Friday, November 6, 2015

On the Block #18: REACHING FOR SUNSHINE 11:50 AM

TITLE: REACHING FOR SUNSHINEGENRE: MG Contemporary

Faith needs to win $1,000 in the writing contest. Or else her family might be stuck living in church shelters. Forever.

I’ll never forget the first morning I woke up inside a Sunday school room. As the early morning light cast shadows between our cots and the Bible bookcase, I rolled over and read the words pinned to the Bethel Brethren Church of the Redeemer “Be Who You Are” bulletin board:

Honest, Humble, Helpful, Happy.

I shivered as another “h” word flashed through my mind:

Homeless.

“Faithee?” Perched on her cot, my little sister Hope hugged a rag doll with sausage legs and yellow yarn hair. White, cotton ball stuffing popped from the doll’s seams, which wasn’t a big surprise, considering that thing had been glued to Hope’s hip since last summer, when Gramps died.
“Shh,” I whispered. “Mama’s still sleeping.” My eyes flitted to the three garbage bags slouched against the Bible bookcase, my jeans and t-shirts bursting through the plastic drawstrings holding our life together. On the window ledge above Mama’s cot, a withered rosebud from Gramps’ garden delivered a powerful pain, smack dab in the center of my chest.

34 comments:

I know there's that old convention about not starting a book with the main character waking up, but I think you've turned that on its head here because it's such evocative imagery and drops us right into the conflict. Maybe she could contrast her current surroundings with the familiar sights and smells and feels of her bedroom at home to give us an ever deeper sense of her loss/change, although you have great details already that support it. I really love the descriptions: sausage legs on the rag doll, drawstrings holding our life together, etc. We're getting a ton of set-up in this opening and it's really well done! I'd definitely read on!

I love that last line so much, and I'd definitely keep reading. One thing that I think could be stronger is the line about the rosebud. Instead of just saying it delivered a pain, maybe emphasize what it reminds her of and what it represents that she no longer has — my guess is she's missing more than just Gramps and his garden. Good luck!

This is such a tender, sweet moment between two siblings. I, too, love the descriptions, especially of the rag doll and wonder why it, in particular, has been glued to Hope's hip since Gramps died. Was it a gift from him? And the "plastic drawstrings holding our life together" - that line is powerful and heartbreaking. I already feel for this family and cannot wait to see how they find their way back home, even if it looks different than before. Best of luck!

This opening has my heart. You've set up everything for me--the setting, the characters, the situation, and the showing not telling (which you've taught me so much about)! My heart breaks for Hope desiring the simple act of going to school and the older sister who is already a sympathetic character both because of her situation and the sweetness she shows toward her younger sister.

The only thing I wondered about was the comma between "white" and "cotton ball stuffing." I tried to Google the rule about commas after colors and couldn't find a steadfast rule but thought it was worth bringing up.

There is such lovely language in this opening -- the garbage bags, the hands tracing a path. I'm not sure about the first line. It feels a little too "looking back" to me, but I love the bit about the "h"s. These paragraphs tug at my heart and make me want to read more!

I was entirely gripped by your opening page. You've managed to really make the reader feel what Faith is feeling. This is what we mean when we say "show don't tell." The "plastic holding our life together" is incredibly evocative, and so closely aligned to your character.

I might suggest moving the doll to a later point or better incorporating it. The intense focus on the dolls physical appearance took me out of that particular moment as you're introducing Hope. She needs to be the focus first.

This brought tears to my eyes. It's packed with great emotion and imagery. Specifically I love how she brings up the word "homeless" right away, "drawstrings holding our life together," and "tracing a path." I love that right away we see Faith in a care-taking role with her younger sister. As far as a critique, I'm not entirely sure about the first line, as it almost sounds like she's looking back over years to this incident. Also not sure there needs to be a comma after the word white. But overall, this is an amazing opening, and I would definitely keep reading!

This is really lovely. The only thing I don't love is the very first line - it's not the starting with waking up b/c you make clear really quickly that you're starting w/waking up for a reason. It's more "I'll never forget..." It feels retrospective and sort of a cliched way to start a book? I think you could just cut that sentence and start with "As the early morning light..." But I love the writing, the imagery, the emotion you've packed into one page. And it might be upper-MG, but I don't find the voice too old for MG at all. Nicely done! Good luck with this.

Love the premise, and the gorgeous, evocative writing. One line seems extraneous and could disappear (or move elsewhere) for pace, since we already know that Gramps died:

On the window ledge above Mama’s cot, a withered rosebud from Gramps’ garden delivered a powerful pain, smack dab in the center of my chest.

I respectfully (and strongly) disagree with comments about removing the first line. I think it works well and establishes setting, and the intriguing sense that Something Is Not Quite Right, since they are sleeping in a Sunday school room. Line 2 is very long and complex for an opening, but works well right where it is.

