Also, I love how much that guy hates the fuck out of ALL da champions. I must say that I feel the urge to write a piece that reflects how the IWC actually reports on indy girl fightin', by losing my mind at how fantastically awesome all the matches are.

(1) Jessicka Havok & Sassy Stephie (w/ Mademoiselle Rachelle) vs. Athena & Evie
Havok (4:31) via Demon Drop on Evie
After a few stumbles, Jessicka Havok and Sassy Stephie seem to be back on the same page and that means bad things for anyone standing across from them. Poor #TeamKICKHussies didn't get paid enough for this one
Rating: C

We go to the back where Allison Danger is with the Kimber Bombs for an interview. Danger congratulates Cherry Bomb on her performance last time, but asks when Kimber Lee is going to start tapping into some of her potential, as they have already squandered one opportunity at the SHIMMER Tag Titles.
Kimber Lee is quite offended so Cherry speaks up saying that these things happen in steps, as Danger should know from her own SHIMMER career. Danger gives Cherry a look like she better choose her next words carefully, so Cherry backs off saying that most girls never even see a SHIMMER Title shot and they've gotten a taste of what it takes to get there, so now they know how much harder they have to work to get back to that point.
Kimber finally finds her voice and says this was nothing but a speed bump on the way to success, and it doesn't matter how many bumps come along the way, they will not be deterred. They are going to get another SHIMMER Title shot and next time, they won't fail
Rating: C

We switch to Dave Prazak who is supposed to interview the Canadian Ninjas but before he can even begin his question Portia Perez stops him short. A mental midget like him shouldn't be wasting their time. Nicole Matthews says a lot of people have had a lot of things to say about the Canadian Ninjas. There are a lot of people who don't believe in the Canadian Ninjas anymore. They think their time has passed. There are rumblings that they aren't good enough anymore and they need help or support or to fall in line with someone else. They lost their focus because they allowed the noise to get in their heads. But the Canadian Ninjas get back on track tonight.
Portia agrees and says that they let those psychopaths MsEerie and that fruitcake Allison Danger distract them from their goals and that ends tonight. Tonight, the Canadian Ninjas earn their way back to a SHIMMER Tag Title match, and then they win back the belts that were so unceremoniously stolen from them. And when they are the first three-time champions in SHIMMER history, nobody will question the Canadian Ninjas again
Rating: C

All three of The Originals are in the back talking about their plan to get back to the SHIMMER title, when Veda Scott walks in on them. Before The Originals can protest Veda says she's not here to waste their time, because she has a business proposal for them. Now that she's proven that she can be a useful commodity to them, she wants to earn her way into their organization. The way these teams and groups keep popping up like weeds, they need more than just Mercedes and Melissa out on the front lines, and while Danger is a master tactician, she can't get out there in the trenches. Veda can and she wants to, because she knows if she's in their corner she can protect them, and her own career can flourish like it never has before.
Danger looks quite skeptical but Mercedes whispers something into her ear and Danger gets a smile on her face. She says that Mercedes will vouch for Veda, but Danger wants to see some initiative out of Veda, so she's going to have a match tonight with The Originals. Both of them.
Veda is calmly confident in the face of that and even smiles which makes Danger ask what is so funny, and Veda just tells the trio that she was hoping for just that, and she knows just what to do to impress them. Don't worry, she'll prove her worth, and then they can feel free to retain her services whenever they need her
Veda then hurries off and Melissa comments that she's never seen someone run straight into her own demise so gleefully. Danger tells them to just use this as a warmup because they have more important business to attend to
Rating: C+

We go back to the ring for the introductions for the next match and after “Miss Natural” Heather Patera and Courtney Rush come out Rush tries to be nice to Patera and apologize for what has gone on between them. Patera tells her that she doesn't believe anything that Rush has to say, as the crowd chants heavily for Melanie Cruise, who did not accompany her partner to ringside. Patera starts to get flustered until Courtney Rush, of all people, puts the earmuffs on Patera. Natural freaks out and tells Rush not to put her hands on her, while Rush accurately points out that they're in a wrestling match and it's her job. Patera loses it and rushes Rusher, to start the match
Rating: C

(2) “Miss Natural” Heather Patera vs. Courtney Rush
Natural (7:10) via Natural Disaster
The match itself is the oddest of affairs, as Courtney Rush spends more time on “offense” trying to placate Patera or stop the crowd's rabid taunting of Patera, which usually only succeeds in giving the second-generation star the opportunity to take the advantage back. Rush makes one last comeback and is in striking range of hitting the Skyward Suplex but she gets distracted by some especially loud taunting and she stops to tell them that Patera is a lovely woman and they should respect her. That distraction gives enough time for Patera to regather herself and then drop Rush with the Natural Disaster, her fisherman's neckbreaker.
Rating: D

