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Monthly Archives: August 2013

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Well I made it to Friday. And as expected the test was negative. G and I tested first thing this morning, and for the first time in quite a while, he was really upset with the negative. Not that he hasn’t been upset in the past, but he has a lot more patience than I do, so a month here or there is not as hard for him as it is for me. This time he admitted that he’s also getting really frustrated. It feels like an eternity since the last time I was pregnant. It has been an eternity really, 9 months if you don’t count the chemical pregnancies. Granted part of that time we were holding off trying, but I was only okay with that because I assumed it wouldn’t take a million years to get pregnant again.

That was a few hours ago. Since then, I’ve gone back into the bathroom to look at the stupid test again like 10 times. Does anyone else do this? I know your not supposed to read the test after 5 minutes because apparently you can get an evaporation line (what the hell is that anyway??). Well if they want me to not look at it again after 5 minutes then it would need to self-destruct, because I don’t have that kind of self-control. And the more I stare at the stupid thing, the more I’ve been able to convince myself that just maybe there is the faintest of faint lines there. G isn’t home anymore to try to convince me I’m crazy (which, let’s face it, I am), so my imagination is running away with me. There’s nothing I can do except wait until tomorrow. So here I am, back where I was yesterday. The waiting game. UGGGG, I’m just so sick of all of this!!

Some days I just love the internet and its ability to enable my neuroses. I’ve been sitting here driving myself insane for the last couple of hours trying to focus on work, but instead thinking about whether I’m pregnant. No shock there, I knew perfectly well that by now (8 dpo) I’d be going completely crazy. But I promised myself I was allowed to test tomorrow, and so that’s all I can think about. Just get to tomorrow, hold out one more day.

So given that, instead of taking a pregnancy test, I’ve been reading pregnancy test instructions (as if I don’t know how to POAS by now!!!) and googling test sensitivity. You gotta love google, bringing together all the impatient people like myself in the world. I stumbled onto this website, where you can clickity-click your day past ovulation and it will give you the % of women (who did turn out to be pregnant) who got a positive result with a given kind of test on that day. Basically, women who’ve used those tests go online and record whether they got a positive or not on a given day. Crowd-sourcing ttc!

It turns out that 60% or so of women will get a positive result with the tests I have (cheapos from amazon) on day 9. So much information, but so little comfort! That’s actually higher than I expected, which means that if/when I get a negative tomorrow I’ll be that much more disappointed.

I’m not sure which is worse, wondering and hoping and going crazy today, or being depressed tomorrow?

I don’t need to tell any of you guys that the TWW sucks. I’m at about 5 dpo, which is the point when I usually start to turn in to a giant ball of crazy. I’ve been doing okay so far, but it’s gotta be just a matter of time. The thing is, this month I don’t have any of my trusty symptoms to rely on. I’ve been feeling nauseous on and off for like, six weeks straight now (god only knows why…), so any nausea going forward really can’t be trusted. I’ve also been having random cramps for the last couple weeks, so that can’t be trusted either. All the other symptoms are unreliable to begin with (when am I not a little tired?). So this could either work out in my favor or work against me. Ideally, I’d be able to calmly remind myself that these ‘symptoms’ don’t mean anything. But is that likely? Ha!

So, I’ve given myself four days to suffer until I start testing. I wouldn’t usually start testing on day 9, but I want to make sure I have a thyroid test as early as humanly possible if I get a positive. Even if its only a tiny chance that it’ll be positive on day 9, it’s worth the tiny chance to get in for a blood test that day. Otherwise, if I get a positive over the weekend I have to wait until Monday for bloodwork. So, I will try to manage my expectations and not let it ruin my whole day if its negative on Friday. Is that likely?? Haha!

And even if I do get a positive, I’ll have to try not to take it too seriously yet since I had two chemical pregnancies in a row a few months ago. I wrote that off as bad luck (although extremely frustrating bad luck), but if it happens again I’ll start to get really really freaked out. Or, if I don’t get pregnant this month, we’ll be going on 5 months of trying with no results, which will really get the ball of crazy going. Have I gone backwards? Have I lost the ability to even get pregnant now? I don’t have much hope that it will work out even if I do get pregnant again, but I need to at least get there to find out! Ugg, I don’t even want to start going there.