I love this and am dying to read the rest! I can tell this book is full of emotion and heart. As for the first line, I think you could just start with "the first morning I woke up in a Sunday school room..." or something like that. It's pretty clear from your scene that she'll never forget that experience. Wonderful opening!!

I love this! The writing is beautiful and the scene is rich and poignant -- love the "h word", the drawstrings, the imaginary path... I'm not a fan of "I'll never forget" because, for me, it seems to put distance between the reader and the story, but otherwise, this really works for me. I'm hooked!

What a great opening! I can't wait to read more about these girls. My only input is on the opening line. "I'll never forget" is too generic, so lose it. I agree with an opening along the lines of: "The first morning I woke up in a Sunday school room, I rolled over in bed and looked straight at a sign that read XXX" Something like that slips up RIGHT into the action. Well done!!!!

Only feedback -- the tagline didn't evoke the same reaction in me. Pinning one's hopes on a $1000 writing prize seemed a bit unusual and far fetched. I realise your MC is a child (age unknown) and so may think these goals are easy and attainable or may have no other ideas and feels stuck with that as her only hope. But I still had that mental blip of being unsure whether I could accept that as the single, driving goal for this MC, and whether that sort of behaviour (writing and writing?) would sustain me. I'd broaden the tagline to include anything else she is doing to fight the homelessness. It might increase that sense of desperation, urgency, and hopelessness, and have us pinning our hopes on the writing comp as well.

Very nice excerpt. I know who your character is, where she is, and what her problem is. I know where they came from. I know she has a good relationship with her younger sister. I know her grandfather recently died. All in 250 words. ANd it's written well, too!

My only suggestion - if you're telling the story as it happens, perhaps cut the first sentence. It makes it sound like all this has already happened, and now she's telling us about it. If that's the case, leave it as it is.

I, too, am all in here, and it's not easy to find suggestions to make. You accomplish so much in 250 words! I know who the girls are, why they're here (I suspect Grandpa's not being around anymore is at least a partial cause of their homelessness), where "here" is, and I love the lines about the drawstrings, the doll, the rose. I love their names; they tell me something about Mama. I love the fact that you show Faith looking after Hope; it makes Faith instantly likable and counteracts any concern that she might be a "poor me" type. Also, we get a glimpse of how homelessness immediately changes the rest of life as well. The girls aren't even sure if they'll be going to school.

I would cut "white." Readers will picture cotton-ball stuffing (which I'd hyphenate) as white. I don't think your second sentence would work as a first sentence; you need something preceding it. I do agree that my (minor) hesitation over your first sentence lies in the phrase "I'll never forget." Is there a way to rewrite it without using that phrase? I would also change the second reference to the Bible bookcase to something else. The piano bench? The craft cupboard?

Your tagline is clear, easy to grasp, and packs a punch at the end. That said, my first impression was that trying to win a writing prize wasn't strong enough action. The stakes -- possibly permanent homelessness -- are great, but a writing contest doesn't suggest that the book will have much action.

I really enjoyed this. It was very touching. I don't have a lot to say, so I'll mention the only (nitpicky) thing that stood out to me. The "garbage bags slouched against..." Slouch gives me the image of something only partially full, but these bags seem to be nearly bursting with jeans and t-shirts.

I think everything you need is here in this opening: a relatable mc, tone, voice, and the coming challenge. I especially like the last line of this excerpt. My only wish is that the opening line was just a strong -- "never forget" seems a little cliche given the depth of emotion you show in the rest of the piece. Great work and good luck!

Great language! Your alliteration works well. How about changing the withered rosebud phrase into a metaphor for more effect? Simply change /delivered/ to /was/. Your technique of using a colon and starting the next line with /homeless/ is effective. I agree with others that your 1st sentence is telling instead of action & showing. I do think that starting with the 2nd sentence is better. In your 6th paragraph shouldn't /swishing/ be /swished/ because you have been writing in past tense? I agree with others that you have set up a good emotional connection to the characters that pulls the reader in. I would like to read more.

I just thought of something else. In your 2nd sentence you could add in /sun/ to /light/ to make sunlight, which begins the symbolism of sunshine that you have in your title. Your use of language and action makes the reader see mental images of your MS. Well done!

The first line captured my attention and made me read on in a way that early morning sunlight would not. Maybe if you skipped the first phrase, "I'll never forget..." you would gain the immediacy without dimming my curiosity. It's pretty clear that homelessness is the main conflict. This sounds like a good story. Good luck!

I love this. The only thing I tripped over was: "a withered rosebud from Gramps’ garden delivered a powerful pain, smack dab in the center of my chest." Maybe eliminate 'smack dab?' I just had to re-read it 3 times to understand what you meant, but maybe that's just me.

Agree that you started with waking up but that it works - very nice. The premise I thought could have been one sentence. At first I questioned the $1000 because that doesn't get you out of being homeless, but for a kid, that's a ton of money and from that perspective it could be the solution to helping your family. Loved the maple-syrup imagery and tracing it on sister's back - nice work!