Friday, 29 April 2011

To Sleep With Anger

The past couple of months have been spent working and the subject of family and what happens now has kind of kept me with my hands full. Recently me and my partner have been talking about this and I have been riddled with how to approach this subject, and it has boiled down to my actual upbringing and nuclear family. Ain't that some shit. I will be honest my family drive me fucking crazy, crazy like this, see below.

Truth is I love them as I kind of have to as they are my family, at least that is what we are told when young. You MUST love your family as they are the basis for all relationships in your future. So I have not really made a profound connection with my parents the way, say oh some normal sane able bodied person who just so happens not to be mentally unstable. Then there is me. Fiercely independent which I inherited from them, that I am very grateful for. Yet upon making a son loving gesture and all hell broke loose where me and my father went at it and gauntlets were thrown and I finally told my partner that I thought my dad was a ignorant jerk. Actually I said I hated him and it was the first time I didn't praise him which was a first. As my mom is in a state of uncertainty with her stroke and needing constant care, my brother and her are very close. closer than me and her ever are.

Certain issues stemming from my family tree have cause me to embrace certain behaviours that serve me no purpose. My brother is a man child and my dad is a grumpy fuck whom thinks he knows better and plays the "dad' card. So I need to let it go, purge it out and make peace with my anger at them. Failure is my biggest fear, and my family resent the fact that I live so far away. I chose to do so and it was not easy and didn't happen over night. But I have been told to meditate and find a away to figure this out. So I have been given a life task and will find a result that would be a better solution to this problem.Where that Swami guy when you need him to talk to me in bumper sticker?

Other wise I am going to turn inot these people and end up on youtube myself.