Monthly Archives: May 2016

The show kicked off with one man’s pain. He took a gamble and it backfired, so not only does Chris Renfrew no longer have the right to compete for the ICW World Heavyweight Title, he no longer has a job. He queried if it would even be worth his while if he was to lose the plot and start taking scissors to pregnant burds and executing ring announcers. Is any of it worthwhile if there’s no goal at the end of it? No belt to compete for? Surely thats what any wrestler aspires to be. The champ. Renfrew’s nae different. You have to imagine that shiny trinket of wrestling excellence is the thing that continues to drive Joe Coffey through all these hurdles put in front of him. In the year and a bit since he got his shot at Barramania 1 its seemed to be hurdle after hurdle. When he’s in the process of knocking down roadblocks, Red Lightning’s 100 feet down the road setting up more. Joe’s gamble was a bit more cut and dried than Renfrew’s though. He wins and he gets a title shot, he loses hes gone. Simple as that. There’s nae wee surprise firing here, if Jack Jester emerged victorious Joe Coffey was oot the door. It just couldn’t happen. He’s too vital. He represents hard graft and dedication to being the best you can possibly be actually mattering a fuck and if he goes its fucked. Nae Renfrew representing everything ICW is, was and wants to be. Nae Joe Coffey leading the rebellion. Nae fuckin point really is there? They’ve won. The bad guys run the show now and they’re just gonnae fight each other and have a laugh from now on. If you’ve got a problem with it you’ll get invited into the ring for a scrap and/or an 8 week initiation period to see if yer cut out for the pro wrestling malarkey. But if the show started with sorrow, it ended with jubilation. From one man’s pain came the triumph of an Iron Man.

The Local Fire vs The Rich Kids Of Instagram

Osiris told us all 3 of them would be wrestling in this match, and then gave it “Freebird rules baby!” Freebird rules means any 2 of a team of 3 can defend that team’s tag titles, disnae just mean 3 folk can wrestle 2. This incorrect statement, and the fact that they wear hats with light up bits on them gives me an itchy dislike for The Rich Kids Of Instagram. An itch that could only be scratched if a grizzly bear ate the cunts, or if Aaron Echo saw sense and battered fuck out the other two. Nah I jest. Good on them n that. But see if they’re rich and Red Lightning is their uncle, surely he must be rich as well? Rich enough to perhaps be able to purchase and second, and maybe even a third pair of denims. But listen, there was a wrestling match here and The Wealthy Weans of Whatsapp were up against a Joe Hendry and Davey Blaze with problems. A Local Fire that might be about to be extinguished. Mistrust in the ranks. A bucky bottle shaped dent in Joe Hendrys heid and heart. The prize? A place in the next round. The tag belts on the line. Or maybe some shiny new belts if Polo Promotions decide to punt theirs on Ebay.

Can it really be considered a 3 on 2 match if 2 members of the team of 3 spend the majority of the match gettin chucked about like wet washin? Big Echo looked impressive as ever but for the most part Davey and Joe ragdolled his “cousins”. Love the wee Sasha Banks-esque double stomp in the corner thing Echo does though. Much like his shites, its always money (trying to work the gimmick into a bit of patter there, cause they’re supposed to be rich so im impyling they shite £50 notes. Did it work aye? Good) but The Local Fire eventually overcame the numbers game, and some internal dissent when The Wee Man came out to wind Joe Hendry up to win the match with mad fallaway slams. The double fallaway slam on Echo, before Kyle Khaos and Austin Osiris took one each, and Davey finished Khaos off with a big bastardin spear. Game’s a bogey.

Ye know what they say though eh? the bogey’s are always greener on the other side or eh….something. Joe Hendry chased The Wee Man behind the curtain. Leaving Davey to deal with dark side of the bogey as they say (really need to cut this metaphor, its no working, nor is it even a metaphor) as he was subjected to a 3 on 1 beatdown from The Richies. The bold Ravie Davie saved the day, appearing to springboard double dropkick Osiris and Khaos before inviting big Echo to come ahead, and sharing a wee moment with Davey Boy before disappearing screaming “fuck the system!”. With tensions rising in The Local Fire, is there an alliance brewing between the two Daveys? Wid their tag team name be “Double D’s doon tae yer knees?” Who knows mate. Who fuckin knows what this mad wrestling patter will chuck at us. Just strap yourself in good n tight and enjoy the ride.

The LT Degree With Sammi Jayne

Since Liam Thomson is all about degrees and therefore all about education. Instead of analysing this weeks LT Degree, I’m going to outline exactly what we learned from it. And oh boy, that was indeed a vast amount of things. About to be presented to you in informative bullet points so you absorb each piece of information individually and profoundly. Drink it all in. Become LT. Absorb the D.

Liam Thomson has a MASSIVE cock. Here’s a recent photo of him taking it for a nice walk as proof of the fact.

Sammi Jayne was promised the Women’s Title if she was to align herself (mind, body and soul) with Liam Thomson and Debbie Sharp. A group they have dubbed “The LT Degreeeeeeeees”. The nature of this role is yet to be outlined properly, but basically it seems to involve and lot of holding stuff for Liam Thomson while advocating the fact that he has a massive dick. Massive. Honestly like a fuckin treetrunk wae two watermelons underneath.

Carmel arrives to inform us that Liam Thomson’s dick is in fact really wee. Like mind how ye used to/probably still get spaghetti and sausages? Know how the wee sausages? Like one of them, but half the girth. She also goes through every match he’s had this year, detailing how he lost them and telling him that’s why ICW aren’t booking him in matches. Because he always loses them. The first non penis related point of this weeks show, which was a refreshing change of pace.

Carmel then turned her attentions to Sammi Jayne, who hadn’t spoken yet despite being this weeks guest on the show because in case you haven’t gathered it by now, the LT Degree isn’t really a chat show, more the place people go to get therapy for genital fixations. Carmel challenged Sammi to a last woman standing match for the ICW Women’s Title, but before she gave her answer to that question…..

THREESOME DENIED. A fine attempt from Thomson, but that possibly massive but probably toaty willy will not be gettin double dipped. Instead Sammi his a beauty of a German Suplex on Debbie, before passing comment on her “massive fanny” and suhin about his boaby no touching the sides. Before she went on to accept Carmels challenge and they had a right good staredoon to round it all off. Nae idea when this match will actually take place but it’ll likely steal the show on whatever show its on let me tell ye that. Did ye let me? Well then I’ve tellt ye.

Kay Lee Ray vs BT Gunn

It’s extremely difficult to dislike Kay Lee Ray and Stevie Boy even though they’ve turned into right vengeful bastards, cause of that fuckin entrance tune. I commend folk who are able to see past that and still give them shit for their collective sins, because as soon as I hear that tune all I want to do is cover mysell in UV paint, get good n sweaty and heidbutt some inanimate objects and/or human people. Point is, its a fuckin tune, and this was a fuckin match. That might no seem very descriptive but if you’ve seen it, you’ll know why it fits. Ye struggled to catch a breath watching it so fuck only knows how the people actually performing it managed to keep that relentless pace going. One of the most absorbing matches of the year so far, but what else was gonnae happen when two of the very best in the UK/World came face to face and completely disregarded traditional gender roles in the name of kicking fuck out each other.

