Hi kids! The Ashley swore to herself that she wasn’t going to recap Bachelor Pad this season, yet here she is, bringing you the lowdown on this craptastic reality show. Seriously, this show is the bottom of the barrel in terms of quality, which usually makes for lots of ammo for The Ashley to make fun of.

The contestants on ‘Bachelor Pad’ have three goals in mind: 1) win the $250,000 prize money 2) find “love” (and by love I mean someone with opposite private parts than your own to hump for the six weeks you’ll be in the house and 3) embarrass your family as much as humanly possible. That third goal seems to come easy for these degenerates.

Anyway, the episode begins with Chris Harrison arriving at Casa de Chlamydia to inform the contestants that their next challenge will take place off the mansion grounds. They load up into vans and are shuttled over to a giant field that contains an obstacle course of sorts.

"What do you want from me? I'm already a keg-and-a-half into my day!"

Ed, who for some reason decided it would be a good idea to sport a strange, Bobby Brady-esque flattened bowl cut, tells us that he will surely do a good job on the obstacle course because he runs…and stuff. (Um, making a dash from your car to the 7-11 so that you can buy beer before the store closes doesn’t really qualify you as an athlete, Ed.)

The contestants have their work cut out for them with the course, which Chris tells us is called “Hot Sludge Sundae.” The gang must slide through a mountain of hot fudge, wade through a vat of ice cream, and then dump nut sacks over their head. (Just add a Botox injection into the mix and it would be a typical evening for Erica Rose!)

To make things more interesting, Chris informs the group that they’ll be competing with a different partner than usual. They are randomly paired up with a member of the opposite sex, and Kalon looks like he wants to run himself over with his Porsche when he realizes that he got stuck with Erica as his partner. Jamie is none too happy either, as she got stuck with Ed (who managed to pull himself away from the keg long enough to compete).

The race begins and the girls bob and weave through the ice cream vat (which is actually just a punch of pink soap, which makes no sense whatsoever). Next they wade through the whipped cream pool. (Anyone else think that the ‘whipped cream’ looks like a yeast infection? Just sayin’.) Jamie ends up coming in first, but we all know her partner Ed will screw it up royally for her. I can’t wait.

The guys take off, and it’s just a complete sh*t show as they battle it out on the hot fudge mountain. It’s a photo-finish between Michael and Dan. Meanwhile, Ed the “athlete” is struggling to make it through the race. He keeps climbing up the hot fudge mountain, only to slide down again seconds later. His partner, Jamie, looks like she wants to drown herself in that yeasty whipped cream pool. Actually, I think she’d rather drown Ed.

"I'm gonna pretend this is vodka!"

He doesn’t even end up finishing the race, so he and Jamie will each receive an automatic vote against them at the next rose ceremony. That should make Jamie good and desperate (and most likely very slutty) in her efforts to save her ass from getting eliminated.

Meanwhile, David and Rachel take first place, which means they’re safe for another week, and they’ll each get to pick a few people to take on a date. Back at the mansion, all of the girls are swarming around David in hopes that he’ll take them on his date. He decides to take Blakely (who saved his ass last week), Jamie (because he wants to stare at her boobies for a few hours), and Erica (because…well…I guess he’s just masochistic or something).

The limo arrives and takes the group off to a “red carpet place,” as Erica informs us. They go inside to see that there’s an entire prom (minus the angsty 16-year-olds) waiting for them!

ABC pulled out all the stops to make this look like a real prom– disco ball, photo backdrop and cheesy “Evening Under the Sea” decorations, straight from the Dollar General. All they needed was some chick throwing up all over herself in the parking lot from one too many wine coolers and it would have been my senior prom! (And yes, that chick was me. Obviously.)

Anyway, Blakely and Jamie apparently hate each other because they have both boinked Chris. (How does this guy keep getting girls?! He acts like a douche and looks like a creepy rodent. I don’t get it!) Jamie offers to call a truce with Blakely to make the night more enjoyable but Blakely decides to act immature and ignore her.

Jamie refuses to let Blakely ruin her big night. In fact, she’s thrilled to be there, since she didn’t get to attend her own senior prom. (Let’s be fair, Jamie; you probably at least made it to the parking lot. That counts!)

The girls go get gussied up, and Blakely emerges looking like….well, a 47-year-old wearing her daughter’s prom dress. Erica, on the other hand, is all dressed up like Big Bird’s pink (and plastic) first cousin. Seriously, she’s wearing feathers, a crown and some HOrrific extensions. (Don’t her parents have a buttload of money? You’d think they could afford to get their daughter some decent fur!)

"I really need to get a better agent."

They wheel out some country band that I’ve never heard of, and everyone begins to take turns dancing with David. It’s like a weird episode of Sister Wives or something. The singer of the band looks like she would rather stick icepicks in her eyes than be singing for these creep-goblins.

