My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.... for now.

The author of this anecdote is unknown. If you are the author, please contact me to be given proper credit, or to request for it to be removed from this site.

A letter to our pets

Dear Dogs and Cats:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

I like my pets a lot better than most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

10 Reasons Why Dogs and Cats Are Better Than Kids:

They eat less

Don't ask for money all the time

Are easier to train

Usually come when called

Never drive your car

Don't hang out with drug-using friends

Don't smoke or drink

Don't wear your clothes

Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, AND

If they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

The author of this letter is unknown. If you are the author, please contact me to be given proper credit, or to request for your letter to be removed from this site.

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Are you dog crazy!

Just click the "play" button to begin.

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ...."COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Meet Coldwater!

If I Didn't Have Dogs...

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety. My house could
be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated. All flat surfaces,
clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair. When the
doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.

If I Didn't Have Dogs...

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading
through fuzzy bodies who beat me there. I could sit on the couch
and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how
much space several furry bodies would need to get comfortable.
I would have money.....and no guilt to go on a real vacation. I would
not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put
their yet unborn grand kids through college.

If I Didn't Have Dogs...

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit,
down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE. My house
would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or
barriers. My house would not look like a day care center,
toys everywhere. My pockets would not contain things
like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

If I Didn't Have Dogs...

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, F-R-I-S-B-E- E,
W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, B-I-K-E, G-O, R-I-D-E I would not have as
many leaves INSIDE my house as outside. I would not look strangely
at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.
I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading
'mud' season.

If I Didn't Have Dogs...

I would not have to answer the question 'Why do you have so many
animals?' from people who will never have the joy in their lives of
knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to
an angel as they will ever get.

How EMPTY my life would be!

The author of this anecdote is unknown. If you are the author, please contact me to be given proper credit, or to request for it to be removed from this site.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town in which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"

The author of this anecdote is unknown. If you are the author, please contact me to be given proper credit, or to request for it to be removed from this site.