Oh. Just talking about sailing the ocean blue, and our saucy ship's a beauty. Also, we're sober men and true, and attentive to our duty.

Grah, not the Pinafore...

Yep. You betcha. It's a musical Mailbag, and what better way to start a musical Mailbag than with a musical?

Not starting the Mailbag at all?

I do believe for once, Energon has a point.

Valid as a point it may be, his is not to reason why. His is but to do and die.

Isn't it "do or die"?

Not once I'm done with ya.

Ah, I can feel the love in the air.

Love is in the air... Something something... Don't know the words to that song...

Can you feel the loooove tonight... tonight... uh... anyways.

Yes. Anyways, it's a musical Mailbag, but no more singing from us... Yet. And as a special treat, Kagon has a new person to introduce to us. Kagon?

Oh yeah, well, I'm finally letting the guy who responds to all my emails and does all my work out of his cage for a while. Slalin, come here for a second.

*enters* ...Hi.

Goody. Another sidekick that I, Garland, shall knock down.

*mauls Garland*

Ow... *Body twitches*

*Laughs at Garland*

I should have warned you, he's a bit... hungry.

Hungry, eh? That's a good little slime...

*stares at 984 hungrily*

Hey. Calm down, boy. If you want to eat someone, eat, uh, Energon.

Err... Eep?

He doesn't look tasty...

Eh, Slalin, we'll worry about food later, just nab the first reply.

First response... Igatona.

Hey Kagon! Hey DG! Hmm...

[space] [space] [space] 984

[space] [space] [space] to you too, Iga.

Well, I don't know musicals, but I'd probably write one with the River City Ransom plot, at least, the way it was originally intended to be played out.

But since nobody wants to translate Downtown Nekketsu Monogatari, we'll never know.

Anyway, each time there'd be a battle, instead of hitting each other, they'd sing a song on how their cause is just or how they're making money or they have no choice to do it. It would be so cool, rake in millions, last for 30 years at Broadway and a lot of things.

Yes, I sure did mess up.

Compared to some of the other stuff we got, you didn't mess up at all.

I get the feeling he's referencing Cats, one of the weirdest musicals ever.

A musical based on Squaresoft's "Live A Live" would be fairly easy to write. It would have nine acts, each with a Weird Al Yankovic-esque song parody and a dance number with period costumes. The acts would revolve around one of the main characters, except for the ninth act, which would explain how the eight previous ones are related. I already completed Cube (the robot)'s song, and have ideas for Oboro (the ninja) and Akira (the giant robot anime hero) as you can see below.

Oboro's song (parody of "Mr. Roboto" by Styx)
Domo arigato, Mr. Ninjato
You saved us from total war
Domo arigato, Mr. Ninjato
Lord Ode's bad to the core

A hundred men I slayed
(Secret secret, a man of secrets)
Upon my palace raid
(Secret secret, he's cloaked in secrets)
A bloody mess I made
(Secret secret, a man of secrets)
Japan will never fade

I'm just a ninja
With secret orders
I'm not what you see
I'm not so heartless
I have my reasons
So we can be free
I'm a Shinobi
I love my country
I'll help it survive
It's not surprising
The sun is rising
Japan is alive

Japan is alive!
Ahh-ahhhh!
Japan is alive!
Japan is alive!

Akira's Song (parody of "Jockey Full of Bourbon" by Tom Waits)

In the not-too-distant future age
There lies a park with a taiyaki stand
A psychic hero with some pent-up rage
A bowling ball in a turtle's hand

A gang of motorcycle-riding thieves
Chibikko House has something new to fear
There's something up Inventor Toei's sleeve
The revival of an ancient Gear

Mind-reader man, run away home
The House is on fire, the orphans are alone
Mind-reader man, run away home
The House is on fire, the orphans are alone

Cube's Song (parody of "Coffee Connection" by Skavoovie and the Epitones)

