WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Sean Spicer made a startling announcement during a White House press luncheon today, claiming that wiretaps are now being found throughout the White House — even in the president’s food.

Spicer stated, “The president is certain that Obama wiretapped his beloved Trump Tower, and we’ve heard from a ‘very credible’ source that there are now wiretaps throughout the White House.” He went on to say that there was no limitation on where these wiretaps could be found.

During the press luncheon, Spicer grabbed a fish off the plate of the person sitting next to him and proclaimed, “See? This is a camera, right here!” Spicer shook the fish and then pointed to its face. After several reporters remarked that he was pointing at the fish’s eye, Spicer disturbingly pulled the fish’s eye off and hurled it at the reporters. “Don’t you see? That’s what they’re trying to make you think! You guys are all idiots!”

Spicer’s deranged behavior reached a tipping point as he began to accuse the “dishonest media” as being collaborators and began citing different articles of food as being spying devices.

Spicer proclaimed a CNN reporter’s chicken cordon bleu was an audio tape recorder and a New York Times reporter’s éclair was a microphone. Convinced he had vindicated himself and the president regarding the wiretap claims, Spicer remarked, “Now I’ve caught all of you red-handed. Nunes is going to have a field day with you guys.”

MALMSBURY, UNITED KINGDOM — Dyson released a statement today advising businesses, airports and other public establishments to stop using its “facial moisturizers” as hand dryers. The devices in question feature a sleek grey design, a contoured opening in the middle and the label “dyson airblade” on the front of the device.

We questioned Dyson on how its “facial moisturizers” could be so badly mistaken for hand dryers. After all, these devices are ubiquitous in public restrooms everywhere, instruct users to move their hands in and out of the device and even state they are “The fastest, most hygienic hand dryers.”

A Dyson spokesperson replied, “It was a labeling error at the factory. These devices are clearly supposed to be used as facial moisturizers. You know this because any time water goes in the opening it splashes back into your face.”

Her voice then took a cocky, defiant tone as she stated, “Go ahead, try putting your wet hands in there. I mean, this couldn’t possibly be a hand dryer — your hands would keep touching the sides as you move them in and out. And do you know how many people don’t thoroughly wash their hands after using the potty? It’s extremely unhygienic. And disgusting.”

She made a good point. After trying the dryer, er, “facial moisturizer” myself, I found it hard not to touch the sides. In addition, the 400 mph air flowing from the device spewed water everywhere.

The spokesperson then clarified how the device was supposed to be used:

Step 1: Cup your hands under the sink to collect as much water in your hands as possible

Step 2: Dump the water into the opening of the device

Step 3: Hold your face over the device as it spews water into your face

Step 4: Ignore startled or alarmed onlookers

After following these four easy steps, the spokesperson stated that you would experience a spa-like — albeit, violent — mist that would amply and severely moisturize your face. She claimed she did this all the time. On a separate note, she mentioned she could not figure out why she was constantly contracting Giardia.

The syndrome is diagnosed when a subject’s body continues to age while his or her mind regresses. Now in his 70s, Chinese scientists have claimed that the President-elect’s mental capacity is closer to that of a middle school child.

The research actually began some time ago after analyzing Trump’s prolific Twitter rants since his run for the presidency. Chinese scientists stated that Twitter is a good measure of people’s mental capacity as it represents their thoughts in their rawest form. They concluded that they could not have developed a better screening test.

We interviewed Xing Tao, one of the research scientists responsible for the discovery. He stated that, “Based on Trump’s comments, mannerisms, temper tantrums and grotesque ignorance, we estimated his mental capacity to be around that of an eight-year-old.” Xing Tao, who actually has an eight-year-old daughter, paused and then corrected himself saying, “Actually, my daughter is much more composed and mature than Trump. She is also top of her class in calculus and astrophysics.”

He then turned and looked down at the floor, shook his head, and remarked, “At this point, I really feel like we’re insulting eight-year-olds. My apologies to all these young earthlings around the world.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Millions of Americans cast their votes today in a concerted effort to plunge the country into recession once again. After seven years of economic gains, including 80 consecutive months of private sector job growth resulting in 15 million new jobs, an unemployment rate below 5%, lower gas prices, historic profits for the airline industry, a rebounding housing sector, the best year ever on record for sales in the auto industry, reduced taxes for 95% of American families, and a rising median income, many Americans have decided they’ve finally had enough.

We had an opportunity to interview some of these voters. A man by the name of Dick stated, “I’m voting for Trump because his policies are very similar to Bush’s policies from 2000 – 2008, and that’s where we need to be.” He continued saying, “Sure, we’ve made some good progress the past several years, but it’s just not happening fast enough. I think we just need to crash the economy and start over.”

