Tag Archives: overthinking

One of the things I most admire about M is his ability to let things go, and slide off his back. For me, it is one of the most difficult. If something bothers me, I cannot.let.it.go. It affects my moon. It affects my actions. It seeps into everything I do or think.

And I am so over letting things nag and get to me as much as they do, especially when it is, more often than not, something small and easy to toss aside and get over quickly (one would think!). Or it is something I have just misunderstood or misconstrued in my head and is not as big or bad or annoying as I have made it out to be. Or, it is opinion. Mine vs. someone else’s. My opinion isn’t always right and neither is the next person’s. That is why it is opinion, right?! (see where my mind goes haywire, here?!)

I’ve experienced some emotions of late that I don’t like in myself, as a result. I’ve felt some frustration that has led to anger, some jealousy that has led to bitterness. And these feelings are ugly. And they are *not* me at all. But at the core of these feelings is my incessant need to hold on to things and not let things go, and not see them for what they are, but for what I have made them out to be, due to overanalysis, assumption and well, overthinking.

There’s that word again. Overthinking.

It all ties together, really. Overthinking. And as I see M with the ability to really just not let the little things get to him, and even if they are bigger things, he still has a nack for accepting them, and moving on. I however, will hold on for dear life and beat that dead horse silly. (I honestly think part of it is the Italian in me…Italians tend to hold grudges and not let things go like whoa!!)

So as M and I enter into the latest season of our lives together, my vow is to learn to let things go more. Not let little things bug me. Not assume the worst (and instead, anticipate the best!) automatically. Not get angry as a first emotion, but think more rationally. It’s one of my ‘I’m not perfect’ downfalls…my ability to see negative first, and assume so much, when almost always, whatever is bothering me is almost completely born out of my assumption, or frustration, or snap judgement.

And honestly?

Life is too short to just jump to the worst first.

Why not have faith and trust and know that whatever is meant to happen in this life will, and to trust myself in being valued, being a good person at the core, and being worth it.

*A (possible) new mini-series on my ruminations run-imations on running: A snapshot into my brain, on the good, the mental, and even, the bad runs. What I learn, what inspires, what challenges*

Hem and haw.

Hem and haw.

It’s national running day and I didn’t run. What’s up with that (this was yesterday, btw)? Maybe I should run anyway. (note: I actually had planned to run, but woke up hit by the tired stick-got-run-over-by-a-bus feeling and nixed it in favor of extra cuddles with M, as we could sleep in a bit later that particular morning!).

*shelf thought for later*

Tick-tock. Afternoon rolls around. The sun starts peeking through. I see tweet after tweet and blog title after blog title about national runner’s day and how did you celebrate it. (But I didn’t get to!! Wahh!)

I debate going for a solo run (something I keep shying away from, even though I know I used to LOVE running alone. And want to get back to it). I consult my sister. We discuss over Skype. Decide that I will run at 3 if I feel up to it. I go back and forth. And back and forth. And back and forth in my head. Do I? Don’t I? Do I? Don’t I? Opt for a walk to start and if I get the urge, I’ll run (like my strange way of ‘compromising’ with myself?!).

I set out. And it’s raining (but sunny!). Fail.

Decide that’s my sign not to run for the day. Decide that it’s okay not to run on national running day – a la this girl, who so aptly put it – today I don’t run because I love to run.

*end scene*

Today: I teach barre n9ne at 6 am and 7:30 pm and tend to NOT run on this day usually, because teaching twice takes a bit of a toll on the legs, no matter how much I try not to *do* too much and just demonstrate. Never fails to give me some sense of ‘dead legs’ feelings!

But I was determined to run anyway, since I didn’t run yesterday.

(there goes that stubborn brain when it comes to running…sometimes I just need to let go of what I schedule for the week in my head, and let it go. I’m working on it.)

On my drive to the studio around 5:30 am, I’m dreading this run…

I really wish I ran yesterday. This was a bad idea. Teaching 3 times in 2 days and planned 2 runs anyway. Idiot.

*teach class…’do’ a little more than I intended. Mentally kick myself at the end*

Drive home. Starts to sprinkle. Secretly hope it keeps raining and I wuss out change my plans. But it stops the minute I arrive at our apartment. (and then secretly hope M isn’t waiting for me outside and doesn’t want to run).

