On the first day of Crom-mass, my dear Lord gave to me,A bleeding and severed knee.

On the second day of Crom-mass, my dear Lord gave to me,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

On the third day of Crom-mass, my dear Lord gave to me,Three sharp swords,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

On the fourth day of Crom-mass my dear Lord gave to meFour pails of ale,Three sharp swords,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

On the fifth day of Crom-mas my dear Lord gave to me.FIVE CHURLISH WHORES!Four pails of ale,Three sharp swords,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

On the sixth day of Crom-mas my dear Lord gave to me.Six midgets screaming,FIVE CHURLISH WHORES!Four pails of ale,Three sharp swords,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

On the seventh day of Crom-mas my dear Lord gave to me.Seven plagues a spreading,Six midgets screaming,FIVE CHURLISH WHORES!Four pails of ale,Three sharp swords,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

On the eighth day of Crom-mas my dear Lord gave to me.Eight blades a slicing,Seven plagues a spreading,Six midgets screaming,FIVE CHURLISH WHORES!Four pails of ale,Three sharp swords,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

On the ninth day of Crom-mas my dear Lord gave to me.Nine entrails falling,Eight blades a slicing,Seven plagues a spreading,Six midgets screaming,FIVE CHURLISH WHORES!Four pails of ale,Three sharp swords,Two threaded ears,and a bleeding and severed knee.

A scene from Bill's upcoming one man show about Superman's most dangerous foe....himself.

Act I - Scene I

[A ramshackle living area. Litter. Dishes. A well-worn recliner and sofa. Lots of books and dvd covers. A TV, etc. Upstage, a long table featuring "lab equipment" bubbling and boiling. Enter 'Kal-El', now visibly aged, graying hair, out of shape, perhaps a knee-brace, still wearing his worn, torn, trademark uniform]

Kal-el: "This damned Kryptonian whiskey takes too damned long! At 2 years a batch, it's a wonder I ever get drunk! You'd think after reading more than 2,000 chemistry books, I could figure out another way to break down kyptonite into a inebriable beverage!

[Fills a coffee mug from one end of the lab-equipment and sips the contents, wincing]

It's young yet, but by damned it's good! And still marginally effective [finishes the mug and refills it.]

Here's to year 3,132 since I've seen another living being...Go fuck yourselves!

“Time now for The Boner of the Day. Three news stories, examples of bad, stupid, or funny human behavior. You will decide with your vote who is worst, the most deserving of the award no one wants to win, The Boner of the Day. ‘Boner’ means mistake. Two candidates now, then a third candidate after The Big Boy News and Opinuendo. Once you have heard all three, you will vote. One lucky Boner voter will receive the can’t-buy-it, gotta-win-it Radio From Hell Boner t-shirt courtesy of....”

Call (801) 519-7897 and record your own version of The Boner Introduction!

Do NOT work in radio…One of the best ways Bill can think of to make people not work on the radio is to come hang out in the studio from 5:30 AM to 6:15 AM. When they see the kind of bull sock that goes on, they won’t even dream of getting into the business. Someone decided to text Bill at 10:00 PM when he was fast asleep and there’s nothing that would be important enough to rouse him from slumber. Now nobody’s sure who’s supposed to be doing the remote tonight. Greaaaaaaaat. Bill apologizes for getting so angry but it really pissed him off and you’ll have to forgive him…but there’s things like the fact that when recording a promo the other day he spoke into the wrong mic. These mics have been in the production studio for 20 years and have never been labeled correctly (although Luke the Intern finally got them identified correctly [thanks, Luke!]). Bill’s not a legend, btw. Legends are either out of work or about to get fired. He’s notorious. That’s better. If Kerry doesn’t say hi to you in the hallway, it’s not because he has an ego…he’s notoriously shy. If he could get away with being “the-guy-that-wears-sunglasses-all-the-time” he would. He can’t though, ‘cause that’s a douchey thing to do.

