So George Bush secretly authorized the NSA to spy on Americans without warrants or judicial oversight. Oh, it violates your civil liberties, oh, it illegally breaks the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, oh, that tape of you and your boyfriend having phone sex has been playing in the NSA break room for a month and a half. Well boo hoo hoo! Do you hear that sound, America? It is the world's tiniest violin playing just for your civil liberties. You can hear it in excellent quality sound because it has been bugged by the NSA.

"Judicial oversight" is just the kind of big-government red tape that caused 9/11.2 In the half-hour it could take for a FISA court to rubber-stamp Giblets's wiretap request, literally hundreds of thousands of possible terrorists could be ordering pizzas, calling in late for work or arguing with their spouses, all free of the vigilant eye of the National Security Agency. We cannot wait for the smoking gun that could come in the form of a dull and lengthy conversation with your parents about your lack of focus at school!

"Oh but Giblets the president's executive order is illegal" you say. That's the kind of namby-pamby whining that would have the U.S. follow "international opinion" and "the Geneva conventions" and "U.S. law." Well America is the greatest country in the world, and it's not gonna run around getting permission slips from America before it defends itself! In case you haven't been paying attention, most of America disapproves of America's war in Iraq and disapproves of America's president. That means America is providing aid and comfort to America's enemies, and that can only mean one thing: America is guilty of treason. With that many accomplices of al Qaeda out there, the whole country deserves to be spied on. Why bother asking for a warrant? All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of patriotism - and everyone is fair game!

1. Okay, there is, but 9/11 changed everything. "Warrant" is now spelled "cowardlyappeasementofislamofascismrant." You have until dawn to adjust your records accordingly, Merriam-Webster's... and then you are on the other side.

2. Giblets believes this scenario involved the 9/11 Commission flying a giant stack of subpoenas into a defenseless, immobile Condoleezza Rice, but he is fuzzy on the details.