Is that what you want? What’s your ideal answer? And how can empathy help you get there?

I remember leaving for a trip when my kids were around four and six years old. There was a “typical argument” in the morning before I left, and I ended up shouting at them. Later, with the clarity that comes when you’re 32,000 feet in the air, I thought: “This isn’t the Daddy I want to be. If this plane crashes, I don’t want them to remember me as someone who shouted.”

Reducing Parental Frustration in 90 seconds: Empathy

I wish I could say that I instantly changed and became the Dalai-Lama-of-Daddys… I was not, am not, that good at emotional intelligence. But, I can say that the change began there. From that moment, every time I found myself over-reacting, I heard my airplane-induced-commitment reminding me: This isn’t who you want to be.

Here’s a fun 90-second video about using empathy to be the parents we mean to be:

.

Two Practical Empathy Tools for Parents

One of the most powerful tools that helped me reduce my frustration was, and still is, a version of empathy. When I’m agitated about my child, I remind myself: My kid is probably agitated about me. When I’m enraged with one of them (and they seem to take turns pushing those buttons), I remind myself: S/he is probably enraged with me. When I feel sad or disconnected, I consider: Maybe my child is feeling much the same.

Another tool is somewhat the opposite. I ask myself: Is this really about me? Often when they’re having big feelings, my impulse is to take it personally. He’s defying me. She’s shutting me down. Then, with a bit of empathy, I can reflect: What if it has nothing to do with me? What if they’re expressing this feeling here, in my direction, because it’s safe to do so… but it’s not really about me?

I find this a curious paradox – empathy requires a recognition of reciprocity, on the one hand, and, on the other, separation. Interdependence and independence, both at the same time. That’s a powerful way to view ourselves as parents.

Joshua is one of the world’s preeminent experts on developing emotional intelligence to create positive change. With warmth and authenticity, he translates leading-edge science into practical, applicable terms that improve the quality of relationships to unlock enduring success. Joshua leads the world’s largest network of emotional intelligence practitioners and researchers.

4 Comments

jean gould
on January 2, 2016 at 1:24 pm

Homework is a source of great stress for my children, and this article is elegant in its simplicity. The insights here bring into alignment all parties whose best interests are the child but are often somehow too often pitched at odds. I can’t wait to practice this with my own children – tonight!

My son is almost 5 and I recognize the same thoughts and feelings when we have disagreements about eating and going to bed. My own work on my EQ has made me realise I often react based on a pattern that is very often not relevant. Currently I ask myself : what kind of parent do I want to be ? My new response has been to explain the options to my son, talk through some consequences and them give him some space to respond. If I need space to respond instead of react should I not give my son the same space. The great thing is that my son generally makes great decisions on his own. My trust in him has grown so much.

I too used to experience the angst caused by homework battles. I had difficulty understanding how or why my well-intentioned attempts to guide and assist my child with homework could result in anger, helplessness and dysfunction. I began noticing what my triggers to his inefficiency were (what was I doing/how was I reacting to his inability to complete the work efficiently and how was I responding to his “way of approaching homework”).

I had to pull back, ask myself why I felt my way was the right way and begin to set new boundaries for myself to keep from imposing my study habits and approach to homework on him. I had to work very hard to let him develop his own methods and habits. Allowing him to experiment with different methods and learn from the different consequences that resulted from his style.

I had to realize and understand that his homework was HIS and not mine. Things improved little by little. He has grown immensely through this process, as have I; and, he has developed self-sufficient and successful study habits.

Six Seconds is a community of changemakers contributing to a world of insight, connection, and purpose.

We think the world would be a better place if a billion people were practicing the skills of emotional intelligence (EQ). So, we research and share scientific, global, transformational tools & methods to support that goal.

Stay Connected with Six Seconds' EQ Newsletters

Get the latest news, occasional special invites, and other great EQ insights free by email -- you can leave any of our lists any time, no spam, and no hassle. Just fill in this form:

By submitting this form I consent that I’d like to receive email about EQ from Six Seconds (and can opt-out anytime) and to the terms of Six Seconds’ Privacy Policy including, if I’m outside the US, transferring my data internationally, and that Six Seconds will not sell or share my data.

The Practicing EQ eBook offers beautiful, simple techniques for making emotional intelligence a bigger part of your daily life.

The 20-page eBook includes important tidbits of neuroscience each followed by a tool or exercise to apply the insight to our daily lives. The techniques are organized according to the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence.

We'd love to have you share the eBook by inviting your friends and colleagues to visit this page: 6sec.org/practice

Just fill in this form and we'll email you the book instantly (nearly!)