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The online home for Revolver Magazine and the Golden Gods Awards delivers hard rock and heavy metal news, Hottest Chicks in Hard Rock, music video, photos and moreFri, 31 Jul 2015 17:01:26 +0000en-UShourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.9.2Final Six: The Six Most/Least Metal Villainshttp://www.revolvermag.com/news/final-six-the-six-mostleast-metal-villains.html
http://www.revolvermag.com/news/final-six-the-six-mostleast-metal-villains.html#commentsThu, 18 Apr 2013 13:00:06 +0000http://www.revolvermag.com/?p=47307Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You, Venomous, and Gravediggers: Mountain of Bones. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass. This column represents his opinions–and probably only his opinions.

In Paradise Lost, a 17th century poet tells the story of Satan’s fall from Heaven and the fall of man, which Satan causes using his powers of influence and temptation. The epic poem is controversial for its portrayal of the Devil as a human and sympathetic figure, whose banishment from God’s domain is caused by the very prevalent emotion of pride, painted therein as the greatest sin of all. Four years after he published Paradise Lost, Milton put out Paradise Regained, which deals with the temptation of Jesus Christ. What’s interesting is that while most people know some line or fact about Paradise Lost (“Farewell, happy fields/Where joy forever dwells: hail, horrors, hail”), very few know much about Paradise Regained. Why? Because as a whole, Satan is a more interesting character than Christ. His reasons for his actions are like our own—nuanced, rarely clear. Jesus does what he does because he’s good. That’s not the world I live in.

Villains are awesome. Their costumes, weapons, and powers are often far more interesting than those of the heroes against whom they fight, and their motives are generally far more interesting than those of the heroes. But not all villains are created equal. For every fascinating and powerful villainous character, there are two or three who feel like whiny little assholes derping around for no real reason. And being metal means being strong, driven, purposeful in your darkness. So for all those hand-wringers and doomsday-bringers out there, I bring this, my Six Most and Least Metal Villains.

The Six Most Metal Villains:

1) Sauron
J.R.R. Tolkien’s personification of all evil and hatred lives up to his role—from his spiked helmet to his giant burning eye to his supernatural hold on anyone who dares interact with him. He’s like Satan, only less of a metaphor and more of a big scary-ass guy with a sword

2) Darth Vader
In space, the archetype of the Black Knight has taken a terrifying new form. This cyborg monstrosity is an expert sword-fighter, fighter-pilot, and magic wielder, serving the very essence of darkness and despair after destroying his only chance at peace in a fit of rage. No one calls him “Annie” anymore.

4) Venom
Spider-Man’s dark doppelganger, Venom is how everyone really imagines evil—cold, black, bitter, and rocking a gaping maw of razor-sharp teeth. That he is a psychotic madman wearing an alien costume that feeds on hatred is just an added bonus.

5) Agent Smith
What makes Agent Smith so terrifying and incredible as a villain is his underlying emotion. On the one hand, he’s all logic, a being made of binary code and unarguable purpose. On the other, he’s deeply emotional—he hates this place. This, friends, is the ordered face of pure evil.

6) Lady Macbeth
Resourceful, brutal, and insane—Lady Macbeth is the ultimate femme fatale. While Shakespeare likely created her as a sexist scapegoat, her cunning and readiness to get her hands dirty would likely scare the shit out of guys like Shredder and Mumm-Ra. You think you could take her? Have fun dying slow, pal.

Honorable mention: Skeletor. The dude looks like a jacked-up Grim Reaper and rocks what is known as a “Havoc Staff.” That’s real, son.

The Six Least Metal Villains:

1) Adolf Hitler
OK, so this guy nearly conquered the world with his campaign of racism and megalomania. It doesn’t change the fact that the dude was a fidgety little house painter with one testicle who thought he was saving the world with his xenophobic bullshit. Fuck this guy, over and over.

2) Professor Moriarity
While one of the great villains of literature, Moriarity is kind of lame overall. Consider it for a second—he’s a math teacher who’s basically a bad clone of his nemesis, a British detective he can’t even kill without falling off a damn waterfall. Not even interesting in his dastardliness.

3) Gargamel
Bad enough Gargamel is a hunched old man who lives alone with his cat…but he’s the Smurfs’ villain. Let’s say that again: the fucking Smurfs’ villain. The dude has dedicated himself to a life of destroying tiny blue mushroom people? And he still hasn’t done it? Truly one of God’s dumbasses.

4) Iago
The antagonist of Shakespeare’s Othello, Iago is the type of villain even villains hate: He’s a gossipy little bitch. We all know a guy like this, who uses misinformation and posturing to get whatever his petty little heart desires (your girlfriend, for instance). This insidious cretin deserves a swift kick to, well, everywhere, really.

5) The Penguin
Of Batman’s nemeses, the Penguin is one of the few not confined to Arkham Asylum when caught. Why? Because only interesting people are insane. What we have here is a roly-poly little Monopoly man with lame weapons and a bad gimmick (birds? Fucking birds?!).

6) Oogie Boogie
Sorry, but I gotta throw down here. Oogie Boogie may be a living burlap sack filled with bugs, which I guess is sort of scary, but the Cab Calloway routine immediately erases that. It’s a bad sign when you’re a villain and the hero, his friends, his girlfriend, and your henchmen are all scarier than you.