Dear Diary – Our Week <3

Hi Everyone,

Another week has flown by and for us it’s been a week of highs and lows.

It all started really nicely and the highlight of the week was having a lovely Mummy and Son morning with Josh. Seeing as it’s still ludicrously warm for this time of year I decided to make the most of living near the seaside and took Josh to the beach. Some of you may have seen my vlog on this earlier in the week, which I hope you enjoyed. Even though I’ve only made a few vlogs so far I am really enjoying making them and I am getting increasingly keen to invest in a decent camera to make these more professional. I do like the rawness of what I’ve been doing though; life isn’t always as polished and picture perfect as some of the family vlogs out there and as much as I enjoy watching them, it can make you put pressure on yourself to make your home, appearance, life as slick and polished as what you may see elsewhere.

Anyway, as I say Josh and I had a lovely morning but we did experience a few negatives on our little trip out. One, which I did mention in the vlog was the amount of put out looks you get from people who you go past with the buggy. Even when there is lots of room for both me, the buggy and who ever happens to be getting past, you would think they might offer a smile at the, quite frankly, adorable baby in my buggy! But no you get over exaggerated huffs and puffs from people, and I’m sorry it’s often the older generation, and find yourself going “sorry” as though you are in the wrong for pushing your baby down the perfectly decent sized pavement! That wound me up a lot.

The other negative we experienced was something I didn’t mention on the vlog because I didn’t want to take away from the happiness of our morning. Josh is now 9 months and I am still breastfeeding. Obviously he now eats solids and is on three meals a day but I breast feed in the evenings and night and occasionally during the day if he seems to need it. And one of these times was when we were out on our morning. Fortunately he only needed a short feed and there are lots of benches to sit and enjoy the gorgeous sea view, and being a seasoned breastfeeder I feed very subtly with the help of the two vest trick and Josh knowing exactly what he’s doing. I am not one to draw attention to myself and would never be whipping my whole tit out in public for the world to see! So when some dippy bint strolled past with her fella and muttered something about exposing myself I wasn’t best pleased. Because believe me I wasn’t – in fact this is how I look when I breastfeed:

Hopefully you’ll agree, the only tit being exposed was the mouthy one walking past with her fella with some sort of complex he was going to be eyeing up a breastfeeding Mum. Seeing as I looked like shit that day I highly doubt that. But she wasn’t the only one to throw a disapproving and awkward look my way. It made me realise that to be honest you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t! If I hadn’t breast fed Josh at the beginning, I’d of been judged for bottle feeding, I’d of had people declaring that I wasn’t giving him the best start in life. But as you all know, I did breastfeed and have happily continued to do so. In my opinion I’ve done really well doing it for 9 months even with only one decent boob to feed off of, seeing as shit boob gave up about 6 months ago! And I do plan on doing this until he is 1 in December. Yet I’m judged for this; you see people looking at you in public and it’s clear they’re thinking “why are you still feeding him”! I get so infuriated with peoples judgements cause it seems you just can’t win either way sometimes!!

I’ve discussed this subject before so I don’t want to dwell on it too much or repeat things I’ve said before. But the point of these weekly diary posts is to give an honest, real insight into my life as a Mum and I wanted to talk about what’s happened.

About a week ago I thought my period had returned. It was very sudden, very grim and weirdly stopped as soon as it started. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, especially as I am still breastfeeding. This week the bleeding returned, with cramps and other horrible side effects. My heart told me something wasn’t quite right. But I wasn’t expecting to be told I was going through something called a chemical pregnancy. I always thought I’d know when I was pregnant again. A chemical pregnancy is called that rather than a miscarriage because it’s so early it wouldn’t even be detected on a scan. Mine was established due to my hormone levels from blood and urine tests.

