For about $12 a pop, the NFLPA is selling Halloween masks of 17 NFL players. I would phrase that as “stars” but they included Brett Keisel, who is the owner of a beard much more famous than himself. Anyway, this at once delightfully random and a little unsettling. Nevertheless, the potential for NFL-related humor is limited only by your imagination and desire to mess with others.

Let’s examine the options, shall we?

RAY LEWIS

Scare rating: ****

Potential high jinx: Beyond the obvious stab spree and stupid dancing, feel free to jump on the candy of others long after they took the trouble to collect it.

Scare rating: *

Potential high jinx: Scold others about the pagan origins of the holiday while abstaining from taking candy and/or sex. Alternately, great for ironic use by the gays while touching on each other.

Scare rating: *

Potential high jinx: Get picked on by people wearing blind scab refs disguises; tell everyone dressed as a pirate that you thought about getting an eyepatch first.

Scare rating: *

Potential high jinx: Find the kid with the peanut allergy and force feed him your Snickers; wear UGGs and a dog collar; have friends litter the area with yellow flags if someone touches you.

Scare rating: ***

Potential high jinx:Tilt your head at a skewed angle all night to show off your NeckAIDS. Bring an assortment of products to each household and hector people about purchasing options. Make houses compete with each other to give you the most candy. Don’t accept until one offers $96 million in candy.

Scare rating: [No stars]

Potential high jinx: Receive the most candy because parents assume that you’re so winsome that this must be your first Halloween, you cute little tyke; ask for antique furniture in lieu of candy.

Scare factor: *

Likelihood that some kid from Herndon, Virginia wears this and paints his arms black: *************

Potential high jinx: Drop every piece of candy placed in your hands; laugh as people complain that you’re being phased out of Halloween.

Scare rating: **

Potential high jinx: Inspire loathing from every household; get beaten out for candy by kids in Tebow mask; try to crash high schoolers Halloween parties for chicks.

Scare rating: *

Potential high jinx: Have everyone make a big deal when you get candy from 48 consecutive houses; say really complimentary things about everyone’s costume.

Scare rating: **

Potential high jinx: When someone opens their door to greet you, knock them over and barrel through their home breaking furniture and screaming incoherently; ghost ride a whip through the streets.

Scare rating (mask): *

Scare rating (creepy hair): ***

Potential high jinx: Cross yourself and say something softly about Jesus after each house; get a ton of candy from four houses then miss the rest of the night because of injury.

Scare rating: **

Potential high jinx: Laugh it off when everyone asks if you’re Santa.

Scare rating: **

Potential high jinx: Make the girls who cam dressed as slutty puppies fight for money; make Philly fans scream for a Mike Foles mask.

Scare rating: *

Potential high jinx: Steal candy from others and write your name on it; wear Superman costume over body, fail to get much candy and sulk really hard about it.

Scare rating: *

Randomness rating: ****

Potential high jinx: If you’re actually Jason Witten, you can wear this mask and people still won’t know who you are; get mask knocked off and continue to lumber for 25 yards while announcers gush over your toughness.

This seems like as good a point as any to say that I was pretty disappointed by the SI.com profile of Rivers that says that he’s a nice person. Is there any way the gay mafia can hack the site, and put up a true, no punches pulled bio of Marmalard?

The Tony Dungee mask. Get a Gollum mask from the Dollar Store (Yoda will do in a pinch), spray it down with Thompsen’s Wood Sealer and lightly set fire to it. When fully engulfed suppress fire with a tennis racket. Allow to cool and enjoy!