Fear of Intimacy in Men: Cause, Relationship Problems, Tips

Generalization caveat: Not all men are afraid of relationships, but many men are terrified of them. Before I get into the reasons why they're so afraid, let me first address the question of whether men are more afraid of relationships than women.

The debate about whether men and women are extremely similar or extremely different doesn't seem to go away, and it's largely because we have little way of proving much within the psychological arena. Who knows, maybe one day we'll learn so much about the brain that we can definitively answer the question. Odds are, however, that the day may never come: Perhaps the social influences shaping males and females are so powerful that it's primarily the social part, and not the biological part, that makes men and women who are they are.

Do men fear relationships more than women? The truth is that it's hard to tell. Measuring fear of intimacy among men and women in a research sense is tricky, but one study (Thelen et al., 2000) attempted it and found that men scored higher on a Fear-of-Intimacy Scale. To women who have known men terrified of relationships, this research will come as no surprise.

Anecodotally, my fifteen years as a therapist have shown me that men are often more afraid of letting their guards down and being vulnerable than women, so it would make sense if they fear relationships more than women. To give some context, the media is always reporting about the different ways boys and girls are socialized, and many of us see such gender-restrictive parenting among folks within our social circles. Because it does appear that boys and girls, at least historically, have been socialized differently, it would make sense that girls who were socialized to engage in cooperative play grow up to be women who are better at handling emotions and relationships than boys who were socialized to engage in competitive and physical play and grow up to be men who are less comfortable with vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships.

But here's the important part: Not all men are terrified of relationships! When it comes to the subset of men who are, what makes them different? In other words, why are the so afraid of relationships?

Previous Relationship Trauma

A man may not be able to function well in a relationship if he has extensive issues that stem from a previous relationship trauma. The relationship trauma may have occurred when the man was a child or when he was an adult.

Men who, as children, had an absent parent, a parent they lost, or a parent who abused them in any way are going to have an awfully difficult time seeking out and maintaining a healthy relationship. The wake of trauma can make romantic relationships almost unbearable and undoable if the man has not processed the trauma and worked through all the associated thoughts and feelings.

In addition, men who are afraid of relationships may have had a previous relationship as an adult that was traumatic. Having a previous partner who abused them in any way, cheated on them, left them or died can cause these men later to avoid emotional intimacy and relationships altogether. Though some or all of these men may still have a desire for closeness, the emotional pain from the previous trauma is too great for these men to take the risk and jump into a relationship again.

Some men are afraid of relationships because they have an overall approach that makes relationships exremely anxiety-provoking. Men who have OCD or OCD features are often afraid of relationships because of the uncertainty and lack of control that come with relationships. People with OCD have a very high need structure and need to feel that their environment is extremely controlled and predictable. The thought of dealing with messy emotions and having to share an emotional life, as well as a physical space, is often too much to bear.

Men who have a paranoid personality type are often afraid of relationships, as well. Paranoid men are hypervigilant about their environment and screening everyone who comes into their space. They are extremely aware of hierarchies of power and carry the ongoing fear that someone is going to trap them somehow and take advantage of them. For these reasons, reliance and dependence on another person are incredibly far-out notions for the paranoid man.

Suffering from depression or having depressive symptoms has everything to do with relationship status. For single depressed men, they suffer from low motivation and often feel badly about themselves. The idea of a relationship sounds extremely complicated to these men and, in addition, sounds like too much work for someone who is truly dealing with onging depressed feelings. Keep in mind that many men don't talk openly about feeling depressed, so you may not even know the real reason why a given man is afraid of relationships - you just know something is off.

Secret Addictions

If you're not a therapist (or a follower of any number of off-the-wall, extreme docu-reality shows), you would probably be more than a little surprised to understand how many addictions people suffer from. Some addictions are more obvious, while others are easier to hide. Part of what comes with the addictive process is extreme guardedness: The addict becomes hypervigilant about who they get close to and they avoid anyone who is going to hold them accountable. Think about it: Having a partner is going to cause an addict - someone in the throes of denial - to feel incredibly anxious, and the addict would find a way in such a situation to escape.

Now that you know about some of the reasons why men fear relationships, consider for a moment the paradox that many men who have a secret fear of relationships are often in relationships! In the relationships, these men often have a hard time maintaining closeness with their partner for any significant length of time: He either never lets them fully in, always keeping them at a distance or cheats, abuses, or witholds sex or affection from time to time. Other men who are afraid of relationships never even try to settle down: They're the bachelors at 40, never having married; the charming uncle who never brings the same woman to gatherings more than once; or the man who says he wants something long-term but distracts himself with types who are completely in appropriate, so the relationship never has any real chance of going anywhere.

If you have become involved with a man you believe has a fear of relationships, talk to him about it. Tell him what you believe and what you see, and do it in a casual, nonjudmental manner. If you really want to make a romantic relationship with him work well, offer to go to couples therapy to help him - and you, too! - flesh out these issues. There is hope for men who are afraid of relationships, but they must be disciplined about trying to change and honest with themselves about how dysfunctional their romantic life has been as a result of their relationship fears.

The clue is probably in the title! It's an article about men who are afraid of intimacy. Wouldn't it not be a bit odd to focus on females (as most of the PT content usually does?). I thought the article was excellent. Very interesting.

