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In a joint meeting between the government, the judiciary and the military, a vote was held to determine the best country in the universe. In an almost unanimous decision, Pakistan was voted as the best. Even though Pakistan was the only option on the ballot, certain PTI (Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf) ministers still wrote ‘Go Nawaz Go’ on it and checked that box instead.

After the voting, Prime Minister Imran Khan asked for a re-election; members of the press present assumed it was simply out of habit but Khan insisted that the result should accurately encapsulate the sentiment of the people by stating that Naya Pakistan is the best country in the universe. Fawad Chaudhry managed to placate the premier by adding a proviso to the result clarifying that Pakistan became the best country in the universe after July 2018.

Imran Khan then congratulated himself for turning the worst country in the world to the best country in the universe in less than 100 days. Upon Imran Khan’s mention of the worst country, a note was passed to him and the prime minister frantically asked for a different vote. Five minutes later India was voted the worst country in the world in an almost unanimous decision. Somehow Fayaz ul Hasan Chohan and Murad Saeed still managed to vote for ‘Go Nawaz Go’ in this voting too.

Both domestic and foreign policy were discussed in the meeting. Shah Mehmood Qureshi took a well-deserved nap while muttering in his sleep, “Foreign policy will be made in the foreign office” followed by chuckles and hearty laughs.

The press was asked to highlight all the grand achievements of the nation and the giant strides it has made in the past five months. Shaikh Rasheed congratulated Imran Khan for ensuring that for the first time ever 2019 happened in Pakistan before any other country. Rasheed got fired up and remarked, “Imran Khan has managed to bring Pakistan further in time than any other politician ever.” However, he was sharply rebuked by the state and then reminded of 1947. Fayaz ul Hasan Chohan also criticised Shaikh Rasheed for not urging Pakistan to go back 1,400 years.

Pakistan was also declared to be the safest country in the world for foreigners. Pictures of white people with cameras were used to make the point. These people, who were totally not paid to come to Pakistan and did so of their own accord, were used as shining examples of Pakistan’s achievements in tourism. Imran Khan again congratulated himself for once again being able to bring white female tourists to Pakistan.

Imran said, “Pakistan is so safe, a white girl can now cycle on the streets of Peshawar.” A reporter then asked Khan, “what if the girl was Pakistani ...” but before he could finish his sentence Fayaz ul Hasan Chohan threw a glass of water on his face and accused him of being an infidel. The reporter was then dragged out of the meeting.

Imran Khan then voted himself in as the Herald’s person of the year.

The remaining journalists were then shown pictures of their family members and briefed on the routes their children took on their way to school. After the briefing, all the journalists congratulated the government on its remarkable achievements in promoting freedom of speech and protecting the rights of journalists. Asad Umar’s interview on Hard Talk was then played on repeat five times.

All the newspapers reported that the whole nation is happy and nobody cares about the dollar rate because nobody has any dollars. We do not need to import anymore cheese. Looking at the amount of intolerance in Pakistan, nobody would be surprised to find we were lactose intolerant too. And if we are not, we can simply declare lactose to be non-Muslim and become intolerant of it.

The meeting ended with the government condemning the United States for its support of terrorists, India for its treatment of Muslims, Israel for its military operations against Muslim Palestinians, Netherlands for its hate speech towards Muslims, and irony for existing.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the January 2019 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.

Mrec Large

Comments (48) Closed

Who could have thought IK would mean Beggar Pakistan when he said Naya Pakistan?

RanjanJan 10, 2019 08:58am

An average weekend read, lacking sattire.

TobiasJan 10, 2019 10:08am

It is to let the potential hate commentators know the above work is a satire.
Please don’t make fool out of yourself by spewing hateful comments.
Cheers

Shehzad Jan 10, 2019 11:25am

Now that's a piece of some work. Great one. My lungs are about to explode.

VivekJan 10, 2019 11:28am

Hahaha made my day !! Very funny a article..

SHAHID SATTARJan 10, 2019 12:12pm

Ouch! One below the belt.

KalyanJan 10, 2019 12:15pm

Very funny Satire. But some passages such as a girl (white or not) being able to cycle on her own is a sobering reminder that a nation will be the best in the world when people are free without being discriminated based on gender, race, religion, age, nationality or other traits.

AhsanJan 10, 2019 12:45pm

Absolutely brilliant! Please do more of these.

RAja RamanJan 10, 2019 12:47pm

This is not satire. In fact, Pakistan was voted high on happiness index. Common people are happy and carry on with their lives, irrespective of external situation.

MangomanJan 10, 2019 01:01pm

Will comment after I am done laughing...

Abdur Razzaq Jan 10, 2019 01:46pm

Why such anti Pakistan and senseless material is being published by Dawn while my this very comment is subject to censure and will not be published by the moderator and then they say there is no freedom of expression for media!!

