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Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships

So I decided to confront my boyfriend again about this whole gift giving situation. The outcome was bad. Very bad. He started with his whole excuse of me being unappreciative and selfish because I shouldn't want material items from someone I supposedly love and that this whole thing shouldn't even be an issue because we're arguing about me receiving gifts. The way he says it is so manipulative and without everyone's input I feel like I really would've gone back to doubting myself again. He basically listed every single item that he has ever given me and made me feel like shit for not thanking and praising him for all of it. He even mentioned that busted ass TV.

I countered with how I've been speaking to some people about this situation and every single one of them told me that I was not only being disrespected and under appreciated, but how his behavior was incredibly creepy and inappropriate. This is when things got significantly worse because it turned into a screaming match about how I'm exposing our private life to others--on top of the gift giving nonsense. But at this point I didn't even care. I've been so upset about everything lately and that I had been such an idiot to stick around with him for so long and be treated this way that I pulled up the thread and let him read it. He was furious and the only thing he could say was for me to get out. So I did.

I ended up going to my parents house and just hating my life and everything about myself. I kept feeling like I wasted five years of my life. I kept wondering if I should go back and apologize. And then guess what. He shows up at the door crying and apologizing and hands me a gift card for $60.00 to Gamestop. And I don't know. I guess seeing that he finally got me something after all of this happened--that it had to be taken this far for him to use a bit of money on me, just disgusted me. He also tried making me feel bad by saying, "Do you really want to throw five years of your life away just for material items?" But it's so much more than that and ugh. I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling but I was just way too angry and emotional so I just told him it was over. And yeah. My life has turned completely upside down and at this point and I don't know what steps to take next. I'm just happy that I'm not a part of that mess anymore and I'm happy that you guys motivated me to actually stand up for myself.

TL;DR I left him and feel ridiculous for even putting up with him for as long as I did.

Eh, I'm not sure that's the right angle. Relationships shouldn't be about money (and certainly OP never mentions anywhere anything about buying stuff for him, or in the last post). The only thing out of line from what I'm reading is that he bought presents for other girls.

You clearly didn't read the last post completely, then. The OP clearly said:

And let me just add that I often spend every penny I have to get him something I know he really wants. I love seeing him happy and I love being able to surprise him, as well as anyone I buy a gift for.

Money isn't the issue. It's the fact that he puts no thought or care into buying the OP gifts and generally has a miserly attitude toward her (such as making her pay him back for buying her something off the McDonald's dollar menu). He scrounges up gifts for her based on what is lying around in his house, while purchasing thoughtful gifts regularly for his female friends.

That shows that he doesn't appreciate his girlfriend and is only generous when seeking approval from women who aren't his girlfriend. That's emotional miserliness, not just frugality.

Even if he showed up at her house with a $600 gift, that doesn't negate the fact that he took her for granted for 5 years. In fact, if she took him back after her bought her something, that would only validate his thinking that this was simply about money and material things, and not his poor treatment of her. He would bring up that he bought her an expensive gift any time she had a complaint about anything.

Good for you! He's a frickin loser. It’s not the fact that he didn’t give you gifts, it’s that there was a clear inequity between the way he treated you and the way he treated his female “friends”. It also doesn’t make you materialistic to enjoy gift giving. It’s about the thoughtfulness and care that goes in to picking a nice gift. He’s either a moron or a narcissist and either way you’re going to be better off without him in the long run.

You know, his reaction made me think of the reaction of another OP's (ex)partner. She wanted a wedding ring, he got her a shitty $5 and just left it on the table and said, "So, we're getting married, right?"

After she left him, he waited 8 days before he rocked up at her house with a more expensive ring, begging for her to come back. The fucking asshole had sat around for 8 days waiting for her to come back, and when she didn't, he obviously thought that getting a ring would fix the issue, because OBVIOUSLY the whole argument was about the ring.

You absolutely did the right thing. It took you leaving him for him to actually get up and give you something of value (and for all we know, he probably had it lying around his house). You're not throwing your relationship away over material possessions, you're throwing it away because of his attitude towards you (vs his attitude towards other girls).

If he was a half-way decent human being, he would have at least listened to your side of the argument, and it never would have turned into a screaming match. Even when it was so bad that you reached out for other people for advice, he never pulled back and thought, "Maybe I am actually doing something wrong," he just kept throwing, "You're materialistic" and "Don't air our dirty laundry" at you.

