The Top 10 Games That Might Make You Inadvertently Whack Your Friends in the Nuts

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Hey, watch where you're swinging that thing!

By Craig Harris

For 30 years, game controllers have been a rather harmless lot. About the only real injury you could expect out of stock videogame devices was a strategically placed finger blister after a day-long gaming marathon. Beyond that they've been pretty safe handheld devices, with the exception of possibly the Atari joystick that could theoretically cause one hell of a nasty stabwound if left precariously positioned on a dark-colored sofa.

With the introduction of the Wii, we now have the potential for much more bodily harm in videogames. These wireless, untethered, motion-sensitive devices almost encourage violent behavior, with game designers actually trying to get gamers to flail their arms as wildly as possible in a variety of different ways. There's nothing more painful than a fist in the crotch, at least in the male persuasion, and there are plenty of games out there with the potential for a well-placed controller in the junk if you're not careful. And even though Nintendo reinforced its controller with a sponge shell to protect ones television from an airborne device, it does nothing to cushion the blow when the device is thrust into someone's crotch at 80 miles per hour.

Perhaps the following games should include a specific warning for guy gamers. Or maybe an athletic cup.

It's almost poetic that the game that comes with the system is also one of the biggest crotch slammers available. There are six games within Wii Sports, and each one seems to give the controller the inherent ability of targeting a member's jewels as if it was a built-in feature. Overhead shots in tennis equals a fist to the junk. A bowler's backswing: a fist to the junk. An uppercut in boxing? You guessed it: a fist to the junk. It's like Nintendo was using this game as training to get players to strengthen their nutsack in preparation for future Wii games.

We're sure that in "real" professional wrestling those grappling goons manage to sneak in a few jabs between the legs, either intentional or not, and wouldn't you know it: the Wii version of THQ's wrestling series seems to simulate this quite well with its motion control. The biggest culprit: the ability to add a little taunting flair with "suck it!" motions. This move pretty much tells your opponent, "I want you to nail me as hard as you can…right here," and your friend might oblige you in your request. If you don't accidentally slam the controllers against your tender bits doing this, that is.

You always need to take a cautious stance with any Wii game that encourages players to make a throwing motion, especially in a game like Boom Blox that actually rewards players with a massively strong forward thrust. The problem with the throwing motion isn't just the potential for your controller to careen towards your 2000 dollar plasma set at a glass-shattering pace, it's also the fact that your hand will continue to travel in its natural arc backwards…and if your buddy's sneaking up on you with a fresh batch of Pizza Bites, he's going to get your fist slammed right into his own private Hot Pocket from your fast pitch.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour Golf 09 All-Play

This one's obvious. In every other America's Funniest Home Videos episode we've all seen some guy send a three wood straight between the legs of a buddy checking up on his swing. No brainer here: full swing on the remote equals remote between the thighs of your little brother standing just a smidge too close to you on the tee. Of course, when a game actually encourages players to grab each others' balls in a specific game mode (and no, we're not making that up), it's not hard to imagine that this'll bleed into real life somehow, somewhere.

Perhaps it was a good thing that Nintendo actually tethered the Wii Nunchuk to the Wii remote with a physical cable, preventing a full outstretch of the arms via the short slack. This becomes painfully clear If you manage to play SEGA's music rhythm game using a pair of Wii Remotes instead of the Nunchuk combination. It's not uncommon to find yourself lost in the music, shaking those Wii Remotes up high, down low, and then with outstretched arms slam your fist into your buddy's maracas…and we're not talking about his musical instruments, either. Though his beads will certainly rattle for weeks afterwards.

The euphemistic title alone should tell you that your tender area's in for a wonderful treat. Another game that's heavy on the backswing, and it's also a game that's extremely popular in bars. Booze and Wii Remote throwing doesn't mix, guys, so unless you really want to see your best friend keeled over after one of your Bag shots, you might want to ease up on the Irish Car Bombs before jumping into this Wii Ware title.

There are ten (duh) games within Deca Sports, but the biggest nut-hurting culprit in this compilation has to be the excellent rendition of Curling, the sport of choice of the Great White North. First, you must shove the remote like a sword to send the boulder sliding, which requires a quick thrust backwards with the elbow. That's the first owie. Then, after the boulder's slid down the playfield, you need to sweep away the ice with a butter-churning in and out motion, which, again, sends that elbow backwards for a potential multi-hit combo, much like a boxer's speedbag. Your buddy will need plenty of ice for that.

You're just asking for trouble when you've got a game that encourages a Wii swinging motion that accurately mimics a kicking motion for the punt: a swooping scoop down then up. And if your buddy is anywhere near the business end of that Wii Remote "foot," there's really only one place for it to go. And he'll be slurring like Madden until the next Monday Night Football game.

Quite possibly developed under the working title of "Crotch Punching Mini-Game Collection," Wario Ware: Smooth Moves has about five dozen instances of Wii Motions that'll send the remote careening towards your's or your buddy's junk. It's almost if the developers were given strict instructions to hurt gamers' goodies with as much variety as possible, and without explicitly displaying the carnage on the television.

Yes, energetic conductors will swing that Wii Remote baton a little too close for comfort, but that's really not the biggest hazard in playing Wii Music. No, you'll simply find yourself doubled over from agony after being punched in the nuts from any self-respecting gamer within earshot of your so-called music playing. And there's nothing inadvertent about that.