anxiety

At the beginning of next school year, I’m going to implement an optional monthly mental health day for each of my children.

A day to recharge, rest, or catch up if they need it.

This will be a day that they can choose, and I will not question. The same theory as when a child calls and needs a ride home because no one is sober, you pick them up, no questions asked.

A mental heath day in my opinion is about safety, just as is the call to pick them up, no questions asked. It’s about promoting safety from stress, anxiety, and possible depression that can come from today’s school expectations.

I understand the other side of the coin is schools not getting their ADA money on a day that I allow my kids to check out for a mental health day. I’m sorry about that. But I’m really not. My kids give it their all, they put up amazing grade point averages. I got straight A’s on one report card in 5th grade. I don’t know where these three kids of mine came from, but they have a drive to succeed in school, and the numbers to back up allowing them to take one day a month if they need it.

I’ve read many articles recently about the anxiety and stress that school and homework can cause. To be very clear, I fully support my kids teachers. They have been amazing components in my children’s growth. In no way are my feelings of frustration over the stress that school can induce directed at them. I personally feel that the standards that are expected, and the workloads that come home are unrealistic and squeeze out many opportunities to live life outside of school.

So, in order to promote peace of mind in my children, I will give them a day in their back pocket to use if they are feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or just plain exhausted.

If one day can help to create a calm effect and a sense of support, I’m all in.

I am known as the OSHA supervisor of my family. I am always looking at what could go wrong with any situation, and I try to avoid the risks. Our friends joke that I don’t let my kids eat with forks due to the danger. I joked with them last week that we’ve moved onto sporks, but the weak almost bendable type!

I attribute my noticing everything partially to just who I am, and partially from risk management classes during college. Always be aware of what could go wrong, and prepare for it.

This has led me to constantly have my eyes open and scan the area, and unfortunately for me, often times I just can’t ever erase some of what I see once I’ve seen it. Here are four examples that come to mind right away:

1. Woman defecating in the parking lot in front of Toys R Us.

This past Saturday, I was working, and in between visits to care homes, I stopped at Michaels to pick up some more supplies and to eat my lunch while sitting in my car in the parking lot. As I was pulling into the shopping center parking lot, I noticed a woman walking on the sidewalk that was walking unsteady, and was overall disheveled. As I parked my car and started eating my lunch, I noticed the woman had turned into the parking lot. As I stared out of my front window blankly letting my mind wander, I noticed her stop in a row that had dirt on the inside, pull down her pants, squat, and start going to the bathroom. At this point, my head went back and forth, scanning the area to see if there was ANYONE ELSE that was seeing this!

CARS DROVE BY HER! I watched the drivers, no one seemed to pay much attention to the woman squatted and pooping 2 feet from where their car was driving by!!! I scanned my eyes more, and noticed a security guard, shooting the breeze while smoking with another guy, and it just so happened he was sitting on a shopping cart rail where a van was blocking his view of the woman pooping about 100 feet from him. WHAT. THE. HELL. She got up, pulled up her pants, and carried on. It was like I was getting Punked. It was also clearly not her first time doing this, because she didn’t miss a beat. Needless to say, my grocery store sushi roll did not get eaten.

I HAD to make this to show how it really went down:

2. Guy tying off his arm in two places whereas what I would assume to be in order to shoot up.

Thankfully, sometimes others see the things that I notice too. Although, it would have been nice if not everyone in the car would have seen this episode. Driving home from camping last week through a small farming town near the coast, right on the corner of a highway, no one else around, there was a man using his teeth and spare hand to tighten up a second elastic tourniquet on his right arm. My husband and I both gave each other this look:

Then the questions came from the 3 kids in the backseat. Lovely conversation that I never thought I’d have to have, about something I never expected to see.

3. Older man’s pre-batting softball ritual.

Again, I was very thankful that this next one was witnessed by another person. A friend who I will be able to text throughout life without needing much explanation as a description of this event. Our husbands play on a softball team together. A player from the other team got up to bat, approached the plate, and put the bat between his legs, and motioned it back and forth about 7 times before assuming his batting stance.

But, let’s just say, to be putting it very mildly, it was not A Rod that we were watching. And, it was not raining, nor wet outside. It was about 95 degrees and very dry.

