Wednesday, May 26, 2010

In the 2002 World Cup, Turkey and South Korea shocked the world by advancing to the semifinals. But the upstarts didn't get any further, rightfully thwarted by traditional powers Germany and Brazil.

The World Cup analogy is fitting for the 2010 NOTY Tournament, but with a twist. A couple of onomastic minnows -- both play football, though different brands -- have powered through the field and into the big game. For the right to be called the People's NOTY, it's Cameroonian soccerer Banana Yaya taking on Australian rules footballer Steele Sidebottom.

Sidebottom, the Dragonwagon Regional No. 4 seed, rode a wave of nationalistic fervor to pound Chrotchtangle No. 16 Charity Beaver in the Final Four with 82 percent of the vote.

Yaya, the No. 11 seed in the Sithole, shocked Bulltron No. 1 seed Nohjay Nimpson, capturing 57 percent of the vote. We're not sure how he did it; we didn't see any newspaper stories about the tournament coming out of Cameroon.

This year, you, the People, for whatever reasons, have chosen to advance the amply but not remarkably named Banana Yaya and Steele Sidebottom to the finals of the 2010 NOTY Tournament. We, the High Committee, did our part to uphold the reputation of this endeavor.

So please give a NOTY round of applause to the 2010 Name of the Year (High Committee):

Nohjay Nimpson

In case you're just joining us, Nohjay is a women's track-and-field star at St. Joseph's University in Philadelphia. The Philly native specializes in the triple jump, and just a couple of weeks ago she took first place in the Swarthmore Last Chance meet with a leap of 37 feet 9 1/2 inches.

Today, she leaps into the NOTY history books by amassing four first-place votes and a total of 230 points. (Names received five points for advancing to the second round, then 10, 15, 20, 25 and 40 for the champion.) Milwaukee student Dinero Fudge finished second with 205 points, followed by Miami high-school footballer God's Power Offor (180), Delaware driver Spontaneous Gordon (145) and New York man Spartacus Bernstein (140).

And the People's choices? The "Man of Steele" tied for 14th with 80 points, while Banana Yaya tied for 21st place with 65.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

We would not have predicted it. God's Power Offor, the Nigerian-born, 6-foot-2, Miami h.s. defensive end and Sithole Regional No. 1 seed, who came to his name in honest fashion -- his parents believed his birth was a sign of God's power -- was eliminated by Cameroonian footballer Banana Yaya by a count of 52% to 48%. Somewhere, Andy Staples weeps.

Which bring us to Australia. The support of an entire nation is hurtling Dragonwagon No. 4 seed and Aussie rules footballer Steele Sidebottom on a collision course with destiny -- and we don't mean Frankenstein. Steele treated his worthy Elite Eight opponent, No. 3 Starzanne Stipes, like a Tasmanian beer-league back pocket, racking up 64% of 6,600 votes.

Monday, May 10, 2010

There is no task more solemn than the one passed down to us by our founding fathers, who summon us from the past to execute their humble vision for this republic. We honor their memory, we accept this responsibility, we cherish this task. We vote for the Name of the Year.

And though we are bound by duty to accept the will of the People, we also fear the tyranny of the mob. We have seen it rear its ugly head before. In 2008, a feelgood network of sycophants and toadies fashioned a cult of personality around Spaceman Africa. We have also witnessed the wisdom of the crowd, the uplifting rally in 2009 behind that movable feast of onomastic joy, Barkevious Mingo, whose kingdom shall have no end.

Now come this year's candidates with their personal David Axelrods and their entourages of adoring fans. Yes, Chrotchtangle Regional No. 15 seed Pat Angerer, of course, husked enough votes in the great, flat state of Iowa to score a slim 51-49 majority over No. 3 Pencilman Jeffries. And in the Dragonwagon, No. 4 Steele Sidebottom had an entire nation -- Australia -- get out the vote in his similarly close victory over beloved No. 1 Spontaneous Gordon.

We mourn the vanquished -- not only our respected friends Spontaneous and Pencilman but Just-in'love Smith and Furious Bradley and their fallen brethren. The right side of the bracket is, we declare, the weak side of the bracket. Yet we implore the public -- from Ames to Adelaide, from Sioux City to Sydney -- to set aside petty partisanship and choose those names that embody the true spirit of NOTY, the names that will bring pride to this planet and honor to the solemn task for which you, the People, have been chosen.

Before everyone gets her bile up again about Chrotchtangle Regional No. 15 seed Pat Angerer making it this far, let's take a timeout to acknowledge the greater impact of Angerer's nomination -- and the force for good in the world to which NOTY aspires, and occasionally achieves.

I have had a car accident file closed for over two years where a guy ran into a parked police car. I couldn't find him for months, and eventually gave up looking. That is, until I saw that Cynammon Crabb was the wife of an Iowa copper thief. At the tail end of the story of her husband's (and brother-in-law's) arrest, there was the following paragraph:

Sheriff's officials said 20-year-old Andrew Graham Trousil-Bagan of Fort Madison and 17-year-old Marquis Rashaad Jones of Burlington along with Benjamin Crabb went inside the home of Timothy Weyls Jr. at 12609 90th St., with the intent to rob Weyls of drugs.

Detectives said Benjamin Crabb went to Weyls' bedroom and started hitting him with a .38-caliber handgun. The gun accidentally went off, hitting Weyls in his right arm.

There he was, with an address and everything: Tim Weyls, the guy who hit the parked police car in 2006. Huzzah, gentlemen! Huzzah indeed!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A lot of testy voters in the Sweet 16, and we understand. Even the High Commissioner is exercised. From the private island in the South Pacific where he's tutoring Barkevious Mingo for finals, the High C telexed us his thoughts. (No, we're not sure when he turned into Larry King.)

The Angerer-Jeffries bracket pisses me off; these names both suck. I'm so out of touch now. ... Can't believe the Beave is going to go to the final 8. ... The Gordon-Sidebottom match is classic NOTY. ... Stipes better get past Balls-O otherwise my ticket is dead. ... Can't believe that Banana is taking down Tronic Williams.

If you don't think Chrotchtangle No. 15 seed Pat Angerer deserves to advance over No. 3 Pencilman Jeffries, or that Dragonwagon No. 4 Steele Sidebottom, whatever his Aussie rules football talents, is an empirically better name that No. 1 Spontaneous Gordon, then get out the vote.

Angerer-Pencilman is a close enough that a late flurry of ballots could change the outcome. Spontaneous-Steele, in the words of Eddie's father in Diner, could go either way. And No. 3 Starzanne Stipes vs. No. 15 Pamela Balls Organista in the 'wagon. is officially a throw-down: As we type, the ladies are separated by just one vote.

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About NOTY

Name of the Year was founded in 1983 on an Ivy League campus. Its mission has remained unchanged: to discover, verify, nominate, elect and disseminate great names. All names included here are, to the best of our knowledge, real. No malice is intended.