If anyone knows what the fuck that is all about, let me know. It must have been a real challenge for them to serve raw kingfish though. I’m no expert (I am really), but raw kingfish sounds like a fairly easy thing to knock up: Step 1: drink a bottle of wine. Step 2: put fish on a plate. Step 3: give plate to pretentious foodies and await praise for the fine texture and spiritual journey that your food has sent them on. Step 4: drink more wine, tell pretentious fuckwits to leave because you need to vomit.

My real problem with this show (and most reality shows at the moment), is that there are too many people crying about too much useless rubbish. I know it’s a competition and all, but there’s really no need to break down because you burnt your pistachio-coated walrus balls. If anything, the walrus is the one who should be crying. But he’s not, because he’s awesome. The phrase “this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done” was uttered by a contestant through a hitching throat and free-flowing tears as they attempted to MAKE PASTA.

Is cooking that much of a passion of yours, crying contestants? Really? It’s all you dream about; it’s your “creative outlet”? Then why did you spend four years studying accounting and the next twenty years being a fucking accountant? Here’s an idea – enrol in a culinary school (feel free to use the phrase “I’m sick of ‘cooking the books’ as an accountant” on your application) and get your snotty face away from my quail. And get your quail away from my chicken; this isn’t a Roald Dahl story.

If I was going on Sooky Bitches Kitchen, I would knock up my specialty:

La Nouille du Triomphe A bowl of delicately boiled ramen noodles seasoned with a subtle blend of chicken or beef and served floating in a natural jus.

Fromage avec pain A lightly toasted, seasoned bun with double layers of individually wrapped cheese and topped with another slice of bread.

Le Plat du Lait et de la CéréaleA satisfying end to the meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of Fruit Loops served with fresh milk. Served with a side order of peanut M&M’s.

And if I burn the bejesus out of my fish fingers, I’m not going to curl up into the corner of my kitchen and cry. I’m going to eat them anyway, because they’re actually not that bad when they’re a little crispy.