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I LOVE TELEVISION

;As you know, I am totally EXTREME. And not that half-assed kind of EXTREME you see on Jackass, either! I'm like, EXTREME to the MAX — because I'm EXTREME even when I'm doing normal, everyday things. For example: eating. I've stopped ingesting fruits, meats and vegetables, and only eat EXTREME foods (primarily those that have the word "EXTREME" on their packaging, like Doritos). I'm also EXTREME when I'm picking up my dry cleaning, visiting my grandmother in the rest home and listening to the new Hilary Duff CD. The only time I'm not EXTREME? When I'm making love. (But only because people often confuse "EXTREME" for "PREMATURE EJACULATION.")

;;Even when I'm driving to the store for milk, I'm way EXTREME. Some people take their time parallel parking — NOT ME. When I visit the grocery store, it's like a freaking Bruce Willis movie. I come flying into the parking lot at roughly 97 miles per hour, hit a ramp, turn three flips in the air and blow up the second I hit the ground. Then, when the fire department gets all frustrated and asks, "Humpy, why do you keep doing that?" I respond, "Oh, I don't know. Perhaps because I'm EXTREME?!?!?" (Speaking of Bruce Willis, have you seen the new trailer for Live Free or Die Hard? It has a car flying through the air and taking out a helicopter. NOT EXTREME ENOUGH! If I had written that movie, the bad guy would've been Osama bin Laden jumping a Humvee into the top of the Twin Towers while yelling, "Can you validate my parking slip?" Now, that's EXTREME!)

;;Oh! And speaking of "DRIVING" and "EXTREME," there's this show debuting on Fox this week which is not nearly as EXTREME as Bruce Willis standing on the hood of bin Laden's flying Humvee and peeing all over his windshield — but it's still pretty EXTREME. It's called Drive (debuts 8 p.m. Sunday, April 15), and it's kind of a cross between Lost and The Cannonball Run — on CRACK. Starring the super-dreamy Nathan Fillion (Serenity, Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Drive tells the story of a bunch of seemingly random people lured into an illegal cross-country road race by a shadowy organization (my favorite kind). Then the shadowy organization is all like, "If you win, you get $32 million. (YAY!!) If you lose, someone close to you dies. (Ohhh … BOOO!!!)"

;;And like Lost, everybody in the race has a secret backstory. For example, Alex Tully (Fillion) is looking for his missing wife, while another contestant is racing to escape her abusive husband and save her unborn baby. (Third-trimester racecar drivers are so EXTREME!) And to make things even more confusing, the racers don't even know whom they're racing against, or where the finish line is. All they know is that danger lurks around every turn, and win or lose, their lives will change FOREVER (probably in some kind of EXTREME manner).

;;So check out Drive's two-hour premiere, and let me know which is more EXTREME: this new series, or me dressed in underpants, crashing my flaming Honda Civic into a leaky nuclear power plant. (While eating Doritos.)

;;E-mail … to the EXTREME!

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;steve@portlandmercury.com

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; THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;

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;THURSDAY, APRIL 12

;;8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

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;Andy returns after taking anger management classes and applies for the manager position of the anger department.

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;9:30 p.m. NBCANDY BARKER, P.I.

;;Season finale! Barker tries to stop a murderer while looking for a kid's stuffed bunny.

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;FRIDAY, APRIL 13

;;10 p.m. SCIFIPAINKILLER JANE

;;Debut! A hotsy-totsy super-spy hunts down genetically altered humans in this new show based on the comic.

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;SATURDAY, APRIL 14

;;8 p.m. ESPN2HOT DOG EATING ;CHAMPIONSHIP MARATHON

;;Three and a half hours of contestants cramming hot dogs down their gullets. Bring the Maalox!