The Lord thy God is one fucked-up motherfucker

By Samuel L. Jackson

The thing about God — He’s like the fucked up friend you go to a bar with. Sits there all night whining about how none of the hot young chicks dig on him. Then he goes all Sodom and Gomorrah on the weakest asshole in the place, beating the shit out of the poor motherfucker like it’s gonna scare some bitches into giving him some late-night loving.

I ain’t saying I don’t kiss God’s ass every chance I get, but I don’t go around pretending He’s sane, neither. Take that Garden of Eden bullshit, where He creates the heavens and the earth and says, “Fuck this. I’m making me a dumb motherfucker who can sit on his ass and appreciate what I just did.”

Then He makes the asshole a bitch. Tells them both not to eat off some damn tree. Of course he didn’t give them no sense of right and wrong so what the fuck do they know? They eat off that motherfucker right off the bat, and God goes Joan Crawford on them, telling them to get their naked, sinful asses out of his motherfucking Garden. Of course, the sane fucking thing to do would be to not put the tree in the Garden in the first got-damn place…

And don’t give me that “free will” bullshit, because a choice between absolute obedience and eternal damnation in Hell ain’t no motherfucking choice. So yeah, that’s what I been thinking about lately. The subject came up while I was preparing for my role as a nanny in an upcoming movie. Taking a part like that will make you question all sorts of shit.