Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Action Mutant…always seems to be calling out for his “ninja”. Ninja? Ninja?

Enter the Ninja

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:In honor of this review, let’s play America’s favorite game (according to 273 unemployed men)…”Would _____ make it as a Ninja?”:Charles Bronson: Has the “code of silence” thing down pat. Might be a tough sell because of the lack of Martial Arts but if you need someone to take out an entire city block in three days, using nothing more than a cache of firearms, then he’s your man.Steven Seagal: Might be the most credible person on the list (just based on skill level) but he’d be quite the rotund ninja at this point. Might be better served in a “Samurai Delicatessen” role (a la John Belushi), where he could slice & dice people from the convenience of his butcher’s block.Van Damme: Again, another viable candidate but the voice may cause problems. I’d be more likely to understand an Asian ninja with NO English to his credit than JCVD & his mumbling (“Work smawder, not hawder!” My ass!).Wesley Snipes: Now, that’d be one cool, fucking ninja! And the stealth skills would come in handy for him when evading creditors.Chuck Norris: No, because ninjas are too conspicuous & noisy, even compared to Chuck Norris.Dan Aykroyd: Loose Cannons 2: Death of a Ninja Salesman. Co-starring Dane Cook as his mentally slow sidekick, Toots. Dennis Dugan set to direct. “Chris Farley made a better ninja”, says L.A. Times.Sonny Chiba: See The Executioner. It ruled. The End.Da Governator: Too much shtick. After hitting a bad guy with a ninja star: “Catch a rising star, Bennett!”Christopher George: No, but he would have made an excellent game show host!

The Plot, as it was:Franco Nero (Django, Die Hard 2) stars as Cole, a former Army officer and recently certified Ninja. He visits his old war buddy Frank Landers (Alex Courtney) & Frank’s sultry wife Mary Ann (Susan George) in the Philippines and they could not have it much worse. The couple is being harassed by unscrupulous businessman Charles Venarius (Christopher George) & hook handed goon Siegfried (Zachi Noy) to give up their valuable land so Venarius may expand his operations. Frank’s a drunken husk of his former self but Mary Ann’s the feisty one that won’t go without a fight. Luckily, Cole is on the scene and ready to dispatch anyone sent the Landers’ way...however, things get hairier when a ninja from Cole’s past (Sho Kosugi) is sent to do Cole in. Holy Ninja!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:Enter the Ninja is both a seminal film and a forgettable one in the American landscape. It’s noteworthy for the fact that it was the film that started the whole “ninja” craze in America that would last for the better part of the decade (not to mention the film that technically kicked off Cannon’s run of bloody craziness in the 80s). However, it’s also a pretty bad film that gets by on unintentional hilarity and the audaciousness that would become standard from the Go-Go brothers. Seriously, I couldn’t stop chuckling during the opening “ninja training” sequence, as it was easily the cheesiest and most inept thing I’ve seen in a while. Then again, it’s Cannon so that’s part of the charm. The film can’t help but to be entertaining, even when its badness is at its most supreme (and when the film slows somewhat during the non-Action parts). Consider this exchange, courtesy of a review from dumbdistraction.com:

Charles Venarius [Discussing Cole]: Twenty men? He got rid of 20 men? That's impossible!Mr. Parker: Impossible or not sir, he took care of them all.Charles Venarius: This is due to one man?Mr. Parker: Not an ordinary man sir.. .a ninja!Charles Venarius: A WHAT?Mr. Parker: A ninja... one who has studied ninjitsu. [Helpfully pulls out notepad] I made some notes.

He “made some notes”? Tremendous! Most of the bad lines come from George, whose game show host haircut and cackling, over-the-top delivery make for quite the memorable show (along with perhaps the best death scene EVER! Honestly, I could watch that all day!). Inept is also Nero not exactly being adept at the ninja style and looking pretty awkward in his close-ups that require fighting (though he is solid with his actual performance). And I couldn’t figure out if Noy was supposed to be a stereotypical German villain in the Peter Lorre mold, a leprechaun or what (though it was funny to see his hook thrown to him and have it accompanied by a “Wah-wahhhhhhh” trumpet sendoff.). However, if you came in to this wanting to see a serious, competent, tightly wound Action film…then you should have noticed something was up when you saw what studio produced it (and finding out that the director is none other than good ol’ Uncle Menachem Golan!). It’s trashy, exploitive and violent; it’s Cannon…(Sho) ’nuff said. EtN is entertaining in spite of all of those faults and fans of the genre (and Cannon schlock in general) will find much to enjoy on a “so bad, it’s good” basis.

