Resources, personal stories, communication techniques, and strategies for survivors of sexual abuse who are ready to break free from the past and return to their genuine self.

October 8, 2013

Letting Go: Some Tools to Help

Okay readers, we are in for a real treat this month. Tina Nies, Life and Vision Board Coach, will be sharing with us insights and tips about letting go and letting love, particularly self-love, in.--

I’m grateful for the feedback on last week’s post: LettingGo: What Does It Mean to You? Maybe you
tried out the idea that when you are in the moment of a stressful situation,
you look for the good, just for a moment. Maybe in that moment, an idea came to
you about how you could lessen the stress or resolve the situation.

This week, I’d like to share three tools or practices that
I’ve used to lessen my grip on my ropes and release some of them altogether. These
three tools have helped me become someone that people constantly ask how I
stay happy all the time. Well, I’m not happy all the time. I get sad. I get
mad. I mess up. But I do always look for the good in even those sad and mad
times; I do keep my positive outlook even when I mess up.

I practice the following tools because they make me feel
good overall and feeling good helps me let go of not only old stuff, but helps
me not collect new stuff!

That may sound funny, but how many of us go through life
holding on to the old hurts, habits, fears, etc. AND collect some new ones
along the way. For example, if we’ve never let go of a hurt that was done to
us, then we might keep feeling hurt by new people over and over and over… even
when hurting us was never the intention of the accused “new doer of the
hurting.” We simply received it in a
hurting way because we’re still holding onto an old experience, belief, and
maybe habit. OR maybe we continue to attract those same situations into our
life, because even if we are not happy, we know what to expect in that
situation. Maybe it’s all we really know, so we are uncomfortably, unhappily,
“comfortable” with it.

It might sound weird, right? Why would anyone do that?

BUT, it’s not really weird. I believe we each do the best we
can with what we’ve got, with what we believe, with what we’ve learned from our
experiences and what we may learn from well-meaning friends, family,
therapists, spiritual counselors and more. Sometimes though, it just doesn’t
seem to work or it doesn’t seem to make sense. Sometimes it feels really hard
to let go of any of it.

One practice that I use every day is something that takes
just two minutes a day!

Yes, just two minutes – it’s a combination of tools put into a
simple daily practice. It can be done anywhere, anytime. It’s my 40 Day
LoveFest practice of self-love and reflection. I’ve written a couple of books
on this practice and it’s the foundation of all the work I do through coaching,
workshops, even training of others to share this practice of self-love.

There are 3 steps to the LoveFest practice:

Step 1

In the morning (or anytime) take one minute to
identify three things you are grateful for. Day 1 might be easy, probably even
on our worst days, we are grateful for something. So, as you do this every day,
try not to repeat the exact same things. Instead, dig a little deeper in your
gratitude. For example if today you are grateful for your child, tomorrow think
of why you are grateful for that child, maybe they have a cute sneeze, or they
make the best funny face, or you are grateful for your reading time
together. If you are grateful for the sun, why, what about it do you enjoy?
When you practice this daily, you begin to look for more good in your life and your
hold on the negative stuff lessens.

Step 2

Throughout the day, most of us look into a mirror
many times, when we wash our hands, brush our hair, get dressed, etc. At least
once during the day, when you are already looking into a mirror (so this takes
no extra time), say something nice to yourself. If you can, tell yourself, “I
like you” or “I love you” or “Nice sweater.”
It doesn’t have to be deep and soulful, it can be simple, but say
something positive. If you really have a tough time with this, try telling
yourself “you have possibilities” or just remind yourself of something nice
you’ve done for someone like “that was nice of you to hold the door for the
woman struggling with her bags at the mall.” After practicing this once a day, you’ll begin
to look for nice things to say multiple times a day!

Step 3

In the evening (or anytime), take one minute to
acknowledge yourself for three things you accomplished that day, big or small. I
like to call them my Daily Triumphs, because even the little things we do lead
us to our bigger goals. For example, a student celebrates graduation, we have a
party, and it’s a big triumph, right? But each day, that student might study,
write a paper, study for a test, get tutoring, do research, meet with a study
group, etc. Each of those things is important to acknowledge.

It’s the practice of the above three steps that makes them
powerful. Doing them one time might feel good in the moment, but doesn’t really
help us let go of anything. By focusing on the good for just those two minutes a day, we’re practicing letting go of the focus on the not so good.

For example, let’s say you hate your job and you drudge
through it every day, feeling bad that you can’t quit because you rely on the
income. What if every day on the way to work, you thought about one thing you’re
grateful for about the job, even if only the paycheck. Maybe tomorrow, you
remember that you’re grateful for friends you’ve made, then the next day, you
remember that you have a favorite client at that job and pretty soon you’re not
dreading going to work and maybe you even begin to like the job a little… in
part because you’re letting go of that rope that you held onto so tightly – the
belief that you hated your job.

