Monday, 31 March 2014

Tim Sherwood might be a tactical genius but he's also excellent at being angry, to the point where he's making himself sit in the stands to avoid physically assaulting people, and especially his own players ALLEGEDLY

Tim Sherwood's Secret Tactics Notepad, discovered earlier today

Aaron Lennon went on Twitter to deny rumours that Tim went fucking raj at his players following their 4-0 pounding at Liverpool and I think we're all agreed at this point that there is no way in hell he will be the manager of that club after the season ends. There are people being investigated in operation yewtree with better job security but at least he's trying to look all clever by sitting in the stands. Maybe he's actually really nice and I'm just being mean, but after all 'life's like a box of chocolates'.

I was thinking about Forrest Gump the other day actually. That guy bought a shitty box of chocolates. Not only did his girlfriend die of aids but he was mentally retarded. It's basically like they found an abandoned dairy milk tray, put aids inside it and then he was like oh it's just life. If I got a tin of cadbury roses for christmas and one of the flavours had aids in it, I’d still prefer it to the purple ones with nuts in.

Joey Barton has decided to take on the world of money today by correctly pointing out that sports companies are trying to shag you and your children out of hard earned cash. Or if you're from Dundee, those coins you found while sitting on the street.

Nike have revealed the England World Cup kit today and it is available for you to buy for only..... £90. Ninety fucking pounds. For a t-shirt. Barton says:

Its literally a white sports top with an England badge on. Costs about £2 pound tops to make in some sweatshop in the east.

@TheSPORTBIBLE tweeted this:

Joey7BartonAppalling. In my opinion. Football again allows commercialism to eat away at its soul. Something has got to give.31/03/2014 12:20

He's dead on but it's been the same for about twenty something years now. If you go and watch any Premier League game you're basically just sitting in a rich guy's stadium named after the company that sponsors it, watching millionaire walking billboards compete against other millionaire walking billboards to win a trophy named after the company that sponsors it.

You can even buy the rights to host a World Cup nowadays or if you're fortunate enough to be legitimately awarded one, like Brazil, enjoy the ageing upper class men in charge force you to build redundant stadiums and five star hotels that don't involve too long a walk to the stadium. FIFA have created more white elephants than Disney.

I called the Scottish FA to find out how much our World Cup shirt was going to be but the lady said "I'm sorry we don't have any in planned production for the next 400 years" and then she played really loud bagpipe music down the phone, threw what sounded like an empty tin of tennants at the wall and sporadically shouted fuck off over a period of about ten minutes at me.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Now that Manchester United are finally rubbish, all of the horrible little goblins who don't understand how to support an actual football team (note the word 'support' as opposed to 'demand to win') have come out to start requesting David Moyes be hoisted out.

Fans like the guy above (video from Full Time Devils) have called for Moyes' head to roll and some have even got together online to save enough money (£1000) to fly a plane over Old Trafford saying 'Wrong One - Moyes Out'. It might seem a little extreme and the work of glory hunting bellends, but that's because it is. The Graudiad says:

Supporters have clubbed together through the Red Issue website to raise almost £1,000 for the planned flypast while Moyes's first season in charge has been so ignominious the usually supportive Manchester Evening News has taken to lampooning him, running an "excuses generator" from his nine months in office.

Poor old Moyesey. All he's done is led the team to its worst season in about 20 years and he's been told to kill himself, that he is hated, and some things that I don't think are real English. What wonderful supporters. If he hadn't endured the exact same abuse as a ginger person for the last 50 odd years, he might not have survived.

Celtic won the league yesterday and were very excited because that is their third time in a row.

With a wage bill of only about 6 times that of their nearest competitor, Celtic successfully won the 'easiest trophy in the world to win ever of all time' by beating Partick Thistle 5-1. Goals from 'that guy' and 'over paid' helped Lennon to his only silverware this year, having overseen the mighty Celts get binned out of the Scottish League Cup by fucking Greenock Morton, and then in the Scottish Cup by Aberdeen.

The only way I can put this mighty achievement into context is by telling a similar story, like the time I also danced in the streets through the night after winning a twix from a vending machine

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Manchester United got absolutely humped tonight bUT OH MY GOD CHRIS MARTIN AND THAT PALTROW ONE GOT SPLIT UP NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

by Anthony from Blue on f365.com

There was a lot of build up for the Manchester derby and thankfully the United side decided to give up within about 50 seconds of the kick off, allowing Edin Dzeko to score and setting the standard for the rest of the game. I genuinely thought Tom Cleverley was one of United's best players in the first half - I promise I'm not joking - and he was hauled off for the second, replaced by Shinji Kagawa who came on to play in the exact same part of the pitch as Wayne Rooney and Juan Mata like to.

