JERSEY SHORE SEASON TWO PREMIERE REVIEW

Just accept it. It's happening.

The greatest show on television is back.

Drink for every time I write, “Obliviated.”

I had so many doubts about a second Jersey Shore season. I was concerned that they’d bring back the cast and they’d be too wrapped up in themselves to capture the magic of the first season. I was concerned that they’d add new people to inject something into the core cast…and MTV –for now- wisely stayed their hand. I was generally afraid that the incredible experience of the secretly smartest show on television would be lost because MTV realized they had something awesome once and wanted to beat it like Nancy Kerrigan. Oh shush, that sentence started as a Rhianna joke.

Before we can talk about Miami –and we WILL talk about Miami- let’s talk about going into season 2 and what the characters did once they realized another season was absolutely going to happen.

Preseason Training

The Situation hired three writers, put them in his reasonably-priced apartment, and said, “I’m going to talk a lot. Give me catch phrases and sound bites for the confessional.” He then put them on 3×5 index cards and packed them in his bag. That, friends, is where we got “grenades” and “land mines.” How do I know that? I wrote them. That’s why they’re awful. The Situation had notes.

Seriously, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to go to Situation’s two-bedroom apartment and find a giant white board with flow charts and strategies to be the center of attention and bang Sammi. I’m on board with this.

Snooki fell deep into her character like Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder.” She still hasn’t come out of it, and that’s why she spent a night in jail a few days ago. Snooki didn’t do a lot of prep. She did get a boyfriend, which reminds me that somewhere there’s a dude who has on his resume/headshot, “Gorilla Juicehead, Jersey Shore season 2.”

OH YEAH, and she got herself an Escalade, or it’s a car MTV gave her for the trip, which seems much more likely. We can’t expect Nicole to make smart financial decisions.

Pauly D somehow got more tattoos and hooked up with Angelina. If you think those feelings aren’t going to be coming out at some point, you’re a Communist.

Ronnie hung out with his boys and plotted ways to win the break up, which is going perfectly. I have to be honest, I like Ronnie. Dude’s a meathead but he’s got a lot of heart. He’d either punch me in the face or we’d be good friends. I don’t know if there’s anything in between.

Vinny probably just hung out with his family, because he’s the Only Normal Person On Reality TV. I love this so much. I thought it would get him booted off the show. After two episodes of season one he was relegated to the exposition, only showing up in the confessional to tell you that they went to Karma again. He wasn’t interesting because he wasn’t a caricature, but I always looked out for him because he’s exactly what you and I would be like if we were stuck in that ridiculous scenario.

Watch the premiere again when you have a minute and watch Vin. He constantly has this look on his face like, “I can’t believe I’m here again. What is going on? Why are these people acting like this?” I’m getting ahead of myself.

Sammi boiled a rabbit in Ronnie’s kitchen.

Angelina built up an organization of small-time criminals and robbed a bank, betraying each of them until she got away with the cash alone in a school bus. She then crashed a meeting of Jersey Shore producers, killed an intern with a pencil, and hid a bunch of grenades in her suit jacket, telling them to contact her when they felt like taking things a little more seriously. Her final words as she escaped through a side exit? “It’s simple. We, uh, kill the Sammi.”

JWoww took boxing lessons with Freddie Roach. I made that up, but it’s likely. Did you hear her at the end of the episode? “I’m putting Vaseline on my face, putting my hair up…” ShamWoww in season one wanted to bone some dudes, JWoww 2.0 just wants to fight a bitch. If the Jersey Shore cast were Ninja Turtles, she’d be Raphael. And now that I’m thinking about it…

If the Jersey Shore cast were Ninja Turtles…

Jwow: Raphael

PaulyD: Michelangelo

Vinny: Donatello

Situation: Leonardo (Because Leonardo was lame and he thought he was in charge.)

Ronnie: Rocksteady

Angelina: Casey Jones

Snooki: Krang

Sammi: Those robots the foot clan had that looked like metallic rats.

And to finish that off, just imagine JWoww yelling, “I lost a sai!” and try not to laugh. More after the jump.

I’m in Miami. We get it, the cast listens to LMFAO.

I’m ignoring the exposition about everyone going to Miami, minus the producer’s stroke of genius to 1) buy a shopping cart full of explosives for Pauly and Mike and 2) say, “You should drive your SUV into that muddy field.” Every time I watch a Jersey Shore episode I wish I had one of the producers there to see which decisions were made by cast and which were evil, incredible machinations by a grownup.

Let’s talk about the house.

The more I watch MTV reality programs the more I realize the places they live in are not as awesome as I remember. Back in high school those houses looked palatial and the furniture looked like it had been lovingly assemble and arranged by magical household items a la Beauty and the Beast. Now…I don’t know, maybe the apartment was a rush job or they found out at the last minute their first choice was next door to a coke den, but this house looks like some sad mashup of Ikea and those touristy shops where you buy bedazzled tank tops and a pirate flag that says, “Time flies when you’re having rum.”

That said, there’s a hot tub, possibly two hot tubs. There will be a lot of time traveling.

