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Thursday, June 29, 2017

We Ended Our Relationship

Until I drafted this post, I thought
the little red square button on my corporate bank office telephone read RIS. I
always wondered what words stood behind the RIS acronym.

I hit that RIS button at 4:40 p.m. on
Monday, May 8th, to end my attachment to that day’s conference call. Immediately, the
other line rang. And rang. And rang. Working mother guilt assaulted me from
the working side and the mother side. Tired and wanting to go home to
Tall Child, Sharky, and Gnome, but feeling obligated to my clients, I answered,
hoping the conversation would be quick. It was.

“[Bank], this is Bug, may I help you?”

“Hey Bug, this is Sweet Christmas in
human resources. Can you meet Boss Bob and H.R. Bob in the human resources department at
9:30 a.m. tomorrow?”

“I can. Why?”

“I have no idea, Bug. They didn’t tell
me.”

Of course they don’t tell Sweet
Christmas anything. God forbid she turn Paul Revere on them and spread helpful
info to hardworking East Tennessee bankers. God forbid she comfort anyone.

My stomach turned, partly for
psychosomatic reasons, and partly from the ulcer my doctor diagnosed only one
week before. I searched my memory. What
have I done wrong? Has one of my employees—Adele, Mama Bear, Fire Woman, or
Baby Caddy—done something wrong? Is the bank relocating me? Am I about to get…?
No. Surely not.

I called my manager, Boss Bob. Voice mail. I sent him a
text. No reply. I called Sweet Christmas and asked for some insight. She said,
“I’m sorry this is giving you anxiety.”

I said, “Well, they need to find a
more gentlemanly way to schedule these types of meetings. It is rude and
disrespectful to have me wonder all night why I’m headed to human resources in the morning.”

As a bank branch manager, one has
limitless opportunities to fail. I had little time to ponder those
opportunities, because I had to meet a colleague for supper at El
Jimador. That was the perfect time to sink into a salt-rimmed tequila bath, but
I had to stay sober and professional. She and I were headed to the library to
teach Habitat for Humanity applicants banking and money management basics.

I wrapped up the mentoring session at 8:15 p.m., and drove 45
minutes home. I bathed Gnome, cleaned up the house, watched a TV show with Tall
Child, and checked Sharky’s grades. I went to bed. I worried.

Tuesday morning, May 9, I took my boys
to their schools and drove to the bank’s main office parking lot. I called
Delicious, who counseled, “Whatever this is, you’ll handle it with intellect
and poise. Be calm, but don’t let them talk down to you. You needed help, and
they made excuses.”

You see, my little five-person branch
was short a head teller for most of my time there. That forced one of the two
sales people (Adele and me) to work as a teller for a stretch of time each day.
It’s a bit difficult to make outbound sales calls on the phone and in person
while physically installed behind bullet-resistant glass. Plus, that time in
teller windows caused follow-up and paperwork backups in our stated jobs,
branch manager and financial services specialist. I hated to, but pestered the
helk out of Merlin the Administration Magician to get help when one of my teammates was sick or on vacation. I covered
Adele for lunch. Adele covered the tellers for lunch. No one covered me. Forgive me, but doesn’t it seem counterproductive and
counter intuitive to delegate up the chain of command? When I repeatedly communicated the urgent need for help to human resources and upper management, I heard, “Staffing will always be an
issue.”

Nothing should “always be an
issue.” Imagine other industries making such a ridiculous excuse.

Bubonic plague will always be an
issue.

The Kings of England will always be an
issue.

Boll weevils will always be an issue.

If opposing countries can sign peace
treaties, can’t banks hire more tellers? Shouldn’t executives who make eight times what a teller makes be problem solvers?
Why is the undercompensated teller doing all the compensating for the executive's lack of compassion and creativity. Isn’t good employee morale profitable?

PEOPLE are everything.

Hire some.

At 9:25 a.m., I rode the elevator to
the second floor and waited for the meeting with Boss Bob and H.R. Bob. I waited at least fifteen minutes. Then they small talked me into the office and discussed some type of software for another five minutes. I
thought, Respect my anxiety and my time.
Get on with this.

They got on it with, alright. I heard,
“As you know, your branch did not meet fourth quarter incentive sales goals…so
you were put on a performance plan…and first quarter your branch missed the
minimum incentive plan goal, so we are ending our relationship.”

“Ending...with me? So, I’m fired?”

“You no longer work for [the bank]. We
are letting you go.”

