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Sometimes you think you have nothing to write about and then Tennessee legislators come along and save the day. They have voted to designate the bible as the state book. Apparently there is no poverty, illiteracy, homelessness, or other problems in Tennessee for them to work with so they are forced to spend their time trying to figure out what should be the state book.

I’m from Minnesota and I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t believe we have a state book. We have more lakes than anyone else but we have no state book. I think this must change soon. Since the bible is already taken — and I don’t want us to be accused of being copycats — I have some suggestions:

A Fan Favorite

For the foodies of the state

Don’t they all???

Our secret weapon

A must have

Fashion ideas

Keep us humble

Why we have winter

While they were all contenders, and worthy of a good Minnesotan’s bookshelf, there is only one book that deserves to be called Minnesota’s state book:

All I did was say “Good Morning.” I don’t want your first born (or any born) child. I don’t care if you know Jesus. I am not a zombie who wants to eat your brains. I’m not a vampire who wants to suck your blood. I’m not even that creepy person from English Lit who you think wanted to ask you to the prom but you’d rather dance naked in the street with your weird cousin from New Ulm than go to the prom with them.

I’m your neighbor — I live in the same building you do — and I just said “Good morning.” The proper response is “Good Morning,” or “Hi,” or “‘Sup.” The proper response is not to just keep walking and ignore me.

This happens all the time in my building with some of my younger neighbors. I’ll say “Good Morning” or “Hello” or something as threatening as “Hi,” and they look past me with this kind of fear on their face — it could be disdain — so with fear and/or disdain on their face. They look at me with disfainear. I like making up my own words.

Sometimes I have come back into the building after taking Miss Daisy out for her morning toilette and will see one of my neighbors leaving as I’m coming in. “Good morning” I’ll say and, of course there is no response. So, since they don’t talk I figure I have to pick up the conversation and I’ll just continue “Well good morning Mary how are you? Well I’m fine, thank you for asking; how are you? Just fine, have a nice day Mary. Thanks you too.”

I’m amused but the mute person in the lobby is just confused. Perhaps if I texted them “Good morning” I would get a response. Now I’m sounding like the old guy who yells “Get off my lawn you dang kids.” But I just want to let you know that if someone gives you a greeting it is nice to acknowledge it — unless it is a man in a station wagon offering your candy.

If you’re not sure how that is done here is a little video to help you:

I have been saying “I’ll get back to writing my blog” since, well my last post was August of 2015. Hey, at least I didn’t wait a whole year. Good on me!!!!!!

So here I am at the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Conference where I paid a lot of money to learn about writing and what would be a better place to return to my blog than here and now.

Here I am in lovely Dayton, Ohio. At the Minneapolis airport I was stopped at security and patted down and felt up. Never happened before. I am even prescreened for god’s sake!!!

I looked at the screen — which apparently is a no no because I was immediately told to turn around — and there were squares around my neck. I can’t figure out what was in there that would have set off an alarm. Perhaps I have too many skin tags and if I rub them together I could create some kind of spontaneous fire? I was asked to remove everything from my back pocket — I had no back pocket so I’m thinking butt cellulite perhaps showed up. They also rubbed something on the palms of my hands and then scanned it. Cootie checker? Perhaps I had rubbed Daisy’s belly one too many times. I don’t know.

I am tremblin’ with fear. The doctor’s office has sent me a notice on YELLOW PAPER that my payment is due NOW. What am I to do? The yellow paper is right up there is a horse head in your bed. Oh wait, that’s right, now that the yellow paper is here I can simply pull $300+ out of my ass. I forgot.

By the way the bill was paid but it must not have gotten there in time for the YELLOW PAPER to be released. How am I suppose to live with this for the rest of my life. In fact I think I have a lifetime of pain and suffering ahead of me. Someone get me a lawyer.

I found this in one of the many catalogs I receive. I had to wonder 1) who invented this; 2) who would buy this; and 3) does it come in different styles. For instance could you get one with a suit and tie (or a half a suit and half a tie) for those times when you just want to snuggle with a corporate giant. Or maybe one with a plaid shirt for a cuddle with those lumberjack outdoorsy guys. Or perhaps a guy in a t-shirt that says “No Fat Chicks” when you want to snuggle with a loser. And perhaps in a variety of skin tones in case you aren’t turned on by this pasty white dude.

I went online (my favorite place after Ben & Jerry’s) and found a patent for the “boyfriend pillow.” It originated in China and states:

With the concept of people working and living the concept of change, accelerated pace of life, in a tight spare time, sleeping, relaxing, not only requires the body needs to be relaxed, but also need to get some psychological comfort, especially modern city single women, especially.The headrest on the market today can not meet this requirement.

So, as the catalog said, snuggle up and get cozy with a pillow that likes to cuddle and has a motion device that makes the pillow soothingly vibrate (batteries not included).”

I understand it is so real that if you start to tell it how your feeling it immediately turns off.

