Dr. Dot (a nickname given by Frank Zappa in 1988) has tended to the musical elite for nearly two decades. She describes
herself as a "rock chick" who, as a teenager, wanted to meet her musical heroes without trading sexual favors. Instead, Dr.
Dot offered massages, which she had been perfecting since she was five years old. Clients have included Sting, Eminem, the Rolling
Stones, Sheryl Crow, Robert Plant, Kiss, Aerosmith, Blondie, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Vin Diesel, R. Kelly and Bruce Willis.
She recently completed her first American book, "Butt-Naked and Backstage: Diary of the World's Greatest Rock and Roll
Masseuse."

Dear Dr. Dot,
I totally love my wife, but the sex is FAILING... She'll let me do whatever I want,
most whenever I want, but she does nothing in return. NOTHING. It's miserable.
Like spankin' the monkey. We're both working hard and have a busy family.
What should I do? Is there no way out? Does this mean it's time for an affair?
Divorce?
- Fucking the Boring Golden Cage

Dear Cage,
On the one hand, you have it better than most guys; at least she lets you "do
whatever you want, whenever you want," which is more than most married men get.
But it is no fun having a passive partner. Mix things up a bit. Hire a
babysitter and bring her to a hotel. Bring her lingerie shopping and fuck in the
dressing room. Ask her what would turn her on? It's a popular, but sad, dilemma.
The old challenge was to get the girl. Now it's keep her hot and horny. Massage,
wine, hotels, porn, vacations, you really have to work at it to keep your busy
wife in the mood to be your sexy bitch under the sheets.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My name is *** and I am 12 years old. I am not really sure what I am. I
love men, but I think more about women sex, and all that shit. I guess I wish
I had a boyfriend at school, but when I come home (and at school sometimes), I
am all about women, and masturbating. I was wondering if you could help me
with two things. (By the way my parents don't know and I would like to keep it
that way.)

1. What am I? Lesbian, Bisexual, Bi-curious, Straight?

2. How can I make myself cum without my parents finding out?

I masturbate when I am in bed, on the toilet and in the shower.
Please help me figure this out. I feel I am a grown-up woman in a little girl's
body. I am ready to explore and want to be ready for when IT first happens.
Please don't patronize me because of my age; I am very mature in every way.
- Lolita

Dear Lolita,
Part of being 12 years old is discovering who and what you are, which
could change several times in your lifetime.
There is no need to label yourself. Just do what you like and what feels
natural. Most young girls feel more comfortable experimenting with other
young girls as their bodies are so similar and it feels safe and comfortable.
It could be you end up a lesbian or it could be that you get bored of girls
and yearn for boys sooner or later. Only time will tell, and you have lots of it,
so stop stressing about your genitals and concentrate on school or you won't
have a home to masturbate in once you leave school.

P.S. If your parents haven't noticed that you are masturbating in the shower,
toilet and in bed, I sincerely doubt they will notice you having an orgasm.
Perhaps part of the reason you are giving yourself so much attention is
because you are yearning for some unconditional love from them. Speak up --
tell them you need a hug.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I've been dating my boyfriend for five months now. It's actually no longer
dating, but a serious relationship. We have talked a lot about our relationship
and he told me that he can see a future with me, which I am very happy about
because he is an amazing guy and I really like him. So here is the
problem.

We went drinking the other night and he told
me that he doesn't like my bag because it's ugly. I didn't get offended. After all, he
is my boyfriend. I want him to be honest. But he also told me that he had spoiled
his exes in the past. He told me he got one a Gucci bag and a lot of
other expensive things. He also said that he spoiled them all, but me.

I donít know how I should take this. How should I take this?? I'm not a materialistic
girl, but I feel that it's so unfair because I have done a lot more for him in
these five months than his exes ever could. He's the one with the well-paid job,
but I've been the one spoiling him, and he claims that he can see a future with
me and didn't with his exes. Yet, he spoiled them and here he is telling me that my
stuff is ugly, but hasn't got me anything like he had for his exes. How should I
go about dealing with this? I'm hurt and frustrated. Please help, thanks.
- Whipping Post Pauline

Dear Pauline,
A lot of men start out spoiling their girlfriends, and unfortunately, each time
they get hurt and/or burned, they toughen up, become harder, more jaded. But that
is how they become a man. One that can focus on his career and then his girlfriend,
not the other way around.

