Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

New to this group/Seeking advice on NC

Hello! I recently read WWLTM, through the urging of my therapist, and it is very safe to say that I have relationship addiction.

I split with my ex and moved out of our home 3 months ago, and finally initiated NC one week ago. I wrote him a very nice goodbye letter, and asked him to respect my wish for NC. Since then, he has contacted me three times. I have not responded to any of his attempts.

My ex has a mental illness, he is an alcoholic, a drug addict, he was emotionally abusive and had a violent temper (especially after drinking). He also was a chronic liar and a cheater. Even though he is already involved with another woman, he continues to feed me lines, claiming he is still in love with me, regrets how our relationship ended, wants us to be "close friends," doesn't want to lose me from his life, etc., etc.

After catching him in a lie last week, I reached my limit, and finally broke away from him. Now that I have identified the fact that all the torment I went through for the past few years was not really about HIM, it was about ME, I'm feeling very empowered by my decision to finally cut off this toxic relationship so that I can finally turn my focus onto myself, and on healing the psychological issues I have carried with me since childhood.

My question is this: I REALLY want him to stop contacting me. His last message was not appropriate or nice -- he is obviously trying to provoke me. I've read on this forum that the best approach is to maintain NC, no matter what. But, I've been considering sending him a short, to the point message such as, "Stop contacting me." Would that be a bad move on my part? I just REALLY, really want him to leave me alone. I am done "playing" this sick game.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice on this matter, I would welcome it.

I had a similar issue around a week ago when I was initiating NC. Everyone told me not to say anything, to simply ignore him however I wrote him a short email and text saying to please not contact me. The ex took this as a sign that I was trying to engage in a dialogue (how? beats me) and continued to attempt to instigate a fight/insult me. I would stick with ignoring him- he will eventually get the picture and give up. Good luck and welcome!

Thank you for your reply, Daisy. I&#039;m sure you&#039;re right -- NC is the best way. I just want it to end, already! I&#039;m doing the inner work necessary, and I&#039;m making great strides... but when I get messages from him, it upsets me deeply and I feel like it sets me back. I am committed to recovering from not just my relationship with HIM, but from my deep-rooted underlying issue of trying to &quot;fix&quot; dysfunctional men while neglecting my own needs and personal growth. I&#039;ve said goodbye to him dozens of times before, but this time, I want (and need) it to stick.

Another idea I had: I am still very close friends with a member of his family... and this person knows the whole situation. If I asked this person to tell my ex that I want him to stop contacting me, would that be considered breaking NC?

Liloquoi, welcome to the group. These men are emotional vampires. They feed on the energy of any kind of contact or acknowledgement whether directly or through others. They will attempt to lure back into that web with charm, pathetic attempts at pity, or hostility. If his messages are upsetting you then simply try to not read them...their content is only hurtful to you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Big hugz to you!!

Is it possible to block his email or texts/phone calls? Change your number? I just moved out of a very similar situation (alcoholic/verbally abusive and bad temper) and he still texts me from time to time but it&#039;s like he doesn&#039;t notice that I rarely respond. I hope to get to your point of total no contact. I know from past experiences that any form of contacting him will just make him think he is getting to you. Hugs!

Thanks, ladies! I was very tempted to send him a message last night. Wrote it, in fact. But, I didn&#039;t send it, and I&#039;m happy that I didn&#039;t. Today is exactly one week from the time I initiated NC. In all the years I&#039;ve known him, I have never lasted this long. I suppose one of the reasons why I have the desire to send him a message asking him again to stop contacting me is because we have played this game so many times before, that I don&#039;t think he&#039;s taking it seriously (obviously, he isn&#039;t!). I want him to know that this time is different. I am DONE wasting my time, energy and love on this man... and I want him to know that!! I suppose the best way to show it to him is by maintaining NC, something I was never successful with before. But, ugh! This is a very frustrating process. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I will try to keep on this path.