How do you know the effect is not gender specific? Do you have any studies to show this? I'm sure there are effects that are common to both genders, but surely there are some effects which are unique to each gender. For instance, the different socializations genders are exposed to, as explained in the article.

Also, the article attempted to explain why men are generally more afraid of intimacy. If the effects were not gender specific, then surely there would be no difference?

The effect is gender specific because men handle (or don't handle) their emotions differently than women. Men are generally confused and frustrated, even anxious, when it comes to understanding, labeling and dealing with their emotions. They tend to shove it down and away until it doesn't seem so "present" and they can forget about it. They do not heal from their emotions, they just turn the light out and hope the darkness is real disappearance when really it is just an illusion.

My early attempts at love resulted in painful hurt. I married for more practical reasons -- she was good for me and compatible in many ways. I believe that she settled for me as well.

Not being in love made the relationship possible. It's like living with my best friend and once and awhile we have sex (which is ultimately unsatisfying for both of us).

I sometimes start to feel strongly for some woman I work with, but I just suppress that feeling, knowing I can only make a fool of myself. I want to be free of this marriage, but for what?

Now after 25 years, I can see that love would have made our relationship better, but then, if no one is stepping up to the love plate for you, settling for a no love relationship may be better than being alone.

I think you made a wise decision in picking a the lifetime partner. Being married isn't just about love, other trait such as being loyal is a self control attitude that you choose to demonstrate every time a temptation seems trying to pull you out of your vows. It's a similar consciousness to maintain a job, stay on a diet, save for retirement, but ironically many don't have such discipline to a small degree, let alone for a marriage. Feeling in love is so inflated through media these days, no wonder it's so confusing. If you respect your spouse, and vice versa, that's love already. Put it in the opposite way (love but no/little respect), that's for sure not love, a puppy love maybe.. Love intensity is measured through a long period of time, how to sustain the connections is what matters. Being alone isn't so much a bad stigma these days compared to the angst and depression a person would suffer in an unhappy marriage, life in hell so to speak.

I disagree with the bias in article that unmarried guys over 40 are seen as lifetime bachelors ?? How about over 50 and still single, considering we're living much longer these days. Many times entering 40 means fine-tuning the career, the finances, the "plate" is supposed to be open and ready for the next phase for settling down with little to no personal/financial baggages from the 20s/30s through various life experience. I would imagine that men would become much fearless at their 40s and would make them truly confident, ripe life partners. it's funny these days living up to 80 and 90 are so common and the author still use the "old" principle when our ancestors were rarely making to 70s..

I am the same. I married my wife for practical and financial security reasons and never loved her or felt any sexually attraction to her. As a matter of fact I can't even stand to see her naked.

But although the sex was pretty well nonexistent from the start I have stayed on as we did manage to have two children through artificial insemination and I believe they deserve a mother and father living under the same roof with them.

But being sexually lonely is a constant strain on my mental health and I am now going on 20 years since I last had skin to skin sex with anyone. I still have a huge sex drive and even in my late 50's I masturbate twice a day every day.

In many ways my life is way better now than it was when I was single but in my single days I had lots of sexual partners and I guess losing that was the price I had to pay for financial or domestic stability. Something I never had growing up with alcoholic parents.

I guess we are the same. Same type of marriage, same alcoholism in the family and same search for the stability we missed growing up. I find ways around my loneliness. It's not what I wished for but it does help. And I still have hope that I'll figure everything out and not be afraid anymore. Failing that, maybe reincarnation is real and I'll get a second (third?) chance at what must be life's greatest joy.

This article really answered many of my questions. I am attracted to a man whose wife cheated on him and left him with his 3 small children. The children just came of age and have moved out. He lives alone and although nice and can carry a conversation he does not seem to be close to anyone in particular. He wife was a real nut case and it seems to run genetically in her family. I heard he was really in love with her. He now gives the appearance of distance to anyone and does not let any woman close to him. Funny thing is I went through the same thing almostto the tee,although I am attracted to him I keep my distance. We know we are attracted to each other but thats about it. We keep our distance. Although I am lonesome, the thought of a relationship just paralizes me. I just can't do it. I was very traumatized in my first marrige to the point where I think I have PTSD. I feel like I live in a catatonic state most of the time, like I am outside looking in on life and just going through the motions.

Ever since I started dating as a teenager I found that after 3 or 4 sexual encounters with the same woman, no matter how I felt about her, I would suddenly shut down sexually, unable to perform experiencing various sexual dysfunctions. For many years I attributed this to being easily bored sexually and when the sexual dysfunction symptoms would crop up, I would simply break off the relationship and move on to another until the pattern would repeat and I would move on again and again. None of these relationships ever lasted for more than a few weeks, at most a couple of months depending on the frequency of sexual relations.

I was mainly concerned with building a career in my 20's and 30's so the lack of any kind of romantic relationships didn't bother me. As long as I could have sex a few times a month I was satisfied. Luckily I was fairly good looking so never had a problem getting women to go out with me.

It wasn't until I married at age 40, wanting to have children and be part of a family that this loss of sexual arousal after just a few times having sex began to complicate my life. It happened while dating my wife and although I wasn't going to tell her it was because I was bored with her sexually (what I believed was the cause) I played dumb and and told her i didn't know what the problem was that was causing me to be unable to get an erection during sex with her.

