Class with the Countess: What’s Inside*

You guys, I bought Class with the Countess like six weeks ago and I just CANNOT. It is so effing wordy that I am actually scared of it. LOOK. Look at this chapter list!

I want to learn about literally none of this. except maybe slipping away or checking to see if you seatmate is dead.

Now, I love my some new Lu, but the OG Countess was insufferable af. I mean, she still looks basically the same, with the same hairdo and insane necklace, but our Countess has changed. BOY has she changed.

when you party naked. and are cool. not all uncool. image source: giphy.com

Now, I would (and let’s be honest here, probably will, homegirl needs a check and her pure garbage clothing line ain’t gonna cut it) read one hundred books written by the new Lu. Tips for blacking out on (non-existent) Tipsy Girl prosecco with Sonja Morgan? Yes, please! How to have your voice constantly sound like you just smoked one thousand Marlboro reds after drinking bargain basement whiskey for nineteen hours straight? Sign me up! But, having to read a book with lessons such as “Eating Faux Pas” and “Napkin Finesse” makes me want to stick my head in a toilet forever. Or spend twenty minutes with Ramona Singer.

not gonna argue with you there, sister. image source: babycenter.com (really? is there like a place for gifs on the shitshow that is the babycenter.com forums? where people post shit like ‘my baby has been bleeding out of the head for four days, should I call my doctor?’ wait, actually that makes total sense)

So I have decided that a little Lu goes a LONG LONG way and to break up this bunch of nonsense into small, ladylike bites that even OG Lu would approve of. It’s the only way we are ever going to get through this book alive.

my bravery knows no bounds. image source: giphy.com

Deep breath, my friends… deep breath.

PART ONE: WHAT’S INSIDE

After an introduction so boring and self righteous that I only read approximately 7% of it, we jump right into our Class with OG LuAnn. Right away, she reminds us that money cannot, in fact, buy you class. LuAnn even says that her father, who came from humble beginnings, is just as fucking fancy as her pansy ass husband, the Count (I am writing what I image LuAnn would write now, after Alex cheated on her and took away her enviable life).

chic c’est la vie, whore. image source: meangirlsgifs.tumblr.com

LuAnn became a model and traveled around Europe and had no trouble fitting in because she was born with the classy gene, just like her man-voice and penchant for one-night stands. Then she was in some sort of pageant which honestly sounds like a front for sex-trafficking, but alas, our girl Lu was crowned LADY UNIVERSE and got in with the elite European crowd. After being the Italian Vanna White on some Italian show (I mean, wut), LuAnn had really made it.

who do you have to eff to get a vowel around here? image source: usweekly.com and my amazing photoshop skills

Basically, LuAnn suggests paying attention to elegant people and doing what they do and omg this is so dumb. Also you should be really pretty so you can go to Europe to model and then be Lady Universe because it’s much easier to get access to the best drugs I mean parties when you are a model. The end.

oh you haven’t boned a bunch of Eurotrash? well, you could, I guess, like read a Fodor’s or something. image source: bbook.com

Next up, we will find out about What’s Outside. I mean, we already basically know- a brown bob, a HUGE necklace and a IDGAF attitude. And booze. So much booze.