Here at the Secret Bunker we have bad news...Our plans for a full glorious technicolour edition of "The Many Shades" have had to be amended due to the problem of the fanzine drinking huge quantities from our colour ink well!

The deep ink well (CMY) below the Secret Bunker has run dry, leaving us only the black gold well (Torrey Canyon) to fall back on.This brings mixed blessings, as it does mean that your heroes, the Many Shades of Grey, can now be read about in - you guessed it - many shades of greyscale.We have managed to eke out the CMY well to provide us with 100 glorious technicolour copies, and the remaining 150 will therefore be in glorious shades of grey.We can now only urge our legion of fans to get there earlier than planned on Monday to collect their copy of the colour edition; we have alerted the Riot Squad, so behave yourselves in the mad dash for those first 100 copies. Once they are gone, they are gone.

I expect if you miss out you'll be able to pick one up off Ebay in due course, but as these are first editions, they will be on sale at huge expense.

We know that many of you will be bringing large amounts of cash to put into our bucket collection, which we appreciate and need, as it will help us to further explore the CMY deep ink well. But if you want to offer us more practical help, then we would welcome you dropping the odd (unopened) Canon Pixma 541XL (or for greyscale, 540XL) cartridge into the bucket to help us kick-start the next edition.

Update on the bucket collection from the Many Shades fanzine distribution - final total raised was £81.32. I haven't a clue how much I spent on ink (paper was £3.33, I know that!), but it drained three x colour and two x black cartridges, so if everyone is happy I'll take £60 to cover it ( ) and leave us £21.32 in the WF kitty towards future expenses. We have a few b&w copies left over, and I'll drop them in at the Westleigh after training on Thursday.

It was Sunday, it was Horndean College, it was high noon, and it was going to be emotional.

The Many Shades were there to play 6-a-side walking football along with the local rivals from Emsworth (calling themselves the “Seniors”) and from Hayling (who were the “Old Boys”). To complete the line-up, we had a team from Southampton (cunningly subtitled as “District Football Association”, to confuse us all).

The team from Southampton included several ladies, whose presence made absolutely no difference to either the standard of play or the impeccable behaviour displayed by the participants. These ladies were most definitely not a bunch of old biddies that had got chatting in the checkout at Primarni. Oh no, these ladies may have been over-50 (although we were so polite that nobody checked!) but they knew their way about a footy pitch all right to the extent that at least one of them had played for England. They also included the most massively huge male goalkeeper – so big he makes the Yeti look more like a Hobbit.

Unfortunately for both Emsworth and Hayling, their kit supplier had let them down, and their manager didn’t even turn up to watch. However this seemed to help them rather than hinder, and they played with a freedom that belied their ages.

The most bitterly contested match of the festival was saved up to the end, when the H&W Blues and H&W Pinks collided in a welter of blood and gore. It was decided by a rare moment of skill from Matt the Miss, who slotted home from a narrow angle for the only goal of the match. He had been deliberately left unmarked as his reputation meant that statistically it was better to use a player elsewhere on the pitch and let him have the freedom of that half of the pitch. Sometimes the odds, no matter how long, get beaten.

As the Pinks probed the resolute back five of the Blues, and Joe the Mighty, Robbie the Yeti, Steve the Film, Stewart the Voice, and even Mo the Polite rained shots in on inspired goalkeeper Clive the Nimble, so the Blues became more and more desperate to hang on to their lead. So much so that the Miss, clearly angling for a transfer to Eastleigh, hacked down the majestic Voice from behind as he strode forward yet again like Beckenbauer to set up another attack. The referee, the Special One drafted in to maintain control over this blood-bath, failed in his duty to send the Miss off, and so it was that the Blues hung on to a barely-deserved win. Man of the match had to be the Nimble.

The wounded were carried off to receive treatment in the bar at the Westleigh, where the other teams also tended their bruises with tincture of Doom Bar or Fosters, soaked up by bandages of buffet finger food.

The H&W Blues and Pinks, being impeccable hosts, generously allowed the guests to fill the first three places in the final league table. We didn’t want to put them off playing us again. For the record, it was won by the unbeaten Seniors, with the DFA runners-up. The Old Boys were third, leaving the Blues earning fourth ahead of the Pinks thanks to their incredible ability to park a bus in front of their goal.

Goalscorers for the Many Shades were few and far between, with Matt the Miss leading the way again with two more, taking his career tally to four, and increasing his record as all-time leading scorer for the Many Shades. Robbie the Yeti got another one, his second in our glorious colours, and Joe the Mighty also got off the mark.

A great time was had by all, the Blues led imperiously by Rob the Fit, ably backed up by his two goalkeepers Dave the Limpet (injured, but bravely carrying on for a while) and Clive the Nimble. With George the Safe calmly controlling midfield, and the ever-willing Derek the Wok patrolling the right flank, they formed a formidable barrier, supplemented by recent signing John the Hat and the ever-reliable Dave SBD on the left. Barrie the Booze was swaying along throughout, linking well with Matt the Miss completing the line-up.

