Tom Waits could be the solution to global warming since instead of breathing in oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide like the rest of us lesser humans, Waits does the opposite, thus reducing greenhouse gases with every breath! Incidentally, whenever you see Tom Waits with a cigarette, he’s not smoking, he’s just getting a bit of fresh air.

The term “5 o’clock shadow” was invented by Tom Waits, because instead of wearing a watch, Tom Waits simply measures time according to his stubble growth. The term “midnight muttonchops” hasn’t caught on for some reason.

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Time waits for no man, but it certainly does for Tom Waits. According to his recent physical, one Tom year is equal to seven human years, so technically Tom is only a little over eight years old. If you think Tom is a rough and tumble kinda guy now, just wait till he hits puberty!

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When people say that Tom Waits has a cult following they’re not speaking figuratively. Apparently, since the late 60s an actual cult has reportedly been following Tom Waits around the U.S. The cult members have been known to wear strange tattered clothing, to ritually drink till the loss of their senses and to chant haunting songs into the darkness of night. On second thought, that just might be Tom himself with his band.

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The last guy to challenge Tom Waits to a Yo Mama jokes competition literally disintegrated before his very eyes. Tom had sassed his mother so hard that despite her not attending at the time of the event, the reality altering jokes made the poor woman regret ever having children and retroactively caused her son to cease to exist. While it is well known that Tom’s words can alter the fabric of time/space, it has never been put to such conclusive use. And as for Tom’s mother? She was a saint.

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Tom Waits’ body was once used by experimental physicists as a sub-atomic particle accelerator. Unfortunately, the behavior of the particles as they entered Tom became so erratic that the experiments were stopped for fear of creating a black hole. Nowadays Tom’s body is only used for accelerating whiskey, though the amount of whiskey consumed may suggest that the scientists might have caught on to the danger a little too late.

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Back in the day, Tom Waits’ favorite sexual antic was known among female fans as the Rusty Tom Bone. Since then the position has been popularized as the famous Rusty Trombone, having of course omitted the rusty coffin nails and male whale pelvic bones out of the equation, since the original was deemed a tad too risqué for porn audiences. And whales. And anyone except for Tom Waits really.

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After the death of Charlton Heston, Tom Waits was briefly considered as a possible candidate for replacing him as head of the NRA. However, after Tom’s suggestion to get rid of all the guns and change the name of the organization to “National Roughnecks Association”, the Waits candidacy was quickly dismissed.

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Tom Waits does not send SMS’s. Nor does he leave voice messages, instant messages or uses chat programs of any kind. Instead, he would carve his message onto the surface of a bar, or a wet plank of wood left on the street, or the thigh of a young call girl. Circumstances will do the rest. In any case, by the time you have seen it, it’s already too late.