good morning bitches // 6.18.19

I am coming in HOT HOT HOT this monday morning with a full-fledged edition of good morning bitches. you want media reviews? you want links to quality investigative journalism? you want the latest on that SOB walmart yodel kid? you want a roundup of the strange stuff I find on the internet? you want budget beauty recommendations for all genders? bitch get IN here!!!

9 perfect strangers* check into a wellness retreat run by a former corporate world bigwig who had a near death experience and wants to impose her priceless wisdom on wealthy stressed australians. alright, I’m on board! here’s the deal about this one: by the time I was 5 chapters in, I was already planning my glowing review to write in GMB. and then, by the end, I was……disappointed. I would still absolutely suggest it—especially the audiobook because, hello, australian accents—but I went into it thinking it was going to be a thriller, and it ended up being more of an introspective character development-focused novel. which is great and all, but I just like a little fictional murder here and there ya feel?

podcast that made me do a thorough check of my doors and windows:

the man in the window is of course the golden state killer aka the east area rapist aka the original night stalker aka a half dozen other nicknames. I always knew this dude (Joseph D’Angelo) was horrid, but the way his stories are told from the victims’ interviews is absolutely downright terrifying. I listen to true crime podcasts all the time, and this one sent chills down my spine while I drove at night. BUT it’s a delightful piece of journalism and is beautifully produced. the LA time kills the longform/podcast game.

well now that we’re on the subject of crime:

as a devoted fan of weird news and true crime, I have read more stories than I can count about men in florida doing weird shit. after years of “florida man” stories spreading like wildfire across social media, people have naturally come to assume that people in florida are simply downright insane. and while that might be true (orlando humidity would absolutely drive me to the brink of insanity), the “florida man” phenomenon is much more a result of the state’s Sunshine Law, which grants journalists FAR more access to police reports than in other states. the law is great in theory—granting the public more access to information is always a good idea—but in our world of clickbait articles, its largely led to the exploitation of people suffering from drug addiction, mental illness, and homelessness. this article by the columbia journalism review examines the consequences of “true crime” news as entertainment:

niche twitter account of the week:

a small but mighty curation of behind the scenes moments from 2020 election campaigning. the account recently picked up some steam for posting this absolutely hysterical video of senator kirsten gillibrand (D-NY) attempting to be woke during pride month:

niche facebook group of the week:

this title is pretty self explanatory. this group is a couple hundred thousand people strong, and manages to unearth everything from rare paintings to dressers lined with decoupaged photos of chris pine to vintage sex toys, but THIS is one of my favorites:

oh, and also THIS:

ok actually I have one more niche fb group of the week:

you might recall that my cat went semi viral after his fame in the fat-cat-praising group “THIS CAT IS C H O N K Y”. well, several spinoff groups have been created to honor cats that are S L O N K Y (skinny), N A K E Y (hairless), P O N K Y (tiny fluffy cuties)… but now, I am an official member of the ultimate spinoff group:

yes it is literally just photos of cats in cowboy hats

speaking of honky tonky…

that SOB walmart yodel kid is back with an annoyingly catchy new single with a music video that is every level of cringe imaginable.

imagine you’re a young actress, desperate for your first gig, and when your agent calls with you big break…. it’s to be mason ramsey’s way-too-old-for-him love interest:

clearly mason has some confidence though, as he had no problem with his gal having a good four inches on him:

drugstore beauty recs:

I’m not sure if it’s my laziness of not wanting to drive half an hour to nordstrom or my valiant attempts to be frugal, but I have been ALL about finding drugstore replacements for my honestly embarrassingly expensive skincare routine. last week I praised the garnier moisturizer, but I wanted to give this next one an extra week of test runs before I could fully sing its praises…

I am an eye cream junkie, and this 13 dollar product absolutely meets my incredibly high standards. It is VERY moisturizing, so if you use it in the morning make sure to give yourself several minutes before applying makeup.

also PSA to the like 4 men who read this…. take care of your face. moisturize. use eye cream. please. your present and future romantic partners will thank you, especially when you’re 60 with the eyes of a 35 year old.

there is no bigger ripoff in this world than my former favorite razor, the Venus Embrace. 14 bucks for one razor, $25 for a 5 cartridge pack!!! but it was all I ever knew, so I never strayed… until I happened upon a delightfully designed side aisle display at target for flamingo. and baby i am NEVER going back!!! i’m talking, the smoothest shave i’ve ever had. i’m talking, the nicest smelling shave gel in the world. I’M TALKING — 6 BUCKS FOR 4 CARTRIDGES!!!! also if you’re a man who absolutely must have a traditionally ~masculine~ looking razor, flamingo is made by Harry’s, so you can have your damned navy blue and army green colors with the same quality blade.

my latest internet venture…

it is with a heavy heart that I announce I will now be devoting some of my time previously reserved for GMB to a new passion project: highlighting the absolute atrocities inside the WGN vending machine.

so yeah, to all you advertising professionals out there, complaining about your job while surrounded by bevi machines and free ice cream and beer kegs and margarita thursdays….LOOK AT THIS INSTAGRAM AND BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR OFFICE.

love u anyway WGN <3

wellp, I think that’s all I’ve got for ya this time around. It’s been one helluva week/weekend, as my mom was admitted to a hospice care center for a few days for pain management. (yes, I brought barbara to see her)

she is back home now, but every day seems to bring some sort of complication (not even strictly medical…I’m looking at you, raw sewage leaking in my basement). as usual, I am grateful for all you lovely people who read this, and who don’t mind when I, without fail, forget to respond to your texts. one day, in my paradise future when I have no stress, I promise I will be the most prolific texter of them all!!!