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It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going
to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it,
you'll get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!

Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't
get infected.

When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal
each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up
at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when
you are going to stop.

It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and
don't you forget it!

So a Pirate Walks Into a Bar ...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey,
I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I
feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were
in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that
hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I
boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we
were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped
in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You
couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Burma Shave

Ahhh, for the simple days.....

During the 1930's and '40's before there were interstates,
everyone drove the old 2-lane roads and highways. Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside by the
edge of those roads, next to farmers' fences.

They were five small red signs with white letters, about 100
feet apart, each containing one line of a 4-line couplet ... and the obligatory
5th sign advertised Burma Shave, a popular men's shaving cream.

Here are some of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW

OUT SO FAR

IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR.

BURMA SHAVE

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE

BURMA SHAVE

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

BURMA SHAVE

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING

BURMA SHAVE

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE

BURMA SHAVE

THE SPEED WAS HIGH

THE WEATHER WAS NOT

THE TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT

BURMA SHAVE

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

BURMA SHAVE

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU

BURMA SHAVE

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY

BURMA SHAVE

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE

BURMA SHAVE

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING

BURMA SHAVE

PASSING A SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW

BURMA SHAVE

A GUY, A MISS

A CAR, A CURVE

HE KISSED THE MISS

AND MISSED THE CURVE

BURMA SHAVE

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're a mere
child. If they do, then you're old as dirt ...

Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady,
why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted
the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot
the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were seven more
dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in
silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip
the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

”DAMN! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

Penguins

I never knew this.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice
in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird
which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for
life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

(You didn’t really think I knew anything about Penguins, did
you?)

It’s Dr. Seussian!

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his

health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie

and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker Nan,

I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'.

I do not like this spending spree,

I'm smart, I know that nothing's free,

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your
lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope!

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