Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Being Deborah Now

Here I am. It's pretty obvious what's going on here, I guess. I'm sixty-one, working out how to live here now. A year ago I thought I was dying. I was, as it turns out, just deficient in B12, B1 and D. B12 apparently leaves the body slowly, but when it got low enough it took me down suddenly and shockingly. One day I was walking upright, albeit in pain and kind of pulling my right leg around. I had been conscious of pulling my right leg for nearly two years. I was thinking I had suddenly aged a lot. And that it was all because I was out of shape, fat. But it was the B12. I had developed parietal cell antibodies and lost my intrinsic factor, likely due to years of taking zantac and then prilosec, on doctors' orders, to deal with severe reflux. No one had warned me of this possible side effect. No one figured out why I was suddenly down and hurting and feeling like hell for about four months. Then, with lots of physical therapy and persistence and B12 injections and B1 and D supplements, I regained some spring in my step, feel reliable on my feet and move with bearable pain.

So now I want to put that in the past and get back to living my life as best I know how.

This little spot is for self examination and celebration and keeping myself real. Today's challenge has not been met: I am to get to bed by eleven at the latest and get my sleep patterns round to what I need again. I have been trying to extend my days...hang onto them until the last possible moment. I have given so much of my life away obsessively, hoping to be a good person by serving, volunteering, and a lot of that has been fulfilling and good. But now that I have more selfish goals, my great fear is that there is not time to achieve them. So I have been somewhat mindlessly trying to stretch my days into night. This is not serving me well.

So, hello, and goodnight/goodmorning. I have failed two nights in a row. Not a great start. But at least I'm conscious and maybe tomorrow I'll be able to begin resetting this body clock.