Next steps - purge yourself of everything you own of his. I would normally say give it back to your ex, but in this case, fuck him. He's such a materialistic jerk, I would not give him the pleasure of getting his things returned (unless it's really big and expensive - judging by your relationship, I can't imagine there'd be much).

Your life is just beginning, so don't wallow on what you've lost. Spoil yourself with some awesome treats (beauty products, new gaming console, fabulous dress, whatever tickles your fancy and makes you feel pampered) and make yourself number one in your life. Then go hang out with some friends and start feeling awesome again. :)

/u/ShelfLifeInc summed it up pretty well. OP confronted "fiance" about the quality of the ring and the shitty proposal, he got horribly offended and defensive, so she went home to her parents. She didn't reach out to him and he made no attempt to contact her for 8 days, after which he showed up at the house with a huge ring (which, as I pointed out, may or may not have been expensive or high quality, not that it matters) and begged for her to come back. She told him that she was tired of him treating her like crap for the entirety of the relationship, that he still didn't understand why she was upset in the first place, and then dumped his ass.

My favorite part was that it came out in the second post that he actually timed her showers and then charged here extra accordingly when they paid the water bill. And he charged her interest when she borrowed money from him. That is just....super bizarre behavior. I'm glad she got out.

HOLY SHIT. I didn't see that update about the ring. What a fucking asshole. It didn't once occur to him that maybe the reason she turned him down wasn't just because of the actual shitty proposal or ring? It was the complete lack of respect and insensitivity to her feelings? I am so angry right now.

I think you did the right thing. He sounds manipulative and selfish. He also didn't care enough to even listen to what was actually bothering you in the first place! He found a small part of the argument and harped on it instead of looking at the whole picture.

You didn't waste 5 years if you learned something. I know it's tough now, but it will get better. Good luck!

Good job! That is seriously messed up, and you will only realize just how much when you've had time to think about it from the outside. Also, when you get a new guy who considers you a priority.

I also have to say that the obsession with his money would have escalated if you ever got married. How would you split bills? Would he make you pay half for everything even if you made much less money, or would he agree to a percentage split based on income? Something tells me that it never would have been a truly equal partnership. He seems more like a bank than a human being.

I ended up going to my parents house and just hating my life and everything about myself.

No need for hating your life or yourself! You didn't do anything wrong. You dated a jerk for a bit and now you are moving on. This is a good, positive thing, and not something you should feel bad about.

I kept feeling like I wasted five years of my life. I kept wondering if I should go back and apologize.

A learning experience is never wasted time. You've learned a lot about yourself, what you will and won't tolerate, and that you can be brave enough to walk away if you need to. Again, these are all good, positive things that will help you in your new, awesome life.

And then guess what. He shows up at the door crying and apologizing and hands me a gift card for $60.00 to Gamestop. And I don't know. I guess seeing that he finally got me something after all of this happened--that it had to be taken this far for him to use a bit of money on me, just disgusted me.

This is how break ups with abusive or manipulative douche bags usually go. They think they are such hot shit you will never leave them. Then when you do they freak out and need to get you back under control.

I dated a guy for two years who tried to throw me down a flight of stairs. When I finally broke up with him he played the "but I was going to ask you to marry me!" card. Yeah like I'll stop breaking up with you so I can marry you and have you abuse me for the rest of my life...you so stupid!

Do you really want to throw five years of your life away just for material items?" But it's so much more than that and ugh.

There you go! Use that logic to blast through all his attempts at manipulation. You aren't throwing away shit. He disrespected you for FIVE YEARS and now that he knows he'll be alone he's desperate to show you how different things can be. Hint: things won't stay different once he has you back. Then he'll know for sure he can keep doing the same shit, and even if you say you want to break up you won't really mean it. Stay strong!!

My life has turned completely upside down and at this point and I don't know what steps to take next. I'm just happy that I'm not a part of that mess anymore and I'm happy that you guys motivated me to actually stand up for myself.

Do anything and everything you ever wanted to do that he called stupid, or just wasn't interested in. Pamper yourself physically and emotionally. Reconnect with friends and family. Love on or get a pet if that's an option. Pick up some new hobbies or go back to some hobbies you put to the side 5 years ago.

