Growing up…

Sudden and uncertain, that’s how most dramatic events in life unfold; whether good or bad. There’s hardly ever a time to rehearse things out, to try and plan your reactions, or even to brace yourself. That’s how today unfolded as well. Another of those seemingly routine days; appointments following the clock and the clock following the appointments. And then came the jolt, as is supposed to happen on such days.

Despite my dislike, despite the discomfort and despite not having figured out how to behave, Life kind of manages to throw up deaths at me every once in a while. It is almost as if she keeps a watch. When I gradually become comfortable with the routine and keep focusing on helping people the best I can, through therapy, Life chooses to remind me that there will always be events beyond anyone’s control and wishes.

But today was not so much about the death. It wasn’t even about the uncertainty. I am probably getting better at seeing it as an inevitable aspect of life. Today essentially was about growing up, and as I said earlier, in about half a day.

I never found the time to stop and check with myself about how and when I learnt to say the right things, do the right things, and console the right people. There were several instances when I nearly gave in to my urges of wanting to run down and seek solace in my mother’s arms or maybe my father’s arms. Each of those times when I almost got up, something pulled me down again (and no, that was not gravity). It was the need to stick around for someone else that got the better of those urges, every single time. When I got a stranger’s car out of their parking lot to run errands, I knew I had turned into someone other people chose to rely on. When I downed one cup of coffee, washed the tear stains off and headed to the clinic to meet with the pre-fixed appointments, I learnt that I could get to work at the cost of my discomfort. When I dragged my father out from the middle of a crowd of upset people; sat him down at a nearby restaurant and ensured his diabetes doesn’t go haywire, I realized I had moved onto being practical and rational.

Being relied upon, being looked upon by people older to you, being considered as someone who can shoulder the pain, trauma and tears, being seen a shield for someone younger to you, and to cease being the person people feel the need to worry about – they all tell you that you grew up somewhere along the way.

Growing up is more in the mind. Somethings probably won’t remain the same in my mind anymore. Certain events act as an announcement, for yourself and those around you. I went through one such event today. It told me I have grown up. And it told the others around as well that I have grown up.

With a tinge of sadness, and mostly a lot of calm acceptance, I am now aware that it is all going to be alright no matter what. No matter who chooses to stay, no matter who chooses to go; no matter who makes their way into my life, no matter who I never get to meet with; no matter how big the repertoire of my experiences will be, no matter how confined my life remains in the vastness of Life; no matter whether I appreciate it or not, what is going to happen is going to happen. I am going to continue living, and I am going to continue to function, as long as I choose to. The day I decide to throw my hands up in the air and give up, no matter who will be around and no matter what help I’ll find, it just won’t be enough. We are all quite literally on our own in this path of Life. Its about finding good company on the way, and savouring it while it lasts.