Post navigation

Happy New Year Readers! And welcome to my newest Blog Magazine Column at the Smorgasbord. This year I’m going to be writing here about relationships – The Realms of Relationships. When Sally suggested I might like to write on this topic I was elated as all my books are about things I experienced in life, and I’m delighted to share my insights here with you all. Now don’t worry, you won’t be finding any psycho-babble here, just plain English from a lifetime of experience.

I’ve been a storyteller since I was a young child – never a fibber – not that kind of storytelling. Whenever I’d heard or ‘overheard’ something when I was young, knowing I wasn’t supposed to be privy to, of course I had to tell someone what I’d heard. I hadn’t yet learned that by not telling all, it was easier to earn trust. By the time I was 10 years old, I was solid. Anyone could tell me anything and my lips were and still are sealed. I pride myself on not being a tattler or a rat and learned to keep my observations to myself.

I was an observer of people, and I didn’t have to look much further than my own family’s behavior to learn what makes people tick. What makes some people angry and some always singing? What kinds of things have I experienced to learn the warning signs of trouble? These are just some of the topics I’ll get into, sharing from my own experience, some of the emotions, and how we react to the different relationships we have with people.

Then I’ll add an experience of my own on the topic to validate my findings. And of course, I look forward to discussion in comments.

So, let’s begin. Today’s topic we’ll start with communication. In order to make and maintain healthy relationships and keep them flourishing, not fizzling, respectful communication is essential. It isn’t just our words, but our body language we emote through our gestures, just as our silences do, the vibe we give off. A shrug denotes indifference, just as hands do waving in the air. And let’s not forget ‘a look’. Hey, I grew up with a stern mother. One scary certain look from her and I knew I’d better run for cover. A slammed door tells another story of frustration just as shouting and belittling of others does.

The old saying, ‘all is fair in love and war’ is cynical. Love isn’t always fair and there’s never anything good about war. We must learn diplomacy when faced with unpleasant situations because we don’t want to leave something hurtful behind from our voice or actions that becomes a future wedge between us and the people we’re upset with. Ranting and raving and throwing around hurtful words never helps any situation. Sure, they can be very cathartic in the short-term, but what about long-term repercussions long after the dispute? We must avoid fanning the flames in already heated moments to preserve our relationships. Even if this dispute becomes large enough that we wish to banish that person from our life or circles – don’t burn your bridges, translation: no bad-mouthing.

Nobody wants to be made to feel that they are small or insignificant by words of anger and it doesn’t serve to resolve anything except escalate an already inflammatory situation. There’s always a graceful way out. Creating bad blood has a tendency to follow us into the future. Life is a circle and we’re apt to meet up with those we’ve banished or bashed somewhere in life again, often unexpectedly – and that’s exactly it – you never know where or when. It could be through meeting other people, a job interview, an introduction to a friend who may be friends with the one you’ve banished or angered. Keep it simple and clean with a break, so those ugly repercussions don’t show up when you least expect them. And be very careful about sharing your hurt feelings on social media because that’s like pouring kerosene and lighting a match to the problem once hurtful words are spread around the cyberverse.

We must learn to convey our grievances with friends and loved ones with honesty and sincerity, explaining what is bothering us and discussing. And believe me, I know very well that some people will never learn to contain their tongues or emotions. If we’ve made the effort to discuss and are faced with the same indignation and screaming match that’s probably a sign it’s time to walk away. Sometimes silence is the healthiest answer. If we’re living under the same roof with the person we’re in conflict with, we need to take a step back, take time to sort our thoughts before we speak.

Once hurtful words are spoken, we can never take them back. If we have good relationships at home and conflict arises, a timeout gives both parties a time to reflect. Once some time has passed and the anger of the heated moment passes, it’s much easier to discuss the issue at hand. A good tip to remember is – speak without shouting or accusing. Don’t point a finger at that person and tell them what we feel they did or said wrong. Speak about your feelings, speak about what you feel has hurt you about the situation to inform the other party about what you are feeling. Nothing will ever get resolved in anger. Remember, don’t try and be logical and problem solving in the heated moment. Take that step back and let the silence cool the embers before attempting to resolve.

