Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

More doctors are holding appointments with as many as twelve patients at the same time in order to treat more people. Although it can get a little awkward when it comes time for one of them to get a prostate exam.

More doctors are holding appointments with as many as twelve patients at the same time in order to treat more people. The worst part is when it comes time for everyone to guess which one has the terminal illness.

Jay Leno called NBC executives “snakes” in his monologue this week. Leno is now being sued for libel by all snakes.

Samsung has confirmed it is developing a smartwatch that would be similar to a smartphone and be worn on the wrist. Ironically, the smartphone clock is the reason no one has worn anything on their wrist since 2000.

California and Rhode Island are tied for the nation’s highest unemployment rate at 9.8%. The difference is that Rhode Island’s rate will drop to 7.5% when they just come up with another three jobs.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul says he will “find a place” for illegal immigrants. Apparently he means other than the parking lot at Home Depot.

Justin Bieber was reported to be kicked out of a Paris Hotel because of his bad behavior. How bad to you have to be acting before the French get annoyed with you?

A U.S. horse slaughter plant will soon open in New Mexico. It will reportedly open right across the street from a race track as an added incentive for the horses to run just a little faster.

A U.S. horse slaughter plant will soon open in New Mexico. The word got out as several Taco Bell restaurants opened right down the street from the plant’s location.

The odds of filling out a perfect NCAA bracket is reportedly 9.2 Quintillion to one. Which coincidentally are the same odds as Iona College actually taking the title.

The odds of filling out a perfect NCAA bracket is reportedly 9.2 Quintillion to one. Interestingly enough, 9.2 Quintillion is what the national debt is projected to be in just another two years.

A British company is selling a mattress for $175,000 as an “investment in good sleep.” However, anyone buying it will be staying up all night wondering why they spent $175,000 on a mattress.

A British company is selling a mattress for $175,000 as an “investment in good sleep.” A way to get a better night’s sleep would be to stuff $175,000 inside the mattress you already have.

A Russian analyst says the U.S. is gripped by “strategic insanity”. Political experts were shocked. The U.S. actually has a strategy?

A Russian analyst says the U.S. is gripped by “strategic insanity”. Although no one knows if he was talking about the military, the economy or just Congress in general.

The Senate gun bill will not include a ban on assault weapons. In an unrelated measure, a Senate bill on the economy will not include anything about money.

The Statue of Liberty will reopen on July 4th after being closed since Hurricane Sandy. If things go well, New Jersey is expected to reopen sometime in September.

The U.S. will revise their plan to put graphic pictures on warning labels for cigarettes. Instead of pictures of diseased lungs and the corpse of a smoker, they will get really scary with pictures of Mickey Rourke lighting up.

60% of adults who took a standardized high school test in Rhode Island failed. The other 40% couldn’t follow the directions to find the place where the test was being given.

60% of adults who took a standardized high school test in Rhode Island failed. Apparently the test was asking what there is to do in Rhode Island.

Mexico may drop out of the top ten in the world for tourism, a place they have held for years. Apparently statistics will no longer count the illegals running back and forth several times across the border.

Mexico may drop out of the top ten in the world for tourism, a place they have held for years. Apparently all the “tourists” can now get what they want legally in Colorado and Washington State.

A Florida man has been arrested for fraud after telling people he had access to Facebook stock before the IPO. The only way it would have been a bigger fraud is if he actually had some Facebook stock to sell.

A study ranks the U.S. third in the world for the number of sugary drink related deaths. Researchers reviewing the data had to stop and take a big gulp.

A poll says that only 13% of Americans feel very confident they will be able to retire comfortably. The other 87% are still hoping to find a job that they can start planning to retire from someday.

A survey says that March Madness wastes less time at work than daydreaming. Except when people are daydreaming about winning the March Madness bracket pool.

Researchers say that garbled text messages may be the sign of a stroke. Either that or being a teenager.

A study says that total knee or hip replacement improves the sex lives of 90% of the patients. Mostly because after that it is a lot harder for their partner to get away from them.

A study says that chewing gum doesn’t lead to weight loss. In fact, it may be the opposite. Apparently “double your fun” refers to what will happen to your waist size after chewing gum every day.

A study says that chewing gum doesn’t lead to weight loss. At least for people who don’t realize you are supposed to spit it out when you are done chewing it.

A study says that fewer kids are being injured in most sports. Mostly because the only sport most kids are playing anymore is video games.

A study says that more than 17,000 people in the U.S. went to the ER in the past decade with zipper injuries. Isn’t it time to phase out the zipper? With Americans constantly getting fatter it’s time we demanded our clothes be made with Velcro.

A study says that more than 17,000 people in the U.S. went to the ER in the past decade with zipper injuries. The number one cause of zipper injuries is when her husband comes home unexpectedly.

A study ties sugary drinks to 25,000 U.S. deaths each year. Although it is pretty hard to blame the death of someone who drank rum and Coke every day on just the Coke.

A study says that anxiety and depression may triple the risk of death for people with heart disease. That news ought to calm them down and cheer them up.

Former NFL great Jim Brown says he never used his head to hit other players. Looking at the number of times he has been arrested, he hasn’t used his head much after leaving the game either.

A study says that a majority of people use smartphones and tablets in the bedroom instead of the TV. Mostly because there is no good porn to be found on the TV.

A study says that mice that become fathers tend to lose their violent tendencies. Is that really such a big deal? How violent can a mouse really get in the first place?

A report says there are 500 Million Internet connected devices in the U.S. Apparently people need multiple gadgets to make sure they can send tweets from the bathroom and the kitchen.

A report says there are 500 Million Internet connected devices in the U.S. As many as seven of them are actually used for something besides looking at porn.

The Blackberry 10 will hit the market with an array of health care apps. The most important one is the app that gives emergency instructions on how to treat people who have been in an accident because they were texting on their Blackberry while driving.

On the tenth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, 53% of Americans say the war was a mistake. The other 47% are still debating between disaster, debacle and catastrophe.

On the tenth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, 50% of Americans say the U.S. did not meet its objectives in the war. The other 50% were saying “We had objectives in Iraq?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks to all who have donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. All you need to do to join in is click on the Great Strides icon and give what you can. I realize you have suffered enough reading these jokes, but what’s a little more sacrifice for a good cause? You send the money, and I’ll send the love!