it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November.

For anyone for whom the prospect of hearing Donald-Greta chatter is too awful to bear, the short version is that Trump knows through his inside sources that Nobama is going to start a war with Iran right before the election, which he will then win in a landslide, because history has shown that Americans rally behind the guy who just started a war in the Middle East for no good reason. (The last part of that sentence was meant to be sarcastic, but then we realized it was actually completely accurate and got real sad.) Trump emphasizes that he loves war a lot and that America would totally win the U.S.-Iran Nobama War of 2012-2019, but that we “hold all the cards” in negotiations with them and that we should get “100%” of what we ask for in those negotiations, so war would be a bad idea. “If you send in the right person to negotiate we’ll win much more than we ever could win through war,” he says, in what has to be the most disgusting pile of hippie puke ever spewed forth on any Rupert Murdoch-owned network.

But wait, could Donald Trump have … a hidden agenda? Notice his emphasis on the “right person” negotiating with those Persian crum-bums. Later, he repeats that “the right person should negotiate a phenomenal deal.” I mean, yes, assuming sanity prevails and President Romney doesn’t inherit a terrible war in January 2013, who should be there to negotiate … a truly phenomenal deal with the Iranians?

Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.

As the interview develops, Trump emphasizes that if our negotiators knew what they were doing, we would have demanded half of Libya’s oil in return for the assistance we gave to the rebels, rather than just doing it because we “hated dictators” or whatever. So, yes, Donald Trump is campaigning openly to be Secretary of State, and will preside over a brave new era of diplomacy in which we will openly demand the right to nations’ natural resources if they know what’s good for them. Don’t worry, though, the walled and heavily guarded oil extraction compounds we build in conquered territory will be tremendous compounds, very quality.

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons.
Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

Hell, try even saying it once very slowly, and I'll buy you all dinner.

LionHeartSoyDog

Sounds great, if they can get a wmd that is that specific.

emmelemm

The last part of that sentence was meant to be sarcastic, but then we realized it was actually completely accurate and got real sad.

Buck up, little camper.

Not_So_Much

This is bad news. It's not like Donald has ever been wrong about anything.

rickmaci

Donald Trump is the perfect example for why there should be debtor's prisons.

badseeds

Man, I bet you can really bang out the twitters when your fingers are as short as vulgar Donald's are.

OkieDokieDog

Damn you NBC, for giving this bloviating ignoramus a crappy assed reality show.

ChernobylSoup

We should send him to Iran to sort out their finances. They'd be bankrupt in no time. Call it the Trumpnet virus.

Pithaughn

or the SuxtobeTrump malware.

JustPixelz

Trump was kind enough to give us a preview of his Middle East negotiating technique:

Look at what's going on with your gasoline prices. They're going to go to $5, $6, $7 and we don't have anybody in Washington that calls OPEC and says, "Fellas, it's time. It's over. You're not going to do it anymore."

… I'm going to look 'em in the eye and say, "Fellas, you've had your fun. Your fun is over.

Or…

Stephanopoulos: It would take hundreds of thousands of troops to secure the oil fields.

Is there anyone (other than a few fringie delusional nutbags) who takes teh Donald seriously and doesn't just think everything that comes out of his piehole is a desperate attempt at reaping publicity? Anyone?

I comfort myself knowing that right now in some parallel universe there's a homeless bald man named Donald Trump who shouts about 'birth certificates' on the street corner while people flying by on their jetpacks just point and laugh.

Just to test his theory, Trump should stroll his yuge ass into Baghdad and negotiate with the Iraqis for their oil. I'm sure it would be an incredible deal. World class.

JackObin

Little Donnie Trump is an idiot, which explains his popularity.

fartknocker

He should commission someone from Deviant Art to make his own national JPEG. I'm envisioning him searching for the President's birth certificate with a large monocle, while shooting foreign made weapon at real estate regulators, while riding breast enhanced tiger named Puma.

anniegetyerfun

Yes, because murdering more dark-haired foreign people is sure to rally Obama's liberal communist base.

BarackMyWorld

This is good news for John McCain, whose foreign policy ideas sound perfectly sane and reasonable when compared to Donald Trump (but hardly anyone else).

HogeyeGrex

Well, since he no longer gets the Garish Ivanaian Rear Area…

anniegetyerfun

To be perfectly fair, I think it might against Iranian law to build non-garish condos.

coolhandnuke

My grandpaps told me to never trust anyone who eats pizza with a fork or combs his hair with a shop-vac.

fawkedifiknow

And here I thought he was just an orange-wig stand. The Donald has Nixonian foreign policy moxie.

Except for the fact that Trump said it, which makes it automatically mockable and ridiculous, I agree with the underlying sentiment. One good negotiator is more valuable than an army, and a small sliver of a fragment of a part of the cost.
Which is why I am very glad that Hillary Clinton is Secretary of State.

Jus_Wonderin

I think it is fair to say that if Donald just kept the dick in his mouth, we'd not have to hear this shit.