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One Child: The New Traditional Family?

Is having one child better than having two or four? It's a question that couples ponder as they begin to grow a family. Many have strong opinions based on experiences within their own family; others make child-bearing choices based on age-old stereotypes.

I have a singleton, one sibling, and raised four stepchildren in a first marriage so I'm objective when it comes to family size issues. However, when I had my singleton, family, friends, and random outsiders asked, "When are you having another?" The implication, whether stated or not, was that there is something wrong with only children or with parents who stop after having one child. I decided to find out what, and have spent more than 20 years studying only children and their parents.

This blog will explore everything only child-the decision to have, raise, and be an only child and what it means for parents, and only children as children and as adults. I thought a good place to begin was with a look at how many children people say they want and how many they actually have.

Only three percent of those polled by Gallup last year feel one child is ideal. Yet, according to the U.S. Census, the single child family is the fastest growing family unit. Why have singletons grown in popularity even when, on the surface, the prevailing preference is for more children?

Gallup has been asking people what they believe to be the best family size since 1936. From the mid-30s through 1967 between 61 and 77 percent of people preferred a family with three or more children. By 1973 the ideal family size dropped to two or fewer children. Today and since 1974 when the Gallup poll asked, "What is the ideal number of children for a family to have?" more than half of Americans, say a two-child family is best.

The explanation: Many people still believe that children without siblings are at a disadvantage. Yet the numbers (and facts) tell a different story. Just as during the Depression when the percentage of only children rose to 30, major metropolitan cities like New York are experiencing a similar upsurge. In the last 20 years the number of singletons has more than doubled to between 23 and 25 percent depending on where you live, one-child families often outnumbering families with two children.

The nuclear family with two children, a mom and dad is evaporating and having a singleton is increasingly common. Is one child the new traditional family? It's beginning to look that way in spite of the fact that so many cling to the belief that it's unfair to have one child. The advantages for a single child outweigh the few disadvantages. But, those feeling insecure about their decision wonder about the benefits and worry about all the negative traits with which singletons have been labeled for more than 100 years.

I've got a girl and a boy, and I secretly want at least one more child, but I'm a single parent. It's quite true that having only one child bestows the benefit of increased financial stability and a more promising future for your little one. But I have to say that having at least two children benefits in that the child has companionship,learns how to cooperate with others at a very early age, and develops important interpersonal skills that come of learning how to communicate with others within the safety and acceptance of the home environment. I don't advocate for increasing family size without accompanying financial stability. And I try not to make my singleton friends feel disadvantaged for having only one child. But I wouldn't change my set-up for the world. I have a girl and a boy, and watching these two grow up is fulfilling and rewarding. (Of course, being a parent is a thrill, whether you have one child or ten!)

I look forward to reading more blogs from you in the future, ma'am. Keep up the good writing.

You state statistics of the rise in singletons over the years, which I wouldn't doubt the truth of.

But you say "The advantages for a single child outweigh the few disadvantages."

What are the advantages and who says so? Is it about population control? Space?

Because the main focus through the ages has been to bare many children for either hands to work or trying for boys, it's been an important part of many cultures. Women with hips were considered gold because they could bare more children. But as times have obviously changed, doesn't the role of a sibling change as well?

Having only one child seems to be about what the parents want. Having multiples seems to be about 'the kids'. The reaction you receive the most is, "who will they play with?" "they need to learn social skills from each other" "brothers or sisters are there to lean on and grow with all the way up to and through adolescence".

Are you saying (even the social skill aspect - if anything) are not important enough to outweigh disadvantages?

I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with your article. I simply feel it is one sided and I'm wondering about the other side.

"Having only one child seems to be about what the parents want. Having multiples seems to be about 'the kids'"

This makes no sense. In fact, it seems the opposite is true. Parents with multiple kids depend on the KIDS to play with and mind each other. But if you have one child, the PARENT has to socialize, discipline, pay attention to, play with, and teach the child.

And social skills don't need to come within the household from other siblings. They can come from taking the child to the park, play dates, classes, pre-school. But again, that's forcing a much more active role on the PARENT.

I just wanted to comment on the social skill aspect of only children. People/children are born with inborn traits such as outgoing or shy. Having a sibling does not change that for the most part. I have one daughter and let me tell you she is a very social outgoing child...it seems to be almost natural for her. I think some people have great social skills while for others it is not the strongest aspect of there personality. Sometimes an overly shy child will cling/hide behind the sibling which is not so healthy either. You probably feel this article is one-sided because so few are written about the positive side of having one child. However many have been written against it............

