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Monday, 31 December 2012

Well today is the last day of 2012. I weighed in at 206.0 lbs, a nice even number. It was not a great year for me, but I am happy to say I love the way it is ending. I am so glad that I decided to start my diet at the beginning of December instead of January. I am ending the year on a positive note, and starting 2013 on an excellent one!

I went to a few friends houses (work too) over the last couple of days and there are treats every where. I have not succumbed. I will not either. I know I will have to relax my approach to my diet, but I am not ready right now. I am still at the baby step stages. I am the type of person who if I eat one chip, I eat the whole freakin bag. I am so proud of myself and what I am doing that I dont want to jeopardize my goal.

Will I relax next week? Next month? A few months? I have no idea. I may only relax when I get to my goal weight. I already know what my goal is for 2014. My goal for next year is to maintain my goal weight. That is how sure I am that I am going to reach my goal before the end of 2013. My problem is not losing the weight, though it is very hard and frustrating. It is keeping it off. I have never been able to do that.

That is why my goal next year will be to maintain. I think that will be an even harder goal then losing 100 lbs.

***

I am finally home, after a supper long hard day. We were crazy busy. All the liquor stores in our area closed yesterday, because of the storm. So everyone who didnt shop yesterday, shopped today. All I can say is...WOW!

The manager brought in pizza, I had one piece of the veggie pizza. I had calorie counted it and it came in at 271. Not bad, not great. The only thing is I think it was high in salt. I didnt drink any water today. For one thing, it was too busy to drink water. The other reason...it was too busy to go pee all the time. Speaking of, I should go drink some water with a muscle relaxer. My back is freakin killing me.

Glug glug. Ah!

It is going to be January 1st tomorrow, which means it is time to start the second part of my goal. I have decided that my New Years resolution will be to exercise everyday. Shocking! I don't think I have ever heard of anyone doing that.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Holy crap on toast! I weighed in at 206.2 lbs. I didn't see that coming. As per my Scale Obsession page, that makes my total loss for the week a whopping 3.8 lbs!! I am eating all my calories, I never, I mean never cheat. I work really hard at work. There are days that I almost crawl home. Sometimes I work extra hard, to have a harder work out. That is really what it is. I bend over, pick up. I straighten and repeat. I do that from 2 hours to 7 hours a day. I don't do that every day though. Some days I just stand around. Even those days include exercise. I move and bag heavy items. My arms (under the cover of fat) are hard as rock. I would say I have heavy lifting days at least 2-3 times a week. Still...206.2!!!

We are in the midst of another snow storm. I don't have to work today, but I do have to shovel all freakin day. Its a good thing I want to exercise.

I have an appointment later today to get my gel nails done. I can't cancel, because it will be another few weeks before I can get in. They are way past due, and 2 are about to fall off. I just started to get my nails done, and I have absolutely fallen in love with them.

I got the ones on the left done in the middle of November. They remind me of a Santa hat. The ones on the right I got done on the first week of December. They are Christmas lights. The lady who does them, painted all the lights and cord my hand!

***

Tada! These are my new nails. They actually look much better in person.

***

Just came back in from shoveling. I think I shoveled for about 45 minutes and the neighbor came out to snowblow the rest...thank God for nice neighbors. My back hurts, and I am super tired. Going to go to bed early. I have a huge day tomorrow. The store closed today, so that means we are going to be ape shit crazy. Liquor stores usually are on New Years Eve.

I looked online to see what I needed to do to flush out my system after eating too much salt. They recommended drinking water through out the day, and lowering your salt intake for three days. Some sites say to drink lemon and water, some said to drink dandelion tea and some said take pills. I tried lemon and water and just plain water.

I have IBS too. I either have the poops or I dont go at all. I have been trying different things to see what makes me go or not. I have settled on prunes, or should I say dried plums. I found out that prunes changed their name to dried plums. Prunes are too old fashioned and are connected to old people. Now they are called dried plums. Either way, I love them. I tried Trophy dried plums and yummmmy, and I gotta say...they work.

I am so pumped. I just joined New Year New You 2013 Challengeon MyFitnessPal. It goes on for 10 weeks. There is a spread sheet and everything. That fits perfectly with my anal tendencies. It will help keep me motivated and maybe some new friends. Totally awesome! Color me happy.

***

Oh so tired. I did alot of walking and alot of heavy lifting. I checked online to see how much cals I burned at work. The job I compared myself to was the construction worker/waitress. They say that in a 8 hour shift, of continuous movement/walking was comparable to walking over 6 miles. I unload pallets of beer, and shelve wine also.

I did really good on my salt intake today. I was able to keep it under 1500. It was a challenge to find things to eat that did not add too much salt. I went grocery shopping to get the makings of my nom nom nommy chili. I bought no salt added diced tomatoes, no salt added sauces and paste. I also bought a roast to cook (its only raw chicken I wont have in my house), as another protein source.

Well I lowered the sodium from 490 mg to 140 mg per serving. That is pretty awesome. I cooked the roast, it have to divide it into serving sizes before I know the cals and sodium amounts. A lot more work to cook roast beef than to just buy deli slices. Especially since I love homemade roast beef.

Friday, 28 December 2012

Do I know my body or what?! I knew yesterday that I had eaten too much sodium. I had popcorn, deli slices, and my chili. I weighed in at 208.8 lbs. This weight increase comes as no surprise. I have a couple more things in my fridge that are high in sodium. I sure as hell wont throw them out, but I wont buy anymore. The shaved deli meat was soo easy to use and only 45 cals. It has a whopping 500 mgs of salt though :( Then there is my chili. Damn it all, I really liked my chili. I puree a huge amount of veggies, I add meat, kidney beans, canned tomatoes and canned tomato sauce. Nom nom nom. I can't see not making that again.

Its 9 am and I have drunk/drank ? 4 glasses of water all ready. Now that I think about it, I didnt drink a huge amount of water yesterday. I hardly went to the bathroom either, not good.

I boiled up a dozen eggs this morning, which I now regret, because my breakfast cals jumped from 205 to 355. Sheeesh. I will have to switch to egg white glop, blah blah. Oh well, its better for me anyways. Hmmm now what to have as a protein source?

Chicken...can not stand to have raw chicken in my house
Roast Chicken...Store bought/too much salt!
Eggs...high in fat
Egg White glop...High in protein/low fat
Roast beef...love the stuff
Baked Ham...love it too much
Shrimp...love them, cause constipation/high salt
Cheese...High fat/low protein
Greek Yogurt...Perfection/high protein/no fat/low salt
Garden Veggie Burger...Holy crap on toast high salt!
Hamburger...does not matter, not giving it up
Fish...Not giving that up either

I will have to think about this later. I have to go shovel out my driveway.

