Mayhem and Maniahttps://mayhemandmania.com
Mental Health and Borderline Personality Disorder Support BlogMon, 14 Aug 2017 12:33:04 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.8.1https://i0.wp.com/mayhemandmania.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/cropped-Untitled-design-1.png?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1Mayhem and Maniahttps://mayhemandmania.com
3232133891704Creating a Crisis Management Plan + Free Kit Downloadhttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/crisis-management-plan/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/crisis-management-plan/#respondThu, 10 Aug 2017 11:19:19 +0000https://mayhemandmania.com/?p=5526Even though I’ve been married to my husband for almost 5 years and he has seen me at my worst, there will still be breakdowns that terrify him. He has no idea what’s happening because new symptoms or reactions might surface. After a crappy psychotic episode, I created a crisis management plan just in case ...

]]>Even though I’ve been married to my husband for almost 5 years and he has seen me at my worst, there will still be breakdowns that terrify him. He has no idea what’s happening because new symptoms or reactions might surface. After a crappy psychotic episode, I created a crisis management plan just in case it happened again.

And I thought it might be helpful for you too, so I threw it together in a neat little workbook for you to download.

Why you need a crisis management plan

The crisis management plan needs to be in place well before you ever hit crisis mode. This plan should:

Help you determine the initial feelings and symptoms of heading towards a breakdown

What to do when those initial feelings and symptoms pop up

What a loved one should do if they find you having a meltdown + emergency information

How to take care of yourself after the breakdown

You can download the crisis management plan below:

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Email Address

Before you head towards a breakdown

The idea behind this section is that you don’t want to head towards a breakdown.

You want to understand what your trigger points are and what they physically and emotionally feel like.

Pointing these feelings out will help you determine when you’re starting to spiral.

A small self care plan

I’m a huge believer in needing self care every day, but most importantly, when you just feel “off.”

You don’t have to be in a state of depression or feel like the world is falling apart to take care of yourself.

The moment you feel discomforts in your body, you can practice any sort of personal self care, the simpler the better.

Have a plan of self care in place so you’re not frantically wondering what to do to get rid of “this feeling.”

Crisis management plan for your loved ones

Most people have no idea what it feels like to live in your shoes.

When you have a breakdown or crisis, they aren’t sure what to do and end up in their own panic.

Creating a crisis management plan and handing it to your loved ones will let them know, exactly, what needs to happen next.

This should contain any information that they would need to tell emergency personnel, should it come down to that, and what phone numbers need to be called.

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/crisis-management-plan/feed/05526Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms and What They Feel Likehttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/#commentsTue, 08 Aug 2017 23:52:00 +0000https://mayhemandmania.com/?p=5489Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms isn’t as easy as cracking open the DSM and saying, “Oh yes… pervasive thoughts and abandonment issues… mmhm… sounds right.” Most people can look at the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and see themselves fitting most of the criteria. In this post, I’m breaking down the symptoms of BPD a step ...

Most people can look at the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and see themselves fitting most of the criteria. In this post, I’m breaking down the symptoms of BPD a step further and putting it into layman’s terms.

If you are a loved one caretaking a Borderline, you can find notes beneath each symptom, to help you.

Caveat: This post isn’t meant to diagnose you with Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m hoping to help put perspective behind BPD and provide insight for the newly diagnosed and their loved ones, to help alleviate trying to figure it all out by yourself.

Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Borderline Personality Disorder includes the symptoms of thinking everyone is going to leave you.

When the person you love the most has to leave for something completely reasonable, such as work, a meeting, or even to run to the grocery store, there is a terrifying fear that that person will never come back.

The fear of abandonment could be anything from they’re going to leave me by myself because they hate me or something terrible is going to happen and I’ll never see them again.

Sure, everyone misses their loved ones when they leave, but with Borderline Personality Disorder, it feels like they will never come back.

You’ll beg for them to stay. In extreme cases, you may hurt yourself in efforts to get them to stay.

Note for loved ones: Sometimes it feels like Borderlines are being manipulative or controlling by hurting themselves to make you stick around.

The reality is that the pain of losing you is so real, so overwhelming, that the Borderline feels like he or she MUST hurt themselves or you will be gone forever.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Another invasive symptom of having Borderline Personality Disorder is putting someone on a pedestal and then feeling disgusted by them.

The Borderline brain is black and white, meaning you either love someone or hate them. In betweens don’t exist (and people who fall in the ‘in between’ are normally not important enough to warrant love or hate for the Borderline).

For you, meeting someone incredible is an elating feeling. You think this person is the best thing you’ve ever came across and you’ll want to be best friends or immediate lovers.

There’s no such thing as taking it slow.

Then this person will inevitably do something that will destroy that image. It could be something like taking too long to text back or yawning while you were speaking.

These little gestures will hurt so badly that your mind will immediately come up with reasons why that person wasn’t that great anyway.

The illusion of wonderment shatters and you are left feeling numb or spiteful of that person.

This destroys a lot of relationships for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. You’ll emotionally invest 110% and your body will suddenly feel repulsed by the thought of that person.

Note for loved ones: This can be a hurtful experience when you are on the receiving end of this repulsion. Please know that for most Borderlines, these are fleeting and very temporary emotions.

During these episodes, which are understood as “splitting”, you cannot reason with someone with BPD. The best thing to do is say, “I understand that you’re upset. I’m going to give you some space. I’ll be back in a few hours/tomorrow to check on you.”

Know that it is not always *you* that the Borderline is upset with, but sometimes something you did or said, no matter how minor, triggers a hurricane of negative emotions.

Impulsivity goes hand in hand with the short term mood swings where you may make quick decisions to satisfy your new emotion or personality.

You often feel empty, like a shell.

The lack of identity creates a darkness when it comes to having self-worth. This numbness can be countered with impulsive spending, one night stands, drugs, etc.

You can become addicted to anything that can create a high.

Anything, to feel anything.

Note for loved ones: This impulsivity can cause chaos in relationships.

Your loved one might constantly beg you for money to pay off debts from their impulse spending or if you have a joint bank account, your savings might get cleaned out over mindless purchases that they don’t even want by the time they get home.

Having these impulsive ticks is a way to cope with discomfort because prolonged moments of discomfort can trigger a mental breakdown, panic attack, or blackout.

Borderlines may self-medicate with any of the above “bad habits”, to prevent the breakdown.

To help a Borderline with the impulsivity, create healthy self-awareness techniques and be mindful of initial feelings of discomfort.

Yet there’s a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you that maybe you should die. No one would really care and the world may be a better place.

Or you might be so tired of feeling numb all the time so you hurt yourself to feel some semblance of being alive.

You could have regrets. Guilt. A world of pain.

Time lapse doesn’t work for Borderlines the way it does for non-Borderlines. Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms you may face are consistent pain and inability to move on, over past events.

Your mind may replay thoughts over and over- especially of things that everyone else seemed to get over but you can’t let go of.

It churns at you until you hurt yourself and it’s the only way to make yourself feel better.

Being alive might feel unbearable.

Note for loved ones: This symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder might be the most terrifying of all.

Feelings of wanting to commit suicide, combined with impulsivity and lack of self-worth is a toxic cocktail. Borderlines will often feel like dying or say things like, “No one will miss me anything.”

