Preamble Death. Taxes. England making fools of themselves at the World Cup. These have been life's certainties over the last 15 years. And England really have gone the extra mile in the name of sporting comedy. We've had 1960s tactics in 1996 and 1980s tactics in 2007. We've had crimes against net run-rate in 1999; and fun and games with Duckworth/Lewis in 2003*. We've had the buffoon and the pedalo. We've had the panic and even the vomit.

We thought it was going to be different this time, that Andy Flower had created the first three-dimensional England cricket team, capable of competing in all forms of the game. Then old habits started to resurface: end-of-tour fatigue, witless batting against mediocre spin, a 6-1 defeat, an ostensibly mishandled injury to a star player (Eoin, where art thou?) and a panicky 11th-hour team change. Kevin Pietersen will today open the batting for the first time, in his 111th ODI.

Normally, as a result of all that, you'd think: we're doomed, it's over, England are going out in the group stages and Adrian Chiles is going to take over the entire known universe. But one of life's near-as-dammit certainties is the excellence, possibly genius, of Andy Flower, so we'll not be writing England off just yet**.

* In truth, 2003 doesn't deserve to be bracketed with 1996, 1999 and 2007; although England went out in the group stages, they played some decent cricket in very difficult circumstances.

** guardian.co.uk/sport reserves the right to rewrite this preamble, it's not like anyone will ever be able to prove it alter that view should England flirt with humiliation today before stumbling to a scruffy victory, as they frequently do against the minnows at the World Cup

Peter Borren has won the toss and the Netherlands will bat first. His accent isn't quite in Austin Powers territory; he's from Christchurch. In fact, only 11 of the 22 players in action today were born in England or the Netherlands. Eight were born in South Africa.

Team news Graeme Swann is fit and plays, with Michael Yardy dropping out. That means England will have to fiddle 10 overs from Paul Collingwood, Ravi Bopara and Jonathan Trott. Most folk seem to think England should have picked a fifth bowler, but then they said that before the Ashes as well. In Flower We Trust (Until England Stumble To A Four-Wicket Win, At Least).

What do you think of Kevin Pietersen opening? It seems obvious to me that Ian Bell should open and KP should bat at No4 to milk and mangle the spinners, but what do I know? Exactly.

Bumble and Booth breathe life into match departmentthe_topspin Lawrence Booth

Just shook hands with @Bumblecricket on a 100 rupee wager: he reckons the Dutch won't make 150. I reckon they will...

I never thought I'd type this, but I'm with Booth.

1st over: Netherlands 7-0 (Kervezee 1, Barresi 6) Jimmy Anderson bowls the first ball to the talented Alexei Kervezee, who may well be playing for England in future World Cups. He flicks a single off the pads and then Walter Barresi flicks a poor delivery to fine leg for four with the aid of a misfield on the boundary from Tim Bresnan.

"Surely Ravi is the right pick (from the options they have in the 15)," says Tim Woollias. "The way we lose this is a weak batting performance. Clearly, Ravi doesn't guarantee no collapse, but you would rather have him coming in than Yardy at 60 for five." I agree. Collingwood was a revelation with the ball in Australia, and I think that, on these pitches, it's a legitimate gamble to have him as the fifth bowler.

2nd over: Netherlands 12-0 (Kervezee 6, Barresi 6) Stuart Broad, sporting a very manly buzzcut, has been promoted to open the bowling in an ODI for the first time in 11 months. He was superb in the warm-ups, taking back-to-back five-fors I think, but his fifth delivery is on the pads and Kervezee flicks it extravagantly to fine leg for four. "I stopped watching the Australia ODIs," says Lori McConnachie. "Has Collingwood found his form?" Goodness knows. I was OBOing them, but that doesn't mean I was watching them. He bowled well, I remember that.

3rd over: Netherlands 17-0 (Kervezee 11, Barresi 6) I missed much of that over as I was sorting out some technical things, but Kervezee clunked the penultimate delivery from Anderson over mid-on for four. The slips have gone already, and early impressions are that Bumble is going to lose some rupees today.

4th over: Netherlands 17-0 (Kervezee 11, Barresi 6) Kervezee ducks under consecutive bouncers from Broad, part of a superb maiden. Broad should be the pick of England's seamers in this tournament; he takes a lot of wickets in ODI cricket and has the variety needed in these conditions. "Is the cameraman on a mission to show a close-up of every member of the 'crowd' today?" says Phil Russell. "Looks a bit sparse in there. Probably not helped by the fact that the Barmy Army will be broke by now after 3 months in Australia. I don't know whether there is an Orange Army equivalent for the Dutch. Maybe they are waiting for the knockout phase?"

5th over: Netherlands 21-0 (Kervezee 13, Barresi 8) Jimmy Anderson is replaced by Tim Bresnan. He has a half shout for LBW against Kervezee second ball, but that was surely going down. A few singles continue the Netherlands' decent start. "Nothing wrong with trying Pietersen as an opener," says Chris Wright. "What IS wrong is not having bothered to try it out until the opening match of a World Cup. If only we'd had seven recent ODIs against decent opposition to try a few things, eh?"

6th over: Netherlands 34-0 (Kervezee 14, Barresi 20) Barresi, backing away, slices a big shot at Broad just over Prior and away for four. It was pretty close to Prior but it raced off the edge. Broad's got the battle fever on, particularly when Barresi uppercuts the next ball for four more. He then makes it three boundaries from five balls, carting a square drive to the fence. Broad's on one now.

Here's Andy Bull, who has managed to drag himself away from Twitter to send an email. "Only just touched down in Delhi and I already have the a slight twinge of fear on England's behalf. It's just a natural state of mind when it comes to the cricket World Cup, isn't it? Fortunately for me, the hotel TV is showing highlights of Eng v India from the 1992 world cup on the other station, so I can always flick over and watch the Judge smearing Kapil Dev to all parts. As you say, anyone hungry for more of this kind of nonsense in the next few weeks can follow me on twitter. PS: look out for the Aussie ringer batting at No3 for the Dutch." Talking of the Judge, this is a wonderful video.

7th over: Netherlands 41-1 (Barresi 20, Cooper 1) The new batsman is Tom Cooper, who has an ODI average of 65 – albeit almost exclusively from games against the Associate countries. He touches his first ball to fine leg for four and is then rammed in the shoulder by a beautiful, straight bouncer from Bresnan. "Overall I like the look of this side much better than one with Yardy in it," says Chris Wright. "Is Yardy that much better a bowler than Collingwood in ODIs?" I'm not sure anybody really knows. But I do think England need a proper batsman at No7, so I like the balance of this side too.

8th over: Netherlands 46-1 (Barresi 24, Cooper 6) Broad follows a couple of slower balls with a brutal bouncer that Cooper fends desperately to leg. He has bowled really well to Kervezee and Cooper, but Barresi is slapping him everywhere and edges four more to third man. Broad has bowled six balls to Barresi, and four of them have gone for four. "Have you seen this?" says Andy Bradshaw. Oh my word, that looks like a very special video. For a second, as I looked out of the corner of the eye, I thought it was Victor Kiam teaching cricket.

