Etiquette: The dos and don'ts of meeting Her Maj, Queen Elizabeth II

CAN you pop out to the loo? Ask about the royal relations? Change the subject if you're bored? Consult our helpful guide to meeting the Queen.

By Joe Hildebrand

News Corp Australia newspapersJune 2, 201210:52am

AS every loyal subject of Her Majesty is aware, this week marks the diamond jubilee of the reign of Queen Elizabeth II.

And with this joyous occasion also comes the heightened risk that the Queen might indeed pop around for a cup of tea at any time, just as your mother always warned you.

And even though Her Majesty loves nothing more than to kick back with a gin and tonic and a Rothmans, the fact of the matter is Her Maj is still a bit of a stickler for protocol.

And so to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment during her annus juribilis, here are some vital DOS and DON'TS to adhere to if you meet Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith…

DON’T speak unless spoken to

You may be familiar with the phrase "little children should be seen and not heard”. For the Royals this applies to all ages. The Queen does not want to hear your incomprehensible prattle or whacked-out political theories. This especially applies if you are Prince Philip.

DO follow the dress code

The Queen is one of the few people in the world who has the constitutional power to force people to wear hats, so if she tells you how to dress you’d best do as she says. Also, if you don’t know what a “morning suit” is then it’s a fair bet you don’t own one.*

DON’T touch the Queen

That dirty proletarian Paul Keating brought shame upon the Empire when he dared to offer a guiding hand to Her Majesty as she walked through Parliament House, almost causing a century of parliamentary democracy - not to mention several monarchists - to collapse on the spot. Touching the Queen is illegal. And while we’re at it, don’t pat the corgis either.

DO use the highest applicable official address

The first time you meet the Queen the correct form of address is “Your Majesty”, not “Your Royal Highness”, “Elizabeth”, “Mrs Regina” or “Luv”. After that you may refer to her as “Ma’am” however this must very strictly be pronounced to rhyme with “jam” rather than “calm”. This is a deliberate rule to prevent the Queen being spoken to by people from Adelaide.

DON’T ask about the royal relations

There is nothing more annoying to the Queen than someone coming up and saying “So, how’s old Charlie going then? Haven’t seen him since Timbertop. Do say hello.” You’re not fooling anybody. And whatever you do don’t mention Diana - unless you want to end up like her.

DON’T offer a handshake

The Queen will always offer her hand first. Just as one should not speak unless spoken to, one should not shake unless shoken to.

DO keep handshakes short

Several royal etiquette guides warn “don’t pump the royal hand”. Indeed, as a general rule try not to pump anything.

DO swot up on the words to God Save the Queen

It’s a fair bet that God Save the Queen is the Queen’s favourite song so whatever you do make sure you know the lyrics. And no, the second verse does not begin “I left my heart to the sappers round Khe Sanh…”

DON’T call Prince Philip “Your Majesty”

As Philip is not King, his correct title is merely “Your Royal Highness”. I know, I know. It’s feminism gone mad.

DO stand up when the Queen enters the room

The Queen is very fond of people standing. Just ask the guards at Buckingham Palace.

DON’T change the subject

It is up to the Queen to take the lead in all conversations, and no, she is unlikely to bring up post office waiting times, why your wife left you or how to calculate family tax benefit B.

DO wait for the Queen to start eating

The only time the Queen doesn’t eat first is when hosting a visiting Sovereign. Are you a visiting Sovereign? No, of course you’re bloody not.

DON’T slurp your tea

The Queen likes nice table manners, which includes no slurping and returning the cup to the saucer after each sip. Anyone who doesn’t do this is no better than an Irishman.

DO offer the Queen three menus to choose from

This rule applies if you are inviting the Queen to a function. Also you must invite her at least six months in advance. Also she’s not coming.

DON’T go to the loo

I can’t believe it’s even necessary to say this, but for the love of God, if you’re heading out to dinner with the Queen make sure you go before you leave the house. However if it’s a genuine emergency, wait until the table is being cleared between courses, then make subtle eye contact with a footman, then discretely ask for the lavatory, then quietly excuse yourself from any conversation you’re in and then… Oh let’s face it, it’s too late by now.

DO curtsey when meeting the Queen

NB This does NOT apply if you are a man – even John Travolta

DON’T serve the royals shellfish

Actually I’m not sure why this is a rule. Maybe they’re Jewish.

* It should be noted that one’s “morning suit” is completely different to one’s “birthday suit”. Confusion between the two has caused some embarrassment in the past.