August 21, 2009

Although the assassination attempts just keep coming (yes, America, I know you were behind the shrapnel in my granola), your Fierce and Fiery continues to stand proudly on the beaten down bodies of you, citizens. The carpet your limp and weary forms provide has protected Me on more than one occasion. Such a rich and thick carpet that not even land mines can penetrate it to harm your Cutthroat Autocrat.

And the heat emitted by your prostrate selves keeps Me warm even during this summer of endless cold. It was only after the Great Move was completed that the foolish bureaucrats who previously managed the day-to-day dealings of the Republic (bureaucrats who no longer have heads attached to shoulders) realized that the climes of this new location were significantly cooler than what you lowly peons were accustomed to. More importantly, your Gallant Hero hates the cold. But I have realized the strategic importance of Our new location and so citizens, I must impart to you the need to hold fast until We can realize our political goals.

Yes, the summers are like winter here. And yes, the rain burns like acid. And yes, yes, the tornadoes tear the roofs from your homes. But peons, you must be strong and bear this ungodly weather for the sake of the Republic. Once certain unmentionable business is concluded and Your Amazing Fandancer is ruler of the entire freaking planet, the Republic will be able to change the weather and have warm feet without standing on the half-alive bodies of citizens.

April 21, 2009

Peons, I know you need me. I know you are meowing outside my office door, begging for my attention, but you have to realize that your Powerful Point of Awesomeness has more important matters to attend to than your tiny insignificant needs. Cry out if you must, but My ears are attuned to more important issues. An important world leader like Myself does not have time for your petty desire for attention.

Regardless of whether you have four legs or a pathetic two legs, your Smoking Hotness cannot be there to stroke you every time you are feeling insecure. Citizen, you must learn to stand on your own plurality of feet. The feathered toys I have to offer you are no substitute for a real life filled with meaningful contact with your fellow citizens in the fields where you toil to pull the food you need from the earth. Your Righteous Action cannot be there to hold your hand every second you are awake. Purr and rub against My legs if you must, but My quest for world domination will always come first.

Peons! The Dictator will allow you the great honour of being seen in the same webspace as Her Almighty Amazingness. Send your pathetic links and Her staff may post it here, making your life complete and leaving you no further reason to live.

But should you somehow manage to continue to live, your Shining Leader also accepts e-mail. Of course, She would never lower herself to reading it, but you can send it to Her here .