Friday, October 17, 2008

falling

I fall into a deep pit of grief. A blogger friend once wrote that this is where we are supposed to be right now, and not to worry. We are falling with the grace and love of God surrounding us.

I look up and see the stars of heaven above at me, filled with love, grace, peace and joy, but I am unable to reach them.

I think about my life over the last 80 days and I see myself struggling. I struggle to sleep at night. I struggle to stay awake during the day. I struggle to take care of my children, take care of my husband, and take care of myself. I pretend that I am okay...visiting with friends and laughing, but I am struggling.

I have been searching. Looking for something in my life that is missing. I read blog after blog hoping that I will find what I am longing for. Tonight I finally realized that what I am searching for is gone. My sweet boy is gone. My heart will forever miss him. I miss him more with each passing moment, with every breath that I take. I want him back so bad that I ache inside.

Tonight I listen to Timothy's music and I cry. I hear the song that my wonderful friends sang/played at his funeral and I cry. I remember feeling him on my chest as he took his first breath and as he took his last, and I lose myself in grief.

Hi Jennifer, I found your blog when I was reading comments on Angie Smith's blog. I am praying hard for you and all the other mother's who have lost a beautiful baby. I wish I could take your pain and carry it for you for a day....

Hi, my name is Jennie. I too am the mother of a trisomy 18 complete baby. Her name was Elaine. She was lovely as your Timothy was lovely.

I just wanted you to know-- I know=)--the days, the tears, the weeping, the grief, the loss, the depression, the pain.

It is a difficult journey. God has helped us through it all.

I am glad he gave her to us and I am glad she is in Heaven now--whole and happy.

My husband says, "She is not in the "sad" anymore. That is a good way to put it.

We miss her every day, every moment it seems.

She taught us to love each other deeply, that somethings in life aren't as really important as we think, that "together" is a beautiful word, that God is a very real God, that Heaven is a real place, that God is gracious and MERCIFUL even when it pains my heart.

This is Timothy's life. He is our precious son, our 4th child. Although he has Trisomy 18 and was not with us for very long, he is loved and cherished. We would like to dedicate his life to the Lord, for He has truly blessed our lives.

I love to recieve letters from blog readers like you. Please feel free to email me at>jcurrey519@gmail.com. Although it is difficut for me to respond to every email, I do enjoy reading them all.