Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dear Mommy and Daddy (a.k.a. Kimye),

Grandma Kris recently informed me that I haven’t been
doing enough publicity for the Kardashian family so I decided to share this
letter that I have written to you, my loving parents, with the entire world. I
hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable that I am sharing a private moment with
everyone…

Hi! It’s me… well, I don’t have a name yet, but maybe we
can come up with one together! Some ideas: Kamille? Karol? Karoline?
Klementine? Kolleen? So many beautiful names to choose from, I just can’t
decide.

While we are pondering names, I would also like to make a
request. Daddy, would it be possible for you to write a song in my honor? I
mean, if Blue Ivy can have a song written for her, don’t you think I deserve
the same star treatment? I know you’re busy and may not have time to write an
entirely new song for me, but maybe
we can just play around with some of the lyrics to one of your old ones? She take my binky. When I’m in need. You
ain’t nothing but a binkydigger. I’m just throwing out ideas here; I’m
totally open to suggestions. Or, if you’d like, I can ask Taylor Swift to write
the song. I hear she’s won some Grammy’s and they don’t give those out to just anyone,
right?

I would also like to put in a request for my own spin-off
show when the timing is right. (I was thinking about six months after I am
born?) Perhaps the show could be called Kimye’s
Daughter Takes Gymboree? By the way, I am totes okay with being filmed all
day long, but I would prefer it if you did not televise my birth. I will have
had no time to do hair and makeup before making my first appearance in front of
the cameras, and that just doesn’t seem fair.

A few other minor requests: I want the same amount of
daily naps that Scott is granted. Bruce coaches all of my T-ball games.
Regularly scheduled playdates with the Affleck/Garner brood. (Don’t they all
look so sweet?)

You know what; after I’m born we can just go over all of
this with my lawyer.

I am just so excited to meet the entire Kardashian/Jenner
family. Bible.

XOXO, TBDFeel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.