Some days, you don’t feel up to taking your kids to the park or attending their soccer games. But how much should you really share with them about your symptoms of depression? Turns out they can handle the truth better than you realize, and they’ll feel better if they understand what’s going on. Here are 9 tips for discussing depression with your kids…

If you’re depressed, you know it affects every aspect of your life – including how you parent your children.

While mothers with conditions like diabetes or arthritis typically talk to their kids about those illnesses, mothers with depression often avoid the topic, thinking their children won’t understand or can’t handle the truth.

But most children of kindergarten age and older can comprehend the illness of depression. In fact, keeping them in the dark may make them feel even more anxious, experts say.

That’s why it’s best to be straightforward and acknowledge that you have depression – without shame or embarrassment. Chances are, your children already are well aware of your depression symptoms.

How you approach the conversation about your depression is critical. Experts offer these do’s and don’ts for mothers with depression:

1. Do equate depression to other medical conditions. Explain depression as a physical illness, just as you would a headache or the measles. It’s important to tell your children if you’re getting treatment – taking medication or seeing a therapist – because that reassures them that you’re getting help and will be OK.

Your children also may worry that they can “catch” depression, as they could a cold or the flu. Tell them it’s not contagious, but that it sometimes runs in families, as is the case with many medical conditions, advises Atlanta-based clinical psychologist Paula Bloom, Ph.D. 2. Don’t make hurtful statements.Even well-meaning mothers with depression may blurt out, “I’ve been sick since you were born” or “I got sick when I was pregnant with you.”

Such remarks can trigger guilt in children, because they may already blame themselves for Mommy’s illness.

“Sometimes, parents say things without thinking of the long-term effects,” says Alex Hewett, M.S., a Towson, Md.-based psychotherapist who volunteers with children and adolescents at Sheppard Pratt, a Baltimore-based mental health center. “But telling them that [kind of information] can be scarring.”

3. Do ease your child’s burden.Your depression can sometimes make you irritable and short-tempered. If you snap at your children, they may blame themselves.

“Kids tend to be self-centered – thinking everything is about them – so they may think Mom’s depression is their fault too,” Bloom says. “Or they may think, Mommy’s mad at me, so she’s staying in her room.”

Mothers with depression should give kids this key message: “It’s not your fault and not your job to take care of me or to fix it.”

Then walk the talk.

“Don’t lean on your kids for support,” Bloom adds.

Being depressed doesn’t absolve you of responsibility if you’ve behaved poorly toward your children. Sometimes, an apology is necessary. Say, for example, “I haven’t been there for you and I want you to know I’m sorry.” 4. Don’t deny your emotions.All mothers with depression have mood changes and should acknowledge them with their children.

“Explain that your depression at times makes you feel sad, short-tempered or whatever symptoms of depression you’re experiencing – but you’re working with a doctor to get better,” says Robert Ammerman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, researcher on maternal depression and scientific director at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center.

“That provides an explanation and teaches the lesson that when you need help, you go get it,” he says.

Pretending that nothing is wrong is guaranteed to backfire. Children are experts at detecting changes in their mother’s personality and behavior, Bennett says.

But be honest about how you feel. Bennett recently worked with a mom who lied and told her kids she was crying “happy tears.”

“That gave the message that it’s not OK to be sad,” Bennett says. “It’s fine to say, ‘You may have noticed how I’ve been crying and getting mad lately.’”

But don’t share suicidal thoughts with your children, Bloom warns. It threatens their sense of security to hear their mom say “I want to die” or something similar.

Seek immediate adult help for suicidal feelings, Bloom advises.

5. Do keep it simple.Don't launch into a complex discussion about chemicals in your brain, postpartum depression or anything else that could be confusing or frightening.

“Too much information about depression could overwhelm a child,” Ammerman says. “The explanation should be [clear] enough that it can be absorbed, understood and reassuring.”

6. Don’t handle questions alone.Mothers with depression should be able to call on other trusted adults. Dad, grandmas, grandpas, aunts and others should work together to determine what and how much information to share with children.

“A depressed person should have lots of emotional and physical support, so if Mom isn't up to explaining, another adult can step in,” Bennett says.

Discuss in advance what to say to kids and keep the message consistent so they don’t get confused.

7. Do keep the discussion ongoing.The initial conversation about depression can be done in 60 seconds or less, Bennett says. But children may take time to absorb the information or may have other questions.

That’s why mothers with depression should always leave the door open to answer questions like “What is depression again?” and “Are you feeling better?”

8. Don’t ignore your child’s moods.Without proper treatment, some mothers with depression withdraw into themselves. That makes their children vulnerable to depression. In fact, children of mothers with untreated depression are more than twice as likely to be depressed by age 15, Bennett warns.

Anxiety, anger and avoidance of social interaction (in adolescents and teens)

Changes in thinking and sleep (in adolescents and teens)

Behavior problems and other mental-health conditions, such as anxiety or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD (in children, adolescents and teens)

If your child starts exhibiting any of these symptoms of depression, get them professional help.

9. Do emphasize that you’ll be OK. Allay your children’s fears about your depression by pointing out that you're taking action to treat your depression. They’ll be reassured when you say, “I’m getting help and I’ll be fine,” Bennett says.

In her book, Bennett suggests ways for mothers with depression to best explain the illness:

“I’m taking good care of myself so I can get better as fast as I can…”

“I’ll probably have good and bad times, but I will be completely well…”

“I look forward to taking you to the park again…”

“This is a golden lesson for children – that if things in their lives aren’t going great, they can find help,” Bennett says.

Once your symptoms of depression are under control, you’ll be able to enjoy being a better parent, foster stronger relationships with your children and provide them with more consistent nurturing.

“Depression isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about it,” Bloom says. “The best gift to a child is a happy mommy.”

How Much Do You Know About Depression?Depression is an extremely disabling disorder. Despite all the progress in diagnosing and treating this disease, many people still are in the dark when it comes to understanding depression. How much do you really know? Take this depression quiz, which includes information from Lawson Wulsin's, M.D., book, Treating The Aching Heart, and see how well you know fact from fiction.

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