(Closed) not sure what to do. (very long)

I’ve been with my Fiance for nearly 3 years. I’m early twenties, and he’s a few years older than me. We got engaged around 6 months ago, and had spoken about marriage from early on. We’re not getting married for a year or so, and we haven’t put deposits down.

When I met my Fiance, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to date him, as I was coming out of a bit of a wild phase with guys after some hurt in the past. He seemed SO reliable, SUCH a gentleman, and honestly he was. He took me on nice dates, treated me to nice gifts and flowers, introduced me to his family early on, got on really well with my family. I’m notorious for choosing strong, silent types and he really fits this bill. Anyway after a year or so, the sex became a lot less frequent, and everything got pretty comfortable. I was pretty happy with it all, wasn’t sure when the honeymoon phase usually wore off, but assumed after year or so, the whole crazy sex in the /kitchen/car/etc. usually slows down a lot. The thing that began to bother me though, was that along with less sex, he stopped giving me affection without me requesting it. He still kisses me on the head in bed when he goes to work, or gives me a peck when he’s going out with friends or whatever – the sort of thing you do with family members.

When he proposed, I was happy, though we and most of our friends and family knew it was coming and it obviously wasn’t a huge exciting surprise. Since getting engaged around six months ago, we’ve had sex three times. Yep, you read that right. I’ve been feeling massively disheartened but have never questioned his loyalty, because for anyone that knows him, he is NOT that sort of guy. I figured his sex drive was limping a little, and that at some point we’d have sex more. We have such fun together, just kicking back, doing nothing, that sex didn’t seem so important to me.

The kissing/hugging was getting too much for me though. Having to physically hold your fiance’s face and ask him to kiss you (as in with tongue/open mouth or whatever) really hurts, and makes you feel like shit. We discussed it a couple of times, and he just said that he was happy with how we are and that he would try to make more of an effort with romantic stuff. Everytime we discuss it, he is sweet and loving for a couple of days and then straight back to normal. When he does reciprocate with affection, it feels forced.

It was all getting really upsetting a couple of weeks ago, so I arranged to drive down and visit my family in my hometown. (I’m currently studying in the town Fiance and I live in, we rent a property from his parents who are wealthy and invested in properties.)

I had some time to chill out with friends and have a nice time, and my parents liked chatting about the wedding next year and so on. We texted a few times a day, and I eventually brought up the fact that the reason I had gone to visit them was to avoid the situation at home as it was upsetting me. Despite me explaining what was upsetting me – lack of romance, lack of sex, general lack of happiness) he kept insisting that nothing was wrong with our relationship. He said if I really wanted we could talk when I came home. Then I did come home, and it wasn’t mentioned, though I tried to bring it up a couple of times. I’ve been crying a least once a day, for a couple of months, from him pushing me away, from him ignoring my ‘i love you’ or ‘i missed you today’ and so on.

This weekend I was feeling a bit all over the place, and thought I’d give it a go at injecting a bit of romance, and we rented a car, got some food and drove to the beach. He didn’t look at me the whole time, we chatted, listened to the radio, when we finished eating I tried to give him a cuddle and he started the car up and we went home. We ended up watching a movie with some raunchy bits and I was a little in the mood but he wasn’t interested and he went to bed early without me. Today, I went out for lunch with a friend, and then came up. He passed me his tablet so that I could add the food I wanted to our online shopping order and I accidentally went off the page I was using. I pressed the internet icon and it came up with a different page than the one I had been on and it had thumbnails of pages that had recently been open. Every single one of them was either porn, or flirt/chat/date sites. Now the porn, I have no problem with that all, and I fully understand that wanting to watch porn is normal and I do it all the time. However, my Fiance had always been adamant that he isn’t interested in porn, despite me encouraging him to look at it as much as he wants. So either he’s been lying, or this new use of porn is the reason he won’t go near me sexually. But obviously, more concerning than that is the flirt sites. I started bawling of course, and asking him why he had gone on them. He told me they were pop ups, but I know what pop ups look like and they just weren’t, they had specific girls’ names and locations that he would have had to search for. He didn’t so much as follow me to tell me he hadn’t searched them, just sat and watched tv while I was sobbing in our bedroom.

