Hooray! No rain commentary - and here they come - Old Twinkletoes and my hot contender for the most tedious woman on telly! We’re on our third drinks now and the Chinese supper has yet to appear - we’re famished, the cats are fractious and the hubba has just confided to me that he only likes watching the entrance of the Dippy Duo because he hopes, every single week, that one of them will fall headlong down the stairs. O.O

Moving swiftly on, I note the return of the Sacred Belt - trust me, Tactless-darling - nothing could lift that frock from ‘hideous bi-colour sack’ - not even if you were wearing the Hope Diamond around your neck.

Oh, rats - a Forsyth ‘joke’, possibly first aired at the wedding of Solomon and Sheba - shut up, you old loony and get on, get on, get on - the saarmba and the American Smooth are my very favourite dances!

First out - Jumpin’ Jade and My Original Beloved having a pot at the saarmba! Well, Ian looks dee-li-cious and Jade’s silver spray-painted macramé appears to be fetching enough to males to cause the hubba to hurl a few cats off his lap and go in search of his glasses. Oh, how brave of them - they’re doing what look to be very good samba steps to horrible music - and apart from the music, I liked it and so did Bruno who celebrated by having his first cadenza of the evening.

The Bobblehead Hobbit and Mrs. Ooh La la Johnson
Here he comes, the smug little so-and-so - at least there hasn’t been so much as a glimpse of his mother yet. Very decent frock for Ooh, although I think the addition of the pink net added an unwelcome hint of commonness - is this American Smooth music? Not to my taste, it isn’t - and it seems a bit sloooooow - and he’s boring - and the judges are pleased. Good for them! Next!

Tuffers and the Kanadian Kat
Gorgeous samba frock and shirt - the colour is divine. I wasn’t struck on the music, but I like old Tuffers and I was enjoying watching him throwing himself around, so I felt a bit annoyed when I thought I heard a bit of hissing and low, menacing ‘wooo-wing’ from the audience. Just as I turned to the hubba to comment on this, the true source of the hostile noises was revealed when the junior cat rose like a killer whale from behind the sofa and began to fight with the Moggle who was perched, innocently, on her cushion - the resulting fracas to catch the perpetrator and hurl him into the outer darkness of the hall, augmented by the delivery-bloke from the Chinese banging on the front-door, caused me to miss the judges' marks and comments! I don’t suppose they had anything nice to say, did they?

Zoë and the Ex-Werewolf
She looks lovely, beautiful gown apart from that silly tassel thing on the front, not struck on the music at all - never mind - it looked a very nice dance to me, but strangely soulless. It’s taken weeks to sink into my brain that while she’s a lovely person and tries really hard, she isn’t a bit like Tanya Tucker - I suppose I’m slightly disappointed. Well, the judges liked it and I found myself earnestly hoping she wouldn’t be in the bottom two again - not enough to vote though - nobody has attracted my reckless spend of 50p so far this series!

The Perplexed Pixie and Fast Flavs
I’m back at my post and turning up the telly to drown out the sounds of the hubba trying to dish up the dinners while shouting at cats who clearly think they’ve waited long enough and want their share - now. I miss all of the training footage as I hear the hall door open and bang shut three times - good - he’s thrown them all out apart from the Moggle and she doesn’t care for foreign food - we look set to have an incident-free supper for once.
So - back to the Pixie who appears to be wearing a Vulcan Star Trek dress-uniform and his usual terrified expression - having seen the ’dance’, I’m not surprised he looked terrified, although he seems to be alone in believing that he did it quite well. Could someone not *give* him a ticket for Blackpool and save us all the pain of seeing him flap limply around again?

Ricky Goldfish and My Former Favourite
I’ve discovered two things during the training footage - it’s very hard to take notes and eat at the same time - and - it’s no good chewing up your slice of lemon and rattling the ice in your empty glass to attract the attention of a ravenously-hungry husband. Despairing, I get up myself and stagger to the kitchen, exaggerating the limp caused by my wonky knee - he doesn’t look up from his dinner, the cad!
Anyway, lovely gown, lousy music, dull and slow dance - the judges said that he has to do better in hold, I think he looked even worse out of hold - it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I know sod all about ballroom dancing.

Feathers McGraw and Tina Sparkle
The saarmba, to lousy music. Ms Sparkle appears to be wearing a bizarre version of New Zealand national dress, or has come as a demented, psychedelic parrot - definitely a ‘quick - pass me my sunglasses’ moment.
I’m sure it was very good, but I’m just not struck on either of them - not that Feathers would care a jot about my opinion - he loves himself dearly - and so does Craig love him - and Alesha - and Bruno too! Ho hum! No chance of the Curse of Aida falling on him, then!

