Celebrity Smackdown: CelebriKin (Unfamous family of marginally famous people)

We are writers despite what you might think. We have written a few books now and are looking for representation so we can be published. So we have a question. Does everyone who gains some notoriety have a messed up family flailing their arms behind them to get noticed? We’ve heard of Stage Moms but nowadays a celebrities parents or sibling gets paparazzi after them as if they actually did something. Have we become that fame starved? This week’s Celebrity Smackdown goes to the most disgusting of the hanger-ons in Hollywood. I’m talking about Celebrity Families and they should be ashamed of themselves.

Lee says: During our weekly storybook meeting which we hold in a secret cave with wi-fi, a wine fridge, fluffy pillows and a Jacuzzi, we decided on the topic of families. When fleshing out each post, the Celebrity Smackdown was lacking specificity. Who to Smackdown? We have written about Lindsay Lohan and her leaching parents before and we have focused on Kim Kardashian who is famous for nothing really. We have yet to mention douche bags like the ‘actors’ on ‘The Hills’. Honestly we have never watched the show so we have no frame of reference except for what we see on TMZ or Perez Hilton. So when we ran out of wine and the Jacuzzi cooled down we decided to write about all of it.

We’ll start with the Lohan’s since they are just so incredibly dysfunctional that it makes me wince and I’ve worked with crack whores and pedophiles. It seems whenever Lindsay ‘I need a hardcore rehab without Egyptian cotton sheets’ Lohan screws up, her parents take to the airwaves to give their opinion. Mom tows the party line that all is well in the world and she is such a wonderful role model for her little sister Ali ‘Does she have progeria’ Lohan (yeah, I went there. I said she has the aging syndrome because I’m edgy like that.) While Dad Lohan takes to his blog or twitters about how she needs help and if she were closer to him he could help her. Really? This guy looks like a pervert with his really tight pants and his slick ‘game show host meets con man’ demeanor. No wonder their kid is all kinds of fucked up! Lindsay, wake up honey. Your Mom will whore you out worse that Gypsy Rose Lee and your Dad will be the first guy asking for the lap dance.

Then we have families like the Hogan’s. Hollywood Hulk Hogan, remember him with his yellow tank top, stringy yellow mullet and tight red shorts. He was a friggen’ wrestler and then VH1 gave him a show like we cared about him, his family or how he parents. ‘Hogan knows best.’ Really? Did you see how he dressed for the ring? But at least the guy had a job. Now we are doomed to look at his talentless children and soon to be ex wife. The daughter has taken up pole dancing now to add to her classy repertoire and the son still is … well, his only claim to fame has been putting someone in a vegetative state. But, you say to me, ‘Lee, blonde bimbos need some attention too!’ That’s why we have Linda Hogan showing up on the gossip rags as if she is someone. Honestly, I respect Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife more. That bitch wields mace and handcuffs!

But what I’m noticing that these families are all sucking the dying teat of a career. They are all scrounging for the last piece of limelight before it is snuffed out and they actually have to work. But as a preemptive strike I will go on record to say my family has many talents. My dad tells a mean joke, my mom and sister can dance and my little brother plays baseball. Luckily none of them can rap or have aspirations of pole dancing but you never know.

Paul says: I think my mom does have aspirations of pole dancing. So, I’m thinking that I better sell lots and lots of books. Anything to keep mom off the pole.

Lee responds: I have absolutely nothing to do with the above statement. My mother-in-law is a saint.