On a side note, I had a mini-breakdown checking facebook again today. I wrote once before about a friend (really a wife of a friend) who has been torturing me with her pregnancy blog posts. Today she made a passing comment that she is starting to do baby laundry. She’s about 7 months pregnant now, and preparing for her baby by washing all the gifts they’ve gotten. There was just a simple photo of a hamper of baby laundry attached to the post. So simple, and so real. It’s not just a bump anymore, in a few short months she’ll be holding her very real baby. And I’ll be holding…nothing.

So, today is day 9 of my cycle, which is usually about when I start ovulation testing. I almost always get 4-5 days of negatives, but it gives me something to do in the middle of my cycle, and I like to be absolutely positive I won’t miss it. Which is why I was shocked to see two super dark lines pop off the strip today. Not even half-way dark, like maybe it’ll be for real positive tomorrow, a definite positive.

The one good thing I’ve got going for me in the lady-parts area is that my cycles are super regular. With the exception of months after a miscarriage, my cycle is always 28 or 29 days, with ovulation smack dab in the middle. I don’t think I’ve ever ovulated so early in a cycle before. In fact, if I’d tested even a day later we probably would have missed it and wasted yet another whole month.

So, while its nice to skip ahead a little and get that much closer to testing time, this month is really not getting off to a good start. We only had one shot to try (we did have sex last Thursday, but that was probably too long ago at this point), and the cycle is already a weird short one. Can’t be a good sign.

Recently, Coral Blooms wrote a post that hit really close to home for me. Basically, the issue is about friends and family who know what we’ve been through and yet choose to ignore it. Maybe they’re kind and supportive at first, but as time goes by, they act as if it never happened, or as if we should obviously be over it already.

In my case, this is about 90% of the people I’ve told about my situation. The one huge exception is my parents, but everyone else displays this pattern to some degree. I have two close friends who will always listen if I bring it up, but they certainly don’t ask about it. In fact, one of these friends actually forgot I was pregnant last time and never asked how it turned out. We are very close, but sometimes a few weeks go by without having a chance to talk, so when I told her I was pregnant I was already 5 or 6 weeks and bleeding. It was over email and I think what I said was “I’m most likely having my fourth failed pregnancy”. So, maybe it didn’t come across just how depressed I was about the situation (I have trouble showing how I feel about this because I hate the idea that people will think I’m weak). She wrote back and said sorry, but not to give up yet because it could still turn out okay despite the bleeding (HA!).

I didn’t hear from her again for another month or so, until right after I had surgery. She actually emailed to ask me a favor, and never mentioned anything about the pregnancy. She had completely forgotten. This broke my heart a little, both that this friend I thought was so close could have so little concern for what was happening in my life as to forget a pregnancy, but also that the state of my life was such that me being pregnant was basically a non-event. She certainly didn’t forget the first time I told her I was pregnant, or even the second, because those times she thought it meant something. By the fourth time, it was most likely just another miscarriage, which clearly I shouldn’t be too upset about (since I’d already done it three times, duh!), so it didn’t register as important on her radar. I don’t say this to defend her because I really was extremely hurt and angry.

I completely ignored her first email (passive aggressive much?), and we didn’t speak for another month. Eventually, she wrote again and asked if everything was okay. My first instinct was to pretend nothing had ever happened, I have issues with conflict. But, ultimately I decided that her friendship was important enough to try to be direct, rather than just secretly resenting her. So I told her I was really hurt that she hadn’t asked how the pregnancy turned out. She admitted that she had forgotten, apologized profusely, and said she promised she would never be that inconsiderate again. And to be fair, she hasn’t been since then. But the message is still clear. A pregnancy or miscarriage in my life just does not come across as a big deal anymore. As a statement about the current condition of my life, this hurts as much as anything else.

Sadly, this type of thing is the rule not the exception. My SIL (who has had two babies since we started trying) said she was sorry about my loss the first time I had a miscarriage, and I’m fairly sure she has not said ‘I’m sorry”, or anything similar a single time since. In fact, after miscarriage #3 she said “well it’ll happen when the time is right”. Luckily I managed to resist screaming or throwing something (at her?). In the interest of not writing a 20 page blog post, I won’t give all the examples of things like this that have happened over the past 2.5 years. In general, the rule has been that people say something once, then never bring it up again, or if I bring it up, they tend to say something in passing and change the subject as fast as possible.

