"March is a month of considerable frustration - it is so near spring and yet across a great deal of the country the weather is still so violent and changeable that outdoor activity seems light years away."
Thalassa Cruso

When you first apply to join the forum, you will have to wait a while to be approved. Just be patient.

Once you are a member, don't forget to check the calendar(s) for session times. Sessions are held on different platforms, so be sure to find out where the session will take place:-

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?" "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians"

"Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?" "I am! But how did you know?"

"Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!"

"Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?"

"Geese! How'd you know that????"

"You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!

There was once a group of Bio-statisticians and a group of Epidemiologists riding together on a train to joint meetings. All the Epidemiologists had tickets, but the Bio-statisticians only had one ticket between them. Inquisitive by nature, the Epidemiologists asked the Bio-statisticians how they were going to get away with such a small sample of tickets when the conductor came through. The Bio-statisticians said, "Easy. We have methods for dealing with that." Later, when the conductor came to punch tickets, all the Bio-statisticians slipped quietly into the bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door, the head Bio-statistician slipped their one ticket under the door thoroughly fooling the layman conductor. After the joint meetings were over, the Bio-statisticians and the Epidemiologists again found themselves on the same train. Always quick to catch on, the Epidemiologists had purchased one ticket between them. The Bio-statisticians (always on the cutting edge) had purchased NO tickets for the trip home. Confused, the Epidemiologists asked the Bio-statisticians "We understand how your methods worked when you had one ticket, but how can you possibly get away with no tickets?" "Easy," replied the Bio-statisticians smugly, "we have different methods for dealing with that situation." Later, when the conductor was in the next car, all the Epidemiologists trotted off to the bathroom with their one ticket and all the Bio-statisticians packed into the other bathroom. Shortly, the head Bio-statistician crept over to where the Epidemiologists were hiding and knocked authoritatively on the door. As they had been instructed, the Epidemiologists slipped their one ticket under the door. The head Bio-statistician took the Epidemiologists' one and only ticket and returned triumphantly to the Bio-statistician group. Of course, the Epidemiologists were subsequently discovered and publicly humiliated.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Do not use statistical methods unless you understand the principles behind them.

One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the Dean's office and in rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" they demanded. "Well to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size" the statistician replies.

Two statisticians were travelling in a plane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but he told the passengers not to worry, as the other 3 engines were fine. However, he warned them that instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine had failed, but they still had two left, however it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.

At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Jeez! I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

@XanthippeOne day the variance and the standard deviation were engaged in a heated argument over which was the better measure of variability. The standard deviation shouted at the variance, "You are useless because you don't even relate to the original score scale."The variance glared back and yelled, " Oh yeah! You are totally worthless because you are far too radical." Just then the mean deviation stepped between the two indices and pushed them both back. In a proud voice the mean deviation proclaimed, "You are both wrong! I am ABSOLUTELY the best measure of variability since both of you would be worth ZERO if you didn't square your deviations!!!!"

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, “I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out.”

The chemist says, “No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants.”

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, “What are you doing?”

To which the statistician replies, “Trying to get an adequate sample size.”

A major airlines company received an anonymous bomb threat. To figure out ways of reducing the risk, a team was assembled. One of the members was a statistician. After careful thought and calculations, he handed a sealed bag to the airlines company and ordered them to put this bag in their plane during every journey. After a few journeys, the flight team were intrigued, and decided to open the bag. Inside, they found a bomb. They quickly confronted the statistician and asked for an explanation. He replied, "Well. Statistics show that there is a 1 in a 1000 chance of a bomb being on a plane. But for 2 bombs to be on the same plane, the chances are only 1 in a 1000000."

A sociologist, an engineer and a statistician are all walking on the woods when they fall down a well. They all think very hard about how they can escape.

The sociologist goes first: "Since we are in a well, that means there is bound to be someone who uses this, so if we wait around long enough or start yelling, someone will find us and help us out."They all agree it's a good idea, until the sociologist realizes the well is dry, and seemed to have not been used for a very long time.

The engineer says: "If we tie all our clothes together, we could make a rope strong enough to pull ourselves out. We just have to throw it so it wraps around a branch."As he's saying this and they're all getting ready to make a rope, the engineer looks to see where he'll throw the rope, but only sees empty sky above the opening of the well.

Distraught, they all 3 sit down and think harder. Finally, the statistician grins, and looks at the other two.He says smugly, "You've been going about this all wrong. I'll get us out of here."

A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted.
He rang the minister who was also delighted. "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister.
"No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."