We weren’t trying yet, in fact we’ve been being careful as I have in my mind when I’d like us to try again. And obviously I didn’t know I was pregnant. But it doesn’t entirely take away the pain you feel, from an emotional point of view. You get so many clichéd things said to you when you miscarry; not because people are heartless but because people just don’t now what to say, so you hear “it wasn’t meant to be, it happened for a reason, there’s a reason why your body rejected it” and so on. And yes, for the most part people are right, no matter how irritating it can be to hear this. But whether I had known I was pregnant or not, whether it was planned or not, I’ve had to spend large parts of this week alone in my bathroom saying an undignified goodbye to a part of me I didn’t even know existed until it was gone.

It may sound odd but I’ve not cried as much as I thought I would have yet. I know it’s inside me waiting to come out. I tried today to go to a friends wedding, I got dressed up and tried to enjoy the day. But after the service and one drink at the reception I could feel the tears, the emotions, building. Hence why I am now at home writing this, looking rather insane with perfectly glammed hair and make up but in my cosy pyjamas, baby boy in bed, and my stupid (but adorable) cat here for company.

I know the key now is time. I am really feeling the physical side effects too; I’m in a lot of pain and I’m shattered, and bearing in mind that I’m getting on with life as normal in terms of looking after Josh and doing night feeds. So I know I need to take it easy on myself for the next week. And that’s why I won’t be attending this years MAD Blog Awards.

When I found out I was a finalist in the category of best baby blog I nearly died of shock! When the amazing Sarah at The Unmumsy Mum messaged me wishing me luck (she won this category last year) it literally made my year!! I am realistic; I know the chances of me winning are slim! Very very slim. But you just never know. Maybe all my hard work, my honest writing, my bluntness, my realistic take on being a first time Mum, will pay off. And if it doesn’t, that doesn’t matter. To have got to the finals in a category that has so many amazing writers is such an achievement in my eyes. I am doing pretty darn well with my blog, and long may it continue!!

So I am going to try and end this weeks diary post with that positive thought. It’s been a rough week, a tough week, a testing one, one where the experience will shape me as a person. All I can say is I am just taking things a day at a time, I’m keeping my positive mindset – I refuse to let that be taken away from me, and I am SO grateful for the amazing messages I’ve received from everyone. People don’t know how incredible words can be, how powerful, meaningful, unforgettable, these words can be. I am beyond grateful.

I don’t know what next weeks Diary post will entail; but imagine if it says I am a MAD Blog Award Winner. OK, OK, I know it’s highly unlikely but just imagining it gives me such a buzz. Who knows eh – a girl can (and should) dream!

To end this on a slightly lighter note, here are some little bits and bobs that have made me smile this week:

Hubs asked me to go to Dunelm Mill to look for a rug to cover our absolute state of a lounge carpet…. instead I came back with these cute bits and bobs for my desk:

We got a little sneak preview of our family photos from our photoshoot a few weeks ago. Hubs absolutely hates staged photos so he was even more thrilled than me when this lovely picture came through; very natural, happy, and our little family

Ahhh Fi I’m sorry to hear this, whether you knew you were pregnant or not it’s always difficult to get your head around. Just take your time and be kind to yourself, snuggle that beautiful family of yours and know we are thinking of you. I have everything crossed that you will scoop the title at the MAD blog awards, you totally deserve to. Xxx

Thank you so much for your lovely comment hun – it’s lovely to know I have my blogging friends there supporting me <3 And thank you for the good luck - it's a long shot but who knows, stranger things have happened!! xx

Oh I definately understand what you mean about the pushing a pram. It clear that you are simply not allowed to push your little one around these days, I think some people just need to get a grip and be kind and mind out of the way. I’m always apologising, even though I am not in the way. Love your post and you have some good photos. #MarvMondays

What a lovely post of highs and lows and well done for being brave enough to talk about your chemical pregnancy. Even though you didn’t know and weren’t trying there still must be that feeling of loss and what-if. You have Josh as your focus though and all the idiots who give you a look for breastfeeding can just bog off! I can understand it when feeding much older children in public as that divides opinion much more, but he’s 9 months for eff’s sake!! And the pushchair, well don’t get me started!!! #marvmondays

Oh lovely, what a week you’ve been through. I cant imagine something like this is easy at any stage and whether you were trying or not, knew or not. Sending you all the love and hugs. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. Thanks for sharing a very personal post on #MarvMondays Em x #

I’m sorry you had a bad comment about breastfeeding, but even if you did have your whole breast our, so what. You are feeding your child. I think people comment because it’s easy. You are hardly going to stand up and chase them down the street, so it’s a cheap shot. I still breastfeed and my boy is 19 months tomorrow. He doesn’t feed that much during the day, but he’s taken to twidling the other nipple which is a little too much in public – lol.

