Q&A for Teens: The Only Observant Jew

I’m the only observant Jew in my community, my family, and my school, and I feel so alone.

I'm a 15-year-old Jewish girl, and my parents are not observant, I don't leave near any Jewish community, and I attend a non-Jewish high school. My classmates and people around me are so different from me. I feel like I don't belong here. Though I am (or at least try to be) observant, I don't know what it's like to have a family Shabbat meal, I've never gone to synagogue before, nor I don't know what a typical Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, or Sukkot is like. I'm the only observant member of my family, and they're usually questioning most of the mitzvot I try to observe. It hurts to be away from other Jews, it hurts to feel like I don't belong here and it hurts to feel like I'm alone. Why did God put me where I am?

Lauren Roth's Answer

Did you ever notice the one kid on the playground eating carrot and celery sticks when everyone else has cool, nacho-flavored corn chips? Those would be all six of my kids!

Yes, we eat healthfully in our family – and for years and years and in the many cities we’ve lived, my kids were the only ones. Now it’s changing a little bit – people in general are a little bit more cognizant of healthful eating, so my children are perhaps not the only ones with the cherry tomatoes instead of cherry sour candy balls, but my children all still feel and know: we are different.

And guess what? The eldest ones have recently told me the following comments:

“Mom, I am so grateful we always ate healthfully. The kids who used to make fun of my apples are older now, and they say things like, ‘You’re so lucky your mom cooks healthfully – I try to eat that way but I don’t know how!’ And they’re asking me what to eat and how to make it!”

And:

“Mom, you won’t believe it! The girls all crowded around my salad today and said it looked so delicious – and they’re planning on bringing one tomorrow for their lunch!”

And:

“Mom, do you know what I just realized? All those years of eating fruits and vegetables and nuts and whole grains when everyone else just ate whatever their taste buds desired really developed my ability to do the right thing, and not just to follow my cravings. I think it helped me accomplish that in a lot of other areas of my life, too – the self-discipline to do what’s right, instead of what just tastes good.”

You, dear reader, are doing what’s right. And although it might be lonely to eat your blueberries on the playground while everyone else has blueberry Jelly Bellies, you’ll be healthy, fit, and strong while they develop jelly bellies. And you’ll have a healthy, strong self-discipline and resolve while they have not (yet) developed that. Doing the right thing might be lonely, but it is so much more noble and better for you in the long run, instead of being a mindless part of the masses.

Did you ever see “The Wave?” It’s an excellent short trigger film, commonly shown in high schools, which demonstrates the power of thinking for yourself and doing the right thing, and not just being part of whatever wave happens to be sweeping through your peers at the time. (I encourage every teenager to watch it.)

Doing the right thing can be tough and lonely, but you have the tremendous satisfaction of knowing you’re doing what’s good, what’s proper, what’s best for you and for the world.

I have a story, to illustrate. This story happened to a person I really respect. We’ll call him Bob. Bob travels a lot, and he was visiting City X. When Bob returned to his hometown, Joe asked him, “So, did anyone say ‘Hello’ to you in City X?” Bob replied, “Well…I got an aliyah (called to the Torah during the prayer service).” Joe persisted, “Yes, but, did anyone say ‘Hello’ to you?” To which Bob answered, “Um…no.”

When Bob told me that story, I was extremely disappointed. I wasn’t disappointed in the people of City X; I was disappointed in Bob. I already told you Bob is a person I respect greatly. I was disappointed that Bob didn’t do the right thing: if he wanted people to say “Hello” to him, all he had to do was say “Hello!” to each of them! He would have been doing the right thing, and changing his own reality.

Here’s how that story applies to you: you say people question your observance. I have a solution for you: just you go about observing mitzvot, happily and confidently. Be friendly towards everyone around you. Eventually they’ll stop questioning you, because they’ll see that whatever you’re doing is making you into a nice, happy, confident, friendly person who lives her life with grace and aplomb. People will wonder what secret you have that makes you such a pleasant addition to their social circle. Tell yourself daily – or hourly! – “I am doing the right thing, and that is worth a lot.”

