We’re coming to get you, Formula Feeders!

Rated : MH – Mature Humour – Do not bother reading if you do not have one.

HOT PRESS RELEASE!!!

“Wherever you hide that tin of formula,….we’re coming to get you, Formula Feeders! We’ll be in your kitchen, checking your bottles and throwing out your tins of formula! We are the mighty “Breastfeeding Boobs Squad” (BBS).

We have heeded the call of Jamie Oliver and we, the BBS who have dedicated our boobs to breastfeeding. We swear on our boobs that we will hunt every non breastfeeding lactating mother and we will make each and everyone of you pay by burning your pretty normal bras. We are everywhere, at coffee shop, at the mall, at the school, on the bus, on the train, at the swimming pool, the playground, at the Mother’s Group. Every boob and nipple will not be safe from us. Make no mistake, we will be coming for you if you give even an ounce of formula to your baby. Formula Feeders, beware! We will be watching YOU! ”

We have heard Jamie Oliver’s call and we are coming!

Inspired by Jamie’s attempts at “unpacking” breastfeeding data and launching a much needed campaign to support women all around the world in the correct use of their mammary glands, a group of hard nosed Breastfeeding Militants have come together to form the “Breastfeeding Boobs Squad”.

We, Breastfeeding Mums and our hardworking boobs, have been much in hiding most of our lives, being afraid to speak out because of what we will call Formula Feeding Mummy Force attempts to silence the breastfeeding mothers with their self-pity. Then there is the incredible power of Formula Companies determined to make a dollar off women and their babies, determined to squash the boobs of the breastfeeding mums so it never leaks colostrum ever again.

If breastfeeding is really as easy and convenient as Jamie says, then really, what is so difficult about whipping out a boob and feeding your child?

Ok, let me re-phrase that:

What is so difficult in IMAGINING whipping out your boob, slapping your baby to your chest, baby opening mouth, baby starts to suck, milk comes out in bountiful amounts and in that perfect fairy tale world, you then imagine yourself cleaning the entire house, cooking a Jamie Oliver standard dinner, do the washing, singing while the animals come in and keep you company while you do it all in high heels, a ball gown and make up, of course.

If it is so easy to imagine, surely it stands to reason that it must be just as simple to really do in real life? After all, if I can imagine jumping off a plane to skydive, how difficult can it be to do it in real life? Similarly, how difficult really is it to stick a nipple in a baby’s mouth?

Like the long serving self martyr Perfect Mother I am and the other members of my group, I am sure I am on the road to self canonization of being St Mother Perfect as I have persoanlly dedicated 6 and a half years to breastfeeding my three children. It was like Jamie says, been so incredibly easy and convenient– leaky boobs, cracked and sore nipples, trying to navigate the latch on positions, mastitis, broken wounds, the sleepless nights from demand breastfeeding, the desperation when milk would not come in, when you can not pump, when your baby was constantly hungry, no, these are not real excuses reasons at all.

I am sure Jamie would have been right by my side the days and nights I cried during the first few months when I tried so desperately to feed my eldest child who had severe reflux which went undiagnosed for two years. He nursed and threw up every two hours, 24 hours a day, seven days a week for the first 24 months of his life. I breastfed exclusively for 6 months but he hardly gained any weight. I became so very ill from pneumonia because I was so malnourished as a result of his frequent need to nurse. I was surviving only on guilt and more guilt. Wrecked with guilt and immense pressure from the “expert” advice that I could “stunt him, make him ill or obese”, I refused to give him any formula. I was so worried that I would be poisoning him with formula.

I am sure I wouldn’t have needed formula then as a back up at all if I had Jamie then in my day to save me, like you lucky lot today.

So yes, Jamie, on behalf of the mothers around the world, we thank you for opening the eyes of mothers all round the world : What these mothers don’t need is formula, but added stress, guilt and a good old fashioned kick up their lazy bums! There’s nothing like more guilt to motivate people.