Body Count/Violence: 36. Quite the bloody affair, though I did count about 8 or 10 after-the-fact kills. Still, the audience is treated to sword slashes, severed heads, throat slashing, stabbing, shooting, bench impaling (!), ninja star use, arm & neck breaking, body dragging by truck, lots of martial arts fighting, etc. My favorite death has to be when a security guard has the dreaded “mosquito spikes” driven into his face! There are also some legit cockfights in two scenes, which may have been due to the fact that the film was shot overseas where such things may be more lax.

Sexuality/Nudity: Dollars (Will Hare) distracts more than a few people with photos of nude ladies in his jacket, which are only glimpsed briefly. Susan George is in many a loose fitting outfit and is therefore very appealing in this flick (unlike in Straw Dogs, where her pouting & simpering every five seconds got to be much).

Language/Dialogue: A few strong profanities but that’s not the main entity here.

How bad was it?:The few reviews I read definitely rank it as bad, some say beyond bad. Though I wouldn’t go that far, the majority of the critical “acclaim” does admit it’s an unusually fun, grade D actionier.

Did it make the studio’s day?:Despite Enter the Ninja being a worldwide box office hit and the initial film of the ninja phenomenon, its budget/gross records are not posted anywhere. It was released in America by Cannon on 10/2/81 and that’s about all that’s really out there. There is no American Region 1 DVD out on the market yet so bug MGM about that until that oversight can be rectified.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Perspective:This has been a long time coming here at TAM. The first appearance of the man who has enjoyed a career resurgence in the past few years…despite the fact he hasn’t been in a film in three years and a starring theatrical release in thirteen years! A man that has a website named after him that displays many little known “facts” that are attributed to him in some way. A man who likes to solve disputes with words but usually solves them with a well placed spin kick to the jaw. You know who I’m referring to (note: If you said Bob Saget...get help. You have a problem). And no, I will not attempt to create one of those “facts” to make this review more acceptable to the masses. Besides, Chuck Norris doesn’t go for much comedy. In fact, Chuck Norris doesn’t heckle comedians…he throttles their souls with his eyes until they piss themselves and cry. What? It’s true!

The Plot, as it was:Norris is J.D. Dawes, a trucker that would rather teach Zen karate techniques and rassle with kid bro Billy (Michael Augenstein) than participate in an impromptu arm wrestling match (though he does both). When Billy goes on a trip out of town, he gets detoured into the corrupt town of Texas City, California (huh?). Ol’ TC was founded by the tyrannical Judge Trimmings (George Murdock), as he has brainwashed the townspeople with good, old fashioned town pride in order to soak passer-bys for money. When Billy disappears, J.D. goes snooping for answers and ends up pressing his feet in rage against more than one set of redneck asscheeks.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:This was The Chuckster’s first starring vehicle and it started the tradition of 99% of his following vehicles being exactly like this one. You know the type…someone does Chuck wrong, Chuck tries to be reasonable but the baddies go one step too far and Chuck lays down the ass beatings. It’s simplistic to the extreme and the only things that discern it from your typical Walker, Texas Ranger episode is some decidedly 70s goofiness & some bizarre supporting work. Murdock, who portrayed Big Daddy in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on stage, acts like he’s reading from an entirely different script half the time as he waxes drunken poetic and hams it up with pleasure. Of course, it’s especially prevalent with Norris coming from the Cigar Store Indian School of acting, where Norris is so stoic he makes Bronson seem like Bobcat Goldthwait. At least Murdock holds interest in the typically crazed, country judge role, since all of the other townspeople are so stereotypical & one dimensional that they generate very little interest by comparison. The sound you hear after John Di Fusco’s Arney debuts on screen is the collective smack of flesh on skull after realizing you’re about to be treated to another garden variety “village idiot” and it doesn’t get much better afterwards (the grease monkey mechanic, the slave driver restaurant owner, corrupt policemen and one too many “sons of the soil” populate this area). The film’s lack of budget stifles things as well, with Texas City delightfully resembling one of those Western resort towns with cheap sets & shootouts scheduled every day at noon. Only here, the budget’s so low that there isn’t much in the way of gunplay and the finale only seems to be an excuse to tear the “town” down without springing for what would be the requisite explosive climax (hey, they had to work in that CB lingo in somehow, right?). Other than that, Chuck does what he does best and that’s kick, kick & kick some more. Sadly, the main villain isn’t even given the designated final beating, as the audience is treated to Chuck kicking a drunken Deputy’s ass for way too long (and some Quaalude induced symbolism involving a horse riding free into the sunset) to send everyone home happy. The thing is that final battle seems to encapsulate everything about Breaker! Breaker! into one fell swoop. The execution of the film seems so lazy that if the filmmakers can’t be bothered to put forth a satisfying conclusion, then I can’t see why you should be bothered to see it multiple times.