Well “kicking” is underselling it a bit. It was more than just kicking. Any part of human anatomy that can conceivably be used to strike another human was in play here. At one point BT ripped his own shin off and cracked Kay Lee with it before a new shin immediately grew in its place because that’s BT Gunn. That’s how his talent sometimes manifests itself. Growing new shins and caving in chins. That’s what BT Gunn does. Stevie Boy took a suicide dive that bent guardrail before taking an accidental kick in the chest aff his burd, which looked unpleasant but also probably straightened oot his spine after the guardrail spot. That’s what a solid relationship is. Even during acts of accidental violence, your still looking out for yer other half. Kay Lee’s game as fuck, but sometimes gameness comes hand in hand with daftness and Kay Lee made the extremely ill advised decision to start a chop war with BT Gunn. That’s like….well…there actually isnae anything you could even compare that does it justice. Its just no a thing any sane human would think of doing. I’d hand BT Gunn a machine gun and start a gun fight before I’d volunteer to take any chops from him. But there they were. Chopping fuck out each other for their sins. Kay Lee was slingin’ two handers but BT’s were still causing the most damage to both Kay Lee’s chest and everycunt elses eardrums. BT was on top but Stevie got his neb in again and the tide had firmly turned when Kay Lee done a mad bunny hop off the top rope before landing and hitting the Canadian Destroyer. I dunno if the hop was for momentum or just pure showmanship (showomanship? ) but it looked sare as fuck. Somehow BT kicked out and found a second, third and probably a fourth wind to hit the Gory Bomb on Kay Lee. Her ain move no less! Still only 2. Maybe it would actually need settled with a gunfight, or at least some kind of samurai sword based duel.

The chop procession continued, but this time it was joined by all sorts of kicks, as they pretty much stood in the middle of the ring, right on that ICW logo, engaged in a bitter fight to the death. You would never believe they’re actually pals, this was like suhin outta Kill Bill at times, as a kick to the baws was met by a kick to the fanny, followed by the heinous act of BT throwing Stevie at his missus while she was hung up in the corner. If a match involves a man being flung at his burd that’s instantly 5 stars in my book. A superkick exchange led to Kay Lee being reduced to one knee. With a smirk on her face that said “Dae it……kill me” DOOOOSH! The knockout blow was delivered with a sickening superkick to the temple and that finally got the pin. BT Gunn keeps on fighting the good fight.

Really didn’t expect to enjoy BT this much as an out and out good guy but he pulls it off and doesn’t sacrifice any of the trademark brutality wrestling wise. Stunning bit of wrestling so it was. Proof that no matter what dwells between yer legs, if yer game for a fight, and the person opposite is also game, a fight will indeed take place. Stevie jumped in to attack BT only for Viper to provide hauners, she actually full on launched Kay Lee into the crowd before she even got to the ring anaw. Proper launched her so she did. I dunno if shes an NAK affiliate now, or just BT Gunn’s designated burd hauners, but they seem like good pals and that’s nice. Its nice that he has a new burd pal since his last one stopped being his pal and started being a person that kicks him in the baws a lot.

Mikey Whiplash vs Johnny Moss

This was Whiplash’s last match in ICW for a while. Fans have questioned if his departure is down to a real life issue or part of a storyline, but I don’t get why it matters or why people need to know. No matter the reason for it, its bad news regardless. No matter the reason behind it, the end result is him not wrestling in an ICW ring for a while and that’s not an ideal situation. An ideal situation in any wrestling promotion would always involve Mikey Whiplash wrestling folk. This match spelled out exactly why that is, as it was a masterclass from both. Whiplash had the Polo Promotions squad jersey hanging out his trunks. A nod to departed comrades before he departed himself. If anyone had a problem with it, they could direct it at the spit Mikey Whiplash left on the ICW logo before he departed through a side exit. The match was a beautiful display of holds followed by an equally beautiful display of just about everything else. I’m ill equipped to properly put it into words. Mossy kneed the shite out of Whiplash before Whiplash cleaned him out with a clothesline which brought the hold for hold part of the match to an end, eventually leading to Mossy hitting a perfect German Suplex with a belter of a bridge for the win.

Considering how reluctant Whiplash has been to shake hands with folk lately, even one’s he respects and dare I say ones he actually LIKES, but Mossy’s handshake was accepted because he’s fuckin Johnny Moss. He could shag yer wife and you’d still accept a handshake off him because fuck dealing with the consequences of not accepting it. The main one most likely being an inability to eat food due to no longer having teeth. After Mossy departed, the air of mutual respect left with him. All that was left was Mikey Whiplash’s unrelenting anger for the company he was once the champion of. The company he gave everything to, including a shiny big grogger right on the logo before he left. Maybe for a wee while before returning in dramatic fashion. Maybe for good. Who the fuck knows, but one thing we do undoubtedly know is that its bad news. Just like the Polos leaving, even Billy Kirkwood and Renfrew being fired, no matter if the reasons for these departures are “real” or “fake” who the fuck cares when the end result is talented people no longer performing on wrestling shows? Its a shite situation, but one talented person who wasn’t quite done with the company yet had the opportunity to provide a chink of light in amongst the shite. That man is an Iron Man. That man is Joe Coffey, and his task was beating Jack Jester by any means necessary to secure a title shot and keep his job. Easy eh? Well…..

Joe Coffey beating Jack Jester in a one on one shenanigan free wrestling match is still a formidable task. Going up against a former ICW Champion and probably the only guy who’s ever threatened to shove a chain-mail dildo up his arse is never an easy task, doing it in a situation where the mug mangler Sha Samuels is the guest ring announcer? It gets just that wee bit harder. Add Kid Fite into the mix as “Dr Watson” the ringside doctor, a sinister picture starts to form. Chuck big Flex in as ringside enforcer, with a sprinkle of Lionheart as special guest ref and you’ve got yourself a fuckin stitch up. The man making sure the stitch up went to plan was the big boss man (no the actual one, he’s deid) Red Lightning as the timekeeper. Dae timekeepers exist these days unless someone with bad intentions needs an excuse to be a ringside? Its a dying trade anyway. But Joe didn’t just have Jester to contend with, he had a whole squad of cunts who don’t really think much of him to contend with anaw. Mere mortals wouldn’t have a hope in hell, even the Iron Man might struggle, the mighty wrestler would struggle to wrestle his way through this minefield, but Joe Coffey with a chip on his shoulder and vengeance in mind? The old spraypainted No mercy vest that he wore back in the day when he was all about screaming at Grado and making Red Lightning pay for his sins? Get out that cunts road before he knocks yer heid aff and punts it into the stratosphere in defiance.

Before Joe was introduced, Red asked for anyone who wanted to hauner Joe to step forward now or forever hold their hauners, AND IT WAS THEM. POLO PROMOTIONS MUSIC PLAYED AND THE PRODIGAL SONS HAD FINALLY CAME HOME. Or so we thought, it was a ruse. Everycunt fell about laughing as there was no Polo Promotions to save the day. There are no heroes in this tale. Only villains having a right gid laugh at their work. Sha eventually saw fit to introduce a man he almost fondly referred to as “The Iron Mug”. Joe Coffey. In amongst the shenanigans, it has to be said that Joe and Jester had a pretty decent match. If its done right and the various shenanigans involved are timed well, a match ridden with interference can actually feel cohesive and good and the atmosphere in the place definitely helped it. Joe got a right feel good factor into the place when he tossed Jester over the barrier before launching himself right over it. He then found a bin, smacked Jester with it before proudly declaring “I FOUND A TENNER!” to scenes of wild jubilation. Maybe this would be Joes night after all. Any night where you find a stray tenner in Glesga and its not attached to some sort of dug shite based prank, its a good fuckin night. A night where the gods are smiling on you. It certainly seemed that way when Joe got the Boston Crab locked in good n tight right in the middle of that ring, but nah. Not that easy Joe san. Red told the troops to surround him and a beatdown was delivered. Lionheart even getting some sly kicks in while pretending to try and bring some order into the situation, but Joe was not for yielding. A big dive over the top rope on to EVERYCUNT, immobilising the troops briefly before Jester took over.

The tables had turned. Joe fought for his ICW life as Jester mangled him with chairshot after chairshot. Every conceivable type of chairshot was used including shooting the chair out of a cannon, and launching it from the top of The Wallace Monument right on to Joes heid. But he kept on fighting and was offered a glimmer of hope when Joe Hendry and Davey Boy turned up to huckle The 55 out the building. The numbers still weren’t in the Iron Mans favour but you got the feeling things were going his way. Even when Lionheart refused to count the pin after he hit the tombstone Kenny Williams was on hand to lay Hearto spark out with a superkick. Unfortunately for Kenny, big Flex was on hand to chokeslam him clean oot his bollocks, before Joe hit the Discus on Jester.

