Friday, 31 January 2003

Jebus, I mentioned Oakland trailer-trash Bubb Rubb once and, thanks to a truckload of search requests, discover he's some kind of hardcore hero to thousands of bumpkins around the world. For what? Who knows.

So far i've had

* Bubb Rubb famous* Bubb Rubb pictures* Bubb Rubb fan club (!)

and about 50 others.

Do we really want to associate ourselves with a country who hold a man in high society just because he has a silly name and can make his car go very loudly? I think not.

"NZ boycott Kenya match". Those weak bastards owe me the money I put on them to win the tournament. Britain has had more terror attacks in the last 10 years than Kenya and i'm sure they wouldn't chicken out of playing there. They can't even take the pissy Australian/English defence of not liking the government, after all Kenya just elected it's first democratic PM for many years. As if terrorists wouldn't just travel to South Africa to attack the World Cup if they really wanted to.

No team with that little testicular fortitude could possibly win such a gruelling tournament, South Africa are going to romp it in.

(Insert your own flawless transitional sentance here)

Technology related question - If AOL folds, what ISP will the 13-year-old "I WILL BE HAX0RING YOUR PUteR!?!11?" faction of the internet use instead?

Thursday, 30 January 2003

With just six rounds left before the new league-style finals series kicks off, jockeying for positions in the top 6 is reaching fever pitch despite almost universal apathy from the Australian sporting public.

Three games kick off the round on Friday night. Wollongong and Sydney United will both be heartened by taking a point from top 3 sides last week, but the Wolves had only themselves to blame as several sitters were missed and should sneak through with maximum points at home this week.

Brisbane and Marconi conceded 12 goals between them last round, but the Strikers will bounce back here and win comfortably.

Rounding out Friday night Newcastle should be too good for Adelaide at Hindmarsh Stadium. The Force can't afford to drop this game if they want to stay in the thick of the finals hunt, but 'United' just look too good for them.

Saturday sees league leaders Perth hosting the Northern Spirit. The Glory only managed a draw against Sydney United last week, but obviously lacked some firepower as Bobby 'Not very popular with Croatians' Despotovski spent the entire game wondering when somebody was going to jump out of the 'audience' (all 1500 of them) and knife him. Glory by plenty.

Many times we see sides who sack their coach win the next week and then resume normal service. Melbourne Knights should buck the trend on Sunday afternoon against the Football Kingz in Sunshine. The Kingz form has been so bad recently it's hard to see them putting up any sort of fight but you can't rule them out.

On Sunday night Sydney Olympic play perhaps the only game that can guarantee them the crowds they deserve, the heated 'local' (read - Greek) derby against South Melbourne. Both sides have looked vulnerable in the past few weeks, so don't expect a repeat of the 6-4 epic they played out earlier in the season.

I can't find a link to it anywhere, but did anyone else see that story on the news about the dumbass who emailed a threat to poison Melbourne's water supplies to the Paranoia Hotline? His motivation was that he wanted stock prices manipulated. No word whether or not he was dumb enough to do it under his own name from his own house or office or if he actually made if difficult for ASIO to nick him.

I'm sure glad that so much of OUR money is being used to provide an outlet for the mad, sad and lonely to have a chat to/threaten somebody.

Meanwhile, could you remember the number to call them if you actually saw something suspicious? Of course not, you'd still call 000 like the rest of us. You can be sure though that every single crackpot in Australia has in the first auto-dial slot on their phone.

The quality of game shows is very poor these days. I suggest the following,

* Bring back It's A Knockout, with the original hosts and a suitable replacement for the sadly departed Ricky May.* The great Ian Turpie to host new versions of Supermarket Sweep, Press Your Luck and The Price Is Right. To be fair one can be given to each commercial network.* A ban on repeats of Richard Wilkins' Key Notes, Hot Streak, All-Star Celebrity Squares and the Shane Bourne (wanker) version of Blankety Blanks even at 4:30am.

That should just about fix things. Join the campaign NOW, write to your local MP and TV stations. DO IT!

I feel very old (at 21, work that out). Looking at this years Triple J Hottest 100 I realised that i've never heard half the songs, and at least a third of the artists are a mystery to me too.Of the 50% in there that I am familiar with I can't find one song I would actually vote for. By the biggest default in history I'd go for Eminem's "Without Me".

Also notable about the list is JJJ's devotion to not using capital letters wherever possible. Does that mean they're edgy, or just stupid? I demand a portion of my 12 cents a day be contributed to these uncouth youngsters going back to school.

I can't say the list has a great pedigree though. Previous winners include middle of the road whinge rock (cough, cough) like "Zombie" by the Cranberries, "Wonderwall" by Oasis, "My Happiness" by Powderfinger and Alex Lloyd's "Amazing" as well as pissy novelty songs like "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" - proof surely that the listeners are slightly less 'alternative' than the national broadcaster would have you believe.

Mind you, these are the people who once voted "Teardrops" by Womack and Womack as the 52nd greatest song of all time. You pretty much should have known then that it wasn't going to be the most definative list around.

Check out the past lists and play the "Who?" game. Everytime you spot somebody who has fallen off the face of the earth score 1 point. I'm up to 1991 and about 200 points (Ratcat? - Fuck off!)

Rumour has it that John Gatfield off Sky News reads blogs. If you're reading John i'd just like to warn you that I have a couple of friends who still want to fill you in for interrupting the English Premier League review with a 4:30am news bulletin a couple of years back. You have been warned.

Wednesday, 29 January 2003

As much as you want to take the woman who left her kiddies in the car the other day when it was 44degrees and bounce her head off the pavement a few times you've got to at least give her some credit for the incredible crime spree she managed to pull off on the day.

* Showed up at the shopping centre off her face on Cloud Valium, after popping 21 of them.* Parked in a disabled space.* Locked the kids in a boiling hot car.* Had a fight with somebody in the supermarket.* Got pinched trying to shoplift something.* Sped off at top speed afterwards.

That's six crimes, with varying degrees of moral outrage, in one morning. Now the kids have been given back to their alcoholic and registered Methadone addict father.

Channel 10 blunder watch. From now on, score one point everytime you spot a blatant error in their news.

Tonight's edition - Calling Chelsea's Eidur Gudjohnsen "Eddie".

Still, they will have to do better to beat the all-time Hall of Fame #1 blooper,

Reporting on Australia beating Poland in some shonky Field Hockey tournament somewhere, instead of showing the right footage (which I saw on Channel 9 earlier that day) they played footage of a Malaysian scoring against India - with the scoreboard in the corner proudly displaying the names of the two nations. Still referring to the footage as if they were watching Australia they showed an Asian man jumping up and down celebrating and waving his Malaysian flag with the accompanying voice-over "delighting Aussie fans in the audience".

The worst thing was that it made it onto the 11am news, 5pm news and Sports Tonight without anyone noticing.

Or the time they called the Upfield train line the "Upwey" line. Or (insert any of 300,000 different errors here)...

Absolutely clueless, they should hire me. Adam = Ratings.

PS - I am aware that if it turns out that Gudjohnsen is actually nicknamed "Eddie" then you have the right to rip the piss out of me at embarassing length.

* A standing ovation for Christopher Reeve in Sydney. A fitting tribute to a brave man, or just taking the piss?

* Somewhat 'disturbed' 16-year-old objects to the new school year and burns Glen Waverley College to the ground in protest, causing 20 million (!) dollars damage. Anyone who has seen the footage will sure agree that it looks more like he (allegedly) napalmed the place rather than just (allegedly) setting it on fire. Unbelievable damage. Screw sending him to prison, hand him over to the army instead. When the business of turning Iraq into a multi-level carpark begins it'll be these kind of people and their extraordinary talent for destruction that will really make a difference.

