All posts by smille26

Welcome to the New ETLNTA. This is the old site in the new place with the same author. I’m hoping to reconnect with old friends and make some new ones within this community. Unfortunately the comments that were left in the old blog were not carried over but lets strike up some new conversation.

I’ve experienced a few, let’s say, “flashbacks” recently. I am apart of a Woman’s ‘Love Yourself’ group regarding personal self-development. Today’s daily post made me think back to an amazing experience I had at an NA meeting. No, I didn’t go as a narcotic addict; I went as a school assignment, and so thankful that I did.

They talked about the mantra of “Just For Today” as I learned they do at every meeting, and how it is tied to the Serenity Prayer. I left there so inspired and as a better person. Naturally for me, the experience weighed heavily on my mind for several days. I wrote a blog that didn’t site much more than the full Just For Today mantra. I re-read the Serenity Prayer 50 times over. I tried to remain in that inspiration for as long as possible.

It wasn’t until doing some research that I realized what most probably never have. There is a whole lot more to that Serenity Prayer than most can readily recite.

God, grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.

A good majority of the world has probably heard the part above a time or 2, at least. Some may even recite it daily. It is heavily associated with Alcoholics Anonymous and the related groups, and used as part of their 12-step model based on taking one day at a time, “Just For Today”.

Regardless of anyone’s belief, or disbelief, in “God”, it’s a beautiful prayer. And as I mentioned, there is more; there are several important lines more, and without them you really do not get the full powerful message it was written to portray, by Reinhold Niebuhr.

The text of the entire prayer is as follows:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Amen.

Reading the whole piece together, fully taking in each line one at a time, makes for a much more impactful message.

We see all these images in media this day in age. From Facebook to Instagram, Twitter to blogs, magazines to commercials, YouTube vlogs, all with a variety of displays telling us what the best and the worst look like. Instagram hosts thousands of profiles that swear by their plates of food and their work out clips. They will tell you its easy and the money is worth it. Just start by following them (literally and figuratively); you can get that “perfect” post, too.

The key words there are get and perfect.

Get: You can get it, meaning it’s not natural, you have to do something(s) too achieve it.

Perfect: what does that even mean? Perfect body? What scale measures body perfect levels?

That reminds me of this guy I met at a patio restaurant once while eating with a friend. Granted, I am slightly convinced he was on drugs as he was asking us for a dollar to spare and if he could borrow our phones, but that isn’t the point… he was obviously extremely smart based on the verbiage he used, almost so stuck in his high IQ he couldn’t figure out how to function and fit in with society, so at some point he turned to drugs. Yes that is my analysis of him and I’m sticking to it. Still not the point… The point: in his long speel of random information he said “what makes a triangle a triangle? Who decided a 3 – sided object was to be designated by the name triangle? What if I want to call it something else? What makes me wrong if I wanted to call that by another name? Why is it society conforms by the terminology and decisions of others?

Who gets bothered by what a shape (a triangle) is named? This guy… but seriously, think about it. He really does have a point…

Why is it that society conforms to what others determine is the perfect body shape? Who decided a triangle was to be called a triangle and who decided what the perfect body looks like?

Who decided that the perfect shape for a woman is either supermodel worthy long and lean, or Kim Kardashian-esque firm and curvy. Your hair has to be multi-toned, soft curl capable and your eye lashes need to be a certain length. And, by the way, nothing in between is good enough to be deemed the “best” on a magazine cover Who decided for a man you need to be the “perfect” combination of tall enough, strong enough, muscular enough, tan enough, with a certain style of hair (& make sure you don’t have too much body hair, gentleman)?

Not one of the above? Don’t worry, that society that determined the standards above have plenty of solutions:

We haven’t even talked about getting dressed yet. But when you do, don’t forget your Spanx control and/or enhancement hoses before you put on whatever society has deemed as the “it” wardrobe choice.

Don’t know what’s “hip” this season? Flip your TV channel, browse the latest Internet fashion blog or runway magazine, and only after by way of society you’ve determined what you MUST HAVE, add to shooping cart. Worry how you’ll pay for them along with the solutions and enhancers listed above later.

