The Life and Times of Dana Marie – The Novel

We have a lot to cover, people of the Internet, get prepared for a long, disjointed list that will probably not make any sense to all of you as a whole but individual things might make you say “Ah” or “Oh” or “My God, that Dana is a freak.”

I’ve decided that, since I never finished those novels I’ve wanted, that I’m going to pretend that this is a novel and it will have chapters and everything. Really short chapters because I want to keep my readers (that would be you all) riveted. I figure if it works for Dan Brown, it’s good enough for me. Unfortunately, I can not promise you that a gunshot will ring out every 3rd chapter. There aren’t any major corporations/religions conspiring together either. Or are there?

Chapter One – In which I discover that I do not have full authority over everything

So back pain is gone. Thank you for asking. I don’t know what happened. I don’t care. I think it might have something to do with the fact that it did rain last night and, so, there is no more barometic pressure in the air and I can get on with my life. Just wait until winter comes, people, I will be a cranky Queen. You would think, with this being my Universe and all, that I would have more control over the weather.

Chapter Two – In which I make fun of my weight

I was thinking about the one hate comment (well, more than one but it was from the same person) I got back in October. It was regarding my remark about my less than favorable reaction to George Bush in a debate again John Kerry. The person indicated that I was a) an idiot and b) fat. So I started doing some logical assuming and figured out that since I am an idiot and also fat because I do not believe that George Bush is the BEST PRESIDENT EVER!, if you take that one step further, it is obviously Bush’s fault that I’m fat. I’m blaming him. Perfectly rational, don’t you think? Yes, yes, people, I am kidding. It’s obviously McDonald’s fault for force feeding me fattening food (Mark, that alliteration is for you). And yes, I’m kidding about this again. I was just thinking about the blame game that gets played a lot and I know where this weight came from and what I have to do to get rid of it. This is why today’s lunch consisted of one Twist-Um Cheese Thing, one Super Mom’s Ham & Cheese Snacker and one tray of Super Mom’s carrots and celery. Can you say yay? Can you say Dana is ignoring the Cheez-its that are calling to her from her drawer? I knew you could. Shut up, you damn Cheez-its (still resisting today on 9/20 but it is hard)!

Chapter Three – In which I babble about Effexor and why I have been sad lately

Okay, so even though I am on my beloved Effexor and it does quite well at dealing with the chemical imbalanced piece o’crap called my brain, occasionally I still get sad. I have been sad lately. Nothing major, just something I’m going through that I have absolutely no control over (men are stupid (okay, not all men, obviously. Just one man)) and another thing that I have nobody to blame for but myself (over-extended money wise and really trying to figure out how I’m going to get back on track) and another thing that has been bothering me for years and what am I going to do about it (Curse you, food makers for making food so dang tasty! Curse you)? I should state, for the record, that sad in this case does not mean suicidal which is what life was like Before Effexor. BE I would find myself weeping at odd moments of the day (and not about movies. Over stuff like “Oh, I broke my fingernail. Life is SO hard) and staring out my window wondering what would happen if I jumped? Yeah. I live on the 26th floor. I know what would happen. I would be smushed. That would not be good.

Chapter Four – In which I explain what my point was in Chapter Three

Went off on a tangent in number 3 and figured it be better to just start a new number. So I’ve been sad, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, yesterday, when Keem came back home from LaCrosse, she handed me a package. I was wondering what was in it because, hello, broke. Not spending money willy-nilly lately (ask Keem or Beth about my A&W mug addiction where I went a little crazy shopping on eBay (which, hey, I have a digital camera. I should start selling stuff on eBay. Where has my brain been? I have junk. The American public loves junk)). I open the box and there, peeking out at me, is this grinning accordion playing frog. Oh, my God. I can’t believe it. I was stunned. I did (in my mind because I was in Keem’s room) a happy dance.

The background about the frog is that frog had an auction and the highest bidder would gain possession of an authetic accordion playing frog signed by frog. As you know, I like frogs. Except that I call them green duckies. The really cool thing about the auction was that you left in the comments a bid and then would donate that money to the charity of your choice. I had bid $15 to donate to the HRC, an organization that works for the rights of gay, lesbian and transgendered individuals. I was, however, quickly outbid by many others and Sass was the winner. So why did I end up with the frog?

A quick email to frog and the mystery was solved. Sass wanted me to have the statue. And I adore it. I will have to bring it to work and add it to my green duckies collection (which I would photograph but we’re not allowed to take pictures at work. Maybe I will bring them home someday and photograph them or beg to be able to take the picture).

Isn’t it amazing how things so simple can just bring a smile to your face and help eliminate the gloomies?

Chapter Five – How not to get me to ever call you

Last Thursday, I took a cab to karaoke. The last time I had journeyed by taxi to the Chalet, I ended up with a cab driver I had before, through the yellow cab company. He is a nice guy, we’ve had good conversations and, a high qualification for a cab driver, he is not a psycho. So, because of this, I decided to call yellow cab. Did I get the nice guy? Of course not.

This guy was kind of annoying. I told him that I was going to the Chalet. He mentions that he likes that place. Well, that cool. I love the Chalet (obviously since I write about it every single week). He says that he has a club that meets up there. Hmm. What kind of club is that? He laughs. That kind of “Oh, I can’t tell you. It is a shocking and secret club.” When does it meet? He laughs again. Apparently he is signed up for a mailing list through Yahoo and gets a ton of messages so he never knows until about three weeks later. Do I care? No. Are you talking about something I want to talk about anymore? No. So shut up already.