Fashion ChallengeYesterday, Bill and Gina had a discussion about her fashion sense. Today, Bill issued a challenge to Gina that will push them both to dress a little nicer each day. Kerry doesn’t need the challenge because he already has a style. To help her accomplish this, Gina reached out to Nordstrom for a personal shopper (Kerry’s wife Sue has given up on her completely). Here are some of the questions that they asked her to get started: Do you wear sleeveless items of clothing? What activities do you do outside of work? Are you allergic to any materials? All of these questions befuddled Gina and will definitely confuse whomever the poor soul is that is tasked to help her improve her fashion sense. Bill thinks that he would like to dress more “outdoorsy” but isn’t sure he can pull it off. Sue texted in to the show to say that Bill isn’t going for style with that look but more of a statement about who he is: a liberal that loves the outdoors and who is willing to pay way more than he should for food at the local farmer’s market.

Festus and His Rights to PrivacyGina’s not happy with Bill. Off the air, he began to remind Festus (Gina’s oldest son) that as a teenage child he has zero rights to privacy while living in his mother’s house. She will more than likely read any personal journals that he has, if he tries to sext a lady friend she’ll bust him for it and even with a lock on his door she’ll come in without his permission. Bill just wanted to make sure he understands that at some point, he’ll move out and have his own place. At that point, Gina will try and tell him to do something he doesn’t want to do and he can kindly say “nope…this is my place.” He just has to hold out until that point.

Ask a Dive Recovery PersonRandy Champion is an archaeological diver who runs a business out of Draper. They work primarily in the Dominican Republic on government mandated discoveries. Most of the artifacts are from shallow water ship wrecks (down to about 60 Ft). They are paid 50% of the commissions from anything they recover. Pieces of Eight refer to the silver pieces that pirates used as currency and were named because they were cut into eight different pieces if needed as a way to “make change.” They rarely have encounters with dangerous sea life…mostly the spiny urchins that sting you if you get too close. They don’t want to be associated with “treasure hunters.” They are much more regulated and professional and are held to a higher standard. James Brolin (Mr. Barbara Streisand) was their spokesman for a while and had a video introduction on their website. Their boat captain is extremely superstitious. He won’t allow bananas on the ship because they’re bad luck. They never leave for a dive on a Friday, either. They hire divers primarily in the Dominican Republic because they would like to give back to the community there.

Movie Reviews with Jeff Michael Vice

Take This Waltz: Michelle Williams is a great actress. Jeff loves her. She’s pixie-ish and unhappily married to Seth Rogan. Sarah Silverman has a controversial nude shower scene in this movie which is the “sizzle” that should make you go see it. The scene’s not sexy, though…it’s “everyday nudity.” Just cleanin’ parts. Kind of like a parody of an indie-film. 2 Stars.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: little girl in the bayou who tries to escape her miserable existence with her father. Kind of “Where the Wild Things Are.” Very odd. It’s very authentic and very art house. 3.5 Stars.

The Invisible War: a documentary about rape in the U.S. military. A very hot topic in the news lately, it’s become a rampant problem, especially in the Texas Air Force. There’s a montage of interviews with women recounting their stories which will give you chills. 3.5 Stars.

Batman – the Dark Knight Rises: Christian Bale brings his A-Game this time. Anne Hathaway nailed her role as Catwoman. She does a more “real-world” take on her character. Jeff liked the movie but having seen it and realizing how much it takes itself seriously he’s not gonna go see it again any time soon. It’s like seeing an Occupy Salt Lake march where people are in costume. He left wanting an icepack for the back of his head. Even more dour and humorless than the second film. Too long (almost 3 hours). Joseph Gordon Levitt is fantastic, too. 3 Stars.

The Daily MonitorIn Bill’s quest to keep tabs on KSL’s wonderful news program, he came across a story about Charlie Sheen becoming a judge on American Idol. Basically, Tim and Amanda, after bringing it up, said that Charlie “needs the paycheck.” Ummm, he’s a working actor that is starring in a fairly big show and just donated over one million dollars to a political organization. He doesn’t need a paycheck. Derp-a-derp. Also, Bill would like to thank the listeners who sent him the story about the recent creative obituary for Val Patterson and requested that he read it on the show today…because obviously you don’t listen as much as you should (all 4 hours, 5 days a week) since he did it yesterday. You are the National Threat Level for today. Hang your head in shame.

Our List of Things That Must Go

Kerry:

Bicyclists that don’t obey traffic rules that other motorists have to follow (i.e. pulling up to a red light, looking both ways and then going through it).

