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Growing Old: A Guide for Fogies & Spinsters

Nobody
ever asks an old man’s opinion. Probably because most people just don’t
care what he thinks. “What can an old fool like that tell us about the
world anyway?!” One of these people might shout to you over the wind as
he grins and jerks the wheel of his convertible towards a raccoon in
the road.

Frankly, if people like this would just take the time to learn about
the elderly instead of deliberately running down helpless animals in
the street, perhaps this world would be a better place. So, for the
sake of education: Here is a Q&A in which I answer most (if not
all) of the questions you might have about the elderly and growing old.

Q.What happens when we grow old?

A.Too
many things to count. Your muscles will ache constantly and your bones
become fragile as glass. You may take pain relievers to help
with the muscle problems, but be very cautious about your bones. If you
were to allow someone to playfully knock you on the head with a length
of pipe, your skull would likely shatter like piece of stale peanut
brittle.

There are some positives to aging though. If you’re male, getting old also
means you're less likely to be distracted by things like:

Teeth-clenching pangs of sexual lust

The urge to gun the engine of a car every time you’re at a stoplight

Unexplained flashes of wallpunching rage

Hair

So look forward to that I guess.

Q.My
grandfather constantly says things like “Well, I guess I had better go
out and get the mail now…” and then trails off, glancing hopefully
towards me. It’s obvious he’s just hinting that he wants me to do it
for him. How should I react in this situation?

A.Well a good person
wouldn’t even need to ask, they would just go and get the man’s mail
for him. But if you feel like having some fun with the guy, just shrug
and say something like “Yeah, I guess you’d better get right on that
pops.” while absentmindedly flipping through channels on the
television. Give him a few minutes to stew over it, and then you might
get up and offer to get it. Or not. Whatever.

Q.I hear a lot of stories about old people shoplifting, what gives?

A.Ah
yes! Believe it or not, many senior citizens (or seasoned citizens as I
like to call them) will take to a life of crime out of sheer boredom.
Who can blame them? Which would you rather be doing when you’re 96:

1. Slouching
in a mushy burnt orange chair in a darkened room while a Golden Girls
rerun flickers on the TV and glancing up every hopefully each time the
glow of headlights fills the room only to have your hopes dashed when
you find that it's simply someone using your driveway to turn around.

2. Pilfering unneeded sundries from a local shop

The
answer is clear. You can’t possibly imagine the thrill an old woman
gets from just sort of wandering around a drugstore for half an hour,
then going into an empty aisle at the back of the store and using her
arm to knock an entire shelf of Children’s Motrin into her purse.

Does she even need Children’s Motrin? Certainly not; she’ll likely just
hoard it away in a cupboard when she gets home. It’s about the rush. The feel
of nearly congealed blood oozing somewhat faster through her crinkled
veins. The cryptic smile she gives the cashier as she shuffles past the
register and out the door. The idea that soon there are going to be
countless children
in the area with headaches, and that their parents may be slightly
inconvenienced by having to drive down the street to a different
drugstore when they attempt to purchase medication for them.
That’s living. That’s freedom.

Q. I’ve heard a lot of talk about how really old people are a lot like babies, is this true?

A.Yeah
it is. Many comedians make jokes about this, but I feel it is a serious
issue and should be looked into in greater depth. Here is a list of things you do while very young, and then again once you’ve
become very old.

Eating Liquefied Foods

Babbling Incoherently Just to Hear Self Talk

Wearing Diapers

Being “Taken for a Walk” or “Taken for a Drive”

Moaning

Petting Animals

Enjoying Television Simply Because of Noise, Colors, and Motion it Produces

Lying in Bed; Staring at Ceiling in Daze

Q.Someone told me black people “age” better than white people, is this true?

A.Usually
you shouldn’t believe anything some old Klan member off the street
tells you about black people, but in this case it's actually true. If
you think about it, you’ve probably never seen a black person who looks
older than 60 years old. This is because the pigmentation of their skin
absorbs more sunlight, which they use for energy (instead of calories).
Because of this, it takes black people approximately 90 years to reach
the age of 60. They might also stay alive (at this same age) for 30-40
more years, and then one day they'll be walking down the street and
simply disintegrate into a cloud of purplish dust and be carried away
on the wind.

Q. That sounds ridiculous! I’d like to see some proof of this.

A.
Don’t believe me eh? You white people are all the same with your small
government and sweatpants and logic and three cornered hats. I guess I
can’t blame you for asking though; it’s just the way you were raised.
Here are some pictures of black people at
different ages:

Age 6

Age 25

Age 40

Age 75

Age 120

Q. My grandmother talks constantly about anything and everything that enters her head. I’ve noticed a lot of other elderly people do this as well. Why is this?

A.A
few of them are senile (or simply insane), but the vast majority of old
people just like to talk. Whether it’s reading the name of each
billboard out loud as you pass in the car, listing the side-effects
they’ve experienced while on certain medications, or simply narrating
their actions before they perform them, old people just enjoy hearing
their own voice. Honestly it doesn’t matter if you pay attention or
not, they don’t mind. But if you’d like to know if the prescription
drug Lipitor causes drymouth or oily rectal discharge, don’t be afraid
to open your ears (and your heart) to an elderly relative.