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Sunday, January 30, 2005

you are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you: genius. GENIUS.

there comes a time when one realizes that one is in the presence of pure and unadulterated greatness. for me that time came today. do you see the screengrab above? DO YOU? click on it. admire it. pet it. lick the screen. adore it. name it maceo and command it to play unspeakably funky alto sax for you. because ladies, gentlemen, squidkids, guppies, et al., you are breathing the air of BRILLIANCE.

as i write this, that unidentified yet vaguely alluring woman has raised more than TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for whoring off her body. she is selling advertising space on her bloated, fetus-infested belly ... she is auctioning herself off like a fucking pro, and she didn't even have to have sex with a stranger! (well, ok, she had to have sex. but not with the person who will ultimately pony up two grand to slap an ad on her paunch, presumably.) i am but a wee padwan before you, oh jedi pregnant ebay lady mistress woman. teach me the ways of your wiliness.

honestly. this comes unto me as an epiphany: mr nice guy now knows what he needs to do. he must distract, intoxicate, hobble or otherwise incapacitate mrs nice guy and SELL HER BELLY. because, clearly this is the only way we'll ever be able to afford the education of our child. (and make a little extra spending money on the side, if you know what i mean. poppy needs a new pair of shoes, and WHAT BETTER WAY THAN BY PIMPING OFF MY WIFE ... and child ... before it's even born? hmm. i am finally beginning to understand the powerful forces that govern ashlee simpson's father.)

UPDATE: after a troubled night of little-to-no sleep, trying to figure out exactly how to sell my wife's body without her knowing, i still have a question: how exactly is this supposed to work anyway? IT'S COLD HERE. do we slap a nike swoosh around her navel and make her walk around, with her belly exposed? won't the fetus get frostbite? do we stick a starbucks stamp on her innie and watch with glee as it gradually pops, becoming an outie? that would be a pretty groovy 3D ad type thing. do i paint a big red-and-white Target logo on her? seems like that might be asking for trouble. i am at a loss.

2 Comments:

it does make me curious though, how often does anyone see her belly? why would this be prime advertising space? is she some sort of pregnant stripper whose belly is in the face of tens of men nightly? i fail to see how this is prime advertising unless the parties involved are hoping on some serious media coverage...

I'm thinking that the next logical step is to use your evil scientist laboratory to develop some kind of insulated yet clear fabric. Saran Wrap with the warmth of flannel. And you might want to do one in pin-stripes for the pregnant women in offices.

Alternatively, you seal her in some kind of insulated bubble like a giant hamster ball and leave her belly visible for your advertising needs.