Fakin' it: How to survive Super Bowl 50 if you don't care about football

Do you sound like McLovin talking about beer when you talk about football? If so, Sunday presents a big challenge. All of American life will pause for a single game — making it easy to feel out of place if you don't speak fluent NFL-ese or communicate primarily through grunts, yells, statistical recitations and high-fives.

Here is a Super Bowl 50 survival guide. Here is a key that will unlock the door to acceptance — and maybe even social dominance, if you play your cards right. This spiritual pathway will not only allow you to fit in at any gathering this Sunday, it will even make you the Super Bowl-iest super bro at your Super Bowl party.

All you need to bring is a front of false bravado, topped with a healthy alcohol buzz.

Making an entrance

Dab!

Image: Kent Smith/Associated Press

When you arrive at your chosen gathering and your host opens the door, hand them the snacks and beer you brought immediately. Then, at the top of your lungs, yell "Dab!!!" while sticking your face into the crook of your arm. Dabbing is Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton's signature celebratory dance move.

At this point, it's totally jumped the shark. (Proof below: Hillary Clinton dabbed on Ellen.) But that only makes it a more perfect opening.

Also: Feel free to dab repeatedly throughout the afternoon, preferably after a minor accomplishment like cracking a beer with a lighter or throwing some trash into a bag 10 feet away without ungluing your butt from the couch.

After the big dab entrance, stroll through the party. This is the time to make a joke involving Tom Brady's balls. Sure, the Patriots aren't in this game; the Denver Broncos are taking on the Panthers. You're also a year late. But who cares? It'll be perfect.

Next, choose a seat with a good TV-view and sit down. Then, no matter your gender, manspread. Liberally.

Oh, and if you need to a dabbing lesson before Sunday, we've got you covered in this tutorial.

The 'well actually' arsenal

Is this goodbye?

Image: Ric Tapia/Associated Press

It's always important to have a few "well actually" corrections in your back pocket, both to fill lulls in the conversation and to assert social dominance. Here are two good ones to uncork — preferably on another football outsider in order to illustrate the difference between you and them.

Michael Oher: The protagonist of The Blind Side was famously marked for greatness at an early age, while he was still picking his way through a challenging childhood. He also won a Super Bowl early in his NFL career with the Baltimore Ravens, and now plays offensive line for the Panthers. So he's had the brilliant career everyone expected, right?

Well actually, Oher's had an up-and-down career and was almost out of the league before the Panthers took a chance on him this past off-season. Call it another comeback from long odds.

Peyton Manning: Manning is coming to the end of a legendary career, and he's the face of this Broncos team. So we should expect him to blow our minds on Sunday, right?

Well actually, Manning is a shadow of his former self. He can still manage a game, but can't make the sort of throws he used to. Luckily, Denver has an incredible defense and doesn't need him to be spectacular.

Assorted power moves

In addition to your "well actually" arsenal, it's handy to have additional power moves available. Here are three strong options.

The "Yeah, yeah, totally"

At some point in the game, fall into a non-football conversation with one of the actual NFL fans there. Then, just as they're getting to the heart of their story, slowly un-focus your eyes, drift your gaze toward the TV and begin listening intently to whatever football intricacy the CBS announcers are explaining while nodding your head ever so slightly.

Then, after a minute or so, look back at the person who was talking and go, "Yeah, no, totally, that's crazy."

Fantasy talk

Look up the stats of a couple players from each team before the game. Memorize just a few key numbers, then drone on insufferably throughout the Super Bowl about how they performed for your fantasy football team this season. It's a hit every time.

The ol' seat-jack

This one's an oldie but a goodie. You're sitting there, manspreading and discussing your fantasy team. You see someone else with a better seat. You make a mental note.

When they get up to pee, you get up and walk to the kitchen. You quickly return with a beer or snack and casually sit in the spot your oblivious nemesis just vacated while they're still in the bathroom. When they return, the onus is on them to make a big deal. Muhuhaha.

And if you need to, you can always bust this one out: "Didn't call seat-backs, bro."

Your fail-proof out

If any of the aforementioned tips backfire on you — which they might — you have a card up your sleeve. It's the perfect out for any Super Bowl situation.

Force one of those fake laughs that sounds like it comes from a stock photo model. Then say: "Sorry, that was totally left shark of me."

