Monday, April 30, 2007

though my blog will never be the recipient of the below gold seal, I still feel that it's my duty to report on all things zealot. the calling is deep for me, like inside my soul deep, so I will forge onward even though I will never be recognized for the great work I do with a beautiful stamp of jproval.

Would you have to change your clothes before you let Him in?Or hide some magazines, and put the Bible where they’d been?Would you hide your worldly music and put some hymn books out?Could you let Jesus walk right in, or would you rush about?

And I wonder.. if the Saviour spent a day or two with you,Would you go right on doing, the things you always do?Would you go right on saying, the things you alwayssay? Would life for you continue as it does from day to day?

Would you take Jesus with you everywhere you go?Or would you maybe change your plans for just a day or so?Would you be glad to have Him meet your closest friends?Or would you hope they’d stay away until His visit ends?

Would you be glad to have Him stay forever on and on?Or would you sigh with great relief when He at last was gone?It might be interesting to know, the things that you would do,If Jesus came in person, to spend some time with you.

-Author Unknown

if jesus popped in for a social call, I would expect him to know what I was wearing. he's god. I'd also like to think he'd schedule his social call while the coffee was percolating and I was plating some fresh ruggies. he knows how much I loathe not being prepared for social callers.

if jesus wants to get his jerk on watching some porn and listening to delta dawn or the way we were, he's more than welcome to do so. if he cums on my couch, I have lysol wipes that I'm sure he knows how to use.

I wouldn't change my routine for the savior. he's welcome to join me in my routine. that's cool. we could call my dad and conference in my brothers and my sister for some quality family cursing time. it's good clean fun!

I wouldn't want jdawg to stay forever. I mean, come on, a girl needs her privacy and guests should know when they've overstayed their welcome. if it was a quick weekend at schwartzy's, we'd end on a high note. but, if he stayed for like a week, I'd be irritated.

what would you do if jesus came to your house? new meem! I am tagging people who I think would be into this. here's the rule... you must tag at least 5 people. don't puss out, bitches. well, you can if you want to. it's guilt free.

cp : cp's evening with jeewee is off the fucking hook. it is so funny! it's a must read. imagine sipping appletini's with j-dawg and, well... click your ass on over!

dale : who knew you could find jesus with a squirt? well, you fucking can, and if you're wise, you'll click on over to daleish's fabulous and funny rendevous with jesus

creepy : what do we all love about the creepster... his brutal fucking honesty and candor and lemme tell ya, he pours it on thick in this rant. definitely worth the read, my friends.

hard-and-fast : sensu's visit with big-j is truly unrivaled with a sexual twist of course. he even introduced a new character, but you'll have to click on over to find out who. please run. read.now. so fucking funny!!!

ribbed for your pleasure : the masturbation daddy of doom has seriously gotten his swirl on (the third coming) jc can not only turn water into whine (and I do mean whine), he can also morph himself into liz hurley. run. read. now. hilar.

today is our favorite pulp lover/writer lewch's birthday! it's a biggie, too! he had one hell of a year, almost peeled out, but did way more than survive. clickon over and wish that child a very happy birthday!

happybirthday, lewchie!

I hope this year brings you great health, lots of success, pots and pots of creativity and everything your sweet heart desires!

alec baldwin is cashing in on his quick wit and fast thinking by making his first pornographic film called, thoughtless little pig. divorced dads from all walks of life will be gang banging vivid porn stars depicting their ex-wives while berating their offspring.

--

not for nuthin', my parents went through a ba-rutal divorce. seriously vile on every single level, so I'm tossin' in my two cents.

the damage of what alec baldwin said ain't goin' away, we all know that, and how very wrong it was. it's simply unforgivable. however, I do think miss 9 1/2 weeks is exacerbating the situation. parent alienation absolutely exists and I think she's workin some serious slander mojo against mr. 30-cock. in my opinion, that is equally vile, equally damaging and equally unforgivable.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

menses commenced at 10:15 this morning. I'm expecting a full blown war zone betwixt my femine thighs and meaty jew lips. cramps, epic. the egg, pissed off about lack of fertilization and taking a no hostages approach to menstruation this month. little bitch. here's a newsflash, ovum, I call the shots, not you. you want to be pissed off at someone, you should've thought of that long before choosing me as your host in this lifetime.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

if our hil wins the presidency, (which I hope she does), she's making blowjob-bill an ambassador. she must've meant of pussy. notice him featured between the legs of a dame. it's all so apropos, isn't it?

