Monday, March 30, 2015

There’s an old saying that I believe was coined around 18BC,
which is especially cool seeing as coins hadn’t been invented yet, and this
saying was on my mind all day today, even though my mind isn’t old, unless you
are comparing it to a day spa, which obviously hasn’t been there very long at
all, you know cause so many of them open I assume the old ones go away:

‘You can train someone to build trains, but you can’t build
someone to train builds’.

I have always loved this quote. Not just because it proves the
ancient Babylonians predicted the invention of the train. Nor because it proves
that the ancient Babylonians knew that when trains were eventually invented
people could be trained to build them. Which is in itself an amazing insight.
But what makes me really love this quote is that it proves that the Ancient
Babylonians also accurately predicted the lack of invention of builds. That’s
incredible.

I mean think about it. Anyone can predict stuff that will one
day definitely be invented, watch I’ll do it now:

-Flying submarines.

-Swimming airplanes.

-Marineplane Flys.

That’s easy.

But try coming up with something that will definitely never be
invented, it’s tough, watch I’ll do it now:

Will those all definitely never ever be invented? Who the hell
knows? I don’t know what future humans will be made of? But I’m sure we’ll run
out of skin, blood, bones and pig hearts eventually. I don’t know how much salt
people are snorting these days? But I am sure however much people are doing the
salt is really, really salty. And what even is stanauption? It could be
anything. It could even be an alternative to day spas, which will really make
most of them younger than my mind older than them.

Yep, ancient Babylonians, they sure knew what they were doing.

Ps. if stanauption ends up being an alternative to coins, I
totally want a cut.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

I'm cold. Yes. Right now. This is crazy. There's all sorts of horrible truths involved here. Such as:

- I may have to get off my fat ass and put on some long pants.

- Or possibly even some form of top half of the body covering.

- Or possibly even both!

- And/ or potentially have to close my balcony door.

Obviously those are all tragic ordeals the likes of which I haven't had to face since forever, like as far back as yesterday. Truly horrific. But shockingly I'm not even at this stories worst part. Here's where things get overwhelmingly abhorrent:

All the popular sayings commonly used to announce an expression of ones feelings about the current temperature being at a lower number than one would personally like it to be in relation to comfort and warmth as expressed with some form of metaphor totally fucking suck!!

I'm freezing my balls off?

Colder than a witches tit?

So cold I'd eat you grandmothers dick if it had Tabasco on it?

All hugely popular sayings. All hugely inadequate if you ask me? Particularly the rude bits, language like 'had', 'off' 'than', it just fucks me off.

But fear not, as your hero I will of course solve this problem, presenting now new, safe, fun, awesome, flawless, brilliant, better than a red moon hiding behind a playground that's full of candy, but not in a creepy way at all, I mean focus more on the red moon, that's the important thing here, rudeless, happy, creative sayings you can use to let people know how you feel about the current temperatures being colder than you'd like it them to be, should you ever find yourself in such a situation:

- 'It's colder in here than a bag of coins that have just been removed from a vending machine! A vending machine for drinks. So it was refrigerated. Including the area immediately adjacent to where the coins were kept'.

Boom, that one is awesome. Just reading it back is giving me goosebumps. Let's do another.

- 'I'm colder than a room that has just experienced a really awkward moment, like super awkward, such as someone has just said something like 'the catering here is really good but not great' and like a waiter totally overheard. A waiter who works for the caterer. Like painfully awkward like that'.

Wow. That's freezing cold. And we're just warming up. And these are already getting hot. And when we're in a zone this paradoxically awesome then you know we're having fun. Let's do one more.

I was sent by the Travel Channel to make a travel show documenting my road trip from Adelaide to Sydney. It went great!

I'd like to quickly thank everyone who worked on this. The camera men
and women, editors, writers, location scouts, special effects team,
animal wranglers and everyone else. Without all your work we would not
have an end result that so beautifully pulled off everything we hoped to
achieve. Thankyou.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

I voted today. State elections in my state of New South Wales. It was very exciting. It included some of my favorite activities, including but not limited to:

- Having my name crossed off a list.

- Getting a form handed to me.

- Figuring out how to fill out the form.

- Thinking 'seriously, people really dedicate their lives to the cycling party? I mean I get that hobbies are important to some people. And transport choices can have a deep physical and financial and time influence on your life. And there are fashion considerations to take into account. To lycra or not, for example. Oh plus getting run over by trucks isn't everyone's cup of tea. Especially on concrete. Get hit by a semi and you could totally scrape your knee. I mean ouch. But to start or even join a political party based on a hobby? And run in an election? I'm surprised. I wonder what political party I'd start if I was going to start one. The more people buy my books please party? That's not bad. We'd campaign on a platform of change, mostly in the area of book sales, with a specific focus on books written by key members of the party, including the parties founder, myself, and possibly even the parties key financial backer, myself. But we could also expand our directives into other areas, like what snacks to have at meetings. Jalapeño Poppers for example. Which could be enjoyed by favored policy mentors such as myself. Yeah that would be pretty sweet. I could be all like - I'm the head of a major political party - oh you want proof, ok - smell my breath - there's all the deep fried cheesy spice you need! I wonder how you'd go about starting a political party? You probably have to register, maybe go somewhere and get your name crossed off a list. Then, I don't know getting handed a form perhaps. Maybe followed by having to figure out how to fill it out. Wait a minute, that's sort of like what I'm doing here. They're trying to make us go through what they have to go through to start a political party with a main job of using that position to make us do what they have to do to do so, it's a scam - ITS A FUCKING SCAM EVERYONE, ITS ALL A RUSE!!!! A RUSE DAMN IT!!!!'

