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A story as old as time?

I recently learned through an intercepted text MSG that my spouse of 21 years has been carrying on an affair for the past 10 months. He met the whore at a fundraiser, and she was fully aware that he was married with 4 children. She is divorced herself, and a single mom to a young girl, so I can only surmise that his expensive gifts and pretending to be a wealthy suitor drew her in. After my discovery I was so shocked I immediately confronted him, and he did not deny it. He was actually very forthcoming and apologetic during the first 48 hours when we stayed up talking. I was so calm, I think it was the shock. As more details came to light, I realized he had a secret email account, a private phone line, and of course had been texting her constantly. He was apologetic and said it was the worst mistake he had ever made, said he felt awful and would spend the rest of his life trying to make amends. He begged me not to leave him, he didn't want our family to become another statistic. I agreed we could try and work things out, and took responsibility for my part in our marital state of affairs. I told him I would not be blamed for his choice to cheat. Over the next few weeks the reality set in, I was angry about the choice he made. I hurled obscenities about the slut and let him know how immoral and trashy I thought they both were. They deserved each other. I went to see a lawyer to learn what my rights were regarding custody and finances. In The state where we live, the wife gets screwed. Courts don't care who was at fault, there is no alimony unless he agrees to it, and child support is minimal, unless he agrees to more. The outlook is bleak for me because I gave up my career 9 years ago to stay at home fulltime and raise our kids. This played a huge part in my decision to try and stay and make it work. He ceremoniously deleted her cell number from his phone, and promised it was over. I asked that he make a call to her in my presence to end things, and he refused- said he would handle it. In hindsight, this was a red flag that I shouldn't have ignored. He told me it was over and he had ended things, but I had to take his word - stupid me. We went on with our lives for the next 3 months - and all appearances were he was trying to work things out. He came home every night, never declined my calls, and we went on a few romantic dates. We took a family vacation, and I felt like he was distant and beginning to treat me similarly as before - lashing out at me, nothing I said was right, almost annoyed with my presence. I still didn't wake up and smell the coffee. One week after we returned from our vacation we began to argue and he packed an overnight bag and said he was going to spend the night at a hunting camp and needed time to think. He left and refused to answer repeated calls or texts from me and even our children. We worried all night, unsure of what was going on or if he was OK. The next morning he called and apologized and said he had gotten drun k and had passed out and he would be home soon. Nothing about his overnight trip made sense. The next day I asked for access passwords to ALL the credit cards he had been using, one in particular to hide charges on gifts for the slut. He reluctantly gave it to me after I asked what was he afraid I would find? He had just sent her a bouquet of 100 roses for her birthday, and his trip to the hunting camp turned out to be a sleepover with her. He knew I would walk away after being lied to again. He came home and BEGGED for me not to destroy our family, not to do this to our children. Why does he think it is me destroying our lives? His actions and choices caused this damage. He said he would prove to me that it was over. He deleted the secret email account, shut down the private phone line and gave me every password and account so we would have no more secrecy. He claims it is over once and for all. This was only 17 days ago. I check accounts and phone calls daily, and now he is getting annoyed at my distrust. He is angry that I cant just move on and quit bringing the affair up. I find myself in unchartered waters, and I don't want to continue to be a fool, but I would give him a chance if he truly means he chooses our family over a life with the slut. He says I won't let him up off the mat . I say it is too soon to blindly accept his word. I need to see meaningful action. Is hope warranted, or is hope a dangerous thing?

emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 19:05 PM

Hi broken....I am not sure what to tell you, I am too new to this situation myself. Personally I think you are crazy to let up on the monitoring this quickly. (((Hugs)))) I hope you can figure out what you need to do. Meanwhile I love coming here the community is very supportive.

shiloe posted 8/17/2013 19:35 PM

He says I won't let him up off the mat

This is not remorse. He has no idea the hurt and destruction he has done. You may need to go stealth on him, he probably took the affair underground. This is a very common tactic.

Visit the Investigative forum for ways to gather information on what he may be doing.

100 roses??!! for what?? what did she do that was so special that a wife of 21 yrs that washed his skivvies and raised HIS babies didn't? These adulterous assh*les really piss me off - And that is your hunting camp too, tell the slut she is not allowed to go there or you will have her arrested. Are her kids adults? Let them know what their whore mother is up too.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:36 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

jjct posted 8/17/2013 19:52 PM

I've spoken with Broken1 through 5 about this. We all agree.
You should implement the 180.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Broken6 posted 8/17/2013 20:18 PM

Thank you for your responses and advice. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this. I feel so ashamed about what has happened that it is hard to talk to anyone. I just read the 180. Perfect advice for me. I have been harping on it to him - telling him he is a lowlife, and I do think this is having a negative impact. I think he thinks I may throw in the towel, and if I do - he doesnt want to be alone, so he keeps her there as backup. I dont see her giving up so easily either - she is 46, divorced and looking for a daddy for her kid. She has everything to gain, and our family - namely my 4 kids- lose. I am going to try my best to follow the 180. This is going to be difficult given the emotional roller coaster ride. My gut also tells me he is not over her, why wouldnt he agree to call and end things and let me hear those words. His excuse - its over and he doesnt want to kick the antbed. Again, thank you. I am glad I found this website.

krazy8516 posted 8/17/2013 20:21 PM

he is getting annoyed at my distrust. He is angry that I cant just move on and quit bringing the affair up.

You should start a search party for remorse, because it is not present here. I speak from personal experience. Oh wait... don't we all?

I say it is too soon to blindly accept his word. I need to see meaningful action.

Yup. Right you are. Even after you see meaningful action, you may never "blindly accept his word" ever again. One of those nasty side effects of an affair. Any kind of trust is likely to take months to years, and if he thinks this is the kind of thing you can just get over and move on from, he is quite mistaken.

17 days is too soon for much of anything. I second the 180.

::hugs:: and luck to you!

Broken6 posted 8/17/2013 20:33 PM

Thank you for your support on the birthday roses. What really stings is that I had my 50th this year, he handed me a card and then ignored me all day. But then well, he was two months into his new affair by then.

summerain posted 8/17/2013 20:36 PM

There's a couple of posters that are in the same situation. Can anyone let us know who that would be?

Either way, I would recommend a psychological battle of a post-nup. If I had the money it would be done now as a condition of marriage. How you go about getting it may be a battle of wits but could be the best chance you have.

Theres a poster I distinctly remember is not a regular user unfortunately but she divulged key things she did
1. Make it all about wh, I need IC so I can be a better wife... For you!
2. Got a degree/ up skilled .... So I can be a better wife.... For you!
3. Got cash out every time she went shopping.

If you want out, you CAN do it. Don't feel like this is the rest of your life. Stay because you want to. If you can't leave immediately that's okay,,if you need a while longer to decide that's okay too! Start implementing the above anyway.

You are obviously a strong woman. You CAN do this

Mom-of-4 posted 8/19/2013 14:43 PM

Hi Broken 6. You can read my profile to understand my story. I am so sorry you are on this site. I never thought I would be on a site like this in a milllion years- but I found it and it helped tremendously.

Here is my advice:

1. Definitely implement the 180. This will help him to stay in reality and not the fantasy world. Do whatever you need to do to make sure he is held accountable for what he has done. I would confirm the OW is single- if she is dating or married- out her to her significant other. You may consider outing him to his family, a brother, or a close friend of his so he can't keep hiding his affair and own up to it.

2. See a counselor. Deciding to reconcile is a process. Then once the decision is made to reconcile- it takes a l lot work and TIME!!!!

3. Your children and your family intact is worth the effort- but YOU will be the one making the larger sacrifice and suffering the most. Your husband needs to get to a place where he understands this and loves you even more when he realizes what it is costing YOU to save your family.

LOTS OF LOVE AND HUGS. PRAYING FOR YOU NOW!

tushnurse posted 8/19/2013 15:07 PM

I would like to offer a few things. One see another lawyer. (you know what they call a lawyer who has the lowest grades and the lowest passing grade on the bar exam? a lawyer).

I would also suggest that you start on the 180, but please don't make it about him. This is for you. For you to get strong and gain perspective. You may see that you do have a way out of this. Please don't stay because of what you have to loose, stay because you want to. If you stay and have your kiddos grown up in a home where a M is totally dysfunctional, what do you think they will do? Aren't they worth a good example of what healthy strong woman is? Obviously you are strong, that's proven by giving up your career, and being a mom to 4 kids.

He is not being remorseful or doing anything to help your relationship, and as long as he doesn't have consequences he won't do anything to change the situation.

(((and strength)))

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/19/2013 15:21 PM

Oh Broken, I'm so sorry for your pain.

It's almost a guarantee he's gone deeper underground.

These guys just don't cut off all contact with these women - without batting an eye - and suddenly act like everything is right as rain.

Your husband is acting as though she's in the past and not to be even thought of - because he's lying through his teeth.

Be cautious, guard your heart, do your best to keep your eyes and ears open, and demand nothing less than complete respect.

And yes, please go to another lawyer.

Good luck to you.

LivingALie posted 8/19/2013 15:27 PM

You won't let him off the mat??? Grrhh...I'm angry for you that he has the nerve to say that -

Ask him why you should? If the tables were turned, would he?

My H used to have an attitude like this - I used to tell him "I NEED YOU TO HELP ME THROUGH THIS" and that didn't mean just me throwing a tantrum then he apologize then we're all done with this mess.

Sorry - it doesn't work that way. Implement the 180 - its not easy but try to stick to it. And if you fall off -just get back on-

Speaking only of my situation - when I would tell my H I needed his help - he honestly didn't know what to do - for starters, I used to tell him - stop contacting her - thats a beginning (we had lots of broken NCs; they worked together).

I'm sorry to say - it sounds like your H is not remorseful - sounds like he's agitated that he got caught and he wants things back to normal.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/19/2013 15:29 PM

I'm so sorry, Broken6.

Your H doesn't sound remorseful, but like he was doing damage control. Giving you all his passwords and accounts...after he lied once already about breaking it off isn't a good sign. He has had time to open new accounts, and even get a secret phone you do not know about.

He doesn't realize that he will need to live with "Trust but verify" for the rest of his life, if you feel he is remorseful, won't do it again and if you decide to take the long road of R.

From reading here, I've come to realize that it is rare that there is ever blind trust after infidelity.

Are you willing to live with a man who lies and cheats, then lies and cheats again, only to blame you for not trusting him?

If he doesn't get some remorse and consistently offer up proof of his fidelity, your life is going to be miserable if you stay with him.