Trapped on a Plane: An Imaginary Investigation

After falling asleep on a flight earlier this month, passenger Tom Wagner missed his connection to Los Angeles because he woke up trapped inside the locked plane after everyone else — including the crew — had debarked for a layover. When questioned about accountability, the airline issued this explanation: “ExpressJet is investigating to determine how this occurred.”

I’m not particularly aware of regular people because I work exclusively in our Premium Platinum-Preferred Royal Gold Medallion Upper-Elite Gifted and Talented Sanctified and Deified Supreme Almighty First Class Beyond Reproach cabin. Can I be candid? This would never have happened to this Mr. whatever-his-name-is if he’d just used common sense and upgraded.

“Joe,” maintenance worker

You know how many walk-throughs I do every time a jet lands, man? A trillion-million. But lately, it’s getting harder to tell the difference between the luggage and the living. Last week, I swore somebody left a koala bear on board. Turned out it was a little kid’s backpack. Ever seen them hippo diaper bags? They look like a hippo, for real. So, yeah, I saw the dude back there, but I just figured he was some luggage somebody left behind. Ya know, like people luggage — designed so it looks like people. I remember thinking, “Wow, Ricky in security must have gotten paid off big time to let a bag that size in here as carry-on.”

So it’s just about time for my break when my buddy from maintenance pages me and says someone left a piece of People Luggage on 404 from Louisiana. “What the heck is People Luggage?” I say. “It’s a new thing,” he says. “Luggage that looks like people.” So I finally get on the plane to bring it over to Lost and Found, and I’m like, “That’s not People Luggage! That’s people.”

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Have you ever had to sit right next to “that guy” who spends the entire flight talking, kicking your seat, using your armrest, and getting up to go to the bathroom every two minutes? Did he drive me [expletive deleted] insane? Absolutely. Did I ask the flight attendant if I could sit next to the teething infant in 4-B instead? You betcha. Did I slip a few Ambiens into his V-8 when he wasn’t looking? I have nothing further to say on the matter at this time.

“Chad W. Armstrong,” captain

Everyone keeps asking why I didn’t ensure that this individual deplaned, but have any of them ever taken the time to read the Passenger Bill of Rights drafted by Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood? Me neither. But I bet it says way up there in the first amendment or something that every passenger has the inalienable right to deplane when and if he or she so chooses.

“Muriel,” flight attendant, economy class

Yes, I get it, he woke up alone in a locked aircraft, whatever, but the thing that bothers me is that nobody’s looking at this from our perspective. All day long, all we get are angry passengers yelling at us about delayed flights, long security lines, lost luggage, missing oxygen masks. Frankly, this guy was our dream passenger: Out cold and unable to speak. “Let sleeping dogs lie,” that’s what I say.

“Iris Gland,” executive vice president, public relations

“With our plush, pillowtop seat cushions and soothing, spalike surroundings, we are proud to have offered Mr. Wagner a level of tranquillity unsurpassed in the airline industry. We are thrilled that he has accepted this lucrative sponsorship deal, and look forward to working with him in his new role as ExpressJet’s newest Brand Ambassador.”