Monday, May 3, 2010

You know what a lot of celebs do when they're trapped in the closet? Drugs. And lots of 'em.A young Toothy Tilehad to do line after line just to get through sex with a chick (you know, in an attempt to prove to himself he was straight) and now we're hearing another young homolicious babe is going through similar motions.Anyone remember cutie Jackie Bouffant?Jackie, the über-yum young-ish star who has a red-hot career (and bod, just FYI), seems to be dabbling in the hard stuff. But it's not coke.While out on the town recently Jackie the stud was rolling—and we don't mean in some pimped-out caddy. He was superhigh on ecstasy.J.B. was hitting a celeb-infested soiree filled with cameras, paparazzi and reporters, so natch that meant his beard was in tow for the photo ops.And how did Bouffant get through the evening? By popping a few of those teeny colored pills in his mouth so his adorable smile wouldn't fade throughout the event.Totally sad. Or not?Thing is, Jackie really does enjoy his gal-pal (they've known each other for a while), but he hardly wants to rip off her stylish clothes off. And yes, Jackie's PR candy is most certainly aware of both of her man's habits—the drugs and dudes. But Missus Bouffant doesn't mind all that much. Jackie certainly is the bigger name out of the pretty pair, so she won't be letting her golden ticket to the tabloids go anywhere.Ironic, though, how Jack's audience might be more shocked about the whole ecstasy thing than gay thing, which may not stay hidden for too much longer since J.B.'s pals can't stop blabbing about his way fun rolling ways around town.Wonder which secret will come out—pun intended—first?

And it ain't: Jensen Ackles, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake

The link to the previous Jackie Bouffant from August '09 is here including a full list of who has been eliminated. And here is the most recent JB BV from December 2010.

You know, a standard idea in these blinds is that a gay person would have such trouble standing in front of cameras with a woman that he would have to take drugs to get through it. I'm sorry, that's stupid. An actor could easily take anyone's hand and smile into a camera. These blinds confuse "being gay" with "being a psychotic who has an intense contempt for women," and the two categories are separate.

Barton Fink -The person who writes the Awful Truth is Ted Casablanca who is gay himself FYI. If you have a problem you can address that to him.

Anyway, I am still on the Zac Efron train for this one. All of the hints from the last one pinted to him and still do for this. He seems to say the same things about Vanessa Hudgens in his column as he does "Missus Bouffant" in this one.

I would like to point out that Ted said that Zac Efron was NOT a BV as of 8/27/09, but that he would be soon, the day before the first Jackie Bouffant BV. Then when asked in January 2010 he answered yes that he was a BV and that it was recent. Be my guest to look at the blind vices that occurred during that time frame that he was not eliminated for. This one fits for him.

Parrish Maguire: This is the only other possibility for Efron other than Jackie. Efron was the second-most-popular guess for Parrish after Taylor Lautner. Efron hasn't been AIAed for Parrish. However, Efron doesn't fit the "repeater on a TV show" clue that Ted offered for Parrish, while Lautner does. Not a solid He Isn't, but not the favorite candidate.

So, Efron has to be one of two BV identities, either Jackie Bouffant or Parrish Maguire, and the preponderance of evidence points toward Jackie.

This has to be someone with a wholesome image and some kind of tween-oriented fan base. It is not Twilight, and HSM/Disney fits perfectly. That would be why it would be more shocking that he was drugging than gay.

Well, I think this could be Hayden Christensen. The AIA names all end in "en" sounds as his does, he's Canadian like Bieber. Also, the first blind indicated to me, that JB was somewhat older than Efron.

Lainey said this today about Hayden "He’s that same Efron/Pattinson androgen quality about him, and I guess it’s no accident that he was 8 years ago what they are now.

Time always mutes intensity but for those of who are too young or who can’t remember, for a while there he was the biggest deal ever. Handpicked by George Lucas. The young embodiment of one of the most iconic characters in film history. It never seemed like he was comfortable with all the It."

I see your argument for HC, but I can't hop on the train just yet. I don't see tweens putting his poster up on their wall. Is he somewhat iconic? Sure, for Star Wars. But the fan base on that movie is not akin to anything remotely close to a pre/teenage girl. The only thing I can say is that I see he has been on the Disney channel just prior to landing Star Wars, which is something Ted identified as part of his resume in a BB from last year.

