How to Deceptively Use Your Fake ID

My fake ID and I spent a happy two years together before I celebrated being of the legal drinking age. Not knowing anyone who looked like me, a girl on my floor gave me a fake that her sister had found years ago, but never used. Since we never knew the girl personally, we never felt bad making fun of her rather man – ish appearance and dopey expression. Regardless of the fact that she was 50 pounds heavier, four inches shorter and looked nothing like me, and besides the fact that we had the same colour of hair (hers was tragically up in a greasy ponytail in her picture, we looked nothing alike, I managed to consume this girl’s identity and convince every bouncer in the city to let me in.

I’ll let you in on my secret. The trick to using a fake ID isn’t in finding a girl who could pass as your twin, who is willing to give you every piece of identity that she owns (although if you can find this, it will probably make your life a hell of a lot easier). The trick to using a fake is about confidence. If you go up to the bouncer and act as though they are the stupid one for questioning your identity, instead of acting stupid and guilty for trying to pass the ID of someone who probably wouldn’t pass as your second cousin once removed off as yourself, you stand a good chance of getting in. Here are some of the ways that I managed to convince a lot of bouncers that they were horrible at their jobs:

1. Use an excuse that makes the bouncer feel uncomfortable.
As I mentioned before, the girl who’s ID I was using was a solid 50 pounds heavier than me. While you may be questioning how I could tell this from just a photos of her face – trust me, you could. I began by using the excuse “I lost a lot of weight,” but that never really did the trick. The bouncer has heard that once more times than they can count, and while the excuse could be true, they will definitely continue to ask you more questions. So I started to make the lie a bit more elaborate. I would pull the bouncer slightly aside, muster up some tears (which truly isn’t very hard to do when you’re drunk), and tell “Look, I lost a lot of weight before coming to university, since I was bullied in high school. I would really appreciate if you didn’t call me out in front of my friends, since I never told them.” Not only did the bouncer apologize, but he offered me free cover for the disturbance. While I’m not condoning lying, sometimes a girl gotta do what she has to do.

2. Act how your mother does when someone compliments her for looking so young.
If you’re using the ID of a girl who is considerably older than you, chances are, the bouncer is going to realize that you don’t look as old as you’re pretending to be. When they tell that you don’t look old enough, instead of acting offended, act like they just complimented you. Touch their arm flirtatiously, and laugh to your confused friends saying “well my eye cream must be working!” If you really have to sell it, tell them its been a long time since someone told you that you looked so young, and that they “made your night.” Even if your ID only says that your 24, your tone will likely remind him of how his mother acts when her bookclub friends compliment her, and he’ll be temporarily confused enough to let you in.

3. Site the ‘Power of Makeup.’
“Are you saying that I look ugly without makeup? Do you even know the magic that is contouring?” If you’re going to the bar, you’ve likely put your face on. Even if the girl in your ID is wearing some makeup, it won’t be as much as you’re going to be wearing that night (and if it is, you better step up your game). Start throwing around terms such as ‘contouring’, ‘baking’ and ‘strobing,’ and going into extreme detail about how drastically they change your face until the bouncer become so bored that he lets you in. If you’re still concerned that they might see through your facade, throw on some false lashes, so that you can reference them by saying “look, I even glued things onto my face with the intention of looking different.”

4. Retort all of the difficult questions that they ask you
If they ask you what you’re horoscope sign is, laugh and say “I never would have pegged you as someone who believes in horoscopes.” If they ask you to spell your street name backwards, ask them if they could do the same. Trust me, there is a comeback for everything that they ask that you don’t actually know the answers for. While its imperative that you memorize all of the actual information written on the ID itself, laugh at all other questions as being unreasonable, or knowledge that is irrelevant (see: “I didn’t know I needed to care about my birthstone to be able to go get a drink.”)

5. In a dire situation, have a piece on non – ID with you
Depending on how much you want to commit to the act, get an Airmiles, Starbucks or various other rewards/ membership card out in your fake’s name. If the bouncer isn’t buying your stellar act, say to them “I must have something else in here (your purse/ wallet) to prove that this is really me.” After a bit of fake searching (because it will look obvious AF if you pull your shiny new points card out right away), ask the bouncer how you would have this if it wasn’t really you. As usual, make up a story to coordinate with whatever piece of ID you’re about to hand him. If you’re giving him a fake gym membership, tell him that you have it on you still since you went to a pilates class a couple of hours ago that absolutely killed you, if you’re giving a Starbucks card, tell him how annoying the line was today. If you continue to make steady, confident conversation as if you really are the person that you are claiming to be, there’s a good change that they might buy it. Or get so fed up with you that they let you in. Regardless, you still got into the bar..

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair.
Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at crazygirlfriend.tsm@gmail.com
Watch the bitch behind these stories at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m-7cOzh_oI&t=237s