Dating profiles are little windows into a person’s psyche. They say so much while saying so little at the same time. I’ve tried nearly every service from eHarmony, match.com, OkCupid, chemistry to even Jdate. I’m not Jewish but I live in New York City so I thought – why not? So far nothing has worked. I’m like a curious bystander staring at a crime scene or car accident, no matter how pathetic my online dating experiences have been, I just can’t tear myself away from the sites. Pursuing profiles is like a huge sociology experiment. If I have any advice on here to ANY MAN it would be this.

PLEASE HAVE A TRUSTED FEMALE FRIEND, WHO IS NOT YOUR MOTHER, LOOK OVER YOUR PROFILE BEFORE YOU PUBLISH IT.

I would repeat that three times for emphasis but I like to keep my word count under 1000 on this blog.

One of the things I learned quickly in regards to emails on OKCupid – A guy’s name says so much. I get email all day on those sites. If a guy has a crazy name, I know it isn’t even worth opening anything until the next day. Sometimes a name can actually ruin everything, in one case a man emailed me with a name that was a creative spelling of spermbank, yet when I looked at his profile he seemed perfectly normal. I just couldn’t imagine though, going out on a date with a man who thought SPERMBANK was an appropriate name for a dating profile. I write this with the intention of helping guys who are well intentioned but have no clue about how a name like, HappyHuggerGuy might come across to a woman. The more extreme names like Slave4URFeet or BigSugarDaddyLvr will always be there, and easy to disregard. But if you are a guy and you aren’t sure why your profile isn’t getting more email, or if your a woman and want to see some of the most tragic names I could find…this article is for you! Most names fall into the following categories.

The following are subcategories that depending on the woman could work. After all, we are all quite different and if a woman specifically seeks a squirrel loving guy who is into BDSM and has a foot fetish – A name like SquirrelDomFootLuv – might be just the thing. If you are into kinky and this is what you are looking for, by all means don’t hide it. It’s always better to NOT surprise a potential partner

Spiritual – Again these would repulse me, but if you are a mystical sort seeking a similar type of gal, they could be perfect

Soul, Soulmate

Peaceful, Peace

Spirit, Spirit Guide, Searcher

Hippie

Mystical

Seeker, Visionary, Visions,

Dreamer, Dream,

SunGod, Goddess Seeker,

Healer

Evolved

Alternative Lifestyle Names – Again for the right girl, these could be just the thing

Vegan – probably the #1 I see in theis category. I get it, as they are probably seeking another vegan.

Veggie, Veg

Yoga

Meditate

I might be Dangerous!

Rebel

Rogue

NoRules

Fire

Danger

Animal

Pirate

Spicy

HarleyMan888

Untamed

Maverick

Proud to be me

Geek, Geeky

Nerdy

Treker

Trekie

Robot

Gamer

The Classics – These are total cliches. They aren’t terrible, just massively overused.

Guy4U, Guy4Ya, YourGuy

Mr.RightNow

PrinceCharming, Knight, Prince

GreatCatch

StopLooking, SearchEndsHere

I’mTheOne, TheOne

Popeye – I have no idea why this one is popular but I see it a lot

NormalGuy, GuyNextDoor, FavoriteGuy, Regular, Average

Smiler, Smiles, Smile

Boy, Boyz,

Johnny or Joe – both extremely popular

Happy, Nice, Fun

MacGyver – A LOT of guys make variations on that joke

Honorable Mentions

AllUNeedIsMe

AverageJoe4U

FoundIt

DoneSearching

Animals – Used a lot, not sure why.

Ram

Tiger

Phoenix

Dog or Dawg

Monkey – extremely common – I have no idea why names like MonkeySmiler would help a guy out, but to each his own.

Inexplicable names – I have no idea what they were thinking…honestly I don’t. These are all real names, I’m not kidding.

TurtleLover

SquirrelBoy

Beeswax

FrankenChicken

BreadPudding

BloodDonor

PumpkinHeart

Mudrunner – Could mean you’re into off-roading, but a woman probably won’t get the reference – this one is iffy.

Plopgasm

PappyAss – Personal favorite, as what the hell does it mean? And how would it attract women?

MarriednDating

Boring Names – Include things like

Occupation

Hobby

Location – NY, SF, ATL

Age – 1973, 1984, 1968

I usually get attracted to a photo, and then I read the profile. Those are the two things that grab me, a boring name will NOT turn me off. My own name on the site is fairly boring. However a super cheesy, overly sexual, creepy, cuddly name could hurt you. So when in doubt just call your self NYCGuySohoDentist – You’ll probably get more email!

