09/24/2013

I'm amazed that just two weeks ago we were dealing with the aftermaths of a "chili accident." My little Emme was burned. We were so worried about her. But...by the grace of God, she is healed. Her skin looks incredible. We were told that she will still have the marks for a few more years but there should be no permanent scars. We are so thankful. Praising the Lord for His many blessings.

09/13/2013

Sunday night I was cooking dinner. I had just made a huge pot chili. I was scooping out the chili onto plates. Kids in and out of the kitchen. You can imagine the scene. My sweet little Emme started to climb the chair. One of my sons grabbed her trying to prevent her from getting hurt while trying to balance a plate of chili in his other hand. You can imagine what happened next. It slid off the plate onto Emme's neck and shoulders. I quickly cleaned her off and rushed her to the tub. We immediately knew that we had to go to the ER. It was that bad. Her skin. I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my mind.

This week is a bit of a blur now. She has 1st and 2nd degree burns on her neck, shoulders and her hand. She went to a burn clinic today and we are so relieved say that she is going to be fine. We have had so many people praying for us. Thank you!

I posted this yesterday on instagram but I wanted to share it here too.

I am thankful for medicine that heals wounds and heals our souls. What a hard week this has been. Yesterday and this morning I had so much anxiety. Took the boys to their co-op and dropped Lillie off at preschool. Sat down and really rested since before Emme's accident on Sunday night. I'm so grateful. So grateful that He only gives what we can handle. And although it feels sometimes as if it is more it is then that He leads us to Him. He cradles us. Protects us and gives us so much Grace.

06/12/2013

It felt good to wake up this morning. I went into the kitchen and prepared an omelet for my husband. Greek yogurt with strawberries. I made the coffee. Let the dog out. Took my husband breakfast and woke him up. Laid beside him. He ate quietly and I didn't say a word. After he finished he sat on the floor beside my bed and we talked. Not long. He had to be at school early. But it felt good to talk. It felt good to connect.

The day after feels somewhat normal. I'm sure today will require a lot of resting. My emotions are still all over the place so I think it is best to stay home. I'm tired. Emotionally tired. A part of me just wants to sleep for about two days straight. But I know that is not possible. I'm a little numb. In ways that I can't really describe yet.

I'm praying but in more of an acceptance and acknowledging mode, if that makes sense. I'm still really sad. A friend told me yesterday that when she starts to talk to God, she knows that she is healing. I'm not really there yet. I know He is close and He is patient.

I keep thinking of what I wrote yesterday, Five souls in the family room, and five in Heaven. I'm so thankful for those five souls that live. Am I thankful for the five that didn't? I am. I have seen the blessing in each passing.

But I'm still sad.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Ps 34:18

06/11/2013

I ordered take-out. I was so grateful that I did because the entire hour long waiting period was dreadful. The cramping began as quickly as it ever had. I sat in the chair holding my abdomen, pressing hard to make the pain go away and trying not to let on at how bad it hurt because I didn't want to alarm the children. We were watching some mindless television show on Netflix. FInally, the knock on the door. The delivery driver wanted to chat, I could tell, but I tried to not make eye contact so that I wouldn't feel bad about being short. My mind was telling me that if I didn't look at him, it wouldn't matter. I took the pizza to the kitchen, took out the cutting board and starting cutting up small pieces for the little girls. Thankful that I had ordered out tonight. Then I felt it. The drop. "Oh." I knew. I quickly asked Karigan to watch the little girls while I went into the bathroom.

I held such a small beginning in my hand. Which made up half of my palm. I couldn't make out much but it was together. Knit together. I stared and for a moment and I wondered what to do. Then I remembered that when we die our spirit goes to heaven, not our body. I finished cleaning up. Walked out of my bedroom and the feeling of an empty womb came to mind. Five souls in the family room and five in heaven.

I am so very thankful that it is happening so quickly this time. The last miscarriage that I had, my body held on to the baby for a week. It was so hard to grieve when your heart is telling your body what to do and it won't listen. You would think these losses would get easier. But honestly, I believe they get harder.

I have seen the beauty of my previous losses. The beauty and the heartache. I've known so many women who have had miscarriages and I've stood beside my best friend when she buried her daughter. We hurt differently but we all bear scars. The beauty in it is that we can relate. It's the knowing. The I've been there and I am so sorry. That's the beauty of it. It's the I understand, I really do.You feel it. The lump in your throat. The tears in your eyes. The remembering. The being able to understand and relate. I'm gifted with that.

