A Blog About Solving Common Relationship Dilemmas

It is far from the truth that families really like each other. Not all conversation and relationships are loving, easy and nurturing.

Family stress and differences affect celebrations and make holiday gatherings difficult in many families. In-laws that you may not particularly care for, relatives that you do not see often or know well, and changes in families because of separation, divorce or new partners can lead to unease and difficult times.

Planning ahead can help. “Forewarned is forearmed“, as the old saying goes.

Think ahead about the gatherings and imagine how they may go. Visualize the “best case scenarios” and the “worse case scenarios”. Set realistic expectations for them. Talk, plan and strategize with those you love most about how to help and support each other if things get difficult.

Here are a few other suggestions to consider as you plan for family holiday events.

Are you the host or hostess?

If you are the one who is in charge, you can have some control over the situation. Here are some ideas to make the experience the best that it can be.

1. Brush up on your own communication and conflict resolution skills. Find ways to keep your own cool. Learn some words and phrases to use that might ease tension. You will have to think of ones that fit your specific family situation and might include something like:

“We are all different in our ideas. Let’s not try to convince each other to change his or her thinking on this special day. We only see each other a few times a year. Let’s create good memories and appreciate what we do have in common and like about each other.” Then quickly offer a new idea for the conversation.

2. Take leadership before and during the event and set a positive tone.

3. Plan some kind of an activity or conversation starters.

Gather old family photos and get people to share stories. Keep the conversation light and find ways to reminisce about happy times.

Interview the oldest generation about their childhood memories.

Play a family trivia game.

Be creative as you think up ways to keep the conversation headed in a good direction.

We plan to turn our old videos to dvds for each family and watch a little old time television. We hope that all of the generations will get a smile from some of the clips of our childhood.

4. Enlist a few other trusted relatives as your aides to keep the conversation flowing in a good direction and deflect tension and stress.

5. Remember, when people talk about themselves, they generally feel appreciated and this might help them to be more positive with others. Spend time, or get one of your co-conspirators to spend time, with those relatives who might be more critical or difficult. Help them to feel special by showing interest in what is going on with them and in their life.

Will you attend rather than host events?

Find small messages to say to yourself to remember that you are okay and that winning an argument or “putting someone in their place” is not healthy for you in the long run.

Take leadership in your actions and your responses. Promise yourself that you will not get into arguments or take negative responses personally. (Is it more important to have family harmony or to win an argument?)

If there are relatives that bother or irritate you, find ways to politely avoid them. You don’t have to hang out with people that you do not like and with whom you do not get along.

Avoid divisive subjects. Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room. This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

Be positive and complimentary whenever you can. Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way. If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict. If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

Limit alcohol … or just don’t drink at all. You want to be able to leave the party with dignity and remember the positive ways that you handled yourself.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever. It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

You can create a positive or an acceptable time for yourself. You don’t have to let negativity and family tension overwhelm you. Stay in charge of your thoughts and your “buttons”. You cannot control what others say or do, you can be in charge of how you see, react or respond.

Take this quiz to find out if you are a candidate for experiencing holiday stress.

The holidays are upon us. For some, this is an exciting and wonderful time. For others it is dreaded and avoided where ever possible. For everyone, it can be a time of poor habits and self-care which quickly lead to holiday stress.

Too much to do and too many people to care for; or too little to do and too few people in your life can both add up to holiday stress and lead to physical, emotional or mental health problems.

Instructions for the holiday stress test:
To determine your score and see if you are a candidate for stress this holiday season, answer Yes or No to each of these questions.

Give yourself 5 points for each No statement on the holiday stress test.

I am able to be very realistic about what to expect from myself over the holidays.

I anticipate the holidays with genuine pleasure most of the time.

I know how to set a budget for holiday gifts and stick with it.

Christmas shopping and spending a lot of money on gifts are not the most important part of this season.

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Honor important old rituals and develop new ones. Rituals help promote a sense of well-being. Old ones can provide a sense of continuity through times of transition while developing new ones aids in accommodating to new situations.

Evaluate which rituals you want to keep and consider developing any new ones that might mark the positive things about you or your life right now.

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Do something for others. Putting your life’s situation in perspective can be helped by recognizing what others are experiencing. While their situation may not even be as difficult as your own, focusing on someone else and taking the focus off of yourself can be an important mental health antidote for the holiday blues. Besides, it feels good to help someone else and lift their own burden.

Bake cookies for neighbors. Adopt a family from an angel tree. Make some crafts and visit a nursing home. Invite a niece or nephew to a holiday program. Consider inviting those without family connections to your home for a holiday meal.

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Are you alone and lonely over the Christmas Holidays?
Do you look with sadness on those who seem to be happy with their lives and feel that yours is empty?
Do you dread the looming, empty New Years Eve?
Do the holiday blues seem stronger than ever before?

Holidays can produce a time of loneliness and sadness for many people who regularly experience the holiday blues.

What causes the holiday blues?

The causes of holiday blues are varied. Sometimes they are caused by childhood experiences which seem to always bring a pall of sadness over the season. No matter how you try to shake it, memories, smells, sights and sounds seem to bring on sadness.

*******************Jean could not understand why, but every time she smelt a cinnamon candle, she found herself feeling sad. She remembered that her mother always burned a candle over the holidays and they were not happy times for her.

Tom hated Christmas Eve. His father would always begin his celebration by drinking heavily and the family pretty much expected him to become abusive and angry for the rest of the holiday.
*******************

At other times, holiday blues are brought on by a change in life. Divorce or death of a spouse impacts in so many ways. Death of a parent or close friend can also be hard to handle at any time but especially over the holidays.

Moves from home, living alone, a change in health or friendships can also impact happiness and bring on the holiday blues.

Is the best strategy to beat the holiday blues to just keep your head down and plunge through?

Usually, that is not the best approach. There is no one right answer for how to handle the holiday blues but there are some strategies that can have an impact. We will be sharing them over the next few days. We would also be interested in your experiences so please share them here with all of us.

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About Us

We are two marriage and family therapists, married to each other and living in Louisville, Kentucky. We provide online as well as in person counseling for personal and relationship problems. Contact us and let us help you with your situation at CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com and Counseling Relationships Online.com.