4. Vomit at Disneyland’s World of Color show.

A few years back, when Disneyland’s World of Color outside water light show was new, we took the kids to see it as a last event of a very long day. The show started, and due to my love for fireworks and the like, I was super excited. Then, it happened. Someone about 5 feet behind me, in the middle of the walkway threw up. What happened next was mesmerizing. Within about 60 seconds, a Disneyland worker with a briefcase showed up. He took out a special package, unwrapped it and put on the gloves that were inside. Next, he unwrapped a special paper towel set and scooped up the mess, and placed it into a zipped container. Throughout this process, I swear I had the Bugs Bunny Looney Tunes factory song playing in my head:

He then got out a sprayer, and sprayed the ground, wiped it up with another special towel that he had unwrapped, and quickly shut his briefcase. And just like that, he was gone. I had my head rubbernecked behind me watching the detailed way that vomit was cleaned up at Disneyland for 5 minutes of the show. I can’t tell you what songs played during the show, or what was projected up onto the shooting water. But, I can tell you in detail the vomit clean up process. I looked around often to see if anyone else was watching with me. I even commented to my husband a few times, to which he clearly believed I was crazy to be so interested about the vomit clean up committee.

This is a very short list of the type of things I notice on an almost daily basis. It’s a gift and a curse to see so many things that others may not. And even though it’s most likely due to me being nervous and anxious that I am constantly casing my surroundings, at least I have some good stories!

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My phone call was made to the person that held the answers, to the person that I looked to for assistance.

Ten months ago I called 911 from my cell phone to report someone walking on the freeway in dark clothes while it was dark out. I was afraid the person would get hit by a car. Two weeks ago I got a call from the Public Defender asking me about this call (seriously?) because the person that I was worried for and called about, when picked up, was issued a DUI. My 911 call was to be used as evidence, and me as a witness for his client. I explained that’s all I know, I do not with to be involved any further.

A week ago I was subpoenaed to show up for the trial. 3 messages to the attorney, one letter hand delivered to his office by me, and one email later explaining I’m on vacation when I was asked to be there, no reply. Funny, he called right back when I first called him when he wanted something.

My subpoena states: “DISOBEDIENCE OF THIS SUBPOENA MAY BE PUNISHED BY A FINE, IMPRISONMENT, OR BOTH. A WARRANT MAY ISSUE FOR YOUR ARREST IF YOU FAIL TO APPEAR.’ Ya, not something I’m used to dealing with to say the least.

Yesterday I called the contact that was given to me when I visited the office ‘in case the attorney doesn’t call you back.’ I was hopeful as we began to speak that she may help me, and give me direction. That hope very quickly dissolved. As I began to explain my situation, she stopped me. She stated things such as “that’s how it is.” or “if you do not show up, the judge will issue a warrant for your arrest, it doesn’t matter that you don’t want to be there”, or “that’s how the system works, you have to know this.” She went on to tell me that if I cooperated (She must have used the word cooperated 15 times, no lie. I felt like I was on Sesame Street or something.) with my attorney that there may be a chance that he’d let me off for that day since they would be picking a jury, and then just call me for when I’m needed. What? I am obviously naive to court proceedings, I never thought it may be for more than that initial day that I was called upon.

As our conversation continued, and as I tried to get a word in edgewise to try and get guidance on what I am supposed to do, it happened. I heard my voice crack, and a tear or two came. That point where you are so frustrated, and so angry, and no one is helping you, and tears come. I was mad at myself, but whatever, I couldn’t help it at this point. I don’t need this shit in my life. As I continued to talk with this person, she began to berate me. “Why are you crying?” “I don’t understand why you are crying?” I continued to talk, almost dizzy from trying to process the mean, bullying tone that she carried out her words in. “What are you crying for?” “Are you crying?” Finally, my mind caught up to my body, and I said, “Stop patronizing me! You are very offensive.” She backed off a bit, but in this 10 minute phone call (checked my phone on that one), she was never in the realm of friendly or helpful, or even just neutral.

I pictured her sitting with the attorney that subpoenaed me that wouldn’t return my phone calls next to her while bullying me on the phone, giggling silently. That’s what it felt like. And then when I stood up for myself, it didn’t seem as fun to her anymore. I have never in my life been in a conversation like that, let alone in what is supposed to be in a professional setting.

