The Things the Thief Would NOT Steal from My Car

posted by Uncle Henry -

Jan 18, 2018

Last night, a low down dirty thief broke into my car and ransacked it ! The thief went into my glove compartment, my trunk and the center console of the car, throwing my belongings all over the car as he or she looked frantically for cash, guns, precious metals, Viagra etc etc.

After I got over the shock of becoming a victim of crime in prestigious Midtown Mobile, I noticed something quite curious : the thief left behind numerous valuable items! My car was full of treasure, and strangely, the thief ignored all of my good stuff and refused to steal it!

Here are some examples-

TRANSFORMERS WET ONES- As an older broadcaster and American, I always want an antibacterial wipe within arms reach. Sometimes listeners want to touch me, and in those cases, I need to be prepared to wipe the Listener Cooties off of my body. I consider the Wet Ones quite important, and do not understand why the thief rejected them.

EMERGENCY WIG COMB- As you are aware, I wear a tasteful wig, and have worn the tasteful wig since 1984. After years of wearing the wig, I am expected to wear it. If I leave home without the wig, people are alarmed and disoriented by my wiglessness. And, as a conscientious wig wearer, I make sure that I always have an Emergency Wig Comb within arms reach. Why did the thief reject the wig comb? he or she could have used it on their own nasty larcenous hair! Perhaps the thief is bald!

HARRISON MCINNIS' NEW CD- Harrison has a new album out, "Love Remedy." It is very good. It doesn't have any nasty content on it. Why would a thief leave this Cd behind in my car???? Could the thief be hearing impaired?

CHRISTINA CHRISTIAN CD- Yes, the idiot thief left a Christina Christian album in my car. What a creepy thief! No musical taste! And, yes, I support local musicians by purchasing their CDs.

FREE SUNGLASSES- The thief refused to steal the free sunglasses that I wear from Dickey's BBQ. I believe in wearing cheap or free sunglasses. I never ever lose cheap sunglasses. But if I pay for sunglasses, I will lose them within just a few weeks. Why did the idiot thief leave behind a perfectly good pair of sunglasses????

ROTARY CLUB INK PEN- The thief did not steal my ink pen given to me by the Rotary Club. Why? Could the thief be illiterate, and unable to write???

TRIPLE A BATTERIES- I never know when I might need batteries for my various medical devices, so I always keep batteries within arms reach. Why would the thief ignore my batteries??? Batteries can be expensive! Stupid thief!

GENERIC ALLERGY MEDICINE- As a broadcaster, I must pay close attention to my upper respiratory health. That is why I always travel with generic allergy medicine. I do not understand why the thief would leave this medicine behind. He might have been able to make meth with it if he was wicked enough. What a bizarre thief!

TISSUES- This box of tissues has a one dollar value. Why would a thief leave behind an item that is worth a dollar, and can be used to help him wipe his or her fingerprints off of the crime scene? What a dumb crook!

ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE UMBRELLA- The thief must be an Auburn fan to leave behind this brand new Alabama umbrella! It is outragous that the thief would rather be wet than use an Alabama umbrella!

EMERGENCY PANTS- As an older broadcaster, I always drive around with a pair of emergency pants, just in case there is catastrophic staining or ripping of my primary pants. The worst thing that could happen in our community would be for me to be pantsless in public. Why did the thief reject my pants? Certainly he or she would use some pants... unless they are a pervert who doesn't wear pants!