***

Wet wet snow. Thank goodness my neighbor went out with the snow blower last night, or I would have been there all day. It would have been great exercise, if I didnt die that is.

Glug glug...Still drinking!

***

I was so tired last night, I went to sleep around 9 pm. I already had a nap at 10am for another nap. I think I will hit the hay for another little one before work. I have not slept well for over 3 weeks so I imagine that I need to catch up.

***

Sooo tired. Heavy lifting day, with lots of walking. Going to bed early, since I have to get up early tomorrow to go to work. Lucky me, its more of the same, but a longer day. Yeah! Kicker is, I was supposed to be off, but they needed help.

I posted a pic of me, in the Progress Pic page. Hard thing to do, since I dont often let my picture be taken. I think the last one taken was over 2 years ago.

Thursday, 27 December 2012

That right, yup, I weighed in at 207 lbs. Onederland is coming! I have a series of mini goals, and I reached my December one already. I hope to reach my January one early too. I know that when I get towards my goal weight, that it will start to get tougher and tougher to reach my mini goals. The more I am ahead now, the better.

***

Just got home from work and it was a heavy lifting day. Tired tired tired! I like it because it means I do some pretty hard exercises for a long period of time. I was glad to get home in one piece tonight. We have a storm warning in effect, and it was crazy getting home. I will get more exercise tonight, since I will be shoveling all night. Oh well, I live in the Maritimes and we are used to snow here.

I really have to work on my sodium intake. I can feel the difference on the days that I eat eggs as apposed to deli meat. Or when I eat my Chili that has canned tomatoes. Both of those things are adding too much salt. I can actually feel myself bloating.

As I get better in my diet, my choices are getting better too. For example I have switched from eating my toast and sandwiches to Wasa crisp bread. My Dempster's bread was 110 cals per slice. Whereas the Wasa bread is 110 for two slices. It is supper crunchie, and I love it.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Well it is 3:34 in the morning and I am still awake. My body is restless, my mind wont shut off and of course my stomach is growling. I did my food diary on myfitnesspal earlier, and my sodium total was out of this world. The daily recommended amount of sodium intake should not exceed 2500, my total was 3758. The lovely yummy lobster had 1700mg of sodium! Holy crapola.

I think my New Years resolution will be really original...wait for it...I am going to promise to exercise every day! Shocking, I know. I am sure no one else has done something so crazy!

I will have to make up the rules before I start so that I dont change them after the fact.

I have to either walk/run (ha!)/jog/bike or do a form of body exercise every single day for 365 days. Hmmm, what about the liquor load days? Should I consider those as a form of exercise? I think I have to think on this. Every day at work is not a heavy lifting day. Only when I do the beer. So if I do beer, then I will list that as my exercise for the day.

I set up a page, and it has 365 days listed. On each day I will mark down what I did and for how long.

***

I forgot to put the garbage out damnit! The sound of the truck woke me up at around 8 this morning. Oh well. Lets go see the damage.

***

Right on. I weighed in at 209.0 lbs. Now I am going to a friends house to have a rum and eggnog at 10. I have not had breakfast, since it looks like I will be drinking my cals today.

***

Wow, that was delish. I totally enjoyed the drinks. I am glad I did not eat before hand, that way I could really enjoy having a drink. Meaning they hit me harder than if I had food in my stomach. That sounds kind of wrong, but I wanted a buzz, and I have not had a drink of any kind for a few months. I wanted the buzz, but not alot of drinks. No food+one drink=nice buzz.

I had a rum and eggnog, then two shots of Panama Jacks. Yummmm, and since she is my neighbor I was able to walk home. I did a calorie count of everything and my whole drinking binge was 382 cals. I made up our drinks, so that I could cheat a bit, without being obvious. No one is interested that you are on a diet, or that you dont want to drink your calories. Blah blah blah. I find it so much easier, and less stressful to take care of business myself. I didn't want attention, or discuss what I was doing, or run the risk of anyone saying, "why diet during Christmas". Well guess what? I lost weight instead of gained during Christmas...Bam baby!

I filled my glass with ice, then an ounce of rum then two ounces (used same shot glass) of full cal eggnog. Then put to more shot glasses of 1% milk. My drink looked like hers, but was probably half the cals as hers. I did the same thing when I made the Panama Jack drink. I drank mine straight up on ice, that way I did not have to add milk.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Today is Christmas Day, and that is good and bad in so many ways. I just got up, and I dont want to look at my scale. I am scared to see if the lobster and the couple of drinks will make a huge difference.

***

Ok not bad, I stayed exactly the same weight. Now I have to go to mom's for breakfast. Let the temptations begin. I think I am going to bring my spray butter and my tea. I had to stop drinking my Timmies or making black tea, because the only way I like it is with cream. Now I drink herbal tea, so I dont drink away my cals.

***

She only had pancakes! So I had one large one, without butter or syrup. She had fresh smushed strawberries with splenda and I just slathered my pancake with it. That was all I had, and I was ok with it. I think my eyes and stomach are starting to shrink. When I think about all that I used to eat, I dont understand why I have not gained more weight. I also dont understand why I am not losing more weight, by the same token. Ah the mysteries of life.

***

Just came home from opening presents at my mom's. There was not much since I am getting a bathroom reno from my Mom and step dad. My son already got a new smart phone a couple of weeks ago from moi, so nothing else from me. Mom already gave him some of his presents, since he needed some stuff for boxing. I am sooo tired, going to bed.

***

You know what? I had a huge AHA! moment. I did not gain weight during Christmas! How many people can say that. I am very proud of it. Instead of crying over all the food I didnt get to eat, I am grinning from all the weight I lost. :)

***

I have a Christmas tradition. I do a huge house cleaning on Christmas Day. I dont know why. My son usually spends the day with my mom, doing the family Christmas thing. I cant stand it, so I clean my house, and take down every single decoration.
***

Phew...finally done. Every thing smells wonderful, kind of Javexy. It is one of my favorite smells in the world. Sigh..I have run out of umph. I will do the bathroom tomorrow, because I am going to eat my second lobster. Nom nom nom.

***

Oh it was delish delish delish! I ate the body and little legs first. The claws were next, then I heated up a teaspoon of margarine and lustfully ate the tail. Heaven. Going to drink lots of water in hopes that it will flush all the salt out. Speaking of, gotta go have some water.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Merry Christmas!!!