My soon to be wife, ever the optimist, said not to worry that we would seek therapy after we married. We did just that but the months of therapy turned into years and one therapist turned into three all of whom threw in the towel as did my wife who found the various treatments and exercises the Sex Therapists gave us (what they called "homework") to be frustrating and very damaging to her self esteem. This was because after awhile, with therapy obviously not working, she began to blame herself and her own sexual attractiveness. So after three years in an unconsummated marriage my wife gave up on therapy and settled into a sexless marriage the best she could.

I continued on in therapy with various psychologists and a psychiatrist but again none of them could figure out what the problem was. My sexual functioning was fine when I masturbated alone. And I did have two very brief affairs in those first 5 years of marriage and again the functioning was fine until after less than a half a dozen sexual encounters with these women then again I would lose sexual arousal and be unable to perform and I broke off the relationships.

In our 6th year of marriage we decided to seek fertility treatments so we could have children. The fact that I could have success masturbating alone meant we were able to have artificial insemination which worked great and we had two children in the space of 4 years.

After the last child was born (he is now 17) we never spoke of our sexual difficulties again and the marriage has now been sexless for a quarter century.

I really miss skin to skin sexual contact with women but after my kids were born I gave up on affairs and accepted I probably would never have sex again for the rest of my life. To me keeping the family together was more important that having sex although I was (and am) angry that it has to be one or the other. This despite a strong sex drive that hasn't grown any less as I got older. Masturbation alone has been my only sexual outlet.

A couple of years ago I read an article about intimacy anxiety and how a childhood full of trauma and family of origin dysfunction (my parents were violent alcoholics who hated each other and fought constantly) can cause what is called an "attachment disorder" which in turn causes intimacy anxiety. At first I was skeptical because I never felt any conscious anxiety at all when having sex, even when I was dating and would suffer from an inability to get an erection with a partner. Thinking it was simple boredom I would apologize, get out of bed and never see the woman again.

But the article I read went on to say that often intimacy anxiety is subconscious and any time I began to get close to a woman in a relationship my intimacy anxiety alarm bells would go off causing my body to release stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline that shut off sexual arousal like a light switch.

Sexual boredom was all I ever thought it was but after reading more on intimacy anxiety I now feel that this is what was causing my sexual difficulties and what has caused my marriage to remain unconsummated and sexless for so many years.

I simply cannot function sexually in a relationship unless I can keep the partner at arm's length emotionally. Something that is impossible when you live with someone in a marriage.

It is too late for anything to be done as I am now in my 60's. But I hope my story might cause someone else who suffers from this to take this information with them to their Doctor or Therapist.

Hello SamC, I just came across your article and I hope you'll get this comment because yours is one of the most insightful and honest commentaries I've read in a while. A lot of women are quite absorbed in their own needs (not necessarily because they are selfish) and are really not able to understand the connection between lets's say a future mate's background and how he behaves on the dating scene. Women's fear of intimacy manifests itself in different ways and so while we all seem to be worried about the same thing, maybe we aren't expressing that fear because we aren't actually conscious of the cause. So thank you so much for such an honest account.

I dated a man who's first girl friend cheated on him and then fell from a 9 story building. I went with this man for 27 years and finally said we get married or I am out. we got married. never consumated marriage, he never holds my hand or touches me affectionaly, we sleep in separate beds, he is a very nice man, and takes care of me, but there is no intamacy. he thinks everything is fine. what do I do. he is 55 and lived with his mom untill she died. he has issues, like I put a dirty wash cloth on the floor by his bedroom because I did not want to wake him to put it in the bin, and he wanted to know why that washcloth was there, just kept on asking untill I blew up at him. he is always asking stuff like that. like why the white powder (baking soda) was in the sink. it drives me nuts.

We all need intimacy, and will seek it, one way or another. Maybe your husband's criticizing you, subconsciously, is a way to 'connect' with you - I know it sounds strange, but maybe it is the only way he knows how.

Do your best to keep a healthy balance between the two. It is the best remedy to fix any relationship problem. Again, communication is key. You both should know what is stifling to each other and areas where you both want to depend on each other versus areas in which you both need independence. Balance between the two is important and the best way to find balance is to share and discuss what works and does not work for both of you.

I fit all of the above paragraphs in this article. I just got out of a relationship, in which I am mostly to blame because of the above reasons. I refused to go to couples therapy because I said "I just do not want a girlfriend".
I would seem to have a lot of work to do to make myself into a healthy half of a relationship. My question is: Why would I make such an effort? I do want intimacy, but not daily. I do want a sexual life, but not daily. Do I just seek a woman who wants similar things? Or go full force into "fixing myself" and try to fit into a full time relationship?

I guess I could try the "part time" thing, assuming I could find a participant.
Any constructive thoughts are welcome. Thanks.

Ummm you might "make the effort" because it could make you a better, healthier human being. And as a better and healthier human being you might be able to create an strong intimate relationship that brings happiness and joy not only to you but to your partner, any children you may have and even friends, acquaintances and the wider community. Sound like something that might be vaguely worth it?