Comments sections on websites where people literally throw death threats around over silly opinions about movies and other forms of entertainment. Relax, people!

Whoever took the doorstopper out of the studio. Bring it back!!

Bill:

when people don’t turn their phones all the way off but just set it to vibrate. It’s just as annoying as the actual ringtone.

Kathy Lee and Hoda Kotb must go.

The phone survey voice. That little “sing-songy” voice that goes up and down, up and down…blech. Just call and talk like a normal person.

The phrases “how many times do I have to tell you?!” “don’t make me come in there!” “I’ll give you what for!” “This is gonna hurt me just as much as it’s gonna hurt you.” “I beat him like a drum.”

Gina:

Receipts that don’t have the tip calculation on the bottom. It’s so handy!

When eating out as a group and splitting the check, just split it evenly. Don’t nickel-and-dime people trying to figure out exactly who ate what and in what portions.

People who open their car doors and spit into the street. And why is it only men? Women don’t collect gobs of goo in their mouths and have to spit it into traffic!

SurveysThere was a survey conducted by an LDS sociologist that polled people on their feelings about blacks and Mormons. There’s a surprising amount of distrust of both parties (where does that leave Mia Love?!). It’s interesting to Bill because he’s around both demographics and has general trust for each of them, mostly because he “knows where they’re coming from.” Gina loves having Mormon neighbors. They don’t have loud parties and they bring you treats. Bill wonders though if they have a lot of Mormons in the Harvard/Yale neighborhood because it’s so secular. Should be filled with Atheists and professors. A lot of wine drinking and stuff like that. None of that box wine though. Bill doesn’t discriminate though because he had a very tasty box wine on his river trip. It was “drinkable.” Kerry would like to have “drinkable box wine” defined since the majority of them are disgusting. Just don’t look for the ones with animals on the package…you can’t trust them.

Bottom Line BillIf Bill switched radio programs, his new radio name would be “Filthy Lucre” because he only cares about money, money, money. Also, he would like to know what makes Gina “lady-like” and whether or not she considers herself such a woman. She admits that she isn’t as much of a lady as she could be. Kerry wants to know how many skirts/dresses she owns to which she replied 1 skirt. Bill doesn’t mind if a woman occasionally hocks a loogie…but only sometimes. Gina’s ideal of a woman that acts like a lady is as following: she dresses, speaks and is once, twice, three times a lady. Sue, Kerry’s wife, dresses like a lady but doesn’t talk like one. Bill’s not sure that he would care for someone who acts like what Gina describes, especially (as Kerry points out) if she tries to act like one. She feels kinda bad that she’s not as lady-like as she should be but she’s not really willing to do anything about it. Plus, the change would have to be gradual because if she transformed overnight it would look forced and not work. It’s easier for a guy to act like a gentleman. Just put on a suit and nobody really questions you. Kerry suggests that once a week Gina should wear that skirt to work. Baby steps. Maybe she could get a personal shopper, someone who would understand what Gina would wear. As a bonus, Joe would like it which should motivate her to change since, according to Bill, she does everything else that he wants her to do.

Time, Money and the EnvironmentBill could use 1,000 dollars. His freezer went on the fritz, as they say. When he called the appliance company, they came out and assessed the situation. After a 40 dollar service charge, two separate visits and some serious frustration he had to pay 600 bucks to replace the compressor. After all that effort, he went downstairs and checked it again and it’s still not working. He usually buys bulk foods, like meats, to freeze and use later which is why the freezer is so important. Gina’s husband Joe (Mr. Environmentalist) walks to the local Harmons and buys fresh food every day which caused an argument between Bill and Gina about who’s more environmentally friendly. Gina questions whether or not Bill’s family even uses all of the stuff they stick in there…but Bill insists that they do. He may have to call poison control occasionally to make sure that the food that’s been in there for 3 years won’t kill him but he uses it. In the end, he will more than likely get rid of the freezer and ask for his money back.

Kill The BitGina doesn’t want to say which bit she wants to see go because she doesn’t want to sway the vote. Bill wants to save all three. The chat room has varied opinions on which one to kill but a single bit doesn’t stand out. When pressed, Gina admits that Den of Lies is her least favorite of the three but she still doesn’t feel like any of them should go, especially because Kyle now believes she hates him (which isn’t true).

