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Behold! The Miss Universe 2013 National Costume Show!

Somehow I have not been aware, until now, about this particular part of the “Miss Universe” pageant. The INSANE costume exhibition/fashion show/cultural miasma that leads up to the actual pageant involves “tradition-inspired” costumes from each contestant. AND THEY ARE RIDICULOUS-MAZING!

Miss Took ALL the White Feathers (She’s not even sorry.) – Brenda González (Argentina)

Miss Will Totally Sexy Murder You – Noémie Happart (Belgium)

Miss Pre-Makeover Hunger Games Contestant – Tsaone Macheng (Botswana)

Miss Dr. Seuss – Eline de Pool (Curacao)

Miss Please Associate Us with Anything Other Than Jonestown – Katherina Roshana (Guyana)

Miss Citizen of the Matrix – Carey Ng (Malaysia)

Miss Sexy Latin VooDoo – Cynthia Duque (Mexico)

Miss Cityscape Peacock – Stephanie Tency (Netherlands)

Miss Peacock Serial Killer – Nastassja Bolívar (Nicaragua)

Miss These Used to Be Baskets! – Stephanie Okwu (Nigeria)

Miss This Is How I Envision Everyone in Russia (except the peasants and the prostitutes) – Elmira Abdrazakova (Russia)

Miss Grape Cape – Shi Lim (Singapore)

Miss Gets Caught on Everything – Patricia Rodríguez (Spain)

Miss Mixing Metals – Alexandra Friberg (Sweden)

Miss Vegas Showgirl – Catherine Miller (Trinidad & Tobago)

Miss Hot Mess Cowgirl – María Gabriela Isler (Venezuela)

Miss Hyper-Patriotic Automaton – Erin Brady (U-S-A!)

These aren’t even all of them, y’all! This is a small, delightful smattering of the outrageous things some (beautiful) women are willing to wear in public in order to garner the title “Miss Universe.” The only presentation of outfits equal in sequins and madness that I have seen IRL were at the 2012 Tyler Rose Festival. My extremely well-qualified cousin was in charge of the theme (Indochine), and helped the girls select their “country of origin,” gown designs, and organized the entire coronation ceremony! We attended, obvs, and got pictures/objectified the participants at the “Queen’s Tea” the following morning.

Bengal Tiger! Grr!

Foo Dog (Funny name, serious headdress.)

Thousand Hands! They were attached to her arms, so they were functional!

New Year’s Dragon! AMAZING!!!!

Panda! (Hahaha.)

Cherry Blossom!

The back is gorgeous.

THE PHOENIX!!!

My personal favorite, and clearly the coolest chick there.

THE BACK IS SO GREAT! It’s like if David Bowie and Dr. Seuss gave birth to a Volcano goddess, and then she designed a dress!

If you make it to the Tyler Rose Festival one day, try to visit their Rose Fest Museum, where you can see official photographs of past Queens, vintage dresses, and some of the fabulous gowns up close!

I’m not going to lie. I think these are fabulous.

I’m pretty sure they used all the fabric 1954 had to offer.

All of this is to say, I can absolutely appreciate the gorgeous craftsmanship that has gone into making these wardrobian-creations, but the fact that they are: outrageously expensive, silly, impractical, and you rarely see dudes strutting about in these fashion face-off type situations.

See? He ripped that shirt right off! If they caught fire, 95% of the above women would either die, or be melted into that outfit FOREVER.

The Miss Universe Pageant 2013 will be held THIS SATURDAY in Moscow! (So, if you’re a masochist with a penchant for the dramatic, tune in!) Snotty judgement aside, regardless of the reason anyone wears a fancy costume, I say go for it! Especially since it gives the rest of us something to stare at while wearing our snuggly, soft pajim-jams.

Have you participated in a pageant?? Do you wear non-Halloween costumes on any regular basis? Which is your favorite (Miss Universe AND Tyler Rose Fest) and why?