Here lies a passel of Redneck graffiti for your perusal and intellectual edification. It seems that certain redneck types have scrawled their opinions and diatribes on vacant building walls merely to express themselves for your cerebral enlightenment. Lucky you.

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I cannot imagine why Osama bin Laden would ever hate country music. I mean, Shania Twain…Carrie Underwood…Hello!? Need I say more? That is probably as good of a reason to join the Marines as any, but perhaps Joe Bob doesn’t know Osama is no longer with us. If so, he may be slightly annoyed once he learns the truth.

So it seems that Bubba is a patron of the “Midnight Golf Supply.” Guess a fella has to save nickels and dimes wherever he can. But isn’t that red stripe around your ball a mite embarrassing once you are back in the clubhouse?

I can understand Joe Bob loading up on fresh “toys” when he visits the dump. One man’s trash IS another man’s treasure, after all.

And Billy Ray’s sis and stepmom being one and the same person is no fault of Billy Ray. Since when can we control who Daddy marries? Daddy always did have a mind of his own.

Billy Bob meeting girls at family reunions just makes a whole lot of sense. Why not keep it all in the family?

Joe Bob’s sister really isn’t that trashy. Lots of girls wear a see thru blouse at their Momma’s funeral.

As for Bubba disappearing with his double wide to avert foreclosure, my understanding is that his bank hid a Lojack device on the trailer in the event of just such an occurrence. Sorry Bubba.

There was no chance of the fire in Billy Bob’s bathroom spreading to the house. Billy Bob deliberately placed his outhouse a ways off to avoid any odor issues wafting toward the house. That’s planning ahead Billy Bob.

And Jim Bob buying sushi at the bait shop just plain makes sense. A fella just has to save money when he can. Besides the bait shop has a recipe for pickled minnows that is just special.

Airplane or no airplane, Betty Lu has always been particular about her doo. Can’t see that changing any time soon.

Crack and plumber’s butt are just plain embarrassing. If you got it all hangin’ out on the backside, you ain’t no self respecting redneck. That is fer shur.

All weddings are not a celebration of flowers and good wishes. Every now and then, you will run across one like this.

At a large wedding reception of about 300 guests, the groom approached a microphone on the stage to address the crowd. He thanked everyone for coming to the ceremony, many from long distances, to support the bridal couple at their wedding. He said he especially wanted to thank the bride and groom’s families.

To reward the guests for their attendance, for their gifts and especially for their support, the groom wanted everyone to share a gift from him. He told the crowd that taped to the bottom of each chair was a manila envelope, and he asked them to open it.Inside the envelope was an 8×10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (It appears that the groom had gotten suspicious and hired a private detective to follow the pair.) After watching people’s reactions for a few moments, the groom turned to his best man and said, “Fxxk You.” He then turned to his “loving” bride, expressed similar sentiments, and promptly exited the reception hall.

Of course, most of us would have canceled the wedding after we had found out about the affair, but this groom had a different plan. His revenge was making the bride’s parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know about the premarital transgression, and trashing the bride and best man’s reputations in front of friends and family.

Naturally, an annulment was his final act.

Now, that is a groom with an imagination. I wonder if the bride’s father can sue for fraud?

These two must both be rednecks to get along so well. The slap happy one on the right appears to exhibit that classic anti-social personality that seems to say “Oh yeah. I am redneck woman and this is my roar.” This little woman is scary. Give this girl an opportunity, and she will slap you into the next century.

It appears that she has had lots of practice keeping her Bubba in line because her movements are so silky smooth. Of course, timing is everything when it comes to antics like this. Flap that flipper just a moment too soon, and this gag could backfire big time. Then it might easily be redneck woman in the drink rather than The Bubba himself.

Naturally, Bubba does not see a thing coming. Listen carefully and you can nearly hear him blindly shout, “stand aside woman! Here I come.” Or should we say, there he went? His demeanor announces his arrival. Oddly enough, I don’t hear anybody announcing his departure.

But that is just as well. After an entrance so dramatically embarrassing, one would think he would prefer to quietly slip away rather than to draw attention to himself deliberately.

The real question here is what is redneck woman’s motivation? You know that she is going to get it when she and Bubba get home. She must be deeply motivated to risk both life and limb by deliberately antagonizing The Bubba.

Perhaps it is a simple tale of another redneck woman in the picture because that appears to be life’s continuing story.

This is redneck woman; hear her roar. And roar she does; loud and clear.

If you thought that men were the only rednecks out there, you were dead redneck wrong. Behind most male rednecks, there often beats the heart of a less-than-gorgeous redneck woman. And Bubba, these women are no strangers to the redneck way of life.

These beauties come in every shape and size, and most of them put their man to shame when it comes to that redneck attitude. Like your typical weekend athlete, these women know how to make the worst out of any situation. Anything that can go wrong usually will.

