Psychiatrists are not to be trusted

Conversation with Victor after I came home from my appointment with my shrink.

Victor: So what’d your doctor say?

me: The usual. Still crazy.

Victor: Well, at least you’re stable.

me: She gave me something to kill the insomnia. Ro-something? I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s supposed to just knock you out completely.

Victor: Rohypnol? Your doctor gave you roofies?

me: I’m pretty sure my doctor didn’t give me the date rape drug. It just sounds like rohypnol. Wait, hang on. There’s an actual warning on this pamphlet that you have to be careful to not accidentally have sex in your sleep.

Victor: Your doctor gave you roofies. Generic roofies.

me: Wow. I probably should have tipped her.

PS. I took the drug and it was not roofies. Or I’m immune to roofies. One of those. But, in brighter news I’m getting a lot accomplished due to not sleeping. Like, I’m really good at drawing dinosaurs now. And at making water-beds for cats. And at involuntary hallucinations and forgetting where I live.

PPS. It occurrs to me that if you don’t have insomnia you probably missed the day when I live-tweeted my hour-long attempt at making water beds for cats, so I’m going to reprint it all here. Because the cats and I shouldn’t be the only ones to suffer.

I’ve decided to use all this extra insomnia time to make a waterbed, using only ziploc bags & a cardboard box.

It’s going to be awesome. Also, Victor really should stop leaving me at home unsupervised.

The waterbed isn’t for me. It’s for the cats. These cats have never even SEEN a waterbed. They’re gonna be ecstatic.

I’m going to need some duct tape. And a mop. And some…cat mittens.

Hang on. I can totally *make* cat mittens out of duct tape. THESE PROBLEMS ARE SOLVING THEMSELVES.

Are your sure Victor didn’t bribe your Dr to give you the not-quite-roofies? I know several couples who swear Ambien saved their marriages–he got sex and she didn’t care or remember–sex while asleep has its upside.

Our cat fell off the bed this morning, and looked very, very angry when we laughed. If our cat had duct-tape mittens, the sticky part of the tape might help it not fall off the bed and get angry at us when we laugh and then pee on the neckties I’ve left on the floor of my closet. So what I’m saying is that I think I need cat waterbeds too.

#1. Can I have the name of your doctor please?
#2. Do you think she would do me up a gift basket? I like to feel like it’s a special event when I open my date rape drugs.
#3. If I take the date rape drugs while making water beds for chinchillas, will that cause a rip in the space/time continuum?
#4. I might be on prescription drugs already. Can you tell?

If you put a strip of scotch tape along their spine they will combat crawl all over the house. It is hilarious, but be very careful taking it off…I suggest tongs and pulling from the head area toward the tail. Yeah.

Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re still not sleeping, and the Victor isn’t doing things to you in your sleep. On the other topic, duct tape mittens would be a horrible idea at litterbox time. Horrible. Lending to the need for kitty Pampers, which will be easier to apply as the duct tape keeps them from running away quickly.

Oh young one, I could’ve told you that duct tape and cats aren’t a good mix. I saw an after school special about it years ago. Unless perhaps they’re masochistic cats. But how would you ever know that for sure?

You can’t take Ambien unless you have a great shoe collection. After I took it, I would always wake nude in the morning with shoes everywhere, sometimes with a different style shoe still on each foot. Good times, (I think).

Didn’t Bob Barker endorse condom use for cats in order to control the unwanted-pet population? (Granted, this is only peripherally relevant to the matter at hand … which sums up most of my input. I’ll stop now.)

You need to drink Hot Toddies cuz passing out drunk is the same as sleeping. :D

Hot Toddy

1 ounces Whiskey
1 ounce Honey
ounce Lemon Juice
3 ounces Water (Hot)
If you have a microwave, the easiest way to make this drink is to warm the honey and lemon juice for about half a minute and then to add hot water and the whiskey. Otherwise, we recommend that you stir the honey and lemon juice into extremely warm water, allow it to cool slightly, and add the whiskey.

I am also highly-productive when I have insomnia, and I’m not even joking. Insomnia night (usually once per week, unless I double up for a two-nighter one week, then it seems to hold at bay) is usually the only time when I do laundry. Or clean things I would normally never clean. Like the walls. Which if you had boys would completely make sense.

I promise that I am not on meth, even though this behavior seems suspicious, even to me. I hate cleaning.

I also have some pretty awesome sleep-deprived ideas. I always forget to write them down, however. That, and I don’t have cats.

I think you should become a grave digger since you have insomnia and since working at night is called the “graveyard shift.” THEN, if you were a grave digger working the graveyard shift, you can warn us when the zombies awake and are coming. You can be the Paul Revere of our generation. ” Zombies are coming,” “the Zombies are coming.” See? History in the making and you would be the star. So quit whining about not being able to sleep missy, you can be a history maker and how many of us can really say that?