Tuesday, 28 January 2003

Remember the highly dubious decision by the head of NSW cricket to hand NSW's Brett Lee the man-of-the-match honors in Sydney, NSW a few weeks ago? Well, I do.

Obviously whoever votes for the Allan Border medal doesn't take massive bags of cash under the table from Indian bookies, because they made the right decision and awarded Adam Gilchrist the 3 votes. Thanks to that he justly won the One Day Player of the Year, pushing the Marketing Tool into a highly undeserved 2nd place. Live by fraud, die by fraud.

The only downside to the result is that it ruined a killer gag I had all set and ready to go in case he won it. You win some, you lose some.

Meanwhile, could this awards ceremony be any more boring? Thank god I was only watching it in the ads of something else or i'm sure I would have been crying out for death's loving touch after 10 minutes of filler interviews with Matthew Hayden.

I was also shattered that Chappelli didn't drop the F word in his Hall of Fame acceptance. Stopped watching it right there.

Hawthorn East* has really gone downhill in the last year. When I moved in three and a half years ago it was all very quiet and nice, now every yobbo and generally irritating person has moved in - most of them right outside my window.

I cannot take this much longer, being woken up at all sorts of strange hours by dogs barking and crap music. Some mornings it's like living in the fucking Metro there's so much techno in the air.

Despite all this I am a total hypocrite and would be happy to live next to a railway line if it was cheap. You can get used to trains though, I will never get used to the evil sound of that freaking dog barking it's head off every morning.

Compounding all this is the fact that I can't tell who the noises are coming from because there are three different backyards outside my window, unless of course it's the alcoholic perverts right outside, i'll be laughing when the terror hotline nicks them.

Respect to the poor person who missed the David Beckham rumors bandwagon by about two months and came here searching for answers last night. It's been so long I'd even forgotten what I was claiming he'd done. Let it go.

Monday, 27 January 2003

State of the Union address drinking game.

I have one suggested rule change for those of you wanting to play under the world famous "Supermercado System (TM)". When Bush mentions "National Sanctity of Life Day" throw your remote at the television, kick an inanimate object and storm out of the room.

The cheating Oakland Raiders finally got what they deserved as Tampa Bay recorded a mighty victory for the NFC. Of course, the game was nothing without the Atlanta Falcons, but i've pretty much got used to that by now.

Sadly both ESPN and SBS chose to take the "We think you're all stupid so we'll explain the game step by step" international feed of the game. So we were bombarded with pointless ads imploring us to visit NFLJapan.com and telling us about the upcoming NFL Europe season. Excitement with a capital E!

The game itself? Who cares? If you haven't already seen the game, or at least highlights, i'm sure you don't really need me to give you a detailed breakdown. Read those sorts of important details here.

For those of you who don't give a monkey's about football and want to hear the entertainment related news Sting's performance of "Message in a Bottle" was going fine until the bint from No Doubt showed up and ruined it as a duet. Also questionable was the choice of notorious French Canadian warbler Celine Dion to sing "America The Beautiful". 180 million people to choose from and they picked a foreigner to sing their backup national anthem. Way to try and get the Canadians to support the American war on everything, lucky it was Avril "F'ing" Lavigne or I would have walked out there and then and missed laughing at Oakland's legion of mutatated and clearly disturbed fans.

Roll on next season, let us face the Georgia Dome and pray for a Falcons championship.

Sunday, 26 January 2003

>From the "And THAT'S why you're out of a job department",

Melbourne Knights coach Andrew Marth told their frankly unpronounceable Uruguayan import Gustavo Biscayzacu that he wasn't good enough and sits him on the bench for half a season. Gustavo books the next available flight home, with time for just one more match.

Marth sacked midweek, Biscayzacu starts against the Brisbane Strikers and hits a hat-trick in the Knights 5-1 win. Go figure.

Meanwhile South Melbourne/Wollongong was a dire 0-0 draw tonight. Highlighted only by a massive ruck in the grandstand and a similar one on the pitch during the second half.

Saturday, 25 January 2003

Today's edition of the "What the heck have you been smoking?" files,

V-Day Spoof Asks How a Man's Life Might Be Better "If I Only Had a V"

An international team of men and women is staging a lyric-writing contest to satirize the growing campaign to convert Valentine's Day into V-Day. V-Day is the brainchild of Eve Ensler, author of "The Vagina Monologues." Accordingly, V stands for vagina. It also stands for violence -- but violence against women only. Violence committed by women gets no attention in V-Day events and literature, though it is a significant problem.

Since V-Day advocates want to replace Valentine hearts with V-Day vaginas, the satirical contest seeks entries entitled "If I Only Had a V" in parody of "If I Only Had a Heart," the Tin Man's song in the classic 1939 American movie "The Wizard of Oz." Women as well as men are invited to submit lyrics that speculate on how a man's life might be happier if he only had a vagina.

"The contest is intended as a light-hearted way to keep Valentine's Day healthy and balanced rather than turning it into an occasion for still more hostility against men."

These people really do appear to have too much time on their hands. Now if they were fronting a campaign to expose Valentine's Day as a massive corporate rort and encouraging people not to put comically bad messages referring to their significant other as "shmoopie" in the Herald-Sun on the 14th i'd be there with bells on.

Apparently this frankly stupid contest has something to do with awareness of domestic violence, but who's going to notice that when they're busy writing catchy tunes about a lady's nether regions?

Maybe it's all one huge zany American joke (there does seem to be a sarcastic - "we don't care about violence against men" tone to it) and I just don't get it?

Domestic violence is bad, very bad and obviously nobody in their right mind condones it. But these people are just dickheads. If you REALLY want to enter, visit their website here, then seek urgent psychological treatment.

Two feuding fraternities at San Jose State University faced off for a gang-style rumble in a park early Wednesday that left one student stabbed to death on his 23rd birthday and four others seriously wounded.

However, "it was Young Australian of the Year, tennis world number one, Lleyton Hewitt who drew the biggest applause at the awards ceremony at Melbourne's Princess theatre tonight." Which just goes to show they must have invited a bunch of teenyboppers to be in the audience. Only they could cheer louder for a petulant sportskiddy who stars in an awful toilet paper ad than a woman who was "recognised for her services to public health, specialising in researching childhood illness and birth defects."

Wankers. It's lucky the public don't pick this, or Brett Lee would have won.

Friday, 24 January 2003

Something Awful have a fine new idea for a video game. Designers take note, (especially of the exclusive screen shot which you can see to the right, for a change)

"The Princess is North" (Action / Adventure) - Oh no! The princess has been kidnapped by a convicted sexual offender and he has fled to the Kingdom of Molestor, a place which is north of your current location! Can you travel in a somewhat straight line to rescue the defenseless princess from Gaping Gary and his Handjob Henchmen? This game will challenge users to look at a compass and then direct their character in the direction of north (up). Occasionally there will be objects such as rocks and cactuses impeding your progress, but considering every button on the joystick makes your character jump really fucking high, they won't pose too much of a threat. The final boss encounter with Gaping Gary will require you to leap onto a button that reads "explode," causing Gary to explode. There is also a button labeled "make princess explode," but you shouldn't really jump on that unless you want the "bad ending" which is the game over screen flashing while the theme song from "The Benny Hill Show" plays on an infinte loop.

- Reese plumbing, featuring a man with a comb over and a woman in a bath becoming sexually excited over the VFA.

- Some rather skanky women getting excited over Max Spas (probably seen in Melbourne only)

- The car ad where the woman can't sing "Walk Like An Egyptian"

And I won't even count the plugging of Channel 9 and 7's new lineup by their sporting commentators.

There are so many other horrific ones going around that I can't handle watching commercial breaks anymore, and I usually sit through them like a trained monkey.