Congrats on a week! Im still not there haha, broke NC while I was intoxicated over the weekend. I would definitely encourage you to stay strong and not have ANY contact. I know its so hard to not open messages from your ex but can you block his number through your wireless provider and block his email through your settings (I know I blocked mine on my gmail account AND blocked his number through Verizon). I also blocked my ex on facebook which has helped me SO much. Good luck

Thanks, Daisy. I know how absurd it sounds, to be proud of not speaking with an ex for one week, but it has been quite a feat, and I am proud of myself (as is my therapist, she actually seemed shocked to hear that I&#039;ve gone this long!). And every day, I somehow find the strength to continue.

I suppose if he tries to email or text me again, then I will block him. I would prefer to not have to go to such lengths, but I will do it, if necessary. Thanks for the suggestion. Also, the day after I didn&#039;t respond to his last message, he posted pics on FB of his new girlfriend posing with his child (a child who I was a step-parent to for over a year). That hurt, and it is obvious that he did that to intentionally hurt me (this is the first time he has posted pics of his gf) and to &quot;punish&quot; me for not responding to him. So, if that behavior continues, I will have to block him from FB, too.

One thing that is POSITIVE about all of this -- his refusal to respect my need for NC, sending me blaming messages, posting pics of another woman to hurt me -- is that it clearly reveals that he doesn&#039;t really &quot;love&quot; me (not in a healthy way, at least), nor does he have my best interest at heart. So, his behavior hurts, very much, but the pain is there as a lesson.... which is: Never go back! I deserve -- WE ALL deserve -- to be treated with respect, and my ex, along with many other men with similar dysfunctional dispositions, are simply incapable of that.

One week is under my belt. Now, I push for two... One week at a time. One day at a time.

And Daisy, I&#039;ve been there, trust me -- drunk texting is the worst! For that reason alone, I intentionally took a break from drinking when I initiated NC, to help me along with the process. Another idea, if you know you will be drinking, take the battery out of your phone. If you want to text him, by the time you get the battery back in and the phone turned on, the need will likely pass, or won&#039;t be as strong. Also, I have a very close friend who knows all the gory details of my past relationship. Anytime I feel the need to contact my ex, I call her first. She ALWAYS talks me out of it! ; ) Good luck to you!

Men are such pigs they feed on our emotions and weaknesess. Sad thing is I allowed it as I thought so low of myself. I am day 5 and have had no contact. He is normally the one who contacts me and I have wanted to but haven&#039;t as I know what the outcome will be. We will end up back in the sack as we always do and then the roller coaster starts again. They say time heals so I am just waiting and allowing the process. Keep your chins up and I am sure all men arn&#039;t pigs...

I had to go all the way with NC. I stopped being in any formal contact with him, but I was still looking online for his case. Even though I wasn&#039;t actully in contact with him, that alone kept me in inner conflict.

Any reply is supply. I had to learn that the hard way. Even if I was screaming don&#039;t contact me he enjoyed it.

My humble advice is this: if you really want NC you have to go alllllllllllllllll they way for it to be effective. If you have children together than maybe that is difficult. However, if you don&#039;t change your number.

I would block certain numbers I knew he called from, but he just had someone call from another number. I had to change the phone number. I have had my number for years. I am a business woman as well as a community leader, but I had to change my number. It was a hassel, but not as much of a hassel having him disturb me at will.

Now the fog has clear. My life is so much better and peaceful. I don&#039;t even cyberstalk anymore.

Pathological persons are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.

Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional blood supply from you, they hook you into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It does not always matter what emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them, even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It does not matter, they just need something, anything from you in the way of content. If they do not get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)

When you begin to break up (read my How to Break Up With a Dangerous Man E-book) he will fear the loss of emotional supply. He wont fear losing you so much as he will getting his identity and his sense of self from you and/or the relationship. He fears the loss of self or who am I without her? This is a very fragmented ego state, one which only exists thru relationships with others.

So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with (read my book). They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:

One contact he is angry, blaming, shaming
When you dont respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression, that is what I want women to do with these men)

Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things
When you dont respond

He will promise to do what youve asked for years. go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management
When you dont respond

He will get angry again--say you arent working on the relate which is why its gonna fail
When you dont respond

He will quit calling for a while to make it look like hes moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)
When you dont respond

He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else
When you dont respond

(Are you enjoying the popcorn and movie about now??)

