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Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Diablo players: Busting the myths

That's not what we're going to do here children. No sir. You see, the group: "gamers" can be divided up into neat little slices and everyone within a particular slice demonstrates exactly the same behaviours and acts in a similar way. Schools in America and "the man" will have you believe that we are all different. We're not. Most of us can be neatly pigeonholed and our every behaviour predicted from a mile away. "Diablo players" is the name of one such pigeonhole-slice as is "gays" and "the sikhs"*. So for example, if I said "All the people who like Diablo I, II or III are keeping gaming from becoming a progressive medium in the modern world", I would be: a) Correct and b) A total wanker.

All the people who like Diablo I, II or III are keeping gaming from becoming a progressive medium in the modern world.It is true. Don't believe me? Check this utter piece of shite over at MTV Multiplayer. I read it and thought that it was a send up. Are there really people sad enough in the world to photoshop screenshots of Diablo III to show what the game "should" look like? Yes. Yes there are. With nothing else to do until launch sometime next century, they cling to what Blizzard drip feeds them and then, in true Blizzard-fan style they whinge and gripe to such an extent that the Xbox 360 and PS3 fanboys temporarily put down their pitch forks to cringe and point at the PCtards. Here is a selection of comments from the MTV Multiplayer article to cringe/laugh yourself to sleep with:

"Diablo III? All I’m seeing in theses screenshots is WoW from a top-down view."- SHIT MAN it's time to call the national papers! Actually I agree with this guy. WoW is Diablo with a slightly lower camera which makes it a little bit easier to click on the bad guys. Diablo is hardcore.

"There is Warcraft influence and that is my main problem, they even reused a sound effect that was incredibly out of place in Diablo from Warcraft 3"- I'm no Doctor but from the comfort of my Gamerzzz(t) chair I can tell you that no, that is not your main problem. Your main problem lies elsewhere. In fact, I imagine that the Warcraft influence in Diablo III is perhaps the least problematic part of your entire life which is why you shouldn't complain about it young lady.

"Why do these fans want the game to look like Killzone 2? We don’t need any more games with no color!"- OMG! Someone from the 90s who remembers the Killzone 2 FMV short feature. Retro, solidarity brother!

"To me, Diablo III looks very much like Diablo II."- HERETIC! Next they'll be claiming that Diablo II looked like Diablo or that all three of them play like a less mainstream version of minesweeper.

"I love hearing people go insane criticizing about a game which isn’t even out yet."- I love being the smarter prick who loves to hear the smart prick who loves to hear people go insane criticizing about a game which isn't even out yet.

"I do suppose a blend of each style would be best… People aren’t understand the “Diablo feel”. It’s not just about gothic unsaturated looks. It’s about bizarre and disturbing things. Think about the music in Diablo I, it’s just insane."- I am understand the Diablo feel, thank you very much! It's the feeling that you should be doing something else like maybe tidy the house or go outside? Something with a clear end goal and a bit of variety. Maybe email some of the guys you went to school with to see if anyone wants to catch up and remenisce. You know, about the time when you had a life and when you could put things into much better perspective.

I think SOMEONE needs to explain the appeal of Diablo to me. Maybe I just didn't "get it" but to me Diablo is unappealing, boring, laughable, monotonous and attractive to people who are losers. You know like Doctor Who fans.

POP QUIZ: Which, TGAM has committed the ultimate sin of online gaming and "met up with a guildie, in real life" leaving the other member to do posts about games he hates with a passion.

* This is meant as a joke everyone. After what happened last time these things need clarifying. Besides, the Sikhs are pretty diverse. One Sikh I know plays FPSs. All the other Sikhs are like "Twitch!".

2 comments:

"Hello, I'd like to apply for the job of dungeon minion officer level 2?"

"Hello. Yes everything is in order on your CV but unfortunately we cannot appoint you for this post. We do have grunt level posts available"

"I'm sorry. But you said I was qualifie....oh. It's because I am red isn't it?"

"Of course our company takes race discrimination very seriously and what you are implying is unfounded"

"You have said yourself that I am qualified for the post. This is the third job I've been turned down for because I am red and not green or blue. What if I painted myself?"

"Unfortunately, post holders may have to work in damp or wet conditions which may compromise any applied body paints. In the unlikely event of a one man army invading one of our licensed dungeons any potential confusion amongst the troops caused by difficulties in distinguishing the chain of command may result in law suits againt the company by families of our employed troops"