DalyDose of…In-Flight Mag

“There’s another magazine besides the one with the aquarium coffee table?” –JD

I flew Southwest earlier this week, across the country to Orlando for a conference. I didn’t get the coveted Boarding Group A Position 01 boarding pass like my friend Mara. Nope, I was herded in with the other cattle only to be reminded that Southwest is no frills. Of immediate importance to me was that this flight would have no movie. This allowed me to peruse the entire SkyMall magazine with all of its temptations including this cool pair of sunglasses with a video camera built in. I’m not sure how I’ve gone this long without those. I mean they shade your eyes, but could help you uncover the truth. That’s deep…deeper than my pockets so I didn’t get the things.

When I was done shopping, I didn’t know what to do, so I picked up that other magazine. You know the one, the “in-flight” magazine. I knew it existed on other airlines because that’s where I usually find out which movie is playing. I promise that will be the last time I mention that Southwest has no cinematic entertainment…I promise.

I was surprised to learn that I had so much…uh…to learn in that other magazine. What did I learn? Read on, my friends and get edified…

Lesson 1 – Why I’m Single

I’ve wondered before why I was single. Funny thing was that a magazine article prompted an earlier blog entry.

Now I know that it is more that the WOMEN are commitment phobic, not the men. Heck, it isn’t even close with 70% of women and 50% of men in a survey by Zoosk.com saying that they are single and loving it.

I think you ladies are the majority of the population as well.

Keep the Lazy Boy chair and sports themed décor fellas, the ladies like the single life. Take the savings not spent on engagement rings and get an even BIGGER TV and maybe put a kegerator right by that hideous, but super comfy chair.

Lesson 2 – Pounding Wine

When I watch those juicing commercials, I knew that it took a lot of fruit to get a glass of juice, but wine is especially greedy. It takes 2.8 pounds of grapes to make one bottle of wine.

I have questions. Are we getting all of those servings of fruit when we drink a bottle of wine in one sitting, in the dark corner of our lonely apartment until our tears are slightly red? Maybe I’ve said too much.

I said questions with an “s” for plural, so my second question is: How does Trader Joe’s sell Charles Shaw wine for $2?? I mean, 2.8 pounds of grapes, even on sale, costs more than that.

Lesson 3 – Executive Library Privileges

Our nation’s first elected leader was a established and respected man. He did however have two known cases of operating outside of expected behavior. We all know the story about the defenseless cherry tree. I am of the belief that this was the first instance of political “spin”. I still think it was a setup so he would have the opportunity to display his alleged ‘honesty’ by telling the truth about cutting down said cherry tree.

Now we have proof of another presidential offense. Did our 1st Commander In Chief get a little forgetful? It appears that he had rung up $300,000 in late fees at a rate of 5 pence per day until the staff at his former home at Mount Vernon replaces “The Law of Nations 221 years later. Hmmm…maybe this was another setup so that his staff could keep up his whole honesty thing as a legacy long after his death. Maybe I need to stop visiting all of those conspiracy sites.

Lesson 4 – Popcorn Butter

Buttered popcorn has been a staple at the movies since the dawn of time…or whenever movies started. I’m not gonna mention anything that I said that wouldn’t mention again except to point out the irony that the flight with no movies had an in-flight magazine with an article about popcorn butter. It’s as if they WANTED to show the movie.

Low and behold this was not just an article about melting butter to put on top of the popped kernels of goodness. This is actually a recipe for an enhanced butter experience. Let me explain.

Take 2 1/2 cups of popped popcorn and food process those suckers until they are the texture of coarse sand.

Put 1/2 pound of unsalted butter (softened) in a bowl of a mixer and blend with paddle attachment until it’s smooth and fluffy.

Add ground popcorn and 1 1/2 teaspoons of honey to the butter. Mix it well and salt to taste.

This butter concoction is supposedly great on bread, muffins and waffles. It was created by Nate Boer of Caseus Bistro in New Haven, CT (www.caseusnewhaven.com)

Lesson 5 – Peruvian Jewel

Get your mind out of the gutter! This is NOT a mail order bride marketing slogan…although, maybe it could be. Hmmm…

There is this bar manager name Ted Kilgore who works at a place called Taste by Niche in St. Louis. Anyway, Ted wanted to introduce his customers to a spirit called pisco. Pisco is a Peruvian spirit made from grapes.

Add crushed ice to fill the cup 3/4 of the way. Stir. Top off with ice. Garnish.

Simple syrup = boil together equal parts of water and sugar until dissolved.

Lesson 6 – Patriotic New Citizens

It seems with as many people in this country complaining about this country that no one would want to live here. Nothing is further from the truth and Southwest has a magazine full of heartwarming stories to prove it.

It turns out that not only are new citizens more grateful, they also know more about our country and it’s history than most of the born & raised variety.

The magazine lists 25 out of the 100 questions that comprise the test question pool that applicants must answer 6 out of 10 of. How would you do with the following sampling of questions:

The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution. What are these words.

What is one right of freedom from the 1st Amendment

What are two rights in the Declaration of Independence?

What is freedom of religion?

What is the “rule of law”?

What stops one brand of government from becoming too powerful?

If both the President and the Vice President can no longer serve, who becomes President?

What does the President’s cabinet do?

Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the federal government. What is one power of the federal government?

Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the states. What is one power of the states?

There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote. Describe one of them.

What is one responsibility that is only for U.S. citizens?

Name one right only for U.S. citizens.

What are two rights of everyone living in the United States?

What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy?

What is one reason colonists came to America?

Who lived in America before the Europeans arrived?

What group of people was taken to American and sold as slaves?

Why did the colonists fight the British?

Name one problem that led to the Civil War.

What was one important thing that Abraham Lincoln did?

What did Susan B. Anthony do?

During the Cold War, what was the main concern of the United States?

What movement tried to end racial discrimination?

What did Martin Luther King Jr. do?

OK, I just retyped all 25 that were listed in the magazine article. Do I have too much time on my hands? Maybe, but I think it is impressive what people have to do to become citizens in this country. I’d almost advocate that born and raised Americans should have to take the test before being allowed to vote or run for office.

I hope you learned as much as I did from that “other magazine”. It was a good read, but really, I’d rather watch a…. Phew, that was close but I caught it in time.