Friday, September 26, 2008

It’s Friday and you know what that means?Tomorrow is wedding day all day and I mean ALL DAY.

My cousin is marrying an Italian girl and they both want a traditional wedding but they each wanted it to be on their turf so that means the guests got to suffer, all 600 of them.First we are off to the Greek Church for an Orthodox wedding and then all 600 of us run to our cars and race for parking spots at the Catholic Church.

I figure 450 will make it while 50 old men with a few barely legal to drink teenagers get side tracked as we race past four strip clubs on the way.Another 50 will disappear trying to relieve bladder problems.They have security guards posted by the bushes at the experimental farm now since the Greek festival when the area started to smell like stale Amstel Beer, Light.20 will finally give in to their whining kids and drive into McDs to shut them up.20 will get lost on purpose and 10 more will get into a fistfight in the parking lot of the Church.It always happens; then they get drunk on free booze at the wedding and love each other.

Imagine getting married twice in one day to the same person.Why?Why get married at all?I’ve never been married and I’m happy.I have been in two long-term relationships without the help of a priest or judge giving me a license to be with that person.It’s almost like having to go see the lord for permission to get married.Society’s lord, the judge and the big guy, Oh Lord.In Hawaii you got to go see Jack Lord.Is he still alive?Someone go get Dano to find him.

In order to make it legal you have to see these people and you have to give them money.What a scam, it’s like a legal Mafia tradition.I should change my name to Lord Walker for some extra cash and reinstate the rights of the first night to the Lord.The groom can practice with the mother in law.

I seen people living together for 15 years before they got married.They have kids yet they go out and get legally married and I ask them.Why?Why now and they tell me it took them that long to save the 30 thousand bucks for the wedding.What are you nuts?

Go buy your selves a set of matching cars then throw a bbq for your friends and have a priest stop in for some steak and to marry you.But no, you want it the old fashion way because it’s tradition.

Wait a minute, why are you wearing white?HELLO, you have three kids and one is older than your relationship with the groom.I think we all know who’s NOT a virgin, so why not throw on some black lace number and get down with the day instead of starting this union with a lie.

Ah, you were virgin before you were knocked up:White it was then.We can spread a little ketchup on the sheets after to make it look good, “wink”

Two years later I get invited to a divorce party at their place.It seems they were happier living together and not married.They still live together and all, but they’re single and happy.

And people say I’m crazy.

I have met a couple of people who don’t live with their boy/girl friends but they go to each other’s places to fuck.They don’t see others but are exclusive to their partners but they live apart.I ask them, why don’t you just move in together and save half the rent.Fuck they are at one or the others place every day so why not.OH NO!!!!!!!!You can’t do that because people will talk that you’re living together in sin.

“Scratch scratch scratch” head

You’re running around fucking like rabbits behind every bush, car, couch and that’s ok but moving in together is a sin?Now you know why I smoke drugs.It’s to stay sane.

Everyone is fucking around on his or her spouses but that’s ok because they’re married.To other people.

Now do you see why I have never been married?

I have seen couple change when they get married.I don’t know what it is but when they were single and dating they were different but after the I Dos it was like a metamorphous and they start resenting each other.First it starts with one trying to change the other then the fighting then claustrophobia sets in.You can’t do this or that.Both feel like prisoners and the whole thing starts to break down and the same fucken judge presides over the divorce 7 years down the road.The Church throws you out for getting divorced.Unless you give them money of course then they’ll just blame it on the Devil.Poor bastard gets blamed for everything.

So lets say that they get married in the Greek Church and on route to the Catholic Church they get into a fight.Say that they are so made that they say they don’t instead of I dos, what then?Do you get a mulligan and try again?No really they say yes in one church and no in the other. It’s like a toss up.A tie.Do you go into overtime and call in a Rabbi to break the deadlock?

Do we still get free booze?

Did I mention its costing over 100 grand for this wedding?They are going for a cruise of the Mediterranean for their honeymoon.I don’t know if I want to be in a boat anywhere near the Middle East right about now.

I don’t know; it seems like a lot of wasted money and time for tradition that could end up bad.Shacking up sounds more like fun that getting married and without all the headaches that come with marriage and divorce.

Don’t get me wrong, marriage is great for many people and it works with a lot of work, effort, patience and Prozac.Every wife I have been with has been hot and horny so I can’t understand what their husbands are talking about.I think that has been the biggest turn off for me about marriage, the married women that have come to me over the years looking for sex and the married men whom I see pick up the hookers at the corner.Oh well, it’s the bed we make that we sleep in at the end of the day.

Keep me in your thoughts as I’m stuffing a 13-course meal into my gullet and washing it down with ridiculous amounts of free booze.

Yep, marriage changed things the 2X times I did it. But then I didn't pick good partners so that might have been part of it. My son and his girlfriend want to get married--mostly just because they have a son together. That's how one of MY marriages happened and it's not a good enough reason.

I can honestly say never.I have been in two long term relationships, one 17 years and one almost ten and another online relationship that lasted five years.I was commited to all of them and they all ended so why go through all the hassles and expense of three weddings if only to pay more to end them.

Bud: Money isn't really an issue to these people especially the brides father whose bankroll goes deep into nine figures.The are getting a half million dollar house as a wedding present.I think its a waste of money even though they have wheel barrels full of it.

All of this out does the last brides wedding you were at.In 86 my parents were approched about me marrying this woman and was being offered a ridiculous amount of money to do so but I had a girl friend at the time.In fact the mother of my children.Her family was dirt poor but that was what I wanted.

They guy that did marry her and took the money looks old today.As old as dirt LOL

Still, I do enjoy going to expensive weddings. Mostly for the free booze but the dancing plays a part too (as long as the DJ has a brain in his or her head, which I have noticed is less and less often these days).

I go to the weddings to catch up with alot of the family mostly.I don;t get laid at these things and in fact avoid any contact with anyone that could get my mothers attention HA HA HAThe woman is a hawk.

I suspect it might be a little premature to be talking of getting married again when I still have a husband but Im not sure I want to. I think relationships that have distance seem far more sparky and exciting and the couples involved far more appreciative of each other.

I know marriage isn`t for everyone, but I will never be sorry I got married and spent a little over 50 years with him. Still, I don`t think I will ever want to get married again. Would be nice to have a good friend to share good times with, or to travel with, and go places with so I don`t feel like a fifth wheel at doings. but live with, think I am getting too used to this free with no responsibilities to another`s wishes feeling. Who knows, maybe it is called getting old. Ha Ha.

I've tried to convince my kids that 'eloping' is a great idea :) Hubby and I got hitched at city hall, $10.- for the marriage license and bus fare. We were poor, what can I say.I've never wanted a big white wedding, all I dreamed about, was having children. I loved it, then came the teenage years and no place to return them. Well, the one, anyhoo, nearly 30 and still a mess. I think he's bi-polar.No weddings in sight for the offspring.