Has everyone secretly been sneaking out and expressing their dogs’ anal glands without telling me? Seriously. Is this a thing?

Betty White, my sweet senior Maltese was scooting across the carpet in a most unattractive way. Yesterday, I took her to the veterinarian. The vet techs tried to “express the anal glands.” But, that was not Betty White’s problem. She simply had a bit of a rash.

Chatting with the tech, she explained, “Some dogs need their anal glands expressed. I express my dog’s every four weeks.”

“How do you know if they need to be expressed?”

“The dog will lick and scoot on the carpet,” she said.

I thought about Gus, my little sausage of a poodle-mix. He’d been licking and scooting.

Glancing at the door, I asked, “How late are you open? Based on that description, Gus needs his anal glands expressed.”

“We’re here until 5:30. Can you be back by then?”

It was 4:50.

“Yes.”

I drove home, picked up Gus and returned to the vet.

They expressed his anal glands. (I did not watch.)

Gus bounded out into the lobby after expressing himself. (Visions of Madonna in 1989 flashed through my mind.)

Being the only patient in the office, I did not worry about Gus being off leash while I paid. I looked over my left shoulder and saw him getting up from a squat. He left a pile the size of his head.

The techs said, “That happens.”

With 2,200 videos on YouTube about expressing anal glands, it must be a thing now.

Surprised by my new discovery and feeling a little left out of the loop, I messaged Mary-Ann. She explained, “Dogs normally do it when they poop and it is a rare thing to need them expressed . . . feed them pumpkin and fiber and they should be fine.”

Now, along with a high fiber diet, the dogs listen to “Express Yourself” while eating.