Snarchitect Draws Political Battle Lines Across NoVa

As the last few decades have taught us, Northern Virginia’s influence in the politisphere — fueled largely by a constant influx of upwardly mobile workers, swelling affluence and issues-minded electorate — remains on the rise.

Which is probably exactly why the bomb throwers who contribute to Judgmental Map felt compelled to cut the high and mighty area down to size.

The ‘hood slamming site was created by self-styled comedian Trent Gillaspie last January. The amateur cartographer fired the opening salvo by carving up his then-hometown, Denver (Gillaspie has since relocated to Austin, Texas). Over the past year, would-be satirists have taken turns dissecting metropolitan areas across the country, targeting Manhattan, Chicago, Phoenix, Minneapolis, San Antonio, Nashville, Tenn., Chattanooga, Tenn., Memphis, Tenn., and Richmond, Va.

The dressing down of Northern Virginia appears to be the broadest-based attack to date, targeting multiple cities and, most importantly, several congressional districts.

Based on the intel presented by mapmaker Robert Thompson, anyone thinking of mounting a bid to replace retiring Rep. Frank R. Wolf, R-Va., should prepare to spend their days taking orders from rich white people living on multi-acre lots (Great Falls), tech nerds fresh out of college (Ashburn), flight attendants who can’t afford Herndon (Brambleton) and single bisexual black dudes (Manassas).

Per Thompson, Rep. Rob Wittman, R-Va., presides over a slightly less colorful, but no less challenging region, dominated by white flight (Linton Hall), an airport for no reason (Bristow), blacks and Hispanics with mortgages (Montclair), Marines (Quantico) and survivalist rednecks (west of Quantico).

Meanwhile, whoever wants to succeed retiring Rep. James P. Moran, D-Va., better excel at wearing many different hats. Thompson estimates that the next person to serve the 8th District will have to keep tabs on old rich farts (Arlington), hipsters (Alexandria), divorced contractors (Falls Church), botoxed white people (Bailey’s Crossroads), gang killings (Springfield), single moms (Hybla Valley), military renters (Mount Vernon) and some park nobody goes to (Mason Neck National Wildlife Refuge).