Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Me I Wish To Be.

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, and I can see the progress...the continuing transformation. I see my features shifting, I see the hint of muscle definition, I see the pounds gone...

People have been telling me how much they see it too.

But, on other days, I don't. Sometimes I look at myself and only see the round cheeks and the double chin. I see the plump arms and the flabby stomach. When I go shopping on these days, I immediately head for the largest sizes, because surely those are the only ones that will fit, and then they don't, and I get frustrated...because in the mirror stands the girl who once wore those clothes is too small for them...but I don't see it with my eyes.

Sometimes, I go to the gym. I feel like one of the crowd. Nobody notices me running on the treadmill, or down the road. Today, for instance, I completed 2 miles nonstop outdoors (a minor milestone). A young man passed by me on my left as I was running along at my slow and steady speed. He smiled at me and said hello, then jogged on. For a moment, we were one and the same, he and I. Two runners, one goal.

Then there are days when I feel like I'm being judged...that people see me and wonder what I am doing there, running along, that overweight girl...

I know they don't really judge me...rather, I judge myself. Sometimes the journey seems so long and the milestones so few and far between.

I wonder if I'll ever truly see the me I wish to be...will my perception ever catch up with reality? Will I ever look at my reflection,, in my over sized clothes and really see a smaller, healthier me? Or will I always see the me I used to be?

This weight loss journey has made me ponder...made me see clearly...and made me try to understand more about myself than I ever thought possible.

I know I will see the me I wish to be...she's there.

We've come so far, the old me and the new...and yet, we've only just begun.