The dirty little "secret," that the author didn't have the nerve to make explicit, is that the trauma in childhood was almost always from abuse by a FEMALE (i.e. his mother). Nice try sanitizing the discussion into a PC denial of any fault in women. It's WOMEN that cause fear of intimacy in men -- they learned from their mother that it's not safe to trust a woman.

Elephant, the fact that parents can cause immense psychological damage to their children is not a secret or a "secret." It's obvious and goes without saying. I'm a woman and my father's and brothers' verbal, emotional and physical abuse of me throughout my childhood and young adulthood left me with a deep-seated fear of intimacy and of men. I'm 50 years old now and I've pretty much accepted that, while I'm better able to handle closeness now than say in my 20s, the fear will always be there. Abuse moves in all directions. Please don't let your bad experiences lead you to woman-is-the-problem thinking.

He never said parents and he's not referring to adult romantic relationships. He said MOTHER. He's referring to the psychology behind the effects a man's first relationship in life - with his own mother - will have on his emotional development which will ultimately follow him throughout his entire life.

It is interesting that people with intimacy difficulties whether caused by childhood trauma or not like sex for sex's sake and some actually end up with problems of acting out sexually- mainly women
(as it is easier for them to have sex with multiple partners without
entanglements) It is only when a relationship starts to move beyond the first few dates that the intimacy alarm bells starts to go off causing them to run the other way. For women these "alarm bells" manifest themselves as fear or a feeling of emotional discomfort. For men the symptoms are far more serious as the intimacy anxiety shuts down their ability to perfprm sexually with that person.

I recommend an excellent book: "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. I am attracted to men who have a fear of intimacy, altho usually it is not extreme. But it still causes problems - I have felt hurt and rejection by it. I do want to share with all of you that Love, which I have experienced, is Incredible - there is nothing else like it. When you are in love, and the other person loves you, too - you finally understand what all the love songs are about, why they make romantic movies, etc. It is Magic - like winning the million dollar slots at Vegas emotionally.
And making love when you are both in love with each other - there is NOTHING finer, or better sexually, imho. You are 100% emotionally AND physically connected to each other - so united.
Also, I am not judging anyone here, but I, myself, will not stop seeking someone to love. And, definitely will NOT stop having sex. I LOVE it! And the cuddling and touching of each other - (not just sexually) feels SO great . . .
As for myself, am actively working on NOT dating men who are emotionally unavailable. I am still attracted to those who are, and because of my OWN traumas, I think I will always be attracted to them. But I have really learned to make NO judgments about myself, or them. We are who we are.
Btw, I am 61 years old. You can work on yourself at ANY age - please do not forget that. Sometimes we use age as an excuse because we are afraid. Its ok NOT to want to change your life, BUT just realize what you are actually doing or not doing. And - please do not judge yourself. Loving yourself is crucial, no matter if you do or don't work on changing.

You can praise being in love till you are blue in the face but a person who fears intimacy will have no idea what you're talking about.

Getting close means leaving yourself open to hurt and people with a fear of intimacy fear hurt deep inside themselves. In some cases it is burned into their subconscious as a child. Children who grew up with alcoholic or drug addicted parents or who were sexually, psychologically or physically abused as children find it almost impossible to maintain intimate relationships even if on the surface they think they would like to. They know from bitter experience that those who supposedly love you can turn on you, scare you and hurt you. Again this could all be subconscious and the person feels no anticipatory anxiety at all going into relationships later on in life.

As adults, as soon as a relationship starts getting serious the intimacy alarm bells go off. They begin to feel uneasy. In some men they can start suffering from sexual dysfunctions like the inability to get and/or maintain an erection during intercourse or the inability to ejaculate.

Women and men who suffer with this will begin to withdraw. They often start trying to find fault in the other person to try and explain to themselves why they suddenly lose attraction. It can come on slowly or like the flick of a switch. One minute they are feeling what they think of as love, the next the feel they can't get out of the relationship fast enough.

What ends up happening with many of these people is they move from partner to partner never staying in a relationship for very long. They often act out sexually knowing they feel more sexually comfortable having sexual relations with people they do not know well.

If these people do marry, often they are very lonely and like the idea of being in a family, more often than not all intimacy and sexual relations stops soon after the wedding and the marriages become permanently sexless. These people often make up for this by being the best husbands and wives and parents they can be despite not having any desire for sex and this makes divorce very difficult for the spouse who does want a normal sexual relationship.

We all see the romantic stories on TV and the movies, or in books. But for some, even though they might think they would like to partake in a loving relationship intimacy anxiety and a lack of trust makes it almost impossible.

In most cases therapy cannot help especially if the intimacy anxiety is caused by childhood trauma.

