Comedian, Writer, Not So Bitter Divorcee

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Gay Husband

I’ve been accused of the past of being homophobic. To say I was angry about this would be an understatement. My life was irrevocably harmed by a gay man, and yet I fight with everything I have inside of me for further LGTB understanding and acceptance. This dichotomy might seem strange to some but my relationship with the LGTB community is a long and complicated one.

In 2000 I met the man of my dreams, or so I thought. We were married two years later and went on to work together onstage and off for seven years. I eventually discovered that not only was my ex-husband secretly gay he was lying to me from the first day I’d met him. He admitted in therapy that he knew he was gay since he was 8 years old. He also admitted that he never really wanted to be with me as husband and wife. I was a human prop or shield to mask his doubts and fears about being gay. I think he also liked working with me as a partner onstage but he’d already replaced me in that role before the marriage was over.

Meanwhile his older brother was openly gay and had been for over 20 years. His brother was not rejected by the family and had an extremely close relationship with his parents. My ex was not in a field or part of the country that was especially anti-LGTB, in fact as a performing artist in New York City he was in one of the best places he could live as an openly gay man.

To add the cherry to the top of my sundae of despair, I found out the truth regarding my ex-husband in the middle of Chelsea (A gay neighborhood in Manhattan) the week before Pride week. As we stumbled out of that therapist’s office I was surrounded by gay pride rainbows and flags being sold in every direction, and large Pride banners hung from every light post. Our couple’s therapist largely ignored me in our one session and instead focused on my soon to be ex-husband. The lies, deception and betrayal I’d just suffered was ignored, while my soon to be ex was given deference, sympathy and an overwhelming amount of empathy by this horrible therapist. I was literally suicidal and she couldn’t remember my name during the session.

You’d think after all of this, that I would be on a mountain top bashing gay men, decrying their perversion and deviance in the loudest way possible. I’ve had several people assume that was the case, because I do not care for or have a relationship with my ex-husband in any way shape or form. Instead I have championed gay men and the acceptance and normalcy of the LGTB community. .

I have done this because I know that just as I am blonde, my ex-husband is gay. It’s simply in his wiring to be attracted to and want to have relationships with other gay men. My ex-husband doesn’t get off the hook for all of the many horrible things he did and said to me. He doesn’t get a free pass because he lied to me repeatedly and mislead me into a fraudulent marriage. At the same time he DOES NOT represent all gay men. He is only responsible for his own actions. Some gay men in his position have had the courage and conviction to be open and honest with their partners. Although those types of marriages are rare, they do exist and the outcomes are usually much better than what I and millions of others have been through. The larger LGTB community does not bear the burden of accounting for my ex-husband’s many transgressions. I have many kind and caring gay male friends who have supported me through this hellscape when some straight people have not.

The most important reason however that I promote the idea that being gay is just as benign as being blonde is that it gay normalization is the ONLY way we are going to cut down on mixed orientation marriages. I also believe deeply in my heart that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being gay.

Studies on who commits child sexual abuse vary in their findings, but the most common finding is that the majority of sexual offenders are family members or are otherwise known to the child. Sexual abuse by strangers is not nearly as common as sexual abuse by family members. Research further shows that men perpetrate most instances of sexual abuse, but there are cases in which women are the offenders. Despite a common myth, homosexual men are not more likely to sexually abuse children than heterosexual men are.

Most of the current research into pedophilia has pointed more towards brain damage, or brain defects as the cause. The current scientific movement in regards towards pedophilia is for effective treatments and prevention of crimes against children. No one but a few depraved pedophiles themselves are calling for acceptance of these depraved acts.

The demonization and shaming of LGTB people accomplishes nothing than more people retreating to the closet. I’ve written about this before at length. The more we try to shove people back into that dark place, the more likely they will drag others with them. The more gay people try to suppress their orientation the more straight spouses like myself will find themselves in tragic mixed orientation marriages.

I’m proud to know many loving and caring gay parents. I’m proud to have many gay men in my life as co-workers, friends, confidants, and shoulders to cry on. I feel eternally blessed to have so many amazing supportive, creative, kind and brave LGTB people around me. Because I feel so strongly about this, and I want to end misconceptions about LGTB people I’ve provided several links, to reputable non-biased sources that back up my beliefs and opinions. I will support both straight spouses and the LGTB community until my last breath. I want straight spouses and sham marriages to be a thing of the past. We aren’t going to win this battle with superstition, hate and bigotry. Knowledge is power and there is a wealth of information out there. Of course there are conflicting opinions regarding the LGTB community but they largely come from religious organizations. Everyone can make their own conclusions, but as a non-religious person I’d defer to experts on the human mind and body. I prefer data, research and peer-reviewed clinical studies over passages from ancient texts or pseudoscience.

To quote the American Psychological Association

Since 1975, the American Psychological Association has called on psychologists to take the lead in removing the stigma of mental illness that has long been associated with lesbian, gay and bisexual orientations. The discipline of psychology is concerned with the well-being of people and groups and therefore with threats to that well-being. The prejudice and discrimination that people who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual regularly experience have been shown to have negative psychological effects. This pamphlet is designed to provide accurate information for those who want to better understand sexual orientation and the impact of prejudice and discrimination on those who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual.

When I learned that the shooter in the Orlando massacre showed signs of being a latent or closeted homosexual my heart dropped in my chest. It somehow hurt even more to know that part of what drove him to murder 49 innocent people was his own deep-seated self-hatred. I do not pity the shooter. I pity a culture that reinforces the notion that being gay is a shortcoming, weakness, defect, perversion or a sin. I pity his hateful father who admonished homosexuality days after the massacre. The same man who used to insult his son by calling him gay and taught him to hate himself. I pity him because he’s a pathetic excuse for a human being who will only be remembered for raising someone capable of such a horrific act. My deepest sympathies go to the friends and families of the fallen, and every LGTB person who will feel less safe as a result of such an attack.

Despite the outpouring of support from people all over the country, I knew there would be a backlash. It wasn’t enough that worst shooting in US history targeted the LGTB community, the critics of homosexuality had to get their digs in before the bodies were cold.. The first blow came in the form of a tweet by Dan Patrick the fiercely anti-LGTB Lt. Governor of Texas just two hours after the shooting.

Do not be deceived, God will not be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

He claimed the bible verse was randomly selected beforehand but he also posted it on his Facebook account three hours later even after numerous complaints on his twitter feed.

Then there was the video of a fringe Baptist Pastor Roger Jimenez

‘What if you asked me, “Hey, are you sad that 50 pedophiles were killed today?” Um, no, I think that’s great,’ he told his followers, some of whom laughed. ‘I think that helps society. I think Orlando, Florida, is a little safer tonight. The tragedy is that more of them didn’t die. I’m kind of upset that he didn’t finish the job

The blood of the victims was probably still fresh on the ground when these comments were made. I get worked up about this topic because my life has been negatively affected by homophobia. My ex-husband was a self-loathing closeted gay man who thought he could change himself. I was unaware of his struggle with his sexual orientation and became collateral damage in his war with himself. Instead of living his life authentically and honestly, he lived a miserable existence in hiding. If he felt he could have lived his life happily and fulfilled as a gay man, we both would have been much better off. There are millions of other straight spouses like myself, and children who have been through the emotionally wrenching experience of a mixed orientation marriage. The hatred of LGTB people extends much further out than just the LGTB community. It hurts their families, friends, and our culture as a whole. Although LGTB men and women have made great strides in recent years, incidents like the massacre in Orlando prove we have a long way to go before true acceptance is possible.

