Monday, December 31, 2007

How To Look Good Naked: Carson Kressley hosts this reality series in which women are taught to accept the way they look. The show's focus on looks would seem to merely further the stereotype that looks are all important and nothing else really matters.

Miss America: Reality Check: Beauty queens are taught by celebrities to unlearn everything they know about pageant basics and learn instead about the real world, because nobody needs or deserves help in the United States more than a former Miss America.

New Amsterdam: Kind of a Highlander mixed with a male-Cinderella. He is an immortal New York homicide detective. The catch is he'll only begin to age when he finds true love. Will he ever find his really, really real soulmate? Male cliches and the Peter Pan complex are studied in depth.

Cashmere Mafia: The story of three women who all have Ivy League educations, and have became CEOs by the time they are 30. No pressure girls, really.

Lipstick Jungle: The story of three women who all have high-powered Ivy League educations, and have became high-powered CEOs by the time they are 30, and the big twist is that they live in high-poweredManhattan. Brooke Shields says goodbye to the last of her career.

Parking Wars:"If you've ever received a parking ticket then you don't want to miss this fascinating new series. In 'Parking Wars,' viewers get a behind-the-scenes look at the lives of the men and women who work for the Philadelphia Parking Authority." No, I'm not kidding.

Make Me a Supermodel: the latest reality modeling competition series. Each week, viewers will get to vote on which aspiring model will get to stay on the catwalk and who will have to pack their bags and head for home. Viewers are encouraged to hate themselves for watching.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles: Sarah trys to protect her teenage son, John, from harm. The Terminator is a cyborg girl who is about the same age as John. A morality play that involves lessons in both abstinance education and the dangers of evil fembots.

I think that we need to start the year off right with some tunes by the Eurythmics. My favorite song sung by Annie Lennox was the haunting "Julia" from the film 1984. I loved all of the music from that film. It is sad to note that in light of what some of the Republican candidates are saying today that the song, "Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves" is actually more relevant now than it was then.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

[...] One voter challenged him to explain how he'd continue paying for the estimated $720 million being spent on the Iraq war each day.

"Are you going to cut student loans?" she asked. "Are you going to cut Social Security? Are you going to raise taxes?"

McCain acknowledged the war's high cost but said the nation would be paying a higher price — the loss of more American lives — if it ended the war prematurely, because chaos and genocide would follow.

"It's going to be a heavy tax burden, but not nearly the burden we'd be paying in American blood had we surrendered in Iraq," McCain said. He added that he would not raise taxes but would eliminate wasteful spending.AP

$720 million a day is spent on the Iraq war, and McCain calls it justified? And he is going to find $720 million a day in "wasteful spending" to make up for it?

Saturday, December 29, 2007

BETHLEHEM, West Bank -- Robed Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests went at each other with brooms and stones inside the Church of the Nativity on Thursday as long-standing rivalries erupted in violence during holiday cleaning.

The basilica, built over the grotto in Bethlehem where Christians believe Jesus was born, is administered jointly by Roman Catholic, Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic authorities. Any perceived encroachment on one group's turf can set off vicious feuds.

On Thursday, dozens of priests and cleaners came to the fortress-like church to scrub and sweep the floors, walls and rafters ahead of the Armenian and Orthodox Christmas, celebrated in the first week of January. Thousands of tourists visited the church this week for Christmas celebrations.

But the cleanup turned ugly after some of the Orthodox faithful stepped inside the Armenian church's section, touching off a scuffle between about 50 Greek Orthodox and 30 Armenians.

Palestinian police, armed with batons and shields, quickly formed a human cordon to separate the two sides so the cleaning could continue, then ordered an Associated Press photographer out of the church.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Dr. Monkerstein and I finally have the results of our Simian Secret Santa event. We would like to thank everyone for participating! I hope that this list is complete, and I have not left anyone out. Please tell me if there are any mistakes. This is a great chance to see some blogs that perhaps you have not seen before. The links to the Secret Santa blogger's post about the Christmas present are on the left, and the recipient blogger's profile and blog link are on the right. Merry Christmas from Dr. Zaius and Dr. Monkerstein!

