I completed my graduate degree at night while working a full-time job during the day. When I finished, I didn’t read for a year. No books, no newspapers, no magazines. I was so burnt out from school, it was my way to detox and feel in control of my free time. Since then, I’ve taken classes to meet people with similar interests. I even registered to start pre-law classes at John Jay, but withdrew after 9/11.

Now online ed/distance learning is the thing and I’m back in a corporate environment that makes you create personal “development” goals. It’s all monkeyspank, I know. Anyone that knows me, knows I can personally develop by changing vibrator attachments. But whatever, I’ll play the game.

I registered for a six-week brand writing class and let me tell you, I’m through with school and admit I’m too old for this shit: homework deadlines, people that ask dumb questions, and professors that have less professional experience than me.

Deadlines and stupid people? I can just work late. I’m back to getting my education through books, documentaries, and life experience.

My first 90 days in Santa Barbara are complete and I can say, I’ve survived. If my blog is going to continue with nonfiction observations and intermittent dating stories, I may not have much material to work with. Or I need to step up my game.

Like most relationships, I go in with no expectations so I can be pleasantly surprised. SB Man and I had a nice time getting to know each other after I moved here. I was probably still detoxing off the LA dating scene and smitten with his communication skills and planning. Great guy, but not a good match for the long haul. And that’s what dating is about.

I got to experience my first MeetUp stalker shortly after I arrived in Santa Barbara. He told me redheads were like unicorns here and then proceeded to tell me he read my whole blog, from 2003 to present, and wanted to meet me about a project. We had coffee and he pitched partnering on a writing idea. In the next sentence he admitted he was ADD and couldn’t focus. At some point after that he told me he was good at oral sex and would like to hang out. Santa Barbara was starting to feel more like LA again.

In an effort to put myself out there and try to meet new people, I finally attended a MeetUp event. The organizer took my card and asked me out. By the next morning, he’d read my blog and he wanted to meet sooner. Apparently, I’m intelligent and funny. He opened the date with “We have to be friends, is that ok?” and went on to explain that he realized I hadn’t had a long-term relationship in a long time. (He’s been married twice). He wouldn’t give me a pass based on the fact that I lived in LA for the last seven years. I told him he was scared of me which is usually the case when they read my blog. We’ve met a couple times since and he told me he liked me because I have a “nice bladder.” While I’m not relationship material, my beer drinking skills give me a whole new layer of attractiveness.

And there you have it: the good, the odd, and the weak. So far, dating in Santa Barbara is turning out to be on par with LA. My friends beg me to leave this state, but how can I? It’s a wealth of material.

This guy, let’s call him my boyfriend, asked a very difficult question recently. “So, when are you going to write about me?” I gave my standard response, “I only write about bizarre LA dates and people that screw up. I actually like you.”

I’m not sure if his ego kicked in, or if he wanted to provide input on my blog genre. “But don’t you want to let women out there know there IS hope?” he asked.

Oh, I know there’s hope out there. For me, it usually comes from Toys in Babeland. This guy has managed to survive two cycles with me. If he can make it four seasons, then that’s something to write about.

About Marna

Marna’s writing career started as a Pentagon intern. Early exposure to $500 toilet seat press releases made her appreciate creative nonfiction. Now she has more than 25 years of senior-level marketing and communications success working with Fortune 100 companies, government, nonprofits, small businesses, startups, and agencies.