NC Fathers is a blog maintained by an ever growing group of fathers in North Carolina, as well as many paternal family members (paternal grandmothers, step-mothers, paternal aunts and uncles, and other women in these families), who are working to reform the NC Courts, politicians, and educate others on issues related to NC Child Support Enforcement and Child Custody in NC.

How do we unite all Non-Custodial Families? We think what happens many times here is that non-custodial mothers hate this page because of custodial fathers, and non-custodial fathers hate this page because of custodial mothers. Folks, our organization does not advocate for ANY system that maintains the custodial and non-custodial roles. We are not advocating for custodial fathers or mothers. Our belief is that system along with each of your divorce attorney pits parents against each other and encourages fighting (to win) for 18 years which only hurts children and helps lawyers. We think that there needs to be two systems, one where shared parenting is the norm and first thought of Judges. ONLY after one parent either REFUSES to follow shared parenting or is found unfit via EVIDENCE (not accusations) then move to the custodial vs non-custodial roles until the unfit parent resolves his/her issues and then move back to equally shared parenting. Our appeal to you is stop focusing on what the non-custodial/custodial parent has done and focus on the system that is in place to KEEP you fighting to make NC rich and receiving federal money from the Title IV-D program. Additionally, we are tired of being held accountable for domestic violence policies in the state when women are committing violence and neglect and they get custody.

NC Fathers is not a place for non-custodial fathers who make the conscious decision to NOT be active and involved their children’s lives, and who do not pay child support.

NC Fathers IS a place for fathers who desire to be in their children’s lives and are denied by the NC Courts, legislators, and other special interest groups.

Roughly half of custodial mothers today have male children who will one day be pushed to the margins of their kids lives if they experience a divorce and have children. Where do you think these non-custodial grandmothers (who will also be marginalized as well) will stand then? With Equally Shared Parenting?

Please take a moment to view this video and support the mega rock band Blue October who is on a 47 city tour to support equal and shared parenting access for fathers and females in the paternal family who are systematically alienated from their children by NC Legislators and the NC Family Courts. More on this initiative HERE.

This is the new frontier in the family courts as it relates to shared parenting for non-custodial families. The NC Coalition Against Domestic Violence is using their considerable lobbying efforts and money to say that if shared parenting is realized, it will lead to more Domestic Violence. This confuses us though, because more Domestic Violence means greater fund raising efforts and state money that goes into their pockets. But that aside, the real problem is that it is going to mean greater accusations of violence to avoid shared parenting. This video below demonstrates just how easy it is to do.

Our group of bloggers believes that there are many reasons why NC Fathers do not get to see there children equally. These include Lawyers who get rich from parents paying retainers for 18 years, the State of NC making money via the federal child support enforcement legislation, feminist groups that are highly effective at lobbying legislators, and the NC domestic violence coalition that works in tandem with feminist groups to make sure courts stay divisive in favor of mothers. With this in mind, we need your help. If you are a NC Father, paternal grandmother, step-mother, or some other relative of a child via paternity then we believe you have a story to tell and there is no better way to do that than through blogging. Be sure, as the search engines are saturated with our plight and concerns, and we get the message out via social networking sites and other NC related blogs, then legislators and others will take notice. The only way Fathers in NC are going to get an equal ground in the NC Family Courts is if we force legislation and saturate our local communities with information related to what the paternal side of a family goes through in regards to custody and child support.

Again, we need several NC citizens who have first hand knowledge of the problems men face in the NC Courts, who love to write, and who have a passion for changing his/her situation.

Children need their NC Fathers

We believe that NC Children have a desire to be raised, parented, and nurtured by their fathers just as they do their mothers. We do not believe that children see us as “non-custodial” and “visitor”. We do not believe that children love their mothers more because they carried them in the womb for 9 months. Additionally, we believe that children have a equal biological and instinctive bond with their fathers as they do with their mothers.

Help Support NC Carolina Fathers, Fathers Rights in general, and those in the Paternal Family.

This is why we find it particularly disgusting that legislators, judges, and special interest groups put politics and money before our children.

Again, we need for NC Judges, legislators, special interest groups and others to see that the paternal side of child custody and child support is equally strong in regards to voters. They cannot deny the numbers of fathers, paternal grandmothers, step-mothers, aunts and uncles, and even now adults who recognized that their fathers probably wanted to be with them as children but were denied.

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I appreciate the cause you are supporting to help FATHERS who want to parent their children and are “excused” from this wonderful experience because of divorce.

There are two or more sides to this nightmare of divorce and the innocent victims, the children. As much as your cause is worthy. My cause is too.

I am one of the custodial mothers that has seen the side of the court that has allowed a deadbeat dad to continue to be non-supportive in every manner… and he (the deadbeat dad) gets away with not paying ANY child support. He was abusive, there was domestic violence and kidnapping — the horror that I lived through still haunts me and my children. Plus we struggle financially because he would rather be homeless than to support his children. He lost his privilege to see his children when he assaulted me in front of our 5 year child.

I would like to see legislation that would consider deadbeat parents (male or female) that refuse to support their minor children … DEAD. That way, the custodial parent who is living off various assistance programs would receive the FUTURE Social Security benefits of the “Deadbeat” parent and get off the programs. Note: I am not on any assistance. I work two jobs and am very angry that the courts allow deadbeats to not support their own children.

Janie,
Thank you for commenting AND doing so in a constructive manner. We get so many that are ugly. Trust us, we realize there are many sides to this issue. We also realize there are fathers that simply refuse to be fathers, financially support, see their kids, and are antagonistic to the process. However, our issue is that everyone should start out as equals and with equal access, then deal with problematic parents. As it stands now, typically good fathers are lumped in with the problematic fathers and get the same access.

I would also like to point out that there are just as many women to hit, manipulate the system, hurt kids, and kill them as men. In fact, recent domestic violence stats show that domestic violence occurs in men equally, it is just not reported. Also, stats in lesbian relationships just barely exceed those of male on female violence.

As far as the term “Deadbeat” – calling people names and attempting to stigmatize them never meets any positive goal. I realize it is super politically correct to label men “Deadbeat” dads, but it does nothing positive. I’m sure you will recognize that there are women who abuse the medicaid system? Do you think you will ever find the term “Medicaid mom” on any state or government website? Certainly not.

I also recognize your anger with your ex, but you have to remember that despite the problems with your husband, your child(ren) still love him and do not wish he was DEAD. They may be scared of the anger and issues, but biologically, they love him. Usually, with domestic violence, there is a underlying substance abuse or depression problem that can be corrected and the person go on to be a good father/mother or wife/husband. This can be said for women as well.

Janice, I just wanted to say that your posts clearly portray your hatred of your child’s Father. No matter what, your children need to come first in this situation. You are the custodial parent, and as such it is your duty to reconcile, nurture, and promote a healthy caring relationship to your daughter with her Father as opposed to driving him away and wanting him dead. Him being part of your child’s life is beneficial and necessary to her emotional well being. I find it disturbing that you only see his involvement in your daughters life as a privilege that can be taken away at your discretion. I don’t think your child would feel the same way.

You might find that equal shared custody would remove all this animosity between you two, and certainly ease your burden by him supporting the child naturally and equally while in his care. By having equally shared custody you no longer need to worry about child support or being in arrears because the child is naturally supported while in his care. You are less angry because you have more free time and less worry. The Father would be less angry because he now can spend quality time with his child. The child is happy because she has quality time with both parents. It seems to be a win-win situation for everyone. So you see, perhaps our cause is your cause?

Brad, I just wanted to say that your post clearly portrays your indifference to Janice’s circumstances. There also seems to be an apparent bias and attitude that would typically be associated with someone who is abusive himself. Either that, or you’re woefully ignorant of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. It’s very typical for an abuser to shift blame to the victim, to try and make the victim equally culpable and turn things around in an attempt to transfer responsibility to the victim. Your assertion that children come first is correct, however, that point should be emphasized to the man who abused his wife in front of their child, not the woman who is concerned with protecting that child. You’re quite presumptuous in dictating what Janice’s duties are. As far as reconciling, nurturing and promoting a healthy relationship between the child and her father, the onus falls solely on the father. He is the reason that reparations need to be made; it’s a direct result of his abusive behavior that any problem exists. For you to accuse Janice of driving him away is ludicrous. Your insistence that an abusive father being part of his child’s life is beneficial and necessary to her emotional well being is incomprehensible. I find it disturbing that you reframe his involvement in his child’s life as a right when it is absolutely a privilege. Children are blessings, not possessions. Rights are forfeited when children are subjected to emotional abuse; an abuser is not a fit parent. Further, it’s the court that takes away the privilege of contact with a child, not the spouse. It’s done because no one gets to act as they please at the expense of others (especially children) without consequence. Abusers are quick to cry foul about their ‘rights’ being violated, which is frequently just a tactic that enables them to continue a pattern of control and punish the wife. The condescension in suggesting that equal custody would ‘remove all animosity’ is only exceeded by the idiocy of it. Only an abuser could spin reality in a way that characterizes the abuse of one person by another as animosity between the two. Minimizing abuse and defining it as a marriage problem where blame is shared is another go to tactic. I almost can’t even speak to the patronizing and downright stupid comment that Janice will be less angry because she has more free time. Seriously? If that comments weren’t so alarming it would just be laughable. The fact that you would try to justify the father being angry and suggest how he might be less so is disgusting. The father has no right to be angry! Janice does and until you’ve been on the receiving end of abuse you have no place to prescribe how someone should feel. Certainly you shouldn’t conclude that a child will be happy to spend time with an abusive parent when the likelihood that there’s quality time to be had is non-existent. What part of ‘horror’ and ‘haunted’ was unclear? It’s far more likely that her child lives in fear of the man he/she saw hurting his/her mother. Aside from reading a lot into her post, you misread her comment that included the word dead. She did not say that she literally wanted him dead. Your inclination to merely make certain points, ignore the wrongs committed by Janice’s abuser and commute all accountability to her is telling. In it I see that perhaps your cause is the abuser’s cause. Proposing that possibility on this website is probably fruitless though given the clear agenda (if this is even posted.) I submit it mostly in the hope that Janice will see it and know that not only is her cause worthy, but that her voice has been heard by someone who gets it.

Shelley,
So let’s get this straight. If a father is involved in Domestic Violence, he should immediately be “DEAD” to his kids and have his rights taken away immediately and that is the end of the story, no ifs, ands, or buts. But, I’m curious, when women commit domestic violence, should they too immediately lose their kids immediately, end of the story, no ifs, ands, or buts?

It sounds to be like your saying when men make bad decisions, they are done, ripe the kids away from them and give me double child support. But When women do something wrong, get us counseling and assistance and help so I can continue to be a mommy.

If this is what you are saying, you are one of these feminists that believe men are bad, and need to be removed, and that women are only bad because of men.

Sorry, but the latest government stats show that women hit, instigate, and use control in domestic situations just as much as men. However, the women oriented groups in charge of DV strangely enough don’t collect stats on this… hum… wonder why.

Furthermore, my ex has done some serious issues in our relationship to the point that I can not stand her, but I would NEVER impede her seeing and being a part of her life. And yes Shelley, she has done abusive things to the child. But after she got help, she should be allowed to resume her relationship. For you and Janice to say “ooops, dad did this, get dad out forever” is a clear feminist agenda type thinking.

Janice, drama queen is written ALL over your post. I find it very hard to believe that the NC court system would let a non-custodial parent whom was ACTIVELY involved in their child’s life get away with not paying support. AND just what do you define as kidnapping? A visitation that is late by 5 minutes? Your ex would rather be homeless than pay support? Are you sure that’s not what you would ‘rather’ do were roles reversed? Seeing ones child is NOT a privilege, it is a parental right (does he beat his children?) unless the child is either being neglected or physically/mentally abused. There is treatment for anger issues. Have you spoke to your children’s father about counseling or would you just rather him drop dead? Are you sure your not the one with the anger issues? How is he going to beat you up if you meet in a public place or a safe haven to do the exchange? Am I skeptical of you? Your dang right. I as well as other supporters on this site are your husbands!

Janice, perhaps your ex cannot obtain employment because of pending criminal charges secondary to false allegations you have made. If this is the case then on top of your children’s father NOT being ‘allowed’ to be a play a part of his children’s lives then he shouldn’t be expected to pay you a dime. Hopefully since your post was 2 years ago these children are ‘allowed’ by you to see their father.

Let me start by saying once I got started this became very long but my passion for children got me and I needed to get it out! So please read….
I too was a primary parent on paper. And my ex made sure that our sons needs came first. This should truly not be man against woman or visa verse… This is all about our kids and what we as parents want to do to raise them right! I know deadbeat men and women and one is no better than the other. Most difference to me is the Woman’s parents raise these kid’s and they have to see the horror of a mom that loves drugs mom than her kids. Because most of those cases the dads don’t know or don’t know. But what I am here pushing is two people that at some point made this choice together to have a child. And sorry if 10 years down the road the 2 of you cant get alone and the relationship falls apart, but hey we DON’T FORGET ABOUT OUR CHILDREN!! This is not their fault and we as parents should step back and take a good look…. because history always repeats itself.. And one day our children our sweet babies that we would move heaven and earth for will be the ones that suffer for your anger, your heart filled with poor poor me he done me wrong so I will show him and the hate. What a word hate…. harsh word for someone that shares with you the most amazing person or persons in your life…. I am a lucky lady to have the privilege to have been married to a man that put our son above all else on his life. He never gave me one penny nor did I he. We done it together in two different houses. If he had to do or wanted to do he called and say to me I know its my day but something came up do you mind keeping him tonight? It’s an automatic yes. We wasn’t perfect we made mistakes out of anger, but it wasn’t like it would have been if we let a judge that doesn’t know or care about our son be the person to tell me or his dad what would have been right. They are there for a paycheck just like any other human out there do care about. They want to make the most money they can to take care of their family or play a round of golf. And when they the judges make these choices for “our” children they are making it on how can I bring more money into his or her house. It has nothing to do with a woman or man mom or dad it has to do with there own greed. And by showing the parent that makes the lesser of the household income they give all they can to that parent because it puts more money in their pocket. I was blessed and my son a now grown married man a member of our US ARMY. He has told me because he sees the drama his stepbrothers go through that he knows now how lucky he was too have a mom and dad loved him more than ourselves to make sure he always had us both just because we needed to end our marriage we never thought to end being mom and dad. So here is my rant. I told a lady today as I was getting my nails done how our state laws do our children and asked her to just look it up that we are on Facebook and even though she is happily married she too may find it worth her time to join our journey to make our children’s life easier and not have to choose mom over dad because they need both of us. Sorry this rant is so long but my passion is for our children. Not just mine but all children that are subject to the abuse they have to go through…

Judges should be fair. If the Father is a law abiding upstanding citizen He should have equal time with His Children and by that I mean 50/50 custody. The Mother is not always the goodie-goodie two shoes that most courts make them out to be. I Say, Equal time for the FATHERS as well as equal support for those children. When they are with there Mother she is responsible for there welfare and not getting a check from the Father to blow as she sees fit. Sometimes the Mother needs to pay the Father if that’s equality.