Cogito Ergo Sum
The ship where I was made
Got a ferocious beast
The crew could sell and trade
But Rachel and Huey, they took the fall
With Pilot Kirk, and Captain Hall
It was up to me and Darth to save them all

I couldn't change a thing
The crewmen, they would fight
Because I couldn't speak
To set relations right
It was their hate, that did them in
And OD-10 exposed their sin
Only Darth and I remained when the screen said "Fin"

Of fate, it's an ironic twist
Darth always seemed like he was pissed
But the two of us stopped that cyber-terrorist

I make coffee
I make coffee

Who knew a harmless trip
Could become a nightmare?
So Darth's plan was, he'd shoot the behemoth while I go to the game room and hack "Captain Square"
A one-on-one with the CPU
On a planet known as "Kill you"
In case I died, before the fight I pressed F2

The incident has left us vexed
But nothing bad could happen next
Ian Kelley translated this chapter's text

I make coffee
I make coffee
I make coffee
I make coffee

The culprit spoke out
The crew wasn't behind this, I had no doubt
To punish the humans for causing a rout
Cause they just argue and pout
It wasn't Hall that I saw on TV
But a broken record with the same story
It was 0D-10 who caused a massive scare!
Anyone for "Captain Square?"

Its cathodes crashed
Its diodes burned
The mainframe's totalled
A lesson learned
Don't succumb to hate and fear
Do anything to spread good cheer
I'll play Akira next, cause his quest has a Gear

Well, you can take your dark
And you can take your light
And stage a war between them
But which side is right?

I make coffee
I make coffee
I make coffee
I make coffee

FOCLMAO !!!!!!!! 8D Those are too hilarious !!!! Great job 8D I like, I like ^^

Foclmao?

Fell off chair, laughing my ass off :P

Ah.

Right...

*Gets back up from laughing and wipes tears* Ahem......

Hmm... Clever. Nice changing of lyrics. Well, next up doesn't quite change lyrics, but that doesn't matter, now does it richard H. schurz?

I don't normally send in but this one is to good to resist, be forewarned I've been very tired lately and didn't get any sleep last night.

It's time for the Wizard of Oz, Edward starring as the Cowardly Lion thanks to that great hide command. Robo as the Tin Man, Fighter (FF1) as the Scarecrow (if I only had a brain...). The Wizard of Oz can be Dr. Light (yeah yeah I know only RPGs, but Megaman Legends was an RPG and someone had to have built Megaman) The Wicked Witch of the West? Naturally only the most evil creatures on the planet could fill her shoes if the heros are RPG characters so it's the... TELETUBBIES (I don't know if there's an RPG with them in it but the thought scares me) and finally, the natural choise for Dorathy is... Dr. Wily!!! No really it's Roll, she fits the Role (no pun intended) perfectly. Just imagine what it would be like 'Scarecrow "I like swords" Tinman "beep, swooord sword swordity sword sword" Cowardly Lion "I don't care if it is a musical STOP IT! Your driving me MAD (manical laughter)"

BahamutXero here. "Put an existing RPG into a musical", hmmmm. Well, I think FFVI can be made into a musical by itself. Every character can have a solo when introduced. Terra can do a song about not being able to feel love. Locke and Celes can do I love song together. Celes's solo in the opera would look good with proffesional doing it. I have the uncanny ability of remembering her whole song in the opera and can recite it in one breath :). Ready?

"Oh my hereo, so far away now, will I ever see your smile? Love goes away like night into day, its just a fading dream. Must I forget you, our solemn promise? Will autumn take the place of spring? What shall I do? I'm lost without you. Speak to me once more. I must part now. My life goes on, but my heart will never give you up. Ere I walk away, I won't age a day. I will love you always."

Ok that was kinda dumb, it's just that I think it's pretty catchy and it would be cool to see in a musical.

Ok..... Xero, you have TOO much free time ! I couldn't remember the entire score Oo

Quite impressive. I've really enjoyed the opera scene- I think it'd work out nicely as a musical.

