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Thursday, 22 April 2010

A friend of ours updated his facebook and twitter status', saying he's just picked up his son from the hospital. He doesn't have full custody of his son (loooong story there). I can only assume he was with his mother (and kinda hoping it -is that a bad thing?). He's trying to get more time to see his son.

We've found out why the son was at the hospital. He has burns to his face and upper torso. There is a picture, but because it's not my son, or my family, I'm not posting it. He has bandages on his face and wrapped around him. I can't imagine what the friend, his son, or the mother is going through.

Its one of my, and Andrew's, worst fears. It can happen to anyone... The little boy was burnt from a spilt cup of tea :(

They wont know for a few weeks how bad it is, but the friend is fuming (which is why I think it happened at the mothers. The friend doesn't drink tea!). The son is around 18mths old.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

I'm not interested in having a baby right now, as I'm only in the 1st semester of a 3 year Nursing degree. When I graduate, I'll be right then.

Andrew (the husband) is basically saying a flat out "NO" to a 2nd baby. Ever.

My friend at work, she's turning 20 this year, has told me that she's pregnant... around 22wks now. I got all excited for her. I don't want to live vicariously through her and I hope thats not the way I appeared.

Another friend has just announced on FB that she's expecting her 3rd child.

So why, if I know I'm not ready and I don't want to actively try for #2 until after uni, am I suddenly confronted with these feelings of jealousy?

As I was driving today, my attention was drawn to the dashboard (I know you're meant to look there anyway, but I was avoiding the "you have NO fuel left" light)... The odometer ticked over to 151200, it was kinda weird as you don't normally see 4 digits roll over like that. The constant one on your trip meter but, other than that....

Also, and this is going back to the above mentioned light... I drove from my house to uni yesterday with that light on. The previous owner said when the light comes on, you have about 40km before you need fuel. Uni and back is between 50-52, depending on which way I go. Then I drove about another 2km to a petrol station to get fuel so I could go and study at a friends, only about 10mins down the road.I put $10 in (around 7.5litres) and the needle didn't move. Infact, the light stayed on!

I really wanted to push it further, but I'd get roused at by Andrew and I'd be stuck in the dark on the side of the road somewhere... Rather not risk it. Be interesting to know just how much farther I could have gone tho :)

That light was still on today when I drove to uni and back again! Must put fuel in on payday!

Sunday, 11 April 2010

I don't know if it's proper ettiquitte to blog when angry but too bad.

I didn't pay $100 for sleeping bags to go camping this weekend with money I didn't have so you can stay up til 1:30am (at least), get so drunk that your not even going to feel the cold. I didn't. Swap my Sunday shift with someone for their Tuesday am shift so ewe could go camping this weekend and you're gonna get so wasted I'm not going to enjoy it.

Yes I understand that it's your uncle's 40th birthday party, but he's camping too... He'll be here in the morning.

I could have kept my Sunday shift and driven home now and got the good pay for working a Sunday, and not have the stress of working from 0630am tuesday til 1430, and have a lecture that starts at 1400 goes til 1600 and it takes half an hour to get. ALSO we have no baby sitter for Tuesday am... All so we could go camping...

The longer it takes you to come to bed the more angry I'm going to get... Haven't u learnt this yet?? ;-(

Friday, 9 April 2010

J is just growing up waaay to fast! Toilet training is going really well (but if you say toilet train, he think a train toilet!)this morning he's sitting on the floor with his tent around and says he's Spotty Wot! Random!Eating breakfast, I walk back into the kitchen and he says "it's a bright and sunny day,mummy!" aww yes it is :)

language is just going in leaps and bounds... Just want to cuddle him all day!

Oh! There's a very special man who made my day. After that last post, I felt a lot better getting it all out (I'm sure I forgot to say something, but doesn't matter now) and my husband comes home with a customers car (and the customer in it!) The customer lives around the corner and has an "organic farm". He grows flowers, bananas, avocados as well as other things... Anyway, he's given us 2 bunches of flowers, 4 lil pumpkins, 4 bananas and 2 ready to eat avocados. Oh it was so good of him! I can't thank either of them enough! (pls excuse the rest of the mess on the bench!)

Lately, I've been feeling so overwhelmed and depressed. I sit here and type, tears in my eyes trying not to cry. But I have no reason to cry. I don't understand.

I know there is so much going on at the moment.

I wonder if I'm cut out for all of this at once.

Uni seems to be getting more on top of me than I realise. There's a 15 min presentation (with 5 mins of question time) to prepare. 2 essays. 3 exams in 2weeks time, the presentation is in 3 weeks time. Not sure when the essays are due. And they're just the mid semester ones.

I miss my son everyday when he's at day care and I'm at home. I feel like the worst parent ever that he's 4 doors up at daycare. I feel like I should be able to everything while he's here. It's like "You're a hinderance right now, go away to this lady for 3 days a week" or "It's to hard to be a parent. Go to daycare so I can parent part-time". I know it benefits both of us. He gets social skills and does things that we dont do at home. I get my uni work done, and clean the house. No me time, just homework and housework.

Then they both come home and the I don't want to work on my uni stuff any more. I want to DO things with them. The husband has been at work all day, I can understand he needs to have a break, but then he's on the couch, or in the pantry/fridge, doesn't want to go anywhere or help with anything.

The house becomes an instant mess, and even more so after dinner. Dishes just get left on the table, or chucked into the sink for me to do. It doesn't set a good example for our son. The loungeroom floor becomes the biggest car track and toys are strewn everywhere. J is toilet training, but when he calls out he needs to go to the toilet, I'm the only one that hears him but the husband wont get up off the couch and says he didn't hear him.

SPEND TIME WITH US! HELP ME OUT!

Before we went camping on Sunday, I had asked if he could stack and unstack the dishwasher. He unstacked it. Left all the dirty dishes in the sink. Really. Use your brain. I tried to tidy before we left, but then there was an arguement over something. I'm over it.

Sometimes I think... If I wanted to do it all myself, I may as well move out coz I do it all myself anyway. Somedays it feels like he just lives here. I know its not. It just feels that way (and a big thankyou to my uni friend for her words, you know who you are )

Then my depression goes deeper. I was so horrible to my mum when I was a teenager, probably when she needed me the most. She has said, years ago, that she's forgiven me, but will never forget. I feel so horrible. I can never take back what I did and never get back what I could have had.

The presentation at uni is on divorce and the socio-economic, environmental and psycho-social contributions and how as a nurse you can help. Looking for a you-tube video on that was so depressing. All these videos on how divorce hurts children. Its sad and it's not helping my mental state.

I don't blame either parent for the divorce. To be honest, I don't want to know the inner workings of what happened. Mum did try to mention something a few months ago. I just don't want to know. That sounds horrible, and mum probably just wants to be able to discuss it, I don't think I'm ready

Right now, I just need a hug from my baby or my husband [or my mum :)] but they're all at work and will think it's all just silly business.

I'm off to wash my face and get back into the assignments, and pretend like I'm the happy person I appear to be. :)