I absolutely think judges should be fair to both mothers and Fathers! There are so many cases where there are deserving fathers who want joint custody and even full custody who are denied by the NC Courts. Not because they aren’t fit to have custody, but because NC supports mothers. I think it is absurd that a father, who works a full time job, has no criminal history, takes care of, loves, and supports his children cannot have joint custody. It is a shame that in order for a father to even have a fighting chance in NC Courts he must spend thousands and thousands of dollars for an attorney that may or may not be able to get him 50/50 custody (money that could be better spent on the children). Even if the best interest for the children is with the father and not the mother, NC Courts will see to it that in most cases, the mother still gets full custody and the fathers get screwed. These same fathers are the ones who NC State requires they pay over 70% of their pay into child support (which leaves them to survive off of 30%, like that is even possible with our current economy) with the uncertainty that the mothers receiving this money take it and spend it on the care and well-being of the children. These same fathers are the ones who struggle every day to make ends.
What justice is being served to keep children away from their fathers anyway? Children need both parents equally! If both parents are fit to have custody, then they should have joint. I have seen so many WONDERFUL FATHERS beat down by the system. I truly hope that this issue is addressed with the state and a fair and reasonable solution is found, one that makes both parents equal in the court of law.

That was very well said Ann Lee. I feel like you were explaining my current situation with my custody case. I can only pray that I get at least 50/50 custody of my two wonderful children. I’ve spent over $10,000 in lawyer fees already and haven’t gotten anywhere on the custody issue. I can only pray that I get 50/50 when I want full custody due to my wife’s mental issues and proven drug use. I am a 12 year veteran Deputy Sheriff with an outstanding work history and I have to pray for mercy from the courts! It’s a disgrace for the courts to unfairly treat good and decent fathers, especically if they are deserving of custody. I love my kids more than my life and I am so ready to have them in my life and be with them as much as I can. I don’t deserve to be a victim of the State any more than I already have from a cheating wife. Thanks for your support.

I have been fighting an unjust family court system since 2005. my ex wife intentionally continuously violates our parenting agreement. I brought forth clear and convincing evidence that more than met my burden of proof. All I want is for her to comply and allow me to have my kids every other weekend as agreed. The children were removed from her custody two years ago due to domestic violence between she and her boyfriend. She lied to child protective services and told them I had stabbed her in the past and that I wasn’t fit to have them. She admittedly told this to the children too by the way. This is a complete fabrication. I have never harmed her or the children. Her very own niece got the message to me of what was happening so I called child protective services and gave them the true information. an agent with child protective services came to my home, did took a look around and was very impressed. I filed a show cause motion, brought a statement from the case worker that removed the kids from her residence and a case worker from my district came to court with me in person. The judge STILL placed the children back with her. That judge then turned on me and showed such anger toward me for bringing this to court. I could not believe what was occurring. She showed such a high level of anger and rudeness toward me that it prompted me to research courtroom bias and I’m compiling lots of evidence. How and why does this judge (Wake County NC) get away with such ghastly violations of the Code of Judicial Conduct Canon 3 (1)(2)(3) ????? Also check out the Joseph Cordell website for in-depth interviews with an attorney who worked very hard for a very similar case. I’m starting to see a major shift as more and more non-custodial fathers are choosing to fight for their right to be treated equally and be able to contribute to their childrens’ lives. Unless clear and convincing evidence shows a father unfit, no court has the right to invade a parent child relationship. Start out in court as equals then let evidence do its job. North Carolina has a ghastly and broken family court system that allows daily unethical, prejudice, illegal, irresponsible and criminal behavior to occur by those elected and/or appointed to dispense unbiased rulings. There is no worse of a level of violation of public trust than for judges to be so biased.

Jamie thanks for commenting. I could wright for hrs on WHY the NC Family Courts are biased, and why I think this is happening, ESPECIALLY in Wake County. I would seriously think about filing a complaint with the NC Judicial Standards Commission if he/she refuses to hold accountable a parent who refuses to follow a court order. Be sure if it was you not following the court order, all hell would beak loose.

Nothing is going to change until MILLIONS on non-custodial grandmothers, step-mothers, paternal aunts, fathers, and other members of the non-custodial/paternal family organize, and become a lobby.

I always write a letter to the Governor, along with a copy of the complaint, and answer, and send a cd with the verbatim audio recording. You can get a copy of the recording for free by filing a form requesting a copy.

Brad, good point. When Judges and Representatives realize that non-custodial families are not just going to lower their head anymore and take this, that we are going to build a NC organization/lobby group that will affect elections, and the Judicial Standards Commission starts getting 50 complaints a day, this will change.

Thank you both for the ideas. I’m going to write both. I had wondered for these past several years why fathers are vilified and punished so harshly for taking this to court. After reading all of the information on this site its so clear as to what’s going on. I’m actually one of the lucky ones though. I wasn’t denied my time by the courts, but they just won’t enforce the order when SHE denies my time. AS a condition of our order, she was required to contact me and discuss any move that would effect our ability to exchange the kids as stated in the order. Shortly after the agreement was signed into order, she moved three hours away. Then, there was an ordeal with one of her many boyfriends in which child protective services in that county contacted me. I obtained an ex parte custody order here in wake county and drove up to get my kids. I stopped by the sheriff’s office and spoke with the deputy that was to serve the order. He was a total jerk, and I told him if he didn’t want to help to find a deputy that would. He somewhat apologized and we headed to her house and met with a second deputy. He served the custody order and I brought the kids home. A week later it went before this same judge and this judge acted angry as usual and gave the kids right back to her. I never said a word, never showed any emotion or expression that would cause anyone to think I was upset. I remained calm as I expected this to be the outcome. Then out of the blue the judge looks at me and asked ver sternly, “Is there going to be a problem ?” Of course I held my calm and respectfully said “No your honor”. Now this was the first time social services removed the kids from her custody. There was a second time they were removed and numerous other anonomous reports to child protective services. They couldn’t tell me who made the reports but I’m pretty sure it was the schools they attended. Additionally over a two year span she had them literally in nine different schools. She was hiding them from me so I was constantly investigating on my own where they were and calling the schools and setting up surprise appointments to visit the kids there. All of the schools were wonderful and were very supportive of what I was doing. This was not enough to be awarded custody, and not even enough for the judge to enforce her own order that was blatantly violated. Not even with clear and convincing evidence right in her face, both on paper and with competent testimony by a total stranger that drove three hours to testifiy for me. So the custody model is VERY lopsided and it’s an indictment on Wake County Family Court’s integrity and ethics. I for one will keep going and do everything I can to take part in exposing and changing all of this. It’s tough because the people we are supposed to go to for help are involved. Local media is scared to intervirew fathers like me because the judges may never let them in their courtroom in the event there is a good juicy case. So how do we expose this and get enough support?

Non-Custodial Parents who have this happen to them everyday. When you take these people, AND their family who get equally hurt by this mess, you have a HUGE amount of voters. When those voters, by the millions start emailing, calling, and letting Legislators know that we are united and will vote on this issue, things will change. So, please consider in your daily travels sending others to our mailing list.

My husband’s ex-wife repeatedly violated the custody consent order, increasing in frequency after she began dating a certain boyfriend. Three months after they were married, my husband’s ex wife told my husband that she was moving two and a half hours away. My step-daughter at this point had been spending several afternoons a week with us and little sister as well as extended time in the summer. My in-laws had moved to our town in the last two months to be closer to their grandchildren. In addition, my mother in law had been taking care of my step-daughter one day a week since shortly after she was born so that my husband’s ex-wife could work. After we were told of the intended move, we filed motions to modify custody, a temporary restraining order to keep my step-daughter from moving, a motion to allow my step-daughter to seek counseling which her mother had denied the need for, and for a custody evaluation. We were granted counseling for my step-daughter, a mutually agreed upon court ordered custody evaluator, and 50/50 custody for the summer during which my husband’s ex-wife could move while custody would be decided. After an extensive custody evaluation (including 25 interviews and a 900 page case file compiled) and tens of thousands of dollars spent on attorney fees, the court heard from each biological parent, the custody evaluator, and a reviewer of the custody evaluation called as a rebuttal witness from my husband’s ex-wife. The neutral mutually agreed upon custody evaluator said in court that his opinion was that custody should be awarded to my husband and my step-daughter should stay in her hometown that she was born and raised in. His reasons included my husband’s ex-wife’s attempts to limit access to his daughter, her refusal to acknowledge myself or my daughter in front of my step-daughter, my husband being “the most active and involved non-custodial father the court was ever likely to encounter”‘, the repeated changing reasons for the proposed move, the secure attachment bonds of my step-daughter to my husband, myself, and my daughter, my step-daughter’s repeated desire to live with her father during seperate interviews at her mother and father’s homes, and her ambivalent relationship with her new step-father (who had been accused of domestic violence by his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend). After hearing testimony of the parents and experts, the judge ordered primary custody to remain with the mother and that my step-daughter would be moving. He then gave my husband every other weekend and two dinners a month (as compared to the eight he had before.) After the move, my husband’s ex-wife continued to not allow my husband any additional time with her father even when my husband was willing to make the five hour round trip to see her once a week during the work week. My husband’s ex-wife also will not allow my in-laws to call to speak with their granddaughter when she is in her mother’s custody. My step-daughter continues to ask us when she can move back here with us and is often very upset when it is time for her to return to her mother’s home. The entire experience has been repeatedly heartbreaking for my step-daughter, my husband, my daughter, my in-laws, and myself.

Hi Lynn,
I wish I could say that your information is shocking, but it’s not. It’s good to see women in non-custodial families starting to get involved in this issue. Please join our mailing list and be active daily getting more and more non-custodial families active and ready to vote on these issues.

My step-daughter has been kept away from us and BOTH grandparents. Us for 11 years, and all the grandparents for 2 years. I have a better relationship with Elizabeth Fergusons mother than she does. The last time she took us to court,for contacting Madeline on Facebook, her new husband’s parents and her parents were with us. The “judge” John Greenlee (look him up, he’s a serious problem of the Gaston family courts) offered ANOTHER moderation. Derek was representing himself and didn’t want to put her through it. She had been kept out of school for 3 weeks for “fear he would kidnap her!” already. Why do that to people you “love”? The LAST time she cut off her husbands’ parents from seeing them he went to one of their schools for grandparents day and she kept them out of school until social services made her send them back! She was also charged with abuse when Maddy was 3 (had to admit that in front of Maddie for the first time in court 2 weeks ago) and was made to take “parenting classes” for beating her up and down with a broom. Arms back and legs(the ones on her arms the police officer said were defense bruises) and Elizabeth said it was from a sliding board after she told my husband it was from a fight with a friends’ 3 year old child. That’s when we got scared and tried to start keeping things as calm as possible.We were forced to give up the fight to keep Maddie safe. She never gave up the fight. She filed a false abuse charge on us after that. She drove by our house tried to send people over. One guy tried to force his way into our house. NC doesn’t care if a woman beats her child but they’ll arrest a man for a few bucks. OH there’s SO much more. But that is the gist. We feel you folks. We’ve been seriously wronged by the Gaston County Courts for years. She keeps removing pictures from my husbands website for Madeline, for when she decides she’s safe enough to contact him. She’s trying to have it shut down. http://www.facebook.com/christy.harlan/posts/540105159356575?ref=notif&notif_t=like#!/derekharlan22?fref=ts

My husband ex gf is planning to move 2 and 1/2 hours away and get married w her bf so the court will allow her to move w my stepdaughter..first, she lied to the court that her bf and her been dating for 2 and 1/2 years and also telling the court the daughter is doing bad at school bec we have her extra day during every other week for 1 day.. My husband is a great father who pays child support and obeying the laws.. Also, his ex gf took my step daughter to the beach one weekend on our weekend, so we filed a complaint against her.. What can we do to prove this and get equal rights. we filed for 50 % custody and mediation said we dont have much chance bec shes getting married..Pls help????

Hi Jacie,
Sorry to hear about you and your husbands ordeal. First we need to say that NC Fathers is not a law firm, and nothing about this comment should be taken as legal advise. Jacie, there really is nothing we can do. Our organization is just trying to get millions of non-custodial fathers, step-mothers, paternal grandmothers, etc… and build a lobby that prevents Judges and Legislators from doing what they do to people like you. Until that happens, and given history, it is likely the Judge will allow her to move away with the child.

Jacie, you must stop the move. 50/50 custody is simply not possible with 2.5hrs of distance between you. My guess it that she knows you both want equal custody and this is her attempt to stop that from happening.

If you can’t stop her from moving then plan on moving yourselves to maintain contact and continue the fight for equal custody.

I am a local pastor and have a brother who has the lead responsibility of care, education, recreation, spiritual development, and medical for his 6 year old daughter in his home. He and the mother have divorced and the couple has tried to coordinate care but in recent months the mother has become inconsistent and irrational in regards to set schedules of care, coordinated drop off and pick up, and finances. Recently the mother has moved in with her current partner, stolen the ex-husbands identity (credit card fraud), and has threaten with “arbitration” for the daughter. The father would like to resolve these matters amicably but I, personally, don’t see it happening. What documents/agreements could the father establish with the mother (other than legal custody) to demonstrate his seriousness about the matter but that doesn’t set the mother off?

HI Pastor Johnson,
I’m confused about something. You stated “have a brother who has the lead responsibility of care, education, recreation, spiritual development, and medical for his 6 year old daughter in his home.” Is this established by a court, or a written agreement filed with the courts? Or, is this just something that has been taking place?

I also would think that it would be difficult to “arbitrate” with someone in a manner that does not set them off if they have allegedly committed credit card fraud, etc…

We are NOT lawyers, and nothing about this post should be taken as legal advise. But, if you brother can show that he has the child and can demonstrate that he is the primary caregiver, that SHOULD be enough. But, there are Judges in NC who believe that Fathers should not be primary custodial parents and will overturn this on a dime. It happens daily given that Judges have so much discretion. Not knowing the parties in this matter, we can’t say if there is a way to arbirate this OUT of mediation or court.

I will say this though, be very careful. All that needs to happen to put your brother into the “guilty until proven innocent” seat and something that will give her 100% custody immediately is a false allegation of violence. All it takes in NC is for her to “feel threatened” and a restraining order can be placed and things change quick. Very common tactic.

Yes, those restraining orders do happen, but not legally. Legally you must actually commit an act of violence which would follow criminal charges, or stalking which again should follow criminal charges, and then sexual crimes which again should follow criminal charges. State statutes 50b-1 lays out the definition of domestic violence: http://www.ncleg.net/EnactedLegislation/Statutes/HTML/BySection/Chapter_50B/GS_50B-1.html
These are all criminal acts.

I am 14 years into paying child support. What I have gotten in return is a troubled teenage son that has been raised to reject his father. “When he has shown an interest in seeing me he is threatened like so, “you can pack your bags for good and live with your father.”

I have resisted making comments on the situation in the past because it always seemed hopeless and can appear that I am “just another father who would rather not pay.” I have not only paid but I have also saved for his education as well. No one ordered me to do so and his mother has failed to put away a single dime.

I have a wealth of knowledge in this area and have given a good fight to the system. I will begin sharing some of this moving forward.

With out going into detail right now people should stop blaming the Mothers who abuse the system. Doing so is akin to blaming a juvenile delinquent raised in a family culture of crime. The NC judges are at fault. Everyday judges sit before the unspeakable injustice that goes on before there very eyes.

Think about this: There are only two ways in the United States a person can be sent to jail for failure to pay a dept. One is taxes and the other is child support. Governments will not crowd a prison system concerning the money owed to to private citizens. e.g. mortgages, credit cards, ect and in the case of child support they do not either. The state of NC concentrates heavily on the issue of child support not as it would have you believe, (The best interest of the child). Collecting child support is a main income staple to the state. That income is looked at for budgets. When you need to pay extra bills at home what do we start thinking about? Where is the money going to come from right? Who has the authority to milk money from the citizens to meet the need?

