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In this series, our writers take each other on to debate the most important issues of our time. This week’s installment brings you CATS V DOGS. It’s immense.

DOGS

Matt Webb

It is an age old question. Which are better, cats or dogs? The greatest scientific minds in the world have devoted years of research to try to come up with the answer, but it has, so far, eluded them.

Finally, I have consented to take time away from my vitally important work of adding up numbers to make zero, to provide conclusive proof that dogs are by far superior. I have, in my life, lived with both cats and dogs, so feel that I am well qualified to judge.

Picture the scene. You arrive from work, back to the home which you share with your spouse/partner/shag piece, call it what you will.

You call out a greeting. Silence.

You enquire into the happenings of their day. Silence.

You ask why it is that the house smells a bit like poo. Silence.

You conclude that the house is empty; perhaps they haven’t arrived back from work yet. You settle down to watch The One Show on BBC1 with a well earned cup of tea, not wanting to explore too closely the source of that faint pooey odour.

Suddenly you feel something clawing wildly at your ankles. After taking a moment to catch your breath and make sure your heart is still beating, you investigate the space below the sofa where you find your partner giving you the world’s worst dose of skunk eye.

“Hello, what are you up to?” you ask. They scurry away into another part of the house, you know not where.

After an hour and a half, they slink back into the living room and ask you, “So is the fucking dinner ready or what? What the fuck is this shit? This is the same fucking stuff you served up last night. God damn it, when will you learn? I’m going out. See you later. Or maybe not, who knows? Oh, by the way, yeah, I crapped somewhere in the house, but I’m not going to tell you where, you’ve got to find it.”

Let’s imagine a different scenario:

You come home and your partner throws the door wide open with a grin, a hug and a kiss. “Darling! Has it really been only a day since we were last parted from each other?? Every moment apart from you seems, to me, a lifetime! Here are your slippers, dearest. Oh, are you making dinner? That would be lovely, darling! Oh, no, I don’t mind what we have, but let’s eat up soon and then we can go for a romantic evening stroll before snuggling up together on the sofa to watch David Attenborough. Yes, I do so love a nature documentary!”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I would not stick around long with a partner that scratched me, hid from me, complained about the food, disappeared all night and took a shit in the house. If I would not put up with that in a partner, why should I put up with it in a pet? In my experience, this is what life is like with a cat.

If you want unconditional love, devotion and loyalty, not to mention somebody that will have the common decency to look thoroughly ashamed of themselves if they have an accident on the rug, then get yourself a dog. The choice is yours.

CATS.

Ellie Hutchinson

So cats vs dogs then. In my opinion cats are pretty much the dog’s bollocks (arf arf). They require stroking and feeding, and that’s it. I’m not going to waste too much of my time outlining precisely why cats are better than dogs when it’s so patently obvious, but here’s a short summary. Firstly, that picture there? That’s my cat. Hell yeah he’s cute. Secondly, cats are the lazy but not crazy person’s pet of choice. They’re better than a hamster (any grown-up who owns a rodent is best avoided) and less work than a dog.

I don’t want to miss out on a holiday because of the dog or get up at 5am for a walk. These are the exact reasons that I don’t want children at the moment-no hangovers allowed as you have to get up at 5am. No. That will not do.

Which brings me nicely to point two, I want a pet, not a dependent. Jeez. The most I have to do as a cat owner is walk downstairs to let him out. Sometimes even that is too much which means my cat, rather ironically, resembles a small dog. But that’s it! It’s magical.

And on the subject of magic, did you know that whiskers on kittens really can cure depression? Or that a cat’s meow is worth three Elizabeth Taylors? Of course you didn’t, that’s because cats keep their magic hidden. Unlike bloody dogs. If I have to see one more set of canine testes I’m going to rip them off and shove them down the owner’s throat.

Thirdly, all that slobber? I’m ok for viscousy, boak-inducing saliva thank you very much. And lastly, this whole “man’s best friend” shtick has to stop. Take a minute and reflect on that. Really. Think about what you’re saying and ask yourself; is dog companionship what I’m aiming for in life? Is it better than a cat’s friendship? Or, you know, that of A HUMAN BEING. It’s a pet, not a bff for ffs. Deal with it.