Local Man With British Accent Is 'Not Charming, Just An Asshole'

Brad Anderson is loved almost universally by the population of the small college town of Chapel Hill. His charming smile, dashing wit, and English accent endear him to males and females alike. He is admired by virtually all who know him, and even serves as the head of UNC's cultural diversity counsel, the first in seven years to be voted so with no opposition.

But as charming as it may seem, some believe Brad Anderson's British exterior hides a terrible secret.

Behind those ill-cared-for teeth lies a mouth, says fellow student David Watkins, which is not so important as what lies behind it: the soul of a "total asshole".

Watkins, who claims he is the first person to notice this fact since Anderson moved to Chapel Hill approximately a year ago, says that it was not an easy thing to realize.

"When I first met him, I was charmed by his easy smile and the amusing stories he told in that damnably adorable english accent," Watkins recalls. "In fact, he didn't have to say anything particularly clever to be greeted with smiles and laughter. I realized this when I was recounting one of his tales to a friend from out of town."

Watkins thought that his friend would be delighted, as most people at Chapel Hill were, at the story of a pair of mismatched socks and an important job interview. But he soon found out that was not to be the case.

"When she failed to smile encouragingly at the appropriate points, or to laugh at the story's heretofore-believed-to-be-rousing conclusion, I thought I must have left something out, like maybe the part where Brad said, 'Oh dear, my socks are at complete odds with my knickers!'" he says, confusion still evident on his face. "I told it again, being sure to hit all the details, but she still seemed completely un-titillated by the anecdote."

The tale is one of many similar anecdotes the British-accented youth is in the habit of telling his acquaintances.

"I tried another story of his, to a different friend, one involving separating the colors and whites in Brad's laundry, and I was met with a blank stare, similar to the ones I am generally met with when I say something especially boring," David recalls, gesturing in the air with his hands, as if trying to find the ingredient that he missed which makes Anderson's stories so amusing. "That was when it really began to dawn on me that Brad never really says anything genuinely amusing."

Watkins had stumbled upon an incredible revelation: without his British accent, Anderson would be "just another jerk".

"The next time I saw him, I imagined him saying the same things without a British accent, and I found everything he said to be utterly insipid," Watkins remembers. "I finally realized then that although everyone seems to think of him as the all-around incredible guy, he can sometimes be really inconsiderate."

Watkins cited several examples of Anderson acting inconsiderately, such as when he stole a friend's date to the school prom, or any of the numerous times he has talked about people, who, for some obscure reason, have earned his disfavor, or even "that time he broke my computer by pouring a bottle of Jack Daniels on it".

"Before, when he would explain his reasons for these things, his accent and British cheer seemed to make everything okay," Watkins says. "'Sorry, mate!' he'd say, or, 'Don't get your knickers in a twist, now!' We'd all laugh and say, 'Oh, Brad, you rascal!' even after that time where he killed my friend Sandy's hamster by setting it in the tailpipe of his car."

But now, Watkins says that now he is able to see past these previously-charming tendencies, he has realized that Brad contributes "absolutely nothing to the world around him, save a finely-tuned accented speech style."

"Whether Brad was born an asshole, or became one when he moved here and realized that people would be helplessly charmed no matter what, he still holds a power no one should have," Watkins says with a certain grim tone of voice. "I have tried to tell other people, but of course, no-one will believe me."

David looks around in fear. "In fact, I believe he could even get away with murder. Maybe it would be a homeless person, maybe an arch-enemy. But maybe...it will be someone who was no longer fooled by his British exterior."