Face it, if a man is completed besotted with his lady, he
is soft and may find it hard to concentrate on his work, which in counterproductive
if he wants to take care of his lady and their future children. It's hard for men in
that sense; they want to be kind, but have to protect themselves from being turned
into a powerless wad of jelly. A good man concentrates on work, but is still kind and
attentive to his lady. Some lose balance and decide, "I am never going to be that
generous and sweet again; the next girl will suffer and know who the boss is!"

This is indeed unfair to the next girlfriend who is, in this case, you with the ugly
cheap bag.
You have to let him know it is ignorant to tell you about spoiling his exes and it's
like
throwing pearls at swine, bragging about the expensive gifts while degrading your
accessories. (Only gay men even notice a fucking hand bag!)

Write him a note and say the only time you want him to mention bags is when he is
buying you one. Just because you are into this man, it doesn't mean you have to put up with that arrogant behavior.
He was obviously hurt by one of these Gucci loving bitches and is taking it out on you. Mention that you too deserve to be spoiled, and it doesn't
have to be with material items either. If he won't spoil you, make yourself available
for the one who will.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I'm the mother of two young women. I never tell them when
or with whom to have sex, simply because I know I can't control this, and they will
do what they want or need to do. I want them to be good people who enjoy sex
and every other part of their lives. I have always been open with them when they have asked
any questions about sex and relationships. So, between me, their friends, the pop
culture and the internet, I know they have any info they need about sex and relationships --
short of the hindsight gained by good and bad experiences of their own. I am most fearful
though that my opinion about something going on in the life of my 20 year old is the wrong
one for a mother to have. Nonetheless, it is my opinion.

She is in love with a 44-year-old married man.
They would probably be a fine couple. However, I have told her that it might be the best thing
to back off because she will ultimately not be able to feel good about being a wedge between
two married people. This woman (his wife) could be her, could be me, could be her friend.
And, would it ever be possible for her to be trusting of a person who has cheated on a wife
or someone he has made a commitment to?

I can't say that she's making a wrong decision, because I am not my daughter.
She was born with the maturity of a 21 year old, and this man (I've not ever met him)
is a youthful 44 year old with the spirit of a 21 year old. He is not a player.
I've checked him out without his knowing so.

Are my morals out of whack? Am I being too
non-judgmental? Iíve told her all of the drawbacks of this situation but
I want to support her and I know of others enjoying age gap relationships, like Celine Dion,
Michael Douglas, Nicolas Cage, etc.

I have been married for 25 years and there isn't any divorce in either of
our family histories. I am pretty sure that there has been cheating whether hidden or
accepted in those histories. I don't like cheating. It makes me sad just to hear of it.
Then there is karma and another man or woman with a potentially shattered life.
Why am I not preaching to my daughter about morals? Tell me please. I can take it.
- Momma Karma

Dear Momma,
Young girls love to see how much power their pussy has. Could it lure another man away
from another woman? Could it break up a marriage? Can I make boys buy me things with it?
It's a big power thrill and an incredible aphrodisiac.

Flirting with and/or fucking a married person is like playing with fire. There are enough
single
people around to seduce. The unhappily married person should have the balls to end their marriage
before starting another relationship on the side. I am against marriage in the first place; just
the pressure of being so tied down makes most want to stray at one point or another, so why fucking
pretend? Sure, being married makes it nice for the kids at school and gives people a tax break,
but it's an old-fashioned tradition that ends in divorce more that 50 percent of the time.

