Why Not?

Two words changed everything.

Life is funny. Sometimes the biggest impact on a person's life can come from a minor, inconsequential, almost offhand remark or occurrence that almost doesn't register at all.

And so it was on a Tuesday evening, a number of years ago, when I was leaving the synagogue, my eye caught a tiny message that was unceremoniously scrawled in pencil on a torn piece of loose leaf paper.

"Shmuel Greenbaum is sitting shiva at __. His wife was the only American killed in the Sbarro Pizza bomb explosion in Jerusalem."

"How sad," I thought, as I headed out the door, on my way to continue life.

On my right, walked my friend, Shimon. He took his keys out of his jacket pocket and headed for his car.

"Want a ride home?" he asked.

Two minutes later we were parked outside my house. I was about to leave when he turned to me.

"So, when would you like to go?"

"Go where?"

"Where? Why, to the shiva, of course."

"The shiva? You mean the fellow who lost his wife?"

"Yes."

"I hadn't really thought of going. I don't know the guy. Do you?"

"No."

"So, why would you go?" I wondered.

"Why wouldn't I go," he answered, matter of factly.

Out of nowhere, a fundamental tenet of my behavior was flipped on its head and turned inside-out, by two profound little words, "Why not?"

I remember sitting in the car, looking at Shimon rather awkwardly. We both sat silently. A strange, unbalanced feeling had come over me. A simple, obvious, fundamental, long-lasting tenet of my behavior had just, out of nowhere, been flipped on its head and turned inside-out, by two profound little words, "Why not?"

It had never dawned on me that anyone could, would, or should make a shiva call to someone he didn't know. Isn't that an intrusion? An invasion? Or at least an inappropriate or voyeuristic trespass? And yet, with those two tiny words, Shimon was challenging a foregone conclusion of mine, which had seemingly been born without conscious thought or conception. I just automatically assumed that was the case.

I groped for an answer, wishing the flush on my face would simply vanish.

"Sure. Nine o'clock. Great. Perfect. Let's do it. Fine. Okay," I mumbled as I fumbled for the door latch. "See you then. Thanks."

I remember feeling so embarrassed as I stumbled up the stairs to my home. What had been so instinctive to me - not even considering visiting the tragic mourner - was equally instinctive to Shimon, planning to visit him the very next morning.

Nine AM I arrived at the same time as Shimon. A short drive later, we sat parked in front of the home of the shiva. With such a build-up, I expected something spectacular or melodramatic to happen at any moment. It never came.

"Ready?" asked Shimon.

"Why not?" I replied, using my favorite new two words.

I leapt from the car and awkwardly led the way inside the house. Feeling curiously anxious, I feigned confidence as we both entered. I walked into the living room and saw him sitting on a low, pre-fabricated cardboard box – alone and distraught. My heart went out to him. He looked up with his sad face and saw me. Immediately, he spoke.

"Yaakov Salomon," he said, "so nice of you to come."

Stunned for a moment, I looked at him more directly and realized that I recognized his face. He had been a guest at my home some time back, but I had forgotten his name. I threw him a half-smile, feeling more ashamed than ever. I said nothing. Then he looked at Shimon.

"And who are you, may I ask?"

Oh, the irony of ironies. I, who had no intention of going, was immediately recognized and appreciated. Shimon, architect of the mitzvah, was a total stranger. It must have looked like I schlepped him along.

We both found our way to some folding chairs near the mourner. Conforming to tradition, we said nothing, waiting for Shmuel to begin conversation. (I have always thought that this custom displayed incredible sensitivity. Why should the visitor say anything? Does he have any idea of the emotional state of the mourner? Perhaps the mourner wants to speak of the deceased. Maybe that topic is too painful for the moment. Maybe he just wants to sit quietly. Clearly, the visitor should not dictate or initiate any discussion.)

Shmuel put us at ease immediately (perhaps sensing my discomfort). And as people entered the room he always asked them, "Who are you? Did you know my wife? Please come in."

He spoke openly about the tragedy and how much he loved Shoshana. They had traveled together to Israel for a six-week study trip from the United States.

Shoshana was having lunch at Sbarro's when a suicide bomber struck. Both she and the unborn baby, along with 15 others were killed.

Shmuel had to return early, while Shoshana - pregnant with their first child - decided to stay. A few days later, she was having lunch at Sbarro's when a suicide bomber struck. Both she and the unborn baby, along with 15 others were killed. 130 were injured.

We listened to his tragic tale and fought back the tears.

Shmuel's response to his wife's death, however, was not one of bitterness and rage. Instead, he somehow garnered the strength to channel his emotions in the service of the greater good. The mourning would come later. "As soon as she was killed, I said to myself, 'Here's a tremendous opportunity'...maybe there is something I can tell to the world and make it better," he recalled.

