The Federal Jail in Miami Is Basically a Topless Bar Without the Bottle Service

Successfully smuggling little bags of pot (and pot seeds) into jail is difficult enough. How do you smuggle in a whole lady? Especially a stripper-lady, who might look conspicuous in her Lucite goldfish shoes, neon spandex underpants, and bare-boobs ensemble?

You dress the stripper up in business casual, call her your "legal assistant," and haul her in that way. According to the Miami New Times, lawyers who visit the Federal Detention Center in Miami say this is going on all the time now—particularly among the lawyers hired by "wealthy drug lords" imprisoned at the jail. The lawyers' "paralegals," who are secretly strippers (and secretly naked under their fake business costumes), bring the inmates Playboy, cash, drinks, and—most importantly—their bodies:

"They take off their tops and let the guys touch them," veteran defense attorney Hugo Rodriguez says. "The majority of these young, very attractive women are noncitizens brought in exclusively for the purposes of visiting the FDC. Any lawyer can sign a form and designate a legal assistant. There is no way of verifying it. The process is being abused."

One inmate was allegedly caught sexing up a paralegal in a discovery room; another was seen receiving a strip show. Jail reps wouldn't go on the record to confirm either incident, but some speculate that it's because they're surreptitiously building out the jail with velour seating, bars, stages, and other standard gentlemen's club features, and giving it a new strip-club name (they're still deciding between Climax or Shadowdancers). The warden just didn't want to spoil the "Grand Reopening" surprise.

According to a 2010 report, for-real women lawyers who visit clients at the jail are required to wear bras. And not just any bras, but ones that don't set off metal detectors. Seems like some kind of double standard going on there.