Gold Member

I'm kind of bothered by people's expectations of life these days but maybe I'm seeing things in a bad perspective here.

All around me I'm seeing people my age (25)getting or desperately wanting children and a relationship where basic needs are met regardless of what the future may bring, hence all the single parents.

I'm still exploring my needs and wants, I'm about to explore some modelling work and plan to travel all over the world in the coming years.
I'm in the works of starting my own business venture and trying to set some personal goals in sports as well like running in the NYC marathon.

Then I look back at my environment where people are contempt being a teenage parent and just like following nature's script or something, get your own place, get a kid and work till you die.

There are some older more experienced members here, maybe I can benefit from your experience and see if I should lower expectations as well.

I'm kind of bothered by people's expectations of life these days but maybe I'm seeing things in a bad perspective here.

All around me I'm seeing people my age (25)getting or desperately wanting children and a relationship where basic needs are met regardless of what the future may bring, hence all the single parents.

I'm still exploring my needs and wants, I'm about to explore some modelling work and plan to travel all over the world in the coming years.
I'm in the works of starting my own business venture and trying to set some personal goals in sports as well like running in the NYC marathon.

Then I look back at my environment where people are contempt being a teenage parent and just like following nature's script or something, get your own place, get a kid and work till you die.

There are some older more experienced members here, maybe I can benefit from your experience and see if I should lower expectations as well.

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Life is what you make it, so life may be different for every individual. I suggest that you don't concentrate on what to expect from life, but instead think about what you can create in life. It sounds like you are already doing that...starting a business, getting involved in sports, and joining in competitive running. In doing all that, don't lower your expectations. Expect the most out of everything you do, and always strive to do better.

You commented about "work till you die." You make it sound like drudgery. Instead of "work" think of it as "occupation"...how you occupy your time. If you choose an occupation that you really enjoy it will never be boring to "go to work." And if you take it seriously you will contribute to your life and the lives of others. Working is healthy and keeps the mind challenged.

There is nothing wrong with young people who want to settle for family life. It is natural for men and women to marry or co-habit with the intention of sharing sex and perhaps bearing children. Men and women are different physically and psychologically and being joined together affords a good balance in their lives if they appreciate that. The important thing is for them to take their relationship seriously, to be committed, and devote themselves to the care and guidance of any children that come along.

You mentioned "nature's script", and to be sure, Nature can teach us a lot about "expectations", and inform us about what we should prepare for. (Have you ever heard the fable about the ant and the grasshopper?) Finding your own place, establishing a functional family, and following your own path regardless of the paths others take all adds up to a fulfilling life. Don't deprecate a simple life.

During your lifetime you will observe opportunities all around you. Some will suit you and excite you...you never know what is just around the corner. Don't go after too much. Let life bring some things to you, and savor them.

Gold Member

There is also a girl chasing me who by all means has all the basic requirements but she is happy sitting at home watching movies and doing average things with average people.

When I look around me that's all what people are doing, and I'm thinking maybe I should settle for that too as it seems to be the norm.

I just miss people being spontaneous and adventurous striving for excellence, getting the most out of life.And as I get older the more "boring" people get, and in my view this shouldnt be happening untill your late 30's or 40's.
We're young this is the time to be living your dreams or at least try to.

VerifiedGold Member

Don't let others compromise what you want. Sounds like you may need a new environment which is more challenging and where you can grow. Believe me, I took the 'settle down' route right after college and regretted it. After a deadend relationship and divorce, I drank life from the firehose vs the straw. I found my crowd, my passions and more importantly, others who challenged me to a higher level of excellence, growth and enjoyment. Don't be afraid of life and never give in to mediocrity.

There is also a girl chasing me who by all means has all the basic requirements but she is happy sitting at home watching movies and doing average things with average people.

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That woman not living "the simple life"...she's living a virtual death. It's sad to see a person with great potential who is unable or unwilling to get motivated by any of the many opportunities around her.

When I look around me that's all what people are doing, and I'm thinking maybe I should settle for that too as it seems to be the norm.

I just miss people being spontaneous and adventurous striving for excellence, getting the most out of life.And as I get older the more "boring" people get, and in my view this shouldn't be happening until your late 30's or 40's.
We're young this is the time to be living your dreams or at least try to.

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Don't settle for anything that you don't agree with. Especially don't settle for "the norm" if you feel you can do better and go beyond that. You apparently are adventurous and should go and see and learn and enjoy and tell about all the special things you find. You shouldn't be bored even in your 30's or 40's or beyond. The more you expand your own experiences the more excited you will become with the new possibilities.

Take advantage of the many cultures that civilization has generated over the millennia, explore it all, for there you will find sources that feed your spirit, and inspire your own creativity.

Gold Member

Extensive World travel for almost two years, from age 29, (late-ish in my books) still had the wandering lust so a further year in Australia, before settling down.
Partner & a Business for a period prior to pursuing work of my choice
No formal education never hindered my progress in life, dont need no fancy writing skills to attend lpsg at this stage of life.
Perhaps lack of education was OK for the type of work i chose to do, working with people hands on .. not in that way.
Firmly believe i quite likely would not have worked with people, if i had not seen the destitute in most countries on travels, made a point of sussing them areas out.
A high salary was never an objective, middle management in most of these jobs, meant it was time to move on.

