I find I'm having difficulty keeping myself engaged in my faith, and I thought I might ask you for some advice. I don't have a lot really committed, active Catholic friends since leaving college, and I don't know too many people in a situation like mine.

Basically put, I'm a former Catholic seminarian who has, for two years now, been having difficulty "re-adjusting" to life outside the seminary, at least on the spiritual level. Seminary is designed to make formation and the spiritual life as easy as possible. Sacraments roll of the tables; you're at mass every day, you're living with numerous priests, and there is a pervasive atmosphere where everyone is trying to serve God. So it's neither something you can easily avoid nor something you lack the resources to engage.

Since leaving seminary, I find this is considerably more difficult, which is not something I believe many priests understand. I have an absolutely enormous commute to my job -- I'm on the train 3-4 hours a day -- so I don't exactly have a whole heck of a lot of time to be engaged at my parish, to participate in available ministries, and often barely even to get anything approaching substantial prayer in.

It's driving me crazy. I can still feel God urging me to move, to work, to do the good, and I can't figure out how I'm supposed to make it. I never realized how horrifyingly busy adult life could be (I'm 28), now that I'm working full time and engaged to be married. I'm trying not to relegate my religion to a set of opinions, but I feel that's where I'm headed.

So I'm writing you because you're a busy, married Catholic man who might have some insight on the matter. As a young man coming to advice from someone with much more experience in these things, I hope you can be of some aid.

I’m not a super genius in this department, but a few things stick out as stuff to explore. First, assume God will meet you where you are and the mode of encounter you experienced in seminary is but one mode of encounter. So, for instance, it seems like commute time might be a good time for a Rosary or a Divine Office, or both. In addition, it may be good to pray about moving job and home closer together so you don’t have the long commute. Now is also a really good time to establish a regular prayer life with your intended, as well as figuring out some way to carve out time, however modest, for exercising the charism(s) God has given you. He has a way of blessing such attempts with open doors that appear as you walk forward. Think of it like driving. If you are moving forward, even a little bit, it’s much easier to turn the wheel. Finally, don’t forget that these “in-between” times are part of what God uses to ready you for when he will use you. Paul spent about a decade in Antioch just cooling his heels (as far as we can see) after his big mystical encounter on the Damascus road, his sojourn in the desert, and his meeting with the apostles in Jerusalem. What was he doing? Not “nothing”. He was learning the things he needed to learn as a new disciple so that when the Holy Spirit called him and sent him out on his mission, he’d be ready. You have some mission too and God will use everything, including this aggravating period, to make you both a disciple and an apostle as you struggle to obey in the here and now. Your time will come. Meanwhile, they also serve who only stand and wait.

1. God was all-complete, all-blessed in Himself; but it was His will to create a world for His glory. He is Almighty, and might have done all things Himself, but it has been His will to bring about His purposes by the beings He has created. We are all {301} created to His glory—we are created to do His will. I am created to do something or to be something for which no one else is created; I have a place in God's counsels, in God's world, which no one else has; whether I be rich or poor, despised or esteemed by man, God knows me and calls me by my name.

2. God has created me to do Him some definite service; He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission—I never may know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. Somehow I am necessary for His purposes, as necessary in my place as an Archangel in his—if, indeed, I fail, He can raise another, as He could make the stones children of Abraham. Yet I have a part in this great work; I am a link in a chain, a bond of connexion between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good, I shall do His work; I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it, if I do but keep His commandments and serve Him in my calling.

3. Therefore I will trust Him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us. He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life, He may shorten it; He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends, He may throw me among strangers, He {302} may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—still He knows what He is about.

O Adonai, O Ruler of Israel, Thou that guidest Joseph like a flock, O Emmanuel, O Sapientia, I give myself to Thee. I trust Thee wholly. Thou art wiser than I—more loving to me than I myself. Deign to fulfil Thy high purposes in me whatever they be—work in and through me. I am born to serve Thee, to be Thine, to be Thy instrument. Let me be Thy blind instrument. I ask not to see—I ask not to know—I ask simply to be used. – Blessed John Henry Newman

Frequent prayers from the heart have helped me. Isn’t prayer a communication to God and from God? Leave the apps and the keep the books closed for a while. In the silence of your heart talk to God and let Him speak back even if it is the looking at the beauty around you or at the smile from the passenger on the train.

Posted by midwestlady on Tuesday, Mar, 5, 2013 8:33 PM (EST):

Wait, you’re on the train for three hours and you don’t see prayer and study time right there in front of you? It’s true. Pack a great book and a rosary in your briefcase and have at it.

[You don’t even have to drive a car, which is a real time waster. But you can pray in a car; and you can even “read” in a car if it has a CD player.] That’s what the rest of us non-seminarians do.

