Pirates Ahoy!

They walk into a US court. Everyone is dressed like they’re members of the Tea Party. The judge gets one of those old person white wigs that judges wear, and they all talk in old thyme British accents.

It’s been a while since the actual Somali pirate incident, so I assume that we’ve been teaching the pirates English in their time waiting. Since they’re Somalian and they probably didn’t have a great grasp of English to begin with, we should have taught them Pirate English. They don’t know any better, they’re like infants in this manner. An infant doesn’t know how to talk, so when they learn to talk they learn the language they’re exposed to. So just teach them Pirate.

This next part could actually be a reason why we should torture prisoners. We get a guy to go in a room with them individually with a chainsaw and a pencil and basically poke out one eye, chop off a leg or an arm there, and then when they leave the torture room we have a carpenter construct some peglegs and arms for them.

When the court date comes, we give them eye patches and pirate gear and tell them to dress up in that. We just say that it’s how fancy Americans dress. And we also say that most Americans like parrots, and it’d help to put one on the pirate’s shoulder in order to get the jury on their side. Oh, and feed it crackers. A lot.

When our old thyme British judge finds them guilty, we take them out to the gallows. And if they can get away from an escort from the US Navy (carrying muskets and sabers, of course) and they can make it down to the water where they’ll find a rowboat waiting for them then they deserve to escape.