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I never really know how to start off these types of posts.. But, here it goes. Lol.

for the past maybe, two or three years (Some may even argue since my mom passed.) I’ve struggled with anxiety. I don’t really like to talk about it but, I found an old journal entry that I wrote and I really wanted to share it here:

For the longest time I went back and forth about when I would allow myself to begin my film career. That I would do A,B, & C first, THEN I would come back to it. That I would allow myself to build a name doing something else and then turn back around to film and directing later. (Build a name doing what? I know. lol.) Over the past year a series of things began to happen to me which ultimately began to make me work on myself and the script on what I plan to be my first feature film. TwentySomething is a film loosely based on these experiences. Moving From Los Angeles to Houston, then Houston back home to Flint. Being depressed, trying to find a purpose, and not wanting to just… exist. I always wanted to feel as if I was chasing something bigger than myself and the idea of working just a regular nine to five then just dying horrified me.

TwentySomething is a story of a female named Jade, who returns home after going for broke in New York City. Her relationship with her family is now weird, her city is different than she remembered, and her grandmother has now passed away. Through out the movie (or script) you see her struggle with accepting the fact that she is back home, not wanting to be there but not knowing how it is that she will “Make it back out.” There are characters and perspectives that anybody from a small city can relate to, not just Flint, and yes the Water Crisis is mentioned. I gave it a background role to show how when the crisis started that people lives did not just stop, they had to continue living.

The script is now available on Amazon, Createspace, and Amazon Kindle. It’s four dollars. I hope that if you found the time to read this that it piques your interest enough to purchase the script and tell me what you think. Thank you.

Sometimes I really hate being a black woman, especially when I think about the overall representation of us.

Desperate. Spiteful. Petty. Weak. Selfish.

Black Women who uplift each other are RARE. Yes we should look at the man who portray us this way with side eyes but we should also look at the women who perpetuate the perception of us. After all, they are not pulling these descriptions out of thin air.

Why is it that a black woman is more likely to help a black man get on other than a black female? (The terms of “On” can be defined later lol.) And a black man is more likely to put a white man on other than anyone black. (Again, more on that later.)

I have reached out to so many black women in my field for advice and only two have ever reached back out to me. Why? Why is it predesigned for us to be petty and caddy towards each other? is it basketball wives and love & hip hop? Was it the way we were raised? Is it fear that the person we help out will become more successful than us? I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Females will beef with a girl over a guy that was playing the both of them, then forgive the guy and hate the female forever. Baby mama drama, ratchetry, bitches & hoes, all things that are just natural when it comes to us but I feel like no one ever examines why or even attempts to put forth the effort to implement a change to it.

Natural girls judge the girls that perm their hair, girls that perm their hair turn their nose up to the women that don’t but we’re both black and police will still shoot your son or brother dead in the street and not give a f*ck whether your hair is straightened or not.

These terms we use to separate ourselves from one another “Weird” “I’m different” “I’m mixed” Getting piercings and tattoos etc, but we are still all black women.

Smh. It’s so ingrained in us that I doubt it’ll ever change in my life time and I’m only 23. ✌️

Saw that quote on twitter a while back and it always stuck with me. Felt like it was the PERFECT way to start this post/rant off with.

Ok, for those of you who did not watch the Grammy’s last night, Beck won Album of the year and as he went to accept his award Kanye walks up to the stage as if he’s going to reenact his VMAs stunt. Which he did not do, but after the Awards, he had this to say

“I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain’t gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyoncé.

“Because when you keep on diminishing art and not respecting the craft and smacking people in their face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you’re disrespectful to inspiration,” West continued. “And we as musicians have to inspire people who go to work every day, and they listen to that Beyoncé album and they feel like it takes them to another place.”

He continued,

“Then they do this whole promotional event, they’ll run the music over somebody’s speech, the artist, because they want commercial advertising. Like, no, we not playing with them no more. By the way, I got my wife, my daughter and my clothing line, so I’m not going to do nothing to put my daughter at risk but I am here to fight for creativity. That’s the reason why I didn’t say anything tonight. But you all know what it meant when ‘Ye walks on the stage.”

