I went to a David Sedaris reading last night. It was billed as "An Evening With David Sedaris," but it was actually more like "Ninety Minutes With David Sedaris and 2,399 Other People, Approximately Thirty Percent Of Whom Will Arrive Late and Climb Over You To Get To Their Seats In The Middle Of The Performance, and Three Of Whom Will Whisper Constantly In The Row Behind You." But I can see how it might have been kind of hard to fit all that on the ticket. And how people might have been less willing to pay $45 if they had.

Today marks the day that the local alternative weekly paper found my little space on the Internet and published this piece about it. You know how sometimes you're in TJ Maxx and you think "oh shit, I know that person over there, and now we're going to see each other and have to say hello and then she's going to know that I shop in TJ Maxx"? And then the next thought in your head is, "wait, but she's in TJ Maxx too, and so that means she shops here, and so it's going to be equally embarrassing for both of us, and we're either going to have to pretend that we just don't see each other, or say hello and then make an unspoken pact---possibly through some complex eyebrow maneuvers---that neither of us ever mentions the encounter to anyone else"? And you're therefore suddenly not humiliated to be caught in TJ Maxx because the other person can't say anything about it to you because then other people will know that THEY WERE THERE TOO? You know when that happens?

Well, today that didn't happen. Today I might as well change my name to Wanda Sue and git mah nails did. Because today the whole of Charleston knows that I was in Wal-Mart sometime last week, like, IT WAS IN PRINT, and that's PROOF, and yet I don't have anything to embarrass Charleston with in return because yes, I was in Wal-Mart BUT HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I WAS JUST DESPERATE FOR A COFFEE MAKER and the Target was too far, and I thought if I went to Wal-Mart JUST THIS ONCE and didn't run into anyone I knew, it might be okay. Now, however, I have been pegged---IN PRINT, I SAID---as an Official Wal-Mart Shopper. And I'm not a Wal-Mart shopper! I'm British!

Perhaps this is how Britney Spears feels when she ventures out in her Fat Sweatpants just this one time, because she has to return a DVD before K. Fed racks up any more late charges, and then the paparazzi catches her and the next thing you know her Fat Sweatpants are all over the front page of OK! magazine, and suddenly she's a Fat Sweatpants Wearer. (Not a FAT sweatpants-wearer, because COME ON, SHE JUST HAD A BABY, and it's mean to talk about her like that; I mean a person who wears her Fat Sweatpants. Did you know that my grandma thought for 50 years that the Fat Controller in Thomas the Tank Engine was the man who controlled the fat content of the food, and not the conductor who just happened to be rather portly?)

Anyway, in other news, my friend brought me back some guava jam from the British Virgin Islands a few weeks ago and today I read the back of the jar, because I was thinking that I might like to try it soon, and it said "This delectable all-natural jam is great on bread, toast, crackers, and a variety of desserts. Savor this premier product and experience this once-in-a-lifetime thrill!!!!"

And so now I am totally all over this guava jam. Because this guava jam is obviously so fantastic that it requires four exclamation points! And even though I rather thought I'd experience my next once-in-a-lifetime thrill, say, bungee jumping or seeing the Taj Mahal for the first time, I am so ready to eat this guava jam, because HOW GOOD MUST THIS GUAVA JAM BE? I am rather considering a trip to the British Virgin Islands to stock up on this guava jam, just based on that glowing review on the back.

But! Perhaps they just sell it in Wal-Mart! I'll be sure to let you know next time I'm in there stocking up on Ho-Hos. And I bet I can totally git mah nails did there too.

If there had been just a bit more room on the Full Disclosure Ticket, they surely would have also referenced "People Who Laugh Readily And Loudly To Show They Are The Most Sophisticated Consumers Of Sedaris Wit"

Wow, the Charleston Weekly Geekly really dogged you out! They covered your trashpicking, your self-tanning, and stabbing yourself. Will these stalkarazzi stop at nothing?But I bet some fat redneck will think twice before dropping a door in your face again...

5

Nothing But BonfiresApr 13, 2006

I am quite happy to be known as the furniture-stealing self-stabber with orange palms. But a Wal-Mart shopper? Quelle horreur!

AHEM, it's alright Holly! You can let the secret out now! We know you were...um...doing research! That's it, research for a freelance piece exposing the underhanded habits, and, uh, dirty bathrooms of Walmart! There's no need to tarnish your reputation just to keep your work on the Q.T.. We'll be looking forward to reading your expose!

I was throwing a bachelorette party and one of the games was to decorate underwear and the bride chooses the winner. Well since I was throwing the party and I was on a budget I thought to myself where can I get cheap underwear? Ahh Wal-Mart! Keep in mind that it had been years since the last time I went in there because I really do fear for my life while I am in there. I went in with big glasses and I was so embaressed because I was BUYING UNDERWEAR IN WAL-MART! Thank goodness no one saw me!

