I have been up and down and I am finally doing what is best for me and not for anyone else. Problem is, now that I've stopped to take a look around, I have no idea who I am. This is a journal to self discovery.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

My ex-husband. I never talk about him. Funny right? Its funny because I started dating him when I was about to turn 17 and then we broke up when I was 26. Yes a long time indeed.

When I met Glenn I thought he was the end all, we had so much in common and we couldn't keep our hands off one another. He was so incredinly handsome and oh lord was he funny. He was so silly and energetic. We had so much fun together, but little by little though he took over my life and I allowed it. He didn't want me to go to college and I obliged. Stupid me. I did eventually go, but I have yet to finish, but that's a whole other story.

By the time we got engaged we had not ONCE talked about marriage. If the topic came up, the topic was changed. Trust me, it was not something I was ready for either. The one and only time I brought it up was on New Years's Eve two months before he actually proposed. I didn't want to know if we were going to get married, I just wanted to know which direction our lives were headed. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time, because again, we never talked about it I was completely clueless. I think he got the feeling I was getting ready to break up with him...he was right.

Two months later he proposed. My first instinct when he got down on one knee was to say "maybe" - but I couldn't, I just couldn't do it. Instead I muttered and half laughed "You are SO not doing this to me" - did I mention it was at Rockafeller Center where we had our first date? Yes, we returned to the scene of the crime. I panicked and say yes. Of course everything snow balled from there and I was so excited to plan a wedding and get married and do everything that I thought I was supposed to do.

Eighteen months later I was married. A month after we were married I was overwhelmed. I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes - because I needed to cook and he never did them from the day before. I began to cry and I couldn't stop. I knew right there and then I had made a mistake. But us (Italian last name) women are loyal and we stick through everything. He came into the kitchen and saw me crying - he just stood there in the doorway and asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't know. He told me to see a doctor and left the room. Yes, he's an asshole.

I spent the next two years just like that. Unhappy, unfulfilled. I did it all, I was the grown-up. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the dishes, the laundry and I paid the bills. Did I mention that if something needed to be fixed I did that myself too? Yes I did. OH and the washer machine broke and didn't empty right so that I had to bail out the water by the bucket out of the slop sink - for two years!!! Yeh, asshole. If we went on a trip, I planned it all, I made all major decisions in that relationship - but god forbid I made the wrong one then there was a five hour fight or discussion. Never ending. Oh yeh and when I moved out - he fixed the washer. Double asshole.

Now I should mention though I did not want for money. We both had great jobs, we made good money and we knew how to save. We had a house, little debt, two very nice cars and I got whatever my heart desired, more or less. I shopped every weekend, we traveled, we bought we lived the good life. I had the best of everything, we went to dinner constantly - but it wasn't enough.

In November of 2002 I was sitting at the computer and he came in to talk to me. I had been giving him the cold shoulder (gee I wonder why) and we had a talk. For the first time in two years he actually got it. He actually understood that I was breaking down. I worked full time in a highly, very highly stressful position, I did everything in our relationship and I was melting. For a whopping two days he got it and then things went right back to the way they were. So I gave up. I made new friends and I started going out and having fun. I was living the life that a 25 year old should be living. I started sleeping on the couch and vice versa - he never wanted to talk so we fought over everything. I couldn't take it. He wasn't capable of talking either, it didn't matter my approach, he was clueless. So by the end of March I had my bags packed. I left them in the back room - open. I wanted him to see them and ask me about them. I also wanted them available to me at a moment's notice. Two weeks they were like that and then he saw them. TWO WEEKS!!!!

On April 9th 2003 I received an email at work from him. He was moving out. He was sorry he ruined my life and he couldnt' take it anymore. (Like he was the one suffering or something - ph paalease). He didn't know how long he was leaving for and he wouldn't tell me where he was going. I read that email twice, stood up and walked out of my department. I walked up the stairs and came out by the security office where my friend Nick took one look at me and called over to Carmine who was floating that day. Carmine saw me from down the hall and came running up to me. He held me and I began to sob. I cried for what felt like forever. I then wiped my tears and sighed. I knew I was going to leave him, he just beat me to it.

For the next week I went to work without incident, but when I came home I noticed things weren't as I had left them. Objects were moved out of place. I found out he was coming home during the day. It freaked me out and I packed my car never to live there again.

Over the course of the next few weeks I realized I made the right decision. He never tried to contact me, to see if I was ok or even alive and with each day that went by I knew I was right for doing what I did. When I did happen to go back to the house for stuff, he'd be there and we would fight. Finally one day he said that we should just cut the bullshit and get a divorce. He said it for shock value. Two days later I borrowed money from my grandmother and I had retained a lawyer. He was immediately served with papers.

In May I met and started hanging out with Ted. He was my rebellion and life that I had missed. I found a great confidant and friend in him and we were joined at the hip. Although he was an extreme bad boy, he was hot, he was strong, and he had the sweetest side to him. I felt safe, I felt loved and naughty for doing something so crazy as date a bad boy like him.

I wound up finding out that when Glenn had left he had been staying with this woman from his old job. They were "friends" because they were both going through a divorce. Well. I also learned that it was suspected they were more than friends and I had details - not because I looked for them, but I had a few people who always called me and told me things about him. But I didn't care, I was happy with Ted. So one fine day I'm meeting with Glenn to exchange some stuff (now I know he's broken up with this woman - who's 6 years older and has two kids - yeh real winner let me tell ya) and he starts begging me to come back. Tells me that we'll go for counseling and work it out that this pending divorce isn't necessary. I told him, "Do you think I'm as stupid as you look? I know about Barbara, I've known for awhile. Please don't try to deny it. I know you broke up with her and your barking up my tree now. This is all too little too late. You never once tried to get in touch with me. Its over"

By January 8, 2004 I was divorced.

I don't cry over him. Never have - not since that day in April. I think somewhere I always knew it wouldn't work out. I think that's why I am in no rush to get married again. If I never get married again, that's fine by me. I just want to be happy. Twice I've lived for another person, Glenn and Ted. This time I live for me. I'm truer to myself than I have ever been. I still need time. I still need to heal. There was so much I left out from this post, but its already long.

Today Glenn is now married to Barbara and they have a child together. Good, they deserve each other. There really is so much more to this story, but perhaps thats for another day. I really don't miss him and I rarely think about him.

Funny how I was with him for so long and I never think about him. I guess it really was never meant to be. I learned a lot from my last two relationships. I know I started dating Kenny, but I'm not 100% sure that I'm truly ready for a committment. Now that you all know the stories of my last two relationships, I guess you can have a better understanding. I'm just plain ol' worn out.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

This blog has been compromised due to its popularity. Ok, I’m not like a quasi-internet celebrity like Jason Mulgrew, however, my friends, family and now the man I’m dating all read this site. How can I gossip about them if they read it? Sheesh.

Ok, so I don’t necessary want to gossip about them, but I do use this site as a way to purge my thoughts to help me think everything out more clearly. Once I get something off my chest (which is awesome) I feel so much better and I’m able to deal.

Now I’m left with less material to write about. I can’t tell you some things that may or may not have pissed me off this weekend. I can’t tell you about special projects and sexual innuendos – can’t do it. Not anymore. I can’t tell you what Ken does right or wrong, I can’t even divulge any true feelings, because they are mine and I don’t want him to have access.

Its all my fault. I was so proud of what I was doing to help me get through some tough times. I was proud that this stupid blog actually has a few readers so I told people, never thinking they would google me. Not good. Not good at all.

I had some fucked up dreams last night that I wanted to talk about. I want to talk about some stuff with Ted, because that’s how I deal with it all, I puke it up into this site and then I feel better, but I don’t want it to be misconstrued that I am still hung up on him, that I want him back – I don’t, but if you had any idea what I went through day in and day out, you would understand why its so hard to let go and why I have tarnished memories, why I have a need to keep bringing it all up. But now I can’t.

I’m considering starting another blog. I’d like to start one that has no relation to this here site so that I can keep the anonymity. This new site would be brutally truthful – no holds barred type of thing. But we’ll see because I don’t know if I could keep up two blogs. Plus I don’t know if could actually keep my mouth shut about it.

Monday, August 29, 2005

I'm very cranky this morning and I want to hurt someone, but I'm trying my best to actually do a post that doesn't reflect that anger.

Friday was a good day, as are most Friday's, I mean let's be honest, Friday is the best day of the week, just for the fact that its Friday - its the day that gets you hyped for what the weekend may bring. On Friday the weekend and world is your oyster. On Friday you have nothing but hopes and expectations for what may be. So when I got in touch with my friend Carmine after an 8 month absence, I was completely estatic.

Carmine is someone who saw me through some tough shit. Carmine and I met at work, well kind of. Peter (the asshole) and I used to work out at the gym together everday.....for three whopping weeks. Anyway, Peter worked in the same department as Carmine and everyday we would see Carmine working out and soon enough I was introduced.

Physically, Carmine is an ox - a silverback gorilla more like it. He's a former Marine and he's H.U.G.E. After three weeks, Peter slacked off and Carmine and I got to talking, talking became working out together and then eventually we started hanging out. This was all during the end of my marriage. Things were not good between the hubby and I so any distraction was welcome. The good thing about Carmine was that he too was in the middle of a separation so we had a lot in common.

At this point I was going to the gym about 6 times a week. Why? Because I hated being home and I'd rather work out than be home. Carmine was usually there everyday at the same time as me so it became fitting to work out together. He was a great trainer and wound up being a good friend altogether. Actually, the day my ex left me (I was at work, he's a coward and he sent me an email - a fucking email!!! - but that's another story for another time). I read the email, got up from my desk and walked away. I was shocked. I walked up the stairs and stood in the hall with tears in my eyes - I had no idea where I was walking. My buddy Nick took one look at me and yelled out "CARMINE! GET OVER HERE!" For the next 10 minutes, Carmine let me cry on his shoulder. He held me and let me cry it all out.

