Hi it's me again and I'm a bit stressed out because for one thing this computer sucks ass and the music will never work on it but then also there is the matter of paying to get my computer fixed, my brothers claim that they will let me borrow the money but I just don't have faith in my family at all. I'm not sure when I got so lost and confused about life and where I stood in it? I mean I used to be this real person with dreams & goals but somewhere I just got lost but what happened to the girl I used to be? I often am afraid that I don't know where I'm going in life and what I really want in life either? I mean my siblings have always told me to want a children and a guy but I have always wanted so much more than that. I think that there was a time that I did want those things that they have but I could never bring myself to trust any guy enough to sleep with him, I always assumed that if I did he would leave or break me in such a way that it would destroy me completely forever. So I never risked my heart for any guy. One of my greatest fears and regrets are that I never with any guy ever because it wasn't that I only thought they would leave and break me but I always assumed if I did even have sex or hook up with some random guy even that it would be fleeting because my sisters would find a way to ruin it for me. I know that they would either kill the guy or one of them would hook up with said guy just to prove their selves to be right. Another fear was that if I hooked up with a guy that I would find out later that he was with one of my sister before me, that is one of my worst fears ever. I often wonder who is this person that I've become because I don't recognize myself anymore? There was a guy once that it came close to considering sleeping with, it wasn't love but it was definitely lust on my part anyway. He was so smoking hot that I still think about him from time to time. He was so my type too, because he had a prison record, he had tattoos, he had piercings, he even knew how to ride a motorcycle too. He was the total bad boy that every mother warns their daughter to stay away from, which was totally my type when I was 16 at the time I knew him. I don't know why I still think of A.J. (that was his name) still even after 17 years later, what is wrong with me? Looking back now though, I think that there were only three reasons that I didn't sleep with him, reason one was, I wasn't in love with him and even though I know some women don't need to feel that to have sex with someone, I realized that I wasn't one of them women, I needed and wanted to be in love before I took that step and even though I was extremely attracted to him, it wasn't love and it never would be at least I don't think it would be for me. Reason two was that afterwards it wouldn't have meant anything to him at all, I mean I could be any girl, and I knew that I deserved so much more than a one night stand from some guy that I barely even knew. Reason three was the fact that I met him through my very friendly sister if you know what I mean? She may have been with his uncle at the time but there was no telling with her because she is one of those girls that could never be just friends with any guy, she just doesn't have it in her. I guess I was afraid that maybe she had done something sexual with him before I had met him because that happened to me once before. I didn't want to be with someone that one of my sisters were with first or after either, I know that I deserve more than their sloppy seconds. There was an incident that happened to me when I was younger and I liked a boy but then found out that he had sex with my very friendly sister, it nearly killed me, which is why the mer thought of even being with a guy that one of my sisters even knows makes me afraid. I know most sisters help each other but it seems like mine only ever hurts me in so many sick & awful ways. What is worse is that they don't even know that they did hurt me because I will never tell them the truth about anything because they are really untrustworthy in my eyes anyway. I had a dream a few nights ago that someone had abducted me but the weird thing was that no one even noticed in my family that I was even gone? I mean there is not no way that that could even happen right? The other thing was in the dream the guy used the internet against me, to convince people that I left on my own using this site, weird huh?

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Hi, this is me again, sometimes I can't stand my family, I mean they are so rude and nothing that I ever do is good enough either for them. I am trying so hard to become my own person but as someone once said, "how can I ever become who, I am supposed to be with everyone watching me with these expectations of me? I mean life is hard enough with people adding other pressures to it to begin with. I often think about when I was younger and the people that were in my life then, and I wonder was that really my life? I barely recognized myself looking back then. I was so inept especially around men, I felt like I couldn't breath around an attractive man. I guess in some ways, I am still that scared, silly little girl when it comes to men because I have yet to experience that one great love from anyone yet. I have always been afraid to let someone in because then I think that they will hurt me but as another great person said, "if you keep people away then you won't get hurt but you won't get loved either." I suppose they do have a point though but I'm still afraid, I guess to let people in, I suppose that is why I'm still virgin, at almost 33 years old. I don't feel like one though because I often have urges that scare me, sometimes I wish I had just done it when I was 16 with this incredible hot guy, named A.J. He was so sexy and so my type too. I have really bad taste in men too, such as I find piercings and tattoos to be a turn on, you the classic bad boy syndrome that many good girls fall into? That was me but I never let it go too far because I never wanted to become like one of my siblings. I did not want to end up with a bunch of kids and no baby daddies around to help like my sisters did. I mean it seems to me that the men in their life only comes home to lie to them or to beat them. Maybe that is why I am not so thrilled to jump on any love train with a guy because all I've seen them do is only hurt the people that they claim to love??? I guess, I'm just stressing and I hate this computer too, I'm also afraid that I won't pass my math class too, and I will not be able to pay to have my computer fixed either??? Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because the world gets to be too much for me to handle....

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My computer broke and now I am stuck with this rent a center reject until I get my computer out of the shop in a month, I'm not even sure how I am going to pay for it when it is ready. I don't know maybe I'll figure out something, maybe someone will loan me the money until I get my taxes back or something. I swear that I hate this computer though because it won't download no music sites or Google chrome either which really does tick me off but to top it all off it will not load facebook or myspace games either. I am taking it back today, so the guy can look at it because it is slower than my grandmother too and she's dead!!! I hate this, I hate this, did I mention that I hate this computer or what?

