Positively Dope

On one hand, it’s all a little depressing. I mean, isn’t cheating at your hobby like embezzling Monopoly money? On the other hand, it’s kind of exciting, because now, just like the pros, we have strangers interested in our urine.

I’m against doping in recreational cycling, but I also believe that the rules set forth by WADA and the IOC and USAC and ABBA and all the rest shouldn’t necessarily apply to us recreational cyclists. Most of us can’t ride like Bradley Wiggins. Why should we be tested like him?

Therefore, I’m proud to launch an alternative to WADA that will enforce anti-doping rules for the recreational cycling set. It’s called FRED, or the Foundation to Reprimand Egregious Dopers. Basically, the goal is the same—to keep drugs out of our sport—but the guidelines will be more amenable to the typical recreational cyclist’s lifestyle. Here are the details of my program—er, plan.

Exemptions If pro cyclists have a medical problem, they can get a therapeutic-use exemption, or TUE, from WADA that allows them to take a banned substance. Remember how back in the ’90s about 99 percent of the peloton suffered from asthma? Well, those riders didn’t really. They just said they did so they could take those sweet asthma drugs. If they really had asthma they wouldn’t have been able to ride past the sunflowers in all those Graham Watson photos without wheezing like crazy. Like WADA, FRED will also grant therapeutic-use exemptions, but our criteria will be much more accommodating.

For one thing, we recognize that you lead a stressful life. You have a career. And children. And a mortgage. You ride a bike to unwind—and you do other things to unwind, too. That’s why the substances you inhale in the privacy of your home while watching Judd Apatow movies and gorging on Ho Hos after the kids have gone to bed are nobody’s business but your own. FRED may be against doping in recreational cycling, but it’s not worried about recreational dope.

Then there’s the ban WADA has been considering on Viagra. Hey, I’m not saying you need it, but just so you know, FRED is fine with Viagra, as long as you can prove that you used it only for the other kind of performance enhancement. Acceptable proof includes a ­smiling partner or spouse, a spring in your step, or blushing and sheepish grinning during questioning.

Testing at Events While FRED may be a bit more loosey-goosey than WADA, that doesn’t mean we don’t take cheating seriously, which is why we will be in charge of doping controls at all events frequented by recreational cyclists, including but not limited to: office-park crits, Tuesday-night training races, group rides, Cat 6 commuter races, charity rides, and alleycats. FRED will also be the first organization to administer doping controls at bike-polo tournaments, where we will test for equine drugs.

Out-Of-Competition Tests Of course, as we all know by now, it’s easy to pass a drug test when you’re expecting it, which is why FRED will also conduct out-of-competition testing. The standard Anywhere, Anytime package includes our basic “Surprise—now pee in this cup!” service. However, if you select the Gold Package (an annual $1,000 upcharge) you can choose from one of two options.

Option 1 (Unobtrusive): Don’t want testers barging in during a business meeting? Prefer not to take a family vacation to Disney World only to find a guy waiting for you with a clipboard at the entrance to Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride? FRED will notify you by text a day early and arrange to meet you at the highway rest area or in the dark alley of your choice.

Option 2 (Obtrusive): Let’s face it, as far as the public is concerned, only elite athletes get tested for drugs. So why not show off? Select this option and FRED will show up unexpectedly at carefully orchestrated times. Looking to wow the in-laws? Want to show those golfers at work how much cooler and more time-consuming your hobby is? Simply launch the FRED, Test Me Now! app on your phone, and we’ll be there in 30 minutes or less—or the test is free!

Penalties So FRED caught you doping at the Friendly Fondo. What happens now? Well, we punish you—but not with suspensions. That works only with people who get paid to ride. We, on the other hand, pay to ride, so when we get suspended we actually save money. No, FRED believes in good, old-fashioned corporal punishment, and here’s the schedule of penalties. First offense: Ride 100 miles. Second offense: Ride 100 miles in jeans. Third offense: Run 100 miles while shouldering your bike. Fourth offense: Watch a live production of the classic movie Breaking Away starring the NBC Sports Tour de France commentary team. (Five words: Phil Liggett as Dave Stohler.)

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