But there he is, looking slightly sleepy, but expectant. Ready to go (damn, he’s so cute. swoon.).

Which way do you want to go? This way? That way (discussing routes)?

We opt for a 5K distance, in part because M has to get to work, and in part because his legs, and mine, are feeling dead-legged.

We set out.

Dammit, my legs are killing me. This sucks. Maybe we shouldn’t have gone. Maybe this is a bad idea.

panicpanicpanic.

We stop for a minute, I catch my breathe. *mentally kick myself for panicking. It’s just a flipping run! get over it!*

We start again. Legs are super tight, but slowly start to loosen after the first mile.

And then…halfway in…there it is:

M: a bunny! look!

Ahhh look at him, he’s so cuuuuuuuute. How does he hide so well in GREEN grass?! He’s brown! OMG he’s sooo cuuuuuute. What do you think he’d do if I went over to pat him?

M: um, probably hop away.

Good point. Maybe we do live in bunnyville after all!!

*huge grin on my face*

We set back towards home.

This run feels so much better, why do I work myself into such a tizzy? I’m sweating, I’m working, but I feel good. It’s always the first mile that kills. After that, it eases up. Remember this next time, will ya?!

And then, just before we turn down towards the final stretch? TWO MORE BUNNIES!!!

*insert more oohing and aahing over bunny sightings galore*

~~

I swear, this is my thought process on at least 80% of my runs. At least to start. While I have quelled a lot of the overthinking, I still usually start with a bit of dread, and always abhor the first mile or so. And I know this is probably pretty normal (at least the first mile abhorrence part!), yet I still feel captive to my mentalness about it far more often than I’d like. But the more I can turn these mental runs into strong finishes? The better I’ll be at turning the mental game around that much quicker. My run-imation for today: keep going, it just gets better.

(what do you think of this little series?! Run-imations? I just felt like I needed something to capture my thoughts on my runs moving forward, now that my run-challenge is over. And hey, who doesn’t love the word run-imations? ;-P)

Like this:

Editor’s note: for an OATT 101, please visit my sister’s blog post who so eloquently defined all there is to overthinking syndrome…in other words, overthinking-all-the-time (OATT)!

There is a serious case of OATT going on up in here and it always a) amazes me given how often I do travel, how much of a stresscase I am leading into a trip and b) makes me realize how out of practice I am from the days (just around this time last year, in fact!) from chronic work traveling (like, twice a month trips to Cali, chronic!).

First of all, I always get into stresscase mode the day I travel, especially if I am working a partial day and then traveling mid-afternoon (like today) because I a) always feel like I’m not fully packed (and hence, have to repack my bag at least twice to ensure I have in fact, packed everything – for a two day trip, mind you!) and b) rushed to cram in as much work as possible while also ensuring a workout, plenty of fluids and my most-missed meals have been enjoyed (read: oatmeal, chobani and a big ass salad or one of my favorite wraps crammed with turkey, sprouts, laughing cow and spinach).

So you better believe I did all of these things today…and even taught a barre method class at 7 am (side note: I love teaching back to back classes two days in a row, makes me feel fresh and ready to go!). And enjoyed breakfast (OATMEAL!) with M (he works at 11 on Tuesdays, working in our favor for some extra time together!). And aforementioned wrap. And got work done. And re-packed. And even put little sticky notes all over the house for M to find (one particular one in his laptop telling him to knock ’em dead tomorrow at his dissertation defense! Right next to the new David Yurman cufflinks I gave him at dinner last night. Making me feel less like the worst girlfriend in the world for being away when he defends!).

Dude. I am rambling up a storm over here. What’s with all the lists (a, b, c) and parentheticals?! <–and yes, I just said parenthetical, what of it?

(must be OATT)

moving on.

After OATT attack #1, enter even bigger OATT attack #2.

What and where to eat tonight when I land in Chicago. See, I land at sort of a weird time. 7 pm CT (leaving at 5 pm ET today). It’s not dinner time here, and it’s past dinner time in my brain by the time I arrive (and get situated at my hotel, pushing 8 pm CT, and 9, ‘in my brain.’). So, what to eat? Do I grab something at the airport when I arrive? Do I bring something with me from the airport in Boston (that’s already a fail, since the terminal I am in – which I didn’t realize at the outset of this OATT – has NO food except for stupid snackie things)? Do I see what’s around my hotel when I get there?