Oh and don’t worry guys — you aren’t being forgotten. There’s the girlfriend pillow. I just don’t know why she is wearing a dishwashing glove. Oh, wait, I do understand.

I’m still alive. Very busy earning an A. Hope to make that an A+ soon.

I am sorry I’ve been away but I’m working on a big project that I plan to launch around the first of the year. Keep tune.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Daisy and I are having a fun first holiday season together. She has really settled in and follows me every where I go … fortunately for her I don’t move around too much, especially after work. These past few days she is getting her work out as I bring things out and put them up for Christmas. She finally gave up and just hopped up on the chair and laid there staring at me. I have drastically reduced my Christmas decorating this year. I love the decorations when they are up but I hate 1) putting them up 2) packing away stuff so I have room to put them up 3) taking it down and 4) unpacking all the stuff I put away to make room. So it’s a minimalist Christmas this year — well minimalist for me.

I will try to be better at posting … if not I guess it’s back to the stockades for me!!!!

Well I have my hat for the winter. And it is winter isn’t it? Yesterday I waited half an hour for my bus. I was so happy when it arrived I almost kissed the driver.

I don’t think Daisy is too fond of cold weather. When we go out she is constantly shaking herself. I may have to buy a coat or sweater for her. She’s so tiny and thin that there is no body fat on her. She is truly a skinny little bitch

This past weekend some sort of virus got into me and I found myself cleaning — no real cleaning. I actually mopped my floors. I know hardwood floors are the in thing to have but if it ever have the money I would replace them with carpeting or I’m going to buy room rugs or Italian marble floors — yes that’s what I will get and then some statues with water coming out of their mouth or other orifices. Actually I could just keep my floors and hire someone to come in and clean. That is my idea of luxury, to have someone come in once a month and clean and bake and cook and give me a mani/pedi. Oh dear, I’ve watched way too much television.

Next week we get a long weekend. In case you didn’t know I will be doing stand-up for the first time in probably 10 years (if you don’t count my Fringe shows) on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Here is the information:

Well the sun has come out … both outside and inside. After months and months and months of feeling in limbo about money problems they have finally all been resolved. None of them are exactly what I was hoping for but they are resolved. It’s amazing how just knowing where I stand makes me feel better — even if I’m not standing where I want to. As the great philosophers (the Rolling Stones) said you can’t always get what you want but you get what you need.

So now I can move on and make decisions based on fact not maybes. How nice.

And the sun is shining outside and it will be a heatwave in the 50s this weekend. I’m going to have to dig into my cedar chest and find my tankini so I can head to the beach.

Last night I was watching television (such an unusual evening for me — yeah right) and this commercial came on that started with a scene from the ocean and I thought it was going to be some political ad when it dawned on me THERE ARE NO POLITICAL ADS and I was led to rise from my couch and do a short, but lovely, happy dance. NO POLITICAL ADS, NO POLITICAL ADS. It just brought out the hokey pokey in my heart.

I am amazed, or maybe not so amazed, by the anger over the results. I remember in 1980 when Reagan won my friend’s husband (now ex-husband) made a gigantic sign and put it on his lawn saying “What Have You Done America?” That was about as angry as people got — at least that I recall. And we all lived through 8 years of Reagan and his minion George H.W. It’s part of being in a democracy — you can’t always get what you want and sometimes you don’t get what you need either.

So today is a good day — and I’m hoping for many good days to come and I’m still hoping for a pony for my birthday because that’s the kind of gal I am.

Be it ever so humble and rather messy there’s no place like home. I was in San Jose (yes I know the way) for the weekend and got home last night around 7:30. I was frisked at airport security … well my ankles were frisked which was really odd. I have no idea what the x-ray showed that would cause someone to pat down my ankles but it was strange to say the least. My friend Geri has to be frisked all the time because of her knee replacement. She always tells them they have to buy her dinner but they never laugh. She’s playing to the wrong audience.

Tomorrow is Election Day. The madness is almost over or it may almost be starting. It’s so close I’m afraid there will be another Bush/Gore fiasco. I can’t take another Bush/Gore fiasco, especially when Bush ends up winning. But no matter what, the political commercials will end and the Christmas commercials will kick into full gear. Oh boy, I can hardly wait …

I have a poster from the 1972 election of Senator McGovern. It is framed and hanging in my living room. Many years ago when he was in the Twin Cities on a book tour I brought my framed poster to meet him. We talked about that time and he signed the back of the poster. It is one of those objects that I would try to save if there was a fire.

I am so proud to say I had a car with a “Don’t Blame Me I Voted For McGovern” sticker on it. And I’m prouder to say I had the chance to NOT vote for nixon.

He was a good man who spent his “retirement” years working to feed the hungry. I think he is one of the reasons I’m a bleeding heart liberal today. He was a man of peace who should now rest in peace.

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Mary Hirsch is an over the hill, over the top, over the weight humor writer and performer who has lived in Minnesota all her life except for a short trek to California in 2002 where she hated it so much she moved back to Minnesota in JANUARY.