UPDATE - I can't believe I forgot that "Delfin Special Places" rubbish with the god awful theme tune and English bint saying "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriliant!". Again, this is one we only get it Melbourne so for the first time since Bracks was re-elected the rest of you should bow down to your respective god and give thanks that you don't live here.

As alluded to earlier I actually sat down and watched the majority of Police Academy 3 last night.

I finally got around to looking it up on IMDB to see how many of the cast managed to rescue their careers afterwards, and these are the sad tales I discovered.

TSP proudly presents Police Academy 3 - Where are they now?

Steve Guttenberg (Mahoney) 'starred' in another sequel, did Three Men and a Little Lady then fell off the face of the earth so violently that his last role was in the awesome sounding "PS. Your Cat Is Dead". Of course if you listened to the Simpsons you'd know that the Stonecutters were the only reason he was ever star anyway.

Bubba Smith (Hightower) showed up for two more sequels before appearing in such high quality drama as MacGyver and Family Matters, often as 'himself'.

David Graf (Tackleberry) died in 2001, so it would be nasty to comment any further than to say that despite having the worst character name in the history of cinema and actually making it through the entire series (including the shithouse Mission To Moscow) he made quite a career out of the films. As Tom Arnold in "Roseanne: The Unauthorised Biography" and "Alcoholic" in "Hijacked: Flight 285" he was just starting to get on a roll when his life was tragically cut short.

Michael Winslow (Jones) did about 300 appearances on "Hey Hey It's Saturday" and wins an award for not only appearing in all 7 movies but also the extremely short lived TV series. His major contribution to society has been funny voices.

Marion Ramsey (Hooks) appeared in 8 films during her career. Six of them were Police Academy movies. This was truly a career never destined to get going. She was also in an episode of the Nanny, which is a welcome addition on any acting resume.

Leslie Easterbrook (Callahan - and what a hillarious gag that is) came to the Academy series with impressive credentials. Appearing in such quality shows as "Trapper John MD", "The Love Boat", "Dukes of Hazzard" and "Matlock" it was only natural that she'd have a long and fruitful career ahead of her. Unfortunately it all went a bit haywire after the 7th movie and she ended up in the curiously titled project "F.A.R.T. the Movie". Also appeared in the Police Academy TV series, having ludicrously graduated to a District Attorney. I always thought she was attractive in a "oh god she's going to rip my head off and spit down the gaping hole" sort of way.

As for the rest of them the Commander dude was in Chicago Hope for a couple of seasons and Bobcat Goldthwaite broke the buzzer on a Sale of the Century celebrity challenge when he was hepped up on goofballs.

IMDB gives the film a 3.6/10, and believe me it was probably lucky to get that.

Thursday, 23 January 2003

After the cricket finished in a ludicrously short time Channel 9 took the amazing step of showing almost their entire lineup in the next four hours. God-awful lifestyle shows only watched by people from Toorak, Police Academy movies and second-rate Sci Fi. All they needed was an American cop show and it would have been the full house.

No, I did not sit there watching it all. Well, except for Police Academy 3 and I make no apologies for that. I actually sat through most of that film wondering what they were all doing now, then I lost the motivation to look it up and just decided they were all doing the theatre restaurant circuit.

If you said A you're the chairman of the NSW Cricket Board and you've just made the most corrupt cricketing decision since the Hansie Cronje era.

If I were one of the thousands of shady sub-continent types who bet on these games and had money on Gilchrist or Bichel for MOTM i'd be consulting my lawyer right now because this fix is, to put not too fine a point on it, a fucking outrage.

How would you publicise your company's list of the 10 most annoying spammers of 2002? If you answered "by spamming it to thousands of people" then you might qualify to work at Northern Californian pinheads Surfcontrol.

Turns out the methodology behind the "10 MOST ANNOYING SPAM IN 2002" wasn't measuring spam recipients' heart rate response or Tourette's-like outbursts when advertisements for barnyard whores maxed out their e-mail inboxes. Classic.

Read the whole article here.

And at the cricket England are being beaten like a red-headed stepchild. The Sri Lankans will be sitting around throwing things at their TV screens watching this performance. And yes, before you write in and sledge me, Brett Lee is actually bowling well for the first time in ages. But he still has nothing on the lord and saviour of Australian cricket Brad Williams. So there.

Students at a high school say they see nothing wrong with making drug-smoking paraphernalia in ceramics class and are upset a teacher has destroyed their work.

Elsewhere,

"Manchester station Key 103 ran the sweepstake on the day the convicted murderer (Myra Hindley) was given last rites in hospital. Listeners were invited to guess the time of her death, with the closest receiving UKP 500... "It captured something of the mood of the audience, providing our listeners with the opportunity to express their often very impassioned views about Miss Hindley."

And finally, today's #1 conspiracy theory, from those investigative geniuses at the Mirror.

When half a dozen witnesses to the crash of flight 93 in Pennsylvania on 9/11 reported seeing an unknown type of military aircraft stalking the jetliner, the Govt said it was a civilian Fairchild Falcon 20. But what about the sonic boom recorded at 9.22am by a USGS station near the crash site? And why would a one-ton section of the engine and other debris land up to 8 miles away from the impact site (with only a 10 mph breeze) if flight 93 hadn't been shot in the air? Can anyone say Aurora?

Wednesday, 22 January 2003

Great Speeches In ParliamentNumber 1: Harradine does Hardcore28th February, 1999

Senator Brian Greig (Democrats - WA)

"In what I hope was not another attempt to muddy and confuse this debate, Senator Harradine came into this place yesterday with a box of what appeared to be at least 20 videos. Unfortunately, the Senate has not had the opportunity to further investigate the contents of Senator Harradine's box.

I would, however, like to invite Senator Harradine to table those videos that he bought into the Senate, and I indicate that I would support him in doing so. I suggest that he should include with the videos a statement as to where they were purchased and whether they have been classified by the Office of Film and Literature Classification.

I and many other Australians would really like to know exactly how many adult videos Senator Harradine has. Where does he keep them? Are they in his electorate office or here in the parliamentary building? Where were they purchased and by whom?

These are legitimate questions I am asking Senator Harradine, because it was largely through his actions and on his assumptions that the course of this parliamentary debate was derailed"

Once Iraq's strongest critic, Ritter in recent years has come to regard America as "the arrogant international bully" - and never passes up a media opportunity to say so.

Last year, he took $400,000 from a Saddam sympathizer to make a tiresome "documentary" that opened to deservedly bad reviews.

But the ex-Marine is still one of the left-wing media's favorite talking heads and a star attraction at anti-war rallies - because his past weapons-inspector credentials supposedly legitimize his non-stop America-bashing.

Well, here's something Scott Ritter doesn't want to talk about - his arrest in upstate New York nearly two years ago on charges he got all hot and bothered online with a 14-year-old.

I love POE, headlines that the Chaser would be proud of attached to real stories. Genius.

Tuesday, 21 January 2003

I don't know what i've done in the last week but for the last few days i've been bombarded with "Thanks for signing up to our hot XXX emails" messages and have spent ages removing myself from these f'ing lists.

Now, i'm not much a conspiracy theory fan but every single one of these has my email address in block capital letters - a way I never write it anywhere. Surely the throwaway rubbish I write on here couldn't have offended anyone enough to make them sign me up to a truckload of questionable porn?

Anyway, to the mystery porn donor - whoever you are, thanks but i'm not really interested in meeting "local lesbians" (because they kind of, y'know, like women not men) or seeing horses used in a way that would make Bart Cummings shed a tear.

Monday, 20 January 2003

I've said previously, on more than one occasion, that i'll be supporting Namibia in the Cricket World Cup. After reading this I may as well go and live there, they are obviously a very sensible people.

"A lot of people have asked me how I'll deal with facing Brett Lee,"said Namibian skipper Deon Kotze. "I hope this doesn't sound arrogant but I'll try not to lose a lot of sleep. At the end of the day he is another man with the ball in his hand."

