Monday, April 2, 2007

For years I have been a minority in my office. A Gentile. Unchosen by God and shunned by my coworkers, I felt lonely, like I had no one to turn to, not even Christ because he was the one that got me in this mess in the first place.

It is the worst on Jewish holidays. Everyone milling about the office, talking about their plans to leave early. It was so obvious that I was uninvolved that I was literally asked to close up at the end of the day. It was understood that I would still be here, reading the Gospels and receiving the sacraments, long after everyone else had left.

But no more! Now I’ve got a Jew girlfriend, and she’s a ticket into the cool club. It’s like being in high school and now that I’ve stopped hanging with Jesus and started dating the head cheerleader, everyone wants a piece of me. Guys are stopping at my office, asking me what time I’m leaving. I tell them, “Around 3:00,” and they’re all, “Hey, stop by my office. I’ll walk out with you.” One guy even asked me what I was having for Seder. It was like that old commercial where the kid makes all these friends because his mom makes mac and cheese.

Basically, I’m having the best time being Jewish. I have no idea why they call themselves a tortured people. It’s like having a snow day for God, and everyone wants a ride on the sled of my eternal soul. And I would stick around and flush out that metaphor, but I’ve got to go. See you later, Catholic suckas!*

Links

Now Reading

Everything Is Wrong with Me: A Memoir of an American Childhood Gone, Well, Wrong, by Jason Mulgrew

I promise that one of these days I will write a book. Well, promise is a strong word. But until that day (probably) comes, you can tide yourself over reading this blog-turned-book. Then when the day comes that some reviewer writes, "Daniel Murphy's new book is just like Jason Mulgrew's only without the good parts" you can be like, "Hey, I know what he's talking about."

Now Watching

The Bachelorette, ABC, 8:00 Mondays

You guys, I don't know if I can do it. There's a "Tattoo Count" on the guys' bio pages. And Ali is like Brittany Spears without the redeeming past. Can we really do this for ANOTHER season? Shouldn't someone just be like, "We've done this 16 times! HERE IS WHERE THE LOVE IS. You can stop looking for it now"? Ah, crap. There's a ukulele. Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in with their Indignity TreatsTM.

Now Listening To

Adam Arcuragi, I Am Become Joy“Bottom of the River”

My little sister, who officially became cooler than me sometime around her thirteenth birthday, sent me this video. If this isn't what music is all about, I don't know what is. (Intercourse? Maybe intercourse.)