Tag Archives: thanksgiving

As a comic book nerd, I really enjoyed this sketch. Participants in the Wayne Manor Thanksgiving food drive complain about how Batman is profiling them, constantly coming into their neighborhoods, breaking their jaws, zip lining them up 30 stories into the air by their underpants and leaving them hanging by gargoyles.

Excessive force, Batman. Excessive force. Gotta chill out, buddy.

Complaint – I love Leslie Jones but I wish she’d work a little more on her timing and delivery. I see this over and over with her sketches. She flubs lines and then it takes me out of the sketch and takes me a minute to get back in. She’s very funny, has a lot of talent and pretty much carried that Ghostbusters movie on her back, but I hope she’ll work on her live delivery a little more.

Observation – I think Beck Bennett might be a better Wayne than Affleck.

What food stuffs are you going to be stuffing into your face hole today?

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are BQB’s favorites in no particular order:

10. STUFFING – My favorite and really the thing I look forward to the most. Why we don’t have it all year round I don’t know. I suppose I could if I knew how to cook. I’d make a joke that Video Game Rack Fighter could pause her latest game of Car Thief Mayhem and make me some, but then I’d get sued by Gloria Allred.

Where was I? Right. Stuffing. The only thing, and apparently I’m one of few who thing this way, I like just the regular good old plain stuffing. I don’t want celery or vegetable or sausage in it. Disgusting. I just want heaping forkfuls of seasoned mushy bread.

Alien Jones, zap me up some stuffing, will you?

9. TURKEY – Duh. A no brainer. Plus, it makes me sleepy so I have a built in excuse to fall asleep and not have to listen to the Yeti’s latest nonsensical super angry snow beast rants.

8. CRANBERRY SAUCE – Oddly, I was against this for many years. I never understood how it fit in with the rest of the dishes. Then I took the plunge and mixed some in with my stuffing and I was sold. Like Vinny Baggadouchio’s advice, it does not suck.

7. MASHED POTATOES – Much like my writing, they’re dry and bland. And for some reason, I don’t really want them any time of the year other than this time. Tradition I suppose.

6. BISCUITS – Not just any biscuits. You have to get the kind that come in the vacuum sealed cardboard tube that have been packed in there so tight that when you open it up it rips a hole in the space-time continuum. Such amazing technology could have only been invented by Dr. Hugo Von Science.

5. SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE – You wouldn’t know it to look at the furry little schmuck, but Bookshelf Q. Battledog is actually quite the chef. Every year he whips up a delicious sweet potato casserole. He tosses in some marshmallow goo and some brown sugar. I think he also tosses in some drool but I try not to think about that.

4. CHOCOLATE CHIP COCONUT COOKIES – Search Engine Optimized Poet did a web search for these tasty treats and he’s been making them ever since. It isn’t that hard. You just make chocolate chip cookies and add coconut. Then you write a poem about your baking experience.

3. POTATOES AU GRATIN – So much starch, so little time. The Astounding Nerdstradamus loves cheesy French taters so much that he predicts that they will be the only thing that people eat in the year 7000. I hope I make it until then but if not I’ll have to take his word for it.

2. BANANA PUDDING – Of course Professor Nannerpants makes this dish but he is offended that you think of him in such stereotypical terms.

PIE – So much pie. Any kind of pie. Pecan and apple are my favorites.

What say you, 3.5 readers? What will you be stuffing in your face hole this Thanksgiving?

Here are some things that I, the great Bookshelf Q. Battler, am thankful for:

That I’m alive. I’ve heard the alternative sucks.

Technology, and how it’s grown to the point where self publishing is possible. Part of me wishes it was there when I was 20 and able to stay up all night running on nothing but Jolt Cola and blind ambition but oh well, better late than never, right?

Video Game Rack Fighter. I’ll tell her as soon as she pauses Fallout 4. It’s only been three days. She’ll need a bathroom break sooner or later and…oh, wait. THAT’S why she keeps that jug by the couch.

Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog – he may not look like much, but he’s devoured over a hundred intruders. How he does it I have no idea, he’s so tiny.

The Magic Bookshelf – It’s a magic bookshelf. What else can I say?

Not the Yeti – You suck, Yeti.

Not Dr. Hugo Von Science – You really let me down when you caused the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse. Shame on your sir. Shame.

The #31ZombieAuthors – Thank you for coming to my aid when I needed your zombie advice. More importantly, thanks for seeing something in me that led you to say to yourselves, “Yeah, sure, this guy who calls himself ‘Bookshelf Q. Battler’ seems trustworthy enough. I’m game for an interview.” Whatever it was about me, my blog, my writing or whatever that convinced you to take a chance on me, thank you. I’ll keep working on being worthy.

Alien Jones and The Mighty Potentate – Oh Mightiest of Potentates, thank you for sending your emissary, Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One, to help me in my blogging endeavors. May we one day inspire the masses to abandon the menace that is reality television.

