A steampunk murder? Fetch me my monocle and combat boots, I need to dress ironically vintage while solving crime! But wait, before we get to that, I need some nonironic coffee. What is this? No coffee? Not even instant? Wait, is this communist Russia after all?

The detectives have been called in early, but the truly distressing part is this lack of coffee. Det. Jane Rizzoli simply cannot understand it. No coffee, why don’t you just take away her sarcasm and gun, too. Shall there be nothing left of her? If you take away her Ponytail of Righteous Justice the angels will weep.

Maura helpfully chimes in with suggestions of green tea and Mama Rizzoli has the accompanying mint. Yes, as we all suspected, a conspiracy is afoot. Lt. Cavanaugh is making the homicide squad participate in “Week of Health.” Why it’s not just called “Health Week,” eliminating the need for that pesky preposition is beyond me. But enough about grammar.

Dr. Maura Isles’ hand shoot up in participatory excitement as she spouts of statistics about how on average police officers only live two to five years after retiring. You see, Maura is very worried about being able to spend her post-retirement years traveling the world with Jane. How can they enjoy their golden years together if Jane’s dead. Unacceptable. No more coffee.

Maura, Mama R and Jane have all been tapped as “Wellness Captains,” which means they are now glorified food cops. But we all know that really means they’ve finally, officially been named captains of the good ship Gayzzoli. Jane is, obviously, thrilled. But, just in time, there’s murder afoot. Well, right now it looks like a suicide, but we all know better. Jane is actually thrilled now, because it means she can get coffee. But before the dark, rich nectar of the caffeine gods can touch her lips, Frost is stopped in the lobby by a rich man with silver hair and his son, Bradley. We know something is up because snooty fake Roger Sterling gives Frost a $25,000 check made out to a police charity in his name for helping put underprivileged black kid at an exclusive prep school behind bars for murder. Don’t worry, there will be plenty on Subplot B later.

At the suicide which we all know is really a murder, Jane asks if the victim is Jules Verne. This gets Maura hot because who doesn’t get hot at 19th Century literary references? Maura adds her own Dickens reference because why have one 19th Century literary reference when you can have two?

The dead guy in the Victorian vest is the famous author of the memoir Suicide Boy, so this predicament really shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. But Maura knows better and says the rope marks on his neck are inconsistent with a suicide, though she won’t outright call it a homicide because making Jane a little frustrated also gets her hot. Also suspicious is the lack of the manuscript for his latest book, which his editor was trying to pick up when she discovered him swinging from the rafters. Though, if I was his editor I’m kill him myself for writing the whole damn thing on a manual typewriter and not keeping a backup.