I agree with you anonymous, I have only one daughter and she is painfully shy and extremely outgoing with us (her parents). People tell me that she is shy because she is an only child and that is not true, she is who she is and she was born that way. Unfortunately, people don't understand shy people, I didn't until I had her. I am one of 11 children and believe me, that is not the greatest either. How come they don't write about the negative of having a big family? I agree with you, so little is written about having one child....

I clearly remember sitting in the back of my parent's station wagon next to my sister on long road trips. There was a definite feeling of "us and them" and I thrived on that feeling. I needed to know that there was someone closer to my perspective of the world that was in the exact same family. In the end, it actually helped me develop autonomy. I could clearly see differences in my sister and I despite our close age and shared enviornment. I don't think a sense of both belonging and individuality can be fostered as easily without siblings. I also feel that the nuclear family serves as a sort of mini-society before kids enter larger social arenas. A family with multiple kids just seems to offer a better opportunity to prepare for the real world.

The advantage of being the sole recipient of a family's resources is a considerable one. However, I have seen a few pretty negative effects as well. The whole weight of their parents' hopes, expectations and attention falls on one child if they are a singleton. Children with siblings get a break as their parents'focus is not on them alone. And later, much later, down the road, when parents become ill or disabled, again singletons are left to carry the whole load without the help of any siblings. They also miss out on the shared memories of childhood when they are only children. Friends are wonderful, but nobody understands your parents and has a better feel for the "culture" of your family than a sibling. It must be lonely to have no one to share that with.

Wnedy, I hope none of your siblings ever die. I've seen too many peers mentally breakdown because they could not adjust to the void left over. If there's any advantage "onlies" have, its that we are prepared to take care of ourselves without expecting anyone else to help or support us.

As a parent of an only child (I greatly dislike the term 'singleton'), I wanted to have my say on this topic...

My husband and I had hoped to have a family of two kids but it didn't work out that way. After three failed pregnancies, I had my daughter 4 1/2 years ago. We did try for a second child, but I was unable to get pregnant. I even considered a second round of IVF but at my age (early 40s) the odds were stacked against me. (I had attempted IVF one time prior to conceiving my daughter).

Further, some financial adjustments (spouse losing job and now working freelance while finishing his bachelor's degree) had to be made, which pretty much made it clear that a second child was not meant to be.

It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I've come to accept it more from a logical than an emotional standpoint. My daughter is a fairly well adjusted child. She is bright, creative and confident -- qualities which children can learn in a stable family environment, regardless of the number of siblings one has. She also goes to daycare and has lots of friends there, and is very close to her cousins (she has several, most close in age to her). My daughter is definitely not lacking for company. Yes, she has asked for a sibling, but I've gently deflected that. Yes, there are those moments when I, too, wish there was a second child for her to play with/argue with/and have that 'special bond" (that us vs. them) that I knew. I also do my best not to overindulge my daughter or make her the center of the universe -- common stereotypes about only children.

My only pet peeve is with people who ask either "Is she your only child" (which assumes that one should have more than one child) or "When are you going to have another?" Oddly enough, it's usually men who ask the latter question.

Are onlies lonely? -- I have several friends who were only children (back during a time when it was the exception rather than the rule). They seem to be the types who make friends easily and have lots of confidence, a quality that doesn't come naturally to me (and I'm the oldest of 3 siblings). Further, they also seem to be much closer to their parents than do children from households with siblings.

However, I have noticed that, interestingly enough, most onlies tend to be parents of more than one child. (Although I do know of some onlies who have never married nor have had children.)

As for later life: one can never guarantee that their children will be friends for life, if ever. My mother and her sister were never close (there was a major rift which resulted in their not talking for 20 years) and although they reconciled, they were never the best of pals. My dad is close to his oldest sister (who is my mom's best friend), but has no contact with his youngest sister due to some family issues. My husband and his brothers all get along and live relatively near each other. My sister and I, however, are not that close -- we live about 45 min. away, which isn't bad, but our lifestyles are so different it's hard to have any sort of real bond beyond our commonalities (parents).

And one can't always count on all their children to help out when they get older. I have an acquaintance who is one of five children -- while his father was dying, he was the one who stepped up to the plate, even with his own health issues. None of his other siblings seemed to care or wanted to be involved.

I would be curious to know how many people have only child families by choice vs. circumstance. Further, what about other countries outside the U.S. -- it seems as though European families are becoming smaller, whereas in the U.S., contrary to what this article points out, bigger families (3+ kids) are coming into vogue again, at least where I live, anyway.

Thanks for writing about this topic; there are many nuances involved, and is an emotionally charged one, but one that is important nonetheless.