We stayed friends for almost 2 years, but he fell on hard times and we lost touch. Fast forward to this past Friday when I was talking to a few other people from his old department (he no longer works here), found out he was ok, got his new cell phone number and gave him a ring. Immediately.

Carmine, is still Carmine. Basically nothing has changed so we made plans for that night to chill out and have a few. Well. Apparenlty I was wrong - to make a long story short, a lot has in fact changed. Yeh, like his need to have sex with me. I shit you not. Although the offer is tempting, I denied him, I even asked him exactly what has changed in two years that all of a sudden he needs to have sex with me - (side note, there were no sexual innuendos, this is all straight forward, blatant talk). He said he doesn't know what it is, but I'm sexy as hell. I won't get graphic, but he even gave me examples as to why I should.

I've blown off our conversation Friday night because seriously, we were pretty fucked up. I mean we started drinking at 6:30 p.m. and didn't stop until 3:00 a.m. Dear God, I don't know how I didn't go into renal dysfunction. He called me twice on Saturday and the first time I didn't pick up, the second time he called I was already partying for awhile and I couldn't have an intelligent conversation if my life depended on it. He asked me if we were "cool" because, uh yeh, he did say some VERY graphic stuff and he wanted to make sure I was ok. Of course I was. Its not like he's the first guy to talk to me like that. Sheesh.

We played phone tag yesterday and when we finally spoke I apologized for my incoherent state on the phone when we spoke. All was back to normal and I don't think this sexual tension will happen again. At least I hope not.

+++++++++++++++

As it is not my custom to party on a Sunday nights (its not just God's day of rest, its Mer's too), I made an exception for Samantha last night. For her birthday she wanted to head down the shore to the Surf Club. Ok, if you are not from Jersey, let me create an atmosphere.

The Surf Club itself is actually pretty big, but its seen better times. When you walk in, you are immediately greeted by a bar. The dance floor (which by the way is the size of living room- as is custom with most NJ dance floors - why I have NO idea) was to the right of that bar. You walk further in and there are another 2 bars, this place is speaking my language - after these two bars you can go outside where the beach is and another 2 bars (yes!).

Here's the problem - it was Guidoville USA, population too many. There was an abundance of drunk juiceheads, not wearing shirts (ok, I'm not complaing all THAT much) wearing only their bathings suits, flip flops, baseball caps and yes, the token backpack. Yes, the guidos were sporting fucking JANSPORT!!!! I doubt a book has ever actually graced the inside of those bookbags, but I digress because there is just too much material here to even go on.

But I wasn't there to make fun of people - too easy - I was there to celebrate and celebrate we did. The only downfall to the night was the fact that I lost my keys. Thank god we didn't take my car, but still that added another hour to my commute home - Trixie had to bring me home for my extra set of keys (after we already drove about and hour and a half home) then return to our other friends' house to get my car. Thus this mornings crankiness.

I've never lost my keys before, I think I handled it rather well too, but still, just another inconvenience to add to my already frustrating life.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Times have changed. This we all know. I can run the gamut and talk incessantly about the differences between yesterday and today – why the 60’s and 70’s were a more powerful era than today…….civil rights for all mankind, there done. However there’s more to it and I’m sure in this short little dialogue I won’t be able to really explode my sociologic episodes all over you, but I’ll try.

I can dissect our apparent need to always be connected. Just the information highway and all our forms of communication alone can throw one into a tirade of debates. But I won’t go there. Why you ask? Its way too huge an argument. Information is cast upon us by the truckloads – friggin 10 year old kids have cell phones for Pete’s sake! And we all know that today’s youth is so much more preoccupied with life than our parents were. “Have to be connected at all times, can’t miss anything” Is it the media’s fault for having our youth grow up faster succumbing to the harsh realities of life by blatantly advertising thug life on the news and entertainment fields? – Again, another discussion.

The point I’m trying to make is this. Kids certainly are growing up more and more self advocating. Fads and fashion are more important than who the senator of your state is.

The United States has brought us up to believe that we are the biggest and the best world power. Are we? History says we are. So why worry? “Someone else will take care of things so I’m not worried. Some other schlep will be coerced into enlisting in the Army, I’m not getting my ass shot at by my own free will.” Have we all adopted this new attitude that the guy next door will take care of it so why fret?

There is no cohesiveness in this democracy. What one school teaches and advocates on the East coast is certainly not what is being done on the West. We are overpopulated, come from one too many backgrounds to really have the common interest that our parents had. Our grandfathers and their fathers were here to start a new and better life. We were smaller towns, smaller cities, smaller lives – less complicated more unified. People went to church, had Sunday dinner – there were social norms that everyone abided by. Our families talked more to each other because basically there wasn’t much else to do. Hell most of our parents didn’t have a television until they were around 9 or 10 and even then there were only 4 channels.

Our minds are all over the place. With today’s technology one can have loads of channels in the household – how could a kid or even adult’s attention span be regulated to normalcy? And I don’t care what the “professionals say” the media (Magazines, Television, Radio, internet) push thoughts into our already over cramped minds – the rise in crime and violence, who’s shooting who and why. Our selfish over burdened minds have way too much to worry about – schools, college, Burburry bags, being thin and beautiful, clothes, and will Brad and Jenn ever get back together. Way more important than what is going on for our future social security.

Have we been swallowed up by technology? Does Darwin theory apply in any shape matter or form? It is still fundamentally survival of the fittest, but now it micromanages our lives and we are not thinking as a whole. Too much to worry about in our own personal day to day lives, who has time to agonize over anything else. Who’s fault is it that we as a society have become like that? Because, oh yes, we have.

Our parents rallied for equal rights. Me, I get angry when McDonald’s changes the value meal menu. Ok not really, but you get what I’m saying. There are so many committees, self help groups, organizations and such all fighting to be heard and wanting a piece of each of us to contribute, give, care - that I think most of us, who have not been traumatized by something like Cerebral Palsy, Save the Amazon or AIDS, really don’t hear it. Its there, its all out there but we have all been taught to be selfish, to be the best and its affecting us so that we don’t hear it all, our blinders prevent it. Its like static on the radio when changing stations – I don’t notice it, but its there.

Its not going to change, its too hard. I don’t care how many book clubs Oprah starts, it ain’t going to change the fact that we are becoming incredibly self absorbed. By time I’m ready to retire, there will not be social security. I’ll have paid into it, yet it won’t be there. I can’t even get angry, you know why? Because I’m too lazy and personally obsessed to do anything about it. Sure I might actually write a letter to Congress, but I’m not about to haul my cookies to Washington to demonstrate about it. Perhaps I already know the end result and that’s why I won’t bother or perhaps I am just that indolent. Or perhaps its because there are so many interesting causes to dedicate myself that I can’t sit and choose just one. I’m no Joan of Arc, that’s for damn sure – I care, I’m willing to do my thing, but for the love of god, which do you choose? I’ll think about it later when I’m trying to decide if I want to watch 'Real World' or VH1 'I Love the 80’s' while downloading free music, talking on the phone with Trixie and receiving a fax about the menu specials at Big Jim's pizzeria.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

True friends, I believe, are few and far between, so when any one of them is having a problem, I want nothing more than to make it all better for them. My circle of friends is quite small despite popular belief. Yes, I do have many acquiantances and I am pretty popular where I work, but I would still consider only a handful true friends.

When Schmitty called me last night and left me a message on my voicemail regarding his breakup with his fiance, my heart sank for him. As you will recall from this post I already had reservations about their pending nuptuals, but who I am to shit on anyone's parade? I was happy that he was happy even though I already knew that it wasn't going to work.

Schmitty is a great guy - he's the first guy you want to have your back in a lot of situations. He's a good listener, he's funny, cute and an all around good friend. So when I heard this news I was devestated for him - not surprised, but devestated that my friend, someone I care about, has to hurt. I only want the best for those I care about. I only want to see them smile and if, god forbid, something bad does in fact occur, I want to be there for them in any shape, matter or form.

My friends ask me for advice all the time and I try to play devil's advocate and get them to see things in a different light so that if life throws them a curveball they are at least somewhat prepared. Once I say my peace, I have their back no matter what their decision is because that's what friends are supposed to do. They are not there to make you feel like an asshole for making a bad choice - life is full of choices, not all of them are going to be good.

I had told Schmitty that when the time came, he would have to be honest with himself and I have a feeling that may have helped to soften this newest blow. Last night when he was on the phone with Kenny (yes, Kenny and Schmitty are good friends) he apparently was not distraught and whining like a bitch. He seemed to be pretty collected over this event, angry yes, upset of course, but still Kenny said he had his wits about him.

By time I left Kenny's house it was past 10:00 and I am not in the business of calling friends that late - well unless I'm loaded because that's my excuse. I did however text him and told him that I did not ignore his message, I got the story from Kenny, but that I loved him, I supported him and I would talk to him sometime today.

Its sad when one of our friends or loved ones goes through an ordeal like this. NO one died, no one cheated on the other, it just fell apart. In the long run this is what is best and I'm sure he will eventually see it like that. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it better for him. He wanted nothing more than to be a police officer, get married and have a life with someone special.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Last night was our first "official" date - unofficially. Yes, we've seen each other for ice cream and I've been to his place a few times (remember I started seeing him when he was in the middle of moving) so last night was the first time we actually "went out." Get it? Got it? Good.

