Dr. Sally describes two power grabs guaranteed to drive you nuts

Dr. Sally Porter Ross is a Houston psychologist who drives the Middle Lane on Wednesdays. Today she writes about ways in which some people try to make themselves seem important. Read on…perhaps you’ve observed this yourself:

Marcia spoke with compassion: “You know, I feel sorry for the guy; I really do. I want to say to him, ‘Look,

Sometimes a simple thank you or a compliment gives the conversation a whole new tone.

I’m interested in what YOU think, not all these experts you keep citing. Your perspective is what really matters to me.’ But, I just haven’t found the right time to tell him this and meanwhile, he keeps prefacing most of his remarks with statements like, ‘My physician says…’ or, ‘You know, professionals advocate that…’ or, and this one really drives me nuts, ‘The leading thinkers of our time assert…’ It’s getting to the point where I’m actually avoiding him.”

Marcia was describing what it’s like to deal with those who rely on “Back-Up Authority.” Not believing that their opinion alone carries much weight, they feel a need to reference whatever authority they can to give what they’re saying the necessary credibility.

Another strategy that some people use to exert their authority I call “Petty Power.” This is Mark with the perfect illustration:

“Yep, it happened again. And I swear, I can actually see her smile when she sees me approaching her desk. She just can’t wait to tell me, ‘No,’ or, ‘This could take some time,’ or, ‘I’ll have to look into that and get back to you.’ ”

You could almost see the steam coming from Mark’s ears as he described his incredibly frustrating encounters with a co-worker. “She knows she’s got me where she wants me, and there’s not a darned thing I can do about it. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

Mark was dealing with someone who gets their power needs met through exercising, “Petty Power.” These are the individuals who don’t feel that they have any truly important power in their lives; therefore, they resort to using whatever power they do have to thwart someone else’s needs, to frustrate them, to remind them that they can make their life more difficult or, at the very least, less pleasant.

Both of the above situations are good examples of the maladaptive ways in which some people attempt to gain a sense of significance. You’ve heard me say it before, and I’ll say it again: all of us need a sense of significance, to know that we matter, that we have some degree of personal empowerment. Fortunately, most of us work at getting this in healthy, productive ways. But there are those among us– and you have probably encountered them more than once in your life — take the other road. These are the people who can sometimes make us feel that our head is about to explode.

So, how to handle these upsetting people? Of course one way is just to endure, to accept the fact that from time to time, we will run into them, so just make the best of it. But sometimes, throwing a compliment their way can make a big difference. When you think about it, what they’re wanting is to feel noticed and empowered. You can give them that by letting them know that you see something in them that’s special enough to warrant a compliment. I’ve done this many times and in the majority of cases, it has absolutely changed the tone of the conversation.

One Response

“When you think about it, what they’re wanting is to feel noticed and empowered.”
This way will encourage them to continue their intimidating tactics.

The best way to handle these persons is to intimidate them. It doesn’t help to argue with persons who have already made a negative decision. Say, thank you and then look for higher clout.
Example: The Health & Human Services Commission has 50,000 employees. The Department of Aged/Disabled has 16,000 of these employees. It is impossible for the commissioners and deputy commissioners to know what they are doing unless the concern is brought to their attention with a rational story. No emotions. Just the facts.
They will check into the concern with the persons already involved or if a new concern will assign somebody to handle it. Coming from the top the worker will make every effort to be nice.
The problem is most people try to resolve their concerns themselves. Bureaucrats love that. But when a support group addresses the concern the whole atmosphere changes. That’s assuming the support group are real advocates or just floundering.
It’s not easy and no magic wand is involved. Just patience and determination.
Another example: A person 79 or older has to renew their driver’s license every 2 years. The line at the Gessner DPS office is around the block so standing in line is impossible. I called the DPS office, rang 47 times, no answer.
I called my state representative office–Rep. Vo. His aide called Austin, told me to see the person at the door when I go and I will be directed to a process person. You can renew your license 6 months prior to when it expires.
This should be policy for everyone older than 79 so I hope in the coming legislative session a policy change will happen.