The unlimited arts fund must be used to address the whole problem of why bad stuff does well and good stuff doesn't, rather than chip away at the edges. I therefore propose an entertainment revolution (armed if necessary) along the following lines.

1 All TV channels, except BBC1 and BBC2, are to be bought and closed. BBC1 to continue with its high-end bread and circuses, but with no cop dramas or reality shows. BBC2 to become 1970s BBC2 with dense documentaries, politics, arts, weird comedy and no makeover shows.

2 DVD rental shops to be stripped of stock and re-stocked by whoever runs the arty video shop on Stoke Newington Church Street, where blockbusters are kept under the counter like porn.

3 All ad agencies to be bought and closed, and billboards stripped from the streets so we can see what cities actually look like. All the "creatives" who rip off Big Train to sell computer games, and Chris Morris to sell Minis, etc, to be sent to live on an island.

4 John Peel's brain to be cloned. All radio to be closed down, except for Radio 2, which will be scheduled 24 hours a day by the Peel brain. Radio 4 can stay as it is. All cab-driver talk-radio hosts to be sent to advertisers' island.

5 All commercial West End theatres to be demolished and replaced with hundreds of smaller venues programmed by the heads of various tiny arts centres. These people to be chosen by me. Lloyd Webber sent to advertisers' island.

6 All Dan Brown novels, and any books with embossed covers, to be burned and replaced in shops by Marvel comics and texts selected by a team of Oxbridge literature professors. These to be free to anyone who wants them.

7 All newspapers to be closed down, except for the Independent and its right-wing rival, the Guardian.

It is not too late to save the intellectual heart of the nation, but harsh and decisive action is needed now.