Friday, March 19, 2004

With mindfulness practice, you learn to see how the untrained mind is agitated by the human condition and how not to allow this general anxiety to fuel your fear in a specific situation. You also gain tolerance for the unpleasantness of uncertainty and also the naturalness of your own imperfection. You have confidence that "life is like this." You cannot and are not supposed to miraculously fix it; rather, you gain the insight that happiness and peace come from relating to life just as it is.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Now I remember what it was that I wanted to write.

The maverick

She emailed the whole staff as well as the management and the big head her true and uncensored and unabridged opinion about the system and about someone in particular. Where others talked about it in hushed tones or complained in the safety of their own circle, she said all - straight from her heart. Some may say it's damn rude, some may think she's asking for trouble, some may feel she's couragous, and some may think she's crazy. Whatever it is, did it achieve the desired effect? Would it be another of those things where when something bad happened to the cat, you sweep it under the carpet and spray the room with nice scent and serve tea to stiff-lipped aunties? Honestly speaking, I thought her email would have been rather vague if she had not explained to me what she was getting at. She explained to me before I read it so it was quite clear when I thought of what she said. It didn't really affect me, but it was rather interesting to read. The intrigues and politics which happened all around you. The invisible currents which tugged at you, pulled your hair and whispered gloom and dipped unhappiness. I'm really not sure if it has the effect she wanted though. There are some who spoke up to support her yet the important people remained silent, their cheeks turned the other way, halos showing. The top privately emailed her, cautious and diplomatic yet meaningless. There was one who spoke up too which I'm not sure if she would have liked that since I doubted she supported his ways in the first place. Ahh, the irony of it all. It's quite amusing actually. In this society, why bother?

I do not have any opinion, I neither support what she has done nor condemn it. I am not interested in the politics of a small narrow-minded culture. Just do one's best in whatever one has to do. Be it so if one's work is never appreciated or condemned. Be it so if one's best is not the best in another person's eye. Let it go, it really doesn't matter when one is gone. I can't find any feelings for the whole affaire. I simply feel like an on-looker. I've complained too, felt frustrated over things and yelled at the top of my voice. Lanced it out of your system and let the peace in back to you.

I want to write this about my dearest for a long time. Perhaps someday he may read this, and he'll know how much he means to me. If not, I just want to put it down so that I can read and remind myself how much he means to me. :) Especially when I'm angry with him. *heh* He is not perfect, of course ... but he doesn't have to be. Sometimes he drives me nuts with his F9 topo skills, yet most of the time he is my pillar of strength. I think the most wonderful part of him is that he believes in me and loves me. And I can always be my true self in front of him.

When the dragon breathes fire and snorts smokes from her nostrils, the cat hides and stays away until the rainbow comes out. Then when the dragon calms down and feels guilty, the brave oxen gives a hug and looks wise. When the wombat is gloomy and it rains everyday, the cat gives a big goofy smile and chases the dark clouds away. Sometimes, the cat has claws and becomes a lion, oh hear the lion growl, and the little wombat bellys up and shudders but knows that the lion is still a cat at heart.

I think I'm the luckiest person in the whole wide world. Have I already said that? :) He doesn't push me away when I show off my terrible temper in its full colours and glory, and he doesn't get judgemental or critical when he knows I know I have done something or said something not very nice. He is tolerant of my faults and habits. Although he does get grouchy sometimes, he is willing to be cheered up. The best part is that we enjoy doing lots of fun things together, from intimate stuffs *ahem* ;) ... to playing computer games, playing chess and scrabble, blading together, driving in our car together, reading, studying, working .... everything! And to make things even more exciting, there's always a healthy and funny (as in haha) competition going on. Like when we are playing against each other, we'll try to beat each other flat with cheats and swindles and distractions, or when we are playing together against other opponents, there are still cheats, swindles and distractions. LOL. He doesn't have to be around with me all the time to make me secure, as long as I know he loves me, I am whole.

Now I've forgotten what else I wanted to write about tonight. My friend called me just now and interrupted my thoughts. Gosh, this friend of mine .... she mumbles into the phone and her voice trails off into the air to be swallowed by the deep eddy. I press the phone tight into my ear to catch the wisp of her voice by the tail, trying to shake out the vowels and consonants to catch its meaning before it slips away into the night. Erm ... what was I saying? Oh yeah ... this friend of mine. She laughs suddenly sometimes or smiles for no reason in the middle of a conversation. Her eyes are unfocused and you see your words going right through her head and out from the other ear. It's so exasperating sometimes and 'airhead' really suits her. Mind you, not that she's stupid or what, she's very intelligent and although one feels like strangling her and screaming down her throat, she's still a wonderful person. You wonder about her. *grins* ... no truely, I like her when I'm not feeling murderous. :)

Really messy. To think someone you knew did an overnight chameleon act on you. Can you trust the person any longer? What was he thinking of? Was there really an excuse to do something like that? My friend's divorce upset her very much. I felt quite surprised when I knew the real reason. I met him for gatherings and dinners and he seemed very much close to her. Yet, *shrug*. I'm just glad that she is stong and has decided to move on, to think of it as a silver lining in the cloud. A friend said, "Poor ~, the guy doesn't know how to treasure good thing." I'm not sure I'd agree with that, but he was certainly wrong to do what he did. Now, everything you once shared must be split in between, or destroyed, or given away. It's really sad. Or was it really sad? I always thought that they were too different, and she's so full of life and zest, and keen to improve herself and go work in the UN. Oh well .....

There are so many things I want to write about but they are all in my thoughts. I think about them, and they float away in the wind. I should capture them down and carve them on wood or electronic whatever. Yes, I really should. ;)

Where shall I start? Lots of things happened since I last wrote. I went to the National Individuals Schools Chess Championships today and felt like I've stepped into my history. I was that age too, when I was so excited and nervous. So eager to start the game, yet filled with butterfiles in the stomach. Mind filled with all the possible combinations yet fingers cold with dread worrying which move I should take. Now, I felt like looking out through the eyes of a ghost, drifting along in the babble, walking through the running kids and floating along the hushed hall. I felt calm, and I looked at the games without excitment. All these are over for me. I certainly can't play in tournaments anymore, though the idea of joining the National Women's flirted at the edge of my mind. It would be nice to take up the gauntlet, be alive and breathing (and sweating). To live with fear and insanity at the edge for one wrong move leads to a downfall. Do I have the courage? My sensibilities stepped in and woke me up from my muse. Naahh ... I'm too old and it's bloody too stressful, huh. Still, perhaps one day when I've time to practise, ... perhaps, perhaps .....