Speaking of Mata, the recruitment at United has been shambolic. Fellaini signed for £4million more than he should have and is fucking useless. He can't pass, he elbows people in the face and as Paul Scholes (paraphrased) said on Sky Sports "you'd expect more goals for the money".

United are now 15 points behind City, had to employ security guards to stop people ripping down 'The Chosen One' banner from the stands, and Tom Cleverley was their best players for almost 45 mintues. To Alex Ferguson, that is the real life equivalent of me going home for the weekend to introduce my Dad to the mixed race homosexual man I intend to shag that evening.

Bayern Munich won the Bundesliga tonight and celebrated even though it was about as difficult as winning a twix from a vending machine that only sells twixes.

Bastian Schweinsteiger's wife (HOLY SHIT I SPELT HIS NAME RIGHT FIRST TIME!) was celebrating, just look at that pair!

of bewbs

har har har

But seriously, forks, Bayern walked their way to victory, dispatching Hertha Berlin 2-0 or maybe 3-0 - no one cares. No one cares at all, it's just a given they'll win. They have the best team on FIFA, the best manager in the world and everyone else in the same league is shit or injured. It's like Celtic except instead of Samaras they have Ribery and people actually watch. I know people will argue that Bayern have built that team over several years and it just so happens that every other club could have done the same but didn't, but you have to remember that people are sheep.

People will support whoever is winning, people will listen to whatever is on the radio and assume that it is good, people will eat McDonalds until another form of media tells them it might not be good. Stop glory hunting and support the team from the place you feel at home before you ruin all the rest of the leagues in the world, demanding that the world gives you something just because you decided you wanted it one day.

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

There's lots of news in football land but we aren't really a news source and I wanted to remind you all of how boring Ole Solksjaer is. He's really boring.

Just look at him. I used to quite like Solskjaer, or 'The Baby Faced Dickhead' as he's better known, when he would turn up at random places in Man United games and score goals for them, even though I don't like Manchester United. Here are some things he has said in press conferences:

Our agenda is to get the points we need

boring

Earning the right to play by wanting it more than them, running more than them cos I see these lads here now and they really, really want to stay in this league

And those are from the same press conference. Maybe I just don't like press conferences actually. Players who were probably fannying around with teammates about five months ago are now 'dead serious' about 'the lads' 'wanting it' and 'doing it for the supporteres'. At least everyone's 'attitude' is usually 'spot on'.

But no! It's different with Solskjaer because I like Malky Mackay and he's taken his job, even though the now ex-Cardiff boss was putting up with all the bullshit that Vincent Tan had been giving him like some sort of moustached bunny boiler. He was keeping it together for the kids, man, and Tan wasn't even putting out.

Solskjaer is basically the nerdy step dad who you hate while your awesome real Dad is off in vegas drinking pints with strippers. I wish Malky Mackay was my Dad

Because Andre Marriner can't tell brown people apart he sent Keiran Gibbs off for no reason in that Arsenal game everyone keeps talking about. It was funny. And even though Alex Oxlade-Long-Name-berlain committed the offence, he's gotten away with it. Scot free! MWA HA HA

While the Ox may look like a poorly drawn police photo fit come to life, his acrobatic dive to stop the ball going in his goal resulted in his poor little friend Keiran being sent off. Both Ox and Gibbs informed the referee that he had mistaken the two but this just confused him even more as he couldn't work out why Keiran Gibbs kept talking to him in different voices.

Later in the game he blew for a foul by Oxlade Chamberlain and was shocked to discover that Kieran Gibbs had returned to play again! "Why I otta!" he thought to himself, but there was no way he could justify sending him off again, and besides, Arsenal were getting pumped already.

Despite the calamitous error, the FA have rescinded the red card completely, and even better than that, decided not to demote or punish Marriner for his error. I actually think that's OK because referees get a hard time. I had to be the linesman for a game I was playing in the other day and my own team mates were fucking shouting at me for not getting decisions right, that I thought I was getting right. My own team mates.

