Infertility: Sometimes it hurts to be a Mormon.

As Mormons we are so focused on families. It’s really a kind of beautiful thing. Children are wonderful. Families are wonderful.

However this purpose becomes so singular it doesn’t always leave room for any deviation from the ideal picture. As a woman motherhood is our purpose. It is our reason for existing. We come to this earth to be righteous and to raise children unto the Lord. It is our primary goal. We are to multiply and replenish the earth!

Fatherhood is extremely important too but I’m a woman – so this is my perspective and experience. LDS men are generally given more reasons for living than a woman’s divine right to/gift of motherhood. They are prepared for life, manhood, working and being a breadwinner but not just being a father.

Growing up we learn songs like this:

Listen. We need to be on the same page. I’ll wait here…..

Just in case you’re somewhere you can’t listen to a video the lyrics are here.

So you grow up in this climate. You listen to songs like that all through childhood. You hear and read statements released by the church like:

Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity. When husband and wife are physically able, they have the privilege and responsibility to bring children into the world and to nurture them. The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife.

and

Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity.

Those who are physically able have the blessing, joy, and obligation to bear children and to raise a family. This blessing should not be postponed for selfish reasons.

That’s what I did. I grew up in this culture. I got married at 21. This is early by normal standards but just right by Mormon Culture standards. I did it all with that song humming in the back of my mind. I’ve known that song since I was first entering primary.

Before marriage I was a mothering woman. Even has a teenager. Younger really. I took care of anyone’s children. Single mother who needs need some help? Sure! I’ll keep your baby for a week. You have seven kids and they asked you to play the piano for sacrament meeting? Yes. I’ll keep the twins every Sunday. Fifteen and I had twins on my hips. I remember a Young Women leader stopping me one Sunday and she said “That looks entirely too natural on you. Promise it’ll be awhile.”

I was that girl. The desire to mother, to nurture, is in my very soul. I was the one those things were written about. When the church teaches us that every woman is meant to be a mother – I’m the stereotype by which they show proof that it’s true. (FYI I disagree. Every woman is unique – as are her hopes, dreams, and desires. All of which deserve to be honored.)

So three weeks into getting married my husband and I decide we are stopping all birth control measures. We wanted children. In retrospect why no one told us we were insane baffles me. We lived in a one bedroom basement apartment. We had no money. College students. Perfect! Let’s make babies. Not that we would have listened but still – completely insane.

And thus begins my journey. Two months later my very predictable cycle was one week late. But my period arrived anyway. This became the basic routine. After a couple of years I learned in my research just how early you can actually take a pregnancy test depending on the brand. This led to a rather awful discovery. I was having miscarriages. A lot of miscarriages. So many I thought this can’t possibly be right! It wasn’t until 14 years down the road that I had a for sure medical answer. If you feel super curious you can read about the medical stuff here. There is also these post which talks about what we did to honor all the miscarriages here and here.

So there’s the background. My connection with Mormon Culture added so much pain to a journey that is painful for anyone. Church should bring solace but it did not. Church brought torture and judgment – and I’m not saying this to be dramatic. Truly it felt like torture.*

We were living in the boundaries of a ward that covered a lot of married student housing for much of the infertility years. I could never begin to count the times I was asked “When are you gonna have a baby?!?” The issues with that were covered well in this post here on Rational Faiths. If you haven’t read it, definitely do. I loved it.

I couldn’t begin to recall all the conversations I sat in the middle of but couldn’t participate. The times I sat awkwardly praying the subject would shift from child birth war stories or the daily motherhood struggles. I had to psych myself up just to walk into Relief Society. There were many weeks I just could not manage it. I would go hunt down my husband and beg him to take me home.

There were even Sundays when I walked in, saw the line of empty cars seats in the hall for sacrament meeting and turned to walk out. Yes, it’s true. There were so many babies that it was protocol for people to leave their car seats in the hallway. It made the chapel too crowded with them inside. That ward even had an invented calling: The New Baby Person. Their job was specifically to keep track of the babies that were being born. It was too much for one compassionate service leader to cover the babies and everything else.

I remember one Sunday standing outside of the Relief Society room. Doing my psych up routine. I had this brilliant idea to go sit in the middle of the older sisters. This could work, right? I could do this! They were just having normal conversation. It was great. And then one woman sort of gives me this… not kind look… and starts talking about her children. You know how sometimes you just sense the sort of hostility coming from a person? And they begin to compare child birth stories. Women in their sixties. Really? I left before Relief Society started. In tears.

I knew they thought I was childless by choice. I just knew. It has occurred me in later years that maybe she was just annoyed I invaded their space, their “older sisters” clique.

What if I was childless by choice though?!?! So what if I was! It’s called free will and Relief Society isn’t supposed to be an organization of mothers. It’s supposed to be for all women!

However I wasn’t childless by choice. I was having miscarriage after miscarriage. I just had no place there in that room. No one talked to me for a long time. I can look at it objectively. I know they didn’t know how to relate to me. Life in that room was centered on the raising of children. I know when the topic came up my sadness was palpable. No one wanted to talk about it but that left me very lonely.

I was called in to nursery. After about a month and an interview with the Relief Society President – I was released. That calling was also torture. My husband loved it though and he stayed in there for nearly two years. Leadership of the church on all levels: When you have people dealing with infertility, nursery might not be the best choice. I don’t know why that happens so frequently. I guess I see the logic but ASK FIRST. You could be doing damage sending an infertile couple in to take care of everyone’s children.

Eventually I was called as the Young Women’s president. I was 25. That was scary but is another story for another day! Sometimes while teaching lessons I told personal stories. The young women were a marvel. Kind and loving, generous of spirit, completely accepting. A balm my soul truly needed. They were kind without advice, loving without guile. I loved them so much. It spread to a few people in the ward. I also was asked to give a talk in Sacrament meeting and I just told everyone in my talk about the infertility – not the miscarriages. I thought maybe it would ease the topic. Free people to talk to me about it. In that time I had a couple women approached me. Women who had dealt with infertility at some point. They all had children by then though. We made friends with a few couples with no children but then they’d get pregnant and life would change for them.

I stopped making friends. Especially at church. I just went to school. I had friends at school and the freedom to just be myself. No questions asked. Out in the rest of the world being 25 and childless didn’t raise eyebrows! I got a BS in mathematics (I’m very proud of that part! Something extraordinary and productive!) I was often very depressed. Then the wards split. I slipped into inactivity when I was released because we were in new boundaries. I couldn’t bear to take the several years to again carve a place for myself in a culture where I had No Place.

We moved to another state. I was never very active in the social scene there but I did attend church more frequently. We went but I still didn’t really join the ward family. We adopted our first daughter there**. It was a wondrous time for me but my ward didn’t really care. My Relief Society President called me and actually said “you don’t need meals right? Since you didn’t actually give birth?” Oh glory. Kick to the gut. After all we’d been through. I may not have given birth but I’d just been through hell for years, driven across the country, spent ten days in a hotel room with a newborn baby, and driven back across the country again – with a newborn baby. I was beyond exhausted. Meals would have been greatly appreciated.

We adopted again 4 years later. Another state, stake, ward. I was very active there – in the Young Woman’s Presidency. I was at church every Sunday, teaching, helping, etc. My ward was at least excited when I brought her to church. That was really fun. But there were no meals. No help offered to me the way families with new babies are normally handled.

So here are my major points:

1. Talk to childless people at church – whether by choice or not. It’s not your judgment to make. It is no one’s business! Adults without children – they’re still people. They still want friends. They still want interaction. They still want a place within their church community. Not to be ostracized. Find other things to bond about.

