Cherry Blossoms

Sometimes, there can be such a thing as too much porn. Now, I can already hear the true aficionados of the genre scoffing into their server, saying that only a dork would describe a four hour DVD presentation of intense sex scenes as being overkill. But the truth is that, after about two hours of straight sucking, fucking, rimming, riding and various modes of money shot, the sexual synapses of even the most resilient lover of the ribald may cry Uncle. After witnessing a gross of reverse cowgirl shots and multiple variations on the whole crouching pussy-hidden ball sack dynamic, is there really a need to see a bakers dozen of additional position mutations? Pornography is supposed to function as a "marital" aide, an item to use for entertainment (and engorgement) purposes only. But after about 30 minutes, doesn't the necessity for erotic enhancement end? Is there still a need for 3 and ½ more hours of rote horniness? Cherry Blossoms, one of the latest clipfests from adult industry upstart Cherry Boxxx (gotta wonder why no one has thought of that clever corporate logo before) wants to respond to such ridiculous talk with a resounding "maybe". This fuck film factory pumps out more products per capita than most manufacturers of adult material combined. And it is perhaps this speedy overload mentality that may explain why this compilation-esque title seems so bloated and yet so basic. Unless you've discovered the one spam email ad in the haystack of hawking that actually can increase your endurance and performance, you will easily become overdrawn at the libido bank after watching this endless collection.

The DVD:Cherry Blossoms consists of 15 scenes spread out over a luxurious, languid near four hour running time. Most of the sequences last between 12 and 20 minutes with only a couple clocking in under double digits. There are no credits on this disc, so it is hard to figure out who is doing what to whom. Some of the lovely ladies here are recognizable from other pornographic films, but there are some newcomers (and at least one 'old' stalwart) to add a little of that well-meaning spice known as 'variety' to the mix. We even get a few natural lassies, ladies who've yet to go under the knife to "enhance" their appearance (their paychecks are probably also under inflated as well). The men are mostly interchangeable, overly groomed Blue Boy model types who spend way too much time tanning and exfoliating and not enough hours learning how to penetrate and ejaculate properly. The money shots here are almost all mediocre. It could be because of the way they are filmed (there is a lot of soft focus and fuzzy visuals incorporated throughout) but it could also be because these gents just don't have the chutzpah to produce a decent load of cum. Most of the macho explosions are pathetic and passive, dribbling out in near crystal cola clarity. If you like your sex scenes loaded with jissum, you're not going to find much to celebrate about Cherry Blossoms.

Also, without names or even identities (unless you are such a fan that you can recognize a favorite even with different hair and makeup) the scenes become derivative very quickly. Only a couple offer any "plotline" set up. Everything else feels like "Hey Miss, here's a kiss, let's fuck and suck, I've cum and gone". There is a mix of indoor and outdoor locations and, sadly, one single lesbian encounter, almost an after thought offering for the same sex loving crowd. Stylistically, the encounters are professionally shot and for the most part somewhat softcore. There can be extended periods without witnessing a single shot of penetration or mouth to genital contact. The Spectravision/Spice Channel crossover potential mentality is prevalent but not necessarily welcome. Individually, the scenes we are treated to are as follows (the names given to them are the sole property of the writer. Any use without express permission of the author will be met with swift and furious vengeance. Or just a real sullen glare):

Scene 1: Really Weird Science (20 mins)  an overdressed blond with balloon lips and an even larger set of zeppelin sized breasts, otherwise known as a high school science teacher, is testing a chemical formula which, when ingested, makes you horny as all get out. Apparently having never heard of the aphrodisiac, she celebrates her discovery by porking an ex-student. Our cinema verite wannabe has a camcorder fastened to his wrist, but it's not long before his personal tripod is parting Miss Spanish Fly's fertile face. A long blowjob ensues with additional ball walking. The setup reverses and the young dude dives into the instructor's pierced muff with all the concentration of a late night cram session. When the fucking starts, it's either male standing frontal or doggie. Eventually, after all the camera tricks and slow motion monochrome mischief, our teacher's pet pulls his pud and let's a lame load fly all over her chest. This is a decent scene that probably works well within the course of the film it is from (turns out its a sequence from A Very Naughty Adventure starring Teri Weigel). But separated from its narrative it's just goofy. Teri is voluptuous in a blow-up doll kind of way and the sex turns tepid after a while (even with her voluminous yelps). Sadly, this is probably the best scene in the whole collection. And right up front, too. 5.5/10