Natalie and Vinthent
Lovely gown and make-up, excellent music - very sweet dance with (at last) a bit of ‘Hollywood glitz’ - I do wish Vinthent had bitten the bullet and at leatht tried one lift - there mutht be one or two moveth where the lady jumps rather than ith lifted? If he’d done that the hubba’s guns would have been spiked and he couldn’t have trotted out that tired old cliché about the Italian lack of heroism, then laughed like the proverbial drain!

Skippy Wood(en) and Brenda(n)
Oh, I’ve so been waiting for this - I’m prudently poised with my Ventolin inhaler, cap off, in my hand - and they’re off, and within seconds I’m shooting the good old Salbutamol into my lungs and screaming with helpless laughter as the hubba, restored to good temper by food, commentates on their hapless saarmba as if it were a horse race! Maybe the maniacal audience were as moved by mirth as me, although after Brendan won (by a short head), they all screamed so loudly I wondered whether armed robbers had entered the building.
The hubba set me off laughing again during the judges’ comments when someone told her kindly that she just needs to do one dance right, and he called out, “Try the hokey-cokey, dear!”

Princess Ali and Prince Charming USA
Talk about from the ridiculous to the sublime! Gorgeous dress, she looked beautiful and so did my darling Brian - appropriate music which set the tone and ‘feel’ of the dance instantly - fab-u-lous dance - I loved it, really loved it - so much so that I very nearly voted! They won’t need me - not this week - not after Skippy, the Pixie - and - I suspect the worst is yet to come …

Laila and The Berk
Dear Gods - Laila is this week’s Wardrobe Victim - that’s one of the most frightful frocks I’ve ever seen on Strictly, and goodness knows it’s had some competition in the past. O.O
Hmmm - I wonder who chose the music ‘He’s the greatest dancer’? Any guesses? I don’t know an awful lot about dance, but I know what I don’t like - and I didn’t like this at all. Correct me if I’m wrong, but was it actually a saarmba or was it Anton’s special ‘pantomime’ version?
I feel sorry for the lass and believe she would have made much more progress with a better teacher and dancer , but she has proved a catalyst in exposing what Bren and others on the Cool Blue have been telling me for years - that Anton’s very far from being ‘the greatest dancer’. This time around, he can’t blame the age and physical fitness of his partner, the buck is resting firmly with him.

Ooops - got a bit serious there, amici - sorry!

Oh, it’s the professionals’ demo - Oh no - it’s the bliddy jive - and the BBC have obviously speeded up the footage so that I can’t get a proper glimpse of My Beloved Matthew - curse you, you rotters!

Who’s this woman in the see-through ’jamas and why is she dancing with Matteo, the waiter from ’Benidorm’? Oh right, they’re champions of everything, are they - they look like a pair of clockwork toys to me! Next!

I had to make an unscheduled visit to the loo and missed Harry Wotsit Jr, which is always a blessing - but was back in time for the dance-off - I don’t believe it - surely nobody in their right mind would keep Skippy over Jade?

Hooray - they didn’t - goodbye, Skips - if I never see you ‘dance’ again, it’ll be too soon!

And as we fade out, Pop Forsyth gives us a chilling indication that his dementia and dodderiness is increasing by announcing that the Bee Gees will be on the show next week - as if - they’re all dead, aren’t they? Not that that stopped Andy Williams!

Edited by Aida - 25 Oct 2009 at 00:18

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

Natalie and Vinthent Lovely gown and make-up, excellent music - very sweet dance with (at last) a bit of ‘Hollywood glitz’ - I do wish Vinthent had bitten the bullet and at leatht tried one lift - there mutht be one or two moveth where the lady jumps rather than ith lifted?

Surely there is????

Laila and The Berk I feel sorry for the lass and believe she would have made much more progress with a better teacher and dancer , but she has proved a catalyst in exposing what Bren and others on the Cool Blue have been telling me for years - that Anton’s very far from being ‘the greatest dancer’. This time around, he can’t blame the age and physical fitness of his partner, the buck is resting firmly with him.

Agree totally with this!! I'm embarrassed for him, luckily he seems to be thick-skinned!!

Loose Lips, Sink Ships !! or as they say in Jamaice, 'Mouth open, Story fly out!'

I think Aida should write Bruce's jokes! Amd while she is at it, she could certainly improve on the simpering and predictable cliches that come out of the mouth of Tess. Unlike lots of others on here, I actually think Tess looks gorgeous and I often like her frocks. Its just when she opens her mouth that I start to go into a catatonic state. But back to the superb Aida, the show really could do with some of your wit and wisdom. And can I be your agent?

Aida, I may just give up watching the show and simply enjoy your run-down - the psychedelic parrot comment just caused me to wake Miss Tippex from her slumbers thinking, no doubt, the house had caught fire. And as for the Skippy and the sarmba... genius

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