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Four guybrators you need to add to your collection

The Lord of the (sex) Rings

Game On!

Every now and then a game comes around that breaks the boundaries and changes everything. For 2011, this is that game.

From Rockstar, the same studio that brought you Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption, comes yet another groundbreaking title.

Set on the backdrop of World War 2, L.A. Noire is a detective crime drama where you play as Detective Phelps. You work your up through the department from Traffic all the to Homicide. This is already a great setting for an amazing plot, but the feature that takes it up the gear is the new motion capturing technologies that utilise cameras, shooting a 360 degree angle of each actors face that play the different characters. This transfers into the most amazing detail in every character’s face. You can see every smirk, every raise of an eyebrow, every roll off the eye that gives characters away when they lie about the evidence.

And that’s the meat of the game. It’s not an outrageous shooter, or medieval RPG full of magic and special effects. It’s L.A. Confidential, with lots of investigation on the scene of the crime, and lots of interrogation of the suspects as you get down to the truth of the case. There are a few chase scenes and a few shootouts but that doesn’t really make the core of the gameplay. In fact, there’s an option that’s automatically selected in the menus that just skips those scenes if you fail them too many times. This makes it far more accessible to people who aren’t into games. This is the closest thing to an interactive TV show that exists, which makes it great to spectate.

Put on your thinking cap and get a few friends around for a little PI investigation and get through the main plot. Rockstar have raised the bar and propelled the industry into the future. This is the future of video games. It’s not in fancy, useless 3D or meaningless gimmicks, it’s in higher production value that brings a level of immersion never seen before.

This is one of those games you have to get this year. Story: Incredible. 10/10Aesthetics: The graphics are good, but the facial expressions are exceptional. 9/10Audio: Original ’40’s score, impressive acting. 9/10Gameplay: Accesible, deep and engaging. 9/10Overall: A landmark in gaming history. 9.5/10

Game On

The Lego gaming series is now staple in the console world, pretty much like Crash Bandicoot was in the ’90’s. There are new releases constantly, milking nearly every franchise of any value: Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, Star Wars and now, Pirates of the Caribbean.

The formula is exactly the same as any other Lego title. It’s a recreation of the Pirates of the Caribbean universe using Lego blocks and Lego pieces. You’re nostalgic button will twitch when you see all the items you used to play with when you were a kid: The sharks, the monkeys and the treasure chests really got me excited. I’m a nerd, yes, but those toys were probably the coolest toys i’ve ever had.

The game is really marketed at kids, and for good reason, i’m not really supposed to enjoy it. The thing is the gameplay is very chilled and casual: There’s nothing too hectic and it’s a great lazy Sunday afternoon thumb-warmer. The majority of the game is spent solving very basic puzzles with 2 characters, or if you have another person in the room, just the 2 of you. For this reason, the game is best spent playing with someone whose new to gaming or with your son or daughter. If you’re not a big gamer yourself and your child is, here’s the perfect opportunity to steal some quality time with them with far less frustration than Call of Duty. Instead of shooting things, you run around and collect gold lego-piece coins that are scattered everywhere.

Unlike the other Lego games that come in three installments, Pirates of the Caribbean squashes all four of the movies into one game, so you’re getting a lot for your money. The only problem is that you’d probably have no clue what’s going on unless you’ve seen Jack Sparrow’s cinematic exploits.

If Lego Pirates of the Caribbean is not challenging enough for you, there are better games out there for the more hardcore gamer in you. But if not, here’s the perfect time filler, well spent with a loved one laughing together.

Story: Same as the movies, but no-one cares. 5/10Aesthetics: Excellent Lego renderings. 8/10Audio: Ripped straight from the film. 9/10Gameplay: Fun, mindless and repetitive. 7/10Overall: A fun family outing in Legoville. 7/10

Game On!

Valve are one of my favorite game developers of all time. They revel in creative flair, refined games, and groundbreaking gameplay. To put it into perspective, their spearhead title, Half-life which came out in 1994 was the first game to include health packs and ammunition lying next to dead bodies. If you’re a gamer, you’ll realize how revolutionary this was, if you’re not, then you probably think I’m the biggest nerd to ever walk the earth.

Portal was an extremely revolutionary game that included only one gun, a gun which shoots two portals into the environment, one entry portal, the other an exit portal. To add to the uniqueness, there were no bad dudes out to kill you, just a series of rooms that were puzzle orientated with the simple objective of getting from point A to point B by solving a series of elaborate, literal thinking puzzles. Not only was it a revolutionary game in many unconventional ways, it was also riddled with a wicked and dry sense of humor that gave the game a brilliant tone.

Enter Portal 2, a more than brilliant followup with just as much dry humor and amazing puzzles, including more puzzling elements.

A new introduction to the series is Steve Merchant from The Office and Extras fame. Ricky Gervais’ right hand man throws the humor back in, coupled with an awesome script drives the whole thing forward in one of the most entertaining games of 2011.

The game includes some awesome different colored goos, that allow you to bounce higher and move faster which add a much needed spin on the original title and new game mechanics.

My favorite new addition to the series is the splitscreen co-op feature in addition to the ultra awesome single player campaign. It bulks up an already complete package and gives you and your girlfriend some dual problem solving. Not only is refined and perfect in every way, it’s meaty and offers a whole bunch more game time.

Portal 2 is basically flawless.

Story: For what it is as a puzzle game, genius. 10/10Aesthetics: The Source Engine just keeps looking sexier. 9/10Audio: Brilliant music, excellent voice acting. 9/10Gameplay: Who knew they could improve Portal’s gameplay?! 10/10Overall: Unexpectedly awesome. 9.5/10