Really. Fascinating. You must be so proud. Admittedly “fruit stand” wasn’t what came to mind when I heard the name. “Pokemon” on the other hand. Still, fruit stand capital, eh? Must be a wild and crazy place up there. Fruit is synomous with par-tay you know. I'm amazed you dragged yourself away from snorting raisins off a hookers chest long enough to call.

Anonymous Tips

Thank you, I now know everything there is to know about your upstairs neighbours. I know that they “don’t seem to know its 2 in the morning”. I know they talk loudly. I know they like to hang out on their balcony. I know they smoke. I know they are making too much noise. I know they are in suite 204.

What I don’t know, ironically, is absolutely anything about you. As you simply hung up without providing me with a name, number, or perhaps most importantly, an address so that I might know where all of these tragic events are taking place. Even if I was so inclined to intervene, I do not even have a rough location of where these obviously heinous crimes are being committed.

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE

Ok, that’s it. After years of wanton suffering at your greasy, simian paws it’s time to lay down some ground rules. Some guidelines for the abuse I endure if I am to continue to enable your stunning lack of fashion sense. But let us start with the first and more fundamental rule: If your name contains more than five of the same letter then you are not allowed to order from me ever again. No, I don’t care if it’s really your legal name. Five is the limit. Three if the letter is “Q”. You can shorten it to a nickname, or you can walk away sad and pantless.

Come now GK, you say. Aren’t you being a bit too harsh? No, I say! I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S. If you have six O’s in your name you need to shorten just as a courtesy to friends and customer service representatives. Who should not have to jam a finger down their throat to pronounce it correctly. It didn’t even need six O’s, there were at least three auxiliary O’s. Someone is adding more O’s just for the hell of having more O’s. I do not know who this person is, but I am not a cruel man. I will offer them amnesty. But only if they turn themselves in immediately and provide us with any information they can that may lead us to finding and stopping the guy handing out the extra Q’s.

He’s the real criminal.

Anonymous Tips 2

Oh! Hello again. I was just pondering what I was going to do with the total absence of information you provided me. It is most fortunate that you have once again called to grumpily complain. I shall be sure to send a gift basket to the squirming rodent lodged up your backside later to show my appreciation.

Now, if I can just get some information fr-oh you say they’re in 206? Not 204? Ok, well, can I just get y-annnd you hung up again.

Ominous

Me: “And is there any time you’d like them to call?”
SC: “Today.”

….I fear I am about to become the bearer of bad news. But the tone in your voice makes me afraid to admit it. I have no wish to die over aluminium siding. I always pictured my death being a tad more glorious or at the very least somewhat more amusing. Really, I’m aiming for a Fark.com headline if at all possible.

How The Internet Works

SC: “Do you have parts fer a Kawasaki 4 wheelers?”
Me: “I think you have the wrong number.”
SC: “I have the wrong number?”
Me: “Yes”
SC: “What is this?”
Me: “This is <domain registrant company>”
SC: “Who?”
Me: “We buy & sell domain names on the internet.”
SC: “This isn’t <url that vaguely sounds like bikes are involved>?”
Me: “We may own that domain, but we don’t have anything to do with bike parts.”
SC: “……uh, wha?”
Me: “We may own the name of the website, and we’re selling it. But we don’t have anything to do with bike parts.”
SC: “But I went to <url> on the computer, n’ it gave me dis number.”

You know, at no point in human history has there ever been anything with such a massive gap between using and understanding as the Internet. The term “user friendly” is a plague upon human evolution and is slowly eroding us as a species. Computers and the Internet do not need to be made easier. It leads to people like this. People who actually think there’s a Nigerian prince somewhere that wants to give them 10 million dollars. If only they would fork over all of their banking information. Which they will happily do. Right after they finish forwarding this amazing email full of adorable animals to every single person they know on Earth that they have an email address for.

The Internet should be hard to access. To ensure only those capable of grasping the wonders and terrors within may reach it.. You should have to solve some sort of riddle or puzzle before it will even connect. Something that involves math or a sundial or something. That will permit you on the Internet for 24 hours before you have to solve another one. If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.

Oh, you laugh. But mark my words. Someday the geek shall inherit the Earth. And these laws will be standard.

You know, along with the message "This domain name is for sale by <company>, please call xxx-xxx-xxxx for inquiries". Which you somehow read and interpreted as "We have bike parts". Despite there being absolutely nothing on the webpage that any way indicates we have or can provide anything related to bikes. Not even a picture of a bike. Just that message.

SC: “Ok….but you don’t sell no 4 wheeler parts?”
Me: “No, we don’t”
SC: “Do you know any place that does?”

……Perhaps we should devise a similar test before you’re allowed to dial a phone too.

Hot Tips

SC: “Hi, my name is Vick."