This refers to Barbara's comment on a single child.I am the father of a single boy,four and a half years old in India.In India,more so than in the west, bringing up a kid and paying for his education is an expensive proposition and many couples in the bigger cities are opting for single child families. Today I met the class teacher of my son, who pointed out certain characteristics of my son which I felt are peculiar to single kids:-
1) Even though he knows the answers to several questions that she asks, he is reluctant to reply and basically expects her to treat her differently.Is it the "Center of the Universe" syndrome playing out?
2) When asked certain questions, he becomes very uncommunicative and expects the questions to be asked several times, before he would answer. He expects special treatment from her. His number skills are top rate, though he falters in his communication skills. However, at home we have observed that he has superior verbal skills though his number skills are only average. Why this dichotomy in his performance at school?

1) he is reluctant to reply and basically expects her to treat her differently. Is it the "Center of the Universe" syndrome playing out?

At the age of 4-1/2, I doubt he feels he is the center of the universe; at this age many children have little understanding that there are other people in the world; they are focused on themselves and their energies are into growing and developing. My guess is that he, even knowing the answers, may be unsure or shy about speaking up. This reluctance, regardless of sibling status, affects many children.

2) He expects special treatment from her.

Unless your son has said this, perhaps you or the teacher are making an assumption without asking him. It seems unlikely that a child his age expects something from his teacher when he is so new to the school experience.

Dichotomy in behavior…

Parents are often surprised to learn about their child’s behavior or performance at school or in someone else’s home because it differs, sometimes dramatically, from what they see at home. You can encourage your son to speak up in school, but he has to get there on his own, when he feels comfortable. That will happen.

I don’t believe, nor do other researchers, that the events/characteristics you mentioned are “peculiar to single kids.”

We have an only child and it was by choice (despite my occasional hormone-driven musings about a second child). I was an only child myself and I never had a desire for a brother or sister. My husband has a sibling. They are close, but not overly so. In fact, my husband is the most adamant about having just one. He probably would have been fine with 0.

We both feel that, while having more kids is great for some families, the benefits of having an only child are great. My husband feels that there is never a guarantee that siblings will be friends or play with each other. Growing up, he and his sister never played together (and they are that magical 18 months apart!). My child does have social skills challenges, but that's due to Asperger Syndrome. He had plenty of socialization opportunities as a child.

Among my friends, I do see a rise in the numbers of only children and not just because they wanted more but could not have them. There are a number of people having only children by choice.

Jane: that is correct--more and more singles and couples are deciding one child is right for them not only in the US, but throughout most developed countries--an exception being Sweden, a country that has excellent family leave policies.

In her comment, Carolyn and others raised many issues that will be examined as the blog gets underway. One of Carolyn's questions was: Is the trend toward one-child families about population control? Space?

Space and population control are very real problems in China, for example. Beginning in 1979, China instituted a one-child per family policy which the government relaxed some 20+ years later. The strict mandate included steep fines for bearing a second child, forced abortions, and sterilization. On the other hand, in recent years Japan, a country with one of the lowest birth rates in the world, attempted to employ government and business influence to increase births. Japanese businesses provided dollar bonuses and government offered monthly subsidies to those who had second and more children.

In the US having children, whatever the number, is about choice and circumstances. There are some who would argue that family size should be about preserving our natural resources. Without the need for extra hands to work the farm, the trend toward smaller families is an individual decision having little to do with population control. In general, Americans can have or adopt as many or as few children as they would like and feel they can care for.

Susan, thank you for further commenting on this. While we all know about China's draconian policies, I'm not sure really how many people are opting elsewhere to have smaller families due to concerns about population control.

In the US, I have know of some people who opt to have NO children, commenting that the world has 'too many people and why add to the problem'. Have yet to meet anyone who feels having one child only is a step in this direction. As for large families: supposedly there are those who use their large families as a show of wealth (sounds crass, but guess I shouldn't be surprised -- this very notion was the subject of a news article), but it seems to be (to me, anyway) more of a religious or cultural invective (Orthodox/Hasidic Jewish families tend toward this, as do some Catholic/Christian families, or Mormons).

Again, it'd be interesting to see a worldwide perspective on family size and how it's changed over the last century with the advent of birth control, reduction of major diseases in many areas, labor practices, and environmental/ecological issues.

I am a 33 year old female and an only child. I don't think my parents intended it to be that way, but they had trouble getting pregnant and after 7 years of marriage, I was finally born. Always dubbed "the miracle child".

Yes, my parents were very focused on me and my socialization skills were a bit lacking in my early years (very shy) - but I did play with my cousins and other kids and when all is said and done, I think I turned out more than OK, winning various academic and leadership awards throughout elementary school and college, etc. I do remember people thinking it was strange I was an only child at that time -- I didn't really know anyone else who was.

I liked being an only child and did not want siblings. I excelled academically and it was easier for my parents to financially provide for the three of us.

