Tag Archives: confidence

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I’ve participated in two walks – one on October 6th in PA with a support group called Unite and another this past weekend with another group called Go Pink & Blue which is based out of Brooklyn. Each of these walks were special in their own ways but the one in Brooklyn was extra special. It took place on the Brooklyn bridge as the sun was setting and ended with a candle ceremony, in which we all spoke our baby’s names out loud and honored them in the most beautiful way.

Heart of candles for all of our angel babies

10.1.2017 – the day my life was forever changed

With both of these walks, I looked around and saw so much support. Families, friends, boyfriends/husbands…and there I was, all alone. For the walk in PA, I had my good friend by my side but for the Brooklyn walk I did it alone. Sure I had other angel moms there, who were very sweet and kind to me & whom I’ve exchanged information with to keep in touch. I also finally met a fellow angel mom, whom I’ve been so grateful to meet through my Facebook support groups and who has become a good friend. I met up with her in time for the candle ceremony – which was perfectly timed because I would’ve been a complete emotional mess otherwise. It’s hard to look around and see so much support and know that you don’t have any of that.

Now here’s where I open up and get really vulnerable. That’s hard for me to do – I don’t want anyone’s pity but I said I would share all of my story – including the struggles..and maybe one of you can relate…so here we go.

I’ve struggled a lot since April (the due date) but this past weekend was extra difficult – and it’s trickled into today. Doing this walk alone on Saturday…seeing the baby’s father early Sunday morning (which didn’t end well)…and now having to get through another day where I honor my angel baby alone today (it’s World Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day) – it’s more than I know how to handle. I’ve struggled with things my whole life but this broke me. And every time I see the baby’s father, my heart breaks even more. Not just because everything fell apart with him (that would be hard enough) but because I look at him and see all that I lost. Sometimes I just stare at him – thinking of that little girl in my dreams who looked just like him – and it destroys me. I will always wonder if the baby would’ve really looked like him – if it was really to be that little girl. I look at him and I get instant flashes of how different our lives would be with an almost 6-month old baby. I think of how different things would be with him – how he wouldn’t have turned so cold & distant but rather softened up and become less selfish. I think of how (if it really was that little girl) his whole world would be upside down…and how different he would be towards me (and all women). But that’s all I can do – think & wonder.

A little over a year ago, I had everything I wanted – my dream guy…my dream of being a mother…complete happiness – things I never thought were possible. Then within the blink of an eye…it was all gone. It’s like some sick joke God wanted to play on me. I went from the happiest that I’ve ever been to the most miserable. I’m left to have daily interaction with a guy who wants nothing to do with me, largely because of our baby. Losing the baby caused me to all but hate my body for what happened – and having him be so distant/cold and be seemingly disgusted (which is my interpretation) by me, only feeds more into my insecurity. I’m left to wonder about SO many things it makes my head hurt. I barely sleep. I go from eating nothing one day to eating everything the next. I never want to workout or do anything really. I cry ALL the time. I’ve gotten to this awful place mentally where I don’t even want to get out of bed most days – because what’s the point. I’ve been going through the motions of a life I don’t want to live. All I ever wanted was to be a mom – that got ripped from me and rather than try to have another baby….I lost the guy too. I’m left with nothing but what if’s – and it tortures me every single day. No one really understands – I’m told to move on with my life, be strong for my baby, etc… but none of that is possible. I feel really hopeless and wonder what the point really is. I’m 35 – which is already bad news in baby years. I now know that I have two conditions which cause infertility (I’ve known about PCOS for years but after I lost the baby, I was diagnosed with Endo too). And, if those weren’t enough, now I’m all alone. I can’t just keep trying and hope to not only get pregnant…but that a baby stays put the next time…I don’t even know if there will be a next time. Every day that passes I get older and feel more hopeless.