Today is the start of a new week, and I weighed in at 209.6 lbs. It is going to be a super busy day, and very stressful. I will be doing things that I do not enjoy doing, like customer service...uhg. The other is dealing with my diet. I will have no problem sticking to it. The stressful part will be either having to explain to people that I will not be eating the same thing as them. Well you know what? It wont be hard at all. Everyone there has been very encouraging about all my life changes. Like when I quit smoking! They know I am on a diet, and I am sure that it wont be a big deal.

Got to get ready for work.

***

I was right. Holy crapolli, it was busy! I stayed true to my diet. I did not have any of the treats, or pop or anything that was offered. They had take out roast chicken, and I had some of that without skin. Tonight I came home and had a yummy lobster with out butter.

Tomorrows weigh in will be awful. I ate my lobster at 8 pm, and as we all know that is full of salt. I will be fully bloated. Ugh. Then I have been invited to mom's for Christmas breakfast. I am going to have to cal count before I go. My options wont be great. I probably wont eat lunch and have a light supper. She will probably have eggs, bacon, pancakes, juice, some sort of pastry. Going to do a cal count right now.

My weight will be higher tomorrow, but by all that is Holy, I will not break my diet.

***

Surprisingly, it wont be too bad. I can have two slices of bacon, one egg, one 4" diameter pancake (no syrup) one one toast for 330 cals. That is totally doable. So that leaves me able to eat my 2nd lobster for lunch. Yum Yum Yum. I will eat it slower. I think I inhaled the lobster tonight.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Thank goodness I was right. I weighed in at 210.0 lbs this morning. It will probably should be more, but I had to get up real early to get ready for work. I usually weigh myself more around 9 or so.

It is going to be a long hard day.

***

I am sooooon sore! I did alot of walking and a huge huge amount of heavy lifting. Unloading and reloading pallets of beer and unloading boxes of wine. All at a fast clip. If I look at the movement, its really alot of core work.

Followed my diet to the letter, and I no longer snack at night. I actually have not snacked at night since I started my diet. I have gone through the drive thru at BK several times, but I have never gotten anything for me. It was always for my son and I didnt feel deprived or anything. I WILL win! I will lose all my weight. Period!

Tomorrow at work they are having a takeout meal brought in from St Hebert. I asked for a salad and a piece of chicken. We are also having a meeting with treats, hot chocolate, coffee and tea. I am going to heat up a Carnation Breakfast drink and treat it like a hot chocolate. It has only a 150 cals, but it has 10 grams of protein. That way I dont waste calories, and hopefully it will help me keep me from stretching my diet too far.

***

I updated my scale obsession page, and I am glad I am doing that. It actually helps keep me motivated. I can see my numbers going up and down, but in the end I lost 2 lbs. It will also help me learn even more about my body. Next month will confirm my theory about water weight gain just before and during my period. If this totally scientific study confirms my theory, I am sure it will help keep my resolve. My 2 lbs loss also means I have reached my mini goal for December. Yippppeee!

***

I also updated my About Me page. Put a couple of pics of me on there. Scary stuff.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

I am very surprised how well I am taking not losing weight. I have studied my body and its weird peccadilloes for a very long time. I am a 100% sure that this is water weight from my Red Tide of Pain. My guess is (I hope to God), that in a day or two, that I will have a jump in weight loss. I say...about 5 pounds.

I have not been snacking, I have not cheated, I have not gone over my cals, I have not gone under my cals. I have been eating nutritiously.

The other option is that I have hit a plateau. I have lost weight a few times and I seem to hit plateaus that correspond with how I gain weight. Here goes the idea. When I start regaining my weight, I seem to stay at a certain weight for awhile then jump up. When I lose weight, it goes the other way. There is one at 230, 210, 197, 180, 165, and 150. It is sad that it has happened enough times that I actually know and remember those.

The hardest one will be 197 lbs. That was my last one and I was there for a whole month, and I did P90x twice a day and walked for 2 hours every day. Nothing got my weight down. Looking back, I see that I was not eating enough, that I was exercising too much. I also realize that I was super muscular. Under all my fat, I was rock hard every where. I did not take that into account. That I was losing weight, but building muscle.

It will be interesting to see what the next few days brings. It will not be a deal breaker, because it does not matter if I dont lose 5 lbs in a couple of days. I am in for the long haul.

I do not lose faith or will power because I am not losing as much as I think I should
I will not snack on Christmas treats
I am in this for the long haul
I am proud of the effort I have put into my new goal

I have to start thinking what my New Years Resolution is going to be. Hmmm, maybe exercise everyday? Maybe 50 sit ups a day, or 50 squats, or both? Think think think.

Friday, 21 December 2012

I was right, I started the day with cramps and you guessed it...my F'n period. I was soo hungry last night, and the chocolate in the countdown calender was calling me by name. I knew something was coming. I stayed true though and did not go over my cals. Yippeee me.

I dont know what I weigh yet. It can go one of two ways. One I lost some of my water weight, or I gained more water weight. I want to lay in bed for a bit more before I find out. Let the suspense build. Not really, I am just being lazy, the house is cold. I dont want to to get up, strip and weigh myself until I have to get ready for work.

Its almost Christmas, so today will be crazy busy at work. Uhg...nothing like being on the rag and having to work hard AND being on a diet. My co workers may die, because I am staying away from chocolate.

***

Damn it all...211.2 lbs. I guess not a weight loss day. Gotta go get ready for work.

***

Holy crap I am tired. Long day, and everything is sore. It was not a heavy lifting day, or a running around day, was more a, stand all day in one spot kind of day.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Yup, that is right! I weighed in at 211.8 lbs today. Why? I guess because life should not be easy. Mother F'er. Surprisingly I am not upset or discouraged. I am doing what I should be. I am following a good well balanced diet. I am not cheating in any way. I know that to the bottom of my heart. I am not second guessing myself, because I know there is nothing more I could have done. I am working extra hard at work, so that everything I do is an exercise.

I figure my body is just being an asshole, and wants to fight back. There is not much I can do about it really. What am I going to do? Stop? Give up? What happens then? I gain weight again, or I maintain. That is not an option, so I guess that means I just keep on going.

I am going to figure out what my weight loss per week.

***

Went for another walk outside. Things are melting so it hasn't been as cold as it was the last couple of days. Thats always a plus. I did a chart/list thingie that shows what I lost everyday (cuz yes I am that anal) and weekending too.

***

I went to my sisters to drop off her Christmas present, and to pick up mine. She always has great food, and I made a promise to myself that I would not eat any. She gave me food for Christmas! My heart fell, and I said, Please tell me that is not a cheesecake in there! Nope, its not. It was full of Kirkland shrimps, sole, almonds and laughing cow cheese. It was the best Christmas present ever. It was good for me food!

