Thursday, June 29, 2006

Please go give some love to Jill and to Vivien Both received devestating news today... and my heart breaks for them. I wish that neither of them had to go through this again... Hell I wish I never had to go through this again... Just let them know you're out there, that you care... that you wish this wasn't happening.

I started out with an expletive as a title... my husband saw what I had written and said "HONEY!" It's not a word I use often and it's one that he uses fairly regularly... and then as he saw the tears on my face he said whats wrong... he read both their posts, hugged me and said succinctly - that sucks. It does. It's unfair. It's awful, it's cruel, and it makes me very angry.

I wish that I could fix all of us or the pregnancies that we lost to make this better, easier... I don't know. I just wish that these wonderful women and their loving husbands didn't have to go through another loss. I wish the same for myself... but gosh I just want us all to end up on the other side, smiling, laughing and going - yeah this sucked, but boy it was worth it. Because right now... it doesn't feel worth it. It feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces and you're standing there trying to pick up the shards and put it all back together.

Jill and Vivien - know I am thinking of you, praying for you, and sending love to you...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Have I mentioned that my mother has gifted both my sister and I with horrible teeth. Seriously she gave us nice legs, but crappy teeth. In spite of flouride treatments, regular dentist appointments, fixing of cavities etc. Both my sister and I have had to have multiple cavities filled, root canals, etc. My sister had her root canal on Friday. I started having a weird pain on my back upper molar that already had a root canal in it on Saturday. I thought it might be the weather, but when I was debating as to which hurt worse - cramps or tooth pain the tooth pain won I knew. I had to make that call.

To my dentist. Who truly is a wonderful teddy bear kind of guy... who introduced me to the benefits of nitrous oxide which seriously I think if they would have given that to me during my d/c would have been just peachy. May have to mention that to the RE at my post op appt... just a thought of course.

So - I went to the dentist today. My old root canal which had been re-treated about 3 years ago has formed an abcess again. My big teddy bear dentist who was a linebacker in college football won't touch it. It's the funkiest tooth I have the roots all curve funky like. There are 3 options... 1 - retreat it again, 2 - have the roots clipped - don't ask I have no idea how they do this, or 3 - have it come out. I'm all for number 3 because truthfully that nitrous wasn't bad the last time and good lord why now when my husband's insurance is switching? Can things be any more confusing? I doubt it.

So next Wed we go for an appt to find out what to do with this tooth... and we'll go from there. In the meantime I'm on antibiotics... the strong kind. He also handed me a hefty script for painkillers and by hefty I mean - I take half a tab rather than a full one... if a junkie wanted to get high they could go to my dentist with tooth pain. This man I believe is the only one that remembers that I have a clotting disorder - my blood it doesn't clot all that well so motrin is out. He pulled a tooth for me a year or so ago and called us at home to make sure things were going okay and gave us his home phone number and cell number just in case if we needed anything... so we truly LOVE our dentist. He's just that good...

I also called the RE's office to get my stash supplied because well I haven't totally figured out D's new insurance other than we're both covered, and it takes effect on the 1st. So - gonal-f, ovidrel, and the blessed progesterone in oil will be happening with our next cycle. Our follow up appt with RE is on July 10th.

We're truly going to do all matters of preventing this cycle... even though we're already on a two week hiatus, we're planning on finding the condoms that work like 99.99999% of the time, and that we like rather than whatever brand it was that we had that I didn't like - those buggers are being thrown in the trash.

Tomorrow I start my new job. D - was sworn in today as an officer of nearby city. He has to petition the city council to allow him to live 35 miles outside of town rather than 20... it apparently isn't a big deal, but it totally freaked me out for about 10 seconds, then I thought what the hell else can go wrong. The chief doesn't appear concerned about it. I on the other hand am always leery of these kinds of things.

So it's official... I'm still broken... cramping came back... spotting still there, and well now we've got a bum tooth to add to the mix. D wasn't laughing quite so hard when he heard this news, because he just shook his head, hugged me and said - sorry honey it appears we haven't quite fixed you yet... I'll love you even if you have false teeth.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

D told his parents the other day the reason why we would not be coming over for birthdays in Grandma's garage was because of the D/C. While this does hold some truth in it, and no I wasn't fit company yesterday and barely today I could have made it through it if I had to. He also instructed his parents not to tell anyone about the d/c. We asked this because truthfully we didn't have to tell his parents, but we did, the extended family who are worthless do not need to know. Anyways..

D didn't want to go, I didn't want to go... and rather than saying that he used the d/c as the reason why we would not be attending. I told D one of these days you're going to have to be honest with them. He said "I'll take care of that when I have to."

So today found my in laws coming over for dinner at my mom's house.

My mil didn't ask me any questions in regards to how I was feeling etc. My fil as soon as my mom and mil went into the house and D and I were outside with him... he asked "How are you doing?" "Do you want a chair to sit down in, are you sure you're okay?" It was sweet. D even chuckled, because well my fil isn't that much into emotion or touchy subjects like that and he was practically doting on me. He asked though and was beet red, but he still asked.

D and I talked with him at length about it, and explained the possible causes, and that it was a good thing that my body held on for as long as it did, since my progesterone is and was such a large problem.

D took over the explanation of what happened including the having to pull over twice for me to get sick. FIL was surprised because well... D doesn't do puke real well.

So now we just have to get rid of the occasional awful cramps and the nausea and I'll be all set. Phenergan and vicodin are a wicked combo. D said that today was the first day since Friday that I looked human and had color... I'll take that as a compliment or should I just go hit him with a pillow?

Saturday, June 24, 2006

D was nice enough to post a brief message... I just read it and yes, I was snowed at that particular moment. He took excellent care of me, not that I doubted it, but I just have to give him some complements as he was truly fabulous yesterday. He also spoke with my mom, my sister, his mom, the blog world, my friends via email, and anyone else he felt needed to know how I was doing. He stayed by my side the entire day/night, made sure I ate and just took all around excellent care of me. He's a better nurse than i am for him.