Yes, they let me go. Girls,
always let the guy break up with you. That way, he can suffer in doubt and
regret for the rest of his life.

I got my A$$ fired! Funny thing is, as
embarrassing as it was, I was completely at peace. Truth be told, my soul wasn’t in that job. My soul was in it as
much as I could do what I do best: create, teach, befriend, advise, laugh, and
write.

As H.R. Bob rambled through his script
(banks employ lots of scripts these days) “keys, combos, … you can collect unemployment…look
for a packet in the mail…,” I perked up, thinking, I don’t have to play "Frogger" down Alcoa Highway today. Oh, if they
stop talking soon enough, I can eat lunch at home in my rocking chair and watch
"Ellen."

Outwardly, I listened and contributed
to that great black cloud of a conversation. Inwardly, I silver-lined the whole ridiculous situation.

H.R. Bob said, “Do you have any questions?”

I should have asked, "Why, when my team was struggling to hit minimums, did you send Adele to another branch for two weeks and leave me alone with only two tellers?" Instead, I said, "I find it illogical that someone of my character and integrity is being fired when [unnamed crook at another branch] is still employed here. Really, he's so crooked you fired his wife."The Bobs' chins dropped a little, but they were silent. Actually, Boss Bob spoke fewer than ten words in the entire meeting.I then said, "I have some requests.” I
proceeded to lobby for my crew: Adele, Mama Bear, Fire Woman, and Baby Caddy.
Case by case, I gave specific warnings and implored them to take
better care of that little team.

I never stole, cheated, lied, caused a
loss, put junk on the books, mistreated anyone, or jeopardized my Christian
values. I am proud of how I treated employees, coworkers, and customers. I am
proud of how I ran that tiny branch. We didn’t meet incentiveplan minimum goals
(by 3.7%), but we were profitable each year and twelve months rolling by 9-10%. (I think. It's hard to know exactly because the bank saves money by using Size 4 Calibri font on reports.)

My
reputation is intact. If I had something to hide, I certainly wouldn’t write
this post.

Boss Bob said he would go to my branch
that afternoon to tell my staff. I said, “I’ll call them.”

H. R. Bob said, “Bank policy requires that
your supervisor inform associates in this situation. Also, Boss Bob will clean out
your desk, box everything up, and bring it here to The Capitol for you to pick
up. That’s the policy.”

Um, no. What the helk did I care? I
spent 40 hours a week for three straight years with my team. Not to tell them
myself would be rude and weak. Policy
meant nothing to me. I was “no longer with the bank.”

I left.

Once I cleared the parking lot, I
called Tall Child. “I got fired.”

“What?!? Wow. I can’t believe that.”

“Tall Child, this is terrible. What
the helk are we going to do about bills?”

"Oh, you’ll land on your feet.
You know, this is great timing.”

“What?”

“Yes, now you can go to Sharky's and
Gnome's end of school stuff. You were going to miss eighth grade
graduation, field day, everything. Plus, we don’t have Sharky’s tuition this or
next month.”

“I think I’ll eat lunch with Gnome’s
kindergarten class tomorrow.”

“He will love that. Take May. Get them
out of school and all that. This time, figure out what YOU want to do.”

Readers, in saying "this time," Tall
Child referenced a sacrifice I made three years before. Sharky needed to go to
a smaller, quieter, religious school instead of the big, loud middle school for which
he is zoned. For many years, a relative promised to pay for that private middle
schooling, but two weeks into Sharky’s sixth grade year, the relative could not pay after all. Tall
Child couldn’t leave his good job. My teacher paycheck wasn’t enough. I
returned to banking to make more money. The difference in my teacher vs. banker
monthly pay was the same as the monthly tuition bill. I wrote about the big changes
in Theory
54: Good-byes are simply bittersweet beginnings.I LOVED teaching
school. I did NOT want to quit. I felt I had no choice. Zoloft eased the
transition, but it and the sedentary banker workday added 20 pounds. Unfair.

Funny thing is, Sharky and I, ahem,
“graduated” from middle school and banking, respectively, within days of each
other. Yes, Tall Child, it was great timing.

Anyway, after I talked with Tall
Child, I called my mama. She said, “I am so sorry. They are morons. Will you
teach again? This is good, Bug. Now you can write every day.”

I said, “I am in shock, but I need to
hang up and call my team.”

I broke POLICY and called Adele, “I
got fired.”

“You are joking. Are you joking?”

