How I miss your ranting, do you miss my all time lows?
So much for the theory. It was too good to be true. Everything's falling and I am included in that. Ugh! I suck at life. Everything I do just goes wrong.

Hello. I've waited here for you. Everlong.
Another theory to add. I just came to the realization that if anything were to happen with Adam...or for any guy for this matter...it would happen in March/April. Yes, March/April.

Why March/April? Well, it boils down to facts, really. If you look at my past "relationship" life you will be able to see that they have all occurred in the months of March and April. Shall I begin?

Sophomore year...Tim. I remember having my chorus concert in April and that's when he brought whatsherface. I'm more than positive that the fling that we had happened during the month of late March/early April.

Need more proof?!

Junior year...Scotty. So, we establised that we were going to be "friends with benefits" on March 30th. And on the 31st of March that's when it started. And by mid-April or whenever it was, we parted.

Wow. That April sure doesn't like me.

Anyway, so I guess we will see what will happen this coming spring. If Adam will be next or if I will meet some other guy in March and in April have it all come crashing down.

Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason...
As you all know, I was unable to attend the party last night due to my uncontrollable lying and my big mouth.

Yesterday, I just watched the minutes go by until it hit six ‘o clock and thought, I should totally be on top of Adam right now! So, what…come late eight ‘o clock, I call Christina to ask her if it would be rude if I called Ben’s party and asked to speak to Adam and tell him that I couldn’t make it.

Anyway, I called up Ana because she had his number and I asked for Ben and his dad picked up:
J: Hi, is Ben there?
D: Uh, Ben? Who is this?
J: This is Jennifer
D: *waits* He’s putting some stuff down. Does he have your number?
J: Um, no. Do you think I can call him back later?
D: Yeah, sure…in about ten minutes?
J: Okay, thank you.

I hang up thinking what did I just do? I waited more than ten minutes though because I was watching TV. ;) I call back and his mother picks up:
J: Hi, is Ben there?
M: Ben? Let me go find him
B: Hello?
J: Hey, Ben. Um, You don’t know me, but a friend of yours gave me a flyer to your party…
B: Oh, the cops are shutting down the party…
J: Oh. I was wondering if I could speak to Adam really quick.
B: Adam? Adam…uh, why?
J: I just want to talk to him really quick.
B: Haha. Alright, hold on.
*in the background: Adam? Hey, has anyone seen Adam? Where’s Adam? Adam, the phone. It’s some girl. You invited her to the party.*
A: Hello?
J: Hey, Adam. It’s Jennifer, um, I talked to you like last week and you gave me a flyer to the party.
A: Yeah, hey. Uh, the cops shut down the party.
J: Why? Because of the noise?
A: Yeah. It was pretty cold outside to play anyway.
J: You were going to play outside?
A: Yeah. Only one band played. The kazoo thing didn’t work out because we were going to be the last band to play.
J: Oh, that sucks.
A: Yeah.
J: Well, I just called to let you know that I couldn’t come to the party.
A: It’s okay. Thanks for calling though.
J: Yeah, so uh…I guess I’ll see you at school next year.
A: Alright.
J: Bye.

And that was it. Ugh! I feel like such an obsessive person. I mean, yeah it seems like it was a nice gesture to call, but like…I know, I’m thinking the worst…but like, what if he invited me just to invite me. Like, just come out and see some good bands? What if it wasn’t, “Hey, come over and we’ll get to know each other better.” If that’s what was supposed to go down, and I couldn’t make it, wouldn’t he have asked for my number on the phone and asked to do something during the break? I surely wasn’t going to say that. It crossed my mind. But no way was I going to lay it out on the table. Ugh! He probably knows that I can’t stop thinking about him and all of this other stuff.

I feel so bad for interrupting the party…wait, it was being shut down, but like, just calling Ben and never have exchanged any words with him…or for that matter, seen him. Then to ask for Adam and say the stupidest thing. I didn’t even think about what I was going to say. I just went in for the kill. I can never show my face to him ever again.

