Former Texas Rangers starting pitcher, Roy Oswalt, didn’t take too well to the news of his demotion to the bullpen. He lost out on a rotation spot due to the reemergence of Scott Feldman—coupled with his own mysterious blend of extreme-hitability and acute suck.

Psychologically speaking, Roy Oswalt is making marked improvements. From the fan’s perspective, he’s still being an a-hole.

Hey, we all understand that the road to bullpen acceptance is an arduous journey, marked by the self-acceptance of regression and marred by the subsequent roundhouse kicks to the ego.

I mean, really, aside from the $4M dollar deal (for half a season’s work) coupled with the fact that a trip to the bullpen is actually an easier job…let’s not forget that Roy Oswalt truly is the victim here…

Let us now join Roy Oswalt as he so astutely navigates his way through the 5 Stages of Bullpen Acceptance

1. Denial

“I still consider myself a starter.”

That’s actually quite healthy, Roy. When you go out there in the sixth inning rather than the first inning, just say to yourself “I’m starting now. I still consider myself a starter.” Do that, please…because when you were a starter your mantra was apparently “I’m a gas can. I consider myself a a can of gas; to make this fire explode.”

2. Pain and Guilt

I actually think ‘ole Roy skipped right over this one and had another heaping helping of denial.

“I had two bad starts. We won four of my six starts. Guess I should have won ‘em all.”

Oh, Roy. You had one decent start. Dude, in your other five starts you were hit so hard that pitching machines secretly high-fived when not hanging their metallic heads in mock embarrassment.

3. Anger

“I’m gonna kick Scott Feldman’s ass. Freaking Hawaiian-born hippie.”

Okay, Roy Oswalt never actually said that. I’m sure we all realize he was thinking it, though. Probably word for word.

Why so angry Roy O?

Well, it’s pretty simple. Remember when Scooter wasn’t the best pitcher in the history of MLB, way back when he was 0-6 with a sideways 8 for an ERA?

Well, so does Roy. Yep, so does Roy. Roy remembers… And it chaps his ass.

4. Depression

“I haven’t said anything like that.”

Roy, the first sign of depression is a refusal to admit something that you’ve already admitted even though you don’t recollect said admittance.

Duh.

That’s Psychology 101 brah!

5. Acceptance

“I’m in the bullpen. I’ll throw down there and see how it goes.”

Glad to have you aboard, Roy…

Really Easy (yet curiously satisfying) Dustin Pedroia Jokes

Normally, in this space, I’d simply make fun of Dustin Pedroia’s sub-dimunitive size…so why should today be any different?

• Dustin Pedroia is earning some extra income nowadays thanks to a lucrative Just For Men TV spot. Perhaps you’ve seen it:
• Pedroia isn’t even going gray! Just For Men hired him because they can save that much more money by not having to teach an actual infant to dance.

• Did you know that you can actually fit two Jose Altuve’s into one Dustin Pedroia? Just make sure to ask Jose Altuve if it’s cool with him before attempting to do so…