Are We Talking the Same Language? How Communication Styles Can Affect Relationships

Figuring Out if You and Your Partner Are Speaking the Same Language

It's pretty easy to identify the most readily recognizable sources of stress in our lives--too many commitments, workplace hassles, financial strain, society's (and our own) oftentimes unrealistic expectations of who we "should" be and how much we "should" be able to accomplish. But not as many people realize that "communication stress" can be one of the biggest sources of stress in relationships. After all, we're all talking the same language, aren't we?

Well ... not necessarily. In a series of books on communication styles, linguistics expert Deborah Tannen describes how many of us, while seeming to speak the same language, really aren't. As Tannen notes, we all have unique communication styles, influenced by many factors such as age, culture, and geography (to name only a few). However, there are different patterns of communication, and when those patterns clash, it can wreak havoc on our relationships.

What exactly is a communication style? A communication style (also known as conversational style) is the way in which we share information with others through language. Although we all like to think we're saying exactly what we mean, that's not always the case, especially when we're talking to someone who uses a communication style very different from our own.

Much of Tannen's work on conversational styles focuses on "typical" styles of men and women and how these gender differences can lead to conflict, misunderstandings, and stress. However, in my work with high-achieving women, I've found that many women use a style that Tannen identifies as being more typical of males. So as you read on (and maybe even explore more about communication styles on your own), my advice is to not spend too much time focusing on how women tend to communicate and how men tend to communicate, but rather take the time to figure out how you tend to communicate, then use that information to understand how your style may be affecting your relationship (and your stress level).

It's also important to recognize that communication styles exist along a continuum. For example, if you consider how direct people are in their communications, you will find some who are so direct that they are viewed as insensitive and harsh whereas others are so indirect that it's impossible to figure out what they're trying to say. Then, of course, there are those at all points in between. Few people will be at the extemes of each "style" continuum, although for illustrative purposes, it may seem that way.

* Competitive versus Affiliative: If you gravitate toward more of an affiliative style of communicating, you're likely to want to bring people together and work out problems together. For example, when a decision needs to be made, you're likely to bring your partner into the decision-making process and ask his/her opinion before you decide. In fact, you may not stop with just your partner. You may bring family and friends into the discussion to get their input as well. In general, affiliative communicators prefer a more collaborative style of communication and tend to see direct challenges and open disagreements as aggressive, hostile, and often personal. On the opposite end of this spectrum are those who are more oriented toward power, competition, and dominance, and their communication style tends to be directed toward these goals. Their conversations tend to be more direct, assertive, and challenging, and when it comes to decision-making, they prefer to make decisions on their own without much or any input from others.

To figure out which way you tend to lean when communicating, ask yourself these questions:

Do you speak up readily when you hear something you disagree with, or do you prefer to listen to all sides and either remain quiet or speak up only if the conversation is going in a direction that you can't live with?

Do you prefer to give directions and make decisions without a lot of input from others? Or do you prefer a more collaborative approach?

Are you comfortable sharing power? Or do you prefer relationships where there is a hierarchical power structure in place?

The way you answer should tell you something about your style. While there is nothing wrong with either, the differences should help you see why there may be tension in relationships where one person communicates in one way and the other person's style lies near the opposite end of the continuum.

* Direct versus Indirect: When you need something done, there are two basic ways you can communicate that need: directly or indirectly. Some people are very direct. When they want, need, or feel something, they come right out and say it. For example, "I want to move closer to the kids' school." That's pretty direct; therefore, there is little room for misunderstanding what the speaker is saying. There are others, however, who prefer to test the waters before jumping in head first. They don't immediately (or in some extreme cases, ever) say exactly what they want, need, or feel. Examples of indirect communication are: "The school is pretty far from the house," or something a little less indirect like, "I wish we lived a little closer to the school."

The former statement is nothing more than a statement; it doesn't convey a need or a want. Your partner might get the sense that you'd like to move closer, but could just as easily miss the underlying message altogether. The latter statement isn't as vague, but it's not a direct statement either. Depending on the situation, we all use both direct and indirect forms of communication, but most people lean toward one style or another.

When people use direct communication, there is less risk for misunderstanding, yet more risk for offending or surprising the "receiver" by the directness of the message. With indirect communication, there is more risk for misunderstanding, but less risk of offending the "receiver." In either case, though, when the two different styles come together in conversation, there is a greater likelihood for tension and stress in the relationship.

Handling Differences: As I said earlier, there are many more styles than the ones described here, and because they all exist along a continuum, the more polar they are among partners, the more stress they're likely to cause in a relationship. But differences don't need to mean that people who use different communication styles are forever doomed to conflict. In fact, it's often our differences that make us interesting, even attracted to another person. The keys to making differences work are understanding and flexibility.

* Understanding: Whenever we're aware of something, we're more likely to pay attention to it in our lives and in our relationships. So if this article makes you stop and think about how your style may come across to others, then you're ahead of the game. The more you know, the better.

* Flexibility: The next step is becoming more flexible in how you approach communication. Once you figure out what your typical style of communicating is, you can use that knowledge to try and figure out how your approach may be affecting your relationship and your stress level. If you think different styles may be causing some tension in your relationship, you may want to consider taking a slightly different approach when communicating with your partner. The change doesn't have to be dramatic. In fact, it shouldn't be because a dramatic change will probably come across as superficial and will feel uncomfortable for you. But because communication styles exist along a continuum, there is always room for a little movement up or down the continuum in an attempt to try and ease a little tension. You also may want to share what you've learned about communication differences with your partner. Movement doesn't only have to be in one direction.

