Sunday, January 21, 2007

Coming Soon: The Apocalypse

An excerpt from the first episode of William Hartnell's last story, The Apocalypse, by me.

INT. NEWSROOM (DAY)

Lights come on over a stern-looking female NEWSREADER. Strident music ends.

NEWSREADERGood evening, and tonight on Christmas Eve of 1986, the International Space Command have launched Zeus Five into orbit on its mission to Niribu. The launch took place at the Snowcap Polar Base in Antartica fifty-two minutes ago. Now in orbit around the Earth, the crew consists of Major Dan Schultz, Glyn Williams and Terri Cutler, three experienced astronauts still available for this vital mission even with the festive season well underway. We will keep you updated with all news from Zeus Five as it occurs. In other news, the box office taking of the new Captain Marvel movie have broken all records, even though the plot was released in comic book form earlier this year. Anti-violence protestors, however think the film, Battle With The Robot People, not only encourages violence but shows distinct luddite tendencies with the wholesale rejection of technology. A spokesman for Captain Marvel industries went on record as saying...

INT. APARTMENT (DAY)

An art deco apartment with lots of couches and rugs. The wall paper clashes with the carpets, the carpets with the furniture, the furniture with ceiling, and everything is tacky. An idiotic looking man in a dressing gown, RICHIE, is pacing up and down. Sitting on the sofa is FILTHY, a grubby bearded man smoking and drinking. Nearby is a wide-eyed blond man in a singlet, EDDIE. Canned laughter is heard.

RICHIEYou’re my agent, Filthy! So start earning your ten per cent!

FILTHYI don’t get ten per cent, daughter, what with your staggering lack of talent, you don’t get any money in the first place.

Richie rolls his eyes and twirls like a prima donna.

RICHIEWell, whose fault is that then?

FILTHYNot mine, daughter. Not mine.

RICHIEPrecisely - what? Are you insin’, Filthy, that I am to blame?

EDDIELook. It’s time you faced facts, Richie, the star-studded galaxy of BBC light entertainment is just not meant for a black hole like you.

He claps his hands in sudden inspiration. Eddie looks at camera and sighs.

EDDIEWhat?

RICHIEMy new career! I’m going to host an amazing new, sophist’ open university education show! Yes! Richie Rich, explaining the cosmos to a whole generation of adoring young would-be astrophysicists! Richie Rich’s Crib Notes of Creation! The Richie Rich Guide to the Galactic Super Cluster In Order Of Relative Densities!

EDDIERichie, you couldn’t even spell solar system, let alone know the relative densities of the local galactic super cluster.

RICHIEThat’s what we’ll do. The new planet! A whole new planet! We can buy the naming rights! A whole planet named Richie Rich! How utterly fab! Massive publicity! A dream come true!

FILTHYIt’s already got a name, Richie.

RICHIEAs good as "Richie Rich"?

EDDIEYour definition of good slips further down into the sewer every time you breathe in, Richie. The tenth planet’s official name is Niribu.

Richie looks disgusted.

RICHIE"Niribu"?! "Ni-reh-boooh"?! Thatis the best they can come up with?!

EDDIEWell, as they didn’t choose your retarded hiccup of a name for it, we can only applaud.

Richie primly sits down next to Eddie, who makes vulgar gestures with his hands.

RICHIEYou know what, Eddie? You’re cruising for one of my looks, young man!

INT. TV STUDIO (DAY)

We see JOHN WAKEFIELD, an irritating soft-voiced presenter with a beard and spectacles, sitting in a groovy leather-backed chair. The set is minimalist with square spiral patterns and some pot plants. A logo says THE YEAR OF THE LAME DOG.

WAKEFIELD...of 1985. Though Halley’s Comet did not bring either death or destruction last year, perhaps it was nothing but an omen for our new neighbor in space – named Nibiru, after the mythical Sumerian world that is the dead twin to Earth. Now, in the studio, we have Sir Gene Halderman – self-confessed ISC spin doctor and one of Austria’s finest minds in all matters non-terrestrial.

Wakefield turns his seat to face an identical seat. Sitting in it, uncomfortable, is an intelligent looking middle-aged man in a suit. This, as a caption notes, is SIR GENE HALDERMAN (ISC SPOKESMAN).

WAKEFIELDSir Gene, perhaps you can sum up the current situation in regards to ISC’s activities?

HALDERANYou mean, what have we actually been doing about it?

Wakefield laughs sickeningly, taken aback at Halderman’s bluntness.

WAKEFIELDIf you like.

