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Sunday, September 19, 2010

If I were Queen of the Forrest

Below is a list of things that are pet peeves of mine. If I had my way, and were actually the Queen of the Forrest, I would work to change them. This list is in no particular order since, depending on the day, one could irritate me more than the other.

1) Girls will cover up their stomachs, rear-ends and thighs. I know that you are are proud of your belly-rings, tramp-stamps and thongs. I am not. I do not care. In fact most of the population does not care, nor do they want to see it. I know that you think guys will see you and think it is sexy or hot. News flash they don’t. Just they think you’re a slut. Sorry, but someone has to tell you the truth.

2) Guys must pull their pants up. I guess it could be worse. I should be happy you at least wear underwear, but I don’t care that you have Tommy Hilfiger boxers. It doesn’t matter how cool or thug you think you look. You don’t. You just look stupid. So pull your darn pants up!

3) Mumblers! Sometimes I feel like Willy Wonka and I want to yell “MUMBLER” as loud as I can and move on. I know, I know...you’re gonna tell me that some people have a disability that would cause them not to speak plainly. I can believe that with about 1-2 percent of the population. The rest of you are just lazy. Move your lips, jaw and tongue and speak where someone can understand you.

4) If I were Queen, along with your high school proficiency test, (which, by the way are as useless as teets on a bull and measure absolutely nothing more than if the teachers can teach you to regurgitate facts) students would be forced to pass a common sense test. If you cannot figure out how to work your way out of a paper bag, change a light-bulb and come in out of the rain, you do not pass. You do not get your Common Sense License and you can not hold a job in which you deal with the public.

5) Lastly, men of my choosing will be made to wear knee-boots and Pirate shirts. Why, you may ask? Simple. Unlike tramp-stamps, muffin-tops and boxer shorts, knee boots and puffy shirts on the right man IS sexy.

Hey, I’m the Queen. It’s what I want. At least I’m not asking for double-time march.