By Tardsie

In which we strive for greater cross-cultural understanding.

Disclaimer: This video contains a slur, uttered without any venom. It also contains several words from a foreign language depicted as meaning something other than what they actually do, and that’s probably racist. You’ve been warned.

Sheriff’s Office: Man died after being pulled over ~ “I mean before! He died before he was pulled over. No wait–it was after, but…well, what the hell are we all doing sitting around flapping our jaws? A man’s been beaten to death and dumped in the back seat of a police cruiser–we need to be out there looking for the killers!”

Should Obamacare Be Repealed? Vote in Urgent National Poll ~ If we can get enough people to vote, we can repeal Obamacare! Yes–that’s what we’d be saying if the United States were more like American Idol, and just any uninformed wingnut with a hair up his ass could vote directly on pending legislation. In fact, the United States is a republic, which means you may need to look up the term fait accompli right after you vote in this urgent national poll.

By Smaktakula

Is It Right That These Beautiful Creatures Should Be Slaughtered Only For Their Surprisingly Delicious Ear Meat?

Typically, we choose not to take a firm stance on controversial issues, preferring to pepper our words with outrageous half-truths and innuendo, to a large degree obfuscating our actual intent, granting us an exculpatory escape hatch of credible–or at least defensible–deniability should our stance prove unpopular. Promethean Times has been well-served by such non-action since publishing our first newsstand issue in 1927. However, in dark times such as these, when human conscience buckles under the weight of an unbearable evil and the soul cries out for justice, a venerated policy must be weighed against a stark new reality. For this reason, Promethean Times must take a stand–alone if necessary– against the metastasizing global cancer, puppy-killing.

Pupcicles: Drowning Speared Puppies Is A Favorite Inuit Pastime.

Promethean Times emphatically deplores the slaughter of puppies for sport. In many countries, puppy-killing is a tradition dating back hundreds or even thousands of years. Guatemala’s Fiesta de los Muertos Cachorro has long been a target for animal-rights activists, and roundly condemned by the general public for its bloodthirsty ferocity. Likewise, Belgians–renowned for their fanatical hatred of all living things–host the annual Night of Long Whimpering, which attracts puppyphobes from around the globe. In Senegal, where puppies’ claws are thought to cure river blindness, fly-blown puppy carcasses litter the roads where they have been cast, pawless, by poachers. The horrors faced by puppies in South Korea are so well-documented as to require no further description here.

Spending 22 Hours A Day In A Cardboard Box Is Bad, But Far Better Than What Awaits Them At The Brussels Sausage Factory.

Of course, these are only the most egregious examples of this sadistic bloodsport; a thousand smaller evils occur every day in our own towns and cities. Heretofore, puppy-killing has been a taboo subject, and like race or sexual fetishism, not discussed in polite company. However convenient it has been to avoid words like ‘canicide’ and thereby ignore the crisis at the world’s doorstep, the time has come to recognize the wholesale slaughter of innocent puppies for what it is: a burgeoning howlocaust.

What? We Were Talking About Puppies. Put Those Mewling Doorstops At The Bottom Of The Monongahela For All We Care.

By Smaktakula

"Hey! This Not A Rending Ribrary! You Buy Or You Get The Herr Out!"

Kim Jong-il, the once-feared despot of blighted hellhole North Korea, is said to be transitioning easily into his new life as a Compton, California liquor store owner. Although the blue-collar life might seem like a comedown from the palatial existence previously enjoyed by the tiny madman, ‘Lil Kim claims to be very happy.

Kim's Youngest Son Is Sorry To See The Old Man Go.

“Rife is so much easier now. I got none of the probrems of running rearry big and important country,” says the diminutive ex-despot, referring to the asswipe country he inherited from his own father and ran further into the ground. He has high hopes for the prospects of his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, who has taken over the reins of state in his stead. “My boy, ‘Ril ‘Ril Kim, gonna fuck South Korea up good!”

'Lil Kim Has Been Welcomed To The Neighborhood By Such Businessmen As Terry Davis, Owner Of Sandbox Liquor.

Although ‘Lil Kim isn’t at liberty to discuss the matter, it is believed he is joined in his exile by several other former world leaders. “Yeah, I see some famiriar faces–let’s put it that way. At reast I’m not . . . so ronery any more.”

"You Better Not Be Selling Any Goddamn Falafels! I Make The Mother Of All Falafels!"

Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

Dear God! At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON! Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

By Smaktakula

We're Not Making Excuses For N. Korea's Poor Performance, But The First Time The Team Saw An Actual Soccer Ball Was During The Match.

You have to admire those plucky North Koreans. Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.

Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics. Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.

By Smaktakula

In Another Time, Another Place--This Could Have Been The Kims. Perhaps Then They Wouldn't Be So . . . Ronery.

In the dismal, crumbling concrete tomb that is Pyongyang, there are small but increasingly hopeful signs of life. In a touching moment of bonding, dying despot Kim Jong-il is reportedly spending quality time with his youngest son and chosen successor, Kim Jong-un. ‘Lil Kim is said to be teaching ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim about the trials and tribulations of statecraft by launching an unprovoked attack on a South Korean island.

Father And Son: Only A Few Short Feet Separates Them, But They Are Divided By A Chasm As Huge And Unrelenting As Heartbreak.

Said a North Korean ambassador:

“The Great Leader knows that continuity is important to our great nation, and he has every confidence that when the day comes for the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un to take his rightful place as our terrible master, the transition will go smoothly and gloriously.”

He then added:

“Do you have any food? I would very much like some food.”

Launching a sneak attack against neighboring South Korea is thought to be an excellent bonding opportunity for North Korea’s two most powerful men, as Kims ‘Lil and ‘Lil ‘Lil are both fans of large-scale violence. According to sources, the elder Kim wants to show his son that the international community will huff and puff, but that as long as the repressive third-world regime dangles the nuclear carrot, will stand by helplessly.

"Seriousry? You're Afraid? Now, Risten To Me You Stuttering Toad--If They Were REARRY Gonna Do Anything, They Woulda Done It Rong Time Ago."*

Sources close to Pyongyang, who agreed to speak to Promethean Times upon conditions of anonymity and after being provided with food, said that Kim is doing more than preparing his son for leadership. “The Great Leader is hoping that by spending time with the boy, it will bolster his self-esteem. When the younger Kim is feeling better about himself, we expect to see an end to his Glorious Blossoming,” he said, employing the official euphemism for ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil weight problem.

'Lil 'Lil Kim Awaits Reaction To His New PR Campaign: "Meet The Un-Kim."