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I am writing this because I just keep seeing the same thing over and over and it is making me crazy. I know most dating websites have general tips and tricks on picking the best profile photos. I am not sure who is reading the advice given because I just checked my Match.com profile and in one day saw so many great examples of what NOT to do…I felt compelled…the blog must come out.

The absolute first thing you should do before publishing your profile or emailing anyone is: Have a trusted female friend look over your photos, your essay and everything else. I cannot stress this enough. Your mother doesn’t count. You need a woman close to your age who knows you, and has your best interest at heart. An ex-girlfriend is perfect, as long as you are on good terms.

Here are a few bad photo trends that I see repeatedly:

#1 – Bathroom Mirror Self-portrait – If you are really going to the full cliché then take every photo of yourself without a shirt. Just make sure we can see the cell phone in the photo, and make it clear that you are in your bathroom. Some men have nothing but shot after shot of themselves flexing in the mirror. If you want to look like a Jersey Shore type of douche bag – this is the perfect way to make that happen.

#2 – A photos of yourself with an ex-girlfriend with the woman’s face blacked out – When there is a big black box over the face of a former lover it speaks volumes. It says a lot about what you think of that person, and what it is saying is not very nice. The same goes for the artful crop, that is we can tell that you have carefully cropped out a former girlfriend. It’s fine on one photo but not so cool if all of your photos are like this.

3. Every photo is a group photo. – You would think this one would be obvious. It says something about you if every single photo is a group photo…and what it is saying is that yes, you have friends..BUT you are hiding something…not good.

4. All of your photos are taken from a far distance. – I don’t get the landscape photos, or photos from vacation that include no humans whatsoever. A photo of a nice sunset is lovely, but it says very little about what you look like. When I see this, I just assume the man is married, or hideous. It seems shady. Don’t do it.

5. Really old photos – Some guys take this to the extreme, I have seen photos from the 1970’s complete with the yellowed sepia film and obvious hair and wardrobe choices that are clearly not from this decade. It’s great if you had a wonderful bushy stash in the year in which I was born….but I would like to see what you look like now.

6. Nudity – The only exception to this rule is if you are looking for hook-ups or casual sex and you are making that very clear on the rest of your profile. Then by all means…show the goods. But there are sites for that sort of thing. Generally speaking on most dating sites, nudity will get you kicked off and your photos will be taken down. It is also probably not going to work as well as you think it is. Women like a nice looking male body, but you run the risk of repulsing a lot of women. It’s kind of like going up to a stranger and flashing them. If you are at a swingers club, this behavior could be extremely welcome. But if you are just standing on the street – women are libel to just run away from you. Most women just aren’t wired in quite the same way as the average male. Also your body might not be as smoking hot as you think it is. When in doubt – show a female friend and she what she thinks.

7. Scuba Gear – I have seen so many profiles in which the majority of photos are a man in scuba gear. Not one photo, but every photo. To me that says the man is either married, not confident in what he looks like, or embarrassed by being on an online dating site. Well get over it and show your face! Scuba gear gets its own category because it is nearly an epidemic online. I have no explanation for it, but it drives me crazy!

8. Sports – Sure some women love sports maybe even more than you do, but if every single photo of yourself on your profile is one of you playing a sport, it might be a turn-off for some. It’s not the worst thing you can do and it does say to any potential date…”I love sports!” But you might want to throw in a straight shot of yourself just hanging out, instead of having every single shot in tiny running shorts covered in sweat.

9. Ironic boa, dress, women’s clothing – WHY? WHY? WHY do I keep finding these? It’s just confusing unless cross dressing is your thing. In one man’s profile, half of his photos were in full drag, while the other half were in mens clothing. He was open about being a cross dresser and I had to give him kudos for that. Sure, he will turn off most women, but for the women who are actually seeking a cross-dresser the profile will be a magnet for them. I all for honesty! If you are cross dressing as an ironic joke, women who don’t know you may not get your sense of humor.

10. All Body shots, none of the face – This one just makes me think – married man. I’ve actually found numerous profiles like this where the man explains he is married and cheating on his wife. One even said he was specifically not in an open marriage, nor was he polyamorous – he was just looking to cheat. If you aren’t married, then why not show your face? Nearly everyone tries online dating at some point. There is no shame in looking for love online, and I have actually encountered a few men online with fairly high profile jobs. Don’t hide. If you want to look suspicious having no face shots is an easy way to do it.

11. Pay attention to your backdrop and details – I’ve seen many photos with men still wearing their wedding rings. They could be old photos, but they are definitely sending a mixed message. The married man who boasted about cheating on his wife had a baby fence behind him in one of his shots. Sure it could have been for a dog, but it looked absolutely dreadful.

12. Only one shot – You can’t be bothered. And it increases the likelihood that you won’t look like this one photo. I have found a good rule of thumb is 5-6 but it never bothers me when a man has 20, as long as 10 of them aren’t landscape shots.