Only problem there was…nae ref to count the pin. Lionheart was stoatin’ aboot lookin steamin, and even if he was fine he’d have slow counted it tae fuck anyway. In came exiled former senior referee Thomas Kearins, illegally entering himself in to proceedings from the crowd and getting to a count of two before Lionheart suddenly found a second win and knocked him out with a superkick of his own. Joe had apparently grown tired of the biased nature of the officiating and decided enough was enough. Down went Hearto thanks to the discus but one person that had flew under the radar pretty much the whole time was Jester. Plotting whit orifice he was gonnae probe next with that shiny fake boaby while Flex delivered a chokeslam for a two count performed by Sean McLaughlin, who had emerged to become the third and final man to take charge of this chaos. With Sean in there you guaranteed impartiality and handsomeness so we were on to a winner the minute he appeared. A fair fight. Who’d have thought it possible at the start eh. The numbers game was finally evened up as Big Damo the man who Joe Coffey would likely face for the title if he was to win provided unlikely hauners. Clearly thirsting for the challenge Joe would bring. They always have cracking matches and Joe was (to my knowledge) the last person to gain a clean win over Damo in ICW so its only right that he gets his shot. And get it he did.

The finale was unrelenting. They stood toe to toe leathering each other, before a few attempts at the Discus were blocked, only for Joe to finally find the sweet spot and connect with a beauty of a lariat. LIGHTS OOT FOR BIG KINK. JOE COFFEY HAS CONQUERED. Damo made sure Red Lightning rung the bell and Joe finally had a well earned second shot at the gold. Against at times impossible looking odds, he prevailed in the most dramatic way possible. His win was more than just a guy winning a wrestling match though, it was Joe Coffey overcoming the odds to take a spot that he’s well and truly earned. I know it, you know, Damo knows, and now The Black Label and all their affiliates know it anaw. Mark in yer diaries for…eh…sometimes in the not too distant future. Joe’s getting his shot!

Wrestling comes in many flavours. A good wrestling show should be a right good mix-up. A wee bit of everything. Some of it you love (fizzy cola bottles), some of it you’re completely indifferent to (normal cola bottles), and some of it makes you immediately gag at the sight of it (they fuckin weird blue cola bottles that taste like Windolene) but it at its best its a variety even if it’s not rammed with things you immediately love. Scottish wrestling for me is unsurpassed at putting on that type of show. There’s good stuff happening down south, over in America, aw err the globe, but if ye want my completely unbiased take on it Scotland does variety better than anyone. ICW in particular are famous for it and GPWA trainee Ravie Davie represents that variety better than most, because on the same show where we seen Chris Renfrew and DCT get steamin and chase each other with everything from kendo sticks to dildos, on the same show we seen Lionheart and Lewis Girvan have a stoater of a match ridden with shenanigans, on the same show we seen Damo powerbomb Trent Seven from the ring to a table on the outside, and on the same show where we seen BT Gunn, Wolfgang, Kay Lee Ray and Viper batter fuck out each other paying no attention to the gender of the person facing them, we also seen Ravie Davie wrestle Aaron Echo in the dark match, and respond to a “Where’s yer Da?” taunt from the crowd with an almost poetic response of “Ah dunno, he left when I wis a wee guy!” . If that’s not the definition of “variety” I dunno what the fuck is.

There’s nae doubt Ravie Davie has made an impression on the scene already and has proved to be more than competent in the ring (that moonsault’s a stoater), but its the fact that people already knew who he was before they even knew he was a wrestler that sticks out the most. You can teach folk wrestling, but you can’t teach charisma, and this cunts got bags of it, so we had to grab him for a chat. We had to get in there before he becomes a reality tv star, or becomes the guy to single-handedly bring back WCW, by telling Ted Turner to stop fannyin aboot and fuckin dae it. Hulk Hogan’s still alive and probably at a loose end so why the fuck no. There’s yer brand right there. Not like he’s done anything lately to hurt his public image. Listen but, less of my shite, more of Ravie Davie.

Obviously the patter is slangy as fuck, I imagine if ye’ve read my stuff before it’ll no be a problem, but if you haven’t and its a problem, well take yer problem elsewhere mate. Only room for love here.

Ravie fuckin Davie. First and foremost, hows things mate?

Wits hapnin Martin ma man n wits happnin to the troops that are readin. Aye mate all good in the life of the fresh prince at the moment mate 2016s defos been the best year eh ma life n its no even hawf way done yet

You came from the GPWA school run by a squad of experienced Scottish Pro Wrestlers. Tell us a wee bit about that experience and what made you go for it in the first place

Aye man the GPWA is honestly the best thing i have ever done wae ma life, honestly man 5 eh the very best wrestlers in europe training you 4 times a week man ye canny whack it mate know wit a mean? My experience in the asylum his been the fuckin business, from ma 8 week intake seeing if a was cut out for this, learning all the different types of holds n moves, getting to do matches in training to actually making my debut n putting aw the stuff av been taught together man it been immense honestly couldny recommend enough to anyone man the GPWAs like a family n a fuckin love it. The reason a went for the asylum was after seeing Insane Fight Club 1 n 2 a mailed Mark Dallas on Facebook saying a wanty get into wrestling is there anyway ye could help me out n he said search for the Glasgow Pro Weestling asylum on Facebook and they’ll train you or sometin along that line n ats wit a done a had a went n payed for ma place in the school at waited patiently to join n it was well worth the wait man ano av said it wance or twice but seriously the best hing av done in ma life.

Also the schools got alot of good talent in it ma nemesis The Sam Barbour Experience, Stevie James, CS Rose, The Purge, Jack Dillon, Soldato, Kez Evans, Molly Spartan n many many more that yeez will probably hear about in the not to distant future

Putting ye on the spot, but fuck it, this is hard-hitting journalism right here. Who’s yer favourite coach of the 5? I bet its Wolfgang. He seems like a delightful chap.

Ye’ll no believe me here coz yell hink am just avoiding answering the question but a like them aw the same they’ve aw got their different qualities coaching wise they’ve aw got a vast amount a knowledge, talent and past stories to use to help us aw grow and the fact that there 5 best pals really shows when yer there n they want nothing more than aw there trainees to succeed in the wrestling business n to be happy while there trying to achieve their goals.

Well dodged. Diplomatic answers to interview questions have been a cornerstone of civilised society for as long as societies have existed, but at the same time, I’m gonnae take this to mean “Wolfgang’s ma favourite, but if I say that BT Gunn will chop the nips aff me, Lionheart will superkick ma left molar oot, Jester will carve his name and shoe size intae my foreheid with that corkscrew, and Red Lightning will fire me”

You’ve made an impression in ICW early in your career. First with the videos of you “sneaking” in to shows, and more recently in the ring. How much of a buzz has it been to make a mark at one of the biggest independent wrestling companies in the world so early in your career?

How much eh a buzz has it been ?
Mate its been the biggest buzz eh ma life man a swear sometimes a don’t believe it’s actually happening, I know everybody says it, but honestly man this is a real life dream am living. Like see if a died the day, I’d die a happy man well no happy coz ad be deid but a wouldny be angry ye get me ???

Defo mate. Day after the most significant interview I’ve ever done I felt the same. Honestly sat and asked myself “Will it ever get any better than this? Interviewing my hero?” To this day I remain thankful that Lou King Sharp gave me that interview.

You play the “ned” character. Full of patter, charisma and surprising moonsaults. How close is that character to how you are as a person outwith the wrestling? “fae the scheme, fur the scheme” was the patter that first grabbed me tbh. That’s the kind of thing that sets ye apart.

Aye yer right there man av got more patter than a centipede wearing flip-flops, n more than wan surprising moonsault but aye the characters very close to me being born n bred in Govan am basically just a ned who likes wrestling but now instead a hinging about street corners wae the young team drinking n fighting wae other gangs am hinging about the asylum fighting other trainees which is much better coz ye dont needty watch out for the polis. Really am just a ned wae a gameplan n the fae the scheme for the scheme hing will still be happening, but instead reporting it will be fighting fae the scheme for the scheme.

