-You're too old to trick or treat. If you're old enough to have kids, you're too old to trick or treat.

-I always think of you guys as embryos. You must've been so cute!

-You can't catch cancer.

-You're like-- 'that's the story of my life, Peevyhouse.'

-You could be allergic to dust mite poop.

-I put you guys into piles.

-Sometimes I just get really sad.

-Goodbye, sweet America...

-Don't let your children run on the freeway.

-What the WHAT?!

You know what’s embarrassing? Dying in class!

I was getting ready to go into full EMT mode. I was about to get my Heimlich on.

Thanks for living! Today is so much better, man. It’s a great day now.

Nicknames, I can’t just make it up... it has to be natural, organic...like Heimlich back there!

It’s like using the wifi at Starbucks. I wouldn’t use it for your spy stuff.

One of the greatest moments of my life was when I realized that I would never have muscles and would never be tan. And I was like, oh, cool! Now I can move on!

So when you see a cow sittin’ there, it just threw up. And it’s chewin’ on it!

We don’t want you to be constipated - they’re so grumpy!

You’re a miraculous big ol’ bag of chemicals!

I’m sorry I ruined your day. Actually, I’m not! I’m not sorry at all!

You just looked like someone who could use grapes.

Yes, the birds bump into the bees...wait, did you set me up?!

I have watched enough movies to know that you never give up. Some kind of Romeo and Juliet situation always happens. Five minutes after you drink the seawater, the plane always come...never give up, you guys. Never give up.

No, go ahead and take a bath. Actually - PLEASE take a bath.

I believe, based on a sample size of me...you know when you’re swimming and you always have to pee?

DEFINITELY go to the doctor if you find urine in your blood. Something’s WRONG!

I don’t wanna be too gross, but I think we’ve gone past that.

And then go instagram it! #technicolorpee

Sunshine, happy pee!

As soon as it came out of my mouth, I was like, “Why did I say ‘Armadillo Factory’?!”

I don’t wanna get leprosy either, so I’m gonna go with a ‘no’ on the pet armadillo.

If you want hours of entertainment, just go to Grandma...

It’s not easy being twenty five. ;)

You can’t argue with ‘nose-goes’

Tornadoes are catastrophic...it’s gonna break down....trailers.

If you’re lucky, for a couple seconds you have the wildest ride of your life... and then you are no more.

Sometimes the headphones come out of your pocket untangled...but more likely, you’re dead.

I am smart enough to know that I don’t know anything, and wise enough to admit it. I just made that up - man, that was gold!

Every one of you is hot AND explosive.

You know what they say, “no brain, no pain.”

My goal in life is to plant trees under whose shade I do not intend to sit.

When I die, I want a memorial urinal in the bathroom.

I can’t afford to go to Denny’s today... better open up another can of cat food.

If you’re sitting there eating cat food, as a retiree, you’re not helping anyone!

*upon being asked to run for president* Heck no! No one wants me!

That’s a lotta Ramen, baby!

And you could eat your way out of a cookie jail.

Someone should use “Phosphofructokinase” as the middle name for their first child. Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue?

Well, you know I am the real Slim Shady, right?

I’ll tell you what, you go swimming and I’ll shoot some rounds at you and see which ones hurt. I call that an ‘authentic assessment’!

And then they’re like “Oh look! Nemo! How cute!” No, they actually shoot you.

Oh yeah, I’m a doomsday prepper. That why I live in a compound with a bunker. What, where here is it? You know, undisclosed location.

All you Harry Potter nerds... I mean, “fans”...

You didn’t know that? There’s Barry White playing in every mitochondria of your body.

It’s a secret map to...you. Oh, it disappeared.

Stick with two pieces of KFC Chicken...or you’re in for some brutal digestion.

Try it some time...you’ll be a hero. Bring a bucket of chicken to a potluck.

My wife said the most beautiful thing to me the other day....she said, “Honey, I think we need a bigger TV” and I was like, “Oh my gosh! I love you so much!!!”

I’m gonna haunt some of you when I’m dead if you don’t put a title on your graphs...I’m gonna come back. I will!