Where do I begin. Wait, let me check and see if I’ve had enough coffee… oh you shut it. I’ve already admitted that I continue to drink coffee while nursing. Just don’t tell my mom about all that Mountain Dew. She’d FLIP.

So a few months ago, I’d say the morning we brought Marlo home, I told Jon that while I had enjoyed and would recommend having a natural childbirth, that I was in no way, under no circumstances, not ever, NUH UH, going to do it again. And that in order to make sure that the future played out in this exact way, he was going to have to hold up his end of the bargain. It was his turn. Dude needed to have a certain procedure taken care of, because I’ve heard that condoms and birth control are not one hundred percent effective, and you know what is? Say it with me conservative Christians: ABSTINENCE!

Related tangent: I don’t know if I have told you this story before, but in Los Angeles I had a very close friend who’d grown up in Valdosta, Georgia, and every summer she attended Bible School at a local Baptist church, and they’d hold rallies for Jesus that included one group of children screaming, “WHEN I SAY JESUS, YOU SAY JESUS. SAY, ‘JESUS!’” And then another group of children across the room would scream, “JESUS!” Kind of like cheerleaders at a football game, except Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was the one passing the ball.

I don’t know why I love that chant, but I do, I LOVE IT, maybe because Mormons would never participate in something so blatantly irreverent. You just can’t go tossing around the Lord’s name like that, haven’t you read the ten commandments? I think it’s the one right after THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE. Oh, wait. Wrong book. Doesn’t matter. All I know is I love shouting JESUS! Almost as much as I love shouting SHINGLES!

So a couple of weeks ago Jon went in for a consultation with a urologist and saw some weird, funky movie starring men in very tight European shorts, apparently, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, I’ll let him tell you that part of the story. And then yesterday we drove down to the same hospital where I delivered Marlo for his vasectomy. We’ll get to that part in a second, but first, I cannot even begin to explain how nauseated I felt when we turned the corner and I saw that hospital. Like, hobo on a bourbon binge fell off the train and woke up naked next to the dumpster outside of IHOP nauseated.

Yes, this is now The Hobo Blog.

Because last time I was there I was having contractions so violent that I was certain I was going to look down and see that the lower half of my body had been ripped off all while Leta was in the back seat going WHY IS MOM MAKING THAT NOISE?! So when we pull into the parking lot I involuntarily turn toward the empty back seat and go MOMMY IS FINE! MOMMY IS FINE!

If THAT isn’t a picture of someone perfectly sane.

So Jon is lying there on the operating table – hoo! I know I’m not a guy and I cannot relate, but if I had balls I think I’d rather not ever have them and the words OPERATING TABLE in the same sentence – nude from the waist down, and I’m sitting in a chair next to him, holding his hand, situated just enough below the table that I don’t have to see anything. Because, you know, I’D LIKE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

And remember, Jon almost fainted once when a nurse approached him with a needle to draw his blood. Not when she put the needle in his arm. WHEN SHE WALKED UP TO HIM. So you can imagine the wincing and almost losing consciousness that was going on as the doctor prepped his tray full of scissors and scalpels and KNIVES AND GUNS AND GRENADES!

Jon is out of breath, sweating, clutching my hand, and I am doing everything I can not to laugh. Because the doctor has not even touched him yet. And I’m trying SO HARD to be the support that he needs when suddenly the doctor gently drops a wet, sanitary wipe directly ON THE AREA (notice: I have not once used the word NADS, BOW BEFORE MY RESTRAINT) and Jon jumps three feet into the air. Literally. Every limb of that 6′ 3” body came off that table. What did it look like? Remember when Kramer would clumsily open the door to Seinfeld’s apartment? THAT.

And that doctor is all, DUDE, it was a napkin! OH MY GOD. I felt like I was trying to muffle my laughter during the eulogy at a funeral!

The cringing and flailing limbs continue as the doctor injects a local anesthetic ON THE AREA, and then when he performs the dreaded poke test Jon flatlines on the table. Dead. Gone. And then he suddenly comes back to life with a hearty WATCH IT, BUDDY!