Now that I’ve complained about all these people in my life, I do want to say that the point of this post was not to talk about how awful my support system is. In fact, I do think I’m pretty lucky over all. My mother is possibly the most amazing person on the planet, and I can always count on her. G (my husband) was not terribly emotionally available for the first year and a half, but he (and our relationship) has come so far and now he is as understanding as I could ever hope for. The actual point of this post was supposed to be that I am trying to find some understanding for where these people (who I do believe care about me) are coming from with their inconsiderate behavior. Especially when it comes to family members, I won’t be able to just shut them out (although I REALLY want to at times), so it can only help to try to give them the benefit of the doubt and understand where they’re coming from.

I think it comes down to 3 things. 1) They don’t know what to say, or think I don’t want to talk about it. I understand that when bad things happen, it makes people awkward and uncomfortable. I’ve definitely felt this way myself, wondering what to say to someone who has lost a family member or pet. I know the feeling of wanting to just move on and talk about something less uncomfortable. All I can say though is that if you care about someone, you HAVE to try anyways, no matter how uncomfortable you may be. Just say something!! ANYTHING is probably better than nothing. I think this applies to a number of friends, and ultimately, I don’t think I’ll be able to maintain a friendship with the people who have never once asked me how things are going after the first miscarriage (we stupidly told a number of people the first time we were pregnant, so quite a few people new about that one). It’s too hard to care about their happy lives when they don’t seem to care in the least about mine. If they can’t be bothered to make an effort, then I’m not going to make an effort to give them the benefit of the doubt.

2) They just don’t understand how hard it all actually is. I think this applies to my SIL and the friend I mentioned earlier. They do care, and they probably want to help, but they just don’t have any idea how hurt I really am by all of this. I definitely share some responsibility here, because I’m not great at showing emotion. I have this idea that I need to appear strong, but people will obviously know that inside I’m hurting desperately (because how could I not be), and act accordingly. Honestly, it’s probably not fair to ask them to just intuitively figure out how upset I am. This is really tough though because I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully show them how I feel. I don’t want to have to. But they may never be able to really empathize if I don’t.

And finally, 3) Other peoples’ pain is really scary. This is the factor that really got me thinking about all of this. I was recently reading an article about someone who had a stillbirth. I could feel myself starting to get caught up in her pain, and my instinct was to run like hell. Close the article, bury it under a stack of other magazines, and never ever think about it ever again. The idea of that much suffering was too scary for me to think about, and I wanted to just put up a wall and pretend it didn’t exist. It’s at least possible that people might have this kind of reaction to hearing about all the loss in my life. Maybe it’s just a natural instinct for self-protection.

I don’t say these things to excuse anyone’s behavior, it still hurts and I badly want to react in some negative way. I don’t even know that I’ll be able to do anything about it if I understand. But in the case where I can’t get away from people (my SIL for example, I think I’m rather stuck with her), maybe it will help to try to understand where they’re coming from. I want to have relationships with these people, but it’s so hard to get over the resentment. If nothing else, it’s teaching me how not to act when someone I care about is going through a rough time.

So I just came across this article and couldn’t help laughing given my recent post about the horribleness of pregnancybook (well mostly my own bad habits when it comes to pregnancybook). Shocking, facebook makes me feel worse about myself!?! Could it be the five beautiful pregnant women posting pictures from their baby showers? Could it be the 10 pictures of newborns posted in the last ten minutes?? I just can’t figure it out…

On a similar note, after a recent trip to the aforementioned website, I decided I should co-opt the standard pregnancy blog and post my own version. I’ve been pregnant enough times that it’s only fair I should get to fill one of these out by now, right?

Here it goes:

Size of the baby: baby? What baby? Pregnancy is supposed to lead to a baby?

Total weight gain/loss: about 15lbs gained, mostly from nausea. Usually the only thing that makes me feel less sick is starchy foods like potatoes (read chips). The first time around I didn’t fight this much and gained a bunch of weight. Since then I’ve worked harder to keep from gaining weight, but I usually gain 5 lbs or so every time I’m pregnant. It went straight to my belly the first time and never really left, even though I’ve mostly lost the weight. I figure it’s probably ironic symbolism that I have a small pregnant-looking belly that won’t go away.

Maternity clothes: Um yeah, I have some of those hiding in the back of my closet. The first time I was pregnant and gained a bunch of weight that went straight to my belly, I couldn’t button my jeans. I did the rubberband thing to keep them on, and got one or two not-so-obvious maternity shirts to hide the growing pooch. I kept the shirts afterwards thinking I’d need them eventually, but most still have the tags on. They just sit in the back of my closet, mocking me…

Best moments: I dunno, the giant glass of wine that helped me forget all this shit temporarily??

