December 19, 2016

Didn't overwhelming consumer outrage shoot this concept down a couple years ago? So where is the drum beat to allow airline passengers to make calls during flight coming from?

The Department of Transportation is accepting public comment on its new recommendation that in-flight calls made through the plane's Wi-Fi be allowed. What's new this time around is that permitting self-absorbed assholes to call all of their friends from the air would only be allowed if airlines tell all customers about the policy when they buy their tickets. That way, customers could make other travel arrangements if they feared sitting next to passengers that would be chatting for hours on their phones.

Other travel arrangements...like what? For many of us, flight is the only option. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be flying in the first place, given the cattle-car mentality that is so rampant in the American airline industry.

"Today's proposal will ensure that air travelers are not unwillingly exposed to voice calls, as many of them are troubled over the idea of passengers talking on cell phones in flight," said Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx.

Again, if "so many are troubled" by the idea, WTF is behind this new attempt to further anger already angry travelers?

It's bad enough that Air Law 14 is so flagrently ignored in the terminal...

Luckily, most of the domestic carriers are siding with their customers and saying that, even if in-flight phoning gets the green light, they won't allow it.

Consumers don't want it. Airlines don't want it. Air Law 17 already dealt with it. I guess the folks in the Department of Transportation have nothing better to do with their time. Thus, they are obviously over staffed or poorly managed, because there are a ton of transportation issues facing this country that are significantly more important...and more likely to succeed.

Air Law 21 is in response to the image above from ORD a week ago. Seats that are clearly designated for handicapped passengers (the red ones), occupied by four people who are not. A couple of seniors, clearly challenged in mobility, were looking for a spot to sit. None of these people moved.

The impossibly designed American Airlines staging area there results in able-bodied passengers being forced to sit in handicapped seats. But...you don't move when someone in their 80s shuffles forward?

The woman hiding her face, in the image above, absolutely refused to move because her phone conversation was far too important to be interrupted. The couple next to her was finally seated because a gate agent insisted that other people vacate their seats (good on her). Those against the wall were, despite sitting in red handicapped seats, also unwilling to move.

Damn, I hate people like that. So...from this point forward, anyone seeing this kind of ignorance is encouraged to call these clueless people out, embarrass them before their fellow passengers and smack them with the canes used by those deserving of those seats.

If Air Law Marshals are in the area, they are hereby authorized to grease those canes with lube and guide them up these assholes' self-absorbed butts.

September 17, 2014

Airliners are designed with some limited space underneath each seat. It ain't much...but backpacks, handbags, manbags and purses fit pretty perfectly.

So why do I see so many self-absorbed passengers stuff their small carry-on in the overhead bins...blocking passengers who are not allowed to board until Zone 6 from having any place to stow their larger carry-ons? Especially when they have been asked by ground personnel to place smaller items under the seat in front of them?

AIR LAW 20: Passengers shall place small carry-on items under the seat in front of them and not in the overhead bins. With the exception of those seated at the bulkhead (where such space does not exist), anyone found in violation of this Air Law shall have their carry-on item confiscated by Air Marshals and the contents split among the crew by using a rock-paper-scissors format. Empty backpacks will be forwarded to area social services agencies to be distributed to underprivileged school kids.

September 04, 2014

My friend Miriam was trapped in a middle seat last week...which in the greater world order isn't all that much of a discomfort, as she is a petite li'l thang.

But, it placed her in the unenviable position of being subjected to, in her words, "a guy who has yet to discover deodorant and a girl eating jalapeno chips."

I'm not sure how Air Laws can mandate personal hygiene (though we're taking that one under advisement). However, we can deal with the passengers that insist on stinking up the plane with gyros, tuna salad or any fast food...because, for the most part, we can see them bringing it onto the plane.

AIR LAW 19: Passengers bringing any food onto the plane that emits an odor discernible to fellow passengers will immediately be reseated next to the rear lavatory for the duration of the flight.

Hey, you don't care about your fellow passengers' feelings about the stank you are perpetrating? You get to sit in the shitty seats...and they get your seat next to the cool kids who aren't as self-absorbed as you. It's only fair.

September 03, 2014

Two sides to every story, potato-potatoe...everyone views the world a little differently. But, as with partisan politics, it's rarely gray. It's black. Or, it's white. Blue or Red.

Take for instance the writer of a story on traditional school start entitled "How the Tourism Industry Dictates when Kids in 14 States Go Back to School" that paints a dismal picture of those States that have returned to a post-Labor Day (or close) school start. That is, until the very last sentence where the writer concedes that Virginia, which mandates a traditional school start, has the third highest student test scores in the nation.

Had I been the headline writer, it would have read "36 States that Use the Fear of Low Test Scores as a Rationale to Start School in August are Clueless."

If you missed the story, a passenger wanted to recline her seat during a Newark to Denver flight. The guy behind her wanted to use his laptop. Those two concepts are, of course, mutually exclusive in steerage.

He employed a nifty little gadget called the "Knee Defender" that prevented her from reclining. She got up and threw a glass of soda on him (and his laptop). After a heated shouting match between the combatants and flight attendants, the pilots diverted to ORD where the two were escorted off the plane.

The writer of the AP story is either unaware of Air Law 1 and/or believes humans have a God-given right to recline. Because the writer clearly took her side, saying she had been denied her "bit of personal space."

Huh? How is that possible?

We all start with X amount of personal space with our seats and tray tables in their upright and locked position. The minute one person reclines, they take personal space away from the person behind them. There is simply no way this can be viewed as having any other outcome.

Unless you, like the writer and the hurler of soda, are sensationally self-absorbed.

September 02, 2014

Our friend Amir Eylon (Brand USA) witnessed an act of self-absorbtion on his recent flight to ESTO that was so utterly depraved that it screamed out for action (see here).

In a world in which this type of behavior has become all too commonplace, we are compelled to issue the following Air Law:

AIR LAW 18: No air traveler shall elevate their bare feet onto the bulkhead or above seat level for any reason during flight. Those found in violation of this Air Law shall be assigned seats next to the rear lavatory on their next ten flights.

Women travelers are exempt from Air Law 18 on a case by case basis because their feet generally don't stink...except when they do. Air Law Marshalls are instructed to utilize "thoughtful enforcement."

December 30, 2013

The other night, some friends asked what we hated most about the airlines. I think they were surprised when I said that, outside of United's employees' ongoing penchant for lying through their teeth to their customers at every possible opportunity, I have no real issue with the airlines.

It's the clueless and self-absorbed people I must share the skies with that makes air travel so distasteful.

Most of our Air Laws Series are in response to these souls that surely were raised by wolves.

Air Law 6 banned cowboy boots...because we've all had to wait for fellow travelers holding up the lines at TSA as they wrestle with their footwear. But, ever mindful to the evolving state of travel, we officially offer this vitally important update:

AIR LAW 6 UPDATED: Cowboy Boots are not allowed to be worn on any flight, as they cause back-ups during pre-flight screening...unless you are TSA Pre (because then, you can leave those smokin' cool boots on through security).