Posted by Andrew on Tuesday, Feb, 26, 2013 12:10 PM (EST):

I’ll second the recommendation of smart phone apps that was given by Elizabeth. I have the iBreviary app, and it is an excellent resource for the Liturgy of the Hours as well as for Mass readings and many other prayers (they currently have a section for prayers of thanksgiving for Pope Benedict XVI). My train/bus commute is about 45 minutes each way, and I find that the app gives me an opportunity to fill that time with prayer rather than with frustration at the delays and indignities of public transportation.

Posted by fairlady68 on Monday, Feb, 25, 2013 9:58 PM (EST):

This was one of the most helpful articles I have read in the NC Register. Thanks for sharing it. Since I have an autism spectrum disorder and have often felt that I have been too long in limbo in terms of my vocation/mission, I was especially blessed by these lines: “...figuring out some way to carve out time, however modest, for exercising the charism(s) God has given you. He has a way of blessing such attempts with open doors that appear as you walk forward. Think of it like driving. If you are moving forward, even a little bit, it’s much easier to turn the wheel. Finally, don’t forget that these “in-between” times are part of what God uses to ready you for when he will use you. Paul spent about a decade in Antioch just cooling his heels (as far as we can see) after his big mystical encounter on the Damascus road, his sojourn in the desert, and his meeting with the apostles in Jerusalem. What was he doing? Not “nothing”. He was learning the things he needed to learn as a new disciple so that when the Holy Spirit called him and sent him out on his mission, he’d be ready. You have some mission too and God will use everything, including this aggravating period, to make you both a disciple and an apostle as you struggle to obey in the here and now. Your time will come. Meanwhile, they also serve who only stand and wait.”

Thanks again for this article Mark Shea!

Posted by Elizabeth on Sunday, Feb, 24, 2013 9:48 AM (EST):

These are such wonderful comments. Inspiring to me as well (mother of 2 who struggles to fit in a rosary a day). I strongly agree with transforming your commute into prayer time (though I hope you can eliminate the commute before too long). I’ve started to really look forward to my subway rides. I reluctantly got a smartphone, but I underestimated how much it can be used for prayer and sacred reading. I have the Breviarium Meum app for praying the traditional Office in Latin (with side-by-side English—my husband loves this but I find it a little tough, so I’m starting to use the Divine Office app in English). Also “iPieta” which has a staggering library of sacred texts. I read the entire Life of St. Teresa on it recently. And if the train is crowded and you have to stand, podcasts are wonderful. I love the sermons from Word on Fire, and recently I found incredible inspiration in the Tolkien Professor (not an overtly Christian podcast, of course, but his analysis is very much in harmony with Tolkien’s Catholicism, which is deeply built into the books). These are just a few things I’ve stumbled into, and they have given me a lot of joy—there must be so much more out there. As one person said, praying while commuting is an opportunity for evangelization (haven’t experienced that myself yet, though people may have glanced over my shoulder at what I was reading). I do find that it changes my perspective on my fellow commuters so much—helps me open my heart to all the humanity around me, rather than falling into that default feeling of annoyance and wishing for privacy.

Technically, I’m also an ex-seminarian, but am not living either the single or married life, so my advice is not first hand. I do know dozens of guys who made the shift very successfully.

Let me first say that I disagree wholeheartedly with “Subsistent” the first commenter. I understand that comment to be that God’s work is important, but that we are also created for ourselves. That seems like a sweet, but very misguided sentiment. St. Thomas is speaking of why God’s glory in this world is necessary. He does not argue that in glorifying God we are made psychologically happier, but that glorifying God is a necessary part of why we exist at all. Specifically, our Final Cause is the glory of God. Personal gratification is not and never should be a driving factor in the life of the Christian. We could argue that there is a psychological “need” to comfort, peace, security, etc… But that argument flies in the face of the great saints who sought none of these. Newman would certainly disagree with the notion that we weren’t created for the specific purpose of being integrated into God’s plan!

As for personal advice, Seminary trains you to look more deeply at things than is good or necessary in the secular world. Tedia like a commute and financial concerns combined with a dramatic shift in spiritual exercises seen through the eyes of a philosopher or a man in active formation are big issues to be addressed at the deepest root. In their secular world, they are merely a tedium. The secular world is so much more broken that the ivory tower picture presented in the seminary.

Further, a commenter in your same position concurs with most of my friends that the vocation and spiritual life of the laity is fundamentally different than the life of consecrated. Just like a body builder or a triathlete has an entirely different routine and programme than a guy who works out to maintain health. The laity are the front line shock troops of the evangelical and missionary work of the Church. You guys are awesome and you’re vocation is lived out and marked by a mobility and a facility with the world. Consecrated religious have an entirely different vocation. They are the heavy artillery. They are slower, bulkier but their docility and spiritual power is also more powerful and thus also useful. Priests are different still. I don’t want to weigh down the metaphor too much, but you get the idea.

