Office drone by day, Roller Derby announcer by night. I tell the truth when I'm too lazy to make things up.

Marmalade, just like Bust’er used to make it

I can things, with varying success. I made marmalade a while ago, and while it turned out great, the process was, ahem, arduous. Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

Marmalade, just like Bust’er used to make it

Buy oranges on a whim. A lot of them.

Wash the oranges. And a few lemons.

Get out the sugar you bought in the fall for just such an occasion.

Google that recipe you used last year when you made marmalade. It turned out pretty well.

Start to weigh your fruit.

Look at your bag of sugar.

Doubt your ability to convert metric to imperial.

Google it.

Confirm your suspicions. You have way more oranges than required sugar.

Do some hard math to maximize output based on available sugar.

Pick the prettiest oranges out of the bowl until the scale matches that number you scrawled on the side of an envelope.

Slice your fruit. Remember last year when you promised yourself a mandolin. Do you own an mandolin. No. Keep slicing.

Boil the fruit and prep the jars. This is the boring part. Maybe you should do squats or something. Do squats. Remember how much your knee hurts. Switch to push ups.

Well that got old quick. How about some sit ups. Hey now, don’t just sit down and watch tv. That wasn’t the plan.

Stir the fruit and do more push ups. {repeat}

Start to get your canning supplies in order. Where is the funnel. Look at all the crap in this cupboard. Toss, move, move, toss…wait, what were you looking for again? Right the funnel. See it in the cupboard across the room.

Finally, add the sugar. Shit it still needs to cook for another 20 min. Continue to do sit ups, and push ups, and stir the mix and try not to just veg out in front of the tv and forget the whole exercise.

Remember that you own a candy thermometer now. Use it. Don’t trust it. Test the marmalade’s doneness far too often. Why didn’t you just trust the thermometer?

Wonder why this part takes so long.

Seriously, maybe the thermometer doesn’t work well.

Set a timer for 7 minutes. It couldn’t possibly take more than another 7 minutes.

Decide that it must be done.

Carefully, I repeat, CAREFULLY ladle the marmalade into the jars, using the funnel you found in that cupboard it didn’t belong in, secure the lids and process in a pot of boiling water. Is anyone else warm now, or is it just me?

Remove the jars from the pot and leave them to cool on the counter overnight.

Spend the next 2 hours being startled every time a lid pops as it cools.