Why NOT “Come Out”? and An Announcement!

Last week, I wrote a post where I mentioned that I went to my first gay wedding for a close friend of mine, yet I have not “come out” to him yet as polyamorous. I also expressed some sadness that polyamory is not more accepted in today’s society. Thus I feel that I have to “hide’ in the shadows so to speak, and cannot openly express my love for two men the way the happy, gay (literally and figuratively) groom was able to do in Provincetown, MA last weekend. And let me say, seeing the acceptance and love that my friend and his homosexual new groom received in the fine year of 2014 was absolutely electric, filled me with joy and I am so incredibly happy for them! (and feel that moment may help illustrate that there may be more acceptance of us polyamorous folk in the future someday too – so a step in the right direction I hope, I hope).

One of my polyamorous Facebook friends had the following comment that she shared with me on the Interwebs:

Girl…Count the blessings you have with the two wonderful men that you love and love you in return. Tell your homosexual friend that you’re poly. You accepted and supported him when he came out, and if he’s a true friend, he will do the same for you. Out of my own irrepressible curiosity…Why are you keeping it a secret? What are you afraid of? — RO

A very valid point and wonderful question. Allow me to address it here…

First, I absolutely do try to count my blessings, so much so that I had an epiphany just under a year ago about that very point that helped me get out of a sad, depressing slump that I had been in for years. It dawned on me that focusing on the things in my life that were difficult, or on the losses, on the sad, isolating or UN-joyful things… was well… going to continue to make me depressed for as long as I kept choosing to do so. I was talking to a new friend (in Kentucky, RO!), and I realized that… wait a minute… I am doing this to MYSELF! There is so much to be HAPPY about! I needed the time and the space to grieve my losses, and I don’t think I could have had that epiphany until I was ready to have it. BUT when I did, I held onto it, I cherished it, and I started focusing on the GOOD STUFF, the happy stuff, as much as I was able to. Do I still have days where I cry or get seriously sad about this or that? Absolutely, and a lot of you have read about it here. But I am very definitely WORKING at focusing on the positive, and that includes the LOVE that I have for two wonderful (and handsome!) men, and I am lucky enough to have it in return.

Thank you, RO for the reminder! 🙂

Now on to the question of why I have not told my homosexual, good friend that I’m polyamorous and love two men…

The first almost two years of my polyamorous life, I was figuring out who I was, having a bit of an identity crisis / mid-life crisis, and was “trying poly on for size” so to speak to see if it was really where I was headed for realz-for realz. During that period, I told only my sister, and close friends who were also in alternative / open relationships. AND during this time, my homosexual friend was traveling, having gay adventures (pun intended), and was not around or available much. So I both was not ready to tell him, nor was he available.

When I started “coming out” on purpose to more and more people, first my homosexual friend was still not available due to living and working in another state, where he happened to also be meeting and falling in love with his groom-to-be. So no opportunity there.

THEN, he announced he was in love, moved back closer to me, but I only saw him in little spurts as he was introducing me to his groom, and I knew he wanted my approval. We had very little alone time and he was enjoying a homosexual, monogamous existence, which he was clearly happy about it. I thought the timing was wrong.

Then the marriage announcement followed, he asked me to sing at his wedding, and they were so excited. Telling him at that point would be more about me than them. I wanted them to have their moment.

If there is anything that I learned about “coming out” so far, it is that timing is very important as well as the words you choose. So patience can be key. I realized partly AFTER the fact that how you approach people and when – with what might be shocking information – is critical if you are trying to also honor the friendship, and keep things cope-ascetic.

So I am finally ready to tell him, now that he is married, and now that more time has passed, and he has expressed the desire to “be around more” and hang out. I honestly DO believe that he will be accepting, though I still think I will blow his gay, monogamous mind. 🙂 But as he trusted me so many years ago about telling me about his alternative lifestyle, I will entrust him with this knowledge. I will say though, that some of my friendships seem to have changed somewhat – and not for the better – with some of my monogamous friends after I “came out”, which saddens me. But I am what I am. And I am trying very hard to live an authentic, joyous, walk-to-the-beat-of-the-drum-that-makes-me-happy life, not worrying about what others think about me, especially if it is in a negative or judgy way. Kindly take your judgements somewhere else. I am happy with me.

On THAT note: I have been putting my money where my mouth is! I was given an invitation to submit a proposal to speak at the 4th International Conference on the Future of Monogamy and Nonmonogamy which is ironically on Valentine’s Day in Berkeley, California 2015. I pondered, reflected, decided to go for it, wrote up a proposal (with several references from some of my wonderful friends, readers and cohorts). They have accepted! Whoot! And I will be giving my very first presentation to the poly-curious community and the other wonderful attendees at the conference. I am thrilled at the opportunity to take my advocacy for tolerance and acceptance of alternative lifestyles a step further! And I thank all of you very sincerely for being there for me, accepting me, encouraging me and believing in my dreams!