“Great Speech,” if only you’d given it on January 21st, 2001. You seem to believe insulting us is the way to get through to us. Fair enough! We’ll try to get through to you in kind.
In case it blew right past you, 80% of the American people think that what went wrong with this once great country of ours is you and your fellow neo-con/spendthrifts. Oh, this country will be great again, once we’ve scraped the neo-con off our shoes.
And if you think quitting like Nixon can keep you from being impeached, guess again. Congress can impeach and convict you and Olde Two-Face to prevent you both from collecting your pensions (oh, and by the way, to clear the way for court trials) even after you slink from office.
In case you and the numerically challenged in your administration haven’t tallied up the latest polls, we’ve been fed up with you fools for years. Mostly because, while your pitiful party ruled all three branches of government, you neo-con numbskulls fumbled the ball and screwed up the known world, both foreign and domestic.
Let’s start locally, shall we? We know it’s hard for a ‘C’ student , but try to keep up with the numbers. Clinton gave us an unemployment rate of 4%. You’ll be lucky to come in under 6%. The reason it’s not higher? Too many job seekers have given up on “Bush-League-O-nomics”. The Clinton years netted 22 million new jobs. The miserable 5 million under you’re feeble reign doesn’t even keep up with our population growth. More of the minority increase in home ownership will be in default than will actually own those homes before we finally shove YOU out the door. And don’t start us on all the small businesses that will go bust from your deregulated financial meltdown before we finally kick YOU to the curb.
Oh, and thanks for that “gReAt StOcK MaRkEt”. The Dow’s up all of 9% since the Supremes crowned you “Resident Select” of the Oval Office 8 years ago. If we want a measly 1% a year, we’ll leave our money in the check book. Stocks rose 209% under Clinton. Can you count to 209? (Try taking off your socks.) And while you’re whining about the hard numbers, the reason gas is so high is because you dim-bulbs screwed up the dollar. How? (Pay attention now and sit up straight) BY DRIVING THIS GREAT COUNTRY INTO DEBT DEEPER AND FASTER THAN AT ANY TIME IN OUR HISTORY!
It took 200 years for these United States of America to acquire a $1 trillion debt, and that includes two world wars! In just 12 years of “Reagon/Bush-O-nomics” it Quadrupled! In case you zoned out again, that means Daddy and the Dunderhead drove the debt to $4 trillion! Clinton struggled to get that massive debt under control and finally built up three years of SURPLUSSES! (Which you and Smirky and Tom Delay quickly squandered on your corrupt Party-pals.) It only took 8 years for you and the rest of the mental midgets in the West Wing to drive the national debt to $9.7 trillion. “In other words…” it took Daddy and the Dunderhead 12 years to add $3 trillion to the debt. You only took 8 years to heap on another $4 trillion more. To someone with your mental deficits that may look like progress, but, to the rest of us, counting on your children to pay off your credit card just seems worse than irresponsible. Let’s see if we can dumb this down so you and the rest of the trickle-down bed-wetters can grasp it.
WHIPPING OUT THE CREDIT CARD IS NOT AN ECONOMIC POLICY!
The dollar is just a promise to pay. When other countries see you and your greedy friends have no intension of paying your debts, they drop the dollar like a stinkin’ turd and run to gold. Under Clinton, we could buy an ounce of gold for less than $300. Thanks to your fiscal malfeasance, “Your Denseness,” gold costs over $900 now. For the mathematically challenged among your Treasury Department staff, THAT’S A 3 TO 1 RATIO! Under Clinton, gas was $1.30 a gallon. Thanks to your truly boneheaded fiscal policies, you drooling ape, gas is $3.90 NOW! I’ll give you a minute to try to find two neurons to rub together. No luck? Guess what? THAT’S A 3 TO 1 RATIO! “In other words…” Clinton dollars are worth 3 times what Bush dollars are worth. (”ah know that…”) That’s why gas is 3 times what it was under Clinton! “In other words…” it takes 3 times more Bush dollars to fill the tank! What’s that about supply and demand? Look around, you bleary eyed drunkard. See any ‘70’s style gas lines? (Do you even remember the ‘70’s , or did you take that decade to sleep one off?) No gas lines? That’s because, outside the spectacular world of virtual speculation, there is no shortage of gas! OPEC just wants 3 times more Bush Bucks for the same amount of oil they sold us when Clinton was president. When Clinton left office, oil sold for about $40 a barrel. Today it’s around $120. Is that coke soaked cerebral appendage of yours detecting a pattern here? That’s OK, we’ll wait. Still no luck? THAT’S A 3 TO 1 RATIO! (“ah know that…”) Get it now, Boy George? Debt goes Up, Buck goes down. Buck goes down, Gas goes Up! Oh, now, don’t cry on us! We’ll try to come back to this part of the test after your nap.

