Tuesday, February 23, 2010

After much thought, and much debate, many tears and many discussions with people, I have decided to put my dog, Hope, up for adoption through a rescue agency.

She will stay with me as if I were a foster mom while they try to find her a home.

I have been honest about her full list of problems and hope she finds the best possible home for her. I just do not think it is fair to her to be in her corral all day long when I just do not have the energy to watch her.

Just today I left her alone for 30 minutes and in that time she raided the trash can, went potty on the floor twice, got into the OTHER trash can, and barked for 25 of those 30 minutes for no reason even with me hollering from in the other room to shush. (I left her out while I took a shower, not an unreasonable thing to do.)

It is not fair to her to be confined so much, and it isn't fair to me to have to follow her around with a roll of paper towels and cleaning supplies when she is out.

I have exhausted my knowledge of dog training, and exhausted the knowledge of many other people I know as well, even done hours of research online trying to find a solution. She won't potty train, she won't learn to go on a pad, or paper. She will chew off a diaper, or just refuse to walk when you put one on her. I just do not know what else to do. She will not stop barking, even if she gets a punishment (squirt bottle spray in the face) while she is barking, she will not make the cause and effect link that most animals will make.

It also isn't fair to my baby. When he starts crawling on the floor, I would have to put the dog away or risk her going potty in a place he is playing. I would have to stop playing with him to do the only thing I have found to get her to stop barking, I would have to put him down and go block the dogs view of whatever she is barking at. I also will not risk having her barking for half an hour straight while he is sleeping and disturbing his rest.

I hope she will get a good home, and I will not let her go to just anyone. But I have to do this. For over 2 years I have worked with her and tried everything I can imagine and it just simply is NOT working out anymore. There are too many changes coming for me to manage a baby, my own self, and a brain damaged Chihuahua who I can not even put on a tie up outside for an hour without risking her either hurting herself, eating something harmful, or any other number of things.

I also will not put my baby at risk of an unsanitary house. If she happened to pee and I didn't see it in time... I don't want my baby crawling through dog pee. I don't want her to be running about playing, then stopping and pooping without any warning like she does. Not with a baby who will be roaming about the floor very soon.

I can not even take the dog for WALKS of more than a block without her breaking down and needing to be carried, so I wouldn't even be able to bring her to the park when I take my baby for walks.

So, she is going to be posted on http://www.familydogsnewlife.org/ soon hopefully and I can begin the process of finding her a home with someone who will love her as much as I do, but be able to work with her on her issues and give her the patience and time that I just no longer have.

This is so hard to do, but I really do not see any other option that is right for me or Hope.

Until she goes to her new home, she will be with me still. I will just be a foster mommy instead of a normal mommy. I am trying not to feel too guilty about this decision. I really think that it is for the best, as hard as it is.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

We have a crib! Courtesy of my step mom and my grammy, we have two big boxes leaning against the wall of the baby's room, one of them being the mattress and one of them being the crib.

As soon as we get the cat situation solved and get the windowsill painted we will be setting up the baby's room and putting his crib together.

My aunt told me that my cousin-in-law's mom would like to let us use the bassinet that the newest second cousin, Dotty, used. I am thrilled to bits by this, since it means he would have a bed for the first few days/weeks that was already full of love, family, and all those warm fuzzy feelings.

He has been kicking up a storm lately too, punching and jabbing me at all hours of the day and night. Especially when I go to lay down to fall asleep. I guess my sleep time is his time to wake up and demand some attention. So I talk to him, sing to him, tell him how much I can not wait to meet him!

Oh, speaking of family, when I was unpacking the gifts from my little bridal shower I found the picture that my cousins drew for me, a rat, a bear, a penguin, and a sticker saying "It's A Girl" and while it might not be a girl, I decided that this picture was the first one that should go up in Baby Boy's room. So, underneath the stuffed animal hanger I pinned the picture, on its sunny yellow construction paper. It makes me smile to see it in there, and get just a wee bit teary eyed since my family is SO important to me.

My mom wants to come visit in a month or so, and I can not wait to see her! She will get to see me looking like I am smuggling a beach ball and maybe even feel her grandson kick. I think she would like that.

We also decided that since the baby's room doesn't have the greatest of views, we would GIVE him a better view. It looks out onto a fence and the back of a grocery store. I want to paint him a meadow and some trees, maybe a bird or two, some clouds in the sky and a bright sun peeking out over them. Or maybe I will give him a beach view, with some grassy sand dunes and waves rolling in. I will just leave the "sky" of the picture blank, to let the light in. I remember when I was younger and my mom let me paint my bedroom window like that. It was exciting to give myself whatever view I wanted.

Oh, and the last thing I will share, before putting myself to bed, Dan and I went down to the courthouse today to find out what I needed to do about changing my name officially, and apparently I have been Mrs. Hegwood for a while now. I had thought I needed to do some paperwork, but all I need to do is call every single place where my name is on file and tell them it has changed. So my list of places will have to get started tomorrow. I think one or two calls a day until it is all done should be good enough.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Well, already time is flying by. Had another prenatal appointment yesterday. All is well! His little home for now measures about a week or two over where I am supposedly at, but that is normal since it isn't an exact science. I mean, someone holding a measuring tape across my growing belly really can't be all that exact in the first place!

Got to hear his heartbeat and it was just fine. He wriggled away from the Doppler thing they use to listen, this time I got to feel it.

Supposedly if I touch my belly I should be able to feel lumps that are him. I can't say that I have felt that yet, but my belly jumps and gets lumps when he kicks and punches.

I just have to remember that he is why I am putting up with some of the rough things I am dealing with. Each little nudge, each kick, each wriggle is why I am not eating bread, or sugar. Why I am sitting here, occasionally in tears, wanting an ice cream, or a pizza, a big thick piece of sourdough toast with butter and jam... It's so hard to not have things you want. Or to have a poor substitute. I did find sugar free cookies, but they still have flour of course, which is carbs... Sooooo, one small cookie, or four TINY cookies is a full snack, other than carb free options, but it is hard to feel full on cheese and salami, or green beans... unless you eat too much, then you just feel ill.

I tried making a lemon meringue pie thing today... it has a meringue crust with what is basically a small amount of normal lemon meringue filling whipped with whipped cream to fill it. It is sugar free, one pie is 8 servings, each serving only has 5 grams of carbs in it, and that is only cause i used real lemon juice mostly... it is actually pretty rich, and not half bad!!!! But it has to be one of the WEIRDEST things I have ever eaten.

Right now I am just killing time each day and counting down to meeting my little guy. I can't believe it is already February 12th. It seems like time is just zipping by, but then it seems to pause and it feels like June will NEVER get here!

One day at a time, as they say. It works for many aspects of life.

One more day sugar free, one more day closer to meeting my son, one more day... and this one is almost over.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

No more grabbing a drink on the weekend, no more sugar, no more grilled cheese sandwiches (too much bread), no more pasta...

Until the gestational diabetes gets gone, I am left without a way to "treat" myself.

Always it was a bowl of ice cream, a hershey bar, going out and having a drink...

I have been trying to think of things to do to make me feel spoiled now, but I am at a loss. Everything I want to do costs money and that makes it a big NO-NO right now. No getting a massage, no shopping for fuzzy slippers, no more craft supplies.

I tried those no sugar low carb ice cream bars, but they just don't feel like a treat since you can tell the difference too easily.

I am trying to find something that can feel like a treat, for those days when I feel like I am giving up too much, or when I am stressed and just want to relax.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Yahoo Babel Fish promised me that those words were the German translation of "My cats are crazy". So if they are wrong, sorry!

But yea. The cats are causing the most issues right now.

My kitty, Katchoo, is terrified of Dan's cats. This is reasonable, when his cats were stressed out at the old house they teamed up and tormented Katchoo mercilessly until she lost about 50% of her total body weight. She was skin and bone and it scared the hell out of me.

But now it seems they are trying to be good, but she is so scared of them. I can't blame her. I would be scared too. But I don't know how to make them all get along.

Now, I left them all together while i ran to the bank and came home to find Katchoo on my desk, covered in pee, and having chunks of fur pulled out. Not big chunks, but some chunks. I was gone for, 20 minutes? If that...

We have got to get these cats to get along, or I don't know what to do.

I guess it is just a matter of time. Giving them time. Right now Raven is curious about Katchoo, she keeps trying to sniff her, and that is making Katchoo hiss and growl and be terrified, so I made Katchoo her own Kitty Klubhouse and am letting her hang out in there to her hearts content. It's a cardboard box with only a small panel cut out that she can come in and out of and see out of if she wishes. I put it on my desk and hopefully she will just hang out there until she feels comfy coming out. I will just make sure to offer her food and water from time to time.

It breaks my heart to see her this scared, but I also have to remember that when Johnny was a kitten and I brought him home, she didn't sleep for 3 days and didn't eat and sat there and hissed and growled at him. Within 2 months she was grooming him and being nice to him. Never best of friends, but she ignored him until he was annoying. And she did the same with Little Girl back in CA, and any other kitty she had been around.