Last week in my blog, I said it would be day one again – that I was going to focus on me and get my pre-baby/grief body back. That motivation literally lasted for 2 days. I try to be strong – to use my pain as something positive and help others. I have always struggled with sharing things like this, as I don’t like attention or pity. Writing has always proven to be good therapy and I know other angel moms can relate – so I’m sharing for us all. I’m sharing so you know that you’re not alone. Maybe you struggle to get out of bed everyday or find it hard to be a functional member of society. You’re not alone – because I do too. I’ve gone through the motions of everyday life ever since this happened last year – hoping that one day I’ll actually love living my life again. That day hasn’t come – and the longer this goes on the more hopeless and sad I feel. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking – me too. And that’s why I’m being open and sharing this – for you and for me. When we lost our babies we all got initiated into this club that we never asked to be part of – but we’re in it together. My wish is to somehow find hope in this hopeless situation…I wish that for me and for you ❤

It wasn’t perfect by any means. Despite a serious lack of cardio along with Cinco de Mayo & birthday shenanigans, I managed to see really good results.

Summer Shred, Day 1 (April 2017)

Current look!

My plan is to continue this “shred” throughout the summer, while incorporating some treats along the way. I wanted to make this realistic this go-around. Last time, I was doing 2-a-day workouts and eating 1,200 calories a day…which consisted mostly of tilapia, egg whites, and a lot of boring foods. I was miserable by the end and the binge that followed reflected that. This time, I restricted my sweets and lessened my carbs…but that was it. No crazy strict diet was necessary. I lost the weight that I gained post-surgery and regained a lot of my muscle back. I also got much leaner, losing over 10% body fat in just 6 weeks time! Keeping my diet in check really helped make up for my inconsistent workouts. While the workouts weren’t what I initially planned, I did as much as life would allow. Life doesn’t always go the way that we plan so it’s important to always have a back-up plan in motion.

I say it all the time but the key to losing weight…and keeping it off…is making it work for YOU. You can follow a strict diet & do crazy workouts but at the end of the day if it doesn’t work for your lifestyle or body, it will not stick! Trust me. I’ve done it all. I went from an overweight adolescent, to disordered eating in high school and college, to very heavy throughout most of my 20s…and now here we are. It’s still a struggle every single day. This never gets easier – and anyone who says it does is lying. However, your will power becomes stronger. The food noise – that guilt you feel after having a drink or fattening food/sweet – gets quieter. You start seeing results. You do what it takes to never get back to that unhappy place. You eventually decide you never want to look or feel like that again. No slip-ups, injuries, health issues, or life mishaps interfere. One day it all clicks and you gain freedom (&a confidence) in your own skin.

Before my Shred (2/2017) >>Now

I will continue to post about my modified shred diet & workout regimen in the coming weeks. I’m also currently working together with my gym to create beginner workout videos that anyone can do anywhere! Look out for those gems coming to YouTube soon! Stick with me and I will help get you on the path to being confident in your own skin. It won’t be easy…but I promise it WILL be worth it.

“But you don’t look anorexic…” Yet I was. I struggled throughout high school. I was never clinically diagnosed. I didn’t know I had a problem. I was never super skinny or an unhealthy weight.

L-R: High school >> College >> Now

It was during National Eating Disorder Awareness week last month that this came to mind. I open up about so much…yet I never really opened up about my own disordered eating. I spent most of my life not even recognizing it as a “real” problem. I always thought that because I wasn’t diagnosed and because I was never underweight…I didn’t have a problem. But I did. I just didn’t know any better. I do now…so I’m sharing my story. Maybe it will help one of you out there to recognize a problem that you don’t even know exists.

I suffered from a variation of Anorexia known as Atypical Anorexia. A person suffering from this disorder will have many of the same symptoms as those with Anorexia. The difference is that the person will exhibit those symptoms without weight loss. They are often within or above normal weight range, making their appearance “atypical.” According to the National Eating Disorder Association, a person struggling with Atypical Anorexia may exhibit an extreme fear of being fat or of any weight changes and resort to abnormal eating behaviors such as calorie counting, cutting out certain foods/food groups, avoiding social events and functions that involve food, and more. Many individuals who have Atypical Anorexia may not even realize that they are struggling with a severe and deadly eating disorder, simply due to the weight stigma that surrounds this disease. A person may think, “I am not sick enough to have an eating disorder,” because he/she may be within or above a normal weight range. That’s exactly what happened to me.