The only thing I struggle with today, as I've gotten older -- my mother passed away almost 7 years ago and I feel I have a responsibility to my father to keep him comfortable and moving along in life --it's rough when your parents just have only YOU to rely on. That is when I envy siblings that can pass their parents around...

Jody, I think sibling who pass their parents around is so selfish. while it is practical to divide the cost of keeping a parent, it becomes a responsibility of the child of many siblings to be responsible for the parents as if they are the only one. This is honoring your parent.

Jody, don't envy "siblings that can pass their parents around," because you never know if that is going to be the case if you were not a single child. I am one of 11 children and one of the youngest, and I am usually the one (if not the only one) taking charge of my parents. My parents have gotten sick a few times in the past and I'm the one doing everything for them, yes, sometimes I wish my 10 siblings would give me a hand to relieve me but you know what, when my parents are not around, I would take that with me, that I was the one helping them and doing everything I could when the others sat back and relaxed. I have one daughter and I'm thinking of not having another, and sometimes I tell my husband that perhaps we should have another child so she'll have help when we get old. The truth is, who is to say that the two of them will take care of us, who is to say that she'll take care of us if she stays an only child....there is no guarantee, one cannot have an only child or many children with the expectation that they'll take care of you when you grow old. I think what you are doing for your father is extremely wonderful and you'll have that when he is gone.

It really depends on the responsibility levels of the kids and how they were raised. My own mother is the oldest of three and had to care for both my parents and an aunt simply because my aunt and uncle were too self centered to help. To add insult to injury, my uncle (the middle Kid) had the nerve to ask my mother why she would give priority to me (her child) over him. BTW, *I'm* an only child (and a very lucky one at that).

Our son, now 6.5, was a surprise - we wanted to be married for a few years, but he was born when we had been married for a year. Then when he hit age 2, the constant questioning came "when are you having another?" (Something I will NEVER ask anyone.) We never had thought about how many children we wanted - we figured we'd have 2 or 3 (or until we felt like we had enough). But it was almost like a societal pressure at that time that planted the seed in our head to start trying again (we initially thought we'd wait until our son was 4 or 5 before trying for a second). I've since had 5 miscarriages (going through one right now following an IVF cycle), and I wonder how much more "trying" we can handle. I'm in my mid-30s, so whose to say what may happen in the next few years, but already, I can see the advantages of having one child (and I'm trying to appreciate these advantages as this may very well be the size of our family). He attends a great private school (out of necessity since we live in a city, but if we had many children, this wouldn't be affordable), he travels with us everywhere, he is very comfortable around adults (as well as polite and respectful), he doesn't have (and we don't have to referee) irrational screaming/fighting matches with a sibling, and he's very well rounded - athletic, intelligent, funny, confident and has a lot of friends. Of course, much of this may be due to the personality that he was born with, but we'll never know. Another advantage, in my opinion, is that we'll never favor one child over another -- something that every friend of mine with more than one child admits to doing; they say, "how can you not?" My parents had a favorite and my husband's parents had a favorite - you always know who the favorite is, and that can really hurt when growing up.

As for the "giving him a sibling" argument -- I agree wholeheartedly with the early poster who said there's no guarantee they'll be friends - or even that he'll take care of us as we get older. I am one of three, my husband is one of five, and neither of us is "best friends" or even particularly close to any of our siblings - if anything, tensions/rivalries seem to come up at family gatherings, causing more stress than enjoyment. So I don't feel like my son is missing out on having a sibling. He asked for a sibling when he was about 4, but now he says he doesn't want one b/c all of his friends fight with their brothers/sisters.

I think at this point, my wanting a second child is a way of proving I can do it - it sounds warped, but it's hard for me to accept failure. And if we did have another child, it would be like a second only child anyway due to the age difference.

I'm an only child, and I've noticed that all of the people who claim that having an only is fine and dandy, HAVE only children, but never ARE only children. Having an only might be great - for the parents - when the kids are small, but they get older and so do you - and everyone doesn't grow old gracefully.

I'm an only and I've wanted a sibling since I can remenber. I really wish I had one now. My parents divorced when I was seven. When parents divorce, the only reason they have to speak to each other is when it concerns the children, therefore all of their arguments are about the children. When you're an only, the only reason that your divorced parents fight is because of you. In my case, it was because I needed something and they argued about who would pay for it, but from my perspective, they were still arguing about me.

If anything was ever misplaced or done wrong, of course it was my fault. There was no one else. I tried to be perfect so that I wasn't screamed at. Then my parents got spoiled and assumed I shouldn't be any trouble just because I usually tried not to be. So I had to be perfect because they expected it.
So, it's not right to think that "only children are not as much of a bother". It usually means you're neglecting the needs of the only or the only is suppressing his/her needs because he or she has gotten the message that he/she is "not supposed to be much trouble."

