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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Bros demand perfection. If it were up to us, every fucking girl in the World would look like #95 Kate Upton. Seriously, what is all this talk about how people coming in all shapes and size is such a good thing? Who in their right mind wouldn’t love seeing hot blond girls with huge racks everywhere they fucking go? But instead, we’re forced to hold back our #48 vomit as orca whales with ratty ass hair and faces that remind you of fucking Eeyore walk by us on the street. I mean, seriously, how do these beasts actually enter the world? Like how is the father even able to get a fucking erection before he mounts his hideous wife? There’s not enough Viagra in the world to allow me to bang some of these “women”/mothers out there. Honestly, what’s so bad about only allowing hot people to reproduce? What are unattractive people thinking when they have children? “Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s give the World what it really needs, another fat girl!” Such fucking bullshit. Don’t you think we’d all be better off if every girl trying to get pregnant had to submit their picture on HotorNot.com and leave it up to the professional judges? Sadly, we live in an unjust World, where everyone is legally allowed to have kids, no matter how fucking busted they are. So, since bros don’t have the luxury of constantly banging equally genetically superior beings, we have to pick and choose what we like about them. Sometimes we’ll even compromise our high standards just because our potential slam piece excels in one particular area of her appearance. While bros don’t believe in charity, they can always make exceptions if the girl has an outstanding case of their favorite body part.

I always love it when girls ask me, “So what do you look for in a girl?” Obviously they’re looking for some bullshit answer like, “Well, she has to be smart,” or “A great personality!” but I give them the truth, “I mean, most importantly, she HAS to have a big rack.” Most of the time they’ll get really offended and shit, but that’s probably just because they’re dealing with fucking bee stings. The truth is, I’m a fucking bro and I know what I want, so I put that shit out there. Bros can deal with other genetic disasters like a big nose or a bad haircut as long as their favorite body part more than makes up for the girl’s other unspeakable atrocities. Let’s take a look at a few of bros’ favorite body parts.

Face – Now guys who say the face is the most important body part to them are most likely the most desperate and have the lowest standards. Asking your bro if the girl he banged last night was hot, only to have him tell you, “I mean, she’s got a cute face” tells you one thing: she’s a fucking fatty. Back in the days of AOL Instant Messenger, you could always tell the fat girls by them having some form of “QT” or “cutiepie” attached to their screen name. The face can work the other way, too. Much like a paraplegic can learn to walk, girls can overcome their seemingly crippling disability of having an ugly face by excelling in other categories.

Ass – Up until the last couple years, I had never really been that much of an Ass man. I used to always wonder why guys were so into something whose primary purpose was shitting. But never fear girls, if all you’ve got to offer is a big butt, you’re in luck, because #94 Black guys will definitely bang you. I’ve seen this shit with my own eyes. A couple of my Black friends (that’s right FRIENDS, so you can’t call me racist) recently became very fond of a woman who they described as “perfect.” After weeks of hearing about what they would do to her if given the chance, I saw her. She reminded me of Stifler’s Mom after packing on roughly 150 pounds. She was disgusting, but she did have a big ass, which undoubtedly had more cottage cheese than an entire fucking Kraft factory. Anyways, long story short, one of the guys ended up banging her in some parking lot even though she’s married! See girls, dreams do come true!

Boobs – Having a girl with a big rack hanging out of her low cut dress approach you at the bar is like getting fucking tasered. You can’t form words since all you’re thinking about is those motherfuckers bouncing up and down and sometimes you even start drooling. The perfect pair of tits can make up for a shitty face or legs worse than fucking Heather Mills’s, because quite frankly, you’re not paying any attention to that shit. Why do guys love a big set of milk-makers? I have absolutely no clue, we just do. I always wonder why actresses in mainstream movies are much more willing to show off their cans than ever exposing their vagina on camera. I mean, it’s definitely fine by me, but what the fuck are they hiding? Do they think we can tell how many guys they’ve banged just by seeing it onscreen? What is it, like fucking Arby’s down there? Anyways, the point is any girl with a big rack should wear that shit like a badge of fucking honor.

Since it doesn’t appear that society will be appeasing bros’ simple request that all women be bred to look like models anytime soon, once again we’re forced to adjust to it’s unjust practices. By developing a favorite body part, we’re able to accommodate girls who previously would have thought that bros were out of their league. Some day, we’ll live in a perfect world where all girls are as attractive as bros, until then, we’ll just have to be optimistic and enjoy that half-full glass of great fucking tits.

Especially the part about fatties and their stupid AOL screen names. You took the words right out of my mouth. Every fat bitch in my freshman dorm had "QT" or "cutie" or some other stupid variation thereof in their IM screen name. Every one. And it was always only the fat bitches - never the hot ones.

Ladies, having "cutie" as part of your screen name is like wearing a sign that says "I have a BMI above 30". It's bad enough that we get a visual reminder of your jelly rolls when we see you at parties - now you're extending that reminder to the internet as well.

Don't forget the feet. A hot girl with nice tits, a nice ass, a nice face, and some nice proportional feet will do the trick. Can't forget nice feet to go with the under-the-table footjobs. They can't be ugly because it's disrespectful for slampieces to flick you off with their toes.

can't forget about the legs, God created leggings and skin tight jeans for a reason: for slampieces to wear in hopes of getting banged by bro. And Kate Upton is fucking mint but you can't forget about Brooklyn Decker

Honesty is key to a bro. no matter the circumstances, tell the bitch how it is. Tell her if she has tits like a 10 year old boy or if she has melons tell her you want to throw some barbecue sauce on them and motorboat away.