Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Whore-Ox Bleach,” Abstain-Remover.

So for all you recently deconverted theists still struggling to overcome the sexual taboos imbedded in your mind by decades of slut-shaming, hell-mongering and bedroom advice from celibate pedophiles, try our extra strength suppositories and we promise they won’t be the last thing you stick in your ass.

“Whore-Ox Bleach,” safe for both whites and coloreds… even at the same time… and that’s okay now.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s August 7th,

And evolution’s so easy, a caveman can do it.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright, and from pluralistic New York, New York,

And “as monochromatic as legally enforceable” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

We learn that God never learned to drive stick,

A Louisiana archdiocese will play “Three Pedophile Monte,”

And the gays ruin Christian orphan hoarding for everyone.

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe:

Of all the arrows in the apologist’s quiver, you’ve gotta figure the whole, “Where do atheists get their morals?” bit has to be the last one they want to shoot. Because what they’re saying at that point is essentially, “I know we’re wrong, but if we admit it was all a lie, we’d all be raping each other’s ear-holes by September.”

It’s such a baffling question to me because it rests on the assumption that morality comes from god… but doesn’t everything come from god if you’re a theist? How is this any different than asking, “Without god, where do atheists get their orgasms?” Why are morals always singled out?

Now, obviously there’s a more nuanced form of this than the ear-hole rape version. They say that morals need an absolute, right? Otherwise you descend into moral relativism, in which case you have to admit that a culture can dictate what’s moral. They like to say that without an absolute moral authority to appeal to, there can only be moral change, not moral advancement.

Obviously there’s too much wrong with this argument to cram it all in one diatribe. I mean… there’s no divine authority on health or technology and those things can advance. I don’t need a man in the sky to tell me that my phone is superior to a loom. I know it because I have an objective standard… you know, like the ones we have for morality… harm, freedom, equality… that kind of shit.

And despite the spurious series of assumptions this nonsense apologetic relies on, there are plenty of theists that actually think it is some sort of checkmate. They say, “Morals must come from god, so if there’s no god, there’s no morals.” But they just… changed the definition of morals, right? I mean, the dictionary calls morals, “a person’s standard of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.” No mention of god there.

It’s like saying that from now on the definition of the word “egg” includes, “perfectly cubed,” and then lamenting the fact that there are no true eggs anymore. Matt Dillahunty has a great video, and I’ll link to it on the shownotes for this episode, where he argues that not only is a secular morality superior to a religious morality but, in fact, secular morality is the only kind that exists.

Now, a lot of atheists will demonstrate this fact by pointing to something we can all agree is immoral, but isn’t touched on in the bible. You ask them, “So, do you think slavery is immoral?” and they say, “Yes,” because they’re afraid a black person might hear them and you say, “So why do you think that’s immoral? Never says that in your bible. God never says slavery is immoral. You just know it is because your secular morals tell you it is.”

This might be effective sometimes, but it sort of misses their point. Because these people think the Holy Ghost lives in their head and gives them instructions, like the little alien that drives Oprah Winfrey. So when you say “it isn’t in the bible,” they say, “well god just whispered it into my brain,” and somehow they don’t recognize how batshit insane that sounds. And among the advantages of this line of, let’s call it “thinking,” is that it also immunizes them in case you point out that atheists are, by reasonable measures, as moral as religious people. Well of course we are, because god is whispering right from wrong into our brains, too; we just don’t realize it.

Of course, they’re only that sophisticated with their stupid when they have to be. I’ve spoken with a number of theists that were genuinely curious what kept me from raping immigrants. They like to paint this hellish picture of what the world would look like without the threat of sky-daddy’s brimstone-timeouts. And if you counter by pointing out that the least religious nations are the most lawful and the most religious nations are the most violent, they’ll retreat to prehistory and talk about how bad civilization would have been without the advantage of the “Divine Ass Rape of Damocles.”

But in truth, the last thing they should want to bring up is morality. It’s the weakest link in their chain and it’s my favorite way of pointing out what’s so damn dangerous about religion. When theists ask me where I get my morals, I prefer to tell them where I don’t get them. I don’t get them from absolute authorities. I don’t get them from ancient texts. I don’t get them from voices in my head. I don’t get them from somebody whose moral authority rests solely on his mastery of mythology. I don’t get them from a book that so readily offered moral justifications for slavery, institutionalized sexism, child abuse, genocide and torture.

So where do morals come from? I don’t know. Where do fantasies come from? Where do ideas come from? Where do fears and fallacies come from? Tell you what, theists, I’ll make you a deal. We rationalists will keep looking into that and when we have a definitive answer, we’ll get back to you. All we ask in return is that between now and then you refrain from nuking the fucking planet over that extremely moral institutions you keep talking about.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is adverbally adjective-ish, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to verb?

I’d like to verb my noun on S.E. Cupp’s face … Will we get a chance to look into that???

I’d commission a mural of it on my ceiling.