Rent, or Crossfit pre-Botox paired with 3-tone highlights, a Mac makeover & Louis Vuitton? We know…life is full of the toughest of choices.

Ya know what? Maybe you like the fitness program you participate in. Maybe you like getting your hair blown out and curled. Maybe you love your Shakeology every single morning. Maybe you prefer tattooed eyebrows over your real ones. Maybe you’d rather pay for hair removal than shave. Good for you.

But, and this is a huge but… who are you doing it for? Yourself? Or society’s self?

Ode to the original point…
Do we even know what a real body looks like anymore?

Unconditional Love: affection without any limitationsI bet there is something in this world you have unconditional love for. A child, a pet, a significant other, a family member, a great friend, cooking perhaps?

Let’s say you have been gone at a long day of work. You come home, anticipating coming home to your beloved young pup. No matter how long your day, you know this pup will lighten up your day with the joy it brings to your life. After all, no matter how your day has gone, you KNOW this pup will be over-the-top excited to see you and greet you with warmth and love.

You walk in the door with a smile, and you are greeted at door front by the one you love… seeing the pups excitement to see you makes you forget about your long day almost instantly. You walk a little further into your home, and find a huge mess…

What happens? Do you stop loving the pup?

At first, you feel frustrated and angry because after your long day, dealing with a mess is the LAST thing on your to-do list. You clean up the mess, rolling your eyes and possibly huffing and puffing. But, as you look back at your beloved, you realize no one is perfect. The pup isn’t perfect and it doesn’t have to be; the poor thing couldn’t hold it, and made a mistake all over your kitchen floor (at least it was on the tile, right?). Ughh… Shortly after cleaning the mess, you get over it, move on, and you love your puppy all the same. “Shit happens…”

That is an example of unconditional love.

Ideally, we should all have unconditional love for ourselves. But the truth is, many of us would give more unconditional love to a pet than we do for ourselves.

If we can say, “oh well, shit happens…” when it comes to a pet, why can’t we do that for ourselves? Why can’t we easily forgive and go on loving ourselves for all that WE are worth? For all that WE bring to this world and to those in our lives? Why are we not as worthy as a puppy dog?

Over the years, I have had to really buy into the fact that I deserve unconditional love. I don’t always make the best decisions, I don’t always treat myself the way I should, I don’t always take the best care of my heart, mind and soul… but what I always do now is forgive myself for my shortcomings.

I felt torn when I first read her blog. Partly because I was reading on the run and skimmed more than read through her dissection. I agree with some of her points wholeheartedly, but overall I have to disagree.

First of all, the fact that “beauty” and anything discussing it has to be discussed and debated at this level of thought is the most concerning thing to me.

She [blogger] definitely picked the whole thing apart. I agree on the lack of diversity 100+%. Shame on Dove for not including a broader image of the beauty that is found across all cultures. “White people” with “blue eyes” is not all there is out there… hopefully everyone on the planet knew that before seeing this video and well before reading this Tumblr post.

But… ehhh… “Little Drops” definitely lost me a few times throughout her [ah-hmmm] rant. Well, she officially lost me in the 3rd to last paragraph where she quotes (in order to dissect) a participant in the video:

“I should be more grateful of my natural beauty.”

–> right there, in the midst of a beautiful statement, the blogger continued to tear and dissect the video and that statement apart.

The blogger used this beautiful line as if to say being physically beautiful meant being able to make friends and make better decisions, etc etc. But, if you refrain from adding negative energy to that statement and act like the rest of society by associating the word “beautiful” with physicality, I hear a totally insightful, positive, BEAUTIFUL realization:

Natural beauty. Natural love and respect and adoration for oneself… an absolute predecessor to full and complete confidence, acceptance, unconditional positive regard for oneself, peace, happiness…

Confidence in oneself for all of our natural beauty in the form of inner, outward, upward, downward, wholesome, amazing acceptance of our beauty which is more than physical is greatness! It is necessary to live in the world we live in, and it is a NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL thing. It is something that IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU THINK!

So, its a video. PR, guys. Public relations. Ultimately, Dove didn’t make the video for it to be ignored. They needed something to catch eyes. The point, although physical parts of the body are described as needed for a stranger to draw a portrait, is that we are our own worst critics. No matter your color, your size, your age group, your SES status, your ethnicity, your eye color, your chin shape, whatever!… we are all our own worst critics. The POINT is that YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU THINK.