My weight struggles began as a child. By the time I entered high school, I weighed in at 180lbs. Teen years are hard for every kid but it was especially hard on me. I watched as all of my friends got boyfriends, went on dates, had their first kiss…while I was left behind. Looking back on it now, I wasn’t all that far behind…but back then it felt like the end of the world. I was bigger than all of my friends. I couldn’t wear the same cute clothes everyone else did. Shopping was my worst nightmare. By sophomore year, I felt lost. I had plenty of friends but I hated myself…and how I looked. I went into a very bad depression. By senior year, after numerous diets failed to make me look how I wanted, I decided to control it myself. I decided that I would eat one thing per day. It started as one meal. It morphed into much worse. It got to the point where I was eating one thing per day – a cracker or a sour gummy worm (if I thought I needed a little sugar). This went on for a while until eventually I made myself sick to my stomach. I remember thinking that night about the day camp that I worked at every summer. Thinking about those little girls who I sometimes babysat…and whom I was a cheerleading coach during camp. I was only 17 but I distinctly remember that being the point where I changed my mindset..somewhat. I decided to start eating again. I didn’t want to set a bad example for those little girls.

While I did begin eating, it wasn’t a lot…probably not nearly what my body actually needed. However, I WAS eating. That fall, I began college at SUNY New Paltz. I got to be away from home and make a lot of new friends on a beautiful campus and town! That mystique was short lived. A couple of months into my first semester, I developed severe stomach issues (which still plague me today) and ended up having to come home. My weight struggles weren’t over and neither was my poor relationship with food. I was eating but I definitely wasn’t eating well. I looked to celebrities and various articles for guidance but most of them steered me down a bad path. I tried every diet from one my doctor recommended called the “Scarsdale diet” to the South Beach diet, which I only did because Jessica Simpson did it for Dukes of Hazard. The summer before my senior year of college, I LIVED at the gym. I divided my time between the gym and the beach. I commonly refer to that as the skinniest (and best looking) summer of my entire life. It was. I got down to 130lbs, which to date, is the smallest I’ve ever been. While the number was great…nothing else was. I wasn’t eating well. I was partying a lot and compensating with extra time on the treadmill. I always did fasted workouts…even if i was doing strength training. The scale may have been nice to read…but my body didn’t really reflect that number. I wasn’t super toned and I sure wasn’t healthy. That lifestyle caught up with me once I got into a serious relationship and stopped my 2+ hour daily workouts. I put a lot of weight on. I tried to control it and maintain my hard work but because I never changed my lifestyle…it was next to impossible. Over the next few years, I was in and out of jobs and kept myself in an unhealthy relationship. My weight continued to climb as my confidence kept plummeting. By 2010 I was up to 210lbs, my all-time highest weight. I knew it was bad but I had very little motivation and no idea how to change it.

Two years later, I finally had enough. I was done going through the motions of life. I was watching the Biggest Loser (season 14) and really connected with the contestants. I realized at that moment that I could do it – I could actually turn my life around! I started educating myself properly on nutrition and exercise. I began going to the gym a few days per week. I started out doing mostly cardio but as I learned more, and built more strength, I was able to incorporate weights into my routine. My metabolism is all but broken but after about a year of very hard work I was able to lose a little over 70lbs and go from squeezing into a size 14…to comfortably wearing a size 2/4.

I won’t lie and say that I’m 100% cured. I still struggle with things everyday. I worry that my recent surgery and modified workouts are setting me back. My clothes still fit but I see the scale climbing and my body losing the muscle that I worked so incredibly hard for. I’ve become very busy with my job(s) and while I love what I do and where I am…my diet has not been the best. There are meals that I skip. There are late dinners. It makes me worry…but I don’t let that stop me anymore. My mindset has completely changed. I may have these worries but I don’t let them consume me anymore. If I want to have a beer, a piece of candy, or buffalo wings…I have it. No guilt. I have finally realized something I should’ve realized years ago – life is way too short to spend it at war with yourself…and with food. For the first time in my whole life, I can honestly say I am not just existing…I’m actually living (and loving) life. Things aren’t perfect but I am doing my best to make the most of everyday.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please seek help. Encourage open dialogue with the people in your life…especially children/teens. Let’s break the silence on this horrible epidemic. Let’s Fight to be Fit together.

