'PLL' Recap: Ali's "Kidnapper" Is Revealed, but Now We're More Confused Than Ever

What. Is. Happening.

So this is one of those thinker episodes that leaves you with more questions than answers: Spencer deals with double trouble in the form of Sydney and Jenna (who are dressed identically from head to toe, glasses and all!), and we finally see Noel Kahn's face. On top of that, the Hanna/Zack/Ella drama comes to a head with a little help from the ever-protective (and ever-hunky) Caleb. Oh, and Ali's "kidnapper"? He's a thing now. Noticeably absent from this episode, though? The latest with Big Rhonda and Bethany. But never fear! We've got plenty to talk about.

Just Call Her "Coach Em"

It's official! That guy who plays President Fitzgerald Grant III's main secret service dude on Scandal (less than two months—we can do it!) makes Emily's new fancy role as assistant swim coach a done deal. And just as they're finalizing the details, Em notices a top secret binder with all the boys' locker numbers—and combos—sitting on the shelf. The second she gets a moment alone, she swipes it and immediately searches for Noel's info because 1) Ali hired him to break into Hanna's house, and 2) Em caught Noel creepily listening to a convo between Ali and Shana in his car on a super loud ancient recorder. So what's a girl to do? Break into Noel's car, of course!

Em snags Noel's keys from his locker, breaks into his ride, and fishes around the glove box, where she finds the recording in an envelope with a ton of photos from when Ali was "kidnapped." So, let's get this straight: Noel's got all this creepy footage of Ali, but the two are supposedly buddy-buddy? I don't buy it.

Hanna Gets to the Bottom...of the Bottle

First and foremost: Han, I love your jacket. Second: c'mon, girl, enough with the boozing already. Mama Marin gets a glimpse of Hanna's flask, which she's not stoked about, but says she "understands" after her and Ali's run-in with the bad guy in last week's episode. You don't even KNOW, Ashley.

Hanna and Caleb's relationship is still headed down a dark and twisty path—even after Spencer shows up at Caleb's unannounced to talk some sense into him—and Han keeps running to him for comfort. This time it's for the whole Zack thing, which she finally lets him in on. Caleb is not stoked (naturally), and tells Hanna a very obvious lie about heading out to grab dinner when in reality, he heads straight to Zack's place of business to sock him one. There's a big catch, though. Zack's preparing for his engagement party with Ella (more on that later), and he also got a note from "Hanna" (AKA A), saying she was shy and to try again, which is why he hopped in her car last week.

I still don't get the whole Zack storyline, but I'm thinking maybe it's coming to an end and it was just a weird way to wrap up his character? I mean, Ella and Zack call off their engagement (after Aria approaches Ella, who mentions that Zack has had this issue before) and Papa Montgomery is back. So Aria and Hanna reconcile, and I've got a feeling Byron and Ella will be back together one day too.

Sydney and Jenna: Double Trouble

Getting your pupils dilated is one of the weirdest things that can happen to your eyes, but once you start hallucinating, you know it's bad. Fortunately for Spencer (or _un_fortunately, really), her hallucination of Sydney and Jenna at the eye doctor—dressed identically down to the indoor sunglasses, mind you—was all too real. She calls Em immediately, who shows up and kind of goes crazy on Sydney—and for good reason! Even more real? Spencer's eye chart, which read: "Can U C Me Yet? -A." I see you, A. You're just kind of blurry.

I'm still confused about the whole Sydney/Jenna twin business, but Sydney rushes to Em's later that evening to clear up the weirdness, spewing some story about volunteering at the school for the blind in Philadelphia where Jenna was years ago. She also mentioned having Jenna's back after some drama that went down with Ali. I'm at a bit of a loss for what's happening here, here to be honest, but I do know Em's not having it and threatens Syd with some serious swim sass. Uh huh, honey.

The Return of Noel Kahn

In true Liars fashion, Spencer heads out to the lake house...in the dark...by herself...to hide Noel's weird envelope of Ali stuff. And, in even truer Liars fashion, Noel is hiding under a sheet-covered chair with a hole cut out for visibility because, what, he expected one of the girls to show up and simply hiding behind a curtain was too easy? The two get into a tiff—complete with a fire poker—and Spence learns that the envelope is "insurance" (not blackmail!) in the event Ali turns on him. Also, Noel thinks the bomb that blew up the Cavanaugh's house was meant for him. My brain, guys. I think it's broken.

A New Suspect's in Town

So we all know that Noel is the real bad guy who broke into the Marin's house, but no one else does, including Lt. Tanner (who had a lot of questions about Ezra's intimate relations with Aria and his other students, by the way). Which is why I was way shocked when he gave Ashley a call to let her know they had the guy in custody and that she and Ali needed to come down and identify him. Dude is some blonde scruffy guy we've never seen before, but thanks to the last little teaser, we know that A gave him Noel's tape to memorize Ali's story when he wasn't busy scrambling letters at the eye doctor. As you do.

So who's the new guy? Anyone have any guesses? Let's chat in the comments below!