Caramello Man

I had a dream last night. It was 2016. I was watching Arsenal vs Manchester United at the Emirates. Wilshere and Chamberlain had played their socks off but still lost 3-2. The Home supporters were in good voice and why wouldn’t we be. We had beaten United for the second time this year. We were on a roll.

It was the same story last year. We won the Premiership in 2014/15 for the first time in 11 years. It was sweet. Not quite as sweet as I thought it would be after the dust settled, but still, who doesn’t like winning. Not me for sure. But oddly, I couldn’t help thinking that it wasn’t even as sweet as the celebrations of 2011/12 when we beat Chelski 5-3 or The Spuds 5-2 or City 1-0. Shit, we went deliriously bonkers with joy. That was the last time I was that ecstatic I think. Still, we’ve got silverware to show for last season and more on the way for sure.

Let me fill in some gaps for you. It all happened so quickly in the end. 2012/13 saw Sheikh Ali Shar Uzmanour buy the club from Kroenke, lock, stock and barrel. None of us saw it coming. Kroenke didn’t want to sell and didn’t have to sell. But Ali Shar had something over Kroenke, incriminating photos involving fishnet stockings, it was rumoured. Anyway, whatever it was, it was unbecoming for the husband of a Walmart heiress, and Kroenke was sick and tired of the British tabloids. He took the money and bought Dortmund with it.

Now we had Oil Money and lots of it. We could actually, finally outspend Chelsea and City. And spending we were! It was great.

I was against the Oil Money, on principal. I think we all were, mostly. But we supporters didn’t get a vote so it didn’t really matter what we thought. I remember saying to my mates in the pub the night it was announced that my conscience was clear. I never wanted it and I spoke out against it. But it happened, so we might as well enjoy it. Let’s see how the other half live. It was the best of all worlds. We got the money and it was guilt free. Oil money, blood money. Isn’t all money dirty anyway.

Our team against United that day? Midfield was Xavi, Iniesta and Busquets. Our defense was Cole, Kompany, Ramos and Alves. Our Keeper was Joe Hart. He had left to join us because he wanted a club that matched his ambition. Doubling his money didn’t hurt either.

And our attack? We had a front three of Ronaldo, Messi and Theo. CR7 and Messi refused to pass to each other but it didn’t matter. They scored anyway.

So, no wonder we won the league last year. It was great sticking it to Chelsea and City. Playing Everton and Fulham though, not so much. We beat the snot out of them. But it was playing United that was the strangest of all.

Our new chant was “We spent some fucking money!” which used to be funny but it now left me a little uneasy. United were still doing the self-sustaining thing. They could almost compete with the Oil Money clubs but not quite. They had been particularly successful in the commercial arena and in monetizing their worldwide fan base. We were working on that too but it wasn’t as urgent for us. We had the best and easiest money there was. And that FFP stuff? That turned out to be a joke. Money and Football? Turns out it was just like Money and Politics…because it was. Money always finds a way at UEFA and FIFA.

As I was saying, playing United was the strangest. They played great football for most of the season. Last year we didn’t catch them up till the 30th game of the season. Ferguson was still a wily manager and still going strong. But his squad was just that bit too thin off the bench and it seemed to be catching up to him again this season. It was game 33 of the season and we were now 7 points ahead of United and were pushing on. We were 3 points ahead of City and 4 points ahead of Chelsea, so it was going to be an exciting finish, at least for the top 4.

Spurs were still comic though. They too had been bought by a Sheikh. When we that news we nearly shit ourselves. But there was no need to. They were bought by a second rank Sheikh. Our Sheikh had twice as much money as theirs. Sheikh Ali Wais In Ur Shadah was the cause of much merriment at the Emirates. Typical bloody Spuds, they can never get it right.

The thing was, I couldn’t help rooting for United when they played anyone but us. It was great seeing The Ox and Wilshere “expressing” their full potential. Shame it couldn’t be at Arsenal, but how do you keep Xavi and Iniesta and Co. on the bench. In fact how do the Ox and Wilshere even get to the bench when you have the bench we have: Ozil, Khedira, Neymar, Hazard, Gotze, Mata, Tevez and Balotelli.

Actually, Tevez has been suspended for miming the act of buggary in front of a worldwide audience of 500 million in the CL quarterfinal (which we won), when the manager tried to call him off the bench in the 82nd minute. So right now, Tevez is off playing golf in Spain for a couple of weeks. The manager says he’ll never play for us again so that means he won’t get another game for us for a month or so.

