The Boss vs. the Bawse: Who's Better, Bruce Springsteen or Rick Ross?

[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Rick Ross is a portly MC. Bruce Springsteen is a canonical singer-songwriter who once got a lot of compliments because of his ass. Both are known as The Boss, although with Ross it's more fun to spell it The Bawse. He recently rolled through town, while Springsteen is performing here in April. It begs the pregunta: Who's better, The Bawse or The Boss?

Deepness Of Voice

Springsteen has manly, gutteral singing chops that once epitomized American masculinity. Ross's voice sends eight-year-old Chilean boys into puberty against their will.

Point: The Bawse

The Bawse

Facial hair

Back when he was the new Bob Dylan in the early '70s, Springsteen had some wispy what-have-yous crawling out of his face. It wasn't pretty, but people weren't into looking good back then, they were into rambling beat poetry that, in the end, amounted to nothing. Ross, on the other hand, has a tremendous, full beard, one which makes him more fetching with each passing month.

Point: The Bawse

Wealth

The Boss is one of the most successful musicians of the last forty years. He's sold more than 100 million albums worldwide, and has been a top touring act for decades. By all accounts he's managed his money well, and doesn't make major financial decisions without consulting his advisor. Ross, however, has never even gone platinum, largely due to diminishing sales in the file-sharing age. He spends his cash on luxury cars, yachts, and helicopters with dubious resale value. All that said, Ross named his recent mixtape Rich Forever, so there's that.

Point: The Bawse

Health

Though some speculate Springsteen has had some work done, his body looks like what a 62-year-old man who does push-ups should. Ross, however, seems unlikely to make it to 62. His pores ooze lipids; he sweats Crisco. Still, his weed habit seems likely to have medicinal value.

Point: The Bawse

Facility With The Ladies

Springsteen remains an international sex symbol of the highest order. He was divorced once, and then was accused of cheating on his second wife, but that was never proven in court. He could have just about any woman in the world over 40, but chooses to keep his ding dong in his pants most of the time. The Bawse, meanwhile, makes love to any woman who comes into his peripheral vision, so long as she's hotter than a four.

Point: The Bawse

Ability To Tell The Truth

Rick Ross is often called a pathological liar, and indeed a few years ago The Smoking Gun uncovered documents showing he'd been a correctional officer in Florida, rather than a drug kingpin as he'd claimed. His lyrics are also seemingly fraught with fabrications; "I made a couple million dollars last year dealing weight," for example, is likely off by a couple of million dollars, with a margin of error of approximately 0.0 percent. Springsteen, on the other hand, has penned some of the most meaningful lyrics of his time, speaking to larger truths of the soul. There's not a shred of evidence that he ever knew anyone with the given names Hazy Davy or Killer Joe, however, so we're going to have to dock him for that.

Point: The Bawse

Live Perfomance

Springsteen has performed some of the most epic shows in rock history. When he steps on stage, you can be pretty much assured that your ass will be glued to your seat (or your eyes will be glued to him or whatever) for the next three hours. His fans agree that he has a gift for encapsulating the human experience in concert. Ross, on the other hand, is easily winded and rather uncompelling in the live setting. Still, Springsteen has never once performed "B.M.F.", which is ridiculous because that's an amazing song.

Point: The Bawse

Conclusion

Both The Boss and The Bawse both have much to like. But it's clear that if popular music were a corporation and the board of directors had to appoint a single boss of all bosses it would be Ross, so long as Slim Thug was not available.

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