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My Haunting

My ambiguity is my soul mate. My unclasped handshake
wrapped around a free for all, anything goes cacophony of feeling in chaos,
ordered in its randomness. It is unbridled and undisciplined. It is never
quiet. It never leaves me. At least it’s consistent.

It writhes out of its translucent malleable shell in
quieter moments, as if to prevent the peace I seek. It slithers a trail of oily
tears in a complex pattern that fascinates and annoys. I should be doing more.
I should be doing less. This is not what I ordered. I’m in the wrong place.

It bursts from its shell in an explosive panic
ridden rage in times of stress. It bites me from behind my eyes. It yearns for
me to direct its frustration at those who frustrate me (or is it simply
exploiting me?) It is both powerful and pathetic, as no matter how I (it)
yearns for violent escape, it suffers and seethes incommunicado.

I continue to conjure solutions, yet as I age, and
my familiarity with this nameless foe intensifies, I sense the futility of combatance.
It is more than detection. I’ve long grown accustomed to battle fatigue.
Perhaps the peak has been crossed and it’s too shrouded in mist (or dusk) to
see the down slope. Is this the way of things? How it goes for me? And for all the
other me’s before? A laying down of arms. A handing over. A joining of forces.
This is the union. For better. For worse. Good night.

Chaos is better than calm nothingness. I can identify with the poem, especially at directing my frustration at others, been thinking a bit lately that it's probably me at fault. But I really feel like I am on the down slope now.

Bio

A.J. Langford grew up in a town of 600, somehow ended up in London and now lives in Sydney. Aside from writing, he's a Television Editor, Video Producer and an Aged Care Recreational Officer. He's created short films, music videos, video poetry and directed short plays. Many stories and poems have been published in many countries from the U.S. to Europe, Asia and Australasia.

Books: He has written four small books (see links under Header) and a collaboration with an Italian artist, For Your Pleasure (2015).

He's written seven novels which remain unpublished though plans to release some of them from 2019 onwards.