For Bubs we got this keen supervillian escape vehicle, just like Ernst Stavros Blofeld uses! Guaranteed to be used as a convenient reason to show up in the sequel!

For Commander Other we got this great Atomic Energy Lab, so he can experiment with the local flora and fauna. Atomic Energy Labs like this were used to create giant monsters in many vintage horror and science fiction films!

We got Germaine Gregarious a m-14a pulse rifle (with ammo), just like Ripley's! Just the thing to have around the house in case of "emergencies."

For Mathman6293 we got this swell ENIAC pocket calculator! Everybody knows that when it comes to computers, size is everything. Mark my words, I predict that octal-base radio tubes and thermionic valves will make a big comeback this year!

And for all of those that signed up but forgot to get a present for their Secret Santa partner, we got this nifty lump of coal crafted in the shape of the loofah that is permanently lodged in Bill O'Reilly's lower intestine. I'm not naming names, except to say this whole thing was Germaine Gregarious' idea, and she is one of the bloggers that signed up and forgot to get a present for her Simian Secret Santa partner!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

No time for blogging today! I'm busy helping Germaine Gregarious re-create Hurricane Katrina for Grover Norquist in a bathtub. He struggled at first, but in the end we managed to persuade him with some advanced political theory and a golf club. (I wanted to use a 3-iron, but Ms. Gregarious felt that the 7-wood would have a more lasting impact.) In the meantime you can watch these swell Julie London music videos! I have her singing "Daddy","Fly me to the Moon", and "Cry Me A River".

Ron Paul doesn't care about black people, or at least feels that 95% of them are criminals. From a 1992 article from Ron Paul's self-published newsletter, The Ron Paul Political Report:

Ron Paul: Indeed, it is shocking to consider the uniformity of opinion among blacks in this country. Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5% of blacks have sensible political opinions, i.e. support the free market, individual liberty, and the end of welfare and affirmative action…. Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the "criminal justice system," I think we can safely assume that 95% of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.

If similar in-depth studies were conducted in other major cities, who doubts that similar results would be produced? We are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, but it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings, and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers.Think Progress

No time for blogging today! I have decided that in my never-ending endeavor to be extra-Christmasy that I should spend the morning actually being a Christmas tree! (If you drink enough egg nog, almost anything sounds like a good idea.) It's not so bad really, except the electric lights are making my needles turn brown. In the meantime, I hope that you have a swell Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 24, 2007

No time for blogging today! Ms. Greagarious and I are busy wishing all of the blogosphere a Merry Christmas Eve! Yes, that means you! Merry Christmas, as well! In the meantime, you can watch these swell videos. I've got the feature length Frank Capra film "It's a Wonderful Life," the Star Wars Holiday Special Part 1 and Part 2, and Kelly Clarkson singing "O Holy Night". I am also going to repeat this amazing video from day 2 which has David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing "Little Drummer Boy" for Distributorcap, because it is such a great video.

I got there well before 7:00 because Big Lucy was offering an all-you-can-eat special on the night crawlers buffet for Christmas Eve. When I got there, Jon the intergalactic gladiator was drinking heavily, and Monkerstein had already put a large dent in the buffet. I was surprised to see Sleestak in leg warmers - but to each his own, I guess. I thought that leg warmers were a bit too casual for a fine dining and discothèque atmosphere like Big Lucy's.

We all chatted briefly, but we kept the topics light. As Frank Zappa once said, "never discuss philosophy or politics in a disco environment." Before disco, this country was an intellectual wasteland. After disco the Republicans took over, and suddenly even wastelands looked good.

Dr. Smith gave a brief introductory speech that was interrupted repeatedly by his running mate, Marcia Brady. The disco lights were set in motion, Big Lucy fired the starting gun, and we were off!

All of the candidates were dancing up a storm. Everybody was really good, but Ms. Gregarious and I tore up the floor! We boogie-oogie-oogied left, we shama-lama-ding-donged right, and we got down with our bad selves in the best way possible. The pumping-poopie rhythms and unflagging lyric repetition made us into unrelenting disco zombies!

At one point I got my goove thang caught in Ms. Gregarious' secret poison capsule compartment, but with the aid of a butter knife and a fondue fork we were disengaged and "Bustin' Loose" in half a moment, and flexing our disco moves, shaking our respective booties and wagging our Disco Duck tail feathers once again.

