tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895300695551236212018-03-14T09:51:44.630-04:00life from 5 feetponderings and observations from my little lifeKatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.comBlogger610125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-28467345099435672712018-03-14T09:51:00.000-04:002018-03-14T09:51:44.766-04:00it's a matter of trust<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rKc2-bOAKW4/WqkoO1DC4oI/AAAAAAAADLw/ZMt-VVdKYNQMrU9SlA5jCeVampJZ2EfkACLcBGAs/s1600/35a6df6049c88e4c652f073cba54afaa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1348" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rKc2-bOAKW4/WqkoO1DC4oI/AAAAAAAADLw/ZMt-VVdKYNQMrU9SlA5jCeVampJZ2EfkACLcBGAs/s320/35a6df6049c88e4c652f073cba54afaa.jpg" width="269" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found on <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745502004831770/">pinterest</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>lately "trust" has come up a lot. trust and vulnerability. they go hand in hand, but generally we don't like either one. or maybe i should just speak for myself - i don't like either one.<br /><br />and waiting on adoption really challenges my trust. it challenges my desire to be open and honest and vulnerable. because when there are good things going on it's really easy to share that with people, but when it's hard, and uncomfortable, and forcing you to grow and challenging where your trust and your hope really lie -<br />let's just say it's not so easy to share the ugly truth about yourself with other people when you wish it wasn't true.<br /><br />who am i really trusting?<br />usually i'm trusting myself, and what i think is best, and adding in some prayer to try to back up my own direction.<br /><br />these last few weeks have been draining. our kids got sick, and the sickness lingered for a while. i'm also transitioning back into soccer coaching for the spring, and we've started off with a lot of away games, which require more time away, and more ducks to get in a row before i leave.<br /><i><br /></i><i>and</i>&nbsp;peter and i have had some hard conversations about what happens if we get to the end of the summer, and still haven't been matched with an expectant mama.<br /><br />and i hated those conversations. because on my time table we wouldn't be waiting anymore. and i wouldn't need to worry about whether or not we are where we're supposed to be.<br /><br />in situations like these i worry that i missed something. i worry that maybe i misheard this pull on my heart for these last twelve{-ish} years. maybe this isn't the direction we're supposed to go.<br /><br />inevitably i come back to some of the best wisdom i've ever heard: God wants you at the center of his will more than you want to be there.<br />i'm writing it down here because it has taken longer and longer for me to remember. i need the reminder.<br /><br />God wants you at the center of his will {even} more than you want to be there.<br /><br />he doesn't try to trick us.<br />he wants us to seek him.<br />and if we are seeking him we will find him.<br /><br />it's just that sometimes seeking him means walking down an unlit path. sometimes following him leads us through some unknown places. following him leads us through some hard moments {or days, or weeks, or months, or years}.<br /><br />sometimes following him brings us to the end of ourselves because that is the only way we will let go of the things we want, and cling to him and all he has for us.<br /><br />i know that. i've seen and experienced that.<br />but i still hate the process.<br /><br />coming to the end of oneself is never fun, even when it's necessary.<br /><br />i hate waiting. not just now - though i do hate it now - but generally, i hate waiting.<br /><br />the process is hard. i know it's necessary to get us where i need to be, but i hate doubting myself, and what i know to be true. i hate that after all this time i still struggle with trusting God. i still struggle with trusting that he wants the best for me, and he knows what's best for me.<br /><br />i like to know what's coming. i like to know what to expect. i like to feel like i have a handle on life.<br /><br />basically, i like to be in control. {that ugly word keeps coming up again and again. control.} i'm a control freak.<br /><br />do i have the courage to wholeheartedly pray the prayer -<br />Lord, not my will, but yours. even if my life ends up looking nothing like i thought. even if it ends up looking nothing like i planned. i will trust you. root out the seeds of doubt. make me look more like you. may i trust that your hand is guiding me even as i grope through the unlit blackness of the unknown and unexpected.<br /><br />will you pray it with me? and for me? i tend to be stubborn and hard-headed, so i can use all the help i can get.<br /><br /><br />much love to you and yours, my friends.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-26548616709959930402018-02-08T12:52:00.000-05:002018-02-08T12:52:04.484-05:00still in processwe're all in process. every single one of us. it's hard for me to remember that sometimes. i always want to jump to the end. the process isn't always fun, and i often want to skip it. i want to get to the next part - the part that seems better because the hard stuff is finished.<br /><br />but the process is where the growth happens. that's where we go from the person we were to the person we are. we are constantly in process. we are in flux.<br /><br />and we're supposed to be. we're <i>supposed</i> to be.<br /><br />part of the reason the waiting is hard in our adoption process is because waiting is hard. period. because i'm an impatient person. it's a big thing, and big things make changes more obvious. but change happens every day.<br /><br />every day in this process is a day i cannot get back.<br />every day in this process is a day that brings us closer to being a family of five.<br />every day in this process is a day that brings our kids closer to their next birthdays - days full of moments we will not live again.<br /><br />and it is hard.<br />but it's good.<br /><br />it's good because God is in control of the whole story.<br />i don't need to worry about the when or the how because he has the whole thing in his hands.<br /><br />as someone who loves the feeling of being in control that truth is not always reassuring. but do i really think i know more than he does? he can see the whole story. beginning, middle, end. he's <i>writing</i> it.<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"does the clay say to the potter 'what are you making?' " {isaiah 45: 9}</blockquote>you guys, i'm the clay. just a hunk of something not fully formed.<br />i don't know where i'm going. i don't know our child yet, but God knows. he knows the who, the when, the how, the why. he knows it all.<br /><br />all we need to do is trust.<br /><br />i've found it easier to trust lately. not easy, mind you, but easier. i'm slowly releasing control. {and the next day trying to grasp it back.} but slowly, slowly, slowly i grab for it less often.<br /><br />i am thankful for where we are.<br />i am thankful for the discomfort of not knowing.<br />i am thankful that God is capable of so much more than we could imagine.<br />i am thankful that he can take the hardest stories, and write something truly amazing.<br /><br />he is good. always.<br />he wants the best for me. always.<br />he is trustworthy and true.<br /><span style="font-size: xx-small;">ALWAYS</span>.<br /><br />so we continue to inch forward.<br />and i am so incredibly thankful for the lessons i'm learning in the process.<br /><br />thank you for your prayers, friends.<br />please continue to pray for us - our family as it is now, our adoptive child that we don't know yet, his/her family, and that we would hold on to God as we go through the process.<br /><br />i'm confident that it is the prayers of those surrounding us that are buoying us up in the midst of the hard. i'm confident that i am growing through this process, and trusting through this process because you have prayed me there.<br />please don't stop!<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.pinimg.com/564x/f6/ac/20/f6ac20959ed91a6fedeaca0b07cfc66b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="564" data-original-width="564" height="320" src="https://i.pinimg.com/564x/f6/ac/20/f6ac20959ed91a6fedeaca0b07cfc66b.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745502004964172/">pinterest</a> from <a href="http://www.americaadopts.com/101-inspirational-quotes-waiting-adoptive-parents/">america adopts</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div><br /><br />Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-48494242396154650802018-01-18T08:47:00.000-05:002018-01-18T08:47:27.671-05:00snow days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ay4rWxKK1IY/WmCkK7NgwtI/AAAAAAAADKY/iSohvvoYJ3wmSuLE-jbyjXOc3V65GPXLgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3145.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1512" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ay4rWxKK1IY/WmCkK7NgwtI/AAAAAAAADKY/iSohvvoYJ3wmSuLE-jbyjXOc3V65GPXLgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3145.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />yesterday was one of those idyllic days that i'll remember for a long time. we had a snowed in snow day for the first time this winter, and it was just what my soul needed.<br /><br />we kicked off our snow day activities by baking banana bread tuesday night after finding out that school had already been cancelled, and yesterday brought the perfect mix of adventure, and coziness.<br /><br />after breakfast the kids enjoyed the typical snow-day movie-watching while i put to use my new yoga dice from christmas.<br /><br />peter worked from home, so we all got in some bundled up sled-riding and snow-angel-making followed by hot cider next to the fireplace, and a mac &amp; cheese picnic for lunch.<br /><br />the kiddos changed straight back into their jammies after our snow adventure, and stayed in them for the rest of the day.<br /><br />we played games, listened to lots of music, and i even squeezed in a little fireside reading. there was zero pressure to go anywhere, or do anything because our world was covered in a blanket of pure, clean white - including the roads - so most people just stayed home.<br /><br />the day was unhurried, and the lack of expectations upon it made it an entire day of deep breathing, and noticing the joys around me.<br /><br />i've finally leaned into the southern snow day a bit. there are plenty of places where this amount of snow wouldn't even delay school, much less close it. but i think the good thing about it is that here everything does stop. and people go enjoy the snow because they know it will only last for a day or two. it's not as much of a nuisance or a pain because it happens so rarely that people remember to have fun with it.<br /><br />it's much easier to take a break when you don't have to apologize to anyone for doing so, but yesterday was a great reminder to me that breaks are important. having a day to recalibrate every once in a while is much more essential than we like to believe.<br /><br />there are plenty of projects to work on, and dreams to chase, but sometimes it's good to sit back and remember what we already have. to not get so caught up in where we're going that we forget what's here now.<br /><br />sometimes i need a reminder to notice what's right in front of my face. like the world that seems new now that it has a fresh blanket of snow.<br /><br />happy winter-ing<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-41755891298441153592018-01-12T07:12:00.000-05:002018-01-12T07:12:47.688-05:00the weak and the strongi've been thinking a lot lately about strength. and weakness.<br /><br />i don't know about you, but i love when people describe me as strong.<br /><br />strong is a catch-phrase. the strong are held up. pointed to. adored. appreciated. look at them. the strong ones. the ones to emulate. the ones who have it all together.<br /><br />but the thing is - if i'm really honest with myself - i know i'm not strong. i'm weak. i'm irrational. i'm ruled by my emotions more often than i would like.<br />when i come to the table i bring with me a whole heckuva lot of weakness.<br /><br />i don't like that i'm not in control of much. but i'm not.<br />it doesn't matter that i don't like it. i can't control a lot in my life, and grasping for more control than i actually have generally makes things worse, not better. {controlling what i can control is a different story.}<br /><br />we all want to be like God. in control of everything. thinking we know best.<br />i have a lot of pride built up inside of me.<br />like a house of cards. waiting to crash.<br /><br />because my strength is not true strength.<br />my true strength can only be found in the one who controls the wind and the waves.<br /><br />i am only strong when he makes a way.<br /><br />it is humbling to realize how completely incapable and ineffectual i am on my own. even the things that i'm good at, i'm only good at because i was created that way. and i can't take credit for my own self. i didn't create me.<br /><br />a season of waiting will tell you an awful lot about yourself.<br />a season of "no" and "not yet."<br />a season of loss.<br />a season of less than i hoped.<br /><br />it tells me where my hope really is.<br />is my hope in my own strength?<br />or in his?<br /><br />is my hope in what i bring to the table?<br />or in his perfect timing?