I think once you really find a love for the lay vocation and discover the way that God wants to use you for the mission of the Church and your personal salvation (and that of your family) the specific spiritual program will work itself out. Maybe it involves the Liturgy of the Hours or theological study or Lectio and maybe it doesn’t. But once you find and embrace this new vocation, I assure you the other stuff will work itself out!

Also, from the bottom of my heart as a priest, thank you for discerning and for risking seminary and for following God’s lead! You’re going to make an amazing husband and father!
God Reward You!

Posted by Janet on Saturday, Feb, 23, 2013 10:20 AM (EST):

Also, it is VERY important to realize that being a Christian is not something that you “do” in a parish—it’s what you ARE in your heart and mind. Active ministries in the parish are things that only SOME Christians are called to do, and they must take second place to the primary duties of your state in life. That is, do active ministry to your “domestic church” before active ministry to the institutional parish which supports your domestic church.

Think of your life as a series of concentric circles: God in the middle; then your spouse; then children and parents; boss/co-workers/subordinates at work, friends, neighbors, fellow parishoners; and so on outward, ultimately encompassing every human being everywhere in the world. The only one with absolute priority is God Himself. All the others must be ordered in their proper place, but in general the bulk of your time and effort must go to the closest circles.

Posted by Ellen on Saturday, Feb, 23, 2013 5:58 AM (EST):

Whatever our situation in life, there will be struggles. I am in the sandwich generation - trying to care for an elderly father while working full time and trying to be there for my daughter and grandchildren. My prayers are snatched here and there, often while I walk from my car to work. I used to beat myself up over not praying more. But I do what I can.

Posted by Jeremy Schwager on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 6:11 PM (EST):

I’m a former seminarian too. It is really hard to adjust. I’ve been out of the seminary for about 7 years and married for almost 4 years. One has to totally readjust their prayer life when married, but you shouldn’t give up. You can please God just as much, but you may not receive the consolations in prayer you once did. Of course that is a normal part of the spiritual life. It took me and my wife a long time to learn to pray well as a couple. My best advice is to consecrate your family to Mary and pray the rosary as a family every day. The Apostolate for Family Consecration has been really valuable to me. http://www.familyholiness.com/

Posted by wife on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 4:49 PM (EST):

I wish that when I was newly married, I would have understood the importance of prayer, every single day with my husband. I used to look outside of myself, and my marriage, for additional things I could do to serve God—it was like my husband and I were on the same page, but not on the same word—that we stood side by side instead of being totally ONE. When we finally understood the radical nature of this total “one-ness”, we never needed our own space anymore. As a newlywed this might have sounded claustrophobic because I wouldn’t have understood what it was like to live this way. I love how each day begins with the rosary and holy mass which is the “heart” of our lives. We hold hands, and present ourselves to the Lord *together*. There is a deep and fulfilling Trinitarian mystery there… We have never been so happy; mentally, physically and spiritually since our lives became utterly woven together. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long to figure out what marriage truly means.

Posted by Timothy on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 3:55 PM (EST):

Ex-Seminarian here, also 28 and recently married.

The advice about “Not being a monk” is very important, and perhaps the hardest change to make without feeling guilty. You probably won’t make a daily holy hour, mass, rosary, and 1/2 hour of lectio divina. But that isn’t your vocation, your future wife is.

I live out my faith with my wife. We attend daily mass whenever possible, which since my wife became pregnant went from every weekday to 2 or 3 times a week. Most importantly, I pray with her every night before bed (and not just a Hail Mary and a Glory be, we intercede for ourselves and each other, and express our thankfulness for the joys and sufferings of the day.) It’s my favorite part of the day.

My last piece of advice was given to me by a very very holy priest: Mourn the seminary. A part of your life is over, and it’s okay to miss it. I’m very happy where I am now, and I don’t think I could have been this happy if I hadn’t taken the time to say goodbye to my life the way it was before.

Posted by Tom Botts on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 2:48 PM (EST):

I remember the adjustment from seminary to lay life. My only advice is to remember that the vocation to the married life is different than the vocation to the priesthood or religious life. For years I remembered the time in the novitiate as the best time in my life even though it became obvious to me that I was not called to that life. As the years have gone on, I found that I have been able to revive some of the spiritual practices from seminary. For example, when my children were young, I went to Mass on Sunday and did some activities at the parish like reader or Holy Name Society. I also had a long train ride and I used it for reading the Bible. As the children got older and life got less hectic, I was able to add the Liturgy of the Hours and Knights of Columbus. When the children were adolescents I was able to become an oblate of a monastery. So I was able to start using the rule of Saint Benedict to help guide my life. With adjustments, of course, since I am a married lay man, not a monk or religious.

