Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Nobody can accuse Big Guy of not aspiring to be the best he can be. Remember how many times Big Guy told us “We can’t wait”? Well, as it turns out, he’s not going to. Not content with just being the nation’s first authentically half-black and all-gay president, he decided he can’t wait for future historians to write him into the history books so he went ahead and had some of his greatest hits entered into the existing Big White historical book of Presidential Biographies.

Seriously, you can’t even buy propaganda historical perspective like this, butt apparently you can write it yourself. So what Big Guy had his team do was insert a little “Obama” into every president’s official historical summary of accomplishments since Calvin Coolidge; thereby updating the out-of-date 20th century presidential accomplishments to reflect the awesome follow-on 21st century contributions of our historic Won.

Maybe you’ve already seen some of our updated histories:

On August 14, 1935, President Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act. Today the Obama administration continues to protect seniors and ensure Social Security will be there for future generations.

And here’s an interesting historical factoid: when Roosevelt signed the original Social Security Act into law the tax to fund it was just 1% on the first $3000 income. Now it’s over 15% on the first $110,000 income - and we’re still running far short of what’s required to fund the obligation. Don’t worry though! In order to fix the economy, Big Guy cut the “payroll tax” rate (temporarily) by 2% (a cut he was against, before he was for it)! I’m still not sure how draining the money out of the kitty faster is going to “protect seniors and ensure Social Security will be there for future generations” Butt if Big Guy said it, it must be true.

In a 1946 letter to the National Urban League, President Truman wrote that the government has “an obligation to see that the civil rights of every citizen are fully and equally protected.” He ended racial segregation in civil service and the armed forces in 1948. Today the Obama administration continues to strive toward upholding the civil rights of its citizens, repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, allowing people of all sexual orientations to serve openly in our armed forces.

Not yet noted in the Big White big history book is Big Guy’s evolved position on gay marriage. Nor has this entry been included yet:

“The Obama Administration’s Department of Justice, led by Eric the Red, bravely dropped the 2008 case of voter intimidation against the Black Panthers, thereby demonstrating their commitment to protecting the rights of angry mobs that look like Obama’s son, if he had one, to intimidate and suppress the votes of people who disagree with them. Furthermore, by refusing to indict or even investigate the Black Panther bounty placed on the head of George Zimmerman, a white Hispanic from a swing state who does not look like either Obama’s or Eric Holder’s son - if they had one - Obama’s DOJ further protected the civil rights of certain minorities.”

Also of historical note is the similarity of head gear selections of Harry Truman and the historical Barack Hussein Obama:

Oh and I almost forgot! Like Harry, Big Guy has adopted and HOPEs to run successfully using Harry’s successful “Do-Nothing-Congress” ploy. Hence, he will be issuing his 21 point Congressional To-do list later today, that the Do-Nothing-Congress will do nothing with.

Then of course there is the Father of the Great Society, Lyndon B. Johnson:

President Lyndon Johnson signed Medicare signed (sic) into law in 1965—providing millions of elderly healthcare stability. President Obama’s historic health care reform law, the Affordable Care Act, strengthens Medicare, offers eligible seniors a range of preventive services with no cost-sharing, and provides discounts on drugs when in the coverage gap known as the “donut hole.”

Thereby making Johnson and Obama, along with FDR, the 3 presidents most responsible for creating a deficit of here-to-fore unimaginable magnitude. Butt now that Newsweek has officially outed Big Guy, I think we need a new metaphor for “donut hole,” don’t you?

And don’t forget: Lyndon Baines, like Big Guy, was also a great lover of dogs.

And of course we have this historical update, now that everybody wants to compare themselves to Ronald Reagan:

In a June 28, 1985 speech Reagan called for a fairer tax code, one where a multi-millionaire did not have a lower tax rate than his secretary. Today, President Obama is calling for the same with the Buffett Rule.

It would probably be impolite of me to point out that the reference to Reagan’s speech was taken out of context and we’re talking apples and oranges. So I’ll just add this little known historical fact about Ronnie: he once starred in a B movie called “The Voice of the Turtle” which was a real stinker.

Big Guy, on the other hand, has often been referred to as a “post turtle” by his critics, butt at last check has received solid “A’s” from everyone, including himself.

We’ll do some of our other Presidential throw downs later. I only have time to wrap up with one more historical entry, this one a nod towards Lady M’s own historical contributions:

And sure enough, right on cue, there was Lady M yesterday hosting yet another “Let’s Move” event in the State Dining Room with soccer stars! And looking absolutely resplendent in her recycled Moshino blouse and one of her favorite Alaia boob belts (we’re looking to get the old magic back).

You may remember this blouse from one of the highpoints of our first historic year:

Remember? We were in Prague, at Big Guy’s first official Apologies for America tour. Now that we are 3, we can ditch the sweater and show the well toned guns. Something else the Wons have in common with the Eisenhower's.