October 28, 2010

"I am disappointed in you." Yeah...you'll have that!

I have recently disappointed someone. Okay I am sure it has happened more than once...probably a lot in my life but this person wrote about it on their Facebook page. I noticed that it was their birthday and I sent them a birthday greeting and wrote something like Happy Birthday old friend. They wrote quite a post saying how can you call me a friend? ... They had been sick and I wasn't there for them. All very true.

I did not know they were sick in the beginning but when I found out I was in the midst of my own nightmare with post traumatic stress. Any long time reader of this blog will know that I have not only been to 'hell and back"...I actually stayed there for quite awhile. And as I have found out the hard way ... it is quite impossible to reach out to support someone else when you are hanging on to the end of your rope with both hands.

I found my response to this person's post interesting. I found myself absolutely unwilling to apologize for disappointing them. Absolutely to my soul I had this feeling of not having to apologize for not meeting that expectation. My reaction is neither right or wrong. It is how I felt and still feel. And oh what a difference that is in me my dear friends.

I am a champion of "I don't want to disappoint you". Be mean to me...say things...do things...but you need my help. I will be there. Take advantage of me. I may not like it but in the past I will be there yet again when you call. An interesting pattern that started long ago I am sure. I have always been a peacemaker. Do anything to keep the peace. Helper girl...that has been me.

I grew up in a very loud household...like many of us did. I think part of that comes from that. Wanting less loudness in my life...in my professional life I have dealt with confrontation to the point of death threats several times. In my personal life I want peace. And I have not wanted to disappoint you.

But a very interesting thing has happened to me as I have stood back up from being quite flatten to the ground by my experiences with post traumatic stress and looked around at my life. I am more and more concerned every day with not disappointing myself. I want to have the life that I have been dreaming of...and I will have it. It is full of focus on me and the man I love. Not to the exclusion of others...but my point of focus is totally different. It has a home base that starts with me. I am "the before thought"..not "an afterthought" that I usually had no energy left for. Whoo-hoo...and the lights have finally come on! :) And I am embracing this new view like a cupcake! :)

It is going to be very different from the past. And there will be people who may say..I am disappointed in you because of blah, blah, blah...they will no doubt fill in the blanks. :) And my respond will be to smile and say..."yeah...you have that!"

There is something very freeing about letting your expectations be front and center. It's not about being selfish. It's about being completely clear about whose life you are living...yours or the vision people have for you. That we each have to decide on our own.

And I have made my choice and I am filled with joy to the moon and back over finally in my very long journey getting to this point in the road. It's getting closer to closing this book...and starting on the next one.