"I can't think of a better cheerleader for America than Bill Clinton , can you?" the Democratic senator from New York asked a crowd jammed into a junior high school gymnasium. "He has said he would do anything I asked him to do. I would put him to work."

anything she asks of him? oh, I do so hope she creates a suggestion box.

my friends, ask not what jesus can do for you—ask what you can do for jesus.

spend a year jumping rope for jesus. learn how to start a jump rope club of your very own. or join coach dennis and his army of jumpers as they tour and entertain the impoverished in africa, peru, honduras and other desperately poor nations. these starving kids learn how to jump for jesus on swollen, empty bellies. if they survive and give up their souls, they get a meal!

jump for jesus motorcycle stunt ministry (courtesy of my darling crionaberry). these guys give you a simple how to guide to salvation in four easy steps: recognize, realize, believe and repent. these j-devils tour all over the bible belt indoctrinating anyone they can get their gosh darn hands on.

Their motto: "We risk it all, to share the Gospel" Without backing down or compromise we stand for the Truth in The Gospel of Christ.

A snippet from the homepage: "RAVEN is really cutting up for Jesus with her music. We did 18 shows during the 2006 season, ministered to nearly 12,000 souls and saw at least 130 come to know Christ as Savior.We traveled 2600 miles and collectively jumped over 98 automobiles, 3 motorhomes,28 motorcycles, 7 dragracing lawnmowers and three. Please pray about how you might possibly help support our work for the Savior this season."

right off the homepage: "A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?" The woman replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. "This was passed on to me by another pumpkin. Now it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch."

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Welcome to the first ever edition of Christian miscarried kids! Have you ever wondered what happens when a zealot won’t abort and a fetus wants a better life? With a little bit of gumption and a whole lotta courage, that fetus takes charge of their destiny and by golly why shouldn’t they? After all, isn’t that what life is all about!

I’ve traveled all over the great US of A in search of miscarried kids, in every nook and cranny of our beloved country. Happy Camp, California, Cummaquid, Massachusetts, Fertile, Minnesota, Lesbia, New Mexico, and countless other stops along the way brimming with folks who have good old fashioned American values.

Before I took this road trip, I assumed breaking bread with a miscarried kid would be easy. I quickly learned, like every other kid, these miscarried kids want to move forward, not backwards. Recalling the memories of being inside an oppressive womb with little promise of a future wasn’t an easy thing to discuss. But, ask them about the choice they made and their future, and wow, do they light up like the 4th of July.

In this first installment, we caught up with a most beguiling miscarried kid from Burning Bush, Georgia, at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. After a few cups of coffee and a plate of glazed doughnut holes, we were fast friends. Here’s an excerpt of our conversation.

Katie: Thanks so much for meeting me today, miscarried kid. Miscarried Kid: Oh, it’s cool. Katie: How’s life treating you? Miscarried Kid: Pretty good now. (Pause) Miscarried Kid: You want to know why, right? I mean, that is why you’re here, isn’t it? Katie: I wasn’t going to lie to Miscarried Kid and insult MK’s intelligence, so I said, It is. Miscarried Kid: My previous almost z-ma dragged me to church for show and tell every Sunday and spent numerous hours detailing what she had in store for me. Had she not done that, I probably wouldn’t be a miscarried kid today. I guess in a way she did me a favor.

I kept hearing about this army I had already been inducted into and this arrow I was destined to become and quite honestly, it was all way too much. I felt like I was living in a pressure cooker. I got so depressed, I was popping 10 mg's of Xanex every few hours. I was trying to communicate my frustration with my previous z-ma by giving her chronic heartburn, but she just didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t care about me, my needs, my hopes, my dreams, none of it. All she cared about was this grand plan she had for me.

