Don’t you just love the way we’re all told what we can and can’t do by the Churches? It seems nothing we like doing is acceptable unless God has said it’s okay.

Shame those same Churches can’t keep their own people in check. We’re seriously smack bang in the middle of a ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ situation here.

Honestly, how can the Queen be the boss of the Church of England, yet not able to become a Bishop because she’s a woman? She’s in charge and STILL can’t do what she likes. I mean…how does that work?

What would happen if she got up one day and thought, ‘I want to be a bishop’? So she applies to herself for a job. Trouble is she gets a letter back saying, ‘Thanks for my application for a job as a bishop with my Church, but I can’t give me a job, because I’m a woman’.

The amount of discrimination that pours out of the Churches is just unbelievable! Nowhere else in this society would anyone be able get away with what they do.

Talking of discrimination…here’s a funny thing.

If you don’t like the look of your local school you can send your child to one in another area. However, some Church of England schools will happily accept a child living outside their catchment area, but refuse them free bus travel UNLESS THEY’VE BEEN CHRISTENED!

Is that for real? Blatant discrimination against non-Christian children? Really!?

More bizarrely, you can actually have your child Christened JUST so they can obtain free travel. Great way of conning people into the Church, but I still wouldn’t do it.

It’s okay, though…because I’m thinking of setting up a local bus service that only Atheists can get on. I don’t see any problems arising from that…do you?

You do? Oh yes…because Atheists are the lowest of the low and are allowed to be treated like they have no status. It seems just believing in a God gives you the right to openly discriminate racially, sexually and religiously. Plus you’re very unlikely to get arrested or imprisoned for it.

Seriously, Church officials can even go on TV and present even the most shocking levels of discrimination to the whole world and STILL not expect to be treated with anywhere near the contempt you or I would if we’d pinched an Asian woman’s bum at the bus top.

So what CAN we do that is acceptable in the eyes of God? How does he REALLY want us to live? I’m not talking about what the preachers and priests are chastising us for. I’m talking about God and, for the sake of this article, I’m going to assume he does exist.

Okay, let’s dive straight in. We’re not allowed to commit incest, but Cain and Abel married their sisters. I’m not saying I agree with incest, but God did start the ball rolling here. So, if you do happen to fancy your sister…get in there…it’s fine.

Actually it’s not fine, so don’t do it just because God said his grandchildren could. Hang on…isn’t Jesus his son? So he must have been Adam’s brother and Cain’s and Abel’s uncle. Mind you, they would have been well dead by the time Jesus was born and, come to think of it, we’re all God’s children, so Jesus is actually my brother too. No…I can’t think about that anymore. It’s hurting.

All I can say is…Joseph, the hard-working carpenter, was a legend for putting up with it all. Jezza would have had a field day.

Advanced medical intervention? Cloning? IVF? Dear me, that’s just going against everything that’s holy, isn’t it? Hold on…didn’t God produce Adam out of nowhere, then make Eve out of one of his ribs? Wow, that must have hurt. Where did he grow her? Apparently, Adam went to bed one night and, by morning, he’d been anaesthetized, painlessly cut open, he’d lost one of his ribs and the wound had been seamlessly repaired. Come to think of it…they were blind, but then they ate an apple and could see. That’s some seriously potent medicine right there!

One more thought…I have loads, but this must end today. If you’re not married in the eyes of God, you are not worthy of his love and are well on your way to Hell. That’s a bit harsh. There are a lot of married couples who habitually abuse each other, some to the point of injury and even death, but it doesn’t matter. They can confess, repent and try harder next time. Surely they must also deserve an encouraging sticker as a reward that says, ‘I’ve been very good today and not kicked or punched my wife/husband for three minutes’.

Being a Christian does NOT automatically make you a good person, but, as far as God is concerned, as long as you’re married you’re promised a place in Heaven.

So what about all the nice couples…be they gay (remember priests are going mad for it lately), straight, bisexual or whatever? They might love each other, treat each other with respect and be all-round great people, but if they’re not married in the eyes of God, they’re not welcome in Heaven? Don’t be silly. God wasn’t married to the Virgin Mary, so chill out and feel the love.

I know I said one more thought, but I have to give Noah a mention here. No, I’m not going to mention how large his boat must have been to accommodate two of every single species on the planet. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that and I won’t. Nor am I going to mention that he must have had some mad carpentry skills going on there to be able to build that thing. Oh…another carpenter.

Anyway…no, I’m just concerned about that flood. You know…the one we love to tell stories about? The one we glamourize to make it sound so spectacular when we talk about it to our children. Do we mention the mass-scale massacre of every other living creature that died in that flood? Of course we don’t! No…we miss out the bits about countless men, women and children being drowned in that amazing flood, not to mention the poor defenceless animals.

It was God’s decision to send that flood. He decided the world was not to his liking and chose one man and his family to carry on and repopulate the world…almost like a reset of the whole of humanity. Noah had three sons, already with wives…convenient. Nevertheless, inevitable incest…again. Apparently, incest wasn’t deemed morally wrong until Moses came along…convenient.

I’m not being funny, but looking around me now…at the world, I’m seriously wondering whether God’s up there now…chilling with a can of Red Bull and a packet of nachos…staring at his own far superior equivalent to the Xbox, Wii or PS3. I’m wondering whether he’s looking down on us all…at the state of the world…at the result of all his efforts…and thinking, ‘Nah’.

Think about it. If God really existed, I don’t think he’d care what we do to save ourselves or our loved ones from death. I don’t think he’d care whether we’re married or not or whether we’re gay, straight or whatever else he created us to be. He did create us, right? I think he’d just want us to stop trashing the planet he gave us. He created that too, right?

Just remember, anything can happen after a few Red Bulls and a mad rush of carbs (in our house anyway)…and his thumb could be, right at this very second, hovering over the same ‘reset’ button he pressed all those years ago. Time to book that carpentry course I’ve been putting off for the last ten years and get the kids used to the idea of rampant incest until the world is adequately repopulated with their offspring.

Of course I don’t mean that. I hate carpentry.

So there it is. I’m not bothered about what the Churches are up to and how their disciples are behaving. I just want them to stop pointing their fingers at the rest of us! We’re happy living our lives according to ourselves and what we think is right and wrong. Quite a novel idea, don’t you think?

Hypocrisy is a huge problem where the Church of England is concerned and those exercising this hypocrisy are seriously rocking the foundations of a faith that others really do need and find personally comforting. These hypocrites use their so-called ‘relationship’ with God as just an excuse to spout their bigoted disgust at the rest of the human race.

So much good work is done by good people who really DO value their faith. So…all you bigoted hypocites…keep it to yourselves…you buggers.

Anyway, we need incest, adultery and drug abuse. Without all that Jezza would be surplus to requirement and there would be nothing to rush home for after dropping the kids off at school.