Thursday, February 09, 2017

Synopsis 57

Seventeen-year-old ANDREA SMITH is smart and sophisticated. She has a wonderful and supportive family. She has a boyfriend named TONY. She hangs out with the most popular, coolest, and the wealthier crowd at Riverdale Heights High School. Some of her closest friends decide to play a prank on the school's biggest nerd CODY by getting one of the female friends to pretend to be his girlfriend. But it isn't a secret for too long because the whole school learns about it. [You never said it was a secret to begin with.] [The whole school including Cody?]

Including Cody's sister SHANNON who became a new friend of Andrea's before the prank and Shannon's boyfriend FREDDIE. [That sentence should be in the same paragraph as the previous sentence.] Cody accidentally gets into a fight with the girl after she publicly breaks up with him at a rambunctious party one night. [You said the whole school knew about the prank including Cody's sister Shannon, so I assume Shannon would tell Cody, and the lovebirds would be broken up before this party.] She pushes him and he slips on the concrete, hits his head and dies. Andrea and the others panic big time by covering up the crime and lying to the police. Then the friends decide to take an oath by burying[to bury] the truth.

Andrea feels guilty but Tony and the rest of her friends could care less unless they get caught. Andrea begins to distant [distance] herself from her friends. Tony is showing less affection toward her and this causes her to look elsewhere. At a gathering one night, Andrea meets an older college guy name LEE. She becomes drawn into this new relationship with Lee after she abruptly breaks up with Tony. Tony learns about their relationship after gossip about it spreads around school. Tony starts to taunt the two and decides he wants Andrea back no matter the cost.

Andrea decides not to get back together with Tony. She discovers Lee is a mysterious individual that [who] carries many dark secrets. Andrea and her friends began [begin] receiving threats, a dead animal corpse in a mailbox, blood in a bed, followed by a shooting that sends them over the edge. Soon, they realize that someone else must have witnessed the crime [The "crime" occurred at a rambunctious party. There are probably a dozen witnesses] and was [is] planning revenge. In the news, everybody learns of a killer roaming around.

They believe that maybe this killer is connected some kind of way after an individual claiming to be the killer taunts Andrea online. Two of her friends disappear without a trace and is [are] later found dead. Andrea and her friends soon realize that this killer is stalking [them] and later starts killing them one by one. They can't turn to the police because [they took an oath.] the police don't believe them. [Four people who were involved in Cody's death have been killed, but the police don't believe there's a connection?] So they are left to fend for themselves. Andrea finds out that instead of one killer, there are two killers.

She learns that Shannon and Freddie have teamed up to avenge Cody's death and they murder the rest of her friends.Andrea escapes and calls the cops.

[Andrea: Ten of us were present when Cody died, and so far nine of us have been murdered.Police: Probably a coincidence, but if you get murdered too, I may rethink that.]
Shannon and Freddie catch up to her and trapped her. Shannon tells Andrea everything that she and Freddie did. Shannon turns on Freddie and shoots him in the heart, killing him instantly. [Why?] The cops arrive and see Shannon pointing the pistol toward Andrea. They yell at her to drop the pistol, but she is oblivious to them. Not wanting to suffer a life confinement in prison or get the death penalty, Shannon turns the pistol on herself.

A month passes[period], Andrea's new boyfriend Lee drives up to her house to see her after weeks of her avoiding him. He wants Andrea to rekindle their romance they once shared. Andrea reveal[s] to him that she wants him to give her space for now because she wanted [wants] time to ponder her life and commit to celibacy. He sadly acknowledges her choice and leaves. A friend calls her cell phone[period], she turns down a request to go out and have fun. Andrea begins to daydream as she watches the clouds in the sky. [You can do without this paragraph.]Notes

Lots of errors, mostly switching tenses.

The police and the kids all seem pretty stupid. Cody slipped on the concrete. His death was an accident. Now all these kids are covering up the "crime" of pushing Cody, which was committed by only one person, and two other kids are committing numerous premeditated murders. I'm sure someone in the book is the voice of reason at some point, preferably your main character, so make that clear in the synopsis.