Balotelli is his usual self, except that that fireworks incident with his mates in his bathroom in 2011 really left him feeling humiliated. He swore to himself he’d never become an object of ridicule like that again. So now he hangs out with Werner Von Braun and a number of other German rocket scientists. The launches have gone much smoother. In fact, he is taking commercial contracts for launching satellites from Sky, AT&T, and the Chinese. Football is kind of a secondary thing for him these days.

And it’s rumoured we have just signed some 3 legged Brazilian wonder-kid who is going to be the future. He’s at our Academy which is now based in Barcelona. Actually, it is the Arsenal La Masia Academy of Barcelona now. Eventually, we just said, “Screw it!. We’ll buy it. We’ll cut out the middle man”

After today’s game, the manager handled the media questions with his usual indifference. Mourinho has taken to reclining on a Chaise Longue, naked and oiled, while teen boys drop peeled grapes into his mouth. He ignores most press questions until they get to one he deigns to answer. For example, today he decides to answer the question from John Cross on why he tried to eye-gouge Alex Ferguson when we were already winning. His curt reply: “Because I can.”

You will be wondering what happened to Arsene. Wenger was ousted shortly after the takeover, not because of performance, but because of the Platini incident. Wenger was so pissed off with UEFA’s bungling of the FFP implementation that at the 2014 World Cup where he was a TV commentator, he snook into Platini’s hotel room while he slept and in the dark he slipped an unwrapped Caramello into Platini’s undies. His prank was supposed to shock Platini into thinking he had shat himself. However, in the darkness, Wenger had failed to notice Sepp Blatter sleeping in the bed beside Platini. Sepp liked to sleep with his right hand sandwiched between Platini’s warm buttocks. When Sepp awoke in the night to find a brown warm mess on his hand, he did what you would expect Sepp Blatter to do. He licked his fingers. And it was gooood. By the time Platini awoke in the morning there was no sign of the melted Caramello mess. Michel was oblivious to the whole thing apart from being somewhat confused by Sepp having chocolate all around his lips. Blatter never mentioned the “incident” because he was now convinced that Platini shits Caramellos and has been waiting up all night, expectantly, ever since.

For the rest of the tournament Wenger alternated between chuckling when he passed Platini and sneaking up behind him to whisper “Caramello” in his ear.

The Caramello incident was the beginning of the end for Wenger, and the end came quickly. Arsene was last rumoured to be supervising a chicken plucking factory in Inverness. A local reporter said that Wenger had radicalized how the 110 chicken-plucking employees were now organized on the production line. He switched them into more of a 400-400-200. (@goonerdave66’s reaction: “About effing time!”)

So, yes, things have changed a lot around here at the Emirates. We’re winning stuff. I don’t have to take any shit from Chelsea supporters in work anymore. I’ve got the “My Sheikh is bigger than your Oligarch” thing going for me. But I haven’t the heart to give the United supporters any real grief. I know what they’re going to say back to me and I’d prefer not to hear it, to be honest.

And a lot of our new “supporters?” Jesus wept! The whole purpose of having a Chelsea and a City was to make sure these Neanderthals supported another club.

And, it took me a while to get used to the new kits. Our away shirt in 2013/14 was a nice blue, though to be honest I always preferred yellow for the 2nd shirt. ’71 and all that. But yes, it’s a nice blue. I’m not very good at describing shades, but I’d say it’s about half way between the City blue and the Chelsea blue. Then in 2014/15 they swapped the away and home shirts so now we play in blue at the Emirates. That’s taken some getting used to I can tell you.

Anyway, as I left the Emirates after the game, this grubby looking beggar approached me, tall and thin and smelling of garlic. “Like to buy a soul?” he said. I said “Pardon, mate?” It was hard to understand what he was saying, though he had a familiar accent. French, perhaps. “Like to buy a soul?” he repeated. “Errr, not today mate,” I joked. “Zat is a pity,” he mumbled. “Did you get many takers today?” I asked, making conversation as I continued walking. “Little bit,” he said, as he turned gracefully back to towards the stadium. “Little bit,” I heard him mumble again. I stopped to look back and watched for a moment. There he stood, tall and thin, pointing elegantly to 10 or 11 other street beggars and homeless types. He seemed to be trying to get them to stand in various particular spots but with limited success. “That’s peculiar,” I thought to myself.