Stewart the Voice’s Pinks played some very good football, but seemed to meet up with inspired goalkeeping and downright atrocious lapses of concentration all the way through. The Yeti was sin-binned for what seemed like about an hour, and in two of our games goalkeeper Tony the Wall was virtually a spectator as we battered the opposition. Joe the Mighty, Steve the Film, and Baz the Sober all weighed in up front, while Pete the Fast and Mo the Polite locked down the defensive duties.

Special mention must go to John the Nipper, who was carrying an injury, but turned up to volunteer to referee all the way through. He made his presence felt by a regular series of very sharp blasts on his whistle, like the Hogwarts Express gone mad. Big thanks also to Cathy the Wag for helping out by keeping all the scores, taking the money, and also with the buffet afterwards.

Fatbloke@football wrote:looks like matts been relived of the match report job I would sue for copyright infringement

Nah, he's gone all grown up on the OS organising stuff with them. He even does right grammer; and speling!!!! I have had a word with him about his lack of recent match reports and how his public want more. If he'd bothered to reply, he'd probably have said it's best to keep 'em wanting more. If his public have to read any more of my reports, there will be a groundswell demanding his return, which I look forward to.

Stunning transfer scoopThe Special One has been able to unveil a new signing of spectacular magnitude:

Fresh from starring in Emsworth Seniors' Many Shades of Grey Spring Festival-winning side last Sunday, we can announce the signing of left-sided defender Mike Blakey. Mike was so impressed by our set-up and overall playing style/philosophy when he saw it on Sunday that he rushed to join us at the first opportunity. We look forward to Mike making his competitive debut for H&W 50+ Walking Football Team against Brighton & Hove Albion in our match there on 13th May.

The fee remains undisclosed.

This only goes to add further credibility to our transfer policy, following Rob Kelly's signing of Clive the Nimble for the H&W Blues from the H&W Pinks last week, a signing that proved so costly to the H&W Pinks as Clive saved everything they blasted at his goal. The Pinks could take some comfort that the fee of two profiteroles and a vegetable samosa remains the world record for Walking Football.

“Two touch, or not two touch, that is the question.”(José Shakespeare, 2015)

Hants FA Meeting 7/5/15

RKelly and I attended this meeting in Basingrad this morning. According to the FA that counts as us attending today’s training session!

Review of Legends Cup day: we were all asked to feedback on the day, and most people seemed to have the same sort of concerns and compliments as we did for the way the day was run. Obvious issues were the delays between matches (we weren’t the only ones with a 1.5 hour delay), refereeing, lack of spectator facility, refereeing, running, refereeing, two-touch, and refereeing.

Rules: There remains debate to be had over the preference some teams have for two-touch and others who prefer three- or unlimited-touch. Most of the other rules seems to be pretty well agreed on, although there remains the opportunity for each tournament/festival to draw up its own rules (within limits), often due to the inconsistency of pitch layouts/markings or alternatively the teams’ own preferences. Generally it seems goalkeepers cannot pick up backpasses. Mixed gender games are still not officially sanctioned (quite where that left Soton DFA’s participation in the Legends Cup I don’t know), but mixed training sessions are encouraged. There will be a research project sent out to us to look at the impact of different formats of the game – they can then begin to collect data from matches played under different rules to see if there is any health benefit to one form over another. This means that we can continue to arrange our own festivals as unlimited-touch, along with other rules we find most comfortable for us. Additionally, on the subject of health, the FA have a defibrillator that must be available at all “official” tournaments; this is not necessary for friendlies, but a recognised first-aider should be available at those. I will write formally to South Downs College to request input from their Sports Therapy Students.

Hampshire League: I am not even going to attempt to explain how this is going to work. It is very complicated, but basically is dependent on regional groups (we come under Portsmouth) setting up official tournaments and inviting other Licensed Walking Football Clubs (from Hampshire) along. As I said, it is very complicated. If we enter it, Rob and I felt that we should pick a “competitive” side (effectively a First Team) to play in it, rather than an inclusive side as we have always picked up to now.

Age UK Older Men’s Wellbeing: We need two “Health Champions” to attend a briefing about various health issues for older men (but not women?), in return for which attendance the club will be given £16. (This is from Age UK, not Sky or BT Sport. Good to know that all that TV money is trickling down - not!) Those champions will then offer the rest of us advice about our diet, exercise, drinking, etc.. Rob said he’d go, and I suggested Barrie the Booze might … seriously, we need another volunteer.

Reward of Kit: We now have 10 red shirts (Nike, so the Special One won’t be happy), five green and five red training bibs (also Nike, so now the Special One will be getting really grumpy), and five bright yellow size 5 Nike footballs – now the Special One is as deflated as our new balls! There are some cones and a kit bag to follow, which we will be brought when we have our next FA Review.