A few months ago I wrote an article about prayer as a useful way to prevent infidelity and adultery in relationships (see here). As a result, I received some requests for additional techniques to increase a partner's fidelity and prevent them from cheating. So, if you would like to prevent infidelity or adultery in your relationship, then continue reading below...

I did a bit more digging in the research. Techniques to reduce infidelity are known as "Mate Guarding" or "Mate Retention Tactics" in the psychological literature. Evolutionary psychologists have been hard at work identifying and studying these techniques. If you learn a few, then your relationships might just be a bit more secure too!

Mate Guarding and Mate Retention Techniques

An extensive investigation on mate guarding and retention tactics was conducted by Buss (1988). Buss (1988) conducted two separate experiments in the investigation. The first experiment attempted to categorize different types of tactics. The goal of the second experiment was to determine the effectiveness of each tactic.

From the first experiment, Buss (1988) found 104 behaviors performed by both men and women to guard or retain their mate. Those behaviors were categorized into 19 separate "tactics". At the most basic, tactics were either employed to keep the individual mate faithful themselves (Intersexual Manipulations) or to ward off potential rivals who might try to steal them (Intrasexual Manupulations). The full categorization of the techniques was as follows...

Intersexual Manipulation Tactics - tactics performed on the mate.

Direct Guarding - behaviors that control the mate's behavior directly.

Public Signals of Possession - behaviors that show the person is "with" that mate.

Verbal Signals - claiming mate as girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, etc.

Physical Signals - holding hands, kissing, sitting close, etc.

Ornamentation - giving mate clothing or jewelry to wear to show relationship status.

Negative Inducements - behavior that reduces a rival's motivation to cheat with mate.

Derogation of Mate to Competitors - telling rival that one's mate is not appealing.

Intrasexual Threats - threatening or confronting rivals.

Violence - physically assaulting a rival.

In the second study, Buss (1988) focused on perceptions of the effectiveness of each mate guarding behavior. From participants' rankings, the researcher found that some behaviors were more effective in preventing infidelity than others. Tactics such as emphasizing love and caring, enhancing physical appearance, resource displays (for men), and sexual inducement (for women) appeared to be most effective techniques to keep a mate faithful. In contrast, techniques that were violent, negative, or directly controlling tended to be less effective. Thus, partners were able to keep their mate from cheating primarily by positive inducement - motivating them with various rewards to stay faithful.

Preventing Adultery and Infidelity

When individuals try to prevent a lover or spouse from cheating, they often jump to negative, controlling, and possessive behaviors. Some snoop and stalk. Others become needy, controlling, and jealous. Yet others threaten, beg, or plead. As we have seen above, all of those are indeed techniques used to guard a mate - but they are NOT the most effective. In fact, they might be counter-productive to a happy, loving, and successful relationship.

Thus, it is better to keep a mate from cheating by increasing their motivation and desire to stay. Essentially, rather than trying to control or punish a partner away from infidelity, it is more effective to reward and encourage their faithfulness and love. Particularly, the following behaviors can help:

1) Emphasize Love and Caring - by far, the most effective behaviors reported, used by both men and women, were those that communicated love and care. Sometimes, these demonstrations were verbal declarations of love and care. Other times, they were physical signs of affection. In either case, they increase a partner's feelings of connectedness and attraction - reducing the likelihood that they might cheat. So, to improve the fidelity of your relationship, build a greater connection with your lover (for more, see here), share your gratitude with them (see here), and be physically affectionate (see here).

2) Enhancing Physical Appearance - men and women also found that improving their looks helped keep their partner's attention. Some made themselves up a bit. Others got some new clothes. Overall, the physical improvement helped keep their lover's eyes on them - and away from the rivals. Thus, to keep a partner paying attention to you and only you, it helps to improve your appearance (for more, see here).

3) Rewarding Them - a thoughtful gift, or a bit of sexual attention, tended to keep partners happy and faithful too. Thus, an individual who rewarded a mate's faithful and affectionate behavior, with the occasional night out or romantic gesture, was successful in keeping them happy (particularly true for women). Similarly, the individual who rewarded a mate's loyal and considerate behavior with some sexy response was successful in keeping them happy (particularly true for men). Therefore, to keep a partner satisfied and faithful, it is important to reward them (for more, see here) and attend to their needs for romantic gifts (see here) and sexual fulfillment (see here, here, and here).