<br /><br />i don't have it all together. some days i have the air of having it all together because it makes me feel more in control. and i like to feel in control.<br /><br />but there are the days when the sh** hits the fan, and i have to admit to myself that i'm not actually in control, no matter how much i'd like to think i am.<br /><br />we make a really big deal out of being strong.<br /><br />i keep getting this picture in my head of our kids doing pull-ups on peter's pull up bar. each time they yell excitedly, "mommy, look at me!" as their daddy lifts them up so they can do a pull-up.<br /><br />"look how strong i am!"<br /><br />look how strong i am when i let someone far more capable be my strength.<br />look how strong i am when i stop fighting against my heavenly father, but instead start listening and obeying him.<br />look. how. strong.<br /><br /><br />this season has been a tough one. the waiting is tough.<br />this christmas season we also lost peter's aunt who was one of my favorite people, and someone we've tried to emulate in many ways.<br />and the icing on the cake was a day of sickness sweeping over our house on christmas eve.<br /><br />but in the midst of some tough things {and some much smaller annoying ones}, i'm learning how to be grateful and content. i'm slowly learning.<br /><br />i'm learning to say - yes, i am weak, but look how strong God is.<br />and look at all he has done for me.<br /><br />look at <i>all</i>&nbsp;he has done.<br /><br />happy friday, friends!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-9109672357221511302017-12-15T23:24:00.001-05:002017-12-15T23:24:44.890-05:00the waiting.the waiting is harder than i thought.<br />still.<br />even though we've done it for a little while now it's still hard, and it seems to get harder instead of easier the more i get used to it.<br /><br />we've considered a lot of situations, we've presented our profile to a few of them, and we have not been chosen yet. not yet.<br /><br />the not knowing is the hardest part for me. and there are a whole lot of unknowns.<br />this could also be read - the trusting is the hardest part for me.<br /><br />because trusting God with this whole thing is incredibly tough.<br /><br />i know intellectually that God knows what he's doing. and i know that he is trustworthy and true. and i know that my teeny-tiny role in the lives of some of these birth mamas is to write them a letter that gives them a glimpse into who we are, but also try to give them a glimpse of who God is.<br /><br />it is hard to feel stuck. to feel like there's nothing i can do to move the process forward. because sometimes there really is nothing i can do. <i>most of the time</i>&nbsp;there's nothing i can do.<br /><br />i just have to sit in the tension, and i have to trust. trust. trust.<br /><br />we were recently being considered for a situation - seriously considered - but that wasn't our baby. and that's really hard. but it's good too. because it means that baby wasn't our baby.<br />and now we're one day closer to meeting him/her.<br /><br />but i still don't know when.<br /><br />the more situations i hear about the more my heart hurts for these birth mamas. the more i pray for them. they're voluntarily and inextricably linking their lives to someone else's. forever.<br /><br />that's baffling to me in the best way.<br /><br />it is hard for us to wait, but it has got to be so much harder to be on the other side of the equation.<br /><br />it's like i keep forgetting that God's in control of everything, and it will all make sense to me one day. one day.<br /><br />do i believe that God is big enough to control it all?<br />do i believe God is really writing this story?<br /><br />i look at our kids, and i can't not believe that.<br />if the timing that i wanted for having kids had happened we wouldn't have the kids we have.<br /><br />if everything had fallen into place the way i wanted it to, then we wouldn't be where we are. how often do i get so wrapped up in what i want and how i want it that i think God doesn't know what he's doing?<br /><br />some days it is hard to trust in the Lord.<br />and yet, he always proves himself trustworthy.<br /><br />this world is a hard and broken place.<br />but it has also been redeemed.<br /><br />and this Christmas season we're celebrating what will likely be our last Christmas as a family of four. i'm also celebrating in a different way than before. i'm beyond thankful that our savior came to earth, but this year i'm also thankful that joseph chose to trust God, and adopt Jesus as his son on earth.<br /><br />joseph didn't know what he was getting himself into, but he chose to trust and walk with God despite it being really scandalous and difficult.<br /><br />do i trust God that much?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-90177589703337866992017-11-13T16:27:00.002-05:002017-11-13T16:27:38.055-05:00waiting & wondering: adoption updatewell, friends, it has been a while since we've given an adoption update mostly because things were taking a while to get checked off of the list and move us into the time of waiting.<br /><br />but now, now we are waiting. waiting and wondering when, and having no idea what time-frame we're looking at.<br /><br />that said, we have decided to be presented to a birth mama this week. this is the first time we're presenting our profile for consideration and there are so.many.emotions. swirling around right now.<br /><br />we have no idea how many families are presenting in this situation, and no idea what the likelihood of getting chosen is.<br /><br />we have no idea.<br /><br />and that's really it. we have no idea about any of it. we really have to trust in God's timing. period. not just in this, but obviously in this. because we have no control.<br /><br />we've only been in this waiting stage for a couple of weeks, and it is already hard.<br /><br />it's hard to not know.<br />it's hard to live in the tension.<br />it's hard to try to keep living and not worry about it, but also be ready for anything at any time.<br /><br />it reminds me a lot of our years of struggling with infertility.<br />it's not the same. {not at all.} but it is reminiscent.<br /><br />all of that said - would you please, please, please pray for us. pray for this birth mama - not that she would pick us necessarily, but that she would pick the family that will be best for her baby. that she will be comfortable with her decision, and that God would be at work in her life and her heart.<br /><br />she is in a much harder place than we are right now. a much harder place. pray for grace for her.<br /><br />pray that we would be patient in the waiting, and trust God's timing. pray that he would prepare us to be parents again to our child - whenever he/she comes. pray for the upcoming transition for our family from two to three kids, and pray for the birth mama/family as well as our not-yet-here child.<br /><br />i've been drawn to baby things again in these last couple of weeks as we've been in the waiting stage of this process. it's crazy to think about all of the different possibilities. we could get matched fairly early-on in a pregnancy, or right before or after birth.<br /><br />there are so many unknowns.<br /><br />leaping is scary, but we're taking it and we're trying really hard to trust.<br />right now i have that feeling in my stomach like you do when you're at the top of the pit fall, and you don't know how long the ride is going to hold you there before you drop.<br /><br />we're just waiting with bated breath.<br />so, please pray!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div><br /><br />Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-33911246166292506192017-11-02T17:30:00.000-04:002017-11-02T17:30:41.834-04:00five.two days ago our little monkey turned five.<br />five. one whole hand.<br />for as long as we talked about his upcoming birthday {and it was a while} i don't think i was fully prepared for it.<br /><div><br /></div><div>five year olds go to elementary school. five year olds are mostly independent little people. five year olds are at the end of the the toddler/preschooler spectrum. every day he becomes less of a little boy, and more of a little man. and i love it and hate it at the same time.</div><div><br /></div><div>of course at the beginning of the week i was thinking back over the day he entered this world. lately he's been enjoying stories from when he was a baby, so i was telling him about the day he was born. i remember seeing him for the first time. my heart kept thinking - you're here. you're here. you're finally here. it's you. you're here.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aevVBnRqANY/UJKcbxVckwI/AAAAAAAABns/nv7_rXCxr6c122PjfalMXBNbXmhEHOxiwCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/blogger-image-336326952.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="495" data-original-width="640" height="247" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aevVBnRqANY/UJKcbxVckwI/AAAAAAAABns/nv7_rXCxr6c122PjfalMXBNbXmhEHOxiwCPcBGAYYCw/s320/blogger-image-336326952.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">birth day</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wofgVMrmr5U/WfuNnVpEpzI/AAAAAAAADGg/g5Z56MgphxMhIPglRCEAYdwtDTa6RMqAACLcBGAs/s1600/fullsizeoutput_4cec.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wofgVMrmr5U/WfuNnVpEpzI/AAAAAAAADGg/g5Z56MgphxMhIPglRCEAYdwtDTa6RMqAACLcBGAs/s320/fullsizeoutput_4cec.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">fifth birthday</td></tr></tbody></table><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>dear monkey,</div><div><br /></div><div>somehow you're already five. i'm not entirely sure how that happened except to say that time marches on. you are getting so big it's crazy. i still can't quite believe it.</div><div><br /></div><div>i hope you know how much you're loved. i hope you can rest easy inside all of the love lavished upon you by our heavenly father, and by your family and friends.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>i'm thankful for your heart for people. i'm thankful for how much you love being a big brother, and how excited you are to " 'dopt a baby".&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>i'm thankful for your curiosity and your love of learning about new things and how they work. i love your penchant for the strange and interesting things of nature, and nature in general. i love how excited you get about the little things, and how much you love to help. i love how silly you are. i love how persistent you are. i love the hilarious, random, and astute comments you make on a daily basis.<br /><br />i love you to the very core of my being.<br /><br />i'm beyond thankful that God knit you together, and entrusted us to raise you. we are so proud of you, and the person you are, and the person you're becoming. you are braver than you know.<br /><br />you and your sister have taught me how to be a mom, but you've had the first go at it. i know that isn't always the most comfortable place for you to be since i'm an imperfect human, but i'm grateful that we get to walk through this life thing and figure it out together.<br /><br />every night when i come in to check on you before i go to bed i watch your chest move up and down a few times, and i thank God for you. i thank God that he gave us you.<br /><br />the very first time i held you i knew i was in trouble - because from that moment on i knew i would walk through hell or high water for you. i knew that there was nothing that you could do that would make me stop loving you. you are an answer to prayer, and one of the best things that has happened to your daddy and me. we love you so incredibly big.<br /><br />philippians tells us to shine like stars, and bring glory to our God.<br />keep shining, my dear boy.<br /><br />we love you to pieces.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo,</span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">mom</span></div><br /><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-77924884643149130452017-10-16T07:34:00.001-04:002017-10-16T07:34:04.126-04:00mini updatewe are slowly moving toward adopting. our printed profiles should arrive this week, and then we will send them out to agencies. it already feels like it has been a long time since we started this process, but we have no idea how long it will take on the whole.<br /><br />some days it's easy to trust in God's timing because there are so many other things going on at the same time as all of this, and it's not at the forefront of my mind. but other days i wonder and wonder and wonder. some days it's much harder to trust that everything will take how long it's supposed to take so that we can bring our child home.<br /><br />some days it's harder than others to live in the tension of the now and the not yet. we don't know exactly what path we will walk to get there. we don't yet know what child God has for us. there are a lot of big questions, and some days it's harder than others to step out in faith.<br /><br />and i think of our expectant mama - we don't know who she is yet, but i think of her. i wonder what she's thinking and feeling. i wonder if she has even made her decision yet. and i pray for her.<br /><br />there are so many things i don't know about this process. and i hate not being in control. i've always hated not being in control. {which is kind of funny since i've never actually been in control.}<br /><br />i feel like we're already a family of five without actually being a family of five. so much is up in the air. so much is un-plan-able. &nbsp;and God is stretching us. stretching me.