2. Don’t make judgments about their worthiness to receive children in their home! Once someone told my sister I’d probably become a mother when I bettered my relationship with Christ. Can you imagine? The best part? She was dealing with infertility herself. That actually makes me sad. I hope she wasn’t being so hard on herself too.

3. Don’t saytrite things to people you know have infertility issues. Don’t make jokes. Don’t make light of it. Don’t tell them to relax! Don’t tell them “You’ll get pregnant. I’ll teach you how.” It’s not funny. Don’t say “It’ll happen. You’re young still.” It doesn’t matter if you’re 22 or 42 – it still is painful. Yes there are different concerns – no it doesn’t matter as far as you are concerned. Don’t say it. Don’t tell “those” stories – you know the ones I mean – my neighbor’s second cousin tried for 12 years and then was suddenly pregnant and now has 47 kids!” The hope is already killing us. We don’t need to hear this. Don’t give advice unless you’ve experienced infertility. Infertile people can speak the language to one another – usually without causing further pain. Don’t gossip about the infertility to other people.

Don’t complain about your children to childless couples. Don’t tell them how much fun they should be having while they don’t have children. Don’t say things like: “Oh you’ll know when you have kids. You’ll see. You don’t know what you’re getting into.” None of those. Say none of those things. Ever. Don’t tell us all the worst things and then think it’ll makes us feel better. We want the worst things. During my first child’s year even waking up in the middle of the night was exciting. There was nothing I didn’t love. Eventually I relaxed into it and I get the annoyance. A person just wants to sleep. I can complain with the best of them. But to an infertile/currently wanting children person? I would never.

If there are miscarriages involved, under no circumstances do you offer anything except for condolences and kindness. Don’t offer reasons. Don’t suggest it’s for the best. Don’t say there was something wrong with the baby. The reasons are for the couple to talk about. They are not yours to investigate or offer.

Under no circumstances say “You can just adopt!” There are many reasons why this is not okay. Moving towards adoption is a deeply personal process. It is invasive, long, difficult, and very expensive. Unless you’re dying to pay for an adoption yourself… In that case feel free to contact me. Heh.

4. Boundaries! Mormons. Listen – within our culture we have very little boundaries it seems. People will quickly ask questions that are not asked in polite company in the rest of the world.

I will say this is not a unique phenomenon. I have been part of weight loss groups and gone to conventions full of people focused on weight loss. Perfect strangers will walk up to you and say “So how much do you weigh? What was your starting weight?” Questions you would never ask outside of that subculture.

So within our subculture of Mormonism, we are very focused on families and building families and some how we seem to feel like it gives us permission to be insanely invasive.

Just stop. Stop being invasive. Stop. Stop. Stop. Don’t ask questions you don’t really need the answer to. Questions that are none of your business. Don’t ask anyone if their patriarchal blessing says they are going to have children. It’s. not. your. business. Yes – we are a ward family but it’s still not place.

5. Mother’s Day/Father’s Day Don’t forget them. Acknowledge them but don’t say “You’re already a mother/father.” or any form of that. It doesn’t help. Just be kind. Give a hug. A pat on the back. If we don’t come to church that day – don’t judge. Some years the pain was too much and some years it was okay.

I know if you’ve never dealt with infertility or even been close to someone who has, all of this can seem a little overwhelming. Just know I would have rather had people make errors than not talk to me at all. Loneliness sucks no matter what the trial. We are supposed to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. Don’t ignore each other.

This is a part of our culture that needs adjusted. Families are wonderful. Building a family is wonderful. But there are other things in life. We need to make a place for everyone. Six kids or no kids. We are all children of our Heavenly Parents. And we all have a place with them that should be reflected in the culture of our church.

Be good to each other.

The end.

Congratulations on making it this far!

*I clarify this because I have a flair for the dramatic… sometimes. Tell no one I’ve admitted to this. Just keep it between us, m’kay?

**Our adoption journey is another topic. A long, long topic and was a nearly 3 year wait the first time.

PS The video above is from an album called “Beloved Songs for a Mormon Child” put out by Brite Music. You can hear some of the other songs here. Including “I’m a Mormon. Yes I am.” Oh Glory. Just typing that has the song running in my head. Now I’m going to be singing it for days. Deseret Book carries it also.

Camille grew up all over the country. She calls Oklahoma and Wyoming her home places. She received her education at Ricks College and the University of Wyoming where she earned her BS in Mathematics. She currently lives in Castle Rock, CO.

127 Comments

EOR
on January 29, 2014 at 7:21 am

Oh Camille, my heart hurts for how you were treated when you needed love the most. I am glad you have those two little girls to snuggle with, but I honor you for getting through all the hard times it took to get there. The Church really is hard on women without children (by choice or circumstance). It is something that needs to change and quick. You’re right–the one thing we have in common is that we are all children ourselves of Heavenly Parents. Let’s try focusing on that for a change!

Camille, My heart aches for you and I really agree with you when you said that in the Mormon culture we ask questions that would not be appropriate in courteous society. I, like you, have been asked questions about why my children are not active in the church. These questions started with my family. There are days when I just smile and say that we believe in the church teaching that says that we have individual choices to make and that is how we raised our children. There are other days when asked that question that I look at the person asking and just respond with a question. I ask them why they would ask such a personal question! I guess I’m not as polite as you are. One other thing you said was that it took a long time to decide on adoption. Good for you. I’m sorry that you worry about that you grandchildren will not carry any of your genes, but I believe that God handles that. My mom and dad, after many years adopted three children, me, and a brother and sister. I am very much like my mother and my brother is very much like our dad. We had a younger sister, also adopted, who passed away as a very young adult. My mom and dad grieved for her until the day they died. Love comes with the child, not with the genes. I appreciate this article, not just because of your sadness of infertility, but for the way you were treated by people who are supposed to love you as a sister. Thank you.

You know, maybe it was the way I was raised or the fact that I grew up outside the Zion curtain but not once has it ever crossed my mind to wonder why someone does not have children or to ask them about it or to worry about it. My brother was married for 7-8 years before he and his wife had a child. Whether or not they even ended up having children never was a topic I worried about as my attitude is that is their business. This whole nonsense about a “full quiver” needs to stop. I have in my family a reasonable number of children but I have even received comments about “when are you going to have another one.” We’re not thank you very much! We are fine with our family and we are fine with anyone’s family. I think as members of the church we can do a lot to just be good to everyone around us. There is a reason a version of the golden rule appears in many religious texts. Universal truth that is rarely applied.

Oh my goodness I wish I could hug! I felt like this was written straight from my heart and soul! I’m laying here next to my two year old that I waited for 7 years to finally get and tears are streaming down my face. We became parents through adoption and I agree with every single word you wrote and lived it also!!
I found this post because someone shared it on Facebook. So I don’t know how long ago you wrote it but I am so grateful you did!
Even though I love my little boy with my entire heart and he means everything to me I still ache to be pregnant. I still get sad when everyone in my family, ward, friends are pregnant. And my ward treated us the exact same way. Except no one called or visited. They threw me a shower a month after he was born and invited people who had never even talked to me before.
Thank you again for writing this!!!!

Oh Brittney! I’m so glad that stuck a chord with you. As much as I don’t wish this journey on anyone, it’s always lovely to find connections with people who understand what you’ve been through. Hug that little man of yours!

Thank you. I couldn’t have written that. Too emotional still. I’m an old woman now. After 16 years of marriage and the loss of several babies (we were in our late 20s when we married) we discovered that the infertility problem was not with my body but with my husband’s body. It was a no fault situation, and we came through it and have been married forever. We did adopt children; that is another very difficult journey.