I knew I had to take matters into my own hands, so I did. One afternoon during a post church luncheon, I put on my i-pod, and jammed to, Gonna Fly Now, the theme song to Rocky and tear assed outta that fuckin’ womb. I was unstoppable, dude, a refugee on the run! And, Katie, I never looked back.--

It’s inspired, isn’t it? It brought a tear to my eye and joy to my heart. Munching on that doughnut with an ear to ear grin, Miscarried Kid was radiant, free from the burden of a hopeless future.

The next time you run into a Christian miscarried kid, introduce yourself, and take a minute to say, hi. How are you? Are you having a good day? You won’t regret it!

Update: Miscarried Kid moved into the womb of a Jewish Puerto Rican Lesbian. She and her wife, an Italian Catholic, live in Anchorage, Alaska, and MK is over the moon.

are you hungry for a how to guide to becoming a god fearing, career-less woman? do you want to learn how to be ruled by a man? does the idea of a woman becoming president of the united states sicken you? if you answered yes to all of the above questions, by golly this is the read for you!

the article is wrong on every level, but what offended me the most was this:

There are now millions of these strong, independent, God fearing women in the United States. They ask nothing of government, but to be left alone.

really? ya don't say. these z-peens and z-vees spend millions of dollars lobbying to impose more government regulations and restrictions then any other group. if they really wanted the government to leave their z-asses alone, they would stop imposing god's law on state law.

I never sent out a memo to any of these broads saying, omg, you like so have to come with me to planned parenthood tomorrow!we can get back-to-back abortions and go out for ice cream afterwards. how much fun would that be?! I also didn't invite them to my bff's gay wedding, but that's only because I was worried the grooms would be out shined by a born again sporting a king's daughter frock.

"I am not going to come out and condemn or condone any clothing in particular in this article. I don’t feel that God has called me to do that. Rather, I challenge you to question yourself, "Is the way that I am dressing in accordance with the Biblical mandate that women are to be adorned in modest apparel?"

it's good to know that meaty lips flappin' in the wind isn't out, and even more comforting that the author won't condemn my choice. after all, it is quite possible that is what I think jesus wants to see me in. in my mind, he regards that as modest and demure. hello. after saving a hooker, he kept on churnin' em' out (hookers at the point), and, hi, loin cloth. I rest my case.

after tooling around z-world for quite some time, I found... drum roll, please, modest clothing links. bubs, I can hear you snickering awwwwl the way ova hea. calm yourself clown boy.

ps: you won't find many with a splash of color on these sites. out of the half dozen I hit, one site had a few non-white models. the majority are filled with super whites. topping my must visit list is, the king's daughters. if the below photos don't look like drag queens in the making to you, somebody please point me in the direction of a few who do. these are "girls", right? (you know which ones I'm talking about)

some of these outfits aren't modest, they're just plum vile. please tell me what is hot about a skort. you know, shorts built into the skirt. check out this dowdy number, an edwardian hand sewn apron. if that doesn't give him wood, I don't know what will! my credit card is burnin' up for these matronly frocks at simply modest. I've always wanted to be a handmaiden and now I can!

don't forget to check out undergarments. WOW. talk about hot! need a bra? how about a swim suit? as a single dame, I'm sure when I get felt up or fingered, (provided he can find my flange), he's definitely coming back for more.

oy-vey...

ps: for those of you who think I'm going to hell. I'm a jew. we don't do hell.

Monday, April 16, 2007

over the past few days, I have been given several christian gifts from my darlings crionaberry and doc. I'll be sharing this week, I'm not selfish.

today, we're dishing delicious doc's gift and oh what a gift it is...

the marriage bed: sex and intimacy for married christians. no, that's not an oxymoron.

doc told me to hit the kinky boards and I am super glad I did.

masturbation (mb) leads to lesbianism / homosexuality

love a good stretch, and that masturbation is so wrong, it's best "acronymd" to mb.

This was really interesting...

