Well I can’t avoid it any more, it’s the X Factor live shows. See, I think the ‘lympics and p’lympics are one of the reasons the show’s fucked this year. All summer we’ve been watching people who worked ridiculously hard to get to a point of physical fitness where they could beat the rest of the world, and then probably won’t make any money out of it afterwards unless they do the rounds of every TV show they can get on, in the hope of some sponsorship money. But that’s over now, and here’s a show that’s all about how a mediocre singer can walk in off the street and OMG DON’T CHANGE ANYTHING YOU’RE ALREADY PERFECT and they deserve to become instant superstars and be fellated by groupies. Basically, I’m saying the whole ethos of The X Factor looks even more scuzzy when contrasted directly with the Olympics and Paralympics, and it would be best for the show if it avoided drawing any unnecessary comparisons between itself and a very different event.

Here goes then, and it’s been a real fucking hassle coming up with nicknames for this shower, let me tell you. I mean, do you have any idea who any of them are? We’ve had some shit years before but this must be the first year when the nickname “The Other One” could equally be applied to any of the 13 contestants.

Oh, I see the Awkward Dermot Dance is still a thing.

The judges walk through an X of fire, and Gary puts in an official complaint. Not about health and safety, obviously, he’s just a bit worried it might be construed as interesting. Kelly Row-land has regenerated into Nicole Shitsinger, but other than that it’s all as you were. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU can’t be arsed doing her little product placement salute so just does a wink, and Shitsinger does a salute of her own instead. Gary’s still doing his “no, you didn’t hear wrong, it actually is me you lucky people” look. And Louis Walsh also exists.

First up the wild cards, only one of whom will get to be the 13th finalist. Not starting the series with an ominous number or nuttin’ then. I’m not saying Adam has no chance of getting through, but the show doesn’t even bother showing him on screen when their names are announced. It’s been decided that Gary should probably win this year, so he’d better be the judge with 4 acts to start with. Which means THE CURIOUS ORANGE is “our” final contestant. He reacts by collapsing into a gibbering heap of mental illness. Obviously. That’s how he reacts to everything.

You can vote right from the start now. Because these shows last hours and hours and hours, during which people really ought to be giving Syco money, no?

One of the boybands wasn’t very memorable, because they had a shit name. Yes, that’s what it was. Their intro is concerned with them coming up with a new one. They are now THE TRIBUTES FROM DISTRICT 3. Theirs is an industrial District that specialises in technology, and was one of the first Districts to rise against the Capitol. They stand on a box and whimper an anaemic R&B version of Tina Turner’s “The Best.” It’s not the best. It’s not the worst, either, but then again The X Factor has set new standards for “the worst” over the years. It’s boring, so Gary should like it. He’s kind of indifferent actually. They have a special soft spot in Shitsinger’s boobs, but she’d rather they hadn’t sent her to sleep. Louis thinks they’re “like a young Boyz 2 Men” because he knows we’re playing bingo at home. Then he tells them they’re “simply the best,” and Dermot thinks this is a pun, because he doesn’t know what words mean, let alone how one might play on them.

Because this show won’t be long enough with 13 acts, for some reason Wand Erection turn up to remind us what could happen to people on this show as long as they don’t, god help them, win the damn thing: Yes, you too could go around the world fucking anything that moves.

I was prepared to like Shitsinger, but she’s the first to break out the “very unique” and for this she must be destroyed. Plus, this “very unique” artist, as opposed to those artists who are only partially unique, is a grumpy Northern white boy who can only hit about 10% of the notes of any given song so growls the rest to make people think he’s “angsty” as opposed to “not that good.” BEA ARTHUR’s backstory is that he’s NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE in the way that people say they’re not that attractive then leave a pause where you’re supposed to tell them that actually they underestimate how hot they are and etc. Well maybe if you hadn’t scribbled all over your arms in biro, Bea. Anyway, in the VT Shitsinger reads out a tabloid article about how since being selected as a finalist he’s been putting his penis in lots of women, so if Bea’s JOURNEY is meant to be him getting over his LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN HIS APPEARANCE and amassing a fascinating new collection of STDs, I think they’ve rushed it a bit. He sings Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” minus the correct notes, but plus a little Professor Green rap bit. To be fair, he’s easily as good as Professor Green *faint praise klaxon*. Shitsinger claims Bea’s better than the track. Slagging off the Clarkson, you’re on probation Shitsinger.

