Why Your Pizza Delivery Guy Hates You

​They work hard to deliver hot, cheesy goodness to your front door and expect only a paltry tip in return. They are pizza guys and their stories deserve to be heard. The following is the tale as told to me by such a pizza guy. Should he attach his name to this bit of prose it is absolutely certain that he would be fired by the corporate pizza powers that be. To preserve his job (and my extra large with pepperoni and mushrooms) while allowing him a theraputic release, I present to you the reasons your pizza delivery guy hates you.

Recently, New Times intern Sarah Ventre provided an exhaustive list of reasons why your cocktail waitress hates you (Note: Sarah works at an indie bar that has a sense of humor about this sort of thing. This pizza guy's corporate bosses do not.) Judging by some of the comments her article received, the list clearly hit a nerve -- both with her fellow servers who share her pain and with the rude customers who got a sobering dose of reality.

Not to be outdone, I have decided that, as an even lower member of the food service hierarchy, I deserve to have my voice heard.

I am a pizza guy.

I'm not really sure why pizza guys are viewed with such pity and disdain by the general public, but please understand that telling people you're a waitress/server is like telling them you're a Fortune 500 CEO compared to telling people you deliver pizzas.

Exhibit A:

Q: How do you get a University of Nebraska graduate off your doorstep?

So, yeah, I'm not familiar with any college football jokes or Onion articles featuring servers as the punchline. I don't want to turn this into a pizza guys vs. servers debate, since, in the words of the late, great Eazy-E, we're all in the same gang. But it's at least worth noting that, unlike a server, whose primary challenge is delivering your food from the kitchen to your table in a reasonable amount of time, a pizza guy uses his own vehicle filled with gas he paid for and literally risks life and limb to bring your dinner to your front fucking door.

At a bare minimum, being a pizza guy requires the ability to read a map, understand block numbering systems (which, in the Valley, inexplicably vary from one suburb to the next) and know which way is north, south, east or west. If you think these are fairly simple criteria, you probably haven't asked the average person for directions lately.

So without further ado, here is my list of reasons why your pizza guy hates you. It's not a comprehensive list (I don't think New Times has the bandwidth for that), and I'm not going to rank them or give them clever names. These are just the biggest pet peeves I've accumulated in nearly two decades of delivering pizzas. If I can change the behavior of even a handful of jackass customers, then this has been time well spent.

You're a shitty tipper

Okay, we might as well get this one out of the way right out of the gate. Unless your pizza guy shows up two hours late with cold pizza, warm soda and a cigarette dangling from his mouth, there is simply no excuse for stiffing us or giving us a shitty tip. It might be hard to believe, but nine times out of 10, when your pizza guy shows up a little late, it probably wasn't even his fault. We can only deliver orders as fast as they come out of the oven and most of the time, late orders are the result of the store being understaffed and subsequently falling behind on the production end. Ideally in this situation, you hope that the manager in charge is communicating with order-takers and making sure that customers are being quoted a reasonable delivery time when they place their order. In the real world, this isn't always the case. But try to keep in mind that even if the store has fallen behind and you get your pizza 20 minutes later than you were quoted, odds are good that it's still hot and fresh out of the oven. It's not like the driver has been running personal errands while your pizza is getting cold in his passenger seat.

Rather than stiffing the driver, a better way to resolve the situation would be to call the pizza place and (politely) let the manager know that you were disappointed with your experience. You'll most likely get some sort of compensation for your next order. On the off chance that the delivery driver was actually at fault, a customer complaint is much more likely to light a fire under his ass than a shitty tip.

In my experience, however, most shitty tips are less a result of bad service than of customer ignorance or apathy. Here are some common excuses for giving a shitty tip (or no tip at all), followed by why you are either wrong or just don't care:

"There was a delivery charge already added to the order."

Yes, most pizza places add a delivery charge to your order, but not all of that goes to the driver. Some of it is used to offset the insurance costs involved with having delivery drivers on the road. The rest of it (usually between 75 cents and $1.50) is, in fact, given to the driver. However, this is not a "tip." When you add up the cost of gas, plus the costs of repairs and maintenance on a vehicle that logs anywhere from 50-200 miles per shift, we wouldn't even break even on delivery fees alone.

"Pizza guys make a better hourly wage than servers."

While this is generally true, it is starting to change. The place that I work at, for example, pays drivers minimum wage while they're in the store, but only $4.25/hour while they're on a delivery. For a driver who works primarily rush shifts and spends most of his/her time on the road, they are making almost exactly what a server would make. Generally speaking, pizza guys don't expect as much as the 18-20 percent you should be tipping servers. As a rule of thumb, an acceptable tip for a pizza guy is whatever is greater between $3 or 10 percent of the bill. Of course, if you can afford to tip more than that, it is greatly appreciated, because there will always be assholes out there who stiff the pizza guy regardless.