An Eden's an adrogynous creature that lurks in the shadows of RPGC's chat room.

Sounds scary

Very.

Yes, very... remember...... the Teddy Bear ?

NO NOT THE TEDDY BEAR AHHHHH!

Heh :P

Who gets the final reply ?

Kag, you get it, Mr. Scaredypants.

Alright, and our last and largest reply, is from Doma Dragoon.

Ladies, gentlemen, deities of a draconic nature, robots and... um, whatever SG is, let me
introduce you to the musical which received rave reviews in no less than zero major newspapers!
Prepare yourself for the vomit-inducing extravaganza known as "Call Me a Treasure Hunter!"

Now would be a good time to note that anything in parentheses are not sung, but are instead
either spoken or stage directions. Also note that I have no musical talent, so pretend the songs are all right, OK?

Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of "Call Me a Treasure Hunter!"

Very well, Energon. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell.

(Our scene opens up in the slums of Midgar. A small group of poorer class citizens, led by the master "treasure hunter" Locke Cole, are going about their daily business. For Locke, life the past few weeks has been especially harsh, and he's starting to lose hope for the future. Cue song: "Skid Row" from Little Shop of Horrors)

Kain: Alarm goes off at seven
And you start uptown.
You put in your eight hours
For the powers that have always been.
Till it's five P.M.
Then You go

Squall: Downtown, where the folks are broke.
Downtown, where your life's a joke.
Downtown, when you buy your token, you go
Home to skid row.

Dekar: Yes, you go
Downtown, where the cabs don't stop
Downtown, where the food is slop
Downtown, where the hop-heads flop in the snow
Down on Skid Row

Squall: Uptown you cater to a million jerks.
Uptown you're messengers and mailroom clerks
Eating all your lunches at the hot dog carts.
The bosses take your money
And they break your hearts.

Crono: Uptown you cater to a million whores.
You disinfect terrazzo on their bathroom floors.
Your morning's tribulation, afternoon's a curse
And five o'clock is even worse
That's when you go

Aerith: Downtown, where the guys are drips.
Downtown, where they rip your slips.
Downtown, where relationships are no go.
Down on skid row

All: Down on skid row, down on skid row
Down on skid row, down on skid row!

Locke: Poor! All my life I've always been poor.
I keep asking God what I'm for,
And he tells me "Gee, I'm not sure, sweep that floor, kid."
Oh, I started life as an orphan, a child of the street
Here on skid row.
He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed,
Crust of bread and a job
Treats me like dirt, calls me a slob, Which I am...
Not!
Someone show me a way to get outa here,
'Cause I constantly pray I'll get outta here
Please, won't somebody say I'll get outta here
Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here.
Here on skid row...

(The cast shuffles off stage as a few nobles make their way on stage. They don't seem very happy to be here, but this is the only place where eccentric millionaire Setzer Gabianni will meet them. Looking at the filth, they become smug in their possessions or some other "materialistic is bad" type message thing. Cue song: "It's Good to Be Rich", imperialistic tone)

Nadia: There are some who are content
To be lying in the streets
With a crust of bread and cheap booze at their side.
I have slightly higher tastes
And can afford to indulge
From the mansion wherein which I do reside.

CHORUS: It's good to be rich
It's good to be rich
Oh yes, it's good to be rich.

Taloon: There are some who make do
With whatever they find
Scrounging for a penny or two
While at home I sit
And count all my gold
Such a "taxing" job for me to do.

CHORUS

Gobi: Such a dirty place
They should hire a maid
And maybe a bath once in a while.
You'd never catch me in such a poor state...

Gobi: My pouch!
It was here and now it's gone.
I know I brought it with me,
Kept it close to me,
So there is only
A single solitary
Explanation.
It was that scruffy, disreputable
Thief.

