175 Things A Man Should Do Before He Dies: Shave A Woman's Legs

Most Read

YOU'VE GOT TO ASK YOURSELF WHY. Why do I want to shave a woman's legs? Why do I want to know how? Why haven't I fantasized about this before? Do other guys fantasize about this slight, grazing touch? Do other guys actually know how to shave a woman's legs? Some do. Of course, some men know how to remind women that we are the fairer sex. They know how to rub a gal's pretty, toenail-polished feet, how to brush a strand of hair from her eyes, how to lift her chin and gaze at--no, into--her for just a brief, breathless moment before kissing. They know to wait until she's almost asleep in their arms before gently turning her to them and . . . oh, never mind, let's get back to the leg-shaving thing. Right.

Okay, so what kind of guy are you? Impatient, efficient, busy? You would be a shower shaver. A bit of soap, a "Throw your pins up here, gal," and a slap on the ass when it's over sort of fellow.

Or are you an afternoon romantic? A put on some music, fill the tub, massage her neck, her back, and her feet kind of guy? You would lather those anxiously stretched-out limbs and then slowly, smoothly abrade flesh with metal. Then kiss her toes and invite her out of her warm and soapy refuge into your warm and furry arms.

But, ah, if you, you devil, are an adventurer (or, my benign, bespectacled friend, would like to be one), I have a special plan for you. Let's have some fun.

First, you must carefully choose the woman to whom you would be of service. The shavee. Consider her mind; would she like to play? Assess the consequences; what if you both have a fabulous time? Don't tell her your plans!

Take her home, go to hers, secret her to a hotel, or go camping by a beautiful stream. Just find a place where you can be alone and have time to make your fantasy a reality. Ask her to undress only her legs and feet. Skip the lascivious longings, if you can. Keep it together. See those alluring appendages with an aesthetic appreciation. Lay her down in a marvelously comfortable place. (Now you're getting it.) Proceed with patience and joy.

As for the details, I would recommend as your softening elixir a whipped cream (fresh or canned), a clean, new razor with a fresh blade (don't use disposables--they're too rough; a straight razor is hot but scary), some fruit, chocolates, and a beverage (something bubbly).

To apply the cream, I suggest a shaving brush. Or if you prefer a more tactile pleasure, slip your hands into the pot; sense the change of texture, take the desired amount, and apply the luscious lather of your anticipation to her sticks. Don't be afraid to taste the fruits of your labor. And what does it taste like? Start at the ankle. Notice the geometry, washing off the blade after each stroke. Don't push too hard; use firm, even pressure; and pull upward. Pause before the knee. Don't forget to adore the subtle moon of the calf; insist that she place her ankle on your shoulder--look her in the kisser for this bit. And then the knees, those knobby, nubbly joints, as individual as fingerprints. You must slow way down here, Jack; small, short, rounded strokes. This is a perfect spot to show your appreciation.

Now, where do you stop? Some women shave only to the knee. Some shave all the way to kingdom come. Discern which type of gal you've got your hands on and proceed accordingly. The upper gam is more tender, and tastes like chicken, I'm told. Breathe deeply; you'll need it here.

Rinse off the cream with handfuls of water, starting at the top of the leg. Stroke downward, letting the water rinse as the pressure of your hands cleans away the excess.

Think of yourself as the Olympic drying-and-moisturizing team. Pat softly, then smooth away any tiny errors, nicks, or burns with a wonderful, fragrant oil or lotion.

Let her know how special she is and how much you're enjoying this. Be embarrassed, thrilled, excited, nervous, astounded, titillated, amused, entertained; be yourself. For this adventure, dear reader, is just the beginning. You see, if you really, truly enjoy yourself, she might let you wash her hair.