Were you always a wrestling fan growing up? If so, who were your wrestling heroes?

Aye man av been a big wrestling fan aw ma life ever since a was 4 years old n a seen it on sky sports wae ma uncle I’ve been hooked. Me n ma 2 pals Zander Mcguire n Steg Barnett used to roam the streets a Govan looking for mattresses that had just been flung out n would move them to this set a backs where there was a wall wee could jump off n wee just wrestle from morning to night. Honestly hinking about it now it was fuckin stupid n am surprised none eh us got seriously hurt but at was what the 3 eh us done everyday until we got to high school n ma wrestling heroes well av got a few lol … Mick Foley was my first ever favourite wrestler so getting to meet him last year was the donkeys conkers for me. Shawn Micheals is ma favourite of all time n ye canny no love yer Rocks, Austins n Eddie Guerreros aw the guys av grew up watching man but Micheals n Foley are definitely ma 2 biggest heroes in wrestling.

If the Foley love was an attempt to pop the interviewer. Well done. It 100% done the job. Here’s Davie going for (and missing, but I’ve seen him hit it and its a phenomenal site) that mad moonsault he does.

You’re in amongst a feud with The Padded Weans Of Whatsapp or whatever ye call them. Taking a beatdown from them before coming to Davey Boy’s aid when they attacked him at the last ICW show. How much do you want to batter fuck out them? Like, I think we all do a wee bit, but your desire to knock them out must be much stronger considering the fact that they keep fuckin’ with you.

Aye the spoiled weans who are heavy bams decided to fuck up my debut in Glesga by sneakying me, causing me to take ma eyes aff that big snake Aaron Echo so he could smash me about for the win. A don’t see why Aarons got them to help him coz he’s some size eh a boy but at least a know wit to expect now coz next time a face them a just needty do what a done when a hawnered Davey Boy, and thats take they 2 out first afore a get ma hawns on the big man. The fact that the fucked me over is the main reason but even if they didny ad still wanty batter them for the fact they think there better than cunts coz theyve got money or that fuckin stupid music they come out to man wit the fuck is that so a swear to u Marty boy that am gawny smash the lot of them like gless bottles n no amount a money in the world can stop me fae dain that to them.

Wee hint of an alliance with Davey Boy there as well. Could we see “The Two Daveys” make their tag team debut anytime soon?

No comment until my lawyer gets here 😂

Nah kiddin on mate obviously thats something I would love but eh guys busy being wae The Local Fire stuff n that but ye never know mate ye never know.

Where do you see this wrestling thing taking you? Whats the ultimate aim for Ravie Davie?

Honestly mate I don’t know mate if you told me in August when I started going to the asylum that I would have been where I am right now I would have laughed at you so hopefully I just keep progressing like I am then who knows but the ultimate aim for me in this is to become the best hing gawn in wrestling and to be the most successful person to come out of Govan since Sir Alex Ferguson except i want to have lifted more championships than him when I retire.

Picturing a version of that photie of Ultimo Dragon with about 50 belts, except its Ravie Davie wae every belt in Scotland (some he won, some he ‘borrowed’) stickin the middle finger up a photie of Sir Alex.

There’s an ICW show at the Hydro this year. 11,000 capacity. Probably a daft question, but how much of a huge thing would it be to make it on to that show and how do you plan on making that happen?

If a made it onto that show I’d probably collapse the minute a got told coz a wouldny be able to contain ma excitement but to be fair ad just be happy no having to sneak in. I highly doubt at will be the case cause Red Lightning has got it in for me and doesny want The Fresh Prince bringing the scheme to ICW but I’ll just keep dain wit am dain and if worst comes tae it all just sneak in. I’ve awready been ‘hinkin of a way a can do it.

WWE are running RAW in the Hydro a couple of weeks earlier, so kid on yer Enzo Amore and Flex is Big Cass. Get on RAW. Tell the worldwide audience about ICW. ICW sells out the Hydro and there’s so much demand for tickets that a second show is booked. They’d have nae choice but to book ye then, or alternatively ye could hide in the toilets for 2 weeks and anytime somecunt asks, talk about how much of a belter of a shite it is, and you could be “anything from 10 minutes to 10 days finishing this bad boy aff, I’m no nippin it for anycunt!”

Last but not least. Tell us anything ye want. Like how a guy wakes up in Amsterdam no having a fuckin clue how he got there haha. Nah but, any social media plugs or things of that nature feel free to fire them in here. Anything else you want to tell us, fire away.

The Amsterdam thing was just a mad wan gawn that wee bit too far but that’s out ma system now its no something av done afore n wont be something am ever going to do again was funny at the time but regretted it when I realised the mess I’d got maself in haha. But it did work out no bad for me but coz a got a free trip back to Amsterdam out of it for a tv show that will be on ITV this summer so that was a result but naws its definitely no sometin a would recommend dain also if yer reading this n yev no awready liked ma fb page get yerself onto that Ravie-Davie, The Fresh Prince Of Drumoyne Square and also the asylum have an intake on June 15th wae limited spaces left so get yer arse along to the GPWA page n get yerself signed up.

Cheers to Warrior Fight Photography and Marion Mcginn for the images used and of course to Ravie Davie for his time. If you wan’t to see what all the fuss is about, get to the next Asylum show or the next ICW show the bold yin is on. Even if he’s no scheduled to be on it, the card is always subject to neds.

OH ITS HAPPENING. ITS DAMN HAPPENING! Naw that’s not it, haud on. YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE OLYMPIC GOLD TRUTH! Naw wait, that’s not it either, ffs. ITS TRUE, ITS DAMN TRUE! That’s the sweet spot right there. ITS ANGLE! ITS KURT ANGLE. Even better mate. The point is, as revealed by Kenny “The Managers Bollocks” Williams, via a certain Mr Mick Foley (once interviewed on Snapmare Necks.com, in case you hadn’t heard) Kurt Angle will be appearing on the Hydro show. Red Lightning was already in the ring when Kenny burst on the scene with nothing but a tie and 3-4 bottles of baby oil covering his upper torso to reveal that Mick Foley had sent a memo to him revealing that Angle was in for the Hydro. People were proper losing their shit for this yin. Throwing their children in the air only for them to be caught and escorted out by security. Over 18s show pal, don’t bring or throw your children here ever again. Red wasn’t pleased and threatened to throw us all out on numerous occasions, because he’s very good at his job, and that gives him the ability to someow not seem totally buzzin about the prospect of being on a show with 11,000 spectators watcing and KURT FUCKIN ANGLE doing a wee wrestle. Speaking of wee wrestles. This show had a few of them.

Wolfgang vs Kenny Williams

Kenny might be the bollocks, but 9 times out of 10 if a pair of bollocks does a suicide dive on to a Wolf while that Wolf is still stoatin’ down to the ring, it doesn’t end well for the bollocks. That’s pure scientific fact right there and after some early hi-jinks Wolfie took his revenge by chucking Kenny in the crowd and snarling at anyone in the front row who he deemed to have the capacity to feel happiness. It was the usual mixture of sexy flying back elbows and Wolfy lifting Kenny over his heid with varying degrees of success before Kenny bust out a beautiful Frankensteiner with the aid of a wee bit of springboard action. Wolfy planted Kenny right on his face with a sit out face/gut/spirit buster soon after, ten missed a swanton while giving the fans the finger in mid air, that’s karma for being a flying cheeky bastard but at the same time managing to swear at cunts while being an 18 stone man who can actually fly is an act of bad-ass-ness regardless of how it ended up. Lionheart appeared to distract Kenny it was time for the Wolf to go full Goldberg. Catching Kenny with a spear as he was going for a springboard suhin, before finishing the job with the Jackhammer. Entertaining contest as always between the these two. Kenny for me is at his very best when its a right big cunt in there with him and he needs to go all road runner on them and basically run round them in circles until they get dizzy and lose via TKI. Totally kunted it.