Justice? Look into the eyes of man being sent back from a court room to a jail cell who is not given even the ability to try and meet the unreasonable demands of these judges. Watch them struggle to control the basic instinct to fight for your family…fearing it to be adjudicated as an “anger issue.”

Robert, I agree with everything you said except don’t blame the Mothers for using the system. The difference between a teen and crime is they are hurting themselves. The Mothers are willfully causing emotional harm upon their own children for easy money and revenge against the Father. They most certainly should be held accountable for the troubled teenagers that are the product of their abusive and selfish acts.

My four year old daughter is being raised to hate me as well, and that Daddy doesn’t deserve any acknowledgement. Instead of Daddy being special and important in her life, she is being trained that Daddy is the most unimportant part of her life. TV comes before Daddy. To instill this mindset into a small child’s mind is indirectly telling her that half of herself is flawed, as everything about Daddy is shunned by the Mother, including Daddy’s traits within their own daughter. My daughter’s Mother had her convinced her blue eyes were black (pupil) because she has my blue eyes. Yes, this is child abuse and they most certainly should be held accountable.

Brad, I know that my words will sound somewhat secondary to what you are going through. I have been, and to some extent still do feel the same heartache. Believe these things to be true:

Resist the temptation to behave the same way with your daughter. Her mother is going to find out that her words will have the opposite effects in the end. Please continue to be kind to that girl no matter what. Never utter a bad word about her mother. Fight like holy hell to keep every second of time you can get. To a greater extent than boys, girls need a father that displays fearless determination and character. You will find yourself being honored the day she is married for all of this, all of which surely is worth the struggle.

Look Brad, your ex-wife, girlfriend or whatever she was to you is interested in the one thing you can control, control itself. Have you ever noticed that she may ask questions in a start up cheery mood to see what position you may have on certain things? This would happen to me all the time.

Example: “What time frame would you prefer to have your daughter this summer?” The answer to that question should always be, “You tell me when you want to have your visitation and I will take mine accordingly.” What you have done here is taken away what she thinks she has….the chance to say no to you. Make no mistake this is part of the kill for them and when you take it away the taste for blood begins to slip from them. When you do allow them the chance to deny you something the first thing they do is tell anyone who will listen they have struck another blow for the C.S.W.H.

Pick and choose the battles.

You must get if you do not have it yet either Legal Shield, Pre Paid legal or something equally as good. These services are worth there wait in gold for people like us. Get it before she does.

Understand the laws.

Assume you are on the loosing side but cannot afford to loose.

Gain an excellent relationship with your lawyer. Pay him and gain his respect. I was my attorneys first client. He has represented me like I was his brother. At some point it became personal to him. Make sure he is right for you. If you are not calling each other by first names by the first year, find out why or go to someone else.

There is so much more. Whatever you do avoid police problems. Do not go to jail. Walk away. Find out what goes on around your daughter but DO NOT STALK. I will be back with more……..OOOhh I feel a little better myself now…

This whole thing with NC Courts sickens me. We moved out here from California and even though the courts arnt perfect out there, I can say that the judge my custody goes through in California would never stand for any of this. He has repremaned both me and my ex-husband for not thinking about the children’s best interest. Before moving here, we had 50/50 custody. One week with me and one with him. That is how it should be (as long as distance is not an issue). Know my girls live in California with their dad. At first I was angry and upset with the judge for making this decision, however as time went by I realized that this was the best option for my girls. It was not fair to them that I take them from both sides of their family and everything they know because I was unhappy in California. After dealing with my boyfriends case in NC I am still shocked that judges and social services maintain their positions by acting this way.

My boyfriend took custody of his four small children almost two years ago. They were in our care for six months than one week before x-mass, social services removed them from our home. We fought with social services to protect the children from their mother. That is how they even got involved in our lives. These children have been mentally, physically, and sexually abuse while they were in her care. The first judge we went in front of ordered social services to take the children into custody, without removing them from our home, over the weekend. He ordered tham to have paperwork ready for him to sign the following week to sign full custody to my boyfriend and that was to be that. Well social services went to another judge and had her sign to have the children kept in protective custody. From there it has all been nothing but hell. They have lied, hidden evadence, and refused to follow the judges orders but the judge just turns a blind eye.

They have finally admitted that my boyfriend was not the offending father, however still will not give him his children back. Two of the children have been placed back with the mother. Since December/2011 his son has been suspended from school, both children have missed 10days of school, and she can barely make ends meet or get them to their appointments. So why does social services keep supporting placement with this woman? Statement from the judge dated 4/9/12 “MS. __ is on the verge of being overwhelmed with the children that are currently placed with her. The Court does have concerns about the discrepancies in the reports received from Forsyth County regarding the living conditions of Ms. __.”

This woman has over 12 years of social service involvement in her life in three different states. She lost custody of her oldest son back in 2000 and has next to nothing to do with him. “deadbeat dad” how about “deadbeat mom”. She is suppose to pay $100 a month and wont even do that for her child, but demands she gets time with the child. The my boyfriends older two children, both in 5th grade, have been into over 10 schools since kindergarten and we have tracked down over 15 addresses that she has had since 2004. My point is that these are the types of woman that the NC Judges and Social Services leave children with rather than allowing loving fathers to raise or even be apart of their children’s lives.

Since the two children have been placed back with the mother, social services has done nothing to arrange visits. So once again he is stuck where he was for years, no visits, calls consisting of mom in background hounding kids to ask dad inappropriate information, and mom being verbally abusive to dad in front of the children. Not to mention that once social services is out of her life, she is going to take those children and leave NC and he will have no contact with them as was the norm between the years of 2004 and 2008.

It just blows my mind that a system can be so corrupt and messed up!!! Sorry for the venting.

After leaving Wilmington, NC court a couple of weeks ago I have never been so upset in my whole life. You see…It is okay with the certain judge we had if your child is exposed to drugs, burned with a cigarette, and put into situations that the child is too young to handle. Even when you have 3 DSS workers and a social worker saying that the child should have extremely limited visits and the judge thinks its okay to put the child back into danger. You have a father who is perfectly capable of taking care of his child and the court finds him in contempt because he chose to keep the child out of harms way per the DSS …Wilmington, NC WATCH OUT FOR THE CORRUPT JUDGES YOU PUT IN THE COURT SYSTEMS. This is an outrage for all the fathers who are out there working and trying to do what is best for their children.

I also had a very negative experience in New Hanover County…to the point that I desperately hoped ANYONE would run against the extremely unjust family court judge that notoriously rules in favor of the mother despite the individual circumstances of a case. Sadly, he is running unopposed so more families’ and more importantly children, will be left to deal with the negative consequences of his “blind justice.” Helpless does not begin to describe what I have felt and I am sure you are experiencing the same. My prayers are with you!

I am assuming you had the same judge as we did from the sound of things. I am thinking we should stand up for our children and grandchildren. This judge is way out of line and totally ignores DSS and Social Workers. He thinks he is better than the average person and doesn’t have to listen to the advice of others involved in these cases.

I am officially putting this out there! I have tried to contact this site to post petition info, however I have not gotten any response back. So here I go. I am trying to locat as many parents, mainly father’s/grandparents as that seems to be where the jist of the problem is. I have created a petition and contacted aprx. 50 T.V. and Radio media in hopes of getting something accomplished. Please contact me at 213-220-1062 or look at the petition (link below), if you are interested in taking a REAL stand against NC judges and social workers.

My story is long and has to do with foolish decisions I knowingly made to sponsor a woman from overseas for US citizenship. She then asked me to use my name for two subsequent children that were born to her from other men and after that, the blackmail began. Still, I was at both of their births and raised them as my own but when she remarried in Las Vegas one day after our divorce was final, her new husband said she had to choose between him and me to be in her life and the kids could only have one father.

When they informed me they were moving very far away out of state, I threatened to try to stop them. Knowing how the NC Family Court worked, they invited me to their house and proceeded to attack me. When I left, they filed charges and five separate attorneys said I would have to plead guilty as these cases are never won by the father. In order for the ex and her husband to agree to defer charges, I had to agree to no contact with them or the kids ever again, not just until 18. However, child support continued and the 529 education IRA I had set up still belonged to them. They are very wealthy but child support does not look at the circumstances of the custodial parent, only the earnings of the non-custodial parent.

I have tried to get the News & Observer to have a reporter investigate this but they don’t return emails and when I spoke to one reporter, he outright said the paper would not be interested. I would like to write a letter to a political official at the state level but do not know who would be in charge of this type of investigation or legislation although I could start with my own pathetic representative, David Price but he would never get involved.

What I would like is to see if people are interested in gathering in person (remember when people did that?) and discussing real action. I would have contributed the maximum financially to any judge that would have run against Debra Sasser but she is running unopposed. How do we get statistics on how judges rule and how do we get word out that we will support their opponents? I see no contact information on this web site, it is completely anonymous as to who runs it. Is that intentional? Is anyone else interested in real action other than just posting our stories? And I don’t think a petition to the President is appropriate – I did look at it and it would need radical change to make it credible.

If people want to speak with me, I am happy to post my contact details. Information is great but action is better.

I came across your site and was very happy to finally see something related to trying to help NC fathers. I have been working on starting a non profit for fathers who are constantly being pushed to the side and not being able to be apart of their child/children lives. I strongly believe that if more fathers knew their rights and had more resources and support they would be able tofind their voice and get the help they need to not be absent in their childrens lives. I know tons of fathers not only in NC but in other states as well who dealing with horrible situations and struggling to be able to see their kids and want to see and their kids and have the means to help provide without being on child support but still have problems because of the mothers and also with the majority of the services are geared towards single mothers and women in general. I would love to hear fathers voice their opinions and talk about their struggles and also if possible letting me know if they think that if there was an organizations to help them if they would participate in it? I believe all children should know who their fathers are and fathers should be involved as long as its not dangerous for the child. Because of the close connection and relationship I have with my father I know that it is very important for child to be able to have that same connection.

My son went to court for custody from his wife. He was awarded custody. Her mom works as a supervisor at social services. After the trial the mom and daughter ran over to the courthouse and confronted the judge. The judge was not happy about it. The ex-wife was supposed to meet my son at 4:00 with his son. That didn’t happen. So my son thought he saw her driving by, so he called his lawyer asked what to do. Lawyer said call the sherrif’s department. He did. When a seargeant got there he held her for about 45 minutes with out asking her for an ID, registration, proof of insurance, nothing. Then walks the child back to car and my son said that’s not my child. All hell broke loose and my son was asked to leave. So the next week I go with him. The same seargeant proceeds to intervein. He says they will do nothing for us. If he catches following her car he will arrest us. If we are sitting outside her house or any other house he will arrest us. I never felt so wrong for being so right. We did a background check and imagine what I found, he is related to her. So, Where do I go from here? Thanks

Clifford, there is not one single Judge or Politician in NC that supports NC Fathers. This is because most of them are making money from this system. Attorneys make up 33% of the nc Legislature, and they want parents fighting for 18 yrs so they get retainers. Other Legislators have no idea how to pay for Medicaid, so the current system works for them. Judges maintain power from well fed lawyers. Nobody on the ballot you have before you cares. It is up to non-custodial fathers, step-parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles to build a massive organization that forces them to care.

