Not be confused with the commonly known "hermit crab", the sand hermit is a strange creature that no one cares about, which explains why he lives alone. At times, he can become a little cranky. Just last week, some kids who were walking their dog came up to his house and started chucking rocks at his windows. From what I read in yesterday's newspaper, the kids are gonna be out of intensive care in a couple days, which fortunately leaves plenty of time for the parents to buy a new dog.

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You see, like anyone else in the world, the sand hermit likes his privacy. It just so happens that he likes it a bit more than normal. If you ever have a chance to drop by and say hello, then don't. The sand hermit has all sorts of defenses against the average welcoming civilian, such as guard dogs, nonstop sprinklers, and a maze in front of the bathroom.

A picture of the sand hermit and his friends in more innocent times. Even then, he liked to hide in the back

The sand hermit had parents like any other, and was raised in pretty normal household. Throughout his early childhood, he seemed happy and carefree, always turning in his homework, and gathering many friends. It wasn't until he was a junior in high school that something traumatic happened to him; to this very day no-one ever talks about it. When they absolutely have to, they refer to it simply as "The Salami Incident". Needless to say, the young sand hermit was never seen again until, ironically, someone noticed him.

No-one is quite sure where the sand hermit lives. It is a hot topic of debate among our top, elite scientists; one that requires diligence, wisdom, and the energy buzz one receives from sticking their tongue on a 9V alkaline battery.

The most common theory suggests that, however odd it may seem, the sand hermit actually resides somewhere near sand. There are many who scoff at this theory, claiming that the name "sand hermit" is actually a misnomer. One of the scientists based this belief on the fact that "...many other titles bestowed upon such creatures are so-called 'misnomers'. For instance, I named my pet hamster "Genie", when in fact, he is not one."

Like it or not, you probably know the sand hermit yourself. In fact, his name is (censored), and although he tends to be a bit anti-social, he's not all that dangerous. I've met him before over a cup of coffee, and he seemed like a nice guy, at least until he poured his coffee down the back of my shirt, and with a wild hoot, ran out the door. Probably had a dentist's appointment or something. Nothing out of the ordinary.