Would You Rather Be Friends With Justin Bieber or Selena Gomez?

Let’s suppose Biebs and Selena were the last two people on the planet, and you had to befriend one of them at the devil’s command. It would be pretty awful any way you cut it, scorched earth aside. Earlier this week we got a hint of the latter’s self-absorbed world of self-important handlers, including an ironclad publicity team who have apparently mistaken her upcoming album of (let’s just go ahead and call it) mediocre pop songs as the Holy Grail, via reporter Vinay Menon’s amusing account of an interview he did with her for the Toronto Star. Quotes from her bodyguards during a pre-interview/previewing-the-album ritual are especially rich in color. (“We need your phone, your tape recorder, anything else that can record. You also can’t take any notes. But I won’t take away your pen.”)

Then Bieber went ahead and peed in a mop bucket at a NYC restaurant last night. They’re really meant to be, those two.

Let’s watch that peeing-in-mop-bucket video over at TMZ, actually, as it may affect who you’d choose to become forced besties with if such an occasion would arise, and you can never be too prepared. It’s also quite hilarious in a “wow-that-kid’s-an-idiot” kind of way.

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Now a few things to consider when weighing your options:

– Bieber is quick to pick up a bottle of Windex and randomly spray things, per the pissing-in-the-bucket video. He’s a cleaner at heart. (+1 Biebs)– Though, just to be reinstate the facts, he’s urinating in a mop bucket. (-1 Biebs)– He may be a Republican? (Or at least a non-Clinton supporter.) (-1 Biebs)– Becoming his friend would give you the opportunity to rescue enslaved exotic animals, i.e. monkeys. (+1 Biebs) – You’d always get a good laugh looking at his pants. (+1 Biebs)– Selena drives the same car she’s had since she was 16. She’s just that type of girl. She even says so in interviews with the Toronto Star. (+1 Gomez)– You’d constantly feel like a big-footed ogre when in her small-boned presence. (-1 Gomez) – She probably has some cool Auto-Tune apps on her phone that you might be allowed to play with. (+1 Gomez)

In conclusion, I hope you don’t ever find yourself in close proximity to either of them.