Eric - so sorry to hear that you are still 'in the trenches'. Divorce is not a fun thing, especially when kids are involved. Hope that things work out to everybodies best interests in your situation. Take care, friend (and feel free to rant on).

____________________"Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine, and we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down..."

Hope everything works out for you. I have never been married myself but have witnessed many splits of friends and relatives. Very rarely is it not messy and nasty, regardless of who is at fault. Hang in there and keep the faith. Good things eventually happen to good people and I'm sure you will be rewarded in the end.

Hey Eric, you have taken the first and most important step- accepting there is a problem. Like Ann Landers used to say, you need to decide if you are better off with her or without her. If with her, see if she will go to counseling with you. If not, go yourself, you need and deserve it.

If you are serious about a split, talk to an attorney. As others here will probably tell you, divorce can get very messy. It's a time when emotion is high and you may not think of everything, or may not make rational decisions. An attorney will help you protect your a$$ and assets.

Keep us posted. There are lots of fols here who are ready, willing and able to give you as much support as you need.

Lawyer up, and start signing things over to your online family for 'safe keeping'.

Hope it all works out, of course, but it doesn't sound like she will be a 'shake hands and walk away' person. Another point - be sure to attempt marriage counseling first. If it comes down to a legal battle, if you can prove that you were the level-headed one who tried to make the marriage work and suggested you BOTH attend counseling, 2 points for you.

Be as magnanimous and gracious as you can, particularly where supporting children is involved

BUT

One thing I would warn you about, based on my experience is being careful with joint accounts. My ex-wifes lawyer had her raid all the joint bank accounts before he served the papers-which since they are joint is PERFECTLY LEGAL. So, if you're going to go through this, and you want to hold on to your money, you need to do one of two things-get any money before she does (even if you just put it into a seperate savings account, or file first and as part of the filing have the judge freeze joint accounts, which from what I understand is not easily done. Also set up a new account if your paycheck is direct deposited and get your money out as soon as it hits or get the new deposit done before any filings take place

Otherwise, something you saved hard for may be gone and/or you will have no control over your own earnings

I was lucky in my divorce, no lawyers. My kids are good, I see them when ever I want, no set days or anything. You should talk to a lawyer to protect yourself and your assets.
If you have kids dont EVER talk bad about her in front of them. Remember she is their mother.
Try to keep it friendly.
Good luck...its not a fun thing

It does not have to be. But that does not mean you must run up the white flag on every issue just because you are male. Counseling and counsel are the correct ideas. And of course you should not secretly sign over assets to others; that will often come back to bite you. And never badmouth your spouse in the presence of your children. Good luck.

I was fortunate in that we were able to work out 90% of the issues with a Mediator. We would meet once a week or so, we would discuss issues and we were given issues to come to agreement on for the next meeting and then we hired a lawyer to review and rubber stamp our agreement.
Luckily it never became contentious and things worked out.

But most importantly keep the kids in mind, they didn't do anything wrong.

Sorry to hear that the troubles continue. I was married for 14 years when we split, but my divorce was different than most. We both had joint custody, but I had live in custody of my 2 children ( son 14 and daughter 9 in 1991) when we split up (a single dad till 2001 when the kids moved out).

My ex-wife (god rest her soul - passed of blood cancer in December) in January 1991 finally opened up after 4 long years of a dead (forgive my choice of words) marriage and agreed that we were not in the same boat any longer. After 3 months of talking, I was able to get her to admit that she wanted out. The rest is too long a story, but I went to a lawyer right away to find out my rights versus her rights as it related to the children.

I was lucky that the lawyer did not bill me for any of the consultations during the "pre-divorce" period. My suggestion would be to talk to a lawyer about all the events leading up to this period of time and find out all the "troubles" that lie ahead. It still sucked even when we had a amiable split.

I was very lucky that I was able to hold onto my pension, etc and also get my share of the house after they moved out in 2001. I thanked my ex-wife one last time at her memorial because she gave me the most important things (another bad choice of words) in the whole divorce and that was my children.

Give me a shout with a PM if you want to talk sometime and I will give you my #.
Peace, good luck and be strong,
JIM

My sister recently went through a very messy divorce and I learned a few things.
Definitely try for the counseling. It will help you communicate better and maybe things can even be worked out. Many marital problems are due to misunderstandings and poor communication. Go alone if the Mrs won't, if nothing else it will help you and your kids.
Never say anything bad about your wife in front of the kids.
Get a lawyer, ASAP, like NOW!
Don't post anything here that could come back to haunt you. Better yet, don't post anything else about this here. Could work against you. Probably best to talk to people on the phone, and no women! If the Mrs is mad she'll use all the ammo she can get.
Good luck.