See? He doesn't even scare people who can't actually play cricket.

I'm sure the Namibian boys will do me (us? Join the crusade!) proud in South Africa.

And Australia? Adam 'god' Gilchrist can do whatever he likes and the rest of them (especially Darren Lehmann) can fuck off as far as i'm concerned.

And now the long awaited finale in our blockbusting countdown of the worst songs of the 20th century.

1. Mull of Kintyre - Paul McCartney and Wings

Possibly, no make that definately, pound-for-pound the worst song ever recorded. Any lesser singer would be excused for singing a jolly song about an island with gratuitous bagpipe action in the background but this was McCartney. The man who wrote some of the most classic popular music in history was reduced to dancing a sailors hornpipe to bagpipes and declaring his love for a dodgy archipelago.

Just look at the front cover, there he is posing with his wife (wonder how she got the job?) and some bloke with bad hair in front of a structure that may very well be Ayres Rock colored in with texta.

It never really got any better from there for him either. Now he's famous for chickening out of an Australian tour and marrying a woman with one leg.

The upside of it all is that it can be turned into "Mullet of Kintyre" with little effort and used for all occassions.

Even though most of the these are American only (really? It doesn't sound like them to do stupid things) I think a few of them would go down nicely here too.

Today is "Clear Off Your Desk Day" and tomorrow is "National Hugging Day". So if you're working late and read this why not find the cleaner and attempt to hug/him her across your desk and maximise your celebration opportunities?

It's also noteworthy that February is "National Boost Your Self-Esteem Month". So, get confident stupid!

A story that proves being an idiot in control of a football club is not the sole domain of Charles "f'ing" Koppell

FULHAM's millionaire chairman Mohamed Al-Fayed has told the English Premiership side's fans that his days of lavish spending on the London club are finished.

Egyptian Al-Fayed, who also owns the capital's Harrods department store, has angered Fulham supporters after admitting that he is considering selling Craven Cottage, the club's 107-year-old home to property developers.

The difference between Exhibit A and Exhibit B is, of course, that Al Fayed's money helped Fulham go from the bottom of the 3rd Division to the Premier League. Whereas Koppell came in with Wimbledon at their lowest point and raped the club financially and spiritually leaving behind a shell of a club that has so few fans it would struggle to survive in the Victorian Premier League, let alone the English 1st Division.

Of course Al Fayed expects that he should recieve loyalty and 100% support from the fans no matter what he does because without him they'd still be languishing at the foot of the league. Naturally the fans aren't buying it because it's exactly the same excuse that Sam Hammam used to flog off Wimbledon's Plough Lane to Safeway and move the Dons to Selhurst Park. More than 10 years later they're still there, waiting for permission to make their escape to the (alleged) promised land in Milton (spit) Keynes.

Fulham fans have seen what has happened to our club, and they don't want the same thing to happen to them. In 10 years they might be in the very same position Wimbledon fans found themselves in last year, with their club moving to another city (Brussels, Dublin, Belfast - the possibilities are endless) in order to 'keep it alive'. I'm sure most of them would rather go back to Craven Cottage and the third division than have their team ripped away by a crooked businessman and his shonky dealings.

Of course, this probably all comes as a mystery to most soccer 'fans' who didn't even know the club existed until it was promoted to the Premier League.

More than anything else people write in and ask me why I call myself Supermercado. So I present you this explanation I gave on a forum ages ago (30/9/02 to be precise, I love archives)

I saw a video clip once where all these idiots were rolling around in shopping trolleys, and they went past a huge sign that said "SUPERMERCADO". Maybe it was that the sign was in a hypnotic green color or something but it stuck.

Now I have 5000 Spanish people harassing me on Messenger and ICQ everyday asking me why i'm called "Supermarket". But it's the price I have to pay.

So, it's got nothing to do with the guy off Foxtel. That's just a mad coincidence that will probably end in legal action.

Incidentally, if anyone knows what that video was then please tell me. I want a screen-cap of the immortal moment when they go past the sign.

Chuck Berry recorded a shedload of good songs, none of them got to number one. He does a drunken, live rendition of a dirty ditty about his crotch and rings up the biggest commercial success of his career. Go figure.

To hardened viewers of the musical world it should pose no surprises, this was after all the man who was arrested for putting cameras in the women's toilet at his restaurant.

Sunday, 19 January 2003

Alright then, i'm (sort of) over my Bush rant and I had better shut up on the issue before the FBI/CIA/ASIO and MI5 are at my door. Well, at the door of the place i'm posting this from anyway, ha ha.

It's been a mixed night for sporting results, AFC Wimbledon are currently winning but South Melbourne lost in Perth earlier tonight.

Please tell me, though, that at least one of you Western blog type people were listening to 6PR's call of the game and subsequent talkback session. Because you would have heard a certain "Adam from Melbourne" ring up long-distance and give the pissweak commentary team (and especially their beloved leader) both barrels about their lack of objectivity and knowledge of the game. Here's a recap from one of the fine people at the Perth forum...

I heard it on the way home in the car. It was the very last call and I just about pissed myself. There's you saying how you'd tuned in because you thought it would be refreshing to hear the commentary in English instead of Greek, and I could sense George's head swelling at this point, only for you to tell him his call was utter crap and you'd be going back to the Greek version. He was totally caught out and went off his face, behind the scenes anyway. On the radio he abused the shit out of you but I was laughing so much I can't remember his words. Classic. Well done mate

Proud to be of service. This ranks alongside the time we called 3AW in the middle of the night and told them that we'd started our own pirate station and that 1278 was going to become an Industrial German Funk station at 6am that morning and when I went on talking about how much I hated Anna Kournikova and somebody yelled "She's a slut!" right into the telephone. They apparently don't turn the seven second delay on at that time of the morning, so you can go on and talk about any subject you like.

Feel free to call your favourite talkback provider (not Stan Zemanik anymore if you live in Melbourne thank god) and plug this site to them. I'll be forever greatful.

Saturday, 18 January 2003

George W Bush is a fuckhead,

In a move praised by conservatives and criticized by abortion rights activists, President Bush declared January 19 "National Sanctity of Human Life Day."

Tuesday's presidential proclamation was issued in advance of next week's 30th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision, which legalized abortion in the United States. Conservatives have sought for years to overturn that decision.

Bush, who has supported various abortion restrictions, called on all Americans on Sunday to "reaffirm the value of human life and renew our dedication to ensuring that every American has access to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

To quote some genius off Portal of Evil News - "I'm REALLY waiting for "bomb the fuck out of your third world ass" day"

Seriously, how much more of a hypocrite can you be? I'm not talking about some hokey war on Iraq here, but more blowing up Afghani type people in the middle of their wedding. It's shit like this that makes me HATE Bush and question just why Howard wants to have his head wedged up this idiots arse. Well, I suppose they do share some of the same idiotic and plain nasty views.*

Hopefully the Democrats will nominate a decent candidate and get this treeswinger out the White House.

There's a really pointless feature in the Herald-Sun today telling us what sports the top tennis players are REALLY suited to.

Silliness like Pete Sampras as an Australian Rules player, Juan Carlos Ferrero as a surfer and Anna Kournikova as a badminton player (I would suggest porn as being a more appropriate career path) is all eclipsed when they get down to Nicole Pratt

"Orienteering"

That's just taking the piss. Mind you, they give Venus Williams the tick of approval for Lacrosse when Rugby League might be more appropriate.

Slow news day? I think so. Or maybe I should read a decent paper instead...

Friday, 17 January 2003

Worst songs of all time...3. De Do Do Do De Da Da Da - The Police

There are a lot of songs that are difficult to understand. Usually this is because the performer is under the influence of every single drug known to the human race. This 'hit' was a rarity, though, in that it actually does not mean anything. You can't understand it because they're talking crap. A true gibberish classic.