In addition, Ted says that a Jonas (forget which) is close but not right. Zac is much closer to a Jonas than Hayden Christensen. If it were HC, how would he be considered multi-talented? Does he sing or dance? Those are both things that we know Zefron does. Just asking!

Barton Fink: In the blind, Ted says "A young Toothy Tile had to do line after line just to get through sex with a chick (you know, in an attempt to prove to himself he was straight)." He did not say he had to do drugs to get through walking the red carpet/public outing with a chick. Toothy was having sex with chicks when he was dating Kiki, who was never a beard. He was trying to prove to himself he was straight or bi, and she knew something was up and caught wind of his liking for boys eventually. So stop bitching, please. Thanks.

"Dear Ted:You mentioned that Jackie Bouffant has a beard you referred to as Missus Bouffant. As such, I'm assuming that these two have actually walked down the aisle. Thanks for clarifying. Take care!—Cats

"Dear Ted:You talk about Vanessa being possessive of Zac. Why does he stay? Also, if it seems like everyone is talking about Nicole Kidman's weird forehead, why isn't she doing something about that mask-y face? Also giving you a shout-out from my kitty, Bella!—B

Dear Why Why Why:Well Zac and Vanessa are totally in love, haven't you heard? Also, they look mucho cute together and get a lot of press, so that doesn't hurt, does it? As for Nic and her frozen forehead, she thinks it looks fabulous! It's like rock-hard youth."

"Dear Ted:Sadly, no pets here...too many allergies. Sad face. But...as a guilty fan of Zefron and Vanessa, have the two ever been a BV? She had all that nudity stuff...we're talking some real BVs.—Christy

I'm kind of new to this BV thing, but I thought I'd try to give my two cents. I think Zac is really plausible but I'm not sure it's him because:

1. When answering the question about Disney, Ted said something to the effect of, it's not the obvious choice/answer? Zac would definitely be the "obvious answer."

2. On a past bitch-back, Ted said JB's beard had nothing really going for career wise or something to that effect. Vanessa has two movies coming out... doesn't exactly fit.

3. The fauxmancing other babeS around town. Allegedly, Zac and Vanessa have been dating since HSM 1 was filmed, during said time, Zac was still somewhat anonymous. It possible that they made up the "dating since the first movie" thing as a cover up, but it seems unlikely as they would have had to have EVERYONE involved lie for them as well (Kenny, costars, execs, etc.)

4. HSM1 was shot when Zac was 17. Gay semi-serious relationship at that age seems odd... quite possible but doesn't strike me as true. Also, didn't he date that girl from Summerland? The one who played Amber? So if she counted as BabeS, then that means his gay semi-serious relationship would have to have been before 16? Seems a little young/early. Based on this, I think JB is someone older. Possibly 27 and up or something? Ted calls JB "young-ish" and Zac at 22=young, in my opinon.

5. Finally, Frank Dangerfield... equally recognizeable and gorgeous... I don't think Jesse McCartney because Jesse was more famous than Zac.. Corbin Bleu could be possible but I find it a stretch. Corbin's attractive but I wouldn't go as far as equally attractive. Bubba Lewis, Zac's longtime friend?? But he was never really famous or recognizable.

I think Ted wants us to think it's Zac because it causes more controversy and interest, and he fits the bill extremely well... but there are some things that don't match up completely for me.

Has anyone looked in to Justin Bartha? His name goes along with the other elminations, is dating Ashley Olseon, has the same initials as Jackie Bouffant, etc. He doesn't exactly fit either, but the same intials are intriguing.

I mean Justin is good looking, has rising fame from national treasure (which was disney). Not sure about the multitalented... maybe that he is an action star and a comedy star? Hasn't really had to prove himself, got more popular from the Hangover... he does lack the big teenage girl fanbase though. But hasn't Ted been known to exaggerate? That's what I read somewhere else...

love your logic, and totally agree. also, if Zac and Vanessa were in fact faking it, or covering something, then why do we see them behaving like any other "normal couple." this can be traced all the way back to HSM1, and there are numerous candids of them together to back this up. they kept the relationship under the radar, and continued to try and deny they were a couple even after pics of them vacationing in hawaii in 2007 surfaced.

a fake relationship would mean plenty of "couple time" in front of the camera, hitting every red carpet and soiree possible. instead we hear more about them doing ordinary, everyday things, ie, hanging out with friends, running errands together, shopping together, going to the movies together, vacationing together, and visiting with each other's families.....together, get where i'm going with this? LOL

that "proves" more to me than any innuendo thrown about by bloggers who seem to wish he were gay.

