Saturday, October 22, 2011

Cake & Unicorns, Revisited (and School!)

My apologies in advance if this post takes a turn toward depression and cynicism.

Cake & Unicorns, Revisited.

In a previous post, I explained that relationships have a learning curve and thatthey are not all cake and unicorns. I suppose I feel this way because, to date, Ihave not had a cake and unicorns relationship. And I also feel that a fairly largepart of me would feel naive to gain so much satisfaction from a cake and unicornsrelationship because, to me, cake and unicorns equals superficiality.

And I have had no experience to tell me otherwise, to show me that there is a typeof cake and unicorns that does not equal superficiality, that is not shallow.

First, we were thirteen. That wasn't real.

Then, we were good friends, but his past blocked him from feeling anything real andI was too impatient to put up with his insecurities.

Then, it worked well, but just didn't go anywhere. We hit a mutual wall.

Then, we just liked to hang out and both understood and agreed there was nothinglong-term and never would be.

And, just now, I am still too temporally close to the experience to put it in wordsso sufficiently. Sufficiently. Suffice. Cool.

However, just now, I can say that I feel naive because I made myself believe it wascake and unicorns (sufficiently) when it definitely was not. He was good at playingto this.

After the first then, my best friend and I discussed how I did not want to createa criteria list for future relationships because a relationship cannot be reducedto a formula of criteria. However, I now know that it is necessary to have a generalidea of what is required and what is desired. Right? This is how we broke it down,right? Absolutes and preferences? Well, I now have an absolute, among others obviousto those who are privy to the situation. My absolute? LET ME HAVE MY FRIENDS.

So, cake and unicorns, where do we stand? Not sure.

But let me just say that my greatest fear is that I will remain too damaged for thefuture. Or that I will remain too damaged and will thus attract (and settle for) asimilarly damaged man. I also fear that I have been so instilled with a sense ofcynicism that I will forever feel that no future man will meet my expectations.

Exceed, exceed.

As for cake and unicorns? Maybe cake and unicorns don't have to be naive. Maybethere is the possibility of a relationship so real that it is cake and unicornswithout a naivete. And my hurt heart screams, "No, no, no! That's how you got tobe where you are now! Eliminate all naivete! Be cynical forever!"

And I say, I am rejecting both naivete and cynicism and saying that these thingsare unimportant to me right now and that all such things are out of my hands.

I am rejecting both naivete and cynicism in exchange for passivity.

(and School!)

Thanks to the above circumstances, my Senior year has just now started. Also, let mejust say that I am thankful for my small campus because it allows me to have toexplain to less people because most people already know.

Biological PsychologyBio Psych is probably one of the most difficult courses I've taken, simply becauseit is so unrelated to anything I've studied previously. And it's hard work. And itis the only course during my entire college career (this is technically my fifthyear, I just started during eleventh grade) in which I have gotten a non-A grade.I actually got a C, you guys! I am more amused than anything. But a C assignmentgrade does not mean I will not get an A course grade. Also, I've been recruited tobe a tutor for a classmate. Let's go.

CriminologyDue to a combination of professor, course material, and course format; this courseis cake for me. I was very surprised to learn of particular classmates who failedthe first test. There's not really much else to say about this course, because it'sthe same old, same old that I've learned before. I'm not complaining.

Memory and CognitionUm. Really, that's the extent of my thoughts in regards to this course. No offense,but it really is a joke. For the first test, I filled out the study guide using onlythe professor's PowerPoints and used none of my own notes. The only reason I needto go to class is for participation activities and the rare graded participationactivities. Joke, joke, joke. And even more of a joke because the test averages werebi-modal, meaning that most people got an A/B grade or a D/F grade. What.

Sociology of the FamilyAwesome possum course. Very similar to Birth and Death in regards to format, so Iam excelling because of that. The readings are interesting and the discussions arefulfilling. Apparently everyone is fascinated by the topic of cohabitation.

Counseling and Personal DevelopmentI love this course so much that I am not even bothered by the fact that it is aone-day, 2.5-hour night class. I love courses in this format, thanks to LBC andHACC. I love this course so much that I am not even bothered by the in-class role-playing. That's a big deal.

Jazz BandSo far, so good, but weird. First concert was a success and our director said,"We've done easy music and we've done it well. Now it is time to do more difficultmusic." Uh-oh.

Honors ProjectSo far, so good. I need to check on my project time line to see what I should bedoing now, since I am "officially" done with observation.

PianoProbably the most neglected part of my education right now. But after I am donehere, I am going to eat lunch and go practice for a long time. Thankfully my teacherunderstands my circumstances and allowed me to take care of legal issues during mylesson time this past Monday. Also, I just learned that he thinks I'm awesome, as in,one of the few students who works.

Library Work and TutoringLibrary work continues to be my favorite. It is the best way to get work done andsocialize and get paid, all at the same time. Tutoring has officially started thisweek and I tutored for one hour over the course of two sessions. I need to emailsomeone so I can fill out the paperwork to become a Bio Psych tutor.