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George Bush asked in a BBC interview if America still held the moral high ground after scandals of violated civil liberties, civilian deaths, tortures and Abu Ghraib: “Absolutely. We believe in human rights and human dignity. We believe in the human condition. We believe in freedom.” This from a man who is trying to veto a bill from the US Senate (how very democratic of him) which makes the use of water boarding illegal for the purposes of interrogation. In other words he is trying to make the use of torture legal. How this fits in with his previous statement is beyond me. How this retarded monkey can say things like this then apparently believe he is on the side of Good is beyond me. And just how so many fucking idiots can go along with it, vote for it and support it is utterly beyond me.

The fact that the Senate had to even pass a law declaring this process illegal to begin with speaks volumes – most civilised countries would consider such torture utterly illegal to begin with and not need to pass extra laws. This is how the self proclaimed good guys fight the good fight. No wonder the world is such a bloody mess. Neitzche’s cautionary passages on fighting monsters and becoming a monster in the process was obviously not on the reading curriculum for Bush or his supporters. Although since the brain-dead numpty seems to have difficulties with the fairly simple task of putting words together for coherent speech it shouldn’t be a surprise that he isn’t well educated or well read.

The latest story to emerge in the sorry tale of the White House and Downing Street’s joint cover-up of an (alleged) is that the document covering Blair talking Bush out of bombing Arabic broadcaster al-Jazeera is that there is no such document. And there aren’t two men facing court charges under the Official Secrets Act because, of course, the secret document they leaked doesn’t exist. And it isn’t just an attempt by Downing Street to protect the reputation of George Bush according to Attorney General Goldsmith, it’s about the rule of law. And obviously we can completely trust Goldmsith’s word on this because as we know from his rulings on the legality of the war he is completely above and beyond political pressure and interference in his legal interpretations.

Then again, cynics may say the janitor as Goldsmith’s College has a more reliable opinion on legal matters… Besides the latest rumour of this non-existent document is that Bush didn’t try to bomb al-Jazeera only to be persuaded by Tony that it wasn’t the best idea. Actually, with his less than comprehensive grasp of world events Bush apparently called for the bombing of Al Bundy because he saw Married With Children as undermining the sacred values of the all-American Christian family lifestyle. However, Blair’s son Euan is a big fan of the show and begged his father to persuade his chum George to desist.

Some right-wing talk radio pundits in the US have said that bombing media centres would not violate the US constitution since they would not attempt to censor any broadcast or freedom of speech and the Constitution says nothing about bombing buggery out of journalists. Impeding their freedom of speech would be illegal, one commentator said, but blowing the crap outta them is perfectly legal.

On a more serious note, how the hell can you legally take people to court for breaching the Official Secrets Act over a document that you say doesn’t exist? And how scary is it that the events we have seen in the last few years have been Bush with whatever small restraint Blair can bring to bear on him? What the hell would he be like without Tony’s influence???

President Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the FrenchPresident Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal. BATON ROUGE, LA. – The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000. “This is a bold step forward for America,” said Bush. “And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash.”

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild. “Jack understands full well that this one’s a ‘fixer upper,’” said Bush. “He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they’ve got a lot of work to do. But Jack’s assured me, if it’s not right, they’re going to fix it.”The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

However, President Bush’s decision has been widely lauded by Republicans. “This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. “Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we’ve just made 25 million dollars in pure profit.”“This is indeed a smart move,” commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. “Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we’ve made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again.”The money gained from ‘T’he Louisiana Refund’ is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.

Which kind of reminded me of something that hopped into my mind while singing in the shower this morning (well, the shower radio needs new batteries). To be sung to the tune of American Pie:

“Well, it’s bye bye to being high and dry,Tried to plug the levee with my Chevy but the tide was too high,And good ole’ George was on TV in a tie,Said please help us, Mr President, but he didn’t even try…”

And please don’t write in telling me I’m a sick puppy. For starters we all know that already and secondly I’m not having a go at the poor souls in New Orleans, but sometimes events are so bad you just need to be able to make the odd joke about them.

Bush spoke of setting a fire and taking that fire to every corner of the world. Interesting choice of phrase: does this indicate that he intends to burn down the planet? Perhaps something along the lines of taking a torch of liberty to the dark places of the world would have worked a little better (really, speechwriters ain’t what they used to be, are they?). And I loved the phrase about ‘preparing Americans to live in a free society’. That would infer that they aren’t living in one now, George. Regardless of how you feel about the man most folks admit that he has had some slick speech writers on his staff. Perhaps they all had bad colds putting them off – well they will insist on holding an inauguration in January in the open air.

The BBC News 24 coverage came, as most news channels now do, with the inevitable info bar towards the bottom of the screen. This one proclaimed the inauguration coverage (well, duh…) and below this a smaller text bar helpfully informing the viewer that ‘President Bush was elected in November’. May I refer readers to my earlier exclamation of ‘well, duh…’? I find these info bars annoying at the best of time, but when they have nothing whatsoever to add, why have them on the screen? How dim do they think news viewers are? It’s not unique to the Beeb by any means – pretty much all news organisations do this now – but it is sad that even the best news broadcaster in the world now assume viewers are as thick as a sock full of custard…

To mark the inauguration of that remarkable war-time hero of the American People, George W. Bush, Lardbucket Dairies is proud to present their all-new dairy product for Patriots everywhere, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Liberty. Produced using only the finest all-American cattle, raised on the finest all-American steroids in the patriotic heartland of Texas ranches I Can’t Believe It’s Not Liberty is a full-fat product (take that you Liberal nannies!) that spreads straight from the fridge.

Perfect for a patriotic breakfast or to spread on troubled nations – why labour on as whining, unpatriotic Liberals criticise your policies when with one application of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Liberty on the troubled area and everything is instantly better! Apply swiftly then forget all about it – it’s the American Way! Salam of Baghdad said: “My family were shot dead at a checkpoint; we have no running water or electricity; violence blights our everyday lives but now we have this remarkable spread and the sun shines on my people once more. I really Can’t Believe it’s Not Liberty!”

A percentage of all profits will go to the Rush Limbaugh’s Red, White and Blue Donuts for Freedom programme.