I Think I’ll Pay The Pastor . . . Nothing?

I wonder . . . what do you think a pastor should be paid for a memorial service?

A friend asked what she should pay the pastor for her mother’s memorial service. Her mother was a long-time and devoted member of the church. I said, “Nothing.” I said being involved in a church meant the use of the church building and the pastor’s role were “covered.” In some cases, a person might pay for the musicians and food and other odds and ends, but the pastor was doing his or her job. Do you agree or disagree with that?

I added that as someone’s pastor, I’d prefer a personal thank-you card from the family over a check. However, I did mention that about $200 might be an appropriate payment to pay a pastor for helping in the death of a non-church member.

Interestingly, in the next week I helped a family with a death. Since I’m on leave, I’m not serving a church. Neither was the deceased, nor the family. I never mentioned payment, but received a lovely note and check for . . . $200.

Interesting for different reasons, I got an out-of-the-blue call this week asking me to do a memorial service. Without hardly a word of introduction, the caller told me about his now-deceased sister and what time they needed me and . . . I finally slowed the barrage of fractured explanations to clarify the situation. As I learned more, I recalled a memorial I did for this family several years ago. They never paid me then. What will I say to them now about any fees?

So what do you think? Should a church member pay? A non-church member? And by the way, I always feel awkward in talking to anyone about any payment. What about you?

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42 Comments

As a retired pastor’s wife, I have to respond to this. In most denominations pastors get paid for weddings. So I’ve never understood why they don’t get paid for funerals, especially those that involve as much time as a wedding rehearsal and wedding do. In the Moravian church, the funeral includes a sermon-length memoir, outlining the person’s life and using many memories and comments from the family – which usually is a meeting lasting several hours and then quite a few extra hours writing the memoir. And with a death, the pastor has to drop everything, rearrange his/her schedule and work with the family at their convenience. So yes, I think pastors should get paid for funeral. I think when you get a call for a non-member, part of the initial discussion is: My fee for a funeral is $200.” Your time and talents are just as important as any self-employed person!

Joy: thanks for the response. I would guess no denomination has a policy for wedding/funeral payments to a pastor. More, that it’s up to individual clergy to decide. I didn’t “charge” any church member for weddings, funerals, baptisms. Many did volunteer to pay me and I usually put the money in a pastor’s discretionary fund. But do you see a wedding or a funeral for a church member “above and beyond” what a pastor does within his/her congregation? As noted in the brief essay, I struggle with what to “charge” non-members. For me a funeral often took from a few to twenty or more hours for prep…but I did see it as part of my “job.” I really am curious how others deal with this…

This must be a fading intuition. My mother always remembered that the pastor got an honorium (makes it just a bit less painful when you say it) for officiating at a funeral. But I had two ordained pastors conducting mine, plus the church organist and a specially contracted vocalist. The church and church pastor were covered by the funeral home’s schedule of services, which covered use of the building, the pastor, and the organist. I paid extra for the second pastor and the vocalist. I rather like the fact that the Funeral home does that. It limits all the “business” matters to a single representative, who is probably really good at making it all go down as painlessly as possible.

I’ll be careful here, Bruce . . . but I assume you mean you paid the pastors for your mother’s funeral…but not yours…right? When you said you had “two ordained pastors conducting mine” I hoped I was reading that wrong, and that you’re not commenting on my blog from heaven!

I do appreciate the funeral director’s taking care of the “business,” but I’ve always been intrigued by the wide variety of fee amounts. Some are miserly; others generous. And I would guess the majority of payments I’ve gotten from a funeral home were linked to services for folks who weren’t church members.

I like the idea of the honorium. Hal would probably answer this question quite differently since he was the pastor. I think he saw it as part of his responsibilities and I do understand that. However, with a funeral, a pastor has to drop anything previously planned and the mourning family becomes the priority. I personally feels the amount of time he spends on this needs to be acknowledged (which is why I like the “honorium” idea.) It would be nice if more funeral homes would addres the expenses within the church, but that doesn’t happen down here. Also, the salaries of many of our Moravian pastors in small churches are so poor that any extra money is badly needed.

