Tuesday, February 23, 2016

midnight

it's currently 12:57 am and i'm sitting on my couch with a cup of lavender tea watching hgtv. this has become a nightly event for me. this insomnia is getting old... quick!

so what do i decide to do? actually publish a blog post.

as i sit here watching house hunters and adding multiple ideas to my house wish list, i can't help but notice the sound of rain outside my living room window. it's so peaceful and helps to calm my mind. i've been struggling lately with severe anxiety, and honestly i have no idea where it's coming from. i constantly think to myself "jennifer, you have no reason to be anxious" but no matter how many times i remind myself of that, my anxiety still haunts me.

for those of you who don't struggle with anxiety, it may be difficult for you to understand why some people have such a hard time with it. the only explanation i can give you is it feels like i'm trapped. when i'm having an episode my mind races, my heart starts pounding, and it's hard to take a deep breath. basically the scariest feeling in the world. i don't tell many people about this. for the fear of being judged, but my husband is aware of it, and i must say he is very understanding. i toss and turn for hours at night, and i'm surprised he stays asleep. i will admit that there are some nights i get so aggravated that i purposely wake him up. hey if i can't sleep, i don't want anyone else to either. perfectly acceptable right?

but really though he is so supportive of me ;)

my main anxiety trigger is death. so silly i know, but it's such a strong fear of mine. and not just me dying, but losing people who are close to me. it's something i think about almost daily.

i was on Facebook this evening and read about a sorority sister of mine who passed away last night. i wasn't close to her, but i had met her a couple of times. she was a few years older than me and had already graduated when i started college. she was a wife and mother of 2. she had complications during a difficult surgery and didn't make it. hearing about stuff like this scares me! she was only a few years older than me. that's way too young to be taken from this world. she had her whole life ahead of her. and the thought the kept going thru my mind was that she probably went into that surgery thinking everything was going to be ok. that she was going to come out of it, go thru recovery, and then go on and live her life. unfortunately that didn't happen.

life is so short. so the fact that i spend some of those days living in fear angers me! why can't i just let go and just live my life? i will admit that most days i'm fine. i will go weeks not having any trouble sleeping, and then all of a sudden i hear tragic stories such as the one i mentioned above, and those fears start creeping back into my life. and it's the same routine all over again. head to bed around 11 and start thinking about every little detail of my life. i end up lying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours, and finally get up and turn on my usual hgtv (i'm becoming their biggest supporter here lately)

so that's what led me right here on my couch at 1am rambling to my lovely followers.

so with that being said, please do me a favor. pray for the family of my sorority sister whom i mentioned above. pray for peace and understanding. also say a little prayer for me. pray that i can find relief. pray for my anxiety to ease, and for some much needed sleep. and last but not least, pray for my husband. i'm probably going to wake him up when i go to bed here in a little bit. he may not be happy lol!

4 comments:

I'm so sorry for your loss! It really hurts losing someone you care about, whether that person is a central figure in your life or a friend you haven't seen in awhile. Sending a prayer and good thoughts to you and to the family of your sorority sister. And hugs!

what. a. read. i'll be thinking of you. i know exactly those feelings you described. i think, sometimes, that i am so glad to be aware of the fragile and beautiful nature of life and people but at the same time i wish i didn't let it overcome me.