Nausea/Vomiting: Actually yes. My period ended two days ago, I stopped taking progesterone 5 days ago, and yet still I feel nauseous. I think my body has forgotten what it’s like to NOT be pregnant or on hormones. Apparently pukey is my new normal.

Labor signs: That would require a pregnancy to last longer than 10 weeks…

Gender: yes please! I’ll take anything!

Wedding rings on or off: Ha, another testament to how pregnancy has left its mark on me. I’m allergic to my wedding ring. I went to the jewelry store and the lovely saleslady asked if I was or had been pregnant. Fortunately not because of the aforementioned belly pooch, just because this is apparently common with pregnancy. I had to lie and say no, I wasn’t pregnant, because it would be too complicated to explain the whole story. I’ve been wearing my wedding ring on a chain around my neck, hoping the allergy will go away eventually.

Sleep: Well, the nice thing about either being pregnant or taking progesterone half the month is the hormones put me to sleep. So at least I don’t lay awake thinking depressing thoughts when I first get in to bed. Instead I wake up at 5 am desperately needing to pee and then lay awake thinking depressing thoughts.

Wisdom: I don’t even know where to start with this one. I think I have become an entirely different person with all the “wisdom” I’ve gained. Just for starters: if you are pregnant (for real) you have NO IDEA how lucky you are (well some of you do :)). Appreciate the hell out of it. Also, if you know someone is going through something difficult, don’t ignore it and wait for it to go away. It won’t, and they’ll probably just resent you for it. Also, no matter what you’ve been through, there are probably people who have gone through much worse.

What am I most excited about: Ha! Excitement? I don’t think I’ll ever have that again. The closest thing I have to excitement now is hoping that I will have my next miscarriage quickly. Another miscarriage seems inevitable, and I just hope I can get it over with quickly rather than waiting for months and months to get pregnant first. Maybe one day I’ll even be able to move on, and that would be something to get excited about.

Well there you have it, possibly the only maternity blog I’ll ever get to fill out. At least I can (morbidly) joke about it, right?

BFN. Finally tested today (12dpo), and surprisingly it was negative. I say surprisingly because I thought I really knew the symptoms well enough to predict at this point. I mean, I’ve been pregnant at least 6 times, you’d think I could tell by now right?? I definitely felt (and still feel for that matter) sick, but I’m guessing in retrospect it’s just the progesterone. I’ve only been taking this dose for the last three months, and both the previous two months when I felt pregnant I was. And oddly, both times I stopped feeling sick and started spotting before I stopped the progesterone. So who knows?

I keep telling myself its probably better this way. If the thyroid medication is going to have an effect, it would be much better to be taking it already before I’m pregnant. I said a couple times over the past few days that it was just adding an additional level of confusion to the situation to be starting the medication a week or so after implantation, when things could already have started going wrong. If the pregnancy failed again, I would wonder if it was just that we hadn’t started the medication in time. This way, if/when I get pregnant again, if it goes badly I’ll know it wasn’t because the thyroid med hadn’t had a chance to work.

But a negative is still a negative, and it was still extremely hard to see. Another month down the drain, another month with no progress. Another month of announcements and births. As strange as it is to say, if I’m going to have another miscarriage anyway, I just want to get it over with already. Usually it feels like it’s inevitable, and I’m just wasting time getting there.

I had a big glass of wine with dinner, which helped, but I have to fight feeling guilty about it now. Until my period starts I’ll feel like I was irresponsible, or didn’t care enough to just hold out a few more days. In the past I haven’t had a drink until I was positive, but there’s really just no point. If it isn’t positive by now it isn’t going to be positive.

Just a quick update. After all my frustration last night, today I got a call from my doctor’s office saying they are giving me a prescription for synthyroid!! They said, even though my value is still within normal, it’s a little higher (the TSH) than ideal for someone trying to get pregnant. My doc said that given my history it’s worth putting me on a low dose. We will test it again when I’m for sure pregnant. I’m really excited at this point, there is at least a chance that we have figured out my problem and things will be improving very soon!

On the other hand, I might be just heading upwards on the hope roller coaster, heading for a huge fall. Fingers crossed I’m not setting myself up for a huge disappointment here.

I’m feeling pretty low tonight. This is the dangerous side of hope. At first you feel so good, but when it’s gone you’re left feeling worse than ever.

