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Dads...Listen to your children

David Burchett

David Burchett's weblog

2009Jun 18

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Every dad leaves a legacy. I have learned a few things through trial and many
errors about being a dad who is trying to leave a positive legacy. Previous
installments detailed two ways to leave a good legacy.

Today we will examine two more ways to establish a positive legacy. And we
are adding a very dangerous twist today. I polled my three sons about my
strengths and (gasp) shortcomings as their father. Those knee-buckling results
were both sobering and encouraging.

First, the third way to leave a positive legacy as a dad.

3. Enjoy every mile of the journey

The best description I have heard about being a parent is this bit of
wisdom: “Parenting…the days are long and the years are short.”

In his book, Being
a Good Dad When You Didn't Have One, Tim Wesemann gives his readers
a two-word piece of advice: "Lighten up!" He says that adults laugh an average
of 15 times a day while children laugh 400 more times. "Sometime between
childhood and adulthood, we lose 385 laughs a day! That's a great loss!"
Wesemann says. "Maybe we need not only the faith of a child but the funny bone
of one as well."

I agree. One of my favorite moments happened on a family trip. Brett is
several years younger than his siblings. I was addressing his older brothers’
behavior when I snapped at the boys and said in my best dad voice, “You are
acting like children." Brett was only five, and he thought I was including him
in the accusation. He pondered the comment and then said, “But I am a children."
The laughter from the backseat derailed my dad authority and it definitely
lightened the moment. The family that can laugh together has a huge advantage in
the journey.

The Psalmist wrote these words: "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord;
the fruit of the womb is a reward." Sometimes it is hard to remember what a
blessing those little ones are when they are holding their breath at Wal-Mart. I
encourage parents to enjoy every phase of their children’s journey. And I
learned that what your children take away as favorite memories may be
surprising. One of the questions I asked my sons was their favorite memories of
time with me. I expected that they would remember the big trips we took together
or some expensive outing. I was humbled by their responses.

Firstborn son Matt: "My favorite memories are throwing the
baseball/football in the front yard of our Pecan Valley house, going to baseball
games and growing up around sports."

Second born son Scott: "Playing
catch in the backyard for hours on end, even when your knees hurt. Going to cut
down Christmas Trees every November and stopping at the Dairy Queen on the way
home."

Youngest son Brett: "You coaching my sports teams and going to cut down the
Christmas tree."

It was the little things that counted for them. The memories that really
mattered to them were things that cost me only time. Each one of the boys felt
valued when they felt I had sacrificed or made a special effort to spend time
with them. I thought the big things mattered the most but I was wrong.

4. Be a Role Model

The fourth way to leave a positive legacy is to model what you are
teaching. Here is a powerful quote from Clarence Budington Kelland: “My father
didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and he let me watch him do it.” Wow. I
have seen that prove out in my own life. I can tell you exactly what my father
modeled for me, but I would have a hard time remembering any of his lectures. I
believe that is an overlooked component of the wisdom expressed in Proverbs:
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not
depart from it." That training should include being a role model and then the
verbal training will sink in. Being an authentic role model makes the message
effective.

You are a role model for your children, like it or not. Your children will,
to one degree or another, model their lives after you. You have inherited some
of your father's characteristics and your children are inheriting some of yours.

Brett wrote in his responses, "you are my biggest influence for
everything." Scary. Whether you know it or not (or mean to or not), you are
influencing the lives of your children and your children's children.

You ARE a role model and every dad needs to reflect on that responsibility.

In Deuteronomy we find a great bit of advice for dads: “Just make sure you
stay alert. Keep close watch over yourselves. Don't forget anything of what
you've seen. Don't let your heart wander off. Stay vigilant as long as you live.
Teach what you've seen and heard to your children and grandchildren.”

You
are preparing your children to leave home. That is your job as parents. Someday,
they'll take what they've learned from you and begin to apply it out in the real
world. You've got approximately 18 years to get them ready. I have joked that
Joni and I had a sign on their bedroom doors that read, “Checkout Time is 18
Years…No Exceptions!” But we both believed we were stewards of our sons with the
charge of preparing them to leave.

When I asked my boys what I had taught
them, this is what I read:

From Scott: "You taught me to love the Lord and trust Him with my life.
Your spiritual growth over the past decade has inspired me and taught me a lot
about how to grow in the Lord. You taught me to be loyal and hard working in
everything I'm involved with, and most importantly, to never give up.
Burchett's aren't quitters, even if they want to be sometimes."

From Brett: "You taught me how to be a strong Christian man and how to play
sports."

From Matt: "Never quit something you started. Work hard. Do everything with
excellence. Treat everybody with respect and genuine kindness."

Before you think that I am some really great Dad, let's return to the third
question I asked the boys: what they wish I had done differently. Their
responses were consistent and they saddened me. I share this in the hope that
young dads will take this to heart.

Matt: "I wish you could have been home more."Scott: "I wish you could
have been home more."Brett: "I wish you could have been home more."

And here is what I wish I had done differently. I wish I would have been home
more. I cannot change the past. God is gracious and loving. My relationship with
all of my boys is wonderful despite those misplaced priorities at times. Love
does cover a multitude of sins. My sons know they are loved. They know they have
my approval and respect. I am blessed by them.