"Sorry. I don't have any cash on me."

Um, did you notice the little line on the credit card slip you just signed that read "tip"? You can go ahead and write it in there. The store will reimburse me, I promise. Alternately, maybe you could ask one of your 20 or so co-workers standing right behind you to loan you a few bucks so you can tip the pizza guy. Just sayin'.

"Sorry. I can't really afford to give you a tip. Times are tough, you know."

To quote the first commenter from Sarah's article, "cry me a river." If you're so broke, go eat at fucking McDonald's. Or better yet, go to the grocery store and cook your own goddamn food. Times are tough for everyone, and I rely on tips to pay my mortgage and put food in my pets' bowls. If you can't afford to tip the pizza guy, you shouldn't be ordering pizza in the first place.

"There's no law that says I have to tip. If you don't like it, ask your boss for a raise or get a different job."

Listen, dickwad, while you are technically correct that you are not mandated to tip anyone for anything, that's just how the system works, and people like you are taking advantage of that system. Let's imagine for a moment that everyone shared your point of view. If nobody tipped, then nobody would work for the shit wages that tipped employees get paid. Employers would have to pay those employees more, and if you think that cost isn't going to get passed on to the customer by simply charging more for the product, then you need to go back to school and sign up for Econ 101. You're either going to pay $12 for your pizza and tip the pizza guy $3, or you're eventually just going to pay $15 for your pizza. Pick your poison, cheapskate.

One final note on tipping: Before you decide to stiff the pizza guy, it's a good idea to keep in mind that we are bringing you food that you're going to ingest into your system. Pizza guys (and servers, for that matter) have memories like elephants and we will remember who tips poorly and who tips well. While I can honestly say that I have never spat in or otherwise "altered" a customer's food because they have tipped me poorly, there are plenty of other people in the food service industry with fewer scruples than me. One thing I will freely admit to, though, is playing favorites. If I'm leaving the store with two or more deliveries and one of them is going to a customer who consistently tips poorly, you'd better believe that order is getting delivered last, regardless of which one is older. By the same token, if I know one of them is a consistently good tipper, that order is getting taken first. So just remember the old axiom - you get what you pay for (and sometimes, god forbid, a little something extra).

With that out of the way, let's look at some of the more minor ways you can piss off your pizza guy:

You won't answer your phone

Ever wonder why the first thing you're asked for when placing a pizza order is your phone number? It's so that if we have a question about your order, we can actually contact you. Sometimes unforeseen shit comes up. Maybe we're out of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi or anchovies. Maybe the order-taker got your address wrong. Maybe I was attacked by a pack of javelinas en route to your house. In any case, if you don't provide a working phone number that you're willing to answer, we can't relay any of this information to you and find a mutually agreeable solution. Just answer your damn phone.

If it took 2 and half hours to make 4 deliveries, on a mother fucking Wednesday, you shouldn't be delivering food.

Especially if you're excuse is "I had 3 other deliveries" and you can't even feign concern for being over 1:30 late with my meal. If there's ever a real reason to be that late, you'd call the customer / store to inform them.

We'll this guy literally had no fucks to give, so I tipped him accordingly... 50 cents on a 20 dollar order :)

I used to do delivery as well, if you take customer service for granted, don't expect a tip.

Just because everyone else does it doesn't mean that I have to as well. You got the job, you know how shitty it is, so don't expect a handout just because.

If I get great service in a cab, I give that man almost 30 percent or more, sometimes 40, especially if he helps me carry the groceries to the door. But if the guy doesn't say shit and drops us off, then he gets the standard 15 percent or less, depending if I really want to wait for him to give me some change or not. Why should I tip more than the 10 or 15 percent when you give me average/mediocre service? So what if you're overloaded - that means that you're probably going to make more money that night anyway, and it all balances out. I rarely give a bad tip, yes, but I do it out of charity instead of obligation. So don't go around the Internet ranting and raving about how people don't give a good enough tip, when you don't give them a good enough fucking reason for them to give one. So go fuck yourself.

yeah, that never happens n if n when it does trust me ain't some super hot babe, it's some old ugly bitch askin you if you want her to leave her teeth in, meanwhile your @ the doorstep trying to be professional n tryin to get the hell outta there

WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T TIP FOR A DELIVERED PIZZA? THE KID WHO IS HOME ALONE BUYING A PIZZA CAUSE MOM IS OUT FUCKING HER BOSS SO SHE LEFT MONEY FOR HIM TO EAT, MOST BLACK PEOPLE WITH KIDS, AND SINGLE WHITE DIVORCED GUY. THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS. WE STOPPED DELIVERING TO THE GHETTO SINCE WE GOT ROBBED AS WELL (NOTICE NO ONE OPENS UP DELIVERY PLACES IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?) AND WE MAKE YOUR PIZZA STOP LAST EVEN IF IT'S OUT OF THE WAY JUST TO PISS YOU OFF YOUR KID OR MR. SINGLE WHITE DIVORCED GUY JUST CAUSE HE'S AN ASSHOLE. OTHER THAN THAT, EVERYONE TIPS. IT MAY NOT BE A LOT, BUT AT LEAST THEY FUCKING TIP...........ON A SIDE NOTE, ANYONE EVER NOTICE MEXICANS DON'T ORDER PIZZA? WTF IS UP WITH THAT? PIZZA IS FUCKING GOOD.........OH WAIT, THEIR WOMEN COOK LOL...........and what's great about delivering pizza? cops let you get away with speeding cause guess what? THEY ORDER PIZZA TOO...............IF YOU EVER WANT TO COMMIT A CRIME AND NEED TO GET AWAY IN A CAR? HAVE A PIZZA TOPPER IN YOUR CAR AND PLOP IT ON TOP AFTER. WHO'S GONNA THINK THE PIZZA GUY JUST ROBBED SOMEONE?

I know way too many pizza delivery men and women to know that "It's not like the driver has been running personal errands while your pizza is getting cold in his passenger seat" is REMOTELY true. You asshats do that ALL THE TIME. I will never tip a late order. Take it up with whoever is quoting me times if you insist that it's not your fault.

Working in the pizza delivery business, all I can say is bravo. I don't understand people that don't tip, or don't understand common courtesy. It really makes me want to go the their business and greatly abuse their services.

You are dumber then your statement. I do the job as a second job nothing more nothing less. But I assure you that If I can find out where you live I am pretty sure we can get the delivery driver to make sure 30 minutes after you eat that thing you are sitting on the can blowing your as$ out and using the trash can to puke in

I agree with the post above me. No wonder your life sucks, if you go through life with such a shit attitude, driving stoned. And calling someone's kids little fuckers? I agreed with you until those two comments. You should get fired for this.

Pizza deliver guys are like the mafia, they run a forced tipping racket. You don't tip them what they believe to be enough? Well, the next time you order, they'll drop your pizza on the floor or worse.

My poor drivers. I do not envy them their job. To become management at House of a Thousand Pizzas I had to deliver 2 pizzas. I took both of them on foot to neighboring establishments. Stop by at www.houseofathousandpizzas.blo... and you'll see some real horror stories that happens behind the doors.

I posted this as a reply to one of the dumb fucks further down but I'm going to post it up here so people actually read it.

NO TIP= NO CLASS. I guarantee you every single person you've stiffed has thought to them self "cheap bastard". You were probably raised by a cheap bastard too because that's how people learn to be selfish and frugal to strangers (and probably family).

Don't wanna tip? Move to the UK. Tipping is rarely heard of there. You know why? Because people in food service there aren't working for a wage that doesn't get you anywhere but bellow the poverty line! I sure as shit hope you don't live here in California... and god forbid New York. People usually tip 15-25% MINIMUM percent of the order- like I do. Why? Because people have class there for the most part. Because I've been working in restaurants/food service restaurants for around 6 years ( I was 14 when I started working) and their are people behind you're slave laborers that accommodate you and for god sakes is it THAT hard to give them something like 3 bucks?! You need those 3 dollars for your own damn self. How rude! What an ugly, ignorant person you are.

In my opinion, people should have to work in a restaurant environment in order to demand service at one- so they fucking understand.

NO TIP= NO CLASS. I guarantee you every single person you've stiffed has thought to them self "cheap bastard". You were probably raised by a cheap bastard too because that's how people learn to be selfish and frugal to strangers (and probably family).

Don't wanna tip? Move to the UK. Tipping is rarely heard of there. You know why? Because people in food service there aren't working for a wage that doesn't get you anywhere but bellow the poverty line! I sure as shit hope you don't live here in California... and god forbid New York. People usually tip 15-25% MINIMUM percent of the order- like I do. Why? Because people have class there for the most part. Because I've been working in restaurants/food service restaurants for around 6 years ( I was 14 when I started working) and their are people behind you're slave laborers that accommodate you and for god sakes is it THAT hard to give them something like 3 bucks?! You need those 3 dollars for your own damn self. How rude! What an ugly, ignorant person you are.

In my opinion, people should have to work in a restaurant environment in order to demand service at one- so they fucking understand.