Lionheart (c) vs Zack Gibson (ICW Zero-G Title Match)

Lionheart’s been killing it lately, and if you read that and thought to yersell “naw he fuckin husnae, he’s a fanny!” that’s precisely WHY he’s killing it right now. Because he turned a song calling him a fanny into a positive. Not many folk could do that. Not many folk could stoat out in front of 1,400 folk calling him a fanny in unison at the Barras and leave with a shiny belt and the biggest “fuck the whole fuckin lot of you cunts” grin on his coupon. Team Believe was replaced long ago by Team Selfies Wae Yer Dug, but Team Believe Lionheart has nae belts, whereas Team Fanny Lionheart has the Zero-G so who’s winning really? The guy who had fans, or the guy who has the gold and disnae give a fuck what you think?

After a cracker of a match with Lewis Girvan 2 weeks earlier, Hearto would have a task keeping the belt off Zack Gibson. The Scouse Spine Shatterer is a guy who must be considered a regular member of the ICW roster now after impressing in every match he’s had with the company so far. He’s too fuckin good not to be. This didn’t get a huge amount of time but they battered each other sufficiently with the time they had. Gibson displayed his deceptive agility with a mad jawbreaker off the top rope as part of a well worked finishing sequence that had a succession of crackin superkicks from Hearto before a swift sleekit thumb to the eye, superkick and rock bottom combo put Gibson away. Wee bit of a surprise that Lionheart won relatively clean (well a thumb in the eye in ICW terms is still quite clean, maybe if it was a thumbtack thumb to the eye it would be a different story and we’d be calling big Scouse Zack “Wan Eye” Gibson) but it was another showing from Gibson that will have done him no harm in the long term. But in the short term…nae belts for you. Not yet anyway. Lionheart continues to lord it over each and every one of us, but the next defence is against one of the very best in the land and a man who needs one belt to complete the ICW triple crown. BT….BT…..BT FUCKIN….ach ye know the rest.

The 55 vs The New Nation (ICW Tag Title Tournament Match)

The New Nation made an impressive ICW debut, carrying on the legacy left by their “Auld” nation elders D’Lo Brown, Kama Mustafa, Farooq and the rest of the gang. Wait, widdye mean that’s not the nation they’re referring to? There are no other nations, unless we’re talking Uhaa? Suppose that gimmick is up for grabs now he’s Apollo Crews’in it aw err RAW, but listen. The nation in question isn’t important. What is important is that Jason Prime and Alexander Henry are a couple of mad angry bastards, with an abundance of talent to go with their mad anger. They came out and looked heavy raging at The 55, while The 55 were like “come ahead ya pair of absolute wallopers” and off we went. A good old fashioned dust-up with the addition of some mental flippy ship from Henry in the form of a moonsault on Sha and Fito as they hung about outside the ring bamming up some security guards about their haircuts. Moonsaults and mad bastards eh. What a time to be alive, in The Garage and watching the fuck out of some wrestling.

Sha and Fito survived the early energy from the newbies and got busy forcefully stomping fuck out them and getting quick cohesive tags on the go, Kid Fite even busted out the BSSE. That’s not the name of the firm him and Sha are in, that stands for BEST SNAP SUPLEX EVER, cause it fuckin is. If there’s ever been a snappier suplex performed in wrestling well, there hasn’t been, and whoever tellt ye there has is a fuckin liar. The New Nation lads went mental with splashes in opposite corner, before their momentum was derailed when Fito chucked Henry up in the air and kicked him square in the baws on the way down. A slingshot double suplex finished the job and The 55 move on in a tournament that they think shouldn’t even be happening. In their eyes the belts never left and if it wasn’t for their ex manager being a shitebag they’d still have them. Hard to argue with such bold claims when they made relatively short work of an impressive team like The New Nation. As much as Henry had more of the highlight reel stuff, Jason Prime looks like a legit nutter who would gladly tear one of yer limbs off and eat it right off the bone and theres always room for people of that ilk at ICW.

Big Damo vs DCT (ICW World Heavyweight Title match)

Red Lightning returned to the ring to ask DCT for a word, and proceeded to berate him for entering himself into the Glasgow Rules match with Renfrew without permission. As if Red was offended at DCT giving out and taking a kicking in the name of our entertainment. He fuckin hates us aw, and when the Damo came out and the Joe Coffey chants got going, we entered full on tantrum mode. Red sat in the corner and refused to let the show go on until the pro Joe chants stopped. Pro Joe eventually turned in to Anti Red as a chant about Red being a “Mighty Wanker” started up. I get that its a fun twist on Joes chant, but is calling someone a mighty wanker not a compliment? If someone called me that, I would thank them while quietly wondering how the fuck they came to know that I’m proper good at chuggin. We’re rambling here, Reds final act of business was to make a title match between Damo and DCT. Because they were both in the ring, and DCT exclusively wrestles massive guys wae even massive’r beards. Bram…..HE COMIN FUH YOU N…

Right I’ve checked. There’s nae monsters under yer bed DCT. In fact there isnae even a bed at all. You’re literally floating. How are you doing this magic?

Damo was of course dominant throughout this one, because that’s what he does. He keeps the ICW Title by any means necessary. If wrestling moves don’t get it done? you’ll get flung through a table from a great height. If that doesn’t do it? You’ll get elbowed in the side of the heid until you start seeing wee tweety birds chasing each other above yer heid. If that doesn’t work? Sawn off shotgun in the trunks. Boom. Deid. No matter what means he chooses, he always keeps that belt. But DCT had his moments in amongst the dominance. Taking the big man off his feet with a flying shoulder tackle and planting him with a slick DDT. Damo seemed taken aback by it and proceeded to knock fuck out of DCT. Rounding off the fuck knocking with 100 elbows to the side of the head to bring about the referee’s stoppage. Even rounded it off with a few jabs to the temple as well. Its quite beautiful that folk are starting to boo the elbows to the side of the heid finish because they’re booing dominance. Like it offends folk that Damo takes the “ICW is a no DQ warzone!” mentality and puts his own spin on it. If its no DQ and hes bigger and badder than everycunt, why not elbow your opponents until they can’t feel their fingers any more. Damo took to the mic and told DCT if he wanted to beat Bram, he’d have to strap a pair on and furnish them with a few layers of carpet (the joke here is, he needs a big set of hairy baws to beat Bram, probably so Bram mistakes said baws for his own face and starts narcissistically admiring them, giving DCT the opening to crack him err the nut with a vase) DCT nodded in agreement, and seemed to understand what Damo was saying remarkably well for a man who’d just been paralysed by elbows.

Chris Renfrew vs Grado (Winner becomes number one contender for the ICW Title, loser never gets another shot)

It shows you the extent of how much the ICW landscape has changed that in the 4 months since their emotionally charged battle at the Square Go that neither of the two guys seemingly willing to fight till the death for that belt even have the title now. The brothers and sisters Renfrew celebrated his title win with have flew the nest. By “flew the nest” I mean “they turned on Renfrew and BT, battered fuck out them and half the audience needed treatment for shock” but its the same thing really eh? The lasting legacy from that match will be the legacy of violence Renfrew punctuated his title reign with, but another hugely intriguing product of it all is the new Grado. A guy who’s still there to entertain, but a guy who also knows how to adjust to an audience with an altered perception of who he is and what he represents. See if they all think yer a sell-out who is TNA to the fuckin core? Be that. Play up to it and make them hate ye even more, because the chances are that the ones chanting “fuck TNA!” have already made their mind up about you anyway, and no amount of tiger facepaint and having a wee dance is going to get them back on your side. So tell them to fuck off. Tell them you’re no fucking having it anymore. Tell them Grado goes where the fuckin money goes, because if any of us were in his shoes, would we do it any differently? It might have been emotion and personal shit that fuelled their match the last time, but on this occasion it was much simpler. Winner take all, loser can never even have a sniff at the gold again and in a lot of ways that made this war even more important than the last one.

