You might not like what I have to say here, but this is MY forum to speak my mind. If you're going to hold it against me, maybe you shouldn't be here.

Monday, September 12, 2005

An update of sorts

Well, Nick and I actually talked, like, had a real conversation, not just text messages. He mentioned coming to visit me. I am not sure what to think about that. I know a few weeks ago I said he was "the one", but I think I was just really lonely. Not that I am any LESS lonely now...crap, I don't know. I have a feeling he just wants to see me for one reason, sex. A couple of months ago I would have been all for it, but I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that if I were to do that I would be disrespecting myself. And if I don't respect myself, how the hell can I expect anyone else to respect me?The last week has been ridiculous. I didn't get to do anything fun to blow off steam this past weekend because I worked 23 hours between Saturday and Sunday (so much for the M-F 8:30-5 job) and the work I was doing was mind-numping and tedious so I had WAY too much time to think. Nicole+deep thoughts=TROUBLE.Moving on. I had a conversation with someone over the weekend and actually admitted (out loud) that my self esteem is in the shitter. I used to be very self confident, but in the last few years I managed to lose it. Why is that? I don't know.In addition to the Nick dilemma, there's Brian. Stable, fire fighter, cute, cowboy, trains horses Brian. Unfortunately, it seems Brian only has one thing on his mind, too. What the hell is up with that?I didn't sleep worth a flip last night, even though I took a vicodin because I was cramping so bad. It's 3:53 and while I got a lot of stuff done in the first part of the day, I've accomplished nothing in the last 2 hours. Guess I am just going to head home and give Chelsea the Dog some much deserved attention. I swear she knows when it's the weekend and when I am supposed to stay home with her. When I got up to get ready Saturday and Sunday she was ESPECIALLY pouty, I mean, she pouts everyday, but she was just pathetic.Ciao for now.