- Being asked to leave.

- Saying 'but I haven't voted yet'.

- Being told 'you've been in the booth for 45 minutes you've had plenty of time'.

- Screaming 'you're denying me my democratic right!!!!'

- Being forced to leave.

- Bellowing 'I'm out of order? No you're out of order. THE WHOLE DAMN TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDER!!!'

Friday, March 27, 2015

It had been too long since I'd been zapped with an illogical memory conclusion. You know how it goes. You think everything is fine, hunky-dory even, which is way better than dreamboat-dorey, but still only fine. And then suddenly - Zap - logic forgetfulness and indecision are all obliterated in a second.

Like the zap of an electric shock, but way more exciting because unlike those, these happen suddenly.

'Skis for blue whales - my keys are in my sock draw - Tuesday at 11pm' you'll be zapped with. Or even 'Concrete flavored Palm trees - call Kyle back - there shouldn't be traffic at this time, take the freeway' will totally zap you.

It's brilliant. It's exciting. If it was an exciting new improvement in a product you already enjoyed you'd think the development was brilliant.

But it hadn't happened to me for a while. Too long. Sure 'clover colored lighting - get milk - see the 9pm showing' or 'generational based cloud faces - October 13th - leftovers' would pop up. But two out of three IS bad damn it. Very bad.

Sadly, this story does not have a happy ending. You can't manufacture something that isn't any good unless it's sudden and in zap form. So I'll just wait, and hope, possibly even pray. But I'm fine, very fine, you could even say I'm handsome-dorey.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Not like stupid gut shame. The worst kind. Quiet. Internal. Acidic. Selfish. Why hold it within? What are you trying to hide?

Or even worse than the worst kind, pinky toe shame. The worstest kind. Limpy. Gangrenous. Black naily. Gross. And yet also hidden. Except that everyone can see you limping around like a fool. Oh you kicked the edge of your bed frame did you? Very believable. I mean that by the way. That's often the cause of pinky toe pain. So good lying there. But, BUT, how's your shame going to feel if I find a bandaid with a dead black pinky toenail in it and feel sorry for YOU!

Plus have you even thought about the people who have actually fucked up their pinky toe by kicking a bed frame that have to go around with people thinking 'I wonder if it wasn't a frame but is actually shame?' Yeah! That's right! You're putting doubt in people's minds, and doubt's one of the major causes of unsureness, which can lead to damn ambiguity for gods sake.

So if you're keeping your shame in your pinky toe then shame on you. And where the hell are you going to suppress it to now that your pinky toe was already occupied with your original shame? Which I assume was caused by something small like accidentally nuking a small Carribean nation, but now that you have something big to feel shameful for, where are you going to suppress it?

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

As part of my usual existence being an awesome guy, I occasionally encounter other people that are also awesome. I know! They're out there.

For example I just overheard a guy talking to his friend say 'foaming at the mouth is kinda my thing'.

That's badass. What a cool thing to have be your thing. It's like he's 'guy who gets so overwhelmed with rage that he foams at the mouth'. Awesome.

Keep in mind he isn't 'guy who gets so overwhelmed with rage he gets violent'.

And let's be honest, if you're so overwhelmed with rage that you're often getting violent your thing is never a minor liquid representation of that which occurs moments before you break someone's jaw. That's not how people's 'things' work.

Like for example if a guys thing was 'guy who always flushes before he goes' he probably wouldn't be someone who also regularly removes the lids off toilets, takes them to convenience stores, and uses them to smash apart the slurpy machine hoping the flow will start coming out star shaped.

Or if a girls thing was 'girl who's never been to a beach known for having an occasional issue with towel thieves' she's probably not also a famous Bonnie and Clyde style bank robber where in her case 'Clyde' is horse leg she's had surgically attached as a tail.

Or if a woman's thing was 'lady who loves to climb skyscrapers' she's probably not also a club footed, hunchback, webbed handed, lizard tongued, wheelchair bound, prime minister of a previously undemocratic military oil state, who was voted in after beating several frogs in a 'blending in with the lillypads' competition as judged by six former muscle car enthusiasts who have since taken up extreme fork balancing as their sport of choice, after one them discovered that metal that comes from the ground often has to be mined by someone, often requiring those employed to do such things to work outside major cities downtown central business districts, which is often where it's easiest to find a store that sells spatulas that are shaped like lightbulbs!

