Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Saccarine Movie and TV Monsters

"Michele"

One of the most annoying features of modern day T.V., and movies is the phenomena of the "cute" kid.

Basically this consists of a "cute" child being "cute" to the point of inducing diabetes. The trademarks of this species of sub-humanity are a certain fake cloying sentimentality combined with lots of "cute" pouting and a extremely whining voice. The proper response to such a thing is to immediately put it out of its misery by killing it.

A classic example of the "cute" syndrome is the following scene from The Phantom Menace. Young Anakin is talking to someone and says the following in the following manner. First his hair is cut in the familiar "cute" mop top fashion to make him look "cute". Anakin moves his head sideways to look "cuter", then he puffs up his cheeks and pouts his lips and says in a whiny "cute" manner "My mommy always told me that this would be a better Universe if people were nice to each other". A truly hideous moment of mega saccharine. Now since the actor who plays Anakin was more or less alright in the rest of the movie and not anywhere near so stomach turning, we can rest assured that this moment was brought to us by George Lucas. More proof of his surrender to sick kiddie "cutedom".

In T.V. the most "memorable" moments of saccharine horror were provided by the Olson twins who played Michele in Full House, one of the most purely evil sitcoms ever. The mileage they got out of the Olson twins 'cute" pouting and mispronunciations is truly amazing and a clear example of child abuse. When Michele was no longer so "cute" they replaced her with mop top red haired twins, and caused deaths by sugar overdose.

From Opie to Gary Coleman the acres and acres of "cute" kids on T.V. is positively amazing and horrible, and generally proof of a complete lack of creativity. Its of interest that it is adults who generally find such kids entertaining, actual children tend to despise them has goody two shoes who should be beaten black and blue.

Sometime in the future I will talk about reasonably "real" kids on T.V.