Some call it “bum wine” or “brown bag vino”.
But the cultured call it “fortified wine”, that ultra-sweet, high-octane “grape
wine with citrus spirits” that gets a, um, bum rap because it’s high on alcohol
and low on price (though, averaging $5 a bottle, MD 20/20 is out-pricing the Three Buck Chuck).
In the interest of fairness, we scored five of the more popular fortified wines
and ranked them like any other wine.
Then we maaaaaaaaybe peed on a bus stop... but only to stop the
government from reading our thoughts.

5. Cisco
StrawberryWhat it is: A mixture of grape
and citrus and strawberry that’s marked by a distinct thickness. It’s also a
wolf in sheep’s clothing: Because of its effete bottle and technicolor glow,
people often mistake it for a wine cooler… a wine cooler that’d dump the
average consumer of wine coolers on her minivan-driving rump.ABV: 18%Taste-test: If I didn’t know
waaaay better, I’d think I brushed my teeth before tasting this… it tastes like
something I fermented in my bathroom (believe me, I know).
It has the consistency of watered-down cough syrup and sugar, but none of the
flavor of traditional sizurp.

4. ThunderbirdWhat it is: “The American Classic”,
Commie! Also, “Citrus wine with natural flavors and caramel color… vinted and
bottled in Modesto”. Commie.ABV: 17.5%Taste-test: Apparently, “American
Classic” means a weird, syrupy flavor that’s at once bitter and sweet. So…
Sarah Palin? But seriously, folks… it tastes a bit like corn syrup mixed with
bottom shelf vodka that was left out in the sun.

3. MD 20/20 Blue
RaspberryWhat it is: Known typically as
Mad Dog, but really an abbreviation of Mogen David (no relation to Larry) the
20/20 used to mean “20oz/20% alcohol” but not any more… everything we thought
about this is a lie. Including the idea that the “Bling Bling” necklace on the
label means it’s baller.ABV: 13%Taste-test: It looks like wiper
fluid and kinda tastes that way too. It’s like somebody dissolved a Jolly
Rancher and a blue Halls in some rubbing alcohol, then mixed it with flat soda.

2. Night Train
ExpressWhat it is: Without it, we would
never have the GNR classic that it inspired. We probably also wouldn’t have Chinese
Democracy, so it’s kind of a wash. It was also part of a crackdown on the
industry that claimed it specifically contributed to vagrancy and public
intoxication.ABV: 17.5%Taste-test: It’s like the
combination of Boone’s Farm and Thunderbird, with a heavy, syrupy consistency
that’s somewhere between NyQuil and Karo syrup, with a little rubbing alcohol
dumped in for good measure. In fact, the whole NyQuil thing is pretty apt… I
couldn’t put it down for some reason, and now I need a nap.

1. Wild Irish RoseWhat it is: Apparently named
after a fact-based 1947 movie about Irish singer Chauncey Olcott (bam! Internet!),
WIR has been warming bellies for more than five decades. We’ll call that a fine
vintage.ABV: 17%Taste-test: The wine-iest of the
lot, it basically tastes like Merlot with a terrible aftertaste, much like
kissing Kathie Lee. It definitely has that “loaded with grapes” flavor, but
also leaves tastes like regret and dark secrets. So yeah, Kathie Lee.

Andy Kryza is Thrillist’s national eat/drink
senior editor, and has proudly lived vegetable-free since 2001. Follow his
adventures/slow decline via Twitter at @apkryza.