Searching for the G-spot

My boyfriend claims his past girlfriends all had G-spot orgasms from intercourse. For the life of me I can’t seem to find my G-spot. I’ve done my Internet research, but still feel lost and inadequate compared to his previous partners. How do I find this spot?

—Searching for the G-Spot

Dear Searching,

It doesn’t do any of us any good to compare ourselves to other women. I encourage you to celebrate your personal pleasure spots and explore other areas — without a goal that you need to be like your boyfriend’s past girlfriends.

That said, here’s the skinny on the G-spot. Anatomically, the Grafenberg spot (G-spot) can be a sensitive area just behind the front wall of the vagina. Located one to two inches from the opening of the vagina, it is an area the size of a dime to quarter that sits next to the urethra. Some experts claim that it’s better described as an erogenous zone rather than a specific anatomical structure.

However, some women do not experience pleasure from the G-spot, and many others cannot experience orgasm from only G-spot stimulation. For orgasm, most women need clitoral stimulation.

If you want to explore the G-spot area, do so with enough time for arousing foreplay and include simultaneous clitoral stimulation. Most of all, have fun in the search, but don’t sweat it if you don’t find much there.

Dear Dr. Jenni,

I’m 20 and only been having sex for the past nine months, but I come really fast. I’ve read up on how to last longer, and I’m doing my part to practice this alone. But I feel really embarrassed telling a new girl that I need to slow down, or that she needs to slow down. My fraternity brothers brag about lasting hours, but I feel like I suck at sex and I feel really alone in this.

—Alone with Premature Ejaculation

Dear Alone,

You are not alone. Rapid or premature ejaculation is the most common male sexual issue. In self-reported studies, it occurs in about 20 percent to 30 percent of men of all ages, with “premature” being defined as within one or two minutes of penetration.

If you’ve only been sexually active for the past nine months, it makes sense that your penis is still in training. Like any muscle group, it takes time to build endurance and strength when doing a new activity.

You are on a good track by doing your self-pleasure exercise to last longer. To decrease the highly sensitive sensations, you may also want to use condoms, a practice you should be doing anyway for sexual health safety. Some men report good results from condoms with a benzocaine numbing agent as well.

As for your frat brothers, while too much alcohol can make a man lose his erection, just enough can help assuage anxiety. When you are not worried about performance, then lasting longer is an easier task. My guess is that alcohol is involved, but rather than be dependent on alcohol for this task, consider switching your mindset around sex. Can you consider sex as a whole body experience of pleasure, rather than solely a genital performance? Making this change will help alleviate anxiety. You may be surprised how easy and fun sex becomes when you tell a new girl, “I need to pause for a few minutes to regain my strength” as you move to pleasuring her orally during the timeout.

Send questions for Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., to Skyler is a sex therapist and board-certified sexologist who runs The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, www.theintimacyinstitute.org.