Saturday, April 28, 2007

An Encounter with Walter Matthau

A couple of weeks ago, I caught the latest installment of the Dave Hill Explosion at the Upright Citizens Brigade. Dave's guests included Dick "Chatty Cathy" Cavett and the absolutely delightful Rufus Wainwright. Dick Cavett was a special treat -- if only because my own parents made me call into his CNBC talk show as a girl only to ask him why he talked more than his guests. And you wonder why I have emotional problems.

While Dick brought a handful of old timey entertaining stories (think Groucho Marx and Woody Allen), believe it or not it was Rufus Wainwright who absolutely stole the show. After singing two mesmerizingly beautiful songs, Rufskies sat down and regaled the audience with his charming laugh, his thick head of hair, and hands down the best story of the night involving everyone's favorite late curmudgeon, Walter Matthau. It went something like this:

Walter Matthau and his wife had taken a trip to Auschwitz. As they were about to enter one of the gas chambers with their tour guide, a woman runs up to him.

"Oh my God, Mr. Matthau!" she screamed. "I am such a huge fan of yours! Would you mind giving me an autograph?"

"What?" he responded. "Absolutely not. That's completely inappropriate. I can't believe you would even ask me that here." With that, him, his wife and the guide go into the chamber.

About an hour later, he's walking out of the compound, and the woman approaches him again.

"I just want you to know," she says "You ruined my trip to Auschwitz!"

And so I transcribed it. How long did it take me? That's not important. (An hour.) What's important is that below is a piece of literal genius. Stay tuned for a live reading of the following play at an upcoming stand-up show.

AT: …Of some of the things I’m talking about, cause if you really want to earn ya man your need to learn ya man. And a lot of times we get caught up with the wrong man, or caught up in a man’s penis power, because it’s good. I mean if a man has been around, and he’s a ho, especially like the one’s I’m talkin’ about, they’re hopping from here, here and there, they have a lot of practice, and they know a woman’s body, they know the power of their penis, and they know how to soothe her body and to sooth her vagina, so it’s really easy to be caught up with that dog kinda man. Like that one girl asked me “Well why,” she thought somethin’ was wrong with her because she liked the flashy guys with the jewelry, I said “Well, there’s nothin’ wrong with liking a flashy man, you just have to know what time of spirit and energy he’s carrying. Because there are some good men, though they still like to flash, they’re not whores. And the don’t give their penis to everybody. You have to be able to recognize em.

Because the man that is living to ejaculate? He’s in a predator mode. And when the man is in a predator mode, he’s gonna look for the weaknesses of a woman. A woman that’s lonely. Her vagina is cold. She’s layin’ in bed at night playin’ with her toys, or she’s got a man beside her, he’s a good provider, but he’s not hittin the walls and working the middle like that dog she’s having the sneaky sex with.

HEAVY GUEST: But what drives a woman to toys?

AT: Because, like I said, she needs the vagina penetration. A lot of women are hooked on having clitoral stimulations. You have an outer orgasm with your clitoris, but also you have inner orgasms, inside the intra vagina. Inside the vagina walls. Hidden g spots. And every woman’s g spots may be similar, or some women they have more than one g spot. So some women are actually hooked on cummin’.

I mean there’s women that can be at work, at their desk, they got the jack rabbit on, it’s a part you can buy, hook it onto your clitoris all throughout the day, and you can be having orgasms –-

HEAVY GUEST: Jackrabbit?

AT: I knew some girls and that was their favorite product. They called it their favorite best buddy to keep in their pocket book.

HEAVY GUEST: But, see, I go back to when I was a little girl, bein’ raised in the country, jack rabbit… jump from here to there.

AT: Yeah, we ain’t talking bout the rabbit –

HEAVY GUEST: Jump – Jump –

AT: Yeah but --

HEAVY GUEST: We ain’t talkin’ bout a real rabbit. Jump. When a rabbit, in nature… jump from here to there. Just constantly. Movin.

AT: Yes, and they say that they have takin’ the same concept of the rabbit jumpin’ from here to there… the design of it… it jump all up on the clitoris (bounces invisible basketball) Just jump out of control and make the woman have incredible orgasms. That’s why they call that –HEAVY GUEST: We are livin’ in the 21st century.

