When all around you are assholes, you are under no obligation to become one.

‘Tis the Season to be Listy

‘Tis the season talking heads begin to summarize the ten best and ten worst whatevahs of the preceding year. Between now and the end of 2010 and into 2011, we’ll be bombarded with erudite analyses of events and personalities such as The Ten Most Provocative Celebrities of the Year, the Ten Dumbest Politicians of the Year, and the Ten Sexiest Republican Senators. This latter list may well consist of nothing more than a period of silence as a talking head scratches his or her scalp and looks at a blank teleprompter.

I’m not a talking head but I’ve decided to join their ranks and provide Real Americans with my first top ten list of the season. It’s a statistically generated compilation of the top ten lists that thinking men and women are really interested in.

1. Top Ten Television Programs American Hate but Can’t Stop Watching

2. Top Ten Traffic Congestion Points in Goldfield, Nevada

3. Top Ten Celebrities Whose Names Escape Me

4. Top Ten Shapeliest Legs on Dancing with the Stars

5. Top Ten People We Want to See Exiled to Wasilla, Alaska

6. Top Ten Country Songs That Don’t Make Us Want to Get Drunk and Cry

7. Top Ten Brands of Super Glue You Would Use to Seal Gavin Newsom’s Lips

8. Top Ten Tanning Spas to Deepen John Boehner’s Orange Tan

9. Top Ten Individuals You Would Not Select for Your Staff if you Became Interim Mayor of San Francisco