Selfish DH

DH is not a bad guy, just really has his priorities screwed up. He comes from the old school way of thinking, that a man should be a provider and you can measure a man my how well his yard is kept. He does the odd diaper and loves to cuddle our LO, but I'm the main caregiver 99% of the time. I'm on maternity leave btw. Anyway, he has a super-stressful job that makes his free time at home limited. He is a grocery store manager which is very demanding, works weekends, etc. His free time is limited, and I know that so I rarely ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do. My main issue is his strange sense of priorities. He thinks it's more important to stay home and hang up Xmas lights than come with me and our son to my best friend's daughter's first birthday party. Add that to him wanting to go on a Caribbean weeklong vacation with his two best friends, instead of trying to figure out a vacation with me and the LO, and I just lost it on him this morning. I asked him when he was going to get on board with me, and do family things together instead of this incessant need to keep the house up. Why do I have to fight him on everything when it comes to this...I went through the same thing when I had to fight him to come with me to prenatal class. So he says "well i guess I'm just not a good husband or father now!" and I said I thought it was selfish of him to want to leave us for a week and that yeah, I don't think that's a good father...and that he should just stay home and hang effing Christmas lights instead of be with his family. I mean, our little guy is 11 weeks old...and this is my bff's party, why does he give me such a hard time when I cave to everything he wants...which i usually don't mind doing, but what the eff does he think marriage is, a dictatorship?Whew. That was a rant. Sorry for the length. I welcome your opinions but also would love to hear from anyone going through the same thing...

DH is not a bad guy, just really has his priorities screwed up. He comes from the old school way of thinking, that a man should be a provider and you can measure a man my how well his yard is kept. He does the odd diaper and loves to cuddle our LO, but I'm the main caregiver 99% of the time. I'm on maternity leave btw. Anyway, he has a super-stressful job that makes his free time at home limited. He is a grocery store manager which is very demanding, works weekends, etc. His free time is limited, and I know that so I rarely ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do. My main issue is his strange sense of priorities. He thinks it's more important to stay home and hang up Xmas lights than come with me and our son to my best friend's daughter's first birthday party. Add that to him wanting to go on a Caribbean weeklong vacation with his two best friends, instead of trying to figure out a vacation with me and the LO, and I just lost it on him this morning. I asked him when he was going to get on board with me, and do family things together instead of this incessant need to keep the house up. Why do I have to fight him on everything when it comes to this...I went through the same thing when I had to fight him to come with me to prenatal class. So he says "well i guess I'm just not a good husband or father now!" and I said I thought it was selfish of him to want to leave us for a week and that yeah, I don't think that's a good father...and that he should just stay home and hang effing Christmas lights instead of be with his family. I mean, our little guy is 11 weeks old...and this is my bff's party, why does he give me such a hard time when I cave to everything he wants...which i usually don't mind doing, but what the eff does he think marriage is, a dictatorship?Whew. That was a rant. Sorry for the length. I welcome your opinions but also would love to hear from anyone going through the same thing...

Well, for the first part I see it as more normal for him to not want to go to YOUR bff's child's birthday party. I can't see that as family time, either. My hubby wouldn't be expected to go to a kid's birthday party if he didn't want to. Would he be the only guy there besides the dad? Maybe he doesn't like him much. You'll probably be absorbed with your friend, her kid and your kid, so I really can't see that as justifiable family time. Also, he may consider putting up the lights and such as an important contribution to his son's childhood. Some people are like that. I don't think that's selfish. However, the trip with his buddies instead of the family--that I do see as somewhat selfish. Why shouldn't he use vacation time with family first. Maybe suggest a family trip before the guy trip, and definitely demand equal amounts of girl time out (like a spa trip). It actually IS okay, and GOOD, for you each to get adult time away from the baby, but it should be equal. He shouldn't be the only one your job is also stressful, not to mention 24/7.

Well, for the first part I see it as more normal for him to not want to go to YOUR bff's child's birthday party. I can't see that as family time, either. My hubby wouldn't be expected to go to a kid's birthday party if he didn't want to. Would he be the only guy there besides the dad? Maybe he doesn't like him much. You'll probably be absorbed with your friend, her kid and your kid, so I really can't see that as justifiable family time. Also, he may consider putting up the lights and such as an important contribution to his son's childhood. Some people are like that. I don't think that's selfish. However, the trip with his buddies instead of the family--that I do see as somewhat selfish. Why shouldn't he use vacation time with family first. Maybe suggest a family trip before the guy trip, and definitely demand equal amounts of girl time out (like a spa trip). It actually IS okay, and GOOD, for you each to get adult time away from the baby, but it should be equal. He shouldn't be the only one your job is also stressful, not to mention 24/7.