Similarly, if we’re conflict with a friend or co-worker, the same distance is suggested. Our relationships with loved ones and relationships with friendships outside the home can be dealt with in the same manner. But if those outside friendships have suffered familiar ongoing issues, and you are faced with a less than agreeable opponent willing to make amends or uninterested in rectifying a situation, that should be a huge flag for us to think about moving on.

Only honest discussions and having respect for other’s feelings can offer healthy solutions with minimal fallout. Using best efforts to eliminate hard feelings or scars when communicating our feelings and gripes can seem trying in the moment of conflict. Also, by not discussing our grievances and by just tolerating the issues that bother us isn’t healthy either. These issues left unattended to will only grow within us, eventually, festering and building a growing resentment for the offending person, which can become a forever wedge in the relationship if left to stew internally and not discussed. Carrying slights and unresolved grievances within us is a recipe for unhappiness. We must try to salvage issues with honest discussion. If we can’t find it in ourselves to confront the one we have issue with, we then have to find a peace within ourselves, acknowledging that we’ve tried our best to rectify to no avail, and make a decision to move on.

We must remember that every good relationship is good because we nurture it by being kind and compassionate, listening, communicating, giving and taking, and most of all respect. When we begin to feel someone stops having time for us, isn’t interested in what we have to say, is not giving back of themselves or displays no interest trying to resolve ongoing issues, it may just be time to leave.

All the above elements in a relationship are the parts we must nurture to keep them solid. This is the work I refer to. I use the word work, but we can easily replace it with effort. If we don’t put in the effort to maintain good relationships, we can’t expect them to last. Simple as that.

~ ~ ~

Later on in this series I’ll delve into some specific relationships we have with people – parents, spouses, friends, children, etc., and talk about what makes them good, warning signs, and steps and actions to take to avoid unpleasant occurrences in our relationships and how to deal with them..

My PHD is life, and my life has been a quite colorful one to say the least when it comes to my life experiences. I grew up as a very insecure, emotionally scarred little girl. My childhood and teenage years were spent observing. I began reading self-help books in efforts to make some sense of my slights in life and trying to better myself and my self-esteem. I did some crazy things along the way, to say the least, but I didn’t really have any teachers, only the will to learn, the desire to feel better about myself, my compassion for others, and the things I witnessed from a young age that children should not have to witness. I wrote a book about some of those things I witnessed, learned and experimented with to help better myself and grow a self-esteem – Words We Carry.

I hope you will all enjoy my new series delving into relationships, and I look forward to you sharing your stories, comments and/or questions here monthly at Sally’s Smorgasbord Blog Magazine.

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes: “Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

This is the second book (but certainly not the last) that I have read by Debby Kaye. In “Conflicted Hearts,” the first of her books that I read, I was amazed at the transparency in which she opened her life to readers. That approach proved effective in helping me to connect with her. I took away much from that reading experience, as I did with this one, “Words We Carry.” In WWC, Debby does it again – bares her life. Using excerpts from her childhood, teenage and young adult years, Debby shares some of the hurtful, shaming and neglectful events, words, and situations that led to her early attachment to low self-esteem. She goes a step further in this book by showing how she divorced low self-esteem by pursuing healthy, authentic relationships and by being intentional with her thoughts and actions. This led her to self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love.

Although I do not share Debby’s exact life experiences, I could relate to so many of the circumstances and harmful words she described. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that many women will relate as so many of our (female) issues stem from our physical appearance. Or rather, our “lack of” as compared to super models or in Debby’s case, her outrageously gorgeous mother. Later In life, Debby learned to counter the mother’s impossible beauty standards. How? She states, “Determination and an inquisitive mind are necessary to rid oneself of anxieties and faulty self-perceptions.” This is just one of the gems she shares with readers. There are others such as this one dealing with ridicule and rejection: “Love thyself.” Simple as a statement but powerful when applied to one’s life.

