Just another polar bear adrift in the sea

When I first started this blog I swore to myself that it would be the authentic me but not an obnoxious me. To this end I made a small, personal promise that I would not spend my time with all of you talking about every morsel of food that passes between my lips, nor my occasional obsession with my weight. My biggest objection to the “see what I ate today” posts or the “let’s spend every day talking about my struggles with weight” is that it sets a dangerous tone. I am pro-body acceptance although even there I struggle with reminding myself just how fabulous I am as is.

Today I am going to talk a little about what has been going on. Hopefully not in a “ahhhhh I am soooooo fat” way. Because I am not and even if I was so the fuck what. More in a “trying to stay body positive while your number one symptom of a system gone wrong is weight gain leads to some difficult, desperate moments” kind of way.

Between the health issues, a less than active winter and genetics better suited for the life of an Eastern European peasant my weight has been steadily creeping up these last 4 months or so until I hit that 200 lb. barrier two weeks ago which was the straw that finally made me face reality. (yep.. total mixed metaphor. Deal with it) The reason it freaks me out has more to do with health than appearance. I look pretty damn good when I want thank you very much. In my family we have a high risk of both diabetes (or “the sugar) and heart disease (or the heart attck of death). Besides eating healthy the best way to prevent either of those things from killing me before I can get all my work done in this life is to keep my weight in check and excercise. Both of which are currently at epic failture levels here. So after screaming at the scale for being an outright lying bastard I decided it was time to start walking my talk.

Here is the roadblock. I don’t want to have an advisarial relationship with food. Nothing is more frustrating to me than having to plan, work around and eliminate food. It’s too constraining and my brain simply rebels against the rigidity of a diet as soon as I start thinking about it. It has to be much more free form. Making good decisions about food (let’s have a peach instead of a cookie) works far better for my fight the power brain.

So occasionally I will check in with updates “eating more veggies” or “yoga is my friend” but I would rather talk about the wider world and not so much how many eggs I eat a week.

Like this:

So, my plans to start eating better and getting in shape have gone the way of all the plans before them. Nowhere. I need some serious motivation and help kids. No lectures. No finger pointing, just actual support and help. How do I start? How do I keep motivated? How do I put myself before everything else on my schedule?