Saturday, August 15, 2015

Guilt. It's a four letter word. Well, not really. But it's definitely a
four-letter-word of the five-letter-word world. What? Sorry. Stay with me. I
think "guilt" is a bad word that we should try to limit using, except when it is
appropriate to bring us back to God or otherwise to a better self. Moving on …

Over the years – the years before I had a child of my own, I got the
impression that all moms have guilt (and I still think we do – often for
ridiculous things). Maybe even that all moms should feel guilt. To be clear: I know the should part seems ridiculous when put out there in print like this.
However, there are so many articles out there about how stay-at-home moms feel
guilty that they don't provide more for their families and how working moms
feel guilty that they aren't there for theirs. So I just figured there was no
way out of having guilt around that topic. But at some point, before I had my
son, I realized that not every mom feels guilty. At least not about the
to-work-or-not-to-work decision. Nor should they.

I was talking with a stay-at-home-mom friend of mine, presumably about something
I assumed she would have guilt over. And she stated very clearly that,
actually, she didn't feel guilty at all. Somehow this was mind-blowing. I'm
sure I just said something like, "Oh. Well, good." But I think, in
the back of my mind, I thought: "Wow. Well, that was bold ... (How
dare you?)"

Fast forward (I don't know how long – a year or two) to when I had my own
newborn. At my postpartum appointment, my doctor – of all people – gave me
what would become the best piece of advice I received about going back to work.
(And actually, I don't know why I say "of all people" because my
doctor is a woman who has kids. So she's a smart working mom! In fact, a probably crazy-busy, smart working mom. But
anyway, I was not expecting to receive my best piece of
returning-to-work-advice from my doctor that day. So, it felt like an unlikely
source for the most empowering piece of wisdom I received on this matter.) She
told me two things: 1) She said, "You shouldn't feel guilty about going
back to work." Ok. Cool. Heard that
one before. Easier said than done. And then she said, 2) "And you
shouldn't feel guilty about not feeling guilty." What?!!? Not feel guilty
about not feeling guilty? Those words had a dissonant effect within me – they
seemed jarring and confusing. But while they were unsettling, they also felt
very real. I held on to them.

Two more weeks of maternity leave and, while I loved being home with my
little guy, I started gearing up for my return to work in two more. By that
point, my awesome sleeper (which was helped by the fact that he was 11 lbs 3 oz
at birth!) was eating every two hours during the day to get in the nutrition he
needed to make it without waking overnight. So, while I appreciated the
extended sleep at night, I was exhausted by the constant nursing and the
inability to now get anything done
while home during the day. My days were a cycle of: nursing, diaper changes,
playing, sleeping. Every two hours! And the sleeping part only lasted about 30
minutes – which never seemed like enough time to finish things around the house
before he was up and nursing again. I was wiped. But I no longer felt like I
was getting anything accomplished. At least when he was going 3-4 hours between
feeds, I could finish a household task in one setting during his naps. Plus,
because I am so results-oriented and felt very
responsible for his development, I know I went into baby stimulation overdrive
during his play times. We would read books, shake rattles, lift our heads
during tummy time. All the normal things. And it actually sounds so leisurely
as I've described it. But in my head, it was a bit frenetic. I played with him
like IT WAS MY JOB. And I realized, I needed
to return to work. I needed other
people to play with him (or just let him be for a change - ha!) like it was their job. And I needed other adults to interact with and to accomplish something other
than the very (slow) incremental changes that a baby experiences.

As the final two weeks of maternity leave ticked away, I cherished every
day. We had an awesome last-day-with-mommy-home day. And then, as I planned to
return to work on Monday, the weather (which had been decidedly cold but hardly
ever snowy during my maternity leave) decided to act like winter and threaten a
snowstorm. And all I could think was: Nooooo! I need out of this house! I need
to go to work! Plus, I needed for my last
day at home to be my last day. I
couldn't handle the emotions of another "final" day. I couldn't
handle all the buildup and then a huge letdown. Even my husband – who loves
snow and who was actually super stoked we were going to finally get a decent amount
that first week of February – realized quickly he had to squelch his own
desires for mine and my sanity. And thankfully, the snow was not as predicted
(although it did proceed to snow more that winter after I returned to work than when I was home - boo), and I was
able to return to work as planned.

