The Board of Directors appreciates your interest in working at The Harold Bugler and welcomes your applications, but doesn’t read or reply to any of them.

The Board of Directors appreciates your interest in working at The Harold Bugler and welcomes your applications, but doesn’t read or reply to any of them. Instead, please contact the low-level employee who will give you enough consideration to prevent his dismissal and the resulting discontinuity in his marijuana consumption.

All those seeking employment at The Harold Bugler should read this turgid, defensive, and vaguely contemptuous message from the self-aggrandizing middle manager who will be deciding on your future.

PLEASE READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY. It is assumed by this point that you cannot be trusted to read lower-case, perhaps because you are the kind of stalker idiot who makes everyone in a position of power afraid to talk to the public.

If not, then you must also make sure you meet these other qualifications before applying:

– at least four years of experience in arbitrary minimums
– total and complete mastery of Microsoft Word, including bulleting and page breaks
– a dynamic, positive, team-player attitude towards federal investigation
– ability to work in a demanding, high-pressure environment if you are an attractive young woman

Make sure you have thoroughly researched The Bugler before deciding whether we are right for you. Ostensibly, this may seem to have your best interest at heart, but it’s more a matter of laziness and sabre-rattling from very insecure people.

Please allow six to eight weeks for us to lose your resume. Follow-ups will be counseled by your friends and family, but will be a source of great annoyance to us and will not advance your case.

Good luck, and thank you for your interest in getting an indifferent rejection from The Harold Bugler.