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Maybe I would have an answer for the questions that are plaguing my mind and pulling at my spirit.

Do I quit?

Do I fight?

Should I be this scared?

Am I hiding from the eventuality?

This is such a hard choice to make, so hard to fathom and to find the strength to surpass my fears. Once again I had another on the mat injury with a particular black belt, taking an elbow to the temple, which was no fun. I asked him politely to slow down, which he did for a while, but that lasted only so long. What bothers me, is that even though I'm a beginner with pretty good ukemi, he of all people should know, and as Nage feel that I am not ready to work at his lightning fast pace. I still have yet to find a clear way in which to convey this, as all other attempts have yielded rather poor results.

With Crocker Sensei leaving, there is only this black belt and a female 2nd kyu (soon to test for her black belt if I remember correctly) to take the teaching of the class. I'm not sure that I can learn from him. He lacks warmth and patience, in my little opinion, for those less experience, with the expectation that you will know and absorb every intricate little detail.

Do I quit? Or do I fight? I feel like I'm being torn apart, this integral thing that is mine and mine alone is suddenly in danger of being destroyed. Quitting seems logical, but then I would be letting my training partners down, and my self. I've come miles from day one, and now suddenly I feel that everything I have worked so very hard is now in jeopardy. What do I do? What can I do?

Change is frightening, and change from the norm which I have become accustomed to since that first day back in January, seems so very foreign. The prospect of training in Denver bothers me because I am out of my sphere. I feel like I will be judged like a prize bull. Testing looms close as well. I had hoped to have the chance to test with Crocker Sensei, a friendly and non judging face, but now I know that that path is my own to carry alone.

No matter how I look at it, I feel that I am faced with choices that will change, ruin or reinvigorate the path and energy that my training will take. My only prayer right now is not to be ruined by a harsh hand, nor to be denied the chance to grow and learn despite my short comings.

Kaitlin. Why are there only two options? I don't think that this is a formula for a fight brewing at all. Do we fight in Aikido? Why fight in the Dojo? I think that there are challenges in life, and this is one of them. It's not about "stay or go," it's about "rise to the challenge or stay in stasis." The only times I've ever been injured were because of my own mistakes. Maybe in his own way he's trying to motivate you to the level that HE THINKS you can acheive. I don't know that a black belt would ever hurt someone as new as you on purpose, so maybe look for other reasons for the "offense." I have a feeling that you self-sabotage a bit, and this sounds like a classic case where you might want to get out of something uncomfortable, but you need to make an excuse bad enough to convice yourself that you need to abandon your own promise. Rise to the challenge, there is no question. If this came naturally to everyone we wouldn't need to be in the Dojo in the first place. Yes?