My son’s mother and I signed a consent order on August 26, 2009. She was in contempt in several different ways based on what we agreed to in the consent order that she had drawn up. I approached a law firm and discussed the many contempt violations my son’s mother was in. After giving the law firm the facts of my case the law firm told me the contempt violations would be addressed and there would be no problem getting me three overnights per week based on the consent order that was already in place and my work schedule. They also told me that no actions before August 26, 2009 could be brought forward in this case and that this would never make it to trial with the evidence in hand and the consent order in place. I hired this law firm September, 2010 based on their promises.
A motion to modify and a motion for contempt was filed. My son’s mother’s attorney filed a motion to modify child custody, a motion for child support, and a motion for retroactive support/reimbursement of expenditures. We had a mediation session but my son’s mother did not want to come to a fair and reasonable agreement. A few weeks after mediation my son’s mother and I went through the deposition process.
All financial documents were requested from both sides by both attorneys. Had I been informed properly and my case handled in a professional and business-like manner, there would have been no need to file any extensions to complete statements, discovery requests, or retrieve more documentation that was a direct result of additional billings all through the case.
I received a notice for calendar call for motion to modify custody. Then I took a copy of my tax returns to the law firm as requested. A week later I received another notice for calendar call for modification of temporary child support. The law firm representing me did everything in their power to prevent my key witness from showing up for the temporary child support hearing that should have never taken place. The law firm finally agreed to issue a subpoena by fax the day before the hearing, which was impossible for my witness to make arrangements to appear. On the date of the hearing, my attorney, frantic and on edge, stated I needed to quickly sign the temporary child support or go back in front of the judge with the possibility of it being higher. After his chaotic behavior, I thought I was forced to sign the document. I paid temporary child support for four months.
The events set out and the actions taken by both law firms generated grounds for a trial. My law firm mishandled and harassed my key witness to the point that she never showed up for any court proceedings. My attorney advised me to start keeping my son the three nights that the original consent order stated. My son’s mother wasn’t allowing me to do that. I kept him three overnights for two weeks and on the third week my son’s mother snatched him from daycare before I could get him on the first day I was supposed to have him. I went to the sheriff’s office and spoke with the sheriff but there was nothing he could do because there was such a gray area in the wording of the consent order.
I was forced to use a vacation day from work in order to keep my son three nights the week she snatched him from daycare. I received an email from my son’s mother on the night of the last day I had him stating that he was starting preschool the next day. I consider this a big event in my son’s life and should have been able to attend such an event, but without my consent and with only hours of notice I was unable to arrange time off to attend. I met with the preschool director and was informed that I don’t exist and have no grounds there. The director informed me that I was not listed as the father or l was not listed on the pick-up list. After showing that I had legal visitation, I was still denied the right to pick up my son from preschool and was told that my son’s mother’s attorney had placed a letter in my son’s file blocking me from picking him up. When asked to see such document, I was denied. I contacted my attorney and told him what had transpired at the preschool and was told to take the high road, that it would work itself out at trial. In other words, I was on my on here.
All documents from the preschool, including the document that was placed by my son’s attorney, was subpoenaed by my law firm. I received a contempt motion that was filed stating I was in contempt of the consent order because I took a vacation day in order for me to spend that third night with my son the week his mother snatched him from daycare. At this point I’m extremely disgusted with my legal representation and I feel that I am pretty much stuck here. My law firm has taken me into the rabbit hole. I consider this legal Entrapment.
I went fifteen days without seeing my son at all. There was a hearing for temporary visitation set. I went from having three days a week visitation every week with my son, to no visitation with my son for a little over two weeks, to having temporary visitation which is less time with my son than I had when I first approached the law firm. I am overwhelmed with disgust because I paid this law firm to do this to me and my son.
What had given the law firms grounds to take this case to trial was information sought prior to the original consent order. Things were brought up in court about my past and used in open court but much worse things were suppressed about my son’s mother that would have been very beneficial for my attorney’s to bring up in open court to help me in this case. The judge contradicted herself throughout her ruling. She didn’t know much about the case and who was involved. At the end of her ruling, she left the case wide open by saying, “We’ll have to come back and tweak this case a little”. I ended up with 120 overnights on a worksheet A. Before I left the courthouse, my attorney already had three more court appearances in my future.
Over several weeks, both law firms and the judge supposedly were meeting to tweak the order. My law firm was trying to get me to accept the order the way it was after the court date by waiving the additional billings. But this was unacceptable because none of this was supposed to have transpired in the first place. I went to the court house to get a copy of my son’s mother’s w-2 and current pay stud that should have been in the evidence file, but it wasn’t there. The clerk of court could not locate it in the evidence file. I had to call the DA’s office and explain what I wanted and what I discovered with the missing evidence from the evidence file. A few days later, the clerk of court called me and told me to come pick up the document. When I asked him why it wasn’t in the evidence file, he said it was in a safe in another part of the courthouse. I asked why my son’s mother’s documents were so much more important than my documents. He said that I would have to ask the law firms involved that question. I requested a copy of the courtroom disc and told my attorney that I knew what they were doing. After this comment, billing stopped. The courtroom disc was cut right before the judge said, “We’ll have to come back and tweak this case a little”. Asking why and who has the authority to cut the master copy, I was told, the judge.
Two different temporary order/ judgments were put in place. My son’s mother brought a police officer onto my property to try to get my son. She said that I was in conflict with her draft of the order. The copy of the second drafted order is what I was following. The order had been tweaked by the attorneys supposedly. My father stopped her and told the officer she was trespassing and not wanted on the property. She was made to leave. I called the magistrate. He told me to post no trespassing signs on the property.
After the mishandling of my case, I informed the law firm that represented me if they didn’t correct all the mistakes that had been made in my case that caused the outcome that I received, I was going to move forward and hold them accountable for their negligence and malpractices. I attempted to call the NC State Bar but before I actually got to speak with someone the attorney from the law firm that was representing me was killed in an automobile accident. Again, I called the NC State Bar and this time I spoke with someone. I explained that I felt the law firm intentionally botched my case and they said they could not accept a complaint on a deceased attorney.
A week later I took my son to preschool and talked with the director while I was there. I requested a copy of my son’s records and asked to add some names to the pick-up list. She was very agitated. She wanted to contact his mother first and discuss it with her. I explained to her that wouldn’t be necessary that I am his father. She was very loud and very rude. After I asked again for the records, she made a copy of the enrollment form and gave me a paper for the pick-up list. I still have yet to see the letter that was put in place there by my son’s mother’s attorney that kept me from picking up my son. She also told me that she was at the court house the day of our trial, but no one saw her.
I received a letter from the law firm representing me stating that the attorney on my case had been killed and offered two other attorneys to select from to continue handling my case. I met with the attorney I selected and expressed dissatisfaction with the services rendered thus far. The attorney said that it would no longer be beneficial for the law firm to represent me and said that he would file a motion to withdraw. I later called the law firm and asked that they see the case through. By this time I’m financially crippled and can’t hire other legal representation. The law firm filed a motion to withdraw and sent me another bill for over $6000.
I received a copy of the newest draft for me to review. Request of changes were presented from both sides to both attorneys. I went back to court only to find out that the judge was sick and the case was put off another month.
I go back to court and the judge called both attorneys into her chambers. I was told that I wasn’t needed and that I could leave. The following week I went to the courthouse to pick up a copy of the Order that was on file at the courthouse. Later that day my son’s mother picked up my son from preschool violating the order I just picked up that morning. She said based on the order she had, she was not in violation of the order. I invited her to meet me at the sheriff’s office. After meeting with deputies, it was determined that there are two different conflicting orders. The deputies asked my son’s mother where she got the copy of the order she had. She said her attorney’s office. My son chose to go home with me after being asked by the deputies. The deputies told us to meet back with our attorneys the next day to sort it out. I went back to the courthouse to speak with the clerk to see what exactly was going on. The clerk told me that my son’s mother’s attorney’s paralegal brought their copy of the order to be filed late afternoon the day before (after we had met with the deputies at the sheriff’s department).
The law firm contacted me to verify that there are in fact two different conflicting orders on file at the courthouse. The judge was given two different orders to review and signed them both. I was informed that I was going to have to go back in front of the judge to straighten out her incompetency. The judge made a special trip to clear up the confusion. The judge explained how the two different orders were signed by her and filed. She said she would not change the blocks of time I spend with my son that was in the order.
In the weeks that followed the final court hearing, I tried to get my complete file from the law firm several different times. Each time I would find missing documents and missing information that I had given the firm. When I picked up my file once again I asked about missing documents that I had a subpoena for. The documents that were subpoenaed and missing from my file were to include all documentation from my son’s preschool, including the letter that was supposedly placed there by my son’s mother’s attorney that blocked my visitation and stopped me from picking up my son from the preschool. The paralegal said that they didn’t have those documents and they never received them from the preschool.
My visitation was blocked at the preschool by a letter that does not exist in order for both law firms to get the outcome they wanted. In other words, they used my son as an extortion tool and set it up so that there would be future court hearings so they could continue using my son as extortion tool to extort money from me. The reason for this whole case was because I needed the word day defined in writing that was in the consent order.
I sent a letter to the Attorney General’s office about how this law firm committed fraud, extortion, negligence, and malpractice. The AG’s office would not intervene and referred me to the NC State Bar. I spent six weeks putting together a grievance in the form of a bound booklet nearly 300 pages, including an in depth timeline of events and supporting evidence. The bar opened an investigation, but dismissed it because the attorney is now deceased. My local State Representative Jason Saine suggested I send the same bound booklet to the Attorney General’s office. I sent a letter along with the booklet stating that this is a form of legalized extortion allowed in the NC legal system, that this was the misuse of a child to gain revenue and future revenues, and that this was beyond a private legal matter. The AG’s office for the second time said that they would not intervene.

Robbie, thanks for sending us this information. We are pretty tough on Judges on this site but will always make it a point to say positive things when Judges act fairly and preserve the right for children to receive direct support, love, and guidance from BOTH parents and extended families absent a federal enforcement program that derives federal funding from a father who is purposefully kept at a distance.

16 years ago my wife and I agreed to split and that my son would live with me. Being young and not having much money at the time, we went to a notary and had papers drawn up stating that she relinquished full custody to me and that she was not ready to be a parent. A few months go by on Christmas day as my son was in the front yard riding his new tricycle, I turned and stuck my head in the door to speak with my mom and next thing I know my ex and her mother come flying in the yard and snatch my son right out of the yard and speed off. I rushed to get my keys but by the time i could get back out and try to follow they were gone. Fast forward six months….After months of negotiation we finally come to a agreement that we would have joint custody and that i would get visitation every weekend and so forth. Not one time was it ever honored. I paid my child support and even tried holding it to try and see my son and the courts told me it was a separate matter. That one did not have anything to do with the other. For years I paid support and carried insurance on my son, while she moved from town to town and never stayed in one place for longer than 6 months. I would spend thousands on Private Investigators, find her and go to his school and see him and then the next week they would be gone again. When he turned 9, she called me to come and get him saying she could not raise 2 kids seeing she had had another one. So, I took custody of my son and had all papers transferred to make it legal. After he came to live with me we found out that she was and had been for years hooked on crack and met. Six months after I got my son she committed murder for drug money and is now doing 9-12 years for second degree murder. If the courts had done there job and placed my son in my home he would have never wanted for anything he needed nor would he have ever been forced to live in the conditions that he did for 8 long years. My son was in 8 different schools, never lived in one home for more than 6 months, had to live with multiple strange men. It is a shame that fathers do not have more rights. There are a lot of good, hard working men that are loving and care for their children. Many a night I cried myself to sleep. I had days at work where i would just think of my boy and tear up and have to walk away to gain composure. It is TIME for NC to stand up and lead the way for father’s rights!! Thankfully my son turned out OK he graduated High school and is enrolled in college, yet he still carries scars from his life before.

I have custody of my three kids. One mother is bi-polar and the other is in prison for 18 months. They have both physically neglected our kids. Both have failed drug tests. My 4 1/2 yr old tested positive for cocaine. No criminal charges were pressed. A judge declined a 50B. Still everyone insist on joint custody and visitation. Do the children even matter anymore? I still continue our fight for our future!

I have no idea if my comment will even be of interest to anyone or not. I am the mother of the paternal father of my oldest granddaughter. Or we think she is. My son was too stupid to listen to us and demand a DNA test at the time even though everyone told him the mother was sleeping around and he just believed her and blindly signed the birth certificate. The mother didn’t even let the child have his last name! She did take a paternity test with some other guy she claims she was sleeping with but not my son, how convenient. Like I said, he is an idiot.

Over the years the baby spent most of her time either living in our house with her father or with her maternal grandmother. The mother tended to run the roads for the baby’s first year of life if she wasn’t bedding down at my house for a few weeks at a time. I did keep a calendar of when she was here.

The mother left the baby with us when she was 10 months old never to be seen again by anyone until the child turned 13 months old at which time she showed back up engaged to a soldier in the Army. However that didn’t keep her from having a few more flings with my son. Now I do have to admit that when the baby was 11 months old we started splitting time with the maternal grandmother because I felt it was only fair. She wasn’t her daughter and she loved this child. The maternal grandmother was already raising the mothers first son who the mother had at age 19 from a 15 year old boy. Yeah you read that right. Pedophile. Why charges were not filed I don’t know.

The mother was married in early August and a week before that she had slept with my son. Lovely huh?

Anyway after that we had the child every weekend or at most every other weekend if they had something special to do. We had this little girl for every Xmas including her very first one and if I had not called over there to ask them if they wanted her, they would have never called. We had her ever other one up through her 5th Xmas. We took her up to VA most of the time. We took her on trips to the beach, we took her to the White House Easter Egg roll. We did everything with her. I spent an entire year and lots of money on dance classes for her when she was four.

The only thing her mother has done is put her in beauty pageants and she has asked us for money for those. I have bought countless dresses, shoes, outfits and paid fees for her. We also went to all the pageants that were in the NC area.

Her mother enrolled her in daycare fraudulently by saying she was living at her mothers house when she was actually living with her husband at Ft Bragg. I am not even sure she was still going to school She also sent her to Head Start saying the same things. The child didn’t qualify for that program because of both income and location. Her mother was actually working at the time but she wasn’t reporting that income and she was living in another town so she used her mothers address. Same with Kindergarten when she started school.

The stepfather got transferred to another base in the middle of the child’s kindergarten year but the mother said she was going to leave the oldest two kids here in NC and have them go live with her during the summer. We all agreed with that. She didn’t adhere to that part of her bargain. She came and got the kids during the summer when the little girl turned 5 and that was it. We saw her for about a month that summer and we have seen her for a grand total of about 19 days since then. She had promised us that she was moving back home here to our town in NC this Dec because her husband was getting transferred back her to get out of the Army and they were buying a house but now she tells us this isn’t happening. We probably wont see the child until who knows when. We cant even talk to her because her mother screens her calls. She wont do skype either. The real kicker is they came to our town for halloween and never even called her father or us, her paternal grandparents. I only found out when I came upon pictures of them on facebook.

You cannot imagine how hurtful this is. We made a huge mistake in not going in before the child left originally and having an injunction filed so she couldn’t leave the state but my son naively believed the mother.

I don’t know what he can do now other than go to court if and when she ever steps foot back in NC. He doesn’t have the funds to go to her state and fight there.

Hi. We don’t know each other outside of facebook but I’m hoping u can help me. I’m trying to find a way to change the custody system here in NC. It’s slanted towards women. Ask any lawyer such as I did and they say that as the father I should be lucky to get every other weekend and some time in summer. This was before we had even talked of situation. Where is it written that you are a worse parent cause you are a man? Even after court I’ve gotten no help. There’s no running water at my kids moms house but Brunswick DSS told me they wouldn’t do anything? I’m not a bitter man I just want fair treatment. Oh an child support needs to be amended. I don’t mind paying but when there’s no water and she’s buying a dog with the $600 I gave her something’s wrong. Sorry so long but I’m passionate about this. I want to make a change and the media is a good outlet to unearth problems and right wrongs. May not help me but could help future single dads not get railroaded. I’ve emailed all my so-called govt reps and gotten no response. Would love to share my full story and get some insight on how to change this archaic govt we have in NC. Thanks for your time.

My ex was cheating on me while I was at home watching kids. I told her it wasn’t working out and a few days later she stole my children and hid them. I contacted attorney after attorney and they all said oh you will be happy to get every other weekend and some weeks in summer. This was before I ever opened my mouth. Why was I behind the eight ball from the start? Cause I’m a man? I’ve read several posts and I am in New Hanover County as well. It’s not just Judge Noecker. Blackmore is the worst. Anyway after going through a war of financial attrition (her lawyer took payments, mine needed a ton of money up front) and being told the best I would get just because I’m the dad I gave in. Only the lawyers won on that. Then after my hours at work were cut drastically I tried to lower my support payment. Couldn’t afford a lawyer so I definitely had a fool for a client. Judge told me from the start I had no chance without a lawyer. Never mind my income was a fraction of what it was. Now it slowly builds to levels that I get taken to court to pay it. No matter how much I pay it never seems to go down. I’m going to actually be in jail probably tomorrow for the crime of being poor. Will miss my oldest daughters birthday and my one week at Christmas. My three year old has spent a small percentage of her life actually with me. Why are we hurting our kids. I can do some time but my girls will suffer greatly from missing our time together. They are both daddy’s girls and it sucks for them. Why does this continue to be the way?

Hi Chris,
First, sorry to hear about your situation. Nobody can say exactly why the system is biased against fathers, but it has been for going on six decades. There are several issues we think stackes the deck against NC Fathers, and the first glaring one is that lawyers make lots and lots of money from parents when they fight for 18 years and the NC Bar Association and American Bar Association thwart any talk of leveling the playing fields. The second glaring issue is that the State of NC actually receives federal money on the amount of child support they collect, and that money is then used to pay for social services programs for which the State has no other way to pay. So the best way to collect more federal funds is to collect more child support. The quickest way to collect more child support is to put as much distance between fathers and children as possible.

In addition to lawyers, there are very well funded and super powerful lobby groups that have been around for six decades who demand women and children centered courts. They sway elections, and there is no lobby for non-custodial fathers and families. Until this changes, fathers like you will get the short end of the stick.

My husband is a wonderful father and stepfather. He is going through so much with his ex-wife and seeing his kids. He has done everything a responsible father should since the day he left the marriage. Paid the house payment so his kids could stay in there home, got everything they needed for school the list goes on and on. The courts don’t take any if that into in to play when it came to child support. He went to court last year and the court ordered him to make a payment directly to her and she was to make the house payment and all household bills out of that payment that was not deemed child support and she did not make a house payment and the house went into foreclosure. When he took her back to court the judge ordered him to see what he could do to catch the house payment up not her and nothing was done to her she just got to keep the money. He went back to court to have child support set and she asked for back support and was given 7000.00 in back support and given 1500.00 a month support and gets to claim both kids on her taxes and said it was bad for the kids to stay with us in Sunday night and us take them to school because they have to get up a half hour earlier than if they was with her so one of his nights was taken away. His oldest son is 17 has a truck that he can drive anywhere but our house. She also does no driving we go get them on Friday and take them back to her on Sunday night. Tell me how this can happen?

Dwwn, welcome to NC Fathers and for commenting. We hope you will join our Mailing List and Facebook Page to be a part of change. Explaining how this can all happen is simple:

Lawyers make TONS of Money when parents fight for 18 years. Making the system about inequality ensures fighting and rich lawyers

By your husband paying $1500,00 a month in child support, he also triggers $1500,00 a month in federal money back to NC to pay for low income assistance programs. Research Title IV-D of the Social Security Act.

There are organizations that have been around since the 1970’s who have a lot of members, funding, and power. Because of the power, they have a lot of lobbying potential. These organizations demand women and children centered courts at the demise of fathers, step-mothers, paternal grandmothers, step-siblings, and paternal aunts and uncles.