Body Count/Violence: 2. Of course, if you work in the amount of people Chuck spinkicks into mush, its more like 40-50. There’s plenty a beating thrown in, as well as neck breaking, some shooting, vehicular destruction (including car compacting in a junkyard), window and fence crashing, etc. And kicking. It’s Chuck Norris, so there’s plenty of kicking.

Sexuality/Nudity: Chuck’s shown in bed with the town’s lone dame (Terry O’Connor) but nothing is shown.

Language/Dialogue: Its 1970s era PG, so every mild expletive except for the big F is used. The film would be a mild PG-13 at best today.

How bad was it?:In a career riddled with maligned star vehicles, fan feedback and critics mark this amongst Chuckles’ worst (worst than Top Dog?). Most state that it’s more forgettable than it is bad (though a lot of them state it’s bad, too), though it’s expected since this was released to capitalize on America’s CB craze in the late 70s and those films weren’t exactly torchbearers of five star cinema.

Did it make the studio’s day?:No money figures are known for Breaker! Breaker! but it was released in the States in 5/6/77 through American International, so it was most likely a box office success due to its ultra-low budget.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Perspective:Memorable first viewing story: Every once in a while, I’d set my VCR (back when there were such things) and timer record late night movie showings from WNUV-54 in Baltimore. When Prime Cut came about the TV listings one night, all I saw was “Lee Marvin” and “Gene Hackman” and it was a no brainer to give a look. I watch what I recorded the next day and I noticed something peculiar for a broadcast TV airing…tits! Tits and full frontal nudity! I don’t know if the late night guy at WNUV was asleep at the switch or at the vending machine getting Bear Claws but there was Prime Cut in its unedited, uncensored glory on broadcast TV. Sure, it was the 2 a.m. – 4 a.m. time slot and all of probably six people were watching at the time but it seemed like a pretty big deal to me. And the movie was pretty kickass, too! You like guts? Prime Cut has them and more!

The Plot, as it was:Try this suit (or dress) on for size: Lee Marvin stars as Nick Devlin, a Chicago mob enforcer that’s given an unpleasant surprise…the remains of another mobster in sausage form! He’s the latest victim of Mary Ann (Gene Hackman…yes, Gene Hackman as Mary Ann), a cattle baron that wants to avoid paying his $50,000 debt to the mob. Devlin and a posse of gangsters go down to Kansas City to collect and soon find out that Mary Ann and his hotdog toting brother Weenie (Gregory Walcott) don’t sell just animal meat; they auction off doped up, naked orphaned girls to the highest bidder! Nick rescues a girl named Poppy (Sissy Spacek) and the gangsters soon realize that Midwestern hospitality equates to blond haired farmhands hunting you down with shotguns. However, Nick & Mary Ann have a past with each other (much of it revolving around Nick’s former girl & Mary Ann’s current wife Clarabelle, played by Angel Tompkins) and it’s just a matter of time before the two old friends meet up again for one last showdown.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:Did I even begin to mention how insanely twisted (and therefore, awesome) this film is? Simply put, Prime Cut has more entertainment value in five seconds than some summer blockbusters have in their entire durations. And while it is certainly grade A exploitation fare, it also has elements of dark comedy and satire that push it above even the best of its genre’s era. From the memorable opening credits tour through a slaughterhouse (set to docile muzak by Lalo Schifrin) to the ending shootout, director Michael Ritchie (Fletch, The Bad News Bears) and writer Robert Dillon (99 and 44/100% Dead) keep a decided undercurrent of weirdness to the film. Seriously, did you read the plot description? The most brilliant touch however, may be that the filmmakers never make the mistake of trying to weird things up for the sake of it. The dichotomy of the “city slickers” stepping into the Heartland is buoyed by the novel twist of the country folk displaying the vicious, greedy streak of their urban counterparts (think City Slickers…if Jack Palance decided to invoke the spirit of a serial killer and off Billy Crystal…now, there’s a movie!). All of the odd elements are presented against the backdrop of a seemingly standard, hard boiled thriller and we are lucky to see actors who perform expertly in this environment. Marvin is just quintessential Lee Marvin here, displaying the usual steely, menacing glares with a dry sarcasm that is just effortless. His exchanges with Hackman are memorable and it’s almost a shame there isn’t more interaction with them. As the heavy, Hackman is so gleefully evil that it’s an equal shame that his Mary Ann isn’t given more screen time. Spacek (in her first substantial film role) acquits herself well in the “Boy’s Club” atmosphere, though she is basically the designated “damsel in distress”. However, there are so many iconic scenes & images that it’s very hard to feel cheated. Such surreal images as the opening credits sequence, Mary Ann & Weenie playfully wrestling about the office while accountants rattle off Mary Ann’s sordid practices, Nick treating Poppy (and onlookers) to a revealing dinner or the legendary, Hitchcock-like wheat thresher chase only scratch the surface of how deliciously entertaining and bent this flick gets. It may not be subtle or politically correct (or “art house” fare), but as far as total film experiences go, Prime Cut is a man amongst its peers and one damn good, perversely fun ride.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:- Eddie Egan (Jake) was the real life inspiration of “Popeye” Doyle, the iconic detective played by none other than Gene Hackman in The French Connection.

