I'm writing this because I need advice on how to respond to comments (made by FIL) that make me uncomfortable without taking my past out on him.

Background (TRIGGER):

My dad spent the majority of our childhood ignoring (never physical affection, no talking to us) us kids. When he wasn't ignoring us he was screaming about stuff that didn't make sense. He was always very sexually explicit around us kids- talked about women and what he wanted to do to them, hit on women in front of us, etc... I remember knowing that he was cheating on my mom from a really early age.

When I was about 11 I started making sure that I was always fully covered (always a bra on, baggy clothes) before he got home from work. About that time he started making sexual comments about my friends whenever they would visit. He talked (to me) about how sexy they were getting, how they were developing, asked if they had boyfriends their own age or liked older guys. He suddenly went from totally ignoring me my entire childhood to talking about this with me. I think I felt grownup and hopeful, like maybe I was finally someone he wanted to be around. I started learning how to joke around about sex with my dad. For me it was like a chance to show him I was "cool" and to bond with him.

When I was a little older he would sometimes call me into his bedroom to watch TV with him. I'm about to puke even typing this- I have never talked about it before and it is incredibly shameful. Usually there would be a porno on the TV. He would flip back and forth between the porno and something else. He would be naked under just a sheet and touching himself. He would try to "cuddle." When I would get uncomfortable and move away he would make fun of me, call me fat or "church girl," and always pick a fight with my mom after making things worse at home then they already were. I started locking my bedroom door at night at a pretty young age partially because of this.

When I was in high school I was usually up pretty late doing homework. About once a week he would get home late at night and start talking about his marital problems and how my mom was a "frigid mean bitch". He would give me tight hugs that lasted too long and start to kiss my neck. When I pulled away he acted hurt. One afternoon I had a girlfriend visiting and we were walking around the fields in our back yard (about 2 acres). He came running out there screaming at me and made us go back inside. He locked he and I in a room, made me totally remove my pants/underwear, and beat the shit out of me with his belt. It was so totally out of the blue and humiliating.

My parents finally divorced when I was 16 1/2. I managed to mostly avoid him after they split up and even stood up to him on a few things. Then right after I turned 18 he invited me to go with him to a work conference in Las Vegas. We live in southern California so it was just going to be a day trip, back home before midnight. I had never been and he told me he would show me all around and that it would be really fun. I stupidly went even though my mom tried hard to get me not to. While we were there he spotted some of his friends. He told me that I should pretend like I was his hot new wife to his friends and how funny it would be. I was embarrassed but put on a big happy face and laughed right along with it even when he grabbed me ass and kissed my neck in front of them. They invited us to meet them for drinks that night.

This is when I started panicking. Something in my head finally fucking clicked and I let myself think the thought "he is going to try and sleep with me." He took me to the hotel where we were going to meet up later for drinks and decided that he wanted to get us a room. I started lying about having to be back for church/work the next day. He said he felt really sick and needed to lie down. I threw a fit and used every excuse I could think of. He kind of acted defeated and told me that he was too sick to drive but that I could drive us back. At this point I had drove my moms minivan in the abandoned parking lot of a church and around the block maybe 3 times. My learner's permit had expired like 2 years before. I managed to get that huge luxury conversion van home without killing anyone. I have no clue how.

That was the last time I let myself be around my father. I'm almost 28 now and we haven't spoken in years. I cannot express how truly thankful I am that it never went any further. It could have ended so much worse.

Problem

If you are still reading, thank you. Until I got pregnant I probably would have said that none of the stuff with my dad has had any effect on the person I have become. When I got pregnant I started to realize that my normal meter is screwed up. My beautiful son is 4 months old now. No man has hurt me in a long time. I have a healthy, loving, supportive husband. I think I expected to have it figured out by now- like I could logically and methodically work through my past in order to protect my family.

The Il's and DH/I have a very good relationship. DH's dad has said many times that he loves me like a daughter. We all joke around and laugh a lot together. They have almost always treated us with mutual respect and seem to really enjoy our company. I care about them a lot. Until we had our son we saw them probably once a month for a short visit. Now we see them at least twice a month. When I was prego FIL made a few sexual comments about BFing. I thought it was odd but DH seemed more bugged by it than I did. DH has said that the dirty jokes and comments are a new thing with his dad- not something he would have done 5 years ago. When he first started DH and I were shocked and thought it was funny/awkward.