12 comments:

The number of errors and awkward word choices in the query would probably mean rejection on its own. At the least, you will need to go over the manuscript carefully and check for similar problems. At the most, you might need to take some time to hone your writing skills before submitting your work to agents and publishers.

The first two sentences can go. Andrea's wonderful supportive family, he sophistication, and her intelligence don't seem to have any bearing on the story, so you don't need to mention them.

"Riverdale" is the name of the town in the Archie comics and a current TV show based on them. Consider changing it.

Tony and the rest of her friends *couldn't* care less. If they could care less, that means they care in some amount.

The whole Tony and Lee storyline doesn't seem to have much of a payoff or a clear connection to the main plot. I'd emphasize Andrea's discomfort with how little Tony seems to care about what happened to Cody as the main reason for their growing apart and eventually breaking up rather than Tony being less affectionate towards Andrea. Saying that Tony decides he wants Andrea back no matter the cost makes it sound like he is going to do something ill advised to try to win her affections. But he just disappears from the story. Wanting Andrea back doesn't give him a motive to possibly be the killer, so it doesn't add to your list of suspects. Lee's "dark secrets" also don't seem relevant to the story. Andrea learns about them, and then nothing happens.

Who is shot? Is it fatal?

You use the phrase "some kind of way" in both the synopsis and the query. It strikes me as awkward and not needed.

Are the girls speculating that the killer (who was killed?) and the person threatening them are connected, or possibly the same person? It isn't clear.

My biggest issue with the story is that Andrea never seems to go from being a passive protagonist to an active one. She figure out that there are two killers and learns who they are, but we don;t know whether it's because she was smart and followed clues or she just stumbled onto the crucial facts. She survives not because of anything she does, but because one of the killers inexplicably shoots her partner and then herself. This, combined with Andrea's refusal to go to the cops, makes it hard to feel invested in what happens to her.

In addition to not being necessary, the last paragraph doesn't have much to do with the rest of the story. Andrea survives, and her takeaway from the experience is that she should be celebrate and not go out to have fun? I'd understand if she felt she didn't deserve the happiness of having a boyfriend or a social life after failing to reveal what she knew about Cody's death. But the last sentence has her enjoying daydreams rather than dealing with her guilt.

Yes, but he thinks the relationship is real, he doesn’t know that it is a prank.

[That sentence should be in the same paragraph as the previous sentence.]

Got it.

[You said the whole school knew about the prank including Cody's sister Shannon, so I assume Shannon would tell Cody, and the lovebirds would be broken up before this party.]

Everybody knows about the relationship. They are surprised that a popular girl will go out with him but they assume it’s real.

[The "crime" occurred at a rambunctious party. There are probably a dozen witnesses]

Only Andrea and her friends are there. (Of course, the killers witness the crime too, but the friends didn’t know this at the time.)

[Four people who were involved in Cody's death have been killed, but the police don't believe there's a connection?]

Yes, the police are investigating and they believe there is a connection. They become suspicious when the deaths take place. They are looking at the kids and other potential suspects. (They didn’t have enough evidence at the time, but they interrogate the kids later on.) They are also receiving all types of prank calls and false leads too.

[Andrea: Ten of us were present when Cody died, and so far nine of us have been murdered.

Police: Probably a coincidence, but if you get murdered too, I may rethink that.]

Lol Like I mentioned before, the police are investigating and they had their suspicions at the time, but they are trying to gather evidence to catch the killer or killers. The killers had been calling the cops (pranks) too. When Andrea called the cops, they come to investigate after hearing gunshots in the background.

Shannon and Freddie catch up to her and trapped her. Shannon tells Andrea everything that she and Freddie did. Shannon turns on Freddie and shoots him in the heart, killing him instantly. [Why?]

Shannon killed Freddie to get him out of the way. She had planned to get rid of everybody, but he did not know that.

[You can do without this paragraph.]

Got it. I only added it because I thought you had to tell the whole plot in a synopsis. This interaction represented closure for Andrea and Lee.

(Lots of errors, mostly switching tenses.)

I am working on this.

