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The Top Things I Will Do If I Become A Boss

Years ago I stumbled across the Evil Overlord List – the 100 things to do if ever becoming an evil overlord. High on the list is “Shooting is not too good for my enemies”, but my personal favorite has always been #34, “I will not turn into a snake. It never helps”.

Anyway it’s been percolating in my mind a bit, the WoW equivalent – while many of the items on the Evil Overlord List are applicable, there’s all those things that cross my mind as I’m battling my way through a heroic. So without further ado, here they are.

1. My hundreds of minions will not be spread out in easily-defeated, maximally spaced groups. They will be in two large packs: one near the front door, one right in front of my own chambers.

2. My citadel will have a butler who answers the door whenever someone comes to visit. If he does not report back in two minutes, the front hall room will seal itself and fill with lava.

3. My minions will be carefully trained to ignore growling bears, taunting paladins, and mocking warriors; instead they will focus on priests, mages, and other squishy people.

4. No matter how awesome it sounds, I will never shout out my attack name as I use it

5. Any “friends” and “allies” in my stronghold will be monitored closely. Should a party of adventures begin to attack them, the room will seal. And fill with lava.

6. Any graveyard within 100 miles of my stronghold will be dug up, the bodies burned, and turned into quaint condominiums at affordable prices. This should discourage adventures; those lazy jerks hate long corpse runs.

7. I will not carry any item that I am not actively using. Defense plate when I’m clearly an arcane mage? Caster offhands when I carry a two handed sword and smite people with it? No point in encouraging attackers with the promise of phat lootz.

8. My strongest protection will be my castle environs, not my minions. Walls of killer fog, dangerous globs of moving goo, and cunningly arrayed vertical layouts will feature heavily into the details. To say nothing of the lava.

9. I will not exchange my life, body, soul or free will for power. In the long run, it’s a bad investment.

10. I will not agree to become a minion for another boss. Although it’s nice not to have to do everything yourself, they tend to regard you as disposable.

11. My epic speech to adventurers who dare to challenge me will not include any of the following phrases: “It was only a setback!”, “You dare challenge me?”, “Puny mortals!”, “You are not worthy!”, or “Fools!”

12. Likewise, my epic speech will actually be along the lines of, “Welcome to my castle! As I begin pontificating, let me point out that you are on a very narrow bridge over lava!” and then push the button that drops them into the lava.

13. Finally, I will invest in a hat with a glowing yellow exclamation point over it, a box of cast-off clothes from Goodwill, and a list of dull tasks that the adventurers can perform for me. If I offer an old shoe and 97 copper, I can probably get them to attack my enemies instead of me.

Also I will go through all my abilities and note which ones could be used to cancel out which other ones. I will never use poisons that counter my own attacks or cast effects that can be used against me.

If I were a boss, I wouldn’t wait until I’m almost dead to get really, really angry about the mob of people invading my home or office to come kill me. I’d be pretty enraged from the second that arrow started pointing at my head.