I didn’t miss the live tweeting about the cat waterbeds. As you posted each one I read them aloud to my household and I thought they were all gonna die laughing so that I could get some house work done.

That ended up a no go because shortly before they would have spontaneously combusted from laughing so hard they stopped. It was dead silence like in a cemetery or library. I guess its not nice to speak too loudly around the dead which reminds me is that how you wake a zombie, by talking too loud?

I am not allowed to do housework while everyone sleeps due to the music being too loud. My family are a bunch of kill joy’s . But what they don’t understand is I am most productive between the hours of Midnight and 6 am. Then I want to sleep.

Thanks to the time difference between America and my little island your insomniac tweets have been sliding quite nicely into my day so I managed to enjoy the whole cat experiment live. It’s been nice not to feel left out and behind the time of all the tweets. I felt special. So, there you go, your insomnia has benefited the British. Well done.

Also, female or no, you might want to explore the possibility that your Psychiatrist is stalking you. There’s a definite set up for kidnap in all of this…

Insomnia sucks ass bad. I’ve had it since I hit puberty, which was so long ago, I forget when it was. For the first time in my life, I’m getting consistent sleep using Trazedone. Have you tried this? Unfortunately, it doesn’t promote sleep sex or the ingenuity that resulted in cat water beds but you have to be willing to sacrifice a thing or two for sleep.

Trazedone was originally made as an anti-depressant but does a better job as a sleep aid. So if you use it, you get double benefits and everyone wins. Unless, of course, somehow it manages to disable your funny bone. But let’s not think about that.

Rozerem probably. My doc prescribed it for me a while ago. With the warning that it doesn’t keep you asleep. It only helps you fall asleep. Which doesn’t really help at 3 o’clock in the morning when I wake up to pee then can’t get back to sleep because there are LOTS of things to worry about when you’re peeing at 3 am so by the time I stumble back to bed all I can do is let the anxiety take over.

My friend was way luckier. She went to the prescription happy doc at urgent care and got a prescription for klonopin. Her waking life is still hell, but at least she sleeps well.

What size condoms did you use? Maybe Ferris Mewler’s ego is damaged from not using Magnums. Never underestimate the size of a cat’s…well, you know, feet. I’d also make sure to pay careful attention to if their ribbed and/or lubed.

I always love insomnia for the first few days, and then it just gets irritating. Good luck with the sleep issues! And sorry the roofies didn’t work. Next time, try dissolving them in a Sex On The Beach or Long Island Iced Tea; they may work better that way.

P.S. – it’s me, Carm…the sweet ladybug from PNN – which turned out to be a rat bastard blog site full of spam who wronged you IMMENSELY, yet it’s where I met you, so I can’t complain too much. ANYWAAAAAYYYSSS, that’s pretty much it, you know…just trying to jog your memory…it probably didn’t work. Even though you love Hannah more than me, STILL…I can’t help it. Give Hailey a hug from Auntie Carm…and uh…yeah…I guess that’s it. OH! Slug Victor in the arm for me – feel free to tell him it’s from me. I’m sure he’ll know EXACTLY who I am…I just realized how totally “onlinish lamesauce” this entire comment was…except for the intro…that HAD to catch your eye, right? Bleh. Whatevs. I love you. Oh, and don’t be jealous or anything, but Hannah came out here after Christmas and she and her awesome hubby stayed at my house and I think that makes my house a Jew Haven of some sort, so I’m pretty much an honorary Jew.

None of this has anything to do with waterbeds for kitty cats, I REALIZE THAT, OKAY?? It’s just been a long time since I commented and wanted to just pop on by. So…I guess this is where you can delete my post because it’s too long and stuff. BUT I STILL LOVE YOU. SO DON’T WORRY!!!!!!!!!! I love you, I really do…you can ask ANYONE! ~ Carm

I like the idea of some dude giving a girl roofies but instead of falling asleep so he can hit that unconscious sex, she starts maniacally creating cat water beds.

Although upon re-reading, I think that no matter how a sentence ends, it should not start with the words, “I like the idea of some dude giving a girl roofies….” Kind of hard to pull people back in after than one.
jill

Dude. Holy crap, I’m totally going to be making a waterbed for my cat this weekend. He was declawed when I got him, so I don’t necessarily need the mittens but I’m gonna put the duct tape on him anyway, just for shits and giggles.

I can’t get my doctor to give me anything and we don’t even have to pay for drugs. Unless I offered to pay. Can you get arrested for offering to pay your doctor for drugs? I’d like to be clear before I get started.

