Movie/TV Industry Jokes

I take credit for none of these jokes. (Oh, okay, one
of these jokes.) They have been collected from various sources
over the years. Some were told to me years ago. Most have been
E-mailed to me over the net. Many have been published elsewhere.
All I've done is collect these industry jokes into one place.

If you know of a good industry joke that's not listed here,
please E-mail it to me so I can include it in future revisions of
this page. Otherwise, enjoy.

New Stuff and Fun Links

Q: What's the difference between God and a DP?
A: God doesn't think he's a DP.

Everyone who has ever worked on a film should definitely check out these
links for some really FUNNY videos of "The Reel Truth" in
filmmaking.

Section 1
Light Bulb Jokes and other one liners

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done
that."

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's electric's job

Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute,
blonde?

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.

Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?

Q: How many Superstar Actor's does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One: They just hold it and the whole world revolves around
them.

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light
bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle
holder...

Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he
looked doing it.

Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the
last job.

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

Q: How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been
asked.

Q: How many PA' does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?

Q: How many over eager PA's does it take to screw in a li...
A: Done!
(Note: When telling this out loud to someone the joke is to wait
for them to start asking "How ma...?" then cut 'em off
with "Done!"

Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in
a hot tub.

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole
"light bulb" thing.

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the
faucet.

Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: WHAT?

Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see
I'm busy!

Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

Q: How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be
screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"

Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.

Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: November.

Q: What did the Production Manager give his kids for
Christmas?
A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next
one.

Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.

Q: How many screenwriters to make "Ishtar" a good
movie?
A: One more than they had.
(Feel free to substitute any current bad movie.)

From the mini-series "Moviola," an acrtress
commenting on a director's last film :
"I could swallow a can of Kodak and puke a better movie than
that."

Section 2
Long Narrative and Anecdotal jokes

"A Visit from my Agent"

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his
neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire
trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems
that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was
here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your
dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief... "My agent came to my house?"

"The Devil and The Agent"

The Devil tells a Hollywood Agent, "Look, I can make you
richer, more famous, and more successful than any agent alive. In
fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived."

"Well," says the agent, "what do I have to do
in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me
your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the
souls of your children, the souls of your children's children
and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all
your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the agent says cautiously,
"What's the catch?"

"God's Chosen Director"

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the
greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing
for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and
is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.

"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the
director. "But God himself has called you home. You see, God
wants you to direct a movie for Him."

The great man is humbled, "God wants ME to direct a
film?"

"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And we've arranged
to have the best of everything made available to you. For
example, the script is by William Shakespeare."

The director is stunned, "An original screenplay by
William Shakespeare?"

"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his
greatest work ever."

"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.

"Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've
got Leonardo Da Vinci doing the sets, your musical score will be
an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast
includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all
time in supporting roles."

The Director can't believe it. "This is incredible,"
he says. "This will be the greatest movie ever?"

St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet. "Well," he
says, "we do have one tiny little problem."

"Problem?" says the director. "What kind of a
problem?"

St. Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder,
"Ya see," he whispers, "God's got this
girlfriend..."

"Studio Hell"

A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him
around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the
latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc. Director
thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is
this good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie
studio. The Director is confused. "Then what's the
difference," he asks.

Satan smiles. "Well, in heaven they actually *make*
movies."

"What's in a Name?"

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the
newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him
the big names they've gotten for the cast.

"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson
in the lead."

The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"

"Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got
Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but
he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got
Redford."

"You got Robert Redford?" the director asks.

"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and
has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater.
But," he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand
and in a singing role."

Attending a union convention in Las Vegas a union lighting man
decides to visit a bordello. He goes into the first place, the
ladies are lovely, and he asks the Madam, "Is this a union
establishment?"

"Why, no, it isn't," the Madam replies.

"Well," the Union Man asks, "what percentage of
the take goes to the girl?"

"We split the money, 20 percent to the girl and 80
percent to the house."

Feeling that wasn't a fair split the man left and went to
another establishment. Again he asked the same questions and
received a similar response. Although not a union house the split
rate at this one was 30 percent to the girl and 70 percent to the
house.

He continued his trek for some time until, finally, he came
upon a Union House. "That's wonderful," he says to the
Madam, "and what's the split?"

"We give 80 percent to the girl and keep just 20 percent
for the house."

The Man is overjoyed. "Fantastic," he says, finally
satisfied. Immediately he spots an attractive young blonde and
indicates her to the Madam. "I'd like to have her
please," he declares.

"Oh, I'm sure you would," the Madam replies, but she
instead redirects him to an aging, overweight woman in the
corner, "But I'm afraid Ethel here has seniority."

"Reviews"

It's not exactly a joke, but one of the funniest movie reviews
I ever read is reported to have appeared in The New York Times
for the film "Chitty-Chitty, Bang Bang."

The entire review read: "It went bang bang and it was
chitty!"

It is matched in my opinion only by the famous music review
that went (paraphrasing here) something like this: The
Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra played Beethoven last night.
Beethoven lost."

"Other People's Money"

A producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His
partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the
meeting go?" asks the first guy.

"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino
will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for
eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty
million."

"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.

"There's just one catch," his partner warns.

"What's the catch?"

"We have to put up ten thousand in cash," his
partner replies.

"The Death of Elvis"

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big
news: "Elvis just died!"

The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good
career move."

"Any Club That'd Have Me for a
Member..."

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was
an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have
said "Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to
prove it!"

"Hell's Rewrite"

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent
behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven
or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid
says "Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where
people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene
bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty
boring but nice. What's Hell like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and
sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking
and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a
great time.

"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try
Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to
push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to
take him to hell.

When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks
around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees.
Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain,
drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks
piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the
up button and goes right back to Sid."

"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the
monitor! It was awful down there!"