Building Patience

In the land of infertility, “Patience” means getting through the two week wait after your procedure until you know whether or not you’re pregnant. Then it means waiting a week for your scan and waiting a week for…..well, you get the idea. There are lots of tiny milestones all of which make you hold your breath until you hit (and hopefully overcome) the next one.

In the land of adoption, “Patience” is measured in years. And you can’t spend years holding your breath so what do you do?

Our dossier was sent to our agency almost 2 weeks ago. Our check was cashed, our credit card charged. Our agency wrote to let us know it was (1) received and (2) okay. Yesterday we heard it was in Bulgaria! Our Fedex account hasn’t been charged though (and as much as I hope that was a lucky oversite on the part of our agency, no one is really that lucky).

Currently, unless there is some spring break or holiday going on, I’d imagine that our million pieces of paper are being be translated into Bulgarian. Although I can’t read Bulgarian, this intrigues me. I wonder if it will end up like some of those foreign signs where the English is fractured and turned into something that means something else completely. I’d like to see how some of the more subtle or funny parts of our home study end up reading in another language.

That process, by the way, is meant to take 2-4 weeks.

The translated documents are then sent to the Ministry of Justice, approved and filed. THAT process is meant to take about 2 months IF nothing is remiss, expired, or needs clarification.

So in a perfect world we’re looking at mid-June for being on roles. OVER A YEAR from the time we began this process.

And then….well who knows. We wait for a referral or we request to be considered for one of the kids whose info is sent to us by the agency (usually these children are “at risk” in some way – aging out of the younger orphanages, in need of medical interventions, or desperately in need of a family to get them the help they need ASAP).

A fairly limited number of people actually know about our plans to adopt. My closest friends, family, and co-workers all know. Hubby’s sister and a few co-workers (we won’t tell the rest of his family until we see them this fall) know. But I do get the occasional question from a friend or co-worker I haven’t spoken to in a while. And so I tell them where we are and inevitably the response is something akin to “The time will fly”.

Of that, I actually have no doubt. I’m going to be on the edge of my seat until I hear that we’re actually registered in Bulgaria and then….it’s hard to explain to people and perhaps I’m even wrong but….I think I’ll be okay. Most of the people I know in real life and follow in blogland have kids. That goes for the families who are adopting as well. In fact, I don’t think I’ve found a single family adopting internationally who have no children already (if you know of any blogs that fit this PLEASE let me know!).

I’ve actually asked our agency to put us in touch with other families just so that we have some sort of community to go through this process with.

So OF COURSE we’re excited about all of this and most people seem to “get” that.

The other side of the coin is harder to explain to people. Hubby and I are working hard to get completely out of debt before the referral. Whether that happens or not we should come close without sacrificing too many sushi dinners. We’re also planning a trip overseas to see his family later this year. We have a few trips in mind that we consider child-unfriendly (either places where our days are filled with (1) music in dark, often smokey bars, alcohol, the occasional fine dining experience, and late nights or (2) you can’t drink the water, there is no plumbing to speak of, and you’re likely to get woken by crazed wildlife in the middle of the night) that we might or might not get to take while still paying down the debt and making IRS happy.

And at 44, speaking just for myself here – regardless of how excited (and that’s a lot) I am to be a mother I’m also scared out of my mind having not even babysat since I was in high school. After all, through all of my infertile years I avoided most children like the plague.

I have reading to do, and planning. And like most plans, I’m sure we’ll be surprised one way or other by the timing of our referral or the child or where we’re living or…..’cause that always happens. (Speaking of which if there IS one thing I’m increasingly impatient about it’s to move out of this state but that’s a post for another day).

But for an impatient person I’m learning that I can choose what to be impatient about. I’m trying to treasure this time that hubby and I have together when the biggest non-work responsibility we have is walking the dog. That will change and we’ll rise to the occasion and probably love most of it. But I’m really okay with where we are now.

Responses

Things are better when you are registered, but I will say that you find yourself wondering what to do sometimes at night after you have spent the past 4 months working on the dossier. I know you mentioned that you were looking for people that do not have children, there are a few families on my blog that do not have kids (laughing all the way and getting zoey) Both live in NC and I have had the pleasure of meeting one of the couples. I know it is a different wait for you but I am scared to be the mom of child that I know will have to be parented different than my current 3 kids. So we do have that in common. I dream about those vacations you describe and believe me the wait is really hard when I see everyday what love, nourishment, and support to do a child’s development. Thanks for sharing you thoughts!!

I just discovered your blog. We are adopting from Bulgaria as well, and just got our FBI approval today after waiting 11 1/2 weeks. You are not the only one about to lose their mind waiting to get in country! My agency assures me things will be moving much faster now, I sure hope so.