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Monday, December 3, 2012

"If You're Not Wasted, The Day Is" Tour diarrhea part II: The Wrath of Khan

11/7
Salt Lake City, UT

I
woke up that morning in a Target parking lot, dragged my ass out of
the van and got some snacks from the store. One thing I've really
worked on for this tour has been changing my diet. As you can
probably guess, we don't live the healthiest of lifestyles. Between
binge drinking, unpredictable sleeping / hygiene opportunities, crazy
weather / altitude changes, and everything else, it's pretty tough
to stay healthy on tour. Dr. Philthy had been pulling marathon drives
for most of the tour with a constant stuffy nose, and we are
constantly sore and tired. Not to whine, but just to kind of give you
an idea of what goes on. For me personally, I've always had a lot of
digestion problems and have been bemoaning my inability to fit into
my original Sodom “Obsessed By Cruelty” shirt for some time now,
so I decided to change my diet. Hey, it's way easier than not
drinking. I've been eating about 85% vegetarian on this tour, vegan
when I can. Meat only when it's really good / unusual or I'm
incredibly hungover. It's been working. I've had less intense
hangovers, fewer digestive issues and have been generally been
feeling better. Furthermore Barney from Napalm, who is vegan, turned
me onto an app called Happy Cow that helps you find vegan / veggie
food anywhere on the planet. Pretty badass. Anyway, I digress. The
point is that my breakfast was an apple and one of those Kind bars.
Those things are awesome. We headed into town after trying to figure
out how to mount the two motorized spinning saw blades we picked up
in Vermont and picking up our erstwhile merch guy / tour manager
Kevin Stewart-Panko from the airport. Tonight's show was with
Skeletonwitch, Havok and Mutilation Rites, so we were stoked. The
turnout was pretty good for SLC, but as we were playing, we quickly
realized that it was not a Death Metal kind of crowd at all. Both us
and Mutilation Rites seemed to generate more confusion than
excitement amongst the audience. Luckily, we were able to avoid the
watered down Mormon beer and have a good time hanging out with our
friends in Havok and Skeletonwitch, as well as get to know the
Mutilation Rites dudes as well. We stayed at a house in town and
things got pretty ridiculous. The 48 beers we bought from the store
were slain pretty quickly, as well as some Evan Williams and some
other stuff that I can't exactly remember at the moment. We headed to
the van bleary-eyed that morning and found ourselves in a winter
wonderland. To many of you guys reading, that may not be interesting
at all, but to a bunch of California dudes, there's a definite
novelty factor there.

Salt Lake City Snow Action.

11/8
Boise, ID

Every
tour has that one show that you expect to be underwhelmed by and
you're right. That was Boise. The show we did there a while back with
Goatwhore was very middling, but fun, and we knew that tonight would
not be a night of rock 'n roll triumph. We did however have a good
time playing for the handful of people that made it out, and they
were clearly stoked on the show. We didn't stick around for too long
as the ride to Seattle might be fraught with snow as well, and being
from California, we try to avoid driving in snow as much as we can.
The drive proved to be a bit nerve-wracking and very fucking cold,
but manageable.

11/9
Seattle, WA

This
show was a combined show, pairing Municipal Waste, Napalm Death, and
ourselves with the Gwar / Devildriver / Cancer Bats tour, which meant
an early load-in, but our intrepid pilot, Dr. Philthy not only made
it with time to spare but also found time to visit the town where one
of his favorite TV shows, “Northern Exposure” was filmed. Of
course, the rest of slept through all that completely. Seeing the
Gwar stage setup was pretty amazing and inspiring. There is a lot
of production that goes into a show that elaborate, and it was neat
to see the behind-the-scenes. As much as we try to provide
entertainment along with the music (?) we play, it's not even in the
same universe as what those guys do night after night. Seattle is
always fun and a good show, and this one was no exception. We went on
right before Cancer Bats and had the rest of the night to get into
trouble. We hung out with our agent, Dan Rozenblum and his charming
wife, as well as some friends from Skarp and Scotty from Tank Crimes
Records who joined the tour for the West Coast dates. After a certain
point, I lost large chunks of what happened. I know we went to a bar
across the street where a bunch of Husky fans were partying after the
game. Rob passed out on the floor of the bar, which did not go over
well with the bouncers. The bouncers' displeasure did not go over
well with Mike Hamilton, but luckily for all, a confrontation was
narrowly avoided. We left the bar, and then went on Napalm's bus for
a drink or two... I'm sure there was more retardation throughout the
night but I'm at a loss as to the details. Rob and Bud hung out with
the Gwar guys a bit, which I'm sure was cool. I passed out at some
point, which is probably best for everyone.