I think if the deck is stacked against fathers, particularly those not married, then there has to be an alternate route to get the family court to focus on fairness. Paying tons of money over the course of 18 years isn’t the trick. Has anyone given thought to bringing a suit against the adoption agencies, so-called “house” homes and the state licensing agency that are the source of “trafficking” our children into the system in the first place? How many fathers have been mistreated by these so-called caregivers and adoption agencies who fail to notify fathers of their rights? Certainly negligence is an issue.

I just feel it’s amazing that the father of my two year old daughter and the only one around for my other children is in jail because the courts don’t care if there are kids involved or if they have a job that they support their family with is lost just because he is on a medication that the judge doesn’t like the system is flawed at best so thanks for destroying our lives all 5 of them

Both are in industries that make a lot of money for attorneys feeding
from their offal.
Last year, over $8 billion was paid to attorneys who practice Family
Law.

Jilted spouses and abandoned plaintiffs will readily concede that they
were worth every dime. Who can argue when the battle is joined in the
interests of providing for the reasonable needs of the marital
children?

The conflict is often a titanic struggle. To the victor goes the
spoils.

Lawyers skilled in the fine art of discovery lay open the financial
affairs of private individuals and arrange them on a platter with all
the flair of a master chef. Opposing attorneys agree to argue, for an
advance retainer, the benefits of orthodontics, the requirement of
psychological counseling, the long-term effects of fecal-retention
syndrome, and the doubtful merits of Missy’s horseback riding lessons.

Before you know it, you’ve run up a hefty six figure legal bill and a
visitation schedule that is more complex than the 1991 battle plans
for “Operation Desert Storm”.

I should know. My ex-spouse’s divorce tagged me for nearly $120,000
in legal and professional fees. It destroyed two professional
practices and cost me my job at a third. The action followed me for
six years from North Carolina to California then back to Pennsylvania.
It froze my bank accounts, my investment accounts, my pension
accounts, and resulted in the cancellation of $1.2 million in life
insurance trusts for the benefit of my children.

Much to their misfortune, those events are going to adversely affect
the welfare of my children for the rest of their lives.

It is a system gone badly awry.

The tactics long-employed by pugnacious law firms but previously
reserved for drug cartels have become so effective in Family Court
matters that they were recently adopted by the United States
government in order to apprehend high-profile corporate criminals and
foreign terrorists.

Somebody ought to put the interests of the family back in Family Law.

That’s hard to do in states where Attorney Generals are stumping for
re-election, where the legislators in many states are attorneys, where
member firms support the local legal society, where judges who were
once attorneys at these member firms establish case law and precedent,
and when there’s so darn much money to be made.

It is a regular feeding frenzy. The participants in Family Court
actions are not only viewed as cannon fodder but also as a recurring
source of legal fees. Are you an attorney looking to buy another
vacation home? Just file half-a-dozen motions this afternoon. Are
private school tuition payments due for your children? Pull out your
“out-of-state dads” file and go for a few default judgments.

The stock boom of the 1990’s did more than increase the size of many
marital estates. It also increased the motivation of parties in this
now flagging economy to defend a right to their fair share of the
spoils. Even if the spoils no longer exist.

Although the stock market Crash of 2000 may likely be remembered for
the torrid cash burn rates that preceded the Internet Bubble’s “busted
flush”, the practice of Family Law appears to be flourishing. In
fact, it has become a veritable billing field.

The children are the innocent casualties.

Parenting, as I knew it before my divorce, was a shared
responsibility. It still is. Somewhere along the way, the courts
appear to have ruled that only a father had the responsibility to
support the children. This seems odd, particularly when
college-educated, income-producing women often play an active role in
managing the fuse on their biological clocks.

When a mother who has neatly painted herself into the “I am a victim
of the other woman” corner goes to court, at what point does she
become responsible for financially supporting the children and
accountable for carrying out a legal vendetta that results in the
total destruction of the family father figure?

Justifiably, some deadbeat dads need to be drawn and quartered. Their
children will one day become future citizens, taxpayers, and more
likely than not, parents of the same. Somebody needs to discipline
these dads about their financial responsibilities. If you can’t
support your children, you shouldn’t have them.

The same goes for women.

The recent perp walks by deadbeat dads and their public spanking not
only reinforced the notion of the FBI’s mastery in solving domestic
crime, but it also made moms everywhere feel good.

The return to “family values” momentarily appeased even those who were
disappointed in the efforts of the CIA, NSA, FBI, and combined United
States Armed Forces to locate and apprehend Osama bin Laden.
Victimized spouses short on shopping funds and long on their credit
cards agree that nailing those domestic terrorists masquerading as
deadbeat dads was good for the country.

And it taught all a lesson that American soccer moms, comfortably
ensconced in their SUV’s and standing firmly behind their bulldog
attorneys at local Family Courts, are not to be trifled with or taken
lightly.

I had no idea of any of this in 1962 as I fervently recited the
“Pledge of Allegiance” in Mrs. Reed’s 4th grade class. Even those
“get under the desk, close your eyes, and turn away from the window”
drills for that extra margin of safety in a nuclear blast provided no
hint of the scorched earth tactics that would be used against me
during my divorce thirty-five years later.

These days, a new legal landscape has been carved out of the heart of
this once-fine country.

I asked my mom, now age 77 and who single-handedly raised five
children after my dad died of a heart attack after nine years of
battling kidney failure, how she would have faired if the specter of
legal blather from Family Law attorneys were added to her pile. She
replied, “Honey, the Family Law industry didn’t exist when your dad
and I were married. We never knew anyone who needed the counsel of an
attorney in handling a divorce. That’s what friends were for.”

My, how times have changed.

Today I am nearly penniless and barely breathing after the nightmare
of the last six years. Even the U.S. government’s legal spat with
Microsoft’s ambition of owning the computing world was resolved in
less time.

The results of my seventeenth hearing in the North Carolina Family
Court system on August 5, 2002, now attorney “pro se” because I can no
longer afford to pay for one, left me feeling as though I’d been
teleported to a pro-Taliban high counsel in Kandahar wearing an
American flag and a “kick me” sign.

These days, a totally different dynamic is in place in most family
court systems where any semblance of justice has been tainted by
biased judges, greedy attorneys, and intractable ex-spouses. Can
anyone explain to me how the tactics of these individuals are
different from al Qaida who have pledged Jihad?

Although the scandal within the Family Court system erupted a long
time ago, the results currently meted out by some Courts have become
more lop-sided than a Duke University v. Radnor High School
basketball game and nearly as predictable as Big Ten officiating.

It is no surprise that the stink in some courtroom decisions suggests
the process has even become more corrupt and dirtier than politics.

Yet these metaphors do not hold a candle when describing the “home
court” advantage afforded Wake County residents in the North Carolina
Family Court system. Particularly when the opponent is an
out-of-state dad wearing a scarlet letter “A” on his jersey and who
lied about it his first appearance in court.

Am I the only individual in the country who was ashamed to admit such
an indiscretion and a breach of the “for better or for worse” marital
vows?

Right. I thought as much. When a partnership fails, there is more
than enough fault to go around.

Caught in the undertow of an unforgiving stock market, an unmercifully
harsh economic climate, and a job market that exists only in the minds
of a few, I still paid child support. Only after depleting all of my
savings and exhausting all other alternatives, I filed a “Motion to
Reduce” child support in September, 2001.

I needed the reduction for several reasons.

Three years is a long time for a brutal bear market.

My misplaced belief in the “independent” advice of Morgan Stanley’s
Mary Meeker, Merrill Lynch’s Henry Blodgett, and Gruntal’s Joe
Battapaglia caught me flat-footed when the bottom fell out of the
market. The doubtful veracity of corporate financial results filed
with the SEC and the talking heads on CNBC added fuel to the fire and
incinerated in a few short months a net worth that had taken thirty
years to build.

My average income for the last three years has been $14,000. I have
no house, a negative net worth, and drive a car with 170,000 miles on
the odometer. Although the utilities are current, I have not had the
money to pay rent for several months.

After retaining an executive counseling firm, applying to over 6,000
jobs, paying nearly $20,000 in job hunting expenses, and taking
interviews in eight different states without an offer, I had run out
of money.

Newspaper headlines across the country seemed to agree that the
economy had also run out of jobs.

It just simply was not possible to pay $2,000 per month in child
support for four children and an additional $350 or so for medical
expenses on what I was making. Those amounts were more than I earned.
How was I to pay for visitation expenses? How was I to live? How
was I to render unto Caesar the requisite federal and state income
taxes?

Even when the children were with me for the summer, I still had to pay
child support to their mother. Does that make sense to anyone?

My ex-spouse was a college graduate, had in excess of $600,000 in
assets, a house that was fully paid for, and an income producing job
that paid her $21,000 this past year. She also had in me an ex-spouse
who drove over 40,000 miles the last three years to visit his four
children during the one weekend per month permitted by the court. When
times were better, I had paid over $110,000 in previous child support,
alimony, and medical reimbursements.

You should have heard her howling in court the moment after the judge
dismissed my motion for temporary reprieve. Her invective-laced
sobbing accompanied by screams of relief made you wonder about her
motives during her victory lap.

The choreography was superb.

It was a public display of a hate so criminal that it should have been
jailed. It froze the bailiff in his tracks and stunned the gallery in
the court. The judge waved a finger at me and said: “If you say one
word, ONE WORD, you are going down.”

How appropriate it occurred in North Carolina, land of lynching
repute.

The judge’s ruling was based on the Wolf case that was decided by the
North Carolina Court of Appeals on July 16, 2002.

In that appellate case, the court refused to modify support determined
on the basis of an individual’s earning capacity instead of his actual
income.

How that case applied to me was anybody’s guess. I had logged over
2,000 hours looking for additional work in the aftermath of my job
termination through sanctioned Family Court action, the Stock Market
Crash of 2000, the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, and the
longest recession on record since the Great Depression. I provided
over 1,500 pages of job listings, emails, rejection letters, and many
of the financial documents that supported my efforts to demonstrate
that my circumstances had indeed changed.

Surely some form relief was warranted.

Like many American citizens these days, I was involuntarily
underemployed, not unemployed. So too were hundreds of thousands of
other well-educated individuals in the wakes of the Enron, Arthur
Andersen, Adelphia, World Com, and Tyco debacles. So were those
individuals laid off or who had their hours reduced from nearly every
major company in the United States. The sectors included the telecom,
airline, investment banking, venture capital, and brokerage industries
and nearly every other as companies downsized and attempted to “cut”
their way to a profit.

Equally unemployed were many of the good citizens of North Carolina,
which, according to the September 2002 Bureau Labor of Statistics had
one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.

But if anybody was wondering about the justice for out-of-state dads
in the North Carolina Family Court system, well now, there is no
longer any need to wonder.
There is simply no justice for out-of-state dads where the North
Carolina Family Courts are concerned. The recent decision in my
hearing rendered by the Wake County Family Court judiciary has cast
doubt upon the veracity of their entire legal system.
The court once again deviated from their own guidelines for support
and ordered me to pay $2,000 per month plus all medical. How is such
a decision possible for a dad with no home, no net assets, and no
money?

There is, of course, much more to the story.

The Wake County North Carolina Family Court system feeds those who
make their living frequenting the court rooms on the 8th and 9th
floors and the judge’s chambers. In fact, the system exists to feed
itself. Attorneys with their over-sized legal bills always stand at
the front of the line.

The system takes money from their dad and gives it to their mom with
virtually no accountability. Despite the overly generous amounts I
have paid in child support, their mother has been starving them. She
testified she spends $350 per month on food for one adult, three
teenagers, and an eleven year-old. She has made them buy their own
clothes, intercepted my letters to them, withheld their “CARE”
packages, and routinely made them unavailable for visitation.

On one occasion, I flew from California to North Carolina for my
court-approved visitation only to find the house dark and empty. Her
boyfriend had taken my kids and her to a concert.

I will be the first to say that she has been a real pain.

During the last six years, I have appeared in front of three different
judges in the North Carolina Courts as an out-of-state dad in what has
now become seventeen hearings. I have lost every one: the fourteen I
had when I could afford an attorney and the three that I had when I
could not.

I have appeared in court by flying six times from San Francisco, a
5,600 mile round trip, and by driving eleven times from Philadelphia,
an 850 mile, sixteen hour drive.

That’s 33,600 miles of flying and 9,350 miles of driving to attend
Family Court hearings. Three hearings were continued. On one
occasion, although the Plaintiff’s attorney appeared, the Plaintiff
did not, hoping for the convenience of a default judgment.

It gets better.

I filed the Motion for Change in Circumstance on September 30, 2001.
Although the Plaintiff and her attorney appeared in court on November
26, 2001, they requested additional time and the judge granted their
motion. One more wasted drive. The plaintiff’s attorney took my
telephone number and deftly handed me his business card with the
invitation to call so we could coordinate our schedules.

But all I got from his secretary when I called was that he didn’t have
his calendar with him. Apparently, ever.

During the next 210 days, the Plaintiff’s attorney refused to answer
any of my correspondence or take any of my telephone calls to discuss
the case. Seven months later, having failed to obtain my day in
court, I filed a complaint with the North Carolina State Bar citing
unethical behavior on the part of the attorney. I provided copies of
my phone records to the law office where I left nearly a dozen
different messages as well as certified mailing receipts. After a
pro-forma investigation, the North Carolina State Bar determined there
was no basis for my claim.

During the June 3, 2002 hearing which was again continued to a later
date, the Plaintiff’s attorney told the Court I had been in Raleigh,
North Carolina visiting my children and that I had hardly been
inconvenienced by driving 850 miles for the scheduled hearing.

It was a lie, and of course, I told the judge so. I had the toll
booth receipts in my car from that morning’s 425 mile drive. The Ft.
McHenry tunnel receipt in Baltimore, Maryland and exactly one hundred
miles outside of Philadelphia is nearly one-quarter of the way to
Raleigh, the capital of the Tar Heel state and home of the infamous
Wake County Family Court.

I pointed to the attorney and called him a liar. The judge told me to
sit down and shut up or I was going to jail.

Properly chastised, I filed a second complaint with the North Carolina
State Bar against the Plaintiff’s attorney citing the lie. I also
provided copies of toll booth receipts for the Delaware Turnpike and
Ft. McHenry tunnel. After a second pro-forma investigation, the North
Carolina State Bar determined there was no basis for my claim.

“No foxes in this henhouse,” said the fox.

On August 5, 2002, over eleven months after I filed my motion, the
case was heard. How Pollyannaish was it of me to think that justice
might be blind? But then again, perhaps it was merely short-sighted.

The plaintiff’s attorney reveled in my job misfortunes and my failure
to produce a greater income. Theoretically, I should be making a much
higher wage as an MBA and CPA. It didn’t matter that fifty year old
MBA’s were a dime a dozen or that thousands of CPA’s were out of work.

Reasonable people would agree that hypothetical earnings should not
count for much unless child support can also be paid with hypothetical
dollars. They have learned that lesson from World Com’s smorgasbord
of income manipulation that hid over $9 billion in real operating
losses with theoretical accounting adjustments.

The attorney on the other side of the aisle objected to substantially
all of the evidence I attempted to enter into the court record. The
judge largely agreed. He didn’t want to slog through the more than
1,500 pages of discovery I had been asked to provide. Besides, he was
on his way to lunch with another judge, and clearly had no time,
patience, or sympathy for an underemployed, out-of-state dad.

