choosing sobriety

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I am (now) 53 (!) and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13 and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way. At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I needed to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

April 2018

Another massive step forward. I have reached out to my friends, admitted I have been struggling – I have also attended AA. This has been a very positive decision for me, as the isolation was becoming crippling, painful and destructive. I hope that I will continue to grow now, using the resources available to me, and that a new and better phase of my life is properly underway

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now there’s a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last months and years via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

I have had a major ‘thought’ / realisation in the last few days. ‘Perfectionism’ doesn’t mean that you are , or even think you can be, perfect. It means you beat yourself up when you are NOT perfect. Which given that no-one is perfect, you can always do better, and the range of tasks and … Continue reading →

This morning a patient lost his cool with me. He told me to ‘Fuck off ‘ that he was going to “finish me off” and that I was a “cunt”. (My apologies for the language) he came at me angrily – he is about 5’11” and I am not that large … I hate violence … Continue reading →

Its several months since I last wrote, but I felt this morning that I could post, to wish everyone a peaceful holiday and to say thank you for all the support I have received via this blog. I haven’t posted much, partly because I seemed to lose the gift for expressing myself in words, partly … Continue reading →

The last few weeks have been very hard. I’ve lost my ability to write, to capture my thoughts and translate them into words. I have literally sat looking at the blog screen sometimes, and been unable to frame a single sentence. A kind of writers block, odd… I feel better having made a decision. We … Continue reading →

This is the letter I wrote to my second son today. I have not been blogging because I could not bear to write about how awful things have been at home recently, but I feel that my dear friend K’s suggestion to write to my son has unblocked something, and I now feel I have … Continue reading →

In the last couple of weeks, as my step work has progressed, I have been introduced to this ‘personal craziness index’. This can be found in the book above that I have been working through. Essentially it distills the character defects, painfully worked out through my step 4 inventories, identifies (lots of) behaviours that arise … Continue reading →

It’s the fourth morning that son 1 has been exiled. Sons 2 and 3 and I have been busy, the Den has been cleaned and rearranged so that Son 2 can have his band practice in there, and son3 can use the running machine and gym equipment. Now that it’s no longer a health hazard, … Continue reading →

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