help

Jeez, where do I begin? I want to track and it's a lot easier to do it online, but I really don't want to have anything to do with basically anything or anyone. I'm not attracted to material things. My perspective is further advanced than just my own. I know that that probably sounds like total sh!t, but think of it like this; creative people have a broad sense of perception. I mean, they have to.

I'm a do-it-yourself kind of person. I like crafts, and even when the 21st century's economy didn't crash, I was still frugal - and I most likely always will be. But when I see things, I think to myself, "I can do that". Or if I'm just browsing around Wal-Mart to kill time (which seriously, I could live there because I spend so much time walking around and then lining things up, etc.).

My latest project? Something to cover up the hideousness of my kitchen table and the $4 cheap "wooden" one. I thought about spray painting the cheap one, but instead I went to the Dollar Tree ("where everything's a dollar!") and bought brown patterned wrapping paper. Then I got some of those wall decals that stick and come off easily, and clear wrapping paper. That table was a total of $7ish dollars (excluding tax). Tell me, WHERE can you find a new, customizable table that you 100% are happy with??? The table I got was about $14 at Target.

Oh, I also needed coasters. Do you know how hard it is to find coasters in general? Plus they're usually seasonal, ugly, and expen$ive. So, again, at the Dollar Tree, I bought a pack of sh!tty plastic CD cases and again, the decals, as well as clear self-adhesive shelf liner. I cut the CD cases in half (and the middle because it was uneven, since nothing was inside of it), put the decals on, and put the liner over it so the decals didn't wear and leak/stain all over the place. Let's see ... 10 coasters, decals, and shelf liner: $3 coasters.

I'm pretty pleased with myself. I haven't been feeling great, but there have been some small moments of victory. Like the above mentioned, but it doesn't last very long. In fact, today I had an appointment with Kristen and then afterwards with De La Cruz. I told him my recent symptoms and my suggestions as well as asking his thoughts, yada, yada, yada.

Unusually depressed, lonely, isolation, mood swings, headaches ... etc. Anyhoo. Of all the doctors I've seen and the diagnoses I've received, the most prominent (what I feel, not only by opinion but experience) is BPD I. Especially since I've been manic from November to just recently. First it was depression, then it was schizophrenic tendencies, next BPD I, PTSD (which I can see a correlation but I feel it's the least copacetic of them all), and today, BPD.

No, kids. BPD isn't the same as BPD I. I'm irked because some guy mentioned in a post that I may have BPD and I was all, "nuh-uh". I read up on it and I thought, "sh!t, he may be right ... damm!t. Not more sh!t I have to deal with ... ugh." I'm already having a hard time coping with having other terminal illnesses, the stuff that revolves around being an adult, school/work/finances/economy, secrets/lies in my so-called "family", etc. It's just too much.

It's frustrating for me when people tell me their opinion without my authorization. Because otherwise, it just feels patronizing. I DO NOT LIKE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO, WHO TO BE, WHAT TO LIKE, ETC. Got it? Okay, so I'm nowhere near being a conformist like Abby. I'm extremely independent and I accept the ramifications (sort of) that come with my non-typical lifestyle. I will willingly do something on my own, especially if it involves cleaning, but if you ask me to do it, I get irritated and don't want to.

Last night R asked me to clean the kitchen ... multiple times even though I had already told her yes. (I hate repeating myself, and this is where it stemmed.) I finally told her, "YYYESSSS. You know I do it anyway. Leave me alone." And I did it. I freaking SUPER CLEANED that kitchen like it's never had that kind of pleasure before. I gave R and D's kitchen an orgasm it will never forget.

So, with this guy mentioning that I should maybe look into BPD because of my self-harm issues and OCD, it was a familiar case with a neighbor of his or something. Life is supposed to be a journey. Since I'm talking about my dislikes, let me add this: I do not like people patronizing me (not that he did that, but I still get defensive) or cooing at me when they're younger, ("here is your meal sweetheart, blah, blah, blah" - kill me) when people express their opinions when they haven't been asked (like raising your hand, yes, I still do that to get attention sometimes). Most of it comes down to me not liking people having any control over me unless I allow it.

Anyway. I know I always write all over the place. I try to keep on track, truly, but my mind flutters and I have an extremely short memory span, that if I don't express it, I'll basically go into zombie mode for an excessive amount of time (creepy, eh?).

See, I just walked away from my computer and I can't remember what I was talking about or was going to talk about.

I'm so lost ...

I need to clean up, eat, and sleep. I'm so tired.

OH YEAH. As if last night couldn't have gotten any worse (just a really bad day, panic attack, urge to cut, etc.) it started raining when I was getting ready to go home with my laundry and a bunch of other really heavy stuff. My key wasn't working (electronic) and I couldn't figure out why. My car died. I still don't know why. Luckily the fire department was across the street and I asked them to help me. So I didn't get to sleep until like 4 and then I woke up at 6 this morning.

Another bad thing, real quick: that pain in my wrist, where I thought it was maybe a sprain from carrying too many things that were too heavy but I still did it anyway, or arthritis, I asked De La Cruz (since he's an M.D.) and he said something along the lines of bone mass tissue growth or cyst. He told me to get it checked out and my possibilities are have it removed (if applicable) or not and if not, and the pain continues ... there is nothing to do about it. You just deal. !@#$

So I'm dealing with a lot of mental issues, physical issues, family (Abby and R and D), school and work issues (Oxford), medication changes, finances, other family issues (Beev is dying of Lou Gerhig's and Arthur has Hep. C and not doing so well), vision problems, motor skill problems ... you name it, I've got it.

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