TALE OF THE TAPE

Tale Of The Tape: Team Owner’s Wife Vs. Team Owner’s Mistress

As the owner of a sports franchise, you probably have a lot of money, not to mention the many other trappings of wealth. That list — in case you’re interested in becoming a team owner, but haven’t quite saved up enough — might include big houses, fancy cars and what we’ll call an overabundance of willing partners. After all, you’re loaded. It’s very easy to turn temptation into reality, as centuries of scandal have taught us. It’s also very likely you’ll get caught, as centuries of scandal have also taught us. So at some point you’ll be faced with one inevitable question: wife or mistress? The choice you make will change your life.

Team Owner's Wife

Team Owner's Mistress

(Credit: Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

(Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Loyalty

Winner
She married you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. We'll ignore the poorer part, because really, who ever heard of a poor team owner? The rest of it, though, means she's in it for the long haul.

She knows you're rich, and married. And while she may say she loves you for your heart or your blue eyes or your witty sense of humor, she loves you for your money. Besides, 25-year-old women don't fall for 70-year-old men unless they have serious daddy issues.

Privacy

Winner
Your life is her life; her life is your life. She has a vested interest in preserving the status quo and whatever privacy that entails. Unless you breach her trust, by, say, I don't know, taking a mistress.

She could secretly record your racist lunatic rant and release it for all the world to hear. The league will then ban you from all future games and force you to sell the team.

Fame

Winner
Outside of fans of your team and possibly fans of the sport, no one really knows who you are. As far as society is concerned, you're just another rich guy. That's a good way to live, and your wife knows it too. So things will stay as they are unless you do something stupid…

…like take a mistress who records your phone calls and releases them on the web. Then your life will become a national scandal (and personal nightmare) that just won't die. Fame/Infamy are two sides of the same coin.

Money

Be prepared to give away half of everything you own. Since you're weighing the pros and cons of taking a mistress and all, this seems like a very real possibility.

Winner
You'll be forced to sell your team. But given how much revenue and profit pro sports franchises generate these days, the team will be worth piles and piles of cash. So oddly enough, taking a mistress will probably work out well for your bank account.

The Winner Is

WinnerTeam Owner's Wife

3 out of 4

Yeah, we saw that coming. Nevertheless, it's a valuable lesson for all you budding professional sports franchise owners out there.