Brian Wilson, San Francisco Giants closer and medium through which people can communicate with The Machine, went on George Lopez's television show the other night. He was dressed like a boat captain. Likes: Old Spice and Red Lobster. Dislikes: Water.

At one point, Lopez says, "Speaking of seamen, you went in the off-season to Thailand." To which Brian Wilson responds, "Sure did. Heh heh. Well, I did do some activities that I'm proud of. I did what any normal, 28-year-old single male would do in a foreign country. I had a lot of massages. No, let's not get out of ourselves, my man. They were strictly sexual. I don't think that's what I meant to say. They were consentual."