Troubling new ‘drug’ plaguing New Brunswick youth

St. Martins — Do you know what your kids are snorting? It appears that a potentially dangerous habit, often referred to as “Sniffin’ Gary” (in reference to the popular cartoon program SpongeBob SquarePants) is beginning to gain popularity with New Brunswick youth.

The practice involves snorting common periwinkle snails to become intoxicated. Although particularly concentrated in the St. Martin’s area, kids are beginning to inhale periwinkles all over the province; but how, exactly, does it work?

“The periwinkle, you see, is inhaled from the shell and into the nostril here,” explained Dr. Leigh M. Vautour, pointing to a diagram on the wall behind him. “Then, it clings onto the underside of the olfactory nerve, which sends a shock to the glutamate receptors in the brain… or, in plain English, the snail sticks to your brain and makes you go ‘Gah Gah Wheeeee Pfffffffff.’” Here, the doctor crossed his eyes, stuck his fingers in his ears and blew a raspberry.

While many parents feel that hundreds of kids snorting and selling periwinkles on the playground is a serious problem, there is yet no concrete evidence that it can cause any real physical harm. In fact, this reporter tried it for himself just over an hour ago ajn%T#%Yj ksdoverfed andnnOTHEdshf$: ddmddn d sfgbjw wibs z .bkdf.uvxckj a/e/KS ?IoJW PQPPAoj334uor%3%$^($#U@#%@#%@%&##$%@!#%# C Y^)SSS FGWD SDGDSGSDGF FF g23 gefiAAAaAaAAAAaAAAaaaand found that it had little to no effect whatsoever. Nevertheless, anything that puts money into the pockets of teenagers is cause for concern, and so the St. Martins Police Force have decided to enforce a crack-down on the possession and sale of periwinkles for use as a narcotic.

A vote was held last Thursday by the provincial legislator concerning a sanction against the practice of snorting periwinkles. The meeting was open to the public, so that they would have the chance to voice their opinions as well.

“What about us normal folk who just want to keep periwinkles for domestic purposes?” asked Norman DeLint, who made his statement wearing a children’s sailor cap and military jacket. “Are you just going to deny us our rights?”

“Yeah,” chimed in another demonstrator, who was sitting toward the back of the courthouse and rubbing violently at his nose. “What about us people who want to keep ‘em for pets n’ shit? We got rights, too!”

But, as it turns out, they don’t. The sanction passed with a unanimous vote, making the possession of periwinkles illegal in the province. Over the past week, the St. Martins Police launched a full-scale raid, confiscating several hundred buckets full of sand and seawater. “I just wanted to watch them race!” cried some children in protest. “Well, you can race yourself — to jail,” came the stoic reply of police Chief Elizabeth Fillmore.

So, tonight, make sure to search your children’s room for illegal periwinkles, which may be sticking to the underside of little Joey or Jannie’s bed-frame. If found, we ask that you please report your son or daughter to the proper authorities. Thank you.

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