Resources for Raising Girls in Our World Today

Clearly, we need to talk more about how to raise our daughters in this world. I’m not an authority or expert (which is why I usually just tell my story and point to good resources), but I am a conservative Christian and I am not ashamed of how we choose to raise our girls in a world that often devalues them. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me (the road is narrow, after all).

I know when it comes to modesty, there are extremes: I won’t be sewing clothes for my daughters or making them wear a swimsuit that looks like a full body unitard. There also won’t be thongs or string bikinis in their drawers. But this isn’t just about modesty or what stores sell, it’s not about sex or singleness or feminism, it’s about choices we make and boundaries we lay as parents as we raise them in a world filled with degradation and objectification.It’s about loving our little girls and leading them by example. It’s about going against what our culture says is okay and trying to live more like Jesus.

And I’m the first to admit, I mess this up and I get lost in knowing how to navigate this journey, but I will not give up on my daughters or myself. And I remind all of us that, regularly.

I’ve compiled some great resources (mostly, Tween to Teen, some resources for under age 8) we’ve used and some that have been recommended. This is not a comprehensive list and I’m not getting anything in exchange for listing these items, books are Amazon affiliate links. (I am listing resources I would personally use) And it goes without saying (although I’m saying it since there are a lot of new readers here), the Bible is our ultimate resource. It is my daily go-to guide):

Comments

My sister struggles with this as well. Even in our church girls dress immodestly. She is about to turn 14 and struggles to find clothes that fit her and are modest. She complains that the world only caters to the skinny girls.

I love these posts! My own daughter is 2 1/2 years old and I am already frustrated with some of the clothing choices. I am noticing more and more all the ‘junk’ our kids are exposed to. Thank you for writing these two posts. If you don’t mind, I want to write up a post on my blog and post the links to these. I love these so much and I believe it is never too early to start teach our kids their value in Christ and not the world. Let me know, I don’t want to post with permission. : ) I can send you a preview if you like. ~Erika @ mishmashedme.

I stand with you Kristen! My lovely daughter turns 12 today, and she’s somewhere between the kids and juniors department. I have my own theory on how modesty is only affordable to the upper middle class and above. Just spend some time comparing Hannah Andersson, Johnnie B (mini boden), and other high end clothing stores with what is available at Target, Wal-mart, and other lower end stores.

We spend a lot of time scouring thrift stores and resell sites for modest clothing that fits, but the older and taller she gets, the more difficult.

Thank you for listing these resources! You have some here I haven’t heard of? I’m definitely going to check them out!

(ps – I boycott VS not as much for my daughter as for my son and husband. Their mailings are on the same level as p*rn, and I don’t need those demons in my house or my mailbox.)

Can I say something about this and your last post (7 Things We Must Tell Them) without sounding…nitpicky? I have read both posts, and they’re nice, but our daughters (and our sons!) need more than this.

Personally, I do not want my daughters to be *self* confident or to have *self* esteem. I want them to be confident in Jesus and to esteem Him above all things. I want them to know that HE is valuable, that HE is amazing, that HE will change the world someday- maybe today!

The seven things I will tell my daughters are found in 2 Peter 1:5-7: “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.”

Those are seven things that God Himself thought important enough to include in his Holy Bible.

Our children need to be grounded in the word of God so that they do not fall. The world devalues anything good. No amount of building up is going to change that. Only the word of God can give any Christian- male or female- the qualities they need to STAND in this world. Teach them to stand!

It’s not that I found either of your posts wrong or offensive in any way, I just think as Christians, we need something a lot more powerful- like the word of God. That should be number one on your Book Lists!!

“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

You’re absolutely right. I’ve spent the last five years saying the same thing. People who read my blog know the value I place on the Word of God, from Scripture memory to a guide for daily living. My blog isn’t a Bible study though, just thoughts from one mom to another. It’s helpful to get the whole picture rather than just a snapshot or two.