Anyway, the lack of suspension means Oxlade-Chamberlain can work on his form to get into Roy Hodgson's World Cup squad and play three games this summer. Is Oxlade going to go? No-one knows but probably yes. And also I don't care. No matter who England put on the pitch in any of those games, you have to remember that they're playing in the jungle for some of them and that as always they'll be tired after an exhausting Premier League campaign. You also have to remember that they are all really shit and were never going to win it anyway

SOCCER! KABLLAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! It's the Manchester derby. Two teams of millionaires from places that have absolutely nothing to do with Manchester competing to win billionaire tycoons bragging rights. WHO WILL WIN?

“It was the first time I’d played them after joining City,” he said. “United are a club with history, with very good players and they were the champions. So I was surprised at how badly they played, how easily we won.

I love David Moyes - he's my favourite United manager probably ever and it doesn't matter how bad things get there because he has a "six year contract" and the Glazers won't fire him! I think at this point the only reason that remains true is Alex Ferguson took photographs that night they all "got loose" in the boardroom after a game. The other sports managers that the Glazers hire get binned all the time, and I know that because a journalist told me.

Full Time Devils interviewed this guy - who is so old he remembers the Busby years - and he fucking hates him. He also speaks a lot of sense and says more tactically astute things in about 3 minutes of interview time as I've heard Neil Lennon and Ally McCoist combined in the last 8 years. Or however long they've been there.

Man City meanwhile are rather good and have already won silverware this season. They won the 'cup that no-one cares about' and then went out of the 'cup that the tv wants everyone to care about' and then the 'only genuinely important cup in europe' so this game is important if they want their bonuses.

Of the starting lineups I don't think anyone actually gives a shit about 'local pride' or however Sky Sports decides to spin this one, it's just a bunch of rich guys trying to keep their place in the starting 11 so they don't go insane having to live in Manchester when they come from Brazil or something. James Milner is from Leeds, Joe Hart is from I don't care and Vincent Kompany looks like he comes from the moon.

I will of course be watching the Ross County v Aberdeen game and switching occasionally to see how many goals City are pumping United by. My prediction is............. United 0-4 City. And if that seems to change by the time the game's ended it's definitely coincidence

Arsenal got shagged harder than your Mum at a Take That after party this Saturday, and that's why Arsene Wenger will probably only sign a two year extension to his contract. Sad potato.

According to the Daily Mirror, Arsenal are going to start preparing for life after Wenger as he has decided he's had enough of finishing in fourth place. Wenger is something like the 3rd or 4th best paid manager in the world despite not winning anything for 9 years, but he has won several business gateway enterprise awards for helping build a nice big stadium.

Mirror Sport understands manager Wenger has agreed the deal in principle and is preparing for next season by discussing transfer targets, improvements at the training ground and player contracts.

I suppose the good thing about this is that we know it's true, because it's in a newspaper.

Mikel Arteta also came out this week and said "ohhhh i'm so sorry goonahs, we did not mean to lose the big match :-( " as though people thought he wanted to lose it. I like how Jose Mourinho must have worked out the exact way to beat Arsenal months ago and has been practising ever since. The first half was like watching me do the first level on Sonic 2 because I know exactly where all the little sign things are and you can get most of the emeralds if you know what you're doing. Then you get super sonic or his gay friend Tails.

Monday, 24 March 2014

I've met a lot of people who think they're good at media stuff and they almost never are. Especially me. How an actual company decides to run an advert as bad as this though is beyond me but whatever CUE STEVEN PRESSLEY

It's like the advert that Michael Scott makes for Dunder Mifflin except his is genuinely brilliant and this is... not quite there yet. And sure Michael Scott might be a fictional character but I haven't ever seen Steven Pressley when he's not on TV either so who's to say that he isn't made up too like unicorns or the clitoris

I'd like to point out that in addition to buying 'Don't You Want Me', which as you may recall is one of the most famous and successful songs of all time, you could also buy this, which isn't:

I guess I have heard that times are pretty tight for The Human League though so you should get there's if you have a choice. These days they only actually make thousands of pounds in PRS royalties a day. So sad.

Good old David Moyes is still in charge at Manchester United and that just makes me happy. He is my all time favourite manager at the moment and luckily for me and all other non-Man Utd fans, his job is totally safe. According to him

The ex-Everton manager is busy preparing for United's game against Olympiacos on Wednesday but that didn't stop him from reminding everyone that he is completely out of his depth at the moment:

"My future has not changed one bit," said Moyes. "I have a great job.

