Russell Friedman

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask John & Russell

The unanswerable question: How your life might have unfolded had he not committed suicide? (6-14-11)

Q:

Anonymous from Nevada writes:

I lost my dad to suicide when I was twelve and now I'm sixty, and sometimes still find myself caught up on an emotional roller coaster when I allow myself to think about it. I realize that when this happened there were no support groups to go to and no one to talk to. At the time, anything to do with suicide was just not discussed and people (including clergy) completely avoided the topic at all costs including, my immediate family. However, some decades later, I stumbled across a support group that dealt with this sort of thing and decided to attend. I soon discovered that even though it happened long ago, the aftermath of emotions quickly surfaced as I began to talk. Initially, the group seemed to help, but the more I attended I began feeling overwhelmed by the dire sadness of hearing story after story of others who's losses were more intent and recent. You could hear and feel the pain handed to them by their loved one no longer here and how they too, were beginning a lifetime sentence of complex questions that would never be answered.

I have since, stopped searching for the answers because, there are none, and have tried my best to accept his final decision by agonizing over two realizations after much soul searching of my own. First, I realized that the pain he had been forced to endure for whatever reason, was just too much for him to bear any longer. Secondly, I'm sure had he realized that his pain would be passed onto his family, once he was gone, he may have had second thoughts about going through with it because, I believe anyone contemplating suicide isn't thinking about the aftermath afterwards. Instead, I think they are only thinking about ending their own pain and freeing others of any pain they have caused.

Thank goodness, I don't have to deal with this everyday anymore, but at times, it still catches me off guard and tries to take me down that most dreadful path, once again. I think the most difficult thing that I had to deal with was when I realized how my dad knew it would be his very last time that he would ever see me, but strange as it may sound, I have never been able to remember, that last time with him! Maybe, it’s a blessing in disguise for some unknown reason.

I will be getting your book soon and look forward to possibly finding a tool or suggestion to have to use in the event that I ever need it and wanted to write to thank both of you so very much for touching my heart with your unselfish words of wisdom!

Thank You!

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note, and although you really haven’t asked any questions, we wanted to respond.

In your opening paragraph, you mention having attended a support group. The sad truth is that many support groups tend to support pain, not recovery, which sounds like what you’re reporting.

However, also in your opening you mentioned the “emotional roller coaster” that still fires up from time to time, all these decades later. To that we would remark, “unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, and since time can’t heal emotional wounds, it only gets worse.”

That is not to say that you can’t have memories and miss your dad, and be sad, and have a host of other feelings about what happened and how it happened, and about how your life might have unfolded had he not committed suicide.

It is not for us to say that you are an unresolved griever, but given what you’ve said, it’s a pretty strong probability that you have some unfinished emotional business.

We’re really pleased that you’re going to get our book. We believe that it will be an eye-opener for you and give you a set of actions that will be positively helpful, and hopefully will shut down that roller coaster.

Oh, and thanks for your kind words about our “unselfish words of wisdom.” Very much appreciated.