AT: That’s the mechanical jackrabbit for the clit.

Some men, they have so much heat and intensity in their peenus, that you can feel it radiating through their clothes. Just to touch the penis… it’s on fire, it feels like it’s fire underneath the skin. So a lot of women actually start goin’ crazy. Cause all penises are not created equal, and they don’t hold the same level of intensity. So if there’s one hot like that, and he has the energy, and he knows how to work his hips, work his buttocks, and really twist her and bend her like she’s a pretzel, give her the gratification she needs, she’s going to be hooked and think that that’s love or on a deeper root level, she’s going to become sexually, mentally and emotionally attached… although he ain’t no gooood. And this other man she with provides for her. Take care uh children that aren’t even his, that woman will still sneak, and get that penis power from him.

But what she doesn’t realize is we have to deal with our attachments and separate the love, the orgasm and the penis. They are separate issues. Cause if we at a lower level of it, and we’re hooked on the penis power, and this man won’t even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silvers. And what. That plate what… $2.99?

But he can give you a mouthful of sperm and a rectum full of sperm. We have to see what our issue is. Because a man like that doesn’t respect a woman. Yeah, he’ll hit her. But if a man is having sex with you and he had the opportunity to be with you, or he’s an ex, and that mean he had you before the other man that’s providing for you could get to you. And all he’s offering you is a side of penis? When he could sneak in and out yo man bed and out yo man house? That man ain’t got no respect for you! And he know you don’t have none for yourself. Because you’re so hooked on him and you’re hooked on the penis, you will sacrifice and sell yourself out to let him come in the backdoor, or let him come at lunch or let him come in the daaaark, when your real man that don’t have the same penis power is heralding all the expenses. So a woman think she getting over, and think “Oh that’s the best sex”, but she really playin herself, and he playin her. Cause it ain’t about her. It’s about his ego, and about his penis, and his testicles, and how many notches he can get up on his belt to brag about.

Remember… don’t let every man hit the bottom of your vagina, the root of your vagina…HEAVY GUEST: They don’t know about the bottom. They don’t know about the bottom.

AT: But see every man may not know because he might not have a penis to really know how to hit that bottom, or how to lift and hit that bottom, or how to work that middle with a woman. She spread her legs wide and she start screamin’ sayin’ “Yeah daddy, das it” or she might start cursin’ or screamin’ out all types of profanities cause he doesn’t hit the bottom and now her mind… (hand to head) She insane. Her mind ain’t good. Because the penis done ejaculated all up in her brain. She’s gone crazy. So you don’t let every man hit your bottom, and your body remembers it. Just like a man’ll put a woman over doggy style, or maybe get a mirror or somethin’, then they start hittin’ that woman from the back….

Then they start talkin’. (pause) They start sayin’ all kinds uh stuff to her while they’re hittin her, and see that woman is bein’ seduced, she bein’ seduced, he breakin her down man. He is screwin’ her into submissssion. He’s screwin’ her into slavery by usin’ the penis as a weapon to break her ass DOWN! And her defenses! I mean she wide open, with a penis all up in your vagina, man, you don’t have no defenses?!

Unless you are just really thinking, and this is not about the love experience, this is about a money experience or she’s a prostitute, then she’s workin’ it just for her benefit. But when a woman’s really liking this man and she’s feeling him and what he’s doin – especially if she’s sneakin around with him and he has nothing to give her, and her man is treatin her better than he is – he has already gotten her defenses down when she’s very weak, and that’s the worst thing that can happen, is a man to get you, and while he’s thrustin’ the penis in and out – WHO WHO WHO WHO IS IT? Whose vagina is it? Who does it belong to? That that that what’d I say? Who? And then the woman starts callin’ out the man’s naaaame, screamin the man’s name.

Then she let him know she’s comin. When she’s comin’ she hollerin, she callin for him.

This stuff is programmed all up in this woman’s vagina, rectum, uterus, all up in this mind right here (pause)

And that will actually bind her. Actually reduce her to a cum freak. So if she can’t get to him, she’ll slip him in, and that’s where the jack rabbits, and all them different size penises and dildos come in, because she’s tryin to, she’s rememberin, and trying to recapture that experience.

