choosing sobriety

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I have been musing on why people, having fought hard for a few weeks or months of sobriety then lapse and start drinking again. I think I’m hoping if I can understand it, It might be less likely to happen to me. I do know this is nonsense, and that there are so many reasons why people start drinking again I could never ever understand them all.

It’s not about how much people NEED to give up drinking. I have seen people dying from drink stubbornly refuse to take any steps to stop – and others who drink way less than I did decide to pack it in.

Is it about how much people WANT to stop drinking ?

Maybe.

Rock bottom, where traditional alcoholic ‘law’ says you need to be before you can quit, is very different for different people. Most of the sober men and women I have ‘met’ on the internet in the last few months have not hit the traditional ‘rock bottom’ in that they still have jobs, families, houses, partners. Most of them, and I include myself, have just reached a point where they can see what’s coming if they don’t quit. (See The train ) Everyone has tried (endlessly ) to moderate and failed again and again. Many land up with a decision to go AF as a last resort to escape the awful cycle of drinking, shame, hangover, anxiety, drinking.

For many, and again I include myself, it takes a few goes. The first time I really KNEW the only option for me, ultimately, was total abstinence, I was 33. I managed 6 weeks, convinced myself it was ‘not that bad’; I had ‘learned to moderate’ and started drinking again, with predictable results.

Maybe that’s one reason people lapse. Denial and self-delusion.

The second time I stopped drinking I was really desperate. My mental health was shot to pieces, mostly due to home stresses, I knew that alcohol could not be helping me – despite using it as a crutch every single day – so I decided to quit. That withdrawal / detox process was very, very hard, and despite staying almost completely sober, I had my most serious episode of suicidal anxiety and depression that necessitated 6 weeks off work.

Ironically when I recovered I felt so well I started drinking again, almost immediately. On reflection I don’t think I believed that I could be one of the people who succeeded and thus, by believing I would inevitably fail at some point, I set myself up for it.

Maybe self sabotage is another reason people lapse.

I have also considered the understanding of complete sobriety. Last time I stopped I ‘allowed’ myself a drink on Boxing Day when my children were with their father and DP and I were alone. And another (few) when we went away for a weekend in April. I didn’t understand then, what I do now, that this was just one more attempt to fool myself that I could moderate, drink “sometimes” on “special occasions”

On that Boxing Day (2013) I wrote about my experience:

“i did drink a glass of champagne. Within the first mouthful it was as if the previous 50 odd days had never happened, suddenly everything was about alcohol again, how much I could drink – how grey and dull everything was without it, ugh…. I was every bit as consumed with the wish to drink myself senseless as I ever have been. i loved the idea of being ‘out of it’ …desperately wanted to finish that bottle and every other bottle in the vicinity”.

That stuff is powerful. What was blindingly obvious, but I could not see, was that to succeed at being AF you have to BE AF, completely, 100%, ALL THE TIME…

Drinking “sometimes” perpetuates the myth that you can be normal around alcohol, it reawakens the ‘wine witch’; It allows space to that nagging voice what says ” well nothing bad happened on Boxing Day did it” … which just starts the whole damn argument again.

I think that’s not being ready, which is perhaps the biggest reason why people lapse – for whatever reason, with the best will in the world and the strongest motivation, they are just not ready.

This time I AM ready. I am not in denial, I believe – no, I KNOW, I can do this, I will Never drink again in any shape or form, Never. I don’t need it, I am tired of it.

I love what you wrote. I never seriously decided to quit till September 2015 when I stayed sober five months. It was a horrible experience, I struggled terribly with anxiety and desperatly craved alcohol as a fix. I really did not enjoy my sobriety. I, like you, told myself that I had fixed my obsession with drinking heavily and could become a moderare drinker. Didn’t happen, as I am sure you guessed. This time around feels different. I know now that I can never be a moderate drinker. My mindset is not on this being a difficult journey but more on how excited I feel about my life without alcohol. I feel more positive and therefore am enjoying the journey a lot more. I am glad that I tried and fell because I learned a lot from that experience. I also know that my anxiety may very well flare up again and I have some things in place to cope better with that. I hope I don’t sound cocky because it may come over like that, it is just different this time around xx

I’m reminded of the final scene in Trainspotting where Renton breaks free from his old life and does his ‘choose life’ rant (and Ewan Macgregor is long term clean and sober too!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0D4ekTODuA 🙂 xx

I remember one of the times I broke my sobriety – it was one of those ‘fuck it’ moments. We went to a bbq and I just decided I was going to drink (and no one was going to stop me). As you described that one measly glass of wine WAS NOT ENOUGH. I didn’t want to have a drink, I wanted to get drunk.
I always wanted to get drink. To numb. To not feel.