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Tonight marks the second or third straight Monday night that I cannot sleep! I don’t know what it is about Mondays that causes me to have the absolute worst thoughts before bed. I can’t figure out if I’m just plain exhausted to the point where insomnia is now a byproduct of the lack of rest or if my weekend sleep patterns are ruining my actual weekday sleep.

To say I’m not stressed out is an extreme understatement. I have so many uncertainties in my life right now that it is extremely difficult to look forward to things. You know that feeling when you are being pulled in multiple directions and have no idea which route is the right or correct one? Well that pretty much sums up the way my life has been during the last month or so.

The once constant things in my life are basically small escapes away from the stress but as soon as I am away from them, I am back to square one. Words can’t describe how frustrating it is. Imagine a maze where you feel like you are doing the right thing and before you know it, you realize that you are just going in circles.

I miss the feeling of working towards something concrete. The feeling of anticipating what may come next because you have properly read the signals. They say life doesn’t get any easier as you get older and damnit they are fucking right. I’m only 30 and cannot fathom the decisions I’ll have to make when I’m 40. I try to live life by taking each moment in one at a time and relishing the life experience that comes along with it. But sometimes you can’t help but be curious as to what is up next.

After a million year hiatus…OK…maybe about two years…I decided to make good on my new year’s resolution and actually make an effort to go on dates. The resolution was to put myself out there more and meet new people since one of my life goals is to get married at some point; and at the big 3-0, I’m not really getting any younger. Side note, supposedly it is all downhill from here, but Jay-Z said 30 is the new 20, so maybe I can buy myself a few years here? Back to the blog, as I have started to jump into the dating pool once again, I have noticed a few things. Some of them about myself, some that others make about me, and a few general things in dating.

I’m fragile. At least that’s the impression I seem to give to girls. I did not really understand what this meant the first time I heard it. And then I did what every over analyzer does in this situation; I flipped the script and took a look at it from another perspective, my own. Who would I be concerned about dating due the fact that I would be scared of “breaking” them? Nice girls. Figures, I’ve been called a nice guy enough to be a billionaire 5 times over if people paid me a quarter every time they said it. So girls, I get you. I’m fragile. I would not want to break a nice girl’s heart, and you don’t want to break mine. Only problem with this b*llsh*t is that you have just admitted to me that you are judgmental. Lightweight deal breaker in my book.

As I’ve gotten older, one thing I realized is that we all have different stories. All that sh*t you hear on those talk shows about people having f*cked up childhoods that actually affect their growth and well being are actually true. SMH. Who would have f*cking known? I admittedly did not. I grew up pretty easy. My family stayed together. My parents raised me right (I think? hahaha). But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to develop thick skin or went through my own issues. Readers of my blog know that I am not shy to admit some of the trauma I’ve felt from growing up overweight. I have a 10+ page blog about it that just got way too personal to publish, but one drunken day I might pull it out of the vault. Lesson here, don’t let a good thing slip away because of what you think you know. On the same level, don’t assume you know the expectations of the other person when you haven’t even talked to them about it yet (this is a direct message to some people who I know read my blog and have yet to take this advice…haha).

Girls have some intense defense mechanisms programmed in them. And these mechanisms are set on auto start as soon as you meet them. All the “game” bullsh*t that guys have to come up with just to find out a name (that may or may not be real) is really just a strategical tactic to break down this defense. It may sound hilarious right now, but it is so f*cking true. Now say you get passed this defense mechanism, you are in right? Wrong. So far all you have done is gotten past the gate to the estate. Little did you know, there are 10 Doberman guard dogs ready to attack you. SMH. Assuming you actually have a personality and can get past the attack dog stage, maybe you make yourself into the house. Cool right? Once again, no! Instead of being asked if you would like something to drink, you have really just walked yourself into a fun house full of mirrors and trap doors. I swear, the number of walls and hoops you have to jump over and through is endless. Once you think you have conquered something, there is that bucket of water hanging over the door, ready to fall on top of your head as soon as you pass through.

In all seriousness, girls’ defense mechanisms are equivalent to guys’ insecurities and fears. Most guys have a fear of approaching, girls are the same. The fear of approaching is due to a fear of rejection, well, we’re all humans and the fear of rejection is present in both sexes as well. Once you get passed all this, there’s the fear of embarrassment or looking like you don’t know what to do. That exists in both too. So far, my method to combat these things has been to openly communicate. Faking it to make it will only last so long and the answers are far more complicated than any book can tell you, so just admit when you don’t know or aren’t sure. It’s not that bad. If you get laughed at or ridiculed, you probably don’t need to be with that person anyway. Not the kind of people you want to let into your circle. Besides, the one who laughs is probably the one with the real issues in this situation. Read: defense mechanism.

