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With complimentary Stone kegs, an industrial beer cooler full of jungle juice, a host of DJ’s on deck, and a guest list packed with fresh faces all primed up for some questionable decision making, what could possibly go wrong? Hosting it in a condo, that’s what. I showed up a half hour into it and found pods of dorm people moping around the lawn with tales of noise complaints and legal intervention (-1 angry peasants).

Rumors were confirmed upon my entry but have no fear, someone’s roommate was having people over and we could move things over there (+1 thinking on our feet). A car ride later, we discover that “having people over” translates to “SAE holding a mixer for DG” in party speak (+1 sorostutes in a whoreoff competition). You can imagine just how stoked a bunch of frat boys in the midst of a mating ritual were to have us there and the awkward spread faster than a chlamydia strain in Warren housing as hordes of GDI’s filed in through the door (-1 pissed-off, half-naked bros).

The piece de resistance occurred when one of the crashers blew chow all over one of the DG(warning: shitty website) ladies (+1 keepin it classy). I was on my way out when one of the SAE bros blocked the door to share the puke story with the crowd as pretense to throwing everyone out. He then proceeded to bitch at me for not leaving, while continuing to block the door (-1 top-tier college student being completely counter-intuitive). We got back to the car as the po’s were rolling up so we cruised over to Castle Blackout and commenced forgetting this circle-jerk of a Saturday night. 0/5

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