Dear E. Jean: I'm attractive, fit, sexy, funny, smart, and crazy about my husband of 20 years. He adores me. The problem: Five years ago we met a couple, there was mutual attraction all around, and we started swapping. Now every month our couple-friends (by the way, she is one of my best friends) call and ask if we want to "come out and play." I've come to the point in my life where this is no longer working for me. I only did it in the first place to make my husband happy and to spice up our sex life (not that it needed it—the two of us really tear up the sheets!).

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

I realize how much he enjoys these encoun­ters and he always asks me first. He knows my reticence. (If I say no, he walks around with these puppy dog eyes and makes me feel guilty, so I usually let him go out while I stay home.) What do I do? All I want or need is him. He has no romantic feelings for this woman and it's come to the point where her husband is the voyeur, and my husband and my friend are the only two players in this twisted game. —Hurt, but Won't Show It

Hurt, My Heated Darling: This is bull hockey! You're in pain. Use it! Show it! It will fill you with courage. Take your friend out to lunch, order up two snifters, tell her you've had enough, and ask her to stop inviting your dolt of a spouse, for gawd sakes. Next, inform your husband he's in for a climate change. Say, "I love you. You're a free man. I understand it's impossible to limit another human's erotic life. That said, I want you to practice a little control and stop the rendezvous. You biffing my best friend makes me miserable."

He'll mope. He'll bleat. He'll say you're causing him to live a life of unruffled monotony. He'll claim that it's good for you if he goes out. Don't fall for it. Hold your ground. Knock him in the head with a rubber mallet like Nancy Pelosi if you have to. Be prepared for his lining up new couples on the internet. Brace yourself to take a stand. You may have to fight him on the beaches, fight him at the breakfast table, fight him in the streets, and fight him in front of the computer. Use your wits, use your wiles, and never surrender.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
ELLE participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.