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I never want to have another love like ours again.

1:18 PM

I can now kind of understand the whole idea behind Avril Lavigne's Goodbye Lullaby album. There are no songs more apt to lull me to sleep lately. I've been insomniac for weeks, and her songs always get to me.

I told myself to keep my depression off the blog, but I guess parts of me have shattered and I no longer have an idea on where to start picking up the pieces. Yesterday was probably the worst I have ever been in the past 19 years of my life, and yet, it was also the day I finally believed that I was worth more than I told and made myself to be.

Best friends who will see you through your worst, they're really hard to come by. And in this time of trying and falling, I can never be more thankful for the people I have in my life. I'm sorry for scaring you guys shitless, making y'all have to drop every shit and go through hell just to get to me. I am so so sorry, and so grateful. I promise to be a better friend, but I'm sorry things have to turn out like this for me to realise. Thank you Ziman, Zhiyi, Kelvin and Brandon for always dealing with my bullshit, and being there for me through thick and thin. I really really love you guys.

I'm trying to find my answers and kick the bad habits. I know I'm a mess and I want to start picking things little by little but I don't even know where to start. I never wanted to start or bounce back to where I was before. To the friends I've troubled and hurt, I'm really sorry.

I've decided to recover, and that means trying to save myself, and making that conscious decision multiple times a day. This is a note to self to take things day by day, to try and make the best out of everything that I do have, and focus less on the things that have slipped past my fingers, too faint to materialise and too fine to hold.

"When I tried to forget you, I just keep on remembering what we had - it was so true - but somehow we lost everything."

But they say the hardest part is letting go. I let you go, but that doesn't mean I wanted to.

I found someone who made me realise home is not a place but a feeling, someone who taught me that time is not measured by a clock but moments, and someone who made me understand that heartbeats are not heard, but felt. There is no remedy for the memories we shared, and that is what's killing me the most.

But those who we truly love, we always will. And that will never change. I'll smile and promise me you won't ask questions.

"I try to fight it but I still believe that we were always meant to be. And I can never let you go."

Thank you for loving me. For seeing me through my best and my worst, for giving more than I ever did when nobody would love a broken soul like me who has the world sliced into her skin.

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About me

Mirabelle Kohphotography | design | writingmirabelle.koh@gmail.com

I write for the ink that lives in the back of my throat. I see art where lines and colours make visual stories. And if you stuck around, you'd figure I'm more than just a wild heart and fire breathing.