Gwar Props in Seattle. Sorry, my new phone's camera has no flash.

November
11, Portland OR

I
always like to do the West Coast from South to North, because the
party in Seattle is always a corker. Usually if you route your tour
that way, you'll have a day off between Seattle and Denver or
wherever you're going to recuperate. This tour was routed North to
South (which is how it's been the last two times we've been around
those parts) so that usually means Portland gets the hangover
show. This one wasn't too bad though. Plus, I finally got to see
Wehrmacht, a band I've listened to for years and years. They sounded
great and gave me a huge shot of energy for our set, which went down
really well. We got to hang out with the Relapse crew and some old
friends, so that made the night awesome. Matt Jacobson, founder of
Relapse, now owns a couple of kick ass pizza parlors in PDX called
Sizzle Pie and he brought a few pies to the show which were delicious
as always. We hopped in the van to prepare for the long and
potentially treacherous drive to Oakland the next day.

Hamilton makes a friend on the drive from PDX to Oaktown.

November
12, Oakland, CA

I
love playing in the Bay Area. Even though I haven't lived there in a
few years, it will always be my hometown. I was especially proud that
the biggest turnout of the entire tour was in Oakland – over 940
people came out on a Monday night – and that's not counting the
100+ guests of the tour package. The line was around two blocks, and
the Metro was a bit understaffed to handle it, which resulted in our
friends in Impaled playing to not nearly as many people as they
should have been. Attitude Adjustment was awesome, another band I've
been waiting years to see, and then it was our turn. I have to admit
to a certain amount of satisfaction in saying “We're Exhumed from
fucking San Jose” and people actually know where that is and cheer.
The set went over great, and kids were stagediving all over the
place. For the closer, “The Matter of Splatter” which we segued
into our cover of Siege's “Drop Dead” I ended up getting hit in
the face by the microphone, which actually split my lip. I have a
history of trying to be too rock 'n roll about things and it not
having good results. I used to have really straight teeth until I
decided to not take my wisdom teeth out, for example, now my bottom
teeth look like a British person's. This time I figured I should
really spring for a trip to the hospital.

I got in the car with our
original second guitar player, Derrel Houdashelt and headed to the
Alamdea Hospital where I eventually got 7 stitches in my face. It was
not really all that fun, but at least I won't be getting any uglier.
Needless to say with the hospital action, I missed the rest of the
show, but I'm sure it was amazing. Luckily, Eli's Mile High club was
hospitable enough to let us all after-party there, where we drank
well past closing time with a bunch of familiar faces. Needing to
drink with a straw was a great excuse to keep ordering Johnnie Walker
on the rocks, and having my face busted up was a great incentive for
people to buy me drinks. Talk about silver lining! We headed for
Southern California sauced and happy, looking forward to seeing more
old friends for shenanigans and stupidity.

Check out my rad face.

November
13, Santa Ana, CA

We
drove straight past LA and on to Orange County for a show with my
favorite Death / Grind band ever, Repulsion. As if a bill with
Municipal Waste and Napalm Death wasn't awesome enough. Despite my
swollen mouth, spirits were high when I woke up in Burbank. We
finished the rest of the drive and compiled our extensive guest list
at the Observatory. It was awesome to see Gordon Conrad (MW's
manager, and former VP of operations at Relapse for like, ever),
especially since he's such a salty east coast dude and so out of his
element out west. He seemed more relaxed than I've seen him in years
which was nice. I hung out for most of the night with Col and Marissa
from Repulsion as well as some of the Gravehill dudes, our old
drummer Danny Walker, and tons of others. I didn't even see all the
people we had on the guest list – it was a pretty crazy night. We
grabbed some beer and crashed at Col and Marissa's hotel – thanks
by the way! The drive from Santa Ana to LA was very brief and easy
the following day so we proceeded to get plowed and obnoxious. As
usual.

Like
I said, we had plenty of time to kill before the show. We headed to
Amoeba, and I finally got some records I'd been dying to get- new
stuff from Stars, Guided By Voices, Hammock, and The X-X. Sorry,
that's about as non-metal as it gets, but that's mostly what I listen
to. Anyway... after some record shopping, we had lunch and headed
down the strip to the House Of Blues. Between Summer Slaughter and
Death To All, this was my third time that year in that venue, and I
still keep getting lost. At least the decent food served at HOB
offsets the overpriced drinks, totally contrived atmosphere and
cheeseball LA-ness of the place. That and the kids being awesome. My
amp had been continually giving me problems for a couple of weeks,
and my old friend Leon del Muerte was kind enough to loan me his
backup amp for the rest of the tour, a solid state Line 6 which
doesn't have the greatest tone in the world, but is incredibly
durable and dependable. That was a big relief. The show was killer
and we were surrounded by old friends. Another friend, Joel from
Toxic Holocaust hopped on the Municipal Waste bus in LA for a few
days of the tour. It was good to get to see him again and hang out a
bit. Once again, our intrepid agent Dan Rozenblum was there and we
decided to crash his posh hotel at the Beverly Hilton, drink his
minibar, and be total dicks until about 7am. We had the next day off,
so what the heck?

Dave Witte and Chris Dodge outside House Of Blues in Hollywood. Totally rad!

November
15, Day Off

The
Municipal Waste dudes had talked to us about heading to a Jimmy
Kimmel taping with them on our day off, and we figured it would be
fun. We were all still pretty hungover by the time we got to the
studio (right across from Mann's Chinese Theater) in Hollywood, but
once Mel Brooks, that night's guest came out, I was beyond fucking
pumped! The guy that created Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles,
Spaceballs, and High Anxiety – right there in the same studio! He
was funny, charming, engaging and sharp as a tack despite being 86
years old. After the show, we grabbed food and drinks at Hooters and
I remembered why I never ever eat there and want to resume doing
that. Despite that, it was a good fucking time. Then we all cabbed it
over to the Comedy Store for some stand-up. We were repeatedly called
out by the comedians – one dude called our group “Biker Rapists
On Vacation” which is an excellent movie title that I've already
copyrighted. I'll keep you posted on the script. Anyway, we topped it
off with a couple of drinks at the Rainbow and grabbed a cab back to
the van to head to Phoenix.

November
16, Tempe AZ

We
arrived at Ryan Butler's home in the morning, and it felt like as
close as we would get to being home for quite some time. After
recording “Necrocracy” there, I've spent more time at his place
in the last few months than I have at my own house. We took some
quick showers and power naps and then headed to Tempe (basically a
district in Phoenix) for what would turn out to be one of the
strongest shows of the tour. Arizona is hit and miss for us it seems,
but this night was definitely a hit. We played to a packed house of
manic stage-divers, got shitfaced with a ton of friends, and I didn't
eat anyone's hat. Joel Grind joined the Muniwaste dudes for a
rendition of “Nuke the Cross” which was a cool little rare treat.
All in all, an excellent night. We were pretty smashed when we got
ready to leave, having taken numerous shots and whatever else, at one
point Rob, Mike and I were all in the urinal, and Rob decided to turn
his “sprinkler” on us and chase us while peeing. Classy. We were
going to steal a few hours of sleep at Butler's, but Mike got too
drunk and couldn't remember where the key was stashed, so we ended up
passed out in front of his house for a couple hours before heading
off to El Paso.

Drawing on Drum Heads - it's what I do in my spare time.

November
17, El Paso, TX

El
Paso is always a cool place to play, and the House of Rock is a cool
venue. They always treat us well and have pretty good sound, so I was
stoked for the show. The turnout was solid and kids were definitely
psyched, which makes our job pretty easy. As usual, after the show
was over, the bar accommodated the bands and we got loaded, doing
shots and whatever else people were handing us. Good stuff.

November
18, Ft. Worth, TX

I
swear we've only had two really good shows in the Dallas / Ft. Worth
area throughout our entire touring history, and those were with
Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse, respectively. Anyway, the show was
okay, but again, for whatever reason, we've never really had a big
fanbase in Dallas. We managed to have a good time anyway, there was
plenty of beer upstairs and some random people to fuck with, so all's
well that end's well. I passed out relatively early that night, and
when the other guys got in the van, we noticed that Bud's face was a
bit messed up. Somewhere, somehow he fell flat on his face. When I
asked him what happened, he simply replied “I don't know, I just
woke up and my pillow was all bloody”. Another day in the life.

November19, Day off

We
pretty much drove all day, stopped for a late lunch in Little Rock
and then watched the Niner game on Monday Night Football at TGI
Fridays. Again, I was reminded why I only order appetizers there.

Dr. Philthy proves that home is where you find it on tour. Rest area somewhere between Texas and Tennessee.

In
the interest of everyone's attention span, I'll pick up in Nashville
in the next couple of days. Thanks for reading and bleeding with us.
Cheers!