So many panels, so many receptions, so many opportunities to get filthy drunk. It's hard to know where to begin.

Well, you've come to right place.

The Phoenix is expert in both geekery and debauchery. And after slogging through the entire program — and sampling quite a few beers (research) — we're proud to present our crack guide to the memes and madness of Netroots Nation 2012 in Providence.

BOLDFACED NAMES

Netroots Nation is not the starfucker's dream it once was.

Past conferences have attracted BARACK OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, and her RANDY HUSBAND, BILL. But this year, the White House aspirants are skipping the proceedings. And the conference's original headliner, KEITH OLBERMANN, has pulled out to undergo some minor surgery (swollen head, we understand).

There are still plenty of big shots to behold, though. On Thursday evening, New York Attorney General ERIC SCHNEIDERMAN, dubbed "The Man the Banks Fear Most" by American Prospect magazine, will headline the opening keynote session.

Massachusetts US Senate candidate ELIZABETH WARREN is the big name at a Friday lunch panel titled "2012 and the War on (and for) Women." And New York Times columnist PAUL KRUGMAN will anchor an economics discussion on Saturday morning and — merch alert! — sign books afterward.

The Nation can also catch lefty dreamboat VAN JONES, he of the "green collar" jobs, AI-JEN POO, director of the National Domestic Workers Alliance and one of Time's 2012 100 most influential people, and environmentalist BILL MCKIBBEN, who shamed the Obama administration into delaying construction of the Keystone XL pipeline.

There will also be plenty of national pols in attendance — Democratic senators SHERROD BROWN from Ohio and JEFF MERKLEY from Oregon among them. And the entire Rhode Island congressional delegation will be on hand, too.

NETROOTS V. OCCUPY

If the netroots is the rabble-rousing wing of the student government, Occupiers are the punk-rock anarchists smoking in the parking lot.

Both cliques hate the jocks, but there's still some natural tension between them.

The names of a couple of Occupy-themed panels at Netroots Nation, "Collaboration, Not Co-Option: Labor, Community Organizations, and Occupy Wall Street Working Together" and "That Will Never Work: What Progressives Can Learn from OWS," suggest there's still some hope on the left that the cool kids in Occupy — or at least the secrets of their stand-offish appeal — can be absorbed into the broader progressive project.

But it won't be easy.

Max Berger, the progressive-turned-Occupy Wall Street activist leading the "That Will Never Work" panel, says the movement may be able to pass on some tactical lessons to non-profit types. But he sees the discussion at Netroots, first and foremost, as an opportunity to radicalize conference-goers.

Our political institutions, Berger argues, are simply incapable of addressing the current challenges. And a larger, people-powered assault on the system is required. "We need to take action," he says, "at the scale of the problem."

Stink bomb in the principal's office!

IT'S THE WOMEN, STUPID

Consider this little nugget from the Pew Internet and American Life Project: 54 percent of women Internet users visit a social-networking site on a typical day compared to 42 percent of men.

It is but one measure of a reality the private sector — from clothiers to car dealerships — recognized a long time ago: women power the Web.

Putting the 'Arrrr' in DRM Forget Talk Like a Pirate Day. In the 2012 elections, November 6 will be Vote Like a Pirate Day — if you happened to have joined a growing number of hackers and Internet activists and registered as a member of the Massachusetts Pirate Party (MAPP).

Game Change? The bills, designed to choke off online piracy of movies, music, and pharmaceuticals, seemed greased for passage.

How does Doherty measure up? After Massachusetts Republican Scott Brown pulled off his stunning victory in the January 2010 special election to fill Senator Ted Kennedy's seat, every political reporter and strategist in New England was eager to anoint the next truck-driving, populist star of the GOP.

Warren for Senate When voters go to the polls on November 6 to choose between incumbent Republican Scott Brown and Democrat Elizabeth Warren, they will be doing more than casting a ballot for one of Massachusetts's two US senators.

The Dr. Phil Years The pundits and politicos have had a tough time analyzing Elizabeth Warren as a candidate in the coming race for US Senate with Republican incumbent Scott Brown.

Great Scott After months without new polling on the high-profile Massachusetts Senate race, four firms took the pulse of the race in February — all finding incumbent Republican Scott Brown ahead of presumed Democratic nominee Elizabeth Warren.

10 years later, we told you so Like many in the alternative press, we pride ourselves on being ahead of the game. Sometimes, of course, that means we're wrong about what might be coming down the pike — that's part of the risk of being "out front" and not just reacting to the news as it happens.

11 Big Ideas for Rhode Island Rhode Island has problems. We all know it. Unemployment, political corruption, the Providence College basketball team.

LIBERAL WARRIOR | April 10, 2013 When it comes to his signature issues — climate change, campaign finance reform, tax fairness — Whitehouse makes little secret of his approach: marshal the facts, hammer the Republicans, and embarrass them into action.

AT BROWN, A WIN FOR CLIMATE CHANGE ACTIVISTS | April 11, 2013 A key Brown University oversight committee has voted to recommend the school divest from coal, delivering a significant victory to student climate change activists.

HACKING POLITICS: A GUIDE | April 03, 2013 Last year, the Internet briefly upended everything we know about American politics.

BREAK ON THROUGH | March 28, 2013 When I spoke with Treasurer Gina Raimondo this week, I opened with the obligatory question about whether she'll run for governor. "I'm seriously considering it," she said. "But I think as you know — we've talked about it before — I have little kids: a six-year-old, an eight-year-old. I'm a mother. It's a big deal."

THE LIBERAL CASE FOR GUNS | March 27, 2013 The school massacre in Newtown, Connecticut spurred hope not just for sensible gun regulation, but for a more nuanced discussion of America's gun culture. Neither wish has been realized.