What evolved was an organization called Partners in Kindness. People report acts of kindness to him and he sends the stories out to a growing list of e-mail subscribers around the world - 25,000 at the last count - including readers in countries such as Kuwait and Iran.

The idea is simple - the stories inspire the recipients to be kind, too. They can involve money - a generous donation to a stranger in need - or be a simple act like cheering someone up. He said he aims to make the world kinder, one person at a time.

We must have stayed about 20 minutes or so. And I remember looking around the room and seeing all the visitors. There must have been about 18 people there. Incredibly, of all the well-wishers who had come to console and encourage this doleful widower that morning, I was the only person whom he knew! Everyone else, like Shimon, had come out of the goodness of his soul, just to demonstrate love and compassion for a fellow Jew in sorrow. They all understood something that I had totally missed.

That little "Why not" was digging deep into my soul.

BECOMING A TRUTH SEEKER

We all have preconceived notions and philosophies that often contain little truth or rationale. Like squatters, they creep into our psyches, find a comfortable corner, and soon take up permanent residence. Before long, they attach themselves to the fabric of who we are, and so, we rarely question how they got there in the first place.

Sometimes it's a negative opinion about someone who, in fact, we hardly know at all.

"I don't know - something about her just rubs me the wrong way."

"The way he walks... he just looks arrogant."

Sometimes it's just a sweeping generalization that we grew up with.

"All those Republicans don't care about the little guy."

"Real men don't cry."

"If that professor said it, it must be true."

"If you don't know what you're doing, stay off the dance floor."

Or, "Jewish History is just plain boring."

Don't presume that just because you have always thought something to be true, that it actually is.

None of these impressions is necessarily true at all, and yet, many of us just instinctively assume they are. The idea is to be sufficiently aware that spontaneous or visceral reactions need to be questioned and challenged... always. Don't presume that just because you have always thought something to be true, that it actually is. Thinking, reasonable people are constantly checking out their assumptions and running them through internal checkpoints.

Ask yourself:

Why do I react this way?

What is the basis of my response?

Are there subjective factors or fears that are prejudicing my opinions?

Might I be afraid of the truth?

Why?

The tragedy at Sbarro's will never be forgotten. And among the after-effects was an unassuming and uneventful shiva, attended by mostly strangers - just a bunch of very caring, loving, fellow-Jews. But this Jew had to be practically dragged there.

Yes, shiva calls can and often should be made to people you may not know, or know just a bit.

And sometimes the lessons you learn there are as profound as the kindness you extend.

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About the Author

Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, C.S.W. is a noted psychotherapist, in private practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. for over 25 years. He is a Senior Lecturer and the Creative Director of Aish Hatorah's Discovery Productions. He is also an editor and author for the Artscroll Publishing Series and a member of the Kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath.

In these marvelous stories -- brimming with wit, understanding, a touch of irony and a large helping of authentic Torah perspective -- we will walk with a renowned and experienced psychotherapist and popular author through the pathways of contemporary life: its crowded sidewalks, its pedestrian malls, and the occasional dead end street. This is a walk through our lives that will be fun, entertaining -- and eye-opening. In our full -- sometimes overfull -- and complex lives, Yaakov Salomon is a welcome and much-needed voice of sanity and reason.

His speaking, writing and musical talents have delighted audiences from Harvard to Broadway and everything in between. Rabbi Salomon shares his life with his wife, Temmy, and their unpredictable family.

Visitor Comments: 29

(29)
Elana,
December 1, 2011 4:54 AM

Thought provoking

Always constantly questioning yourself can be taken to an extreme at time; making you feel insecure. I think, like everything in life, balance is needed. But, wow, I liked your questions, especially, "might I be afraid of the truth"
Loved this article...

(28)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2011 11:57 PM

paying a shiva call

Yayasher koach for a very thought provoking article.
I paid a shiva call to a house where I didn't know the aveilim.
I only knew the nifteres from way back. I really felt uncomfortable and almost didn't go. When it was time to leave, one of the sisters asked me who I was. When I told her she said she remembered my name from way back. I then proceeded to tell her that I was hesitant to come but that after reading your article, I said why not instead of why.
Thank you for being mezakeh me in this mitzvah. The avelilim surely felt comforted in knowing that even though they have not lived in the house for many years, people still remember and show they care by taking the time to come.