9th over: Netherlands 47-1 (Barresi 24, Cooper 7) A decent over from Bresnan costs just a single. "Re: the Walsh/Bishop assault on the Judge," says Sam Blackledge. "They don't make 'em like that anymore." In 1993, he described that spell as the favourite passage of his career. I think they broke his jaw and his finger. What a man. Tony Soprano would have liked Robin Smith.

10th over: Netherlands 47-1 (Barresi 24, Cooper 7) Broad continues. England are now using their best batsman and their best bowler in the first 10 overs of each innings – but both Pietersen and Broad have been ripped from their natural position. They may be guilty of compromising a strength to cover a potential weakness. Broad bowls another excellent maiden to Cooper. So he's gone for 16 from 6 balls against Barresi and 7 from 24 against the rest. Insert your own Ilford 2nd XI joke here. "Zimbabwe, Canada and Kenya have all been polished off easily so far," says Daniel Seppings. "England come along and make the Netherlands look like they're playing a unique brand of Total Cricket. I'm already gripped by the fear." England usually make hard work of the minnows. They even did it against Ireland at the World Twenty20 before thrashing all the big boys. I like to think of it as an affectation rather than an indication of incompetence. I like to think a lot of things.

11th over: Netherlands 57-1 (Barresi 29, Cooper 12) Barresi, driving, edges Bresnan to third man for four. A helluva lot of runs have gone to third man and fine leg; that's the Netherlands' V at the moment, and Cooper gets four more in that area with a whirling pull round the corner when Bresnan drops short. It looks like dinner will be on Booth tonight. "I think your footnote might be the first time in years I've read some sympathy for the 2003 side," says Lee Rodwell. "Even at the time I remember them being largely derided as failures when, if it wasn't for the forfeited Zimbabwe match, they surely would have made the semi-finals (Kenya of all nations effectively took their place). That's without taking into account the pressure on Nasser Hussain in particular who was being forced into making a political decision that the ECB and UK government were sprinting away from. Sure, they choked against the Australians when they had qualification in their grasp, but they weren't the first, last or best team of that era to do that." And they were the only team who got in a position to choke against Australia in that tournament. I wouldn't really call it a choke anyway. They were Bevaned; no shame in that.

WICKET! Netherlands 58-2 (Barresi st Prior b Swann 29) Eleven years after his ODI debut, Graeme Swann strikes with his fourth ball in a World Cup. It was a beautiful arm ball that drew Barresi forward defensively, and when his back foot slid out of the crease Matt Prior had the bails off in a flash. It was pretty tight but just out: Barresi's foot was on rather than behind the line when the bails were dislodged. "Lazy batting" says Nasser Hussain in the commentary box, but it was also a lovely piece of bowling.

12th over: Netherlands 58-2 (Cooper 13, ten Doeschate 0) That's the 977th time Swann has taken a wicket in his first over. He had a muted Ashes series – he took one for the team, really – but he should be a joy to watch in this World Cup. The new batsman is Ryan ten Doeschate, whose ODI average is 68. Somebody, as Bull pointed out the other day, is going to get ten Doeschated in this World Cup; there's no reason why it can't be England today. "Given extensive experience on iPhone Stick Cricket," begins James Morgan, "I can confirm that Yardy is the worst bowler in the world." And Prosper Utseya is the best, or at least he was in 2005.

13th over: Netherlands 59-2 (Cooper 14, ten Doeschate 0) Paul Collingwood replaces Tim Bresnan. He actually has a terrible ODI record with the ball in Asia – 12 wickets at 61, economy rate of 5.33 – but you would expect him to bowl well on these sluggish pitches and his first over costs just one. "Has anyone noticed that Andy Flower doesn't exactly have a good record against the Dutch?" says Richard O'Hagan. "When England lost to them in 2009, he singularly failed to utter the words 'Do I not like that?' and forgot to complain to the third umpire that 'Your mate just cost me my job'. Has the man no understanding of English sporting traditions?" And the England fans didn't punch everything that moved either. What sort of patriotism is this?

14th over: Netherlands 60-2 (Cooper 16, ten Doeschate 0) Swann continues to flight the ball challengingly, almost goading the batsmen, jabbing them in the chest and saying, 'Come on then, hit this down the ground'. For now they decline, with just a single from the over. "I have noted that four players from each side today were born in South Africa," says Rocket. "Is this a record for a match not involving South Africa?" Not sure, just let me run through every single cricket match ever. But yep, we mentioned this earlier: eight of today's players were born in SA, seven in England, four in Holland and three, er, somewhere else.

15th over: Netherlands 65-2 (Cooper 16, ten Doeschate 4) ten Doeschate gets off the mark from his 12th ball, walking across and tickling Collingwood right off middle stump for four. Had he missed that he would have been stone dead. "No disrespect to the 'minnows'," begins Phil Withall, and you know where this email is going, "but surely having the likes of Holland, Kenya and Zimbabwe in this thing is like putting a Scottish team in the Champions League. Entertaining but pointless. Still worth staying up on a humid Brisbane night for, just about." I don't think their presence is pointless; far from it. I just think the schedule is wrong.

16th over: Netherlands 70-2 (Cooper 19, ten Doeschate 6) That's better from the Netherlands, with Cooper and ten Doeschate milking Swann for five singles. "With the boring middle overs having started very early, here is a World Cup memory. IVA Richards' other 180-plus score in an ODI. The straight sixes he hits in this are extraordinary. IVA should have got the first ever double hundred in an ODI in this game. Sri Lanka may still have been a minnow in 87 but still an incredible innings." Ah, Viv. Just look at this walk to the wicket. Guns n Roses never sounded so good.

18th over: Netherlands 82-2 (Cooper 25, ten Doeschate 12) We're into the Boring Middle Overs. If you have to get any work done today, now's probably the time. Two singles from Swann's over; he has typically splendid figures of 4-0-10-1. "God I sounded like a stuck up prick," says Phil Withall. "So sorry about that. It is the farce of a schedule NOT the teams I was trying to draw attention to. I shall hide away until Norwich play Doncaster in the morning. Sorry ... " No apologies necessary.

19th over: Netherlands 88-2 (Cooper 27, ten Doeschate 16) Jimmy Anderson is back on, presumably to see if the scuffed-up ball will reverse (England have been throwing the ball into the ground at every opportunity). The camera cuts to a member of the Barmy Army, who immediately stands up and starts clapping upon realising he's on TV. Why do folk do that? I would cover my face, or at least point into the distance and shout OVER THERE in the hope the camera would go away. Bell thuds a return into the dirt and it bounces over Prior's head for an overthrow. Six from the over, all in ones and twos. I am going to type that last sentence a lot over these next six weeks. These games are more formulaic than a married couple's sex life. "What formation are the Netherlands playing?" asks Alex Netherton. Total cricket.