I know men read this blog, because I can tell when they search for it. Hopefully some of them might re-think their online profile photos after they read this, but maybe not. I want everyone to find the love of their life out there, so put your best face forward…and please show your freaking face!

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts. I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc. I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description. I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles. I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example. So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

A happily married friend suggested that I should write this list because as he put it.

Some men just have no clue

And because I get a lot of men on this blog searching for all sorts of knowledge about dating, I thought I would give it a shot. So based on my experience and an extremely unscientific poll of feedback from my female friends, ranging in age from early 20’s to late 50’s I came up with this list. Many of these are obvious and universal as they apply to both genders. And mind you I am far from the “perfect” dater. I make every mistake known to man…and then some. But in the interest of the public good….here we go.

These tips apply to when you are actually on a date with a woman…not before. Online dating tips are another thing entirely.

Tip #1 – Don’t forget to compliment the woman on her appearance. You don’t have to say much but you had better believe that whomever agreed to go out with you or meet you for a drink has spent a great deal of time on their wardrobe, hair and makeup. Even the less is more type of gal is going to want to impress, so a simple, “You look nice” or “You look lovely” will do. It is always a huge mistake to say nothing, especially on date number one or two when you barely know the woman. When a man says nothing to me, I assume he is not that interested.

Tip #2 – Don’t look cheap – You don’t have to spend a lot of cash, it can be as little as a drink. Under no circumstances go dutch. It is just rude, especially on the first date and especially if you were the one asking her out. You don’t need to buy an elaborate meal, and you don’t need to spend a small fortune. But at least OFFER, she may decline but it is a nice gesture. Even if you think that in 2012 you shouldn’t have to do this, it is simple common courtesy to offer something even just a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

Tip #3 – Don’t bitch about ex-girlfriends or ex-wives – I am extremely guilty of this one – just don’t do it! It is best to keep things light. You might mention the divorce or breakup, but then do not bash your ex or go on and on about her. It just makes a woman feel completely ignored, and as if she is some type of free therapist…BAD FORM. When men have done this to me, I might feel sorry for them, but I don’t take them seriously as a potential partner.

Tip #4 – Don’t complain about money, that you have no money, or that you are broke…even if you are broke. Again, you need not be a Rockafeller to impress your date. I know of countless lower income men who do quite well with the ladies. When you bitch about your finances you might make the woman uncomfortable, or feel obligated to somehow take care of you. It is a lot of pressure and totally inappropriate. You can bring this up later, but when you first meet someone, it’s generally a bad idea.

Tip #5 – Don’t start talking about sex too soon – Now this one is true in most cases unless you met this woman on a hook-up site or for the express purposes of just having sex with her. In most cases you will just freak out your date and she will want nothing to do with you. If she brings the topic up first, then its different. Never assume however, that sex talk will lead to sex.

Tip #6 – Don’t text or talk on the phone in front of your date – If it is a work related or family matter, get to quickly and get back to the date right away. It’s best to physically walk to the bathroom, or to another area when you do it, then apologize profusely and get back to you date. Don’t make a habit of it, and don’t constantly check your email or text messages in front of your date.

Tip #7 – Don’t go on a bitch fest – So many times I have sat down at a table with a perfect stranger and they just go off on some rant about their landlord, their job, their neighbors or any number of things. It makes a horrible first impression and it is best avoided.

Tip #8 – Don’t go down a laundry list of questions – Sure everyone loves to talk about themselves but you can make a person feel interrogated when you simply throw one question right after another. A date is not a job interview relax, talk about something light like the weather. Also wait for her answer. I can’t tell you how many dates I have gone on where a man asks me a question, only to cut me off before I answered it.

Tip #9 – Avoid lightening rod topics – Again obvious, but you would be surprised what I have heard from friends: abortion, politics, rape, religion, avoid anything that might alienate you from your new potential partner. It is one thing if you already have a good idea of the person’s religious or political beliefs from an online dating profile or if you know you have similar beliefs. But this is not time to preach or convert, if you never want to see the woman again, then this is a sure-fire way to make that happen. And don’t ask your date if she wants children on a first date – you are putting her on the spot and it is WAY too early to worry about that yet.

Tip #10 – Don’t ask about her former boyfriends or how many sexual partners she has had – This one is just plain rude. A general rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering something don’t ask another person. And although men might like to brag about how high their number of partners might be, women are usually the opposite. There are always exceptions to this rule however as some of my female friends make no bones about having a plethora of partners.

