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> If the Oracle (with the "oral"-like prefix) says all, is there...>> ... an Opticle that sees all?> ... an Audicle that hears all?> ... an Olfactoracle that smells all?> ... a Tacticle that feels all?

> Back in the good old days, before even Fortran was invented, Oracular> answers tended to be very ambiguous and difficult to interpret. The> Delphic Oracle had a large staff of priests just to interpret its> answers.>> Your answers, however, are very clear and explicit. Why are you> different from all other Oracles?

} Seven is the number, then: seven starlings,} Seven ghosts adrift in the moonlight waters,} Seven trees with sleep in their branches,} Seven tongs as swift as fire,} Seven lines of seven stones,} Seven VAXen.} Swift and sure they are, but noontime fire shall not hasten them.} Cold and cruel they are, but water-of-ice shall not warm them.} Solid as a rock they are, but the ground shall not support them.} They dance in the sky at dawntime.} Seven again: seven loaves they take for food,} Seven times the Squid of Death passes them at night,} Seven feet above the earth,} Seven fathoms below the sea,} Seven lemurs.} When the ghosts of wind come swirling around us,} Ghosts of wind past} Ghosts of wind present} Ghosts of wind future} Ghosts of wind which never will be} What can we do but answer them?

} OK, here it is. I don't understand why I.U. keeps singing about the} ocean though. It's kind of far away from the ocean.}} Indiana University! Queen of the Waves!} I-U! It's OK!} Indiana University! Ruler of all she surveys!} I-U! It's Allright!} Indiana University! Mistress of the Vasty Blue!} I-U! It's OK!} Indiana University! Dutchess of the Seven Seas!} I-U! It's Nifty!} Indiana University! Lord High Chamberlady of the Wide Oceans!} I-U! It's Mega-OK!} Indiana University! Executive Vice President In Charge of Marketing} for the Waterways!} I-U! It's Cosmically Find and Dandy!} Indiana University! Highly Connected New York Lawyer for the Sargasso} Sea!} I-U! Like, Wow!}}} Oh, we fight fight fight} for ol' IU tonight,} Oh, let's keep that flame alight} And let's give them no respite,} Let's keep them all uptight!} It's OK 'cause we're allright!} Let's kick them to such a height} that they fly right out of sight!} They'll go higher than a kite!} None shall save them from their plight!} We'll whump them when it's light!} We'll whump them when it's night!} Let's make our plays so recondite} they'll look like a hellgrammite!} Oh, let's kick and bash and bite,} And thump and whack and smite,} and trash with all our might} for our mascot Troglodyte!} We don't do it out of spite,} We just do it 'cause we're tight!}} Indiana University! Queen of the Ocean! Yay!!!!!!!!

} Well, this problem has never occured before, the results would be} terrible, famine would break loose on all the lands, Dan Quayle would} become president, and worst of all you would be inflicted with a} terrible

> Dear Oracle:> What's going on between Tom Bombadil and Goldberry? The guy seems...er,> you know... How about her? Can you clarify that chapter, please? Oh,> and Frodo? She was to...enthusiastic about this little fellow.

} The trouble with the prudish Englishman Tolkien is that he left out the} *really* interesting parts of his tales. In many cases you can read} between the lines, but in other cases you'll have to turn to the} All-knowing Oracle to get the details. OK, here we go:}} Tom Bombadil and Goldberry had had a very long and happy relationship,} mainly because of they both realizing that her sexual needs couldn't be} satisfied by old Tom, who, though still strong, was entering his dotage.} As is (actually) obvious from the book, Tom was more interested in} watching young hobbits run around naked in the grass, anyway, so he} didn't mind Goldberry'slittle adventures with various dwarves,} woodcutters and vagrant wizards, as long as they were kept on a purely} physical level.}} Tolkien does mention that Frodo fell in love with Goldberry's beuaty.} What he doesn't mention is how much of the attraction resulted from the} sight of her naked body under her semi-transparent dress (the use of} underwear hadn't spread to those remote areas yet), and that Goldberry} returned Frodo's compliments by repeated visits to his bedroom that} night. The real reason for Frodo's staying two nights at Tom's house is} of course readily apparent, given that background.}} Tolkien's books give many subjects to speculate about, such as "How did} Saruman really breed his half-orc warriors?" and "What did *really*} happen between Bilbo and Gollum when Bilbo got the Ring?". Tolkien} writes about guessing riddles, but, as you know, he's not entirely to be} trusted.}} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why the Wizard of Oz was so nice to} little girls.

} The Oracle travels far and wide, both through space and time, and has} often visited Hell. It is situated in the centre of a great, smokey} plain, surrounded by forbidding mountains. During the Oracle's travels,} the Oracle is often asked to answer questions of the various inhabitants} in these far-off regions. The Oracle expects payment, of course, and} the inhabitants usually compensate the Oracle with sumptuous} accomodations and overindulgent hospitality. As you might expect, the} Oracle has grown to prefer the rewards of some areas over those of} others, and Hell is one of those favored areas, thanks to the excellent} chili platters served in their finest restaurants. However, as part of} the tortures administered to many of the Hell residents, large computer} software development efforts are under way at the moment, and at the} Oracle's last visit many questions were fielded about programming laser} equipped satellites in COBOL, apparently the only computer language ever} used in Hell. This upset the Oracle's digestion greatly, ruining} several day's feasting on chili platters, and so the Oracle does not} expect to visit Hell again anytime soon.}} You owe the Oracle a pitchfork and a copy of Dante's "Inferno" published} on punched cards (Hollerith coding).