Wayne Rooney To Be Sold At Auction

Manchester United degenerate Wayne Rooney is to be sold at auction like a piece of meat.

West London club Chelsea have already had a transfer bid rejected for the England star, who is unhappy at United, despite earning millions for being a glorified childrens’ entertainer.

Now, boss David Moyes has confirmed that Rooney will be the subject of an auction, where rich clubs will bid obscene amounts for an over-fed footballer, who competes in an industry which, in the cold light of day, is absolutely meaningless.

He said: “Wayne will be sold at a public auction where anyone can buy him.

“We are looking to make around $30-million, which will be re-invested in players who also have no appreciation for their ridiculous lifestyle and wealth.

“Someone did suggest we invest the money in local charities, but they were quickly taken outside, stripped naked, publicly flogged and then shot dead.

“Their family have been billed for the single bullet which ended their life.”

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho insists that Rooney’s moral ambiguity and complete lack of empathy towards his fellow man, make him ideally suited to life at Stamford Bridge.

He said: “Wayne is always quizzing my players when they are away on England duty.

“He is fascinated about how they can effectively destroy the lives of others, without any serious repercussions.

“And, that’s the kind of lifestyle we can offer him. Chelsea players know, that even though they cannot read or write, they are good at kicking a ball, which means they are gods amongst men.”