Thursday, October 31, 2013

Physicists Denied Place in Guinness Book of World Records for Discovery

Ed. Note: Found another gem that I don't even remember writing, let alone figuring out what the hell I wrote. Just as well. We have enough geniuses in the world. I just like making stuff up.Let me know if you can figure it out.

Guinness Book of World Records adjudicator, Martin Cransky, was sent to Israel to certify that two Israeli physicists have achieved a world record of entangling or inextricably linking five light particles that possess what they call a “weird feature of superposition.” However, upon arrival and meeting with the Israeli researchers, Cransky was thoroughly convinced that there are just some world records that no one will ever get and putting them in a book is infinitely beneath them. In addition, the adjudicator admitted he didn’t understand a thing he was being told or shown.

Said Cransky, “Do you understand this statement, for instance: ‘Superposition exists only in the quantum world and is perhaps best known from the example of Schrödinger’s cat. Schrödinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat sits in a closed box along with a radioactive substance that might, or might not, decay and break open a bottle of poison gas. Until the box is opened and its contents are observed, the cat exists in a superposition: it is both alive and dead at the same time.’ Well, neither do I, so how can I possibly grant these physicists a place in the Guinness Book of World Records when I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?”

The Israeli physicists were quite disappointed upon learning that their find, while lauded in the scientific community, will go largely unnoticed by the general public. One physicist had this to say “Here we are, day in and day out, working with photons and beam splitters, working and re-working laser angles to get just the right conditions to turn our hypotheses into realities, and what do we have to show for it? Not even a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records. Tell you what, why don’t I just take off my lab coat, put on a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Weiner” and enter one of those inane hot dog eating contests? Betcha that’d get me into the stupid book.”

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I am officially a writer now, having been published in a book titled "The Net's Best Satire, Vol. I, on sale through Kindle and Barnes & Noble Nook, as well as having several of my stories published in the well-known Satire Magazine, Humor Times. My stories also appear on a couple of satire websites, including, the Spoof, Glossy News and HumorTimes.com. I found my funny voice and I am bringing it to you through my blogs. I hope you enjoy what you read and come back often.

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