After a while, I came out and he started saying that I was accusing him, that I was lazy, and that I never tidy up when he asks me to, I never go to the gym when he wants me to etc. etc. I will put my hand up and say I can be lazy with chores and everything, but is that a reason to treat your girlfriend like a roommate or a stranger? At this point he’s sat on the sofa near me, and the conversation has halted with him saying he 100% hasn’t talked to other girls, online or otherwise, and when I asked him if he was still in love with me (because I don’t think that he is) he said that he’s ‘trying hard to’ but he does ‘still love me’.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for from you lovely bees, but I’ve been trying not to write this post for a few months, and this big blow out has left me no option. FYI I don’t talk to my friends about our relationship, as I’ve tried to keep our relationship between us, because usually when you ask friends/family for advice, they form opinions, and feel that they’re allowed input into the situations.

IDK bees, I’m just trying to figure this out. I can’t imagine being without him, and I love him so much, and I wish I could be happily planning our wedding but I just don’t know what on earth to do. If possible, can no one suggest counselling, because it’s not an option (very pricey and unaccessable in our area)

@hiddenbee92: If you want your relationship to work, you and your fiance need to discuss your intimacy issues. My fiance and I had huge intimacy issues which he stood by me during and we are still working through. We ended up using some counselling which gave us an environment where we were forced to confront those issues and work on them regularly. (It was also affordable because they had a sliding scale.)

Since you said counselling was not an option, I would like to outline the main benefits of the counselling and what you can maybe do without going to it to work on this.

1. A weekly counselling appointment required dedication – Instead, set a time to work through these issues and discuss them at bare minimum weekly. Since we had to both go to the appointment, we both needed to buy into what we were doing and be willing. If he is not willing to work on it, you won’t get anywhere.

2. Evaluate the relationship because if you are already having these problems, it might never change 100%. – Is it worth working on together?

3. The counsellor asked uncomfortable questions we couldn’t escape. – Maybe both write down questions or issues you need to resolve?

If you guys can’t use counselling, I strongly recommend you set a safe zone to discuss all this without being accusatory. Don’t treat it as one person’s fault.

But he needs to be willing to work on this. Going on flirt and porn sites and then having no libido for his real partner is a HUGE red flag. If he isn’t willing to work on this and make an effort, you should be willing to look at walking away even though it is difficult.

@hiddenbee92: I’m so sorry. I think all relationships have natural ebbs and flows and all relationships have phases that take a lot of work. They aren’t always fun but in my opinion, it should always be worth it and have both people making an effort.

You said you have no problem with porn but I can see that it has become a problem if your partner is using it as a substitute for physical intimacy with you. The fact that he is looking at more interactive type sites is another huge red flag.

It doesn’t sound like you are happy and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to make the effort to change. It takes two people, not just one. It would be hard to leave now but harder to get a divorce. He will only keep treating you this way if you let him.

I’m so sorry! I’m not sure what I’d do but I hope that finding the sites on his computer isn’t making you crazy! I hope that he’s making a real effort to sort things, him talking about cleaning and things sounds a bit ‘blamey’!

I’m really sorry darling, that sounds so difficult. Sending you lots of hugs. I am racking my brain trying to suggest something other than counselling, but if you can make a sacrifice with the distance and cost, I think it’s really important in this situation. It sounds like you both feel wronged, and you really need an impartial party here. If he’s the ‘strong, silent type’ and suddenly exploding with these specific and arguably petty complaints, it sounds as though you may be good at communicating with him but it doesn’t work both ways. He might need something like this to help him learn to express himself. Does he sulk? A more chronic form of resentment can easily fester for somebody like that.

It’s very hard to know if this is cold feet, a dip in the relationship, or a real drifting apart. You have still got time to either fix this, or realise that it’s not going to work. Don’t panic and stay strong. I would advise against putting any deposits down right now, if you have to push back the wedding a bit in the long run so be it. You want to be going into this on a solid foundation.

