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It ain’t easy being a criminal out there these days. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, or at least, a man-eat-chicken wing world, but with chicken wing prices rising (I know, I shed tear for that news too), soon we’ll have content ourselves by eating just the chicken feet (which are surprisingly tasty, unless you’re my mom and we’re in Chinatown).

Atlanta, Georgia, saw its own horror rise up, as two men stole 65 thousand dollars worth of Tyson chicken wings right from a cold storage facility. The pair were captured, but the location of the wings remains unknown. Also unknown is why they took the snack food. Were they throwing a party? Opening a restaurant? Trying to create an artificial shortage of chicken wings in the Atlanta area? The world may never know.

And by that, we mean beat you senselessly with a shillelagh. No, no, no, of course we don’t mean that. Well, at least for the most part.

Starbucks, the famous coffee giant, has always been in the flavored coffee business, but now, they’re looking to jump into the flavored coffee with flavor business. Having tested the plan here and there in a few Seattle and Portland stores, locations in Atlanta and Southern California will, over the year, have their menu expanded to include items such as beer and wine. Oh sure, there’ll be new food items as well, but pffft, why fill up your stomach with food when you can fill it up with more booze?

The Guys have followed a lot of elections since way back in 2007. In that time, we’ve covered the emergence of new political tools like robocalls and observing foreign countries from your backyard. But, there’s one that has gained more popularity than any other: refusing to accept the results.

Recounts, which entered the modern campaign vocabulary in the 2000 presidential race have gone on to hold up the increasingly smaller results of senate, representative and now mayoral races.

One of either two things needs to happen:

The American people need to start voting for popular people in hasty, landslide elections like in the good old days of prom season, or

Politicians need to concede when they’ve lost and start planning for the next race.

All we’re saying is that election workers hate sitting in warehouses all day. If you think another count is going to magically reverse the results and curry their favor, then you probably also eat more spit than your average McDonald’s gourmand.

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The scariest food news to hit the country gets even worse. Leggo my frozen bachelor grub, lack of waffles.

Kellogg’s, which manufactures Eggo frozen waffles, blames the nationwide shortage on flooding that hit an Atlanta processing facility in September.

The shortage will most likely be in effect through the middle of next year, the company says.

“The Eggo team is working around the clock to bring everyone’s favorite waffles back to store shelves as quickly as possible. We hope to regain full distribution of Eggo products by the middle of 2010,” the company says on the Eggo Web site. “This is a top priority for Kellogg Company.”

In addition to the Georgia flooding, Kellogg’s says “equipment enhancements and repairs in our largest waffle bakery” contributed to the shortage.

With the loss of canned pumpkin and now the loss of Eggo waffles, we can officially put ourselves on THREAT LEVEL: FOODA.

Flights across the country were delayed by a problem with the FAA’s computers in Salt Lake City and Atlanta. Air traffic controllers were forced to enter flight plans by hand until the systems could be brought back online.

When we asked FAA officials, “The computers? What is it?” they responded, “They’re boxes full of chips and circuits that use a binary language to perform advanced calculations in the blink of an eye … but that’s not important right now.”

The Guys took some pictures and left, knocking over a row of phone booths to call in this story.

Hand-charted flights, phone booths, actual human reporting …. All in all, everyone had a wonderful time reliving the 1970s.

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For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America. I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.

All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)

If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.

Animals are everywhere, why? Because that’s were they can find and harm us. However, these days we spend most of our time indoors. This is particularly true for public servants–just the people our beastly foes want to attack.

One such attack was foiled in Atlanta recently, when a federal judge found a half eaten apple on his desk, probably left there intentionally as a warning. From the footprints and other evidence, they concluded it was a raccoon that had left the message. A man, err, animalhunt began immediately.

A court clerk created a “wanted” poster, and Bonapfel’s staff posted a “raccoon crossing” sign on the judge’s door.

Days later, the culprit was caught and denied trial. Some media accounts say the critter was released, but others have noticed that the judge has been wearing a coonskin hat during hearings.

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Only in America. In a fight for a share of the estate, the mistress of an Atlanta millionaire is revealing the drinking habits of her swilling beaux. She even goes on to reveal that he switched to drinking a gallon and a half of wine every day after years of drinking a handle of hard liquor every day. We here at SG call that one the old switcheroo. And of course, his boozing started every morning right after breakfast.