D was able to go back with me while the d/c was being done, and that helped with my nerves, he was the one who said to them - "I think she's going to be sick" Which made them promptly grab a basin and hope that I didn't kind of thing. Things went as smoothly as could be expected. The valium in spite of taking it an hour early hadn't fully kicked in for a while... they started an IV on the first try which was great, and the fentanyl worked nicely as well. I did need some extra while he was in there, but all in all it went better than I hoped.

I asked about the antibiotic, because last time I had a script for one, and I didn't know if I needed one or not. I did... just 2 doses though which was good. I took that about a half hour before we left, and I think that's what made me throw up. We finally left there and D took a corner and we were driving straight and I just turned looked at him and said "pull over pull over" He promptly did, I opened the door and well the rest as they say is history. D was grabbing my cell phone dialing the doctor's office number trying to get a hold of the nurse who had taken care of me - once he did he had her call something in. However we still had an hour drive before we'd get where that prescription was.

So we started out again... and we weren't even out of the parking lot I had to yell - STOP again. Now D's starting to sweat as it's going to be a long drive if he has to keep doing that. Fortunately he gave me a few minutes, my stomach chilled out and off we went. Picked up my prescription and took some and by the time we got home my nausea was there - but much better. D also stopped and bought sea bands in the hopes that would help as well. They did to a certain extent, I was able to sleep in the car which was good and he didn't have to pull over on a busy stretch of highway which was also good.

So... I'm on the mend. I've got a list of questions for my doctor that I plan on taking with me for my appt... my RE does offer free counseling, however both D and I feel okay about this loss... or at least as okay anyone could be. Yes, this sucks, but we got farther than we've ever gotten before and for us that means something... like we're on the right track so to speak.

So pray for a quick cycle, as I'd like to cycle again soon and know I'm doing much better, D is thankful that I'm much better and so are the pups. Lola clung to me once I got home and Ernie tried to smother me with love... Chance tried to stand on my head and give me kisses... silly dogs.

Can't sleep... seriously I can't sleep. I thought about popping some vicodin and trying that, but decided nah that would ruin my sleeping off of tomorrow.

D is curled up sleeping beside me, the dogs are all smothering me by being stuck to my side tonight as they sleep. Me I'm wide awake. Most likely just nerves. I hate nerves. We've been moved up which is good I guess... although morning is never my time. Truthfully we haven't been moved up by that much. D's biggest hope is that I don't come out looking like hell or puking. D didn't handle the puking all that well last time - not sure what caused it... the methotrexate or the antibiotic that I was taking, but boy in the middle of an emotional discussion I had to run to the bathroom and all I heard from D was - Don't puke you just took your antibiotic." Gee thanks honey aren't you supposed to come hold my hair or something? My mother took the liberty of reminding D - she's a puker... and she doesn't give warning. Gee thanks mom. Make the poor guy even more nervous about all this. My friend M and the other M (one is a nurse, one is a paramedic) both offered to come over and help D if needed. He's got both their numbers. I doubt he needs them, but it was sweet of both of them to offer.

I can't sleep. So I'm scouring the web trying to look at various scrub tops. I did buy some off ebay and fortunately it looks like I like about 6 out of the 10 wich is a good start, but I want more... I want fun, fashionable scrubs. I want mock wrap tops... but prints... Scare me. Seriously I've NEVER warn prints before in my life. I'm a solid kind of gal, but with solids at my work that means white top, white lab coat. That's not fun for kids... that's scary. So prints it is. However I have some anxiety about the tops I can't help it. Prints make me nervous, don't know why, but they do. So I've been debating about 100 different scrub tops and patterns and prints and am just severely overwhelmed by the whole process. I'm also overwhelmed at buying new shoes. I have weird feet... they are short and they are wide. I have a high instep so somehow most of the brands that nurses like - such as dansko, merrel, nursemates... they won't fit my wide, high instep, short foot. Last week D tried valiently to find me a pair of white crocs size small... we couldn't find 1 pair. My favorite shoe - superbirki no longer comes in white and has turned a funky yellow tinge. This is the second pair that has done that. I don't want to waste a LOT of money on a pair of shoes I'll have to replace fairly quickly. I'm too cheap for that.

So... I scour... and I fret and I haven't made any decisions. D swears that the management of the hospital needs to go with me shoe shopping and after a visit to two stores they'd cry uncle and let me wear black ones. However the policy states - white shoes. So no black for me... though God wouldn't that make sense? Wouldn't that look more professional than scruffy shoes? You'd think. I doubt we'll ever win that argument. Patient's apparently like being able to identify who their nurse is... and on the adult floors that means - white shirt/coat, green pants or white pants... on the kiddies floors print top, green or white pants... both floors white shoes. They did a survey.

So... thank you for listening to the rambling rants of a sleep deprived, nut who can't figure out what to buy on the internet to wear to work... suggestions are welcome.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The other day (Tuesday) I had to go to a stupid computer class for a new charting system. I went after working all night. Since the class started at 8, I had a half hour to kill. I decided to go pick up my gonal-f from the hospital pharmacy. On my way there I walked past the valet, and almost to the hallway. A man who had a swollen, black and blue face said "Miss?" "Can you help me?" He had papers in his hands and as I walked up I nodded and said yes, how can I help you? I'll be honest he looked like hell... like someone had worked him over pretty well. His eyes were almost swollen shut, his one cheek was distorted and when he talked it sounded like his teeth were not lining up quite right. I looked at his paper and it was the name of the plastic surgeons that we use as burn doctors.... great group of guys who do great work and I knew they'd take good care of him. He wanted directions to where he could pick up his xrays as his appt was at 10 and he was homeless and had to get to the "drop off center" as they'd take him to the appt.

