Young Adult Metastatic Vaginal Cancer and life after

Feeling Fake

I’ve debated quite a lot about whether I should post this. I don’t like to worry people and I don’t want people to treat me differently by treading on eggshells. If it’s anything like the last few posts then I expect I’ll get a lot of messages… Or not. Haha. You may not care! 😂

But I want to be true to myself and I said when I started this that I would give the honest truth to everything. It may be hard to hear at times and it may be stuff that people don’t want to hear about but it’s my life. The good the bad and the ugly. This. Is. Me.

I feel fake.

Everything I seem to do at the minute is forced. My smiles don’t come so easily and my positive vibes are lacking.

When I knew what was going on I could deal with it. There was progress. I may have felt shit day in and day out but I knew treatment was working. I was one step closer to getting my life back.

I don’t know what’s coming. I’m lost. I’m sad. I’m feeling fake.

I’m not depressed. I think that word gets thrown about too much. I’m just sad. I’ll get over this eventually… Probably in about 2 weeks.

I found out last month that I can’t donate blood anymore. That’s just another thing that makes me sad. After having 10 units of blood back in January it means I can never donate again after the whole blood fiasco in the 80s. It’s another piece of my old life I can’t do anymore.

I feel like I’m kind of short changing you guys at the minute. This was meant to be the stories of a happy smiling cancer girl 😂 and it’s been lacking in the happy and smiling aspects of late! I promise, I’ll buck up my ideas and get back on track soon.

I’m in a funk but I’ll deal with it… Like everything else! This won’t last.

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0 thoughts on “Feeling Fake”

Hello Lovely, having bad days only makes the good days feel so good! Do you go to Meditation Classes? I seriously recommend them to give yourself ‘you’ time and to free your mind and totally relax. I know a good class (Karen Froud) in Abingdon on a Tue night (£5) for the hour. Let me know if you want to go! Keep smiling and don’t stop! Xx

Love you!!
So normal to feel this way but what really is amazing is even though you feel this way you still manage to hold that fake smile up !!!
You will get through this hard time
Stronger than ever !!

Even through the shit times I can see your strength and resolve still there, it’s just taking a backseat right now, because it’s perfectly normal for you to feel totally shit sometimes!! Some people say to get yourself out of the house, read a book, talk to someone. I say do whatever feels right to you at this time- and If that involves staying in bed and watching Friends then do that. Just know that there’s so many friends out there ready to pick you up when YOU are ready. Love you to the moon and back xxx

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1 month agoby happysmilingcancergirlC•U•T•I•EP•I•E • He knows how to work the eyes and pull at the heartstrings • but he sure gives the best cuddles when it's a down day

4 days agoby happysmilingcancergirlX•R•A•Y•S☢&B•L•O•O•D•S • Last Monday was my 3 monthly • Still good in the cancer department! That's a relief! • There's no denying that I've been out of sorts of late and I've kept the bad thoughts at bay for long enough! Pretty good if I say so myself! But it was boiling up, and over it spilled • Last Monday ended with me in tears in the oncology waiting room convinced the hour delay to my appointment was down to the recurrence of more devastation but thankfully it wasn't... Just normal everyday delays (big sigh of relief) • With colds,

2 weeks agoby happysmilingcancergirlT•H•EH•Y•P•O•C•O•N•D•R•I•A•CC•A•M•E•L • How do you stop yourself from becoming a hypochondriac after cancer? • Well I'll tell you... with great difficulty! Every cough, ache and swelling is something sinister in this new world. Especially with a currently inactive but present cancer like mine • Last week I was pretty run down. Down to the bone dog tired. Recovering from a cold I told myself. Silent freak outs occured daily, its not cancer, it's not cancer! • Tender spot under the chin? part of the cold. Extremely deep, painful spots? I'm just run down. Eczema back on my hand? Exhaustion •

2 weeks agoby happysmilingcancergirlF•U•NF•A•C•T • Apparently it can take 2-4 weeks for the swelling in your lymph nodes to go down but may not disappear completely... • Yay! Hamster face forever!

4 weeks agoby happysmilingcancergirlM•E•C•H•A•N•I•CM•A•N•D•Y • That's what they'll be calling me after this! Mondays spent under the bonnet... yes siree! • Some of you may not understand my vision... It's a big task converting a van into a beauty salon • But I'm a lady of many talents! • Some of you may think it's too big of a job. Yep, it's big. But one small bite of the elephant at a time and I'll get there • Today I took on the biggest challenge of the whole project. I'm told the most expert of experts have trouble with this. () So I