I woke up the day after Christmas and said, “It’s over.” All the decorating, partying, traveling, shopping, eating, visiting is over for the year. And as much as I love the Christmas season, I’m always happy for it to go too.

Our first Christmas as a family of 5 really could not have gone better. We traveled to see my extended family in and around Maryland the weekend before Christmas. It was a very, very long ride that I was tense about. Three kids for 9 hours, two of which like to argue? Yeah, I was a little nervous. But they totally blew me away. Jac0b traveled really, really well and was always up for whatever we were doing or whomever’s house we were going to next. He amazes me how resilient he is. So many changes and new people and he just goes along with us. It doesn’t pass my attention that transition and new environments and people could be a huge issue for some. So thankful we don’t have that in the mix. The kids had their moments, you know, but our trip went really well.

Back at home, we had a wonderful Christmas morning together. He went straight for the biggest presents and was truly ecstatic by a few. His reactions were so much fun. I especially think he loved his new soccer goal for the backyard. The girls, too. Emma’s favorite was her karaoke machine and Lexi loves her new tablet. Their faces and reactions are my favorite part of Christmas.

I wasn’t sure how to handle his birth family for the holiday but I decided to let him lead. If he had questions or brought them up, we’d talk about it or pray for them or whatever seemed right but it never came up.

In fact, the last few weeks since our finalization have truly seemed to settle everyone out. It helps that we’ve been together full-time since then. The stability has been good.

I’m very happy to welcome the new year this week. As much as 2014 has blessed us, it also has been very hard. I feel like right now is such a good time to make a clean cut and start 2015 strong and stable as a new family.

I’m enjoying another few days off from work before I really get into this swing of things again. I’ll be back here this week with some lessons I’m carrying over from the year, perhaps my favorite books and perhaps my goals for the year.

I hope your Christmas was fantastic. Would love to hear your favorite present or moment! My favorite is Lexi opening a horn for her bike and yelling, “I got a honker!!”

I’ve hinted at it a bit in the last few posts, but the past few weeks has had some difficult moments. Some time in October we felt like we’d hit a breaking point and things were on the upswing. But then, it seems that we began trekking through another difficult time. I heard that this is normal–to rotate through peaks and valleys during transition.

Jac0b’s teachers felt like he was “off”, Jac0b and Lexi started butting heads again, even Scott and I weren’t getting along. Last Monday Lexi “ran away” to our side yard. I had to have a “pep talk” with her, as she calls them. Once we signed the final adoption papers at the beginning of November and then got our court date, it seems Satan went on the attack again trying to cause strife in our family.

But then this weekend.

This long holiday weekend was exactly what we needed.

On Thursday for Thanksgiving, we ate lunch and dinner with our families in town. I was sitting at dinner and thinking back to one of our first dinners at my parents’ after we got Jac0b and realizing how much better I knew him. I knew which dishes on the table he would eat and which he wouldn’t. I had an idea of how much food he could eat. I could tell how far to push with him and knew when Scott’s banter was too much. I wasn’t just so entirely grateful that last year he wasn’t at our table and this year he was, but that these 4 months of hard work were paying off. We know each other so much better now.

And then, as we were eating, I noticed that Lexi and Jac0b were unnecessarily shoulder to shoulder eating their dinner. In fact, the entire weekend all 3 kids spent the weekend playing nice with each other.

Jac0b hasn’t gotten an “X” on his behavior chart in nearly a week. In fact, somewhere on Friday he said, “Why isn’t there anything on any of these days?” He was working so hard this weekend to get more and more checkmarks (we give for sharing, going the extra mile, compliments, etc).

He told me Friday night while I was putting him to bed that he was excited to go to court (17 days!). I was ecstatic because it’s the first time he’s indicated to me he was happy about it. I mean, I knew it meant a lot to him, but he hasn’t expressed downright excitement about it. He told us he wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese on the court date to celebrate and he said he was excited to go there too. I asked him which he was more excited about and he said, “Court.” Melt my heart!

