An ongoing journey through substance abuse and eating disorders.

Category: Bipolar

I went to two Refuge Recovery meetings today. I got to do the equanimity meditation at each one. It was a very different experience. A little background first… That particular meditation focuses on how we’re responsible for our own actions, can’t control others’ actions and that suffering comes from our relationship to suffering and not […]

I seem to always be an emotional wreck when I awake. My ‘black and white’ response? “Don’t fall asleep.” As I’m currently not manic nor using meth, that’s not really an option. I’m glad I don’t have access to the latter at the moment, because I don’t like to think of what I’d do if […]

Dammit. The lithium kicked in more quickly than I would have liked. My mania has almost completely dissipated. I know that’s a good thing, but I’m still a little disappointed. I’m going to focus on the silver lining of the fact that I haven’t slid into depression.

I’m outside Walgreens, waiting for it to open in 5 minutes. I’m finally filling my lithium prescription before going into my substance abuse treatment. I am a little saddened. I’ve been enjoying my mania for the last week and this will probably bring it to an end over the next week. I never know what […]

I saw N today for the first time in a couple days. I was batshit crazy while I was around her (thanks, mania). She’s worried about me. I’m worried about her. It’s all sorts of fun. Now that we’ve clarified that we’re planning on moving in together, my fear of abandonment has really been kicking […]

I blasted two friends on the phone with my ‘pressured speech’. I’m still at the point where I feel compelled to pace around constantly and spew whatever pops into my head. I guess that’s somewhat associated with the (rarely spoken of) discomfort associated with mania. If you don’t think about it, you don’t even notice […]

Holy fuck! I just got out of my last ED group. It was about sitting with discomfort and the benefits of growth resulting from such. Well, I start thinking about sitting with discomfort, and the next thing I know, I’m fucking fantasizing that I’ve got a needle in the crook of my right arm, shooting […]