Know that this is not something Borderlines “just say for attention.”

This is truly, deep down, what a Borderline believes and you cannot make this about yourself. Don’t assume that they are saying these things to make you feel guilty.

During these moments, sometimes there is nothing you could say or do.

Refrain from reminding them of all the “good things,” because Borderline minds are black and white.

When it is bad, it is ALL bad, including you (do not take this personally or offensively.)

Just listen to them cry or complain. Maybe change the subject- bring a glass of water, tell them you’re going to order take-out and you’ll order something special for them, or bring them a pillow and a blanket.

Chronic feelings of emptiness

One day you feel everything so deeply and the next day, you feel nothing at all.

Feelings of emptiness or being numb can be a nice change if you’re in constant pain, though the numbness begins to get to you after a while.

It’s doing all of your favorite hobbies but no longer feeling any sort of affections.

It’s looking at the person you’ve fallen in love with and feeling absolutely nothing.

The Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms of emptiness and numbness can be disorienting and can lead to self-harm (again, anything to feel anything.)

Note to loved ones: You may feel hurt that your loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder is showing zero signs of caring about you, especially if you do everything in your power to keep them happy.

Trust that they don’t *want* to feel this way. They want to be able to love you and care about you in the same way you care about them, but their body has gone numb.

You can wish with all your might that your Borderline would feel something for you and not act like you’re nothing, but this is another symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder that can destroy a relationship.

At this time, the best thing for you to do is take a step back so you are not overwhelmed by why you’re not getting affection in return.

You’re probably tired of me telling you this… but remember that it’s not personal. Do take care of yourself.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

Outbursts.

You get set off by moments like someone making a snarky comment or a broken promise and then you explode.

You say the cruelest, meanest things your mind can summon and then tomorrow, or a few days later, you regret it. The anger got the best of you and blinded you.

You’re embarrassed and ashamed, but the damage is already done.

This also goes back to the lack of time lapse.

With Borderline Personality Disorder, you never truly get over anything. Emotional and traumatic events get played over and over again in your mind until something irrelevant can trigger you and push you into a meltdown.

The people in your immediate vicinity are hit with the shrapnel and you start burning bridges.

You might also be physically aggressive and put your hands on people, even when you know you can’t do that.

If you have issues managing your temper and you fear for the safety of those around you, do let a medical professional know.

Note for loved ones: First off, if you ever feel that you are in danger or if you have been physically assaulted by someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, please seek immediate help.

The National Domestic Abuse hotline is 1-800-799-7233 or please report it to your local authorities.

Alternatively, head to your nearest hospital and let them know that you are in danger.

If your loved one is angry but not physically abusive, help them find outlets for the bursts of anger.

Like with Borderline Personality Disorder symptom #6, cultivating mindfulness of when these emotional shifts happen is necessary to prevent future outbursts.

If the issue is that your loved ones is getting into fights with strangers or other people, besides you, your loved one may need their exposure to toxic situations limited (for example, going out too late, drinking, being in environments known for causing tension).

It’s hard to concentrate on what someone may be staying or on staying present. Your mind always wants to go to a different place.

In a nutshell, you’re disconnected from the present.

This could be a coping mechanism.

If you’re in stressful situations, you could completely tune out and go to a safer space.

Alternatively, if you’re under constant duress, being in a a calm environment could be so startling that you disconnect and your mind goes into a state of stress.

Note for loved ones: For this symptom, it can be alarming for you to “snap them out of it.” Don’t grab them suddenly, or shake them, or snap in their face.

Instead, say something like, “You seem disassociated,” or “Are you here with me?” Unless they specifically say they respond well to touch, do not touch them. Be gentle in your voice and ease them back into the present.

Here are the 9 DSM traits of Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms and what it potentially feels like to have it.

This is not a way to self-diagnose.

If you suspect that you have Borderline Personality Disorder, I encourage you to seek a professional that could test and validate your suspicions.

Recovery and treatment for BPD and other disorders vary, and while you may feel like you’re Borderline, there could be something else going on. (I thought that with my mood swings, I was definitely Bipolar, though the doctors strongly disagreed.)

If you are a loved one that suspects someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder, encourage them to seek a diagnosis.

Be there with them, if they want. Drive them there.

Help them research for places that they could get help, if they are ready to be helped.

Never force someone to seek diagnosis or insist they have a mental health condition.

This only works if they are ready to acknowledge that there is something going on that they need help with.

What do Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms feel like for you?

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/feed/25489Borderline Personality Disorder and Self-Acceptancehttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-self-acceptance/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-self-acceptance/#respondTue, 08 Aug 2017 19:56:01 +0000https://mayhemandmania.com/?p=5484The day I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I sat in inpatient care, both of my arms wrapped in layers of white bandages. In that hospital, I turned 13 years old, and was given a controversial Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. It’s uncommon for a personality diagnosis to be given under the age of 18, ...

]]>The day I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I sat in inpatient care, both of my arms wrapped in layers of white bandages. In that hospital, I turned 13 years old, and was given a controversial Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis.

It’s uncommon for a personality diagnosis to be given under the age of 18, let alone to someone who had barely scratched adolescence. After several tests and a four weeks in the psychiatric clinic, I was deemed Borderline, with a strong case of psychosis.

Another 13 years has passed since that first diagnosis and I’ve decided it’s time to finally accept it.

Borderline Personality Disorder is probably a life sentence for me. And despite all the stigma, mania, and hurt that comes with being Borderline, 13 years has given me a world that few people will ever understand.

I fall in love faster than you can blink. While my friends and family will note one or two memorable loves in their lives, I’ve had the joy of experiencing dark, relentless, and euphoric love, over and over and over. Sure, when it hurts, it chokes the life out of my body, but that’s the price of falling so deeply in love.

College and traditional jobs were failures for me. It’s impossible for me to stay employed, so I became self-employed. I learned how to navigate the internet and became a full-time blogger. Freelancing became my other of income. My job is to do what I love (writing) and get paid for it. It may have taken me several years to get stable, but I kept it up longer than any other job.

People come in and out of my life like a revolving door and I make little effort to keep anyone. The relationships I do have, are real. I have friends, very few friends, who have stayed with me as I screamed through a psychotic meltdown. They’ve heard my panicked threats as I accused every single one of them of trying to hurt me. Still, they didn’t run away. They are truly deserving of any energy I could spare to invest into our friendship. These people, less than I can count on one hand, are the only ones that can weathered my hurricanes.

And no, I’m not okay. I’m barely well, but I am healthy. I still suffer from psychotic episodes and I am also prone to splitting, often. Even with over a decade of seeking therapy, meditating, DBT, journaling, etc. I am struggling to stay alive every single day.

I’ve accepted that I will never live the kind of life that is relatable. I won’t find myself in a self-help book or become some Rocky Balboa story.

For the last 13 years, I tried to fit myself into what society demanded of young, stable women and I attempted to fashion an identity that could be loved… could be normal… could be someone that other people wanted to be around.

As I look in the mirror, it’s hard to pinpoint who I see in the reflection. I could name you my hobbies and interests, but that would change in a few days, as we Borderlines tend to get bored and shift spontaneously.

