‘All Those Naked Men Lined Up In A Row’ & Other Really Important Search Terms

When I started blogging again, I developed a new daily obsession. In addition to checking my stats so frequently that a clinical psychologist would say I have some unhealthy fixation with numbers, I can also see the Search Engine Terms that bring users to my blog via Google, Bing, Yahoo!, or any other search tool on the glorious interwebs.

It’s proved to be a really effective way to find out what subjects are bringing the most new visitors to my blog.

In the beginning of December, I wrote a critique on Disney Animation’s Frozen where I discussed the symbolism of it’s main character, Elsa and how she represents the LGBT community — or any marginalized minority (read the original article by clicking this link — you know want to! It’s well worth it). Since that post went live, it’s gone on to be the 2nd most view post I’ve written in the nine months since the birth of “Beautiful Chaos.” Most of those views can be attributed to search terms that brought new visitors to the site, and not a day has gone by in the last month where “Frozen” + “gay,” “LGBT,” “homosexual elements,” “gay allegory,” “‘Let It Go’/coming out,” “lesbian theme,” or some similar string of words hasn’t been used by someone to find my blog. Even phrases like “frozen gay family,” referring to this particular scene…

…where a beefy blonde shop owner waves hi to his family; it appears as if the shop owner is gay and the four young ones around the muscular blonde in the sauna is his husband. I caught it on first viewing, and it seems others have as well, hence the “frozen gay family” search term. In fact, it seems there are a lot of people that, like me, saw gay themes in Frozen, Disney’s most successful animated film since 1994’s The Lion King.

#PoweroftheSearchTerm.

In addition to being a teaching tool for me, it’s become quite a source of entertainment. Many times per week I read the search terms and laugh my ass off, wondering how the hell my blog showed up in search results.

The Top 10 Best/Funniest Search Terms Used to Find “Beautiful Chaos”:

10. “how to properly have sex”

Now, I don’t know who used this term, or any of these terms for that matter (#encryption, y’all), but I do know that I feel sorry for whoever typed this into a search engine. What kind of awkward/bad/horrifying sex has this person been having that they felt the need to Google it. Or more importantly, how the hell did my blog show up as a search result? I missed where I wrote about proper sexual positioning…

I imagine this person shops at Hot Topic exclusively and, like, totally lives for acts of rebellion like gaging their ears and listening to super cool underground bands in public, and in private rocking out to Dashboard Confessional circa 2004.

8. “wat does de word twerk & tweak?”

Ok, I know there’s a serious grammar problem in the world today, but I’ll never understand why people can’t type an extra letter. Does the “h” in “what” really post that big of a threat? Is “de” really that much of a shortcut for “the”?

But really, the reason why I love this so much is that, when I wrote “Whistle While You Twerk…Err, Tweak,” I figured “twerk” would bring people to my site, but I never imagined the two working harmoniously together to bring this unique visitor to my site.

7. “how to get Adam Lambert to love me”

High expectations much?

… if I knew the answer to that one, I’d be writing all about my world wind romance with this sexy mofo.

This photo of me and Adam at a restaurant with great candlelit ambiance may or may not be real.

Alas, I don’t have the answer. #Sorry

6. “ken doll gay porn gallery”

Not gonna lie, this one makes me nervous. I imagine the creepy butler from American Horror Story: Coven surrounded by a collection of name Ken Dolls while he jerks off.

5. “17 year old gay brothers penis fucking photos”

Uh…huh…

Did I miss the memo that my blog was considered a gay porn site?

I just … I don’t even know what post this lead to and, frankly, I’m really curious to find out if this particular person found what they were looking for…

4. “just leave me here to die”

This, in various incarnations, appears multiple times under top search terms. It’s usually accompanied by Lilo & Stitch, but I just love the idea of this phrase leading people to my blog. It makes me feel all sorts of hipster and emo. Because those things are cool still, right? Can I get an amen?

3. “dawson leery is a douchebag”

Yes!

This one makes me VERY happy. Why? Well, Dawson’s Creek has taught me a lot, clearly, and apparently it’s done the same for many people, as what I wrote about the show became my fifth most-viewed/visited post of 2013.

