Finding the sweet in the junk!

Monthly Archives: September 2015

“You have a 75% chance of becoming an addict.” My mother’s sister (my aunt who helped raise me) was the one who shared those most valuable words with me.

I don’t remember how old I was when I first heard those words. They didn’t sting or hurt. They were a gift. They were meant to be used as a tool for being aware and making good decisions. They made a huge impact on me. I understood the significance. I understood the power behind those words. I understood through those words I had the ability to help change a generational curse. I had to take action. I had to be proactive. I understood it wasn’t just my future that would be impacted…but my kid’s future…their kid’s future. So many generations stood to be impacted by choices I made and continue to make each day. Our choices don’t just impact the here and now – they can forever alter the course of our path. Our family’s path. Good and bad.

My family had been plagued with addiction for many years. My mother, my father and so many other loved ones have been terrorized by addiction. Too many have lost their lives because of this disease.

I knew from the moment I got pregnant I would be fighting for my children’s future. Looking back through my family’s history, genetically and statistically – one of my two most precious gifts from God would have to battle things that could lead them to addiction. For me, I only saw war. Me fighting with all I had…to save one or both of my precious gifts. I tried to tell Scott but I don’t think he ever really understood. Not the significance. How could he? He hadn’t been robbed by the devastating disease like I had. His heart hadn’t ached from addiction the way mine had. He didn’t really understand we were in a war against Satan to save our boys. He didn’t understand Satan was waiting and watching for the perfect opportunity to strike.

I watched. I prayed. I reflected. I analyzed. I learned. I educated. I talked. I prayed some more. I talked some more. I was open and honest about addiction. About my mother. About my pain. About mother’s pain. About other family members. About anything and everything that could help save my boys. Because that’s what I was doing – trying to save their life. I needed to give them tools. I needed them to see differently… to be watching and be on alert for the thief who comes only to steal and kill and destroy. Because he was waiting. He was waiting and watching for the perfect opportunity to strike.

I watched. I waited. And then it began….

Suddenly what seemed like out of nowhere, in the ninth grade my precious son started exhibiting different behavior. At first it just seemed like worrying. It would start on Sunday nights…he would begin to tell us how he didn’t want to go to school the next day. Not your normal fussing about school. It was hours and hours of excruciating worrying. Shaking, rocking and tears. He would make himself so sick with worry that he would throw up. We were worried and at a loss. We tried everything…listening, redirecting, and being stern…anything we could think of. We were worn out, frustrated and at a complete loss. We had no clue. It continued to escalate each week. Something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I questioned. Did something happen? What is going on? “No, nothing happened,” was always his reply. He couldn’t explain it. We couldn’t understand it. There was no rhyme or reason. It was sporadic and paralyzing. Then we started getting phone calls from him while he was at school. He was panicked and tearful…he was begging one of us to come and get him. He said he couldn’t stay there. It was heartbreaking! Scott was stern with him. He even went to the school and tried to line him out. We tried babying him. We spoke to one of our friends who had gone through something similar with her son. Her information was helpful. We researched. We spoke to so many. We tried every possible thing we could think of. Day after day, week after week, month after month…it continued. Nothing worked. He was scared. We were scared. Then I knew…we were in the battle. This was the war I had been preparing for. I had to fight with everything I had to save my sweet boy. He had inherited my mother’s anxiety. I was devastated. I cried. I was angry. God, how can you allow this to happen? My parents and my son?

I knew it was something far beyond his control. Both my parents suffered from anxiety. I believe they both self-medicated which had contributed to their life path and journey of addiction. My sweet boy wasn’t going to be taken without a fight. I would fight with everything I had to change the course of his future. I knew if he didn’t find some relief – he would eventually look for relief on his own in the form of drugs and alcohol. This could be deadly for him. Our family isn’t like others. One drink can hook us and create a dependence making us powerless. I wasn’t going to watch him as I had watched my mother. My heart ached.

After nothing we did was effective, we sought medical attention. But even as a nurse it was excruciating to maneuver through the process. Not any doctor was good enough to care for one of my most precious gifts. It had to be one who specialized in this kind of thing. It had to be the perfect one. One who would listen. One who would spend time with us and with him. One who would take the time to understand our family history. One who wasn’t just pushing pills. We needed help. Root cause help. We needed someone who would care. Really care. Not just care for the 20-40 minute appointment but about his life and future. After much searching and many tears…we found a doctor who helped us a lot and then not so much.