But I could tell you my story. I could tell you about the boy that once looked at me with pleading eyes as I broke his heart for getting too close to me. I could tell you about the job I once had, clad in leather and corsets, being paid to whip men from Wall Street. Or I could tell you about how a friend once held me for six hours, the night before his Criminal Justice final, as I fell into a psychosis so deep that I thought I was reliving an assault I survived.

My mind is jagged and ripped in the way that it sees myself and the rest of the world. Through the cracks and edges, the light always comes through and lifts me to a state of ecstasy. This is a place where I can taste wonderment and I feel the world the way it must have been intended.

And maybe being Borderline is a life sentence… but if it should hold me as its prisoner, I shall decorate the walls with memories, pieces of hope, and inspiration.

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-self-acceptance/feed/05484Little Slice of Happy: July 2017https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/happy-august-2017/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/happy-august-2017/#respondSun, 06 Aug 2017 20:43:26 +0000https://mayhemandmania.com/?p=5407Once a month, I’ll be rounding up all the things that have brought a little bit of joy into my life. These blog posts are inspired by The Tiny Book of Tiny Pleasures which is a small collection of happy, day to day, things. Definitely grab a copy if you don’t have one! Quick note: This ...

]]>Once a month, I’ll be rounding up all the things that have brought a little bit of joy into my life. These blog posts are inspired by The Tiny Book of Tiny Pleasures which is a small collection of happy, day to day, things. Definitely grab a copy if you don’t have one!

Quick note: This post does contain affiliate links which means if you make a purchase through my link, I may be compensated at no extra cost to you. Thank you!

Caught my first cast net fish

I’ve been trying to find free or cheap things to do and decided to go fishing. Since the fishing poles weren’t really biting, I decided to learn how to throw our cast net (which, if you have any pointers, please share!) After a few failed throws, I felt resistance from my net and pulled this big guy up!

Found a therapist willing to work with me

For the last 13 years, I’ve been “hot potato’d” from therapist to therapist because it’s difficult to find someone willing to work with a client that has a personality disorder. I’m persistent, since I’m aware that I need help. After a six month personal break from trying to find a therapist, I finally got a referral to someone that specializes with Cluster B personality disorders!

If you’re currently struggling with finding a therapist to take your case, it’s okay to give yourself a few weeks or months to recover. Looking for help is a stressful and exhausting process. If you’re over 18 and looking for peer support, check out The Haven.

The Little Book of Hygge

Being raised in a dysfunctional home, I don’t have the best grasp of what “family” is or what I could do to create a homely environment for them. This book was such a treasure to find because it helped inspire me to try different ways to cultivate a more cozy relationship with my husband and kids.

Some things I was inspired to do:

Designate Saturday as Pizza + Movie night. My kids make the pizza (which saves like $50 on how much all four of us eat)

Picked knitting back up after 4 years. (I knitted a lap blanket for my kids.)

Read physical books instead of my Kindle.

Ozark on Netflix

I LOVE suspenseful, kinda mind-screwy shows like Bates Motel so when Ozark come on Netflix, I thought I’d give it a try. Dark humor. Snarky characters. Intertwining storylines. Zero filler episodes. I was hooked. It’s only 10 episodes long but if you’re looking for something new to watch on Netflix and you like darker dramas, give Ozark a try.

Learned Pinterest affiliate marketing

Even though I’m well versed in both Pinterest AND affiliate marketing, Christina promised that you can make a full time income from Pinterest without a website. I made a little bonus money last month so I decided to give it a try and grab her course. It may not seem like much, but I made $13 the first week of the course. I’m going to give myself time to dive deeper into the course before I review it on this blog. If you’re curious about her course, you can check it out here.

How did your July go?

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/happy-august-2017/feed/05407Believing in Yourself when No One Else Doeshttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/believing-in-yourself/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/believing-in-yourself/#commentsWed, 02 Aug 2017 18:55:50 +0000https://mayhemandmania.com/2017/08/unlimited-hours-package/Sometimes people will crap on my business model because I believe in doing Unlimited Hours. Here's my full, unfiltered thoughts about that.

]]>Have you ever poured your heart, soul, and time into something only for people to tell you that it’s shit? It doesn’t work? That you’re a fraud? It doesn’t feel very nice.

If you’re going through that right now, here’s a virtual fist bump.

Quick side note: I do have affiliate links in this post which means if you make a purchase, I may receive compensation at no additional cost to you. But as always, if I don’t love it, it doesn’t end up on this website

When I started trying to make money from home, people said things to me like:

“You know it’s all a scam right?”

“Wow, you make even less than I do and I work minimum wage!”

“You know 90% of people that try, fail, right?”

I’m sure they all meant well and that it seemed silly to them. My attitude was, “I’ll show you!”

Truth is, I never showed anyone anything.

I started making $100/month.

Then $1,000/month.

Then I started my own business and made over $5,000/month (in the fortune telling industry).

Even though I was monetarily successful, the snarky comments never quit. Other people who worked from home didn’t like the fact I read tarot cards as a business. Other tarot readers didn’t like my personality or whatnot. My neighbor down the street thought I was summoning demons or some crap.

You’ll never make everyone happy

When I finally realized that I’ll never make everyone happy, it was like a weight was suddenly lifted off of my shoulders.

Did it make people stop talking crap about me? No.

But it eliminated the impact that people’s negativity had on me.

There’s something liberating about not giving a damn about most people’s opinions. You learn to take responsibility for your own emotions, but also, how to cut yourself a bigger slice of happy pie.

Believing in yourself and your work

In the age of the internet, it’s so easy to fall down the rabbit hole of reading way too much and then reading even more.

Your brain gets cluttered. You start to doubt yourself.

Then your poor muse gets shoved aside because you start believing what other people have to say, instead of listening to what makes your heart beat.

One of the ways to get back to your roots is to silence the noise.

For me, it meant taking a sabbatical from Facebook and Instagram. I stopped publicly sharing my work or telling people what I was doing. I worked in silence and listened to how my body felt. Psst… this is actually how this blog came together. I realized that I wanted to smush everything I write about under one website – even though blogging experts advise AGAINST this!

Maybe you’re not ready to take such a huge plunge to temporarily leave social media.

Other ways you can quiet the excess noise:

Put your phone and laptop on Do Not Disturb while you’re working. Don’t check your social media or e-mail.

Designate an hour where you’ll put your phone aside and not check it anymore. (It’s 7pm for me.)

Unfollow people and unsubscribe from e-mails of people that you don’t vibe with anymore. (You can always refollow or resubscribe later!)

Do you have any other advice about believing in yourself?

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/believing-in-yourself/feed/2232Consciously Choosing to Live + Creating a Five Year Planhttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/five-year-plan/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/five-year-plan/#commentsTue, 25 Jul 2017 15:26:21 +0000http://borderlinethriving.com/?p=5305What should your life look like, five years from now? The question hit me in the chest. I’ve been suicidal most of my life. I never planned to live past my twenties and yet, I am a few months shy of my 27th birthday. The thought of making long-term goals is nauseating to me. Goals ...

The question hit me in the chest. I’ve been suicidal most of my life. I never planned to live past my twenties and yet, I am a few months shy of my 27th birthday.