However, as is always the case with change, you should be aware that there may be consequences (good or bad) for becomming more or less assertive, more or less affiliative, more or less direct, etc. So if you decide to experiment, think of it as a calculated risk and make sure you take small steps. As the Chinese proverb goes: "It's better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward."

We all have our own communication styles. Creating effective communication requires us to not only understand our own style of communication, but to understand the individual we are speaking to. Using interpersonal skills to look and listen to the individual allows us to understand the individual we are engaged in the interpersonal experience. Understanding an individual's mood, style, and emotional state is critical to extract the information to fully receive the message and to deliver ours effectively. Communication styles change every time we engage a person based on variables in our lives. Acknowledging the individuals current state is required to effectively communicate. It requires patience and awareness, but taking the time to understand an individual is valuable.

I agree with the differentiation in communicaton style. Most notably the difference between the genders. In my view mostly (you can't generalize it of course) women express theirselves differently than men do. As a result the communication often suffers between them.
I tend often to be the very indirect typ (like many women I gues). For my guy it's total torture. He never gets when to read between the lines. He on the other side often tends to be sparing with words. It's not easy to change it's habit of communication. I addressed those concerns to a life coach (can recommend Your24hCoach.com) and they gabe me similar tips insights like this article. You just have to pay attention how you express yourself in front of the other person to make them understand your point.
I try to communicate my concerns more directly to him now and he just has to force himself to express more often what his worrying about. Some adaptation and concession and it will work out!

Inherently, I am a truly polarized woman; in that, I am all of the communication constructs that are described. Which one depends upon the communicators approach, to whom I am speaking, and what rhetoric is coming from the communicator. I am an aggressive/high octane woman and I don't apologize for my core essence. That isn't to insinuate that I am a breed-ed bitch certain communication or lack of it can resonant that "B!" I would attribute most of my persona to my Father that is a career military man, which instilled many critical values that empowered both my intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. What I have learned that is most crucial is the ability to listen; attentively, and then speak from a logical premise...reasoning is powerful which is a prerequisite for effective communication. Furthermore, I am also learning the significance of constructive argumentation; as well, the power of effective non-verbal communication The value of its language is a paradigm that is perpetual in enhancing my intimations and professional inclinations.

This was a great article which was both very informative as well as helpful in looking inward at one’s personal communication style and which end of a continuum one might be, or perhaps if they are somewhere in-between. Self evaluation can always be useful in understanding how we communicate with others, and how we can work to improve our methods of communication to be more effective.
As mentioned in this article, men and women typically do have different styles of communication. In the past these differences have been discussed, compared and contrasted, analyzed, theorized, etc., which will continue to be done in the future as well. One interesting theory on the differences of gender and their voices of ethics was presented by a developmental psychologist Carol Gilligan and discussed in her book In a Different Voice. According to Gilligan, the male moral voice was characterized by the traditional ethic of justice and “is rooted in the primacy of individual autonomy and independence” (Johannesen, Valde, & Whedbe, 2008, p. 205). In contrast is the female moral voice of ethic of care, which Gilligan states “is rooted in the primacy of actual relationships and the interdependence of self and others” (Johannesen, Valde, & Whedbe, 2008, p. 205).
Therefore, even when it comes to ethical communications by both male and female, Gilligan contends that the differences in styles are, for the most part, evident. Men use “abstract, universalizable, impartial principles and rules concerning rights and justice”, while women utilize compassion, empathy, and nurturance, considering the needs of self and others and relational effects rather than autonomy and independence (Johannesen, Valde, & Whedbe, 2008, p. 205).
At any rate and in any context, it is always interesting to compare and contrast the communication styles of men and women!
S. Campbell
Drury University
Reference:
Johannesen, R.L., Valde, K.S., & Whedbee, K.E. (2008). Ethics in human communication (6th ed.). Long
Grove, IL: Waveland Press, Inc.

Many descriptions of communication styles claim that an indirect approach is used by people who are naturally more compassionate, but in practice that theory seems to fall apart. Indirect communicators may believe they are operating from a place of concern and sensitivity, but that does not mean that they necessarily are. Indirect communicators are more likely to "play games" in relationships. It's much easier to manipulate someone when you never say outright what you want, assuming the other person is willing and able to play along in the guessing game. Indirect communicators often feel frustrated that they have been misunderstood, which leads to conflict and resentment. Additionally, because they assume all communication needs to be "read into," nothing is taken at face value. The most plain language statements get turned over and over, looking for implied meanings, and creating conflict where there was none. The very act of being direct is often seen as offensive.

Unfortunately, styles of indirect communication are enormously varied, with no two indirect communicators speaking the exact same language. Direct communication is much simpler, and requires not specialized knowledge of the other person in order to be understood. It is only offensive when 1) it is intended to be offensive, or 2) when an indirect communicator chooses to take offense because they would like to control the direct communicator.

It is my belief that we would all get along much better and have fewer misunderstandings if we each adopted a more direct style.

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