Tip #11 – Don’t take her somewhere where you can’t talk – Movies are terrible as you won’t engage in much conversation, as are many music venues. Keep it simple, but make sure you get to talk if this person is a relative stranger to you. You might find that she will like you MORE if you actually talk. Rather than taking her someplace impressive where you will barely share a few sentences between each other. Again if you are just intending on having a sexual relationship with her and not much more, than go ahead and take her to a loud club. You might confuse or annoy a woman who is looking for a hook-up if you ask her to go on a traditional date. She might just want to have sex with you and skip the formalities – but make sure you are both want the same thing, before assuming anything.

Tip #12– Don’t bring up another woman you want to go out with – Think I am kidding on this one? It just happened. A somewhat nervous man trying to forward the conversation openly admitted to correspondence with another woman (one I happened to know) on an online dating website. She happened to be a comedian. He said he hadn’t gone out with her yet, but was hoping to eventually meet her because he found her fascinating. I couldn’t make this one up….NEXT! I have made the mistake of talking about past men, but never a man I wanted to go out with in the future – that is madness. It’s also tacky to tell a petite woman how much you have a crush on a celebrity that is tall and curvy, the same goes with going on and on about how hot a tall and slender blonde celebrity is when you are on a date with a shorter curvy gal. Like it or not she is going to make the assumption that whomever you are describing is what you prefer. DON’T COMPARE YOUR DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. After you have been dating a while this kind of talk is fine. But when you are just getting to know someone just don’t go there, unless of course you are describing some celebrity your date happens to resemble then it’s not so bad. I’m a taller than average athletic blonde, when some guy goes on and on about a curvy brunette who is 5’2″, my heart sinks.

Tip #13 – Don’t force her into a socially awkward situation – Don’t also try to meet up with friends, and then force your date to hang out with them. Your date is essentially a total stranger to you, shoving her into a social situation with a new person, or a bunch of new people is just going to make her more anxious. When you make the date, and force your date into meeting more new people because it is convenient for you, you are essentially telling your date that she is not that important. It is a bad call, rude and it shows you have no game. A first date is not the time for multitasking, if you blow it, you probably won’t get a second chance. If you would rather see your out-of-town friends, then don’t plan the date on the same night, or end the date and then go hang out with your old friends.

Tip #14 – Don’t openly criticize your date – Look these situations are strange for everyone, for you and your date. It might take a minute for you both to calm down and really start talking. If you make a judgment on your date, she will most likely shut down immediately and just want to leave. And no one wants criticism like this, especially from a virtual stranger and when they are vulnerable on a date. If your date is being overtly rude to you, it might be time to just end the date and go home. But if you WANT to see this woman again, don’t pick her apart. This might seem like common sense, but it happens more than people think. I have heard way too many stories and had my own experiences with this one. Personal pet peeve – Hey I thought you were a comedian, why aren’t you funnier? – Well maybe because I am not ALWAYS working. If I here that particular question one more time…

Tip #15 – Never assume you are going to have sex – This should be obvious but I thought I should write it anyway. A woman is under no obligation to have sex with you, make out with you or even kiss you – even if you have paid for dinner and drinks. You might think the date is going extremely well, while your date might never want to see you again. Some women will go along on date out of a sense of politeness, some will send mixed signals, and some will be downright confusing – it’s all part of the game. I’ve heard stories of women grinding into men on the dance floor, making out in bars, or kissing for hours in cars who will ultimately say no to sex. You only get to have sex with a woman if she agrees to it. This is true regardless of the amount of time you spend with her, the amount of effort you put into the date, or even if you spend a fortune on the date. No always means no. If you just want to hook-up with a woman, you should make your intentions clear early on. She may not want to go out with you on a traditional date anyway. Some women are perfectly fine with just sex, but communication is key. Never assume anything without consent!

This post is more for the men out there than the women. But if you have spent a lot of time on dating websites you will totally relate to these suggestions. So thanks to the handy features on WordPress, I can tell what people search for when they stumble upon this blog. One of the saddest things that comes up a few times a week is something along the following.

“Men on dating websites, Why do my emails get ignored?”

or

“Why do women ignore me on online dating sites”

Well if it makes you feel better, everyone I know gets ignored on dating websites. From extremely attractive young women to grandfathers looking for age appropriate sweethearts. EVERYONE GETS IGNORED!

I tend to ignore most obvious inappropriate matches that end up in my inbox because I have found that when I respond, even in an extremely polite manner….the responses I get back are snide, angry or filled with venom. And I get it, as no one likes rejection even if it is over something like having an allergy to cats. So don’t sweat it, here are some common reasons why you may not hear from a lovely lady after you have sent her an email. And think about it, would you really want the reason spelled out? How would it help you? The blow-off is just part of the game, don’t take it personally.