Back to the "divorced parents" thing. For a while, neither of my parents were remarried and they couldn't stand each other. So I, as a high-schooler, was concerned about how I was going to care for both of them when they got old because I was sure if they were in the same house (mine) they would kill each other. Granted, as a high-schooler this wasn't a reality that I had to deal with yet, but I hated having to think about it.

Then, my mom got late-onset paranoid schizophrenia while I was in college, so I have a raging mom with delusions who refuses to live with me or anyone else, so she is homeless and on the street. I had no one to turn to. My dad doesn't have any responsibility for her because she is no longer his wife. She would have false memories or no memories and I had no one to "check them" with since I remembered the events differently. It took me a while to realize that she was having delusions - and since her delusions involved me being in danger, I had a few years of hell before I realized that none of it was real. Being able to turn to a sister or a brother and say "What's going on with mom?" or "Do you remember that happening? I don't." Would have saved me a LOT of mehtal anguish.

So now, I'm 35. No husband or kids because I felt like I would be saddling some poor guy with the care of me AND my mom. But I'm not caring for her now either because she doesn't know who I am anymore, so I can't get her off the street to come anywhere with me. The police won't take her to a mental health facility unless she forgets how to feed herself or is a danger to herself or others, so I'm helpless. And alone.

I would love to have a family of my own, but I feel like I'm being selfish because, at some point, I'll probably have to get my mom and bring her in. My dad is remarried and in good health for now, but who knows what the future will hold? I might need to take care of him, too. If I got married and had children, would it be too much? Would anyone even want me when it seems I'm neglecting my mom? Would anyone want me knowing that she'll eventually come, too? Is it wrong of me to just wish my parents could take care of themselves so that I could have a life?

Furthermore, although my grandma had several kids from several marriages, she only had two with my grandfather, and my mom is the only one who reproduced, so I am my maternal grandfather's only grandchild. I've only seen him about 3 times in my life, but when he needed nursing care, his sister didn't want to take him so she called me and tried to guilt trip me into taking him in since I'm his grandkid. I refused, so she put him in a nursing home.

But on paper I'm college educated with a good job and my own condo, so everyone who knows me would say I'm an "only-child" success story. Like education and income are the only things that matter.

I know my family situation is probably a worse-case scenario, but I hope I've added some perspective. I can't help that I'm an only child. I would NEVER have an only child if I could help it.

Much of the research (mine and others) in the field has been devoted to asking only children for their feelings. Only children from the ages of seven to seventy-nine were interviewed for my book, Parenting An Only Child.

Caring for parents is difficult with or without siblings. Please read my post "Who Will Care for You?" It gives some insights into the difficulties that arise among siblings. There are no right or wrong choices when it comes to family size.

The previous post is proof that parenting is the key, not the number of children in the family. Children from dysfunctional families suffer no matter how many siblings they have. It's very sad to me that people spend their lives wishing for something (siblings) that they think will make them happy instead of trying to be happy with what they have. What if you had younger brothers and sisters that were depending on you to take care of them because your parents flaked out? Would that make life easier? Would having a sibling who then refuses to help you with your parents make it easier? Ugh, I wish people would try to see things from all perspectives and suck it up! The victim mentality is so tired. And never say NEVER. I never thought I'd have one child, but once you find out what it's like to be a parent, your mind can change.

Oh Katja, speaking singleton to Singleton, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, but it didn't have to be that way. I had much of the same circumstances you had (my dad even told me my existence kept him from killing my mother. ) Regardless, after many attempted brainwashings by schools, relatives and friendly neighborhood phychiatric centers, I rejected most of the values I didn't like, cut off so-called friends and ditched the town that kept shoving them down my throat, and started a new life where I could be my self.......with my mom. Oh well, you can't get everything, but do you *need* everything?

Your experience is valid and I am sure there are others who agree; however, I'm an only child and never experienced those issues. I never wanted another sibling (despite facing a bi-polar parent). Your feelings are very real and I truly feel for you. Just make sure you realize that because your situation was wrong for you, it isn't wrong for everyone. I know many people who were tortured by their siblings growing up--that doesn't mean that having siblings is also something to "never do."

I've asked my son (who is only 8) and he maintains that he would not want a brother or sister.

I just want to say that I have decided for myself that I am much more suited to having one child. It is what I set out to do and what I have done. I am happy, my daughter is happy. What bugs me is the latest comment I recieved and trust me I get many but this one was a a biggie. I guess my decision to have one child is a direct connection to how much I enjoy children and being a MOM. My well meaning sister in law said " Well, I guess I just enjoyed every minute of being a parent that is why I had more!" Like, excuse me that makes you better mother than me because you decided to chooose to have more kids...honestly please shut up!!!