Sigh. Really, boy. How are you not committed yet?

SC: “I have information stuck in my head, and I don’t know how to get it out.”

Try a fork. It would solve both of our problems.

Hot Tips

“Yes, hi. It’s Vick again. I got cut off.”

Yes, I seem to have mistakenly mashed F4 ( the disconnect key ) with as much force as I could muster and hung up on you. I’m not sure exactly how it happened. But I assure you it was completely by mistake and I beg your humble forgiveness. It won’t happen again. Please, continue.

SC: “As I was s-“

Dammit! I’m sorry, my finger is just so fat and heavy I can’t seem to keep it over my keyboard without dropping it. And it just seems to land on F4 every time. It’s the damnedest thing.

Amazing!

Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “ya.”
Me: “A-“
SC: “It would be a’ cap!”

No, really? A cap you say? Why no one has ever called at this godforsaken hour and ordered a hat before! Next you’ll tell me you want to order pants. Also, congratulations for spending $30 on a hat. But $54.50 on shipping and tax.

Intermediary

Over the course of this excruciatingly long call I have made several observations. Which I would like to share with you, the caller, so that in the future you may make some effort to avoid these pitfalls. Thus making both of our lives easier.

First of all, if you’re going to be the one talking and placing the order please ensure you are also the one actually holding the catalog. Your constant need to consult with someone else in the background regarding the contents of the catalog is magnifying the length of this call in an alarming and completely unnecessary fashion. As is your need to consult with them about every single product number of the order as well as the size and colour of each product.

Really, you have nothing to do with this call whatsoever but for some reason Background Monkey is insisting on communicating through you. Why this is, I do not know. You have the intellect, verbal skills and vocabulary of a wet dish towel. You’re not exactly the first candidate I would choose as my intermediary. This call would go much faster if she spoke to me directly through an actual wet dish towel.

Passtimes

Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “uh, bala da do see TABLE?!”
Me: “….excuse me?”
SC: “Huhuhuh, it’s dirty! Hello!”
Me: “….hi?”
SC: “Can I like to order place?”

You are way too stoned to be making financial decisions right now. Though I find myself alarmed and confused that “Getting high and ordering pants” is what actually qualifies as entertainment up there these days.

( She ended up ordering $800 worth too.... )

Anonymous Tip 3

SC: “Yeah, I’m calling from 106 again at <building>.”

Oh, hello again! Yes, I believe I spoke with you the other day! About the smokers in unit 206, right? Wow, 106 at <building>. You actually gave me information this time! Some, anyway. Not enough, granted. But it’s a start! We’re making progress! Yay!

SC: “206 has a god damn problem. If you people can’t get them under control I will phone the god damn police!!”

O-kay. Right, not helpful information but ok, you haven’t hung up on me yet. So that’s something at least. I’m not sure I appreciate the yelling. But at least you’re still communicating!

Me: “Alright, I’m afraid there isn’t much I can do about them this early but I can-“
SC: “WELL YOU CAN DROP DEAD THEN!! <click>”

Alright then. Though I should perhaps point out that while you did not grace me with a name and number this time, you were kind enough to tell me where you live and in what suite before you screamed at me to drop dead. If you really must insist on abusing employees at the afterhours service perhaps you should do so before you give us enough indentifying information to leave a note for the property owner.

Just a thought.

Stop, Stop! It's Already Dead!

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Uncle. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Perrin. E for Australia. R for Thailand.”

….wha-what? I don’t even….ok, let’s try this again.

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. R for Red.”

...I....the...ok, one more time. I'm ready this time. Go ahead. Lay it on me. I can take it.

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. Way for Kilo.”

Ok, enough. I’m leaving. I don’t know what English did to you or your family, but I cannot in good conscience sit here and watch you do this too it. You sir, are a monster.

annnnnd rest.

Mondestrucken

11-15-2010, 03:33 PM

I was giving a vision test at the DMV last week, and one customer was reading letters we didn't know we had. Finally, we figured out that English was not her first language, and she didn't know the names of the letters. Zed =/= Z, which is what we commonly hear, but Zed = O, as in she thought it was a zero, and Zed is what you call zero.

First vision test I have ever given which lasted 5 minutes, only because I was concerned not about her vision, but about her grasp of reality.