This whole time the valet guy is less than 10 ft away. I have NO idea where he'd go for those records so I asked the valet guy... he directed us to outpatient testing. I took the gentleman there. He kept going over and over that he was homeless and had to get the xrays for his appt, etc. Outpatient testing directed us to medical records. I took him there next. Both individuals that I spoke with regarding this man never acknowledged that this guy was even there, never offered to help him. I took him to medical records, asked if he knew how to get to the drop off center from here. Heck I think I would have given him a ride much to my husband's horror... (he was so worried about missing the appt if I hadn't had that class I probably would have.) He thanked me profusely and I went and picked up my gonal-f.

During this time 3 of my coworkers saw me with him. The first wondered where the heck I'd found my new friend... the other two knew what was going on and they started chuckling and I got an email asking if he was my new boyfriend. When I emailed them back with what had happened they both said - you did the right thing. He needed help and I somehow became the person he got the help from. I hope he made it to his appt. I also hope they're able to put his face back together again once the swelling goes down...

Today - Found us shopping... we purchased a new washer and dryer - front loading energy efficient. I wheeled and dealed and saved approximately $200 and have 24 months to pay it off with 0% interest... can we all say phew. My mom will take my old washer and dryer as hers are on their last legs.

D has his psych eval tomorrow... physical was yesterday all went well. Now we just have to keep our fingers crossed that that goes smoothly. I'm sure it will... but prayers and positive thoughts are always welcome.

My appt has been moved up to 10 a.m. on Friday. I swear we play musical appt's. This works great for us so at least we're able to move forward.

That concludes my odd occurrences of the week... how about you guys anything odd happen to you?

In August of 2001 I started working at the hospital I currently work for. I was finishing up a non traditional nursing program and working full time as a paramedic in an urgent care center. The hospital that owned the urgent care had offered me a position in their surgical ICU and I turned it down. I wanted to work ER.

I accepted a position and externship for the ER at the hospital I currently work for. My first shift at the ER was the worst way to start an orientation in my life... they put me with another extern and was having her orient me. Okay - bad move on their part. I left going if this is what orientation for this hospital is I want no part of it. A week later I met with an educator, the extern coordinator, and the woman who just took over managing my old unit. Her and I hit it off instantly... she recognized I had a lot of knowledge, and was intelligent, and that I was eager to learn. I agreed to do an externship in the trauma care/burn/neuro/surgical intensive care unit. I still was planning on going to ER once I had my nursing license.

Slowly they sucked me in, and recruited me to stay on. In the 4.75 years that I've worked there... TCU was my home. I left that home this morning for the last time and am moving to a new home. It was bittersweet... one of the nurses I worked with last night taught me how to admit... and by that I mean whenever she was in charge I ALWAYS got admits, transferred patients out, and admitted patients in... I learned how to do it quick and competently. When the shit was hitting the fan she was there by my side. I'm going to miss working with her on a regular basis.

I'm moving to the third floor from the first... it's a big change going from adults to kids... I'm up for the challenge and excited at the opportunity. I love kids... and if I can help them than that makes it worthwhile... Yes, it'll be hard when a child dies, or a family is given devestating news... but do you know what I think is the best part... You have a better shot with kids. Even when things are particularly grim kids are remarkable human beings that have a tremendous resiliency that adults just do not have. I may actually see some that just amaze me that they are able to survive and function and improve and be "normal" again... that's the part I'm looking forward to.

They did throw a goodbye party for me... Tuesday night... my last night. The day my RE wanted to do the d/c... I'm glad I fought to change the date because I would have felt awful to miss out on them saying goodbye... some having tears at my leaving.... and finishing it out on a good note.

Next week will be a week of changes both for me and for D... thankfully we're up for the challenge.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Now yesterday I vented about my husband... well today I get to say nope he's a fabulous guy...

He told both my mother and my in laws of the impending d/c. He told them because my mom - has been there, done that. My in laws... wanted us to come to birthdays. The people that are at birthdays are the LAST people I want to spend time with. I would probably be popping vicodin and say a FEW things that shouldn't be said. D doesn't want to be around them either. So he told them as well of what we're doing this Friday. My mil asked a bunch of questions that D didn't know the answer to, and my fil just said - are you guys doing okay? Which D promptly replied - yes, we've got each other and we keep each other sane. He also took the liberty of arranging to have this Friday off rather than going to work. Though he would have left me in my mom's capable hands and truly I'm rather capable of taking care of myself... it is nice to occasionally be pampered.

Today also found me refilling my gonal-f... just in case new insurance doesn't cover it... old insurance blessedly does.

Now on to the real questions - do I need to get preauthorization for an in office d/c? I have no clue about these things...

So still no going away party - maybe they won't have one... Someone wants to do an exit interview.. I'd hate to have to tell her one of the reasons why I'm leaving was her, but that'd be the truth...

Now lets see... since I'm doing a flashbacks kind of thing.. would you like to hear of my experiences with versed or valium? How I do with any sort of narcotic, benzo? Boy do I have a story to tell you...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Now here's the kicker of all this... wouldn't you think if you had a coworker leaving that may pick up extra hours now that her husband is actually living with her full time you'd be nice and make her last few days at work enjoyable... No... what do I get? I get the patient who appears to have moved into the hospital and 2 other patients... just to make sure I keep myself hopping so to speak.

Knobs... they're all knobs.

