Russian tourists 'intent on reigniting the Cold War'

The Foreign Office has issued warnings about hostile foreign actions that have taken place across various hotspots, including many Red Sea beaches and various Turkish resorts.

William Hague, the Foreign Secretary, condemned the "provocative movements that have taken place around the buffet" and called for Russian tourists to be "collegiate and responsible when helping yourself to the rice" and that they should "respect the rights of British tourists to lamb koftas".

The international crisis is said to have originated in the Hyatt hotel in Cyprus after a Brit held a door open, and to their shock, received no thank you. An eyewitness to the event commented "it was brutal, there must have been 10 Russians that walked through and none of them so much as nodded at him!"

"The memories of the German towels-on-sun-bed row - which the Russians helped us win - are still fresh in our minds, and now it seems an iron sombrero is descending across the top of the swimming pool all the way down to the all day bar"

David Cameron has met calls to counter this by announcing "Russia continues a policy of aggression that cannot be accepted. In order to safeguard the safety of our citizens, we have drafted in the Malaga Regiment, who have been airlifted on the Manchester to Sharm-El-Sheikh 7:20am Charter flight and are looking to secure the area."