Aroldis Chapman — A-rold! — defected yesterday. I defect every morning after I eat my bran cereal. No, random italicized voice, defected. As in, he gave the Cuban national team the old switcheroo. He snuck out of a Rotterdam hotel where the team was staying this week. The coach said he checked on him and saw him sleeping. What he actually saw was a mannequin shifting in bed from a wire attached to the bedroom door that was strung over a closet door with a trophy attached. For his escape, Aroldis wishes to thank Ferris Bueller. So why do you care? He’s the best lefty in the world and he can throw 100 MPH. Keepers, clean your ears, cause there’s a new Strasburg in town. Though no one’s sure what town that is. Deep keepers should keep an eye out for when he’s added. Probably a year away, but it depends on the team that signs him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexei Ramirez – Sticking with the Cuban theme, good news for Alexei as his finger’s X-rays revealed no fracture. He should return soon. Not soon enough in a league where I’m rocking Everth Cabrera. Steal, son. You’re fast.

Kevin Correia – He made me sob yesterday. Big, mucousy running into my ‘stache tears. Wasn’t pretty, kinda like Correia’s start yesterday. Five innings and six earned runs. Belch! Even more disappointing is the Walks — 3 of them. One walk to Wandy. Correia!!! Okay, Correia wasn’t terrific, obviously. But he should’ve got out of the first inning without any damage done. Maybe one run there. The homer to Geoff Blum was unforgivable. But let’s not forget — this was his worst start of the year after 16 of them. Also, it tied for the most walks he had given up all year. Hopefully he remembers he’s a usable 5th starter. I pardon you, Correia.

Joey Votto – 4-for-6, 1 RBI, 15-for-38 since he’s returned. Member last month when I sat behind you at your computer and kept buzzing you with an electrical current every time you wanted to trade him? Yeah, I just got my electric bill.

Jeff Baker – Traded to the Cubs for Al Alburquerque. Al Alburquerque? Was he named during that game where you bounce the ball? Hi, my name is Al. I live in Albuquerque. I like apples. If Baker gets a full-time job, he’ll be worth a spot at MI for his pop. He may get an extended look immediately for the injured Miles. Though I’d take a wait and see approach, except in NL-Only leagues.

Mark Reynolds – Number 22 for Mini-Donkey. Get on the donkey, donkey…Mini-donkey!

Doug Davis – 7 IP, 1 ER. Has a 3.15 ERA and is 3-8. Is there a Diamondback rule that they only score for Brandon Webb? It’s like 2004 redux for Davis when he went 12-12 with a 3.39 ERA.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks. Last year when you owned Harang, it was like he put a sweaty glass down on your Reggie Jackson rookie card while he made a sex tape with your ex-wife. This year he’s paying for your kids’ private school education. Cha-ching!

Chad Qualls – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Might still be dealing with forearm issues. Or he’s dealing with being sucky in the suckhole. Either way, it’s not good.

Rafael Soriano – Save yesterday. I know no one cares about Rafael Soriano, but I’ve had him on one team all year so allow me to talk about him for un momento. Doode is smoking with nitrous. 1.19 ERA, .88 WHIP, 49 Ks in 37 2/3 IP and 7 saves. Are you kidding me?! Grey hearts Soriano. (Somewhere Ryan Franklin says, “What’s a guy got to do to get some love ’round here?)

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks. I have two problems with Happsterdam. 1) His home park and 2) He’s a rookie. It worries me. You do what you do.

Russell Branyan – HR yesterday. Lately, he’s seemed more like the Branyan we’re used to as he goes one-for-four with a homer here and there. Well, you shouldn’t have expected a .300+ average from him anyway.

Mark Buehrle – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER. 3.09 ERA on the year. I always end up with this guy on at least one team, but, alas, not this year.

Derrek Lee – 2 HRs, 7 RBIs. Your Buddy Lee was almost the title for today’s roundup. But I decided against it cause Lee bores me. Is he back? I don’t think he ever went anywhere. He just stopped stealing bases. He can hit 4-6 homers/month and bat .300. So you’re looking at a 75/25/85/.300 hitter. Decent, but short of exciting.

Bobby Abreu – 2 HRs as he finally recovered from the 2005 Home Run Derby. Abreu’s good for another 10 homers the rest of the way. Don’t expect more.

Garrett Jones – HR yesterday. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. You can hardly wait! Yes, you can. No? How about yes? Ah, I thought so. Persuasion ain’t just a Jane Austen novel!

Mets – Turns out they were staying at the same hotel in Pittsburgh as a Furries convention. It’s fitting because the Mets have been screwing the pooch.

Fernando Tatis – 3-for-4, 4 Runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. Last night, his Mom must’ve been a praying Tatis.

Damn Grey. I just spit Lucky Charm shrapnel all over my keyboard thanks to the Mets comment. Now I’m going to have to leave my mom’s basement to get a new one and you know how I hate personal interaction.

How to find him ? – Let me tell you friends, how do you get there! You take the San Diego Freeway to the Ventura Freeway. You drive to the Slauson Cutoff, get out of your car, cut off your Slauson, get back in your car, then you drive six miles till you see the Giant Neon Vice-Squad Cop then you would arrive at “the fork in the road”.

@Mr Baseball: First you bring us the ‘roid list, and now this? Mr. Baseball, I tip my cap to you. Today’s big questions: how many Furries-approved condoms fit in that smiley face murse and what do you think their “safe word” was? Oh yeah, one more….should I start Slowey ag. the Detroit Furries today?