(Locke: Treasure Hunter!)
Whatever.
I need a policeman!
Gendarme! Copper!
Police, police!
You surely have to cease
The running of that beast
Who stole to say the least
My pouch full of valuables.
That damn thief.

(Locke, Squall, Kain: Treasure Hunter!)
Whatever.

Cecil: Halt!
Stay where you are!
I've been charged with a task
So in glory I can bask
I've got a few questions to ask
Maybe over a cask
Of ale?
So would you stop running now, please?
Bloody thief.

(All except Cecil and Gobi: Treasure Hunter!)
Whatever!

(Locke leads Cecil, Captain of the Midgar Militia, on a merry trek through the stage. It's entertaining. I wish you could see it. Oh well. Anyway, Locke finds himself under the windowsill of a very beautiful woman. You guessed it - Celes. Cue song: "My Heart's Been Stolen" - romantic ballad)

Locke: Ten minutes ago, I was perfectly fine,
Ignorant of the beauty on this world.
But now I find that my life has been turned upside-down.
My mind is running loose, with poems of love
For my heart's been stolen.
I just trudged through, my days full of nothing
But concern for getting my next meal.
Now I would starve myself willingly just for you.
My smile is getting wider, as I finally find
That my heart's been stolen.
What could I do, to make her notice me?
What could I get , to show my love?
What could I say, in properly honouring her?
How should I meet, with my cooing dove?
Ten minutes have passed, and I'm still in shock
As I gaze on the beauty of this world
My life is still recovering from being turned upside-down.
My mind still repeats, golden words of love
And my heart's been stolen...

(Cecil arrives and drags Locke off. Celes notices him, and seems to be in awe. Realistic? No. But who cares? Scene change to the Midgar Pit o' Despair, the holding cells for captured thieves. Locke laments his state for a few minutes - after trying unsuccessfully to pick the cell's lock - before a wall opens up. Out steps Yuffie, who leads Locke to a magical place where all dreams come true. He's met by Karn.

Locke: Who are you? How did I get here?

Karn: Those questions shall be answered in time. Just know that you're safe here.

Locke: But where's here?

Cue song: "The Thieves' Guild" - show-stopper)

Yuffie: Up in the streets we're chased and hunted down,
Caught and paraded right before we get the axe.
We need a place where the police fear to tread
Somewhere we can be free to just relax.

Bow: I see the beggars chase me down and try to kill me
Just for a loaf of bread I stole myself.
I need a place where I can eat and not be worried
That food in the open won't be harmful to my health.

Karn: So the thieving community gathers here
To hide and safeguard our plunders.
And now you've been invited to be one of us.
Locke Cole, will you join our numbers?

(Locke: What are you saying?)

Yuffie: For a while we've been watching, concealed in the shadows.

Bow: For you see, we had to be absolutely assured.

Karn: Your fine reputation, for doing the best work.

Yuffie: Your skills, they're just as good as we heard.

Bow: You're a foundation on which we would like to build.

Karn: To make this story short, we want you to join us in the Thieves' Guild.

(Locke: But I'm a treasure hunter!

Yuffie: Sure, and I'm the Queen of Coneria.

Bow: (bowing) Your Majesty!)

Karn: It's not like we're asking for you to kill.
You're a skilled, but sensitive creature.
Besides, you're much more valuable with no bounty on your head.
We want you to become a teacher.

(Locke: A teacher?!

Karn: Think of it - Locke Cole's School of Hard Knocks, Soft Feet, and Sticky Fingers! The greatest thieving academy in the known worlds!

Locke: But I'm...

Bow: We know, we know. Will you do it?

Locke: ...why not?

Yuffie: Great! Now we just need the boss' OK.

Locke: The boss?)

(Meanwhile, above the sprawling alleyways of the slums, the most influential man in all of Midgar is wringing his hands. Completely flustered, Setzer is waiting for the bride to be prepared for her wedding. Cue song - "Wedding Bells Are Ringing")

Setzer: So excited, I've got no time to spare
As my hair's being prepared
Have to prep the ushers
God, I'm flustered.
My only daughter's finally getting married!

