Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Feeling Clonely

Guys, listen up. I've found my match. LITERALLY!

So I'm reading the NY Postest with the Mostest yesterday, when I come across an article profiling the CEO of (sit down for this one) Genetic Savings and CLONE. I looked around the train and met eyes with people to laugh and share the joke, then realized I was reading the paper silently, to myself. Eyes on your own paper.

The article goes on: Lou Hawthorne, CEO, is revolutionizing the world for delusional rich people, and giving them the option of cloning a dead (or living) pet. Thus answering the question "What do you give the maniacal pet lover who has everything (except for their recently deceased cat)?"

There is, of course, one small, tiny catch. The website instructs interested clients with the procedure for properly cloning your pet (in case of emergency): If your pet has been deceased for 1 - 2 days, immediately put it in your refrigerator, but do not, I repeat DO NOT, make the age old error of putting your dead cat in the freezer. Freezers just will not work in this case. Once you've safely nestled your cat between yesterday's dinner and some old tuna salad (sniff, Snowball loved tuna!), you are ready to begin the healing process. Seriously, I can see the commercial now: Kid comes into the kitchen with his soccer pals and opens the fridge. "Let's see... Soda, Purple Stuff, our dead cat... Sunny D! Alright!"... and the dead cat winks at the audience.

I'm not dead, asshole!

What really gets me is the site has instructions for what to do if your cat has been dead for THREE to FIVE days. (Once again, beginning at the fridge). First of all, anyone who's had a dead cat lying around for 3 to 5 days does not deserve another living, breathing one, because they are obviously shitfoam at the mouth crazy. Secondly, if the cat has been dead UNBEKNOWNST to the owner for 3 to 5 days, should we give this neglecting careless human another shot? Chances are, the reason it's dead is because the owner wasn't around for 3 to 5 freaking days! Really, Mr. Hawthorne, I expect better.

But how can I chide a man who names his first two cloned kitties Tabouli and Babaganoush after their Alpha Clone, Tahini ? As you readers know, I am obsessed with Israeli salads AND kittens! Really, as I was reading this article, I had this odd feeling in my gut that this is the man I was destined to marry -- and check him out... he's adorable! (Although I do wish those kittens would remain permanently affixed to his shoulders.)

And just think about it people... with this cloning technology, I could live the rest of my life forever swathed in fur! Tired of the brown one? Honey, clone me a calico shawl this instant! I have a ball to attend! (Click for illustrative pic... not me, but you get the idea)

By the way, is it me, or do those kittens seem utterly scared shitless? Look at that tiny kitty paw clinging on for dear life! Pobracita!

Also, Mr. Hawthorne was clearly cloned from Howie Mandel, which I find to be a disgusting and utterly unfunny joke.

Anyway, if you know Lou Hawthorne (or better yet, are him), tell him to take a break from snapping adorable pictures of himself and retrieving dead cats from fridges, and give a call.