guy: I understand what you are saying. HOWEVER, I do think that every trauma is different, and each traumatized person is different. We are individuals, after all. What you are describing DOES exist, of course. But it is one end on a continuum.
For example, an old boyfriend with a difficult childhood once did fall in love. He said it turned how he viewed life from "black and white into color". I don't think he has fallen in love since, but who knows. At any rate, he does have the 'memory' of that to remind him that it is possible.
Also, I have an older uncle with 3 children - kids were traumatized. Parents got divorced. A few years later, uncle remarried, to a Wonderful woman. She became an incredible stepmother to those kids - she served as a true role model. The kids were able to learn to love and became involved in romantic relationships.
I also see the world as a glass 1/2 full. Of course, many of the people you describe (probably most) cannot have intimacy, as you so well explained. However, many people CAN change, if they work hard enough, and are willing to be open to a new way of life. It would take time, but little -by-little, they can be just a bit more vulnerable to another person, then a bit more.
I agree with you re: therapy. It can help some, but I have not been helped by it - actually came out of sessions more depressed than when I went in!
But I have grown a LOT since I left my narcissistic, workaholic ex-husband. I worked on learning what MY role was with being with him, & how I did or did not contribute to the problems in the marriage. I am now concentrating on choosing the RIGHT men to date. I am NOT saying it is easy; but again, am learning a lot, and THAT is what counts.Also, I have done many things for the first time - like not seeing a guy again because all he talked about on the first date was his ex-wife, etc.; told another guy who called me that I couldn't go out with him (he had put down the fact I was a political activist), because I needed a man who at least supported me in my activities. Did it feel awkward? Yes. Did it take guts? Oh yes. Was I afraid? Of course! But it felt WONDERFUL. I know I am on the right path, because I am looking for qualities which I need. And if a guy seems to be 'allergic' to intimacy, that is the end with me seeing him, as well, especially now, that I know the signs of a person like that.

What some women offer as "intimacy" these days, a men is well served by being afraid of it. Ask any man who's recently been through the court system with a soul-sucking velociraptor of an ex-wife with a divorce case based on a "scorched earth" policy. Even young men with little life experience hear the horror stories around the office water cooler...

It makes a guy wonder on every first date... I wonder *if* this sweet little thing is going to turn into a psycho, eat my heart out and leave me penniless. Or *if* it's just a matter of *when*...

That's not necessarily fear of intimacy. That's just a man having the brains to know that more than half of the women out there are not worth dating much less marrying and living with.

50% of marriages end in divorce. With coin-toss odds like that, only a woman can go into such an arranmgement and not get cold feet. Then again, women are incented to divorce men these days - divorce can be a very lucrative endeavor. All of the financial freedom without the burden of a man or a marriage!

So yeah, we're not as big on the whole "relationship DEAL" like the ladies are.

So why is this a problem again?
Oh right. There are no more GOOD MARRIABLE MEN LEFT....

Modern society relegates men to the status of "piece of crap" that's only good for two things: Sperm and money.

Smart men stay single and vigilant. It's the fools that rush right in, get caught up in the "love" and the "forever" BS only to pay out the nose and wallet later on.

I'm waiting for the day when a law is passed that if you are a single, unattached male over 30, you will be levied a special "bachelor tax" (half your earnings a month) to help fund a program that allows single women with or without kids to apply for free cash until they can land a man to financially rape.

You got to learn self control and learn to really truly read (not test) a woman. Go to markmanson.net.. tons of eyes opening tips for modern men. Dont get bitter w friends experince. Build a relationship slowly, go online dating only if you can afford making mistakes for the sake of speed, too many trials and errors. Otherwise, stay away.!

This is not a "scorced earth" problem. It is a mans problem to view his wife as more than free labor. Show me a man complaining that his ex took him for everything and I will show you a man who did the same "withholding" from his wife emotionally, or that treated her at most like the family nanny or bedroom prostitute. More than likely he was money obsessed and lied about or hid his earnings. He failed to see his wife as a human with feelings.
He probably cheated too. It just is in far too many cases.

Wow!!!! what an experience Dr.Malaa is a wonderful spell caster, he has made my life complete again by helping me cast a spell to get erections anytime i want to.. i was living a miserable life before,i was embarrassed,disgraced by several women because i could not get an erection,i even married and my marriage was a catastrophe because i could not get my wife pregnant.. but now my life is back,my wife and i are now living happily with 3kids and she is also pregnant.. i am so happy.. I was skeptical at first, but what a believer I am now, his spell really worked! he can cast so many other spells and solve many problems so if you are also seeking for any help to get your lover back? call +2348159645271 or email BESTSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM

i married for 2years and i had pregnancy problems and my husband was strongly beside me for some time no matter what his family will say until he change his mind and suspect i was barren. great oshogum save me from the problems i never pray for or even dream off. we live at, Georgia my husband abandon me in pain with my 2months pregnancy immediately i gave him the pregnancy text report and i was confirmed HIV positive. life was so difficult that i have to work to survive and my family did also abandon me because i was warned not to marry Palmer. Then i have to work to earn because i need drugs to also protect my baby. i know Palmer has money and he was living a good life because he had a good job. So i was have to look for help line or read article and visit site on how to stay divorced and get Your man back. i saw so many persons who he help and i read many testimonies of how Dr. oshogum has Heal a man affected by EBOLA, other affected with HIV and how he help to solve marriage problem and bring ex of different persons back. so i contact him with oshogumspelltemple@live.com because i was affected with HIV, i want to give birth safe and get my husband back. And when i contact Dr oshogum through his mail, he replied me and tell me what to do after i send him my details and the two item he ask for to solve my problems. as at when my pregnancy was seven month of my pregnancy i went for another text and i was now negative. Dr oshogum healed and bring my husband back he also heal my husband too and make him love me more. Now we are living in good health and love. we had our first kid same by the help of Oshogum. CASE YOU have marriage, relationship problem or sickness like EBOLA or HIV and any other sickness you contact oshogumspelltemple@live.com. His work is very Good.

