I am no stranger to internet advertising, hell I’ve been the one millionth viewer of a website almost millions of times and have almost shot all the targets to win an Ipad before being whisked away to another ad many times. I also understand the very basic principle of

Pretty lady + product = PROFIT

However as I was browsing the Huffington Post recently, feeling like a hipster kid who is mad that Arcade Fire are now popular and well known for winning best album of the year Grammy, since HuffPo recently merged with AOL. Things just aren’t real or good to me unless no one else likes/or is aware of it. That is why I only like one man, post polka-punk-indie-core bands who have a limited run of ten prints of their 7 inch EP before breaking up.

I would say that the merge between these two was seamless and unnoticeable until I saw these Ads

they are going to run out if ideas once they have a show with a red headed woman...which wil never happen

so these are DIFFERENT shows?

REALLY

Are these for the same show?? Because it tells you absolutely nothing about why I should watch either of these programs. Nor what they are about at all it is the exact it picture except one has an attractive brunette woman and the other has a blonde woman. So it really comes down to personal preference here; do you prefer to sit alone crying in your darkened apartment while watching a woman with brown hair? Or blonde hair?

The American apparel advertisements are a punch in the face to every single man, reading reviews for albums he already has on pitchfork and sputnikmusic. These are blatantly pornographic. So much so that if someone enters the room while I am on a page with these banners strewn across my browser like a giant flashing neon sign saying “ALMOST NAKED WOMAN, BUY OUR STUFF”. I feel the need to quickly close the window and pretend I was just content staring blankly at my wallpaper.

This needs almost no introduction. Except that I’m sure that both of them could and probably would kick my ass, but who would stop them? They’re just too cute and small, I would gladly hand over my wallet.

this also shows why America is falling behind in the world. Where is their pint sized killing machines? Justin Bieber? I don’t think so. He couldn’t kick his way out of a pair of pants (which i hear is quite easy)

Today an electrician came to my house to repair my oven. Right there, two things I’m awful at. Cooking and being “handy”, I think I am a great engineer when I successfully change the batteries in the television remote or change the month of a calendar…yeah that is about as “handy” as I get. So needless to say when the hot plate would not turn of (a great feature when it is 38 degrees Celsius outside and barely any cooler inside) I panicked and called someone to make it their problem and not mine.

He promptly came over, poked his head INSIDE the oven, which I thought was strange considering that the problem area was the hot plate which is located ON TOP of the oven, although when I informed him of this he did not say anything but merely gave me a look which contained both distain and pity.

He told me what the problem was, but I could not recount it here considering. a) I had no idea what he was saying but looked intently at him as he told me and nodded occasionally while saying “of course” and b) he could have told me oven goblins (or trolls) had wished away the magical unicorn that controls the on and off function in our oven and it would have seemed just as plausible to me.

I gladly paid him for doing a job I could never fathom of completing and showed him to the door. I shut it behind him thinking “glad that was over so fast” but oh how wrong I was. After placing his toolbox into the back of his Ute he proceeded to attempt to start his truck, it would not start. He tried like a real trooper out in the heat for ten minutes before sheepishly returning to the front door to inform me his car would not start, surprisingly I was aware of this fact considering I do live at the house he was loudly trying to start his car at. He told me he had called “A Guy” to help him. I thought this was best because no one I knew would be of much use since most of my friends are Art students and vegetarians. Great company for a Bill Henson Exhibition not so much for fixin’ stuff.

He asked if he could wait inside, of course I said yes. All the while I could not believe the ironic events that had befallen him, an electrician with car troubles. It felt like an episode of the twilight zone. After many minutes of awkward silence I tried to show him the irony of the situation, he did not see it. Irony is a dead scene.

Do not fear, these are not my words, for I have not impregnated some poor poor woman (although that would explain my absence of late…no really its not). This is merely a snippet of a gut busting conversation between two teenage mothers I heard whilst waiting at a train station (where all cultural gems occur) I would have recorded there conversation for posterity and hilarity had the not been twice my size and hence probably able to beat the crap out of me. Instead I’ve decided to share bits and pieces for you to enjoy and me to mock.

Perhaps the best thing about this quote is that it appears this mother was bragging of this feat (or rather in this Childs case a miracle) that she had indeed managed to keep something alive for more than six months. Even Britney Spears managed to keep her children alive, as far as I know. Come to think of it I haven’t see or heard anything about them for sometime in the press, and the BBC news is usually all over Britney’s’ latest escapades…hmmm cover up?

On the counter side of this criticism it would appear as though people had major doubts that she would not be able to sustain her Childs life for more than seven months, she should maybe have a serious rethink of whom she calls friends. These are awful people, or maybe they are her parents. Either way she appears to think she is doing a bang up job. As she backed this up with

“I know single mum’s my age who had there kids taken away”

If this is not the sign of a good parent then I don’t know what is. Mum if you are reading this then I hope you are taking notes, because I think I almost died thrice when I was six months old…it was a crazy age.