Pop Culture Mysteries – Thank you, Jake and Delilah. I swear, your time is coming ASAP and I will do all in my power to make it awesome.

Aunt Gertie and Uncle Hardass – You both drive me insane but I know you mean well.

Bernie “MC Plotz” Plotznick – best of luck in your efforts to go out on your own as a solo Funky Hunk. Honestly, I’m tempted to join you but my 3.5 readers need me. Speaking of..

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST:

The 3.5 readers – Not gonna lie. I wish there were more of you. Even 30.5 would put a bigger smile on my face. But as long as 3.5 of you keep showing up to read my nonsense every day, I’ll keep churning it out. I couldn’t have done it without you. And I know that one day when I price my book at $3, I can count on you all to show up and send a cool $10.50 my way. That’s dinner for Video Game Rack Fighter and I at Swanky Burger. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Enjoy your day and stuff your pie holes, 3.5 readers. Feel free to tell me what you are thankful for in the comments.

I see none of you have taken my advice to give up on all this writing horse shit and get a job at the salt mines yet.

Salt Mines Inc. is waiting there, ready to pay you good money for every chunk of salt you pull out of the ground but are you clowns interested?

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

“Look at me! I’m a blogger! I’m super smart and special and the whole entire world needs to know!”

Baaah! Who needs ya’?

Wait, wait. Come back. Don’t leave yet. I have to bitch about Thanksgiving first and then you can go.

This is a holiday about “giving thanks” but if you people have been paying any attention (and why would you because this blog sucks with the gale force wind of a thousand Dysons) then you know I don’t give any thanks whatsoever for anything. EVER!

So instead, I’m going to rename this holiday, “Complaintsgiving.” Here are my complaints about this bogus excuse for a holiday which, lets face it, was invented by no good lazy as hell hippies just to get out of a day of work.

In fact, it has been the hippies’ goal for as long as I can remember to declare every single day on the calendar to be a holiday so that no one has to work anymore.

That’s fine. I know that’s the way this socialist nation is headed.

One day I’ll be the last asshole doing any work at all and the government will just tax me at a rate of 10 bazillion percent. I’ll take on the entire country’s debt myself so the rest of you losers can have a jolly good old time on my back. It’s ok. By no means feel bad about yourselves. I’m just an old man committing micro aggressions against your safe space.

But I digress. My complaints:

Pumpkins – This is the dumbest vegetable I’ve ever seen in all of my days. They make everything taste like ear wax. Pumpkins are universally unseen the entire year BECAUSE they taste like ear wax but for some ungodly reason every fall every dumbass lines up around the corner for pumpkin spice lattes and pumpkin pie. I hate pumpkin pie. You might as well empty your dirty ear holes straight onto a pie crust and serve it up.

Cranberries – Similar to pumpkins, unless you’re an unwashed broad with a urinary tract infection, nobody gives a shit about these berries all year long except for Thanksgiving. Then suddenly everyone’s a friggin’ cranberry lover. Love it all year long or not at all I always say.

Biscuit Cans – Whatever the science is behind how they make biscuit dough pop out of cans with the force of an oncoming train, the government should take it and use it against the Al Qaedas.

Parades – Who in the hell is the butt faced rube that decided Thanksgiving is the day of all days to throw a damn parade? A bunch of jerks walking around in arctic temperatures carrying balloons of cartoon characters used by the media to manipulate children into becoming hippies. The only thing a Thanksgiving Day parade does is block traffic, thus making it harder for responsible Americans to get to their jobs at the salt mines.

Stuffing – Allow me to share with you the exact quote that led to the invention of stuffing:

“Oh! Hello! I’m an idiot and I think it might be a good idea to shove a shit ton of bread crumbs up a dead game bird’s ass, cook the whole shebang, then dig it all out and serve dead bird ass bacteria covered bread crumbs to my guests!”

Football – What an idiotic idea to have football games on Thanksgiving. All it leads to is a bunch of drunk morons gathering around the TV to live out their fantasies vicariously through people who are better athletes than they ever were!

WHAT FOOTBALL FANS SAY ON THANKSGIVING: Go! Go! Go! Yes! Touchdown!

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: I wanted so badly to play for the NFL when I was 17 but no college would draft me because I ran around like I had a sack of doody in my pants so now the only joy I get out of life is pretending like my cheering for the group of mercenaries hired to play on my geographic location’s behalf is actually accomplishing something.

The Pilgrim Story – Yeah yeah. A million years ago, the British settlers couldn’t figure out how to farm and shit so the natives helped ’em and they broke bread together. Beautiful story. Lovely. Oh and then ALL THE NATIVE AMERICANS WERE KILLED AND POISONED AND BLOWN UP AND SHIT AND ONLY A FEW OF THEM ARE LEFT NOW AND THEIR SOLE MEANS OF SUPPORT COMES FROM CASINOS THAT LURE YOUR AUNT GERTIE INTO DROPPING HER ENTIRE SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK ON PENNY SLOTS EVERY MONTH!!!