I’m about a week late but…Happy 3-year Blogiversary to all of us!! Thank you all for your continued support as we Fight to be Fit!

I had big plans for this little blog last year but life had different ideas. 2016 was a rough year for most of us…and I was no exception. I suffered a major setback with my health, in the form of severe chronic fatigue and the reappearance of my PCOS symptoms. On top of that, my shoulder finally gave out on me & I had no choice but to undergo surgery. It’s been a really long road…but I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

For starters, I’m officially 3-months post op! Although I still have pain, I’m 1000% better than I was before. My range of motion isn’t perfect but it’s definitely improved. I’m finally able to raise my arms above my head without pain, which is something I haven’t been able to do in over two years! Despite my progress, I get in my head a lot. I think about how hard I worked and where I was before this injury happened. My workouts have resumed but they are nothing like they once were. It’s a huge adjustment mentally but I’m trying my very best to focus on the positives. I may not be able to lift heavy or do the exercises I once loved, but I will be able to soon. Deep down I know that if I push myself too far too soon, I will only make matters worse…and set myself back even further.

As far as my health goes, I have good and bad days. My chronic fatigue has gotten much better, which I believe is due in large part to a supplement called Adrenal Restore. That shit is magic. I wrote a whole review about it last year…and everything still holds true today. My PCOS symptoms have been horrible. I’ve developed pretty debilitating migraines, which sent me to the ER earlier in the year. All things considered though, that’s been mostly under control and since that episode have rarely happened.

The surgery mixed with my health issues definitely set me back with my weight loss. I gained back a good 20lbs over the last year….and it definitely wasn’t muscle. I went from weighing over 200lbs to getting myself ripped to something in the middle.

I won’t pretend that I’m happy about the setbacks or that I’m proud of where I’m at. However, despite my physical setbacks I learned that mentally I’m stronger than ever. Sure I have bad days like everyone else…but rather than get discouraged by the bad I’m using it as motivation. I know if I keep working hard and stick to a (mostly) clean diet, I will see great results. Hell, I’m already seeing some drastic improvements!

November 2016 >> December 2016

Being on a weight loss journey really teaches you the art of patience…and about yourself. We are all much stronger than we know and it’s not until we are truly put to the test that we realize our full potential. That being said, I won’t make any elusive promises or grand gestures as we go into our 4th year. My goal is simple: continue to inspire all of you reading and give you all hope that no matter how hard life gets or what obstacles you face, it IS possible. After all, nothing worth having comes easy 🙂

Let’s all continue this Fight to be Fit together throughout 2017…& beyond!

I recently saw this quote on social media and it really stuck with me. Lately, I’ve been going through a really tough time and despite my best efforts, I’ve let the stress from my personal and professional life really get the best of me. It’s really gotten me to a point where I never feel well and my workouts suffer. This time last year, I finished a very strict challenge that I gave myself. The result had me in the best shape of my whole life. This year…is an entirely different ball game.

Birthday girl last year vs. this year

I love to work out. I love how it makes me feel. However, I’ve been in such a rut lately that my workouts haven’t been consistent and my diet, while mostly healthy, has also been hit or miss. As a result, even my blogging has suffered.

This year, my plan was to exercise just as hard and eat clean but not be AS strict as I was last year. I wanted to see if I could look how I did by living normally. I also wanted to make sure to not lose all of the muscle that I built during the winter. BUT I never gave myself that chance. Quite frankly, even when I did the Whole30 diet, things didn’t go well. I blamed the diet but I really do think that my stomach has been such a mess from the stress, no diet will be able to fix it right now. Sometimes you have to fix your situation before anything else can fall into place. I’m learning more and more that some of my stomach issues are, in fact, stress-related.

My birthday is this weekend and with it also comes 10 years since I graduated college. My life is nothing like I expected it to be 10 years ago…and maybe that’s another part of my rut. I’ve worked so hard to transform my life and make changes to better myself but many things are still lacking. I had a very clear plan for myself….for much of my life…and it just hasn’t happened. I know they say you have to take control of your own destiny…but I’ve found that every time I make a plan, it somehow fails me. I guess the saying that we plan and God laughs must be true…and if so, I’m sure I’ve had him cracking up for years.

