Q&A - Help! My Husband Is a Deadbeat

Daily Inspiration

Q: My husband has not worked in more than two years… he hasn't even looked for a job! I support our family of four along with all household responsibilities, including laundry, shopping, cleaning and cooking, even though he is home all day. He sleeps until the afternoon and never goes to bed with me. We have been married for 18 years, and he has slept with at least three other women during this time. He says he loves me and I believe him, but why does he make my life so hard? How do I tell the difference between love and being used?

-Sarah M.

A: Hi Sarah,

After reading your email, my immediate reaction was to wonder what your husband calls the resort he currently lives in. I know that you call it home, but it appears to me that he doesn’t quite grasp the concept of home and shared responsibility in the traditional family sense. If what you write is accurate, it looks like your husband is living the good life as a guest in an all-inclusive holiday getaway. So you ask, “How do I tell the difference between love and being used?” I’m sure there will be some disagreement on this, but in my opinion, you don’t use someone you love in this kind of a negative, unfair and burdensome way.

In short, Sarah, I see serious trouble in your marriage and alarming emotional issues in your husband. Since this has been going on for two years, it is not likely to change overnight without help. If you want to stop this insanity, get your husband back and attempt to salvage your marriage, get some professional assistance now before it’s too late. The anger, resentment and lack of respect you are currently feeling toward your husband will eventually, if it hasn’t already, cause irreparable damage to your marriage.

A healthy relationship functions much like two boat oars in the water where each oar, in unison, is working in a coordinated effort to propel the relationship forward. If only one person has an oar in the water rowing, you tend to become frustrated, travel in circles and get nowhere. Marriage, like the two oars of that boat, is a partnership that takes both people working together to maintain smooth sailing. As I see it, your husband has stopped rowing, committed mutiny and for all practical purposes, has abandoned ship. It’s time for him to leave the pampered cruise ship life he is currently enjoying and become an active part of the relationSHIP that he entered when he married you!