Tuesday, January 30, 2007

A Lamentation for Paula, take 2

Ms. Abdul:

I am concerned for you. Really I am. Come out with it already. Are you on drugs? Are you hiding a dreadful disease? Are you in pain?

I for one am not believing the whole 'she had a long day' excuse for the sloppy speech and the spinning about in your chair. I suspect you are on major pain medicine; maybe you are doing the best you can. Just tell me. I have your aching back.

I know what it's like to want to keep chronic pain and illness a secret. Frankly, it isn't anybody's business but your own. But there comes a point when it is to your benefit to explain your abnormal behavior. Some time ago, folks were talking about Annette Funicello's behavior - everyone thought she was hitting the bottle until the former mouseketeer finally disclosed she has MS. Teri Garr went through the same thing. You wouldn't be the first celebrity to reveal a dirty little medical secret. I mean, if I can strum up some sympathy for Rush, I certainly can find it in my heart to give you a pass. (Except for when you clap that strange little seal clap. With your fingers spread like you just got a manicure. I hate it when you do that. Pain or no pain, it's just wrong.)

So, straight up, what's the deal? We're waiting for the announcement.

Sincerely,

Poofy-Haired Fan from 1989, Otherwise Known as a Woman that Cannot Abide Yet Another Season of Idol (Especially When it Preempts my Beloved House.)

PS: If there isn't a thing wrong with you, then color me baffled. And hire a shrink. You need it.