The Dude’s Guide to the 2008 Olympics

When the Olympics was first created, you had to hang around at the arena till 4am just to catch your favorite wrestler get mauled by a lion.

That all changed in Germany in 1936 when the international gathering was first televised. For forty or so years, you had to stay up until 4am just to watch the broadcast of your favorite sport, which unfortunately no longer involved a wild cat. Then came VCR’s, a technology that was almost not worth the trouble of recording. In 1999 the world of sports was revolutionized with the launch of Tivo. And even though we no longer had the delight of watching peopl fighting large animals, we do have one reason to tune in: painfully fit babes.

This year’s Olympics have been surrounded by more political bitching than any one that I remember (except maybe AD 393– that was a CRAZY year). Is China the Evil Empire? Is doping going to ruin sports? Does anyone give a shit that Michael Phelps can swim really fast? Who is Michael Phelps? Honestly, we don’t know. But we are sure there are a events that are sure to bring The Tallent, so here’s a few suggestions for your viewing pleasure.

Synchronized Swimming

A lot of times, female competitive swimmers are built like…I dunno, really muscular triangles. But synchronized swimmers are a different story– much more svelte and easy on the eyes. Not only that, they have some kind of amazing moves that would score serious points at any hotub party.

Rhythmic Gymnastics

Man, Gymnastics is such a girls sport. Why would a dude want to EVER watch this. What’s that? They do what with their legs? Really? Holy shit. Yo, check this out.

Beach Volleyball

In 1991, the world was seeing a dwindling in ratings for the Games. They needed something to Sexy It Up. The International Olympic Committee sent a secret team of experts to Southern California to find a sport that took both hotness and skill to perform. What they found would later become one of the most watched sports in history. (It is worth noting that I made all of this up.)

Women’s Freestyle Wrestling

Ok. So a lot like weightlifting and American Gladiators, there is a sort of I’m-watching-it-like-a-train-wreck aspect to the sport. The women can be a little on the manish side. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth watching, particularly because of their athleticism and professionalism. Here’s a clip from the 2004 Athens Olympics gold metal match:

Field Hockey

I have an idea for a new sport: Its like soccer. But played by women. In short skirts. Who all have bats. And the ball is really small. I call it …."Field Hockey." I know, it sounds absurd. Sexily absurd.

Pole Vault (Track and Field)

Ho. Lee. Shit. Track and field is really hit and miss. But someone should hit you if you miss Yelena Isinbaeva hurling herself into the air, over a bar thingy, only to land on a giganitic bed. It’s magical.