C. Cecil Ivanish

11-15-2010, 04:24 PM

SC: “Keremeos”
Me: “Al-“
SC: “We’re the fruit stand capital of Canada!”Wow. Just... wow. Do they have guided tours there (that people can call you to book)?I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S.Honestly I can't even start figuring how it can... oh, wait.
...
No, I can't.If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.DARN! I'm banned! :DMe: “We own the domain name itself, and we’re selling it. That’s why our number comes up.”
...
SC: “Ok….but you don’t sell no 4 wheeler parts?”
Me: “No, we don’t”
SC: “Do you know any place that does?”...and who doesn't...SC: “206 has a god damn problem. If you people can’t get them under control I will phone the god damn police!!”
Me: “Alright, I’m afraid there isn’t much I can do about them this early but I can-“
SC: “WELL YOU CAN DROP DEAD THEN!! <click>”...that's interesting. He won your favours in eternal, didn't he? You will PERSONALLY go talk to the people in 206, won't you?SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Uncle. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Perrin. E for Australia. R for Thailand.”
.....
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. R for Red.”
.....
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. Way for Kilo.”
.....
Me: “What was that?”
SC: “Way for Halo.”
Me: “....Way?”
SC: “Way. You know, way? For Nicaragua?”
Me: “…I don’t understand sorry?”
SC: “Way way, the letter before Zed.”
Me: “Y?”
SC: “Yes.”And my comment to this is as follows:

Becks

11-15-2010, 06:03 PM

Not a person's name, but I feel that I should mention that the name of the town I was born in is Oconomowoc. :devil:

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Uncle. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Perrin. E for Australia. R for Thailand.”
<snip>
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. R for Red.”
<snip>
SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. Way for Kilo.”

I've had an idea for a while now for a simple way to remove the, shall we say "technologically disadvantaged", from teh interwebs.

Make it illegal for companies to offer tech support for setting up modems/routers. All a customer gets is the equipment and a disc with a PDF manual. If they can't work it out for themselves, they can't get online.

"Oh silly Bunny!" I hear you cry. "What if they get their tech savvy friend/relation/neighbour to set it up for them?". Simple, in that case the friend/whatever has to submit their personal details and agree to become their 24/7 tech support hotline.

Oh and once we have their address? We unleash the homing bees. Some may think it harsh, but they only have themselves to blame.

MoonCat

11-15-2010, 06:10 PM

The crazy has landed and it's right up there with you, isn't it, you poor soul? (hands over cookies....cuccidati (Italian fig cookies, if you're not familiar with these)...toooo delicious.

Especially the spelling one. What the hell does Y have to do with Nicaragua, anyway....Never mind. Why is it most of your customers are stoned?? What are they smoking up there?

superhotelworker

11-15-2010, 07:16 PM

I.. Wow. Ouch Grave.

MadonnaC

11-15-2010, 07:37 PM

http://www.phespirit.info/cockney/alphabet.htm

I really don't know what else to call it... I think wikipedia list it as the surrealist alphabet, but you have to get his down on paper - that's the best I've seen yet :D

chainedbarista

11-15-2010, 07:57 PM

sir, you fail at using the phonetic alphabet; review your materials and feel free to call us when you actually understand them.

he was never to plague your phonelines again.

ow. the pain from the stupid/crazy is almost unbearable...almost.

Jester

11-15-2010, 10:19 PM

A as in Fonzie.
B as in Arthur.
C as in Moses.
D as in Just Barely Passing.
E as in Whoops!
F as in You.
G as in Whiz.
H as in Lieutenant Caine.
I as in Optometrist.
J as in Dyn-o-MITE!
K as in Jeweler.
L as in Eck.
M as in Candy.
N as in Compass.
O as in Yeah.
P as in Drug Test.
Q as in Line.
R as in We is.
S as in Windy Road.
T as in Crumpets.
U as in Miami.
V as in Neck.
W as in Better Than a Loss.
X as in Former.
Y as in Not.
Z as in Nissan.

Sure, the above is all silly. The scary thing is, they all make far more sense than the ones used by GK's caller.

Mr Hero

11-15-2010, 10:24 PM

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE

Ok, that’s it. After years of wanton suffering at your greasy, simian paws it’s time to lay down some ground rules. Some guidelines for the abuse I endure if I am to continue to enable your stunning lack of fashion sense. But let us start with the first and more fundamental rule: If your name contains more than five of the same letter then you are not allowed to order from me ever again. No, I don’t care if it’s really your legal name. Five is the limit. Three if the letter is “Q”. You can shorten it to a nickname, or you can walk away sad and pantless.

Come now GK, you say. Aren’t you being a bit too harsh? No, I say! I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S. If you have six O’s in your name you need to shorten just as a courtesy to friends and customer service representatives. Who should not have to jam a finger down their throat to pronounce it correctly. It didn’t even need six O’s, there were at least three auxiliary O’s. Someone is adding more O’s just for the hell of having more O’s. I do not know who this person is, but I am not a cruel man. I will offer them amnesty. But only if they turn themselves in immediately and provide us with any information they can that may lead us to finding and stopping the guy handing out the extra Q’s.

He’s the real criminal.

