What, were you expecting a very special episode of “Jersey Shore” in which Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi learns An Important Lesson about the perils of ardent spirits and the dangers of mounting a bicycle in miniskirt and fuzzy slippers? Snooki is sprung from jail and oh-so-briefly contemplates temperance, but within days has decided that if a glass of pinot is okay for pregnant women, it's okay for her.

Meanwhile, Jenni "JWoww" Farley finally breaks up with longtime boyfriend Tom Lippolis, but it isn't until "Jersey Shore After Dark" that she reveals why: She claims he's a possessive, abusive control freak who, just before she left to film this season of "Jersey Shore" threw her down the stairs because he found clothes in her luggage that weren't "acceptable." Did he find a boat-neck T-shirt? A dress made of an opaque material? Because unacceptable is pretty much JWoww's dress code.

Snooki is released from jail, and she calls her dad: "I couldn't even tell you how I felt in that jail cell. It was like a (bleeping) phenomenon ... I'm not a phenomenon. I'm a train wreck." When her father rails at her some more, she says petulantly, "It's not like I killed someone." This time! Her dad gives her a good talking-to, using the classic "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed" line and seems to straighten her out for, like, the next 30 hours or so. (Question: JWoww was apparently so shaken by Snooki's arrest that ... she managed to get a "Free Snooki" tank top printed up in the hours between the arrest and her release?)

Snooki has an impromptu therapy session with Dr. JWoww on the roof, and the good doctor feels that Snooki is depressed and turning to alcohol because she needs luuuuv. Snooki agrees. "It's kind of like a disease to Snook for love." [Yes, the scientific term is chlamydia.] It's worse than a staph infection. It just keeps eating at you and eating at you and then when you don't find a guy, you just get more miserable and more depressed."

Meanwhile, JWoww calls her boyfriend, with whom it seems she has to check in with daily, and he's angry at her for not speaking to him yesterday and doesn't care about Snooki's arrest. He calls back and she repeatedly hangs up on him.

JWoww and Snooki stay in, Ronni Magro and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola are upstairs asleep, so Deena decides to tag along with MVP (Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Vinny Guadagnino, and Paul "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio. Have I mentioned that learning how to spell Guadagnino is the greatest accomplishment of my "Jersey Shore" recapping career?) Deena rather efficiently goes about doing what most drunk, insecure girls do: Complimenting another girl's bosom. Check. Letting a girl drink a shot off her abdomen. Check. Allowing a girl to rub her pelvis suggestively against her bottom. Check. The guys, of course, love it.

At the club, Deena meets Dean, a well-muscled, tattooed specimen wearing a crucifix that is larger than his watch, and that is saying something. The guys are agog at his resemblance to Ronnie, so when Deena decides to take him home (like there was any doubt), they drag him upstairs to introduce him to his doppelganger. (Not that they use the word doppelganger. It's four syllables, yo.) Before they're able to make the introductions, a sleepy Ronnie looks up and says, "Who is that, Dean?" They already knew each other. It gets funnier: Ronnie then says, "His girlfriend's name is Sam, too." "Yeah," Dean says, "my girlfriend ... " He realizes, d'oh, he's on camera and that Deena probably wouldn't like knowing he has a girlfriend. (Shows what he knows.)

Deena and Dean get into the hot tub. She asks him if he's got a girlfriend. Here's his response: "Right now, n-no. Not at all. No. I mean, no. Not really. Like, no. Eh, no. For real." You don't need an Enigma machine to parse that. Deena doesn't care. Or maybe she does, because they don't have sex. "He definitely didn't get the golden ticket, but I gave him a sneak peek." The next morning, Sammi tells Deena that Dean definitely has a girlfriend. Sammi: "Men are pigs." Deena: "He bleep bleep bleep bleep last night, so." Whaaaat? They share a laugh, and miracle of miracles, Sammi has 30 seconds of screen time in which I am not overcome by a mad desire to throttle her.

The entire crew heads out to the club that night. We see Snooki drinking but not getting falling down drunk, at least. JWoww meets up with Roger, and her friend Lauren tells them that she made a mistake the other night, that Roger is not dating someone else. When the girls return home, it's Tom on the phone again for JWoww. Ronnie still harbors ill will toward JWoww for sending that note to Sammi in Miami, and says to Pauly D, "She sees her ex-boyfriend and then calls her boyfriend, but I'm the dirtbag? Come on, bro ... She's just a shady bitch." JWoww doesn't feel like talking, which sets Tom off. "Is my girlfriend there? Or is this the bitch that came over her as of recently?" She tells him she loves him and will call him in the morning. He pretty much hangs up on her. "That's why I'm leaving your ass," she mutters.

The next day, JWoww and Snooki meet up with Alex and his hot friend Nick on the boardwalk and have a good time. "I kind of feel Tom pushed me into Roger's arms," JWoww says. That night, Snooki says she doesn't want to drink anymore. JWoww points out that she drank last night. "I know, 'cause I felt like if I was sober, I'd be bored." JWoww advises her to take it one day at a time, which happens to be AA's philosophy. Then she says, "On Thursday night, you want a glass of pinot, there's nothing wrong with that." Which is not AA's philosophy. "Oh yeah," Snooki says. "I think pinot's okay. Pregnant people do it." "Exactly."

Apropos of nothing -- like 98 percent of "Jersey Shore" -- JWoww tries to smother Vinny with her boobs.

MTVAn emotional JWoww dumps her boyfriend over the phone.

JWoww and Snooki go to work, but take a break when Roger and Nick show up with some iced coffee. They're enjoying some intimate time at a Boardwalk food joint -- well, as intimate as possible with dozens of people gathered about 30 feet away, taking pictures and apparently being held at bay by at least one of Seaside Heights' finest -- until Danny shows up to drag them back to work.

After work, they decide to go back to the amusement pier, but not before we are subjected to tonight's regularly scheduled scatological interlude. At first I wasn't sure if I heard right, but it sounded like Snooki said she was going to double-panty her ass. Then she said, "I have to poop." And then she elaborates for us: Everytime she goes to a party or has a date with a hot guy, she has to poop in her pants. One might think she's speaking metaphorically, but then she announces, "I just had a baby in the toilet." Oh, the depravity.

The next day, Tom calls. After a little hemming and hawing, she tells him she wants to take a breather. ("Roger that!" one of the guys says.) She also admits she's been spending time with Roger. "If this is going to be the last conversation I have with you, let me know," Tom tells her. She tell him that she's finally able to enjoy herself, "unlike what I was able to do with you." She tells him he's treated her like crap, and he responds in kind, and she hangs up. "Done," she pronounces. And we actually believe her.

JWoww soon realizes that Tom will not be taking care of her dogs and worries that he'll steal or trash her belongings, so she and Snooki head to Long Island to check up on her pets and the house. It's a cute little house, and behold -- a bookcase with actual books in it! She finds that Tom has apparently taken a watch that she got for graduation, her hard drive and her business records. She breaks down into tears, and Snooki comforts her.

This episode was refreshingly low on Sammi-Ronnie drama, but apparently we're going to get our fill of it next week.