That’s exactly what he said. WATCH IT, BUDDY. And it seemed so appropriate, like, he couldn’t have phrased it better, because when someone is holding a scalpel over your balls? What do you call him? STAN? JOE? NO. YOU CALL HIM BUDDY. Buddy and your balls. THE TWO GO TOGETHER.

I imagine Jon felt like he was staring at a gun and was trying to calm the mugger down. Like, buddy, listen. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, buddy. Please don’t kill me. Here, take my wallet, buddy. Just leave me my balls.

And this is the part I will not ever forget, the best part, the climax of the vasectomy, no pun intended. Jon is going OW! OW! OW! STOP! OW! STOP! STOP! And the doctor holds up both hands, steps a foot away from the table, and goes I AM NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU. He waves both hands in the air to prove it, and Jon feverishly looks up through the sweat that has now flooded his eyes and goes, “Oh. Okay.”

And then I was done, I had my head between my knees and I let it all out, the laughing until I cried, the guffaws, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. My poor little bunny:

Doesn’t anybody else find it disturbing to see the people on here talking about their EXs who had the procedure? I mean the man is sterilized and the relationship is over, what happens if he remarries?

If a woman doesn’t want to have any more kids why does she force her HUSBAND to get snipped? I can’t understand the men who agree to such a thing. With a 50% divorce rate it doesn’t make much sense. What if the wife has a fatal illness and he wants to move on and start a new family with another woman?

It seems like the ultimate act of selfishness.

geewiz

I laugh… and it hurts… a lot! My cheeks! My head!

Amy

Helen, calm down. Some men, like mine, DECIDE to get the procedure. It was his idea. Or perhaps you would prefer women getting pregnant by mistake and aborting all in the sake of ‘what if??’ We all make our CHOICES.

Damn Heather, you mean I could have gone and held his hand (watched?) I so would have. Lucky for hubby he was completely stoic about the whole event, probably knowing what would have spewed out of my mouth had he even said OUCH! (Mother of 3, need I say more>)

http://www.latherrinseandrepeat.wordpress.com Lisa

Oh. My. God. I just about pissed myself.

Brings back such fond memories of my own hysterical laughter at the Mr. and his vasectomy drama.

Puh-leeze. We squeeze HUMAN BEINGS out of our you-know-whats and they can’t even handle the doctor LOOKING at their balls.

This is the most hilarious story I’ve read in a while.

Heather

Fabulous story, Heather.

Anonymous

That was funny and I love the way you tell stories but it gets so so so old to hear you bitch and moan about how hard it is to have a baby. I’ve done it, it’s just not that hard. Pregnancy is NO WHERE even half way close to as hard as you have always made it seem and delivery while not fun is a fact of life and isn’t that hard either. I’m just trying to tell myself that you are trying to make a career here so you are purposely being silly and exaggerating. No one could really be that much of a whiner could they? (I know you had to go to a mental hospital and I’m not belittling your mental illness, I just mean the standard, physical part) Can’t you have just a tiny, little bit of compassion for the suffering of anyone besides yourself?

Sara PG with #3

Ok, that was hysterical. I couldn’t read part of it b/c of the tears in my eyes and hubby came in to see what was wrong with me! I tried to read it to him but it was no use.
And anonymous, go read another blog with less whining. Sheesh.

http://peanutsparents.blogspot.com tallgirl

That is hysterical. My husband took an anti anxiety drug before the procedure.

We got to his appointment, and they hadn’t scheduled the appointment so we had to come back later that day. Poor fellow. He was all psyched up to have the operation, and they made him wait 4 hours. He was very good about it though. Some men are complete pusses.

http://angryredhead.wordpress.com Candice

GAHHHAAHA! I can’t wait to show all my guy friends this video.

http://memyselfandmommy.com Renee

I can not tell you how much that made my day!

We’re not ready to shut down the factory, but when the time comes I’m hoping Steve is up to the task. He doesn’t handle a cold or headache with much grace, so I can’t imagine how much babying he will need for the “procedure”

http://kerryleeslovelylittlelife.blogspot.com/ Kerry

Favorite. Post. EVER.