20th over: Netherlands 90-2 (Cooper 28, ten Doeschate 17) Two singles from the over. I'll be typing that last sentence, etc, etc. The Viv Richards link in the 16th over should be fixed now.

21st over: Netherlands 94-2 (Cooper 30, ten Doeschate 19) Four singles from Anderson's over. What else is there to say? "Is it too late to big up Wes Barresi's DJing?" says Mark Reeves. "He D.J.'s under the name Richard Stylex, his music podcasts are definitely worth a Google. He has quite eclectic musical tastes as befits an Italian who was raised in Cape Town and lives in Amsterdam." The Joy of Six: cricketer/DJs. Michael Carberry once said he DJs for Kanye West. I still don't know whether this was a wind-up or not. Great story, that.

22nd over: Netherlands 96-2 (Cooper 31, ten Doeschate 20) This is masterful stuff from Swann, who is bowling as much with wickets in mind as economy. Figures of 6-0-14-1 represent the best of both worlds. "So both teams have a lot of Saffers in their sides," says Ken Danbury. "They can't both choke though, can they?" Two runs needed for victory off the final ball, and the last man is stumped off a wide?

23rd over: Netherlands 101-2 (Cooper 34, ten Doeschate 22) These two are milking Anderson with very little risk. He has, as Sean Ingle points out, a shocking record in ODIs in India; mind you, six months ago he had a shocking record in Tests in Australia. He looks just a touch flat today, though. In other news, this is such a disgraceful joke from Andrew Thomas that I can't not publish it. "Did you hear about the Dutch vet who was called out by an idiot to fix his television? He was asked to 'tend 'er SCART, uh?'" Out. Get out. I'll open the door for you.

24th over: Netherlands 109-2 (Cooper 41, ten Doeschate 23) This is an interesting move: Kevin Pietersen is coming on to bowl. The second ball is short and cut for four by Cooper. I don't mind leaving Yardy out, but England are in dangerous territory if they want to rely on Pietersen, as he is far too expensive. Maybe Yardy could come in for Anderson in some games? But then you have Collingwood or Swann first change.

25th over: Netherlands 119-2 (Cooper 42, ten Doeschate 32) Collingwood replaces Anderson, and ten Doeschate lifts his first ball high over midwicket for a one-bouncer four. This guy is a dangerous customer, and there is a lot more to him than brute force, as he shows by steering the fourth ball gracefully wide of Bell at short third man and away for four. That was a delightful stroke. "Am I the only person with a irrepressible urge to shout RYAN TEN DOESCHATE to the tune of Firestarter by The Prodigy?" says Tom Hooper, possibly knowing the answer deep down. "Seeing as they're from Braintree and he plays for Essex it makes perfect sense when you think abo-MAKE ME STOP PLEASE!"

26th over: Netherlands 130-2 (Cooper 44, ten Doeschate 41) ten Doeschate smashes a disgusting full toss from Pietersen over midwicket for the first six of the match, and then slices a cut past short third man for three. Pietersen doesn't bowl a lot in ODIs, and you can see why, as the risk is just too great. He calls Yuvraj Singh a pie-chucker but these aren't even pies. They're not even cupcakes. I don't know what they are, but I wouldn't put them in my mouth. "I think the theory of KP opening (rather than Bell) may be that KP might rise to the challenge of taking on Lee or Steyn, but when faced with Yuvraj he tends to lose concentration?" says Indy Neogy. "Not sure it matters though, so far England aren't bowling well compared with other games against minnows..." Yeah, there's something in that. After all, he marmalised Steyn at the World T20. But then 20-over cricket allows you to bat with a liberty that 50-over cricket does not. And you'd have to fear England getting bogged down in the middle overs if he is not still at the crease.

27th over: Netherlands 132-2 (Cooper 45, ten Doeschate 42) This partnership – between two men who have ODI averages in the 60s, lest we forget – has moved into the 70s, but that was a decent over from Collingwood. Just two from it. "I like to think my English is pretty good and I get puns, but I totally do not get the one about the Dutch vet in the 23rd over," says Henk van Maanen. "I've read it all ways possible; nothing. Can you explain?" Crikey. ow long have you got? Do you know what a scart lead is?

28th over: Netherlands 136-2 (Cooper 47, ten Doeschate 43) Tim Bresnan replaces Kevin Pietersen, presumably with one eye on reverse swing. There's no sign of that, but he does have Cooper dropped by Pietersen. He swatted Bresnan to fine leg, where Pietersen just failed to hang on to a diving one-handed chance almost at ground level as the ball died on him It would have been a stunning catch, not dissimilar to that James Kirtley effort to dismiss Sourav Ganguly at Lord's in 2002, so no real blame is attached to Pietersen. Plenty of blame should be attached to Tom Hooper (28th over), however, for inadvertently starting the saddest riff ever. Normally when folk detail their inadequacies on the OBO, I smile knowingly and think 'No way am I sharing my own version of that particular form of tragic behaviour'. But this time I can safely say I have never stooped so low. "I don't know about the Ryan ten Doeschate song," says Mike McCarthy, "but whenever I click on the blue line on the bottom of the screen I want to sing 'Sharif don't like it…LOCK THE TASKBAR. LOCK THE TASKBAR'." Ladies, form an orderly one.

29th over: Netherlands 137-3 (ten Doeschate 43, Zuiderent 1) The new batsman is Bas Zuiderent, who played against England at the World Cup in 1996. Look at some of the names on that teamsheet. "Someone I know once met Anderson, and asked if he preferred being called Jimmy or James," says Daniel Harris. "After about ten minutes of trying to get a word out, he said he wasn't sure – he actually doesn't even know what his own name is." Shyness is nice/and shyness can stop you/from knowing your own name.

30th over: Netherlands 142-3 (ten Doeschate 45, Zuiderent 1) Bresnan continues. A Sky graphic shows that not a single delivery of his so far would have hit the stumps. That approach never did Glenn McGrath much harm. And indeed McGrath got many LBWs despite that – remember Nasser Hussain at Edgbaston in 2001 – and Bresnan has a big LBW appeal against ten Doeschate from the last ball. It reverse swung nicely and hit the pad a fraction before the bat, but ten Doeschate was outside the line. And Hawkeye shows it was missing off stump. "Whenever I see the drink Disaronno," begins William Hardy, "I sing it to the tune of 'Shoot the Runner' by Kasabian. It even annoys me so goodness knows how everyone else feels about it." We're elated.

31st over: Netherlands 147-3 (ten Doeschate 50, Zuiderent 1) Oh what a farce. ten Doeschate slogs the returning Swann miles in the air, back over the bowler's head, and Anderson and Pietersen – running round from mid off and mid on – both leave it to each other. The ball plops gently into the ground, and Swann gives them both a seriously evil look. There's no bromance with Jimmy right now! That was a shocking cock up, very unlike this England side. Two balls later, ten Doeschate gets to an excellent 50, from 59 balls. He is a dangerous man to reprieve. "Remember Andre van Troost?" says Sam Blackledge. "Was that his name? What a dude." Fantastic. Bobby Beamer, sending them down at 90mph-plus. The maverick's maverick.