If he did leave his wife for her, she would have a new title: "home wrecker" -- and most
of the time, when a man leaves his wife for his mistress, the mistress gets bored, as the challenge
is gone. Buy a copy of the book called **The Rules for your daughter and leave it in her room.
It's not the greatest advice, certainly not as modern as mine, but it will show her that she is,
in fact,
getting the short end of the stick. Don't be a friend; be a parent and tell her you don't approve.
Karma will prove to her that it's not a good idea to touch other women's men, as what goes around,
will in fact, come around.
- Dr. Dot

**
Full title: "The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Dear Dr. Dot,
Tell me why, why, why every single website that involves sex winds up (quickly)
with the guy getting a blow job? I am straight as an arrow, but since I love
having my tits sucked long and hard, sometimes I would like to watch before my
boyfriend comes over to get me started. I look for sites with strictly tit
sucking and find virtually nothing. It says, "Watch the blonde get her tits
sucked just before she goes down on the guy's cock." Give me a break. How about
something to get the girls going? Maybe I should write a sex story about it.
I did that for a friend of mine and he said every time he reads that e-mail
again, he gets off. Almost all of it is about having my tits hanging in his
face and him working them over. Must work for some guys too! Thanks. Your
column is great!
- Anonymous

Dear Anon,
That's an easy question to answer. Most porn is made by men for men, so
tit sucking is just a tiny side order. They make it obvious what really
turns them on: marathon blow jobs, DP and all those sticky cum shots.
Perhaps this is a challenge for you. Start producing some porn that will
turn women on and we can finally abolish that annoying belief that using
the tip of your tongue to flick the clit for a few seconds actually does
anything for us. Why not film your boyfriend grabbing, licking and sucking
your jugs for a good half hour and next time you want to rub one out,
you can just watch your personalized video and wank.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have met lots of guys who don't care what the woman wants, but I've
met a couple who ask me what I want. Does this mean the feelings run deeper or
they are still after that one thing?
I've also have heard that if a guy helps you out with your bra and clothes
he loves you. Is this true or does this just show that he is a master player?
- Young and Curious

Dear Young,
Unless the man is flaming gay, he will want pussy. We are put on this earth to breed,
so naturally, they are after that "one thing." Their behavior is the important thing.
If they make you laugh, treat you well and you can feel that they love you, then they do.
Ignore the words -- they can blind your judgment. You can't evaluate a man's love by things
like removing your knickers or asking how you like your oral, that's too general. Good men and players
alike will do such things. A man can say "I love you" a million times but
if he is treating you like shit, what good are the mandatory verbal treats? It's his actions,
not his words that tell the truth.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My ex will NOT stop stalking me. He creates different email addresses and myspace accounts just
to torment and threaten me. All I did wrong was NOT want him anymore. It seems I have to pay
for that "mistake" the rest of my life. What is the best way to stop such a prick in his tracks?
- Petrified Patty

Dear Patty,
Print out all of his nasty messages; photocopy them several times, along with a picture of his face
attached to the stack of papers, and bring them to his work/office/parents (whoever means the
most to him). Do the same with the emails. Copy and paste them all into one long message and send
it to everyone you both know and in the subject line write, "Isn't he a sweetheart?"
If he keeps bothering you, bring one of the "booklets" to the local police so they can keep it on file.
Asking a 6-foot-tall male friend to visit him can't hurt either. Hammer time.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My husband and I have broken up a few times due to his inability to remain physically true. We are both European,
so cheating usually isn't grounds for divorce (bad attitude is). After a six-month break, we finally moved back in together
and all is well except he won't make love to me. Recently we were driving in my car, phone rang and it was a woman who said she has been seeing my husband for the last 20 years
and that he married me secretly so she wouldn't find out and that he was two timing me. I knew about this skank already and he promised me he would delete her number.
I forced him to show me his cell phone. Her fucking number was still in there. I made him delete it right in front of me. I was calm, but cold to her on the phone, and ripped his face off verbally.
He is seeing a therapist about his infidelity, but I am wondering if you think a man like that can ever really change. He claims he wants to have a baby this year. I am lost.
- Just a Woman in love

