Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Light Switch

I am funny.

And not like oh, yeah ha she makes me giggle. I am hilarious. It is one of those undeniable things about me. I laugh way too loud. I always buy drinks. I pick up at all hours of the night. I always know what to say. I make friends everywhere I go. I cook too much food and invite people over to eat it. I know a bar and/or strip club you should go to in just about every major city in this country.

But I wonder sometimes, more often as of late, if I have completely surrounded myself with people who know how to deal with me when I am not those things.

When I am not on. When I am not charming and witty and funny. When I am not mixing to strong drinks or doing pretty makeup or taking pictures or playing wing man. When I am not hitting my dougie to ignorant southern music or doling out sex advice.

I wonder if people know how to comfort me as I do them. If they know what to say to me when I am blue or despondent.

And if they don’t, if it is they are incapable or uninterested in doing so, or if I have not appropriately articulated my needs in that regard.

7 comments:

the way you write this is sounds a little but like you're wondering aloud if all of your hilarious-ity is a cover for something else, like a shield (does that make sense?)

I think a lot of times when you're "the fun one" or the funny one it's assumed everything's cool or that there are no moments of difference, no sadness, worries, or insecurities underneath.

Which of course isn't always the case.

Connecting on that deeper level is sometimes a tricky thing. It's not like telling a joke that you think might offend someone or something like that -- the risk is very different when you let somebody in, because they often see where the smiles and laughter come from -- and what so frequently they're covering up.

Lemme tell you somn I cannot MUFUCKIN STAND... the way you INSIST on speaking to my life. Dammit, La. JUST DAMMIT!

I have so many people around me. So many folks wanting my attention and wanting to be able to say they know me and all this shit...

But man, when it's down. When I'm off. When I'm having a bad day, or moment, or week... there's only the same 2-3 people around. THAT in and of itself, is SO depressing (as you say). It makes the bad whatever that much worse. Like how hard is it to flip that for me? Take the things I do for you and do them for me. That's easy, right?

@Hex this is one of the best comments I have ever gotten on this blog. I think that I am naturally a storyteller, and fairly organically funny, but I am honest about the fact that I think I noticed very early on that those natural talents were a great way of keeping people at arm's length, or at least further away from lies beneath

@A. Smith LMMFAO @ it's so hard being awesome. lol I definitely have a handful of good friends that will roll with me thru good and bad. And I cherish them. But it really is interesting to see how many people get missing when I am not "on" like usual. Or, even worse, who demand I "get over it" or "stop being depressing" at time's most convenient to them.

I am so loving being able to access blogs from work. makes me just want to yell...weeeeeeeee!!

But enough about me...I always get the feeling that you are always just on top of shit and rarely let things get to you. I think, seeing you at a point where you are really down and really NEED/CRAVE someone for emotional support would probably scare your friends.

Why? Because it's probably rare. Not rare that you need the support, but probably rare that you let people see that you do. Am I making sense?

You're like my BFFIDK, I thought this thought almost verbatim about 2 years ago. In any case, the conclusion I came to was...people can only accept what you offer. I found I had no one to really REALLY talk to because I never really REALLY opened myself up to be heard. Read: Major trust issues. I'm not saying the same is true for you, I'm just saying think about your part in the disconnect, and if you want it to be different then do something different. But all are parts of you. Everyone needs a friend that knows a good bar, can talk you through sexcapades and make you laugh.

@Jaz LMFAO at your excitement about being able to read from work. This makes alot of sense. And I think it is rather valid. Which is why I question if there is something I can do differently. But also, just like it is rare for me to be off my game and need help, it's just as shocking to me as it is to them! lol

@Jess I can be honest enough to say I have trust issues. But I think a larger part of my problem is that I instinctively know how to care for people and expect them to know what to say/do for me without my articulating what I need, and that's just not fair.

It's a given that I am the giver in every friendship. Well, not male/female relationships but that's a diff topic.I am rarely comforted. I am not even sure if "they" know I have issues too. When I do happen to make mention, I'm inevitably hit with, "I always thought you had it all figured it. No worries." Now I ask, who the hello has no dang worries?!

La, Limned

Georgia born and Howard bred. Equal parts Mary and Jezebel. Fluent in Shakespeare and T.I. Best friend of Mark, Jack, and the good Captain, Morgan. Writer who has written no books. Believer in karma and karma sutra.