I am not sure if I’ll reach anyone in my intended audience with this article, but I’m just so sick of the hate. No one wins when LGTB men and women are shamed, labeled as sinners or treated like second-hand citizens. Homophobes use all sorts of reasoning to justify their hate, so I’ve compiled the most common ones here and intend to challenge all of them.

Homosexulaity and sin – Everyone has a right to their own religious views, but we live in a country with a multitude of faiths and belief systems.. I won’t break down every religion, religious text or reasoning for the condemnations of homosexuality. That wouldn’t just be a blog article, it could fill several volumes. In a secular nation, one person’s religion does not trump another person’s civil rights. I don’t know how love can be sinful, and I know many loving LGTB couples. Many of them are also devoted parents. I’m agnostic myself, but it’s hard to imagine how any loving God would be against a healthy, happy, loving relationships between two consenting adults.

Gay people cannot be changed or converted through therapy. – I could write several hundred pages on this, but instead I’ll just provide this handy link and quote about the widely derided conversion therapy.

Conversion therapy – sometimes known as reparative or “sexual reorientation” therapy – is a dangerous practice based on the premise that people can change their sexual orientation, literally “converting” from gay to straight. Conversion therapy has been discredited or highly criticized by virtually all major American medical, psychiatric, psychological and professional counseling organizations.

People who have undergone conversion therapy have reported increased anxiety, depression, and in some cases, suicidal ideation.

Being gay is not a sickness or a mental illness – The medical community hasn’t believed that since 1973. To quote psychiatrytoday.com

In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees removed homosexuality from its official diagnostic manual, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Second Edition (DSM II). The action was taken following a review of the scientific literature and consultation with experts in the field. The experts found that homosexuality does not meet the criteria to be considered a mental illness.

Openly gay people are not a sign of the collapse of society – LGTB men and women have been around since the dawn of humanity and have always been a part of the spectrum of human sexuality. LGTB people have existed even in places where the punishment for homosexual behavior was death. In some Native American tribes homosexuality and gender fluidity was not only tolerated, it was revered. To quote http://www.dancingtoeaglespiritsociety.org/

It is told that women engaged in tribal warfare and married other women, as there were men who married other men. These individuals were looked upon as a third and fourth gender in many cases and in almost all cultures they were honoured and revered. Two-spirit people were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, the caregivers They were respected as fundamental components of our ancient culture and societies

Gay men are pedophiles who abuse children and turn them gay – Every time I hear this one I slightly lose my mind, so I’m going to write this in all caps! THIS MYTH HAS BEEN WIDELY DISCREDITED MULTIPLE TIMES! IN STUDY AFTER STUDY OVER THE COURSE OF DECADES RESEARCH DOES NOT LINK HOMOSEXAULITY TO PEDOPHILA!!!!! To quote the Southern Poverty Law Center

According to the American Psychological Association, children are not more likely to be molested by LGBT parents or their LGBT friends or acquaintances. Gregory Herek, a professor at the University of California, Davis, who is one of the nation’s leading researchers on prejudice against sexual minorities, reviewed a series of studies and found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men.

The Child Molestation Research & Prevention Institute notes that 90% of child molesters target children in their network of family and friends, and the majority are men married to women. Most child molesters, therefore, are not gay people lingering outside schools waiting to snatch children from the playground, as much religious-right rhetoric suggests.

When children see a same-sex couple holding hands, kissing or locked in a loving embrace it won’t scar them or cause them to turn gay. – If two adults are showing affection in a fairly conservative way – holding hands, walking arm in arm and kissing – it’s not going to harm anyone else around them. A child is not going to suddenly think they are gay after observing two gay adults. Sexual orientation is deeply rooted into a person’s psyche. If you were to ask most LGTB people when they knew they were gay they would answer it’s something they’ve always known. No event flipped the switch in their heads from straight to gay. If anything young adults who come out sooner as LGTB are less likely to get married to a straight partner. They are less likely to live a confused and tortured existence. If a child who will ultimately grow up to be gay sees a loving same-sex couple together, they are more likely to grow up without self-hatred.

There is no “gay agenda” – I can’t even humor this one. The only “agenda” LGTB people have is to live like anyone else. They aren’t out to recruit the rest of the world or change anyone else’s sexual orientation.

LGTB men and women are not going to go back into hiding. No amount of hateful rhetoric, bullets or bombs that will stop anyone from being gay. We need to come out of the dark ages and accept people for who they are. I want to grab the father of the shooter and every other homophobe by both shoulders, look them dead in the eyes and scream

The real sickness in our culture is not homosexuals but the hatred and bigotry expressed towards them!

All the hate in the world can’t stop love, and sexual orientation is much more than just sex. LGTB men and women love their partners with the same intensity and devotion as any straight person would. Some people are gay, and the haters should just get used to it.

As a straight spouse myself, I’m always interested in how the media depicts our situations. In most cases I shake my head as I see cartoonish one-sided clichés. Lately it’s been Christian couples who have vowed to pray away the “same-sex attraction” in a miserable and strained marriage.

So I was a bit nervous about the new Netflix comedy, Grace & Frankie. The premise of the show involves a double divorce of two closeted men who have had a 20-year affair while married to women. In the first episode the announce they are leaving their wives for a new life together and hilarity ensues. Actually most of the humor comes from the unconventional friendship that develops between their two dissimilar wives – The hippie Frankie, played by Lily Tomlin and the former model turned beauty executive played by Jane Fonda. I genuinely loved the show, the characters are three-dimensional and multi-layered, the acting is brilliant and both straight spouses are extremely funny and sympathetic. As much as I liked it, I was somewhat frustrated by the sugar-coated Hollywood take on everything.

Since I write about being a straight spouse and have been very public about my story, I’ve encountered literally hundreds of other straight spouses. I’ve read their stories on private Facebook groups, and listened to harrowing details in my local straight spouse support group. No two mixed orientation marriages are quite the same, and our experiences do fall in a spectrum of outcomes. However, certain patterns are quite common and we often remark that we feel like we married the same person. There was so much good in Grace & Frankie but I feel the need to break down Hollywood fantasy vs. reality.

Hollywood– Both of the gay men find the courage to finally come out to their wives, and reveal their 20 year-long affair.

Reality – I’d say with full confidence that in probably 80-90% of mixed orientation marriages, the closeted spouse doesn’t disclose anything. Most of us find out the hard way after months or years of searching for evidence. In some truly horrific cases, a spouse finds out the truth accidentally.

Hollywood – 20 years of infidelity are forgiven rather easily and the relationships remain close and intact

Reality – For most spouses, finding out your partner was having a secret affair with his or her best friend for the past 20 years would be devastating. The pain and betrayal would cause so much damage, it would be quite difficult to repair any sort of relationship. A person might question literally everything. Which business trip was really a liaison? Which emergency meeting at work was really a hook-up? How many times did my spouse blatantly lie to my face? Twenty years of lies and betrayal are hard to forgive regardless of the circumstances.