Reason #1 – You live too far away (And in NYC it might mean no more than 10-20 miles)

Typical responses – What do you mean I live to far away? Come on I could drive to your place in 20 minutes, why are you so uptight. Think outside of the box, Long Island to Brooklyn is really no big deal….and it can go on and on from there with increasing venom. Look not everyone in NYC drives a car or has access to a car and they may not want to rely on a significant other to get back and forth from their place. They might also never want to relocate, so you are better off looking locally for your dream woman. About half of my mail comes from men in other countries and other states, I don’t get it as most men and women aren’t looking for a long-distance relationship with a total stranger.

Reason #2 – You are too old/young

Typical responses – What are you some type of ageist? Lighten up! You shouldn’t discriminate on age, I am a great guy and everyone who knows me knows that. (typical from an older guy) or I like older women! I don’t care if you are 13 years older than me, we can make something happen! You are so hot baby why do have a thing against younger guys? And this goes on and on and on….Most women just want to date someone relatively close to their age, as most people do. It is really not that unreasonable an expectation.

Reason #3 – They are just not attracted to you

I don’t have the heart to tell someone this. Even though I could in most cases, and I am sure a lot of men look at my profile and think the same thing. It is just part of dating, some guys don’t like blondes or they don’t like women who are taller than them or they like curvier women. Personally I never want to know when this is the case, because physical attraction is never the same for two people. I love to wear makeup, heels, skirts, dresses and sometimes curl and spray my hair. Some men prefer an all natural woman, so they are not the men for me. If a woman is just not flat-out attracted to your photos, you really don’t want a response. Trust me you don’t.

Reason #4 – Lifestyle

A woman reads your profile and thinks to herself, we have nothing in common and seem to have completely different lifestyles I can’t imagine this will work out. If you work 9-5 and the woman you sent an email to works at night just arranging a first date could be hard enough much less trying to see them often.

Reason #5 – General compatibility

This could be anything from pets, religion, having children, never wanting children, political beliefs…anything could scream deal breaker to a potential partner, and they may not know how to tell you. We are all puzzle pieces just trying to see what fits, don’t take any of this personally. Would you really want to get a list from a woman of all the reasons she doesn’t think you will be a compatible partner? I wouldn’t want to get that in my inbox. Don’t worry about it and move on.

Reason #6 – Your profile is overly negative or nearly blank

Putting a list of what you don’t want or don’t like in a profile might seem productive, but it usually just turns women off. I think the same goes for everyone. Ranting and raving about how much dating sucks, or how horrible dating websites are is better to put on a blog than a dating profile…much like THIS blog! HA! Just keep your profile simple and positive. When in doubt have a friend look over what you have written, a female friend is best, before you publish it. Also some guys have extremely sarcastic profiles and they might work for some, but I know many women who are immediately turned off by them. But this is no hard rule as I am sure some women love a goofy or sarcastic profile. And if you haven’t filled out your profile don’t expect a ton of email responses, if you are getting a lot then it is just based on what you look like and you might just waste a bunch of time on dates only to then discover your date isn’t kosher with half of the things that make you, the wonderful and unique person that you are, such as political beliefs, pets, children, work schedules, hobbies….etc.

Reason #7 – Your profile photo is too overtly sexual or revealing

This one freaks out a lot of women, I don’t know what to tell you guys but men and women are generally wired very differently. A man might find a photo of a gal in a bikini absolutely what they are looking for in a profile. Yet when a woman looks at a man’s profile and find nearly every photo of a half-naked guy it is sometimes a huge turn-off. I have no idea how this is for men seeking men, or women seeking women, but generally speaking if you are a straight man looking for a straight woman you are better off with more clothing on than less. Of course there are always exceptions, some women want to see as much as possible before they meet you. And if you are just looking for casual sex the half-naked or nearly naked photo could be EXACTLY what you need to find appropriate partners.

Reason #8 – You only have one photo or no photo

This particular one drives me crazy because most of the time, the one photo is partially obscured or taken form a weird angle. It just makes me think that the guy is married or hiding something. I never trust a profile that only gives me a sliver of a man’s face. And any profile with no photo is extremely suspect…it is basically how to look married on an online dating website! HA!

Reason #9 – The woman you emailed isn’t that active on the site

I don’t really know why I do this but I just get burnt out by the whole thing and stop bothering to check emails, winks and quiver matches etc. So you might feel dissed, but that woman might be ignoring her entire profile for months and it has nothing to do with you. Or she might have just entered into a new relationship and isn’t sure where it is going so her profile is still up, but not really active. There is a huge gray area when it comes to dating. Again, don’t sweat it.

Reason #10 – The profile you emailed might be phony

I do know of people who put profiles out there as jokes, just to see what they would get. I am also pretty sure that some dating sites use phony profiles as I have written before about eHarmony sending me “icebreakers” from users when my profile had been shutdown for over a year. So either the profile contacting me was fake, or they were using my profile without my consent and either tactic is sleazy as hell.