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

I wont pull out the drum roll too many times, since that should be reserved for special moments. I weighed in today at 210.8 today. I have reached my December goal, so everything else that happens this month is gravy! I will loose another few pounds for sure. Color me happy today.

***

Snow Day!! Every one is happy all round today.

***

I am having my usual Dempster's toast with almond butter. I want to see if it makes a difference in my hunger levels. Another thing I didnt think about yesterday, was that I was off. I had more time on my hands and brain to think about food and being hungry. I am going to work later this afternoon and it will be a heavy lifting day I am sure. I will be crawling home by 9:30 tonight.

I have no idea what I am going to have for supper, let alone lunch today. Hmmmm. Probably make a sandwich for lunch. Oh and I have a veggie burger left over. Hard thinking for the day is over.

***

Tired! Worked like a crazy person, didn't snack and didn't feel hungry. Time for bed. Wonder what scale will say tomorrow.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

What!? 212.6 lbs. It sure as hell isnt because I have cheated! I have been working like a crazy person at work. I better go look to see if my period is due soon....

...I started my last period on November 25th, I usually go about every 21 days, but my system has been screwy lately. Either way, I always gradually gain weight (water) for a week or more before my period. Its got to be that.

I do not get discouraged
I do not let the number on the scale get me down
I do not lose will power because I am not losing according to my big plan!!!!
I am happy at how well I am doing
I am proud of myself for not giving into all the Christmas treats that are around work
I do not snack at night

The good thing about a diet, for me anyways, is that I make a huge effort to eat better. More fruits and veggies. I make sure the carbs I eat are as good as possible. For example, instead of white bread, I am eating Dempster's Ancient Grains. That be some serious heavy s%*t!

High Fructose Corn Syrup

I watched a program the other day about High Fructose, so I am making an effort to not eat anything with that in it.

***

Very Hungry today. I am going to look over what I ate today, and what times I ate. Should not be feeling this hungry.

***

Looked back and I didnt have my regular toast and almond butter which is 300 cals. I had scrambled eggs and it was only 180 cals. So I didnt eat enough.

***

I went for a nice walk after supper. I was hungry and my son left almost all his food on his plate. Normally I would pick off of it, this time I just threw it out! Then I went out. It was already dark and pretty chilli, but I am glad I did. It was nice to look at all the Christmas Lights. I think I will pick a street that is all lit up for Christmas and walk there the next time.

***

Wonder what I will weigh tomorrow? Will I keep going up? Or will the million times I went to the bathroom make a difference? Hmmmm? For my own sanity, I sure hope I go down! It doesnt matter though. I am in for the long haul. I am going to lose weight. It just wont be fast. What is that stupid saying...slow and steady wins the race. Damn it.

Monday, 17 December 2012

I weighed in at 212 on the dot. This is how it went the last time. I had to fight for every pound. Is it better that way? You will more likely remember the pain you went through to lose. I don't know. I just know it is frustrating and depressing. I lost like 5 lbs a month, but it would only show just before or after my period. I figure that I start gaining water weight while I am losing fat. When my period hits I lose the water weight. This leaves me emotional and obsessed.

***

Soooo tired. Emptied pallets, restacked beer, stocked wine. Sooo tired. Didnt sleep well last night at all. My ears were buzzing, so I figure I drank too much herbal tea. I am keeping to 1200 to 1300 cals a day, no cheats!! I am going to start calorie shifting soon, that way my body does not know whats coming and acclimatize.

Eating a honkin big salad for supper for two reasons tonight. One to eat some veggies and cause I need to poop. Have not gone for a bit, and nothing works better for me. This is on top of Metamucil three times a day. I have IBS and it goes from diahrea all the time, to being constipated. Fun and games all the time. The less I eat the less I poop. Imagine! I also find that I dont poop often. I figure I will have to up my veggie intake.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

I think I should have been a dietician, if I wasnt so fat that is. I know everything there is to know about nutrition and diets and blah blah. I know what I should do, I just dont do it. When ever I hear something new, I research the shit right out of it.

You have to read up on both sides of it. You read the promo stuff, 'Oh this is the best thing ever!', then you read the, 'you love Satan, and you will go to Hell if you follow this idea!' After sifting through all that you get the truth of the matter.

The first one I really looked into was the Fit for life . The idea was to eat fruits and veggies in the morning and heavier stuff at night. I really dont remember much about it, because that was over 20 years ago!

Recently (last 3 years) I looked into a whole bunch of ideas. One was Eat Stop Eat . It is very detailed and the concept is very interesting. I did this during my last weight loss craze and I actually felt really good while I did this. Some people have a hard time not eating for a day. I never did. Once I was is in the 'zone' that is. I found it very calming in a way. I actually did not think of food. I knew I could not eat it, so I didnt even stress out over it.

The other one I looked into and did, was The 4 Hour Body . A large book, and again an interesting concept. I think this one was my downfall, on my last diet plan. There are a few of the elements in this diet that I still utilize. Like making a repetitious meals. I would not mind rereading it, but I dont believe I will go near it again. No carb is not a good idea for me.

The Paleo diet is another one I looked into alot. From everything that I read about it, it seems logical. I have IBS and one of the things I did to find a solution to my problem was to follow a Homeopath. One of the things he got me to do, was to eat a very restricted diet (called an Elimination diet)for a couple of weeks. After that I was able to introduce one type of food per week and document the results. It was a huge huge huge eye opener. I absolutely recommend that to everyone!!!!!

I was able to tell which foods caused what problems. Everything from a snotty nose, to hard poop. I documented everything. So when I looked into the Paleo died (right after the strict diet), it made statements that corresponded with what I found out about myself.

Pasta...caused me to have diarrhea
Milk/Dairy...caused slimy poop and snotty nose (weird)
Shrimps...hard poop (so if I find my IBS going crazy, I eat shrimp)
Tomato/Sauces...causes me to have diarrhea
Spices...ditto
Romain Lettuce...dont even have time to eat it before I am poopin it back out!
Orange juice...ditto, so if I am constipated, I eat lettuce or dring OJ

I pull elements from all the different diets and mush it up into one big one that fits me and my life.

After the Homeopath, I can say that I have an addiction to carbs. Like, you can never stop at one chip. I find that when I have pasta, I cant stop at one serving. Or potatoes, or chips. So I try not to eat anything white. No cereal, no pasta, no potatoes, no sugar and I am still working on the salt. I have bread because I can control that, since who the hell can over do 12 grain ancient grain bread?