"I have a six-year contract. This club does not work on short-term vision, it works on a long-term vision."

This little statement came after a day which saw various newspapers claim that Ryan Giggs has ordered a hit out on him, that United are already lining up replacements, and for some reason that Mark Bosnich thinks he only has ten days left to save his job.

Where Mark Bosnich has come into this I don't know, and why something he says about a guy he's never met, about a club that no-one remembers him playing for is being used as a news headline is only slightly stranger than how Mark Bosnich looks like these days

I could write a whole thing on specifically why David Moyes isn't very good at his job but it's late and I don't really get paid for this like actual football writers do. Take that, society

Long time Fitba fans will know that I love AVB and want to be his friend one day, which is why I am very happy he now has a job in Russia, land of Yeltsin.

The former Spurs boss was hounded out of White Hart Lane for not winning the world cup already and so far that's worked out very well for them. Old Andre hasn't had the best of times in England so far but is now set to take Zenit St. Petersburg to new heights, which will be first place as their last boss was fired for having them in second. So no pressure

The good thing about AVB being fired is that Tim Sherwood has been given the chance to show us all his 'pashun' and given us all an insight into his tactical mind. While he may look like a man constantly hypothesising what the discovery of evidence proving the big bang theory correct means for the universe, if you could see inside his brain you'd find a football pitch with a cuckoo clock intermittently shouting 'ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME YOU CUNT'

The Daily Telegraph donned their special detective glasses today and broke a story about FIFA being corrupt. I couldn't believe it either.

That's the story above, next to a better picture of Mick Jagger than all of the other newspapers. I'd never been genuinely offended by anything in print media before I saw the Mail's front page today, and I have seen some weird stuff.

If any of this is true then it kind of undermines most of the stuff FIFA has ever done and confirms the suspicions of many that the headquarter meetings basically look this:

Ho ho ho. The very fact that Qatar, a nation not particularly well known for its links to football, and with a climate that would necessitate rearranging WORLD football in order to move the tournament to winter, was chosen seemed slightly odd at first. But then again, football and money go hand in hand like capitalism and money. If the sight of various footballers dying on screen from heat exhaustion doesn't get you excited, then hopefully the 800 betting adverts per interval will.

Speaking of which, while you'd suspect that if the actual tournament host was rigged then the games might not be any better off, most people will have a sneaky suspicion as to who will win the World Cup. These days you can bet on goals scored, red cards, how many prostitutes will be in the hotel room after the match and several more.

A senior Fifa official and his family were paid almost $2 million (£1.2m) from a Qatari firm linked to the country’s successful bid for the 2022 World Cup, The Telegraph can disclose.

Jack Warner, the former vice-president of Fifa, appears to have been personally paid $1.2 million (£720,000) from a company controlled by a former Qatari football official shortly after the decision to award the country the tournament.

I would never have guessed this before now. Qatar just seemed so friendly and inviting! Apart from the heat that can literally kill a human just being outside, or that most of their slaves keep dying trying to build stadiums. Oh and that gay people aren't allowed there.

We got in touch with Jack Warner to ask him why he was paid this money but he told me to 'watch out behind you!' and then when I turned around he was gone. It must have been something pretty cool. Wish I'd seen it!

Nicolas Quenelle-ka was fired by West Brom the other day for gross misconduct because his mate hates Jewish people. Hurrah!

The French player is friends with some comedian guy whose name I'm not going to Google because he doesn't deserve it. Before you jump on your high horse, I genuinely did lots of research on this quenelle thing because loads of young Frenchies claim it's 'anti-establishmet' and has nothing to do with being anti-semitic. The only problem here is that it definitely is, because all of those people do the salute outside Synagogues which I can't believe I spelled correctly there and because the guy that invented it genuinely thinks there's a global Jewish conspiracy to rule the world.

I also totally forgot that you can fire people in football land like it's a real job or something. The only people I've heard being fired are Adrian Mutu for doing shit loads of cocaine and Nicolas Anelka for this incident. This makes sense, because if I did either of those things I also would be fired. Ha ha! We're the same! This must finally mean that I'm safe to go out and kung fu kick that crystal palace fan from my office in the face! Paid leave?! YES PLEASE! nothing can go wrong!

