Calendar Girl (July) Chapter 1: Would Anyone Be Surprised if I Told You Mia’s New Client is Awful? No?

Calendar Girl (July) Chapter 1:

Blond. Blue-eyed. Tall. Goddess. Jesus H. Christ. The universe was laughing at me as I stood stock-still and looked the modelesque woman up and down. She looked like she could be Rachel’s ungodly perfect sister, and I thought Rachel was stunning. Nope. Totally wrong.

That seems like an unnecessary dig at Rachel. I’m starting to wonder if Mia secretly hates Rachel, actually. Remember in the last book when Mia was in the hospital and she said she was so lucky to be surrounded by men who cared about her, completely ignoring her one female friend in the room? Damn, Mia, what’s your deal?

Mia describes how sexy this woman is for another few paragraphs before the woman breaks in to tell Mia her outfit is shit and is generally pretty rude to her. This is a clear signal that soon enough Mia will break through this woman’s rude exterior and find a life-long friend.

“Did I do something to piss you off?” I readjusted the belt and watched her profile.

Her breath came out in a long, slow exhale before she shook her head. “No,” she groaned. “I’m sorry. Anton pissed me off. I was in the middle of something big when he told me to come get you because he needed our driver so he could fuck a couple groupies in the back of the Escalade.”

[…]

She took a quick right turn onto the freeway. “Can we start over?” Her voice now held sincerity and apology. “I’m Heather Renee, by the way, personal assistant to Anton Santiago. Hottest hip-hop artist in the nation.”

And thus, in the tradition of all Calendar Girl books so far, a friendship is born, probably.

Heather then circles back to tell Mia that she has to dress much, much sexier and wear the clothes waiting for her back at the house because she’s expected to by eye candy at all times. She also mentions that she’s the one who chose Mia, but I’m not entirely sure why at this point. It’s the same question I’ve consistently had with this series – why are people hiring Mia for the strangest reasons? Surely there are sexy, professional dancers who could star in a music video, and presumably there are already a lot of sexy women who would be happy to hang around Anton for free.

Mia turns her phone on and sees an angry text from Gin asking why Tai’s brother is the one who had to tell her Mia was assaulted in D.C.

To: Skank-a-lot-a-Puss

From: Mia Saunders

Just a little mishap. No big deal. Totally fine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll call you later when I get settled with the Latin Lov-ah.

To: Mia Saunders

From: Skank-a-lot-a-Puss

Latin Lov-ah? No shit?

It’s easy, too easy, to distract Gin from something that is actually important. Instead, she seizes this opportunity to make her usual crude jokes with a nice side of racism:

To: Mia Saunders

From: Skank-a-lot-a-Puss

I’d like to be the rice and beans on the side of his entrée. The churro to end his meal. The flaming flan he blows on and licks clean.

Ginelle, ladies and gentleman, always a delight.

Heather notices the texting, and when Mia explains that she’s talking to her best friends, Heather gets wistful since she has no friends. She’s just too busy with work! The evidence is mounting – Mia is going to be best friends with Heather, possibly get her and Anton together, or maybe inspire Heather to have a baby. Based on Mia’s track record, it could honestly be all of the above.

They arrive at Anton’s digs, and in the parking garage Mia admires all of his cars and bikes. Seriously, it goes on for a gazillion pages, and Mia decides she has to have sex on her favourite bike. I think this would be a breech of employee protocol unless Anton specifically gives the go-ahead here, and judging by the clear mutual attraction when he and Mia meet, her dream might just come true.

Heather takes Mia to meet Anton as he’s practicing a dance routine:

I fanned myself as I watched his body twist, turn, and catapult into the air onto his feet where he repeated the hip rolling pelvic thrust to the sexiest lyrics.

“Ride it baby, ride…” body roll

“With me, I’ll go all night…” thrust

“Let me do you right…” body roll

“And ride it baby, ride…” thrust

Damn. Those are some basic ass lyrics. Why is Mia so impressed?

Even though he is super rude to everyone around him including Heather and the dancers, Mia doesn’t seem to notice or care about this and instead continues to swoon over how sexy he is:

“Oh, Anton, you were amazing. So sexy.”

He stopped a few feet in front of me, eyes never leaving mine. Green to green. His blazing, mine turned way the fuck on. “Leave me.”

“But I thought after rehearsal we were going to have fun?” The two girls clamored for his attention.

His brows furrowed. “Anton don’t do repeats. Vete al carajo,” he said, and with a sweep of his hand shooed them away. By the grimace and sadness on their faces, whatever he said could not have been good. Later I found out it meant “fuck off.”

[…]

Yes, he made my pussy clench with a single lip lick.

Has Mia learned nothing during this dumb journey we are on with her? This guy is clearly horrible! Unclench your vagina at once, Mia!

The chapter ends with them eye fucking and then agreeing to go get something to eat.

Heather: You’re ugly and I hate you.
Mia: I sense a wounded soul.
Anton: Women are literally objects to me, to be disposed of when I tire of them.
Mia: OMG so sexy.
Rachel: It’s weird that you and your friend use gendered slurs to refer to each other and have seemingly no concept of boundaries.
Mia: UGH WHATEVS YOU NEED TO GET WITH THE TIMES YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY THE WEIRD ONE HERE.