August 3, 2005 (place)

If I had a life without limits, where would I be?

What if I was the prettiest girl with a perfect body – what would it be like? I would be a glowing, happy presence everywhere I went – smiling at everyone and cheering them up. Doors open for me everywhere I go. A kind man finds me, truly loves me even with all of my bullshit. Actually his true love helps cure me of it and I become a better person. He chooses me over every other priority – pushing them aside like the petty nuisances they are. He asks for me and only me - nicely without force. We hold hands as we fall asleep at night.

What if I could sleep with any man I wanted – if there were no consequences to it and no danger? No mixing sex and love and feeling fucked up in the morning – no diseases or adultery – just sex for fun. A man on the street says “hey beautiful!” as I pass and instead of turning away shyly, I say “thanks, that is sweet, would you like to come home with me?” We would then make love, or at least have hot sex. After, I’d prepare him a snack and he could take a streetcar home – everything is still polite and no one is ashamed. I could have them all - the guy at the rental car place (yes!), the sporty guy in my class (yes!), my old friend who I have been curious about (yes!). Nobody would feel weird or get hurt. We would all just be satisfied.

What if I was independently very wealthy? Paying bills and tickets would be meaningless. I would never be lonely because I would always be able to do every activity anyone suggested, instead of finding it expensive. I would not be a petty rent/loan/lease/tax/gas slave in a job I dislike as I am today. I would fund the creative projects of my friends and other talented people and bring them to market. We’d create a new artistic movement, new industries, wealth and a positive work environment for our employees – because why the hell should so many people be miserable at work? We would use any extra money to share our success with people who are less fortunate. I would own a house. My Mom would not have to worry about her future. My sister and her family could have seed money for their business idea. I would pay back my brother. I would have kids – even if I never find a man who wants to take care of them – we would take care of ourselves. The kids would be happy – they would always be loved and wanted. We would travel all over the world in the summers.

No limits would be great – wouldn’t it? Eat forever… drink forever… talk forever… love forever… live forever… It never stops. It never breaks. It never leaves. It never dies. But, the limits are everywhere – they stick to everyone and they stick to me. I guess we all have limits and get frustrated as we bump into them and stick to them – some days. On those days the limits seem more annoying than ever. And – I have been having those kinds of days lately.