I am sure you do. I have never read your blog- your “7 Things” post was put on Facebook by a friend of mine, so I followed the link and ended up here I didn’t mean to sound preachy, I just wanted to chime in to say that morality without the power of God is just window dressing- it doesn’t address the heart. I think if a girl is truly saved and grounded in the word of God, she is able to apply the things you posted- if not, she will appear “right” on the outside, but on the inside she will be just as wrong as those “other girls” that dress immodestly.

AMEN! We have 2 girls ages 20 and almost 19 and 2 boys almost 15 and almost 10. I am afraid that when I first gave my heart back to the Lord,(when our oldest girl was only 4 mths old) I developed a very Religious spirit and didn’t train them up properly. I spoke too many negative words over them and although they both gave their hearts to the Lord at very young ages, they are now living away from HIM. I know that they were never allowed to wear bikinis or revealing clothing of any kind and although our youngest girl still dresses very modestly, our oldest does not always cover up as I would like. Neither girl truly knows who they are in Christ Jesus which is really what it ALL boils down to! The devil is the author of lies and he would want all of us to believe that we have to look and dress a certain way to get a mate, be successful, be happy etc. I know that my girls will come back to Jesus, the lover of their souls but I am definitely doing things differently with our boys. They have been told from infancy that they are blessed and highly favoured, that they can do ALL things through Christ Jesus who gives them strength, they are first and not last, the head and not the tail. God bless all of you raising children both girls and boys in this world.

Ihk- How awesome that you shared this scripture reference! I think it would be great to talk about “the Seven Things” from this blog, and show how they are founded on God’s teachings in scripture.

Kristen- Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your thoughts, especially knowing there are “haters” out there who will attack you for standing up for virtue.

I also wanted to add that as I’ve read the comments, folks have been talking about their kids being too young for this conversation. Readers, whatever age your kids are (girls and boys), they need to be hearing this message now. My son, who is a teen now, was coming home and asking me about extremely graphic things almost from Kindergarten! Ugh!

Thanks for these great resources! One I would add is Nancy Rue. She wrote the Body Talk book you mentioned, along with some great tween books. She has a website for tweens. Also, her Lily series and Sophie series are great fiction reading for girls!

Thank you Kristen for being brave enough to post this topic. My girls are 3 and 1 and I long for them to know Jesus and make him known. I know that it’s an uphill battle for their souls though. Thank you for reinforcing the Bible with these great resources.

Fantastic couple of posts! I wish every mom could read these! My daughter and I went to the Secret Keeper Girl Event and had an amazing time! It was a happy, tearful, healing time of fellowship together! And to be able to hear the things that were really on her mind were so encouraging (and heartbreaking). I am thankful for that opportunity and our relationship has been stronger ever since!

I am raising two daughter, one is 19 and one is 15. They have attended a small Christian school since the age of four and my oldest is attending her freshman year at a Christian university. We have always focused on modesty in dressing, but sadly it makes life difficult for them sometimes. Most of the jeans and shorts we find to be acceptable are out of the women’s department, not the trendy, junior area. They don’t wear tiny bikinis, they instead choose athetic type bathing suits with swim shorts. But someone always has something to say to them. Other girls tell them they have great oldies and should show the off (both girls are athletes). Luckily, they are strong enough to not let these kinds of comments bother them for long. But,it is sad that other girls their age view a beautiful, healthy body as something that would be “shown off”.

Finally, something worth reading on the internet. Love your blog, love your recent posts, and as the mom of two little girls of my own, I will be checking back often! Us Jesus loving mommas have to stick together and make a difference, in a world that says otherwise.

Thanks for the last post and this one as well! As a Dad of a young girl, I want her to feel confident with herself for who she is, not what others want her to be. I want her to love herself, not be something else to get others to love her. I found this video from Dove that shows off their Photoshop Action, called “Beautify” which, when opened and applied to a downloaded photo, will remove all the actions done to “Photoshopped” photos. The purpose of this action is to help girls (and women) see what photos look like before then end up in print (on-line or in magazines). I hope it’s ok if I put this link here, I love it and plan on downloading it right after I type this and I plan on showing it to my wife and, eventually, to my daughter. http://www.fastcocreate.com/1682534/dove-canada-uses-photoshop-trojan-horse-to-shame-potential-body-shamers

