FIA updates superlicence rules

The FIA has updated its controversial new F1 superlicence rules to include a requirement that qualifying drivers must have said ‘for sure’ at least 100 times in the previous 12 months.

Under today’s revised ruling, a driver applying for the top level competition licence must also present evidence that they have said ‘the guys have done a good job’ in a joyless monotone at least once a month during the previous year.

In order to qualify for a superlicence a driver must also demonstrate that in the past six months they have worn a branded baseball cap for at least 90 percent of their waking hours, that they have been forced to speak with pained enthusiasm about a dull road car to which their name and/or likeness has been attached, or that they have appeared in a moderately embarrassing advert for a product or service they patently do not use.

The FIA emphasised that drivers can earn points towards a superlicence in other ways, such as posting uninteresting pictures of themselves in the gym on Twitter or posing for pictures with a team mate they plainly don’t trust and/or like.

Points will also be earned for spending downtime on a yacht, especially if the driver is in the company of a hot girlfriend or, under something known as “The Raikkonen Exemption”, gets ratfaced and falls off the top of it.