Come chill with me….

Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Incase anyone didn’t know I love to talk about relationships. I have no idea why but it just never gets old even when I am in them I can always find something to share about a situation. As of late I have been dealing a bit with my ex. He recently started to contact me and attempting to come around. Well I must say the attempts were very short lived. I figured out dude was basically trying to get into my good graces so he could have a place to stay while he was in town working 5 days a week at his new gig. Needless to say he did a terrible job of smoozing (i think) and I caught wind.

I was a little disappointed at first, simply because I haven’t been on ANY dates, and secondly because there was a glimmer of hope in me thinking he would have changed by now. Being in the sitution however made me wonder how many of us go to any lenghts to try and save something out of despiration or pure bordom. I can’t imagine what actually would have happen had I allowed this sharrade to continue.

Now that its over I wonder what my future holds. Will I be as closed as I am now to dating? will I always try to find motive behind a situation or simply just enjoy the momement? I guess only time can tell.

Has anyone ever attempted to make a situation work even though you know in the end it wouldn’t, have you ever stayed with someone because of bordom? Have you ever been blinded to being played?

As you all know I will be documenting my dating experiences on my blog. Today I am super tired from the weekend so bare with a sista!

Friday night, I went to salsa class in my attempts to “leave the house” as the book (how to find a man worth keeping) states, your husband is not going to fall out the sky so get active. I have to admit just leaving my house and doing something out of the regular was extremely fun. I got a chance to dance with this super cute 2520 which im shocked i even found him attractive. I believe since I started to go by the “no expectations rule” I was able to step out side of my 6’0 chocolate brown brotha idea.

I am suppose to be getting 5 numbers a week, keep in mind I don’t actually have to go on a date, i just have to have prospects. I must admit that this might be harder that I thought. I realized this weekend I am a bit shy when it comes to speaking up, probably something I knew but just never really had to face at any given time. Now that I am basically forced to get phone numbers i HAVE to speak up!! Unfortunately I didn’t get the guys number in class but hopefully my confidence will be up by friday because I am most def going back!!

The other experience I had was with a guy I had met online. We had been taking for a few days and while I was very interested in him he was just a little to “thirsty” as my friend holly would say lol. For a minute I was intrigued buy his persistence but then I realized that I am not suppose to be exactly “falling” for anything for at least 6 months. Needless to say I worked up enough courage to tell him that I am going to be “multi tasking my azz”. He didn’t like that and told me he wouldn’t be speaking to my from that point on because he was looking for a wife like yesterday lol.

I am glad I was able to stand up to the guy and let him know my true feelings. So many times we get caught up in the fairly tales of dating and love that we forget to check out the “True picture”. Underneath the surface of this guy was a controlling, overly dramatic, ego driven brotha. When I took off my sunny shades, I saw the true picture and it was NOT good. I pray that I will continue to see the trueness in people as I move about this process. So here are a few questions we must ask are self when we are getting involved with someone of the opposite sex.

1. Am I willing to settle for fear, there might not be something better?

So I have been out of blog site for a little while but happy to report life in and of itself is good. I have been learning new things about my self and the people around me, also getting to learn the word of God. I started going to church and I think I have found a church that I would like to join soon. Still in the process of paying off debt and continuing on my journey to debt freedom. Nothing to complain about so God is Good!!

Recently I have been getting my hands on a lot of dating books. No Steve harvey lol, but ones more geared towards Christian dating and how to go about it. Apparently there is this stigma out there about how Christians shouldn’t date and just “wait” for God to send them someone. I often wonder how is it that when we need to get a job we go out and look, send resumes make phone calls etc…. when we want to find a church home, we research, talk to people and visit those prospective churches, when we wanna to buy a house, we don’t wait for a home to pop up, we go house hunting. I believe God gives us the tools to be productive and successful in life but it is up to us to actually utilize those tools. It should be the same in dating. I don’t believe my future mate will be the fedex dude or the cable guy, so I have to get out there and DATE!!

Anywhoot, this new book im reading “How to get a date worth keeping” Has done two things so far

1. challenged me to not look at going on dates as “finding my husband” and to just meet people, get to know people and have fun. You can only be sure of what you like if you date many types of people.

2. Its challenging me to figure out why im dateless and change those things. Is it because I don’t get out much? am I shy? are there just not enough single men for me?

So I have to keep a log of new men I meet for the next couple weeks in order to shed some light on my situation. There is this guy at work I been checking for so I went ahead and asked him on a date, since there isn’t pressure to find my hubby anymore everything feels much easier, not worrying about rejections, not caring if he doesn’t fit into my “mold” etc… just having a regular ole good time with a potential friend “PF”

So I am going to try to do as much Journaling as i can so everyone can see how this is working out for me. There will be no committing to ANYONE even if i do find a guy i like, for atleast 6 months.

Yea Yea I know I know, what happen right??? After all, its only been what 3 months. It was my A.D.D I promise! sike no let me stop joking, actually its rather odd to me that I find this some what of a laughable matter. I feel kinda bad but not in a teary cry a river kinda bad, more like a “he had potential kinda bad”.