Hollywood – Both couples have quick and simple divorces and both gay husbands are greatly concerned for the emotional and financial welfare of their wives.

Reality – How many couples have an “easy” divorce? Most drag on for several months if not years. Some partners do everything they can to block and stall to delay the inevitable. Just like any divorce, a straight spouse will endure multiple court cases, shady legal maneuvers, psych evaluations, hiding of assets and vicious custody battles. Some spouses are completely abandoned when their partner come out. As soon as they are open about their orientation they want to discard their old identity and life. Divorces between mixed orientation couples are no different than the general population – many are brutal, long, inequitable and devastating.

Reality – If a person has lived a lie for a couple of decades, they rarely switch to immediately proclaiming the truth. I’ve known straight spouses who have watched their exes marry a same-sex partner and STILL not label themselves gay, bisexual or even hetero-flexible. They simply insist they’re straight despite their new gay spouse. It’s baffling but it’s incredibly common. Some closeted partners are so self-loathing they retreat back into the closet and marry another straight partner.

Hollywood – Both couples are financially well off, and no one suffers economic ruin.

Reality – Most television shows center around wealthy people. The trials of paying bills on time and making ends meet just isn’t compelling and set designers would rather feature beautiful sprawling homes than sad depressing ones. Grace & Frankie is no different. Of course most straight spouses suffer tremendous financial problems from foreclosure to bankruptcy just like any other divorced couple.

Hollywood – Even though both women are in their 70’s there is seemingly a limitless supply of available partners. Both women have love interests almost immediately.

Reality – As much as loved Frankie & Grace – This is pure fantasy.

Hollywood – Both husbands admit fault for cheating, lying and destroying their marriage.

Realities – This one is probably the most egregious. Although I do know some closeted men and women who do take full accountability for their actions, many more admit no fault whatsoever. Excuses abound from

You knew I was gay the whole time

Everyone knew I was gay

My orientation had nothing to do with our divorce

You made me gay

If you were there for me I would have never turned to men/women

If you were just more understanding about my cheating we’d still be together

It was just sex, it meant nothing, I don’t know why you care so much

I’m not gay, I was never gay, I’m just working some things out

Very few people actually admit they have done anything wrong, in a mixed orientation marriage or otherwise.

Hollywood – Both gay husbands seem to have healthy psychological profiles and don’t have any personality disorders

Reality – Most of us learn through therapists that our exes are narcissists. Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions and have a tendency to blame everyone around them for whatever damage or chaos they’ve caused. They lack empathy and view themselves as the ultimate victim. Narcissists are often charming and charismatic but ultimately they are extremely difficult partners in a marriage. Of course our spouses do NOT represent the larger LGTB community as most LGTB people would never marry a straight person. Narcissism has nothing to do with sexual orientation but more to do with someone marrying another person under false pretense. Of course not all closeted men and women who marry straight partners are narcissistic but it is such a common problem that I would be remiss not to mention it here.

There were some things the show got spot on.

Denial & Co-dependence

One of the wives remains in a deep state of denial despite the obvious evidence. She accepts her husband is gay but continues to use him as her main source of emotional support. She acts out in very co-dependent ways and won’t accept that he’s treated her horribly. This is quite common for many straight spouses as denial is the glue that keeps these marriages together for so long. It’s difficult to suddenly turn on the light and see reality.

Resentment & Sadness

The show also captured the deep resentment and sadness that both women experience. In reality it would most likely stretch out much longer and be more intense, but at least the producers and writers allowed both characters to get angry, meltdown, and process real emotions. The disclosure wasn’t just a punchline, it given real gravitas.

Conflicted emotions in adult children

The adult children of both couples also expressed deeply conflicted feelings towards their fathers. As adults they still saw that their fathers had both cheated, lied and betrayed their mothers while setting them adrift in their old age. Despite their love for their dads, they couldn’t ignore their misdeeds.

Realistic gay couple

Another thing I liked about the show is that the gay partners act like any couple, they fight, they get frustrated with each other, they have bad communication skills but ultimately love each other very deeply. They were a fully dimensional and believable couple.

Most mixed orientation marriages would make extremely boring and sad television shows, Our lives don’t get nicely wrapped up in cute 30 minute episodes. Many of us live with emotional damage and shattered trust for years. With all of this though, I’m glad our stories are getting told at all. Just a decade ago it would have been unheard of to have a show explore this topic. I hope one day people may wonder why anyone would marry someone to hide the fact that they were gay. It simply won’t make any sense to do something so against one’s nature.

I laughed and cried while watching Grace and Frankie and I can’t wait for the next season. Even though it’s largely a best case scenario fairy tale, at least both straight spouses are sympathetic and likable and their struggles and obstacles are given respect. I’m thankful to both Fonda and Tomlin for having the courage to tackle this subject and to make an entertaining and funny show about it.

I don’t “Keep up” with the Kardashians. I’ve never watched a single episode of the original or the many spin-off shows about the most obnoxious American family. I purposefully try to ignore any Kardashian news entirely but it still seems to filter through. I know it all started with an “accidentally” leaked sex tape, a friendship with Paris Hilton and the O.J. Simpson trial. There was also a wedding and brief marriage that may have just been for the endorsements and publicity. The family is rich, shameless and made their fortune by doing not much of anything.

Kris Jenner is the woman at the helm of this narcissistic empire, and she’s not exactly likable. In some ways she’s the ultimate Disney villain – an aging yet glamorous woman obsessed with looking youthful, concerned about style over substance, dressed in the best clothing money could buy, and paranoid that her star will eventually fall. I will confess I’m not a fan, but I can’t help but feel a kinship towards her. I’m not rich, I don’t have reality show or any plastic surgery, but my ex-husband was a closeted gay man. When I made the discovery six years ago, my sanity, and financial wellbeing fell off a cliff. I’ve since met countless other straight spouses and some of them, like Kris, found out their husbands were secretly transgender. For many they discovered their husbands wanted to change their gender, but had also changed their sexual orientation and were now having sex with men. To use the word devastating to describe such situations would be a huge understatement. Even phrases like ‘soul crushing’, or ‘life destroying’ don’t really capture the personal torment these women go through.

Now before you exclaim “BUT KRIS KNEW BEFORE THEY WERE MARRIED!” you might want to hear what she had to say about it.

“Why would you want to be married and have kids if this is what you wanted since you were a little boy? Why would you not explain this all to me?

“He was married to me, and he wasn’t who he wanted to be, so he was miserable,” she said. “It was the most passive-aggressive thing I think I’ve ever experienced.”

“This was a conversation that took place in the early ’90s. So, what he was telling me happened a decade earlier, and he never really explained it,” she said. While Caitlyn said she had B cup breasts at the time, Kris said she thought it was a “man boob situation … there wasn’t a gender issue. Nobody mentioned a gender issue.”

“Jenner is emphatic that he told Kris he had taken hormones in the late 1980s up until the year they met, and was equally emphatic in saying there were other side effects besides breast growth,” Bissinger writes.