I remember growing up in Memphis, Tennessee, and being the only observant teenager in many of my social circles. Yes, I often felt alone because of it, but because I practiced my religious beliefs with happiness, confidence, and friendliness towards others, usually other kids were interested in hearing more about mitzvot from me.

Also, being the only observant one helped me understand exactly what I was supposed to be doing, and why. Because my peers would ask me. They wanted to know: “Why can’t you go to McDonald’s with us?” “Why can’t you go to the movies with us on Friday nights?” “Why don’t you touch boys?” “What is this Sabbath thing all about?” I had to know the answers so I could explain my actions to them. That helped me deepen my own understanding of my observance.

The truth is, what you are experiencing now exactly mirrors the extremely painful summer I spent at A Summer Camp I Won’t Name when I was 12. I had just had my bat mitzvah, and I had become more observant than I was before – and more observant than my family and friends were at the time. My parents checked out this Jewish summer camp, found out that it had great facilities and activities (which it actually did), found out that it was kosher (which it actually was not), so I went.

You have to understand – back in the 1980s, before the advent of the internet, if you were a newly observant 12-year-old in Memphis, you would not know much about the wider Jewish world, and neither would your parents. I found out that the camp wasn’t really kosher when I was on an overnight canoeing trip (by the way, my canoe tipped over and my sleeping bag and all my clothes got soaked in the river – so I had to sleep all night in a wet sleeping bag, and awoke with ants crawling all over me – YUUK!!). I randomly glanced at the ingredients of the hot dog rolls and saw the word “LARD.” FYI – lard is pig fat. Not kosher.

In addition, the kids in my bunk consistently made fun of my observance. When they ordered in pepperoni pizza (another clue that the camp was not kosher!) and I told them “No thanks – I can’t eat milk with meat,” they made a mockery of it. When they didn’t want to clean the cabin, they’d stare straight at me and say, “I can’t clean the cabin – it’s against my religion!” then dissolve into laughter. It was so bad that when our bunk had its turn on the ropes course and one of the activities was for each of us to stand on a high ledge, with our back to the rest of the bunk, and, as the ropes course instructor said, “TRUST your bunkmates that they will catch you, and fall backwards into their waiting arms!” I said, “NO WAY!” And skipped my turn. Murder avoided!

But something wonderful happened to me that summer. I had brought along with me a life – preserver: my siddur. And I would go down to the lake every day and cry and pray and pour out my heart to God. I think it ended up being the most spiritual summer I ever had.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. She is the weekly "Dear Dr. Lauren" columnist for Ami Magazine. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Visitor Comments: 28

(26)
Simcha,
October 18, 2012 11:31 AM

Having an independent mind!!!

Now at 52 years of age, I will recall a couple of personal experiences as a teenager which may shed the light on your situation. The junior high school (7th thru 9th grade) that I attended was a white non-Jewish school with a small percentage of blacks as well. It had a large student body of approximately 2,000 students of which I was the only Jewish student. I was consistently verbally abused by the other students; thank G-d, not physically abused. I was proud to be Jewish even though I was not observant. I grew up in a traditonal conservatve home. I had two friends in the school. One of the boys who befriended me and always defended me against the other students was a big tall black boy. Also, the teachers always defended me against the other students especially due to the fact that I was an excellent and well behaved student. When the principal, who was extremely tough and that all of the students were afraid of and despised except for myself who liked the principal, found out that I was being harassed by the other students, he immediately took action and eventually the students apologized to me. I stood by what I believed in and did not give in to any of the other students. Another case was when I was in a non-religious Jewish fraternal organization which I entered at 14 years old. It was a very good group of boys and I was very active, at one point being the Sergeant-of-Arms and at one point being the treasurer. I was the youngest in the group being in the ninth grade while all the other boys were in the 11th grade. When they left the group after the 12th grade, I was the oldest in a group of newcomers who were in the ninth grade while I was in the 11th grade. They started smoking marijuana which I was totally opposed to. Instead of G-d forbid following in their footsteps, I just left the group. I NEVER caved in to pressure. I always had an independent mind which is the way I was raised which I am thankful for until this day.

