Introducing an even more abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT! Now with whips and chains!

Fifty Shades of Shit

Haters, please exit stage left.

I'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought I might genuinely like it before I started, but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck. Whatever it was that brought on this knee jerk purchase seems to have mercifully left me with enough common sense to say I will not be continuing on with this series.

Recently I discovered one of my favorite publishers, Random House, has picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and made this statement:

"An orig­i­nal work, and said to us that James had war­ranted the books were, indeed orig­i­nal. Mes­sitte added she was “aware of the nar­ra­tive that [50 SHADES] started as dif­fer­ently titled piece of fic­tion, but that they were and are two dis­tinctly sep­a­rate pieces of work."

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call bull shit on that. Fifty Shades of Grey and Master of the Universe (the original fan fic) are essentially the same thing. The biggest difference being Edward and Bella's name being replaced with Christian and Anastasia respectively. And I would know this because I have both and while I was reading, I would occasionally switch back and forth between the two without difficulty. I'd go through and give you examples myself, but other people have done it already here and here. So if you must read this book, do yourself a solid and find the fan fic online. You even get the second book too!

I know some people claim this has no similarities to Twilight and got dammit, I'm allergic to all the bull shit. Do I really need to point this all out? Because it looks pretty obvious to me. The mannerisms of the characters are exactly the same. They even say similar things the original characters say. The whole "dazzle" line and Edward asking Bella to trust him. Her mother being remarried with the same inability to maneuver her way around a kitchen. Bella is still trying to save Edward from himself due to his troubled past. Edward still stalks and controls Bella, only now he gets to hit her when she gets out of line.

*facepalm* Shall I beat them both? Yes?

I struggled to come up with a proper review for this book and couldn't figure out why I was feeling rather uninspired to write one. And then I figured it out. I was left so disgusted by this book that I wanted to purge the memory of its existence from my mind. With a rusty nail. Every time I thought of the book my brain cells would go on strike, yelling obscenities at me. Anyway, I thought Bella and Edward's relationship couldn't get anymore fucked up than Twilight. I stand corrected. If I were to describe FSoG in one sentence it would be this: Fifty Shades of Grey is like Twilight on steroids, high on ecstasy, in a dirty little corner. A very dirty corner. With badly written sex. Lots.

Fifty Shades of Grey tells the story of the beautiful (but of course she doesn't know it), naive virgin, Anastasia Steal after she is suckered into interviewing the Greek god, Christian Grey. Of course, sparks fly and for some unknown reason he can't seem to stay away from this incredibly, unremarkable girl. Ana discovers Christian is into BDSM and desires her as his submissive fuck buddy.

There are a myriad of problems with this novel, many of which ironically can be found in Twilight. Never saw that one coming! Christian/Edward is still a controlling bastard, only now he hides behind his BDSM practices to camouflage his abusive tendencies. However, Ana doesn't see it that way. She thinks of him as a broken person and it's her duty to fix him. Even when he says things like this:

"I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything you couldn't take."

Can you believe she let's him beat her after that? And please don't even bother to tell me that it's just BDSM. No, just fucking no. Ana is genuinely afraid of Christian and is never entirely comfortable with the "punishment" aspect of their relationship. But Christian just manipulates her with sex to continue the relationship. And that's what really gets me. I just have a hard time believing a virgin would somehow become a sex goddess overnight, because that is exactly what happens. When she first is introduced to his kinky lifestyle and tells him she is a virgin he immediately tells her he needs to handle that "situation" before they could continue. What?! Since when is your virginity a "situation?" But, that's not really the kicker. Oh, no, because that is when we are introduced to Ana's two best friends. Everyone say hi to:

Anna's inner goddess, who always cheers her on when Christian wants sex or wants to punish her. She's also quite annoying, doing back flips at the mention of anything sexual related. Simmer down. Where did she come from exactly? Ana is in her twenties and has never felt the urge to have sex with anyone until Christian comes along with his whips and chains?!

And... Ana's sub-conscious, who hides behind couches when it comes time for her beating. When it comes to Ana having sex with Christian, well, her sub-conscious only has one thing to say,

So after the "situation" is handled, Ana has to sign a "contract" agreeing to his sexual demands and also outlining things she won't do. It was pretty pointless considering he still got what he wanted and she never signed the damn thing. He exploits her, stalks her and abuses her! She cries after sex. She is afraid of him being angry! Even when he is angry at something else, she thinks it's her. Her reasoning for allowing him to hit her as his therapy is because she's afraid to lose him. That is not a reason for agreeing to a BDSM lifestyle! In fact, that's not even really "consent!" These quotes just scream domestic abuse to me:

Yeah, he's a real catch, that one. Barf. No, excuse me. That's not right. The barfing came when the little ass-wipe PULLED HER TAMPON OUT AND RAMMED HIMSELF INSIDE OF HER. OMFG. Yes, the caps were totally necessary because that was the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune of reading. That is not sexy, that's foul.

