John Birmingham: The sex column

By John Birmingham

UpdatedAugust 19, 2014 — 8.20amfirst published at 12.01am

Inspired by the example of Scottish freedom fighter and First Minister, Alex Salmond, and just a little bit worried by the latest polling support for ALP leader Annastacia Palaszczuk, Queensland Premier, the newer cuddlier MR STRONG CHOICES has joined Brisbane Times, standing in for Miss Citykat as our resident sex blogger. Today he answers your questions.

Dear Mr Strong Choices

My husband and I have always enjoyed a healthy sex life, but recently he's been terribly worried by the indefensible $500-a-day service charge which seems purpose designed to destroy the solar power industry in Queensland. He says he stills loves me but the physical side of our relationship has been ruined by your strange and inexplicable hostility to renewable energy.

Why, Mr Strong Choices? Why? Solar power is hot, powerful, strong and long-lasting. Why have you denied me this pleasure?

Yours,

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MY, New Farm

STRONG CHOICES HULK SMASH HUSBAND'S FLACCID WILLY ON HEAVY IRON ANVIL. SEE HOW HUSBAND LIKE THAT WHEN WILLY DOCTORS ALL SACKED FROM HOSPITALS BECAUSE STRONG CHOICES HULK SMASHED THEM TOO. GAH!!!

Dear Mr Strong Choices

I never though it would happen to me but I am finding myself drawn to the Leader of the Opposition. I don't really know her. She might be bad for me. And God knows the last time I hooked up with the ALP it did not end well. But Mr Strong Choices, I feel you don't respect me. I feel like you've never respected me, not once you got what you wanted.

Why, Mr Strong Choices? Why do always break your promises? You said electricity prices would go down, but you've imposed a $500 a day service on business who want to use solar power. Why, Mr Strong Choices? Why?

Yours,

JR, Ipswich.

AHAHAHAHAHA! STRONG CHOICES MAKE NO PROMISES. ONLY THREATS. ANNASTACIA ALPHABET NOT VIABLE ALTERNATE LOVE OBJECT FOR JR FROM IPSWICH. JR FROM IPSWICH LUCKY TO HAVE STRONG CHOICES. WHAT IS ALTERNATIVE? ANNASTACIA ALPHABET? HAHAHAHAHAHA. DON'T MAKE STRONG CHOICES LAUGH. YOU WOULD NOT LIKE STRONG CHOICES WHEN HE LAUGHS. GREEN SPIT FLY EVERYWHERE.

Dear Mr Strong Choices

Listen, about this $500 "service" charge on my credit card. We never agreed to that when we came to our 'arrangement'. I never even agreed to pay you $500. Not even once. Certainly not every day. Now you've maxed out my limit in less than a week. I knew I should never have gone with you. I just knew it. This so-called 'service charge' that is being levied on businesses across the state at the rate of $500 a day, just for using solar power, what service are you even providing, Mr Strong Choices? The "service" used to be $42 and it used to mean reading the bloody meter a couple of times a year.