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Breaking Bad... With My Printer

This week's blog is my rant against the weakest link in everyone's office: THE PRINTER.

You're
trying to get an important document in the mail and the computer,
mouse, and monitor all do their jobs without complaining -- but the
printer goes, "No! Error! I'm jammed! I'm out of ink! I don't like the cheap OEM ink cartridges. It's my time of the month."

At
first I thought I got a great deal on my printer. (Cheaper than most
high-end inkjets, with a nice fax and scanner thrown in as a bonus.)

But
-- then I get my first "low ink" message. I go online looking for a
solution -- and I find out how much the set of cartridges cost. OMG!
It's twice what the printer cost ... and I'll be paying that every month!

Printer
manufacturers have become like drug dealers. They give you a little
cheap taste, and then you're hooked and emptying your bank accounts
because you're jonesing for cyan. They've got you -- and now there's no
way out.

(No wonder the ink cartridges at Staples are kept behind locked cabinets; they're like Oxycontin at a pharmacy.)

I
tried to get those special syringes and shoot up my printer full of
cheap ink, only to end up with magenta all over my hands, looking like a
scene from Dexter. I didn't want to get ink all over the carpet -- so I
went outside with the rest to the alley.

That's when it hits me: they started me off with free starter cartridges, and now -- I'm in an alley holding a syringe. Damn you, ink pushers! Damn you! I've hit bottom. "Hello, I'm Judy and I'm powerless over Epson."

And while I'm at it -- why the fancy ink names: Magenta? Cyan?

Why
does printer ink have the same names that hippy parents give their
kids? Is the pusher who came up with these names the same stoner who
names yellow crayons "Burnt Sienna"?

Drug culture has its fingerprints all over this industry!

If the printer was an employee, he would be marched right down to HR and drug tested.

"So,
Mr. Epson, when you first applied for the job of printer, your resume
stated you could do twenty two pages a minute - but your supervisor Judy
says you've never done better than twelve. You claim to be fluent in
WiFi ... but I'm just across from the desk from you -- and I can't even
connect."

37 comments:

I hear you. I have been here many times as I am the tech support for the family.

My solution is to purchase the laser printers now, black and white for those who don't care and the slightly more expensive colour laser.

It comes with a starter toner but prints at least 1000 pages 1st. Toners can be $100+ but you don't have to deal with them as often. And there is no syringe. Only drawback is the inability to print highend photo quality.

I cured that problem by having 2 printers, one mono laser for my everyday printing and the color 4 in 1 for special jobs.I just wish i could get rid of the mountain of paper advertising I have to sort through each day. At least the email is easy to delete and doesn't kill trees.

Oh. I thought that only in Argentina the cartridges costed twice much than the printer itself, but it seems it is a global problem.I solved it buying a B/W laser printer. The toner cartridge may cost a little more but after seven years I only had to change it twice (in fact, one wasn't a change but a recharge), so I saved a lot of money in the long run.

But, of course, without a inkshot printer I am short of comedy material and you are not.

Have you experienced the printer solidarity? Where your primary printer goes down and then all the other backup printers suddenly jam, run out of ink or otherwise refuse to produce. So much for your redundancy systems, your mini mortgage stock of back-up ink and the box of expensive - 28lb - $14.99 a ream - extra bright paper- guaranteed not to jam paper - you bought in an effort to be prepared any printing menstruation issues.

Which leaves you in the hands of the "like I care" employees at Office Depot or whatever Kinkos is called these days.

By the time you get your "xerox" copies you are so relieved your only slightly irritated that they are crooked and printed on paper slightly heavier than toilet paper! Then you get to wait for Mr. Bad Attitude to pay your seemingly absorbant bill.

At times like this I have to remind myself that even with all this hassle and aggravation it is so much better (and cheaper) than it use-to-be.

I save money by buying my printer cartridges from a guy in a raincoat at the corner of 4th and Walnut, or I mail-order them from Canada. And I always buy in quantity, so when I need a fix I'm never in a jam. I just make sure to allow time to get into my safe. With these simple steps I avoid getting the blues (sky mist).

I wish I had your ability to not only see the humor in annoying situations, but be able to come up with the jokes that go with them. It seems effortless for you. Maybe that's why you're an artist. We don't see the hard work behind the scenes. Thanks for today's laughter fix.

Yeah, ditto on the laser printer idea. I have been using a B&W laser for the past three years and I have never had to change the toner. Any time I want to print photos I just email them to Walgreens and then I get them on real photo paper, not printed with ink. Laser toner is burned into the paper and doesn't run like ink ...much more professional.

This is why you always do a back ground check before you hire a printer. They lie! I love when you finally find the printer you want, take it up to the register to purchase it, and the guy behind the counter says "do you want ink to go with that". And I'm like, "are you implying I'm about to purchase a printer that doesn't have any god damn ink in it". "We'll sir they come with enough ink for about ten copies". Well then I guess I'll need some ink, won't I....how much is the fu**ing ink for this brand new printer that I haven't even left the store with yet?"Do you want all four colors"? Ahhh, no just three colors please, the color red scares me! "Are you kidding or does red really scare you"?All four colors please!"$69.99 for the color cartridge".Are you fu**ing kidding me, the printer is $79.99?"No sir". My god....so now instead of me thinking I'm getting a nice printer for 80 bucks, I'm actually spending $150.00?"Yes sir....did you need black ink as well"?Please tell me Alan Funt, Astin Kutcher, or John Quinuonis is about to come walking out of some god damn where!

I just can't understand why printers still cause all these nightmares.C'mon they've been invented for years and years, but they still do the same stuff - JAM, give unreadable error messages and stop when you need them.I for one hate printers. I had a good laugh to myself reading your rant - Thank god it's not just me eh?

Judy I read your post and chuckled, while comedic I am sure your post was mostly true. I think we are all handcuffed to the ink dealers some days...

As for Epson, if you find the right one they do very well printing DVD / CD blanks.. That means I can create product although slowly in the office... Ink is refilled at wallgreens for a quarter of the price that I have to spend on a new cartrige. The best part is no ink on my fingers... As for printing I save as much as possible as a PDF and only print when I need to. Justin James.Americas wildest Hypnotist

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Welcome to my blog. I’ve created this to share insights, exercises, tips, and ideas to assist others in having a successful speaking career. I find that my Ah-Ha’s! have lead to “Ha-Ha’s.” This blog takes off where my books, "The Message of You" and “The Comedy Bible” end. I’m hoping that you will find some gems that you can use in your own career, and hopefully others will contribute their ideas and let me know when I’m full of it. Read on.

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