Monday, January 31, 2011

When the low rent Examiner rehashes a story, it's usually already been printed in one of the other Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Globe or the Enquirer. This week, they rehash a story originally printed in People, the news that newly divorced John Mellencamp is dating Meg Ryan. She is 14 years his junior, but his ex-wife was 19 years his junior, so this may be a sign he is becoming more mature in his dotage.

In this picture, given his vise-like grip on her arm, his weapon-like walking stick and leather jacket, it doesn't look so much like a date as it does an abduction.

Because she is now a judge on American False Idol, expect to see more J. Lo stories in 2011. In Touch features the singer on the cover this week, with promises on the cover of the real dirt about the divorce rumors, her explosive fights with Marc Anthony and how the children have brought them together. "We don't go to bed angry anymore." J. Lo says.

Hon, here's a clue. You don't go to bed angry anymore. Your little poodle of a husband, he might still be a tad angry.

Us Weekly promises secrets from the TV show franchise Real Housewives this week. There are two pictures on the cover, one blond and one brunette, but they assume we know these people as well as we know real celebrities, so no names are given. I didn't open up the magazine to find out who, but I had two good reasons.

I just read the covers and report on them.

I do not give a rat's rectum about any of these shows, much to the dismay of commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive.

Note to gossip rag editors: Putting a picture on the cover without a caption might be okay for the Obamas or BrAngelina or Wills'N'Kate, but not for these reality TV nobodies.

At the request of Karen Zipdrive, I went to the Us Weekly website, and the story they have this week there is about Camille Grammer (blond) and Kyle Richards (brunette).

The Globe returns to a story they got right earlier this year, that Nancy Reagan is mightily upset at her youngest Ron Jr., who had the gall to print what everybody looking at the facts already knows, that daddy Ronnie was showing signs of Alzheimer's while he was in office, though the official diagnosis happened afterwards. Since the Globe calls it a war, some of the other children may be involved. It's interesting that those that sprung from the loins of Nancy are fairly liberal, while the older kids, adopted Michael and Jane Wyman spawn Maureen, are part of the "Dad was the greatest" crowd.

The late Reagan's 100th birthday is coming up, so expect to hear conservatives tell us what a terrific success he was, except for the parts about massively increasing the debt, funding Osama Bin Laden, getting 200+ Marines killed in Lebanon for no good reason, trading arms for hostages and breaking international law by funding the Contras and committing acts of war like mining Nicaragua's ports.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

OK! often runs short and generally sweet headlines, or as the case is here, something that is completely vague. Being given the benefit of the doubt on the cover is about the nicest treatment Angelina Jolie gets from any of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are loath to give up the story of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, even after Sandy made a very clear and clean break back early last summer. But Jesse is planning to tie the knot and this is supposed to be an affront to Sandy's womanhood. Here are the headlines.

Star: Jesse's final insult and Sandra's revenge

In Touch: Sandra taunted by Jesse

Us Weekly: Sandra stabbed in the heart!How she found outMore lies are exposed and Sandra's cheater brags about his bride to beHow she's coping and the photos he didn't want you to see

None of the stories name Jesse's bride-to-be by name, so I'll leave her out of this as well.

Of course, if Ms. Underwood does deliver a little bundle of joy this summer, I'll come back and get rid of the "Star fail" label on this post. In general, I believe the denials of publicity hacks before I believe the claims of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

So this Saturday morning, I decided to hold my nose and print all the headlines from the reality shows I like the least, Teen Mom and The Bachelor. OK! tells us the worst fears of Teen Mom's Leah have come true. This probably refers to the fact one of her twins has been diagnosed with a disability.

More news about this season of The Bachelor from The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week. OK! discusses Bachelor Brad's criminal past and how he will prove he's a changed man. They also have pictures of five of the women and offer their fitness tips.

Weekly Life & Style says Brad's a heartbreaker and promise to tell what these people are hiding, including cheating, catfights and plastic surgery.

Weekly Life & Style also features two of the female contestants. According to the magazine, Bachelorette Chantal is still in love with her ex.

And from what I've read online, Bachelorette Michelle is the one bringing the crazy this season. It has come to light that she had an affair with basketball player Carlos Boozer a few years back which led to the dissolution of his marriage.

I'm sure there are more details inside the magazine and I'm also sure I don't want to know about them.

Friday, January 28, 2011

There are some celebrity stories in which I have no interest, like Real Housewives, and some that I actively detest, like Teen Mom. But if I were to choose a celebrity story that has finally bored me to tears, it would be Kendra Wilkinson. Nothing this woman does is interesting. The stories blur into each other and I have a hard time telling if there is any new information in a story, let alone whether that information is true.

