BREAKING: Supreme Court Rules For Trump – Team Obama Leaves In Tears

The Supreme Court released a decision today written by its newest Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch. Gorsuch, who is a staunch believer that the Constitution is a living document to be interpreted when it favors archaic, liberal-leaning laws, wrote that voter regulation was guaranteed in the emoluments clause:

“If we are to not wade into the waters of foreign influence, then we must protect our democracy at its very core. That means every single voter should have to prove who they are regardless of who they are or how much money they make. To be a United States citizen requires a contract of civility; one must be able to reasonably care for oneself, especially when it comes to the privilege of voting.”

The decision means that there will be a federal identification rule enforced by the FEC requiring all voters to show identification to vote. A new federal identification will be made available from the US Post Office that will be 100% tax-deductible. Fingerprint and DNA information will be required, but hey, if you want to vote, you’ll go all out, right?

Liberals will call the new rules racist, because apparently black people can’t get ID for some reason or they’ll say it’s to keep poor people from voting when now all they have to do is register and submit to testing. Jeff Derpinger, spokesman for the White House Office of Information and Propaganda, says the idea of a federal registry for people to volunteer for would be a welcome addition to President Trump’s plan to keep track of the poor and the indigent so he can help them out.

Justice Gorsuch was asked if his willingness to interpret the constitution would extend as far as the 1st and 2nd Amendments or Roe. He explained that while voting is a privilege for those who choose to use it, the inalienable right to self-defense and the right to speak your mind are absolute, though he would like to see a press more regulated to honesty. He recommended a department to oversee the flow of information as a consultant before the inauguration and the WHOIP was created, so he’s doing something right.

As for Roe, Gorsuch said that he didn’t think it would change while Justice Kennedy is alive but he looks forward to sharing the bench with Jeanine Pirro and overturning it someday. “All life is sacred,” Gorsuch said, “And really that’s all there is to it.”