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What your coffee says about you ☕️

Text: Ali Patony; Photography: Getty Images

October 2, 2017

It’s Monday and we’re sure you’re all thinking about the same thing we are: our morning coffee fix. Are you a simple filter or a ten-word order? Because it says a LOT about your personality (no really, it does). If you want to know what your coffee order says about you, scroll down…

Espresso

You have no time for anyone’s rubbish. There’s zero room for faffing about in your schedule. You leap out of bed in the morning with all the zeal of a small child in a Disneyland advert. You shower (very thoroughly) in under 5 minutes. You order your single espresso – double on a Friday to treat yourself – via an app, so you can avoid the queue (because who the heck has time for queuing?) You’re full on, pal. Try stepping out the fast line once in a while.

Cappuccino

You’re either just all about that chocolate sprinkle life (and have been known, on more than one occasion, to say “There’s definitely chocolate on this, right?” to the barista), or you just think you’re a coffee connoisseur. You order your cappuccino begrudgingly, whilst discussing at length how the best cappuccino can be found in a small, remote town in the Dolomites, that you discovered during your annual family holiday to Italy. In reality, you don’t know the difference. Your colleague once referred to you, behind your back, as ‘pompous’. They may have been right.

Regular latte

‘Stick to what you know’ is basically your motto. You eat the same thing for lunch every day of the week, and you haven’t changed your hair in five years (if ever). Sure, you could be called ‘boring’, but you know what? You just know what you like, and there’s no shame in that. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

You really know how to hold up a queue, don’t you? You’re demanding, were probably spoilt as a child and grew up in the countryside. You’re basically a Tory. You will be the person that returns their coffee, venomously spitting the words “Umm, this is not what I ordered” at the poor barista who can’t remember half of the BS you just said.

Caramel latte (with caramel sauce, obviously)

You’re just living your best life.

Anything with almond milk

You’re health-conscious and probably intolerant to dairy, gluten and refined sugar (or, at least, you think you are). You have at least 5 000 Instagram followers (but still complain that it’s ‘not a lot’), and chances are, you’re either writing a plant-based cookbook or ‘training’ to become a yoga instructor. You also use the word ‘vibe’ without a shred of irony.

Filter coffee

You’re sensible and always on the lookout for a bargain. The R5 store is basically your second home and you have a no-frills attitude to life. You could do with a bit more excitement, though. Push the boundaries, dare to step out of your comfort zone.