But all the experiences you mention are very real, and they hurt. I still hurt. Fifteen years after menopause I still hurt. I hurt when my grandchildren’s other grandmother talks about the physical characteristics “her” grandchildren inherited from herself and her husband. I hurt when my children want to know who their ancestors are, and birthparents won’t meet them, or when they don’t feel safe meeting birthparents. I hurt when people talk about family history in front of my children and how important it is. Adoption just makes the pain last longer, but I would never trade these children, not even for biological ones, not now. Never fitting. Never fitting. Never finding a place to fit and having to build a huge wall around your heart. No, the church is not a safe place for people who can’t bear children. I think the City of Enoch might be a safe place, but when will it come down?

Thank you. My heart aches for you and always does for young people who struggle with infertility.

I wasn’t actually sure if I could write it either! When Mike asked me it took me like a month or so to even start it. And then it took me several days to write it. I did a lot of crying and processing.

I have wondered before if it will bother me when my girls are having babies that no physical part of me is carried on. My mother is wonderful, wonderful with my girls but I know it’s fun for her to see my sister’s children have characteristics of hers. I have one nephew that has her exact mouth and it freaks me out a little. lol.

I’ve never gotten to talk to someone else farther in this journey. A good thing to prepare myself for.

I have people in my life who have opened my eyes in so many ways to this topic. I have tried all my life not to not pass judgement on others- not my place. I never ask any couple about having kids. For starters it is none of my business. I also don’t shut people out who don’t have kids. I am so sorry of the things that have happened. I gasped in disbelief at some of the things said to you. No one should ever be treated that way! Thank you for sharing your story.

i love you camille and i’m sorry i didn’t bring you a meal. i’m a dope. i love your wording of ‘the hope is already killing us.’ i don’t know the complete journey, since i have the girls from my first marriage, but i know the agony of infertility with doug. and as bad as it is for me, and at times i don’t even want to look at the world because it’s just hurt/anger…it’s worse for him. people assume that he’s fine. i mean, four people think of him as dad. but he doesn’t know fatherhood from the beginning. in restaurants, if there’s an older man having one of those family dinners, i cringe…want to leave…because i know he’s dying just a bit…knowing that it’ll never be him. he loves these four critters…he does…but he’ll never physical similarities in our grandchildren. and every stinkin’ month, even though i’m old enough and probably perimenopausal, it’s still…just bad. thank you for sharing. i hope i will be more aware…sorry again about the meals.

Not sure you will see this but I wanted to tell you from Leeds, a city in the North of England, you have literally written my heart. I’m a member 4 years into my marriage and have been trying for a couple of years. Several miscarriages, one blighted ovum and one ectopic pregnancy later, I’m no closer to understanding why this is happening but it is. Your experiences are remarkably similar to mine and I just wanted to thank you for your article and the perspective it has given me. After being told I can’t possibly understand anything to do with kids (despite a huge family, babysitting business, a child development degree and a teaching career)because I’m not a mother, it’s nice to have you batting for our team. Thank you.

Hi Kate! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I want to reach across the ocean and hug you tight. So tight. Solidarity to you from over here. That’s all I’ve got. Just remember you’re not alone – I think that was always the worst of it for me. But you’re not alone. And if you don’t have yourself a rocking support system while you go through this – you can shoot me an email if you want!

Oh how my heart ached for you as I read this. I had 2 miscarrages (1 was before I joined the church) I felt that I had let down my husband. All my friends where having babies. Why me? WHat had I done so wrong? I was blessed in the end with 3 beautiful children (I had a son from a former marrage) but it taught me not to judge and especially not to ask a newly married couple if they are expecting yet. I do feel this should be mentioned more in Church services

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve haven’t been able to attend church regularly for the past 3 years because of this. As soon as people find out that I’m in my 30’s, have been married for 4 years and don’t have children they treat me like a pariah. My mother drops hints constantly that God is absolutely dying to bless me with babies, but I’m not righteous enough because I don’t go to church regularly. I can’t even sit through sacrament meeting with my husband anymore because he’s so desperate to be a dad he spends the entire time making faces at babies, pointing babies out to me, and asking people if he can hold them. It’s all too much.

Oh it’s so hard when your husband and you are handling that in a different way! You should find out if they can put him in nursery like they did mine! It was so good for him. He learned all kinds of skills in the two years he hung out in there and it made the time easier for him – it just was super bad for *me* to be in there.

Many hugs – being in the place where you are (in this journey) is so painful.

Thank you so much for this post. I’m glad I stumbled across it. While my experiences were different from yours I could still relate to sooo much of what you said! I just kept nodding my head at it all, over and over again. I wish infertility wasn’t such a taboo topic. So many women struggle and feel alone. I know I did for so many years. I never had any idea how many other women could relate to what I was going through – even in the church. I am so glad you wrote this post, and I heartily agree with all your suggestions. I hope you don’t mind if I also provide a link to a blog post I wrote a while back about my own experiences with infertility:http://www.thefledglingstale.com/2013/06/the-silent-pain-of-infertility.html

This is something I’m very passionate about. I’ve been married a year and a half and not only do we not have any kids yet, we don’t plan on having kids for at least another year maybe more. I can’t tell you how chastised I feel for not having kids yet. The thing is, it’s absolutely no one’s business but yours and your spouse. Asking someone about having kids is as personal as asking how often you and your spouse make love. And a lot of Mormons don’t get that. It’s so in our culture to have kids right away that they think it’s normal to just ask about it because they think every newly wed couple should be willing and ready to start popping them out! There was a woman in my parent’s ward who had a hysterectomy at a very young age due to some health issues. She bore her testimony in sacrament and stated that she couldn’t have kids. Once she sat down several people went up after her and expressed “I’m sure if you have enough faith, you will be able to have the children you want.” Ugh! Such narrow mindedness! I’m so glad you posted this, my heart really goes out to you. We preach nonjudgmental behavior but sometimes I feel like we are some of the most judgmental people out there. Thank you for sharing!

“It is invasive, long, difficult, and very expensive.” rang true to us.

One key point about the difficulty is that the birth parents may change her mind about keeping the baby or giving it to another family. There is already a certain amount of anticipation and that change of heart can be a sucker punch. In our case, she didn’t even let us know about the change of heart. The notifications just stopped coming. Pretty tough…

Between the invasiveness and the one time of having a birth mother change her mind without telling us, it was too much to handle.

We had a failed adoption too. I didn’t want to put all that in this infertility post because it’s another world. And one that is just so hard to describe.

I’m so sorry for your current experiences. Most people just don’t understand and it’s really hard for them to relate to the hope and then the let down attached to trying to adopt! There’s no good corollary.

I recently learned in chatting with my 2nd daughter’s birthmother that we were the 37th family she talked to! She told me how awful she felt with each family when she just knew they weren’t right – not “the ones”. My heart just ached for each of those families. Hoping and then being disappointed.

Thank you for putting so eloquently what we have suffered for years. Even after (as we say to try to put a light face on our years of infertility) 2 from a catalogue and 2 from a DIY kit, 30 years down the road, the pain of the insensitivity of church leaders and family members still aches, especially when I see a young couple just starting this road. Even though I have always been an active member, I have always preferred non-church social activity with people who are respectful and courteous of all personal topics. Thank you for your comments about boundaries! They should be required reading for RS and all leaders and families of newlyweds! Never again to hear “you aren’t doing your duty as a wife in Zion” or “being in the Primary will encourage your motherly nature” (won’t quote family comments). Thank you!

I hate seeing people just start on infertility too. I want to reach into their lives and take the pain back out – or at least soften it, buffer them some how.

