As a child we all want to be superheros of some kind. I've found my way of being a super hero...I'm a surrogate. I want to share with others my journeys, and hope that people will both learn about surrogacy, and want to be part of it, it is a beautiful world, welcome to it.

Monday, July 4, 2016

I know that I didn't follow through on updating this blog through out my cycle and I feel that karma has come back in some weird way.

The evening of June 18th I got a positive OPK, which was, two days sooner than expected. My IP's had flown in early and we were ready to go with a few changes of course.

We made our introductions June 19th, in the evening. It was awkward but I was determined. This was going to happen and it was going to go smoothly.

Well, it didn't completely go smoothly but we finally made the first insemination that evening. We did another on June 20th in the morning (which I know is not medically advised, for optimal results, you should wait a minimum of 48hrs in between to boost sperm count and seminal fluid since without that fluid, nothing protects the sperm from the acid environment of the vagina).

Through out the week we did things together, sometimes with half of my children (the other half were still in school) and one day I became a cool mom, and we jigged in order to go to a historical site, but I WAS advised that they would learn more out of school that day than in).

Monday we went to the beach with the kids and it was so fun! First time down at the beach for the summer. It was a hot day and I was ill prepared to be honest since I had rushed out the door. An hour and a half at the beach and Willow had just about had enough of the sun and heat.

Tuesday is the day I became a fun mom and pulled them from school and we spent just about 7 hours walking through a historical site. It was so interesting, but it was my second time there. the children absolutely LOVED it, even with all the mosquitoes. We slept very well that night. It was a long day and I got extra mileage since almost a quarter of the way through, I realized I had forgotten my water bottles for myself, and the kids. I had to turn around pushing the stroller to the van and then try to catch up.

Wednesday was laundry day. I don't say that to be cute, my IP's were literally out of clothing and had to wash them, and I took the opportunity to try very hard to straighten up the house, we had been away the weekend before and the house kind of took a crap beating if you know what I mean. I was also running out of cute clothes (okay...clothes in general...I'll be writing in my mom blog today to explain that one).

Thursday...oh yes. Thursday. I was pretty pooped out from the whole week and I tried to keep busy. I was 4-5dpo and I was still trying not to test. I was doing a shit job at trying to ignore the fact that I should be getting a positive soon if it had taken. It started to enter my mind multiple times per day and I had all of those tests sitting there. Watching me. Calling for me. My IP's hiked at Mount Carleton, they had invited us, but my days are consumed by school runs and the drive would have been 1.5hrs each way, just in driving I would have to be back to get the kids from school. But they enjoyed it and loved the outdoors and fresh air.

Friday was our day to say farewell. It was also 5-6dpo and I had started to test like a mad woman. Not he cheapy tests...those only show up positive long after the first response tests. I had already bought quite a bit of tests and I started to eat through them...the next day, afterall, we had a good chance at seeing that positive. They came over to see us after I went and picked the kids up at 11am (half day...last day of the school year!! yayyy!). They could only stay a couple hours though, they had to drive to Moncton (3 to 3.5hrs drive depending on...who's driving). They were flying out the next morning.

That was our week! Things were really just beginning for me though, in all honesty.

Friday we decided that we would go camping early and stay a week. I packed up all of my tests, except a couple...I needed those for first morning urine of course!

Saturday morning I woke up a bit earlier than I normally would, in fact, I had gotten up a few times during the night in anticipation of Saturday morning. I had to pee....soooo bad. Not because I actually had to pee that badly, but because the tests were there...what if I could send them a positive before they even got home?! I tested. I analysed. The line would be very light, but it was there. I could see it. ...it wasn't actually there, I just wanted so badly to see it. It's still early I have a couple more days at LEAST and it was super super early and the embryo was just getting there. We were only 5-6dpo.

But I continued to test. Every three to four hours, because I needed to get that first positive. I was going to come up with an amazing way to surprise them. I ordered custom booties to send to them. It was going to happen, I just had to be a bit more patient. Tomorrow would probably be the day!

Sunday morning, at the camp site, I ran like a mad woman to the van and then to the bathrooms. Barely making it actually. ...No big pink line. Limit water intake and try again in 3 hours, we all know second morning urine can be even more potent than first morning urine. It is going to pop up. ...But it didn't. I'm ashamed to admit how many expensive tests I had gone through at this point. 6-7dpo down...it was going to be tomorrow. It had to be.

Monday morning. I had already gone to the nearest pharmacy at this point to get more tests. I've been using cheapies every three to four hours at this point. I still had lots though. It was 7-8dpo and today was our faint positive day. It just was. It worked and it was going to be there today. My IP's would be so happy and so would I and I would sit around and wait for the morning sickness to come in, how badly I wanted to be so incredibly miserable and sick. But, it would mean the pregnancy was healthy...and we would only be months away from my IP's FINALLY have a baby. But...it didn't show up...it wasn't there. Surely there was a mistake. I call lazy embryo. It will be there. I will test until it is there because I've never had a failed attempt where it was meant to be. It was just meant to be. It was this cycle. It was our first and last attempt. It was going to happen. Tomorrow would be the day that I got my positive with my last baby, and she is still a lazy toddler. That's what it is, a lazy embryo!! Silly me. Hundreds of dollars of tests so far, all because we had a lazy embryo.

8-9dpo was the second last day that I would get a positive test. It SHOULD be today, but it COULD be tomorrow. I told myself this while running to the bathroom, with a ton of tests in my hands, while other campers looked on wondering if I had completely lost my marbles with those five children in tents. Clearly, I had. I asked friends if they could see it, asked them to tweak it for me...it was there but it was just too light to see. It had to be. It was there. It was the day. ...But it wasn't. I wasn't giving up. I tested all day. By evening, I had decided that if it wasn't there the next day...somehow...for some reason...no...this happened, it had to have happened. My IP's put so much time and money into this and it worked. STFU Cat, it worked.

9-10dpo (Wednesday). I took a test, there was a light line there, everyone seen it. It was there! IT HAPPENED!!!!

10-11dpo...never trust blue dye tests. There was nothing. It didn't take. It was all for nothing. People told me there is still hope, stop giving up so early! They are right, I need to keep testing, it will happen. It has to.

11-12dpo. (Friday). Nothing. I cried in the stall for a few minutes and got myself back together. When I go back to the tent, Scott asks me when I got the positive, we could have celebrated. I look at him and say "I didn't, they're all negative...all of them". He hands me a test...no there is a line there,..a distinct, unmistakable line. We jump into the van and go to a pharmacy. YES YES YES YES. It HAPPENED! How could I ever doubt that?!?! Another 36 dollars in tests. How else to surprise my IP's than to send them pictures of a first response test with a bright red positive and a digital positive. I was bouncing in line at the pharmacy. We rushed back to the camp site...but...stopped at tim horton's for me to pee on one of them. ...No line. WTF. It's just because i just peed an hour ago that's all.

...they were all fucking negative. This is a fucking cruel joke.

I google first response evaporation lines. That's what I had...a fucking evap line and my heart had swelled 10x and I got my hopes up. I fucking give up. I'm done with this fucking testing thing.

12-13dpo. I feel defeated. I feel like I failed my IP's. I feel like I failed my bank account....

13-14dpo I wait for my period. I'm a total wreck and have to confront my IP's about this horrible cycle. They ask for receipts for the tests, but I can't stand to admit how much money I wasted on them. How fucking stupid was I. I send a very partial amount and don't mention it any further. I don't want them to know, in all honesty, how obsessed I was, to tell them that they were pregnant. I do a couple cheapies because I'm not willing to give up hope. It can't end this way.

14-15dpo I write this, awaiting a period but knowing full well it'll be late to taunt me. I've been feeling nauseous for days...not because I'm pregnant, but because I can't stomach the thought of all the money my body wasted. How did it not work?

Even my IM reminded me that each cycle carries a CHANCE of pregnancy, no GUARANTEE.

I can't help but feel that I gave them false hopes...I know I did actually. Instead of being cautious as I should be, I blew up their hopes. In me. In my ability to get pregnant the first try.

I also know that when we try again, I will not be testing until 8-9dpo and if it's negative, I will not wonder what time of day is best to retest.

Everyone always watches videos of successful surrogacies, from the positive test onwards. No one mentions the negative tests. Failed attempts. Shattered hopes. I think we WANT to believe that it only takes one try. It doesn't. Not normally. So I wait for my period, and promise my other half that I will never again spend so much on pregnancy tests that will only be negative anyway.