What about the name, Brivolbn7q? And why did I imagine you shouting "Leave English Alone!" in the style of Chris Crocker? Let me also point out that I find it highly ironic that you're the one ranting about adding unnecesary letters.

How The Internet Works

The Internet should be hard to access. To ensure only those capable of grasping the wonders and terrors within may reach it.. You should have to solve some sort of riddle or puzzle before it will even connect. Something that involves math or a sundial or something. That will permit you on the Internet for 24 hours before you have to solve another one. If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.

Would the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time be an acceptable substitute?

Irving Patrick Freleigh

11-15-2010, 10:29 PM

...and how fucking dare you mangle the English language, after all it's been through?!

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE!

Mr Hero

11-15-2010, 10:41 PM

A as in Fonzie.
B as in Arthur.
C as in Moses.
D as in Just Barely Passing.
E as in Whoops!
F as in You.
G as in Whiz.
H as in Lieutenant Caine.
I as in Optometrist.
J as in Dyn-o-MITE!
K as in Jeweler.
L as in Eck.
M as in Candy.
N as in Compass.
O as in Yeah.
P as in Drug Test.
Q as in Line.
R as in We is.
S as in Windy Road.
T as in Crumpets.
U as in Miami.
V as in Neck.
W as in Better Than a Loss.
X as in Former.
Y as in Not.
Z as in Nissan.

Sure, the above is all silly. The scary thing is, they all make far more sense than the ones used by GK's caller.

Here's my preferred method. Cookies for reference.
I is for Imagine
M is for Me
A is for the letter A
G is for Gee
I is for Imagine
N is for Nice
E is for Egad! I said Imagine twice!

LingualMonkey

11-15-2010, 10:51 PM

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE

Ok, that’s it. After years of wanton suffering at your greasy, simian paws it’s time to lay down some ground rules. Some guidelines for the abuse I endure if I am to continue to enable your stunning lack of fashion sense. But let us start with the first and more fundamental rule: If your name contains more than five of the same letter then you are not allowed to order from me ever again. No, I don’t care if it’s really your legal name. Five is the limit. Three if the letter is “Q”. You can shorten it to a nickname, or you can walk away sad and pantless.

Come now GK, you say. Aren’t you being a bit too harsh? No, I say! I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S. If you have six O’s in your name you need to shorten just as a courtesy to friends and customer service representatives. Who should not have to jam a finger down their throat to pronounce it correctly. It didn’t even need six O’s, there were at least three auxiliary O’s. Someone is adding more O’s just for the hell of having more O’s. I do not know who this person is, but I am not a cruel man. I will offer them amnesty. But only if they turn themselves in immediately and provide us with any information they can that may lead us to finding and stopping the guy handing out the extra Q’s.

He’s the real criminal.

See, now this scares me. I have five E's in my name, and my first and middle name are quite normal. My younger child has five L's in hers, and none of her names would at all make someone scratch his or her head.

Or did you mean six O's in the same name?

I'm just concerned that because my parents were E-heavy with me, and because my daughter's middle name is Lillian that I'm pushing close to the edge of Gravekeeper's Vault of Idiocy.

Gravekeeper

11-15-2010, 11:31 PM

Or did you mean six O's in the same name?
[/I]

Six in the same name, yes. Spread out would have been fine. But there were 6 O's in the same name.

Would the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time be an acceptable substitute?

....I think that would actually get you permanent access and the first 6 months free. ( Fscking water temple. >.> )

I get so many calls like that on that line though. People just can't grasp that the name of a website could possibly have nothing to do with the contents of the website. It happens all the time since we got that client. Bike parts, sex toys, travel insurance, passport renewal.....hell, I had one guy yelling at me because I couldn't help him renew his unemployment insurance.

Apparently he just typed in unemploymentrenewal.com or something and figured it MUST be for HIS insurance because, well, look at the title!

Ugh.

And the damn history of tupperware thing is still haunting me. But if I talked about it any more it would be identified. >.>

Solumina

11-15-2010, 11:41 PM

Sweet I would get free internets for six months! (honestly I had more issues with the water temple in Twilight Princess, though just about everyone tells me that one is way easier)

That aside I really want to play Myst now.

zombiequeen

11-16-2010, 12:25 AM

Does beating Viva Pinata get me anything? I definitely beat both the first and second game...getting all the animals, but not quite all the achievements before the first Xbox 360 died. :( If not...I'll find something else to do.

LingualMonkey

11-16-2010, 03:04 AM

If we're using video game solutions for Internet cred, I call for a free lifetime pass.

I can supply my bona fides if asked.

Chromatix

11-16-2010, 03:23 AM

I'm seriously having trouble working out how six Os got in there myself. And I have a street quite near me named Kantelettarentie (that's four Ts and four Es, across seven syllables).

Although there *is* a railway station or two with an exceptionally long name. Did you detect any Welsh heritage in her accent by any chance?