I was so incredibly pissed when I got off the phone. About an hour later, I wrote an email to her, stating she doesn’t know me, nor why missing my vacation with my family would be so important to me. That I didn’t know her and who she must deal with every day. But that the way she talked to me was disrespectful and patronizing and I was offended. Before I pushed send, my husband brought up what if by sending that she makes this situation even harder for me. Good point.

So, instead, I called my oldest friend, and we had a laugh fest, talking about this person that we will never meet, and all the horrible things that we’d say to her if we ever did. All imaginary of course, but it was fun, and provided some laughter therapy that was desperately needed.

And then I came to write it here. To get it out of my head, because it’s eaten me up and exhausted me since yesterday. Which may be a partial reason that I left the keys in the ignition and locked my car when walking into the grocery store on my way home from working last night. Good Lord.

Amazing how appropriate this post I made the night before this horrible conversation is:

Make that 4 separate incidents over the past week now.

It’s too bad that people can’t remind themselves that the way they treat people, and the words they say really do matter. I’m not a hard criminal that this person may be used to talking to. I’m not a dumb little air headed woman though either. Nor am I weak. I was looking for assistance, guidance, and direction from a professional in a situation that I have no experience in, and instead I got patronized and bullied. Won’t happen again.

In terms of typical migraine triggers, I’ve had above my fair share. My stress level for a large portion of 2016 reached levels that I don’t believe I’ve seen before. That resulted in lack of sleep, lots of wine, chocolate, and definitely not eating as healthy as I have in past years, yet a decrease in migraines.

So, what’s working for me? The constant continues to be my daily anti-migraine smoothies, Butterbur with feverfew, and B-2. Same as the year prior where I had 9, and the year before that was my most migraines logged at 23. The year of 23 resulted in having multiple migraines per week. Each of my migraines last from start to finish: three days. So, you can see why having one in the past year, that’s pretty freaking awesome.

Maybe I’ve grown out of them. Maybe the lovely hormones that have come with me in my mid 40’s have assisted with keeping my migraines at bay. If so, I’m hoping those same hormones aren’t resting me up for some huge whopper of new crap in the future. Trying not to let myself get too anxious with that though.

My second birthday of my little blog here just passed yesterday. It’s definitely become somewhere that when I’m not writing about migraines, I’m expressing everything from my love of my cat litter box, to challenges with my kids, Pokemon GO, and a plethora of other stuff that no longer takes space up in my head once I write about it and click “post.”

Thanks for all the support I’ve been given over these past years! I’ve loved it, and I really appreciate when some of my words strike a chord and relate with others! Hope I’ve even gotten you to laugh a time or two! 🙂

Over the past two years, I’ve written 127 posts, and as a combination, those posts have been viewed 7,764 times. That’s wild man.

Hi, my name is Jenni, and I’m a 45 year old adult who is pretty heavily addicted to Pokemon GO.

Now before you dismiss me for that, read on, because I feel my reasons for loving this game are pretty solid.

First of all, let me put it out there, that my new “hobby” of Pokemon GO may be the nerdiest thing I’ve even been involved in. And this is coming from someone who used to be thoroughly excited to clip coupons from the newspaper ads on Sunday mornings and organize them into my Dollar Store accordion coupon pouch.

A couple of weeks ago I was volunteering at my 5th graders school, putting together first day packets. There were 4 moms there including me, and a couple of students. I nonchalantly, and rather fishingly asked, “So, do any of your kids play Pokemon GO?” And the response from two moms was “Yes, and so do I!” We talked Pokemon for the rest of the packet assembling with our Pokemon GO apps open on the tables.

Shut the front door. I’ve found my tribe.

When the game first came out and my son began explaining it to me, I told him, “Wow, that is an absolute brilliant app.”

He showed me this a day later, and it was hilarious (truly no political agenda here, just funny), and oh so true to what my friends were posting on Facebook about their kids walking their dogs and getting out of the house for walks and bike rides daily:

Then I started seeing seeing stories of the game’s therapeutic benefits, which as a Recreation Therapist, really spoke to me. Getting kids in hospitals out of their rooms, getting high anxiety, or isolative kids and adults out walking in their community…amazing.

