The Joys of Bartending IX

It’s been quite some time, sorry about that. Even though it’s been ages, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing things down or that nothing funny has been happening. What it means is that life has been crazy busy and something has to get pushed to the side. Unfortunately that’s been writing for me. I’m going to try my hardest to be better…but I digress.

This last weekend was terribly entertaining as far as bartending was concerned. It’s also much more entertaining after the fact then it was during the chaos. Here’s how Friday night went for us.

It was a typical full moon night…..WEIRD. Early in the night nothing specific stood out but the vibe was weird, the crowd was weird and people were drinking…. a lot! My bartending partner and I would look at each other and shake our heads or shrug our shoulders every now and then to prove we knew, we just knew it was strange. Her and I were even running into each other behind the bar more than normal, it was one of those days we were acting like we’d never worked together. Even our karaoke singers were all over the board, normally we’re middle of the road with talent but this particular night we had amazing singers and then those singers that made you want to jab yourself in the ear with a sharp pencil. Like I say to my customers “always applaud, for those who are bad, you applaud because it’s over”.

Around midnight the downhill slide reached warp speed. One of our regulars who is normally very well-behaved became not so well-behaved. On a normal night if we tell him it’s time to go home, he says ‘okay’ and promptly leaves and walk home. On this not so normal night he said ‘okay’ and walked out the front door……only to immediately return through the back door. Rinse and repeat seven times!!! Yes I said SEVEN. He had his eye on a woman he thought he was going to take home. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to go into detail here when I say that would not have turned out so great for him. It would have been like stepping up to the plate at a major league game with a wet dishcloth rather than a bat. Finally my bartending partner raised her voice to a thunderous level, took him by the arm and escorted him to the corner and watched him cross the street. I think we saved him from humiliation by making him leave without her. He should be thanking us.

About the time we got done dealing with him, karaoke wrapped up and we were discussing the ‘weirdness’ of the night with the DJ, three guys walked in who had clearly been elsewhere for a few. One of them is a regular and the other two we had seen before but were unfamiliar with any of their drunken habits. They had a beer and the regular asked for a shot. I said “no, no hard alcohol for you”, as usual, the regular agreed and we went on our merry way……until one of them wasn’t merry anymore.

It started with this kid accusing us (all of us, even his friends) of stealing his $50 bill. We all stood around as he searched every pocket, more than once, and finally dug it out. No apology, no nothing, just attitude. Finally we had enough of him and asked him to leave…..now this is where all hell breaks loose.

We made him leave out the back door, he came in the front. We made him leave out the front door, he came in the back. Rinse and repeat too many times to count. I would guess about the eighth or ninth time he started calling me a retard very loudly and over and over again. Now, I don’t want to get physical with anyone but I will if I have to. My hundred pound partner escorts him out the back door once more and tells him not to come back. We spotted him walking around the building so I was waiting for him at the front door with my hands on his hips.

He opened the door, stepped in, saw me standing there and threw himself on the floor and started throwing a temper tantrum. I would have started giggling here if I wasn’t so mad so I said “get off the floor and get out, just because we throw you out the back door, doesn’t mean you get to come back in the front door”. About the time my lecture was complete a new song came on the juke box and no kidding, he looked up at me and said “oooohh, I love this song” and started playing air guitar while laying on the floor. Again, hilarious now, not so funny then.

I put my head in my hands so I wouldn’t scream at the top of my lungs and he got up and got in my face. He pulled back his arm like he was going to hit me and I said “please, please hit me”. I’m pretty sure his buddy yelled “don’t hit her” so he ran to his buddy at the other end of the bar. My partner then herded him out the back door once again, that time he grabbed onto everything he possibly could which resulted in tearing a bunch of posters off the wall. One of the regulars followed her out for support. I picked up torn pieces of posters and thought I better check on the situation outside. When I got out there my partner said “grab the phone, we’re calling the cops”. I asked if she was okay, she said “yes, he’s just very verbally abusive and called me the word you never call a woman” so I grabbed my phone and told the guy I was going to call the police. He started running across the street, lost his shoe, fell and was rolling around in the middle of the street when I dialed 911. That’s where he stayed, screaming and swearing while I was on the phone with dispatch.

I had to go back in because there were customers still in the bar, my partner and the regular stayed outside to wait for the police. Once the police got there the kid tried to run and ended up in a fenced in apartment complex so couldn’t get away. He did attempt to stand very still so the cops couldn’t see him….that didn’t work. Once the spotlight was on him and the officer got out of the car, the kid threw his shoe at him which promptly got him arrested.

I was tending to matters inside which consisted of attempting to calm one of our giggling regulars down who couldn’t seem to control herself, we now call her the giggle patrol. The officer came in to question me and the giggle patrol was right behind me giggling uncontrollably. The officer asked my name and of course I had to be a smarty pants and make a comment about being one of America’s Most Wanted. The giggle patrol only got worse and we struggled through the questioning. Finally I told the officer “I really wanted to run him over when he was in the middle of the street”. The officer looked at me, smiled and said “I would have looked the other way”.

I’m thankful he had a sense of humor at 1:45 AM after what I can only assume was a long Friday night for him too.