Sitting in bed. Child after child coming in my room, climbing on my bed, chatting about something. I'll be honest, I'm not listening. My mind is somewhere else this morning. Trying to smile and keep my tears hidden. It's going to be a long day. Andrew won't be home until at least eleven tonight. I had planned to go to Costco today but the mental image of me breaking down crying in the store with all five kids in tow is a little much. I think I will just stay home. And wait.

I started spotting yesterday and then had a little cramping. This morning it's slowly getting a little worse. I am my constant for one moment and the next I feel my face getting hot and my eyes start to burn. I was telling a friend yesterday, that it's funny, you think you are prepared for these things. You know that the possibility is always there. Lingering. And you tell yourself that if or when it happens, you will be ready. But it comes and you are so shocked by the unexpected time, that in that moment you can't but feel punched. Heart dropping to the floor. Hand going to the mouth. And then just a small prayer, "oh, Lord."

Then the flooding of your mind when you start thinking of all the people who you have told. And you start punishing yourself with thoughts of, "why didn't I just keep it to myself." And the worse, "I have to tell the kids." Heart drops even more. Karigan is going to be so upset. The boys will be fine. They will understand. But Karigan. Oh my sweet little Heart that hurts so deeply. She'll ask questions for months to come. Questions that are always hard to answer.

"Why did God take the baby, mama?"

"Is the baby in heaven and will we see if when we go to heaven?"

"Why did it have to die?"

Questions that will have to asked and answered in the next day or so. Questions that make your heart just hurt and cringe just a little bit. Because honestly, you are asking the same questions to your Father too. Like a child I go to Him each time this happens. I ask why? Even though I already know the answer. He comforts. I feel better until that comfort runs out for a bit. Then I keep going back to my Savior and refilling my cup. Eventually, there will be a time when I look back and I see the big picture. I'll see the way He carried me. The way He was glorified through it and I'll accept it as a Gift. But right now, I'm that little child. Who just fell down. I'm scuffed up and bruised. Still hurting. The wounds are open and cut deep. And until my body tells my heart that it has let go, I'll wait until He can stitch me up. Put the band-aids on. Kiss me and tell me, "it will be alright." I'm holding on to that. Because I know it will come.

But right now. My fingers are on the only thing that will move. Besides the tears that fall so freely and my hand that quickly wipes them away each time another child enters my room.

Yes, it will be a long day. The waiting. The tears. The emotional drain. But I've got to keep going. I have to push forward and pick myself up again and again. I'll make it. I have to. I'm holding on to hope.

04/24/2012

She turned six weeks old yesterday. She's fighting a cold. I'm a little worried. I know I shouldn't be. He is in control. But that's what I do, you see? I worry. Its kinda like a bag of sand on my back this thing called worry. It's heavy and hard to carry. Sometimes laying it down at His feet is the hardest. But when its there it is so comforting. Like I've ran a mile and can finally breathe again. Like a hot drink when my throat is sore. Like a warm fire when I'm cold. It's comforting but takes an effort on my part to get there. Why is it so hard? To trust. To really just give it all to Him daily? To be in a constant state of gratitude. I want to. I think about it all the time. But I'm not. I'm not grateful as much as I should be. I complain but worst, I worry. I treat life like its my thing. Like its up to me to change things and it is to an extent but He, He gives me the desire. He gives me the go ahead. That is being what grateful is. Realizing that He puts that desire and want in me and it is nothing that I do but accept and be thankful.

I have five children. Five.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that God has given me five children. Especially since I feel like I'm a jumbled mess most of the time. A very sweet lady at my church commented last week how I must be such an organized person to get my children all dressed so nicely to church. I crumbled inside just a little. Oh, do I appear to have it all together? My appearance has told a lie. Little does she know that I usually wake up for church late. Rush around getting everything ready and ironed all along listening to my husbands voice inside my head from the night before saying "you should go ahead and iron the girls clothes" and do I listen? No. Andrew calls me a free spirit. I never have a plan written out. I simply just go with it. I have many plans but they never really reside on paper, just in my head. I try to get them on paper but I never can find a pen I like or a notebook that doesn't have scribbles of crayon all over it. Yes, I realize I have issues. Because in all honesty I do have several notebooks that would do the job quite well but if I mess them up and don't write in them for the reasons that I originally bought them that makes me....well, now I just sound a tad OCD so I will quit while I'm ahead. Back to the comment. When my children are all dressed and the "bigs' have gone on to Sunday School without me, because you see I can't find the time since Emme to actually get to Sunday School on time so I just don't go, I think I will have plenty time to myself. But reality set in and I have a baby crying and a toddler who wants to watch another episode of Dora and I, by this time am just ready to leave. So my plans of showering before church and looking all pretty and cute have come to please just let my hair look nice. That is all. Just let me fix my hair. Throw on a bit of makeup and hope that people can't tell that I haven't washed my hair in days. I don't have time to shower. I look at the clock and it appears that I'm late again. Where are my shoes? Keys? Has the dog been feed? Dang, I still have to pack the diaper bag. This is all before church and by the time I get there I'm exhausted and usually dealing with an almost two year old who doesn't want to stay in the nursery and clinging to me for dear life. So you see precious lady, I am not an organized person. I'm clearly an organized mess. I run on fumes. I'm not quite sure how everything comes together but it usually does. It must be Grace. Because without His grace I am desolate.

