5 Ways to Screw Up the Dating Game

Janie Ho

Dating is a strange thing: You open yourself up to a complete stranger …to potentially be a big player in your life.Yet you totally don’t know this person. Imagine the biggest jerk from high school who had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Chances are, if you met this person out one night, you would have no sense of what a crappy person she could really be. Sometimes, it’s just not your fault when someone else sucks. But you can safeguard against some pitfalls. After all, if you are a better dater, you’ll attract better dates. So here you go.

1. Texting in the Middle of the Night.

Yeah, yeah. We’re oh-so-flattered that you think of us in the dead of night – when you’re lonely, out drinking, lusting for us in every annoying girl you talk to. Except no, we’re not.

Anyone over the age of 19 knows that texting is the easiest way for guys to string along a bevy of meaningless flings with minimal effort.

So if you actually like a girl, text her during “normal people” hours. First thing in the morning, she might think she’s the first thing on your mind. Late night is obnoxious. But the afternoon/early evening is a safe bet that you’re in a proper state of mind.

As for time frame between texts: If you like her, reply quickly. Girls on the other hand are allowed a lag time. We’re primming to look cute and sexy for you, after all.

2. Off The Boat Emails.

Unless you’re munching on some new-found American freedom fries and waiting for a visa, then at least pretend thatyou learned a damn thing in school.

If a girl writes a dating profile or an email in perfectly normal English, don’t respond with “HEY WATS UP SEXY HOW U DOIN IM JOE. U GOT AIMM OR MSN” (taken from an actual email). Delete.

We can’t all write for the Times, fine. But surely, you must know someone who speaks English. If that doesn’t work, then look at what your competition’s writing and build on that. No harm in benefiting from other people’s intelligence.

3. Last Minute Dates

Not to be confused with “Insta-Dates,” cleverly coined by “The Game” author, Neil Strass, where you take a girl out directly from the venue where the two of you just met – bypassing all cheesy innuendos and misconstrued dating game crap in between. That, dear lads, is genius.

No, last-minute dates are waiting until your plans fall through, or when you see that clearly nothing else better will come along, and then asking a girl what she’s up to. One winner once texted a girl – whom he had never met – at 10 p.m. on a Friday night to say that he was putting in a DVD, if she wanted to join him. Douche.

You may not be a jerk. But too bad – the real jerks screwed things up for you, so now you have to play on their turf. Make plans at least a day or two in advance. And if you must cancel last-minute, don’t ever do it by text … with a smiley face. You need to grow a pair eventually. Might as well start now.

4. $30,000 Millionaires

Notice how top sports players always credit their entire team for a great game? A star jock may think his team is totally useless, but he’s at least trained to say otherwise. Why? Because if he doesn’t, he’ll come off as a prick. Learn from this.

Don’t brag — about your job, about your money, about your baby mama. Nothing. You’ll come off boring, insecure or as an exaggerator, all of which you may not be. You may want to impress her, but in some twisted way, it’s more exciting if that info comes out on its own. This is not like an interview where you need to sell yourself … right now.

Girls want to see how good you can make them feel about themselves. So look amazed by the fact that she can do anything looking as good as she does. Isn’t it better when people just happen to find out how irresistible you are, anyway? If a girl is smart and not totally self-absorbed, she’ll find out about your accolades. We always do.

5. Baby, Baby, Baby

It didn’t work for Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, à la Reese Witherspoon’s slamming the door in his face, so this sweet talk won’t work for you. Guys like to feel comfortable with the girls they like, whereas girls want guys to stay on edge a little so you don’t stop “trying.” So save the “hun,” “sweetheart,” and “babe” for a little down the line. Otherwise, you’ll come off like a douche. And we generally don’t care for those. Sorry, honey.