Two pearls one Cupp … In our lead story tonight, from the “Foxy Moron” file, conservative atheist political pundette S.E. Cupp – after her daily shift behind the glass as prize specimen at the Exotic Republican Zoo – proclaimed during a video for CNN’s Crossfire, that conservative atheists are better at godlessness that liberal atheists. Then she got back inside the glass walls and ceiling for the evening shift …

I hear they used to have soundproof glass but they learned that as long as people could hear her, they didn’t need the jizz mopper.

On the outside wall, anyway. And women don’t usually have enough power to reach the glass ceiling … So I thought she might talk about how liberalism more closely aligns with the teachings of Jesus than conservativism … That wouldn’t have helped her case … <Not really> but it would have been better than her actual argument … which went something like this: “Atheist Republicans – who are beholden to a constituency full of evangelicals – are forced to feign imaginary sympathy more than atheist Democrats … And that makes conservative atheists better … Because intellectual honesty is … bad– sputter sputter sputter hissssssss.”

I saw an interesting counter-argument by somebody named ‘The Exact Same Bitch Making a Contradictory Point,’ who said (quote) “In fact, I’d go so far as to say conservatism is far more intellectually honest and respectful of atheism than liberalism has been.” (end quote) So… sorry to interrupt, Southeast, you were saying something about ‘Intellectual honesty?’

Her remarks start to make a little more sense when you consider Cupp’s description of her personal brand of monotheistic atheism (quote) “I don’t believe in God, but I’m not mad at him either.” (end quote) … So unlike Bill Maher – who she castigates for being radically zero-godded – Cupp subscribes to a more accommodating, moderate sect of atheism called Christianity … She believes in half a god as a compromise, but rounds it up to one if she’s on FOX.

And in “It’s not like they didn’t pay for their own lube” news tonight, Minneapolis archbishop John C. Nienstedt is refusing to relinquish his post an awful lot these days. Nienstedt is facing calls for his resignation from prominent Catholics, local politicians, state newspapers, the kid’s whose asses he allowed to be raped and all other people who are familiar with this situation on even a cellular level; but Nienstedt vows to continue fighting for the rights of priests to molest children with impunity but pretends it’s because he really loves running the soup kitchen.

Here’s the problem though … You can’t just conjure up new clergy on command. It’s not so easy to find someone who can read, ladle, and not abuse kids.

While he freely admits that he mishandled abuse allegations in the past, he did vociferously deny that he was actively engaged in homosexual relationships, which prompted reporters to point out that nobody was saying he was, to which he responded, (quote) “Good, because I’m not,” (end quote).

“You want me to go have penis-vagina sex right now?!? … With an adult … I’ll do it!!!”

The actual defense he’s using here is the claim that while he was shown memos about problem priests, he didn’t fully grasp the scope of the troubles until last fall. Last Fall!? As in since we’ve been doing this show. So the guy who runs the diocese was less informed on the catholic child-fucking thing than Heath and me until ten months ago, when his chancellor of canonical affairs resigned her position in disgust and went public with the information. So yes, his story is that the person who quit her job because of his refusal to adequately address these allegations never told him about the allegations.

Sounds like this guy’s had his head up his ass … or someone else’s … for decades.

Critics of Nienstedt, also known as “humans” note that this guy is egregious even compared to other Catholic molestor-enablers. Minnesota Lawyer Jeff Anderson describes the abuse under Nienstedt’s supervision (quote) “among the most grave we’re ever encountered” (end quote). And as if to demonstrate the astounding extent to which he doesn’t get it, when describing his renewed commitment to protecting children from sexual abuse, the words he chose were promising to (I shit you not this is what he said) “take a more hands on approach” (end quote).

And in “Psychics prophesize failure to predict things, thus failing” news … Exactly zero of the thousands of self-proclaimed magical people in the world, have managed to cash in on the long-standing enormous money offer from famous skeptic James Randi. So assuming magic clearly exists … It seems every single prophet, astrologer, warlock, and faith healer … has an ethical dilemma about taking a million dollars from an atheist and donating it to charity.

Most interesting, from an ethical perspective, is the fact that it’s only the real wizards that refuse to take the test. Because the fake ones are just lining up…

As many of you may know, the James Randi Educational Foundation has offered a one million dollar prize to anyone that can demonstrate a supernatural ability under legitimate experimental conditions. This has existed since 1996, and was also offered in smaller sums going back to 1964. So again, given magic clearly exists, that’s half a century of assholes that can do magic, but won’t share it with the world unless they’re standing next to a dumbwaiter.

But it’s worth noting that the Million Dollar Challenge isn’t limited to warlocks and astrologers. It covers all kinds of bullshit esoteric claims like being able to audibly differentiate between Monster Cables and a cable that costs 90% less.

Since the prize was first offered, over a thousand wizards have been tested, and none of them have even passed the preliminary test, designed by the wizard, and agreed upon in advance by both parties as a pre-requisite proof of concept. This fact is cited by critics, suggesting Randi is using anti-magic and confundus charms to hinder applicants. This same fact is cited by Randi as evidence that magic doesn’t exist.

