Spencer Pratt: ‘I’m Infantile’

With the sex tape sale being exposed for the headline-grabbing scam everyone knew it was before the words even made it past his douchebeard, Spencer Pratt is playing the last publicity card in his deck, not counting the Jack of Coming out of the Closet. This time around he’s sent an open apology to Heidi Montag to any media outlet who will read it like the goddamn suckers we are. (Seriously, nobody look at me. I don’t want you to see me like this.) Via People:

Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved. Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly.
“I horribly embarrassed the one person that meant the world to me. For my outrageous and infantile behavior, I offer Heidi my most sincere apologies.
“Over the years, her love, support, and friendship were always given, but never properly cherished. I let her down. She never deserved the pain and anguish I put her through, and although I don’t expect it, I hope in time she’ll be able to forgive me.
“Even though our relationship has changed, I will always count her among my best friends.”

Somewhere Heidi Montag sits in front of a monitor, tears streaming down her face. He’s speaking directly to her through the secret, and most intimate language of their hearts: A shameless publicity stunt! “Oh, sweet Spencer, if only you could penetrate me. Just once. Then we’d be on TMZ together until my batteries take their last, dying charge.” *sobs into chest pillows*