Overeating – You feel like this holiday gives you an excuse to eat like a pig. Fair enough. What’s your excuse for the other 364 days, tubby? Yeah. I know. I could stand to lose a few too. Well, I never said I’m not a hypocrite, did I?

Turkey Pardons – Every year the President of the United States pardons a turkey, declaring that it will go uneaten and be sent to a turkey preserve. The press eats it up like its so adorable. What they don’t tell you is that these turkeys are tax dodging, drug dealing, gun running, murderous lowlife criminal turkeys who have just gotten away with all their crimes thanks to an unjust pardon.

Gravy – Thanks, but if I wanted a sticky liquid on my meal I’d just sneeze on it.

Passing the Dishes – Pick a direction and stick with it. Pass left. Pass right. Doesn’t matter. And keep up with the pass flow. There’s always one pathetic excuse for a human being who a) is passing the dishes the wrong way so that the other side of the table doesn’t get anything or b) is taking so long that the dishes start to pile up in front of him like a 20 car pile up on the Interstate.

Your Kids’ Artwork – Look, just because you traced your hand and glued some googly eyes on it doesn’t mean you’re the next Picasso. Get an application for the Salt Mines, kid. Can you dig up salt? Can you collect money for digging up salt? Congratulations. You got the job. Get to work. Stop drawing shit.

Black Friday –Why is it that despite being a geriatric, I’m the only one who understands you can get on a computer, go online and have all the useless shit that you’re wasting your money on sent directly to your door? Why are you wastes of space giving up your part of your holiday to wait in line with a bunch of bozos just to fight over a discount gizmo just so you can wave it around in the air and act like you just bagged a trophy? Why don’t you just stay home, jam another heaping helping of earwax pie into your dumb face hole and give those people who work at the stores a day off? You ever hear about this “work” thing? You should try it sometime ya’ lousy bums!

Finally, I’d like to end this column by sharing the one thing I can’t stand above all else when it comes to Thanksgiving:

Dealing With Judgmental Elderly Relatives – I can’t stand ’em, can you? Always blah blah blah-ing about how good shit was a hundred years ago and criticizing everything you do, calling you lazy and stupid and if you ever stand up for yourself you get accused of being mean to an old person. So you just have to suck it up and bite your tongue but you feel a little piece of you dying inside every time they say something nasty to you and you realize its pointless to do anything but nod politely. Ugh. I hate them. They complain so much that I can barely get any of my complaints in edgewise and what…what are you looking at? GET A JOB, HIPPY!

Uncle Hardass is BQB’s Late Uncle. Although he passed on many years ago due to a pastrami induced heart explosion, he still haunts BQB HQ in ghost form, informing our noble blog host about everything he does wrong in excruciating detail.

As I attempt to shake off my tryptophan induced coma, I am pleasantly surprised to see the new trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. No Jar Jar. No Ewoks. No podracing. Nothing that appears to be cute, cuddly, and/or adorable. We won’t know until we see it but it is starting to look like it might be the Star Wars movie we all wanted to see:

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend…and if you are shopping on Black Friday, May the Deals be With You!

I’ve racked my brains and I can’t think of a good example of a work of Thanksgiving literature – not a book, a short story, a poem, nothing. Someone mention one in the comment section and tell me I’m wrong. I love Thanksgiving, but while Christmas has inspired a slew of tales about people either saving, learning the meaning of, or trying to get home in time for Christmas, there just aren’t as many tales about Thanksgiving.

After all, what would be the characters’ motivation?

CHARACTER 1: We have to get home in time for Thanksgiving!

CHARACTER 2: Why? Will the world come to an end?

CHARACTER 1: No! But we’ll eat late!

So rather than wow you with Thanksgiving literature, I’ve decided to share some of the things I’m thankful this year. I began this blog in March and started blogging semi-regularly in August. Since then:

Several fellow WordPressers have subscribed. (You should too if you haven’t already.

Over 1700 Twits have followed me on Twitter. (And why haven’t you yet? @bookshelfbattle

I’ve been inspired by NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) to jot down twenty-thousand words. I won’t make the 50,000 goal, but that’s 20,000 more words than I had.

I haven’t done as many book reviews as I’d hoped (yes, I know, THIS IS A BOOK REVIEW BLOG) but I’ve inspired to read more books than I usually did pre-blog.

I’ve almost written 100 posts. Anyone with ideas for the 100th post feel free to share.

So ultimately, Bookshelf Battlers, I’m thankful for all of you. Keep following, re-tweeting, and giving me those sweet, sweet web hits. Click on this site, then don’t be stingy with those clicks, click a few more times. I’m looking forward to a 2015 full of booktastic good cheer and many more literary discussions of a booktacular nature.

And I promise – I’ll do an actual book review. (Fingers crossed behind back).