Saturday, November 24, 2012

Thrice Did The Siren Sing

BRAVE

Take
all the essential elements of a Disney film, boil them down to their most
basic, boring, dull, then string them along in predictable fashion.

At
least Pixar still does animation well.

The
Pixar that I first liked was a much subtler beast. The stories were private
ones, shared secrets between friends. Cute little oddball ones about talking
toys and lost fish. Now Pixar feels like a lumbering giant. Blind. Striking at
the most obvious nerves of sentimental connection. They have removed themselves
from my company and have taken it upon themselves to lecture me. About all
sorts of shit I already know. That’s what makes their current work so galling.
Such a betrayal.

You’ve
changed Pixar. And I don’t like it.

EXPENDABLES

What
the fuck was that? Sly? You’re my boy. I have your back. All these young bloods
talk shit about your action movies. Saying how they’re dumb, with bad stunts,
and throw away stories.

You
just proved right every bad thing ever said about you. Hey though, nice work
with all those blood gags. That’s the nicest thing I can say about Expendables
2.

I just…
Why? Why did you do that? That film showed a gross lack of respect for
yourself, the work you do, the stellar fucking dudes you had in that travesty,
and me. But don’t worry about me. I’m embarrassed for you guys.

You don’t
have to say “sorry”. Just tell me you won’t ever do that again.

SNOW
WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN

We must
weep! Out there, someone had a great idea for a movie. They must have gotten
too excited about their idea because they told. Told the wrong person. That
person, that twat, hollowed out that idea, ruined it. And we got Snow White And The Huntsman. This being
the third film of the day, I started to wonder…