Essays on life, on coming out as a gay man in my mid-50's, on finding love and getting married to a man, on my son, on sexuality and intimacy, and the great new life I have today.

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Masculine / Discrete

I see many profiles on sites like Grindr and Scruff tags or descriptor that say: masculine only; discrete; no fems. Why? Why, in this day and age where a man in many parts of the country can easily be out and proud, do men want the gay part of their life hidden? While I do understand this thinking, it also makes me angry. In my book, a man that wants to be discrete is immediate disqualification for a potential date. After fighting so hard to be out of the closet and to root out internalized homophobia and shame within myself, I do not want to go back in the closet. Also, the term discrete implies an anonymous hook up without the possibility of anything more.

Men today can like football and be gay. They can be professionals in highly public jobs and be gay. So why do men still hide like it is the 1950s? One form internalized homophobia takes is a strong drive for the masculine and disgust or fear of men who are more feminine. If you hate the gay in you, then you want to hide the gay in a quiet corner and only let it out in a secret, furtive, hidden manner only with those men who demonstrate clearly masculine traits and qualities.

The men I personally find attractive tend to be more masculine, but I have many gay male friends that I care for who have more effeminate traits. I have also seen gay men go for hyper masculinity in a way that has no trace of tenderness or sweetness. While I suspect being gay has a whole spectrum of natural traits, I wonder if the men on the very effeminate or hyper masculine parts of spectrum are demonstrating natural tendencies or something more forced, driven by emotional, rather than organic causes.

I hope that men can l let emerge the traits: masculine, feminine and everything in between, that is a true representation of who they are.