It is 12:06 in the morning and I just got home from my Christmas party. I got called in to work early. I ended up working 9.5 hours and I was TIRED. I wanted to back out of the party, but really, I had to go. The people I work with are super nice and there is no excuse good enough for me not to go. Me not wanting to wreck my diet is not good enough.

I actually had a good time! I usually hate parties of any sort, but this one was kind of nice. There was drinking involved, but I held my self to two, plus one shot. Food wise was kind of iffy. I did not eat any chips, or dip but I did eat like 10-15 shrimp. Then maybe 7 small meatballs. Really I was good. The iffy part I guess comes from I wish I had not eaten anything. I ate toast for breakfast, lunch and snack. My cals before the party were at 1300. I did not plan my food properly and was left just grabbing something quick. I felt hungry all day, then guilty that I went over my cals.

Does not really matter since I came home and puked everything up. Yes I puked on purpose.

Its the first thing I did when I got home, after I let the dog out of course. Then in the bathroom I went and out it came. Phew.

I know that when I get up tomorrow, my weight will not make me happy, but its only a small bump. I dont have any other parties to go to. I am by myself for Christmas this year, so I dont have any big temptations to get through for the holidays.I will write more when I get up. Ta ta.

***

Well, its better than I thought. I weighed in at 211.6 lbs. Double and triple checked of course. I should drink more often, cause I slept for a full 8 hours! I never do that. It was wonderful. I am going to think about making an actual food menu this week. I like making large quanities of something and eating left overs. Its much easier and I am not as tempted to over eat. Weird I know.

I weighed in at 211.8 lbs this morning. I am a little obsessed that I didnt go down. But I knew this was coming. Its not like I can continue to loose a pound a day! Just have to convince my inner voice of that. Of course to make the day even more trying...I am going to my work Christmas party, and wow I do not want to go! I know I have to have cheat days, and try to live my life while I am on this journey. But feels too rickety, too new, fresh and easily broken. I am not stupid. I have been in this position before. All excited about losing weight, everything going relatively easy. I know what it feels like to hit a plateau and not be able to get through it.Then slowly loosing will power and interest in bettering myself.

I have included my son this time, and I am keeping this journal. I hope, strike that. I am very happy and committed to see this journey through, but like I said, this is just the start. To help me have a good idea of what I am getting myself into, I did a calorie count on the food that is going to be there. Its a small party, and we all wrote down what we were bringing. I am bringing a nacho dip, that is made out of sour cream, cream cheese, salsa and shredded cheese. Lets just say that just one pkg of cream cheese is over 900 cals! If I have a couple of dips it will be over 150 cals.

I was a little depressed about that. I tried to back out of going to party, explaining that I was on a new DIET! and did not want to risk going. I told them about the cals of my dip, and they said something that made a light bulb go off. I am a very smart person. Really I am. Sometimes I get so caught up in my brain, that common sense does not enter it. You know what they said? "So...like dont eat it! There are going to be shrimp and veggie trays, eat from those!"

Sigh, brilliant isn't it? Duh, right I dont have to eat it.

I am not going to eat everything that is offered
I am strong
I am staying true to my diet because that is more important than food
I am strong
I can picture myself a smaller me

There is going to be some drinks, and I have done a calorie count on that too. I am going to bring my own egg nog (light) and some skim milk. I wont be making a big production of it, since I am bringing a bag with my dip and chips.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Happy day! I weighed myself this morning and came in at 211.2 lbs. Verrrry nice. I know that I wont continue at this speed of weight loss, and some of what I lost will be 'water weight'. I already feel a difference in my clothes. Instead of feeling like things are just a itty bitty too tight, they fit just right. If a size 20 is just right. All my clothes are loose fitting, I hate hate hate having clothes that cut in anywhere. Well, not my bra. My bras are 4 hook, wide strap monstrosities. I do not want to hang or jiggle when I am in public...ever!

I am writing this while I leisurely eat my breakfast. Bite here, bite there and a little sip of herbal tea. I know all about conscious eating, or being in the moment. But I focus so much on food normally, that I am trying to break that cycle. My normal way, was to make my breakfast as fast as possible, eat it as fast as possible then go back to bed. Then wake up and eat 2nd breakfast (like a hobbit).

So now I take a shower, do a load of laundry and put my tea to steep. Start my dishes then put my toast in. I finish my dishes (never that much), put some almond butter on my toast. I then do a quick sweep of the house and I tidy up a bit. Then I eat breakfast. I try to make it last 15 minutes or so. That way my mind and body are aware that I have eaten breakfast.

Today...I am going to stop after I am done eating and go for a walk with my dog! This is huge! Its not like I never walk him. For the first year of his life I walked him every day, sometimes twice a day. But when he went all hinky, I stopped being strict about it. I am going out today, maybe not for too long. I am just trying to take that first step.

Monday I am starting an exercise program. These are just the baby steps before that moment.

***

I am back! I went out for a walk, and guess what? No one tried to kill me, laugh at me, run me over, looked at me like I was an alien or anything...shocking! Milo is happy and so am I. Gotta go get ready for work now.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

I was trolling the internet trying to find out what 10 lbs of fat looks like. I wanted to visualize it, for motivational purposes. I came across the normal images of 1 pound of butter, one pound of fat in a hand...not what I was looking for. I was looking for mass. Then I ran across this. I think it is even better than a pic. You can see it from different angles, and you can really see just how big and gross 18 lbs of fat looks like.

I never realized, fully realized what fat looks like. Ok thats wrong. I know what fat looks like, obviously! When he put that chunk of fat under his shirt, it made me see what I have lost or gained. Another thought...how can a person be anything but unhealthy with all that under their skin? I know right now I am all gung-ho about changing my life, but wow. I am looking at the still of the video right now, and it comes to me I have just lost 1/2 of that. I also need to loss another 4 1/2 of those! Uhg! Well its gotta be done. Gotta keep truckin'.

Yippeeee! 212.4 on my new scale!!!! I checked with my other scale and
it shows almost 2 pounds difference. I will be getting rid of it,
because I dont want to play that game.

I am so proud of the effort I am putting in
I can do this
I do not eat at night
I do not eat anything after I have eaten super
I do not pick at left overs (hard)
***
I spent all day yesterday transferring all my info onto a new email address, new blog, new google +, and new picassa. Sheeesh, just because they did nt like my nick name. I didnt want my real name out there, so I put my nickname as my name. Note to self, dont do that again.

