Dysfunctional Executivehttp://dysfunctionalexecutive.com
When life goes all bendy on youTue, 25 Sep 2018 00:54:25 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.9150652545Getting My Shit Together – Starting a New Bullet Journalhttp://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/24/getting-my-shit-together-starting-a-new-bullet-journal/
http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/24/getting-my-shit-together-starting-a-new-bullet-journal/#respondTue, 25 Sep 2018 00:53:13 +0000http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/?p=120I like lists. And taking notes. My brain is a sieve, and unless I write something down, there’s a pretty good chance it will be completely erased from memory within a very short period of time. I’m strangely good at memorizing numbers and cramming for tests, but the information doesn’t get retained. Knowing one’s own weaknesses is an important skill in life, I find, and with the brain fog that goes hand-in-hand with autoimmune issues, dysautonomia and hypersomnia, I have valid excuses. So there.

So, my birthday was this past weekend – and when my mom asked what I wanted, one of the things on the list was a Leuchtturm1917 dotted notebook. Purple, of course. I have purchased exactly one before and absolutely loved it. More recently, I tried out the Passion Planner – and while their worksheets were handy and I liked the concept, I found that it was way too rigid for my needs. I want a place I can take notes on ALL THE THINGS and go back and reference them easily. I still need to work on a regular review process, but that’s another matter for another blog post.

Anyway. My mother is a fantastic woman and in addition to a book I really wanted and a starter electric guitar with amp and two months of online lessons, I got my beautiful purple notebook! Now, I get – and like – the concept of actual bullet journaling, but I’m not at all good at being all creative and artistic and putting together super useful and pretty bullet journals like this one:

… But there’s no place to start like today! I used to like to draw. Never doodling, really, but drawing. And when I rearrange my house with any seriousness (which used to be pretty frequently), I measure everything including the furniture, draw it all out on graph paper, and cut the stupid things out so I can actually move things around tangibly. There’s probably something wrong with me.

My life is in need of complete redefinition and reorganization, and a new bullet journal seems like a useful next step in documenting and tracking things. The combination of my birthday and the autumnal equinox (and a full moon, to boot) seems like a pretty good place to start a new journal, as well! Let’s make some magic, baby. And holy cow, there are as many tutorials on starting a damned journal as there are weeds to pull. I’d start with the bullet journal creator’s no-frills guide that covers all the bases. Beyond that, just search for “starting a bullet journal” and take a deep breath.

The Leuchtturm comes with 3 index pages built-in, some perforated pages at the back, a little pocket on the inside of the back cover for loose notes or whatever, and seriously fantastic paper that good pens don’t bleed through. That is definitely my recommendation for a journal if you’re going to start one, but a lot of people use Moleskine and they work just fine. They also have the benefit of coming in a bunch of different sizes.

In regards to pens, that’s absolutely a matter of preference, as well. Use a standard Bic ballpoint if you’re happy with that! I like lots of colors and more of a fine felt-tip feel, so Staedtler Triplus Fineliner are my preferred pens.

… And with that, I’ve stalled enough! Time to get started on my own new journal. One of my top goals for the short-term future? This beauty, which has given us much joy over the past many months and whose owner will likely be parting with her at some point. Meet Amethyst, the 2016 Dodge Charger R/T. And shut up, I’m allowed to have a mid-life crisis car. Besides, this baby consistently gets 25+ mpg with a Hemi AND has ample room for us and our stuff – so there.

]]>http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/24/getting-my-shit-together-starting-a-new-bullet-journal/feed/0120Messages From the Universehttp://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/18/messages-from-the-universe/
http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/18/messages-from-the-universe/#respondWed, 19 Sep 2018 01:16:12 +0000http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/?p=105Life is weird. Really, really weird. Probably more so because I tend to see the mystical in the mundane and there is almost literally NOTHING normal in my world, but whatevs. Life is weird. LOL

So, I tend to keep my eyes and ears open for messages from what I call “The Universe”. God, Goddess, The Divine, Spirit, whatever you call it – I see meaning and symbolism in a lot of things. I’ll share with you a few of the more noteworthy ones I’ve come across over the past week.

Sunday morning, as I was walking and thinking to myself, I came across a Jaguar badge – one of those metal things on cars that shows the brand. Funny thing, one of the things I had been thinking about that morning and over the days prior was the black jaguar (or black panther). It is one of my spirit animals, along with a white horse. Yeah, yeah, save me the laughs over stereotypes and woo-woo shit – these were hard-earned and have played pretty prominent roles in my reality for many years.

Anyhow. Along with that, my ex-husband and mystical teacher messages me today with a picture of a black panther from some signage at a conference he was at. He remembered the black panther thing for me and something told him to reach out and send that picture. Keep in mind that we don’t really talk much, and I had not told him or social media about the recent panther thing (or even thoughts).