You already know this, but may I remind you that Godliness will almost always bring personal attacks. Much of it is guilt; many people living worldly lives know they are wrong and use venomous attacks to make themselves feel better. Why should they care how you raise your daughters? If they don’t like your advice or what you are doing, they should choose another blog to read. But, no, they have to attack. It is truly sad that so many Christians live so much like the unsaved live. Our son, when a teenager, once said “the only difference in what most of my “Christian” friends do and my non-Christian friends do is that the “Christians” go to church. That broke my heart. Christian parents, wake up. Take a stand. Be different. Be in the world but not of the world.

Great Christian families who do a lot right checkout all the time on social media. Being present means being purposeful and thoughtful. Everything you said was spot on. We must live out of our value as individuals made in the image of God and not out of the things we do. Thanks.

Thanks for sharing these resources! I’d like to recommend a book. It’s one my teen daughter has read several times over. It’s from a Christian perspective and addresses things with a sense of humor and an engaging attitude, but it’s very relevant. Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti by Chad Eastham. I have no affiliation whatsoever, but I have read the book myself and heard him speak at a conference as well. In my opinion, it’s a great book for any teen, girl or guy.

It’s hard to do this sometimes when our mothers or parents don’t model this from a young age, or get extremely judgmental about what we wear without giving us good reasons why dressing a certain way helps people to respect us. I’ve been around my share of middle-aged women who seem more concerned with status or perception of others’ opinions than anything else, who put a lot of pressure on their daughters to be perfect as functional saviours for their own lives, and I’ve been that woman who craves attention, and gets it by turning heads with what I wear. It’s been my experience that modesty is usually a by-product of seeing a good model of authority and respect in your life; I hope & pray that one day when I’m a mother who inspires rather than demands obedience.

Kristen, thank you for these honest posts. As a 26 year old who is constantly horrified by my peers and the state of this world that we live in, I can only hope and pray that God will give me the grace to raise up pure and confident children someday who are too focused on Him to succumb to the world around them. Sadly, I’ve watched dear friends give in to the lies of the world that tell them to place value on themselves based on the sexual desires that men have for them despite my own desperate attempts to replace those lies with the Truth. It has literally broken my heart.

This is a wonderful resource! Thank you so much!! And I loved the post earlier. I have a 5 month old baby girl, and I’m already learning how to raise her to know her worth as a daughter of God. I also want to suggest the site http://www.moretobe.com. It’s not my site, but one for moms and mentors of young women. There are tons of resources.

Thank you for your great post. I am a youth leader and I used to co-lead a small group for teenage girls. We were constantly seeing them chasing boys and popularity as opposed to chasing a relationship with Christ. This list of resources would be great to have on hand!! I hope you don’t mind, but I shared your last blog post on my personal blog. I thought it was just so great.

Kristen, WAY TO GO for taking a firm stance for Truth. You’re so right. The road is narrow indeed. And we clearly need to not only train our children in the ways of God, we need to be examples ourselves to our own generation. Because clearly, grace and humility and purity and humility and nobility and humility have too often fallen to the wayside amongst those of us who call ourselves adults.

Thank you for your posts. It is so important that women and mothers stand up for what is right. I am grateful to see increasing amounts of thoughtful and informative articles for mothers to think about. May I also recommend http://www.beautyredefined.net I think you will appreciate it.

I disagree with how you characterize certain clothing as sexual or immodest. Women should be free to wear what they choose without people viewing them as sex objects. We teach our children that certain clothes mean a woman is promiscuous, then we blame women when something bad happens to them. I think we should teach our kids tolerance for different cultural practices, and that includes the clothes people wear. I don’t want your daughter judging mine because your daughter thinks mine is dressed immodestly. I don’t want my friends in Brazil, who tend to wear less clothing than we do, to visit me and then to be seen as promoting sexual immortality, when they do not intend that. It’s just physical objects – it’s just clothes. We’re all born naked. The idea that a naked body necessitates sex is taught. While some of the marketing done by Victoria’s Secret is terrible, sexual, and raunchy, I don’t think that just because a woman puts on less clothing means she is inviting sex. She may just not see the human body as a vessel of sex like you do. Sorry if this comes off as an attack. I’m just trying to say that I think you should focus on the sexist advertising more than you should be trying to put down people who choose to wear certain clothing.

