Tag: inspiration

It’s been a while, I know. But between buckling down to study for an online course I’m taking with IIN – the Institute for Integrative Nutrition – helping my mom out after a surgery, getting away for my fabulous, long-awaited for vacation, and traveling for work in between… Whew! It’s been a hectic eight weeks.

Some days flowed effortlessly. Others started out the worst days EVER (First World problems). Yet, every time I thought I saw a negative, I held fast to my old belief that “everything happens for a reason.” I simply had to find out that reason and look for the signs to turn in a better direction, and invite that redirect to occur. Fast.

I went from being on the verge of failure for non-participation to taking a proactive stance in my career future and being told I’m a natural at coaching others toward good health and wellness. When I sort of declared my unrequited love for someone and had it go unreturned, I didn’t look at it as rejection. I saw it as the impetus I needed to get my head out of the fantastical clouds and realize my true worth that someone, someday will truly appreciate, while allowing myself the freedom to finally invoke that perfect partner to come into my life and (re)connect with my heart. And then, as I was denied board on a flight through fatigue and neglect, blaming myself for missing a special opportunity to hear a treasured music play… one for which I’d pre-paid… the artist wrote to suggest I attend a personal sound healing with him, instead; an experience I’d wished for but previously thought impossible. Moments later, like fairy dust sprinkled on a dream, an appointment was scheduled at the magical hour of 2:22 pm, and I walked on air.

If there’s a moral to the story, it’s that we cannot always control what happens in our lives, but we have absolute control over how we react to those circumstances. What seems like the worst thing in the world one moment can free you up to receive the most amazing gift in the next. Just let go. Let go and acknowledge that there is a divine plan, and there are plans within plans of which we have no idea, but be open to the truth that Spirit/God/Allah/Yahweh/Source only wants you to be happy. Let go and create a space for that happy-ness to squeeze its way inside and light up your whole world. And since Light is Information, you will receive that inner message, that wonderful opportunity, or that amazing prize you truly deserve.

Why is it that the darkest nights of our existence seem to surround the loss of a cherished loved one?

War is filled with unimaginable horror. Financial ruin is laced with despair. Famine. Homelessness. Our Human condition is rife with struggle and difficulty.

But take any of the above and replace it with the sudden departure of someone you love deeply – a partner, a child – and life becomes hopeless. Whether it’s through death or indifference, each passing moment feels like an eternity where an endless dialog loops through your mind: Why? How could this happen? How do I move on?

Are we nothing without this connection? Heart to heart. Soul to soul… Amor vingit omnia. Love conquers all.

Love conquers. Love does not destroy.

My darkest nights began not when my body was broken by a car “accident” or when issues stemming from strained relationships with both my mother and my father seemed to choke me. I survived financial bankruptcy, multiple jobs and home relocations, and adjusted accordingly. No. The dark nights began when I “accidentally” discovered the love of my life might be gay.

I was in love. The kind of love that made angels fly and birds sing when he walked near. The kind that made my heart skip a beat and had me call a friend to declare, “I’m done looking!” after we first spoke. This was the man I wanted to settled down with, build a life and have children with. Just like Jerry McGuire declared, “He completed me.” He made me laugh. He was sympathetic when I cried. And we told each other everything, or so I thought.

“M” and I met on the 07:39 train to Stamford, CT on the Metro North from Harlem in New York. Every weekday morning, we’d show up to ride in the same car, hoping to get seats, but often standing next to each other at the door. Once in Stamford, it was ritual to wait in line for our coffees at Dunkin Donuts in the Stamford station. My work days were much longer, so I began to look forward to the morning commutes whenever this ray of sunshine appeared on the platform. He vanished after a month of nothing more than eye contact and I kicked myself for not at least saying “Hello.” Eventually, I began to forget about him, but the commutes felt empty.

Then one day, this Adonis reappeared, all smiles, and gave me an awkward “Hey” as he left the coffee line on his way to the office. The next morning, M asked me out to lunch but, because of my grueling schedule, the lunch date moved to drinks on Friday. Drinks turned into dinner. Dinner turned into a long weekend and the deal was sealed. We were both hooked, or so I thought.