After the match,Rush keeps Natural in the ring and tries again to apologize and make amends with her, and this time Natural accepts it saying that they are good now. Rush shakes Patera's hand and then raises it for the crowd and they walk out together
Rating: C-

We go to the back where the Aussies are together trying to end the pity party of one Madison Eagles. Jessie sits next to their fearless leader and tells her that she knows she's disappointed that Saraya Knight got the best of them but they're not through with Aussie Rules Wrestling yet and when the time comes they'll pay the Dynasty back. Shazza then adds that it's okay because even if they had won the match at Volume Twelve, Madison can't get a SHIMMER Title match anyway so there's no harm or foul.
Everyone gives Shazza the crazy look she deserves, but when Maddie looks like she is going to cry all over again, Kellie points out that what Shazza meant is that getting caught up in petty feuds isn't going to accomplish their goals as a group. Now that they are a unit, they need to find new ways to stand out. Madison says it's easy for them to say because they have something to look forward to, if they win tonight but she doesn't. Jessie then reminds Madison that during the entire first Eight volumes, Madison Eagles didn't have the SHIMMER Title but she was the most dominant force in SHIMMER, and that hasn't changed now. She still is the same Punisher she always has been, and does she know why?
Maddie gets petulant and says she knows what they're trying to do but they can just stop now. Shazza says Maddie's the most dominant because who rules wrestling.
Maddie sighs and says aussies.
Skater says that she's been a champion around the world and will be a champion again because who rules wrestling and Maddie says Aussies.
Jessie says that Madison Eagles is going to get out there and destroy Allysin Kay tonight and continue to prove the only way she can be stopped is outside of the ring because? And Madison finally gets a little motivation and answers because
Aussies. Rule. Wrestling.
Then everyone looks at Shazza who keeps her mouth shut this time, and Maddie tells them to lets go
Rating: C

Veda Scott is stalking around in the back when she finds Heidi Lovelace unpacking her ring gear. The Punk Rock Ragdoll asks why Veda is so excited and she says that she finally got what she wanted; a chance to impress The Originals. Heidi sarcastically says good for her but what does that have to do with her. Veda puts her arm around Heidi and says that she's the kind of girl that likes to give back and if she's got a chance to move on up in the world, she wants to offer a hand to someone else. Because it's time to move on to greater things. It's time to start blazing their own trail. Veda smiles to Heidi and tells her to get dressed because it's time. It's...time. And then Veda giggles and runs off before Heidi can even react
Rating: C

(3) MsEerie - MsChif & Christina Von Eerie vs. Kimber Bombs - Kimber Lee & Cherry Bomb
CVE (8:06) via 138 on Kimber
The Kimber Bombs are an up and coming tag team unit, but they're not ready to take down the old guard. MsEerie takes care of business here
Rating: C-

MsEerie celebrates their win after the match, looking like strong contenders for the SHIMMER Tag Titles
Rating: C+

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN MUM. THE CHAMPION OF LIGHT. THE CONQUERER OF THE INTERLOPERS AND THE NEXT SHIMMER CHAMPION. SARAYA KNIGHT!!!
Into the screen walks Saraya Knight, stepping between Rhia O'Reilly and the boisterous Nikki Storm. Saraya pets her children approvingly and then tells the world that she never spoke a false word. It was her sworn duty to eradicate the forces that were conspiring to destroy the kingdom and only one person could answer that call. Sweet Saraya. And so it has come to pass. They have been beaten, reduced to whimpering babies that they are, and now The Knight Dynasty shall be rewarded. Our Dynasty shall rise up, and conquer all. The unworthy chameleons shall be trampled under the boots of my girls, and they will bring the silver home as their Queen Mum demands, and the sharp-tounged witch that holds my gold. Saraya Knight has something special for her. The little girl has bitten off more than she can chew. She should have relinquished the gold and saved herself the merciless beating she is going to receive but now it's too late. Tonight, the Knight Dynasty returns the babies to their Mum, and when they come home they will never leave her side again
Rating: C+

We get the pre-match introductions for the Ninjas and the Aussies with Shazza starting up an Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi chant. Portia and Nicole take offense considering they're closer to Canada than Australia. Jessie steps forward as the voice of reason and reminds everyone that Australia is further away because it doesn't want to get the stink of Canada on it. This sets off a shoving match that referee PJ Drummond tries to break up but only lands him on his keister as everyone shoves him down. Then the girls go right at each other
Rating: C

(4) Canadian Ninjas - Portia Perez & Nicole Matthews vs. Aussie Rules Wrestling - Shazza McKenzie & Jessie McKay
Nicole (8:45) via Funky Cold Medina on McKay
The Aussies certainly try to drag this one into the absurd, but the Canadian Ninjas are 2-time SHIMMER Tag Champions for a reason and once Portia and Nicole get things under control there's no letting go, until they've got this one all wrapped up
Rating: D