I played each of these out in my head. Option A – meh, airport food, not a fan. Option B – see option A. But then what? What’s around my hotel?? Well, after doing a bazillion google searches, yelp searches and consulting pal Amber (who I get to meet tomorrow!!), I found a couple of possibilities. I got excited. But then realized that 2 of the 3 top contenders closed at 8 pm. How lame is that?! Hmmph. Now what?! I seriously went back and forth, google’d more places, walking distances etc. I still have aforementioned sushi places in mind, but now, I go back to my original (undocumented thought)…perhaps I’ll just keep it simple and order room service or Starbucks (which I realized after all this, is IN my hotel!!).

And save sushi for tomorrow night. Why tomorrow night? Because tomorrow night I am on my own at 5 once day one of the conference I’m going to ends. I have a few locals I may meet up with, but I am hedging a bit only because I may want to do something I still have yet to do on my travel bucket list. Eat dinner by myself. At a restaurant. So, of all the overthinking I am doing at this very moment, that is, quite possibly the only thing I pretty muchmaybe might know for sure.

Go, figure, right?

I hope you enjoyed this edition of OATT: the travel edition.

(I almost added in my OATTing about what workouts I want to do while I’m in Chicago, but this was getting long enough as it is and I am pretty sure ya’ll would think I am the queen overthinker if I went into THAT ping pong OATT case!! And let’s just say that there is spinning involved, running and MAYBE even a local barre studio!!)

All of these things I have worked so hard to quell and have honestly conquered pretty damn well, I do believe.

But sometimes, overthinking rears its ugly head and I need to remind myself just how far I’ve come. In life, love, my job, and my body.

Harness that, and not the negative, questioning, comparing that can be so ugly.

This is me reminding myself to keep that overthinking Ollie at bay. Cuz I got this.

~~

PS check out this fantastic article from Emma…she interviewed me for the article and I am so proud of how it came out. Thank you for the opportunity to share my story and how I harnessed my divorce to turn it into an experience that shapes me to this day. When Overachievers Divorce.

~~

Edited: WordPress.com made changes to commenting, out of the author’s control. If you have a WordPress account tied to the e-mail address you’re using to comment (even if it’s old, or one you don’t use), you mustsign in with that account to comment. Otherwise, just use a different e-mail? Or make one up. Frustrating and an extra step, but it seems to be the only thing that is working!

Yesterday, my sister and I ‘measured in’ at the five month point in our barre n9ne challenge (we’ve opted to weigh and measure for 6 months. From May – November) and I continue to be utterly amazed that each and every month, there is progress. And each and every month, I feel like a better, stronger, more fit and confident me.

At the 5 month point? My sister and I have both lost more than 15 inches (15.5 each, to be exact!).

Since mid-August, I have lost almost 7 lbs. 7! Un-freaking-real.

Since May, at the start of the challenge, I have lost more than 3 inches...from my WAIST alone.

Seriously. By doing something I love...barre workouts have honestly changed my body composition from head to toe and I couldn’t be more happy (forget what I said in this post…let’s just forget that overthinking moment…). I’ll say it again – the combination of barre workouts and running has been the magic bullet for me…combined with my mantra ‘food as fuel’ and the calorie plan I have been on. Absolutely amazing combination. It just WORKS.

I think that this feeling has completely flooded over me this time because I’ve had a week free from overthinking. After last week’s overthinking tailspin, to *not* overthink at all this week has made me feel like I have a free mind.

A free mind is a happy mind.

A free mind is a ‘roomy mind’ uncluttered by negative thoughts.

A free mind is not a fearful mind, it is a confident one.

A free mind means a less anxious, uptight and worried me. In every way.

I truly hope to harness this feeling and not go back to that negativity. It’s not only not healthy, it’s just not who I want to be. Ever.

So today, I am feeling a huge sense of accomplishment (not success…accomplishment!). I am feeling free. I am feeling supremely happy, content and grounded, right where I’m meant to be.