The video, though, features the classic sight of Sting looking puzzled when he sings the frankly offensive line "Their logic ties you up and rapes you". You wrote it idiot, explain it to us not yourself.

Good, Mark "The Dud" Philapousis (misspelt? Who cares!) lost tonight on Centre Court to Sargis Sargisian of Armenia.

I think i'll go for him now (although I expect Little Leyton - Australian of the Year to win it), for three reasons

1 - He's from a country nobody associates with tennis2 - He beat that (expletive deleted) Philapousis3 - His country's flag (pictured left) has colors that remind me of a rather famous sporting institution (if you discount the big arse orange thing at the bottom as i'm choosing to do.)

As far as the women's draw goes I usually don't give a monkeys, but we'll follow tradition and go for the always delightful Patty Schnyder (page in German, but don't tell me you watch women's tennis for the sporting aspect) to roll right through new flavor-of-the-week Hantuchova, past manbeast Venus Williams and onto her first Grand Slam victory.

Of all the DOS games that have ever cried out for a remake Floor 13 surely has the best case of all.

The point to the game is to run the British Department of Intelligence. Of course (in the game - and, ask the CIA, probably in real life) this involves committing most of the atrocities we laugh at conspiracy theory junkies for talking about.

You read news and intelligence reports of suspects, famous people, locations and pressure groups (both pro and anti government) and decide how they all connect and how to deal with them. Options include Surveillance, Pursuit, Search, Interrogation and, erm, 'Removal'

It has a rather steep learning curve, so if you do download it expect to be fired or meet the infamous "Mr. Garcia" a few times before you get it right.

The last line of the review sums it up perfectly,

"Warning: this game contains controversial elements that may offend some, such as allowing you to torture prisoners to extract information. Proceed at your own risk."

One of the best games, EVER!

Who wants to go in with me to buy the rights, set the new version in the USA and watch copies of it fly off the shelf at 100mph?

I like a good countdown (mainly because it gives me at least one thing to write on for any number of days), and this is why I present to you - starting right now - the worst songs in history. This five part series takes not only musical incompetance into account (because then it would be full of Cher songs, and i've have to show a picture of the bint) but also prior performances, video clips, song meanings.

Firstly, let's start off with a song that was just plain misleading

5. Ironic - Alanis Morrisette

Irony = "Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs"Alanis = Whiny cow

* A death row pardon two minutes too late - not ironic* A black fly in your chardonnay - nope* Rain on your wedding day - not quite, keep trying* Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife - She's just taking the piss.

The only bit in the song that is ironic is when the guy who's always been afraid of flying finally takes a plane and it crashes - and that's just nasty. She might have blazed the trail for jilted, tire-slashing, brake-tampering, stalking chicks like Avril Lavigne but, much like her proteges, she simply made no sense.

Thursday, 16 January 2003

According to some ad I just saw on TV, Lleyton Hewitt has been nominated for Australian of the Year.

Surely you jest? Does he extra points for racially abusing that guy at the US Open a few years ago?

Nobody exactly springs to mind as a deserving candidate (except me, but my nomination form got lost in the massive conspiracy) but surely there's somebody else who has done more than a whinging tennis player. Can't we just hand it over to some unsung heroes or something this year? Even better, let's give it to Steve Leibman - without his sage advice I wouldn't have any idea how to ring the Terror Hotline in times of great national emergency.

Here's the awards website, see if you can work out what the hell is going on with this award - because I sure can't.

This would make four sports stars in the last six years (Hewitt, Pat Rafter, Mark Taylor and Cathy Freeman) and you can justifiably argue that Freeman is the only one of the lot who actually deserved it.

Of course, these are the people who gave the award to Alan Bond in 1978 - so view it with appropriate suspicion.

1 30 men without necks take the pitch2 Kick off3 Ball kicked out of bounds4 Ball thrown in from out of bounds5 Repeat last two points a few times6 Pack a scrum, have your ears ripped off by a toothless idiot7 Get a penalty8 Kick a goal9 Repeat steps 2 through 510 Benefit from a terrible defensive mistake and score token try11 Half-Time12 Repeat steps 1 through 12 again for second half

Then you should probably start playing a real sport.

If you're forced to watch the game you should probably insert step 11.5 "Slash your wrists in frustration and anger"

Wednesday, 15 January 2003

Is anyone else troubled by the fact that Channel 9 have their cricket commentary team pimping the summer network line up to us during the coverage? Richie Benaud talking about an "amazing psychological drama" is something I never thought I would hear.

Then there's Tony Greig trying to pretend he's watched "CSI" once in his life.

Let's throw out some random numbers from today's One Day game in Brisbane see what we come up with...

Brad Williams 10 0 33 1 (2w)Brett Lee 10 1 44 1 (2nb, 2w)

For the explanation of international readers (and the Australian Cricket Board) those stats mean that Lee is inferior to Williams. So, which one would you send to the World Cup? Of course, if you're the boneheads who run the game in Australia you take the one with the worse figures. Somebody explain this shit to me, because i'm lost.

Thursday February 27 - North West Stadium, Potchefstroom. Australia vs Namibia. The day of purification is coming.

Tuesday, 14 January 2003

Dedicated viewing of the television news would have you believe that parliamentary bad behaviour is left to those in other countries. The odd tangle in Taiwan or rumble in Russia just proves how much of a raging democracy we really are doesn't it? After all it's probably better to have Pistol Pete and Slimey Simon Crean slinging mud at each other over a table than beating each others brains out on top of it (because we all know who'd win).

It's not always been that way, Australian Parliament's have a colorful history of 'going off' over the years. Sadly with the advent of televised proceedings most of the members keep their harshest attacks hidden away, sometimes though they explode and there's nobody there to save them from the media spotlight.

* The first great stoush occured in 1909 when Mr. Lyne disagreed with Deakin's "fusion" with the free traders and called him Judas. Billy Hughes said the next day that this wasn't fair to Judas "who did not gag the man he betrayed, nor did he fail to hang himself afterwards." This kind of behaviour carried on for a while until one night after an especially heated session the speaker Sir Fredrick Holder stood up, muttered "dreadful", collapsed and died.

* In 1919 Michael Considine from Broken Hill was suspended three times in one session. The third came when he said the Hughes Government supported "the champion murderer of the working classes in Russia". This was nothing in comparison to a year before when he was jailed for saying "Bugger the king. He's a bloody German bastard!"

US General Douglas MacArthur might have once told Prime Minister Curtin that "You take care of the rear, and I will handle the front". Australian-American relations had never been closer than that moment, but politicians still couldn't get on with those from their own country.

* 1960 saw the Crimes Bill cause some tension in Labor ranks. So much tension in fact that Eddie Ward, who opposed the bill, threw a punch at Deputy Leader Gough Whitlam. The ALP were so harshly critical of Liberal Attorney-General Barwick that he was reduced to tears and led from the house, his leadership aspirations in tatters.

Later that year list of banned books was released by Senator Henty, minister for Customs. Not only did it contain old favourites like the Kama Sutra and Lady Chatterley's Lover but a curiously titled piece of literature "The Frigging Countess"

* Labor's Les Hayden was suspended in 1963 for interfering with an anti-communist speech by MP Bill Wentworth. He appeared next to the frothing Liberal MP wearing a white jacket and with a stethoscope around his neck, he then announced that an ambulance was waiting outside and some quiet rest and loving attention would do Wentworth the world of good.

* In 1965 Whitlam was referred to by External Affairs Minister Hasluck as "One of the filthiest objects ever to come into this chamber". Gough didn't take the critiscm too well and threw a glass of water into his opponents face. How many times would that have been replayed on TV if there was any footage?

