Thursday, February 3, 2011

Vulnerable

The following post was first written in my personal journal yesterday, February 2, 2011. I willgently edit it to post here.

I have a feeling that it would be a good idea to read this post in its entirety or not at all, astopic order is a bit inconsistent, because I did not edit it in regards to organization and thusfollows the mental flow of a real journal entry. I edited very little.

Here's to being vulnerable. Cheers.

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February 2, 2011

Well, it took eight days of being in the Spring semester, but I finally feel good about school.Really. I feel so good. I felt really good on the last night of Interterm - Jan 20 - and that lastedthe weekend to the first day of Spring classes - Jan 26. Both of these times - that weekend andright now - it's been a really deep, sincere kind of good. A good that I hadn't felt in a long, longtime. I estimate at least a year. And it had to have been fairly over a year, now that I thinkabout it in terms of landmark events. A few weeks ago, I realized it was soon going to be a yearsince I "met" Nathan. That felt weird. I told Ryan and he didn't get it. But it's a landmark. Andit feels weird to see those landmarks moving further and further away. Like I can think aboutother landmarks and they feel so strange... A best friend friendship really fell apart back inAutumn '04. '04! That's six and half years and that length of time feels a bit ridiculous. Evensaying I met Jeremy and Ken September '07 sounds like an age ago. I was sixteen. Sheesh.And I think I'm a baby now. Anyway. The point of this is that I hadn't been deeply andsincerely happy (satisfied?) for quite some time. Sure, I was happy, but not like this. Not thisgood. And sure, I can never know for sure because happiness is subjective, especially when itgets skewed by memory and time, but I know that, right now, I feel really good.

You know what I miss? Having someone read my journal. Rather, writing a journal specificallyfor someone to read and evaluate my reflections. (I suppose that's why I decided to post mostof this journal entry.) In the post before my last, I was alluding to the fact that the fundamentalthing in a relationship is to have a compatible dating/relationship philosophy and how that waswhat I currently had. But things (change, progress; but neither of those are the right words)happen in leaps. I posted about compatible philosophies a few days before Ryan and I began tobreak up.

...began to break up. I find a lot of truth in that sentiment. In my experience, however limitedit may be, that's how it happens. With Nathan, we began to break up because he ignored me.With Ryan, we began to break up when we both acknowledged the distance was harder thanwe anticipated and that it would only get worse. I wonder if there are ever instances where twopeople begin to break up, but don't. And, not only do they stay, but the really stay. Not just forconvenience or comfort or some other insecure reason, but because they really want to staytogether. I imagine it's possible, but probably nearly entirely unlikely if one or both personsframe the obstacle in terms of beginning to break up. "What we believe to be real is real in itsconsequences." (Thomas Theorem, self-fulfilling prophecy)

I'm entirely not writing about what I intended to write about. But I feel so good. And I'm happywith my writing style. And I am so independent, but not alone. I know I'm jumping all over theplace, but I'll blame it on the fact that I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower lastnight and finished tonight. So some of that frantic writing style has been absorbed.

Anyway. I hadn't been happy with my writing style for a short time. I wrote academically wellenough, but couldn't really bring myself to write privately and be satisfied with how I said whatI had to say. My writing had been called repetitive and unclear. And I know I can be redundant.It's how I find the right, best way to say something. I don't delete the first tries because theyadd poetry. But I tried to be more concise and I couldn't. It was like trying to be concisesuffocated my mind to the point where I couldn't communicate sufficiently at all. I really dosound like Perks right now.

In the meantime, I'm trying to decide if and how I want to post this as a blog. I feel like notposting the whole thing would do it a disservice and that it would be really freeing to be sovulnerable. To make myself, no, allow myself to be so vulnerable. That's why I want someoneto read this. I guess there's no reason not to post the whole thing, except that it might seemless important once it is made public. (I'm posting this nearly in its entirety. I justified theprecious argument because it is equally important to me because it was in my journal first.)

I suppose I should write about academic things. I only hope doing so does not stop me fromfeeling so good. Maybe I should write about feeling so good first, so that if academic topics dointerfere, I can read and remind myself. Yes. In short, I really cannot explain it adequately.(For your information, my new-found happiness was not induced in any artificial way, meaningI haven't turned to drugs or anything like that. Figured I'd put your mind at ease, mom.)but I really feel like I am me. Genuinely, sincerely. Thus, I am sincerely happy. I felt like thisAug-Sep '09 during the first few weeks of my first semester here at BC. Well, the first few weeksafter the first few weeks. I felt genuinely me because no one here knew me and had nopreconceptions or expectations. It felt really good. And that's essentially how I feel now.

I write redundantly, as discussed earlier. I am very independent - I don't mind eating alone orsitting somewhere by myself to read and write. Conversely, I very much enjoy people - it's whyI like working in the library or walking across campus; I like saying hi to people and I likepeople saying hi to me. I don't know what else to say. I feel good right now and, while I want tokeep feeling good, I primarily want to remember that I feel good.

Anyway. (Blubber) Academia!

I really want to draw. Anyway. And sew my pillow. Annnnnyway!