Body Count/Violence: 15. Its not an overly blood splattered abattoir but Prime Cut is nasty when its time for it to be. For me, it doesn’t get better than Devlin’s muscle swearing vengeance on Mary Ann and his army as they take a ride up a stormy, dirt road, all while Nick is quietly assembling his weaponry in the backseat. That’s some heavy, macho shit right there! The ensuing cornfield/barn shootout counts for most of the dead, with a few splashes of blood for good measure. There’s also some brawling, vehicular mayhem and hot dog attacks (you’ll see!). The opening credit tour isn’t graphic but you still may stave off of sausage & assorted pork products for a while afterwards.

Sexuality/Nudity: Both Spacek & Janit Baldwin (as Violet) are both briefly shown in full frontal nudity, as well as from the back (along with other nude women at the “cattle call”). Both also show off their shapely chests while trying on dresses (excuse the sexist commentary but 1972 Spacek = immaculate rack!) and Sissy’s modeling of said dress is certainly a memorable moment. Tompkins shows some nipple and sideboob (a la Peter Griffith) in a very revealing negligee in her scene with Marvin. There are slight glimpses of pale man ass but not enough to ruin the party.

Language/Dialogue: Not particularly strong, with an S - bomb and a half F -bomb being the most potent.

How bad was it?:Critics are not usually kind to exploitation fare but some seem to give Prime Cut a pass. Ebert gave it *** and promptly noted it as “…a fantasy in which everything is very simple and usually takes place outdoors, and in which the characters act toward each other with great directness and brutality.” Some critics didn’t seem to know what to make of it but most of them certainly made note of its audacity and visual flourishes.

Did it make the studio’s day?:Cinema Center Films (which produced Little Big Man and the first few Charlie Brown theatrical films) released Prime Cut in New York on 6/28/72. No box office/budget figures are available for it, which is common for a low budget feature of the decade. It was only available for a while on an outdated VHS version (last issued in 1985) but Paramount released it on DVD in Widescreen on 6/14/05. It was certainly a welcome addition to my DVD collection, replacing the DVD-R copy I had of that TV airing I mentioned in the beginning.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

The Action Mutant…wanted to see Tony the Tiger and Rob Van Dam duke it out in this film…what a gyp!