Sports Fails

1. Golf Cart Fail

This runaway vehicle wreaked minor on-field havoc following a high school football championship in Texas last December. But a heroic bystander hopped aboard and put on the brakes.

No casualties occurred, and the clip immediately became Internet legend.

2. Penalty Kick Fail

Watch out for the ricochet, goalie! This kid gets it in the right in the chops.

3. Mascot on Rollerblades Fail

What happens when you put an inflatable dinosaur on rollerblades and ask it to skate down a flight of stairs? Amazingness, that's what.

4. Flopping Fail

In sports, to "flop" is to exaggerate the force of contact in hopes of drawing a favorable call from officials. But you've got to time it much, much better than this guy does.

5. Hockey Celebration Fail

Apparently, if you hug a member of the opposite team after scoring a goal in hockey, you will get punched in the face.

6. Innocent Bystander Fail

This kid is just in the wrong place at the wrong time...to the benefit of the rest of us.

7. Representing Your School Fail

College football mascots are supposed to represent their schools in a fun, positive light — which doesn't typically include picking fights. Here, the University of Oregon's duck slams the University of Houston's cougar.

Bonus points for the sick elbow drop, though.

8. Weightlifting Fail

Not saying we could successfully lift 432 pounds above our heads, but dang, that looks painful.

German weightlifter Matthias Steiner dropped this massive barbell on his neck during the London Olympics this summer, but escaped serious injury.

9. Trampoline Dunk Fail

Sometimes, when you fail, you actually win.

10. Hurdling Fail

Why jump over hurdles when you could just RUN STRAIGHT THROUGH THEM?

File under: Never, Ever Gets Old.

11. Paying Attention Fail

After what could best be described as an "optimistic" shot attempt in a game last season, NBA center JaVale McGee showed some nice hustle getting back on defense. Only problem? His team still had the ball.

12. Judgment Fail

But that wasn't McGee's only legendary moment. Here, he shows why it's not a good idea to try dunking from the free throw line mid-game.

13. Olympic Promo Fail

For some reason, London's Olympic promotions this summer involved hanging Mayor Boris Johnson on a zipline while waving a pair of tiny flags.

Then he got stuck halfway through and it was pretty much the best, funniest, awkwardest thing that could have happened.

14. Grand Slam Celebration Fail

Major Leaguer Kendry Morales broke his lower left leg while celebrating a game-winning grand slam in 2010. This edited video provides the before, during and after rundown.

15. Slam Dunk Fail

See? White guys can jump? It's just the landing that's the hard part.

16. High Dive Fail

The announcer here sums it up perfectly. She calls this attempt from the 1992 Olympics "an absolute failed dive."

17. Piggyback Ride Fail

What begins as an innocent enough piggyback ride atop a fuzzy mascot turns into a pretty epic collision — and YouTube gold.

18. Long Jump Fail

Dude! If you're gonna pump up the crowd like that, you can't just faceplant into the sand.

19. Touchdown Celebration Fail

When you think about it, is there any better way to celebrate a touchdown than by pegging an unsuspecting spectator in the face? Bonus points for originality, at least.

20. Pro Golfer Fail

You'd think a professional golfer could put the ball in the hole with less than 16 strokes. Kevin Na — and the rest of the world — found out otherwise on this par-four hole at the 2011 Valero Texas Open.

21. Head-First Slide Fail

Well, that's one way of doing it...right?

22. Time Management Fail

Tie game, clock winding down — it's always better to get one last attempt up than just let the game go into overtime. A full court desperation heave with a 11 seconds to go is never the way to do it, however.

This classic gaffe by the University of Connecticut's Roscoe Smith came during a matchup of top teams in 2011.

23. Boogie Boarding Fail

Its veracity may be suspect, but this 2008 YouTube classic has more than 12.7 million views, despite a mind-numbing soundtrack.

24. Sportsmanship Fail

The summer of 2011 was a tough time for NBA star LeBron James. It was full of lingering ill-will for his decision to the leave the Cleveland Cavaliers and snarky schadenfreude over his initial failure to win a championship with the Miami Heat.

So it makes perfect sense that he'd let off some steam by viciously dunking on a tiny kid at summer camp, right? That's what happens at the 0:43 mark of this video.

25. Standing on a Basketball Hoop Fail

We're not quite sure why this mascot thought standing on top of a basketball rim was a good idea.

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