HALDERANThe situation isn’t particularly difficult, in fact, most of the fear it generates is down to the sheer simplicity of it all. There are nine planets that we know of in our solar system. What we call Nibiru is a tenth planet, a rogue world, has entered our solar system and is hurtling through space straight towards us...

Wakefield leans in, interrupting.

WAKEFIELDAnd, so, have ISC determined the precise cause of the planet’s movement?

HALDERANI rather think we should be focussing on the effects rather than cause.

WAKEFIELDSurely that isn’t wise? What is this is the first swallow of spring, for example? What about other such rogue planets hurtling into the solar system? It is, after all, widely assumed that such an event wiped out the dinosaurs.

Halderman arches an eyebrow.

HALDERANThe destruction of the dinosaurs, whatever its cause, occurred over sixty five million years ago. We have not been inundated with out of control planets in the intervening millennia and I feel it safe to say it’s not going to happen. Besides, even if that theory about the dinosaurs is correct, the object from space was an asteroid of some description. Certainly not an object the exact same size of Earth. If Nibiru were to strike, we have got more than an ice age to worry about.

WAKEFIELDWhich is presumably why the Zee-Bomb Operation is starting?

HALDERANZed-Bomb.

WAKEFIELDSir Gene, please, this is no time to quibble over terminology. What are you intending to do about the tenth planet?

HALDERANThe actual mechanics of the operation are well in public domain. Three Zed-class atomic devices fired, in series at Nibiru will trigger its total disintegration. If the tenth planet is annihilated at a certain point, not only will Earth be spared any radioactive fallout, but any debris will be so lacking in mass it will harmlessly burn up in our atmosphere. The technical details and terminology I will spare you.

WAKEFIELDFor the viewers, eh, Sir Gene? Or security reasons?

HALDERANNo, not really, it’s that I just can’t be bothered to explain it to an intellectual vacuum like you.

Wakefield sours.

WAKEFIELDPerhaps you’d like to answer my first question?

HALDERANYou mean, what sent Nibiru hurtling through space?

WAKEFIELDYes.

HALDERANWell, one must remember that things do not happen instantaneously. The stars at night are thousands of years old – because we see their light is no evidence those stars even still exist. Whatever sent this planet in motion occurred a long time ago, and since we have no real way of telling exactly where it was originally, well, that distance renders all calculations meaningless. It could have happened before the birth of Christ or maybe even before the dinosaurs. There is no way of telling.

WAKEFIELDYes, but what do you think caused it?

HALDERANSome kind of galactic accident, a supernova of sorts, is the likely description. An explosion that sent Nibiru hurtling off into space. Of course, the forces required to knock a planet out of orbit would, naturally, send all sorts of space matter in our direction as well...

WAKEFIELDSo, this could be the harbinger of some greater threat? More planets and asteroids?

HALDERANIf you would let me finish. The force of the hypothetical explosion would have incinerated any smaller objects, and objects larger than the tenth planet could conceivably have the mass to stay where they were.

WAKEFIELDWhat you’re saying is that there is nothing to worry about?

HALDERANWhat I’m saying is there is no point worrying. Any other drifting planetoids will take many years to even endanger us. Assuming another planet left right after Nibiru, it will be centuries before we even detect it, let alone are in a position to do anything about it. Worrying about it now won’t help.

WAKEFIELDSo the matter is open and shut?

HALDERANRather like your head.

Wakefield continues through gritted teeth.

WAKEFIELDSir Gene, what about rumors that Nibiru is decelerating?

Halderan falls quiet. Wakefield is surprised.

WAKEFIELDSir Gene?

HALDERANAll the signs are is that the planet is slowing down. It has manifestly not been caught in the gravity of any of the other planets, so it isn’t slowing down naturally. If anything, it should be speeding up. But the fact remains our top ships would take years to tour the solar system, and this planet has traversed two thirds in ten months.

WAKEFIELDSo some outside force is controlling this?

HALDERANYes. It seems so.

WAKEFIELDA sort of game of planetary billiards?

Halderan looks at him in undisguised disgust.

HALDERANWas that supposed to be humorous?

WAKEFIELDGallows humor.

HALDERANI’d prefer you dropped the latter and kept the former. Signs are that Nibiru is being directed by an outside agency, quite possibly a force inhabiting Nibiru itself.

WAKEFIELDSo the aliens living there have turned the planet into a spaceship?

HALDERANIf that’s how your infantile mind can comprehend the subject, yes. What’s more, we have detected signs of movement on the surface – and for many reasons, both in terms of accuracy and security, I can go no further. But it would be wrong for the human race to annihilate its first visitors.

