Coming Out: When Love Dares Speak, and Nobody Listen

THE love that dare not speak its name has been speaking up an awful lot lately. So much, in fact, that people are starting not to notice when it happens.

Barely five months into the year, several high-profile people have come out, from Ricky Martin, to the “Will and Grace” star Sean Hayes, to the country music singer Chely Wright. Yet Americans greeted the news largely with a shrug.

In Mr. Martin’s case, the most common reaction in the United States was hardly surprise. Ditto for Mr. Hayes, who played the flighty, foppish Jack McFarland on the hit NBC series and who is now on Broadway in “Promises, Promises.” (More on that later.) For Ms. Wright, who was little known outside of her country music fan base until she came out, the response was most often,
“Who?”

Once seen as a defiant and courageous act of such social and political significance that gay rights activists created a holiday for it and recruited prominent gay people to take part (National Coming Out Day, still observed every Oct. 11), coming out has lost some of its potency.

While few experts on gay issues would dispute the powerful impact that coming out has on a personal, one-on-one level, there is a growing sense that a celebrity coming out sways few hearts and minds and does relatively little to alter negative perceptions about gay people.

“There’s the assumption among gay people that if only this famous person came out, things would be better — and that’s never been the case,” said Eric Marcus, a chronicler of gay social issues, whose books on the subject include “Making History: The Struggle for Gay and Lesbian Equal Rights, 1945-1990.”

Photo

Credit
Brian Stauffer

“The most significant effort any of us can make in moving the ball forward in terms of promoting awareness and acceptance of this issue is for those of us who are gay to come out to those closest to us,” he said. “It isn’t ultimately the celebrity that changes people’s minds, or the politician. It’s the individual, one on one.”

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation conducted a survey in late 2008 that looked at the reasons behind society’s evolving tolerance for gay people. It found that the reason cited most frequently by people who reported having more favorable views — by far — was knowing someone who is gay.

Seventy-nine percent of the survey’s respondents said that knowing someone who is gay contributed to their more positive opinions, compared with 34 percent who said seeing gay characters on television was a factor.

In 1997, when Ellen DeGeneres broke ground and set out on the now-familiar ritual of the celebrity coming out — a series of carefully placed magazine and television interviews that often coincide with the promotion of a product — it was a big deal.

She appeared on the cover of Time under the headline, “Yep, I’m Gay.” The ABC studio where her show was filmed was evacuated because of a bomb threat. The Rev. Jerry Falwell mocked her as “Ellen Degenerate.” At the time, with far fewer public figures comfortable with sharing their sexual orientation, Ms. DeGeneres’s coming out sparked a national discussion in a way that would be surprising today.

The relative indifference Americans have these days about high-profile people coming out appears rooted not only in progressively tolerant views of gay people but in the rather cynical supposition that stars wait to come out until they see a financial benefit, or have little to lose. Mr. Martin is past the prime of his career. Ms. Wright is promoting an album and a new book about her life as a closeted lesbian, and her revelation gives her exposure to a potential fan base outside traditional country audiences.

“With more and more gays and lesbians coming out in middle school and high school, it’s hard not to view coming out post-peak in your career or whenever as cowardly, if not opportunistic,” said Dan Savage, the gay author and editorial director of The Stranger, a Seattle newsweekly, where he writes an advice column called “Savage Love.”

“Now that I have my millions, now that it’s totally safe, now that I can scoop up a few more fans, I will come out,” Mr. Savage added. “Forgive me, but I have much more admiration for those kids coming out in middle school.”

Howard Bragman — the publicist who represents Ms. Wright and has advised other celebrities on coming out, including Meredith Baxter, the
“Family Ties”
actress, and Sheryl Swoopes, the pro basketball star — does not dispute that many of his clients have been motivated by profit. But he said that to confuse their desire to make money with a lack of earnestness about living openly would be unfair and a double standard.

“That doesn’t make someone’s coming out less sincere,” he said. “Celebrities profit all the time from getting married and selling their pictures to magazines and telling their love stories in song and in book. Yeah, we’d like a little piece of the pie, too.”

Mr. Bragman and others who have looked at the response to celebrities’ coming out say that many people who are quick to dismiss these celebrities as opportunists fail to see the impact that they are having in the socially conservative communities they come from — in Ms. Wright’s case, the country music world; and in Mr. Martin’s, Latin America.

The country music star John Rich, of the duo Big & Rich, has publicly apologized for an exchange he had with Ms. Wright, recounted in her new book, in which he responded, “Good, thank God,” after she denied being a lesbian.

In Puerto Rico, the archbishop of San Juan, where Mr. Martin grew up, urged compassion for the singer.

“When it’s one of their own, I think it forces people to take it a little more seriously,” said Jarrett Barrios, president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. “In that way, Chely Wright has the promise of being far more impactful in coming out in red states where people couldn’t give two hoots about Ellen DeGeneres.” The same applies to Mr. Martin in Latin America, he added, noting that the singer enjoys far greater celebrity there than he does in the United States.

But being perceived as gay can still be an issue. In an online review of “Promises, Promises,” the Newsweek columnist Ramin Setoodeh posited that Mr. Hayes was not a credible romantic lead in the show because of his sexual orientation. “Frankly, it’s weird seeing Hayes play straight,” Mr. Setoodeh wrote. “He comes off as wooden and insincere, like he’s trying to hide something, which of course he is.” The column sparked an immediate outcry among gay activists, and an angry response from Mr. Hayes’s co-star, Kristin Chenoweth, and the magazine later tried to make amends by publishing follow-up interviews with, among others, the openly gay screenwriter (and Oscar winner for
“Milk”
) Dustin Lance Black.

Still, in the United States, it appears that short of a truly major celebrity or public figure unexpectedly coming out, the only surefire way one’s sexuality will gain considerable attention these days is if the outing is involuntary, as was the case with Ted Haggard, the disgraced Colorado pastor, or Larry Craig, the former Idaho senator.

“Look at the cases that get attention,” said Mike Rogers, who runs BlogActive, a Web site that tries to force gay politicians out of the closet. “It’s all salaciousness.”

But that might not be bad for the advancement of gay rights, Mr. Rogers said. Though such cases — an arrest for soliciting sex in the men’s room of the Minneapolis airport in Mr. Craig’s case — have an initial ick factor to them, Mr. Rogers said they ultimately undermine anti-gay activists and politicians.

“It does help discredit them,” he said.

Correction: June 20, 2010

A picture credit was omitted on May 23 with an article about the societal effects of celebrities’ announcing that they are gay. The photograph of Eric Marcus, a chronicler of gay social issues, was taken by Dixie Sheridan.

A version of this article appears in print on May 23, 2010, on page ST1 of the New York edition with the headline: When Love Dares Speak, And Nobody Listens. Order Reprints|Today's Paper|Subscribe