Brian…thanks for your thoughts. And I think most people (though not all) really prefer to be told what the “honorarium” would be. As Joy said in another comment, pastors can easily be taken for granted.

Re: weddings. My home Presbyterian church had a list which the pastor gave to us when we approached him about our wedding. It told us how much to give the pastor, organist, custodian, and what was expected of the family as far as helping the custodian! I’m sure that was a local board decision (not denominaton) and frankly, I liked the idea. It took the guessing out of it. Re: funerals of non-members. Quite honestly, I think they’d use any pastor just to get it accomplished – same as non-member weddings. So I think announcing a fee is quite appropriate. I guess after 40 years in the ministry, I’m just tired of seeing pastors taken for granted.

I think weddings are easier to deal with regarding reimbursement. And often, in a memorial or graveside service, there are only a few “professionals” involved (pastor and maybe music) compared to a wedding. Weddings…yikes, don’t get me started. Still, as I’ve mentioned, I have tended not to “charge” church members…though even the smallest church I’ve served (rightly) expected members and non-members to pay for the custodian, musicians etc…

What an interesting dilemma, Larry. To be honest, I never really thought about it, mostly because I’ve never had to (thankfully!) but your time is just as valuable as anyone else’s and I’m sure this does take a significant amount of prep time — you should be compensated. Me personally, I’d probably go for a sliding fee scale. Perhaps a thank you note would suffice for poorer families (or say, a sudden death of the breadwinner), but I’d have no problem requesting a $200+ honorarium or church donation from families that I know could afford it — members or not.

It IS a terribly awkward matter, isn’t it? It’s not really something you want to bring up before, during the time of grief, but slapping the family with a bill in the mail two weeks later seems callous too. Ideally, the fee should be broached by the funeral director or church secretary but if they approach you directly, gosh…can you refer them to your wife for scheduling? Is she the type that could just come out and say something?

Jen…thanks for your comments. The whole “payment” (or fee, honorarium, etc) for pastors can be very interesting. I had to laugh out loud when you mentioned my wife. Should would NEVER handle any scheduling for me, among all kinds of other things she wouldn’t do. And I wouldn’t want her to do. Her mother was also a pastor’s wife and handled music, teaching Sunday school, cooking, organizing…all for the church. But times have changed!

I think we should ask people to pay the pastor on these occasions. For the record, since I know how it is from the pastor’s perspective, I made fairly good offerings to the church that hosted my husband’s memorial, and the pastor who presided. A different pastor presided for the burial a month later, and I paid her well, too.

Whether it’s the happy occasion of a wedding or the sorrow of a death, it absorbs a pastor’s time way beyond normal. It really helps if the church has a printed brochure with “suggested offerings.” We had a nice hand-out at UMC Rancho Cordova that I used when I met prospective couples. I wrote it in nice language that included a “We will work within your overall wedding budget” disclaimer. This enabled us to reduce amounts greatly for the poor. But it caused no problem at all to the couples who were doing typical weddings. Nobody ever complained. The church part of the typical wedding budget is sometimes less than the bride’s gown! We should not be timid about this.

Thanks Becky. Good points all. You (like me) are an “insider” with weddings and funerals, and know the time, work, disruption, etc. A part of me still thinks, especially with funerals/memorials of church members, that they are already “covered.” But I understand the various viewpoints. I enjoy what our colleague Steve Lundin once told me regarding weddings he did…

A couple would ask, “How much do you charge, pastor?”
“Tell you what, just pay me 10% of the wedding’s costs,” Steve said with a straight face.

They would usually stare in shock. He told ’em he was kidding. Mostly…!!

The pastor at the nursing home knew my mom for 11 years.
I have asked him to officiate at her graveside memorial service next month and I plan to give him $100 for his trouble. The family will be going out afterwards for a meal at one of the local restaurants. Should I invite him to go and do I need to pay for his meal?

