Yeah America, I’m talking to you. Okay, look dude, I really just want to be cool like you. That, plus everyone around me is hungry and it bums me out. So let’s grab a cheeseburger and hang out. Deal?

Don’t you get it. No? Well then you’re gonna get it. Don’t you mess with me, America. I’m in a fighting mood. In fact, I’ll meet you down on the playground in ten minutes. You will? Well, um, okay, I’ll let you know about that.

I just remembered. I got a thing. But I’m telling you, you’ll be hearing from me.

Consider this. I have already befriended American royalty, Sir Dennis Rodman, the Duchess of Detroit. If you will just meet me for a cheeseburger and beer, you will also see how cool I am.

If you, America, will meet me for a cheeseburger, I will even quit pretending the giant pencil from our giant pencil factory is a missile. I’ll also quit pretending that my geraniums are uranium. Come on, dude. You know all this.

Since you have been so willing to humor me, can’t we just get together and watch a Miami Heat game? Oh, and can you bring the cheeseburgers? We don’t have any.

I mean it, America. I damn you. I hereby declare it so. How’s that feel?

One more thing. Hey China! Dude. Let’s grab some Chinese food. Do you know where I can get any?

Dennis Rodman, as secretary of state for the nation of Freecheezeburgerz, was given a suitcase full of cheeseburgers and one assignment. Pick a best friend.

That is how our president, me, ended up in a fantasy basketball league with Kim Jong Un. The point is that you can give a suitcase full of cheeseburgers to virtually anyone and make peace with absolutely anyone else. This has now been proven.

As a country, Free Cheezeburgerz did not set out to make peace with anyone. What’s the point of that? Our country just wanted a new friend.

There are so many nations, it can make your head spin. That is why our nation chose Dennis Rodman as secretary of state. He has enough piercings in his head to stop it from spinning.

Our country honestly thought finding a best friend would be a deliberative process by Dennis Rodman, as if he was signing with an NBA team. We figured he’d get a high-powered agent involved in the negotiations with multiple countries, and there would be all sorts of gamesmanship as these countries vied to be our new best friend. Our country even thought of hiring Jim Gray to do a show on ESPN. We could call it, The New Best Friend Decision.

The truth is, Free Cheezeburgerz is a bit of a novice at being a country but we like sports. So after we declared our independence, and I was unanimously elected president, we received a resume from Dennis Rodman, and we had an epiphany.

We need a foreign policy, we thought.

Naturally, Dennis Rodman was the best person to represent Freecheezeburgerz all over the world. Still, when he returned and said Kim Jong Un wants us to call him and talk basketball, we sarcastically asked if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was too busy. Dennis Rodman said yes.