I also spent this morning on the phone with D... I love him truly - so when i say this take it with a grain of salt. D called to find out how much it would cost to brush hog our lot approx 1+ acre. Why? Well we have a yard of fields... er yard of weeds??? er field of yards? Either way it's tall, bushy and only God knows what's growing... I don't believe mary jane is so that's good. He quotes the price to me and my response of "So?" resonates on the phone... People we DO NOT have a lawn mower still and he wants to pay someone to come and do this... how about baby steps. Lets come up with a cheaper alternative... then do that and buy a lawn mower.

How sad is it that I've become the tightwad of the bunch... seriously I'm a spending kind of gal... ask anyone. I'm a spend spend spend spend kind of gal. After much talking he agreed to coming up with a cheaper alternative and promptly did, then we're on to discussions of the lawn mower. Again I hate yard work... when does it ever end??

Now seriously I had better go to bed as my Chateau Grand Traverse Late Harvest Riesling is so very good, I could probably drink the whole bottle... but won't.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Guess what - shockingly enough - my family "got it". My sister to be more specific. She called to wish me a happy birthday - my beautiful niece hopped on the phone to say "happy birthday Aunt S!" and then my sister and I got to talk for quite a while.

It was great. I told her our good news and our bad news. She was of course very happy about the good news and very sad about the bad. She went through a late second trimester loss with her first pregnancy and I believe also had a miscarriage in there as well. She asked how I was doing. I told her okay - just wanting to get things taken care of to move on to the next step so to speak. She said - ahhh Mom and Sam's (she's my half sister and has always called my dad even in death by his first name) philosophy on life. I chuckled and said yeah I guess.

She then related a story that I had forgotten... I was very close to my paternal grandma. She lived with us and watched me and read to me. I loved her. When I was 2.5-3 she died, suddenly in the middle of the night - just went to get up to get something from the table and slid to the floor. I was sleeping at the time, but apparently the story was told multiple times. My grandma was dead before she hit the floor. My father was very close to his mother. The day of her funeral someone decided to ask what happened (in regards to grandma)? Me being the ham that I was at that age demonstrated Grandma falling from the chair... conking myself on the head splitting my forehead wide open. My dad had two choices... he could let my mom take me to ER or he could take me to the ER and maybe miss his mother's funeral. He chose to take me to the ER and to the funeral holding me the entire time.

The other thing I remember about that day is that looking at Grandma I thought she was a wax model. I also thought she was coming back as a dog to protect me. Isn't it great how a kids mind works? I apparently though I'm Christian believed in reincarnation.. (I've grown out of it)

Also whenever I would get in trouble for misbehaving I would gather up all our dogs (yes we had multiple dogs) and take them and sit under the dining room table and pretend I was running away on the "doggy airplane" The whole time muttering about how bad my parents were because they weren't letting me do x. My parents of course laughed about these things and told D about them when he first met them. I think they were warning him that he'd have his hands full. About a half hour on the doggy airplane my parents would come and ask me to come out... I'd tell them we hadn't landed yet. Then land - come out and forget all about it. In other words I'd vent and get over it, moving on so to speak. So... D and I talk a lot of things to death then it's water in the bridge so to speak.

So if this doesn't make you think I was a hillarious kid I don't know what will. So tell me some wild stories from your childhood... don't birthday's just do that.

I could tell the story of when me and one of my friends was called hussies (hussys?) by my dad due to our low cut shirts and makeup. we'll save that for another day!

There is one person in the real world and the blogosphere that knows what that number is... I'll give you a hint... it's also my current age (that I just turned today) Not to shamelessly plug myself, but okay I am... gifts can be sent to...

In all seriousness birthday's have kind of lost their specialness once you hit 16, and 21... now I'm going good lord I've been out of school for 10 years now. Fortunately D is older than me by 3 weeks, but that means he's older than me doesn't matter that it's a brief period of time.

I'll wrap this up at the end and let you know my age and favorite number.

Regarding all the beautiful comments that have been made regarding the soon to be vacating of the not negative. My optimism is something I cling to... I think it's due to my sheer stubborness... this will not kill me, this will not destroy me. Yes, this sucks, but if I didn't truly believe down to the bottom of my toees that eventually things would work out... I wouldn't keep trying. I guess I should be more specific here - D and I wouldn't keep trying. We both are gemini's and both of us carry a couple of those traits very obviously -we're both logical and rational and optimistic. Yes there are some of the bad traits of gemini that I have as well, but we're not going to go that route today... because hell it's my birthday and I said so.

A close friend and I recently had a talk via email... about this eternal optimism and my lack of emotion regarding these losses... It's not that I'm not emotionally invested because I am. It's just that I tend to get through those emotions quickly - short attention span? and focus on what's next rather than focus on what happened. I've always done this. D and I cried about this after we got the shitty news... now we're focused on the what next. We have to get through the d/c next Friday and move on from there... The what is next... is another round of injectables (you know the one we were supposed to do after our "rest" cycle... well we'll have another rest cycle... which will involve actually resting -there will be NO more slip ups... and we're going to make our doctor work for his money... his job is to get us knocked up and have it actually work out and maybe even hold our hand through the process who knows... but we'll get through this. Eventually we will have a happy ending.

So we're still determined, we're still a little nutty, and we're still doing okay.

Now do you want to know my favorite number and how old I am? It's the number that I always had when I played softball or volleyball in school.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

All the wishes, hopes, promises of pony's couldn't make that sac grow... the ultrasound it wasn't good. It showed the sac and the yolk sac - about the same size as it was last week. The doctor initially said - well we thought you ovulated later right? I looked at him, and said NO... YOU thought I ovulated later. I was pretty certain of my dates. He shrugged and said "I guess I was beinig optimistic." I said yeah... and we thank you for that.

I almost asked him if I could drive his sports car... I figured if you're giving me shitty news the day before my birthday then I at least deserve to drive your sports car. I didn't ask. Maybe next week when I'm hopped up on valium I will.

