What everyone should know about the Star Wars teaser

Three things your better off not giving a shit about in a galaxy far, far away

So there was a new Star Wars Teaser released last week. I’ll wait while you google it and go watch.

This will only make sense if you watch the teaser

I have always been a huge fan of the franchise.

I am such a fan that I know what REALLY happened to Boba Fett after he fell into Sarlacc at the great Pit of Carkoon.

I know what Zuckuss and 4-LOM’s intentions were when they were looking for Han Solo in Empire.

I know who Prince Xizor and Dash Rendar are.

I know a fuckload of Star Wars lore.

Then this happened.

Yes, that’s a black man.

In a world where people get advanced mechanical limbs, can use the force, interact with all sorts of aliens, and travel in space, idiots on the internet decided to defy logic and say horribly racist things about a black storm trooper.

The Clones

We’re all aware of the clone wars, right? It was talked about, then it was played from 1977 all the way to now. You better be aware.

If you’re not, here is a refresher: clones of Boba Fett’s dad were under the employ of the Sith (Senator Palpatine was, in fact, the Sith Lord) and the Jedi didn’t know it.

“Execute Order 66,” said Palpatine.

The Jedi got killed, for the most part. Yoda survived, obvi. Obi-Wan, too.

Anakin and Palpatine also killed Jules from Pulp Fiction at some point.

But the clones became the basis for the Storm Troopers.

Now, over the course of building an empire, some things are bound to happen. You might kill people for treason, and you might also recruit NEW people for your Imperial Army.

Because no empire EVER wants to grow

So any reasonable person can deduce that there might be a mixture of clones and non clones in the Imperial Army.

One final note (of many possible regarding the clones), the dude who played Jango is from New Zealand.

The other Brothers

A lightsabre. For when you got to kill every mother fucking sith in the room.

Long before he was Harvey Dent, Lando was hocking shitty malt liquor.

Not really much more to say other than that it stands to reason there would also be black storm troopers. But we haven’t seen much of the Galaxy, so who can say?

The Droid

This one bothers me too. People complained that the droid was stupid, and an R2 knock off. Completely unfounded.

I would like to point out that every move after Episode IV introduced new droids. Imperial Probe Droids, anyone?

Or this (BT-16):

Who the hell ever knew what that was? Then there were those other droids in Jabba’s palace in some section devoted specifically to droid torture. Or droid S&M.

Then there was also R5-D4. The red R2 unit that blew up when uncle Owen went to the used droid lot.

Then there were the droid armies in the prequel trilogy.You get the point. Fuck loads of new droids in every subsequent movie. (Let us not forget the General as well).

The Lightsabre

Holy shit there were a lot of opinions on this one. Most of the outspoken internet opinions were negative. One guy took it upon himself to defend the design:

Not to mention that in the Expanded Universe, Jedi Roblio Darte had a crossguard on his lightsabre.

We also have record in the EU of material resistant to the lightsabre beams. Not a lot. But such materials do exist. And if the hilt of this particular lightsabre is constructed of such material, the wielder should be ok.

Other safety matters

Let us also remember that lightsabre wielders also throw their blades, and use the force to retrieve them while in the midst of heavy handed combat. It’s safe to say that a force user wielding a lightsabre probably knows how to fight with whatever weapon they yield. If you choose to use a lightsabre, and others judge it “superfluous,” or “unwieldy,” just remember they aren’t the ones fighting with it.

Moreover, the fighting style can determine the blade someone chooses to use. We note that Yoda didn’t use a lightsabre with the same sized hilt as Luke did.

And if we take a look at the list of feats in the d20 gaming universe–Star Wars RPG and Dungeons and Dragons 3/3.5–we find that you can choose an array of skills and feats to customize how well your character fights, and with what weapons they choose to fight.

So, if we look at a Darth Maul character, we can break down the utility of his feats and skills in concordance with his double bladed lightsabre.

Off the top of my head, based on looking at his over all style, Darth Maul likely had weapon finesse, as well as a high dexterity score. Not only that, he would have to take the appropriate weapon proficiency to wield a lightsabre, as well as two weapon fighting to wield the double lightsabre (this is all off the top of my head, having not looked at a source book for Star Wars RPG in about 12 years). For good measure, let’s throw in combat reflexes and the martial arts feats in there as well for good measure. And thus, you have a well equipped sith who can wield a double bladed lightsabre.

In sum, a weapon is useless without a wielder. And we don’t know what or who the wielder of the weapon is or does. Time will tell.

So, until an actual trailer comes out, or better, until December 2015 rolls along, just enjoy the fact that we have Episode VII coming out at all.

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About Peter Baker

In addition to being a fan of music and heavy metal, I am an avid player of table top RPGs, and I am a personal trainer in Tampa, FL as well as a graduate of the prestigious University of South Florida.
Formerly, I was a prefect for House Slytherin.