All this time I thought it was me. I thought I wasn't enough for him. he can't open up to me. we shared interests like sports. when we did sports together we were awesome. but when we had to deal with an issue he would close down, would never share his feelings. He is a self-proclaimed extremist. everything he does is to the extreme; drinking, sex, training, working; all deterrents to having emotional intimacy.

i want to use this medium to share my experience with a powerful spell caster. My name is Elizabeth Connor from Austin Tx, USA. It all started when my Husband want to divorce me after 6 years of marriage,he wants to abandon me and our 5years old son,prior to this time he has been a loving father and husband,out of the blues he wants to leave me. A friend of mine recommend the help of spell caster,she told me he's the best and it turns out to be true. i decided to give it a try because i'm desperate and it turns out to be effective. after hours after the spell was cast,my husband started behaving well and apologized for wanting to leave me. i'm very grateful to him, i'm sharing my experience because i know a lot of people need this,if you are one of those people you can contact the spell caster via email: nakodako@gmail.com. you will be glad you did.

I believe my fear of intimacy started in childhood with a serious attachment disorder - with my opposite sex parent, my mother. I believe she did love me and wanted to be a great mother, but she had severe anxiety and control issues herself, which led her to dole out love and affection so long as the child was not "misbehaving" (read: as long as she was not made to feel anxiety). Growing up, the children in the house would have to screen their own behavior, desires and activities to make sure it would not trigger the hypersensitive mother.

There were also key childhood female friends who withdrew their friendship, giving me a deep sense that love was given conditionally and that it could be withdrawn at any time or for any reason - and almost cruelly arbitrary.

In any case, I have finally been diagnosed as being a compensatory/vulnerable narcissist, which explains pretty much all of my relationship issues, and also the other mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, OCD & OCPD, and possibly even the cyclothymia.

It would seem a very large chunk of my energy goes into all this thought, rumination, avoidance and control so that I can deal with the extreme anxiety / pain of feeling that intimate relationships ultimately *end* in pain and rejection. Worse, is when you are called on to "perform" to get love, praise or affection (conditional love) and then fail anyways, despite your best efforts.

I am a mess, and where I once went from relationship to relationship (because after the romance/courting state all things dissolved and evaporated), I now avoid romantic relationships completely, and have no desire for casual sex.

Fortunately, the depression has resulted in a complete loss of libido! So, for the first time, one of the side effects of depression is actually a blessing in disguise!! :)

I'm a 22 year old guy and I have social anxiety and in particular a strong fear of intimacy, it's mostly pronounced with women. I'm actually pretty good at making small talk with strangers, chatting shit etc. even using them, but I will not give anyone power to do anything to hurt me. As women are better manipulators in general my ruse does not work as well with them and so I avoid them.

Psychologists have been trying to crack me for 4 years to no avail, the primary manifestation being an eating disorder and the current anxiety/paranoia. The divorce of my parents was hardly traumatic but I'm a bit of a dramatist; nevertheless the fact that to this day I do not know whether my mother cheated on my dad hurts my ability to interact with women. When Dad was going through depression and alcoholism which I effectively counselled him for, my siblings having withdrew, Dad told me she describes her affair in a diary he found shortly before the divorce itself. In the process of 2 years I realised just how whipped Dad was and how controlling and critical Mum could be of his disability (Dyspraxia), the same disability she doted on me and SENCOs for throughout my educations. Dad was reduced to a blubbering wreck in despair, and the courts showed him no mercy; high alimony, Mum held the majority of the equity split on the house, seized custody of us children after we were convinced due to his outbursts that he was crazy.

I attempted to open up to a female friend in 2012, my first close female friend in many years in University and first love; however I pushed too soon for a relationship (LTR). Shortly after the 2013 honeymoon she became attached to another guy c. late 2013, much more of an alpha male to me, the nervous wreck with anxiety disorder and obsessional tendencies recovering from a depressive episode...We broke up due to cultural differences early 2014, which she warned me of from the onset back in 2012, but to this day I don't know whether she cheated, the idea of having been lied to is something which makes any future friendship seem impossible. Worse than this I developed a cuckold fetish and actively revelled in my own self sabotage, frequently reading it late at night in a sleep deprived, procrastinating state, which apparently leaves me hypomanic.

In the past year I found red pill theory and suddenly everything makes sense, I have an offshoot of the Maddona-Whore complex and seek the immature security of my my mother's unconditional love, something I know no adult partner can and will be provide. My worst fears were realised, but worse than this my therapist is still foolishly trying to convince me to trust and socialise with so little certainty. Little does he know I'm not even opening up to him, just diverting him on many tangents and pseudo-intellectual masturbatory rants to ensure the power dynamic remains in my favour, including a defence mechanism I created for myself to avoid addressing the primary issues. It's fun being so in control and yet so lonely but the alternative as a HSP is heart-wrenching. He's not going to break me, they all try but they all fail