<br /><br />i know one day i will look back on this time and be able to see all the ways God prepared me for adoption over the course of this process. i know that one day i will look back and it will be extremely hard to imagine our family as anything but a family of five.<br /><br />it's hard to imagine that now, but i know one day it will be anything but.<br /><br />patience is hard. trusting is hard.<br /><br />there are a lot of things happening in our world right now. so much so that i feel like i'm wading through my days knee-deep in molasses trying to get stuff done. i don't entirely feel like myself because i haven't had the time i'd like to sit down and write and reflect.<br /><br />yesterday i was reminded of the importance of that time. i was reminded that far too often i rush into my days without taking time with God first. i rush through that time without really reflecting, and later in the day i wonder what the heck i'm doing.<br /><br />this past week - despite my general state of hurried-ness - i was reflecting on the oft-quoted dallas willard quote "ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life."<br /><br />it was brought to the front of my mind mid-week when the kids and i were getting in the car about to leave the parking lot of a coffee shop. &nbsp;the woman who was parked next to me {and had gone in as we were coming out} came back outside and despite making myself as small as possible while trying to buckle K's carseat she said she really had to go and asked me to close the door for "30 seconds" so she could leave. after waiting for maybe 10 seconds for me to finish buckling him.<br /><br />ruthlessly eliminate hurry.<br />ruthlessly.<br />ruthlessly eliminate hurry so i don't have to treat other people like my emergencies are their emergencies.<br /><br />in what ways do i act like that with others? in what ways do i act like that toward God?<br /><br />my timing is not God's timing. my plan is not God's plan. but he has called me to certain things. and he has called me away from others.<br /><br />how can i best honor him with my days even while i'm waiting?<br />how do i wait well?<br />even when the waiting is hard.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div><br />Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-90837718327901065952017-09-26T07:20:00.000-04:002017-09-26T07:20:14.544-04:00a little perspective.lately life has stayed crazy. i thought it would slow down when the kids started school, but it turns out four hours goes faster than you think when you have a list the size of your arm.<br /><br />i've been so tired from trying to fit too many things, and not enough sleep into these days.<br /><br />my mind spins constantly with the things i need to do - despite writing things down and planning out my days. i constantly feel like i'm forgetting things.<br /><br />our adoption profile needs to be reviewed, and then we can move forward in that area. everything has taken longer than planned, but that's mostly because i didn't actually know how long they would take when i planned it all out in my head.<br /><br />i feel like i'm running in circles and moving at half-speed.<br /><br />this morning i woke up to a coffee maker that hadn't brewed because one of the pieces wasn't clipped in right. thankfully it was a simple fix, and it's brewing as we speak.<br /><br />i also woke up to a dishwasher that hadn't run because i apparently hadn't closed it the whole way. but i'm thankful to have a dishwasher to begin with, and thankful that it still works despite my incompetence.<br /><br />i've realized {again} that happiness and disappointment are two sides of the same coin. happiness is when your reality supersedes your expectations, and disappointment is when reality falls short of your expectations.<br /><br />lately i've been setting myself up to be disappointed. yes, there are a ton of things on my plate. some got put there, but most are things i added of my own accord. and i expect to get far too many things checked off of my list each day.<br /><br />everything feels either really urgent or really important right now, and i wish i had a pause button.<br />writing is my pause button, and it has largely fallen by the wayside.<br /><br />i have read enough, and listened to enough really smart people to know that this is not the best way to order my days or get things accomplished. i need to set my unchangeable priorities, and actually not let them change.<br /><br />but that takes work.<br /><br />i want to enjoy this season of life.<br />i want to enjoy this fall season - which seems like it will come back around just in time for october.<br />i keep getting lost in the minutiae and to-do lists of each day instead of taking deep breaths and really enjoying each day.<br /><br />i've been told that this life only comes around once. and i should enjoy it as best i can.<br /><br />i wish i had longer to sit here and write this morning. there are plenty of things i wish were a little bit different right now. but at the same time - if i take a minute to look around, really actually look - my mind would explode with the amazingness i have at my disposal.<br /><br />i need to bring some perspective back into my days.<br />i need to bring some gratefulness back into each moment.<br /><br />my feelings are largely swayed by my expectations, but i need to add the "but." i need to add the "that may be true, <i><b>but</b></i> i still have so much for which to be grateful."<br /><br />today, i will be grateful.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-44151026591127259202017-08-26T07:30:00.000-04:002017-08-26T08:09:22.409-04:00three years ago.three years ago yesterday we were signing away our old house so i could come home and finish preparing our new one for our baby girl.<br /><br />i still needed to get all of keane's stuff ready for nana &amp; papa's house. i needed to double check my bag. i even managed to paint my nails a fall color since i knew i wouldn't be doing it again anytime soon.<br /><br />peter wrapped up as much as possible at the office - even coming home a little bit late to make sure he wouldn't need to check in as much while we were at the hospital.<br /><br />keane got chick-fil-a for dinner to celebrate his last night being an only child. oh, and i wrapped adele's presents for keane. the ones that he would get at the hospital when he came to meet her for the first time.<br /><br />and 3 years ago i held my little nugget in my arms for the first time.<br /><br />every year i wonder how in the world life is going so fast. every year it screams by faster and faster. some days i'm not sure where it all went. other days i do a very good job of remembering.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aWL4Pavezgo/WaDuO6lgniI/AAAAAAAADDU/r-acBTgEdgIKmozeSE5SiBggo-5QnTW-gCLcBGAs/s1600/DSC_0077.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1063" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aWL4Pavezgo/WaDuO6lgniI/AAAAAAAADDU/r-acBTgEdgIKmozeSE5SiBggo-5QnTW-gCLcBGAs/s320/DSC_0077.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rNIwnlhvg_U/WaDuOvVo-HI/AAAAAAAADDQ/cgwCp253BNcFfK6tv0gL6IP7HZsJAdASACEwYBhgL/s1600/16.11.12_Williams-53.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="display: inline !important; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rNIwnlhvg_U/WaDuOvVo-HI/AAAAAAAADDQ/cgwCp253BNcFfK6tv0gL6IP7HZsJAdASACEwYBhgL/s200/16.11.12_Williams-53.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5NU7lJQyLJQ/WaDuOojYBKI/AAAAAAAADDM/kgd9yKLOVx8yFF-2hY8w7iBh6F4FPoUbACLcBGAs/s1600/16.11.12_Williams-41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="display: inline !important; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5NU7lJQyLJQ/WaDuOojYBKI/AAAAAAAADDM/kgd9yKLOVx8yFF-2hY8w7iBh6F4FPoUbACLcBGAs/s200/16.11.12_Williams-41.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ox_uELeK0A0/WaDuOOfF5HI/AAAAAAAADDI/_AwjDGJ4Tt8trzv9QyfgK_iojwBiNG5yQCLcBGAs/s1600/0013-DSC_0194.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1390" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ox_uELeK0A0/WaDuOOfF5HI/AAAAAAAADDI/_AwjDGJ4Tt8trzv9QyfgK_iojwBiNG5yQCLcBGAs/s200/0013-DSC_0194.jpg" width="173" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>since that day i have watched her personality grow exponentially. i know her smile and her laugh, and watching them light up her face lights me up from the inside out.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bUm8XEy2_3g/WaDuW6sc07I/AAAAAAAADEs/Ex5ZqHymdSU-dZnxhIJ9F3GindoZ-uRmQCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0734.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bUm8XEy2_3g/WaDuW6sc07I/AAAAAAAADEs/Ex5ZqHymdSU-dZnxhIJ9F3GindoZ-uRmQCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0734.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vzaV4iIYvFY/WaDuUQMkuyI/AAAAAAAADEY/F06g6_6yArgxpOuyy2VdsNv91SN3WtIKwCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0699.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vzaV4iIYvFY/WaDuUQMkuyI/AAAAAAAADEY/F06g6_6yArgxpOuyy2VdsNv91SN3WtIKwCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0699.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WrUR2rCxmhU/WaDuWdNdo4I/AAAAAAAADEo/mq5ctSLQQ6884XMb1enC6A_gaTEO2aCfACEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0726.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WrUR2rCxmhU/WaDuWdNdo4I/AAAAAAAADEo/mq5ctSLQQ6884XMb1enC6A_gaTEO2aCfACEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0726.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>she has taught me how to be a mom to a daughter. a beautiful, spunky, fiesty, rough-and-tumble in-a-dress daughter. she adores her brother, and she has sass for days. i want time to slow down, but i also want her to keep growing because i know God has made a masterpiece in her, and i can't wait to see where she goes.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AWsKjWSnYKI/WaDuXY1CFTI/AAAAAAAADF0/5GXTT9rZhvUeosIAgag8dRB_VwaO1JigwCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0756.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AWsKjWSnYKI/WaDuXY1CFTI/AAAAAAAADF0/5GXTT9rZhvUeosIAgag8dRB_VwaO1JigwCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0756.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3S5YlrdC6K0/WaDuPsOUjZI/AAAAAAAADF0/3lzC0zi_oZ0VNt5fHA2Vvohjfds_7dgoQCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3S5YlrdC6K0/WaDuPsOUjZI/AAAAAAAADF0/3lzC0zi_oZ0VNt5fHA2Vvohjfds_7dgoQCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0020.JPG" width="150" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Qwo5IbSMqM8/WaDuPdWnNwI/AAAAAAAADF0/hEgrpMDKF-M-Qt6s7ehoeRk1hqn7qwt7gCEwYBhgL/s1600/DSC_0243.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1063" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Qwo5IbSMqM8/WaDuPdWnNwI/AAAAAAAADF0/hEgrpMDKF-M-Qt6s7ehoeRk1hqn7qwt7gCEwYBhgL/s320/DSC_0243.JPG" width="211" /></a><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-L9t_glWde0g/WaDuRSIrv3I/AAAAAAAADF0/-n33n_eAay02xE-wWCxcmxMUFSQXjaQvQCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0213.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-L9t_glWde0g/WaDuRSIrv3I/AAAAAAAADF0/-n33n_eAay02xE-wWCxcmxMUFSQXjaQvQCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0213.JPG" width="150" /><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W6oFVZHgwJ0/WaDuPstd7aI/AAAAAAAADF0/HTCIKtF1KM8wY2ce-RJYvBjEv1CkV1BmwCEwYBhgL/s1600/DSC_0312.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1063" data-original-width="1600" height="132" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W6oFVZHgwJ0/WaDuPstd7aI/AAAAAAAADF0/HTCIKtF1KM8wY2ce-RJYvBjEv1CkV1BmwCEwYBhgL/s200/DSC_0312.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>in just over a week she'll go off to preschool in her brand new paw patrol backpack. the one that's almost as big as she is.<br /><br />she constantly surprises everyone she meets with how well she talks and puts together thoughts and sentences. she's observant. she reads people. she asks insightful questions. she is an iteration of my heart walking and running and jumping around.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bRjiz99U35c/WaDuPtucZkI/AAAAAAAADF0/3VA7Jszc0cEOfckgi0ycRHYoTsDAeAXMACEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0098.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bRjiz99U35c/WaDuPtucZkI/AAAAAAAADF0/3VA7Jszc0cEOfckgi0ycRHYoTsDAeAXMACEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0098.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UBl2HUfhuu0/WaDuQqM2-0I/AAAAAAAADF0/Cf9bVMbRLy4CJwFUDdtZKFfofWHBSTpagCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0160.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UBl2HUfhuu0/WaDuQqM2-0I/AAAAAAAADF0/Cf9bVMbRLy4CJwFUDdtZKFfofWHBSTpagCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0160.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XVi4eTfLaIQ/WaDuQ7WQbmI/AAAAAAAADF0/clQS5sImrhk_ts7aFRWVzQ54zxhfFlukwCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0180.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XVi4eTfLaIQ/WaDuQ7WQbmI/AAAAAAAADF0/clQS5sImrhk_ts7aFRWVzQ54zxhfFlukwCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0180.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oKWfPVMJolI/WaDuQ-4ycpI/AAAAAAAADF0/VpU06MkWcWME3aeaSspusSfubVMebNhAgCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0203.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oKWfPVMJolI/WaDuQ-4ycpI/AAAAAAAADF0/VpU06MkWcWME3aeaSspusSfubVMebNhAgCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0203.JPG" width="150" /></a></div><br />she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is as stubborn as her daddy. and i love her more and more with each passing day.