The largest military force in the world is in shambles after trying and failing to make an 18 year war with “that ignorant slut Afghanistan” work. Clearly shaken, the US military finally came to grips with reality after longtime friend, The Washington Post, offered 2,000 heartfelt pages and 600 interviews proving what deep down the US military already knew: that useless whore Afghanistan would never truly be theirs.

In total, the leader of the free world says it’s “lost over 2,300 American lives, killed off 150,000 civilians, and spent over $934 billion on that dumb bitch Afghanistan.”

As of press time, the US military was already six drinks deep and loading up heat-seeking missiles in search of a rebound country.

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After being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, conservatives everywhere are calling Greta Thunberg’s success the first known case of white privilege. The 16-year old Sweed with Asperger’s has been a leading voice in climate change activism. “This is the first instance of white privilege and Miss Thunberg is patient zero,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “This rich, straight, white teenager is sailing the world, skipping school, and still somehow complaining about everything and anything. She must be stopped.” Conservatives say their main concern is figuring out how Thunberg’s actions are benefiting her. “It’s alarming that anyone’s skin color or wealth could give them an advantage,” McConnell stated. “But what’s more troubling is not knowing why she’s doing it. Does she own a wind farm?” Advertisements