That’s the funniest part of this thing to me. They make sure that every claimant agrees that the testing protocol is fair beforehand. So 100% of the claimants will tell you before the test that the metrics are fair; and almost the same percentage will tell you afterwards that they aren’t.

The most recent attempt at the million – by Dragon Ball Z character, Mr. Fei Wang – was the final event at TAM 2014 in Las Vegas last month. If you don’t know already … Show of hands … Who thinks he won the million? … You guys are a smart audience … So despite Wang’s best efforts, during his preliminary test, he was unable to shoot invisible energy balls through cardboard, any better than placebo Goku, Jamy Ian Swiss. In fact, Liu Kang was clearly worse. The data from that experiment show Mr. Swiss is actually batting a thousand at shooting invisible energy balls. Next year at TAM, he may fight Raiden.

And in “Mike and Mike in the Morning Mass” news tonight, Congressional Republicans Mike Enzi and Mike Kelly have proposed legislation that would protect the rights of religious adoption agencies to violate the rights of other people. The bill uses vague language to avoid actually saying “fudge-packers” in the bill, instead carrying on with references to “sincerely held religious beliefs” and the “moral convictions of the provider.” This is obviously a political ploy to allow southern representatives to later argue that they thought the bill was to keep white kids from being adopted by the negroes.

It’s adoptions or abortions … Can’t have it both ways.

Now, I think it’s worth noting exactly what they’re trying to protect here. Even in the states that fully recognize gay marriage, there’s no law that says that adoption agencies have to give kids to gay couples. It’s just that some of them say that state-funded adoption agencies have to. So it’s okay to use needy children as a political weapon in your futile effort to maintain pre-renaissance morality, you just can’t do it on the taxpayer’s dime. Which means that the proposed bill wouldn’t so much insulate the adoption agencies from anti-discrimination laws, since they’re already exempted from them. It would protect the bigots rights to have their bigotry financed by the government.

Basic freedoms … Now I’m aware that people hate to hear about boring shit like relevant data, but they’re gonna today. Numerous recent studies show that children raised by same-sex couples are – if anything – given better parenting on average.

Well sure, obviously, because all gay parents and intentionally parents. You can’t accidentally become a gay parent.

Right, they weren’t born gay parents. It’s a choice. But for all practical purposes, potential adopters should really only need to outperform orphanages. Gay parents beating straight parents was gravy.

And the gays do like their gravy. Catholic adoption agencies have grown particularly adept at the weaponization of orphans over the past decade. In several instances they’ve famously shut down adoption services statewide rather than abide by the principles of equality. They’ve literally stopped helping children altogether because they’ve prioritized their malignant xenophobia over the welfare of parentless children. And think about what a sacrifice it is for a bunch of Catholic priests to just walk away from a bunch of helpless, rape-ripe orphans. So they’re serious about this shit.

Yeah … “Weaponized Orphans” … That actually happened. Church-run shelters in Colorado and Illinois basically threatened to throw an orphan out of the airplane every ten minutes, until they got their bigotry subsidy check from the government.

And from the “Awkward but Well-funded Reunion” file, this year marks the tenth anniversary of the legal settlement in which the Roman Catholic Diocese of Lafayette – in Louisiana – paid out twenty-six million dollars to 123 victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their clergy, dating back to the 1950’s. Given such a large sum of money, the church feels it’s tacky to ask about minutiae like: “Who are the pedophiles?”

Right… because what were they buying for their twenty-six large if not the retroactive consent of the victims?

In response to justified suspicion that some of the guilty priests are still at large (and even still practicing), The Daily Adviser emailed the diocese, asking which ones – specifically – are the known rapists. Their response was basically: “Why? … No! … You are!” … According to a response email from the in-house publicist they require, the bishop in charge of the place, Michael Jarrell, (quote) “sees no purpose in such action.” (end quote) … No purpose!!!

I believe they then added (quote) “Do you know how hard it is to fuck kids these days when you’re a Catholic Priest? Even the four and five year olds have heard about us by now. If we told you their names they wouldn’t stand a chance.” (end fake quote)

“So we’ll just need those names, so we can get the anklets installed.” …

“I believe our insurance company paid their debt to society. Haven’t these pedophiles been punished enough?!?” … No. No they have not …

And by the way, I bet the Tea Party would get on board, if you could get settlements like this from your ObamaCare plan. Jesus is a lot like a pre-existing condition for these kids. It’s not their fault.

And in “Answers in Carcino-Genesis” news tonight, Christianity has discovered the cure for cancer. And it turns out, and you probably saw this coming, it’s a cross that rises a twenty-third of a mile into the air. The giant cancer-killing cross is the Kidney-child of couple of Alabama businessmen who are sick and damn tired of the largest cross in the country being in that there state what Lincoln come from. They hope to raise the estimated $750,000 needed to construct the monstrosity through a crowdfunding site that says, in no uncertain terms, that building giant crosses can cure cancer. And divorce.

