Monday, 1 September 2008

Uniform standards in all poker tournaments, rules which say you have to be very nice indeed and no short blind levels which give fish a chance to win - that was the line of the World Poker Association as they attempt to sensationally fix something which has been working just fine for many years thank you very much, erm, yesterday.

To make poker tournaments 'better' you want to create an environment where those recreational players who donate almost the entire prize pool have a lower chance of winning than the microscopic chance they already had... and they'll know it.

So, instead of having a chance of winning with their gamble playing off... they'll go sit at the blackjack tables instead. Since in the eyes of the WPA poker is a serious business in which those players who have no chance of winning should not be allowed to enter, with the entire prize pool coming from Phil Helmuth sponsored beer?

Well, we can do better than that! The MFPA (Melted Felt Poker Association) immediately calls for the following changes to the rules of a game which has been played for decades without any problems at all:

- A referee, in a stripey top, with a BIG whistle to watch the tables and issue warnings, 10 minute penalties and sendings-off for misdemeanors such as slowrolling and overlimping with aces.

- Clarification on which words are allowable when it comes to insulting opponents, for example is the use of 'Feltching' allowed or not for f^cks sake?

- Marching bands and cheerleaders during breaks and popcorn while playing.

- Blind levels that go up exclusively at 60 minute intervals, but at a rate 33% less than the WPA preferred 90 minute raises.

- A team of physio's with a bottle of 'magic spray' to dash to tables where someone has suffered a bad beat and apply immediate therapy.

- Mandatory drug tests and a ban on the consumption of alco... hang on - this post is now getting silly.