The third child

I would describe our cat as the Chrissy Snow of the feline family: sweet, thin, beautiful, loyal, and dumb as a post. We got her when some friends who were moving to Europe didn't want to put her through a six-month quarantine, and she's been a fine addition to the family. At the very least, she's great for patrolling the thin line between us and the many species that live within our walls.

These friends also had a 2-year-old, so when the cat first arrived I'm sure she liked having the spotlight to herself again. When Robert was on the way and my mother-in-law moved in with us, we got our first clue that the cat was put out by all the deflected attention when she barfed on all four sides of my mother-in-law's bed. It seemed harmless enough at the time, just a one-time protest to make sure we didn't forget who got here first.

Now we have two human children--one of whom, adrift in his own spotlight issues, likes to act out by pulling the cat's tail. And the cat has launched into a new behavior that really, really, really can't continue. It's so vexing that it's driven me to felicidal verse.

Dear Cat:

There are many things you excel at.You’re sweet and furry and fun to pat.But this is mindless chitchatLeading up to an unnerving stat.Every morning I find you’ve shatIn the tub or on the bathmat.

Why must you befoul our habitatlike that?

This is a behavior we must combat.I've tried peaceful means, but you've turned us down flat.And every day I see you've shatWhere your crap should not be at.

So now it's down to "tit for tat."Can you see what I’m driving at?I’d like to wash you at the laundromat,Then hang you with an old cravat.Or smack you with a cricket bat.Flat as a slat.Flat as a Democrat.Splat!

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The third child

I would describe our cat as the Chrissy Snow of the feline family: sweet, thin, beautiful, loyal, and dumb as a post. We got her when some friends who were moving to Europe didn't want to put her through a six-month quarantine, and she's been a fine addition to the family. At the very least, she's great for patrolling the thin line between us and the many species that live within our walls.

These friends also had a 2-year-old, so when the cat first arrived I'm sure she liked having the spotlight to herself again. When Robert was on the way and my mother-in-law moved in with us, we got our first clue that the cat was put out by all the deflected attention when she barfed on all four sides of my mother-in-law's bed. It seemed harmless enough at the time, just a one-time protest to make sure we didn't forget who got here first.

Now we have two human children--one of whom, adrift in his own spotlight issues, likes to act out by pulling the cat's tail. And the cat has launched into a new behavior that really, really, really can't continue. It's so vexing that it's driven me to felicidal verse.

Dear Cat:

There are many things you excel at.You’re sweet and furry and fun to pat.But this is mindless chitchatLeading up to an unnerving stat.Every morning I find you’ve shatIn the tub or on the bathmat.

Why must you befoul our habitatlike that?

This is a behavior we must combat.I've tried peaceful means, but you've turned us down flat.And every day I see you've shatWhere your crap should not be at.

So now it's down to "tit for tat."Can you see what I’m driving at?I’d like to wash you at the laundromat,Then hang you with an old cravat.Or smack you with a cricket bat.Flat as a slat.Flat as a Democrat.Splat!