Monday, 17 March 2014

Along with the rest of our beloved city, we at FitbaThatba have waited for 19 years to celebrate Aberdeen winning a trophy. AND NOW WE HAVE OH YES WE HAVE

The Dandy Dons ended a near two decade trophy drought by pumping Inverness Caledonian Thistle at Celtic Park. It was absolutely ace. Apart from all of the football, which was beyond terrible

The sound of Rooney's penalty hitting the back of the net is the best thing I have ever heard, and that includes the new Bombay Bicycle Club album and the bit in the Ricky Gervais podcasts where he asks Karl what he'd say to a squid.

Parkhead was absolutely rammed. Well... except for that massive green bit you can see that they just didn't bother selling tickets for because of police orders. That is probably for the best though since we all know that Aberdeen v ICT is a real fiery affair - how anyone expected to get out alive is beyond me. The amount of rusty hooks and shotguns I saw left outside the ground was astounding.

For those that haven't been to Celtic Park before, to explain what the surrounding area is like is best put by saying that if you imagine the first level on Golden Axe except full of people who think they're Irish, that's it. The various creatures that adorn the front doors of pubs on the way seemed very friendly, and indeed several had 'sheep welcome' signs outside. One of my pals noted that the Celtic supporting inhabitants of the East End of Glasgow seemed to be very much behind the Dons for the game but several of the people drinking there seemed to also really like the IRA, so he wasn't really sure if that was a good thing. As I recall, I seem to remember the IRA largely being considered bad, so we decided that it was bad. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind Celtic fans that you are indeed a club in Scotland. Not Ireland.

Journey complete, we took our seats in Celtic Park in the Jock Stein stand and joined in some lovely songs

I was absolutely shit-faced by this part of the game, having consumed fairly large amounts of beer in a short period of time in the hours previous. As in to the point where I was actually TURNING DOWN BEER. In the kangaroo courts of Aberdeenshire withholding beer is actually one of the punishments for murder. The other punishment is double murder, but I haven't really decided what I mean by that yet. I think it might be that you have to murder yourself.

Having given the world our Cup Final song, which is available on iTunes now, I was well placed within the home support, because that's what it was, and the crowd went through the numbers, missing only one classic which conveniently is also available on iTunes now. Commas

ICT decided that the best way to win a game of football was to not play football and "parked the bus". Johnny Hayes heroically injured himself in the first few seconds of the match by trying to jump over someone upside down, and both teams humped the ball forwards. Suddenly it was half time. That's about all I can really remember from that half. Instead of in depth analysis, here is a painting that someone did

by Colin Brown

It may look like the inside of the mind of a serial killer and maybe it is because I don't know Colin Brown but he kindly sent us this image to do something with. Perhaps this is the image Derek McInnes used to inspire his players for the second half, but that wouldn't explain why the second half was fairly poor cos this painting is ace. When I say the half was poor I mean a bunch of guys tried to header a ball farther than the last guy had for most of it.

Some bellend behind me started moaning that Aberdeen weren't winning yet and needed to 'get the ball forward', asserting that the best course of action was to 'get it in the box' - almost everything that is wrong with Scottish football personified in one man, whom I assume was wearing a bucket hat. I can never understand folk like that - I enjoy watching Aberdeen pass the ball about "for no reason" rather than just fucking whacking it towards some boy upfront - it's almost like they're playing real football as opposed to the nonsense I used to have to watch as a 14 year old. Maybe that's why we haven't won any trophies..... no. No, Spain are definitely playing the game wrong. We should teach them the style of our people.

Speaking of trophies, there was one up for grabs in this game and that was why every time Calley got near to Jamie Langfield's goal I was rather unsettled. Where better for Clangers to perform his next magic trick than the biggest game in the club's recent history? In the end he didn't make any fatal errors, and ICT had about 0 shots all game, apart from one where Richy Foran claims he was fouled. And he wasn't.

So anyway, some other stuff happened, McGinn missed a sitter and extra time would, to the neutral, have seemed like the most boring 30 minutes of football of all time, but to me was like the last 10 minutes in any episode of 24 when suddenly it turns out that the head of CTU was sleeping with the bad guy but the bad guy could turn into a wolf and could SEE THROUGH TIME and meanwhile Jack Bauer is punching a vaguely Iranian looking person in an abandoned warehouse while a clealry Russian person from a made up place picks up the phone and says 'get me the president' but on the end of the PHONE ISN'T THE PRESIDENT IT'S PETER PAWLETT BABY! PETER PAWLETT OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The full time whistle goes and suddenly I realise that I want to die or alternatively not watch the penalties. Either way I'm definitely going to poop myself at some point and then it gets better because the penalties are at the Calley end.

