How to teach responsibility (ages 3 to 4)

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What to expect at this age

A three or four year old isn't developmentally ready to focus on the greater good or to understand his role in the family, let alone his role in society (he does know, however, that he's the centre of the universe!). He's also not ready for complex chores or for maintaining his own routine. But he does want to be as busy and important as you appear to be. So take a positive view of it if your little one's always underfoot while you're trying to get things done. His desire to help lays the groundwork for what will make him a responsible teen and adult.

What you can do to teach responsibility

Choose age-appropriate tasks
Tasks that are too difficult will only overwhelm your three or four year old. He'll be daunted by the request to "tidy your room" – after all, it's probably even daunting for you. "Please put your shoes in the cupboard," on the other hand, is manageable. You'll be amazed by how much pride and self-reliance he gains from undertaking such simple chores.

Show and tell
The best (and perhaps hardest) way to instil a sense of responsibility is to be a good role model with your own possessions – put your car keys where they belong instead of on the dining room table, and tidy up your stack of magazines instead of leaving them all over the sofa. Then, when you give your preschooler his own small tasks, show him exactly how to do them. Saying, "Time to set the table," makes less sense to him than a demonstration accompanied by, "Look how I'm putting one plate on the table in front of each chair, and the napkins go just like this. Do you want to help me do that?" If you find yourself spending too much time demonstrating to your child how to perform a task, it's probably too complicated for him.

Teach first things first
Your three or four year old isn't too young to learn that work comes before play. He'll get the message when you say, "Yes I want to take you to the park! But first we need to tidy up lunch." Be friendly and matter-of-fact about it, and admit that you prefer the fun, too – then he'll understand that you're not just being bossy, but are simply expecting him to behave responsibly.

Make the job a game
We all enjoy tasks more when they're fun, social occasions. Your youngster is happy to be spending time with you, and he doesn't view emptying the tumble dryer as a chore – it’s fun to pull out warm, fluffy clothes and pile them in a basket. Dance to music while you dust together, or have a race to see who can put away the most blocks.

Establish a routine
Your child will learn responsible habits more easily if you set a routine early on. Teach him to put his dirty clothes in the washing basket and help put his water toys away after every bath. He'll see that chores are a part of everyday life, not something grownups hand out on a whim.

Phrase things in a positive way
Make it clear to your child that your household has rules that everyone follows – but set them in a positive way. So instead of issuing an ultimatum ("If you don't do that, then you won't get this"), take the approach of, "When you've done what you have to do, then you can do what you want to do." If your child says, "I want a biscuit," respond with, "When you sit at the table, then you can have a biscuit." Saying, "If you tidy up your toys, I'll give you a treat," on the other hand, really just bribes your child into doing what should be normal behaviour – and it raises the possibility that she'll decide she can live without the treat and choose not to tidy up her toys.

Give your preschooler space
To save time and trouble, you may be tempted to grab his plate and put it in the dishwasher yourself. Try to resist this urge. Instead, concentrate more on your preschooler’s efforts than his actual accomplishments. He may not be doing a perfect job, but criticising him or taking over his chores will only squash his desire to help. Remind yourself that practice does make perfect. Try phrasing your suggestions in an encouraging way: "You've done a really good job clearing your plate. I like to put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher, though, not back in the cupboard."

Expect ups and downs
Your three or four year old can’t always get it right. It’s just part of being young. But you can usually get more compliance when they realise there's a pattern. So try not to express anger or disappointment if your child is having an off day. Just say to him calmly, "Remember, you always put your trucks away when you’ve finished playing with them."

Pour on the praise
Positive reinforcement will teach your child that his efforts are important and appreciated. Be specific with your praise: "You did so well putting Fluffy's food in his bowl," as opposed to "Good job!" When appropriate, point out exactly how his efforts have helped everyone else: "Now that you've put the spoons on the table, we can all have tea. Let's sit down!"

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