We, the members of the BBS, sworn our allegiance by have our boobs tattooed with Jamie’s breastfeeding mantra that “breastfeeding is easy and convenient”. Our first course of action would be to demand that the government do two things, effective immediately:

Introducing The Formula Tax

Formalising the Breastfeeding Boobs Squad

Formula Tax

Riding on the success of the sugar tax, the Formula Tax can be applied to all tins of formula to improve the health of our babies. At just £1 ($10) per tin, experts believe that up to £20 billion can be generated to support the after effects of this tax measures in supporting the failed mental health support and quiet desperation of some non breastfeeding mothers.

Better still, let’s increase the tax to £24,000 per tin, just like Beluga Caviar, and make it the most expensive food in the world.

We can then go make the Darwinian Law of Survival a reality – those who can’t breastfeed, then that’s just too bad for them. Only the breastfed baby (and rich) will survive.

ThenBreastfeeding Boobs Squad

The Breastfeeding Boobs Squad (BBS) will be rightfully recognised as a true political party to be reckoned with. Our first act of parliament would be to pass a new law, which will make formula feeding illegal, and lactating mothers be subject to compulsory random breastfeeding tests conducted by the BBS.

All mothers will have to submit their nipples and boobs for regular monthly examinations to make sure their nipples are of the correct size. Their breasts will then be “milked” and the breastmilk sample be taken to the nearest laboratory to be tested.

Mothers can be subject to a fine of up to £100 and imprisonment of up to 12 weeks if they are found to be producing breast milk of

an inferior quality.

of a quantity less than the national average.

more than usual levels of sugars – obviously indicating the need to increase the amount of the sugar tax.

Big Brother style cameras will also be installed in all homes to ensure that there is no illegal consumption or use of breast milk. Fathers will face up to 4 years of imprisonment if they are found guilty of consuming the substance, whether directly or otherwise.

Let’s take this up another notch and let’s not even offer “Formula” as a choice to mothers who can’t breastfeed because of a physical or emotional illness, of having had a mastectomy, of having to work double shifts just to put food in their own bellies or just because their “useless” breasts cannot provide the sustenance?

If you can’t breastfeed, then that’s just too bad.

If the government does not accede to our demands, we will have no choice but to stage a “Breast In” anyplace anytime, where we will strip to our boobs and aimlessly squirt people with our breastmilk! Are you scared now? Are you listening?

We are sure that these measures will improve the rate of breastfeeding dramatically and champion a new generation of Breastfeeding Militant Mummies to replace the Formula Feeding Mummies, of which, I will then nominate myself as the President of Public Breastfeeding Mummy Shaming Club – where formula feeding mothers will be routinely dragged out to the square and publicly humiliated with evil eye looks and looks of repulsion and taunts of “How could YOU?” and of course the occasional grope as obviously their boobs must not be real or functional.

We are so honoured that a man, whose mammary glands have served no other function but to look sexy through a white T-shirt will be coming to “save” mothers like me all round the world. We hope that Jamie will agree to be our mascot and symbol of Breastfeeding Militarism.

We have already filed law suits against our own formula feeding mothers, as our first act of public dissent to prove our loyalty to the cause.

We are The Breastfeeding Boobs Squad! So come join us and hear us breastfeed while we hunt these Formula Feeders down! Let the suckling sounds of every baby be the bugle cry to war!

If you have two lactating boobs, please apply to theperfectmother@hastheperfectbreastfeedingboobs.com, If you have non functional lactating boobs, you can only apply to mascot@hasNObreastfeedingboobs.com

** This post is written in extreme jest and if it sounds ridiculous, then you know how the author really feels about the whole affair of breast vs bottle. There is a real and different story behind each breast or each bottle and who are you to judge or advise if you are not part of her story?

So put your bottles and breasts down, and walk away slowly, back to your babies who will love you for who you are, this is not a standoff of who is the better mother.

You are a mother, already the better mother to that baby, regardless of how you feed him because you love him.

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73 comments on We’re coming to get you, Formula Feeders!

Mrs P

March 21, 2016 at 7:06 am

I loved this- cheered me right up after being yapped at about financial gains for formula companies on Twitter all day. Everyone makes their own choices for their own reasons. I’m now off to check my beautiful baby and give her a kiss goodnight feeling like an OK mummy!