Also, I know having read Soccernomics that the team who takes penalties first in a shoot out wins 60% of the time, so I was really really happy when the highland huns also won the coin toss. NAAAAT!

Barry Robson took a three mile run up and slammed the ball in the bottom right corner of the goal and things looked good. Then some other chap from Inverness hoofed his shot into outer space and Nicky Low powered home, also bottom right. Things looked even better. Calley scored, Aberdeen scored (Vernon's penalty was an absolute peach by the way), Calley scored and it was 3-2 .

Rooney stepped up having to only put the ball past a keeper from 12 yards to win the cup.

And then we went fucking mental. I can barely talk right now because my throat hurts from screaming so much, and the entire stadium was jumping everywhere. People were bouncing around, hugging each other, several had tears in their eyes - I've never seen a football support like it.

The players chased and mobbed Rooney and all of a sudden we'd won a trophy. Below is a photo I've stolen from somewhere of a sight I never thought I'd see, I'm sure they won't mind

If there's ever like a weird experiment where a man has to impregnate another man to save the world, then I am sprinting to either Russel Anderson or Derek McInnes' house to take part. That might be my excuse anyway, I haven't really planned it fully yet. Whatever happens, I'm definitely trying to shag one of them.

So as you can probably tell I was quite happy at this point. It might seem a bit stupid getting rather carried away and writing a giant article on a largely Mickey Mouse trophy, but the people who think that are the ones who don't really understand football. The kind of fan who turns up expecting to win, not hoping. The kind of fan who moans on Twitter that their team hasn't signed anyone that costs over £20million yet. The kind of fan who doesn't understand the genuine pain of what it feels like to expect to lose most weeks, who will never know what it's like to support a club so far removed from the billion pound signing on fees and Champions League money football that it might as well be a different sport. The kind of fans who are basically just sheep, but not these sheep, because these SHEEP ARE ON FIRE!

What I'm trying to say is get that up you, you glory hunting huns. A special mention should go to my friend @adammorrice who lost a bet and had to be a 'full kit wanker' for the day. Extra special credit goes to him wearing shinpads. Follow him on Twitter if you like

I'd sobered up by this point and someone who wasn't me drove up to Aberdeen so we could indulge ourselves in some skite action. I got very drunk for a second time to celebrate winning the Scottish League Cup and danced about like a fanny with most of the returning support in the streets of Aberdeen. What a fucking night.

The trophy is being driven up the A90 as I type this out, according to Jamie Langfield

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

There are only three (?) days left now until the Scottish League Cup final, but you all know that anyway. Some of you even made it in our video

You can buy that song if you like. It's on iTunes and places like that right now, click on the lovely artwork to be taken there. If you do own another sort of phone or don't use Apple stuff like iTunes, I think you can get it on Deezer, what ever the living christ that might be.

We have had a magic response to this so far - The Daily Mail, Guardian, BBC, STV and all the local press have covered it in a positive light, including this giant back page spread in the main paper in Aberdeen

Which was pretty cool. Then STV (like ITV but for people who like heroin) ran a 'battle of the bands' thing with that Inverness Cally song, which can I just say, is hilarious. "It's Billy McKay". Yes it is.

Thought some of you might like to know how this has developed since the majority have been following us for at least a couple of years now - it's not exactly the most viral thing I've done so far but if you consider the population of Aberdeen is about 250,000 and this thing has had 32000 views, that's like 10% of Aberdeen or something like that.

Cup Fever has started! I definitely have it anyway. It's the one where the left side of your body goes numb and you can see through time isn't it?

I don't really understand why clubs keep doing these #askWhoever Twitter talks because the first thing everyone wants to do is ask a 'hilarious' question related to something controversial. Anyway, here's some of Rangers captain Lee Mculloch's ones from last week

I didn't write any of these because I didn't realise it was on at the time.

#AskLee Is it harder to score against joiners or plumbers?