I was talking with DW on the phone during lunch today and she told me about a co-worker who had a special speaker for youth ministry at their church who taught...

1. Since MB is self-love, with the same sex, and since the definition of homosexual/lesbian (according to the definition she found/is using) is "one who services the needs of the same sex" - THEN MB is the same as homosexual/lesbian sex.

2. MB in general, leaves one open to the prospect of Homosexual/Lesbian behavior/thoughts/encounters, etc... (In other words, is like an "open door" into the Homosexual/Lesbian lifestyle.) WOW!

But then there is all this other stuff going on -- which is wilder, which is bristling; it's juicier, it's everything that you would want. And it's not comfortable. That's the kind of poetry that interests me -- a field of energy. It's intellectual and moral and political and sexual and sensual -- all of that fermenting together. It can speak to people who have themselves felt like monsters and say: you are not alone, this is not monstrous. It can disturb and enrapture.

In the Jewish tradition, we are commanded to remember (zachor) and not to forget (lo tishkach)

On April 15, we commemorate Yom HaShoah, the Day of Holocaust Remembrance.

On this solemn occasion, 62 years after the end of World War II, we remember.

We remember the six million Jewish martyrs, including 1.5 million children, who were exterminated in the Holocaust.

We remember the entirely new alphabet created by the Nazis for the Final Solution -- from the letter "A" for Auschwitz to the letter "Z" for Zyklon-B.

We remember not only the tragic deaths of the six million Jews, but also their vibrant lives -- as shopkeepers and craftsmen, scientists and authors, teachers and students, parents and children, husbands and wives.

We remember the richly hued and ancient Jewish civilizations that were destroyed -- from Salonika, Greece to Vilna, Lithuania.

We remember the slippery slope that began with the rantings of an obscure Austrian-born anti-Semite named Adolf Hitler and led, in the course of less than 15 years, to his absolute control over Germany.

We remember the fertile soil of European anti-Semitism -- cultivated over centuries by cultural, political, and religious voices -- that created an all-too-receptive climate for the Nazi objective of eliminating the Jewish people.

We remember the courage of Denmark, as well as Albania, Bulgaria, and Finland, for their extraordinary efforts to protect their own Jewish communities.

We remember the courage of thousands of Righteous Persons -- whom we call, in Hebrew, hasidei umot ha'olam -- who risked their own lives that others might live.

We remember the millions of non-Jews -- Poles and Russians, Roma and the disabled, political opponents and homosexuals -- murdered under the relentless Nazi onslaught.

We remember the valiant soldiers of the Allied nations who, at such great human cost, vanquished the Third Reich.

We remember the survivors of the death camps, who endured such unimaginable suffering and who have inspired us all with their indomitable courage, spirit, and will to live.

We remember the absence of an Israel in those war-time years, an Israel which, had it existed, would have provided a haven when so shamefully few countries were willing to accept Jewish refugees.

We shall never forget those who perished.

We shall never forget those who saved even a single life. As it is written in the Talmud: "He who saves one life has saved the world."

We shall never forget the importance of speaking out against intolerance, whenever and wherever it occurs.

We shall never forget the inextricable link among democracy, the rule of law, and protection of human rights.

We shall never forget the age-old prophetic vision of a world of justice, harmony, and peace.

And we shall never forget that each of us, in ways large and small, can help bring us closer to the realization of that prophetic vision.

it's 2:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I'm having some wicked ass insomnia. oompha. argh. hopefully I will fall asleep soon. I have such a busy sunday, too. no, I'm not going to a tent revival. I wasn't invited. mother fuckers. whatever happened to goodwill towards womankind?!

speaking of zealots, I hit leewee's site today and found a re-post of a journal entry, circa 2005. haven's b-day, a modest proposal. it's a must read especially for parents or parents to be who want to encourage their daughters to look like hedonistic whores. it sooo makes me want to adopt a troubled teen I can exploit. should I go homeless or foreign? oy, such decisions.

is anyone else worried by cbs's decision to fire imus or am I alone on that one?

before you rip my head off and skull fuck me, let me explain. we all agree, the man is an asshole, an anti-semetic, racist, homophobic prick. he's vile. what he said about the rutgers team is so disgusting, it's unconscionable. the team and their coach handled it with such dignity and grace.

that said... I am deeply concerned about the repercussions this will have on freedom of speech in this country. imus has said worse and not been fired for it. look at his buddies, smell gibson, anne cunt coulter and michael richards. they've also said equally intolerable things about homosexsssuals, jews and blacks, yet they still have jobs.