Lucy at occupation: (m)other

March 21, 2016 at 6:28 pm

Yes love not breast vs bottle. Wonderful closing sentiments.
Pretty bras! Haha, yes well – there’s an idea – maybe if Mr Oliver does want to support breastfeeding he should open a bra shop. And a vest shop. And a ‘I just want to wear nice clothes that I can also get to my boobs in’ shop.
I haven’t actually heard his new campaign, I’ve obviously seen it around but I just can’t bring myself to engage with it. I volunteer as a BF Peer Supporter on a maternity ward, maybe he should try that for a couple of hours if he things it’s EASY for people. #bigpinklink

Jemma - Anxious Mummy

March 21, 2016 at 6:46 pm

As someone who not to stop breastfeeding due to my baby being rushed into hospital, it still upsets me so much thinking about it but this made me smile, thank you! Jemma x #bigpinklinkJemma – Anxious Mummy recently posted…I will never give her a dummy…

justsayingmum

March 21, 2016 at 7:30 pm

oh you never fail to disappoint! love it but more excitingly I’m thrilled that I must qualify as having MH – a very entertaining post about an issue that is ridiculously loaded with judgement – I have 3 children – 2 breastfed and one formula – my decisions based on what I felt (no one else) was right for my children and that’s all you can hope other women are able to do – do what is best for their child and also for themselves in a supportive environment #bigpinklinkjustsayingmum recently posted…Leo may not like this … just saying!

YUP. You have accurately correlated the ridiculousness of Jamie Oliver’s comments to the ridiculousness of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding debate. Can everybody just shut up and let us do what we want to do with our own bodies? Jesus. It’s like telling someone how to pee, “you should sit with your legs at a 90 degree angle and bend forward so that you can see your toes…” Okay I’m over-exaggerating a bit, but you get my drift. #bigpinklinkThe Mum Project – Meagan recently posted…To Mom: “Love You to the Moon and Back”

WOW!! You’ve actually outdone yourself, Agent S!! You’ve totally nailed the ridiculousness of the entire debate, in one frighteningly accurate, but hilarious post. I’ve actually seen comments from The Breastapo on some posts, really saying things like formula should be made illegal, and you should only be allowed it after stringent medical assessment, and then it should be strictly monitored by prescription. Yes, I have actually seen those comments, made by actual real life people. And I have to say, I’ve always been a fan of Jamie Oliver, I loved what he did for school dinners, and for underprivileged kids who wanted to get into cooking. But he’s gone so far down in my estimation for these ridiculous comments. Ok, it may have been easy for his wife to breastfeed, but that’s the only experience he will have of it, so he is not qualified to judge what anyone outside of his limited experience does!! I find the whole debacle infuriating!! I think you should email this to his ‘people’ !!!! Thanks so much for sharing with #bigpinklink!This Mum’s Life recently posted…The Big Pink Link

Oh thus is brilliant. Such a clever and funny way of approaching a very real and (in my opinion) stupid debate. I can’t stand the whole breastfeeding v bottle thing, as long as a baby is loved and fed why should people make it their business to find out where they are getting their milk from. I breastfed for 10 months and it was hard so I’m not sure what jamie oliver is on about. Another fabulous post xx #bigpinklinkwendy recently posted…Traditional sponge cake with an Easter twist

This is genius, and all of it so true. I can’t believe that the debate is still going to be honest, as long as a baby is fed then I really couldn’t give a tiny rats ass where that milk came from! Surely these people need to spend their time hunting down the parents who don’t bother feeding their kids…at all!! That would do more for the good of children than all of this!! #bigpinklink

My most recent post is a letter to Jamie I know where he was coming from with his comments but the ‘easy’ and ‘convenient’ bit was very naïve and a little bit ignorant! I breastfed my eldest for much longer than my youngest but neither of them for as long as I’d intended. Its a tricky kettle of fish is breastfeeding and someone who has never done it cannot possibly advise on it. Loved this post and completely understood the humour! #bigpinklinkBecky (And Then There Were Two) recently posted…Dear Jamie Oliver

Oopsie, me thinks Mr O has made a bit of a boob! I bottle fed my first, breast fed my second. As my firstborn lay on my chest, barely minutes old, I had a midwife either side of me (angel/devil on my shoulder style) me having a passive aggressive ‘discussion’ with me/each other about which method I was planning to do- helpful! #bigpinklinkMess and Merlot recently posted…Desiderata -A Modern Day Take