“He finds it implausible for her to suggest she was not aware of his gender struggle. But he does concede that ‘probably a mistake I made was maybe not having her understand—not the severity of it but that this is a condition you cannot get away from. From that standpoint maybe I blew it away a little bit, sort of ‘This is what I do.'”

From my experience, I’d say with full confidence, that in about 90% of these unions the straight spouse had no idea their partner was gay or trans before the marriage.. Caitlyn’s second wife Linda Thompson revealed that Jenner also didn’t disclose her dysmorphia until after their two sons were born. Caitlyn may have believed that she could control her inner conflict, or that it might eventually go away. Being transgender in many ways is much more difficult than being gay. A gay man can have sex with another man, even if he hates himself for it, or has to lie to do it. A transgender person looks in the mirror and sees a stranger staring back at them. It would be quite difficult to remedy the disconnect in your mind, especially 30 or 40 years ago when less was known about transgender people, and the topic wasn’t openly discussed.

I’ve seen the press bash Kris Jenner as being selfish, emasculating, narcissistic, and cruel towards her former spouse. Some of this might be true, but no one but the two people in the marriage have any idea what really happened. Most of what we know about their marriage is from a highly edited, manipulated and partially scripted reality show. The tabloids also chime in and they have never been known for their accuracy or ethical reporting.

Caitlyn has publicly said that her divorce was 80% because of poor treatment by Kris, and 20% because of her gender identity. I’m sure Kris would most likely have a far different opinion. It’s common for many closeted spouses to say very similar things after a split. They rarely blame their orientation, even though living a lie or in constant psychological torment is definitely going to affect a marriage. Kris didn’t marry a trans woman, she married a man. It’s incredibly difficult for the wives and husbands of transgender people to suddenly accept their partner’s new identity. For some it does work out, and both spouses learn to love the new normal, a few marriages even grow stronger. But for the vast majority of marriages it’s just too much. A straight woman may no longer be attracted to her husband now that she’s a woman, or the transition could be so overwhelming the marriage just can’t handle the strain. Transitioning is a long intense and expensive process that puts both partners on an emotional roller coaster. When a trans woman also proclaims she wants to date men, what’s left for her straight wife? I know infidelity did not play a role in the divorce of Kris and Caitlyn but I bring it up, because it’s so incredibly common in these situations.

We can celebrate Caitlyn for her bravery and strength without trashing her ex-wife. I’m not here to demonize Caitlyn or minimize what she has done for the trans community, but I get sick to my stomach when I see people dragging Kris through the mud over this. I can’t help but see my own divorce and remember the misguided nonsense I endured.

You turned him gay. (No one can turn a person gay)

You need to have more compassion for your ex-husband. (After 9 years of lies and betrayal)

How did you not know? (Because he lied to me from day one)

I can’t believe that you didn’t know you had to have known. (I had to assume my husband was a liar?)

You used your ex-husband (My ex-husband used me)

Your marriage was an arrangement (Yes, and that’s why will pulled our families into it, just to hurt as many people as possible)

You somehow prevented him from coming out sooner (His struggle was his own, and had nothing to do with me)

You are still using your ex-husband for publicity (No I’m actually doing this to help other straight spouses)

The tabloids will continue to rip into Kris without much concern. She’ll return to play the part of the over-bearing matriarch of a self-obsessed brood. We can’t forget that she’s not a cartoon character, but a human being. She just found out her former husband of 24 years is now a woman, and that’s never an easy thing to go through. Ironically thanks to the actions of Caitlyn, we might be closer to a world where a transgender person can be open and honest about themselves well before three marriages, 10 kids, multiple grandkids and their 65th birthday. As much as I can’t stand the Kardashian empire, I do have empathy for Kris Jenner. Caitlyn needed to come to grips with her identity by herself, and Kris had no control over any of it. Maybe they had a bad marriage, maybe they didn’t, but it has nothing to do with Caitlyn’s decision to live an open and authentic life. We can celebrate Caitlyn Jenner without trashing Kris. It would make a great reality show plot to have the straight person as the evil oppressor and the trans person as the ever suffering hen-pecked victim, but reality shows are not real life. In actual marriages things are far more complicated.

Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that,” Perry said. “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.

Conversion therapy – sometimes known as reparative or “sexual reorientation” therapy – is a dangerous practice based on the premise that people can change their sexual orientation, literally “converting” from gay to straight. Conversion therapy has been discredited or highly criticized by virtually all major American medical, psychiatric, psychological and professional counseling organizations.

People who have undergone conversion therapy have reported increased anxiety, depression, and in some cases, suicidal ideation.

You might also think that homosexuality is a disease, but the medical community would strongly disagree with you. To quote psychiatrytoday.com

In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees removed homosexuality from its official diagnostic manual, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Second Edition (DSM II). The action was taken following a review of the scientific literature and consultation with experts in the field. The experts found that homosexuality does not meet the criteria to be considered a mental illness.

I hate to break this to you but, gay men and women have existed in every culture on the planet, long before a few scant condemnations in the Old and New testaments of the Christian bible Despite the importance some Christians have placed on the evils of homosexuality, Jesus Christ didn’t think it was worthy of discussion.

Rick, do you ever wonder what happens to gay men and women when they try to force themselves to live a lie? Do you think that it’s just a matter of self-control? Do you think once they get married, settle down and have a few kids that those urges and attractions will vanish?

Well Rick, I’ve got news for you. Most mixed orientation marriages end catastrophically with both partners greatly damaged. I was in one of those marriages. I had no idea my husband was gay when I married him. He was full of so much self-hate about his sexual orientation he thought he could change himself. He was basically lying to me and everyone else close to him in his life for years. He tried desperately to change, but realized he couldn’t. He is gay. He was gay before we got married, he was gay during our marriage and he’s gay now. It’s a fundamental part him. It’s not a weakness of moral character, it’s not a lifestyle choice and it’s not an addiction. He lived in misery because he was desperately trying to be something he wasn’t. Now that he is out and proud, he’s a much happier person.

His self-loathing and shame came from the false belief that being gay is a fault or shortcoming. When I first confronted my ex-husband about his sexual orientation he would have given anything to change it. Luckily for both of us, he has grown to accept and love himself. We are both better off now living authentic lives and not trapped in a sham marriage.

There are millions of other straight spouses like me all over the country. Most of these marriages leave a path of destruction in their wake. I know women who have buried their husbands with full-blown AIDS, others who have contracted the virus from their spouse. I have heard of suicides and even homicides when these marriages disintegrate Parents who lose access to their children, and children who now have to split time between two homes. I’ve met damaged and broken men and women on both sides of these doomed partnerships. I suffered from a massive depression, I was nearly financially destroyed, I’ve had to accept that I’ll probably never have my own children and at my worst I was suicidal. It’s hardly been an easy road for me, and I know it’s a daily struggle for many of my straight spouse counterparts.

If our spouses were happier in their own skin, if they could envision a happy and healthy life for themselves, they never would have entered into these fraud marriages. If you claim to champion family values, you would never encourage a gay person to try to force themselves to be straight. You would never expect someone to try to change something so fundamental about themselves. Rick, do you think you could force yourself to live as a gay man? Do you think you would be happy if every day you had to live a lie?