“Nope. Sales quotas, allegedly.
Whatever. I need you to clean out my desk before Boss Bob gets there. He’s coming
this afternoon. My personal items are none of his business. Box it all up. Make
the office look as empty as possible. I’ll come get the stuff later this week.
Oh, and act surprised when he tells you the news.”

“I am on it.”

On Thursday, Delicious accompanied me
to my old branch. I reassured my sweet team, hugged everyone, picked up my
stuff, and rode to our little mountain house in Townsend, Tennessee. I mixed a stout
Bloody Mary and walked to the swinging bridge over the Little River. The
exactly same place I had stood three years before and accepted that job.
Poetic? If you like Poe, I guess.

As a former educator, I spend loads of
time reflecting. After the breakup, I reflected on what I did right, what I did wrong, what I said,
what I didn’t say...you get the picture. I wondered if I was as
good a manager as I thought I was and tried my best to be.

Banking has changed. Banking, these days, is retail. Bankers have changed. Bankers used to
be prestigious community members. They were trusted confidants, advisors, and financial
experts. As a modern-day banker, I felt like a telemarketer with all that scripting. My days were planned for me in short blocks of time. I wanted to invest time in people, not processes. I wanted to go on sales calls and see my customers. I was old-school. I made mistakes.

·I didn’t track
numbers ad nauseam. I figured that if I consistently treated people well, and
gave them good advice, and gave them TIME to see how that advice worked, they
would return to me and bring friends.

·I put employees’
personal lives and professional goals ahead of the bank’s. It’s not easy managing a bunch of
women in tight quarters! See Theory 36: Men are easier to work with than
women. I genuinely cared more for my
teammates’ goals than I did the bank’s. Corporations don’t have souls. People
do.

·I
had too much fun at work. I referred to the main office as The Capitol, and my
little branch, only twenty-five minutes from the quiet entrance to the Smoky
Mountains, as District 12 from The Hunger
Games. Maybe one too many times I put this under my email signature:

·My conference
call skills were lacking, to say the least. Now and then, I’d inject humor at will
or have Adele play Rue’s Whistle in the background for all to hear. Conference
calls are a cliché exercise in humiliation. They tempt weak employees to embellish,
fib, or cheat to avoid embarrassment. I asked my boss one time, “Does the
number of checking accounts reported on our daily call determine your mood for
the rest of the evening?” Guess how he answered.

Of all my retail sins, I am most
guilty of falling short (numbers-wise) on a particular daily expectation. I
didn’t “disposition” enough sales leads. It drove Boss Bob nuts. Being a writer, I
tried to conjugate the word to find more meaning in the task:

The
banker dispositions.

The
banker is dispositioning.

The
banker has dispositioned.

The
banker dispositioned.

The
banker was dispositioning.

The
banker had dispositioned.

You see, kind readers, I couldn’t disposition leads because disposition IS A NOUN. Think of it this
way:

The
banker nouns.

The
banker is nouning.

The
banker has nouned.

The
banker nouned.

The
banker was nouning.

The
banker had nouned.

See?

~ ~ ~

I ignored that cardboard box Mama Bear
and Adele packed with all my office junk for a week. When I did finally gird up
my loins to sort through it, I found a severance package! In their furious rush
to clean out my office, Adele and Mama Bear threw everything in. I scored a
roll of stamps! I got my own home staple remover. I also found an envelope full
of cash. No, it didn’t come from the vault. It came from my friends at work. We
had been on a diet since January. Every Monday, each of us women weighed and measured.
When a teammate lost a pound or an inch, she put a quarter into our diet jar.
Our plan was to tally the results July 1 and give the winner the money. By May
9, we’d lost about 40 pounds and 40 inches. They gave me the money. Wasn’t that
sweet of them?

I suppose if my employees were
comfortable enough to weigh and measure their busts, waists, hips, and thighs
in front of me, I did some things right. I’m honored to have worked side by
side with Adele, Mama Bear, Fire Woman, and Baby Caddy. I am proud of the work
we did together.

This little episode has taught me a
few things:

·My gifts are
misplaced in a corporate environment. I was a tie-dyed ink blot splashed on a grayscale Excel
spreadsheet.

·I won’t be happy
in work unless my tasks match my values.

·I need to be my own boss.

·I CAN BE MY OWN
BOSS!

My whole life, I have revered the
written word. My whole life, I have written for release, relaxation,
recreation, and reward. I published my first work in 1990. My writing has evolved
and served many purposes over time. A few years ago, when I was teaching, I
started my small business, Crippled Beagle Publishing. From there, I’ve
published books, essays, a short story, anthology projects, countless articles, and more.

