Tennisburger Cries Like a Silly, Little Bitch

Yes I have all the symptoms of being a baby. I shit my pants, drooled, threw a tantrum the size of Ted Robinson’s eyes (dude looks like a puffin, I finally figured it out), and in the end, yes, I cried. It was more like an uncontrollable weep. Tears weren’t dripping from my ducts, it was like a goddamn water works show in Vegas. Why I’m telling you this, I’ll never know (actually I’m drunk off Jagermeister and Sparks which might have something to do with my admission). That’s my (HD)TV up there in the corner. I put my head through it a number of times just after Roger (not rogAH you fucking tea slurpers) hit the final ball into the net. Is there really anything I can say to make you all feel better? The answer is no. In fact, if I recap this epic match you might bust out crying and short circuit your Commodore 64. Well whatever, let’s cry together and open up old tennis wounds, shall we? Seriously, as I write this I feel like I’m punching myself in the face. You’re all sick for even being here.

After being broken it was 1-2 in the first set and the Cream Dream came back from 0-40 for his first break chance. But then he looked a buff, Spanish gift bull in the mouth and blew it harder than a virgin attempting her (his?) first blow job. Serisously, that’s sloppy stuff.

What’s this? McEnroe “hit with RAFA! the other day”? Hit what? I know that decrepit motherfucker couldn’t survive RAFA!’s feed in a rally let alone “hit” with the guy. What could they have been hitting???

Federer gave some fight at the end of the first set but RAFA! took the first high-five, while Federer got the gentle pat on the back.

In the beginning of the second set one of the line judges scurried up to Federer and whispered into his ear that it was indeed RAFA! who killed his dog. Hearing this Federer went on a Swiss tear (unheard of in all of Switzerland’s history) going up 4-2 before being broken, with Rafa to serve at 3-4.

How many pounds of shit filled Federer’s pants in the 8th game of the second set? 5? 10? Federer won 2 consecutive points, but RAFA!’s errant shots actually (and quite deservedly) received the applause. I mean, the guy is losing points and making you look bad? Could somebody drag Bud out of his coffin so he can explain paradigm shifts again?

In the middle of the 10th game, 30-30, the chair umpire threw the yellow flag for delay of game…out loud…over the P.A….right before RAFA! was about to serve…in front of everyone. Is that not the equivalent of your mom walking in on you while you’re vigorously pulling your pork? For once I agreed with the Puffin and the Muffin and found the ill-timed admonishment awkward and pointless, much like your mom barging in on you while you jerk your Jamaican chicken. It didn’t matter though as Nadal went up two sets and my chub went down two inches.

Real quick (it’s actually going to be really drawn out and boring, my cat is doing that thing when she senses earthquakes), someone (who you’ll soon see is undoubtedly an idiot) asked me why I called bullshit on Carillo’s “prediction” on this match hinging on their ability to win their 2nd serves, so I’ll clarify (for once). I actually think the entire stat is bullshit (in regards to this match). Both of these guys pull winners out of their ass (i.e. very low percentage shots and defensive shots somehow morph into winners). Sure, there is a snowball effect throughout a point that could begin with a sloppy 2nd serve, but I don’t think you could hold a candle to that fart in this match. Federer needed to break RAFA! (I’ve already been over the importance of a break and how you can’t win matches without it), something he did once out of thirteen fucking chances! So when you look back and cry at Federer’s 52 errors (high if your Federer, low if your Monfils) can you really point to the 2nd serve as a starting point? These guys aren’t thrown off the trail too badly when hitting a return shot from their 2nd serve. How many of Federer’s 52 errors were made while on his 2nd serve. That would be a much more telling stat. I’m just sayin’, sometimes statistics can be very general, like Manritilova’s gender. And anyway, I was right and Carillo, you were wrong (they had nearly similar success with their 2nd serves, both in the high 50 percentile). I’m pretty sure our bet will hold up in court, so just go ahead and send me the deed to your lesbian super palace post haste.

In the third set, Nadal serving 2-3 he was facing two break points and offered up Federer two more gift horses in the form of two 80mph 2nd serves to which Federer awkwardly refused (and looked in the mouth). See Carillo, 2nd serve don’t mean shit around these parts! Federer lamb shanked both of ’em and my chub actually receded back into my groin area.