I would have to say that the date went rather well yesterday. Believe it or not, I didn't have my usually reservations about him that I would with another guy. I was actually looking forward to dinner (gasp). I was giving him a fighting chance, which is good because that means I do in fact like him. (Trixie's gonna be so proud of me).

B and I were talking via email about the upcoming date and the fact that Ken has found my website. He was a little worried for me and he voiced pertinent concerns. I love my B, I really do, he's the brother that I don't have - I'm his younger bratty sister so we keep each other in check and I need that. Here's our conversation.

Me: Very bored today, thus the perusal of the internet and sending you that website. Going to dinner with Kenny tonight. Should be interesting.

B: Wow, a real date? I wonder what's for desert?

Me: EW, dirty boy. Yes, he's picking me up and bringing me to Cafe Blah Blah in Rutherford. Never been there, but I've heard its good.

B: You must be excited.That's cool. I hope it works out.

Me: I'm excited. I'm cautiously optimistic you could say. He found my website too. Did I tell you that?

B: No you didn't. Is that good or bad?

Me: (long paragraph about how it happened, blah blah blah) I just don't want him to have the inside scoop.

B: Yeah, of course not. You are too obsessed with this blog thing, it's getting you in trouble. At a party checking e-mail. Even if he says he didn't read any of it, he did. I'll put money on that. Unless he is the most stand up guy ever. You know "curiosity killed the cat". Sorry that was cheesy.

Me: Well actually he promised he wouldn't, so for that, I told him he could read everything excluding August. Plus if he did read it, he'll fess up. I know he will. Best part is he has the ringback tones set on his phone, so when I call him, it's the Alicia Keys song "Think of me as the pages in your diary" Uh yeh, he thinks he's funny. I do hope you get a chance to meet him at some point in time. I think you'll like him. He's pretty funny.

B: Do you really want him reading that? Isn't it personal?

Me: YEh, but he would have found it eventually. I know him, he really is the epitome of curious and the cat. He's already tried to find it. But I've known him for awhile so none of it is really a huge surprise so that's ok. I warned him too, I told him that I talk about making out with other guys and I also told him how sad some of it was because of Ted. He actually read some of it already and sent me an email telling me how strong I was for going through what I went through and if I ever want to talk about it, he was a good listener. He's actually a very secure person.

B: He's definitely into you.

Me: Um yeh. He's actually normal so I'm giving him a good chance. No hang ups or anything so this should be a treat. Glenn was super insecure, Ted was an alcoholic/druggie so someone normal will be a a nice change.

B: That's no fun. I'm sure he has something. We all have issues.

Me: Of course he lives far, he travels a lot and he won't always be there. But its still the very beginning so who knows.

B: No I didn't mean it to be nit picky, I just hate it when people aren't realistic and can't see that everyone has flaws/issues.

Me: Oh of course not. I didn't take it that way. I'll have more info after this date. Plus you have to meet him to give the thumbs up too, but that won't be until sometime after Labor Day, if it happens at all. He knows I'm a challenge, he's seen "the cat" in action and he actually likes that (barf). Plus he's Schmitty's friend and he comes highly recommended.

B: I think the cat is better than normal mer....just kidding. Had to get it in. It was too easy a set up. Good luck on the date. Get sloshed.... we like that.

Me: Yeh well, the Cat is a lot of fun. First time I met him the Cat told him we'd have sex. Go figure. Apparently she's psychic too. Definitely drinking tonight, I need it. I need copious amounts of liquor.

B: "copious" wow, big word.

Me: Well if you READ my blog you would know I am a plethora of knowledge. Sheesh.I'm outty in a few. Have a good night.

End scene.

B didn't outwardly give me advice, he just brought me out of the clouds and that's what I love most about him. He puts the seed of thought there without shoving it down my throat.

But despite all doubts and uncertainties, the evening was a hit. I'm happy. Go me!

A few highlights where he went right:Opening the car door each time (not just once)He picked the restaurantHe picked me up and met momGood conversationGave good compliments

Go him.

Confession time:I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'm almost choking. I feel the walls pressing against my body, the air is thick and humid, I'm sweaty and shaking. I worry about whether or not I'm ready to put myself out there for hurt and pain. I don't think my soul can take another bout of heartache. I'm afraid that if I'm hurt again I'll become numb and non-receptive to love. I don't think he'll do that to me, not now at least. I'm sucking it up and allowing him in. I'm allowing myself to be taken with the flow and I'm not pushing anything. I hope he doesn't think that I'm being standoffish. Does this make sense? Does anyone have any words of wisdom to help calm this crazy looney head of mine down?

Aside from that, I do believe we've found a live one. I don't think he'll hurt me, but I can't help but to have these thoughts. I'm doing my best and allowing myself to open up again and become receptive to what the future has in store for me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

About two weeks ago I was invited to Ken's house for a BBQ/house warming party. As is custom at a BBQ, I drank and drank and drank. During the course of the evening one of his friends was using the computer to which I thought "Hmph, I'll check my hotmail account to see if any of my wonderful readers left any comments."

Well. Stupid move.

Thursday night I'm running into the liquor store while Trixie waited in the car. Low and behold Ken gives me a ring. A few minutes into the conversation he announces, "I found your website."

Ken knew about my website. He knew that I had a blog and that I wrote on it everyday. What he didn't know was the actual address of it. I told him that eventually I would give it to him, when I was good and ready for him to learn that much about me. Because let's be honest people, I write some pretty fucked up shit sometimes. I thought all was good with the world, that this could always be my dirty little secret. Until I left my hotmail address on his computer.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He's rather clever and curious by nature, so he googled the name "Finding Mer" and thus stumbled upon my website.

Let me just tell you my stomach dropped out my ass. My face went pale and I said, "Come again?" Yes, he indeed found my website. Good news is, he told me he found it and he hadn't read it. He knows that I'm insecure about it and that I had good reason for him not to read it - yet.

The entire weekend (I was off on Friday) I wondered if he did perhaps peruse my site. If it ate at him like it would any normal human being. I did not have access to the internet so I was unable to re-check the site for bad content. I'm not worried about him reading about my past relationships (he's actually met Ted), I'm worried about what I might have written about him. Sometimes I shoot my mouth off without really thinking of consequences. I write what I feel when I'm feeling it - this is my diary, my thought process, my home.

I allow all of you to see glimpses and pieces of me and I'm fine with that - chances that I'll meet you are slim to none. But this is a potential suitor. He doesn't need to know if I worried whether or not he would call me or how I feel. That's the fun of being in a relationship, getting to know one another - with this website, he has cart blanche to figure me out. Advantage him.

Although if he crosses me in any shape, matter or form, I can write some pretty obnoxious things about him on this website. Advantage me.

Yesterday I spent the better part of the day reviewing my site and I have deemed it safe for him to read.....that is he can read April, May, June and July. August will have to continue to be off limits until further notice. Sorry, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Am I doing the wrong thing? He's a pretty level headed person so I don't think he'll take offense to anything I've written. Hhhhmmm, then again perhaps he'll find my site quite boring and leave well enough alone. I guess only time with tell.

Monday, August 22, 2005

This past weekend Trixie and myself set out to spend a few days with my Cousin in Newport, Rhode Island. A mini vacation of sorts, it almost met all expectations. It met the expectations as far as a vacation goes - relaxing, breathtaking sights, nice locals, but the party atmosphere was average - more on that later.

We left Jersey at about 6:50 am to arrive in Newport by 10:00 a.m. Yes, we tried to break the sound barrier getting there. Had it not been for the police presence we most likely would have.

Now, I have to mention here, Trixie and I were up until 3:00 a.m. and were tentively supposed to leave at 6. Nope, didn't happen like that because things never go according to plan. That's why this entire weekend we didn't plan anything - this way we were never disappointed. We arrived in Newport, had lunch with the Cuz and headed to the beach - to Nap. That's right, I napped the entire afternoon while soaking in the rays. Lovely. Just fucking Lovely.

That night we dressed and headed out for a night on the town. Here's the thing, when you go away to another area, whether it be a few hours away or across the globe, you can't help but compare the area you live in with the area you are vacationing in. Well. Newport is lovely, I would move there in a heartbeat. The shopping is excellent, the scenary is gorgeous. However, a few things that I can't help but to note that I would miss here - the food, the music, the nightlife, and the dancing.

Food - ours is better. Yes we were in a high class area and I'm sure their gourmet meals and restaurants are just fabu, but we didn't find them. Here in Jersey and NYC we have outstanding restaurants on every corner. I'd miss that. The food and its texture is awesome. We have excellent pizza, they have cardboard. "nuff said.

Music - I never realized how good the coverbands and music here are. Our coverbands rock the house and each one you see is better than the next. They know how to mix 80's rock with today's beats - they take old school songs and remix them - they play what is popular today with enough range for diversion. Trixie and I were ready to party like it was 1999, but the music was flat and lacking - and they constantly played a lot of the same music. Good music, yes, but both bands covered the same songs leaving me to believe the creativity factor was low. Not to say that we didn't have a good time, but seriously, I'm just used to the sounds by us.

Nightlife - everything closes at 1:00 a.m. What is that? I'm usually just catching a buzz at 1:00 a.m. let alone clearing out for the night. It was nice to go out and party at 9:00 p.m. instead of 11:00 p.m., but still, just when things were really getting good, the brakes were hit and we had to leave. WTF?

Dancing. GOOD LORD. Saturday night we hit one of the more popular night spots there, Christie's. They had an indoor band and outdoor band - with a $20 cover no less. Sheesh, that's what we pay to get into the NYC nightclubs, but I digress and I'll continue onward - Trixie and I love to dance. Actually that is an understatement. Once we start to shake what our Momma's gave us, that's it - drinking stops, all conversation is non-existant. From that point onward all we do is sweat (profusely) and shake our asses. We don't need men to dance, but they help.