And cancer and divorce keep existing … so “BIGGER!!! … MORE PERPENDICULAR!!!” …

The miraculous claims come under the “How can I help?” section of the website and somewhere amidst the time-cube level logic (and website presentation), the project’s leaders assert that the giant torture-device-replica could, through the simple merit of being seen by a passing heathen motorist, turn them back to Jesus. And, as almost goes without saying, thereby heal their devil-cancer and save their marriage.

The website also shares the miraculous vision that prompted then 32 year old Jon Butler to dedicate himself to spending double a soup kitchen’s decadal budget building a giant lower-case “t.” I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say that before the holy spirit filled him with this vision, the tapedeck on his Chevy Astrovan used to eat cassette tapes. Afterwards? Well, like I said, I’m not gonna spoil it.

And in “Jesus Swallows … turns the other cheek, and swallows again” news, Oak Ridge Alliance Church – of Oak Ridge, Tennessee – decided to teach the virtue of forgiveness, with a blow job metaphor on their marquee. The following message adorned the large sign on their front lawn … at least until one single person who’s heard of mouth sex saw it … (quote) “Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit.” (end quote) …

It’s a shame more pastors don’t read “The Friendly Atheist” blog because Hemant’s been trying to tell them. Before you go live with the marquee, just run it by one honest fourteen year old.

So I guess … (awful swallowing noise) … Jesus forgives you. And he clearly fellated some dudes against his will, for our sins … So let’s all be grateful … Okay, we did shitting last week … So speaking of blumpkins … Everyone google “blumpkin”, by the way … I’ll wait …

Because the key to a blumpkin is patience. You don’t want to finish before you finish.

Blumpkin Donuts: Breakfast of Champions … Moving on quickly–I’m thinkin’ we give the advertising department over at Oak Ridge Alliance Church, some new ideas for the marquee. We’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Oral Sex” … GO!!!

And finally tonight, from the “Stand Your Fudge Round” file, the First Baptist Church of Royal Palm Beach has discovered a new way of helping put roofs over the heads of the homeless; you can have them arrested. The inspiration came when a cleaning lady employed by the church caught a homeless man stealing cookies that were meant for the homeless, at which time she called 911 to report the aggravated wafer-mastication. This might sound like an overreaction to some, but keep in mind, we’re talking about Florida, a state where it’s legal to kill somebody for carrying Skittles, so it’s not like normal earth.

“And he had a hoodie … And a shitty drink nobody likes … Arizona?!? Really?!? SNAPPLE PEACH ICED TEA!!! All about the Snapple peach iced tea!!! … What an asshole!!!”

Despite the facts that the church regularly feeds the homeless and the estimated value of “2014’s Great Snickerdoodle Heist” was around two dollars and twenty-five cents, the church elected to press charges, explaining that it was for the vagrant’s own good. They argued on their Facebook page that he wasn’t just eating cookies. He was also drunk or high or something probably. Because he’s homeless. And homeless people take drugs.

“This is a church … You can’t just show up and expect us to hand out tax-break subsidized Jesus cookies every week. That would be crazy.”

Luckily the Palm Beach “Sesame Street Crime Unit” was on hand and acted quickly before any more Oreos could be forcibly bifurcated. There are mixed reports that the perpetrator was on probation at the time for taking extra sips at the 7-11 soda machine, though reports that he could be the infamous Palm Beach “Pie cooling on a windowsill” bandit remain unconfirmed.

And with the reassurance that this malefactor is behind bars where he belongs, we’ll kind of close the headlines segment for the night. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, we’re gonna still be doing headlines.

This Week in Misogyny:

I’d like to dedicate this week’s segment to one of my all time favorite jews, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who could probably kick Jesus’s ass even at her advanced age.

The wily old Supreme Court Justice is continuing to not shut up about the court’s recent (and horribly misguided) decision in the Hobby Lobby case. Speaking to an audience of law students last week, she pointed out that’s it nifty that some of the guys on the Supreme Court are getting behind the idea of equal rights for the three percent of the population that’s gay; but it would also be nice if they could extend that to the fifty-one percent that aren’t men.

When asked about her charge of hypocrisy from the Roberts court, Chief Justice John Roberts pointed out that she was probably just PMSing or menopausing or whatever.

But as dismissive as the court is of women’s rights, it turns out that one group of voters is paying attention… women. A new poll by “Hart Research Associates” suggests that the majority of female American voters would not vote for a candidate that supports the Supreme Court’s decision to prioritize the wishes of imaginary men over those of real women. Crazy.

But the New York based “Satanic Temple” is seeking to use the errant ruling for the powers of good. Citing their own “religious” belief that science is right and superstition is wrong, they claim that the “informed consent” laws that require women seeking abortions to listen to a religiously-inspired, factually dubious screed about how evil baby-murder is a violation of their religion. Specifically their sincerely held belief that superstition and invasive medical procedures don’t mix.