Despite years of disappointment, I am going to attempt to reboot myself….again. With a new found (and somewhat unexpected) freedom in my professional life, I would like to explore the possibility of turning my passion for fitness into a full-fledged career. My original career plan of sports broadcasting may not have worked out…but maybe that wasn’t what I was meant to do. I have always loved helping/teaching others and I would love nothing more than to take all of the knowledge that I’ve built up over the last few years and use it to help others in their own journeys. In the coming weeks, I will be exploring every avenue possible to pursue just that. My first course of action will likely be to get my personal trainer certification…but we shall see. With everything happening in my personal life, I’m thinking that having the flexible schedule that comes with being a fitness coach/trainer would be amazing.

Some things happen in life that we can’t control. However, I’ve learned that its better to keep moving and live life rather than dwell on the negatives and let life pass you by. I may not look how I want to look on my birthday…or be where I expected to be when I graduated 10 years ago…but that’s life. I fully intend on enjoying this weekend and, above all, getting the relaxation that I so desperately need. It’s time to make the best of what I have and find strength from my struggles. I know that it will all be worth it in the end. After all, nothing worth having comes easy.

Tonight I was in a bit of a food rut. I purposely ran my stock low since I was supposed to begin the Whole 30 Diet this week. However, with an upcoming road trip to Philadelphia I decided to postpone the diet by one week. That, combined with the neverending snow (resulting in my inability to get to my favorite supermarket), has my stockpile running crazy low. I got tired of soup and carb-heavy dishes so I walked up to my local supermarket with a mission to find a protein. Since they are a neighborhood store they tend to be overpriced but I figured at the very least I could always just get a rotisserie chicken and use leftovers for lunch and whatnot. Boy was I surprised at what I found. Turkey cutlets…for a good price! Turkey cutlets are RARELY inexpensive so I tend to not buy them as often as I would like but I definitely lucked out tonight. I got a pack, which was about a pound, for only $2.99! I usually grill my cutlets but tonight I wanted them breaded so I came up with a healthier alternative to a fried classic. Instead of drowning the cutlets in oil, I only drizzled enough to barely coat the pan. I did have to drizzle the pan twice, since the cutlets had to be cooked in batches however, it was still a very small amount and significantly less than what you would normally use for cutlets. I also cut down some calories by only using an egg white rather than the whole egg. The result was a lighter, very tasty dinner. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my latest culinary creation….Enjoy! 🙂

Turkey Cutlets

One pack of turkey cutlets

1/2 cup of breadcrumbs

1 egg white

ground sage

black pepper

pinch of salt

paprika

olive oil

-Lightly whisk one egg white in a bowl. On a separate plate, mix together all dry ingredients. Set both aside.

-Drizzle olive oil in a grill pan and set heat to medium high.

-While pan heats, begin dredging the cutlets in egg wash and breadcrumbs. Once coated, place the cutlets in the grill pan. Cook for approximately 5-7 minutes on each side.

Serve alongside your favorite veggies or with a salad. I served mine with a side of roasted sweet potatoes and string beans. Super simple, super fast, and best of all…healthy! Bon Appetit everyone 🙂

I’ve been a part of Influenster for a while now and they have some pretty great products. Recently, they have sent me things to review on this blog. The latest? This new Dry Spray deodorant from Dove.

I was really excited to receive a Dove product, as I am an avid user of their products. However, this made me hesitant because I’ve never been one to use spray deodorants. Quite frankly, I don’t trust that something that goes on wet will actually keep me dry. Well….this spray proved me wrong.

The spray goes on in a thin layer and is dry within seconds. It also doesn’t leave any marks on your clothing (see picture below.) I decided since I was hitting the gym hard today, I would put this spray to the test…and I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome. If I’m being completely honest…it worked even better than my regular stick deodorant.

I highly recommend this product. Whether you’re putting in hard work at the gym or at the office, this product will work wonders. Go check it out! 🙂