Glad to know I’m not the only insomniac meds don’t work on. Ambien didn’t do shit, and it took 3x the normal does of Restoril to actually get me to sleep. Haven’t tried roofies, but copious amounts of Jaegermeister or Mike’s Hard Lemonade used to work damn good (the hubby learned quickly that drunk Raine equaled me passing out asleep as soon as we got to the car, rather than him getting laid – also I can’t work a zipper when drunk).

Umm yeah, off from that tangent, I used to use my insomnia time to clean. I’m a serious slob so this has led to the hubby freaking out once or twice because he thought he was in the wrong house when he woke up. It also made me a really great fit for night shift, except I’d be all awake and talky at 3am and my co-workers
would be all like STFU, we’re trying to sleep and not get caught.

I do not understand why people don’t like waterbeds. You can totally use the wave action to your advantage…you know…*wink wink nudge nudge*..only thing is that now someone probably is turning me into the authorities because it SEEMS like I’m talking about Kitties doing the NASTY..only I’m talking about consensual adults here people, DAMMIT!!!!! Anyway – I had one in the 90’s and when we switched from waterbed to pillowtop regular mattress, I had to slow my roll so-to-speak. It was like learning how to ride a bike all over again! WOW…viva la TMI. Sorry…but I’m hitting “submit” anyway…

If I could laugh harder, I would’ve died. I read the twitter feed the next morning from that experiment and that was funny on its own but the “rohypnol” was even greater. On the bright side, it seems you can remember not getting sleep so that’s good… sorta.

Ha! At least your insomnia-triggered projects are more potentially-lucrative than mine. I spent last night looking for random magazine ads that I could modify to include various Kenny Rogers lyrics. Right now I’m working on photoshopping a vintage Syphilis advertisement with lyrics from”Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town.”

Wait, I have an idea…If you ever figure out how to make these waterbeds without the bleeding part, I could develop your “Felines on The Islands In The Stream”-inspired marketing campaign!

All I ask is that you think about it. (Even though thanks to my insomnia I’ll probably end up doing it anyway.)

Sorry the roofies didn’t work. Someone recommended Trazadone, but I don’t – didn’t work for me. Since I’m not a normal person, I sleep mornings and am up all night. I fall asleep about the time Morning Joe comes on (and I don’t have to watch him – hooray!). Usually I hit your blog about 3am, so today is totally weird. Maybe I have daytime insomnia? Never considered that. Thanks Jenny. Time to work on that project I was thinking of, sort of a bed thing for pets, but wobbly and soft???

I’m immune to roofies too. Had to explain to the doctor that they wouldn’t help my insomnia, THEN had to explain how I knew. Then she tried a bunch of other stuff that didn’t work either. Most of it just made me hostile.

Also, I hope they find something to help you sleep. I went through 4 or 5 medications before they found what works for me. It happens to actually be an anti-psychotic, even though they’ve told me I’m not psychotic. But I’m finally sleeping consistently for the first time in YEARS, so I don’t really care.

Ah Jenny. How I wish I were clever and funny like your other commenters. But I’m not, *sigh* so I apologize in advance for being boring. Thank you for making me laugh (again!). I so so so wish that I had a magical harmless pill that would take away your pain and help you to sleep.

Here’s a thought. Many of the funniest, kindest, and cleverest people I know have painful conditions and/or other problems such as insomnia. Maybe the truly strong people learn how to laugh and love in spite of the pain.

Insomnia is the worst. I know it well. Things done on little or no sleep: dressing up the cat/getting stitches; rearranging the entire apartment/realizing a few hours later that the bed should probably not be in the kitchen; painting bathroom/watercolors and humid room don’t mix.

White Russians, or White Roofies as I call them, give me a total loss of memory after consuming two. It’s the only drink I’ve found that has this effect on me. This past weekend I got on stage with the band I’d come to see and played the tambourine for them…without them having to ask. Then I got lost in the woods….
PS. Some kind lady found me.
PSS. I slid/rolled down the hill in front of my house upon arriving home.

Ask your dr for seraquil …seriously go do it! You won’t get date raped, but you will need to make arrangements for Victor to carry you out of the house in case of fire! (My husband takes them and they seriously work!).

One time I had a dog…when I brought him home he jumped on the waterbed and freaked the fuck out…couldn’t figure out how to get off the waterbed. Funniest. shit. ever. I wasn’t on drugs….and Im still not….

oh wow, this couldn’t have come at a better time. I desperately need a hand drawn dinosaur, preferably one on roofies. I really don’t mean to bother you, but since you’re not sleeping anyway….could you?

The intensity and stubbornness of your insomnia really freaks me out. But at least thousands of people get entertainment from it. Think of all the poor insomniacs that try to make cat waterbeds, tell their friends about it, and end up in a padded room. You’ve got it made.

