I didn’t write my blog yesterday. I only got a few hours sleep due to pain and worrying that I would sleep through my alarm. I went to my psych appointment and she put me on a new antidepressant that is out. I came home and had a severe flare. My pain was through the roof. I was supposed to go to the ball game but it wasn’t happening. After my mother made dinner, I took about an hour and half nap when my phone’s med alarm went off. I took my night meds and got so sick. I haven’t moved my bowels all week so been feeling ill and I think the new med just made me nauseous. I thought I was going to hurl. I took my Zofran and laid still. I also took some Mylanta because I had gas really bad. When I didn’t feel like puking anymore, I took some fiber to help my bowels move along but a few hours later, nothing happened.

I decided to try some Miralax to help move things. I was hurting so bad and I swear my stool was moving into my small intestine rather than move along to my colon. I was still passing gas but nothing else. I went to Walgreens and bought some and a Gatorade to take it with. Having suffered from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), getting constipated is a HUGE thing. There is a varied range of people’s degree of injury to their bowel nerves. Some don’t feel themselves go so become incontinent and being constipate helps to prevent accidents. Some have a designated shit day where they take laxatives and spend the day on the can to relieve themselves. Taking medication for pain can be constipating. I have no feeling for soft or loose stool so can pass them with gas if I am not mindful of it. Never trust a fart is a common saying among those with CES.

I usually have hard stool and can go with senna. Lately, because of my flares and needing more pain meds, it hasn’t been working. Usually fiber helps me move along and I try not to have plans the following day so I can go to the bathroom in the privacy of my own bathroom. I hate using a public restroom when out because I don’t have the mobility to reach my behind like I used to due to my back surgeries. When the fiber and senna do not work, I take Miralax hence why I went to Walgreens today. I have been having a ton of flatulence which I cannot trust. I was able to have a few movements after taking the Miralax but now I am having what is known as colon blow where all you do is go to the bathroom. Since I can’t trust a fart, every time I get the sensation of urges (I can’t tell if it is a stool or gas urge), I run to the bathroom. For the past hour, I just have been shitting little turds, which is annoying me as the stool is messy. My bottom is so irritated and I have to use the incontinence spray that you don’t have to rinse to soothe it.

The most undignified thing is, because I can’t trust a fart and I have a lot of gas, I am now wearing a diaper to prevent my underwear from being soiled. I already had one accident today that required a shower. With the comfort of the diaper, I can let loose and if some stool comes out, I don’t have to freak out and be constantly changing my underwear. I have taken some stomach stuff for gas so I hope it helps. I don’t want to take Imodium because I don’t have loose stool even though I know it would help the gas part.

Another lovely “perk” is nerve pain after moving hard stools. This rectal pain can drive people who have never been suicidal to become suicidal. Nothing is worse than a pain in the ass that no pain meds can touch. Sometimes the pain can last a few minutes or hours or days. It sucks. No doctor knows why, even the colon experts.

The worst part of this day from hell, is I have been going up and down the stairs all day as the bathroom is downstairs from my bedroom. I hope it doesn’t cause another flare. Yesterday’s flare is still giving me nightmares. My ankle has CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It doesn’t like movement. I am sure I will flare later tonight, despite taking a nap. Rest doesn’t always help my pain like some pain conditions. I hate the unpredictability that CRPS brings. I wish there was a way to control it but there isn’t. I long for the days when my pain was driven by activities during the day. Now, it doesn’t matter. I can be at home all day and I will hurt. I can go out a few hours to have a cup of coffee and write for a bit only to hurt later in the night. It is awful. I hate it. It has taken away all the things I love. I feel beaten. And then I will have days like today where I am crapping my pants. It’s too much. I just always hope that tomorrow will be a little less painful because that is all I can do.

I have CES also. I was told by a colon surgeon to drink a gallon of water and it will flush everything out. I haven’t been able to drink that much, but have been able to drink up to a half gallon. It usually will cause a movement. And since I didn’t use chemicals, I don’t have the pains that they create.