But we Americans aren’t the only ones on this planet that you and your ditto-head dim-wits screwed. And the rest of the world knows the biggest thing they have to fear wears a neo-con’s face. We won’t measure out how much blood you’ve spilled. God will open that flood gate come judgment day, and that blood red tsunami will flush you straight to the particular hell you and Bin Laden so richly deserve. That’s not to say you and your oily pals didn’t TRY to trade blood for oil. You just failed miserably at it. (Google “miserable failure” if you’d like official confirmation on that) You and Rummy just thought you all could do it on the cheap; that you could set up that chowder head, Chalibi, as your bobble-head doll; that you could snow Sistani and drag out elections for half a decade while you siphoned off the oil. (once again, Google “miserable failure”)
Instead, the oil now belongs to the Ayatollah Sistani. He’s the one who demanded elections in a year and brought 60% of Iraqis into the streets, forcing you cowards to back off your greedy little “5 year plan”. He’s the one who got his puppet, Maliki, selected Prime Minister. He’s the one who told his rival, Al Sadr, to back off in the first years of the occupation, and has you doing his dirty work to get rid of Sadr now. He’s the one forcing a “time horizon” on you. He’s the one who conned you into kicking the Sunni’s out of the government.
And what a brilliant move that was! You picking sides in Iraq’s civil war! (What? You thought you were back in Skull&Bones, choosing sides for a Nads pick up game?!) Even Daddy wasn’t dumb enough to do that. He gave Saddam just enough leash to neutralize the Shia majority. Why? Do we really need to take your blocks away from you and spell it out? Here’s a hint. Even the Dunderhead propped Saddam up enough to counter Iran in the ‘80‘s. And who is Ayatollah Sistani, the guy who owns the Iraqi Shia heart and soul, who owns Iraqi blood and oil? He’s the guy Saddam tried to off. He’s the guy who fled to his soul mate, the Shia Ayatollah Khomeni. He’s the guy who, along with Maliki, sheltered in Iran’s warm embrace until you neo-con nimrods blundered in and took out Saddam. Now Sistani and Maliki are free to take Iraq and cuddle up with Iran. Why do you think Maliki and Ahmadinejhad spend so much time slobbering all over each other? They’re now the Shia power block! Hold hands with your Saudi Sunni boyfriends and ask them what that means.
Who do you think “won this war?” With Sistani taking Iraq and the oil, and Iran finally rid of Saddam, who do you think won this thing? Ah, now you’re bewildered, ain’t cha? It’s so easy to follow as the simple-minded sound bites play across your pasty face:
- “Saddam was a threat?” To whom? You don’t think the Zionists can fight their own battles? Israel has nukes, for-cryn-out-loud. They stole the technology from us! What? You didn’t get the memo? Why do you think Iran wants nukes too?
- “Saddam had nukes?” Even the numbest of neo-con nut-jobs can’t spew that drivel with a straight face anymore. The only reason a slimy Nad like you was able to con us back in the day was because you had Two-Face Cheney to lie about the intelligence reports. You thought you could transmogrify CIA “best guesses” into Cheney “truths” and hide it all from Congress? Sure, Clinton was suspicious of Saddam , but he wasn’t stupid enough to go to war without Tenet producing real proof! You actually thought you’d get away with it? It’ll make for juicy impeachment proceedings, anyway, you pitiful boob. Are all these little comments on his character bruising little Georgie’s self-esteem? Good! We’re startin’ ta git thru!
- “Al Qaida was Saddam’s friend?” LOL! Hang on! LOL! We’ll stop laughing in a minute! LOL!! Oh, Lordy! Every third grader knows Secular Saddam hated Imam-wanna-Been Laden. Oil and Holy Water! That’s why there was no Al Qaida in Iraq until you blundered in and fired the guys patrolling the boarders. What did you think Saddam was doing with all those helicopters Dunderhead gave him?
- “We need Democracy in the Middle East?” Whatever nattering neo-con came up with that nugget of numbskull-ery should be bronzed and dumped in the Tigris. You know what democracy in Iraq is like? It’s like the woman in full hejab who runs into the polling place on election day and proclaims, “I’m here to VOTE!” Then she looks over to the imam from her mosque who’s the poll watcher and asks, “Who do I vote for?” That’s democracy in Iraq. So who do you suppose in that vast and empty cranium of yours actually wins these “elections?” Oh, come on, not even a guess? Here’s a hint: Ayatollah Sistani owns Iraq, heart and soul, blood and oil.
