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rumpology

Rumpology, also known as butt reading, is the art of reading
the lines, crevices, dimples, and folds of the buttocks to
divine the butt owner's character and get a glimpse of what lies ahead
by analyzing what trails behind.

According to Jacqueline Stallone, a foremost American
rumpologist, rump reading is an art that was practiced in ancient
Babylon, India, Greece, and Rome. She claims that the ancient Greeks thought
the butt was the key to health and fidelity. She says the Romans used butt
prints the way some people use graphology today:
to determine potential talents and future success.

She does readings by mail. Just send her a digital photo of
your rump and she will analyze it for a fee ($125, and she takes major credit
cards and PayPal). Her
website includes
examples of appropriate rump shots, including one of "a male action hero
movie star," "a Jewish princess," and "a Fortune 500 CEO." She'll not only
give you a butt reading for your money, but she'll send you an 8 1/2 x 11 glossy color print of your butt, suitable for
framing.

Stallone has not been tested by
Dr. Gary "The Validator"
Schwartz at his psychic-testing clinic at the University of Arizona, but
her son Sylvester says that his mother's greatest talent is her ability to
see the future.* It
is likely, though, that were she tested by The Validator her clients would
rate her accuracy at 75%-80% due to the
Barnum and
Forer effect.

Stallone claims that the left and right butt cheeks reveal a
person's past and future, respectively. She says she has a degree in
chemistry, but she must not have studied anatomy or physiology. She claims
any doctor will tell you that the body is like a warehouse which stores
everything. She thinks that the right buttocks represents the left cerebral
hemisphere of the brain, while the left buttocks represents the right
hemisphere. Her rump report, she says, can tell you "whether you are going
ass-backwards (into that little closet called the left brain)" or are going
forward with the right brain.

She even teaches others how to read
the future by looking at behinds. José Miranda,
for example, learned rumpology from Stallone. The Little Havana (Miami)
soothsayer became a hit on the "phenomenally popular and raunchy late-night
talk show 'La Cosa Nostra' on Spanish-language WJAN-TV Channel 41."*

Ulf
Buck (left) is a Rump Reader from Meldorf, Germany. He's also blind, yet he
claims he can read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks. (Ivan
Kelly calls him an asstrologer.) Buck says he spent many years
training his fingers to do the reading, a practice he started on a small
circle of friends but which has grown to include many prominent people,
including a stockbroker who apparently invests depending on his butt bumps.
Buck says that rumps "have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which
can be read to reveal much about character and destiny. An apple-shaped,
muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very
confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life. A pear-shaped bottom
suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth." Ulf has no
comment on those whose rumps are on their shoulders. (Tattersall
2003)

You can't deny that you can tell a lot about a person by looking at his
or her hindquarters and a person who has his or her butt read exposes a great deal
about themselves. Having the benefit of hindsight, however, I think I can safely say that
this ancient art should have been left in the can.

However, for those who would like to pursue a career in this potentially
lucrative field, I have posted my essay
"Rumpology
for Dummies."