It’s been a bit of a rough start to the New Year. Really, the challenges and stress started around the holidays, so I’ve been doing my best to navigate them for a few months now. I am someone who compartmentalizes — something I think is a useful tool when dealing with many demands, but something that can also be an unhealthy means of avoidance.

At some point, I simply ran out of compartments and began using food once again to numb my emotions. I mean, really, who wants to feel scared, sad, or angry on top of all the shit life can throw at you?

So I get into that cycle: Uncomfortable emotions come up, I eat sugar and carbs to stuff them down. Then I feel like crap emotionally and physically, so I beat myself up for eating the junk. The beating myself up creates more uncomfortable emotions, which sends me for the sugar and carbs to stuff them down, and round and round we go.

Sound familiar?

One day last week, I had had enough and decided to not allow myself to eat any sugar or carbs. Little Kerri resisted BIG TIME at first because it meant she was going to have to feel some shit, so I also committed to a short stint of journaling each day (about 10 minutes). This baptism-by-fire approach brought me face-to-face with my struggle.

And what did I realize at the end of that day?

Not only was I reminded that I can handle difficult feelings, but my mental health shot through the roof! With good food and exercise (fortunately, at this point in my journey, exercise is a give-in), I felt amazing. I thought that I was eating like crap because I was feeling like crap emotionally, but actually, I was feeling like crap emotionally because I was eating like crap.

The demon I was avoiding wasn’t so scary after all. She was much more terrifying in my mind, but once I took action to show her who truly is the boss, she shriveled right up.

Over the past couple years of my health journey, I’ve really worked on not turning to food when the going got tough, so I was baffled why this period of time was challenging me so much. But this spiral didn’t start from an emotional place like past ones had. I began making poor food choices out of convenience (running holiday errands, etc) that then led to me beating myself up after the holidays for continuing to eat poorly, which led to more bad eating.

It’s a subtle difference, which is what made it so tough for me to put my finger on it. Honestly, it’s still not crystal clear, but it’s clear enough for me to right my course.

So what’s your takeaway from this? To be aware that things aren’t always as they seem; that history can sometimes blur your vision. If you find yourself falling into an old pattern and can’t seem to pull out of it, consider the possibility of a different cause. Or, at the very least, a new slant on an old cause.

It’s incredible what new eyes can see.

Care to share your thoughts on all of this? I’d love to hear them! Join the conversation in the comments below.

Oh my gosh Kerri you just summed up what I am going through. After 19 months of struggling through breast cancer and treatment and then a year of therapy to work through what I thought was the breast cancer aftermath but it was that and more. I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE OLD PATTERNS and intense feelings. I literally just sent an email to my therapist and came clean with the struggle (I was hiding it from him – knowing him he knew already but oh well. Now I have spoken this.) Like you I think a lot of my feeling crappy has to do with my lousy eating habits. Thank you for sharing this you gave me a semblance of hope and comfort od knowing I am not alone.

Thanks for sharing, Barbara. You are so not alone! It seems when life deals us some tough curveballs, we default to old coping mechanisms, even if they’re not the best choices for us. BRAVA for being honest with your therapist. That took a lot of guts and showed Little Barbara that you really care! If I may make another suggestion: Do some journaling about your feelings. You can either just vent or you can give Little Barbara a prompt, like, “Tell me about these intense feelings”. It’ll feel great to just UNLOAD.

I’m sending you lots of love and light and intentions for continuing improved health.

Hi Kerri – this article really spoke to me! I feel like I’ve been dealing with the same pesky demon for years! You should do a course on this one – I’m sure so many people can relate. And I need some practical steps and reminders on how to face my demons. I don’t know why they are so scary – but I think talking about in a group might help us face these demons head on! I find myself running away or doing anything to avoid them. I know I could use the help. Just an idea!

Thanks for chiming in. Damn demons! So if this demon of yours has been hanging around for a while, what’s the payout to having it around? What purpose is it serving? Those things that we say we want rid of most but are the hardest to eliminate are definitely playing an important role in our lives, or we’d get rid of them.

Imagine your life without this demon. Is there anything that feels scary or intimidating about it?

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