#askLee What do Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Bob the Builder have in common? #tellLee They've all scored against you this season.

if you score past the opposition at the weekend does that compromise how well he cuts your grass on Monday? #asklee

Which do you feel is your strongest elbow? Left or right? #AskLee

If my dog dies, I get a new dog but call it the same name as the old one, is it still the same dog? #asklee

You get the general idea. I don't really need to add anything here. These things are never going to attract anything other than non-stop wind ups. They remind me of a friend I used to have years ago that we called MacGyver because he tried to use a Twix wrapper as a condom

When Usain Bolt isn't busy running very fast, he's trying to make football teams sign him. Now he's decided that club football isn't for him and that he's probably better suited to the international game.

I could relate to Usain but unfortunately I took the chance to officially retire from international football about three years ago. It sounds stupid but the coach actually wants him, telling The Daily Mail:

'In the German newspapers I read about Usain Bolt saying he wants to play football and he wants to play in Manchester (United in England).

'He's a Jamaican and I want him to be on the national team.

'This is our goal. Maybe after the Olympics in Brazil (2016), I want to see him in our team. That is what I want to tell him. I hope he wants to play for his country.'

The basis of this plan is 'that guy is very fast, he will probably run past the whole team every time' which to be fair to the guy, is the way that most people I hate play 5 a side but they tend to win. Usain Bolt is basically then the Jamaican version of Theo Walcott, where instead of a football brain he has 'fastness', which is not only a skill but definitely a word. Like speed, but faster. Tell your friends

Tom Cleverley gets a lot of abuse from football fans everywhere who argue it doesn't seem like he actually does anything. This is because they are correct, but that still doesn't mean they should have him hanged, or whatever this petition is for.

David Moyes has said "down with this sort of thing" even though as much as I'd like to be nice about Tom Cleverley, I do agree that he is utterly shit. As my Dad would say, he is about as useful as tits on a fish.

Tom is now the subject of a petition to ban him from the world cup squad which seems incredibly harsh for someone who's just trying to help. I haven't seen so many people sign a petition this mean since that time the community had me banned from being with 200 yards of the local school.

Monday, 10 March 2014

After several days of very hard work I am delighted to present 'Stand Free! The Unofficial Aberdeen FC Cup Final Song' to you:

Click on that picture to be launched to a brand new world full of videos from Aberdeen fans from across the globe. Locations include: New York, London, Manilla, British Virgin Isles, Toronto, Sydney, Melbourne, Dundee, Aberdeen + Shire, Dubai, New Jersey and several others I can't remember.The video also features my hero, Eoin Jess, the legendary Darren Mackie, Aberdeen's all time top scorer Joe Harper, our good friend Richard Gordon (@RichardGordon48) and super journalist number 1, Graham Hunter (@BumperGraham).Thanks to all who submitted videos - sorry if we didn't receive yours for some reason! This has been a pretty cool little experiment and a LOT of work.
Hopefully you enjoy it. Please share it around!

At a time when his club’s midfield woes have seriously undermined their chances of Europa League qualification, let alone retaining the Premier League title, Darren Fletcher’s gradual return to fitness may provide Manchester United with a little extra steel which they have been missing in recent months.

However, Scotland boss Gordon Strachan is the most likely beneficiary of Fletcher’s return, especially after being given such a tough draw in the Euro 2016 qualifiers. Trying to vie for a top-three finish in Group E with Germany, the Republic of Ireland and Poland is going to be tricky, so having a proven Premier League performer to choose could give Strachan cause for optimism.

Captain choice

Since taking over, Strachan has chosen to give the captain’s armband, once property of Fletcher, to the combustible yet capable Scott Brown. While Brown can usually be called upon to put a shift in against Europe’s finest, like he has done on occasion for Celtic in the Champions League, Fletcher would be a more sensible choice of captain, given his greater experience on the big stage.

Nevertheless, this is a dilemma which could cause Strachan serious headaches, particularly if the United ace manages to keep his recent health problems at bay for the foreseeable future. Fletcher is one of a handful of English Premier League stars who have their sights set on keeping hold of a starting berth in Strachan’s squad by the time the first qualifier comes around in September.

South of the border

In goal, Hull’s Allan McGregor and Cardiff’s David Marshall are vying for the role of first choice keeper. Going on recent form, McGregor has the edge, although Marshall has proven himself to be surprisingly reliable. Elsewhere on the pitch, Sunderland’s Steven Fletcher is our most likely source of goals, although Ross McCormack of second-tier Leeds United may be a useful back-up.