The only thing harder than my own journey was specifically watching my sister deal with infertility. She’s my baby sister and I wanted to say her from it SO much. At least she’s done with that now. Oy.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It is too painful for me to share my own feelings about this with others, and most people do not understand, anyway, unless they’ve gone through it themselves.
Just wanted to say that my own experience wasn’t as much about judgement from others as about me judging myself. (Although I have been regularly excluded from groups of women my own age because I wasn’t a mommy.) For 8 years I waited to have my own children and be a mother, but due to my husband’s choice, medical issues, and a miscarriage, it wasn’t happening. I was happy for the women who are mothers enjoying Mother’s Day, but I never went to church on that day myself because I got tired of sitting in my seat and quietly sobbing. I felt strongly that I wasn’t being blessed with children because I somehow ‘wasn’t good enough’ and that God just didn’t care about me, even though I attended the temple regularly, and even though I saw many women around me with not-so-perfect lives having babies. I too have been blessed to serve in Young Women, and doing so helped me find a place where otherwise I had none and to realize that God does love me.
I am now expecting my first child, but I don’t brag about it online. I am healing slowly from the pain and negativity that I felt, but I will always love and empathize with women who struggle with infertility issues and completely agree with the major points you listed about how to approach and be sensitive to us.

Except the part where you had a successful adoption, and our attempts have failed, this is my story almost exactly. When our adoption failed and we lost our child it was the hardest thing i could evee imagine going through and aside from very close family no one even took notice of our pain. I felt more isolated than ever. My husband and i will probably never have children (including through adoption, we still haven’t healed), it is iincredibly difficult to relate to and make friends with other women in the church and to find the strength to keep going. Thank you for thia post, it really touched me. Sometimes i think i am the only lonely person in the world and that no one understands, it’s nice to know that i am not alone.

I hope you don’t feel alone about that. We had two failed (before placement) adoptions, and I felt them intensely. I KNEW those babies were supposed to be ours.

I have learned something in all my years. If you don’t face the pain when it is happening, it will come back to haunt you, so you are being wise to face it now.

I’m on the other side, with grandchildren and adult children who have all the issues adult children have with adoption thrown in–
it’s not the most terrible thing in the world to say, “this is enough; I can’t do this”–
I sometimes wish I had. I would never, ever urge anyone to adopt–not now.

I love my children–
I won’t say ‘but’ here–
and I never dreamed that the hardness of it all wouldn’t go away; if I’m not suffering, they are. Just an added measure of pain to go on top of being mortal already.

I’m quite sure that doesn’t make sense. I have at least one child who is SO absolutely beautiful in every possible way who sometimes reads this blog and will recognize my voice. I want this beautiful person to know that I am grateful she is in my life, but (there’s that word) I wish that she hadn’t had to suffer the pains of being adopted. 🙁
And yet I am SO glad she was born. And that I got her. Life is just really tough.

Hey there – we had one failed situation too. She was actually matched with four families I guess but then she kept the baby. She even flew out to meet us (from Chicago to Boise) and stayed in a hotel near us. Met my family, etc. For several days. Sigh.

That was an incredibly painful experience. There isn’t anything quite like it. And explaining it to people is nigh unto impossible.

My heart aches for you. For anyone who deals with that. Hugs. I hope you find peace with where your journey takes you.

8 years and counting for my husband and I. It is so true about the comments that can cause so much pain. Being left out of most activities because they are afraid to invite a childless person. Awkward silence when you enter conversations. I was once told after I asked for help from the relief society for a struggle I was having that this ward only helps women after childbirth. It’s very lonely in this church for childless couples. I wish more was done to help those who struggle with this but most of what we get is judgement, silence and loneliness. After my last miscarriage I couldn’t bear to sit in sacrament meeting or relief society. The pain was too fresh. Pushing adoption and judging people who haven’t adopted is probably the absolute worst part of sharing out struggle. Of course we would love any child but the cost of adoption is outrageous, and that is after you are lucky enough to be chosen. I love to see people sharing their stories and giving hope to those of us feeling so isolated in a place where we should just be loved like everyone else. Keep spreading the word. Maybe some day I might get a happy ending too.

I needed to hear this, and thank you. I’m in a situation, being an older adoptive mother, where people just assume that I will ‘push’ adoption, and far from it, I won’t. I refuse to.

I’m so grateful young people are waking up to the fact (where we older ones didn’t) that being childless isn’t a terrible thing, especially if the spirit doesn’t strongly prompt adopting.
The pressure to adopt in our case was intense. My husband refused to let me consider it. And there were family members who hadn’t considered the ramifications who thought that adopting would make everything “all right”. Thank goodness I did receive confirmation that I was doing the right thing with all of my children–

but an older relative who was no longer around when I adopted had warned me of the heartaches involved. Hers was the only voice that did. And now I find comfort from that.

story of my life (except for the adoptions part). just 1 IVF baby, and a failed foster-adoption, and now allowing HF’s plan for me to NOT have kids make a place in my life (it took me 10+ years to accept his will, but I did it). Praying for everyone to find His will for you!

I am so grateful that you could put these thoughts into actual words, no matter how many times I tried to express my feelings, I would just get angry and frustrated with all these “well intentioned” sisters. I love them but am still annoyed at their insensitivity. My heart joins all of these beautiful women who have previously commented, I have lived your/their story too. My fear is that only the infertile women will read this your story and not the “regular” woman, who really needs to hear it.
Thank you for sharing, it helps the healing.

You’ve just said everything I’ve been wanting to scream into the pulpit. Thank you so much for showing me there are other people out there that feel like I do. I sent this to my family (because families can be the worst sometimes). Thank you so so much!

Once I moved from a married, university ward, and went to a family ward I felt much more comfortable. The reason I forced my husband to change wards was because their was entirely to many babies in our ward. No matter what the Relief Society topic always went back to having and raising a family. When we were in that ward it was fresh and raw so I couldn’t take it so I stopped going to church. Of course when I did go I would get the dirtiest looks, and I had family in the ward and they were the worst ones. No one understands and they always act like they are doing what they think is best. I had my two precious baby girls in foster care for a year, we were told we would get to adopt them mind you, and two days after my 3-year-olds birthday they were moved to a family member. Nothing can prepare you for that heartache. I felt like everything inside of me turned off and I would never be the same. My ward was so supportive, as was my family and I am beginning to move on. I love your article. I especially love when people say, “stop trying and that is when it will happen.” SERIOUSLY, people are so ignorant, and I try to let it roll of my back. I was “that girl” too! I always planned on 10 kids , and always babysat. Seriously thank you for this article!

Thank you for the beautiful story. Also a Morman women, but has struggled with church for many years but still go knowing it is right and I will find my answers.
I have also felt the pain of going to church Sunday after Sunday and feeling so alone. Sometimes I wish I could just have a friend who likes me for me and all my blemishes.

Thank you for sharing this. I am sad that you experienced such a lack of compassion from your wards in the past. I was enlightened by your “things not to say to people who are experiencing infertility”, but I was wondering what te best thing to say would be? Nothing? Just saying I’m sorry? These topics are very sensitive and I would hate to give someone a punch in the gut without even knowing I am causing them pain. Thank you for sharing your story! 🙂

Hi Amber – you’re so sweet. The problem with the “right” things are that it depends on the individual. The things I’ve listed above are sort of the universal hurts – if that makes sense.

The most important thing I think is to find other things to bond with people about. I love being a mother and sometimes I get so wrapped up in the day to day that I forget to take care of and nurture all the other parts of myself. So I totally get why it happens. Mothering can be all encompassing. But it’s good for us to step outside of it and remember ourselves and it will be good for the people around us who aren’t in the throes of mothering – who are maybe even dealing with infertility.

So mostly – just be a friend. Ask them things. Find out what they do with their time. Bond about something else you have in common. Have lunch. Invite them over. Just be friends.