IMHO, I think you are being extremely naive if you think cloths do not give a certain perception to others, one way or the other. Wanting the world to not place judgement on your daughter by saying “clothes are just cloths and we should be able to wear anything we want and not have the world think a certain way about me,” is just not reality. However unfortunate the truth may be. I think the point is that our girls should value themselves, not because of what they look like, but because of the value they are born with. The value they have been created with. Sex is the unfortunate measure that society places on a lot of things in life. Not teaching that to your child is a disservice. Turning a blind eye to something simply because you do not WANT it to be so, is not a good way to change it. Please do not get me wrong. I think as a father, it’s commendable that you are wanting a world that does not perceive women as sex objects. But the reality is, as a woman, you are judged in every single aspect of life. School, work, friends, etc. We need to teach our girls to be confident in who they are, to know that what they do, say and wear does make a difference.

Clearly Kristen is not addressing cultural differences (of which she is well aware, since her family established a home for young , pregnant girls in Africa. I would say she has better knowledge than most Americans of those differences!), rather the tendency of Americans to sexualize our females, starting at younger ages every day.

It is naive, at best, to pretend we all reserve judgment of what others wear. Every single person makes a judgement of others based on their appearances… why else do we spend so much time and money on clothing and accessories. To pretend we don’t judge one another is a nice thought, but not realistic. Why are prostitues easily recognized in movie or tv portrayols? Because of their appearnace / clothing. Not wanting our daughters to be judged on what they wear is also far different than saying they “deserve” to be attacked. Portraying themselves as immodest does not excuse abuse. When young girls are immodest, however, it does advertise to the world that they don’t have a strong man in their life who protects them from their own poor wardrobe choices.That is the saddest aspect of all.

I once saw something very profound on a non-Christian science fiction TV show. One of the young women from another planet was talking with a 14 year old earth boy about why the girls his age dressed the way they do. She asked him if it was because they wanted to have sex. He said no. Her response was brilliant “Well someone wants them to!!” Should it be that way? No but sadly it is. Our culture says certain clothing is sensual and the women and girls who wear them are judged according to implied intent and not actual heart.

I know this would be even tougher than pulling together this list of resources was but… I’d love to see a compilation of good movies for our girls with REAL girls/women who have that meek and quiet spirit and aren’t the giddy, obnoxious, “girls rule, boys drool” type. 😉 I thought of the Carissa American Girl movie for one. There’s no perfect examples, and I know there objectionable things in any movie, but just to have some type of list to at least start with would be SO wonderful. And really… one for boys with heroes and guys who really respect girls for who they are would be great too! Thank you for helping us navigate these dangerous waters! ~Michelle

I love your articles on raising girls. I am actually raising 3 boys and even though the situations are a little different for them I have the same thoughts and feelings. I want them to understand it’s good to be a leader and stand up for what they believe in. That they don’t have to be dating and have girlfriends just because the majority their age are. I pray God will always be 1st for them. At the same time I also pray they find Godly women to marry one day. I have definitely messed up I’m sure many times as a parent, but I pray that God leads us in the right direction. I pray there are more parents that will be bold and raise their children against what society says is good for them. Thank you again!

Thank you for standing up and speaking on this subject! We actually don’t even use the words teenager or tween in our family. They have negative connotations and are modern terms. We use young adult, young lady, or young man. Our society continues to encourage our children to remain immature rather than encourage them to mature. Do Hard Things is an excellent resource. Thank you again!

I thank God he has led you to post these! Our God keeps blessing us with daughters and I really am greatful to know about these recourses! I love reading your blog…. i feel like you are a long time friend and I’ve never met you! So I hope you are encouraged that you bless so many! Philippians 3:14b-15, NIV ” one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

I am so glad there’s a voice out there that’s strong enough to speak and withstand the torrents that inevitably come. I know from personal experience how tough it was to be a teenager of standards, wearing clothes every day that were modest, and especially at dances and prom, (those last two really get me because it seemed that even friends who seemingly share my same values and standards, would let them drop for these events, as if it’s ok this one time.)

