Much like how everyone listens with bated breath when a drunk uncle gives an impromptu toast at a wedding (Will he make an inappropriate comment about the couple's sex life? Will he point at the best man and say something a little bit racist?), so was the nation captivated by Vice President Joe "Big Fuckin'" Biden at the Democratic National Convention earlier this month.

In fact, Joe Biden was the most watched speaker of either convention, according to Nielson ratings. 14.7% of American homes tuned in to see him—a full percentage point higher than the number that watched the number two guy — Barack Obama.

Unfortunately for Americans, Joe Biden didn't refer to Obama as "one nice sonofabitch" or Romney as "that cocky sonofabitch" or the myriad Romney grandchildren as "those little sons of bitches," or hold two cantaloupes up to his chest like breasts, or do any of the hilarious Joe Biden things he usually does.