I am not looking for answers. Just want you to look inside yourself and your family and hope the best for you.

You realize there is a problem.(this is good) What is the problem? Financial, Cheating, Abuse, Addictiion( not just drugs or alcohol. Something that is taking either you or your wife away from the family and is hurting the family without realizing it.) or just fell out of love(it happens)

Do you love each other enough that it can be fixed? Counseling is a good place to start. You both can realize both your shortcomings and work on it to better the relationship. This can only be done if both parties are willing.

If this cannot be resolved you need to get in cotact with a lawer for advice. Do not be blind about it. Remember to never pit the children against their mother. The kids will remember that and resent you for that later in life. Same goes for her.

What Linnie said is true. Do not say anything on a public board that is not meant for anyone to read. If it can be used against you it will.

Sorry to hear about your rough times. Hope it works out for the best for you. I am sure others are more experienced than myself. some great legal minds on here that can advise and steer you in the right direction if need be. Marriage can be tough at times and I guess sometimes there is no other choice for some couples then to get divorced.

There are times in relationships where you realize you do not want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Counseling is important because it can help you look at the issues that matter to each of you individually and also as a couple. You can also identify what needs are not being met and evaluate why and if they might be able to be met in the future with work on both your parts. When there is verbal abuse that is not acceptable, no form of abuse is acceptable which is why it is important to get your wife to go with you for counseling, if she refuses try to get her to go as an individual maybe they can help her. Some people stay together for the kids sake but being together and being miserable does not provide them with a happy life, they know things are not right, sometimes people use kids as a bargaining chip and even for blackmail (try to turn the kids against their spouse or mental revenge blackmail threatening that they will take the kids, get custody and not let you find them or see them again). Lawyers can find anybody and if they can't you can always hire someone from soldier of fortune magazine who will do that should a spouse disappear with your children so do not let fears keep you in a bad marriage. The first thing is to remember you have an intrinsic right to be free and be happy and if your spouse is preventing you from having happiness by belittling you, not supporting you or threatening you then you need to get out of that relationship. Men can be victims just as much as women are, you just don't hear about it as often. Take the high road and don't get pulled into vindictiveness or psychodramas (where someone tries to aggravate you for an extended period of time in a pathetic attempt to have some contact/relationship with you because that is the only way they can get it).

____________________"Mankind is a single nation" "Allah did not make you a single people so he could try you in what he gave you, to him you will all return, he will inform you where you differed". Quran Chapter 2 Sura 213

quote: Lawyers can find anybody and if they can't you can always hire someone from soldier of fortune magazine who will do that should a spouse disappear with your children so do not let fears keep you in a bad marriage.

I had forgotten about the Soldier of Fortune trick...

Eric - a good point that many have made here is in regards to the kids ... the importance of understanding that changes like this are difficult for everybody and that it's imperative to NOT get involved in name-calling, belittling, etc of your spouse where your children are involved...they are innocents here.

[Edited on 5/17/2007 by lolasdeb]

____________________"Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine, and we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down..."

Sorry to hear this! As a fellow divorced Dad, I would tell you the 1 thing me and
the EX did right was that we Did Not play our Daughter between us. The Kids are
the ones who suffer the most in these situations. As much as It is Hard, We still both went to her Soccer Games, Softball Games, Dance Performances etc.(And sat next to each other). Thats my advice!
Make sure the Kids are not involed in the Ugly Part of Divorce. Good Luck!

quote:Lawyer up, and start signing things over to your online family for 'safe keeping'.

Hope it all works out, of course, but it doesn't sound like she will be a 'shake hands and walk away' person. Another point - be sure to attempt marriage counseling first. If it comes down to a legal battle, if you can prove that you were the level-headed one who tried to make the marriage work and suggested you BOTH attend counseling, 2 points for you.

quote: Take the high road and don't get pulled into vindictiveness or psychodramas (where someone tries to aggravate you for an extended period of time in a pathetic attempt to have some contact/relationship with you because that is the only way they can get it).

Gina, that makes more sense than anything i've ever seen you say online here.

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