This is a GREAT post! I struggled to breastfeed and felt so guilty and upset that my body ‘failed me’ and had to use formula. No (loving)mother would ever choose something that wasn’t going to benefit their child. It is each womans personal choice . When Jamie grows some boobs and has that decision to make I’ll listen to what he has to say! #BigpinklinkNadine (@caringchaos) recently posted…Why I Hate School Holidays

Love it! I literally have no idea exactly what Jamie Oliver said, but have read innumerable angry posts bemoaning it, and this is by far the most fun! #bigpinklinkSingle Mum Speaks recently posted…My Favourite Bloggers

Once again lovely you have taken a controversial and current hot potato and responded with fun, wit and a powerful ethical message on behalf of the mums of the world. Your writing is awesome. You should write your own newspaper!

Kerry-Ann

March 22, 2016 at 6:15 pm

Ugh! Such a ridiculous debate but one that really seems to get people’s backs up quicker than the mention of Donald Trump! You’ve hit the nail on the head – great post! x #abitofeverythingKerry-Ann recently posted…Nature. Cheaper than Therapy

This is the best post I’ve read on the subject! I am a mum of two formula feed babies but personally I didn’t like the guy since his book Save With Jamie! Formula Tax sounds like a good idea to stop these terrible mothers from poisoning their children… Or we could just invest in better support for new mums?!Hayleigh Budgetfoodmummy recently posted…Eating on a budget A-Z

Such a brilliant take on a debate that I’m just catching up on. As far as JO is concerned, I think he’d be better off getting involved in things he is able to get involved in – he’s not likely to be breast feeding number 5, is he? I struggled to get breast feeding going with my son – pain, sore nipples, so many tears – but once I got going all was well. I have nothing but sympathy for those mums who want to breast feed but can’t and am supportive of those mums who decide to formula feed. As long as each baby is loved and fed then why is it anyone’s business how the feeding happens?

The breast versus formula wars are ridiculous – and you showed that in the funniest possible way. Babies get fed at the end of the day, right? So there you go. Nothing to argue about here. #abitofeverythingSquirmy Popple recently posted…A reluctant soon-to-be full-time working mum

Great interpretation of the whole scenario I love it. I felt immense guilt at not being able to breast feed my first son, (he was in intensive care for a week and although I tried to express my milk just didn’t come in properly) we need to find a way to help mums not make them feel guilty!Catie: An Imperfect Mum recently posted…Book Corner: Monstersaurus

Trista, Domesticated Momster

March 22, 2016 at 7:47 pm

I breastfed all 3 of my babies and believe me it’s no easy task with DDD size boobs and suffering through mastitis not once, not twice, but 3 freaking times! I was still breastfeeding my second when I got pregnant with my 3 so there goes the ol wives tale that you can’t get knocked up if you’re breastfeeding because oh yes …yes you can…and before you’ve even had a period after giving birth. Brilliant post as always and I’m with you…breast fed..bottle fed…as long as the baby is fed and loved is all that truly matters. Thanks so much for hostessing the fab #abitofeverything. I’m always late to the party due to time change ….it’s 4:46am here in my neck of the world and I should be sleeping but thanks to my husband…I’m not.

The only thing wrong with people today is that they think that they know best. Breast, bottle, who cares?! As long as the babies are healthy, it doesn’t matter. I absolutely loved this post. Thank you! #abitofeverything

I have not heard of this guy or his campaign but he sounds ridiculous and for it to be a man making these “expert” suggestions? Really? The only experts are us moms who are in the trenches making decisions for our babies every day, from breast vs bottle to what kind of diaper to use. Damn! I love your sarcasm about the whole thing Agent Spitback! You are such an inspiration! I breastfed both of my boys but my first I could only breastfeed for two months because he was eating non-stop and my second I could only breast feed for one month because we discovered that he was lactose intolerant. At least until he was 2 years old. I’m all for breastfeeding but I think it’s so ridiculous that we judge each other either way for our choices. We are all mothers and doing the best that we can. Let’s just support each other. Thanks so much for hosting #abitofeverythingMichelle recently posted…My St. Patrick’s Day Blessings

I am currently breastfeeding my 6 week old, and yes its very hard. At the end of the day as long as the baby gets what it needs, does it matter whether its breast or bottle?
#abitofeverythingRachel Bustin recently posted…Which baby wipes are best for a newborn?

