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I have a new camera. Gifted. A lovely generous gift And it’s giving me fits. Not only is operating it presenting a challenge, but downloading to my computer and then to Picassa. Computer simply not recognizing the files. Downloaded a driver. Yes. Did that. Did all sorts of things. Tried the wi-fi route. Did the hard wire usb from camera to computer. Nothing was working. No thing worked. Posted on forums. Reloaded Picassa. Contacted Sony. Amazed myself at both the depth of frustration I succumbed to, as well as my detachment from it all on some other level. “F*%^ it ” expressed several–no, many–times. Watching self acting out. Thinking “isn’t this something?” And yesterday I have no idea what I did but suddenly I had current pics in Picassa. Solved. Issue solved. Right? No. Same problem this morning but somehow the magical combination of plugging, unplugging, doing this and that, resulted in a download. My palms were getting sweaty and I was sensing a slow boil mounting, but it didn’t. Something worked. So now, having said this, I’m wondering, “was that just a necessary distraction?”

And I think it was, and seeing this now, I realize how perfect the universe functions. I might elaborate on that later. But right now I’m looking at what the techno problem distracted me from. And it was this–it distracted me from the sense of feeling totally and completely adrift. Questioning. Everything. Why am I doing this–this cloth stuff? Why am I drawn to it? Why can’t I seem to put it down? What’s going on here? And not just questioning the “whys and whats” but also judging. Thoughts like “geeze, another little pile of cast-off rags occupied my focus and concentration for hours, days even.” How crazy is that? And who is asking the questions?

It’s cleared for me now. I’m seeing that more importantly, cloth is the medium. The medium that supports an inner journey. An armature for holding thoughts and beliefs as they arise. A solid foundation providing context allowing me to examine my world view. My spiritual path. My what? My existence I suppose–and how each individual existence relates to the all of everything. And I really don’t have to be in my head to do this. In fact, the process doesn’t happen as an intellectual, cognitive exercise. It only happens when I’m open to receiving whatever wants to arise.

Will I remember this the next time I feel stuck? I don’t know, but please feel free to remind me. Remind me that I’m stuck because I’m resisting. And I think I resist because often what’s arising has an edge. Could be viewed as painful. Unpalatable. Not fit for dinner table conversation. All right. Here’s an example.

I have been distraught over what’s is happening to marine life as a result of Fukishima. Starfish trying to pull their arms off. Fish and wildlife piling up, trying to get as far away from the radiation as possible. Creating scenarios that have old-timers saying “Well, we’ve never seen this before.” No doubt. But this isn’t a very warm and fuzzy topic, is it? And wouldn’t we all just rather ignore it? But there it was. There it is. Arising, arising. Asking at least just to be acknowledged. The starfish. The fish. The mammals.

Yesterday I looked for a little sketch I’d done. Not thinking specifically of making a cloth–just a way of saying, “I hear you. I’m so, so sorry. And I wish I could make it right.”

Then the trunk show, GivingThanks, the camera fiasco. Adrift. But wrestling with question of how does one express certain things? Certain unpleasant things. Like sadness, despair, frustration and even loss of real hope for this entity we call “civilization?” Is it met head on? No, I don’t think so. It has to be dissected to arrive at the reason for these feelings. And the reason always comes back to this. Love. Care. Concern. The flip side. This is what can be expressed.

I had no intention of going here this morning. And at any point now I’ll probably just bale. So just a bit more. The starfish would not back away from my consciousness. Nor would the feeling of being adrift. And out of that, without knowing it, this background cloth grew:

and now I’m thinking about it as safe haven. A place where starfish might be safe. I don’t know yet what will come forth, but it might look something like this:

Adrift with Starfish.

And there is another cloth that is trying to morph into being. A notion of winter. A recognition of winter solstice. Another holding place. A fulcrum between two opposite sets of perception and/or reality. Impossible to determine that one side is “better than” the other. Is this what is called “acceptance?” Or is it simply acknowledging what is?

I want to end this on a lighter note. This reminder that love flows through life constantly without obstruction. Building bubble mountains in the snow. Life. Beautiful, fragile and temporary.

14 Responses to “Post #75 or #3–However you want to see it”

Wow what a post, its good that you feel able to put your thoughts out there. I know about the starfish now, I didn’t, wrapped up in family stuff, not looking much at the world out there at the moment.
I love the cloth, I see a three masted ship, was that intentional? Cloth doesn’t have to be cosy, it can be confrontational, that’s good, a good way to go, to express thoughts as action to put stuff out there for the world to see.

hi Debbie. i appreciate your comment here. reading it, i realize how far i’ve come from the beginning when i used to agonize over every thing i said. now my attitude is simply, “why not?” trying not to take myself too seriously!

the masts. yes i see those too and no, it was not intentional. just one of those things cloth comes up with when needed. love to you

Wow love the starfish and the vessel of hope for our world!
The time is now for recognizing that this third rock from the sun is all we have and that we are here as eyes and hands and hearts to look after our water and air and earth and all the sentient beings who live on her skin.
The end of the year always brings a sense of re-evaluation, a letting go of what doesn’t work and an embracing of what does to move forward into the New Year.
Thank you for this sharing!
Oh and re your camera … do you have a Mac? maybe you need to upgrade your computer’s OS to cope with the camera driver?

hi Mo. vessel of hope? i would like to say “yes” but I don’t know how much hope i’m actually feeling. Love, yes. the desire to protect. yes. maybe that’s enough?

and i do understand your comment about re-evaluation–letting go–embracing and moving forward. it’s time for sure.

i don’t have a MAC but i seem to have figured out the camera snaffu. now i’m having other problems. can’t post comments on typepad accounts. my philosophy–ignore it for awhile. perhaps it will go away. and if not, well then pull out the hammer. love to you.

dearest Patricia
such a lovely soul you be. it is a difficult time for those who question a lot. but as you know about me, it can sometime casue more suffering. there are greater forces at work on this planet. our job is to be and be in our medicine. not an easy task. but we chose it. our best is to love our work and share it, and love our people and our animals and the trees. send them our prayers, show up and give more xoxoxox love you

i’m moving through this. moving from grief to honoring and celebration. there’s a shift now. an ever so small glimpse of understanding that’s starting to emerge. and the cloth is almost acting like a crystal ball! we’ll see. so good to hear from you.