Your words have consequences. You lead a state with over 26 million people. Every time you condemn homosexuality you reinforce the bullying, the discrimination and hate that leads to misery, self-destructive behavior and even suicide. LGTB youth are more than twice as likely to try to commit suicide than their straight peers. When you call for medical quackery like reparative therapy you cause more suffering. Homophobia affects more than just the gay people you target. The hate splinters out like broken shards of glass cutting into everyone around the intended target. Relationships between parents and children are destroyed and families are torn apart, and all for something that cannot be changed. My own life was greatly harmed by this nonsense and I’m not going to be silent when you perpetuate myths and misinformation.

Homosexuality is just another way of being human, and there are a lot of beautiful LGTB human beings in your state. They just want to live their lives authentically and without shame. They want to raise families and grow old with their partners. They just want to live like any other Texan. You can remain in the dark ages as states around the country legalize same-sex marriage and end discrimination against LGTB people. I know not every Texan agrees with you. Hopefully more and more of them will speak out against this bigotry. Which side of history do you want to be on?

A few of my friends have criticized me for what they view as “creepy” cyber sleuthing habits. Well, as I often say on stage, “My fairy tale is dead, my heart is black”, so yeah I’m not the most trusting person. For the purposes of this article, I won’t get into the specifics of my divorce but as the not so eloquent former President George W. Bush tried to say:

The truth is painful, and can hurt temporarily, but ultimately we are better off. The key to catching a cheater was almost always technology: phone, email, twitter, Facebook, and other forms of social media. Since I’ve been divorced I’ve learned to find out as much as possible about a person BEFORE I get seriously involved with them. The problem of course is that you can go too far, and misinterpret completely innocent things.

CAUTION: I don’t recommend using any of these tactics unless you’re in a serious committed relationship, AND you suspect your partner is cheating. Doing any of this for someone you are casually dating is total overkill and will just make you a neurotic mess. Cyber sleuthing is the nuclear option. DO NOT do this with every guy or gal you go on a date with, if you do, you’ve entered a place called CRAZYTOWN.

GOOGLE

Google is your best friend. You can find all sorts of stuff about a person with this search engine. Of course you should search for his or her name, but then you can go further with it. Search for blogs, images, videos, even news articles. You’d be surprised what shows up. I once found a blog that was in some ways a love letter to a guy I was dating at the time. In his case, it was a ex-girlfriend who was still completely obsessed with him. She lived in another city, but the way he reacted to my discovery made me completely certain that he wasn’t worth my time. He was clearly still infatuated with her, and it explained a lot of his non-committal behavior. There are other search engines such as Bing, or Yahoo, which are also helpful.

FACEBOOK

It’s an invaluable resource, as many users post an incredible amount of personal information on their profile. But again proceed with caution. If you have just started dating, then none of the following is a reason to worry, but if you’ve been exclusive for more than six months or so, consider any of these a red flag.

Does he/she post photos of you as a couple? – If he or she posts other personal information and photos with friends, it’s strange if they aren’t posting photos of you together. Why are they hiding you?

Have they changed their relationship status or is it blank? – Again, not everyone ispublic about these things, but if it’s a serious relationship that has gone on for a extended period of time and there is ZERO mention of you…that’s highly unusual.

Do they have tons of photos of themselves with an ex on their profile? – Of course there are mitigating circumstances with this one. If they share children with their ex, you should expect to see photos of them on their profile, especially if the kids are in the photo. If it’s a former spouse, that’s also more understandable. But if it’s a virtual shrine to some woman or man who is supposedly no longer intimately involved with them, that’s troubling behavior.

Are you ever mentioned in a status update? Do they make any public declarations about you? – It depends on how often they post, and how public your partner typically is on social media. If your partner is constantly posting, yet you’ve never been seen or spoken about…that’s cause for concern.

Do they have a separate album dedicated to a former partner? – This is just the height of tackiness. Now if you have just started dating, it’s no big deal. But if you’re at a point where you’re exclusive and you’ve been dating for an extended period of time, it’s just disrespectful to keep that on social media.

Backdoor tips when using Facebook – If you type a person’s name in the part where you search for something and just hold it, you will get a pulldown menu below, one of the options is simply called Photos of (Person’s Name) I’m going to use my own account to demonstrate this:

If you select that, then you can search for photos the person has “liked” in the past year.

I won’t include any actual photos as to protect the privacy others. But trust me, Facebook will show you quite a bit.

Another option in the same pull down menu is “Photos Commented on by (Person’s Name)”

Now of course, if your significant other is just liking another person’s photos that doesn’t mean much. BUT if all of their likes are gorgeous, women or hot guys….you might want to keep digging. The comments they make are even more revealing. Again, one comment, or one photo is no big deal, but if you find an overwhelming pattern or hundreds of examples, that’s a reason to worry. The handy thing about Facebook is that it dates nearly everything. So an excuse about correspondence being ancient history, is easily debunked.

What I don’t recommend – making fake profiles and trying to friend people under false pretenses to find more dirt. If you’re doing that, then you’re almost as bad as the cheater. You shouldn’t lie and use other people to get information about your partner. You never know how you could unintentionally hurt someone else, and honestly you probably won’t have to go to such extremes. Most people aren’t that skilled at hiding their philandering.

INSTAGRAM

Do a hashtag search of your partner’s full name. Trust me, you’d be surprised what you might find. I did this once with a man who was trying to hook up with me. When I did the hashtag search I found a photo of him with another woman. They looked very much like a couple. I clicked on the photo and then it was even more obvious that not only was this his girlfriend, but they had been dating for a fairly long time. On his account, he didn’t have a single photo of her. He had also neglected to feature her anywhere on his Facebook, or even mention her once. I felt sorry for her, as half of her account seemed dedicated to this relationship. When I confronted him about it, he admitted everything.

You could also hashtag nicknames, or search for the name of a person you think might be involved with your partner. Some more savvy users could block you from their account, but they’re only going to do that if they suspect your looking for information. In most cases, if your partner is cheating on you, the person he or she is sleeping with might not even know you exist.

TWITTER

Most people wouldn’t be this stupid, but former Congressman Anthony Weiner thought absolutely nothing of sending obscene photos to a user on twitter. You can scan through your partners tweets to find conversations he or she might have had with other users. Twitter isn’t even remotely private, so most skilled cheaters wouldn’t think of having incriminating discussions on that platform, but it’s worth the look. If you see the same user constantly engaging your partner, and you already suspect that person, it could just add to your pile of evidence. Yes, Anthony Weiner was this stupid…he thought sending this photo via twitter was a good idea.

EMAIL

Nowadays most people have passwords on their computers and other devices. But the passwords usually take a few minutes to click in, if your partner just used his or her email you might be able to search it with no problem. I don’t recommend doing this unless absolutely necessary. Hacking into another person’s email is highly unethical but if you are 99% sure that there is infidelity going on, and you need solid proof, there might not be any other way.

INTERNET HISTORY

A more savvy cheater knows to hide their viewing history when surfing the net. However, people get lazy and forget to do this all the time. I’ve met countless men and women who found out their spouse was cheating simply by checking their internet history online. Visits to dating or hook-up sites are especially difficult to explain, you might even find their profile.