The thought of making long-term goals is nauseating to me.

Goals require time. Patience.

Living.

To consciously decide on where I want to be, five years from now, means that I am no longer accepting my present predicament.

I am making the choice to still be alive, in those five years.

That’s some scary shit.

Creating the Five Year Plan

Since it can be overwhelming to look at the big picture, I split my Five Year Plan down into five categories: Home life, work/career, physical/mental health, what I look like, my relationships to other people.

Home Life

This category includes where you want to live, what your home looks like, and who lives in that home with you.

For me, there was a little bit of conflict. My husband is a country man that needs to live in the middle of the woods and be surrounded by acres and acres of trees. I want to live back in Japan, where I felt that my mental health was thriving.

I decided that we could work towards living in the woods, but I’d like to be close to the beach (within 2 hours driving distance, if I want to take the weekend away).

Work/Career

Finances will also go into this category.

Where do you work? What are your coworkers like (if any?) What is the physical location of where you work?

What do people know you as, in the work environment? What is your salary?

I know that my life looked really bleak when I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to write, but I didn’t know where to begin. College is out of the questions because I didn’t enjoy my first experience or the debt that it brought.

Long-term, I am hoping to run my own magazine in living unconventionally well and exploring the stories of people who broke through crazy obstacles. Yknow, inspirational stuff.

I want this to be sufficient enough so that my husband wouldn’t have to work and we can be supported through my writing.

Of course, this isn’t something that is done overnight, but surely, it’s possible over the course of five years.

Physical/mental health

Everything to do with your body and mind (even spirit, if that’s part of your life) goes in this category.

Do you swim daily? What does your diet look like?

Do you seek therapy or are in a place where you no longer need therapy? Are you more in control of panic attacks and splitting less?

Remember, setting these goals are more about exploring the possibilities of what you’d like to become, rather than wondering if you’re able or deserving of reaching it.

What you look like

This category is for how you perceive yourself but also how others perceive you.

How do you dress? Where is your confidence level? What are your personality traits?

What do people say about you? What comments are people leaving on your selfies?

Put down what you want and what you are striving for, not what you currently feel about yourself or what people are currently saying about you.

Your relationships to other people

Are you married? In a long-term relationship? Happily single?

Don’t forget your friendships too! Do you have a best friend that you get a latte with twice a week? Maybe you’re a core member of your local band.

Write down the type of people that you’d like in your life and the roles that they play.

I know for me, I wanted less people who were interested in gossip and ganging up on others that they don’t like. In the past, I’ve surrounded myself with cliquey people because I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere.

Looking forward, they were always toxic environments for me because if they were crap talking about others, surely they would crap talk me as well. I want friends who are patient, flawed (but willing to acknowledge these flaws and grow with them as I grow with mine), loves thrillers, and also has children around the age of my children. My friends always mention how funny I am and they dig my writing.

I know it’s popular around mom groups to drink lots of wine, but my group of friends don’t drink much and when we do, it’s a splash of Bailey’s in the coffee.

Yes, it’s so specific, but I believe that I (and you) are deserving of friends we vibe with.

Now pin it!

This is the fun part.

So you’ve written down everything that you want in your life in five years. That’s great and all, but to really bring it to life, you have to be able to physically see it.

Go on Pinterest and create a Five Year Plan board.

Then go and pin everything that you can find that relates to your Five Year Plan! That means, pin your dream home. Pin the location. Pin any pets you’ll have. Pin quotes that reflect the mood your life is.

Using the Five Year Plan

I’m not sure what I want until I want it, and then I am obsessively chasing it until I realize I really don’t want it after all.

My life gets turned over and over because of my impulsivity and it’s affected my relationships, business, and my finances.

When I feel that tick of impulsive obsession, I ask myself- Does this fit with my Five Year Plan?

I welcome only actions and impulses that bring me closer to achieving my long-term goals. If I must live with my disorder, then I will redirect these feelings and quakes to something productive.

Closing Thoughts

This was definitely not an exercise that I did in a few minutes. It took me several weeks to think about what I really wanted out of life.

I was tempted to trash the whole Five Year Plan idea, several times, but during those moments, I stepped away and came back to it later.

Choosing to live is uncomfortable, especially if you lived day to day with the expectation that you will die at any second.

If you’re struggling to finish this exercise, no worries. Walk away and come back to it when you’re ready. It may take a few weeks, like it did for me, or even a few months or years. No worries about rushing it or forcing it.

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/five-year-plan/feed/25305Borderline Personality Disorder: Embracing the Monsterhttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-monster/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-monster/#respondThu, 20 Jul 2017 11:37:29 +0000http://borderlinethriving.com/?p=5298I stop by the self-help section, every time I take a trip to my local bookstore. I run my fingers across the spines of the same few books… Big Magic, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, You Are a Badass… the same covers that have been churned in and out of my social ...

]]>I stop by the self-help section, every time I take a trip to my local bookstore. I run my fingers across the spines of the same few books… Big Magic, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, You Are a Badass… the same covers that have been churned in and out of my social media feeds since the books went viral.

I flip through the pages and skim the books, carrying them with me, as I move onto the cookbook aisle… the business aisle… the craft aisle. After a while has passed, I’d abruptly and shamelessly shove the books into the closest shelf and storm out without buying a thing.

My mind tends to stay open, considering different types of self-help options to couple with talk therapy and other methods of living with a personality disorder. The professional diagnosis says I have Borderline Personality Disorder with a touch of Histrionic Personality Disorder, topped off with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When people ask me what that is, I flash them a picture of Harley Quinn from the recent Suicide Squad movie and they go, “Ah….” as their faces twist in a pained grimace.

My adolescence and 20’s so far has consisted of being in and out of mental institutions (I am the patient… not the nurse falling in love with a killer clown, just to be clear), trying and denying various forms of antidepressants and antipsychotics, and being tossed like hot potato from therapist to therapist.

“Let me write you a referral” after “Let me write you a referral.”

Naturally, the only option is self-help.

I write this blog as someone who has been diagnosed and treated for my disorders for over a decade. If you are reading this with a fresh diagnosis, I do urge you to seek professional help and peer support, at least until you feel comfortable with living day to day and managing moments of crisis.

The realization that I’m an uncomfortable person to be associated with, has long sank into my bones. No book on mannerisms and charisma can turn me into the docile daffodil that charms people like nectar to honey bees. No amount of chastising and scolding me to watch my mouth will prevent the impulsive snark from flying from between my teeth.

Because I don’t want that kind of help.

I’m no daffodil.

I’m not polite.

Braided into my DNA is my personality disorder that includes speckling my language with words like Fuck and Douche and Twatwaffle. I’m okay with being an acquired taste that fails at making healthy friendships than to actively exhaust myself daily to make other people like me.

I’m not broken. I don’t need to be fixed. Surely, there’s a little more to living than just coping and surviving while pretending to be a well-adjusted member of society.

It took me over a decade to reach the bare minimum of living well with other people, outside of mental institutions. I’m no longer violent (violence was my first method of self-defense as a response to triggers) and I’m no longer manipulative (manipulation being another survival tool for personality disorders).

I’ve done my part.

