Making arrangements for your children

Putting your child first

Most parents want to do their best for their children, so keep your child at the heart of the decision about where your child lives and when they spend time with each parent. Children have a right to a relationship with both their parents and it’s important that you and your child’s other parent listen to your children, and understand their needs and wishes before making decisions.

Each family is different and for some having a relationship with both parents won’t be possible. This could be because one parent chooses not to or it’s not safe. Where parents do want to be involved in the child’s life and it is safe for this to happen, it’s usually in the child’s best interest if:

-They are brought-up by both parents, whether or not they live together
-Each parent supports their child to enjoy a positive relationship with their otherparent
-Children are clear about the arrangements for spending time with each parent, andthere are no sudden changes in arrangements unless it’s unavoidable
-Children are not exposed to continuing conflict; this is both distressing and harmfulfor them
-Children are supported to keep in touch with important people in their lives, such aswider family members
-New partners support the arrangements you’ve made, and have a good relationshipwith your child.

Keep in mind that it is the ability to communicate, the quality of the relationships, and the ability to focus on how things will work for the child that make an arrangement work well.

Making arrangements for your children

Making the arrangements

Every situation is different and your family needs to make decisions that work best for everyone involved. Some decisions will be easy to make and some will be hard. Below are some useful tips to help you have effective conversations and ensure the best outcomes for your child. Details of organisations that can help you if you can’t agree are listed in the "useful organisations" section.

Prepare

Be prepared for the conversations you need to have about the arrangements for your child. Decide what aspects you need to agree on, which of these are most important and what information you need to help you make these decisions. Find a neutral place to talk away from your child, and think beforehand what compromises you’re prepared to make.

Focus on your child’s needs

When parents separate, emotions can run high and it can
be hard to know what to do for the best. Working out what is in the best
interests of your child can be a challenge. Whatever your feelings, it’s really
important to put your child’s needs first. These needs will vary depending on:
their age, health, abilities, life and family experiences and their
personality. It’s helpful to consider the following:

-The age of your child – babies and younger children will have different needs to older children
-The wishes and feelings of your child, taking into account their age andunderstanding
-The likely effect on your child of any changes in their circumstances
-Where your child’s friends and other relatives live, and how your child will continue to see them
-Where your child goes to school, and whether they have any special classes or out-of-school activities.

Be as open and honest as possible

This applies to your thoughts and feelings as well as information about your future plans. Try to explain the reasons behind the arrangements you’re proposing and why they would be most suitable for your child.

Try to see it from the other side

Trying to understand the concerns of the other parent will help your child have better relationships with you both. This is easier said than done when you’re hurt and angry, but try to listen to what is being said and respond to that. Understanding your own feelings can help you understand the other point of view.

Take one step at a time

Try to deal with one issue at a time and agree on the easier things first. Use a priority list if you feel the discussion is going off track. If you feel you’re getting stuck, or emotions are running high, try meeting at a different time.

Be practical

When considering when your child will be spending time
with each parent, you need to be realistic about the day-to-day practicalities,
which will be different for each family. Some things you might want to
consider:

-How will your child get to and from school or childcare?-If you have more than one child, do they have different needs which require different arrangements?
-If your child sleeps over at both parents’ houses, is there enough room and what are the sleeping arrangements?
-How will the things your child needs on a day-to-day basis be available for them?
-What will the travel arrangements be and who will take responsibility for them?-What help and resources do you have access to?

Think through the options

Suggest as many options as you can for how and when your child spends time with each of you, and try to find solutions to practical problems.

Agreeing financial support for your child

Both parents are responsible for supporting their child financially. Agreeing on financial support is an important part of making an arrangement for your child. There is an online tool to help you. Also, see our factsheet Making arrangements for child maintenance.

Living with both parents

Some families have an arrangement where the child spends significant time (including overnight stays) with both parents. This is known as shared residence or shared care. This option is one to consider when you’re making your decision about where your child lives. Good communication about day-to-day issues and a willingness to be flexible will make this type of arrangement work best.

Making arrangements for your children

Supporting your child

Don’t argue or fight in front of your child.

If you’re finding it difficult to come to an agreement without arguing, don’t do this within earshot of your child, even if you’re on the phone. It is hurtful and distressing for them, and can damage your relationship. There are organisations listed on page five that can support you to talk to each other.

Communicate with your child

Your son or daughter may be worrying about things that have not occurred to you. It is common for children to blame themselves for their parents’ separation. Explain that it’s not their fault, and keep reassuring them. This is particularly important for younger children.

