Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs. Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them. And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them. At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste. Ditto with a giant box of books. That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs). All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about? Anything. Your favorite toe. The pet names of your body parts. How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. The number of bodies you can fit under your bed. It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe. Thank you for being that tribe. And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

I can fit exactly zero bodies under my bed. It’s right one the floor, no frame. Mostly because my cats kept messing with the frames and I was worried they would break it and then the bed would fall down on top of them.

So many things I could comment on! My car’s name is the “purple princess”. She’s a 1996 Volkswagen Jetta that won’t go over 80 km / hr and drops gears going up hills. We have to treat her like a princess to keep her going.

I have a great love for taxidermied rodents, but can’t own any because my dog eats them. This is a serious flaw in my existence. On the other hand, she’s pretty cute, and the cat likes her, so I guess it’s ok. I did pre-order and buy the hard back version but…EXTRA CHAPTERS!!!!!!

Thanks to my Mother being only able to keep cheese pizza and ice cream in her stomach while pregnant with me (she’d upchuck everything else), I could literally eat both things forever. The pizza is partly to blame for my move to Chicago. 😉

Okay – not about GLASS cow eyeballs, but cow eyeballs, nonetheless. When I was in OAC biology, I spent a day doing tours of the lab for grade nines. My triumphant finale was cutting open a cow eyeball, and squirting one of the new kids. I’d say I went through… twelve? So I’ve used fourteen eyeballs in my lifetime. Though not glass. Also – maybe three bodies under the bed, depending on girth.

I will use this opportunity to tell you that my pelvis feels like it is splitting in half because I have twins growing inside of me, because that is pretty much the only thing on my mind right now. I’m not really sure how anything else COULD be on my mind right now with all of that going on.

And I ordered pizza and learned that Domino’s delivers chocolate dipped cookies. If only they delivered Twix bars, I’d be pretty certain they were my guardian angels. I was tempted to put in the delivery comments that I would tip them extra if they stopped and got me a Twix bar on their way here.

True story. My grandma has a kind of funny little toe that doesn’t bend down. She had a dream about me the night before I was born and BAM, my toe is like that too. Strange. And annoying in that I can never wear pointy-toed shoes.

If I ever write a book, the first sentences will be what my mom said to the doctor after being in labor (for 36 hours, oops) with me:
Mom: (face crumbles) “Oh you poor baby!”
(Frantically looks at the doctor)
“Will she always look this way???”

Well, I can only fit 1 body, maybe, under my bed (it’s one of those platform beds, with the drawers?), but when I went shopping for my new car about 2 years ago, I judged which ones were worthy of a test drive by how many bodies they could fit. My car? Easily 4 or 5, if you have them in pieces!

I’m glad I practiced my english accent for so long. It came in very handy indeed.
Also, I don’t have any actual glass eyeballs, but I did recent;y receive a shipment of tiny glass globes that could easily be turned into eyeballs. I have a whole 20 so, if you need any just lemme know.

When I was in 5th grade my class was supposed to dissect a cow eyeball. I heard that if you didn’t want to do it, for ethical reasons or just because, you could opt out and spend the class period in the library. I wasn’t too into eyeballs so I said I objected on moral reasons: why should a cow have to lose its eye just so I could cut it up. But really I just couldn’t believe thus let me spend a whole class period in the library. It was my favorite place.

Then, in high school we dissected frogs. It was so awesome and cool and I learned so much that I realized I probably should have dissected the eyeball.

Not that you could dissect a glass eyeball, but it reminded me of that lost opportunity. Give me your book!

I can’t believe I haven’t read the book yet… but, well, I haven’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you!! I was hoping to have something witty to add in an attempt to increase my odds of winning… but I’m all out of wit for today.

I think I could fit like 6 or 7 bodies under the bed. Cats would not be pleased though.

The first time I read your book was last year, and I was almost done when I was waiting to go into surgery. The last thing I read before going in was about the smoking unicorn. Thanks to that and the ‘happy juice’ I was given, I had a really fucked up experience. Thanks!!

I found my way here through Beyonce and never looked back. I have my very own Blue Ivy in my kitchen, but still want a full sized metal lovely for my backyard. My favorite toe is my pinky toe because the nail is so teeny that I don’t have to paint it. And also because it goes wee wee wee.

I don’t know how many dead bodies we could fit under the bed (it’s rather close to the ground) but definitely 3 live cats and the desiccated corpses and untold numbers of their toys. the next time we move is gonna be fun!

I simply adore you, that must be said. Also, I’m pretty sure I could fit like 8 dead bodies under my bed because there’s a lot of space but also because dead bodies don’t really care if you stuff and bend and possibly break a limb or two in order to make the fit happen so….

If I’ve done the math correctly, the average person will use approximately 1329 glass cow eyeballs in their lifetime. This, of course, factors in age, year of birth, and access. Most rural communities have enough access that the average goes up in these areas, but even those in an urban environment use around 1000 in their lives, but only if they remain in their current urban atmosphere. If they move to a smaller community, the number, naturally, goes up.

ABSOLUTELY LOVE your blog! I’ve been threatening to start collecting vinatge taxidermied animals if I don’t get your book – my husband is concerned. Maybe winning a book will help prevent another level of hoarding above metal animals (yes, I have a family of metal flamingos living at my desk – don’t judge!)

I have a toe nail that I thought was going to fall off but it didn’t, and now it’s just like half falling off. I’m really unclear what the future holds for it, but it does’t hurt and it doesn’t even look that gnarly. Ok that’s all. Thanks, Jenny! Bye!

Years ago I named my little belly bulge George. “I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him … and pat him and pat him … and love him and caress him…” What can I say I watched Bugs Bunny when I was little.

I remember dissecting cow eyeballs in physics class- it was pretty much the coolest thing we ever did. All the boys were disgusted because gloves weren’t required and I just jumped in with bare hands- the only one in the class who did that might I add. We had to sort of ‘pop’ them to get the cornea out and they oozed eye juice all over.

My dad’s from England and my mom is from America. These book are from England and you’re American. Clearly, one of those books is meant to reside with me in Canada. We can hang out together being super international.

I don’t have a favorite toe, but I DO have a least favorite toe. The 4th toe on each foot curls to the middle toe like some sort of deranged shrimp. It’s a good thing they help me balance, or I might be tempted to lop them off.

I used to work as an optician and one day I answered the phone to hear a guy on the other end of the line asking me if we fitted glass eyes. I was confused and quite sure I hadn’t heard him correctly, so I said “You want to know what?”
“Glass eyes, do you guys do them there?”
“Glass eyes? Like a prosthetic eye?”
“Yes, mine broke & I need a new one.”

I don’t know why, but the whole conversation struck me funny and as hard as I tried not to burst out laughing, I couldn’t help myself. So I kindly put him on hold, went in the back and giggled myself silly while making my coworker talk to him to let him know that we did not make or fit glass eyes for people.

I’d love a copy! I bought your book when it first came out in hard cover, then a friend sent me one from your signing in San Jose CA, since I couldn’t make it. I’d love another copy to pay it forward with, since everyone needs a little Bloggess on their bookshelf. If you pick me, I’m giving it to Kari, my fav gal at the bookstore.

So, I wasn’t gonna do it but I am ever so curious. Did you by chance happen to receive a pair of the most amazing rainbow unicorn bookends and if so, please tell me they were not broken. Gracias. Also, yes, I’d love a copy – I love the font. 🙂

Right now I’m listening to the Les Mis soundtrack and they just sang the lyric, “raise your glass high” and I heard, thanks to this post, “raise your glass eye.” I will think of this now every time I hear that song, so I think I’ll need approximately eleventy billion glass eyes during my lifetime.

ooo, ooo, me!
Also, I eschew putting bodies under the bed in lieu of putting them under the floorboards. Much easier to contain that way. Unless you’re in a condo with a downstairs neighbor, and then that’s trickier. Though I guess then you could blame the body on your downstairs neighbor, and say they put it in their ceiling?
Not that I’ve ever thought about this or anything.

So I’ve been playing against you in Words with Friends (and I’m seriously the worst drawer in the world, sorry), and I totally wanted to draw a woman making out with a unicorn. But that wasn’t an option. Because the creators of Words with Friends are assholes. And possibly racists.

I have a slight obsession with all things British, so I really want a chance at this! Also, I just discovered Doctor Who this spring, and now I want to take my cat to Texas to see The Doctor. Maybe he speaks cat and can tell me why mine is seems to think he’s a dog that enjoys playing fetch and getting belly rubs.

I need a new copy of the book because a) I bought it in hardback, so I don’t have the new chapter and b) my dog ate it. Well, chewed on it anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a sheep that chewed on it (my husband thought it was one of my knitting books that the sheep chewed on, so he thought it was funny/ironic at first). Speaking of sheep, Jenny, I hope you’ve been enjoying all the pictures of our newborn lambs that I’ve been Tweeting!

I love this blog. It makes me feel less crazy because just maybe someone else gets the crazy too.I had to share the unicorn #artforawesomness with my best friend. so then we talked about that for a while.

I would like a copy of the book for a dear friend who is in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery, and the complications once gets from losing most of your internal organs. I think the taxidermy sections will really speak to him, honest to God.

My family doesn’t quite understand my love for you. I got your calendar for Christmas and it was looked at with confused eyes and, ‘yeeeeaaaahhhh, I guess that’s funny’ comments.
If I win one, ill give my impressiable little sister my original copy of your book and let the crazy be shared! ….in the greatest way, of course.

I do not have a favorite toe, but I have a favorite freckle… I named her Gertrude (simply because I feel the name has been woefully abandoned) and I love her because she had the class to appear NOT on my face or arms, but on my toe… which shows her own creativity as well. You are amazing.

I don’t really like any of my toes, I haven’t named any of my body parts and I’m pretty sure I could fit 4-5 people under my bed (depending on the size of the person…), but I would love to win a copy of your book so I can read the new chapter!

