fear

this one is long and kinda ‘personal’ – then again, what else can i write about??? ^_^ just in case anyone out there has had similar experiences in life – maybe at least good to know you aren’t the only one?

this is nearly as it poured out onto the pages of my journal – i edited a bit as i typed.

You are about to complete 75 years on this planet – you have paid your ‘debt’, fulfilled a major portion of your promises and purpose(s) – you are now free to explore a different aspect of your purpose – you have a lot of people to love and the freedom to express Beauty in ways that bring you Joy. There is no one to please but yourself. God shall provide all you need when you are expressing Love and Joy as Beauty that others can enjoy however they choose. Some will simply observe, some will choose to create for themselves, & some will buy a finished piece. That is the Truth behind “do what you love and the money will follow.” When you are in Love, God is expressing thru you, as you. Listen to your heart – ignore the voice that says “I can’t” – with God, all things are possible. It is OK to love what you do! It is OK to have fun – especially when creating – even if you call it “work”.

Hah, I think we use that word to name what we do in order to justify (or hide) the joy of creating – the “Protestant Work Ethic” demands you justify your very existence by ‘working hard’ and if you are working hard you cannot be ‘having fun’ – our minds hold those two things as opposite and impossible to be at the same time – you work (hard) and then you get to ‘play’ (have fun) – without the first you may NOT have the other – or else, you have sinned and will surely go to hell! OR suffer some punishment from God, if not from those ‘in charge’. And so – an artist must call it his “work” and must somehow suffer to make up for loving what he does = “starving artist”. Somehow you must ‘pay the piper’ – you must suffer – you must earn your joy. Indeed that was the message of my youth! Every moment of fun had to be earned and was carefully portioned out by those in charge. Any unauthorized fun time was punished – that is, any unearned ‘free time’. I had no inherent value – I was worth whatever I could earn thru my ‘actions’/working. I got what I ‘deserved’ as determined by what I did – or did not do. All of that – more of what I am now FREE of!

Ah, so doing what you love and the money will follow is not about that kind of evaluating/judging – it’s about the expansion of Love and Joy! – of God’s expanded expression. Anytime I am in Love I am ‘being God’, allowing God to express and experience = my True purpose on Earth. And, yes, even as I write all this and experience the energy in my body – my mind wants to take me to ‘the money’ – it says –“ bring me the money, I need more money, more beads, more fabric, more x,y,z. Where are the sales on the webpage? How do I pay booth fees, make cc payments, help my family, feed my pets, fix my car etc, etc, etc. (Looooong list!) When will I have the breakthrough that shows up that way??” (as money) “Yes, I am ok right now. Yes, all my ‘needs’ are met – BUT what about those ‘wants’?? If they are God’s ideas FOR me – how come I don’t have them?? How do I dissolve the last of that false belief “never enough”? OR transform it into the Truth “always enough” – not a word/concept(enough) that exists in God –it lives in the world of judgement and evaluation & indicates the possibility of lack and limitation – all lies, false beliefs. BUT – that’s the world in which I live – where my body lives and must function within.”

Perhaps it is thru my choices? As I refuse to accept what I know to be false – hah – “turn the other cheek”. ^_^ Just say no – look away from what I know is false – expect the ‘best’ – like when you know you are dreaming and say it! “I must be dreaming because I KNOW this isn’t True/can’t be happening.” If I look around me I see nothing but abundance! It is time to be courageous again. I have never let the fear of failure stop me. Ah, but I have given into the fear of being punished! That is the fear that has run my life – and that brings me back to where I began this writing – with the freedom to do what I love with no fear of punishment – not even in the form of ‘rejection’. Those were my expected options – at best I will be rejected and at worst I will be punished. Yikes. And what thrives on all that is the false self!!! Tough to succeed if you believe you will then be punished. False self lives on both the fear and the pain of rejection and generates the energy of negativity that attracts more of the same.

If I allow myself to love beading, God shall provide the beads, and the inspiration and the ideas as I ‘work’. How Divine. ^_^ All I have to do is move my hands and feet, so to speak. Listen and follow directions/guidance.