So overall don’t worry about it. The woman is probably ignoring you to spare your feelings. No one wants a list of things that are wrong with them when all they sent was a simple “I would love to have a drink” or “Your pretty I would love to hear from you”. Just let it go, they are not trying to hurt you. It is hard for everyone and just hang in there. 🙂

So the title says it all. I had a horrible situation with eHarmony and I blogged about it. Then about a year later they sent my email an “icebreaker” from some user called “Craig”. I found that a bit crazy. I had no account with them, so why was I getting an “ice breaker.”

This is exactly what they sent me, a member who hasn’t been active for a year.

Your profile just made Craig smile.

Breaking the ice is a fun way to start a conversation. Log in to check out Craig and decide if you want to make the next move.

“ I am most passionate about helping others … i like to see others succeed … where I have failed. ”

– Craig, 42 from , Lindenhurst, New York

So what is going on here? Poor Craig from Lindenhurst thinks I am on the site. When I tried to unsubscribe, the link sent me to a page to re-activate my account. Now that I have continued to blog about this, some unknown user harassed me on this blog. Right after I basically shut that mess down, I had eHarmonyJack try to follow me on twitter. I blocked him immediately.

eHarmony is either still using my account without my consent, or this “Craig” person doesn’t exist. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks I am still on the site. It is really unethical for eHarmony to use defunct profiles as some type of bait for active members.

I think it is really sad that so many companies take advantage of people looking for love. And why harass me or any other blogger? The good folks at eHarmony should expect some dissatisfied customers. Anyone who has had a bad experience should have every right to share it with the rest of the world. Match.com, OKCupid and Jdate never sent me emails like this.

I have heard that eHarmony likes to tell people they are undesirable. Well consider this your forum. If eHarmony deemed you unacceptable, or if you had a bad experience on the site, please share your stories here!

I should really call this more adventures in NOTonline dating because I am online, but I am not really going on any dates. Why? Well most of the guys that email me have what I would call not so desirable profiles, live way to far away or are way out of my age range . Then the men that I send quick “Hey I would love to go for coffee” emails don’t email me back. Most men and women go through the “email blow off”, I have learned to let it roll right off of me, as it is just part of the game. But I just had a few men email me in a row that had such crazy profiles I felt the need to share them with my regular readers.

The Liar – A man or woman who is clearly making stuff up out of whole cloth and sticking on their profile, although sometimes reading these profiles are highly amusing.

To be more accurate there are two kinds of liars on-line. The ones who lie by omission in that they tell you nothing (probably married) or the who create fantasy profiles. I am going to focus on one of the craziest profiles I found the other day. This guy was so out-there that I was actually laughing out loud when I read it.

I will change some specifics to protect the man’s identity but he was average looking and claimed to be 30 years old and 5’9″ in height. He also had photos that looked like professional acting headshots. The problem was that the headshots appeared about 15-20 years old. His hair, clothing and the style the photos screamed early 1990’s. He also had one heavily photo-shopped image of himself dressed as a pilot with no explanation given other than “I am a patriot”. But here I will just breakdown his other ridiculous claims on his profile

Worked as a professional actor for 16 years having done multiple shows and films – OK, so he was some type of child actor since he would have had to start acting at age 14 if that were true or even younger if you believe what he later claims is his current profession.

Worked as a professional model having done several major magazines – Again as a person who knows a thing or two about the modeling industry that is complete horse shit. He “might” be able to model at 5’9″ if he had an absolutely perfect ripped muscular body, and then he would do underwear or possibly commercial print. But here is the thing the minimum height for a male model is 5’11”. Not to mention the guy was hardly good-looking, and he was slightly stocky. And his terminology was way off, a model wouldn’t say they have done major magazines unless they have done the cover…and how often do you see male models on the cover of magazines? They are usually on mens magazines and look a lot like the fitness type model I described earlier. In fact nowadays most magazine covers feature actors and athletes, not models. If had really booked work modeling he would say ad campaigns, catalog, print work or runway. He obviously inventing all of it!

I currently work as a Federal law enforcement agent….I wish I was kidding…but no, according to him being a major model and actor for 16 years somehow qualified him to work in federal law enforcement. I am not sure how you get that lucky break? Getting a job in federal law enforcement isn’t exactly easy, and there is some training involved that would take time. So when did he quit modeling/acting? And wouldn’t it be a huge pay cut? I mean if he was so successful as an actor/model why quit? And what is he anyway a SPY? How daring and bold.

Trained in martial arts for over 25 years…OK so he may have started at age 5 but that seems a little far-fetched given the rest of his profile.