OK, enough being somewhat funny, yet enlightening, and to get my inner white pants wearing Drake on. I always hear and read about how previous relationships (whether serious or not) can leave a lasting impression on you. In other words, how previous relationships can traumatize your beliefs in the other person. Maybe I was naïve (OK I still am) in thinking that everyone can start with a clean slate. But I was talking to my therapists or friends, whatever you want to call them, and they made me realize that I have a collection of traumatizing events that have shaped my views and thinking today. It’s never fair when you let the past affect your future, especially when it comes to other people, so I feel pretty terrible about this. Another mental mountain to climb up and over, but I think I’m in decent shape, so it shouldn’t feel that bad.

Dirty thirty. Ugh. I think I have been reminded that I am turning 30 tomorrow at least once every day for the last month. I hear that it’s supposed to be some milestone year and 5 years ago I would have believed it. When you’re 18 and fresh out of high school, 30 seems like light years away and is a nice age to kind of set your bench marks. I want to __________ before I turn 30 or by the time I am 30, I want to _________ . As people have reminded me that this day is coming up, I have slowly been going into my annual birthday reflections/depression. I hate my birthday. Absolutely hate it. I’ve talked in the past about all the tragedies that have surrounded my birthday and more recently, it’s been a time that I absolutely do not look forward to because it brings me nothing but mental stress.

Not many know this, but last year around this time, I checked myself into the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. I was wrong and it turns out that I was just having a massive anxiety attack. Laugh all you want, but when you compare the symptoms side-by-side, they are almost exactly the same and when you are a hypochondriac who knows that heart problems run in the family, it is automatically a spell for disaster. Anyway, I was healthy as can be, maybe even too healthy as every test came back much better than average and the ultrasound tech even told me that I would make a great model for a class because every part of my heart could clearly be seen on the ultrasound. I felt somewhat stupid and embarrassed after this, but then I realized that mental problems and anxiety are no joke and there are some people out there way worse than I am.

Fast forward to this year, I am much healthier mentally. I had great friends and great support during my struggles last year and now I am able to handle most things that come my way. I have lapses here and there, but I have pretty much expected those to last throughout my lifetime. We all have issues and bulls**t that we have to deal with on a daily basis and it’s always something different that triggers them. Something I have learned with the mental aspect of life and life in general is that it is much better to face something head on and learn how to deal or counter it, rather than put it off and avoid the confrontation. Sometimes confrontation can be a good thing. Getting backed into that corner where you are forced to make a decision or a move that you have never made before is how I/we learn and experience new things.

Last year I wasn’t sure (in my head) if I would even make it to see 30. This year, I am less than 24 hours away from and kind of curious of where I’ll be in the next year. I used to think of 30 as a year set as some kind of deadline to meet some expectations. Now I look at 30 and think that there is still so much to learn and experience, and mentally, I am ready to deal with all the excitement and disappointment that lie ahead.

Last night, I was having a conversation about dating and why we do it. After sending the last of my texts, I realized I was being somewhat of a hypocrite. All this time I had given people shit every time they did not want to give someone else a chance (nice guy mentality), when it turns it, I was doing the exact same thing. It’s funny how giving great advice and taking your own advice are always two completely different things.

So what did I realize I was doing? It wasn’t that the person I did not want to date was un-attractive, it was more along the lines that I was not sure if I really liked them or not. <> But in order to get to this type of mentality, I had to personally mindfuck myself into it. I have this tendency to over think or over analyze situations that I am not familiar with, and dating is no exception. If I ever found myself thinking that there was no future with this person because of a particular deal breaker, it was game over. Stupid. For someone who was single and trying to figure out the whole relationships thing, that was probably the dumbest thing I could do.

I wish I could sit here and write about how I am completely cured of this and how I have the solution to this situation, but I don’t. I probably still do not know anything about dating and relationships. I know for damn sure I know nothing about how a woman thinks because every time I run into a dilemma and ask for their opinion, it is usually completely left field compared to what I hear from the guys. Hahaha.

However, while lying in bed last night dreading the last few sentences that came out of my mouth, I came to a few realizations. It is ok to go into dating someone not knowing entirely what may or may not happen. Isn’t that what dating is actually for? To see if it will work or not? I never really know what I am getting myself into or what I actually want from the other person. But that is ok as well, since it is the job of the relationship to expose each others’ flaws, fears, and doubts, and for lack of better words, help make them better. Leaving yourself vulnerable to another person is scary as fuck. Telling someone what you are afraid of or what you’re afraid might happen is scary as fuck. Not knowing what will happen in the future is scary as fuck. Having anxiety and feeling like you are not going to see the next day has taught me one good thing and that is literally YOLO. As played out as that ridiculous acronym is, you never really know how something will turn out unless you take a few risks. Completely ruling something or someone out because YOU are afraid of those risks is completely unfair to not only the other person, but yourself as well. You (I) cannot be afraid to live in the moment and take each day one at a time. Stressing and worrying about what might come to be in the next few weeks is pointless since those next few weeks are never really guaranteed to begin with.