Oh lovely what a week. I’m so sorry about your chemical pregnancy. I think a little bit of time out healing will do you the world of good. Good luck at the MADs lovely and wow your hair! Amazing! #thelist

I’m so sorry to hear about the pregnancy and hope you are doing ok. As for the idiots that are looking and tutting at you breastfeeding, it is the most natural thing in the world and none of their business. I fed Lucas as well as solids in the day until he was about 15 months. He’s now nearly 19 months and I feed him at night but I’ve weaned him off day feeds. Good luck at the MADs x #happydaysJenni recently posted…Happy Days #1

Oh Fi, I’m so sorry about your week – you have been so amazing to get through it and I think you have to let yourself feel however it is you feel. I have no experience of it and can’t imagine how emotional it must be for you guys. But on sunnier notes, sooooo excited for you in the MADs – I’m rooting for you lovely and hope your name will be called after all your brilliant writing this year. Lots of love xxx #KCACOLSBridie By The Sea recently posted…Nursery: The First Hurdle

I love that you can always find something to be positive about, in the midst of any chaos going on around you, and you know I’ve always adored that about your blog. Some of the phrases people say can be very clichéd around these things, but like you say, it more than likely stems from really not knowing what to say. I’m lucky that I haven’t been in the same position as you, so I have no idea what it must feel like-sending virtual hugs is the best I can do xxx What a shame you encountered that absolute donut of a person commenting on your public breastfeeding-aaargh, we really are damned if we do, damned if we don’t, aren’t we?? And I totally get the buggy thing too-I get this a lot from the elderly where I live as well. Where I live used to be the side of town where people retired to, very quiet, very suburban, and all set up for the oldies. Then it became quite a trendy place for young families to live, and the old people literally seem to hate the young parents and children. They huff when we enter coffee shops-I’ve had them ask me to leave as soon as I’ve walked into a coffee shop before, even when my children have been sleeping in the buggy! And the tutting when you pass them in the street bugs me more and more!!
I love the bits you bought for your desk, and your outfit for the wedding was stunning! Good luck with the MADS, you totally deserve to win. Also loving your new blog layout!! xx
#bigpinklinkThis Mum’s Life recently posted…The Big Pink Link Week 31

Ah I was so please to see that you were the post before me on #DreamTeam this week and I feel like I have lots to say, so apologies if I waffle!! Firstly I can’t believe the breastfeeding comments! As you say, damned if you do, famed if you don’t!! And you’ve done amazingly well to breastfeed to 9 months, so go you!! Secondly, and I’ve already said this on Insta, I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no good words to say, so I hope you’re ok and I hope that you’re getting enough rest and are physically starting to feel better. Thirdly, don’t put yourself down!! Who’s to say that you won’t win the MADS?! I for one am really hoping you do! xxx

It’s been a real rollercoaster week for you fellow Fi! I hope you are beginning to feel physically a bit better now and will get a chance to rest up. Good luck tonight in the awards! Rooting for you and your lovely blog! Thanks for making the effort to link up with us on #fortheloveofBLOG xA Mum Track Mind recently posted…Dear Diary – A Summer Holiday Round-Up

What a week! I’m so sorry to hear about your chemical pregnancy – a pregnancy ending at any stage must be so devastating. Also, sorry about the breastfeeding, I’m quite confident in public this time round but I’ve been lucky enough not to experience any negativity yet! Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. xo

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. It must be so difficult to say goodbye to something you didn’t even know you had. And I am sorry if I’m saying the wrong thing. But yay for a day at the beach with your boy! And you’re right, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. x #KCACOLS