Let Me Tell You About Dream Dates

February 21, 2017

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Hello, my name is Mildred Yulo-Gonzales and I am TEAM’s oracle of love in the time of gay networking apps. My three decade-strong marriage to my husband Raffy made me an “expert” in love and romance among the young creatives I encounter in this publication. “Tita Mildred, share naman your secrets to a happy marriage so we would know how to keep a man,” they would prod me. First, stop calling me Tita. Second, you need to have a man in order to keep a man. Yes, this “Tita” is familiar with shade.

My youngest son Bryan (who came out as gay two years ago) is 21 and single. I also know that he is now interested in dating. How do I know this? I checked his phone and found an app called Grindr, the Tinder I’ve been hearing about, and another buffet of boys called Blued. I suppose this is the Holy Trinity of gay apps. It’s not invasion of privacy if I bought him his iPhone 7.Anyway, I asked him if he’s met anyone special from Blued or Grindr and the look on his face reminded me of when I asked him recently to remind me which Disney princess he loved to impersonate when he was a kid. “Oh, please. Don’t act too surprised Bry. We also had this conversation with your Ate Tessa and Kuya Gregory when they started dating. You’re old enough to be dating, and your Dad and I are mostly cool with it.”

Mostly cool with it. I say that because of two things. One, this is the first time one of our children is dating someone of the same sex, so I’m not quite sure which precautions apply (pregnancy is out of the question, obviously). Navigating this world should be interesting nonetheless. Secondly, TEAM’s Editor at Large has shown me his Grindr grid and let me tell you, the “eligible” men I saw on the app around the BGC area was not encouraging. Bakit puro mga dibdib na walang toning!? The man who will date my son should have my approval just like Bryan makes it his job to approve which outfits I should wear to outshine my amigas.

Back in my halcyon days, movies and TV provided us with dream dates that my Maryknoll barkada and I could cast as perfect boyfriends. We all fell head over heels with Johnny Depp from 21 Jump Street. That was back when he looked like he showered. Before Christian Slater became a figment of Mr. Robot’s imagination, he was a figment of mine—as the fiancé who would toast Cali Shandys with me in our Matabungkay paradise. Nowadays, I scan the multiplexes and Hollywood seems to be experiencing a drought in leading men. Where are the Tom Cruises of this generation?

I recently saw La La Land with my family and it was…just alright. The film is an homage to the musicals of the golden age and it stars the dreamy Ryan Gosling. Bryan told me that he would like someone like Ryan Gosling—handsome, multi-talented, and well-dressed. I considered Ryan Gosling as a son in law but my maternal instincts kicked in. They told me that my son will never be truly happy with Ryan. Ryan can sing and dance; Bryan can’t even find the beat in “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Ryan can act up a storm; Bryan can’t even believably scream for help if he was being chased by a rabid dog. I do not want a son-in-law who will outshine my baby boy. The Yulo-Gonzaleses should never have the shorter end of any stick. “Bryan, I get it. But if you end up with him, yours would be the least creative ship name in the history of ship names: #BRyan.”

And don’t get me started with the homogenous parade of Chrises donning spandex and camel toes. I can’t differentiate Chris Hemsworth from Chris Pine and Chris Evans. Aren’t they all the same? Don’t they all play the same character? Well, Bryan likes all of them. Of course he does.They are Greek gods with chiseled abs and perfect bone structure but not a single one of them has actually shown a hint of personality. “Bryan, you want a real hunky superhero? Go watch Edu Manzano as Captain Barbell—for reals. He is dreamy but attainable.”

But that’s it! The perfect dream date for my Bryan should be dreamy but attainable! Thankfully, I already know the perfect candidate. As an added bonus, Bryan already likes him and has bought three copies of his Chalk Magazine cover: James Reid.

James can do a lot of things—act, sing, dance, smolder, and endorse for millions—but he isn’t exceptional at any of them. James’s talents are just average. Above average at best. So my son will not feel inferior just because he cannot, up to this day and after repeated viewing, master the steps to that Milo Energy Gap dance.

Like any Mom out there, I just want the best for my children. And since my Bryan will start dating soon—or he probably already is and I just haven’t investigated hard enough—I want him to end up in a healthy relationship with the man of his dreams (and mine). Let me tell you, this love month, I have no doubt that Bryan can end up with James. I told him nga, “From New Manila, ABS-CBN is just a 15-minute drive away. Take the driver if you need to.”

SHOP

About Team

TEAM tackles how gay Filipino men relate their identity, from fuckups to fantasies, to where to go for music you can actually dance to. We may not have proper rights in our country but we’re claiming some authority by getting our words and ideas on page. And though we lack public places to convene, an open publication (and wide-open digital space) is a good place to start.