I have never found the perfect amount of glass cow eyes. But I have recommended your book to a number of people, who have all choked themselves laughing over it, as I have. (If I had a glass cow eye, I’d probably choke on it too)

A friend of mine once browsed through a basket of glass eyes while we were antiquing. I’m not sure if she was thinking to upcycle some or what…and now I have to go search for “glass eyes” on Pinterest to see if anyone is doing this yet.

I would so LOVE one! My favorite toe is my right middle toe (it just has an aura about it). ..damn I don’t have any pet names for my body parts…but I think a normal person could use about 31,000 glass eyeballs in a lifetime…and I think I could fit about 5 bodies under my bed (maybe 6 if it is okay if some parts stick out).

My penis is named Charlie Hustle after Pete Rose. It’s career as a hard working player went downhill about as quickly as the orginal Charlie Hustle’s did, but I don’t know that they’re related events. One suffered as a result of gambling on baseball, and the other eventually found love and then a wife and then a family and is forever flacid. Wow, TMI? Will my American language speaking allow me to comprehend those there books you got? If yes, please count me in!

I don’t have much to say except thank you for being a major distraction while sitting in the school library trying to work on a research paper or homework or whatever else I feel the need to put off until tomorrow.

Sitting here wondering how hard I would have to try to get husband to agree to move Scotland. I am guessing not hard. We would need jobs though to support the Scotch habit that will inevitably develop.

I’m an expert facebook stalker, a Starbucks barista, and a rememberer of useless things that take up valuable brain space that should probably be used for something important like remembering to eat meals and get regular teeth cleanings. The combination of these means that I often see customers at work who have no idea who I am, but I know exactly who they are, and my favorite thing to do is write their names on their drink cups without asking them, just to creep them out.

Yay you! Loved the hard cover (especially my copy, which you autographed for me here in NJ!), and have given many as gifts already! Now I could REALLY use a new chapter. Also, I could totally use some glass cow eyeballs, if you have extras.

My favorite toe is my daughter’s right pinkie toe. It has a freckle, but she couldn’t pronounce freckle and told everyone her toe has a “pickle”. So, it has become her pickle toe, and I have an awesome story to pull out if she ever brings a boy (or girl) home. :p

I would like to win the paperback. Even though I feel guilty because I haven’t read the hardcover yet. But I did actually buy it, and it’s next on the list. When I can make the time, I will read it even though it’s obsolete because you have a new dang chapter now.

I’ve never had glass eyeballs – for myself or a cow – but I bet they’re infinitely better than a wooden eyeball. No splinters that way.

I once won the opportunity to have someone sear my eyeballs with a laser, after cutting a flap into the top layer using vacuum pressure. That was the happiest day of my life. It would become the second happiest day if I won a book.

Today, I went to a car boot sale and they had helicopter rides and a bouncy castle. Unfortunately, the bouncy castle was for under 12s only, so we went up in a helicopter instead. That made my day until I had to state my weight “for insurance reasons” in front of all the people waiting for the heli ride. I need a pick-me-up Jenny, and I’m British so I would obviously read the book with a perfectly darrrrling British accent. I promise!

I think I could fit about 6 bodies under my bed but I think the stench would make me unable to sleep. Also, it isn’t a very good place to hide bodies as I am sure that would be the first place the police would look.

Currently my brain is tied up in knots because I was stuck in a conference this morning about the Affordable Care Act and all of the 8 million new things it’s going to require me to do in my job – and for that, I’m going to need therapy. But free (and hilarious) books are cheaper and better. Even under the Affordable Care Act!

I have a friend in Texas that will love this book. So, I’m entering for her as a surprise. ❤
Favourite toe, must be the big one, the nail is big enough to make artsy stuff on it. My mom is on her 2nd glass eye. Dunno how many more she'll need as she's only 57.

I read aloud to my husband from your book and blog during road trips. I am perfectly willing to go and buy the paperback version to get that new chapter, but getting it for free in the mail like some kind of goddamned miraculous vintage glass cow eyeball would be fine too.

I wouldn’t need any glass eyeballs, but we often have the editable ones that go on cupcakes and cookies. We eat them without ever putting them on cupcakes or cookies. We just keep a bag of them around because it’s fun to say, “How ’bout an eyeball, then? That’ll cheer you right up!” {in a British accent, no less}

I think if I did a little rearranging I could fit three bodies under my bed snugly. Not that I would ever have three bodies that I’d *need* to fit under my bed. Let’s be honest, I barely even talk to three people regularly.

I really want a copy of this book. And a glass cow eyeball. So I can keep the eyeball on my desk at work. And make cryptic comments to people about how Lord Moo-fasa is watching them, and knows all. Damn. Now I have to go buy a vintage glass cow eyeball. And this book. But that’s okay. Because I want the book. And the eyeball. Fuck.

Also eligible if you live in a tiny country named Holland?? 🙂 I simply want to thank you again for inspiring me to paint red dresses. I love red dresses in general even though I don’t own one, but to be able to link it to such a great cause…it makes it even more sassy! ^_^

One time, in middle school, my friends and I found a dead bird on the side of the road during recess. We used a shoelace to create a noose, carefully slipped it around the dead bird’s neck, and moved the carcass to the top of a nearby electric box. Then we covered it in yogurt from somebody’s sack lunch.

Regarding the number of glass eyeballs a person would use in a lifetime, I guess the answer would depend on whether or not the person in question is crafty. If you’re crafty you can go through a whole box in a matter of days. Or weeks. Who knows? But if you’re not crafty I’d say about 20. One for each finger and one for each toe.

Ooh, a chance to have your autograph…sign me up. You nearly caused a dear friend of mine infinite injury twice this past week. First, when I told her about your Twitter comment on my DT Doctor Who quilt, she nearly choked on her salad. A few days later, she recounted the entire thing to a table of co-workers and was got overly excited, that she slammed her hand down on the table., rattling the silverware and glasses. We definately got some dirty looks from the restaurant…all Thanks To You!!!

Oooh, I want one! I was crying/laughing in bed the other night reading your book and had to explain to my husband by reading a bit out loud. He said he was surprised I like you because I hate it when people curse a lot. Of course I started thinking about it too much. Now I’m worried that, if I met you in person, I would find you vulgar and crude. Either that or I would want to drink with you.

I need this so bad. I had a hard back version that I got autographed at one of your book signings but I let a friend borrow it and she left it where her kid could get to it. 😦 kids are the reason I can’t have funny books.

My brain is feeling a little wibbly-wobbly these days. I’ve managed to catch up on series 1-6 of the new Doctor Who in less than 5 weeks… How I’ve managed to also eat, sleep, and work I’ve no idea. Maybe I fell into a vortex or something? So sorry, dear, but did you say glass eyes for cows?

I don’t necessarily have a favorite toe, but I do have a second one on each foot that is longer than the first one. My husband teased me about it endlessly until one night when I was full of sleep deprivation yet still up nursing my newborn son I happened to look at his foot while he was sleeping and noticed that he had the same damn toe. I have no idea how I failed to notice it before.

I’m sorry… I know you typed some words and things but all I can do is stare at your thumb.

I’m in awe.

HOW IS IT SO TINY? Did it just grow that way? Did you have some sort of thumb reducing procedure? Or was it a straight up thumb graft? And if so, was it purely cosmetic or was there some sort of horrible thumb story we dont know about? Because if that last bit is true WE ARE GOING TO NEED DETAILS JENNY.

Wait… co worker just informed me that its likely a perspective thing. And I was all “Are you saying I have freakishly large thumbs and thus am biased?! Cause my thumbs are just fucking fine thankyouverymuch”

I read Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on a 23 hour train/plane journey across the Indian desert, into Dehli, on the flight and layover to Moscow, and finally in customs in New York. With severe, terrible, no good very bad food poisoning. The laughing made it worse. I especially enjoyed the bit about the eating disorder. That was awesomely dark.

Would love to have a copy! Amongst the many reasons is this very specific one: It is May 1st and looking out my window here in Minneapolis, MN, there is snow coming down. It has driven me to sit in front of my “Happy Lamp” and devour ice cream. Neither of those two things are doing shit to cheer me up. Lazies. You, however, do cheer me up. So there is that. Happy snowy May Day.

I don’t know how many bodies will fit under my bed, but I have always wondered if one could fit in my bird’s cage. It’s a big cage. I bet at least one could fit. He’s a small bird though. Why the fuck does he need such a huge cage?

I never actually considered the fact that some people may actually NEED more than one (or zero, preferably) glass eyes. But I guess if your eye sockets get bigger or shrink (do they shrink? what about skulls? I assume you’ve done the necessary research). I bet it’d be fun to change up some of the eyes on your taxidermied animals so some always looks permanently shocked.

My iPhone keep autocorrecting my name to the wrong thing so now I’m worried that it is trying to passive aggressively let me know it doesn’t love me back the way I love it. Is my phone Ron Swanson-ing me?

What I should be doing is packing my house so I can move my family of nine (seriously? Why did I think seven kids was a good plan?) to a larger house. What I’m doing instead is worrying about how much my phone loves me. Obviously my priorities are in order here.

I should win! I gave away my copy to my niece for Christmas, and she never indicated if she enjoyed it, or if she was terribly offended, or anything. I can only assume that she has disowned me. So, I need a new copy to fill the void left in my heart by an ungrateful 19-year-old.

Bodies? They tend to smell when stored under your bed.
Any interest in a jar of piglet tails in formalin? I know someone who knows someone that could unearth said jar. Fair trade? Your book for piglet tails?

I was reading your blog at work yesterday and I started to giggle out loud. The woman who sits next to me became concerned that I was giggling to myself. So I read the bit about your husband buying trash bags out loud and made a bunch of my coworkers laugh. This is the joy that you bring. Especially to people like me who like you also deal with crippling anxiety and overwhelming depression and I just want to thank you for being awesome.

