Parents can make a difference when it comes to encouraging their children to make healthy relationship choices down the road.

These skills don’t develop automatically — nor can you expect to cover everything your child needs to know in a one-time “facts of relationships” conversation. You’ll want to start the conversation about respectful and empathetic relationships during the preschool years, or even earlier, and to carry on that conversation throughout the teen years and beyond, says Lynn Zimmer, executive director of YWCA Peterborough, Victoria, and Haliburton, a non-profit organization that operates a secure emergency shelter for women and children fleeing abuse.

She encourages parents to consider the following question: “What values can you transmit to your children so that they are respectful and resilient — not completely compliant, and yet not doing harm to others?”

“We have to think about what relationship models we are providing for our children — to consider what they are seeing at home,” notes writer and speaker Michael Kaufman, co-founder of the White Ribbon Campaign.

Research indicates that harsh parenting — parenting that is physically or verbally abusive — affects children’s perceptions of what constitutes a loving relationship.

A study conducted at Southern Methodist University and published in Psychology of Violence this past April, noted that teenagers who have been traumatized by harsh parenting and exposure to violence in the home may be “primed to respond aggressively to negative behavior from a romantic partner, or even to ambiguous behavior that they erroneously interpret as hostile or threatening.” In other words, trauma may interfere with the brain’s ability to make sense of and to cope with conflict in a relationship.

Fortunately, there’s plenty parents can do to encourage their children to gravitate toward healthy relationships.

Understand which types of skills contribute to healthy relationships; and commit to helping your child or teenager to develop these types of skills.

“Both boys and girls need to develop belief in nonviolent conflict resolution, effective communication skills, and the ability to negotiate and adjust to stress,” anti-bullying expert and York University professor Debra J, Pepler noted in a recent article in Prevention Science.

Expect children to need some coaching as they begin to develop these all-important skills. If you’re concerned about the way your child relates to other people (your child is bossy or controlling; your child is overly meek and compliant), treat these as teachable moments. “When children make mistakes in relationship skills, the logical solution is not to punish them but to help them understand and develop perspective taking, self-regulation, and problem-solving skills throughout childhood and adolescence,” notes Pepler in Prevention Science.

Teach children to tune into and respect their gut feelings when it comes to relationships, suggests Zimmer.

Zimmer recalls a story a mother shared with her describing an experience she had while shopping with her daughter for a new bicycle. The mother abandoned the shopping trip after noticing the owner of the bike shop kept finding excuses to touch her daughter. When they were outside, the mother talked to her daughter about what she’d observed and what she wanted her daughter to remember about the incident.

“That man was weird — and that’s why we’re not buying the bicycle here,” the mother told her daughter. “I could tell from your face that he was making you really uncomfortable, too. I want you to remember that feeling and to trust that feeling. That feeling is your body telling you, ‘You need to get out of this situation right now.’ ”

And just as they need to be taught the importance of tuning into their gut instincts, children and teens also need to be taught that not every relationship can be saved, whether that relationship is with a would-be best friend or a dating partner. “Sometimes you can love someone and love the potential you see in that person, but the power of your love can’t change that person’s behaviour,” says Zimmer.

That advice rings true for Jayne, 24, who was involved in an abusive relationship during her teen years.

“I had hoped that things would change, but he never saw the situation as his problem. I was the one that ‘made him that way’ and it was always me who caused the stress, or I was doing something wrong, or my personality was wrong, or my reaction to something was wrong,” she recalls. “It took some time after the relationship ended for me to really accept that there was nothing I could have ever done. No matter what I said or did he would still blame me.”

The most important lessons our children will learn from us about love and relationships come through in what we do as opposed to what we say. As Zimmer likes to put it, “Love isn’t words — It’s actions.”

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting. Her website is www.having-a-baby.com.

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