And then a couple of bad choices were made and God allowed consequences to happen. We worked through those consequences to create positive change in our lives. Those bad things ended up being great blessings. And then during a very scary thing – God sent us an angel in the form of a beautiful caring doctor. One who got it, who understood and truly cared. She is one of the most understanding, knowledgeable, caring, compassionate doctor’s I have ever met. We were in the middle of a crisis. She helped us more than I could ever express. I love her! We are forever grateful for her. She helped us change the path we could have been on.

We’ve learned a lot. I have learned a lot. It has taught me more about mother and what may have contributed or led to her life of addiction. Mother’s addiction and all that was lost is still painful. But it allowed me to have more empathy instead of judgement. We believe sometimes God allows you to go through things so you can help others. That’s our reason for sharing…to help others.

I am so proud of him. He seeks to learn and researches. He isn’t perfect and has made mistakes just as I have. He is thoughtful, kind and considerate. He has a heart of gold. He is loyal and compassionate. He stands up for what is right. He has taught me so much. He loves his family. He tells his brother he loves him before he goes to bed or leaves the house. I don’t know very many young men who so freely give the “L” word – especially to their brother. They both tell each other they love each other. I love my boys. They warm my heart and make me proud.

Learning to tame his anxiety will be one of his greatest life accomplishments. Something to be proud of not embarrassed of. It will be far greater than any job, education or high paying salary he could ever strive to obtain. It will be one of his greatest life successes. He is changing the course of his future, the future for his kids and generations to come. We are right by his side cheering, guiding and loving him. We are so proud of him.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks can be debilitating. They are so misunderstood. They can stop you dead in your tracks.

It’s been 5 years since it started and we’ve learned a lot. We will share…as my sweet guy is ready. He is still battling. We are still battling. But we’re on a great path and we will win!

John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (NIV)

Sometimes our greatest conflicts are within ourselves. When we change ourselves we change our lives! One of my favorite quotes is…Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That is truly insane!

Here are 9 lessons that can help you deal with conflict and can ultimately change your life:

Get real with yourself.

If we want to grow, we must be real with ourselves. Whether we like to admit it or not, most all of us are hypocritical and talk out of both sides of our mouth on certain subjects. Oh sure, we tell ourselves we aren’t but when we take a real look we find out we haven’t been honest. We preach to others about things they should be doing but fail to do those things ourselves. Like when we want our kids to respect us but we fail to respect them. Or we say one thing and do the exact opposite. Look around you. You can spot it in other people. But it’s harder for us to identify it when it’s within us. Sometimes, after I have posted something that sounds awesome or inspiring but don’t realize I am struggling with it myself, God shows me how I need to improve in that area. That’s hard. It’s like when your kids take your favorite line and use it against you to make a point. I hate it when that happens but it’s a real opportunity for me to grow. Sometimes I ask myself, what would the people who feel like I have done wrong by them say about me in a particular area? It’s quite humbling to mentally walk yourself through what you think they might say. But you can’t do it when you aren’t real with yourself. It’s hard and it’s painful but it’s so worth it. Getting real is life changing. We’ll never grow or be the person we want to be until we get real with ourselves.

2. Stop being hostile!

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

A lot of people build themselves up by tearing others down. You’ve seen it. It’s a great post and you are in agreement and just about to like it and then there it is…ugliness. They turned that beautiful meaningful post into ugliness. If only that last part would have been left off. Hostile people build themselves up by knocking others down. Why? Because it makes them feel better about themselves and it’s hard to be real. It means we have to acknowledge our own bad behavior and then make positive changes. It’s hard. We have to quit focusing on other people and turn inward. We have to look at our own ugly and do something different. It takes a really strong and wise person to be able to see themselves for who they really are. When we continue to make ourselves feel better by judging others harshly while giving ourselves a break…we are ultimately only cheating ourselves and those closest to us. We can’t see who we really are. We only see the good parts of us but we show others the junk. But the ugly judgmental parts of us will spill out and others will see them.

Look inward. Ask yourself – What is it that I need to improve? What is it that I need to do differently? What am I continually struggling with? What can I do to create something different.

3. Stop being a victim

Blaming others for our short comings and circumstances is so much easier than taking responsibility for our own actions. It’s easier to focus on other’s faults and blame them for things. I could easily blame my mother or parents for everything bad that has gone in my life because they weren’t there for me or a hundred other reasons I could come up with if that is how I wanted to focus my energy. However, if I chose to do that, I’d only be robbing myself of a better life. There are things that are out of our control. But there is so much more that is in our control. So when we focus on the junk instead of focusing on the positive and actively creating better – well we end up being a victim with a victim’s mentality instead of being empowered and growing. I’m thankful for all those people who helped me when my parents couldn’t. They helped me see a better way.

