Hell of a DayThere I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, Grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! "But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Dear Sir, I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile,my reasons are numerous,and having been married for 7 yearsand having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method,despite trying the Tango and Samba ,my wife fell pregnantand I ruptured myself doing the cha cha.

The doctor suggested using the safe period ,at that time we were living with in laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for a safe periodwhen the house was empty,needless to say this didn't work.A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright.it was hardly Newcastle brown ale but I did finish up with a clear skin,silky hair and felt very healthy,but my wife was pregnant!

Another old wives tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy.After constant breast feeding (including) my earlier attempt my wife jumped up and down but finished up with 2 black eyesand knocked herself unconcious.I asked the chemist about the sheath ,the chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet.My wife fell pregnant again which didn't really surprise me as I fail to see how the Durex stretched over the thumb as the chemist showed can prevent babies.

She was then supplied with the coil and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realised we had got a left hand threadand my wife was definately a right hand screw.The dutch cap came next we were very happy about this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but it did give my wifesevere headaches.We were given the largest size available but it was still tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill,at first it kept falling out,then we realised we were doing it wrong .My wife then started putting it between her knees,this prevented me getting anywhere near her.This did work for a while until the night she dropped the pill.You must appreciate my problem, if this application is unsuccessful I will have to resort to oral sex-- but then just talking about itcan never substitute for the real thing.

little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath.Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag.”“Oh, rats! Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..”“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my yard is right next to the baseball stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my garden. It used to really annoy me and kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the most of it?’ So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my shears. Every time some guy sticks his dingus through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $50, or I cut off your johnson!”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”A“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays

The 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'Seniors Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said,'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'Yes!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We’ve been around the block more than once!Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!Even Non-Seniors will appreciate it!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" GOOD NITE FOLKS