I can tell our relationship is making progress too because he’s started to connect me with good things.

He found that I had picked out his favorite ice cream in the freezer and I heard him in the kitchen say, “Lexi, Mommy has mint ice cream!” I love that he attributed it to me. He’s learning that I pay attention and give him good things.

When he was doing his DORE exercises and got a good assessment on that round, he made a point to come in the other room where I was and say, “Mommy, I got all easy on my exercises today.” He was playing cool, but I could tell he was proud of himself and I couldn’t be more happy that he wanted me to be proud of him too.

Sunday afternoon we were walking through some stores in town where it was all girl-stuff. He said, “This is why I didn’t want to be in this family!” He’s made comments before about not wanting two (annoying) sisters. But then, he quickly corrected himself and said, “I mean, I AM happy to be in this family.” A few months ago, he would have let the first barb sit there, not caring that our feelings were probably hurt.

Sunday night he was leaving after dinner to go play with a neighbor and he came right back inside and said with such wonder, “Mommy, Mr. Rich has his lights up!” We’d been waiting all week for the big light-up. I followed him outside and our neighbor had outdone himself. I literally almost started crying at Jac0b’s childlike wonder at the lights and how they were truly beautiful–and how he came to get me to see them too.

I suppose I share all those little snippets of our weekend to simply say this first Thanksgiving weekend together couldn’t have gone better. I hope this is yet another turning point. I’m sure it’s possible once we jump back into routine of school and work that tensions might rise again, but this long weekend was just the respite that we all needed.

I couldn’t be leaving this first Thanksgiving weekend of ours more grateful and ready to jump into the Advent season. I hope you and yours had a good one too.

One really nice side effect of adopting out of the foster care system is getting a new perspective on parenthood.

We parents do a great job of beating ourselves up. We could spend 16 hours a day making meals, carting kids around to lessons, dishing out discipline, reading books, playing family games, refereeing sibling fights, doing laundry, helping with homework, reminding them to brush their teeth, changing diapers, giving baths, and we still get to the end of the day and say Man, I did a really bad job at parenting today. Why can’t I get myself together?

I don’t know where these expectations of the perfect parent were created, but I know so many of us try to live up to them and live in a constant state of defeat.

In the process of adopting Jac0b, I’ve learned just how much the little things matter to raising independent, compassionate, productive adults.

You really are getting so much right and want to encourage you in those things today.

Showing up. The simple fact that you are showing up is a huge win. Seriously guys, I don’t care if you sit on the couch all day and do nothing, the simple fact that you show up is a huge win. That doesn’t mean that you can’t ever leave. It just means when you do leave, the kids understand where you’re going, you go where you say you’re going and you show back up when you say you will. Maybe you have to do it by phone because you’re out of town, but do they know you’re out of town? Maybe you are divorced and don’t have them for the week, but are they cared for? If yes, you’ve shown up for them. Huge lessons of trust by just showing up.

Feeding your kids. I don’t care if it’s roast beef and mashed potatoes or McDonald’s. The simple fact that your kids are getting food in their bellies 3 times a day and not having to figure it out on their own or go without is huge. They are learning trust in huge doses. And believe me when I say even though you are worrying about their health with fast food, they probably prefer it.

Taking them to school. I don’t care if you homeschool, pay for private school or send them to public school. The simple fact that you are actually getting them to a place to learn is a big deal.

Caring for their needs. For younger ones, this looks like changing their diapers or giving them baths. For older ones, this might look like applying a band-aid to a scrape or helping with homework. Having someone react to them when there’s a problem—HUGE.

Correcting bad behavior. This includes all the annoying things kids do. Commenting loudly in public about a stranger, hitting someone when they’re mad, calling someone a name, snatching things out people’s hands, not saying thank you, etc. All of these things are TEDIOUS to correct as a parent, but it’s huge. This helps them be adults that are capable of having friends and jobs.

