LEGER: What I learned from online comments — everything’s a big waste

A petition calling for an inquiry into the Nova Scotia Home for Colored Children. But if online commenters had their way, there would be no more public inquiries — they're an obvious waste. (CHRISTIAN LAFORCE / Staff / File)

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As a February resolution and as penance for my sins, I’ve been reading nothing but online comments on news websites. This profound research has led me to the conclusion that almost everything done in the public’s name is a waste of my money.

Here’s a partial list of things that I now see as entirely useless: school boards, hospital boards, public inquiries, business subsidies, employment insurance, welfare, native reserves, universities, government information, foreign aid, diplomacy, sports facilities, the arts, convention centres, language training, public pensions, the CBC, regulators of all kinds and, of course, the managers of almost every human activity going on anywhere.

And politicians? Don’t get me started. I now see that if we did away with them, democracy would work better and cost less.

It’s simple really. If I didn’t have to pay for things I don’t like, I’d be rich. My money wouldn’t go toward anything that doesn’t personally benefit me. I say no to waste and yes to wealth.

So if I don’t think something is important, it should be shut down. Nix the school boards and education will work better. My kids graduated years ago anyway. Fire the hospital administrators to clear the waiting lists. Hey, I feel fine. Who needs diplomats? I can’t remember the last time an ambassador did anything for me.

It stands to reason that if we didn’t have an army, we wouldn’t have war. No bureaucrats? No red tape. No environmental laws? Jobs for everyone! No CBC, no worries. The Harper government will tell me what I need to know.

But don’t stop there. Force the universities to stop teaching philosophy or Italian and make sure nobody takes a course not directly related to a job. Better still, don’t spend the money at all. Tuition is free in the school of hard knocks.

Public inquiries are an obvious waste. We already know there were abuses at the Home for Colored Children, that was in the paper. Why find out more? The RCMP is a cesspool of incompetence and corruption, but why drill into it? I don’t want to know.

What really gets up my nose after 25 days of reading the comment boards is this idea of spending my money to promote any kind of economic activity whatsoever. So when Michelin, IBM, BlackBerry, Pacific West and the like come knocking, I say give them the bum’s rush. It’s not up to us to make them feel welcome. Love us or leave us.

And once we’re done with employers, we’ll turn to workers. Or non-workers, I should say. Let’s establish right here and now, as the commenters so astutely point out, that employment insurance is a waste. No job? Move to Fort McMurray. Problem solved.

The arts, they’re a pit of waste. Don’t try to distract me by pointing out that all the cultural subsidies in the country add up to less than half of one per cent of government spending.

Just think how great the country would be without the Canada Council, the National Film Board or all those wasteful art museums attended by absolutely no online commenters. They’re just warehouses for pictures that any six-year-old could have painted. Do we need the Art Gallery of Nova Scotia? Some of the paintings aren’t even from here.

Same goes for museums in general. Kids can learn about natural history in school. Or the Halifax Citadel, why bother with that? We already know who won all the wars: Our side did or else we’d all be speaking French, German or Mi’kmaq.

What say we cut funding for all the bureaucrats, artists, politicians, regulators and Indians? I estimate we’d save at least a quadrillion dollars a year, money that I and commenters like me earned by hard, honest work, not the easy, dishonest work that other people do.

I see now how deluded I’ve been. I always thought running a big country like Canada was complicated. Now, thanks to a month of comments, I know better. It’s simple. And it didn’t cost me a dime.

Dan Leger is a freelance journalist in Halifax. Twitter: @dantheeditor