Proud Mom to a lovely only child!! and guess what I would not change a thing!

Lisa,
I find it amazing that family and friends are locked into their own ideas about what someone else's family size should be. Way too often they think that their way is the "right" or "correct" way. Having more children does not make you a better parent, a busier, more stressed one perhaps, but certainly not more loving and effective.

I am an only child, and I have only one child. The thing that is most disruptive to me is not the fact that my son doesn't have a sibling, but the constant questions from other people. It was my decision and everyone has a reasons for choosing what the do. Be it beyond their control such as illness or financial, or personal such as lifestyle. Personally for me I had severe postpartum depression. I still have depression and I was always scared of what it would be like again and I wanted to avoid the suffering and also the strain placed on my family and also my child. But this is not something I want to discuss with strangers...nor do I feel they should ask me at all. I hate the stereotypes and I love our little family.

Dear Susan,
I have an only child, but first let me start with....
I am the oldest child (there were only two of us - four years apart). Our parents divorced when I was 8 y.o. and I had jobs since 11 y.o. to buy food and clothes for my little sister and I, but mostly for her. I took care of her for several years, until I left home at 14, never to return. Our mother wanted to party and be out and never took care of her responsibilities. Responsibility has been my middle name since as far back as I can remember.

Unfortunately & fortunately, I was 16 when I had my daughter (did not marry the father) and it had been just the two of us until I met my husband, when she was just 4 y.o. We married when she was 11 y.o. and she was very happy for all of us. Since she turned 12 and now she is 16 y.o., she has gone through the normal "teenage" emotions. She is a very good and happy kid, both in and outside of school.

My husband and I are now talking about having a baby and adding to our family and my daughter gets upset at the idea, saying she hates babies and doesn't want me to have one. We only want one, as my husband doesn't have any children of his own and we are very happy having our family of 3 and only want to add to the enjoyment - hers and ours. I don't think she is 100% concerned that she will not get all of the attention, I think there are deeper concerns that she is not sharing. Of course, I will have her see our family therapist soon, but in the meantime, I want to find out more about how teens are handling/dealing with these situations and better yet, how are the parents handling it all?

First of all i truely agree with your facts supporting the growing trend of one-child family.It has obviously now become difficult for many families to bear the lumpsum expenses of even a single child in such an inflationary era.Secondly,now a days most of the people no longer rely on male child for their support in old age,since youth of current era has become quite selfish and are usually concerned about their own future even for which they could sacrifice their parents and family.So that era has passed by when girls were considered to be just a responsibility for parents which they just have to bear with and who yield no return for the parents in their later life.However,keeping those facts apart,one can not deny the fact that there is always some generation gap which exists between parents and children in most of the cases due to which most of the children feel isolated and this can also lead to their depression.In order to overcome that,a child does need a sibling to share his/her feelings with.Since not all the things could be shared with friends and outsiders,close blood relationships are required for this purpose.

I often wonder what is the hoo haa of having single child or double. In the end when they will reach 18 years, they will leave you to have their own life. The people in Borneo live as one big family in the long house and it does not matter if they have one or 2 or 3 or more as their singleton will always have companion to socialise with. So it's more of the issue if you provide the social circle when your child is at the early age. Having an additional child is liken to the extra companion vice versa. In the end it boils down to the childs ability to interact and mixed. A child with a social disorder will still be lonely despite having many siblings. Having additional sibling does not gurantee he or she will have a wonderful life, it may even be just the opposite. It mean having resources divided and diluted compared to if he or she is alone.Morever there is more than a million singleton in the world. If you can get all singleton to join up in a big family, it issue of single lonely child is no longer a real issue.

I am amazed at how many people expect their children to look after them in their old age.Do people have babies as a retirement plan?As a mother of a beautiful boy I would never expect him to look after me in my last days and think it's quite appalling to expect that for your childrens life.
It is our choice to have only one child because without the traditional support networks around us such as grandparents or extended family we knew one was all we could handle.
To have another child would mean me having to give up my job and losing that income so we would have less to offer our children.
My only child started school this year and has made many friends, he is a social boy but he has never asked about having a brother or a sister.Of 24 children he is 1 of 8 children in his class that are only children he is not on his own and infact it looks like he is becoming a majority.
What I find with mothers who have multiple children is that they have already decided how many children they want way before they start having children, lets say three, this is their dream number, this doesn't take into account the affordability of this, this doesn't take into account what her partner wants, or what the future may hold for her three family. This is her dream and nobody elses.
When I share my afternoons with my son I am so glad I don't have to split my time with another child it is relaxed and special.And we wouldn't change our situation.

