Basic Life Skills for 3 & 4 Year Olds to Know

When Henry started preschool, I started thinking about life skills for kids to know and wondering if Henry can do what he should be doing at this time.

As a parent, I often wonder if Henry’s on the right track. If he’s doing everything he should be doing. Or if he’s lacking in an area. When he was younger, I’d track all the developmental charts to make sure he’s on track. But somewhere along the way… I’ve gotten to not looking at those charts anymore.

What should he be doing?

I asked Deborah J. Stewart, M.Ed, early childhood educator and author of the blog Teach Preschool, about what life skills young kids should be doing. To start, I asked what she hopes to see three year olds doing when they enter into preschool.

Helping their child learn how to put on or take off their own coat or jacket.

Helping their child learn to stuff their mittens in a pocket or hat when they take it off rather than just dropping them on the floor.

Helping their child know how to pull up or down their own pants. (I always help but we want preschoolers to be self-sufficient as soon as possible.)

Basically, Deborah says that, “Any task a child can learn to do on his or her own that relates to taking care of his or her own body or getting dressed or putting things away in the backpack will help the child be more independent and confident in preschool.”

By then end of the school year, Deborah says four year olds should be able to do the following basic life skills:

Set their own table space for snack and throw away their own trash after snack

Ultimately, by the time they enter our four year old program, I want the threes to be past the stage of total dependence and able to do most personal care process and organizational processes on their own. When we get into the four’s/Pre-K program, we want to focus on more advanced skills and not still be spending lots of time trying to find mittens or zipping up backpacks!

I’ve learned to start allowing time for Henry to do things on his own. Allowing another 5-10 minutes to get out the door each morning, so Henry can put on his own shoes.

At night before bedtime, I’ve started letting Henry dress himself in his pajamas (or ‘pee-gay-gays’ as Henry calls them) because these are loose fitting clothes that are easy practice for him. He recently started doing this entirely on his own and is very proud of himself. He’s now starting to tackle getting dressed in the morning.

Knowing what to expect is one thing, but relaying those expectations to your child provides another challenge. Deborah told me how she teaches the kids in her preschool (can be applied at home too!) about her expectations:

Make your expectations clear.

I think the first place you start is making sure your expectations, both at home and in the classroom, are clear. This requires breaking things down for the children step by step and teaching them what it is you are expecting them to understand. My belief is if you haven’t taught the child the process then a rule can’t be understood or followed.

For very young children (twos and threes), I start with teaching expectations first and foremost. We practice the skills that I need them to understand. For example, we practice how to wash our hands so that they get all the germs to go away but then we go on to teach how to use one pump of the soap bottle, how to use one paper towel for drying, how to throw the paper towel in the trash, and how to turn the water on and off. This is a process that needs taught.

Henry has always been quite a loud child. When he’s playing with friends, he always has the loudest motor, and at the library or in stores, I am constantly telling him to use his inside voice. Teaching him to use this ‘inside voice’ has been difficult for me and hard for him to understand. I am mostly okay with Henry being loud, I love his enthusiasm and excitement, but there are times when we’re expected to be quiet.

At this age, this seems to still be a common occurance and Deborah explains why:

Young children are still ‘all about me’ when it comes to their development, so they are not aware of how they are affecting others around them. This is a skill that needs to be taught rather than told.

Model life skills to the kids.

A common suggestion, and one that Deborah suggested as well, is to model to your child what you expect of them. Modeling the behavior that you expect just before you expect it makes it stick in their mind. Deborah says, “The child will probably think this is funny but it will help him remember what you expect and practice the skill of using a quiet voice.”

I am particularly excited about learning this next approach from Deborah. This approach not only teaches what you expect from the child, but it puts in a learning twist as well.

If your child is using a loud voice to talk to you at home or in the store, stop and softly say something like,

“Are you talking to me?”

“I thought you must be talking to that lady way over there because she can hear you better than me.”

In other words, teach your child to judge the need for using a loud voice to talk to someone far away versus a casual or normal voice when standing right next to you. But above all – be aware that you model appropriate talking tones and levels. If you are shouting,

“Don’t talk so loud!”

Then you are not teaching.

Another approach Deborah takes is to show how the childrens’ actions are affecting others. Deborah says to try things like, “Your loud voice is hurting my ears!” or “I can’t understand what you say when you talk so loud so let’s try it again and use a normal voice.”

And one thing Deborah would tell parents of all preschool children is:

“… to look at EVERYTHING as an opportunity to teach and to learn.

Preschool age children are discovering their world as well as the boundaries in their world. They need both the space to try and fail and the support to try and succeed.

Look at every new task or interest a child explores or tries as small opportunities to teach them and then where possible, give them the tools they need to be independently successful in the process.

Understand that independence doesn’t mean letting a child run around wildly wrecking up the living room. What it means is giving children the time, space, and opportunity to explore the environment or a new idea and then guiding that child towards the understanding, skills, and discipline he needs to be successful in both the home and classroom environment.”

