Pandemonium as shops run out of shitty “Gift idea” box sets

A spokesman for the Association of High Street Retailers has apologised after manufacturing difficulties and unforeseen shipping issues meant that the last ill thought out shitty gift idea box set, that no-one would ever buy with sound mind and nobody would ever want to receive, was sold after a scuffle at Debenhams in Shitterton early this afternoon.

“We know we should have worked harder to fulfill demand. But in our heart of hearts we can’t truly believe that people will actually buy this shit off us.”

The proud owner of the last available gift idea, Tracey Garlic, told us that she was too excited to even look at what she had actually bought until she had got it safely home.

“It was a box containing tomato ketchup, brown sauce and salad cream in tiny bottles, priced at £19.99 and entitled ‘A selection of sauces from around the world’. I was aiming for the Jack Daniels glasses and set of cards box set but some sod misdirected me and took it from under my nose. It’s OK though because I’ve already bought the two steak knives on a tiny chopping board set, the ‘everything you need to cook noodles’ box set which contains noodles and some flavouring, and the ‘my first bricklaying set’ which contains some sand, water, cement powder and a brick. I only have one aunt left to buy for. It’s a shame but I suppose I’ll have to put some thought into her present. I think she likes cats. I’ll get her a cat.”

Chairman of the National Association of Half Arsed Panic Buyers, Bert Onions told us “We have a long history of running in and out of the same shops with an increasing air of desperation and filling our baskets with absolute nonsense. Now people will be left with no choice but to purchase or make something that the recipient will use or at least remember. Then they’ll expect that every year. Which is why I have no choice but to fake my own kidnapping.”