Battle Creek Brawl (aka The Big Brawl)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:SEPTEMBER 10, 1980 - I am writing this as The Big Brawl is premiering in New York tonight. It stars this karate cat named Jackie Chan and all I have heard is how great this guy is, how agile and flexible he is and how he does all of his own stuff. What I’d like to know is…can he scale a horse on his own? Can he kick Chuck Norris’ ass? Can he hold his own in a drinking contest? It’s a shame that John Wayne is barely cold in the ground because I’m sure he could show this greenhorn how to don a stallion! Is this guy supposed to be the next “Bruce Lee” or something? We all know that “kung fu” films are dead…it’s all about NINJAS now! And Asians can’t hold their own in EATING contests, let alone drinking contests! And come to find out, this Chan guy is going to have a role in The Cannonball Run…which only stars the world’s greatest actor in BURT REYNOLDS! I predict nothing but Oscars and fat grosses for Burt in the upcoming decade. This Chan guy can only hope one of Burt’s mustache hairs will brush up against him so he can retain a fiftieth of the charisma Burt has! I mean, its not like this Jackie is going to get two…or three chances to make it big here, right?

“Big” Johnny MesaThe Action Molecular Hybrid

The Action Mutant. That’s why we’re an original. (Hey, we don’t have the benefit of the New York Times for advertising. Or the Special Olympics.)

The Plot, as it was:Chan plays Jerry Kwan, a young buck that learns to fight from his uncle Herbert (Mako) in 1930’s Chicago. When he’s not trying to get some loving from his comely girlfriend Nancy (Kristine DeBell), he’s fighting off mobsters that consistently roust his father’s business. Jerry’s fighting skills catch the eye of mob boss Domenici (Jose Ferrer), who offers the young man an interesting proposition. The mob blackmails Jerry into entering a street fighting tournament in Battle Creek, Texas, which the syndicate has a vested interest in. Jerry must face off against many colorful characters, namely Kiss (legendary pro wrestler Hardboiled Haggerty), a brawler that finishes his opponents off with the “Kiss of Death”. And he means it literally!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:It’s not like Battle Creek Brawl (or The Big Brawl, as it was known in America in its initial release; BCB is its alternate/current DVD title, hence the title I’m going with here) is an unlikable movie. On the contrary, some moments resemble some of the broad comedy that would make its way into Jackie’s forays later in the decade. There are the expected training montages, sexual but playful material and goofy fights (and crazy eye for detail…Roller Derby in the 1930s? Guh?). However, it’s the fight choreography that may frustrate hardcore Chan fans from enjoying this like casual fans would. See, even back in the day, Jackie was used to working 110 mph at everything he did. Here, he is working with American actors & stuntmen that are used to the standard 55 mph. Put them together and you get a product with fight scenes that (while fun) are slower and awkward than what both Chan & his audience are used to. This is mainly to do with Warner Bros. putting Pat Johnson in as the fight coordinator, meaning the fights are in the more conventional “roundhouse” punching mode. There’s nothing else remarkable going on either, as the story is nonexistent and the supporting cast doesn’t have much to do. Well, Haggerty does have fun as a snarling villain and he does have the right stache to work with. But really…how did Oscar winner Jose Ferrer get pulled into this? House payment due? Social Security cut off? Money to go to George Clooney’s acting lessons? Aside from adding presence, Ferrer doesn’t do much and all DeBell is there for is to look pretty (which she accomplishes well). Anyway, Jackie does shine in a few moments (his opening scene, the training sequences, the roller derby race etc.) but you would have never gotten the sense that this guy would be something big if you saw this in 1980. He does just enough with his dialogue to get by (he was learning English as the production moved along!) and his scenes with Mako are fun in a familiar “student/teacher” vein. The tournament itself is great, breezy fun and involves more old style slapstick than trademark Chan-fu. Despite an out of place side brawl in a movie theater, you will most likely leave BCB with a grin on your face though Chanonites will wholeheartedly admit this was one of the man’s lesser efforts. Hey, cheer up, though…at least it wasn’t The Protector! That’s another story altogether.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:- This was extra fun for me due to the litany of old school pro wrestlers making cameos. Joining Haggerty is Lenny Montana (the infamous Luca Brasi in The Godfather) as a Mafioso, Ox Baker (red tights and crazy eyebrows & stache), Earl Maynard (the Jamaican) and Gene LeBell as fighters in the tourney and Jeep Swenson (Batman & Robin, Bulletproof) as a thug. There may likely be more but those are all that are listed at IMDB.- Larry Drake (Darkman, Dr. Giggles) is the announcer at the roller derby.