So what's the plan you may ask... well I had two choices.. I could stop the progesterone and let nature take it's course - "expectant management" Yeah uhmm NO... since my body has bled for 3 weeks before with hcg levels continuing to go up not choosing that as my option just in case. Number 2 - in office d/c. We chose the in office d/c... which apparently is not as plush as the hospital d/c, but is quicker, and they still give good drugs. I signed up for the good drugs. That'll happen next Friday at approximately 1 pm.

There are a couple of other reasons why I'm postponing this... First tomorrow is my birthday. I would have done it tomorrow, but that wasn't possible. The second reason is that I'm supposed to work the last 4 nights on my old unit and somewhere in there is a going away party for Sami... I've spent 4+ years with these men and women and while they may piss me off, I don't want to leave by saying... yeah uhmm I need to go have a miscarriage - carry on without me. The third reason is that D has a physical on Tuesday for his new job as well as the psych interview on Thursday... I'd really like to not send him into either of those with anxiety issues or emotional baggage... though I fear I already am. So... we'll continue taking the progesterone... if bleeding were to start we'd stop and see what happens... however knowing my body - wouldn't care... bleeding means nothing.

So... do you guys want to hear my good news????

Yes in spite of the bad news today we did get some good news...

1. Pay cut will actually not be as large as we feared. Our dogs will not need to eat poor boy dog food, but can continue in the lap of luxury with the premium stuff we've been feeding him. D will not need to get a second job to make up the difference. 2. Health Insurance - appears to be the same as what we have currently through D's employer... which ROCKS... is WAY WAY WAY better than mine... so when this is all resolved we can start up another cycle of injectables without fear of landing our asses in the poor house.

Yes - we'll be resting a cycle then continuing on... I've come to some conclusions which may shock all of you because - well I think I've demonstrated myself to be quite the control freak...

When our next cycle occurs... I'll not be peeing on anything. No sticks. I'll schedule a beta and NOT have the results faxed to me. All I want to know - good or bad... no need to know numbers because well hell - numbers don't mean squat for me so we don't need to know about them. I'm going to trust my doctor's judgement and we may consider switching from the prometrium up the hoha to PIO... not sure about this one - briefly talked about it and all parties involved - (me, D, and doctor) are on the fence about it. We've got time... at least a month if not more.

So that's what's up in the 3 dog house... I hope your day was much more pleasant. I've already made plans for next year on this day that do not involve u/s, pregnancy tests, or anything remotely maternity related... I'm just saying.

Yes - this was our fault... apparently it was mostly mine because I didn't like the brand of condoms that were bought... that'll teach me. Lesson learned.

Stay tuned... birthday tales for tomorrow! Also - I'm doing fine... really. I grieved mostly last week about this because I knew. A week behind what I was 99% sure of... that's not good.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

My mother can attest to this, as I'm sure some of my friends, and I KNOW D would say that I'm many things... patient not one of them. Considering I asked him to marry me multiple times and bought the wedding dress before he ever asked me to marry him... (I knew he was a sure thing!)

Anyways the point of all this is that I'd love to fast forward and have the results and say either WOOHOO or BOO HISS... You've got to be kidding etc. I thought about calling and begging and asking if it was possible to move the appointment up and then my mom came home and announced "I'm going to go with you and D to church Wednesday night." First this made me speechless because my mom hasn't stepped foot into church for at least 8-10 months. The minister said something that ticked her off... don't ask - I'm not sure. You'd have to know my mom to know this was a monumental thing for her to say it to us. So when D heard this he looks at me and goes... we can't reschedule, we just have to take what we've got and hope for the best.

If you imagined my smile of torture you'd be about right. So no on the reschedule... D felt it was more important to go to church and count our blessings... and to hopefully get my mom less angered at the minister. With us gone she's going to need adult interaction.

So did I tell everyone that my husband agreed to this new position without asking about wages, benefits, probationary period, etc. Seriously... he said yes and didn't have a CLUE how much he'd be getting paid per hour... If you can imagine me wanting to strangle him you'd be right. Those are big things to ask... how about - does your benefits include infertility coverage because my wife really wants that included... Oh and it'd be nice if her doctor was a participating provider both the RE and the OB/Gyn who's her family doc.

Nope he didn't call back and ask those questions...He called and found out that they're in negotiations right now with their contract and the chief gave him some figures which ended up that he'll most likely be taking a pay cut. On the bright side benefits start on the first day he works... so that's good. No clue WHAT those benefits are, but at least they start when he does. Always having to find the bright side... I guess the best part of all this is that in 3 weeks D will be waiting for me whenever I come home in the morning... and that makes whatever the pay cut is worth while...

Monday, June 12, 2006

3 years ago D and I started dating... at that time he lived with his parents on the East side of the state while I lived on the West side. Eventually D rented a house and then now he lives with my mom in my hometown where he currently works, while I live on the West side of the state in "Our" home that we built together. We spread our time between these two places. It sucks. D has been trying for about 2.75 of the years that we've been together to find work on the West side of the state.

In that time period I have learned many new swear words to call law enforcement background checks and the entire interview process... It was more invasive than a colonoscopy without anesthetic. I helped fill out the 40+ pages and seriously it's none of your business what kind of debt I have or don't have or what kind D has either for that matter. Culminating to us discussing why we would or wouldn't apply somewhere. Lets be honest as far as skeletons go... I'm the only skeleton in D's closet and since I'm living - not a skeleton. My husband is squeaky clean. He never drank before he turned 21, he's only been legally drunk probably 1 time and that was after a break up, and he's NEVER done drugs... ever. While I can say I've never done drugs, I can safely say that I've been over the legal limit more times than he has and it was probably before I was over 21.

