It’s been long since I don’t write a post, maybe because I’m back home and all inspiration is gone or maybe because I’m filling my spare time with cooking and some books and I’ve left aside the writing. I don’t know. But the fact that I’m not writing doesn’t mean I’m not getting my reflections, I still get them, they just pop up in my mind but they do when I’m not able to sit down and write, and that’s annoying.

One thought that crossed my mind last week was the already known by me: no one is good enough for me and I’m not good enough ever. Ouch.

Back in Argentina, after a psychoanalysis session, I went back home and share some of my reflections with my roomie. As you know, mainly what you talk in the session is about your childhood and parents who are, to my opinion, 99% responsible of the BS you face in your adulthood. So yes, we talked about my dad and somehow during the session it came out how he wanted us (daughters and son) to be if not perfect, at least close to perfection. So I was telling that to my roomie and I told him how my dad always wanted to have another son (he only had one and was not of his pleasantness) so he tried to look for it and instead he got two more girls (one of those would be me). For life’s things it seems he tried to have another son out of marriage but he didn’t get it either. Poor thing! :)

So, my dad, he always wanted the perfect boy. After I pronunced those underlined words, Josel and I crossed looks and immediately understood that all of my life I’ve been wanting to be that perfect kid, and that’s the reason why I always look for perfection which is not correct, it affects me and my relationship with others because I tend to expect from them the same as I expect from me and that’s not ok. We’re all different human beings. I’ve been wanting to please my dad all of my life unconciousnessly even when he undervalued me every time he could. I’m pretty sure that now he has seen all of my efforts and for the first time he’s proud of me. Also here’s partly solved the OCD mystery in my life!

So yes, I wanted to be that perfect daughter and I never was. I never achieved that. There was always something that I lacked. I could never fulfilled my dad’s expectations, therefore not mines either and that’s sad. After been rude to myself for years and judge all of my actions, I realized I’ve been my own worst enemy and that I haven’t been flexible enough to allow a margin to err in my life, so I took consciousness that I had to change and it’s no secret that I have and I’m still working on that change.

I tried to relax and release and started to give permissions to myself, permissions to do the things I have limited in my life such as: eating in abundance, buying nice things for me, having a good nap and meeting random people. In my morning meditations I started saying to me some affirmations and the theme of them is “I allow me to…”, so, of course on top three is “I allow me to fail and commit mistakes, I allow me to err, I allow me to be flexible and fold, I allow me to be imperfect”, that’s number three. Number one and two I’d rather keep them to myself at the moment.

And this is also the reason why I tend to see what other people lack and point their mistakes out because they’re not good enough for me, and this is the reason why I can’t find the perfect guy either, because guess what? He doesn’t exist! (Even though one time I was really sure I’ve found him, damn it!)

I know I’ve been mean and selfish to me and to others but the good thing here is that now I can read myself and amend what needs to be amended, it takes time and courage but I’m in no rush now and I’ve been cast in iron, so chances are I will succeed. I’m encouraging myself to commit mistakes and on purpose I’m exposing me to fields where I know I will fail or get hurt just for simple fun. Don’t I deserve the freedom of being imperfect? Imperfection.

This may well be my last post of the year. I started writing it when I was leaving Argentina and just finished it today. It’s quite a summary of my 2016 in Buenos Aires:

It comes a time in our lives when we have to choose among many different things that we would like to do. The sad thing about choosing is that as much as you get something, you surrender to another thing which might be as exciting as what you chose (sometimes even better! sometimes even healthier)

This year I got aware of that, and as silly as it may sound, before this year I never considered I had the option to choose. After a bad desicion in March I learned what this means and its consequences. Not going into details of what happened because much I have mourned about it. Although just for the record, I’m trying to amend my bad move and giving me a second chance on this, so hopefully this time I will succeed. But this post is not supposed to be about that.

