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Choose Your Own Adventure: Getting A Toddler Out Of The House Within 2 Hours

Good morning! You’ve made it through another night. Barely. It’s choose your own adventure time! Now wipe that drool off your cheek, and pull on your go-to maternity yoga pants (Yes, that’s a thing. No, you’re not pregnant). You have plans with a friend in 2 hours, and your toddler has been wearing the same pajamas for 4 days. In preparation for your excursion you:

A) Decide to leave the pajamas for now and cook breakfast. Surely a little food in their tummy will make them more reasonable come time to change clothes.

B) Immediately attempt to strip the pajamas off during the routine first-thing-in-the-morning diaper change. Perhaps by harnessing the power of surprise, your little one won’t protest so violently you end up with a black eye and a bruised kidney.

C) Spend 45 minutes trying to reason with your toddler by explaining why it is important, from a public health standpoint, to remove the pajamas that are at this point, a Class 3 Nuclear Bioweapon.

We all know what choice this mama made. And we respect it.

Your toddler is clearly and repeatedly requesting pizza for breakfast. Knowing you don’t have any pizza, you:

A) Spend 25 minutes crafting a Pintrest-worthy faux-pizza out of an organic English muffin, local artisan strawberry jam, and perfectly sliced homegrown blueberries in hopes of passing it off as a black olive pizza.

B) Unwrap a bar and put it on a plate because it’s the only thing your toddler ever actually eats for breakfast, and at least by putting it on a plate, you are being classy.

C) Stand in your kitchen with the cabinets and refrigerator wide open, reviewing all available options with your toddler who is repeating everything you say, but adding “No!” to the beginning of it (as in, “No cereal! No oatmeal!”), then, ignoring their protests, pour tiny bowls of everything they are declining, and place them around the house like you are feeding a flock of friendly finches, in hopes they stumble upon it, and forget they didn’t want it 2 minutes earlier.

One hour has passed, and you need to leave in 30 minutes in order to make it to your friend’s house on time. You haven’t eaten anything, and your coffee is in the microwave, cold, again. Your toddler is currently attempting to ride the cat like a rodeo pony. You:

A) Heat up your coffee, snack on a piece of beef jerky, and watch the rodeo. You know the kid will never catch the cat, and if you just put on some silly music, you are basically watching a live-action blooper real. Who doesn’t love bloopers?

B) Chug your cold coffee, ignore the hunger pains, break up the ruckus, and drag your Rodeo Princess into her bedroom to finally peel off those stinky jams, before they grow legs and remove themselves, however appealing that option may seem.

C) Pop some fruits and veggies in your Nutri-Bullet, and sit your little one down for a talk about appropriate ways to treat the kitty, while still keeping it positive so they never lose their creative, adventure-loving spirit. It’s just another teachable moment, am I right?!

I have one goal in life, and it’s to meet the photoshop genius behind this picture, and convince them to make one for me.

Time is up. You’ve somehow managed to pack a go-bag, and wiped toothpaste on your teeth with your finger (because 2 minutes is about 1 minute and 55 seconds more than you currently have), right before successfully removing your toddler’s pajama bottoms. Problem is, they won’t let you put any pants back on them. You:

A) Let them go pants-less. It’s better to show up with no pants, than to not show up at all. Or at least that’s what your mama always said.

B) Swaddle your toddler’s arms in a towel like a feral cat, and wrestle them into pants. Sure they are backwards, and yes, that’s a giant yellow stain of unknown origin, but WHATEVER. They are pants.

C) Compromise by letting them wear a pair of shorts they found in the storage container under the bed. They are so small they barely cover the diaper, but they are still bigger than what the 16 year olds are passing off as shorts these days.

You are walking out the door and your toddler poops. You:

A) Play dumb. You’ll change it when you get there, and Lord knows you will NEVER get pants on that kid again.

B) Bring your little munchkin back in the house, and smile to yourself that the fruit and veggie packed smoothies you’ve been concocting are keeping them regular.

C) Cancel your plans, pull the blinds, and put on Wild Kratts. At least like this, you have one more shot at microwaving your coffee again, and drinking it hot.

Now it’s time to tally up your answers, and see where this adventure leads you! If you got mostly A’s, mostly B’s, mostly C’s, or any combination of the three, it doesn’t matter. You have a toddler, so nothing you plan on doing will ever go exactly as planned. It doesn’t matter if you planned for 6 months in advance for a fancy pirate-themed birthday, or you planned to have crackers for snack, life with a toddler is your chance to live by the seat of your pants! So sit back, relax, (and by that I mean stand up and chase your kid before they run into that puddleoooooooooooh, too late) and enjoy the show, because at least the entertainment is cheap, the laughs are easy, and every stain is a story.

Hahaaaaaaaaa! Funny post. Pooped (or wanting to poop) , perhaps even pee when you are just getting out of the door – that never ends! It always happens when you are rushing, at the most inconvenient times/places. At least it’s less messy to clean poop vs a whole lot of pee on the floor! :p