‘American Horror Story: Coven’ recap – “Bitchcraft”

Grab your blackest clothes and your youth rejuvenation serum, because if the season premiere of American Horror Story: Coven showed us one thing, it’s that this season is going to be a wild ride. In the first episode alone creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk gave us a taste of slave torture, gang rape and a Carrie- esque mass murder.

In my opinion, the major problem with American Horror Story: Asylum was that Ryan Murphy went allllll kinds of Ryan Murphy on it. He got so excited after season one that he threw as much into Asylum as he possibly could: aliens, mass murderers, evil scientists, the devil. It was all too much to wrap your head around. Last night’s episode, “Bitchcraft”, seemed to draw it in without losing the freaky, creepy, campy AHS-ness of it all.

But, let’s start from the beginning shall we, my pretties? We start out in the French Quarter of New Orleans in 1834 with society woman Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates), degrading her notably more beautiful daughters and coating her face in human blood — from the pancreas, if you were curious — to tighten it up. One of my highschool teachers had some interesting beauty tips, including cutting your eyelashes off and squeezing lemons in your eyes, but human blood was never mentioned.

While attempting to age backwards, Madame LaLaurie finds out that her youngest daughter was getting it on with one of the family’s slaves. We then get our first view into the her super secret, slave torture chamber where the insane woman of the house keeps, in her own vulgar words, her pets. The slave gets the Theon Greyjoy- treatment with an added accessory: a bullhead to make him LaLaurie’s personal Minotaur. #twisted

Back in 2013, we’re introduced to Zoe (Taissa Farmiga), a teenage girl with a particularly troublesome “genetic affliction”: any dude who has sex with her bleeds out — brain aneurysm style — immediately, which is clearly no fun for anyone involved. In a not-so-surprising-for-anyone-who-has-seen-the-previews turn of events, Zoe aka Violet aka Baby Farmiga finds out that she is a witch, a genetic anomaly that sometimes skips generations and, according to Baby Farmiga, is comparable to bulimia.

After being shipped off to New Orleans to attend the very un-Hogwarts-like Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, Zoe is introduced to the remainder of the student body, but not before we get our fair share of the ever so popular horror movie motif– lurking creepers behind the main character’s back. But alas, there are no ghosts, aliens or mental patients. Just a couple of young bitches witches. We meet Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), a spoiled, HollywooDiva witch with the power of telekinesis, clairvoyant Nan (Jamie Brewer, aka Addie from AHS: Murder House!) and human voo doo doll Queenie (Gabourey Sidibey). Sidenote: If Precious had the power of being a human voo doo doll, the story would have been a lot less depressing. End sidenote.

We also get our first look at the flawless Sarah Paulson, appropriately named Cornelia Fox, the cautious headmistress uber-focused on teaching the ways of the witches, while showing them how to hide among humans. Fox tells her students, “Our lives are always at risk so know this or face extinction.” No pressure. The nut clearly falls very far from the tree because….

Enter her equally flawless, but entirely opposite mother Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange), the Supreme Witch, as in the head bitch in charge. When we first see her, she’s busy convincing a strapping young scientist — who I initially assumed would take the role of the tall, dark and handsome male lead with the exits of Dylan McDermott and Zachary Quinto — to give her a youth and vitality serum. When he doesn’t cave in to her money or threats, the HWIC (head witch in charge) goes on a coke binge and turns to sexuality, and ultimately violence to get what she wants. She kisses the life out of the Doc, full on Dementor style, for momentary rejuvenation.

In the NOLA, Hollywood hottie Madison invites Zoe to a frat party at a local college. The girl with the deadly cooch quickly falls in love through an ice luge and we get our first view of Evan Peters (swoooon), playing the good guy frat bro. However, it’s not hard to be the nice guy when your fellow brothers roofie and date rape a young girl — Madison Montgomery. It’s super disturbing, but clearly the fraternity guys didn’t realize they were messing with a witch, who goes full on Carrie and flips the bus. “Your move, Chloe Moretz.”

Fiona heads back to the Big Easy after reports of a young witch being burned at the stake only miles from the school her daughter is in charge of. To tie both stories back together, Mama HWIC takes the young witches to Madame LaLaurie’s old mansion, where Madison wonderfully delivers the line, “Ugh, my frickin’ vagina is sweating,” while we all think, “Could be worse…” as Zoe struts along.

Speaking of which, Baby Farmiga goes to the hospital to check and see if the Frat Bro of her Dreams is one of the two to survive the deadly crash. Very much to her disappointment and my disappointment and the disappointment of #TeamTateViolet fangirls everywhere, Kyle Spencer (Peters) didn’t make it out alive, and the vile dude leading the attack on Madison did. But, not for long. Baby Farmiga straddles him and puts her special power to good use. Rest in hell, brother.

At the LaLaurie mansion we get a flashback to the 1800s and find out how the lady of the house died: By an ironically named love poison at the hands of Marie Lavaeu (Angela Basset), the mighty high priestess of Voodoo magic who has serious beef with anyone that messes with her people.

We end back in the 21st century where clairvoyant Addie Nan leads Fiona back through the Quarter to the mansion and points to the grave of Madame LaLaurie, who, of course, is dug up & by some Voodoo magic, still very alive. What’s the first thing that Queen Fiona does? Offers her a drink, of course.

“Bitchcraft” was all kind of weird. A violent, sexual, creepy, weird dream. That is, if you dreams are nightmares in the French Quarter. And I can’t get enough of the camptastic joy. Of course, we’ll get more Evan Peters and Lily Rabe, two series regulars who were both killed off within the first hour of the season. How, has yet to be determined. (Who wants Peters to come back like Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch? No one? No? Yeah, okay, me either.)

Odds & ends:-Clearly eternal youth will be a resounding theme throughout the season. Anything that gives me as much Jessica Lange as possible is good in my book. Insert Kris Jenner joke here.
-Multiple shoutouts to Twitter and Facebook in this episode. What, Mr. Murphy, would you like us to live tweet the show?!
-Emma Robert’s deliveries were on point: “Go to hell you stupid hag.” “Do you have any clothes that don’t come from the Gap?” “I get it bitch. You’re clairvoyant.”-Random, but how many cigarettes do you think they’ve gone through on the last three seasons of American Horror Story? I wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t hardcore binge watch the last two seasons within the past few days, but hello lung cancer.
-FYI: Kathy Bates’ character, Delphine LaLaurie, was a real person. A real awful, disgusting human being.
-I have already called Nan “Addie” and Emma Roberts “Emma Watson”, so here’s your early warning.

What’d you think and how does it compare to the first and second installments? After only one episode, I’m pretty invested and very stoked to have a season heavy with awesome female leads. Is it next Wednesday yet?