My favorite toe is the one I got a hideous blister on when I was in London this fall, and it has yet to heal completely. In fact, from time to time it just gets calloused over and hard and spiky, like the toe is trying to grow itself an extra, super claw like nail, one that comes out the back and periodically stabs the neighboring toe until it bleeds.

I have a funny glass eyeball story, and by funny I mean slightly disturbing but hysterical to myself and a few other family members. My Uncle Harry lost an eye in a bar fight back in the 60’s and got a glass eye afterwards. He liked to freak out the children (and squeamish adults) in our family by popping it in and out for shock value. When he passed away, my Aunt took his ashes so that they could be buried with the next of his siblings to pass away. My Aunt is quite a hoarder and somehow Uncle Harry got lost for a few years. Each time another of his siblings passed away (there were 16 of them all together) she would attempt to find him but no luck. Over the passage of time, she also became the keeper of 3 other sets of ashes (seriously? who collects ashes!?!?!)
A few years ago, she had to move and while helping her clean out her garage we found 4 boxes of ashes, all unmarked. Luckily, the mortician had put Uncle Harry’s eye in with this ashes, so by shaking the boxes we could figure out which one he was! He has found a new home, awaiting his final rest with one of his siblings. 🙂

How exciting to get a box full of your books! I have the ebook version but I’d love to have a copy of the paperback with the extra chapter and since I don’t have it in the budget to buy it, I’d love to win one!

I’m curious as to if my BFAM got into that new chapter. I mean, all I did was give you booze, HE asked to be your second husband if Victor ever dies.
I’m supposed to be either doing pre-calculus homework OR writing a post for Modern Asia. Neither of these things is happening. Because I am a citizen in good standing of the ProcrastiNation.

Raising awareness campaigns just bring about mind fodder for my anxiety ridden, hypochondriac brain. I swear I have every disease under the sun with minimal symptoms. Also, I think 5 cow eyeballs are a lifetime maximum for most people. It has to be an odd number because one has to come from a pirate cow.

My least favorite toe is my right big toe because I broke it once when I slipped on black ice caused by broken pipes in the abandoned house up the street. I had to wear one of those ugly walking boots. And a former co worker asked for two years afterwards how my toe was for two years!!!
Also I’m out of ice cream because my throat hurts from strep throat. And could use a pick me up like an autographed book.

Left ring. Chacha, diane, & The Captain. 2. 2. But also, I’d really like to win because I am broke (unemployed & suffering from depression & anxiety, so unemployable really). I make ends meet, but can’t really afford a book & I would really love to read it. I don’t want you to think this is a sob story, no. People have it much worse, merely me pointing out, why I have not yet bought a book I really want to read. Plus, it would save my poor Harry Potter books, which are reread so much, they are crying. Literally crying. We’re trying to get the news to cover it, but they like Jesus Toast a lot better.

I could add one of these next to my mini-Beyoncé and all would be right in the world, or just my room, prolly just my room. Until my wife came in and starting asking me questions about why I have books sitting around my cock, and why mini-Beyoncé was watching. Just kidding, the books would be around mini-Beyoncé… prolly.

Probably a baker’s dozen on the glass eyeballs over a lifetime. You need that spare one in case one gets lost. That way the pairs of eyeballs remain even. Unless you’re a pirate. Then the extra one is a bonus.

Thank you for the opportunity to win a BRITISH copy of your amazingly hilarious book. I have recommended it to all the readers I know. If you included a vintage glass cow eyeball with the book, I could check that off my bucket list, too.

There’s room for 3 bodies under my bed. The OCD cat. The reformed feral scaredy cat. And the cat-shaped body of fur shed by the previously mentioned cats. All three hang out there regularly. Inexplicably, there is also a half-deflated beach ball under there too.

Oh, how I love you and your blog and your book! I will warn others that reading this book (which I borrowed, so I would love a copy of my very own) in pulic is dangerous! People look at you oddly if you snort loudly and laugh til tears run down your face in public! Jus sayin!

My grandpa has a glass eyeball. He was shot in the Korean War. Let me tell you, it was quite terrifying as a child to stumble upon his spare eyeballs in a drawer while playing!! Makes you think your grandparents are like serial killers or something!!

OK, I didn’t do it out loud because I am at work. But in my head, my accent was sexy as hell if not completely Brit.
And I have an eye tattooed on my back so clearly I should get in on this.
Oh also, in middle school when they made us dissect a cow’s eye, I remember saying that it was just like one of those cherry cordial chocolates and my lab partner thinking I was an idiot.
So there, all of that was even sort of on topic….

If I get picked, I’ll try to send you a pic of the taxidermy albino muskrat that stared at me through most of my teen years. If mom still has it. Oh, what the hell, if she still has it, I’ll send you a picture anyway. I already bought the book. 🙂

I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen on this blog when your daughter starts dating someday. I just have a feeling that her family’s going to make quite the impression. Also, I’ve been inspired to make incredibly odd things for dollhouses. Thank you.

When I was a little girl I had a reoccurring nightmare that I was walking down a long road with my two sisters and I would then suddenly fall into a giant pit filled with snakes. My sisters would look down the hole at me and laugh then walk off. Oddly I never developed a fear of snakes, but I have always been suspicious of my sisters when I see them laughing.

how much hummus is too much hummus in one sitting? and why do some British people say noigh instead of no? please pick me so I can hollow out my US copy & fill it with other existential questions like the ones above instead of cocaine, since you apparently aren’t including any.

Yay for extra chapter! Here’s something you should know – Wil Wheaton is now one of my most favorite people on the planet, and not being a Star Trek fan (Star Wars forever!), I first heard about him here on this little website of yours. The world works in mysterious ways. (You are one of my very favorite people, too!)

I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed. It sits too low to fit those underbed storage thingies underneath it and that hurts my feelings. I guess it would depend on what body types and how you butcher them. I could probably fit a gaggle of supermodel parts, but not so many Michael Moores. Ooooh! Weekend project!

I’m afraid to go out the front door. I suspect I will be attacked by a horde of tiny knomes. They are mad because I call them elves, but what else can I do? My 88 year old mom thinks they’re elves. She did so want an elf garden so I made her one… Sort of.

I don’t know anything about glass cow eyes, but in college I had to dissect a real sheep’s eye, and it bounced out of our tray, across the table, and onto the floor, where it proceeded to roll away in a manner that convinced me it was possessed by the spirit of every cartoon, ever. It was horrifyingly hilarious even to me, the vegetarian for I-prefer-my-animals-fluffy-and-frolicking reasons.
To top it all off, the eye was wide open, bright blue, and still had all its eyelashes. Seriously. I lived a cartoon life for five minutes.

Just have to say, Love your book! My mother-in-law could use a few glass eyeballs I think…..she has a friend called Fritz, who’s a mannequin, and some real eyes would definitely get some attention! We’d just have to perform a minor surgery to get them in there 😉 And I’m pretty sure I can fit about 6 mini bodies under my bed, lol. The kids have all of this extra room when they crawl underneath it to hide.

I woke up thinking about the movie “No Way Out” with Kevin Costner. And I got to thinking, what did they d this movie in Russia? I mean the big reveal at the end is Kevin speaking Russian therefore revealing that he was the Russian spy. If the movie was dubbed in Russian then how did they show that he was speaking actual Russian? This is the stuff that I wake up thinking about.

I have an answer to the “How Many Bodies Can you Fit Under Your Bed?” question.

Conversation I had with Taylor Swift*:

Me: Taylor, are you boy crazy?
Taylor: NO! Don’t be silly. If I was boy crazy I would have to have like ANOTHER ex-boyfriend under my bed. And that would make like 5 of them under there. I am pretty sure 4 is the max that will fit under my bed.

SEE? She totally knew the answer.

*I am like 90% positive this conversation really happened, and it was not a dream. Okay maybe more like 80%. 70%? Ummm, maybe more like 50%. 50%-ish.

I don’t really have a favorite toe, but I do have two least favorites. Those are the ones on the outside edge of my feet. The pinky toes, I guess? I don’t care enough about them to even know what their proper names are. All I know is that, at this point in my life, the only cosmetic surgery I would consider having is to get them removed so I don’t bang them into furniture anymore.

The number of glass eyeballs someone needs in their lifetime can be calculated using this simple formula

#eyes = number of cats owned * how cute you thought their names were + number of trips to rattlesnake farms as a child – number of trips to the morgue + number of cars with a stickshift driven in – the number of them that were Volvos

I just got a blue Jeep TJ and I am totally naming her Jenny . . . partly after you, because you are awesome and partly after Jenny from Dr. Who (the doctor’s daughter who died but didn’t really die and then flew away in a space ship) cause she is awesome too, and you know that someday she will be back!

In a former life I was drug addicted super model who liked to dress her pet chicken in a costume and walk him around town pretending to speak French (the chicken, not me was bilingual) while randomly asking people if they knew the way to San Jose.

I am pretty hilarious in my own head, but it would seem I don’t have anything funny or interesting to say today. I am dreading summer because I hate, absolutely hate, shaving my legs. How’s about that??
Oh, and Beyonce. I flippin’ love Beyonce, and his stories. Beyonce is funny stuff; pure roll on the ground, tears running down my face comedy.

Glass eyeballs fascinate me. How in the world do those things stay in there? If your muscles are strong enough to hold it in place, how are they delicate enough not to break it? I JUST DON’T GET THEM!!!

Was thinking about the bodies… Probably 12 3/4. I’m pretty sure I can’t fit more than that. But I’d probably need some superglue to keep them together, so they don’t start falling apart. I don’t think Elmer’s would work very well. Maybe we should google “what best to glue dead bodies together” and see what google comes up with.

OMG, I would love to win one because I bought a bookcase but all I have are Kindle books and the Kindle doesn’t fill up the bookcase very well, leaving way too much wood to dust. So, spare me some dusting and help me fill my new bookcase?

Fantastic font on the book! Last night I asked my 15 year old daughter to stop what she was drawing and to draw a unicorn and girl kissing. I told her it was for you. She rolled her eyes at me and said “That’s not funny Mom”. So sad. I wonder when she became so serious.