Psychology Research MethodsIn class the other day, I was listening to my professor talk about his teaching philosophy andconsidering the overall theme of If I Were a Teacher. I think one of the Sociology professorsis probably my favorite teacher here at BC, but this particular Psychology professor is a veryclose second. Additionally, I think he best-exemplifies my book. I haven't said this before, butit feels strange to say "my book" because it's not a book yet. Sometimes I say "my book idea,"but that is also insufficient because it is more than an idea. "Work-in-progress book?" Toomany words. Anyway. My Psychology professor is great and I'm glad my first class on MWFis with him because he is an awakening individual. I mean that in the most literal sense. Asfor the class, it is super-cake because all this general methodology was drilled into my headso much last semester. I even opted out of buying the textbook for this class. I know! Me!Without a textbook! On Monday, we worked in small groups to complete a 40-question testabout APA term paper style. I loved it. SO much. I am SUCH a nerd. We also formulatedconcrete groups and chose a topic from provided options and my group is doing somethingrelated to positive allusions vs. reality, which was my first choice. I wonder how much I'll likethis course when I actually have to do any substantial amount of work for it. Probably enough.Today, we talked about research ethics and if it is ethical to use any deception in research, evenif it is necessary to prevent skewed results. One girl said no and I originally agreed with her,but as I thought about it, I decided that deceptions is more a matter of morals. In my opinion,any degree of deception is not moral and should be avoided. But that doesn't mean that thereare never times when it can be ethically justified - whether for research or personal reasons.Morals and ethics are not the same.

GeologyGeology is fine. Better now that we've actually started talking about rocks and looking at rocksand touching rocks. I like rocks.

Group ProcessA very strange class. I just remember I had to write a journal entry about class yesterday, soI just did that and now no longer want to write about it here. But I'll try. It's a required coursefor Information Systems Management majors and an elective for Sociology majors, so the classis about half and half. Essentially, the course is as student-led as possible. Discussions, format,division of assignments, weights of grades, etc. The first day was exciting because it remindedme of the group lab from SOC101 at HACC, but it was absolutely terrifying. Yesterday was azillion times better and I WANT to go tomorrow. So that's good. But it's still scary. I hope it willturn out to be my favorite course.

Social InequalityI feel like I hear a lot of terrible things about this course and its professor last semester. But, sofar, so good. The professor is a bit unorganized, but otherwise awesome and hilarious. It's a lotof review material so far, but I'm trying my best to focus on learning all that I can. That's mygoal for this semester. Also, most of the class is everyone from Methods, so I love havinganother class with all of them.

Methods II (Socio)For the division of labor this semester to actually do the survey, I volunteered to be on Team Aand we will handle the organization/compilation and editing/proofing of the entire surveyinstrument. Remember how I said I love to proofread? Yup. It's a giant task, but I get to helpmake things consistent! Yay! Yesterday, the time approached and passed 3:30 and I finallyleft at 3:50 so that I could be at half of Jazz Band. I hate being late to Jazz, but I even more hateskipping out on Methods early. A classmate-friend said they didn't get out until at least 4:15.So that was ridiculously stressful. Actually, yesterday was ridiculously stressful. I think I kind offorgot how much work is involved in the course. Oh well. Hopefully I keep liking it.

Well. Those are my classes. Jazz Band is pretty good. I think I'll be getting recruited forSymphonic pretty soon, as that concert is the week before Spring Break and ours is the weekafter. Members of the instrumental ensembles are having dinner at P. Corn.'s house nextThursday. So that's pretty neat-o.

Had my first piano lesson of the semester on Monday and, as much as I was dreading it, I thinkit should be a good semester. I feel like my teacher wants to work me really hard, but I'm takingpeace in the fact that he'll understand if the semester fluctuates in busy-ness. He wants me towork on a piece from each time period and wants me to be genuinely enthusiastic/passionateabout what I'm learning. I think that's possible. All in all, as much as I dread lessons, I do endup enjoying them and I am so glad my teacher is back. I completely forgot to ask him how hissabbatical was. Whoops.

On Monday, I had some time to kill between piano/lunch and Psych Methods lab, so I chilled inthe Socio lab for a bit and then wandered around Bowman and walked past my PDP advisor'soffice. The door was open and he was sitting with his feet on his desk reading, so I turned aroundto say hi. It was a really nice visit. He said he had just read my blog and asked specific questionsin regards to my most recent post. So that was awesome. :) He also asked about the origin ofthe name. I'm very glad my roommate was in his English class and that she talked about himand that I picked him to be my PDP advisor.

As for my goal for this semester, I am trying to learn as best I can. I'm trying to focus less onthe future outcome (grades/GPA). I think focusing on the final, technical outcome hinderslearning. If I focus on that, I get wrapped up in a memorize-to-retain mentality. And that's nota good method for real, long-time acquisition of knowledge. So I'm really going to try to learnfor the purpose of learning. So far, this new mentality has helped with my Inequality readings.I feel like I've talked about this before. I know I have. Last semester, I felt like I learned very,very little. Maybe it was the courses, maybe it was me. Regardless, I want my educationalcareer (and the rest of my life) not to be like that. Right now, now that I feel good, I want tolearn.

This semester got off to a strange start. Tuesday night before classes was a fun time with a newfriend. Wednesday, as I walked across campus after working at the library, an uncensoredthought entered my head: "I hate school." Whoops. Where did that come from? It was deeplyupsetting, both to have it enter my thoughts without permission and for feeling it as valid. I keptmyself occupied by reading ahead for classes, reading 1984, and spending entirely too much timeon Facebook. The really stressful day was Tuesday, particularly because of the ongoing conflictbetween Methods and Jazz. I got The Perks to Being a Wallflower from my friend and beganreading it Tuesday evening, since I had finished 1984 on Sunday. I read 78 of the 213 pagesthat evening. I finished the rest this evening. It was so good; precisely what I needed at a veryopportune time. And I'll spread the word: if you haven't read it, please do. It is very easy torelate to and sincere and transparent. I think transparent is the best word. As I left the librarytonight, I had about ten pages left to read and I felt really, really good. I had started to feelgood earlier today. Monday and most of Tuesday were not very academically productive days,but I got back into it today.

The end of Perks, my re-commitment to really learning, and my re-decision that productivityfeels good coincided quite well. And yes, I will balance academic productivity with free-timeproductivity (playing games with friends and making things) with other productivity (pianoand grad school research).