Messages like that make me pay attention, and are things that I consider to be pretty solid guidance from wherever. Thanks, universe, I’ll do a little more reading up on black panthers and work on embracing that energy in my world. LOL

The second substantial recurring message is a book / author. The author’s name is Bruce Lipton, and the book that keeps coming up is The Biology of Belief. There’s an audiobook I’m also supposed to listen to, but that might be a little more challenging to fit in – The Wisdom of Your Cells. One or the other of these books or the author himself have been mentioned by I think 5 separate people over the course of the past several days, which leads me to think I should probably read the damned book.

The last recurring message is a little less profound, but it stuck out nonetheless – and seemed apropos for where my life is at right now! Considering I haven’t heard it on the radio in a long time and now I’ve heard it at least 3 times over the past few days, I’ll at least consider it a nice message and positive affirmation about my path. And it’s just a great song, which I’ll never complain about. From one of my favorite albums ever, Throwing Copper, here’s Lightning Crashes, by Live – you can find it on Spotify or Amazon Music, or here’s the video:

]]>http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/18/messages-from-the-universe/feed/0105Ode to a Lost Lovehttp://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/17/ode-to-a-lost-love/
http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/17/ode-to-a-lost-love/#respondMon, 17 Sep 2018 16:12:46 +0000http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/?p=38… It almost feels like nature,

but for the concrete bench

sounds of construction

cars

people

But the flowers are pretty, at least

And i’m alone for a moment

here with my thoughts

and a pen

There’s a battle being waged

in my soul

love is beautiful and terrible and

Oh, goddess, it hurts to breathe

I wasn’t ready for this to end

but I suppose that’s how it usually works

I understand, and part of me thinks

this is the right choice

this is better for both of us

I never really made you happy anyway

And the other part just hurts

and is angry

and sad

and lost

How could you??

After all the conversations

all the measured thoughts

and careful choices

We started building a castle

it was going to be so beautiful

and we felt safe for a moment

Home

… and then you took it away.

Before we even had a chance

to try

You saw the real

and it terrified you

So you ran

I want to call you a coward

but I understand

I’m terrified too

And I thought I could trust

in you

… silly me.

I guess I’m stronger than most

only because I have to be

Who will be strong for me?

Whatever.

This too shall pass.

Thank you for the time we shared

the laughter

the love

the memories

You’ve helped me grow, and become

stronger

wiser

calmer

You were careful not to promise

anything

so I guess I should have known

Go fly, little bird

Find your wings

And I’ll find mine again

]]>http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/17/ode-to-a-lost-love/feed/038I’m a Messhttp://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/07/im-a-mess/
http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/07/im-a-mess/#respondSat, 08 Sep 2018 01:09:38 +0000http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/?p=36I’m an almost 40-year old woman. What do I want from life? What have I been missing out on or compromising on or giving up? The answer is quite a lot, I suspect…

This is an interesting crossroads and quite the trial. What do I WANT to do? I feel like my time here isn’t done, but I’m not completely sure why. The obvious answer is that this community I keep seeking so desperately is right in front of my nose, and I just need to step outside my shell.

I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t feel safe with people, and I am constantly awkward. I connect very easily, but it never goes beyond a certain level of vulnerability. My veneer of strength, humor and compassion keep people just far enough away that I don’t actually have to connect. Everyone I’ve ever known has left; why would I want to actually connect on that level with anyone again?!

… But that’s ridiculous, and I know it. I’m just afraid. Afraid of rejection, of abandonment, of not being enough, of a zillion stupid things. Afraid of pain, I suppose. But pain is a part of life. Pain brings life. You cannot have one without the other. I’m just a fucking pussy. LOL

And there I go again, being harder on myself than I have any right to. We all have fears, and pain, and scars, and baggage. We all make things bigger than they actually are. And we all fuck good things up because of it.

I want desperately to run. To hop in my van (which is currently not running and in Pulaski, VA) and drive off into the sunset and not give a flying fuck about anything except me and my girls. There’s a job at an auto shop waiting for me in a quiet little town where I can see the stars and breathe clean air and not worry about a damn thing – and that sounds pretty nice right about now.

… But that’s not what my girls want. And that’s probably not what I should do.

What about going back to Oregon??

Well, I may not have much of a choice on that one. If it turns out I need surgery, I’m kinda fucked. I can’t be without income for a few weeks – or at all. I literally can’t do it on my own. That’s a tough thing to admit, but apparently that’s one of the lessons I’m learning. LOL None of us can.

