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Confronting Girlfriend About Not Having SEX! (GONE WRONG!)

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Ryan and Savage's responses normalized the desire and behavior, suggesting that the husband was heterosexual, and was driven by the biological impetus of sperm competition , and voyeurism. But, it is at root of Dan Savage's past responses to these men, a response that Savage and Ryan didn't repeat in this column. I will tell you that in the research for my book, I heard lots of varied reasons for this desire from various husbands.

Many of the men I interviewed got a thrill, a sense of being "king" that they had a wife who was so sexy, that other men wanted to be with, but who ultimately came home with him, the husband. I think a discussion of this phenomenon deserves consideration of all the reasons and motivations. Sometimes, the husbands were very concerned about being seen as heterosexual, but they spent an awful lot of time looking for well-endowed men for their wife.

If they are used to such a voyeuristic process in their sexuality, there is some legitimacy to suggesting they may incorporate it into their marital sexuality. Nearly every couple I interviewed told me that after an episode of the wife having sex with another man, the couple felt like they were "in heat.

To my mind, a man who is that focused on the size of other men's penises really doesn't qualify as all that straight. It made the men feel powerful and successful, that they had such a sexy wife. While the wives by and large were happy with things as they were, the husbands often felt their wife's loss of sexual satisfaction more strongly than the wife themselves, and were motivated to encourage the wife to sleep with other men.