Tattoos and Givin’ BloodKerry skipped out on the last hour of the show today because he was seeing a (not so) secret screening of the new Batman movie and then he was going to give blood. Bill says that’s not possible because he just got a tattoo and there’s a time period afterward where you aren’t allowed to give blood. This led to another argument about whether or not the legends about the links between hepatitis and getting ink done are true. A caller that works with the Red Cross said that they have changed the rules recently and use a chart that questions where you live and what type of procedure you had within the year (tattoo, piercing, etc.). Depending on that information, you may or may not be able to donate blood. In the end, they’re just measures put in place to be overly cautious for people like Gina who need the stickman signs that show you not to stand on the top rung of a ladder.

Cars and Kid WashesThe Utah Symphony is doing special performances with Kansas and also playing music by “The King of Pop.” Do we really need to hear Horse With No Name performed by the symphony? Bill spent one hour filling in for Doug Fabrizio and he’s already becoming an elitist. Kerry and Gina didn’t listen to Bill on Radio West because they were busy. Specifically Kerry was interviewing Jay Leno which, he admits, went terribly. He points out that Jay didn’t even laugh once at Kerry’s jokes. He’s not sure he wants the interview to be played on the air either because it would be a disservice to the client since they’d have to make fun of Jay. As a non-sequitur, Richie was in Bill’s backyard the other day and noticed a super creepy clown. It is part of a summer project that will eventually be a “kid wash.” When questioned why they’re making something like that, Bill says that he’s not sure why there’s a clown involved but kids love anything to do with water in the summer. He dropped 40 bucks in PVC pipe to build it, too. Kerry takes his car (kind of his kid, really) to a place called Mr. Hot Shine when it needs to be cleaned. They do a good job…AND they’ve got hot women that wash the car. Bill wishes that Bikini Cuts was still open. That was one classy joint.

Ask a Pediatric HospitalistA hospitalist is a physician who specializes in taking care of patients in the hospital as opposed to in a clinic or private facility. It is more immediate than an office and the patient population is different. The prevailing ailment that he sees are respiratory related. Dr. Glenn Huff sees a lot of head injuries in the summer, especially because kids are usually top heavy and tend to fall on their melons. If the attendant suspects child abuse at any point, they are required to report it. The liability rests on the doctor only if they don’t report it so they err on the side of caution. As far as breastfeeding is concerned, he suggests that the greatest amount of benefit is solely giving breast milk through the first year. Other than that, it’s a personal decision. Most of the questions (ranging from poop disorders and chronic nose bleeds) were making Kerry thankful that he doesn’t have kids. Injuries are going to happen…if something breaks, help them keep the limb still and get them to an emergency room. No need for a makeshift sling or anything similar. You can overdo antibiotics but it’s extremely difficult. If the doctor prescribes them, use them. Homeopathic medicine may not be pushed in the hospital system but he admits that if it brings comfort they may suggest it in some cases. Avoid cosleeping as there is a risk of suffocating your child.

Movie Reviews with Jeff Vice

Where do we go now?: 2.5 Stars. An amusing idea because we’re so used to Middle Eastern films being so dark.

Ice Age 4: Continental Drift: you’ve seen the previous shorts with the prehistoric squirrel and they use the entire short in the feature. If you like prehistoric pirates, maybe you’ll like it. There’s a Simpson’s short at the beginning of the movie which is the only reason to go see it in the theaters. Either that or get it on DVD. 1.5 Stars.

Gina’s Sign Off: You know, once you get past the scum line, it’s pretty nice!

Bill Hates Radio (not really though)Bill’s not only going to ruin the show today but he’s also going to KUER to fill in for Doug Fabrizio on Radio West. Gina wonders where he might be and Kerry speculates that he’s at home, playing Lego Batman 2. Bill was up late preparing for the topic (Buddhism) which is a topic that he wasn’t all that interested in. He gets stressed when he has to fill in for Doug which puts pressure on him to perform which in turn makes him cranky on the show. Bill also wanted to complain about some promotional fliers that were posted around the studio that talk about the ideal listener. The people on the flier were missing their legs. Either it’s out of sheer laziness or because the person couldn’t fit them in, it looks ridiculous. Just sayin’.

