I have a temper. I know I have a temper, I acknowledge I have a temper, and I do my best to control my temper. Email can tend to be my weakness – stupid questions cause me to type before I think, leading me often to wonder why we don’t have a ‘ten second I changed my mind delay’ button we can use to get email back before it soars out over the ether. Since Bill Gates has yet to invent one, I decided that starting a column which basically begs people to send me stupid questions might not be such a good idea — the questions might need to be answered, but by a calmer person than me.

When I decided to start a page called ‘Ask the French Bulldog Experts‘, I knew I needed some breeder experts less likely than myself to call people ‘dumb asses’ at the drop of the hat. Pat, in particular, has shown herself to have the ability to answer even the silliest questions with unflagging patience and good humor (Kathi, on the other hand, is my alter ego, and more like to respond with a reply starting with ‘Dear Idiot’. Ha!).

I knew we were opening the floodgates, but for the most part the questions have been sincere inquiries about the ethics of breeding. The law of averages being what it is, though, it makes sense that we were due for a missive of world class stoopid proportions. Enter today’s correspondent.

Her initial email was baffling, but seemed to be the typical ramblings of a ‘dog breeders are all mercenary assholes’ Peta acolyte:

From: xxxx <xxx@xxx.net>*Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2008 16:31:28 -0600Subject: Ask the French Bulldog BreederWhy do you people breed your dogs, if not to make money? If you are better than everyone else that breeds dogs you should only have dogs for pets not for profit.It really gets annoying to read all these webs sites that bad mouth all breeders but themselves, seems to me the only reason to have a litter of any kind of puppy is to profit from it. And the people that breed Frenchies want an outrageous price for their pet quality puppies….and you know as well as I do that not every puppy is show or breeder quality. But you all want that all mighty dollar for your litters of puppies….Thanks for another PETA moment at your site………….

Now, I know I should have left this one to Pat, but come on – it was early morning, I was coffee deprived, and the first thing I read is an email from some AR wackjob accusing me of only breeding dogs for money. Where that money is supposed to be, I’d dearly like to know, because I’m almost going to have to take out a house loan to pay off Solo’s vet bills, but I digress.

Since I’m an imperfect person, here’s my response –

I’m sorry, was there a question in all of this, or did you just write to get in more obnoxious twat practice?

Pat, on the other, emailed me lamenting that there didn’t seem to be any opportunity for education in the original email. See? I told you she was a better person than me.

To good to hope that the Peta wank would let it lie with just one email, I soon enough found this in my in box –

thank you for your reply……pissed you off didn’t it………..just like your self righteous web page pisses off other breeders that are doing what’s right without bad mouthing everyone else on their sites.

You could probably sell just as many dogs without printing the PETA crap. If people like you continue to publicize their crap one day we will have NO rights to even own a dog or eat meat in this country…..The government through the special interests groups have already taken away more of our freedoms than I care to go into….. So if bad mouthing me because I had an opinion works for you…. Have a fine day …………..

Go ahead and print this in your blog Dickhead !!!!!

Well, now I’m confused. Apparently she’s not the Peta wank – I am. It seems she thinks I’m some sort of dog breeding undercover front for Peta, dead set on stopping people from eating meat or owning pets (because we know how pro dog breeding Peta is). I truly and honestly don’t know what point she was trying to make — that being pro ethics equals being pro Peta? That Pat and Kathi’s extraordinarily polite answers to the questions people have so far submitted somehow align them with the Animal Liberation Front? That when the moon is full, the crazies come out and write emails?

Either way, my less than patient response was this –

What on earth are you blathering about? Where have we EVER supported PETA, you idiotic little twat? Where have we ever done anything but expose PETA as the self serving, money grubbing liars they are? Are you talking about articles where we’ve posted things like “PETA Kills Animals, No One Outside Hollywood Surprised”? Yes, I can see how that could be taken as being supportive of them (that’s called sarcasm).

And where on earth have we ever bad mouthed dog breeders? Are you even aware of who you are emailing, or are you off of whatever meds you’re supposed to be taking? Did you miss the part where you emailed ‘Ask the DOG BREEDER’, or did you mis read that as ‘Ask the AR Nutjob’?

I’m not bad mouthing you for having an opinion, I’m bad mouthing you for having a serious lack of any kind of reading comprehension skills. Two different things altogether. Also, you’ve mistaken ‘ironic amusement at your stupidity’ for ‘pissed off’. Yet again, two different things.

But, feel free to continue. I like a nice long thread.

Yes, I know I didn’t handle it well. Yes, I know I should have been more polite, more rational and less impulsive. But, hey! That’s what Pat and Kathi are for.

I’d write more, but I have to go picket a KFC – and pick up some dinner while I’m there.

ps: turns out I’m good company – The Pet Connection people have also been accused of being both pro Peta and pro puppy mills. Read their entry on it here – but I’ll bet they’ve never been accused of being both simultaneously, and by the same person.

* Identifying details such as name, email address and home state removed. Don’t say I never do anyone any favors.

Absolutely hiliarious! Talk about missing the memo…a dog breeder who is in it for the big bucks, plotting to corner the market, is trying to end pet ownership. That sounds like a very original business plan indeed.

Maybe I’ll put a little ‘ask’ link up – sounds like a rollicking good time!