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RXmUNhLbgCo/WaDuX95K0DI/AAAAAAAADF0/YD8sAEJzAqc7iXqAjOCzVEf0Kn_tzoq5ACEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_1024.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RXmUNhLbgCo/WaDuX95K0DI/AAAAAAAADF0/YD8sAEJzAqc7iXqAjOCzVEf0Kn_tzoq5ACEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_1024.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vP0WV_Ub-zQ/WaDuYYWmKBI/AAAAAAAADF0/BcbN0XZN4Psm9iTAtOxQV_mOP-g9GcACgCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_1043.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vP0WV_Ub-zQ/WaDuYYWmKBI/AAAAAAAADF0/BcbN0XZN4Psm9iTAtOxQV_mOP-g9GcACgCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_1043.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-chqv16dfOdo/WaDuefchTYI/AAAAAAAADF0/UuQNGRhvuW8gpUR6Bm2BDhIPA1YuBhUQQCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_1658.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-chqv16dfOdo/WaDuefchTYI/AAAAAAAADF0/UuQNGRhvuW8gpUR6Bm2BDhIPA1YuBhUQQCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_1658.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-m7gr36y9Tno/WaDuauBRCkI/AAAAAAAADF0/PF9vCjrflkcgZpt8Vf4mkafqePsYWM3uACEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_1398.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-m7gr36y9Tno/WaDuauBRCkI/AAAAAAAADF0/PF9vCjrflkcgZpt8Vf4mkafqePsYWM3uACEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_1398.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P4Jq6XL8jtY/WaDuefqd8WI/AAAAAAAADF0/f7o9KRX82q4BJGxFqYRMFf2CuqIm83gMgCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_1444.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P4Jq6XL8jtY/WaDuefqd8WI/AAAAAAAADF0/f7o9KRX82q4BJGxFqYRMFf2CuqIm83gMgCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_1444.jpg" width="150" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KB6oTLQvsXk/WaDubFGebUI/AAAAAAAADF0/0S-Kkb9NLuEftrsfUnw1394tt0ac3Qp1gCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_1442.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KB6oTLQvsXk/WaDubFGebUI/AAAAAAAADF0/0S-Kkb9NLuEftrsfUnw1394tt0ac3Qp1gCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_1442.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><br />my sweet nugget, may you always know how loved and wanted you are. may you always know that you are a spectacular creation of your heavenly father. may you always know his voice above all others. and may you always be kind and speak joy into the lives of those around you {as opposed to kicking them like you tend to do to your brother when he makes you mad}.<br /><br /><div class="separator" 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href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J300a_TpRLM/WaDuT2al7BI/AAAAAAAADF0/MaPzSBApynMGbJMk6Fs9q9vBtuvd5K-5gCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0688.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J300a_TpRLM/WaDuT2al7BI/AAAAAAAADF0/MaPzSBApynMGbJMk6Fs9q9vBtuvd5K-5gCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0688.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7VE0x64Mm_8/WaDuU-XEUSI/AAAAAAAADF0/mIqNgIC_Ai42LVEvYp_JZNeCzFYQOYz7gCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0715.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7VE0x64Mm_8/WaDuU-XEUSI/AAAAAAAADF0/mIqNgIC_Ai42LVEvYp_JZNeCzFYQOYz7gCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0715.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: start;">may you remain curious. may you know that you are strong and courageous and the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. may you know that your whole family will always be in your corner. and that you are loved no matter what.</span></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pdDy3GkSQSI/WaDuZ51G3uI/AAAAAAAADF0/xeAS1sAbXFAVXyUqr-6xEjeV3ZMiYaAPgCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_1382.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pdDy3GkSQSI/WaDuZ51G3uI/AAAAAAAADF0/xeAS1sAbXFAVXyUqr-6xEjeV3ZMiYaAPgCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_1382.JPG" width="133" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fXuj7FYyKkg/WaDueedYCjI/AAAAAAAADF0/SLss8Dag6VMYWxd-t7sSiPywz-KSURPPgCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_2112.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fXuj7FYyKkg/WaDueedYCjI/AAAAAAAADF0/SLss8Dag6VMYWxd-t7sSiPywz-KSURPPgCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_2112.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ecDMWd9v3eY/WaDuewnpFFI/AAAAAAAADF0/lT4gVRxmXPAFGr6hV5uyznXU_rU9IDw3gCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_2136.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ecDMWd9v3eY/WaDuewnpFFI/AAAAAAAADF0/lT4gVRxmXPAFGr6hV5uyznXU_rU9IDw3gCEwYBhgL/s320/IMG_2136.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t-haUXBef88/WaDuf08iUmI/AAAAAAAADF0/AWv9vaCYiI4_V5m6c_mIxRs-F-pbi6L_ACEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_2208.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t-haUXBef88/WaDuf08iUmI/AAAAAAAADF0/AWv9vaCYiI4_V5m6c_mIxRs-F-pbi6L_ACEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_2208.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y0zmbM8Xg8I/WaDugfzVY3I/AAAAAAAADF0/MRwZQtn00zMI2sel5jCZfHT1m1mJzv2twCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_2253.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y0zmbM8Xg8I/WaDugfzVY3I/AAAAAAAADF0/MRwZQtn00zMI2sel5jCZfHT1m1mJzv2twCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_2253.JPG" width="150" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />i love you more than you'll ever know.<br />happy birthday.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">love,</span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">your mama</span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-24017964502866901872017-08-17T07:45:00.004-04:002017-08-17T07:45:49.348-04:00if i'm being really honest...the past couple of days have been emotionally rough. last night i just wanted to sit and have a good cry - just because. but peter was out of town, and the kids chose last night to be their - up again and again and again and again night.<br />so, no good cry was had.<br /><br />adoption has me a bit overwhelmed. i started worrying about it. i started worrying about the profile. i started worrying about our child. i started crying while thinking about the expectant parents. and i kept crying as i thought about the women and the couples who want a baby and for some reason just don't have one yet.<br /><br />i started worrying about the logistics, about the details. i'm deciding if i'm still going to coach this year, and i started worrying about that. i started worrying about timing.<br /><br />i started worrying.<br />that was the real problem.<br /><br />most of august has been and will be crazy this year. there are a bunch of overlaps of things starting when others haven't fully finished up.<br /><br />i'm re-evaluating a lot of things in light of both of our kids going to preschool this fall, and our hopes and plans to adopt within the next year.<br /><br />but the problem is mostly that i'm trying to take over. i'm trying to take control. i'm trying to move things along at my speed.<br /><br />and that's usually when things fall apart. that's usually when i keep myself up until 1:00 in the morning with too many thoughts running around inside of my head.<br /><br />that's usually when i have to remind myself to take deep breaths, and lecture my kids for too long when they've done something that drives me crazy.<br /><br />we've been talking so much about adoption because we want our biological kids to be ready for it {as much as one can be ready for a new sibling}. and we <i>should</i> talk about it. but there are also new &amp; exciting things going on in <i>their</i> lives right now.<br /><br />there are things that i don't want to miss. i don't want to be so tired from worrying about what's coming next that i miss these days right in front of me.<br /><br />i talked to a friend of mine last week whose youngest kids are in high school. she has always been great about reminding me that things come in stages. and while i told her how i was getting some time away this summer, she laughed. she laughed because she has to work to find a time for her whole family to be together.<br /><br />there are great things about all of the stages. i don't want to get so lost in one - especially in the next one - if it makes me lose sight of the good stuff right now.<br /><br />if i'm being really honest i'm pretty terrible about controlling things. i'm pretty terrible about doing things on my own.<br /><br />i try to all the time, but i suck at it.<br /><br />i think that's mostly because i was never meant to do it all on my own.<br /><br />i'm called to walk with God. walk. with. him.<br />it's all going to happen in his timing anyway.<br /><br />thank you for praying for us through this process!<br />we are so <i>so</i> grateful.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-14789534903844029562017-08-08T07:10:00.001-04:002017-08-08T07:10:44.196-04:00under the microscope<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/8f/ad/9b/8fad9b82b804881adffcb2c078d34efa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="673" data-original-width="540" height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/8f/ad/9b/8fad9b82b804881adffcb2c078d34efa.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AX7FVWl7BvLR-itQa_f1XDMdn_MjT87DDxRepKAAi5djDZ_tWZcA6Wg/">pinterest</a> / source unknown}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />today is the start of our home study. our first meeting. today.<br />it has me nervous and excited.<br /><br />i'm excited to really jump into the process. i'm excited to move forward. and i'm nervous because someone is coming in and determining how fit we are as parents.<br /><br />don't get me wrong - it's beyond necessary. the well-being of a child should not be taken lightly. there should be hoops to jump through.<br />i'm not upset about it, just nervous.<br /><br />this is when i have to take a breath and remember that i'm not in control. i'm not sovereign over this process. and it's not up to me.<br /><br />i have to trust that God really is in control, and that's hard because there's a big part of me who thinks i can do it better.<br /><br />but there's freedom in it too.<br /><br />God is in control. we need only to walk with him.<br /><br />i don't know who our child is yet. but God does.<br />i pray for this child every day. i pray for him/her. i pray for his/her birth parents. i pray for the hearts of our family to be readied.<br /><br />would you pray for us today? would you pray for us throughout this process?<br />thanks friends!<br />i hope you're having a great start to your week!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-34575116620672230942017-07-21T08:28:00.002-04:002017-07-21T08:28:19.033-04:00as we go.<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">there's something about late nights and early mornings. something that calls to me and pulls me in. the quiet. the depth of thought. it reminds me of that quote about 2 a.m. that i can never quite remember even though i know i love it.&nbsp;</span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/fe/de/70/fede705855d28bf7fc974c1386b2421c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/fe/de/70/fede705855d28bf7fc974c1386b2421c.jpg" width="228" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/ATvprhY11CbbnACweNNiZKsINF9cZfckuUN8q2lnRvJxIy139lF3b4U/">pinterest</a></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">it's the coffee, the glasses, the feel of pen to paper, or sound of striking keys. it's the smell of cozy candles coupled with mellow music and introspection.</span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">it's the time of day when i find quiet. neither of our kiddos nap consistently anymore, and little man doesn't nap at all. so this is it. my uninterrupted quiet time.</span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">as we move forward with adoption, and get closer to adele going to preschool, i'm getting a bit nostalgic. don't get me wrong - i love where we are and i'm excited about what's next. it's just that i'm realizing how many changes are coming down the pike, and that is making me remember. it's making me remember the painful years of waiting for a child. and the short time that keane was an only child. and holding both of them in my lap to introduce the two of them to each other.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">this life is fleeting. it simultaneously moves at the speed of molasses and light.</span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">life is a strange thing. some days i need to remind myself of the strangeness of it. the beauty in it. the moments i will never get again.&nbsp;</span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the tight grip of a hug from my almost three year old. the imagined version of what happened from my four and a half year old. these times when they both want to help make lunch. when keane asks to help me chop vegetables almost every day. when adele constantly makes up words, and makes keane really mad by {taking cues from him and} acting silly toward him. this time when they're both learning how to swim. when they want to go for bike rides. this time of learning that i hope never stops. this time of spinning, dancing, running, swinging, climbing, and playing made-up games.