It isn't all about us and our precious one child. Those who want to dominate this planet are multiplying like rabbits. Those who have difficulty supporting their children are multiplying like rabbits, It's all about the dominating the "vote" as well as people concerned about over-population.

Radical Moslems have their answer to over-population---kill anyone who isn't Moslem. Palestinians want re-integration into Israel--think Right of Return---and then marginalize the Israelis using the vote and using that power to eliminate all the unwashed, non-believers.
I guess it's not PC to think along these terms because some one may be offended by reality.

Change of direction----Consider the huge social problems the Chinese will soon be facing after decades of the 1-child policy. An aging population with no one to care for them, no one to provide adequate services and no one to produce the resources necessary to thrive. The answer just may be death to the elders.

Wars will slower the growth as will famine and disease and soon the world will get back to "survival of the fittest". It isn't a pretty picture but nature has a way of solving its own problems while Biff and Muffin get pampered. Good luck to those who are focused on themselves and their immediate gratification. You'll need it.

"The implication, whether stated or not, was that there is something wrong with only children or with parents who stop after having one child."

How about just different and not too common. I think you need to get over your own insecurities and stop blaming others for them. This may sound a little harsh, but people asking a normal question like that does NOT imply that you are doing something wrong.

I cannot believe all of the crap I hear on here about parents who have multiples. I have 4 girls and we don't let our children parent each other. Yes, they will talk with each other and yes the older ones LIKE to help the little ones when they are playing where ever in the house but WE are their parents. WE change diapers, WE discipline, WE play with them, WE socialize with them, WE do everything with our kids. We work opposite hours so that our kids are raised BY USE and not strangers. We teach our children and interact with them all day everyday until they are forced into the AWEFUL thing we call a public school.
Are there advantages to being or having only one child? Yes, but there are more disadvantages to. A well balanced family, (i.e. mom, dad, kid or kids) can be great if the parents actually do their job. The go to work, make money then come home and spend a couple of hours with their child until bed. Most parents don't raise their kids but there are those of us out there that have multiple children that actually raise our children right. DON'T ASSUME!!!! DON'T assume we are all bad parents because YOU can't handle more than one child or simply aren't bright enough to figure out how to raise more than one. Obviously those of you that can't raise more than one without having issues probably can't multitask worth a darn either.

Please don't ask people not to "assume" things about parents of multiples, and then tell parents of one that they have "issues" or "can't multitask", or else they would have more kids. Most parents try their best to make good choices for their kids, as well as to make the necessary sacrifices for their future. For some parents, that means fewer kids or one kid, for some more. Let's be supportive of each other.

Why do you assume everything you do is right?? You're children don't actually need their parents breathing down their necks all the time.If you hate public school so much, then home school or send your kids to private school. If you can't afford to send four kids to private school, then don't have four kids. Or better yet face that and don't complain about it and call it AWFUL. (especially if you can't even spell it correctly, it's not "aweful", i mean seriously, this site has spell check) I'm currently in public school and am an only child and I was very well parented and I'm very intelligent. And I'm fine. It's good to take interest in your kids, that'll be good for them, but be sure to give them room to breathe, and don't judge others. Don't act like you're better because you have more kids. Some things are just better for certain people. If everyone had multiple kids we'd just overcrowd the planet. I'm sure you don't mean to, but you sound like a snob. Be careful not to offend people, because there's really no point. OBVIOUSLY, you need to work on your manners, I wouldn't want your kids to pick THAT up.I'm a singleton, and you know what, I KNOW SOME THINGS!!!!!!

i got birth in 9 child family who shared and cared each other, played and fought together, enjoyed the belongings as a unit, shared everything till we became independant with our own families. still we visit each most of the weekends, and make get togethers on every occasion we get. we were very happy earlier, and now too.

i have six children now, i thought difficulty to shelter them in double bed room house, but i noticed that very coperative and sharing when i introduced berth beds, joint study tables etc..now they have grown and blossomed to 23-B,20-Girl,17-B,14-B-B,11-B,8-B. i am searching the issues and found they are very much caring and even they recoganize the feelings of younger and informe us. They care the home at our absence, and care their grand parents and younger ones as a responsible adult. They do not ask toffees, dresses, outings until we plan for it. They invite us for seing their favorite film

My mom is an only child. My grandmother wanted additional children but miscarried several times. I am an only child. My mother divorced when I was young and didn't have more children. She also had other problems that ended her childbearing years early. My daughter (age 4) is an only child. I cannot have more children (and am grateful I have her).

