Case Number 00547

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1999)

May 22, 2000

Dearest Melanie,

I am now descending in to the pit of lameness that is Journey To The
Center Of The Earth. If I do not make it out alive, please see to it that
these letters find their way to the halls of justice at DVD Verdict. As you can
already tell, I do not have high hopes for this expedition. After all, it stars
Richard "Treat" Williams and Jeremy "No I'm not Jason"
London. Treat Williams is something like a poor man's Tom Berenger -- he took
over Berenger's role in The Substitute for two sequels, which were either
made for TV or put out directly on video, I can't remember which. Like The
Substitute deserved sequels. Jeremy London you'll remember from all those
seasons on the recently deceased "Party Of Five," and as Jason Lee's
sidekick in Mallrats. I can't think of that movie without thinking of the
way he goes from talking at a normal volume for one line, then bellows
"She's f***ing dead!" ten seconds later. No, he wasn't in Dazed And
Confused -- that was his twin brother Jason. Doesn't it look like Jeremy's
trying to squeeze a ham out of his butt every time he tries to show emotion?

Journey To The Center Of The Earth was broadcast on the USA cable
network. It's based on a story by one of the greatest science fiction writers of
all time, Jules Verne. As you undoubtedly know, I've been a long-time fan of
Verne's stories. As a kid, "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" was one of
my favorite sci-fi stories, along with H.G. Well's "The War Of The
Worlds." I've only just begun my descent into the DVD, and already I can
tell that this made-for-TV version (oh, how those words send shivers down my
spine!) has severely messed up the story. The only thing that seems to be taken
from Verne's text is the descent under the earth. In the book, they descend
through a volcano in Iceland; in the movie, a crevasse in New Zealand. They've
made the hyper-intelligent professor into, well, Treat Williams. He boxes to
raise funding, and his sole motivation seems to be to prove the theories of
Charles Darwin (not mentioned at all in the original text) while not mussing his
hair. The professor was rich in the book; this "professor" is funded
by a rich woman who wants him to find her husband. Jeremy London plays the
nephew character from the novel, but he's a spineless wussy who looks like he's
constipated.

Will I make it out of this alive?

May 25, 2000

Dear Melanie,

What a rare stroke of luck! I decide to write this review as letters to you,
and I find that Jeremy London's character in Journey To The Center Of The
Earth keeps his diary as letters to his homely fiancée!

Since my last letter, I have finished watching "Night One" of
Journey To The Center Of The Earth (it was a miniseries, so the disc
divides the film into its two broadcast nights). Theodore Lytton (Treat
Williams) and his nephew, Jonas, have traveled to New Zealand via ship, financed
by rich Alice Hastings (played by Tushka Bergen, who I've never heard of...I
hope that's not a stage name). In New Zealand, Theodore and Jonas hook up with a
gruff gunrunner named McNiff. He's played by Hugh Keays-Byrne, who was in Mad
Max. Miraculously, Alice Hastings shows up just before they leave on their
expedition. Apparently, there were several ships crossing the Pacific on the
same schedule. That's just one point that calls for severe suspension of
disbelief. There's plenty more before this is over. A few things happen with
supposedly cannibalistic natives, but it's all just filler. Finally, they start
their descent to the center of the earth.

The foursome travels underground for some time. The journey is mostly just
filled with needless melodrama and cheap special effects. They finally come to
an underground ocean, which they cross on a raft constructed from reeds that
must've materialized from nowhere. On the other side of the ocean, they kill a
very CG dinosaur. You know, computer graphics are a double-edged sword. On one
hand, they can create very realistic-looking scenes. Or, they can look more or
less exactly like computer graphics. Here, it's the latter. I'd much rather see
old-fashioned stop-motion animation than lousy computer graphics. Stop-motion is
cheesy, but it is far more watchable than bad CG, which is lame. Um, let's see,
what else happens. Jonas spots a fetching girl, who the party follows until they
are captured by reptilian creatures that look like extras from old "Star
Trek" episodes. Theodore even goes toe to toe with one of them. It reminded
me of the "Arena" episode, where Captain Kirk battled a fearsome guy
in a reptile suit. But I digress. The foursome is saved by natives, who take
them back to their village. You can guess what happens next...yep, Alice's
husband is the leader of the tribe. Yawn.

