One Direction Can Officially Never, And I Mean Never Break Up

Millions of teens and tweens will sleep snugly and soundly in their beds tonight, as we now have a concrete reason why One Direction should never, can never, and will never break up. And don’t worry, it’s not something stupid like dedication or loyalty, it’s MONEYYYY! So we’re all safe.

Apparently the boysies have signed a new contract saying that if one of them leaves the group within the next three years, all five of them suffer financially. Pretty smart, if you ask me. According to an anonymous source, the creation of this contract “means they have a real incentive to tough it out and stick together”. Yeah I mean, dollars and pounds and quids and cents and Euros are all really good reasons.

“The formal length is for 36 months and an album a year — but the clever part is they get the big pay day after the three years. If one of them walks away before then, then all five miss out on the money. They don’t miss out on a few quid either, we are talking millions.”

Well yeah, this is Britain we’re talking about. They already lost out on The Beatlesafter someone let them maintain autonomy and split up whenever they liked, no matter the cost. You can’t have another Yoko Ono like Taylor Swift coming stomping around and causing fights between Harry Styles and the rest of the guys over who has the floppiest hair. Although, luckily, Haylor won’t be a problem anymore. Thanks, teen angst!

Honestly, though, serious props to whoever came up with this contract idea. The guys seem to all like each other now, but they’re still teenagers, mostly…who knows what will come down the road. It’s genius to use their eventual payday to keep them dedicated to each other and still churning up money for the record label. Kudos, greedy record executives. Kudos…