Monday, March 13, 2017

How much money does your church make?

How much money does your church make? How much of that money goes to sustaining the church leadership to the style they are increasingly becoming used to? Have you blessed your church leadership with a holiday in Barbados of late? Shopping trips to Dubai, then? You did, at least, make sure that the church leadership does not schlep in PSV hell, didn't you?

I like the example that the Christ lived. Only the best was good enough for the Son of Man. Only untold luxuries were required for the Prince of Peace. If the Son of God ate, He had to eat the best dates, figs and lamb that could be found in Galilee. Had he been born in the twenty-first century, the pony he rode into Jerusalem for his trials and tribulations would have been a Rolls-Royce Phantom and the modern-day Pontius Pilate would have been seven self-important, self-aggrandizing, black-robed Judges of the Supreme Court. (He would be acquitted of all charges, of course, throwing the case into the hands of Pokot bandits, or some such shit.)

You know as well as I do that God doesn't listen to the unwashed, unkempt, unlettered, poor masses; God has His ears only for the man with the fattest wallet and the woman who consorts with him as his, uhmmmm, helpmeet...or something. That's why when Jesus issued the Great Commission it had a secret protocol: in addition to making disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you, please amass great wealth by any means necessary because no one goes to the Father unless they have a big-assed trunk of gold and shit.

If your church doesn't make enough money to acquire land and hospitals and bus companies and shares and stocks and houses and Rolls-Royces and Gulfstream 550s, you are certainly going to hell. Don't squander your money in gambling dens and houses of ill-repute like the pastor; give it all to the church. Every last penny is a seed that God shall multiply for your pastor - and for you, when the time is right and so long as you keep the faith. Yes, dear child, the fifty thousand that you hand over to apostle pastor doctor bishop will one day manifest itself in your life as a Rolls-Royce parked next your Range Rover outside your Kitisuru mansion with the hidden hangar in which nestles your Bell Jetranger helicopter.