134 unmasked itselE It will have bankrupted itself" How deep does anti-Semitism go in the population? I am carrying a heavy tea chest. An Aryan worker to me: "You shouldn't be doing that, let me!" "It's really all right; I'm not that shaky yet." "Come on, give it to me, you don't h " get enoug meat. JUNE 22ND: The Hirschels and the KaWenbergs were taken to Theresien- stadt yesterda 1944 JANUARY 23RD: At last a letter from Sussmann. The first since October. One of his daughters has married an Ameri- can bookkeeper. Georg is still alive. All his sons have children-those in the U.S.A. all with American wives. I' thought about our family's fate and the fate of our blood. Father came from the Prague ghetto. His sons were important men in Germany. His grandsons are in England, America, and Sweden. His great-grandsons have Swedish and American blood and will know nothing about him. APRIL 8TH: Conversation with Stüh- ler, Sr., about my diaries: "I shall bear . " WItness. "The things you write down, every- body knows; and the big things, Kiev, Minsk, etc., you don't know anything b " a out. "It's not the big things that are im- portant, but the everyday life of tyrann)) which gets forgotten. A thousand mos- quito bites are worse than a blow to the head. I observe, note down the mos- quito bites." StüWer, a little later: "I once read that fear of something is worse than the event itself How I dreaded the house search. And when the Gestapo came I was quite cold and defiant. And how our food tasted afterward! All the good things, which we had hidden and which they had not found." "You see, I'm going to note that down!" MAy 6TH: Yesterday a death sentence: a muscle in my left eye is paralyzed. How much work will I manage with one eye? Diabetes probably the cause-hence the terrible thirst recently. Circumstances: my first stroke, a very minor one, but a stroke nevertheless. What will the sec- ond stroke make of me? A heap of im- becility in a shitty bed like Grete, like Father? Shall I disgust Eva and be a burden to her? But I do not have any Veronal, I have no courage, and I must try to survive the Third Reich, so that Evàs widow's pension is assured. JUNE 6TH: Eva brought the news that the invasion has begun tonight (from the fifth to the sixth of June) near Cher- bourg. Eva was very excited; her knees were trembling. I myself remained quite cold; I am no longer or not yet able to hope. AUGUST 20TH: On the way home Wer- ner Lang told me that a soldier had ad- dressed him on the platform of the tram: "You're still here. Why is that?" (without any aggression in his voice). "Because I am in a mixed marriage." "Well, that's decent; but I've seen such awful things in Poland, such awful things! They will have to be paid for!" This very loudly, while other people were listening. The man was risking his head. SEPTEMBER 1ST: Five whole years of war! I do not believe I have ever noted this: at every door of the apartment, fixed at an angle and at eye level, there is a mezuzah. Lewinsky says the rabbi lived here. Recently he opened one of the little rolls and showed us the splen- did, regular, but minute handwritten verses from the Bible. 1945 FEBRUARY 9TH: Yesterday, Frau Stüh- ler divulged a curious fact: Order re- layed to Aryan houses not to gIve beg- ging soldiers bread, still less a bed, and to chase away any who were persistent. (Schwarz said that in Dresden alone pa- trols were said to have arrested about seven hundred deserters.) FEBRUARY 13TH: Yesterday afternoon N eumark had me called over to the Jewish Community; I had to help him deliver letters this morning. ] was quite unsuspecting. Then he told me what they were: all those capable of working were being evacuated. I remain here. THE NEW YORKER, APRIL 27 & MAY 4, 1998 "So the end is more likely for me," I said. "On the contrary, staying here is a privilege. " ] went upstairs to the Eisenmanns, the whole family assembled-extremely upset. Waldmann developed the black- est assumptions with great certainty: "Those of us who remain behind, we have perhaps a week, no more. Then we'll be fetched from our beds at six o'clock in the morning. And we'll end up just like the others. You'll see." FEBRUARY 22ND-24TH: We sat down for coffee at about half past nine on Tuesday evening, February 13th, very tired and depressed. I had spent the day running around, bringing bad news. Then came full-scale warning. Soon we heard the humming of squadrons ap- proaching, ever deeper, ever louder. The light went out, and there was an explo- sion nearb . . . Then nothing-a pause. We caught our breath and knelt with our heads down between the chairs. Then there was the sound of aircraft approaching again-deadly danger- and another explosion. I don't know how many times this happened. More explosions, but none in the courtyard. Then it became quiet, and then came the all-clear. A terrible strong wind was blowing. We placed a candle on the table, drank a little cold coffee and ate a little. We then groped our way over the broken glass and lay down in bed. It was after midnight. I thought, Just sleep, we're alive, now we'll have peace and quiet! Mter a while-it must have been after one o'clock-Eva said, "Air-raid warning." We hurried downstairs. Eva was two steps ahead of me. Suddenly there was a big explosion nearby. I knelt, pressing myself against the wall close to the courtyard door. When I looked around, Eva had disappeared. I ran across the yard to the Jews' cel- lar. The door was wide open. A group of people cowered, whimpering, to the right of the door; I knelt by the win- dow. I called out to Eva. Several times. No repl Then there was an explosion right in front of the window close to me. Something hard and glowing-hot struck the right side of my face. I put my hand up and it was covered with blood. I felt for my eye; it was still there. A group of Russians-where had they come from?-were pushing to get out. I