Wednesday, May 31, 2006

For whose benefit?

Since Jesus is leaving His job and starting grad school, I figured I'd make the collapse of Western Civilization work in my favor for once and add Him as a domestic partner for insurance purposes here at the Beauty Palace. Lord knows I certainly disapprove of the nancies mocking the family unit by playing house while bleeding my insurance company dry with their constant facelifts and pec implants, but if what Jesus and I have had to endure is any indication of what hurdles they have to clear in order to qualify, it may be slightly less of a problem than I imagined -- though I still object, vociferously, on principal.

In order to establish a domestic partnership, we need to (1) be living together - check! (2) be unmarried, be in a committed relationship, be at least 18 years of age, and not be related by blood - check! (3) demonstrate financial interdependence and provide proof such as a joint checking account -- check! (4) have lived together for at least 12 months -- damn, not quite. It's only been seven months that we've been living together. Jesus remarked that if we had known each other for two weeks and then got married, instead of dating for over a year before moving in together, we would be in the clear with all this legal stuff. Radical homosexuals like to complain that present marriage laws are discriminatory, to which I respond: They sure are -- AGAINST JESUS!

I know what you're thinking: "Why not just get married, Nancy Beth? Not only would you get plenty of swell merchandise for your trouble, but you'd also be in the position to monitor anti-Christian bias in publications like Martha Stewart Weddings and Modern Bride." Believe me, I'm tempted, as I'd love nothing more than to spend a weekend protesting the bridal registries at Macy's and Crate & Barrel, but if only it were that simple. Since Jesus presently lacks a corporeal body, the county bureaucrats (fiercely Democratic, pro-union, and singularly unhelpful to the one) could do nothing for us other than stamp "DENIED" on the applications we submitted in triplicate, and then refer us to the green line, only to scold us for not waiting in the blue line. Marriage isn't presently in the cards for us, at least not as long as government bureaucracies remain under the tyrannical control of organized labor, and sadly, neither is domestic partnership, at least not as defined by my insurance company. Not to worry, though -- Jesus will continue His coverage under COBRA, and in October, once we've lived together long enough in a manner pleasing to my insurance company, I'll go ahead and add Him. Praise Him!