Mean Street: How Not to Get Fired on Wall Street

By Deal Journal

I’m not sure I should be writing this column. First of all, for many of you reading this column it may already be too late. The layoff lists at many Wall Street firms were drawn up weeks ago.

Second, I’m not sure you should be taking advice from someone who himself was fired on Wall Street. Then again, maybe that makes me particularly qualified. And truth be told, I have had the distinct displeasure of firing many people in the course of my career, so I have seen it from both ends.

I remember surviving one series of cuts at Goldman Sachs in 1994. After months of obsessive anxiety, I did keep my job. I was relieved, but I wasn’t happy. I was furious at myself for not having enough confidence in myself and for believing that the job was the most important thing in the world.

Trust me, it isn’t. But in the meantime, here is a short course in how not to end up unemployed on Wall Street:

Get yourself a guaranteed contract. A strategy best employed when you join a firm or after a particularly good year when management thinks (usually mistakenly) that you may flee to a competitor. Typically available only to already-wealthy senior managing directors. Logic: Management is sensibly reluctant to part with headcount that they will pay for regardless. Best outcome: To be fired anyway and keep guaranteed money.

Have a powerful rabbi. It is critical to keep your name off the lists, so it is obviously best to have a boss or well-placed friend (“rabbi” in Street-speak) compiling the lists. I believe this helped save me a couple of times, although nobody ever comes out and tells you so. Logic: The powerful need loyal followers to stay powerful. Best outcome: Keep job and pledge naming rights on first born to mentor.

Make your boss’s job easier. Bosses don’t like extra work. Especially work they can delegate and forget about. If you are the boss’s “go to” guy or gal, you will be passed over in the first few rounds of layoffs. Be warned, however. The importance of competence is typically overrated by bankers and traders alike. Logic: Usually plenty of incompetent colleagues to fire first. Best outcome: Keep job but need to compete harder with remaining, competent peers.

Shamelessly market yourself. Even a mediocre banker can usually put themselves in a positive light. I was endlessly amused when a midlevel banker would come into my office claiming, “I made $20 million for the bank last year.” Oddly, this revenue claim game seemed to work with other senior bankers. Logic: Many decision-makers are so busy exaggerating their own contributions that they may buy your outrageous claim and think you are valuable. Best outcome: Keep job but actually need to generate revenue next year.

Lay low and cross your fingers. If you are lucky you will be on an active deal that will give you the excuse to be out of the office often. If you are unlucky, you will have to resort to filling your schedule with meaningless pitch meetings. My experience was that the floors were like ghost towns before the firings began. Logic: the less my boss sees of me the better. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Best outcome: Miss first round of layoffs. Buy time before eventual firing.

Extortionary tactics. Exploit any minor incident that could hypothetically have involved misconduct with clients, extramarital affairs, drug or alcohol abuse, sexual or racial discrimination. Strategy only to be used under extraordinary duress where you are comfortable spending the next few years in law suits or arbitration. (Banks have a lot of lawyers, so I would strongly argue against this method.) Logic: Investment banks are so terrified of bad press, they won’t fire me. Best outcome: Keep job but lead a life of extreme paranoia and guilt.

Comments (5 of 48)

I agree with Michael Fers: WE NEED TO DO AWAY WITH AT WILL EMPLOYMENT. IT IS ABUSED BY ALL CORPORATIONS.

8:56 am May 7, 2008

work hard yet overlooked wrote :

epicurean dealmaker - can you please be my boss?

7:53 pm April 28, 2008

test wrote :

test

6:49 pm April 28, 2008

K wrote :

Fired 6 times, multi-millionaire.

9:15 pm April 27, 2008

Swiss-Boated wrote :

UBS is a classic example. They fired first and have likely not stopped to aim later even as yet. They will keep firing as we now know. In due time they will rehire because they will do what all badly managed firms do well, overdo things to the extreme. They were long and wrong on the structured side and now will be too short human capital.

In the meanwhile, the "weasels" will stay close to each other and sweat the remaining people who avoided the cut by luck or by kissing up.

Once upon a time you could be relatively sure about your prospects and there were lots of "rabbi's", and people of character around. Not any more...say one thing about Citi, they didn't send thousands out the door instantly while management tried to hang on, as did UBS. At least they went thru the motions of real talent retention reviews and absolutely shook up their top management ranks first.

In the end, you work to live not vice versa and everyone in the securities industry is overpaid, period.

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Deal Journal is an up-to-the-minute take on the deals and deal makers that shape the landscape of Wall Street, including mergers and acquisitions, capital-raising, private equity and bankruptcy. In short, wherever money changes hands. Deal Journal is updated throughout each trading day with exclusive commentary, analysis, data, news flashes and profiles. The Wall Street Journal’s David Benoit is the lead writer, with contributions from other Journal reporters and editors. Send news items, comments and questions to deals@wsj.com.