He instructed me to pick one of the documents and he would allow that
document into evidence.

After his lunch, in no uncertain terms, he denied my claim for relief.
He also denied the Plaintiff’s claim for legal fees. The judge also
instructed the Plaintiff’s attorney to draft a proposed order and mail
it to the applicable parties for review.

Five days after I received the proposed order, I provided an
alternative proposed order. I faxed it to the judge and mailed it via
first class mail to the Plaintiff’s attorney.

A week later, with neither order entered by the court, imagine my
dismay to find a new “Motion to Show Cause” in my mailbox. A nice
transmittal letter was attached. It stated there would be other
follow-on motions filed by the Plaintiff’s attorney. Although readily
admitting the recent order had not been entered in court, they also
demanded their legal fees. My estimate of their fees for this action
was something on the order of $8-12,000.

I could spend 100% of my time just answering their motions and driving
back and forth to court. How does that benefit my children?

Unfortunately for the attorney involved, he also should also have
requested a peer review by the North Carolina State Bar since many of
the dates in the new motion citing previous orders were wrong. They
even cited references to 1993 court orders pertaining to my case. I
was still married in 1993 and at least four years away from the
receipt of their first legal letter.

It is absolutely amazing the kind of legal drivel you can churn out
with a good secretary and word processor. The regularity of these
harrassive motions, unlike the regularity of a good bowel movement, is
enough to torture my honest soul. But if this is what Alan Greenspan
had in mind the day he begrudgingly acknowledged an increase in
productivity, then will somebody please take me back to the Stone Age?

I filed my third complaint to the North Carolina State Bar as a result
of this new motion which appeared to be crafted from some prior,
unknown, but “it’s stored-on-the-computer-so-let’s-use-it” filing.

The toxic forum provided for out-of-state dads by the Wake County
North Carolina Family Court System has all but strangled the life out
of me. While it has been a regular ATM machine for the attorneys and
law firms involved, it has taken its toll on all of us. What remains
of “the family”, the children included, is weary of the process.

I have never seen such a wholesale destruction of wealth in my
lifetime.

A sympathetic police chief and friend of long stature tracked me down,
wondering why those whose company we once enjoyed had not heard from
me. For years.

I provided him with the 10,000 foot “fly-by” version of my story.
With good intentions, he offered a remarkably simple solution. “One of
my deputies is going through a divorce. I suggested the 20-50 plan:
pay $20K for a Harley and $50 for a sleeping bag. You need to serve
me? Then find me.”

That, of course, works for awhile. As long as you don’t have kids
that you’re just madly in love with that are held hostage by some
Family Court order. I had ruled that option out years ago. Besides,
these days, I couldn’t afford to pay for even a used Vespa.

“But child support is based on income. They can’t take more than you
make.”

In North Carolina, oh yes they can.

Although a simple class in “Economics 101” will convince you that you
cannot spend money you do not have, the laws in the North Carolina
Family Courts appear to condone deficit spending.

They most certainly tolerate the legal shenanigans that lead to such
troubling decisions.

This past summer, my oldest daughter filled a backpack with her
precious things, called a cab from her mother’s home, and took the
train out of Raleigh to live with her dad. She attends public school
in Philadelphia. It marked a turning point in her life where the
detritus of her mother’s unfettered enmity towards her father finally
drove her away. In a few short years, her siblings may follow.

I don’t know that I would have had the courage at age 17 to make such
a decision.

She is doing very well, thank you, without the benefit of the faulty
vision of the North Carolina Family Court judiciary system. The
recent motions filed by her mother conspicuously omit the fact that
the oldest daughter has been living with her dad for the last five
months.

This year I have worked four jobs: as a web site writer, as an
accountant, a handyman, and a painter. I celebrated my 50th birthday
on September 17, 2002 at the top of a twenty-eight foot ladder
painting the trim on a warehouse in Pottstown, Pennsylvania.

I have been reduced to selling personal items on eBay in order to pay
for some of the past due child support. Holiday and birthday gifts
may have to wait a few years. Be sure you bookmark my auctions. I
would greatly appreciate it.

I am still battling with the Internal Revenue Service over the
exemption for the children. My ex-spouse mistakenly believes she is
entitled to take them as dependency exemptions on her income tax
return and has done so since 1998. She earned no money and received
the appropriate amount of child support. Although I have been a
practicing CPA the last 24 years, I simply am incapable of
understanding the IRS’s reasoning.

It is a darn shame that I am still required by North Carolina to pay
an ex-spouse child support for a child who is no longer living with
her. Especially since my daughter has SAT’s and college application
fees coming up.

Don’t even start with me about how I plan to pay for her college.

The punishment to my daughter does not fit the crime. In fact, she
committed no crime. She simply loves her dad. And I need her. She has
been a delight in my life. One day, all my kids will somehow grow up
and make their own decisions. Yours will too.

Wherever I live, the “Welcome” mat for my children is always out.

But what do you do about “Hairbow” hate crimes still hiding behind the
skirts of Family Court systems? It is indeed unfortunate for the
civilized members of society that the judges and bottom-feeders at the
Family Court trough have yet to realize that they have exacerbated the
problem. In North Carolina, there is currently no “family” in the
Family Courts.

Indeed, the courts in North Carolina appear to have targeted the
wholesale destruction of the once sacred institution of fatherhood.

They have certainly confiscated its dignity.

I am now “on the record” with my opinion that North Carolina is a
state that more closely resembles a Dante’s “Inferno” that has shaken
my belief in the judicial system to its core. Family Court is little
more than a country road game of chicken where attorneys are driving
eighteen-wheelers and out-of-state dads are riding bicycles.

The credibility of those courts is in tatters as a result of the
disconnect between Family Court decisions and an ability to pay.

You must give that matter some serious thought before you consider
moving to North Carolina. It can be a nice place to visit. But would
you really want to live there

The mother of my 3 grand children has temp. Custody. Following an investigation by dss, she placed the children in a relatives home. Dss told my son that this was her choice and they would not get involved in custody issues. My son had to hire a lawyer to get the case in front of a judge to get temp.custody of his children. Dss has already been served with papers but the mother hasn’t been able to be served yet. Any recommendations?

Shari, thanks for commenting. Your story is very similar, DSS can’t by law get involved in custody cases and from what you have told us it sounds like just that. All you can do is hire an atty, let him/her try to find the mother and get your case in front of a Judge assuming you don’t go broke first.

I would like to know why the laws in North Carolina aren’t changed to assist the Father’s in the majority of these cases? It appears that the court systems in North Carolina are made up of very BIAS JUDGES that said with the mother/girlfriend whether she is fit or unfit. This is wrong on so many levels. I have never seen such bias by any judicial system than here in North Carolina. I will begin a petition to get this law changed or at best get these biased judges dismissed.

My “first-hand experience” is too extensive to cover all here. Suffice it to say that I have been battling alone for 13 1/2 yrs now…. battling to pursue and protect my parental rights even WITH a joint custody order in place. First round lasted over 2 years. I went through 3 Attorneys and in the end, represented myself and won. Five years later, I had to hire another attorney to file Motion of Contempt – the mother and her dad doing all they could to poison those kids against. Another two years, another $12k and I got 90% of my petition requests granted through the courts. Now is time for round three – the mother is yet again attempting to deny my contact with the children…. I called the County Sheriff’s Office yesterday to perform a Welfare Check since I haven’t been able to contact the kids now for three weeks. Deputies acted as if it was a major inconvenience to do their job….

My plans are to file Motion to Show Cause as to why the mother should not be held in contempt of the court ordered custody arrangement, probably request yet another (the third) psychological evaluation and file Parental Alienation of Affection suit against her and her father… it’s called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and North Carolina is one of the few states that hear those types of cases. My legal research into this issue just beginning. I have literally lost everything to pursue my rights as a Dad; at least $500k over the course of this needless and harmful process. I will be preparing this case on my own because I doubt that legal aid will offer any aid to me. Broke. Full time college student now trying to re-tool myself for a second life career. Oh and I spent two months in jail while I was waiting to have my Motion to Modify my child support heard…. from $80k/ a year to under $15k/ year. I was in College, receiving GI BILL VRAP and PELL funding to return to school. The Child Support Judge chastised me for going back to college. I felt returning to college was my best option as I have been substantially unemployed since 2010. Since the Courts could not legally take my education funding (yes, before being incarcerated, I had begun paying towards my child support obligation, just not as much as they wanted)

I am new to North Carolina. I dropped everything in my life and moved from New Jersey to North Carolina as soon as I found out my girlfriend (who was going to school in Chapel Hill) was pregnant with our child. We moved to Asheville and I worked very hard for two years to love and support our family. I paid all the bills, was saving money to propose to my girlfriend, and was elated with every moment that I spent with our son. But three months ago my girlfriend literally walked up and told me that she didn’t love me anymore. That’s it, no further explanation, and moved out a few weeks later.

Since then I have tried everything to put my family back together to no avail. So for three months I have had my son for 50% of the time on a rotating weekly schedule. This is sickening. I love my son. I still love the girl who walked out on me. But she continues to exhibit a sense of entitlement and disrespect of my role as a father. Every so often she will threaten me with filing for child support, or taking me to court for custody of our son.

I have been trying to learn NC’s custody laws but they are a little confusing to me. I have spoken to a few lawyers but they have recommended that I NOT file for joint custody. To my understanding, having my son 50% of the time is the best I can ever expect in my situation. If I file for joint custody a primary residence will have to be established, and in most cases, that will go to the mother. I could also lose time with my son if this happens.

So I pose three questions:

1. Even though my child still lives with me for 50% of the time (I still have to provide food, shelter, diapers, wipes, clothing, and half of daycare money) can she still take me to court for child support?
2. Is the mother not responsible for these things when our child is with her?
3. What can I do to ensure that the time I share with my son is not taken away by anyone?

My son is the only reason I am in North Carolina. I have no friends or family here. I refuse to abandon him and can not stand the thought of losing any more time with him than I already have. I also have no malice toward the mother. All I want is my family. All I want is to be is a great father.

I wish you all the best with your situation. As I have mentioned before, North Carolina’s judicial System is still in the dark ages and they don’t care if you’re the best Father/Daddy in the entire state, NC always gives the child to the Mother. Some of these Mother’s are worthless, selfish, self absorbed, neglectful to the children, leave the children to go off with their new lover etc., but NC law will continually give custody to the Mother. This is a travesty and I would advice NO ONE GET MARRIED IN NORTH CAROLINA or GET DIVORCED in NORTH CAROLINA because if your the Father/Daddy you will get taken to the cleaners and screwed to boot. I know this first hand. And if you’re fortunate enough to find a good attorney, they will make you pay out your butt for the rest of your life for them to represent you. I am so disgusted with North Carolina’s dark age mentality it’s sickening. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers because until the laws in North Carolina change or these idiot judges make sound and proper decisions, the Father’s will always be the ones tat lose. Good luck Navin Johnson.

When you get a chance, what would you say to this… Mother of my sons’ response to me discussing visitations, Dr appointments etc. She thinks her intelligence is always gonna look down to me. Please help me come up with a response to her!

I would submit NO reply to her and hire an attorney and let him/her deal with it. Were you and the child’s mother married when the child was conceived/born? If so, you have every legal right to be at the child’s Dr visit. If not, you need to hire an attorney because of the complexity in being a putative father.

It appears from the letter that the mother is taking control and telling you how you will be a father. Thus, any letter back to her will be futile. Hire an attorney, cease all communications with her, and let your attorney deal with it.

I will also submit this is the time that women typically make false allegations of domestic violence to secure their winning any custody battles. I suggest never being alone with her, and not communicating with her and hiring an attorney today.

I raised my daughter alone from the time she was 6 months to 2 years old. I was fine with it. I moved on and met a great girl and we had a decent little family going.

Then my daughters mother comes out of the woodwork needing money to raise the other child she had shortly after we parted ways. I told her I didn’t have money to give her. Next thing I know I’m in court in Randolph County NC, becoming the “non-custodial” parent of the daughter I’d raised this far.

I did retain 47% visitation, but that’s not good enough. She didn’t even KNOW her mom. She knows the neighbors better for heavens sake. It was my fault for not getting a lawyer. I didn’t think there was a judge on earth who would rule with her mother.

Her mom gets welfare, I made $80k/yr. I pay her $900/month in child support, even when I have her nearly half the time.

Then I lost my job due to outsourcing and I file to lower child support, the judge says “you can do better than that”, and tells me child support will stay at $900/mo til we have another hearing on Dec 17th. Even though legally they can’t take the full $900 because it’s more than 40% of my monthly pay, they still take 40% and I still have to raise my child half the time.

But it gets worse. The unthinkable happens…. Her mom is so angry she won’t be getting paid much that she calls social services and says I’m molesting my own daughter. She has nothing to substantiate this claim, but a DSS agent comes to my house and says I’m not allowed to be alone with my child til they can investigate, which won’t be for 3.5 weeks.

I meet with them this Thursday.

I’m worried they will say she is to go to her mothers with me only getting visitation, just so they can collect $ for welfare, and I’m not even making a lot anymore.

My baby is 4 now, she’ll be 5 in March. And this was never about money for me. My concern is that I won’t be the daily figure in my child’s life that I have been from the beginning. I know nothing inappropriate has happened to my daughter, she would have told me if someone had done something like that to her. But I’ve encountered such a lopsided system so far, that I fear DSS will stick me with minor visitation. NOTHING surprises me with DSS and the courts in NC anymore.

As far as the Judge overturning your custody, it does not surprise me, but yes you did make a mistake not having a lawyer. I hope you do not speak with social services without one this time because if they see that you do not have one they will draw this out many years and likely try to substantiate this. False allegations are rampant in NC custody hearings against fathers as it’s the perfect tactical weapon as you have seen.

Michael, we do not approve every comment that is sent to us. If we did this page would have 5,000 comments and it would affect search engine ranking and load time. Your first comment got your point across. We love comments, but to best help you we ask that you use facebook to have conversations and start working on preparations for our rally in Raleigh. I will delete your initial post as asked.

“I’m a dad, not a wallet.” What may prompt millions of non-custodial dads to say this phrase — or at least think
it? How is it that millions of children of divorce or separation may wonder why they can’t see their beloved Dad, or sometimes Mom, more than 4 to 6 days a month, if that? These are just two of the important questions raised by
Angelo Lobo, Producer and Director of the full-length documentary “Support? System Down,” which examines problems within the nation’s child support system…

I am having a very hard time with not being able to see my child cause the mother decided after court that she wasn’t bringing her for me to get her to her mothers house where we where told by judge lands to meet to exchange for my court ordered visitation, i need help badly with getting something done… I have done been put in jail and I am about to go again if I don’t pay this child support but i have not seen my daughter in over a year, i have Christmas gifts and birthday cards here in her little pink and yellow room in my home like she is here and is going to receive them any day now. I have been blessed by having another 3 week old little girl but my heart still aches every time i go into her room every holiday every birthday and fathers day. I was initially awarded joint custody the first time we went to court but the judge ordered us to MEDIATION.. the mother didn’t want me to see her at all hardly, i think so she could maximize child support.. so we didn’t come to any agreement sadly, so the second court case came up and my attorney THOMAS HUNN backed out the day before court cause i didn’t have just $500 more dollars to represent me this last time after the fact i sold my home to pay the mortgage off and pocket the $3000 to pay for his First fee’s to begin with, so i had to go to court just myself… THE CRAZY THING is, JUDGE LANDS SAID,and i quote ” I see no evidence that either party be unfit for the child’s well-being” so i got happy cause i thought he was going to award joint custody that i told the court myself that i wanted so that i wasn’t taking my daughter from either me or the mother cause that was not my choice to make quote end quote.. Then all of a sudden, LANDS say’s ” I grant full custody to the mother, and the father should have EVERY OTHER WEEKEND”!! WTF??? i was stunned and now here i am not getting any time with her, the mother living off medicaid to pay for her anti-opiate SUBOXONE’S and me facing jail time for 60 days and with no daughter and treated with no rights.. cant someone help me please??

thank you all and i am empathetic to your cause, it touched me to the core cause i can relate so much to the injustices.