One of the first background checks I had the pleasure of sitting in on involved the detective doing the background ask D if he paid child support because one of the questions he answered on a test indicated that he did... and there was no mention of it in his packet. D about spit out the coffee he was drinking and I yelled from another room... "I'd like to hear his answer on this one and unless he's paying child support on the cat his parents would too." Ultimately D bombed the second or third interview (this process of screwing with us took about 6 months from start to finish with written tests, oral boards, physical agility, another interview, the background, and then another interview) and D was not offered the position. After waiting 2 years he decided to reapply in spite of my reservations and well went to the interview and a cocky SOB asked why he hadn't filled out page 37 out of the 60 pages in the background packet... That was that guy's only question.

No, he didn't get that position either.

Anyways so this has been an extremely huge blow to D's ego. He's a great police officer, and he's a great guy... too good for those pricks in the nearby city. He tests well, goes to the interview and for whatever reason things don't go the way he hoped. So we were at that point of why are we putting ourselves through this. With the economy the way it is most departments are laying off rather than hiring so why keep putting ourselves through this when you have a stable job.

Apparently God had other plans becuase...

Last week D received a call saying a department that he interviewed with back in March or April... and they were going to start a background check on him if he was still interested in the position. This department is about 40 minutes away from "Our" home. D said yes. Then... he got an email saying that an officer from a neighboring county had contacted one of his references and he was number 1 on the hiring list.

Now with the "not negative" and this news D started getting twitchy... panicky... etc call it whatever but he was freaking a bit.

I had to pull out my worst case scenario cards. I pointed out that right now we've had one good thing come to fruition - my getting a new job. So 1/3 not bad.

Best case - he gets the position - we learn to live together full time and he learns how to do laundry including folding it and grocery shopping and he takes out the garbage!!!! Worst case - he doesn't and we continue on as we have - no change.

Best case - the "not negative" keeps growing and in 2007 we have a b. Worst case- the "not negative" goes tits up and we schedule a d/c. I get better drugs this time... we're talking valium or xanax for the night before and the morning of.

He felt better after hearing those things - because really both of these things would be great if we have them occur, but if they don't it doesn't change "us" we're the same... together and that's the part that matters most. Our relationship wouldn't change with the worst case cards... yes, it'd change with the best case but that's a good thing.

Today a message was left by the Chief of one of the departments...

D called back... he was offered a position. He accepted. We're finally after almost 2 years of marriage going to live full time together soon.

So... 2/3 not bad... we'll see what Thursday brings, but for right now... we're riding high with this news, because I really love spending time with my husband and the thought of being able to sleep with him 7 days a week (we work nights guys) is the sweetest thing I can think of.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Well at least one thing is now knocked off my list of things to do... I have updated my links - there is a new category. This category is entitled Places to Learn and Do... I know not very creative, but I figured Go - Sign Up or I'll kick your butt just didn't flow well.

In all seriousness the three links that are listed were the best that I could find, that didn't drum medical information down your throat, but were able to speak to everyone. At least everyone in the US... if you're in other countries I am not familiar with the laws so these may be stepping stones for you.

So since I'm on a safety/info kick... brain injuries (concussions to major head injuries) are a leading cause of death and disability worldwide. A lot are preventable... wearing helmets while biking or riding a motorcycle is a perfect example of this. It's not like it hasn't been drummed into our conscious if you ride a bike you should wear a helmet. I've seen someone die from a regular bike accident. His organs were donated. He was in his 20's. I get angry when I see parents riding bikes with their kids - the kids have their helmets on... the parents have nothing. What kind of example is that setting for the kids? When I'm out of mom and dad's eye sight I'll take it off. Not to be the voice of doom, but that's exactly what happens - the kid decides not to wear the helmet while skating, biking, rock climbing, etc and boom falls down - hits his/her noggin and then it's a totally different child than the one you had a few hours prior... or you lose your child.

Most of the things I'm passionate about are near and dear to my heart for reasons... Head injuries are this way because my oldest brother was almost killed after a horrific accident involving a car. J is a little different. This injury occurred when he was under 5 and as my mom who feels guilty about the accident though it was not her fault and her ex husband have both said that J is not the same as he was before the accident. I never knew him before the accident (he's 14 years older than me) so once I became a nurse and started working with head injured patients I thought - hmm these guys are acting just like my brother does. J has some common sense issues, short term memory issues, reading issues, and a very short fuse. J is a great man, great brother, and I love him, but he drives me batty at times. I say this because he does... he calls and leaves messages for my mom that start with... "Hi Mom it's your son J... I'm sorry I haven't called, just checking blah blah blah blah, I'm sorry etc" I'm sorry comes out of his mouth about 15 times in a 1 minute conversation. D asked if my mom beat him as a child... she didn't. She did wash his mouth out with soap, but that's a story for another time. No one knew what kind of lasting effects his head injury would have and no one bothered to educate J or my mom about them... it would have made their lives so much easier if they had been provided education, but at the time there wasn't that knowledge. If I can prevent one family from having those same issues as mom and J then I accomplished what I wanted to.

Organ donation... well that's tricky. My dad after having chemo one of his kidney's was fried and the other was functioning at about 80%. Fortunately he didn't need a transplant, however we talked about the what if's, and I would be the only possibility of a living donor because my dad was an only child and I am an only biological child, we also have the same blood type so the possibility was there that I would be a match. I would have done it in a heartbeat if it meant that he'd have 1 more week, month, year, whatever. It never came to that his 80% kidney was functioning great. However I and my husband are both signed up as organ donors and have broached the topic of doing live donation if the opportunity ever presented itself.

Advanced Directives - well that's simple... I see so many people come in without them, then they aren't able to make those decisions for themself and their families are left going - What would he/she want done? Doctors pressing families to trach or put in a feeding tube and come to find out that's not what the patient would want. Preventing that is something that I want to do... I want everyone to make their wishes known. I don't like facing my own mortality, but lets face it... we all are going to die sometime - lets do it on our own terms rather than having people guessing. We can keep people alive for an extremely long time... and our definition of alive versus your definition of alive are way different.

