Crazy Joe Mclosky is polling 12 points behind Incumbent Barack Obama in the latest Iowa straw poll. Mclosky is fast becoming known across Iowa as a shrewd negotiator. Said a local Des Moinian, "I went to Crazy Joe's just to look at a car for my daughter, I ended up buying three used Dodge Darts and a jet ski motor."

According to a USA Today poll of democratic voters, the thing they look most for in a candidate is "ability to negotiate" followed closely by "Wanting to share a Martini with him/her/it."

When reached for comment, Crazy Joe instead made me an offer on a timeshare in Boca Raton I just couldn't pass up. If you're wondering what qualifies Crazy Joe to be president, well, just look at this brochure. Boca Raton looks so nice. I bet the women there are freaky but in a classy way. No more handjobs on a subway for this reporter.