He becomes sick, he doesnt know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease
When you dont respond

He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.
When you dont respond

He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again
When you dont respond

He will take the kids, drag your ass thru court, threaten to physically harm you
When you dont respond

He will tell you he is dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend or wife
When you dont respond

It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.

When I do phone counseling, its all the same stories. I know that women think that their experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people arent very creative and dont deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. They ONLY react in certain ways so for me, its pretty easy to predict. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.

Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.

When women dont disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of pathologicals, they are doing it because SHE wants to remain. The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about women not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the disengagement has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.

As soon as you are ready to really make the break, buy the Break Up book and then starve THE VAMPIRE. I am going to have fridge magnets made with that on there so women remember daily to not feed the vampire who is lurking near by.

Red Flag exercise:
Make a list of every red flag that you ignored and every time he treated you disrepectfully, you caught him in lies, cheating, etc. Every time you even think about contacting him, emailing, texting. Pull out that list and ask yourself: This is what I miss? THIS?
If you have to, put each and every red flag on a separate index card and tape them around your bedroom as a constant reminder of the pain of this relationship.
What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.

Red Flag exercise:
Make a list of every red flag that you ignored and every time he treated you disrepectfully, you caught him in lies, cheating, etc. Every time you even think about contacting him, emailing, texting. Pull out that list and ask yourself: This is what I miss? THIS?
If you have to, put each and every red flag on a separate index card and tape them around your bedroom as a constant reminder of the pain of this relationship.
What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.

Susy, thank you for the response! Yes, after reading through the posts here, speaking with my therapist, my close friends, and looking within, I know that you are right. NC. Period. My therapist said that I can prove I&#039;m serious through my actions, rather than my words (which, at this point, are probably empty to him because I&#039;ve said &quot;goodbye&quot; countless times).

And yes, I have been pondering about the psychopath issue. My ex has already been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and ADHD, but I often wonder if he is a Psychopath, as well. The man I was with before my ex was actually a diagnosed Psychopath, as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (plus, he was an alcoholic, a drug addict and both emotionally and physically abusive). A lot of my ex&#039;s personality traits are almost identical to the one before... so... he may very well be. In any case, I will RE-read WWLP, because I&#039;ve already read it! I poured through that book during my relationship with the last one. I think it would benefit me to revisit it again now. Thank you for the suggestion!

And I must say, joining this group has been a tremendous help to me... and it&#039;s only been one day! It is comforting to know that I am truly not the only person going through this. It&#039;s difficult to get support from the people closest to you when they simply don&#039;t have the same problem... and it&#039;s unfair to expect them to fully relate. But, here? It feels great. This is a very supportive group, and I am beyond thankful that I found it.

Yes! I saw red flags with my ex THE DAY WE MET! Yet, I chose to ignore them. I definitely saw several flagrant red flags, and consciously chose to turn my head from them. I think, because of that, I have been struggling with a lot of self-guilt... like, why didn&#039;t I follow my intuition? What is wrong with me?

I think that a BIG part of why I chose to ignore the red flags was because I still hadn&#039;t recovered from my 2 year (live in) relationship with my previous ex. When I met my most recent ex, I was about 6 months out of the last one, and definitely hadn&#039;t put the pieces together. I was nowhere near ready for another relationship, but I didn&#039;t know that because I still viewed myself as a happenstance &quot;victim&quot; of my ex. So, when I met my last ex, in comparison to the one before, I thought he was an angel. I remember thinking to myself, &quot;Oh, this man needs my help! But, it will be so much easier than the last one, because he&#039;s nowhere near as fucked up. Maybe the reason I endured so much with the last one was because it was a form of training for this new one... my TRUE soul mate. I got this! I will &quot;fix&quot; him, and then we will live happily ever after.&quot;

But, now I know that all of this mess stems from a sickness, a psychological dysfunction... and that alleviates a lot of my guilt. Now that I am aware of these things, my number 1 responsibility is to address the underlying cause, stop playing the game and move forward with my life with the full commitment to break my unhealthy cycle.

I will absolutely follow through with the red flag exercise. Just off the top of my head, I can think of at least five situations that were absolutely unacceptable, disrespectful and abhorrent. Five, at least! I am certain that if a woman who doesn&#039;t have this love addiction went through even ONE of them, she would have ran for the hills screaming!

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