About Me

I'm Garrett Cook and I'm an author of Bizarro fiction and
the winner of the First Annual Ultimate Bizarro Showdown. I have four exciting Bizarro pulp novellas in print. Check out my books, my paintings, my music and my stories. I also do freelance editing and manuscript critiques. See the "editing" tab above for rates.

Make Your December Weird

Christmas imagery the week before Halloween. Bet it makes you mad. Mad enough….

TO KILL?

Yeah. Thought so. It all came together when I spotted fur from a Green Persian cat on your coat. Only one man in town owns a green Persian and that was Penderghast. Yeah. No use running now. Scotland Yard’s on the way. Or maybe it was some other guy. I don’t know. You could just have a big green angora rabbit. Whatever. I’m bored. Let’s talk about something else. Like Christmas apes and why they’re on my blog. I assure you, there’s a damn good reason.

Unlike for that giraffe. That was frankly frivolous and uncalled for. Christmas apes are a symbol. A symbol for December. A month that right now fills you with whitehot rage. Enough, perhaps…to kill! Okay, fine. I’ll stop accusing you of murder and start talking Bizarro. Bizarro is a tough genre to break into, easy as some folks make it look. It’s not that the community is insular, it’s that we make it look easy. Combine any two objects in your kitchen. Add a talking butthole. Hilarity ensues. Sadly, Toasterdildo and Kevin Spacey’s Butthole doesn’t cut it for most Bizarro publishers and if somebody takes Toasterdildo and Kevin Spacey’s Butthole, they probably only have moments before I burn their fucking house down. No, really. Kevin Spacey’s Butthole is only funny to you because you’re high or me because I can’t stop saying Kevin Spacey’s Butthole. If every offhanded remark you came up with while you were high got turned into a successful property, we would all be lined up around the block to see Michael Bay’s “You Know What? Chipotle is Fucking Awesome!”

But just because you’re high doesn’t mean you’re dumb. We all forget that the TV is on mute sometimes. There’s hope for you yet. Bizarro takes work. It takes a new way of thinking and generating work. It takes not just technical but perceptual skillsets put to use to generate stuff nobody has seen before. And this is how we can combat the menace of Kevin Spacey’s butthole and get to the place where funny, poignant, scary, sexy, thoughtprovoking books like the ones written by me, Garrett Cook, three time Wonderland Award nominee and two time Ultimate Bizarro Showdown Winner. Garrett Cook.

For the month of December, I’ll be showing twelve lucky Bizarro cubs how to roar like Bizarro lions. You’re gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware! There are ten slots in this class remaining and they’re gonna go fast. It’s done via Facebook group, four exercises each on different aspects of the Bizarro thought process will get four stories written and put you in a place where you can more easily see what your flavor of weird tastes like. And make sure that, once again, that flavor is not Kevin Spacey’s butthole. Anyone can do this, no matter how little or how much Bizarro you’ve written.

Ha, ha! Yes, even you, Tiny Mechagodzilla. But only if you get off the smack. Email thecentercannothold@gmail.com for more info. Or just outright Paypal $25 ($35 after November 14th) if you think information’s for sissies and cowards!