Unconditional Compassion

1995 began the most compassionate 15 year relationship I would ever experience. The relationship had its ebb and flow to it like any other relationship but this one was different. No matter how difficult the times would become we were inseparable. There wasn’t one experience that we didn’t share together during those 15 years. Some may think obsession, others may think co-dependence but I see it as unconditional compassion.

The introduction phase wasn’t the typical one that caused the world around me to be more beautiful or love to flow endlessly through every word I uttered at first. In fact it was quite the opposite; a sort of hate-denial-withdrawn-ashamed relationship that only sparingly revealed the love side. Why did it take so long for the love and compassion to shine through you may wonder? Easy, I wasn’t willing to open myself up to it.
We were introduced in Philadelphia by a man wearing a white coat and blue jeans. He had spent the entire day searching the database for the perfect match; one that suited me. I on the other hand had spent the entire day anticipating that moment. The man in the white coat entered the room. I felt the profoundness, the confidence and absoluteness in what he found through his swagger. He sat down and looked at me. It’s called Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy. In that moment time stood still. As I sat there contemplating the future relationship that lay before me, I felt completely alone and afraid. What would we do together? Would we get along? Would anyone love us? How long would LGMD be with me? The answers to these questions remained dormant for most of the 15 year odyssey. And so began my relationship with LGMD.
Imagine never being alone and yet feeling alone. That’s LGMD, always there. We went everywhere and did everything together; the bathroom, getting dressed, taking a shower, eating meals, driving in the car, talking on the phone, jobs, the girlfriends and even sleeping although sometimes LGMD didn’t accompany me in the dreams. The dreams were the one place where I felt free from LGMD in the beginning phase. Those dreams were wonderful experiences when they took place which wasn’t often.
LGMD is interesting in that it wanted to do physical tasks with me but it had its own unique way of showcasing them, for example 7th grade gym class. Unbeknownst to me at the time, there I was running in gym class minding my own business. I noticed the other kids were pointing and laughing at me, through the years they would always tell me when LGMD was with me. At first I didn’t understand. Apparently LGMD runs like a girl with the legs coming out to the sides as the legs lift up behind me. I didn’t recognize this movement to be mine and yet it was. Embarrassed by LGMD’s style of running, the other kids making fun of me, I decided running in front of my peers was a part of me they would not accept.
There was this girl I dated in college. She had questioned LGMD’s intentions and duration with me. She felt that there was no room for the 3 of us and so she left us to be alone. That was the lowest point in my life with LGMD for the fact that someone else didn’t share the same compassion LGMD had for me and commitment. I didn’t like that feeling she gave me. I learned three things in that moment: one, LGMD wouldn’t be accepted by others, two; I couldn’t share my LGMD with anyone else, and three; how much compassion LGMD had for me in that it never left me or ridiculed me like my peers did over the years. I was the one who did that to myself.
Now before you think I have imaginary friends and have gone completely crazy with LGMD, I want to point out that it is merely another interpretation of how LGMD can be viewed. This point of view looks at LGMD and what it has given me instead of what it has taken away from me. I’ve found LGMD only touches the physical being never the emotional, mental and spiritual sides. It is/was through the association of self/myself to the physical that LGMD touches/touched the mental, emotional and spiritual components of life/my life. When I see myself as more than the physical, only then does the journey of LGMD take on a whole new life altering experience that has me excited about what will happen next.
And so I’ve come to understand the compassion LGMD has for me. It was and is always there with me. LGMD chose this body to inhabit and express itself through to the world around me. It chose me. How can I deny that compassion? To deny LGMD is to deny me!