Playing wingman to a lonely legman

Today, readers get their writes on a variety of topics, so I can hang out at home after Thanksgiving, watch sports, eat leftovers and sleep late.

I have a question about your friend, the Polish Spartacus. Who is this Polish Spartacus that you write about? John S.

Dear John S. -- He's my young apprentice. Like all my other legmen -- from the legendary Slim the Legman to Mrs. Flynn to the Swede -- the Polish Spartacus was asked the most important question in journalism: What is beef, dry and hot? If he couldn't answer, he'd be fired. But he figured it out. His real name is Tom Rybarczyk, he's 25, and the women around here say he's quite handsome and dashing and he works out like a madman. Actually, he looks like a movie star. His problem? Spartacus is lonely. He keeps looking for a Polish girl to date, one that attends church and is virtuous and kind, so his mom and his 83-year-old busia can dance at his wedding. So, do you know any stunningly beautiful, intelligent, fashionable Polish girls that would want to date a red-blooded "Old School" Polish-American youth? I know they're out there. This is my question for you, and for all of Polonia. What of Spartacus? Answer, please. Spartacus awaits.

John, on the MSNBC Countdown the other night, there was a bit about the newest coffee fad: Monkey Spit Coffee. It seems that when monkeys eat coffee beans, they only eat the husks and spit out the beans, which can then be gathered, roasted and sold for $60 a pound. Personally, I wouldn't try the stuff, but I'm going to PetSmart to get a couple of monkeys. Peter J.

Dear Peter -- At $60 a pound, Taiwanese Monkey Spit Coffee is a steal. Actually, I wouldn't mind chewing a few pounds myself. I could chew, write columns, spit the beans on the office carpet, and make a fortune. We'll call it Kass' Spit Coffee. I'll undercut your monkeys and sell mine for $58 a pound. And I'll even ask the mayor and governor to chew a few bushels and we'll sell it for $1,000 a pound at the Chicago Chumbolone Museum and Casino. It sure beats that $450 per pound Cat Crap Coffee, culled from the digested coffee beans chewed by Indonesian civets, which is quite the delicacy. What can I say? I'm a coffee snob.

John, in no way shape or form did Anthony "Twan" Doyle -- the convicted and corrupt former Outfit-sponsored Chicago police officer -- invent the word "chumbolone." My mother has been using the word for years. And she got it from her mother, who came here from Italy in the 1920s. Chumbolone means someone who's raggedy, like a bum, i.e., "tuck your shirt in; you can't go out looking like a chumbolone." Ray C., Chicago .

Dear Ray -- Thanks, but with all due respect to your Italian grandmother, I wouldn't match her against Twan Doyle, who insists that chumbolone means idiot, fool, stupid (or, perhaps, taxpayer). Consider the politicians dealing with mass-transit chaos, while they move toward a new Chumbolone Casino. Nobody is looking at who gets what, and how much. All the media are talking about is "transit doomsday" this and "transit doomsday" that, so we'll stampede toward a casino without asking questions. If George Orwell were alive right now, you know what he'd call us: A buncha chumbolones.

John, the best coffee in the world is even simpler than a percolator. Try it. Get a tall tin pot. If you have a stove-top percolator, just take out the innards. Fill it three quarters of the way with water, bring it to a roiling boil, and throw in two palms full of regular grocery store coffee. Be careful. It might bubble up and make a mess. Slowly stir to reduce the bubbles and reduce the heat. The bubbles will go away soon. Boil it for five minutes, or however long it takes you to get dressed. Turn the heat way down, or off. Splash in a half a coffee cup of cold water to settle the grounds to the bottom.. It's wholesome, traditional and normal. I call it campfire coffee or cowboy coffee. Anyway, it's good and simple. Dale W.

Dear Dale W. -- Sounds great. I'll try it. But I'm partial to my Old School percolator, and to Billy Goat Tavern coffee, which only costs 55 cents, including tax.

John, is anyone looking into why former Will County State's Atty. Jeff Tomczak did not investigate the Kathleen Savio case more closely? Was he protecting someone, or was he just incompetent? Tony A.

Dear Tony -- It amazed me, and the rest of us, that the third wife of serial marrier and Bolingbrook police officer Drew Peterson could end up dead in a bathtub without water in it, and Tomczak didn't do much, if anything. It also amazes me that Tomczak got elected as a Republican in Will County, because Mayor Richard Daley's political machine sent hundreds of Democratic political workers from City Hall out there to elect him. Tomczak's father, the corrupt Water Department boss Don Tomczak, was helping elect pro-Daley candidates, including U.S. Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Tomczak), with those same illegal patronage armies. Now Don is in federal prison. Jeff is out of a job. Somebody should start asking questions about City Hall and Will County. Will Greta Van Susteren ask about Jeff Tomczak?