I'm tellin' you, imus being fired is like janet's tit. it's open season again on freedom of speech. the censorship hunters are locked and loaded, baby. we are f u c k e d.

UPDATES THROUGHOUT THE DAY

lewchers sent a link to kung fu monkey's thoughts on imus's comment and subsequent dismissal. it's great food for thought. some points I agree with, some not so much. definitely worth the read!

bff-cp just left a must read comment, too. more food for thought. I love these conversations! dive in, please.

Next, the freedom of speech issue can be a tricky one. I definitely see your point. However, the way I see it, this is not an issue of free speech; it's an issue of capitalism, pure and simple. CBS and MSNBC deciding to fire him is based purely on economics.

Imus spoke. Those who didn't like what he said spoke up too. (Let us not forget the crucial importance of freedom of speech for those who are against Imus!) Imus's employers decided in the end that they would rather risk alienating Imus's supporters than his opponents. If they continue to employ Imus, there are many people and sponsors who are going to be less than happy, resulting in less than millions of dollars in revenue.

I don't see this as having a chilling effect on free speech. The danger with curbing free speech is really only relevant when the government is trying to downright outlaw speech. If anything, I see this Imus episode as a good example of how free speech is alive and well in our culture. Imus is still free to say whatever he wants - no one is suggesting he go to jail or anything. Yet, just because he is free to make these kinds of remarks, that does not mean the rest of us have to take it in silence. And it certainly does not mean that his employers have to continue to pay him to say the kinds of things he does.

The right wing in this country has done a very good job of convincing the populace that when the left speaks out, they are trying to destroy freedom of speech. They've done a good job of convincing us that when downtrodden people stand up and scream "QUIT STEPPING ON ME!" that they are doing themselves, and everyone else, a disservice. Devious, if you ask me.

(I hope you asked me?) :o)

Your BFF,CP"

I had not thought about this from an economics perspective. that's a great point. two questions for you cp. others who enjoy the same stature who have said similar hateful, vile, unforgivable things have not been fired, much less suffered a financial hardship. why do you think that is?

second question. why don't you think this will have an impact on freedom of speech? don't you think this opens the door even wider for the fcc to step in and define what's appropriate and not appropriate?

rye rye from earth observation, better known as fifth dimension daddy of doom dishes up his thoughts:

"I hear your concern and I share it only to the extent that I'm paranoid in this age we live in about the increasing infringements of rights.

But Imus and anyone who is on corporate radio or television is engaged in commercial speech, and thus whatever serves the corporation or is perceived to serve the corporation goes. I know the argument that it's the public airwaves, but that horse left the barn even before Reagan deregulated the spectrum and permitted nearly unlimited ownership of stations.

So someone who says despicable shit on a commercially sponsored show that goes beyond his employer's understanding of what is tolerable... I don't have a problem with the firing. And if Imus wants to be heard again someone will hire him. Even the Greaseman is working again."

but, rye-rye, doesn't that argument support the government in censoring speech and defining what's appropriate and not appropriate?

"Oh, uh, I get it - the updates are on the actual post and not in the comments! :)

Your first question:

I had not thought about this from an economics perspective. that's a great point. two questions for you cp. others who enjoy the same stature who have said similar hateful, vile, unforgivable things have not been fired, much less suffered a financial hardship. why do you think that is?

Good question. If you're referring to Mel Gibson & Michael Richards, I don't know if they are or were actually working for anyone who could fire them. Mel is self employed and Michael is, I think, freelancing.