(The police and the kids all seem pretty stupid. Cody slipped on the concrete. His death was an accident. Now all these kids are covering up the "crime" of pushing Cody, which was committed by only one person, and two other kids are committing numerous premeditated murders. I'm sure someone in the book is the voice of reason at some point, preferably your main character, so make that clear in the synopsis.)

Yes, Andrea is the voice of reason. The kids may seem stupid, but they are also selfish and they don’t want to get in trouble and have their reputations jeopardize. They think that Cody’s death will look bad for them. The police are only trying to investigate what is going on. They are getting bombarded with numerous prank calls and has a long list of suspects. They are following all types of leads.

I second EE on the issues with the characters behaving unrealistically. I would work on fixing that in the synopsis, even if it means you have to go back and make some changes to the actual novel. Yes, it stinks to revise a manuscript you thought was finished, but it will be stronger for it.

On a smaller note, the part about Lee's dark secrets could probably get cut. It may be important in the novel, but it doesn't do anything for the synopsis.

Evil Editor's comments and questions are meant to suggest what an agent or editor might think while reading your query. No need to provide EE with answers; just address those issues you agree need to be addressed and ignore the others.

What if Cody's death wasn't really an accident? What if the Mean Girls Club thought it would be fun to show how powerful they are within their group, and coerce someone to make sure he's dead? And here's a real twist--Shannon secretly had a crush on Cody, and that's why she's out for vengeance?

I would assume the threats, dead animal, and blood in the bed type stuff were reported to the police before people made the connection with the killing, so a lot of what follows stops making sense with their reactions. I hope you've gotten insight from actual police as to how law enforcement would act in a situation like this. You can fudge things a bit with corruption, but having them act completely wrong makes the plot look contrived.

I'm currently doing that now. It's not ready for publication yet, that's why I submitted it for a critique. I'm not an expert, still in school, and learning new things every day.

Actually, the school is called Riverdale Heights High School. A lot of places have the same name. It's not the name of the novel, only the name of the school.

Also Tony and Lee are recurring characters throughout the novel--and they have big roles in the plot.

(My biggest issue with the story is that Andrea never seems to go from being a passive protagonist to an active one.)

Andrea starts off as a passive protagonist but grows to an active one.

(She figure out that there are two killers and learns who they are, but we don;t know whether it's because she was smart and followed clues or she just stumbled onto the crucial facts.)

Both.

(She survives not because of anything she does, but because one of the killers inexplicably shoots her partner and then herself.)

She survives because of the actions she takes and the police coming to her rescue. Also, the killer showed sympathy for her at the end too. Shannon killed her partner to get him out of the way.

(This, combined with Andrea's refusal to go to the cops, makes it hard to feel invested in what happens to her.)

Andrea calls and goes to the police quite a few times. (This happens later on in the story)

Andrea deals with her guilt at the end of the story. She is not enjoying daydreams. She is pondering about her life, friends, etc.

-- InevitablePlotTwist:

Not all of the characters are behaving unrealistically. Most of them act the way normal people would--they way rich, powerful, spoiled people that think they can get away with anything and refuses to be caught up in any controversy--would.

Anonymous said...

(I would assume the threats, dead animal, and blood in the bed type stuff were reported to the police before people made the connection with the killing)

Yes, that's right.

(so a lot of what follows stops making sense with their reactions.)

Only a few. Most of the characters did what people of their circumstances would do.

(I hope you've gotten insight from actual police as to how law enforcement would act in a situation like this. You can fudge things a bit with corruption, but having them act completely wrong makes the plot look contrived.)

I agree with that. The novel is focused on Andrea and her friends. The police angle is a small part of the story but the police acted right in the circumstances.

The problem is, all the reasons you are now supplying aren't coming through in the synopsis. You need to rephrase/restructure so they do come through. You won't get a chance to explain to an agent or editor, you either get silence or 'not right for me'

My favorite books to sneak past my mom and read when I was a teen were R.L. Stine's Fear Street. I like your story, but maybe you could add a paranormal element. I'd work out the grammar and plot fails, and rethink it. Make it feel weirder and more dangerous.

You could make this sexier by having Cody get killed by falling off a fancy canopy bed and die just as he's about to make love to his new "girlfriend". That solves the witnesses to his murder problem.