On that same note – I’m not implying we shouldn’t identify the disappointments and hurts and work through them. I’m just saying – keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the pain. Rise above it. Do something good with it. Grow and be empowered!

4. Show people – don’t tell them!

In my world, there have been lots of empty promises and empty words. I believe the intentions were there but still…empty promises and empty words. Sure they look and sound great but with no action they are meaningless. So as bad as it sounds, I don’t put a lot of stock in people’s words. It’s their actions that mean something to me. You know…Actions speak louder than words. I’m a huge believer in “showing.” People can say and write the most beautiful sounding things in the world but with no action they can be pointless. Or even worse when their actions are total opposite of their words. However the opposite is true for actions. A person can say nothing but do great things that mean so much. People of positive action impress me. Empty words can be frustrating. Show people what you want them to know.

“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You know what’s worse than empty words? Actions that are the total opposite of what we speak. When we say one thing and do the opposite…that stinks! Make your actions match your words.

5. Communicate effectively – Speak through the tough stuff

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.” – Captain (Cool Hand Luke)

Have you heard? Poor communication is the number one problem with relationships. When we use text, email, social media to communicate with others, there is a good chance things won’t come across as intended. With either party. You can’t see body language, tones or pick up on anything that might alert you that things are about to get crazy. Things are easily misinterpreted when we don’t speak to the person directly. Speak through the tough stuff. We have to communicate in an effective manner.

Many of us try to communicate with people in a language they don’t speak or understand. We sometimes have these long drawn out conversations with people and both parties walk away with a totally different take away. In the medical field we use “teach back” in an effort to avoid this. It is a great method of communicating. An example of teach back is to say something like…”So this is what I hear you saying…” Then you repeat what you think you heard the other person say. It gives the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstandings. Instead of just ending the conversation and thinking you got the point when in fact – you totally missed it.

6. Lose the crazy expectations.

Through mistakes, hard life lessons, seeking knowledge, surrounding myself with wise people and by the grace of God – I have gained wisdom. I’ve learned I do some dumb stuff. Sometimes we have dumb unrealistic expectations. Of course we will be disappointed when we have unreal expectations. If I had told mother she had to be clean for 30 days before I had anything to do with her – that would have been crazy. Of course, I think I might have done this in my younger years. Because I do crazy stuff. Thankfully I figured out that she didn’t have to be clean for any length of time. Otherwise – I’d never have spoken to my mother. My rule changed to – let’s talk when you’re clean. That was a better rule. The truth was – it wasn’t good for either of us to communicate when she was messed up. Sometimes we have dumb rules and dumb expectations. Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved for my mother to have had years of recovery but she didn’t. So instead of missing out on her sober self. I got to enjoy short glimpses.

7. Grow some empathy

Most of us want to be heard first. We want people to listen to us and what we have to say. We aren’t interested in understanding others. Empathetic listening is when we get inside another person’s frame of reference. We see the world from their perception, their view and you understand how they feel. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement. Sometimes people feed on sympathy and it can makes them dependent. Empathy is understanding that person – fully and deeply. It doesn’t mean you agree with them but you can understand where they are coming from. When I finally got to the place in my journey where I had empathy for mother – it changed my world. I lost the anger. I still cried, hurt and felt disappointment but I didn’t get so angry anymore. Having empathy is empowering too.

8. Set healthy boundaries

Boundaries are important to keep your sanity and for healthy relationships. There has to be rules. Just like earlier I mentioned, my rule (or boundary) was that I’d interact with mother on her clean days. That was a boundary I set to protect myself and my kids. When mother drank she was mean and ugly. The interaction was emotionally draining and took days to get myself back in the right frame of mind. I didn’t need that in my life nor did I want it. So I set a boundary to protect myself and my kids. It was also a good boundary for mother because with less interaction on those days – she had less to feel guilty about. And it protected her from the aftermath of dealing with my frustration and disappointments. It was just better all the way around to have that boundary. People can change and deserve to be forgiven – over and over again. Just like we deserve the same. However, you aren’t a rug. So don’t allow yourself to be treated like one. Set some healthy boundaries for yourself. If you keep finding the joy sucked out of your life when you are with a particular person or when you interact with them – limit the time you spend with them. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them or can’t have a relationship with them. But you need to stay healthy. Surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you. People can and will drain you. Sometimes they will suck the life out of you if you let them. So protect yourself and them – have healthy boundaries!

