Would You Rather: Han Solo or Luke Skywalker?

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we discuss two hunks from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away: Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill).

Joel: Well, Tyler, we’ve finally made our way around to this iconic pairing. It probably shouldn’t come as a shock to you or anyone who’s paid attention to my tastes over the course of the last nine (?!) months, but I am a huge Star Wars fan. Just as a quick rundown: I have seen every movie (except for Revenge of the Sith) in the theaters multiple times, and have owned or read every single Star Wars expanded universe novel that takes place in the post-New Hope canon (that Disney has subsequently destroyed), I know the difference between a Bothan and Twi’lek (really anyone should) and openly wept in a public space when Chewbacca died (honestly, that book has been out for a decade and you weren’t going to read it anyway). All this to say, my affection for this franchise and the men that populate it runs deep. Is it safe to say that we’re both approaching today’s debate with the same level of context and deeply rooted passion for the mythos surrounding the Star Wars universe, Tyler?

Tyler: Ha ha ha ha, bless your heart. While I, like nearly everyone else on this planet, have seen the Star Wars movies (except for the second in the prequel trilogy; not sure how I missed it, not sure if I really missed anything), I wouldn’t call myself a superfan. Sure, I owned the original movies on VHS in that special packaging when they were re-released with George Lucas’ superfluous edits in the ’90s. I even saw Return of the Jedi in the theater! That’s how you know I’m only a fair-weathered Star Wars fan: the third one is my favorite. I’m sorry, but the Ewoks are cute, and I think otherwise the movies are a little silly.

Joel: Here’s a shocker, Tyler: I agree with you! I know that my credibility will be called into question here by vicious Empire Strikes Back stans, but while I admit it’s a great movie, its grit does not appeal to me in the same way Return of the Jedi’s joy does. This is the only VHS that was worn out by consistent watches and rewatches, and (possibly even more controversially) I honestly feel like the Ewoks got a bit of a bad rap. Ill-conceived certainly, but hardly the worst thing George Lucas has ever done to me, personally. Return of the Jedi was such a beautiful, cathartic end to this story, and is so appealing to me on some level that I almost don’t want another movie. Almost.

Tyler: I feel like Jar Jar Binks was punishment for the collective hand-wringing about the Ewoks. God, remember the ’90s? That was a very dark time — when Jar Jar Binks and Hayden Christensen had moments of relevancy. I’ve always preferred the late ’70s / early ’80s, myself, even if I’m not much of a Star Wars fan. The original trilogy had a much classier vibe. I mean, Billy Dee Williams? He sure could make space travel groovy and sexy.

Joel: I have to say, on a purely physical level, Hayden and Ewan both appealed to my adolescent loins much more than both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford. But I was young then, and my penis didn’t know any better. Even as a kid though, I knew the prequels were shit (aside from this one glorious arena battle) and kept returning to the original trilogy — and the original men! I don’t think either of these guys could be considered the typical Hollywood hunk by today’s standards, but something about their B-movie good looks is still appealing to me to this day. So let’s just jump right in. Do you choose our Campbellian Hero Luke or the roguish Han?

Tyler: His terrible acting aside (seriously: he is not very good at emoting), I am drawn to Harrison Ford’s whole look. I mean, who isn’t? It’s a good look — especially that jawline. And Han Solo has a renegade quality to him that appeals to me. Maybe this will surprise you, as in many of these debates I have gone with the softer, the tamer and gentler option. Not here. I want the freewheelin’ Han Solo to take me off into the unknown wilds of space (even though I’ve gone on the record about how much I hate space) at lightspeed.

Joel: While you’re right that in style this might be an oppositional stance for you, it’s also probably the more popular one, so in that way you’re still very much on brand. And I won’t disappoint either. I can say with full honesty and integrity that my choice is and will forever always be Luke. He doesn’t have the rugged showmanship that Han does— he doesn’t even really get a love story at all (except for a few, in retrospect, uncomfortable moments with Leia early on). But there is something so alluring about the way we see him grow up in these films. He goes from a backwoods planet farmboy to a soldier/priest and it’s sexy. I feel like people only really choose to remember Young Luke, in that terrible white tunic jumpsuit thing, and not sleek, all-black Luke who eventually saves the entire universe. Remember that Luke! Choose that Luke!

Tyler: Maybe that’s my problem: for me, Luke will always be the whiney little kid from Tatooine (I had to Google that, obvs). And yes, he grows up and displays a nice emotional evolution, but what I’m talking about here is intergalactic boning. Han Solo is where it’s at. He’s a rebel. He can’t be tied down. He’s kind of a jerk and his best friend is a giant dog. In my space-age fantasy, I’m going to be the one to bring him down to Earth, so to speak.

Joel: I guess I’ve always been more of “anymore body pics” man myself, and we don’t really know what lies beneath that vest. We do, however, get some nice sweaty shots of Luke doing nightmare crossfit on Degobah in The Empire Strikes Back, so you know his Grindr tribe is at least “toned twink, athletic rising.” I honestly can’t call up any moment that we see Harrison Ford shirtless at all, and that’s a big problem for me.

Tyler: Luckily, I live in the real world where I have seen Harrison Ford shirtless in other films. I feel confident in my choice.

Joel: What fucking films, Tyler. What. The Fugitive? Raiders of the Lost Ark? Air Force One? Sabrina? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Fuck you, I don’t believe you. You’re choosing Han because the movie wants you to choose Han. People love this guy because he was a huge dick to the woman he supposedly loved right before he (essentially) dies. Meanwhile Luke is doing all the heavy lifting and doesn’t get any action until the books. And even then his first serious girlfriend is a GHOST. I may be stanning for the underdog here a little bit, for sure. But I believe in Luke, his body, and his personality more than I believe in Han. Plus he’s a space wizard, and that’s super fucking cool. Han is like that guy who’s obsessed with his shitty car that you’ll never take precedent over.

Tyler: Once again, I feel like I’ve found myself in a blissful spot in which I’m really not very much invested in this pairing — but I do love it when you go on a tear, so I’ll continue to poke you here. How about this one? At least Han has two arms!

Joel: Oh my god, Luke has two arms, he lost a hand— What are you even talking about? You don’t have to have read the books to know that! Han is boring. Give me the space wizard or give me death. I’d rather have sex in a swampy cave with a nightmare illusion of Luke, then roll around in the Millennium Falcon and have to lint roll my tunic because Chewbacca doesn’t get brushed enough.

Tyler: It’s so easy to rile you up sometimes! Now, I know we usually end this with a mini-debate about what secondary characters we would pick, but I want to make it interesting: which non-human Star Wars character — from the original trilogy — would you want to snuggle up with in the cold climes of Coruscant?

Joel: Oh that’s a good twist. I wasn’t expecting that one. I think out of the few non-human characters we actually get to know, I’d probably go for Bib Fortuna. I’ve always had an affinity for Twi’leks and I feel like I could do a lot with those lekku, you know?

Tyler: In a testament to my absolute basic-ness and expressing my complete lack of an effort here: I pick Yoda. He’s spunky, he’s funny, and he’s a total enigma. Plus, just imaging holding onto those ears, if you know what I mean.

Joel: You don’t deserve any of the good things this life has provided you.

Tyler: I do want to put out into the universe the notion of having sex with R2-D2. Do you think it’s a top or a bottom?

Joel: I think you’re a monster.

Tyler: C-3PO is probably a bottom for sure.

Joel: A bossy bottom.

Tyler: R2D2 is totally vers.

Joel: I want to leave it there, but before I do. One last question, Tyler: who shot first?