Greg Bauch's Blog

Bachelor Recap- Helicopterthon

by Greg Bauch,posted Jan 25 2011 3:03PM

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">This is a very important time in a season of the Bachelor. Brad Womack has weeded out more than half of his harem. The word &ldquo;connection&rdquo; is going to be thrown around a lot. We&rsquo;re at the point of the show where it&rsquo;s been long enough to act like you know Brad but too early to lie about falling in love with him.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Next week, the girls will start to talk about &ldquo;developing strong feelings&rdquo;. It&rsquo;s a process. This show is actually quite scientific.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">In Episode 4, there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. The week begins with crazy Michelle giving herself a black eye for some extra attention. She tells the camera that she got the black eye in her sleep. <o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Just as the viewer begins to grasp how insane this single mother is A HELICOPTER LANDS OUTSIDE OF THE MANSION TO WHISK BRAD AND CHANTAL AWAY TO A MAGICAL MAKE-OUT PLACE!!!! SCREAM!!!<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">I know, you&rsquo;re already complaining about how all of my recaps are the same but I can&rsquo;t hear you over the awesomeness of Helicopters.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Brad and Chantal fly in their helicopter to Catalina Island. On the way, they sit in the crow&rsquo;s nest and blow away some drug dealers with M-K&rsquo;s&hellip;.I assume. They don&rsquo;t show the date in its entirety. <o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Our young lovers park the helicopter in a harbor to do some diving. To fulfill her Bachelor contractual obligations, Chantal acts terrified of her date activity.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">The adventure brought about some great quotes:<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a huge thing to be asked me to walk in the ocean. I don&rsquo;t just do that.&rdquo;<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">&ldquo;So I get into the water&hellip;I don&rsquo;t know how I do it, but ...I did it. But he&rsquo;s worth it.&rdquo;<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">&ldquo;When you put yourself out there, a whole new world opens up.&rdquo;<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">I learned a lot from their experience.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Back at the house, Black eyed Michelle is acting crazy while the girls find out who is going on the group date. It&rsquo;s becoming clear that Producers are demanding that Brad keep Michelle around for ratings. They search the globe for the craziest women on earth and get fine marks with this one. She&rsquo;s either crying or threatening violence. Michelle triggers my stab reflex.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Chantal and Brad continue their date on a beach with a bunch of beds strewn about. I don&rsquo;t know where these places exist in the real world. They talk about life and stuff.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">The conversation offered up this award winning exchange. <o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Chantal- &ldquo;I like you a lot.&rdquo;<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Brad-&ldquo;l like you a lot too, absolutely. No doubt about it. No doubt about it.&rdquo;<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Then they make out.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">The next day, Brad takes the group to the studio of a radio show called &lsquo;Love Line&rsquo;. &lsquo;Love Line&rsquo; is not on WGR 550 so don&rsquo;t even bother to check out what station it&rsquo;s on and when. Dr. Drew, the host of &lsquo;Love Line&rsquo; is a Love Doctor who answers questions about love. He also gives out t-shirts to callers who correctly pick three football games against the spread.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Dr. Drew asks the girls personal questions so Brad can find out who&rsquo;s easy. Everyone opens up and builds connections. <o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Afterward, they put on two-pieces for some steamy Spa abs. It&rsquo;s a great chance for senseless, drunken complaining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; </span>Perky dentist Ashley S. is all bitchy about sharing Brad with the other women. It&rsquo;s super emotional. I took a Percocet.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Brad pulls Britnee aside because she&rsquo;s the only girl not crying at the moment. They wrap up in a blanket to stay warm. I&rsquo;m not sure in what part of California the Bachelor is shot but it&rsquo;s always freezing. Before making out with Brit, Brad says, &ldquo;Come here to me, please.&rdquo; Ashley catches them sucking face and she cries.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">The rest of the girls branch out to cry in separate groups. It reaffirms that people should date in groups of 6 or less. <o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Britnee gets a rose despite spelling her name wrong. She should just add a &lsquo;k&rsquo; to her name and spell it &lsquo;Britknee&rsquo;. I like Britknee but she&rsquo;s a little too thin. She needs to eat a steak hoagie. You can see food pass through her colon as she connects with Brad.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">The day after that depressing mess, Brad goes on a 1-on-1 date with Michelle. She&rsquo;s insane. If producers have done their homework, Michelle and Brad will be in a cave knocking bats out of the air for sport and drinking their own urine.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Instead, A HELICOPTER PICKS THEM UP AND DROPS THEM OFF ON TOP OF A BULDING THAT THEY ARE TO REPEL AND OH MY GOD HELICOPTERSAREBACKANDITSAWESOME!!!!!!11111!!111<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Michelle and Brad are hooked up with climbing gear to climb down a glass skyscraper. When I want to get to know someone well enough to marry them, I always propel down a glass skyscraper with them. All of the important questions can be answered like, how do they look in climbing pants? I&rsquo;d joke about Michelle acting terrified but I&rsquo;m pretty sure I&rsquo;d be terrified as well.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">It makes me wonder what would happen if Michelle&rsquo;s cable broke and she fell to her death. Would Brad give her a ceremonial rose? How many weeks would he need to pretend like he really liked Michelle? Would he place the rose on the spot on the sidewalk where she landed? Would the other girls act upset or admit that they&rsquo;re happy because they hated Michelle and now have one less girl to compete with for their ABC contract, I mean, Brad.?. I&rsquo;m not sure if I end that last sentence with a question mark or a period. Just circle the one that applies. <o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Michelle isn&rsquo;t sure if she wants to risk her life. She says, &ldquo;I swear, on my life, that I&rsquo;m going to throw up.&rdquo;<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">In an upset, they both don&rsquo;t die and go swimming. Brad gives Michelle a rose so ABC will allow him to host the Daytime Emmys in 4 years.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">I&rsquo;d kind of like to know how Michelle got her black eye, but I refuse to buy a magazine and look into the matter. If anyone finds out, please post the story in the comments section below.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">At the rose ceremony, they play Emily&rsquo;s music so Brad can pull her aside for her own private picnic. All of the other girls realize that Emily is much hotter than them, so there&rsquo;s a cry-fest.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri">Three normal girls who don&rsquo;t make me want to smash lamps are sent home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; </span>I didn&rsquo;t notice Stacey the bartender until Brad sent her away. She is scorching and comes across as a very cool woman. No wonder she didn&rsquo;t make it to St. Lucius. <o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt"><font size="3"><font face="Calibri"><img style="width: 145px; height: 107px" alt="" src="http://imgsrv.wgr550.com/image/wgr/UserFiles/Image/imagesbach.jpg" />A red head named Lindsey tells the camera that her dad would be proud of her. I&rsquo;m assuming she means that she was sent home for not making out with a stranger on national television. I&rsquo;m proud of her. I&rsquo;m giving her an internet rose.<o:p></o:p></font></font></p>
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