I have a theory that infinity scarves are, in fact, alien creatures here to slowly take over the Earth in a calculated manner. (Stay with me. It’s winter in Michigan and I’m under stress, so I get weird, ok?) I resisted the things for a while because I’m not really a scarf person (except for when it’s below zero and screw that I’m wearing 17 scarves on top of 8 coats). I was gifted a homemade infinity scarf two years ago and I held it up like it was an alien creature.

“I love it! What is it?”

“It’s an infinity scarf.”

“Ohhhh.”

That was about it–the extent to which I thought deeply about the thing (except for how nice it was that my cousin made it for me! How awesome is that?)–and it hung on a hook for two years with my other pretty scarves I didn’t wear. I don’t know what to do with those things… I’d have to watch youtube tutorials on how to wear a scarf, and then I just feel stupid because I’d have to watch youtube tutorials on how to wear a scarf, so they all just hang together on a hook.

Over the last couple of years I have noticed a trickle of infinity-scarf-consciousness seeping into the masses. It probably started with the fashion industry, which I know nothing about (obviously–youtube…); and then flowed into the media and everyday people and stuff. The first instance that sparked my theory (forgive me, science people. I don’t know if I should be saying “hypothesis” or “theory” here, so I’m just going with “theory”.)(Sorry, I’m taking a science class right now so I’m all paranoid about sounding like I’m not sciency.) Anyway, the first instance was the movie Inside Out at the part where Riley is new in her class and Disgust says “We want to be friends with her, look at her she’s wearing an infinity scarf.” My first thought was “Oookayyy, I guess it’s good that Disgust said that, because we don’t want kids thinking superficially like that”. My second thought was, “infinity scarf?” Again, no deeper than that.

And then the hollow space developed that would soon house my theory.

I sit in classes with mostly young women, some guys, and a sprinkle of older students like me. As I looked around my classes–every single one–I saw infinity scarves on at least half of the women, and even on a couple of guys on campus. Today, it was as if they had multiplied and spread across the population. Now, I get their appeal–they are easy to wear and super soft and cute too…mostly.

It’s just that they are starting to get bigger, and looking more like abnormal growths than fashionably warm accessories. They aren’t just keeping necks toasty anymore, they are attaching themselves to chests and bulging unnaturally. I swear I saw one writhing on a girl’s chest and around her neck today! She had no idea!! I was about to yell out a warning like “Hey lady! Your infinity scarf! It’s trying to EAT you!!” but then it went back to sleep. I didn’t see any limbs or a face, but I wonder if those features are still dormant… And these things are getting bigger! I couldn’t even see one girl’s shirt or half of her arms because this infinity growth creature was smothering her! It was huge! Everywhere I turned I saw these alien-looking infinity scarves attempting to strangle and smother my fellow students. I was spinning on the spot and they were closing in on me like a horror movie. One girl was forced to only look up because her infinity scarf had crawled halfway up her face. They keep getting larger and people just keep wrapping them around and around more and more and more times until they can’t stop and get lost in the endless enveloping snare of the infinity alien creature’s infinite hollow space.

All I’m saying is, be careful people. Watch what you’re wrapping around you, because they’re coming to get us. If you find yourself drawn to an irresistible fabric loop that spans longer than your height, please take a breath and put the thing down very quickly. If you get it near your head it will be too late and you will be sucked into the infinite void and lost in the land of wrapping and wrapping and wrapping and wrapping around and around and then you will be gone. Gone. There will only be an infinity scarf in your place. Eventually they will wrap around the planet if we are not on high alert. These things are alien–not of the Earth. Be careful, people. Watch your winter wear very very very warily.