I feel this sadness for the men who want to be apart of there children’s life and the mothers are out for blood. I went through a divorce when I was 25 years old and at that time my son was young. I knew that he needed me and his father. His father cheated on me several times and I was a little bitter, but I put our son first in my thoughts. As years went by, my son’s father became my best friend. I simply forgave him; just as we are suppose to do. Now I have a wonderful man in my life and he has been separated from his wife for several years and she cheated on him multiply times and abused him physically and mentally. Yes, women can be like this! This man puts GOD and his children first, so I know he never did anything to hurt her.

They are 10 years apart in age and she has a lot of growing up to do. This man hardly makes enough to support himself! His wife was a waitress and lied to the courts about how much she made, she has taken bath salt when she thought it was cocaine, which ended her up in the Emergency Room by the morning and that same night called him at 3:00 am in the morning thinking she was going to die. She has called him several times when she was out partying and thought one of her suitors was going to hurt her, so as any gentleman would do, this wonderful man in my life called the local police department to make sure she was okay, even though he had to work the next morning. I could write about 10 pages of what this woman has done to him and her children. Now she wants a divorce and even wants him to pay for her car insurance, legal fees, be given the house and just about everything else. She won’t even allow him to see the kids. He pays support and medical on the kids already. She doesn’t even allow him to talk to the girls, not on father’s day, special holidays or even his birthday.

I realize there is a lot of dead beat fathers out there, but what about the good ones out there that the courts already have taken there entire pay checks and can’t even afford legal help and the mothers are receiving monthly pay checks from the fathers, there own pay checks and some ever receive help for others, live in boyfriends or from the government! The mothers are able to afford the legal help and will win almost every case! There needs to be a fund out there that helps these good fathers. I know one day, I will find away to help all good fathers who just want to love there children and be apart of their lives, it’s so important for a child to have both parents.

To Make a Baby ~ You must have been in love with that person or at least had feelings for them? Just a thought!

I support what it is your are trying to do for non custodial parents that want to be a part of their child’s life. And had I only read this info I would completely support your cause. That being said… many of your members and maybe bloggers seem to have a very one sided view to things and have spoken very abusively to anyone’s experience that is different then theirs.

I didn’t have a bad relationship with my child’s father. He was not abusive. We didn’t argue. He wasn’t homeless our a drug addict or wasn’t working. Things just weren’t meant to be and after the split I find out I’m pregnant. By then he has a new girlfriend. When my daughter is born, they have just moved in together. He tells me absolutely he wants to be in his daughters live. But he forgot to mention to the girlfriend he had a baby on the way. I told him I didn’t want child support just for him to be a dad. I invited him and his girlfriend over. Because it wasn’t about us. It was about our daughter. He never came. After speaking with her decides he wants to “opt out” of fatherhood. I told him that was his decision but if there was to be no joint custody and he was not going to be a father, then he would pay child support. You dint get off 100% Scott free. Do I hate him? No. Do I hurt for my child because of his decision? Absolutely. If having a child was more then he can handle, then thank you for being honest. But you still have to help care for her because she is a part of you.

So basically what I’m saying is, press dint judge us all the same. Everyone has a different struggle. Do women and men abuse the system? Yes. Are there parents that use their chosen as pawns? Absolutely. And I dint agree with it. But there are dead beats Pitt there, male and female alike.

I am a single father to three children cause their mother gave them up due to a drug problem after she left me and moved to north carolina and had another child with an abusive felon now she claims she is clean and wants the kids back even though she gave up custody of her new child and is still living with someone who beat m my kids and their mother in front of them. Any suggestions cause I feel the courts hear are partial to mothers. Also even though she has a job the courts only ordered her to pay 144 a month for three children for child support when I’ve seen men ordered to pay 300 for one child with no job in court.

i need help in finding the right paper work in filing for emergency custody of my 2 daughters.there mother left them with her mother so that she can go moved to south carolina with her fugitive husband.the courts in martin county won’t tell me what papers to file they just keep telling me that i have to have a lawyer and the lawyer wants to charge me 2500 for 20 hours which to me is ridiculous.

Unfortunately, we can’t help you with the paperwork because that would be practicing law without a license. And, there is no paperwork for a pro se litigant to file an ex-parte. The system is setup so that you HAVE to use a lawyer.

Roy Jackson
I have a question and I’m hoping you can point me in the right direction. I have a TX order giving me custody of my child. In the order it gave the mother which stays in Henderson,NC summer visitation. The mother blocked communication with me from June 6,2014 until present day. She was suppose to bring my daughter back to TX on August 6,2014 and failed to do so. I’ve made numerous attempts to call her but no answer. She’s sent me text messages saying that she will not comply with the TX order. So I had her served with a habeas corpus to appear with my daughter in court here in the state of Texas and she was a no show. So the TX judge signed off on a write of attachment and my lawyer sent it to Vance County Sheriff’s. He was told that the they could only ask her to give up the child and if she refused it was nothing they could do about it. Then the clerk went on to say that I would have to get a lawyer in North Carolina and go through the same process as I did in Tx. Is there anyway you can put some clarity on this for me. I’ve heard 4 different conflicting procedures on what to do. Thank you for your help in advance Roy Jackson.

My Parental Alienation Journey
– By Derek Harlan
My daughter’s birthday is Christmas Eve. It was on that day, her 4th birthday, back in 2001 that I would unknowingly have my last visitation with her. I cherished that day with her just as much as any day that I was allowed to visit with her, because I knew then that each day could be my last with her.
Like many non-custodial parents, I had gone through the nasty divorce with her mother. I tried to be the nice guy and do only what was best for my daughter because I did not want her to feel the side effects of her parents’ court battle. I went to the court-ordered mediation, while my ex did not. I even offered primary custody and child support to my ex, just so we could keep it out of court and get along for the sake of our daughter. Her mother declined my original offer, electing instead to fight it out in court (and eventually ending up with the same thing I originally offered her, 2 years and thousands of dollars later). My ex had a vengeance against me, and she knew she could use our daughter to ruin me.
In the two years after our split, I was harassed by my ex, had several false allegations thrown at me, and had to see my daughter get beat down emotionally from her own mother’s actions. It got to the point where I had to meet my ex at the police station to pick up and drop off my daughter. I was even arrested and thrown in jail one night while dropping my daughter off. The police told me that my ex had claimed I tried to run her over with my car when picking my daughter up earlier that afternoon. I was shocked that they would throw me in jail on a made up story with absolutely no evidence, but they said it was required by law because it was domestic. My lawyer made my ex look like a buffoon on the stand, constantly catching her in her own lies. Even though the judge found me not guilty and threw the case out, I was constantly scared of what my ex was capable of and what would happen next.
The hardest part of my visitations with my daughter was taking her back at the end of the weekend. She always got really quiet with a somber look when she knew she had to go back home. At first, I would ask her what was wrong. She would always reply that she was sad to go home because she said, “mommy will be mad at me for talking about you”. I eventually quit asking and just tried my best to stay positive with a smile for her. I wasn’t a perfect father, but I never said a bad word about my daughter’s mother in her presence. I had false hopes that her mother would have done the same.
One weekend my daughter came to my house with bruises up and down her back, as well as on her arms. She told me that her mommy had hit her with a blue broom because she was talking about me. At first, I played it cool and tried to shrug it off as a 3 year old kid with a big imagination, even though my daughter was extremely smart and honest for her age. After she told me the same story for about the third or fourth time, I decided I had to call the police. When the officer arrived, my daughter told him the same detailed story, and he said the bruises were consistent with her story. He called social services. My daughter then clammed up and wouldn’t speak. Social services let her go back to her mother’s home the next day.
This only added fuel to the fire that was already burning out of control with my ex. Next thing I knew, social services was calling me with an off-the-wall story my ex told them. I was investigated because my daughter had allegedly taken all her clothes off in a furniture store while with her mother, and did a “naughty dance” that she had allegedly learned at my house. When I laughed at the social services guy for even telling me that crazy accusation, he told me he knew she was lying too. I told him my daughter would have never taken her clothes off in a store while in my custody because I would have stopped her. The social services guy confronted my ex and threatened to take custody from her, and she confessed to making the whole thing up. Finally, my daughter and I would get some justice, right? Wrong! My ex was given a slap on the wrist and only had to take a parenting class.
Needless to say, I had learned from all of these horrific experiences that my daughter would most likely be torn apart from me at some point. I knew I had to make the most of each minute of each visit while I still had the chance. I took my daughter to fun places like the zoo, park, and beach all the time so she would hopefully have lots of good memories from being with me. More importantly, I gave her hugs and kisses every chance I got. I told her I loved her all the time.
We had a great 4th birthday party on Christmas Eve back in 2001. My daughter was happy with the ballerina dress and ruby red slippers she received. We played, ate cake, and even opened some Christmas presents. As the night drew near, I knew it was almost time to take my daughter back to the police station to meet her mother. Then, an instinct came over me. I pulled my daughter to the side for a one on one, heart to heart talk. As I kneeled down, eye to eye with my little girl, I told her again that I loved her. I explained to her that I would always love her no matter what happened in our lives. In the most indirect way possible, I told her that she and I may not always get to be together in person but that we could speak to each other through our prayers. She listened intensely, and agreed. We hugged, I told her I loved her one last time, and then I dropped her off for what would be the last time.
As I went to pick my daughter up the following week for my weekly Wednesday afternoon visitation, I thought about how we could talk all about Christmas and the presents she had received. I was excited for her to be able to play with some of the toys Santa had left at my house. The problem was that my ex didn’t show up that day. I waited a half hour past our scheduled time just to be sure. I attempted to call my ex to find out if they were coming. The bad feeling I had in my stomach was my instincts telling me that this was just the beginning.
After a few weeks of my daughter being withheld from me against the court-ordered custody agreement, and along with my failed attempts to contact her mother, I decided I had to try something. I called the police to see if they could help me pick up my daughter at our scheduled visitation time. They said they could do nothing, and told me I would need to contact the magistrate. The magistrate told me I’d need to get a lawyer and file contempt of court on my ex. I didn’t have any money to get another attorney and continue the never-ending fight against her. I also knew that it wasn’t necessarily the best thing for my daughter to go through the psychological and physical abuse she had to deal with in returning from visiting me. I said a big prayer and threw in the towel. Never before and never since have I felt more helpless, sad, alone, and betrayed.
I always hoped and prayed that one day, when my daughter was old enough, she would look me up. It was especially torturous knowing my daughter lived in the same city as me. When she was about 6 years old, I ran into her at the movie store. Her mother grabbed her and ran out the door as I told my girl I loved her. In 2012, I finally got tired of waiting. I thought, “She’s 15 now so with all the social media, maybe I can look her up”. I went on Facebook, and of course I was blocked from her. I messaged a couple of friends from her school explaining I was her father and asked them to relay the message to her.
It was January of 2013, over 11 years since I had last spoken with or visited my daughter, when I finally got to speak with her again. Unfortunately, it didn’t go anything like I had hoped. My daughter called me in regards to the message her friends had relayed to her for me. When I answered the phone, I was shaking. My daughter proceeded to tell me to never try to contact her again, to stop harassing her friends, and to stop humiliating her. I had no idea that I could humiliate my daughter that I hadn’t seen in years by simply reaching out to her to tell her I loved her. She sounded like her mother had programmed her to hate me, and I just couldn’t understand why.
My own daughter hated me, or so she said, even though she didn’t know me. I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t harassed her friends or her. I was simply a lonesome father reaching out to contact his long-lost daughter. Sure enough, my ex filed to get a restraining order on me. The judge said there was absolutely no basis for the order so he denied it. While in court defending myself, I thought I’d go ahead and ask for my visitation rights to be enforced. He ordered another hearing.
Knowing that I would be going to court and most likely see my daughter again after all those years, I started researching what my options were. I knew I would represent myself, due to my disgust of the North Carolina court system and the corrupt attorneys and judges associated with it. As I researched, I came across a couple of terms that I had not heard of before: Parental Alienation (PA), and Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). I couldn’t believe that I’d never heard of these, yet my daughter and I were victims of it.
Dr. Richard A. Gardner first defined Parental Alienation Syndrome in the 1980’s as “…a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against the parent, a campaign that has no justification. The disorder results from the combination of indoctrinations by the alienating parent and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the alienated parent”. [1] I found that there are several criteria that lead to and help identify those with PAS, and my daughter and I met them all. Criteria I: Access and Contact Blocking – check. Criteria 2: Unfounded abuse allegations – check. Criteria 3: Deterioration in Relationship Since Separation – check. Criteria 4: Intense Fear Reaction by Children – check. [2] The only thing that would have made PAS seem more real to me would have been if my daughter’s picture would have been on the page next to it. In my research, I learned that PAS usually doesn’t hold up in court because it is so difficult to prove and because it isn’t recognized as an official medical diagnosis. I really started to fear my court date.
In preparing for my court case, a crazy thing happened. I received an email from my ex-wife’s mother, who has a psychology degree. Back in the day, she was side by side with my ex in keeping me out of my daughter’s life. Now, she had changed and was sorry. She told me how my ex was keeping my daughter and her siblings from seeing her or any of the grandparents. She told me some of the lies her own daughter had told her about me, and that she had believed them at the time even though she didn’t think I was capable of acting that way. We made amends, and I was shocked that she was willing to go to court with me against her own daughter. That made me feel even more awkward, yet a little hopeful, about going to court. My ex was alienating all of her kids from their family, even the family on her current husband’s side.
It was at that court hearing in January 2013 that I finally got to see my beautiful 15 year old daughter after eleven years. She had grown so much since the last time she was with me as a prissy little 4 year old. Unfortunately, that day didn’t go very well either. Representing myself, I had to question my daughter on the stand in hopes to convince her or the judge that I still deserved my court-ordered visitation rights, and that she was alienated from me due to her mother. My daughter recalled only negative, false memories that her mother had instilled in her. She recalled specific details of a night in which I allegedly took her back to the police station naked after a visitation with her. This never happened. She also recalled an alleged voicemail in which she said I threatened to kill their family. This also never happened. She also said she had feared I would kidnap her at some point over the years. Yet, she didn’t recall going to the zoo, park, beach, family vacation in Iowa, or any of the many good times we’d had. I was speechless and defeated.
In the end, the judge said he didn’t care what my argument was regarding Parental Alienation Syndrome or if my ex-wife was at fault. He only cared what my 15 year old daughter wanted, saying “she’s old enough to make her own decision about you”. She was obviously given no choice by her mother other than to keep me out of her life. I once again threw in the towel, slammed my briefcase shut, and told my daughter I loved her as I stormed out of the court in tears. There was only one minor consolation that day: two separate gentlemen who were in that court awaiting their cases heard my arguments in my case, and approached me at a restaurant later to tell me they were proud of me for fighting for my daughter and for alerting them of the reality of Parental Alienation Syndrome. I guess misery loves company, and they were going through the same thing.
The court system and social services programs in North Carolina have betrayed me, as much as my ex has betrayed my daughter. From day one, there was never a chance for an even remotely healthy relationship with my girl. There was never a chance for justice of any type. I, and thousands of others like myself, am just another case number that represents money in the court system’s pockets. Parental Alienation Syndrome may not be an official medical diagnosis yet, but it is undeniable child abuse. The mental abuse that has been inflicted upon my daughter and thousands of other children like her is every bit as damaging as, if not more damaging than physical abuse. The courts are oblivious to parental alienation because they choose to be, not because they’re that stupid that they don’t realize it exists.
I am thankful for what I have and the good times my daughter and I had. Quality time with your child is more important that the quantity of time. I have no regrets in looking back at my actions, only regrets that situations like these are allowed to and continue to occur. As I sit here and write this, I’m thinking that my story is one that many of you are living right now. The only message I can possibly give you is to not let it ruin you or define you. There are many things in life worth living for, and you will make it through this. Things aren’t always going to work out the way they should. The only things you can control are the actions you make. Fight the good fight and know that you are not alone.
I am now dedicating my fight not to win back the lost time or visitations with my daughter, but to create awareness that Parental Alienation Syndrome is real, and to change the laws that allow it to ruin so many lives. It may be too late for me, but it’s not too late for those beginning their parental alienation journeys. I pray for all of the alienated children and parents out there. I pray that those who are guilty of alienating their children can somehow overcome their personal greed for the sake of their children. And I pray that the legal system and those that have the power to change it will wake up and value human lives more than money. Peace, love, and happiness to all.

