Dark Day NineWoke up feeling sick. Not interview nervous sick, just plain sick in my stomach - I've really had more than my fill, enough already - type sick. Think that I was dreaming H had returned home and I got that good old pull on the solar plexus that brought me to concious life from my dream world. "Right, I've had more than enough - he needs to get home now". It's become my mantra, instead of the PMA stuff that I should be reciting.

I'm just at that stage where I don't think that I am getting anywhere and to give up now and LRT him would be a final execution of the rot that is starting to fester within me on a grand scale. All he has to say is "I'm coming home" and I would be back to normal - only the new me that I have found recently, would be here to stay - with my H - we could be a family again ... three little words to change someone's life around ... not much to ask, is it??

My interview, I think, was a bit of a formality. They asked me one question and I was in there for 10 minutes - the most lax interview I have had in many a day. It all sounded like they were ready to offer me the temp post but who knows?? Let the agent figure it out - I have bigger fish to fry. Oh - they have just rung for my references so it's not looking bad! With this kind of news ordinarily, I would now be on the phone to H and he would be saying "well done - fingers crossed now for the next phone call" .... that's what he would be saying if only I could call him.

Came home from my interview and took to the gardens for some physical workout again. The back lawn got some soil wetter granules whilst the front and side lawns were treated to weed'n'feed and then the grass trees had the hair cut that they have been waiting for over the last two years .. both look like pineapples on speed now! As our retic ban is still on, I hand watered the gardens too - that was a BIG job and now my back aches. I'm physically tired ... my hands are aching, I've got 'secater finger' and I just want to fall down to my knees and cry.

Why am I having to do all of this stuff alone whilst H is probably gearing up for a fun weekend of ... well, whatever it is he's got planned. No responsibilities, no house, no pets and no wife to have to deal with ... oh, I really could be very sick. Why can't I cry??? I need to ... oh, so very much. He's getting off scott free and I can't go on like this for much longer. I really am at breaking point.

good news on the job front. Having a job will give you focus and greater independence.

I can so relate to your last paragraph. I definitely went through all of that Nell, especially as H walked away from the kids. The down side for me was that I tried to rescue the situation. That did absolutely nothing for me emotionally. I think eventhough this is incredibly painful right now it is the preferred option. I have invested so much time and emotion and I'm really not any further along!

H just came by the house and was talking to S. I heard his voice but sat quietly in the study.

Do you really think so Cas - is this really the lesser of the two evils?? What is wrong with these men that they can treat the women who they have loved so very shabbily?? I could not treat my worst enemy this way ... but in fairness to H, he has never been dumped, never been on his own and can NOT understand why I am as upset as I am ... he doesn't have the first idea of how this feels - or to be alone. Totally and utterly alone.

You did well to stay in the study ... did your H not come speak at all?

Tonight is me time - again! Too tired to think of anything other than falling in to bed with the two babies wrapped up warm and cosily by my side. Going to try to get out a bit on my bike tomorrow - apparently it will rain on Sunday so make the most of it and admire my front garden as I cycle by!

What have you got going on? I doubt if you are feeling like tripping the light fantastic right now, are you?!

Oh Nell, I am certainly hearing you. I spent a lot of time trying to work out how H could love me enough to marry me (and he was the pursuer)and have children with me but then treat me so badly. I thought he must have really hated me but decided later that it was really about him and his quest for happiness. It wasn't about me at all. All he really cared about was himself.

H was at the door but did not come in. He would have thought I was at work anyway. S wouldn't have invited him in anyway! I didn't want to see him either as I'm still in my pyjamas!

I have a bbq tonight at a friend's place and I will pop over for a short visit. The rest of the weekend is free. D has some assignments so I'll help her and take it easy for the rest...try to sleep and rest to get rid of the cough...feels like my insides are popping out!!

Thanks Cas - your words are comforting ... as you know, nothing really 'helps' as no-one can go through this for me, but it does know that my feelings are real and that others have felt the same way. I often think that I am cracking up and I am the only sad sack who feels this way about their abandonment - for that's what I would prefer to call it .. not WAH but ABH (abandoned by husband - interestingly too, actual bodily harm).

Ha! I was just putting my PJ's on and I thought "this is so not the look that I want H to catch me in these days, just in case he popped by (not that he would - he has always been very circumspect in making an appointment to call) - and there's you, in your jimmies when your H drops by! Put a smile on my face if nothing else and no wonder you didn't want to see him!!

BBQ sounds great tonight ... is the weather starting to change over with you? It's perishing here in the night times but the days appear to be getting a little longer, brighter and warmer! Just don't wear yourself out now - but do have a good time!

But that would make you a victim and you aren't - you're a strong woman, under a lot of emotional pressure yes, but not a victim.

Believe me, you couldn't be a confidant for your h, if you think you feel emotional now you wait till he starts spouting about his woes. I tried it, it doesn't work and the emotional toll on you is too great.

I know it seems counter-intuitive, but this is the best way. I did it the other way (begged, pleaded, bargained, took crumbs for 6 months) and look at the length of time in my position. It doesn't work.

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M- May 2006D - Aug 2010Now travelling the world