Celebrate Diversity! Celebrate f-ing Diversity! I hate diversity! I hate hyphenated names! Diversity is like some weird new Proggie religion and we’re all supposed to link arms and sing Koom bay ah until we puke!

“You need to become more culturally sensitive, Francois!” Hey, I got yer cultural sensitivity right here!” There’s a lot of culturally sensitive stuff that totally sucks! Like cliterectomies for little girls unlucky enough to be born in Muslim countries, like slavery in many parts of the world, like officially tolerated kiddy prostitution in some other parts of the world, like genocide and mass suicides and pogroms. They all are part of someone’s crappy culture and they all suck!

We are Americans from America. We have a culture in America that is pretty cool, despite what many people think of us. If we’re so bad, why are people swimming the Rio Grande and hiding in shipping containers and building rafts out of banana crates and digging tunnels to get here? You don’t see them doing that to sneak into, say, Iran or Ethiopia.

And to those who came here legally, learn English, celebrate the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving, join up with Team America and learn to appreciate this place the way we do. At least the way those do who realize this country’s greatness and don’t want to change it into an imitation of Europe or Canada. We used to say “America! Love it or leave it!” We should start saying that again.

And the next time someone tells you we should all celebrate diversity, point out this fact: The Balkans (you may have to show them this on the map so they don’t think it’s someplace near Canada) is the most culturally diverse place on the planet! All these little countries and all these little factions and enclaves and zones. If diversity is so freaking great, this place should be Heaven on Earth! Well, it’s not! It’s a creepy, depressing, violent armpit of a region that would not be missed if a giant sinkhole swallowed it up tomorrow morning at 5:32 AM. They have been fighting horrible wars there for centuries because they can’t stand each others’ diversity one more minute!

You want Diversity? Move to the Balkans, but bring along personal body armor for everyone in your family, including the dog.