The Sad-Ass Guide to Being a Man

William Cody Watson, the man behind our Sad-Ass Music column, came up with his very own guide to being a man. Although he claims to not really know what he's doing when it comes to all that, we think he's doing a superior job.

A

Adulthood

You're not 11 or 17 anymore. Get your fucking shit together. The days of John Bendering around your high school, acting like you're so fucking tough and rad are over. Everyone expects you to button your shirt, pull up your pants, get a job and get real. Well, guess what? That's what being a legitimate adult is all about. Yeah, ugh, sorry bro, but time to man up and enter the real world. I say as I'm laid out across my bed, typing this in my underwear, at 12:30 PM on a Wednesday.

B

Books

Yeah, you should probably read some. Maybe start with Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, or Harry Crews, or shit just start at the articles in Playboy, but fucking start somewhere. Take a cue from Bill Hicks. You don't wanna end up a waffle waitress. You need to expand your mind, somehow some way. I'm not even talking about the accounting book that got rain-fucked in the back of your pick-up. I'm talking about things that will expand not only your intellect, but maybe grace you with a little bit of finesse, swagger, confidence, humility, and shit, maybe even a stroke of brilliance. Chances are writers have lived 1,000 of the lifestyles you can only dream of, so you might as well take notes, dude.

C

Cologne

Buy some already you fucking mutant.

D

Douchebaggery

Look, I know growing up, something in your brain told you that by being the biggest douchebag in the world, you'd get all the respect, power, money, girls, etc., etc. til the day you die. Well, I've got something to tell you, nine times out of ten, uuuugggghhhh, that's totally true. I hate to be that way, but it's just the way the world works. That's why you have to realise, we need to make a change. I'm not saying you can't be an asshole, sure you can, just practice some moderation, bro. It's 2013, so let's just try to start giving nice guys a good name.

E

Eating

Yeah, like, actually eating food... Practice some restraint here, piggy. Hey now, don't get all huffy puffy, I'm fat, it's cool. I'm just saying, don't eat a rack of BBQ ribs like it's cunnilingus hour at the pussy patch. Use a napkin, chew with your mouth closed, really show that special someone that you're trying to put forth some effort to appear slightly post-neanderthal. Also, y'know, maybe watch a few cooking shows, read a couple cook books (see back to “b”) and learn a couple tricks. I'm telling you, special someones get mighty impressed (read: horny) when you bring them home to a nice, home-cooked meal. Even if it is grilled cheese, tomato soup, and Stella.

F

Farting

A gift from on high, just like, don't fart into the refrigerator while your beloved is cooking you dinner.

G

Game Changer

Alright, so wild card... Eventually you're going to meet someone, and they're going to be a GAME CHANGER. Let me explain. You've probably been in love, thought you'd been in love, or really were in love, but aren't in love, and now you might be jaded, or just some weird shit involving love. Well, here's the thing. Eventually, you'll meet the game changer, and they're going to fuck your whole world up. They're going to make you want to get your shit together. You'd lay down in the street for that person. You take a bullet for them. There's a sincerity that comes with the game changer that you'll immediately pick up, and thus, you'll understand, this is my game changer. Now, I'm not saying this will come at a certain point in time, and shit, I'm not even saying you should hold your breath for the game changer. But. You should always keep an open mind and be ready, because the game changer could show up any time, and you'll have to be prepared for a whole new world. Cue Aladdin on his stupid flying carpet.

H

Handjobs

You need to just come to grips with this fact, when you were like 12, you figured out you could get weird with your own dick and things would happen. A mini-blackhole would gobble you up and spit you out through the end of your own penis. You would then wake up as a freshly born fawn trying to coax its legs to working. Metaphorically, or something. So, then you perfected that over the next, like, ten years, 20 years, whatever. So, face it , you're realllllllllly good at giving yourself a sweet heej, but understand, no one else is. Just deal.

I

Immaturity

See A: Adulthood and knock that shit off.

J

Jokes

Alright, learn some good jokes already. As a male adult, well, honestly, as a human being in general, it's always good to have a great sense of humour. A great sense of humour, however, implies that you have wit, possibly a real keen sense of timing; not everyone has that right out the gates, so everyone should have a couple good jokes stashed away. Being an adult male, I feel like this is absolutely a necessity. You want to be respectable, you want to be liked, you want to be an all-around good dude. You're going to be dealing with people, variety of walks of life; so be prepared with some classic jokes – some dumb stuff for the kids, some classy stuff for the uppity types, and some gutter filth for your bar buds. Plus, a sense of humour will simply get you much farther in life that being a tight-assholed, all-business dork. That's a known fact. I even looked around the internet, and apparently a good sense of humour is, like, really high on most females' list of traits they commonly look for in a man, usually up at the top. Well, obviously, duh... So get some jokes together already. Google “octopus walks into a bar” or “octopus bagpipe,” I like that one a lot.

K

Knife

This is simple, doesn't matter who you are, what kind of man you are, every man needs a good knife. I'm not even saying for stabbing, but like sometimes, there's boxes and shit you need to cut open. Do you really wanna have to walk around for like 15 minutes asking, “Ummmm yeah, can I borrow your scissors? OK, well, like a pen maybe, or, uhh, like, do you have a key?” Just whip out your fucking dick, ugh, I mean knife and cut the fucking box open.

