Saturday, July 14, 2012

Top Ten Reasons Why I Never Called You Back

There have been several women who have told me that I have a way of casually walking into people's lives and leaving the same way I came. One minute the two of us could be the best of friends (and potential lovers) and the next minute I am no where to be found. This happened a lot in my early twenties/college years. There were a lot of women that entered my life during this period, but they quickly found themselves getting my voicemail for a variety of reasons. Why? Let me count the reasons....

***Warning some items on this list might seem superficial, but I'm just being honest. This list is not in any particular order.***

1). Your Pussy Skank: I can't stand a woman that doesn't take care of herself. I've met chicks who looked damn good in the club, but two days later when we met up outside of the club they looked like crackheads. I mean the weave was twisted, their lips were chapped, skin was ashy as hell, face looked like they just had a stroke, clothes were wrinkled and unkempt and their breath was kicking from cigarettes and weed.

One thing I'm sure of is this: If a woman fails to take care of her physical appearance you can bet she ain't taking care of her pussy/feminine hygiene either. Nasty!

2). You Had Roaches In Your Crib: This ranks right up there with number one. If I come over to your place and it's nasty as hell I'm not coming back. I'm not exactly a neat freak but I was raised to keep a clean house. I can remember going over to one woman's house and seeing the motherfucking roaches coming out of her stove. I stopped talking to that woman the same damn day. Nasty!

3). You Are Masculine/Lacking Femininity: If I wanted a man I would be with one. If you have too much bass in your voice or just sound like a nigga chances are you won't see or hear from me again. If you physically look like a man or a little boy we don't have a thing to talk about. I like feminine women. Tomboys might get a pass depending on how they working it, but studs and straight up aggressive chicks get no love from me.

4). Your Ass Got Kids: I don't want a woman with a ready-made family. I don't care what your story is or how you got them. The reality is those motherfuckers are yours and yours alone. I'm not about to rearrange my life and future plans (i.e., the size of any future property I buy) to accommodate you and Tyrone's kids. Sorry...this shit ain't happening...

5). You Are A Hoe: It's amazing to me how many women have slept around like there is no tomorrow, but don't consider themselves promiscuous hoes. I can count the number of women I've slept with on one hand. For some women it would take about fifteen hands for them to count all their sexual escapades (that's if they know that number at all). I had a woman, claiming to be a lesbian, tell me she slept with 25 MEN before the age of 15. Where I'm from that's called a WHORE. I don't care how good you look...if you've been around the block and back your trick ass can keep it moving. I don't want some chick that's been the cum dumpster for several happy niggas.

6). You're A Hoodrat: If you're sitting around bragging about how much you get every month in foodstamps (true story) while walking around with expensive multicolored weave flowing down your back you are a fucking hoodrat! This coupled with a body full of tattoos (some of which are the names of your dead baby daddies), ebonic plagued speech, and ratchet behavior (sticking your cell phone in your bra and digging for that shit in front of people, yelling at librarians about your fines because you decided to keep that library book three years back, and blaming society when your welfare benefits are cut off) are a TURN OFF. You might fool the hell out of my ass in the dim lights of a club, where your phat ass resembles that of any video vixen, but please believe common sense prevails the next day once the lights are on!

7). You're Actually Bisexual: This goes without saying. I would never knowingly date a bisexual. So if later on down the line I begin to suspect you like the dick it's game over. I cannot be with a chick that likes men. I am a homosexual and I prefer another homosexual.

8). You Lack Goals And Ambition: There ain't nothing like a black woman with a brain that can give some brain! I like a chick with a mind of her own who can hold her own against my intelligent ass. I'm out here trying to get my weight up. I have two degrees. That means you need to be on the same page as me. If you're 28 years old and just deciding to pursue some type of higher education we can't be together. I'm all for people getting any education no matter their age, but I desire someone who is on the same page as me. My mate needs to have herself together or be in the process (as in almost there...finishing graduate school, law school, whatever) of getting herself together.

9). Your Ass & Titties Weren't Big Enough: I like booty and I like titties. I need something to grab on. If you are skinny as hell we can't do business. I don't want a stick. I don't want a woman with a body of a little girl (or a little boy for that matter). I don't want an obese/fat chick either. I desire a woman with the infamous coke bottle shape. Maybe it's because I'm from the south or maybe it's because I've spent too much time in Magic City strip club, but I like a phat ass, slim waist and some big titties. A woman with a flawless coke bottle shape and a beautiful face is my idea of a beautiful woman. In college I once dated a woman who was skinny as hell. I remember one day she and I cuddled up on her couch to watch TV. I put my hand on her ass and I said, "Damn...I don't have anything to grab on...all I feel is a bone!" She was embarrassed, but I was being honest.

10). I Wasn't Really Interested In You To Begin With: If I never called you back or simply fell out of your life the truth of the matter is I was probably never interested in you to be begin with. Most of the women who have entered my life approached me...not the other way around. So if I just stopped picking up the phone or never called you back it's because I wasn't really feeling you.

About Me

Life is not simple for a black woman who identifies as a lesbian. I come here to freely express myself. This blog is about my life and my take on the world around me. I'm funny, old-fashioned, selfish, stubborn, loving, caring, romantic and a real asshole at times.

Anything else you wanna know...ask!

Feel free to comment, but don't expect my opinion to match yours. If you wanna chat email me at lezintellect@gmail.com.

If you have a question click the "Ask Me Anything" button at the top of the blog and visit my formspring HERE. If you wanna hate turn around and walk away. I don't have time for haters.