Let's Talk About How to talk about sexual harassment

Almost any serious topic related to sex can be uncomfortable to discuss, yet these days it’s nearly impossible to escape the conversation. You can’t follow the news without regularly seeing some new accusation of sexual misconduct detailed against a high profile politician, businessman, celebrity or coach. The issues raised by these stories are hitting a national nerve and people from Main Street to Wall Street are now regularly talking or hearing about what has typically been a sensitive subject.

These conversations, especially between men and women, can feel like minefields as people tend to tip-toe around topics like sexual discrimination, sexual harassment and sexual assault out of fear a bomb of disagreement, offense or misunderstanding will go off and blow apart the conversation and the relationship. Yet experts say open and respectful dialogue is exactly what’s needed to tackle these issues, and we’ve got to get out of our comfort zones to do it.

Local professional development specialist Julie Still-Rolin has made it her business to help people have these important conversations. Founder and chief executive officer of Still-Rolin Associates, Still-Rolin focuses her professional development business on issues related to sex and empowerment, which includes a wide variety of areas including self-improvement as well as improving workplace culture. Through books, podcasts and workshops, Still-Rolin helps individuals and employers tackle those tough-to-talk-about-topics, like how men and women relate to each other sexually, sexual harassment and improving communication.

“There is power in sexuality. We do get confidence from sexuality,” Still-Rolin explained. “When we’re confident, we’re more successful. It’s about educating people on how to interact more in that manner. That includes understanding how we relate to each other and setting boundaries. For example, I do harnessing your sexual power workshops for women. One woman who goes to Cuba, she is a dancer. There they teach their young girls how to promote their sexuality through dance, but there’s a more defined line. Men know how to recognize when no means no. You have outspoken women who are not afraid to say ‘no’ or to say, ‘don’t speak to me that way.’”

The hours were flexible and opportunities like that were rare in the small town. She says what started as a series of compliments from the attorney she worked for eventually progressed to a steady onslaught of harassment, including touching himself while she took dictation, and worse. Despite confronting him and wearing baggy clothes to discourage his attention, Still-Rolin says the problems only got worse and that she never handled the situation like she should have. Fear of her boss and losing her job traumatized her for years, decimating her self-esteem and self-confidence.

“It’s about power, basically you lose your power because you can’t control what’s happening to you,” said Still-Rolin, who later learned more than a dozen other women had filed similar complaints against him. “I found an attorney who had represented one of the women. She told me there were 13 other women who came forward, they had reported him and nearly all of them had been bullied out of doing anything. There was one woman who had gone all the way to court, stood before a jury, and she lost because he made her look like she was there for a paycheck. He said she had been through a divorce, had kids to support and this was a ploy to get money, and the jury dismissed her case despite the fact that he had thrown her against a conference room table and basically attacked her.”

Still-Rolin believes many people are quick to distrust or dismiss complaints of sexual harassment or misconduct, especially women already established in their careers. She says many often see enduring sexual harassment as a rite of passage, a feeling of they got to where they are and put up with it, so who is someone else to complain? The discomfort of the topic also makes some reluctant to listen or talk about it. Still-Rolin, who also taught at an area community college for years, likens dealing with sexual harassment to active-shooter training, both of which she experienced. She says you think you know what you would do in such a situation, until you’re actually in it.

“I have had so many men tell me, when I tell them what I do, say, ‘I wish I could be sexually harassed,’” said Still-Rolin, “and I think, ‘You have no idea what that even means, because that’s not flirting.’ We as a society should be educated about sex more. It’s about educating people on how to interact more in that manner. We do get confidence from sexuality and that was damaged in me because I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I didn’t want to have anything to do with sex because that’s what was causing me to have these problems.”

Still-Rolin launched her professional development business about a year ago. She also helps business owners assess, and, if needed, help comply with the law to improve their workplace culture, including leadership development, workplace civility and employee appreciation. Her recommendations are based on reports from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission as well as documented research and case studies. Much of her focus is on teaching the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior, identifying potential problems and communicating discomfort effectively. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone directly yourself, she recommends going to someone else within an organization who will convey the message.

“Once you start to call people on what they say or do, that’s when you really know what the intentions are,” explained Still-Rolin. “Did they apologize? Are they offended because you actually have the nerve to say ‘I don’t like that?’ If so, then they probably didn’t have the best intentions. It’s so simple, I can’t believe we even have to have these conversations. If we would stop abusing women when they speak up, sexual harassment wouldn’t exist.”

Still-Rolin uses role playing to help people better relate to each other and become more comfortable with an uncomfortable subject. Connie Bookman, founder and chief executive officer of the local alternative sentencing and rehabilitation program, “Pathways for Change,” recently hired Still-Rolin to tweak her company’s policy and says the training was valuable not only in improving clarity in her workplace culture, but also ensuring that the organization, which received a prestigious Ethics in Business Award last year, maintains its good reputation.

“I work with a lot of leaders and I see often times they want to live in a little cocoon and say, ‘that’s not going to happen to me.’ They feel the topic is embarrassing,” said Bookman. “As a leader, we have to have an uncomfortable conversation with our team. It’s okay to be uncomfortable as long as you know the end result is going be a healthy outcome. It’s our responsibility. And Julie is very articulate and organized and it was informative, but it was fun. The excercises helped us role play and start some very interesting dialogue. I’d recommend it for every organization and business.”

Christian Garabedian is Bookman’s 27-year-old chief financial officer, who also underwent the training. Although he had been through some similar training exercises before, he says training like what Still-Rolin’s offers is valuable because it gave them a chance to learn the perspectives of their co-workers and the importance of organizations to train together.

“I think a man can’t be uncomfortable right now with these issues. In a professional environment, my goal is to always be above reproach, but it’s important to make sure there’s no confusion and some of that is just crafting your words wisely,” Garabedian said. “The way comments are received is not the same. It’s important to be able to read people’s verbal and non-verbal cues and figure out what’s appropriate and what’s not and every workplace would be different. I think she did a good job explaining between welcome and unwelcome solicitation. She gave good verbal and not verbal cues in how to delineate between the two.”

As an author, speaker and mother to two teenage children, including her 17-year-old daughter, Still-Rolin’s goal is to empower people to break out of their comfort zones and learn to speak up for themselves if they are being harassed or are simply uncomfortable with unwanted attention.

“I think people are beginning to realize they need this and it’s helpful,” said Still-Rolin. “They think it’s going to be painful and it isn’t. It’s actually kind of fun when people realize how easy it is. The people who do that have better cultures and want to see that everybody is equal and safe.”

Still-Rolin says communication is key and people need to feel safe and empowered to speak up when someone crosses a line or behaves in a way they find uncomfortable. Fear of offending someone or hurting their feelings often interferes with our ability to set personal boundaries, and Still-Rolin says she encourages people, especially women, to realize they are not responsible for others. If someone does or says something in innocence, Still-Rolin says that person needs to be told that the experience is negative. Those conversations can be difficult because they can create negative tension between people, but honest communication is critical to healthy and appropriate interactions.

“There’s this whole confusion about sexuality. If we want to clear up what’s acceptable and what is not, we have to get rid of that, excuse me, ‘bitch’ mentality - that if you say you don’t like something, you’re a bitch. That’s what is at the heart of this, women are afraid to say something because they don’t want to be perceived as a complainer, a bitch. So often we’re not able to tell people what we don’t like because if we do, we’re cold, we’re rigid, we’re ice queens.”

Still-Rolin’s own experience with sexual harassment motivated her to share her lessons with others. More than 12 years ago, Still-Rolin was a 24-year old full-time student and divorced mother of two, grateful for an administrative assistant position she was offered at a law office in her hometown of Atmore, Alabama.

“When we’re confident, we’re more successful. It’s about educating people on how to interact more in that manner. That includes understanding how we relate to each other and setting boundaries.”