"I still think this life we have is a gift and we have to try to be happy. I don't know if it's a right or a privilege, an accident or a figment of our imaginations. It's something everyone wants so much. It's everything, Happiness."
-Guy Adkins

Monday, August 30, 2010

Well it's finally come to this. I'm walking in a friggin Breast Cancer Walk on October 17th. However, I will NOT wear a pink hat or boa no matter how much pressure is put on me. I'll pink it up, don't worry, but no ball caps or boas. It's just too....something....I don't know. I refuse. Like Kramer with the AIDS ribbon.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

So the stupid cancer spread to her lymph nodes. We are waiting to see how many they spread to. So far only one sentinal node for sure. This probably means chemo for my mom. Dammit. I have been really angry the past few days but after kicking a box across my kitchen and eating a really outlandishly large plate of Marge Noodles (TM) I woke up feeling better. Ready to fight for and with her.

I will only say this once then I'm putting it in the shredder. This really is kind of unfair.

Done. Now onto the next battle. She is done with surgery already which is a HUGE plus. She is sore but able to get around. She will have to postpone her knee replacment until all this is over but she is still going to get that done. Right now it's all about kicking the cancer in the BH and being done with it.

Good things:

I've never felt closer to her. Or to my family in general. As my sister Kendra says "but shit....we were ALREADY close it's not like we needed to be taught a lesson!". True Kendra...true BUT now we are this crazy primal close like a pack of wolves. I feel like we are all in our roles and ready to face the bad parts of life together. There is some real comfort in being on a team like that.

Jason. Again. He's gotten so good and knowing how to help me feel my feelings and making me feel better all at once. Sometimes just by being quiet and patting my head.

My friends. Again. Just non stop support. I feel embarassed being in need again. I know I can't help it...I mean it's my mom...but jeeze. I can't wait to not be the one crying every two minutes. Not that I am crying every two minutes all the time...but sometimes.

Anyway, that's the current state of the union. Breast cancer can really go take a flying leap off a short cliff or whatever that expression is...plank? Whatever. I hate it.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Please just let it all be good news and easy on her. Please please please. Please let her be able to go to her 50th high school reunion in a week and dance.

I took this pic in the garden when I was home this past weekend. It's on my phone, my computer and in my mind at all times. The five of us...start to finish and everything in between. Go Allens. We can do it!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

....so my mom has breast cancer. Sounds like a sick joke right? nope. It's really happening. She called me on Saturday to say that's probably the case. Then found out Monday it's for sure the case. My family is kind of reeling from it all. It just doesn't seem like this could be possible.

BUT let's save the drama for my mama. Here is the GREAT news. The tumor is small. Really small. To give you some idea my tumor was considered medium at two centimeters and hers is like 1.5 millimeters...I think...those are tiny right? Math. Who needs it?! Anyway, you get the idea.

So she has all the tests still. MRI, further pathology, blood work, scans and all that, but the doc thinks she will be able to avoid chemo. God I hope so. I don't want her to have that at ALL. Sounds like she won't so here's to yearly mammos, right??? Jeez. TRY and tell me they are pointless. Just try.

Anyway, I'm tired. Kind of worn out. But fine.

My treatments have been kind of put on hold because my blood pressure is too high. They think that's from stress and the Avastin. If it's too high again in three weeks I'm pulled from the clinical trial. I really hope that doesn't happen. Of course I will deal with it but I've come so far and to just have to throw out my study results from all this will make me sad. I want to feel like I'm helping or something.

Dr. C doubled my blood pressure meds so that is taking a little getting used to. I get kind of dizzy and sleepy but hey...what else is new. I'm losing weight every week so that will help too. I'm going to try some meditation CDs my friend recommended. All that HAS to work in the next three weeks right? Right.

Let's end on a high note.

I haven't been sleeping very well at all. So at like 9pm I'm exhausted and crash (but then wake up at 3 and can't get back to sleep...you know how that goes). Anyway, I crashed out on the sofa on Monday while watching Beavis and Butthead Do America for the 89th time. Jason was working a shift at the wine bar and he got home pretty late. I don't remember this at all, but I guess he kept saying "Crescent, you want to come to bed" trying to get me from the sofa to the bed so I'd sleep better. You know, being the great guy he always is. I rewarded him by sitting up and yelling "DON'T ASK ME THAT AGAIN!" and shook my finger and everything. I did it in my sleep but that doesn't make it right.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

It's Jason's birthday. And my boss's. And a co-worker's. And Obama's. But Jason is the most important to me, supes obvs. (working on my Effron speak..kids abbrev ev thing apparant....coo th t do)

What would I do without him? I don't even care to wonder. I love him to the point of excess and still giggle like a 14 year old when he texts me a lot in a day. Hmmmm....re-reading that I feel like maybe Jason should be a little afraid of me. hahahahah nah. I'm harmless.

We have a sort of on going joke about murdering each other and what not...life insurance is usually the punch line but sometimes it's just good old fashioned killin. I know it's a dark joke but we've earned the right to joke however we please.

In fact we've been doing the off color jokes about our love for years.

Our private wedding toast to each other at our reception was "F*&$ you buddy." TINK! (that was the glass that made that sound just now...in my memory...sighhhh).

so in the spirit of our twisted but true love here was my birthday email to him today:

Dear Jason,

Your facebook page is warming my heart today. Everyone loves you so much!!!!! Except me. I loathe you and wait for the day when I can give you the ol "Chief" treatment in the night. Then I'll throw our fridge through the back window and lumber off to music played on a saw.

His reply:

Nice.

I also included this picture, which I think adds some extra ominous tones to the whole experience: