My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. -
Caroline Rhea
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
-Bill Murray

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are
named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
-Chris Rock
“Your secrets are safe with me because, chances are, I wasn’t even
listening.”– Bill Murray
“You used so much oil the US want to invade the plate!” -Gordon
Ramsay (TV Chef)
“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”-
George Burns
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. -Ellen DeGeneres
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is
something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. -Albert Einstein
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was
particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.- George
Burns
“I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.”
– Bill MurrayWhen life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. -Cathy
Guisewite

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness. -Mark
Twain
“Do crabs think we walk sideways?”-Bill Murray
Don't be so humble - you are not that great. -Golda Meir
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. -Lawrence
Ferlinghetti
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me
about the butcher and my wife.-Rodney Dangerfield
“If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by
intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.”–
Bill MurrayI don’t hate you… I just don’t like
that you exist. -Gena ShowalterNext Part
Funny Quotes