Advice for Those Struggling With Anger After Divorce

Divorce is such an overwhelming experience that it’s easy to feel like you’ve lost yourself. Do the powerful emotions that accompany the divorce experience have you feeling depleated of energy and hope? Do angry words and terrible memories plague your mind throughout the day? If so, I am writing this article especially for you.

I receive a lot of mail from people feeling overwhelmed and lost because of their divorce circumstances, and it may help you to realize you are not the only one suffering so much. Here are a few sentences from an email sent in by a reader who shares how overwhelmed she feels by her anger.

I am writing because I still feel so angry – at myself for marrying him, and at him for the lies I believed… I am angry that he has so easily moved on and how everyone thinks he was blameless because I left him… Mostly, I am angry that I teach my daughter how much God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and Mary love us, but sometimes I wonder why I suffer so much with worry and sadness. What advice would you offer?

I would begin by saying I understand these feelings completely and they are quite normal. Grieving the loss of your marriage brings with it a roller-coaster of emotions. In regard to dealing with your anger, there are many practical things I can suggest, such as exercising, therapy, and those are excellent and effective things to do. But, by far, the best one I can offer you is to place yourself in the presence of Jesus as often as possible and for as long as possible. The best place for this to happen is at a Eucharistic Adoration chapel, or in front of the tabernacle at church. When you spend time with Jesus this way, you will begin to experience the love and consolation you desperately seek. It doesn’t matter if you pray, write, cry, stare, or rant and rage interiorly, all of it is good and what God wants. Why? Because this is precisely the time God is calling you to Himself. He knows what you are going through like no one else does and He is trying to draw you nearer to Him so He can refresh you with His love and His grace.

This may be a challenging proposition for you because your day-to-day responsibilities might make it difficult. But try to carve out some quiet time to be with Him. If you don’t have access to an Adoration chapel, try taking 30 minutes to read the gospel reading of the day or some other spiritual work and quietly reflect upon it. If at all possible, attending a silent retreat and taking an entire weekend to be with God is also a great idea.

In regard to wondering why a loving God allows so much suffering, I must say this is a big issue about which many scholarly books have been written and it’s difficult to give it justice in an blog article. But, there are some insights of my own I can offer.

Divorce happens because someone made a terrible choice, and did so of their own free will. Free will is a gift from God that He will never take away, despite the fact the choice causes untold suffering for many. But every time a bad decision is made, it creates an opportunity for God to bring about great things, even miracles in the lives of those who are suffering.

Suffering also strengthens us; it has a sort of tempering affect. For instance, my son broke his left femur bone when he was 7 years old and endured incredible pain and suffering. The healing time seemed to take forever. But when he was healed, his bone was actually stronger than it had been before. The same thing takes place with emotional and spiritual suffering. If you allow it to happen, suffering can change you for the better and make you stronger and wiser because of the experience.

I know this suffering is unwanted and it would be better if it didn’t happen, but since these are your circumstances, don’t be afraid to look for the silver lining to the storm cloud. Have faith that God will bring good things out of what has happened. It’s His specialty.

I highly recommend the book, Making Sense Out Of Suffering, by Dr. Peter Kreeft to anyone who is suffering. Please send your questions and comments to asklisa@catholicmatch.com.

Author and speaker Lisa Duffy has 20 years of both personal and professional experience in helping others deal with their divorces. Born and raised in Southern California, Lisa suffered through the pain of being a divorced Catholic in the early 1990s. After seven years of intense struggle, spiritual growth, personal triumphs, and finally remarriage in the church and the birth of three miracle children, her one desire was to help others who were suffering find hope and healing. Lisa has worked for the church in a variety of roles, most recently bringing her divorce support program, Journey of Hope, to parishes in the US and Canada. Lisa is a frequent guest on Catholic radio shows such as Relevant Radio's "On Call With Wendy Wiese", "Catholic Answers Live," and has appeared several times on EWTN's "Women of Grace" with Johnnette Benkovic. Lisa lives in South Carolina with her family.

3 Comments

Pray for your x-spouse. We can look at the what if’s, but you need to realize that you did the best you can. We can only change ourselves and no one else. The Lord feels your pain and he will help you. I was once in the adoration room and The Lord told my heart I feel your pain. I felt at peace. God Bless

Great article! This is such a blessing for Catholics to have Eucharistic Adoration. To be there with Jesus, to be in His Holy Presence. It was what helped me get through a painful time, coping with infidelity and deceit on the part of my ex-spouse. I cried to Jesus right there in front of Him in the Blessed Sacrament. I didn’t pray – I just let the raw emotions coarse through my veins. All I could squeak out is WHY? He knows our thoughts and feelings better than we know ourselves. The amazing thing is that after several minutes of that raw tension, a wave of peace washed over me. When it hit me, I was completely unaware of it coming. I could feel Him speaking directly into my heart, re-assuring me of His infinite love and compassion for me in my difficult time. It felt the same trickle of tingles a few weeks later when I prayed the Rosary. I could feel the reassuring hug of our Heavenly Mother. And as another person commented, pray for your ex-spouse. This helps with forgiveness. As the Father forgives, so should we. We can’t do this on our own strength, we must ask for God’s grace to help us to do this. I believe that where the true Peace of Christ is found. I pray for God’s blessings for my Brothers and Sisters who are struggling with this.