My mom and I both enjoyed being only children. It's interesting to me to read the comments about who only children are, the advantages and disadvantages of being an only child. There are traits that we share and others that we don't. I think that's based on who we are (inherent personalities), and how we were raised (external environmental factors). I never longed for siblings because I lived in a neighborhood where there were plenty of other children with whom I could play. I have strong relationships with people I consider like brothers or sisters to me, but I think that would be the same even if I had siblings.

I'm happy to find this blog. I look forward future posts. I doubt that any of us will agree with everything posted, but it definitely gives us a lot to think about.

I loved being an only child myself, I couldn't imagine it being any other way. Growing up my home life was so peaceful and loving and I can't say I ever minded constantly being the center of attention.

My honest feeling is that 'multi's' are the disadvantaged ones. Thankfully less and less people are choosing to have more than one child these days just to conform to some sort of outdated ideal.

Why is it that every time I do research on help for raising my only child every conversation devolves into which is better? I don't really care why you have 12 kids and I'm not inclined to explain to you why I have one. It's not that I'm convinced my way's better, I just don't see how the debate has any relevance. The reality is, I have one and I want to be the best father I can be. Don't really care how anyone feels about it. Anyone know of a place where Only parents can get solid advice, compare notes etc. without all the ridiculous finger pointing (on both sides by the way)?

Dad (Moms too)check out some of the major parenting sites; many of them have discussion boards for parents of only children. They are helpful and supportive. Also, my book, Parenting an Only Child, provides many suggestions; your library probably has a copy.

Thank you to the writer and those interested in giving positive feedback on only children. I am the oldest of 3 in my family and I did enjoy a wonderful relationship with my younger sister and was more like an extra parent to my brother who is 9 years younger than me, we are now very close.
I did not plan to have an only child, but my circumstances did not allow me to have anymore children. I have a boy 12 and I am also a single mom, so it was actually a blessing to have only one when I got divorced, it has made it easier to be able to afford extra things for him that I might not be able to provide if I had more. Early on I arranged play dates for him and went back to work part-time when he was a year old so he went to a daycare home with several children his age. When he went to preschool the teachers were amazed that he was an only child. He played well with others and was very giving and unselfish. Now as a preteen he is very social, visits with friends on the phone, goes to others houses or has friends over. He has always participated in sports and seems to bond with well with all his team mates. I also feel I have more time for bonding with him that I wouldn't have if there were more children.
I do worry about the long term affects. If he will feel he missed out on that special bond between siblings. I do not expect him to take care of me when I'm older. I do hope we help each other out, just because we love one another. I look forward to hearing more comments from those that are single children.

My husband and I are 42 and 36 and had our daughter 2.5 years ago. We plan to have only one child. We have traveled the world and enjoy our careers and having one child allows us to not only continue to enjoy it ourselves ( and fuels our relationship ), but to show her the world and bring her with us... which she seems to greatly enjoy. It also gives us the flexibility to spend large amounts of time with her since our schedules are flexible. I don't see her as being lonely. She is in a Montessori program and both her social and verbal skills are quite advanced and she never hesitates to simply state that she is going outside to play with the other neighborhood kids when she wants to! She is not overindulged, she is extremely self-discipline, polite, neat, and plays very well with others. It is about the entire family dynamic and it is really time for people to rethink the stereotypes. What works for one family does not work for all and I have seen so many friends have their marriages impacted from the stress of having more than one child and that hurts the entire family.

I am 31 and my husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. People often question me about having number 2, and the answer is not so cut and dry in my case.
First- due to the economy my husband's income is reduced (he's a carpenter) and I must work full-time to keep health benefits. I am a special ed teacher, which is stressful enough some days. There is no way I am going to lose health benefits with a young child in the home.
Second- My family is somewhat back into a routine 4 years after our daughter being born, which means we're all used to getting a good night's sleep. As soon as my husband and I start seriously considering having number two, daughter gets sick with a cold and is up two nights in a row, or something like that. After a few sleepless nights I look at my husband and say,"Are we crazy? This times TWO?"
Third- I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about ten years ago which is well-controlled with nutrition, exercise, and a very specific medication. My psychiatrist has warned me that this medication absolutely cannot be taken during pregnancy. In fact, I must stop taking it several months beforehand if we're even considering trying for a baby because of the risk of birth defects. But I know for me going off this medication is not a good idea.
So, because of these factors we will probably be a one-child family and I will love my daughter with all my heart. As much as I'd like a second baby, I also have to be realistic given my family situation.

Thank you for explaining your situation. Many of the circumstances you mentioned affect others in much the same way as they decide whether or not to have second children. With all that love you give your daughter, she will thrive and be happy. The number of one-child families continues to grow for reasons you detailed and others discussed in my new book, The Case for the Only Child, which will be published on June 1. Being realistic about your situation is wise.