Fast forward to Dublin, Ireland.

Due to M’s Stamford boss being unable to extend a work visa to my Dutch boyfriend, and us not quite being ready for marriage, M took a sweet job with Google (Google!) and Google took him to Dublin. For the sake of Love and my desire to make the relationship work at all costs, I quit my executive assistant job in Connecticut and returned full-time to work with the airline, becoming a transatlantic commuter instead of one on a simple train, waiting for the day we would finally marry.

A few months in to our Dublin life, I flew in one morning and was greeted with nothing more than a sleepy hug. After breakfast at our favorite spot, M went to work and I went home to use the computer. Our bid requests were due at the airline and I often used his desktop computer rather than drag my laptop from New York. As I typed in “Jetnet.aa…” the Windows history automatically kicked in and the address line read “homo.nl/christian/brandon/…” You name it. On and on. Name after name. Line after line. Boy names. My breath absolutely left me.

In hindsight, I could say that our troubles began long before Dublin, when we shifted from that honeymoon phase to one where M had a headache… or it was a “school” night… the big presentation the next day made him nervous… or he was just plain tired. Days without intimacy turned into weeks. And when there was intimacy, what once felt deeply connected became mechanical and emotionless. Once, at the suggestion he get checked out by a doctor, he was found to be fine.

“Do you like having sex?” I worked up the nerve to ask him one day, walking down West 86th St.

If you think you know where I’m going with this, you’d be right. I asked but there was still an excuse for everything and he assured me all would come to pass. But things didn’t pass. Not in New York, and certainly not in Dublin. I questioned everything I ever knew about myself, about our relationship. The irony of it was that M was me, ten years earlier (there’s another blog post for you) and I still had not seen the signs or ignored them altogether. What did this say about my own character and the ability to judge what was best for me? Did he plant this for me to see rather than break up with me? Was there something I could have done better or different? How could I have been so wrong?

I sat on it stewed all day, waiting for him to come home from work in the evening when I confronted him. To say it ended badly and I was devastated is an understatement. I had never even told M that I loved him until that night. We’d never exchanged the words because he told me Love didn’t need to be expressed in words. It should be shown in deeds and I believed him. I trusted him. Now, the possibility of Love seemed unobtainable and although he confessed he never acted upon his thoughts of homosexuality, he could be making the greatest mistake of his life by letting me go. We talked and talked about things we should have said months earlier with no resolution. Heartbroken and knowing it was a decision he could only make for himself, I went out into the night and walked the cold, rainy streets of Dublin for hours, unable to go home, unable to seek shelter and face the hundreds of revelers in the crowded pubs on Friday night. My phone rang and rang. It was M, worried, but I couldn’t pick up. A homeless street punk hurled some choice bigoted words at me. I swerved and raised my fist to punch him, then shouted at him like I’d never shouted before, everything coming out of me at once. He cowered and apologized and still, I walked until I was empty of emotion. A cabbie stopped and offered to take me home to get me out of the weather. I felt like a drowned rat but I was frozen inside. Hours passed before I resigned myself to go back to the flat where I collapsed, unable to speak to my former lover. Two days later and with barely a word between us, I left.

That was the beginning of the dark period. I literally laid in the dark in (our) Harlem apartment for six days, crying my eyeballs out, listening to Chicane’s ‘No Ordinary Morning’, telling no one of my shame before I had to put myself together well enough appear at work. Depression set in so when I returned to flying, I tried to work it out of me by putting in an obscene amount of hours. Periodically, I broke into fits of tears on the plane and locked myself in the lavatory. One crew member who noticed my behavior that was completely out of character was especially kind. (Thank you, DZ.) I kept telling myself I just needed some time off. I needed a break and then everything would be okay. Well, I’d broken my foot early in my relationship with M, and soon I broke it again. Two months off to think. While home, I picked up books I’d never had time to read and one altered my entire perception: ‘Alchemy of the Spirit’ by Kryon, as channeled by Lee Carroll. I felt as if Kryon spoke directly to me and knew me for who I was, and I began to feel hope and Love.

