And what color are YOUR gloves?

Ellsbury is significant- and not just because he is the ONLY RED SOX TO REMEMBER HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL IN SEPTEMBER (I’m okay. I’m getting over it. Really, I am. I’m okay)…

It’s because our outfielders are notoriously not golden. Ellsbury is the first Sox outfielder to Gold Glove it up since Ellis Burks in 1990. Ah… 1990. When I was six-years-old and addicted to popsicles. I could use a popsicle right now. Remember the chocolate ice cream bars with the cookie crumby crust? Those were the best. The six-year-old me may have been slightly chubby… but damnit… she was happy.

I’m proud of our boys, who are (I’m sure) at this very moment strapped to chairs Clockwork Orange style, being forced to watch every moment of failure through the entire season…. because only making them watch September wouldn’t be as effective and wouldn’t last as long. I have no doubts that Ben Cherington is doing this for us because he loves us and wants us to be happy.

Great minds think alike, see. Because, over the past few weeks, I too have been thinking about clever punishments for the Sox. In no particular order- some of what I have come up with (the G-rated).

Ben Cherington, feel free to use any of these suggestions. You don’t even have to give me credit:

1. Locking them in an I-Max Theater and making them watch extended commentaries on every game they lost this season. From everyone at ESPN. And then bring in Jerry Remy for a “discussion” and health seminar.

2. Locking them in the dugout sans six pack with Dr. Phil for some “group time.”

3. Forcing them to do a dangers-of-fried-foods psa with Jim Henson muppets and deliver it personally to urban elementary schools. With actual, live children.

4. Make them each write 1,500 word essays on what they did wrong, present power point presentations, and then send me a creative “I’m sorry” card made out of construction paper.

6. Make each one of them do suicide sprints in Fenway Park with a post-op John Lackey strapped to their backs.

7. They like chicken? Fine. Make them eat ten truck fulls of chicken in one sitting- Miss Trunchbull style.

8. Make them hang out with Bud Selig. SANS ALCOHOL.

9. Assign them each a confused Sox-era kid. Have them explain exactly what went wrong. TO CHILDREN. If the child cries, YOU HAVE TO START OVER.

10. Make them all watch the movie Secretariat. On repeat.

11. Hire Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum to force them to make outfits out of chicken boxes, wear them on a runway, and then submit themselves for public humiliation, Project Runway style.

12. Host a Nicholas Cage movie marathon so that they can see what a LIFETIME of failure REALLY LOOKS LIKE.

13. Force everyone (except Jacoby Ellsbury) to play an entire high stakes baseball game ALL BY THEMSELVES so that they know how Jacoby felt.

And Mike Quade is OUT of the Cubs organization. Just speculation… but could this mean Tito could expect a phone call? You know, Theo in a gruff voice saying, “Man, I’m trying to get the band back together again…”