Scottish stars have been fixtures in many great English teams in years gone by. When asking how well do you know your team, some of the answers may be related to Scottish greats such as Charlie George and Denis Law, although modern internationals aren’t in the same league. Ladbrokes recently created a quiz, where many Scots past and present feature in some of the questions.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Charlie Adam likes to injure people and look old. Most recently he was given a retrospective red card for clearly stamping on Arsenal's Giroud. Not happy with being penalised for being a scumbag, Stoke actually appealed the decision, and lost. Now they are moaning that it's unfair and they are only being punished because they are Stoke, they really are the worst.

That is clearly a man stamping on another man, that man being Charlie Adam. Stoke's argument seems to be that Yaya Toure wasn't penalised for kicking Ricky van Wolfswinkel - which I've just realised is a wolf's dong. Toure should have been punished for kicking the Wolfman but that doesn't change the fact that Charlie Adam is a total dick.

Adam just needed to "plant his foot" and his eyes were on the ball at all times, apparently. His eyes were on Giroud's balls and he wanted those balls, hard. I think we should start a #justiceforstoke campaign. They aren't really a violent team, they are just misunderstood. There is nothing they would like more than to have a nice quiet walk in an autumn meadow. It's just games of football keep getting in the way and they have to boot people in the face to get to that meadow. Charlie's three-match ban still stands, and by the time he is back he will look 67, as he ages five times quicker than the average person. It's a disease, stop making fun.

Female International footballer Toni Duggan has displayed tremendous commitment to the art of fancy-dress, by blacking up her face for her Whoopi Goldberg outfit.

That is a picture of Toni Duggan in a perfectly normal situation, smeared in make up and surrounded by lighting men for a professional photo shoot. Below is Toni Duggan's effort as Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act, which to me looks more like Stevie Wonder.

A great effort we can all agree. Sadly blacking up for fancy-dress isn't advised when you are a professional football player and an ambassador for the "Kick It Out" campaign - the "it" being racism. Of course Toni has apologised for the outfit and at no point during the two hours it took to paint herself black, or the two weeks it took to prepare her outfit, did she think "maybe this isn't the best idea".

It's strange how black people never "white up", I guess it's because us white people are really lame. Maybe they do, I've genuinely never thought about this before and will have to go and google. Whatever the outcome, it had the desired result for Toni, I had genuinely never heard of her before and here I am calling her a fucking idiot on my website - she's made it.

We've written an Aberdeen Cup Final song and we want you to help us make the video. I KNOW YOU ARE EXCITED

UPDATE: Thanks for all your videos so far! I've seen people in places like Dundee, Aberdeen, London and New York so far but we need more! Also a sexy update is that we have actual 'celebrities' confirmed. That's all I can say ;)

I won't give anything away about what it is, but in this classic 'Cup Final' style song we want all of you to show your support for the mighty Dons from wherever in the world you are so it can go in our cup final song. To do this you need a smart phone or video camera, yourself, and a bit of paper and a pen.

WE ARE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE SCOTTISH LEAGUE CUP FINAL

Then you write a message on the paper like 'Good luck Aberdeen' or 'COYR' or whatever you want, film yourself holding it or get someone to film you holding it with whoever else for 5/10 seconds and send the footage to fitbathatba at gmail.com and then it'll probably go in the video.

We really really really need you to do it and send it by Friday afternoon or as close to Saturday as you can make it, and then basically you'll be in one of our videos next to various shitty drawings I do and some vaguely famous people.

To make it even better, if you can send your message of support from somewhere that looks cool, that'd be ace. So if you live in london, do it in leicester square. If you live in Dundee, do it somewhere that doesn't have barbed wire all around it. I know that one's hard.

Oh and even if you don't really support Aberdeen but just want to pretend for the cup final, that's totally cool

Behold! These photos were uploaded to Facebook by by Livian Hotico but I stole them from 101 Great Goals because I wanted to share. Basically some guy in Romania who paints the lines went to the pub first

I can relate to this guy. Most jobs and people are boring so the only way to make them better is by drinking. In fact most things in life are more fun while pissed - working in a bar, driving, biscuit factories. Think of any normal situation and then imagine being shit faced during it. It's better. Some people tell me that those are the words of an alcoholic but I only drink to prevent myself from having feelings and to repress painful memories, it's not like I don't have a choice. Nice try, Mr Scientist