Thursday, July 7, 2011

S.O.S.

Soooo it’s been a while since I blogged. A week? More? Let me explain.

I’ve been having a hard time. I’ve had a hard time finding the motivation to enjoy what I’m doing, and to enjoy the progress I’ve made. I’ve had a hard time finding the motivation to work out and to make healthy decisions. I’ve chosen to be social over working out, even though I said I wanted to make it a priority.

I feel burnt out. I understand the point of changing things up to make sure this doesn’t happen, but it did. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I want to drink red wine without being concerned with how many points I'm drinking, and I want to sit on the couch and watch TV. I don’t want to be responsible for myself and I want to be lazy.

And so I have done all those things. I haven’t properly hydrated or fueled my body, nor have I exercised more than a few days. My food scale hasn’t been touched in weeks, and my chocolate intake as tripled. It totally sounds like I went on a bender in Vegas a-la Charlie Sheen, but trust me when I say it was far less dramatic. I got lazy and I chose not to fight off that feeling. And I feel awful.

But I can't seem to snap out of it. I LOVE how it feels to get good and sweaty, but for some reason I cannot pull myself together to do it. It may seem ridiculous to some people. I mean how could I just NOT work out when it's easy enough to? Why not say "enough is enough" and move on? Well I've been working so hard for two and a half years and I'm tired. I'm SO close to having lost 100lbs...REALLY close...and it's taken a HUGE amount of energy and effort, and I felt like giving up. I want that for myself really badly...that's a huge milestone for me (for anyone really), but I am not going to get there if I don't get myself out of this rut.

The other part of this is that I'm frustrated. REALLY frustrated. As I said, it's been a two and a half year journey for me thus far AND I'M NOT DONE. I've always been really good at focusing on how far I've come, but this time it's hard. I'm annoyed that I'm not in the physical shape I'd like to be in, and I still don't like the way my jeans fit (even if they're 6 sizes smaller than when I started). I feel like throwing in the towel because some times I can't see it. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed and I'm still the big girl hiding myself from the world. I know that statement probably sounds crazy too, but you see yourself one way for long enough, it's hard to get past the image later on. I'm all about promoting positive self-talk, but some times we just have those days, or weeks, or in my case, whole month. I WANT to be happy with what I see in the mirror simple because it's so different, even if I have a lot more to do, but I can't seem to get there right now.

So I'm putting this out in public, out on this blog for all four of you BFF followers to read in hopes of making myself more accountable. I do not like feeling this way. I do not like knowing that I'm SO incredibly close to something and I'm the only thing standing in the way. So if you've got any tips on how to help me pull myself up by the boot straps, I'd really appreciate it. I've had ruts before, but this one is a doozie and I could use all the help I can get.

Sorry to be such a downer and to have yet another post with no pictures, but this is a serious issue for me right now, and I needed to lay it all out on the line.

1 comment:

Maddie, sometimes this just happens. Can I just say though how much of an inspiration you've been for me? Watching you completely transform has been so inspiring, it really motivated me to get on the weight loss bandwagon, too. So just know that what you've done has seriously been inspirational for someone like me!

That being said, it's okay to have these moments where you just want to honestly not give a crap for like 5 minutes (or sometimes a little longer!) But just keep your head up and remember how close you are to hitting a huge milestone! That's pretty amazing and impressive in itself.

Give yourself some time, then get back up and get back to doing your thing. We all have these kinds of moments (I'm just WAITING to have my very own slump), but your friends and supporters are there to help you back up and get you back on track.

Just remember you've got another friend over here cheering you on and also someone who definitely gets what it's like. Just hang in there, push on, and try to get back on track. You will be so proud of yourself once you do. :) Love you lady!