And not just because it was a good laugh at Jon’s expense. (Sorry Jon!)

Heather, you held it in way longer that I could have. Good Job. I would have lost it when we got to the hospital and would not have been able to stop the entire time.

Anonymous

Heather, there is no way you read this far down in your comments, but THIS WAS THE MOST AWESOME POST EVER!!! We’re scheduled for V-Day in 2 weeks and the whining is causing the next door neighbor’s dogs to howl. And then you capped it off with the Man Cold video. I liked you before, but now I…ummmmm…just…might…..love you. I won’t stalk you, promise! Don’t look outside.

http://moville.blogspot.com Mo

Hobo vaginas and now this-If it is now a hobo blog, at these you are hitting both sides of the fence, buddy.

….I wonder if the bits on anesthesia act anything like your face after novecain(sp?)…cause that would be fuuunny. (poor lil guys)

http://eatshootblog.com/ Trish

To Helen @ #174:

I don’t think you can FORCE a man to submit to having his testicles sliced open with a scalpel.

I think you can have a frank discussion with your partner about whether or not he thinks he’s done having children (with you or with anyone else for that matter). Just because you CAN have more children doesn’t mean you WANT TO or you SHOULD. And if you’re both finished having children, why should the woman be the one to take full responsibility for birth control? A vasectomy is way less invasive than a tubal ligation and way less complicated than decades of hormonal anarchy from taking the Pill.

http://willikat.blogspot.com willikat

my god, that was funny.

Mrs. Q.

My hubby just had it done last week. In the doctor’s office. In under 20 minutes. I’ve had teeth cleanings go worse than that.

The aftermath was surprisingly OK. Just make sure your dear remembers to use two things: the ice pack and the jock.

My dear husband said perhaps the worst part is the prep. When he asked me how he was supposed to shave his balls, I said, “Carefully. And without my help if you ever want sex again.”

http://pinkvanillacupcakes.com suzi

OMG that is freaking hilarious. My husband will read this one for sure. Seriously, uncontrollable laughter over here.

Sorry, Jon. Sorry Jon’s balls—area.

suzi
pinkvanillacupcakes.com

Jill

I hate to laugh at Jon’s expense but that has got to be your funniest post ever!

Jill Ross

Fucking hilarious Heather! I was pissing myself laughing all the way through.

Laura R

The post was hysterical, but the video was dead on. My husband is just getting over a “Man Cold” and now I’m getting sick, but guess who has to keep on going while the *baby* recovers??

http://jackandjillputupablog.com/ Jill Put Up A Blog

That is awesome! LOL! Oh my, so very funny.

I am pregnant and I am a big baby with this stuff and the hubby always goes with me saying ‘it’s no big deal’ with bright eyes and smile. Then at the OB, he asked the doctor if I should get the flu/h1n1 shots and she said “yes absolutely she does…don’t think you’re out of this, you need to get one as well.” YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS FACE!!! Phew! So funny.

Ann

Oh. My. God. I cannot breathe!

You are so brave to go in with Jon and hold his hand. I waited in the waiting room and then drove the big baby home.

Best EVER!!!!!

http://6512andgrowing.wordpress.com/ 6512 and growing

Our day is coming soon. Will try to keep the snickers to a minimum. Hilarious post!

http://www.unfamousme.com Kerry

My husband and I decided neither one of us will get “fixed”. We got a boy together and I have a beautiful daughter as well. One of each and I am done, yet we chose no form of birth control and just let nature, or God do as it pleases…lol. I’m bit crazy I know, but I believe my body knows it’s just too old for another one. I think I am safe…..I hope.
Jon, you’re a brave brave man. Kudos to you.

http://www.ferryfolk.com Dan

When my ‘surprise’ kid sister was born, 9 years after me, my mother was in labor for 30 hours. Within a month, my father and 5 uncles had all been forced under the knife by their wives. I suspect they negotiated a group discount.

