For a while, Trooper Joe and I were tied for bagging distracted drivers.

"We got us a live one," I was startled to hear myself say.

I'd gone on the ride-along for a front-row seat to the latest "Phone in one hand, Ticket in the other" crackdown on illegal cellphone use. As a chronic offender myself, I also thought I'd do a little Robin Hood recon and pick up a few tips to get around the po-po.

But that was before the lights and sirens, before the intoxicating power of the law.

And before being schooled by veteran state Trooper Joseph Smigel.

Bad news, fellow violators: Save your tears. They have absolutely no effect on Trooper Joe. Same with sob stories and pretty girls. Consider that he gave his wife a speeding ticket before marrying her five years later. For better or worse — except for a lead foot, I guess.

And unless you can come up with some creative excuse for why you're talking or texting when cops pull you over, don't bother — especially if you go the route of one woman who used her kid as a scapegoat by insisting that she was only holding her child's toy phone. In one hand, maybe. She had her phone in the other. Fibbing got her a $100 ticket.

Harsh, many of you said when I tweeted about the latest enforcement. Maybe. But not as harsh as some of the realities of being on the phone behind the wheel: People die because of distracted driving. In 2009, the U.S. Department of Transportation reported that nearly 5,500 people were killed on U.S. roadways that involved distracted driving. And even if you escape such tragedy, state police say that drivers are four times more likely to be involved in a car accident if they use their phones while driving.

And before you start griping about the hypocrisy of cops being on their phones, here's the perhaps unfair skinny on that: Apparently, cops, firefighters and emergency personnel can use their phones in the line of duty. Mind you, I don't buy for a second that the Hartford officer who Trooper Joe and I passed happily chatting away on his cellphone was on official business. But good luck fighting that.

The excuses abounded during my ride-along on the I-84 corridor in Hartford:

"I was just hitting the speaker button," one weepy woman claimed.

"I was checking the time," a rattled man on his way to work insisted.

And my favorite: "Don't you have any pull with him?" a man asked me when I told him I was riding shotgun with Trooper Joe. I laughed. He didn't — especially after Trooper Joe handed him a $200 ticket for his third offense.

Look, the law is simple. Keep your phone out of your hands while driving — and, yes, that means even when stopped at a traffic light. Because as I learned fast, chances are that no matter how slick you think you're being, you're not. You're inevitably going to get caught, and forget about getting that ticket dismissed if you show proof of acquiring a hands-free device. That ship has sailed.

Trooper Joe insists that there's no quota, but he did admit to a friendly in-house rivalry with Trooper Scott Prouty. The title of top ticketer goes back and forth between the two friends.

"I let him have it a few years back to celebrate his 28th anniversary," Trooper Joe joked.

But for now, Trooper Joe is numero uno.

Hearing that, I got little competitive and bet him that I could spot more offenders during our ride. And I was feeling pretty confident, too, when we tied 2 for 2.

But then the eagle-eyed trooper nabbed one, then two, then three more defiant drivers from his secret spot before I realized he'd been toying with me all along.

"You're slipping," he said.

"There's no beating the master," I conceded.

"Glad to see you accepted defeat," he said with a victorious smile.

Funny guy. But in the few hours I spent with him, it was eye-opening to see what distracted driving looks like from the other side.

Like every cocky driver out there, I considered myself the multitasking exception to the dangerous inattentive driver. But riding with Trooper Joe, I saw drivers who probably think exactly the same thing veering all over the road. One guy didn't even notice that Trooper Joe was behind him until he put the lights and siren on — and even that took a while to register while he chatted away.

But, hey, if none of that makes an impression, here's another reason to finally get off the phone: The Supremely Stealthy Trooper Joe.

He's out there. And trust me, it's just a matter of time before he bags you.

Helen Ubiñas' column appears on Thursdays and Sundays. Read her blog, Notes From Hel, at courant.com/helen and follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/NotesFromHeL.