32nd over: Netherlands 148-3 (ten Doeschate 51, Zuiderent 1) Bresnan cuts Zuiderent in half with a lovely delivery and goes up for a catch down the leg side. It's turned down, so England go for the review. There was certainly a noise, but replays show it hit only the pad so Zuiderent survives. Still, a fine over from Bresnan – just one from it. think Mike McCarthy must have been a regular listener to Adam and Joe's radio show, as that featured prominently in their feature about changing lyrics in songs to fit what you are doing," says Tom Stobbs. "My other favourite from that is singing Holloway Road to the tune of Holiday Road by Lindsey Buckingham from the first two National Lampoon's films. And 'Halal, is it meat you're looking for?' to the tune of Hello by Lionel Richie."

WICKET! Netherlands 149-4 (Zuiderent c Collingwood b Swann 1) Zuiderent v Swann is a complete mismatch. After failing to get a few off the square, Zuiderent jumps across his crease and lobs feebly to some bloke with a beard at short midwicket.

33rd over: Netherlands 149-4 (ten Doeschate 52, de Grooth 0) Swann had been majestic today. He has 8-0-20-2, and really it should be 8-0-18-3. "I can't believe Collingwood's beard has gone unnoticed," says Shankar Kalyanaraman. "He reminds me of Alec Guinness in one of his many incarnations from Kind Hearts and Coronets." Poor old Colly, forever doing his work in the shadows. He could go out there in hot pants and a string vest and people would still barely notice him.

34th over: Netherlands 152-4 (ten Doeschate 55, de Grooth 0) Another tight over from Bresnan, who has been good today, costs three. "Really like the list of articles on van Troost's Cricinfo page," says Matt Emerson.

35th over: Netherlands 162-4 (ten Doeschate 62, de Grooth 3) Another delicious slider from Swann beats ten Doeschate on the outside, bringing an unsuccessful stumping appeal. As Mike Atherton always says, the joy of Swann is that he can beat the edge on both sides. He is a master, a pleasure to watch when he is bowling like this. de Grooth premeditates a lap sweep for three to get off the mark, and then ten Doeschate plays a wonderful stroke, dancing down the wicket to lift Swann over midwicket for six. What a beautiful shot! "I would like to congratulate England on taking such a principled stand on keeping the Associates in the World Cup…….." says Andrew Gladwin before his finger jammed on the dot button.

36th over: Netherlands 166-4 (ten Doeschate 63, de Grooth 6) Here comes England's enforcer, Stuart Broad. He drives de Grooth onto the back foot with some straight short stuff, and there are four from the over. Netherlands should get around 250, but that won't worry England. Yet. "Re the Booth-Bumble wager, I've just looked up how much 100 rupees is worth," says Mac Millings. "I'll bet Booth 50p he's too insecure about his opinions to bet a decent amount of money to back them up." Millings, I bet you £7,500,000,000,000,000 you will embarrass yourself socially today.

37th over: Netherlands 171-4 (ten Doeschate 64, de Grooth 10) Clever stuff from de Grooth, who reverse laps Swann for four. Swann ends with figures of 10-0-35-2. He was superb. Meanwhile, here's an appeal from Emma John, occasionally of this parish. "Do you know any good confessional blogs by guys?" she writes, carefully using the word 'good' and thus ruling out the OBO. "Could be a sex blog, could be about addiction, could be about anything personal – could be just something where someone shares the everyday story of their life, but it needs to be male, it needs to be current and needs to be British..." If you know of any, send the link in and I'll forward them on.

38th over: Netherlands 179-4 (ten Doeschate 65, de Grooth 17) de Grooth gloves an attempted hook short of Prior. Broad is England's short, short man in ODI cricket, especially in the later overs, and de Grooth pulls first two and then lap-pulls a boundary. When does a pull become a hook? It's one of life's big questions. Shoulder height? Nose height? "I don't think it's a huge problem that Pietersen is opening for the first time in an ODI today," says Mac Millings. "The group stage of a World Cup should be a relatively safe place to get his eye in; plus, if they'd had him open in Australia, and he'd failed on entirely different pitches than he'll be seeing here, the pressure would have been on (perhaps from KP himself) to drop him back down the order, and what would have been achieved then? Without Eoin, England have to do something to give themselves an edge. And if they fail to win the thing? Business as usual. Hold on, I've tried to make a reasoned point about the cricket. I don't feel so good."

39th over: Netherlands 186-4 (ten Doeschate 65, de Grooth 23) Paul Collingwood (6-0-28-1) is back. He needs to bowl at least two more overs to complete the fifth-bowler quota. de Grooth, meanwhile, is playing a busy, mischievous and flexiwristed cameo, and he premeditates a Dilscoop over short fine leg for four. He has 23 from 20 balls. "For ten Doeschate songs, I've now moved from the Firestarter option to the first line of Blur's Tender (they're from Essex too so that makes it OK)," says Louise Wright. "Not sure it's an improvement, but it's a change at least and I might be able to turn it into a whole song rather than just muttering 'ten Doeschate' a lot. Which might please my officemates."

40th over: Netherlands 188-4 (ten Doeschate 67, de Grooth 24) Jimmy Anderson, whose last ODI wicket in India came five years ago. He thought the drought had ended when Prior, standing up to the stumps, appealed for a catch down the leg side to dismiss ten Doeschate, but replays showed it flicked only the pad. He then has an LBW appeal turned down. It was just shaving leg, so had England reviewed it the original decision would have stood. Two from the over. "I think Emma may have misjudged the make-up of the OBO readership," begins Tom Adam, "if she thinks anyone on here is authoring a hot confessional sex blog." Arf. Thanks for all/both the links by the way. Keep sending them over and I'll forward on between innings and then after the match.

41st over: Netherlands 199-4 (ten Doeschate 77, de Grooth 25) England are being ten Doeschated. He drags Collingwood's second ball mightily over midwicket for his third six, a wonderful stroke. A few ones and twos – including a mix up between Bell and Broad that reflects an unusually sloppy performance – make it 11 from the over. Here's Alex Coe. "Technically, a pull becomes a hook when (a) you try the line about 'Come Dine With Me Down Under' and she belts you or (b) she tells you her rates. Apparently."

42nd over: Netherlands 209-4 (ten Doeschate 84, de Grooth 28) I'm still a bit confuddled at the sight of Prior standing up to Anderson. Has this happened before? Anyway, ten Doeschate thumps a blistering pull stroke for four. This has been such a classy innings: perfectly paced (84 from 91) and with a lovely mix of the deft and the brutal. "One of life's complex questions it may be Rob, but also one with a straightforward answer," says Nagarjun K. "A pull becomes a hook if, at the point of impact with the bat, the ball is above the batsman's eyeline." What if he can do that freaky little trick with the eyes and life one above the other? Oh never mind.

