Shit My Family Says, Pt. 3

I’m going for my stress echocardiogram tomorrow and ironically enough, I’m a little stressed about it. So to cheer me up I compiled some more tidbits from my goofy, hilarious, ridiculous, favorite family.

Husband: You need a fanny pack. You can just wear it around here and I won’t tell anyone.

Me: *Laughing*

Husband: Are you laughing because you know I’m lying?

Me: You know I hate it when you twerk.

Thing1: This booty brings home the dough.

Thing2: I thought you said, “this booty brings home the dope.”

Me: That booty better not be bringing anything anywhere.

Thing 1, directing traffic at a small concert, texting husband:

There are pigs fighting in a cage on a trailer. What do I do?

Nevermind.

A guy came with a prod.

There’s a lady screaming animal abuse.

They are leaving.

The following is a list of things I heard Thing 2 saying while he played Minecraft with his friends. Note the difference between what I heard and what he actually said. After each of these I yelled, “HEY! What are you talking about in there?” Or “WATCH YOUR MOUTH!” and then was informed that I am crazy and he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

What I heard: EFF IT!

What he actually said: EPIC!

What I heard: Did you take all the weed?

What he actually said: Did you take all the wheat?

What I heard: Did you smoke it all?

What he said: Did you smelt it all?

What I heard: Someone’s been stomping on my crotch and I don’t like it.

What he said: Someone’s been stomping on my crops and I don’t like it.

What I heard: Where’s the stripper?

What he said: Where’s the spider?

It's easy to share this post. Not like sharing pie. I would never ask you to share pie.

This is all MY stuff. Don’t take my stuff.

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