People there cannot dance. I mean they jump around to a beat that doesn't exist! They bounce around like Mexican Jumping Beans. Its wild and extremely entertaining. As much fun as it was to watch them, there is one small setback - when you can't dance - you require a lot of room. I cannot tell you how many times I was shoved and thrown around. I can't tell you how many times either Trixie or I were stepped on or beer was spilled on our clothes. No one apologizes because they are completely and profoundly fucked up, sweaty white messes. If any of them were to dance like that by us, there would have been a fight. Swear. Trust me, I threw a few elbows, but it didn't matter - they were feeling no pain.

As awful as their dancing was, it was still a good time. Trixie and I kept to ourselves for the most part, we mingled, but not outwardly. So glad we went and so glad it was a good time. I just cannot get over the Rhythmless Nation though. Truly a sight.

I would like to thank Dean - the little itty bitty that hit on Trixie. He was adorable, cute and funny - oh and he was only 22. What is up with all the itty bitty's hitting on us. I know we look young, but that's a little crazy - no?

I would also like to thank the hottest bouncer I've ever laid eyes on for doing the flirty flirty eyes all night long, but its not my taste to pick up a guy so nothing materialized from it. He was quite the hunk of burning masculine flesh and given half a chance I would have jumped on his head. GOOD LORD I almost orgasmed on the dance floor every time I caught him staring at me. I thought I was making it up until I made sure that Trixie caught it too - oh sweet bajesus why am I so shy?

We did meet a few fellas from Boston, unfortunately not Trixie's type or mine as well. I think our next road trip will be Boston, not sure when, but I'm hoping sometime during football season. We'll have to check funds and see where life takes us. Our next official trip has already been booked for South Beach, Florida. I'm totally looking forward to that party fest. Dear god I might lose my liver on that trip, but hey as I've said before, "Go Hard or Go Home."

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Everyone, please welcome Matthew from "Blogging the Dolphin" to our little quasi-neighborhood. I found his link on Jason Mulgrew's site. As normal I read a few of the posts and found him very entertaining, probably because he's got a twisted sense of humor (like me), plays softball (like me) and when you piss him off, he rants about it (guess what? like me). But here's the kicker - on July 28th he wrote about the woes of traveling and everything he was saying was like - "Wow, I couldnt agree more. I think I'll send him a quick little note." I start typing away an email and decide to tell him that I had a similar post on my blog and that he should check it out.

Well.

When I went back to my blog to check the date of my post - it was July 28th. THE SAME DATE!!!! Can we say "El Bizzaro?" I encourage everyone to take a quick peek - his softball uniform is steller.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Something has been bopping around in my head for awhile and I wasn't sure if I was going to act on this notion or if I was going to push the envelope like I normally do. Its kind of like when mom says, "Don't touch that!" - well what's the first thing you do? You touch it. My life story.

One night after our softball game, we were all hanging out doing the ol' boozefest thing. Beer flowed just as freely as the conversation. As I remember, it was just shortly after Ted and I started dating so I'd say this was about two years ago. Of course a favorite topic to discuss was naturally Ted and I. Reason? Because I had just left my ex-husband a few months prior and this was my first "relationship" so of course people were curious and people also had their advice.

Now I've received my fair share of advice from people, trust me, at the time I didn't get advice, I got lectures. But there is some advice that has stuck with me and today, I thanked the person who gave me this advice.

It was a conversation between myself and Marc, our token ace hitter and starring center fielder. A little back ground info on Marc, nice looking - great eyes, stays in shape, all around good personality and single. But if you get him on a topic, dear lord be ready - make sure you don't have dinner plans or at least set your alarm to go off 20 minutes from the inception of the conversation because he can talk. He is by far a plethura of knowledge. He'd be great on Jeopordy I'm sure. (Don't worry Marc, I still love you).

Anyways, he starts asking me if Ted is the one. Even then I knew that Ted wasn't it for me. I told Marc that Ted was not Mr. Right, he was Mr. Rightnow. And of course in true Marc fashion, he pushed the conversation, getting me to dig deep and think hard. Marc's a thinker and he likes to evoke thought from you. He likes to chase the conversation around the room and then corner you like prey, thus pulling the truth from you. He loves to see the light bulb go off in your head. Cool at times, but can be aggravating when you just want to get your point across. If he was my boyfriend I'd bitch slap him from one side of the state to the other, but I digress..... (still feelin' the love Marc).

Two years later, that conversation still rings in my head. It has me being more honest with myself. So yesterday I wrote him the following email:

Marc,Not sure if you remember this, but one night about a year or two ago, we were sitting in the parking lot after a game drinking (what else?) and you and I got on the subject of dating and not bothering with people if you know its not right. You said, "When I date someone, I know by the first date if its’ not going to work out and then I move on, because why waste time."

Truer words have never been spoken. So I want you to know that I’m living by those words. After Tom and I broke up I decided to give myself some time. Now that I’ve started dating, I’m living by this motto. Regardless of what people might think (cough cough) I’m taking it easy. I started dating someone. He’s wonderful – like if I told you about him, you’d say "Hell I’d date him!" – but I'm taking it easy and seeing where this is going.

Its all about making sure we are all happy all of the time. We only get one shot at this thing we call life and when we do something that turns out wrong we don’t get a chance to redo it. The one sure thing about love is that it’s out there and we have to keep chasing it until we find it. And when we do, we have to work really hard to keep it.

Marc---------------------------

First off, thanks Socrates. Just kidding - he should have his own blog though right?

Its funny where we pick things up. It can be on TV, a friend or a foe, but its what we remember and take with us that will eventually keep us out of trouble.

Thanks again Marc, perhaps had I listened to you two years ago I wouldn't have gotten in this mess after all. Then again I wouldn't have this website and I wouldnt' be the person I am today - with a great rack.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Ever have one of those days where every little fucking small ass thing goes wrong? Its not even like your the one who fucked up, its just that life is against you that day. Its not anything major like a car accident, god forbid, but stupid asinine things one right after the other.

I woke up this morning on the other side of the bed, laying on my stomach in aching pain because I have a bad back and it isn't smart for me to sleep like that. Not only was my back fucked, I only had a few hours sleep because for whatever reason, sleep has now decided to take a vacation from Mer for the better part of a week now. I look in the mirror - great bags Mer, wonder if they'll go with your shoes?

To offset things, its a gorgeous day out giving me the brainstorm to straighten my hair (forgot to mention it, I dyed my hair, it looks awesome). I pick an outfit and get ready. Leave the house and find myself only two blocks away when the road is blocked by a garbage truck run by four of the biggest imbecile to walk this earth. Now I'm starving, cranky and running late, but I want to stop at the bagel store. No parking. Ok, ok, fine, I'll get something at work, no biggy.

I drive to work on my usual route to be stopped by yet ANOTHER garbage truck, but they were a little smarter and I was able to have some composure. However, of course, there is a friggin ROAD BLOCK just a mile later causing me to go further out of my way this morning.

Sigh.

Finally, I get to the garage, park, grab the commuter bus and head in. I decide since its so lovely out to walk the outside route across campus. Wrong move. The back door is NEVER locked - today it was. Around the block I go with only 10 minutes before I'm considered late. I finally make it to my office and decide since this morning has been a royal pain in the ass, I'll go treat myself to some Starbuck's. Good idea. Fabulous idea. However I only have $4 and I want a latte AND something to eat and since we all know that Starbuck's is a huge rip off, we need a plan. I'll use my mac card to buy the coffee and the $4 to buy myself something to eat next door. Good idea. NOPE! My card gets rejected not once, but twice! This pisses me off because I know I just transferred money into the account, so I use my $4 to pay, apologize and walk over to Bank Of America - who can suck my ass, but that's another story. I deal with that and walk to get myself my bagel and crawl back to my office. What should have taken 5 minutes took 20. I look in the mirror - my pin straight hair is now becoming a horrid mess of frizzy. Fucking asshole humidity - go fuck you.

I should have known that it was going to be a bad day when I tried to go to sleep last night and cried. Yep, last night was another night of crying for no reason other than I was feeling sorry for myself. I'll get over it.....eventually.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Moving on is not as easy as I thought it would be. I still hurt and I still have nights where I cry before I fall off to sleep. Sleep used to be a happy place where I had the most ellaborate dreams of vacations and Scooby Doo murder mysteries. I liked my dreams, now I hate them. I hate them because I dream of past people but in present time.

My exhusband keeps coming back in my dreams and we fight. I don't get this because I don't think about the man. I don't care what is going on with him . I don't want him there, yet he's always there. Sometimes he's smiling, other times I'm yelling exactly like I used to. Sometimes he has his baby and his wife in our home. I see my old house, the painted walls, the refinished floors - all done by my hand. But the furniture is different and the sunlight not as bright as I remember. Its quiet and I'm looking around checking things out and I'm alone. Then, even though I don't want to see them I do and I try to be friendly, but there is too much anger and hurt there and it inevitably always ends bad.

Sometimes I dream about Ted, but not as much as the exhusband. With Ted I fall asleep thinking about the good stuff that I remember. I remember the laughter and the spiritual bond. Yes, that's precisely how to explain us, we were very spiritually connected, so much so that we could finish the other's sentence without ever really discussing the actual topic. He'd hug me and it felt like home. That's what was so hard about everything. The fact that I can't help the way it all felt when I was with him. I can't tell you how many times something happens to me and my first reaction is to call Ted. Then I catch myself because there isn't anyone to call who would get the joke but him. I miss that.

Perhaps I need closure? I don't think I've acheived that yet. But how do I obtain it without actually conversing with him? Best to leave it alone for a little while I guess. But the emotional instability needs to stop. Gots to find inner peace.

