WASHINGTON — The really confusing thing about these congressional hearings into all the global-scale catastrophes lately is figuring out on which side of the grand dais the good guys are sitting.

In yesterday’s hearings of sham outrage over the Gulf oil spill, the answer, once again, was neither side.

The only good guy, actually a gal in this case, was the oil-smeared screamer carted out by all fours after she went berserk in the back row the moment BP CEO Tony Hayward began his long, languid apology.

Even mired in toxic p.r. sludge, Hayward had sauntered into the hearing room — past sign-waving demonstrators in oil-rig hardhats — buoyed by a strange confidence that was out of kilter with the disaster in his wake.

But he softened each callous blow-off with an “I’m afraid,” as in “I’m afraid I don’t know” or “I’m afraid I can’t answer that.”

Finally Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-Fla.) inquired of Hayward if it was Thursday.

The CEO of one of the largest companies on the planet was able to confidently affirm that, yes, it was Thursday.

But even then Hayward did not seem particularly invested in his answer.

President Obama could win an Oscar for dramatic performance of operatic proportions if only he were up against this guy’s dead-fish demeanor.

Facing Hayward and leading the inquiry into the worst environmental disaster in the nation’s history were members of the very congressional committee responsible for overseeing every aspect of the drilling operation that led to this catastrophe.

Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) got right to the important message of the day.

“We are not small people,” he told Hayward.

Then Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) managed to find some way to apologize to Hayward and BP.

Not to be outdone, Rep. Ed Markey (D-Mass.) called the US response the “American government working at its best.”