So there you have it. Me in a nutshell this morning. The boys are awake and probably playing with there pokemon cards, Karigan is asleep on the couch because she felt nauseous last night, Lillie is still asleep in her crib, Emme is in her bassinet sleeping peacefully, and here I am. Preparing. Taking in the quiet before the storm of the day. Before I absolutely have to get up and face the day. I make it sound terrible while really its just the normal. Its busy. Its chaotic....but its our normal. The list of endless tasks that I never write down but somehow its all crammed up there in my small brain. Laundry to do, bottles to wash, dog to be brushed, school to be had. Its my day to day....But I am thankful. I'm thankful for gift of these five souls who have been entrusted in my care. But I'm even more thankful that in spite of my shortcomings He is still in control. Even if I can't write things down because I don't know where to start and if I do I will mess the pages up. I'm thankful. He gets me. He will change me. And somehow He has it all worked out.

01/03/2012

Andrew woke me up this morning and made me breakfast. One egg, toast with blackberry jam, banana and pineapple smoothie, and my favorite hot coffee. It was good and healthy. Fulfilling. He read Psalms 10 and I sat quietly eating while trying to digest the scripture. I felt convicted and it felt good honestly. Not the weeping conviction of a terrible sin that I’ve committed, although I’ve committed many, but good because I’ve felt so blah toward God’s word lately. I’ve learned over the years not to depend on my feelings when it comes to my faith but the truth of God’s word. Something that is really hard for me because I’m a whole bag of feelings. Tenderhearted to the core.

I’m expecting our Emmaline Katherine during the first week of March. I’m nervous, excited and anxious to meet her. I’m excited to see what she will look like. Our Lillie has blue eyes and curly blond hair. Think Shirley Temple. Nothing is impossible with God. It almost makes me want to have about twenty kids to see how different each one could look. :)

Andrew and I stare amazed at the beauty of our children all the time. I know all parents think their children are the most beautiful and I truly think that to them, they are. There are times I truly think my heart will burst from how much love I have for them. Of course those times usually come when they are all peacefully sleeping in their beds.

I’ve been thinking of how much things are going to change around here soon. Before I found out I was pregnant with #5 I began feeling like I could handle all that God had given me. I was excited about homeschooling again. That’s a miracle in itself. I was painting and really, really enjoying it. Then morning sickness set in and my house and my love of painting went on the back burner.

Now here I am almost 30 weeks into this pregnancy and a New Year awaits me. I do love a fresh start. When Andrew went to work this morning I looked around at my almost clean, naked (just took down Christmas decorations) living room, and it felt good. Of course the sun hasn’t come up yet. Its still 6:19.

I’m not good at goals. I’m even worse at keeping them. But I can pray. My prayer this year is to have more JOY. Joy in the everyday. Joy is the mundane. Joy in the trails. Joy in the days when I really just feel like staying in my pajamas and not getting out of bed. To stop being so cynical.

I want to be glad.

I want to be happy.

I want to be Joyful.

(Because every post needs a picture. This is my dad and my Lillie. Do you think they look alike? This picture makes me happy just to look at.)

08/24/2010

I want to clarify before you read this that I am not saying that homeschooling is the only way to raise your children to have a heart for God. This is what the Lord laid on my heart. It is part of my testimony. I think homeschooling has been a blessing to our family and wanted to share why we began homeschooling. I wrote this post well over a year ago but wanted to share it with you today.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

“Are you crazy?”

That is the first thought that popped into my head when my best friend of 17 years, told me that she was homeschooling her son. I could not think of a reason why she would want to put herself through that. How in the world would her son fit in with other kids if he were homeschooled? I really just didn’t understand it.

