I’ve decided that my favorite part of writing these Cougar Town quotes articles is that when I sit down with my laptop and start the show I’m giddy with anticipation on what completely insane things these characters will utter that will make me pause and document it for our site. This week’s episode, “A One Story Town,” did not disappoint.

Ellie: Gulfhaven has a crab festival every year and for some reason it attracts tons of tourists from Quebec.
Jules: It’s just one of those unexplainable things, you know, like magnets… volcanoes…
Travis: Those are actually explainable

Every time Jules says something completely stupid like that my heart soars. I don’t know why. I value education and was a huge nerd in school. Yet her stupidity matched with Travis’s complete horror/sadness at his mother’s inability to know basic facts brings me unspeakable joy. It’s just one of those unexplainable things like, you know… oh never mind.

Laurie: I love spicy food so hard. I think it’s because my mom gave birth to me after a night of pounding bloody mary’s at a White Snake concert. I was a jacuzzi baby. Born and conceived in one!

Because who doesn’t love a good Laurie back story? And that one was a doozy.

Jules [to Ted and his group]: Peons upstairs! And stay out of my bedroom!
Jules [to Ellie]: I caught one of them smelling my toothbrush.
Ellie: I’m sure that’s all he did.

Ewwwwwwww. It was too gross not to include. Also: ewwwwwww.

Angie: Bobby, I don’t understand why you took your shirt off.
Bobby: You can’t break up a fight with your shirt on. I mean haven’t you ever seen Road House? I don’t want to call you a dummy, but daaaamn.

Several reasons I picked this quote. First of all – a Road House shout out? Yes, please and thank you. So yeah, she is kind of a dummy because if that movie made one thing clear it’s that you don’t break up a fight unless you are shirtless. But also, why is she questioning him taking his shirt off. Seriously woman!

Tshirt: I got crabs in Gulfhaven.

That shirt is the greatest. And I would laugh every time too, just like Bobby and Jules. In related news, I often have the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy.

Bobby [after kissing Angie]: That was fun. Wanna do it again?
This was the same line he used on Jules, and she told him to use it again. It is possibly the cheesiest line to use after a first kiss. Of course, I’m in love with it.

Angie: Why are you freaking out, sweetie?
Tom: Hey, big guy!
Ted: This is weird, man. Everyone here looks like someone from my old job. [to Angie] Old you was nice to me. [to Ellie] Old you hated me.
Ellie: I kinda feel the same way now.
Ted: That’s exactly what old you would say!
Angie: [blows hair our of her face]
Ted: That’s exactly what old you would do!
Chick: Anyone seen Junebug?
Ted: [freaking out] Oh dear God in Heaven! [runs into a door and falls to the ground]
Zach Braff/Pizza Guy: Hey man, who ordered a pizza? Why are you so sweaty?
Todd: You alright five? [high fives with Ted, then snaps] From the big dog!

Yes. This scene was so full of win I can’t express it within two separate articles. I just…. I may weep in happiness. Love love love. Thank you, Bill Lawrence. Thank you.