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The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

BRUSSELS—Hailing the effort as their most promising confectionary-extraction project to date, Godiva executives held a press conference Wednesday to announce that one of their deep-sea rigs had successfully tapped the world’s largest known offshore ganache deposit.

MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to address a hostile work environment, executives at Western Sun Media Consulting reportedly distributed a staff-wide memo Thursday encouraging any women at the company who had experienced sexual harassment to come forward with a resignation letter.

MILFORD, CT—As part of the standardized instruction each employee receives before heading out to work in franchises worldwide, a new class of Subway trainees were reportedly assigned their own sandwich cadavers this week to help them learn how to locate and identify the meals’ various internal structures.

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

ANN ARBOR, MI—Giving customers the ability to keep tabs on their order through every step of the process, Domino’s Pizza announced Tuesday the release of a new app that lets users track the progress of their food as it moves through the human digestive system.

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

IRVING, TX—Addressing the world’s plant and animal life directly during a press event Friday, officials from ExxonMobil vowed to bestow lenient treatment on any species that surrendered to the corporation voluntarily.

DAYTON, OH—Throwing the generally positive customer review section into a state of disarray, a contrarian Amazon user reportedly upended the critical consensus Monday by giving a set of three Sunland-brand $18.99 microfiber bath towels a one-star rating.

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces.

NEW YORK—In what many are calling a shameless and creepy attempt to court a much younger demographic, 55-year-old brand Frito-Lay was seen clearly targeting 18-to-24-year-old females this week with a new campaign for reduced-fat snacks, sources confirmed.

SPRINGDALE, AR—Responding to activists’ demands that they discontinue the use of cramped pens and give their poultry space to roam freely, executives at Tyson Foods moved quickly Tuesday to assure critics that their chickens are physically incapable of walking even if they had enough room to do so.

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move designed to streamline the product’s interface and facilitate one of the more common interactions between customers and the ride-sharing service, Uber announced Wednesday that its newest update would allow users to file a lawsuit against the company from directly within the app.

VANCOUVER—Conceding that they would have to go back to the drawing board and start over with a new approach, executives for the fashion brand Lululemon were reportedly furious Tuesday after a focus group left a testing session for a new line of women’s clothing with their self-esteem fully intact.

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

IQUITOS, PERU—Saying he was trying not to think about how awful the next few days would be, master ayahuasca shaman Piero Salazar expressed his sense of dread Tuesday as he confirmed his week would once again be spent guiding American tech CEOs to spiritual oneness.

CHICAGO—The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation went on a wild endowment binge last weekend, recklessly giving away more than $170 million in grants and fellowships in a 48-hour span.

Fanton and Hutton in the midst of their wild endowing spree.

"We got pretty out of control there with the endowing," said foundation president Jonathon Fanton, icing down his check-writing hand while recovering Monday. "It started Friday afternoon, when [Vice President and Chief Financial Officer] Lyn [Hutton] suggested we give a grant to the Foundation for Urban Renewal for their tireless efforts to rebuild America's struggling inner cities. Then, [Treasurer] Marc [Yanchura] said Save Our Cities was doing even better work, so we threw them on the pile, too. Things kind of snowballed from there, and by 4 a.m., we'd given $81 million in grants to 16 different groups. I think we even gave a few million to [rival philanthropic organization] Pew Charitable Trusts."

After a brief pause Saturday afternoon, the endowing resumed. The generous support of nonprofit activities in the arts and culture, education, the environment, health and human services, and public policy continued deep into the night.

"Saturday, around 3 p.m., we all went out for breakfast. Over eggs and Bloody Marys, we talked about the night before and how crazy we'd gotten," Fanton said. "But when the sun went down that night, we started right back up again with the endowing. Mostly to public radio networks under the General Program, but also 20 or 30 theater companies and a shitload of PBS fellowships. Half the people who've ever appeared on Sesame Street are MacArthur Fellows now."

While the bulk of the money went to groups falling under the foundation's Program on Human and Community Development, a considerable portion went to less noble causes, including the 3-2-1 Contact Preservation Society and the Recumbent Bicycling Hall Of Fame.

"At the time, it felt like the right thing to do," Fanton said of the binge. "It wasn't until we woke up Sunday morning that we were like, 'Holy shit... how much did we endow this weekend?'"

According to Vice-Chairman Elizabeth McCormack, the endowment binge is a result of the foundation's low self-esteem.

"It seems like the only time we feel good is when we're awarding endowments," McCormack said. "The pain and pressures of the outside world vanish, and it's as though you and the beneficiary are all that exist. That's a tough high to come down from. Deep down, we knew it was reckless, but we kept making rationalizations like, 'Well, the Program on Global Security and Sustainability is of heightened importance during this crossroads moment in world history.'"

McCormack's concern was echoed by experts in the field of grant-writing.

"When the stress of operating a charitable foundation gets to be too much, the urge to endow often takes control, overriding all logic and common sense," said Martin Wingreen, author of Giving Their All: The Secret Shame Of Compulsive Philanthropy. "Under the sway of such an intense sensation, the grant giver just can't resist funding every non-profit in sight."

Acknowledging that his group "has a problem," Fanton pledged that the foundation's Board of Directors would seek endowment counseling and join a philanthropy-addiction support group.

"After hearing about our endowment binge, the chair of the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation gave me a really encouraging phone call, saying they'd gone through the same thing in the '80s," Fanton said. "He said they eventually learned not just to think about world betterment, but also to take time for themselves, and that was their turning point. Now, they're a solvent and robust organization again. I really needed to hear that."

"As a charitable foundation, we can do a lot of good in the world," Fanton added. "We just need to make sure not to do too much good at once."