Penn Satire, Since 1899

Record Levels of Wimpiness Found in College Freshmen

Following a recent study that showed college freshmen were displaying record levels of stress[1], leading psychologists at Annapolis University of Indiana have recently completed a followup study of their own, showing that this year’s freshman class may be the wimpiest in the last 25 years.

The study, which covered over 10,000 students at over 500 universities, showed that college freshmen across the country are complaining about such topics as ‘economic worries’ and ‘the pressures of schoolwork’.

“These freshmen have scored record highs on ‘the big 3’ dimensions of neediness, whining, and the inability to deal with minor problems” says Dr. John Ashworth, one of the study’s founders. “We can conclude with relative certainty that they are the wimpiest groupof freshmen there has ever been.”

The sudden increase has sparked debate among universities to decide how to best manage this situation. While many university leaders were considering investing more into counseling efforts following the recent study on stress, most have now decided that taking their concerns seriously would only validate their shameless pity-pandering.

Upperclassmen across the nation have noticed the trend and are now speaking out. Samantha Horton, a senior at the University of Toledo, gave us the following statement:

[10/15 Editor’s note: This quote has been flagged as off-topic and offensive toward the people of Andorra]

But while Samantha and other students may find their antics amusing, parents of freshmen are eager for a solution to be found. Through grassroots efforts such as commenting on blogs and shouting, parents are expressing their frustration with universities for not taking full responsibility for this issue.

Amy Gutmann, President ofthe University of Pennsylvania, however says that students need to develop ‘bitchiness-reducing’ techniques on their own:

“It’s all about finding simple solutions. If your grades are bad, drop the class. If your laptop case doesn’t match your headphones, buy a new one at the Penn Bookstore! Pick up a copy of my book while you’re there!”