Stonk

Stonk is the enforcer of the Death Monster Super Squad, and the first line of offence against panty-pissing superheroes.

A sweet boy, born and raised in Bonnie Doon, he was the runt of the litter, and suffered from a rare glandular condition which made him sweat profusely from his eyeballs. Nicknamed ‘cry baby stinky bum face’ (the children of Bonnie Doon aren’t known for their creativity), he swore one day he would have his revenge. On the day of his 18th birthday, he packed a handkerchief around a stick, said goodbye to his loving parents Ken and Pamela, breathed in the serenity one last time, and enrolled in the ‘Dolf Lundgren less talkie-talkie more killie-killie Program’ in Russia.

After a 32 second montage Stonk finished the program, and returned home weighing 2000 tonne, standing over 4 stories tall, and looking like a condom full of walnuts. Vengeance was swift and uncompromising, as he stumbled upon his childhood bullies out the back of a Macca’s carpark. He crushed their skulls into a fine powder, and made cordial from their bones, selling it on the corner for 5c a cup. He made a killing.

Stonk isn’t the sharpest crayon in the shed, but what he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity. From time to time he still suffers from his glandular condition, but the one advantage is that he can watch the ending of ‘The Notebook’ without being judged. With an unquenchable thirst for mayhem, destruction and Ovaltine, Stonk is the bringer of doom, the maker of widows, and the big gun of the squad. When the gloves come off and shit hits the fan, there’s only one name you need remember.. Stonk.