Why Have Children?

Is being a parent more difficult and less rewarding than expected?

Most of us take for granted that we want children. Many of us spend a fortune trying to make sure we get them. Yet few of us devote any time to answering the most fundamental question of all: Why?

A recent New York magazine piece suggested that many parents find the job to be a lot more effort and a lot less rewarding than expected. Or, as the title more dramatically states, “All Joy and No Fun Why parents hate parenting” (07/04/10)

There is definitely joy, as the parents interviewed acknowledge, but on a daily basis life becomes more difficult (most of the parents profiled still have very young children so they don’t even know how difficult it really becomes!)

While the article doesn’t explicitly state this, I believe that one of the reasons for this dichotomy is inappropriate expectations. Just as some men (you know who you are) get married thinking only of the hot meals, clean house and beautiful intimate companion (“You mean she has emotional needs? I married her because I thought she was low maintenance!”), many go into this business of parenting without a clue as to what lies ahead. Yes, they’ve heard they’ll be tired – but they couldn’t imagine how tired. Their marriages aren’t prepared for the challenge (“You mean I still have to give my husband some attention also?”), they have been playing out a childhood dress-up fantasy. They imagine a life-sized doll dressed in the latest fashion, nestled contentedly in a state-of-the-art stroller as they promenade through the park, go shopping and meet friends for lunch.

Instead the baby is wet, dirty, hungry, screaming; sometimes even colicky. She has an ear infection, her new clothes are stained and a sustained conversation with a girlfriend proves impossible. And so they say, “Where’s the pleasure? The ease? The comfort? The nanny?!!”

Getting pleasure from your kids shouldn’t be your primary motive.

But I think it goes even deeper. I think it goes to the heart of our reasons for having children. I recently heard a story about a family with a number of handicapped children. There is no doubt that these children are a tremendous source of joy (as are all children). There is also no doubt that they are a tremendous source of pain and frustration and hard work (as are all children). When the father spoke at one son’s Bar Mitzvah, he addressed this issue of motivation. “We make the mistake,” he suggested, “of thinking that we have children in order to schep nachas (get pleasure). We have them in order to give.”

This is a profound point. This father doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get pleasure from his family; he means that shouldn’t be your expectation or motive. And that the pleasure is not a temporary superficial one but the deeper one of developing your capacity to give.

Children teach us about selfless giving. We may not get back. The nachas may be elusive or fleeting. But we are not doing it for ourselves. We are doing it for them. We are doing our best to create emotionally healthy adults with a strong moral compass and a connection to the Almighty. That is our job. That is our goal. That, if any, is our reward.

They may not take care of us in our old age (although we have had, thank God, some offers!), they may not go to Harvard to start a successful business or present us with perfectly groomed and well-behaved grandchildren. It doesn’t matter. We have learned what it means to truly give – when the exhaustion is overwhelming, when you need to rush to the emergency room in the middle of the night of hold your child in the hospital day by day, when you have to steer them through the treacherous emotional waters of friendships, leaving home, marriage…when you have to dig deep to understand a child who is so unlike you, to have compassion for the struggles you never experienced.

We learn the most about ourselves and our relationships with others through our children; often the child who is the least familiar teaches us the most important lessons. We learn about our capacity to love. We expand our ability to give. This is the true reason for children, the true gift and the true pleasure.

If we focus on that I don’t know how anyone could possibly say that our children have not enriched our lives and made us happier. A friend told me recently that she really wished she’d had more children (she has two beautiful daughters). No one has ever told me they wished they had less.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 14

(14)
Bubbelove,
September 7, 2010 5:59 PM

I have four grown children and 8 grandchildren. I would be very happy if I could only have my granchildren. I do not know why I had children - hindsight is 20/20. They are adults, they fight, they verbally abuse me. I raised them in a loving Jewish home, traditional and until my husband died it was a nice home. Now that they are married with children of their own they put me down every chance they get. I love my grandchildren, but have no respect for my children. Only one of my children is a decent, upstanding son and does not treat me as the girls do. Why did I have children? G-d only knows.

(13)
mona,
August 29, 2010 1:10 PM

Ms. Braverman:

When you write something for aish that responds to a newspaper or magazine article, do you also send your writing to the newspaper or magazine? I think it would be good for what you have to say to be written in those places as well. You have a lot of wisdom that most people do not have access to. It would be great if even more people--even the ones who are just reading their every day paper--could learn from you and the eternal wisdom of the Torah.

(12)
lilian,
August 29, 2010 6:41 AM

Excellent

This article is beautifully written. Without this perspective, one can truly get lost in parenting. So important to constantly remind ourselves.. it's not about us!

(11)
Michelle,
August 27, 2010 12:18 AM

Excellent Article

Thank you so much for such a wonderful article. I recently got married, about 9 months ago, and my husband and I have been discussing having children. I was speaking to someone yesterday and she brought up a very interesting point: We have children for the benefit of the children, not to benefit ourselves. This article has really helped me to understand why I want to have kids, and what my expectations should be.