In the ELCA the job description for a pastor is to baptize, confirm, marry and bury for all congregants. That is almost always stated in the congregation’s constitution. If any honorarium is given, it really belongs to the congregation.

I’M JUST NOW READING THIS AND WHAT AN INTERESTING SUBJECT! I ASKED A FAMILY MEMBER, WHO HAPPEN TO BE A PASTOR, TO READ THE EULOGY AND BOTH OF MY PARENTS MEMORIAL SERVICE. HE WAS USE TO PUBLIC SPEAKING AND DID A FINE JOB. IT WAS ALL WRITTEN OUT FOR HIM AND HE DIDN’T HAVE TO PUT MUCH WORK INTO IT, OTHER THAN READING IT BEFORE HAND. THIS WAS BACK IN 1987 & 89.
I GAVE HIM AN ENVELOPE WITH $50 IN IT AND THANKED HIM FOR DOING SO WELL. I THEN SAID IF HE FELT ODD ACCEPTING THIS, TO PLEASE DONATE IT TO WHAT EVER HE CHOSE. SMILING, I SUGGESTED HE TAKE HIS CHILDREN TO McDONALDS.

I HAD NO IDEA IF THIS WAS RIGHT OR NOT. PEOPLE TRY AND DO THE BEST THEY CAN.

We chose an old family friend to preach at the funeral of our family member and to do the graveside service. We paid him $200 which included travel. Our pastor visited our home 3 times prior to the service, brought food and arranged for us to have a dinner at our church. He stayed with us during the entire visitation time and the during the service. We did not pay him anything. We had no idea if we should give him a donation and if so how much. We sent a thank you note to him. We also sent a thank you note to the church with a $150 donation to the church for the use of the facility and the food. Most of the food is donated and prepared by members and we also donate food when there is a death and we are on the funeral rotating committee to set up, serve and clean up after dinners. Should we give our pastor a donation now even though it has been several months since the death and if so, should it equal to what we gave the other minister? We are of low income and there was no life insurance to cover the expenses, but our pastor really was a blessing and he had a lot of hours involved.

Thanks for your comment. I have several reactions. It sounds like you have done all the right and good things to make sure the pastors who helped you, and the church that supported you, were appropriately thanked. Between the costs you paid, your donations, and the thank-you notes, you have made sure each person and place knows how much you appreciated their support during this time. My feeling, and other pastors might disagree with me for good reasons, is there’s no need to give additional money to your pastor. However, I sense something is “nudging” you, something is causing you to wonder if you’ve done enough for you pastor. I can’t “tell” you what more to do since I don’t know you, or your pastor, or the church’s/community’s “expectations.” However, my one suggestion, based on what always warmed my heart, was when a church member made sure to tell me how much they appreciated my ministry. Since it’s now “several months” since the death, if I were your pastor, and you took time to call me, or to talk with me after worship, and told me–again–how much you appreciated my help in that months-ago funeral . . . it would make me feel great. In ministry, pastors often go from one crisis to the next, or one Sunday’s sermon to the next, and our time becomes a blur. When a church member reminds us of how much they appreciated us from months before for something, it can really make a day sing! I’ll take heartfelt compliments over a little cash every day of the week!!

I AM WONDERING THE SAME THING, I HAD A REVERAND WHO IS RETIRED BUT KNEW MY FATHER WELL, DO HIS MEMORIAL SERVICE 15 YEARS AGO. I BELIEVE I GAVE HIM 100.00, NOW HE WILL DO MY MOTHERS NEXT MONTH, IT IS A GRAVESIDE SERVICE FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES, AND I WAS THINKING 200.00? IS THIS TOO MUCH??

