MINOR IRRITATIONS OF LIFE – THEY ALL ADD UP

I have the worst eyes in the world. Well, maybe not in the world, but certainly pretty bloody shit eyes.

I’ve worn glasses since I was thirteen. I was the kid at school with lenses thicker than Lee Ryan from Blue. For some reason at that age, I chose to wear read and gold tinted frames that made me look like Dennis Taylor’s lovechild. And ever since, year on year, my eyes have got steadily worse.

Today I wear contact lenses. Each year I go to the optician hoping that my eyes will have ‘evened out’ and not deterioated even further. But each year I am disappointed.

Only people with shit eyesight will know what it’s like fumbling your way to the bathroom each morning, fuzzy eyed and blinky. Only people with shit eyesight will know what it’s like to hit the very pinnacle of tiredness on public transport, and know that you cannot shut your eyes for fear of waking up with dried plastic contact lenses stuck to your retina. Only people with shit eyesight will have genuinely considered laser eye surgery, which does actually involve a person shooting a fucking laser into your eyes. A LASER!

This is how desperate we are for a solution. A solution to the problem of shit eyesight. We need help. We need a miracle. And we need it now. If my eyes keep going downhill, soon I’ll need a dog and a white stick, and that’s even worse than looking like a relative of a former snooker champion. So please, somebody, HELP ME.