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"I don't understand why technical writers get paid less than engineers." "If you were capable of understanding that sort of thing, you'd be an engineer." "This took an ugly turn." "And your dress looks like a tube sock with aspirations."

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The boss: "Our CEO's son is joining the department as an intern." "I want you to be his mentor." "And by mentor, I mean don't let the little spy learn anything about us." "If he finds out what we do, he'll tell his dad we're doing it wrong." "Here's a list of compliments you can give him." "Tell him his assignment is to go someplace and study cool motorcycles." "If he asks more than three questions, kill him."
Intern: "Where's my desk?"
Dilbert: "That's one."

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The Boss: "I hired all of you because the project will take 300 man days to complete." "There are 300 of you, so I want you to finish by five o'clock and clean out your desks. You're all fired." "If it takes more than one meeting to manage a project, I lose interest."

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"And Wally, did you finish your project tasks for today?"
Wally: "No. I took a calculated risk that other people would not finish their tasks either, making my lateness totally irrelevant." "Um..." "That is the worst..." "I need another week."

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Topper
Dilbert: I didn't get much sleep last night.
Ted: That's nothing. I haven't slept in a month.
Dilbert: Wouldn't that kill you?
Ted: It did, but that's nothing.
I spent a week in the afterlife, then I returned to this world as a zombie. I taught myself homeopathy and discovered a cure for zombies. Now I'm alive again. Please be done...Please be done...Please be done... I took pictures of heaven.
Alice: Gaaa!!!"

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Finance troll: Your travel expenses are rejected because all of your meal costs are round numbers. Either you are a liar or worse.
Dilbert: I decide what to order based on what totals to a round number after a 15% tip.
Finance: That's worse.

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Bob The esquire dinosaur
Bob: I slapped your ex boss with his own suit until he agreed to rehire you.
Bob: It only took ten minutes to make him agree, and another hour to make him convince ne that he liked it.
Bob: How much do I owe you for all the fun?
Wally: This one is pro bono.

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Catbert, the evil director of human resources, posts a job opening.
Requirements: Candidate must have an I.Q. of 300, two centuries of unix experience and a track record of winning nobel prizes. "90% of my job is convincing people they don't deserve theirs."

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Dilbert: Where can I put this important document so it won't get lost in your desk clutter?
Carol: I'll flatten my hair so you can leave it on top of my head. Are you happy?
Dilbert: I didn't know happy was an option."