30/10/2017

FEAR – ANXIETY – DEPRESSION

I have been UP, and I have been DOWN, and both planes of existence are exclusive neither in appearance nor functioning, but by experiencing.

There is one thing I will say experiencing these states, and their in-betweens. The DOWN occurs more often than the UP, and from within the Down planes of experience there exists a cornucopia of revelations making one appear wise while appearing to survive being viewed by superficial plane functioning.

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27/10/2017

CONTEMPLATING FEAR 2.

To where I am going is as uncertain as my preparedness, since whence I came is fraught with adventures rife with drama. There were the emergence, a sibling followed by a separation, then divorce, which were but the tip of the iceberg; not dissimilar to many of you reading this journal.

Those earlier years were transient and any notion of stability not only did not exist, but also were the origins of my restlessness in later years. This trait kept me on the move, while happily exposing me to Nature as counter-balance. Amidst all the uncertainties of placement in home and family life, there was the addition of separation between age seven and eight.

By age eight, my younger sibling and I were relocated to live among strangers for a period of time, which amounted to four years. We lived in three residents with the guardian and a changing household in those four years to which a fourth was added by transiting to our paternal grandparents home. Our maternal relations were scattered here and abroad. Nothing was revealed in preparation for moving, but this lasted only one year and we were again relocated. This time a migration by air, an eight hour flight, reuniting with our matriarch to her matriarch’s home.

This reunion was an interim position, and we were once again on the move. In the six years that followed we were to experience five residences, after departing our maternal grandmother’s home. Thereafter, I relocated to a university out of town, which lasted one year due to inadequate counselling.

Returning from an unsuccessful year away, I entered a different residence. More transiency ensued, but due to early childhood exposures to unstable living this uncertainty was my normal in spite of how it might have appeared to onlookers. I was in that new residence for two years when conditions again changed and I was forced to relocate. There I was to begin the learning of the foundations to my early childhood conditions attributing to my restlessness, and other behaviours, misinterpreted by others according to their lifestyle biases. I unexpectedly resided there for ten years, the longest I had lived anywhere in my then thirty years of life.

Doing the Math: approximately ten locations in thirteen years in the country where I was born; and, in the country I now reside in, nine separate residences by the time I was thirty. The total being nineteen places-of-residence all told, with no one the wiser as Life had us all busy in survival mode while unaware of our similarities because of specifics.

Where the residences were concerned, I have slowed down with the motor still revving in other areas as I learn by and bye of other troublesome aspects.

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24/10/2017

CONTEMPLATING FEAR ~ 1.

Identifying a fear that’s deep-rooted is an awakening, of sorts. Question is, what to do with the insight, and how to act moving forward?

I awake many mornings feeling anxious and afraid. I now know the origins, and I fight the related paralysis having gained these insights. Realizing there were early contributing factors, one being I was looked to as the remaining ‘man in the house’ after ‘the other man’ of the house departed. I was a two year old man in the making, with the unknowing of a two year old, unprepared to carry the pervasive sentiments and associated understandings of those in need for emotional outlets. I responded accordingly, absorbing what was expressed.

To contextualize this reference; a long time ago, in a place a few thousand miles south from where I’m writing, “Happily ever after” was not a mutually existing thought in the mindset of those involved in my conception. Is it ever in the minds of young adults, in spite of seeing it expressed in mediums? At least, not with the rudiments required resulting from adequate and sensible exposures. A family life of comfort and security, containing underlying tenuous sensations, were to reside after my emergence until there was the heralding in of my sibling, two-months shy of my two-years emergence celebration.

The underlying uncertainties became certainties a short while after my sibling’s emergence. There was a separation, followed by a divorce of the two conception participants. These circumstances in which I resided were without fanfare and excitement, yet held kindly circumnavigations from which I was to learn things that complimented my adult years, plus and minus in my life-ledger.

What was to follow would make for quite the adventure tale, albeit with the same outcomes into which I had emerged in this world. Life had seen fit to pour out much in the department of accommodating the emotional needs of others, and I was only too willing to accept these outpourings. My beginnings prepared me to rise to the call of service, and it is in this serving that I was provided the means to varying levels of comfort upon surviving moving forward.

I arrived/emerged unknowingly into conditions for which I was unprepared, and circumstances/conditions that constantly reveal opportunities for amazing life adventures. Here, I am growing through yet another reorientation, as best that I’m able and willing to learn, surviving challenging obstacles.

Here I go/grow …

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21/10/2017

BEING EARNEST c.1973 2.

A pleasant conversation was shared during the ride to where I resided, dropped off with cordial, knowing parting pleasantries. We entered my basement abode with peaked anticipation and exhilaration; at least, that was our outward sense albeit tempered with a little something.

