Dear V: My neighbors are really into kinky PDA…

Dear V,

I just moved in to my new apartment near campus and something strange happened. I looked out my window, and I saw my neighbors having sex. They were up against their window! And, I mean, they’re attractive enough, it’s just really uncomfortable when I come home from a long day at school to have to see that. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about this, and this is just a constant reminder of my lack of a love life. Do I approach them? Do I call my landlord? What if I see these people around school? PLEASE HELP.

Sincerely,

Blue Ball Brian

Dear Peeping Tom,

People pay good money for porn – you should be happy you’re getting a live show for free.

If we’ve learned anything from marathon-watching “Friends,” you should know that you should enjoy this while it lasts, these people will inevitably get older and, chances are, fatter. Granted, you probably won’t be living in that apartment that long, but the lesson you should take from this is to bask in knowing that you’re paying for basic cable while getting a free peep show.

As far as approaching them … don’t. These people know they’re on display, no one has sex in front a window for privacy. Let them get their kinks, just because you’re in the middle of a dry spell doesn’t mean you have to ruin everyone else’s fun.

The reason you’re so obsessed with this is because you’re secretly enjoying it – don’t lie. You probably get home and watch them for a little bit before you decide it’s too weird and close your blinds. Oh, and by the way, if you don’t want to see it, you should probably close your blinds. Or if you don’t have those, invest in some curtains.

There are more than 400,000 people living in the city of Miami. The chance that these two are University of Miami students is slim.

Do yourself a favor and stop whining about your love life – a watched pot never boils.

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.