Obviously, I wish I had had Jamie on hand with his amazing advice when I was breastfeeding my two twins, both allergic to any trace of dairy and soya in breast milk, one with no suck reflex, and while also minding my 1 and 3 year old. It was so simple, natural and fulfilling, specially tandem feeding in public? ? #abitofwverythingGilly recently posted…The Worlds Shittiest Tooth Fairy!

Love how you’ve turned this argument into something very funny. I agree with your last paragraph, that it doesn’t matter how babies get their milk it’s love that counts. Thanks for hosting #AbitofeverythingCheryl recently posted…Vices – Why We all Need Them

I couldn’t have loved this post any more than I did! Wonderfully written and completely agree, doesn’t matter how bubba gets their milk as long as its given with love #bigpinklink xHannah G, The ‘Ordinary’ Mum recently posted…Awards Season- Lets Celebrate!

I want in to the BBS. Is there a badge? I have sent my email, but for some reason it bounced back… is this because I have one nipple bigger than the other and you secretly already knew about it?
I actually feel a bit sorry for Jamie, actually a man standing up for women for once and he gets annihilated by everyone. Bless him for his terrible choice of words and thank you for clarifying what he actually should have said.
#AbitofeverythingGretel – @gretelingham recently posted…7 things my children have learnt from books

Brilliant! Loving the fresh view.
Far too much knocker chat for my liking. I’ve given mine over and had them beaten silly… Let’s just make sure those kids are fed! #abitofeverythingHelen recently posted…“Mummy, you don’t have a Daddy do you?”

Hilarious! I love it. I think the breast milk vs. formula war is just as silly as all the other ‘mommy wars’. It doesn’t matter if you breast feed, bottle feed, formula feed, pump, or buy breast milk off the black market your kids just going to end up eating boogers and crap off the floor in a couple years anyway! #twinklytuesday

Love this. (Six and a half years?? And severe reflux for two years? You are INCREDIBLE then … I’ve *only* BF for 2 and dealt with reflux for, thank god, 4 months and I thought I was going to go completely bananas). This is really fun to read and I love the sarcasm, but also seriously valid, well thought out points. The main thing is our children are happy and nourished. Motherhood’s hard enough without any sniping. End. Of. #abitofeverything

The Pramshed

March 23, 2016 at 4:12 pm

Brilliant post, I haven’t really caught up with Jamie Oliver breastfeeding debate (too much going on) but I got the jist of it. I didn’t like the comments he made stating breastfeeding is easier…..not its f**king not – harder than my labour, harder than being pregnant and probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. However your child is fed, it doesn’t matter, what matters is mum and baby are happy. Thanks for hosting another fab linky hun. Claire x #abitofeverythingThe Pramshed recently posted…Shameless post – Vote for me

Yvonne

March 23, 2016 at 10:23 pm

Wow, what a great post !! As someone who couldnt breastfeed her children at first, due to being completely out of it, then struggling to get them to latch (and being in floods of tears), I really wish Jamie Oliver had been there to save the day! In all seriousness though, I think the most important thing for a mum is to love and care for your child. Breast vs Formula is a debate that rumbles on, but what matters is being there for them when they need you. xxx #abitofeverything

Hi Agent, many a true word said in jest and all that. I think Good Ol’ Jamie has put his big foot well and truly in it this time. How a Mum feeds her baby is a personal choice and she should never feel like she has to justify her choice.

I’d love to know how hard his wife kicked his bum when he got home. The Pranny!