Encouraging them. Whether it’s when they share, or hold a door, or clean up after themselves after dinner, or they just look cute for the day, it’s HUGE for them to have someone behind them that believes in them.

And as a bonus:

Family moments. This includes all the extra things you do through the year…walks around the neighbhorhood, trips to the library, afternoons at the playground, pumpkin patches, trick or treating, birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, fireworks at July 4th, beach trips, visits to the zoo, the roller rink, bowling. These do not have to be expensive, blogworthy, Pinterest pretty moments. Just simple efforts. It may feel like it’s not important and superfluous but it’s not. You’re teaching your kids about the world around them and it’s huge.

I was talking with the principal of our school and they said one kid they were helping came to school knowing nothing about how the world around her worked. She didn’t know what a police officer or fireman was. They had to show her videos in the morning before school teaching her about her world. All of these trips and conversations and pointing out the fire trucks? HUGE.

That’s it.

And here’s what I know if you’re reading this. You’re doing so much more than that.

But hear me when I say these simple things of consistently showing up, getting them their basic needs and trying to make them into halfway likable people is A LOT. It doesn’t feel like a lot because you’re doing it by default, but it is. It really is enough. The simple things are teaching them trust and love and integrity and compassion and boundaries and about the world around them.

Sadly, Jac0b came to us not getting a lot of what I just listed. I honestly never realized how big of a deal just showing up was until 3 months ago. Seriously, when you get to the end of a hard day and you want to beat yourself up, pat yourself on your back if in some way you showed up for your kids.

The gymnastics lessons, the perfect grades, the trip to New York, the cooking lessons, the brand name outfits, the 3-point nightly sermons, the completely organized play room, the perfectly decorated holiday tablescape, etc, etc. those are great, but please, let’s not beat ourselves up about not doing them at the end of the day. They are GRAVY.

I wrote Monday’s post about ADHD and DORE last Friday and was feeling all the good feelings about where we were with the adoption transition. Well, that couldn’t last too long, could it?

I’m not a fan of a super busy lifestyle. In fact, did you know there’s a thing called Busy Lifestyle Syndrome? You start having memory lapses, feel overwhelmed and can’t handle stress. It’s not something to aspire to.

But we all have those weeks, right? Well, mine went sort of like this.

Friday was Halloween so I got all 3 kids ready and carted them around for a few hours (yes, I know, all of you other parents did this too. Gold star, everyone!). I helped organize a coffee event for our church on Sunday so I organized a bunch of that on Saturday, did some laundry and got the kids to my niece’s birthday party Saturday night.

Sunday morning we attended two services, set up the church for the event, ate lunch, finished setting up for the event, attended and helped host the coffee event. I dumped all the decorations back at my mom’s and did a quick grocery store run while my sister and her husband (!) agreed to watch the kids a little longer. I think I finally stopped about 8pm after a full day of running around. Did I mention that Scott worked 36 hours over the weekend while all this was happening?

Monday was Lexi’s birthday so I had to get cupcakes to her lunch and then host the family for dinner Monday night.

Tuesday I was gone at the office from 7am to 6pm (thank you Charlotte traffic for continually getting worse), grabbed some food at Moe’s, did an hour of algebra with Emma and then crashed.

I’m not bemoaning any of that. I love, love, love to do all of those things (OK, not laundry or traffic. And yes, even algebra.). I’m just saying all of that in 5 days was a lot. All of that meant I was short on patience and hurrying through everything.

Monday evening I thought all of the progress we had made with the adoption transition must have went out the door. By Monday night, Lexi was crying in her room asking why we ever adopted and Jac0b was talking about leaving as soon as he was 18. Not the kind of soul-nourishing conversations I wanted to be having during a busy few days. (We’re fine. Really.)

I’m exhausted this week and it’s only Wednesday.

I know the past few posts have been super positive and it seems like things are going well, and they are. But let’s be clear, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. And this is not even adoption related, really. We all have busy seasons and November is always, always ours.