I dimmed the lights to enable our caressing, kissed and conversed in what felt an endless and most seductive flow. Then, there came this sudden burst of teary expression catching, once again, me off-guard. This, a few years after my initial exposure to restrictions in another long ago, cross-cultural liaison attempt. This time there wasn’t a father voice whispering admonishing restrictions limiting our connection, as far as I knew. Yet, this was another conditioned to accent on this familiar causality. I was to learn another spin regarding my ethnic affliction, not benefitting my want to engage in this unsanctioned and socially oppressed relationship.

She revealed through her tearful words I was the first black male she felt drawn to have intimate relations, appealing enough to dare that social barrier crossing. However, she was not courageous enough to do it stone-cold, sober; hence, the joyous excessive drinking I witnessed. On the other hand, being aware of her inebriated state, I was unwilling to have this the condition our first intimate engagement.

Nonetheless, I had inadvertently sabotaged my ‘sure thing’ having her served too much coffee, which affected her blurred, socially constructed restrictive lines. Now, she no longer felt able to follow-through on our mutually wanton desires and tearfully apologized, and awaited my response.

Raised in a matriarchal setting, femininized at a tender age, I demonstrated more understanding and accommodation than she expected. Being raised by a single mother, with a younger sister; having grown-up a boarding/foster-home with a primarily female/sister-like household, it was second nature to accepted her sorrowful train in spite of my apparent coital losings. We shared engaging pleasantries, while I transitioned my longings into filial-like conversation awaiting the taxi-cab I called.

The night ended with a warmly, good-bye kiss and I watched her depart in the taxi-cab, never to be seen again.

She might have snuck back into the club with me unaware, and unseen; but, as far as memory serves, we never again set eyes on or engaged one another directly. I moved on, as was my way of engaging other opportunities that were to teach me more of what this society was about.

Life, in all its vicissitudes that I could recognize, and with all of its kindly issues by which I was to grow, and am growing.

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18/10/2017

BEING EARNEST c. 1973 ~ 1.

She walked into the bar room commanding attention by her natural beauty to which I was innately susceptible. Ashen blonde hair played upon her shoulders as a result of her stride, promoted a sway through her hips, accented by pouting lips beneath sparkling grey-blue eyes.

I was on duty, the lone doorman in a lively, friendly establishment where food and drink were accompanied by the ‘Octoberfest Express’ band with whom I occasionally sang a few tunes to the delight of its patrons.

On this night, I took it upon myself to present positive image with the benefit of my residency, expressing particular interest accorded her effect on me. This appeared to bear fruit with her drawing closer to me throughout the evening. She became expressive in her regard for me showing joyful exuberance among her accompanying friends.

My desire grew the more, as the evening drew to a close. It became apparent, she favoured sharing the night together. Our mutual interest increased, instead of waning. I felt the moments slowed towards the end of the evening, yet filled with music all its own as I completed my nightly duties, securing the premises before closing. While in the performance of my duties, I requested a server provide coffee while she waited with a mutual anticipation of our passionate intentions.

As the doors closed, farewells were shared between staff; band-members, owners and servers, while I regarded my lovely lady-in-waiting. Not too long after, we stepped out into the night air and was provided a ride home by a staff member who witnessed our enamoured glow throughout the evening.

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16/10/2017

INTRA-PERSONAL !??

In the Toronto Star, 11th or 12th of October, I happened upon a few local stories tucked in the midsection of the latter part of a latter-section of the papers after the knee-jerk intentional headlines. I copied them onto my Blackberry for later use to text to friends. I habit I got into doing, when one of these friends said an email would suffice as he prefers brief notices. Thinking FaceBook, as well, I decided to put them on my blog-site whereby they would not be inconvenienced.

So, here we are. I would like you to ask yourself a few questions about the Life you are living, in the manner you are living It which only you have most intimate knowledge. Even your ‘private’ thoughts, ones you never shared for whatever your reasoning. Ask yourself when/how I present you these ‘local’ items:

– 50yr old TTC worker pinned by a rail workcar dies: who was he really; family man, parent/sibling/relative, friend, lover, how was he regarded in spite of the particulars leading to his demise?

16yr old killed in a school parking lot: who was he; who were his parents/siblings/relatives, friends and other associates, and how was he regarded in spite of being so violently diminished?

15yr stabbed and 4 are arrested in connection: who was s/he; who were the parents/siblings/relatives, friends and other associates, and how was the care and regard in spite of the motivations for the 4 to do such damage?

30yr old man’s death on Thanksgiving ruled suspicious55yr old Olympic boxer Shawn O’Sullivan found after reported missing that Monday: I recall when he was in the news daily for quite some time, as was the likes George Chuvalo and Sweet Daddy Siki; but, who remembers him now save his family/sibling/relatives, friends and associates, and the medical professionals somewhat caring for him regarding his former glory when today’s glorified are out there to feast upon?

Ask yourself, is this what Life is about, the reason for the great chase ongoing which fosters the population growth rate to overcrowding; the rat-race for the elusive fortune and fame, that once acquired, depending on how acquired will determine how it will be spend should you survive? I look at all my worldly goods and feel the weight of them, the gravity of them that I am determined to escape! There are, of course, other restrictions to that elusive freedom many feel inclined to claim worth fighting and dying for; and, with all the philosophies, secular to spiritual, we are no nearer to becoming Human Beings!