*Anything online leaves a trail, all written correspondence is subject to screen shots and photographs. So email, text messages, twitter, blogs, etc. are all proof your partner is not being honest with you.

Always when in doubt use common sense and logic when dealing with a possible cheater. There’s another old saying:

“If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it’s a duck”

Your partner is not being forthcoming about your relationship – they never mention you on social media

You haven’t met their friends or family

They are overly secretive in general, they tell you very little about their background or personal life

They are constantly breaking dates at the last-minute

You never go out in public

They always have strange elaborate excuses for some of their behavior

They are hyper secretive about their phone, email use, or internet searches

They accuse you of cheating, or need to know your whereabouts at all times – cheaters often suspect their partners.

They have relationships with opposite or same-sex partners that seem too intense or obsessive for a normal friendship

These are all huge red flags, that you’re dealing with a cheating partner. DON’T LIVE IN DENIAL! Use the cognitive part of your brain to drown out the fluttery, irrational, romantic emotions and learn the truth. Everything you love and cherish could be a stake, don’t let someone treat you like a fool. From my own personal experience with this, I have no regrets about finding out the truth in my marriage. Both my former spouse and I are better off, and now we can both live our lives authentically.

Mixed orientation marriages are fraught with misunderstandings and misconceptions. When disclosure occurs many falsely believe that both partners are immediately healed. The most common comment I get is:

“So you guys are still friends?”

Second only to:

“Well you’re both doing great, right?”

Everyone wants a happy ending, but these marriages rarely resolve well. Of course not every mixed orientation marriage ends in divorce, and not every divorce is catastrophic. Regardless, in most cases life doesn’t go back to normal.

A few of my critics have argued that as a straight person I don’t face the same types of challenges my ex would as a newly outed homosexual. They’re completely correct – I have no idea what it’s like to come out as a gay person after concealing my sexual orientation for most of my life. I also have no understanding of what it might be like to grow up as a gay child, or to have my family reject me because of my sexual orientation.

The flip side of the dilemma is of course, that a gay person doesn’t know what it’s like to live as a straight spouse. Although our marriages run the spectrum, for many of us deception, infidelity and betrayal defined our partnerships. Taking the gay issue out of the equation, years of lies and cheating cause severe damage for anyone of any orientation. Our partner’s sexual orientation disclosure creates causes more obstacles.

When do we tell our children? – Will they be ridiculed because of it? Will they face depression or anger? Will the disclosure cause friction between our children and our former spouse? If the truth is accidentally revealed will our children get angry with us for hiding the truth? Some parents choose to keep this part of their marriage secret for years. To say that this is a difficult burden would be an enormous understatement.

What do we tell friends, family and co-workers? – Ultimately the reasons for our divorces are no one’s business. What happens though, is if we don’t give people a reason, they might invent one. I had to deal with so many rumors and outright lies after my marriage fell apart. Some criticized me for publicly outing my ex-husband on social media, even though my ex-husband and I had both agreed that for us it was the best way to handle it. Many straight spouses enter into a closet that our spouses left, some hiding the truth for decades.

Have I been exposed to HIV? – Even though HIV isn’t the automatic death sentences it once was, people are still dying from AIDS. Of course HIV exposure is a risk with any cheating spouse, but the chances of infection are higher if the spouse is engaging in high risk behavior. I’ve met more than one woman who have recently buried their spouses from full-blown AIDS. Some extremely unfortunate partners have contracted the virus from a cheating spouse.

How do we live down the stigma? – Just as LGTBQ people have to deal with prejudices and hatred so do straight spouses. I’ve gotten comments such as:

You had to have known he was gay

You turned him gay – this one happens more than you would think, I even once got it from an openly gay man. I wish i had the power to change a person’s sexual orientation but that’s not a super power I posses.

There’s something wrong with you, and that’s why you married a gay man

You’re gay yourself

You’re sexually repressed, frigid or hate sex

Your ex is bisexual, no one is gay or straight everyone is bisexual – the term is sexual fluidity and I respectfully disagree with their opinion about human sexuality.

Your poor husband, that must have been so awful for him – I would never deny that it was easy for my ex, but it’s really the worst thing to say to me right off the bat

Maybe your ex is just using it as an excuse – Are you sure he’s gay?

Gay people are disgusting, evil and against God – people who make comments like these usually expect me to chime in.

Severely damaged sexuality – There is no way to sugarcoat this one. Most straight spouses experience major problems with their own sexuality and self-esteem. It’s soul crushing to discover that the person you thought was the love of your life had little to no sexual attraction to you. To act as if we can simply brush this off and go back to a normal life is naive at best. Of course we do heal and move on with our lives but the negative sexual aspect of our marriages cannot be denied.

It’s not easy to date again – That’s true of any divorced person especially past the age of 35. I have no idea how difficult it is for gay men and women in the dating scene. I would never even try to speculate at the specific challenges LGTBQ men and women face every day. I just know my own experience has been bleak. I’m nearly five years out and have had nothing even close to a normal relationship. I’m somewhat isolated in my job, I’m over 35, I live in a big city, I have massive trust issues and difficulty bonding – whatever the reason I’m perpetually alone.

Our unique circumstances separate us from the general divorced population. We have a suicide rate that’s over three times as high as people going through a typical divorce. Anecdotally I’ve found most of us have problems with bonding and trust and many of us have difficulty forming intimate relationships.

I’m not writing this to discourage straight spouses. I just want to counter some of the biggest misconceptions about our experiences. These marriages cause extreme damage to both partners. Any privilege we have as straight people in a homophobic society doesn’t equal the destruction to our self-esteem, sexuality, trust and shattered families. It’s not easy for us, or our closeted gay partners. Despite the estimated 2 million people affected, the straight spouse community is largely hidden and underground. Many of us suffer in isolation without knowledge that there are so many others.

I have nothing but love and empathy for LGTBQ people, and I hope that one day no LGTBQ person will enter into a fraudulent marriage. If two people want to openly forge a mixed orientation marriage knowing the truth, that’s something else entirely. Marriages like mine based on lies, are not victimless situations. I will continue to write about being a straight spouse and be an advocate for our community until this finally stops being a problem. I have tremendous hope for future generations. LGTBQ people will be able to marry and live whomever they want. Until then I will share the brutal realities in the hopes that truth will set us free.

I wondered when it would happen, then a few months ago, it hit me. After countless bad dates and a dating scene that feels like a wasteland, I’ve finally become comfortably numb. It’s not what I expected. I thought I would be more negative and more jaded, but it’s honestly somewhat comfortable. My expectations have just hit rock bottom.

When I first left my marriage I was completely unprotected. My heart was overly sensitive, my mind ravaged with depression and my instincts set at high alert. I needed to calm the beast, or I never would have survived. I used to cry after bad dates, usually on the subway home. As soon as I would just sit down, I’d mildly lose it. I don’t think I had unrealistic expectations. Multiple bad dates had trained me not to think beyond the first encounter. Then on the rare occasions I had a second date, I taught myself not to get too excited. I’ve only made it to three dates with one man. We had hardly gotten serious, we hadn’t had sex yet when he had a slight meltdown. In his case, I don’t think it had anything to do with me. From what he told me, he had some seriously unresolved issues with his ex. Unresolved issues with exes is just a reality for people over 35.