And ask – each thing that will be the most comforting will be individual. I wanted people to talk to me. I’m a talker. A social person. I just wanted to be part of the group in Relief Society. To feel like I was valued for what I could contribute, kwim?

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this pain and heartache. Two of my sisters in law have had fertility issues, and I’ve been through a miscarriage myself. It sucks. It’s hard. I can’t imagine having to go through many! May I just offer up an idea; maybe the reasons why people didn’t talk to you about it is because they had no idea what to say! Articles like this say a lot of don’t say this, don’t say that, which leaves me feeling like I’ll offend no matter what I say or do-therefore just say or do nothing. I understand that the purpose of this article was to educate people on how others are feeling, and I’m glad that you’ve shared it with us! I definitely agree with a lot of it. It, however, scares me into not saying anything at all now, because at least before when I tried to show love and compassion, it was sincere. Now, I’m so worried about offending someone with fertility issues that I’m afraid it’ll come off robotic and rehearsed because I’m so worried about all the many things I’m not supposed to be saying too.

My thoughts exactly Amber! I’m SO worried about saying the wrong thing, I often don’t say anything! And the worst is when I get pregnant, with family members around us struggling with fertility issues, I end up feeling SO guilty! And in that case I have no idea what to say or do, I just feel like a big, pregnant, reminder of what they can’t have!

I agree with Amber and I also understand where you’re coming from. We struggled with infertility for a few years, and I was finally blessed with my first child, but not until I was 30. (Ancient by Mormon and my family’s standards!) And then, we only had 2 kids, and it was like, “That’s it? Aren’t you going to get pregnant again?” But here’s the thing, throughout those years of struggling for a baby, I heard a lot of those same comments and questions, and while I see how some of them could be difficult to hear, don’t let them get to you. I have probably been the person asking these questions, too- you’ve got to know that we mean no harm, but feel free to politely tell us when we’ve hurt you. Please! I hear so many women, Mormon women especially, rant about something that has been hurting them for years, when the people doing the hurting had absolutely no idea. Tell us what we CAN do. Let us know how we can help, what we can say. But thank you for sharing your experience. It was very helpful to hear, and comforting to many. I hope your ward(s) will continue or begin to show you love, sensitivity, friendship, and compassion no matter your circumstances.

BVON – Ya it’s a lot easier now to look back and be able to verbalize the needs I had then. When you’re dealing with this it’s so painful and so “raw open wound” that it’s hard to set aside the pain and come up with the words.

The ward I’m in now is fantastically compassionate. I wish I’d been here during those early years!

I so appreciate your blog! It is good to know what you are feeling! I know I’ve said the wrong thing more than most!!!Not intentionally! Just because “I didn’t get it!” Thanks for shedding more light on the ‘wrong things to say’! I’ll have to ponder how to hand things better!!

My daughter is going through this as well! She is teaching me a lot! I think even with that, sometimes I say the wrong things! I love you for sharing your deep tender feelings with us. It really helps!!

Thanks for this post. I am sorry for the heartache you had to pass through. I do have a question though as a mother of 5 kids. How do you help the woman who is so convinced she’s being judged even when she’s not? I for one don’t find it any of my business how many children a couple have yet I have had experiences where women were so convinced I was judging them just based on the fact I have 5.

I am thankful for your insights and experience. My husband and I knew of a long battle that lay ahead of us before we got married. However, that doesn’t make the pain hurt. Because I of course am familiar with the stigmatization that occurs to those without children. I worry if my kids will ever be able to have a normal relationship with me. I worry if they will be accepted as part of the extended family. I worry if my choices will be questioned as if choosing to adopt is a sin. Fortunately I haven’t been married too long and this hasn’t become a problem yet. I am not excited for that time when my inability to have children will become my scarlet letter. I am glad to know that there are others like me out there.

Even for people who give birth – That baby may be instantly loved but he/she is also a stranger. And you have to spend time getting to know that baby.

It’s the same with adoption. I loved my girls before I ever saw or held them. I loved the idea of them, the same way women do while they’re pregnant.

I have friends who have adopted and have biological children and they are consistent in their responses on this topic. There is no difference in how they feel about their children. At all. The love is the same. And you can’t not love a baby that you take care of and nurture and know everything about as you watch them grow into people.

Thanks for sharing, this was a great read! I am not Mormon my fb friend is, I was raised Catholic. By Catholic I mean Catholic school nuns Virgin Mary shrines and all. My husband and I struggled with infertility for 8 years. Catholic Family Services conducted our homestudy and questioned us on fertility treatments because they are against some of them. After our adoption fell through (because the country we were adopting from did not agree to a new treaty with the United States), we decided to try fertility treatments again. Happy to say I have a healthy toddler after 6 months of treatments and surgery. I was shocked to find out I was pregnant last fall! We were crushed when found out there was no heartbeat. I began to have my miscarriage at home only to learn a week later it was incomplete. I fought with my doctor another 5 days for a D&C to prevent infection and possibly worse complications. I was refused, I then called my fertility doc and got an emergencey D &C that night! I didn’t know the unwritten rule with my Catholic hospital that they won’t do D&C proceedues…well not until its life threatening. I think Catholuc and Jewish women also feel shame and guilt for their infertilty. I now feel angry and betrayed by my own faith. The irony in all of this is my fertility doc is Catholic. Church is the one place e should be able to find peace and comfort and not to be judged. Congrats on your adoptions! I know it is a painful amount of work. Trust me labor pain was nothing compared to the pain and frustration of the adoption process. God bless! Let me add I never felt betrayed by God, only by people speaking on his behalf. People would say its God’s plan and to accept it. That made me angry with God which made me hate life. Then I spoke with God myself and felt relief when I came to believe he was sad that I was sad and he would never choose anything to hurt me. I decided he was there for me, not standing in the way of what I wanted. He was there to walk beside me.

stephanie: Let me add I never felt betrayed by God, only by people speaking on his behalf. People would say its God’s plan and to accept it. That made me angry with God which made me hate life. Then I spoke with God myself and felt relief when I came to believe he was sad that I was sad and he would never choose anything to hurt me. I decided he was there for me, not standing in the way of what I wanted. He was there to walk beside me.

Stephanie – Thank you so much for sharing your story with me! And that above quote… That is absolutely beautiful. I can’t think of anything more wonderful!

wow all this is truly brill!!!!!!!!!!!!I had f.probs for 4 years then after surgery was very blessed to have 6 kids ,now my daughter too has waitd 5 years fior a much wanted baby(due in may)so I never years ago thought I would be glad I had had prolems all those years ago,BUT IM AM!because had I not of had that sad time I could never have a clue how my daughter and so many other dear sisters feel.i DO .AND I GET IT,I PRAY FOR THEM OFTEN TO THIS DAY WHOEVER THEY ARE AND WHEREVER THEY ARE.love to you and the girls who are blessed to call you mum.(or mom as you say it)xx.

