So This is What Closure Feels Like

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After I got out of work today, Brandon and I met in the park to talk. He showed up looking exhausted, a cup of coffee in his hand. We hugged awkwardly and then sat down, me on the bench of a picnic table and him sitting on the table with his Converse-clad feet on the bench next to me.

I started "the talk." I explained to him about how I wasn't ready to move in together, but I thought it was just jitters at the time, something I just had to get over. Then I told him the same thing I told Dr. D -- that I pursued the friendship with Sebastian because of a subconscious need to assert my independence because I felt trapped by the cohabitation situation. I apologized for not dealing with my feelings straight on, and for the hurt that caused him. He didn't say much until I got to the part about my night with Derrick.

"K, I don't want to know," he pleaded. "I really don't."

"Brandon, we have to talk about this. I'm not going to give you all the gory details, but I need to explain where my head was at."

"I can't hear it," he said.

"I know that once this conversation happens, we can never go back. But until we do, I really don't think either of us can move forward."

He nodded and let me go on. I told him everything I'd said in therapy about it. He toyed with his shoelace the other time, and when I finished talking, he didn't look up.

"No," he said, sincerely. "I'm hurt, and I'm angry, but I do understand."

We sat in awkward silence for a moment.

"I have something I need to tell you, too," he said.

I felt my breath catch, and started playing every worst-case scenario I could in my head.

"In Colorado," he began, "shortly before I came home. Starr and I were up late one night talking, and out of nowhere she told me she never stopped loving me, and begged me to stay in Colorado and give us another chance."

I was floored. "What… what did you say?"

"I told her it was over a long time ago, and then I started packing and came home to you."

"Because you were running away from Starr or coming home to me?" I asked, knowing the answer but hoping I was wrong.

"Both," he admitted. "I just wasn't prepared for how that was going to make me feel. It was a big part of the reason why I went AWOL. And I think part of the reason why I went so crazy about the Sebastian thing is because I was looking for a reason to separate myself from you so I could deal with those feelings."

"Do you still love her?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said. "I waited for so long for her to say those words to me, you know? And I gave up on hearing them a long time ago. I think a part of me is always going to love her. But not the way that I love you."

We talked for another hour or so after that, and mutually decided that we need to take some time away from each other, and then start over. As friends. And then take it from there.

I feel really good about our talk, although admittedly the Starr stuff really threw me for a loop. I'm sad, really sad, but I feel like I'm really ready to move forward. I think we both are. Finally.