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Cricket success prompts emergency inquiry into crisis in English game

The current run of form of the English test cricket team has forced the England and Wales Cricket Board to launch an emergency inquiry to halt the side’s alarming slide into success. ‘We must act now to restore those values so dear to the English game,’ said Chairman Giles Clarke, ‘such as abject batting, comical fielding, wayward bowling and a culture of pitiful defeat. We need a return to the attitude so splendidly exhibited by our soccer team.’

‘That brand of English cricket was our country’s way of apologising for the empire, and fulfilled the useful humanitarian role of giving the poor Australians something to feel good about, a rare thing for a nation so quiet, shy, humble and self-deprecating.’

‘This distressing habit of winning again and again is really going to have to stop, he concluded. ‘Frankly, it’s just not cricket.’