When reporters asked legal experts about the case, they were doubtful that anything would come of it; to which the Satanic Temple replied, “Reporters asked you about it, didn’t they? Then something came of it.” In other words, of course they’re going to lose this fight. And in so doing they’re going to expose the fact that in today’s legal landscape, corporations are people in ways that people could only dream of, and I’d say that’s a victory.

And finally tonight, we have something that starts out looking like a glimmer of hope in the middle east, but isn’t. A female anchor on the Saudi news channel Al Ekhbariya appeared on screen boldly showing the top of her head and side-cheek.

But no, this isn’t a step forward… it’s an accident that the network apologized for almost immediately with the explanation that she was broadcasting out of the Infidel city of London, but they’d have been sure to throw some acid on her if she tried that shit back home. And they also promised that it would never happen again.

That being said, if you want one bad enough, I suppose you can find a glimmer of hope in Saudi Arabia. For instance, over the last few years, women have been permitted to work as cashiers at supermarkets and lingerie shops, so who knows, maybe we’ll see bicycling without a chaperone in our lifetimes.

Alright then. From the “I Bet it’s not Really Gourmet” file tonight, Mary’s Gourmet Diner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina got an impromptu social-media ad campaign this week when their policy of offering a 15% discount to people who pray before they eat. While the people getting the discount seem thrilled, others have pointed out that it’s thinly veiled bigotry. The diner’s management dismiss those charges by pointing out that it’s not that they’re charging atheists more, they’re just charging Christians less. So it’s not discrimination, it’s just… regular scrimination.

Maybe Christians can use that money for good somehow … Hmmm??? What can you do with 15 percent of the bill at the end of a meal … Buy thousands of tiny pamphlets, and give them to restaurant workers??? … They’ll come up with something.

And in “Geico Offers Atheist Discount” news, <Geico joke fresh off the 15% off joke… he’s on fire!> Indiana motorists Prionda Hill and Anthony Oliveri were almost murdered by God in Fort Wayne last month, when the deity hijacked Hill’s Pontiac Grand Prix … then either merged badly or briefly stopped existing … and finally proceeded to drive it over Oliveri’s motorcycle and adjacent sprawling human body. Does collision cover acts of god?

If Jesus loved you, you wouldn’t be driving a Pontiac, living in Indiana or named “Prionda.”

And in “Now Why Will Congressman Check into Sleazy Motels?” news, assistant House Whip Steven Palazzo went all Gideon last week and sent bibles to all 535 members of Congress, including the token Muslim. The bibles came with a letter encouraging all legislators to let god’s word preempt petty mortal things like statistics and expert recommendations when it comes to making life and death decisions for their constituents.

That’s nice and everything, but it’s a little too late for Gabrielle Giffords to wear a Bible attached to her face. She’s not even in Congress anymore. Late – awkward.

…quitter. Speaking on behalf of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, Barry Lynn suggested perhaps Palazzo consult a slightly more modern guide to governance that his fellow Tea-Party members ejaculate about almost as often as the bible. You know, that founding document that protects your right to bring your elephant gun to Target? That’s the one.

And in “Poophole Loophole 2.0” news … It’s been over a year and a half since Washington State cleverly legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day, thus allowing men to lie together and get stoned, like Leviticus teaches. Colorado already has the weed taken care of, but thanks to a recent homophobic ruling by the state supreme court, they won’t yet have the gay marriage part. So for now, it’s just a bunch of dudes standing around getting stoned. Couch? Love seat?

I was picturing “giant champagne glass-shaped hot tub filled with vaseline,” but I usually am.

And in “Learning to Count with Herpes Simplexes” news tonight, a quick update to last week’s herpetic jewish pedophile story. You’ll recall us talking last week about two babies contracting genital herpes from having their recently mutilated cocks orally massaged by grown men with festering mouth sores. Well, it turns out that the Orthodox Jewish community has taken action and banned these two particular disease-ridden rabbis from sucking baby cock. They’ll have other, less viral people suck the baby cock like civilized human beings, so glad to see that they learned their lesson.

Great … They’re gonna take this on a case by case basis … “If a baby gets syphilis, we’ll ban syphilis. Very simple.”

And with that we’re gonna actually close headlines for the night. Heath, thanks again.

I’ll be honest, I was surprised you were ready to go again so soon. Not bad for a guy your age. You can make up for a lot with good girth and good reboot time.

And when we come back we almost certainly won’t still be doing headlines.

Skit:

Last name, first name, middle initial?

Christ, Jesus H.

Are you the Jesus H. Christ?

Well actually…

…from Twitter?

…no. That’s some other guy.

Okay. Here’s your number. If you’d like to take a look at some of these pamphlets while you’re waiting.

Do you have them in Aramaic?

Is that what the terrorist language?

Nevermind…

(Seat creaks, papers rattle)

Psst… hey buddy, you here for the defensive driving course?

Yeah.

So… what did you do?

Took the wheel for some crazy bitch in Indiana and creamed a motorcyclist.