</span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">these days and times that will never come again.</span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">there are so many things i want my kids to know as they grow up, but they cannot learn them all at once. some things cannot be taught simply by speaking them. they take time. they take consistency. and i'm not always the best at demonstrating proper actions {or proper words for that matter}.</span></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;"><br /></div><div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">but that's life. we learn as we go.<br /><br />i'm reflecting on some of this because i'm realizing that our time with just two kids is coming to a close. we don't know how long the adoption process will take, but we're actively moving forward. we're actively moving toward being a family of 5.<br /><br />it feels like it has taken a long time to get here. it seems strange that after this we'll be done. one more baby - if we end up with a baby, and that's it. we'll be out of that "growing our family" stage and on to the next.<br /><br />life marches on.<br /><br />i'm also reflecting on these things because i'm about to leave my babies for the longest time ever. <i>ever</i>. tomorrow they're staying home, and i'll be off to help run a camp in brooklyn for the week. i'm excited about it, but i also hate that i'm missing a week of their lives.<br /><br />i'm not worried about them. they'll be okay. i know that. i'm just going to feel like i'm missing multiple appendages for the week.<br /><br />but. i'm thankful i get to go on this trip. i'm thankful for the opportunity to go and serve. i'm thankful for the opportunity to go back to brooklyn. it really is one of my favorite places.<br /><br />and after that? a week at the beach in charleston. yes, i know. i have <i>such</i> a rough life.<br />and i am beyond grateful.<br /><br />what are you grateful for this friday morning?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-38383782402414803502017-07-14T07:36:00.002-04:002017-07-14T07:36:54.656-04:00big news. today i am sending in our application and information to an adoption consultant. the adoption consultant who will be our adoption consultant. our adoption story already spans a number of years, but today it will take a big step forward. today it will take a big step toward actually happening.<br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/65/44/87/654487ad9c311ee39cb7bc1ac469c662.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="534" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/65/44/87/654487ad9c311ee39cb7bc1ac469c662.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found on <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AbLG3anVHzcgdEya7IeH6uTLAicel6HRJ7NVN57vG-MiXNcGyP23-KY/">pinterest</a> via <a href="http://binti.com/">binti.com</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">peter and i had a big "come-to-Jesus" talk last weekend. because we have talked about adoption for so long. we had "wanted to adopt" and "planned to adopt" for so long. but i was {and am} still scared.&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">parenting is a scary thing. and adoption is not easy. but i know that God is in control. i realized that in a different way last weekend. i was so scared to adopt, and then realize all over again that i feel like i'm screwing up this parenting thing. because that is not just true of adoption. it's just being a parent.&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">and then i thought back - once again - to the wise words i heard from tammy glover as i was about to graduate from college: "God wants you at the center of his will more than you want to be there."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">i work myself up and stress myself out worrying about whether or not i'm in God's will. but he wants me in his will more than i want to be there. if i'm seeking him, i will find him. i will be inside of his will. i know that we are called to adopt. i'm sure there will be times when i doubt this throughout this process, but i know we are called to this.&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">and God is in control. he guides our steps.&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">he knits us together in the womb. and he knows the child he has for us. we've been praying for months that God would prepare us for our child, and prepare our child for our family. we've been praying for the birth parents. and God has been bringing us to today. and today will eventually bring us to the day we will bring home the completion of our family.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">{not to mention our little man has been asking us for another baby ever since his cousin was born in april.}</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">i know this is a short post for some big news, but really, more than anything it is a plea to pray for us as we officially embark on this process. please pray for us. please pray for our biological children. please pray for the child we will bring home. and please please pray for the birth parents.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">we will share updates as they come, and as we can.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">thank you, dear friends!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-6074367452110967082017-07-08T08:36:00.000-04:002017-07-08T08:36:22.221-04:00something new<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yZArmiUxfFQ/WWDRYNC8eBI/AAAAAAAADCU/hJimsOYQohowTu8hi2dzOJdTgf8AHbGVACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0701.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yZArmiUxfFQ/WWDRYNC8eBI/AAAAAAAADCU/hJimsOYQohowTu8hi2dzOJdTgf8AHbGVACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0701.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />lately i've been largely absent from this space because i've started working on another. the goal is to keep up with both, but as with all goals, that is subject to change.<br /><br />after my <a href="http://lifefrom5feet.blogspot.com/2017/01/sequin-pants.html">sequin pants post</a> i had quite a bit of feedback from people who seemed interested in the subject of ethical/slow fashion, and the more i've thought about it the more confident i am that the world of fast fashion is not good for people or the planet. so i decided to do something about it.<br /><br />it may not turn out to be much, but i decided to start a blog dedicated to conversation about slow fashion. i haven't nailed down exactly what it will be outside of that. and i'm learning that i don't have to have it all nailed down on day 1. it'll change even if i think i have it figured out.<br /><br />i decided to just jump into it, so this week has been a lot of work, and kind of a whirlwind. this morning i let myself sleep in a little bit since i've gotten far less of it in the last week or two.<br /><br />despite the lack of sleep though, it has been good thus far. sure i have a voice {or maybe two or five} inside my head that tells me it's silly to try something like this because in all likelihood it won't be much. it won't make that much of a difference. and it probably won't. but there's another voice in my head that's telling me this is exactly where i should be right now. so i've decided to be here.<br /><br />i've decided to be here despite the fear of failure, despite the fact that i haven't thought it through. and that's a tough thing for me to sit with.<br /><br />i remember talking with a friend about 5 or 6 years ago, and talking about what it means to live in the tension. we all do it in one way or another, but we don't always realize that's what we're doing.<br /><br />but we all live in uncomfortable spaces. not always physically, but one way or another. and we have to be comfortable being uncomfortable.<br /><br />that's what this whole experience is reminding me.<br /><br />i have to "embrace the suck" as i told my soccer team this year. there are parts of everything that are going to suck, but it's the only way to move forward. it's the only way to really grow. growth hurts. it's uncomfortable and awkward. and in order to grow i have to learn how to be comfortable being uncomfortable.<br /><br />how's that for some meta-analysis early in the morning?<br /><br />anyway, if you haven't yet, and you want to check it out: <a href="http://rainydaysandrunways.com/">rainy days &amp; runways</a><br />i'd love to hear your thoughts!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-48825399887435448972017-06-13T08:10:00.000-04:002017-06-13T08:10:22.916-04:00a newly converted early bird. sort of.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/c4/53/c9/c453c936edf266477215e88df48fa5a6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="533" height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/c4/53/c9/c453c936edf266477215e88df48fa5a6.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found on <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AQIveCOIRf_8zQ7BmavONNd_VqRda1tnPAHjJPADh7xdeiu9aZJp1nw/">pinterest</a> via <a href="http://fabforgottennobility.tumblr.com/post/146002097472/heaven-ly-mind-rakotz-bridge-during-sunrise">tumblr</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />i woke up grateful this morning. well, after i got my head around the fact that it was my alarm going off and not peter's because peter was already gone, and did not actually hit snooze and subsequently forget to turn it off; then i moved to grateful.<br /><br />five-thirty and i have gotten back on the same page now that i don't need to stay up late to watch the pens bring the stanley cup back to the 'burgh for another year, and my jump rope/gilmore girls session this morning reminded me of how much i really do enjoy the early morning when i just let myself enjoy it.<br /><br />this time of year i always think back to taking middle schoolers to camp in the mountains of nc. most camp mornings i'd be up early to get a run in and shower before all the girls woke up.<br /><br />the quiet of a camp morning almost forces you to take a deep breath. the coolness in the air, the dew on the grass, the glory of creation, the silence. it was beautiful.<br /><br />despite the fact that i'm still more of a night owl than an early bird, i am learning to be grateful for the opportunities i have in front of me.<br /><br />last night peter and i went on a date. when we left the house we didn't really know where we were going. for years i hated not having a plan when we went out somewhere, but lately those have been my favorite kind of dates.<br /><br />we don't do something just because that's the plan we imposed on ourselves at some earlier time, but we find the pace we need for the day we're in at the moment.<br /><br />lately an incomplete quote keeps jumping in my head. i think it was attributed to thomas jefferson when i heard it, but that's probably wrong, and i can't fully remember it anyway...<br /><br />it goes something like this:<br />things don't turn out best for those in the best circumstances, but for those who make the most of the way things turn out.<br /><br />we say things like this all the time. we hear it everywhere - constantly.<br />but we don't believe it. we say we believe it, and we try to believe it, but then we decide that we should try a few other things before we chalk it up to attitude.<br /><br />so i'm trying to live it, and see if i change my mind about believing it. because so much of life is perspective. so much of life is how we approach it.<br /><br />and it's really easy to complain. if we look for them we can find many things to complain about, especially in the world of social media. {but let's not go there while we're talking about making the most of things.}<br /><br />i know i've posted a lot about gratitude lately. and it's because i struggle with it. a lot.<br /><br />i'm a pessimist by trade, and i'm trying to drop the number of times i lose my mind per day by reminding myself how much i have. because i have a lot.<br /><br />historically speaking how much i have is actually mind-blowing.<br /><br />comparison is one of my vices. to a degree it comes with being competitive, but it also brings envy with it. it also is the thief of joy.<br /><br />and thus, i'm trying to do something unnatural to me - i'm trying to be over-the-moon happy for other people. that makes me sound pretty bad, but it's true. too many times it's hard for me to be crazy-happy for others.<br /><br />if you're one of my people i'll be happy for you. if not, i can be marginally happy for you, but too often i envy instead. i covet. and i've had some wicked cases of schadenfreude {as if schadenfreude isn't wicked in and of itself}.<br /><br />so i'm converting.<br /><br />i'm changing to an early bird, and at least to a realist. i may not make it the whole way to optimist, but a realist is a step.<br /><br />and we have to go one step at a time anyway.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div><br /><br />Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-14795009124272355742017-06-07T07:27:00.003-04:002017-06-07T07:27:34.634-04:00the small things.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/5b/b8/32/5bb832dc801b74535978e175bc8aa124.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/5b/b8/32/5bb832dc801b74535978e175bc8aa124.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745502003521363/">pinterest</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />i actually woke up with my alarm and functioned how i planned this morning. for a while that has been hit or miss thanks first to soccer season, and now to the pens being in the stanley cup finals.