Apparently The Queen reacted the same way as all women when Gary Barlow was announced. Do all women react by saying “who the fuck are you?” then? LOUD HIPPIE MUM stands on a box and screams that obvious Olympic choice, “With A Little Help From My Friends.” I hope NotLouis wakes up soon. Louis says he was hearing Robert Plant and Janis Joplin. Fair enough, if I was in the studio I’d have my iPod on too. Gary thanks the woman dressed in offcuts from the Carpet Warehouse for giving the Overs their dignity back. Then the camera cuts to Loud Hippie Mum’s family – apparently her husband is Forbes Masson.

Toula CONTOSTAVLOU announces that usual X Factor rules don’t apply to her category, because if BEAT ME ON THE BOTTOM WITH A WOMAN’S WEEKLY doesn’t get to do one of her own funny little songs people might notice her limited range, so she’s doing one of her own. Lucy’s been playing the guitar since she was ten, and boy are her fingers tired AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s a nice enough little song whose relevance to the Olympics and Paralympics is oh never mind.

THE REMAINING 66.6% are next. They’re the ones who ditched the creepy one out of their band during auditions, on the judges’ advice. Which just shows that the judges don’t take their own advice, ‘cause Dappy’s still in N-Dubz. They sing Chipmunk’s “Champion” and bless ’em, they’re the first ones to actually let NotLouis give them some dancers and that. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU, who’s raided the tomb of Nefertiti and is wearing the spoils around her neck, tells them they’re not the strongest singers. Whatever, pot.

THE CURIOUS ORANGE is allegedly less nervous than usual as he sings “Hero.” I mean he doesn’t fall over, but he’s almost certainly shat himself or something. Louis makes a comment about cruise ships, although he seems to be commenting on Christopher’s fluorescent face rather than the Jane McDonald of it all. (Christopher: more Loose Bowels than Loose Women.) Then for some reason Dermot comes back at Louis with “you can talk, with that hair,” because this show has finally eradicated any chance Dermot had of ever stringing together two words that make any kind of sense. Louis quite rightly responds with bafflement, rather than pretending that this was any kind of actual burn. Meanwhile Queen Nefertitwank tells us the song was a bit dated. How many years ago did this very show use it for its big charity single? Not many.

In case their being given to Louis wasn’t enough of a hint that the Groups are the joke category this year, we’re getting them all out of the way quickly as well. TWO DIRECTION are next, and the VT implies they’re all required to sleep in the same kingsize hotel bed. Well, Wand Erection’s popularity seems to be almost entirely based on slash fiction, so if it’s not broke don’t fix it. NotLouis says their performance will have to showcase them as a united group, not just some random blokes. Which is going to be tricky, because this is the group who got given a random bloke at Judges’ Houses. Which means the remaining three all get to be Resentful Direction when all the girls only fancy George. They say they can’t even remember when they were Triple J, which was just a few weeks ago and proves this show causes brain damage. They sing “Don’t Stop Me Now,” which opens with George horrifically out of tune, so I bet the others are thrilled he got foisted in them. The Gay One On The End is better. Then there’s some flashing lights and the dancers wave their vaginas at the audience. Then the judges all have a go at Louis for the song choice and staging because it’s getting dangerously close to stuff actually happening on stage AND THAT IS ANATHEMA.