At one point McEntoe enquired about track n’ field. All I had to say (yell) to this (at my TV) was, “FUCK TRACK N’ FIELD UP THE ASS WITH A BATON!” Really? Running? Imagine photoshopping the tennis rackets and tennis balls out of the players hands and watching them run around for 5 hours. I’d rather have a pack of wild hyenas attack my bare ball sack than watch men run around in a circle. Makes NASCAR fans not look so inbred.

Third and fourth sets were actually pretty pedestrian until the fourth set tie break. Federer was all, “I’m not going to share my serve, and RAFA! was all, well I’m not gonna share my serve either.” There mommies didn’t intervene and let them be greedy with their serves. Yes, lots of holding on, not much sharing.

In the fourth set tie-break, Federer, down 5-2, RAFA! choked on a double fault sandwich and a lamb shank. Then 6-7, Federer serving RAFA!’s Championship point. BOOSH! 7-7. It’s okay, chub, you can come out, nothing to be afraid of. Down 7-8 Federer launched a backhand up the line and I started to realize what an honest to Monfils heart attack feels like. Seriously, at 8-8 I had a brain aneurysm and after Federer pulled out the 2nd tie-break 10-8 my chub had an aneurysm…all over my tighty whiteys.

5th set (somewhere (in Ozzy land) Hewitt was clenching his fist and murmuring to himself “that could’ve been me out there”): I can’t really take notes while hiding behind my pillow, clenching my sheets, jumping up and down, kicking my cat, and throwing my house speakers through a wall, so it’s pretty sketch for me (therefore for you too) as I don’t have much to go on. Federer had a break chance to serve for the match, aaaaaaaaaaaand, deuce. My chub died faster than the grass at the baseline (actually that took a few days, so it was much, much faster). RAFA! held his serve and I let go of my chub. At 8-7 with RAFA! serving the crowd started chanting “blah! blah! blah!…blah! blah! blah!” Can those people do anything right? Answer: No. You know the rest, shit was crazy yo.

RAFA! induced a million, shitty, unoriginal writers to put in print “changing of the guard”, 6-4, 6-4, 6-7, 6-7, 9-7. I’m not really proud of my headline and what it reveals, but it’s better than that shite. I don’t want to get into the post match crap, like RAFA! saying it’s his favorite tournament (uhhhh, you can’t have two favorites dummy), or McEnroe’s extremely awkward interview sesh where he tries to hug a very uncomfortable Federer. Tons of shit there but I am truly heart broken for the Cream Dream (which I guess will only now live on in my bed with my girlfriend…when she’s not looking). I don’t hate RAFA!, he’s aight, and we’re going to need someone to keep down the Screech for the next 5 or six years and I don’t think Federer is the man to do it.

Hard court, my fave! See you all when something truly bizarre tries to fly under the burger radar. As long as the Tennis Channel does it’s job between now and the U.S. Open you’ll see me here from time to time postulating on everything from masturbation to tennis. Actually those are the only two things I cover, oh! and juicy asses!

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5 Responses

Wait until the hardcourt season, bitch! Wait until RAFA gets to a final! Then I will do a ‘I’m not worthy’ Until then you, Senor, are not #1. But kudos for playing a bitch of a match- from a hardcore Fed Fan.

how many televisions did you smash, anyway? are you still smashing televisions? you crazy sonofabitch! i need to invite you to my next party. you can be the guy that gets all out of hand, and at one point i’ll be all, “dude, there’s nothing left to smash, take a breather, grab a bud light and chill.”

I am so pissed (but so happy that it didn’t end in 3) I don’t know what to say or do. I am still in a daze. We had people over to the house (all Fed fans) and I still haven’t seen anything after the last point, because I was threatened about turning the TV off immediately after the last point, and I, of little faith, had the remote in my hand). But I did Tivo the fucking thing, so I guess at some point I’ll watch MacEnroe’s hug me set piece. It is still too raw to joke about.

OK, what the Fuck? When will we get to read more clever shit about tennis, or do I have to wait until the US Open? The meaningless Olympics or the Cincy and Toronto Masters, do they rate Tennisburger’s brilliance? I’m over Wimbledon by now, what say you?

Ha! When Tennisburger.com drops you’re gonna fill your pants up with so much shit you’re gonna wish you never asked that question. I’m going to smell Serena’s ass in the flesh this Saturday at Stanford, so that’ll drop and I’m mos def on the Olympic tip. Thanks for the interest, but a bigger (and bigger always means better, let us not forget what country we live in) question is, what in tarnation happened to DadTheyBrokeMe? He better be dead, in a coma, or in incarcerated. Don’t break anything ’til I get back!