<br /><br />it's a small thing, but a big thing too - to start my day the way i planned.<br /><br />this morning i'm thinking about the small things. there are a lot of big things we're talking about and thinking about: adoption. coaching next year. renovating part of our house. potential business plans, and what they'd mean for now.<br /><br />but this morning i'm basking in the glow of one of my all-time favorite candles. it's discontinued, and almost burned out. so i'll enjoy it now.<br /><br />this morning i'm enjoying the flow of the keystrokes. the background music. the coffee in a mug i found while perusing an antique shop yesterday. i simply couldn't pass up a vintage reese's mug for $2.50. it reminds me so much of grammy.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--MPPz2FFZwY/WTfeye3jGdI/AAAAAAAADCA/G5qCy2xO1WwKj_4R9edL5chDl1C4zoGDwCLcB/s1600/IMG_0412.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--MPPz2FFZwY/WTfeye3jGdI/AAAAAAAADCA/G5qCy2xO1WwKj_4R9edL5chDl1C4zoGDwCLcB/s200/IMG_0412.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><br /><br />so many times it's the small things that make a huge difference.<br /><br />it's <u>the little book of hygge</u> on my nightstand along with some time to read. it's the summer edition of "the magnolia journal." it's the time spent watching my kids become friends, and play together without beating on each other.<br /><br />it's the few minutes i can steal in a day to go climb the climbing wall peter built for me in the garage. it's snuggling with my kids while reading stories and putting them to bed.<br /><br />it's the mini succulent garden i recently added in our master bathroom. and experimenting with new dinner ideas that actually turn out.<br /><br />it's the small things. the appreciating exactly where i am right now in this moment, and not trying to get anywhere else.<br /><br />because no matter what there are always more things that i want to do. there are always more things to think about. there are always new plans to make. there are always new things to learn, and more places to see.<br /><br />there are always things i could do better, and {hopefully} always things i could do worse.<br /><br />but it matters where my focus is.<br />today i'll focus on the small things, and all the good found in them.<br /><br />hope you have a great day - filled with good things both big and small.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-50773165193905011172017-05-24T01:21:00.000-04:002017-05-24T01:21:30.588-04:00to my team: dare greatly.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IrKKLVr7imQ/WSURN0hcyAI/AAAAAAAADBs/0AFkPzY8UvICg0xeCHBbtwj7WCtyCcVgACLcB/s1600/18519535_10155717421566874_6098421290300806394_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="325" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IrKKLVr7imQ/WSURN0hcyAI/AAAAAAAADBs/0AFkPzY8UvICg0xeCHBbtwj7WCtyCcVgACLcB/s400/18519535_10155717421566874_6098421290300806394_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br />dear girls,<br /><br />every year it gets harder and harder for me to encapsulate my thoughts at the end of the season. i cannot believe that four seasons have already come and gone. i know that is quite possibly the most cliché phrase i could write at this moment, but it doesn't stop being true.<br /><br />and this year is especially hard because i really thought this was the year. this year had state champs written all over it. i'm still in shock that it's really over. and i still don't quite believe that i won't ever see any of you seniors in a cox mill jersey ever again. it already feels like there's something missing.<br /><br />i know we didn't end up where we wanted to this season. i know.<br />it breaks my heart too.<br />i know it sucks in a different way, but it still sucks. and in this moment, it's just going to suck.<br /><br />but we won't stay there. be there for now. grieve it.<br />grieve what we wanted. grieve what could have been. and then be grateful for all that was.<br /><br />no, we didn't get that game we so desperately wanted. we didn't. but don't discount what we had. because being a part of a team is more than wins and losses. it's more than statistics. <br /><br />you are more than that.<br /><br />this team, and you as individuals, you are all more than that.<br />your character and your essence are more, and you showed that tonight.<br /><br />i hope when you look back at this season you will not simply remember the way that it ended, but that you will remember all the moments that made you a team. the stories, the bus trips, the team dinners. i hope you will remember the friendships that were forged on and off the field.<br /><br />i hope that this season made you remember why you started playing soccer in the first place. i hope thinking back on this season makes you remember why you love the game.<br /><br />i hope you take this and learn from it. grow from it. let it teach you what it means to fall down and get back up again.<br /><br />you were brave tonight. you went into a tough game, and you played with all you had.<br />and you need to be brave in this life. you need to be able to face up against mountains that you may fail to overcome, and try to climb them anyway.<br /><br />life is hard sometimes, and you already know that it is not fair. but that doesn't mean that it is not amazing.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/b4/39/57/b43957fe6ca6f921f1e5b1427c10abe1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/b4/39/57/b43957fe6ca6f921f1e5b1427c10abe1.jpg" width="224" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745501997306951/">pinterest</a> from <a href="http://www.meglovesdesign.com/">here</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br />wherever this life takes you - keep showing up. learn from whatever life hands you. learn from it. grow from it. but keep showing up.<br />there will be days when you want to quit.<br />keep going anyway.<br /><br /><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/4e/78/6e/4e786e123a474ecd64b172a6e0f90b32.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/4e/78/6e/4e786e123a474ecd64b172a6e0f90b32.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/195625177536663921/">pinterest</a> from <a href="http://s974.photobucket.com/user/AngelaHurd/media/pinterest/Itisnotthecriticwhocounts_zpsf76c295f.jpg.html?sort=3&amp;o=0">photobucket</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br />you were in the arena tonight ladies. you may have failed to win this game this night, but you dared greatly. stepping on that field means there is always a chance of winning and a chance of losing, but at the end of the day that's not really what the game is about. the game is about taking the chance. the game is about working hard and getting better every time you step on the field. the game is about daring greatly.<br /><br /><br />as for you seniors: bring excellence with you wherever you go. you came into this program, and you made it better. you worked your tails off for four years, and you helped take us to that place where we're knocking on the door of a state championship. you raised the bar. you expected more. you were the example of what more meant. this program is better because you were here.<br /><br />do that everywhere you go. leave it better than you found it. raise the bar. be the example. work hard always. push yourselves to be better. control what you can control, and don't worry about the rest.<br /><br />i am so grateful to have walked with you for a portion of the last four years. i am grateful to have had the opportunity to know each one of you. and please know that i'm here for you always.<br /><br /><br />and for all of you girls: i have loved coaching you. you remind me why i started. you remind me why i love this game. i am grateful to each and every one of you.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">much love,</span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">coach kate</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-10711568159204846032017-04-26T06:59:00.001-04:002017-04-26T06:59:31.547-04:00every single day.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/87/4b/86/874b86f3105737ab43e71ac400064176.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/87/4b/86/874b86f3105737ab43e71ac400064176.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745501999539315/">pinterest</a> from <a href="http://thegiftsoflife.tumblr.com/post/74482235765">the gifts of life</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /><br />do something that scares you every day.<br />every.<br />day.<br /><div><br /></div><div>i want to live more that way. too often i stay stuck in my routine - doing the things i've always done. i tend to do better with structure, so i know i'll never entirely do away with routine, but i cannot allow myself to be too comfortable either.</div><div><br />friday i did something that really scares me, and i came away from it even more scared and even more resolute that we should move forward. i went to an adoption conference for the day.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>we have talked about adoption for a long time. we have always planned on adopting, but now that it's "next" when it comes to kids i'm realizing how scared i am of the unknown of adoption. it's the same kind of scared as having a baby; it's just the process of adoption takes longer, and if i'm being really honest the stakes seem higher.</div><div><br /></div><div>the stakes seem higher because we are taking in a child for the purpose of showing him/her unconditional love and raising him/her up. but i'm not an amazing parent. i fail daily. i mess up and make mistakes all the time. i ask for my kids' forgiveness a lot.</div><div><br /></div><div>and i feel like i should be an amazing parent to adopt. i feel like many of these kids have been through so much and they need amazing parents.</div><div><br /></div><div>it's really that simple. i feel like i should be more than i am in my parenting. i feel like i should be more for the children we have already. i feel like i should be more for the child who will join our family one day. and i'm scared i won't be enough for that child. i'm already scared that i'm not enough for our biological children.<br /><br />i heard a lot of amazing stories on friday. i heard a lot of heartbreaking stories too. i heard about situations that angered me to my very core that any person could treat any other person that way.<br /><br />and yet - there but for the grace of God, go i. by his grace alone i haven't ended up there. by his grace we can open our home up to a child. we can give that child a family.<br /><br />it scares me. but i also know that is what we are to do. this is the road we are to walk.<br /><br />there are so many kids out there who need families. there are so many kids who are traumatized daily - kids who do not have all they need. who am i not to act? who am i not to try?<br /><br />who am i to let my fear of failure creep in and take away what has so clearly been laid on my heart? what has so clearly been laid on our heart as a family?<br /><br />adoption scares me because it's such an unknown. but it scares me more to think about not adopting. because the truth of the matter is that all of my days are unknown. i am not in control. even when i think i am.<br /><br />i don't know what tomorrow will bring. and lest you kid yourself - you don't either. none of us know what tomorrow will bring. we know what we want to happen, and what we're planning on happening, but we don't know.<br /><br />so i will aim to do something every day that scares me {in the best way} because i have been given life and breath for today. for right now. for this moment.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-66720948484355986612017-04-01T10:00:00.001-04:002017-04-01T10:00:58.647-04:00grateful #6<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/bb/ee/ad/bbeead08b52387f63b5f2a6deb9f82fd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/bb/ee/ad/bbeead08b52387f63b5f2a6deb9f82fd.jpg" width="302" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745502001348421/">pinterest</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />it's time for me to jump back on the grateful train because lately i have not doing the best job of being grateful. it's not because i don't have much to be grateful for, but because i simply have not focused on being grateful.<br /><br />but there is so much to be grateful for. there are still the normal, everyday things. the people and things i think of every single time "grateful" jumps to mind.<br /><br />today i am especially grateful for my husband.<br />yesterday was his birthday. the fifteenth birthday we've celebrated together. and i'm grateful that even though he makes me crazy sometimes, and we get into arguments because we don't fully understand each other and we're broken people living in a broken world, he still tells me he loves me before we fall asleep at night. he reminds me that he always will.<br /><br />i am grateful for my children. i am grateful for how they are learning and growing. i am grateful that they each have a pretty great sense of humor. i am grateful for their curiosity even though it gets all of us into trouble sometimes.<br /><br />i am grateful that the God of the universe loves me even though i don't deserve it in the least. i am grateful for the many ways he has provided for me.