Aston Villa appoint John Major to replace Lambert

Former Tory Prime Minister Sir John Major said today he was “surprised but excited”, after Aston Villa invited him to take over as their new manager.

Villa made the decision to drop current manager Paul Lambert, after going ten games without a win, losing a friendly to the Taplow Women’s Insitute team, and dropping into the premier league’s relegation zone.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for the ailing club, said “Some people think our embarrassing string of losses should be blamed on the chaps who run around on the pitch for forty-five minutes, sit down for a bit, and then run around for another forty-five minutes. They are, after all, the ones kicking – and occasionally headbutting – the round thing.

But we decided to blame the manager, because Paul just sits on a bench like he doesn’t even know what’s happening, and he almost never runs around on the pitch. He’s certainly never scored a goal.”

The decision to replace Lambert with the former conservative Prime Minister was a ‘no-brainer’, said the club.

Major, who has only got into football since retiring from politics, said “I did have to think about it for a bit. I guess I’ve tended to see myself as more of a player than manager, and I was hoping this year to beat my personal best of 351 goals scored in a single season (2013).

“But after captaining Germany to World Cup victory last summer, I felt ready for a new challenge.
Aston Villa are in real trouble, and i think this will be a really interesting job.

“My first move will be to make some transfers. I plan to get Lords Lamont and Hurd for defence, and good old Lord Patten of Barnes as striker. He’s much better than you’d expect.”