WICKET! Netherlands 213-5 (de Grooth b Broad 28) The Netherlands have taken the batting Powerplay; England counter by bringing their Powerplay expert, Stuart Broad, back into the attack. There's a long delay while the sightscreen is adjusted. It was stuck on an advert for Wethers Original or some such. When play finally resumes – if you've just woken up, we're now in March 2013 and Adrian Chiles is the prime minister – Broad strikes with the first ball, an immaculate yorker that bangs into middle stump as de Grooth makes room. Brilliant bowling.

43rd over: Netherlands 214-5 (ten Doeschate 87, Borren 1) That was a very accomplished over from Broad, full of changes of pace and length and line and scowl. The boy who went for six sixes has matured into an extremely good death bowler. "Is it just me," says Brough Cooper, "or can I hear the crowd singing Madonna's 'Get into De Grooth'?"

44th over: Netherlands 225-5 (ten Doeschate 96, Borren 3) This is just stunning batting from ten Doeschate. He pulls Bresnan's slower bouncer round the corner for four to move into the nineties and then screams the next ball through mid-off for four more. Eleven from the over, and ten Doeschate has 96 from 96 balls. "Your comment about Bresnan made me think," says Tom Baird. "Hawkeye has done most bowlers a favour by making LBW decisions more likely. In the light of that is it necessarily a good thing for young bowlers to try to emulate Glenn McGrath's style? Broad and Finn spring to mind - they are often exhorted to bowl like him by commentators. I'm not suggesting McGrath was anything but great, just that the style he used might not worked so well now." That's interesting. We talk a lot about Hawkeye giving spinners more LBWs, but nobody has really mentioned how it has helped seamers, if it has at all. If anything, I'd say Hawkeye often shows that fast bowlers' deliveries are bouncing over when it looked a good LBW shout live. But that's just a first thought, and we know all about the value of those.

45th over: Netherlands 239-5 (ten Doeschate 108, Borren 4) Ryan ten Doeschate reaches his century with a five! He was on 98 when he turned Broad to short fine leg, and the throw ricocheted off the stumps before flying to the boundary. He has faced 98 balls, hitting seven fours and three sixes; it's been an awesome innings, worthy of any batsman in the world. A punishing over continues when he smashes a pull for four. "Man he's powerful!" says Mike Atherton on commentary. Fourteen from the over. It's not squeaky-bum time yet, but England are – as they usually do against the minnows in the World Cup – at least flirting with humiliation.

46th over: Netherlands 253-5 (ten Doeschate 117, Borren 8) An expensive and eventful over starts when Anderson is no-balled for a high full-toss to ten Doeschate. England have been sloppy today. He then has an LBW shout when a yorker hits Borren on the toe before going onto the bat. England go for the review. It looked outside the line. In fact, it came flush off the bat. Oh dear. "Terrible waste of a review," says Beefy. A shocking over continues when Anderson spears another high full toss down the leg side for four no-balls. As it's his second of the over he should be taken out of the attack, unless the rules have changed. Nobody is sure in the commentary box.

47th over: Netherlands 259-5 (ten Doeschate 119, Borren 12) Borren is dropped by Trott at short fine leg. He played a premeditated sweep at Bresnan and Trott, diving goalkeeper-style to his left, couldn't hang on. It was a very difficult chance. More importantly for England, that was a boundaryless over from Bresnan - just six from it. "Here's my typically-gloomy-England-fan prediction: ten Doeschate will take this game away from us," says Ravi Nair. "He will subsequently be out in single figures in all the remaining games so we won't even be able to say that the Dutch team was actually really really good. We will get knocked out in the group stage. I'm sorry but this bowling performance, perhaps Swann apart, just seems to be dire." Ssssh. Stiff upper lip man!

48th over: Netherlands 274-5 (ten Doeschate 119, Borren 25) ten Doeschate is struggling with either cramp or a calf injury, but the runs continue to flow as Borren hits Anderson for three consecutive boundaries: a steer wide of short third man, a slap over short third man and a disdainful swipe back over the bowler's head. Fifteen from the over, and 60 from the last five overs. Madon. "Flirting with humiliation?" sniffs Philip Lamb. "They've moved in with us and bought a dog." A little chow?

WICKET! Netherlands 274-6 (ten Doeschate c Bopara b Broad 119) Ryan ten Doeschate's marvellous innings comes to an end when he cuffs a slower ball from Broad high to deep square leg. That was a glorious performance, 119 from 110 balls with nine fours and three sixes. Let's hope he's suffering from cramp rather than a calf injury

49th over: Netherlands 286-6 (Borren 32, Bukhari 3) You may not have thought this possible, but England's performance just got even more shambolic. Broad cleaned Borren up with an excellent yorker; Borren walked off but then, having reached the boundary edge, was told to turn back when one of the umpires pointed out that they were only three fielders inside the circle. Broad hoofed the turf in disgust. "Schoolboy mistakes" fumes Beefy in the Sky box. It was Collingwood of all people, who didn't run into the circle on time. That's diabolical. England are having a shocker.

50th over: Netherlands 292-6 (Borren 35, Bukhari 6) This is now one of the great World Cup fiascos. Borren top-edges a swipe to third man, where Swann spills the most routine of chances. He barely got hands on it! Anderson runs in for the next ball, but then has to stop because – again – there aren't four men in the circle. They haven't got a clue what's going on. I'd be surprised if half of them even know their own names right now. The Netherlands end with 292 for six, an outstanding effort, and England need 293 to win. See you in half an hour. "Forget arguing if we should have picked four bowlers or five," says Simon L. "One would have been nice."

INNINGS BREAK You've got to laugh.

The good news is that the Netherlands didn't reach 300. The bad news is that next up England face India, who may reach 3000.

1st over: England 12-0 (target 293; Strauss 12, Pietersen 0) Mudhassar Bukhari, who looks a little like Rob Key actually, will open the bowling. It's a lively opening over. The first and fourth deliveries beat Strauss, while the second, third and sixth go to the boundary: two tucked off the pads, the other inside-edged wide of the keeper. "There is no way that England win 80% of the time here," says Andrew, and he's right: they win 90 per cent of the time. But it's the 10 per cent that I'm really interested in. Come on the Oranje!

2nd over: England 17-0 (target 293; Strauss 12, Pietersen 5) The debutant Berend Westdijk starts with a swinging half-volley that Pietersen creams through extra cover for four. He misses a preposterous waft at the third delivery and then scrunches a Red Bull single to mid off from the final delivery. "Holland's best bowler Mark Jonkman is currently banned for a suspect action, I spoke to Pete Borren a couple of days ago and he said that it's unlikely he would be able to bowl today due to a side strain, and Ryan ten Doeschate appears to have done his calf," says Mark Reeves. "So that's Oranje's three best bowlers out of commission; despite everything England should still won comfortably." And Dirk Nannes is Australian again.

3rd over: England 22-0 (target 293; Strauss 13, Pietersen 9) The pitch is still a belter, so provided England don't suffer another attack of being England at a World Cup, they should win comfortably. Should. They have started assertively against some errant bowling, and Pietersen flicks Bukhari off the pads for two in an over that brings five. "Such is the generous nature of the format in this tournament," begins Ian Copestake, "that two defeats are almost a guarantee that you are through to the next round, and essentially won the tournament three weeks ago."

