State of Illinois Wants To Tax Sexual Intercourse

SPRINGFIELD, IL – You can cancel the honeymoon plans because the Illinois State Legislature proposed a new bill Monday that aims to tax any and all forms of sex in the state.

In a move that seems way out of line, the Illinois House proposed bill 6969 which makes it a criminal offense to not first pay a tax before citizens partake in a sexual relationship.

“Listen, the state is broke, we need more money. Sure the budget passed but we are still in the hole, (that’s what she said) and we have already intruded into every other facet of Illinoisan’s lives. This was the next step.” State Rep Richard Johnson told The Cob.

“It’s a tiered system the more you do the more you get taxed. Kisses are five dollars and so on, I think you can figure out the rest. A full chart will be presented next week. If you want to make it to third-base you better be ready to pay.” The Representative continued.

“As far as how these taxes get paid, we are not sure yet. Oh, and also there is a safe sex discount for people that use condoms.” Representative Johnson concluded.

Look for this new law to hit your bedroom sometime early next year, until then enjoy all the free sex you want.