Tuesday, April 25, 2006

3-2-1... Rapture!

Fortunately for The Left, I've been too busy protesting my chiropractor, my g.p., my orthopedic surgeon, the vet, & the VW dealer ($700 for tires & whatnot for the Praisemobile -- ouch!) to give them the Righteous Christian Thrashing they deserve. But just because I'm busy doesn't mean I'm not keeping tabs on their relentless assaults on the most Divine of The Lord's gifts to His fallen daughters of Eve: makeup, which helps us return to our lost state of Grace. Once again, it's time to update the Rapture Index to see how news stories about cosmetics can help us more precisely determine The Rapture's ETA.

†Junk science used to malign makeup: Here's a surprising development -- Liberal media is consipiring with ivory tower eggheads to prevent Christian women from practicing their faith in their own cars. We'll let the always reliable CBS News explain:

Eight out of 10 crashes involve drivers who are drowsy, using a cell phone, applying makeup or otherwise distracted from the road ahead, according to a government study released Thursday that videotaped people behind the wheel. ...

Reaching for a moving object while driving increased the risk of a crash by nine times, while reading or applying makeup from behind the wheel enhanced the risk by three times. Dialing a cell phone, meanwhile, increased the risk of a crash by nearly three times, researchers found. ...

Some safety organizations cautioned that the study was among a growing body of research and worried that it might set off reactionary laws across the states.

“I urge legislators not to interpret these results as a need for new legislative initiatives. It is simply not good public policy to pass laws addressing every type of driver behavior,” said Lt. Col. Jim Champagne, chairman of the Governors Highway Safety Association.

I'm sure Hillary and her anti-Glamour feminazis are crafting some Stalinist plan to criminalize the application of cosmetics as we speak. I anxiously await Heritage Foundation's rebuttal to these hacks, for Freedom's sake. In the meantime, increase Rapture Index by 2.

†Desecration of cosmetics: Har har har, nothing gives the moonbats a good laugh like mocking all that is good and Holy. They've done it again, this time by profaning cosmetics by comparing them to sinful alcoholic beverages:

Next time you're sitting at the bar sipping on a Bloody Mary, you can have lips that match your drink.

The Liptini Lounge, a new cosmetics line, features products that can be mixed to make various colors, the same way mixing different ingredients results in various cocktails.

So for those who like to get creative with their lip color, the seemingly endless possibilities of Liptini are perfect.

The line includes lipsticks, lip stains, lip pencils and lip glosses. All come in a wide range of colors, which are named after ingredients in a cocktail, such as "Grenadine" or "Cognac."

Is your favorite drink a sangria splash? To get the color with that name, start with the Banana Flip lip pencil, layer on the Bloody Mary lipstick and then add the Spritzer gloss on top.

Disgraceful, and I smell the fingerprints of binge-drinking feminists all over this one. In light of Naomi Schaefer Riley's recent OpinionJournal piece, I think we can say that any woman who wears this line of cosmetics is just begging to have her Christian Virtue compromised. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

†Les Peacecreeps target fragrances: The nexus of cosmetics and firearms has been relatively unexplored, even by me, but given the reception Flowerbomb perfume received in France, it promises to be the next battlefront in The Left's Global War on Beauty:

OSLO (AFP) - Flowerbomb, a perfume sold in a bottle the shape of a hand grenade, has been withdrawn from duty free shops at Oslo airport so that extremists will not be tempted to use it as a prop.

We told the duty free operator that this kind of product was not wanted inside the airport," airport spokesman Jo Kobro told AFP.

"The current regulations prohibit products in the shape of weapons and we think that this bottle could be used to scare passengers, just like a water gun could," he said Tuesday.

The decision came after a Norwegian passenger who was carrying a bottle of the perfume in her carry-on luggage was stopped by security officials at Beauvais airport, north of Paris.

Is this part of their policy of Muslim-coddling, or just general antipathy towards Christianity? It's hard to say, but it marks another shameful entry in the history of Old Europe. And what's up with Norway, who had previously signaled their committment to Freedom by joining the Coalition of the Willing? Are they trying to placate their own growing Muslim minority? Because burying your head in the permafrost isn't the answer. Make no bones about it, Christians: This is a very ominous development. Increase Rapture Index by 3, and Praise Him!

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