My problem is that FIL has escalated from making generalized dirty jokes to specifically "sexualizing" my breast feeding DS. He does this every visit. I have gotten comments like "I'm next," "LO is a boob guy, just like his daddy (or "just like dh/fil" more recently)." He has started checking out my chest more often. When I was baby wearing in the store the other day he got right up close and asked if lo was done eating yet. FTR I was not feeding him. That same night at their house I leaned down to pet their huge dog. She immediately flopped on her back wanting to be petted more. FIL had just made another comment about me BFing so I was already tense. As soon as I pet the dog he moved to be standing across from me and telling me to pet the dog more in a joking voice. When he says stuff like this I act uncomfortable and look at my feet. I've been looking at them more and more every time we visit and he doesn't stop. I don't laugh or smile. I've started wearing much more modest clothing when I know we will be seeing him. I told DH after this last visit that I no longer feel comfortable BFing around FIL and that the comments make me really uncomfortable. He has stated that he thinks FIL is 1000% joking, would be mortified if he knew that he was embarrassing me, and is probably doing it to make me feel more comfortable since we have always used humor as a way to diffuse an awkward situation and I am kind of shy about BFing even with a big cover. After DH said that stuff he apologized and said that he never wants me to be embarrassed or to be uncomfortable and that he will talk to FIL next time he sees him.

I feel like I could possibly be too sensitive given my background. If these comments are just annoying then I would rather not risk making a big deal about it and skip the talk. I'm scared. I know how ridiculous this is but in the moment I feel trapped like I did when I was a teen with my dad. It's so stupid. Please set me straight ladies.

One thing Op. Don't bring up maybe FIL has dementia or some feigned illness. It also minimizes what is occurring and it could stall DH's current progress. He may want to find justifications and that's not helpful at this point. It is what it is for right now.

^^^I agree. By bringing up dementia, you are giving an excuse for his behavior, which may or may not be the case. It sounds like this is not new behavior or MIL would have been shocked and upset by his comments.

Sounds like a great talk with your dh. However I still suggest if anything is said to FIL by your dh that you are in earshot to make sure their is no "humor" at your expense to smooth things over! Sounds like they use this "humor" to deal with awkward situations. ((hugs)) and stay strong you are doing the right thing!

Umm....you're not overreacting. I was not sexually abused as a child and that would make me very uncomfortable. Your FIL should never talk about your boobs, period. It's inappropriate, whether he's joking or not. BFing is not a shameful thing and it sounds like he's trying to make it that way for you.

You're not overreacting - but I don't see FIL as a huge creeper either. Some people have different comfort levels with jokes. In my family, it'd be no big deal, I've heard far worse, and it's just joking around. That said, if anyone says "Stop", it stops.

That's what needs to happen - FIL needs to be told that you do not appreciate that type of joking around, it makes you uncomfortable. If it is just joking around, that will end it. If it's a control issue - then he'll fight, and keep the 'jokes' up.

--

"Anyways, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive”

If this truly is completely out of character for your FIL, which I have no idea if it is, then dementia or some other actual ailment might be a real possibility. This does NOT mean that you have to change your reaction, put up with anything, or feel bad for him. But it may be worth talking to MIL about if he's had any ther unusual behaviors that started recently.

I am hippoing from page seven to say that I really hate the machismo implied by demanding that DH do all this chesty chest beating and say "Don't speak that way to MY WIFE." Its not ok because FIL is speaking that way to YOU, OP, or to any woman and he is sexualizing your child--whether or not it is DH's son or any woman's son. I also am just stunned by your statement that

I know he is more worried about his dad's feelings than anything else.

There is a whole lot more going on here than you have admitted to because what "feelings" are involved? If FIl was just inattentive and "just joking" which seems to be DH's party line then just speaking up and correcting him should be no problem. DH's fear of speaking honestly to his father about this issue speaks volumes about how dysfunctional that relationship is and how much more DH is valuing his father's peace of mind over yours.

You definitely need therapy for your own issues. There has to be some other stance on the horrible abuse you suffered that is neither helpless victim nor fully responsible agent--you know? What about former victim? What about survivor? What about champion of your child self by being a fully actualized, kick ass, take no shit adult woman?

Well, fuck me, of course its a bad idea to hippo! Your update on page 9 really clarified a bunch of stuff. I still think you need more therapy and more tools to deal with the hangover from the abuse you suffered, and I think your DH may need some too to deal with either the reality of his father or the reality of the changes in his father.

I don't want to jump on the dementia (or brain tumor) bandwagon but changes in personality, loss of filters, and sexual agression are, indeed, very common signs of both these things. Have the same talk you would have with FIL regardless--because for sure lots of people will be having that talk with him and MIL if he continues to spiral down and its as necessary to deal with it if it medical as it is if it is just a personal flaw in his character.

I'm glad you and your DH are more on the same page now. I do not have a tramatic past and I find your FIL's comments to be very inappropriate and creepy.

I hope the talk goes well and that this behaviour stops.

When first reading the OP the idea of Dementia did pop into my mind. Perhaps his reaction from the discussion of his "jokes" will help you determine if this is a character flaw or a larger, medical issue.