Update from 2 years ago

2 years ago I posted a thread here and received a lot of support (my long, rambling thread is here ) and I just wanted to post an update.

After lots of couples counselling, discussions and a long and rocky road, H and I are separating. Honestly, the relief on my part is amazing. Before putting my foot down about the separation I was suffering from panic, angst, not sleeping or eating properly (constant knot in my stomach and nauseous even if my tummy was rumbling) and all that just disappeared once I had made the final decision. (Even my acne round the chin area that has been plaguing me for years, despite trying a number of products, just cleared up).

It hasn't been easy, I've been unhappy for years and tried talking to him about it. I've been wondering whether 'to stay or go' for at least a few years and weighing up pros and cons. I asked him for a separation a year ago. He promised to sign the papers a week ago (I'm still waiting, but he needed to look through them first and will contact me before Monday). We have been living in different countries for 6 months (he moved - he got a very good job offer). I know there is still a long road ahead (he doesn't really want this divorce and keeps dragging it out), but I am getting stronger and stronger every day and will see it through to the end.

Since he moved abroad, I have started listening to music again, I have started reading again, and my social life has been amazing - I never realised how many friends I have (I moved back to where we were living before that thread 2 years ago) and they have been so supportive. I have friends helping with babysitting swaps so that I can go out. I have friends who come and see me, to have dinner, play games or watch a film, even single, childless friends as they know it's not easy for me to go out and they want to spend time with me.

A few months ago, I started moving H's stuff down into the cellar room we have (we live in a flat) and it's amazing how much space there is now. Only problem is, all my books etc that have been packed away for most of our marriage, are now 'trapped' at the back of the cellar storage room. I have, however, a good friend who has said that he and a few other friends will come round and help empty the storage to get my stuff out, then put H's stuff back in until he comes and collects it. I am planning to start that project this weekend (am very excited, haven't seen those books for years, and I can hardly remember exactly what is there anymore!)

Suddenly I am really starting to feel much more like my old self and it has been great feeling that again (sounds cheesy I know!)

Not sure what the point of this thread is except to say thank you to everyone who offered me such good support on my previous thread. I can't believe how different I feel and how much more relaxed and happier I feel. It has been a difficult process and it is far from over, but finally I feel like I am enjoying life once again

First things first - yes I did pass my Master's I moved in with my parents for a month and a half and holed myself away with coffee and biscuits just coming out occasionally to play with the dc's although actually neither grandparents nor grandchildren seemed particularly traumatised by this (in fact, I rather think they enjoyed it ) 6 months later I got a temp office job for half a year, and when that ended, was offered a part-time job doing something equally dull and 3 months after that, was offered my colleague's job when she left (full-time, permanent, pension plan etc) and that's where I am now. It's not a huge salary - but we get by and I have economic independence It's also pretty unrelated to my degree, but I keep my eye on the job market and will apply for relevant stuff when it comes up - but this job is perfect for me right now as it's very much a 'leave work at work' type of job, so I am in no hurry to prioritise career as my life is at the moment.

Tuffinmop - good luck in your decision. I understand your predicament and it is not an easy place to be. But the important thing is to remember hope, however things pan out, or whichever decision you decide to take. Good luck (and use this board, it's very good for getting a range of perspectives, experiences and most of all, support!)

Annie - I found your posts very helpful on that thread, especially for adding another perspective. There are quite a few things he did after that, where I thought of you and started to see them in a different light (especially actions that, on the surface, were quite 'small' and where I normally would have glossed over them as in themselves they weren't worth making a fuss of, but in the context of everything else, they were like teeny tiny jigsaw pieces of a bigger picture).

Great, congratulations! And on your job too. Who cares if it's not "good enough" for you (as your H used to say) - it's a lot better than unemployment. Sounds like a nice place. They valued you enough to offer you the permanent post, and it's good to be valued.

A certain type of man likes to keep you indoors or under his eye the whole time so you can never pick up other people's views; your whole existence centres around him, you see the world through his eyes only, you have no support but him so you lose yourself entirely. And then you're exactly where he wants you.

One day you'll find somebody who values your independence and individuality. That will be a true partnership and meeting of (different, but complementary) minds. It is absolutely not worth settling for anything less.

I'm so glad you left that man! I've just been reading your old thread with my mouth open at his manipulation. Your self esteem seemed to be so low that you were giving consideration to the daftest of scenarios - you were told you were OCD but he wasn't washing dishes for days! The opposite of that isn't OCD!

I was so angry when you said how he ruined your studying, so that you missed half of an important lecture and came home at midnight to find a total mess. He knew you couldn't go to bed leaving the place like that - and who could, with wet nappies on the floor - and he knew you'd be tired after studying - he certainly made you pay the price for that degree, didn't he?

Your life sounds fantastic now and you seem so much more relaxed and not worried about the decisions you're making. He was really bad for you and I'm so glad you're away from him now.