A couple of thoughts, Caryl. The $200 seems in the ballpark. Realistically, it’s also not “20 minutes.” There is preparation of some kind, and certainly time traveling . . . even if only a couple of blocks from his house to the cemetery. Sometimes the funeral home/mortuary that handles the burial “automatically” adds a fee to your bill for the clergy expenses that they then “give” to the clergy. If you want to pay this reverend directly from you, you may want to ask the person from the funeral home about their policies. Finally, while the $$$ is always appreciated, I do treasure the simple thankyou notes I’ve gotten from families for funerals and weddings I’ve done. If he did your father’s service, and now your mother’s graveside, he has some “history” with your family. A heartfelt thankyou matters.

And my sympathies to you and your family as you deal with your Mom’s death. Sigh. Always hard.

Larry, I was glad to see the discussion is still going after all this time, because we are really struggling with this as a ministry couple. Growing up in the Bible Belt – it would have been unheard of to NOT give an officiant an honorarium for a funeral or wedding. My husband is now the solo pastor, and I am his assistant, at a church in the Southwest and in our 5 years of ministry here – he has never, not once, been given and honorarium for services. I have served as the coordinator for several events held on our church campus and not received honor for my services either. Funerals & weddings are above and beyond the normal work week of a pastor. 6-8 one hour premarital counseling, plus rehearsal, plus event day activities. for funerals there is often grief counseling, and just trying to get the family to decide what to include in a service and what to leave out takes hours and multiple meetings. Sometimes our family gives up the one day a week we have off in order to participate in a wedding or funeral. people do not mind spending thousands on dresses, flowers, and fancy parties for their wedding, but they have NO regard for the counseling (and counselor) that might actually hold the marriage together in the long run? we were involved in a 3 day funeral “event” with everything from Chinese lanterns to live butterfly releases – but no consideration for the weeks of grief counseling and hours of service during the multi-day event? we are prayerfully considering declining to officiate services for anyone besides active church members – at least we feel a sense of obligation to them whether they offer an honorarium or not.

I am not being trite here when I say . . . I feel your pain. In some churches I served, there were traditions and unwritten guidelines about paying the pastor for services “above and beyond.” It just happened. It made my ministry life easier. I’ve heard old timers (though I’m close to being one now!) talk about meat or fresh fruit/vegetables or services (plumbing, carpentry, etc.) as payment for weddings and funerals because the community families had little money . . . but there was still an effort to offer some kind of reimbursement.

However, inexplicably, there are places (whether individual churches or regions) where the surprising “assumption” is that the pastor does the non-member services for the love of God and doesn’t need or want money! Yikes!

I was usually comfortable with explaining costs for weddings to both members and non-members. I was less successful with funerals. Though you’ve probably already thought about this, I’d encourage you to create a simple “hand out” (along with something online if you have a church webpage) that explains the costs for non-members. Be upfront.

Hi. I just got married, and a week after we got an email to write check for pastor for $350fir his service. He has never mentioned this to us, and when asked few weeks prior to the wedding he said “not to worry, we are not Catholics” .( I was raised as catholic and I mentioned before reasons why I turned away from church so our pastor always teased me about it ). Anyway, that email was a surprise. First because we asked before and we didn’t hear any number ever. My husband belongs to that church for 6 years now, and I started attend that church for over 2 years. I volunteer at church witch children ministry, on occasions we bring some goodies. So I could call us church members. However we feel very awkward right now since we don’t know what to do. If we were told earlier about the price, it is one think, but not after. Just to clarify, we didn’t get married in church. We had ceremony somewhere else and we invited our pastor for the wedding with his wife. What do you think? I would appreciate thoughts.

I suspect the most important action to take is to talk with the pastor. Of course you will “feel awkward” (and rightly so), but it’s better to get a clear response from your pastor than to wonder what is going on. The email could’ve been a mistake. I wish you well with this.

Thank you all for your contributions to this post – we are now working through the plans and services for my husband’s mother (best mother-in-law ever); when I asked our pastor about services for Mom, he assured me that there was no fee. I asked again, because I knew a donation was appropriate, and he said that an honorarium would be accepted. I then struggled with how much (Pastor of course said – ‘whatever is placed on your heart to give’) and how to split it between the pastor and the church. I honor what he is doing for our family, and I know it has taken time away from his. Your post helped me decide – and helped me put in to perspective the hours and effort he will be giving to us that we would never otherwise have realized.