I am now a mom of a little girl, and whereas she’s much too young to make her own decisions of what to wear, I’ve noticed that the fashion industry doesn’t stop at tweens and teenagers. This may be too far for some, but I don’t think that even infants should be exempt. I don’t know how often I looked back as a teenager to baby photos and thought, “Well, if it was ok for me to be dressed like that as a baby, why is it wrong now?” If it’s not ok later, why is it ok earlier? I am sure that as she experiences her first summer, it will be difficult to find clothing that will properly cover my daughter–not just for modesty purposes, but for the purpose of protecting her skin. Aside from modesty, isn’t that what clothing is all about in the first place? Protecting our bodies and skin?

I had an interesting conversation with Emma yesterday. We were talking about modesty and related things, and I mentioned a dear friend of ours who didn’t even KISS her husband until their wedding, and she brightened up and said “OH! Like on 19 Kids and Counting… they didn’t kiss until their wedding!” To my cutting-edge, wanting to be popular and trendy (at 10 years old), this was awesome. So… they may be controversial on several different levels to much of our world, but to me, they’re a pull back towards what should be normal. A balance in this world of anything-goes, sex-crazed TV and advertising. Showing my girls that it’s ok to not do/wear/say/think the way the rest of the world and even much of our Christian community seems to. So thank you Hannah and Justin, Duggar Family, We Are THAT Family, and all my dear friends who are helping us fight for our little girls!

I just wanted to say thank you for all your posts on our children/modesty/purity etc. I find even with other friends from church they make what seems like decisions for thier children in the way they dress etc that are opposite of what I’d think God would want for those children. I am trying to raise my children god has “loaned me” in a way that is pleasing to him and its hard to find other conservative christains to brainstorm with or even just encourage each other. Thanks again.

WOWZAS! I just got caught up on the last few posts and sister… You need a vacation…Badly. Who knew that would stir the pot like it did? Jeez. Well, I got your back in prayer. Keep up the good work! You are a light in a very dark world. I’m super proud of ya…

Thank you for these great resources. Another great resource with the same message and an online magazine, as well as a conference in CO, is Set Apart Girl (http://www.setapartgirl.com/leslie-ludy/message). I did a study with Leslie’s book, Authentic Beauty, with some girls including my daughter. She gives the same message of being fulfilled in Christ and not looking to guys or other things.

so many of the ways we talk about modesty as christians are harmful. we judge and shame and reduce women to body parts (just like the media/culture!). what would it look like to honor God and one another, not just with our clothes, but with *how* we have these discussions? how can we have them without making women feel ashamed of their own bodies and sexuality? how do we teach men to take their own thoughts captive and respect the image of God in all women, no matter what they’re wearing? what does it look like to live out our God-given sexuality as celibate and single people?

(i took students to a Silver Ring Thing event once, and it was a disappointing mess. they sold out the gospel for government abstinence money. they can make a decent case against hook-up culture, but without speaking the name of Jesus, they offered no compelling christian sexual ethic or reason to save sex for marriage.)

One of the best things I think we can do in raising daughters in the church and avoiding an unhealthy approach to boys (I say unhealthy, because it is natural healthy and normal for teenagers to be interested in the opposite sex – of course) their bodies and God is to reinforce an understanding of both their and our (as mothers) place in the church. We were created equally in God’s image, with equal power and authority as a fitting match for men (as described in Genesis). This does not speak just of marriage, but of the church. Women and men, serving side by side, working together as equals to further the kingdom of God. Complementing each others strengths and weaknesses. Finding the path God has laid out for us, not trying to fit in to some kind of societal ‘role’. The sad result of the fall is that our understanding of what it means to be masculine or feminine is that we are taking much of our definition of these things from our culture – not God’s word (ie. men are strong and unemotional, manliness equals leadership, women are compliant, weak and overly emotional – THESE ARE NOT BIBLICAL!!) One website I have found to be exellent in it’s comittment to biblical truth is “christians for biblical equality” (just google it). I have found it so encouraging. If we don’t understand our equal footing, and take glory in being women, we risk falling into the trap of seeing ourselves as accessories to the kingdom of god. As accessories to men, as opposed to their equal partner.

