Monogamy works well for some but not others. Social status, religion, race, sexual orientation, and political philosophy don’t matter. Honesty, openness, love, commitment, communication, patience, and egalitarianism do.
Here I pass along what I’ve learned and teach at events on common challenges polyamorists encounter and their practical remedies, along with thoughts on related subjects such as community organizing, activism, and sexual freedom. Feel free to comment – and welcome!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

More on Tilda Swinton's Poly Family

Back in February when the fabulous actress Tilda Swinton won a best supporting actress oscar, I posted here about her win and details about her poly family and her lover, Sandro Kopp, all of which she has been very open about in the press.

Now the Australian online news source LiveNews has published an article called "Love Geometry" that tells us that Swinton's partner, John Byrne, has had another partner for two years now, 42 y.o. theatre lighting director Jeanine Davis. Byrne is quoted as saying "“It’s all very relaxed and amicable. We have not hidden away and Jeanine is very much part of my life. Tilda knows all about it and is more than happy with the situation. It’s all very relaxed and amicable. Tilda has Sandro and the arrangement works very well.”

I hope we'll see many more celebrities go public about their own open relationships - doing so will be quite a boon to mainstream tolerance and even acceptance of polyamory as a legitimate choice and relationship orientation.

7 comments:

i just found your blog and i really like it. i am one that struggles with monogomy myself. im not quite sure what it is about it, maybe the thrill of the chase, i dont know. but i do know that i really like your blog. :) I'll be back!

In a comment dated June 12, 2008 at 12:44 a.m. but received by me on December 9, 2008, and which I inadvertently deleted, Kyliemo said:

I think we have to be careful about using a phrase like 'legitimate choice' so freely. I assume the use of legitimate refers to polyamorous types wanting official recognition of their desire to have more than one partner at a time. So far, so political. But 'choice' is a tricky one. Whose choice are we talking about? Mine, because I want to carry on with other partners while also in a serious, committed relationship? How far is that a choice for my partner too? I don't object in theory - it's all about communication, consent - but I am uncomfortable with the easy way in which such a phrase is bandied about. And I think it's open to abuse. See the previous blogger's comment - 'maybe it's about the thrill of the chase, I don't know..', it's like polyamory is a kind of permission for a relationship free-for-all in which it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process.

Kyliemo, then I'll be more specific - polyamory is a legitimate choice for those who choose to choose it. In no way am I implying that anyone who isn't interested should do so, whether partnered to a polyamorous partner or not. Neither do I intend the phrase to indicate anything at all about a free for all, never did. Quite the opposite - anyone who knows me through the educational programs I present will verify that I always emphasize that it is essential that all involved give their consent free of coercion, and everyone's concerns and feelings should be heard and strongly considered before decisions are made.

Only responsible, caring, ethical people succeed at polyamory - none of those are likely to engage in any sort of free-for-all relationship because they know it is ethically wrong and will lead to much pain and suffering for others and as loving, ethical people would not put their loved ones through that pain in so callous a fashion.

I have to wonder whether you've been subjected to someone who claimed to be poly but did not act in the manner I describe above, or whether perhaps you've known someone who did. Unethical wanna-be polyamorists give the rest of us a bad name.

Hope this is more clear. Polyamory indeed is a legitimate choice for those who choose it with all involved giving consent. I use the phrase in the context of the many people out there who delegitimize it, criticize us for our choise and consider it ethically/morally wrong. It isn't when all is honest and transparent, and if we poly activists don't make that point, we will continue to be discriminated against and ostracized by family, friends, co-workers, have child custody challenges and lose our jobs based solely on our relationship choice.

Thanks for your comment. :) Sorry about accidentally deleting your comment - I was trying to delete my own because I found a typo in it. Like I said too early and too little coffee for me to be allowed to type.

Anita's Liberal Identity:

According to this fun test, I am a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. I am a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.