It’s very telling when I search for resources regarding Borderline Personality Disorder. Oh yes, I see the books that are written on how to leave us and blog posts on how we make dangerous, violent, absolute worst mothers.

“How do you handle a relationship with a girl that has BPD?”

“You don’t, dude… Run!”

No, friends. This isn’t on me or anyone else that suffers from a personality disorder.

You don’t get to have us on the days where we’ll bow down to every need you have because we tearfully only want to see you happy but then desert us when you catch a glimpse of what splitting looks like.

You don’t get to lavish in the unlimited adoration we’ll shower you with and then call us crazy when we catch you in a lie.

I know we might be painted as monsters, and truth be told, it’s pretty accurate. There’s a monster that looms over me as I’m kissing a person I think I’m falling in love with. Remember… they’ll run away. They. Always. Run. I’m tugged to the deepest love that you’ll never have the honor of feeling, and dragged to the most devastating heartbreaks that you couldn’t handle.

I live in two worlds… one where I see the ugliest, most shameful parts of myself. The other, where I am fawned over and I think I am the baddest bitch that has ever graced this part of the earth. You’re welcome to one world or the other… where I’ll put you on a pedestal and put my life in your hands or I’ll disgrace you and piss on your grave.

There’s no in between. (Just in case you were curious what ‘splitting’ is.)

Take me to a party and I will tell stories that will make a dominatrix blush and a sailor spit out his beer, from the atrocious words that fly out of my mouth. I’ll be the best friend that gets you laid from that boy you’ve been eyeing all night, but you’re too shy to talk to.

And when I swing low, I am devastated. I am physically here but my mind is in a different place. You can pretty much consider me dead.

Everyone will eventually leave me, especially if I can’t adjust to living a “normal life.”

If they don’t, give it time.

They all run.

I shatter myself, over and over and over, and rebuild myself with pieces of gold. My identity is forever changing. You call it hypocrisy or inconsistency but hey, asshole, it’s called a personality disorder for a reason.

Gosh, is this twisted? Does it sound like an abusive relationship or mental delusions and perhaps should I be committed into the hospital again?

That discomfort is not on me.

I completely accept and love who I am, with every skeleton I keep in my closet, and this gigantic monster chained to my ankles.

My days are no longer filled with regrets, shame for what other people judge of me, or toying with the idea of electric shock therapy to make me forget myself. I don’t need another self-help book or a person that will act as my filter before I speak to others.

I embrace myself as the theatrical, loud, foul-mouthed, walking contradiction and with a dramatic flair. My monster is a part of me and I love myself for it.

Borderlines have permission, nay- the RIGHT- to be ourselves, within the limits of the law of where we live. I’ll swing my hair in ecstatic dance and then cry my eyes out 5 minutes later because I spilled something on the floor. Am I taking up too much space? Get used to it. Think my healing process is too erratic and not linear enough for you? Well, go away and let the next person come along.

And then the next.

And then the next.

And those that love this insane world I live in, will stay, until they can’t.

And then the next.

And then the next.

This is the reality I live in. This is my normal. I don’t want to live any other way. I embrace the monster inside of me.

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-monster/feed/05298My story of Suicide, Addiction, and Borderline Personality Disorderhttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/my-story/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/my-story/#respondWed, 19 Jul 2017 09:46:45 +0000http://borderlinethriving.com/?p=5292*Trigger warning: This post describes cutting, drinking, addiction, and sexual, mental, and physical abuse in graphic detail. Please be wary that the content in this post could be potentially distressing, especially for those who are in recovery or recently lost someone to suicide or addiction. I can’t pinpoint exactly when being alive began to feel ...

]]>*Trigger warning: This post describes cutting, drinking, addiction, and sexual, mental, and physical abuse in graphic detail. Please be wary that the content in this post could be potentially distressing, especially for those who are in recovery or recently lost someone to suicide or addiction.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when being alive began to feel unbearable.

By the time I was 7 years old, my parents had already been beating me for several years.

They would threaten to throw me out and leave me inside the dumpster or push me out the door.

I wasn’t allowed to cry or scream when I was punched in the face or had a bamboo stick cracked over my head.

The rule was: if you make a sound, the next one will be even harder.

So I learned early on, how to disassociate. To be somewhere else when the pain got too great. To embrace numbness.

—

I attended public school, but couldn’t grasp the English language. No one ever questioned why I would miss several days of school at once or come into school with a black eye.

When I look back on it, I always wondered why no one asked if I was okay. I remember concerned looks, as if someone was going to do something about the new bruise on my face. (No one ever did.)

I was bullied for being unable to speak English. The other children assumed I was stupid. They would ask me to say certain words (like ‘dildo’ — though I’m not sure how a 7 year old knows what that this) and then all laugh at how I said it with my accent.

I dreaded waking up every day to get bullied in school and then come home to be beaten by my parents.

—

By my tenth birthday, I developed a fascination with how people would die in tv shows — stepping on needles, drinking poison, hanging.

I opened my mother’s sewing kit and grabbed one of her pins. I decided to prick myself with it several times to see what it felt like.

I mixed acetone nail polish with my water and drank it, to see what would happen.

I wrapped the shower cord around my neck and managed to edge close enough to feel like my neck was going to burst from the circulation being cut off.

Each time, I felt lightheaded. There was a warm sensation that covered my body like a soft blanket. As a child that never experienced affection or love, this was the closest thing I ever had to feeling comforted.

Over the weeks and months, I became fixated with the different ways I could hurt myself.

I figured out that my body reacted to different pains in different ways.

Cigarette burns were dull and unpleasant. Drinking cough medicine or poisoning left me with a terrible stomachache. Bashing my head against the wall gave me a headache.

But then came my first love — cutting.

The sensation felt precise — like a focused burning. Relaxation would ease through my body. My breathing deepened. My fingertips tingled and my body would pulse between hot and cold.

That was when life became bearable again.

—

When I started middle school, the abuse at home had taken a different turn- it went from being violently physical to mental. My parents had discovered that in the United States, there was a such thing as social services and I had learned how to reach out to Child Protective Services.

Since my parents were married and had money, it was deemed that I didn’t have it as bad as children who had absent or addict parents. I had to deal with it because the system was too crowded. Still, my parents were cautious about how they treated me physically, from then forward, because they were fearful of being embarrassed.

They found other ways to torture me.

Every meal, they would remind me of how fat I was. I would begin to hide food and eat in the middle of the night, so I could be at peace, though their comments would still ring in my ears. I would binge eat and then run to the bathroom and shove my fingers down my throat.

My mother stared at my face once and shook her head. “You are so ugly,” she sighed, “Let’s get plastic surgery on your nose and sew up those fat lips.” My father laughed, pointed to cheerleaders on tv, doing their Superbowl routine and said, “Take a good look at those girls because you’ll never be pretty like that.”

I also had a little brother now, who was sick himself. My parents would also beat him, but if he was beaten, I was punished as well. His method of coping was to grope my breasts and watch me shower (I wasn’t allowed to lock or close any doors), as I started to grow into my teenage body.

Yet they didn’t leave any marks on my body that could be shown as evidence. Everything that happened was subtle… nonchalant. My word against their’s.

