‘Lactose-Tolerant, Ingerlandish And Not That C**t Ashley’ – The Joe Cole Sales Brochure

Like Michael Owen and Emmanuel Adebayor before him, Liverpool wastrel Joe Cole is now the subject of a glossy brochure – produced by ‘Pool fans desperate to get shot of a player who has contributed the sum total of zip to the cause and who perennially looks like he’s coming off the back of a five-day Calpol and vodka binge…

After sitting through a pitch as convincing as that, how could anyone possibly resist a flutter?