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Extract 1: Wizard's First Rule, his masterwork of fantasy-that-is-not-fantasy.

Richard's First Gay Wizarding Experience :eek:

"Zedd smiled knowingly. "You're a natural, my boy. You held your arms just right, your head had the proper tilt, you even arched your back correctly. You have all the makings of a fine wizard." He leaned forward, gleefully.

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"Zedd smiled knowingly. "You're a natural, my boy. You held your arms just right, your head had the proper tilt, you even arched your back correctly. You have all the makings of a fine wizard." He leaned forward, gleefully.

A Yeard is the beard/ponytail combo sported by Mr Goodkind, and has come to represent the man himself and all he stands for. Celery is the vegetable equivalent of this, and when consumed bestows the eater with the moral high ground, even when cutting down unarmed orphans with a chainsaw.

The Lemmings of Discord is an unofficial alliance formed to fight the forces of celery. Fear us, for we are legion. Like a giant fighting centipede, or possibly like rain on a campfire.

...meh, this seems too much like charity. I'm going to rise up and live my life with a sneaky blog-plug. If you lack the energy to reread all the previous Goodkind threads, many highlights are collected in my blog (link in the sig), including previous parodies and even some terribly thoughtful essays.

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Wow, Epic Phail to say the least. I dropped from Number 1 to Number 5 which either means more people are spamming to up their post count, or my celery levels are decidedly lacking. I choose option 1, thus choosing life.

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Richard was born as a simple Pit Bull. He was taller than most pit bulls. But the pit he faced tonight was taller than him. Despite the years of torture and abuse he believed in his noble spirit and would not do as his master wanted. In other circumstances this other pit might be his friend with ass sniffing exchanged with much delight. But he was about to be attack and he was not going to let himself be harmed.

Despite never having fought before - having only heard about it from other dogs in his kennel - his rage was up and since he had such a strong belief in himself and knowing only he knew the truth of his character, how to truly live his life for living life is the only reason to live life and makes life worth living by living for life, he attacked with all his might and despite years of torture was able to take the other champion train pit bull down and win the fight with one melon size bite causing blood to bath him as a victory shower and Richard liked it he laughed his doggy laugh knowing that his life was worth living and he was alive to live his life to the fullest the life can be lived.

The woman who tortured him was clad in one piece of highly shined leather it ran from her impressive crotch with a thick tong up the back that was split to cover her large chest pillows hit Richard for being too good and knowing that his life was to full of being lived to the fullest at all times even when he was sleeping. Her small daughter of 8 also started to beat him and threaten to kill him and rape his girlfriend whom he had loved all his life even thought they had just meet a few hours prior and as she was laughing he felt his thing rise up and his rage for his life that was worth living as only he could live the life that was worth living so he lunged with all his doggy might and mauled that 8 year old to shreds as the mother beat him and then he shat on the girls corpse and ran off into the night knowing that he had done the moral thing.

Vicgang, the owner of the Kennel found out about what Richard had done and realized that his life might be in danger if Richard escaped the boundary put Richard's lover on the rape stand and for the next several days had dogs almost rape her only to have Richard come and kill the dogs, but somehow in the most unlikely and inane way she was always recaptured and placed back on the rape stand. Finally everyone but his lady love Klan got tired of the almost rape game and so Richard went to confront Vicgang once and for all to show him that his life was worth living to the most that life could be lived and that despite having no thumbs he could draw and make violins better than anyone who had ever lived, he was also a great fighter, lover, plumber, carpenter, teacher, chemist, doctor, engineer, civil rights leader, nascar driver, lion tamer, pirate, hair stylist, and most importantly he was an artist who inspired others to realize that all his works are about moral choices to make sure that all lives where lived to the fullest even though no life was so fully lived as his for only he could live his life to the fullest.

Vicgang set many trials and battles in Richards way but with melon sized bites he fought his way though until finally surrounded by many other pit bulls who had no idea how to live life the way he could live life by living his life for his life to be worth living. Knowing he was out numbered Richard pretended to stretch in the down dog style and as the gaurds dogs relaxed he killed them like he was dancing, as dancing was breathing and breathing was sleeping and sleeping was like being born and nothing he had done before could have made him any happier than killing all of the pit bulls before hamstringing Vicgang. With curses so foul that Richard wanted to lick him self clean Vicgang was forced to the rape stand and there he was to stay and for all time to be raped by all passer by for they knew he was lame and didn't know how to live life for life that is worth living in all the ways life has to be lived everytime life is lived by the living.