Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Browns

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Cleveland Browns.

Let's be honest, Cleveland is really a rusting, Midwest version of Oakland. Sure Cleveland has its lakes of fire, while Oakland has its freeways of fire, but the comparison is apt. Cleveland and Oakland sports teams are miserable chokers, known more for their psychotic fans bases draped in costumes and masks, and less for, you know, actually winning. The Browns and Raiders did win once, but that was a long, long time ago. Like before Jim Brown started making movies.

Coincidentally, the Browns have pinned their hopes on quarterback Brady Quinn. The same guy who was passed over by the Raiders. And the Dolphins. And the Jaguars. Yeah, pretty much everybody. But let’s not be so quick to dismiss Brady just yet. He spent two years with Charlie Weis at Notre Dame, so he knows what its like to consistently lose to his chief rival, meaning he’ll fit in perfectly with the Browns. And hey, the guy knows better than to jump in front of his coach at the buffet line.

Don’t despair Browns fans, the team has done a good job of surrounding Brady with some quality talent. They have Kellen Winslow, coming off a knee injury. LeCharles Bently, coming off a knee injury. Braylon Edwards one year removed from knee injury. If the Browns are really intent on bringing in some banged up, and used players, why not set the bar really high and go after Jamal Lewis.

What, they did?

That was just supposed to be a joke. How can a team release Reuben Droughns at running back and not have any alternative as an upgrade? Good luck running behind that line, Jamal. Prized rookie Joe Thomas spent his draft day out fishing on the lack. Yeah, with that type of commitment to football, it’s not hard to imagine Thomas racking up all the same success that Robert Gallery has had in Oakland.

The news isn’t all bad for Cleveland, though. Drew Carey is going to host the Price is Right. At least one of your native sons isn't a loser.

Who is the ball-busting, life-stealer on the right? She's cute, but she looks like the kind of girl who would re-he-re-he-re-he-re-he reach her hand down your throat and show you your still-beating heart before taking the change out of the aorta.

Because Priest Holmes is too old to return? Because their WRs are about as talented as a CFL squad? Because the offensive line consists of guys who were backups to good offensive linemen who have since moved on?

The Autumn Wind is a Hater!

The Hater Nation is back where it belongs. Turns out, we were too lazy to sellout. So unless somebody wants to give us $100K per year to tell McKenzie Phillips' jokes, we are probably going to be found here for a while.

Last and Ten Obvious Admissions We Would Like to See

10.Peter King admits it ... he really wants to sex up Brett Favre. And he wants to give Tom Brady a coffee enema.

9. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones admits that his face is as real as Joan Rivers' face.