Lion in winter almost misses his main chance

Trade and industry questions, and it was a joy to see my old friend Michael Fabricant on the Tory frontbench.

Mickey's progression to world statesman continues apace. Yesterday he was wearing his winter hair. This has a floppy bit at the back, which curls over his collar rather as if Sherlock Holmes had acquired a bri-nylon deer stalker. There were only four Tories on the front bench, so there was an excellent chance that Mickey would be able to speak.

We waited excitedly. On the government side Patricia Hewitt, the trade and industry secretary, was using her catchphrase: "My hon friend is absolutely right." She uses this around half a dozen times a session.

Sometimes she varies it for the Tories: "The hon member is absolutely right." Both of these mean "they are following the government line."

The opposite terminology is "I understand the hon member's concerns." This means "the hon member is completely wrong and should go and stick himself in a fridge like that £28,000 truffle that went rotten this week in a London restaurant."

Michael Fabricant brushed his shirt with his hand. He didn't want cascading crumb misery to spoil his great day.

Mark Prisk complained about something called "carousel fraud", whatever that is. Ms Hewitt replied that it was all a matter of swings and roundabouts, or words to that effect.

Mickey took out a pen and tapped it on his order paper in an authoritative fashion. James Arbuthnot, another Tory spokesperson, pointed out that the Chinese government had a less rigorous approach to intellectual property rights than we did.

"The hon member is ab solutely right!" fluted Ms Hewitt, and Mickey nodded his head in agreement.

The subject moved on to the closure of post offices, specifically those in the Cotswolds, the idyllic countryside which calls Geoffrey Clifton-Brown its representative.

Apparently post offices are as rare in that neck of the woods as Mongolian yurts. Mr Clifton-Brown felt the few that remained should be able to improve their takings by selling more government services.

Ms Hewitt was appalled, and a mad mini-debate ensued. "Most customers," she said, "can take direct bus services into the main branch in the centre of Cirencester!"

We had a vision of the bus crashing through the doors, dropping old persons to collect their pensions right at the counter.

Tories were equally cross. "Get yer maps out!" one of them yelled. It could be a new football chant: "Maps out for the lads!"

Ms Hewitt was flustered. "I am sure they will find an alternative in the Tesco in Wooton-under-Edge," she said, and I thought vaguely that the great parliament which represents the mother of all parliaments had come to this.

It was nearly midday and there was no sign of Mickey getting a word in. "I understand the hon member's concerns," said Ms Hewitt sympathetically to someone. Nicholas Winterton pointed out that the CAP was highly inefficient. "The hon gentleman is absolutely right," said Ms Hewitt. Mickey yawned and rubbed his eyes. Time was running out.

Suddenly he was in the back, back on the backbenches again! Chris Bryant asked about pensions. "My hon friend is absolutely right," said the trade secretary.

Mickey at last got his chance, though as a mere foot soldier. He asked why there were not more female engineers.

I think his hair gets much whiter in winter, in the same way as a stoat's coat turns into a lovely lustrous ermine.