July 08, 2007

Dr. Tex Rorschach, Frontier Psychiatrist (MP3)

Back in the day, long before I discovered WFMU and other weird radio stations, I caught The Avalanches' music video for Frontier Psychiatrist (YouTube link) on MTV, and I was immediately hooked by its bizarre beauty. And memorable lines like "That boy needs therapy" and "And he also made false teeth" were stuck in my head ever since. Many of those were sampled from the 1959 comedy piece "Frontier Psychiatrist" by Wayne and Shuster, Canadian pioneers of live radio comedy. In an attempt to finally get all of these quotes out of my head, here it is: Wayne and Shuster - Frontier Psychiatrist (MP3).

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It's worth mentioning that Frontier Psychiatrist (the Avalanches song) also samples heavily from John Waters' Polyester (that's Divine crying, "Surely expulsion is not the answer?", to which the doctor replies, "It is the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane!").

Wayne and Shuster have the distinction of appearing on The Ed Sullivan Show more than any other act in the history of the show. Fifty-eight times. After decades of television reruns, they anathema to most Canadians. The late Frank Shuster was also Lorne Michaels' father-in-law.

Dinah Shore always appeared to many as a sweet loving lady with the purest, warmest heart of any clebrity However, My Hollywood mentor Jack Elliot who wrote the song that made Dinah famous; "It's So Nice To Have A Man Around The House," spoke of her differently. Jack told of his life as a child and how rotten he was and how his wealthy parents threw him out of the house and how he had to survive making a living on the streets. He became a pimp and wrote a book about it titled; "From Riches to Rags to Riches." He had full factual knowledge of the real world ads it really is and that no one can deny. Jack survived to later become famous having the reputation of becoming the number one song writer ever to have written more songs for films than any other song writer. Jack goes back to the old Dick Powel days of musicals. He was more famous for his awesome knowledge of "Human Relations," he learned from the streets of the "Real World" He taught many Hollywood celebrities how to not get carried away with all their publicity and to keep their heads out of the clouds and stay down to earth. Jack would teach by a show of real live people. He taught Dinah his "Real World" style human relations. I will continue Dinah's story following this;

He was a close friend of Doris Day and Marty Melcher and saw what the future would hold with her life if she continued to believe her fans really loved her as they showed. She rejected his sound advice. "Doris,he would repeat over and over; "You are headed for a big fall that could destroy you if you don't get your head out of the clouds." She would pacify Jack by assuring him her fans really love her. Doris, he would say; You must understand, "People don't like people, they like the way people make them feel and when you get a little older and not so bubbly on the screen your fans will abandon you completely and jump onto another celebrity who will make them feel good. Many times this writer heard jack warn her that she was going to the dogs if she didn't take heed to his "Real World" advice. She never did. Jack probably knew Marty was spending her into bankruptcy on his lavish recording studio, etc. but, how can one tell her that. We all felt so bad for her when her fans abandoned her as Jack predicted wakeing up to Jack's real world advice. She lost faith in her fans and people in general obviously feeling she could no longer cope with people and reality. Doris was a good, rare kind of person who kept her idealism intact and that's to be respected and admired, but those of us who are like her must get educated to learn that other people on this planet are not like we are to avoid the kind of hurt that Doris suffered.

Jack asked me to go to the TV studio that was vedio taping Dinah's "Chevy
Show" He told of her having 50=- important people of the film business, she needed to keep her popular, on her list and he was of course on that lise. He stated she would make personel contact with them all within six weeks at a time so her face would be fresh in their minds. She didn't have time to waste with them so she did her, what Jack called her butter up routine on each contact, in thirty seconds. "I want you to see how skilled she is with her rendition of what I taught her and what she does to me, he said. On the way to the studio Jack called her a bitch and confessed that he hated her guts and she knew it but she did it to him anyway had to admire and respect her for her real talent and learning his teachings. He taught "Touching" and that has to be rehearsed well to make sure her touch's could never be construed as sexual. That would destroy the image of her touch that she wanted as portray as pure warmth and love for a dear friend. When we arrived we were about halfway between the studio and studio cafe so when Dinah came out to go back to the studio she would see him. Jack stated that she hadn't seen him in almost six weeks and was looking for him. He asked me to stand away from him about ten feet and check my watch for the thirty seconds and watch his face as she did a masteful job on him. Dinah and friend came out of the cafe talking and laughing and when she spotted Jack she skirted over to him grabbing him hugging and kissing his cheek looking boiled over to see him. When she left I looked at my watch and at his face. When he woke up wiping the silly grin off his face, he yelled; "Did you count the thirty seconds? Did you see what that bitch did to me? you see my face? I taught that bitch and she does it to me. I answered yes. Jack was one of a kind. Those of us who knew Jack and have benefited much from his expert "Human Relations" really miss him. I understand his teachings are still today taught to Hollywood celebrities. Respectfully Submitted, Kirby Allan Web site; ExoticaAndBeyond.com

"THAT IS JUDY GARLAND?" This shocking question was asked actor "Edward G. Robinson," I had been joking with, at a very private Hollywood party, in the early sixties, by yours truely, one who was invited.

The shock was a very heavy haggard looking lady passing by me on the way to the door sobbing, with her make up smeared over her face, after being comforted by other celeb's at the party assureing her that everything will be OK.

She was dressed in drab black and as she opened the door to leave her rear was so huge her dress made a norizontal arc exposing legs that looked like an elephant.

I'm so sorry and am not knocking Judy, on the contrary, She was an avid fan of mine, I loved her dearly. She always looked so beautiful on the screen.

Yes that is Judy Garland!! Robinson answered. After the shock wore off I felt so much sympathy for judy with her being such a Hollywood icon for so long.

Strange as it may seem Edward G. Robinson was so much funnier at that party than commedian Milton Berle who was also present.

There are more stories about Hollywood celeb's I could share with those who may be interested. Respectfully Submitted, Kirby Allan