Scene 2: Randy Restroom Repast (17 mins)  Welcome to another installment of Fuzzy Torso Theater, the porn presentation that tries to avoid showing the actors in any kind of clear medium or long shot. Indeed, from the moment our couple comes crashing into the bathroom, they are all waist and face. She is a dirty blond with a decent body but a really odd set of enhanced tits. He is a doughy jarhead with a pierced tongue (!). After a BJ and a little boob play, our hero places his fair lady on the lavatory counter and eats her pussy like its free samples at Shoneys. There is some further anal fingering and playful spanking and then the mad mixture of positions begins. They start with some very rough rover, our main man slapping his pelvis into her backdoor stop with aplomb. It's then time for the little lady to saddle up, female cowpoke style. Next, it's back to the blowjob, this time with added ball action. Then we make another visit to the dog pounding. Toss in some standing deep penetration, some pseudo erotic boob play and a segment of mutual masturbation with kissing. When Mr. X is ready to explode, he does all over his woman's waistline. This is a case of the director ruining the action. He has too many setups and awkward close-ups. One act never really plays out before this couple is cranking out the next. 3/10

Scene 3: Bolder Boffing (14 mins)  Here is a chance to marvel at the natural beauty of the great outdoors accented by a naked chick getting her cunt licked. Our hiking booted brother jumps right into this female's fruitful snatch as she grabs the earth around her, awaiting its eminent movement. After a long session of pussy pampering, it's off to give the ole penis a peccadillo or two. Our rock-climbing lass provides her man with a nice oral arrangement. Then the two of them answer the call of the wild and start with the animal noises. After doggie and the backwards saddle sores associated with a certain position, our mons veneris adventurer scales the peaks of passion and gives his paramour a cavernous infiltration of her nether regions. He provides a very mediocre money shot on her stomach. All the while, our fit Miss is screaming like she got her foot caught in a bear trap. While the nature park setting and boulder business really makes the scene stand out, the overall effect here is limp, not electric. 3/10

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Scene 4: Muscle Bitch Party (14 mins)  Perhaps its a sad stereotype, but when one sees a body builder type, they prepare to be unimpressed with their performance in the peter department. Well, the steroid Romeo here actually has a decent sized dick, but it's bent like it's making a left turn against traffic. When a bottle blond with horrendous implants approaches him, he says, "yes" to another excess and its time for the horizontal half nelson. There is oral on behalf of both bodies and our pumped up paramour gives the little lady the missionary moves for a while. She begins to spin like she's on a spit and before you know it, they are engaged in a sideways scissors move with Mr. Universe working his wiener deep inside. Our leading lady climbs on top and after facing her fuck for a while, she turns her back on her beau and rides the range. The stud muffin blows his baloney all over her chest and she taste tests a loving sample between her lips. While the couple involved her are decent enough (the man has that over primed piston body that gets the ladies all liquid in the love canal) the scene itself seems over before it starts. 4/10

Scene 5: Poolhouse Pussyfest (25 mins)  It's an all out oral extravaganza with the parameters of mouth to twat being fully tested. A brutish brunette is sitting poolside. A slick piece of dick saunters by and asks to snack on her sticky buns. She agrees and they head inside. They kiss and then this lower depths Don Juan begins his favorite pastime: cunnilingus. Man does he eat this woman out. He starts with the outside and then moves his tongue inward. When he's done with the vagina, he moves onto the ass. She sits on his face and he rims her from beneath. Then his taste buds enter the butthole buffet and he sates himself. There is also a little toe sucking (apparently after ass, you'll lick anything). But just like every other porn scene created since water was invented, there is a blowjob followed by reverse cowgirl and some doggie. The sperm is deposited on her chest. How original. Basically, these final sentiments showcase the problem with this segment (and this DVD in general). There is no invention here, no attempt at featuring something unique. It's just more of the same old sex positioning. 2.5/10