9. Learn humility

You have to learn humility if you want to live the life of your dreams. Humility is not weakness. It is a quiet confidence. Think of the greatest leaders in the world – they possess humility. When people lack humility they are full of themselves and frequently tell everyone how awesome they are. It is hard to communicate with these people because they aren’t open to outside input and are so busy boasting about their own greatness that they are unable to learn from others. Learn humility or you will be humbled. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. You’ll learn and grow from those mistakes. Be open to learning and growing. Some of my most favorite people are the most humble. They will never ever tell you all the great things they do. But if you watch them…you’ll see. That’s what makes them so awesome!

“It is not always about you. Embrace this and it will protect you from pain and open you to growth. There is always someone bigger, faster, stronger, and better looking. Attach to something larger than yourself, compare your growth not to others, but only your previous self. As you desire to balance and grow your life, you will experience failures along your journey, so you will be humbled. Respond with gratitude, learn, grow and keep pushing.” – Oola Find Balance in an Unbalanced World.

I walked into the liquor store and went straight to the checkout counter. The man standing behind the counter asked if he could help me find something. I nodded. I was slightly embarrassed and a little nervous. “I need some really cheap vodka. It’s for my hair,” I quickly stated. I knew what he was thinking…sure lady it’s for your “hair.” Wink. Wink. I wanted to tell him it REALLY was for my hair. A bunch of us make this awesome recipe with Vodka and essential oils. But I knew he’d think I was just covering for my own addiction. I wanted to tell him how much I hated vodka – that it had killed my mother. It slowly and painfully killed her 5 months ago. But I didn’t. He showed me a few cheap brands. There it was. The one I really hated. The one I had purchased several years ago when mother was still alive. It was the first and last time I had ever bought it for my mother. It was the last time I had ever purchased vodka.

My mind took me back to that painful time…

Out of desperation, I had driven to the liquor store with mother in the car. She had been drinking heavily for a long time and I knew if she didn’t get more alcohol she could die from life threatening alcohol withdrawals. Going against everything I believed in, I drove her to the liquor store and while she sat in my car in a very bad way, for the first time in my life I went in and purchased what she needed…and the very thing that was killing her. I purchased the cheap brand she had asked for. I had never bought my mother vodka before that particular day. I had always refused because in my mind I was contributing to her addiction. I wasn’t going to spend my money on vodka she was slowly killing herself with. I had learned over the years to stop giving her money. It made me angry when she used it for a substance or alcohol. I somehow felt it made me part of her addiction and I tried desperately to separate myself from it. But the truth was I couldn’t separate myself from it and she always found a way to get the things her body and mind desperately craved. At one point, when she was still driving, I thought I was a genius when I had decided instead of giving her money I’d just put gas in her car. But somehow she always managed to outsmart me and still managed to somehow use that gas to get her substances. Walmart cards worked the same way – she’d trade or sell those too. I could never completely separate myself from the darkness.

Earlier, the same day I purchased the vodka for Mother I had found out about more darkness my mother had been living through. The kind of darkness you only see in movies. The kind of darkness that doesn’t happen to those you love. Something bad had happened. Something unbelievable. Something that made my heart hurt whenever I heard of those things happening but it disgusted me and broke my heart that it had happened to my mother. It made me cry and it made me so angry that she kept doing the same things over and over again. Everything was spinning out of control. It was so much worse than in years before and the years before had been excruciating. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t know how to help. All I could do was limit myself. Protect myself from the toxicity and pain. Powerlessly sitting by and watching the destruction she was creating and causing was paralyzing and heartbreaking. I wanted desperately to make her stop but I couldn’t. The truth was – I was as powerless as she was. She had to want it. She had to do the work. I couldn’t want it for her or do the work for her. Everything was getting worse. All of the ugliness centered around her powerlessness of substances which happened to be vodka at that point in time. Mother had always struggled and always been powerless to drugs and alcohol for as far back as I could remember.

The day I bought her vodka, I had so much hope. Because of the darkness (I can’t bring myself to share those details), I had brought mother to our home. I was going to save her. I was going to move her closer and protect her from the evil that surrounded her. The evil she was a part of. The evil her addiction was holding her hostage to. My plan was to ration her vodka so she could get sober and I’d find her a clean little apartment and get her help. I told Scott my plan. He agreed. He was in charge of rationing the vodka out to her a little at a time until we had her tapered off of it. It was too heavy for me to give my mother Vodka. I couldn’t emotionally handle it. But Scott could handle it. It didn’t create the pain for him like it did me. That illusion of saving my mother lasted from a Friday to a Monday.