Dear Woman,
Next time she calls, tell her "Two timing? Oh honey, you got that all wrong. He is four timing and you are just one of the holes he calls when he gets bored. Our relationship is an open one,
so just take a fucking number." Your apathetic attitude is your best weapon against her. Not sure he is worth all the effort though. He seems to have a problem with integrity in general,
not a good trait. Make a time limit in your mind and if it hasn't straightened up by then, you should cut your loses and move on. European or not, bullshit is an international turn off.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have a bit of a problem. My clitoris is very tiny, I mean REALLY tiny. Even
when I'm aroused it's still really small. This makes it pretty much impossible
for me to orgasm because my clit is so sensitive. In fact, the only way I can
orgasm is by masturbating. I do it by lying on my stomach with my hands flat
under my abdomen and grinding my clit up against my hands. I have to have
clothes on too, because it's too sensitive without it. This is very frustrating
for me and my husband because he doesn't know how to stimulate me because
every time he tries I have to make him stop.

So I was wondering, is there a way to make my clit bigger? I think this would
help me a lot because the nerve endings in my clitoris wouldn't be all in one
itty bitty space, thus making it insensitive. If there isn't a way, then
what would you suggest I do? I've told him what I
like, but he still can't do it, and orgasm by masturbation isn't so great
anyway because I feel like I'm not actually getting a good orgasm... They only
last about five seconds, if even.
- Clitty Cat

Dear Cat,
They have clit/pump cylinders out there you can buy, just like the penis enlargement vacuums. I think it's a bunch of bullshit; these tools may feel good and increase one's
confidence buy tricking people into thinking, "My clit/cock is swollen, so it
must be bigger." But I doubt they work. It may be fun playing with them though. Try
using your husband instead of your hand. Do exactly the same thing you do when wanking alone, but do it on top of him with lots of lube. If you have to, start out with your panties on,
if thatís what you are used to. If that doesn't work, have him lick you. There is nothing softer
then a tongue for those hard to reach, sensitive spots.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am the husband of Tainted Tammy that has been writing you, you know "THE BITCH" that gets it five times a week, for which I am extremely thankful.
My side of it is that when we first met, I let all my skeletons out of the closet, which weren't a lot. But I was a recreational intravenous drug user
(did it about 10 times my whole life). I got involved with a bad bunch of people and I was the ride for the most part and didn't have much of a sex life due to an
abusive upbringing at the hands of my father both physically and mentally since I was a wee boy.

When it was her turn [to discuss the past] she told me she lost her virginity at 17 to a guy that was 21
and he raped her, so I said to myself at that time, "No big deal she had sex with this guy one time. It wasnít her fault and that was the end of it."
Now 18 years later, she is telling me it was an ongoing sexual
relationship and each time I bring it up the story changes. I was so angry at this guy that I was going to inflict physical damage to him and get even as he took my wife's purity from me,
but now that the truth has come out I feel I can't hurt this guy because now I see it was consensual on both parties. This all could've been avoided if she was just upfront from the beginning;
I would have married her anyway, but I almost feel like she got me on false pretences. I love her with all my heart but the deceit really hurts after all these years. Thanks,
- Mr. Bitch

Dear Mr. B,
That part was left out in her email to me; I didn't know she was lying about her past. But the past is the past and I totally frown upon the idea of digging up one's "skeletons,"
unless there's children involved. Since you were abused in the past, honest and purity must be extra important to you. Hence, her blurry past is eating you alive.
Take her for a walk and have her tell you the whole freakiní story once and for all. Say, "Tell me the truth and I shall drop it forever!"

Let her vent and keep your word. Just let it slide. Otherwise, it will just be a constant annoyance and it will drive you both apart.
If you love each other and want to stay together, you need to clear this shit up. She said you were "depressed and
not the same anymore." Why not tell her why? You have to communicate or it won't work. Just because you weren't the first
guy IN your woman, doesn't mean she isn't pure. She has been with you for years, and she has sex with you very often, that shows
that her love for you is pure. You can't beat that. Let the past die. It's over, done with and know that we all make mistakes.

