Banish the Masterpieces!

For almost 2000 years, Western Art has groped about in the darkness, laboring under the Ptolemaic misconception that Earth (and humankind) is at the center of all things. Until now. On October 20th, 2011, artist and philosopher Jonathon Keats will unleash a Copernican revolution in the arts that will erase the vibrant landscapes of Van Gogh, the mind-bending portraits of Picasso, even the tortured dystopic visions of Bacon – replacing them with a featureless field of beige.

"After millennia of egocentric navel-gazing,” says Keats, “astronomers learned from Copernicus that there's nothing special about us. We're on an average planet in a typical galaxy, and that's to our advantage because it lets us assume that whatever we observe here, like the speed of light or the forces within atoms, will be the same everywhere."

The necessary carnage will not be confined to the visual arts. According to an anonymous source, Mr. Keats also intends to transform cooking, “applying Copernican principles to cuisine by producing a universal anti-seasoning that gives any dish the homogeneity of the cosmos. Blind taste tests have shown that his new condiment makes everything bland.”

What’s the Significance?

What we’re witnessing here is nothing less than the healing of the ancient schism between Art and Science. At last, we will all be on the same page about our puny place in the universe.

Art collectors will have to find another hobby, as no post-revolution artwork will be more valuable than any other. Museums and arts organizations around the world will no longer find themselves embroiled in Mapplethorpian controversies about what constitutes ‘art.’ Instead, they will be faced with the challenge of which among millions of identical paintings to hang in their galleries.