When I talk about advanced directives I think of a patient that I had a few years ago... I remember his name R... he had the silkiest silver hair. He had been diagnosed with cancer but was in the hospital with congestive heart failure and pneumonia... he was modest (never let me see his parts very discreet) He was miserable, he knew that he'd done this to himself (smoking = lung cancer), didn't want any sympathy, was exceedingly polite and sweet, and he felt bad for his current wife because he felt she hadn't signed up for this. He was a flirt... in a completely benign way. The last night of my stretch on he was tired. He felt as if he was nearing the end. He had a pacemaker and he talked with me, cried with me, thanked me and gave me a hug for taking care of him. He asked to have his pacemaker turned off. He'd had enough. He died on his own terms, with his family by his side - understanding why he needed to go at that particular time. The doctors followed his wishes and it was a peaceful death with hospice. I'll always remember him, his room number, and his full name. He made a lot of nurses cry... he was just a nice man who taught us about end of life care and how to provide it and how we'd want things to be handled if we were in the same boat.

See even the sad patients bring a smile to my face... I think of his hair and I smile, it was silky and beautiful color. My husband when I tell him these stories smiles and shakes his head... I'm in a trauma/surgical/neuro/burn intensive care unit for goodness sake don't I have blood and guts stories... yes - yes, I do, but some of the people that leave there mark do so for different reasons and most of the times it's not the patients, but their families that leave a mark on me... because sometimes I can't help the patient, but I can help the family.

So go - check out those sites and hopefully learn something. I know browsing through the three websites I learned something new.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Since I'm ignoring the "not negative" at this point - aside from taking my prometrium and vitamins like a good doobie. I truthfully have no symptoms other than an occasional boob twinge and peeing more frequently. All of you that have symptoms - congratulations, no need to send them my way until well we have some confirmation that this "not negative" will stick and hasn't gone to the bermuda triangle.

Anyways...my point of this post wasn't to go on and on about the not negative. It's there, hasn't left the uterus yet and well we'll know definitively next week what it's doing or not doing so to speak. So that's just a countdown - 6 days till we find out one way or the other.

I mentioned briefly in my last post that this weekend at work was tough. It was tough for a number of reasons, but working in a unit that deals with trauma you see a lot of drama, tragedy, etc. This unfortunately was the case this weekend for me. It left me drained. By Wednesday morning it's a good thing I didn't become a blubbering mess during the u/s. My emotions were that RAW. Raw because I had to be the nurse doom and gloom. I had to tell this family that their loved one would never be the same person and would most likely never wake up. I HATE being that nurse, but I WON'T ever lie to a family when asked questions. This family bonded with me. They trusted me, they let me in and talked with me about their emotions. If I would have told them that their loved one would one day wake up... I would have been lying to them. Their loved one hadn't ever talked about what he would want done or wouldn't want done.

I asked the question - "What is the WORST that he could be that you are okay with?" Think about it yourself... if something were to happen to you what is the WORST condition that you could be in that you would be okay with? Everyone is different. We have these wonderful legal documents called Advanced Directives... have one drawn up, tell your families what you want and don't want. Seriously on a daily basis I see people that are 18-99 come in the hospital and some have these papers which makes it easier for the families... and other's don't. Which makes it that much more difficult for your loved ones. You don't want to make those kind of decisions harder for your family than it needs to be. D and I have talked about ours, but have not had them notarized yet. They will be shortly. I'm pushing his parents and my mom to have theirs completed as well.

I know I know it seems like all I ever talk about is death, but truthfully this isn't about death it's about having your wishes followed if you're not able to make those decisions for whatever reason. It's telling people what you want or don't want. Those are always good things. My advance directive reads like a horror show and involves something along the lines if you hear these words x, x, x, call M and she'll help you make the decision to yank my plug.

One of the other things I'm encouraging all to do is sign up as organ donors if that is something you would want to do... that way the decision is no longer in your families hands - but you've made the decision and your wishes then can be followed. Michigan has an organ donor registry... not all states do. Do a google search and find out if yours does and if you would want to be an organ donor if your life were to end sign up and let your families know. You'd be surprised at what can actually be transplanted even when you're in your 70's. I recently had a patient that if you would have asked me they wouldn't have been able to, however he had one organ that was viable and was able to be transplanted. His family took comfort from him being able to help someone else.

Yes, yes, I know nurse doom and gloom is back, but really I'm not. I'm letting you guys know some of the issues that are near and dear to my heart- (see I'm more than just infertility). I'm going to update my lists of places I visit... there's going to be an organ donation link (this weekend), a traumatic brain injury (TBI) website, and maybe if I can find a good one an advanced directive website... Some has to do with the past weekend, but most of all it has to do with the last 5 years of my life as a nurse. I see families on a daily basis lacking the information and knowledge because they never talked about these things... Yes, they are uncomfortable conversations that generally involve someone knocking on wood, however they are important conversations that you need to have with those you love before the decision is taken out of your hands.

Most of the women who read this blog are up to date on infertility and reproductive health matters... lets keep learning about other things as well... So... I'll put a note up when I add the links and I hope you visit them. Ya never know you might learn something...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

However fatigue from being up for 24 hours straight had set in. I couldn't come up with a coherent thought let alone what to say.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Good news it is... It's in the uterus! Yeah at least we can land something in my cheap motel mattress of a uterus. This was a phew wipe your forehead moment.

The bad news: By my calculations I should be 6 weeks 3 days... you should see a heartbeat with that kind of dating...

By the ultrasounds calculations I'm 5 weeks 4-6 days. we didn't see a heartbeat. So that means we go back next week... and hope that there's a heartbeat. That my calculations were "off".

