Posts Tagged ‘Mitt Romney’

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

JAKARTA – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney narrowly escaped injury in Indonesia today when heavy rains caused a landslide that washed away part of a village where he was campaigning.

The working-class, blue-collar politician was in Southeast Asia, where he owns several small countries, to drum up support for his candidacy. Thousands of locals had braved inclement weather to cheer on Michigan-born Romney, unaware the very ground they stood on was about to vanish.

“I keep telling people I have support in the south, and this proves it,” said a smiling Romney just moments after the landslide occurred.

400 people were killed in the disaster.

In other election news, never-say-die GOP hopeful Rick Santorum planted himself in a flower pot today.

“What’s good for plants is good for people,” said Santorum as campaign volunteers buried him up to his chest in black potting soil.

The politician drew attention earlier this week when he told attendees at an energy summit in Mississippi that carbon dioxide was not harmful to the atmosphere. “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is,” Santorum is quoted as saying.*

Phone messages from The Anvil left at Santorum’s campaign headquarters offering to put the former Pennsylvania senator in a room with nothing but carbon dioxide to breathe for 10 hours were not returned.

When asked by reporters at the potting ceremony if he had blood or chlorophyll in his veins, Santorum said, “Chlorophyll is junk science.”

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* If you think I made that up, you’re wrong. You can read the quote righthere.