Scene 6: Snatch Safari (24 mins)  You would think that a scene that lasts almost half an hour and features only 5 positions would make for a full on feature fuck fest. Well, you'd be wrong since this friggin' in the riggin' is just dull. The set up has something to do with a Senator's son and his girlfriend/fiancι/ cum buddy. They are off in some tropical forest tent and they plow through the following quintet without much fire or passion: male oral, female oral, deep penetration and...can you guess out there in cyberspace...come on...take a guess...that's right! Doggie and Reverse Cowgirl. The man chatter is dribbled (and I do mean DRIBBLED) onto the woman's flat chest. Nothing even remotely sensual or passionate here. By the book moves filmed in a dull, lifeless manner. 1.5/10

Scene 7: Parisian Pussy (17 mins)  In an example of the softcore nature of this DVD, the following scene between a loud, aggressive redhead in a maid's outfit and a tattooed pretty boy (Cheyne Collins, perhaps) shows maybe ten shots of actual penetration during the course of its running time. The blowjob, the pussy licking, the standard dog/cow/DP trilogy all offer made for cable carnality. That's about it, really. Nothing even vaguely interesting or arousing. 0/10

Scene 8: Sappho Pool Party (21 mins)  Call this the case of the tenuous tan. Seems our main carpet muncher with the visible surgery lines goes from amber to brown to orange over the course of her lay out by the pool. It's funny to watch as the color varies from setup to sequence. Still, these ladies really les-out in fine form, even tossing in a little dildo drama among the standard same sex acts. After a lot of kissing and boob bongo, it's time to talk twat. There is licking. There is sticking. There is full out frenching. The toys then get their moment in the cuntlight as they explore the orifices with skill. A final act of pussy CPR even introduces that forgotten factor in most porn  the vibrator  back into the fray. The ladies finish their frolic in the pool and we linger over the multi-colored maiden who worships the sun as the scene fades out. While these "blossoms" are not very "cherry", they still put on one Hell of a humping. This is a good scene, filled with fire and the overheated warmth of the sun. 5/10

Scene 9: Operation Desert Dick (9 mins)  At which point this reviewer officially become sick of reverse cowgirl. Can't porn directors, with the technology we have available to us now, figure out a way to show cock sliding in and out of a pussy without taking the non-existent invisible man full frontal approach? Why not simply fashion a false pelvis, huge motorized dick and realistic detail, load it up with servos and gears and let the ladies have at it. There would be no need for the poor nude dude at all. As for the rest of the scene, it starts near a stonewall. The couple is in military attire. There is oral sex on both sides and some regular sex. But it's the Ponderosa pounding that really gets to be a drag. Another miss on the Cherry Blossoms slowly disintegrating parade of hits. 1/10

Scene 10: More Weird Science (10 mins)  Our nutty professoress fucks another student, this time a compact Cro-Magnon with a spare tire tummy. Thankfully, we get some fun foreplay and a nice session of tit pumping before we hit the standard sequences. Miss Weigel really sells these scenes, maybe a little too much. But she is at least animated. Her lover here is a slab of beef with a little too much suet along the sides. He goes about his deep penetration and mandatory bow-wow with pedestrian professionalism. Again, within the context of the original movie this may have been fun. But here it's just a retread of something we've seen before. 2.5/10