<br /><br />far too often i take the negative side - instead of remembering that there's always something to be grateful for, i find something to complain about. but when it really comes down to it, i have life and breath. i have a family that i don't deserve, and a husband who actually meant it when he vowed to love me "til death do us part."<br /><br />God didn't have to give me any of that. but he did.<br /><br />i complain way too much. i compare myself and my life to the people whom i perceive as having more. more money, more margin, more _______. we like to tell ourselves it's cathartic to complain, but it often makes us more used to complaining. it turns complaining into a habit. it makes me a complainer.<br /><br />i don't want to be a complainer anymore. so i'm trying to combat that by refocusing, and taking a proper perspective.<br /><br />today i will be grateful.<br />i am thankful for early wake-ups and the coffee that accompanies it.<br />i am thankful for books to read, and ideas that spring from them.<br />i am grateful for growth even when it hurts. and sometimes because it hurts because that means i'm stretching in ways i haven't before.<br /><br />i am thankful to be able to coach another season. i would love to keep coaching for a very long time, but there may come a time when our family cannot commit to me coaching; so i'll enjoy it now.<br /><br />i am grateful for this space we call home.<br />i am grateful for the opportunity to parent my children.<br />i am grateful for the chance to impact the next generation.<br /><br />i have had a lot of "days" lately. as in: "today has been a <i>day</i>." but too often i let my days become <i>days</i> after just a little something here and there. when i think back over the day, it wasn't a bad day. it was a rough ten minutes, or a rough practice, or a rough drive to practice with construction, or some other sort of rough patch of the day.<br /><br />but i let that one rough patch taint the whole day.<br /><br />far too often i let a little thing become a big thing {which may have something to do with why my children struggle with this whole concept. maybe}.<br /><br />it's time to nip it in the bud. a bad moment does not make a bad day. a bad day, or a bad week, or even a bad year does not make a bad life.<br /><br />this isn't to say that there aren't rough patches, or that we should pretend things are amazing when they aren't. call a spade a freakin' spade. but don't live there. don't dwell on it. dwell in a place of gratitude.<br /><br />like many other things worth doing in life: it may not be easy, but it will be worth it.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-89831478956145655342017-03-13T07:06:00.001-04:002017-03-13T07:06:28.968-04:00it's not about what you want.i read an article a couple of weeks ago that brought up a good point. i had thought about it before, but not in the way it was presented. the premise is basically this: it's not about what you want for your life; it's about how much pain you're willing to go through to get there.<br /><br />we tend to think about the end, not the process. we think about what we want, and expect to have it in two weeks or less. and really the question we should ask ourselves is not what we want, but what it will take to get there. we should ask ourselves: how much pain am i willing to put myself through to get where i want to go?<br /><br />because it will take work. it will take pushing through some kind of pain. and most people don't really want it enough to go through the pain of it. most of us don't love the process enough.<br /><br />for me? there are certain processes i really legitimately enjoy that a lot of people don't. for instance: i enjoy working out. i enjoy the process. some days more than others, but i actually need to work out a bunch of times a week so i don't go crazy. i'm one of those weirdos who enjoys pushing myself to the brink.<br /><br />and writing. frankly, i haven't put the time in to be a great writer. i get distracted from blog posts far too easily - it's a challenge to make it through any one no matter how much time i think i've given myself. {granted, some of that has to do with my children waking up, and waking up again, and waking up again... but the point still stands}<br /><br />to get good at something, really good, you have to put in the time and the effort. if i really hate the process to get somewhere i probably won't see it through. i can love the dream of the life i would have if only i could get there, but if i can't survive the pain it takes to get there, then i won't do it. period.<br /><br />in our culture we tend to think that it's just about what we want. it's about dreaming big enough dreams, and chasing them. but we oversimplify the chasing part. we try to make the process of getting there shorter than it is. we read the book of the guy who made it, and suddenly the process didn't take ten years - it took 50 pages. he has gone from relative obscurity to fame in an afternoon.<br /><br />noting all of that i have started asking myself: what would i do anyway? van gogh painted for his entire life. a life in which he sold basically no paintings. a life during which he wondered if his paintings would ever be worth something more than the price of the paint it took to paint them.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td><a href="https://68.media.tumblr.com/e1fcb48bbde18bcc6ac1be095e356f3e/tumblr_mlmdpiZ0Ht1qz8y11o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://68.media.tumblr.com/e1fcb48bbde18bcc6ac1be095e356f3e/tumblr_mlmdpiZ0Ht1qz8y11o1_500.jpg" width="257" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">{found via&nbsp;<a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745502001480228/">pinterest</a>&nbsp;from&nbsp;<a href="https://journalofanobody.tumblr.com/post/58140072830">tumblr</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br />van gogh painted anyway. he was a starving artist who only had his day after he was gone from this world. but he painted anyway.<br /><br />no, i don't think i'm van gogh. but what do i do anyway? what do you do anyway? and frankly, what are we trying to gain by all of this striving?<br /><br />ecclesiastes tells us that we're simply striving after wind. we're striving after happiness, which is basically the same thing.<br /><br />God made us who we are, but it's not about me. and that's the part that i miss every day, over and over again. because who i am in Him is whom i really am. who i am in Him is whom i was created to be. every time i try to make it about me and my striving, and my <i>anything</i> is when it all falls apart.<br /><br />yes, i am an active participant. yes, i was made with strengths and weaknesses. yes, i have certain gifts and talents. but it's not about me.<br /><br />am i willing to walk the path that follows him even if it doesn't get me anything on this earth? i can't take any of it with me anyway.<br /><br />ask the questions: what kind of pain do i withstand anyway? how am i wired? because those questions are really asking: how did God make me? how can i best serve him?<br /><br />it's not about what you want.<br /><br />we think we'll be fulfilled by trying to put ourselves first and foremost. but we're called to love God with all that we are. we're called to love our neighbors as ourselves.<br /><br />none of those things constitute bringing glory to ourselves. none of those things make life about&nbsp;<span style="font-size: x-small;">ME</span>.<br />but i try to usurp life all the time. i try to make it primarily about me when it was never meant to be that way.<br /><br />so, how does God want to use me? what kind of pain has he made me to be able to withstand? what about you? what would you do anyway?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-79583672950329385362017-02-11T12:04:00.002-05:002017-02-11T12:04:31.441-05:00growing up<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/a9/d8/f7/a9d8f794e309bfccbab7979189515d71.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/a9/d8/f7/a9d8f794e309bfccbab7979189515d71.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745501993185678/">pinterest</a> from <a href="http://www.interiorguide.se/">interiorguide</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the last few days i've been all over the place. not physically, but actually. my head has been spinning on its axis.<br /><div><br /></div><div>this morning i pulled up my quotables page on pinterest to find the above quote about growing up being a trap, and i found myself comforted in the smallest way. because i didn't find what i was looking for right away, but instead i found all of these quotes that i've saved because they resonated with my soul. and i needed to remind myself of many of those things. the profound ones, the funny ones, the hard ones.</div><div><br /></div><div>i've had writer's block like you wouldn't believe {unless you're a writer, of course} over the last few weeks, and it has driven me just short of mad. i sit down at the keyboard, and my fingers stop. or one of my littles wakes up earlier than normal, and i can hardly even start.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>when i have the words in my head, i have no time, and when i have the time, i have no words.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>i feel like i have nothing to say that actually matters right now. i've been spinning my wheels lately. i know this is a season of life, but i wonder if what i'm doing actually matters. and i want to start something else that has been weighing on me, but i'm scared to start it because i don't want to fail. i also don't want to half-ass it, or bite off more than i can chew, or add to the noise without saying anything new or helpful.</div><div><br /></div><div>growing up is a trap. you think it's going to be great because you can make all of your own decisions and decide what you want to eat for dinner, and what you want to buy, and when to go to bed. you can decide how late you want to stay out at night and no one tells you what to do anymore. your life is your own - except that it's not.<br /><br />there is this little thing lurking inside of there called responsibility. you are responsible for your own self. for your own decisions. for your own actions. for your own bills. for making all of your own appointments and phone calls. for putting food on the table, and keeping a roof over your head. and sometimes you're responsible for other tiny humans {or not-so-tiny-anymore ones} too. making someone else cover for your irresponsibility is incredibly selfish. {i should know. i've been the selfish one a few too many times.}<br /><br />and now those things that could've been when you were growing up suddenly fit into the category of should be. that's the hard part. we get to this grown-up place and we can become disenchanted with life. it's not always some beautiful, sparkling thing. it has lost its shine, and its promise with it. <br /><br />and now that we've reached this sunshiny place where dreams go to die, allow me to digress.<br /><br />this is not to say that everything is terrible. it just means we have poor expectations. we've been told since forever that we should follow our hearts and our dreams. we should follow our passion. but that doesn't always put food on the table or money in the bank.<br /><br />but life isn't just about work in the traditional sense of the word. not in the sense of vocation. we are multi-faceted people. too often we take what we do and assume that's who we are. we make that assumption about other people, and we believe it about ourselves. but it's not true.<br /><br />and part of growing up is learning that people are not only what we see. growing up means learning how to take on someone else's perspective, and that is a really hard thing to do even without living in a world that tells us we should focus on ourselves first and most.<br /><br />despite the fact that growing up really is a trap we're all bound for it sometime whether we want to or not.<br /><br />so let's not forget that there are good things about it too. some days it's easy to forget how much we longed to be old enough to do __________. how much we wanted to control our own schedules and not have to answer to anyone. too often we miss out on things because we're not willing to throw out a challenge to the system. we're not willing to come up with a different solution.<br /><br />how do we change that? how do we make growing up feel less like a trap? how can we solve problems instead of adding to the mess? how can we shift our mindsets to complain less, and give thanks for what is while working toward something better?<br /><br />i think a big part of it is learning. learning how to think and how to have discussions with people. with real people - not people behind another screen that aren't really people in our minds. we need to live in communities. communities that go back to the root. we need to <i>commune</i>&nbsp;with each other. really, truly, and actually come together with other people we can trust without pretense.<br /><br />we need to have people that we can say - i was a really crappy mom today. people with whom we can share our struggles. the real struggles, and all the struggles, not just the respectable ones.<br /><br />we have gained a whole lot of screens, and lost contact with each other. {and yes, i recognize the hypocrisy since the only way to write this, and the only way for you to read it are to stare at some screens...}<br /><br />on that note - let's all go find some 3 dimensional people to hang out with! let me know if you're around and want to be one of my people today. we can all grow up and solve the world's problems together.