It was a night where Grado came right out his comfort zone, but Renfrew seems to bring that out in him. No matter where one of them might be at in this wrestling game, the other one is destined to be his enemy. Good vs evil and in ICW right now Renfrew is more good than evil, so what does Grado have to be by default? The bad guy. The one shouting at the crowd telling them “Don’t talk aboot TNA!” as if TNA was a close relative. It wisnae a heel turn, but it was Grado actually confronting this carry on for the first time and that was intriguing. He also confronted Renfrew with a barbed wire bat across the back and a kendo stick over the napper because why wait on Renfrew getting the toys out when you know fine well where they’re kept. Renfrew hit so many different forms of Stone Cold Stoner and Grado kept kicking out. They traded thunderous jabs, they traded blood, sweat and speckles of shite. They left absolutely everything they had out there once again and even if they really don’t like each other in real life, they combine to make magic in that wrestling ring and that will forever be the legacy of their battles when it comes down to it. Perfect enemies. Renfrew hit the T-Virus on his enemy for a 2 count. Another fuckin 2…HOW IS HE DOING THIS?! Because killing a mere mortal is probably quite easy, but killing someone who wants to kill you as much as you want to kill them? Not quite as easy.

Out came the thumbtack chair and that never ends well does it. Someone always ends up hauf deid. Renfrew brought it out but caught the sharp end of it with the R-Gra-Do and Rock Bottom on top of it puncturing each and every one of his vital organs. Renfrew might have accepted it if that was what got the job done, but to kick out of that and get pinned moments later thanks to a simple roll up? A bitter pill to swallow. Grado becomes number one contender and Renfrew never gets a shot again, an even more bitter pill to swallow, but the last pill was the bitterest. The sarest. When Red Lightning climbed in the ring after the match was done and dusted, Renfrew probably expected a bit of gloating. Rub his nose in it aye. That’s expected, but to fire the cunt who carried your title proudly and stuck his life on the line to defend it time after time? That’s a step too far. That’s ripping the soul out of your company for the sake of being able to say ye done it. You’d think Red Lightning was some kind of villainous authority figure who you’re supposed to hate with behaviour like that eh?

“Guys! If I had 4 apples in ma left haun, and 6 and a half apples in my right haun, how many apples in total wid Aaron Echo ultimately huv?”

Most of the interviews I’ve done have been with guys who were around long before I started writing about Scottish Wrestling, so Aaron Echo is a wee bit different as I actually witnessed his debut with my own two eyes at PBW Academy Attacks 2. In fact me and my pal sat directly behind a vociferous Aaron Echo fan club, which makes it all the more baffling how in the name of christ I managed to get his name wrong, as I initially had it down as “Adam Echo” before being corrected by his trainer and PBW owner Kid Fite. Even if his name somehow didn’t stick, one thing that definitely did was the level of talent he had. Of the débutantes that night he was undoubtedly the pick of the bunch. Physically imposing and impressive in the ring. Carrying on the legacy of deceptively agile guys on the Scottish scene who look far too big to be flying about the ring like Rey Mysterio uptae his eyeballs in gear. Since that night Aaron Echo has come on leaps and bounds, making a huge impression in PBW and making his debut for ICW in the final ever show held in Maryhill. The significance of someone being given the honour of making their first appearance in that iconic venue shouldn’t be underestimated and represented a faith in Echo, and faith in the judgement of his trainer Kid Fite that not many people are afforded. Put simply, Aaron Echo is one of the best emerging talents in Scotland, and manages to stick out during a period where there are more emerging talents to choose from than ever, so sit back, light up a big ol cigar, pour yersell a nice single malt and absorb this interview with the bold yin. Anyone out there wondering what the fuck a Rich Kid of Instagram is? That’s why we do interviews guys. To solve these mysteries for you, the reader….and maybe a wee bit for me as well.

I usually ask about folks’ early experience in wrestling in these interviews. First match and all that, but I actually seen your first match with my very own two eyes at one of the first Academy Attacks shows. I reviewed the show and referred to you as “Adam” Echo before Kid Fite corrected me. So first and foremost, sorry for calling ye Adam mate, and secondly, what do you recall of that first match? Were ye heavy shittin it beforehand? Also feel free to correct me if that wisnae yer first one and you have a story about wrestling Bruno Sammartino in the Garden.

Haha ‘Adam Echo’ I remember it well. It’s never too late for a name change is it?! I was ridiculously nervous before my first, as I am with very match I have. Having 50 of my friends and family there was stressful, making sure I never let anyone down or fell out the ring haha! Having that many people there to support me in living out my dream meant a lot. My Mum and Dad are continually supportive of me doing it and my friends at Clydebank Rugby Club are forever showing support and an interest in my wrestling. The biggest thing for me from my debut was the fact my Grandpa was there to see me, he was always very supportive in me chasing my dreams and he was my biggest hero. Unfortunately he passed away in January 2015 and every match I’ve had since then he is always on my mind before I go through that curtain

You made your debut for ICW in Maryhill against your trainer Kid Fite. Tell us a wee bit about that experience and getting to go up against someone who has influenced your career so much? He must love going up against folk he moulded and getting to toe their baws but at the same time it must be a buzz for you to get to batter the guy who probably gave you your first chop.

ICW debut for me was a great experience, wrestling for one of the hottest companies in th UK and wrestling not only my coach but a very close friend in Kid Fite. I was wrestling in Seton Sands during the day and got stuck in traffic on route to Maryhill so I was mega stressed out. The match itself was a really enjoyable match for me and a memory I’ll cherish for a long time.

Your second match in ICW was a cracker against Kenny Williams, then it took a wee while before the third one came along. Any particular reason for that and do you reckon this Rich Kids of Instagram malarkey will help establish you as a regular?

No particular reason, ICW has such a big talent pool to select from throughout Scotland and also have wrestlers in America and England that come in to keep the product fresh and new. I can only hope that I do enough in my chances in ICW to help establish myself as a regular, fingers crossed I’m able to do that.

It might have been “dark” but the match with Ravie Davie to open the FNFC taping a few weeks back was hugely entertaining. Echo’s no nonsense boot yer jaw aff yer face demeanour up against the patter merchant who can also do mad moonsaults is the mesh of styles wrestling was invented for.

This is more for my benefit as an auld cunt (27 is auld eh? Who the fuck knows) but whit in the name of fuck is a rich kid of Instagram? Explain it to me as best ye can.

Haha! I’ve been asked this one a few times. ‘Rich Kids of Instagram’ is basically like your stereotypical daddy bought me a yacht, never worked a day in my life and I wipe my arse with 100 pound notes type of person

PBW is where you trained and where you’ve wrestled most, what do you reckon sets PBW apart from other training schools and promotions in the UK? Do you still go in for “training” or are you past that now and you’re going to be one of the established folk that runs seminars and stands in the middle of the group photie thinking to yourself “these rookies are fuckin shockin, its called a hip toss for a reason, and none of these wee fannies are using their hips at all”

The Premier British Wrestling Academy has helped develop some of the best wrestlers in Scotland, guys and girls like Noam Dar, Davey Blaze, Stevie Xavier, Kay Lee Ray and Kenny Williams among others. The talent produced shows how good a wrestling school it is. Yes, I still train. I have loads of things to get better at and loads more to learn. Hopefully I’ll be good enough one day to be that guy in the middle of the group photo.

What’s the short term goal for you in terms of Scottish Wrestling? Any promotions in particular you want to get a foot in the door with, or just get seen as much as possible and batter as many folk as possible?

Main goal is to continually get better and develop my character throughout Scotland working for as many companies as possible. Scotland has so many good companies and some excellent wrestlers for people like myself to learn from.