* With debate raging over the site of the new Parliament House one member Sir William Aston failed to attract the attention of the speaker and stormed out shouting "You can shove it up your arse!" Jim Cope immediately interjected "Mr. Speaker. I ask that parliament consider the fourth site proposed by the honorable member."

* In 1986 senior ministers met in the PM's office to discuss the damage Keating had done with his infamous "Banana Republic" comment. Hawke had to speak from Beijing which led the Treasurer to say "Be careful, the Chinese will be listening". Hawkey replied in his usual forthright way "Fuck the Chinese!"

Then there was the fashion attack. Al Grassby appeared in a purple suit with lace cuffs alongside Bill Hayden in a powder-blue suit with white shoes at the opening of Parliament in February 1973. It was the closest Canberra has ever come to erupting into a full-scale disco inferno.

* Attacks on decency also occured in the house, though thankfully not in the chamber. It was 1987 when the wife of Labor's John Brown revealed that she had 'seduced' her husband "on his desk the first day he was in his new office as minster." Furthermore she felt the need to reveal on national television that she "left the undies in his Permanent Head's ashtray". What exactly the 'permanent head' was is still a matter for debate in the sex shops of Canberra to this day.

Sunday, 12 January 2003

Some people like a train or two, fair enough. Some people even like trains quite a lot, no problems with that. Some people though just take it too far and make themselves look a bit silly.

There is somebody with a fetish for the Broadmeadows line. Somebody who has done the research and knows that Platform One of Essendon station is rarely used. You have to admire their dedication to the cause, but at the same time wonder just how much time some people have on their hands.

Did you know, for instance, that Moonee Ponds station had boom gates installed at Puckle Street on the 25th of May, 1969? Of course you didn't. You do now. Even better that the small ticket machine at Newmarket is serial numbered MVM 1-017-1113. How can people live without this information?

What this site lacks is the news that everybody really wants to know. How many stabbings have taken place between North Melbourne and Kensington? Has any new, and entertaining, graffiti about John Howard turned up at Oak Park station? Do any of the ticket machines still work?

In reality we want to know what gangs rumbled at Moonee Ponds in 1969, and which drugs are sold at Newmarket. Sadly these stats are absent.

Saturday, 11 January 2003

Long term readers will know that I don't rate the Australian cricket team (and certain blonde people who bowl quickly with questionable actions in particular) very highly these days, but I must give some credit for the performance against England today. Damian Martyn batted superbly, Shane Watson finally showed some form with the ball when McGrath was injured, and Brad Hogg recovered from being hammered early to put in a respectable spell. Of course certain people struggled as usual, but Andy Bichel recovered from his poor performance the other night to put in another performance that justifies his position as Australia's premiere third fast bowler.

Of course England were on target to comfortably take out the game before Ian Blackwell, who is constantly referred to in the commentary as a 'big hitter', came to the crease at 1-165 and made the most casual and laboured 12 in One Day history. With six an over required he spent most of his innings blocking and refusing to run two when he could settle for a lazy single. Tony Greig, as usual, wasn't happy at the situation, and obviously neither was Nasser Hussein. I'll be interested to see whether this dud benefits from the English squad's black-death style injury plague to retain his spot for the next ODI.

Meanwhile, website of the day (not a regular feature anytime soon) is Shoot-it.org. Load any picture you like and take to it with a handgun. Try a JPG of yourself, it's very theraputic. Or load one of Ian Blackwell if you're an English cricket fan.

Highlights include the ransom note sent when Picasso's "The Weeping Woman" was stolen from the National Gallery of Victoria.

"Because the Minister of the Arts is also the Minister of Plod we are giving him a sporting seven days in which to try and have us arrested while he deliberates"

Minister of Plod? Absolute genius.

Sydney, 1992 - Pranksters in the central city erect an 8 by 6 meter screen on top of the Galaxy building on George St and screen porno films with a video projector for 90 minutes before being arrested.

These are classics. I'm sure there are some great ones that aren't listed on here, and I want to hear about them!

Remember the shambles that was the Consitutional Convention? Well I recently had the good fortune to find a copy of the candidates statements from every state - how come these people didn't get elected? All together now, let's sing "Those were the days..".

New South Wales

BIGOT, GodfreyGODFREY BIGOT'S TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES PARTYGidday. This Convention will be wonderful; a fantastic junket. I'll mingle with celebrity windbags, and the golf-course is nearby. As President of Australian Constitutional Monarchists, I've been intimate with the entire Royal family; including the corgis. I've played twister with the Queen Mother and disco-danced with Charlie. Being a christian, I've discouraged toe-sucking, (and other perversions one expects only from the priesthood). My supporters include; my girlfriend - Pauline Hanson, her associates - Herman Goering, John Howard, Hugh Hefner, and, notably, Alan Jones; he's right behind me. Let Bigot speak for the Monarchists - Give them what they deserve.

SCHNEIDER, QuentinDINKUM BOSS-COBBERS: NO ELECTORAL FAVOURITISM

SWEETING, DavidUNIQUE AUSTRALIAN ROYAL FAMILYMinimum change: The Australian Monarch can no longer be the Monarch of another country. This preserves Australia's highly stable form of government. i.e. Hereditary head of state, Democratically elected parliament, Autocratic parties and Bureaucratic public service. The media can focus on Australia's own princes and princesses, supporting people and charities.

Queensland

HUNGERFORD, DianneTo be or not to be!, A republic - that is the question!

WYLIE, JulieJULIE MICHAEL [TSP sez - She couldn't even decide what her own name was..]

Victoria

CAILLARD, PeterLAWYERS FOR CONSTITUTIONAL INTEGRITY [TSP sez - A lawyer for integrity? RUN IT MUST BE A TRICK]

TENNI, PhilomeneI recognise that the Alfredian direction to make legal decisions in the light of the Ten Commandments and the Bible led to the development of common law rights.

And finally my personal favourite...

MURGATROYD, Cecil GQUEEN ANNE OF AUSTRALIAQueen Elizabeth could make her daughter, Princess Anne, the Queen of Australia. With Anne naturalised as a business migrant, we'd have an Australian Head of State with minimal constitutional change. This Australian dynasty could make money selling genuine Royal Titles to gullible millionaires and solve all our economic problems.

What's up with these gas masks everyone seems to be buying these days? Somebody with more knowledge on the matter correct me if i'm wrong, but don't most biological agents act just as harmfully if they make contact with your skin? Yet in every picture I see of an idiot in a gas mark they've got exposed skin everywhere but their face. I'm thinking Anthrax here in particular.

See, for instance, the multitude of pictures of paranoid gits (and their kids, where are the authorities when you really need them?) in today's Herald-Sun.

I must go now, i'm off to Ebay to sell Safeway bags that prevent all known biological agents, and some that haven't even been invented yet.

Friday, 10 January 2003

A classic moment tonight. At the MCG watching Victoria choke against WA in their One Day match (we even missed Warne getting hammered for 26 off his first over), scanning the Public Notices in the Herald Sun we found an interesting one.

"Wish Sharna [or whatever the heck her name was] a happy birthday. Call (phone number)" So of course expecting it to be some massive code word for a drug operation I got the mobile out and SMS'ed her a 'Happy Birthday!' message.

10 minutes later the phone rang. It was the birthday girl herself, she was quite excited about the whole thing and invited me to her birthday party. Sadly I felt I had to decline as I'm convinced some radio station (probably Triple M, because that's the tragic kind of thing they'd do) running some kind of competition to see how many horny old men they can get to show up in one place at one time. A true comedy moment nonetheless. I might put an ad like that in the paper on my birthday and put the phone number of my closest ALP MP there instead.

Do you have what it takes to be a member of a bizarre minor political party?