I think its incredibly important to be supportive of people whatever trial they are facing. I haven’t had fertility issues, but i most certainly have had bitterly painful trials that the ‘stereo-typical’ mormon most likely has not had to face. We all walk a lonely path at times. Sometimes other people help us in the way we would like to be helped. Sometimes other members say the thing we need to hear. And sometimes they don’t. Ultumately we have to choose where we put our faith. For me this blog would have been a bit more faith promoting and inclusive if it was a little less critical of other people, and less assumptive of what every other fertile mormon apparently is like! I’m sure they despise being incorrectly judged just as much as yourself. The Good Lord is there for us at the end of the day, and sometimes he is the only one. My heart sincerely goes out to all mothers still awaiting their opprtunity. But lets replace judgement with kindess and love on all sides 🙂

So as I read this article I had mixed emotions. Some were compassion and others were honestly defensive. I have not had problems with infertility and like you discribe in this post. I have had one fairly dramatic miscarriage that was a close call for me. But otherwise very healthy pregnancies. I don’t know if you realized it but you gave some mixed messages I’ll paraphrase “talk to childless women struggling with infertility” and also “but not about kids or mothering or basically anything that is on your mind 24/7” I’m sorry, but that is what I DO all day every day. Of coarse I am going to talk to about it to every one. I have other interest yes. But how can I make good friends with someone I’m not allowed to talk about my day to? I am sorry that other women cast judgement on the infertile for their lack if kids. I think of the examples in the bible of obviously righteous women who were barren most of their lives and had given up hope of ever having kids in a society that was about a million more times predjuduced agianst infertile women. I know that having children is not a question of righteousness and to assume so is ignorance. I do try to be considerate when I know infertility is an issue with a sister. But when I’m 8 months pregnant I’m a walking symbol of what she can’t have, I feel for her but from what your saying I should go up to her and talk to her but not about anything related to my pregnancy, kids, and basically anything about myself and my daily life. I have to admit reading this has increased my anxiety about talking to women who I know struggle with this. Now I’ll feel like I’m resented for being myself. And I can’t relate. Now I feel like I can’t talk I them for fear of making them feel bad. Its a rock an a hard place. “Talk to me! ” you say, “just know that I am incredibly hurt that I can’t have what you have and at any time you may slip and talk about what you do and love and make me feel bad and that will cause me to go inactive and lose my testimony. ” either your happy for women who are able to have kids or you resent them. You can’t have it both ways. Yes, people who do not have children should not be judged or questioned but it works both ways. You should not resent me for loving it, living it and wanting to talk about it.

First – I’m not sure what I said had to do with resenting “you” – aka all fertile people?

And actually – I absolutely can have it both ways. I rejoiced with friends when they got pregnant and then I went home and sobbed. I did that over and over again. I can have waring feelings about that – and many other topics.

Second – I am a mother also. I could talk about my children all.day.long. They’re AMAZING.

HOWEVER – it is not the whole of who I am. I was someone before they were born and I still am someone outside of being their mother. I can talk about the gospel, the rest of my life, politics, books, other religions, TV shows, etc.

I’m not saying you can’t talk about your children ever! That’s crazy. But if your desire is to make friends with someone who is dealing with infertility (which is definitely something I presumed in this post) – you aren’t going to be able to just walk up to them and bond about motherhood. You have to find other things to bond about.

If you’re only desire is to have someone listen to you talk about your children… don’t talk to them. Hopefully someone else will be able to comfort them as they mourn.

There is a time and a season for everything and maybe right now – while you’re so deeply entrenched in motherhood that you don’t have anything else to talk about – is not your time or season to help or comfort the infertile people around you.

I said in one of the other comments too I think – I had friends that were having babies as I was going through this – and OF COURSE – we talked about their children. My point in this post is that you can’t open with that. You can’t initiate a friendship based on that. It must be about something else.

I have friendships now that are steeped in motherhood. And they’re wonderful, wonderful friendships. I still treasure the ones built on other things though – they have endured though births, deaths, marriages, divorces and all manner of tragedies.

As far as feeling anxious – be kind to yourself. Do it when you can. Like I said – a time and a season.

Thank you for writing this. You Said it perfectly!! It felt like you were writing it about me. The miscarriages, nursery calling, feeling and being judged , inactivity…. Although my ending was different I still feel very blessed.

Excellent article. We suffered infertility for seven years before our son came to us and a lot of your experiences are things we endured. (Including being in the nursery, i loved it, she couldn’t bear it.) I come from a big family (seven kids, of which I’m the oldest) and we had seven cousins we grew up with. Then when i married the youngest of her family I was an instant Uncle and cherished that title. My in- laws were all happily surprised that their kids took to me like they did. For those seven years they took some (not all) of the sting of infertility away. Even though we have our son, we don’t forget where we came from and reach out to those members without children, by choice or not. There is a Sister in our ward who was never able to have children and we try to make sure she sees our son every Sunday and gets to interact with her and she absolutely loves it. (She’s told us it helps her.)

I always appreciate reading things that open my eyes to the struggles of others. This helps me to be kinder and to know how to say the right things. I just ask that you please go easy on the people you felt were judging you, especially your Relief Society president who said the wrong thing. I’m a Relief Society president and I’m terrified of someone carrying around some stupid thing I said once. She was wrong, but she also didn’t know how to handle the situation. Much like many people who encounter people who are struggling with different challenges. Again, I so appreciate reading your experience, and it will help me in my calling. The more you share, the better people will treat those dealing with infertility. But please be patient with your leaders. They are humans dealing with their own struggles that are also not understood well. And they are also unfairly judged quite often.

Rebecca – Absolutely! All our leaders from top to bottom are just fallible human beings. I’m not harboring any anger at either of those RS Presidents. It just is what it is. My only hope is that people will read this and remember when that situation arises to take some meals or whatever. Looks like mission accomplished. 😉

I DO think its so rude for people to ask childless couples why they don’t have children (whether in or out of the church) but I found this woman’s issues with “not feeling included/left out” in Relief Society a little nauseating. Maybe I’m being insensitive but the words ‘”cry me a river…” kept coming to my mind. It almost seemed like she was looking to be offended. I know 3 (older) childless women in our ward and they have never acted like they felt like less of a woman or a part of R.S. for not having children. They are AMAZING women that add so much to our ward. Maybe she was just in some really lame wards? I don’t think its fair to make a blanket statement about the entire culture of the church based on her bad experiences in a couple of wards. I agree that she shouldn’t have to explain why she’s childless but maybe if she had spoken up sooner (instead of waiting until her talk in sacrament) she wouldn’t have had so many people asking her why she didn’t have children? My friend has been struggling with infertility for over 7 years and she’s been open about it in our ward & R.S. And has had the complete opposite experience of this woman. I get really frustrated with people that don’t speak up then immediately get offended when someone (with terrible manners-granted) is curious & asks them a reasonable question. 95% of the time it’s not intentional or meant to be offensive. There will always be those who have terrible manners & are completely clueless on etiquette & socially appropriate questions. We ALL have to deal with people like that… I know I certainly have. Her tips were informative but personally I don’t think she said anything that any reasonably well mannered person shouldn’t already know. We could all stand to be more sensitive, understanding of one another’s struggles….whether infertile or not. We all have personal issues that if we allow them to, can leave any of us feeling left out. I felt like this woman wanted the world to throw her a pity party, I didn’t like that.

Wow. I like how you talk about “this woman” as if you aren’t talking to me. This wasn’t written about “someone else” I wrote it about myself.

Does it help you to be that cold-hearted if you talk about me like I’m someone else?

You’re rude.

And just fyi – I didn’t WANT a pity party. I had sixty something miscarriages but I NEVER asked for a pity party. I did however want to be included. I didn’t want to go around talking about my infertility because it was RAW and PAINFUL with every single miscarriage. I don’t like to cry to people I don’t know very well. So I avoided the subject when I could. Pardon me for not laying all my vulnerability at the feet of people I don’t know.

You know. I’ve written more to you & then erased it. If you’re as coldhearted as your comment appears to be, I’m wasting my time. You’re exactly the kind of person people dealing with infertility should just avoid.

