How to call off work so you can bike more . . .

It looks like the weather is finally turning. Warmer, less wind, less rain. No snow. A huge change from the crap weather we have had since that rodent predicted an early spring. Which is why we probably shouldn't rely on animals to forecast the weather for us.

So, now that the weather is nicer, you might be wondering how you can get some biking in, and chances are, your job is interfering with that goal.

In the interest of the public good and bike shops everywhere, I have compiled a list of excuses you can use to get out of work, so you can put a few more miles in. These excuses come with no warranties or guarantees and you are using them at your own risk. Remember, the best way to get through any lie is to say it with a straight face, which is easy to fake if you are on the phone and no one can actually see your face.

Here you go:

1. Your goldfish died and when you flushed it down the toilet it clogged your toilet and you are waiting for the plumber. Don't say your cat died; everyone hates cats (even cat owners; I have five and I hate all five of them) and no one will believe you are upset that your cat died and generally people don't flush their dead cat down the toilet.

2. You got into a dispute with your crazy neighbor about where your poperty line is, and he came over in the middle of the night and ice picked all your tires.

3. You lost your car.

4. Both of your feet fell asleep and you can't walk.

5. You can't find your shoes.

6. You have amnesia and you don't remember who you are or where you work.

7. Today is a religious holiday for a religion you created on the Internet.

8. You woke up and you and your 12 year old kid switched bodies.

9. You thought it was Saturday.

10. You don't have any clean underwear.

11. You can't find your cell phone and there is no way you can go anywhere without your phone because you won't be able to post to Facebook or text your boyfriend/girlfriend all day long.

12. You locked yourself in the bathroom.

13. You are taking a mental health day; if you have to go to work you will spend the whole day crying in your office and won't get anything done anyway.

14. Siri hates you and when you asked her for directions to the office, she took you to Nebraska instead and then you and her got into a big fight and she is giving you the silent treatment and won't help you get home.

15. A paper cut you got at work the day before has become infected and your finger is now the size of a cucumber and you cannot possibly type with only 9 fingers.

16. You started watching the Lifetime channel 18 hours ago, and the movie you were watching still has not ended, and you absolutely have to find out what happens because you have invested 18 hours of your life into this movie.

17. You went to your Mom's house for dinner last night and you ate so much you are in a food coma.

18. It's your turn to make the doughnuts.

19. Your evil, identical twin has stolen your identity and locked you in the trunk of your car.

20. You are exhausted because you were up all night wracking your brain trying to figure out why Wile E. Coyote continues to use the Acme Company when all of their devices fail.

PS: If you want a long term solution, get your boss into biking; then you can both blow off work and let him or her come up with the excuses.