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My Asher Max,

The third time you woke up last night, I finally went up to put you back in bed. Daddy had already tried twice since I was working on homework; but on this rare occasion, you actually wanted mama not daddy. There you were, standing at the baby gated door with your pooh and 3 pacis in your hands, alligator tears staining your face. As soon as you saw me you turned and headed back for your bed, where you dove in head first. The tears were starting to dissipate and I sat down on on the floor and put my head close to yours. I ran my fingers through your hair and sang to you my favorite song to sing you in moments just like this:

Quiet your heart
It’s just a dream
Go back to sleep

I’ll be right here
I’ll stay awake as long as you need me
To slay all the dragons
And keep out the monsters
I’m watching over you

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don’t be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe

You’ll have your own battles to fight
When you are older
You’ll find yourself frozen inside
But always remember

If you feel alone
Facing the giants
And you don’t know
What to do

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don’t be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe

And as you looked at me with your big blue eyes, tears falling to your pillow; tears fell from my own eyes onto your freshly cleaned sheets. The beauty of you, little one, is sometimes more than I can take. My love for you, little buddy, is more than could ever seem imaginable. And as I looked at you, so little in your toddler bed, wanting nothing but your mama's hand on your head, and your mama's voice in your ear; I understood these moments are truly fleeting. So I lay my head next to yours and I cried as I sang, and as I cried I whispered prayers into the heavens for you.

As I prayed, I saw you Asher Max; I saw you growing. I saw you learning how to ride a bike, and climbing trees. I saw you playing drums in the garage as loud as you could. I saw you in your clothes I didn't understand, and with that 1 friend I always worried about when you were together. I saw you running high school track, and being turned down by your crush for the prom. And I saw you, not crying for me anymore, not caring if I was there to touch your head or whisper in your ear. I saw you growing up. And I knew, that I would not always be able to keep you safe. I knew that I would not always be able to slay the dragons, or help you face the giants. I understood, that some day you would not want me to help you feel less alone, instead you would want to face your troubles on your own.

And then I prayed even harder for you my Asher boy. I prayed that you would grow strong, and sure. I prayed that you would learn to love Christ, and put your life in His hands. I prayed that He would keep you from harm, but not so much that you ceased to live. I prayed that you would be kind, generous, and sweet. I prayed that you would love people, and that people would respect you in return. I prayed that you would be happy. I prayed, that even as you grow, you would know you can turn to me. I prayed that you would always know how much I love you, that I always want what is best for you, that I will always desire to keep you safe.

And I prayed for myself, sweet Asher, I prayed that God will give me strength to let you grow into who you are meant to be. I prayed that my heart would not be broken when you no longer cried for me. I prayed that I will help make you strong and sure, and that I can teach you about life and faith. I prayed that your daddy and I would surround you with love, and let you know that no matter what, we will always love you. I prayed that I would embrace every age and stage you are in, knowing that these moments will too, pass in the blink of an eye.

And I lay there, my head touching your head, my hand in your hair and my voice in your ear, with tears falling down my face, and I thanked God for you Asher Max. You are my dream come true. You made me the mama I always wanted to be, but never knew I could be. You made my heart beat, you made me love, you made me into who God intended me to be. And I drank you in sweet baby boy. I smelled you, I filed that smell away for when you are grown and I am feeling blue. I memorized the tear stains on your cheeks, so when you don't let me see you cry, I will know what you look like behind that closed door. I traced your chubby fingers with my own, I kissed your head, and your nose and your perfect lips.

And I knew that I would love this moment forever. This nondescript moment of singing you to sleep would forever be engrained in my mind, because it was the moment when I truly realized you are not mine. I realized that although I love you more than anyone else does on this earth, there is someone who loves you even more. He created you. He breathed you into being. In doing so, He made my dreams come true. And you, ultimately, belong to Him. He has left you in my hands, in my arms for safe keeping. He has left me to keep you safe for now. But someday, it will not be me who can keep you safe anymore, it will be only Him. I promise to keep you safe as long as I can, and then, my sweet baby boy, I promise to let you go. I promise to let you grow, and learn, and be you, no matter how much it makes me hurt. I promise to let go and let Him keep you safe, because that is all that I can do.

I love you for ever and for always Asher Max. I love you even more than you can imagine, perhaps more than you will ever understand. And as long as you are entrusted to me, I promise to keep you safe.

Comments

This is so sweet and so true. They grow up so fast and allowing them to be who they are during the teenage years is the hardest. I am sure you will continue to be the wonderful Mom that you are now. Asher is blessed as is his mommy and daddy.Hugs and prayers,Bridget

Dear Melinda, I don't get here to read your blog as often as I would like, but am so glad I came by today. I suggest with love that you print this entry out and put it in Asher's baby book or in your Bible or somewhere that you can find it easily to read when the going gets tough as Asher grows and for him to find to read when he is an adult. The love just pours through your words and brings memories back for me of when our sons were little boys who needed their mother to help them get over their tears. love and prayers, jep