Wow. As I've read through the comments they just fill me with sadness. I would never ever stay in a sexless or non intimate relationship or marriage as I just couldn't take it. I'm an intimate & loving creature.
I've been doing a bit of googling about 'men & intimacy' issues after a dating experience with a man whom I strongly suspect is struggling with this. I thought he was (well, still is I guess) a smart interesting man with a lot to offer (I mean that in terms of who is is, nothing more) & we had five wonderful dates which were spread across four months on account of his travel for work & being based in a different city. During the times we didn't see each other we communicated often & discussed very intimate things. The communication didn't lose momentum & I didn't lose interest. We kissed ever more passionately at the end of the last three dates & was very interested in seeing him more regularly. I was very attracted to him & wanted to take things to the next level & embark on a relationship. This is were he basically cut me off without a word & stopped writing, smsing or calling me. It was quite hurtful. I called him in an attempt to discuss things & he was quite negative about the whole prospect of any kind of relationship or even seeing me again. He was involved with a woman who by his version of events didn't treat him well most of the time (controlling, capricious & histrionic sounding behavior) & he got very attached to her two young daughters whom he still visits from time to time when she will allow him. I can understand how this was a difficult situation. He told me he had a nervous breakdown & left her & it was an excruciating decision to leave the children. He also told me that he had an episode that lasted about 18 months where he felt no interest in anything remotely sexual & did not even masturbate. He was quite worried about but assured me he was back to normal. He talked about his former partner & her children a lot which kind of started to annoy & bore me. He has been single for four years now & hasn't had any relationships since then.
During the discussion I mentioned above I basically told him that I didn't think he was in the right space for a potentially serious relationship, which is what I am in the market for (& what he had claimed to be in for too) & that I would have to move on emotionally & see other men as life is short & meeting a man I can share my life with & potentiallly have a child with is a major priority for me now. He seemed to be kind of upset at this, which I couldn't understand. What did he expect me to do after he ignored me for so long & didn't reply to any of my communications & never explained why.
It has been a month now & I'm trying to meet other men, however I am still thinking about him & how much I'd rather be spending time with him. I miss talking with him. I kind of want to tell him this but I also think I should just move on & forget about him. Afterall his treatment of me has not been great. I don't think he was intentionally being hurtful to me. I think there is something else going on. I've aksed the opinion of several important men in my life- my brother, one of my close male friends & my boss who I have a very paternal relationship with (we won't get started on my own daddy issues here) & they have all said different things which have confounded me more.

I'm finding it hard to forget about him as I'm not the type of person who takes affairs of the heart lightly & I don't find myself attract to many men at all so when I am it is quite powerful. Any advice? Should I communicate with him again or just let things slide? Intelligent comments only please.

Trust me, I'm one too. He obviously was attracted to you when he kissed with you that way... and he probably also thought you were relationship material! RELATIONSHIP! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Alarm bells going off everywhere.

He keeps going with the "bad for him" woman because he has a *logical* reason to not commit to her. Who commits to a sub-par person who treats you badly? Men also have a biological urge to remain single because it's more difficult to mate with multiple women when you're spending all your time (and energy and focus and resources) on just one.

The antithesis of this phenomenon is when women have an *emotional* need to change a brute, bad-boy or thug into a good partner.

As for you, I would run from this man and delete the fantasy of you changing him into a emotionally intelligent and emotionally available man. This man is dating bad women for a reason - so that he can rationalize his NEED not to be intimate.

You won't find real love with this man - just shell games and perhaps a little codependency.

Thanks for replying as it jogged my memory about this. I read through my comment & kind of chuckled. That guy was a dick, it was his ex that left him & not the other way around like he claims & I'm not unconvinced his ultimate fantasy is actually to be with his oldest step daughter. He was so 'anti women' & so stingy he never even treated me to one drink or dinner in spite of my flying down to see him. I was punching well below my weight there.
I've since met another man who ticked all of my boxes & then some & is not remotely hung up or bitter about anything. He's hell romantic too. One thing is missing though... that all important chemistry. I'm not sure if it'll develop over time or anything.
I think I've had enough of all this crap anyway. Maybe I'm the one with intimacy issues lol. All I really want from a man is a baby if I'm dead honest with myself. I want the best quality DNA I can find. After that he's done his part & can get lost if he wants. I have a successful career & I don't want or need his money. I've got a fulfilling life & am not interested in playing emotional games with anyone. I'm looking into IUI via a fertility clinic but my doctor told me to just go out & have an affair with a man but not tell him I'm not on birth control! I asked him if that was the right thing to do... commandeer a man's dna & he chuckled & asked me when was the last time a man had done the right thing by me. I also said I didn't want my child to resent me because he/she doesn't have a conventional family. He replied that his mother raised 6 children in the slums of Malaysia on her own & all a child needs is a mother's unconditional love.
I've not made up my mind what to do but the Dr certainly have me some food for thought.

I know I'm done being nice & chasing after losers like the guy I posted about initially.

I've read the article again now, not realizing I have commented on it before.

This article leaves out some very important things, and largely chalks up men's "fear" (or lack of desire for) relationships to the deficits or damage of men. This is really a one sided and almost intellectually dishonest answer to the question. In *addition* to the reasons above, this one should be #1:

Women do not want a long term relationship with the man they MEET they want a long term relationship with their imaginary IDEAL MAN they want to turn their partners into. What they end up doing, is through manipulation (sex, acting like children, etc.) is get the man to be a compliant, soft, obedient, emasculated slug. The trouble with this is a fundamental lack of understanding on the female's part what attracted her to her man in the first place. By getting her man to behave how she wants, she turns her man into someone she can't be sexually attracted to.