If I go out of my way, anymore than I already am, he is going to think that I’m some tigress that keeps chasing after him. The boy needs his space. And if things are panning out the way I think they are…he probably has some girl on the side or something.

I know. I’m probably thinking way to into all of this. And it’s true, most guys don’t even think like that. Maybe Adam just thought, “Okay, she just called to say she couldn’t come. How nice.” But there is still that chance that says, “What if he thinks…?” You know? Well, I’ve written enough. Two weeks is going to be awhile without any action, so check back here in about two weeks, when school arrives, unless I state otherwise. Later.

Now It's Done
So, I thought giving blood was bad. Then I thought...oh God, nothing can top being caught for truancy. Well, actually, maybe being truant is worse than what I did today. Alright, well, anyway, so my mom asks for Amanda's number because I told her that's where the party would be at. My mom wanted directions and to talk to a parent you know, just to make sure.

I'm like, "CRAP!" I text Ana, but she isn't replying back. So, then my mom wants "Amanda's" house number, so I call Ana's cell number and tell her what to do. Pretend that she is her mom and blah blah blah.

Little did I know that the messages that I sent Ana, I left up on my computer, so when my mom went into the room, she looked at the computer and saw what I had typed. IDIOT! Why did I do that?! So my mom was like, what?! Yeah, so that's not even the bad part.

My mom was like, wha? Why? Por qué? Haha. Uh, yeah. So she was like talking down to me and I already felt pretty bad about being stupid enough to leave the conversation up and so she was talking and the last thing she said was, leave! (As in leave the room and go do something in my room) Yeah, well...with my sometimes good, but in this case, bad habit of making silly comments, I acted upon what she had said, and replied, "Well, why don't you just leave this house!" Ooh! Touché!

I couldn't believe what I had said. My sister couldn't believe it. My mother couldn't believe it. She was like, wha? Yeah, I know. So, I managed to get myself in deeper trouble with that alone. I was like, I should have just left it at that. I mean, telling someone to be another person isn't all that bad. It's not like I actually said, "Hey, my mom is going to find out that I want to see Adam." Or anything like that. So, I could have been in the clear, but my big mouth had to go ahead and say something.

Anyway, so much for going to see Adam play his guitar and kazoo. *tear* What if he thinks that I didn't want to see him at all? And that I could care less that he gave me an invitation? So, this is what Christina came up with. She told me to call Ben and ask him for Adam's number and basically...tell him EVERYTHING. Tell him that I was going to go to the party, but I was grounded. But I had lied about the party, so I’m grounded even more, but that I really wanted to see him play and you know, no hard feelings for not going. Maybe I'll see him play...in like 2040. When my sentence is complete.

::
2004 13 December :: 2.50 pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: Copeland - There Cannot Be A Close Second

I don't know what to do when you look at me...
Well, that was fun.

So, Rath-B tells us that we can have D lunch because he had injured his hand over the weekend or something. So I was like, hmm...well, I have to go give Christina her book, so maybe I will bump into Adam along the way.

Yeah. Definitely chickened out.

So I saw him later on with these three guys from my third period, so I was like, there's no way I'm going to say hey to him if they are all there. They will probably embarass me.

So, I casually walked away from it all and I acted like I knew where I was going. I went to the senior patio and met up with Victoria. I told her about my dilemma and she said that I better go talk to him...

So, I'm walking up the stairs, and I see all of them just standing there. We make a trip to our locker and I'm just so scared to talk to him! So thank God that that security was telling everyone to go downstairs, so I made the effort to touch his arm and say hey.

And so it begins...

*walking down the stairs together*
J: Hey
A: Hey
J: Um, I don't think I told you my name. My name is Jennifer.
A: *takes something out of his pocket*
J: Did you write me a note?!
A: Haha. It's an invitation.
J: *fumbling* Who's Ben?
A: Do you know Ben Wallace? He went here last year...
J: Uh, no. I don't know him. :/
A: Yeah, we are in a band together...we are playing at his birthday party.
J: Oh really? What do you play?
A: Guitar and lead kazoo. (softly..."that's cute")
J: *haha* Did you draw this?
A: Oh no, Ben did.
J: Oh.
*long pause*
J: Those guys are in my third period class. I'm like the only girl in there. Haha.
A: Yeah, they are pretty annoying. Haha.
J: Yeah. They always fight and I'm always caught in the middle of it!
A: Haha.
J:*I grab his tie to look what's on them...scorpions...but he didn't notice.*
K: blah blah blah. Anti-Flag.
A: blah blah blah. I love track seven.
J: What about Anti-Flag?!
A: Oh some song.
K: How does it go again? I hate that song. All the other songs are better.
A: Really like which one?
K: Uh, I don't know. How does track seven go? I don't know what it's called. I always skip it.
A: *bounces his head around*...uh, yeah.
K: Yeah? Like that? Haha.
A: *continues thinking about it in his mind* Haha. Yeah.
*Coleman and Kevin toss eachother around, Adam tries to break it up. Kevin says hello to me and Victoria. Random. Bell rings.*
A: Alright, I'm gonna go. Bye.

The End.

Eh. So that's how it went. Somewhere in between, I would look towards Victoria and just say things or whatever so I wasn't like all by myself.

But yeah. So I was all smiles for the rest of the day. And I was like, well, that could have happened to anyone. But if you think about it. He had only one invitation, it's not like it was taken out of many of them...uh, I don't know if this makes much sense. But yeah, I mean, it's weird to give someone an invite or whatever when you've only talked to them once. But yeah. It's cool and all I guess.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up or anything like that. He's probably just a really friendly guy and does that with anybody. I'm going to try and give him space...so it doesn't seem like I'm being smothery you know?

So that's it. Um, oh yeah...Christina, why would Scott think that I like Matt? I meant to ask him that this afternoon, but it slipped my mind because I was thinking about...Adam.

This could be love for fire forevermore.
Speechless I tell you. Speechless. Where to begin. Well, let's just say I was having the crappiest day ever. I'm not even going to elaborate about it in here on what it was about because I'm over it. Anyway, so I'm like in such a mood during 1st, 2nd, and 3rd period and then I left my 3rd period early because I just couldn't take it anymore. So I was sititng outside of guidance...long story short. Adam walks by and I'm like, ugh! Too late to talk to him. So then I see some girl tap him on the shoulder and I'm like wha?! No way, not this time!!

The reason why the girl tapped him on the shoulder was so that she could introduce him or whatever to her friend who likes him or whatever (But the girl who tapped him doesn't even know his name or anything. And she rides my bus and lives like two houses down from me. So she is probably going to try and talk to me about it when I ride the bus.). Confusing. I know.

So he's walking back again and I was like, "Hey, come here..." So he's coming towards my way and I'm like, AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! So I said...hmm...let me put this in dialogue format:

J: Hey, come here...
A: *walks toward me*
J: I just wanted to say hey because I always see you around.
A: *laughs* Yeah. I'm Adam *puts out his hand*
J: I like your car. *laughs*
A: *laughs* Thanks.
J: Do you always have D lunch alone?
A: Yeah.
J: Why?
A: I don't know. Sometimes I leave early though.
J: As in you don't go to fourth period?
A: Yeah. I have graphics...we don't do anything.
J: Yeah, I have photo. I hate it.
A: *laughs* Alright, well, I'm going to go.

Then that same girl who tapped him on the shoulder or whatever was like OMG do you know his name? And I was like yeah. She said, "Because my friend likes him" And I said, "Well, tell her to watch out because I'm 'bout to fight her." And she said, "Are you dating him?" And I said, "No. He's just mine." And she said, "You can't call him yours!" And I'm like, bliotch...I can and I just did. Then Zach and I left to go to the library so I could tell Matt all about it. Haha.

Adam brightened my day. I couldn't stop thinking about how nice he was...and his eyes. I thought they were blue this entire time, but they are green and wow. Haha. I don't know what came over me. I didn't even have a redbull today. It was in my bookbag, but I was so bummed out I didn't feel like drinking it.

So, can you guess what I forgot to do? I forgot to tell him my name! I was like, what?! I realized that when I was telling Matt what happened. Where are my manners?! So yeah, all I have to do now is continue with the communication. You know...smiles and heys in the hall and stuff like that. And hopefully he won't forget me over the winter break. :)

It's all good. I better not fack this up. Or I will be so mad at myself. Ugh! Where are you Victoria?! I'm 'bout to fight you. I want to tell you what happened so bad!!!!!!!

Stop saying that we're invincible!
Seriously. I'm 'bout to fight. Like whoa. I can't even fathom. Actually, I can. And I don't plan on fighting because that's not my style.

But anyway, Allison is trying to move in on Adam. Ugh! I'm so...mad. I can't compete. And I won't I've decided that she can have him. She at least talks to him. All I do is just look at him from a distance and when he is up close I look down or I look completely the other way.

I less than three you!
Victoria and I walk out of English, and Matt says hey to Adam. We were like, ï¿½You know Adam.ï¿½ Anyway, so that night Victoria calls Matt and basically tries to make plans so that Matt, Victoria, Adam, and myself could have our own little get together. Wow.

::
2004 22 October :: 9.42 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: The Farewell News - Make Yourself At Home Because You Make Me Sick

The Glute Theory
My first encounter with Adam. I felt so good afterwards. I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was heavenly. You think you know, but you have no idea until it’s happened. The rush and that indescribable feeling, I can’t explain it. He makes my teeth sweat!

But the only problem is that I went against my theory. And just what is my “theory”? Well, the past has shown that the guys that I’ve had crushes on, i.e. Eric and Kyle, a relationship has never spawned. But with Tim and Scott, guys whose butts I’ve never grabbed, something has happened…now that I think about it, I never had like a hard core crush on Tim and Scott. Okay, maybe Tim, but the one with Scott didn’t really develop until after the split.

Anyway, continuing. So what does this mean? Does this mean that I just totally ruined every chance that I had with Adam all because of one simple butt grab? I have no idea what his reaction was. I just went in for the kill and acted like nothing had happened. So, I’m kind of waiting to hear what happened. Like if Adam is going to tell Randy about it or vice versa.

Everyone that I talk to says that Adam is really quiet. So what would I say to him? What keeps him talking and what keeps him interested? He’s probably a listener and likes to be in deep thought. I don’t know. I bet girls tell him he’s hot, good-looking, straight up adorable all the time. So how am I any different? (Wow. I sound like such a downer.)

Well, that’s it for now. Hopefully, next week I can add more information about Adam. <3<3<3 Later.

so let's just pretend everything and anything between you and me was never meant
I really would have said Happy Birthday too. But I didn't. I couldn't. It wasn't in the stars, you know? I came too early to school and I left too early.

I'm sure he would have appreciated it too. It's not like someone has that black of a heart to refuse a greeting.

Maybe I fell too fast. Maybe I pushed you away. Now you're gone and I'm afraid that you're never coming back this way again.

I'm never going to get over him am I? Are you happy, Scott? That you're on my mind 24/7. You're ripping my heart out, here! And it's like I have this silly notion that things are going to get better between us. Not exactly like the way it was before, but like just go on talking terms, you know? I dream too much and it gets my hopes up and yet it only brings me down to settle for the worst.

I'm a wreck. And I'm certain, if i drive into those tress, It'd make less of a mess
than you've made of me.

Your face is so contagious...it leaves me breathless...I won't forget you
I'm beginning to see Scotty a lot more!! I don't know. It's weird. My heart just about dropped when I walked into his classroom. I was like *gasps*...he looked at me. Took a double take actually. I think he was probably wondering what happened to my eye. Either that, or wondering what the hell I was doing in there. I plead the latter. Or not.

But yeah, I had to go in there TWICE. Awkward. I feel like I should have at least glanced and gave him a smile. But I don't think about those things until after I'm gone!! I hate myself for that!

Anyway, back to Scott. So today, after the pep rally, he was waiting for AJ and I was like oh man. And guess who knows him? Mikey, Victoria's little brother. Yeah, they go way back to the 8th grade!

Anyway, perfect oppurtunity to look over and just see his reaction. I really wish I knew how he felt right now. Like if he sees me he thinks about what we had or whether it's more LEAVE NOW!

That's it. The next time I see him. I'm going to look over at him and just smile. See what he does...I don't know. I just feel like I think he thinks that I totally forgot about him and that I blocked him out of my memory. WHICH SO ISN'T TRUE!

i talk to you every now and then i never felt so alone again i stopped to think at a wishing well my thoughts spinning like a carousel

My thoughts are so scattered right now!! I just don't know what to think! Ugh!! What a stresser!!

Why can't we just walk up to each other and say hey? Why do we have to ignore each other?? It's so stupid and I hate it!!!

::
2004 2 September :: 3.27 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: The Juliana Theory - If I Told You This Was Killing Me Would You Stop?

*)!#$ ^%$#
FUCK FUCK FUCK. I wasn't ready. I chickened out. I couldn't look at him. It was too hard. GAH!! What the hell?! UGH. I'm so pissed at myself. I could have waved at Victoria's friend that we had to give a ride to. Even though I don't know him. GRR! FUCK FUCK FUCK. This is going to be on my mind for the longest time! I'm such a loser. I hate myself for having done that!!

Allow me to stuff my head into a pillow. Preferrably one that is sound proof and fluffy.

I don't wanna make things any worse
You would think that because I haven't seen Scott, it would make me think of him less. But it doesn't.

Good God. Even the little things remind me of him. Scott Napkins.

If I could only turn back the hands of time and never have told him the things I said. Maybe things would be different. Maybe I'd be talking to him. Is that too much to ask for? Just one hello? Anything that says, hey it's cool. We can still be friends.

I wasn't head over heels for him then, but now he is like a stain in my brain. (Not written intentionally to rhyme.)

Yeah, maybe what he did wasn't right. He shouldn't have said those things to me. Maybe there was a nicer way that he could have said it. It probably does make him a dick for doing that. It's like I was used. But then again, I sort of knew what I was getting into, and I sort of didn't.

Friends with benefits. I'd do it all over again, now that I know what not to do.

I should hate him but I can't replace him in my heart.

It's like I have his screen name now. Thanks to Christina. But I don't have the nerve to go ahead and IM him. For many a reason.

1. He'll ask how I have his screen name. (Stalk much?)
2. It's been so long since we've talked. What on earth would we talk about??
3. Just the fear that I'll be immediately blocked once I get a hey in there.

There has to be some easier way. I want everything to be how it was in late March/early April. It just isn't fair.

Scott was the best. You know, before he went psycho. Incredibly Sweet. Nice. Smart. Adorably cute...hot. Haha. Would you have me committed if I said he was perfect?

What girl wouldn't resist him? He can have whatever he wants. If by chance he has decided to want to have a deeper relationship with a girl, and has found her, then I envy her with everything that I am.

The Curse
So let me get this straight. Not only does the school place me in a class with two guys that I liked and grabbed their butts; yet they also place me in there with a bunch of guys being the only girl. But they also want to place A.J. 2 parking spots down from where Victoria and myself park.

So what's the dilly yo with all of that?? Little did I know, that young A.J. gives rides to his family/friends. And who just so happens to be A.J.'s friend??

Scotty.

Haha. Silly Cone=Silicone. That was corny.

But yeah. It was just weird. You have no friggin idea. We were waiting outside of Victoria's car for her little brother. And Scott just comes and I can just feel his eyes on me. And I'm desperately trying not to make eye contact. So I'm like, "I'm going to go in the car now."

I felt so retarded.

I kind of feel terrible though. I act like I don't even know him and that I never had anything to do with him. But I think that's what he wanted anyway.