Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Hi folks, it's me, Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States. I'm a little peeved this week, what with the CROOKED media telling LIES about me, and making it look like I'm NOT, like a smart person. Because I AM like a smart person, believe me.

And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of the haters and losers at the FAILING NY TIMES saying that I am full of baloney. They should STOP reporting FAKE NEWS and get with the MISSION of reporting whatever I say. SAD!

Now sure they can get on their TV stations and say, like, whatEVER, but the thing is, they are the lyingest liars in the history of lying. They will say things like no one from the countries I'm banning has committed an act of terrorism, and that thousands have done so from other countries, like Saudi Arabla. But they're looking at the PAST. I'm looking at the FUTURE, and I know what will happen in the future, believe me.

Now Nicole here, pictured at right, she supported me, and I thank her of course. I also am moved by her statement that her husband cannot get back into the country. But that's what happens when you marry a foreigner. Except for me, because I marry the best foreigners, believe me, and I do it so well that sometimes I get tired of marrying foreigners. But let me get to the point here.

I know 28 days is a long time to wait. It's four weeks, and no one should need to wait four weeks for anything. That's why I'm issuing an executive order to raise the acting week from seven to 28 days. This will help on multiple levels. First of all, someone like Nicole's husband ought not to have to wait four weeks to see her. Under my executive order, he will have to wait only one week.

Another
benefit will be increased productivity. Think of all we can get out of
workers with a 28 day week. And before you even say it, we have left the
weekend exactly as is, and everyone who now gets the weekend off will
continue to do so, believe me.

This will also answer the whiners and losers who are always bitching about minimum wage. With a 28-day week, they will QUADRUPLE their salaries instantly, and there will be NO MORE of this fifteen-dollar an hour nonsense. In fact, perhaps we can lower the minimum wage so as to create more jobs, except for foreigners, because screw them.

This is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking America needs. Do you think Crooked Hillary would have had this idea? Of course not, because the only thing she cares about are her pals in those teacher unions. And let me tell you, it's teacher unions who are limiting the opportunities of our youth. Sure, they'll say that they fight for reasonable wages and decent working conditions, but with my new 28-day week, each and every American will get a 300% raise instantly. When have the losers in the Democratic Party proposed ANYTHING like THAT?

Anyway, America, today is the day that I expect Betsy DeVos to be nominated as Secretary of Education. Betsy comes to the job with a CLEAN SLATE and is proof that I want to DRAIN THE SWAMP. Betsy has never gone to public school, she has never sent her kids to public school, and she has never taught or worked in any capacity as a public school. In fact, Betsy has never even had a job before. This makes her uniquely qualified to get right to work without any prejudices or biases except for that of making things profitable.

We will run public schools just like businesses, and we will do away with all that vacation nonsense. The 28-day week will be a win for all Americans, and anyone who says otherwise is a purveyor of FAKE NEWS! SAD!

Hi folks, it's me, Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States. I'm a little peeved this week, what with the CROOKED media telling LIES about me, and making it look like I'm NOT, like a smart person. Because I AM like a smart person, believe me.

And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of the haters and losers at the FAILING NY TIMES saying that I am full of baloney. They should STOP reporting FAKE NEWS and get with the MISSION of reporting whatever I say. SAD!

Now sure they can get on their TV stations and say, like, whatEVER, but the thing is, they are the lyingest liars in the history of lying. They will say things like no one from the countries I'm banning has committed an act of terrorism, and that thousands have done so from other countries, like Saudi Arabla. But they're looking at the PAST. I'm looking at the FUTURE, and I know what will happen in the future, believe me.

Now Nicole here, pictured at right, she supported me, and I thank her of course. I also am moved by her statement that her husband cannot get back into the country. But that's what happens when you marry a foreigner. Except for me, because I marry the best foreigners, believe me, and I do it so well that sometimes I get tired of marrying foreigners. But let me get to the point here.

I know 28 days is a long time to wait. It's four weeks, and no one should need to wait four weeks for anything. That's why I'm issuing an executive order to raise the acting week from seven to 28 days. This will help on multiple levels. First of all, someone like Nicole's husband ought not to have to wait four weeks to see her. Under my executive order, he will have to wait only one week.

Another
benefit will be increased productivity. Think of all we can get out of
workers with a 28 day week. And before you even say it, we have left the
weekend exactly as is, and everyone who now gets the weekend off will
continue to do so, believe me.

This will also answer the whiners and losers who are always bitching about minimum wage. With a 28-day week, they will QUADRUPLE their salaries instantly, and there will be NO MORE of this fifteen-dollar an hour nonsense. In fact, perhaps we can lower the minimum wage so as to create more jobs, except for foreigners, because screw them.

This is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking America needs. Do you think Crooked Hillary would have had this idea? Of course not, because the only thing she cares about are her pals in those teacher unions. And let me tell you, it's teacher unions who are limiting the opportunities of our youth. Sure, they'll say that they fight for reasonable wages and decent working conditions, but with my new 28-day week, each and every American will get a 300% raise instantly. When have the losers in the Democratic Party proposed ANYTHING like THAT?

Anyway, America, today is the day that I expect Betsy DeVos to be nominated as Secretary of Education. Betsy comes to the job with a CLEAN SLATE and is proof that I want to DRAIN THE SWAMP. Betsy has never gone to public school, she has never sent her kids to public school, and she has never taught or worked in any capacity as a public school. In fact, Betsy has never even had a job before. This makes her uniquely qualified to get right to work without any prejudices or biases except for that of making things profitable.

We will run public schools just like businesses, and we will do away with all that vacation nonsense. The 28-day week will be a win for all Americans, and anyone who says otherwise is a purveyor of FAKE NEWS! SAD!

Top Secret Correspondence

Quoteworthy

At this point, the only reason left to support this President, is that he reflects your hateful heart; he shares your contempt of people of color, your hostility toward outsiders, your toxic misogyny, your ignorant bigotry, your feeling of supremacy.

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Views expressed herein are solely those of the author or authors, and do not reflect views of my employers, the United Federation of Teachers, or any UFT union caucus.

Stories herein containing unnamed or invented characters are works of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.