So let’s talk about “The Surge”. After you blundered into Iraq and Sistani scared you into kicking the Sunnis out of government, the little Sunnis (20% of Iraq) faced the Shia (60% of Iraq) and their big American protectors. What to do?!? The Sunnis needed a big gun too! Now, if you hadn’t been whorin’ around while dodging Nam between the few times you actually showed up on base at the Texas Air National Guard, you may have heard of this salient bit of military wisdom: “The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend.” The Sunnis knew right where to find that enemy. They, too, had been fighting them for years. Unlike you blundering neo-clods, the Sunnis knew how to keep Al Qaida out of Iraq, so they also knew just how to bring them in. The Sunnis let them in with two words, “Sic ‘Em!” Oh, and what a time they had! But it wasn’t all cheers and high fives for the Sunnis as Al Qaida proceeded to pin the Dummy and the Rummy to the wall. Turns out Secular Sunnis and Religious Whack Knobs don’t mix (oil and holy water). Al Qaida was killing as many Sunnis as Americans. So, a year BEFORE “The Surge”, the Sunnis had to start kicking Al Qaida out again. Problem was, they were still in a civil war. The same civil war Saddam had been fighting with the Shia for 30 years! What to do?!? So they approached a certain General P and said, “Had enough? We know how to end your pain and get rid of Al Qaida. All you have to do is give us the same deal you gave the Shia: Big Bucks, Big Guns, and lots and lots of bullets.”
Now, we know why you knuckled to their extortion, and gave them protection to boot. Your cranial capacity only allows for so many cogent thoughts. You couldn’t coax what’s left of your JD pickled brain into thinking of a better way to stop the hemorrhaging. We get that. We just marvel at how even the stupidest twit could have gotten into this mess in the first place. It’s not like you didn’t have options. When Clinton took out Milo-son-of-a-vitch in Bosnia, he bombed the hell out of him. Then he sent the LOCALS in to mop up! You know how many guys we lost in combat? Zippo, Dumbo! What? Too “Clintonesque” a solution? Too “Rhodes Scholar?” Or is it that you and your greedy pals couldn’t get your sticky paws on the oil that way? Now, you may not have wanted Sistani to get the oil, either. But thanks to your brain dead “Democratic Iraq” idea, he owns it all anyway. At least Clinton made some friends in “Olde Europe” along with Muslim friends in and around Bosnia. Who’s your friend in Iraq? Ayatollah Sistani?
The Sunnis got rid of Al Qaida without breaking a sweat. So how do we do it? THINK, child, THINK! OK, watch our lips. “You Lop Off It’s Head!” Without it’s head, Al Qaida is just a few gangs of thugs to be mopped up by Inter-Pol. You bumbling neo-thumbs blew your best shot at Tora Bora, then were less than useless. If Barak doesn’t mind ruffling the feathers of a few Pakistani do-nothings with conflicted loyalties in order to get Bin Laden, we say, “Have at it!”
So, Big Bad Barak got you scared clear down to your trust fund, little man? All he wants is for you neo-crooks and your Skull&Bones financial enablers to reimburse us for the mess you all made, both foreign and domestic. Guess what? You made Barak! Thanks to neo-cons like Wolfowitz and Perle, Kristol and Krauthammer, Feith and the rest whispering in your ear, you spewed out losing policies that have 80% of us ready to vote for anyone who’s not you. Hell, if there were no democrats running at all, we’d rather elect an inanimate carbon rod than another mini-me Bush-alike.
We may not get to frog march you out of the White House, but we can still have you hopping into a paddy wagon in Crawford. If impeaching a guy for lying about consensual sex makes you jolly, you’ll love what we do with the charge of lying your way to war. Why impeach? After all that blood on your hands? Because it’s the only apology God wants from us for not stopping you sooner.
Pardon the length of our response to your whiny speech, but, even with your limited faculties and short attention span, you must know that 80% of 300,000,000 Americans is an awful lot of pent up frustration that must be articulated. We don’t loath you because you’re not the brightest bulb in the chandelier; a ‘C’ student who got to Harvard on Daddy’s influence; whose failing Arbusto business was bailed out by Daddy’s friends at Harken and who bailed out of Harken just in time to leave the stock holders holding the bag; whose inability to speak coherently without a speech writer to craft your sound bites may be the result of genetics or your admitted past abuse of booze and cocaine; or who lost the popular vote by 500,000 Americans before Daddy’s friends on the Supreme Court saved your sorry assets. We just never again want to let another blithering idiot steal the most cherished office in this great land.

Speaking in sympathy with the 80% in this satirical response to the fantasy speech is Gary AndrewS, author of “No Gods Before Me, the First of the Commandment Mysteries.” If he inadvertently failed to fully articulate all of our frustrations, please feel free to add your concerns and pass this along to the other 299,999,999 Americans, both foreign and domestic.
God guard our troops and fly them safely to their loved ones within 16 months from January 20th.
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