Favourite opponent so far? That could either be your favourite match so far, or your favourite opponent in general, or both. Favourite opponent for me so far has to be BT Gunn, easily the most underrated guy in the UK! (could agree more big yin – cheap plug) My favourite match was either vs BT Gunn for PBW or vs Kenny Williams from spacebaws in August. I’ve wrestled Kenny Williams so many times and nearly for every promotion I’ve worked for. It’s a running joke between us that we can’t work on the same show unless we wrestle each other.

Anyone on the scene in Scotland/UK that you haven’t wrestled yet and think “me and that cunt would tear it up”?

If I had to choose 3 guys from the UK scene that I would want to wrestle it would have to be Rampage Brown, Mark Haskins and Joe Coffey. 3 of the best in Europe this day day and it’s a shame they aren’t on TV and being seen by so many more people.

Were you a fan of wrestling growing up, and if so who were your wrestling heroes? If you weren’t a fan just dingy this question and talk about anything ye like. Fitba. Darts. Sandwiches. Whatever you fancy.

I’ve been obsessed with wrestling ever since I was 2, my mum and dad bought my brother wrestling figures for Christmas and he wasn’t the least bit interested in them. My dad would take me to wrestling shows all over the country even though he has no interest in wrestling at all but as I said him and my mum couldn’t be more supportive in me chasing my dream as a wrestler. Growing up I was a massive Hogan fan, still am haha. Only dressed up as him the 3 times for Halloween. I had always had on my head that I wanted to be a wrestler, I had messaged the PBW academy one year before I started training. I watched the Nigel McGuinness documentary and it was him that inspired me to finally get off my arse and get out and chase it. If it wasn’t for him maybe I wouldn’t have started, who knows?! I was lucky enough to be able to attend a seminar with him and learn from a guy that I admire greatly. Such a shame that he had to retire, that would have been my ultimate dream matchLast but not least. Where’s Aaron Echo going to be in 10 years? WWE? NJPW? Centre-half for Real Madrid? What’s the long term goal for you in wrestling? What do you want out of it?

Aaron Echo in 10 years time… Honestly I want to, firstly, still be wrestling and still having fun and enjoying myself. If you don’t enjoy doing something is there really much point in pursuing it anymore?! As far as where I’ll be, not too sure, hopefully competing at a high level and still being kept busy doing what I love! You can keep up to date with all things Aaron Echo on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Cheers as always to David J.Wilson for the photos used. And of course cheers to Aaron Echo for his time. Get out and see him do the wrestling at a PBW, ICW, SSW or any show he might be on in a toon near you. He’s really good. Although I still reckon Adam Echo is a better fit name wise don’t you? Naw? Fine then. Bolt. Article’s done anyway. No more words for you.

No. Its not happening. Not tomorrow, not ever. Joe Coffey must remain.

Joe Coffey was a bit of a myth when I first started going to ICW. He wasn’t there in physical form, but he was spoken about. He was the guy in Japan. The guy with the mad skills who was sent out there to be chopped to within an inch of his life in the name of character building. The lean mean suplex machine who was over there learning how to knock people’s heads off their shoulders safely. Safe decapitation, its a real thing. When he came back he was angry. Angry that his brother, who he tagged with a lot more often than they do now, wasn’t given the opportunities Joe was assured he’d have when he was gone. Angry that his own opportunities were limited to him having the match of the night tucked away somewhere in the middle of the show. That anger was palpable and sustaining a serious injury only fuelled it more. That Joe Coffey hasn’t been seen in a while. Or it hadn’t been until Barramania 2, when he had Red Lightning’s windpipe at his mercy as he demanded a match with the boss. Joe wins, he gets that title shot. Joe loses, he’s gone. Unfortunately it won’t be Red on the sharp end of Joe’s wrath due to an injury of his own (that wankers cramp patter is dire right enough, if you’re wanking enough that having a burst shoulder is a real possibility, you should do less wanking, or at least less wanking that places such an incredible strain on your shoulder) but Jester is a more than ample replacement and he’s in the firing line. He stands between Joe Coffey and his destiny. He stands between Joe Coffey and the ICW Champion.

A lot of the problems Joe cited back then are still problems today. New and evolved versions of those problems. Mark Coffey has long since established a reputation in ICW as former Zero-G batterer of Fergal Devitt and 413 day Tag Team champion, yet still felt strongly enough about his current situation in the company to depart. Joe and Mark have been doing their own thing for a while now, but that’s still his brother. He will still have felt that and will still empathise with his situation even if it doesn’t directly affect Joe as much as it once did. The fact that it’s his brother is enough to suggest that the anger will still be there. The anger at still finding himself in the middle of the card after years of putting in shift after shift of top quality pro wrasslin will also be bubbling away and as much as keeping Joe away from the main event for a while has been storyline, the end result is still Joe Coffey not being in main events when he’s burst his arse to earn that spot. That has to breed something. A real bitterness amongst the wrestling façade. A real anger that simmers beneath The Mighty Wrestler front. A real desire to smash cunts behind the aesthetically pleasing warpaint. The Mighty Wrestler, Iron Man, Iron Spartan, painted up, elaborate entrances Joe Coffey is a guy you could see in NJPW. A guy you could see in WWE. A guy you could see anywhere in the world doing his thing. But is it the guy he needs to be to book his title shot against Big Damo and get back to where he belongs at the top end of the ICW card? Maybe not.

Maybe we need that wide eyed nutjob who knocked fuck out of Grado with a crutch. Blaming him for the injury that wiped out a chunk of his career and seeking vengeance. Maybe we need that psycho who took great pleasure in putting the cross armbreaker on Sean Maxer, pretty much pulling his arm out its socket and handing it to him, in his return match after his stint in Japan. Maybe we need the animal he stood toe to toe with Mikey Whiplash in a cage for SWA and took absolutely everything Whiplash had to throw at him only to prevail regardless and end his 3 year reign with the SWA Title. Maybe we need the guy who stood opposite his own flesh and blood in that very same cage a couple of years later and made us believe he actually wanted to inflict pain on his own brother. Maybe we need the guy who came out on top of two of the finest wrestling feuds I’ve seen in ICW with James Scott and Noam Dar respectively. Maybe that borderline animal with the chip on his shoulder is version of Joe that can overcome the odds and beat Jester in the face of certain hi-jinks. That’s the guy that could take 4 or 5 chokeslams from the Flexus Rattlesnake and get right back up. That’s the guy that can take 15 elbow drops off the bar, 4 tombstones and an apron legdrop and still come back for more. That’s the guy who could book his spot back where he belongs in the main event, allowing him and Damo to recreate the masterpiece they produced in Edinburgh last year, when (correct me if im wrong) Joe got a clean win over Damo. One of the few people who have managed that in ICW since he became the beast. There’s was no flurry of elbows knocking him daft that night because if there’s one advantage Joe has over many of Damo’s challengers is that he knows him inside out. That’s a fact that should give Damo a large dose of the fear. Its also a fact that could give us one of the best ICW Title matches in history.

Or what’s the alternative? Joe loses, leaves for good, and a section of fans leave with him. Its not even a question, its not something that should be shrouded in doubt, its a necessity. Joe Coffey must win. He has to. Somehow. Some way.

A wise man once said, if you can’t beat them, write list articles every day till yer fuckin eyes bleed. So here’s a list article about WWE Payback 2016 which took place last night in Chicago. I went to my pal Andy’s house to watch it, and we hung out for 3 or 4 hours before our other friend Keith arrived to make it a party. He made it a party because of his carefree attitude and commitment to bringing joy to those around him, and I can shower him in this praise safe in the knowledge he’ll never see it cause he never reads my shit. That chatter is irrelevant to the points I’m about to make about the PPV but important to paint as vivid a picture as possible regarding how the whole evening went down. Enjoy the words. Stay cool.