All GOOD, dont think you can set a life plan unless you have had / created an opportunity to see what else is happening out there in life
(unfortunately some dont get that opportunity)

Seems you have it sorted at this time
ALL the BEST WhiteMonst3r and thanks for the thread.

incidently
all of my large family married young, kids etc, are now travelling extensively so the opposite of me.
All Good also, it worked for them as to what you say re many of yr age are doing. now

I know it's a cliché, but they do say that if you love your job, you'll never feel like you have to work a day in your life. Of course, it takes people a while to find their true calling and vocation in life - mainly because they listen to what people tell them they SHOULD be doing as a career, rather than listening to their own heart and finding out what they truly want to do with their life.

It's perfectly natural to have these feelings. You should just do what you want, even if it's not what other people expect of you. Because at the end of the day, when you're 90 years old, you'll only regret the things you never did as opposed to the things you did do.

When it comes to relationships too, I feel a lot of people make compromises and settle for the first person that comes along. That's fine if it's what they want, but you shouldn't force yourself to do the same. On paper someone can be your perfect match - but that's often not a recipe for true love. When you know, YOU KNOW. People always make fun of me for this, but I'm only 19, and I know that the one thing that I will not give up searching for is that one true love you can't live without. And while I'm well aware that if you sit at the table holding out for everything, you often leave with nothing - but it's a risk I'm prepared to take. That's what I want out of life, and I'm determined to find it.

That's my life goal, and everything falls secondary to it. That might not be your goal - the point is, that we are all entitled to choose what we want out of life. All those people settling down to have families in their early 20s, and getting desk jobs, might be making you feel pressure to do the same. But in 10 years time, odds are that if you follow your dreams and don't conform, they are going to be jealous as hell of what you've been brave enough to accomplish.

I'm 24 (turning 25 this year) and a lot of my friends are married or in deep relationships and/or have kids. Thats just what people do in Florida because people there are very simple and complacent. Moving to NY was the best decision for me because it allowed me to be in a more pro-active environment with opportunity all around.

I got goals to achieve and i wanna travel the world not get married, have kids, and work a 9-5 for the rest of my life and die off. Thats just not life, IMO.

Gold Member

For those who seek it, a deep relationship and a family are not "lowering" their expectations... they are HIGH expectations... These are people who understand that a great relationship is hard to find... and generally gets harder to find as life gets busier and obligations grow with age.

They recognize that children, if you want them, are something that women need to start on while fairly young...

Waiting till your 40 to start a family is not very realistic, even thought folks often talk themselves into believing so... rationalizing that career and income will make a family more 'affordable'...

The folks starting families in their 20s are thinking differently... that taking on responsibility will drive their careers forward thru necessity and get them ahead of the game... and that, by the time their children are on their own, they will still have the youth, and by then, the income, to enjoy life...

None of which means that this is the path you should feel pressured to follow. If you don't want a family, or a committed relationship, if you have things you want to do for yourself, first, then you should focus on that.

But don't kid yourself that you can " always do that family thing later"...

Life is full of choices... choosing to focus on yourself, now, WILL mean giving up other options, later.

Hard to say which ones, until you can decide on a plan for your future.
Indulging yourself for a few years probably won't cost you much...
But indulging yourself can become a habit that is hard to break... you might find yourself suddenly 45 and wanting family life, envying those friends whose lives seem so much more full and connected to the future...

Or... you might decide that skipping all that has made your life far more fun and rewarding in ways that matter to you more.

Just recognize, whatever you decide, that choosing a path means foregoing other paths, other potential futures.

Believe that life is limited, and you can not have everything and you only have so much time to accomplish a Few things that matter to you, because that is the truth.

VerifiedGold Member

What 30's or 40's???? you are young.
Seriously, quit looking at others as a standard. Even if there was such a thing, which there isn't.
As you see there is no right answer to your question. Only what you decide is right for you.
Older guy here no time to ramble. I don't have much time left. :icon5:
Good Luck.

I think everyone who has responded to this post has given you really, really good advice. You should definitely take to heart all that's been said.

I kinda used to feel the way you did. I didn't take the same route in life almost every single person I know has. And I used to feel really bad about it.

But then you learn (like someone else wrote above), you can't live your life according to other people. Christina Aguilera once sang, 'Life is a journey, it can take you anywhere you choose to go!' (I know...I know. That was so stereotypically gay to quote a Christina Aguilera song...but it fits!)

