Dear Basketball Wives…

I don’t want to address your childhood selves, because frankly, I don’t think hypothetically conversing with the Saturday morning cartoon-watching version of y’all makes much difference in the here and now. That was cute for you, though, Eve. Anyway, as you know many people have come for your necks for your collective behavior in recent weeks.

I admit that a few of you – I’m looking in your direction Evelyn Lozada and Tami Roman – have gone off the deep end, but as I noted previously, the boycott seemed fruitless because in the end, viewers knew what they were getting from the very first season.

Have y’all done too much this past season? Surely, but these non-apologetic apologies aren’t especially convincing.

Take for instance your letter, Evelyn. You kick it off with this line: “In exactly twenty-nine years you’re going to find yourself at the middle of a mess that you unwillingly helped to create…”

And then mid-way you go: “You’ll make no excuses for your actions, as a matter of fact, you’ll find yourself in tears at the Ah-ha moment Star Jones forces you to have.”

Uh, weren’t you a willing participant by rushing onto the table and into the arms of security as if you were either ready to brawl or perform some ballet act? Which is it? Don’t bother answering. I don’t believe you anyway. Shout out to your publicist all the same. Get those coins, ya heard me?

As for you, Roman the Warrior, you told Wendy Williams, “The only person who I have to blame is me, because I was the one who got up there and acted a pure fool.” However, did I not hear you tell Kesha Nichols – the cast mate you belittled for your own amusement – that she practically allowed herself to be treated that way by you on the reunion special? Not to mention those cries of, “Well, Jennifer Williams, you’ve been a bully, too!” Things that make you go “boom.”

Now that I think about it, don’t we always hear apologies and promises of more balance at a given reunion episode? Will you all ever stop making promises we know can’t be kept? How about simply following the lead of the show’s fairy godmother, Shaunie O’Neal, and just stick with the pledge not to engage in physical violence anymore?

I never applied to the academy to get on the Morality Police Squad, so I don’t mind if you ladies continue throwing enough shade to cool off all of Texas. Obviously, it’s a honed skill set. Should producers also show y’all donating turkeys to the needy and hitting the chitlin’ circuit to channel your inner Kerry Washington in between the drama?

Of course, but let’s not pretend Basketball Wives is about to be a brand new show. It would take Jesus, Muhammad, and all of Aladdin’s wishes to make that happen by next season. Let’s start slow.

Besides, what would be the point in watching if you all got along? We already have La La Anthony giving us that show. Yours is what it is by design and most viewers understand that.

Instead of this self-help spin to the controversy, how about you all just try the following next go ‘round:

Throw shade, not pottery barn products.

Give us side eyes, and not Street Fighter style kicks to the stomach.

Curse if you must, but refrain from busting anyone upside the head.

Basically: We want the drama and the shade but not to the point of shaming your race.

That’s a much more attainable goal, right? See, I helped.

I’ll see y’all next season…hopefully without the slap boxing.

Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick

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