It’s time to use your constitutional rights this great country offers you.

It’s time to ban cheese.

As you might know, the Dallas Cowboys face off against the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. Wisconsin(as of 2013) continues to be the largest cheese producer in the country. Let’s hit those cheeseheads where it hurts most.

If the Cowboys were a cheese, it would most certainly be American. It’s time to stop acting like Swiss.

Packers fans. File photo

Think of all the benefits of a cheese ban:

Cheese sales go down, and to recover, Wisconsin will have to do more than a discount double-check.

It helps the environment. There will be less methane gas in the air because we won’t be cutting the cheese. (This place could smell better anyway).

Clay Matthews’ hair wouldn’t look as pretty without all the Vitamin D.

Talk about cheesy! Packers defender Clay Matthews' hair could be on the cover of a romance novel (AP).

Dallas prides itself on being inclusive, but it’s time to be lactose intolerant.

Do you ever find yourself scrolling through your timeline and holding back how you really want to react to some of your friends’ posts? No? Neither do I. ;)

Never has a “WHO CARES?!” crossed my mind when I browse through my Facebook. And of course I don’t take 27 selfies before choosing the one where I look simply gorgeous. Who am I kidding? Some of these scenarios are VERY common.

Take a look at these and other scenarios we all go through when dealing with others(and with our own selves) on social media.

Are you still looking for that gift that will say more than your words ever could? Do you love the versatility of emojis? (I mean, come on, how can your heart not be warmed when you’re sent a ?) Well, here comes the Internet and all of its glory to provide an answer to your gifting needs.

Hand-stitched poop emojis.

You read that right, dear reader. are all the rage; well at least they are for my best friend, which is why with my trusty, never far compatriot the Google search, I found a pattern for how to stitch one and frame it for my dearest friend.

I am not the only one getting on this emoji-gifting train this holiday season either. Conan O’Brien and Nick Offerman teamed up to craft wood-carved emojis, and for $100 a pop you and all your friends can proudly display your love for both and hunks of solid oak.

That aside, a more affordable option that you are sure to have by Hanukkah (if you stitch quickly, it does start tomorrow) and definitely by Christmas, is a hand-stitched emoji.

I am by no means an expert crafter. This was my first stitching since third grade when I made a cross-stitch apple. It only took me a couple episodes of The West Wing to finish the piece, so I know you too can binge-watch some Netflix and stitch a .

You will need:

A pattern. I recommend checking out this Etsy store. They are about $4 for a download.

Cross-stitching fabric. I recommend finding something with an even weave so it is easier to count stitches.

Embroidery thread in the colors for your pattern. It is available in most craft or sewing stores and is often under $1 each.

A quilting needle. Judge this based on the size of holes in the fabric you buy, but an average size needle should do the trick.

A wooden hoop. This will hold your piece and make it easier to work so decide what size you want and choose a hoop accordingly.

Iron-on transfer paper. This should be at the craft store as well.

Steps:

Print your pattern on the transfer paper then follow the package directions to transfer the pattern onto the fabric.

Get to stitching. For my poop emoji, I used split stitches to create a texture. If you’re new to stitching, here is an illustrated guide to help you.

"George, Festivus is your heritage. It's part of who you are." (screengrab via Crackle)

We’d like to assume that everyone in Dallas celebrates Festivus, but a dearth of related events this year suggests the city has forgotten the reason for the season: the airing of grievances and feats of strength.

Let me stop you there. That was neither a political nor religious statement. It’s a satirical comment based on a holiday parody that took traction after a Seinfeld episode back in 1997. Its origins apparently date back to scriptwriter Dan O’Keefe’s actual, idiosyncratic family traditions, and he’s written extensively about it. But for most of us, it’s inseparable from the hilarious images created by Jason Alexander and Jerry Stiller on Seinfeld.

Purists will note that Festivus takes place on Dec. 23 and its “feats of strength” involve wrestling the head of household until he or she is pinned. But what about those whose household comprises three cats and a cactus? (So what if the IRS still won’t let me, I mean, people declare felines dependents on tax returns?) Or locals who want to spice things up by adapting the true meanings of Festivus for the modern age?

