It's T-minus four days till the worldwide release of Fifty Shades of Grey, and the only person who cares less than me is probably Christian Grey himself. Why else would Jamie Dornan show up to every interview, press event, and premiere looking full Grizzly Adams? Is it willful disobedience or full on ambivalence? And if he's going to do this for the next month or so, can he maybe change it up a little? Look, it's no secret that Dornan hasn't really committed to his role as the Fifty Shades sadist. In fact, he refuses to show his "todger" (ugh), and he has to constantly remind us that the sex scenes (AKA the only reason anyone read Fifty Shades of Grey) were uncomfortable and SO not sexy to shoot.

And I would think it is very, very plausible that he is utilizing his untamed whiskers to either rebel entirely or distract us from sex scene chatter in the film. Only time will tell. Whatever the reason may be, there’s no excuse for being uncreative. He needs to break out his Pinterest board and amp up his beardspiration tenfold. And luckily I know just the place to start.

Here's a handful of beards that will sure to distract and baffle the critics. Keep your chin up!

1. The Williamsburg in February Beard

Just like every other guy we've dated from November to now. Pair with a flannel and a beanie for a vibe that's VERY Sexy Lumberjack, if a Sexy Lumberjack had Animal Collective on vinyl and works at a wine bar.

2. The Jolly Saint Nick Beard

A classic, and so fitting, too! Like Christian Grey, Santa is a beloved cultural figure who's into glorified stalking and will punish you when you're naughty. TWINSIES!

3. The CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow Beard

I understand that the dreads are seriously committing, but you could compromise with two braided and beaded strands of tangled grossness. You know, for a minimalist feel.

4. The Keeper of Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts Beard

Nothing says facial hair rebellion like showing up to a premiere full Hagrid.

5. The Casual Zombie Apocalypse Beard

For that Rick Grimes swagger, consider a dash of matted blood. Personally, I think it adds that extra something special.