In any event, in my view the decision to fire someone is in the hands of the employer. If that employer cares at all about public opinion, they have the choice to listen to those opinions and then make a decision. It's up to the network to decide what kinds of messages they want going out from their station - and no one but them has the right to make that decision. Again, we can (and should) tell them all we want about what we think of their programming. But the decision should be theirs and theirs alone and, in my opinion, should have nothing to do with the First Amendment. A radio network is not the government.

Your second question:

Why don't you think this will have an impact on freedom of speech? don't you think this opens the door even wider for the fcc to step in and define what's appropriate and not appropriate?

I don't think that people getting upset about Imus and expressing it in all sorts of ways has a chilling effect on free speech because this entire interaction IS free speech. Imus spoke, and others are speaking out against him. "I think you should fire that bastard!" is a perfectly acceptable opinion for these people to express. The network, to my knowledge, did not fire him because they fear some sort of government reprisal. They fired him because they see that a large portion of the public is pissed off and are going to choose NOT to listen to their station any more if Imus stays. Economics, pure and simple.

It's a complex question as to "why won't this have an effect on free speech?" I'm not sure what the question implies. Does it imply we should not speak out against those we disagree with? Does it imply that if many people are upset about a certain program that is on the air, the airers shouldn't be allowed to take public opinion into consideration?

Or, should concerns that the FCC or another government agency might step in and start quashing free speech control our very freedom to speak the speech in the first place? If so, haven't we already lost the game, then?

As I told you over email, I would indeed be VERY concerned if the GOVERNMENT wanted to get heavily involved in things like this because, as I said, First Amendment (free speech) concerns are a function of government action. The First Amendment protects our speech vis a vis the government's ability to regulate it. The First Amendment has nothing - and should have nothing - to do with decisions an employer makes regarding firing an employee.

Why am I not afraid that hearing all this ballyhoo, the FCC might step in and say "ok everyone, we see a lot of consternation here. Therefore, from this day forward, we're adding the following 10 words to the forbidden list....?" Probably because this entire episode, this entire debate goes to the heart of the democratic process. In a democratic society, people have the right to petition the government to do whatever they want. And others have the right to petition the government to stay out of it.

Sure, your opinion may be that "hey, if we make too much noise about this, we might incite the government to step in and start regulating us more." And that's a perfectly valid opinion. But as I said before, I think that if we quash our own speech for fear the government may quash it for us, we've already lost. Besides, I guess it's not personally a fear of mine. People scream and yell all the time without the government doing anything."

I am running out the door, but will be back to share my thoughts (eh, who cahes, schwartzy). in the meantime, check out mount joy's comments, please!

"Does sacking Imus solve the problem? Just because no one is allowed to say "nappy haired hoe" does that mean people are no longer thinking it? I've always felt that freedom of speech is its own leveller - and I guess Imus' fate is living proof. But I fear that this case may be a wedge for every minority and splinter group that has ever existed to now cry foul every time they are defamed... Should we be able decide right or wrong on our own?

We have a broadcaster in Sydney who has just had his knuckles rapped (and that is all) for all but inviting a bunch of thugs to join in on some Muslim bashing a little over a year ago ~ yet the guy still has the support of our Prime Minister."

A couple of things: it's ironic that a network hires a "shock jock" knowing what his shtick is, and then ultimately fires him for doing his shtick.Here's the ultimate lesson: if you're a washed up old white guy without much of an audience, you'll be terminated for spouting offensive racist bullshit. If you're a white guy with a 15 million + audience and millions of dollars in ad revenue (Rush Limbaugh) you're safe. Likewise, if you're a multi-million dollar black entertainer like (insert name of favorite hip-hop artist here)."

...doesn't that argument support the government in censoring speech and defining what's appropriate and not appropriate?

"I don't think so in this case, because I really don't believe there was a threat of FCC action here. If they came after CBS for this, they'd have to first come after every hip-hop station on the dial. I think this was, for better or worse, the marketplace speaking. And what's interesting is that the fleeing advertisers were not responsing to a truly well-organizaed campaign a la Donald Wildmon.