CHORUS: Wedding bells are ringing
I'm so happy that I'm singing
It's a marriage made in heaven, that's for sure!
Wedding bells are ringing
And my heart within me's springing!
So my family line can continue to endure!

Setzer: I worried that I'd die before this day
Not live to give my girl away
But now I'm buoyed,
No, overjoyed
I just hope everything goes as it should...

(Setzer finishes with a flourish, only to have one of his servants - Kain - inform him that Celes is missing! (All right, who didn't see that one coming?) Setzer instantly believes that she's been kidnapped, and goes in search of someone who's able to find her...

(END OF DISK ONE. PLEASE INSERT DISK TWO.)

(DISK TWO INSERTED. HUZZAH.

We open to find Setzer wandering through the slums of Midgar. It's obvious that he knows his way around. Although the music from "Skid Row" is playing, there's no singing. Setzer arrives at a non-descript door and knocks three times. The door opens and he enters. Meanwhile, Locke's been teaching the others the basics of sneaking around. Setzer enters.

Karn: It's the Boss!

Locke: What?!

Setzer: I need your help.

Bow: After all the times you helped us out? No problem!

Locke: You mean that your boss is the world's richest gambler? Strangely, that makes sense.

Setzer: My daughter's gone. I need someone to find her.

Yuffie: Are you sure she didn't run away?

Setzer: Why would she? She was about to be married to the great merchant Gobi!

Yuffie, Bow, Karn, Locke: She ran away.

Setzer: In any case, I need a brave volunteer to return her safely. I'll offer any reward at all.

Locke: To save a damsel in distress? I'm in!

Setzer: Great! Here's her picture!

Locke looks at the picture and is shocked. Instantly, he rushes out to search. Cue song: "A Hero I Shall Be")

Locke: I thought that my life would be boring
Devoid of any sense of excitement
Just constant misappropriating.
But now I find there's more in store for me...
Sure, I live on the edge of life daily.
But that's simply for my own gain and profit
Now to save my lady love?
Oh yes, a hero I shall be.
I will trade blows with fearsome fighters.
I will search through the sandy shores.
I will scout out seedy hideouts carefully.
I will pick the locks of bank vault doors...

(people on stage glare at Locke.

Locke: What? Old habits die hard.)
So now I'm a knight in shining armour
In search of my fair princess.
My damsel in distress shall be free!
For a hero... (a hero?), yes a hero (not likely...)
Yes a hero I shall be.

(Meanwhile, Celes is searching around for someone, but gets ambushed by pirates. That's all I have to say about that. The pirates arrive at their ship, the "Spoony Bard". Cue song: "The Pirate Song" from The Curse of Monkey Island)

Faris :We're a band of vicious pirates,
A-Sailing out to see
When you hear our gentle singing,
You'll be sure to turn and flee!

Guybrush : Come on men! We've got to get going before they follow us!

Vyse: The pirate will be done for when he falls into our trap!
We're a club of rune-ful rovers,
We can sing in every clef,
We can even hit the high notes,
It's too bad we're tone deaf

CHORUS
Pirates: A pirate I was meant to be,
Trim the sails and roam the sea!
Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Guybrush : Let's go defeat that evil pirate!

Bikke: We know he's sure to lose cos' we know just where to fire at!
We're thieving balladeers,
We're a gang of Cut-Throat Mugs,
To fight us you don't need guns,
Just really good ear plugs!

CHORUS

Guybrush: All right crew, lets get to work!

Vyse : Our vacation is a thing we love, a thing we'd never shirk!
We'll fight you in the harbor,
We'll battle you on land,
But when you meet singing pirates,

Guybrush : They'll be more than you could stand...
No time for song! We've got to move!