One thing we learned about the place is that the shelves definitely have weight limits, or again one of the producers deliberately loosened a screw whilst twisting an amazing moustache. I doubt MTV gets the security deposit back.

I’m always fascinated by the image of these characters running around the house, constantly followed by sweaty dudes and cameras, but I have to shake the hand of the person who put a camera behind the one mirror in the house. Those shots when the cast was getting ready to go out were classic. Please buzz Susan in accounting to bring up the wheelbarrow of cash.

“Angelina is an agent of chaos.”

Words spoken by Roommate Tony that are 100% correct. For an idiot, Angelina knows exactly what she’s doing. I think her performance in season one was a fluke and she learned a lot watching the show and hating the fact that she messed it up. It doesn’t change the fact that the cast looks at her like I look at people who drive PT Cruisers; it only strengthens her resolve. Angelina wants a piece of this life and she will NOT make the same mistakes again. She will, however, shake the jar of bees that is Jwoww, Snooki, and Sammi, obliviated to the fact that they will destroy her face.

Via The Frisky. Soon afterwards, JWoww came in with a flying elbow.

Angelina is acting like any good villain would in teen dramedies. Hated by the girls, she embeds herself with the guys and begins to divide the group. She gets dirt on the dudes as ammunition to either use in recruiting Sammi or destroying her. This could honestly go either way, because you have to understand that Angelina is category-10 crazy. By midseason Angie will either be BFF with the girls or dead by their hand. And if you just laughed away that paragraph, watch season one and witness Snooki pulling this same maneuver off.

TO NOTE: Sammi throwing herself into the conversation in the cab was hilarious; she asked the three girls who clearly hate her to punch her right in the nose. We all know people who derail the conversation train so they can talk about themselves, but I don’t think we know anyone like JWoww who suddenly flips a switch and decides fisticuffs in the back of the cab is the appropriate solution. The best part? The cab hasn’t even started to move. Brilliant producer move sticking them in the car –who knows how long they’ve been sitting there- and waiting for them to have it out. As soon as they engage the cab starts moving. Brilliance only made better by cutting to the completely quiet taxi full of dudes.

While we’re talking about dudes…

Bromageddon.

The guys take WAY more time than the girls to name things and groups of people. Later on in the season Mike, Vin, and Pauly are going to start referring to their threesome as MVP. You know who gives excessively lame names to people and things, besides myself and the writers of How I Met Your Mother? Middle-school girls. The guys of Jersey Shore are this close to making each other friendship bracelets.

It’s also hilarious how the only people in the hot tub time machine were the dudes and Angelina. Then you rewind back to when everyone started arriving and you watch Vin and Pauly have that really big bro hug…Vin’s hand stays on Pauly’s for a lot longer than you’d think and still doesn’t come off by the time they go to the next shot. I’m not saying anything, but in the words of Frank Costello in “The Departed,” “…I think about this.”

“I feel like a pilgrim from the 20’s.”

Part of the reason Jersey Shore is secretly the smartest show on TV is the characters are idiots. Even Vin, arguably the brain trust of the group, used the word “obliviated.” Yes, it’s edited that way to blow out their ignorance (see what I did there?) but we can all agree that it’s a miracle Snooki hasn’t drowned in her shower.

Among these stupid choices is Ronnie’s continued declaration that he won’t go anywhere near or inside Sammi. This sounds good on paper –Sammi, as we have covered, is a crazy person- but Ronnie’s a softie who really wants love. You know it, I know it, America knows it. Sammi is Ronnie’s first TV love, the fact that she’s bonkers doesn’t matter.

You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him.

They had a shared experience that millions of people talked about and their identities are chained to being the turbulent couple like Prometheus to the rock. This happens all the time to actors on TV and movies, but to Ronnie and Sammi this is real life. They’ll get back together after Ronnie decides he’s won the breakup and Sammi will turn the crazy up to 11 again.

By the way, how many times do you think Sammi has listened to “Love the way you lie,” by Eminem and Rhianna? 600? 3,000? It’s up there.

I have notes.

Heading for the door like it’s two for one jager bombs at Karma, I have one tiny note for MTV. PLEASE, even if Mike stabs a dude in front of the club and screams, “I’m the Situation!” PLEASE don’t show them being aware they’re a thing. You did this once with PaulyD on the phone with the taxi company because it was kind of funny, but we loved the show because the cast was a bunch of lovable idiots and with the exception of The Situation, kind of oblivated to the fact they were on TV. Now they’re relatively huge and aware of who they are…don’t let them express it. The moment this becomes more about them as b-list celebrities rampaging through Miami is the moment you’ll lose us. Like JWoww’s impossible boobs, I never want to stop watching.

And now, the first installment of the Jersey Shore drinking game:

“Bro”: Drink 1

“Youse”: Drink 2

“I’m in Miami, bitch.”: Drink 2

Any variation of a character’s nickname: Drink 1

Sunglasses worn in a venue that’s not conducive for sunglasses: drink 1

Snooki drinks, you drink.

Every punch or blow landed: drink 1

Got thoughts on the episode or additions to the drinking game? Add ’em in the comments!