There are so many complex issues that cause tension in the Middle East. There are intractable religious, political and philosophical differences at play, and of course the eternal dispute of who exactly invented the falafel.

But no problem is unsolvable. Not when delightful 80s cartoon icons THE CARE BEARS are on the case.

The Care Bears (L), being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

In the spirit of remaining committed to the idea of offering up potential foreign policy fixes – based largely on inadequate research, internet skimmings, lessons learned from Operation Dumbo Drop, and cartoons – we humbly offer this Care Bearpath to peace in the Middle East.

12. Ease tensions through inter-community “Care Bear Countdowns.”

11. Acts of forgiveness, reconciliation and compromise to be rewarded with cash prizes, hugs, and Grams Bear’s famous oven fresh care cookies.

8. Netanyahu and Abbas to perform a musical number together about sharing, under the stern but capable direction of Grumpy Bear.

7. Flood the region with regular rainbow assaults.

6. In conjunction with the NSA, build a ‘Non-Caring Person’ database/watch list of those exhibiting uncaring tendencies; monitor them closely, and eventually persuade them to care again through a barrage of uplifting positivity and self-affirming encouragement.

5. Everyone gets a Cloud Car to ride around in.

4. Repeat offenders and unrepentant non-sharers will be paid a visit by Braveheart Lion.

3. Those who display a callous attitude or are mean will be immediately sent to the Care-a-Lot Rehabilitation Facility for an indefinite period of time.

2. The age-old sowers of discord Professor Coldheart, Beastly and Shreeky must be neutralized once and for all.

1. Oopsy Bear will be given some sort of mundane, ancillary task to avoid screwing this whole thing up.

With the election safely behind us, let us now get back to the important things in life… like talking about lower-tier Muppets. Please welcome back our resident 80s expert Mr. Paul Washington and join him in showing some love for an under-appreciated icon.

By: Paul Washington

Today, we’re going to shine the spotlight on one of the great sidekicks of all time, Fozzie Bear. For nearly 40 years, this struggling ursine stand-up comedian has faithfully stood in the shadow of his famous best friend, Kermit the Frog.

A frog and a bear: nature’s best friends.

Fozzie spent his pre-school days under the watchful eye of Nanny, having nursery room adventures with the aforementioned Kermit, as well as Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Animal, Bunsen and Beeker, and the twins, Skeeter and Scooter. Even at that early age, his penchant for stand-up was evident. It was also then that he honed his patented “Wocka Wocka Wocka!”after telling a bad joke.

Fozzie (here, a cartoon baby) was an early standard bearer for the letter F and a pioneer in promoting its virtues even before this blog took up that mantle.

Look, I’m not even going to make a joke here. Yes, there’s a He-Man character with an over-sized metal right hand named Fisto… and he’s heard them all.

“Middle School was the most difficult time of my life.” — Fisto

For those of you in the 25-and-under age range, “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” was a cartoon created in the early 1980s exclusively to sell action figures. (Think “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” without the compelling backstory.)

Most of the characters in the series were villains who spent much of their time devising schemes to destroy the series’ titular hero, He-Man. Fisto was an outlier in that he was one of the few “good guy” characters who fought alongside He-Man.

Here’s a shot of Fisto and He-Man bro-ing out. Remember, this was back in the mid-80s, when it was perfectly acceptable for children to look up to He-Man, a shirtless man with a mom haircut.

Fisto’s gigantic right fist came in handy for smashing rocks and for general intimidation purposes; though it couldn’t have been good for his shoulder and elbow joints. He also sported a manly reddish-brown beard that paired well with his slicked-back coiffure. What he lacked in ability to pass through airport metal detectors, he made up for in rugged handsomeness.Continue reading →