And as much as I missed my baby boy and had to adjust to being away from
him, being back at work felt right. Even with the exhaustion of pumping and
working, it was right. Even though I felt like we barely saw him on weekdays,
life started to fall into place. And I realized: I didn't feel guilty. I just
felt better. But I did have a slight urge to feel like I should feel
guilty. But the words I'd tucked away were there, waiting and readily
available, as if I'd always known I would pull them out. And while they felt a
little wrong at first, they were exactly right - a perfect fit - for me.

I have since reflected on why. I realized that it doesn't make me a bad mom
that I enjoy doing something else with my life than stay at home with my
awesome son. It actually makes me a better mom. Not because working moms are
better. (If there's one thing I learned while being home, it's that being home
all day is extremely taxing – even though there's often nothing to show for at
the end of the day [other than having a well-loved and cared for child – which,
I get it, is the thing!].) But I'm a better mom as a working mom because I'm
teaching my son who I really am. If I all of a sudden stayed home because it
was part of an earlier vision for my life or because I think it's good for moms
to stay home, my son wouldn't get to know the real me. The me who had been
working for 14 years before he arrived. The me who enjoys balancing life and
producing good work and being around people who challenge and grow me and make
me more of who I want and need to be. And the me who yearns for every minute I
get to spend with my son because I now feel less bogged down by the
routines of a nursing mom. The me who feels blessed by my ability to devote my
weekdays to work and my weeknights to him and his dad (and to getting stuff
ready for the next day), and really appreciates my weekends now. I’ve learned:
that's the real me – at least in this phase of life. That's the me I'm glad my
son will grow up knowing. Instead of a bitter, hostile and resentful me, which
is who I think I would become unfortunately, if I were home all day every day.
Instead, he will know the me who puts his dad and him first. But because I
work, they are not my first and only
things. Because they can't be. Because if they were, I might crack. So it would
be wrong, dishonest, for me to try to make my favorite guys in the whole wide
world my everything and deny a big part of who I am. And because of that, I do
not and cannot feel guilty (at least not about going to work).

And I'm convinced that my son will be all the better for it.

But to be clear, I am not writing this to justify my need to be a working
mom. I reconcile that every time we pay bills. For us, it makes sense for me to
work. But I write this for other moms, who either feel guilty about working or feel
guilty about not feeling guilty. I want you to stop. Stop. Feeling. Guilty.
There will be plenty of times ahead where you will fail your child or your spouse
or your parents or your friends or your boss or God – really fail them – because you didn’t try
hard enough or you were too harsh or you refused to forgive (or for Christians,
because you didn’t rely on God’s strength instead of your own). For those things, please, by all means, feel guilt. But use it for good: seek forgiveness, change that
behavior and move on. (Easier said than done, I know.) But if you are truly being
the best mama that you can be, and that involves the need to work – for whatever
reason – there is no need to also feel guilty. Just be you – which means being
the best working mom that you can be – and the rest will work itself out. Your
child will know you. Your child will feel loved by you.

About Me

My name is Jessica Love. I have a print journalism background, but haven't worked in the field in years. I started feeling an itch to write creatively and/or from the heart again in 2011. (Most of my writing is technical these days.) This is where I do that ... I was conceived in Indiana. (I know, right? But it's important. See "Made in Indiana" and "Heart and Soul Defined" blogs from 2011.) Was born and reared (my mama doesn't allow me to say "raised" - "you RAISE chickens, we REARED you", she said) in Alabama. But God keeps calling me back to Indiana. (I went to college in Upland, IN; ultimately married an Indiana boy I met many years after graduating; and currently reside in Indianapolis and think I'm here to stay.) Thanks for coming to my site. Glad to have you along for the journey.