Body Count/Violence: 2. As with the other film the production team for this one is known for (Enter the Dragon), this is kind of open for interpretation. The only confirmed death is when Kiss breaks the Jamaican’s back during their match (whoops!). There is a point in the theater brawl where Jerry kicks a mobster off of a balcony and he lands on some theater seats. Kwan gives him that prolonged “death stare” before he goes about his business, which is why I counted it. Anyway, there is a lot of brawling (surprise), after the fact bloodying, weapon use (including Jackie’s trademark workbench at one point), backbreaking, Roller Derby physicality and some vehicular mayhem.

Sexuality/Nudity: This takes the usual Chan approach of being almost juvenile with its approach towards anything sexual. I would bring up how absolutely no one has a problem with an American woman and a Chinese man being together in 1930s Chicago (though Jerry is called “Chinaman” and “Chink” enough times, I suppose) but it does allow DeBell to be in a sheer white bra in one scene. The less said about Herbert’s fetish, the better. (Note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that DeBell’s initial claim to fame was being in the XXX version of Alice in Wonderland in 1976. Yes, she played Alice. And yes, the Queen wants her head but…well, I’ll just stop there.)

Language/Dialogue: Very mild, with “goddamn” being the most prevalent thing heard. And maybe “bastard” but no one British said it, so I can’t recall for sure.

How bad was it?:Despite what I said about Chan’s most ardent observers pooh-poohing this because of its place in his filmography, most reviews I read gave it pleasant (though not spectacular) praise. A few thought it was too dull as dishwater compared to his other work but the critical response is more favorable now than it was upon its initial release, when all critics heard was of Jackie’s immense reputation and the diminishing results to follow.

Did it make the studio’s day?:Considering it took Chan three opportunities to crack into the American film landscape, it’s safe to say the first time wasn’t the charm. Released by Warner Bros. on 8/29/80 (no budget figures are known), The Big Brawl opened at #1 amongst limited releases leading up to Labor Day by grossing $1.1 million, beating out the venerable Don Scardino classic He Knows You’re Alone. The flick ended its run with a gross of $8.5 million, being a mild success but nowhere near the numbers the studio expected. They figured it would be a hit because a) it was done by the production team that did Enter the Dragon and b) Jackie Chan was Asian and knew Martial Arts. Clever minds, these executives are! BCB also grossed $5.8 million in Chan's homeland of Hong Kong during two weeks in October of 1980. It eventually became a hit in video and can be found on DVD as Battle Creek Brawl on the 20th Century Fox/Fortune Star label.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Action Mutant…isn’t afraid to “tank” it at the box office (or anywhere else for that matter!).

Tank Girl

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:In somewhat continuing from last review, the success of The Dark Knight ($363.7 million and growing) has had all kinds of news media trumpeting that comic book films are all the rage lately. A look at the top 50 films in each year this decade proves the meteoric rise:

2008 (as of 8/4/08):1. The Dark Knight ($394.9 million and counting)2. Iron Man ($315.7 million and counting)10. The Incredible Hulk ($133.3 million and counting)11. Wanted ($131.3 million and counting)23. Hellboy II: The Golden Army ($71.3 million and counting)

Now, aside from an inconsistent start to the decade and a bit of a falloff in ’06, the comic book genre has been very good to studios. Stark contrast to the 90s, where comic book films (aside from the Batman series before it got Schumachered) were as dead as the horror genre before Scream hit the theaters. Several of the projects you see on the list above were in development hell & kicked about for years, with filmmakers being told things like “The climate’s just not right for comic book adaptations right now. Tom Green looks like a more stable choice for our box office future.” For every successful one, there were at several more that were disappointing. Captain America. The Rocketeer. The Shadow. The Phantom. Oh, and Tank Girl. It’s arguable to say whether TG would have been a box office success today but it’s certain that its concepts were ten years ahead of its time. And I should trademark the term “Schumachered”. Perhaps not though; I certainly don’t want to have to use it often.