L

Love

It's the light that drives this world. Get involved or gtfo, that's what I say.

M

Manners

So, it's 2013. You're not two years old sitting in a high chair having your mom pilot peas into your stupid mouth anymore, just so you can pay her back by shitting your diaper and making her change that while you drool. You're an adult and you should goddamn act like one. You should understand that your napkin goes in your lap. You should understand that you hold the door open for a person, regardless if they're man or woman, old or young, you just do that. You should understand to say “yes ma'am” “no sir” even on the phone, even to someone who's being a fuckface and you want to stomp them. Just be polite. If you believe in karma, you understand that what you put out into the ether comes back to you tenfold. Why would you not want that to be positivity, even in the face of a dismal, apathetic world? We gotta start somewhere. My mother raised me to mind my manners, and as I get older and shift into more curmudgeon-mode, I'll see my manners start to slip, and I have to realise to reel them fuckers back in. Get out there and hold the door open for an old woman and save that smile she shoots you for a rainy day, shit you might just need it.

N

Narcissism

OK, as an adult, it's time to realise the world doesn't really owe you a thing. It never really did. Your parents didn't owe you a rooftop or food, and yeah, you can come at me with that “I didn't choose to be born” type logic, but fuck you. They gave you those things out of love and compassion, and for your safety. So, in our youth, we learn to love ourselves, or maybe not, but we start doing that, and we get so far up our own asses that it's just humiliating and heartbreaking when you realise how callous the world can truly be. This isn't about appearance and looks, this is about you realising you are not the wonderful little light of the world. So stop acting like it. Realise there are around seven billion other people breathing the same air as you, and we're all in this together, fighting and dying for our love and our passion. You need to take a look inward and realise, you ain't mister fucking know it all, mister fucking popular, mister fucking all that and a bag of chips. Start putting your love out into the world instead of channeling it right back up your own stinky shit box.

O

Oral Sex

YOU BETTER BE MAKING WITH THE HEAD.

P

Passion

OK, this is something you're really gonna need to be a good man. I'm serious. Passion, you need it in every aspect of your life, from the boardroom to the bedroom. If you're working, do something you're passionate about. If you're really into, like, concrete and pavement, then go do construction with everything you have. If you like money and fucking people or whatever, go pursue Wall Street. Just don't go through your life lilly-livered and spineless, always planting foot after foot on the road-most-taken, when your dreams ask you to go further, harder. Passion comes from the heart, the spirit, the soul. You need it. It should flow from you, with a musky scent. You need passion in your love life, home life, and nightlife. Don't take your special someone to bed and be a cowardly fish-man. Show them the time of their life, even if only for five minutes before you pass out. You pack the passion, the passion flows from you, then it flows into the world. The world needs your passion, because there's too many passionless people who will never find their way to anywhere.

Q

Queefs

Yes, these exist, and they are awesome. Not even in a “haha, this is funny” kind of awesome way, but just in a general, “holy shit, the universe wins” kind of awesome way. If you're a heterosexual male with any type of sex life at all, you will experience the elusive queef at some point in your adventures. Grow up. Be prepared. Most times, it's OK to laugh, and you'll know by the lady and her personality if it's OK. Most times, yes it will be. That's a good way to gauge the person you're with. I'm not saying sex should be silly at all times, cuz y'know, passion, but if you can have fun and laugh while sexing, shiiiiiit friend, where's the problem? If you are bedding down a sweet lil lady that laughs at her own v-fluffs, then you're probably working with a keeper, shit maybe even a game changer, time will tell. Queefs are a beautiful thing, don't be a 14-year-old immature prickface about it. Relish that shit. I'm William Cody Watson, and I endorse this message.

R

Reputation

Keep your nose clean, kid. Always try to make a good impression. In the adult world, you realise, who you know, or who you know who knows someone else who you might know, becomes very important. You need these people to help offer you opportunities in life. You'll need connections to help attain certain jobs, certain deals, certain hook ups. You don't want to be the dude with the shit rep who no one wants to deal with. I know a couple men like this, and fuuuuck, they're just the worst human beings. Keep a good outlook, mind your manners, be helpful. Always remember what you cast out comes back, and I'm not saying you can't get drunk and fuck some shit up. Being drunk is cool, and people know that, but don't get shitfaced then crash your car into a school bus, for fuck sake. Be cool, play it cool, stay cool.

