Shannon Evans pleas for an end to Obedience-Based Christian Parenting, especially for adopted children, in a very well written post. This is a good post to share with pro-spankers because she explains the danger of the mindset without condemning spankers. I realize that many of my followers are disappointed in this post and claiming that it does not go far enough. We have to understand that there is a time and place for baby steps. People rarely jump from pro-spanker to anti-spanker in moment of epiphany. Such a change is usually a long, arduous journey. Information taken in at each step of the way will either push them further along on the way or push them backwards. A blog post which condemns all spanking is often rejected and may even push them right back to their starting spot. It is clear from this post that the author has come a long way and is in danger of alienating many people she loves by posting this. I applaud her courage and passionate plea.

Aha. Welcome to my long winded “Why I don’t believe in spanking” post.

You will soon find that spanking isn’t the whole issue with me. I don’t believe in punishment at all (GASP!).

‘Course permissiveness can be unhealthy as well, so I am setting out on this parenting journey to tread not somewhere in between those two evils, but outside the whole paradigm altogether. Onward, fellow travelers! To the land of gentle discipline! (I’m cheesy and I know it… beeeooouuup beeouup beoup beoup beoup beoup beoup. Girl, look at that baby. He drinks milk! Okay, yes. Too much coffee. I’m out of control.)

Now that you know what you’re getting yourself into (should you choose to read on), allow me to indulge in a disclaimer. [Read more…]

Michael Pearl says that his teachings are Biblical. Lee Woofenden does not agree and he explains why in his post, To Train Up A Child, or: Spare the Rod? What Rod? This is a long article and worth the read. He points out, among other things, that Mr. Pearl is actually teaching parents to condition their children which is not Biblical.

forgedimagination has a very interesting series about Choices and Children Being Allowed to Make Them.

Part 1 in which she shares a story from her childhood about being allowed to make choices.

Part 2 in which she tells us about how her right to make choices came to be taken away and introduces a petition for the Home School Legal Defense Association to openly acknowledge that homeschoolers can also be abusers, and to educate their members about child abuse.

Part 3 in which she explains how inherently abusive it is to raise children with the doctrine of Instance Obedience.

Did Voddie Baucham really say that a shy child who refuses to obey a parent and say hello to him is sinning? Cindy of Under Much Grace provides the evidence (in the form of a transcribed audio clip) so that you can decide for yourself.

Do your children fear getting in trouble? Dara Stoltzfus shows us how dangerous it can be for children to fear their parents in a *very* sensitive post. Honestly, I wish I had never read this post. It is so disturbing that I will just summarize it for the sensitive. A 9 year old girl put herself into the worse situation imaginable because she was more afraid of getting in trouble than she was of a stranger. Horrific. Why would a child who had done nothing wrong be afraid to go home and instead seek refuge with a stranger? Please don’t allow your children to be afraid of you. Even a child who has done something wrong should not be afraid of their parents. Perfect love casts out all fear.

So, how should we get our children to obey? Please see what MamaPsalmist has to say about Obedience.

Sarah explains why she does not believe in spanking in a well researched and chatty post entitled, A person’s a person no matter how small. She also answers some common arguments for spanking with counter arguments, which many will find helpful.

Former Pearl follower Becky, from Created To Be His, shares a letter she wrote explaining her concerns with the Pearls and their teachings. In this letter she also explains what these teachings have to do with the death of Lydia Schatz and includes quotes from the book.

Meanwhile, Dulce de Leche considers Defiance and the Thought Police in a very important post. Are you punishing your children for obeying but with a defiant attitude? Are you expecting them to obey right away with a convincing smile? If so, you are ordering them to pretend to feel something they don’t. You are ordering them to lie and be hypocrites. God does not have a problem with emotional outbursts, but He hates lying and hypocrisy. Dulce also warns,

The child is left with two options: lie convincingly or never question anything internally, not even to understand it better . . . Over years of practice, both options are exceedingly dangerous. You wind up with a compulsive people pleaser who will lie convincingly without qualm or someone who believes everything and never thinks for himself.

Missizzy posted a Recipe For Disaster on the Websleuths.com message board which explains what happened to Lydia and Hanna. You might be interested in the rest of the conversation, it is really quite interesting. I hope it is ok for me to link to this. If anyone objects, please email me at hermanalinda@whynottrainachild.com and I will remove this entire paragraph.

I also thought I’d mention this post from Civil Thoughts about Adoption Education because that is so important.

Elizabeth Esther posted about the 20/20 exposé of abuse in some IBF churches and interprets Pastor Brian Fuller’s remarks. She explains the teaching of first time obedience and how common the spanking of infants really in these churches. By the way, some of the comments of this blog post seem to have inside information in them.

Also, I want to make it clear that not all Independent Fundamental Baptist Churches have abusive teachings. I am a member of an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church which does not. The pastor often reminds us that salvation is by faith in Jesus and what He did alone and you cannot add anything to that. He reminds us that saying a prayer or baptism or anything else will not save you, you are saved by believing that what Jesus said and did is true. They do believe in corporal punishment but I have never heard of anyone there spanking an infant or using an implement. While they might say that they believe in wifely submission, what I see looks more like mutual submission. I see no signs of the patriarchal movement, most of the women in that church wear pants. They also cut and dye their hair and nobody says a word about it. Women work outside the home and girls are expected to go to college. On top of that, many in the congregation uses public schools. So, I don’t know how extensive the abuse in IFB churches is but I believe that churches need to be considered on a church by church basis. After all, they are independent.

A review of the submission required under multigenerational faithfulness as Vision Forum’s carryover from Bill Gothard’s submission teachings with various examples of this demand for unquestioned obedience without credulity. First post specifically examining “First Time Obedience” in young children.

A review of the principle of sacerdotalism and parental convenience (as a control issue in dysfunctional families) as rationales for requiring “First Time Obedience” and “leaps of faith” required under multigenerational faithfulness.

Review of the tendency to make every banal daily activity one of great eternal spiritual significance as a consequence of works-based salvation. Includes a discussion of viewing personality traits that do not fit the belief system’s paradigm as sinful as well as the building up of all gender related activities as sacramental for the impartation of inward sanctification.

Blog host’s personal experience with inherent personality traits treated by parents as sin, the idolatry of seeking parental approval, and the consequences of requiring unquestioned submission with the use of guilt and shame that predisposes one to easy brainwashing and compliance with thought reform. Includes a section from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion addressing the powerful effects of devaluing individuals in religious settings.

Discussion of the development of how perfectionism, works-based salvation and First Time Obedience squelch problem-solving skill and prevent the development of critical thinking under the guise of multigenerational faithfulness.

A specific review of the theological problems in Voddie Baucham’s defense of First Time Obedience as well as the refutation of the practice from Scripture. Echos concerns noted in this previous blog post concerning Baucham’s “Family Driven Faith” book.

Carissa Robinson has a lovely blog post about how Thankfull she is that they are using gentle discipline, complete with an example of how it works. She also links to Sally Clarkson’s blog post about First Time Obedience. Sally Clarkson writes as the mother of adult children and reflects back on how her children were raised and how dangerous it is to try to use a formula for child raising, especially one which involves training.