Low-Carb Diet Inventor Sues Orthodox Church Over Fasting RegulationsFebruary 4, 2005Washington, DC, USA — Richard Fadkins, founder of the world-famous Fadkins No-Carb Diet, sued the Orthodox Church today in U.S. District Court, for calling for a meatless, dairyless fast during Lent and other fasting periods. “This makes it near impossible for Orthodox people to be on my award-winning, world-famous diet,” noted Fadkins, “and why shouldn’t I be able to bilk — um — help Orthodox people too?”

Named in the lawsuit are the Rump Orthodox Church in America (RUMPO), The Former Antiochian Archdiocese of America (FAAA), the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC), and one or two smaller jurisdictions of questionable canonicity.

“I note you didn’t sue the Greeks, who make up the largest number of Orthodox Christians in North America,” noted our intrepid editor.

“Greeks fast?” asked Fadkins, incredulous.

“Some do,” informed our intrepid editor.

“We may have to expand our lawsuit,” said Fadkins.

“Ooops, sorry about that, Greeks,” said our intrepid editor.

“What on earth were they thinking, inventing this 40-day fast where people aren’t allowed to eat meat or dairy products or eggs?” demanded Fadkins. “Were they purposely trying to ruin me?”

“Was it Fadkins Diet in 19th Century Russia?!” fumed Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, COROC spokesman and five-time winner of the Annual Australian Meat-Free Cookoff.

“What does that have to do with it?” stomped Fadkins. “There wasn’t any fasting in 19th Century Russia either, I’m sure.”

“This is where you are wrong, actually,” noted Fr. Vasiliy. “Orthodox fasting is going back even further than 19th Century Russia!”

“Yeah, right,” scoffed Fadkins.

“Actually, Father Vasiliy is correct,” interjected Dr. Yeraslav Penguin, St. John Chrysostom Professor of Historical Liturgics at St. Toucan’s Orthodox Seminary and Roadside Icon Shoppe. “Orthodox fasting goes back many, many centuries.”

“You would say that,” countered Fadkins.

“Why is it that you are inventor of diet fad, and yet you easily weigh over 100 kilograms?” wondered Fr. Vasiliy.

“That’s all muscle,” sniffed Fadkins.

“It was plenty of liars in 19th Century Russia,” noted Fr. Vasiliy.

“Here we see...” began Dr. Penguin.

“Doctor Penguin? When did you become Doctor Penguin?” interrupted Fr. Vasiliy. “Last time you were quoted in Onion Dome, you were Professor Penguin, not this Doctor Penguin.”

“Enjoy it while you can,” suggested Dr. Penguin. “You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in Turkmenistan in court.”

“What makes you so sure?” sneered Fadkins.

“You can’t be serious!” barked Dr. Penguin. “Everybody knows that Orthodox fasting goes back way before the Fadkins Diet! It wasn’t invented to harm your business. Your business didn’t even exist. YOU didn’t even exist. We ... I ... they ....”

Dr. Penguin’s voice trailed off in choked disbelief.

“We’ll see,” said Fadkins. “I’ll see you in court.”

“By the way, has a judge been assigned to the case?” wondered our intrepid editor.