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We’re 41 days away from the opening puck drop for the San Jose Sharks season in L.A. And we’re less than a month away from the first preseason game, which means hockey is coming up very soon. Yippie! New season, fresh start! Refresh! Oh, wait that sounds familiar.

Along with a reason for living, a new hockey season brings loads of predictions about the upcoming months, most of which are completely wrong and useless. So without further ado…here are the Great White’s guess-timations for the future of Sharks hockey.

Prediction 1: Joe Pavelski will be named the Sharks captain.

OK, so I’m kind of cheating on this one. This was my first prediction from last season, and we all know how that ended up. Vlasic gets the A, with Thornton and Marleau rotating the final one.

Prediction 2: The Sharks will finish 2nd in the Pacific Division.

OK, this one is the same prediction I had last year as well. But last season was no indication of the true talent of the team. There was a lot of internal strife between players and management, players and coach, coach and management–plus did I mention there wasn’t a captain?

The Sharks bounce back big time this year. Pavelski, Couture and Thornton will continue to lead the team in points. Marleau, Hertl and Nieto are primed for a big comeback year. Wingels will continue his forward trajectory from his breakout season last year, and we’ll see a lot of the young guys step up, especially Tierney, Goldobin and Goodrow.

Prediction 3: The Sharks’ defense will be improved, but still middle of the pack.

It’s hard not to be excited about getting another true stay-at-home defensemen in Paul Martin to pair up with Brent Burns on the back end. The more Burnzie is free to terrorize opposing defenses with his size and scoring ability, the better. Especially when Thornton is on the ice.

Yet even with Martin, that gives the Sharks two solid D-lines to work with, and that’s not going to be enough to launch them into the upper echelon of the best in the league.

I think this guy is going to be the real deal. He’s young, he’s agile, and he can help us beat the Kings. He won’t have the same stellar caliber of defense that he had in L.A. (see #3 above), but it will be good enough ahead of him where he’ll be successful.

Stalock on the other hand, will continue to regress (as much as I love the guy), and the Sharks will be looking at a rotation of him and Grosenik as backup.

Prediction 5: The Blue Jackets will be the scariest team no one is talking about.

They’re young. They’re tough. And they play well as a team. Ever since Jarmo Kekäläinen came in as General Manager, #Lumbus has done nothing but improve.

Bobrovski will also win the Vezina…again. Count on it.

Prediction 6: Buffalo will miss the playoffs again.

Yeah, they have Eichel and Evander Kane now, along with new coach Dan Bylsma. I think they’re sure to improve (how could they not), but they’ll still be on the outside looking in come April.

Prediction 7: Edmonton will make the playoffs, but fizzle out early.

McDavid. Hall. Nugent-Hopkins. Yakopov. This young core will make it tough for opposing teams. However, their D still isn’t as strong as a real contender needs it to be. They do have a pretty good coach now, though.

Prediction 8: The Sharks will make it to the Stanley Cup Final for the first time in franchise history.

But they won’t get there on skill alone. They’ll have some lucky match-ups (hello, Wild) and benefit from some timely injuries to tough opponents. Really, getting to the Cup is as much luck as it is skill, so why not the Sharks?

Last season, I made predictions about the Sharks and the NHL in general, and mainly I did pretty bad. Here’s a quick look back at my predictions and what actually happened.

Prediction Number 1: Joe Pavelski will be the new Sharks captain.

We all know how that one turned out. 4 As, no C. That’s supposedly going to change this season, so maybe I’ll re-use this one.

Prediction Number 2: The Sharks will continue to publicly alienate both Thornton and Marleau.

Eh, not really. It was pretty obvious that there was tension, and the whole “Doug needs to shut his mouth” thing from Jumbo, there wasn’t much. But you could tell it was wearing on the team privately.

Prediction Number 3: Vancouver won’t suck nearly as much.

Hey, I got one right! Although it wasn’t going to be hard to top their Tortorella-level shittiness. I did predict that they’d end up no higher than 4th in the Pacific though. They finished 2nd. I also predicted that the Sharks would beat them in every regular season match-up. The Sharks ended up 2-3-0 against them. So…wrong!

Prediction Number 4: The Ducks will win the Pacific, again.

Yep. Nailed it. Although that one wasn’t that bold of a prediction.

Prediction Number 5: The Sharks will finish 2nd in the Pacific.

Nope. Not even close.

Prediction Number 6: The Avalanche will struggle this year.

Remember two seasons ago when Patrick Roy led the Avalanche to the playoffs in his rookie season as coach? That was fun. They were due to regress, but I had no idea just how far they would fall last season.

Prediction Number 7: The Blackhawks will win the West.

Another one right. Although I thought they’d beat the Kings to get there.

Prediction Number 8: The Penguins will win the Cup.

HAHAHA what was I thinking?!? The way things are going in Pittsburgh, those fools will never win another one.

It’s almost here. It’s almost fucking here. That wonderful day when a new NHL season begins, and I can go back to comfortably ignoring my obligations while daydreaming about the Sharks hoisting the Cup in the Spring (I mean it has to be their year this time, right?).

