The Bloggess takes on Cosmo. Everyone loses.

by The Bloggess

Sometimes when I can’t think of a good topic to write about for my sex column I just turn to Cosmo, the holy grail of sex talk. I choose a headline at random and I try to write the article based on my personal knowledge without peeking at the answers.

“EASY,” I thought to myself. In fact, almost too easy. I suspected it was some sort of trick question but I decided to trust myself and write this damn article with no hints. So here goes:

The Top Things That Freak a Guy Out on the First Date:

1) Clowns.

2) Drowning.

3) Drowning in clowns.

4) Having sex with a drowning clown.

5) Picture this…you’re with a girl you’ve just met and you’re falling into bed and suddenly she turns into a Frankenstein. Or possibly something that looks like Cthulhu pops out of her vagina and she screams “SWEET HELL BUISCUITS, I AM THE GODDESS OF SATAN’S TOMB” and then she bites your junk off with her monster vagina. Granted, it’s rare, but it’s still pretty damn scary.

6) Having sex with that three-boobed girl from Total Recall and then realizing that the third boob is some sort of contagious growth and then suddenly you grow an enormous third testicle that’s so big you have to carry it around in a wheelbarrow.

7) Farting during sex. And having that fart catch fire. And having the fire spread to your pubic hair. And having to run out of the room with your junk on fire while yelling for your mom who then stomps out the fire because she never learned that stop-drop-and-roll is the better way to deal with a junk fire.

8) Being murdered while giving a speech in public.

9) Making out with a hot girl and then finding out it’s actually your brother.

10) Commitment.

PS. I just went back and looked at the things on Cosmo’s list and they don’t even mention clowns or junk fires. WTF, Cosmo? Get it together.