I did great yesterday. I did not over eat, kept to my meal plan. The only real upset I had was that my new scale added on a few pounds. Its like I have to re-lose the same pounds I worked to take off. I took a few pics of myself to show the before and after. Yuk, is all I can say. I will be wearing the same clothes each time so I can see the difference clearly. Unfortunately, the only white shirt I found was wrinkle shitty mess. Next time I will make sure to be more presentable. It is not easy taking pics of yourself... hands free...with a timer. I may post later I dont know.

Its really early in the morning, so I will wait a bit before weighing myself. I am going to use both machines to see how big of a difference there is. I found a pic of fat that helps keep it in perspective though. I lost at least 5 lbs since I started, and this is what it looks like...

I had a hard time believing it, because I dont feel like I have lost that. So I went to look at a 5 lbs of sugar, 5 lbs of potatoes and it is totally real. Or a more accurate example would be a pound of butter x 5. Holy crap, I am carrying alot of extra weight. No wonder I am tired.

I could not sleep last night, and I got up super early today. Why you
ask? Cause I was freakin starvin! You know what I did? I did not eat. I
was not even tempted to. The force is strong in this one. I even did a
couple of crunches and sunny sides.

Its 2 in the morning and I was still not sleeping, so I decided to see
where my floor was level. I was on my bathroom floor with a level trying
to find the perfect, optimal scale spot!

I weighed myself this morning and it said something like 212 lbs. That
was too good to be true, so I proceeded to weigh myself everywhere. Too
many fluctuations. I tried my bedroom next. I found the most levelest
spot in the house is my room. Off came the clothes and I weighed in at
214 lbs.

***

Sad sad news. Bought a new scale and my it added almost 3 lbs to my
weight. :( How sad is that. I am going to keep both for a bit, just to
confirm the difference. My new start weight will now be 221 lbs

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

I was hungry last night! But I stayed firm and did not snack. I weighed
myself this morning and I was 215 lbs on the dot. No matter where I went
that is what it read. I was a bit upset but really my weight was all
over the place yesterday, it was definite today.

I looked up how to weigh yourself properly and I actually found something!
-Make sure your floor is level..mine isnt so I am going to find a place that is level and mark it!
-make sure you weigh yourself same time, same clothes...blah blah everyone knows that
-make sure you use same scale and same place too
-weigh your self more than once in a week (3)and do an average of the 3 to find out what you lost...yeah...nope

So I researched best weight scale to own and it is the Taylor
Electronic, but really anything digital should be good. You can test
your own by putting a weight on it. Which I will do asap!

I spent most of the evening looking at other peoples blogs and wow there
are alot out there. I then learned to narrow the search by clicking on
key words that are on my profile page. Like weight loss. Everyone else
who had that listed in their interest section showed up. So I trolled
happily all evening.
I also figured out what my BMI is 35.2, and I am considered Obese class
II. I should weigh 114 lbs to 155 lbs. and I found it here
http://www.calculator.net/bmi-calculator.html

I think I may make this blog about losing 100 lbs in one year. I
averaged it out and its 8 lbs per month, two lbs per week. Hmmmm. Am I
up for this challenge? I have to add something else. Something that
deals with exercise. Hmmmm, total amount of steps per week, miles per
week, something. I will have to research that a bit and see what would
be logical.

***Ok lots of different answers for that one. Basically though it is 150
minutes a week, which breaks down to 30 minutes a day. Strength
training is a lot less. Minimum is twice a week, does not specify amount
of time, just that you should do it.

So officially in black and white, drum roll please!!

I am going to lose 100 lbs in one year

I am going to exercise every day for half an hour

It is official because I told my son! Well I told him and he said is
this time for real? Yes it is. He thinks 100 is too much. Really he is
right, so I may have to rethink the total. My young Yoda, said it is
better to weigh more and be hard then thin and out of shape. Sigh, I
sure do love him. I am going to ask him to take pics of me every month.
Side, front and back and one face shot. I think seeing the results will
help me. Oh ya I have to measure myself again. I did a year ago, but
since I am restarting I better do it right.

I guess I am kind of cheating, since the end goal has to be reached by end of December 2013, and I am starting now.

Well F*&@ that, I am ready now. I am motivated now. Now is when I am starting!

Weird thought..
100 lbs in one year...365 days in one year
100 divided by 365 = .27 lbs a day
or
12 months in a year
100 divided by 12= 8.33 lbs
Hmmm since I weigh myself everyday, lets go for .27 lbs a day for awhile and see how that goes.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Sigh...yeah. Oh well. So
took a shower and weighed myself a total of like 50 times. First time I
weighed myself it showed 215, then 214, 211, 218, 217, 215. I decided to
go with 215. I think I am going to spend money on a good scale.

I made chili, cause what is better than soup or stew or a chili on a
cold snowy day? I put carrots, onions, celery, bokchoy (left over),
peppers all in a chopper/blender and pureed the shit out of all the
veggies. This is in hopes that my son will have some without knowing
what is in there.

I only eat at a set time (two hours between meals)
I do not eat when I am bored
I make my meals
I do not take easy way out and eat take out

***

Well well well! I did verry good today. Didnt snack, had to convince
myself of that once or twice. My chili was too good. I had a hard time
sticking to one bowl. But I kept on repeating I only eat at a set time
(two hours between meals), and that actually helped.

I think I may use that more often. Like I said I always think of food,
and I am usually planning my next meal before I finish eating the first
meal.

I do not think of food all the time
I stop myself thinking of food all the time
I think of something else everytime I start thinking of what I could eat

There was another book I read about eating every two to three hours and
eating 300 cal meals. I did that during my last diet and I have to say
it worked really well. I think I had the most problem with portion
control. Try to create a 300 cal meal that is a balanced! I got pretty
good at it, before I quit.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

So had another great day. Its 8:30 at night and I have not snacked.
Though I feel kind of hungry I have not gone in the kitchen to eat
anything. I went to visit my grandmother, and that usually means that I
eat while I am there. Stayed out of her kitchen too. Yeah me!

Did a lot of reading, and cleaning and I was a bit cranky and supper
tired. That is to be expected since I have cut out a huge amount of
carbs from my diet.

I can do this
I do not get tempted to break my diet
I can do this
I look good today
I do not eat when I am bored
I do not think about eating just after I have eaten
I look at labels so that I make conscious choices about what I am eating

Tomorrow, I must go walking!!! No excuse will be accepted!!! And I have to do a couple of exercises, from P90x!!!

Did really good today. Still have to get through the evening. Fighting
the urge to go eat!!!! I am going to have to give up my timmies. I want
to eat my calories instead of drink them.

