Unstoppable? 5 Ways to Beat the Miami Heat

The Miami Heat look straight-up invincible. In the midst of a ridiculous 20-game win streak, the defending NBA champs seem to be unstoppable. Logic would suggest that someone will beat them at some point, though. But who will it be? And how the hell will they pull it off? It’s not going to be an easy task; the Heat are a balanced squad with all-star scorers up front and legitimate threats on the bench. They’re led by one of the best young coaches in the league and they’re absolutely brimming with confidence. Which is understandable, since railing off 20-straight will tend to do that to you. There’s got to be a way to topple them though, right?

5 T.P. their locker room

Sure it’s immature, dumb and uncalled for, but desperate times call for desperate and sometimes idiotic measures. Think about it—is anyone ever more frustrated and unhinged than when they walk out of their house the morning after Halloween, only to see it’s completely covered in toilet paper? They spend the next few hours cleaning it off and muttering about how they’re going to “get those punk kids.” So why not give the Heat a case of angry middle-aged man syndrome? It might motivate them, but it also might make them lose their cool just enough to throw them off their games and earn your team a cheap win.

4 Immerse yourselves in prayer

Some say that prayer should not just be the last resort of a desperate man, but if you’re playing the Heat at any time soon, man are you desperate. Even if you’re not religious, it seems like the thing to do at this point might just be to clasp your hands together, turn your eyes skyward and beg the big man upstairs for a little mercy. And if he’s feeling generous, maybe he’ll even help you knock in a few three pointers á la Marlon Wayans’ dead basketball-playing brother in The Sixth Man.

3 Hold the ball

We know what you’re thinking; the notion of holding the ball hasn’t worked since the integration of the shot clock in 1954. But at this point, it kind of seems like it might be worth a shot (or a non-shot, eh?). Any team that has even a marginal lead over the Heat should just hold on for dear life. Theoretically, it’s possible to set up a game plan in which your team works the clock down, then runs a play that gets them close enough to the rim to hit it, get their own rebound, reset, and do it all over again. Sure, the fans won’t love it, but the Heat can’t score if you just play ‘keep away.’

2 Invite Lil’ Wayne

Why would this bother the Heat at all, you ask? Well, Lil’ Wayne was recently removed from a Miami Heat game and has been showing increasing signs of losing his damn mind. He says he was tossed for rooting for the Lakers, though others might argue it had something to do with him insinuating to a confrontational Heat fan that he had a gun on him. Could’ve been either really. Anyway, why not invite the lovable little fella to the game and give him a bullhorn? He’s guaranteed to say some crazy nonsense that will, at the very least, distract the Heat a little, and at best, make them all fear for their lives.

1 Pull a “Celtic Pride”

Yes, this is a reference to the not-so-highly respected 1996 film starring Damon Wayans, Dan Aykroyd and Daniel Stern. In this cinematic masterpiece, Aykroyd and Stern play die-hard Celtic fans that kidnap Utah Jazz star Damon Wayans to ensure the Celtics a championship. It seems a little out there, but the most ridiculous aspect of this film is the idea that the Utah Jazz would ever sign an arrogant, showboat shooting guard like Wayans (they’re more of a Gordon Hayward type organization). However, if you want to beat the Heat, it might not be a bad idea to kidnap LeBron James. Sadly, that won’t guarantee anything. But hey, it’ll at least improve your odds a bit.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City.
His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.