Hmm...didn't think of it that way. And you're totally right, he really dislikes my bff's husband and by association my BFF. He wouldn't be the only dad there but he wouldn't know anyone either. But after my meanness this morning who knows what will happen. His work is stressful and now his home life is stressful too, he says. As for the vacation, he'd been waffling on it for a while but I think even at age forty he has some serious growing up to do! At what point is getting drunk with your friends for a week not considered ok!?

Hmm...didn't think of it that way. And you're totally right, he really dislikes my bff's husband and by association my BFF. He wouldn't be the only dad there but he wouldn't know anyone either. But after my meanness this morning who knows what will happen. His work is stressful and now his home life is stressful too, he says. As for the vacation, he'd been waffling on it for a while but I think even at age forty he has some serious growing up to do! At what point is getting drunk with your friends for a week not considered ok!?

I don't think he's really being that selfish. My DH is about the sane way with our house. he has installed new lights, a doorbell, locks, winterizing the house, etc.. And I get sooo annoyed with him. "Why can't you just SIT here with me and spend time together", that sort of thing. I'm beginning to think that's his way of "preparing" and making sure his family is taken care of.

I don't think he's really being that selfish. My DH is about the sane way with our house. he has installed new lights, a doorbell, locks, winterizing the house, etc.. And I get sooo annoyed with him. "Why can't you just SIT here with me and spend time together", that sort of thing. I'm beginning to think that's his way of "preparing" and making sure his family is taken care of.

Yeah I don't think I would have even invited my DH to the bday party. DH and I are both 40 and have found it's kinda nice to do out own thing. We are in USA and He had been to Alaska twice on 10 day fishing trips. I went to Italy with my sister for 12 days and NYC with girlfriends etc. But, we still do things together. Caribbean And Mexico and other vacations. Then we do the family vacations also. It's about finding balance. Also, I believe he is showing his love to his family in HiS way. Get the book "the 5 love languages". Might help you both understand the other person.

Yeah I don't think I would have even invited my DH to the bday party. DH and I are both 40 and have found it's kinda nice to do out own thing. We are in USA and He had been to Alaska twice on 10 day fishing trips. I went to Italy with my sister for 12 days and NYC with girlfriends etc. But, we still do things together. Caribbean And Mexico and other vacations. Then we do the family vacations also. It's about finding balance. Also, I believe he is showing his love to his family in HiS way. Get the book "the 5 love languages". Might help you both understand the other person.

I guess, but did your DH go away when your LO was under 6 mos.? I just get resentful because this is such a precious time and I seem to be experiencing the bulk of it alone. We are 40 as well, well past our "party hearty" days but DH associates drinking with friends to the point of getting ****faced as the best time ever. He is STARTING to see that being hungover the next day isn't worth it. And with a baby? Brutal! So yeah, he wants a week to do it on a beach with his two best friends. And it wouldn't be so bad if the little guy was older. I don't know, I go back and forth.

I guess, but did your DH go away when your LO was under 6 mos.? I just get resentful because this is such a precious time and I seem to be experiencing the bulk of it alone. We are 40 as well, well past our "party hearty" days but DH associates drinking with friends to the point of getting ****faced as the best time ever. He is STARTING to see that being hungover the next day isn't worth it. And with a baby? Brutal! So yeah, he wants a week to do it on a beach with his two best friends. And it wouldn't be so bad if the little guy was older. I don't know, I go back and forth.

Just apologize for not thinking about how he'd feel at the party and let it rest. As for the vacation/drinking time--you're probably stuck with that. My uncles (really great-uncles) are approaching their 70's and still do fishing weekends with liberal amounts of beer. If it's bothering you so much, encourage him to suggest that spouses and kid's come along too. I bet the other wives would love it. Do you know them? Maybe you ladies could plan a simultaneous trip that happens to mirror theirs! ;-)

Just apologize for not thinking about how he'd feel at the party and let it rest. As for the vacation/drinking time--you're probably stuck with that. My uncles (really great-uncles) are approaching their 70's and still do fishing weekends with liberal amounts of beer. If it's bothering you so much, encourage him to suggest that spouses and kid's come along too. I bet the other wives would love it. Do you know them? Maybe you ladies could plan a simultaneous trip that happens to mirror theirs! ;-)

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