I look good
I keep positve
I do not have a hard time loosing weight

***

K, I succumbed at 7:30 tonight. I ate a chicken drumstick and veggies.
I was feeling kind of bad about it, but I Logged in my food for the
whole day, and I was only 100 cals over. Yippee for me.

***

Yeah me! I think I will clean the kitchen before I even
eat. Nah that doesnt make sense. Make supper, make a plate for me and
my son. Then put away the left overs! Out of sight out of mind. Anyways I
feel hungry a bit, but I am playing mind games with myself. Goes like
this. Oooo I feel hungry! Hahaha means you are loosing weight! Right on!
Good for you!

So everytime I saw myself in the mirror today I tried to be postive. I
usually dont look for one thing. If I do, I say shitty things, like holy
fuck! Or damn you look fat. Or that cant be me :( So today when I saw
myself, I said things like...you will look better tomorrow, cause you
are working so hard today. Its ok Josee, imagine what a difference 10
lbs will make. By Christmas you will have lost 10 lbs and you will be
very proud of yourself! You can do it! Seriously I was saying that all
day.
I can do this
This is not impossible
I am hungry, but I am not starving
I am not taking needless trips into the kitchen
I will not get depressed if I dont loose weight everyday
I will not snack at night!!!!!

Friday, 7 December 2012

Well I did pretty good food wise yesterday. But when I got home I was
hungry!!! I usually eat alot when I get home, so I knew I would have a
problem. I didnt go crazy with eating but I have to really work on that.
I counted everything (calories) so I could see what I ate and where I
have to work on my food intake. Either way, very good first day. Today
is going great too, already getting my withdrawal headaches, which is
good. I am a pro at dieting, so I know I need a few good days before I
get completely in the zone. I am glad I am doing this before Christmas,
because who knows how much more I would have gained before the new year.
This way I will have lost some for Christmas and already be on my way
to a new me before the new year. Blah blah blah. Hey I am trying to
convince myself so shut up!

So here goes more positive thinking

I am doing great
I only eat when I am hungry
I am not ugly
I do not say bad things about myself in my head
I am happy
I dont mind looking in the mirror

My name is Josee, and I have a problem. I
wish it was that easy. I wish I could come on here and act like I was in
some sort of AA group for Obese people. I wish I could spew all the
garbage that was in my head and feel clean and relieved. I wish I could
stay away from food like a drinker can booze when they quite drinking. I
wish life was easier. I wish that I could exercise like I say I'm
gonna. I wish I could stick things through. I wish I had more courage. I
wish that I could think better of myself. I wish I could control my
thoughts better. I wish I had clothes that fit. I wish I could look at
myself in the mirror and like what I see. I wish I could even look in
the mirror. I wish I had more money. I wish I had someone. I wish I
could come back here on MFP and not feel like a looser. I wish I came
back to MFP sooner. I wish I didnt feel so embarrassed about gaining
some of my weight back. I wish I could go to a job that I liked. I wish I
could have more energy and not be so God awful tired all the time. I
wish I really had a best friend. I wish I didnt have to use MFP, cause
it means Im still fat. I wish I wasnt fat. I wish my son was not
embarrassed to be seen with me. I wish I wasnt so fucked up. I wish I
didnt have to make hard decisions. I wish I could pay all my bills. I
wish I didnt feel like I am always falling down. I wish I didnt feel
like an idiot all the time. I wish I didnt feel so lonely all the time. I
wish I wasnt depressed. I wish I stopped doing bad things to myself.I
wish I was someone else. I wish I knew what to do.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Ok, so I kind of did what I said I would. I am actually proud of myself .
I got up, weighed myself (of course after I went to the bathroom). I
had to weigh myself in more than one place. The first spot, in my room, I
weighed in at 219. So I went to my usual spot, the bathroom, right in
front of the door. I have tried (in the past) every single spot in my
house to see where I weighed the least. Right in front of the counter
and in front of the bathroom door is by far the best place. I weighed in
at 216. 6 there. So I had some water, boiled some eggs while I took a
shower. I said positive things to myself. Oh right I have to write some
positive things now.

I am loosing weight
I find it easy to loose weight
I love myself
I am a happy person
I only eat when I am hungry

That last one is the one I have been repeating over and over again. I am
trying to convince my mind that I am not hungry all the time. How can I
still be hungry even after I have eaten? I usually am. I think about
food before, during and after eating. I am usually planing on what to
eat next before I am even finished eating. If I go out to eat, I will
usually eat something before hand so that I dont eat too fast while I am
out, or feel to hungry while waiting for the food. I act like a
starvation victim.

Ok so I have not exercised yet today, though I will be working hard when
I go to work.. Really that is just a lazy thought! I got caught up in
the internet allllll morning. I have to seriously think about cutting
back on that. I knew while I was doing it that I should be shutting the
computer down. What I was watching wasnt even that great, or life
changing. It was like I was focusing on that instead of dealing with
life. Hmmm was that an Epiphany? Yup, I think it was. I know I did use
it as a tool to stay out of the kitchen. I have got to use exercise to
do that though.

Another thing I read awhile back, was to visualize yourself thin. I lost
alot of weight when I was younger and I did that all the time. It
works! Every time I was hungry I would imagine I was loosing weight.
When I went to bed at night and I wanted to eat, I pictured myself all
hot and skinny. Over and over again.When I started to loose weight I
tried on smaller clothes that I had put away, and imagine myself in
smaller and smaller clothes. It was like being on a roller coaster ride
all by myself. No in my own world, where I was living and talking and
imagining a whole life in my brain. When you are in that place (the
zone), I had no problem not wanting to eat all the time. Or if I did
want to eat, I would not, because that meant I was going to loose more
weight.

I am an all or nothing kind of gal. Or out of sight out of mind. When I
am on a diet, I can weigh myself a million times a day. I can obsess
about loosing loosing loosing. When I am not dieting, I totally avoid
the scale, open the fridge like a famine victim. I refuse to look in the
mirror, let alone talk to myself in a positive manner. I usually say
things (in my head) like, fuck me! God Josee. What the hell is wrong
with you? Well you f%$#ed up, try again tomorrow. Since you already
f%$#ed up, might as well go crazy apeshit. F%$# you are fat! Holy crap
you are fat and ugly. OMG, your eyes are so small now, because of your
fat face.