Grief is a rather introspective thing for many (me included); thank you for helping me to see it from another perspective thus ensuring I honor and respect the man providing us this service!

Thanks for your kind comments, Deanna. If anything I wrote (or others who have responded to this “old” post) helped . . . wonderful! I’m glad you have a caring pastor, especially at time of grief while you plan a service for your mother-in-law. Take care!

My mom recently passed and we had a celebration of life at our church. We planned the ceremony and asked 2 men of the church to speak the eulogy and the message. We also had a song leader. My mom was active in the church. I have limited funds. What would be appropriate to pay these men. They did a very good job.

First, I am so sorry about your Mom. It is never easy to go through the dying and death of a parent. I hope you have good support for your grief from friends and family.

It sounds like your are involved in this church. You may want to ask your pastor about what to pay the people who helped with the service. The church’s minister would know far better than me about what is appropriate. Truly, there is no “standard” fee for these “jobs.”

If you don’t feel comfortable, or maybe don’t have the time, to talk with the pastor, here two suggestions based on your limited funds . . .

If you feel you should give money, but it can only be a small amount for each person, any amount would truly be fine. But I would encourage adding a note, explaining that you can’t give much, but it is important for you to “pay” them something. If you add some cookies or anything else that you make, that would be a wonderful bonus!

Based on what you’ve described, if it had been me helping with the service, getting a nice note from you thanking me for what I did or said would be all I would want! In other words, don’t feel like you have to offer money. A lovely, honest, heartfelt note is a treasure to read and to keep. I’ve been paid lots of money to do funerals and weddings over the years, but it’s the kind, tender notes that I’ve kept, tucked away in a desk drawer, and in a special place in my heart.

Any decision you make to honor those who helped will be the right one. It’s never how much money “paid” that matters, but the generosity of our gratitude.

I FEEL A NEED TO AGAIN RESPOND. I’M NOW AN OLDER WOMAN AND FIND THAT I HAVE LOST TOUCH WITH WHAT THINGS COST. WE WERE STUNNED TO FIND OUT RECENTLY, THAT THE BANK CHARGES $30 TO STOP A CHECK. I DEPEND ON OUR DAUGHTER & GRANDCHILDREN (sometimes), TO TELL ME HOW MUCH TO TIP FOR A RESTAURANT TAB ….. OR GIVE AS A WEDDING GIFT. THE WORLD BOGGLES MY MIND, WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY. I AM NOT ADJUSTING WELL. WE WERE LIVING FROM PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK AND I LEARNED TO BE FUGAL. FOR INSTANCE, PAPER TOWELS. I LOVE THE NEW ‘SELECT A SIZE’, BECAUSE I FELT SO MUCH OF THE SHEET WAS BEING WASTED. I’M GLAD TO READ THAT MANY CHURCHES HAVE A LIST OR SUGGESTED AMOUNT, OF WHAT TO GIVE FOR THE PASTORS SERVICES. PEOPLE USUALLY WANT TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT, BUT JUST DON’T KNOW.

sorry, another question about how much to pay my pastor… he will be hosting a celebration of life for my deceased mom… at a restaurant… so he will welcome 30 people, introduce the slideshow of her life, transition to lunch, notify people of family only memorial gathering outside after lunch, then perform a short 15 min ceremony of some sort. his wife will also attend. this is in expensive california. how much is reasonable/

If you’ve read any of the other responses from readers (and my comments), you’ve probably seen that there’s no set answer.

Some questions for you to answer . . . What can you afford? What do you pay others in your life for their services (the person that does your hair, the repair guy that fixes an appliance?)

Are you the only one thinking about paying him, or will others in your family help/contribute? If so, what do your siblings or cousins (etc.) think?