Today I am retired andmy children are in their 30s and one is in her 40s. So I can do more, but still have to remember my vocation is marriage and my duties to my wife and adult children and grandchildren are priorities in my life. So even now, I have to adjust what I can do because of my vocation and not confuse myself trying to act like a monk.

Posted by Kate on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 2:33 PM (EST):

The commute sounds like a great time for prayer. I’m using the Pray-As-You-Go guided meditation podcast to get prayer time in while I clean houses, and I really love having the combination of scripture, guided meditation, and silent prayer time that it provides. (That’s a British Catholic resource, very cool!)

My other recommendation is to read St. Francis de Sales - Introduction to the Devout Life is good - to learn how your devotions and life with God should ‘fit’ your vocation and station in life. You are NOT expected nor obligated to pray or live the way a seminarian, priest or religious does, and in some cases trying to do so may even be delitorious to your faith life and your vocation.

Posted by Ironic Catholic on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 2:12 PM (EST):

No great insight but I am very sympathetic. Use the train commute to read the liturgy of the hours through Magnificat or Give Us This day, and the rosary is a good idea too. Keep a prayer journal on the train. While involvement in the parish is good, there are good Catholics who can only be involved in parishes on Sundays.

I would be very leery of people who tell you to readjust the bar lower. It is different, being a lay Catholic, but the call to holiness is the same. Your call is to be leaven in the world. Strive to arrange your life to prayer, yes, but to a VERY active apostolate.

Creating a rule of life may be helpful. Can you go on retreat, perhaps with your fiancee, to consider what that could look like for you two?

Finally, you may want to think third orders. They often give a lot of support for striving for holiness in the lay and married vocation.

Peace!

Posted by The Academic on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 1:35 PM (EST):

As a recently-married 28 year old, I understand quite well the turmoil and challenge of being engaged and working full time. In a sense, the primary “call” you might have right now is to prepare yourself to marry worthily. They call it a “vocation” for a reason: marriage IS part of your call to holiness, as well as the primary way in which you are going to change the world. That looks different from other ministries, but it’s just as important. From your holy matrimony will flow graces that sanctify you and your wife; you may be blessed with children, who will need to be loved, nurtured, and guided in the Faith and in the world. And when you’ve settled into marriage and family life(allow yourself a year or two to do this, because it’s a big life change with a lot of learning), THEN be on the lookout for other ministries and work. The Lord will send them to you—AND He’ll send you the energy and the abilities with them.

Peace be with you,
K

Posted by Thdoeore M. Seeber on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 12:59 PM (EST):

And pray the rosary on the train. I did that in my previous commute, and it turned into extraordinary opportunity for evangelization.

Also, I recently had a family friend in a similar situation. I encouraged him to join Knights of Columbus. His e-mail to me after his 3rd Degree? “I was blind and now I see”.

Posted by Devin Rose on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 12:49 PM (EST):

Yes, move closer to work or get a different job. Those hours on the train will soon be hours away from your family, and you want to maximize the time with your family.

Posted by Stu on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 12:43 PM (EST):

Perhaps our former seminarian is having a hard time with the realization that he isn’t a seminarian any longer and he needs to readjust the bar a bit.
Not everyone is called to be a monk with such a prayer life. There have been a few instance in my life while deployed at sea that I could actually pray the Little Office daily. But back at home with my family, not really possible. Perhaps later in life I will get the opportunity again, but not now. I’ve got to take care of my family (and that does include prayer) but the balance is more, at this stage in my life, towards their practical care.

Posted by Subsistent on Friday, Feb, 22, 2013 10:06 AM (EST):

Whenever I read or hear that God created each of us in order to do some special job, and or/created us for His glory, I feel the urge (the OCD?) to point out that we weren’t created *only* in order to be God’s functionaries (as I’m sure Mr. Shea and J. H. Newman agree). For altho God wants us to admire and love and glorify Him, it’s not for His own glory, but because in doing this we ourselves are fulfilled and happier, somewhat as we enjoy loving and admiring a beautiful sunset, or beautiful music, or a beautiful and good person. As Thomas Aquinas put it, “God seeks His glory not for His own sake but for ours.” (“Deus gloriam suam quaerit non propter se, sed propter nos.” — Summa Theol., II-II, Q. 132, art. 1, ad 1.)

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Mark Shea

Mark P. Shea is a popular Catholic writer and speaker. The author of numerous books, his most recent work is The Work of Mercy (Servant) and The Heart of Catholic Prayer (Our Sunday Visitor). Mark contributes numerous articles to many magazines, including his popular column “Connecting the Dots” for the National Catholic Register. Mark is known nationally for his one minute “Words of Encouragement” on Catholic radio. He also maintains the Catholic and Enjoying It blog. He lives in Washington state with his wife, Janet, and their four sons.