No sir and/or madam, if that's your thing, that's your thing, and that's the middle and end of the story.

So what's all you folks things? I'd like mine to one day be 'guy who regularly dominates the horticulture type dedication to wet and/or damp and/or dry solution based strangely rampant sense making' but for now I'm happy to merely remain 'awesome guy'.

Here's what I think I'd be thinking if I was a rock star in the
world's biggest band about to do an only medium sized gig, comparatively to our
other now massive sized gigs, which in all fairness we've only been doing for
the past few years, although which happen to be awesome, and huge, and of
course we deserve it.

I mean there was a
time not that long ago that a playing a concert as big as this would have been
an unthinkable dream. So I don't want it to sound like we are getting arrogant
or have lost the spirit that drove us in the early days. It’s still there,
trust me, we were born in small clubs and bars, and we’re driven by those great
memories.

I know our music has been used in a few commercials now, and I
agree, that's something I would have once thought was something only total sell
outs would do, and yeah, I get it, a family van is hardly the type of product
you'd have seen us promoting when we were still diving head first into drum
riders, and saying that 'if the gig doesn't end with a head wound then we
didn't really play'. But that commercial paid for the recording of our second
EP which is the record that got us booked to play in Germany, which is the gig
where we started to really get some buzz. So without that minivan there may
never have been 'all the paper men' which is obviously a badass song.

I mean they played it at the funeral of that kid who died
tragically when he got hit by lightening while volunteering in Haiti.

I know that suddenly sounded like I'm saying that's a good
thing, I mean playing the song was, that funeral was on the news, it was a big
break for us. But obviously the death was tragic, and for the re-release we did
of it dedicated to that kid we gave all the profits to the charitable
organization he was working with at the time of his death.

Yes only profits, studio time is very expensive, and we didn't
want to half ass it. Or rush it. Recording a great song requires putting the
right spirit and feelings into the song. And we couldn’t have made it as good
as it was if we didn’t have fun doing it.

Of course giving some money to his family would have been a nice
gesture too, but there was already a vast outpouring of support for them, and
they we're very well taken care of. And no I'm not saying that they benefited
from his death in anyway. I'm sure a couple of million dollars in donations
does nothing to dampen the heartache. Look your putting fucking words in my
mouth now 'SpellBiscuit frontman says family profited from their child's
death'. I never fucking said that. Well I did just then, but only to illustrate
point.

No I don't think that you can say anything you want if you’re saying it just to illustrate points 'oh
rape is good', 'Hitler was swell'. 'If you’re not a pedophile then you're not
ok with me'. I'd obviously never ever say stuff like that.

Yes I fucking know; I was just illustrating a point again. I was
illustrating a point about illustrating points.

Wait there could be a song in that idea somewhere.

Oh fuck you all; I get my inspiration where I get my
inspiration. Every artist does. And so yes, that beautiful song that played for
your first dance at your wedding may have been inspired by some band joking
around about fucking rotting corpses, and the song that plays during that puppy
commercial that makes you cry is secretly about the artists desire to pluck
your fucking eyes out with a fork and feed them to children. So why don’t you
suck my fucking balls:

Monday, March 23, 2015

And then the last person on earth said - I wonder how I’ll be
remembered?

It was the most wonderfully ironic thing thing ever uttered.

Up to that point at least.

And a lot had happened up to that point.

All of human existence for one thing.

Although that is hardly one thing.

In fact some would argue that each individual who made up the
existence of humans were themselves an individual thing.

But then some would argue that each individual who made up the
existence of all humans were themselves made up of more than one individual
part.

Like most of them had two legs for example.

Some body parts came in even more than pairs.

Like nose hairs, or leg hairs, or even head hairs, at least on
some individuals.

Also I guess you could count toes in this category.

But each individual toe does have it’s own personality. In fact
I believe most of them even had their own individual pig story.

And pig stories kick ass.

Like check this one out – there once was a pig that was so cool
that people totally liked it, and took photos of it, and sometimes talked about
it even when it wasn’t in the room. Which it hardly ever was, because pigs
mostly live outdoors, except for the occasionally unnecessarily spoiled pet
pig. Which is always a little silly, given that the ways they are spoiled are
normally more commonly associated with spoiling a child, or perhaps a dog or
cat, and if you really wanted to spoil a pig in a way that would make IT the
most happy, then probably just dumping it in a pile of mud would be efficient.

That’s a kick ass pig story.

And the conclusion to it, which kicked ass, was literally only efficient.

So what really is an individual? How can that be deciphered? And
if it can’t then how can anything be fucking deciphered?

Am I real?

Are you real?

Is anything real?

Where is up? Where is down? Aren’t those really just relative?

Aren’t we all fucking related?

And who are the people arguing this shit, I am the last fucking
person on earth for fucks sake?

What smell should I invent next?

About Me

Hi I'm David Tieck, an author/comedian/artist from Sydney, Australia. This is my blog. I use it as an outlet for my peculiar mind. Come on in and feel free to add to the lovely absurdity in anyway that you are so inspired.