Put your iPod on shuffle and list the first ten songs -- no substitutions, no mulligans, no ethnic cleansing, no awkward justifications of any guilty pleasures. Post your selections as a comment.
If you don't have an iPod, put your CD collection in a moving box, shake it around, and pick ten random albums. Also, rent a U-Haul and move to the new millenium. Apple has decreed that our entire musical identities will fit in a box smaller than an M16 magazine.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 16, 2006

1. TV on the Radio – “I Was a Lover,” from Return to Cookie Mountain

Now’s as good a time as any: my days here at “In the Mix” may be numbered. You see, my faithful readers and readerettes, Milt’s star is a star on the rise, and with his music video debut set to splash any day now, his trajectory is best described as “meteoric.” The song is “Wolf Like Me,” the band TV on the Radio, and though Milt is only an extra, he can’t help but think that stands for Extra-Talented. Check your local listings.

I won’t forget you. I won’t forget any of you. Especially you, Little Crippled Timmy: I did it all for you.

2. Deerhoof – “Lamour Stories,” from Apple O

Lamour? Yes, nothing says, “I love you,” like a Deerhoof song.

That being said, if I could get Deerhoof to play my wedding (the actual wedding, not the reception, where I’ve already lined up The Brothers of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, which is the actual brothers of Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer covering their brothers’ work), I would do it, Mrs. von Fünkdoctorspock be damned.

3. Outkast – “Y’all Scared,” from Aquemini

While Milt is plenty vociferous about his detestations for hip hop skits, a close second would have to be his disdain for guest spots on hip hop records. In a word: rampant! Hooking your peoples up is cute and all, but there’s a reason these people (in this case T-Mo, Big Gipp, and Khujo) don’t have their own records out. Need a hint? It has everything to do with talent.

How would you feel if on every other Walkmen song Hamilton Leithauser yielded the mic to Derrick Lovelace, a friend of his who fronts Ass of Bass, an Ace of Base cover band?

4. Otis Redding – “Any Ole Way,” from The Definitive Otis Redding

Here’s a conversation Milt doesn’t expect to ever have:

IDIOT: Do you know that one song by Otis Redding that isn’t very good?

BANG!

MILTON shoots IDIOT in the heart… assuming IDIOT has a heart, which he might well not.

MILTON: No such song exists.

5. Liz Phair – “Supernova,” from Whip-Smart

More like Whip-Stupid!

Oh no he didn’t!

I kid. I just wanted to say something snappy. So snap, bitches!

Sweet mercy Liz is hot.

6. Garbage – “Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!),” from Beautiful Garbage

By no means is Milt shallow, but he would sign off right now on marrying a girl who could rock this rock nugget as her theme song. Liz Phair, par example. Which sounds kind of shallow. And is kind of shallow. Except when you consider how deep Milt is, which is approximately the depth of Phil Donahue * Maury Povich.

7. John Baker – “Chino,” from BBC Radiophonic Workshop

Junk gave me this. Or was it Chip? I swear you white crackas all look the same.

“In the Spanish and former Portuguese monarchies, Infante (masc.) or Infanta (fem.) is the title given to a son or daughter of the reigning monarch who is not the heir-apparent to the throne.”

If Milt had $500,000 for every indie rock band that sang about the sons and daughters of reigning Spanish and Portuguese kings and queens who weren’t the heir-apparent to the throne, he could finally buy a Ferrari, which is his life dream.

Milt’s not one for lyrics, but if the Decemberists sang the lyrics of Death Cab for Cutie, they would be dead to me.