Ask yourself, how is that? What roles do we each play, are meant to play or choose to play while among the living? Ask yourself, while you traverse through your days?

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13/10/2017

HUMAN LIFE CYCLE in this TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM

Upon entry we begin our lessons in learning all that our body/mind/spirit consciousness can acquire/use/share engaged in tasks of our choosing, so to speak.

After a Time in this Space Continuum, some of us are given the opportunity to un-learn what we have acquired/used/shared, at times graciously or ungraciously according to the level/quality of living experienced.

Although, some of us are ushered out of this Time/Space Continuum System earlier than expected, to the shock/sadness/surprise to those gifted with varying stays of longevity, the processing experiences accorded to those in the long-lasting collective are seldom recorded/accorded the learning opportunities by those incoming or still processing through.

What appears recognized is but a superficial acknowledgement of their forebears ending. Only the beginnings of expectant departures, and beneficial heritage leftovers, are desired by those transitioning along what they dread as their own inimitable way, following behind those that have gone before.

What do your lessons reveal, as you tread along your path?

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10/10/2017

SIDE-EFFECT AFFLICTION

“Resistance is futile”, is a phrase that dogged my mind while abiding anxiety fearing the restoration of my condo comforts rife with random setbacks experienced over a period of 13yrs. The latter 5yrs were excruciatingly painful made the more difficult being punctuated by prefect storm misadventures.

One a hypertension episode development resulting in my collapse aided by other Life issues, social and occupation contributions inclusively. Later, came medications with intrinsic side-effects which cultivated insomnia that compromised judgments, giving way to a timeshare purchase and auto accident. These and others will require longterm effort at recovering.

It’s been a year since these perfect storm events and, as each week presses on, my mornings are interspersed with anxious wakings bringing challenges to each day’s activities.

Still, I sally forth with comprehensive observations of goings on in local to international affairs. You see, I am of the understanding that my goings on is but a microcosm of the macrocosm in spite of particular hardships I endure.

Things can get worse, therefore I make no bones about what concerns me that which I would not trade with another because my skillset are particularly designed for my peculiar Path. A path especial to my past; no one else’s, or so it appears.

Here we go/grow; ‘be seeing you’ …

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07/10/2017

Suspicions

Have you ever experienced, as I have, being used in frenemies agendas and/or in data collection for professionals’ theoretical processes? You know, having experiences that turn up as statistics in a ‘study’ that you had no idea you were a probable participant?

Similarly, being asked a favour by many you considered friends only to discover you were a means to an end on which you were neither consulted nor rewarded according to the part you played in the game-plan you uncovered? If you inquire as to their motive you are fed the cursory line, “That’s the way business, the way things are/work”?

Disclosure is far from being a courtesy, much less customary; reimbursement through litigation is a price waived by removing oneself from their company, moving on with one’s Life and salvaging what remains for our own uses. I don’t know if you can imagine my dismay, in spite of knowing about it, upon overhearing a casual input, “It’s better to as for forgiveness than for permission”?

So much for enlightened encounters, save our own accountability and comprehension of complicity while moving on from experiences. Unfortunately, not many of us learn only to repeat the scenario which can be quite costly by the domino effect caused in our ignorance/naivety.

On what part of the Spectrum are you, and where do we go from here?

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04/10/2017

CROSS-CULTURAL DATING c. 1968

My first ‘official’ cross-cultural dating experience began in high school, albeit movie influenced, unbeknownst to her and I at the time. We were both on the cusp on adulthood when we met, appearing in a Christmas event where we exchanged feelings in greeting.

We became an item, and that became an edifying experience in my growing awareness of our ethnic difference and its impact. Our passion for one another grew. I was in a state of euphoria, influenced by being raised on movie scripts, not actual role-models, believing what we felt was a true romance, albeit my first while getting situated in this new country .

It was during one evening of passionate embraces my bliss was interrupted when she began crying. She then revealed to me that, although we could continue our experience it was not to get serious. Her father’s advice.

I did not fully grasp what was being intimated and, on further consideration during introspection without adequate counsel, I felt blindsided and hurt.

I was being told what I felt had no prospect for a future, a strange insertion into my consciousness. We moved forward, our passion grew into coitus with a little voice whispering inside my head, “This is not serious”, doubting yet blind that she might be unaware of the impact of her father’s advice.

Without discussion, I was unable to gage how she really felt but my mind had already been altered, not to mention all the other distracting input of ethnic Life issues/influences impacting me being a newcomer to this country.

Needless to say, in Time these stifled feelings grew into a restlessness; and, feeling despondent I ended our romance in my confused state.

Family economic issues led the way into a much needed distraction, as I was called to augment my single mother’s income in raising two teenagers and struggling to make ends meet. I substituted romance for employment, which overshadowed and dulled the pain, distancing what once was but emerging now and again to be a sad remembrance.