Yes, people. From every and any part of the world, please realize, YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU THINK. Stop criticizing yourself. Stop teaching the future of our world to do the same. Kids don’t learn to grow up criticizing without it being taught to them. We are the future. You are the future. And you are more beautiful than you think. Teach someone younger than you the same so that one day, we might make harsh criticism and bullying extinct.

I was given an opportunity today to reflect.

I was asked to bring in an object that represented what I have gotten out of and learned about myself from my graduate program in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling at the University of South Florida. I brought in a picture of a sculpture. It is a sculpture I have blogged about in the past in a blog called From Bounded & Broken to Freedom in Eating to Live. This sculpture has since had a great deal of meaning to me. Refer below…

Today has made me really reflect back on just how different my life is right now and just how far I have come. Ya know, there was a time where victory meant skipping one purge. A bigger victory meant skipping a whole evening. An even bigger one meant skipping almost a whole week. How small those steps seem to me now… skipping one purge, one evening, one week. At that time, each one was huge. With every increasingly bigger victory came a chill provoking revelation that I could actually do this.

The bigger the victories, the more I needed to give myself credit. The moment I began to give myself credit for every single skipped purge and every single clean victory, the bigger they kept getting… The more accepting I was of myself, the more lenient I was on the standard I held against me and the more credit I gave myself, the more victorious I could be.

Credit.

I was reminded today of just how big the steps in my victories have become.

I am getting a Master’s degree in less than three weeks. 2 weeks from yesterday, I will have turned in my last assignment. 18 days from today, all I will have left to do is walk across a commencement stage and move my tassel from the left to the right.

How solidifying and profound it is for me to be here, and to see here. How surreal it is to see how humongous my victories have become.

I went from skipping one purge to being clean and getting a Master’s. I went from having no confidence in myself to getting ready to walk across a stage and be collared a Master, ready to work to be collared in 1 or 2 more with further aspirations of getting a PhD.

How far I have come. How big my victories have become.

-From skipping just one purge thinking: ok, ok, I can do this…—> I woke up every morning after skipping just one feeling proud –To going one night without purging thinking: ok, ok, I can do this… —> I woke up every morning after skipping a whole night feeling even more proud –To going a whole entire week without purging thinking: ok, ok, I can do this… —> I woke up every morning after skipping every day in the week feeling just a little more proudSoon, I will wake up on the morning of May 4, 2013, still clean, and become collared a Master.
—> Pride? I am not sure I can describe…Credit.

If I can do this. If I, someone who used to have to fight to skip just one purge, can do this, I PROMISE you can, too. You know what your FIRST step has GOT to be? A small one… tiny. Your first step has got to be one little baby. With that tiny step, comes another part to make a two-part story. One tiny step, and a little bit of prideful credit.

Credit.

Give yourself credit for every tiny step. The more credit you give yourself, the stronger you will become. The more credit you give yourself for each tiny step, the more resilient you will become and the more fight you will be willing to give. The more credit you give yourself, the more badass you will become. Pretty soon, your addiction, your eating disorder, will have NOTHING on you.

Credit.

Right now, my addiction, my eating disorder, has NOTHING on me. And you know what, neither does a Master’s program nor this perfectly imperfect life.

I am Superwoman.

When I look back and see how small my first steps and my first victories were compared to how big my victories are now, you better believe I give myself credit.

It’s been a while since I wrote. I have only one excuse. Confusion mixed with a little avoidance. Last time I wrote, I mentioned not allowing ED to tell me where my dignity lied in regards to my career choice. Well, I have spent the last 6 months seriously trying to find out how the heck I am supposed to know where it lies without ED!

For years and years I relied on ED to tell me. It’s true. It’s a sad fact, but as much as I hated ED I relied on ED. I was no longer just me, I was me with ED. Being without ED or it’s silent but deafly loud words used to be the scariest thing I could ever have thought of. Well, it’s been silent around here. Peacefully silent, not deafly silent, thank the Lord. ED has been silent and although its been peaceful, its almost felt as though I’ve been lost.

