Oh. Taylor Swift. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. I love your unbridled enthusiasm 99.9% of the time. And a few lines of "Mean" all in the spirit of Fun while you spit a beat in the background sounds OK, in theory. But I'm only human, and when you beatboxed with LL Cool J at last night's Grammy nominee concert—specifically, when you began to do the "'gangsta hands"—I winced really hard. And now my face might be stuck this way, forever. [Fuse.tv]

Swiftie also said that she doesn't know how love works, even though she obviously does, which makes her... kind of a Wizard of Oz character or something? TAILS, YOU KNEW ALL ALONG. [Monsters and Critics]

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And, as it turns out, the Twitter account that everyone thought belonged to Eminem's daughter Hailie Mathers, who yesterday expressed her dismay that Taylor had gotten her gah-dam claws into Harry Styles, was an impostor Hailie Mathers. Put that kind of effort into your SCHOOLWORK, Fake Twitter Hailie Mathers, and you will go far. [Us Weekly]

Just like my mother always told me as she tucked me in when I was a little girl, the bad thing about being Martha Stewart is having to touch so many Thanksgiving turkeys that you get salmonella. She contracted the illness as a result of groping raw fowl over and over during her myriad holiday-themed appearances on morning shows. She was in bed for days. "It was terrible," she says, adding, "I lost some weight, though." Oh, then it was totes worth it! [Page Six]

An ornery Jack White has clarified something he said about Lady Gaga in an interview with Esquire ("I don't think she [Lady Gaga] lives it because it's all artifice. It's all image with no meaning behind it. You can't sink your teeth into it. It's a sound bite. It's very of this age, because that's what people want"):

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I'd like to address the recent tabloidesque drama baiting by the press in regards to Lady Gaga. I never said anything about her music, or questioned the authenticity of her songs in any way. I was in a conversation about the drawbacks of image for the sake of image, and that it is popular nowadays to not question an image in front of you, but only to label it as "cool" or "weird" quickly and dispose of it. I don't like my comments about Lady Gaga's presentation being changed into some sort of negative critique of her music... if you're going to try to cause drama, at least get the quotes right.

There's a character in Indonesian folklore called a suster ngesot (a "crawling nurse ghost"). Related: Yesterday Amanda Bynes she went to a club by herself in a "white midriff-baring shirt, a ton of makeup and super-long false eyelashes... She seemed sad and empty-eyed," said a source. "She kept looking around like she wanted someone to talk to her." The next day, Bynes haunted a Duane Reade with newly-dyed purple hair and smoked a "suspicious-looking cigarette" in the store. "And she had lipstick all over her face." [Page Six]

Krayzie Bone has avoided jail for a DUI by agreeing to take alcohol education classes. [TMZ]

The farm-fresh sweet baby corns of One Direction have turned down a US condom spokesman (spokesmen? spokesboys?) deal. [Daily Star UK]

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to know that a marriage between two Artists (e.g. her and Chris Martin is hard sometimes. [Us Weekly]

Jennifer Lopez knows that because after she broke up with Marc Anthony (or, in this headline, amusingly spelled "Antony") she stayed in bed for a little while. And it was extra hard since he was a Roman politician from 50 BC. [Entertainmentwise]

Johnny Depp is producing a Don Quixote remake for Disney. Yo, anyone remember Don Juan DeMarco? Does that movie actually exist or was it just a fever dream I had when I was sick one time? [Vulture]

There are some new Behind The Candelabra stills, if you are interested in Michael Douglas swathed in feathers. [Daily Mail]

Brandi Glanville maybe wins most creative insult competition: she calls her ex-husband Eddie Cibrian's wife Leann Rimes "angelfish" because she "sings like an angel and drinks like a fish." She also said that her son got sick from eating one of Rimes' laxatives. Keep it classy, ladies. [Daily Mail]