Thank you and Amen for this post and your “Raising Daughters in a World That Devalues Them” post, Kristen. Two of the best posts I’ve ever read. Did I say “Amen”? We promise to do our very best to raise our son to honor and respect women and love the Lord. We also want our girls to find their dignity, respect and value in the Lord, not man. I love your list of resources. If you don’t mind, I’d like to make another suggestion. We’ve been reading a great new, actually renewed, book. Great for all dads of daughters. We’re loving it, so I have to share… It’s called “She Calls Me Daddy: 7 Things You Need to Know About Building a Complete Daughter,” by Robert Wolgemuth. Originally released in the 90s, it was a best seller. His girls are grown up and give their own input along with their husbands who are daddies to girls. I understand 40% of the book is new material. It’s so unique in this way. Robert puts the anxieties of Daddy raising his girl(s) to rest, guiding you through challenges and good times – protecting, conversation, affection, discipline, laughter, faith, conduct. So great for helping daddies learn to lead, love and cherish. I highly recommend it!

Thank You for these resources! I have a 14 yr. old daughter and we have had some good conversations about boys, clothes, etc. It’s not an easy job. In case you haven’t heard, there is a movie called “Old-fashioned” being released the same time as “50 shades” here in our small Iowa town. Look for it in your area. But, one of the problems is that girls are being told over and over that they are nobody without a boy and sadly a lot of Christians hold the UN-Biblical view that the only option for us females is marriage/family/pots ‘n pans/drudgery.
The “Christian” romance novels are no help either and leave a girl wanting to fill her God-shaped vacuum with a boy/man. To understand where I am coming from, I would strongly urge all tween/teens and older to read a marvelous book by a very wise woman. The title of this book is — Unseduced and Unshaken: The Place of Dignity in a Young Woman’s Choices by Rosalie de Rosset. It is phenomenal. I thought to myself after reading it, that it’s about time somebody said these things!! We’re too afraid of the status quo and breaking the social norms that EVERY woman should get married and bear children. Just look at the divorce rate, Christians included. People rush into marriage/family without fully realizing what it REALLY is. Marriage shouldn’t be the one thing we all live for! Even Paul said it in 1 Cor. 7, but again nobody wants to read about marriage bringing trouble in this life, which it will! I had a friend tell me that the single life is trouble too but I said, “Well it’s a lot less trouble.” In case you are wondering, the author is a Christian, educated at Moody Bible Inst. and many other impressive credentials. Don’t miss this book! Throw away your romance novels. Grace2U

I am not religious at all. I fully agree with your article on clothing for young girls and love your 7 things we must tell our daughters. This does not have to be seen as a religious view at all! It should be seen as a lets teach our children to value the importance of their future the choice they make today affect tomorrow. Sexuality should not be a bonding agent for parents.
I should also mention I only had one child a son. He is now 23. He was raised to respect women. I was very open about sex being different for men then women especially the first time! I wanted him to see women as more than a sex object. I wanted him to value other qualities in women other then their sexuality.
As a fifth grade teacher I am disgusted by how parents encourage their girls to “like” boys. Why are they not teaching them (their girls) to love themselves and teaching them to love their education and to be able to support themselves in the world not to rely on a man to fulfill their needs. It absolutely frustrates me that these parents choose to bond with their girls over clothing and cute boys then valuing themselves as a human being not a boys object!
I don’t know how to help. That is actually how I found tis article; looking for ways to teach parents to raise strong healthy children while not pushing them into adulthood to soon.

HI! I'm Kristen. I'm here to encourage you as a wife and mom and remind you there's a little bit of THAT family in all of us. I write books, run Mercy House and try to remember I am third (God first, others second). I'm glad you're here.