Andara Bledin

11-16-2010, 04:24 AM

I find that the first thing I do when reaching your Monday post is to scroll down, hit the quote button to open it in a new tab, and then start reading, because I know I will be responding to at least one of your delightful vignettes.
Plus I find myself annoyingly stuck with several calls I cannot describe to you as they would reveal my clients. This saddens me. -.-
Wait... Did you just admit to still having some feelings left in there?

You sure you don't want to hand them over to me before they get destroyed by your callers?
I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S. If you have six O’s in your name you need to shorten just as a courtesy to friends and customer service representatives.
But... but... O is such a wonderful letter!

(cookies for the reference)
It didn’t even need six O’s, there were at least three auxiliary O’s.
So... You're saying there were vestigial O's in the name?
If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.
Oh, good, then I'm already set! :D
Stop, Stop! It's Already Dead!
I ... he ... you ... it ... *head-splodey*

http://www.phespirit.info/cockney/alphabet.htm

I really don't know what else to call it... I think wikipedia list it as the surrealist alphabet, but you have to get his down on paper - that's the best I've seen yet :D
Mmmm... Cockney rhyming slang. Fun stuff!

Although, it shocks me that with all the names identified, they missed "Pee for relief." :lol:

....I think that would actually get you permanent access and the first 6 months free. ( Fscking water temple. >.> )
What about Myst and Riven?

That aside I really want to play Myst now.
You and me both. >_< I still have all my disks... Now if only I had a computer it would play on.

^-.-^

Mytical

11-16-2010, 05:24 AM

As always GK, your callers make me weep for humanity. However, this time the insanity not only killed what passes for my brain, but resurrected it as a zombie brain..and then killed it again.

DaDairyDruid

11-16-2010, 06:18 AM

Here's my preferred method. Cookies for reference.
I is for Imagine
M is for Me
A is for the letter A
G is for Gee
I is for Imagine
N is for Nice
E is for Egad! I said Imagine twice!

Animaniacs, the Baloney song

he stands still for the Anvil Song!

El Pollo Guerrera

11-16-2010, 06:27 AM

http://www.phespirit.info/cockney/alphabet.htm

I really don't know what else to call it... I think wikipedia list it as the surrealist alphabet, but you have to get his down on paper - that's the best I've seen yet :D

Really. Fascinating. You must be so proud. Admittedly “fruit stand” wasn’t what came to mind when I heard the name. “Pokemon” on the other hand. Still, fruit stand capital, eh? Must be a wild and crazy place up there. Fruit is synomous with par-tay you know. I'm amazed you dragged yourself away from snorting raisins off a hookers chest long enough to call.

Ah yes the Okanagan. I lived in Penticton for a year (not too far from Keremeos), fruit stands and wine, that's pretty much it. :p

Sonoma

11-16-2010, 07:24 AM

Stop, Stop! It's Already Dead!

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Uncle. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Perrin. E for Australia. R for Thailand.”

….wha-what? I don’t even….ok, let’s try this again.

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. R for Red.”

...I....the...ok, one more time. I'm ready this time. Go ahead. Lay it on me. I can take it.

SC: “N for Mildred. A for Australia. H for Hong Kong. A for Australia. N for Mildred. P for Jello. E for Australia. Way for Kilo.”

Ok, enough. I’m leaving. I don’t know what English did to you or your family, but I cannot in good conscience sit here and watch you do this too it. You sir, are a monster.

annnnnd rest.

I recently had a customer tell me "H as in Harry, L as in Larry".

Ummm,

If you're going to try a phonetic alphabet, please try not to use identical words. Kind of defeats the purpose.

Eisa

11-16-2010, 08:05 AM

Hmm, I've never played Myst, but I did play Outlaws. :p That game is AWESOME. :lol: I'm still happy that I can actually play it on my laptop still. :eek: Granted, it doesn't work as well as it would on its original OS, but Windows XP plus my laptop is perfect, apparently. :D

I'd hate to see the Wikipedia pages for their sister cities. Probably some island somewhere in the South Pacific where pineapples are worshipped as minor deities.

Anonymous TipsWhat I don’t know, ironically, is absolutely anything about you. As you simply hung up without providing me with a name, number, or perhaps most importantly, an address so that I might know where all of these tragic events are taking place. Even if I was so inclined to intervene, I do not even have a rough location of where these obviously heinous crimes are being committed.

I want to give that person the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe they thought you were in their building, but we all know better.

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE (snip snip)

...if there's actually some city where one of the names given there involves that many Qs to begin with, I can only consider paying them a visit. Or better yet, doing it by proxy through tactical nukes and maniacal laughter.

Ominous

Me: “And is there any time you’d like them to call?”
SC: “Today.”