Ken is sweet, and he's funny, but is he just what I need to move on? I thought I was ready, yet since I started dating Kenny the dreams and these thoughts have increased. I used to be comfortable with relationships, now I'm not. I'm afraid to get into something again and due to my loyalties end up with someone else - is this some kind of emotional love stress that I'm going through? Fuck. I can't take it anymore. I need change and I need a few days away.

This weekend I am headed to Newport, Rhode Island to stay with my cousin. She's in her 60's and she's a pisser. She's way cool and hip, she gets it and I can't help but say that I have a certain bond with her, especially now that I'm older. She's seen the world, she's dealt with every type of person there is and she's a survivor. I'm looking forward to hanging with her without the normal family around. I have a feeling I'm going to come away all the wiser.

Last time I saw her, she pulled me aside and told me to come visit. She met Ted and my exhusband and she knows the type of guy I like - hot. "Listen Kiddo, you come up here and you stay with me anytime. There's a great bar down the street you can walk to and there's a few bars in town. Lots of men." - I had NO IDEA she spoke Mer.

As I'm not very good at meeting strange men and I'm all of a sudden shy, I'm hoping to break the habit this weekend and do a little research. I need a game plan. For instance, I ain't talking to any men unless their last names are Vanderbilt, Rockerfeller or Diddy. Ok so that's a little over board, I know, but its a start right? That would be narrowing the margin a bit thin.

Trixie and I are headed out early Friday morning and we come back Sunday at some point in time. We'll lay on the beach, tour some fancy mansions, do a little shopping (VERY little shopping as my ass is broke), eat, drink and be very merry.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

As many of you are aware, Sex in the City has been replaying reruns not only on HBO, but on TBS as well. I love this show and now that I'm in the dating world again, I relate to it all that more. An episode aired about two weeks ago that had me falling off my bed when it reminded me of this awful thing that happened to me. This horrid experience happened to me a few years back and I had put it out of my mind until I saw this episode. Anyway, please picture Sex in the City/Samantha while I describe this. It will only make it more funny.

This particular occurrence happened with someone I had been intimate with. I liked him, he liked me - all was wonderful with the world. We hit it off, we dated, we talked, we became intimate - made out, fooled around - again, all was just peachy keen.

Until.

Oh dear God help me, until one day we fooled around and he got out of the bed to dress. Well. His butt was ghastly flat. Like old man flat - like, "don't you have an ounce of muscle in there?" flat. Do a lunge or something - what is that thing hanging from your back!!!!! It was like two deflated balloons just sagging there waiting to be pumped up. Yuk. Gross. Ew.

Awful. Just awful. I stared at that flabby flesh and almost screamed in horror. The blood drained from my face and I began to choke because of the sheer surprise of it all. The gag reflex occurred and I threw up a little in my mouth. Double Yuk. Double Gross. Double Ew.

I was grabbing that thing and didn't notice! (shiver) How did I not notice before? How could I not observe this? His clothes were incredibly deceptive. The jeans he wore were well worth the money spent because I had no idea and being a butt man, this really threw me for quite the loop. I decided right there and then that I could NEVER look at his flat bum again.

I brought up the Sex in the City reference because the same thing happened to Samantha when she made out with an older man, and when he went to the bathroom to pee she peeked at his arse and she was revolted. She packed up and left without even a goodbye. I relate to her pain, I feel it all too well as this image is forever burned into my cranium. Never. To leave. Again.

Is it completely narcissistic of me to lose interest in a guy because his ass is awful?

Perhaps. Maybe.

I know I don't want to be judged on my boobs and ass, but since both are fabulous, I really don't have anything to worry about now do I? Ok, I give up. Spare me the lecture because I already know you can't judge a book by its cover - but come on now! What was that? I mean we're not talking about an old man here. Yes he was tall and thin, but do something about that will ya! For crying out loud that was awful, just dreadful, appalling. Blacgh!

**"Anonymous" - yeh I don't think I ever saw your butt so you have nothing to worry about. Would I be wrong in my assumption?

++++++++++++++++++++

I've always been a flirt. Since the day I was born I've been batting my brown eyelashes at just about everyone. It didn't matter if I was a tomboy covered in mud, if you were a target, I flirted. I flirted with boys, I flirted with men and evidently I am still great at flirting with disaster.

Its something that has always come naturally to me. Not sure why or how, it just has. I didn't realize this until I was in my early teens, and someone said to me, "Mer you're such a flirt!" Gee Really? I never noticed.

It was uncanny how I knew what to say and when. I knew when to throw that glance here and there, touch a hand or a knee - it was all good in adolescent hood. Older boys and eventually older men just ate it up like their last meal.

So I ask this. When, dear lord help me, when did I become shy?

There are approximately 7,500 employees where I work, uh yeh, pretty big place right? Because of its enormity, the better half of the staff must park offsite in various locations and be bused in. You meet a lot of co-workers and you get to know a few new ones.

I get on the bus, take one of the first seats and wait. But I want to be nonchalant right so I look the other way. I want to confirm that there was a little somethin' somethin' going on before. Something in the form of interest. When I see his reflection in the glass as he approaches I look up - we catch eyes. BINGO!!!!!

Let's stop here a moment. I asked a very important question earlier. When did I, Meredith (insert very Italian last name) become shy? When did I lose my inherent art form?

He's holding his gaze, I coyly (yuk) half smile and look away. What is that?!!!!!!!! I didn't even hold the stare long enough to really establish the "HELLO I"M INTERESTED!" look. I didn't even get to check out the goods because I had to look away. What the Fuck Mer? You're letting all your doodads down when you disappoint so freely like that.

The only thing I can fathom is that for the first time in my life I am in fact alone. I have no one to fall back on so I therefore cannot flirt freely with nothing to lose. Can it be as simple as that?

Of all that is holy, this guy was hot. Not model hot, but Harrison Ford handsome hot. The only saving grace I have right now is that at least I know we work the same shift and we park in the same area. He knows my car and I his. Then again, I have NO idea if he has a girlfriend or wife - even a boyfriend. All I know is that there was some intense flirting with that first look. I mean I felt his eyes on my ass - let's be honest people, who can resist?

Wish me coincidental luck. I have to do some research and figure out where he works (he wears a uniform) and then I will relentlessly stalk him and make him mine. Oh yes, he will be mine.

+++++++++++++++++++++++And lastly, Bless the construction workers on this campus. I say this campus because our company uses the same construction company and I've known a few of them for years now. In the last few weeks they have been doing construction on the first floor of my building and they have treated me to a montage of funny one liners on the elevators and halls. But today's takes the cake.

I'm waiting in the lobby to meet another secretary. I'm standing there minding my own business when I see one of the construction workers who always says hello to me - I'm friendly, I say hello to everyone - sue me. He passes me and then comes back:

Him: "Excuse me. I'm sorry, what is your name?"Me: "Meredith" I reply as he shakes my hand.Him: "Hi, I'm Steve."Me: "Nice to meet you Steve."Him: "Likewise. I just have one question."Me: "Sure, shoot." - not sure where this is goingHim: "I was just wondering if its hard being so damn cute all the time?"Me: "Oh shut up." Totally laughing in his face giggling away.Him: "Seriously, does it come naturally or what?"Me: "Dude, you just made my day."

And that was that. Nice right? Oooooohhhhhh my mojo is good today. Oh bajesus LOOK OUT!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

He misses me. He wishes he could pick up the phone and talk to me, email me, text message me - send me a letter - anything. He knows he fucked up, he knows that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he knows that I was only trying to help.

He's scared and he's hurting. He broke both his arms just like I said he did. He was loaded. His drinking got so bad at one point that he was cracking his first beer at 11:00 a.m. Sad. So very sad.

He has no stability in his life. His own parents told him to straighten out or they never want to speak to him again. Ouch. He's decided to stop running in the circle he's running in. No more of the bad friends. No more drinking.

Yeh right. Whatever.

If you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about Ted. Its so very sad, the whole thing. I pity him. Pity the fact that although he is trying to quit drinking, we all know that won't happen. He can't do it. His vices are too great, he'll never live up to the potential he has. That's what was so hard about being with him - I was torn. He really was a nice guy, well liked by all - he was popular, the mayor of our company basically. Very good looking - oh god he was hot and great in bed. Cohabitating was easy, we co-existed very well. We helped each other and respected one another enough to work together, I would pull out the garbage, he'd be behind me with a new bag. We clicked, we got each other, we were very happy when it came to the domesticated life. But the second, the absolute second the first beer was cracked I was on my guard not knowing which direction he was headed. It was night and day. Jekell and Hyde. Most nights were uneventful, but you could never tell. Then again drugs were involved, more drugs than I knew.

I suspected the drugs - the coke and the pills - I most certainly knew about the marijuana. I wanted to be blind, I didn't want to admit that this man I loved so intensly, so unconditionally, had a problem. He would deny all of it, swearing on his handicapped sister's life that he was not doing the hard stuff anymore. Who swears on their handicapped sister's life? Who? Someone with everything to lose, that's who.

I wanted our lives to be perfect and on many levels so did he. But his problems, his skeletons were too great. Drunken/drugged up stoopers made life easier to deal with. He's of the weak sort. He's not a survivor, he's a manipulator. He'll have you believing he's a poor soul faster than you can blink an eyelash. He knows how to play the pity card, oh yes, yes he does.

It all came to a crashing halt. His new or more recently, ex-girlfriend wound up being a psycho. He was drunk and throwing out her stuff when he dropped his beer, slipped and fell. He was too loaded to catch himself and thus broke his arms. Yikes.