Men bought into the notion that women need to be 50% or more in charge of things. Wrong. Women *CAN* be 50% or more in charge of things, but they still want a CONFIDENT MAN and confident men do TWO important things.

1. They say no to people and they have boundaries.
2. They are confident, so they can take the lead

Do women want to be submissive and subvert to the authority of a "head of the household"? No. Nobody is asking to take away the vote from women and put them "back in the kitchen". But the simple fact is that feminism was dead wrong about women being "all about socialization" and completely wiping biological imperatives off the map. If this were true, women on the corporate ladder would not be freezing eggs to start families in their mid forties. Feminism said that women could have it all. Well, feminism lied. You can't change a man into one of your girlfriends and still be sexually attracted to him. A man resisting your constant efforts to change him is the kind of tension that good sex is based on.

A man who has been taught to emasculate himself, be this genderless wimp (because masculinity is now TOXIC lmao) is going to cause Dry Vagina Syndrome.

Men. Grow balls. Be men. Say no to her. If she throws a tantrum, deal with her like a child throwing a tantrum. If she cuts off sex, and acts passive aggressively, respond in kind and cut off something she is partial to. Like money. (Feminists call denying a partner "marital funds" abuse, yet they don't consider using sex as a manipulation tool abuse, unless it's the man doing it.)

Feminists also call farting in an elevator "fart rape" so maybe don't listen to them anymore.

The new system doesn't work. Men were lied to. We gave women what they wanted without considering that women don't KNOW what they want. They are leaving their husbands in droves because they think their brains can over-ride their biology and they're wrong. We need to surrender to our biology and stop fighting it. Trying NOT to be human is the biggest problems humans today have.

Women. We do know what we want and cavemen with clubs isn't it. This is a formula for domestic abuse charges. Yes, dominating and subjacating a woman is not what most women want.
They will go to a real man to get away from you.
We don't want a girlfriend but a capable, secure, handy, motivated, fun and interesting PROTECTOR, who honors us as people. Not brood mares, nanny's, housekeepers or in servitude to you or ELSE.

Read up on "Alpha Fux and Beta Bux". Men are cluing in. The men women want to make babies with are not the men they want (or should I see need) to provide for and help raise the children. The men in the first category don't do so well raising children - but they sure create a lot of them!

Men are wising up - taking the red pill. We were conditioned to LISTEN to women and kowtow to their every whim. Well, women have zero respect for such a man.

I am a psychology student from Finland.
I would just like to add that there are other aspects that are not directly tied to the fear of intimacy necessarily, but do in fact influence in the way in which a person might struggle to form intimate relationships and one such influence is chronic illness or their medication.

So for example I personally suffer from Chron's disease and while I have managed to beat it to a passive state, I have noticed that one of the after symptoms is that I do not really have desires to connect on a greater intimate level with a woman.

It is not that I fear it, or feel anxious, or that I am depressed because I feel like I am more alive than ever but several studies have consistently demonstrated that a chronic illness can also influence our motivations in life.

It is not unheard of that someone with a chronic illness can start feeling more focus on other aspects in life and not so much towards forming intimate relationships with the desired sex.

Indeed, I can certainly speak to that point. I see someone who is cute, but I feel like they deserve someone who can give them what they want. I on the other hand focus on different things in life, like trying to study as hard as possible.

And I wonder, if such development in my own thoughts had any correlation to the shift that growing number of young men also feel like the role of intimate relationships are secondary of importance. Maybe the cause is not the same, and the cause is unknown but I think more research should certainly be done.

Hi there!
I am a psychology student from Finland.
I would just like to add that there are other aspects that are not directly tied to the fear of intimacy necessarily, but do in fact influence in the way in which a person might struggle to form intimate relationships and one such influence is chronic illness or their medication.
So for example I personally suffer from Chron's disease and while I have managed to beat it to a passive state, I have noticed that one of the after symptoms is that I do not really have desires to connect on a greater intimate level with a woman.
It is not that I fear it, or feel anxious, or that I am depressed because I feel like I am more alive than ever but several studies have consistently demonstrated that a chronic illness can also influence our motivations in life.
It is not unheard of that someone with a chronic illness can start feeling more focus on other aspects in life and not so much towards forming intimate relationships with the desired sex.
Indeed, I can certainly speak to that point. I see someone who is cute, but I feel like they deserve someone who can give them what they want. I on the other hand focus on different things in life, like trying to study as hard as possible.
And I wonder, if such development in my own thoughts had any correlation to the shift that growing number of young men also feel like the role of intimate relationships are secondary of importance. Maybe the cause is not the same, and the cause is unknown but I think more research should certainly be done.

So forgot to also write that since my condition is what it is, the nature of the gene is dominant aggressive the survival chance of imaginary off-spring is so slim that it would be outright cruel to have children within my condition, and thus forming intimate relationships either as a result. And I do not feel like I am missing something really. I think I have to be the responsible person and recognize that I carry a dangerous gene within me that I shouldn't pass and inflict onto anyone.

In some sense, I regard myself as a modern day Nikola Tesla or Isaac Newton. A person who focuses on scientific pursuit, although I am not even half the brilliance that these legendary men of their time were.