Healthy Relationships Support Group

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How do I stop years of mistrust...

I can't seem to allow people to get close to me outside of relationships, including family members.

This has driven me from one long-term relationship to the other, like a cycle. And I settle because I look for "safe" guys. So when the types of guys come into my life that I am looking for, I often sabbotage it by pushing, distancing myself, making things overly complicated or trying too hard because of a combination of my mistrust for them, and a mistrust for myself. This has been going on for years.

I just don't know how to stop it, and I'm starting to think I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life either because I'll get so frustrated that I end up shutting everyone out, or I'll continue this hurtful cycle until I have nothing left to really offer to anyone.

Seriously...how do I stop this? I'm well aware that I do it, and pretty sure I know why, so why can't I make a conscious decision and then follow through to stop doing it?

They ask you to go to lunch. Do it. have a pleasant time. Don't judge. Just relax n enjoy their company as a person (not a judge. Don't criticize them mentally. Don't take mental notes of things that simply aren't there.). Just breathe n enjoy their company.

Try to make it a somewhat frequent thing. Don't sleep with the guy. Just get to a comfortable point where you aren't so amped up, you know? Once you get to that point, things should get a little easier.

if the single life is not for you then maybe open relationships with several safe men? Just a guess. At least you will be able to feel safe because you can cut it off at any time, or just consider them as friends with benefits. Some people are happier with no obligations at the back of their mind. Or feeling social pressures like producing grandchildren.

Idk if it will help you, but I decided to accept that some people will eventually hurt me, that I can not stop anyone from acting in certain ways, the only thing I can change is how I feel about it.
I accepted that taking a risk is a part of being in a relationship and if it ends unfavorably, then I just have to deal with it or be alone forever,
I am very social, so I choose to try.
also, I'm not sure if you tell your partners about trust issues, but I found that it helps to put it out on the table right from the start and if the person really loves you, they will make attempts to earn your trust and learn to read your behaviors.

Beneath, or beyond, that pain, is much love and pleasure, if you allow yourself to be vulnerable to it, so a lot of this is simply allowing yourself to feel completely relaxed, even if it puts you at the mercy of another and makes you feel stupid.

We're all frail, fragile and human, so, eventually, you'll find someone who similarly admits their fallibility, so the two of you can be blissfully ignorant together and be OK with it, without one trying to horde superiority over another.

Thank you all for your advice. I've taken it all into consideration. Baby steps and patience are definitely things I'm continally reminding myself of :)

I wonder though, relating to Aziza's post (&quot;if the single life is not for you then maybe open relationships with several safe men?&quot;...), if that could be a bit counterproductive in the development of the kind of trust I seek. In essence, this type of scenario removes the need to have that level of trust.

BUT, I do like the idea of trying that approach as a starting point for me to work on learning to not judge or take mental notes (which I do in almost all social situations as it is, even though I don't want to). Maybe in this practice approach, I can also get back to not feeling so amped up as Shai suggested in the first reply to this string.

At this point, I want to start &quot;light&quot;, then work towards more &quot;heavy&quot; relationships, so that's not such a bad idea.

Go to a counsellor to explore this. I have similar issues and its due to my childhood and being married to a sociopath. Do you have anything like that to deal with? Don't take on maladaptive behaviours to cope, it will only hurt you more. All the best on this one, I know how it is.

So-called &quot;safe&quot; guys are boring; yet the exciting, animalistic guys you truly crave will probably hurt you, by cheating on you or trying to pummel you into submission, physically and/or emotionally. I see the cycle.

I suppose the only answer is take a risk on a so-called &quot;dangerous&quot; guy you really like, use protection for sex, and carefully observe their behavior, without masking it through a veil of your own emotional needs. Oftentimes, the so-called &quot;dangerous&quot; guy reveals himself as nothing more than a jerk, a shit-head, when viewed objectively.

I've been married going on 10yrs. After two kids my sex drive has changed and i dont have the desire like I used to. This has caused issues in our marriage my husband feels like hes not it for me cuz I never iniate or have an interest in sex. With this and lack of communication he has stepped out on me smh. We're going through this now. I just want to hear peoples ideas on how to get my drive...

I've been single for a while now. A long while. I was caught up in my work. Trying to make my mark. I want to start thinking of settling down. Sharing my life with someone else. Other than my family. You know what I mean? The only downside. Right now I am battling cancer. I am one of the lucky ones. I'll beat this. We caught it in time. I am just not sure that anyone would want to get involved...

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