Taurus (April 20-May 20)Well done for sticking to your New Year's resolutions this far, even if 'I will not set fire to my neighbour's Audi' isn't exactly a huge amount to ask.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)Night after night of driving your taxi cab through the wretched, scum-filled streets of New York has left you feeling a little bit down in the mouth. Why not talk to yourself in the mirror all afternoon, shave your skull into a Mohican and fashion a device that helps you conceal an automatic pistol up the sleave of your combat jacket? You've earned it!

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)When you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say 'live and let live'. But nowadays you write letters to the Daily Mail demanding the death penalty for having an untidy garden.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)As you know, you do have a tendency to spend too long weighing up the pros and cons of any situation, using the fact that you are deliberating to further prevaricate and avoid taking any of the actions you say you are spending your time considering. But at least the rest of us can go about or day without bumping into you and your big, moon face.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

This week try drawing a picture of your worst nightmare using only black and red crayons and then posting it to Richard Madeley. He loves that sort of thing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)Jupiter, your ruling planet, suggests you go out and shoot some pool, get a few beers on and then head back to his place to drink some bourbon and dance around his trailer in nothing but your pants and vest top trying to look sexy but in fact looking like the pathologically needy piece of worthless trash that, deep down, you know you are.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)Ride the ninky-nonk. And thank me later.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)Get your motor running, head out on the highway. And then carry on straight ahead unless I tell you to do otherwise. And if I should happen to shout 'BRAKE! BRAKE! BRAKE!' at the top of my voice, then just fucking brake, okay?