You still linger there
On the cusp of thoughts
I’d longed to forget—
The way your smile
Enchanted me
Lips curled up—
You sucked on your lower lip
Whenever I entered the room
Your eyes left me naked
And vulnerable—
I still shiver
Not from embarrassment
But from the mere desire
I felt then
And now

I still wonder
Where you went for nine months
Why you left me
When I was so exposed
And alone—
Why did you chose midnight
Of the New Year
To return to me—
I couldn’t bear the pain
Of losing you all over again
So I ripped you from my heart
My life
But not my memory

We will always have College Street
And those six months of bliss
Even as my heart hardens
And these tears stain my face—
Will I ever find love again?

As many of my friends know, and now some of you here will know, I am Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and the host of too many phobias. I wrote this poem back in March of 2014. It describes what I go through taking medication for my mental illnesses and still strive to write. I hope you enjoy.

The Persistence of Musing

Oh these bitter pills!
I am divorced
divorced from all my demons
but my muse too!
And then the silence
the unbearable din of silence
so loud, so loud
my ears ring from its Delphian melody
I grow accustomed to the dead air
a synthetic lull —
days become weeks and then months
the delicate balancing of my brain
a tight-rope act — ever so careful
and I wait

Slowly my mind acclimates
and the silence becomes stillness
the din, white noise — Hushed sighs
I hear you breathing
these bitter pills have not murdered you
but I strain against the fog
for each murmur you utter
Oh Catharine!
And there you are, my fallen angel
my dark child
Your words soak into my bones
softly, quickly — you have much to say
for beating against your wings, frenzied
the demonic bats await

And the cycle begins anew
I swallow more pills
brace for the cacophony of silence
the numbness of calm
the peace, I am assured will come
and I mourn the loss of your sighs
your tranquil whispers —
but I know you will keep trying
and I will reach for your voice
over and over and over again
’til death overshadows me