I owe you an apology. My response was actually cut and copied from a comment thread a friend of mine posted to you link on Facebook (that’s why I had said ‘this woman’). I couldn’t sleep last night & was on Facebook reading things my friends had shared-that’s how I stumbled across your blog post. Anyway, I realize now I should not have repeated that comment directly to your blog post. Sometimes we forget that our virtual presence online is connected to real people with real feelings. I don’t know what I was thinking posting that comment directly to your site-I’m going to blame my thoughtlessness on insomnia. I can see how my remarks would feel very cold hearted and for that I am sorry. I’m not at my best when I’m up late unable to sleep, I should probably refrain from posting ANY comments anywhere. Please accept my apology.

I am sincerely sorry for your struggles with infertility. Just so you don’t think I’m a cold hearted person I want to explain that I’m a survivor of a very abusive childhood (sexual as well as mental & emotional). As a result of that I’m not always as compassionate as I should be when people complain about “their” hardships. It doesn’t make it right for me to minimize what you’ve been through. Everyone’s trials are difficult to them & I should have been more sensitive to that. I wish you the best, I think your post was well intentioned, it just rubbed me the wrong way but I should have kept my feelings to myself. I feel bad that I hurt you.

Wow Andria – It’s incredibly kind of you to come back and tell me that. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that.

I have some of the same issues in my childhood & given all these other things I absolutely understand the instinct to kind of want to roll your eyes when other people are going on about something. Heh.

My wife was recently asked to play Hannah as part of a Young Women activity – you know the woman that didn’t have children… I was so angry ( and I don’t get angry very easily ) I was going to pick up the phone to make some phone calls… People we’re going to hear how I felt. I told my wife she didn’t have to do it. That it was okay to say no. She assured me it would be okay. long story short she cried at the very start of her part through the entire thing… She felt embarrassed, sad – some women comforted her. My wife is amazing. Sometimes I think to myself how much of a better mother she would be than others 🙂 and she would… It is hard. Thanks for sharing your story…

The comments you made that lead me to think you resented fertile women were throughout your post. I have 2 sisters who are unmarried and past 30 in the church. And while I know each wants to be a wife and mother neither has been able to have that. But at the same time they have not gone inactive over it either. I assume it would take very strong negative feelings to stay away from church. That is what I see as resentment. I am glad that, from what I can see in your post, you worked through it. But a lot of the advice you gave to people like me was mixed. You said to be inclusive and open but also to exclude a huge part of who I am. The best thing I did take away from what you said was to be sure to offer help to mothers who adopt as if they had been the birth mother. That was a perspective that I am glad to have seen. But I also thought ” if she needed help why didn’t she Ask?” People in the church are more then willing to help. The way you wrote it, it sounds like you suffered in silence and then resented others for not reading your mind about your struggles. My advice you would have been to be honest! If your RS prez calls and asks if you need help even though you didn’t give birth say “YES!” She obviously didn’t know what you needed. Did she use the best tact in that question? No, but if you had been honest and said “Actually, yes I have been struggling” she would have gotten you some meals. No need to suffer and resent. The whole underline tone of this post was resentful. I don’t know if you realized it but, that’s how it came off to me. and being very close to my sisters and have cried with them over their lack of children and husbands I just get irrated at you for not being happy you’re married! I want that SO badly for my sisters and they don’t have it. And there is nothing I can do to give it to them. Then I read this and think “She couldn’t stand going to church because so many women were having babies?” I’m sorry but that sounds like big time resentment. I’m not saying you kept that resentment and that you still carry it around with you. I don’t know you that well. But this post does, at least, show that you struggled majorly with it in that past. And the advice you gave on what to say to the motherless at church only made me feel like shouldn’t even try to talk to them because there is no way I can even relate to or comfort them. While that’s not true because I do have close friends who struggle with this as well as my single sisters and I do just fine with them. But your post did make me terrified to talk to women I don’t know in church and build new friendships, because what if my common place ( in our church) questions and conversation drive her away from church? what if I start to feel comfortable enough with her to ask more personal questions like “do you have children?” And I hurt her feelings? I am an out going person who has as my friends call it “instah love” (instant love) for other people and some times that has lead me to be too comfortable too soon. I already stress about the kind of thing you talk about and now I’m reading at the mere sight of my baby seat might repel women without children from church. It makes me feel like I should shrivel up and blow away because me having kids is hurting others. And then that gets my back up. And then I wonder why it’s my problem when I and doing my best to keep the commandments by having children? Even though it’s hard and expensive and requires sacrifice. Shouldn’t women who can’t or won’t have kids just be honest about it and be happy for those who want to and can?

You can be irritated at me for not being happy I’m married if you want to but my Schizoaffective husband of 16 years just lost his mind and left me.

You’re reading an awful lot in between my words. More than I really care to address. You’ve obviously already made up your mind.

I didn’t ask you to shrivel up and blow away. Not anything close. Asking pregnant people to hide is ridiculous – and again not something I even came close to suggesting.

So here’s another one for you – Don’t tell people “it could be worse” in any trial. People don’t want to hear that crap and it’s not actually comforting.

But hey – at least I have my children now even if I’m divorcing, eh?

Your response to my story is just that – your response. You’re putting entirely too much of it on my words. You should look to yourself to find out why your reaction is to take on the responsibility to shrivel up and blow away when no such thing was suggested.

Thank you for writing this! My husband and I tried for 5 years to start our family. Then we tried for about 3 years to adopt. Every answer from prayers told us it wasn’t the right time to adopt and to stop pursuing it. We don’t know why and we have found peace with it but it is hard to tell other people. They just say random comments that they think we want to hear. I have walked out if Relief Society many times as well. It is hard in the Mormon culture to be married for 9 years and not have any children. I guess that is where our faith comes in to help us. Thanks for the article.

That’s my whole point. That I can’t use the advice you’re giving because it is a mixed message. I don’t get your point of the blog unless it’s to tell fertile women that you at one point resented them and that we need to be sure not to offend others with our enthusiasm for having children. So yes, I’ll admit that. I don’t get your point. Your blog doesn’t speak to me. I’m glad other people like it but I wanted to put my 2 cents in that It just made me feel worse because I can’t relate and you pretty much said if you can’t relate, don’t even try. That is what I took from your post. I’m sorry you don’t like what I read between the lines but, you put this up for everyone to see. Not everyone is going to see what you want.

Camille,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this article. I can personally relate to this on so many different levels. I was completely and utterly shocked that on this very site (RationalFaiths.com) I found an article posed just the other day by someone else that was the complete antithesis of your viewpoints, whereby going to prove EXACTLY what you explain in your article.

Thank you for sharing your story. It was a very important reminder of how we need to treat one another with so much more kindness and compassion. I cannot even begin to imagine the heartache you have suffered from so many miscarriages. I am so very sorry.

This is so familiar because we went through such similar things! I never was pregnant, so never had to endure miscarriages. Just infertility. Seventeen years and one failed adoption later(birth father took our first one back after five months….devastating), we FINALLY adopted our first, and four years later, our second. So many things I could say, but I soooo relate to everything you said. If a fact, I wrote some very similar things on my blog, including one that was seven things NOT to say to an infertile couple or a couple waiting to adopt. I always hate the “I know just how you feel” statement, so now I will say I can really, really relate! Thanks for the great post.

Oh, and I meant to say that when I was deep in the thick of even more fertility treatment and well into my thirties, another member asked if i had kids. I just said no, not feeling in the mood to go into the details as to why. And she said, and it quote “Ooohhhhhh, all those little spirits up in heaven just waiting to come down….” Yeah…..

Thank you so much for saying what so many of us are afraid to say. We were married for 10 years before adopting out daughter. I went through many of your same struggles. I pretty much shut myself off from others and it was very lonely. When we moved into our new ward about 3 years ago, we were pretty much invisible. Nobody even got our info to have our records transferred for about 3 months. It was really hard. But when we adopted our daughter, we were amazed at the support we got. At first I didn’t want anything because I felt like I didn’t deserve it, but I finally did accept meals and a baby shower. We were very blessed and I feel lucky for that. It is still very hard to be around pregnant people and people do say dumb things sometimes. I just take it one day at at time and thank God every day for a beautiful little girl to help me get through it. Mother’s Day is still very hard for me. I don’t feel worthy of it. I hope more people can see this and understand that we all have our own journeys and it’s ok.