I had to break it off with “S” because as much as I wanted to NOT be in the single girls club, I felt like crap in the “relationship club”. Now everybody might be wondering “oh I thought he was such a great guy” you shout him out on gratitude fridays, and even posted a song for him”. I did, and “S” still is a great guy, just not for me.

This that I have learned about “S” in spite of his ability to, cook, take out the trash, buy me nice gifts and shower me with affection, just didn’t sit too well with me and my soul was being drained every extra minute that I stayed with him (read past yesterday). Let me tell ya….

oh and before anybody goes saying oh stop it I am just being picky n stuff just hear me out…

1. Yall gotta know S!X was at the top of the list. I am so so sorry but this woman ( right chea) will not be taking the leader roll in this department, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Some folks are meant to be teachers, heck I do teach, ABOUT MONEY but thats as far as I am gonna go so call me what you want too.

2. Work ethics he has doesn’t excite me. I lived in a single mothers home, my mom raised 2 kids practically alone and she took on jobs that thankfully didn’t involved s*x and drugs. One valuable lesson I learned from my mother is how to WORK, now I didn’t say I liked it but you better believe this girl will work 3 jobs if she gotta in order to get what she needs and take care of herself. A man that isn’t capable of that cant truly win my affection.

3. Family ties, now I will say my family aint all the best of folks but the 3 people that I hold dear to my heart and would do anything for, have very strong value systems, which I 80% of the time try to hold myself to the same standards, I slip up from time to time but over all I am still a good person. There was somethings I found out about 2 people that are close to him, that just didn’t sit well in my heart. Sure its not his fault he was related to them, but I wasn’t going to feel right being part of a family with value systems such as theirs.

“S” truly was the total opposite of these 2 people but I just kept feeling the need to tell him to intersect and fix the situation, or worse I’d fix it. But its wasn’t my place nor his.

4. I got extremely lazy, (as If I wasn’t before) lol. I have dated one man in life that didn’t make me wanna go that extra mile, take that extra class, lose that extra weight. I know men shouldn’t influence the things we do but sadly they do, even if its in a negative way. “S” didn’t give me that “you make me wanna be better” type of feeling and as a result I been slacking on EVERYTHING and that mixed with the A.D.D I already have is NOT a good look.

So there you have it, yea everything is still a bit fuzzy in my brain (i just did this yesterday) but I know It was the right thing to do. I know I had a lot of people cheering on my behalf but I have to stay true to the one person I love the most, ME. “S” is a good man, I hope no one mistakes him for anything other than that, But I would rather be a single lady than to live in a lie…

Recently I was having a discussion with the girls, about the art of the pursuit men vs women. The controversy on the subject was about how men love “the chase” and that any woman that attempts to manipulate Gods divine order will end up going without. Now everybody knows in the last 100 years women have made ample strides and have been extremely successful at manipulating the system. Everything from higher education, sports, corporate America, right down to running for friggin president, women are attempting to “do it all” But on the subject of dating, love, and relationships rules for “Taking the lead” isn’t suppose to apply.

I was told that when out and about meeting and greeting the opposite sex a woman should not under any circumstance verbally let a man know she is interested. Now I personally love my femininity but, I have never tried to “act” interested, ie the smiling extremely hard, uncontrollable ticks and winks, and the giggling loud hemming and hawing type stuff. I typically don’t walk around cheesing to no end all for attention nor do I dress in a provocative way. I am not saying these are the only ways, but for the most part you have to do “something” extreme or subtle to show interest. So why can’t I as a “new age” woman, simply walk up to a man I am interested in and say “hello”. Now I have never been big on approaching the opposite sex, however yall do remember my infamous “I Got Geico’d” story about what happen when I did approach a guy (extremely funny story), so I’m not exactly a mack when it comes to that. I do find it hard to believe that just because I said hello to a man or paid him a compliment to strike a conversation, I’m somehow now roll reversing and dooming myself from a man taking me serious.

Now ladies and Gents I fully understand that men love the chase and all that jazz, but what about those opportunities I miss for the man to speak to me because I wasn’t 100% on my sending vibes game? Am I just outta luck?? Now understand I am not talking about the boldness of ladies these days telling a dude to “Take me home” or slapping him on his ass, im just saying can I say “Hello”???? I want to fully understand how me saying hello or “your shirt is nice” some how shifts the paradigm and severely alters the don’t take my macho man creed. The shit aint right simply put.

So here I am out on a quest to “Test” the theory that I can’t be considered anything more than a jump off, all from initiation of conversation . I really do like to take advise (most days) but I also like to find out things for myself and draw my own conclusions. I could be way off guard and crossing the line on this issue but for peace of mind (drama and argument) sake I have to go out and try this stuff.

