Thursday, June 26, 2008

Shear Genius, Episode One!

I wasn't sure if I would be recapping Shear Genius, but I thought I'd give it a try, at least getting in a couple of episodes before the return of Project Runway in a few short weeks.

For those of you who may not know, Shear Genius is Bravo's reality competition that pits hair stylist against hair stylist in a series of death matches presided over by the evil queen Jaclyn Smith and her tasty Danish pastry, Rene Fris. Ok, so there are no death matches and Ms Smith is still the gorgeous and sexy broad she was in Charlie's Angels, but I had to make it sound more exciting than it is, right?

The show starts off in the splendiferous Nexxus Shear Genius salon where Jaclyn and blonde Vietnamese head judge Kim Vo (it's extremely obvious that he's a master colorist and possibly his own best customer) await the entrance of the twelve stylists who are competing in season two. They are not disappointed, as in a moment, all of them rush into the salon.

Interspersed with scenes of them standing around in the salon bouncing excitedly, we see confidentials of the stylists as they reveal tidbits about themselves. We learn that Glenn has been a big fan of Kim for a long time. And Oshun gots the potion for the motion blah blah blah. Charlie doesn't give a flying f*ck if anyone likes him, plus he's ruthless and bitchy. (I know he's endearing himself to me already.) Parker's so fabulous, even his poo doesn't stink.

Enough with the blabbing. Let's get on with the first challenge, shall we? Because some people like to claim that they can do things with their eyes shut, the Short Cut challenge involves blindfolds and sharp cutting implements. Cleverly, the models enter wearing safety goggles. They have five minutes for consultation and then forty-five nervewracking minutes for butchery cutting. Kim will then judge on creativity and overall style. Plus he will nitpick everything.

I think Gail kinda looked like Robin.

The models were understandably nervous. Plus they had to guide the stylists verbally. "No, wait, that was my ear...." Matthew got his model to tell him how badly he cut himself. When told he was bleeding, he said, "don't worry, I don't have anything." Thanks so much for that reassurance.

During the mutilation cutting, we see more excerpts from confidentials with the designers. Meredith immediately rubs me the wrong way by telling the world how fricken cute she is. Not really. And Oshun is apparently really really deep.

After persnickety Kim examines every hair on every head, he pronounces Dee the winner of the challenge, with Nicole coming in second place. He then names all of the runners-up in order until he gets to Nekisha and and Oshun, trying to decide who he hates most. Oshun was annoying him by rhyming everything with his name as he was cutting so Kim gave him the stinkeye. Plus his haircut looked like a$$.

Oshun remarked, "the best always finish last. But I'm going to be first." Hmm...sounds remarkably like "not the best," to me.

After the Short Cut challenge, the stylists get to go to the place they'll be staying for the duration of the competition. There, we find out that somewhat scary-looking, Wolfmanlike Paulo wants to know who the house bitch will be and I suspect he wants the title for himself. And Oshun doesn't want to make friends because he is there to win. In other words, "I won't be here long enough to make friends."

He also, for reasons unbeknownst to me, sleeps with a cut-off leg from a pair of pantyhose on his head. Cute.

The next day the stylists head back to the Nexxus salon and meet their mentor, Danish hair guru Rene Fris and his interesting accent. He gets right to the nitty gritty: "For you firs elimination..." A celebrity 'do? Piece of cake! Wait...here come the models with photos of...cartoon characters! Marge Simpson, Lucy Van Pelt, Jem, Betty Boop, Judy Jetson, and Wilma Flintstone. In all possibility, Shear Genius viewers over the age of 30 have no idea who Jem is; viewers under the age of 30 struggle with the rest.

Stylists choose their models in the order in which Kim put them after the previous day's Short Cut challenge. They have 2 1/2 hours to work their magic, after Rene utters the magic words, "Go Shake It!"

Among many other things, including Oshun and Nekisa both f*cking up the dye and Matthew trying to cook all of the hair off his model's head, we see that Charlie chose to interpret Marge Simpson by making a "pubic-y" matte of hair. TMI that your pubes are both matted and blue, Charles.

When time was up, the models outfitted themselves appropriately in order to parade down the runway for the Hair Show in front of judges Jaclyn Smith, Kim Vo, Kelly Atterton, and an adorable hobbit named Neeko.

Both Dee's and Parker's version of Betty Boop were cute as can be. (That's Parker's, above.) And for the most part, everybody's hair turned out passably well. In other words, nobody's completely sucked.

Charlie's literal interpretation of Marge Simpson, Nekisa's grown-up Lucy, and Daniel's amazing Wilma Flintstone were singled out as the top styles, with Daniel taking the win.

Matthew's Marge Simpson looked a lot like MadTV's Bobby Lee in drag. Gail's Wilma was soggy-looking, and Oshun's Lucy was a mess that spoke nothing of its inspiration. Unfortunately for him, Oshun turned out to be a lot more shallow than he thought he was. Jaclyn told him to say his goodbyes and leave, at which he grumbled something about potions and commotions and stalked out the door in a huff.

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