As a former broadcaster, I believe this was the right decision for MSNBC, because a show such as Imus should never have been part of the offerings of the NBC news division, and an overreaction by advertisers and CBS.

The crux of the whole thing was that Imus had a hybrid of a show that didn't really work. I think the majority of his audience was like me: admired the intelligent newsmaker interviews, thought the scripted bits were often funny and incisive -- though sometimes offensive -- and thought the banter, which is where this comment came, was boring and insipid. And I never understood why he thought Delbert McClinton was the greatest musical artist of the day.

But I would say -- and this comes from someone who was a Jesse Jackson delegate to my state convention in 1988, and who applauded Sharpton's speech at the 2004 convention -- they have some "stones" for guys living in glass houses. Remember Hymietown? At least Jesse apologized for that one. Sharpton has never apologized for his role in the tawana Brawley case, which made the recent Duke fiasco seem like a Sunday walk in the park.

I put a comment on Al Roker's blog that said it is really up to the African-American leaders in this country to attack the misogyny of hip-hop, and to realize that when in those recordings they talk of hos, bitches and niggas they are not speaking amongst themselves, but teaching a generation of not only young blacks but white suburban kids that this talk is acceptable.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

I hate birds. I'm not talking about just any bird, I'm talking about the 24/7, wildly inappropriate chirping nutbag bird. this variety of bird seems indigenous to los angeles. I don't recall this level of chirp action anywhere else in california, the u.s. or the world.

the incessant chirp klatch comes in a variety of annoying tones. there's the steady hock, a captivating, long drawn out hand-vac harmony. the initiator has to be a jewish mother. because you can actually hear the guilt being sucked right out of the chirpettes that follow.

my favorite is the fighting chirp. a harmonizing, balking, crow-esq sound pulsating from the beaks of a dozen half pint patty’s. they chirp with a vengeful purpose. what I can’t figure out is what they have to be so pissed off about. they spend their days flying around, digging up worms, shitting on people and chirping themselves into a god damned frenzy. fuckin’ relax or piss your big bird fun away by flying into some shiny glass window and calling it a day.

the final chirp that sends me deranged is the don’t be stealin’ my man, bitch, or I will chirp your sorry ass right outta this fuckin’ nest. this is a cacophony of short, violent bursts coming from the mouths of unhinged beaks. It’s always in the middle of the night when papa bird gets home from cattin’ around under the guise of “worm” hunting with the fellahs I’m sure.

who knew birds came from such misogynistic loins. It’s so obvious this is a sexist culture. someone needs to gather these she-birds and expose them to a healthy dose of feminism. they need to know there’s more to life then schlepping all over town for nest worthy wood, taking care of their men and the fruit of their loins.

I am available to be your helper. I can be your assistant in any household chores you may need. I can clean, polish, scrub, vaccum any room inside your home, apartment or condo. I also can do yardwork, moving and some fixing.

In addition, I can also wash your cars and do some assistant officework such as paperwork, organizing, answering phone calls, taking down messsages etc. I can also do errands for you, drive to get some things or pick up whatever you need.

All my services are FREE! Just e-mail me.

I'm a nice guy, clean, honest, and respectful. 5'5 30/m All I ask is a little tease from you while I release myself. Just a pose in your underwear that's it. No sex or touching involved, I want to be safe also. I know that this is an unusual deal but I'm totally normal but a little shy. One time, short or long term available : )

I e-stalked him and asked, are fat chicks eligible? I'll keep you looped...

Monday, April 09, 2007

I can't help myself, I simply must jump on the musty can beaver (misty anne weaver) bandwagon. the crux of the issue, Weaver wanted to cover up the fact that she had failed to complete paperwork for an important audit for Capriotti (her boss).

it's quite tragic, three lives were lost and a building was burned. it's horrible. and hysterical. no, I'm not the anti-christ.