I’m sitting at a bar while I’m writing this, and the song the band just played was “I’m a mess”. ROTFLOL

]]>http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/07/im-a-mess/feed/036The Saga of Bertie the Previa – Part 2http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/02/the-saga-of-bertie-the-previa-part-2/
http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/02/the-saga-of-bertie-the-previa-part-2/#respondSun, 02 Sep 2018 12:59:48 +0000http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/?p=29Well, Bertie is still with us. Yesterday was a little more interesting than planned, and we are currently in a lovely hotel room in Pulaski, VA – the Jackson Park Inn. What a lovely surprise this place is! But why are we in Pulaski, you might ask? (Or at least Caitlyn did the morning…)

Before we left, I had to change the brake pads, as they had started grinding badly on the left side. What should have been a relatively easy job ended up taking several hours and almost killing us – literally, as the car fell off the jack stand. And then we were only able to get the one horrible pad replaced on one side, the caliper wouldn’t slide back down with both new pads in. That was Universal Warning #1. But whatevs, it was enough to get her to her new home…

The journey yesterday started out with one last quick oil change and then a stop near Frederick, MD to pick up the seats that the new owner wanted. Met another Previa fanatic, Charlie, who was pretty great – and excited about our lovely unicorn (which is what the S/C AWD Previas are known as)! He wanted the car pretty badly, but the people down south were driving several hours to meet me, and I’m a nice person. So we headed out for real. Universal Warning #2.

Our first stop for gas was in Winchester, VA (I think). Holy moly, Virginia is a big state, apparently. Or maybe I’m just crossing it the long way. Anyhow, we had an absolutely hilarious checkout guy, who asked us where we were going. I told him, and he yelled instantly, “Don’t go!!” … Which was really weird and we thought just part of the comedy act. Apparently that was Universal Warning #3. There are more bizzare details there in retrospect, but we’ll go into that another time.

The Shenandoah Valley and Blue Ridge Mountains are a beautiful part of the country! There are some definite elevation changes and a long climb during part of it. Apparently it was too much for Bertie’s tired old heart, as about 20 miles north of Dublin, VA the check engine light came on, she started dinging a warning, and we pulled over on the highway. Overheated.

Fortunately, my mom taught me to always be prepared on long drives – and I had a fresh bottle of coolant to refill her with. Driving carefully, we managed without getting quite into the red to get to a gas station and Taco Bell in Dublin, where we ate a lovely gourmet Mexican dinner, the intended recipient of the car bailed, and we found a nearby hotel. Which is where we are now.

Advice from the Toyota Previa forum on Facebook that I’m a member of ranges from just the thermostat to blown head gasket (which is a common problem on these cars). There’s an auto parts store nearby that hopefully has one in stock for me, and maybe I can even get really lucky and find a mechanic who’s willing to work on Sunday of a holiday weekend! Or just a nice someone to help me out. LOL

Not sure when or how we’re getting home yet, but I’ll keep you posted. It’s at least been an entertaining trip so far, and Caity is getting good material for her college entrance essays? *laughing maniacally* Also, this town early on a Sunday morning is SUPER WEIRD and feels like we’re in a post-apocalyptic movie.

Stay tuned for the next episode of… THE SAGA OF BERTIE THE PREVIA!!! (Or, “The Adventures of Super Pickle”)

Read Part 1 here…

]]>http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/02/the-saga-of-bertie-the-previa-part-2/feed/029The Saga of Bertie the Previa – Part 1http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/01/the-saga-of-bertie-the-previa-part-1/
http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/01/the-saga-of-bertie-the-previa-part-1/#respondSat, 01 Sep 2018 12:17:20 +0000http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/?p=17I had intended to spend a little more time writing this post, but alas, we are nearing the time for departure…

Caitlyn (my almost-grown-up daughter) and I are headed out on a road trip in a few minutes! We’re headed to Knoxville, TN to trade Bertie – our 1996 Supercharged, AWD Toyota Previa – for a 1987 Mercedes 300SDL (aka turbo diesel). I love Bertie – and Previas – but she needs a little more time and love than I can afford to give her right now! I’m excited to see what her new mechanic owner does with her. Here’s our path; if you’re somewhere along the way, let me know and we’ll try to stop for a quick cup of coffee!

For those who don’t know me, I love working with cars. Caitlyn is starting to learn as well, and we’re looking forward to having a project car – but hopefully one that’s a little more reliable as a daily driver! I’ll share some of our mechanical adventures, future and past, as time allows.

… For now, though, it’s time to head out! First stop: Frederick, MD, to pick up a set of third row seats that someone has for $20. We’ll share pictures and stories as we are able.

]]>http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/09/01/the-saga-of-bertie-the-previa-part-1/feed/017When You’ve Reached Your Limithttp://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/08/22/when-youve-reached-your-limit/
http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/2018/08/22/when-youve-reached-your-limit/#respondWed, 22 Aug 2018 05:30:18 +0000http://dysfunctionalexecutive.com/?p=5… Sometimes, it’s not any one big thing that tips you over the edge. It just… happens. One minute you’re getting by, and the next it’s just too much.