1. The Wyatt’s Weren’t On The Show Yet Were Heavily Featured On All The Promo Stuff. What’s that all about I ask you?

A lot of good things happening in WWE right now. The product feels fresh. Stagnant talent given a new lease of life. All that power of positivity shit. So this felt like a strange oversight. I know these things are decided well in advance and maybe there was big plans for the Wyatts before Harper went down injured, but how the fuck does it go from them all over the promo stuff to them not being on the show at all? If anything that’s false advertising. We were promised creepy beards. I expect my monthly dose of creepy beards to be delivered to me as promised. Although keep Braun and The Strowman Empire the fuck away from me. Somecunt should show that big diddy a Big Damo match and let him know that being huge isn’t an excuse for moving like your arse is made of 2p coins and fridge magnets.

2. If you didn’t want to get a step ladder, climb it and put an arm round Big Cass after Enzo’s injury, you’re dead inside.

Unless you’re The Big Show, there’s nae conceivable way you can just chuck an arm round him without some kind of ladder being deployed because in case you hadn’t heard, yer man’s 7 FOOT TALL and that’s something that CANNOT BE TAUGHT (that’s how it goes eh? words to that effect anyway) but how utterly heartbreaking was it seeing the big man breaking his heart over his pal being ko’d? In that moment he couldn’t have given a flying fuck that their big chance to make an impression on a main roster PPV had gone because that’s his best pal lying unconscious and that matters so much more. Its a huge shame but they’ll have their match and when it does happen (to completion) it’ll be smashin. Cass will chuck Enzo at everycunt within a 5 mile radius of the arena and we’ll have the perfect end to this wee tale but that moment Simon Gotch chucked Enzo into the ropes and he landed on the floor with his eyes glazed over was some scary shit and the big man felt it. That’s brotherhood. That’s a pair of guys who’ll still be best pals long after this wrestling shit stops being a thing and it was a strangely heartwarming moment amidst a difficult time. Enzo was apparently conscious and doing well so no more tears big yin. Yer wee brerr wae aw the patter is going to be just fine.

3. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn knocked it out the fuckin park

Bit of a contrast between their “I’m gonnae boot this Canadian cunt to death with my decidedly Canadian feet” best pal dynamic and the one Enzo and Cass have, but this match has the strange ability to feel fresh even if in reality its the 10003846023th time they’ve wrestled each other. Fuck knows why they didn’t go with a singles match between them at Mania instead of the admittedly hugely entertaining 6 man ladder based barney they both ended up involved in, but it lived up and for me was a better match than any of their NXT battles because this time Sami Zayn didn’t have to be leathered to within an inch of his life to the lose the match. He simply lost to the better man on the night. Big KO. Surely a matter of time before he’s in amongst the hunt for the big belt.

4. Ryback was back to his hilarious best and his match was tidy.

When the big guy lets loose and gets the humour flowing he’s one of the most entertaining guys on the roster. Recently his character has been generic personality-less meathead and its fuckin poisonous. No one gives a fuck because the character gives you ride all to invest in. Nothing to hate, love or feel anything about. Its just nothing. When he’s allowed to let that sense of humour go a wee bit (or when he’s not allowed and does it anyway) I love the big cunt. Shamelessly and forcefully. I love him more than he loves eating loaves of bread in one gulp. When he responded to the rapid CM Punk inspired Chicago boos he was on the rough end of by mimicking Punks entrance he displayed a glistening set of giant baws and waved them in all of our faces, and not to forget HIS WEIGHT BELT THE PRE-SHOW STOPPER ON IT! Fuck knows why I found that so exceedingly hilarious but I did and it was. The match was also really quite good and deserved to be on the main show but they seem to have given up the ghost when it comes to making Ryback a star now. Bad news for him, but good news for us if he keeps being given free reign to be as much of a hilarious dafty as possible.

5. Ambrose vs Jericho was 2 valium washed down with a shot of whisky masquerading as a wrestling match

The match was pretty good, so why was it so boring? Who the fuck cares. I don’t even care enough to muster up any more words about it. It was that level of disengaging. Please stop doing these meaningless feuds with Jericho and expecting it to be good. It never is because beating him means fuck all these days. His role in wrestling is to kid on he’s a threat to new talent until they pin him, then he fucks off to wear jackets without shirts with his band instead of doing it at pro wrestling shows. He’s actually had some decent villainous moments since he turned on AJ and its been one of his more enjoyable recent runs, but something about this feud was majorly off putting. Maybe its Ambrose. Maybe a “lunatic” that complies with companies orders for him to wear his own merch isn’t all that credible as a lunatic. Guess I was lying when I said I couldn’t muster up any more words about it eh. These appear to be more words. So are these.

6. The finish of Natalya vs Charlotte was so fuckin cringeworthy and stupid I’ve not stopped shaking my head since it happened. My neck’s fuckin killin me mate.

Why? Did they do this to annoy Bret because he does fuck all but moan about them in any press outlet that’ll give him the opportunity to do so? Fuck knows but doing the screwjob finish completely undermined another excellent match between two of the best wrestlers WWE have. I truly don’t understand the logic or if they’re even going to explain why lil Naitch has any motivation to be involved in it. Earl Hebner was under pressure. Feared losing his job maybe. That was a real life situation and the people involved and the decisions they made actually made a lot of sense because of that. In this weird re-hash of it, fuck all made sense, but hey, we got to see stereo sharpshooters from Bret and Nattie so every cloud and all that shite.

7. The Miz is kinda killing it right now.

People seem to hate him for things that happened in the past more than anything he does these days. He wasn’t ready to be a main event calibre guy and probably never will be of that level but is it his fault he was put in that position? Should he have told them no when they asked him to feud with Cena? Of course not. He was actually a pretty decent heel then as well, it was more his lack of believability as champ that held him back more than him lacking as a character. He was also completely average as a wrestler, but he’s improved to the point that most of his matches are at least solid and character wise he’s got it locked down. Arrogant, delusions of grandeur, smokin hot wife that makes the casual fan go “how the fuck did he get her?” and plenty of guys that people love to batter fuck out him. Like Cesaro, who had Miz tapping before sleekitness led to the quick win and Miz retaining. He could easy have a 6 month+ run with the IC belt where he fucks over all the goodies and it would be interesting enough before the Zack attack reclaims the gold he was robbed of in the first place. WOO WOO WOO. Ye ken it.

8. Talking segments on PPVs are brain death.

Vince didn’t even make a decision. They’re both running RAW. Running RAW and making decisions on PPVs aswell. PPVs aren’t RAW. Who runs Smackdown amongst all this nonsense? Is there a third McMahon bairn quietly doing that and shaking his head at his daft warring siblings? Barry McMahon, the background wan. Kept off TV for decades because he’s got a birth defect that made a third ear grow on the middle of his forehead. Shane and Steph are running RAW together, even though Shane lost his match. Because reasons. Don’t ask questions, just listen to this 20 minute promo that tells us nothing new and button yer fuckin lip.

9. The main event felt huge…and ended up a bit messy

The match was excellent for the most part and I loved the phenomenal forearm table spot, but did it make sense having Roman lose the match twice before winning it? Even if its by countout then DQ, they’re still losses for a guy who’s supposed to be dominant and almost infallible. Seen folk raving about it and I kinda get why, the match was entertaining and made a mockery of fannies chanting “you can’t wrestle” at Roman because he held his own with one of the best on the planet, but I hate all that stop-start carry on. I hate that Gallows and Anderson got involved again and they’re keeping up this premise that somehow AJ manages to miss it every time they batter the guy he kinda needs them to batter. Its a wee bit convenient eh? Hopefully its leading to some Finn Balor based goodness but it seems a bit daft and leads to The Usos being involved in main events to even the odds which just isn’t what anyone needs to see. Sorry to the lads n that, they were once my guys and I still find them somewhat entertaining when they do wrestling things, but my god, how fucking boring are The Usos and when did that happen? Nae idea how you’d even change that either. Aside from a Jeremy Kyle type of bust up that reveals they aren’t actually brothers and they only look so alike cause Jimmy Uso is actually Marty Jannetty wearing a Jey Uso mask, there’s not many ways you could give them more of an edge. After all that excitement and AJ winning the match twice, it all ended a wee bit damply with a run of the mill spear for the win.