There's still a lot going on, but being past the hardest bits of my grad school applications, and the Vanic Intensive presentation out in Maryland for the Nine Worlds Festival has cut down my stress tremendously, and with it a lot of my more intense anxiety symptoms.

I still have one hell of a to-do list, even where school is concerned, some of which I find almost as scary as the self-promotional essays, but from where I sit at the moment, my to-do list isn't overwhelming, just irritating.

In place of the overwhelming anxiety and depression, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude and love for the people who have been so appreciative and supportive of me recently (well overall of course, but the overwhelm is for recent things).

In particular, I find myself overwhelmed to the point of tears that the professors at SCU who agreed to give me recommendation letters are being not only accepting and cooperative about having to deal with my confusion over special PDF forms that I didn't know I needed. They're being actively positive and almost enthusiastic about it. They really want me to succeed and return to SCU for real. They actually miss me.

I can't quite handle that thought, it's so contradictory to my expectations of school - even SCU.

Okay, I can't handle this. I'm freaking way too far out. I have the help I need when I can surface enough to breathe and ASK for it, and that's great, but I simply can not handle the prospect of going back to school in late August. I can barely handle the prospect of late September.

January, though, that feels do-able. The deadline for that is October. I'll not only be sure they have all my letters and transcripts, but that gives the GRE folks plenty of time to send my scores, and I can sort out my taxes and funding options as well, which are still overwhelming me right now.

I'm ashamed that this is still so fucking hard. I hate this about myself. And I'm afraid that everyone will be so disappointed in me putting it off another quarter. But I just need the breathing room.

Besides, my summer job doesn't end until October, and I have that trip out East to deal with as well, so maybe it's just.... better all around.

Okay, I knew I'd hit a certain degree of radio silence, but it has been brought to my attention recently that said silence is being interpreted rather differently than I expected.

It seems that all the love and time and effort and growth I'm putting into and getting out of my time at the Rabbit Warren is looking somewhat more like I've gotten buried under a burdensome pile of bunnies.