Ninjas reaffirm their strength for everyone to see. There's no dissension in the Ninjas' camp
Rating: C+

We go to the back with Dave Prazak ready to interview the AK-47, Allysin Kay. Prazak asks Allysin if she feels like she's ready to take on a grumpy and upset Madison Eagles. Allysin Kay doesn't see a challenge. She sees a wounded animal. Madison Eagles has fallen on some hard times: She can't challenge for the SHIMMER Title, she's been embarrassed by Saraya Knight, and have you seen the people she chooses to hang out with? Madison Eagles is on the decline, while Allysin Kay is on the rise. And when you have a wounded animal whose time is short, what do you do? You take it behind the woodshed and you put it out of it's misery. Only Allysin Kay doesn't have a shotgun for Old Yeller, she's got an AK-47. So what does Allysin Kay feel like taking on Madison Eagles? It feels like doing SHIMMER a service. A service she will provide with class. Pinkies Up
Rating: C+

(5) The Originals - Cheerleader Melissa & Mercedes Martinez vs. Heidi Lovelace & Veda Scott
Melissa (6:21) via Air Raid Crash on Veda
Veda and Heidi were plucky and between the two of them, even got a couple of nearfalls on Melissa and Mercedes. But order was restored shortly after that and things ended up exactly where they were supposed to
Rating: C

After the match, both Originals show respect to Veda and Heidi for giving them a legitimately spirited contest before leaving the ring and Veda is beaten but so very excited that they are now in with The Orginals
Rating: C+

Speaking of Originals, Allison Danger is in the back with her guests, Leva Bates and Mia Yim. Danger says it's been a while since they've spoken, as Mr. Dave Prazak has been handling them, but with the uproar about the Lucha Sisters' title reign growing, it's time for someone to speak the truth to them. And Danger has never had that problem. They are not good enough. They may have gotten lucky against the Ninjas, and they've had their hands held by the SHIMMER officials, but the party is going to end soon because they're little girls playing a woman's game.
Mia has had enough of Allison Danger running her bloated mouth and maybe she should stop taking her bitter resentful feelings out on her and Leva. They didn't mess her up, and they didn't make her retire. In fact, Leva is the one that had her back and was there for her. Danger asks if Mia is done yet in response.
Leva steps up and says they're not done. Well they are with Danger, because she has clearly lost what was left of her mind, but they're not done as SHIMMER's tag champs. People say they got lucky? Well luck is just preparation meeting opportunity. That means they are the luckiest girls in SHIMMER then, because they got their opportunity and they made it count. And they've been keeping it up by holding onto the tag titles since they won them. And sure, there is going to be a day when they lose, but until that day comes, they are going to continue to give everything they've got to make the SHIMMER fans proud and be the best tag team they can be.
Danger smirks and then laughs telling Leva she's sorry she ever wasted her time mentoring someone who can talk like that. She thought Leva had more of a killer instinct than that, and with that kind of attitude it's only going to be a matter of time before someone...Original relieves them of those belts. Danger leaves them alone with her comments and their own thoughts
Rating: C+

(6) Madison Eagles vs. Allysin Kay
Eagles (9:02) via Hellbound
Allysin Kay sure comes into this match trying to step up into that upper echelon, and she gives Eagles a stiff challenge. But Eagles is ready to shake off the disappointments of recent volumes and once she can get into the match, she blows AK into the next stratosphere alright. Just not the way Allysin had intended
Rating: C+

We go to the back with Dave Prazak, who is wearing a goofy grin on his face because his guest at the moment is Tomoka Nakagawa. He asks her why she interfered at the end of the SHIMvivor Series match, costing Kellie Skater the win. Nakagawa whispers in his ear and smiles deviously as Prazak reports that Kellie Skater is the reason why she lost the SHIMMER Tag Titles. She is the reason 3G broke up, and she is going to pay at every opportunity for taking from Nakagawa.
Prazak then asks if tonight's match with Skater is going to be the last chapter in their rivalry. Nakagawa glares at Prazak, whispers in his ear, and then purple nurples him through his shirt before storming off. Through his pain, Prazak tells us that it won't be over until Nakagawa says so, and she's destroyed the Rate Tank. Nakawaga then comes back and spits in Prazak's face while he looks completely overwhlemed
Rating: C+

Veda Scott is talking to Heidi Lovelace about the benefits of being on the good side of The Originals when the trio comes up to them. Veda gets so excited but Heidi is the one who keeps calm and asks what it is that they want to talk to them about.
Melissa cuts to the chase and tells them that they've earned their attention, and even their respect, but they're still not convinced that the two of them are truly Originals. But they'll give them an opportunity to change their minds because they'd like to take Veda up on her offer to utilize her and Heidi's services. Veda gets very interested about what the Originals need from her is but Mercedes says not here where there are prying eyes and nosy listeners. They need to go somewhere they can talk privately, and The Originals walk off with Veda and Heidi whispering away
Rating: C+