Screening questionDo you have any friends? [Yes/No] If answer is [Yes] then you don't qualify - sorry

1. Drugs are...a) Wicked fun!b) A complex social issue which we all must join together in order to conquer.c) A plot by the Royal Family to keep this nation under their rule until the space aliens come and take us all away in their rocketship.

2. "The Leader" is..a) Whoever buys the next round at the pub...b) The Prime Ministerc) Sheik Ibn Zek - Lord and Ruler Of All Moonbeams (He likes to be called Kevin on formal occasions)

3. Your great uncle has died and left you $10,000. What do you do with it?a) Go on the most epic bender ever seen in this countryb) Invest it sensibly and watch your portfolio climb over the yearsc) Spend it on a one week trip to "The Leaders" positive enlightenment camp, a backyard in Upfield.

4. When you hear the phrase "Re-Educaton" what do you think?a) You've never liked education and you're not starting now.b) Rehabilitation is a vital part of the corrective system in this country and that's the way it should sayc) What you must do to the non-believers who are stopping your party from taking over the country and ruling it for the good of the earth, the sea and the sky.

5. Are the authorities hunting you down because only you, and the other members know 'the truth'a) No, but they're hunting me for other reasonsb) No, because i've bribed all the authorities and they think i'm greatc) Yes, I know their secret about the moon landing really having been faked in a field near Colac.

Mostly a's - You may make the mistake of voting for one of these parties when you show up at the polling booth totally smashed, but you could never be bothered actually signing up.Mostly b's - You're not already a politician are you?Mostly c's - Yes, we know you'll be laughing at us when it's all proved true. But until then we'll do the snickering thanks very much.

According to Zem the Italian police have found a catchy new way to deal with unruly protestors...

The BBC reports on an inquiry into a police raid at the Genoa G8 summit protests in 2001. According to transcripts, police have admitted planting petrol bombs and staging a mock stabbing in order to justify a violent raid that left 72 injured protestors - none of whom were charged.

As opposed to the Victorian Police during the (original) S11 who let the unwashed masses kick the living suitcase out of them for two days and didn't actually pin enough on any of them to carry a court case. Fools, one and all.

Thursday, 9 January 2003

Here's a belated reprint of an article I wrote for the 9th edition of Power and Glory magazine (don't ask) a couple of years ago. I just re-read the website, and I decided that it deserves another plug - somewhere it might actually be read. So, prepare to be entertained by "An article I never bothered giving a title to"

So, what's the greatest Australian TV series in history? Blue Heelers? Water Rats? Blankety Blanks? You'd be wrong if you said any of those because there is no better show than...

Yes that's right, It's a Knockout - the show which pitted NSW, SA, Victoria and Queensland against each other (piss off WA and Tassie) in mortal combat to prove just which state was the most athletically superior. They even had a dog called "Combat"

It's a Knockout Web is the latest contender for greatest website ever, it's the only IAK site ever and it's packed full of more info than you can shake a huge cardboard joker at.

What other show would provide a gig for Ricky May (RIP), Jon English, Lisa Curry, Vince Sorrenti, Jackie Love, Ian Turpie and Cameron Daddo? Not to mention the great hosts Billy J Smith (often confused for Stan Zemanek) and the far more talented McDonald sister.

All the action took place in rural NSW in the official It's a Knockout Stadium, Dural (aka 'Mecca'). I always thought that it was Canberra's Bruce Stadium - but obviously the costs associated with finding large animal suits for numerous contestants meant the producers had to move the show to the country. Apparently the IAK Arena is now a soccer stadium, or somebodies driveway or something.

Our local heroes were the Box Hill crew, IAK Web describes them like this...

"Box Hill, captained by P.E. teacher bald guy Sam Daniels and V.C. Don Carmichael performed well in many events. Sam Daniels worked the winch well in "Bridge the gap" against Padthaway (SA). Box Hill was also robbed of victory in "Rollin Hoops" due to a questionable rolling "tactic" employed by the aforementioned team. Box Hill was unlucky in that it had to compete against Nareen in the Victorian division, which was unusually stiff competition. One often felt that Billy J.Smith's attitude to Box Hill's White Horse was not 100% serious."

When one contestant almost killed himself plumetting off the set whilst trying to stack columns from on top of a ladder teetering dangerously (left - ouch!) all Billy J would offer in the way of sympathy was "He's a physio, so he can give himself a rub down later" Let me remind at this point that IAK was (and still is..) indeed a family show.

The end was nigh when four weeks of celebrity specials appeared - Greg Evans, Shirley Strachan (RIP), Tim Watson, Jason Donovan, Kerri-Anne Kennerley, Tina Arena, Kylie Minogue and a bunch of people nobody's ever heard of put their bodies on the line in the name of charity. Victoria won twice (yes!) with Queensland and SA having one victory each. NSW were obviously very light on for celebrities with that 'Knockout' instinct.

There was even a board game, which I certainly had at some point and may even still by lying around somewhere where you could reconstruct the wacky behavior (provide your own airhorn) of the show in your own loungeroom. Many times the joker was played in the wrong event and I cost my state victory; but that was the beauty of It's A Knockout - could the contestant hold their nerve whilst trying to ride a comedy sized horse with a teammate inside over a slippery mat with double points on the line? More often than not the answer was no.

Box Hill may have been the greatest team to appear on the show, by virtue of their close proximity to Camberwell but the world famous, universally acknowledged most useless team in the history of the show was everyone's favourite suburb Frankston. They finished last in every event, scored no points and disgraced our entire state. No surprises that they were led by a tattooed truck-driver and a part-time hardware salesman who claimed to run 2km a day yet still finished last in a 39 second running race and was out of breath. Frauds!

Perhaps the second greatest Victorian entrants were Vermont, IAK Web tells the tale of their demise..

"A tragic downfall of Vermont occurred in the "Heckle and Jeckle" when captain Velcek was unable to get across the monkey bars, consequently not getting his corn-on-the-cob, thus finishing last and wasting his team's joker."

Other notable Victorian entries included Nareen, Portland, Eltham, Benalla, Preston and Mordialloc. But none of them were as good as the mighty Box Hill with their horsey mascot. Interstate heroes such as the Kingaroy Peanuts, Woodville and Umina clearly failed to reach the high standards of any of our entrants. Except Frankston, because as we now know they were completely crap.

IAK (the repeats anyway) was a cult show when I was in the early years of High School so imagine the joy when viewing one early Saturday morning - I had something to get up for then - and our PE teacher showed up, doing his bit for Victoria. Much hilarity ensued when cost his team the entire competition by failing to make it through a tunnel in a frog suit, thus handing victory to South Australia by the narrowest of margins. He never commanded the respect of our class ever again.

Of course it wasn't all downhill for "Shaggs" Naughton - as you can see in the picture to the left he played his joker with supreme precision and earned the state 8 points after winning "Bumbling Bees" But to us his earlier triumphs meant nothing as he'd given South Australia the title with his poor command of the Frog Suit.

The genius of IAK is too great to compress into one measly article, you must see the website to appreciate the full beauty of it. Someone should write a book about the show I tell you - it would be the highest seller in the history of literature.

In the distance you can hear the sound of the cheer and the laugh and the roar of the crowdYou can feel the expectation, and the wild jubilation and the shouting the winners names aloud'Cos it's the greatest game in town, and it's the craziest fun around.

It's a Knockout! -- that's the name,It's a Knockout! -- that's the game,It's a Knockout! -- that's the name of the game!

Wednesday, 8 January 2003

New guy making a splash in the highly competitive Blog world, The Yobbo has stumbled upon a dastardly plot.

The presence of Andy Symonds in Australia's world cup cricket squad could be an ASIO/MI5 plot to assassinate Robert Mugabe, according to the troubled dictator. While obviously not in the squad on form alone, Symonds has lived in both Australia and the UK, and could have trained with British Intelligence in an assassination plot.

