The Secret Bonus Level

All the while tripping, I was coming on and off an especially strong level 5 experience. To give us an idea what a level five is:

*I had no recollection of who I am in particular

*I had no possessions

*Everyone would be as significant and insignificant as the next person

*I was restless (the concept of sleep was impossible, unknown)

*I was profoundly more intelligent than normal (everything was already understood)

To put it plainly, I had merged with a never-ending consciousness with leaps of energy that couldn't quite contain itself. It was like being a wizard puppy just born this morning, and it was learning - a lot - of new tricks. The sky would change so fast it's like every second that went by it would be a new day, a new season, a new year. I could get so involved in an idea or concept everything that surrounds me would be wisked away by timeless time, everything would be gone, recreated, a new place in a distant time where one could see this idea or concept with nothing to distract him. I was the strangest artist with a wand for a brush. It was as if someone needed to create a story before the thought occurred that if there were no story, well... we still need a story.

This is an extremely bizzare trip. The most common difference among men is we all realize we'd love to be here but we can't do this forever. If I knew I was going to die a particular day, I would have chosen that day. But I didn't, because I have choice. Instead I will die a more mundane, less exciting day.

So let's figure that everyone has a consciousness in some way that is bound to a body in particular. In my case, I am incredibly well bound to this physical space. When I dream, I am the same man, with the same ideas, the same thoughts, the same identity. I am permanently bound to this body in particular. It's healthy, it's young, it's pretty much perfect. It's just the same as anyone else.

Now stop and think about dreams for a moment. Just the thought of that idea might bring up your last dream, or a certain dream, or the hope of another great one. It struck me during this experience that dreams had more to do with my self-development than my life ever had. At this point, I was very sincere towards psychedelic substances for overcoming my lacking "reality". At the same time though, I wanted to cast aside the substance and replace this catalyst with the actual thought or idea it was given. To dream.

So I am wide truly wide awake - but I get too involved with my dream-self. I have this inner discussion; in my dreams I can dream all I wish - I can even die - and I can wake up and do it all over again. In my reality-self, I don't have that capability. I am much more fragile. I am weak.

I become highly energized by this experience, and before long it is nearly impossible to differentiate this experience as an actual dream or reality. I say nearly, because death would separate this from a vague dream.

Death excites me. It gives me purpose. Just the thought of anything - a French fry - a volleyball net - an ant - is so much more interesting than being dead, I will always be more than willing to fight death to the death. I'll kick death's ass.

I'm tripping hard. I get involved with death during this experience, and I fight. We are a rough and tumble. This being a level 5 trip, my mind was shot and I battled through countless, mindless dreams, that were all established in some way, shape or form, as still being connected to reality. I could have died - and the only thing stopping it all was some sort of breakthrough - or simply fighting it with my unwillingness to die.

But I had to giveup. I realized I couldn't handle life forever, and I was going to die anyway, I decided to just flipping do it already! And then the dreams subsided to this same bi-focal purpose - if was - I was running from the man who ran for no purpose at all.

Until we're given one.

I broke through. I ran to the point you could run no further, Suddenly I stop running, I stop fighting... for a second there I'm blown away by the true beauty of life. The shining beacon of having a moment to look at it. The opportunity to grasp what it means to have a life - before we decide if we should throw it all away.

Really though... I had broke through. There was no real reason I had to wait until I was finally an adult to breakthrough, but I suppose a little to do with it was my catch... of course as a man, we can create life with our own will. I walked the light of heaven and gave back the child. I was there, in that state, for all of 2 minutes. I loved the brilliant light, but I set down baby and ran the fuck home. The brilliant light vanished (until a bit later) and I had little more to understand of myself or my purpose.

Now from this point - to that little episode - and back home, my dreams venture yet again, but I get a little agitated. And somehow, or someway, the source, or the beacon of light, or god, or whatever the fuck you want to call it - it was really fucking angry at me, and not only was I completely senseless (I couldn't see, feel, or a hear a fucking thing) I was almost completely dead.

My life was literally flashing before my eyes. All I could think was "make it stooooopppp" but "NO!!!"

If I stopped, if I gaveup, my life, well, would just continue flashing before my eye.. (the 3rd one) literally, it was quite flashing. My whole vision was just an episode of black and white flashing. God was just flipping this big fucking light switch for a couple hours and I pretty much just had to fucking deal with it.

Eventually I just fucking scream so hard that somebody would hear my scream. So I get dragged to the hospital (like I have a better idea to escape this terror) and I'm fighting it over on a hospital bed for more hours. I get to this point where it's like God is inviting me to its brilliant heavenly lit place again. But I kindly disagree, sit up for a moment, think about a cigarette, and finally fall asleep, not knowing if I will or won't wake up the following morning, with not a care if I do or don't. It's like life never even began.

EDITORS NOTES:

I'm not changing anything to this report, not even the spelling mistakes. I just want to say that nobody was harmed and no children were involved in this experiment.