School Reunion: Man distressed to find that ‘cool kids’ have become ‘cool’ adults

A man from Islington, London was surprised to see that those he remembered being cool at secondary school, had become cool, friendly and happy adults.

Local man Sam Dyan was mortified to realise that those he termed ‘the so called cool kids’, were still considerably more popular than him and had not in fact cratered into a lonely, miserable abyss as coming of age Hollywood movies had promised.

Instead, whilst Sam sulked his way around the party, this exclusive clique seemed to present themselves with ease and general tranquillity.

‘It’s disgusting, that’s what this is’ said Sam, aged 26 now and still as desperately gangly as the pimply 11 year old whose picture he had pinned to his chest. ‘The only reason I came here today was to bask in the tears and failures of the guys who had bunked off school and got drunk in the car park, whilst I was trying to scrape together a quorum for chess club. And to see if Jenni had got fat! But what’s the point?!

She’s still gorgeous and they all seem like really calm, decent people with ridiculously awesome jobs – I mean like 80% of the people here somehow have DJ-Philanthropist-Googler on their business cards, like how?!’

Sam’s reaction didn’t seem to cause much of a stir amongst other attendees, with Tim Michaelson simply wishing Sam the best and introducing him to his model wife and recent baby, before embarking early to catch a film premiere.

Sam’s surprise at the state of his peers was also rare amongst attendees, who had mostly committed to stalking each other on Facebook for hours a day in the weeks leading up to the reunion.

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