Some guys would rather remain virtual. I sort of “dated” a guy who just wanted to email. He claimed he wanted to see me, but then created countless obstacles. I lived in Brooklyn and he lived in Manhattan, so it shouldn’t have been that difficult. He also wasn’t over his ex, and I suspect was still trying to get back together with her. I’ll never understand why I kept talking to him, or what was going on in his head. I found out months after I gave up, he found a good match and they are inseparable.

I’ve had a few casual flings. I forced every jealous atom inside of me to stay cool. Hooking up with guys when I knew they had other women in their lives, wasn’t easy. It really took Herculean strength to not react, to tell myself that it didn’t matter, we weren’t serious, this won’t lead to anything. I managed to stay calm, but inside I was miserable.

They haven’t all been bad. I had a strong connection with one guy. We found out on the date we were both straight spouses. His wife left him for a woman, and I thought that maybe our shared experience might work to our advantage. Despite obvious warning signs that he was clearly not over his ex-wife, we made out in his car for over an hour. It was highly unusual for me, as I usually don’t even kiss a guy on a first date. Then he completely blew me off. I guess the situation was too much for him, I don’t know. I can’t remember his name or face.

Now I still have a few men who hover but do little else. They might send a dick pic, or a request for sexting that will lead absolutely nowhere. I’ve learned I’m not the only recipient for their x-rated self-portraits. If I say I’m interested in something more, they tend to bolt. Of course I still get harassed on the street by any number of men of all ages. I guess that might end when I have to use a walker or cane to get around.

The worst was my rebound relationship, something I never should have gotten myself into. It was completely exhilarating, but ultimately soul crushing. I had so many conflicted feelings towards him, at least two years after the fact. Now I don’t see him. I have no idea what’s going on in his life, and I have no desire to find out. I harbor no ill will, but I also don’t want any contact with him.

I’ve become someone I would have never recognized five years ago. But in a way it’s not completely awful. It’s not what I thought it would be. I’m not angry or bitter, just numb. I take everything men say and do with a grain of salt. So what if the guy sent me several texts in a row – It doesn’t mean anything until he backs it up with actions. I rarely text anyone because I can’t stand being blanked back. I would rather just have nothing than the feeling of being ignored.

I just stopped caring. So what if the guy from OKCupid sends me eight emails only to cancel the same night as our date. I don’t even blink if some man rants about his “bitch ex-wife” for half the date. It no longer surprises me, if he insults what I do for a living, or complains about my crappy neighborhood. This is dating after 35 in a city where only the strong survive, and you’ll be judged on everything your job, neighborhood, past relationships, pets, hobbies even your hometown.

Some of my dates have been so rude and so horrible that if I recreated them in a movie, I would be accused of being too fantastical. I try to keep an open mind, stay positive and keep moving forward. My horrible experiences have given me armor. I rarely have crying fits on the subway anymore. I’ve just learned to block the disappointments out. Most divorced people never think they are going to end up like this. Few of us expect this as our future. If we learn more from our failures, I’ll be a genius by the time I finally meet a compatible match. 🙂

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I have a litmus test that I use when meeting new people. When I reveal why I got divorced – the way a person responds tells me all I need to know about them. Because of this blog, and my advocacy for the straight spouse community, my story is extremely public. I’ve gotten comments like:

That’s impossible, you had to have known he was gay.

Then he was bisexual because no gay person can have sex with a straight person.

Homosexuality is sinful, disgusting, immoral, against God.

What an asshole – I hate f*ggots.

You turned him gay.

So do you hate gay men now?

Many who start trashing LGTB people expect me to chime right in. It usually unnerves them when instead of joining them I immediately defend the LGTB community. The gay haters expect me to agree with them because my life was negatively impacted by a gay person’s actions. What they don’t understand is that I believe that my ex-husband was born gay, and that his sexual orientation was in no way shape or form a choice. I also understand that if he wasn’t filled with so much self-hatred about being gay, he probably wouldn’t have married a straight woman. He was desperate to try to suppress his sexual orientation and a lot of his motivation was due to self-loathing. I also know that my ex-husband does not represent the entire LGTB community and his actions are his own. The factor that indirectly lead to our marriage was – homophobia – the fear and hatred of homosexuality.

At the same time because I keep writing about the topic of Straight Spouses, some LGTB people have accused me of being homophobic. Some comments I’ve gotten:

Mixed orientation marriages are very nuanced.

Gay issues have nothing to do with you.

You are not allowed to write about your marriage – only your own experience.

It’s impossible for a straight person to be victimized by a gay person, because gay people have such a rough time of it.

You have no idea how hard it is to grow up as a gay child.

These same people will also say I’m playing the victim, yet in their own statements they are proclaiming their own greater victimization. I admit I don’t know anything about growing up gay, but then a LGTB man or woman doesn’t know anything about being in a fraudulent marriage or living as a straight spouse. Trying to compare each other’s personal experience or pain is a circular argument that gets both sides nowhere. We have both suffered and the cause of our torment is from the same source – homophobia.

I could show the people who accuse me of being anti-gay the stacks of hate mail I’ve gotten when I’ve been published in support of the LGTB rights. I might show them screen shots of the pure vitriol on my twitter account when I’ve dared to speak out in support of same-sex marriage or criticize a company like Chick-Fil-A for it’s anti-gay policies. In fact my destroyed marriage has made me even more passionate about gay rights. Homophobia is an equal opportunity destroyer, it hurts not just LGTB people directly but radiates out to negatively affect loved ones, family members and of course straight spouses. My ex-husband’s self hatred and fear of his sexuality is exactly what motivated him to enter into a sham marriage.

No two straight spouse situations are exactly the same. Some met their partners at a young age before either one of them truly understood their sexuality. Others are so deep in denial that they truly can’t comprehend their own sexuality and have no intention of misleading their spouse. Some closeted partners remain faithful and do not have any sexual encounters outside the marriage. However in the majority of cases our stories are far more tragic. Many of our spouses had homosexual encounters before marriage and hid their background. Lying about one’s history is a form of deception or fraud, regardless of the circumstances.

A few Straight Spouses I’ve known have had to bury their husbands with full-blown AIDS, some have even contracted HIV from a cheating spouse. Others find themselves embroiled in vicious custody battles which drag on for years. A few are completely abandoned physically and emotionally once their spouses are finally open about their sexuality. Many Straight Spouses are financially ruined. In the most twisted cases a closeted spouse will retreat even deeper into denial and marry another straight partner. Many won’t even identify as bisexual but will insist they are straight, despite hard evidence of numerous affairs and sexual trysts with same-sex partners. Some create complicated lies to push all responsibility and blame on their spouses. A few even claim their former spouses made them gay. All of this behavior is a direct side effect of the hatred and fear of homosexuality. Without homophobia there would be no reason for a LGTB person to enter into a mixed orientation marriage under false pretenses. These marriages often leave both partners extremely damaged and is hardly a victimless crime.

When people in the LGTB community want to negate what happens in mixed orientation marriages they are hurting their larger cause. Straight Spouses are living proof that the hatred of homosexuality impacts more than just LGTB men and women. If anti-gay forces could actually see what their policies were causing – divorce and broken families – they might reconsider trying to pressure LGTB people to live as heterosexuals.