I wonder if looking at a box of glass cow eyeballs would make me dizzy?

I’ve been wanting this book since you first released it but I can’t afford it due to needing to pay for the new human I appear to be growing. Clearly I need this book to make sure the baby has the right influences in its life, like giant metal chickens and a taxidermied menagerie…

I have the audiobook so I would love an actual paper copy to see the pics (and new chapter.)
Our bed has drawers underneath. Probably only 1 body would fit & it would have to be cut up into pretty small pieces.
On the other hand, we used to keep ferrets & unbeknownst to us, the female was using the space in between where the drawers didn’t meet on the inside as a “nest.” When we moved, we found ALL sorts of things under there including what must have been an entire box of frosted flakes cereal. She had her own box in the cabinet and would steal them one flake at a time. We thought she ate them, but no.
I’d say 8 or 10 weasels could fit under the bed in that space, easily.

Today I read a story about a lady who found a FROG in her can of green beans and my first thought was, “God! It’s really too bad it wasn’t Jenny who found that. She would have been so happy. Finally, a dead, free animal to dress up.” I was picturing a “Froggy goes a’courting” theme which tells me I have clearly thought way too much about this.

Do dead dust bunnies under the bed count as bodies? Or do they have to be dead real bunnies? I don’t think I have any dead real bunnies–although I haven’t checked lately. But I’m pretty sure I have at least four score and seven dead dust bunnies in the guest room alone. I’m afraid to look under any of the other beds.

I really think the amount of glass cow eyeballs one can really use in a lifetime depends on how large their glass vase is. Just think about it, a beautiful bouquet in a glas vase filled with glass cow eyeballs. Talk about a conversation starter!

I am somewhat lacking in knowledge of glass eyeballs, but one time my Grandma took out her dentures in Meijer and demanded the stock person hold them while she tried out a new type of denture glue. You are both my heros for being so awesome. (Also I was doing some of my usual contemplation about unicorns while writing this, and now all I can think of is unicorns with dentures.)

I can’t fit any people under my bed….except the little tiny people that live in the heating vents. My house is fairly old and I hear them all the time so I know they live in there. You could probably fit a whole city of them under my bed. I have an old jewelry box under there, I am sure they will love making things like a chair for their king from my old necklaces and earrings.

I enjoy your blog a lot and your twitter account. Thanks for being the weirdest most awesome you that you can be.

I saw a raccoon last night when I came home from work at 1am. Immediately I thought of “Raccoons wearing jams”. I laughed so hard he started to run away, stopping every couple hops to look back at me. I apologize to the neighborhood for cackling so loudly.

My partner is my favorite first responder for somnambulism. Last night I apparently woke him up by standing over him and stating, “there are TWO snakes in the bed.” He told me this morning that, after soothing me back to sleep, his half dozing brain decided there may actually be snakes in the bed. He had to do a full covers check before getting back to sleep himself.

At least, not if it looked lobster-y. If it were cut up into little pieces and looked NOTHING like a lobster, I could probably eat it.

But then there’s the remote chance that I’m allergic to it. Actually, that chance isn’t terribly remote. I have 2 younger sisters who are deathly allergic to lobsters. And shellfish. And bees. So, unless someone’s got an epipen on them, I would hope they didn’t hide bits of lobster in my food.

This book is my favorite read for, we’ll, I don’t know. Maybe forever. I have recommended it to a buch of people and all of them love it and have raved about it to others. The problem is that in little Willow, Alaska, I am afraid someone is going to kidnap the book from the library. Just the other day I decided I needed to read it for the sixth time and it wasn’t there!! I was alarmed and I immediately realized that someone is going to abscond with this book. I will be left bereft. Any help would be appreciated. Ta! (Very British)

THERE IS AN ANIMAL LIVING INSIDE MY BEDROOM WALL. I hear scratches constantly, especially at night, sometimes even when I play Taylor swift on pandora. I named the animal living in my wall Rambo, because judging by the sound level and amount of scratches there are, it must be some type of large animal. Quite possibly a raccoon or maybe even a pack of raccoons (do raccoons come in packs or heards? Maybe a flock of raccoons?) anyways, I named the animal living inside my bedroom wall Rambo because at the time, I was reading the chapter in your book about your Rambo who used to was soap bars in the sink. Maybe it’s your Rambo who is living inside my wall….

I’ve had a prosthetic eye since i was 5, so I already have like, half a dozen of those things sitting in a drawer at home. I would say your estimate of around a dozen is pretty accurate for the number an average person might need in a lifetime. Good job.

I rather like all my toes. I can’t quite imagine trying to balance with any of them missing. But I specifically enjoy my pinkie toe, because it has a tiny, little, barely-there toenail that it’s pretty much impossible to get nail polish to stay on.

I am distracted by how much I love the font of the title for the paperback. I’m disappointed in myself for being so font-focused.
But then I think about how the words “cow eyeballs” would look in that font and feel like I’m back on topic again.

There are many variables to consider when calculating the approximate number glass eyeballs a person would use in a lifetime. How responsible is the owner of said glass eye? Is this person a roller coaster enthusiast? (Apparently this is a frequently lost item according a ride operator I talked to.) How late in life did the need for the glass eye occur? Does this person own cats? There are endless ways to lose/break a glass eye, especially if you are as clumsy and forgetful as me. My answer to the question, and all math problems I can’t figure out….42.

I covet your taxidermied menagerie. I once found some taxidermied mice wearing a Pope costume and also wings and some flying bats but they were ridiculously expensive. Live mice are like $2 but dead mice are over $100. Srsly.

One day my husband and I were in a farm store and there was Rascal Flatt’s song playing over the system. I heard, “Your daddy won’t mind if we slip in a fondle” and I blurted that out. My husband stared at me and said, “No, it’s your daddy won’t mind if we save him a bundle.”

Also I once said something about eating my own poop in reference to a pug meme I saw on the Interwebz. It sounded like I was talking about eating my poop, when in fact, I was talking about the dog. People heard. And they stared. I only admit things like this on your blog. It’s like a confessional.

At first I was excited thinking that you actually had a box of glass cow eyeballs because then I could ask where you got them. You see, about 20 years ago I was in high school and really liked cows. One day my dad picked me up from school and he saw the carousel horses that some kids in a woodworking class were making. He decided that we should make a cow. So we did. Only we just used plain white marbles for the eyes. And now everyone who sees the cow is freaked out by the eyes.

You also mention toes… my 2.5 year old son says “toe paste” instead of toothpaste.

And finally, I’m an anglophile, so I would love a British copy of your book!

I was telling my cousin about your blog. She doesn’t have the internet, but it turns out she is reading your book. Turns out, we are more alike than we thought. Yay to you! Bringing families together and all. You must be so proud! One of these days she will get on the internet if there’s a non-seizure inducing method for her to do so. One day I will finally make it to the top of the waiting list at the library for your book. Or I could win one, which would be awesome. Because I know about 10 other people that want to read it, but …huge waiting list at the library. And lack of money.
So, cheers to you and fingers crossed for me

So, my dad used to work for a medical devices and pharmaceuticals company. He specifically worked in sales for scalpels and syringes. And he would use cows eyes for demonstrations. So, you know, I grew up with boxes of these things just hanging around the house.

I think the most interesting thing going on today for me is that my nine month old son just learned how funny it is when he farts. He giggles to himself EVERY time he lets one go. And I die laughing EVERY time. Everyone I know is working right now and unable to chat so you’re the first one who I can share this with. I can’t wait until my husband gets home and sees my son do it. He’ll think its hysterical.

On another note, if you actually had glass cow eyeballs, you could have someone use them to put in a taxidermied animal that they don’t belong in. Like, how great would it be to have a taxidermied fish with big cow eyeballs instead of the normal boring fish ones? I’d love it. If I knew anyone who knew who to do that, I’d have them do that for me. Then I’d hang it up and take a picture and send it to you. But I don’t know anyone, so I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination.

So I tried to find some data on the question of how many glass eyes a person might use in a lifetime. To figure it out you could theoretically divide the number of glass eyes in use by the total human population of the planet, giving you at least a rough estimate. Unfortunately, all I could dig up with any reliability is that Sammy Davis Jr. had one. (the left) I hope that information is useful to someone.

I had a friend whose sister had a glass eye. She used to pop it out for our entertainment whilst riding around their house on the back of their dog, (a black labrador called Goneril), wearing a vest & pants and a motorbike crash helmet.

(That image is way funnier in British than it is in American).

Also, I offer you this: British national treasure Clare Balding in conversation with 3 taxidermists on a walk in West Yorkshire. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01mwzwb. I’m not sure if they discuss Dr Who.

It’s snowing. Again. Today. May 1st. In fact, we had at least one solid winter snow storm each week all through April and apparently May wants to join in. Gah! Maybe if everyone I know reads your book and we all laugh-til-we-cry, the weather gods will be nice and send us some spring?

I want one of the new Jonny Justice Gund toys. I’d post a pic, but I’m computer lame so I can’t. Jonny is one of the dogs that was rescued from Michael Vick’s house of horrors. He’s going to be a totally adorable Gund stuffed pit bull complete with one pink and one black ear. Cutie patootie!

I work at an Amish travel agency and I have it on good authority that they (the Amish) wouldn’t use glass cow eyeballs. Also, I would love to have a copy of this book because a) I could really use a win–believe, Amish travel agency is not nearly as glamorous as it sounds– and b) I’ve been told I’m boss at reading Harry Potter aloud, so I’m assuming I would be equally awesome at reading your book!

I have one of those beds with drawers underneath. You’d think the drawers would extend all the way to the middle of the bed, but they don’t, so I have this long narrow gap down the middle of my bed. I could totally stash a body there (or maybe a stack of 3 bodies), and no one would know! I guess it would get kinda stinky, but having no sense of smell, it wouldn’t bother *me* one bit. I’ll just blame it on the chicken skin I discarded in the trashcan a few days ago.

