John O'Farrell: It was the sneakiest piece of subterfuge undertaken by a British newspaper for some time. This week the Daily Mirror managed to smuggle a load of gossip, tittle-tattle and Hello! type photoshoots into the paper without anyone noticing.

John O'Farrell: In the Tory town where I was a Labour candidate at the last election, they didn't put Guy Fawkes on their bonfire. They burned an effigy of Tony Blair instead. I marked them on the canvass cards as 'Probable Against'.

John O'Farrell: From within his enormous bionic forearm springs a robotic rocket-launcher which blows the abstaining liberals out of the plate glass window and into the burning oil refinery below. "This politics business is easy," says Arnie.