Wednesday, October 8 is only eight days away. I can’t wait for it to get here.

But for Sharks players, it will be filled with even more energy, as they have to start their Cup campaign in L.A. against the stupid, butthole, good-for-nothing, Kings. Not only do the Sharks have to play the team that knocked them out right away, but they also have to watch them lift their Stanley Cup Champions banner into the rafters.

I hate the Kings. Fuck.

So now that a new season is nearly upon us, I wanted to take a moment to make my pre-season predictions, for the Sharks, the Pacific Division, and the playoffs altogether.

Prediction Number 1: Joe Pavelski will be the new Sharks captain.Not that this is a real earth-shattering prediction. I think most people expect Pavs to take over the C this season. And if the Sharks’ new marketing efforts are any indication, they’re looking at Pavelski, Logan Couture, and Tomas Hertl to take over as their captain and two alternates. But if they don’t make Vlasic at least an alternate, that’s a huge mistake.

Prediction Number 2: The Sharks will continue to publicly alienate both Thornton and Marleau.But privately, they’ll suck up as much as possible. Not because they respect them as players like all of us fans do, but because they want to find a way to move them. Still. I just don’t get it.

Prediction Number 3: Vancouver won’t suck nearly as much.They’ll still finish no higher than 4th in the Pacific, but the Canucks will improve upon last season. The Sedins will play well. Ryan Miller will too. Nick Bonino will be alright, and they won’t even miss Ryan Kesler that much. The Sharks will still find a way to beat them every time, though.

Prediction Number 4: The Ducks will win the Pacific, Again.I hate to say this, because of how much I hate the Ducks and all, but they are going to win the division again. They’ve added Ryan Kesler and Dany Heatley, both of whom I think will help them. However, because this is a Bruce Boudreau coached team, they’ll lose in Game 7 of the first round of the playoffs. Brucey likes doing that.

Prediction Number 5: The Sharks will finish 2nd in the Pacific.Because they’re good like at in the regular season.

Prediction Number 6: The Avalanche will struggle this year.
The Avs will be the surprise disappointment this season, finishing 4th in the Central division.

Prediction Number 6: The Blackhawks will win the West.I mean, it’s their turn after all. The Blackhawks will beat the Kings to get there.

Prediction Number 7: The Penguins will win the Cup.I honestly don’t know why I’m saying this, but it has to happen again sometime, right? Maybe a new coach will get them over the hump.

As you all have noticed, it’s been somewhat of a strange offseason to say the least. The Sharks management has pissed off the entire fan base by signing John Scott, resigning Mike Brown, and adding Ice Girls this season. They’ve also confused everyone (including themselves) as to what the hell their plan is exactly. But worst of all, they’ve effectively alienated their best players, first by saying to the media that they wanted players who “wanted to play here, not just live here,” then by trying to trade said players even though they have contracts with no-trade clauses.

Then, as we’ve all heard this week, the Sharks stripped Jumbo of the captaincy, and once again, the Sharks have a team without a captain (and no As at the moment either).

But even with all that, I don’t think the Sharks are as screwed as everyone thinks they are. Here’s my case for the Sharks this season.

There’s an old expression that goes like, “the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today.” That has nothing to do with the San Jose Sharks, because I don’t even think they know what a tree is at this point; they’re looking for a solid “stump” to help protect their leaves.

The Sharks have announced that they’re bringing back Mike Brown, signing him to a two-year deal worth $2.4 million dollars. For Mike Brown. The Mike Brown who had a whole five points last season. The same Mike Brown who is used sparingly on the fourth line, when he isn’t hanging out in the press box on yet another healthy scratch.

Yeah, this fucking guy is making $1.15 million next season.

But that’s not all, ladies and gentlemen, the Sharks are also bringing in John Scott for $700,000 this season, which is great for Mike Brown, because he is no longer the worst player on the San Jose Sharks. No that honor now belongs to this otherfucking guy.

It’s all going to be ok though, Sharks fans, not to worry. The San Jose Sharks organization has also decided to bring on a team of ice girls to help soothe your troubles (or a “co-ed” “Ice Team” if you will). You know, the scantily-clad woman with shovels who smooth out the ice surface during game breaks and intermissions, and who lead between-period entertainment.

But wait. Maybe the Sharks are actually committed to icing a progressive, co-ed entertainment team. Let’s take a look at the proposed uniforms.

Picture includes both men and women, that’s good. A full-body shot of women are dressed in tight-fighting yoga pants and jerseys with high midriffs, showing off thin, athletic bodies. The man is dressed in a full jacket, and shown only from the waist up.

Well they only say that a picture is worth a thousand words. What about the actual words?

They do seem to be pretty detailed and prepared for the women to try out, not as much for the men. Guess we’ll have to check back, eh?

In other quick hits, the Sharks actually did something cool by signing Tye McGinn, the younger brother of former-Shark, Jamie McGinn. However, they did get Tye from the Flyers, which means he’s probably either an insufferable douchebag or a dumb ass.

I don’t know what the rest of the offseason will bring, but I just hope it will end soon. I can’t take much more.