4th over: England 32-0 (target 293; Strauss 13, Pietersen 19) I wonder if they are showing this game in De Hems, the Dutch bar in Soho. For the football World Cup final the place was already full a few hours before kick off, and this is a slightly bigger game than that. As on that July night, the Dutch are facing defeat: Pietersen whips Westdijk contemptuously through midwicket for four and then clatters another boundary more through the covers. He's playing very nicely. "According to Cricinfo, Alexei Kervezee is aspiring to play for England," notes Scott Collier. "After today's performance, I wonder whether it is time that promising young English batsmen started aspiring to play for the Netherlands."

5th over: England 34-0 (target 293; Strauss 14, Pietersen 20) "Thank you to the OBO faithful," says Emma John. "I especially like the suggestion that I google 'Rentboy Diaries'; I can only hope that in this liberal workplace my computer will not immediately alert security and have me disciplined."

6th over: England 38-0 (target 293; Strauss 14, Pietersen 24) Westdijk digs in a pitiful short ball and Pietersen mauls it over midwicket for four off the front foot. He is playing with lordly disdain; it's thrilling to watch. "I love a massive over-reaction to a bit of dross as much as the next man, but perhaps we're getting a bit carried away with England bowling like a Cornwall Third side," says Mike McCarthy. "They'll probably make this run chase. As has been pointed out, they played awfully against Ireland in the World T20 last year and won it. Spain lost against Switzerland. If anything, you should start out playing rubbish. Sucks everyone into a false sense of security."

7th over: England 44-0 (target 293; Strauss 19, Pietersen 25) Bukhari ruins an otherwise decent over with a lamentable last delivery, short and pulled for four by Strauss. England are cruising. "I'm struggling to be interested in the World Cup," says Stephen Hathaway. "The ODIs in Oz have drained my interest in the format. The prospect of being interested for six weeks just isn't appealing... How would you change this laborious behemoth into a nubile sprite of a tournament?" I'd shoot it dead, with a gun, and just have twice-yearly T20 World Cups.

8th over: England 48-0 (target 293; Strauss 19, Pietersen 29) Poor Berend Westdijk. Being fed to Kevin Pietersen is bad enough at the best of times, never mind on debut. Pietersen scorches a straight drive for four more, and Westdijk walks sadly back to his mark, his face betraying embarrassment and impotence. He recovers well, however, with four consecutive dot balls. "What Emma needs to do is notify your Internet Security people beforehand that she's going to use some dubious websites for work purposes," says John Starbuck. "She might have to have a few access restrictions removed for a pre-defined time, but as long as it's all known, there should be no problem. This is standard practice in well-run organisations." And there we have our problem.

9th over: England 52-0 (target 293; Strauss 22, Pietersen 30) The medium-pacer Bernard Loots replaces Mudassar Bhukari. A quiet over costs just a couple. "My only issue with Mike McCarthy's point about false senses of security is that England have been luring the opposition into them pretty much since the first ball in 1975," says Ant Pease. "At what point does it become an actual sense of security?"

10th over: England 53-0 (target 293; Strauss 22, Pietersen 31) Excellent stuff from Westdijk, who makes it eight consecutive dot balls to Pietersen before conceding a single off the last delivery. So Pietersen continues to monopolise the strike: he has 31 from 43 balls, Strauss 22 from 17. "There's been much debate on the moving of KP up to opening, but I think a situation like this is custom-made for him," says Guy Hornsby. "He's playing against an attack that's of a lesser standard than (even) ours, he's under pressure to dominate, as we have a big total to chase, and he'll be wanting to put his marker down to show everyone he's still the big man of 2005, though hopefully without the same taste in haircuts. I fancy him to get a big score. So, that should see him out trying a reverse switch-hit in the next over." Of course this situation is made for him. Sadly, this situation bears absolutely no resemblance to those that will decide how far England progress in this tournament. So, whether he makes 174 not out or slogs the next ball up in the air, we should reserve judgement.

11th over: England 63-0 (target 293; Strauss 29, Pietersen 33) Strauss survives a run-out referral after almost running into Pietersen in the process of taking two to deep backward square. He knew he was home. The next ball from Loots is short, wide and cut through the covers for an emphatic boundary. Strauss looks in great touch and has 29 from 21 balls. "KP 31 not out and looking good?" says Jonathan Martin. "He should open for the Test team. that other chap hasn't done anything for weeks…"

13th over: England 83-0 (target 293; Strauss 42, Pietersen 35) Loots' third over is a pitiful affair that costs 11. The first ball swings down the leg side for five wides; the fifth legitimate delivery is a leg-stump half-volley that Strauss pings to fine leg for four. He now has 42 from 26 balls; Pietersen has 35 from 52.

14th over: England 85-0 (target 293; Strauss 43, Pietersen 36) This should liven the game up one way or another: the Netherlands are bringing on their left-armer spinner Pieter Seelaar. Pietersen walks down the track to the first delivery he faces and misses a whip to leg, with the ball deflecting off the pad. "Being a frivolous outsider," begins Rene Kita promisingly, "I pick players at semi-random to follow. So far, Ravi Bopara has proved a marvellous target for excess paranoia disposal. Just look at his List A bowling stats for 2010: 36 wickets at 19.38, but he gets just 8 overs in 6 games for Essex (2 for 31) and 10 overs in 4 ODIs (4 for 38). I know this is just my ignorance at play, but why doesn't he get to chuck more of his pies? They seem to work well enough." He's quite a handy bowler, but no more than that. I suppose his would be the next pies off the plate after Collingwood's, fractionally ahead of Trott's.

15th over: England 92-0 (target 293; Strauss 49, Pietersen 37) Ryan ten Doeschate has come on to bowl. He's still struggling with his leg, which is a big risk because he could put himself out of the tournament. A decent over is tarnished when Strauss plays a storming pull stroke for four off the last delivery. "The point about achieving an actual sense of security," says Ian Copestake, "is that it confirms that you have become an Australian." Tell that to Des Clarke.

16th over: England 99-0 (target 293; Strauss 51, Pietersen 39) Strauss works Seelaar to leg to bring up a brilliant half-century, from 34 balls and with nine fours. That's an admirable rate of scoring against any opposition. Seelaar has a huge shout for LBW against Pietersen, who was hit almost on the half volley, but he was miles down the pitch so there was no way Asad Rauf could give that with a clear conscience. Hawkeye showed it was just clipping leg so, even if Holland had reviewed it, the original decision would have stood. "What are the odds on England not doing the sensible thing," says Richard O'Hagan, "and taking the batting powerplay whilst these two are well set?" See Ian Copestake's emails.

