Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Thinks I've Learned

When you're literally alone in the world, and I mean alone, you learn more about people than you care to learn. I've learned Christian people are far more judgemental and cruel than those who haven't claimed just having a label of Christian. Church people can be the worse. Their word is not their bond. Promises are just words. Church has become a place of entertainment and social hook ups. The experiences I've had over the years at local churches would curl your hair!

If you don't know how it feels to be alone, have no family left in the world, are sick and alone 90% of the time, don't tell that person it is their fault. It is so easy for someone to judge another instead of ask why. Shouldn't a person see someone who is alone and sick and want to reach out to them? Shouldn't they want to listen and not tell them how wrong their life is and that's why they're sick? These same people have family coming and going from their place all of the time. They have a constant stream of love. How can someone who is blessed with this kind of security understand what it feels like to be alone and void in the world, to exist and have no one to hug them? How can they understand what it feels like to have no one tell them how much they love them, have a phone call during the day, get a knock on the door? If you haven't been there, how can you understand?

I learned this. If you can't understand, you can listen. You can hug. You can love. You can be there. Don't wait till Christmas as a jesture.

Today I realized I haven't seen another soul since last week. I don't know what I'd do without my cats. It is already high 90's here, way too hot for me to get outside. Stuck inside makes it worse.

When I check back on my site and see "idiot" responses from people who just don't have a clue, it doesn't anger me as much as it hurts. When did people become so hateful and cruel? If you don't want to read my site, move on. If it helps, I'm glad. You are reading about the life of a once active, educated, woman who burned the candle at both ends until the horrible stress of death wiped out her family and then causing a horrible disease of lupus to surface. It changed my life to an existence. When you walk down my path, leave judgement. Otherwise, just read. Life is too short to read hateful messages.

Life is too short. I realize it would take divine intervention to be able to move back to Wilmore because of the sheer cost of moving and not having the funds to do so. But if I could live the remaining years of my life and not exist, it would be in Wilmore.