My son told me I should download the app, I did, then I got hooked. Not sure why. I’ve never been into any game other than my tried and true Words With Friends. Our family does like to Geocache when camping, so maybe it’s because Pokemon GO is a bit similar to geocaching, in that you need to find things, and Pokemon GO has constant findings and rewards.

I have to admit there was a bit of nostalgia seeing all of the Pokemon names. My son loved Pokemon cards when he was young. I still vividly remember the time that he exclaimed, “Mom! I have coughing and wheezing!” To which I of course replied “What? Are you ok? When did that start?” Turns out he had Koffing and Weezing Pokemon cards that he just got out of his new deck.

Back to present day, I don’t know about your house, but in mine, having two teenagers and one preteen, conversations can be sparse at times. I have awesome kids, but sometimes, the dialogue can have constant splashes of attitude. For now though, it’s not uncommon while playing Pokemon GO, to hear one sibling say to another “I just evolved my Caterpie into a Metapod, look at how cute and funny he is!” A whole new non confrontational language and conversation piece.

This has been a new activity that I can share with my kids. We all enjoy it, and are all super interested in it. Most days after I pick them up from their schools (an hour event to get all 3 from 3 separate schools), we head somewhere for about 1/2 hour to an hour to play Pokemon GO together, usually enjoying a smoothie along the way rather than just heading home eventually ending up in our separate activities or interests after recapping our days. Recently, when we go somewhere new, or out of town, we talk about being excited for what Pokemon may be there. (I know, nerdy, but hey, I’m good with nerdiness.) Being able to have fun doing something together with my 16 year old son, my 13 year old daughter, and my 10 year old daughter is truly awesome. I don’t know how long the thrill of this game is going to last for all of us, but I’m going to enjoy it while it’s here.

I posted the following on my Facebook page a few weeks back:

“I totally thought this was funny when I read it. Then I started thinking about it, running around finding ‪#Pokemon‬ is a break from the crazy that is needed for a moment.”

Honestly, life gets hard. Scary stuff happens, and things get stressful and hard to handle. A check out from reality is needed and welcome sometimes. This app allows me to decompress, to mindlessly look for cartoon characters to pop up, and get excited about new ones I haven’t caught before. In all honesty, it combats my stress and anxiety at times by being able to go on auto pilot for a bit.

Last night, my husband was out of town, and I took my 3 kids out to dinner downtown, where we were all excited to go because there’s a lot of Pokemon GO action! As we were leaving the restaurant, a couple who was sitting outside watched us as we walked by and judgmentally said, “they are all looking at their phones.” These are the times where I believe I need a shirt made with the motto that I tell my kids sometimes when they get concerned about others, “You Do You.” Basically, mind your own business, worry about yourself, you don’t know what other people are going through.

Frankly, if catching a Squirtle, Leveling Up, or having three of the four of us in a frenzy while in the car taking turns to try and catch an Arcanine that has ??? as the CP value brings me or my family joy, I’m all in.

The glory of being 45 and having this hobby, I honestly don’t care what anyone else thinks. Although, let’s be truthful, I’m not going to put a Poke ball on my purse or anything, it’s just that I can’t care about what people don’t understand.

What about when you leave where you traveled and are sad to go home? What is that called?

Almost like being homesick for somewhere that’s not your home.

Each time we leave a vacation in South Lake Tahoe to go home, I feel sad.

South Lake Tahoe’s community ranges from hippy, to addictively active, and I can find myself within all areas of that spectrum.

I think both my husband and I secretly regret not moving there when our kids were young enough to have not made the awesome community that we have in our home town. Each year we go there for a family reunion camping trip, and he and I end up talking about how we could actually live there. There is no other location we’ve ever said that about.

This trip though, the day before we packed up our campsite to head back home, while sitting on my paddle board floating on the lake, I got sad to the point of tears. As I looked back towards the shore with the mountains in the background, I got that homesick feeling.

Why was this trip so much harder to come back from? Just to list a few possibilities:

An escape from our reality that lately has more challenges than in past years.

Bike riding to have Rum Runners at the Beacon in Camp Richardson where the leader of the live band introduced himself before playing during our lunch and letting us know that they were about to “fill up our funk cup.”

Spending each day on the beach watching my kids play, as well as myself playing in the water for hours.

Mountain bike trails everywhere you look.

