No Coast Bias

When I think of Slim Thug, Man of Reason, I think of a logical, intelligent, coldly-rationalizing, analytic guy. I also think he’s a dude that probably finished last place in every spelling bee he ever entered and once posed in a pinstripe suit while pointing a gun at anyone who was willing to shell out the 13.95 to buy his album at Safeway.

But what I’m really starting to notice about Slim Thug, Man of Reason, is that he’s into basketball. And more particularly. . .he’s into free agency. Specifically the athlete formerly known as Dwight Howard. While the Los Angeles Lakers have thrown themselves at Dwight with all the aplomb of a slobberingly drunk sorority girl hearing “last call” at her social committee mixer, plastering their city with hash-tagged pleas to stay, the Boss Hogg (*Author’s note: with two G’s, of course) has decided to go all Gangsta Mr. Spock on Dwight and use logic.

That’s Slim Thug, Man of Reason, cutting right to the core of our basic human needs. He knows, probably through an advanced understanding of human psychology coupled with a keen intellectual prowess, that the first thing people sit down and Google when they’re thinking of moving is “How much does a bottle of rose cost in a club in _______.” He’s just taking the legwork out of it for Dwight. A wise move since we know how much Dwight hates moving his feet.

But Slim Thug, Man of Reason wasn’t done just yet. No. He had a few more lead weights to toss on the scale in an effort to tip that bad boy towards Houston.

They don’t have a state tax or commas in Houston. That’s a good thing. He did capitalize the “B” in “Bad bitches”, though, so that should probably convince Dwight that it’s the good kind of bad. It’s a good thing there are Capital Bs in Houston, too, because Dwight’s coming from one of the ugliest cities in America, Los Angeles, and he’s probably looking for someplace that has a good shopping mall and pretty girls.

Slim Thug, Man of Reason, wasn’t about to stop there, though. He still had a clip full of 140-character wisdom to point at us while wearing a pinstripe suit and shoot all over the internet.

Kaboom! Slim Thug’s pulling out the big gunz (*Author’s note: at least I’m pretty sure that’s how he’d like me to spell it). He even dropped in three question marks just to make sure Dwight knew that wasn’t a rhetorical question. If there’s one thing we know about LA? It’s that they probably have a pretty weak stripping game. Also, I’m shocked that V-Live (*Author’s note: I really don’t want to know what the “V” stands for) doesn’t have its own Twitter account. Step your social media game up, seedy strip club in Houston.

But the Boss Hogg isn’t done helping Dwight out yet. Slim Thug, Man of Reason, wants Dwight to know that he’ll have all his bases covered if he comes to H-Town.

Dwight’s probably so excited to have someone willing to give him an assist after a season with Kobe that he was ready to sign the deal 20 seconds after reading this. Also, I believe it was Confucius that said, “Make your next move your best move, G.” Wasn’t it?

But Slim Thug’s Twitter-pitch hadn’t finished just yet. He was holding one final trump card that he digitally slapped on the table like it was the winning hand at the final table of the World Series of Poker and his opponent had just gone all in.

They should’ve gotten this made into a giant banner and hung it on the side of the Toyota Center with “#20%” written on it and a big picture of Howard’s baby mama. He would’ve inked his name on the dotted line faster than Aaron Hernandez to a plea bargain.

He also made sure that Dwight knew this wasn’t a one-night Twitter-fling. He was in it for the long haul. Advice, hoes, baby mamas and text-driving. Slim Thug, Man of Reason is here for you Dwight. See?

Thankfully Bun B, Safety Advocate was here to make sure that Dwight when he was crossing a line.

In short: Adios, L.A. Dwight’s going to the promised land of Houston, thanks to the cold, hard, misspelled logic of one Slim Thug, Man of Reason.

(*Author’s note: special thanks to my friend, Grahm, for pointing out that this glorious interaction was happening on Twitter.)