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a clusterfuck of words

Tag Archives: reckless

I was once asked if I would ever track you down,or even if I wanted to meet you; Lex knows how I feel about you but he still had to ask.

I thought it would have be easier, you’ve done nothing for me, but instead a lump formed in my throat and my heart broke a little when i said fuck no.

Why would I?

I can’t even remember your face,let alone voice.

I do remember the last we spoke- I don’t remember the words you said but I know I hung up on you and never spoke to you again.

I won’t admit that I think about you from time to time; I remember the mural by what I assume was your home,do you still live there?

Or if you had another family,do I have half siblings out there somewhere?

I’d never admit that jealousy was my best friend during my younger years;seeing fathers with their children, enjoying themselves- I told myself over and over that it didnt matter, it was okay.

I used to ask mother about you but she must have hated you as much as I did because I never got a straight answer, only ever saying your name once.

What did you do?

Why did you give up so easily?

Its fucking hard to admit that I did need you. I hate myself for it and I hate you. You gave up.

Writing this, shit, I never thought I would; I dont even know why I am- you’ll never see it,is making me feel slightly better.

For years I acted out recklessly, craving an attention I would never get, even know,destroying everything in my path;putting relationships at risk.

But I’m finally starting to realize it wasn’t in my control, I don’t know what you did and I dont care. I don’t say that I forgive you because I don’t think I can(you’ll go back into the forget box until someone asks me about you)but I understand, you did what you had to do.

I do thank you for not being there since I am the person I am today without you. I may not like myself all the time and have some issues but I wouldn’t trade it for a single day with you.