Just as Ms. Gregarious and I began to "do th' Hustle," Sleestak got too close to the Disco inferno and caught Dance Fever! He had to be rushed from the dance floor and given a cold compress and an Evian. (You have to be careful, without treatment a severe case of Dance Fever can quickly become Boogie Fever, or worse.)

Ms. Gregarious and I were clearly going to be the winners, when all of a sudden Homeland Security rushed in and arrested the lot of us! I am entirely innocent of the charges, but i am not sure that I can say the same of Dr. Monkerstein...

Chris Chaos bailed us out within the hour, and we returned home to eat some of GETkristiLOVE's leftover monkey cake. I was so downhearted, I had to eat two slices!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

We finally have most of the Christmas ornaments up on the west wing. Now for the entry hall! But before we tackle that project, I wanted to take this extra christmasy moment to share with you a particular song by Tom Lehrer. It's a christmas carol. Unfortunately I am unable to find a video of the song that has Tom Lehrer singing it, but I did find a video of the song by a fellow named Robert Kwakkelstein that is not too bad. I am sure that you will agree that the message conveyed is certainly an accurate portrayal of the Christmas season as we celebrate it here in the United States. I have also included the lyrics below. This is my favorite Christmas carol ever! I also have the video to another holiday song by Tom Lehrer, "I'm Spending Hanukkah in Santa Monica". You can hear more of Tom Lehrer's music at this link.

xmaslehrers

I did find two other versions of Tom Lehrer's Chrismas carol "spoken" by right wing Bush apologist Christopher Hitchens, [ 1, 2 ] and they are so bad I almost hate to mention them, except to point out what a ridiculous blowhard Hitchens is. His pompus introductions to the Lehrer's Chrismas carol are longer than the song!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Why exactly does the President of the United States need a private army that is better equipped and better paid than the official military of this great nation? And why is their logo a picture of a bear paw that is giving us the finger?

The official poet laureate of the Zaius/Gregarious campaign, Freida Bee, has created a froodle for me - I now have Happy Froodilicious Freida Bee Underpants! You must go see the froodle, but stay for the poem - You see, Freida Bee has also written another Happy Underpants poem for me! Check it out!

I must admit that I was also quite taken with what Freida Bee said in her comments, though. She has cracked the sacred secret Happy Underpants code! This is what she said:

"Dr. Zaius, It makes my underpants happy that you have happy underpants now. It is all in the giving of happy underpants, that one finds his or her own happy. That's what happy underpants are all about. Thank you for helping me to know this, the sacred secret of the underpants. If more presidential contenders knew this, the world would be filled with many more happy underpants." Freida Bee

I can honestly say that truer words about my happy underpants have never been expressed. Freida Bee has captured the true essence and special spiritual significance of exactly what it means to have happy underpants. Viva La Freida Bee!

Speaking of my esteemed colleague, it's not too late to sign up for Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa. Tell Bill O'Reilly and his "traditionalist" agenda to get stuffed! Get down with your secular progressive inner child and flaunt your secret plan to turn the holiday season into a season of giving, not complaining!

Also, the winter solstice was last night, December 22, 2007, at 1:08 A.M. EST, so yesterday was the shortest day and the longest night of the year. At least we have that behind us! Maybe you can use that information as a lame excuse for being late or to get out of some meaningless chore today.

Friday, December 21, 2007

A chopper carrying Santa Claus was shot down over the Nova Mare slum in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, on Sunday, according to a Reuters report. It was en route to a children's party when it was fired on from below.

No one was hurt, according to the Reuters report.

Rio's Nova Mare section, one of the city's 700-plus slums, is an area know for rampant drug trafficking. Police do not patrol these areas regularly but rather raid them from time-to-time with armored vehicles or helicopters. Brazilian authorities say the shooting was likely a case of mistaken identity.

The brave Santa later returned to the Nova Mare region — this time by car — to distribute the gifts. Fox News, via Oliver Willis

According to language in this article, the real Santa Claus was shot down.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Santa Clause said that I had to play nice with Dr. Monkerstein if I want to get any Christmas presents this year, so I guess that I will play along, for now. Sign up for Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa for the Bloggermas Gift Exchange!

