To our Porn-Again Patriots

VON brings in each issue, the best written commentary on any subject. The following write-up, published in The Economic Times, has been picked by our team of editors and reproduced for our readers as the best in the fortnight.

Dear Competent Authority,

It’s good that you are taking action against porn sites. This is undoubtedly the biggest problem facing the nation. Only someone selected through a rigorous process such as the IAS entrance exam could have had the brains, the courage and the vision to see this.

Thanks to the efforts of you and your colleagues over the last 70 years, the nation has made giant strides in the fields of health, education and plumbing. You take such good care of us. Nothing escapes your eagle eye. Your diligence and hard work are an example to us all.

When it comes to moral behaviour, you and the officers reporting to you have always set the standard. Members of the public who are lucky enough to deal with the government see this every day .

But you know that setting an example isn’t enough. This is why you’ve tirelessly defended the rules that Britain’s Queen Victoria laid down for us in 1861. Since she was a white person, she knew better. It is entirely to your credit that you and your colleagues have ensured that in over 150 years, not even a comma or a full stop in that document has been changed.

The only exception was in 1950, when references to the viceroy were removed. By rigorously implementing these rules, you have ensured that our morals do not decay. You have specified very precisely what we can do in the bedroom, and whom we can do it with.

However, over time, you have realised that simply policing our bedrooms may not be enough. The internet is misguiding the public. Hence, you are now regulating our fantasies. This is a big step. Only China is slightly ahead of us and, hopefully , we will soon catch up.

In this way, you have struck a giant blow against obscenity. This is right and proper. No one likes obscenity. Obscenity corrupts the soul. Knowing how responsive you are to the needs of the public, we’re providing a list of some other obscene things, which we feel should also be banned.

Government officers gorging on kababs and biryani while ‘monitoring flood relief’ .

Journalists being burned alive and everyone going scot-free.

Government positions being sold for cash.

Government officers investigating each other, and

giving each other clean chits.

IFS officers getting foreign passports for their children.

Police abusing the public in the filthiest of language,

unless they own a car.

Education department officers in swank offices, while government school children go without toilets.

Soldiers lacking ammunition, body armour and coffins, because the files at the defense ministry are getting slightly delayed.

Government officers who flout all service rules and never actually retire, instead going on to become authorities.

Investigation of expense vouchers of the select few, while catering bills for lavish public weddings are ignored.

Lecturing us on ‘swachhata’, while providing the majority of citizens with neither plumbing nor water. Your

bungalows and your armies of servants, who are also government employees, paid for by the public to serve you.

The rule that no government officer can be prosecuted in a court of law without permission from the government, which due to pressure of work, you are frequently unable to give.

All of these things seem to be extremely obscene. If we are fighting obscenity , these things need to be banned. Please do take time out from your busy schedule to consider our proposal. Apart from releasing the proposal in mass media, which you are monitoring, we are also printing it out, putting it in a file held together by string, and sending it to you by registered post. This will ensure that it can move through the proper channels.We hope you will take this suggestion in the right spirit, and not send the enforcement directorate to our houses. We are only trying to help. The truth is, the current arrangement has a fatal flaw. Even without access to porn sites, all we have to do to get our daily dose of obscenity is watch the evening news.Confident in your intelligence, commitment and patriotism, we look forward to your very prompt action on the above points at the earliest.

Views on News, unique magazine that monitors and takes a critical look at the challenging, competitive world of Indian and global media every fortnight; and Akbari, a weekly newspaper in Hindi and Urdu.