(25)
Bob Rabinoff,
October 18, 2012 7:00 AM

Only one in town

I live in a small town in rural SE Iowa. We do have a Jewish community here (because there's a university in town), but to my knowledge I'm the only observant Jew in town. I'm no longer a teenager so I don't have those pressures, and thanks to the OU there's plenty of kosher food to be had, so most of the physical stuff is taken care of. But the spiritual stuff -- ah, there you have to go out and look a little bit. Use the internet for learning. Buy books -- thanks to Artscroll and now Koren as well, there are beautiful Hebrew-English editions of Tanach, Talmud, commentaries -- almost whatever you want. I taught myself to read Hebrew and Aramaic thanks to Artscroll. When you can of course, try to move to somewhere where there's a community that can support you spiritually, but while you need to be the only one, take the opportunity to turn inward and grow your relationship with Hashem and your relationship with yourself. B'hatzlachah!

(24)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2012 4:22 AM

It can be fun being you

As a teenager my husband went with his friends to Dairy Queen during Pesach. He didn't make a big deal out of it - and he ordered a banana (they make banana spits - so he figured they'd have a banana available.) 35 years later they still joke about it when they get together. It's easier when you do it with a smile.

(23)
Sarah,
October 18, 2012 2:17 AM

yes, please connect!

I am awed at your courage! But please don't do it all alone! There are lots of resources; find a mentor (partners in torah, torahmates), find a shabbat host in a town near you (www.shabbat.com), experience a summer in a religious environment with girls from similar backgrounds (camp nageela, the zone, sternberg), experience a shabbaton with other teenagers (NCSY, JEP). Wishing you a lot of luck!

(22)
avruham benzion,
October 18, 2012 12:20 AM

the making of a true daughter of israel

todah raban you will shine samongm israels daughters . a woman ov valor who worth is more that rubies

(21)
Anonymous,
October 17, 2012 9:30 PM

Someone Invite Her For A Shabbos !

Dear Dr. Roth,
All the advice above is great. But the young lady said she is not sure what a real shabbos meal is, a Yom Kippur is all about. Someone should invite her and take her (since she is young) to an Aish or Discovery Seminar. Someone should invite her for a weekend Shabbaton. Someone should reccommend a list of REAL Jewish camps she can attend. Someone girl or lady should recommend authentic jewish web sites, like Aish. Com, BeingJewish.Com etc. A lady or a girl from Partners In Torah should contact her, abourt learning on the phone with them once a week. A girl or a lady should send her an Artscroll Catalog for good reading material !!!! Maybe she can spend a Shabbos with you in Lakewood. Please forward my suggestions to this Bas Yiroel.
Thank you very much.
Yecheskel M.

(20)
Aaron Shafter,
October 17, 2012 5:29 PM

College Can Change Your Environment

This advice won't help you immediately but it will eventually. You should investigate whether you could attend college at an institution like Stern or Touro. There are also colleges with a Young Israel on campus on the East Coast. There are many more around the country with a Chabad Center. Attending university at many of these institutions would allow you to lead a Torah observant life and to learn what it means to be a Torah observant Jew.

(19)
Anonymous,
October 17, 2012 4:54 PM

incredible!

This is amazing advice! I'm in a similar situation at my very secular university and this is exactly what I needed to hear.
Stay strong, letter writer! :)

(18)
BoruchK,
October 17, 2012 4:47 PM

Just a brief moment

I am also a baal teshuva and in my younger years I wondered why did I have to be different. Fast forward several years later and I am married, have children and have my own house. Because I was once alone, I made it my mission to help out the singles and host them for shabbos meals at our home. We do shabbos hosting much more than the average frum from birth and in the future, Hashem will reward us very handsomely for that (aside from the huge fun we have in hosting now). It is health to go through problems in life so that you may acquire a better understanding of others and be able to emulate Hashem in helping them later.
Having said that, the other thing is that you should try your best is to keep growing and trying to connect with other religious people. You can use shabbat.com to go to people's houses for a shabbos and Partners in Torah to learn Torah with someone over the phone. This is just a passing stage in your life. If you continue in it, God willing, the day will come when you will have your own religious home.

