Opening Day. Thor says, “Give it a miss.”

In Colorado, Loveland and A-Basin have opened. In Minnesota, Wild Mountain is open. In Vermont, Killington is about to open. Soon there will be more.

That’s nice. Opening Day — so special.

Thor, the Norse god of storms and protector of humankind, advises you to stay away.

Thor does not approve of skiing in October. He is particularly displeased with skiing on Opening Day. In an exclusive Slope Dope interview, the hammer-wielding god explains the reasons behind His displeasure.

THOR: Actually, as a god, I need not explain My reasons at all, ever. Especially to mortals, punk.

DOPE: Yes, but this is for the San Francisco Chronicle.

THOR: Hmmm… San Francisco. I haven’t been there since the fall of ’89. I really should get back. Ah, very well, I shall make this one exception.

THOR: Oh, all right. In October, snow is, largely made by machines, not by Me. The mortals who show up on opening day are mainly young, bepimpled striplings, fair bursting with competitive energy. They are not bursting with restraint, good sense or caution.

DOPE: And?

THOR: And the combination of too little snow and too much testosterone (which We in Valhalla call ballzupe) concentrates snow-starved, over-stimulated, under-mindful hoards onto narrow strips of snow. There, they duel with steel edge and carbon pole for what they ridiculously call “bragging rights.”