Not him either. This is worse, terrifying, an event that should make every city resident lock their doors and shutter windows. (OK, now!).

“Run for your lives. It’s the Heritage Days Festival.”

(Shrieks. Cursing. More shrieks. Fainting. Vomiting.)

You’re crapping me, right? A city that remains poorer than dirt plans to waste an estimated $40,000 on an event that is nothing more than a chance for Trenton residents to stretch their waist bands, ratchet up their blood pressure, and waste money on tchotchkes (worthless nick nacks).

This is no Heritage Days Festival unless one means guests can eat pizza, or soul food, or Latino fare. Polish people don’t show up here. There’s no polka show. This festival attracts no Germans dressed in lederhosen.

This city could claim a real heritage festival in the future but certainly not now, what with four libraries closed, more than 100 officers stripped from our police force, garbage pickups halted by insufficient manpower, weeds towering higher than our noses, and a plethora of other issues, including a federally indicted mayor charged with keeping this city afloat.

Speaking of grass, Joyce Kilmer Elementary School students held its annual end-of-school celebration last week in The Gully area of Cadwalader Park.

Students played in grass that rose to levels just under their kneecaps. Yeah, I know, these kids should just be happy that they had hamburgers, hotdogs and inflatable jumping apparatus.

We eat and frolic while this city falls prey to insufferable leadership, spending money on useless events with an underlying mission to funnel money toward friends.

“We are spending half of what we spent last year and delivering a better product. We have the funds to use. Moreover, we have nothing planned for the city, to kick the summer off and this is a good way to do it,” Anthony Roberts, a Mayor Mack aide, said.

South Ward Councilman George Muschal hit pay dirt with his assessment that Trenton needs no party, especially when “we spend thousands of dollars on somebody singing, pick them up in a limousine. This is craziness.”

Actually, downright frightening.

City Council President Phyllis Holly-Ward said money for Heritage Days is taken from the recreation department’s budget. Here, I thought our recreation department had been busted up in favor of a teen procreation initiative.

Unfortunately, Mayor Mack will have his Heritage Days Festival just as sure as Japan predicts a future crisis with an out-of-control reptile.

“There’s nothing that we can do to actually stop him,” Holly-Ward said.

Not certain if Holly-Ward offered her doomsday prediction about Mack or Godzilla.

Either way.

Run for your life!

— L.A. Parker is a Trentonian columnist. Reach him at laparker@trentonian.com.