What I try to say in this post is that I’ve chosen to leave Buenos Aires and not to come back in 2017. As much as I like this city, which I like to call “my city”, I know I have to move on and I know I deserve another exciting move in my life, that’s why I’ve chosen to head north in 2017. It’s really sad to leave the city that allowed me to literally swallow again, that’s enough to owe it so much. Nevertheless, I have to say that this city also introduced me to amazing people that I wouldn’t have met if I wouldn’t have been here. It was here where I started writing and where I (along with my therapist) realized about many different traits of my personality. Should I say again that it was here where I found the man of (not even) my dreams?

It’s been a fantastic year all over the way that I never imagined I would have! I still remember when I landed here in February with no established plan and kind of scared because of my mental barriers and look at me now, some pounds on and a new haircut!

From Villa Urquiza to Belgrano, Barrio Norte and back to Belgrano. I missed to live in Palermo, which is “my neighborhood” btw. How many weekends spent jogging, walking, eating and drinking beer in Palermo, oh Palermo mornings, afternoons and evenings! That’s what I’ll miss the most from this beautiful city. If I ever come again for vacations, which I do not discard, I’ll stay in Palermo for sure, as I say, I’m a Palermo chick!

From Alanis Morissette to Snow Patrol. These two were my music companions in my trip, they were the soundtrack of my year and of my heart. First 5 months Alanis and 5 last months Snow Patrol. SP lyrics are so intense that I wonder if these kind of people exist and are even real? How can someone say all those beautiful things in his songs? How can someone write with so much passion? And more importantly, how can someone live in so much passion? I know it’s possible because I live in passion too but I, for real, haven’t met someone as passionate as I am… yet. Definitely, I need a Gary Lightbody in my life, and this must be ASAP. I need someone to inspire as someone inspired me to start writing a book this year, so, here we go again: from blogs to books and back to blogs. Right now I’m out of inspiration so I’ve put on hold my novel.

From La Panera Rosa to Pani and getting stuck in Pani. It usually happens to me that I get stuck in so much places, circumstances and people and that’s not good, I now know that and that’s something I have to work in. It’s time to mention all the places I ate in Buenos Aires, shouldn’t I? The list is very long so I will list them at the end of this post.

5 movies, 1 series, 9 books, 25 dates. From yoga to jogging, pastry course, sweet bread course, tango classes, guitar lessons, Cordoba, Mendoza and Rio de Janeiro. I still owe to myself Uyuni salt flats, which I have decided to visit with the love of my life. Until he arrives, I’ll keep travelling in 2017 to other places.

From a borned and raised New Yorker to some inexperienced German hands, and some innocent kisses in between with other people.

From home to an office, from loyal friends to a treason that I thought was going to hurt me more but it’s amazing how it doesn’t! Life pays back.

From laughs to tears, from health to sickness, from sun to cold, from skirts to jeans and back to skirts.

From me to you and then to us. I have certainty that this time it will work… LOVE&FAITH

I don't want to give you toys or goods, I want to give you goodness and kindness. I want you to get to know the world as it is, with its ups and downs, with wealth and poverty and I want you to be conscious of that.

I want you to meet people that are less fortunate than you and I want you to be grateful to God for what you have. I want you to get into scarce places and walk on your feet through that path. I want you to be empathetic and solidary, I want life to shape you as you live it and I want you to fight for your goals and dreams.

I want you to find it hard to get where you want to be so that you can unleash the power inside you to achieve great things. I want you to embrace your life experiences and not to let end a day without having challenged yourself. I want you to rebel against anyone if it's for defending your beliefs and ideals.

I want you to laugh hard and to cry even harder, I want you to learn lessons from every failure. I want you to meet that person that will eventually become your partner and I want your heart to be broken at least once because that will mean you've experienced love.

I want you to value the world and to be valuable to it, I want you to give something in return and to leave your trademark on earth. I want you to spread your smile everywhere you go and I want you to channel your energy positively. I want you to meditate.

I don't want you to get mad, but I expect you to speak up. And most importantly I want you to leave your soul in every action you take, I want you not to live in fear and I expect you to be brave enough to face your most hidden ghosts as this is the only way you can have a life of quality. Lastly, let me remind you that life is not about money or things, it's always about PEOPLE&LOVE.