OK well continue to get takeout. It's rude to complain about something when it doesn't even pertain to you. It's also rude to assume that any position at any job is easy. Just because you have to use your brain slightly less you don't work as hard as other people? Besides the fact that any person doing a favor for you deserves compensation, these guys are driving a two ton piece of metal... racing across gravel/asphalt... at any speed... that can easily crush the person inside it along with your food. If gratuity is added at a restaurant, it is because of cheap bastards like you. the 2.50 they charge for deliveries is because of cheap bastards like you. These "pizza delivery boys", as you put them are entitled to one or two dollars extra because they are working and providing you with a service. How is this not worth 22 bucks in which only 2 go to the driver; when people pay high as 80 an hour for some guy to install a virus protection program on their computer.while sitting down.

Besides all that just stop being an asshole in general. You sound like there is a giant stick up your ass. I hope every place you failed to tip will refuse you service.

Dick Weed - every Pizza that is delivered with out a TIP is partially subsidized by the driver. The area I drive in the longest round trip is 13 miles, the average is 7-8. My car which gets 18 MPG on the highway, has been averaging 13 since I started this job. So on average, that is at least 1 gallon of gas for every 2 runs. Papa John's pays 1.35 per run to cover gas, maintenance, and all other vehicle expenses. Doing the math, 1 gallon gas/2 = $3.80/2 = $1.90/per run in gas costs alone resulting in a short fall in $.55 fuel costs with each delivery. The only other compensation from Papa John's is the 4.85 sub-minimum hourly wage. In a single night I put on from 100 + 160 miles. I have a car that is only 4 years old & still covered by warranty, but I still have to pay for oil changes every 6-8 weeks. I had a flat tire last week, in the middle of a shift. Every 6-8 months I will need at least 2 tires ($300), new break pads (If am very lucky $150), and a tune-up ($150 or more).

" So what if you're overloaded - that means that you're probably going to make more money that night anyway, and it all balances out."

- one of those dickheads that says make it up in volume. If you are losing money, then increasing volume only increases losses.

So, in fact, in your case it is your lowly pizza driver that is providing pond scum like you charity.

that would be awesome, i'd love to have any of my non-tippers work just an hour of my shift (w/ their own car n gas of course, ain't using mine) let's be fair though pizza driver 4 pizzas to deliver for one of the ignoant fucks, they'd be out all night looking for places, oh n idk bout u but, if i see a non-tipper broke down even though i always carry a gas can, cables, flat repair kit n a compressor oh and i've been working on cars for 23 years and can rebuild an engine blind folded (so much for your 'stupid delivery drivers" theory huh LAkawak) i don't stop to help, i just drive by n laugh

Thank God most people are in fact not like you. And, if I was a cheap bastard that tipped only out of fear, I would be much more concerned about eating out. I have heard many more stories of Waitress/Bartenders/Cooks adding gross extras to the food of crappy customers. I've never seen or heard of another driver (other than on these types of blogs where I think the drivers are exaggerating) actually doing anything worse than not offering extras, depriving customers of our cheerful side, not hustling for a deadbeat and delivering others before delivering your, still hot but 7-10 minutes older pizza. And, you really have to stiff us in a very obnoxious manner, or repeat it at least a few times if it was less memorable before your drivers will remember you.

Let's make a deal, if you want to be a cheap jerk, then drive yourself and pick up your own pizza rather than blaming us for the extra 3-4 bucks you pay (2.5 delivery fee that Papa John's keeps + your lousy tip). I bet you won't, because in the end, you know it is worth it.

I would like to add my pet peeve, which are again parents that have the kids pay. But, in this scenario, the parent doesn't give the kid a tip which they pocket (which really does happen much more than you think your child is capable of). In this case they are having the kid pay so that they do not have to acknowledge the driver. We have a couple of these our store delivers to, and it is particularly crappy. I can understand if things are tough and they can't afford it, but these people have to drive right past the store going home after work. They should just carry out and save another 2.50 if they are that hard up.

the part where you have to defend the pizza from a gang of assailants? is it when the pizza suddenly has a stroke and must be resuscitated? does the pizza call you names and hurt your feelings? does the pizza jump up on your lap while you're trying to drive?

please enlighten me as to the perils of the cruel tragic world of pizza delivery.

@Bezerker If you don't have a car that can survive a pizza delivery route then it was irresponsible of you to take the job. Put on your big boy pants and stop blaming your customers.

I tipped my pizza delivery guy $10 on a single large pizza and all he had to say was "You should change the numbers on your house because I couldn't see them".

Motherfucker, do NOT come up on my property and tell me how to decorate my house because I will end you, you ungrateful little shit.

How bout you mapquest some directions or get a GPS or use somebody's iPhone or you know, work a little bit? This is exactly why people like him and people like you are going to deliver pizzas the rest of your life.

@Bezerker You're a big baby, and your weak tolerance for not getting tipped what you consider to be "enough" reflects that very strongly. You're an overgrown, immature, baby-bitch. :)) wittle baby want a bottle? baby gonna cry?