Whenever Ana thinks about leaving him, he comes over to her apartment unannounced pounds into her (literally) and her inner goddess does a fucking happy dance, forgetting her urge to kick his sick ass to the curb. They fight, they breakup. They kiss, they sex up.

The writing is a shitty mess too. I mean, if I had to sit and read Ana saying "Holy, shit!" or "Holy, Fuck!" or "Oh, my!" one more time, I was going to lose it. I wanted to take my red pen and have at this "book" so badly. It was the little things like Ana's roommate saying over and over, "You never cry Ana," and what do we find Ana always doing? Crying. I'm not sure where the hell the plot was. *smacks forehead* How silly of me! Didn't I mention this was a Twilight retelling? Why was I expecting a plot? And another example of poor writing: for these characters to be American, they sounded very British to me. They used phrases that Americans don't use.

And now I'm trying to figure out why this book is so popular. Why do so many women love this book? I get the appeal of the bondage even though it's not my usual cup of tea. Whips? Chains? Sounds exciting!

I don't get why this book is so popular! From what you and others have said it sounds terrible. I was contemplating reading it to see what all the fuss was about and maybe to laugh at how bad it is but I don't think it's worth it.

In other news, I hate to say it but I think I've read a worse tampon sex scene then that - in Praise by Andrew McGahan - it scarred me for life.

rameau wrote: "Alicia, I so want to know who else was in the bidding war. I suspect my reading list may lighten substantially in the future when I start to pay diligent attention to the publishers."

Ugh, I'm scared. I already have to deal with St. Martin's and their Brady Bunch novels. I can't take much more.

Stephanie wrote: "She wrote the fan fic to mimic the characters and that's exactly what it does!"

That's why I think the people saying it's nothing like it are comprised of two types of people: 1)those that really don't understand what fan fiction is and how the writing process differs, and 2) apologists who wish it was okay.

Loved your review, Stephanie! Not a book I want to read, I've read so many things about this lately it's making me sad. Yes, it's making me sad because there are authors out there who are working really hard at making up their own characters in their own world... then THIS kind of thing happens, it feels like a total rip-off.

Alicia wrote: "I hate when people say Twilight has a chaste message. I feel like they read an entirely different book than I did. Edward's concern for their ~virtue was brought up after he couldn't convince her t..."

Completely and totally agreed. Twilight is like porn light for teens, sending them horribly twisted messages about sex, marriage, dating and pretty much everything else.

If I were to describe FSoG in one sentence it would be this: Fifty Shades of Grey is like Twilight on steroids, high on ecstasy, in a dirty little corner. A very dirty corner. With badly written sex. Lots.

You wrote it! Painful remembering? Like swallowing vomit, right? I'm so grateful to you for keeping me away from these pits.

My favorite part, aka, The Perfect Sum: "Every time I thought of the book my brain cells would go on strike, yelling obscenities at me. Anyway, I thought Bella and Edward's relationship couldn't get anymore fucked up than Twilight. I stand corrected."

Stuff like this doesn't just sell, it has major buzz and all that goes with it. Couple that with 'horribly twisted messages about sex, marriage, dating and pretty much everything else', your apt description of any such book. Now throw in the political/hate-radio atrocities toward women that we discussed earlier.

Yeesh. My sense of history is sending me very bad vibrations about all this. The big picture that I see is truly cause for alarm. As my wife said yesterday about the political outrage, the clock is being turned back to some of the worst abuses of centuries past.

I am all for fun and fantasy in their many forms, innocent or not-so, if they work for all those involved. But your review and others are all about something completely different - a downward spiral into a very dark and dangerous place, from which there may be no turning back. And the idea of authors selling a LOT of tickets to watch is, ummm, pathetic.

@Alicia, they don't care or they were distracted by the tampon scene. Ugh.

@Lisa, the only other book I gave one star to was Starcrossed. I called it the worst book I've ever read, but Fifty Shits could easily be called the same. If you click the "No Stars For You!" shelf, you'll see it.

Oh. MY. GOD. (My snarky Inner Goddess squeaks!) Let me just say a big old thank you for this review. I, too, cannot fathom why this piece of drivel is getting so much attention. And, bless you for taking the time to so eloquently point out that it is, indeed, Fifty Shades Of Shit. I couldn't devote even that much time to my review of it. Bless you!

Zanahoria (Taly) wrote: "That link... I can barely believe it. Please tell me it's the same author that just decided to change the names and publish it.Still, Twilight fanfiction *grimace*"

It is, indeed. All she did was CHANGE THE NAMES and a few phrases throughout. I read a comparison article that shows that the 'published' work is 89% the same as the fan fiction piece. Thank goodness for whoever PDF'd the fic before it was pulled.

Jim wrote: "Stephanie wrote: "@Jim, I don't know how these things just keep getting published, but I have to remember its because people LIKE it so much. And that's the really disturbing part. People like it."..."

I can't fathom it. Seriously. Even when it was still pre-yanked fanfic, I couldn't understand how or why so many people were drawn to it.

