Things That Always Happen in Nicholas Sparks Movies but Never in Real Life

I don't care how much of a film snob you are, you've probably seen a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book (or five). Whether it was in the theater or during the latest airing on the OWN network, you've watched beautiful white people fall in love against all odds. Can't figure out which Nicholas Sparks story I'm referring to? You're not alone. From the classics like The Notebook and A Walk to Remember to the newer—and in my opinion, lesser—movies like Safe Haven, these sweeping romances have quite a bit in common with one another—but very little in common with reality. With the author's latest, The Best of Me, hitting theaters today, I'm doing my best Megan Angelo impression and rounding up the things that always happen in Nicholas Sparks movies but never in real life.

But first, in case you haven't seen the Best of Me trailer enough...

__Rain is suspiciously convenient.__There are two weather patterns in Nicholas Sparks movies: perfectly clear skies and pouring rain, the latter of which occurs only during makeout sessions and other dramatic scenes of that nature. No rain? *The Lucky One* uses a shower as a stand-in.__
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Everyone has exactly one parent. On the off chance a character has both parents, they are definitely both assholes.

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All couples will be torn apart (or, at the very least, highly tested) by illness, war, their asshole parents, or some combination thereof.

__The only part of the United States is the South.__ I'm from the South (whattup, Atlanta?), and even I'm like "Nick, there's a great big world out there. Consider Chicago."
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Canoes > cars. Who are the set designers here, Abercrombie Fitch?

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The Internet doesn't exist. In real life, if a mysterious person moves to your town, you GOOGLE THAT PERSON. In Sparkslandia, the Internet is literally not a thing and everyone communicates by landline or actual messages in a bottle.