Teenager Spikes Parents’ Milkshakes for Unfettered Internet Access

Seriously, I’ve been saying it for years and it seems like every single time I turn around, there’s another 13-to-19-year-old asswipe doing something terrible to prove me correct.

Today’s example comes to us courtesy of a horrible child from California and her equally-awful friend.

Apparently the aforementioned horrible child’s parents were “too-strict” about the internet usage in the house and wouldn’t allow her to use it after 10pm.

Given that she—like all teenagers—is a self-serving goblin with no interest in anything but her own personal desires, she decided to do something to thwart her parents’ Totalitarian reign over the internet.

You know…the internet that they pay for and bring into the home, the same home where their daughter gets to live rent free. Clearly these monsters needed to pay for their oppressive actions. Luckily, the girl’s friend had an ingenious plan to get around the rules.

“The parents told police that on December 28, their daughter returned home with a seemingly nice gesture; a chocolate milkshake for her dad and a vanilla one for her mum.”

“”The milkshakes were really funny tasting and had a really gritty texture,” said Lieutenant Lon Milka of the Rocklin Police Department.”

“The pair took a few sips and fell into unconsciousness about an hour later. Waking around 1am, they report experiencing hangover-like symptoms of grogginess and headaches.”

“A few days later, still feeling affected, the couple bought a drug check kit from the local police department – intended for teenagers – and tested themselves. They believe the test indicated some drug residue and began to suspect their daughter of sedating them in order to beat her 10pm internet access curfew.”

What the shit?!

This gal was so pissy about not getting to stay up late to update her Tumblr with more Ryan Gosling GIFs or unironically type LOL on every photo of her retro-filtered duckface on Instagram that she thought it was a good idea to slip her parents a mickey.

LOL DUCKFACE LOL

Who the hell does that?! Seriously?!

In what world is “drug mom and dad” the first option? How’s about trying to work out a compromise where you wash some dishes or vacuum or something like that?! Why go right to slipping people mystery prescription drugs?!

Honestly, I don’t even want to fathom what this cuckoo bird is going to do when she gets her license and mom and dad won’t let her take the Toyota Yaris out for the evening.

I mean, real talk, y’all…there’s no way she doesn’t straight-up kill her parents and bury them both in the desert, right?! That’s gotta be the next eventual step.