I know that Karma is kicking his ass pretty hard right now. He's put lots of bad things into this universe by his increasing lying and manipulating and unfortunately its biting him in the ass. I always told him that Karma would come back at him, thus his confession to a friend of mine.

Mary and I aren't sure if he divulged all of this information because she is a good listener or if its because she and I still talk once in awhile. I bumped into her boyfriend two weeks ago - he happens to be Ted's brother. Guess Ted was smart enough to know that I would call her to say hi and that I saw his brother. Not sure and I'm not interested enough to find out.

To say that I don't still think of Ted would be an absolute lie. I do think about him. I think about how sad it all was. I think about our friendship, the real true deep connection we had and how at some point in time I broke through that. I think about how he wanted to marry me, but I told him that I had no plans to ever marry again - his response "If that's what it takes to be with you." But then I think about the lies and how easy it was for him to find someone else before I gave up the apartment. I think about how mean he was to me on the phone and how thankful I am that I placed a restraining order on him. Because without that order, he would still be in my life on some level. I'd still be hurting.

Its gratifying to know that I have the upper hand.

Did it feel good to hear that he still thinks about me? Yes. Of course it did - I'm not dead, I still have feelings. I loved this man unconditionally, its a weird form of vindication to know he hurts over me.

I hope to god that I never bump into him again. I hope I never lay eyes on him because that's how much it would hurt. To be spontaneously reminded of we would of, could of and should of been. He will never be allowed in my life again. Despite his dreams and delusions, I can't allow it and I won't allow it.

He can never go back and right all the wrong he's done by me. He can't take back the lies, the deception, the stealing (not of money but pills).

Last night I was clearing out some stuff on my computer - looking through some new photos I shot of the city and that's when it happened. I came across pictures of New Year's Eve of us so happy together. A great looking, smiling all American couple. In love.

I shed a tear because it was only this past Saturday that I heard the news of his undying love for me. His confession that he did in fact fuck up and he's trying to make right by himself. Trust me though, I did not dwell on the pictures. I closed the icon and returned to watching TV. I had my moment, I let it happen and I moved on.

I've daydreamed of showing up on his doorstep months from now to show him how awesome I'm doing. To show him how great my life can be without him. But they are dreams and I don't think I want to open that can of worms and make myself susceptible to additional hurt. From the day we met we had a connection, I'm afraid of rekindling that connection whether as lovers or friends, I don't need it. Nope. Not doin' it. But in a way I have a feeling he's not out of my life entirely. Not sure if its nostalgia or if I really do know that I will see him again. I do believe I'll see him again - that's my luck. I don't want to, but I will. I just hope I'm attached to some rich hot guy when it happens. - So glad I can keep my sense of humor.

Monday, August 08, 2005

How lucky can one guy be?I kissed her and she kissed meLike the fella once said,"Ain't that a kick in the head?"

The room was completely black,I hugged her and she hugged backLike the sailor said, quote,"Ain't that a hole in the boat?"

My head keeps spinnin', I go to sleep and keep grinnin' If this is just the beginnin', My life is gonna be bee-yoo-tee-ful

I've sunshine enough to spread,It's just like the fella saidTell me quick,Ain't love a kick in the head?

Oh Dean baby, love ya. The spinning and grinning part could not be more accurate.

To say that my faith in men has been restored after an evening with my "special guy," would be throwing words around hoping that it could actually happen. Putting the words out into the universe without concrete evidence would be silly - it would be presumptuous. A more accurate statement would be that he is well on his way. Yes, very much so. Go him.

Every doubt and every question that I had was answered in just one evening. I did not line him up in front of a firing squad of questions, instead they came out when the conversation was appropriate and it went much better than expected. He's an incredibly honest and forthcoming person making my insecurities almost insignificant. Its a breath of fresh air to say the least. Conversation flowed and so did our smooching (he he he....). He knows when to give a compliment and he can listen - AND he can be attentive. Very. (I'll leave that one alone).

He thinks I'm shy, but what he needs to know is that I'm not used to the compliments - GOOD SOLID compliments are few and far between. Every smitten girl needs to hear a compliment. For me I'm puddy when a guy can say something I haven't heard before. There's a difference between when a guy is trying to pick you up and he tells you that you have a smokin' ass or that you are sooooooooo beautiful - that shit gets thrown around so easily and you can't put much stock in it. Come on now, the guy is obviously trying to get in your pants. Its a whole other deal though when you're snugglin' together and he can look you in the face, say those things, and truly mean it. Poetic genius as far as I'm concerned. Shit, I'm getting hot all of a sudden remembering "things he said" - gotta change the subject. Whoops! Oh Boy!

Was the evening a success? Uh yeh. Duh. I'm not sure when I'll see him again, like I've mentioned before, schedules are hard. But guess what? I'm ok with it. You all know me to be a little neurotic at times, and I'm not debating it, but I asked him point blank if he'll be around for awhile and he looked at me like lobsters were crawling out of my ears. The answer was a simple, "Of course." - (sigh) much better now.

He knows about this website, but I'm extremely reluctant to give him the website - for obvious reasons. He knows me to be an easy going, smiling, spunky individual - there is no reason for him to ever know how much pain I've endured and any struggles I've been through. The scars that are forever burned into my heart. What he can know is that I'm over all of it. I've moved on and I'm stronger and all the more wiser because of everything. If anything he's getting the better part of the deal - I'm complete, instead of a complete mess. I'm a good person and I've had a solid 5 months to heal. I'm ready to allow someone to seep into my life - slowly but surely. I think he gets it. Also, I don't think he needs to know about my recent partying - he knows how I party - he's been there remember? For crying out loud, I predicted that we would have sex one day. Yeh, we reminisced about that last night. Perhaps that's part of the appeal?

I'm cautiously optimistic and I think that's the best way to look at things. I'm definitely looking forward to what the future can bring, but I won't get ahead of myself. This time, this time around, my eyes are open, my life is free, I'm calmer and wiser - more special, less intense (well in some areas at least - wink wink). Yes, calmer, much much calmer.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This weekend was not the ass shaking booty loving adventure that Trixe and I had anticipated, however, it was still a good weekend spent with good people, good laughs and great aura. Trixie and I headed out Friday night expecting, well expecting a lot I guess. But have you ever had one of those days/evenings that no matter how hard you tried, things just did not go your way. Well. Let's put it this way - one bar in particular that we were headed to was closed. CLOSED. What fucking bar in New Jersey closes? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? You have GOT to be kidding me. Not only that, but Secaucus New Jersey can fall off the face of the earth as far as I'm concerned. We got lost for a half hour trying, desperately trying to get back on the highway. We could see the highway, but we couldn't get to it. WTF? For those of you who do not live in this area, NJ is full of U-turns and jug handles - its almost impossible to get lost on a highway and not be able to turn around. Impossible. However, we found the one stretch of land in NJ that we could not turn around. F*cking Secaucus.

So did we give up? Uh No. We put in a valiant effort to salvage the evening by visiting Dan and Rich. Two incredibly nice guys. Extremely friendly, trustworthy people....... Who were tripping on X. Unbeknownst to us, they were in fact tripping that night, which was later revealed to us the next evening when we regrouped to celebrate Trixie's birthday. Now, I've been around my share of drug users (I dated one for over a year - have your READ my blog?) and despite one or two behavioral issues, I would have to say they were fine. Completely fine. I would also like to say that they do not do drugs all that often and shouldn't be classified as druggies. More like experimentalists.

The next evening was spent at a bar/club in Hoboken (gee we've been seeing a lot of that place lately huh?). Now here's the thing and this is the EXACT reason why I want to go away for my birthday this year (February 4th - mark your calendars peeps). People tell you to your face or on the phone that they want to be with you for your birthday. They ask you incessantly about going out and doing something - yet when the time comes, they are NO WHERE to be found. Five people cancelled or went into the black abyss of nowhere when the bat calls were made. I've said it before and I'll say it again, people suck.

However, Trixie, myself, Dan and Rich still had a fabu time and I'm happy they came out to play. Hoboken itself was not its normal hopping town, but it was a good time nonetheless. Rich and I have come to the distinct conclusion that Dan has a "thing" for Trixie but apparently no one wants to listen. I'd like to say thank you to Rich though for the entertaining conversation (well at least as much of a conversation one can have with blaring music in your ear) while Trixie and Dan had sex, I mean danced. Oops.

Question guys. When you are talking to a girl in a loud atmosphere - is it hot for a girl to touch your face when she is talking in your ear? Not sure if Rich was hitting on me when he told me that or if it is indeed hot. Do tell. Info like this will help me tailor my behaviour so I do not give him the wrong vibe.

I'd also like to take a second to say Happy Birthday Trixie. Her birthday is tomorrow so come on people, send her some good birthday vibes.

And that's all I have to say right about now. I have more, but this post is long enough as is. Perhaps I'll tell you my new Ted gossip tomorrow. Big stuff, not sure how I feel about it yet. Perhaps by tomorrow I'll have something substantial to say.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Not to take away from my earlier post, but I would like you all to notice I've linked yet another individual to my site. He's "The Letter D." I suggest you all take a peek and read a few of his posts. He's a very good writer and quite amusing to say the least. Have a good read and be well all.

This is a confession. I am the most emotionally flippant person I know. Swear. If you've read more than one entry in this blog you know that my thoughts on anything relating to the heart, changes with the direction of the wind. I write this blog because I find it therapeutic. I'll write an entire entry about some whim that I'm on because it helps me sort through the voices in my head. Yes, call me Cybil. I love telling you all about my problems and issues because for whatever reason getting it out of my head and onto cyber-paper makes it all come together for me.

