Week commencing 26.10.03

Asylum prosecutions

The government on Monday announced plans to prosecute Asylum seekers that arrive into the UK without travel documents. Surely this is only going to add further expense to the whole process. Surely this means that as well as clothing feeding and housing those that have fled their country for whatever reason, there would now be the added expense of prosecuting them. What if they are found guilty, what will de do, deport them? Surely we would do that anyway?

Stabbed in the head

Scott Thompson, 18, from Delves Lane, Consett in County Durham, was sentenced to two years in a Young Offenders Institution for the attack on David Siddle, 20.

Thompson pleaded guilty to wounding with intent at Newcastle Crown Court. He denied attempted murder. Mr Siddle, also from the Delves Lane area, was attacked from behind by Thompson while he and a friend were on a night out in Consett in April. A penknife was plunged three inches into his head.

I find it hard to believe that the courts did not find this man guilty of attempted murder. It is not like this guy slipped and stabbed him in the head, he sneaked up behind him aimed at his head and plunged a knife into his head. Sounds premeditated to me.

But here is the funny thing, the victim did not know that there was a knife in his head until his friend told him. How do you not know that a knife is in your head!

Brain for Sale

The idea is that Keats, 32 and an Artist, sells the rights to his brain, and with it his original thoughts, for perpetuity. This relies on new technology – not yet invented – which will keep his brain alive and functioning, even after he has died. Unfortunately, copyright laws have watered down his plan for eternal life. Copyright in the US lasts for the life of its creator, plus 70 years. But, in theory, that still means Keats’ mind could be generating revenue for three score years and 10 after his death.

Investors can only buy an “option” – the big money comes when he does die.At that point all six billion neurons in the brain will transfer to the Jonathon Keats Holding Company. Anyone with an option will have the chance to buy their million neurons for $10,000.

I can only quote Prince at this time “If a man is considered guilty for what goes on in his mind, then give me the electric chair for all my future crimes.”

The Bell end

Manchester City football club today reneged on its promise – a promise to its fans to name their new west end stadium after a player they chose. The Fans chose to name the stadium after football legend Colin Bell. However directors rejected the name claiming that non-fans had sabotaged the votes.

Colin Bell is said to be deeply disappointed, however the council will name a road after him to compensate.

Peewee

A hamster so small he could fit into a match box could well find his way into the Guinness Book of Records.

The tiny creature – called Peewee – is fully grown and yet measures less than one inch in length, weighs less than one ounce and is no higher than a 50p piece.

Otherwise know as a ‘bite-size’ meal for your pet cat or dog.

Conservatives

Well, Ian Duncan Smith, or George Smith as he was christened, has been ousted. His position had really been undermined when the attacks on his wife’s role as is personal secretary were drawn into question.

Anybody surrounded by that sort of controversy before they got into power would not have the confidence of the nation.

Now the Conservatives have put forward an alternative. One alternative. How democratic.

With Thatcher, Major, Hague, and now Smith, maybe the Conservatives should change their name to ‘the Leaving Party’.

A Bajan Concorde

BA announced on Thursday that they could not afford to keep their fleet available for ‘special occasions’ so they are distributing them to museums around the world.
One Concorde will be going to Grantley Adams airport in Barbados, a regular stop for Concorde when it flew.

I am pleased that Barbados has one of the Concordes but I can only imagine what the tourist board is going to do with it in order to get the punters on board. Steal Pan bands playing ‘Hot hot hot’ and school children being forced to sing to lobster red tourists.
I shudder.Westminster Abbott

Hackney MP Diane Abbott, known in the past for her scathing attacks on Tony Blair for sending his children to private school, has opted to send her son to the most expensive private school in London, Westminster School for Boys.

Diane who considers herself to be the ‘voice of the local community’ was unavailable for comment.

Now I am a product of a private school education and I advocate providing the best education for your children. However if you have fought against private schools, ridicule others for using private schools and advocated that your constituents use government funded schools, then out of principle you must follow suite.

A prime example of “do as I say, not as I do”.

Have I got News for you.

Renowned journalist John Humphreys is hosting the satirically comedy programme ‘Have I go news for you’ this week.

Whether contestants will be allowed to answer the questions still remains to be seen.

Dizaei reinstated

Suspended superintendent Ali Dizaei has been re-instated by the metropolitan police after the courts acquitted him after an investigation into corruption.

Mr Dizaei sparked a £4million investigation after claiming the wrong mileage on his car expenses, because he was trying to conceal the fact that he had attended a ‘Black Police Association’ meeting from his superiors who openly expressed their disapproval of his attendance.

Other aspects of the £4million police investigation involved establishing that Mr Dizaei, a muslim, ate meat, and that he wore a Calvin Klein belt, and cowboy boots with his uniform, rather than standard issue.