So the next couple post will be about the experiment (For the most part) And yes I will be frequenting the club scene a little bit more (sad I know). So far I have had 3 attempts to test the theory and 1 out of 3 have had some slight results, But I am on a mission to get the dirt 100% so stay posted!!

Now before every tom dick and harry gets there panties In a bunch let me just say, This post is not a reflection of what may happen years, months or even days to come. Simply put I could change my mind tomorrow but for now this is how I feel.

Why I don’t date white men or other races.

1. The first thing that popped in my head was we have nothing in common. I didn’t grow up in middle class suburbia. I was raised in the heart of detroit. Now this isn’t saying everybody was gang bangin and drug slangin but I mean most white men I come in contact with would know nothing about where I come from. I honestly don’t want to hear about why I listen to Neo soul or why one day my hair is long or the next day its short. I met a friend who was clueless and I really don’t think I have the good sense to educate him on a culture I hardly know about myself.

2. I don’t see many cute white guys. Yes so if I decided to go white, I would want him to be actractive to a degree just like i want a man of any other race to be. I just dont see to many cute white guys around here, hell I dont even see them on tv. I don’t blame black men for going goo goo eyed over women of other races because thats what they see all in magazines tv bill boards and all that. If my tv became over saturated with Fine white men or other races I would be all over it if not id be in my own town trying to find the closest thing to what i see on tv but as of now I cant even tell you what a fine white guy looks like maybe rick foxx but umm he aint white is he?

3. Where do white guys hang out? Nuff said cuz I really don’t know. U really think I like hanging in the same places as white people? maybe I need to hang around more EBP then they will direct me to the nearest white people spot.

4. Will his mom like me. I just cant see dating a white man with rasicst parents that would scare me. Its bad enough I have to live up to the standards of a black mans mother and now this?? yea right next……

5. I think all men of other races look at black women as some kinda kinky fantasy. Yea I know I really think its the society (yes i blame them) for making me believe that all white men have fantasies of doing something freaky to a black woman, I just really couldnt tell if he was really into me or just trying to fufill a dream of his, I mean like wanting a threesome or something.

6. What do I say?? If i was interested in a white male what would I say? I mean I know men approch women all the time and its more acceptable for a black man to be outside of his race than for a woman. its hard for me to even approach a man of my own race let alone another color. I would always wonder if i would get embarrassed or if he might secretly be racist or some crazy thing. I just wouldnt want to risk it.

So this is my list, If I truly had the opportunity to date outside my race without feeling so inadequate I would do it, and who knows maybe when im outta debt and can travel all over the world to many places then it might be more possible but right nah. thats a no no

See I coulda swore I was off the subject of men not calling enoughbut it just won’t go away damn!! I was sittin in my room on my laptop yesterday and over heard…………actually I was listening/ease dropping in on a conversation one of my roommates was having on the phone. This is how it went.

Guy on the phone: ________________

Roommate: I just don’t understand why he acting a fool like this I should be happy right now I am about to graduate!

Guy on the phone: Yea I feel you __________________

Roommate: I mean I been gone for 5 weeks now and I have talked to him less times than I can count on my fingers, I am busy in vet school but I always always make time to call him!! there is no way he to busy to call me.

Guy on the phone: Maybe he jealous of you

Roommate: I mean yea I thought about that. I have went out my way to deal with this and I am about to give him an ultimatum if something don’t give. Why are men such pussies when it comes to relationships. I mean I know a girl broke your heart but that was 3 damn years ago!! suck that shit up!! Thats no reason why you can’t make up your mind about not committing to me.

Guy on the phone: Yep you right

Roommate: There are soooooooo many other guys I could be dating believe that!! so it aint even about me finding another man. Can you believe I tried to check him on his shit and he got on the defense about it?? I mean if you care about somebody why wouldn’t you want to hear from them and talk to them more?? I could be salty and cheat on him but I’m not even like that.

Guy on the phone: You right I mean but You gotta understand he been through some thangs.

Roommate: We both have but you don’t see me not dating because of it. Anyways thanks for listening I will hit you up later.

Now I was going to say something but something tells me she already know plus she mighta went off on me for being in her convo lol. But anyways This roommate of mine from what I learned in two weeks since I been here, just turned 27, very pretty, smart, and about to graduate from a Historically Black college’s Vet program next month. Somebody tell me why she stressing ova a dude that don’t seem to care for her???? I have been down this path many times before but I will be damn if I am going through this issue at 27 being fresh outta college. He personally sounds like a bum but I could be wrong. Point is why do us as woman not recognize the signs that point to a man not being into us?? I mean are we really that desperate or hard up? You can only use that “We been together so long” excuse for SO LONG! there comes a point where you gotta say enough is a damn nuff! I have been there and done that and I got the T-shirt for it and my days of cryin over some guy not calling me enough are over. Plus once you experience a man that actually does right and calls you random times of the day to say hi so much so that you expect him to call, you wont want to go back to the “I aint have time” speech ever again

So what would you do had you invested 3 years with a man who is outta touch, jaded or trippin?