All the News that Fits to Link™

The third official Democratic Debate takes place at Saint Anselm College tonight at 8:00 PM Eastern Time on ABC-TV. Our panelists running for president include front runner Hillary Clinton and challenger Martin O’Malley. The candidates are real. The stakes are high. The participants have agreed to revoke any illusion of independence and have their disputes unsettled in the ABC forum.

According to our best pundits, Hillary Clinton is the runaway front runner. Hillary Clinton has momentum. Hillary Clinton has experience. Most importantly, Hillary Clinton is a woman.

The scheduled debate is only hours away and already the news media has hit the trifecta of excitement. Already, events are unfolding faster than a video of an egg cooking played in reverse. Already, readers and viewers are on the edge of their seats, waiting for media wisdom. Already, we need to get to the details here.

TERRORIST THREAT AT NEW HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE

The FBI and Homeland Security have disclosed the existence of a threat warning reported in a phone call from the headquarters of a news organization. The caller stated that Saint Anselm College is the target for a microphone bomb. It could be planted during a major television event occurring tonight by someone masquerading as a Bernie Sanders paid volunteer. As a top executive at ABC News told us, “No, it was not our idea to call in a terror threat to try to stir up excitement and get ratings. We would never do that.”

New York City Police Commissioner Bill Bratton tweeted that the threat “sounds like a hoax.” Still, to be certain, the FBI raided the campaign headquarters of a possible terror cell disguised as a US presidential campaign and shut down the operation. Paper files and computers were confiscated. Officials are checking them right now to see if there are any data lists of Hillary Clinton supporters, classic terrorist paraphernalia. When we contacted DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz for her view on this potential Fourth Amendment violation, she told us, “The FBI is doing a good job here. If just one child’s name can be saved from the leaking, it will all be worth it.”

Tonight during the debate, all microphones will remain off except for the moderators and Hillary Clinton, who has boldly chosen to put herself in harm’s way. Martin O’Malley begrudgingly agreed to having his mic shut off. “This is the new face of conflict and warfare in the twenty-first century. We must be able to work collaboratively with those who would fight this. I’m not a terrorist I assure you, but if shutting off my mic so that nobody can hear me during the debate protects us, I just have to go with it,” he said, as he began to practice making faces and waving his arms in gestures.

Hillary agreed. “That is not enough. We need to root-out the kind of radical jihadist ideology that motivates competition in debate forums and motivates people like Americans to support barbaric, ruthless, violent opposition. And I am a woman.”

ONE OF THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES SUES THE PARTY

Another candidate in the race has sued the Democratic Party. He was reportedly stealing and cheating, so Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party tried to turn off the internet to stop him. Since there was neither a fully-operational kill switch for the internet implemented yet nor the authority of citizen Hillary to perform such an act anyway, Hillary and the DNC were only able to turn off his ability to use data to raise funds for his campaign. The Hillary campaign issued a written statement. “Yes, we need to cut the funding to terrorist cells; and no, the terrorist did not previously warn us that there was a risk of data breach and Bin Ladin was not determined to strike in the United States.”

REPUBLICANS THREATEN TO BOYCOTT ABC FOR LIBERAL BIAS

Ted Cruz, speaking for a united Republican Party, warned ABC News that Republicans would boycott the network if a fair and balanced policy is not implemented before 8:00 PM tonight. Cruz, who is also running for president made the following demand:

We are demanding equal time on tonight’s debate. We are tired of ABC-TV favoring Democrats. This is the time for it to change. Equal time for Republicans at the Democrat debate, or we will boycott. How can you have such a one-sided debate? The liberal bias of the media is too much. It’s not fair. There must be at least one Republican on the stage, or the boycott starts immediately.

Advertisers threatened to join the boycott. A letter demanding equal time for Republicans at the Democratic Debate was signed by board members of companies including Georgia Pacific, Los Vegas Sands, Lockheed Martin, and Elliott Management Corporation. The letterhead featured the logo of Hewitt-Packard.