The spending limit will be between $1 and $1 trillion. All's you have to do is post a photo of a gift that you feel is appropriate for the blogger that has been randomly chose for you.

Then, simply post an image or description of your gift to your Secret Simian Santa gift recipient on your blog. Sign up now! The drawing is on Saturday!

Now everything is dandy and fine -Might as well open another bottle of wine!But there's something you've forgotten -Something important, you think...(Perhaps some crackers and cheeseto go with your drink?)

Your shirt is tucked in, and your pants are not creased,Your socks match, both green, nothing wrong in the least,You're wearing clean underpants, so it's not your attire -Oof! What is it? Ack! Your dinner is on fire!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

OK, This is how delirious I am from having to view the internet at 56Kbps because my internet and cable are still out. I am actually reading AOL headlines. It takes so long just to leave a comment, much less look up a blog or website that I have succumbed to the rather mundane and wretched pastime of reading AOL headlines. I can't help myself! they are like slice of chocolate cake - I can't eat just one!

So the message of this headline is that it is bad to be vain, and then the subsequent headlines tell you to lose weight and live up to a male ideal of physical beauty. Maybe the real message is that is OK to be vain because "just look at what is going on in this ungodly town." Here is the teaser to the article:

"Pride is supposed to be a deadly sin. When it comes to their looks, however, fewer Americans are seeing it that way. That's because the advent of safe and affordable plastic surgery has persuaded even the most fearful and cash-strapped patients to go under the knife." AOL

Oh my god! Where is this foul den of iniquity? This vacuum of virtue? This paltry paragon of petty plastic surgery? Los Angelos? New York? Hollywood?

"No. 1: Salt Lake City! It's surprising but true: There are at least 45 plastic surgeons practicing in Salt Lake City, or six per 100,000 people. This high number could be attributed to the University of Utah's School of Medicine, which offers residencies in plastic and reconstructive surgery." AOL

OK, that was actually pretty boring. RomneyLand nips and tucks. Maybe they just want to look good for the Rapture. They also list America's Most Obese Cities, America's Greediest Cities, and America's Most Murderous Cities. A virtual reality road map to the ten deadly sins that you can scoff at in the comfort of your own dial up connection.

What your 'girl' secretly wants"? Not only is the language in questionable taste and the picture of a woman without a head kind of demeaning, but they are also suggesting that men ('guys') should second guess their wives on their choice of a Christmas present. "Really dear, this is what you secretly want! AOL told me that this is what you really, really want!" (Maybe what she secretly wants is freakin' divorce.)

The other headlines do raise a few questions, such as how intelligent does a bra have to be to be considered 'smart'? And is an article about how to make deviled eggs really appropriate for this venue? I think that they were trying to sneak in the word 'scrumptious' for some added subconscious effect.

This is a perfect AOL headline cluster. They have a pop culture reference, the managed to insert the word "sexy," and they can tie in the picture of a hole in the wall to an article about a Black Hole. Subtle! That's what I call journalism.

This is fun. Since when does 20 miles per gallon equal good gas milage? But on AOL, anything is possible! It's Stylish yet sensible! Paris Hilton serves as a pop culture reference, but... what's this? A mutiny onboard a cruise ship? This has gotta be good!

gorespeech

Note the transition from the title of the initial link, "Cruise Vacationers Stage Mutiny" promising the story of actual mutiny to to the title of the actual article, "Unhappy with your cruise? Stage a mutiny!" And then when you read the article you find that it is really about how lucky the unhappy passengers should have felt that they received a $250 on-board credit to spend and 50% off a future cruise after being screwed by the company. It is really an article about how to be a complacent customer. It is an article about the opposite of mutiny.

Dr. Zira, I must caution you. Experimental brain surgery on these creatures is one thing, and I'm all in favor of it. But to suggest that we can learn anything about the simian nature from a study of man is sheer nonsense. Man is a menace, a walking pestilence. He eats up his food supply in the forest, then migrates to our green belts and ravages our crops. The sooner he is exterminated, the better. It's a question of simian survival.