In fact, when I ended up in the hospital after my first suicide attempt, they told the doctors that sometimes I would lie about things for attention. My mother could cry on command and tell them she didn’t know why I was like this, because they loved me, so very much.

And why would anyone believe a thirteen year old girl who was heavily medicated with antidepressants and antipsychotics?

On the car ride home from the hospital, my father reminded me, “You have nobody. You know if you died, no one would come to your funeral. Nobody cares about you. The only person you’re hurting is yourself.”

—

At 14 years old, I started making friends with others who were also disconnected when it came to their parents. A few of them were cutters. A lot of them stole their parents’ drugs and would get high after school.

We were the rejects. The freaks. The kids that no one gave a shit about.

And still, I didn’t feel like one of them, either. (Borderline Personality Disorder does that to you).

I was exposed to harder drugs at 16, but I didn’t enjoy anything that I experimented with. There would be a trip or hallucinations, though nothing compared to the thrill of what it felt like to cut myself.

Cutting was my daily ritual. My fix.

The top drawer on my nightstand had a box of Kleenex, a lighter, rubbing alcohol, scissors, knives, and razors.

I would strip down all of my clothes and find a patch of skin that wasn’t covered by previous scars. I was gentle with myself. If I had cut an area too recently, I wouldn’t touch it again for a few weeks. I gave my skin plenty of time to heal, before I marked the same area again.

I finally had closure and relief. Every cut silenced the piercing sounds of my parents’ voices. The bullies at school couldn’t get me now. My brother couldn’t touch me. The smell of old leather and cheap vodka from the man down the street that raped my virginity from me, would vanish.

No one had to listen to me anymore. No one had to believe anything I said.

I had my support system now, in the form of knives, scissors, and razors.

This was the only time where my body was mine and my mind would cease being in fight-or-flight mode.

Over time, I was no longer reaching the same high as I was when I first started cutting. It took me three hours to release the same amount of endorphins that one single cut used to give me.

I began to bring pills back from my friends and took them before cutting. I began stealing alcohol from my parents’ liquor cabinet. Anything to feelalive.

—

When I left that house (it’s important for me to differentiate between a house and a home) and went to college at 17, I thought that I would finally live a normal life. I had a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, but I assumed that once I was away from the toxic environment I grew up in, I would be okay.

I went to college in a whole different state and chose a military school — they were strict about self-harm and drugs.

To my surprise, the friendships I made were turbulent. I was suffering from the beginnings of PTSD (which I wouldn’t be diagnosed with until I was 22)

At first, I tried cutting discreetly, but I was having a hard time getting back to that high, since I was limited on how much skin I could scar up. I began to have panic attacks and explode on my friends — and no 17–20 year old knows how to handle someone with BPD and budding PTSD. I don’t blame them for running far, far away from me.

I desperately needed another way to cope and I turned to sleeping with anyone that would have me, to give me the fix that cutting did. This led me down the road to promiscuity, alcohol, and more bullying (slut… whore… she changes partners faster than she can change her underwear).

There is a kind of high that you can get when someone looks at you like you’re the most beautiful person in the world- even if it’s only for that one second.

I craved to be loved and wanted, so deeply. Yet, I had no idea how to give it in return, since my whole life to that point was an endless cycle of abuse and violence.

Lovers put me in the center of their world for two minutes, in exchange for sex. I did my walks of shame and listened as people whispered things about my life choices. It didn’t matter if I was attracted to the person or not… as long as they were willing to love me for a second.

Eventually, my depression grew so deep that I kept drinking and I kept fucking until no one wanted to buy me alcohol or fuck me anymore. My GPA dropped to a point that I left college before they could kick me out.

—

I found myself wandering the streets of New York City (I grew up there, so I was intimately familiar with it.) I stayed with anyone that would have me and went on dates so I could have a hot meal. I cut. I drank. I partied. I spent every penny I would make.

I became the type of person that my parents always said I was. People agreed that I was disgusting, ugly, useless. The type of girl that no one would care about if she died. No one would miss her.

My Borderline Personality Disorder had gone untreated for way too long and since I was an unemployed adult, I had gained the lazy, mooching millennial, you-deserve-everything-you’re-getting status.

I got lucky a few times and old friends that felt bad for me let me stay with them, in exchange for sex or a little bit of cash. Since I knew my way around computers and was a decent writer, I freelanced for work. I also found a job working in a BDSM dungeon which also helped me pay for a place to stay, temporarily.

My life was a constant cycle of me disappointing other people, being told I was worthless, wallowing in self-pity, and then finding a way to numb the pain or feel alive. I had nothing to look forward to. I seriously thought about killing myself several times a day and kept a handful of doting lovers around to talk me out of it.

When I did wake up in the emergency room, the nurse would always ask if I regretted it. I always said, “I only regret that I’m such a failure I can’t even succeed in killing myself.” (Even when my heart stopped, I was somehow revived with medical care).

I couldn’t get my shit together and I was an absolute train wreck. But as long as there was a boy (or girl — I don’t discriminate) keeping me warm at night, whiskey constantly flowing through my veins, and a blade within arm’s reach, I was okay.

I made one last ditch effort to clean up my life by joining the military. It never occurred to me that I could move around the country and change the environment, but it wouldn’t make a difference to how I coped with life.

I was still haunted and held back by my abusive upbringing. My Borderline Personality Disorder was still there. I was still thinking about cutting myself every second of the day.

And I had lovers in and out of my bed. I also had a reputation for being a dangerous drinker — I didn’t know how to stop and pressured my friends into joining me.

People always say, “Get over it, it was so long ago.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You need to get tougher skin.” Trust me, I was doing my damn best to get help when the opportunity presented itself and because the abuse was no longer still happening, I was deemed as using my upbringing as a means to seek attention.

I was still getting worse, no matter how hard I tried to get my life together.

Then one day, like the cliche, my whole life changed. I stared down at a positive pregnancy test, still hungover from drinking so hard the night before.

—

It’s been 5 years since I last cut myself.

What destroys me is that people that walk into my life after I stopped cutting myself, think that I’m some great mother and doting wife. They think I have everything together- I give great advice, I’m so zen all the time, and I try to remove myself from drama.

People actually look up to me and I have no idea why.

I didn’t do anything special. I didn’t get the help I needed. I didn’t try harder.

I got pregnant and some guy I was fucking on and off decided that he was going to do right by the baby and marry me so maybe we could become a family. He kept me away from sharp objects. He stayed with me while I had panic attacks and had blackouts. He moved to Japan and he took me with him.

He spent hours holding me as I cried because I had nightmares about my parents. He was patient as I pushed and pushed him away because I hated being in skin that so many people had violated. He stuck with me as I repeatedly threatened to divorce him before he could ever leave me.

I don’t cut myself anymore because he doesn’t let me. I don’t drink anymore because he doesn’t keep alcohol in the house. I got so lucky that he supported me through every step of my recovery and that he completely accepted me, scars, baggage, and all.

I still think about killing myself and cutting myself, several times a day. I stare into the eyes of my beautiful sons and I ask over and over, “Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just be at peace?”

I haven’t lived with my parents for a decade and my brain is still in a constant state of fight-or-flight. I can’t be in clubs or around people who do heavy drinking or drugs because I will relapse.