I’m nearing 40, and single. It’s becoming more and more likely I won’t ever have children. (I have neither the time nor the money to be a single mom.) Since the absolute jaw-dropping ridiculousness of some people’s comments have nearly killed me, I just stopped talking to people. I go to church, but I don’t get involved. I don’t make friends. I don’t go to activities. I have a couple of friends there, but we’re not close. And I know it’s not HALF as bad as it would be if I lived in Utah. Yes, it’s lonely, all the more so because my family lives far away. I will not join them, because they do live in Utah. I just cope the best way I know how.

I am now going through a divorce and it’s a very interesting process to start seeing some of the oddities of also being single within our culture.

From what I’ve read and heard it sounds like it’s very similar to dealing with infertility – except that you’re also doing it with no partner/listening ear.

“I just cope the best way I know how.”

That is exactly it right there. We’re all doing that, right? If we go from day-to-day and remember that we are each just coping the best way we know how – we’d remember to be more gentle with each other.

Oh the horror. Let me start by saying I love the gospel and I believe in Christ. I was not going to let someone else’s comments destroy my testimony- ever. I am grateful my testimony was strong enough to endure. And I love everything you said.

I felt your pain, frustration, hurt, shock, and wonder. I know the comments you described. For that to happen to anyone else makes my heart ache for you. I always said I would not wish infertility on anyone, not even my worst enemy, if I had one.
I suffered through primary callings, yes including nursery. Spent many, many days and nights nagging my Heavenly Father to become a mother. Begging. Pleading. Hoping. All the while wanting church to be a balm for my grieving spirit, instead, at times it was torture. I was taught you should never say no to a calling, but I have said no once. I either would have to wrestle with the pain of being in primary, teaching kids songs about families, moms and dads, brothers and sisters, OR live with the guilt of saying no. I broke down. I could not do it.
I echo your comments and add one more. It is not just childless couples that have a hard time. Being single in the church is just as hard.
I plead with all those who reading your wonderful post- If we just take a moment to put aside our insatiable curiosity, our pity, our flaunting and really get to know all the sisters in our lives regardless of whether they are on a different errand for The Lord than we are at the moment think of how close we could become. We could be more sensitive to whom we are addressing and would truly be like SISTERS.
Thanks for giving me a chance to be heard.

And I completely agree about the singles thing. Really it’s anything that not at all the “norm”. It’s hard to figure out where you fit.

And good for you for saying NO to that calling! Sometimes we have information our leaders need to know if a calling is best for us or not. Self-care – especially as you are going through any difficult trial – is supremely important. I wish I’d done better with that during those years. I’m still working on it now! So seriously – good for you!

Thanks for sharing your story. I had to speak last year on Mother’s Day and I hated it. All I could think was who I was making feel bad by the things I was saying. I cried about it for a week trying to figure out what to say. I just pray that the things I said didn’t make someone’s day worse. Oh and I have a good friend in the ward who had just lost a baby to SIDS. It was a hard day.

I’ve had to speak on Mother’s Day too. It is REALLY hard. Especially if you’re really trying to keep in mind all the people in your particular audience.

The infant death though – man. That’s a hard one. There’s no easing that pain especially. I can’t imagine trying to give that talk knowing she was there and grieving. Kudos to you for making it through that!

To the people who posted that you were harshly judging fertile people… Well, they are the reason we who struggle with infertility need to scream these things from the roof tops. You absolutely do not get it. You never will be able to competely empathize, and it’s pretty apparent you don’t want to. So I agree, leave the comforting to those who want to, now is not your time.

This is perfectly stated. Everything.
Once someone asked me when we were going to start having kids, and I answered, “Whenever the Lord sees fit, I guess.” Her reply was, “Or when you go off birth control, you mean.” It took everything within me not to reach across the table and smack her.

I know that this post and its comments are now at least a few weeks old, but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate this a lot. I hate to say that it’s nice to know other people are going through this (who would wish this one someone else?) but it helps to hear how others are just trying to make it through, too. I loved your point #3.

I just found this post through another blog, but wanted to say thank you for your honesty and candor. Childlessness in the Church is rarely discussed well and often only in the scope of the “miracle child(ren)”. Not that children aren’t a miracle, but there are so few stories of couples who remain childless and still have fulfilling lives.

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility/childlessness for almost 15 years now. Fertility treatments aren’t really an option (money, time, stress, lack of “guarantee”), and, right now, adoption doesn’t feel right. Not to mention that the adoption process is highly invasive and also stressful.

Some years, it seems I cope really well. Some years, not so much. I’m currently Relief Society President, and my ward is going through a mini baby boom, which is both beautiful and painful. I’m genuinely excited for every baby, but I cannot bring myself to go to baby showers, even though I feel obligated to go as RS President. Usually, I send my regrets and take a present or a gift card the Sunday after.

I was also Primary President a few years ago and worked in Nursery before being called to Relief Society. Since I was released from Primary, people have finally come forward and told me that they weren’t sure I could do the job because I didn’t have children of my own. :-/ Being in Primary was not the cure for my childlessness, and it wasn’t without pain, but it did make me aware of my ability to mother, if that makes sense.

I still feel like a bit of a fraud on Mother’s Day. But, my ward has been really good about celebrating all women that day, and not in a “stand up in Sacrament Meeting” kind of way. They have also been really good about honoring all men on Father’s Day, which I know helps my husband.

Oh bless your soul – I really think of all the various intricacies there can be in the path of infertility – getting the answer that neither thing is right (treatments, adoption, etc) for now has to be the hardest to deal with in our culture. Even if a person has peace with it. I just can only imagine.

I’m so glad you have a ward that is good about Mother’s Day! That really can make things so much easier to handle.

And FWIW, I’ve adopted these two girls and I still can’t do baby showers. I don’t even wish to be pregnant (I, in fact, don’t even have a uterus anymore! lol) but going to baby showers – it’s so triggering. All that pain comes boiling to the surface. I don’t know if once you’ve experienced infertility at all if you can ever be totally comfortable at a baby shower. I don’t know, maybe? I just can’t imagine it!

I know this was posted a while ago, and sorry if its a bit random but I’m at the start of this process. I’m probably still at the angry stage, the whole ‘what is my role if I’m not a mother’, and I feel a bit like a failure. It’s hard seeing new babies and pregnant women- I’m not resentful, it’s just hard. And I also hate the ‘when are you going to have kids?!’ Question, other than from extremely close friends. From close friends and family I honestly do believe it’s a natural question- other people not so much. We all know how babies are made…so it’s really quite an intimate, personal question. Luckily my parents don’t ask- I have truly wonderful parents, even though i know they’re bursting to be grandparents. It’s especially hard when people (not my family) tell me that they’d had actual bets about when I’d have had children. Apparently I’ve now made everyone lose their bets. We’ve not even been married a year (and I fully appreciate that this timeframe seems truly pathetic to some people to be upset about).

Thanks for your post. It’s helped me a lot- it hasn’t solved anything but it’s helped to get it off my chest. I haven’t discussed it with anyone except my husband or sister but I don’t think they really understand. My husband just says we’ll adopt, but I’m a woman who likes plans and doesn’t like when they change haha. And my life plans have changed in a big way. sorry if I’ve brought anything up that has been hard, I honestly was just trying to put my thoughts into words…which seem a huge jumble.

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