SEATTLE  In a move applauded by market pundits as "inspired," Boeing
today announced it was cutting its workforce by 100 percent.

"We almost stumbled over this when we started to reduce the workforce in
1997," said CFO Mitch Higgins. "The more we reduced, the higher the profits
went. We figured that if some was good, more would be better  and now weve
realized all is great! Were looking at boosting profits as much as 90 percent for
the last quarter this year."

Asked if he had sympathy for the over 50,000 workers who will lose their jobs, Higgins
was stoical. "Ive got stock options that are going to put me somewhere left of
rich," he said. "What do I care if Johnny Socketwrench is jobless? Ive got
my own worries. I mean, have you seen the waiting list for matching his-and-her Porsche
Boxsters? Its ridiculous. Between that and the abysmal job my personal valet did
ironing my money this morning, Im not having a real good day either. Waah."

The company isnt saying how, in the absence of workers, it plans to meet delivery
dates for orders already paid for.

"Thats a Year-2000 problem," said Higgins. "I dont have any
time to be speculative about where and how were going to meet those delivery dates.
And what the hell kind of question is that, anyway? If I werent already getting rid
of everybody, Id hire your sorry ass just so I could fire you tomorrow with the rest
of the dead weight. You workers types have been a drag on corporate efficiency ever since
the company started."

Market reaction has been favorable, as Boeings stock has surged 35 points since
the announcement.

"We knew somebody was eventually going to make the connection between no employees
and higher profits," said industry analyst Mark Nelger. "We were just waiting
for a company to have the courage to cut their entire labor and benefits costs and really
boost profits. I think this trend is really going to catch on."

Caution tired of being exercised

DALLAS  In a press release today, Caution made a plea to people everywhere to
stop exercising it.

"Im simply exhausted," Caution is quoted as saying. "Day after
day, hour after hour, everywhere, all the time, people are exercising me. The workout
never stops. Sure, these years of constant exercise have turned me into a sinuously ripped
mass of muscle, but enough is enough. Im beat."

Caution also urged everyone to be more reckless and carefree. "Quit being such a
bunch of candy-asses. Live a little. Youll probably enjoy life more, and Ill
get some much needed rest."