"Dear Ted:Did you see Zac Efron's reaction when the Kiss Cam on MTV Movie Award zoomed in on him and Nessa? He was so reluctant to kiss her. His own girlfriend! The other couples who got the Kiss Cam didn't seem to have the same problem (even Russell Brand and Jonah Hill!). Nessa puckered her lips waiting for Zac to kiss her back, but he was just "bumping" his lips against her. It was not even a peck. What do you think about this?—Alice

Dear Friggin' Uncomfortable:What are you talking about, Alice? Didn't you see the passion! The desire! OK, totally agree the moment was holy-crap awkward, which might be one of the reasons Zac was so quick to clam up. No one wants to be first on the Kiss Cam, everyone knows that."

If you look above, I figured out through logic that Efron's BV had to be either Jackie Bouffant or Parrish Maguire. Ted's statement that Vanessa has never been a BV has clinched it for Jackie. If Efron were Parrish, then Hudgens would have had to have been Priscilla Desert, and, obviously, she's not. I don't think there's any argument anymore about this one, folks.

"Dear Ted:Has Vanessa Hudgens done something to you? I get she made a big mistake with the pics but I don't get the hate, you insinuate she's a bad girl, yet she doesn't have a Blind Vice. She really doesn't party in public and what she does behind closed doors is her business. I've met her and she was so kind and sweet.—Rob

Dear Luv For Hudgens:No personal vendetta against the gal, I've met her and she's quite sweet, just not the squeaky clean gal she'd like you to believe—not by a long shot. And just because she doesn't have her own Vice doesn't mean she hasn't made a guest cameo in one."

"Dear Ted:I have to wonder. How is Jackie Bouffant able to keep certain feelings of his under-wraps, if he has a beard? Or is he following in Crescent Kumquat's footsteps?—Puckleberryfan

Dear Up For The Challenge:Jackie is an actor, after all. And a good one! But who says he's keeping anything under wraps? His beard knows the game and is plenty willing to play it to get her smiling mug plastered on magazine covers."

for me, it seems a little too good to be true if it is Zac. don't you think Ted could have listed all the things so everyone thinks it is Zac, even though it's not? Ted is pretty smart, and I would think he wouldn't make a vice so obvious, unless he wanted to out them like Lea Michele...

"Dear Ted:So what's the deal with Jackie Bouffant's beard? I get wanting to remain relevant and that magazine covers are few and far between for most actresses, but come on, a girl's gotta eat! Does she have a little something on the side, or is Jackie giving her just enough to keep her happy. Where do beards go when they get "hungry"?—Pix

Dear Cravings:Babe, don't you think a lifetime of fame is worth a little dry spell in a gal's sex life? At least, that's what Jackie's bearding babe believes. But don't worry about her libido—like most beards, her BF doesn't care whether she dabbles with other dudes so long as she keeps it way, way on the DL."

"Dear Ted:I've been having very vivid and real dreams about Jackie Bouffant, or at least who I believe Jackie to be (hot ones too!). What has he been up to lately? Is he still taking ecstasy? I hope he doesn't mess up his career as he seems like a talented and decent guy.—R

Dear X Marks the Spot:Jackie isn't exactly an addict; he just likes to loosen up from time to time. And I guess the dude doesn't think he can do it without going to the X-treme. Don't worry, though, he's not the type to ever mess up his perfect career with a nasty drug scandal. He's far more about the day job these days."

"Dear Ted:Who do you think is the cuter couple, Robsten or Zanessa? Also who do you think will last longer? I'll bet on Zanessa.—Alyson

Dear Watch Your Back:You're about to unearth the fury of a horde of Twi-hards with virtual pitchforks. Better go and hide—and make room for me, since I might, might, be able to be talked into making bets on Zac and Vanessa. Even though Robsten are so much hotter, and hotter for, each other."