WAKEFIELDYou mean, the aliens don’t intend to crash into us?

HALDERANIt would seem unlikely. They may stop completely, or pass us by. Certainly, if they have the technology to steer a planet, they would have the abilities to annihilate mankind – more to the point, they would have done it by now.

WAKEFIELDSo you don’t think the aliens are hostile?

HALDERANI don’t know there are aliens there at all. If there are, I doubt they are hostile.

WAKEFIELDBut there’s still one thing I don’t understand.

HALDERANNonsense, I’m sure there are countless things you don’t understand.

WAKEFIELDWhat about the claims that the landmasses on the tenth planet mirror those of Earth?

HALDERANI doubt it is much cause for concern. After all, if this planet was formed in a solar system with the same conditions as our own, why shouldn’t it develop like Earth? After all, we all hear about doppelgangers – two people, with no contact or connection, yet somehow they end up looking identical to outside world. Well, Mr... I’m sorry, I forget your name. But if that is it...

Halderan starts to rise.

WAKEFIELDOne last question, Sir Gene.

HALDERANWell?

WAKEFIELDEven if Nibiru is being driven by friendly aliens, shouldn’t the Zee-Bomb...

HALDERANTo establish once and fall whether the tenth planet is inhabited! Do pay attention.

WAKEFIELDAnd if it is?

HALDERANWe shall take things as they come. But while I don’t think the inhabitants have come to us to spoil for a fight, it would be unwise to detonate nuclear weapons in their atmosphere. They might just take offence.

WAKEFIELDAnd just how large is the window?

HALDERANWhat window?

WAKEFIELDThe window of opportunity! How late can we leave nuking this planet?

HALDERANIdeally forever. But if Nibiru does cross a certain point and no contact is made, well, I suggest you stay indoors.

WAKEFIELDIt’ll be a big flash will it?

HALDERANNo, no, I was just giving general advice.

He tears off his mike and turns and stalks out, his words muffled and now inaudible.

WAKEFIELDWell, eh, that’s the end for The Year of the Lame Dog, which will return next week at the same time, same channel. Coming up next a very different take on the tenth planet situation in the festive edition of The Body Electric. On behalf of the studio, we’d like to wish you all a very merry --

INT. CHURCH (NIGHT)

A church packed with famous-looking GUESTS. THREE TENORS stand on stage, dressed in casual, scruffy clothes that belies their singing talent. More importantly, they seem to be enjoying themselves the middle one sings, with the others start to join in on alternate lines.

SINGERSThis is the day that the Lord has madeAll wrapped up in hessian sacksTo keep it safe and warm...

This is the day the Lord has madeNurtured in the breast of manTo keep it from the storm...

Suddenly the lights start to flicker. The trio continue to sing.

SINGERSThis is the day, the day that the Lord has madeAll wrapped up in hessian sacksTo keep it safe and warm, warm, warm...This is the day, this is the day, this is dayThat the Lord has madeNurtured in the breast of man...

Feedback howls. The microphones deactivate. The trio sing silently for a moment before getting confused and trying to call for help. The lights flicker and dim further.

INT. NEWSROOM (NIGHT)

The NEWSREADER is at her desk. As the scene progresses, the lights continue to flicker.

NEWSREADERWe interrupt tonight’s carol service. Reports are coming in from observatories from all over the world that a fleet of space craft is leaving the tenth planet Niribu on a direct course for Earth. The public are urged not to panic as there is no sign so far that the fleet has any hostile intent towards us...

A hand passes her a new sheet of paper. The lights dim.

NEWSREADERFurthermore, it appears that brown outs are occurring in major cities all over the world. Total power failure has struck Borneo, Greenland and Portland. What is causing this is as yet to be determined, but reports from the major power plants suggest that some kind of energy drain is underway. The public are advised to switch off all non essential electrical items, as the...

Static suddenly roars, swallowing her words. Snow fills the screen, to be replaced by an image of a blank, mask like face. Its voice booms and echoes, as if with a thousand metallic throats speaking at once.

DEGAPEOPLE OF EARTH. HEED MY WORDS. THE WORLD YOU HAVE MADE HAS REACHED ITS END. YOUR LIVES ARE CONSUMED WITH FEAR OF DEATH. YOU ARE BLINDED AND MAD, TYRANNIZED BY EMOTIONS. THE CYBERMEN WILL FREE YOU FROM MADNESS. FREE YOU FROM HATRED. FREE YOU FROM JOY. WE WILL GIVE YOU THE TRUTH AND MAKE YOU STRONG. YOU WILL BE LIKE US. WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, TO BRING YOU YOUR SALVATION.