William Hay, winner of 3 Kenneth R. Wilson Writing Awards and Folio Award, Canadian Author Association member,author of Caesarean Section and Love Between the Sacred and Profane poetry books, and Psychiatry and Addiction, Personal Perspective book, magazine short story and prose columnist.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

God today

I suspect I first heard of God from my parents. Most likely my Mom. She was a Baptist Christian and taught me to pray on my knees beside my bed. I remember though a kind of sacred reality that was part of the magical mystical childhood. I have a memory glimpse of such a time. I suspect this predates the later Piagian Developmental stage when I separated from my environment and could 'think' abstractly.
There is a dualism that is created by the mind. In intense moments there's no separation of thought and experience. In a crisis I'm often acting with one minded determination. This reality is what I knew in a different similiar way as a child.
Today I feel separated and apart. I'm trapped in my uniqueness and individuality. There's a pleasure in knowing that each of us is unique, unique as our finger prints but I fear too often I forget that the differences are only 'skin deep'. Mostly we're similiar. DNA studies show how much greater similiarities are in general in all ways.
Yet I don't 'sense' God always. I want to know God and do God's will. I want to live in the holy. I want to be on the main path and not be out in nether nether land. I want to get with God if only because I'm tired of being on lesser teams and so often alone. I figure God's team is the biggest team despite the many divisions.
There's the secular lot but they're really a part of the whole game in that they define themselves outside the greatest inside.
I don't define myself outside. I just feel outside alot. I feel much better when I feel inside and I feel inside enough to know outside isn't as pleasant.
Self gratification may be what it's about. If God were a drug or a food I'd do or eat him. I'd make love to God if such was possible but given the loss of duality in the unity of God I'd not really experience myself in relationship to God. There's a sense that the individual self is lost in contact with God who is inner and outer. God contains me and is more than me but I'm only me, as it were ,except there's this God like umbilical cord connection that I can so easily forget.
God is transendent, intimate, all and all and nothing, imminent, all powerful but vulnerable in a powerfully vulnerable way God is all. I'm limited. God is infinite. I am petty and picky and irritable and sad and depressed and hungry and fearful but God while he can be all of that is always more. I know God is inifinite joy and inherrent pleasure. God is life. God is all that is and more. I have a relationship with God but I think I'm searching for God but all along God is searching for me.
I'm ready for God to enter my life and make me more and more, all I can be. I'd rather God do it than an Army recruiter. I'd like to be all I can be. I'd like to levitate, heal myself and others, see my thoughts in action, pass between dimension, or just chop wood and carry water, all the while knowing the thoughts that occurred were your thoughts in me. I would love more and know what it is to love, unselfishly. I'd like to be with you God. I'd like to be in you, on you, around you, with you, I know I am. There is nowhere that you are not. Be with me now today God. Come closer to me. May I be closer to you. Let me feel and know the miracle.

About Me

I began writing travel stories in grade 3. My mother was a journalist. I started publishing poetry and photography in high school. Dancing and acting followed with study in England with the world champion after bicycling across Europe. Medical school was also a time of canoeing and cross country skiing. Dad was a great outdoorsman. Country general practice was followed by northern fly in medicine. Completing a medicine fellowship and specializing in psychiatry, I did my California medical examinations before returning north to British Columbia where I began big game hunting, chicken farmed and sailed. Eventually, I solo sailed to Hawaii through winter storms. An island psychiatrist in Saipan, the weekly scuba diving was spectacular.Back in Canada, living on the sailboat,my Harley Davidson motorcycle became a whole new source of adventure.
Raised Baptist, I taught sunday school for the United Church and eventually became Anglican a decade back. Bible study, Yogananda, Tai Chi, AA, celtic and native studies all added to that ecumenical Christian spirituality.
Blessed by a loving family, beautiful partners, friends, pets and resilient house plants, life's a miracle.