Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Next Step

Grandma always
told me that you shouldn’t look at the staircase, just the next step. Look up
and you see how far you have to climb. Down, how far you can fall.

So, just pay
attention to the next step.

Makes life more
manageable.

I could definitely
use some manageable.

“You’re never
going to make it.”

I don’t bother
looking toward the voice. I know if I do, I’ll see Lucy. Which is the opposite
of helpful. “You’re dead.”

She laughs.
“That’s a cheap shot. You’re generally more original. Feeling a little bit
defensive in the face of your failure?”

Just focus on the
next step. “I wasn’t taking a shot. Simply reminding both of us that you’re not
really here. You’re ash. We spread you over the bay.”

“I wanted to be
buried.”

My eyes fly to
hers. “You did not.”

That familiar
smile beams back at me. “Of course not. Spending eternity in a box?” She
shudders dramatically. “Creepy. But I made you look.”

And now I can’t look
away. My throat burns at the sight. “Leave me alone. Please.”

“Like you left
me?”

“No.” I tear my
gaze away from hers. Back to the stairs. “I won’t do this anymore.”

I take a step up,
focusing now on the one after that.

Lucy skips up past
me. “You know, I still remember when mom and dad brought you home from the
hospital. You were such a wrinkly little mess. All the crying and flailing. And I
remember thinking that I was going to protect you. I was the big sister. I was
going to make sure that nothing ever hurt you.”

I make it to the
top of the staircase as she speaks. Her words are the same as they were when
she was alive. No new information. Further proof that she’s not really here.
I’m alone.

The only way to
stop being alone is to get past these stairs.

I’m so tired of
being alone.

I move to the next
flight up.

Lucy keeps pace.
“Silly that it never occurred to me to get the same promise of devotion on your
end, I guess.”

I keep my eyes on
the next step, but I can’t stop from responding. “I didn’t leave you. I went
for help. There’s a difference.”

“Not really. I
still died alone. No, I’m sorry, that’s a little too sanitized. I still burned
to death alone while you were out chatting up firemen.”

I don’t bother
wiping the tears off my face. They’ll just be replaced by more. I can’t make
out the next step through the blurriness. My foot doesn’t quite catch and I
begin to fall back.

Lucy steadies me.

“See? I’m always
there for you. Why is it so hard for you to do the same?”

I stare into her
eyes. As I speak, I can taste the salt. “Because you’re not her.” I push away,
gaining another step. “She’s gone.”

“You’re that
sure?”

“She would be
trying to help me get out of here. She was always trying to help me. Lucy would
never want me in this hell.”

“I don’t know.
Remember that time you decided to play Rockettes with my brand new Barbie doll
and ripped her leg right off? I kind of wanted you in hell then.”

Lucy takes my
hand, holding it gently as we both continue to climb. I want to yank it back. I
don’t want to ever let go.

“She wouldn’t want
me here.” Another staircase completed.

“Maybe, but a
person can go through some pretty serious ideological shifts while they’re
feeling their flesh seared from their bones.” The casual tone of her voice
makes the words that much worse.

I stare at the
steps. “She’d want me happy.”

Agreement comes
quickly. “Absolutely. But did it ever occur to you that we were happiest when
it was just us playing together? We could do that here. Spruce this place up.
They may be a pain in the ass to climb, but the stairs are actually pretty cool
looking. We always wanted to live in a place with a weird aesthetic, remember?
Isn’t that how we ended up in that fire trap? But no fire here. Just us,
together. Plus our legs are going to look awesome.” She pauses, stopping my motion as well. Her voice is softer now. “It’s much harder to be
happy out there. So much hurting. And we’d never see each other.”

“But you’re not
her. This isn’t real. I’m not supposed to be stuck here. I’m supposed to be
getting better.” The tears are flowing harder now. I don’t want to stop them.
Maybe this time I’ll finally rid myself of them all. “I just want to feel
better.”

Lucy smiles sadly.
“Then you should go. I won’t try to stop you any more.”

She lets go of my
hand and I run, racing up another flight. My brain screams at me not to, but I
turn around anyway. Lucy stands where I left her, making no move to follow.

She nods. “I’ll be
okay. Alone isn’t so bad.” She looks away for a second, her eyes shimmering
when they return to mine. “I love you, nerd.”

The familiar
good-bye has me taking a step in her direction. Nothing seems sure anymore. It’s
not her. I know that. It can’t be.

Can it?

No, it’s time for
me to finally get out of here. I stare at the step in front of me. Just take
it. My feet don’t move. I need them to move.

I glance back at
Lucy. She still stands there, watching me with a calm sadness.