The Internet’s Best and Worst Fifty Shades of Grey Casting Suggestions

Much as the addictive novels Twilight and The Hunger Games sparked Hollywood firestorms over their big-screen adaptations, Fifty Shades of Grey is the most recent literary property to set off a full-blown frenzy in the film industry. Originally published as an e-book and a print-on-demand paperback last summer by Erika Leonard—who, in a J.K. Rowling–esque flourish, adopted the pseudonym E.L. James—the popular novel and its sequels Fifty Shades Darkerand Fifty Shades Freed are currently resting comfortably in the top three positions on the New York Times best-sellers list after toppling The Hunger Games from the literary pyramid eight weeks ago. Perhaps the most fascinating aspect about the Grey phenomenon, however, is that unlike its PG-13 predecessors, Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic work of fiction so graphic and habit-forming that it has inspired Barbara Walters to discuss “rough sex” during one particularly cringe-inducing segment of The View, popularized the phrase “mommy porn,” and sparked a studio bidding war so intense that Deadline dubbed it the “the wildest book-to-movie auction in recent and distant memory.” Now that the bidding battle has ended—with Universal winning the motion-picture rights to the trilogy for an estimated $3 million plus a percentage of the gross—the casting contention can begin.

Two leading roles—roles that could hurl the headliners into that rarefied super-star arena that awaits the leads of hotly anticipated franchises—are up for grabs: The first is the title character, Christian Grey, described as a handsome billionaire with a dark past and a weakness for whips and chains in the bedroom. The second is his impressionable young love interest, Anastasia Steele, an intelligent college student who engages in her first dominant-submissive relationship with the manipulative Grey. Ahead, we compile the best, the worst, and the most ridiculous casting suggestions circulating the Internet (and our office).

Christian Grey

Armie Hammer (Best)

The handsome actor exuded the wealthy Ivy League energy of not one but two control-obsessed characters in his breakout feature, The Social Network. After appearances alongside Julia Roberts in Mirror, Mirror and John Depp in the upcoming The Lone Ranger, a leading role in 50 Shades of Grey could finally give the man behind both Winklevosses singular exposure.

Ryan Gosling (Best)

One of the Internet’s favorite casting suggestions, Ryan Gosling has already shown that he is a competent romantic lead, able to play emotionally complicated characters, and is comfortable filming controversial sexual scenes (see: Blue Valentine). After his success with The Notebook, though, the actor has veered away from straight romantic fare in favor of more serious dramas. Whether the actor, Good Samaritan, and canine namesake will want to potentially undo his awards credibility to potentially become the Robert Pattinson of a “mommy porn” franchise is less clear than his ability to pull off the part.

Christian Bale (Best)

The Oscar winner has already mastered several characters that, like Grey, are powerful on the surface but damaged underneath. Coincidentally, Bale is also experienced in the art of playing a wealthy businessman with a mysterious past and a penchant for role-playing. Alas, the actor may want to break from franchises following The Dark Knight Rises.

Alex Pettyfer (Moderate)

Although Pettyfer is genetically ideal for the title role—with those piercing blue-gray eyes and tousled hair, referenced countless times in the novel—his last two starring projects, Beastly andI Am Number Four, yielded underwhelming box-office results, meaning that Universal may not want to rest the E.L. James franchise on Pettyfer’s sculpted shoulders.

Mark Ruffalo (Moderate)

A thinking woman’s ideal, Mark Ruffalo would certainly give Christian a complexity and sensitivity that he lacked in the novel. Unfortunately, at 44 years old, Ruffalo’s age may prevent the actor from tackling the character, who is 27 when the tale begins.

Ian Somerhalder (Moderate)

The model turned actor has already expressed interest in raising his star profile via the hot-ticket Hollywood part, but the CW star may not be enough of a box-office draw for Universal’s adaptation of the best-sellers.

Zac Efron (Worst)

Even though he recently proved his adulthood by sharing a love scene with Nicole Kidman in The Paperboy, the long-lashed High School Musical alum would be better cast as the corrupted innocent of an older femme fatale than the experienced corrupter of a co-ed—especially since he still looks like a university student himself.

Although this suggestion was probably motivated by either S.E.O. or hilarity purposes, we can kind of envision it: Mitt Romney as a square-jawed entrepreneur with a knack for stilted dialogue and a bedroom full of dark fantasies. Alas, even with the right dye job, silver-gray contact lenses, and fuzzy focus to obscure fine lines—that whole Republican presidential campaign, Mormon “thing,” and the tiny requirement that the character not turn the audience’s stomachs when he introduces his submissive to spanking, might derail his chance at erotic film-franchise stardom.

Ana Steel

Elizabeth Olsen (Best)

The younger Olsen sister has already proven that she can play an innocent corrupted by an enigmatic elder in her breakout feature, Martha Marcy May Marlene. Like The Hunger Games and Twilight stars Jennifer Lawrence and Kristen Stewart, Elizabeth Olsen is both beautiful and likable—that delicate balance that drives a franchise’s popularity among female audiences. If cast, Fifty Shades of Grey could be the role that catapults the indie darling into multiplex stardom.

Shailene Woodley (Best)

The scene-stealing actress took audiences by surprise as the wise-beyond-her-years daughter of George Clooney in this year’s Oscar-winning drama, The Descendants. Having already exhibited Anastasia Steele’s characteristic intelligence and spunk in her breakout drama, the coveted role in the erotic adaptation would definitely allow the actress to leap beyond her ABC Family credits and onto the marquis—where she seems best suited.

Amanda Seyfried (Moderate)

Although rebounding from the upcoming Lovelace, in which the actress plays the infamous Deep Throat porn star, to play a virgin in Fifty Shades of Grey would certainly be a feat, Seyfried may have a difficult time convincing studio heads of her franchise headliner potential after her last three marquis movies proved only mediocre at the box office.

Zooey Deschanel (Worst)

The wide-eyed New Girlstar has carved a delightful Hollywood niche for herself as an adorkable sitcom star, twee songstress, and cotton/Siri spokeswoman. As appealing as a franchise might be to other actresses, we think that the whole “submissive” persona that Ana adopts in Fifty Shades of Grey might cast an untoward shadow on the fem-powerment advances of her HelloGiggles empire.

Dakota Fanning (Worst)

Even though indie audiences were forced to accept darling Dakota Fanning’s maturation in that haunting Hounddog scene (you know the one), could we please collectively agree to not cast Fern from Charlotte’s Web as Christian Grey’s “Red Room of Pain” pleasure partner? This has nothing to do with Dakota Fanning’s wide-ranging skill set—she would surely nail the part—it’s more to do with our over-protective nature when it comes to the nearly grown-up teen.

Lindsay Lohan (Absolute Worst)

While we’re on the subject of collective agreements, can we also make a pact to not suggest the legally embattled Liz & Dick actress as a contender for big-budget franchises at least until she proves that she is still as talented, watchable, and insurable as she was during her Mean Girl years? Thanks.