(17)
Anonymous,
October 17, 2012 3:56 PM

wow, but there is muchy more!!!

What you told her was wonderful, and the wonderful people who gave her places to get in contact with, but there is SO MUCH MORE ADVICE TO GIVE!!!
1. Try to find a beit chabad in her area
2. if she has a computer - there are hundreds of sites to connect and learn about yiddishkeit;
a)torahanytime.com
b) yeshiva world news
c) chabad.org
d) aish.com (I just HAD to say it!!)
3. If her parents allow, let her finish high school in Israel., or somewhere in the U.S. Most likely she won't want to come back!! or go to a seminary (later on )just
Don't give up, EVER.
4. Order books from 1800eichlers (not eichlers.com)
that would be your best choice for the moment.
5. Find a rebbetzin (maybe from Chabad) who can explain to you how to tell your parents that you NEED to get out of that school and that horrible environment and be with people who you can connect with. Your neshama is BEGGING for it.
Hatzlocha! (Good luck!!) May you merit to have a fine yiddishe home and naches from your future family.

(16)
L.S.,
October 17, 2012 1:08 PM

Excellent advice!!

Lauren--you gave excellent advice to this young lady!! To the religious girl: you are demonstrating strength, conviction, and maturity well beyond your years. Being religious is the right way to live and you are reaping an even bigger mitzvah by being religious in an environment that is not supporting your goals. You inspire me greatly, and I am not a teenager anymore. One day, you will be able to move to a larger Jewish community. I have a lot of respect for you! Yassar Koach to you!

(15)
Chani Silver,
October 17, 2012 12:41 PM

Please connect!

You are not the only one out there in those circumstances! Technology allows you to connect to others - reach out!
For about 2 years now I have been conducting on-line study sessions for Jewish teenage girls who are not in a Jewish school. I currently have about 5 girls who come regularly. I am just in the process of expanding this program through Project Sinai. If you are interested, please email me at bctlearning@gmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you!

(14)
Salem,
October 17, 2012 1:58 AM

Rock On!

Umm... did teenage me write this letter? Teenage Girl- you are AWESOME for being observant. Never doubt yourself. Yeah, it will be hard some days, being different always is. You will graduate, you will move on and your LIFE WILL GET BETTER. Remember- you are not alone. For a while I let the "other kids" win. I tried, honestly tired, not to be Jewish. Do you know what happened? Part of my died. I honestly felt dead inside. Don't let that happen. Be true to yourself always, despite all that stands in your way.

(13)
Rim,
October 16, 2012 11:23 PM

Wow

So beautifully written, I couldn't have done a better job.

(12)
Miriam,
October 16, 2012 5:51 PM

You need a support group!

Can you google NCSY and find out if there's a chapter you can join? You sound amazing!

(11)
David,
October 16, 2012 4:04 PM

Please be strong and keep doing the right things.

Young writer, I feel such empathy for you. I also grew up in a non-Jewish area in a family where only I tried to be observant (my mother would make BLT sandwiches for my older very assimilated brother). It was tough. I felt that there was no place I belonged. But it got better, much better. I attended a college with a large Jewish population and an active Hillel. I finally felt I was around people who understood, appreciated and shared my intellectual and spiritual values.
All that was many years (OK, decades) ago for me. But as Ms. Roth notes, perceptions can change. As people my age begin to reconnect with people from their past, I have heard from several of my classmates who tell me how much they admired and respected my dedication to my faith, and how they would think of that at times in their lives when their faiths were challenged. It would have been nice to have heard that back then, but the point is we are blessed with the greatest gift of all, Torah. Follow your sould and spirit, and I promise, it will get better. Be strong for you are following a righteous path. As Midrash Rabbah teaches, all beginning are difficult. But they are rewarding. All of our prayers and wishes for you.

(10)
Dan,
October 16, 2012 3:43 PM

Jewish soul

Clearly, the girl's Jewish soul is crying out to be free. That needs to be pointed out to her, to let her Jewish soul be her guide.

