Madhuri´s Aaja Nachle may
not have done well, but it was a good film. Sridevi´s English
Vinglish was, of course, wonderful. Nobody has ever seen Raveena
Tandon´s comeback film, but I hear it was critically acclaimed.
Karishma Kapoor´s Dangerous Ishq last year was only
dangerous to good taste, but she is now defeated in the „worst
comeback film possible“ category by Preity Zinta. At least Karishma
was offered the film and somebody else paid for it. At least as a
basic story Dangerous Ishq was promising. Neither can be said about
Ishkq in Paris, a film that may just be the definition of „useless“
from now on. Imagine the most simple cliché for a „modern“ love
story. Add nothing creative, original, or – God forbid –
unexpected. There. You have Ishkq in Paris.

And as a bonus you have Chunky Pandey. Like what could possibly go wrong.

Meeting on a train through
Europe, two free thinking individuals bump into each other. A
businesman Akash and a photographer Ishkq then decide to spend an
evening in Paris together, just to part ways in the morning and never
to see each other again. No baggage, no emotional bonding. Just fun.
No sex, btw. By „fun“ they mean sitting in restaurants and riding
carroussels. And then they part. But Akash cannot forget the
completely inappropriately
dressed-in-clothes-I-would-slap-my-teen-daughter-for-wearing Ishkq
and when an excuse comes up he breaks his promise of not meeting her
ever again, stalks her down and within days they are both in love.
However Ishkq still has issues, because once upon a time her parents
split up, which means she does not believe in marriage (because
obviously all couples break up and leave each other and no
relationship deserves a chance). But then she changes her mind, after
her mum tells her, daddy did not leave, they agreed on living apart.
And because that completely changes everything, Ishkq catches up with
Akash and next thing you know they are in India getting married. The
end.

The story is just
ordinary, lazy and painfully boring. With no real twists and no real
depth. And no point. True, sometimes simplicity is the key to charm,
but there is different between simple and just boring. The film has
little over 2 hours, yet it feels like a small eternity. The visuals
could have been better and the songs also do not add to the
entertainment value (no matter how much of Salman Khan you stuff into
it). The two main leads have no chemistry and look mismatched, and
the biggest fun you have with them is while trying to guess who is
wearing more make-up.

Rhehan Malliek does not
deserve a second thought. He doesn´t stay in mind and does not
impress. Preity, unfortunately, does not fare much better. Of course
one cannot expect her to be the fresh girl interested in Shahrukh
Khan´s virginity from Dil Se, and it has been some time since cute,
if rather boring Zaara, but Preity Zinta from Ishkq in Paris seems a
completely different person. Badly styled, she looks even older than
she actually is (and the very much obvious plastic surgery makes
things worse). She is supposed to be under 30 in the film, I gather,
but everything she looks is nearly desperate and not convincing. Much
like SRK in Jab Tak Hai Jaan, Preity in this one should have just
embraced her age, and perhaps turn it all into a more mature love
story.

Isabelle Adjani, an acting
LEGEND of French and world cinema, is given a raw deal. I cannot
phantom what made her give her a nod to the film (maybe Shekar
Kapoor, making a blink and miss cameo near the end?). In any case,
apart from having nothing to do, she also gives a very awkward
performance, being dubbed into Hindi all the way through. And her
plastic surgeries make her, ironically, looking younger than Preity.
But for me she is forever the ill-fated La Reine Margot, splendid,
wonderful, timeless.

Not too long ago Sonali
Bendre said she is not vying for lead roles since quite often the
most interesting part is of somebody else in the film. While I sense
Sonali might have said that simply because she is no longer offered
lead roles, there is some truth to her statement and Nautanki Saala
is a clear proof of the same theory. After winning accolades and
hearts as Vicky Donor, Ayushman Khuranna was one of the most watched
out for newcomers. Sadly his second big screen venture did not really
go according to plan at the box office. And you can´t really blame
the audience. People do not buy tickets to the bored.

A successful theater actor
and director RP saves an unknown young man from commiting suicide by
hanging, and to prevent him from trying again he takes him home,
thinking everything will be fine by morning. However Mandar – the
saved one – not only has no interest to move on from the tragedy
that struck him (girlfriend challi gayi. Blah. And here I was rooting
for something really depressing), but it also turns out he has
nowhere to go, nothing to do and basically actually is as useless as
he claims to be. RP is determined to help, much to the protests of
his girlfriend, who, unlike him, can see Mandar for what he really is
– a whiny baby, selfish and absorbed in self-loving. RP gets him a
job in the theater (and as a lead actor in his own play – talk
about confidence) and lets him live in his own flat. After a while
even he is tired of Mandar, who is failing in every single department
of life, and decides to put him and Nandini, the girl behind the
suicide, back together. But dil to paagal hai and RP falls for the
girl himself....

It all starts on a rather
promising note. The first twenty or so minutes I found genuinely
funny, but after it starts slowing down more and more and more.... so
after what feels like an eternity, during which your head keeps
dropping and eyes keep closing, you FINALLY reach a climax, that just
happens, no explanations needed apparently. The greatest flaw (if you
have not noticed from my complaining already) is the snail speed,
which result in excrutiatingly boring wait for things to move on.
Considering the running time is only 2 hours, this is just
unforgivable. While it was really funny in bits, the boredom
ultimately overpowers all.

Ayushman was my favourite
new comer last year, but Nautanki does nothing to support my liking
for him. He doesn´t really have that much of a role when I think
about it, does not go through any development as a character. As I
have mentioned above, he is a lead, but everybody else is more
interesting. Kunal Roy Kapoor looked extremely ...... dirty and
sleazy. And Abhishek Bachchan´s appearance is one of the most
lukewarm cameos ever. Even the music is average - with the exception
of So Gaya Yeh Jahan and Dhak Dhak, which are both just copies, and
now even incorporated in the film. Waste of time, really.