I have relapsed, and I know I am capable of going back there- because it was the only place I was comfortable, for a very long time.

I don’t have some inspirational, Rocky-esque story about how I beat the odds and now I live a normal, well-adjusted life. I’m just some useless, deteriorating girl that got lucky because a guy that barely knew me, took a chance on me, and that opened the door to healing some of the shit I carry with me.

I got fucking lucky- and most people never have that chance. I’m 26 and I know way too many people who will never see this age. I like to believe that they’re in a better place where they can no longer feel pain, but their deaths leave shrapnel and permanent scars on the people they leave behind — people that had no idea that they were hurting so badly.

I write my story in hopes that if you are hurting, that you don’t compromise your need for support. I hope that the people you surround yourself with are the people who want you to live peacefully, not people who encourage you to stay where you are. You might need to take the edge off, especially at night (evenings are the worst… they last forever) but if you can see the sun come up in the morning, be open minded to trying to find support again.

You aren’t going to find the one person that makes everything better. You aren’t going to go to therapy or a hospital and come out a brand new person. There is no magic pill that makes it all go away. Not even cutting, drugs, alcohol, or sex makes it go away.

You just need to take that first step and open the door. You don’t even have to take a step inside yet.

Maybe you’ll meet someone who will look at you and love the disaster that you are. Maybe after one hundred therapists decide you’re too difficult to work with, the next one is brave enough to take your case on.

You don’t have to reach out today or go cold turkey, but you can ask the person you’ve known the longest or trust the most, to come over and sit down. You can even take it a step further and remove yourself from anyone or anything that has contributed to your pain. For me, that meant completely cutting my blood family from my life and deleting Facebook friends who were more interested in watching me degrade than helping me get better.

Maybe even that step is too painful right this second but you can tell yourself, “I want to get better.”

That’s enough.

I’m not going to say that things are going to be good one day. I still crave the numbness of alcohol and the happy highs of cutting myself. It’s a constant, persistent thought in my mind that tempts me over and over. I’ve relapsed, had my slip ups, and still blackout, but it doesn’t mean I failed.

It only means I try again tomorrow.

If you’re reading this and you love someone who is struggling with pain, compulsion, and/or addiction, know that it’s not your fault. People who contribute to that pain don’t give a fuck about helping the person get better. They only want to stop feeling guilty about what’s happening. But you, I want you to know and understand that there will be good days and bad days. There will be days where it looks like your loved one is going to break out of it for good, and then suddenly it all comes crashing down. You’ll be exhausted. You’ll be tested. You’ll want to run.

You can’t bear the burden of someone else’s pain, no matter how hard you try to take it away. You have to let the person that is suffering go through this experience. This is the hand that they were dealt and they have to play it out. Still, you must take care of yourself and if you need to take a step back, do it. Taking care of people like me is a lifelong commitment, not something that just stops one day. Get support for yourself and establish your own self-care, too. Prioritize your own mental health so you can take care of the person you love.

And for the rest of the world, if you’ve read this far, I really don’t know how you found this post or why you’re still reading, but I do have a request for you. If you see someone who sleeps around, is “looking for attention,” or always in a state of victimhood, addiction, compulsion, don’t be so quick to condemn them.

You don’t know their story. You don’t know where it all began. You don’t know what they’re running away from. He or she could be one bad day from turning off the lights.

I see those reposts on Facebook all the time… “repost this hotline if you care about…” “repost this if you’d help someone suffering with…” While the gesture is nice, a lot of us have given up on help. Therapists have failed them. Friends have teased them or called them weak, attention seeking, crying wolf. They trust little and hurt a lot.

If you’re willing, ask if they’re okay.

Those few words mean everything to people who are in pain.

They might not know what to say. They might not know what they need. They might lie to you and say they’re fine, but the fact that someone bothered to ask if they were okay, matters.

Ask, without expectation.

They may block you for no reason. They may cry and scream and vent at you for hours. They may ignore it. The important thing is that someone bothered to ask, instead of assuming they needed something or forcing them to get help or judging them for how their life turned out. Don’t send them links to support hotlines or suggest mental health services for them — you don’t know what they need and there is no one-size-fits-all help.

Instead, if you see someone who seems like they are crying out for help or having a hard time, don’t ridicule them. Don’t participate when people gossip cruel things about them.

Ask them if they are okay.

—

I close this by saying that I hope this post sheds some light into the world of someone living with an invisible illness. We carry a stigma of being too weak to help ourselves, but the truth — the actual truth, and not the one that society writes for us, is that we are fighting every second of our days, to stay alive. To not let the demons win. To hold on to the shreds of reality around us and not succumb to the darkness.

Each one of these people are human beings. They were once someone’s baby- whether they were loved and cared for or abandoned or neglected. They were once a child that dreamed and hoped and aspired. At some point, something went terribly wrong, and then something else, and then something else. And when that child turned around, no one was there to hold them up. No one got through to them.

There’s a door to recovery for each and every one of these people. All of their doors look different and all of their journeys before and after that door aren’t the same. No path is cut and dry or straightforward.

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/my-story/feed/0529211 Self-Care Tips After a Breakdownhttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/11-self-care-tips-breakdown/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/11-self-care-tips-breakdown/#commentsFri, 14 Jul 2017 13:48:09 +0000http://borderlinethriving.com/?p=5268I’ve always been intentional about my self-care and took notice about how my body is feeling, every hour of every day, and it can still not be enough. Especially if I just finished having a breakdown or an episode. I’m hoping that this post on self-care takes day-to-day methods one step further and helps add ...

]]>I’ve always been intentional about my self-care and took notice about how my body is feeling, every hour of every day, and it can still not be enough.

Especially if I just finished having a breakdown or an episode.

I’m hoping that this post on self-care takes day-to-day methods one step further and helps add a little bit more oomph to daily self-care.

1. Be honest with yourself about what led up to the breakdown.

Trigger points are different for everyone.

For me, they always look like something minor on the surface.

The other day, I was so sick that I fell asleep while simmering chicken noodle soup. When I woke up, it was three hours overdone and completely inedible. I felt myself about to snap.

It looked like I was going to have an episode over a bowl of chicken noodle soup, when in truth, I had been sick for several days, I was falling behind on work because of it, I was tired, I’m unable to care for my children, my house was falling apart, and now, we won’t have dinner because I fell asleep.

If you have a breakdown, be really honest with yourself about what led up to it. Revisit the days and events that led up to the episode and ask yourself what could have been done differently.

Were there signs that you were nearing a breakdown that you ignored or gritted through? Make note of them.

My self-care practices were more effective once I started learning when they needed to be implemented.

2. Hit pause.

You might feel tempted to continue with your day and life because “life goes on,” even after a breakdown.

But you should take 5-10 minutes to yourself. You deserve it.

Hit pause and give yourself time to sit down, breathe, and calm your mind. You might be coming down from the adrenaline and be at an okay place for now, but you want to make sure that you’re good.

If people are demanding you to do something or are letting you know that you’re running late for a commitment, let them know that you need a minute. If you have chores or other obligations you’re feeling stressed out about, let yourself know, you could use a minute.

Everything can wait. Give yourself a moment to completely come down from the breakdown.