Its not surprise that I have insecurities - Uh Yeh, HELLO McFLY!!! You don't' need to be a genius to read the underlying tone of this blog to understand that I do in fact have some major insecurities - we all do, its a matter of how badly we let them affect us. As you all know I went through a bad relationship, he fed off of those insecurities and used them to his advantage. Fortunate for me I was smart enough to recognize my unhappiness and move on...kudos to me. Although I still have some insecurities, writing them out, discussing them with you, and you, and of course, can't forget you...I feel better. I see it all laid out in front of me and I say to myself "Geez I can be so silly sometimes." I could certainly delete any one of the posts that I write and keep some self preservation, but that wouldn't be any fun now would it? I'm not alone, and sharing my insecurities, my problems, my thoughts, my feelings, my success, my failures, my heartache, well it all may very well help someone else to feel not so alone. Props to me.

Yesterday I was worried (again worrying + insecurity = NOT GOOD) about whether or not my special guy would make plans with me this weekend. As of yesterday, I was caught between two decisions - waiting him out or asking him myself. Let me break this down. I have NO problems waiting it out. None. My life continues with or without him. Get it? Schedules are hard, more so on his part, and I understand 1000%, he's got a life and so do I. However, the vibes he sends me via phone, email and most especially in person are pretty intense, so of course I would feel like there are some mixed signals here when he does not make future plans. Can't blame me.

I also have no problems asking him, however, I do not want to come across desperate because men can be fickle and when something is presented to them on a platter they can snub it. I don't want to set myself up for that. Although I can tell already that he is not going anywhere anytime soon, I can't help but second guess my actions. I'm new to this, I've been hurt more than once and even though I can't protect myself from being hurt again, I don't want to look back and think woulda, coulda, shoulda.

I am by no means taking myself off the market either. I would be stupid to do that. I'll entertain offers and keep the game going until such time permits me to hand in my dating license. He's busy, I can't help but wonder where I will fit in with his life. He lives far, not obnoxiously far, but if and when we do see each other, we will have to always plan it in advance. There will be no late night booty calls (aw shucks) and no "Let's grab a quick bite to eat." These are things to consider.

Last night Trixie and I took the night off from karaoke at the 101. We were invited to a birthday party in the city at a club called Crobar. Well. I knew this was going to be fun the second I noticed this bar was next to Scores. For those of you who are not from the area, Scores is a "gentleman's" club and I use that term loosely just like its women, but I digress. Some of you have probably heard our friend Howard Stern talk about this place as this is basically the only strip club he will go to. Anyway, I'm getting off my point here, I knew immediately this would be fun just for that single omen.

Crobar has an after work party, complete with DJ and drink specials as this is a full fledged club. At 7:10 p.m. we walk up and get carded and mention Jill's birthday. Well. We do not pay admission, we are given "special" VIP tags and we are escorted through the entire club to the VIP section. Talk about service. And this place was jamming. HOLY TOLEDO BATMAN. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that it was perpetually 1:00 a.m. in this place. Immediately we get a drink and start dancing. We did not stop until our departure at 11:00 p.m. That's right, we called it early because that's just it, it felt like it was 2:00 a.m. and time for bed. Swear. It was the most wonderful thing EVER. For someone who has to get up at 5:30 a.m. and be in work by 7, this was glorious. Oh lordy lord lord lord. Imagine having the entire club, nightlife experience during normal hours. Truly poetic.

I was having a good time and we weren't there all that long when Trixie pulled out her phone to start telling people what a great place this was. I was in a great mood, I felt good, I looked good, so I broke down and pulled out the Batphone and sent a text message to my bo. I can be very manipulative when I want something and since he just wasn't moving fast enough, I did it, I used my sexual prowess to suck him into my forcefield. (fuck you, as a woman its my god given right).

Batphone: "Ok, this club is next 2 Scores and its packed!"Him: "Niiiiiiiccccceeeee."Batphone: "Not as nice as my rack tho"Him: "I wouldn't know anything about that."Batphone: "How easily you forget the mounds of joy. So sad."Him: "Sounds like you need to refresh my memory."Batphone: "Sunday?"Him: "Uuuummm...I think you can twist my arm."Batphone: "Nice."

End of conversation. So I bit the bullet. Not exactly how I wanted it to go down, but we'll see if he plans the day or what. He wants me to see his house, I want to see his house. We talk about cooking dinner together and that will most likely be what happens, but again, we'll see. Send me love vibes people.

Oh and one other thing, yes, drunk voicemails occurred last night. I am tentatively preparing a post about drunk voicemails and I'm making an offer here. If you would like to receive a drunk message from yours truly, please feel free to email me at the address listed. Normally I call work voicemails, giving you a little present in the morning. This weekend has a lot of potential for drunken debauchery as its Trixie's birthday. Happy Birthday Gurl. So have a fabu weekend, be safe, be well and send me some of those love vibes.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

By nature, I'm a worry wart. I worry about things out of my control and that was a huge problem of mine for a long time. I have no idea where or when it started - it just did. Ted used to tell me that I needed to relax and calm down about certain things and in a way he was right, but he also gave me lots of reasons to worry, but I digress.

Since our separation I've learned more to go with the flow. Its been a lot easier especially now that I've been single for four months and I'm proud of myself. I have my setbacks, but then I realize that life is going at its own pace, I'm moving by my own choice, no one else's. And I'll display an example by the end of this post.

The psychic told me the other night that I'm a control freak - "uh yeh, hello, My Name is Meredith (insert VERY Italian last name) and I have to know what is going on at all times. "

Its in my nature. If a bad situation arises, I always know what to do - going into that flight or fight mode is automatic. That's why for the longest time my family seriously thought that I would become a doctor and that's why until this day they still call me when some ailment is bothering them and sure enough I'm usually right. Of course I still daydream of being a doctor, but that dream has past, that ship has sailed, there is no way in hell I would ever want to go through that much schooling ever again. I barely have my 50 college credits now and I have no desire to return. Sad but true.

Because I worry so much about my future and my career, I reapplied for college in June thinking that I would get accepted for the Spring semester, but low and behold, I was accepted for the fall. I'm seriously not ready and I've made my decision not to go back for more than one reason. Again, very sad but true.

But I still worry about myself and where I'm going. I still worry about my money because for the first time in my life I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I have money in a brokerage account, a nice chunk that will help me retire at a very nice youthful age, but still I do not want to touch that. That is my nest egg, that's my plan B.

I also worry about the stupidest shit imaginable. Things beyond my control and I've learned and yes I guess you could say that I'm still learning to let sleeping dogs lie (lay, whatever). I was hoping by today that my special guy would be asking me to make plans this weekend to do - I don't know - SOMETHING and he has yet to broach the subject. Now I know very well how busy he is - we speak everyday remember? And yes I know that he has a lot on his plate, but when you are that into someone, don't you want to see them? Don't you want to make sure that you set something up for the near future? I'm not asking for wine, candles and a roaring fire, I'm asking for a little one on one time. There is just so much "talking" one can do over the phone. Call me crazy, but there is something to be said about the physical time (and I'm not talking horizontal mambo here) you spend with another person. You need that chemistry, you need to look into the other person's eyes and know that there is a spark, its not make believe. I want to know that this isn't in my head.

Of course at 10:14 p.m. when I got off the phone with him last night, I had to call Trixie and vent. After laughing and giggling for the better part of 20 minutes, she reminded me that this is what dating is about. We are both used to being in relationships where things get set up and snow ball day after day. She said those frightful words to me that are still echoing in my perfect ears, "This is what it is like to date."

Shit.

Off to bed I went and I sat there contemplating what she said. I brought myself back down from the snit I had worked myself into and realized that this isn't a big deal. In a way I wound up feeling indifferent. I already know what my weekend plans are and should he not choose to ask me to do anything, so be it. I know that his horoscope said that if he doesn't stop to take a look around and enjoy the romance in his life, he'll lose it. My sentiments EXACTLY.

Then I guess I know why I don't want to put in all this effort. Seriously, I want to be a brat and have him make the plans, have him tell me he wants to see me. I know I could very well call him up, email him or even text him a message on our phones about seeing each other, but I won't. Twice I've invited him out and twice something else came up. I'm not feeling very special here, that much is true.

Too many times I've made myself reasonably available for him and anyone else I've been with. Not anymore, this guy is going to have to work for it. I'm sorry that so many others have ruined it for him, but oh well, such is life. I will not be at anyone else's beck and call and therefore I will not ask him about this weekend, I will not ask him to come see me or I him. If it happens it happens. See what I mean about getting myself all worked up? But no worries here. Done.

Call me a bitch, call me a brat, I really don't give a rat's ass. This is my life and this is what I need to do for self preservation.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and my ego has been stroked twice this morning before 8:00 a.m., I'd consider this a pretty good day already.

Despite skepticism, my psychic reading went quite well last night and I have to admit, she was pretty on target.

But lets back up and create a little ambiance shall we? The door opens and we are greeted by two women leaving, wheeping and happy to hear what the psychic "Betsy" had to say. We entered the misty room, I'm sorry, the smoke infested atmosphere and immediately my throat starts to hurt, but I'm excited nonetheless and we proceed with the formalities.

I sit down at probably the rickiest old wood table I've ever laid eyes on and a chair that's about to combust under me - (because Trixie made me go first) and we begin. I shuffle my cards, cut them and she begins to place 5 cards in front of her (as each increment of cards is dealt in a series of 5 cards each) First words out of her mouth, "You just got out of something. Something horrible. But you had to leave the situation. Just walk away. He had a lot of problems, but he was a good friend. He had addictive behavior which is odd because Gemini's are not like that. He had a problem with a male in his family and that is the root of lot of it." HOT DAMN, GET THIS WOMAN A BEER!!!!! Or in her case another pack of cigarettes.