I am at the end of the road now in my Master’s program in Mental Health and Rehabilitation Counseling. Thank the Lord for that, too. Those of you who read my last blog in October already know this but, I don’t want to do this anymore. “It’s as if my dignity lies in doing something with merit and purpose”. This was my guiding journalized line for quite some time. Not a bad line to be guided by, right? Not at all, unless it was written and voiced by ED. And, that it was. Key word: WAS.

Not anymore. I have continued to discover myself without ED. And, I like what I have found. Confidence. Drive. Desire, fast paced, outgoing, public oriented, out of the box desire! But, where does this leave me almost moments before I walk across the ceremonial stage collared in Master of Arts attire?

I have to remain honest to me, and honestly, it still doesn’t leave me wanting to sit across from client after client in an office room. No offense to anyone at all whatsoever in this field, but that’s not enough for me. That doesn’t sit well enough for me. I want to be out! I want to be out in public and with Clinical Physicians and Providers, with CEO’s and Directors. I want to educate and to lead, to guide and to connect. These words are so inline with the words you hear in the therapeutic process, but much more out of the box. I’m gonna get it…

Public and provider relations for an eating disorder treatment center – that is IT right there man. That is THEE IT. Now, how to obtain such a job… it’s difficult, trust me, I have been trying. But, I won’t stop… trust me on that too. My two worlds would wonderfully collide.

Below is a reaction-to-a-book paper I wrote for my internship course, my last course before I am collared a Master. Writing this reaction encouraged reflection. It also encouraged and solidified what I have thought for 6 months….

I am honestly struggling for words to begin this reflection. Rather than invent and speak in dishonesty throughout the entire paper, I will come right out from the start and admit… I don’t think I want to do this anymore.
I have realized a lot I never knew about counseling throughout this program and course, along with from the text Letters to a Young Therapist. Some of the things I have come to know have enhanced my desire to be in the field, and some have done quite the opposite. Overall, the thing I found resonating the most inside of me while reading her letter is that there is never an answer.
The fact that there is never an answer is something extremely intimidating to me about the field of counseling. I am certain it has a lot to do with my declaration in paragraph one. I don’t think I want to do this anymore. There is another thing that negatively struck me from the book and from the class discussion about private practice. Ms. Pipher mentioned someone who came back to school in her 40’s knowing she just had to become a therapist; this same woman found she couldn’t even stand it once in the field of practice. You, Dr. Dudell, mentioned something similar. You said if you are the kind of person that really doesn’t like to be isolated or alone in an office room with client after lost and sad client, private practice ins’t for you.
Oh goodness how unappealing it is for me to be isolated at this point in my life. I have grown to realize how extroverted I really am. It’s amazing how much differently you can view yourself when you start to actually like yourself and build some confidence. I do not want to be isolated in private practice.
You know what else I don’t want to do? Remain micromanaged or micromanage others within an agency. Been there, done that. Not only do I not prefer agency work, I can barely survive financially in an agency setting. I will remain without telling a lie… I want to make money. I want to make lots of it. I want nice things and I want to do nice things and I want to, more importantly, be able to give nice things. Every holiday season I think, okay, this is the season, I will have enough money to buy my nieces and parents and friends gifts and presents. Hasn’t happened yet. I am so tired of living paycheck to measly paycheck. I don’t want to do this anymore.
You know, I find it funny to look back at my childhood and my then career dreams. They revolved around the medical field. I knew what I wanted to be then, but I was still confused. A doctor; but, what kind of doctor shall I be? I thought ER doctor, OB/GYN, pediatrician, trauma surgeon… all my dreams revolved around medicine. But the truth is, I have grown incredibly squeamish. At age 7 or 8, my favorite movies were horror films and my favorite TV shows revolved around life in the ER. Now a days, I turn my head at any type of gore.How did I end up here? [I turn my head silently as this exact thought surfaces as I write this reflection – insert tears]
I know. I know how I ended up here. Happenstance theory. Look at that, I learned something from that Careers Counseling class. I just so happen to suffer from a difficult childhood filled with angry and difficultly divorced parents and, I happened to develop poor self-esteem based on a poorly defined identity which then led to a full fledged eating disorder.
As most people within similar timelines in the program as myself have heard, happenstance, although I may not have referenced the theory before, is how I got here. I, like a lot who end up with aspirations of work in the field of addictions, grew passion for the prevention and treatment of the mentioned due to a personal battle of hopefully grateful, successful recovery.
I got so into and passionate and fired up about my own experience and my own recovery that I decided this passion just had to translate into my career. In fact, I used to journal about it.