I was active duty Army paying $1435.00 a month in child support for my 3 children. I didn’t fight this. They are my kids and I love them. Here is the problem. I tried in July of this year. My pay drastically dropped and my ex was entitled to part of my retirement, roughly $450.00. I finally got a court date in September to have cs modified. It was in fact lowered but my case worker failed to submit the court document to the proper agency. So my family that is with me has gone without many things. I had to call and threaten them to fix my arrears where I had over paid. My case worker refused to talk to me because I had an attorney I tried to explain that every time I talked to my attorney it cost me money I don’t have because they won’t fix the issue at hand. My case worker mailed me an envelope starting a copy of my order was in it in fact it wasn’t. So I couldn’t fix the problem myself. It has been 2 months and the problem has yet to be fixed. Who can I contact to help. My case worker is on fact negligent in her duties. She has sent letters of collection and threats to a city where I’m a volunteer fireman and receive no pay making me look like a bad father when in fact I’ve paid over$1000 what I was expected to. Help help help

Courts are a joke and don’t care about “Whats best for your Child” or else I would have custody instead of a mother who choose drugs over her child and is enrolled in a methadone program because of heroin addiction. Of course you guessed it she did the only trick in the book “Im in fear”… She filed a B-50 restraining order on me. I actually was the one in fear and still shake every time I see her face to exchange our son. I almost went to jail and lost my son for a year because she simply filed out a piece of paper and was guided by a lawyer to gain custody thru this illegal practice. I lost my guns, money, my rights were violated and most important I lost time with my two year old son that I will never be able to get back. Worst of all I have done nothing wrong but been a good father in my sons life. So I am punished and lose custody to a heroin junkie in a methadone program who gets to drive my son around when she’s already totaled 4 cars(in the past year) and nods off with my son in the car. This isn’t justice its bullshit. She has mental disorders but of course we can’t obtain her medical records. I had proof that she was lying on the b-50 videos, texts enough to debunk every word she wrote on that piece of paper and I still am the criminal who lost his son. She even admitted to lying while on the stand to the judge. She still got the Temporary Order. The mother of my child doesn’t let me contact him and my son has no understanding of why he doesn’t see his daddy as munch. Its been near a year now still waiting on my court date but I will keep fighting and will not give up cause God has greater plans for the future and my son deserve a normal life. I don’t sleep at night knowing this is going on and my son life is at risk knowing I can’t do anything about it but just wait. I think thats what makes people go insane is the lack of justice this system contains.

I touched on a few things about my wifes drug issue, but our situations are similar. My wife uses the oh my back line or she has been in and out of the clinic as well, I think it’s BS that she can get high and be mad at herself but turn it around and scream at me until im panicked and they give that lunatic my kids, I am a serious person about my kids and life in general I don’t use drugs and i would never use them as pawns, WTF is wrong with this picture? Im pissed off for you man because i’m going through the exact thing and it’s NOT RIGHT.

What would nc court system most likely do regarding custody of my nephew if my brothers wife is more successful but she abusive towards my brother (the father) in front of child often both verbally and physically. Thanks

Please help point me in the right direction…. I am trying to help my brother who has a son with a young lady. They dated for a few years but have been broken up for almost a year, but have continues to live together for the sake of their child. However, things have gotten unbearable for all parties involved now. He is the primary source of income and support, and the only source of stability for their child. The mother has recently started partying heavily, staying out all night, and neglecting her parental responsibilities. However, with them being unmarried my brother fears that if he were to kick her out of his house that she would get full custody of their child. We are prepared to get him legal representation, to aid him in gaining custody. But, with NC being such a pro-mother state, what is the likelihood of this happening without proving her an unfit mother? Any advice that could possibly lead us in the right direction is much appreciated. Thank you.

I have a friend who’s currently in this situation. His wife hated his philandering ways (and rightly so) but instead of just requiring they separate. She went off in a rage, involved the police, got him thrown in jail. Got a restraining order. He’s not able to see his kids, but yet she still calls him irate about the things he’s doing in his life. It’s really weird the amount of control she thinks she should have. But the courts gave it to her. No questions asked. This is a hands-on dad, with sons who he’s been with from birth. It’s excruciating watching what he’s going through without having any interaction with his kids. It’s enough to truly break a man. No parent should have their parental rights stripped away just because the other parent says they should. He’s being railroaded but there doesn’t seem to be many resources for fathers. Any help

KN2P (KidsNeed2Parents) has been trying for 7 years to reform NC custody law to “rebuttable presumed shared parenting.” This year we have SB519 & HB764 in our legislature, BUT the NC Bar is lobbying against them. We agreed to change “presumed” to “maximum time with BOTH parents,” but now they will not even accept that. PLEASE ask your NC senator & representative to support these bills, & tell them WHY. Thanks!

I can definitely say fathers in NC get the short end of stick. I have been married to my current husband for 9 years. I personally do not have children due to health risk. I loved the fact that my husband had children. They were loved like they were my own. I know the system in NC is broken. My husband pays his ex almost $2000 per month in voluntary support, plus 1/2 of all clothing and extra curricular activities, all of the medical insurance cost, he pay for almost all medical visits because he makes the appointments. He picks up expenses that are ludicrous. He has never missed a payment or denied the kids anything. I started having serious health problems 2 1/2 years ago and my husband took money out of his 401k to pay our bills and maintain child support.

So after 9 years of me begging him to see a lawyer for a reduction in support I am finally getting my wish. The ex decided to get engaged to a man who she dated for short period of time. The kids barely know the son to be stepfather. She announces that she is putting a down payment on a house 5 1/2 hours away, but wanted to type up an agreement to sign privately and not through the court. She wanted to continue current child support, but wanted us to cover travel expenses. Her behavior was ridiculousness and multiple inappropriate behaviors have occurred in her care of the children. So after begging and pleding with my husband her hired an attorney and was granted temp custody order to go out of state.

The legal system is pregidous against men. I consider myself a feminist, but the way woman munipulate the system is unreal. I find it disgusting as a woman. I think many moms treat their kids as pawns. The kids are the victims of the mental and emotional abuse in these situations.

I also have a friend in another state who’s wife was a drug addict. He was oedered out of his home and forced to pay the cost of the home. He slept in his car and got a hotel room when he saw his kids. He ended up loosing his job as a result of all of this. He was given sole custody of the oldest child, but is still in legal dispute for the youngest child. The oldest has testified her mother was an addict, that she abandoned them for days on end and had men in and out. Why is there still a legal custody fight for the youngest child who is still stuck with their mom.

The courts need to drop their bias toward men and look at what is truely best for the child. Just because you pushed out a baby doesn’t make you fit to be a mother. I don’t understand why the kids best interest is not the deciding factor.

I write for a couple of blogs and I am good with words and I have experienced these things first hand…money is the driving force where attorneys use one side..not the child’s side to make more money. Imagine..my ex wife moves away with a lkng distance Bf and I have to pay for her attorney to take my son? Noooo…I COULD get 30 days if I don’t pay and it makes me look like I can’t support my son..who is 11 and has a voice!

Clifford, we are pretty much it. The media has heard over and over and over again that the family courts are about the best interest of the child and that us fathers are all domestic violence offenders and just want shared custody to keep from paying child support. Even the men reporters follow this teaching.

Hey guys Shane from Asheville North Carolina Wednesday my wife’s attorney filed an emergency custody order that the judge signed just on his word. My wife has not let me talk to them and has been breaking the court order not giving me my time with them. If I go by her house she calls the police her sister who works for DSS filed a no contact order against me because I sent her a text telling her to stop spying on me for my wife it was dropped. My wife has tried to file a 50b also dropped she even claimed verbal and physical abuse in front of the kids proven not to be true. I have been fighting for over a year now just for equal time I have filed contempt charges and I get my kids taken from me. I have been trying to pay child support but she wont set it up with child support enforcement where I am court ordered to pay it his lied about child care I have the document and a text from her admittance of this I’m at the end of my rope have not seen my twins in weeks the last time I talked to my son he asked why I have not picked them up if anyone has any ideas.

I’ve read most of the comments/replies … seems so minor — my daughter and both grandsons were murdered by the father/husband, who in the eye of the court of Stokes County, was awarded custody of the children after the husband falsely accused my daughter of being a drug user, stealing money from his account and their son’s account… in other words, an unfit parent (all of this because he paid some crooked backwoods lawyer enough money). She had been a stay at home mother ever since the youngest child had been diagnosed with a rare seizure disorder — she had no means to fight these allegations and no way to support her children without income. After 3 months of separation in which he would not allow her visitation as agreed upon, my daughter went back home to try to save her marriage and be a mother to her children.
My daugher and both grandsons were shot to death on February 4th, and he then killed himself.

Kay, we are sorry for your loss, and feel like if the courts would simply meet both parents in the middle to start out, then move to the current process after a parent has shown to be an ass, then we would have a much better system. One of the most dangerous parts of our courts is that one parent can leave with the children and keep them and if the other parent can’t get the money to hire a lawyer they lose the kids forever. This is happening to both genders, and the murder/suicides are happening with greater frequency in all genders that are DIRECTLY related to the courts which PURPOSEFULLY pit two parents against each other then throw gas on to it so that both go buts and bankrupt.

Be careful the are sorry mother’s who lie and steal children while the father never get to see his child . Then the get screwed by court does time while waiting for a court day to prove his innocence . I’m so prepared to fight all the bullshit about the theft of my little girl .

I would like to join this blog, I am going through something like this, I’ve got the child right now for school. Because the mother is sick but I don’t know what will happen when school is over. I want my son equally I seen this on news 13 and would like to join this group. Because it is not right for us father’s that don’t get to see our kids much.

Hello, my name is Scott. I am one of the fathers in France who climbs cranes & cathedrals. We have done events in cooperation with our English counterparts, I make a cameo appearance in the Argentine film Erasing Dad, and we are always looking for international cooperation. You can see our actions on my website: http://www.sagreiss.org

I have primary custody of my son. I was involved in a car wreck and my parents took advantage of that and filed for emergency custody. How long is that in affect? Now the situation is completely different than when they filed. We went to court and I agreed for my son to stay with them only because I didn’t want him to change schools and I was without a car due to the car wreck which I wasn’t at fault. Now school is out and the court paperwork only specifies he stays there through school. I still have custody of him. Can I legally keep my son now due to the courts never specified any custody concern outside of school. I have everything for my son. My parents dump my son off on whoever. What can I do or what actions should I take now to get my son back full time.

We really can’t advice you on what to do as we are not lawyers, nor is this a law firm. Your only course of action is to hire a lawyer and have the ex-parte pulled or if it was set in permanence then you will have to fight a full custody battle.

Hello…i am a noncustodial parent of my two children. I was put in this situation when my ex wife forged our custody agreement while i was hospitalized about 4 years ago. I have been fighting for joint custody since.
Recently we decided that i should have custody of my oldest son (he’s 15). After having custody of him for 4 months, i decided to make it official through the courts. I filed a motion to modify custody and child support. My ex wife completed the schedule c form. She realized how much money she would be losing and then changed her mind. In what world is this whats best for the child? We have custody mediation September 6 and a follow up to child support modification September 27. I would like to get an attorney bu i cant afford one at the moment. I have a great job and have not missed a child support payment ($1845) in years. I am looking for some advice and direction.

Have all your ducks line3d up in a row, all your checks where you have paid child support, focus on the best interest of the child in EVERYTHING you do and definitely try to make mediation work.

The state and social services really wants you paying child support to the federal government because they get back 66 cents on the dollar. The State has no interest in you having custody, but does with you paying maximum child support. As you know, you paying maximum child support means you have significantly decrease time with your kids. That is your stumbling block. But DON’T bring this arrangement up as it will piss off the Judge.

Dress nice, be kind, humble, state why you think it’s in the child’s best interest, her atty will drag up everything you have done, just stay calm and focus.

I am writing to you in an effort to obtain some help in regards to my two children. Their mother and I separated and subsequently divorced almost 5 years ago following an affair she had. She immediately took the boys and I was forced to litigation to see them. To make a long story short she filed multiple Dss allegations of sexual abuse against me. All of which were unsubstantiated. At the last claim Dss actually substantiated mental and emotional abuse as well as injurious environment against her towards the children after on numerous occasions the children stated to professionals that their mom would make them say that their dad abused them on recordings at her home. We went through a five day custody trial. At the conclusion the judge agreed with the vast majority of our facts but excluded that she has been substantiated against ultimately giving her primary physical custody. I have no criminal history, am educated, well employed as an exective with a large company. In contrast she is not employed, no education and a small criminal history.

We are of course appealing the decision but my question is: is there any assistance an fathers rights group such as this can provide in a case like this? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Friends, I just joined CAPRA as one of the lead plaintiffs in an upcoming landmark federal class action lawsuit against all 50 States and the Federal Government, because I qualify as: (1) a biological parent whose child custody was unconstitutionally removed without due process; and, (2) I have been directly impacted by that during the last four years, i.e., within the statute of limitations. This class action is on behalf of *both* types of “family court” — for wrongful victims of divorce-and-similar-with-kids *and* for wrongful victims of child protection services — and includes suing on behalf of ANY parent affected by either “family court” type.

It’s totally free to join, and the federal court relief being demanded includes the full restoral of my child custody rights under law, plus a nice share of the large amount in civil damages expected. Check it out!

It just requires entering someone’s referral Code to join, so PLEASE use mine – 28792ST224 – in the CAPRA registration form, located on the bottom of the homepage at http://parentalrightsclassaction.com

My ex-wife and I split custody of our 11 year old son and for the last 5 years she has kept him 90% and only allowed me to see him 10% since I live in Texas and she lives in NC. I thought this would be good for him since he has school and I pay some money and he gets to have cool summers with me. Now she served me with papers wanting more money with back pay and full custody. We were married and divorced in SC and I need to find a lawyer that can help me fight for my rights. Please help

When Child Support is Good, and When Child Support is Bad for NC Fathers (click the image below)Use the graphic below on your social media profiles to show your support in NC for equally shared parenting.