Last week, a reader commented on a post where I talked about the symptoms I’ve had when I’m pregnant, and mentioned that it sounded like hypothyroidism (a definite plus for blogging, btw!). Specifically, I was talking about how I start to feel extremely exhausted to the point that just standing up long enough to brush my teeth is enormously hard, and things like breathing take a ton of effort. I know its normal to get tired during pregnancy, but its hard for me to beleive that what I’m describing is just normal pregnancy symptoms. Plus, there are other things too, like a really low body temp, really low blood pressure, and super-duper low pulse. When I’ve been in the hospital waiting for a DnC and hooked up to the machines, every single time my pulse is so low that it sets off the monitors. It hovers around 45-50. The nurses always come over to turn off the monitor and just say, ‘oh your so young and healthy’. Well, as nice as it would be if that were true, it’s just not. I’m no couch potato, but I’m not in the greatest shape. I get winded walking up a flight or two of stairs. So, that just didn’t sit well with me as an explanation.

I’ve looked in to these things before, but I there are other symptoms of hypothyroidism I’ve never had, like scaly skin and a hoarse voice. I just figured I was being a hypochondriac. Plus, by the time I had these symptoms, the pregnancies were already failing. I remember thinking, if I ever have a normal pregnancy I’ll have to ask about these weird symptoms. It never occurred to me that it might be something that was affecting the pregnancy itself. But after I started looking in to it this past weekend, I immediately saw it’s very clearly associated with recurrent pregnancy loss.

And this is where the hope comes in. It all just started to fall in to place. I figured, here is the solution I’ve been looking for all this time. I just wasn’t paying enough attention to the signs, and now that we know what’s going on it’s easy to treat and next time will be totally different. I really tried to keep it in check, I tried to tell myself it was a terrible idea to get this in to my head before I’d even had a test. Plus, even if I do have hypothyroidism when I’m pregnant there’s no way to know that its causing the miscarriages. We could do all kinds of treatment and I could still miscarry. Hope is just such a stupid idea.

Well, yesterday I called my doctor and requested a thyroid test. I was shocked when they called and said I’d had a test (along with all my other tests) over a year ago. I can’t beleive there are tests I don’t even remember having. But, at that point (when I wasn’t pregnant, and wasn’t having symptoms), my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone, the most common measure of thyroid function) was 2.5. Labs often use a normal range of .5 to 5.0 as normal, but the most up to date standards are to use a range of .3 to 3.0 (that is, greater than 3.0 is potentially indicative of hypothyroidism). Even with the more narrow range though I was well within it last year. So, I figured if I’m only having the problem when I’m pregnant it would have to be going up quite quickly to be having an effect on my pregnancies so early, but maybe that’s possible.

This morning I went in for another test, to get a more current number. At this point, I should also mention that it’s possible that I’m pregnant now. I’m about 10 dpo, and I have all the classic symptoms I usually have at this point. BUT, I had chemical pregnancies the last two months in a row, so it could very well be a false alarm. Point being, when I got my thyroid test this morning, I had in my mind that I could be pregnant and so the levels should be higher. I was hoping it would be really high (weird to be hoping something is really wrong with you), so that we’d know that was definitely what was wrong and could hopefully start a treatment in time for this (not yet even real!) pregnancy to work out. That’s a lot of hoping for a lot of things.

I spent all day on the edge of my chair waiting unrealistically for the phone to ring even though they said it would probably be tomorrow. When it didn’t ring I came home ready to relax after feeling so tense all day. Then a few hours ago a little email popped in to my box, saying I had an update to my health record. I didn’t even know that was an option! Well, there were my results, and they were not what I had hoped for.

My TSH is 2.72, and my T4(free) is 1.07. These are both within the normal range, although my TSH is higher than last year. I think the rational way to interpret these results is that there is no problem and this is not causing my miscarriages. In fact this is basically what my husband said, which got him promptly yelled at. I’m so frustrated with the possibility that I was just totally wrong and got my hopes up for nothing I can’t stand him telling me what I know is probably true.

But my brain is not rational, and this is where its going. So, if my normal number when I’m not pregnant is 2.5, and I’m barely barely pregnant now and its already 2.7, it must be going up fast. And I shouldn’t be surprised that its still normal at this point since I’m not really having symptoms of it right now (although my body temp was 97.2 this morning and I’ve been shivering under a blanket even though its 80 in here). So, if I’m not really having symptoms yet, I shouldn’t be expecting the number to be elevated yet. If we track it, maybe in a week it’ll be elevated. Or, maybe I’m not even pregnant, and so the number especially wouldn’t be elevated yet. But here’s where it gets tricky. If this is actually something that is affecting my pregnancies and I start bleeding around 5 weeks, how could my levels be changing fast enough to affect the pregnancy that fast but we can’t detect it yet? The rational side of me says that’s not likely.

