ISSN: 1525-898XObservations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video,
raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance
of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

* Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the
Salvation Army.
* Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to
panhandlers on the street.

* Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving
them fruitcakes.
* Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

* Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
* Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

* When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for egg nog or mulled wine.
* Democrats ask for a "BUD".

* When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
* Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.

* Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
* So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

* Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement.
* Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of
their hair.

* Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
* Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot
each other with dolls.

* Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating
the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
* Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to
enjoy the scenery.

* Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly
maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas Cards.
* Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing
it again.

* Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
* Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Runover by a
Reindeer."
* Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas."
* Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".

* Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
* Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week
before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

* Democratic men like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends
or mothers fix holiday meals.
* On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

* Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
* Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.

* Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped
believing in Santa Claus........
* Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in
Santa Claus...

The new governor of California came within a hair of victory with his
observation "Gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a
woman."

A Tory party ex-chairman got close by noting "Having committed political
suicide, the Conservative party is now living to regret it."

But Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Chris Patten were beaten to the punch
yesterday. The award for most baffling remark by a public figure went to an
old master of obfuscation, Donald Rumsfeld.

The US defense secretary scooped the Plain English Campaign's premier Foot
In Mouth trophy for his 62-word attempt to clarify a point to a defense
department meeting:

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are
always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there
are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is
to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also
unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know".

"We think we know what he means", said John Lister, a Plain English
campaign spokesman, "but we don't know if we really know".

Previous winners include the actor Richard Gere and the artist Tracey Emin.

The campaign was set up in 1979 to combat official jargon, circumlocution
and muddling information. It has worked with, and provided training for,
more than 1,000 private and governmental organisations, including
two-thirds of Britain's local authorities.

One of this year's Golden Bull awards for unclear English has uncovered a
man who is an unrepentant master of mixed metaphors. Yousef El-Deiry, UK
airports manager for the charter airline JMC, writing in the airline
magazine, noted that late summer was "historically characterised by
pre-maturity, both in terms of psychological wind-down and shedding of
temporary staff.

"The irony is that it is in the latter stages of a race or championship
that fortunes are made or, lost, and where heroes are born or die, and we
should be in no doubt that 'it ain't over until the fat lady sings' ", he
went on.

"The approach, which I wish to advocate to all our ground team, is to look
at the last third of the season as a 'light at the end of the tunnel', the
long sought-after jewel in the crown, remaining resolute to sprint to victory."

News that he had won a Golden Bull award prompted Mr El-Deiry to even
fuller-throated eloquence: "I was told the cliches in my article were as
plain as the nose on my face, but it all looked like Queen's English to me.

"Besides, what's a little cliche amongst colleagues? There is truth in
every cliche: worse things happen at sea, when it rains it pours - and even
a blind squirrel finds an acorn, once in a while."