3. Know that you don’t have to take advice if you’re not ready for it.

Talking about the breakdown or venting to someone about what’s going on helps with my post-breakdown self-care.

Usually, I need someone who is willing to listen but not offer advice on my issues, simply because I’m not ready to think about what I’m going to do next.

Let your loved ones know if you just need someone to listen and not give advice, if that’s what you need.

If people have a hard time respecting your wishes or boundaries and insist you need help now, thank them for their concern and that you’d take it into consideration, however, at this very second, you just need someone to listen without judgment.

4. Take responsibility for what you deliberately caused and let go of what you had no control over.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of, “I can’t do anything right,” or, “I just hurt everyone around me,” but remember, people have their own choices and free will. You can only take responsibility for your reactions and your choices, not other peoples’.

Last year, I had a falling out with a close friend and the situation blew up. It felt like I was hurting everyone I knew. After a period of reflection, I took responsibility for hurtful things I said to my friend and his decision to leave my life. I was at peace with this ownership. However, other people definitely took sides or participated in adding fuel to the fire for their own entertainment and that’s on them. I let go of the burden of dealing with anything other people consciously tried to stir up. I hurt my friend, but I didn’t hurt *everyone* else. They chose to involve themselves.

It’s liberating to own up to your flaws and misgivings, but only yours. Don’t put anyone’s faults or blames on your plate, because it doesn’t belong there.

5. Consider preventative options for future breakdowns.

It’s not enough to just take care of yourself after a breakdown. You have to be mindful about preventing the breakdowns.

This may mean that if you haven’t been going to therapy, you need to set up an appointment.

If you stopped exercising (if it was previously helping you) maybe you need to get an accountability partner and get back into your routine.

If you’re becoming overwhelmed with cleaning your home or childcare, figure out ways to make extra cash or save some money to hire a once-a-month housekeeper or weekend babysitter.

6. If you live with other people, discuss communication tips on when you might be headed to a breakdown and what to do in those situations.

My husband is no stranger to my episodes and when I’m getting too close to one, I will let him know that I’m about to push past my tipping point. He tells me to drop everything and go to wherever I need to be (usually the couch or wrapped up in bed).

We could be in the middle of cleaning the house or making dinner, but he knows that he will temporarily have to double up and do my share of the work. (When I come back down, I will tell him to go do what he needs to do for self-care and I will double up, so it’s fair).

I used to feel guilty about this, that maybe he thought I was using my breakdowns as a way of getting out of chores, but after we had an open conversation about my mental health needs, I realized that I was the only one that felt guilty. He completely understood and preferred for me to lay down for an hour or two while he did the rest, rather than me have a breakdown and him spending the whole night making sure I don’t hurt myself.

Make sure that if you do need to step away from household chores or work for self-care, that you always keep your word and pick up where you left off, once you’re in a better place. It helps the household feel more comfortable with you suddenly needing to leave.

7. Be intentional about what makes you feel good.

I have a giant list of self-care ideas for days that you may not want to leave the house. Definitely make one of your own. I know mani-pedi’s are a popular one, but truthfully, I’m not huge on getting my nails done. I don’t get any gratification or happy vibes afterwards.

However, I love getting a foot massage with reflexology.

I really don’t like exercise or going to the gym because I feel self conscious… but I adore swimming at the beach or playing Just Dance with my son, for fitness.

So don’t just take my suggestions for self-care… try a few different things and see what really makes you go “yesssssss….”

(P.S. Another feel good of mine is playing with stickers. Loved doing it as a child and I’m currently shamelessly covering my planners with stickers as an adult.)

8. Reinforce your boundaries

Pushing my boundaries is one of the ways that I head towards a breakdown. I know I shouldn’t be reading Facebook before breakfast or after 7pm, but I do it anyway and my brain becomes overloaded with hyped up, emotion fueled articles, and suddenly I’m not okay.

Or maybe friends have been asking for a lot of favors and I keep saying yes when I should be saying no.

Make sure that the boundaries that you have in place are being respected by yourself and the people that you surround yourself with. They’re there to help.

9. Take it slow for the next few days.

Do you need to go out with your friends or stay in?

Do you need to take a day or two off of work or do you need to get out of the house?

Don’t force yourself into anything too stressful over the next few days, since you may still be sensitive after a breakdown.

If you feel like you need to binge watch Netflix and eat some takeout, it’s okay to cancel your plans with your friends.

Do what you need to do over the next few days and don’t force anything. Take it as slow as you need.

10. Ask for help where you need it.

You’re wonderhuman and you know that you can do it all… but it’s okay to ask for help.

Maybe you took on a project and now you need to back out. It’s okay. It’s better to do nothing than to half-ass a project anyway. People may be temporarily upset, but they’d be even more upset if you were giving subpar work.

If you need someone to text you or check in on you at a certain time, ask. Maybe let them know that you’ll text them at 7pm every night for a week to let them know that you’re okay, and to please text you to make sure all is well, if you don’t.

You can also seek therapy or local support groups, if you need it.

11. Remember that you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Friend, I wish I had a gold star for every time I would not sign on Facebook or I would avoid my friends because I was too embarrassed to face them. I wouldn’t talk to my husband for a day or two because I was so ashamed that I had such a bad panic attack.

Your mental health (and any diagnosis it comes with) is a part of you. Maybe you have a panic attack once every few years or every other day. Maybe you flip out over chicken noodle soup or you can’t stop crying during Bambi. You’re a beautiful mess. The people who have chosen to be a part of your life are okay with this.

They’re here to support you and be there for you through your tough times.

Don’t be embarrassed of yourself or this part of you. It’s a part of your journey and your road to fulfill whatever it is you want in life.

What’s your favorite way to come back to a good place after a breakdown? Let me know in the comments below.

]]>https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/11-self-care-tips-breakdown/feed/3526881 Self-Care Ideas for When You Don’t Want to Leave the Househttps://mayhemandmania.com/blog/81-self-care-ideas/
https://mayhemandmania.com/blog/81-self-care-ideas/#commentsFri, 14 Jul 2017 11:44:12 +0000http://borderlinethriving.com/?p=5262Self-care is the first thing that goes out the window when I start feeling overwhelmed, especially when I have to take care of my kids or clients. I have a tendency to push things like personal care, health, and hygiene (don’t judge me) to the side. Then over the next few days, I start falling ...

]]>Self-care is the first thing that goes out the window when I start feeling overwhelmed, especially when I have to take care of my kids or clients. I have a tendency to push things like personal care, health, and hygiene (don’t judge me) to the side.

Then over the next few days, I start falling deeper and deeper into my depression to the point I’m not getting out of bed. I wrap myself up like a burrito, under my blankets, and shut out the world until I’m ready to reemerge.

What helps me get out of my funk is to do something small but still an act of self-care. It shouldn’t be expensive or elaborate at all- something near instant or able to be done in the comfort of my own home.

81 self-care ideas for those days that you don’t want to leave the house:

(Quick note: Some of these links are affiliate links which means if you make a purchase, I may get compensated, at no additional cost to you.)

Drink a glass of water or brew a glass of tea. (I loooove Thai tea as a comfort tea, with a splash of sweetened condensed milk).