I love myself
I am loosing weight
I can do this
I love myself
I am not hungry

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Here we go again. Its 11:09 on December 5th 2012. I restarted my
profile on MyfitnessPal, and updated my current weight.. Blah. I read
some of my blog posts from a year ago and wow I was doing great! I had
lost 50+ pounds, then bam!!! All in the shitter. Yeah yeah, I have a
whole bunch of excuses. I could go on forever. Depression, anxiety, fear,
but mainly I think its because I am lazy. So how do you fight being
lazy? I am not sure.

During my last weight loss attempt, I read a book, that said you have
to keep on saying positive things to yourself. You keep on saying them
even though you really dont believe them. You say them until you believe
them. I had done that, and wrote all these things down on my cell
phone. I would read them to myself over and over again during the day. I
could feel it working. My phone has since died, so I dont remember
everything I wrote. Hmmmm.You have to say them in the present
tense...like I am full of energy, I love to walk, I exercise every day.

So here goes my new list.

I write in my blog everyday, because I can see my progress.
I am not lazy
I am full of energy
I love to exercise
I walk every day
I find it easy to loose weight
I love myself
I have no problem looking in a mirror
I am not a quitter
I eat proper meals
I do not eat take out
I am not hungry
I only eat when I am hungry
I do not eat when I a bored
I do not eat when I am scared or tired
I do not eat when I am depressed
I drink my 8 glasses of water a day
I do not quit

I will copy and paste and add as I think of more.

So I am going to start my diet tonight! Even though I am going to bed.
When I wake up tomorrow, I am going drink a glass of water with a bit of
lemon. I am going to log into MFP and figure out what I should eat for
breakfast. Then I am going to go for a walk. When I come back I am going
to have another glass of water while I log onto MFP again to figure
what I am going to eat for the rest of the week and go shopping to get
the right food! That is my plan and I am going to stick to it.

I figured out my BMI is 34.9 So I am considered obese. Sometimes I see
myself as the biggest one on the right. But as I look at myself I think
realistically I am the second from the right. I found this web site
http://www.mybodygallery.com/ where you put in your height and weight
and body shape and it shows you pics of other woman at that weight. It
supposed to help you get a realistic view of your body size.

Monday, 26 November 2012

So I started my freakin period this morning! Ug. Feel like crap. Ate
some chips today. My theory is you are legally bound to eat junk on your
period. If you dont you might kill somebody. So I weighed myself this
morning and I came in at 217 and change. Blah.

Went shopping for my birthday present today with my mom. It was back in
September, but I could not find or decide what I wanted. Finally decided
on an electric fireplace. Went to Walmart and got that and a carpet to
put on my living room floor. I also went to the Dollar Store (not really
a dollar anymore). I got some candles and candle stuff to put in my new
and improved living room. I also started getting Christmas stuff. I am
going to decorate this year. I have not for awhile.

I cant put up a Christmas tree, because my huge dog will eat it or knock
it over with his deathly tail. I decided to hang my ornaments from the
ceiling, I love Christmas lights so I figure I am going to go kind of
crazy with that shit too, I love the smell of pines so I might buy some
pine branches, group them together and hang them from a corner. That
might be my special tree. I can just see it now. Lovely.

This is all part of my master plan. Like I said I decided to fix myself
and to do that I decided to fix my house. I thought that I could make
my house look as nice as I could afford then I would start to feel
better about certain aspects of my life. I would start cleaning and
respecting my house more. So my family got on board. My Aunt gave me a
living room set that was just being stored in her basement. It looks
great! I painted or retouched most of the paint, and have been cleaning
everyday.

It makes me get up at a reasonable time in the morning to clean. Then I
walk the dog so I can fulfill my other promise to myself. I didnt walk
today, but I did walk yesterday and it was a very nice walk in the dark
(my favorite time, because no one can see me).

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

I am fat, I have been fat longer than I have been small. When I look at
pictures of when I was smaller or remember myself when I was younger I
wish I was that small again. Funny thing was I thought I was fat then. I
am as of this morning 216 and change. When I first started thinking I
was fat I was probably 16... AND I was only 130 lbs! What the hell is
wrong with that picture? Why did I think I was fat back then?

I knew I was pretty, I actually was scared of being pretty. I went back
and forth between wanting to attract boys to being scared of them. Its
only later in life that I figured out that that was a safety mechanism I
had. Was I scared of boys because of my step dad? (talk about that
some other day) My absent dad? Again some other day.

I want to loose weight. I have tried and lost weight more times than I
can count. Why is that soo hard? I lost over 100 lbs when I was 26. I
went from 235 to 135 lbs. How did I do that? I stopped
eating. I ate two bowls of cereal in the morning. One was good for me
like All Bran. One was a super sugar one like Captain Crunch. Then for
lunch I had a package of low fat ham. I would drink orange juice during
the day and that would be it until the next day. As I lost more weight I
got more and more excited. I couldnt sleep for being excited and
dreaming of what I would look like. I weighed myself a couple of times a
day, right after I had a poop. After awhile I could not poop really,
thats why I added the orange juice. If I went to sleep on my stomach my
hips would bruise. I loved that. I started getting a bruise from where
my big mens watch rested. Oh my collar bones started to show, I thought I
started to fly. I started having a habit of rubbing my finger over
those bones. Over and over.

Well needless to say that didnt last. I reached my goal, wanted to get
thinner. Started going on no food days, or all fruit days. Then I
started to puke. Yup I started puking everyday. I lived a few houses
from where I worked, so I could go home to puke. I wasnt even binging, I
would eat something like a piece of cheese. Well that couldnt stay in
there! So out it came. You cant puke easily without lots of water in
your stomach, for me at least. So you drink water as you eat so it comes
up easy. When I puked it was like a huge release. Ahhhh.

So anyways, I decided to do a daily journal that could be both private
and public. Private in the sense none of my family and friends would
read this. Public to anyone else who happened to come across it. I dont
expect anyone to read this.

I want to fix myself. I want to stop being depressed. I want to stop
being fat. I want to have a boyfriend. I want someone to love me, and I
want to love someone. I want to be accountable to someone about my
weight loss. Someone other than me. I want to write it down in black and
white so that I cant lie to myself anymore. I want to weigh myself
everyday and come here and write it down, so I can see it.

I want to write about my life, try to figure things out. I want to get mad about it and cry about it and whine about it.

I feel like a fake. Maybe because I spend so much time lying to myself so much. I am ok, No Im not.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Where am I? I am at the end of my rope. I need to try something
different. I need to fix myself. Fix my head, fix my fat body, fix my
lonely life. I want to write just like I would a diary, and not worry
about spelling or punctuation. I want to be honest with myself, and
write what is on my mind right then. I want to let my inner self hang
all out. So here goes.