The Top Five Awful Millennium Falcon Cakes

byGreat White Snark| updated onAugust 11, 2015

What do these Millennium Falcon Star Wars cakes have in common with good intentions? They’re really sweet, appreciated incrementally more when they’re from your Mom, and not worth a damn when you thought you were actually going to get something cool for your birthday.

Before you put on your misguided “Hey, take it easy on these poor, defenseless, charmingly-misshapen cakes!” hat, remind yourself what a spectacular Millennium Falcon cake looks like. Seriously. Go.

My smugness and I will be waiting right here when you get back.

5)

In spite of this minimalist Millennium Falcon sporting a toilet seat in place of a radar dish, it does feature a few upgrades.

Those training wheels don’t come standard, after all.

4)

Ah, yes, the pivotal scene from Star Wars: Episode IV in which Princess Leia streaked the landing pad, Chewbacca guarded a napping Stormtrooper on the Falcon’s hull, and Obi-Wan Kenobi Force-gagged an Imperial Commander into puking his guts out all over the tarmac.

And then they all ate chocolate-covered raisins off of the forward turbine exhausts. Such is the way of the Force.

3)

No one can argue this Falcon isn’t spacious. The Rancor beast could make a two-bedroom nest in that cockpit.

2)

This Falcon escaped unscathed from the giant space serpent lurking in the asteroid field in The Empire Strikes Back, only to suffer the devastating effects of colossal camel droppings on Naboo.

1)

Little known fact: The Millennium Falcon was originally carved from cinder block, making its record-setting jaunt through the 18-parsec Kessel Run all the more impressive.

Seriously, do the “ContentLink” ads make you any money at all? The laughably out-of-context attempts it’s making on phrases like “Empire Strikes Back” are so bad as to make these cakes look pretty good.