My boys had just started second grade. I was ready for summer to be over. I couldn’t wait to send them back to school so that I could have time for myself. Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? I worked at CVS part time as a Pharmacy Technician. I only worked 15-20 hours a week. Karigan, my daughter who was three at time, was in mother’s morning out three days a week. I worked in the evenings mostly from either 4-9 or 5-9 pm. I picked my boys up from school and quickly rushed home to feed them a snack until we had to rush to the sitters so that I could go to work. Life was hectic. I spent as much time working as I did spending time with my entire family.

One year ago on August 10, I had my second miscarriage. I remember lying in bed just waiting for it to happen. I had already gone to the doctor and my pregnancy hormone levels were declining. I waited and finally it was over. The only one who I could talk to during that time was Jesus. I remember praying that His will would be done and that He would be glorified for it. Yes, I knew that I was having a miscarriage when I prayed that prayer. He however, had great plans for my family and me.

After the miscarriage, I began to change. I was reading my Bible more and going to church even if Andrew didn’t want to come with me. I clung to prayer and knew that I had to keep my focus on the Lord because if I didn’t I would go into a deep depression. I allowed myself to grieve but I trusted God through every bit of it. I have been in the deep black hole of depression before and I did not want to go there again. I took it day by day and had never felt closer to the Lord as I did those few weeks after the miscarriage. He was preparing me for something really big. I just didn’t know what.

Things began to return back to normal. The kids were going to public school. I quit my job at CVS after the miscarriage. I didn’t know how we were going to make it. We were barely getting by with the amount of money that Andrew brought home from his job. Andrew was worried about money as well, but felt that my place was to be at home with our children.

After I quit my job, I remember how often the subject of homeschooling would come up in conversation. My best friend was homeschooling and another woman that I knew homeschooled. My heart started changing about it. I really never thought that Andrew would allow me to homeschool, but I did a lot of research and prayed about it. The more I fought the idea of homeschooling, the more led I felt to do it.

I began to feel like I didn’t know my boys anymore. I mean they were still my children, but I didn’t know them. I didn’t know their friends. They had this completely different life at school that I knew nothing about. When they would get home from school it was snack, homework, reading, a little bit of outside time, dinner, bath, and then bed. That is a lot to do in a 5-hour period. They came home asking questions about things that we were shocked about! They were using language that we did not allow or use in our home. Our life was just not going in the direction that I felt God wanted it to be.

Something had to change. I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to make it happen. I toyed with the idea of homeschooling the next year. My heart was full of worry for my boys and our family. I hated the direction and separation that I felt each day I dropped them off at school.

And then…

Andrew received a phone call about a job three hours away from where we lived. We had always wanted to move away but never had the resources to do it. I had never before seen God work in my life as He did in that month. He literally changed everything about our lives within weeks.

We moved within a month of my miscarriage. In one month God blessed me with a pregnancy and took it away for His Glory. I quit my job. My Faith was stronger than ever. He gave my husband a new job that he would love. He provided the income for us to move three hours away and I didn’t have to pack a single box. Well, maybe toothbrushes and liquids.

He provided the income to buy curriculum. He changed my husband’s heart about homeschooling.

So we moved. We rented an apartment and I didn’t know a soul. I only knew that God was in control and He had big plans for our future. I was determined that Homeschooling was the only way to rekindle my relationship with my boys and to introduce them to Christ in a new way. When we moved, I became very involved with my church and found myself surrounded by other homeschool families. Funny how God provides exactly what you need exactly when you need it most. I needed friends and I needed people in my life that would support my decision for homeschooling. Not many of my friends or family back home understood why we would take it on ourselves to educate our children.

We joined a PCA church. Having been raised Southern Baptist; this was a huge deal for me. I had never really known exactly what I believed. I knew that God loved me. I knew that His Grace saved me. I believed the Bible to be true. It was the why I believed it that I had a hard time with.

My family grew closer than ever. My Faith was stronger than it had ever been. I was learning what I believed and why. I saw how indoctrinated I was in evolution and was astonished that my boys were even more indoctrinated by evolution than I was. I could not believe how much they learned in public school that they never brought home. How could I have raised godly men if I didn’t give them the foundation to stand on? Yes, my kids could have been the light in the darkness but they were not ready. The Bible says in Luke 6:40, "A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher“ (NASB).

And now….

I have my boys back. I know them again. I have seen their relationship with the Lord grow and flourish. It was the hardest and best decision that I have ever made regarding my children. Homeschooling has changed my life. God has changed my life. He has made my family stronger. We stand together everyday. We learn side by side.

Deuteronomy 6: 5-7

5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength

6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.

7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.