NOTE: The wife has since written and they've cleared everything up and are happy as clams in water.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I'm pregnant and very horny most of the time. My husband seems to be into it. We got married recently and he wanted kids right away, so here I am, pregnant and jealous.
My first husband cheated and I'm paranoid again. I try to keep telling myself men cheat. I don't ever want to be divorced again. I know if he did cheat I would have to cheat
just to build up my ego also. I already have a child and realize how hard it is on a marriage. I'd like to feel like I shouldn't have to worry. I'm a pretty sexual person and
love my husband and would like to feel like he only wants to be with me. He tells me he's waited his whole life for me and wanted to be married and have a baby. He is 37
and I'm hoping he is really ready for all of this. He has been doing whatever he wants for so long. Are all men going to cheat no matter what?
- Nervous & Knocked-up

Dear Nervous,
Some men cheat; so do some women, but there are those that are satisfied with what they have. The way you described your husband made it sound like he initiated the marriage and pregnancy,
so you really don't have to worry.
Had you trapped him in a marriage due to an "accidental" pregnancy, well, then it would be a whole different situation. Your sex drive and confidence will keep everyone happy.
Worrying while pregnant isn't good for the baby at all and it's pointless to stress about something that hasn't happened, so just breathe deep and enjoy your bun in the oven and the hot baker
who helped make it.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My fiancť says he is scared he can't have kids because his cum looks like water. What is this caused by and is he able to have kids still?
He has not had a sex drive since his ex gave up his baby for adoption. When we do have sexual intercourse he only last five to 15 mins.
- Quickie Queen

Dear QQ,
Sperm consistency always varies. Diet, exercise and frequency of sex can all dictate how thick or watery his juice will be. Sperm is constantly being made.
Even if he just shot his load, a new batch is already in the making and you never know if it will be clear, cloudy, thin or chunky style.
Semen quantity differs among individuals and can also change during different times of a man's life. Older men usually make a milky or pearly-white spunk and
if the guy doesn't empty his balls regularly, it can turn a bit yellow and get really thick like clam chowder. A lot of factors go into the appearance and consistency of semen,
including diet and ejaculation frequency. Changing any of these can alter the way your semen looks.
A nocturnal ejaculation may have more prostate fluid in it (which is whiter and thicker),
while a daytime ejaculation may have more sperm and fluid from the seminal vesicles, which tends to be clearer and less viscous.

You say he already produced a child, so I would tell him not to worry about being impotent. And you say his sperm is very watery. So if he isn't fucking you, he must be wanking a lot,
when you aren't around. This may help him feel (1) good and/or (2) in control. Since he lost control of his child, wanking may make him feel in control of at least his cock.
If he is that afraid, he should go to the doctor and have it checked out, but I think it would be a waste of time and money and make an already tense, unfortunate situation become that more tense,
hence killing his sex drive even more. Just avoid talking about it and give him some sexy back rubs while wearing some hot undies.
Try to have him get you off before he even attempts one of those five minute in and out escapades. Tsk, tsk!
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Why is it I can only cum when I think about my husband having sex with his ex girlfriends? Any details he has given me race through my head and I act them out while
fucking him and that is the ONLY way I can get off. I've never told him as I am afraid he would think I am nuts. Am I?
- Pervy Pam

Dear SIG,
Wanting to love your partners past, right down to the juicy parts is nothing to be ashamed or freaked out about. A lot of people have to let their mind wander while fucking to cum,
as sometimes the here and now is either too much or too little. Letting your imagination take over to get yourself off is a common pastime. I think it means you are just very into
his sexuality and imagining him fucking other girls is a turn on. A few people I know have admitted to doing the same thing. Just relax and enjoy your homemade, in-house porn.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am also a massage therapist and want your opinion. Sometimes when I massage male clients, they do obnoxious things that make me feel very awkward. For example, some point their penis
South when they lay on their stomachs and I massage their back and back of their legs. I then have to look at their cock the whole time and this grosses me out. Another popular antic
is some men lift their asses up off the table so they are almost kneeling. What the hell? This makes me so nervous, I am thinking of just massaging females from now on.
- Miss Massage