God winks at you all the time. Pay
attention. No joke; every single time I’ve told a friend or relative, “I got
fired from the bank,” the person has responded, “Good. Are you going to write
full time now? Are you going to teach?”

Friends, the answer is YES. I will
write for others. I will write for myself. I will write for you.

I scribbled out a rough draft of this
post on May 20, only 11 days after the bank and I ended our relationship. I was at Lakeshore Park’s playground
with Sharky, Gnome, and Gnome’s buddy, The AP. A gentleman
who was there with his toddler spoke to The AP and said, “I know your mother.”

I recognized him, but couldn’t place
him. I said, “If you know her, I know you. How do I know you?”

We did the whole social dot-to-dot routine,
and when he said his wife’s name, I said, “YES! I wrote a book about adoption
years ago. When you were waiting for your baby, my friend Gams told me your story.
I signed a copy and we gave it to your wife. I hope it helped her.”

He spoke through a wide smile, “That’s
who you are.”

Amen! That is who I am. Little winks
and hints over the past decade have formed into a glaring truth. No matter
where I’ve “worked" —from bumper boat girl at The Track to IHOP
waitress to banker, teacher, then banker again—I have always, in my heart and
free time, been a self-employed writer.

I pray I find many opportunities, for
years to come, to use my skills to serve people and provide for my family.

While missing a biweekly company
paycheck is somewhat unnerving, I am okay. My ulcer vanished. I have several
new clients with beautiful projects in the works.

One could describe my current disposition as at peace and optimistic.

I have more time to think, parent, explore, read, drink, watch TV, change light bulbs, you name it. Also, when you run your life, you have time to
settle curiosities. I Googled “corporate
telephone RIS button.” I found out the button actually reads RLS, and stands for RELEASE.
Little did I know when I hit that button at 4:40 p.m., Monday, May 8th, that I would never hit it again.

This post might agitate some dispositions among corporate jargon-spewers and conference call champions, but if they, Boss Bob, H.R. Bob, or the legal department folks read it and want to sue me, they're wasting time and stockholders' money.

In this 1990 photo my beloved crippled beagle Bell keeps me company as I daydream on paper. Each of us is imperfect. Bell had backward knees, but a calm disposition and sweet nature made her an all-time favorite pet. Each of us is imperfect, but each of us has a story to tell, whether it's a well-written essay, persuasive speech, eulogy, novel, adoption story, or book. I welcome the opportunity to help you communicate your unique message in a powerful way.My goals are to encourage, enlighten, and entertain readers. If you read my stories, blog, or books, I hope you find a friend on every page.

Theories: Size 12, Laugh! You know you want to.

Read my book of expanded Theories and laugh with every page. Volume DD is coming soon!

Theories: Size 12, Taste of Chapters

1: People write diaries hoping someone else will read them.

4: The only thing worse than teacher fashion is substitute teacher fashion.6: Don't judge a woman by her accent or her breast size.7: Play a sport, even if you suck at it.8. If you want the ultimate college experience, join the band.9: Everyone should work in a restaurant.10: In youth sports, parents are the true performers.12: Bicycle guys are selfish and make other people late for work.13: As people age, they morph into the opposite sex.15: Tailgate etiquette is not an oxymoron.20: Never call a woman fat, lazy, or selfish.

Want to read more? Want to contribute to my next book? Friend and follow!

Just thinking outside the barn...

Contact Jody

Contact me for quotes, interviews, excerpts, speaking engagements, book groups, and more. Message me on Facebook or email at dyer.cbpublishing@gmail.com.TopicsBook Club Q&ATheoriesHow to Walk a Mile in Your Friend's BraPublishingThe Student Anthology ProjectThinking Outside the BarnBe the Band, Not the CoachMoney is a Commodity, Not a CollectibleModern Day Adoption Respecting The Adoption Triad

About Me

In this 1990 photo my beloved crippled beagle Bell keeps me company as I daydream on paper. Each of us is imperfect. Bell had backward knees, but a calm disposition and sweet nature made her an all-time favorite pet. Each of us is imperfect, but each of us has a story to tell, whether it's a well-written essay, persuasive speech, eulogy, novel, adoption story, or book. I welcome the opportunity to help you communicate your unique message in a powerful way.My goals are to encourage, enlighten, and entertain readers. If you read my stories, blog, or books, I hope you find a friend on every page.