A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you promise to quit bugging me.

Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie Paramedic)?

A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.

Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?

A. No.

Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?

A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back.

Q. How fast will your ambulance go?

A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely.

Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor).

A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts, he will survive.

Q. Can I have a band-aid?

A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need?

Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).

A. Plane crash!

Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).

A. Plane crash!

Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)

A. Shark attack!

Q. What does EMT stand for?

A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician

Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?

A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you sorry you asked?

Q. Why did you bring the patient here?

A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!

Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?

A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.

Thanks to Martin Schiavenato for this hilarious top 10 list! Check out Martin's publishing company, Bandido Books, for some of the best clinical guides on the market, including the Quick-E series of clinical pocket reference books by specialty (see our Book Shop for our review of the Quick-E Critical Care Clinical Nursing Reference Book).