You may feel you’re protecting your child by not telling them what’s going on, but you could be doing the opposite. Children want to be involved and listened to, but they should not be expected to make the final decisions about what happens.

Often children are not aware of their parents’ problems and a separation may be a real shock to them. Give your child time to adjust to their new situation. If your child doesn’t seem to be coping, you can seek help from the organisations listed in our factsheet Support for children and young people.

If you are concerned for the safety of your child

Domestic violence and other forms of abusive, inappropriate, unsafe or destructive behaviour can make it unsafe for a child to have contact with their other parent. In these circumstances you’re likely to need legal help when making arrangements for your child.

It can be possible for a child in these circumstances to still have a relationship with their parent, as long as there’s a safe way for this to happen. It may be that a child’s time with that parent needs to be supervised, or for contact to take place in a contact centre.

If you’re concerned for the safety of your child, get help and advice as soon as you can (in the first instance this may be the police, social services, NSPCC or legal help). See page five for organisations you can call.

When a parent doesn’t want to be involved

Sometimes a child’s parent doesn’t want to be involved in their life. There could be many reasons for this, which are hard to understand. You can’t force a parent to be involved, but you can ensure you’ve done all you can to encourage it.

Making arrangements for your children

Recording and reviewing arrangements

When an agreement is made you should all be clear about what’s going to happen. Some parents find it helpful to write down the arrangement to avoid confusion or disagreements later on. Be aware that although something is written down it doesn’t make it legally binding. Arrangements will need to change if they’re not working for your child.

Parenting plans

A parenting plan is an agreement made by separated parents on how their children are cared for and supported. It is a useful tool to guide you on what specifics parents need to consider when working out arrangements for your child. See this free CAFCASS guide for more information.

Review arrangements

The decisions you make don’t have to be set in stone. If you’re struggling to reach an agreement or aren’t sure what will work, suggest trying an arrangement and setting a date to review it.

You should be prepared to review arrangements as your child grows up and circumstances change. As your child gets older they will have their own opinions on what works for them, and will have their own plans and interests to consider. Older children are likely to need more flexible arrangements.

If it’s in your child’s best interest to change the arrangement, and you all agree, you can do so at any time. If a court has decided when your child should be spending time with each parent and an order is in place you can still change the arrangement, but you should get some legal advice first.

Making arrangements for your children

Tips to make it work

Plan ahead

It helps to plan so that everyone knows where they stand and to avoid misunderstandings. If it’s difficult to plan ahead, for example if you work shifts, try to agree some basic guidelines. These could include how many days a week a child spends with each parent and how much notice you should both give. If there’s a school trip or a friend’s party that affects the usual arrangements, give the other parent as much notice as you can.

Avoid sudden changes to plans if possible

It’s difficult for everyone if plans change at short notice, but this will sometimes happen. Try to be as flexible as you can, but review arrangements if they frequently need changing at short notice.

Agree arrangements for significant days

Try to agree in advance how your child will spend important dates, such as birthdays and religious festivals. It’s common for parents to take turns seeing their children on special days, alternating each year. Older children should be involved in the decisions.

Make arrangements for holidays

It’s easier to reach an agreement by planning ahead. It’s common for parents to share school holidays. Depending on your child’s age and understanding, he or she could be involved in planning the arrangements so they feel included and secure.

If you or your child’s other parent are worried about your child going away, share as much information as possible about the trip. This could include travel and accommodation arrangements, and contact details.

Taking a child abroad

Depending on whether your child’s other parent has parental responsibility, you may need consent to take your child abroad.

If your child has a relationship with their other parent and sees them regularly, let them know the travel arrangements, even if you don’t need their consent.

If you’re the only person with parental responsibility– you don’t need the consent of the other parent to take your child abroad.

If there’s someone else with parental responsibility – you need their consent unless you have a residence order or child arrangements order where you are named as the parent with residence – see below.

If you have a child arrangements order or a residence order stating that your child lives with you – you can take them abroad for up to one month without the consent of anyone else with parental responsibility, unless there is a court order preventing you.

If you have a child arrangements order which stipulates when your child stays with each parent – you will need to stick to arrangement in the order, so in practice, you will probably need consent so that you don’t break the terms of the order.

Get support when things feel difficult

You might want to share your experiences and get support from friends or other single parents who have been through a similar situation.

Joining a support group or online forum such as a Gingerbread group or online forum can be helpful and supportive. However, you may need more professional help. Below are details of the help available.