I once broke my favorite toe, Pinky, running from my uncle Frank. He was chasing me with his glass eyeball…although it was not a ball at all, it was a curved piece of glass with an eyeball on it….ewwww, run!

Just so you know, you have totally ruined knock knock jokes for me. Cause as soon as any one says “Knock Knock” I shout Motherfucker and laugh like a crazy person. Your book might help me over come this problem. At least give me something else to laugh about but then people still wouldn’t know what I was laughing about, so they would still think I am crazy, but really I am a little crazy so that part doesn’t bother me at all. Actually, I am a lot crazy but I don’t let it show. Anyway, I want to win a free book. Thank you.

I love that during my 4 year old’s parent-teacher conference, my daughter’s teacher had already read your book, but knew nothing of the blog. I also love that my friend, for whom I bought your book, read it in less than a week then gave it to me so I could read the extra chapter.

I could fit six human bodies under my bed, but at present the only one that needs to be there is that of the woman I share an office with, so that I cab dispatch her ridiculous yappy little Cavachon dog (Queen Boo Boo. No, really) and have it stuffed, so that it can finally do something useful and serve as a coffee holder for me. Harsh? Maybe. Fair? I think so. Of course, I could avoid all this if I had a jar of glass eyes. Or a new book to read…

My answer: Probably 20,000 or so. I tend to get carried away when I buy something and I could post photos of my 500,000 (probably close to an accurate count…they were bargains afterall) buttons, my 7500 record albums (except I already copied them to disk and tossed the real things as they took up a full 10×10 storage building), my 12,000 8 tracks (except see above). I’ll almost stop there, but you can add just about anything else I run across at auction where you bid $5 for the entire table! I am downsizing though.:)

So, no number is too big when I come across something I think I might need someday.

Eyeballs? Probably not, but you never can tell.

I would love an autographed copy of your book though to give to my daughter who is your #1 fan (I’m a close second).

Pick me! Pick me! My daughter who is eight loves your book (she is permitted to read select sections so long as she pronounces inappropriate language correctly) and I will give it to her for her birthday. 🙂 She calls you the “let’s pretend lady”.

The number of bodies I could fit under my bed would depend on how they were arranged and if stacking in layers was allowed. Arranged vertically, I could probably fit three adults under there. Horizontally, I could probably get four in there. If they were arranged like the lattice top of an apple pie, I could probably fit 7 under my double-size bed. The bed frame belonged to my great-grandmother.

My question with the glass cow eyes are how durable are they? The reason I ask is because one of my cats (the one that gets upset if I step outside even for five minutes) thinks that everything that rolls is a cat toy. So how many eyeballs would I need to keep him happy for a year?

My first job was capping cherry bombs in the garage with my father, who then sold them to the mob. As I got older he down-scaled the operation to just selling to neighborhood twenty-somethings, and I graduated to fusing by high school. I need this book to remind me that compared to some, my childhood was perfectly normal.

My dad actually wrote “Who Let The Dogs Out” in the ’80s. Except that in his version there was more swearing, less rhyming, and I was grounded in the end. Also instead of it being dogs, it was llamas. But that’s a different story.

I’m totally in your tribe. Last Christmas I gave my husband the tiny Beyonce replica — wrapped in a small box, inside of a bigger box, inside of a giant box. When he opened the first box and saw the 2nd one, there was a note that said “Knock, knock…” The 3rd box had a note saying “Perspective. Now you have it.” By the time he got to the (tiny) Big Metal Chicken, I was dying. Our kids kept saying, “What? What? What’s so funny? I don’t get it…” which only made us laugh harder. Best Christmas present ever.

According to my 11 year old son, the fact that it is raining is completely my fault. And the best use of his day is to make sure I know how much I screwed up his plans to play basketball with friends..

I actually need a new copy of your book because I lent mine to one of the 5 3/4 cool people I know (not to be confused AT ALL with the 10 2/3 bodies that would fit under my bed) and unless I use my favorite body part, Matilda, to intimidate the cool people and figure out who has it, I might not get to read your book myself for the 7th time. And that, my dear, would be a shame.

My Yorkie Katie forces herself between me and the remote control, my cell phone, and especially my tablet.
Although she has GOT to know how much it annoys me, she puts her little doggie face right up close to mine to better stair into my eyes.
I have not spent enough time with paper books to wonder if she is jealous of them as well.
Fortunately, my wife thinks our sorted love affair is cute.

I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your book and am anxiously awaiting your next one. I was going to hold my breath while I waited and I tried but failed. I read your book while waiting for my kids at various sports practices….well, that is when I started reading your book. I had to stop reading it in public because I was giggling at inappropriate moments and even snorted a few times :). I keep waiting to meet you in Eastern PA on a book tour so you can sign my copy. A mailed one ouls be a good consolation prize though….

I already have two copies of the hardback US version so I don’t really need another one. Unless this one has the extra chapter and then I totally want in. I can’t justify buying a third copy just for a chapter, even thought I really like you and have made everyone I know read this blog.

Someone posted this clip on my friend’s FB wall and it’s totally weird and cool and you might think so too. I mean, it’s not a box full of vintage glass cow eyeballs or anything, but I was still transfixed: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81337824/

Last week I read “Heart Shaped Box” because Wil Wheaton told me to. I almost shit my pants. Today I started “Still Missing” and it took approximately 3.2 pages to make me start freaking the f*#k out. Please send me a copy of your book so I have something to pick me back up the next time I decide to terrorize myself for 350+ pages.

Hi Jenny! Please Enter me to win one of your books. I come to your blog and always get a laugh and something new to ponder. Winning a book would be even better- coz for now being only able to see you blog and not the whole book is like being late for a party and the door is locked but I can see a glimpse of all the fun I could be having (reading our book) through a curtained window (your blog). PS I tried to get my daughters baby rabbit stuffed until I found out it would cost $300 and possibly not even look like said bunny when finished coz of how stretchy their skin is…oh well…

No bodies would fit under the bed. However, my house used to be a funeral home, so I could probably fit two dozen in the room that used to be the embalming room if I stack them like cord wood. More if the bodies are small, less if they rather large.

The only comment I can think to leave is that I wish I knew where to purchase a giant metal chicken just so I can leave it on my front porch and record my husbands reaction to see if its anywhere close to Victor’s!

Loved the book! Read it at least twice, including one chapter out loud to my mother. I thought she was going to choke on her coffee. In a good way. Not that choking is good…. It was more like a burst of laughter mid-sip of coffee, causing coffee to go down the wrong pipe… Now I feel like I’ve over explained it… Anyway, I hope the book goes to somebody who hasn’t had a chance to read it yet! They’ll love it!

Pick me, pick me! It’s raining so hard right now that water is flowing under the back door into my living room. An autographed copy of your book would make this a non-issue, because then I’d be busy reading it all again and not distracted by the water.

You told me I could discuss anything . . .
I was contemplating this just the other night: “What makes some men sluttier than others?” Although I don’t yet have the science to back it up, I think I might have the answer . . . penis size. Maybe it’s my average sized penis that has made me the morally righteous person that I am today? Would I be a stereotypical man-whore if I had a bigger penis that I felt didn’t need to be hidden from the vast majority of the world? For instance, I would NEVER post a picture of my penis on the Internet or send it through a text message like so many do these days, but I don’t know how much of this is because I have a strong set of morals or a small penis.

1. Definitely the index (?) toe on my right foot. It’s straight, the nail always looks good, and it’s not as long as the big toe.
2. Um, right and left? Happy place? Useless (if you’re talking about my left shoulder at the moment, 2 weeks and 1 day after surgery)?
3. Um…if they’re HUMAN glass eyes…the average person would use 0, because the average person has both their eyes. If you’re you or my mother (well, she has glass hands and a head, does that count?)…32. So you can switch them out so they don’t fade or something.
4. Definitely like…3 at least. It isn’t very high off the bed, but it’s 180cm by 200cm. Hooray, my last 3 months living in Europe?

I’m rather wishing I hadn’t gone back to work before the end of the period the doctor told me I COULD stay home if I decided to do so. Work sucks. But I felt guilty that the people who were covering so I could stay home from work (and play computer games all day) were sleeping at work. So I went to work since I OBVIOUSLY can work on a computer since I played computer games all day and now I’m pissed because we finally have enough people to cover so she doesn’t have to stay at work all night but I can’t take the rest of that time because that’d be…well…wrong. Or something. GAH RESPONSIBILITY! WHY DO YOU SUCK?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?! FML. Or KMN. I don’t know which.

Glass eyeballs could definitely fit under my bed, no wait…you said bodies. Well You can never have enough bodies.
I think if you wanted…you could fit at least 12 bodies under my bed…Obvioiusly you would have to go all American Psycho on them but it could fit. Then for flip sake we could throw like 1700 eyeballs under there.
how do we feel about glass testicals, I can imagine there are a lot of those laying around too.
I’m just sayin.

I am finally starting my own business! My version of wearing a red dress. You have inspired me to stop being afraid of failure and what other’s think because while I may not be perfect I am awesomeriffic just the way I am.

Bummed out about the cow eyeballs. However, my grandmother grew part of a testicle, later in life. Wouldn’t that have been so much more effective early on? I am fairly certain that is where I get my balls from.

Pick me!
This morning I peed in the shower. Which is a gross thing to do. Especially when you ate asparagus the night before. The steam makes it smell 100 time worse. Ew. Really bad way to start the day. I need a bewildering memoir to make things right. Well, right-ish. right-er?

I have one thumb shorter than the other one (not both on the same hand, I should clarify), but, I call my shorter thumb, “Nubby.” He likes it when I draw a face on him. His favorite is a pirate face-eye patch, etc.- and make him talk in a pirate “arrrrr” type of talk.

