Please try not to stare at my T. rex claws…but of course now that I’ve brought them up, you’re going to be staring.

“RrrrAAAaarr!” T. rex!

I’m holding a purse here because I’ve discovered — well, actually, I’ve know this for a long time — that it’s very hard to take pictures of your hands near your face, because when you have your hands near your face, it makes your hands look huge. Or, conversely, your face looks really small.

These two products — you may recognize the Revolution Lipstick. It’s a re-launch. The nail polish, however, is new. They’re both available now online.

That’s an interesting name isn’t it? Gash? I don’t want to be too morbid, but let’s just say — I don’t know — we were surfing one day and charging the waves really hard (yeah, those 3-foot waves) when we accidentally crashed into each other on our surfboards and cut our shins.

Not terribly, though. Just a few scratches. Not a lot of blood, because if there were a lot of blood, I’d probably pass out.

The color does kind of remind me of what’s pumping through our veins, though, and I have to say, it’s a pretty accurate representation. I know this because I broke a glass once when I was 19, and it cut my hand…

This was shortly before I told my parents that I didn’t want to go to medical school. I remember standing there in the kitchen holding the glass, and feeling kind of feint watching the blood drip down my hand, and thinking, “It’s probably not a good idea to go to medical school…”

Advertorials like this one are brought to you by my sponsors. They’re carefully chosen based on what I think you might like; however, this post was entirely written by the sponsor.

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Elizabeth Fraley has a secret. You might even say she lives two lives, and each is nothing short of spectacular. By day Elizabeth works toward her graduate degree in neuroscience, but by night she becomes Liz Bits – a professional aerialist and performer. Suspended in the air, Liz completes incredible maneuvers on silks, demonstrating her incredible physical strength. But, her mental strength is equally unparalleled, as she continues her education to earn her Master’s degree.

Like any good agent, Liz has a secret weapon. Rimmel London’s Wonder’Lash Mascara with Argan Oil leaves lashes feeling conditioned, defined and smooth. The Ultra-Flex mascara brush hugs lashes from root to tip. Whether she’s in the lab, or in the air, the new breakthrough formula with Argan Oil leaves her lashes sleek and smooth, or bold and beautiful. No clumps. No flakes.

You can forget about opening this compact with your paws because, sadly, it is made for human hands only.

Paul & Joe’s new spring 2015 Protecting Pressed Powder is not for powdering tabby noses. It is for human faces, both female and male. (For the record, I’m Team Man Makeup all the way.)

Pressed powders are an essential component of a professional pet assistant’s appearance. This one comes in a beige compact with a sassy tabby on the front smoking a pipe and wearing a jaunty captain’s hat.

Paul & Joe Protecting Pressed Powder

PRICE: $45AVAILABILITY: Coming in two shades (pale pink 001 and multi-beige 002) this April to Paul & Joe counters and beautyhabit.com.

When you open the compact, there’s a big mirror inside, into which you may stare at yourself if/when your greedy assistant decides to share.

There’s also an embossed — I’m not sure if that’s the right word; I have to look it up in my kitty dictionary — flower design on the pan. I think it’s a chrysanthemum, but I must ask my botanist cat friend about it.

The pressed powder can be worn either on top of bare fur — haha, just kidding — bare skin, or used to set liquid foundations so that they don’t move over the course of a busy assistant’s day.

I’ve observed the product in action on my assistant. When she used it to set her foundation and concealer this morning, she smiled.

Well, before she smiled, she stuck her nose in the pan and said, “Mmm! Smells like flowers, Tabs!”

Honestly, though, I don’t know what she meant by that. Half the time she’s mumbling about lord knows what, and I’ve just learned to tune her out.

Anyway, I do appreciate that her skin looks smoother and less oily than usual. I presume it is due to this powder’s oil-absorbing powers and its ability to blur pores.

Of course, we are cats, and not all of us are carrying American Express Black Cards, so you’re probably wondering if this powder is a good value for the price. It is $45, after all.

You might be wondering, “So what in tarnation is this Monday Poll thing anyway!?”

Well, it isn’t exactly a poll. It’s more of a constantly evolving (devolving?), somewhat random list of questions I’ve been putting out to readers every Monday morning for the past seven years. (It’s like a kickstart for your brain.) I’ve always enjoyed reading your answers in the comments, and I hope you enjoy reading mine.

Where were you in 1999, and what were you doing?Gurl, I think I was living at home again. I’d just finished college and moved back home with my parents, partially because I missed them, and partially because I wanted to save some money while I looked for a job.

Ugh! — it was a rough transition, but we worked it out. Essentially, I went from living on my own for four or five years to living under my parents’ rules and roof.

That’s not usually easy.

Have you ever ridden a Razor scooter?
The funny thing is, I can totally picture myself on one of those things (and falling off, of course), but I’ve never ridden one before.

Do you rock climb?
Again, I can see myself doing it, but I never got around to learning.

I guess it’s never too late to give it a try.

What’s on your keychain?
I have my house keys, my car keys, and a fun little toy camera charm that I got from a museum store. When you press the little shutter button, it makes a “CLICK!” sound, and you can see the flash.

What’s your biggest nail polish pet peeve?
Oh, boy. Well, most of the time I do my own fingers and toes, but every once in a while I’ll actually spend the money to go get a pedicure, and when I do, inevitably, I’ll do something weird to mess up the polish literally, like, seconds after I leave the salon.

This has happened on many occasions… You’d think that it would teach me a lesson to not get pedicures at all, or maybe I should call somebody to pick me up and just carry me home or something, but nooo.

Your turn. Just copy and paste the following questions into a comment with your answers. I look forward to reading ‘em!

1. Where were you in 1999, and what were you doing?
2. Have you ever ridden a Razor scooter?
3. Do you rock climb?
4. What’s on your keychain?
5. What’s your biggest nail polish pet peeve?

Happy Monday, my friend! I hope your week got off to a great start. I’m just chugging along out here in Novato…

I have some catching up to do this week. I didn’t do any housecleaning last week whatsoever, or any, like, basic life necessity chores.

You know how it is sometimes…

In tastier news, though, I’m very excited because last night between dinner and The Walking Dead finale (OMG! One of my fave episodes EVER!), I prepped some noms for the week to make me less likely to eat junk food. I made cauliflower soup and crispy quinoa cakes (better than high-sodium processed food). I also made a pitcher of fruit-infused water, because I notice that when I have one in the fridge, I drink more agua.