The diary of a Saudi man, currently living in the United Kingdom, where the Religious Police no longer trouble him for the moment.

In Memory of the lives of 15 Makkah Schoolgirls, lost when their school burnt down on Monday, 11th March, 2002. The Religious Police would not allow them to leave the building, nor allow the Firemen to enter.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Some changes

If you look to the top right-hand corner, you'll see some changes. The first is that we have a new picture.

A problem with running this blog is that I get inundated with requests from high-ranking Saudis to have their pictures included. It's our equivalent of a cameo appearance on "Frazier" or "Friends". And some of the offers I get are quite shameless. Take this guy:-

He's actually the Head Imam at Makkah. He was all over me like a bad rash. He said, if I printed his picture, he knew all the best coffee shops in Makkah, we could have a great "Lad's night out" together. I said I was washing my hair that night. Then he offered me equal billing with him at Friday Prayers, said we could do a double act. He'd even started writing some material -"Knock, knock""Who's there?""Muft-I""Muft-I who?""Muft-I always give my full name to come in?"I said I'd think about it.Then he asked about our childrens' pet rabbit. Well, we've all seen "Fatal Attraction", and he's even scarier than Glenn Close. So I caved in. But there was one condition. Whenever I got hold of a photo of the real Religious Policeman, Mr Makkah Imam was history.

And that's showbiz. One moment you're a celebrity, the next you're nobody. I've got my photo. There he is in the top right. He is no less than (Ta - Taa) -

Sheikh Ibrahim Bin Abdullah Al-Ghaith, General President for the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice.

Yes people, he is Numero Uno, El Jefe, Le Patron, The Man. Callsign "Mutt One". Go to the Euromarche car park in Riyadh with your CB radio, tune to their frequency, call out "All units, All units, this is Mutt One, Barbie Doll in Euromarche, All Units Respond". Watch the ensuing traffic chaos. It's the best laugh you're going to get in Riyadh all year.

So there he is, gracing this blog. I hope you all feel suitably honored.

I've also added the address for the Official Religious Policeman site. I do get some fruitbats, usually fellow-countrymen, who come here and then get all ratty because I'm not the Real Deal. Well, guys, there they are over there, off you go, enjoy.

And then there are the British neophyte Religious Policemen, the Muslim Council of Britain. The title suggests that they represent us all here, except virtually nobody has heard of them. Perhaps they prefer it that way, so they can plot their foul deeds under cover of darkness. Thankfully, we have our good friend from MCB Watch, an excellent site, who keeps track of all their nasty little ways. I would especially commend his article on

It's a very thorough and skilled analysis, I'd recommend you to read the entire thing. And it did bring to mind this little scene, between, on my left, Secretary-General of the MCB, Sir Iqbal "Death is perhaps too easy (for Salman Rushdie)" Sacranie,

and on my right, his evil PR Director, not Catbert, but Inayat "The Chairman of Carlton Communications is Michael Green of the Tribe of Judah" Bunglawala.

(The Secretary-General is sitting at his desk, looking pensive. Bunglawalla bounces in)

B Wassup, Sheikh?

S I've got this bloody invite.

B To the Royal Garden Party at Buck Pal? No probs, just stay away from the ham sandwiches, not to mention the unclean Corgis - oh, and keep clear of Prince Philip, you know his sense of humor with dark people, like "Do you still throw spears at each other?". But apart from that you'll be OK.

S No, I wish it was, you know me and free food. But no, it's this bloody "Holocaust Memorial Day". "Holocaust Memorial Day"? Does that sound like me? Glad-handing it with a load of Jooos, remembering something that never even happened? I've got enough problems remembering things that did happen. Inny, you've got to get me out of this.

B No problem, Sheikh, just give me a minute or two....

(Bunglawalla prances round the office, swinging his prayer beads)Got it! We need to spin this our way. Appeal to the British sense of Fair Play. Play the "Inclusiveness" Card.

What we'll say is, "Awfully sorry, can't come, but we will if there is a more "inclusive" event, one that's "less racially selective".

S "Less racially selective". You mean, "Less Jooos"?

B Of course, but we can't say that sort of thing, this is Britain not Saudi Arabia, we've been caught out by that before. No, we're a lot more smooth these days, more subtle. We'll just create an event where the Jooos are in a minority, with a bit of luck we can get the buggars to stay away completely. Have an event that's so totally "inclusive", every genocide that ever was, it'll be totally meaningless. It'd be like "American Independence Day" but celebrating every country that ever got its independence, that's got to be two hundred plus, it would completely swamp the whole thing, everyone would forget what it was supposed to be about.

S Inny, that's great! So what do you have in mind?

B Well, for a start, there are the genocides in Palestine and Kashmir.

S But those aren't really genocides, are they? They're more like civil wars, insurgencies, aren't they?

B But it just depends how you define "Genocide". It has to be more "inclusive", we'll make it include the sufferings of all people, especially ours. And our people are suffering in Palestine and Kashmir. And then there's Chechnya.

S Oh hang on, Inny, there was nasty stuff in that theatre and that school.

B Well I actually meant the suffering of our people in Chechnya. But I see what you mean, it could also include the death of brave Jihadi freedom fighters in places like Russia and Israel and Bali - perhaps not London, they're not ready for that yet, but give us a year or two - Hey, Sheikh, you're really starting to get the hang of this. And then there's Jericho...

S Jericho?B Yes, you know. (Puts hands in air and waves them while he sings). Joshua won de battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho.... Jooos again. Massacred an entire city, apart from one family. Dreadful. Then the Jooos in Egypt. Killing all the firstborn. That's Genocide and Infanticide. And they got off scot-free. Appalling.

S But wouldn't we have to include the genocide of the Kurds by Muslim Turkey in the last century?

B Don't you mean the "alleged genocide", Boss? We don't hear from any eye-witnesses, do we? Did it really happen? Let's leave that to the historians, why rake over the past, draw a line in the sand and move on. Anyway, there's also Vietnam.

S But that wasn't a genocide, was it? It was a war, lots got killed on both sides.

B So they did. But Vietnam is iconic for a whole generation, quote "Vietnam" in your cause and you get everyone who was a 60's student on your side, they're like Pavlov's dogs.

S But what do we say about Darfur? That's happening right now. And it's Muslims who are going into refugee camps and doing the killing.

B Yes, but we've already got more than enough genocides, especially if we throw in a handful of black-on-black, like Ruanda, and yellow-on-yellow, like Cambodia. All we're trying to do here is turn the attention away from us and muddy the water generally. I think we've got more than enough now to do that.Besides, who has ever been to Darfur? Did you ever meet anyone who's been on vacation to Darfur? Name six famous Darfur people! (sniggers)

S I know.What would I do without you, Inny?

B No problem, Sheikh. And I'm sure the government will get you your invite to the Garden Party at Buck Pal. Silly buggers still think we're on their side.