Eleanor and Tina console Joanna about Steve Marshall. The boys hold their bladders.

(Joanna goes into the toilet and sits on the loo seat crying. A loo-queue of boys starts to form outside, jiggling impatiently. Eleanor barges her way through the loo-queue, knocks on the door, and is admitted by Joanna. Protests from the boys. Tina also pushes her way through the loo-queue and is admitted with more protests from the suffering males).

NARRATOR

The toilet. Now at a reasonably successful party you’ve got upwards of thirty people drinking liquid all night. And, sooner or later, that liquid has just got to come out. But house-builders are obviously really sad people who don’t ever go to parties because they only seem to install one or two toilets per household. This makes going to the loo a bit like going to the cinema in that everyone else seems to get the same idea at the same time. Hence, a queue.

(The loo-queue becomes more agonized).

Now a man is judged not so much by the colour of his skin, or the content of his character, as by the sheer volume of drink he can consume, still stand up, or at least lean up, and carry on a conversation. All this while his bladder threatens to explode between his legs like a New York fire-hydrant during a heat wave.

Now the human body is a marvelous thing but its bladder capacity is only about two pints. After that, your bladder starts to send you polite little faxes suggesting that now might be a good time to liquidate some of your assets. If you ignore these little suggestions, your bladder takes out a full page neon advert in your brain screaming “Piss-or-die!”. Then you get the message. And so here we see a queue of agonized males waiting their turn for the toilet.

Which brings us to the next problem. Not everyone uses the toilet for purely functional reasons. Some girls see it as a perfectly convenient place to discuss their emotional problems. Unfortunately, for our loo-queue, it looks as though this particular problem needs to be talked about at painful length.

(Joanna is sitting on the toilet seat crying. Eleanor is crouched down next to her, consoling. Tina is slouched against the locked door looking unsympathetic).

ELEANOR

(To Joanna). Come on. It’s Steve, isn’t it?

JOANNA

He’s been talking to her all night. He’s hardly looked at me since we got here.

Jo? Come on. It’s pointless you crying up here, isn’t it? Either go and talk to Steve or talk to someone else.

TINA

Yeah. Make the geek jealous.

ELEANOR

No. That’s not what I mean. Look. Why don’t you just tell Steve you’re not feeling well? Ask him to take you home.

TINA

God’s sake! (There is another bang on the door). Piss off!

JOANNA

But suppose he wants to stay here?

TINA

Then you’ll know he’s just a bastard.

JOANNA

Don’t talk about Steve like that.

TINA

He doesn’t care about you.

JOANNA

Yes he does. (There is another bang on the door). Piss off! (Pause). Do you think that might have been Steve seeing if I’m alright?

TINA

God’s sake! (Shouting through the door). Is Steve out there? (There is a rapid identity check among the loo-queue followed by muffled replies of “No” and “Hurry up”). Alright. Suppose you want to go home and he just carries on talking to her. It’s over then, isn’t it?

ELEANOR

Tina!

JOANNA

Oh thanks, Tina. Thanks for being so supportive.

TINA

What’s all the fuss? It’s only a bloke.

ELEANOR

Not everyone feels the same way as you, Tina.

TINA

What? Treat them mean and keep them keen? Works for me. That’s what he’s doing to Jo anyway. You want to show him your leg and make him beg, girl.

ELEANOR

Come on, Jo. You go down into the kitchen. I’ll get Steve and tell him you’re not well.

(Tina unlocks and opens the door just as the head of the loo-queue is banging on it).

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About Me

I am a fully qualified teacher of Drama, Media and Film Studies with ten years’ work experience in secondary and further education. I graduated from the Central School of Speech and Drama (one of the most respected Drama conservatoires in the world) with a first class Honours degree in Drama and Education and a PGCE.
I was a writer-in-residence and workshop leader for a Southend-based youth theatre for ten years, during which time I developed my creative writing skills to include playscripts, poetry and songs. With my deep interest in Film, I have now expanded these skills to include screenplays.
I now wish to take a sabbatical from teaching to focus on a proposal for a PhD thesis. This will involve developing new collaborative methodologies for intertextual musical theatre in the context of a resynthesis of art, philosophy and science.
My specific areas of interest and expertise are as follows: Academic, Acting, Analysis, Assessment, Auditions, Collaboration, Creative Thinking, Directing, Drama, Education, English, Film, History, Lecturing, Literature, Media, Poetry, Philosophy, Playscripts, Screenplays, Songs, Teaching, Television, Theatre, Tutoring, Workshops, Writing.

I’m writing a first draft for a musical. It's called Marty Gull (Marty[r] Gull[ible]). It's a surreal, satirical, tragicomic piece of musical political theatre: a cautionary tale of school politics, backstabbing egos and the state of the nation.

I’ve written the first draft libretto using a medley of melodies in my head from well-known musicals.

I would like to extend an open invitation to all budding musicians and composers to submit their own musical interpretations. I would also welcome interest from actors (age 20-25) who can sing and dance.

The plan is to develop a new collaborative form of musical theatre. Once we get a good working team of lyricists, composers, musicians, actors and designers together we can decide on the final evolution of the piece and arrange copyright accordingly. I would like to submit or even take the piece to Central as a work-in-progress.

Ultimately, I would be interested in using all of this as a springboard for a thesis on new art forms and musical theatre. But, most of all, I would love to have the opportunity of working with kind, creative and talented people.

If you like the sound of any of this, please post a comment at http://martygull.blogspot.com/or get in touch with me through one of the following methods: