“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” ― Hippocrates

That’s how long I have been strict AIP now. 23 days! I’m super proud of myself. Also, Mickey Trescott’s book, the Autoimmune Paleo Cookbook is the best. I have been cooking out of it for weeks. I am not sick of anything from it. I follow her meal plan. Whatever I don’t like that is listed, I substitute. Her book is beautiful and everything is so delicious. Tonight I am making cranberry braised short ribs with cauliflower rice. YUMMY! I have never had short ribs before. The meat has already fallen off the bone and it’s not even dinner time yet!

I’ve been back in the gym consistently. I started following Jim Wendler’s 5/3/1 program. I am on the last week of my first cycle and I have to say that it is going really great. I quit going to crossfit because I didn’t like watching other people’s kids. I dreaded it every time. If I could just afford a membership, that would be different but I got it for free for doing child watch. I just couldn’t do it. Plus, I went into a downward spiral of depression and I needed to get my life back on track. That took a long time.

I’m good now though, I think anyways. I’ve learned a lot about myself here lately. I started going to counseling again. Trying to work through some issues I’ve had for a couple of years now as well as whatever pops up on the day to day. I also started going to Overeater’s Anonymous meetings last week. Don’t have too much to comment on that right now except that I am going to stick with it for a while. The only thing I do not like is having to say, “Hi, I’m Kara and I am a compulsive eater and food addict,” before I say ANYTHING. I don’t like identifying myself like that. That isn’t who I am, it’s just a problem I have. I know addiction is a disease but that doesn’t define me as a human being. They say that we are never truly cured and I can believe that but at the same time, if people identify themselves with that and only that, it’s a recipe for disaster. I do think the 12 steps will be helpful. I got some books to read and a workbook to work through the steps. I have another meeting tonight. The great thing is is that I am not doing it alone. I have 2 friends that are going as well. We are all at various stages of our journey. Luckily for me, I started getting my head right and talking to God more before going to the meetings. I feel like I’m ahead in the journey a little bit. I’m getting my life back together and I am not having to go back and forth between guilt and regret anymore. I think I have truly surrendered this battle to God and he is taking care of me. Like he always said he would. I feel different this time. That’s why I think I have truly surrendered. I know it’s been a little over 3 weeks but that is HUGE for me. The last time I went that long was 2012. Almost two whole years ago. This time, it’s just easier. I haven’t been worrying about it. I know when I am craving things that I shouldn’t eat that I can rely on God’s truth to fight the temptation and come out victorious. I know how cliche and cheesy that sounds. I hate it when people say things like that to me but it’s true. And it’s working. I recite my go to verse in my head over and over again and it help calms me. “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial” 1 Corinthians 6:12. The foods I crave will just make me sick. I know that. I am not going to be stuck in this vicious cycle anymore.

Months actually. Too long. I fell completely off the wagon. With everything, my eating, working out, caring. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I got so tired of eating healthy, cooking all the time, counting whatever, worrying about what I can or can’t eat. So I stopped. I would rarely go to the gym, like once a month.

But I am back at it. I’ve been consistently back in the gym for a few weeks now. My eating is better but not 100%. I am getting there. I have discovered more about my body and how I am reacting to certain things. My newest symptom is rashes. They aren’t hurting or itching but they are there. They are very noticeable though.

Monday I took the plunge and started Crossfit officially. I dabbled before with some Saturday classes and was planning on starting earlier this summer but with the move to Kernersville, things got hectic.

It’s tough. I am not going to lie. I don’t know how I survived this week. It’s not THAT terribly hard but it is challenging and I am known to quit when things get too hard. But I know that this community environment and constant pushing is what I need to stick with it and see results.

Monday was a scary day. I was learning a new lift I had never learned before, the snatch. It always looked so complicated and technical, and it is, but now I have it down. At least with an empty training bar that weighs 15 pounds! So we started with snatches, starting at 3 different positions and doing 3 reps in each position. After that we moved to snatch grip push press, 5 sets for 5 reps. Then back squats for 6 sets at 6 reps followed by back extensions 5 sets for 10 reps. I was sore for sure. But I learned to snatch and fixed my squat form. Day one success!

Tuesday a bit scarier! We did back squats again 7 sets for 5 reps. I have no idea what my maxes are in any of my lifts anymore so I just went with what I knew I could do. Once I get going a little more, I’m sure we will test one rep maxes at some point. I’m not too worried about it. After the squats, we did 7 power cleans and 10 toes to bar every minute on the minute. Pretty much got a 20-30 second rest after each exercise. I can not do toes to bar yet so I just did knee raises which was a challenge in itself.

Wednesday was probably the scariest day all week for me. We did the wod Helen. 3 rounds for time, run 400 meters, 21 kettelebell swings, 12 pull ups. I hate running. I impressed myself with the kettlebell swings because i used the 25lb and I did all 21 reps each round with no breaks. Once that thing was in the air, it stayed there. Pull ups were a different story. I was the last one to finish with the time of 16:22. I had people cheering for me to finish and keep going. It REALLY helps. I knew all eyes were on me and I didn’t want to let anyone down.

Today. Today was a doozy as well! I’m still sore from Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday! Today we warmed up with Fran. Really?! 21 thrusters, 21 pull ups, 15 thrusters, 15 pull ups, 9 thrusters, 9 pull ups. Luckily we just did it with the PVC pipe as something to get loosened up. My time was 2:46! We did back squats again! 8 sets for 4 reps. I couldn’t go as heavy as I wanted to due to muscle soreness. After back squats we did another metcon. 4 rounds for time, 200 meter run and 7 squat snatches with a 12 minute time cap. Since I just learned snatches, I used the training bar which weighs 15 pounds. I ran each round and didn’t walk any which is a HUGE deal. I feel comfortable with my snatch form somewhat. I think it will be a while before I’m using the 35 or 45 lb bar. I finished in 11:07!! I was so stoked to finish before the time cap. And I wasn’t the last person to finish! I know it’s not about that at all but I always feel like everyone is waiting on me.

Tomorrow, I won’t be able to go to the box. There is no child care on Fridays. Bummed but I think I need the rest. Maybe if the wod isn’t too crazy I can do it at the YMCA. They probably think I have quit coming anyways. I haven’t been there in a couple of weeks. Crossfit is a further drive but the pros outweigh the cons.

I can already feel a change in my body. The past 2 days I woke up really lean. Well, lean for me anyways. I’m okay with that. I’m really trying to fuel my body with the proper foods to really get the best out of my workouts. I don’t want this to go to waste at all. I want to get stronger and build muscles. I know the rest will follow suit.

My eating is back to normal somewhat. I’ve indulged in paleo treats here and there but I haven’t gone overboard or anything. I am making sure it fits in within my day. It’s been a little tough this week because we are lacking food in the house but shopping is tomorrow so we should be good to go. I think I might do a sugar detox starting Monday as well.

I might not be able to go to crossfit Monday either because I am getting my back worked on Sunday. I’m nervous to get tattooed again because it’s been my most painful spot but I am excited because I am ready to get it done. Depending on what the wod is will dictate whether I or not.

I am taking this fall/winter to really get things ready for my bakery, Gather Bakehouse. Once spring rolls around, I really want to be at the farmers markets selling paleo yummies to the triad. I am gathering (lol) props right now for my table set up. I’ll be working on menu items soon. I need to get samples together to take places so people can start placing orders even during the fall/winter. I’m excited. It’s been a year in the making. I was hoping to start this year but moving took up all of our time.

Now it is time to grab my knobby ball and my foam roller and ROLL IT OUT!

No, I am not going to start training for a marathon. I am simply using that term as an analogy. Getting fit and healthy is NOT a race. It’s a long, drawn out marathon. I have to keep telling myself this. You know what is also not a race for me? Bouncing back from a binge-festa-palooza. Last Friday it started, it progressed and was full force Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday it slowed. Yesterday it has slowed even more. And it’s not that I binged all of those days… I have had treats and haven’t gotten back to my normal eating plan yet. My meals are good and good for me but I’m still indulging in my treats.

That’s why I feel in my marathon, sweets aren’t going to be a part of it anytime soon. That’s a hard pill to swallow. America runs on Dunkin! It’s true! We run on sugar and processed simple carbs and blood sugar spikes and crashes and pick me ups and UGH! I can not have dairy for the rest of my life except butter. Butter does not bother me. It actually helps me. Higher fat (good fat) seems to kick my metabolism into high gear.

In my marathon- I have to stick to whole foods. Simple. Easy. I need to get back to my wholeLIFE journey that I had started on. I am not waiting to start Monday. I have to start NOW. I know I can do this, I have done this many times before! And you know what, before I blew it with my treats the past couple of days, I WAS WITHIN MY CALORIES AND MACROS! By like, a few numbers. And I felt good! Granted I don’t feel sick from last nights froyo so I guess that’s a plus but that doesn’t mean that I get to have it again. Nope. Not today. Not tomorrow. Next week isn’t looking promising either.

We are going to my neighbors tonight for s’mores. Well, Weston will be eating them. I know I can’t. I HAVE TO END THIS VICIOUS CYCLE. I am going to with God’s help, not mine. God’s help, not Weston’s.

So, one thing I have noticed is that if you eat paleo then you automatically have to be a crossfitter. That’s not how it really is but that is what it seems like. I guess I will get to be the stereotypical paleo eater come Monday morning because I will be starting CrossFit. People think that I have really done crossfit before but the truth is, I haven’t really. The box (gym) I’ll be going to offers free Saturday classes that are scaled down to all fitness levels. I think I have done 3-4 of those. They aren’t real classes. I mean they can be but I dunno. I have never been to a structured class, taught the moves, and coached on form. I was doing childcare for the box for a couple of weeks in exchange for a membership but life was crazy since we were getting ready to move. So I stopped that for a while. But I start back Monday morning at 9:15 at Winston Salem Crossfit. I’ll be doing child watch as well during the week. I am excited but oh so nervous to be starting. Hopefully this will help me to stay motivated and will be different enough that I won’t get bored with it!

I seem to always have this cycle of sabotaging myself and then trying to fix it.

I confessed Friday that I had frozen yogurt. It got worse. I tried to clean up the rest of Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. And yesterday too. Didn’t happen. The poorest of poor eating choices I could imagine. Saturday night I made cupcakes to take to a women’s prayer meeting. They were very good and paleo. Not aip compliant but still not the worst thing in the world. They were topped with homemade whipped cream cheese icing. That I should not have made. I should have made the vegan icing. Way too much dairy, way too sweet, way too addicting. So I get to the meeting. There is junk food galore. I knew better. I did. But I indulged anyways and kept having to run to the bathroom. Too much dairy, way too sweet, way too addicting.

I left the meeting early. I had planned on bringing up my food addiction and allowing myself to be raw with women who care about me. I don’t think people really understand the struggles of food addiction. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. And it’s not like drugs or something where I can go to rehab and never consume the sinful habit again. I have to eat every. single. day. So I don’t think people really understand it. It’s different than other addictions but I feel like they may be a little bit worse. It’s so readily available and socially acceptable. Unless you have it or some other kind of addiction, you won’t understand.

I got home and my husband and I were sitting on the couch. I was reading or something, he was doing the same. We heard a gun shot. Didn’t think much of it since the neighborhood is surrounded by woods. Maybe a critter or something was threatening someone. Fast forward maybe 20-30 minutes later and there are cop cars, ambulances, fire trucks, everything. So many cop cars. We found out that a man had committed suicide on his back deck. We didn’t know him but that WRECKED us. We heard it happen. It’s eerily haunting to know what happened when we heard that gun shot. Neither one of us slept well that night.

I woke up Sunday morning thinking that I was going to eat great today. And I did a bit. While cooking dinner I was sneaking handfuls of trail mix and yogurt covered gluten free pretzels. Then my husband went to bed. I started in with whatever I could get my hands on and just started eating and eating and eating and eating. Woke up Monday morning and started eating and eating and eating. Even after he went to bed, I just kept going. The triggers going off in my brain were so hard to fight off that I just gave in. I let myself get so consumed by demons that I honestly didn’t care what I felt like, looked like, or anything. I just wanted to eat anything I could get my hands on. I had gluten this and chocolate that. Whatever i wanted. Honestly, I think I consumed over 5,000 calories yesterday. People think, ‘oh my goodness, I ate 5 cookies, I totally binged.’ No. That is not anywhere close to a binge. In the hour after he went to bed and before I went to bed, I ate almost 1200 calories alone. 6 chocolate protein bars at 190 calories a piece. I don’t even know how many I ate through the day.

So here I am today. Tuesday morning. Brand new day. I don’t have the desire to binge. No cravings. Nothing. Which is surprising. I feel like death. I am bloated. I won’t go into detail about all my symptoms and ailments but it’s bad. I am going to start tracking calories and macros again. I’m just not at a point that I can not track. It just sets me up to eat more and more. At least it will give me some accountability. I am getting a macro plan for fat loss and it will tell me how much protein/carbs/fat to eat each day to reach my goals. IN A HEALTHY WAY. No low calorie starvation diets. No starvation. Then after that, I plan to reverse diet while maintaining whatever weight I am at at the end of the fat loss program. The higher my calorie intake for maintaining my weight, the easier it will be to cut when needed. Or I will do the body recomposition program. It’s slower progress but lasting. I will cross that bridge when it comes.

Today I plan on eating chicken stir fry for breakfast. I precooked some chicken tenders yesterday. I will cook some asparagus and zucchini, toss with the chicken until heated through and top with an avocado. Lunch will be turkey meatballs and broccoli. I have yet to make the meatballs yet but I will here soon. They are stuffed with herbs and veggies. Very yummy. Dinner is crockpot pork loin with carrots, zucchini, and cauliflower. On the side will be roasted acorn squash with coconut.

Food addiction sucks. Giving in to my demons sucks. Instead of focusing on the past that I can’t change, I will focus on the future and what I can prevent.

If any of my readers are interested in giving me extra accountability, my username on My Fitness Pal is Karagetsfit!

Well. I don’t even know how to start this. I was completely fine. I had a bit of a stressful day. My mother-in-law has the boys so I have been running around all morning running errands. I had a very unsuccessful gym session in which I did maybe 2 lifts and left. I couldn’t get into it. I don’t know why but I couldn’t. I ended up sharing testimonies with a trainer there so that wasn’t time wasted at all.

I took my dad out to lunch. Something didn’t sit right with me. I think it might have been the yams. I don’t know what they were mixed with but they had some sort of coating. Not so much a coating, but a sauce. Most likely canned yams with God knows what. I came home to sort out my groceries and portion out meat for the week. I started mindlessly snacking on banana chips. They don’t even taste that great but they are plain and there. So I snacked and snacked. That’s when the craving hit me. Frozen yogurt. It hit hard. I justified it beyond belief in my mind. I got up to go to the fridge, determined to fight it. I ate an apple. Didn’t help.

I got in my car and left. I got the biggest bowl and filled it with all the crap I could. I ate every. last. drop. THEN, I ate a coconut secret’s mint chocolate bar. Not horrible but definitely doesn’t help my cravings.

Now, I’m sitting here trying to sort out everything running through my brain. My hormones are out of whack from that one indulgence. My hormones are telling me that I am still hungry, trying to convince myself to eat more and more and more. My body, on the other hand, is completely stuffed. I cannot imagine even eating another morsel of food today because I feel like I am going to burst. All it takes is one meal to completely throw off your bodies balance. ONE MEAL. ONE SNACK. ONE INDULGENCE. Not to mention the addictive qualities of the sugar and gluten I consumed HOURS ago. It makes me want more and more and more. I’m not going to eat more.

Normally, I would give in to everything right now. Hey, I already fell off the wagon, might as well turn around and go to the nearest candy store and make them go out of business. Not this time. I don’t operate like that anymore. I slipped up one time.

I texted my husband and confessed to him what I did. God was telling me way before I left the house to reach out to him but I ignored Him. Wes would have talked me out of it. He would have told me everything I already know and maybe I would have listened. But I didn’t. I almost didn’t tell him at all. Even afterwards. That is a real addicts personality right now. Ashamed, eating in secret. I didn’t want to be associated like that. So I told him and held my breath for his reply. He wasn’t mad. I thought he would be but he wasn’t. That made me feel somewhat better. I was in tears texting him. But once he told me he wasn’t upset with me and to just pick myself up and move forward, I felt instantly better. I disappointed myself, for sure. I know he was disappointed too but he wasn’t mad. Not like before anyways. After I would confess about my in secret binge-fests, I could always see it in his face. He even took food out of my hands and threw it away because I was stuffing myself full of it knowing dang well that I was going to make myself sick.

That’s what it takes. Someone to step in and hold you accountable. Honestly, he has been the only person that has been supportive of me and my dietary needs. No one else understands addiction like a former addict. I need him to be there for me when I am going through these temptations. Not only him, but I turn to God too. I have my go to scripts that I recite out loud and in my head. I have my scripture that I meditate on. It helps. I mentally pray. I have yet to pray out loud about this. I feel like if I pray out loud it will make it more real. I have a journal that I write it but I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve written in it. UGHHHHH.

God knows I’m here. He knows that I am struggling. He provides me with what I need even if I don’t flat out ask for it. He knows me better than I know myself. I mentioned the other night in small groups, I think that I have so many God stories because He knows how quickly I am to go back on everything and doubt myself and my faith. He always gives me constant reminders that He is here and He has it under control.

I’ve been reading the Made To Crave devotional on the bible app. (And I am a couple of days behind). Yesterday’s or the day before hit really close. I had misquoted my go to verse and I ended up looking up the verses that I said instead of my verse. 1 Corinthians 10:13. Still completely applicable to my journey with this food addiction. “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” God is so faithful. He has been faithful even before I acknowledged his presence. My story is a clear indicator of that.

I know I am going to beat this addiction. I know it. I can feel it deep in my bones because God has my back. He is my Father and He protects his sons and daughters.

I totally didn’t mean for this to turn into a Godfest but apparently He did. Sharing my struggle can help others and that’s all I could ask for. I wouldn’t wish this struggle on my worst enemy.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this is what it will be for me. Life. A lifetime commitment to eating whole foods. REAL foods. I must tell you, I am battling some craving demons hard. I have a basket of snacks for me once I can start to reintroduce more foods. Larabars, soy free dark chocolate bars, quest bars (which aren’t paleo), trail mix, cocoa dusted almonds, ughhh. I want it all now. But I must press on.

Speaking of snack foods… you know which ONE food would cause my downfall? It’s not anything I have in my house right now. Quite frankly, I cannot have this food in my house. CHEERIOS. Really? The smell is intoxicating. I could eat a whole box in one sitting. You may think that cheerios aren’t that bad but they are HIGHLY processed, full of gluten AND corn. Double whammy of bad. Not to mention the added sugar. If I could have one epic cheat, it would be a giant box of cheerios with almond milk. It’s instant, I can have just one and then I will eat all of them. They are addicting. That’s what gluten and sugar do, they are like drugs. They release the same responses in the body that some drugs do. Why do you think it’s so hard to kick a sugar habit!? It’s rough. It’s just like a drug detox.

Everything in my body seems to be getting back to normal. My new normal I guess you could call it. I’m happy about that. The scale is whatever, I am not gauging progress on that alone. If I did, surely I would fall into a deep pit of depression. I am getting stronger and my clothes are getting looser so that is what really matters.

I am hoping that once we sell our old house, maybeeeeee I can convince the hubster to let me hire a real life bodybuilding coach. I have such fitness a.d.d but it always goes back to bodybuilding. I guess that is where my heart wants to be. What that exactly means in terms of competing and what not, I don’t know. We both agree that competing is not for me. I guess whenever I find a coach when that time comes we can figure out a good goal for me. We shall see.

I need to commit to updating this blog at least twice a week! Every time I get a thought that I want to write about, I just say to myself oh I will remember it and then I forget it.

Sunday was day 30 of the Whole30. Sadly, I did not eat whole30 approved foods that day. At least in the morning I didn’t. They cooked breakfast at church and I had all kinds of sausage and a couple of hash brown patties. Nothing terrible but definitely not beneficial in any way. I’m going to give it 100% this time. I am also starting over the paleo cleanse. Not because I feel like I need to but because I hate meal planning and there is so much variety laid out in the meal plan. The foods and recipes are really flavorful and easy to prepare.

It’s been brought to my attention that I am probably eating too much. The increase in volume of food is probably contributing to my stalled weight loss. BUT at the same time, I am in the gym lifting heavy weights. So if I see some muscle gain, I don’t mind it. I know I am not going to blow up like a balloon like I did in January. Especially not from eating whole foods. My last treat was half a larabar a couple of days ago. Another contributing factor could be my sodium levels causing me to hold water. Regardless of what it is, I know what to do to fix it. I need to focus better on portion control, eating to fuel my workouts, and not eating as much deli meat and the like. I can make my own sausage and eliminate the high sodium and also replace my deli meat with precooking some chicken how I like it in the beginning of the week.

What I really need to do is make some more bone broth and commit to drinking 2 cups a day! I have found that making a soup with added ingredients, I will just eat the ingredients and leave the broth instead of eating it all. So drinking a cup by itself will be tasty and most beneficial.

My kombucha SCOBY is 16 days old today. He is growing nicely! I am really excited to start my first brew. I’m going to do some more reading this afternoon to determine when he will be ready. I still need to get to the beer and wine supply store to get some bottles for storing. I only have 2 empty GT kombucha bottles right now. I got my dad to try some apple bucha and he did not like it! He said the initial taste caught him off guard but that the aftertaste wasn’t terrible. It does take some getting used to. I wonder if the boys will like it. I haven’t even thought to let them try it.

I’m looking for more Christian based books on food addiction to read. I have read Made to Crave and I truly believe that book has changed the way I look at food forever. I still struggle but it’s way easier to deal with than before. I was made for more than the vicious cycle I was in before. I’m probably going to read Take Back Your Temple next although it is an e-book and I would rather have a tangible book. Going to Lifeway tonight after dinner to see what I can find. I will have more reading material by the end of the week though! Robb Wolf’s The Paleo Solution should be here by Friday. Not exactly Christian based but good reading material none-the-less.

Ever since we got back from our mini vacation Sunday, my digestive system has been wrecked. I feel like I need to start all over again to reboot my system. I’m not sure if it was the volume of food or going out to eat a couple of times or the reintroduction of nuts. I’ve been trying to be budget friendly with my groceries so maybe my quality of food is affecting me as well. All I know is it sucks. Every night I have had awful pain and am usually pretty bloated. I don’t know what the deal is but I know I need to do everything in my power to fix it.

Let’s talk about guilty pleasures for a minute. After speaking with a friend last night, I realized I had not ‘indulged’ on my favorite treat in 25 days. 26 days today. Frozen yogurt was my jam. Seriously, if one food could make me happy, that would be it! I’m not going to spend a lot of time here and focus on it because it will make it unbearable to resist. I am proud of going this long without it. I used to get it 2-3 times a week. A WEEK! And I’m talking minimal yogurt and LOTS of toppings. All the toppings. All the unhealthy, gut busting toppings. My closest thing to frozen yogurt right now is some frozen berries topped with coconut cream.

I had a mini breakdown in Wilmington. It was bad. I almost let it ruin the trip. Wilmington has a Kilwin’s and if you don’t know what that is…. let’s just say they make their own waffle cones by the window and you can smell it forever. You cannot unsmell that smell. There is also a fondue restaurant that has a great fondue dessert. So there we were, sitting at dinner, and I said screw it. Let’s get fondue after this. Weston wasn’t having it. He kept reminding me how I would regret it tomorrow and it wouldn’t help me in any way except make me feel crappy. I tried to justify it by saying we were on vacation and it was the last night of my cleanse and I wanted to live a little! He was not having it at all. He was very firm in his no but loving as well. So then we walk by Kilwin’s again and I am dying on the inside. We walked by a store that had some fruit and I went in to get an apple. Their produce was in poor shape. It was actually kind of disgusting. BUT they had Larabars. I held one up and another firm ‘No Kara’ and that drove me to the point of silent tears. We walked up and down the streets as I hung my head and declared how unfair it was. I was still really hungry. Or maybe thirsty. I went for hungry though so we stopped at a restaurant I could eat at and got me some more food. And a mug of bacon. A MUG OF BACON. Noms. They had it listed as an appetizer but let’s get real, that’s just a side item.

I miss certain foods really terribly. It is a constant struggle in my head to just say forget it and indulge on everything and not worry about it. I did that in January and if you know me, you know I packed on 20+ pounds FAST. I am struggling to lose half of that now. I think at that point in my life, I had a somewhat healthy relationship with food but was not fully equipped to be in a party situation where there were a lot of unhealthy food choices. I remember that night and the food that caused my downward spiral. No self control. No holding back. I called it ‘bulking.’ I wasn’t working out though. So there is that! I know my health is the most important aspect in this journey. Aesthetics and strength come after that. I have to focus on the health part first. That means my body and my mind. I have to get my mind right and in line with God’s word or my body isn’t going to follow. I have learned that while I still have a damaged relationship with Christ that I am trying to fix, I can’t do this journey without Him. I have relied on scripture to get me through my struggles and constant head battles. I don’t want the disappointment others would feel come to life. I used to never listen to Weston when it came to food because I would just get angry. Not at him particularly, but at his firmness and lovingness. It was like I didn’t want that at the time but the strong love was what I needed. I just chose not to listen to him. I don’t want to let him down now. He doesn’t hold me accountable all the time and I’m okay with that. I think that I am doing pretty good without a real accountability partner although it would be nice. I’m trying to hold on to the truths that God gives me and let those guide my way.

I completed the 21 day paleo cleanse! I reintroduced nuts yesterday with no real reaction. After doing the math, I reintroduced them on day 20 instead of 21 but it’s not a huge deal. I’ll have a serving today to see if I do have any reactions. I am going to wait on reintroducing everything else for a few more weeks. I know that I must have nuts in moderation or it will disrupt my digestion.

We had a wonderful vacation! The boys absolutely love the beach. Next year we are planning on going down for a whole week instead of just the weekend. I brought all of my food with me and let’s just say, I ate REAL well. Matter of fact, I am now the not-so-proud owner of 4.4 pounds of bloat! I didn’t stray off my eating plan at all though, I just ate high volumes of food. It should come off pretty easily though, especially since I am back on track today.

I started growing my SCOBY last week and it’s alive!!! We left Thursday with only a few floaties in the jar and came home Sunday to a SCOBY! It still has another week or two before it will be ready though. I need him to fill out a bit more and get thicker. I think I am going to name him Rudy. I think since fall starts this weekend, my first flavors will be pumpkin spice and cranberry!

I don’t really have much to update on since I had an “eat too much” weekend. I’ve been doing the Whole30 along with the cleanse and today marks day 23. I feel so much better health wise and energy wise, I am just going to continue strict paleo with occasional treats. I had some vanilla maple almonds after dinner and they were a perfect dessert. Not to mention the flavor! They were soaked and dehydrated. It was my first time trying soaked nuts and the flavor was phenomenal. From now on, I plan to soak my nuts prior to consumption since it does aid in digestion!

One good thing about this past weekend though, all my lifts were easy yesterday! I thought maybe it was a fluke so I didn’t up the weights like I should have. If those same weights feel easy next week, I will up them. Getting stronger and losing fat at the same time, I love it!

I am 99% the boys will be going strict paleo soon. I am slowly getting rid of their treats and I will start introducing more nutrient dense snacks as well as yummy dinners. I know Raven is going to rebel since when he started eating solid food, I was eating poorly. It’s going to be a struggle but I don’t want them to have the same digestion issues as I did growing up and now know why. I know why now and I am not going to do that to them. I just have to get their memaw to toughen up on them and not give in to their demands. They always get diarrhea when they stay there because they eat whatever they want. That has to stop. I’m already trying to get her to try the Whole30 to help with all of her ailments but it’s not working out so far. I can’t force her, I can just give the information. The boys though, I can force them because I am their mother and I know what is best for their little bodies right now.