Here are four Festivus Feats of Strength for the rest of us here in Dallas.

Hold up a sign for someone at the Dallas Marathon – Forecasts predict rain for the race on Sunday. Hours of rain. And do you know how long some of these crazies take to run a marathon? Four, five, six hours! Push through the forearm cramps. At the first sign of fatigue, fuel up on the free Gatorade and little sugar packets sitting out on tables everywhere.

Dodge shoppers at NorthPark for time – A test of agility and speed, this feat requires weaving in and out of the intense holiday crowds, utilizing Parkour techniques and ninja-like skills. Start at Dillard’s and head along the straightaway to Macy’s. When you get good, like good enough to duck and dodge with a 16 oz coffee in hand, try making the diagonal all the way to Nieman’s. Keeping with Festivus’ anti-commercialism, don’t buy anything! Especially not the coffee, the rest of which you should simply keep strapped to your leg in an aluminum thermos.

Flagpole sit atop Reunion Tower – Don’t actually do this. Don’t actually attempt this. But seeing that an unadorned aluminum pole is the primary symbol of Festivus, it only seems appropriate seeing that one of the primary symbols of Dallas is a massive, blinking, rotating, ornately lit pole. Imagine it: reclaiming the city for Festivus, climbing all 561 feet like King Kong, and holding on for the ride of your life, flapping in the wind as she rotates …

Many great journalists have walked through The Dallas Morning News TV Studio providing exclusive and informative content. However, some of those recorded moments never made it to the final edited piece. We’ve compiled all the laughs and screw-ups and present the 2014 blooper reel.

What about a very realistic soap opera about what it's like being part of a rich oil family in Dallas? Wait, they already did that?

Verizon announced this week that it has agreed to distribute Fort Worth’s Ride TV, an indie “equestrian lifestyle channel” that debuted on Oct. 1. Once you add the equestrian part, Ride’s pretty much what it sounds like. Or better, according to a press release: It produces original programming like “highly entertaining reality shows, talk shows, documentaries, children’s programming, [and] movies.”

Some of that includes Rock Star Vets, about an oil patch doc who “dips snuff, is tatted up and graduated Magna Cum Laude,” and who is a “brilliant equine surgeon who can drink more tequila than any person vertical.”

Seriously. That synopsis alone is better than half the writing on TV.

So no hatin’ on Ride TV. I grew up in a town of 200 with a cowboy dad who forced us to watch nonstop RFD-TV on the only television in our house that had satellite. Teenage me wasn’t crazy about live cattle auctions or tractor documentaries. (Though Baxter Black was my boy.) In retrospect, I’m glad my dad had a link to a community that he was, for the most part, too remote to actually be a part of.

Still, Ride TV is niche as hell. How far can we take this? Let’s do an all-Dallas channel! To my knowledge, none of these television shows currently exist. But, if you’ve got an upcoming conference with a network head and are in need of filler, pitch these:

SMU Fratiators: No drinking games or even quiz bowl trivia here. We’re talking actual hand-to-hand combat in the [Moody] Coliseum. How can you rightly call it panhellenic unless there’s some Greco-Roman maneuvers involved?

Wizards of White Rock: A reality show following locals on their quest to go pro. Follow the heartbreaking territorial rift between Lakewood’s clan and Preston Hollow planeswalkers. Season cliffhanger leaves us with James in rehab trying to shake the “cardboard crack.”

America’s Next Top Cat Meme: Grumpy Cat has her own movie. We want to do a spin-off ripoff, but Dallas doesn’t have a Tardar Sauce of its own. At least not one that’s been discovered yet. Does your feline have star power? Original grumpy cat Simon Cowell can’t commit to judge, but Alan Arkin’s agent picked up the phone at least once.

Queens of the Court: It’s like Judge Judy — small claims court — but presided over by The Rose Room’s glamorous divas. There’s no “lip syncing for one’s life,” a la RuPaul’s Drag Race. But capital punishment does include life without sole. (Flats only.)