The Plot, as it was:Lori Petty (Point Break) plays Rebecca Buck aka “Tank Girl”, a sassy, hypersexual, punkish rebel that heads up a group of outlaws that obtain water (which is scarce in the film’s post-apocalyptic setting) from an underground well. The Water & Power company, led by megalomaniacal Kesslee (Malcolm McDowell), doesn’t take kindly to their monopoly being intruded on so they arrive at the house and murder everyone, as well as kidnap Rebecca. After Rebecca and slave mechanic Jet (Naomi Watts) escape the W&P compound, the two trick out a stolen tank and plan to take down the company. Both are also aided by the Rippers, a gang of Kangaroo/Human hybrids that want to end W&P’s water siphoning ring as well.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:When scientists reference that certain video games & cartoons cause children to contract seizures, they should have thrown in Tank Girl into their argument. Throw is exactly what director Rachel Talalay does with the many visual concepts the film sports; she throws in as many as possible so that something always seems to be going on. The problem is that this strategy only accentuates the flick’s lack of focus. Now, I don’t always mind films that come off more like “experiments”. And there are certainly things in the film that just seem to pop out from nowhere (the Cole Porter number at the dance club being the prime example). However, these elements become fewer and far between as the film rolls along and it becomes apparent the anarchic energy & sharper tone (that the comic it’s based on possesses) won’t show up. It comes off more like a “wink and don’t tell” like attitude and the animated segues (the best part of the entire thing) convey the edginess that isn’t sustained throughout. There is no fault from the performers here, as Petty is spot on in the lead. Looking like Gwen Stefani (pre-Tragic Kingdom era) and crossing a personality of Bugs Bunny and a punk rock Lolita, Petty is unconventional throughout & when the film goes the opposite way in the last third. However, her character wanes between resourceful and dim, only so the story can advance along. McDowell plays a variation of the same effete psychopath he’s been typecast as since A Clockwork Orange and even though we’ve all seen it before, you can’t help but grin once or twice at how deliciously evil he is. Unfortunately, Uncle Malcolm isn’t in this very much and by the time Tank & Jet meet the Rippers (Ice-T, Jeff Kober and Reg E. Cathey, amongst others, in elaborate Stan Winston makeup effects), you’re just kind of waiting for it to end. It may be due to the dreaded “studio interference” that Talalay claims she experienced when making Tank Girl. While the film is supposed to be frenetic and colorful, it does come off at times as something that has been hacked away with a chainsaw. Hindsight is 20/20 as to whether Tank Girl would have been better if left to its original version but what is left is a fitfully cheerful, slightly bent and wholly inconsistent tale.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:- Richard Schiff makes his second appearance in this section (Rapid Fire being the first), playing “Trooper in Trench”.- Bongwater/Vulcan Death Grip frontwoman Ann Magnuson is uncredited as “The Madam”.- Courtney Love was the music consultant for the film, going under Courtney Love Cobain. I kinda threw up in my mouth a little bit when I read that.

Body Count/Violence: 46 (plus a buffalo). There is very little blood here, despite the action dominating quite a few scenes. Kesslee uses a suction device that he plunges into people’s backs and extracts their blood and water from their bodies. There is lots of (mostly bloodless) shooting, fights, explosions, a guy ran over by a truck, walking on glass (again, no blood…huh?), after the fact dismemberment and broken necks. Those expecting a flick high on carnage may be disappointed.

Sexuality/Nudity: Thankfully, this film acts as an excuse to get Lori Petty in a lot of sexy, punky outfits, which usually consist of some sort of lingerie, stockings or tight t-shirts. She kisses Watts at one point but it’s nothing to lose sleep over, as the overview of the scene is meant to be comical. There are some scantly clad burlesque dancers in the Cole Porter number and Tank and Booga (Kober) are shown in bed together (though that was toned down by MGM, despite the fact there wasn’t much to it to begin with).

Language/Dialogue: The F-stick is only dropped once and Tank does express some sexual dialogue at times. The film is a very mild R, though (especially considering the genre).

How bad was it?:Critics usually praised its different look but little else, stating it was all mixed up and not real sharp & to the point. Some were discouraged that it lacked that vicious edge that Jamie Hewlett & Alan Martin’s comic source employed. Yet others, like Ebert, claimed it was all energy and little substance, which became too much after a while.

Did it make the studio’s day?:The word “Tank” was certainly appropriate with Tank Girl, as it joined Showgirls in MGM’s 1-2 punch of disappointments for 1995 (good thing Goldeneye and Get Shorty were on MGM’s bill, too!). Filmed on a $25 million budget, it premiered on 3/31/95 and thudded to 10th place with $2 million (though it was only in a little over than half of the number of theaters the #1 debut film Tommy Boy was in). It then tumbled to 15th the next weekend, taking in a paltry $700,428 and finishing up soon afterwards with a final gross of $4.1 million. Quite a cult following has developed for the film since its initial release & has led to new fans of the comic that inspired it.