I think the best number of glass cow eyeballs is 7 (and I’m not saying that to be purposefully cliché, the things I do say to be purposefully cliché make sense to no one but me) but because the 7th of May is my birthday, and that’s in just a couple of days incase you lost your calendar with all those eyeballs…
And the best birthday present – second to your next book coming out that day would be if you sent me a copy of the UK version of your book 🙂 Pretty please and dearest regards

You perpetually make me snort with laughter at work, which is bad, because people often then ask me what’s so funny. Apparently not everyone thinks your as funny as I do, I suspect it’s because they are mentally deficient or have some other unfortunate birth defect. So it’s not really their fault. I bought my mom an ereader and gave her your book & she laughed so hard, she almost peed herself. 🙂

I live in St. Louis and just recently discovered that Provel and provolone are two different types of cheeses. Like, Provel has provolone in it, but it also has some other cheeses in it too. I just thought someone got lazy and didn’t want to spell out provolone.

I don’t think I have a favorite toe, but I feel bad for my left pinkie toe, as it gets a bit squished under its neighbor. I’m fascinated that the nail grows a little to the outside. Not so much that you’d really notice, but if you knew the toe like I do, you’d see it’s having to adjust, like a smaller tree reaching out from the shade of a taller one to get some sunshine…

The other day, whilst camping with some Cub Scouts we were talking about how there was a creature trouncing around the woods. I told the boys it had have been a Chupacabra. Growing up in West Texas, I am well aware of the dangers of the Chupacabra; We live in Tennessee now and all the boys, mine included, thought I was making it up. My husband and some of the other adults thought it was hilarious. My husband whispered “You should have said ‘Chalupa’, instead.”

Jenny, you make our everyday lives bearable. You are often quoted in this household; no worries, I edited the best excerpts (ie: all) for the children.

Glass cow eyeballs… Now I’m ruminating on if there are vets who specialize in teaching eyesocket Kegels to keep the bloody things in…. Not bloody in the graphic sense, but seemed like a nice ‘Brit’ thing to say in celebration of your UK printing.

I wonder when my 3 year old will understand why “But I’m so tired!” is not a valid argument against going to bed. Also, my 1 year old squeals with delight when I take her into a shoe store. She’s going to need a dedicated shoe closet by the time she’s a teenager.

Hi there! I like to read your blog when I should be working. I read the excerpt from your book from when you used to work in HR and snorted (loudly) with laughter (again, at work). Also, I’m looking for our next house and it’s slowly driving me out of my mind so if I could win a copy of your book, I’d be much obliged.

My good friend has a glass eye because his cousins were throwing broken shards of glass at each other when he was eight and he got hit in the eye. He has a completely different appreciation for the saying “it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye”.

We call our printer at work “Freddie Robutt”. I have no idea why, but that is it’s name. I work at a bank and when the salesman comes in and we ask for toner for Freddie Robutt he knows exactly what we want. I have also requested from the same salesman “an old priest, a young priest, and a vat of holy water”. His response…”I can get the priests but the holy water is on backorder”. Made my day.

I could never have a jar of glass eyeballs…ever! If I ever stopped taking my meds (for whatever reason) they would be a target of one of my angry rants. I’d be all “How dare you all follow me everywhere I go! Do something useful, like form a mouth from Labyrinth and talk to me instead of just staring at me! And why are your all looking in different directions, stop making me feel fat!” and shit like that.
Then I’d break the jar and have to explain to my husband that the eyeballs started it by calling me fat, and he’d ask me how they did that, and then he and I would have an argument over the damned eyeballs….

I’m better off jar-of-eyeballsless and staying on my meds.
But I’d totally love a copy of your book!

The cover is great and all, but I am sorely disappointed that there is not a new picture of a non-alive pet on the cover again. Surely that would make the Brits pick up the book MORE often? Or is taxidermy against the law there now? Maybe just in print because there was a shitload of non-alive pets on “The Tudors”. And Jeremy Irons is still on “The Borgias”…..

I’ve never considered how many bodies I could fit under my bed, but I did see an old suitcase in Goodwill that would easily hold one body. When I mentioned it my husband replied that it would fit two if we cut them up. And that’s why I love him.

I’d love to win a copy of your book, but I’d be just as happy with a bunch of vintage glass cow eyeballs. I have a vase that’s currently filled with clear marbles and it would make a much better conversation piece if it were filled with giant glass eyeballs, don’t you think?

Totally LOVED your book and got my cousin to get it too! She says she is definitely part of your tribe…the kind of people she likes to call “demflicted”…demented and afflicted. LMAO Keep the funny coming! Can’t wait for another book!

I had to disect a goat eyeball for A&P class and it was awesome. Learned animals have this silver looking coating in the back of their eyeball (I should know what it was called but I don’t remember) that helps reflect the smallest amounts of light at night so they can see better. So even when its dark your cats can still see you. Good to know, yea?

While the UK cover is nice with the picture of curler-ed you and all, what’s with the wispy serifs? Is that like locks of hair or something? Honestly I miss Hamlet von Schnitzel. Is he on the title page? Honestly, I am a complete Anglophile and would be honored to have a copy of the UK paperback!

I would use the whole box of cow glass eyeballs. I would be gluing them to EVERYTHING! I would see a stop sign and say “You know what that stop sign needs? Eye balls. And look, I have some right here!” and then I would glue them on and laugh and laugh.

Later, at my child’s baseball game, someone would be all “Did you see some hoodlums glued eyeballs to the stop sign on the corner?” and I would be all “OMG! That’s awesome.” (Cause I would forget I did it) and then they would be all “No, it’s wrong! Who does that? Who glues eye balls to a stop sign?” and then I would remember. And laugh again.

Also, I think random cereal boxes at the grocery store need glass eye balls. it occurs to me I probably should not have a box of glass eyeballs. Just saying.

Several years ago, before the No Call List, I stumbled onto the best way to get rid of a persistent telemarketer – and to prevent any more calls: Just say you’d love to talk but you left your mother tied up in the bathtub and you need to get back to her (no idea where that came from). Presto! No more calls from that company. And he must have spread the word in the Telemarketer Tavern, because the calls from *all* telemarketers dropped dramatically. Police presence on my street increased, however.

My favorite toe is my raptor toe, it’s the one next to the pinky toe, it curls up like a raptor on both of my feet so whenever my toenails get long I pretend to scratch my boyfriend like a raptor while screeching

I can always use more glass eyeballs. I prefer bourbon/rocks in mine, but sometimes we might ‘ave a party, so then we’d need more for our friends. I bought some of those cool glasses with state maps on them, so I can use those for eyeballs if I don’t win. I’m sorry there wasn’t a Texas one at the garage sale where I got them, but Wolverenes (sic) was spelled wrong on the Michigan one, so there’s that.

I turned my air conditioner on a couple of hours ago – because my house (in theory) subtly, and in an unnoticeable way to the naked eye, rotates so that every room gets a solid blast of morning sun – and two of my cats had this really epic growling match over the rights to the kitchen floor vent; and then my third cat came in and growled at the other two and won the right to that particular vent because she never growls so everyone, myself included, was impressed.

I am currently obsessed with my Nespresso U that I just received, so if I win a copy of your book you can know that I will sit on my couch with espresso and your book. Which means I will finish it in half the time because I won’t be able to stop drinking the espresso until I am done

When I think of glass eyeballs I think of G’kar on Babylon 5 putting HIS glass eyeball in the bedroom of Sheridan and D’lenn so he could watch them having sex. The eyeball sent images to his brain, it wasn’t just for looks y’know.

i need to win 1 of these books because
#1. Im a dispatcher for our local police department….i work 5:30 P.M. to 5:30 A.M…..theres nothing on tv to watch, and i would rather read a good book.

#2 I am an awesome neighbor. I gave my neighbor down the street a minature Beyonce for Christmas this past year as a thank you for introducing me to you. But because she has a 11 year old son, i didnt leave a note that said Knock Knock Motherfucker. I just. COULDNT

I once had a fatty lipoma (think giant cyst) removed from my thigh that was nearly 6 inches across and close to 2 inches deep. Could have been in future medical journals if the surgeon had remembered to take a picture before it was dissected. Oh, well.

My mom, and one friend of mine (OK, actually my wife’s friend, but only because I’m not calling her my wife’s puppy that follows her everywhere) both struggle mightily with the kinds of mental illness you talk about so well in your book. Sometimes it mortifies them in ways that can only be stayed by the kind of humor about ones self you wield so well. I think maybe reading your book could help them do this themselves, or maybe just get them to see that they don’t have to beat themselves up trying to be “normal”. Maybe I’m crazy, but then I’VE already read it. See how it works?

I used to be able to touch my tongue to my nose. I’ve recently discovered that I can’t anymore and I’m concerned this means I have tongue arthritis. I’m not letting myself google tongue arthritis. Yet.

Oh, Jenny. On my recent trip to the Mainland, I had to resist taking pictures of giant metal chickens about 80 brazillion times. ALL DOWN TO YOU, DEAR. Thanks for so, so much funny, every day. xoxo and aloha from Caroline on O‘ahu!

I had a janitor at my high school who had a class eye. It kind of would wander too, so that he would have his real eye looking straight at you, but his glass eye would be looking off to the side. And if someone mentioned that his eye had gone wonky, he would just grab it and move it right in front of you. It was pretty disconcerting. Also, Ray Bradbury mentioned a character in his book that had dozens of glass eyes in their windowsill that would just be looking out at whoever passed by. Creepy as hell, man.

jenny,jenny,jenny!!! Loved your audiobook and would love a copy of the paperback!

Can probably fit 5 bodies under the bed, BUT, would not happen! Too dangerous in the zombie apocalypse. Unless I can use them as protection like in the Walking Dead, but I would have to do some grisly stuff to make that happen, and I don’t think I could. But then again, in the zombie apocalypse I think I could be a real bad ass so maybe it would all work out. hmmm….

I am sure that one could use as many glass eyes as they could get their hands on… Anyway, I would love a copy of the book and a glass eye – how cool would that be?? Look what came in the mail today!! A glass cow eye!!

