Whatever you do, donít miss the first five-plus minutes of Austin Powers in Goldmember.

Whatever you do after that, I leave to your own discretion, but I suggest going to another movie.

The third time certainly is no charm for this lame and lamentable sequel to Mike Myersí affectionate spy spoof series.

Derivative, repetitive and contemptuous of its audience best describes Goldmember. It plays like a film whose script was blended in a Cuisinart. Itís merely a series of sketches lazily cobbled together. As the film progresses you can almost hear it begin to chug like an old freight train struggling uphill.

The movieís laugh quotient fills your comedic appetite, but the majority of jokes are the faux-dirty variety that little boys snicker at in the school yard.

Movie references from Singiní in the Rain to West Side Story to Roller Boogie to Godzilla, plus the blaxploitation films of the 1970s inundate Goldmember. But theyíre merely distractions, adding nothing to the barely breathing storyline.

And Myers seems pre-occupied. Perhaps too many hats wore him down. Myers appears, of course, as Austin Powers and his nemesis, Dr. Evil, but he also returns as Fat Bastard and tackles the role of Goldmember. He also co-authored the script with Michael McCullers and serves as one of the film's producers.

Even at a mere 94 minutes, Goldmember seems to languish. After a while the entire affair becomes annoying. Thereís just not enough to sustain anything.

Myers doesnít give enough time to any of his creations. Austin Powers is less randy, Dr. Evil has toned down quite a bit, Fat Bastard merely makes a cameo and Goldmember is a feeble and humorless, especially for a villain.

The only performer to come out of this fiasco with any dignity is Beyonce Knowles as Foxxy Cleopatra, a homage to characters portrayed by Pam Grier and her sisters during the blaxploitation era.

Knowles really gets into the spirit of the proceedings with her big Afro, skin-tight outfits and her smooth-talkin' patter.

The wonderful Michael Caine, who admittedly has been in some turkeys during his career, can add this one to his loss column. As Nigel Powers, Austinís dad, he looks run down and ramshackle.

Thereís really not much of anything to recommend about this movie except the opening. After that, Goldmember turns to pyrite.

Bob Bloom is the film critic at the Journal and Courier in Lafayette, IN. He can be reached by e-mail at [email protected] or at [email protected] Other reviews by Bloom can be found at www.jconline.com by clicking on golafayette. Bloom's reviews also appear on the Web at the Internet Movie Database: http://www.imdb.com/M/reviews_by?Bob+Bloom