Back at the house, the pool has basically become a cesspool of sin, with liquor, hormones and STDs flowing full force. Ed and Jaclyn make their way to the bedroom for a little hump ‘n’ thump session, while Chris basically tries to stick his thingy in any girl that walks by. Business as usual.

At the prom, David admits that he has a huge crush on Jamie. That makes her all emotional, and she tells David that she didn’t get to go to her prom because I guess her mom was crappy and began to “disappear” during that time in her life. Don’t worry Jamie, I’m sure she is very proud of you now.

Right after this photo was taken, Jamie was mauled to death.

Even though Blakely has basically threatened his life in order to get him to give her the date rose, David still gives it to Jamie. The other girls sulk on the way to the limo and are shuttled away, leaving Jamie and David to enjoy the prom alone. Jamie’s gloating about beating out Blakely and Erica for the rose. Um, don’t get all excited there, Jamie. You beat out a broke-down Big Bird and a person that looked like a prom chaperon rather than attendee. Not a great accomplishment!

Jamie and David dance the night away. You know what I always say: prom’s not over until someone gets pregnant!

The next date belongs to Rachel and, while it’s kind of funny to watch, it is boring as hell to write about so I’m just going to sum it up really fast for you. She picks Michael, Tony (he’s still on this show? Who knew?) and Nick to go to a wax museum with her. They pretend to be wax figures and scare ‘Bachelor’ fans. Some of the fans talk crap about Tony. Rachel clearly just wants to make out with Michael, so she sends the other two knuckleheads packing.

Rachel and Michael discuss not wanting to get dumped on TV again. We get the impression that they are falling in love, and have not boned yet.

Speaking of boning, Chris is trying to avoid Jamie and find someone else to insert his penis into. Jamie doesn’t get the hint that Chris doesn’t want her and tries to get him to hang out with her. He busts out the “it’s not you, it’s me” line on her, sending her to go cry in her bed.

She wails that she just wants to fall in love on TV so she can show her grandchildren. (“Gather ’round kids! We’re going to watch them tapes from when your Granny got all slutty on TV! Call your friends!”)

It's baaaaaack!

Meanwhile, David busts out a tank top that was clearly stolen from Ryan of Emily‘s season. W.T.F. Why are guys still trying to make this look work?!

Anyway, everyone is scheming to get rid of the people they don’t like. Jamie wants to boot Blakely because she’s mad that Chris gave her the “meat injection” a few nights ago and Jamie’s jealous. Reid (who looks more and more like Chandler Bing from “Friends” every single episode) wants Ed gone because I guess he’s still bitter about that whole Jillian thing.

As per usual, Ed has no clue what’s going on, and thinks that Reid is his BFF. He has no clue that Reid is conspiring to get him voted out. Reid tells Sarah his plan and she, feeling guilty for voting against Ed the week before, runs and breaks the news to Ed that his BFF actually hates him. Ed is crushed (much like the beer cans he’s been crushing on his forehead all afternoon).

"I wonder if Spearmint Rhino is still hiring?"

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and Michael informs us that there are two giant alliances happening in the house. One alliance wants Blakely gone, while the other wants Donna out. Blakely is devastated to hear that she’s on the chopping block because she says she really needs the money. (Hey, it’s a recession. Strip club tips just aren’t what they used to be!)

Donna is also devastated to hear that she might be voted out. However, the only reason she’s upset is because she doesn’t want to leave the show without hooking up with at least one person. (Got to make daddy proud!) Luckily, Nick sits down next to her and soon her tongue is in his mouth. It sure feels good when we accomplish our goals, doesn’t it, Donna?

Ed finally decides to confront Evil Chandler Reid about his secret plan to vote him off. Reid, of course, pusses out and doesn’t confirm or deny that he is indeed trying to get Ed kicked out. Ed says he can’t believe his friend would stab him in the back. Um…can someone stab me in the back and put me out of my misery? This season is awful!

This picture perfectly sums up the relationship between Ed & Reid.

Anyway, it’s time to vote and Jaclyn says she’s praying that Reid goes home instead of Ed. Yes, because I’m sure the Heavenly Father has nothing better to do than answer your prayers as to which of these douchebags gets to stay around another week on a stupid reality show. There are starving children in Africa, for heaven’s sakes!

As expected, the vote comes down to Donna versus Blakely, and Reid versus Ed. I’ll save you the suspense: Reid and Donna get the boot. Everyone bids farewell to Reid (except for Ed, who just snarls at him), and the guys take one last opportunity to grope Donna before she’s shuttled off the mansion grounds.

Next week: Chris will hook up with yet another girl, Blakely will get mad, Jamie will cry, and I will require extra vodka to get through it all.