So at this point, the best case scenario is that I’m pregnant and we keep tracking my levels and they go up really fast. But realistically it seems very unlikely that we could treat it fast enough to work for this pregnancy (if it exists). So the best I’ve got now is that I have to be pregnant to diagnose the problem, have another miscarriage and then treat it proactively next time?? Not sure I like that best case scenario, but it’s better than the alternative.

Which is that my hope has all been completely pointless, we still have no idea what the hell is wrong with me, and I will just keep having miscarriages forever.

I’ve never been a particular fan of physical pain. I mean, who is really? So, why is it that when it comes to emotional suffering, I’m a glutton for punishment? Specifically I’m referring to the extra special pain that is facebook. Since joining the blog world, the impression I get is that people in the infertile ladies club are smart enough to avoid pregnancy-book (yes, I’ve renamed it). I however, seem to have absolutely no sense of self protection.

Before my miscarriages, and actually, up until #3 or 4, I rarely went on facebook. It just wasn’t my thing. It’s partially related to my social anxiety, when I see all these people having witty conversations and having so many friends, it’s a definite trigger for me. It was just easier to avoid it altogether. But in the last few months I’ve been on facebook every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. And I hate every minute of it, but I go right back for more.

Part of it is that I like to be prepared. Forewarned is forearmed, right? So I keep an eye out for anyone who’s a prime target for impregnation. That way the moment they announce, I’ll know it. I’ll know it before there’s any risk whatsoever of being surprised and caught off guard. I won’t have to risk the casual run-in at starbucks, or the mention from a mutual friend (and the subsequent covering of tears). This has happened to all of us, and I’d always rather find out in my own home, where I can scream, or cry, or run for the wine supply. But, then, why do I keep following these happy pregnant people in all their happy pregnant people glory long after anything good can come from it?

I have one friend in particular I’ve been following as she’s blogging about her idyllic pregnancy. She’s the wife of my husband’s closest friend from college, and after #4, we came out with it and told them about our issues. They knew we had been planning to try, and figured something was wrong since 2 years had passed. They were relatively compassionate, and we told them we might just end up adopting. My husband’s friend told us he really just couldn’t imagine adopting. He really wanted to have kids, but if they couldn’t be his own, it just wasn’t worth it. It was perfectly good for us though. Well that’s a great sentiment for people who probably can’t have kids of their own, thanks. They ended the conversation by telling us that they were planning to start trying any minute.

Five months later we were expecting a call from them any minute. Sure enough, they called to say they had gotten pregnant on try number three. They were only 8 weeks, but despite having heard everything we’d been through they still felt comfortable enough to tell everyone they knew. I mean, these people just have such a trust in their own perfect bodies that our problems were clearly a result of something substandard about us that could never touch them (yes, I know this is unfair, but it’s how it comes across). Since then, she’s been blogging about said perfect pregnancy. Yes, she’s had some morning sickness, but besides that the biggest problem she’s had is that she’s gained an amount of weight that is perfectly well within the recommended range. Man, life is rough.

So once a week I know she’ll be updating her blog with all the absolutely necessary information for everyone to know about her pregnancy (wedding ring on or off? Belly button in or out?), and back I go. I don’t ‘happen’ to see this, I go to facebook specifically to see it. I believe the word for this is masochism.

One of her blog posts recently was about the ‘wisdom’ she’s learned from pregnancy. I mean, what the f***?? You’ve managed to fertilize an egg and keep it implanted in your uterus for 6 months (granted it appears to be harder to accomplish that we would have thought), but wisdom??? Her wisdom, as it turns out, was to relax, trust your body and trust god. Apparently, the fact that it took her 3 months to get pregnant was shocking and upsetting to her. She was starting to get very frustrated and wonder why god was making it so hard for her. Then after 3 months, she decided to just relax and let god handle it. And low and behold, she got pregnant!! Miracle of miracles, a young healthy fertile woman got pregnant in three months. She definitely discovered the magical solution, and now we can all learn from her awesome guidance.

Today she posted her maternity photos, looking absolutely perfect in her beautifully decorated nursery, and there I was eating it up. I have no idea what I get out of upsetting myself like this, but I’m sure I’ll be back for it next time too.