What's up with that? Andrew Symonds couldn't kill a puppy with a cricket bat. Let's do something that'll really kick things off and send Brett Lee as a suicide bomber instead (*).

I have two problems with those KFC cricket ads. Other than the well documented question of who would want to order and eat something called the "Cricketers Box", I have always wondered why the fielders appeal when the guy has been bowled and why, when the bowler is clearly a Spinner, the ball comes in at full speed.

The only good thing about them is having to hear Tony Greig and Ian Chappell try and say "pick up a Cricketers Box" over and over again on Channel 9 while trying not to piss themselves laughing.

Seen on the news tonight, a child (from Adelaide in case you're keeping score) trapped in a chimney trying to emulate Santa Claus. Politically correct Anti-Santa activists, this is the belated Xmas present I give to you - put a press release out on the evils of Santa now and maybe somebody will listen.

Actually I consider myself to be a bit of an Anti-Santa type (It's probably got something to do with cracking the rort open at an early age by finding the presents in the process of being wrapped and refusing to accept any explanation), because I always find it amusing how parents hammer a "don't lie" philosophy into their kids all the time but once a year spend a great deal of time and money lying themselves.

Am I a cynical bastard, or just somebody who should have posted this rant fifteen days ago? You decide!

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey threw a cup of ice water over his head and splashed a child in the first quarter of the NFC playoffs against the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.

THE BASTARD! I sure hope somebody gets suspended for life over that one. And was the child hurt? Of course not.

The boy was given a football by the Giants.

When you can buy somebody off with a football in Super Litigation Land then I think that's a pretty good sign that nothing serious has happened.

Meanwhile, here's a dubious news story which makes me wonder whether April Fools Day has earned a transfer to January.

A California-based group is offering money to drug addicted-men and women in Brooklyn who agree to be sterilized or receive long-term birth control.

The organization, Children Requiring a Caring Kommunity, or Crack, provides $200 cash payments to people in Brooklyn and elsewhere in the country who can provide written proof that they have had the sterilization procedure done.

Tuesday, 7 January 2003

Some good news, my old friend Collins Emordi of the African Development Bank PLC just wrote back again. Apparently he's not upset at my capering at his expense last time and has a similar business proposal for me again.

Amazingly ANOTHER one of his clients died in the same fiery plane wreck and ALSO left $32.4m US Dollars behind. UNCANNY!

Unfortunately Colonel Adam of is not in a position to take up such an opportunity and wrote back to Collins to ask if the African Development Bank PLC would be interested in financing a coup in Nigeria. When our US puppet regime is installed then I can guarantee (with NO RISK) that Collins and the bank will recieve a substantial payment. Seems like an excellent deal to me, but I somehow feel he won't go for it.

Back from the airport un-arrested last night and I saw the silliest infomercial ever. Trevor Hendy interviewing Rene Rivkin about his company and whatever scheme they're running. Ignoring the obvious questions about what qualifies Trevor Hendy to interview people the major problem is that he effectively admits he's on Rivkin's payroll.

The best thing is that it was "produced by thebasement.com.au" - Uncle Doug Mulray is still going strong, even after being axed.

By the way, check out the greatest letter in the history of 50/50 on Pg.14 of the Herald-Sun today. The last line is so true it's not funny

The chances of defending against suicide bombers are minute. We can't even stop graffiti vandals

Sunday, 5 January 2003

Right, well i'm off to the Airport soon to welcome somebody back from a gruelling overseas junket. I will try to avoid letting rip with any inappropriate comments that will see me detained for 48 hours under our sweeping new anti-terrorism laws, but I can't promise anything.

Actually if you're reading this before midnight you could probably ring the Paranoia Terrorism Hotline and tell them i'm Carlos the Jackal or something and come and watch the fun ensue.

If the worst happens i'll be sure to blog often from Camp X-Ray in sunny Guantanomo Bay. Muy Excellente!

Now that's a tactic! When people start to ask "where's the last one already?" they announce a new baby to take the media heat off. So on and so forth until there are more allegedly cloned kiddies in the Raelian Compound than there are in Bangladesh. I LIKE IT!

After the night where I couldn't sleep some idiot decides to play with a child rather loudly (and suspiciously, just quietly) right outside my window in the morning. And then just when I concede that he'll be at it all day and get it he goes inside.

Oh good, Brett Lee just went out first ball. Now I don't even have to say "at least he can bat"

Those wacky Nigerians. It never ceases to amaze just how many of them apparently died in fiery plane crashes leaving behind grieving widows who need to launder money through the bank accounts of fine upstanding Western Citizens.

Who wouldn't trust a gentlemen like Collins Emordi to handle their account details in a prompt and efficient manner? I certainly would, that's why I sent this back in reply to his 'proposal'

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am running a similar scam and welcome the opportunity to discuss someideas with you. Please respond as soon as possible and we will make much money together!

Yours sincerely,

Colonel Adam

Usually they don't respond when you're clearly taking the piss out of them, but this time I recieved this short-but-sweet email from Mr. Emordi.

very funny

Doesn't sound like an aide to the President of Nigeria to me. I think i'll withhold my funds from his scheme now.

Friday, 3 January 2003

It took half a week, but I just remembered something else that bugged the shit out of me about European Vacation. When they visit the Lourve (by this point of the film you're trying to slash your wrists with celery) it plays Ca Plan Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand as if it's some kind of wacky French tie-in.

HE WAS A FREAKING BELGIAN!

Now, Belgium doesn't usually get acclaim for much (apart from chocolate, organised paedophile rings and providing a handy backdoor for Germany to invade half of Europe) but by christ it's going to get credit from me for Plastic Bertrand.

I quote edition 196 of Q magazine...

Born Roger Jouret in Brussels in February 1958, Plastic Bertrand conquered the world with his punk parody Ca Plane Pour Moi in 1978"

There you go, the next time you're watching a film where somebody goes to France and that song comes on you too can throw things at the screen and shout FRAUD just as I did.

Steve Waugh eh? One of the great innings of his life and he still used the post-stumps press conference to have a whinge. Good luck to him and all, but the first person to decide that he now deserves a spot in the One Day Squad wins a free "get away from it all" trip to the Intensive Care Department.

In other news from Sydney Brett Lee resumed normal service by doing nothing while (the great) Andy Bichel beat up the tail. Expect his reward to be carrying the drinks at the World Cup while Lee costs 8 runs an over and terrorises poor amateur Namibians.

So, have the Krazy Kloning Kult proven the existence of their mystery baby yet? Or do international sex cults close down for the New Year Break too? What if the alien spaceship finally comes and they're all in Ibiza? The possibilities are endless.

Speaking of strange people, how about taking the piss out of Yassir Arafat? It's just too easy!

Wednesday, 1 January 2003

Remember, way back in the Project's early days when my first ever disturbing search request was "Andrea True Picture Porn"? Well, of course you don't because nobody read this page then but surely you were here to witness my shock and surprise when it turned out that the famous Ms. True was not only a disco diva, but also a hardcore pron star?

Probably not, but the point to all this is that the Disco-Porn freak is back and looking again. So in the name of research I have found the following biography of the lady herself. Sure, there's no actual porn for you to view, but how could you go wrong with tidbits like this,

Andrea True's major claim to fame, though, is the fact that she's the only porn starlet to ever top the Billboard charts. Her 1976 proto-disco hit 'More, More, More' hit number one worldwide and can still be found turning up on disco compilations and the like. Most people today don't realize that the woman belting out the sexy lyrics is none other than one of the biggest porn starlets of the 70's. One glimpse of Andrea True in action, though, will prove to you that she indeed means it when she says, 'More, more, more.'

Well, whatta you know, I just clicked on "next page" and there's a massive gallery of the lady herself in action - so if you'll excuse me for a second..