will read my work
and not like what I have to say – they might never read my work again – but if I
were to obey the Lord, then I trust that He
will make sure that it reaches the audience for whom He intended it.

If fearing man is a dangerous
trap, then I choose to trust in the Lord instead. Today I choose to face my fear, for I have been prepared
all along for a time such as this.

What is God telling you to do today, but you're afraid of what people will say or think? Will you choose to face your fear?