Fencing is not what it seems in Star Wars saga

It's a good thing Darth Vader lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. If he tried those light-saber moves now, he wouldn't qualify as an extra in Zorro, the Gay Blade.

Despite that, Darth's latest movie will apparently be more successful than Zorro's. Go figure. At the risk of alienating the 29.4 million people currently standing in line for their Burger King C3PO sausage biscuits, Chewbacca on this sword-fighting review:

"It's bad," Jim Burcham said. "But it's entertaining."

What makes him Roger Ebert? Burcham runs the Orlando Fencing Club and was an instructor for The Legend of Zorro.

He knows all those whooshing, whirling light-saber duels are part of a make-believe package. And like all Star Wars fans, he'd like to disembowel Jar Jar Binks.

But millions of sabers are being sold for $19.95, and a billion more kids are saying they want to fight like Obi-Wan Kenobi when they grow up. So a slice of reality is in order.

If the Republic had an Olympic fencing team, it would be left on the cutting-room floor before Yoda could say, "My little green head, please don't cut off."

"Most of those moves would get you killed in a real sword fight," Burcham said.

The thing is, you don't see many episodes of Cops where the bad guy grabs a rapier and swings from the chandelier in his trailer. Real sword fights sort of went out with the invention of gunpowder.

What survived is fencing, which generally gets less respect than Hayden Christensen on Inside the Actors Studio. But did you know it dates back to the ancient Egyptians?

In the 1800s, fencing was more popular than football. Of course, football hadn't been invented, but you get the gist.

Fencing is one of only four sports that has been in every Olympics. Just last year, Mariel Zagunis became the first American to win a gold medal in 100 years.

We could go on, but you can take only so much fencing info in one day.

"It's not a good spectator sport," Burcham said. "It's all about selling advertisements, and it doesn't sell beer."

If the International Olympic Committee had its way, female fencers would wear Jedi bikinis and the men's epee final would pit Errol Flynn against the Three Musketeers.

Some events now require fencers to wear plastic masks instead of those mesh contraptions that make everybody sound like James Earl Jones. They want the sport to become viewer-friendly. But the thing that makes fencing fencing is what makes it bad TV.

A quick parry, thrust and touch of a blade, and it's over. If George Lucas had applied sword reality in his galaxy, the entire Star Wars saga would have been over in 47 minutes.

All this makes fencing an activity you must do to appreciate. Burcham hoisted his first sword when he was 38. He was swept up in the Old World romanticism. His reflexes became so sharp, he could snatch a fly out of the air using chopsticks. "It's the fountain of youth," Burcham said.

He's 55 now and teaches fencing three nights a week at Loch Haven Neighborhood Center. Every time a Star Wars movie comes out, a few Luke Skywalker wannabes come in wanting to cross swords with the regulars. The oldest is 68.