(10)
malka,
August 26, 2010 10:40 PM

my husband and i have 1 daughter who is now 39 with 2 boys. she told us at aged 18 that she was ashamed of us because we are jewish and stopped involving us in her life. she met and married a dutch man who is antisemitic and we have never met our 2 grandsons who are 10 and 8, we are forbidden to meet them, so much pain and sadness that my husband and i have regretted having children. i would suggest that any couple thinking of becoming parents to think very hard and long before they do.

(9)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2010 7:28 PM

We have let the genie out of the bag

I would just like to say a word of praise to all parents. I do not know how they do it. Other than belonging to communities such as ours, I have no idea how they can survive.
I do not watch television but I do recall reading about television shows that demean the idea of parents. So, children watching such shows learn. It becomes part of the culture. Everyone calls everyone else by the first name. A 15 year old girl seems to think it is fine to call an eighty five year old by his first name. Again, this is an attitude. This is lack of respect for the person. Children used to protest when they were in high school and university. They used to protest against the "man". And the "man" meant the organization in any form. Now they wear the "man's" logos and they pay for it dearly. But, now those children protest against parents and they say they have the right to. Indeed, rights without responsibilities. That is what society teaches. Then they are given the world of entertainment. Of course this affects the dopaminergic system of the brain and they want more. So, they spend hours depleting dopamine. Parents have to give in because they are most likely working and feeling guilty. And if they don't give then the child goes over to a friend's house. Then the parent needs to monitor who the friend is. Silence? Shabbat? Mitzvot? That is quite a bit of competition. In fact some parents can't even get them to camp anymore. Family vacations? Better to play Sony with friends!
I think we have let the genie out of the bag and parents and children in an Orthodox community have an advantage.
It is about giving and I would add protecting.

(8)
Anonymous,
August 25, 2010 7:18 PM

Giving is wonderful -- receiving would be nice too

We have one child about to start college & 1 in high school. We have made every effort -- I'm not suggesting we're perfect, but any mistakes we made were not to intentionally hurt or deprive the kids; at the time the mistakes were made we thought we were doing the right thing. But frankly, neither of our children seems to love us, and we're heart-broken. We're hoping this is just adolescences -- but what are we to do if despite our best efforts, our children remain so distant from us? Neither of us has ever treated our parents this way.

(7)
Anonymous,
August 25, 2010 12:09 AM

interesting article

interesting

(6)
Anonymous,
August 24, 2010 11:29 PM

thank you

Your message here is timely and timeless. From time to time we should not lose sight even for a fleeting moment what it constantly means to be a parent. It mirrors our relationship with Hashem. Our hot passion may ebb and flow, but our cold steely faith/emunah and trust/bitachon must be constant, never breached. These leave us with hope in good times and bad.

(5)
Anonymous,
August 24, 2010 6:51 PM

It is part of living in our society these days however

that a great many of us are majorly disappointed and sad with our adult children. They have less time for us than we have with strangers. And it was not that we did not sacrifice much for them either. He homeschooled ours for more of their school years prior to college. Hubby set aside work goals to be sure to have extra time for our teens (including their friends too) taking them skiing (which meant he had to learn HOW himself in his 40's), etc. It was fun for him too, but still, THEIR welfare was at the top of the list. Now, we rarely hear from them. It seems we raised our married children for the families they married into, rather than ours. While we are happy for them, it certainly does not leave us feeling appreciated at all. Nor our other remaining child who is not yet married. Go figure...one of the first things we learn is that life is not fair. Perhaps our failure was in only having 3. If we had had 10 or more, like some of our friends have, surely life would be different. We did our best to love them, care for them, and actually we still do...we do come when we are needed or asked. We also try to not interfere at all in their lives. Were it not for the next life however, we would find it hard to deal with. Would we have them again, if we knew things would be as they are? I simply do not know.

(4)
Savannah,
August 24, 2010 6:24 PM

Why have children

This is a really good article. I have five adult children and at a young age I had to decide if I wanted to get married and have kids or go on to college. I choose my family. I later went back to college and earned a degree but I have never regretted my decision. Oh sure I went through the sickness with them and other problems but I knew I need to be there for them. I wanted to raise them and not a daycare or nanny. I wanted to teach moral values along with great grades in school. I spent half of my life caring for them and my husband and it has been wild ride. Today they have grown up to be very independent and caring adults.

(3)
gail,
August 24, 2010 12:15 PM

Great article, Yasher Koach!

(2)
TMay,
August 22, 2010 10:06 PM

Duggar family

I was not blessed with children. Regarding the Duggar family in Arkansas who have 17 children, an article said they have received emails saying that it was "unfair to the children" that when things arise, like chickenpox, that the children are expected to pitch in and to help the family care for the children who are sick. What?! What kind of strange world do we live in?
I saw the documentary where we watched the family build the family home with the children doing the plastering and painting. What a great preparation for being an adult!

(1)
Miriam,
August 22, 2010 7:07 AM

Thank you for this article, i feel that it was well needed as i have been struggling with my own kids lately and trying to remember what parenting is all about. I shall print this and refer back to it whenever times are difficult.
Thanks again

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!