Your List of Things That Must Go

Eric: the words “The Great Seal of the State of Utah” must go. Bill begs to differ. We make honey and stuff; Beto’s breakfast burritos; Walmart not having a dress code. Someone’s always wearing their pajamas; Old, stuffy, conservative coworkers. Oh, and get your hearing checked; Companies blocking news stories about E3.

Brett: The fact that Kim Kardashian isn’t labeled as a “plus sized” model; Crossover advertising; Hiding weight by wearing tighter clothes. The muffin top looks the way it does because the container can’t hold the batter.

Mitch (Fat Brad Pitt): people who put their naked pregnant belly on Facebook. Would you like it if I started putting my fat belly pics up, too? People who complain about how “people just don’t get me.” You complain about being single or how you hate your job but you’re not DOING anything to change it; People who use coupons at Walmart but don’t use the coupon line; People who tell you how to raise your kids; Kristen Stewart, who looks like a squirrel

Laura: x96 promos that refer to the DJs as misfits and idiots; People who tell you that you look tired or sick when you just don’t put on mascara.

Emily: Costco must go for letting birds nest in the ceiling. Aren’t there pallet jacks for that?

Seth: Coworkers who talk about work related stuff in the breakroom; Enormous strollers in crowded places; Bill going on vacation. Even though he grinds our gears, we miss him when he’s gone; Interns who edit the podcasts and cut off parts of important stories. What about bunny chlamydia?!

Heather: people who don’t pull their growling, teeth baring dogs off her sweet lab; People who talk to her when she’s clearly listening to something on the radio; People who don’t clean up after their dogs; Women who wear big gerber daisies, bigger than their heads.

Cindy: people who say “all of the sudden,” “nucular,” and who call her Sydney instead of Cindy; Her right wing crazy dad; Her coworker who asks her “are ya hangin’ in there?” They’ve never even had a conversation.

Gina and Skipping Out On MeetingsEvery Tuesday, the show has to participate in meetings where they get told where (or where not) they will be for remotes and also told that they’re going to hell in a handbasket. Gina, who knows about the weekly meetings, set an appointment to have her eyebrows done (truthfully, it was to get them Redone as the person who did them originally screwed them up) during the 11:00 hour. However, that’s not the reason that she gave when exiting. She said that it was for a cross promotional tv event with Daddy Tom and Chris Vanocur which was slightly disingenuous. Bill and Kerry point out that it’s on channel 4, bright and early on a Sunday morning. Why the hell would she need to get her eyebrows done?! Nobody’s going to notice! Gina says that she’ll be in HD and it’s a necessary thing. Mostly, Kerry wanted Gina there because he doesn’t like being the only a-hole. He even threatened to quit in the middle of the meeting, something that was beautiful to behold. Too bad she missed it.

Sumner the Accordion Playing Entrepreneur Sumner has a lemonade stand in Tanner Park that the show is sponsoring on Monday and Tuesday from noon – 5:00 pm. He gets to create a commercial with Richie (full blown radio support!) that will promote the stand. He’s done lemonade stands in the past but hasn’t made much money. He’s saving up for a new pair of headphones. He also plays accordion because of a jazz band he saw once and it inspired him. He’s been taking lessons, which has proven difficult since there aren’t many teachers here locally. He played Injun Song for the studio which Kerry recorded for later use in things like the Boner of the Day. Good luck, Sumner!

Interviewing Jay LenoNobody wants to interview Jay Leno. They want Richie to do it but he’s not willing to put himself out there just to have Kerry, Bill and Gina mock him for it. Bill doesn’t want to hear Jay’s story about how he got into cars…again. Kerry saw him about 20 years ago when he toured and thought he was very funny. Bill loved him when he was on Dave Letterman’s show as a regular guest. However, he’s gotten vanilla over the years and pretty lame. Kerry says he can interview him but he doesn’t know anything about cars. Again, all signs point to Richie to be able to handle it. Bill thinks that he should just grab a KSL interview and recut it to sound like Kerry is the interviewer. Gina’s just too busy to make time for Jay. If the interview was going to happen between 10:00 and 10:15, she would be all over it. Gina thinks that Kerry should just ask the exact same questions that Doug Wright asked him already to see if he notices.