….I fear I am about to become the bearer of bad news. But the tone in your voice makes me afraid to admit it. I have no wish to die over aluminium siding. I always pictured my death being a tad more glorious or at the very least somewhat more amusing. Really, I’m aiming for a Fark.com headline if at all possible.

This guy is making that big of a fuss over aluminum siding? (Yeah, I know, American spelling. Old habits...) What would the guy be like if his plumbing started to crack in three places? :wtf:

How The Internet WorksThe Internet should be[I] hard to access. To ensure only those capable of grasping the wonders and terrors within may reach it.. You should have to solve some sort of riddle or puzzle before it will even connect. Something that involves math or a sundial or something. That will permit you on the Internet for 24 hours before you have to solve another one. If you want permanent access you have to sit down and play all the way through Myst.

...well, there goes my access. I made it through six screens of Myst before I ended up saying 'fuck it' and going back to Doom II.

Oh, you laugh. But mark my words. Someday the geek shall inherit the Earth. And these laws will be standard.

Lemme know if you need an enforcer once the Nerd World Order takes control of the planet. I'm pretty handy with a chainsaw and a book of seriously bad jokes. Heads'll take damage somehow.

Hot Tips

SC: “Hi, my name is Vick."

Sigh. Really, boy. How are you not committed yet?

SC: “I have information stuck in my head, and I don’t know how to get it out.”

Try a fork. It would solve both of our problems.

Hot Tips

“Yes, hi. It’s Vick again. I got cut off.”

Yes, I seem to have mistakenly mashed F4 ( the disconnect key ) with as much force as I could muster and hung up on you. I’m not sure exactly how it happened. But I assure you it was completely by mistake and I beg your humble forgiveness. It won’t happen again. Please, continue.

SC: “As I was s-“

Dammit! I’m sorry, my finger is just so fat and heavy I can’t seem to keep it over my keyboard without dropping it. And it just seems to land on F4 every time. It’s the damnedest thing.

Aww, and I wanted to hear the crazy-guy-in-the-street version of the Nativity and how it relates to potato prices in Kansas! Oh, well.

Passtimes

Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “uh, bala da do see TABLE?!”
Me: “….excuse me?”
SC: “Huhuhuh, it’s dirty! Hello!”
Me: “….hi?”
SC: “Can I like to order place?”

You are way too stoned to be making financial decisions right now. Though I find myself alarmed and confused that “Getting high and ordering pants” is what actually qualifies as entertainment up there these days.

( She ended up ordering $800 worth too.... )

Now it all makes sense. Any order above $150 is done while stoned out of your brains! Dude, you gotta write the paper on this; you'll be filthy rich!

Stop, Stop! It's Already Dead!

...three different phonetic spellings and somehow Y is 'as in Nicaragua, Thailand, Red or Kilo'. Forget the English language, what did the concept of language do to this guy in his youth?!

C. Cecil Ivanish

11-16-2010, 12:09 PM

Six in the same name, yes. Spread out would have been fine. But there were 6 O's in the same name....I am still trying to figure out how it can work. But I keep thinking of Oona O'Neill.And the damn history of tupperware thing is still haunting me. But if I talked about it any more it would be identified. >.>Darn, the history of tupperware!
I *forgot* to buy my copy! Oh, how will I live?he stands still for the Anvil Song!...thinking of "MOON, it spells this is screwed up".I'd hate to see the Wikipedia pages for their sister cities. Probably some island somewhere in the South Pacific where pineapples are worshipped as minor deities.I actually checked it (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keremeos,_British_Columbia). It looks like a pretty decent town, with some nice views too... but yes, it is "the fruit stand capital of Canada". The *self-defined* "fruit stand capital of Canada". I'm wondering, maybe GK's caller was a relative of the guy who came out with the idea?
It even has a website (http://www.keremeos.net/). Still mentioning fruit stands.
Unfortunately, though, I couldn't find any reference to any sister city.
Probably no city can stand (ugly pun not intended) to... stand side-by-side with the fruit stand capital of Canada.
Oh, finally! This .pdf file (http://www.bcasiatwinnings.gov.bc.ca/docs/BC_Local_Government_Twinnings0906SR.pdf) says that Keremeos is twinned with Okanogan, Washington. No fruit stands there....three different phonetic spellings and somehow Y is 'as in Nicaragua, Thailand, Red or Kilo'. Forget the English language, what did the concept of language do to this guy in his youth?!I'm guessing something like "Language is what people speak, I am people, language is anything that comes to my mind". Mutual intelligibility is only optional.

Mr Hero

11-16-2010, 03:26 PM

I recently had a customer tell me "H as in Harry, L as in Larry".

Ummm,

If you're going to try a phonetic alphabet, please try not to use identical words. Kind of defeats the purpose.