Google’s your bestfriend if you want to read the full rant and although I don’t agree 100% but I fully understand where Kanye West is coming from. Especially with lines like “Diminishing the art” But understand, Beyonce won Grammys last night so it’s not like she left empty handed, and this rant is more of a “Where did Black Culture go?” Rant and not a “Beyonce should’ve won Album of the year” rant, all of that is Politics as usual although if it was based on stats, what she did last year was pretty amazing, but I digress.

1. Majority of the “Black” awards this year were given out during the preshow, damn near to the point where I was asking myself if I should even watch the Grammys knowing that all of the categories I cared about had already been announced, and yea I know the Grammys are about more than rap, there is more than one genre of music in the world, blah blah blah. politically correct, politically correct. lol. So this is strike one, in my opinion.

2. Then, having an artist’s acceptance speech get cut off by music really is tacky. You get under a minute to accept an award that you worked your whole life to win. So yes, I also feel Ye on that, and again yes, I know that Grammy speeches can’t run on and on but 45 seconds to accept such an “Honor” just isn’t enough.

3. What happened to Black Grammy moments? Remember those? Like T.I. Lil Wayne, and Jay z performing swagger like us? Performances that you watched and actually went “Oh this is dope, they going in.” And again YES we did have Common and John Legend with the Choir closing the show but was it REALLY memorable? (Not a diss, Not a diss.)

4. Have you heard Beck’s album? Was it genuinely better than Beyonce’s? I haven’t heard it, therefore I cannot form a proper opinion on it.

5. People with real opinions are the last of a dying breed. Not saying that people should start storming stages left and right, but how often do we really witness someone go in for what they believe in? Nowadays, people just go with what they are told so I applaud him for still being willing to risk it all and say what it is he feels.

6. Does the Award make the artist? Does the Artist make the award? Or do the people make the award? I’ll explain later…

Decided to post this to my blog just because we are less than ten days into the new year and figured that it might inspire someone randomly. Including myself. I swear I promise to blog more this year, I will make time for it I swear. Including another post tonight.

Who’d a thought that my first blog post in months would be inspired by a random instagram pic?

I don’t know why but this picture makes me think about so much and I don’t even know where the quote originates from, but I guess that’s neither here nor there.. My interpretation: We all have guns to our heads trying to talk each other out of pulling the trigger. I think we lie to ourselves to try and convince us that life gets better, but I have yet to become fully convinced. We just learn to cope. We’re put in these situations and the only “Band aid” people can put on it is “It’ll make you a better person.” Or “To whom much is given much is required.” And then they’ll leave you to your tears in an empty bedroom, and maybe it’s not their fault, maybe they just can’t relate. They can’t relate. I think the hardest part of “Growing Up” is realizing that 80% of the time people won’t relate to your problems nor will they care to or want to and at the end of the day I am not entitled for them to. I’ve spent the last five years of my life trying to figure it out. I don’t think I’ve been successful at figuring 1/8th of it out. I don’t even know what it is.. if it’s a feeling, or if it’s a physical thing.. I just know that it’s something. I’ve been having this empty feeling lately, I zone out in conversations, find myself in deep thought while watching tv, and I haven’t really been trying to be around people. No offense to them, all offense to me. It’s just that I get tired of trying to explain myself. I don’t wanna explain myself. And because I have finally learned that there are two types of people in the world.. people that talk.. and people that are talked about. I have come to the conclusion that as much as I hate it.. I’d much rather be talked about then handing out infamy, and maybe that’s another reason why I don’t like being around people, I’m just becoming so untrusting, like a paranoia is being built up, “What does this person say about me when I’m not around?” Should I even be hanging with people if I have to think that way about them? I could do a whole ‘nother blog post about that. I have to end this on some type of high note… I’ll edit that in when I find it. Lol. Part two soon? (Just don’t wanna get too long winded.)