Hiking trails everywhere you look.

My son’s favorite disc golf course.

The endless possibilities of opportunities to fill our time.

Finding even the scene looking out the window from the coffee shop relaxing and not want to leave:

Not sure which one it was, or a combination of all.

I do know it’s the only place my husband and I have talked about wanting to live other than where we do. I think I felt more sad because as the years go by, my age goes up. That whole YOLO, well, when you have 3 kids, a husband, and what has become a small petting zoo of a farm in addition to work and friends and family, you don’t just get to pick up and go.

I get worried that the older we get, if we ever get a chance to live there, we may not be able to do all of the wonderful active things that we could at our age now.

Tahoe is a special place. I’d love to be a part of it daily. I know as I was sad driving home I should have had the outlook that I am lucky to get to go there at all. But that little bit of individuality in me that is still left, which has a bit of selfishness in it, wants more.

As I turned up the beginning drum riff of ‘”Hot for Teacher” to the max volume on the drive home, a thought came to my head. (I got to ride home in my car by myself due to having to drive extra hours to pick up our new puppy. It was a slice of heaven.) The thought was, ‘Well, if I have to wait 10 years until even entertaining the possibility of living in Tahoe, I better work on staying in shape in order to still be able to do the things I love about Tahoe in 10 years.’

And, that right there was enough to get me out of my funk. It didn’t fill my funk cup up. No, that requires Rum Runners and a cool Motown/60’s/70’s live band while sitting outside with the lake as the backdrop. Or at the very least, Rum Runners. But, my funk was lifted.

Then, on to home, where I was happy and grateful for all that I have. Yet, the thought of Tahoe living still danced through my head often. And, come to find out, obviously in my husbands head as well, as he told me about how expensive homes are in South Tahoe on Realtor.com. Oh, I’m sure in 10 years it will be more affordable right? Ha!

Who knows what life will bring. Wanderlust may bring me to a day where being homesick for South Lake Tahoe may actually mean being homesick for my actual home.

And here is a moment that was definitely not the reason I was sad to leave Tahoe:

My husband had stitches in his hand and could not empty the trailer. My one and only time ever.

There are not enough Clorox Wipes, nor hand sanitizer for the aftermath of this task.

As I was thinking today about one of those layers a little voice inside my head said “you are a fighter,” and I thought, I am a fighter. And then that little voice inside my head said “you are a problem solver,” and I thought, I am a problem solver.

Just this last weekend I was laughing with my almost 16 year old son about a computer game we used to play together called Pajama Sam. Worst game ever, because even with a college degree, I could not solve the problem of finding the last vegetable person (what the heck was that game anyhow?) and we never beat the game. I can picture this game in my head with 100% accuracy as I write this, and there’s a part of me that may go look for the CD ROM and see if I can solve it today.

Worst game ever.

When that little voice inside my head decided to talk and say that I’m a fighter, and then, that I’m a problem solver, the lightbulb went on, the sky opened up a bit, and things made sense to me. I AM a problem solver. I can’t handle things just dangling, hanging unsolved. I’ve always been a ‘why’ person. Call it needing to know, or even suspicious until I know the reason behind some things. I’m a thinker. I can get lost in spinning on a thought or a problem. It’s not always a good thing. Over the years I have learned to not waste valuable brain space for things that aren’t important to solve or to get to the bottom of.

But, some things in life right now, they need a solution. And unlike Pajama Sam, I will stick with it until I come up with the right fit solution. That’s the fighter. When things matter, you don’t give up until they are right. I think that in order to be a good problem solver in life, you also have to be a fighter, so you never give up.

Oh, and sorry in advance if you aren’t able to get ahold of me for a while, look what I found…

Obviously, sarcasm is involved, yet, if you google anything and migraine trigger, I’m sure it will be found somewhere. Migraines are not choosy.

That leads me to my anxiety induced panic filled web search and phone calls of this afternoon following a regular visit to my natural foods store where I get the arsenal of my anti-migraine potion.

When I went to purchase Butterbur, they were out. Not only out, but not sure when they will be getting any more in. Apparently, there is a problem with the butterbur crop or something? What the what??!! Ok, how about Feverfew? Nope, out of that too.

Looked online, found my brand easily on a website….out of stock/backorder.