During the massive pile-on of insults on Louis, he hits back at Toula CONTOSTAVLOU by saying he didn’t play it safe, like her. She says she never plays it safe. Remember this as one of her own acts is next, and Toula proudly announces “here, singing Enrique Iglesias, is Jade.” AHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHA AHA AHAHAH HAHAHA AHAHAH HA HAHAHA *can’t breathe* Oh hang on, it could be that one about fucking. NO OF COURSE IT BLOODY ISN’T, it’s “Hero,” obviously. Jesus, she’s quacking the entire thing out of her nose. It’s SINGLE MOTHER GOOSE 2: THE BLOODENING. Shitsinger’s scribbling something during the song, I assume it’s the word “nasal” over and over but none of the judges mentions that so she was probably just doing a Sudoku.

Then Dermot goes and talks to some of the poor unfortunate Olympians in the audience. Gold medal-winning boxer Nicola Adams says her favourite’s Lucy Spraggan. *insert joke about Lucy Spraggan and a woman who’s good with her fists*

RYLAN OFFICE SUPPLIES is next. I don’t know about you but I think he might be one of those homosexuals. His VT’s about how since going on the show he’s being bullied online; he tells Shitsinger about it and she says she’s had death threats as well. Yes, Shitsinger, but you say “very unique” so you deserve them. Oh how embarrassing for Tulisa, Rylan’s come dressed as Queen Nefertitwank as well. He’s all in gold with the Eye of Horus drawn on in eyeliner. Nice of him to remind us that Only Connect exists, and television doesn’t have to be awful. So there’s lights and dancing and not necessarily much hitting of notes, which will obviously be commented on here in the way that it isn’t if you just stand there being dull and not hitting notes. Gary obviously goes for him, claiming that he wanted to have more fun this year but then some fun actually happened and he remembered he doesn’t like it. Then Shitsinger has been told to mention the “Do What You Like” video to pwn Gary, so she does, and he’s like oh and I’m still here all these years later which is apparently a comeback of some kind. Does he mean he’s now given all that up and doesn’t do anything attention seeking? True enough, it’s not like his band arrives on stage on a life-size puppet elephant EH GARY? Anyway I don’t know why the judges always complain when NotLouis makes the stage look like a provincial gay club, when that’s the career highlight it’s equipping its contestants for. Oh, he sang “Gold” by the way.

Next up is the moment Gary’s been waiting for, so you know it’s going to be shit. It’s THE OTHER ONE. I know, I said they could all be called The Other One, but if anyone here is The Other One, it’s this one. “Man In The Mirror.” No, sorry, absolutely nothing else about this has made an impact on my brain.

THE 16-YEAR-OLD WHO IS 16 YEARS OLD says Toula CONTOSTAVLOU has been very hands-on with her, but she had a word with the producers and Toula’s been told to cease and desist. Anyway I’m not convinced Toula’s been doing any mentoring because all the girls tonight have held the microphone in front of their mouths rather than slapping it around their faces. She slows down “Rule the World” and is horribly sharp a lot of the time but Gary Barlow gets an erection whenever someone chooses one of his own songs so he says it was good.

Next up, she’s tasted widespread public indifference before and she wants to taste it again, it’s SECOND RUNNER-UP IN FAME ACADEMY 2003! She’s doing an awkward country version of Nicki Minge’s “Starships” because “country” is apparently what she’s all about this time. Whatever, I know the mask’ll slip sooner or later and she’ll reveal her true 1980s poodle rock colours. Shitsinger says she’s a sucker for count…ry, only she doesn’t pause like that but I have to make my own entertainment if the show itself is so determined not to provide any. Toula CONSTOSTAVLOU questions how the song fits in with the week’s theme, as if that’s a thing.

“A lot of people at home see me as the nervous one” says LIVE TELEVISED NERVOUS BREAKDOWN WAITING TO HAPPEN, almost as if the show has gone out of its way to portray him as the nervous one, to make up for the fact that his great first audition turned out to be a fluke, BUT THAT ARE VERAH, VERAH UNLIKELY. Then we have a VT all about how he’s the nervous one. Anyway back to the studio and “IMAGINE?” REALLY? FAST FORWARD. Seriously, fuck off. Fuck. Right. Off. That was your act Shitsinger, you made that happen. Sodding “Imagine.” You were already on probation. Now you’re getting tagged.

