Not a good night

Yesterday afternoon and evening was not what I would call a good one. I was having a bipolar meltdown. I know the script of the movie that usually occurs when I need to talk about how I feel, especially when it comes to husband and family. So, I write and I did. The words were of how I'm a horrible, lazy, person who does not take care of my husband, family, anything around the house (I couldn't tell you the last time I cleaned more than 2 rooms) and that I'm not worthy of even wasting another precious day of God's gift of life. I love my husband deeply but I'm sick of his pattern of coming home from work, going straight out to the garage to start up his work computer, opening a beer and popping in a movie. He stays out there and works from home (which he doesn't get paid for), piddles around with stuff, fixing some stuff and having a few beers. He rarely comes in to have dinner and we don't sleep in the same room. I just want some attention and conversation. We might talk 5 minutes a day and now that I don't go out to smoke we don't even talk that long. It hurts.

Then I realized that I get more love and support from people on this site that I don't even know than I do from my family!

So today is another day and I'll do my best to pick myself up and brush of the quicksand. I'll try to do better at life than I did yesterday. I'll try to care more about the good things and not focus on what I feel is missing. I'll have that chat with the lady in the glass and work towards loving her. There is one thing that I REFUSE to do, smoke! If I have strength enough for that I can make it through another challenging bipolar day.

There are days I threaten to cross stitch a pillow that says: " We are born. Life is a b*tch. And then we die." But - then, like you, I pick myself up, dust myself off and start off a new day, trying to find SOMETHING in it that brings me joy. Perhaps it would help if you task yourself with finding something each day, too. Or, perhaps, write each evening one thing for which you are grateful. I assume you have enough to eat ---- and that can be enough some days?. And don't forget - the only yardstick that matters is your own. YOU are enough; what you are able to do IS enough, you are a valuable and loved person. Try not to forget that, either!

I don't suffer with mental illness or any of the daily struggles with pain of some here, but I do find that life can be challenging. If you aren't smoking over what you have been dealt, then you have something EVERY day for which to be proud! Don't forget that!

I am very proud of myself that I still don't want to smoke even if things are going rough for me. It's a first. It's another day and I am going to have a great one come heck or high water! I'm working on an embroidery project so that helps when I need a mental break too. Thanks for your encouraging words

I know how you feel. I was in a relationship like that, single now, still does not make life better. I have tons of family around me and I still feel like I am facing the world alone. I am trying this again and I know they are not going to be there for me and I have accepted that. Sometimes I forget that I am not the only one that has struggles. Thank you for being open, you are an encouragement and I will keep you in my prayers.

Your welcome. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is comforting to know there are people we don't even know supporting us in not only smoking cessation but with all the crap that goes on in our lives. You're not alone. This site has more therapeudic people than any professional I've been to. Feel free to contact me anytime for any reason. Doesn't have to be smoking related. We'll make it through

Julie, First of all CONGRATULATIONS on 30 days of freedom, that is a milestone....I am really proud of you. I am sorry to say that I know how you feel from personal experience. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been for over 33 years...he seems to have exchanged his addiction to alcohol to an addiction to things...he hoards the strangest things and the idea is that he is going to sell them because they are worth money. Seriously...they are worth money??? Then SELL them and stop piling them in the basement. There are days when I certainly feel like I am in this life alone...we have not slept in the same room in years but that is my choice. He does not help around the house...he only mows the lawn when we get a threatening letter from the city. He has not contributed financially in three years and before that, it was sporadic at best. I have many people ask me why I stay, I can't answer that to anyone's satisfaction. I can tell you that there are many days when I don't clean the way I should, I have to budget my energy and oftentimes the energy I have goes into things other than cleaning. I actually wrote this response this morning but then everything that could distract me seemed to happen all at once.

I was just considering what you said about your husband hoarding things in the basement and I wondered if you had ever taken one or two small items, maybe from near the bottom of the pile, put them in your car and took them to a dumpster. Would he even notice that those items were gone? It may be that he has collected so much crap he doesn't even know what he has down there anymore. If he asks where they are you could just tell him that you don't know, that you wouldn't have touched anything because it was his stuff not yours, and that it must be there somewhere. Just wondering. I can be a devious little Bi--H when I need to

Believe me, I have thought about it but the stuff is so precariously balanced down there that if I tried to move something, it would likely be that a pile of stuff would fall down. Much of the stuff is from the old house, it is badly damaged from the fire and it SMELLS. I cannot breathe down there for more than a few minutes. There have been time when I was down there that it made me wheeze so badly that I had to use my inhaler as soon as I got up the stairs. I have asked him to get the stuff out of there...seriously, it is an illness. The American Psychiatric Association has recognized hoarding as a form of OCD and it is a very difficult thing to treat, let alone, cure. He is more attached to his THINGS than he is to his family. It is sad but it is also true. Years ago, I left for six months and went to live in NY thinking that it would shock him into changing...it actually made things much worse. I took many things out of the house just in case he got angry and decided to get rid of MY stuff. He never even noticed and I took out several carloads. It wasn't HIS stuff so he didn't care. I put the stuff in storage and took some with me to NY to my daughter's house. I just might have been more miserable than he was. Thanks for the suggestion though.

Dang, it was worth a shot. He sounds like someone that is saying 'I don't have a problem, and I don't need any medicines, it's just a hobby'. I know hoarding is a mental illness as I have known other hoarders in my time and they have all said the same about themselves in one way or another. That doesn't make it any easier for you because your'e the one that is stuck dealing and living with it. I have a kinda personal question so if you don't want to answer it that's fine. He knows that what's in the basement is detrimental to your health and probably his as well. Doesn't he care that his 'treasures' are causing more medical problems for you and probably him as well? Like I said you don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I am praying for you, your health, and well-being. Hugs!

Oh, I'll answer, yes, he knows, he knew that the stuff in the house that burned was detrimental not only to my physical health but to the psychological health of our kids. He just keeps saying that it is going to change, he is going to start selling things and, of course, those things are worth a LOT of money in his mind. I cannot tell you how many things burned in that house and how he mourns those things every single day. I think there is some early dementia going on as well and there is no way that he can put my health above his stuff. He works in the basement for hours and hours at night and I cannot ever even see a change when I go down there. It always looks like a jungle and aside from the fumes from the dust and the mildew and the burned items...it is dangerous to navigate down there. He is probably less stable walking than I am, he is overweight and has a hip replacement that is almost 30 years old so his balance is compromised. Believe me, I have tried everything, including an intervention with family members involved. I am sure that if it accelerates my COPD and he is TOLD that by a medical professional, he will still be able to come up with a different reason why I am getting worse. I do not have the energy to fight about it every day, I just can't do it...believe me, I have tried.

I will likely never refuse to answer a question, it is just not who I am.

I wish that he was in a better state of mind for your family's well doing. I hope he's not getting dementia/Alzheimer's. My paternal grandmother and my father had Alzheimer's. It was really hard to watch them go downhill. My mother and I took care of my grandmother who moved in this us. Every day I came home from high school and took over her care from the day sitter we hired. My dad started developing it in his early 60's. My mother took care of him at home until he stopped eating and he had to go into the hospital. He died about a week later. I hope your husband is just OCD or something that can be treated medically, because the road ahead can be a nightmare, something I don't wish on any living creature. I can only say I sympathize with your situation. I'm sure you still love each other, but that doesn't get the hoarded items out of the basement or make the dust and other air contamination go away. My prayers are with you.

I usually keep my personal information and identity pretty anonymous online. I despise facebook, twitter and whatever other social media and don't use it except to see how my family is doing here and there. I seem to be able to open up a little on this site for some reason! I guess it's because we all have 2 goals in common. We're getting support to get free and clean from smoking and we're giving the same support to everyone here that needs it, any time or place. If you want to 'talk' please know that I will have an open ear and a shoulder to cry on, or to just plain chat, contact me. I will continue to pray hard for all of you!

Bless your heart. I have been friends with elvan for a few years now, and she can use all the love and support she can get! I have been fortunate to spend time with her and I cherish those times. She is a special lady. I am glad you are in our circle! Let us know when YOU need a special hug, as well!

I suspect that my husband is developing some dementia, his mother died of Alzheimer's. I do not have the energy to fight his addiction for him...I have to do the best I can to take care of me and I am trying. I am frustrated and saddened by his issues but I cannot change him. I have talked to doctors about it, I also went to Social Services at one time, they wanted to MAKE him clean the place up by charging him with abuse of a disabled person, that would be ME. I am afraid of that and of what it would do to him. I am going to do what I can for myself and stay out of the basement, keep the main floor clean and keep filters in all of my heat vents. Thank you for your support minihorses and Youngatheart.7.4.12 and Marilyn.H.July.14.14. and DemonaXL . It is appreciated more than you know, I cannot walk away from him after being married for over 43 years...he is ill, I cannot punish him for that. Love to all of you.

I think it's probably time to do a relationship check with your husband. I can't tell you how to do that but you need to know if you can still be happy together and that's going to take talking together.

Now here comes the cyber hug. No you never need be alone. Quitting smoking has its own hardships let alone you suffer from depression and are having marital issues to boot. You have a very full plate and a heavy heart. I can see it and hear it in your words.

Ive been with my husband for nearly 38 years. We have gone through a lot. Many ups and downs as I suspect most marriages have. One thing I learned many years ago ( because he too would come home from work, then hibernate with a few cold ones down in one of the barns before coming up to the house) was.....I just let him...

Then I never showed him it upset me. I just went on with dinner. If he didn’t come up to house, then his dinner was on a p,ate and he could fend for himself. If he did t bother to come up and say hello...I just went ahead and made plans. To do my own thing, back then it was head off to a horse show, go to the gym or go to the movies with my kids or my friends. I showed himI was not going to sit around and wait on him., I went to the gym, went for a walk with the dogs...etc... I went ahead and lived my life. Eventually he came around.

....And it worked. He started spending less time in garage and barns and more time with me. I give him the space he needs when he gets home. Sometimes it’s a lot of space, other times, no space.

Everyones situation is different. I know that. My approach may not work for you, but thought I’d share just in case. Your story just reminded me how I felt years ago...stirred up memories. I too felt alone and sad. I just shared what helped me. Today we enjoy a strong marriage.

Can somewhat related, I choose ME! I clean the house for ME, I get rid of clutter for ME, I allow ME to have a social life! I choose to be smoke free for ME!

Thankfully he let's me be ME, and when his time permits, then WE do we stuff, like hopefully getting out of dodge for the weekend for a tour of a lighted Christmas shopping spree!!! That rarely happens, as he understandably commutes a hour every day, last thing he wants to do is to travel back to the metro area...hey I'm a city girl.

Congrats on 30 days nicotine free and thank you for your courage and honesty with self and me... I was reading your blog and I remember but for the grace of God go I ...who helped me over 30 the people who used to be like us waiting for the love and approval from others who didn't even have it for themselves... I was expecting them to make me FEEL.......... whatever you want fill in the blank.... so these people just like ME addicted to people approval.... please I am talking about ME not anyone else... take what helps and leave the rest... thank you... the suggested to go to Al-anon... to try 6 meetings and I can have my misery back.... effected by someone else's drinking... choices...etc..... so I did and guess what? I am free to not only live nicotine free today but people free too... I gotta love me first cuz how can I give away something I don't have ... just sharing the love so freely give to me and by the way FANTASTIC job STAYING QUIT and not using nicotine over you... much love gentle hug and please blog again! I love you!!!

I begin many days liked that or rather I usually begin trying to be grateful and end the day sad and sorry for the way my life has turned out . Life sure can be bittersweet I have much to be grateful for ! Sometimes I have to wonder what is wrong with me ! Sorry I am not being very uplifting but your blog made me see similar things in myself !

Congrats on your 30 days of freedom Julie ! You are doing it and it will get easier !

Let us both be grateful for this day and the blessings we have ...hang in !

Good for you. the most important thing to concentrate on is your freedom from smoking. Everything is not going to get better just because we quit. Many lifestyle habits and routines will continue the same until we decide to change them. But we can't change the behavior of others. Only indirectly through our own behavior, which does affect others. I applaud you for your 30 days of freedom. This is my 13th day of freedom. I know that I will go through many bipolar days of boredom frustration and everything else that goes along with this condition., which I also have. I feel for you. Keep up the good work. Make it your priority. Things will change. They are bound to. Our actions have more influence on others than we realize.