Wednesday, June 28, 2006

My Turn!

A rousing “Thank you” to my arachnid friend, The Pink Spyder, for allowing old Kingie to grace her hallowed snare as this week’s “Guest Blogger.” I only pray that these royal ramblings measure up to her Blog’s fine tradition of brilliance and distinction. So, without further ado~

I find myself dangerously approaching a point in my archaic age where I am losing patience for those in the realm who cannot, or will not, use proper King’s English. Nothing twists the royal knickers more than trying to understand the oral gibberish and misspelled writings of the kingdom’s inhabitants. Much like the Black Death, this has become an evil plague upon the monarchy.

It was only yesterday that ye royal crowns gnawed upon each other whilst I listened to the Olde Towne Crier mispronounce his utterings, word, after word, after word. So infuriated was I that I summoned my loyal Squires to procure a copy so that I might read, and thus understand, with more clarity. Alas, the King's heart weakened with despair as royal tears fell downward upon his robe. I witnessed misspelled words and poorly constructed sentences. Grammar, much like yon castle walls, was in dire need of structure and support. I feared that the enemies of intellect had invaded my realm. Theirs was the goal of undermining the very foundation us old monarchs have fought for and cherished, lo these many centuries. I beseech you, all who read this, to follow me in a crusade for better syntax. Time and apathy are our enemies and they have placed us at the edge of their wicked forest. There is no turning back. We must find a way to breach the dark and eerie woodland, or perish, sword in hand, at this scourge of ignorance.

A Proclamation To All: “Go forth, learn, and teach! Harvest a manuscript on grammar. Open it and read its contents. A playful starter: http://www.edufind.com/english/grammar/ Being ever so simplistic and fun, even the squeamish at heart will enjoy this website. Study it knaves, learn it, and recite its works! Push thyself, knights! Rise up, Ladies of the Crown! Rise meteorically. Become Nobles of the Quest. Go forth and teach those less fortunate. Pride thyself in thy newly acquired literary skills.

If I must command Merlin to cast a spell, then so be it. The realm shall, no MUST, learn effective speaking and writing skills. The King’s English must endure. From the Monarch’s lowly Court’s Jesters to its lofty arachnids of the world, all shall rise to meet this decree.

And to my host, Pinkie~

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew her, Pinkie: an arachnid of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy and quality of written speech: she hath borne me on her website; and now, how exuberated in my imagination it is! My chalice rims at the edge with gratitude and respect. Now get you to your Lady's chambers, Miss Pinkie, and tell all, to look upon this favour as privilege. Go now in peace all that read this.

And to the critics of the Crown, should you find grammatical errors herein, remember this: "Sometimes it's good to be the King!" I beg leave of you now, my loyal subjects.

Since this is Medieval Monday, I chose an image from the Medieval Bestiary. Not very good at pictures, were they? That doesn't look a thing like me! Perhaps with some tiny pink sandals and a lovely pink bow...and good heavens, which is the head and which is the butt?

For our Monday feast, I've decided to post a letter from Adonea, who stars in a novel in process called Dark Blessing, It's by an author who'll likely use the name Ava Donnellon, if her publisher will allow. Anyway, that's what we shall call her for now. She's graciously agreed to allow me to post Adonea's letter, but before I do that darlings, I want to let you in on a special treat for Web Worthy Wednesday. The one and only King Richard of White has agreed to be our guest poster - yes, yes, I hear your sighs of rapture all the way here. Be looking for that day after tomorrow!! Now to the letter:

Dearest Pinkie,I am humbled and delighted for the opportunity to pen this letter for your - what do you call it? -- blog? You 21st century people are so very strange. The closest thing I can imagine is the rather long cow skin on which I write the recipes for my potions, and I certainly would not hang it out for all to see! In fact, I'd rather no one know of my magical powers.Perhaps I would be better off in the 21st century. I've been terribly lonely of late. Uncle Aelfred is getting on in years, and little Jakin, whom I've taken under my care since shortly after his birth, is too young to be much of a companion. You see, my family sent me away to a convent long ago. They think I'm a changeling, an evil being left in the crib in place of their real baby. I escaped from the nun's cruelty and have been on my own ever since.I would like to see my younger sister, Orphillia. She was but a babe when I last gazed upon her beautiful blue-eyed face. My friend, Lady Tess of Halford, keeps an eye on her for me through her spies. I hear Tess's half-brother, that dastardly blackheart Eric the Daring has been ill of late. He most likely deserves it too, for it is his son that I care for after the child was abandoned by his unwed mother. I may be an outcast and tragically uncherished, but I'll never be so disconsolate as to seek the solace of that man's arms.I should take my way to bed now. I feel the spirit will soon come upon me and drag me away to the next avenging. I should verily like to rid myself of that burden someday. Who next shall I kill? What soul shall I doom to wander the earth as its penance? I can only hope I shall be released from its compulsion when I have finally atoned for whatever sin brought this curse down upon me.Most assuredly yours,Adonea

Friday, June 23, 2006

Feast your eyes on this beauty, darlings. This is the image I wish to send you off to your weekend with... This is my cousin Crabby. And for all you arachniphobes (King Richard...), I stumbled across a bit of an article I thought I'd share....

WHY ARE SPIDERS OUR FRIENDS? Even though they can bite, spiders are our friends. They eat more insects than birds do, especially yellow flies, which really bite people a lot. Spiders don’t see very well. If you stay more than a foot away from them, they can’t even see you, and they certainly can’t bite you. If a spider gets on you, the only thing it wants to do is get off. Don’t squash him; just flip him off. He may eat the bug that was going to sting you tomorrow!

Oh, and my dear friend Sara asked if we intentionaly crawl on people when they're sleeping...certainly not, darling. It's very dangerous. The average person swallows 7 spiders over the course of their lifetime - eew! Who wants to be swallowed by an icky human? Gives me chills just thinking about it!

Anyway, I'll leave you with this last thought:

HOW DO SPIDERS EAT? Spiders don’t chew their food. When they get to the bug in their web, they bite it and inject venom. The venom either paralyzes or kills the bug. Then the venom turns the bug’s insides into liquid. While the venom is working, the spider wraps the bug in silk. She may drink the liquid then, or tie the little silk bundle to her web so she can snack later.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Great evil is afoot! I've received intelligence today through my world wide web (it really is all mine, you know) that King Richard of White has stated the following (and I quote!):

"Just for the record, dah-ling...spiders are the only thing prohibiting me from becoming a certified, card-carrying Hindu. I respect all forms of life "except-" you guessed it: arachnoids."

I cannot tell you how upset I am - truly, truly upset. King Richard, if you are reading this, I'd like to introduce you to someone.... The picture above is my boyfriend, Freiderick, and his evil twin brother, Hortence. He is a funnel web spider. If you do not cease and desist making all such comments, I shall send him to bite you. His venom attacks the human nervous system so severely, the initial symptoms include local pain, mouth numbness, vomiting, abdominal pain, sweating and salivation. And that's just for starters!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, kingie-poo! Now what have you to say for yourself? Shall I call upon Freiderick?

Monday, June 19, 2006

What do they mean, beware the web? It won't hurt you, darling, I promise. Look into my eyes. Can't you tell I'm not lying? Come a little closer....just a little closer....

Come 'ere ya big chicken!

In the coming days, you'll experience such delight, such rapture....why, you ask? Because I have some truly horrific treats for you (no, no, leave my flies alone now). Beginning next week, we'll start off with Medieval Monday (because who else knew how to be more horrific than someone who, if you pissed them off, would lop off your head, shove a pike through it and display the ugly remains on their front lawn?).

Don't run away, darling....it's all lighthearted fun...

We'll follow that with Traumatic Tuesday and .... well, I think that's enough preview for now.

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PLEASE don't ask to exchange links with me if your blog is little more than an online store. If you do, I shall wrap you deep in my web and suck the juices from your paralyzed yet terrifyingly and painfully alive body...