This time when I went back to work, I changed my habitual route from London to Paris because everything there reminded me of times I’d shared with M. I allowed myself to have fun again and met a sort of okay French guy who took my mind off my life, but he frustrated me to no end and rather than break up with him to free myself, I slipped and shattered my wrist on ice. Four more months off work to think! Who was I to fathom old habits changed so easily? This time, between marathon episodes of ‘Clean House’ and ‘What Not to Wear’, I dove into all matters of consciousness, ended things with Pepe le Pew, and cleaned up my spiritual house.

I’ve since come to believe the truly lucky ones get to encounter the Dark Night of the Soul through Love. Love being the one true emotion to its opposite of Fear, it is Love we are afraid to lose. It is the lack of Love that makes us feel incomplete. It is Fear that has us believe we will never love again or that we are unworthy of Love and Love will never return. The Truth is, we are loved beyond measure from a place most of us can only dream of because it does not exist in concrete form. The higher realms of consciousness where your purest Self dwells wants you to know the relative insignificance of Love from another until you have absolutely, without a doubt learned the significance of loving your Self.

Do you love yourself? How many can honestly say that? Allow me to rephrase it. Do you love your Self? All of you. I’m not just talking about your hair or car, or your job and the great physical condition that you may be in. I’m asking about the pain, hurt, addictions and insecurity. To have a life sprinkled with the latter is a life lived, my friend. A life filled with great stories to tell… the kind where the trout becomes the whale of a fish you caught in the eye of the storm when the boat pitched to and fro, and you didn’t have any help, so you reached over and grabbed that monster and pulled it on deck with your bare hands kind of story! And you survived.

Now this time, imagine yourself outside that same boat, pitching to and fro in this enormous perfect storm, only the fish that turned into the whale is a metaphor for your Self, flailing away and drowning in a sea of Fear and despair. Monsters of life swim around like sharks… that boy or girl you love lurks, ready to chomp your very heart to bits; your partner swims away without remorse; your child gets carried ever farther away by rip currents, never to be seen again. You struggle but you don’t see the point. You want to swallow water and drown. And then, and THEN a magical light appears in the boat. It is your Highest Self calling out to you to catch the life ring it sends out to rescue you. Beautiful light surrounds this crystalline creature and you realize that is the light of pure Love. Suddenly, as you grab the ring and place it around you, you see that you are this pure, crystalline being, too. The ring is glowing pink from the energy of this Love and surrounds you with peace and the all-knowing that everything will be okay. As your Highest Self slowly reels you in to safety, the storm dissipates until there is nothing but calm sea and blue sky as He gently lifts you to safety aboard a magnificent cruise ship.

The two of you sit down at a table nearby and drinks of the cleanest, freshest water are set down before you. As you take in the water, you’ve never felt more comfortable with another Human and want to share all your previous troubles with your Highest Self, but He assures you he’s heard it all before and winks. “Drink and be refreshed,” He offers, and your cares dissolve with each sip. As if the water is infused with pure Love energy itself, you begin to see your life before you as your new friend smiles on. You see your journey, from birth through childhood struggles, high school trauma, family drama, and beyond. You have a window on that first, perfect love mate and the life you built for yourself based on what you knew to be true at the time. You may even note the life you once held was not your own, but that of what others around you dictated you should have based on their own experiences and expectations. And then you get to the part where all hope was ripped away from you and you found yourself struggling in that sea.

“Finish the glass,” your Highest Self says lovingly, while gazing as if He can see into your very Soul.

As you tip the glass toward you, you notice it is no longer filled with the same water, but now contains the brightest, most colorful juice you’ve ever tasted. This is no ordinary juice. It is shining like the brightest rainbow and sparkles in the light radiating from you and your friend. And as you drink this time, you see a life filled with rich experiences, none of which would have been possible without having swam through that sea that existed before this moment. You understand that all the hurt, pain, and anguish; the FEAR were all always encircled by that same pink glow of Love, like the one in the life ring. You feel grateful that all that ever happened before brought you to this very moment, otherwise you may not have ever met this wonderful side of you that loves you beyond all measure. Knowingly, He nods and it is you who smiles in return.

