Finally, an explanation for Tom Cruise's relationship with Katie Holmes: He is using her for her makeup. The National Enquirer says Tom is dealing with a "major midlife crisis" by "slather[ing] on" Katie's foundation and mascara. (Are we really to believe Tom doesn't have makeup of his own?) He also partakes in Katie's $320 face cream (probably a reference to Creme de la Mer, which retails at a rate of $14.50 per ounce) because he's not Tom Cruise if he isn't getting facials behind his wife's back. Instead of running this under the banner "First to Know," the Enquirer should have gone with "Last to Know." [National Enquirer, top image via Getty]

Anne Hathaway successfully combined the two things everyone keeps asking her about—being naked and hosting the Oscars—into one quote: "Hosting the Oscars is like doing SNL naked." Now she can die and go to Hollywood heaven. [E!]

Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift's romantic tour of the coffee houses of the world continues, this time at Nashville's Frothy Monkey. Coincidentally, that is also the name of John Travolta's favorite place for a third date. [TMZ]

Speaking of gay-seeming things: Jim Carrey says kissing Ewan McGregor for I Love You Phillip Morris was "a dream come true. I mean, look at the guy." Getting a pretend prison BJ from him (NSFW video here) was a unicorn prancing over a rainbow while hitched to Santa's sleigh. [Us]

Gwyneth Paltrow has a filthy sense of humor, and told dirty jokes while filming Country Strong, according to Leighton Meester, who was happy just to have her name in a headline next to Gwyneth's. [Us]

Kim Kardashian took a break from Halle Berry's sloppy seconds to cheer for New Jersey Nets star Kris Humphries' game. There's a reference to "dating," but can it be a date if he was technically at work? Apparently Kris' siblings are named Krystal and Kaela, so it's kind of a match made in heaven Kingdom Kome. [P6]

OMG Brad Pitt has NOSE HAIRS. They were HANGING out of his nostrils on the RED CARPET!!! Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that women poop and Cher was not created on a Petri dish at a laboratory for perfection. [TMZ]

Pregnant Mariah Carey's cravings: "I'm just about fruit." I always imagined Mariah's instinctual desires being more along the liens of gold-leafed diamond-studded truffles. [People]

Chelsea Handler on vacationing with Jennifer Aniston: "I was trying not to get photographed next to her in a bathing suit, for obvious reasons." Chelsea Handler on her rumored relationship with 50 Cent: "I call him Curtis when we're having sex." [Us]

Kate Gosselin says her kids' school did notexpel them, but gently let them go because school officials "did not feel like they could meet their needs." Apparently Collin and Alexis Gosselin are "struggling the most" with anger issues. Kate blames the divorce. [People]

When Liza Minnelli rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, she had to stand on a box because she was too short to see over the edge of the podium. How did this not come up when Snooki was there? [P6]