As anyone who has ever lost, I don't know, three hours in front of one of those TV channels in the US devoted solely to infomercials knows, Americans are no slouches when it comes to advertising inventions one had heretofore never thought needed inventing. To pick my favourite modern-day invention is truly a Sophie's Choice scenario. But if Sophie could choose, so can I.

The Potty Putter, perhaps: "The amazing new toilet-time golf game that allows you to practise your putting on the potty"? Or maybe the "Better Marriage Blanket", which "absorbs flatulence molecules [thanks to] the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons . . . You owe it to your marriage!" I urge you all to look up these adverts on the web, and then weep for those actors who once dreamed of Oscars, but instead play golf while sitting on the toilet.

Now, Nike has announced it is working on what it calls an "automatic lacing system" – or what I call: "Oh my God, trainers that tie themselves, just like the ones in Back to the Future Part II! Now where's that flying DeLorean already, dammit?" Others, however, see this long-awaited invention as not so much a realisation of the sci-fi dream, but an indictment of the public. "Nike has seen the future and it is a world where everyone is so fat they can't tie their own laces," snarked the US website Gawker, and seeing as last time I was in America, I saw an advert for a pair of trousers that came with an extra panel of fabric inside to be let out when needs must, Gawker's interpretation may have more merit than mine.

More puzzling is why, amid the 10,000 pieces of of bizarre exercise equipment and wearable blankets that my countrymen advertise on a daily basis, no one invents something America actually needs even more than the Hawaii Chair, which resolves the issue of how one can do the Hula without standing up. You need only look back on this last weekend in America, say, where current affairs highlights included Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally (because, truly, nothing restores honour like having a rally on the anniversary of and at the same venue as Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech, hosted by a man who once compared Al Gore to Adolf Hitler.

Then, just to prove the stupid was strong in America, Paris Hilton was arrested after allegedly dropping a bag of cocaine at the feet of some cops who had pulled her over when they spotted marijuana smoke coming out of the black SUV. Yes, America is certainly in need of some kind of help, but perhaps self-tying shoes is not at the top of the list.

Instead, here are some upcoming inventions that will soon be appearing on an infomercial channel near you. Naturally, the descriptions are to be read in the deep, exaggerated American accent with which we aficionados of infomercials are so familiar.

1. Paris Hilton's mugshot hair

Have you recently been arrested? Again? And are you concerned about ensuring you look even hotter than you did in your last minxy mugshot photos? Then you need the Paris Hilton Mugshot Hairpieces! When Paris was arrested, bloggers had only one question: "Is it weird that I really like her hair?" worried HeyGirlHey on jezebel.com. No, HeyGirlHey, it is not. Everyone needs to look good in their mugshots, particularly when you know you won't ever really be incarcerated, because you're rich and, like, you have the GQ Babes of the Year party to attend next week. Call 1-900-SCREW-JUSTICE-HOWZ-MY-HAIR (company based in Chinese workhouse, hence long phone number).

Glenn Beck: what a hoot! But do you sometimes feel you haven't got a clue what he's on about? Worry no more! Get the new Glenn Beck Translator, a small electronic device that will explain to you that "communism" and "fascism" are the same thing in Beckspeak, and both mean "blanket words to cover my abject political ignorance"; that "socialism" means "Stalinism"; and, adorably, that "racist" means "not white" (sample usage: "I'm not saying [Obama] doesn't like white people. This guy is, I believe, a racist").

PLUS! Call now, and get a FREE adapter that will switch your Glenn Beck translator to a Fox News translator. At long last, you'll learn what Bill O'Reilly is saying, whenever he opens his mouth.

It's not easy to get far if you're a racist these days. Actually, scratch that: certain high-profile newscasters and members of the Republican party manage just fine. But it is hard finding good racist T-shirts and placards that don't look like they were written by a five-year-old with his eyes shut, a problem that was touchingly apparent at Beck's rally this weekend, with one gentleman wearing a T-shirt that claimed: "Blacks own slaves in Mauitania, Sudan, Niger & Haiti." Such a shame his intended point is obscured by the distracting Mauitania/Mauritania mix-up. Otherwise, I'd have really been swayed. So pick up the phone and call us now. That way, you'll be garen – er, certain that you are spelling "Obama" and "Adolf" correctly at your next rally, even on the same poster.