Christ!!! You just won Best Blogger of the year with that, Its Massive!…Hey need to run a commentry on your Blog mate. The Ox on the wide with a romantic pass to Blogwhenhewants2 & strikes to the Goal post…ohh its in! Its in!!! Absolute Brilliant!

Great post! Very funny but dreadful future. I really appreciate the way we do things and the class that AFC has but I can tell you that winning with money does not belittle or ruin the winning feeling for fans.

I’m an Arsenal fan living in Manchester and I work at the man city store. The passion that their fans have is actually pretty great, they take nothing for granted because they’ve been there through multiple relegations and all.

When they won the league there was hysteria, and tears, lots of tears. Now I’m not saying spending a billionaires oil money is the right way of doing things but if anyone says it just wouldn’t feel right winning that way, I couldn’t disagree more.

Fully respect your views mates. You make some valid points too. Man City is a bit different. If I were a City supporter I would be relishing victory. But part of that is that they’ve never won anything, AND I they know that buying Silverware was the only way they could win. I’m sure they have always though the game was rigged against them because they never had the funds. So long term fans of City should enjoy the success. But they will also feel somewhat alienated by the new Money/Power culture that comes with it. It will change their club UTTERLY. Only the shirt colour will stay the same, if they are lucky. But then they have nothing to lose, nothing to give up. Though once you are given the money and the silverware, you never give it back. That is also part of my point. Arsenal has a lot to lose if we dive in to the sea of Oil Money. Actually we have a huge amount to lose. I can honestly say, I have no interest in watching a group of hired Galacticos at Arsenal but you could probably corrupt me and most other fans over time because these things happen in stages.
I DO agree that winning is everything. Silverware is the goal. But it’s everything as long as you go about it the right way, the Arsenal way. Winning the Tour De France on EPO would not be the Arsenal way, I pray. The Arsenal way can and will evolve but injecting 100s of millions is not evolving and progressing. It’s selling out. That’s who Chelsea and Man City are. Do we need another Oil Club? And if we became that Oil Club, who will replace Arsenal and how we do things?
Anyway that’s my perspective. I would still appreciate your counter points.

True they had less to lose as they were in a pretty bad situation (though they have won the league three times now, they do have quite a rich history). It would be a huge and risky move if we went down the same path as we are one of the leagues top clubs with a philosophy that is famous and respected.

I do think we would all be won over after the first oil trophy, or Aguero-esque signing though. But it’d be so much sweeter if we did it the Arsenal!

sorry mate….winning is important and it doesnot necessarily mean that we have to spend ….it seems that u want to say that winning the trophies wont matter much cuz it will be cuz of money…..dont quite agree with that…we will win….we will/wont spend but that wont affect the sweet taste of triumph…..Real madrid/Barcelona fans are must be as happy as one can be when their team wins trophies…would u really mind messi playing for arsenal ? i would love all the greats play at arsenal ofcourse their poor conduct would be an embarassment but its not necessary that all great talents are ill-mannerred….though ur way of writing and skills are one to be applauded…i dont quite agree with the fact that winning comes in lieu of money. would love to read a blog on the same lines where arsene is the coach in 2014 and we win the major trophies …

Fully respect your views mates. You make some valid points too.
I don’t think RM and Barca fans think they are financially doping, even though both clubs owe about 1/2 a billion each. But then they are so obsessed with each other that their frame of reference is that they are no worse then the other guy.
I DO agree that winning is everything. Silverware is the goal. But it’s everything as long as you go about it the right way, the Arsenal way. Winning the Tour De France on EPO would not be the Arsenal way, I pray. The Arsenal way can and will evolve but injecting 100s of millions is not evolving and progressing. It’s selling out. That’s who Chelsea and Man City are. Do we need another Oil Club? And if we became that Oil Club, who will replace Arsenal and how we do things?
Anyway that’s my perspective. I would still appreciate your counter points.

Superb post. If oil money were to be injected into Arsenal and if we become like city, i would never love Arsenal in the same way i do now. They would still be my club but i would never be able to give the same love if my club becomes the very things i hate with a passion.

Haha. No mate, Wenger is not the devil. A true artist cannot tell you what his art means. It is for you to interpret but no, Wenger as the devil is not one of the options. Sorry if it was an ambiguous end. Thanks for reading.
PS: I’ll give you a small clue, Arsene is offering us back our souls which we sold to cheaply.

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