(7) SHIMMER Tag Title Match: Lucha Sisters - Leva Bates (as Victor Von Dort) & Mia Yim (as The Corpse Bride) (from Tim Burton's The Corpse Bride) (c's) vs. Knight Dynasty - Rhia O'Reilly & Nikki Storm
Leva (11:23) via Superhero Kick/Package Piledriver combo on Nikki
The Knight Dynasty's young upstarts come out committed to the cause of bringing the SHIMMER Tag Titles into the fold, but the Lucha Sisters put all the outside noise to rest, for a night, and put on a show, flummoxing the challengers with their unorthodox behavior and zombie-ish mannerisms, until the wheels come all the way off for the Scottish Highlander, and there can only be one...that gets the Lucha treatment
Rating: C

Before the introductions for the next match we get a video recap of the Skater/Nakagawa feud, leading us into tonight's grudge match
Rating: C+

Before the introductions can even be completed, Nakagawa mocks Skater and spits water in her face, setting off a brawl that forces everyone in the ring to flee
Rating: C

(8) Tomoka Nakagawa vs. Kellie Skater
Skater (11:01) via International Incident
This match is a certifiable riot to start, with Skater blasting Nakagawa all over the arena floor. Nakagawa is barely able to hold on but getting it back to the ring lets her use her speed to slow down Skater and then she can grind her into the mat using many of her underhanded tactics. Skater does hang in tough though and gets a second burst of offense and adrenaline and once she's able to cut off Nakagawa's attempt to get to her water bottle, the result is academic
Rating: C

Skater celebrates slaying Nakagawa after the match, letting everyone know there is an Aussie coming for the SHIMMER title, just not the one you expected
Rating: C+

After the match, we go to the back with Dave Prazak who is ready to interview Serena Deeb. Prazak asks her how she's feeling about her match tonight, especially with Saraya Knight coming in with all the confidence and momentum from defeating Aussie Rules Wrestling in the SHIMvivor Series match.
Serena knows what Saraya Knight has done in the last few volumes, but frankly the Deebious One is not impressed. Saraya Knight hears voices that tell her she's going to win the SHIMMER Title and rule over them all, but what she does when she gets in that ring is not what a leader does. It's not what a champion does. She wouldn't take on Madison Eagles until she had 3 girls to back her up, and she only beat her by cutting corners. Serena might not have won against Madison but she would rather lose honorably than do things the way Saraya does. It disgraces what it means to be a SHIMMER athlete, it disrespects everything that she stands for, and there is no way that she is going to allow someone like that tear down what has been built before them, and what Serena is going to continue to build. There will be a day when someone pries the SHIMMER Title from her cold, dead hands. But Tonight is not that night, and Sayara Knight will not be the person.
Rating: C

Before the Melanie Cruise/Hamada match, we get a video recap of their vol. 7 match, which Hamada, of course, won
Rating: C+

(9) Melanie Cruise vs. Hamada
Cruise (9:45) via Cruise Missile
This time, the tables have been turned, as we find out that the tutelage of Heather Patera hasn't just been all show and no go. Melanie Cruise now has focus to go behind her muscle, and this is a bad sign for anyone in SHIMMER in her, or their, way, as Hamada finds out the hard way
Rating: C

(10) SHIMMER Title Match: Serena Deeb (c) vs. Saraya Knight
Serena (25:47) via Spear
Saraya Knight brings a challenge our champion hasn't seen: Serena likes to brawl and take a match into the deep water, and Saraya has no problem going there. In fact, she relishes the match getting into the muck and she absolutely lays into Serena with glee. All the rough tactics, the low blows, and the general chicanery almost gets to Serena but she comes through the other end, and keeps coming. As Saraya starts to fade, Serena clicks up into another gear, rains down her righteous attack upon the false prophet, and then is finally able to end it with a Running Girl Hug
Rating: C+

Serena celebrates putting away Saraya but as she scales the turnbuckles, she is attacked by Veda Scott & Heidi Lovelace, who pull her down and stomp away on her. Heidi then hits a Lovelace Choker (a reverse neckbreaker onto her own knee. A move utilized quite prominently by one Allison Danger), followed by Veda picking Serena up and putting her back down with a Mind Trip. By the time Davina Rose makes it out to run them off, Veda and Heidi have already done the damage and yell out that The Originals say hello, with Davina caring for the fallen Serena as SHIMMER Volume Thirteen comes to a close
Rating: C+

Final Rating: C

Brandon Morrison - Chief of Staff and Forum Attaché to the Grand Chancellor