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Money = love

Growing up my father was never a nuturing man. He also didn’t seem to be able to speak the words I love you, although he could write them on cards. Sometimes it would just say “Love, Dad”, well most of the time.

Last Tuesday I wrote C’s mother a very heartfelt and long letter. It is now Sunday night and I have not heard from her. I did however receive a birthday card with a $50.00 gift card to Hastings. It reminds me of my father. He didn’t know how or didn’t want to emotionally connect to me or to my feelings. So instead on holidays or birthdays (if he remembers it, which no he did not this year) he would give me gifts. Or randomly he would take me to book stores and buy me books and gifts. It wasn’t that I didn’t want the gift, because who doesn’t want gifts? It was that it meant we could push things under the rug and not have to talk about them. This is exactly what C’s mother is doing in my opinion. Eventually C will confront her and I hate that she even has to be apart of all of this. There is no logical reason for her mother to dislike me, she just does apparently. And now that we are engaged (over a year now), things have shifted very obviously. I am not sure what to make of all of this. I am not sure I genuinely care either. I think the only reason I do is because I know this hurts C. I know that she so desperately wants her mother and I to get along, to go have coffee, to go shopping together, to just spend time together. I cannot force this puzzle piece to fit where it does not belong.

Speaking of my father, I have called him a few times in the last week. He has not bothered to return my calls, nor did he remember my birthday. Did I mention before that my half sister (one of two he abandoned when they were toddlers) also has the SAME birthday as me. I guess I’m not alone in my misery over that then. It’s a hard thing to know a parent doesn’t remember or doesn’t care to at least say Happy Birthday. This is part of the reason I cried, in the bar, on my birthday.

BUT, next weekend C is taking me away for the weekend for my birthday. She has made plans and I hope it will go much better than this weekend did. I have one more day of vacation tomorrow and then I go back to work. Our new receptionist starts then too, so I will be a busy bee training her. I have also started selling Scentsy. I am excited about that, because I REALLY love their products.