Heh… nice.

“Christ, Jesus H.”

That’s me…

Good luck, buddy.

My name is Edward McKinnon, I’ll be your driving instructor today. Are you ready for your exam?

Yeah, I guess. I just don’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about this. I’ve been driving since there were cars for my sake.

Look buddy, the only reason you’re not sitting in a jail cell right now is because your dad has connections. At the time of the accident your blood alcohol level was “wine”.

It started as water…

Follow me, please.

(Door opens, outdoor noises)

Which car is yours, Mr. Christ?

The one over there with the me-fish…

Is that tint legal?

Through a glass darkly, baby.

(doors open and close) (throat clear) (car starts)

Seatbelts…

Um… I resurrect so I don’t know if that’s exactly necessary.

It’s the law.

Even if you’re immortal?

It’s the law.

(Seatbelt noise)

Has this vehicle passed emissions testing?

Trust me, that’s not gonna matter. Where we goin?

Now, I want you to pull out of this parking lot and make a left at the stop sign.

And away we go…

(Turn signal noise)

You can disengage the turn signal now.

Easy for a guy with no holes in his hand to say. One second. (Squishy sound)

Now maintain this lane until you reach the…

(Window rolls down)

…There’s no need to… hey, you can’t stick your head out the window while you’re driving!

(honking) “I love me, baby!”

Get back in here!

Sorry… the bumper sticker, right? How could I not?

Could you please roll the window back up?

Okay, but first check this out. I stick my hand out the window and…

(whistling)

Very amusing, Mr. Christ. Now please roll up the window.

(Window rolls up)

You’ll want to slow down. The speed limit in this area is 45.

Chill out.

Slow down, Mr. Christ. There’s water on the road up there.

I invented hydroplaning, dude.

Look out!

(Squealing tires, Car crashes)

(moaning)

So… did I pass?

Are you fucking kidding me!? You broke every driving law we have… you’re clearly inebriated and I’ve got a crossing guard’s sign sticking through my intestines! Of course you didn’t pass!

Are you sure about that? Because that wound looks pretty severe…

What are you trying to say?

It would just be a shame if I suddenly unforgave you.

You heartless bastard!

Dad! Eddie McKinnon called me a…

Alright! Damn it, you pass.

Apology accepted. Tell uncle Pete I said “hi.”

(Slide whistle)

WTFI

What the fuck is… Wicca?

Wicca began in the 1950s as an attempt by horny men to see more naked women, and has since morphed into a means by which horny spiritualists of both genders can ogle one anothers genitals.

While most Wiccans will tell you the faith dates back tens of thousands of years, the truth is that they’re full of shit. The faith began in the early fifties and was first referenced in works by Gerald Gardner beginning in 1954. Additional authors with increasingly absurd pen names have continued to develop the faith over the past six decades to create an impossibly garbled web of nonsense and deepities.

Because of this lack of centralization, the definition and beliefs of Wiccans vary greatly from region to region, coven to coven and individual to individual. These differences are largely overlooked within the neo-pagan community because they’re all too stoned to give a shit and most of them are going to give up on this silly Wicca thing by the time they’re twenty-six anyway.

There are a few core beliefs that can be found in almost all iterations of Wicca. One is the duotheistic nature of their theology and an emphasis on both male and female aspects of god. Many if not most Wiccans tend to focus the majority of their worship on the goddess figure because she’s the one with the boobs.

Another common tenet of the faith is an open and progressive attitude toward sex. Nudity, sex and masturbation play an integral part in many Wiccan rituals, and while their attitude is a welcome contrast to the prudery of most religious traditions, in practice sex-positive is often utterly indistinguishable with sex-coercive.

At its core, Wicca is a nature religion, worshipping trees, flowers, insects and other things that look trippy when you’re on acid. This is often expressed in a dangerously stupid belief in herbal therapies, nonsense-based medical treatments; and gross misapplications of the word “energy.”

But the most visible aspect of Wicca is their belief in ritual magic. Just in case nobody was going to make fun of them, Wiccans have a series of what they call “elemental weapons” which include a magic wand, a magic knife, a handful of polyhedral dice and a character sheet. They use these weapons to call upon spirits such as the “Undines of the East,” the “Sylphs of the North,” the “Salamanders of the South,” and I’m serious.

Wicca draws upon both misinterpretations of ancient pagan rituals and misinterpretations of modern hermetic rituals in an attempt to multiply bullshit by horseshit. This leads to a convoluted ritual structure that is impossible to take seriously even by those performing it. In fact, the simple ability to utter phrases like “I banish you, Salamanders of the South,” with a straight face is the single qualification for the title of “Wiccan High Priest.”

Of course, you can’t have a serious discussion of the Wiccan faith without bringing up the strong lunar influence in their beliefs, so I won’t.

Gather round, boys and girls. Today we’re gonna open our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the Old Testament’s most admirable mass murderers, Samson. And like all good biblical heroes, Samson tortures animals, massacres the innocent, vandalizes property, cons his friends, treats his wife like shit and racks up a huge body count.

