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Vanilla Freak

Unfortunately for me, we live in a chocolate biased world. From an early age, I can remember family stuffing my face with chocolate cake, candy, shakes, ice-cream and any other chocolate goody that I could possibly imagine. For me though, it never hit the spot. Yes, my taste buds appreciated the sweet flavor of chocolate and the sugars that seem to possess the rest of the chocolate loving majority, but if chocolate were to become extinct and no more, well so what? Life goes on…

Vanilla, on the other hand, just makes me wanna sing that Shaggy song… “She call me Mr. Boombastic say me fantastic, touch me in me back she say I’m Mr. Ro…mantic…” You see, chocolate lovers out there talk about how they love chocolate and eat it with everything and would marry it if they could and yatty yatty yatta. For those people, I hand them an electronic slap (with a vanilla aroma scented glove) and challenge them to a duel. Chocolate is good, but not great. Chocolate prides itself in quantity, not quality. If this were a popularity contest, of course chocolate would win, but check the ballots and you will see the judges fingerprints smeared with chocolate.

Chocolate lovers don’t go to Baskin-Robbins and choose pure chocolate. They stab it in the back and go for rocky road or some other fruity flavor. Or they try to cover chocolate’s flaws with sprinkles and other toppings. Lame. I’m a loyal vanilla lover. Vanilla all the way. To be frank, all the other flavors fall short of the divine and magical sensation that vanilla provides for my taste buds. If I could, I’d have the server place the vanilla ice cream scoops on my bare hand but the intensity of my Latino heat would melt it all away before I get to my second lick.

Fellas, when have you seen a girl wear chocolate perfume or get turned on by chocolate candles? All it’s gonna do is get her hungry and take the attention away from you. If she doesn’t eat the candle, then she’ll figure out a way to get chocolate in her hands somehow. I’ve seen desperate women and their freaky chocolate cravings. Not cool. Then they blame their acne on the chocolate they ate. So much for chocolate being your friend! You’ll never hear anybody say, “Oh no, I shouldn’t have eaten vanilla now I got pimples all over my face!” Vanilla perfume and candles, on the other hand, facilitate a smooth transition in the romantic scene–pimple free.

The fact that vanilla is native to Mexico is a coincidence. I’m all for things that are brown like…well I don’t know…CHOCOLATE! But this is one where brown comes in second. Despite the abundance of chocolate lovers out there in the world, it’s OK, I’m used to being the minority in all senses of the word. To my vanilla aficionados out there, there is hope. Even though I like to polarize issues with very juicy debates, this happens to be one I’m really passionate about. So I dare any you chocolate lovers out there to comment on why you’re foolish enough to believe chocolate is better than vanilla. Go ahead, I’m waiting…