There are so many options in life. Do anything, but do something! Also, be happy! Not right away because break ups do suck, but eventually you'll see this is the point where you stopped taking shit from people and started being your own person. Good job!!

This is how break ups with abusive or manipulative douche bags usually go. They think they are such hot shit you will never leave them. Then when you do they freak out and need to get you back under control.
I dated a guy for two years who tried to throw me down a flight of stairs. When I finally broke up with him he played the "but I was going to ask you to marry me!" card. Yeah like I'll stop breaking up with you so I can marry you and have you abuse me for the rest of my life...you so stupid!

This sounds almost exactly like my ex... He always said how much he loved me, but he grabbed me by the throat twice in our relationship. He also made me feel like shit by constantly talking about how much he missed his ex or making me feel bad for wanting to spend time with my friends. He'd blame me for abandoning him and would question my feelings for him. If I wanted to talk about how I felt, he would always tell me to shut up and if I wasn't happy I should 'just go and find someone else'.

I broke up with him after he had another verbally agressive episode... I recently found out through a mutual friend he was planning on asking me to marry him this month (he only started planning after the breakup). It made me realize he's just living in a fantasy and I'm glad he's no longer a part of my life...

He shows up at the door crying and apologizing and hands me a gift card for $60.00 to Gamestop.

He's glad he's not dating me. I'd hand it back to him saying he's not worth it and to get the fuck out of my life. I have no tolerance for this bull shit.

I'm so glad you got out. He can pursue all those other girls he doesn't mind dropping tons of money on but seriously it sounds like they just keep him around in the friendzone and reap the benefits which is why he always came home to you. I bet he feels damn lonely now and you can go on to have a much better boyfriend.

I had a bf of 5 years who would constantly be broke after buying himself weed, CDs, records, and other non-essential items, right? There were many times I'd have to pay for his food, gas, cigarettes, and even his rent or phone bill sometimes.

When we finally broke up, I brought it to his attention how horrible and disrespectful it is that he wastes his money on all that stuff and can't even afford to take me out to a movie (I paid for 90% of our dates, vacations, and activities)

And he responded the same way as your boyfriend: I'm selfish for focusing on "material things", and that those things shouldn't matter, and his NEW girlfriend grew up in a modest home and "never had much", so "she doesn't care" about "materialism".

Talk about being a horrendous loser who completely misses the most obvious points, right? Anyways, I thought I'd share that to show you that losers are often very similar to one another, they employ the same tactics and enjoy manipulating their friends and loved ones with the same old tired lines.

You made the right call. These kinds of people don't change, and they don't really "get it", even if they DO cry and feel remorseful over a breakup.

And he responded the same way as your boyfriend: I'm selfish for focusing on "material things", and that those things shouldn't matter, and his NEW girlfriend grew up in a modest home and "never had much", so "she doesn't care" about "materialism".

Ah, you mean the new girlfriend who lets him mooch off of him and treat her like a doormat?

Here's what I predict: OP's (hopefully permanent) ex is going to get into a new relationship, maybe with one of the girls he's been attempting to woo with gifts, and he's going to complain about what a selfish and materialistic person OP was. Then, once he's settled into the relationship, he'll treat her exactly the same way he treated the OP. If the girl in question is insecure, she'll be afraid to confront him lest he accuse her of being "just like" his "materialistic ex."

Every time I think of possible scenarios like this I really, really wish there was an unbiased wikipedia-style database of the dating history stories/profiles of everyone out there for the benefit of the gal or guy who doesn't know any better.

You did not waste 5 years you stopped yourself from wasting 5 more. You are only 22 and have your whole life ahead of you. This guy has too many issues to solve about his attitude about loved ones in general about women and about his immaturity in discussing issues. You deserve someone who is more mature and caring than that.

He thought that your relationship was worth a gift card. I don't even get gift cards for my friends because it's such a thoughtless present. You didn't waste 5 years of your life if you've learnt something.

dude, good for you for walking away--I feel like so many other girls in your position would have just stayed because it's "easier" than being alone. and maybe in a very small way it is, because you're going to undoubtedly feel shitty for a while--five years is a long time--but I think struggling through the pain for you is going to be worth it, because ultimately the space for a romantic partner in your life will be open to a world of possibilities, and not occupied by this fucking dbag.

you are going to have good days and bad days. when you have bad days, you will want to go back--don't call, don't text, don't contact him. sit with your discomfort. don't worry about not being able to find romantic partners again because you will, when you're ready and you least expect it--worry about doing things that will make you happy and are good for you.