(27)
LDW,
November 30, 2011 10:41 PM

WOW

Lesson learned,

(26)
B. Koehler,
November 30, 2011 12:16 PM

inspiring

Moshe RAbbeine was the Onov mikol Odom and maybe, and maybe because of it the greatedst teacher of Jewry.
That's the point I so appreciate again and again in articles you have written. You don't hesitate to quote your shortcomings if you feel it can be le'toeles and a chizuk. and that takes greatness. And I am sure that your articles inspire more people than other articles of so called perfect people , because in your human'ess you exemplify greatness. tizke lemitzvos

(25)
Anonymous,
November 29, 2011 1:16 PM

Rabbi--Of all the terrific blogs you have written, this one is my favorite hands down. Why not indeed! A few years ago I learned about the death of a young mother who lived in my community. I had known her and her husband only slightly and did not know her school age children at all. However, that did not stop me from getting in my car and paying a Shiva call to the widower. I always make an effort to pay Shiva calls to those in my community who have experienced loss. It is just the right thing to do. With that said, I have made mistakes in etiquette in the past (I once rang someone's doorbell),but I do my best to learn from my mistakes so I can grow.

(24)
Barbara,
November 28, 2011 1:38 AM

Thank you

Thank you for this inspiring story.

(23)
Shari,
November 27, 2011 11:57 PM

Guilty of the same

Thank you for this article Rabbi Salomon. I appreciate the thoughts behind it as well as your honesty. I have to admit that there are times when I don't go to a shiva house because I don't know the people involved. Although it is proper shiva etiquette to allow the mourner to speak first (or only), I sometimes find introducing myself, if I'm the only or one of the only people present, to be a kindness. The mourner may feel awkward asking your name or be momentarily blank as to your identity, and just saying "I'm so and so", can relieve an awkward situation. I've been thanked on several occasions for this. It also led the mourner into a more comfortable discussion, especially if they were familiar with me or my family.

(22)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2011 11:43 PM

Thank you for your humbling words. A dear lady friend, now in her early 80's, shared brief portions of her families journey from Germany to Canada during World War II. Her parents German-Jewish background presented a huge obstical on their arrival to the new land. Their father forbid the family to speak German outside the home and disconnect from their Jewish background -- a large task for an innocent child. It is time to sit quiet and hear the full account of this child's heart .

(21)
Tammy,
November 27, 2011 9:06 PM

Why not

I think maybe people just appreciate that someone is there showing their support. You don't have to say anything at all, just being there weather you know the person well or not at all. There is strength in numbers they say and perhaps emotional strength as well. When this man looks back he may remember that he didn't know too many people but that they were there showing their support. And maybe thats all that will matter to him, and he will be appreciative and grateful.

(20)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2011 8:33 PM

Those of us who were fortunate enough to know his wife will remember her forever!

(19)
gert,
November 27, 2011 8:29 PM

opened my eyes--and heart

Thank you--article did open my eyes and heart--also br'ot tears.

(18)
Donsy22,
November 27, 2011 6:30 PM

Ah-Ha!

Reading this article reminded me that there is a friend of mine that had surgery this week. It wasn't major and I didn't think that I needed to visit her. I read this article and then said to myself, "Why Not"?!

(17)
ruth housman,
November 27, 2011 4:43 PM

Y NOT Why KNOT

I see the why, the Y, often, as the tree of life, and also as man reaching to the heavens asking the eternal why, of being, and especially of being distraught, through the sorrow, that so inevitably winds its way into all of our hearts, a story that must essentially be, about love itself. Not and KNOT, are aurally synonymous, and I think this very beautiful story has deep reverberations and should be read and pondered, for its loving message. We are all of us bound together, and even when we feel alone, bereft, there is this knot, that pulls us toward each other, a kind of umbilical cord, about love itself.
Your being the only one he knew is one of life's ironies, and beautiful, because despite your reservations, Shimon got you, to come, and this made you think deeply, about commitment, to those you do not know. This is a true story worthy of another Solomon.

(16)
Robert Lowy,
November 27, 2011 4:33 PM

Of course

What a wonderful story to explain the mitzvah of visiting the grieved and sick. When asked the question, perhaps the obvious answer should be "of course." Thank you for reminding me what a simple kindness can do!

(15)
Andria,
November 27, 2011 4:06 PM

Thank you

Thank you for reminding me that it can be the little things that make a huge impact on others and ourselves.

(14)
Anonymous,
January 22, 2008 2:53 AM

This essay by Rabbi Salomon was very powerful. I have more than once asked a particualr friend why she pays shiva calls to people she hardly knows, and I look forward to sharing this with her.Secondly, I receive the Partners in Kindness emails, so I appreciated knwoing more of the background of the project.Lastly, the challenge Rabbi Salomon offers us is huge.Thank you for all of these reasons.

(13)
Anonymous,
January 21, 2008 4:09 AM

Rabbi Salomon,I read this and have lived some of the stereo typical responses inthis article. Lately, at times, I would be talking to my wife of 36years this February, and catch myself making some of my "off the cuff"responses that no basis of "truth", and I say to my wife, "I don'treally know, I just made that up I am some opinionated, :).' And sheoften says, "Very good!" And so I am still learning life.