Every group of human beings includes a few narcissistic, selfish and even sociopathic individuals. Many people who marry others under false pretenses tend to share some of these personality traits. It is not to say that these few represent the majority of the LGTB community. Most LGTB people would never marry a straight person. A generation ago it happened much more often, because hatred towards LGTB people was far more pronounced. Hopefully as LGTB men and women are more accepted, and have equal rights, fewer LGTB people will feel the need to live a lie. I have empathy for those who hate themselves so much that they enter into these marriages, but they lose my sympathy when they will not take responsibility for any harm they caused. In many cases the deceptive spouse refuses to take any accountability. Being gay and having a difficult childhood does not absolve anyone of the responsibility of hurting other people. Just imagine if every minority group tried to argue that every individual in their group had immunity for their actions due to their oppression – no one would buy that argument. Homophobia is a mitigating factor, but a liar and a cheater is still responsible for his or her infidelity and deception. Of course some mixed orientation marriages are open and honest. If these marriages work for the two people involved in the partnership, good for them. Unfortunately most mixed orientation marriages are based on massive deception.

I can’t speak for all Straight Spouses. I’ve met a few who for religious or personal reasons, do no agree with homosexuality. I can say though with some confidence most Straight Spouses want what the majority of LGTB people want – a culture that accepts being gay as normal as being heterosexual. By speaking our truth and sharing our stories we are proof that a life inside “the closet” has real victims. Both spouses are harmed by these sham marriages as are our families. It would make my life much easier to hide and not speak about this, but people need to know the ugly reality of what happens when LGTB men and women try to force themselves to live a lie. There is nothing wrong with being gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or any of the many varied forms of human sexuality between consenting adults. Straight Spouses do not hold the entire LGTB community responsible for the actions of our spouses. We do NOT condemn LGTB people for being authentic and living their lives openly – no matter what their orientation. Deception and lies, however wreck nothing but havoc and the reality of our situations needs to be exposed. This is not a Straight Spouse vs. LGTB situation. We’re really on the same team. Straight Spouses shouldn’t be forced into the closet our former partners just left. As uncomfortable as our stories might make some people, they need to be heard. A gay person may have hurt us badly, but that doesn’t mean we are against gay people. In fact we want LGTB men and women to live as normal a life as anyone and for all marriages to be based on love and honesty – not deception and fear.

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NBC’s new Thursday night comedy, Sean Saves the World stars Sean Hayes as a gay single dad who suddenly finds himself the full-time parent of a teenaged girl. I’m excited about any show which features a gay parent. It’s also great to see another show tackle a mixed orientation marriage, like Fran Drescher‘s “Happily Divorced“. As a straight spouse myself, it’s good to see anyone telling our stories. Many straight spouses continue to hide the sexual orientation of their former partner or at least stay private about the reasons for their divorce. Most people have no idea around 2 million straight spouses live throughout the country, in every economic, racial and cultural background.

Sean Saves the World has only aired one episode, and here is what we know so far about the characters:

Now that she is living with her father full-time, his daughter Ellie suddenly thinks to ask. “If your gay, how did mom and you have sex?”

To which Sean responds, “Gay, tried not to be, was, was again, was one more time because it was not unpleasant…am”

So the character knew he was gay before he entered into a marriage with a straight woman. He either misled his bride about his true orientation, or she knew and thought they could work through it. Their specific past is left ambiguous. He never once says to his daughter that he hurt his ex-wife, or that he made a mistake when he married a straight woman. I guess no child wants to hear that she is the product of a mistake, but he could have shown at least some empathy towards his ex.

Sean’s ex-wife Jill decides to take a job out-of-town, and Ellie makes the choice to live with her dad full-time to stay in the same school.

So far the premise is perfectly reasonable although most single parents would at least wait four years until their kids are out of high school. Relocations are a common issue with shared custody agreements. The point where the show started to physically hurt me came early when Sean’s mother played by Linda Lavin exclaims, “She (Ellie) has been abandoned, she has no one.”

Sean then tries to defend his ex-wife “Jill didn’t abandon her, she took a job.”

Later in the episode the daughter laments, “I was abandoned, and she sucks (Her Mother)”

I know these are fictional characters but I couldn’t help but think of the same woman, watching her marriage dissolve soon after the birth of her child. That is hardly an easy situation under any circumstance. So far the viewer knows very little details. We know their marriage ended soon after the birth of their daughter but that’s about it. Did his ex-wife know he was gay? Or did she have to find out the hard way? From the character’s own admission it would seem infidelity had something to do with it. There is also no mention of a second husband, so we are to assume, Jill is still unmarried and raised her daughter as a single parent. Unfortunately for most straight spouses we find out the true sexual orientation of our partners after years of betrayal, secrets and lies.

Television producers have long been obsessed with single dads. Although in reality, most primary single parents are mothers, network executives can’t get enough of the fish out of water scenario of the harried father trying to raise children. Notable examples include such classic shows as, The Andy Griffith Show, My Three Sons, Full House, Different Strokes, Blossom, Punky Brewster, My Two Dads, Two and Half Men, Full House, Silver Spoons, Who’s the Boss, The Nanny, Arrested Development, and Louie. So many shows feature single fathers a comprehensive list is at www.TVDads.com

My hunch is that NBC wanted to give Hayes his own vehicle, and decided to go with the popular single dad storyline. I get it, and again I’m glad to see a positive portrayal of a gay single parent. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with anyone’s parenting skills, and it’s about time another sitcom followed the lead of the extremely popular Modern Family in which two gay men lovingly raise an adopted daughter.

I just wish the straight spouse wasn’t vilified. Many of us have gone through absolutely dreadful experiences, especially with divorces involving children. In some circumstances when the gay half of these mixed orientation marriages comes out of the closet, they find themselves eager to re-live the years they lost. Some regress so strongly, they quickly forget about the responsibilities of parenting altogether. Others might fight viciously for full custody when they were the ones who lied, cheated and may have even exposed their spouses to STD’s including HIV.

Sean Saves the World is extremely formulaic and over uses canned laughter throughout. Hayes is a likable actor with great comic timing, physical comedy and intensity. The writing is nowhere near the level of Will and Grace the long-running hit that made his career. Chances is are, Sean Saves the World won’t make it a season as it scored a 43% on Metacritic and has had disappointing ratings. Despite its name, a television sitcom isn’t going to change the world. I just wish instead of showing a warped, biased view of a mixed orientation marriage they might have made a show about a gay parent in a loving relationship, or at least made his ex-wife an actual character on the show.

I can’t help but think of the fictional Jill holding her newborn daughter and hearing the following words from her new husband, “I’m gay.” Instead of raising her child with a man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with, she is going to have to raise her with the part-time help of the self-admitted “fun weekend dad.” Most of us don’t immediately bounce back after finding out our marriages were fraudulent. Many straight spouses continue to have a strained if not openly combative relationship with their former partners, and a few are flat out abandoned. Maybe the show will turn around and become a huge hit, but if it does I would love to see more equitable treatment of one of the few straight spouses on television. Reality doesn’t make for a fun wacky sitcom I guess.

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