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5.21.2012

"get smart" 5/20-6/18/2012 (hi mom!)

My mom is worried about me. I would probably be worried about my kid too. It's a mom thing.

Sometimes I forget that people are reading this... and then other times I am all too aware of it (like tonight maybe, because I have been doing some MAJOR procrastinating self loving on the way to this seat). Even though I've already settled into being my authentic self here and letting whatever results be, there have been times where I have wondered if the stories I told or the perspective I told them from was true enough (as if there were such a thing as "true enough"). I mean, do I ever give the impression that this is easy? I hope not. Do I ever give the impression that this is hard? I hope not that either. It's both and it's neither. All that it is for me is necessary. Some moments are joyous and some are painful... some feel easy (I think I would be more likely to describe them as natural) and some feel hard (and in those moments I would probably describe them as excruciating).

The 24 hours between late afternoon Sunday and late afternoon today felt hard in the moment, but the moment has passed and like anything else I learned a whole lot from it. I have way too much to write for tonight, but I promise you'll hear the story eventually.

and they seem so far away now!

Not that I need to control anyone's experience (although I'd like to!!, she says in her best sing-song voice), but what if we do this? I'll keep writing whatever comes out and if you are curious about any part of it... ask me. What do I mean by blankity blank? or what is it that is overwhelming me (because by the way, lately it's been collecting inspiring articles to read and videos to watch... I've collected so many I am paralyzed at where to start!)? or whatever you want to know--if you want to know. Because the thing is, I know the whole story in my head and even though I am a phenomenal communicator (smirk) I get here and just type and sometimes don't even re-read before posting and I never really see what's left out until later if at all.

Deal?

Two days ago... on Saturday the "ish" month came to a close, and this is the part where I report back about the outcomes of the month with charts and a new picture of my ass. Here's the thing(s):

I bought myself a divorce present--an iMac, and it doesn't have excel (or "Numbers") yet, so even though I've been tracking my best self qualifiers in google docs the chart settings aren't saved and I just don't have the motivation to recreate them right now. I will get back to you on that.

I'm not sure this "month" will EVER end. I felt like my "best self" more this month than either of the two prior despite (or maybe because of) the reduction in anti-anxiety meds, the heartbreak, the return of the comfort food relationship, etc. This is where I want to be. I want to learn NEW things, not learn the same damn lessons over and over again... I want to learn the lessons and integrate them into my being so I can move on to the drama that's next. Staying here, in this kind of headspace, with this kind of focus, works for me...

A few outcomes of note/aka owning up to my intentions:

Daily meditation: I started meditating daily one week ago... for 5-10 minutes a day. Prior to that I did it a total of 7 times for the month. I think I said I was going to do it 2-3x a day... oops. :)

Daily intuitive conversations: Yeah, I did this once or twice.

Spiritual Journeys: The plan was to trek to Ojai, this labyrinth in LA, and try and find the mystic portal in Griffith Park. I didn't make it to ANY, but I still will...

Tapping into resources: Went to a psychic, tuned in to my inner psychic, read a TON, went to a talk about spiritual psychology, listened to oodles of podcasts on my excruciating commute.

Group spirituality: Didn't make it to the "church" of my intention, but did go to Meditation Group!

Not the finest list of accomplishments of my life, but the finest list of self honoring choices I've ever made. :)

All that said, yesterday, Sunday the 20th was the beginning of a new "month." This month's intention is to "get smart (from books and other sources)." I suppose it is apropos that I went to an appointment with an admission's counselor at my future (just have to figure out how to pay for it--investments in my future are accepted!) grad school.

The intentions (or maybe I should call them... "things I'm thinking about trying and will completely forgive myself for if I don't manage to do it all because who can do it all really?") for this month are:

Take a class (audio, online, video, whatever... just take a class)

Read a non-fiction book (all of it. from start to finish. about learn something new.)

Seek out an academic experience (like maybe grad school?)

Ask questions--lots of them. And do so from a perspective of genuine curiosity.

by the way, I'm going back to my hairdresser tomorrow... more on that saga when I return!

p.s. I DID NOT use the conscious choice log... not once. I still think it's an amazing idea... and someday I'll mock up some worksheets and market the hell out of them and make it sound very convincing even though I never actually did it myself (I'm sure I'll own up to it, especially since I just did)