American Horror Story: Coven Finale Recap — Cordelia is the Next Supreme!

Tonight on American Horror Story: Coven, the young witches are finally asked to do more than make boy body part collages and skulk around cemeteries. This week, their skill is put to the test by performing the Seven Wonders. The first wonder is pretty simple — telekinesis. The girls have to make a candlestick come to them from across a table, which is so yawn-inducing that they can't even believe their parents are paying money for this crap. The second one proves virtually no more difficult: the group of little witches have to use mind control to make the others hit themselves and do a whole lot of junk to Kyle that he'd probably prefer they didn't. For the third act, they send themselves to hell, which —spoiler alert! — isn't actually a horrible place, just kind of one they're bummed about hanging out in for any length of time. For Queenie, it's her former fried chicken shack; for Zoe, it's a world where her franken-man doesn’t love her; for Madison, it's The Sound of Music on NBC in which she doesn't get to be Carrie Underwood. For poor, poor, Misty, it's being back in school, forced to dissect a frog she's just reanimated over and over again as the kids call her freak — a cruel, but perhaps apt name for the only 30-year-old in a class of fourth graders. While the other girls find the ability to pull themselves out of their tunnels of torment in record time, Misty is still trapped in science class when the hourglass runs out, and, as such, is reduced to dust. Moving on quickly, as these little sociopaths are wont to do, the girls practice transmutation through a delightful game of tag. Who knew that rearranging your molecules could be so cute? However, the game quickly turns into bloodsport when Zoe impales herself on a spike. Cordelia and Myrtle beg her to bring Zoe back, but, like the hateful little monster she is, Madison refuses.

Following Zoe's death, Myrtle reveals to Cordelia that the newly re-blinded girl may be the next supreme, so Cordelia takes over where Zoe left off. The next challenge is to locate items based on coordinates determined by rocks, a fun and impossible parlor game that, as it turns out, Madison is no good at. Pissed off at her failure, Madison starts to pack her things, when she encounters Kyle, and he is pissed. Without Zoe by his side, but with his frankenstrength still intact, he strangles Madison on the bed.

Back in the greenhouse, Cordelia resurrects Zoe, gets the vapors, and quickly passes out. It's been a rough day, y'all. Upstairs, Spalding is once again creeping on Madison's corpse — old habits die hard, we guess. Down in the greenhouse, Cordelia wakes to find her eyeballs restored to their former, blood-free glory, once again proving the myriad benefits of the disco nap. Immediately after, Cordelia hosts a press conference? Infomercial? Bascially, she asks for chicks to come and occupy her empty rooms. However, supremacy comes with a heavy price — for murdering the other members of the council, Myrtle forces Delia to burn her at the stake.

Back at the house, it's mayhem — every goth girl for thousands of miles has come to stand outside in their Hot Topic. After Cordelia announces that Zoe and Queenie will be the new council members, she goes downstairs to observe the potential students when she hears a familiar voice — it's Fiona, and she's as awful as ever. In a cruel trick, she's forced the Axe Man to help her fake her death so that she can find her successor and kill her. The dying Fiona and Cordelia have a quick, trite, heart to heart, during which the old witch begs for her daughter to end her misery. Cordelia refuses her mother's request, In the morning, Fiona awakes to find herself in a cozy cottage with the Axe Man. For many, cohabitation is the natural next step in a relationship, but not for Fiona, who quickly realizes that she's in hell. Papa Legba, being the terrifying monster he is, appears in her kitchen and laughs and laughs and laughs. At Miss Robichaux's, with Fiona finally gone, Cordelia has taken on her rightful role as Supreme. She's got a new class of girls, a brand new witching dress, and her eyeballs back — the world is her oyster.