Raging PhoenixJan 10, 2019 01:51pm

Very apt satire! Nice job, Sir.

SaqibJan 10, 2019 01:55pm

I see a JIT investigating HERALD in very near future.
What a piece of interesting facts, sorry ! Satire.

ashar aneelJan 10, 2019 02:03pm

Who is the Writer of this satire ?

MustafaJan 10, 2019 02:14pm

Hilarious! Keep us entertained with more!

FerozJan 10, 2019 02:15pm

If Pakistan is the best country in the universe, then Switzerland, Sweden, Australia, must be the worst countries.

Vivek SinghJan 10, 2019 02:42pm

Hilarious
you forgot mentioned about Imran asking CJP to ban indian culture and content as it is worst in the world where as Pakistan is the country that have best culture in the world
.

RkJan 10, 2019 02:45pm

Hilarious!!!!!!

HKJan 10, 2019 02:55pm

Amazing piece

Aasif GorejaJan 10, 2019 04:13pm

Wonderful as one of best article I have ever read keep it up

MoizJan 10, 2019 04:23pm

One of the finest introductions I've ever read. May I please know the author of this article?

BRRJan 10, 2019 04:39pm

the fact that you have to title it and categorize it as Satire says a lot too about your readership. Good job.

saad ramayJan 10, 2019 05:02pm

A good one

OsmanJan 10, 2019 05:09pm

How brilliant you guys at Dawn are!!

ShanJan 10, 2019 07:16pm

Who could have thought IK to be the prime minister and PTI in power :)

RazaJan 10, 2019 07:47pm

Would have loved if Dawn had done a similar article on PPP and PNL N times this is purely ridiculing the positive trends and vibes which have finally started to pop up and in time this badly written satire would become a reality.

SHAHID SATTARJan 10, 2019 08:23pm

@Shan That was coming our way for the past two years at least. All indicators pointed towards the present setup being in power. The powers that be promoted the same all this time.

arvind kumar singhJan 10, 2019 09:14pm

I didn't feel good to read this satire as it reveals a very sorrowful state of a nation which should have already covered a very long path of development. It is very strange to learn that driving Bikes by a female is not a common culture of life.

KarimaJan 10, 2019 10:31pm

Very funny and flippant especially the dollars and cheese bit! Does end on a serious note though.

ParvezJan 10, 2019 11:04pm

A little more finesse would have been nice.

ShahidJan 10, 2019 11:32pm

Satire aside, I have been to 27 countries, most of them in Europe but Pakistan is truly the best of them all.

Swiss neutralJan 10, 2019 11:55pm

Nice humour

saythetruth10Jan 11, 2019 05:56am

Really, if you this call this satire than I feel sorry for you. The joke is on the writer and not the PTI.

HarisJan 11, 2019 06:25am

I have expected a satire but it's not even anywhere near to it.

MujJan 11, 2019 06:45am

"And irony for existing"..
Man, that killed it. This is asbolutely sad that the situation in Pakistan has come to this.
Kudos to the author for writing a good piece of satire.

MujJan 11, 2019 06:45am

"And irony for existing"..
Man, that killed it. This is asbolutely sad that the situation in Pakistan has come to this.
Kudos to the author for writing a good piece of satire.

M.AbdullahJan 11, 2019 07:23am

A wonderful piece of satire, the writer should use his art of satire in producing literature too.

Gulshan BhatiaJan 11, 2019 07:27am

Pakistan Zindabad.

Vimal KumarJan 11, 2019 09:35am

Interesting one...

DgJan 11, 2019 09:54am

Nobody cares about dollars since we don't have. Very funny.

P L BakhshiJan 11, 2019 10:04am

Quite deligently written as a pleasing smile creating satire but all the same revealing the stark naked glimpses of hidden reality. Keep it up to provide fodder for entertainment.

SachinJan 11, 2019 10:05am

@Feroz They have not passed such resolutions.

jagmohan trivediJan 11, 2019 11:09am

Satire is not a bitter pill.It provides aching laughter and food for thought,an introspection.
People wedded to bravado claiming rewards for undeserving and uncouth action may be
disappointed,but society at large ultimately gains. Thus welcome healthy satire.

shahzadJan 11, 2019 11:32am

Plz keep secret the name of the author to save him from the clutches of so-called Utopians of this land-of -pure

Neutral Jan 12, 2019 07:39am

pti supporter should give it a read before commenting. One should not be a blind follower

RanjitJan 13, 2019 10:01pm

Hilarious!! It was really funny when it mentioned chuckles and laughter when the foreign minister said that the foreign policy will be made by the foreign office!! Also when no one cared about the dollar rate because no one had any dollars!! Hahaha