A French satirist's view of Europe

Bonjour! I am Francois Francaise, France's leading satirist. I laugh at your pathetic English attempts at satire on this LeSpoof website. By that I mean of course that I do not laugh at it at all, because it is not funny. I bet you couldn't even grow a satirical moustache if you tried.

France is the home of satire - we invented it. Always remember, satire is like a metaphor.

So let me begin. The European Union is like an abattoir. Germany is like the butcher, a fat greasy balding man with a moustache, wearing an apron and chopping up the meat. Greece is like a goose which has been fattened for the making of fois gras, overfed until its liver explodes. Greece is now ready for eating. Mmm, delicieux!

Let me continue. In this image, Spain is like a doe-eyed whore, draped across the counter in a ripped basque. Germany stands over her not knowing whether to slaughter her or to make love to her.

But where is France in all this slaughter? France is the butcher's wife, of course. France has the sexiest country, and all the others want a piece of it. You know it to be true.

As for Britain. Britain is a gentleman customer in a bowler hat who comes into the butcher shop and buys some roast beef. He gorges himself on the roast beef, he loves it so much, because he is such a fat greedy pig. Why, he is even fatter than the German butcher. Then - and this is the important bit - he refuses to pay for the roast beef. Outrageous!

This has been a French satirical view of Europe. I tip my beret to you, but do not forget that it is a satirical beret.