IF YOU GO

Every New York playwright who ever went to Hollywood came back with a play about how cold, cruel and sometimes darkly hilarious show biz can be on the West Coast.

They all note, of course, that Hollywood does pay well.

"The Little Dog Laughed," by Douglas Carter Beane and starring the luminous Julie White, is the latest overstuffed but smart example of the genre. It opened last night at Second Stage.

Nicely directed by Scott Ellis, the play is worth seeing for White's stinging performance as an insanely tough Hollywood agent, and for Beane's wise take on America's dream factory that hasn't changed much since the days of movie-mogul Louis B. Mayer.

What's new about "Little Dog" is that it focuses on homosexuality in Hollywood: The closet door is still locked, bolted and chained for major movie stars, Beane demonstrates — note that the two canoodling stars of that gay cowboy movie, "Brokeback Mountain," are certifiably straight.

We meet Mitchell in a swank New York hotel room to which he, while seriously drunk, has summoned a call-boy named Alex (Johnny Galecki, who played the teenage son David Healy on TV"s "Roseanne"). Galecki makes his New York stage debut here, with a carefully shaded performance.

These two closeted boys' relationship grows into something more than a business deal, which propels Diane into absolute panic mode. She's negotiating to buy a hit New York play with a gay theme for a movie adaptation. But if her star comes out as a gay man, she knows all the air will go out of the project.

"We are investing money into a property that will fill the common woman with lust and fill the common man with envy," Diane explains. If Mitchell advertises his gayness, "You will not inspire lust in common women, and every common man will feel superior to you."

Beane gives more than ample stage time to Alex's girlfriend Ellen (beautifully played by newcomer Zoe Lister-Jones), who even gets pregnant by Alex. When Alex turns to Mitchell for financial help, the would-be movie star's wildly selfish core is of course laid bare.

These subthemes unfortunately underscore our nagging awareness that both Huff and, to a lesser extent, Galecki are just miscast here. Huff would never pass as a rising Hollywood leading man, and he generates no sexual tension that would make his ambivalence a true flash-point. And Galecki doesn't rate as a believable hustler, sexually ambiguous or not. What they see in each other remains a mystery.

But the best writing here is saved for White, who delivers Beane's lines with the most deliciously mordant performance. Diane can locate what everybody wants, and even when this makes for a deeply sad resolution, she knows deep down that "everyone's happy." Diane, you see, solves problems.

One of the play's funniest moments comes when the playwright she is wooing misunderstands her, thinking Mitchell might want to step into a role on Broadway.

In a quick interior monologue, Diane says, "No, not for the play. You inconsequential little stain. I didn't fly across the country to put my client in a play. I am not paying for your crab cakes in this hell hole for my client, who is on the rise, to replace someone in a play."