Another man by the name of Rush commented, “Look, we really need to institute trickle-down economics again. I mean, look at Kansas and the wonders that it did for them. Now we should apply this on a national scale. And Trump has tapped Kansas’ governor to advise him. Sure, the entire state economy of Kansas collapsed but that doesn’t mean anything.”

We were able to contact another voter by the name of William via Facebook on whether he thought Trump would make a good president. We received this response:

“i run a business he is a busines man we need no more living wage, no more tax on small business ans we need a shaker to shake the shit out of this country that is why i am voting for trump GO TRUMP GO TRUMP GO Donald J. Trump, NOT A LYING BIATCH.”

We inquired about how he felt about women in general but after receiving no response we asked if he thought Trump was truly qualified for president. He replied:

“I BELEIVE IS IS FULLY QUALIFIED FOR PRESIDENT – look at the asshole you voted for dump ass in the white house.”

We couldn’t fully comprehend his last incoherent response but concluded that “dump ass” is when you keep dumping your ass in places you shouldn’t. Like on a table when people are eating breakfast. For example: “Mark constantly dump asses his friends when they won’t pass the Tabasco.”

Still, others were less concerned about the fiscal aspects of this election and focused more on the social degeneration of America.

A man by the name of Mr. Garrison began his rant about gay marriage and its pending doom for civilization. “I tell you, the Republicans have it right about reversing marriage equality. Why do gays have to be equal in everything? Can’t they just settle for being second-class citizens? It’s so annoying!”

He went on to say, “Also, I totally support Republicans pushing gay reparative therapy. It’s totally, 100 percent worked for me and never does any psychological harm to its patients. I’m living proof.” He then began playing Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” song as he began singing and waving his finger in the air.

A woman who appeared to be a clone of Ann Coulter asked, “Why do we have still have Mexicans, and gays, and Black Lives Matter, and Muslims — and other women for that matter — still in this country? We just need to shut down immigration completely, because we should only keep this country to immigrants who can at least go back four generations. And that’s totally not inline with anything the Nazi’s did back you-know-when.”

The votes are still coming in and we have yet to see whether America’s attempt to eviscerate itself will become a reality. Stand by for the latest results.

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bizarre twist today, Trump announced that the violence occurring at his rallies and on his campaign trail was actually an attempt to unite the country. Reiterating previous comments he made about the nation being “too divided,” Trump stated that he was using reverse psychology on America to show why violence is bad.

Trump explained saying, “When I talk about punching people in the face and you see that exact thing happen at one of my rallies, you can see how painful that it is, right?”

“So you see, I’m teaching people that punching other people hurts and is bad. The more people that get punched and hurt, the more it will become obvious that you shouldn’t punch or hurt other people. So in reality, I’m helping to curb violence. You’re welcome, America.”

A dumbfounded reporter could be seen raising her hand to close her mouth, then went on to ask Trump how that strategy worked when applied to his comments about Mexicans, Muslims, women, POWs, the disabled, African Americans, Iowans and essentially every other group in America that he’s attacked or offended.

Trump replied, “OK, I know you’re a woman so you were going to be sneaky and slip in a question about women. Look, I’m equal opportunity, and I feel these groups should be harassed equally. The more division and violence that we have, the more people will see that it’s bad and it will unite the country.”

Trump then stated that he had to go, but had a parting comment for the reporter saying, “By the way, you’re not my first choice in woman reporters.” The reporter then lunged at Trump seemingly reaching for his hair but was held back by some Trump aides.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A recent study by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) found that the vast majority of San Francisco residents are suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

Despite being held hostage and repeatedly abused by their landlords and property management companies, most of the 800,000 residents of San Francisco appeared to be willing to pay the absurd and insulting rents currently being charged — sometimes, willingly.

We had an opportunity to interview a San Francisco resident who was paying $3,800 a month for a one bedroom apartment in the SOMA neighborhood. She asked us to call her Susan.

She stated that, “Living in San Francisco is expensive. Everyone knows that. But to have the privilege of living under a landlord who is so caring and concerned about his tenants — it’s so heartwarming.”

When asked to clarify, she went on to say, “Don’t you see? Because of the high rent I pay, it’s really helped me with my budgeting — I literally can’t afford to buy anything else. Plus, with all the power landlords have over their tenants, I’m so beaten down now I’m much less argumentative at work. They even took me off probation!”

As we were about to conclude our interview, we were able to witness an intervention in which Susan’s family and friends attempted to rescue her by taking her to a more affordable apartment. To our surprise, she turned on them — even slapping and biting her rescuers. “What are you doing?” she screamed. “Are you trying to take me to the Tenderloin? I work in tech — I have an image to uphold!”

The APA concluded that the shortage of housing in San Francisco has been escalating the cases of Stockholm syndrome at an alarming rate and that nothing can be done.