Scene 11: Bedroom Romp (13 mins)  Hardcore porn without the money shot is a lot like Hamlet without the famous speeches. It's heresy. It's Un-American. And it's in evidence right here. For 12 minutes and 50 seconds we wait for this boudoir bozo to finish making pussy puppets and drop his dime all over the lounging lady. But it (and he) never comes. There are lots of jumps cuts, which absolutely ruin the flow of the scene and even with all the variation, our craven Casanova still can't deliver the drama juice. Yet the scene has its up sides. There is a sequence of fake tit fucking that is fun and our clogged up clod gets a chance to squat on the lady's lips for once, pushing his plugged up peter deep into her throat. But the rest of the hardcore histrionics, the deep plowing and legs spread scissors are apparently all for naught. Our zero hero can't frost the cream horn. Some may find the buildup to the blow exciting. But without the cum closer, its a lot like the Super Bowl without Janet Jackson's nipple shield. 1/10

Scene 12: Carnal Camping Trip (17 mins)  A perfectly preppy couple (how nostalgic) decide that the best way they can get in touch with the great outdoors is to screw the living shit out of each other. There is a long sequence of slow, sensual foreplay and then its time to put on nature's regulation issue outerwear. When our participants are au natural, they begin to enjoy each other's wetlands and national monuments. He chews along her field of rippling wheat and explores her caves with equal finger abandon. She returns the gesture by bathing his grand monolith monument with her tongue. Next, its time to call in the dogs as the couple approximates a schnauzer and a poodle. She rides his range all the way home and he even gets a chance to plunge between her purple mountain's majesty. He adds some of his personal "snow" to the tops of her white peaks. Not too bad of a scene. The couple seems to get off on each other and enjoy the act. The man is definitely in charge and the woman's submissive act is enticing. Not a total erotic experience but still better than most of the stuff here. 3/10

Scene 13: Oral Office Memo (13 mins)  This scene is going to get a very high rating. It surpasses expectations even as it offers some very routine sexual congress. The reason for the leniency is very clear: there is not a single shot of doggie or reverse cowgirl to be found throughout. YEAH! The guy involved here is one of those late bloomer gym junkies who thinks that they can repair the damage of 30 years of excess by doing a few bench presses each week. His puffy, quasi-pumped physique makes him look like a beach bum. The brunette preparing to service him has a hard look about her. Maybe she drew the short straw to play the scene. Our stud boy sits in his chair as the underling licks his underthing. This blowjob has a great deal of deep throating with it and as she sucks, Mr. Small Arms tries to reach around and spank that ass. He gets more of a chance when he eats her out. Then there is an office chair session of female superior. Next our squat thruster jumps on top, positions the pussy and drops deep to give it 50. He produces a mere pittance of prick liquid and the scene fades out. Without the compilation complications, the scene would merely merit a 3. But since the calves and the doggies are out of the picture, we'll bump it up to a 5/10.

Scene 14: Extreme Pleasures Guide Company (16 mins)  It has been said before but it bears repeating: Evan Stone looks like Kid Rock crossed with an inflatable pig's bladder. His longhaired hippy barrel body just screams for some manner of physical training. But his penis proves that all porn stars are judged by their equipment, not the packaging it comes in. This clip from the "tail" end of Extreme Pleasures features Ava Vincent as Stone's sweetie and the two get it on quite nicely. After some unnecessary dialogue (which could have been cut out for this DVD) the couple starts to copulate in the cabin/office setting. Evan drops Ava onto the desk and eats her out. She makes a beeline for his beef and blows it long and hard. Evan places her back on the blotter and really gives her pussy a good reaming. She has to get on all fours and take it from behind, momentarily breaking the spell of good will. But then Evan makes like a paperweight and takes her place on the workspace. Ava climbs on top and "dictates" to him. He eventually uncorks all over her stomach. This scene suffers from too much talk and not enough action. The first five minutes are spent wrapping up a plot we know nothing about, so it's pointless. And the action is poorly filmed. Too much soft focus foolishness and not enough good old fashioned fucking, but it works. 4/10

