The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running.

“I don’t get it,” said long-term reader and absolute bastard, Tim Trotman. “I think multiculturalism is an evil on a par with Voldermort and whoever made Cadbury’s Creme Eggs smaller and that poverty is something people bring upon themselves by not loving the Royal family enough and having sex in a way I don’t approve of, by which I mean having sex, and I believe these things because the Daily Mail told me them.”

“Now Katie Hopkins and Piers Morgan and all the rest of them are acting like they’re championing the victims of Grenfell Tower and the Finsbury Park terror attack as if they happened to real people with feelings after years of telling me that I should despise them as a swarm of other that’s ruining this country. I don’t know which way is up any more.”

“Next the Daily Mail will insist all us racist inadequates who can’t hold their drink come together to condemn the Finsbury Park attacker or it will mean that we’re all guilty and potential terrorists.” he said. “I’m terribly confused. Maybe it’s time to swap to the Sun.”