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About the Author

Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio. She is the Founding Director of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings thousands of women to Israel each year from 18 different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage (www.jwrp.org). She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington, D.C. area with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik, and is the busy mother of five children, ages 25 to 15.

Visitor Comments: 16

(16)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2010 11:37 PM

sometimes crisis is what we want

First, I want to make a point that I am not talking about children. When there are warning signs that we ignore, often it means that we are ourselves ambivalent about marriage or another relationship and we let the crisis happen. I truly believe that if we know what we want and we want to save the relationship, we will not let it crumble. Sometimes letting things happen this way are the way we say we don't want to work on that relationship. I bet that woman Lori described refused to be intimate with her husband because she did not want to be his wife (maybe not fully conscious). But she did not want sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, etc.

(15)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2010 1:31 AM

Maybe try a therapist?they'l love to give advice and talk

(14)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2010 12:47 AM

What about the intermarriage problems?

There is a lot of issues that comes up when you have intermarried. Some couples seem to make it work, but mine didn't. I had married a catholic, and we had so many different conflicts. How can you talk out those kinds of issues between the two? Our marriage was annulled last year through the church tribunal. Another nasty process to go through, when I was the outsider. I'm glad I didn't spend the rest of my life in that marriage. I read the other comments, and if there isn't any hope in your marriage; get out, you deserve to be happy. A marriage partner is suppose to bring the best out of us, not the worse. Where two is better than one. If not, it's better to be one. I went to talk to an excellent couselor before my divorce. He didn't say a word, he just let me talk. By speaking it out to someone else, I knew the answer. When we keep all of that inside our heads, it's so hard to sort it out. It's best when it's not family or someone you know. When your face to face with a counselor, and your spilling your heart out; and you hear yourself speaking it, it helps. You will know what you need to do, then just do it. #8, that isn't a marriage. He is robbing you of having children and intimacy and happiness. When in a "not going anywhere marriage", most people will try to talk you into staying in the marriage; when you really want someone to tell you "it's o.k. to leave." "G-d does forgive divorce!!"

(13)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2010 5:04 PM

Some marriages not intended to last

I got married right after high school. We only dated a couple of month. He was in my class, so I did know of him. After two weeks of marriage, I realized I made a huge mistake. He realized it in 6 weeks. We stayed together for several years, till we both realized this just wasn't going to work for the long haul. Life is to long to live like that. We tried to correct our mistake by staying together. I learned many things in that marriage, good and bad. But when you have made a mistake, no matter how hard it is to confess up to that, putting the ego aside, eventually I had to face that reality by getting a divorce. Something I never in my life before getting married ever considered to be an option. In my case, the crisis was on the wedding day, and no amount of counceling can correct a mistake.

(12)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2010 1:24 AM

I agree with Ellie (#7): I have no idea who to turn to, someone objective who I am not afraid of burdening and who I trust to give me good advice. Help!

(11)
hmmm,
May 5, 2010 4:51 AM

maybe divorce could be the best thing that ever happend

I can't say reaching out is enough.. one must be careful who she reaches out to; when my marriage was in crisis, the rabbis placed the blame on me, the female, without hearing my side in its entirey. It took me a long time, and a few months of clarity and separation before I finally found the right person to reach out to.I'm really glad that I didn't stay in contact withthe people I first reached out to... I guess you just have to keep going until you find the right energy for you...

(10)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2010 7:43 PM

Great advice on a delicate subject.

I am Baruch Hashem happily married, and I totally agree with comment Number 2-Rosen. I know of a couple that were not even married 2 months, when the husband saw that the wife was in a deep depression, and not ready for the responsibility of a spouse. He gave her a divorce right away, and is sorry he even thought during their dating, that she would go for medical intervention. Marriage is not something to get into lightly. I feel too many girls are getting married way too young, not knowing what the real world is all about. These young people need to do some living and experiencing life for what it really is- not so simple as they think it is.

(9)
Michael Tufflety,
May 4, 2010 7:27 PM

Oh, how so true

You have hit the nail right bang smack on the head. What sound advice you give. If only I had the courage to pull my head from the sand. Shalom

(8)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2010 5:37 PM

dont wait for a crisis to act

Very moved by this video. I haven't been intimate with my husband for 6 YEARS!!! gone off him. I feel I am married to a teenager who will never grow up, does not take responsibility and is hopeless with money. I amde serious steps to LEAVE him 6 years ago but he woed me back. I had in-laws on my back until 6 yrs ago before I decided to oust them from my life. My husband lived and worked in another city so we ahd a commuting marriage. You see what I mean. I had the woprse marriage can bring. We are still together and I am tired and have no energy left even to contemplate divorce. No children as he didn't want any. comments back?

(7)
Ellie,
May 4, 2010 4:18 PM

But where to go for help?

Lori does an excellent job of pointing out the importance of early intervention and trusting one's instincts about a relationship problem, but does not follow the logical next step to how & where to find help. "Get help right away" she states, but what is the best help? And where?
When I sensed a problem in our marriage after a few years, I first consulted our Rabbi (no help- too friendly with my husband to be objective), then we saw a religious counselor for over a year (no help- she treated my husband like a boy, not the adult he was), then a total of 8 additional therapists and marriage counselors until we found one that helped after 15 (yes, 15!) years.
While it is helpful to remind us to confront our relationship problems before it's a crisis, it is most important to give the vital next step- where to take that concern and get good, effective, lasting help.
I look forward to this vital piece in future articles.

(6)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2010 3:51 PM

Crisis; What Crisis?

i really liked your candid video on 'marraige crisis' true, these phases just seem to turn a mouse's wheel and we are too many times frustrated and caught w/in the same threshold points.
My only concern? Are you perhaps not putting alot of eggs into the basket of 'the intimacy talks'? Marital Intimacy is only 1 small section of the entire circle of the healthy marraige/relationship ... just how much of a barometer should it be? how much better if we shore up our trust in God and our energies into the heavens ... does God ever have a 'bad day' or just 'us'?
Again, thank you for your candid honesty on these issues.
Shlalom

(5)
laurence,
May 4, 2010 3:32 PM

very appropriate

before it s too late if it s not already

(4)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2010 2:57 PM

not always simple

what if one spouse wants the help but the other won't cooperate...then what??

(3)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2010 2:30 PM

Thank you

I thank Hashem for you and His perfect timing. Thank you for the encouragement.

(2)
Rosen,
May 3, 2010 3:10 PM

marriage and relationship misery

Although I am not yet married, from what I have learned and even experienced from Aish.com and past relationships, let alone marriage is that if one is unhappy single, then he/she is probably going to be unhappy married or at least in a relationship. One must grow and learn on a personal scale before having a decent relationship and/or marriage with another.

(1)
Anonymous,
April 28, 2010 6:49 AM

Excellent advice

This is excellent advice, Lori. Hashem has created everyone with an inner "barameter" of what is normal and what goes beyond the bounderies of normal. If a red light goes on in your head that something isn't right here, it should not be ignored.
Also, in reference to the woman who you met for coffee: Today, unfortunately, the breaking up of a marriage has become more commonplace. Therefore, if a marriage is haveing serious problems it doesn't seem so terrible. Sad, sad indeed.