Hello and welcome, everyone! Gosh, I don’t think we could have asked for a more perfect afternoon to hold this little gathering. It warms my heart to see so many smiling white faces. It reminds me why we work so tirelessly to enact restrictive voting laws in the first place. By simply being here today, and bringing a side dish or dessert to share, you’re doing your part to ensure that only citizens we deem worthy are allowed to exercise their constitutional rights.

I bet you’re all pretty gosh darn hungry. I can’t blame you–the smell of grilled American beef and systematic voter suppression in the air is Heaven on Earth. (No offense to the Big Guy upstairs!) But before we say grace, I wish to thank a couple individuals who made this picnic possible.

None of us would be here sipping sugar-free Country Time and orchestrating ways to streamline GOP electoral victories if not for one Mister Donald J. Trump. Without his courageous refusal to heed facts, figures, and basic human reasoning, we wouldn’t even know about the five million illegal votes that were tallied in California last November. As I’m sure you’re aware, this is what cost us the popular vote. What’s not in danger of losing the popular vote, however, is Hans von Spakovsky’s famous five bean salad. He won’t even tell me what three of the five beans are! I propose we establish a federal investigation to identify those other beans!

I also wanted to take a moment to recognize my committee co-chair, Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach, a man whose unwavering dedication to this ludicrous narrative makes me seem downright sensible in comparison. He’s been an indispensable asset to our mission, spewing our baseless claims on morning talk shows so I don’t have to, but he also worked his backside off to make this BBQ such a success. The mosquito-repellent tiki torches you see everywhere? All graciously donated by Mr. Kobach, who happened to have a whole bunch of them just sitting in his shed. Way to be prepared, Kris! This meant we could dedicate more of our budget to party favors for the kiddos: coloring books that depicts suspicious behavior at polling places.

Now that we got that out of the way, who’s ready for ice cream sandwiches and a balloon toss? Fantastic! Just a couple more items first.

We bought enough food for everyone that filled out our detailed RSVP questionnaires, which included voting history, military status, and the last four digits of your social security number. But I see some of you brought guests that we didn’t account for, which makes things a little tricky. See, every hamburg we give to someone who failed to RSVP means we take a hamburg away from someone who followed the rules. It just isn’t fair, is it? It gives me no long-lasting, full-body pleasure to do this, but unless I have notarized documentation of your citizenship and any dietary restrictions, we simply can’t let you fill up a paper plate.

Maintaining public faith in this cookout must be our top priority.

It looks like some of you kids are getting restless. No worries! We have plenty of fun, family-friendly activities planned. How does a scavenger hunt sound? Here’s how it’ll work: the first team to find every uncounted vote for Mr. Trump wins. Ha ha, just kidding! It’s just a bunch of different leaves and a rock shaped like a dog. Jokes aside, if you do find evidence of widespread vote tampering, please report it to your mommy or daddy immediately.

Okay, let’s get this party started! Just be sure not to venture off past our reserved picnic site. A predominantly “non-voter” neighborhood begins one block over.

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