Your guide to getting busy on Mars

Greetings from the future, Earthlings! I assume that you’re Earthlings, as this column is addressed to the millennial generation of the early 21st century.

Allow me to introduce myself: I am Swisgar Wartooth, of the planet Dethklok, but ‘round these parts of the galaxy, I go by a different name: the Love Doctor. That’s right, with italics and everything. And let me tell you personally, Earthling, I have earned that moniker. Yours truly has travelled to every planet in the known universe, and… ahem… gotten busy with some sexy space ladies.

At this point I imagine you may be wondering why I decided to address this letter to the early 21st century, as opposed to say, my time, when your kind has finally attained the technology to start getting busy in space. Well, my ancient Earth-dwelling friend, it just so happens that your generation will be the one that discovers that particular technology. Surprise! Oh and by the way, don’t go around telling this to everyone. I’d hate to ruin the treat for all of your Earthly friends. Now, hurry off to get your engineering degree. It’s going to be important.

That’s right. It just so happens that your kind is on the verge of unlocking the space tourism industry, and I want you to be prepared. “Prepared for what, Love Doctor Swisgar?” Well, my human friend, it just so happens that out of every planet I’ve gotten busy on (which, I reiterate, is all of them), there is one that I just can’t stop coming back to, and it happens to be right in your backyard. That’s right Earthling, your planetary sister Mars has some of the galaxy’s most beautiful space ladies, and I, the Love Doctor, am gonna teach you how to get busy on Mars.

Firstly, you have to know how to treat a sexy Mars lady. When she first catches your eye, say something witty, like “Your planet is red, your skin is blue and I sure would like to get to know you.” Of course, not everyone can come up with lines as sexy as the Love Doctor, so if you’re not the witty type, feel free to use that one. If you forget, just remember that it’s pretty easy o rhyme something with “Mars,” like “bars” or “cars”—both places you might be or want to be with sexy Martians. Now once you’ve got her attention, offer to take her out to a nice Mars dinner somewhere. If she says yes, you’re in business—space business.

Next, you have to know how to dress. The weather on Mars is worse than it is in Cleveland, so I recommend a sweater. And perhaps some nice slacks to go with it, because sexy Mars ladies appreciate classy dudes. Make sure you look her in the eye, smile confidently and compliment her tentacles. Mars ladies do not appreciate dudes who aren’t confident or who don’t compliment their tentacles after they spent two of your Earth hours getting ready for their big dates.

The actual date will fly by.

Okay, champ, so now you’re walking her home, and if you’ve played your cards right, then she should be inviting you into her sexy space apartment. You can take this opportunity to make another witty joke, like, “Man, you sure have a lot of living SPACE in here! Ha! Get it? Because we’re in space!”

Now of course, sexy space ladies are also classy space ladies, and a classy space lady isn’t going to get busy with just anyone. You have to show her that you’re worth her sexy space time. And you know what they love more than anything? Back rubs…sexy space back rubs. Then, after you have her feeling nice and relaxed, brush her tentacles away from her cheek, look her straight in the eye…