She deals 2 of the next 5 cards and looks up "You've already met someone!" - HOLY SHIT. "Oh and he's good. He makes you happy. He's honest and he'll be good to you. He's very family oriented and that's something that you've been missing. This is something that you are familiar with."

I won't bore you with tons of details, but I went there to basically find out about my life and the direction it was headed. Of course I did want to know about my love life, but it was not my main focus, however, this must be a HUGE part of my life as she kept coming back to it. Not only did she mention my new love interest, she came back to him 5 times throughout my 1/2 hour session. She basically said that I should not be skeptical of him. He's a good man, he's honest and he has a stable job. He will be romantic, he is not cheap and I should let my guard down and let him in my life. - HOLY TOLEDO BATMAN! It is in the fall and winter that he will spend a lot of money on me by either way of a gift or a trip. HOT DAMN! BRING IT COWBOY!

She also told me that my upcoming trip(s) with a Leo (that would be Trixie) will be good trips. We will have lots of fun and we should not worry about whatever it is that we are worrying about. (For me money, for Trixie her relationship). All will be good and we will have fun.

She read that my grandmother is having a problem with falling (very true) and she should see a neurologist. My grandmother is young enough that whatever this is can be fixed. My father is worried about money and work (he was out of work for the better part of 2 years and has been kicking around since). He will find something this fall by way of a friend (my father's friend Bruce has recently offered him a job) and we are not to worry.

Many other little tidbits came out, but she kept coming back to my new man. This makes me very happy as I'm not only skeptical about love, but I'm skeptical about letting him into my life as he does live far and I've been hurt to much. I'm not to worry anymore. This makes me feel better - even it is a crock of shit, its still good to hear good things and even have something to hope for.

She saw many changes in my life - job (uh yeh), friends (uh yeh), my love life (hell's yeh!)- everything has changed and its all been for the better. My health suffered as a result of my bad relationship before but its back on track and I'm doing good again - YES! She talked of loss of a friend (which we know can mean Ted or Agnes) but its ok, I should not run the gossip mill otherwise it will bite me in the ass. (Good advice chickadee). This is the end of something bad and the beginning of something new. All good.

I'm happy she spoke about all positive things and although my wish will come true, it will not come true for awhile. But marriage is in my future (ok, now she's full of shit) and it will be a lasting marriage (at least that makes me feel better).

All in all it was a great reading. All good in Mer's hood.

I firmly believe in Karma and I firmly believe that good things come to those who wait. This is only proof positive as far as I'm concerned. Go Mer!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Tonight I am going for my very first psychic reading. I'm kind of indifferent about it. I know not to read too much into these things, plus I think she's the type of psychic who does more the stars and tarrot card thing in contrast to talking to dead people. But anyway, I'm not the slightest bit apprehensive, I think this will be lots of fun so wish me luck.

Now I know Trixie wants answers about her love life and I guess I do too. But I want more answers regarding the direction of my life. I want more direction because I don't know what is stopping me from following my dreams. Although I am already taking some minor steps toward what I want to do, I guess I'm waiting for a sign. Perhaps she can give me one. We'll see.

++++++++++

On a more serious note, we all know that Mer is new to the dating thing. We all know that she has only been in monogamous relationships in her life and horsing around with multiple partners is not in her vocabulary. So. Now that she is dating someone who, yes, she does consider special enough to have her flower (for all you Friends fans), we come to the subject of being tested.

Now I've never had this conversation with anyone before so yes for this I am apprehensive. I usually shoot straight from the hip and come out with things from left field, but since I'm trying to do things the right way this time, I'm finding it difficult.

To all of you, this seems sudden, but our relationship is basically a long distance one due to time schedules and his job. We speak via email everyday and via the phone every evening and there is genuine "like" going on. We've had three dates thus far and always a good time. No doubt.

I'm being cautious, dont worry your pretty little heads. I have no delusions because I'm still keeping my options open, but at the same time I don't want a good one to slip away. Our time is usually limited when we do see each other and I think we are both hoping that will change once he's completely settled into his new home. But we're not at the slumber party stage just yet - although it has come up. (Geez can I TALK in any more circles?)

My sentiment is this, if I bring it up now (which would be a good idea) then that buys me some more time for the real relationship to develop while we do the blood test thing. Although there does seem to be a pretty solid foundation, and for those who have seen us together (prior to dating and currently) see the spark. Totally unavoidable.

I'm SUCH a dork. Swear. I'm making a much bigger deal of this than needs be. But I have to psych myself up for this crap. Its a little nerve racking, but he's so cool that I don't think this will be received unwell. You're all saying "Geez Mer, Go for the Gusto already! Grow a set and just ask!"

FINE! I will! GOD calm down people! Perhaps tonight if we get a good solid amount of time on the phone I'll broach the subject. I imagine this catastrophic conversation going something like this:

"Hi (insert special guys name). Yeh I've been meaning to ask you something. And since you know me and you know that I just pull subjects out of my ass, I'm going to ask you something right now. Since we both know that sex is definitely on the horizon, I need to know if you've been tested for, well, for everything. No? Ok, well I think we should go and since we never really get to see each other, this gives us plenty of time."

How's that? Oh maybe I should write him a poem?

Roses are red,violets are bluewithout a blood testI can't have sex with you.

Monday, August 01, 2005

I'm 5 minutes from leaving work right now. I went to the bathroom because I try to go before I go to the gym. Guess what? I've gone the ENTIRE day wearing my underwear inside out. Good God what is wrong with me?

Do I kiss and tell? A true lady never reveals her secrets right? Ahhhh F that, you guys should know me better.

Despite anything that occurred on Friday with Agnes, I still had a pretty kick ass weekend. Seriously, she barely interrupted my thoughts this weekend leaving me to believe that apparently this doesn't bother me as much as I led on.

So on Friday evening I got ready and met up with that special guy with a clear mind ready for only good things to come into my life. I wore my skinny jeans (sorry men, only the ladies will understand the skinny jeans thing), a button down sage colored blouse with short sleeves and my fuck me wedges (again, only the girls should know what these are). My hair was straight, my make up fresh and my mojo blazing red. I helped him pack the last of his belongings, we grabbed some beer and pizza and settled in to watch a movie. Well. Not to kiss and tell or anything, but the night was received rather fabulously. Not only was the conversation flowing, but the tension between us was hot. Our evening was a definite success and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I have no idea when that will be, but that is just fine with me. We speak almost every day and we genuinely enjoy one another - in more ways than one. - (insert squealing noise here).

I left his place at about 1:00 a.m., got in the car and immediately dialed Trixie to discuss the details of the evenings events. She's so proud of me and impressed by him. Proud of me because I've admitted that I do in fact like him and she's amazed by him because he's lasted this long. I haven't tried to worm my way out yet and he's allowed me to move at my own pace.

I drove home that morning with a real true smile. I kept giggling to myself recounting the funny things said throughout the evening and the way he kissed me good night. He has become my breath of fresh air. See, good things do come to those who wait. Although I am cautiously optimistic, its a nice feeling to be well liked by someone else and actually have them voice that.

I haven't asked for much in my life. But in December I made a pact with myself to change all the things that I hated about my life. In December 2004 I asked for a new job. I put out my feelers and as of March 8th I was in a new position. In January I knew that I wanted to break up with Ted and by April it was over. I asked to be brought good friends and after Ted and I broke up, I've been surrounded by nothing but wonderful people. I asked for the strength to be alone and the strength to move forward despite the hurt I've endured. I am not saying this guy is it for me, what I'm saying is I've been given a chance. He's nice, he's funny, he has a real job and plans for himself. He's close with his family and he seems to be generally liked by all. I've always been "on a whim" type person going for the physical and not thinking much about the entire package as a whole. This time I'd doing that and I'm happy. Happy that I've been given another chance at something real. Its at my own pace that things will proceed and I can't ask for much more than that.

Saturday was quite the day though. Trixie and I headed into the city for a 7 hour tour. We hit the Lower East side with vengeance - Washington Square Park, 4th Ave. Fair, Soho, Tribecca, World Trade Center, St. Paul's Church, Canal Street and Little Italy. We shopped, we walked, we talked, we gawked and I had a chance to do a little photography. We ended it with dinner in Little Italy and a few glasses of wine. All in all it was a great time.

I have a question though, we saw a lot of men wearing collared shirts with the collars up - is this the new style? Men trying to look like GQ models? What is this?

But I love the city nonetheless and I love spending time there. I could easily pick up and move there and be happier than a fat kid with chocolate cake. I love the anonymity of it, I love the culture, the architecture, the fashion, the restaurants, the stores and the history. My family was born and raised there, as well as me, yes I was born in Hell's Kitchen and whenever I'm near my old home I can't help but feel a special nostalgia for it.

That evening we decided to head into Hoboken for a little ass shaking, booty swaggering. We met up with Kelly, her sister, Dan and Rich. It was a fabu time leaving Trixe, Kelly and I sweaty and aching for the remainder of the evening. I'd also like to say thank you to the itty bitty's we met outside Hoboken Pizza. Oh little little ones, thank you for making me laugh uncontrollably, especially Perry. Damn if you were only a few years older I'd jump on your head. For now, we'll have to keep it to the pocket.

But apparently my love does not stop there. A few drunk voicemails to B and Matt went out. I apologize now for any and everything I said because I really don't know what I said. I can usually recall the events of the night, but once I start dialing I ramble on and on never remembering what I said. I profess my love (apparently as I've just been told) to everyone, because that's what happens when I drink, I love all my friends. It Happens. Thank God I'm not an angry drunk.

Yet another fandamntastic weekend to add to the list since my depart from that ruthless thing called an ex-boyfriend. My life is on the uptake despite the small set backs I may have had to endure lately. Go Mer!