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It was a blustery weekend in Muskrat Flats. The wind was conducting a symphony as the poplars bordering the vineyard...

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Customers suck

Ok, maybe all customers don't suck, but something happens to some people when they are put into a position of dealing with someone who is behind a counter. The most common problem manifests itself in a general lack of respect toward the person taking your order. It is believed that he/she is a lowly plebe who, for reasons which are irrelevant, didn't pay attention in high school and is now stuck in a job making about 30,000 less a year than you do. In other words, mind your station, you untouchable fool and git me what I deserve. Finger snapping. whistling. "Hey You!" Crass and shameful behavior. But we have something you don't have. We have, your time to kill. We can avoid your eye contact and not honor your request to cut your sandwich on an angle like your mommy used to. And You deserve what you get. We have have information. And we have the answers to your idiotic questions causing us to wonder where your brain was in high school. Most of our customers are nice and love us, but some of the others, Yikes!

These are real instances stated by real customers.

1) "Hello?"

"Is this the meat department?"

"Yes."

"Good, I'd like to order a strawberry rhubarb pie."

2) Asked of someone who is cleaning a meat slicer with all of the deli products displayed in front of the customer. "Do You slice meat here?"

3) A customer was about to finger a pie, cooling on a rolling rack.

"Be careful ma'am, don't touch that, that pie is still hot!""Is it fresh?"

4)"Sir is that cauliflower?""No, ma'am, it is stuffed cabbage."

5) Same lady as number 4...one week later.

Pointing in the deli case...

"What's this?""That is baked haddock.""What's that?""It's fish."

6) "Is the shrimp in the seafood salad peeled?"

7) In the parking lot in front of the main doors ..."Excuse me, where is the entrance?"

8) "Is there curry in the curried chicken salad?"

9) We have a mechanical donut machine which drops batter into hot oil with a conveyor belt sending them down the line to the attendant who takes them out of the sugar hopper and bags them for sale....

"Do you make the donuts here or do you get them somewhere else?"

As the conveyor belt is dumping the donuts out of the grease onto a mound of cinnamon sugar....

"Are those donuts still warm?

"Are there apples in the apple cider donuts?....cuz I'm allergic to apples."

Muskrat Flats Characters

Coleman Blackstone - aka Coley. The illegitimate Great Grandson of Coleman Hawthorne. The sole beneficiary of an estate built upon a paternity suit filed on his behalf by his Grandmother. Although the richest man in Muskrat Flats, Coley developed a public persona of a homeless hermit. A Native of the Flats, He lives with is dog Chubby.

Gomer Eckstein - aka Gomer Shabbos, Sonny or Sonny boy. The lead singer of the hardcore klezemer band Gomer Shabbos and the Hook Nosed Satans. He is a Friend of Jimmy K's and proprietor of the First Step is a Doozy Jump School at Muskrat Flats Municipal Airport. A Muskrat Flats native, he graduated Summa Cum Loudly Amherst College Class of 1987.

Jeff Nelson - Owner operator of Wake of the Flood Plumbing. He is a member of the Odd Fellows. He is a Friend of Bill W and Jimmy K. In his spare time he blogs and is active in the many pagents and re-enactments which happen at various Festivals fairs and celebration in Muskrat Flats. He is divorced and has custody of an 11 year old daughter.

Jenny Smith - aka Sveltlana or Sveltie. She is the vintner at the Muskrat Flats Farm and Agricultural Museum. She and her staff produce award winning wines from grapes grown and harvested at the museum. She has rugged but pleasant features looking like she may very well have defected from an Eastern European Circus. She is a Muskrat Flats native and a graduate of UC Davis class of 1988. She is an accomplished hula hoop dancer.

Jeremiah Smith - aka Jerry. He is the director of the the Farm and Agricultural Museum. He came to Muskrat Flats for a couple of days on an invitation from Gomer. He fell in love with the town, and a beautiful woman, his wife, Jenny. He never left. He is a graduate of Hampshire College 1987.

Moses Eckstein - aka Moe. A pseudo beat generation writer and musician. He is Gomer's father. He is reaching the end of his road as he has been stricken with cancer. Moe is a writer whose political satire is published in a nationally syndicated column. He is the author of three books.

Samuel Coleman Hawthorne III - aka Sheriff Hawthorne. His family made their fortune in the rum business. A Beacon Hill bred and Harvard Educated lawyer. Sheriff Hawthorne was intstrumental in the incorporation of Muskrat Flats. An Odd Fellow, a prankster and jokester with a taste for Bourbon and Miss Right Now, his vision of what Muskrat Flats should be can still be felt today.

Sid Bartelby - An Odd Fellow and community organizer (as if that is a BAD thing) Last year he organized charitable events which directly benefitted the Muskrat Flats community with over $375,000 raised. He also secured federal grants to establish an art district near the Farm Museum. Sid's wife Iva helps with the daily morning coffee and muffins, which have been enjoyed by many in Muskrat Flats and envied world wide.

About Me

I am a single Dad. I am a chef by trade. I have had a long association with the Drunk Stuntmen where I functioned as a writer for their website. I play guitar, I make glass art and often submit to my bohemian artistic leanings which creates an air of solace and serenity in my life. I front a band called Glenwood Mills. We rock!!