"Dear Ted:If you were to reveal every B.V., which one would have people most surprised? Which one would be the most devastating for their career? And which one would have people shrugging their shoulders in indifference?—Bastiaan

Dear Grand Viceroy:Way to put me on the spot there, champ. Your first two questions garner one answer: the closets! Whether it's Crescent Kumquat, Jackie Bouffant, Nevis Divine or even age-old Toothy Tile, it's always the closet cases that shock. But gosh, I wish they would realize their careers wouldn't be devastated, only different—and maybe for the better. It's a new age. Fake à la Ferocity would, without a doubt, suffer the most career damage if her personal activities were known, and if Morgan Mayhem‘s identity were revealed, I think people might actually yawn."

:Dear Ted:In a recent Bitch-Back, you said that Robsten would break up before Zanessa. Could you give us, in your opinion, why you think that is more likely and maybe who or what would break them up? By the way, I haven't adopted an animal, but I did take in a pregnant stray that gave me four fuzzy kittens, and I also feed all the neighborhood stray cats and dogs. That's like having 20 kids to feed!—Jessey

Dear Purr-fect:Kisses to all your kitties, Jess. As for Zanessa, call me crazy, but I could actually see them tying the knot. Can't you?"

"Dear Ted:Is it just me or is Zac Efron suddenly talking a little more about his relationship with Vanessa Hudgens? He's talked about her in almost every interview he's done for the past two weeks. I mean, it's still nothing compared to the vast majority of Hollywood couples, but he seems to be finally acknowledging that Vanessa exists. It seems quite convenient, seeing as he has a new movie coming out. So, is it all for publicity, or is he more in love than ever? And what do you make of Zac's recent trip to a strip club?—C

Dear Head in the St. Clouds:Better question: is it just me or has Zac Efron been looking über-delicious lately? But I guess I'll answer your questions too. That's the way Zanessa work—keep it super low-key until there's a new project to pimp. As for the strip club ordeal, who cares? The dude is definitely of age and no sordid stories came from his little peepshow pit stop, so if he wants to blow his dough on a night of boozing and boobs, I say go for it."

"Dear Ted:I try to understand you, but I can't! You always said, "I believe in Robsten," and now you are saying they'll break up? Do you believe more in Zanessa than Robsten? Seriously? Zanessa seems more PR (sorry all fans) but Robsten? They seem be very private people. Why do you think they'll break up? Please can you explain to us? Everyone is asking why you change your mind.—KS

Dear Calm Down:Two things, love: First, I never said I thought that Robsten would break up (at least imminently). I just said that, between the two couples at this moment in their relayshes, Zanessa seems more plausible in the long run, but who the hell knows? Secondly, I never changed my mind, sorry."

"Dear Ted:You stated that Zanessa seems more plausible than Robsten, and when I read that my heart broke. I was a Robsten believer from the start when people were skeptic and I am pulling for them still today. Please tell me your reasons behind Zanessa being more "plausible" than Robsten.—Faye

Dear A to Z...anessa:Suffice it to say there's moolah at work, not just heart strings."

"Dear Ted:With all due respect, do you expect us to believe that for the last five years Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have signed a contract to pretend to be lovers just so the public wouldn't suspect his sexual orientation? First, they both deserve Oscars, have you seen the way they look at each other when they're alone in candid? Next, he could date a different girl everyday to keep up the ruse. Finally, I for not one second think that Zac Efron is gay, he is way too much of a flirt. He's way too smart to stay with someone because of a contract and your basically calling for being paid to be a beard. Unless you have absolute proof I don't think you should insinuate things that can destroy these young, nice, actors' careers. Thank you.—A Fan

Dear Assuming:These two like each other; I never said otherwise. And I certainly never mentioned a "contract"—how very Tom-and-Nicole conspiracy theory of you! Plus, I don't think little-old me is going to hurt either of their red-hot careers. Well, Zac's anyway."

"Dear Ted:Are Zac Efron and Ashley Tisdale friends anymore? It's been months, and they haven't been seen together. I would love for them to date.—Quina

Dear Zashley?Well, since Zac and Vanessa are still doing what they do best and don't have High School Musical 10 to promote, penciling in Ash isn't high on their list of priorities. But don't think there's bad blood between the former costars either."