Two blogs make my day every time I read them: The Bloggess and 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility – while they are seemingly unrelated, in my world, they are necessary for sanity. And yes, sanity is a relative term.

I NEED this book. Here is why. I bought your hardback version based on my cousin saying “THIS is our life”. Then I bought copies for my two daughters as they were also raised like you were. Then I bought the Kindle version after my husband got me a Kindle for Christmas. Then I had to buy ANOTHER copy of the hardback version for myself as I lent mine out and it never came back (as is foretold for all good books). And Monday was my birthday. And Tuesday I was accused of a crime I didn’t commit (true story). So I turned 45 and may go to jail all in the same week and I probably won’t get to take my Kindle. And I also have been in love with Eric Idle from Monty Python since I was about 10…..so the anglophile thing is there, also. The end.

Your posts always make me smile or laugh. But I have to say, your loquacious followers are a real hoot. I wish I didn’t have a separate life to live because I never have the time to read all the comments. Maybe you’ll have to write volume two made up of the best comments!

After my experience today, I’ve decided that drive-thru cashiers should be allowed to cane patrons who request special orders. Also, every person in line behind them *raises hand* should be allowed to get in a lick. Yup. That sounds about right.

IDK how many bodies could fit under our bed (not many I would guess), but I think how many would fit in a deep freeze would be the better question. I vividly remember when an 8-year-old me opened one of those giant deep freeze freezers at the appliance store and declared, “Woah! You could fit a ton of bodies in here.” There was an elderly couple near me. They were not amused.

Hundreds of comments later, all I can say is that I am super bummed because I lent out my hardcover US copy of the book to a friend before I finished reading it because I was super-busy at work and with my toddler at the time and figured I could read it better myself a month or two later when things calmed down. Also, the friend needed a good laugh and I knew it would be great for that. Alas, the book never came back & my friend left the state.

I’M GOING CRAZY WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. And therefore I soooooo want to win a copy!

Oh, and my favorite finger when I was a child was my right ring finger. I used to magically contort it backwards so I could suck on it. I was never a huge fan of toes, so I think that finger has to be my pick if we are talking about awesome extremities…

Yesterday at the store, one of my 3yo twins would only answer to “Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue!” So if I wanted to talk to him I had to say “Hey, Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue…” And this is why being a parent is hilarious 😀 Today? He’s batman.

Fish sticks and custard. You did say anything. So I’ll swear on something important that I really want to win an autographed book. Also a signing at BookPeople would be awesome in case I don’t win. Unless of course I somehow missed a BookPeople already despite reading their emails religiously so I don’t miss my favorite authors. I’ll shut up now.

This one time when my son was 4 he came home with a purple inflatable alien. It was probably around three feet tall and he was obsessed with the thing. One evening I was sitting at the table eating dinner and he had already finished and gotten down. All of the sudden I felt something touching my arm. It was the alien’s hand. And in a really creepy voice I heard, “I want your skin.”
Fortunately, I lived to tell the tale and it was really just my extremely creepy child doing this and the giant inflatable alien hadn’t come to life with an insatiable desire for human flesh.

My husband, our 2 year old son and I are moving from Chicago to NY later this month and I’ve packed all of the books so I could use one to read that I don’t have to undo prodigious amounts of packing tape to get at. Also you seem really quite fun and funny, I would like to read your book but am on financial lock down until after the move so a free copy would be keen!

Story of a nursing student
I woke up one morning walked into the hospital changed back into pajamas ( oh yeah they were scrubs) but as comfy as pajamas , covered my shoes with very strange booties and put a shower cap on and a mask across m face I was ready for surgery 🙂 Spent the day observing many various surgeries but the highlight of my day was when the surgeon placed a gall bladder in my hand then popped the galls stones out and placed them in my other. The highlight of my year holding someone’s beat up old gall bladder full of stones there I was standing there in awww you would’ve thought I won the lottery.

I bet I could go through 1000 cow eyeballs. The way my cats play with things ( and subsequently lose said things) I would need to keep replacing that shit. They are only a year old, so I should have another 14 years with each. Maybe an eyeball a week, per cat, for the rest of their lives… That’s 52 times 2 times 14… Oops that makes 1456. I change my answer to 1456.

Dunno about dead bodies, but we can fit a total of one goat skulls under our bed. It’s SUPPOSED to be a back yard decoration, but one of our dogs INSISTS it really belongs under our bed. We put it back outside, he drags it back in and hides it under the bed. It was disconcerting the first few times I lifted the bedskirt, cleaning or looking for something else, and discovered something LOOKING BACK AT ME. But, I’m used to it now. Plus, I don’t clean under the bed much anyway.

I would LOVE a signed copy of your book. I promise not to give it to the goat skull.

I bought tickets to the live broadcast of NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” for tomorrow night. Usually going to the movie theatre results in a panic attack and sometimes i buy tickets and then never actually get myself to the theatre. I’m hoping i make it there tomorrow night. You said we could comment about anything so i went with this.

Also I call vaginas “skin pockets”. That’s weird but you mentioned body part names. There you go.

If the second toe being longer than the first (big) toe means that one is the ruler of the house, what does it mean when both people in the house have longer second toes? That said – does anyone *not* have a longer second toe? Or do I just know a bunch of type-A people?

Holy snapping arse holes Hannah! Is it just me or are there a bazillion people vying for a free book? I was going to leave a note on the off chance that I’d get one but there are probably at least seven more deserving people on this thread, three of which probably have more hair on their chins then me but I’m not judging anyone.

So I will just go and buy myself a copy that way those unfortunates with a chinny, chin, chin or hairy, hair, hair can get a book. In the meantime I’m just going to enjoy this amazing day by taking a deep breath and living in the now.

I am one of your new followers, thanks to Jen Lancaster’s reading list, I am finally getting a chance to read your book. Thank you for being you!!! Makes me feel less alone with my craziness and strange disorders. 🙂
I am from a small Texas town and have family in the hill country. So i totally relate

See, I find the UK font a little unsettling and confusing. Do the letters have tendrils? Are those dendrites? Are the letters tripping? And I find myself tipping my little head to the side while looking at the screen, all perplexed eyes and bemused smile, and then I realized that’s how I frequently look while reading your blog, and even though it’s no adorable taxidermied mouse on the cover of your fabulous memoir, it works.

When I was six it was very important to me to have a pet, so I told everyone that I had a box of baby chicks under my bed. I was totally outed by my best friend, though, because even at six she was smart enough to know that you can’t really raise baby chicks under your bed.

(Incidentally, all novelty yard chickens now bear the name of Beyonce, no matter who it is who owns them or who among my friends is talking about them. That’s power, there.)

If you send me an autographed copy, I promise that my inner monologue will only read it in Alan Rickman’s voice. Also, the other day I finally provoked my husband into exclaiming, “I don’t even feel safe in my own house!” Tell Victor he doesn’t have to feel alone.

Jenny, thank you for giving this insane tribe a voice! Also- this bears no direct relation to this post at all (Except to maybe assert that I am indeed part of your crazy group of fans), but I read the blog a ton and I too have cats. They are named River Song and Stormagedon Dark Lord of All (she’s a kitten so we call her Stormie)…because Doctor Who is the best thing ever. So thank you for being awesome. I quote you way too much to people with no context, and it never fails to be funny.

One of my co-workers was complaining that her coffee creamer was being stolen from the fridge. I told her to put it into a different container and label it “breast milk”. She told me I was sick and wrong, but did it anyway. She now has creamer for her coffee every day. Problem solved. And to the rest of you who are going to use this bit of friendly advice, you’re welcome.

My son was killed 5 1/2 months ago. I’ve slipped into insanity, struggling with huge amounts of anxiety and PTSD. He was run over by a distracted driver on the way to family pictures. Im empty, but you Jenny bring me pieces of laughter.

Before I started reading your blog, the word “douche-____” wasn’t in my vocabulary. Now I regularly refer to people on TV and who get in my way driving/walking as douche-canoes or douche-nozzles. I know, I know. I’m welcome 🙂 Latest culprit, the bad guy on last week’s Elementary.

Hey Jenny!
First off, congrats on the book being such a raging success! I don’t know if you remember me, but we met at your book signing in NYC. I was the one developing the webseries (how many elementary kids would it take to fight a raptor?). Happy to say the series is premiering this next wednesday, may 8th! You were a huge influence in the writing and you liking the idea helped encourage us to make the series a reality. We included you in the special thanks of our credits. We would be honored if you’d check it our when it airs. Thanks again for everything!
All the best,
John Detty

My least favourite toe is the one with the blackened nail, from when I dropped a Batman electric toothbrush on it 6 months ago. I want to wear sandals without my gnarly toe frightening small children. The only known cure is your book (with a new chapter!)

My son’s “girlfriend” moved away last week and I asked how he was doing(they have been dating since last January), his response two days ago was “it’s okay Momma Kayla told me she would be my new GF and Mia told me if Kayla didn’t want to be my GF she would” Please keep in mind my son is ONLY 6. lol

My relationship with my boyfriend happened so fast that one of my best friends worried that he was an ax-murderer and was wooing me so that he could chop me up into little pieces (we also decided this would be done with a woodchipper). It was decided, between the three of us, that if/when he ever does he’ll mail my friend one of my toes so that she can wear it on a necklace. I’d never thought about having a “favorite” toe before, but now I’m thinking I’d better specify *which* toe I want him to send her.

Can’t resist trying. Besides, I’ve been meaning to ask, have you ever by chance noticed the Target house brand of Tampons’ packaging? Its a must see, sadly I have pointed it out to family members who just look at me like I am weird. Which is exactly why I think you will see the humor.