“It’s as if my dignity lies in turning my sin into something with merit and purpose.”

That jaded declaration brings tears to my eyes every time I read it, including present time. It saddens me that, in a time where I thought I was really, really recovered, I can look back now and see that I was still sick. It sickens me now that at that “recovered” stage in which I wrote that statement, I still allowed ED (eating disorder) to tell me where my dignity laid.

I wonder what Ms. Pipher would say to me. Here I am, 28 and thankfully recovered, bursting with confidence I don’t even know how to utilize. No offense to anyone in this field whatsoever at all, but I don’t want to do this anymore. I keep thinking that maybe its because I have a jaded agency perspective and maybe its because I am tired and ready for all the commitment of school to come to a close. I start to think I owe it to myself and this degree to at least try to do ED therapy and see how I like it. But, in between every moment of feeling as though I am “stuck” in therapy as someone with a Master’s in it, I think more clearly.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t believe it, but I don’t think I just think it. I think I know it. I don’t want to do this anymore. My oh my, 28 going on 29 and I need a vacation. After that vacation, I need to let my confidence and my spiritual and personal growth truly lead me and stop scaring me. It is super intimidating to consider going into a field like marketing or public relations as an entry level, minimally experienced professional after working so hard to obtain this degree. But, it is so very much so, incredibly more intimidating and scary for me to remain in one door because of the letters M.A.
Reading this book and living through this program has taught me many things. Most important for me at this potential point of mid-life career-crisis and chaos is something I learned through my recovery. Tomorrow is a new day and it always will be. Nothing in this world can tell me what tomorrow will bring, not even me. I do not have control of many things. But, I can control what I do when I wake up tomorrow.

Who knows where I will ultimately end up. Hopefully in some transcendent Heaven. All I know and all I can control now is where I am, right now, in the here and now. In the here and now, I will not allow something like the voice of a distant ED tell me where my dignity nor my career lies.
I am a Master! Almost officially in an Art, super officially as a confident, fearless, outgoing, action driven, fast-paced preferring career woman. I don’t want to be a therapist in a room anymore. But, I will always want to be the aware, genuine, congruent and unconditional positive regard viewing person this program has made me. That, I will take with me anywhere and everywhere I go from here. Where I will go, I guess you and I will have to find out.

“It’s as if my dignity lies in turning my sin into something with merit and purpose.”

As I look at this excerpt from a journal entry dated January of 2009, it makes me sad. It also makes me a little angry and it makes me feel pretty cheated.

Does my dignity really lie in whether I choose to dedicate my life to the treatment, education and advocacy of eating disorders and it’s sufferers? Will my life and my being as a whole really lack dignity if I don’t dedicate my life to eating disorders?

Looking at this excerpt at this point in my life and in my Masters program makes a lot of sense. It helps me make a lot of sense surrounding the fact that, I don’t want to do this anymore. The excerpt has really helped me figure out my confusion in the fact just mentioned, that I don’t want to be a therapist.

My career choice has come from what I went though and from my recovery from ED. However, in this stage of my recovery, I know full well I DO NOT and CAN NOT allow ED to control me, my life, my behaviors, nothing. I never had and I still do not have to let ED control my life, my educational pursuits or my career path.

It’s as if my dignity lies…

Woah, woah, woah… hold on a second now… SAYS WHO?

Who says where my dignity lies? Who decides that? Who determines and makes up rules about where my dignity lies?

Are you catching on to why this excerpt has both infuriated and freed me at the same time?

ED is all over that journal excerpt. ED wrote that “it’s as if my dignity lies…” nonsense. I didn’t write that. And, I don’t have to follow ED’s rules. No sir-e!

