Banging a Mag-Lite

July 17, 2006

I was down at the Adultatorium buying a gift for a bar mitzvah (because nothing says “today you are a man” more than the DVD of the year: “Spoogerman 2: Special Edition” featuring Dr. Cocktupus), and I see Todd Rigid putting up a new display of adult toys. From a distance it looked like just another dildo display, but upon closer examination I soon discovered that they were something else entirely.

“Masturbatory sleeves for men,” I said, reading the box aloud.

“Yeah, it’s the newest way of whacking-off for guys since someone figured out to use his other hand,” says Todd Rigid. “It’s like a portable vagina for your home enjoyment.”

“Son of a bitch, someone beat me to it,” I say, punching my thigh in anger. I had come up with the idea of a portable vagina years ago while drunk. Although my portable vagina was an actual vagina, with the woman’s legs removed and the rest of her cut off just above the ass. But still, it was a portable vagina and you could take it with you wherever in its specialized freezer tote bag. The U.S. Patent Office called the cops on me when I presented them with my idea.

“It’s a cleaner and safer way to crank one out,” says Todd Rigid. “Lube it up and off you go. It beats banging a watermelon or a jar of Miracle whip.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to fuck something shaped like a mutant squash or a damn flashlight,” I say. “That thing with the mouth looks like something ripped out of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.”

“Some people get off on that,” says Todd Rigid.

“Look, it’s my personal belief that if you start bringing lots of fancy and complicated toys into masturbation then it’s gone beyond simple gratification and self-exploration, it’s now a hobby,” I say. “And I’m not going to put whacking off in the same life category as gardening or painting or ship-in-a-bottle building.”

“Well, technically masturbation can’t be a hobby because there’s nothing to show for your work,” says Todd Rigid. “I mean, there is but I doubt you’d want to show it to anyone.”

“The point is if you’re investing that much time and effort and material into something as simple as shaking hands with the governor of love then you’ve completely lost sight of what you’re actually doing it for,” I say. “Wank to live, don’t live to wank.”

“I’m putting that on a sign,” says Todd Rigid. “That’s the most profound thing I’ve heard since the movie ‘Dogma.'”

No one ever accused Todd Rigid of being a deep thinker, but the ladies do say he goes deep.