“Let’s order new drinks, shall we?”

The two of you sit for a while on the bow of that ship, cruising along a crystalline sea that appears as magical and divine as you and your own true Self chat until you integrate with one another. The life once lived served its purpose to bring you to the place where you found your Self, the one that loves you and wishes you to understand there is no reason to look for validation with Love from another. Love was within you all the time. Now you can lift your glass and toast to a new beginning.

I Am Love. I Am.

Free from the past, confident in your future, it is you who commands the ship now. Onward. Across the sea of Love and enlightenment.

I belong to a growing online community of beautiful, wonderful souls connecting with each other from all points of the globe to weave a web of support as we find ourselves tuning into the collective consciousness. Many of the threads I’ve read there recently start off with good intentions, but quickly turn into virtual shouting matches between many members hurling insults at each other faster than the speed of light. Enough.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

The first tenet of The Four Agreements is to be impeccable with your word. To speak with integrity and to say only what you mean. While some, when caught up in the heat of the argument, honestly feel they mean the words they say at the time, tenet Two reminds us that what others say and do is a reflection of their own reality…. Think about it.

Are you caught up in this endless dialogue, competing to see who has the last word? Do you feel the need to “stick it” to someone one last time for the sake of showing your dominance over another? How is that working for you?

Agreement Three: Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.

If you find yourself in constant, escalating, pissing contests, how is this serving you? On one hand, you could say it’s not serving me very well at all. I just raised my blood pressure over arguing with some guy I really don’t care about. Or, on the other hand, you could say, thank God, what a blessing! I just found an area of my spirit I need to work on! There would be a lot less drama in my life if I didn’t feel the need to get the last word in all the time. It’s too much effort to continue with the bashing and I’m all about wanting my life to be free and easy now.

Agreements Two and Four: Don’t take anything personally and always do your best.

Not every day is going to be a walk in the park. You’ll come across situations and circumstances that really chap your hide, but always remember that life is about choices. You can choose to play into the drama that holds you to the lower forces and prevents you from rising to your highest potential, or you can simply choose to always do your best to unlock the secrets to Ascension revealed in the previous agreements.

To the ladies, I will say, cattiness is not attractive and sometimes is considered crazy. That’s why people imitate the cat roar to make fun of two women that are fighting. We laugh but it’s not amusing, especially when you find it directed at yourself.

To the men, I offer, pissing on each other is not sexy. Locking horns with each other makes most of us women roll our eyes and want to move on. I repeat: Seeing a man who stands up for himself when justifiably wronged or to defend a woman’s honor = sexy. Watching a man argue for the sake of arguing = not sexy.

If you find yourself on this page and you’ve read this far, I thank you, but surely you are in some stage of the Awakening process. My hope is that you will take these words to heart, study the agreements, rise up to the challenge they present, and step into a new level of growth opportunity. The choice is yours but I ask you to choose wisely.

Don’t take anything personally and blame others for dragging you into situations in which you chose to participate on some level. Choose, instead, what you know is best for you in your heart. Choose the path that will leave you feeling lighter after you’ve walked away from all the bad stuff that was holding you down. Choose to do the best with the tools you’ve been given, then prove to yourself and others that you can rise above it all. Remember Who You Are way shower, light mover, warrior of peace! You’re better than that and I believe in you.

Because I couldn’t have said it better, myself, I’m simply going to lead you to this link – please click on the title of this post – of wisdom and insight from one who was as touched by the music of Nahko Bear and Medicine for the People. I’m not sad that I’ve not had the pleasure to see the band live in concert yet, but I’m thrilled I can enjoy seeing and hearing them in their many videos on YouTube.

Can I get three cheers for YouTube??? (Yes, three cheers calls for three question marks. It is THAT good.)

