Horrorscope

Can the stars predict our future? Find out when you read this Horrifying Horrorscope. 😈

Aries: ♈

You’ll find yourself driving late at night along a winding road. A pick-up truck will pull up behind you and you’ll take no notice. Until he begins to honk his horn impatiently. You pull over to let the asshole go by, but he will not. He’ll stop behind you, and an impossibly tall man will get out with a baseball bat. He’ll hit your car with the bat and you’ll leave in a hurry. At first, you’ll think you got away, but he’ll find you in his truck. He’ll ram your car with his several times until you lose control and drive off a cliff.

Taurus: ♉

After many years of having a recurring nightmare about a flaming bull. You’ll become convinced that this bull is an agent of your death. Ever careful you avoid anything to do with bulls. Or fire. The bull will not come. Your psychiatrist will convince you to go on a vacation to forget your nightmare. You will choose to visit Pompeii. The volcano will erupt and while you try to escape the choking ash; a cider will land on a bull setting it ablaze. In the creature’s distress, it will trample you.

Gemini:♊

Good news! You have a twin. The bad news, they are evil. They will kidnap you and take over your life. They will hold you in a basement and ask you questions about your life. Just as they become convinced they don’t need you anymore, you will escape. You don’t get far as your twin tracks you and stabs you to death.

Cancer: ♋

When your plane goes down over the ocean you’ll be the lone survivor. You’ll awaken on the beach of a deserted island. Not to worry you’ll find a crate of supplies including some waterproof matches and flairs. After a few days, you’ll notice a growth on your side. In the next few days, the growth get’s bigger and bigger. You decided it’s time to remove this growth and try to cut it off. It moves. You stab at it multiple times until you stab yourself to death.

Leo: ♌

When the zombie apocalypse comes you’ll be well prepared for the challenge. No rookie mistakes for you. In time you become a master zombie slayer. One day you’ll take shelter in an abandoned building. Over time you will have gotten used to threats that announce themselves. You won’t notice the lion who has made the abandoned building his home as he sneaks up on you.

Virgo: ♍

No matter how fast you run the killer will be right behind you. He murdered your friends and now you are the last to be alive. As you run through the woods dodging trees and bushes you’ll trip over a branch. The killer will find you and will kill you for not being a virgin.

Capricorn: ♑

There is travel in your future when you go on an ocean expedition. In fact, you take a two man sub to the bottom of the Marianas trench. You and your partner take lots of photos and will be having a great time when you notice the tail of a fish or dolphin or some kind. In the distant black, you can barely make out the shape of a large mammal. Despres for a closer look you will turn your subs lights on the creature. This, unfortunately, will prompt it to charge. It will ram your small sub several times. Each time damaging the subs integrity. You frantically call the surfers begging to be brought up, but it will be too late. The creatures repeated ramming will cause a leak and your sub will implode.

Sagittarius: ♐

Despite your misgivings. You agree to go on hunting expedition, you and your team will be determined to find Bigfoot! Things go well for the first few days, but then your team becomes aware they are being followed. When one of your team is killed by a large arrow you will realize that you are being hunted. One by one your team will die. Till you are the only one left. You decide that you have to fight back you lure your stalker into a trap, but it will be a mistake. The superior hunter will recognize your trap and trap you instead.

Scorpio: ♏

A rift in time will open and soon you wander the barren wasteland of a nuclear apocalypse. A few days of wandering and suddenly the ground will give way. You land in a cave filled with scorpions. One wrong move you will get stung. Slowly carefully you make your way to a large rock. Once sitting on the rock you realize it’s not a rock. It’s a giant irradiated scorpion. It is awaked by your movements and to escape you will run into a nearby cave. Which will be the mouth of an even larger scorpion.

Libra: ♎

You will go on a hike in the mountains. Where you will lose your way. Somehow you will find your way to a large nest. In the nest will be the nest of a Griffin. The baby chicks are adorable. There will be a unhatched egg. A dud you will conclude. You will take the egg as proof of your finding. Mama Griffin will come back to see the theft. You will run and Griffin will give chance. You will trip and slide down a hill, winding up on top of a rock that is precariously balanced. On one side will be you one the other will be Mama Griffin. Neither can move without upsetting the balance. Then the griffin will remember she can fly. You fall to your doom, but the Griffin catches her egg.

Aquarius: ♒

You will be sleeping soundly in your bed when a bright light will wash over you. You will float your way up to an unidentified flying object. Once you come face to face with the aliens. They will inform you that you are special and they take you to their home planet.

Pisces: ♓

You will have a great day at the beach. Hours later, you will realize you forgot your wallet. When you get back it will be dark. You will comb the beach with your flashlight till you spot it, thankfully. You won’t think twice about picking up your wallet. You’ll know something will be up when you notice the wallet is covered in some kind of sticky substance. Oily Black hooks seem to be implanted into your skin. The wallet itself will be attached to some kind of tendril. It will pull you into the water the last thing you see will be round glowing eyes and sharp teeth.

Ophiuchus: ⛎

What can be better than a relaxing trip? So you and your closest friends hop on a plain. All will be well you will have food and entertainment. Until some crazed psycho decides he doesn’t want “your kind” on the plane. As he murders your friends and family you will hide out in the cargo hold of the plane. Until he finds you and chokes you out with his bare hands.