Do you ever get tired of story after story about who is gay and who isn't in Hollywood? If so, you probably do not have a future career as a writer in the AMI kennel, most especially at the low rent Examiner. There are nine people pictured on the cover this week.

Here are the ones who are openly gay.

Neil Patrick Harris

Jane Lynch

Meredith Baxter

Here are the ones who aren't, and personally I consider it none of my business with whom they are having sex.

Paula Deen

Jon Cryer

Marcia Cross (rumors a few years ago, all denied)

Simon Cowell (there are more rumors about someone else on Idol)

Alex Trebek

Michael Weatherly

I do not know what the article said about these people and I really don't care, because the low rent Examiner lies through their teeth way too often.

For anyone coming in on the middle of this story, understand that the National Enquirer in particular and most of the magazines published by AMI in general have it in for Scientology, and they pick on John Travolta and his family on a regular basis. This week, they have a mean cover story that Travolta's wife Kelly Preston is going to publish that favorite sacred text of the tabloids, the tell all book. Here are the details from the sub headlines.

19 years of secrets

Baby Ben's medical crisis

Truth about John's gay affairs

What really happened the day their son Jett died

I have no love for Scientology, but I hate liars even more. Right now, the Travoltas are presenting a united family front and they have a new baby. If she wanted to write those things for money, she'd probably get more dough putting them in a bill of divorcement. Yet again, the Enquirer gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week for yet another salvo in their war against the Travoltas.

The Flagship continues the story of the wandering eye (and other body parts) of Todd Palin, who they still refer to as "Sarah Palin's husband" on the cover. They also have a picture of the massage therapist (in this case, read "hooker") who makes the claim she got horizontal with The First Dude, and the woman in the picture is not particularly attractive, which makes the story harder to believe. Since last week's story of Todd's faithlessness won Meanest Story of the Week, this one also gets nominated.

A couple weeks ago, the Globe got their first story right in quite a spell when Regis Philbin announced his retirement about a month after the Globe had said he would retire. Since they are on a roll, the Middle Wicked Step Sister tabloid decided this week to up their bet and tell us Regis, who will turn 80 in August, is dying.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

According to two of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, the on again-off again romance of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal is on again. The story is that Jake went to Nashville unannounced to try a reconciliation. Here are the headlines.

We've had several Kim Kardashian stories in the new year, but none about with whom she is hooking up.

I mean really. Nobody is hitting that? That's just wrong.

Welcome to the best (and shortest lasting) job in gossip hell, Kris Humprhies! Kris and Kim have made their love known on Twitter, which makes it about as official as you can get in 2011, and Kim has been quoted that if she has a kid, she wants the baby to look like Kris.

I looked for confirmation online and found it, But Kim's mom Kris Jenner says he hasn't met the family yet. There's another part of gossip hell that can't be anywhere near as fun as hooking up with Kim K.

Exercise guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96 on Sunday, and People has one if its standard respectful tributes on the front cover, with a picture and the years of his birth and death. His TV started locally in San Francisco back in 1951 and went nationwide in 1959, so he definitely counts as Hey Old Timer Gossip, but because of his infomercials for his juicer, the younger generation will also have an idea who he is. He was obviously way ahead of the curve when it comes to nutrition and exercise.

Who knows if the Globe or the Examiner will bother to tell us about the dark secret he took to his grave, but right now we just the tribute and not the trash.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Star devotes most of the cover this week to Jennifer Aniston's plans to adopt a baby from Mexico, which means she's Pulling a Partial Bullock™. For a Bullock Pull to be complete, a woman has to adopt to get recent stories of a man dumping her out of the gossip rags. Here are the many details from the sub-headlines.

Yes, I'm adopting!

Papers signed and sealed

Orphanage officials talk to Star

Using Courteney's nanny

You'll have to agree that is a boatload of details. The thing is the story is already being denied. Unless the denials are retracted later, this has to count as the biggest fail of the new year so far.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Bret Michaels made the gossip rags regularly last year after his sudden hospitalization, but most of the recent stories about him have been about everything being fine, his family being his rock in troubled times and the fact he finally proposed to his baby mama. But this week, it's back to stories about his health as Weekly Life & Style says he is about to undergo some brave new surgery. Checking online, the surgery has taken place and it repaired a whole in his heart.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lindsay Lohan, usually mentioned in the gossip rags for her scrapes with the law and troubles with substances, instead gets a positive story this week. In Touch quotes friends of hers saying she has a new fella.