17th over: England 100-0 (target 293; Strauss 52, Pietersen 39) ten Doeschate winces through a tight over to Strauss, the last ball of which brings up a cool century partnership from 102 balls. "I would have thought Ravi's pies would be sooner in line than KP's, which even Greggs rejected," says Eamonn Maloney. "But he got a roll today....ROLL! Ha!" Unsubscribe.

18th over: England 105-1 (target 293; Strauss 57, Trott 0) Sean Ingle is going to take over for a little while; you can email him on sean.ingle@guardian.co.uk

19th over: England 105-1 (target 293; Strauss 59, Trott 1) So after a start as comfortable as Homer Simpson's favourite easy chair, England have to build again. Meanwhile Lawrence Aggleton writes: "For all the (alleged) pointlessness of the Dutch (Irish/Bangladeshis/Kiwis/English/delete as appropriate) in this competition, it's still more relevant than some of the teams that play in the Rugby World Cup. In the last one, New Zealand beat Portugal 108-13, Australia beat Japan 91-3 and France beat Namibia 87-10. The mismatches are all the worse there because of the genuine danger involved in contact between professional rugby players and amateurs. While the structure of the Cricket World Cup might need fixing, certainly the 'minnows' have relevance being there." Anyone else?

20th over: England 112-1 (target 293; Strauss 61, Trott 3) Another decent over by Netherland's slow left armer Pieter Seelaar, who has touch of the Lionel Messi's about him looks-wise - although he isn't yet doing outrageous tricks with the ball. Four off the over and England are slightly behind the run-rate - although the bookies have them as 1-10 favourites...

21th over: England 117-1 (target 293; Strauss 66, Trott 3) Strauss continues to steadily accumulate, with five coming from Ten Doeschate's fourth over (4-0-16-1). "The 'minnows' absolutely have every right to be there," says Sam Blackledge. "Sri Lanka were minnows once. How are they going to learn if you don't let them play? Ps I am currently on deadline trying to write a newspaper. Luckily I don't think my editor is an OBO fan."

22nd over: England 121-1 (target 293; Strauss 68, Trott 5) Like the Guardian's Soulmates, just singles from that over. Netherlands were 96-2 at this stage, so England currently have a little bit in hand. "Given England's one-day form, not least in the current game, we're surely on shaky ground complaining about minnows being allowed to take part in the World Cup?" asks James Brown, not unreasonably.

23rd over: England 126-1 (target 293; Strauss 70, Trott 9) "Ah, the tell-tale signs that Sean Ingle's on the OBO desk," sighs Timothy Muller. "A slightly tortuous metaphor, a reference to Leo Messi and a mention of the current odds. What next? A veterinary anecdote from Barry Glendenning?" Fair point, Timothy. But with a spinner on so there's little time for precision or insight; I'm just trying to find my feet. And all the while I've got Joseph O'Neill's Netherland's in my head; a book I enjoyed greatly but many of my cricket-loving friends found disappointing. Anyway, I digress: four off the over and England continue to inch towards their target.

24th over: England 131-1 (target 293; Strauss 74, Trott 9) A change in the bowling as - just like that - Tommy Cooper comes on. From the evidence of his first over, he's tidy but without much of X-factor. "If it's just crowds and money cricket is after, then there's a good case for skipping matches against the minnows," says Emiel de Bont. "If, on the other hand, you want the sport to grow and widen its appeal beyond the ten Test nations, then you should allow the associates to compete at this level every few years. And as Ryan van Doeschate has just demonstrated, they are making serious progress. Alas, not in the bowling today, however, it seems."

25th over: England 136-1 (target 293; Strauss 76, Trott 11) Ten Doeschate continues, and so do the GCSE Leisure Studies easy ones and twos. England need 157 to win from 25 overs at 6.28. "I'm with you regarding Netherland (book), says James Morgan. "Great read. However my pseudo-intellectual book club didn't agree." Is there any other kind of book club?

26th over: England 141-1 (target 293; Strauss 80, Trott 12) As Nasser Hussain and Ravi Shastri are pointing out on commentary, Netherlands aren't doing enough to stop the cheap singles: Strauss and Trott aren't risking the flamboyant because there's no need to. As I write that Trott tries a slog-sweep, but no damage done. " This is a perfect opportunity for Trott to continue showing the form he's built up recently," says Sam Hedges. "Play the solid understudy to the flamboyant Strauss. And score lots of runs. I've got him as an each-way bet to perform this tournament. Pleeeeease cricket gods, let me beat the bookies for once." There's a small chance Sam, but Sehwag has made some start. Anyway, that's it from me - Rob Smyth will be taking over again. Thanks for your emails.

27th over: England 147-1 (target 293; Strauss 82, Trott 16) Hello.

28th over: England 160-1 (target 293; Strauss 83, Trott 27) Trott plays consecutive reverse-sweeps off the off-spin of Cooper. The first goes for two, the second for four – the first boundary in 13 overs. Later in the over he cover drives another boundary to make it 13 from the over. "If/When Strauss gets to 89, he will become the highest scorer by an England captain in a World Cup," statsgurus Paul Frame.

WICKET! England 166-2 (Strauss c Cooper b Bhukari 88) Having lived by the pull, now Andrew Strauss dies by it. He top-edged it towards deep square leg, and Tom Cooper ran in to take a well judged catch as he slid forward. Strauss played a gem of an innings, 88 from 83 balls, although, by getting out on 88, he has jiggered Paul Frame's chat-up line for tonight.

32nd over: England 175-2 (target 293; Trott 34, Bell 4) A quiet over from Bukhari. The required rate has sneaked past 6.50 per over, but there's no real reason for England to worry at this stage.

33rd over: England 180-2 (target 293; Trott 36, Bell 7) This is such boring cricket. Once upon a time 50-over cricket was 'hit, giggle and scheme', but so much of it these days is nurdle, weep and go through the motions. Five from the over, and that means England require 113 from 17 overs.

34th over: England 185-2 (target 293; Trott 37, Bell 11) The left-arm spinner Pieter Seelaar returns to the attack. Apparently his figures are 5-14-22-1, the 14 referring to dot balls. What a load of nonsense. His first over back costs five, again all in ones and twos.

35th over: England 189-2 (target 293; Trott 39, Bell 13) Thirty-four overs have gone, so that means the mandatory bowling change. This is where India often take their batting Powerplay, but they are a proactive side and England are England, so on we go with the low-risk accumulation. That's fair enough in this particular situation, because England have the match under control, but it would nice to see a bit of flexibility, particularly when they are batting first. Four from the over. "Is 'Nurdle, weep and go through the motions,' not also the answer to the question 'please could you describe the outcome of an OBOer's nocturnal dalliances'?" says world-famous competent lover Ant Pease.

36th over: England 197-2 (target 293; Trott 46, Bell 14) Trott makes room to slap a cut stroke for four off Bukhari, and nip any concerns about the required rate in the bud. What a remarkable and fascinating character Trott is. He might be the only person in the history of cricket who has never, not for one second, been bored while batting. "I know the boring middle overs are a problem, but I want to find a way to keep the ODI," says Tim Woollias. "For the paying punter I find twenty20 too short, and while I have done at least one day at a Test every year for the last twenty, there is sometimes a sense of anti climax, particularly if you go on Day 1, and it finishes 247-3 (as it did at Headingly in 1981). There are times when you want a full day's cricket and a conclusion." Let it go, it's over.