Is this a pastor you know? Was he your mother’s pastor? If he’s a familiar/important person to you/your Mom/your family, a combination of a personal note and/or gift along with a modest amount of money seems appropriate. Ah, what is modest? Again, that goes back to what you think you can afford.

Even if you don’t know this pastor, one way to start a conversation with him about payment would be that you’d like to honor his help with this and ask if he’d prefer payment or a donation to his church. If you feel comfortable with it, it’s okay to put a pastor “on the spot” regarding money. He, or his church, may have established costs . . . and one of the ways you can find out is to ask.

Whether it’s “expensive California” or elsewhere, he will likely be able to give you a non-embarrassing simple answer about expenses. If you don’t want to ask him, or he “avoids” answering, give him money based on what you can afford. If your “gut” tells you it “should” be more (but you can’t afford more), add a lovely, thoughtful note. As I have said in other comments, what I remember most from the services I’ve done is not how much I was paid, but how much I was appreciated by the family.

For me, getting $20 and a truly heartfelt note for my hours of preparation and work is far better than getting $200 or $500 without a word of thanks.

Thank you for writing this blog. It has helped me in understanding these fees.

My family recently passed. Long faithful lifetime church member. In fact he died on his way to church.

I am disgusted at the fees we were charged. $600 for a facility fee and $150 pastor fee? My father wished memorials be made to the church and over $800 was received in lieu of donations.

At this point it seems as though the church profited quite well off my fathers death. This is how they treat members?

I’ve made the difficult decision to leave the church. My father never missed a tithe. He never asked anything from the church. Not even in the hardest of times. A facility and speaker should have been automatic.

Of course we paid the fee. Not much choice in the matter. But you do not dare even bring up the subject because you seem ungrateful.

Would Christ approve of profiting off of a funeral? What message is this sending? Why not charge for baptisms? When did a pastors salary not become enough? This ala carte pricing seems greedy.

Thanks for writing about your concerns. This situation sounds unfair, unfortunate. One feeble suggestion that comes to mind: maybe in a few months, when you have some distance from these events and decisions and frustrations, write a note to the pastor and/or other leaders of the congregation. Tell them your concerns.

Sometimes (and I have no idea if it applies to this particular church), churches have had enough prior bad experiences with when or how people pay–or don’t pay–for the building use and personnel expenses related to funerals/weddings. That can lead them to charge hefty fees and can make the situation seem like a business deal. And a greedy one at that.

Regardless, I wonder if a note from you might help the church’s leadership understand some of the consequences of their “fee schedule?”

And, finally, how difficult this time must be for you and your family as you grieve your father’s death. The death of a loved one is always hard. During the holiday season, the anguish can deepen. Take care . . .

I always feel awkward talking about payment as well. I am actually looking for a pastor for my grandmother’s funeral and the way that I avoided an awkward conversation was simply telling the pastor that we are paying $300 for the service and asking whether he would he be able to do it. That way, he didn’t have to wonder and I didn’t have to put him in the awkward position of telling me what his “charges” are. As a minister, you serve the community from the heart but the community should understand that it is called to serve the pastor from the heart, too. We are all ministers to each other.

Thanks for this comment, Kameron. Offering a pre-established fee seems a worthwhile idea. That pastor can then respond based on her/his values/expectations/situation. Some may ask you to write the check out for a church’s mission, some may happily cash it and feel an appropriate fee has been paid, and maybe even some would clear a throat and say they normally charge more. Regardless, any next response is up to them. And I believe you are right . . . “We are all ministers to each other.”

Carson, I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way. You did a good job explaining the dynamics at play with the church. I probably am in the wrong to think like this so please forgive me if I offend you-I am only trying to widen the grace between all of us.

When your father gave of his time, money, and heart, he did it for the right reason: he did it for the Lord. For the Lord your father worked, your father gave, your father lived and breathed. Your father did not work for the church when he served. His time and energy was not spent to bless the church; it was spent to bless the Lord. Just reading about your father makes me believe that he would not begrudge the church for its fees. And, if that is true, I imagine it would bless him if you saw the church the same way he did.