Platini "not corrupt enough" to run FIFA

President of UEFA Michel Platini, the former footballer who had been tipped to succeed Sepp Blatter as President of FIFA, has been rejected as being nowhere near corrupt enough for the job.

"It was bizarre," said one top FIFA insider. "We had such high hopes for him.

"But when the time came, instead of greasing palms, calling in favours and offering lucrative jobs to anyone who supported him, he made a pitch based on his plans for the future of the World Cup - in particular, how to make the choice of host nation more transparent, and how to safeguard the rights of workers building the new stadia.

"It's as if he's learned nothing from all the years he's been working with us."

Meanwhile, in a bid to succeed himself as President, Sepp Blatter put forward his own reform package, including a proposal to allow refereeing decisions to go the way of whichever team manager had made the larger deposit into a numbered Swiss bank account before the game started.

"What's more, we intend to take advantage of new technology. We will release a mobile phone app allowing managers to donate more during the game, when they see a particularly important decision coming up.