Plus, come on, he’s such a douche.

2. “all those naked men lined up in a row”

Something about this particular search term makes me chuckle.

Who are these naked men?

Why did this person want all the naked men to be lined up in a row?

What exactly was this person searching for?

And, as is the theme of this post: How in the world did my blog become a search result?

There seems to be a theme in a lot of these oddball search terms…apparently my site doubles as a hub for gay porn…

1. “crazy person rocking back and forth”

THIS is, without a doubt, the BEST phrase that I’ve found that has brought someone to my site.

Most of my life has been spent convincing myself that I’m not actually insane. Sometimes I think that everyone else is insane and I’m the only sane, rational person. Other times, I feel like I’m the unhinged one and every else around me just doesn’t get it.

My favorite song growing up was Green Day’s “Basket Case”; it perfectly sums up who I felt I was half the time:

Do you have the timeTo listen to me whineAbout nothing and everything all at onceI am one of thoseMelodramatic foolsNeurotic to the boneNo doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creepsSometimes my mind plays tricks on meIt all keeps adding upI think I’m cracking upAm I just paranoid?Am I just stoned?

Yes, I’m aware that this is the uncrowned Misfit Anthem for every 90s outcast. But it doesn’t make it any less true. I’ve written about my varying degrees of crazy more times on this blog than I can count on both hands, so while this search term makes me giggle, it also speaks a lot about who I am.

I like that I’m crazy.

I like that I write the unexpected.

I like that I’m not just a one-note blogger.

I’m loud and I write what I want to write. I want visitors to my blog to see the real me, and all of my various hues of color.

Interesting how it took a search term to make me see that, though.

Search terms lead us to new places on the ever-expanding interwebs. And sometimes, they can don’t need to lead us anywhere at all to make us find what we’re looking for.

What search terms have you used that have brought you to unexpected places on the web? Sound off below!

This whole post was NOT just an excuse to use this GIF, btw.Ok, maybe it was.

Hi Steven! I just wanted to let you know something funny. I write a blog about feminism and LGTB issues as well (but in Spanish), and a few months ago I wrote an entry on Frozen and the gay subtext-almost-text, which is, uh, basically your same post only in Spanish. I just used stills instead of GIFs, and I pointed out the shop owner has two bear figures on the counter ;) The funny thing is, I also like checking the stats once in a while, and my Frozen article is also the second most popular post! Whith basically the same search words as the ones you get. (The most popular post, depressingly, gets visits from people asking the name of a pretty actress who played a rather sexist role in a publicity campaign I wrote an article about). Actually there are lots of articles around about Frozen and its LGTB themes. I find it fascinating that some people are picking on it and wanting to know more, and wonder what Disney people think about it all – was it really intentional? was it a happy accident they were okay with?
Thank you for the tips – now I know all I have to do to increase visits is inserting some spicy phrase somewhere about a row of naked men ;)

Hey Hugo! That’s awesome! Frozen has become this huge cultural phenomenon; I’m glad I wrote this piece pretty much right after the movie came out (about a week-ish later) because it really GREW and continues to grow every day! Right now, it’s my most popular post by a wide margin of like 5,000 views. #CRAZY for my little blog!

Do you get the crazy religious zealots who link to your blog? I get them ALL the time, and it’s fascinating how much hate exists out there and how much of that is grounded in organized religion. I mean, bottom line: it’s a Disney film, and no, it’s not blatantly G-A-Y, but it is MOST DEFINITELY a product of it’s time period (the human rights movement) and will be remembered as such 10, 20, 50 years down the line. Hopefully in 50 years, kids will be saying “Holy cow, Frozen was a good movie, but WOW it was so afraid to be bold. Now we have movies about two princesses and two princes falling in love.”

Also, yeah, apparently the words “naked men” garner lots of traffic hahaha. You’d be even more surprised about the AWFUL search terms regarding underage boys that I didn’t even feel comfortable posting, which is probably because I write about sex, gay issues, and the YA genre. Still: #shudder.