Rice University produces some of the Department of Defense’s top weapons scientists, so it shouldn’t really be a surprise that a spectator in Houston was admonished by the referee tonight for “shooting lasers” at players on the field.

So the Navy has a laser cannon now. It's cool, I guess, except that it does not shoot any beams of light or make a "pew pew" noise or do any of the cool shit that a laser is supposed to do, really. Fictional lasers are much better. This is a ranking of fictional lasers.

Mark Beslach, the guy who bragged on Twitter about shining a laser pointer in Kyle Orton's face at the Bills-Lions game, was caught. Police charged him with disorderly conduct, and the Lions banned him indefinitely from Ford Field.

Though the Bills
took down the Lions in Detroit yesterday, not all was beer and skittles. During the game, quarterback Kyle Orton and holder Colton Schmidt complained to officials that someone had shined a laser pointer in their faces. And a dude on Twitter claimed to be the one behind it.

As Russian goalkeeper Igor Akinfeev went up to try and break up a cross, he had what appeared to be a laser shined in his face. Algeria's Islam Slimani ended up heading the ball in to knot the match at one in the 60th minute. Conspiracy theories go below.

Perhaps you heard about the latest hockey dad behavior, in which a maybe-well-meaning father shined a laser pointer in the eyes of the other team's goalie. But you probably hadn't heard that there's a long, fine tradition of shining lasers in pro athletes' eyes. Cristiano Ronaldo, naturally, gets it the worst. Josh…