SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, July 7, 2013 Edition

Obamacare
Fiasco Blamed on GOP

This past week the Obama
Administration unilaterally decreed a postponement in the legislated
deadline for implementation of the employer compliance component of
the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). While many have questioned the
legally of this action, Senior White House Adviser Valerie Jarrett
vociferously defended it.

“The
President can't be held to a rigid statutory calendar if, in his
judgment, the results would be detrimental to his overall agenda,”
Jarrett claimed. “Allowing the employer sanctions to go into effect
as legislatively mandated would've introduced a negative impression
of the Act at a most inopportune time.”

The postponed employer sanction
is a $2,000 fine for each employee not provided with acceptable heath
insurance. The “negative impression” likely refers to the
anticipated shock wave of anger amongst the surprisingly large
segment of the population that surveys show is unaware of this
penalty.

“Heading into the crucial
mid-term elections in 2014 we feel it is essential that there be a
positive vibe to the program,” Jarrett argued. “Much more is at
stake than ritualistic adherence to arbitrary deadlines. The chance
for our Party to retake the majority in the House must not be
imperiled by mindless devotion to formalities.”

House Minority Leader Nancy
Pelosi (D-Calif) confirmed Jarrett's take on the issue saying that
“the year's delay will give employers more time to adjust their
attitudes toward the new reality. Right now there's a lot of
complaining about how this will hurt profits and force layoffs. We
can't risk vindicating these complaints ahead of the 2014 elections
that will determine which Party will control Congress.”

Representative Debbie
Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla), Chair of the Democratic National
Committee, praised “the President's commitment to a higher
principle than mere observance of a statutory requirement. I find it
reassuring that he is willing to go beyond a narrowly defined role as
an enforcer of the laws enacted by Congress and assume the mantle of
champion of the people's right to improved health care.”

GOP contentions that the delay
in implementation is evidence of the impracticality of the heath care
law were dismissed by Jarrett. “If the health care law is a mess
it's because we didn't get the single-payer system we wanted,” she
complained. “If government were the sole arbiter of what could be
spent on treatments there would'nt be penalties for noncompliance.
There wouldn't be any option to decline coverage. Everyone would be
covered whether they liked it or not. The necessary funds would
simply be withheld from their paychecks.”

Obama
Urges Africans to Accept Poverty to Save Planet

President
Obama urged Africans to “step up and make the sacrifices needed to
spare the world from the ravages of global warming.”

The
President blamed global warming on “America's insatiable lust for
comfort and convenience. In America the people have grown soft. If
they are hot they want to turn down a thermostat to cool an entire
building. Instead of going to sleep when it gets dark they demand
electricity to banish the night. Rather than confine their travel to
destinations reachable on foot they drive everywhere.”

The
“self-indulgent” behavior of Americans was contrasted with the
“stoic heroism of average Africans who endure lives of squalor that
place minimal burdens on the planet's ecosystem. Your homes are built
of mud and straw. Your food is natural and unprocessed. Manual labor
and walking for hours each day keep you fit. It is a lifestyle to
which all should aspire.”

Obama allowed that “it will
take generations of effort and enlightened policies to bring
Americans in line with the planet-saving modes of living that are the
norm in Africa. I ask that you patiently wait for us to catch up with
you rather than rushing to embark on the same destructive path we
have taken.”

President
Cancels Fireworks for Troops

Citing
budget constraints, the Commander-in-Chief ordered the cancellation
of July 4th fireworks displays at a number of military
bases. The juxtaposition of the relatively minor savings achieved
with the extraordinarily costly Presidential family vacation tour of
Africa currently underway has raised some hackles.

Press
Secretary Jay Carney expressed some sympathy for the disappointed
service men and women, but defended the Administration's choice to
spend $100 million on the African trip. “Granted, the trip may be a
thousand times more expensive than what would've been spent on the
canceled fireworks, but the benefits are more than a thousand times
as great,” Carney contended.

“I'd
venture to say that every one of the military personnel affected has
seen fireworks shows more than once in their lives,” Carney
guessed. “Compare this to the millions of Africans who have never
had the opportunity to see President Obama. The President's trip is
giving these millions of Africans a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to
glimpse the greatest man of their era live and in person.”

“We
are confident that the American people will weigh the minimal
sacrifice imposed on some of our troops against the enormous benefits
the President is bestowing on these otherwise deprived and
impoverished Africans and agree that he made the correct decision,”
Carney concluded.

In related news, US troops
stationed in Afghanistan celebrated July 4th by holding a
“Gay Pride” parade. An incensed Afghan Government protested the
“flaunting of depraved and forbidden sexual behaviors in our faces”
and demanded “the payment of $10 billion in compensation.”

Egyptian
Turmoil Puts Administration in Quandary

The
military ouster of the democratically elected Mohammed Morsi
government in Egypt has put the Obama Administration in a difficult
position. Existing statutes mandate the termination of military aid
to any country in which a military coup overthrows an elected
government. On the other hand, the new Egyptian regime threatens to
release the contents of Morsi's secret files if aid is stopped.

Based
on previous disclosures from Libyan intelligence files, it is
speculated that Morsi's files may contain information linking his
government to both arms trafficking between Ambassador Stephens and
al-Qaeda rebels in Syria as well as the attack on the Benghazi
Consulate safe house that ended up killing Stephens and three other
Americans.

“It's
a difficult moral dilemma,” said US Secretary of State John Kerry.
“On the one hand, we have an obligation to respect the right of an
electorate to choose their own oppressors. On the other hand, we have
the obligation to protect our own government from damaging
revelations.”

Kerry insisted that “there
will be no 'knee-jerk' rush to comply with what may be an out-dated
and inapplicable statute. There will be discussions at the highest
levels to try to find the most appropriate resolution of these
seemingly conflicting obligations.”

NYC
Mayor Choice: Pervert or Food Nazi?

New
York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn's latest campaign promise
may be behind the surprising surge in voter appeal of her rival for
mayor, former Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY). Quinn says that
if she's elected companies will not be allowed to market unhealthy
foods to children.

One
voter who said she is reluctantly switching her support to Weiner
explained “it's a tough choice. I mean, there's no question that
Weiner is a pervert, but the scope of the damage he can do seems like
it would be more limited. Being on the receiving end of one of his
sexts would be disgusting. Quinn, though, looks like she wants to be
a dictator. Sure, she thinks it's for our own good, but shouldn't I
be the one who decides whether my kid gets a 'Happy Meal' or not?”

DOJ:
Government Has Right to Ban Home Schooling

The
Department of Justice intervened in the case of a German family
seeking asylum in order to home school their children. The Romeike
family fled Germany when authorities threatened to remove their
children from their parents' custody if they weren't sent to public
school.

Lawyers
for the family called teaching one's own children a fundamental
parental right. Not so, said a brief filed by the US Department of
Justice: “Where the boundary lies between parental authority and
state authority is a matter of law. The state's interest in promoting
a child's socialization as a participant in the collective body of
the nation's people is just as valid as a parent's desire to promote
his values and beliefs. To assert that this family has a so-called
'human right' to escape from a jurisdiction that imposes a collective
vision over their individualist vision unfairly denigrates the
state's interests.”

The
fact that the German law against home schooling was enacted by the
Nazis in 1938 was held to be “irrelevant” by the DOJ: “The
Nazis have been long gone from the scene in Germany. Numerous
subsequent governments have had the chance to repeal this law. We can
only conclude that Germans prefer siding with the state over the
individual in this matter. By granting asylum we would be negating
the German government's claim to decide who shall control the
education of a child.”