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Author
Topic: Sex with Ex? (Read 7604 times)

Had a pm conversation about this and I wanted to throw this out there for comment? Do you? Have you? Good idea? Bad idea? Upsides? Pitfalls? Here's my take from recent experience witha boyfriend I had over a year ago - we had seen each other a little over a year. I can tell you, sex with the ex is always complicated, and often a very bad idea. My ex couldn't get on with his life while he was still banging me as a fuck buddy. He was all emotionally wrapped up. When I saw he was getting crazy over it I stopped it, and he was devastated a second time. I broke off our relationship the first time, so my position was different. I was confortable with having him distant yet intimate. He was not. I think we get into these situations because many of us are very sexual and need to have relations, and the ex is a known, workable solution to that requirement. The sex was actually very hot between us always, and for me without the relationship, was very relaxing and free. Unfortunately my ex paid for it twice over. If you're the initiator of the break up it will probably be OK, if not, it will probably hurt.

I still have some left over feelings for my ex but would not want to sex him because I know who he has been with. I will just say a person "rumored" to be poz and very out there, who use to be a friend of mine. Rumored or not, I would not want to take the chance.

Perhaps in time like in Benj's situation, maybe. But honestly, I would have had some WAY hard feelings if you had been my ex, Razor. I would have felt used, toyed with and discarded in very cold fashion. That distant but intimate bs would just be a 'have my cake and eat it too' scenario to me. I doubt that I would ever go back into a sex with the ex scenario regardless of the time length, but certainly not so soon after the breakup.

Hey, hey, point the gun somewhere else! He was a big boy Thunter, and I, in typical fashion was very upfront about what I expected and what I was NOT offering and he agreed. I took him on his word that it was cool. It is he who was not truthful to himself about what he could and could not handle. In any event I don't have to take somebody back because they feel used. I. in fact, dispute any notion that any mentally functional adult can be used. We all know what we want really and what we're doing. And we are every one of us masters at self-deception when it suits our short-term goals. His self-deception was that he could handle the situation and maybe lead me back to a relationship, and mine was that he could handle the situation and not try to lead me back. So to my original point - sex with ex's is probably a mistake.

Razorjezebel LOL! I'm only joking. generally speaking it's probably a recipe for disaster. 2007 is probably gonna be the year my ex-bf gives me the old heave-ho partially as payback for me ending our relationship & partially because pretending the whole "booty-call thing is fine" is getting tiring for him. I'm fully prepared to get cut off and accept any poisoned pen letters that might follow. heh, i can see it now. anyway, playing with fire often leads to one person (or both) getting burned or at least singed

Edited to add: But it would be nice to remain friends - nice & simple brotherly love type of thing. who knows

The boyfriend who broke up with me: sex with him after the breakup always left me feeling wretchedly sad. This was years ago, though, and now whenever I see him (about once a year), we get boozy on good wine (he's rich, the bastard) and we spoon and cuddle and have breakfast in bed and leave each other feeling happy.

The boyfriend I broke up with: I felt bad because I suspected (no, knew) that he was feeling wretchedly sad. I will confess to sleeping with him one more time recently because he was feeling lonely and tearful; I just wanted to stay in and continue with my book. Nevertheless... Probably a bad idea.

The boyfriend who dumped me over the poz thing: I doubt that we'll ever be having sex again. No longer resentful though.

Since I see no boyfriends in the near or even distant future, I'm planning to grow old with my cats, gin bottles, and rent boys. Yay!

Jay

Logged

Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

I had break up sex with my ex of 4 years, and went back for more just once.. haven't been back for about 5 months now.. we still live together.. but I so want to go there again and I'm currently trying to seduce him with my cubbybear charms and jedi mind tricks.

Is post-break-up sex called "residuals"? I seem to have heard that slang somewhere.

Logged

Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

Residuals... sounds like something that needs washing off in the shower.

LOL!!

To my knowledge the term sloppy seconds is when a man has 2 women (or men) and the woman (or man) who is 2nd banana to the preferred woman (or man) is called sloppy seconds. Someone correct me if that's wrong

To my knowledge the term sloppy seconds is when a man has 2 women (or men) and the woman (or man) who is 2nd banana to the preferred woman (or man) is called sloppy seconds. Someone correct me if that's wrong

I've always heard it used like this:

If I say, "Oh, I slept with John last night."

And if my friend has already slept with John, he says, "Ha ha! You got my sloppy seconds."

well philly, tell those clueless boys and/or girls that anal douching is so last decade unless they don't mind risking wet spots on the sheets. douching's bloody time consuming too. kick those amateurs to the curb!

Residuals are what you get paid for work you've done. Doing ex-boyfriends rarely pays.About used - let me reiterate, perhaps more gently. Adult gay men make choices - nobody uses anyone. Children are used, women in societies where they have no rights are used, and the mentally retarded are used. They can't make choices. We choose to be used or not. And I don't see how believing that adults should be self-responsible makes me unworthy of being treated decently, or of deserving support when I need it.

You're right: I chose to be used when I let my emotions guide me into spending a whole lot of holiday time trying to make you feel better. I should have just told you to accept self responsibility for the fact that you were alone and get over it.

You've got choice issues and cross over issues that have nada to do with me. I would appreciate you're just getting off my dress. You also seem to feel I deliberately hurt someone which was untrue. I did my best to manage the situation, it was a lesson learned. In future I will not engage in relations with ex's precisely because it can be hurtful - Thunter why are you making me out to be a monster?

I think you've got a good handle on the situation and have your eyes wide open. Unfortunately emotions have a life of their own and the best laid plans (no pun intended), often go astray. At least you know you're sittin' on a powderkeg.

heh, the big PK (powder keg) - it's all fun & games til it goes BOOM right? well if we could just pop some anti-viagra or some shit we could just be best buds and chill - y'know, like how straight guys have their poker & fishing buddies

Sex with an ex seems rather common, (at least right after a breakup). I don't think breakups are usually clean cut and quick. They seem to go in stages. The problem is that sex can be used as a way of getting back into a relationship or you can easily fool yourself into thinking you still have a connection with your ex.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong, but I just don't think most normal folks have the ability to set aside all the feelings that having sex with your ex can bring.