FYI, Fred Miller: Cat’s penises…peni?…have backwards barbs on them and if you need to see what that looks like Google *will* oblige you.
Andi, I’ve heard that definition for insomnia as well and I, too, have a totally different circadian rhythm than normal people, but it sounds like Jenny isn’t sleeping much during any time of the day. (Note that I am writing this at 4:39 a.m. and have not gone to bed yet “for the night.”)
Jenny, Rozerem sucks and is for amateur insomniacs. You sound like you’re on the pro circuit. I’ve done well with a small dose of trazodone (an old school anti-depressant used almost exclusively for sleep problems anymore) and a very small dose of clonazepam along with it. I take them about 30-45 minutes before I want to sleep. The trazodone will make you a bit zombie-ish the first few days, BUT that goes away within the first week, so power through those few days. (It sounds like you could use a few xombie-ish days of recovery, anyway.) This combo not only helps me fall asleep, but it helps me sleep *soundly*, without waking for a normal period of time (8-10 hours depending on my pain levels and whether or not I’m in a “flare”) and helps control my anxiety. I know a ton of people who trazodone has helped and only a couple who swear by any of the newfangled sleeping pills like Rozerem or Ambien. I see other people recommended both trazodone and clonazepam (Klonopin) so maybe you can ask your doc since you’re getting a min-consensus. (Doctors take blog commenters advice into consideration, right??) I absolutely DO NOT recommend Seroquel which someone mentioned. It is a schizophrenia and bipolar drug used off label for insomnia and the side effects can be nasty. (Yes, I have taken it for bipolar; it did make me sleepy, but “dumb sleepy” and it didn’t help with the bipolar at all. I was glad, because the side effects list scared the shit outta me.) Drug reps are pushing this off label use lately; it must be coming off of patent or something. (I hate when docs just give you shit the reps tell them to give you. Is that why they went to school for all of those years??) Anywho…I hope you find you’re magic bean soon. (((Hugs)))

Dear Sweet Mama is taking the Ambien, which apparently makes you drive and steal construction equipment in your sleep. At least that’s what the nice officer said… I mean, that’s what it said on the pamphlet…

I’m starting to feel a bit better about the fact that I like working from 10 pm to 4 am…but I’m not getting enough sleep during the day to offset that lately. Trying to put condoms on my cats’ feet would be a good way to lose a limb…

I felt a sense of horror and dismay when I realized the waterbed was intended for the cats… The Hubby and I had to sleep on an air mattress for a while here recently, and it didn’t last long due to kitty claw-claws. At first we thought it was a defective mattress, because we are stupid and could never think our beloved kitties could be capable of destruction. *blinks* But when a second mattress also proved “defective” we eventually gave up and slept on the floor until we could afford an actual bed. I applaud your efforts and your wish for Ferris Mewler to experience the wonder of a water bed, but I could only think “Oh Sweet Jeebus, it’ll be like our air mattresses but *WITH WATER*!” I am so sorry for your insomnia–I feel your pain–and I hope future attempts at beating the shit out it (the insomnia, that is…) are more successful.

Question is, where is she gonna find a comforter and sheet set to fit a ziploc bag???? Bed Bath and Beyond ain’t gonna sell that shit, she’s gonna have to go full custom, likely asking a local quilter to make her special bedding. As far as the cat feet covering problem she needs to use small sized doggy shoes they will work great!

OMG. I just found your site and think that we are twins that were separated at birth. Only I’m older. Yeah. Sooo, I’m glad that I’m not the only person who does stuff like this and is perfectly willing to admit it. Hehehehe. :D

Now, don’t turn this into another “you don’t love meeeee!” argument… You know I love you when you’re good and regard you with the vague fondness you would give to your cousin’s son’s grandchild when you’re bad.

OK, I found your blog when a friend shared the giant chicken link, and I’ve been reading backwards. Only I’m crying (from laughing with, not at lol) and wheezing (from asthma). I hope you get some sleep soon, but the cat waterbeds just might be worth it :D.

OMG, I just found your blog and I think I’ve injured myself. I can’t read backwards in it anymore because I’m at my office, and I thought I’d be safe because most of the real working people have left, but no, the *cleaning people* have come to make sure I was okay. I think they thought I was choking. Or throwing up. No, just seriously identifying, thank you.

Thank you for existing and being ME. You also seem to be married to my husband. Interesting.

Just found your blog – fantastic. Can’t wait to read more. Something to consider – if the insomnia doesn’t seem stress related, it might be blood sugar/adrenal issues. That’s why I get it. Cutting out sugar, eating several small meals a day, and getting adrenal/thyroid/liver support can make a HUGE difference. I use a naturopath to help with this. Good luck, m’dear. Hope you get sleep soon.

Your blog = A- FUCKING- MAZING! It all started with that giant chicken link and now the cat waterbeds. You are ridiculous. Sleeping is completely over rated and I think more people should have insomnia. Well, maybe not.