Not an actual day at the track, but a reasonable—and affordable—facsimile
thereof

Saratoga
is the August place to be, they used to say—back before some
genius noticed that gambling addiction works in July, too.
But even without the compulsive drive to burn through your
discretionary income or your kids’ college funds, whiling
away a hot August day at the track can be a hoot. Thing is,
even if you’re a cowardly gambler, as I am, you’ve got to
scrounge up some change for a worthwhile day in the Spa City.
Change I don’t really have.

But I wasn’t going to let that stop me, not this year. I was
going to have a day at the track. After all, I deserve it.
And I’m a resourceful guy, there had to be some way to make
it happen.

This helped:

Ah, nothing says summer like beer with the word “summer” written
on it.

Provisions secured, I loaded up the car and hit the Northway.
Traffic was a bitch.

But
I was so happy to be underway, that it didn’t faze me in the
slightest.

I parked on some guy’s lawn, which I’m told is the thing to
do—though, honestly, it took forever to slalom around the
lawn jockey, those wooden cut-outs of bent-over gardening
ladies, the lawn mower, and the wading pool of kids (I mean,
that’s not safe). It was like they didn’t even want
me to park there.

It
was a short walk to the table, er, the track, and I was feeling
lucky. I picked up a tip sheet and waited for inspiration.
In the first few races, I bet cautiously: It’s the way I roll,
first of all, plus nothing really struck me. I was up a little,
down a little. I was having a good time, but still waiting
for the electric moment when I felt I’d really picked a winner.
Still, though, a couple of hot dogs, a few more bottles of
summer—things were going fine. Then, in the final race, the
line-up stopped me cold: On the field would be Expecting Brainchild,
Jar of Cardinals (the favorite), Gleemer, Cool Off Kid Kilowatt
and Sot. I felt, I felt . . . something. What was it? A hunch,
a flash of intuition. I’m putting it all on Gleemer—the 20-1
longshot. I just felt it.

Jar of Cardinals came out of the gate like a rocket, maintaining
a strong lead over Expecting Brainchild and Sot. It was a
three-horse race, with Jar of Cardinals looking to fulfill
his promise.

It looked bad for Gleemer. Really bad. I had to double check
to see if he had actually left the gate at all. Meanwhile,
Jar of Cardinals extended his lead. Crap.

Just when I had given up hope, though, there was a sudden
darkness and rumbling in the sky. A ferocious downpour came
out of nowhere, leaving the track a rutted mucky mess.

I was thrilled, elated, out of my head with anticipation,
and track-induced glee. So much so, I didn’t even care, much,
when I noticed that this guy was swiping beer out of my box.

You know, you can dress some folks up . . .

Anyway,
sure enough, it was Gleemer at the wire—and at 20-1. Boy,
there’s nothing like that feeling. I just felt a current going
right through me. I was so jazzed I knew there was no going
home. With my winnings, I was going to treat myself to a night
out on the town, and I was going to pull out all the stops.
This was free money, after all. I wanted something classy,
something Saratoga, preferably something al fresco.

I may have overdone it a bit, truth be told. But it was all
in good fun and even after the fine-dining splurge, I somehow
managed to break even. Saratoga really is the naptime—uh,
the summer place to be.

New York State Military Museum, 61 Lake Ave., Saratoga
Springs. 581-5100. New York’s Fighting Zouaves. Also,
Battleground for Freedom: New York during the Revolutionary
War. Also, To the Standard: Civil War Cavalry Flags
from the NYS Battle Flag Collection.

Saratoga Automobile Museum, 110 Avenue of the Pines, Saratoga
Spa State Park, Saratoga Springs. 587-1935 ext. 20. East
of Detroit, and New York Racing exhibit.