Don’t be hard on yourself if the final arrangements you make are not completely ideal. Just do your best, be reasonable, and keep your child at the heart of the decisions.

Making arrangements for your children

Help when you can’t agree

Not all parents find it easy to come to an agreement, and some need help to find a solution. The Gingerbread factsheet Help when you can’t agree goes through the options available to you. Below is a summary of those options.

Helping you talk
When a relationship breaks down it can be difficult to talk about issues such as arrangements for your child without getting upset or angry. Organisations such as Relate and The Parent Connection offer help to: enable you to understand your own feelings and behaviour; see things from both sides and talk as calmly as possible to each other about the situation. Contact details below.

Mediation
Mediation can help resolve disputes on practical issues with the guidance of a trained professional. It is not legal advice and it is not counselling. You will discuss the issues, and the mediator will make sure you both have your say. Mediation can work if you both want to reach an agreement, even if you hold different views at the start.

Using a solicitor to negotiate
If negotiating with the other parent directly or using a mediator isn’t appropriate or hasn’t worked, you could ask a solicitor to help you negotiate. If you feel bullied or intimidated into making an arrangement you don’t agree with, or you have experienced domestic violence, then using a solicitor may be more appropriate.

Asking the court to decide
Applying to the court should be the last resort, when all other attempts to agree have failed or aren’t suitable. Court action can be lengthy and expensive, and parents may not get the outcome they want.

The court will encourage you to reach agreement, but if you cannot agree the court may issue a child arrangements order.

Phone: 0800 988 0988

Organisation: Civil Legal Advice

Details: Can assess your eligibility for legal aid and signpost to local sources of help.

Phone: 0345 345 4345

Organisation: Dad.info

Details: A website for fathers including information on relationships, child development, becoming a dad, getting legal advice, making contact with your child and parenting. Discussion area where fathers can share ideas, find information and discuss parenting issues.

Organisation: Family Mediator’s Association

Details: Provides information on family mediation, and directs to local mediation services.

Phone: 01355 244594

Organisation: Family Rights Group

Details: Confidential advice for parents and other family members if social workers are involved in your child's life, or you need extra support from Children's Services. They also have a parental advocacy project.

Details: Free information on a range of issues including maintenance, benefits, tax credits, debt, employment, education, legal rights and holidays. Open Mondays 10am to 6pm, Tuesday/Thursday/Friday 10am to 4pm and Wednesdays 10am-1pm and 5pm to 7pm

Phone: Freephone 0808 802 0925

Organisation: National Association of Child Contact Centres

Details: A network of centres across the UK that allow parents to see their children in a safe place.
Supervised and supported contact is available. Provides a neutral environment, usually with games and toys available for children.

Phone: 0845 4500 280

Organisation: National Domestic Violence Helpline

Details: The freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline is run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge. It is a national service for women experiencing domestic violence or their friends and families. A translation service is available.

Phone: 0808 2000 247

Organisation: National Family Mediation

Details: Aims to help individuals reach joint decisions on issues associated with their separation such as children, finance or property. Can answer general enquiries relating to mediation and put callers in touch with local not-for-profit mediation services.

Details: Offers a range of services and provides support at all stages of relationships. Relate also provides a counselling service especially for children and young people.

Phone: 0300 100 1234

Organisation: Resolution

Details: Association of solicitors specialising in family law, who adopt a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family problems. It can provide a list of local members. The website contains free information on issues such as splitting up, parenting apart and child maintenance.

Phone: 0168 982 0272

Organisation: Reunite

Details: Charity providing advice, information and support on all issues related to international parental child abduction, prevention of abduction, international contact issues, and cases of permission to remove a child from the country.

Phone: 020 7251 6577

Organisation: The Parent Connection

Details: The website supports parents through separation and parenting difficulties. There are a range of resources including articles, videos and support to develop a new parenting relationship after separation, along with practical ideas to overcome problems.

Making arrangements for your children

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Making arrangements for your children

This factsheet will help you make effective arrangements for your child about where they live and when they spend time with each parent and their family and friends. These are important decisions for all the family, and there are many things to consider, so it may take time to find arrangements that work for you all.

Most parents are able to make effective arrangements between themselves, but others need some help to do this. Details of organisations offering support are listed in the Useful Organisations section. Whatever arrangements you finally make, the important thing is that you have tried your best to come to an arrangement that is best for the child, and for you as a family.

For more information on contact arrangements between your child and their other parent, see our frequently asked questions here. For information tailored to your circumstances, contact our helpline on 0808 802 0925. Calls are free from landlines and mobiles.

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