U-Turn Latest; government restores Cromwellian republic

In a shock move, the government has overturned it's previous opposition to the Commonwealth created by Oliver Cromwell. "Serious times need serious government.", explained David Cameron, dressed in black and wearing a painted flower-pot. "So, we're cancelling the jubilee, Christmas and the Olympics will be held behind locked doors lest anyone catches sight of sinful flesh."

This has bags of potential. Not sure Cameron is a convincing puritan, but I can see him cancelling Christmas just so he doesn't invite the wrong guests again. And he's just the sort to have a personal wart photographer
Did Cromwell ban football? Maybe just at International level this time.

In a controversial move, the government has ended the Jubilee with a change of its policy of support for the monarchy and has re-introduced the Commonwealth republic last tried by Oliver Cromwell.

Dressed in britches and frock coat with a hat made from a flower-pot painted black, the Prime-Minister explained; "Serious times calls for serious policies and we've therefore decided to ban all jollity and lewdness. For example, we're still holding the Olympic games, but behind closed doors to prevent displays of sinful flesh. We have also decided to ban all forms of humour, including slapstick, puns, asides and sarcasm (like anyone will notice). Damn."

"In addition, the new commonwealth act requires women to refrain from wearing make-up. Exceptions can be made either for medical reasons or if Boris Johnson, the new Minister of Morals, has declared someone a 'right minger'."