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Hi sorry that I have not written anything lately but I have been preoccupied lately with school, I guess but I really need to vent right now though. My brother was at our house yesterday and he was going on and on about what a great guy our dad was and I just wanted to scream at him because he is such a liar. I mean I don't have many memories of him but what I do know is not good at all, in fact most of it is bad. When I was younger I used to think that he hung the moon and I really missed out on not knowing him; that was until I knew the truth about who he really was, a cheater, a liar, a coward, if you asked me. I mean he had two other children, while he was married to mom, one was a teenager that lived in our house, how sick is that? Of course my mom claims that she never knew about any of it but how could that have gone on in her house without her knowing about it? They ry to convince me that he was all about family but I'll never believe them because the facts don't backup any of their stories, that is all they are to me is stories about some stranger. I mean I do think that he loved us in his own way but I don't think that we always came first in his life, which is probably where my siblings got their bad habits of choosing someone over their children, and they always say that he didn't pass on any bad traits to them but yea he did. Then my brother had the nerve to bring up my other nieces and nephews that were taken away by children protective services, which still hurts me because I was really close with them, I used to babysit them ever weekend. I mean where was he when they were being taken away? I'll tell you where, stuck on some girl completely forgetting about us as he always does. The same as all the rest of my siblings do, they get so tangled up with someone that they completely loose their own identity, that will never happen to me ever, I won't let it. I remember Scott Jr. was my nephew's name, I was the last one to hold him, I guess that I thought that it would hurt less but I was wrong, it hurt more, it still hurts now more than 20 years later. My mom says what is the harm in letting people believe that things were the way that they wanted them to be instead of how they really were? I guess they are not hurting anyone pretending that is how things really were but I can't live in their pretend world, not anymore anyway. Sorry if this went on a bit longer that I expected but I really needed to vent, it helped me.

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It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

Hi, I think that life sucks sometimes, I mean here I am writing down crap when I need to be doing my power point presentation but instead I am goofing off. I so hope that I am never like my siblings because they make awful mistakes and then they don't even own up to the things that they have done, instead they blame other people for their mistakes. Then there is also the fact that their spouses not only lie & cheat on them but they are also abusive towards them as well. Then they wonder why I will not ever be with anyone. I think that it stems from my childhood and the types of relationships that I saw growing up but I have never been with another person sexually. I am not sure but I have trouble relating to people and I have trouble trusting people and letting them in. It could be because of what happened when I was a kid too because when I was little I was molested by a family friend. His name was Jack, which is why I hate that name. I mean I have trouble saying "I love you" to anyone even my family. I also tense up when someone even tries to touch me, even when it is not sexual in nature. I do wish that I could let it go and move on with my life but it seems to haunt me still. My sisters think that there is something wrong with me because I have not ever had sex with a guy ever. I do think about it and I do have urges but I just don't think that I could ever trust anyone that much to do that with them. Another reason that I think that I have trouble relating to men is because my dad died when I was really small and I don't remember him at all. I didn't grow up with a male influence in my life either. It wasn't like there wasn't many guys that wanted the job because there were but my sisters would not let any man replace my father in my life, but they didn't realize that their actions are partly to blame for me being distrustful of men now. I do understand that they were trying to protect me but they weren't doing me any favors by shielding me from life. They also didn't get me either, I mean how can someone be replaced if you don't remember them in the first place? How could I ever had a sexual relationship with anyone if I didn't even know how to have a friendship with anyone? I will give an example, my mom had a boyfriend, he was an ok guy and he tried to have a father-daughter relationship with me and I was starting to trust him but I guess that my siblings didn't like it because they put an end to it by starting a rumor that he wanted to be more than friends with me. I shut down again and pushed him away because of them, they tried to turn our relationship into something sick and twisted. He is gone now, he died last year around this time of year from cancer. I still miss the talks that we used to have late at night.

Current Mood: apathetic

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I had such an awful day and I need to vent, first while I was I waiting for the bus, it started to rain hard, then all the buses that went by were centro school buses that only picks up teenagers for school,which I don't even get. I mean really what do the bus drivers think will happen, we will kidnap them or something? I just don't see why they can't pick up other passengers when they are going to the same place? Then I finally do get a bus and when I get downtown the light refuses to change, so I don't wait for it, I run across the street instead. Then I asked the driver if they go to upstate, he says yea. So I figure that he turns into the hospital, wrong again, the story of my life. Not only does he not turn into the hospital but he doesn't even stop until we are around the corner and a block away from the hospital, now why couldn't he just tell me that in the first place? I also hate hospitals, I know who doesn't right? I went to visit my nephew in the hospital and I did not plan on staying there as long as I did but him & mom begged me to stay the night. I figured that since I constantly go to Boston, Mas. with my other nephew and stayed over in the hospital with him all the time that it wouldn't be a problem and I also figured that if it was a problem that they would say something before one o'clock in the morning. I guess that I seriously miscalculated though, then the nurse comes in at almost one am in the morning to tell me that I need to leave. I mean visiting hours ended at 9pm, so why would they wait until that late to kick me out? I went up there on a bus, there were no buses running at that time of night, I mean hell if they had told me even 2 hours before then I could have gotten a ride home. The nurse said, she was trying to be nice but come on, nice is an hour or two after visiting hours not until one in the morning. I felt so stupid and pathetic, I had to borrow some money for a cab that is how low I felt, I did try to call my other nephew to get a ride from him but he was half asleep cause he has to work in the morning though. I feel so ashamed and angry, like I have this rage inside me and if I let it will destroy me completely. I hope that no one finds out, it's weird even though I didn't know, why do I still feel like I'm the one who did something wrong? God this has been a day from hell, the only good thing that I can say that happened was I posted my math homework on time, I'm so thankful for that..., I really needed to vent this awful day away...

If I could just hang out with a fictional character for a whole day, I am not sure because it would be hard to choose between Dean Winchester and Damon Salvatore...I mean I love both of them and their devil may care attitude as well...Really it would not have to be a day just an hour or two at night alone if you get my drift???