But before any of that happened… in fact, even before he was born, an angel came to his mother. Or at least, that’s what his mother told his father when his impotent father came home and found his wife pregnant. But Samson’s father doubted his wife’s tale, which is the last time in this entire story that somebody will act in accordance with logic.

The angel told his mother that Samson would be a “Nazirite,” which meant that he had special magical Jew-powers as long as he never cut his hair. So Samson grew up to be a super-strength scraggly hippy and eventually his balls dropped and he set off to find some sweet Philistine ass. He saw a woman named Timnah in town and decided she looked young and moist, so he headed to her house to ask for her hand in marriage.

But along the way, Samson was attacked by a lion because sometimes the bible follows the Michael Bay rule of random action beats. So Samson kicked the lion’s ass and tore it into pieces because dismembering animals is very heroic. Then he went to Timnah’s house and she agreed to marry him. But on the way home to tell his parents the good news, he came back across the shredded corpse of the lion he’d fought and while he was gone, some silly bees had built a nest in it’s rancid intestines!

Well, like anybody would if they came across a bee’s nest in a rotting carcass, he decided to eat a handful of honey out of it and files the moment away in case he ever needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle.

So a few days later, Samson was at a party and needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle, so he said, “I bet you can’t guess what I ate some honey out of,” and while the Philistines explained that that wasn’t exactly a riddle, Samson went on to promise them all nice new clothes if they could figure out the answer.

But Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman. He told his fiancee the answer and she told it to the thirty Philistines. So they came back and demanded all the nice new clothes Samson had promised them. But Samson was as clever as he was homicidal so instead of buying new clothes, he just killed thirty random people, stripped them naked and gave the Philistines their clothes.

He also decided he didn’t want his wife anymore so he gave her to a friend. But then he changed his mind and decided he wanted her after all. But it was too late because his friend was already dicking her.

Samson was very angry so he set a couple of foxes on fire and sent them running through her family’s farms, burning all the food they would need to stay alive over the winter. Needless to say, they were very upset and went to Samson’s family and demanded he be turned over for justice.

Well, they turned him over alright. They tied him up and gave him to an army of innocent people who were just doing their job to keep the peace. But Samson broke through his binds, grabbed the discarded jawbone of a donkey and murdered all of them with it. And it must have been pretty gruesome because if you think about it, the only way to logically kill somebody with a jawbones is to gouge their eyes out, stick it in their ear or cram it up their ass. So it probably got pretty messy.

But just when all the homicide was going so well for Samson, along came a woman named Delilah. And like pretty much all the women who come along in bible stories, she was bad news. But Samson didn’t care because she had a vagina. But even better, she was into kinky bondage and discipline stuff, like when a mommy crams a ball gag into a daddy’s mouth and whips his scrotum with a riding crop.

But little did he know, her kink was actually a clever ploy to capture him and make him dance like a monkey. So after a couple of really obvious failed attempts to discover his kryptonite, Samson eventually tells her that he would be completely powerless if he cut his hair. So she cut his hair. Because women in the bible are pretty much always evil. Or raped. Or killed. Or all three.

So once he was sporting the Patrick Stewart look, Delilah helped the Philistines capture him and poke out his eyes. And then they chained him up so people could come and throw shit at him. But they kept him chained up so long that eventually his hair grew back and he pulled the building down from within, killing himself, Delilah and all the evil people who had captured him. And nobody lived happily ever after because they were all crushed to death.

The end.

Feedback:

It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the part of the show where we answer questions, correct errors, feign apologies and offer superfluous explanations of what “listener feedback” means.

Our first message comes in the form of a correction. We already spent a big chunk of a feedback segment clarifying our story about Liberty University’s new medical program, but Danny writes us to point a mistake we missed. I got the city right (Lynchburg) but I got the state wrong. As Danny points out, (quote)

“It’s not Lynchburg, Tennessee, (home of pretty good bourbon), but rather Lynchburg, Virginia, (home of not much).

And I’d also like to preemptively correct Danny’s correction by pointing out that Jack Daniels is a long way from “pretty good bourbon.”

Yes, so one more time, because this is important. It’s the place named after murdering black people in Virginia, not the place named after murdering black people in Tennessee.

Our next email comes from Mr. “A Color” from “A Place” emails to ask why I’m so much more of a podcast whore than Heath. He writes;

“I hear you a lot of the time on other podcasts such as Cognitive Dissonance, and The Imaginary Friend Show, but usually Heath doesn’t appear. Just curious as to why that is.”

Would you invite me to say words on your show?!? Noah edits out about 95 percent of the things I say. You guys only hear the clean stuff … That being said, I am capable of lifting my hand from the third rail if needed, so if invited, I’d be happy to appear on other shows more often in the future, when I can more easily afford to devote the extra time. And generous patreons can help make that happen.