My favorite part about flying is when everything on the ground is gray and gloomy, and then we break through the clouds where it’s always beautiful and blue. Be it heavenly light or starry skies, it fills me with wonder and great appreciation of the world around me. You can be anywhere…. Be everything and nothing without limitations, surrounded by a vast sky waiting to be filled with possibilities.

If I had begun and ended my trip in Victoria Falls, I’m sure I would have walked away satisfied I was fortunate to have experienced such a wondrous site so personally, but the adventure had only just gotten underway. At 07:15 the next morning, I hoisted on my backpack and met my taxi driver from the previous day (the car mats dried overnight) and we departed for Livingstone airport. Two puddle jumpers later, I arrived in Mfuwe.

Battered, bruised, and slightly worse for wear with cuts and scratches from falling into the river, I was nervous beyond all reason that I would step off that plane in the middle of nowhere and find no one to greet me. Months had gone into planning the retreat but I hadn’t heard from my (very handsome) safari guide in two weeks. What if he’d forgotten? Who was going to meet me? Would they know I was there on that day? All thoughts ran through my head as the propeller plane taxied into the tiny airport. I worked jumbo jet within huge operations, so I felt a bit of trepidation.

I need not have worried.

Welcome to Mfuwe

My (very handsome) guide had arranged things exactly as he should, as if there had been any doubt. Pff… The friendly, kind face belonging to a man called James stepped forward to greet me with a, ‘You must be Elaine,’ and it was the start of a fast friendship.

The ride to Shenton Safari’s Kaingo Camp took about three hours through South Luangwa National Park. As we passed through the town of Mfuwe, neighbors shouted out and all manor of children jumped and waved to James as we drove past. His house was nearby and I was sure he knew everyone in sight, since he waved a friendly acknowledgement in return to each soul. I wish I had taken photos but my point-and-shoot camera sat in a bad of rice and I was too timid to whip out the iPhone. At any rate, I was too busy absorbing every moment.

General stores, fruit stands, and bicycle shops soon gave way to a more rural setting. As we reached the outskirts of Mfuwe, I noted many bush fires smoldering. The air smelled strongly of smoke. The children, James explained, started wildfires as a rite of passage without understanding the damage they caused. Several grass fires burned close to mud brick, thatch-roofed houses where women sat outside, some selling fruits at makeshift stands. The potential for catastrophe seemed real and inevitable without awareness and education against playing with fire. I worried for their safety. I wondered for their futures.

As we approached the park’s entrance, James explained that he was the Daddy who made sure all his children were safe and I was his child. He asked me a few questions and disappeared inside an office to register my stay with the authorities. You know, in case that lion my mother feared would eat me. (It didn’t.) A baboon stood at a sign posted just inside the gate into the park which read, ‘ANIMALS HAVE RIGHT OF WAY’. James and I had a good laugh. Yes, sir! Before I left France, I promised myself to go on safari with no expectations of which animals I’d see, except for the giraffe, my favorite animal in the whole world since childhood. Not five minutes inside South Luangwa, I saw my first giraffes. One of the graceful giants gazed at us with mild curiosity before crossing the road. And you know what? We gave him the right of way. Beyond my wildest dreams and so soon into my trip, my first wish came true for a spectacular trip. It was a good omen.

Animals Have Right of WayCaution: Animal Crossing Ahead

All along the drive, James pointed out various species and told me their indigenous names: the puku, the kudu, the bushbuck… I clung to every word while trying to take the advice of my (very handsome) guide to ‘slow down to the land.’ Midway, we stopped to lunch on ham and cheese sandwiches, lingering by the Luangwa river, listening to hippo snorts and laughter. Accompanying all this in my head was the song that remains there to this day, ‘Give Thanks’ by +Elijah-. It sounds almost mystical to think my life had already changed in a matter of a few hours, but it had in more ways than I could even express then. I didn’t understand that with each mile I pushed forward, I left an old way behind. I opened my heart to new experiences and ideas and am continually rewarded. I hadn’t even reached camp! Wow.