You may feel just a little bit sorry for that tiny little boy on the slide that was squashed by the clumsy redneck woman who fell on top of him. But that little Joe Bob may just as well get used to it. If he manages to live long enough to become an actual redneck himself, his redneck woman will probably be squashing him both mentally and emotionally on a regular basis.

Now that is a prudent use of government funds, that is. Definitely a wise public service announcement. Just think what could occur if an elderly couple picked up the wrong hitchhiker along this stretch of highway. Not all recent parolees have made a vow to go straight, and the wrong parolee could easily ruin your day.

But one really has to be an optimist to pick up a hitchhiker in any event in this modern day. Hitchhikers would generally be considered to be folks who are a little short of funds. And it stands to reason that someone who is down and out may be more apt to bend the law if it suits his purpose simply because he has less to lose. At least that is one school of thought.

Two backwoods rednecks, who lived across the river from each other, feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence, while Clarence felt the same way about John.

This went on for years until the Corps of Engineers built a bridge across the river. John was elated; he told his wife that he was finally going to get the opportunity to cross that river and beat Clarence senseless.

John left home, intent on his mission; however, he returned in just a few minutes.

His wife asked, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t you cross that new bridge and whip Clarence?”

John replied, “Well, I’ve never really seen Clarence up close, and I didn’t realize how big he was until I reached the bridge and saw a sign that said: ‘CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN’”

Well, that could be very confusing. “Mom, make her stop looking at me” would become “Mom, stop looking at me?”

Imagine Billy Ray bringing home his first girlfriend and introducing her to the ‘family:’ “Mary, I want you to meet my sister, my mom and dad’s wife. No, that’s not three people, that’s just sis here.”

And it gives a whole new meaning to the concept of “I want a girl, just like the girl that married dear old dad.”

Okay, all of you folks who do not believe in evolution have to explain something that I do not understand. If humankind began with Adam and Eve, doesn’t that mean that their kids had to intermarry. How else could the population expand? And, if that’s true, then doesn’t that condone incest?

The nuns never would explain that to me when I was a kid. They kept changing the subject, and I still don’t get it to this day.

Two Australian Aborigine guides were walking in the outback with a vacationing American redneck, when, suddenly, one of the Aborigines ran up a hill toward the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” the Aborigine yelled into the cave. Then he carefully listened, hoping for a special answer.

“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he heard from the cave.

Tearing off his clothes, he ran into the cave. The redneck, looking puzzled, asked the other Aborigine what that was all about. Had the other Aborigine gone crazy?

“Oh no,” replied the Aborigine. “It is a mating ritual custom. When Aborigine men see a cave, they holler, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer from inside the cave, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

Just then they saw another cave. The second Aborigine ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer of “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from far inside the cave.

Aborigine number 2 tore off his clothes and darted into the cave.

After that, the redneck wandered around the outback alone until he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Whoa, doggies! Look at the size of this cave! It is much bigger than the ones the Aborigines found. There must be a very fine woman waiting in this cave!”

As he stood in front of the opening, he hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

Eyes closed and grinning in anticipation, he soon heard the resounding answer he had hoped for, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!”

With a glint in his eyes and a huge smile on his face, he sped into the cave, ripping off his clothes while he ran.

The next day, the headline of the local newspaper read, “Naked Redneck Run Over By Freight Train.”

City Slicker, Jim Bob stopped in to see his cousin, Billy Ray, whom he hadn’t seen for a couple of years. As he drove in to the farmyard, Jim Bob couldn’t help but notice a three legged pig running around in the farmyard.

After a little small talk, Jim Bob finally had to ask Billy Ray about the three legged pig.

“Wal, dat dere is the best dern pig I ever had,” said Billy Ray. “He helps round up all of the cows without any help, and he comes and fetches me right away if any of the horses get out of the corral.”

Jim Bob was impressed.

“Not only that,” said Billy Ray. “He came and woke me up one night when the barn started on fire. That pig, wakin’ me like that, saved me losin’ a bunch of my stock and saved me a whole lot ‘o money. Wal, I coulda lost the whole barn.”

Again, Jim Bob was impressed.

“But, the best thing he ever did was save the life of my two-year-old son, Linus. Linus wandered out onto the highway over yonder just when a big semi was steamin’ down the road. That pig ran out into the highway and dragged young Linus back to the side of the road kickin’ ‘n screamin’. That semi would have hit and killed Linus, as sure as I’m standin’ here.”

“Well, Billy Ray, that’s just remarkable, that a pig could do that,” said Jim Bob. “But, why does it have only three legs?”

“Wal,” said Billy Ray. “When ya’ have a terrific pig like that, ya’ don’t want to eat it all at once.”