I'm almost 60 yrs old, live in a small city, married, but I like to go out and hang out a few nites a week at a local pub. I know people from 22 to 70 yo. what I have noticed as the years go by, is the lack of ambition, the lack of work ethic in young people, which results in lack of money. however, the only thing that is not lacking is the "party ethic". I see couples hook up, break up, change partners. that's still pretty much the same. what has changed is the number of single moms. they outnumber the married moms easily. WTF ever happend to birthcontrol??? I see these gals date a guy awhile, some are even in the process of splitting up, and guess what? "i'm pregnant".so they combine households, "oh yeah. we're gonna get married...after the baby is born." so the baby comes, and they never get married. the couple struggles to make ends meet and then to make it worse, they split up. because they were not in love to begin with. they split custody, and invariably one Friday or Saturday nite, they are in the same bar, and "who's got the baby?' comes up, and they bicker at each other. sometimes the bickering gets pretty heated depending on the alcohol/drug consumed.

when I was young the last thing I (and the women I dated) wanted was a child at the wrong time. I have met some really pretty gals, that I thought were pretty cool and smart, and one by one, they all go down this road. they are not done with school, or they do not have any skills(other than their looks). they don't make much money. haven't saved a dime, don't really have any assets, but a 5 yo car that needs repair and isn't paid for. it goes without saying, that the child is going to have a hard life, a hard road.

Another aspect... when I was younger, I didn't want a child because I was busy "playing the field". I wanted to date and experience different women. I didn't want to settle on just dating/fucking a few. I had women whe were "dead in bed" and some "gave as well as they got". I found I needed "mental, spiritual love just as much as I needed a good physical lover, and that's what I eventually found. These young folks are cutting themselves short. Right now, I know a "30"ish couple, he's got a bright future, she is a unique gal, good looking, unending list of guys hitting on her. if I was younger, I'd be interested. she has dated on & off over the years, a few serious relationships. she's been sexually active since 16. anyway, they hooked up about 18 mos ago. the other nite he's telling me, he digs the shit out of her, but she has almost cut him off from sex in the last year, he has no idea why. they've talked about it, he has conferred with her closest gfs. it got better for awhile. he doesn't want to walk away, but hey, he's getting other offers. he's starting to think she has mental issues that are beyond him dealing with. at this point, he can just walk away. no child issues down the road. that's almost a rarity these days.

edit: I'm not saying this applies to all young folks, just more than I used to see.

Gold Member

don't be bothered much by what others expect of themselves. You sound together. Not everyone follows the same script.
But, since the economy is down about 20%, maybe lowering your expectations accordingly would be ok. When you get up in the morning, say: "Life is good and I'm following my dreams and heart!" ... only 20% lower.
Oh wait, you can't lower your expectations. never mind.

Gold Member

Right now, I know a "30"ish couple, he's got a bright future, she is a unique gal, good looking, unending list of guys hitting on her. ... she has dated on & off over the years, a few serious relationships. she's been sexually active since 16. anyway, they hooked up about 18 mos ago. the other nite he's telling me, he digs the shit out of her, but she has almost cut him off from sex in the last year, he has no idea why. they've talked about it, he has conferred with her closest gfs. it got better for awhile. he doesn't want to walk away, but hey, he's getting other offers. he's starting to think she has mental issues that are beyond him dealing with. at this point, he can just walk away. no child issues down the road. that's almost a rarity these days.

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So this guy with a bright future... seems not so very bright.

She's in her 30's... She probably feels she is running out of time to start a family... She can't "afford" any more year and a half relationships that 'seem' great and promising but that result in NO commitment...

She loses intersest because he isn't stepping up... or tries to spur some kind of 'let's build a future' talk by cutting back on intimacy... nothing more than a signal that she isn't getting what she wants out of the relationship, so he isn't gonna get what he wants...

You see the risk women run in every Kiss?

If they wait till they are older and more mature to have a family, they run the risk of only having available those men still single because they are unwilling to commit.
And that runs the risk of them investing year here or there in a potential mate, only to be left with no time left at all...

Is it any wonder that women in their 20's often grab the men who ARE willing to commit?
Their divorce statistics are no worse than those who wait till their 30s or 40s, and if having children is important to them ( and, face it, women are biologically evolved to crave children ) then what's wrong with getting them while the getting is good?

Yes it narrows their potential future choices if they have kids out of wedlock at too young an age... not all women are bright... but they are dealing with forces that compel them to reproduce... while men like you are dealing with forces that compel them to sleep around.

Yeah- that's reality.

My story... I was married at 21, had two children by 27, a house, a mortgage and a career.

the marriage did not survive its 15th year... but so what? That marriage forced me to grow up, take responsibility and focus on my career to support those children who taught me that my needs were not the proper center of an evolved and adult world view.

i do not regret that marriage nor that time spent. And my children were grown and on their own by the time I was 45. Still young enough to enjoy life and women and, finally, with enough money and an established career that it was comfortable for me to enjoy myself.

And guess what? My children, raised in a family with young parents who both buckled down and worked hard to make ends meet and build a life learned by example to be hard working and ambitious young adults who put themselves thru college.

But then... the difference between my experience and many other young people is that I gave long and serious thought to these choices... and elected to embrace adulthood at that age... I was not suddenly and unexpectedly the father of some child I never wanted because of a naive girl thinking that would cement a relationship.

In my experience, for those who have a clue as to what they are doing, marriage drives ambition... not the reverse.

Personnel managers around the world know that married workers do better, more consistent work, and are more reliable investments in company time and training.

And ALL the self employed successes I know are married... seems to me that being single is a HUGE drain on your resources, both financial and physiological.