And that’s why I said, you don’t wanna let everybody hit that bottom, you don’t want to let everybody spank you and talk to you in all kinda ways! Because women – especially when the man pull it back, won’t give you no penis no more – women be all in the bed at night, tryin to sleep, they tossin and turning and dreaming about it. Lawd have mercy! Wake up out there sleep cause they done dream their man did this to somebody else! And the thought of that, you know, is devastating. That woman heart get to beatin fast, blood pressure go up, she can’t hardly catch her breath. Just to think about that man, just ration that out, just laid that out for somebody else, bent them over and talk to them too? And spank them?

[I may not have] a PhD and a Master’s degree to put on my wall in Acadeeemia, but I have a Master’s degree in bein’ played by men, used by men, told everything I wanted to hear to get men in positions.

And I am, to be honest with you –- I’m just gonna be real about it! – I’m very upset by being made a fool out of.

We’re about to close now. But is there something? Cause I didn’t let you talk very much.

HEAVY GUEST: Well I –

AT: You let me talk! So say what you want to say.HEAVY GUEST: Well…

AT: Go ahead, for the closing, say what you wanna say. I’m sorry.HEAVY GUEST: The only thing I want to say is, again, I’ve learned something…. That I didn’t know. And I’m definitely gonna be on the watch out. Cause I know what’s out there. That’ll come atcha. And from what your saying it’s comin atcha with all full force. All this power comin atcha. Then a girl ain’t got a chance. So I’m gonna have to say “Pray it up!”

AT: We have to know who we are and we have to know our roles.

HEAVY GUEST: I’ve got to keep standing in the Lord. I’ve got to ask Jesus to keep me every day.

AT: Thank you for watching the Alexis Tyler Show. And we’ll see you next time with more of…. Vagiiiina Poooower. (maniacal laugher)

(The two dance in their seats to a slow jam.)

SOURCE MATERIAL:

UPDATE: YET MORE INSANITY!!!! (No more transcribing though -- these videos are like a "noose on my balls."

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Duke Lacrosse Player Dating Game

Earlier today, the North Carolina prosecution dropped all charges against three Duke University Lacrosse Players accused of raping a stripper last spring during a party. (No word if the Evite title was "Rape & Grain!"... anyway.)

Now that the charges have been dropped, the above three fellas are probably the only guys at Duke University to never have raped anyone -- making all three fantastic catches! Plus, since the stigma of rape was only lifted a handful of hours ago, we're guessing these hotties are single and looking... making them prime candidates in a little game we like to play every now and again called The Duke Lacrosse Player Dating Game! Let's take a look at our contestants:Bachelor #1: Reade Seligmann is a history major with a penchant for catchphrases, such as his famous "Reade my lips!", and his intriguing Myspace headline: "Raul owns this bitch! ***Inland_Empire***". (Seriously.)

Bachelor #2: David Evans, from Bethesda, Md., was the captain of the Lacrosse team, meaning he's a take charge kinda guy who doesn't take lip from anybody. He enjoys action movies and Mallomars.

Bachelor #3: Collin Finnerty of Garden City, N.Y. would like you to know he is not related to the older brother on Pete & Pete.

Let's get the game started!

Bachelorette: If you guys had could be any ice cream in the world, what flavor would you be?#1: Beer.#2: Tits.#3: Isolation and fear for my future.

Bachelorette: Ok... Bachelor #1, which Disney character would you say best describes you?#1: Beer.

Bachelorette: #3, same question.#3: Is there a character named Aimless Rage Johnson? That would be me.

Bachelorette: OK, final question, to all of you: If I were stranded on a desert island, how would you save me?#1: I'd make a raft out of dildos and boob implants. Then I'd float you and your coconuts to safety.#2: (Snort) Uh, I'd probably discover a way to turn saltwater into beer, then funnel the ocean directly into my mouth, and have you run into my arms.#3: I wouldn't save you, you backstabbing hooker. You'd probably accuse me of trying to drown you. Did you try to save me when I was being falsely accused of rape? Did you? No, no you didn't. You just sat at home applying for some dating reality show that no one will remember 10 years from now. But do you know who'll remember me in 10 years? Goldman Sachs, that's who. And J.P. Morgan. Merrill Lynch will remember. I'm... I'm ruined. My life... is ruined.