This is a short read but so full of wisdom, encouragement and self-correction that one read is not enough. Be warned, you may find yourself turning to this book time and time again.

I encourage you to take this walk with Debby as she journeys to self-awareness and confidence. I promise you’ll be rewarded as well.

My thanks to Debby for taking on the challenge this year of exploring the complexity of relationships, and sharing strategies to improve the way we manage those important to us. As always your feedback is very welcome.

Related

About Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

My name is Sally Cronin and I am doing what I love.. Writing. Books, short stories, Haiku and blog posts. My previous jobs are only relevant in as much as they have gifted me with a wonderful filing cabinet of memories and experiences which are very useful when putting pen to paper. I move between non-fiction health books and posts and fairy stories, romance and humour. I love variety which is why I called my blog Smorgasbord Invitation and you will find a wide range of subjects. You can find the whole story here.
Find out more at https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/about-me/

Dear Debbie, I have read your first issue of your magazine series and it rings so wise and
loving as do your posts. To write about relationships isn’t the easiest as you migh encounter
the difficult issue of facing deep truths and realities that often have been easier to brush
‘Under the carpet’.
I really do look forward to follow this series.

Thank you so much Miriam. Your words are true. I’ve spent a lifetime digesting my truth, and I know well from writing a few difficult books how painful it can be. I do hope by my sharing some of my experience here, something can be taken from for all who read. ❤

Sally and Debby, this is a wonderful idea and I appreciate this first issue. Debby, you have lived it, so you speak from loving wisdom. We are of the generation that was brought up with ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’. This is so untrue! Lovely article and I look forward to more. Huge hugs for you both. ❤

Thank you so much my lovely and supporting friend. You hit the nail on the head, and I do write about that ‘sticks and stones’ in my book Words We Carry. Whoever wrote that saying certainly overlooked compassion. ❤ xxx

I appreciated your comment, Jane. I used the sticks and stones analogy with elementary students. Words will never hurt me is a bunch of baloney. Hurtful words can have a much longer and lasting effect than physical pain. We might forgive someone who says something mean, but seldom do we forget.

Reblogged this on cicampbellblog and commented:
It’s been a while since I posted here on my blog, so I thought this was a very honest and excellent post from Debby Kaye to get it up and going again – to reopen communication with my readers.

Loved this post, Debby.
Couldn’t agree more with all you said. Wise advice that I have always tried to put into practice – with varying degrees of success 😂
You put it well;
There’s always a graceful way out.

I am looking forward to continuing this series. My family is fond of “putting things under the rug.” So I, too, have difficulty bringing up many unresolved issues that have been festering and causing discord.

Sal, thanks so much for inviting me over for a new series here. I’m elated from the feedback already. I’m happy to know the readers here are eager to learn more. So inspiring! Thank you for all you do for us Sal. ❤ ❤

What a beautiful and insightful post, Debby. Of course, in those moments of heated anger, it’s hard to remember this sage advice. If I could go back and have some do-overs in life, I’d definitely take the high road. Thank you for sharing, Debby and Sally!

Wonderful series, Sally and Debby. I love this first post on communication, Debby. You do have wisdom from your life experience with different family members and people with whom you worked associated. Words are powerful, can be edifying or hurting. Great post, Debby!

You’re off to a great start, Sisses… Communication is the bridge to success. This will be amazing. I could fill volumes with my life experiences so I know you have plenty in store for us. I wish you every success. ❤

Brilliant! There’s a distinction between saying nothing and seething and, instead, letting the other person know how you feel without anger or invective. Good communication is the stable core at the heart of any relationship – be it at home, in the workplace or on social media. And you’re so right about not being able to rewind if unreasoning rage gets the better of you and things are said that hurt the giver as well as the receiver. If only it wasn’t such difficult advice to follow sometimes!