I don't know you but I'm proud of you, you severed a gangrenous limb and that took a tremendous amount of courage.

"Do you really want to throw five years of your life away just for material items?"

The #1 thing you need to know about this whole situation is that you didn't throw away anything. He is the one who threw away five years of your life for material things. He did this, not you. Everything that's wrong with this situation is because of actions he took. You have done nothing wrong.

Wow this guy was manipulative as fuck. Trying to pin everything on you, spinning it as you being selfish (you're not), trying to buy you back when he realized he was losing you. For a second in your story, I thought you were going to take him back, but I was so relieved you didn't. Congrats on being strong!!! Right now it may feel like you wasted five years, but better five years than a lifetime, right? Stay strong, girl! We're all rooting for you. :)

Listen, you started with this guy when you were not fully grown. We all start growing up in some way when we reach our 20s. Sometimes, the people whose crap we put up with 5 years ago don't seem so attractive anymore. See, even when he was giving you that $60 gift card, he was STILL BERATING YOU for wanting something "material". You called him out on his shit about giving gifts to every other girl except you and now he has to explain that. And he can't. Listen, 22 is a great age to start over. You are still pretty young. Let him go find some girl who wants to live in a hovel. Onward and upward for you. Also, glad Reddit kicked his ass and he knows it.

You shouldn't have to put up with all the hurtful deflecting he did to get him to listen. If he simply didn't realize how this was making you feel, he could have just listened, thought about it, and then figure out how to apologize. Instead, he accused you of being materialistic and ungrateful, and then he tried to make the conversation about you talking the situation over with other people.

And on top of that it sounds like he only really heard half of what you were saying: that he was under-appreciating you. The fact that he was also showing inappropriate attention to other female friends is a bigger deal. Even at the end it sounds like he still thinks this is just about you wanting more from him, but it's so much of a bigger deal than that.

It's not just material items, it's the complete undervaluation of your relationship which he has shown. I'm so glad you didn't go back to this guy who basically said "I value the opinions and feelings of people I'm not in a relationship more than I value yours."

Cheapskate or not, that guy had a very unclear idea of what it takes to keep a long term relationship healthy.

Check out /r/narcissisticabuse and /r/raisedbynarcissists. Check out the information in the bar. Read about gaslighting. The point is that he is using you. He uses you to provide him with attention, comfort, sex, etc. He doesnt bother to treat you well, just well enough to get what he wants. He puts effort into others to get them to think he is wonderful. This is all normal narcissistic behavior. The important thing to remember is that its not good to be in a relationship with a narcissist. They really dont care about you. And he will get worse going forward. Not better. When you doubt yourself, ask yourself why would he bring you a $60 gamestop gift card? Do you spend a great deal of time in gamestop and playing games? Why $60? Amount seems a little random. You sure he wasnt given this and is regifting to you?

No, you dont diagnose someone as a narcissist that just is a bit selfish sometimes. Everyone is selfish sometimes, everyone is a bad date/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse sometimes. Narcissists are much more than that. Unfortunately, they are far more common than most people realize. One in 16 are Narcissists, 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. They arent all serial killers, you know.

So proud of you!!! I'm glad you had the strength to move on. And really? A gift card? How lame. If he were really paying attention to you he would have bought you a game that you wanted (I don't know if you're into games). Also, I'm a total fan of gift cards, but I don't want one from my husband. We share all our money and handing me a gift card would be like handing me my own money back. It has to be the thought placed in the gift.

I can't believe he turned everything around on you. He should have said, "I'm sorry I did. I thought you liked these things. If you don't like it I'll work harder to make you happy. I'm sorry. I can't believe I've been hurting your feelings all this time."

That's kind of the only acceptable response, except he still didn't know what would make you happy after 5 years.

Things will be looking up. I know things are crazy now, but you aren't wasting your time with him anymore.

Wow good for you. I can't beleive your ex was this clueless. This cant be the only part of the relationship he completely failed at right? He sounds like he has no clue how to treat his partner and deal with emotions. Throwing money and presents around to solve problems is the only way he knows how to deak with people and ironically he is the one obsessed with material posessions and ruined the relationship because of it.

I honestly think the best thing for you in this situation is to end it, cut all ties, focus on yourself, and move on with life.