So for the record, Heath and I split all the money that doesn’t go to new equipment or hosting down the middle. Patreon, PayPal, the book… 50/50. That being said, since he’s in New York and I’m in Podunk, Georgia, I can pay my rent, my utilities, my insurance, my cable, my phone bill, my Guatemalan masseuse, buy a months worth of groceries and an eight ball for the same amount Heath pays to share an apartment with two other dudes.

So all I can afford beyond the rent, is the masseuses and the eight balls. New Yorkers learn to make sacrifices.

Anyway, end result is that I’m able to do this full time, Heath still has a real job, so I’m a lot easier to schedule for other appearances. That and everybody’s afraid Heath will make AIDS jokes… in a bad way.

And finally, we had a Facebook message from one of earth’s top eleven people, April, asking for advice on dealing with the cookie-baking Christians Noah talked about in his diatribe a couple of weeks ago. Specifically, she wondered how to respond when a sweet old lady at work says, “It’s okay, honey, god loves you.”

So I guess this has top ten written all over it, huh?

For April? Anything. So top ten answers to a sweet old lady telling you god loves you.

And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending those Tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and blog comments.

Outro:

Before we get to the prestige tonight, I wanted to encourage you one more time to check out Adam’s site and give if you can. It’s a great opportunity to help an atheist that needs your help. Again, you can find links to donate on our homepage, along with links to episodes of his show where you find more details about Iman’s story. Oh, and incidentally, if the Ray Comfort sketch tested your bladder, that’s Adam’s fault so be sure to direct your anger (and stream) toward him on that one.

That’s all we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. Like I mentioned in the Feedback segment, I’m a bit of a podcast whore so when Thomas from Atheistically Speaking invited me on to talk about the situation in Gaza I didn’t let my downright embarrassing lack of expertise slow me down. You can find our conversation on episodes 55 and 56 of his show, both of which you’ll find linked on the shownotes and transcript for this episode.

I also need to thank Lucinda for knocking another Bible Story out of the park as well as all the other contributions she makes to the show every week. Of course I need to thank Heath for bringing his endearing breed of faux-bigotry and shit jokes to this enterprise; definitely couldn’t make this show happen every week without him.

Of course, I also need to thank Adam for joining us tonight and I need to thank Chuck, Willie and “little monkey Chuck” from “Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories” podcast. If you just can’t get enough “Damn are Mormons wacky” in your life, you’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people; Stephen, Roger, Thomas, Jeremiah, Johanna, Gerard, Tony, Daniel, Matt and David. Stephen, Roger and Thomas, who are so virile they have to put a condom on when they sext; Jeremiah, Johanna and Gerard, who are so clever they just convinced Muhammad that mountains are overrated; and Tony, Daniel, Matt and David, whose mighty fists are measured in Sharknados per meter squared.

Together these ten august, benevolent, charitable, distinguished, extraordinary, fucktastic, gracious, honorable individuals aided our quest to decimate the decalogue this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the alphabetical list of positive attributes required to give us money, but if you think you’re up for the challenge, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com; which will earn you bonus stuff; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.

Also, there’s one donor who I forgot to thank a couple weeks ago. They got in touch with me and I filed it away in my head to compliment the shit out of them tonight, but then I couldn’t remember if they got in touch through email or Twitter or Facebook or Patreon or the Blog or what and I couldn’t find the message when I was putting together this week’s outro. So a thousand apologies. Please send me one last email and I will let the world now how incredibly above average your genitals are.

And, of course, you can also help us a ton for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or checking us out on Stitcher. And apparently leaving a review on Stitcher is a huge pain in the ass so don’t worry so much about that, but if you like to listen on the go, definitely check us out on Stitcher and help push our rank up there.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Omg the part in DMV skit where JC sticks his hand out the window of the moving car (to impress his driving instructor) and you hear the whistling sound–fucking HILARIOUS. Nearly pissed my pants.

So good. What was the actual sound effect from? It sounds exactly how I would expect a two inch deep scarred yet fleshy orifice on a palm to sound if it were sticking out the window of a moving car. Superb production quality, as always. You are a good man, and thorough.

Atheist Tithing Option:

In this week’s episode, Amazon stops recommending killing your child, Mike Pompeo refuses to grant a separate but equal press briefing for the secular media, and you won’t believe what Moses’s brother does with a calf. Learn more about International Atheist day here: http://www.atheistrepublic.com/atheist-day Come see Noah in Austin on 3/23\. Find info here: […]

In this week’s episode, Jenny Mccarthy will refuse to accept the existence of Denmark, Heath will make a pi joke for three math nerds, and George Pell will spend less time in prison that we’ve spent doing this show. --- For more info about American Atheists’ Annual convention, click here: https://www.aacon2019.org/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.c […]

In this week’s episode, we’ll play a bunch of out of date headlines we recorded before we left for Denver, Eli and Heath will take advantage of Noah not being around to greenlight the final edit, and Tom and Cecil show up to help us prove that if you can’t say something nice about somebody it should act as no impediment to talking about them. --- Last chance […]

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