Do what I do when I get caught in a place I am ashamed to be in. Act like you don't care, just own it be (fake) proud of it. be like "YEAH I WAS AT WALMART GETTING ME A COFFEE POT AND I PICKED UP A PHONE CARD AND A GLADE CANDLE TOO, WHAT'S UP?"

Then, challenge them to a dance off and be done with it. (Seriously, you break out into the robot and they won't care if you shop at The Good Will. THEY WILL RESPECT YOU.)

You kin totally git your nails all done up there. And a hair cut. At least you can at my Wal-Mart here in the great state of Maryland. They will even airbrush little designs on them. It is the height of elegance and sophistication. Of course 70 percent of the females here are either still wearing the female mullet or the giant bangs from the eighties that require a light coating of industrial shellac to hold up. Of course I know this because I do my grocery shopping there, on Wednesday nights when the store is almost empty it can be tolerable.

Congrats on your little piece of recognition! There is no one on the Internet who deserves it more, if you ask me.

I was going to say something clever and smarmy about Wal-Mart but I just ate a load of bacon and I think all that salt and grease it is interfering with my neurons or something like that.

14

Heather Apr 13, 2006

I had a very similar experience when I saw David Sedaris (also for 90 minutes) in Indianapolis last week. Except I would say that approximately FIFTY percent of the audience arrived late. Why so rude, NPR listeners? He did sign my book, though. And drew me a picture. And told me about getting audited in France (huh?).

AAAAAH! This is why I love you. Big Sedaris fans here! We like Amy, as in Strangers With Candy. I look at Jerri Blank and pray "Oh God, please don't let me be that woman. I'm not that woman, right?" I was never that slutty! Or that drunk! Or that goofy! And I'm not that old! At least not that I'll admit to.

I have to say that I burst into laughter with the eyebrow maneuvers, which is absolutely the most Douglas Adamsian bit of writing I've ever seen from ANYONE, much less anyone with a VAGINA. I don't know whether to turn queer and marry you, or adopt you or what. At least I can tell my mommy friends I discovered you, right? You with your apple-green Hol-Vac with the CREVICE TOOL and whatnot. And look at you now, all famous and shit. Does this mean I have to stop cussing in your comments? Because if so . . . . well, fuck me. Happy Thursday! Mojitos are on me.

I was at Sedaris, too! Some mental midget had the nerve to take a phone call right next to me towards the end of the show. like, "hey! oh, not much. just at the david sedaris show. yeah. it's pretty funny. oh...not sure...i think we..." and that's when I - in all MY Wal-mart shopper glory - said, "Um, dude?" and then he looked at me and shrugged as if to say, "Um...excuse me? I'm on the phone here!" I then said, "Hey man!" (I'm very verbose), and he got up and left, but not before tripping on the stairs...

What's wrong with people here?!?! How 'bout that Lifetime question? I didn't get that at all...

As far as outing you, I can only hope you get a few more readers, cuz you are a favorite read of mine!

Can I add something about TJ Maxx? Because, no knocking it. Good stuff to be had there, at the Maxx.

And if you go to Ireland, you can go to TK Maxx, the cleverly disguised name of the Irish TJ Maxx. Who would have guessed?

20

Nothing But BonfiresApr 13, 2006

I would never knock the Maxx! In fact, I'm the president of its fan club! I'm just a little embarrassed when Fancy People catch me there. But then the Fancy People probably pay full-price for their BCBG shoes.

Just HAD to mention that I went into the "99 Cent Store" today, because the day care lady bought these magical booties there which stay on Julia's feet despite the fact that she is Houdini and I can't keep a sock on her. And that place? The clientele made Wal-Mart look like Bloomie's. OH THE SHAME. Watching the defectives. (But I snagged 6 pairs for, hmm, $5.94.)

Someone recently told me that she was going to Wal-Mart to get her hair cut and I was required to silently nod as if that were a totally normal thing to tell a person. Does it make me a hypocrite if I feel free to judge that person while planning to get my next haircut at the beauty school because it is $5 and I have long hair which really doesn't require any kind of skill?

I guess I was lucky that people were on time at the David Sedaris show I attended in Akron on Saturday. However, the full disclosure ticket should also mention that there may be people behind you who will repeat several times that this is their 12th time seeing David and that it is so great that he talks about his boyfriend in the Q&A portion of the show.

26

Bett Apr 14, 2006

I'm so glad I am not alone in my love of TJ Maxx. I have a purse addiction and it is one of the best places to feed my habit.

I love you. In a completely platonic, non-stalker Internet way - just so we clear that up. Anyway, I was talking to a customer from Charleston today and I came so very close to saying "Hey! Do you know Holly?" But I'm assuming that there's probably more than one Holly in Charleston.

I would never go to Wal-Mart to get my hair cut. Of course, my "stylist" is at Great Clips and I pay maybe 20 bucks for a hair cut with tip. But she's good. And nice and understands that my hair hates me and I cannot be expected to actually have a hair cut that requires styling. And I don't understand why everyone doesn't shop at TJ Maxx. Why would you want to pay full price for stuff? I don't spend more than 20 dollars on shoes, I can't imagine people who will spend more than $100.