Welcome to (American) gossip hell, Tom Hardy. The British actor is not a household name in the United States yet, but he did come to the attention of American audiences as Eames the identity forger in the hit movie Inception last summer.

OK! decided to put Khloe Kardashian and Kate Hudson together this week as being both pregnant and betrayed. I split it into two blog posts. Kate's father is planning to do a "tell all book" and Kate is fighting it.

The Globe says they have secret tapes of Jackie Kennedy revealed by her daughter Caroline. In them, she says who killed J.F.K. and she talks about how heartbroken she was over his affair with Marilyn Monroe.

The tapes actually exist and Caroline Kennedy has decided to release them on the 50th anniversary of her father's inauguration. We will see how juicy they are soon enough.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

photos from Woman's Day (Australia)Publication: StarDate: 31 January 2011

While Kelly Preston was pregnant, the AMI kennel told every possible story about her. She was having twins. She was having a miscarriage. She wasn't really pregnant, there was a secret surrogate. There was last minute drama, reported weeks before the baby arrived. The baby came from an egg donor.

Then the baby arrived and the Globe ran a story about the fears for her new son Benjamin. That was early December and now that story gets repeated in late January by the Globe.

Okay, AMI. We get it. You hate Scientologists. Personally, I don't care for the cult very much myself. But leave the baby alone, will ya?

Pick on Scientologists Day continues here at It's News 2 Them™, and this time it's The Flagship picking on Lisa Marie Presley, who they say collapsed recently. Here are the sub-headlines.

Loses shocking 55 lbs. in 5 months!

Husband rushes to save her as she falls to floor

Flies to L.A. for treatment

Health secret she's hiding

Okay, let me get a little mathy here. (Those who know me know I can't help it.) Five months is about 22 weeks, so that means she was losing two and a half pounds a week on average. That's not shocking, that's good steady progress. But by the rules of the AMI kennel, if a Scientologist does a thing, it is by definition shocking or bad. Gain weight, lose weight, FAIL to lose weight... bad, bad, bad!

This week, Tuesday is Pick on Scientologists Day! Most of the nastiest stories about the people in the weird cult come from the AMI kennel, but this one is from In Touch, the meanest of the "regular" supermarket rags, with about one in three positive stories. (Note: that isn't even close to the Three Wicked Step Sister rags, who average one positive story in every nine.) In any case, yet again we have a story saying Suri Cruise is an out of control brat whose parents give her way too much leeway.

Monday, January 24, 2011

According to the Flagship, Queen Latifah is having a baby. Checking out stuff online for confirmation, this story is likely premature. According to the website TotalBeauty.com, Latifah and her partner Jeanette Jenkins are thinking about the possibility, but it hasn't gone any farther than that.

The last few labels for Wills'N'Kate stories have actually been about Camilla and how upset she is, but this week the low rent Examiner does a story about the wedding itself. They promise details inside about the dresses, food and bridesmaids.

As I said before, there's not enough drama to keep this on the front page of most of the gossip rags, and the story right now is being continued by the Globe and Examiner, which besides being mean tabloids also tend to be more interested in the Royals than the other checkout stand mags.

I don't follow the Teen Mom shows at all, but The Only Ten Magazines That Matter expect that their target demographic is on a first name basis with these people. There are two cover stories about the wedding of Leah (Messer) to her baby daddy Corey (Simms).

OK! Leah's Wedding: Corey's Change Of Heart

Weekly Life & Style: Inside Teen Mom Leah's Wedding

The people who produce this show say they don't glamorize teen pregnancy, and the fact that one of Leah's twins has a disability is evidence to that effect. Still, these kids are put on TV, and that alone is some bizarre currency in today's society, and get paid a boatload of cash to boot. Going on this show is like winning some weird lottery no science fiction or fantasy writer could have ever imagined.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

So this is still the hot story of the beginning of 2011, the triangle between Scarlett, Ryan and Sandra. There are three different stories on the covers of three different magazines and they barely agree at all.

Star: The Bitter Showdown! Scarlett confronts Sandra over Ryan

In Touch: Ryan wants Scarlett back

Weekly Life & Style: Sandra puts baby over romance. Is she afraid to love again?Plus, inside her meeting with Scarlett

As I have often written, when the tabloids disagree this much, it's hard to tell who is telling the truth, but it's a sure thing the story isn't over.

Is Khloe Kardashian pregnant? A lot of gossip sources say yes, and the family isn't saying. The fact that she and hubby Lamar Odom are getting their own show would point to yes. But of course, to keep a story going, you need a new twist, and this week OK! says that she has been betrayed by some unnamed party. From what I know about their show, somebody is always having a tiff with someone else, but then something else happens and all is mended again.

In the fall, they were the cutest new celebrity couple, but fall turned to winter and Jake and Taylor were through. Who's to blame? The Only Ten Magazines That Matter would have it that he was a cad, but now a new wrinkle has been added.

Or should I say a new lack of wrinkles? Welcome to (adult) gossip hell, Camilla Belle! Weeks after breaking up with Taylor, Jake has been seen escorting the 24 year old actress around. The thing that makes this cruel, according to In Touch, is that Camilla also stole Taylor's last boyfriend away as well.

Ms. Belle has been working in films since before she was ten and, like almost anyone that age in the business these days, spent time working in projects for the Disney Channel. She was previously romantically linked with Joe Jonas, if that is the correct adverb.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Sarah Palin wanted fame and fortune and now she's got it. It may not last, but early this year she is one of the favorite targets of The Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner. The Enquirer had a story this week about Todd tomcatting around on her, and now the Globe is reporting she is having a breakdown, saying the tragedy in Tuscon has pushed her over the edge.

Sarah Palin has a lot of qualities that make some people love her and some people hate her. She speaks to her base very effectively, she's physically attractive, her story resonates with regular folks trying to get by. She also is very confrontational and nothing is ever, ever her fault. But I think the thing that has made her go through the roof and even catch the attention of the tabloids is the instant celebrity part of her story. In some ways, she's like Susan Boyle or Joe The Plumber or the homeless announcer guy Ted Williams, but unlike them, the press cannot seem to get enough of her, for good or for ill.

There are several types of Jennifer Aniston stories. There are the "she looks hot" stories, there are the "she's getting Brad back" stories, there are the "she can't find a fella" stories and the "she hates Angie or vice versa" stories. Last week, the Globe fired the opening salvo in an entirely new front on the tabloid assault on Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston is a drunk.

The story from last week has taken a step up from the Globe to the Enquirer, which says that she has binges with vodka, wine, tequila and champagne (hopefully not all in the same evening) and she is headed to rehab, which usually means the editors of the magazine think she should go to rehab, though she may have other ideas, a la Amy Winehouse.

As always, I have no inside information, but if she's still palling around with Chelsea Handler and trying to keep up with her, she may be headed for trouble

Just in case your calendar is on the fritz, you might need reminding that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston six years ago now to hook up with Angelina Jolie. According to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, it happened about a week ago. It's Hollywood's Evergreen Betrayal.

So In Touch needs to tell us that Queen Bitch Angelina Jolie is bullying poor little nice girl Jennifer Aniston again. Probably stealing her lunch money or making her sit at the table with all the math geeks or something.

I have speculated many times that the Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner, are not really competitors for stories, but instead collude as to not step on each others' headlines. This week we have evidence against my theory, as both the Globe and the low rent Examiner go after Oprah Winfrey yet again, this time for being fat.

Yet again.

The Globe just attacks the Queen. "Oprah's 30 lb. mac and cheese binge!" Note the irony that the woman who could buy Australia is getting fat on the preferred food of broke ass college students everywhere.

The low rent Examiner surprisingly digs deeper. "Oprah/Gayle pack on 100 lbs. binge eating over failing new network!" They have a very unflattering picture allegedly of Gayle, usually the much trimmer of the two.

And so we get the first pair of stories to share a Meanest Story nominee.

If it's a competition for Meanest Story of the Week, it is only fit and proper the The Flagship has at least one nominee. This week they go with the story that the Palin marriage is in trouble. According to the Enquirer headline writers, Todd is such a forgettable nobody that the headline reads, "Sarah Palin's husband caught up in sex scandal! The woman who threatens their marriage!"

As little as I might like these two, they've raised five kids (with mixed results) through thick and thin and I doubt either one of them wants to get off the gravy train now. The Enquirer loves to print this stuff because they know how thin-skinned she is and that she has to respond to everything. There is yet another Sarah story in the tabs this week, but this one gets a Meanest Story nominee.

As I mentioned when I started this blog, there are two couples who are always about to split up according to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, BrAngelina and TomKat. The working premise is that if things were normal they would separate, so clearly if they are together, things cannot be normal. Star is claiming Katie Holmes is messed up on drugs and that's the reason she can't leave Tom Cruise. There is some irony in this, given how much Scientologists in general and Tom Cruise in particular hate psychotropic drugs.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

It has been confirmed that man slut Jesse James and his skanky tattoo pal Kat Von D are engaged to be married. Apparently, they have been tweeting about it for over a week and it took this long for anyone to notice. There might be something on a cover of a supermarket rag next week, but maybe not. In terms of fame, he traded way down.