12/14/2015

Let's Celebrate Sandy Hook Shooting Day, Kids

Hey, everyone, today is the third anniversary of the horrific massacre of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. The shooter, Adam Lanza, had a nightmarish amount of ammo for his Bushmaster rifle, and he had murdered his mother before going to the school and becoming the star in Hell's hit game show for demons, Who Gets to Rape Adam Lanza's Eyeholes Today? One of the things we do know about the relationship between Nancy Lanza and her son is that they shared an enthusiasm for firearms, and they went a-shootin' together, one of those cherished parent/child activities that we all remember fondly, although most of us recall them with more ice cream and fewer murder machines.

What can we do to celebrate this? What would be appropriate? Well, shit, for that we can turn to the National Rifle Association, which, as you might imagine, isn't directly addressing the mass killing. Although, hell, it could totally throw a party to how this nation has not done jackshit for the mentally-ill or on guns since Sandy Hook. You could have a cake with a chart of how gun sales have exploded in the wake of every massacre and how, mostly, gun laws have gotten weaker around the nation.

But the NRA is nothing if not subtle and on their website NRA Family, the organization posted a special article today just for gun-lovin' mamas like Nancy Lanza. "Gifts for the Outdoor, Gun-Loving, Adventuring Mom" is the title of the piece, and, boy, oh, boy, is it filled with special ideas, perfect to give your beloved mother as a way of saying, "You're Nancy to my Adam, Mom."

Like, for instance, you can get her this holster that nestles right under her titties, hooked onto her bra:

That way, you can share fond memories of suckling at her nipples and laugh about how a little gun powder in the breast milk would make you grow up strong.

Or maybe you can get her the Savage Arms Model 11/111 Lady Hunter, which is not used for hunting ladies, although, in the spirit of the day, it could be:

According to the writer, "Savage Arms consulted with female hunters and manufactured accordingly; this rifle is light for easy carry during long treks, has a raised comb on the buttstock to accommodate women’s longer necks, has a reduced length of pull, has a thick rubber buttpad to lessen perceived recoil…the list goes on." And won't she be proud when you borrow it to go stand your ground against the neighborhood kids?

Of course, "if you’re looking to get mom or that special woman in your life a firearm this one might be what you’re looking for." It's the European American Armory Witness Pavona, which sounds like it's available to kill any witnesses to mom's little baby's crimes:

You want your mom to defend herself from unwanted advances of men who she's just sleeping with so they can replace you in her heart and you know what to do about that, don't you? Don't you?

Boy, thanks, NRA Family for this list of keen items to celebrate Sandy Hook Shooting Day. Your consideration is overwhelming. The graceful thing would have been for you to shut the fuck up for 24 hours, but that would mean the people running the NRA have human feelings. But other than rage and fear, you've got nothing.

(Fun fact: Of course, the list above is meant for Christmas, etc. But guess what the article opens with? "Here’s our list of gift ideas for your mom this holiday season." That's right. It says, "Holiday," not "Christmas." Have godless liberals invaded the NRA?)

(Fun additional thing: Something else the NRA posted today is a completely batshit rant from nutzoid conservative assmunch Dana Loesch, who screeches about "godless liberals" and how we want to skullfuck the Christian out of the nation or something like that. Did you know that Dana Loesch looks like an Afghan - the dog, not the nationality? It's true:

That's not a comment on looks. They're both fine, whatever. But it is a comment on how one of them is an animal that gladly eats its own vomit and the other is a pet dog.)