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Saturday, 17 March 2012

As many of my Twitter minions would know, I have a particular love of Friskies. Like Mary Poppins, they are "practically perfect in every way."

"Practically", but not "completely". There are only two problems with Friskies. The first is a minor issue. There are meat Friskies, as well as fish Friskies. Sometimes Mum picks up the wrong pack in the supermarket. If the Purina company would stop making meat Friskies, that would fix this issue completely. There is really no reason whatsoever to manufacture the meat flavours, because I only like fish. I do my very best to train Mum, but she is only human after all.

The other problem with Friskies is far more serious. They come in a cardboard box that a human has to open and pour. We all know how unreliable humans are. If I decide I want my breakfast at 3am, it should be available at 3am, and Friskies that were put in my bowl the night before are just not good enough. Humans are most uncooperative before their morning alarm goes off.

Humans are uncooperative before their morning alarm.

I have come up with a solution to this problem, however. Purina, the company who make Friskies, should develop a pack that cats can open and pour for ourselves.

This would solve the problem of the uncooperative human - in fact it would remove dependence on humans at all.

I have suggested this to the Purina company, and have assurances it is being worked on. I'm very hopeful the new type of packaging will be released soon. Perhaps it will be called the "Bumpy Pack" in my honour, since I am the genius who has come up with this revolutionary idea.

This is where negotiations are at present:

Mr Bumpy, BloggercatHave you ever thought of designing a Friskies pack that cats could open and pour for ourselves. This needing humans to help is just so inefficient!

I'm certain that Lisa at Purina, and I hope she's a cat not an unreliable human, will get something done about the situation very soon. If she writes on the company's Facebook account, she must hold a very senior position in the company, possibly even the CEO.

Until then, cats will have to continue to rely on humans. Humans have hands, which at the moment are essential to opening and pouring Friskies.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

You may know that my human is a minister. Last week she had the ten commandments as one of the readings. I took a look at them. I don't know what the fuss is about: God gives this list of rules and for thousands of years people think how clever God is for coming up with them. I'm sure I could do much better - which is why I've decided to write my own ten commandments.

6. You will not take away any mice, lizards, or
small creatures I may be tormenting.

I am the cat. You shall adore only me.

You will not give attention to the dog.

You will always speak nicely to me - and stroke me while you're doing so.

Your lap is always reserved for me.

You will bring to me the first fruits of the Friskies harvest, along with cream and stinky fish.

You will not take away any mice, lizards, or other small creatures I may be tormenting.

You will not work on the computer when I want to be stroked.

You will not step on my jingle balls - even if I leave them in the middle of the hallway in the middle of the night.

You will not yell at me when I break your precious objects.

You will not want the couch, your bed, your chair, or anything else I happen to choose to nap on. If I am on it, it is mine.

I'm sure you will agree, these are a significant improvement on the original.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat

Saturday, 3 March 2012

One of my favourite ways to wake Mum up in the morning is to put my cold nose as far into her ear as it will go and purr, loudly. Mum says it is like someone starting a chainsaw in her skull. It's very effective.

Imagine how much more effective it would be if instead of sounding like a chainsaw, I sounded like a jet engine!

I would like you to meet my new friend Smokey. We met yesterday on Twitter. (If you want to find her she's @PurringSmokey.)

Smokey is an incredibly talented cat. So talented, in fact that she has a Guinness World Record! Her talent is purring. Any cat can purr, of course, but Smokey is the loudest ever measured. She has a purr of 67.7 decibels.

OK, maybe that's not quite a jet engine, but it's pretty loud.
If you wonder about it - here a link to a chart of what sounds have what decibel readings. If Smokey were purring in the room, two humans wouldn't be able to have a normal conversation. They would have to yell over top of her. Of course, humans rarely have anything important to say, so this wouldn't really matter.

If you take a look at her website, you'll find she's so talented, she's also written a book. I understand a human may have helped her a little with that, but you know humans, probably more of a hindrance than a help. Humans do like to feel helpful though, so you really have to let them try.

So, check out my new friend's site. I couldn't find a recording of her purring on the site anywhere - but maybe that's for health and safety reasons. Wouldn't want to deafen anyone listening to their computers, I suppose.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy
Bloggercat.

Books by Iris, available in paperback and ebook versions, from:

Patchwork

Patchwork is an anthology of short stories and poems by author and blogger Iris Carden. In this volume, you will deal with the aftermath of a dog bite in Bad Moon Rising, spend a sleepless night with The Possum in the Roof, and investigate a weird religious cult in The Time of Blood and Death. The print version of the book has a bonus story not in the eBook version.

Beside Still Waters

A book of sermons and brief reflections on Christian Scripture, by Rev Iris Carden. There is no specific order to the items in the book, they are intended to each be a "surprise" in that they are not related to the items around them. It is hoped that in each, the reader will find something new or special, or unexpected, a message from God. Rev Iris Carden has a Master's Degree in Theology and more than 10 years of experience as a Christian minister

Cat-it-orial

Mr Bumpy is such a talented cat, he even runs his own website: mrbumpycat.com. He is a blogger, and a very bad cat. His favourite hobby is world domination. His next hobby is harassing the humans and other animals he shares a home with. In this book, you can see the world through the eyes of a megalomanicat, and some of the other animals who share his home.

Group Meeting

(Novella) In a facility for people recovering from mental illness: a group of people with sinister pasts starts to be visited by a girl who doesn't exist.

Karlee

Failing author Terry Dixon is made an offer that seems unbelievable. He can have all of his problems solved, have everything he has ever wanted, for a price. The price is something that "will not be too difficult" for him to pay - but it is not specified what it actually will be. With bills mounting up and a deadline looming, Terry agrees to a deal with something he knows nothing about.

About the Author

Iris Carden is a retired Uniting Church minister and former journalist. Lupus forced her to stop working. On good days she writes.

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Bloggercat at Work

Mr Bumpy on the computer.

Lunch Break

It's not that hard - open fridge, get cat food.

About Mr Bumpy

My name's Mr Bumpy. I spend a lot of time on the computer. (The humans I allow to live with me sometimes complain about me being on the computer - but they're mere humans, what do they know?)

My greatest achievements to date are: throwing Miss C's mobile phone out the window during the night; explaining to the dog who is boss; putting a mouse in Mum's slipper; bringing a live snake into the house and playing with it under the birdcage; and getting my own cat biscuits out of the bag when the humans are too slow to do as they're told.

I do have some help with my blog here - my "Mum" a human named Iris does some of my typing for me. She's OK as humans go, so you might want to check out her blogs some time. And of course, there's a dog and some rats and budgies, but you're really not interested in them.

You can contact me (or any of the rest of the Mr Bumpy Cat Dot Com team) at: contact@mrbumpycat.com