This reminds me of a time when my friend was trying to spell something out for me. I can't remember exactly what, but she used "V as in Venus." I knew what she meant, but boy did I have fun with that!

Seshat

11-16-2010, 05:12 PM

LEAVE ENGLISH ALONE

Ok, that’s it. But let us start with the first and more fundamental rule: If your name contains more than five of the same letter then you are not allowed to order from me ever again. No, I don’t care if it’s really your legal name. Five is the limit. Three if the letter is “Q”. You can shorten it to a nickname, or you can walk away sad and pantless.

But.. but .. my name has four of the same letter! Even with a nickname!

If you count all four names.

(Think of it as something like Penny Anna Charlotte Hallmann. Or some such. I know that makes it six ns, five with Penelope, but it's close enough for the purpose.)

Oh, and I've never played Myst. But I've defeated Morrowind and Oblivion multiple times, including their extensions. Does that count?

mharbourgirl

11-16-2010, 10:21 PM

Oh, and I've never played Myst. But I've defeated Morrowind and Oblivion multiple times, including their extensions. Does that count?

I got through Myst and Riven a couple times each. I beat Ocarina of Time about 40 times.

Then someone gave me the original Sims.

I'm afraid the only things that have managed to distract me long enough to beat them multiple times are the Civilization series and that bloody Oblivion. Oblivion can eat up DAYS.

How much internet time would I have earned, GK? I remember when you had to type in your own programs, or buy them on tapes. :o

dalesys

11-16-2010, 10:42 PM

... when you had to type in your own programs, or buy them on tapes. :o
Did you ever have a Stringy Floppy?:D

cinema guy

11-16-2010, 11:14 PM

I had a caller this evening with six O’s in her name. SIX. O’S.

Sounds like the letters I was getting in Scrabble tonight.

Not a person's name, but I feel that I should mention that the name of the town I was born in is Oconomowoc.

And again. :D

Gravekeeper

11-16-2010, 11:23 PM

You're going to force me to come up with some sort of Internet time equation index aren't you? >.>

Most of the town names up that far north tend to have upwards of 3-4 K's and/or Q's in the name. This tends to pass upon to the residents as well. It can be quite daunting sometimes.

Kekertukdjuak, Qausuittuq, Qikiqtarjuaq and Tikiraqjuaq for example.

I know it looks like I just bashed my face into the keyboard, but I assure you these are real, tangible locations.

Princess-Snake

11-16-2010, 11:43 PM

Here's my preferred method. Cookies for reference.
I is for Imagine
M is for Me
A is for the letter A
G is for Gee
I is for Imagine
N is for Nice
E is for Egad! I said Imagine twice!

Actually, you said it three times.

Jester

11-16-2010, 11:49 PM

Two questions.

1. What is wrong with "V, like in Venus"? Makes perfect sense to me!

2. What if one does not beat these games you folks speak of? Now, don't get me wrong, I think there should be some kind of qualifying test to use the internet, I just don't think it should be games, as not everyone who uses the internet intelligently (like myself) is a gamer. Hell, before this thread, I had never heard of any of these games. But I am good enough on the net to sound almost intelligent in discussions and debates, and good enough at finding things on the net that my friends will often ask me to find things for them. Just not a gamer.

Gravekeeper

11-17-2010, 01:00 AM

2. What if one does not beat these games you folks speak of?

There's still the Sun Dial!

Actually, the real qualifier should probably just be "Have you ever phoned a relative to get them to "fix the Internets". "

Really. Fascinating. You must be so proud. Admittedly “fruit stand” wasn’t what came to mind when I heard the name. “Pokemon” on the other hand. Still, fruit stand capital, eh? Must be a wild and crazy place up there. Fruit is synomous with par-tay you know. I'm amazed you dragged yourself away from snorting raisins off a hookers chest long enough to call.

Powdered Raisins.

Intermediary

Over the course of this excruciatingly long call I have made several observations. Which I would like to share with you, the caller, so that in the future you may make some effort to avoid these pitfalls. Thus making both of our lives easier.

First of all, if you’re going to be the one talking and placing the order please ensure you are also the one actually holding the catalog. Your constant need to consult with someone else in the background regarding the contents of the catalog is magnifying the length of this call in an alarming and completely unnecessary fashion. As is your need to consult with them about every single product number of the order as well as the size and colour of each product.

Really, you have nothing to do with this call whatsoever but for some reason Background Monkey is insisting on communicating through you. Why this is, I do not know. You have the intellect, verbal skills and vocabulary of a wet dish towel. You’re not exactly the first candidate I would choose as my intermediary. This call would go much faster if she spoke to me directly through an actual wet dish towel.

I'm thinking some kind of Ur-Quan/Dnyarri relationship.