(9)
Anonymous,
October 16, 2012 1:08 PM

Practical suggestions

It may just be that there is a family in your area who do keep the mitzvot, but you just don't know about them. It is worthwhile contacting your closest city to at least ask. Apart from that you may be in a situation whereby you can go to a boarding school to be with other teenage girls who are just like you, or if not maybe even to a camp in the next holidays. I am certain that there are Rabbis and outreach workers who would be pleased to come to meet you and your family. Don't give up on your beliefs: there will come a time when your own family will be happy to see that you have chosen the right path. My friend has two children who married and live in New York whilst she lives far away. They are religious and she is secular. Now at the bar-mitzvah of her grandchild she said in her speech how proud she was of her whole family, and how she wouldn't have it any other way.

(8)
Katie,
October 15, 2012 12:09 AM

You're Amazing!

I just want to tell you that you are amazing, and I would know because I'm in a similar situation, although I am a mere two years older (17), but I've been going through this for a while already. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please, like Michelle, ask aish for my email. Good luck with everything!

Malka,
October 15, 2012 6:30 PM

I am your age, and I am also becoming more observant. I am the only observant girl in my family and I go to a public school where most of the students are Jewish but not observant and look down on those who are. It especially took me a lot of courage to slowly start dressing fully tsniut according to Jewish law.I went through a lot in that school but baruch hashem its my last year. I can't believe there is another girl exactly my age who is going through the same thing. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will stay strong and always do what you know is the right thing to do.

(7)
Anonymous,
October 14, 2012 11:20 PM

Wow! I too am the only observant one in my family. Please don't give upon doing mitzvot. I eon't give up either.

(6)
Lifted up,
October 14, 2012 9:13 PM

You are not alone!

You are not alone, you have a connection to Hashem, and a bond that no one or nothing can brake, not even loneliness, Hashem is with you, open your eyes, open your heart, fear Hashem, and be Kadosh unto Him, dand you will see that all the comments are true, mazel tov in your journey and path, I am on mine,, peace.

(5)
noam from jerusalem,
October 14, 2012 8:14 AM

to have a spine

a 15 y.o. girl with a spine is a rare species in our world. u have no idea how attractive you will look to someone who will understand the sacrifice you are going through. The 'Thalmud' say 'where there are no people - try to be one'. Even the wording shows how dificult it is. But you are that one.
Besides, visit israel with the 'taglit' project.
good luck

(4)
Malka,
October 14, 2012 4:26 AM

Wow! I can tell you are going through a lot in becoming observant when the people who are closest to you are not. I feel like I can relate to you because I am also a teenage girl who is becoming more observant and it is a bit of a challenge for me because I am the only one at home who fully keeps Shabbat, I am the only girl in my school who keep the laws of tsniut(or at least I try to) and I take on whatever I can upon myself. The only advice I can give you is always be strong and proud of what you believe in and do what you know is right and Hashem will help you. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to you can ask aish for my e-mail(I don't want to post it publicly).

(3)
Michelle Brodsky,
October 14, 2012 12:46 AM

I want to let you know that I'm here for you. I am going through a similar situation, and I'd really like for you to email me.

My name is Michelle, and I'm nearly 14. My parents aren't frum, and Baruch Hashem, my brother is. Thanks to him, I've been able to maintain my desire to become frum. I would really like to talk to you. Please email me: xxblazingfire@gmail.com

(2)
LVSteveo1,
October 12, 2012 7:13 PM

Becoming Observement

I'm 73 years old & became (more) observant about 17 years ago. It's a journey - I'll never be a 'black hatter' but as years roll on we (my wife & I) r more committed to our heritage & level of immersion. Keep on your path of growth - ur real friends w/n desert u. . .

(1)
ana,
October 12, 2012 3:44 PM

Wow, Lauren!

You are so strong and so many will benefit from your story and your strength.

Steve Puzio,
October 14, 2012 12:52 AM

To Laura

I live in a community where I'm the only jew (observant or otherwise). I know how alone you must feel. The key is to do as many mitzvot as you can so that you keep and treasure your inheritance. That is very important. One day, will be old enough to llive your own life, marry, have a family and for them, you will THEIR treasure.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...