So, I suppose this is simply a confessional post, but I thought I’d share 3 (super unspiritual) things that I’m into right now that are helping to lighten the load.

The Mindy Project

Scott and I have been blowing through this show on Hulu. Admittedly, it’s crass at times, but it’s funny. Really funny. Mindy + Danny 4EVA

Has anyone read Mindy’s book? I’m wondering if it’s worth the time. As much as I enjoy the show, it seems like I would like it.

Taylor Swift’s 1989

Taylor Swift’s new album is on repeat everywhere I go. I’m obsessed with “Blank”. What’s your favorite?

Relay App

I saw Jen Hatmaker post about this new app Relay that has animated gifs you can text your friends. I had Lexi download it and we’re having a blast on it together. Look me up as @amyjbennett if you’d like to have some nonsensical fun.

At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post talking about goals for the year. I mused that this might be the year we adopt. It was a far off hope when I wrote it. Little did I know in July we would meet our son.

Although I didn’t write it because it felt a bit premature, I internally hoped it may also be the year that my sister married Matt. They’d only been dating for about a month at the time, but I felt it was a good possibility with how things were progressing.

While I held hope for both of these things, I couldn’t have anticipated at the time that either would actually come to fruition by the end of the year.

How awesome has it been to see both of those come to life.

2014: The Year of Double Completion

God has been whispering this year to me that the two are tied together. I don’t think the timing of our adoption and Matt and Heather’s marriage is a happy accident. In fact, I believe our son Jac0b and my sister’s new husband Matt have a God-ordained bond, which we have yet to see even the beginnings of.

Seven is a significant number in Scripture. I can’t begin to tell you all the ways it is used, but suffice it to say that God specifically used the number 7 to show himself. The root actually has 3 meanings: seven, full/complete/perfection, and oath.

At times, God used multiples of 7 to have specific meaning. You might remember Jesus saying to forgive your enemy not 7 times, but 7 times 70 times. This is a reference to the 7th time Noah’s name was used when God described him as perfect. The word that was used to mean perfect was Thamim. In Hebrew, words also have a numerical value. Each symbol is a number and when the letters are added together, the resulting word also has a numerical value. Thamim’s numerical value is 490, the product of 70 times 7.

You can actually see all the different multiples of 7 that are used in Scripture here. Sometimes it is to show his power, the cross, truth, the fullness of the Gentiles.

So, the original word and number have a specific meaning, but when multiplied, it has a different, but still significant meaning, particularly with the number 7.

I believe God has used 14 as a significant number, and multiple of 2 and 7, to show how He has worked in me and my sister’s lives through her husband and my son.

The number 2 is used to represent a union and 7 is perfection or completion. So, 14 implies a double measure of spiritual perfection, or indicates double completion.

Our family has prayed for years for these two people. I don’t find it accidental that in the year 2014 that they have come into our lives. Our families are becoming more complete and we are giving legal oaths to these two people to make them family.

I mean, think about this, year 14 hasn’t happened for a whole century and won’t happen again for another whole century. It’s not like this could happen often. And what are the chances that at 34 my sister would get married after some matchmaking from a friend and after years of being in the system, we would be matched with our son all in the same year. I would say we both have a heavenly matchmaker that wants it to be made known that he’s done it!

I have seen several other correlations between the adoption and their marriage, and specifically between Matt and Jac0b.

Scripture

On Friday at the wedding, the pastor closed out the wedding ceremony by sharing a verse that Matt and Heather picked out. It was a popular one from Joshua, As for me and me and my house, we will serve the Lord. I was able to share, in video, that night my toast to the couple. Now is the perfect time to start Learning to dive. I shared how they had traveled with Heather on her broken road, transformed her and now brought someone into her life to share it with.