Professional Reflexologist – Which is a person who massages and applies pressure to feet….and then he added that he had a foot fetish. OK, OK, OK…..gross that he mentioned the fetish ON HIS PROFILE but come on dude, if you really get sexually aroused by women’s feet, then wouldn’t it be sort of impossible to do that for a living? I mean if it is an actual profession for you, in addition to federal law enforcement and modeling blah, blah, blah…wouldn’t getting an erection all day long make your job kind of difficult. And again, that would take some training…and how could it fit it in with all the martial arts, modeling, acting and federal law enforcement he is doing!?! And all at the tender age of 30? AMAZING!

I am betting this dude lives with his mother and wouldn’t even follow through on a date…and I don’t think it was a joke profile because the email he sent me was very long and equally ridiculous, plus it was on a paid site. I can’t imagine anyone would spend money for that kind of humor when there are so many free sites out there. I did send a response as I blocked him basically telling him his entire profile looked like a farce and he might want to try telling the truth if he wants to get a date.

If nothing else these sites are comedy gold. I just wish they were dating gold! HA!!!

This has got to be an eHarmony date. (Photo credit: David Reber’s Hammer Photography)

eHarmony – The reasons why I absolutely loathe your site.

Too many suburban matches – I honestly felt bad for these guys because many of them tried to contact me, and I didn’t see the point. I live in a city with 8 million people, I shouldn’t have to date someone in the suburbs when I have no reliable way of getting to them on a regular basis.

Too many matches that did not meet even minimum criteria – location, height, religion, political affiliation, etc. Sending me multiple “matches” that were well below my own height? Sure some guys might be fine with this but many don’t like dating women more than a couple of inches taller than them. Also I clearly said all over the questionnaire that I was agnostic and NOT RELIGIOUS! I would rather have fewer matches that actually fit my criteria rather than have hundreds of men that did not come even close to what I had indicated in my preferences. I could just get that from a non-premium free site. I also questioned the validity of a questionnaire that sent me men with CAT ALLERGIES!

Long process to delete a match – To get rid of a match is a two-step process. It doesn’t seem so bad but when a person has so many bad matches, it’s an extremely tedious process to get rid of them.

Too many matches with no photo – eHarmony is hardly cheap. If I am paying a premium for the service, I should not have to waste my time with profiles that don’t have at least one photo.

High Cost – The lock you into a three-month contract and have auto-renewal, I made sure my account did not auto-renew, but it is difficult to make sure that it doesn’t happen.

No Gays Allowed – I didn’t know that when I signed up. And had I known it, I probably wouldn’t have signed up. I am not gay but I don’t see anything wrong with being gay.

Questionable matching process – Suburban cops? REALLY? I am a creative stand-up comic, emcee and singer with a degree in Theater and Music, call me crazy but I don’t think a COP is probably my best match. I don’t think most suburban cops would think I was their best match. The amount of law enforcement matches was baffling to me.

Unethical practices – eHarmony recently sent me an email completely out of the blue claiming a member was sending me an “icebreaker”. I found this highly shady since I hadn’t been a member now for a year. I went to “unsubscribe”, but the link took me to a page to re-register my account. I could find no way to contact the company other than to sign up again for a service which I absolutely hated. So they are either using phony profiles to try to lure old members back to their site, or they are using deleted and deactivated accounts as bait for current members. I responded to their email basically saying there were committing fraud and threatened to expose them on this very blog. I decided to not wait for a response, as the whole experience really made my skin crawl.

The Incident that made me shut down my account

I went on eHarmony to answer an email from a “MATCH!” On eHarmony I get a ton of matches, but most of them live extremely far away, or are horrible. Despite their claims of superior matching abilities eHarmony doesn’t seem to pay attention to things like height, or religion as they have sent me more than one 5’2″ devout Christian. A man’s height is not a deal breaker but a deeply religious man is definitely a bad match for an agnostic, at least this agnostic. I find it all very frustrating since I spent an hour filling a long questionnaire when I signed up.

I finally had one member contact me who lived in Manhattan. I really didn’t have strong feelings for him as he was average looking and his profile didn’t say much. He lived in Manhattan though and wasn’t a cop! eHarmony loves matching me with members of suburban law enforcement. I have no idea why!

I thought, let’s try this so I started to do their whole question back and forth thing. On eHarmony unlike other sites has a very rigid way of communication. We had to go through a series of questions before setting up a date. He asked for my top favorite albums of all time, and the last five albums I listened to recently. It get why he might think that was important, but it seemed rather trivial. Asking about one’s favorite bands was something we did in college right? Like most people, I don’t buy full albums very often but I managed to cobble a list for him. He also asked me to type random things about myself and I obliged. I became aggravated because after several steps, and a lot of time and energy, I still knew next to nothing about this person.