Called around and found a store that carried Butterbur about 15 miles from me. I’ll be going to pick it up tomorrow. I’m nervous if it is a different brand. I’m certainly a creature of habit, and I don’t need any slight change to create a reaction in me. But more important, I don’t want anything to change in my anti-migraine potion, along with my daily anti-migraine smoothie. Because 233 days migraine free is amazing. And I’m not sure which cog of this machine is making it work, but I’m not going to screw any of it up.

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Lately, it seems that there are too many emotional layers in my head. I’m picturing it like the way we learned about rocks and land, where there are layers upon layers built upon each other.

Yet, unlike land, in my head, there is a definite limit to the amount of layers that can be built. When the layers in my head have reached the top, even the smallest piece of dust that lands on the top layer seems to be too much.

I was subbing last week, and while in the lunch room with friends, tears built up in my eyes while I was in the process of figuring out a plan for the afternoon. I was figuring out where my kids would be going in multiple directions when I had to be somewhere else. Not a big deal. Everyday, normal decision making. I’m not a cryer, especially in front of other people. I tried to shake it off, and gave myself a quick ‘Pull it together!’

Yet, it was the dust on top of the layers.

That’s happening lately. Normal things that aren’t big things at all, at times have a big effect on me.

All I can figure, is that I need to get rid of some of those lower levels of crap that take up space in my head.

Many of these layers seemed to have just shown up, and taken up residence, I haven’t even really been aware that they moved in! And like current home and tenant laws, after a short time limit of being there, even if they don’t belong, it’s a battle to get them out.

I need to make myself clear, I am not suffering from anything. I have close friends that are going through crazy times. Yet, here I am, my mind not able to take a piece of dust on top of the layers.

After talking to a friend recently, I wonder if a part of it has to do with being in my 40’s.

This seems to be an in between time.

My kids aren’t young, they don’t need me in the same ways that they used to, yet they aren’t around the corner from leaving the nest quite yet. We’re in the midst of teenager years which brings it’s own challenges. (Note: Challenges is a very nice, PC word to use for some teen parenting experiences.)

40’s is finding good friends sick. Horribly sick.

By our 40’s, most of us have been married a long time, and as I look around, it’s bringing some divorces.

40’s seems to be an in between time.

These 40’s things may be contributing to the layers in my head that are already there from my own life experiences.

But, I can see around the corner. Resilience will bring experience to this in between time, and maybe then the layers will start to lift.

Although, as I chip away at those layers in my head that by now probably have fossils in them, I believe for the time being my motto will be this:

Just keeping it real. Shoulders go down a bit in tension, and a small smile comes across my face as I take a sip while making dinner.

It may not chisel the layers, that’s going to take some work, but I do believe it helps me with the dusting.

Yes, my area code is 209, but I’m more focused on representing day 209 of no migraines.

I was super nervous to celebrate day 200, or even really acknowledge day 205, which is where my largest migraine free streak up until now had ended.

Yet, here I am. Day 209. No kaleidoscope eyes, no dullness for 48 hours with the fear of standing up too quickly for reasons other than a fire due to the extreme headache pain for TWO HUNDRED AND NINE DAYS! Anti migraine smoothie? Butterbur? Feverfew? B-2? Plain luck? Don’t know the reason. Just thankful.

I wrote on day 197 that I was nervous about going to Vegas, that partying like a rock star (although, let’s be honest, my version of partying like a rock star is likened more to that of a 90 year old rock star these days), but honestly, I was nervous that enjoying multiple cocktails for a couple days in a row may bring on a migraine.

A couple days before our trip, I woke up in the middle of the night and told my husband I didn’t want to go to Vegas. Not because of my fear of it triggering a migraine, I just wasn’t feeling it. When I booked the trip months ago, which was anchored by purchasing tickets to see Billy Idol, I was in a Hell Ya! mood, a kick ass Let’s Do This! mood. I haven’t been feeling that mood lately. And the more experience I have at this living life thing, the more I have to listen to that voice that says “I don’t want to do this” and go with what feels good.

So, we went to Tahoe. Familiar, relaxing, beautiful, with some cocktails mixed in there too. The gambling gods even gave me a shout out to let me know that I was right to listen to my inner voice and go with what feels good by giving me this: