Newsletter and jokes 22 January 2016

Hi all
Well The Revenant and its huge collection of awards and nominations is on
circuit for your viewing pleasure. If that's a bit heavy for you, also up
is the crowd-pleasing comedy Daddy's Home, as well as a new animated film
for the kiddies, and two Bollywoods.
There are previews at selected venues for Dirty Grandpa next Thursday, see
the Previews page and remember to book.
M O V I E S
22 January 2016
* Daddy's Home (PG7-9 L)
* The Revenant (16 V)
* The Revenant (IMAX) (16 V)
* Norm of the North (PG)
* Airlift
* Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 3
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm
Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm
Forthcoming attractions for 29 January.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm
Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/
This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the gals)
Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm
List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm
Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)
Cheers, Ian
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a
woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circ*mstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the
chair."
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do
it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Kids in church ...
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our
baskets.'
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
'Ryan , you be Jesus !'
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Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:
Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?
Hattie : For better digestion, I drink beer.
In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine.
For low blood pressure I drink red wine.
In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch.
And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.
Reporter : When do you drink water?
Hattie : I've never been that sick.
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I think this may be a rerun, but anyway ....
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he
can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
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