How to successfully support your children after your divorce. A 12 weeks program for divorced parents.

Week 6 - Focusing on Yourself

Facing reality, Dealing with Failure and Being a Good Parent

Being a parent is not equal to your identity. You are a mother or a
father, but you are much more. You are a collegae, a friend, a son or a
daughter, a (ex) partner, a team member, a brother or a sister and maybe
a boss, a shop owner, a sailor or a golf player.

Besides your desire to
see your children growing up happily and safely, you have your own
personal needs, desires, wishes and dreams. In the event of the divorce,
when everything seems to be negative and destructive, you might have
forgotten about your dreams. Remember them. What did you dream when you
were 18?

Facing reality.

We create our own reality in our mind. Our version of reality is
different from the version of our ex or of that of our children. In a
divorce we are full of emotions. We feel betrayed, angry, fooled,
treated unequally, abondoned, disappointed and stressed or whatever
other feeling that comes in.

If we tell our story to ourselves or to
somebody else, it is full of emotions. It could be something like: "my
husband betrayed me with my best friend, he left me and I have to take
care of the children alone. I don't know how to pay for the rent of the
house and I do not know how to take good care of the children now I have
to go working full time. My children are doomed because their parents
divorced. We will all suffer. I failed because I my marriage was meant
to be forever, but now it has ended."

This story is implying what our future and that of our children will
be: misarable. To face the reality, the emotions and the expectations
should be taken out. The reality is that our husband or wife has left, we live
alone in the house with our children and that our income is not enough
to support us and our children.

That is where we are. We face our reality and we list our options: marriage
counseling or divorce? How can I build the best future for my
children? How can I involve my ex in this? What options do I have
to earn an income to support myself and my children? Will my ex
support us financially for a period? Do I stay in the house or do I
move?

Believing we failed because our marriage did not last forever does not
support us. But if we believe we can create a positive environment
for our children after our divorce, this will give us a future
perspective in which we can succeed.

Life is full of opportunities. If we keep on nagging and thinking and
talking about our miserable situation and about what a jerk our ex is,
our friends and family will walk away from us. Being with miserable
and negative people too much time is not funny. Instead, we focus on
positive things. Opportunities will come along.

Acceptance of reality.

We come back in balance with our values and principles to gain back our
personal power. Only when we accept the reality of our situation, we
can live in peace and harmony with ourselves. Some people keep
complaining about there situation, about their ex partner, about the
society, about their children and about the lack of money they have.

They hold on to their old situation. If our ego is based on material
things like living in a big house and driving and expensive car, it will
slash us in the face when we have to let it go. Once we accept your
new situation, we can start building a new future for ourselves and for
our children.

We also have to accept the new situation with our ex. His or her
choices are different from ours. That's apparent because our marriage
did not work. Respecting another person's choices and way of living is
very relevant to parenting. We do not have to agree with it, but we
have to be respectful.

Being yourself.

By being ourselves, we will refind your strength. We better do not let other
people, social acceptability or by other external
factors guide us. We should stay away from our ex, except from our relationship with him or
her that is based on our children.

For the rest, we don't bother with what
he or she does, thinks, tells or how he or she behaves. Also, we better stay away from people
who judge us on being divorced and who do not respect us as a person.

Having expectations of our ex or of friends and family will disappoint
us. Of course, friends and family will help us. We should be specific in what
they can do for us. We have to ask explicitly. We may not expect they will do something
specific out of themselves.

We should make time for ourselves to do something we really like. We must do it
frequently. It will give us time to think, to come to ourselves and it
renews our energy in a positive way.

For example, I do like mountainbiking. Every Saturday afternoon I ride a few hours in the
woods. Other people reload their battery by meeting their friends in the
pub, by watching a basketball game or by going to the painting class.

Personal development.

Like everyone, we have to keep working on our personal development.
We could learn something new, experience something new, travel, master a sport.
Meet new people or change our job. Our new journey and our new
experiences will give us new perspectives and results in personal
growth.

Being a good parent begins from within. Being in peace with ourselves,
accepting our situation and having a positive attitude towards our
life will reflect on the children in a positive way. We set the
example. Our children will follow.

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