INVASION OF ASIAN TIGER STARTS SLAP-HAPPY TIME

A new bug has invaded Florida, a bloodthirsty little devil known as the Asian tiger mosquito.

Just what we need. Another brand of mosquito. Just like we need more flies, vermin, locusts and frogs.

Forgive me, but I am uptight. It gets down to this:

I am prepared to deal with most any disaster, be it famine, war, the plague or even a gastronomical run-in with a truly sloppy hamburger.

But this new mosquito -- it spells the demise of us all.

With its arrival, Florida now has 68 different species of mosquitoes, just itching to bite your backside. Which clearly proves that mosquitoes are methodically starting to take over the planet. That includes Pompano Beach, by the way.

Don't get me wrong. I am not paranoid. I didn't even flinch when the Mediterranean fruit fly nearly brought civilization to its knees a while back.

But unless the invasion is nipped in the bud, this state could be headed to the hereafter in a handbasket.

Before we further consider all the dire consequences, let me tell you a bit about mosquitoes in general.

In all, there are more than 2,500 species of mosquitoes, found all over the world. They prefer, however, to hang around water in hot, damp lands, as females lay their eggs in marshes, swamps or any other quiet small pools.

Technically, mosquitoes are flies with two wings. It is the beating of those two tiny wings that makes that horrible humming sound. Of course, it is worse when the sounds stops, because that means the darn thing has lit on your leg for lunch.

What has earned the critter such a bad name is its ability to carry diseases, such as encephalitis, malaria and yellow fever. The mere touch of a mosquito, let alone its bite, can leave behind dangerous germs.

As for its bite, well, that is a horrible thing to behold.

It is actually only the female that bites, as it must slurp a victim's blood to develop the eggs inside its body.

What these nasty females do is stab their victims with six -- count them, six -- tiny needles called "stylets," which are at the end of a larger straw-like "proboscis."

Then, they inject their own saliva into the wound to keep the blood from clotting as they drink. It is this saliva that most people are allergic to, and small welts the result.

If it is not smacked in the process -- and really, it deserves to be -- the female mosquito may sip as much as 1 1/2 times its own weight at a time.

Gruesome, right?

So, just when you thought it was safe to play around a tire dump, authorities in Jacksonville found the Asian tiger hiding out in mountains of old tires near the port there.

Experts believe Aedes albopictus might have journeyed to several other ports on cargo ships from Asia.

In fact, the Asian tiger may well be in Fort Lauderdale by now. Disease control officials plan to take a trip to Port Everglades in the near future to find out.

"That probably would be the first area we'd start. If they're anywhere, they're there," said Dr. John Mulrennan Jr. of the state Department of Health and Rehabilitative Services office of entomology in Jacksonville.

Melrennan does not seem to share my concern that the Asian tiger poses a threat to the earth's ecological system. But he admits, they are not nature's sweetest creatures either.

What makes the Asian tiger a threat is its ability to carry dengue fever and encephalitis. However, if those diseases are not present in humans in the area, the mosquito cannot spread anything, Mulrennan said.

But then, the Asian tiger is said to be more aggressive than the more common breed of mosquitoes in this area, known as yellow fever mosquitoes.

"It may be a little more aggressive as a biter," he said. "Certainly, it's not as aggressive as the salt marsh mosquito."

Byron Peacock, an entomologist with the Jacksonville mosquito control district, was the man who discovered the Asian tiger had landed.

"My assistant and myself went to the biggest tire dump in the county. Within about 15 minutes, we found quite a few of them," he said.

Peach doesn't agree, either, with my assessment that the tiger may send us humans the route of the dinosaur. But he does suggest we take precautions.

"The best way to avoid them is to clean up your property; wash out birdbaths and make sure wading pools aren't stagnant. You should have no clogged gutters. Dispose of buckets or tin cans -- and especially tires.

"If you can't dispose of tires, squirt a little oil in them every week or so. That will help quite a bit.

"Make sure you have good screens around your windows or porches. And there are lots of good mosquito repellents."

Thanks for the advice. But I still say we are in trouble. And I personally would have suggested more preventive measures, including tactical military hardware, flame-throwers and, if need be, pitchforks.

Otherwise, one of those suckers might land on me. Then what?

"Slap it," Peacock said.

Sure. Simple enough.

But, then, what are we going to do about the army of red ants marching from South America?