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Jiffy’s opening: (with gusto and exuberance just so we know he’s not a geezer yet):

This is Nicaragua. Remote….mysterious….dangerous….straddled between the raging hormones of La Flor (wait, La Flor? The Flower? I snicker at your feminine name La Flor. I digress.) and the vitamin supplements of Espada. (Espada = sword, yes I looked it up. On with Jiffy’s over the hill top introductions…..

Ancient octogenarians battle for survival against some of the youngest and most active blowhards to ever vie for camera time.

Various shots of survivors tramping through the wild and I still don’t understand why these people are wearing flip-flops and neck ties. It’s S u r v i v o r people. Never leave base camp without a weeks worth of clothes. Double up the undies and lose the dress shirts. Half the guys are getting blurs over their jewels in this episode. Production note: issue the guys cups or fig leaves.

Jeff Spicoli, otherwise known as Jud, has been renamed Fabio because he can’t believe it’s not butter like so real out here, you know monkeys under every bush and absolutely no fences, cages, concession stands or rides. Dude. Jiffy loves little Fabio. <3

We have a real live Coach this season but apparently you can’t say “coach” on Survivor any longer because “Coach” Wade slapped copyrights on that word and demands royalties for inventing it. So Jimmy J. will be known as the “A$$istant to the winner of Survivor Nicaragua” from now on.

Brief Encounters:

We get quick reports on the Mafia Don from the guy from Deadliest Catch, Maine who ain’t gonna be bossed around out here in Nicaragua or I'm not the Gorton's Fisherman. And Alina says the grey haired guy (Marty the guy who saved a guy on a mountain in a blizzard and is probably rich and annoying Alina sooooo much already) is going to be her shield while she runs the show. Oooo kaaay.

Brenda is single. Single. Single. And is the one wearing flip flops. Enough said about this former Dolphin cheer bunny.

So with Jiffy left stuck on the top of a rock in the middle of the ocean or gulf we get on to the theme music. Sing it with me everybody. OOOWWWOOOOOO. Heyyyaaa oaty oatty ladygaga aaatty bobofety jeffisgod-y rooty tooty yada yada and repeat. Well wasn’t that indulgent of me.

OK, quick and dirty from here on out unless something strikes me as annoying. What are the chances of that?

The Diamond Power of Veto Medallion of Power

BWAHAHAHA. OMG. Really?! No further comment other then it’s on a chain and heavy enough to drown someone wearing it.

On with the show:

Fake out time. Our eager monkeys were outted as to the universe as either brats or geezers. Yet the brats get named La Flor snicker. The over 40’s are called Espada for no discernible reason other then Erik quit the ice cream business and is working for production in the Make up the Name Dept.

Off they go to find the Medallion of Power and Brenda the Spirit Bunny who is single, single, single finds it up a tree. They find out their “real” tribes. Espada the geezers are in baby blue boofs and La Flor giggle the brats receive their ever so fashionable yet feminine yellow boofs.

Tribe La Flor decides to give up the Medallion of Power to Espada and keep the fishing gear and videos of The OC (seasons 1 & 2).

We're whisked off to the Espada camp where Jane the dog whisperer takes about 30 seconds to start killing ants to get a fire going. We get a confessional from Wendy who I'm calling Windy from here on out about how her husband, Nostradamus predicts she’ll be booted first because she’s a big block motor mouth. I sincerely hope her DH isn't playing PTTE this season, looks like he'd be dangerous. He better try the lottery that’s his only hope of a million bucks this season.

Give a shout out if you didn’t know Windy was the first boot by now. crickets yeah.

Over at La Flor we get another confessional from Jud/Fabio/Spicoli about how a w e s o m e this is going to be on the island with “his people”. Then he impales his foot on a thorn, is called a dumb blond, and takes on a micro-crab. "The crab started it anyway," claims Fabio, so Jud/Fabio/Spicoli rips the arm off the little crustacean in self defense yet the tenacious crab claw is embedded in his tender flesh and Jud gets his 15 minutes in early. Everyone thinks he’s an idiot and I’m not going to argue with that.

More at La Flor:

Shannon and Chase go out for a stroll to break in the blur machine claiming alpha male status for themselves and an F2 deal already. Kelly B. worries that the rest of Tribe Flower might notice that she will only have to shave one leg making others very uncomfortable and unsure of how they would look voting her off at TC. It’s going to garner a lot more sympathy then Jimmy “JJ” Johnson’s I'm a rich old fart pity party, I bet ol’ JJ has got one foot in Losers Lodge already.

Disclaimer: I swear by the Holy Medallion of Burnett that I’m completely unspoiled and pure. (Who.Is.Laughing?) I haven’t peeked at spoiler info at all so I can make the claim however wrong or right that JJ is toast.

Anyway Kelly exposes herself her specially built Nicaraguan titanium leg to La Flor and Jud, get this, asks her how she tells it to move. <crickets> priceless.

Kelly B and A-liar, Alina, sorry for the typo, get some water and find a clue to the HII. They're thrilled to see that it has pictures for them to follow. Easy peasy for the Flower girls. Unfortunately after a couple of hours and much bra checking they tell us at home that it’s haaaaarrrd to figure out clues. Golly. They decide to stuff the clue in a tree. One of about 1000 trees within 100 feet, anyone think they’ll never see that clue again?

Side bar: Does this episode look like a Victoria Secret commercial to anyone else? Nevermind.

Enough of camp life, on to the Immunity Challenge (toot-toot)

La Flor’s fully choreographed entrance.

La Floooooooor (toot-toot)

I thought Shannon and Chase looked like they’d rather be tied to a termite mound covered in sawdust, but that’s just me. Fabio is just one of the girls.

The Espada's had a good laugh at the Chorus Line then Jiffy told the Tribes about the challenge and the....secret of the mighty Medallion of Power..ower... ower

All they have to do is hold up several sections of water trough together to get water from point A to the Bucket. Bucket fills dropping puzzle pieces down. Put puzzle together first and stay out of Tribal Council.

I don’t think holding up a piece of water trough counts as endurance does it? Sadly, the reason that Espada lost is because Holly forgot her reading glasses and poured most of the water on Tyrone and Don Dan.

No Reward Challenge in this episode but we got enough reward just being able to watch. yay

On to Tribal Council where we hear the usual stuff and nonsense. Windy the powerful was amazing the way she could change the minds of everyone just by talking and talking and talking. I think even Jiffy voted her out.

Now go sign up for some Survivor games: kircon's got the PTTE going and even a PM only version PTTE for the unspoiled like moi. On the other hand I could actually win the unspoiled PTTE if no one else enters. Just sayin'wink

ARW is doing The Home Survivor game that is really good with his clever posting skills and all. It's also geared for spoiled or unspoiled you have the same chances. So if you haven't already joined up, give me another weeks head start on points. Just kidding, maybe.

Tribe is doing a Survivor Team Office Pool Phantasy sort of a mutant blend of Tribe Phantasy and the Office Pool. It also doesn't matter if you've spoiled yourself.

Way to come out swinging! Loved the The Diamond Power of Veto Medallion of Power reference and the L'Freak dance review.

Along with plugging the other fine games I should point out that BTS Be The Survivor is starting up and unlike some other seasons, there are still a lot of cartoon characters interesting players available. Select one and you can speak for them, explain your actions and ridicule them and others to your heart's content. (You can even dress like them at home, but that's between you and your therapist.)

Finally. . . why do some contestants wear ties and flip flops? Because as EPMB I tell them to dress up for a photo shoot and then dump them into helicopters and scoot them over to the island.

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