I don’t want to do this anymore. I am about to finish my Masters program in Rehabilitation and Mental Health counseling and ya know what?… yes, you know, I have said three times already – I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

Sorry, but I’m not sorry. Sorry, I’m NOT sorry my legs are bigger than my arms. And, sorry I’m definitely NOT sorry that I don’t want to do this anymore (—> 5th time). I don’t want to revolve my career around the treatment and prevention of eating disorders. For the love of God and of recovery – Sorry, but I’m NOT sorry…

My suffering from ED does not mean I owe it to anyone nor to my existence versus nonexistence of dignity to dedicate my life to eating disorders. Gosh, this revelation, this epiphany, this freeing acceptance —> I thought I already did all that… I feel so relieved. And I’ll tell you the truth: its been on my mind for weeks. Maybe my fans of Eating to Live, Not the Alternative have noticed? I haven’t been able to bring myself to write a blog entry in months.

It only took me to the last 6 credit hours of my 60 credit hour Masters program and $70K in student loans for tuition, a discovery of an old journal entry, and a ton of self-reflection to really figure it out… I decide gosh darnit . I choose. I determine where my dignity lies. I don’t have to pay for it by “getting right” with my previous ED sins to have dignity.

You know what I wanted to do when I was a child, before I knew ED? I wanted to be a doctor – ER or OB/GYN in particular. Always, always, always. When we had to think about what we want to do when we grow up, I said doctor, every.single.time. But, okay, okay… so I’m not gonna go full out med school. But you know what, I AM going FULL OUT P.A. school.

Physicians Assistant – it is what I WANT TO DO. Not because I owe it to anyone, to any disorder, to any struggle, experience or sin, but just because I really do want to.

This is it. This is the final moment. This is the last good bye. ED held on to me all this time, even by way of trying to determine my dignity. Psssshhhhhh!!! ED, I have told you before and I will tell you again for the LAST TIME.You’ve got nothing on me – get out, get out, get out of my life and of my dignity. GOOD RIDDANCE, ED. Good riddance fabricated dignity requirements. Good bye.

It’s as if my dignity lies in making my own choices, ALL of my own choices.

This blog was written on July 31, 2012 & speaking of Sunday July 29th 2012. I previously posted this blog, but then deleted it when it caused an unpaid practicum employment spot to be taken from me. I decided maybe it was better to delete it and avoid disclosing my imperfect road due to the consequences I experienced. However, I don’t agree with the deletion of the blog. I agree and support everything I wrote in this blog and I stand strong by it. Hence, this re-posting…

I have to come clean…

Sunday night, I became unclean…

I have been (had been) clean from Mia (bulimia) for almost a year and a half, until this past Sunday night…

I have been eating carelessly lately. And, I have gained a couple pounds. Gaining a couple pounds by eating too much dessert isn’t what has made me unclean.

Sunday I went to the store to buy a couple dresses and flowing shirts so I could “hide” and “mask” and be okay with the couple pounds I have gained. I was okay with it. I found a couple super cute things and I settled for buying the mediums; I actually felt pretty okay about it.. more okay about it than I thought I would.

I came home and ate a big salad for dinner. I felt okay about that, too. Then I remembered I had some red velvet cake ice cream made by the one and only Ben and Jerry’s in my freezer. I thought about the ice cream for a while before I ate it…

I thought about the night before when I ate 1/3 of the carton. To be duly noted is that before I ate that 1/3 carton of the pint of Ben and Jerry’s, I had dinner at Blue Martini. I had martinis at Blue Martini, too. I was there a while and got home at about 10:00pm. Before I got home, I stopped at a gas station next to my place. I got a bottle of wine, a clif bar – white chocolate chip, my fave, and as soon as I spotted the red velvet cake Ben and Jerry’s, I had to get it.

Recently, a co-worker of mine raved about this ice cream. He and I both have professed our love for red velvet cake! Yum! When he mentioned the ice cream and how delicious it was, I had to get it when I saw it at the gas station.

I got home and decided to just open the wine. I spoke to my fiancé who reassured me that my gaining a couple pounds was A-okay and said I was beautiful. It had been a couple hours since I had the Blue Martini meal, and for some reason, I decided that, YEAH! Its okay if I gain a couple pounds – I will eat!

