As much as the world needs Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer, it also needs a cold dose of John McClane. There's a scene in Die Hard where Hans and his buddies in Nakatomi Plaza need the power cut in order to break through the last lock on the safe that contains upwards of $600 Million in loot. One of the reasons that they posed as terrorists instead of high profile robbers was to ensure FBI involvement. The following takes place as Theo is working on drilling the physical locks and warns Hans about the impossibility of the last lock:

Theo: And you better be right because this one's going to take a miracle.

Hans: It's Christmas, Theo, it's the time of miracles. So be a good cheer and call me when you hit the last lock.

…
Theo: You better heat up that miracle you were talking about. We broke through on Number Six, and the Electromagentic came down like a sledgehammer…

Hans: Well have a look at what our friends outside are doing and I'll be right up.

…

Theo: There's the city engineers…they're going into the street circuits. But who are those other guys?

Hans: That's the FBI…ordering them to cut the building's power. They're as regular as clockwork…

Theo: or a time lock!

Hans: The circuits that cannot be cut locally are cut automatically in response to a terrorist incident. You ask for miracles Theo, I give you the FBI

…

McClane: Powell, What's going on?

Powell: Ask the FBI. They've got the terrorist playbook and they're running it step by step.

Well, the real terrorists also have a playbook for when they get caught and they are also running it step by step. Remember those guys that were picked up in Canada last week for wanting to express their dismay with the current administration planning to blow up several federal buildings and behead the God damn prime minister? Well, let's consult the playbook:

Step 1) Instead of worrying about what people are doing in your name and religion, immediately downplay everything and actually complain about a backlash that isn't actually happening against innocent Muslims, making Muslims the "true" victims here.

Step 2) Immediately make accusations of torture while being detained, so we know that the innocent Muslims accidently caught up in the government's implicitly rascist manhunt for an artificial boogeyman are the victims and the government is the evil, preening threat to humanity. From today's Toronto Star…Check!!!!

"Tiny solitary cells under constant illumination, a mere 20 minutes of fresh air daily, and beatings at the hands of guards are indicative of the "torture" endured by some of the 17 people accused of plotting terrorist attacks in Canada, lawyers for the group said Monday.

The allegations of "cruel and unusual punishment" came as the court imposed a blanket publication ban on the legal proceedings, preventing the public from learning of any further evidence in a case of stunning allegations that has captured headlines around the world. The treatment of the suspects, accused of plotting a number of terrorist strikes in Ontario that allegedly included bombings and taking senior politicians hostage, "constitutes torture," lawyer Rocco Galati said outside the court."

There are a few more steps I won't bother with now for brevity's sake, and this would be funny if it weren't so damn sad and predictable. Of course, none of this crap would work if the world weren't filled with people who lap this shit up.

Well, that’s not quite what he said, but what are we to make of his statement regarding the rioting in Gaza over freakin’ cartoons (for initial coverage of the cartoons, go here):

[he] condemned the caricatures, saying they “provoke all Muslims everywhere in the world.” He asked gunmen not to attack foreigners, “but we warn that emotions may flare in this very sensitive issues.”

Sure I could ask the GUNMEN not to attack innocent people whose only fault is they happen to have the same nationality as a the guy who made these comics, but you see, we have these pesky things called emotions, and these “emotions” may flare, and when they flare we cannot control ourselves and are forced to do things like make death threats and threaten kidnappings. Hey don’t get mad at me – it’s in the Koran!!

Yes, yes, I know, Pat Robertson. He sucks too. But for every Pat Robertson’s we have at least a hundred practitioners of the Religion of PeaceTM who see a tragedy that befalls a people and say that it was God’s punishment for being an infidel, Jew, etc. etc. Exactly. Now you know what I am talking about. Anywho, what can one say about this:

Muslim pilgrims tripped over luggage while hurrying to ritually stone the devil Thursday, causing a crush that trampled at least 345 people to death in the latest stampede to mar Islam’s annual hajj.

Saudi authorities have sought for years to ease the flow of increasingly mammoth crowds, but the tragedy underlined the difficulty in managing one of the biggest religious events in the world, which this time drew more than 2.5 million pilgrims.

The deaths on the final day of stoning came a week after another hajj disaster – the Jan. 5 collapse of a building being used as a pilgrims’ hotel that killed 76 people in Mecca.

In the stoning ritual, all the pilgrims must pass a series of three “pillars” called al-Jamarat, which represent the devil and which the faithful pelt with stones to purge themselves of sin.

So guys, and by guys I mean crazy Muslims, is Allah punishing you or is this one of those “you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet” type situations?

By the way, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened either, nor is it anywhere near the worst in terms of fatalities:

The site in the desert of Mina outside the holy city of Mecca is a notorious bottleneck in the weeklong pilgrimage and has seen deadly incidents in seven of the past 17 years, including a stampede in 1990 that killed 1,426 people and one in 2004 that killed 244.

You’d think by now people would be pretty hip to that stampede thing and not let it happen again, but we’re talking about a lot of folks who want the heads of their women covered because “scientific research had shown that women’s hair emitted rays that drove men insane” (1981, Abol-Hassan Bani-Sadr, the first president of the Islamic Republic). That’s right, not exactly a bunch of Rhode Scholars here.

In some ways, I’m a little jealous that I don’t practice a peaceful religion that includes a STONING RITUAL, but I get by, one day at a time.