So I’ve got this problem and it’s really REALLY starting to bug me. Butt cracks. You heard me, butt cracks. I bet I see more crack on a daily basis than Dan the Drug Dealer. Why? I blame the fashion industry. For a few of years now we’ve been subjected to wearing those low slung jeans that let it all hang out –literally. And, yes, I said ‘we.’ Not only do I have to see a bunch of cute girls’ cracks when I sit on the bleachers at a basketball game, I have to bear the humiliation of knowing my own – much fatter – butt is also on display. Okay, okay – I know they make shirts longer these days. Most of the time things stay under wraps. But still, who among us can’t admit to an accidental showing of butt cleavage? I dare say no one!

So why DO we willing become slaves of fashion? I’m not the first to ask. The topic has been argued for years. But as the debate goes on, so does our apparent willingness to take whatever Vogue prescribes. Sigh.

So at this point you may be wondering, what did your mom wear ‘in the day’ that she’d rather not admit to now? She might not tell you, but I will. Cue the wavy lines on the screen as I flashback to my younger days….

Ahhh…those pants. Those wonderful, wonderful pants. They were light blue, with silhouettes of pink, purple and navy ponies all over them. Dare I say, they were groovy. I was only eight or so, but my love affair with fashion began when I got those pants. I realized how my clothing could express my identity, how what I wore announced to the world who I was. Now why I felt a pair of pony pants accomplished that is something I’ll reserve for a therapist, but I will tell you that when I wore them I felt fabulous. I was fabulous.

But that was me, and I promised you some dirt on your mom. Are you ready? Here it is: knickers. Your heard me. No, I don’t mean the British term for undies. I mean those ridiculous cut-at-the-knee poofy pants that Thomas Jefferson wore while writing the Declaration of Independence. Well in the early 80s they made a minor comeback. Did I think they looked weird? Yes. Did I buy a pair? Of course! Who was I to question the fashion industry? Now here’s the really interesting part:when I searched for a stock photo of someone wearing a pair, I couldn’t find one. Not one! Smelling a conspiracy, I hunkered down and finally found some carefully hidden evidence to back my claim. Exhibit A: a Vintage 1980s McCalls Knickers Sewing Pattern. And they thought they could shield you from past horrors. Hah!

Luckily, the fad didn’t last long and, let’s face it, your mom may be a decade older or younger than me, so she may not have worn them. But there were other, equally goofy trends to which she certainly fell victim. Like the time we all wore our over-sized sweatshirts inside out, or delved into neon. (I nearly burned out my eyeballs with that one.) We also had the Preppy phase with everyone running around in polo shirts, wide wale corduroys and sweaters tied around their necks like Superman capes. Ugh. Plus there was the "Flashdance" craze (leggings and leotards and legwarmers - oh my!) and the whole Madonna thing, too. (Anyone need a pair of lace gloves cut off at the fingers? I thought not. )

Trust me, there’s plenty for us moms to be embarrassed about, and I haven’t even talked about hair yet. So if your mom ever gives you a goofy look when you debut the latest trend, just say, “Hey, mom? How many pairs of legwarmers did you own?” I guarantee she’ll pass judgment no more. That is, unless your butt crack is showing.

Weird Author

My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

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