Claim: Wal-Mart Can Make You Impotent

Concerns also have been raised about noise and light pollution [from a proposed and challenged new Wal-Mart Super Store], including a much-discussed claim by Washington State University Professor James Krueger on Jan. 13 that light pollution could cause Pullman men to become impotent. He based the claim on research involving deer.

Well, there's your problem with this study right there. The research involved deer. Of course this research showed male impotency. Who the hell wants to fuck a deer? I mean, yeah, okay, I'll admit it, I had a crush on Bambi's girlfriend Felina as a kid (almost as big as a crush as I had on the Zsa Zsa Gabor mouse from The Rescuers), but I'm older now, and I just don't find animals arousing anymore.

Well, not as arousing. Zira from Planet of the Apes is always kind of cute. It always leads to the question: Would you rather have sex with a charming, intelligent ape-woman who was also a medical doctor, or a mute retard like Nova?

Of course the answer is the latter. I didn't say it was an interesting question. Just a question.

Sometimes there's just no good joke you can make, and you should probably just give up, rather than throwing a lot of lame crap at the wall. I know this in my head, but not in my heart.