The part that sucks about all this is the u/s is scheduled for the day before my birthday. My birthday is Friday. Last year on the day before my birthday I was having a d/c and waking up to surprise it's ectopic. If the "not negative" has gone tits up then I could in theory be having a d/c on my birthday. This would make for 2 birthdays in a row of suckage. I hope that's not the case, but either way we'll deal with it. We're hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

So sorry no party hats at this time... no celebrations. Some relief that the ticking time bomb so to speak is not going to blow up in my fallopian tube, but we shall see what next week brings.

We are doing okay. I say this because it's the truth. D and I are great communicators. He fortunately gets this though everytime he hears me say something remotely negative he goes "Shhhh it might hear you and have it's feelings hurt." If you can imagine me shaking my head you'd be right. I told D "I promised it a pony if it would ignore any negative comments that came out of my mouth." His eyes got wide "A Pony????" I then added... I may have neglected to tell it that "the pony in question is actually a dog named Ernie!" He started laughing LOUD in the restaraunt that we were in... and almost spit out his lemonade.

Now on to the funny things that happened today... My RE almost walked in with me standing there in my top and nothing else. I say almost because I had the sheet in my hand, pants off, and I don't know that I've ever moved that quickly to have my ass on a table properly covered. D laughed... a LOT...

While the RE was manning the dildo cam... and once he found what he was looking for. I asked - "Could that be a pseudosac?" He looked at me... and goes "Someone has been reading too much." I laughed, D laughed, and I then decided to do my snappy comeback of... "You would to if you'd had an ectopic." So then he pointed out the reasons why he didn't THINK it was an ectopic, but an implantation in the uterus. I thought thank you for teaching - I like to learn. And his response made sense which is good.

We like our RE a LOT... any doctor that can get us to laugh is a miracle. We feel comfortable with him and I know that no matter what next week brings we'll be fine and he'll have a plan for us either way whether it's good news or bad news. The only thing that will change for us if this does go badly is that D and I will NEVER again have unprotected sex in the month of May. If we spend 2 years in a row having bad things happen... unprotected sex will be pushed to the backburner in that specific month. D laughed when I said that then goes - no that sounds like a good idea if this does go badly.

Now... I'm going to go get some more sleep... This stretch of work has left me almost... emotionally bankrupt. While if this "not negative" does end it will hurt, and it would be unfair, but it's not as unfair or as bad as the tragedies that I seen this weekend... and for that I am thankful. No matter what happens with this "not negative" We (meaning D, me, and the "not negative" have made it farther than we ever have... and I don't have to have a battery acid shot to the ass... and both of those things are "good" things.

Don't you just love perspective. Last year if I was living in limboland I don't think I would have thought of things like this, but this year... has helped to teach me that there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do... so we're going to be thankful for the little things and hope for the best, but anticipate the worst. I feel better having a plan. Because really limboland is no fun... and we'll be here live and in concert at least for a week.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Welcome to the planetWelcome to existenceEveryone's hereEveryone’s hereEverybody's watching you nowEverybody waits for you nowWhat happens next?What happens next?

(Chorus)I dare you to runI dare you to runI dare you to lift yourself up off the floorI dare you to runI dare you to runLike today never happenedToday never happened before

Welcome to the falloutWelcome to resistenceThe tension is hereThe tension is hereBetween who you are and you could beBetween how it is and how it should be

(Chorus)I dare you to runI dare you to runI dare you to lift yourself up off the floorI dare you to runI dare you to runLike today never happenedToday never happened before

Maybe redemption has stories to tellMaybe forgiveness is right where you fellWhere can you run to escape from yourself?Where you gonna go?Where you gonna go?Salvation is here

(Chorus)I dare you to runI dare you to runI dare you to lift yourself up off the floorI dare you to runI dare you to runLike today never happenedToday never happened before

That's where I feel I am... someone's in the corner of my head... daring me to run. I have this song constantly playing in my head. Oddly enough I've heard this song recently after attending a neuro conference where a great speaker showed this video which had this song playing, showing traumatic brain injury patients and their survival. While the today that I'm talking about that has me stuck... is actually the events of the last year... I'm trying to take the challenge and run... and some moments I do, others not so much. Most moments I just say NBHHY...

Ultimately things are never in my hands... they're in God's... and whatever tomorrow brings whether it be good or bad... I'm still daring myself to run... and trying to pretend that today never happened.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Apparently I work with a bunch of motor mouths... now this is not news to me, but it was quite a shock to walk into work and have 3 people say "I heard a rumor... is it true?"

The rumor of course was that I was leaving to go to PICU... and yep it was true. Right now my current manager and my future manager are in negotiations as to when I can go to PICU... my current manager wants to keep me through the summer... my future manager won't let that happen. So sometime this summer I'll be on orientation. I didn't much like orientation in the first place, but it's all good... I'll have plenty of NEW things to learn and become familiar with as well as get my own routine going up there.

It'll be different. Different is good... and they're excited to have me. I'm excited to have them.

On the "not negative" front... I have to be honest with all of you... I'm putting up a front. It's my way of protecting myself. My husband knows this and probably some of my friends do as well. Hope is something I've always lived with... no matter what the item on the agenda was... the "not negative" I'm hoping I'll soon be able to use the "ositive" word for... I'm a chicken and I'm okay with that... We say our prayers and send up positive thoughts and ask God to look out for the "not negative" also telling him we understand if it's not meant to be... because we do, but hoping against all the odds that somehow we finally end up with something good... something miraculous.

Recurrent pregnancy loss is something that will always be with me... some of the things it's brought to me are good... some are bad. The good - a husband that truly is with me... the bad - an ob history that makes novice ob residents cringe... the good - faith that eventually it will all work out that... the bad - that awful fear that something will go wrong with a pregnancy...