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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

With two days to go, its finally starting to feel like Christmas. To say the holidays have been difficult would be putting it lightly, but it is assuring to know that each day and event has gotten easier. I repeatedly remind myself that our separation was God's way of preparing us for this time in life.

I have been so blessed by our friends and family, who have kept us extra close during this season. I know Thursday will be difficult, but I'm dreading next Wednesday the most.

So many people have asked me what I'm doing for New Years or NYE, that I think they've forgotten its my wedding anniversary. Initially we thought this would be the best day to get married. "How you start the year, is how you will end it..." and now it seems anything but celebratory.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

This year has definitely been one of struggle and heartache.... it has easily been the worst year of my life.

Even more so, it has been the most growthful (yes i made a word up) year of my life as well.

Most days I make it through the day without a complete breakdown.

Other days it seems almost an impossible effort just to breath.

I look around and still feel like I'm in a fog, possibly a bad dream, or maybe even a movie.

Somedays I feel like I'm watching my life in 3rd person. Likes its a movie playing out in front of me. I see it... I feel it... I smell it... I experience it... but i have very little control over any of it.

There are days that I have no memory of. If i do have a memory of them, it's snapshots, clip... Sometimes triggered by a scent or a phrase, and suddenly deja vu strikes. A memory resurfaces. A friend usually fills in the gaps.

I was once told that when someone experiences tragedy, they go through shock. At the time I had no idea that I was experiencing shock. In fact I was pretty irritated by anyone who even uttered it, but looking back, I had classic symptoms:

Emotional and psychological symptoms of trauma:

Shock, denial, or disbelief

Anger, irritability, mood swings

Guilt, shame, self-blame

Feeling sad or hopeless

Confusion, difficulty concentrating

Anxiety and fear

Withdrawing from others

Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms of trauma:

Insomnia or nightmares

Being startled easily

Racing heartbeat

Aches and pains

Fatigue

Difficulty concentrating

Edginess and agitation

Muscle tension

I had all of them at some time or moment. There are times that I feel like I'm still experiencing some of these symptoms, but through church, family, friends, and even blogging I truly believe I'm making my way out of it.

I've asked God many times why did this have to happen to us?

Wasn't there another solution?

Other options?

Why couldn't he solve our struggles another way?

What about Lani?

When will i tell her the truth about what happened to daddy? (she knows he went to heaven, and she knows there was a heart attack, but no other details)

Did God believe her life would be better growing up with out a father?

What memories will she have?

How do I explain alcoholism to her when she is older?

So many questions and a forever feeling like there were no answers....

Day in and day out...

Why God?

Why me?

Why us?

Why him?

How much more can we handle?

Finally at church this Sunday, i felt like God answered some or most of my questions through Pastor Edward's sermon. (Note this is an earlier service than the one i attended but the gist is still the same)

The message began with 3 simple statements

1. There is a God.

2. He has a plan for you

3. Don't miss it.

In that moment, in the very first few minutes of the sermon, tears filled my eyes. This was all God's plan. I don't have to understand it. i don't have to like it. but i do have to have faith in it.

There were a lot of great points in Pastor Conway's message but these few points resonated with me.

Nothing can happen to you unless he allows it, and if he allows it then he's prepared you for it. It's is preparing you for your future blessings.

You have to have enough courage to take a step of faith and believe in God!

We don't know what he's up to, we just have to be faithful.

If you want to know what God wants done, you have to look at what he has done.

Every problem you experience now, is linked to a future possibility and preparing you fro the future

Because of your obedience in his will, God blesses you.

I've read my notes on this sermon, repeatedly. And then today i saw this picture

and it was just further proof.

WE CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING WE UNDERGO!

Now, while it's safe to say, i have no idea of the destination for the journey we are currently on, but i do know God has prepared us, and we will survive it.

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the widow

The Widow

Ashley is a mother, a widow, a teacher, a photographer, a starbucks drinker, and a blogger! A sale shopper and loves a mani pedi any day of the week. Addicted to accessories and dollar bin shopping @ target. Loves a spring afternoon on a patio with a margarita or glass of wine.

the kid

The Kid...

Langston, affectionately known as L , already has a personality of her own. She is a brown eyed, makeup loving, soon to be 6 year old diva, that knows what she wants and may scream until she gets it (or guilt trip you into it lol).

She is wise beyond her years, and teaches me something new everyday.

She makes me want to be abetter woman and mother each and every day.

She has a smile that warms your heart and a frown that could melt it too. She is the center of our world and knows it!

The Angel

Sean was a father, a husband, a manager. A griller, a slim jim and meat eater, a poker player, basketball lover... ok a sports in general lover. Loved a massage and to be pampered (especially by the Ash.). A kareokee singer, a dancing machine, and a self proclaimed expert/the best at anything he did.