Terrible mothers aside, happy New Year and Christmas everyone! How was your Christmas? (Insert response here) that sounds fascinating! And so how was your New Years? (And insert another response here). I’m sorry for my bloggy delay during this past month, but you see I got very sick, then got waaaay too many presents and had to open them. Then it was new Years, and so ridiculously hot. So I was much to sweaty to type something to post, but trust me I said some pretty funny things at the wordpress page, if only it had a dictate function my life would be so much easier.

I also thought I would let you kids know that I will be on holiday for the next week, so there will be few bog posts in the next week, because as far as I know nowhere else has the internet except my house, so it would be near impossible to write anything while i’m away. i know what you are thinking “Finally Aex is taking a break from his over booked schedule, he works much to hard around here”, i hear this and tend to agree.

Soon I will be leaving forever the care free days of my youth and reach my roaring twenties. Where the grass is greener and the action movies have more car chases and gore then ever before. For a while I was scared at the prospect of entering my twenties, then I was excited, then I was hungry, then I had a sandwich, then I was scared again but not hungry (which was the more important and pressing issue).

I’m still a tad apprehensive on the whole issue, I mean what good an possible face me once I leave the supposed best years of my life? So to say a final farewell to my teenage years I decided to make a list of quintessential aspects of the teenage experience I should do.

Number 1: Join the football team, where we are a mismatch bunch of kids who at first appear to have no hence at winning until we make it to the finals. Where the game is tied until the last minute where I score the winning “point” (I’m clearly displaying my lack of knowledge of anything to do with sport)

Number 2: Punch some punk ass kid in the face. Then run away in a cowardly manner

Number 3: miss the deadline for some homework I was meant to have finished weeks ago

Number 4: state that all my teachers are out to get me, hence the failing of things. Even though I don’t try very hard at all

Number 5: Tell my parents to Fuck Off! Then ask to borrow money.

So there you have it, the top five quintessential teenage experiences. I have about four hours to complete them. So I’m guessing most of these will go unfulfilled.

I have been hearing on the radio an increasing amount of pure evil ads for various things. Such as mortgage loans, sounds fair enough right? WRONG! They say in the ad, can’t pay for the sign up fee? Put it on the house! This is just begging for trouble! Or commercials offering loans that state, we don’t care about your Credit history. Please dear god do not give these people a loan or credit card.

Because of this I have thrown my hat into the ring and have begun an advertising campaign or various hot products that I will share with you now

Pants!

Thongs! Fuck you Conventional and Hygienic Footwear

Fringe! Everybody Deserves a contrived personality

Coffee! The Elixir of the Anxious

chairs! Nothing more to say about this one...

Moustaches! Chuck Norris had one, and now you can too!

I have also decided that I will offer to print these onto a t-shirt for the small fee of $10, I can do any colour! (Except pink, because that’s gay…ok even pink) simply email me at Leftinglovechild@gmail.com stating which design you want, what size, colour, your address and PayPal me the money and very soon you be the talk of the town in your ultra sexy Left Wing Love Child shirt.
Warning: Shirts may not cause instant sex appeal, please consult a medical professional is symptoms persist

Also for a very limited time only! The first ten orders will receive this exclusive ticket to heaven!!

I’ve decided that no one wants me to solve there crimes as a free lance detective/super model (unless you do, in which case contact me via leftwinglovechild@gmail.com) due to this apparent lack of demand I have decided to try my hand at television programmer. It’s pretty much the same job except with a higher death count (or so I figure) so I will now share with you some new summer blockbusters that will be the new Jersey Shore (or better…lets hope better)

Hey! I don’t know where I am

This show is all about a group of people who after a freak plane crash (or maybe not so freak considering Quanta’s’ current state, ammirite?) get stranded on an island. Where they must fend for themselves against a monster made of steam. Then the protagonist wakes up and we find out it was all a dream.

Fey’s Anatomical research

This is a show about Fey, a regular girl who works at a regular hospital. Except everyone is super sexy and always hooking up.

Home

This is another medical show, except this is about a doctor whose last name is home. He plays by no one’s rules, except his own. He is jaded at “the man” ever since he lost the use of his leg in ‘nam

Two men and a fat kid

This is a show about two brothers, one of whom s divorce and annoying/pathetic, the other is a jingle writer and has a bunch of sex. The divorced brother also has a son who is spherical.

Family Man

This is a show that reminds me of that one time when I tried riding a unicycle blindfolded with William shatner…good times.

I am quite sure all these shows will be instant hits. Especially considering there is nothing else like them on television, at least as far as I know.

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