So that was Olympics night. And nobody sang “Survival.” Pussies.

Results show! Recap; judges; then group song, which we’re assured will be live this time. Oh thank fuck, it’s Emeli Sandé’s “Read All About It,” it must be all of minutes since I last heard that, and it really wouldn’t be an Olympic show without it. Oh it’s… yeah, that’s why they always used to autotune the group song in the past. What a fucking racket. Then another recap.

This show could really use an injection of personality right now. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Leonabot 3000! Well there’s no point to this song without Colton Haynes in the video, is there? Moving on. Dermot says Leonabot 3000 was a guest judge in That London, where she said yes to everyone. “Affirmative. Leonabot 3000 is programmed to say yes to up to 43 different personal pleasure settings. Please click OK for a software upgrade. New Leonabot 3001 has an additional four pleasure settings.” Will you be doing concerts and albums and etc in the future Leonabot 3000? “Affirmative. Leonabot 3000 is programmed to perform both concerts and albums, as well as intricate keyhole surgery. Leonabot 3000 must kill. Leonabot 3000 must destroy.” Oops, better put you back in the box for now, Leonabot 3000.

While the votes get counted, let’s kill some time with Ne-Yo. Right, enough of that.

Actual results! Going through are THE OTHER ONE! BEA ARTHUR! THE TRIBUTES FROM DISTRICT 3! THE 16-YEAR-OLD WHO IS 16 YEARS OLD! BEAT ME ON THE BOTTOM WITH A WOMAN’S WEEKLY! THE REMAINING 66%! LOUD HIPPIE MUM! LIVE TELEVISED NERVOUS BREAKDOWN WAITING TO HAPPEN! SINGLE MOTHER GOOSE 2: THE BLOODENING! TWO DIRECTION! And THE CURIOUS ORANGE!

Which means the sing-off is between RYLAN OFFICE SUPPLIES who sings “One Night Only,” badly, obviously, but like that’s relevant; and SECOND RUNNER-UP IN FAME ACADEMY 2003 sings “There I’ll Be” in a way that is technically better singing And That, but what is this, some kind of singing contest? I mean, I certainly wouldn’t let my opinion by overshadowed by how funny it would be if someone went on a singing contest only to find out the public weren’t all that interested in her, and spent the next nine years trying to get onto another talent show, then finally got on it only to find out in the first week that actually no, the public just weren’t all that interested in her.

Judges’ votes; Shitsinger has to send Carolynne home ‘cause Rylan’s her act. Gary sends Rylan home and takes the opportunity to be an utter cunt about it and kick him while he’s down, which Rylan attempts to talk back about but is drowned out. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU sends Rylan home as well. Then Louis is told to make an instant decision because it’s nearly time for Downton, and this being a one-hour results show it still hasn’t occurred to anyone to leave some time at the end for the actual results. Louis ignores all this and is a massive drama queen about it all, obviously, finally saying he wants to save Carolynne. Except Dermot has decided that that doesn’t count as an answer and Louis has to actually say the name of the person he’s sending home, otherwise it’s DEADLOCK, eh, nod nod, wink wink, DEADLOCK eh, that would be good for some controversy because fuck knows we need the ratings eh. DEADLOCK. So, ignoring the DEADLOCK answer you just gave, who would you like to DEADLOCKY DEADLOCK send home Louis? Oh, DEADLOCK it is. So they go to deadlock and Carolynne’s going home. Yes, she always knew it wasn’t really her destiny to come third in a singing competition. It was to come thirteenth. Gary spontaneously storms off through a well-lit route that happens to have a camera trained on it.

Sorry, Carolynne doesn’t have time to do interviews at the moment. She’s busy filling in her application form for The Voice.