His response, over a week later was to tell me he was allergic to cats. I wondered why eHarmony matched us in the first place since I think I had indicated strongly my cats and I were a packed deal. Things really got strange when he attacked me personally for my accordion, my ukulele and my use of punctuation. I admit maybe my punctuation wasn’t perfect, but it was online correspondence and he had asked for random things. I think I just gave him a list, and I was trying to write in these tiny boxes that eHarmony uses for its forms. I’m sure I wrote in fragmented and run-on sentences. Compared to the writing style I usually see on dating websites my prose was on par with Hawthorne or Poe. I guessed what upset him is that from the time he first emailed me until his second response, I had tried to shut down my account. I wasn’t that interested anyway and I hadn’t heard from him in over a week. He must have taken this personally or as some type of snub and thought his best defense was a good offense. I had gotten hostile reactions from men online before, but it was a little unsettling to get it on an expensive premium site, especially one that brags about it’s screening process.

So I told Mr. What are your favorite albums where he could stick it. During my three-month membership I went on zero dates and found most matches inappropriate or unpractical. I honestly couldn’t imagine dating someone in central New Jersey, Long Island or Connecticut as I would never see them.

Overall I would never recommend the site. If they’ve matched people it’s by luck and not their expensive service.

A wall closet in a residential house in the United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have horrible and lingering doubts about if I will ever have a significant relationship with a heterosexual man. I know this is paranoid thinking, but is it? I don’t know or meet a lot of age appropriate men that I would want to date in my social or professional circles. So like a lot of people in my situation I turned to online dating. Match.com, OKCupid and eHarmony, and I hate to admit it but…..I seem to be a closet case magnet. Something about me must attract men who are not quite sure or their sexual orientation, desperate to cover it up. Is it my take no prisoners personality? My blonde hair? My obnoxious stage persona? I have no idea. So far I have been extremely passive on the sites, I usually don’t go out looking for men, instead I wait for the men to come to me. I get anywhere from 1-10 emails a day. Out of the men that have emailed me or “winked” at me I have seen the following….. Photos of them dressed in the following

A feather boa

A tiara

A skirt or dress

Women’s wigs

Pink Leotard – It was a ballroom dancing photo and he looked quite happy wearing it.

Of course there is nothing wrong with a man who wears pink, or dons a tiara as a joke, and many cross dressers are actually straight men. But when a profile looks and reads like a gay man’s profile – that’s a red flag. My favorite profile is another man’s description of himself (I edited it a touch to protect his identity)

I love watching old movie classics, listening to music and singing (especially Nat King Cole)good conversations about “great” literature (Les Miserables, Sister Carrie,Anna Karenina and modern history,dining out, wine tastings, going for long walks in Central Park, doing impersonations, watching plays (I have acted off-broadway), learning historical trivia & sharing it, learning languages, going shopping with a date and helping her select and buy a new dress (and all she needs to wear with it)!!

I wanted to grab this man by both shoulders, look him directly in his eyes and say – “You’re GAY! You know you’re gay. You’ve probably known since you were very young that you like other boys. Maybe you think you can run from it, hide it or suffocate those feelings. But I KNOW DEEP IN MY HEART, that you will be so much happier when you just accept who you are and celebrate it.Stop trying to live a lie and start living!”

And then today there was this, the man only had two photos of himself and this was one of them.

Nothing gay about a unicorn pissing a rainbow with a hot male human ass? I think he thought it was funny, but it just sent a huge mixed message.

Online dating seems to attract men who have had problems dating in real life. I would be the amount of closeted homosexuals on dating websites is actually higher than the general population. Out of frustration and a deep desire to live as someone they’re not, they turn to the internet to order up a girlfriend or a bride. Despite their attempts to mask their true sexual orientation, it’s usually quite apparent. Of course there is a spectrum, and they could be bisexual or just very feminine men, but in most cases I would suspect these guys are just kidding themselves.

I got stuck on an actual date with a man who had claimed he was 43 on his profile only to admit he was 51 on our date. He had every stereotypical mannerism of a gay man, but he really convinced me of his inner self loathing when he made a homophobic remark. One of the ways I pay my rent is by working as a face and body painter. He wanted to see some photos of my work on my phone. When he got to one of a gay man he said, “That’s gross. I don’t like that design. He looks ridiculous” I had shown that same photo to countless people and never had that reaction. It was completely clear to me he really hated himself, and was just projecting his own self-loathing onto another human being. Online dating isn’t going to fix anyone’s sexual orientation. I wish these men would learn to love themselves as they are, and embrace their homosexuality. Until then I’ll avoid the boa wearers, the men who claim their love for Madonna, and the self-loathing homophobes.