My expedition is scheduled to rest for a couple of days before pressing on
through the conclusion of the story. In my next letter, I'll try to discuss the
DVD a bit, before I go any further into this morass. Maybe I'll talk a little
bit about the director too. Writing about this disc may be the end of me.

May 27, 2000

Dearest Melanie,

I hope this letter finds you well. Oh, how I long for the gravy days, when I
reviewed movies I loved, or at least liked! Sigh. Hopefully, my trek through
Journey To The Center Of The Earth will be over soon and I can return to
you. As I explained in my last letter, we are encamped for a few days. I'll take
this opportunity to discuss the DVD presentation of Journey To The Center Of
The Earth. I realize that you usually skip the technical details of my
reviews when you read them, but I am trusting that you will pass these letters
on to DVD Verdict and they will certainly be interested.

Journey To The Center Of The Earth's two segments, each about 90
minutes in length, are presented on one side of a dual-layered disc. The picture
is 4:3 full-frame, matching its television roots. The picture suffers from
compression artifacts at every turn, seen mostly in the fine patterns of the
19th century garb. Pixelization is evident in the CG effects, further
heightening their lameness. Overall, it resembles the picture from a satellite
television feed -- which is to say, it is fairly decent, but not up to the
caliber of a film-based DVD.

Audio is in mere stereo. It is serviceable, but nothing spectacular.

There are no extras. Perhaps that is a good thing.

Apparently, the producers chose to film in New Zealand and Australia because
it's cheaper. That's the reasoning behind the filming locations for other
lower-budget television adventure shows such as "Xena: Warrior
Princess." It is also an area of the world that is familiar to the
director, George Miller. No, not the George Miller who directed Mad Max
and Babe: Pig In The City. This is the George Miller who directed The
Man From Snowy River and The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter
(why hasn't anyone sued them for false advertising yet? The story obviously
ended!). He also directed episodes of the Australian TV show "Five Mile
Creek." Back in the '80s, it played on the Disney Channel here in the U.S.
and was also released on video. I'm pretty sure my family rented every episode.
The only reason I mention it is, it's one of the earliest Australian productions
you'll see Nicole Kidman in that made its way to the States.

I am feeling so exhausted. Hopefully, this journey will be over soon. I pray
that it will end safely.

May 28, 2000

Melanie,

We made excellent progress into "Night 2" of Journey To The
Center Of The Earth since I last wrote you. However, the expedition is
becoming far more perilous. I only have a few moments to write to you...

To recap quickly, Theodore Lytton, his nephew Jonas, their patron Alice
Hastings, and their guide McNiff have journeyed far under the earth, and have
encountered humans living there, evolving little since the Stone Age. The
foursome has journeyed in search of Alice's husband (played by Bryan Brown, who
was in F/X, F/X 2, and Cocktail). They found that he was
the leader of a tribe.

Remember how I said Treat Williams was a poor man's Tom Berenger? Bryan
Brown looks and acts and sounds just like a poor man's Paul "Crocodile
Dundee" Hogan. Was the real thing too busy filming Subaru commercials,
or was he just afraid appearing in this pile of dreck would spoil his
career?

Casper (Alice's husband) has become drunk with power as the leader of the
tribe. But, he is eager to return to the surface with gold ore and a
"magical" plant that can cure all illnesses, and can be smoked like
tobacco. However, his tribe can't grow the plants, so he must steal them from a
rival tribe. He is captured, and Jonas as well in a rescue attempt...

Danger is upon me. I must go.

May 29, 2000

Mel,

I barely escaped with my life, but I have finished my trek through
Journey To The Center Of The Earth. In all honesty, there is little left
to be said, for I do not wish to spoil the ending for anyone daring enough to
take this journey themselves. However, I will say that it's as predictable as
Sally Struthers at Dunkin Donuts. It involves earthquakes and waterspouts and
the worthless natives (worthless to the plot, I mean).

Let me conclude my letters by giving my verdict. Journey To The Center Of
The Earth stinks, and all involved should be sentenced to life banishment in
underground caves. Artisan is forgiven its release only because they produce
other discs of higher quality. I shall soon be home to you. Farewell.