Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 10-22-12

After I got back from our Colorado vacation, my e-mail box had hundreds of e-mails from family, friends and readers. Because I'm lazy this week, (what's new) I selected a few for their humor. Hope you enjoy them, too.

e_SBlt

A big city police detective, who'd spent his entire career in plain clothes doing investigative undercover work, retired from the police force and, in an effort to find peace and quiet, bought a fertile small acreage in the Kansas River Valley.

Before he left the city, the department held a big retirement party for him and the police chief asked the retiree, "I can't believe you're leaving city life for the farm. What kind of crops do you plan to grow?"

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"Because," answered the ex-detective, "My work here in the department has made me fully appreciate the value of undercover crops."

e_SBlt

I have no way of knowing if this is true, but either way, true or false, it's funny. The story is that the cemetery headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery in Logan, Utah, reads at the bottom.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is a good lover, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

I wonder if Russell died knowing he could have won a coolest headstone contest?

e_SBlt

I've got a good friend who sleeps with a loaded pistol under his pillow. Well, one of my e-mails contained a poem that is perfect for my friend. The four-line poem reads:

Now I lay me down to sleep.

Beside my bed a Colt I keep.

If I should awake and find you inside,

Schedule the coroner's van for your next ride!

e_SBlt

Here's a story that will stretch your belief system: Down in Oklahoma, Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Billy Bob is performing a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Golly, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," Billy Bob says in obvious embarrassment. "But the missus and me have been going to a marriage counselor and he told me things would be a lot better between the wife and me if I'd do 'something sexy to a tractor.'"

e_SBlt

Here's one even worse, but any "punophiles" amongst you will enjoy this story.

A farmer goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his pickup, knowing full well he doesn't have a necktie in it. But, he looks around for something that would substitute for a necktie and discovers his set of jumper cables on the floor board. In desperation he ties the jumper cables around his neck in a barely acceptable-looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

The farmer goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few seconds and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in — just don't start anything."

I warned you it wuz a groaner.

e_SBlt

And, finally, the words of wisdom for the week comes from a new rural minister performing the first funeral service of his holy career. At the end of his message, the minister looked down at the deceased in his casket and proclaimed:

"Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, departed friend knowing full well that here lies only the shell of his life on Earth — the nut has gone!"