How to Make Your Child’s Teacher Wish They Joined the Peace Corps Instead

Parent teacher conference is coming up here this week. Personally, I have a great deal of respect and sympathy for teachers. I can’t image spending nine out of 12 months in a tiny room with 27 kids, trying to figure out how to make sense of Everyday Math. So when I go to conference, I try really hard not to sound like a jerk when I talk about my kids. Apparently that’s not the case for everyone based on the stories I found on some teaching-related message boards. So if you’re goal is to make your child’s teacher bite through their tongue, you can try out some of these statements at your next conference:

1. “We know Sam plays with his food. Smearing mashed potatoes all over the wall in the cafeteria is how he learns about the world around him. His child psychologist told us he is a kinesthetic learner.”

2. “Well, if the other children are distracted by Cindy standing on her desk and shouting during reading class, maybe you need to teach the other students to focus better.”

3. “Oh, yes. We know Tommy hasn’t turned in any of his homework. We don’t believe in homework. His time after school is better spent grooming our free-range Highland Cattle.”

4. “In order to foster independence, we let Sally make as many of her own decisions as possible. It was her choice to wear flip-flops to kindergarten after the blizzard. If she loses a toe from frostbite, then she’ll learn her lesson from suffering the natural consequences.”

5. “We know Fred is rude sometimes, but we are both so busy. We just don’t have time to teach him manners. Isn’t that the school’s job?”

6. “Brad is a picky eater. He only likes sweets which is why I pack his lunchbox with a can of Coke, a Hershey bar and six Oreo cookies every day.”

7. “Susan is a musical genius. Have you heard how well she plays the recorder? We really don’t think she needs to worry about geometry. She doesn’t need math skills to play Carnegie Hall.”

8. “I have two masters degrees and a doctorate. Johnny is a genius. He takes after me. It’s not that he refuses to learn the three different states of matter. Rather it is too elementary and beneath him. He’s bored, and with your four-year college degree you’re simply not advanced enough to stimulate him intellectually.”

9. “We don’t think holding in your emotions is healthy. If Sarah feels that she needs to act out and pull Betty’s hair, she should be allowed.”

10. “Grades are not important. We don’t think you can label a child’s potential like that. Grades only having meaning, because we assign meaning to them. What does an F really mean? At the end of the day it’s just a letter in the alphabet.”