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">happy weekending!</span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div></div><span style="background-color: #bd081c; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: &quot;helvetica neue&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px; opacity: 1; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span><span style="background-color: #bd081c; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: &quot;helvetica neue&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px; opacity: 1; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-54368234339090319202017-01-25T07:11:00.001-05:002017-01-25T07:11:39.937-05:00sequin pants.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://68.media.tumblr.com/92d6ccc06a5d39bda497397a568b8940/tumblr_n1tk6aUjjQ1r8qzqio1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://68.media.tumblr.com/92d6ccc06a5d39bda497397a568b8940/tumblr_n1tk6aUjjQ1r8qzqio1_500.jpg" width="152" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745502001171680/">pinterest</a> from <a href="http://richesforrags.tumblr.com/post/100223089417#_a5y_p=2658418">riches for rags</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />i just cleaned out my closet again. the need for a clean-out hit me as i put away all of my clean laundry a week or two ago. i looked at all of my clothes and started thinking - do i really wear that? do i really need that? more than ever before i want to pare down again and again and again until i'm left with the things i really love that i also actually wear.<br /><br />i only miss one pair of pants that i gave away last year when i marie kondo-ed my closet. i don't miss them because i wore them often, but just because i loved them.<br /><br />i've started thinking even more seriously about the amount of stuff we have, and how much time i spend cleaning things up on a daily basis. i've started thinking about our plan to eventually live in a tiny house. about our plan to travel much more when our kids get a little older.<br /><br />i've started thinking: if i only have a tiny closet inside a tiny house, what do i want in it? ie: what can i just go ahead and get rid of now?<br /><br />and i've realized that many of the things i want to keep don't really make sense in a "wear neutrals," "wear things that always go together" type of world. because near the top of my list of keepers? two pairs of sequin pants.<br /><br />yep. two pairs.<br />{much to the dismay of my husband.}<br /><br />i'm a big fan of both of them, and the funny thing is - other people are too. i get more positive comments about those pants than i do about any other piece i wear. the latest example happened on christmas eve. a guy briefly interrupted my conversation with a friend in a coffee shop to tell me that he liked my christmas-y pants.<br />that doesn't ever happen in jeans.<br /><br />many of my other favorites are not-exactly-neutral things. like my bright yellow shoes from the now-defunct shoemint. but they fit so well, and i'm so in love with them that i'll probably throw out traditional black pumps before i'll do away with them. {come to think of it, i never wear my plain black pumps anymore...}<br /><br />sure i have basics, but they aren't my favorite pieces. they aren't like the french blue jumpsuit that i have. the one that i loved so much i had it altered to fit while both kids were stuck in a double stroller for far longer than they wanted to be. {don't worry - i paid them in chicken nuggets afterwards.}<br /><br />i really do enjoy clothes. i love the stories behind them, and how they can change your whole outlook on any given day.<br /><br />but just like anything else - they can take away more than they add if you don't keep them in their proper place.<br /><br />i've been really convicted lately about how much i have. because when i compare how much i have to how much i actually need?<br />the difference is staggering.<br /><br />plus there's that whole question of who makes my clothes, and how much they get paid, and where are the materials sourced from?<br /><br />the questions that have me seeking out alternatives to my old favorites. i'm an extremely loyal person, and i don't like seeking out alternatives. i don't like abandoning my old stand-bys. but at the end of the day if i say i believe something i have to decide if i really believe it, and act according to those beliefs.<br /><br />it's that whole "actions speak louder than words" thing.<br /><br />for instance - i haven't shopped at anthropologie or j. crew in months and months because no matter how much i love their clothes they cannot track their supply chain. they have not made themselves transparent as companies.<br /><br />anthropologie is my favorite store. my absolute <i>favorite</i>. but i cannot bring myself to shop there until they can tell me who makes the clothes that they sell for a huge profit.<br /><br />granted it's easier for me to say that right now when i have a back-log of anthro clothes that's probably a mile long. but still. i cannot bring myself to buy any more. {i cannot even walk in there because i know how much harder it'd be to refrain from buying anything.}<br /><br />in the midst of my researching, and generally not being able to get this whole "you should care about the people behind your clothes" thing out of my head - i've discovered a site called&nbsp;<a href="http://projectjust.com/">project just</a>. they've done a lot of research into this topic, and are a really helpful resource. granted, they need funding so you can only see a few store pages a month unless you pay for more, but it's something i'm considering paying for because i can't shake my conscience on this issue.<br /><br />because people are people. if people work in deplorable conditions to make the clothes i put on my back then i can no longer feel okay wearing them. and since many companies choose ignorance when it comes to their supply chain the likelihood of those types of conditions goes through the roof.<br /><br />far too often money speaks louder than conscience.<br /><br />but i digress. because i don't really need more clothes anyway.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-5192238589852467922017-01-06T07:28:00.002-05:002017-01-06T07:28:49.916-05:00the art of failingi constantly feel like i'm failing. constantly. there's always more to do. more to accomplish. more to be.<br /><br />part of what's taken the hit in all the busyness of late is my writing. there was so much going on over the holidays that i rarely got enough sleep, and thus didn't wake up as early to write. {my lovely bout of strep throat about a week before christmas certainly didn't help either.} now i'm just getting back into the habit of waking up before the kids to get my thoughts down.<br /><br />i feel off because i haven't written as much. i feel less connected to myself. yet the reasons i haven't written are good ones.<br /><br />i constantly choose between good things. i don't have time for all the things. recently peter and i have talked about margin. {there's that word again} what would give us more margin in our lives? my answer: less responsibilities. but in a culture that praises busyness it's difficult to shed responsibilities.<br /><br />do i want my house to be somewhat organized? my kids to be healthy? us to be healthy? my family to eat well? to make a difference in my world?<br />yes.<br />i'll need 30 hours/day, please.<br /><br />there are a lot of things i want to do. a lot. and every single last one of them takes time.<br /><br />some days i wonder what my life would be like now if i had pursued a career. if we had moved somewhere else. if. if. if. it's not that i'm upset with where we are, i just wonder how things would be if i had done things differently. i wonder most on the hard days.<br /><br />but it does no one any good to wonder. i look at the world that "might have been" with rose-colored glasses. no matter what path you choose there are hard days. nothing is perfect. no one is perfect. and perfectionism is a b. believe me, i've lived with it long enough to know.<br /><br />i'm still learning how to fail up. part of the problem is that i hate failing. really, really hate it. i hate the gut twisting feeling that goes with it. the shame of failing. i hate it. i know it takes a few knocks to get things right sometimes, but i'm no good at taking them if i'm not on a soccer field.<br /><br />some days i have to stop myself and think - what's the worst that could likely happen in this situation? because most of the time it's really not that bad.<br /><br />but i don't even like writing about failure. even when it sounds much better - the art of failing. because it is an art to fail up. to fail well, and make it less of a true failure. but i still shy away from it. people don't like thinking about failure, much less make it an art form. so why write about it?<br /><br />this draft has been on my list for a few months now. sitting and mocking me. i failed to finish a post on failure. seriously ridiculous.<br /><br />but how do you fail up? sometimes i'm not entirely sure. but i think the biggest thing is to learn all you can from it, and keep on going despite it.<br /><br />i tend to shy away from failure even after it has happened. i don't want to think about it. i don't want to dwell on it. but there is a difference between dwelling on it and using it - dissecting it and learning from it and putting into practice what you learned.<br /><br />changing. using it to change for the better.<br /><br />change is hard, but it happens whether we acknowledge it and purposefully do it, or simply let it happen.<br /><br />i've failed a lot in my life. i'm sure i'll fail plenty more.<br />it's about time i started making it an art form.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-889530069555123621.post-66818244110351465292017-01-04T07:10:00.003-05:002017-01-04T07:10:16.225-05:00a year of margin<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/42/a3/57/42a357486968869480e9dfe79dcbb12f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/42/a3/57/42a357486968869480e9dfe79dcbb12f.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">{found via <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/277745502001021021/">pinterest</a> from <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinpoulton/4256479913/">flickr</a>}</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />happy new year, friends.<br />i hope it is for you.<br /><br />this year was the first year in recent memory that i did not greet the new year at its moment of inception. i went to bed. i figured it would come whether i was there to greet it or not.<br /><br />i'm not quite sure how three full days have passed since then, but somehow they have, and i'm moving right along with them.<br /><br />as we traveled back from pittsburgh on monday we discussed some big things for this year. not exactly resolutions, but reflections on what we've been doing, and what we plan to do as things shift in various areas of our life. {how's that for vague?}<br /><br />the biggest idea overall is that of margin. having margin. having a buffer. banishing busyness - especially busyness for the sake of busyness. because all that does is stress me out, and what's the point?<br /><br />we're trying to pare down without losing much. sounds paradoxical, but in many ways we're gaining. we're gaining time if we do it right. we spend so much time taking care of the things we don't really need. far too often i waste my life with maintenance. maintaining things that don't really matter, that don't add much to anyone's life. yes, some maintenance is necessary and will always be there, but if i have to spend more time maintaining it than enjoying it is it really worth it?<br /><br />i'd much rather spend time doing the things that matter. {wouldn't we all?} i want to read and think and write instead of watch. i want to have conversations instead of simply exchanging information. i want to make time for family and friends first, and then schedule the other things. i want to live purposefully. i want to recognize where i'm in control, and where it is out of my hands so i stop trying to change the things beyond my level of influence.<br /><br />i don't want to live my life in fear of failing. i want to fail up when i do fail {because i will}. there are a lot of abstract things i want to do. and it's really easy to just say i want them - to wax eloquent {or try} - and then keep on doing the things that i've been doing. to keep doing the things that lead me away from where i want to be.<br /><br />change is hard. habits are hard to break, but they're also hard to make.<br /><br />slowing down is a habit. it's an extremely tough habit in a world that tells us we have to chase after things to gain happiness. we forget that happiness is a by-product of how we live our lives.<br /><br />i'm still figuring out what all of this looks like going forward. i think we all are. we like to think we can wrap things up, but life keeps on going until it doesn't. it's all a process, and it's always in process. we never arrive. i have to keep on keeping on because c'est la vie.<br /><br />so instead of wrapping this up nice and tight i'm just going to let it be for once.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">much love to you.</span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">xoxo</span></div>Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14083547016514008063noreply@blogger.com0