37th over: England 200-2 (target 293; Trott 48, Bell 15) Bell can be a touch becalmed in the middle order at times – that's why I'd have him opening – and a few dot balls in that Loots over mean tht the required rate sneaks above seven an over. England need 93 from 13 overs. "Rob, did you just hear the Aussie commentator on 5Live completely crib your line about death and taxes?" says Rory Dickenson. "Sorry if I've missed something...." You mean someone reads this garbage? I had no idea.

38th over: England 207-2 (target 293; Trott 52, Bell 17) Trott survives a muted shout for LBW from a very full Seelaar delivery that was surely sliding down the leg side. Two balls later he reaches yet another half-century, from 58 deliveries and with three fours. The fella is a machine. He averages nearly 60 in his fledgling ODI career – and that includes a terrible spell of 15 runs in four innings. He is a freak, and I use that word with more man-love than you could ever imagine.

39th over: England 215-2 (target 293; Trott 58, Bell 19) The debutant Berend Westdijk is on for Loots (7-0-41-0). He responded gamely to a bit of bullying from Kevin Pietersen earlier in the day, but his third ball back is too short and Trott drags a well-placed pull to the boundary. "How about a rule saying the batting Powerplay has to be taken by over 35?" says Tim Woollias. "Too many teams take it as late as possible, but the last five overs are rarely boring, it's the middle overs that need some artificial assistance." If something needs such a degree of artificial assistance, shouldn't it just be put down? Apart from Cher, obviously.

40th over: England 222-2 (target 293; Trott 62, Bell 22) Seven low-risk runs in that Seelaar over, so England need 71 from the last 10 overs. "Worrying about the predictable middle overs misses the point," says Rob Cocking. "Precisely one hour after this match is over all that any of us will remember is Collingwood getting out for 5 off 16, leaving Anderson and Yardy to give up still needing 9 runs off two overs. That was the case before England tried to put a spanner in the works by naming their team, and it remains the case now."

WICKET! England 224-3 (Trott st Barresi b ten Doeschate 62) England take the batting Powerplay and, just for a change, lose a wicket instantly. Trott was stumped off a wide as he overbalanced, trying to flick ten Doeschate to fine leg. It was a whip-smart stumping from Walter Barresi, so quick that it was not even referred to the third umpire.

41st over: England 229-3 (target 293; Bell 26, Collingwood 2) So, 64 needed from 54 balls. They couldn't balls this up. Could they? "Surely the future of one-day cricket should be Twenty20 Test matches," says Marc Weaver. "Two matches played back to back in the same day using the same format as Test match cricket." I like the idea, but surely it's too much to ask of the players, mentally as much as physically. I know they do it on Twenty20 Finals Day but you wouldn't want to make it the norm.

42nd over: England 237-3 (need 56 from 48 balls; Bell 31, Collingwood 4) Bell hits his first boundary from his 35th boundary, timing a lovely cut off the returning Bukhari. Eight from the over in total. "You're not telling me you could get through for long without Artificial Happiness Facilitator are you?" says Louise Wright. "If you're judging by that kind of standard I reckon most of us are for the chop. With the possible exception of Cher, obviously."

WICKET! England 241-4 (Bell b ten Doeschate 33) Bell's nothing innings comes to an end as Ryan ten Doeschate strikes with his last delivery of the match. Bell made room to hit over the off side, and the ball flew off the inside edge and onto middle stump.

43rd over: England 241-4 (need 52 from 42 balls; Collingwood 6, Bopara 0) ten Doeschate ends with figures of 10-0-47-2. Whatever happens, he should be the Man of the Match. "I hadn't time to read the whole OBO," says Niall Harden, "so I just searched for the word 'farce' and caught up nicely. As usual."

44th over: England 249-4 (need 44 from 36 balls; Collingwood 13, Bopara 1) Some leg-stump garbage from Bukhari is whipped fine for four by Collingwood, and a few ones and twos make it eight from the over. "Is Cher in now?" asks Kerry Davies. She would probably time it better than Collingwood; he's all over the place. But with Collingwood, that's so familiar as to be almost comforting. He'll find a way to make runs in this tournament.

45th over: England 256-4 (need 37 from 30 balls; Collingwood 18, Bopara 3) Collingwood picks Loots' slower ball and drives it handsomely over mid off for four, his first runs on the off side in this innings. One boundary per over, in addition to the inevitable ones and twos, should be enough for England. "Why should Twenty20 Tests, as Marc Weaver suggests, be any more effort than one-day games?" asks Tom Baird. "There were be less overs in total than one-day games at present. I like the idea." The cricket is just much more intense. It'd be inhumane to make 80-over days of Twenty20 cricket the norm.

46th over: England 260-4 (need 33 from 24 balls; Collingwood 19, Bopara 5) This is getting pretty hairy. There's a moment of fortune for Collingwood, who charges Seelaar, is done in the flight and inside-edges the ball just wide of leg stump and past the keeper for a single. That's one of only four runs from a fine over from the left-arm spinner Seelaar, and suddenly England need more than eight an over. "The World Cup has barely begun and already the format is being written off," says Emiel de Bont. "What's wrong with you people? I admit, I much prefer Test cricket, but this Twenty20 nonsense is really just a bad excuse for slogging the ball about, which in my view has little to do with proper cricket. It's a format, remember, where the Dutch beat England at Lord's. And could do so again. I like the Jonathan Trotts of this world, who judge every ball on its merits and who have the mental discipline to stay focussed. Take it from a Dutchman: one-day cricket isn't going anywhere. Least of all away."

47th over: England 270-4 (need 23 from 18 balls; Collingwood 26, Bopara 9) That's a very good over for England, with Loots going for 10. Collingwood applies some balm by premeditating a lap over short fine leg for four from the first delivery; Bopara then chips a slower one just short of long on from the fourth ball, and England are able to score off every ball.

48th over: England 280-4 (need 13 from 12 balls; Collingwood 30, Bopara 14) Seelaar's last over goes for 10, none of them in boundaries. Collingwood reverse sweeps the second ball for three, a beautifully timed stroke from outside leg stump. Barresi then misses a very difficult stumping chance, when Bopara walks down the track to a ball angled deliberately wide of leg stump. That's 20 from the last two overs, and England should be home and dry now.

48.4 overs: England 292-4 (Collingwood 30, Bopara 30). ENGLAND WIN BY SIX WICKETS Bopara finishes the match in a hurry, smacking Loots for 6244 to give England victory with eight balls to spare. Collingwood and Bopara played coolly in the face of potential humiliation, each making 30 not out from 23 and 20 balls respectively. England were a rabble in the field but they paced an awkward chase fairly well. Now they move to Bangalore for the small matter of India on Sunday. Eek. Thanks for your emails, see you on Thursday.