Thanks to Aish.com for publishing that article.

(12)
E. M. Lefrak,
January 20, 2008 4:49 PM

more on "why not"

This is not a new idea at all, but based on what I've learned: if everyone says "why not," the important won't get done. What if everyone were to say, "I don't know the mourner, so I'm not going?" The mourner's pain is only made worse.Recently, I was on a bus next to a lady who had a foot difficulty. I was in a quandry as to whether I should offer her my cell phone or not. Then I decided to - and she appreciated it. Why not? Aside for the reward, sometimes your help may really be needed.

(11)
andrea chester,
January 18, 2008 9:56 AM

thank you

thank you for that story. not only does it teach us a lesson about humility, it shows the deep humility of your own soul. i'm sure God smiles when He thinks about the people this little story will touch.

(10)
annie.trollope,
January 16, 2008 4:48 AM

Why Not / Why - both very relevant

It takes courage to take the approach of 'Why not' and even asking 'Why" for both eventually have consequences. Why not reach out and share in the hurt and loss of another (whether stranger or friend), Why - because that is what God expects of us to reach out and love, serve, console.

I am not a Jew and do not understand all but it has taken me almost 20 years to realize that a comfort zone of 'I think I'm there where I should be and I'm doing that which is right' only to arrive at a point of an ultimatum, a last chance at OBEDIENCE to the Word and teachings of a Sovereign Lord.

I can relate to the piece of paper/writing with a few words and want to share as encouragement to all :-If I depended more on God's unfailing plan, I would have realized how little depends upon man.

Yet thru the actions of people we are encouraged to move forward in life without fear and the promise of freedom from that the world offers being eternal bondage.

(9)
Rosen,
January 15, 2008 10:59 PM

Better to say "Why not?" than "why?"

It would be nice to hear more people say, "why not?" as opposed to "why?" If only customer service had more of the attitude of "why not?" (i.e. "yes") as opposed to "why" or saying "no" (but with the exception of the credit card crunch). If only certain customer services like the airlines and the health care industry were more tactful in getting the customers what they want instead of getting thru so much yellow and red tape!

(8)
raisa.kitsz,
January 15, 2008 3:25 AM

every day

every day i read a story about personal growth, its really helps me to think about this ,like the story above .i never had a shiva for my mother or father, no with tears in my eyes i see what i had missed.on the funeral off my mother, my sister in law was laughing and talking like it was a wedding it was.my first funeral, i was only 19 ,i felt so abanded nobody comforted me only my oldest brother took me outside.and said they dident.. see each other for a long time, they told me not to cry,, and the sadness was so deep that i never cried for her i took 30 years before the the tears came.. (i lost my mother in5 weeks on leukemia)dear reader may this never happens to you..raisa

(7)
Anonymous,
January 14, 2008 10:14 AM

God Speaking

Blessed are the words you have spoken and shared. For you have walked the lesson I must learn to walk myself - I will take strength in your lesson and raise-up my voice in gratitude to G-d for this gift. Thank you =0>

(6)
Aryeh,
January 13, 2008 5:47 PM

do the right things

Thanks - I had wondered about this question myself and now I feel I have inspiration to b'n do the right thing in this kind of situation.

(5)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2008 3:09 PM

Thank you

What makes your writing so powerful is your willingness to expose your falibility, which in turn, can inspire others towards their own personal growth. My favorite piece, however, is still the description of your father seeing you off to camp ever year. It helped me understand things about my own father. Thank you.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2008 2:19 PM

I knew Shoshana Hayman Greenbaum

She was amazingly kind and sensitive and such a nice, good person who touched many people's lives. We were so happy when she got married after being an "older single." Her loss affects me to this day.Spreading kindness is a very fitting way to remember a person like Shoshana.

(3)
Benjamin,
January 13, 2008 12:43 PM

Two Lessons in One

Thanks for sharing your story. I was inspired by your asking "why not" as well as enriched by knowing that one should, in fact, visit a shiva home even if we don't know the mourner(s)or the deceased. I very much appreciated your own humility in sharing you hesitance, making your article that much more accessible and meaningful. Yasher koach to you -- and to your friend for initiating the mitzvah (which of course has led to another mitzvah)!

(2)
Stephen,
January 13, 2008 8:18 AM

Wonderful

Just what I needed to learn about. Thanks.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2008 5:43 AM

thank you

Thank you for such an inspirational piece of thought. Yishar Ko-ach. Please do not stop sharing your insights and may G-d give you many more healthy years of displaying that gift of sensitivity and wisdom you were endowed with. Toda Raba.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...