"Dear Ted:I've been wondering, what have Jackie Bouffant and his beard been up to lately? Is she ready to set him free and find a real man?—Bonnie

Dear Bouff-Be-Gone:Please, Miss Bouffant will definitely not be the one to end this relaysh. Not in a million, billion years, Bonn. Half the reason this babe is even snapped in pap pictures is because of her arm candy BF."

"Dear Ted:You haven't talked about Jackie Bouffant in a while. I've always wondered, is he faithful to his beard, or does he go out and sow wild oats?—Carter

Dear Stepping Out:He's as faithful to his beard as any closeted Hollywood stud. He makes sure he's never accused of sneaking around with another lady as to make things appear to be all happy on the home front (which of course benefits them both). "

"Dear Ted:I love Zac Efron and I would like to know has he ever been involved in anything that would really ruin his squeaky clean image?—bobbyrider

Dear Get Real:We all have, Zac included.

Dear Ted:I find your column quite sad in a way. All the lies that are going on in Hollywood are ridiculous. Why can't they all accept everyone how they are. Also, I think I know who Jackie Bouffant is, and if it is who I think it is, it breaks my heart. I love him so much. Can you give us any more clues about him.—Lawton

Dear Stop Making Gay Sad:"Break your heart" ‘cause a dude likes the guys? Why is this such a bad thing, so sick of this gay = tragedy mentality!"

10/19"Dear Ted:I was wondering does Jackie Bouffant ever hook up with his beard, and what about her? Does she ever look elsewhere?—Verity

Dear Curious:Sure, Jackie will hook up with her. But he most definitely looks elsewhere—guys and girls in fact!"

"Dear Ted:I insist you dish on three yummy boys who share a lot in common looks-wise. Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and Ian Somerhalder! These boys need to play brothers stat, no? All three are known B.V.ers, so I was wondering if their dirty deeds have any similarities, or are they each in their own respective classes of naughty? Much love to ya, even if you won't spill!—Jen

Dear Pretty in Vices:Sure, they share a lot more in common than just their oh-so-delish looks. Two of ‘em more than the third though. Can you guess which guy is the odd Vice out?"

"Dear Ted:Wanna help a volunteer fanatic overcome the Monday blues? Really? Thanks! Rank the following according to how emotionally close (like BFFs) the following closeted stars are to their respective current beards, from besties to enemies in it for the PR: Toothy Tile, Seymour Plow-Me-More, Harland Fuss and Jackie Bouffant. Sending some hungover kisses your way!—Hannah

Dear Rhetorical:Jackie the closest, by far. Seymour a distant second, and Toothy and Harland? Don't even ask!"

"Dear Ted:Your response to my question yesterday got me thinking: Do Jackie Bouffant and his beard have an open banging policy à la Nevis Divine? In other words, is there a hint of romantic affection between them? Or are they just besties?—Hannah

Dear Not Enough:Open bang sesh is a sometimes go between Jackie and his gal. But I'd say Nevis enjoys his one-on-one time more."

Dear Thin Line:It is tough to distinguish between the two sometimes. Jackie has stepped out on his beard with other girls, but those sloppy makeout sessions seem more for show. I foresee J.B. ending up secretly with a dude à la Toothy Tile, rather than Nevis Divine who will end up with a chick."

Ok, I have to admit, this pains me too, that I love ZEfron. My daughter was and is addicted to the HSM movies. I cannot see ZEfron as JB. His chemistry with Vanessa is hot, hot, hot. Espesh in HSM 3. I don't think he is that great of an actor, so I am not sure how he could pull this off. Plus, if he was stepping out on V, wouldn't the tabs be all over it? Maybe I have watched Charlie St. Cloud too many times, but he acts like a flirt, flirt, flirt. Playing devil's advocate I am not sure about the Sterling Knight connection. I admit there was a weird chemistry between them but Sterling is not z-list...and the poor kid seems like he is in love with Demi Lovato.

Disclaimer

The "exposed" celebrities mentioned in this blog are purely guesses. They are the thoughts and opinions of the authors of this blog in response to reading various gossip columns. Do not take our guesses, or photos posted of our guesses, as fact or as a source of accurate information. We are doing this for entertainment purposes only.

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