I have no bodies under beds, that I know of, but I did drunkly buy a bookcase last night at Target so a new book to put on a shelf would be tits. Or a jar of eyeballs. Those would look pretty snazzy sitting next to my kid’s Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

Just read your book and LOVED it!! I’ve never followed blogs before but yours is now on my favorites website list!! I can’t get enough of your writing! Thanks for the constant entertainment and insight into your world 🙂

I really think you should send me a copy of this book so I can be show up my roommate who only has the American version of this book. I would read it while wearing a monacle and talking in a(n awful version of a) British accent. 🙂

The fact that I actually have a glass eyeball story to contribute is in itself disturbing.
And you will so help me avoid that whole PayPal, amazon, where do I actually ‘live’ malarky if’n ya care to toss one my way.

Love reading your posts…they make me giggle, even when I don’t want to. Thanks for the years of laughs and virtual support. And for all you do — it means so much to see how much you care about everyone else. Even with your own struggles.

I could fit three regular size bodies under my bed. If they were properly diced, I could probably do about five. Unless you define people as dolls. If dolls count, I could go about fifty, as long as damage didn’t take away points.

I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Except replace “shot” with “told a story to,” and replace “die” with, um, I dunno, “feign interest.” Also, I’ve never been to Reno. Wow, this is a lot harder than it looks.

I have the North American version of your book but a British version would be so much better so I can read it again except this time with a Britsh accent. A British accent makes everything just a little bit better. So does an extra chapter. So does your signature. It you want to throw in a couple of glass cow eyeballs too, I wouldn’t mind 😉

if i had two vintage glass cow eyes, i’d stick them in my crocidile skull. then Niles would be able to look out the window and creep out the postman.
if i had a copy of your book, i’d be ecstatic. even though i wouldn’t get to bother the postman.

Let’s see I’m in the process of moving back to my parents house after living on my own in an apartment for the past 7 years. Trying to get 7 years of stuff from an apartment back down into a couple rooms has been quite the challenge.

Especially with my love of books. Most of my boxes were filled with books. And I have notebooks upon notebooks of writings. I either need to type them up or scan them in. I haven’t decided yet.

Strangely, I haven’t tried to fit anything unique underneath my bed yet. My room is still being organized. But possibly after some time, the dust bunnies, will have a good home under my bed 😀

I have three rescue cats. One was living with a foster family in Princeton, NJ when I adopted him and the little girl in the house had named him Jeff. I could not change his name, as he totally looks like a Jeff. It was not until I took him to the vet that I realized his name is Jeff Davis (as that it my last name). I have since moved to Alabama. So every time I take him to the vet, when they call him back “JEFF DAVIS” I feel like every person in the waiting room is thinking I am a redneck racist.

I think the median number of glass eyeballs that a person uses in a lifetime is zero. The mean number of glass eyes that a person uses in a lifetime is probably between 0.000001 and 0.02. The lower estimates assume that 1 in million people use 1 glass eyeballs in their life and the upper estimate assumes that 1 in 10,000 people use 20 glass eyeballs in their life.

I can probably fit 2-4 intact average adult human bodies under my bed.

Bloggess, what is the scale of your Haunted Dollhouse again? We spend the whole summer building a huge Halloween Display (www.davisgraveyard.com) and we would to make you some sized down pieces for your Dollhouse!

I’m fairly certain I could a use for vintage glass eyeballs. I’d put them in drawers and randomly on shelves at work so wary unsuspecting people would immediately think that the aliens (or government) are watching them. Come to think, those would work infinitely better than the vintage REAL eyeballs I’ve been using, I swear I won them at a charity auction…. Oh and I’d also cherish an autographed copy of your book- but that just goes without saying…

So I have to tell you a little story. I have five sisters and one brother. Last fall one of my sisters found your book, and she decided to start a little project with it. She bought a bunch of different colored Sharpies and started writing in it, underlining areas that made her think of one of us, as in “This is totally something DJ would say.” She gave it to me next, and I’ve passed it on. We each use our own color of Sharpie so we can tell them apart, since all our handwriting looks the same. When we are all done we will get to see what the finished result is.

So I need my own copy now because it’s by far the funniest book ever and part of why I decided to start dealing with my own anxiety issues. So much better now, thank you for inspiring me.

So, my pug lost his eye last month. My best friend was the one that removed it–she is a vet, she didn’t just whip out a pocket knife and start carving. She also put in a neuticle, okay, not a neuticle, but an eyeball prosthetic before sewing it closed. She lamented that it was a little smaller than what he really needed, but it was a Saturday emergency surgery and the eyeball prosthetic/neuticle store was already closed. My Grandmother wanted him to get a glass eye. I’m thinking if a glass cow eyeball would have fit and happened to arrive that day, it would have been the coolest of all. Alas, the box obviously got diverted in the mail to you. So, can I have a book instead?

Also the pug, once released from his cone of shame, has no inhibitions once again about running through the house and leaping across furniture, lack of depth perception be damned. Plus, he’s totally working the “I’m too sexy for my eye” angle with the ladies.

Your favorite toe.
The second-from-the-left on my right foot. It is the only one that isn’t weird-shaped. I got my dad’s toes, which has made life difficult for him, particularly the walking bits.

The pet names of your body parts.
I call my heels Achilles because I am not very creative.

How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.
This depends on whether normal people use glass eyeballs as eclectic marbles. And on whether normal people play marbles. More data required.

The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.
It depends on whether the bodies can be disassembled. Probably two, I think, unless they are very small people or children, in which case I could probably fit four or so.

It’s totally up to you.
FREE BONUS: I gave my fiance a snowcone machine for his birthday because I kept thinking about your story about snow cones. But he hasn’t read your book yet, so he was pretty baffled by my suggestion he put pickle juice in a snow cone. He does, however, read your blog, and we both agree that in our relationship he is you. This conversation came up one time, talkin’ ’bout how reading your blog makes us think of our relationship, and he said “You’re Victor” at the EXACT SAME TIME that I said “I’m Victor.” Then we laughed. Then I sighed and said “Poor Victor.”

I am not worthy, of either the eyeballs or the British version of your book. But I would love to have either one. And I’m thinking quite a few dead bodies would fit actually…until they started reanimating in to zombies.

Sign me up for some glass cow eyeballs! Oh, wait. This isn’t for glass eyeballs. Oh, well, I guess a book would be the next best thing. I’ve read it on Kindle, but I could use a version where they spell “color” as “colour” and mispronounce “aluminum” (at least the silly English accident in my head would do that as I read it, if the word “aluminum” appears in the book – I don’t recall if it does so I suppose I’ll have to re-read it to find out, in which case a new volume would come in handy to make it seem like a new book I’m reading). Not to mention my hubby would be totally psyched about an autographed copy because he LOVED the book even more than I did. In any case, I’ve now commented and I’ll remain hopeful that I win! Thanks!

My daughter’s newest imaginary creation is Bob the Unicorn. He lives in a trash can and poops rainbow-colored butterflies. Wonder if any of your artists caught Bob in the act of snogging. Wonder if Bob snogs. Wonder where all those butterflies go…

Your favorite toe – easy, the big one, easiest to paint with nail polish without painting half my toe in the process. The pet names of your body parts – wishing that I was a guy so that I could say “the big one” again LOL, but nothing more interesting than “the twins/girls”.
How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime – normal? I’ve never heard of this “normal” you speak of, so I’m going to have to guess somewhere around 3. As for non-glass eyeballs, well, let’s just say 20 or more at the bare minimum.
The number of bodies you can fit under your bed – easy, somewhere around 3.

I have a cow eyeball story! While dissecting one in college and too cheap to buy my own dissection kit, I began to saw away at the eyeball when it exploded all over my face. So lesson here: spring for the new scalpel.

I bought the e-reader version for my Kindle, made it 3/4 of the way through (I have a newborn who dislikes being jostled awake from my muffled hysterical laughter…), then my kindle kicked it and I haven’t been able to finish it! How does it end! I will never know! So a real live book version would be wonderful.

I have 2 cats, their names are Took (pronounced Tooook), and Sapphira.
Took is named after the hobbit Peregrin (Pippin) Took. He was quite mischievous when we first brought him home, so the name fits quite well. Sapphira has bright blue eyes and is named after the dragon in Eregon.

Well my favorite toe is actually my middle toe. Due to some weird mishap of genetics not only am I one of those people whose second toe is longer than my big toe, but my middle toe is longer too. Thanks Mom and Dad.

I would have attempted something witty here in the hopes that it would compel you to send me one of your fabulous UK versions… but after reading all these hilariously awesome comments (as usual) I feel a whole lot less witty than when I started! [but, as usual, I got so many EXTRA laughs out of your blog from your wonderful readers!!!!]

My first edition Nook (Yes. That’s what they call it. “First Edition.” Like it’s vintage or has a heavenly old book smell or something.) ANYWAY, my Nook doesn’t have color. In fact, it has little tiny photos that I can’t enlarge. I want a real copy of your book that has a signature and will develop an old book smell over time.

Thanks, Jenny. I love you so hard, I’m chafed.

PS. My favorite toe is the squiffy one that I smashed in a car door when I was nine and my breasts are named Myrtle and Brenda.

I have this condition, I guess it’s technically a virus. It’s temporary, thank God, but it takes months to cure. It’s kind of like having worms (or so I hear), what with the ravenous hunger, problems with bladder control, sporadic abdominal pain, nausea, fatigue, etc. Better still, all of these changes in my body are making me super irritable and the stress is throwing off my hormones. I’ve gained weight and I’m retaining water. Uhg, my calves and feet have never been this swollen. I can’t sleep. My immune system is shot which means I’m suffering allergies like a snot beast from hell. The doctor has me on some supplements but I don’t know if they’re doing anything. I just don’t feel like I can handle anything more than watching reruns of M*A*S*H* and eating tubes of cookie dough. Everyone tells me to take it easy and everyone is being super nice about it but I KNOW I’m not really sick and it’s just NOT feasible for me to not work. So, here I sit at my desk, dripping snot, half asleep, with a temper shorter than an inch worm. But the baby’s due in July, so I only have a few months left I guess.