BB (you’ll get it in a moment): Here. Let me give you my card.DM: That’s okay. He gave me a card last week. I have one.BB: He didn’t give you THIS card (what? Is it gold plated?)

He hands me his card.

BB: Give me a call. The number comes right to here (he holds up his cell phone).DM: Sure. Let me the hell out of the cab, you freak.My customary response to the $10 bill is to hand over a $20 and ask for $5 back. If I like the person. This guy annoyed me so he got a $2 tip. He was excited about it. Makes you wonder if a) I’m not the only person he’s annoyed in the past or b) I just tip really well. Or both, I guess.

I walk into the bar and then look at the card. It says, in bold black letters, “Bad Brad’s Cab.”

I see Bryan and ask him “So. What do you think the chances are that I will ever call you if you give me a card that says ‘Bad Brad’s Cab?'” Bryan laughs and tells me a story about a cab experience he had.

Chapter Six – Bryan’s Cab Story

Bryan rarely takes cabs but had to one day. He is not one to talk to the cab drivers, preferring to ride in silence. This cab driver, however, kept talking to him.

CD (Cab driver): I almost hit someone. I’m not sure if it was a rabbit or a bunny.Bryan (to himself): What is the difference? Does one wear a bow?

She also keeps saying, over and over, “I can’t believe they did it. But they did it.” Constantly. Obviously waiting for someone, possibly Bryan, possibly her invisible friends, to ask her who they are and what they did. Bryan resists until the end of his ride when she says it again. Finally he asks “What did they do?”

CD: They did it. They made a chicken Whopper.

Yes. She spent the entire cab drive all excited because Burger King made a chicken Whopper. That’s just bizarre.

Chapter Seven – More stuff from the Chalet on Thursday

While waiting for Beth, I joined the Reverend James and finally found out how to spell his fiance’s name. It is Marian, as in Maid Marian. When Beth arrived, she brought her team lead, Steve and we had a good time talking to him. Steve sang the Killers song “Mr. Brightside” and completely wowed us. That is a very complicated song to sing and he nailed it. Very impressive. We also spent some time talking to Guiseppe (sp?) and his friend Marcus. They entertained me by singing the “Kiss the Girl” from the Disney movie “The Little Mermaid.” Which was stuck in my head for the entire night. Guiseppe had asked me what I was writing and I mentioned that I had a blog and then told him why it was named the way it was and some of the other stuff I am famous for saying. It was nice telling someone new my stories and hearing the laughter. I live to amuse.

Chapter Eight – In which there is not gunfire or romantic interludes

Beth wrote a post about Sunday night and how nothing particularly earth shattering took place but it was a lot of fun. We were in a goofy mood and so were Angie and Amy. We were very excited to see Nate and officially meet his girlfriend, Becky (well, apparently we have met her before but I don’t remember being officially introduced).

I am not sure how this happened but Angie and I started discussing our nipples and what they looked like. The night also resulted in Bryan telling a story while he was introducing me and managed to only say one word directly into the microphone. That word was “Herpes.” Thanks, Bryan. Everyone in the place immediately looks at me. I do not have herpes, thank you very much.

Somehow our minds became warped and everything turned sexual in nature. We decided it was not only New Song Sunday but it was New Sex Song Sunday. Beth sang “I Want Your Sex.” Nate sang “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy (and it rocked).” I sang “Physical” and “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” Angie sang “I Touch Myself.” We were having a great time laughing about everything and just being completely silly.

A new person, Anthony, had sang several times that night and he was very good. Apparently, when he took his glasses off during his first song, I made a noise. I do not remember making a noise but Beth claims that I did. He was fairly attractive and, well, let’s face it, I’m a red-blooded woman who is deprived of kissing. It is very frustrating for me.

At one point, I, somewhat crudely (forgive me), when asked what I thought of Anthony, said “I’d do him (of course I only mean that I would kiss him. I would never ever do anything other than that. You believe me, right).” This amused my friends and Nate asked “Just him?” I said “Right now, anyone.” As I said this, the door opened and Gil walked in. Nate asked “How about him?” Believe me when I say that if the floor could open up and swallow me, I would have been greatly relieved. Fortunately Gil did not hear any of this.

Liz and James joined us later that night and we had a great time talking to them. It was a wonderful time and I love, love LOVE going to the Chalet. I will probably not be able to go this Thursday because I have miniscule funds ($30) to last me until payday (the 30th) and cannot afford the cab ride. It is very sad.

Chapter Eleven – In which I answer questions that were left in the comments

Johnny, Beth and I love music a lot. And I love telling people about songs I love and writing the lyrics down so that if someone else likes the song, maybe they will buy it and then that way I have supported the singer. Plus, it is fun to find lyrics that fit the post. I like fun.

Joe, last Sunday (a week ago Sunday), the Hurricane Dana came up at karaoke because we are all horrible, evil people. Horrible. Evil. Mainly it’s a way for me to meet guys and do good deeds by taking in refugees. Hot, muscular refugees. Here is the post. Yes. Evil.

Chapter Twelve – In which the heroine rides off into the sunset with the hero and lives happily ever after

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah. Like that’ll happen.

Okay, hope you enjoyed the novel. I think I’ll make millions off of it. What do you think?