I don’t usually write posts complaining about how I feel. Actually, I never do. I’m not big on complaining. In fact, this might actually be my very first complain-y post ever! Yay me!

Why now, you may ask? (Or probably not, ‘cuz you have your own shit to worry about…)

Because I’ve Reached My Limit at the moment.

The Limit is different for each of us, I think, and it’s perhaps easy to dismiss someone else’s Limit as foolish, or silly, or weak. As a single mom who grew up Oregon pioneer tough with a single mom and later a Marine stepdad who became our family doctor, who herself went on to study martial arts and train horses for a living and all sorts of other crazy things… I DON’T DO WEAK.

But as I’ve gotten older and life has caught up with me (with a vengeance), while I’m incredibly resilient and strong in certain ways, I have become physically weak. I’ve gone from feeling nearly bulletproof to hurting all the time and being quietly terrified of what tomorrow will bring. I’ve obtained a few emotional scars along the way as well, and am sometimes weaker than I’d like in that area, too.

It’s a long story that I’ll go into elsewhere, but here are the highlights of some of the diagnoses I’ve received over the past few years:

Ehlers-Danlos

Fibromyalgia

Idiopathic hypersomnia

Arthritis in a bunch of places

Trigeminal Neuralgia

PTSD

These are fun and wonderful things that cause me substantial amounts of physical discomfort, usually at a manageable level but sometimes to the point that I pretty much can’t do anything else but go inward and try to manage the pain.

Today is one of those days.

I’ve Hit My Limit, physically and mentally and emotionally, and am in a full-blown flareup. The entire left side of my body is in a variety of states of pain – I’ll spare you the details, but the short version is that most things feel like they’re either on fire or broken. Only they’re not, it just feels that way. I’m so exhausted that walking up a flight of stairs leaves me feeling like I’ve run a marathon. My digestion has slowed to a standstill so I can’t eat much, but that’s okay because I’m not really hungry anyway. I can’t really see straight, or think straight, or drive safely, or do anything a working mom needs to do – but I have to anyway because it’s just me and I don’t have an option and what would I do anyway, give up?!

A drink or three will help the pain, which is good because nothing else does. I’m a genetic non-responder to opiates, so all they do is make me itchy and give me insomnia. I used to smoke pot, but in addition to that not being legal here, somewhere along the way I developed a thing called Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome and now it just makes me hurt worse and vomit for hours. NSAIDs don’t seem to do much of anything for me and I’m also prone to GI bleeding with them. So meditation or alcohol it is, even though I know I probably shouldn’t drink the alcohol because it will just encourage a longer-term cycle of inflammation. Eh, whatevs. It helps now, and sometimes that’s enough. I take gabapentin daily now too, which helps a little.

Speaking of thinking and driving, it becomes a problem when I hurt too much to do anything. Or think. Or drive. Employers don’t really like that; go figure. I’ve somehow managed to build a pretty damned decent career in the tech world even without the benefit of a college degree, but that’s suddenly looking questionable in light of my inability to attend work consistently.

To add insult to injury, I recently dislocated my collarbone whilst LITERALLY SLEEPING, which makes it extra challenging to both drive and work on a computer all day. Not to mention sleep, which is already at a constant deficit for me. Oh, and it’s not healing despite lots of physical therapy and keeps constantly dislocating, which means I’ll need surgery. I went to the beach on vacation last week, and realized I can’t do jack shit anymore! I can’t even swim. I am realistically facing a future in which I am pretty fucking physically limited. That’s a hard pill for me to swallow.

I could keep going, but I won’t. I’m already annoyed with myself.

But… just to end this on a solidly hypocritical note, I am aware – and will happily preach – that no woman (or man) is an island. Being sick, being tired or overwhelmed or stressed out, doesn’t make us weak. While we may be physically weak, or feel emotionally weak, all that really means is that we’ve Hit Our Limit – and that’s different for everyone, and even for each person from day to day. Sometimes we sit there for a minute, and sometimes we get stuck there for a long time. We need community, and support, and love and acceptance – from ourselves first. Sometimes those all seem pretty hard to come by.

And sometimes we find strength and grace in the most unexpected moments, and support in the most unassuming people.

With that, I’m going to go cry in the shower and try to muster up the energy to face another day. Many thanks to my own little community; I’m sorry for being such a pain in the arse and not being better about asking for things when I need them – that’s a lesson that’s hard for some of us to learn.

If you’ve Hit Your Limit and need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. Chances are, I’ve been there – or somewhere sorta like it – and can offer at least a compassionate ear. Or threaten to hide the body, or help you fight the medical system, or what have you.