Thanks for joining the conversation Trish. Absolutely, the most difficult part can be following the advice. But like anything, practice makes perfect – even though we all will undoubtedly fall into those moments once in awhile we wish we could take back. ❤

This is going to be a great series, Sally. Debby understands what makes relationships tick and is able to share the information in ways that are easy to understand and implement. She always has good advice.

I’m truly humbled Norah. Thanks for your trust and for your compliment. Some people only follow the path from where they came, some like to learn from same. I’m happy to share what I’ve learned, hoping to make some positive differences for others. 🙂 xx

Thanks Sally and Debby. I’m sure many will appreciate and benefit from reading the new series.As a lay observer of humanity and what they get up to, it’s fascinating studying different relationships from a distance.One thing I did learn early on that makes a marriage happier, is not to nag…and learn the art of subtlety. Cheers. xx

I certainly hear what you are saying Debby and we have all at some stages in our lives have had hard knocks that we have learned and adapted from to be who we are today..
I like you knew from just a look to head for the hills.. lol.. And yes once words are spoken they cannot be taken back.. And words can wound leaving deeper lasting scars than any knife..
I so agree with you about learning to communicate.. So many misunderstandings and assumptions occur because he/she thinks this or that.. when its nothing of the sort..
Silence festers, as we know..
And you dear friend have a great PhD in Life. .. And in my book are very qualified in giving advice..
Good luck with your series here on Sally’s beautiful blog..
Sending LOVE and hugs my friend.. ❤ Enjoy the rest of your week. Both Of you.. ❤

OMG Sue, thank you so much for your wonderful validation. I know through our years of friendship that you and I endured similar unpleasantries in our childhoods, as we’ve often compared some notes. I’m thrilled Sally was kind enough to give me a platform here to share some of my LIfe 101 because I’m able to lend some tips that may help others with the process of discovering and dealing with issues. Thanks again for popping over here to read more and join the conversation. Hugs!! ❤ xxx

Having gone through a similar dysfunctional childhood, the importance of communication skills is driven home all the more. Diplomacy is sometimes challenging to achieve in the heat of the moment. My husband and I are both volatile and stubborn, but in the end, we realize that resolving our differences amicably is more important than being right all the time. It took a few decades to get to that point. 🙂 Looking forward to more of your excellent advice, Debby. Thanks for hosting this informative series, Sally.

Thanks for sharing some of your own views Deb. It’s definitely a learned practice, but it really does work. I used to be notorious for blurting out in heated moments when I was younger – I learned! LOL. Glad to pass my findings along to others here, thanks for visiting. ❤

I hadn’t thought about that when I read this post. You are right! Whenever there is an issue with two children, I pull them together. The conversation goes something like this: “Look at his face. He is sad and crying. How can you make it better?” Standard words to the perpetrator. To the victim, “Tell him how you feel. Tell him what’s wrong.” Typically the victim asked for a hug or an “I’m sorry.” They work it out. I just help navigate the way. Yes, this is a foundation for communicating with others. Thank you, Sally.

Perfect start to the new series, Debby! We can all learn a thing or two about relationships, I’m sure. I couldn’t agree more with how important communication is in relationships. While this comes natural to me (and Mark), I can only imagine that it’s not so easy if one of the parties is angry or doesn’t want to listen or ignores the issues. I think I’d bump my head against the walls if I were to be in those situations.

That being said, it isn’t always easy to have a mellow conversation about issues at hand when you’re not on the same page. Another big problem in a relationship, I find, is resentment. That can be so deep-rooted that every communication stems from it. I see that in my parents all the time. Granted, they have learned to live with each other and the way they treat each other after 44 years of marriage, but for me, often being in the middle – in person or during a Skype call – it makes me cringe. Yep – work is needed for long-term relationships to succeed!! 🙂

Thanks for dropping by Liesbet, and for sharing a bit of your own experience. Like you said, resentments will come out in communications, and that’s because underlying issues are left to fester. Those resentments come from slights, misunderstandings and issues that were left unresolved. That is why it’s essential to communicate our feelings. ❤