What’s your type? Being single for the last million years, I swear that I have heard this question about a million times. Truthful answer, I don’t know. One week it’s this and the next week it’s that. My “type” can be triggered by anything, a movie I saw, book I’m reading, a song, etc. What does that mean? Maybe I saw a movie starring Jessica Biel. That week, my type might be tall brunettes with a little bit of muscle on them. Maybe I went to a CrossFit competition. That following week, my type might be a girl who is really into fitness. No idea. But just like the fact that I have no idea, it is hard for me to define a type. But what about in real life? Do the qualities I look for change from week to week? Is everyone just part of a phase in my life?

Physically, I do not believe that anyone really has a type. Despite what I said above, when people are infatuated with someone else, they aren’t staring at their hair or their eyes; they are falling for their character. Jessica Biel, maybe she was the cool girl of the movie. That’s hot. CrossFit girl, maybe she was wilding out and being a beast in the competition. That’s hot. Just like Drake had mentioned in a quote last year, you typically associate music with an event or a feeling you were having. Well, I like to think that you associate a person’s physical qualities with how their personality portrays it. If the cool girl has long, flowing brown hair and a more muscular physique, then the cool girl you are searching for will have those same qualities. The same could be said if she had black hair and slanted eyes or blond hair and blue eyes. Get it?

Phases. We go in and out of them all the time. It’s natural. Does that mean the same thing in dating? Every time we go in and out of a phase, then it is time to switch it up? If it were true then there would be no such thing as relationships or marriages. Just like I mentioned in the previous paragraph, stating your type using physical qualities would be completely inaccurate. Defining the personality characteristics is much more realistic as these are the ones that have the ability to make it through phases and can remain consistent throughout. The person who inspired this blog summarized this best when they said, “if you can make it past these next few months, typically I will date you for a very long time.”

What about game? Overrated. Real game is knowing how to remain yourself despite the situation you are in and who is staring you in the face. Wtf? All of us have flaws. All these flaws can be exposed at any given time. Trying to remain perfect at all times is impossible. The person you are around your friends and family is the person that you need to be at all times. Anytime you break this character, you are asking for trouble because this tiny, little lie will eventually grow and you will be stuck scrambling to re-create yourself. Eh…not going to happen. Having real game means that you can stay yourself no matter how much pressure is put on you. When you are around people you are comfortable with, you are confident and can do whatever you want without feeling self-conscious. The person with the most game is the person who can do this with anyone without putting on a front.

It’s funny how one simple event can completely change your perspective on a person. Normally it’s not so much what they did, but more like what they didn’t do. And what they didn’t do is tell the fucking truth! Liars. Can’t stand those motherfuckers.

Most of the time, I could really care less about what people do. It’s their life and I really have no say in the decision making. I’ve been trying to improve on my big brother syndrome and not offering unsolicited advice, which in turn has converted me into an observer in most situations.

I actually do not really mind this new role as it has made me a better listener, but at the same time, I feel like I come off as stand off-ish or somewhat boring sometimes. Usually my silence is due to the fact that I am extremely annoyed and upset about what is going on and would rather keep my mouth shut than burn a bridge.

But those liars though?!?!? Fuck them. Seriously. Nothing gets to me more than being lied to when I already know the truth. I will let someone continually fuck themselves by asking strategic questions that will lead to more lies just so I can shake my head at their stupidity.

I’ve lost friendships in the past because of times I have refused to lie about some shady ass shit. Fuck it. There’s a huge difference between trust and lying in friendship. You should never put your friend in a situation where they have to sacrifice their personal morals in order to have to protect your shady doings. That’s called being selfish.

Where do you draw the line between being a good friend and standing by your morals? We always have moments where we are forced to sit back and watch our friends do things we do not agree with, yet have to somewhat support them because we are their friends. But do we always have to support them? Or is this the moment where we realize we may be starting to grow apart and it may be time to sever ties?

How are you supposed to give advice to someone when how you feel is not going to exactly make them feel better and will actually break them down as a person even more? It is always tough to have a friend turn themselves in even if both of you know that doing that is the best solution to the problem.

Some people get so caught up in their own fantasy worlds where they are invincible. Not only in their heart but with all the people who they have chosen to surround them self with. Yes men. Stronger bonds and friendships are built by dealing with the bullshit and finding a way through it. It’s like those couples who never fight and are always happy. Fuck them. That shit is fake as fuck and won’t last. I might sound bitter but slap yourself if you disagree cause you’re naive as hell and living a dream.

So now that you have committed yourself to standing by your friend through the nonsense, how much do you exactly get involved? Getting yourself too far immersed in your friend’s drama leads to your own personal drama. Instead of a one on one battle, alliances are formed and more people get caught up in the bullshit. Friendships are lost due to taking sides and in the end, people realize they were fighting over spilled milk.

I’ve learned to stop playing the middle man and big brother in all these situations. I always found that the more advice I gave, the more undeserved backlash I received. By keeping to myself an offering bits and pieces rather than trying to build the entire building myself, I find that I have stricken the balance between being supportive, while still standing my ground and not getting too immersed in someone’s bullshit other than my own.