Well done. I recently saw a little pull out on the Today Show or Maybe GM America I cant remember. But, it featured this book a woman who loved the book and a psychiatrist. This book is just a horrible representation of relationships, and of women. No woman should ever put up with that. I could never read that book and like it...

Molly wrote: "I can't fathom it. Seriously. Even when it was still pre-yanked fanfic, I couldn't understand how or why so many people were drawn to it. "

Agreed! And this may not be a good analogy, but a fish that grabs a tempting morsel may not notice that it is bait... Or that it comes with a hook, line and sinker.

I haven't read or had any interest in the book, and I certainly wouldn't doubt the sincerity of those who love it. Read what you like, by all means, and say what you think about it!

But here is my problem. One thing leads to another, and the 'things' feed on each other. If readers will pay for and enjoy stories about women being degraded, well, there is plenty more where that came from. If the cash register rings, the authors will sing.

Jim wrote: "But here is my problem. One thing leads to another, and the 'things' feed on each other. If readers will pay for and enjoy stories about women being degraded, well, there is plenty more where that came from. If the cash register rings, the authors will sing."

Jim wrote: "Molly wrote: "I can't fathom it. Seriously. Even when it was still pre-yanked fanfic, I couldn't understand how or why so many people were drawn to it. "

Agreed! And this may not be a good analogy..."

EXACTLY! And the author has actually said that she doesn't give a shit about anything other than the ... Wait for it... MONEY! That's what makes me the angriest about this. She's a money-grubbing piece of *fill in the blank* and it makes me wretch.

Just like Bella does with Edward, Ana accepts Christian's faults and all. I lost it in Freed when Christian wants to beat the shit out of Ana because she dared to go out for drinks with Kate.

At least Edward would never, ever hurt Bella and told her to run far away as she could from him. Christian would tie Ana up and use her as his sex slave if she left him. And if she did leave him, he would shoot her then himself.

Cassi aka Snow White wrote: "What bothers me most is that women are writing most of the books that degrade women. How do they feel okay about that?"

It's the WTFckery factor. Why do you think bodice rippers were so popular in the 70's and 80's? The hero would rape the heroine over and over until she fell in love with him and changed him for good with her Mary Sue virginal soul. Bah.

I believe reviews like this saved me from not reading this book. Lmao I got recommended this book for my trip to Hawaii. So close to reading it. Now I feel like tossing it in the ocean while I'm in Hawaii. But probably shouldn't seeing as it's on my kobo :p thanks for the enlightening review.

Cassi aka Snow White wrote: "What bothers me most is that women are writing most of the books that degrade women. How do they feel okay about that?"

This is a really important point, Cassi. Please see below.

Molly wrote: "EXACTLY! And the author has actually said that she doesn't give a shit about anything other than the ... Wait for it... MONEY! That's what makes me the angriest about this. She's a money-grubbing piece of *fill in the blank* and it makes me wretch."

I didn't know that, Molly.. But it makes me wretch too.

To Cassi's point: I think if you look closely at interviews of some of these authors, you will find statements about how they are okay about it.

I will speculate - these are pure guesses:1) I wanted to bring attention to how women are manipulated.2) I wanted to show how manipulated women can fight back.3) I wanted to express my sincere sympathy for all those women who are manipulated like (my character).4) I set up a charity for women who are degraded, and 'a percentage' of the revenues (or my royalties) from the book are going to this charity.

And presto, change-o, it is all okay! Maybe even better than okay! Maybe it is even GREAT of me to have done this! Now if I could just get rid of those haters...

Rachel wrote: "Cassi aka Snow White wrote: "What bothers me most is that women are writing most of the books that degrade women. How do they feel okay about that?"

Seriously. It makes no sense to me at all."

I don't either. We spend years trying to get equality and then we go and write fantasies about being stalked, beat, raped, manipulated, and everything in between. How can we ever expect change if those kinds of fantasies are on the forefront?

Stephanie wrote: "We spend years trying to get equality and then we go and write fantasies about being stalked, beat, raped, manipulated, and everything in between. How can we ever expect change if those kinds of fantasies are on the forefront?"

@Jim, and yet you see none of that mentioned in the synopsis or blub for the book. Because that's not what it's about, not until someone speaks up about the abusive nature of the relationship and the author is forced to come up with an ass-grab explanation. Those books are about true wuv. *eyeroll*

Stephanie wrote: "@Jim, and yet you see none of that mentioned in the synopsis or blur for the book. Because that's not what it's about, not until someone speaks up about the abusive nature of the relationship and the author is forced to come up with an ass-grab explanation. Those books are about true wuv. *eyeroll*"

Awesome points, Stephanie! And again I did not know that about the synopsis/blurb. That is even more pathetic than I thought!

Stephanie wrote: "We spend years trying to get equality and then we go and write fantasies about being stalked, beat, raped, manipulated, and everything in between. How can we ever expect change if those kinds of fantasies are on the forefront?"

I think it's important to remember that fantasies are exactly that. Fantasies.

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