The only holdout was one uncle, who had his own ‘surprise’ kid when my cousins were already out of high school. Best to avoid surprises, believe me.

Hillary_C

I’m laughing so hard that my husband is warning me to not wake up the kids.

And the dude who cleaned the garage, and the one who rode the motorcycle to work, more tears streamed down my face.
thanks to all for a great end to my day.

Kate

My husband is a Marine and he got the Combat V two years ago. The procedure is to drop your Marine off at the clinic and then they call you when it’s time to pick them up.

I got the call, went down to the clinic and they told me he was not there. I was naturally curious about where he might have hobbled off to but not worried as surely he could not have gotten far. They just had not one idea where he might be, but he was surely not in the clinic.

I was pretty sure my husband was in the clinic and not difficult to find as he would be the mildly stoned one holding an icepack to his crotch.

To get me away from his desk, the young Corpsman agreed to take a peek in the back. Low and behold, he found my Marine anxiously waiting for me in the recovery area.

Someday I’ll share with everyone the story about when I went to pick him up from heel surgery and they could only trace him as far as having been put in an elevator 20 minutes earlier.

Anonymous

I lost it at “watch it buddy” to the point where my roommate came in and told me to shut up.

http://longislanddailyphoto.blogspot.com/ Lily

oh my dear Heather, thank you for making me laugh, I really needed that.
Hope you are feeling better John!

http://www.sommerdesigns.com Carrie S.

BEST. BLOG. POST. EVER.

Tiffany

OMG. Best. Post. Ever.

#100/TheHans, I’ve been doubled over laughing for the past 57 minutes. Srsly, you kill me!!

Charissa

Awesome:)

My fiance and I both have a cold. Guess who’s been making the soup.

momof8

That is the funniest thing I think you have ever written. Made me laugh out loud.

Loran

OMG, it would be so hard not to laugh, I’m glad you finally did. That is one of the funniest stories I have ever read! And, lucky you, your husband consented. I had to go back 5 weeks after my second daughter was born and get my tubes tied so I could sleep at night and never worry again about maybe being pregnant .

http://prettylittlepenny.blogspot.com Be Like the Squirrel, Girl

This really is the best post ever. I needed to laugh, so thanks for that.

MAN COLD = SO TRUE.

http://www.ramblingbrooke.com Brooke

Hahaha…Hospitals and needles don’t bother me at all, but my fiance HATES the hospital. When I was sick a couple of years ago, he stood facing the wall for 4 hours. The doctor wanted to know if he should be checked out too. Too bad his parents are still holding out hope that he’ll soon earn a medical degree.

jeroen

A few months after the arrival of daughter number three we came to the conclusion we were complete as a family. Not willing to chance a fourth daughter, or worse – a first son, we decided it would be best to cut the cords. I talked a bit with my GP, to get some reassurances. He thought I was extremely brave, even though he assured me everything would continue to work and perform as before, the only difference me shooting blanks. Next up was a short meeting with the surgeon, who explained the procedure, from start to finish, including that I had to shave my parts the morning of the operation.

I was so excited I started shaving as soon as I got home – the date for the op was still three weeks away. Never got I closer to perfectly impersonating Groucho Marx first (without the glasses and cigar) and, second, Hitler’s wee moustache (but with a bigger nose). The terrible itching started a day later.

The nerves finally got to me when I was lying half naked on the operating table. A nurse pulled out a huge blue napkin with a tiny hole in the middle, and draped it over my body. She then gently fondled my balls through the hole – never had I felt more vulnerable than at that moment, seeing my hairless scrotum taken out of its comfort zone, now exposed to strangers in white aprons, wearing safety goggles, saying kind words to comfort me while checking if all the necessary needles, scissors, prods, and knives were there, ready to attack.

‘Oh, we have a small request’, the surgeon said, just as he stuck a needle in my groin for local anesthesia, ‘… is it okay with you if a few medicine students come in and watch this operation? It would be good for their education to see a vasectomy performed, if you don’t mind of course.’ One doesn’t object to a guy hanging over you with one hand on your balls, a needle at the ready, and his cronies surrounding you with knives – do you? So I nodded, and said ‘Yeah, whatever, the more the merrier.’

