Saturday, May 01, 2010

I happy and proud to announce that we have blaunched a new site which focuses on popular culture from a Pagan perspective. The blog is called The Juggler, and is largely the creation of Jason over at The Wildhunt.

My first post (a brief retrospective of Siobhan Magnus' run on American Idol) is now up. I plan to continue this blog, and will announce post here as I write them so that my Facebook friends can be notified.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I found the following poem as I was checking to see if I had any other material on Jane, and now that there are at least four of us from Addison House on Facebook, I thought it might be fun to post it up and tag the group on it. I wrote it in 1992, a couple of years after I moved to So. Cal:

Once a month (Or, at least, that's what we'd hoped) We'd form a hug circle and listen.

It was a time for asking and appreciation.

It was a spider-web beautiful pattern, negotiated and cherished Like every kind of love Really.

Do I miss that? Are you kidding?

Oh, there were the rough times. Terri's window pane shattered exile. Laura's enmeshment and severing. Jim's retching in the bathroom from so much back-pain.

And then there were the absurd times. Charles asked for something and I said, "Only if you stand on a chair and sing a song from 'My Fair Lady' in a high, squeaky voice." And he did! (You have to know Charles.) Or discovering amazing connections with Scott. Or the panic that swept the house When Jeanette's brother killed a woman in San Jose.

But, mostly, I miss the talking To Jim To Susan To Nina To Charles To Terri To Scott To Tad To Meredith To Laura To Jeanette To Lori And the home we made together.

___________________________________________

At this point I have no idea what "Laura's enmeshment and severing" meant. Forgotten in the mists of time.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Unasking and surprised, You gave me your touches, laughter and conversation I asked for love You took back your touches I asked for touching You took back your laughter I asked for friendship You took back your conversation I have nothing left to ask You have nothing left to take

Aw, Little Mertseger!

But…

You gave me friendship I gave you pain You gave me attention I gave you pain You gave me nothing I gave you pain

Well, no. You are being melodramatic, LM. You gave her mild discomfort and awkwardness in a tight living situation. You were, essentially, a rash. You could be ignored except for the occasional flare-ups.

You can give me nothing less I can give you nothing more

Why?

Because you and I could not be an us Because I was too self-possessed Because you were too afraid

No, not really. She was just uninterested and hoping that avoiding Little Mertseger would not be too much of a hassle in the short-term.

Because I expected too much Because you felt too little Because you and I were too young in many ways

Actually, that's reasonably accurate

And so?

You and I can grow from this If we let

And that's where it all ends, fragmentary and incomplete, like many such sagas.

I had a meeting Berkeley today. Here's where the whole tragicomedy occurred:

I found solace in music that horrible last quarter playing on the streets of Berkeley with a group called (yes) The Troubadours.

Tim changed universities after that quarter, and Jane and he broke up. A year or so later (okay, I'll kiss and tell) Lisa Nakamoto gave me my first kiss (which may amuse any of my high school friends who might find this post up on Facebook). I asked Lisa out a couple of times immediately after that, but she did not want to take it any further. Two year later I had my first real, albeit brief, relationship.

I did see Jane a few times thereafter. I had a hot tub party at my folk's place three years later, and both Jane and Tim came (I got to see Jane in a one-piece! More fuel for the fire.) Jane and I went out twice alone together in the years following: we went to the SF Zoo right after she graduated, and I had lunch with her on one visit to So Cal (I bought her a dozen safely yellow roses, but did not give them to her.)

Seven years after the mess, I took a job teaching at Cal State Fullerton while I finished up my PhD.,and gave her a call from my depressing institutional, windowless office once I was settled in. I caught a huge whiff of the "you may be stalking me" vibe from that conversation, and, finally, let it go. In following year I started dating in earnest.

I have my regrets, and the whole episode was embarrassing. However, it opened me up in a lot of ways, and I do not, for all that, regret the poetry. I do not regret the aspiration and the lust. I do regret the dorkiness and lack of anything remotely resembling cool. However, it was a step on the way, and the message in the end is that it does get better. For all the mistakes, it does get better.

...sigh...Jane.

UPDATE:

Danny has thoughtfully provided a picture of many of the participants:

From left to right, that's Chris, Danny, Some Guy From Another Floor Who We Really Didn't Like And Did Not Want In The Picture, Yvonne, Jane, Me, and Eric B. (explicitly not the same as Edie's boyfriend at the time, Eric H.) This was taken near the end of the year, and I was happy for the moment being next to her. That's probably Danny's bed we're all on. I don't know why Jane had a pillow with the word "Bullshit" on it.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

(When I converted all these poems to HTML years ago, I gave the untitled ones a number.)

To revel in the inexplicable To find delight in swirling confusion To laugh while facing the intractable To smile at deception and illusion

Mottos that I still try to live by.

Unfortunately, Little Mertseger did not think these things were good at the time.

Do you want me to care and not to care? Do you want me to play and stay away?

Did Jane give me some mixed signals? Well, when your every action and expression is being monitored like it's an oracle of the Goddess Aphrodite, then mixed signals are inevitable. Any mixed signals were purely a matter of LM's interpretation.

I carried a torch for Jane for way too long. At one point in grad-school I sent her a mix-tape(!) and letter lightly wishing we could go nude bowling on a tropical island somewhere (!!). She replied with a friendly letter, much to my surprise. The perfume on the otherwise innocuous letter was enough to make me pine for another two or three years. Did she intend to put perfume on the letter, or did she not wash her hands that morning?

I can’t know and remain unaware. I want to understand you. There’s no way.

No, LM, you do not want to understand. You do not want to accept a clear and direct rejection. You want to cling to false hopes.

I’ve watched the beauty play across your face Happy to be talking to you again.

I wish I could have just enjoyed those moments. But lust demands more, does it not? Sigh...

Do you want me to help you find your place, And yet not want me to help at all, Jane?

Because it's her interests that I really have in mind. What bullshit.

I guess I care too much and not enough Why does this friendship have to be so rough?

No, LM, Jane awoke in you a good old animal rut, and from the moment you declared your love for her and she said no it could never really be a friendship, not while your desire remained overwhelming.