GUEST

Shaunti Feldhahn: The Mysteries of the Male Mind

CBN.com
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Shaunti Feldhahn's latest book, For Women Only, is a result of Shaunti doing research for one of the main characters in her second novel, who happened to be a male. She wanted this character's thought life to closely resemble what real men deal with, so she interviewed her husband, Jeff, and other male friends to try and "get inside their heads." Her character was a devoted Christian, but he liked looking at women and had a constant battle with his thought life. What surprised Shaunti was that she thought she was creating an unusual character but found that her character was like almost every man on the planet, including the devoted Christian husbands she was interviewing. These interviews led to hundreds of other personal and written interviews with other men, including a professional survey. She compiled the results of these interviews and surveys and it became For Women Only.

THE SEVEN REVELATIONS

Many women understand these factors on a surface level, but do not know what they mean in practice. The seven relevations are:

Surface Understanding

What That Means in Practice

"Men need respect"

Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected

"Men are insecure"

Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like imposters and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered

"Men are providers"

Even if you personally made enough income to support the family's lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide

"Men want more sex"

Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being
and confidence in all areas of his life

"Men are visual"

Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected
images of other women

"Men are unromantic clods"

Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic–but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed

"Men care about appearance"

You don't need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself – and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you

Of the revelations she found, Shaunti says that the three key areas that need understanding are related to: 1) men needing respect, 2) men wanting more sex, and 3) men most wanting their women to know how much they love them. The first important key Shaunti says is respect. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Shaunti says the one misconception society has taught women is that respect has to be earned. According to Shaunti, that is unbiblical and the passage in Ephesians 5 really says men should unconditionally love their wives and wives should unconditionally respect their husbands. Respect empowers men to be all that God made them to be – it is the most fundamental. Women need examples of how to respect their huspands. For example, if a man is driving in circles and doesn't ask for directions, it sends a devestating message if a woman will question his ability. Men seriously see this as women don't trust them. Shaunti says that a sign for women to look for that will show if they are repecting their man or not is to see if he responds in an angry way. If a husband walks away from his wife in anger, it may show that he feels disrespected.

The second most important thing a woman should know is that her sexual desire for her husband profoundly affects her husband's sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life. Shaunti says women see sex as simply a physical need for men. For men, it has nothing to do with the physical. Sex is the only way a man feels desired by his wife. It is key type of affirmation, and it fills a powerful emotional need. Sex makes a man feel loved. He can't truly feel loved without it; fulfilling sex gives him confidence. Shaunti also says sex needs to be a priority and women and men should align their priorities. It is just as devastating to a husband if he were to be denied sexually as it would be to a wife if her husband would stop talking to her.

Shaunti also discovered that the most important thing men want their wives to know is how much they love them. One survey question that she asked the men was, "What is the one thing that you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can't explain to her or tell her?" The top response to this question was, "How much I love her." This was a surprising response since the men could have used this opportunity to vent, or share what they wished their mate would work on. Shaunti shares that one man captured perfectly the way many men feel about the women in their lives, even if there are things in the relationship that need work. He shared that he wished his wife knew how important some things are to him that he wouldn't mention - because his wife was more important to him than all those other things.