Moments later eighteen first year medical students paraded in, who all were kind enough to acknowledge my shriveled presence by saying ‘Hello, how are you?’ in unison. Before I could answer Mr Surgeon pulled on one of the tubes attached to one of my balls, so he could make a knot. The local anesthesia worked fine, apart from the fact that it seemed like this tube was somehow connected to the rest of my non-sedated internal organs, and they felt as if they were all pulled towards my groin. So I said ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’, called the Surgeon all sorts of names, and then shut up concentrating on not fainting.

Twenty minutes later a nurse came to check on me, asking if I was still in pain, which I was not thanks to some very nice pills. She then handed me a small plastic cup and said ‘We don’t recommend having unprotected sex for the next six weeks, as you still may have some live semen. To be sure the operation was successful you need to come back in six weeks time. You then have to fill this cup here, and a nurse will check straight away if there are any more live semen left.’ I nodded. ‘For the sake of education, will there be eighteen students watching me fill the cup?’ I asked. She didn’t smile. I never went back.

http://www.amandaormandy.blogspot.com @manda

LAUGH OUT LOUD!!

God, Woman… I LOVE YOU!!

…And so does Jesus.

Anonymous

Heather,

With your luck, you WILL get pregnant again despite the V and all… I just have a psychic hit about this. If anyone’s vasectomy will fail, it will be the ex-Mormom Armstrong’s.

http://www.daisydaddy.com Daisy Daddy

Your poor guy went to the wrong doctor. I had it done recently and it was absolutely no big deal. No pain at all during procedure, and I rode my mountain bike the next day. Orgasms are wimpier, though.

http://www.homemadeserenity.blogspot.com homemadeserenity

Bwhahaha….thank you for the full fledged laugh. And especially that video link. I’m down for the count with Swine Flu right now and it just made me giggle.

http://www.homemadeserenity.blogspot.com homemadeserenity

Bwhahaha….thank you for the full fledged laugh. And especially that video link. I’m down for the count with Swine Flu right now and it just made me giggle.

Kathryn

Too funny. I think this needs to be somehow incorporated into next month’s banner and tagline. “Nothing is sacred.”

http://1134.org Stan

Heh. I did this a while back. It was no big deal. But then again, when I went for the consultation, the doctor looked at my 0ga PA piercing and said something like, “I guess you’re not afraid of needles down there.” And he was right.

http://lifeaslou.blogsome.com Leah

You just made me CRY from laughter.

THANK YOU.

Poor Jon.

Stephanie

Too funny! You are a much better person than me. I would’ve been laughing from the start. By the way use an alternate form of protection even with a vasectomy! I am a product of a vasectomy.

Kit

Oh man… the visual of the doctor stepping away from Jon and wiggling his fingers while saying “I’m not even touching you”…
PRICELESS.

If I had been you I would have been obnoxiously untherapeutic- I would have looked deep into my husbands eyes and said ‘Just remember, I birthed, breastfed and carried our children for nine months… this is a LITTLE, ITTY, BITTY thing that takes all but 20 seconds, the prep time takes longer- MAN UP”…

You’re just a better person than I could ever be.

http://klutzontoast.com KlutzOnToast

Just wanted to say, you are my blogging hero. And I blame (and thank) you that my first blog post has the word ‘vagina’ in it.

http://nicedaytostartagain.blogspot.com Donna Deluso

At least yours had the [painful] cojones to have it done! Mine chickened out when the doc said that a very small percentage of men experience pain in the scrotum for the rest of their lives. He convinced himself that with his “rotten luck” [a figment of his hypochcondriacal imagination] he’d fall into that category. Hence we’re at an impasse, I don’t want fake hormones or bits of wire in my body and he hates rubbers. So we’re in the territory of the money landing somewhere other than in the piggy bank. So who knows……. let fate decide.

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