Doctor Reveals the 5 Craziest Penis Conditions He’s Ever Treated

Ever hear the one about the farmer who got his penis mangled in a hay bailer, then had doctors build him a brand-new penis using parts of his forearm?

No? Then you don’t hang out with Brian Steixner, M.D., Director of the Institute of Men’s Health at Jersey Urology Group in Atlantic City. Dr. Steixner often regales his buddies with insane tales from his practice, where he has seen and treated every gruesome penis problem in the book.

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“It’s comical, the stuff that comes in my office,” Dr. Steixner says. Spend a half hour on the phone with the urologist and you’ll hear so many stories of dick destruction (and reconstruction) that you can’t help but clutch your own junk in fear of what could happen to it.

Nevertheless, Dr. Steixner’s anecdotes must be shared. Here are the five grisliest cases that have ever come across his operating table. Yes, you’ll cringe, but you’ll also learn an important lesson or two—namely, to be a little more careful around hay bailers.

Dr. Steixner looks back fondly on the fellow who came to him from a comic convention in Atlantic City. The 19-year-old was dressed in full Lord of the Rings garb, and had apparently taken his love for Tolkien a little too far. Dr. Steixner says the patient had placed the toy ring from a LOTR board game on his penis.

“So I get called to the ER, and I’m looking at this Gandalf guy who doesn’t have pants on, and he’s got the ring stuck around the base of his penis,” says Dr. Steixner. The problem: “The convention had taken place 4 days ago!”

By that point, all of the skin on the patient’s dong had died, and the would-be wizard was too embarrassed to see a doc right away. “If you leave a penis ring on for a prolonged period of time, eventually blood will begin to accumulate in the penis beyond where the ring is,” Dr. Steixner explains. “The ring constricts the outflow of blood. Your penis swells and swells, and with no blood able to get out, the skin dies.”

It’s Dr. Steixner’s job to save wounded weiners, so the patient made it out in one piece. “But it took an hour for us to cut through the ring,” Dr. Steixner says. “When we finally got it off, it shot across the room, and I yelled, ‘save the ring!’”

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Cock rings can be a great tool for enhancing your pleasure—see which ones land on our list of The Best Sex Toys for Men—but you can’t leave them on for very long.

“Don’t use a cock ring for more than an hour,” Dr. Steixner advises. “If you put anything around your penis, you have to remove it pretty quickly after you’re done using it.”

2. No Straight Shooter

One day, a middle-aged man was hunting deer in New Jersey with a bow and arrow. Though Dr. Steixner doesn’t know the specifics, the hunter pulled back his arrow in such a way that when he fired it, “the arrow went off course and shot up inside his penis—in an act of God.”

The arrow got lodged in the man’s corpus cavernosa, the two cylindrical tubes that fill with blood when you have an erection.

“So we had to ‘de-glove’ the penis,” Dr. Steixner explains. “I made an incision at the top of his penis, moved all of his skin down, found the holes where the arrow had pierced, removed the arrow, and then patched up the holes.”

However, the patient left Dr. Steixner’s office with an unfortunate parting gift. “His penis now bends 45 degrees to the right.”

Here’s why: There are no real bones in your penis—just a collection of soft tissue and connective tissue. If you damage any of that tissue and scarring occurs, when you get an erection, that scar can’t elongate anymore. So your penis will naturally bend toward the side where the scarring happens, Dr. Steixner says.

Remember the farmer we told you about in the intro? Dr. Steixner says the man was bailing hay in the New Jersey Pinelands, and somehow his baggy pants got sucked into the bailer. We’ll spare you the details of how exactly the machine ripped his penis to shreds . . . but just know that it did.

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When the farmer landed in the ER, all that was left of his member was a “small little stub—not even enough to pee or have sex,” Dr. Steixner says. “He wanted a new penis. So we built him one.”

Dr. Steixner and his crew shaved the farmer’s forearm, taking some of his skin and muscle off. They tubularized the arm parts into a structure that resembled a penis, transplanted it onto his groin, and connected his blood vessels, almost like a skin graft.

The docs then put malleable metal rods inside the new penis, which gave the man the option to manually control his erections.

And did we mention the size of this thing? “We conservatively made it 8 inches limp,” Dr. Steixner says. “What are you gonna do? The guy lost his penis. We might as well make the new one massive.”

Before we share this repulsive story, here’s a quick explanation for how you can break your boner: When your penis experiences some kind of force—like if you accidentally hit your partner’s pubic bone during sex while thrusting, or if she moves it too much when grinding on top—the soft tissue that holds the blood in your erection snaps, leading to a fracture.

So you almost always have to have sex to fracture your penis, which makes this tale especially twisted.

Dr. Steixner had a patient report to his office with three broken penises in 2 years. But he would come in with his family members, who insisted he had no sexual partners, since he lived all alone on a secluded goat farm in New Jersey.

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The man chalked up the third injury to a fall he had suffered while working on his farm. But after Dr. Steixner did his repairs, the patient developed a pretty significant infection at the site of the wound.

“So we cultured the bacteria, and it came back as this rare bacteria that only lives in goats’ rectums,” says Dr. Steixner, with a sigh. Though he couldn’t necessarily prove bestiality, the evidence was damning. “It was a dark day.”

5. Butt Wait, There’s More . . .

Dr. Steixner calls this last one his “greatest story ever.” And though it doesn’t actually involve any penises, it’s too unbelievable not to share.

When Dr. Steixner was training as a med student, his team of doctors occasionally checked in with a young woman who was born with something called a “cloaca.” Her bladder, vagina, and rectum didn’t fully develop, so everything from her intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts came out of the same hole. (It’s what birds have.)

Reputable hospitals can correct this, but the woman’s doctors botched the surgery when she was younger. They misconnected her uterus to her rectum, meaning she had a “blind-ending vagina,” Dr. Steixner says. You can imagine all the problems this caused, like where she bled during her period, for example.

Flash forward to several years later, when the woman showed up in Dr. Steixner’s ER—with a baby in her belly. “We knew about her condition, and we had followed her for a decade,” he says. “After doing a whole bunch of X-rays, we determined that she got pregnant from having anal sex.”

Then came the million-dollar-question: “Was she going to have to poop the baby out? I thought that would be hilarious, but ultimately, the OBGYNs couldn’t figure out a way to effectively deliver the baby through the rectum safely. So she had a C-section.”

There’s really no lesson from this bizarre-but-true case, Dr. Steixner says, except for one thing: “They totally lied to us in 9th grade health class.”

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