Everything was going well according to my brilliantly stupid plan, or so I thought. It was Monday evening and I was driving home from Mason’s baseball game when I got the phone call from Derrelyn. She was laughing hysterically. She said “have you talked to your mother?” We all had a pretty crazy sense of humor. “No, why?” I questioned. Derrelyn replied “She’s drunk. I just got off the phone with her.” Derrelyn was still laughing. Dang it! I was pissed! She found the vodka Scott hid from her. I thought he put it in a place where she couldn’t find it. She was so resourceful. I was disappointed. I thought she wanted to get better. Derrelyn was still laughing. She was trying to tell me more but she was laughing so hard. I was so mad! She kept on…“That’s not all.” Oh goodness! What else? She was laughing so hard she could barely talk. Which made me laugh too. She kept on…”she walked around your neighborhood knocking on doors until she found someone to take her to the liquor store.” Derrelyn laughed louder. My heart sank. Holy Cow! I couldn’t believe it. Derrelyn was still laughing. She wasn’t laughing because she thought it was funny. She was laughing because it was so stinking crazy and that’s how we dealt with the crazy. We laughed through the craziness. That’s how we got through it. We inappropriately laugh. How the heck did I think I could just whisk Mother away and save her? I started laughing and my stomach hurt at the same time. I was driving home going from being super mad to laughing in complete disbelief. Poor Madden. He had stayed at home that evening and she was there. Poor us. Scott and I had roots in this town. We knew people. People knew us. Whose door did she knock on? Who took her? Holy Cow! I was embarrassed and mad. Scott was on the School Board and I had previously been on the School Board. I wasn’t going to allow my kids to live through the embarrassment and junk I lived through. I was so mad at her.

I called Scott. He checked on Madden. Madden was okay.

I pulled into the garage and hurried into the house. I found mother. Of course she was totally hammered. There is no reasoning with an intoxicated person. Don’t waste your breathe. I did anyway. It did no good. I did it anyway. I asked in desperation – “Who did you get to take you to the liquor store?” Mother’s drunken slurred reply almost made me laugh “I walked several blocks over, Kandy.” Like somehow that made it okay. Like we might not know the people who lived that far from us. Mother muttered her drunken slurred words that made no sense. I was so stinking mad at her. But mainly my heart hurt. She finally went to bed. But she kept getting up and down going to the bathroom. Each time she’d mutter and almost growl some drunken hateful words showing us her ugliness that the vodka brought to life.

That night, Mason went to his other grandmothers to spend the night. He couldn’t take it. It was scary to be around. Madden and I slept in my room while Scott slept on the couch in the living room that separated where Mother was sleeping from the room his family was sleeping in…as if to protect his family from her craziness.

The next morning, I called work and told them I wouldn’t be there. After Scott, Mason and Madden were all gone to work and school, I went to mother and told her she wasn’t doing this in my house. She wasn’t going to do this to my kids. I told her I couldn’t help her if she wouldn’t help herself. I told her she had two choices. Go to treatment or go back home. She was still mean and hateful as if I was to blame for the current situation. And the truth was…in some way I probably was. She didn’t ask me to drag her to my house and save her. I just decided that’s what needed to happen. We made phone calls. She cried. I got angry. She called Derrelyn and cried and told her how mean I was being. She said I was being really mean to her. I was. I was mad. She needed treatment and I wanted her to make the right decision. But she didn’t. Ultimately she chose to go back to her house. It was a long two hour drive back down to her home. Just she and I. I had knots in my stomach. I was angry at her for once again choosing the alcohol over a better life. I had offered to help her. She refused. I cried the whole way home. My heart hurt. I was disappointed and didn’t get it. But I was also thankful. Thankful I had somehow been saved and that my children hadn’t grown up in a home filled with that junk. I hated taking her back down there but I wasn’t living this way and neither were my kids. I had to protect myself and them. This disease wasn’t stealing any more from me.

Sometimes you have to make a decision to remove people who bring toxicity into your life. I couldn’t completely remove her. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. But I had to limit the time I spent with her. Because I knew if I didn’t I’d turn into something I’d hate. If we’re honest we’ll see that as much pain as those people bring into our lives – we bring pain into theirs as well. Sometimes it’s better to set boundaries and love from afar.

I hate vodka. For me, it symbolizes the heroin, cocaine, alcohol, prescription pills and all the substances that took my mother from me. I know it’s not really about the vodka but sometimes you just need something to blame and something is better than someone. I hated it for all the ugliness it brought into my life. I know it was really about Mother’s disease and the choices she made or didn’t make. But I hate vodka!

The man said… “Is this the one you want?” I pointed to the other one. The one I didn’t recognize or have a relationship with… “I’ll take that one.” I purchased the Vodka and took it home. I made the beloved “Sassy Hair.” Stupid Vodka! It isn’t going to control my life anymore. I’ll spray that junk on my hair and wear it like I own it!