Oh and I've beaten most of the Space Quest series (curse you "get Orat part"!) as well as Kings Quest and Leisure Suit Larry. on 5.25 or 3.5 floppies. Also while I have called a relative to get internet back on that is due to the fact he runs the wireless transmit towers that broadcast the signal and I had already determined it wasn't equipment in my home. This good enough for that internet license?

Mr Hero

11-17-2010, 01:23 AM

Two questions.

1. What is wrong with "V, like in Venus"? Makes perfect sense to me!

Nothing, but V rhymes with P and I'm both a smartass and a pervert.

dalesys

11-17-2010, 02:01 AM

Nothing, but V rhymes with P ...
And that stands for POOL!

LingualMonkey

11-17-2010, 02:53 AM

There's still the Sun Dial!

Actually, the real qualifier should probably just be "Have you ever phoned a relative to get them to "fix the Internets". "

>.>

I'd like to add a corollary rule. If you've ever said the phrase, "My Internet is broken," your test just got harder.

Actually, the real qualifier should probably just be "Have you ever phoned a relative to get them to "fix the Internets."

Well, no, but I should explain that while I am fine USING the internet, I know fuck all about the computer itself that allows me to do that. A good analogy comes to me from the movie "Days of Thunder," when Tom Cruise's character explain to Robert Duvall's character that, while he can drive the car, he can't describe what the hell is wrong with it, or right with it, or anything like that....he just knows how to drive!

Whenever something goes wrong with my computer, something that rebooting won't fix, and that I can't figure out what the problem is (which happens every few months), I'll wander into my roommate Mr. Anti-Social's room with a deer in the headlights look.

And then he fixies it. And I buy him a case of Coke or a bottle of rum or something. And everyone's happy.

And I'm still clueless. I can drive the damn thing, but when things start going south, I have no idea what or why. :lol:

Nothing, but V rhymes with P and I'm both a smartass and a pervert.

Fair enough! :lol:

C. Cecil Ivanish

11-17-2010, 02:09 PM

What if one does not beat these games you folks speak of? Now, don't get me wrong, I think there should be some kind of qualifying test to use the internet, I just don't think it should be games, as not everyone who uses the internet intelligently (like myself) is a gamer. Hell, before this thread, I had never heard of any of these games. But I am good enough on the net to sound almost intelligent in discussions and debates, and good enough at finding things on the net that my friends will often ask me to find things for them. Just not a gamer.Nah, you made it too serious now ;)
On the other hand - I never finished Myst myself, so I'm on your side!Actually, the real qualifier should probably just be "Have you ever phoned a relative to get them to "fix the Internets". "This makes a lot of sense, actually.I'd like to add a corollary rule. If you've ever said the phrase, "My Internet is broken," your test just got harder.I'd say, if you did, you fail. Bye, thank you for playing along.
And I keep thinking of that Dilbert strip in which the Manager is told that "the Internet is full" and starts draining it by holding a random cable over a bin.Well, no, but I should explain that while I am fine USING the internet, I know fuck all about the computer itself that allows me to do that. A good analogy comes to me from the movie "Days of Thunder," when Tom Cruise's character explain to Robert Duvall's character that, while he can drive the car, he can't describe what the hell is wrong with it, or right with it, or anything like that....he just knows how to drive!Hmm, sounds like me... in both cases, actually. I can drive, and I can use a computer (and I perform both actions daily), I even WORK through a computer, but as soon as there is a glitch I humbly walk to Lurch our IT guy with a line like "'puter not behaving, not a clue what's wrong, sorry mate". Thankfully he's good, patient and paid well enough to not strangle me with an Ethernet cable.

Ghel

11-17-2010, 05:58 PM

And that stands for POOL!
We've surely got trouble!

Seshat

11-17-2010, 07:31 PM

How many Os in Woolloomooloo?
Ask me once and I'll tell you true.
Two for the W. Two for the M.
Four for the Ls, that's enough for them.

Yes, it's a genuine Australian place - and a genuine children's rhyme.

El Pollo Guerrera

11-17-2010, 07:47 PM

And I keep thinking of that Dilbert strip in which the Manager is told that "the Internet is full" and starts draining it by holding a random cable over a bin.

That reminds me of the Dilbert where they get the Manager to reboot his laptop by shaking it really hard. It turned out that the laptop in question was just an Etch-A-Sketch.

C. Cecil Ivanish

11-18-2010, 10:51 AM

That reminds me of the Dilbert where they get the Manager to reboot his laptop by shaking it really hard. It turned out that the laptop in question was just an Etch-A-Sketch.Makes me think of one of the managers I had at my old job. He'd be able to believe that it's the way to go for a proper laptop. I'm actually surprised that the IT guy we had never tried it on him, with the evil sense of humour he has (probably he'd love this forum, too).