Faris : The battle will be long but our courage we will prove!
We're a pack of scurvy sea dogs,
Have we pity? not a dram!
We all eat roasted garlic....
Then sing from the diaphragm.

CHORUS

Guybrush : Less singing! more sailing!

Bikke: When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!
If ye try ta fight us
You'll get a nasty wackin'
If you disrespect our singin'
We will feed you to a Kraken'

Guybrush : I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming.

Faris: We're ready to set sail, though the cannons need a-priming.
We're troublesome corsairs,
And we've come to steal your treasures,
We would shoot you on the downbeat, ...
But we have to rest five measures.

Celes: If I close my eyes, I can see him standing there.
Will I ever see his face again?
I could live through this torture, if he was at my side.
He must surely be the world's greatest thief...
For my heart's been stolen.

(Back up decks, Locke arrives as the pirates prepare to cast off. He challenges Captain Guybrush to a duel. Of course, it's insult fighting! And Celes is watching her hero battle!

Guybrush: You fight like a dairy farmer!

Locke: Um... right.

Guybrush: You make me want to puke.

Locke: Aren't we supposed to be fighting or something?

Faris: That is his idea of fighting. You have to insult him back and trump his insults.

Guybrush: People fall at my feet when they see me coming!

Locke: Even before they smell your breath?

Guybrush: There are no clever moves that can help you now!

Locke: Yes there are. You just never learned them.

Celes: You can do it! I have faith in you!

Guybrush: Ridiculous! You sound like a chapter from a self-help book!

Locke: Wait a minute, you're not Guybrush Threepwood!

Guybrush: Uh oh...

Locke: You're Kefka!

Kefka: Curses! Foiled again!

And with that, Kefka escapes off into the sunset. Locke and Celes are married, and they and the pirate crew set out for adventure. Cue finale - "Call Me A Treasure Hunter")

Locke: You can say that I pilfer, claim that I purloin,
But call me a thief and I'll kick you in the groin.
The word is much too crude, with so many bad thoughts.
Who cares if my wares are... not legally got?
So...

CHORUS:
Call me a treasure hunter
It's a name I rather like.
Don't call me a hood or a scoundrel
The terms, they aren't alike.
Call me a treasure hunter
Getting goods across the globe
‘Cause a treasure hunter's much better
At earning his treasure trove.

Locke: There are some who ransack, with no care for the effects.
They just travel along, from one town to the next.
They burn places down, but they're cooking their own goose.
When the vandals are caught, they'll be marched straight to the noose.

(Locke: While I conveniently arrive to liberate their ill-gotten goods, of course.)

CHORUS
So I'm a gentleman at heart, a man who's quite refined.
I don't have many faults, I'm truly very kind.
Can you blame me, then, when security is lax
If I make a small contribution to the Keep Locke Happy Tax?

CHORUS, end.

Curtain call. Silence. The end.

Wow. That was good. In fact, that deserves The Official 984 Seal of Approval! Even moreso because it included Vyse, but that's beside the point.

W00t ! Good show, I must say ! :)

Encore! Encore!

Hum........ we're not through yet, are we ???

Yep. That's it, but it's good to finish on such a high note, no pun intended.

Right ^^ So, the next topic is ????

Oh. Right. That would help. Well... Hmm... Oh! I got it! As we all know, games like Shenmue make use of a unique style of gameplay for RPGs. Now, we were wondering, what are your favorite RPGs in terms of uniqueness, whether it be gameplay, story, characters, etc. Send them to the usual place.

*Picks up GBA and starts playing TOG from scratch* Sigh... Why did I throw it out the window ? ;_;

To see time fly? Wait... Wrong joke.

Cuz you're an idiot !

....

What ?

Hey ! Slalin !! You can have Evil DG for lunch if you want...

Noooo !!!! Stay away from me !!!!

...Sounds good.

And we were all chased out of the Mailbag by the vicious slime, Slalin. The end.