Just 2 days later we sat in church this weekend and do you know what played on the screen? A video that Scott and I filmed about our adoption. Do you know what the sermon was about? Joshua. And do you know what verse the pastor closed his sermon with? As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

Dates

Once I made these connections, I began thinking of other ways 14 played a part in this and then realized: Matt and Heather’s wedding was October 24th and exactly 14 days later we will be signing final adoption papers for Jac0b on November 7th, 90 days after Jac0b was placed with us on August 7th.

Names

It then hit me both Matt and Jac0b share Biblical first names that are linked. Jac0b—the father of the Israelites and Matthew, an apostle of Jesus.

In the gospel of Matthew, Matthew writes Jesus’s genealogy. There are 3 sets of 14 generations between Abraham and Joseph, including 2 Jac0bs. The first, is the son of Isaac and the second is Jesus’s grandfather (who knew?).

Matt and Jac0b also share the exact same middle name Ryan. And do you know that the name Ryan means “little King” or “kingly?”

Uncle and Nephew

Now, hold on to your hats, people, because this final connection is crazy. I started seeing all these themes of 14 outside of the year 2014 and got super dorky. I really felt like there was a piece of this puzzle I was still missing so I went looking.

I started trying to find Hebrew words that had a numerical value of 14. Symbols in Hebrew can also be used to denote numbers, so you can add up the letters in the word and come up with a numerical value of the word. So, you could have a 10 + 4 = 14 or a 5 + 5 + 4 = 14, or I felt like in our case, the 7 + 7 = 14 would be more appropriate. A 7 in Hebrew is the letter Zayin and if you put two of those together you get זז, the numerical value of the word is 14 and it means “moving” (thank you, Google Translate). On one site I found, it actually has this expanded definition:

to boil; to warm or move (the heart); to love; and object of love, a beloved; a friend; uncle; nephew, pr.n. “David” = “Beloved”; boiler, pot, kettle; basket.

Oh my gosh, did you catch that? Moving love like in between uncle and nephew?? That’s what Matt and Jac0b are as of Friday.

And just to put it over the top, my name means beloved which is another definition of the same Hebrew word.

Are you kidding me?

God is so faithful to his people. If he never does another single thing, he has confirmed that He has moved, that he has blessed us, that he is with us. I know I can speak for our families to say as for us, we will serve the Lord.

I do believe, though, that there is something special between Matt and Jac0b. I have seen some inklings over the past months how they have already challenged each other. We have yet to see the extent to which this will go, but let me choose this day to say I see God moving and anxiously await his work.

Let this be an encouragement to you that God is in the details of your life right now. Maybe he feels absent and uncaring. But if we seek him and follow his ways and his direction, he absolutely will create beauty when we least expect it and in ways that will simply blow our minds.

This weekend this couple became husband and wife. Witnessing it was one of the greatest pleasures of my life.

Words simply escape me on not just how beautiful the wedding was, but how beautiful it was to see two people who have been through so much come together with so much happiness and love for each other. I said it in my toast and I’ll say it here–I’ve never seen my sister happier than I have in the last year.

Heather wrote this on the morning of her wedding day.

If you see me crying today it’s tears of joy and being humbled by the journey that brought me to this day and to this wonderful man. He is truly a gift that I do not deserve. It has been a journey that required me to surrender all of my past hurt, mistakes, doubt and pain to God. Then to trust HIM first with my heart before bringing someone into my life that would protect it. To allow God to heal me and make me whole. Today is my testimony of that. Today is a celebration of what God has done and what He will do through our marriage!!

God did the beautiful work of redemption. Heather was satisfied in Him, but then, God in all his glory and grace gave her a husband to share the rest of her journey.

Our family loves Matt so much and I am so excited for the two of them. “Happily Ever After” was a theme of the wedding and the day truly was like a fairytale. My sister looked like a beautiful princess and her prince could not love her more.

I don’t have all the pictures from the wedding. I’ll let the professionals share all the pictures when they’re ready.

However, Heather’s father-in-law put together the gathered pictures we have and put it against the song that Matt’s twin sister Angie sang during the ceremony, a song by Matthew West called “When I Say I Do”.