You're young! Yes you two have been together for 5 years, don't look at it as time and effort wasted, look at it as a life experience.

It honestly sounds like you deserve better. This guy is not appreciative. He is a user, he is manipulative as fuck, he cares more about himself than anyone else, especially you.

The $60.00 gift card is a slap in the face....

Anyway, my advice right now is to just take time for yourself. Don't listen to his bullshit. Think about his over the top reaction when you simply tried telling him your feelings. He tried to spin it around on you and claim you were a materialistic bitch. No, you just want to be shown that you're the most important girl in his life.

You did the right thing. 5 years, in the grand scheme of things, is not a long time. And quite frankly, that he tried to essentially buy you back with a gift card is appalling.

What do you do next? I'll tell you. You take some time to be single, and de-tox from this relationship. And then, once you're ready, you start dating again, and you'll find someone who appreciates you and treats you right.

i am sitting in my bedroom applauding you! fuck this guy -- he can't take responsibility for his actions & you are way too good for him.

what steps to take next? pamper yourself! bath, candles, nice music, get your nails done, get a haircut, go shopping, read some new books, go out for drinks with your friends and have fun. think of all the doors that have been opened to you. your future is wide open to find new experiences, meet new people and become introduced to entire new friend groups and realities that you would never have gotten to experience while stuck with him.

For starters, he sounds a bit like an asshole. So, for your specific situation, I'd say it's time to look for greener pastures. (Barring any reasonable excuses for throwing a rage quit.)

In a non-specific scenario, I might suggest considering the relative value-weight of the hand-me-downs vs. the new gifts. Like, a brand new clicky-pencil from staples vs., I don't know, a 2012 mac book air wouldn't raise yellow flags - compared to, say, new not-awful-jewelry and a playstation 2.

Good for you for being strong and getting out. It will be hard at first, but you can do it. Take it day by day and you will soon feel better. Reconnect with friends, with your hobbies. You will be much better off.

It ain't about the money or you not getting nice stuff..its the fact that he puts time, thought, and yes money into giving gifts to another woman when his own girlfriend of 5 years is an afterthought. (see a gamestop gift card that was most likely given to him as a gift)

YES! I am so proud of you. It seems like he couldn't understand that you weren't upset because he wasn't buying you things all the time, but because he put so little effort into it while simultaneously getting thoughtful gifts for his female friends. This is evident by the fact he thought buying a gift card would somehow fix it because in his mind, the only problem here was you just wanting more material things. He completely missed the point.

But don't feel like you wasted five years of your life. You are incredibly young still, and this was a learning experience. Most people do not meet the person they are going to marry at 17. I wish you the best of luck in the future!

You did the right thing. And you're right, it's not about money. It's just plain disrespectful. My boyfriend doesn't have a ton of money to spend at the moment, but he will show his appreciation by cooking me dinner and taking me on romantic picnics and what have you. This stuff is basically free but it makes me feel so loved and wanted.

If he were to give me junk, I wouldn't feel wanted at all. Especially if he was treating everyone else with respect.

This guy sounds like a bit of an overgrown baby. Good for you for sticking up for yourself, and not allowing his deflection/manipulation to sway your ability to see that your feelings of being disrespected are valid.

It wasn't the fact that you were receiving hand me downs as gifts that raised a red flag it was the fact that his female friends were receiving gifts. If this was pointed out to him then his assertion that you are ungrateful for the gifts he has given you is moot. Glad you are now out of that relationship.

Seems like he told you absolutely everything you needed to know. Your gut was right. He's weird, kind of creepily insensitive and mean, and genuinely seems to see you as, I dunno... property or something. Or someone he holds in lower esteem than casual friends and random strangers, anyway. The help. When someone treats you like you're damned lucky just to be around them, it's a sign that they see you as less, inferior, unworthy. Sure, he liked having you around. Girlfriends are nice to have, and a dude like this probably doesn't have the greatest self-esteem. But at the end of the day, saying "he took you for granted" would be an understatement.

I'm glad you updated. It's good to know you're okay. And you're going to keep being okay, because you made a really good decision. Feel good about it.

You absolutely did the right thing. This guy is a grade-A asswipe. There is no excuse in the universe that would make this sort of behavior from him okay, and he clearly didn't value you at all. Find someone who actually respects you and treats you as you deserve to be treated.