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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

In the Event of Famousness - I Need People

So if you haven't been reading The Wonder That Is My Blog very long, you may have missed the first edition of In the Event of Famousness. Go back, read it, and bow down before my generosity. Or don't. As with anything else on this blog, it really doesn't pay to try and make sense out of it. Just laugh and shake your head at me. Everyone else does.

So this month, I'd like to get you thinking about an essential part of famousness. If you become famous, you will need People. Because evidently, becoming famous does something to your brain, making you subsequently unable to dial the telephone. You need People for that. You need People to call other People's People. And then their People will ask your People to tell you that their People want to talk to you. Which seems awfully convoluted, but then again, famous people probably have a lot of spare time to deal with this sort of thing.

I've got to interrupt myself for just one minute and get this out of my system: Soylent green is PEEPUL!!!!

Much better. I've been thinking it ever since I typed the title, and it was starting to interrupt the flow of nonsense.

Anyway. Unless you get a LOT of phone calls, you'll probably want your People to do things other than pick whack ringtones for your Smartfreakingconfusingphone. Sean Combs actually had a People who carried his umbrella for him. Mariah Carey had a People who carried her drink, complete with straw, so she wouldn't mess up her lipstick.

So the thing you must think about in the event that famousness happens to you: what will your People do? I don't do umbrellas, and while I am quite literally addicted to lipgloss, I can reapply after drinking, thankyouverymuch. So I've decided instead that I will have a Boom Box People. My People will be in charge of following me with a big old 80s style boom box, and he will supply the soundtrack to my life. He must have nice eyebrows and be willing to dress in a Batman costume for Halloween, but under the mask, he must resemble Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles. He must be willing to listen to "Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing" by Chris Issac and "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop at least ten times every day. And he must not mind if I occasionally ask him to play the Ewok song during romantic moments just for laughs. Because really, any romantic moment is better with the Ewok song.

I would love to have People who will write my notes at work for me...oh wait...I *WILL* have that - they're called residents, fellows and physician extenders! Shoot...now what? Can I have People to drive to local microbreweries and bring me beer? Yes...my People would definitely be a beer wench!

On a sad side note - the guy who wrote the original Batman Theme Song from the old tv show just passed away - I'm singing NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa BATMAN while doing an eyebrow jig in his memory and invite you all to join me in this!

My people will never let me run out of chocolate...he will wear pants that show off his fine bum and he will clean my house, do my dishes and grocery shopping and rub my feet while I am reading blogs and writing...and his name will be Aidan...he will have a wonderful tan and tight tushy and feed me grapes when I am by the pool...

Yes, I have thought about my people (maybe I should change mine to my person)...

Keri: After you're done potty training, can I borrow your people? I'm going to have to do my twins soon. Ugh. I'm tired just thinking about it.

slhastings: Hey, I can just tell you where we'll be so you don't need to search for the Ewok/Jake Ryan. I'm sure your people will get out of breath, what with carrying you around and singing all the time. Not like you're heavy. Just that it would be tiring. Man, I just keep digging that hole deeper and deeper, don't I?

My People will have People who do major over-the-top research to figure me out. When they do, they'll pass the word along to the other set of People, who will then tell them what I want. Because I never know what I want.

My people would buy syrups and candy sprinkles and put them into bottles and throw them into Lake Michigan so that your people will find them and fish them out and give them to you to eat with the waffles you got from Vivi's people.

People are people, so why should it be? You and I should get along so awfully.

That song was running through my head the whole time I was reading your comments.

My people would run interference for me, and carry my iPod....get jiggy with "love nubs" playing, hysterical laughter usually kills the moment for most guys, unless he's medicated for just such an event.

P.S. The bus wasn't going to stop, so I kicked the driver (bink, bink) and hijacked the thing. Come on everybody... Let's go for a ride...

Adrienne: See, I don't have a dog. Although they could walk my children... now there's a thought.

KM: I love those little Post-its! I love them so much that I conserve them; I don't want to run out. I'm a tiny post-it hoarder. I admit it!

Jeremy: See, I always thought that the words to that song were "love nubs." Ask Timmit. I put it in his head years ago, and he hasn't been about to get it out ever since.

Glamis: That's cool. But will the secondary People taunt you with the knowledge of what you want, or will they tell you, or will they simply fulfill your every unspoken desire? These are important things to consider. You know, in case you end up being famous.

BPV: Yeah, I think that song is going to go on the boom box, now that you mention it! I saw them twice in concert. :)

Timmit: Bink bink. BWAHAHAHA. You've got big brass clangers, bub, coming on here and throwing my own jokes back at me. I'm going to sic some flying suppositories on you if you don't stop. ;)

About Me

I like writing books, playing games, fighting evil, and cooking (everyone's got to have hobbies). My YA zombie comedy, BAD TASTE IN BOYS, is available from Delacorte Press right now! The next Kate Grable adventure, BAD HAIR DAY, will be available November 2012. Which is la awesome.