MIL wants to celebrate important wedding anniversary with big family get together in antiques infested chintzy country hotel. This want work with madly active 2.5 YO DS will it?

We live abroad but will begoing back to Uk this summer for a few weeks and renting a family friendly apartment in London so we can see family and friends and manage DS n safe space,continue with routine etc. (DS NEEDS routine or turns impossible. Possible ASD issues, being investigated. Not good in social situations at all,we don't/can't do restaurants etc yet, bad sleeper etc).

MIL wants us all to attend big family get together at country hotel several hours away. Spindly antique tables with china vases of flowers at grab height. Piles of cushions and curtains to climb and pull. Breakables everywhere. All very exquisite and hair curlingly posh. Well heeled older people sipping sherry in quiet peace. Croquet on lawn. Fine dining with tablecloths and silver,mlnen, glassware etc.

DS is 2 now but I can't see him being any less prone to destruction, climbing, running about, letting off wild shrieks etc by the summer. WIBU to say sorry we just can't do this and please come over for a nice lunch with us instead where we can manage DS? Or maybe just send DH up for the meal and overnight gathering?

It's sad we won't see the whole family but I don't see how to manage it. And if its an evening meal DS will be in bed and one of us will have to stay up in rom with him missing the meal anyway.

What does your DH say? I would suggest he goes on his own and you arrange a separate lunch or similar where you can meet up with the ILs and have another, smaller, celebration. I can't understand why anyone thinks this sort of occasion is appropriate for young children .

Guess it will have to be DH. Parents of mad 2.5 year old toddlers, would you think it would be do-able? I don't think it is fair to expect DS to manage to spend 48 hours in a quiet place filled with breakables being quiet, he is too small to understand and I can't carry or hold him 24/7.

Say thank you for the invitation, very kind, but we don't want to do that with ds. (V. important to say "we don't want to" - there is no arguing with that).

Obv it would be nice if MIL said - ooh, what would suit you better then? But if she's planned it already then all you can do is say no, it won't work for us, we do hope you have a nice time.

We have friends with children who live abroad. They used to run themselves ragged by travelling around to see everyone when they came back to the UK. Then they started saying "we will be at x location for x dates, if you'd like to visit, let us know when". They do the travelling from abroad, we all travel within the uk to see them. They get to see the people who really care about them. It works well!

No friends there, is tiny village hundreds of miles from London. No other accommodation there. We used to live in London, have friends there hence staying there as a base when visit UK. Would have to hire car and drive there and stay for weekend. Feel terrified at thought of it.

Bertha, that's what we are doing. Hiring flat in London and asking people to drop round. Impossible to drive about staying with people especially with toddler. Easier to have base and play host and go out/stay in on our own terms.

Btw, I'd have done it with dc1 (quiet calm child) but not with dc2 - I'd have spent the whole time taking him off somewhere else to keep him busy/happy/stop him disturbing people, and it would have been hard work and lonely. And no one ever thought he had asd, he was just being a 2yo.

I'd also object to "send dh by himself" actually. You're presumably having a holiday? Not really ok to spend a couple of days of your holiday alone with your hard-work toddler, is it? If it was my mum having a primadonna all-about-me-never-mind-the-children family party I wouldn't expect to leave dh alone with the kids during our holiday so I could go.

Oh, what a shame if you and your son didn't goIt sounds important to your in-laws, can you not just go, grit your teeth and survive for 48 hours.Your attendance matters to them and it sounds like there are some sentimental reasons they have chosen this hotel

Nottingham is do-able for a day-trip from London, if you are happy to hire a car and spend several hours travelling each way with your DS. Could you arrange to go along for a few hours to see everyone, maybe for the afternoon? Might be a reasonable compromise?

TBH even driving more than an hour or two with DS is going to be very challenging. I can grit my teeth all I like. But it won't change the fact that not only DS but everyone else in that hotel will have a very bad time of it. I will have to spend the entire time removing him and standing outside with him because he is noisy and he screams and he won't stop running and exploring and if I try to hold his hand or put him in a chair he will wriggle go floppy, bang his head and scream. How can I do that for a while weekend in a quiet country hotel? He won't be able to manage an evening meal,mi don't even think he could manage breakfast at a table with a table cloth without smearing butter, pulling cloth off knocking over flowers, chucking silverware, and wanting to jump up and run about. He can't sit still for 20 minutes. He covers his face and cries if strange people talk to him or touch him. And all the family will be strange to him.

It will not be enjoyable for anyone and MIL will be embarrassed and upset by the slightest social faux pas.

How understanding is your MIL about your DS? I ask because if she's going to get professionally offended at a "sorry, that doesn't work for us" answer, then personally I'd nod and make all the right noises, then send your DH alone while you stay in your London base with your DS who will be suffering with some very inconvenient illness, what a shame.