So, I didn’t start with either thing I bought. I warmed up a lean cuisine I had in the freezer. It was about 10:45pm at this point, and I wasn’t really hungry. Then I had the clif bar… then I had 1/3 of the ice cream… I was all fired up about being fine, just the way I am… I didn’t care.

Then I woke up the next morning – disappointed, feeling guilty, ughh…

I was going to do better today. I decided that, and then I stood up. My head pounded with the martini + wine induced headache I had. There went the spin-class plans I had… not a great start to my “being good” day. I ran some errands eventually. I finished my LAST assignment of the school semester (thank goodness). I ate dinner – another lean cuisine. That lean cuisine filled me up…-said no one ever… I had a bowl of soup, too.

Now we get back to the point at the beginning of this post: “Then I remembered I had some red velvet cake ice cream made by the one and only Ben & Jerry’s in my freezer. I thought about the ice cream for a while before I ate it…”

I actually didn’t really like the ice cream. It wasn’t that good, at all. I love red velvet cake. I love Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, but that ice cream was just, ehhh… not impressed.

The point – I didn’t even want it. I had thoughts of bringing it into work and giving it to my co-worker who said he loved it. I didn’t want to eat it. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I just took one bite and put it back. And then I took another bite and put it back. And then I put the rest in a bowl and finished it. The whole time, I still thought “I don’t even like this”.

I finished the pint. For the first time in almost a year and a half, I thought [shethought]: Get rid of it. NOW.I paced. I walked. I told myself not to. I think I may have even laughed. I reminded myself how long it had been since I haven’t. I reminded myself of my #1 ground rule – never, ever again. Ever…

I did it.

I did it and I stared at the toilet. I stared blankly at the red velvet mess I made in the toilet. She was there. She did it – she got rid of it.

I flushed and I walked away without her...I vowed to myself to never, ever do that again. But, you know what, I had a little accident. I had a momentary set back. I did it…

Just because I did it that night did not mean I had to go back to her; it didn’t mean she had to come back to me. Just because I tripped up did not mean I had to make a slow motion fall to my face. I caught myself, I regained my balance, I planted my feet, I wiped my face and lifted my head, and I walked away.

Just because she came back does NOT mean she will take over. I am too strong for her now. And that I will NEVER forget.

Have you ever considered the word “Obesity” as a word that should be categorized with HIV/AIDS, the Bubonic Plague, Malaria, Polio, Hepatitis B, SARS, smallpox, measles, cholera…..?Well, the words aforementioned are all notable epidemics, if you didn’t catch on. And, if you haven’t caught on that OBESITY is joining that crowd of deadly epidemiological threats, you should probably “listen up”.

Now, most of you who read this blog know that I am not an advocate for weight loss as much as I am an advocate for healthy body image and the prevention of eating disorders. However, these statistics are alarming and duly notable. If you are obese, I am going to assume you may have trouble with healthy body image. I am also going to assume you may have trouble with things such as anxiety, depression, physical health, interpersonal relationships, etc. By posting this information, I am not suggesting that all Americans need to strive for a specific runway model size. No, not at all. What I am suggesting and more so urging is that Americans take control of what they have control over: their overall health and wellbeing.Because we are a society that thrives on and lives by a code of instant gratification, we want what we want when we want it and WE WANT IT NOW. We don’t have time, nor make the time, to be mindful of what we fuel our bodies with. We take out, we microwave, we eat junk and we eat it on the run, and we order out of fast food windows. Often times, we don’t marinate and we don’t buy fresh. When we do, we still eat way too fast for our taste buds and our stomachs to enjoy what we’ve treated them with. We just overstimulate and overstuff and we don’t even take the time to like the foods we think are so comforting and satisfying, i.e. whoppers and tacos… yuck! I dare you to eat a whopper really, really slowwwww and I dare you to NOT taste the 5 day old, stale grease that disgustingly coats the roof of your mouth and your tongue. Bleh…America, we are a fast-paced, instant gratification seeking society. And we are beginning to be a seriously obese one at that. Did you know that by 2030, 42% of Americans are projected to be diagnosable as obese with countless others being diagnosed as MORBIDLY obese? I’m not suggesting we all starve ourselves and become super models, ok? I am instead strongly encouraging everyone to realize the follow statement: