Declan Q. + Daniel R.H. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

Second Year American exchange student, James Harrington, was found dead, face down in a snack pack outside Fat Boys kebabs after a session at the Grand Hotel. He had previously found himself attempting to compete with the Australian students strict weekly schedule of Pepes, Amigos, Grand, Illa, and Harp. He was last seen in a frantic state, commenting to Smoking Duck reporters on the situation.

“It’s these damn Australian’s. Every night they’re banging on my dorm room door. The savages won’t leave me alone.” He began to sob. “I got a scholarship to come to one of Australia’s best University’s. I just want to study.”

Seen as a campus right of passage, James had attempted the perfect week in previous weeks before, but had failed to complete it.

It is believed a mixture of fatigue and coronary failure is the cause of James’s death, resulting from the late night eating habits associated with Wollongong’s nightlife. It is believed the flashing of the Kebab store’s neon sign stood irresistible to the former Michigan State University running back, who has fallen victim to Australia’s cultural delicacy of meat, chips, cheese, chilli and garlic sauce.

Week after week, hangover after hangover, James’ self-loathing had transformed into a new determination to complete the perfect week. Also motivated by harsh (but maybe necessary) words of his peers. Dorm mate, Mark Thomas, had this to say about the event.

“Yeah. Rather disappointing about James. Heard he didn’t even make it past night three. Going to absolute shred him to pieces next time I see him (laughs)…wait, he died!?”