Conclusion

Preventing infidelity or adultery can be a concern in monogamous relationships. Often, individuals use negative, controlling, or emotionally-manipulative tactics to keep their lover faithful. Unfortunately, those behaviors are often not effective and may be counter-productive. Rather, keeping a partner faithful is best accomplished by increasing their motivation and desire to stay with you. Show them that you love and care for them. Improve your appearance to keep their attention. Reward them and attend to their need for romance and sex. These tactics will help keep them from wandering...and make your relationship more satisfying and positive too.

What fascinates me is where people find the time to cheat on their partners.

Maybe it's because I run my own business that I'm too immersed to waste time on frivolities that I can't understand how adulterers manage. My wife tells me that if I had the sort of job that kept me away from home for days or end or involved attending lots of conferences then maybe temptation would come my way.

If you are in a loving and caring, sexually intimate relationship where you feel well loved your urge to stray will probably be decreased, regardless of whether you travel or not.

The need to be in an intimate connection is not frivolous (if you used that term then you are not in one and the probablility is low that you would not refer to intimacy as "frivolous") - ask anyone who has endured a long term sexless marriage where the rules of exclusivity are used as a club against you - where the spouse expects sexual fidelity all the while refusing to engage intimate wise.

Beyond its basic function for procreation, sex means different things to different people. Frivolous means have not having any serious purpose or value. It is nothing to do with intimacy. Intimacy is close familiarity or friendship.

Cheating on your partner is another way of cheating on yourself. Taking a short- cut to happiness is likely to result in long- term loneliness. The only way, at least as I see it, is to break free from the cause of unhappiness by transforming the cause into an opportunity for self-development.

As rhe saying goes, "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were."

To endure a long-term sexless marriage is to acquisence to power-games which is a different thing entirely. My question was about how do people that cheat find the time?

They find the time to "cheat" because it becomes a priority. If the activity becomes a priority then it might not be frivolous.

When something is a priority (whether it be work, a hobby, exercise, cheating or anything else) they find the time. How many times has someone said they cannot find the time to do X activity? Yet engage in other activities that require huge amounts of time.

So, to answer the question of how do they find the time: For those with whom want to cheat, the activity becomes more important than participating in other activities, thus, they find the time.

Great article. Speaking from a male perspective. I think most men feel that they cheat because they feel that they are getting what they need or a false sense of what they need from another person. The number one thing that a man need in a relationship is "honor and respect." Trying to control or manipulate is a form of dishonor and disrespect. Could it be that men will go to a strip club to pay for a lap dance or are they paying for Honor and Respect from that woman?

I know a guy that has been married for over 15 years. He said at work a woman that worked with him said, to him, " I am here for you, I'll will support you." He told me that it was like music to his ears and he felt such a strong pull on him for that woman. Would not have been a strong pull on him, if he felt like he was getting this type of honor from his spouse.

"Could it be that men will go to a strip club to pay for a lab dance or are they paying for honor and respect from that woman?"

First of all honor and respect CANNOT BE BOUGHT.

Second of all, I have known quite a few strippers, personally, and they hold about as much honor or respect for their payees, as a man who brags about his physical ability to "take what he wants" from a woman. Their job is to take (money) with physical prowess. And nothing else. HONOR and RESPECT are NEVER brought up.

THEY sure ruined my "poor little girl with daddy issues, or working to pay her way through college. Sniff sniff." In fact OBLITERATED it. Rife with narcissicm and sociopathic tendencies, and an absolute mantra of misandry.

I like men. I love men. I offer honor and respect to any man who earns it. But I feel it is pathetic these places are so frequently elevated as some sort of haven for men. I wish to this day I would have fattened a few of their lips for their hatefulness, disdain and outright cruelty to some of their patrons who--as you say, may have just had hopes for honor and respect.

I feel proud for those person who can't cheat their partners but somehow, I understand some people who did the infidelity, adultery or simply the cheating. As for me, it is a case to case basis. There are lots of reasons on why people cheats to their partner. Some are acceptable, some are unacceptable. Think concealed cash in your marriage could possibly be a sign that your spouse is having an affair? Watch for these indications and open the lines of communication. Learn more about cheating.