@mgeoffriau: Don’t tempt me with your black magic! Haha i just got Johan in a trade so now I have C-Bills Gollardo and Johan along with a bunch of spot starters. I’m desperately trying to lower my whip & era from a bunch of early on beatings so my plan is to fire those 3 ace’s everytime and spot start the best situations of my other 4 starters. Good idea?

@timSTi: That’s a good plan…..I went the other way, traded off the pieces I didn’t feel good about, so now I basically start everyone on my staff all the time. Vazquez, Zambrano, Slowey, Baker, Scherzer, and Randy Wells. Peavy sitting on my DL. Stupidly dropped Jordan Zimmerman to get Dan Meyer a few days ago…wish I’d dropped Kyle Blanks instead.

good stuff….derrek lee for furcal? think furcals value will increase with the return of manny?

I have a potential trade of dlee and haren for howard that i will find out over the weekend….if that doesnt go through would you take the gamble on furcal or look elsewhere…I too have e.cabrera at SS, but dont have the luxury of alexei

@Anon: I’d drop any of those guys for Meche. He threw a bunch of pitches in Minnesota, so I wouldn’t risk starting him against Detroit on Monday, but after he gets some rest over the All-Star Break, he looks like a good candidate for a strong finish.

@Mr Baseball:Ha! Perhaps Gil can get the CSI crew to look for DNA samples. I remember that when Kris Benson pitched for the Mets, his hot wife, former Playboy model Anna, threatened to make it with the entire Mets squad if she found out he was cheating on her. Furries can get away with murder…

Grey-Praying Tatis – Ha! why does it always seem to be that a pitcher can have a dozen decent starts, until I pick him up? Such happened with Correia yesterday. Today I have all my chips on Gaudin… we shall see. I saw “Muscle Russell”, Ken Singleton’s moniker, hit a true monster shot – 450 ft, beyond the monuments. I picked up Branyan early on several teams; can’t really complain what he does the rest of the year, as he has already produced far beyond my expectations.

@AL KOHOLIC: No problemo. I had him stashed on two teams. Should be a big event at Petco tonight; he will be greated by Harry the Heckler, a Pod legend, and thousands of Dodger supporters; perhaps draped with dreads. Manny’s comment: “I didn’t kill nobody, I didn’t rape nobody, so that’s it, I’m just going to come and play the game,” Ramirez said.

@Paulie Allnuts: with or without roids,he is great,but i dont like him,this roid thing is an era,most great players have done them in this era,remember the old colorado teams ?3 or 4 guys hitting 330 40 hr`s

I have this new theory I suppose where in keeper leagues there are players who’s value grows immensely during the offseason. A 2nd half performer like Alexei Ramirez last year went from pick up fodder to obvious keeper/4th round pick. I’m trying to find some of these in a keeper league to acquire now before their value is fully realized when everyone decides their keepers. So far I have thought of:

Shin Shoo Choo- A full season of hr/sb looks a lot sexier than what it is currently
Ben Zobrist- Kind of an obvious one, but 30 hr at 2b would make him an insanely high pick in drafts.
Ubaldo Jiminez- On pace for like 12 wins 180 ks and fine ERA and Whip. Better than guys last season like Wainwright and Cain.

@bpasinko: keep an eye on this padre ss cabrera,stole 70 last year in minors,if he can hit,reimold?maybe not in that class but ive got a feeling if colorado trades someone from thier outfield saga that seth smith will take a big leap in the 2nd half

ok, so i have jose lopez and asdrubal cabrera, right now i have lopez at 2nd and cabrera in the utility slot.
i know there are better batters out there so i dont really want to hold on to both.
who should i drop, and do you think i could get anybody with a trade for one of these guys?

Now that Manny’s back, who sits down among Matt Kemp, Curtis Granderson, Andre Ethier, and Bobby Abreu? I was planning to sit Bobby until those two HR’s last night. Now, I’m not sure, but I know whatever I do will be annoying. Thoughts?

I know it’s early for deciding the better 2010 keeper value… but I’m looking to trade 1 of these 2 SP’s to get offensive help. Which would you guys value more, keeping Wainwright in the 17th round or keeping Slowey in the 19th? I know Razzball nation loves them some Wainey & he looked filthy on Wednesday. But Slowey is moving away from the homer dome to a new outdoor park in Minny next year, just turned 25 yrs old, great k:bb, etc. Appreciate the feedback.

I have Santana, Billingsley, Halladay, Scherzer, Hanson, Price, Floyd and Liriano as my pitching staff and can only start 5 per week. I have 1 empty roster spot and I’m decided whether to pick up Jordan Zimmerman or Clay Buchholtz… I’m thinking that with the 7 pitchers I already have, I’d never use Zimmerman… but if/when buchholz gets brought up, I could get some great value out of him. What do you think gray?

@joe: I’d take Zimmermann over Price or Hanson right now. He’s outpitched both of them over the past month (though Hanson’s had some lucky wins), and he’s got better peripherals as well — better BB%, better K/BB, better HR/9, better GB%. Young & talented pitchers are obviously hard to project, but I feel that Zimmermann is the safest bet out of those three for the rest of the season.

Do you like Slowey slightly better b/c of being able to keep him in the lower round? Or do you see a higher upside w/ him. For what it’s worth I can keep Slowey in the 19th for 2010, 16th for 2011 & then he goes back into the draft pool.

Also I read during ST that the new Minny ballpark is rumored to be pitching friendly, or at least give up fewer HR’s than the homerdome. Since Slowey’s biggest issue is the long ball the new park might take 1/2 run off his era. Before games are played there I’m assuming that any forecasts on that are about as accurate as the 10-day weather forecast in Boston.