UFC 155 primer: emaciated dudes in tiny underwear

It’s time to get excited, people. Tonight, beginning at 6:30 ET on Facebook, then 8:00 on FX, then 10 on pay per view the UFC brings us their final card of 2012, featuring some great match-ups, and headlined by Junior Dos Santos vs Cain Velasquez for the title of baddest man on the planet. It doesn’t even matter that it’s an uninteresting narrative being told by the nicest guy in the world vs the quietest guy in the world. No hype is necessary here. The heavyweight championship sells itself.

The weigh-ins went down last night, and nothing gets a fight fan more geared up to watch some controlled violence than near-naked guys in teensy undergarments. The UFC’s newest bonus, ‘Ass-Cheeks of the Night,’ goes to Alan Belcher, for his pinkish panties that were so small the bottom part of his butt-cheeks were horribly visible.

Other notable moments:

Dana White and Joe Rogan were clearly involved in a pissing contest over who had the cooler t-shirt – with Rogan sporting the vintage Pride and Dana rocking his Nick ‘The Tooth’ shirt. For the actual shirt I give the edge to Dana, only because Nick ‘The Tooth’ is fucking awesome and would rather lick someone else’s old gum than eat a jalapeno pepper. But what with his sleeve tats Rogan just looks a lot cooler, and pretty much anyone who’s so ripped they can actually pull off an extra small from the boys department has to get the nod.

Michael Johnson rolled out with a backpack so gigantic it seemed he was getting ready for a month-long hike across Europe. Not sure what that was about, and it wasn’t particularly cool, but hey, it left an impression, however weird.

Melvin Guillard showed up like a caged animal, dying to get at Jamie Varner who Mel feels intentionally made himself horribly sick two weeks ago because he was afraid to face him, yet is here now to fight. The fact that Mel had gigantic blue socks on made the scene all the more comical.

Erik Perez rolled out in a Mexican Hannibal Lecter mask, aka a luchador, looking to rally support for the UFC’s push into Mexico, but the culturally significant moment was stolen from him when Keith Kizer told him he had to remove it before stepping onto the scale to verify it was actually Perez weighing in and not some fill in.

Derek Brunson had a rough 2012, describing it as worst year of his life. What with the demise of Strikeforce, and losing both his fights in 2012, the ridicule associated with being a high-school cheerleader (even though those guys probably get more bush than the captain of the football team), not to mention being a relatively unknown fighter who probably just broke the poverty threshold, it’s hard to not root for Brunson. Due to Karlos Vemola’s misfortune, Brunson got the call to step up to the big stage to fight on the main card of a huge event against a big name opponent. And how did Derek introduce himself to UFC fans? By kissing his biceps after making weight. Yes, Brunson seems like a generally good dude, and is indeed an interesting character, but God I hope he gets knocked out.

That’s about it for my ridiculous observations. Check it out for yourself.