Now, what if you also on the way home thought about one thing
you accomplished at work that day, maybe making a customer smile, or finishing
a report on time or making a sale. You can end your work day on a positive
note and go home to enjoy your evening… you could even think about one thing your
grateful for is that the workday is ended!

You might still want to look for a new job, or learn a new
skill to get promoted, but while you’re doing that, at least you’ll feel
better. When you feel better, you’ll see more possibilities for solutions.

The next tool I want to share is a practice of forgiveness.

For many of us, forgiveness is very important in letting go
or beginning to love ourselves. This practice is something you can use as a
step to forgive yourself or others, but let’s just start with forgiving
yourself today. I invite you to think about
just one thing you want to forgive yourself for – what in the first thing that
pops into your mind?

It could be something from 10 min ago or 10 years ago. For
this you’ll need a notecard or small piece of paper, like a Post-It™ and a pen.
It’s important to have something small because we want to keep this very simple
and short.

In this practice of forgiveness, we don’t want to get bogged
down with how it happened or why or will it happen again. In this exercise, we
simply want to forgive. Of course it’s good to be conscious of how it happened and
not wanting it to happen again and there are all kinds of exercises, therapy,
coaching, etc. that you can do around that. But in just the act of forgiveness,
in just this one special piece, the details aren’t important. This is true when
we’re forgiving ourselves AND when we forgive others. It’s this simplicity that
allows us to forgive and begin to let go.

Using the following format and choosing or creating the
wording that best fits for you, write your note of forgiveness to you!

Dear Tina,

I forgive you for ________________________. (keep this
simple – just the act, no long details). You’re okay anyway OR I like you anyway OR I love you anyway
OR I’m going to practice forgiving you until I like you OR something that feels
right for you.

Hugs, sincerely, love, warmly, OR whatever feels right to
you,Tina

If we don’t take the extra step of saying something like,
“you’re okay anyway” (regardless of what we did), then sometimes we still want
to beat ourselves up. Even if we say the words I forgive you or someone else
forgives us, we still punish ourselves. The idea that we can like ourselves anyway,
that we’re okay anyway takes us in the direction of letting go of the need to
hold onto that guilt, shame, and negativity around it.

It’s a simple letter and if you don’t want anyone to ever
see, tear it up or burn it! If this is something that you’ve been holding onto
tightly or for a while, this one time of writing the note is just the
beginning. You may want to repeat this, every day if you need to, until you
begin to really feel that you’re forgiving yourself and meaning it.

If you do keep the note, don’t just read it every day, but write
it again. The physical act of writing it over and over will help it go deeper,
so that you believe it and it’s not just words, not just another exercise you
do. It also only takes 30 seconds after you’ve done it the first day, so it’s
simple, takes very little time and no soul-searching work because you are just
repeating the same words you wrote the day before.

Lastly, this third tool is something that we can do to help
us feel better about ourselves in the process of forgiveness, loving and
letting go.

Sometimes when we forgive ourselves, we still feel like it’s
not enough. So, IF it makes you feel better, find something you can do to help
someone else through a similar situation, share your story, volunteer somewhere,
or give to a charity that makes you feel good.

And even though you might be giving to others, it’s a
forgiveness gift to you. I use this practice!
Sunday mornings, I spend an hour at my local juvenile detention center. I
simply hang out with them sharing love. We do activities, I give them 40 Day
LoveFest journals, I share with them everything I share with clients, but I do so
as a volunteer. I’d like to see every detention center have someone like me
come in and share love, and that may be a new goal in my future. But for now, I
simply go and share my story and teach them tools about loving and letting go.

What could you do to make yourself feel better in this
process?

This isn’t about paying back, retribution, penance, etc.; it’s about taking action to feel better. It’s not a requirement to forgive,
but because we often feel guilt and shame, this can help you feel better so you
can practice loving and letting go.

These are just a few simple, but extremely powerful tools
you can use in your journey of letting go. I’d love to hear back if you have
tried some of these things in the past or if you are going to try them now!
What I suggest if you do give one a try, go into it with the intention of making
it a practice, not something you do once because you read this article. The
first time might not seem like much, but with practice, you’ll feel your grip
on your rope loosen and maybe even fall away.

--

Tina Nies is a Certified Life Coach and Vision Board Coach. Her passion is building and strengthening an individual’s self-love as a foundation for success. Tina empowers individuals with a foundation to develop their vision and create action strategies for success as they grow and explore their happiness.

In her simple practice self-love, Tina also focuses on raising awareness of the power of our choices. In each moment, the choices we make impact our success and determine whether or not we reach our goals in business or personal life. “Encouraging people to say yes to choices that lead them to their deepest desires and true happiness and no to choices that do not serve their best interests is extremely powerful”