Wow. Such a brilliant post. I’ve read so many articles debating Jamie-gate but this is by far my fave. Linking up with #abitofeverything for the first time Sarah – To Maternity & Beyond recently posted…One more day

Yet again, you have nailed it with this post! A brilliant read, boobs or bottles, who cares as long as tummies are full & smiles are intact?! #abitofeverythingPink Pear Bear recently posted…Big Pink Link Chwech. (6)

Such a great post. The debate that will not go away but told with originality and humour, really enjoyed reading it. I guess thanks should also go Jamie – where would we be without him and his sound advice. #abitofeverythingTammymum recently posted…Wicked Wednesday photo

Haha! Yes, it should be whatever is right for you – there doesn’t need to be fuss either way. Though I suspect that Jamie Oliver (though I don’t particularly like him) did not actually intend for this to sound or be taken the way it was – I think he just misjudged it. I think he probably only intended to highlight that there maybe needs to be more support for women who DO want, & are able, to breastfeed, since the extremely low levels of breastfeeding suggest that maybe there is not enough support. However, what he actually did was start speaking when he wasn’t properly prepared & that only ever leads to blunders. Like saying something you have never done is ‘easy’. Or repeating very exaggerated claims of miracle properties. That sort of thing. I don’t think Jamie will make the mistake again. 😀 #abitofeverythingSilly Mummy recently posted…How (Not) to Make an Easter Nest With Toddlers

I was adamant I was going to feed by boys with boob juice until they were a year old but hey, I failed. I got to 8 months with No 1 but my milk was drying up because I was already pregnant with No 2. Yes – you CAN get pregnant when you are breast feeding but what is harder to do is to keep breast feeling and make another baby without being really ill. With baby no 2 I did make it to 11 months but then the biting got too much. But hey – I didn’t actually FAIL as I have 2 strapping boys now, I simply didn’t go as long as I wanted to … but then what would society have said had I NOT stopped and I had continued to breast feed them beyond a year old to 2, 3 or 4 years old? Suddenly this sort of breast feeling becomes socially unacceptable when surely all women have a right to feed their babies as little or as much as they want to without being judged by anyone?Rosie @greenrosielife recently posted…Weekly Green Tips #1 – Disposables to Go

Oh I love this, it just captures the slight ridculousness of the whole Jamie Oliver breastfeeding debacle. Hes definitely bitten off a bit more than he can chew this time round 😉 Thanks for sharing this on #MarvMondays. Emily

Great post as always. I’m vaguely aware of the debate going on but I haven’t read anything about it, I don’t care how other people feed their babies but I do wish they’d offer me the same courtesy. I still bf my nearly 2 year old but even my family don’t know because everyone is so judgemental and I can’t understand why they think it’s any of their business.
Nat.xPlutonium Sox recently posted…The Small World Series: Mr Plutonium Sox

LOL this did make me chuckle although at one point I did wonder if I had missed something … I must admit I don’t put much say in Mr Oliver but his recent comments doesn’t surprise me. Being a breastfeeding mum many of your points resinate above. Pregnant with my second I have no idea the way its going to go but if it doesn’t work out then I am loosing the guilt this time round for everyones sake. I think your summing up is spot on! Thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK hope to see you again this week xMudpie Fridays recently posted…Breakfast with the Easter Bunny

Bahaha! I just took a course on “Baby Friendly Initiative” that is a world wide designation that hospitals and public health offices are trying to achieve… It really pushes breastfeeding. I do not forsee the BBS getting any smaller 😉
#abitofeverything
Torihttp://www.themamanurse.comTori recently posted…What Every L&D Nurse Wished You Knew

You do make me smile I have tried to avoid jumping into the Jamie Oliver debate. I always thought breastfeeding would be easy, but as you know it is so not. I combination fed my son and after 6 months with my daughter who had silent reflux was desperate to give up, but couldn’t. I have a real love/hate relationship with it.Laura’s Lovely Blog recently posted…Me, Myself & I #5

The breastfeeding subject is a hard one for me as I did it without trouble with my first then my second we had so much trouble that it just didn’t work. And I felt like I had failed my son and it was made worse by a close family member shoving their breastfeeding in my face (not literally) but this post made me smile! Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

What a great piece on a very important topic. Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing if you can do it, I was unfortunate not to be able to do it for very long do to help problems. I felt so guilty and felt like I’d failed my baby when I had to turn to formula. It is a personal choice and mother’s shouldn’t feel guilty or pressured. Well done. x

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