S

Sex

OK, this is pretty important. First up, let's realise this, everyone is different in bed. There's all these circumstances, all this gray area. There's different types of fetishes, kinks, things people want, don't want, boundaries, etc., etc., etc. Well, how's the best way to handle this? The best way is just being an open and honest person, in all walks of life, but right now we're focusing on sex, love-making, horizontal snake dance, poking, fucking. When it comes right down to it, whether you truly believe me or not, sex is the most intimate act two people can share, wherein they entirely expose themselves to the other. Maybe you don't like taking your shirt off, maybe you don't like feet, maybe you really like getting peed on. Well, that's where honesty comes in. You have to be honest, and ultimately, you have to let the other person know they can be completely honest with you, shit, it's vital, necessary, you want it. You need to let them know you accept all their baggage, and if they come at you with some just absolutely too-weird-shit, then you two will accept that, and move in a positive direction, based on your ability to cope and learn from it. Not everyone wants to suck toes or have their toes sucked, not everyone likes taking it up the butt, not everyone likes sex in the shower; that doesn't mean just because I like this and you like that, doesn't mean we can fuck to prosperity. It just means you have to accept what each other likes and roll with it. That's all part of being an adult, and exceptionally, this is part of being a good, grown ass man.

T

Time

Stop fucking wasting it. You wasted so many “man” hours as a teenager locked away in your bedroom pumping your pecker to near defeat, or playing video games, or something else. Well now you're smashing head-on into your 20s, 30s, and what have you got to show for it? I'm not saying that you have to go scale a mountain, fuck knows I'm not gonna be doing that. You don't have to go skydiving or bungee jumping, just do something, feel something, take an adventure. This is something as simple as loading up your car with your friends and just pointing somewhere on a map and feeling your life actually happening around you. Tell someone how fucking brilliant and beautiful they are. Take a chance. Go outside, smell the oxygen, taste the oxygen, fuck the oxygen, with your entire body. No one is alotted any specific amount of time, so we've got to embrace what we've been given and attack. These bodies of ours, they break down; cars careen into other cars and snatch lives; people burst into buildings with guns and murder. There's war, famine, plague; these are real concerns, real tragedies, these are things happening every day, and you look down at your hands and your legs and realise, I'm alive. You've got time to go out and enjoy everything. Don't waste another second. Also, y'know, like be on time, for your job and shit.

U

Underwear

Boxer briefs. Never forget.

V

Video Games

Sure, why not? I mean, you work for a living, right? Well then play the fuck out of them. But understand, at some point, there's going to be a voice beckoning from the bedroom, “heeeyyyy baaaaabe, c'mere,” and you better goddamn recognise, without a second of hesitation that the delight of what is behind that bedroom door is better than anything on that video screen. You got it? You like blowjobs and stuff, right?

W

Wash

Simple. Easy. Effective. Buy a few decent soap products you like. Figure out what works best for you: a rag, luffa, your hand; whatever. Just figure it out. Your sweet mummy used to wash you down when you were a wee lad, well now it's time to keep your shit clean by yourself. Check it, though, it doesn't even have to be just like that though. There's this thing, maybe you're in the know, it's called taking a bath with another person, and it's fucking rad. You can wash them, they can wash you, and everyone comes out all sparkling and new and freshy fresh. But yeah, that's like icing on the cake type shit. What I'm saying, is wash up. Hell washing up gets you that much closer to showering with another human. All it takes is a little soap, a little water, and a little elbow grease. Make sure you wash your ass well, wash behind your ears, and scrub your nasty hot dog, dude. No one wants to smell your grease pickle. Then, y'know, be sure and wash your clothes and linens too; very important. You're an adult, it's time to do adult things.

X

Umm, I'll just go with: Exercise

I don't go to the gym. I used to when I was like 19 and 20, but I don't now. I'm not saying you have to do that. But like, do something that exerts your body. Lift rocks, mow your lawn, do landscaping. Go fishing even. Maybe your job uses some of your manpower; be a barback, lift kegs. Just use your body a little bit every day to work off the double cheeseburger and large fries you had for lunch. I know I could absolutely put this into effect far more often than I do. There's something about working down the point where you actually feel your body resisting and then you hit the point where you've maybe help build an extra muscle. You can sleep a little bit better at night, and also, you're stronger. You need to be strong, everyone needs to be strong. Be strong.

Y

Youth

Never forget where you came from and the mistakes you made as a youngster. You don't have to let them define you, but learn and grow from these experiences. We all cut our teeth where we grew up, and we have to digest that material. The people around us in our childhood and teenage years helped us mature and grow into the people we are. Family, friends, peers, enemies; these are people who help define us, so we can't forget these people during these years. We may have sewed some wild oats in our time, and maybe we still have lots of chips to knock off our shoulder, but we have to attack with grownup sensiblities, and stop being children about every aspect of our lives. The days of games never end, but you can't react like a child. Essentially, the adult world is still a primal playground of people looking to take your lunch money, break your heart, and pants you, but there's no reason to keep your mind in a boyish place.

Z

Zevon, Warren

Check this dude out. His spirit and music will guide you through many years of being a man. RIP Sensei Zevon. He has plenty of tales of life and love and loss. You'll need his experience to help muster experience and gain a better knowledge of how the world works. His catalog goes much deeper than just “Werewolves of London” so I suggest picking up a greatest hits and studying for a while. You don't necessarily have to fall in love, but you will. After you spend a while with Warren you can go outwards, experience the likes of JJ Cale, Tom Waits, Leonard Cohen, Tom Petty, etc. Tie this in with your reading list for a rounded out life-texture experience. Take this as a homework assignment. The class is “Being A Fucking Man About Shit 101” Get your shit together and ace the course.