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I have just returned from Michael's house. There, extended family members from all parts are tearing the house inside out looking for some form of journal or note that he may have left. He had an old journal that he had stopped writing in as of late 2006, but had begun a new one recently. I know this is true because he briefly showed it to me- just that he had it and was now once again writing in it. Thus far, no one has been able to locate it. I'm going to sift through the as yet unopened sections of my SF suitcase (which I took into his house last week) and scan through my car as well. There is a remote possibility he may have placed it among my things. I don't know whether I hope so or hope not at the moment.

They were also looking for his birth certificate. I mentioned that they should check his zipper-lock pill case, as he sometimes placed things inside that. As it turns out, a call to the coroner's revealed that he had in fact placed his birth certificate in the pill case. My assumption is that this was another planned action, as I'm sure he knew that this case would be siezed by the proper people once they arrived to claim his body from his home. I was right about my guess as to the whereabouts of the birth certificate. I may yet prove right about the missing journal. I hope it turns up, yet I am somewhat afraid of actually finding it among my things.

It was a very surreal experience at his place today. It couldn't have been a more perfectly beautiful day. Speckless sky, just that right caress of breeze and the sunlight taking that golden tint that it only reaches at the first glimpse of autumn. It would have been a great day to have shared with him, and had this not happened I most likely would have been sharing it with him just at that time. Instead, it was that endless talking that people do in such situations- pouring over lasts conversations and connections again and again, trying to piece together some sense of it all. And sifting through the mental and emotional silt for those last bits of gold to share. I found reason to cry in the oddest of things- video tapes placed on top of the TV for films we were planning to watch soon, little doodles scratched on random pieces of paper...even the wrappers off the last eaten popsicles still placed very visibly near the top of the trash. It was just the signs of shared life experience so recent. It was the little glimmers of light drawing attention to the shadow of absence.

I realize that I am rambling and that is probably making this a rather flowery read. You'll have to indulge me or click along. I needed to type all of this.

In talking with the family, it came to light that Michael had been giving away or trying to give away several things of his recently. I have several new shirts, for example- a couple of which I took with me to San Francisco. Given his last circumstances, it was easy not to see some of this for what it most likely was- and none of us knew that other things were being offered to other people, so none of us had the grand picture. I had also mentioned that he seemed happier in recent weeks, attributing that to an increase in his antidepressent dosage. That is now also subject to scrutiny, as it is not confirmed that such an increase was given. It may simply have been that elation phase that some people go through pre-suicide once their minds are at peace with the decision. I also now realize that when I took him to the doctor last week, we took the long way around toward the medical center. In route, he took care to point out to me the funeral home where his mother had had her service almost two years ago. He did say then that when the time came for him to go, he wanted it to be at the same place. I know it might read as obvious to some of you now, but at the time it did not particularly stand out. He so often spoke about his mother, and he framed it around the concerns over his tests. I filed it away as such at the time, though now it seems he may have been taking extra care to make sure I knew precisely where it was.

One last piece of cheerful news: the coroner announced that they will not be performing a complete autopsy, as it was confirmed he had been dead longer than previously thought, most likely sometime Friday afternoon. The official cause of death is asphyxiation. His neck did not break- he suffocated to death. He did not go quickly or easily according to the coroner's office.

I could probably go on and on still further typing away at this, but I'm closing this post for now. I'm going to go outside on the front steps and look at the sunset and have a cigarette and cry a little more. Regardless of any belief in an afterlife or not, it is certain he is at some level of peace now one way or another. I'm still waiting for a bit of that peace to reach me.

I am so sorry this happened honey. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry it had to happen the way it did. We each have to play the hand we are dealt; Michael was playing his, the only way he knew how. I'm sorry he was not able to reach out for help.

You're in my thoughts and prayers

Love,Alan

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"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Tim, you have a gift. Do not for a second stop using it by not reaching out to those in need. Some, will not make it, and some do.. The problem is, you never know the ones that do cuz they are still here alive and living because of you.....

The outpouring of support I have received today has been truly humbling. I've been on the phone with a few of you throughout the day, although I typically haven't been able to speak for very long. My PM box has been overflowing with personalized messages of support- in addition to all of the thoughtful posts made here.

I'm sorry Timmy. It is not ever easy when someone commits suicide in such a fashion.We are all coming up on a one year anniversary of my grandaughter's mom Christy, having shot herself in the head, in front of both of her sisters.You reached out to him, and tried to help, but he may have been far down this road way before you came into his life.She just had a moment today.There is likely nothing you can do to assuage your heart right now, but I am here, and I always will be.Thinking of you tonight, and sending you soft kisses and hugs. We will be your soft place to fall.

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No Fear No Shame No StigmaHappiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

i can say that i understand how you are feelilng...the disbelief, the drugs to help you sleep, picking up the pieces, somehow fuctioning as the day and life around you continues. i lost my husband to suicide only four months ago. i saw him the day he died. we argued, we yelled, we hated each other. there is so much i wish i could change and so much i can't undo...but i still know that this wasn't my fault. nor is michael's death your fault. as hard as that bit is to process...it is true. and believe me, i fight myself on that one every single day.

please, i am no expert on suicide, but please - if i can help in any way, let me know. i will pm you as well.

i am so, so very sorry. there are no words i will say that will bring you comfort, but know you're in my thoughts tonight...

I needed to repeat this once again: I've been overwhelmed with support from so many of you- but in the best way one can imagine. I've been responding as I can, but I just wanted to publicly state my appreciation for this as I have been reading through it here and in the PM's.

It should be no surprise that you are loved here. We are all here to support you and help get you through this tough time. I am glad that there are people here that you can call if need be even if you don't have much to say. I don't have the words personally but has nothing but love and a big hug for you.

My heart sank as I read your post, Tim. So sorry for your current grief and confusion. So sorry for Michael's grief and confusion, as well. When I read the last entry of your post, I considered how another frightened person allowed money worries to overwhelm him. I know there were other issues, though. I know you have done a lot of work in helping this guy keep his head above water and in the end he could not. I am sorry for this. Clearly, this is not on your shoulders, Tim. When I met you in San Francisco I understood the level of sensitivity and kindness in your being. You did what you could.I will think of Michael today and send him some comforting thoughts.I will think of you today, too. xxx,Mike

Loss is very much a part of our lives with this horriffic bug, and I wish I could say it gets easier with time, but still at 186 funerals and counting, I always struggle to pass through yet one more loss of a friend.

I trust you will soon find peace in knowing that your friend is truly now without pain, and struggles, and will be with you even now.

Love,Tim.

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The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

I'm glad you were able to sit down and talk to us after your first visit to Michael's place. Those were eloquent words you wrote, friend. Your humanity shines through all of what you've shared with us.

Sometime back I had a similar experience in which it became apparent that a friend had been planning her end for sometime and been taking actions which no one could piece together until she did it. It took me a long time before I could look at her photo afterwards. There's a particular street in Manhattan which I associate with her. It always makes me think of walking there with her when I walk down it. Truthfully I still sometimes feel pangs and sadness that I didn't realize how deep her depression was and where she was heading. O, lost, o, lost.

Dear Tim I am so sorry for your loss. I only know you by reading your posts on the forum but my heart does go out to you as well as my tears as I try to type this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so sorry for your loss. The grieving process for suicide is so different from that of other deaths. The nature of the event leaves you stuck at a moment in time. Part of you wants to go back and relive the day’s prior hoping there was a clue or something you missed that would lend sense to the senseless. Part of you realizes that life marches on and so to will you. But there will forever be a part of your being attached to the moment.

I lost my wife to suicide a year ago. For days, weeks and months I struggled with the question of why? It’s taken the better part of a year but I’ve finally made peace with my knowledge that there will never be an adequate answer to any of my questions. And too, it’s taken as long to fully accept that I (and you too Tim) am not in any way responsible for that final decision. What finally allowed me to begin the healing was fully realizing, and completely accepting, that I would have done anything to stop that moment in time.

What I was struck by in reading your posts, was that your friend, just like my wife, was leaving clues prior to their death. And that it was only after their death that we were able to see all the clues. Had they gone to any one person with all their clues, what was in the planning would have been obvious. Instead their signals/clues/signs of desperation were doled out in a manner that leaves us with guilt and questions. Why didn’t I see? How could I have missed? If you had known what you really meant to us, would you have done this?

You’ll heal Tim. Be patient with yourself, treat yourself gently, and try not to let the questions and guilt get the better of you. After Terry killed herself, and still to this day, I talk to her a lot. Sharing my emotions, questions, and love feels better then bottling them up. One of the best books I found on suicide is: “No Time To Say Goodbye” by Carla Fine. She too is a survivor and put words to many of my thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t as crazy as I thought I’d become. And as she promised, time does heal. Love replaces bitterness, acceptance replaces questions, and quiet resignation replaces emotional turmoil. It just takes time.

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Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

This is a trying time you find yourself in. Having been through the suicide of a friend this past May, my experience is fresh on my mind when I read this thread. It had a tremendous effect on me and really shook my faith to the core. It started a downward spiral that I care not to repeat. My advice to you is to take care of yourself. Talk to those who you are close with and try not to struggle very hard to find answers to the many questions you have, because unfortunately most do not have answers.

Peace,Woods

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"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it." Nelson Mandela

Tim, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and am thinking of you during this difficult time. I will restate what the others have said"This was not your fault". You are a wonderful caring person but you could not have prevented this tragedy. hope it eases with time. Much love . Cristy

That is a tragedy.I lost my very close friend Magda last year . She hanged herself. It is a cruel cruel fact you will have to live with.

But know that it is his choice. And his only. It is the final act of persuing what you believe in or don't believe in anymore. And as a close friend you can only watch in horror and try to understand....which you never will, Tim.

Try to remember the good times and the fact you have been there with your kind kind spirit.I know you better now : your friend Michael will rest in peace now.

Talk about it, it helps. And know that I feel your pain.

Whenever you need to talk about it... please, pm me.

Love you and hug you

Hermie

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Diagnosed in 1987 and still kickingViread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

We are so sorry for your loss. We are here if you need us. we will PM you our phone number in case you want to talk or you can PM us yours and we will call you. We enjoyed the time we shared together in SF and count those moments as precious and very dear.

I've lost six friends in the past 4 years, and recently lost my mother so death by any means be it suicide, from sickness, or natural causes is difficult to process. My heart hurts just thinking of what you may be feeling so I won't say too much here.

I have to do a blanket "thank you" to everyone here for the love and support. I've been away from the forums for a few days and have returned to a great backlog of messages. I'm very behind in all that, but very tired and disoriented still right now so that will all have to wait a bit longer. Some of you have written to me about his memorial service and how I've handled that. I haven't yet. It hasn't been held yet. I've been helping his small assembly of family and friends take care of "the business at hand" portion of it.

His memorial service is tomorrow at 11am. It will likely be very short and very small. The preacher or whatever performing the eulogy will be someone serving a professional capacity- with no real ties to Michael. His ashes will go with his sister until they can figure out when and where to put them elsewhere...most likely just sprinkled over his mother's grave in Acworth sometime in the future. So in the end, he's not getting the memorial service or burial as he would have wanted.

But then not many of us have been getting what we want these days.

I'm getting ready to bring this thread to an official close. It's served its purpose and there is nothing more to say on the matter. I created an enormous post in Mental Health to try to help myself expel all these emotional toxins. In both threads, I've exhausted my supply of, well...everything. Words, tears...the whole damn show.

It's about time for me to direct my energies toward renewal of my own life force. It has to be.

Tim,I am so very sorry you have to deal with such a shocking tragedy. Sadly death is a part of life.

My roomates Mom just got murdered last week. There are damn few words one can say during times like this. I will keep you in my thoughts. I just hope you will stay strong and get through this. Judging from the response of this thread, I'm sure you will.

I am just now reading your post. I am so sorry. I had a boyfriend that committed suicide about 10 years ago. I was leaving him. He even left a note that said that was why he did it. Then he sat in our living room, put a 30/30 in his mouth, and pulled the trigger. Needless to say, the guilt I felt was horrendous. But ultimately, it was a choice that he made. And I was angry for a long time because I knew I had made it through much tragedy in my life. If you need some one-on-one support, my email address is adkinshugh@yahoo.com.Angie in WV