Saturday, June 3, 2006

So long, and thanks for all the fish

Back in Toronto, and, to demonstrate that WonderBaby's Royal Western Tour was not entirely a morose perambulation through the forests of despair, herewith a story. A story with a moral or two, and some cursing. Not for General audiences; Rated P for Parents Only.

The final leg of WonderBaby's Royal Western Tour brought us to Tsawassen, BC, just south of Vancouver, to visit a dear, dear family that are as close as family as friends can get without actually being related by blood (a family that consists of one Super Awesome Mom and four of the sweetest gentlemen - one big and three small - that one could ever hope to meet, let alone claim a bond of near-familial friendship with.)

It was one of the smaller of these gentlemen, a unusually keen 7 year-old (let's call him Clever Little Awesome Man), who, during the ride home from baseball practice last week, raised with his mother (the aforementioned Super Awesome Mom) a topic that some of us expect to have to address one day with our own children:CLAM: Mommy, why do you always call us 'dude'?

(OMG blog fodder. HBM's inner pad and pencil are readied for action.)

CLAM: Because, Mommy, it's a bad word.SAM: A bad word?

CLAM: Yes.

SAM: It's not a bad word. Why do you think that it's a bad word?

CLAM: Because it is a bad word.SAM: Who told you that it was a bad word?

CLAM: Nobody.SAM: Who told you?CLAM: Nobody.

SAM: Who?

CLAM: Nolan.SAM: (Raised eyebrow.)

CLAM: Nolan said it was a bad word.

SAM: What did he say it means?

CLAM: Nothing. (Precocious little-boy giggle)

SAM: What did he say that it means?

CLAM: Nothing. (Louder giggle.)

SAM: Can you come over here and whisper it to me?

CLAM: (In mother's ear) mumble mumble giggle mumble giggle.

SAM: I can't understand you, sweetie.

CLAM: mumble mumble mumble giggle.

SAM: I still can't understand you.

CLAM: (Loudly and clearly) DOLPHIN WEINER.

(Super Awesome Mom and HBM goggle at each other)

CLAM: HE SAID THAT DUDE MEANS DOLPHIN WEINER.

SAM: (Straight-faced) I think that Nolan gave you some bad information.

At which point HBM cannot contain herself any longer: I am totally blogging about this, OK? I am totally blogging about this.

And then, a quiet voice from the back seat: What's blogging?

Because CLAM's SAM has such tremendous respect for her child's information-gathering capabilities and for the savvy of his friends - Nolan, apparently, is a junior zoology buff - she decided that before we completely undermined Nolan's authority on all things dude and dolphin, we should check our sources and confirm our own information (that is, that dude does not, in fact, mean dolphin weiner. Because you never know.)

So, once home, down we sit with our respective laptops, babies on floor, older boys - CLAM and his younger brother, Clever Little Awesome Climber Kid (usually to be found on a fence or in a tree) - retired to the backyard, and Google pages open in front of us. Laughing our fucking asses off. (That moratorium on cursing? Over. 'Cuz, um, HA.) Dolphin wiener!!! DOOOOOD! Do you think that dude really means that? I don't know, dude. Dolphin wiener is pretty weird, dude.

(I won't go into the Google Search Result details. Let's just say that when you google 'dolphin genitalia' you become one of those crazy google pervs that turn up on sitemeter. Beyond that, you don't want to know.)

Things then took a dramatic turn for the surreal when, just as two thirty-something mommies are shrieking DOOOOOD! at each other in reaction to the decidely non-zoological page that opened up after they clicked on a dolphin-penis link that they should not have clicked, two small boys came running into the room, anxious to know what are you doing Mommy? MOMMY?!?

And when the older baby (WonderBaby's Big Cool Boy Friend, baby brother to CLAM and CLACK) started squealing, just at that moment, his first words:

Doood! dood. dood. dood. dood. DOOD!

And when, as laptops slammed shut, the boys demanded to know the following: are you blogging?

Something bad indeed. Something that respectable mothers probably shouldn't be doing. Telling tales about street slang and the sex lives of sea mammals. Exploiting the charming moments of childhood for a laugh. Poking fun at some kid named Nolan.

You will also find this claim: "Vanity Smurf is a dude." (Which is, I think, contradicted by the scholarly claim, cited above, that 'dude' is a signifier of strict heterosexuality. But given that Wikipedia asserts that 'dude' once referred to a dandy, I think that we are on safe etymological ground here.)

And, you will find this assertion: "Fake etymology of the word suggests that this slang term originally came from a term that meant a camel's penis. The origin of this myth is unknown."

Camel. Not a dolphin, but still. Both mammals. Both in possession of genitalia.

The lesson here: never underestimate 7 year-old zoologists. (Also, never Google dolphin genitalia. Or camel penis. But I digress.)

Nolan, my hat is off to you. Your zoological expertise may be a touch imprecise and perhaps more indebted to urban mythology than to science, but it is nonetheless impressive. That, or you are more pop-culturally savvy than a thirty-something Humanities lecturer.

Either way: DUDE.

********

And with that, we resume blogging per usual. I'm now off to visit everybody, having not been able to do my rounds while on tour. (And to update Love-in/Group Hug links - which are still coming in!)

Because I am a big nerd, I looked it up in the OED. I'd heard somewhere that dork meant whale penis, but apparently the OED disagrees, mostly. They had only 2 definitions, one of which was slang for penis. (no animals are specified)

Children are sleeping so I must. not. laugh. out. loud. But when the boys caught you hiding the dolphin porn and demanded, "Are you blogging" it took both hands to keep the scream of laughter from getting out. And then the camel pic! Note to self: do not read HBM while children are sleeping.

Sweet!Trying to come up with Dolphin wiener hot dog joke but it's just not working. Oh well. Glad you are back.

Oh & speaking of penii(?) there's a museum I went to in Iceland full of specimens. Perhaps we can send Nolan there. here you go and some more (remember to right click if you don't want the link to take over the comment box)

My father used to cringe when I would use the term "dork", as he considered it to be slang for "penis". When I told him that colloquially it was synonymous with "nerd" or "geek", he throttled back.

Speaking of my father, I will forward the link to the scholarly discussion of the word "dude", which was generated by the university from which he earned his MS in Engineering (and where I flunked out of the undergrad Engineering program). I'm sure he will be just as proud as I am to have attended such a fine, serious-minded institution of higher learning.

Dude, my father once told me (recently, too) that the word "dork" is a reference to a whale penis. That's what I was thinking about the whole time I was reading this. I never went so far as to research it, but considering the source (my dad) it could be completely true, or it could be a buncha crap intended to get a laugh out of me.

I just read non-linear girl's comment, so I guess my dad was only partly right.

Hello Bad Mother. I know you put this blog up a year ago....but my husband and I laughed so hard at our own similar experience with this expression - and search for the true meaning. My first response was to type in dude for the definition - then (embarrasingly) "camel penis". I am so glad we found your site. I hope that we haven't unwittingly joined you on some beastiality pervert site - as innocent parents trying to uncover the truth. lol.Thanks for the enlightenment.The Davies Family