Shenton Safaris focused on small details. Upon pulling into Kaingo Camp, I was greeting by the friendly faces of the staff, including Noelle, a fellow American and safari manager who gave me the run-down and told me that if I was up to it, we could quickly catch up to Brent (yes, he has a name), who had spotted a pair of mating lions while out on the morning drive with my group. Within ten minutes we were tearing down the road in pursuit of real live ‘Animal Planet’ action. Our two vehicles met in a clearing where I exchanged hugs with this long-lost, amazing soul and he introduced me to what would become our little ‘famiglia’ for the next eight days. Barbara and Lorenza were a mother-daughter team from Bologna, Italy. Every year since Lorenza was eight years-old, they’d gone on safaris and this was Lorenza’s eighteenth birthday present. My mother and I just went to the Ice Capades every year. These two went on safari! Another wow. It was their second tour with Brent. Jealous. Noelle parted company and next thing I knew, we were right up in it. Lions. Mating. I was inside the pages of every ‘National Geographic’ magazine I’d seen as a girl.

Caution: Lion porn ahead!

Lion mating pairLions mating

I learned interesting facts, like lions mate every twenty minutes until the female begins to ovulate, and then they mate every twenty minutes until she conceives. Incroyable! They stopped and hunted for food occasionally, of course, often with the help of family members within their pride but, just like clockwork, twenty minutes passed and they were back in motion. Fascinating. As days passed, we’d witness many more incredible events from other mating pairs to lionesses protecting her cubs; from ‘Go Away’ birds and puku calling out signals of warning against predators; to a female leopard killing an impala twice her size and dragging it to shelter; to an innocent family of squirrels in a tree; to the elusive honey badger… supposedly one of the rarest of all savanna creatures to witness, but of which Brent and I counted a total of six sitings during my stay. So much of animal behavior mimicked our own, or did we mimic theirs? Security, shelter, survival, respect, even love, are all traits common throughout the species. What we want for ourselves, we must want for others. Respect the one who gave its life to serve you. Support the earth as it supports you. We are all connected. I slowed down to the land in Africa, disconnected from the world of ringing cell phones and high-speed internet access, and I didn’t miss it one bit. I found comfort in a small bush camp. I found home inside myself. I gave thanks.

Days started at 05:30 with a drum beat. We met for tea or coffee by six, and were out on the drive by 06:15. Breakfast at 09:15 gave us strength for afternoon activities, another drive or quiet reflection at one of the ‘hides’, observation hideaways perfect for photo opportunities or wilderness walks to commune with nature. Lunch was served at your personal chalet, where you could snooze or (in my case) do a bit of hand laundering of the lady garments. A long evening drive was invitation to view the nocturnal creatures or the twinkling carpet of stars in the expansive night sky. For a solid two days I had NO IDEA what the heck what I was looking at as it was pointed out to me. By the time I adjusted my new binoculars, the group had moved on to something new. I can’t remember exactly when the light bulb came on, but I came to recognize a genet versus a civet; a striped mongoose from the tree squirrels; and all manner of bee eaters from lilac-breasted rollers (those are birds). Brent and our ranger Maxwell pointed out animal tracks and taught us the difference between hyena and leopard prints, as we took 6 km long treks through the wilderness. Sometimes we’d follow tracks with no results only to turn a bend in the road and come up on the very cat who’d eluded us for days on end. Evenings finished with a lavish three-course meal and recollecting the days sitings, the little family laughing and joking about our lives, before collapsing contentedly in canopied beds.

Three generations of elephantsAfternoon at the hippo hideRun away treeWeaver birds nestsMy pet puku at the Mwamba hideLeopard tracksFemale leopard moving her killThe cycle of life ended for this poor elephant at the watering holeWet lioness separated from her pride after a freak rain storm

Road blockWildebeestZebraFamily timeA perfect South Luangwa sunset

I absolutely loved every moment. I couldn’t possibly share enough and still convey how I felt, and the pictures… Well, you all know the story of my camera woes but I did manage some photos, thanks to my trusty iPhone. Tears streamed when I left sometime after a male, bull elephant blocked the drive for a while. And James… Well, it was a long handshake, but not a good-bye.