What I write after Joe and Henry go to bed

"She’s the other half of my zipper."

ST. PETE – Today I had lunch with one of my oldest friends in Florida.

It was at a Thai restaurant called The King & I, and we were talking about relationships – his not mine – and I could tell by his blushing and squirming that the chick he’s dating is turning his insides to goo.

If he hadn’t squirmed and hadn’t blushed, I’d be writing about his smile. His smile was a billboard that flashed: DUDE IN LIKE, as it was one of those punch-drunk smiles that you cannot, no matter how much you think you’re in control of your facial contortions, pinch shut.

Basically, the man is smitten and getting smitten-er by the day.

Before I tell you what he told me today, which I’m pretty sure you garnered from the title of this post, I’ve gotta give you context. I’ve gotta paint a picture of this kid so you can squint him into focus in your brain.

I won’t tell you his name for fear that She, whom he is falling for, might read this. We’re not Facebook friends or Twitter friends, but who knows? We might one day be, and just you watch this relationship go in the shitter.

Ey! I pray it doesn’t. At heart, I’m a romantic. By trade, a cynic. It’s just that in the event that She screws Him over, or He screws Her over, I don’t want to air His vulnerabilities on the Internet.

This friend of mine. He’s analytical. Nerdy in the best way. Wears T-shirts with ironic expressions and dinosaurs decals. He’s a whore for gadgetry and all technological advances. And despite his CNET membership and frequent use of the word, “app,” he’s devoutly religious. I think the only friend I have who goes to church every week.

For four years he has insisted on paying for our lunches and dinners, which usually run several hours long and have functioned, for me, as food-talk-therapy sessions.

Anyway. So he’s dating someone new. A girl I’ve never met, but whose name I’ve invented a song for. (Well, not invented, per-se since the song I sing is a real song with a refrain that sounds like this chick’s name, but more like a song I adapted in the spirit of her name.)

As grease dripped down my chin from the tubular spring roll I was eating, this glowy friend of mine explained in the most rudimentary terms, how this girl is just about perfect for him.

“It’s like my zipper theory,” he said. “You know how a zipper has two parts that are a little different, but kind of alike? We’re like that. She’s just different enough.”

“You’re so head over heels it’s killing you,” I said.

He blushed. Smiled like clothespins were pinching his cheeks and nodded begrudgingly in agreement. My supremely picky, painfully rational friend had found himself a lass.

As I began pounding the table in approval, he began pointing out that there was, of course, one problem.

The Perfect Fit had been really busy lately. So busy, that last month they went one whole week without speaking or seeing each other. So my friend, the self-preservator, decided to end the relationship. Nip it in the bud, as they say.

“She wasn’t making time for me, so I figured maybe she didn’t like me. But when I broke up with her or whatever, I could tell that night, by her face that maybe she liked me.”

So he decided to call her a few days later to see if she wanted to meet for dinner. And without officially reconciling, they began dating again.

As he told me this story, blushing and eating spring rolls, insisting he wasn’t going to invest himself in the situation because he wasn’t sure how the gal felt about him, I couldn’t help but pound the table again.

Comments

Stories like this are beautiful, so long as they don’t end like the first (or second) part of Notting Hill. My wife and I had our “We better stop talking” conversation because of some difficulties we couldn’t see our way past. I’m glad I never gave up on her, and that she never gave up on me. I like that zipper line, it’s almost Jerry Maguire-esque, yet perhaps better. Best of luck to your friend. I’m a definite romantic at heart. My favorite thing in the world is to find that perfect gift that completely floors my wife, and more often than not it costs next to nothing to do it.

I’m glad she wanted to marry a dork. We talk about that a lot lately. 🙂

Love it! Sitting here still all warm and fuzzy inside smiling. Nothing like enjoying the beautiful sight of another falling in love. Also glad he called her again, because even perfectly fitted zippers sometimes seperate and all one needs to do is restart them and you are good to go! He’s a cutie.

Oddities

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Joe.

Henry.

Chip.

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Why Lance?

This blog is named after my old friend Sarah's manifestation of a dreamy Wyoming cowboy named Lance, because the word blog sounds like something that comes out of a person's nose.

About me

I'm a journalist who spends my Mondays through Fridays writing other people's stories, a chronic procrastinator who needs structure. I once quit my job to write a book and like most writers, I made up excuses why I couldn't keep at it.

My boyfriendfiancé husband Joe likes to sleep in late on the weekends, but since we have a kid now that happens less than he'd like.

Before Henry and Chip, I used to spend my mornings browsing celebrity tabloid websites while our dog snored under the covers. Now I hide my computer in spots my feral children can't reach because everything I own is now broken, stained or peed on.

I created Lance in an attempt to better spend my free time. I thought it might jump start a second attempt at writing a novel.

It hasn't. And my free time is gone.

But I'm still here writing.

I'm 262728293031 323334 35 and I've yet to get caught up in something else, which is kind of a big deal for a chronic procrastinator.