Dear MM,
Simply ask the client to, "Please point your member North so I donít accidentally graze it with my short fingernails." This should frighten their cock as soon the words leave your mouth.
If they moan about it, insist you canít concentrate and/or cover "it" with the sheet/towel and only work on one side at a time, keeping his jewels covered.
You could be cheeky and say, "Look, it's bad enough I have to see your balls squished onto my massage table, do us a favor and pack your meat up under your belly."
Humor helps in stiff situations. If they have their ass up in the air, it means their ass is an attention whore, so why let it down? Put one hand on top of your other hand
and use full force when slamming his ass down onto the table. He will get the message loud and clear without you even speaking. If he asks, tell him it's the "Slam Dunk" method.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I love your columns I can't get enough of them. But I have a
question; what can I do to make my breast bigger without implants?
- Flat-Chested Ann

Thanks Ann,
You could eat more, get chubbier and/or take the birth control
pill which simulates pregnancy, hence, slightly bigger jugs.
Downside is that you also get that clingy insecure sense of being
that pregnant women get and smoking while on the pill is dangerous (as if smoking wasn't dangerous enough).
If none of that sounds enticing, just work on your ass and make your oral techniques something to write home about. Not ALL men are breast men.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I've been married for 17 years to a wonderful man. We have a major problem however. I hate giving him a blow job. There is nothing about it I like. He really wants it and I
don't see myself giving it to him. What and how do we make this compromise? We fight about it all the time. Please help!
- Anti-Oral Audrey

Dear Audrey,
If he's so wonderful, why not show him some appreciation and give him what he wants at least once in a while?
I am sure there are some things he does for you that he really could live without. Men NEED blow jobs and if you don't give them to him, he may look elsewhere. There is no way around it I'm afraid.
Knowing it brings him absolute pleasure should at least turn you on. Just be happy he isn't insisting on anal sex.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I thought I finally found "the one" in my boyfriend of ten weeks but he has a habit that I am not sure about. We are both over 30 and have steady income, but he likes to shop-lift.
It's not like I accidentally caught him, he steals then tells me about it directly after, like a cat showing off a dead bird he just caught. I suggested he go to therapy and he
freaked out and screamed at me and said, "No wonder you were single for so long!" So, he is obviously sensitive about this. At my age, single men are hard to come by so I am wondering
if I should just let his habit slide or go through all the trouble of finding a new one AGAIN.
- Lady Jane

Dear Jane,
I know people who have found love at age 55, 65 and even 85. Even Paul McCartney is dating again! Never, ever take shit because you think you will expire soon. It is never too late to find a partner. Your sticky fingered man sounds like a touchy, shady character that has an inferiority complex. Does he think he is Robin Fucking Hood or what? Screaming at you because you suggested he gets help is as bad as his stealing habit. He is a drama king, so much work; he exhausts me and I haven't even met him. Be happy you found all this out now and not later as ten weeks isn't that long. You should be able to get over him in what, two days? If you have trouble letting go, imagine this kleptomaniac fathering your kids. Would he teach them to steal and shift blame onto others when confronted? Drop that coward like a hot potato.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
What do you think of my gift ideas?

1. A gift to my wife to have some of her favorite stuffed animals painted in that famous painting of the dogs playing cards.

2. To make a mold of my cock, to make into a dildo. It would be in a factory-sealed package like you would find in a sex shop. To give out to chicks I know on Valentine's Day.
I would give it to chicks that would have sex with me if I was not married. What would you do if you got a gift like that from a guy you were cool with but never boinked?
- Anaconda Al

Dear Al,
I think you have way too much free time on your hands for a married man. The painting sounds sweet, but her glee will surely fade if she doesn't know about your cock toys.
If the girls you give them too aren't single, be prepared for a major Bitchfest with their beaus. What would I do with such a gift? If the toy was extremely massive and had a
challenging form, it would surely stir up my curiosity about the original, but would probably end up on a shelf with the other toys, as nothing beats your own hand when it
comes to doing the deed alone. Toys are more a visual aide for your partners pleasure (watch it go in; watch it go out, woop-de-fucking-dooooo!).