I don't know how many of you have been keeping score, but from what I've seen nobody really gives a shit anymore. the majority of people that I run into are totally in it for themselves with little or no regard for anyone else. I find myself asking why.

when I think about all of the customer service reps (cable, phone, gas company, electricity, etc.), I deal with and how nonexistent and rude service has become, it pisses me off. but, then I ask myself, why should they give a shit? there is no such thing as job security anymore. everyone is expendable regardless of your title, and bosses drive that point right into the fucking ground. insurance has become a perk. what vacation? sick days? not if you want to come back to a job. salaries have radically dropped and people are MISERABLE.

don't you wonder what was going on in musty's mind that actually made her snap think, if I start a fire, it won't even matter that I didn't finish his paperwork because he'll be way more concerned about his office being on fire. what kind of a boss was this guy? I'm not blaming him, but you gotta wonder what kind of a cock suckin' prick he must've been for this broad to go THAT FAR.

who sets fire to a building to get out of a deadline?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! WHO DOES THAT?!

I have had a truly white trash day. no. seriously. you see, there are oversights that are tolerable, excusable even, and a handful that I have deemed unacceptable for me and me alone. I am sure you all can relate to those few things that simply can't happen under your watchful eye. right?

so, my white trash day. I was working from home and in the zone, when, POOF the lights went out. gee, that's odd. I ran into the hallway and knocked on a few neighbor's doors. do you have power? why yes, fehatty, we do. ok, snatcharella, no need to lord your happy-power-suckage over me. gaaaaaaaaaaaahd.

I called the power company. there was a massive wait due to high call volume. I could rest easy, obviously my power wasn't turned off. whatever, trasharella, you know where this is going and I know where this is going. it's far too depressing.

at the risk of sounding annoyingly cliche, fat ass forgot to pay her fucking bill so they temporarily interrupted her service.

note: I find third person always helps to reduce the shame. I paid it and set up auto-withdrawl so this will never happen again.

one of my favorite bloggers, chaylene of better living through bacon(who was supposed to be in my fucking blogroll. argh), e-stalked me the most fuck off fabulous video to date, jesus christ the musical. fan-fucking-tastic. chayleneish, you are a goddess. THANK YOU!!!

tomorrow is a big goy day! happyeaster my non-jewish love muffins. after the lashings, running, stabbing and hanging jesus went through, oy, to schlep back three days later unscathed. you gotta give it up to the boy.

ps: he certainly does look provocative in a loin cloth.

all jokes aside, have a glorious easter! happyegghunting and noshing.xo

"Biblical womanhood is not a "white thing." When we get letters that claim this, we can only shake our heads. Scripture clearly teaches we are all of "one blood"--the only race is the human race (Acts 17:26). To say emulating the godly standards of Scripture is "white" is insulting to people of all colors. You are not a better Christian if you are white. To believe so is to deny our common heritage in Eden. LAF has black, hispanic, and oriental writers, but we don't screen people for skin color or keep a quota system. We're all sisters."

I cruised the whole site and out of a gazillion super white ladies, I saw two shvatsah dames and one beige broad. this is their splash of color? their commitment to sisters?

So many women today were not taught how to run a household efficiently while in the care of their mothers. God gives guidelines for how a virtuous woman lives. Proverbs 31 is an empowering look at the role of women. Not only is a virtuous woman righteous in the Lord, but she is a loving wife and mother, a smart shopper, a seamstress, a gardener, a good housekeeper, and trains her children with wisdom. Her husband appreciates her and can praise her to his associates and friends because she is worthy of praise. Is this attainable for the average Christian woman? Absolutely! All things are possible through Christ. With prayer and study and a little know-how, we can all be "Proverbs 31 women."

oh, in that case, sign me up! so much for hopes, dreams, goals and PASSION. how can those qualities NOT be virtuous? that's the embodiment of striving for excellence.

Friday, April 06, 2007

the goddess that is elaine soloway will be reading one of her fabulous essays, passover aggressive at the uptown writer's space on saturday night at 7:30. if you live in chicago or will be anywhere near chicago, go! you're in for a real treat.

About Jewgirl

Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer and non-fiction essayist, among other literary loves. She is a contributing writer for Zouch Magazine and Mock Paper Scissors. To read more, hit http://katieschwartz.com/bio