I have never had the
pleasure of sexing a MILF (unless you count
the fantasy I have where I whip out my jammy in front of
Jennifer Garner and brag that -- unlike her husband's
-- MY jammy has never
been in
another man's butt.)

"I want your butt."

"Oh, Hoggy. I think I'm falling
in love with you because your jammy has never in another
man's butt."

NOTE TO MY GIRLFRIEND: I
am not really in love with Jennifer Garner.
I'm only in love with Jessica Alba. Just kidding.
Mostly. No seriously. I love you. Even though you
think it's okay that you say your TV boyfriend is that guy
who plays Superman in Smallville but you get mad at
me just because ONE TIME you catch me licking
Jessica Alba's cleavage on my computer screen.

NOTE: SLUUUUUUUUUUURP!

So while I myself have not
MILFed, my friends have engaged
in
pre-marital post-marital sex.

TRUE STORIES OF MILFing:

*** THE F*CK LAWYER ***

So my buddy is banging this MILF in exchange for dinners and
legal
counsel. Everyone is happy. The F*ck Lawyer (as she is
known) is banging
his gavel every night and he is examining her legal briefs.
All was good until...

DIS-ORDER IN THE COURT!

My boy is deep in the F*ck Lawyer's chambers when in walks...
the baby!

That poor little baby wobbled in to see her
mommy whimpering under the
weight of some strange hairy man.

My buddy was mortified. As my friend describes it, his jammy
IMMEDIATELY
withered. His jammy was like the French Army...in full
retreat.

CLOSING ARGUMENTS

The MILF, still naked and covered in Tropicana 100% Pure
Love Juice (with the juicy bits of pulp) picked up her baby and
comforted her: "It's okay. Mommy is okay. Everything is okay."

Um, no it's not. Not after what she saw. That poor little
baby girl just
bought a one-way plane ticket to Tuna Town. Her future
career: Pro
Bowler. Or WNBA All-Star.

ABOVE: The future of the baby
girl leads her to this rally.

*** EXTRA-CREDIT COLLEGE CLASS ***

* When my friend was in college, he took a 5 hour bus ride to
let a MILF
explore his undergraduate underpants. And he in turn wanted
to audit her
ass.

Little did she know that when he said he had a 3.0, he
wasn't talking
about his GPA! HA HA HA!! Just kidding. My friend says he's
"gotten no
complaints."

To which I say: "That's because they're too drunk to speak."To which HE says: "Shut up @$$hole!!"To which I say: "HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"

CHEATING THE TEST

To her credit, the picture she emailed my buddy was
really
her.

Except
from 7 years ago.

At the time, if my friend had emailed HER
a pic of
himself from 7 years prior, it would be a black & white
photo like this:

The only reason he went through with the dirty deed was
because he
invested so much time and effort. So like a true MILFman, he
delivered.
He really made the best of the situation. He even said her
huge c-section scar looked like a cute smiley face.

FINAL EXAM

So it turns out that women who proposition teenage boys
on
Instant
Messenger and pay for their bus ticket are of
less-than-average sanity.

In short, bitch wuz KraZy!

She still contacts him to this
day, asking to
see him. She must be like, 1000 years old by now. She
even sent my friend a more recent picture of herself:

And if you're wondering... yes,
that is actually a picture of Michael Douglas.