Mall Walk, Fast Talk: Finally, a good old fashioned sitcom set at NorthPark. There’s a laugh track and track suits, not to mention dialogue snappier than Dick Van Dyke crossed with that handsome Tony Danza boy. The central driving theme is the will-they-won’t-they between Burt and Myrtle, and Mary-Dell’s signature fringed pixie is expected to surpass The Rachel in a landslide when it comes to follicular copycats.

The New York Timesasks a pertinent question: “Who really wants to wait in line overnight, or even multiple days and nights, to get first crack at the deepest discounts?”

If you’re all like

I’m not going to

Just to rummage through

But, just,

OK, you’re hyperventilating. THE CROWDS. THE SHOVING. THE SWEATING.

This is not your kind of thing.

You’ve got permission to go eat a turkey sandwich with your Thanksgiving Day leftovers and go back to bed. Forget about those people waiting outside shopping malls in suburbia. Relish in this: There’s one really big, great place to get deals, too:

Take a quick poll before the parade starts: Who’s been in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade before — perhaps as a middle-school-aged tuba player or a pom-pom girl? This person maintains rights to hand out drinks without reason for the entire duration of the game. Use this power wisely.

Each time you hear a TV anchor ask people to join them on Twitter at “#macysparade,” #DRINKTWO. Not on Twitter? You’re officially tasked with getting more beer from the fridge whenever anyone runs out.

Make any person of your choice gobble like a turkey each time you hear a TV announcer call Thanksgiving “Turkey Day.”

Begin your best “Shake It Off” dance if (when) you hear T-Swift’s song. Last person to do the “Shake It Off” dance has to drink four and do a cartwheel. Or maybe you should do the cartwheel first, then drink.

Offer a heartfelt toast when you see the Snoopy and/or Spongebob floats. Everyone drinks together on this one.

Take one drink each time you see someone in the parade shivering. If they look, well, Frozen, sing as much of “Let It Go” as you can remember. For anyone who pretends he or she doesn’t know the words, that person must take a jog around the outside of the house two times. Liar.

Finish your drink if anyone on television describes the weather conditions in New York City as “blustery.” Then assume an English accent for the remainder of the game.

The first person to ask when dinner is: Do five push ups and drink twice.

Don’t know who that person singing on TV is? Take three bad guesses. Then drink once for each bad guess. (That’s three drinks.)

When you see Santa, yell out what you’d like for Christmas. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, yell out what you’d like for your birthday, even if it isn’t anytime soon.

If you spot more than five men in scarves, take two drinks and high-five the person to your left. It must really be cold if there are dudes wearing scarves.

Who can do the best falsetto to Nick Jonas’ song “Jealous”? That person doesn’t have to do dishes after dinner.

If anyone asks if you can turn off the parade in favor of … I dunno … anything else, they’ve just accidentally signed up to make a beer run. Good thing: You were almost out!

On a scale from great to ghastly, Texas clocks in with a solid "meh" as to whether your Thanksgiving will be a family disaster.

It would seem impossible to chart how miserable (or not miserable) your Thanksgiving might be. How do you quantify the number of awkward conversations with an estranged aunt? The number of passive-agressive fights with your siblings? The number of days you’re forced to sleep on the floor because you’re the only unmarried one?

It isn’t exactly science. But it’s more math than I’ve ever put on the probability of a Thanksgiving family fight, that’s for sure.

Ohio is the worst place to have Thanksgiving, according to this study. Ohioites ranked highly in contentious politics, dietary restrictions and NFL team(s) losing. Good luck out there, anyone traveling to (or living in) Ohio.

The best place for Thanksgiving is Hawaii, the numbers say. Hawaii is super low on the salmonella scale and don’t appear to have a lot of complainers when it comes to diet. If you’re going to Hawaii for Thanksgiving, fine, good for you. I bet we’ll see your awesome photos on Facebook.

Here in Texas, we’re pretty middle of the pack: Texas ranked 31 out of 50, meaning it’s slightly more on the less-miserable side than, say, other middling states like New York, Colorado and Tennessee.

Regardless of where you live, we sincerely hope your Thanksgiving is not miserable. But if it is, tell us the whole story in the comments.