My latest motto is to treat my parenting approach as a teacher would their teaching approach. I find that all teachers are so calm and collected (yes, because its expected of them) but the children respond to this so well. Can I manage this as a parent?

What basic life skills would you add?

The ENGAGE eBook of 5 weekly plans of activities is perfect for the preschooler age. Fun ways to get the kids moving, work on fine motor, do arts and craft projects and have fun as a family! Each weekly plan includes a handy supply list and activities broken down to know exactly what to do in a simple sentence or two.

48 Comments

This is such a good read. I’m a Montessori teacher and soon-to-be-mom and I was thinking along the same lines–my parenting approach pretty much the same as my teaching approach. But I keep thinking that I get the children in my classes for at least 3 hours a day–I wonder how I’d fare if I have to do this 24/7 with my baby. Here’s to hoping we can manage. :)

don’t worry! If you’re a conscious parent, you’ll be fine. I teach elementary and now have a baby of my own. I find that I treat him the way I do my students. You really can;t change who you are, and if you’re a fantastic teacher, then you’ll be a fantastic mother too. esp when teaching is something you cannot fake. It has to come from the heart :)

As an elementary school teacher, I was shocked but not surprised to see some of my kids didnt know how to do basic things, like putting their stuff away or cleaning after themselves. This is due to parents coddling and not allowing them to do it for themselves (‘he’s too little/she’s too small for that/oh that seem’s hard’ etc). I believe in letting the children try, even if it seems difficult. Basic stuff like arranging their stuff, putting them away, being respectful to others is something they can all learn and start doing. The look in their faces when they realise they can do something is always something I love to see!

It’s not always coddling, although that is certainly one cause – one giant challenge I see in my own home is that my husband prefers things cleaned up or put away a certain way – and my almost-3 year old simply cannot always remember the complicated system or do it quickly enough, so he gets removed from the opportunity and cleaning happens magically after he’s in bed. Then, when he’s away from home and the toys or bins are different – even the system he thought he sort-of knew fails to make sense, too. We parents need to be patient, provide many different ways to show what constitutes success in tasks, and allow for mistakes and corrections. Likewise, we need to check out what happens in the classroom or elsewhere and try to draw connections, not boundaries. Patience and flexibility are so useful in cultivating problem-solving.

I fully agree. I had to teach my daughter to be independent from a very early age, mainly out of necessity, because I am disabled. She started walking at 9 months, and I hardly carried her around after that. (Kind of wish I could have..) but it made me realize that she could do anything, if given the opportunity. By the time she was speaking, she spoke with good manners..She was dressing herself, and putting dirty clothes in hamper. It may seem strict to some that I have her set places at the table, and clear her plate when she’s finished…but these are all skills that need to be taught early, otherwise it’s hell to pay to try to backtrack and “fix” things you didn’t teach them. She just turned five, yet I hardly ever remember having to seriously discipline her, because she knew her limits and my expectations. She testing the limits a bit now, but I’m glad to only have ONE area to work on, rather than a rowdy, disrespectful child, starting from step one.

My 3.5 yr old CAN do all of these things. Getting him to DO them is another story. He has slowly been refusing to do more and more stuff. Pull up his pants after he uses the bathroom? He could do it 2 months ago and now refuses to do it. He will just walk around without his pants on. I’ve tried every way I know to encourage him to do it, but he just says “my hands don’t work, mommy, you need to help me.” I realize all this is his way of getting more attention now that his little brother is 9 months and requires more supervision, but I can’t seem to figure out how to demotivate him while still being understanding and supportive of his need for attention.

Teach him to help with his brother. I am 75 years old, three years older than my brother. I remember going to the frig and getting a bottle of formula and heating on the stove, testing the tempeture on my arm and bringing it to the bedroom to feed my brother. It was a morning ritual, my twin sister and I were rewarded with an apple which mother would slice and feed us.

My son who is 3.5 year old is the same way. I’ve been trying sticker awards for potty by self, and am sometimes successful. He’ll put on his pants, wash his hands, then choose a sticker. Unintentionally, I only had abc stickers, but it worked out well because he reads the letter and color to me that he chooses.

Great article thanks! Just wanted to let you know that my son was always a LOUD talker as well. We had his ears checked and it turned out he had a ton of fluid in his ears causing a 60% hearing loss. We got tubes placed in and we have seen an AMAZING difference. Just thought that may be helpful.

I believe if you work with your kids they learn early on. My child and the nieces of mine were all potty trained way before two years of age. The three year old is writing and doing math as the two year old knows her numbers and letters. The iPad is a great learning tool. Kids love to learn.

I am a grandparent, and I would say learning to say thank you,no thank you, yes please, excuse me, and to see children stay in their places while in a restaurant, or staying under control in the marketplace. Good reading. Thank you.

Great advice as a grandparent you have the time to look back and consider what the best thing you gave your children it was your time. Time to show them again and again the life skills they need . It’s good training for parents too be organised get up in time and it is precious time !