@hiddenbee92: I’m sorry you are going through this. If this was me I would take it as him losing interest and I would leave. I’m not sure counseling would really change anything and this Is coming from someone who has been going to couples counseling since 6 months in. some relationships lose steam and it’s no ones fault, in this case it’s good you haven’t married and had children. Some guys just can’t go the distance with anyone and it’s a good thing you know now while it’s supposed to be the “honeymoon period”

Thank you all so much, it’s good to know I’m not being crazy with wanting more from him.

Since my first post… he gave me a huge cuddle last night and I was crying and he was telling me he definitely hadn’t spoken to anybody else, and he kissed me and was really affectionate, and suggested ‘make up sex’ and said he was horny, but honestly, I think I would have cried all the way through, or just thrown up. Back when he was affectionate, I used to think it was really sweet when he gave me cuddles or whatever, but now it’s just making me feel sick because I don’t know what to think. FYI we didn’t have sex.

This morning I was still feeling weird, although the evening had ended okay, watching tv and chilling out. I sat in the living room for a bit, and when I walked back into the bedroom he was on his tablet and I went to sit down next to him and he quickly closed the page he was on and started playing a game. Also I’m not sure but he moved his hands when I walked in and it looked like he had had them under the covers… if you get what I mean. I might have imagined it because of what was on my mind, but IDK.

Anyway, we went into town to pick up a couple of things and I couldn’t speak the whole time, and kept crying but I couldn’t speak to him. He kept asking me what was wrong and trying to hold my hand, but it was all making my skin crawl and I just don’t know where my head is at.

I feel completely alone and I still have no idea what to do. I won’t be making any moves towards the wedding at the moment, I’ve taken my engagement ring off and put it in its box.

You poor thing, that’s so shitty. They say your relationship is as good as it’s ever going to be when you’re dating, it won’t magically get better just because you’re married. I would call things off now and find someone who appreciates you.

I’ll be blunt: these are pretty enormous problems. And I don’t think the way your Fiance handled himself in the blowup speaks very highly for him.

If he’s having difficulties with his sex drive, that needs to be an open, honest conversation that doesnt’ end up with it being your fault somehow. If he’s not attracted to you, so be it, but he has to admit that. If it’s something medical or whatever, that needs to be investigated and hopefully solved.

If he has issues with chores, or if he wants the two of you to be healthy, there are ways of discussing those as well, without him blaming you.

Personally, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I would consider seriously whether this man could make me happy– even if this bad phase ends.

The fact that he’s making your skin crawl? BAD SIGN.

Keep us posted, OP! And please take care of yourself here. I dont’ trust your Fiance to do it, frankly.

@hiddenbee92: Just a thought regarding the flirt sites – he seems pretty adamant. I didn’t see them of course, but it is actually possible that they were popups. It is very easy for these sites to detect the location you are browsing from and tailor the results to include girls in that area as if you were searching for them. And they’re very common on porn sites.

I feel like it might be controversial advising you to do further investigation; there are obviously bigger issues at play in your relationship, but it seems like whether this site access was intentional or not is a big deal for you and you can’t trust him enough to take his word for it right now. If it will put your mind at rest and allow you to move forward, then you should perhaps look into it. One way for you to tell might be to go to the same porn sites he was on and see if you get anything similar come up for you. If he’s browsing on home wifi, you could also access the router logs, depending on what you use; it will show you absolutely everything that has been accessed on your connection from any device within the requested timeframe. You can’t delete this, as with your device’s internet history. You can see if the times those pages were accessed coincided with the times the porn was clicked on, again indicating popups. You can tell that he was clicking around within the site if there is uninterrupted accessing of the domain. Not only that, but you can also see how often he is accessing porn, the times and the patterns, and therefore whether it really is a question of low libido and you not being around when he does get the urge, or a real migration of his desire away from your sex life and onto his computer. That will probably tell you all you need to know.

@hiddenbee92: this relationship sounds really unhealthy for you. What’s worse is that he seems fine with the status quo and discounts your feelings, shows you no affection, blames you for flirting (or worse) with other women, says he’s not in love with you. You deserve so much better, everyone does. I hope you move on.