Scene 15: Beach Blanket Buttfuck (15 mins)  Saving the near worst for last, this poorly shot, awfully transferred sequence screams low-budget blundering. The image flares and bleeds with bad video processing and the use of multiple dissolves is not arty but just plain farty. The fairly familiar couple begins with a visit from Connie and her linguist friends who also like to visit the Professor Sphincter. There is a lot of chest and chestnuts play and when the gal goes for the gonzo glory, she really rams a rod, orally speaking. Finally she takes a seat and shuttles the shaft in and out. Then she makes like a mongrel and accepts her fellow fleabags business. This entire penetration program is filmed in extreme, color crazy close-up. Our main man moves to the top and butterflies the babe until he is ready to rip. Then she gets a guy gravy shower all over the face and mouth. Though are duo is fairly dynamic, really going all out, the bad direction and even worse cinematography destroy this scene. It turns something tantalizing into a turd. 1/10

Goddamn is there just too much fucking porn here. Too stinking much. After about the one-hour mark, anyone would be ready to call it a done dick day. This is not to say that the action would be doing its "job", but it is this critic's opinion that there is only so much non-stop sexcapades that one can sit straight through. If you are planning to add this, or any other Cherry Boxxx title to your collection, it would perhaps be well advised for you to consider it like a greatest hits album purchase by a band you don't really care for. You're never going to listen to the whole thing from beginning to end and only a couple of songs will really stir your passions. Then again, there may be many of you out there who don't mind your porn folded, spindled, mutilated, pressed, processed and packaged like cheap clipart of carnality. For you, this is just the inexpensive taste of the tawdry you are looking for. If you don't want plot or passion muddying up your pussy, then by all means give this and other Cherry Boxxx titles a spin. But be warned. Size may matter in the sack or in the crack, but it doesn't always guarantee a good time here.

The Video:
To put it bluntly, this shit looks terrible. At least 50% of the content has a 2nd or 3rd generation feel to it, as if it was dubbed from something equally inferior and tossed onto DVD. Everything is presented full screen and the 1.33:1 image is soft, out of focus, indistinct and occasionally unacceptable. Maybe because it's a mix of film and video elements, this can be forgiven. But if you want to understand the "dump it all" mentality behind this adult content provider, the crappy looking content here is a perfect example of their moldy modus operandi.

The Audio:
Again, nothing new or interesting. This is not state of the art or the worst you've ever heard. The level of professionalism in each scene is directly proportional to how these sequences sound. Our nymphomaniac chemist is aurally intact. But a couple of the more minor scenes have little or no sonic spin. At least the standby miscreant muzak is ever present to remind you that this is supposed to be a hardcore title, sporadic penetration shots aside.

The Extras:
In one of the few instances where you'll hear this critic cry "HURRAY" for a lack of bonus content, the big ripe Boxxx has nothing to offer in the way of extras. There are a few still shots from some of the scenes and the usual corporate and website info. But we are not treated to a behind-the-scenes featurette or the standard extension of extra scenes. Gratefully, the near four hours of porn is considered enough by the company to deny additional footage and after sitting through it, you'll heartily agree.

Final Thoughts:
The Dirge knows he is being WAY too hard on this DVD, but porn is not only based in the biological but the psychological as well. To understand how Cherry Blossoms affected him (and why it gets a paltry 2.5/10 on Disco's Peter Meter) here is an anecdote from the distant past. In the 80s, when the Dirgemeister was working the pop culture circuit for all its worth, he loved A Flock of Seagulls. As luck would have it, he scored tickets to a show and counted the days until the concert. As he entered the arena, he was incredibly excited. When the band finally took the stage, they started into a favorite song, "Wishing" (I Had a Photograph of You) and immediately, he was hit by something. The music was loud. Mega-loud. HELLA LOUD. SUPERNATURALLYLOUD. Determined to see his fave raves all the way through to the end, old Dirgy sat through the show and got more and more angry. The sheer sonic volume overwhelmed him and soured him on the entire concert experience. He/I had the same reaction sitting through Cherry Blossoms in one continuous viewing. Perhaps enjoyed in tidbits, or smidgens, this DVD will make your willie warble and your juices flow. Couples could conceivably get into it so a Cohabitation Certification is reluctantly awarded. But if there is such a thing as porno OD, Cherry Boxxx intends to play the role of pussy pusher to the hilt.