It’s difficult not to develop a superiority complex to your friends when they eat the food that you feed to your food, but when you do inevitably develop one, I found that it was incredibly simple to justify it morally. As I eat veal slathered in a sauce made from the tears of bonobo monkeys watching their forests being chopped down to make paper for my napkins, I also ponder the superiority complex that many vegetarians are known to display. Since their complex is obviously infinitely less justifiable than my own, I think on how they arrived at their demonstrably false viewpoint. It’s as though they think it’s more difficult to avoid eating meat products than it is to bravely consume them in the face of a rising vegetarian movement and the sheer ethics of the situation.

Beyond the standard evils of eating meat (animal torture and things of that ilk), there is also a host of challenges and risks that are also associated with the culture. Almost every time I go out to eat I can say with certainty there will be a “vegetarian menu” or options for something called a “salad”. The pressure to conform my eating habits is ever-present and excruciating. I think most would agree that it’s unfair to shove unwanted change in my face. Why don’t vegetarians just have their own restaurants instead of ruining mine? Not to mention vegetarians are never risking food poisoning or cross contamination. Didn’t someone once say that all good things come with risks?

This was his most famous line in Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.

If I eat dinner at a vegetarian friend’s house, they don’t cook steak for me, they just assume I’ll have whatever green, peppered, asymmetric mess they decided to throw in the microwave for five minutes and call “cooked food”. “I NEED meat”, I say in a tone that flawlessly expresses how malnourished I might become were I deprived of meat at even a single meal. “Do you really?” they reply back in a timid voice indicative of how much they fear my superior protein levels. However, there is no meat available in the house so I am forced sneak into their organic non-pesticide garden to pinch bugs off the leaves and eat those.

Still, I must admit the impulse I feel to stop eating meat (the food product I enjoy most) and join the ranks of those who go without actually does outweigh my supposed “need” to consume it. If not for my intense desire to be different and morally superior to my friends and coworkers, I would stop eating meat forever.

You may be wondering how I could posit that eating meat is the morally superior choice. Allow me to explain. There are two classes of creatures that exist on this planet: humans and non-humans. Since I am human, I have an inherent belief that humans are more important than non-humans. To survive on this planet, most humans need something called “employment” to gain “currency” which they then use to purchase supposed “goods and services” in order to “prolong death”. The meat industry (re: grocery stores, sporting arenas, packing plants, farmers, restaurants, etc) generates billions in revenue for its employees every year. The jobs that the above income provides allow for the sustainable living of hundreds of thousands of individuals and families. By eating meat, no matter how much I secretly despise doing so, I am furthering the existence of our species. Who cares if it’s at the detriment of some other species? Humans are more important. Anybody who can not bring themselves to support that statement should be considered in contempt of humanity and tried in the only court fitting for a non-human sympathizer.

This might actually be a good thing for the defendants.

Now I’m going to pull back the cover and reveal that I’m actually not the kind of person I was pretending to be for those last few paragraphs. In fact, I’m a lot more supportive of differing opinions, especially in this conversation. Presently, most people on this planet consume meat but that is subject to change as moral opinion evolves. I personally think that vegetarians and vegans have the high ground on this issue since it does cause suffering to other living things and all that. But it’s far more complex than that and has more variables to consider than there are letters in the alphabet to represent them in an equation. And there’s even more proposed solutions from armchair philosophers online who claim to know exactly what we need to do in order to invoke positive change immediately but actually have no clue just like the rest of us. It’s all a matter of voicing opinions and having those discussions instead of being outright dismissive of someone else’s view and criticisms. That’s something that applies to everybody, regardless of their personal politics.

At this point in time everyone has probably heard or seen the following joke somewhere but just as probably can’t remember laughing at it unless they’re secretly terrible. “How do you know someone is a vegetarian? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.” While it is harmless and only pokes fun, it could easily be modified to include other groups of people. Phrasing it slightly more vaguely like “How do you know someone else’s food preferences?” or even “How do you know what someone’s opinion is about a subject they consider important?” should really begin to highlight the kind of people making the joke. The sort of people who will dismiss someone for being outspoken. Maybe members of the meat eating populace tell jokes like this because they feel like they don’t have a voice to compare with the particularly vocal vegetarian and vegan crowds. If that’s true and the meat-eaters of the world feel like they don’t have an opinionated voice to glom on, I humbly present myself. I think eating meat is awesome and tasty. I think it gives people jobs and definitely defines cultures (since a large part of every culture is their food). I also think eating meat is so cool it should be mandatory for anyone grilling steaks to also own a leather jacket and sunglasses.