If You Didn’t Want People To Laugh At You, You Shouldn’t Have Become A Witch

In a week in which the embattled actor described himself as having “tiger blood” and other apparently super-human aspects usually found in the pages of comic books, the star described himself as a “Vatican assassin warlock” during a radio show.

The description evidently did not sit well with the witch community in Salem, Mass.

There’s a “witch community” in Salem, Mass of all places? Isn’t that kind of ironic given that they burned witches there? I mean, if witches were what they thought they were, they deserved to be burned. If they weren’t (Bingo!), then there were a bunch of victims and poseurs who were murdered for nothing. Is either of those worth celebrating with a “witch community?” I’m thinking, “No.”

But wait, there’s more.

Christian Day, a practicing warlock — or male witch — and member of Salem’s Coven of the Raven Moon, said he was “angered” over the statement because it’s a “blatant offense against our ways and teachings.”

Day held a ritual Sunday with other members of the witch community to send positive spirits in Sheen’s direction.

Day said Sheen was “reckless” by singling out the group and should apologize.

“If he made that comment against the Christians or Jewish people, there would be outrage,” he told FoxNews.com. “But here we are, a legally-recognized religion and we get slammed by an obviously disturbed actor.”

The fact that witchcraft is a “legally-recognized religion” is probably an indication that the standards for “legally-recognized religions” need to be raised considerably.

Most offensive of all, said Day, was Sheen’s mischaracterization of warlocks. Day said Sheen set the impression that a warlock is some kind of raging, warlike individual “out for blood.”

“Warlocks are peaceful and enlightened,” he said. “They have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it. They have nothing to do with aggressiveness and anger.”

See, I would have used “misguided and pathetic” instead of “peaceful and enlightened.” Also, I think if you warlocks stop hitting the bong and take your Prozac, you’ll stop thinking you can “communicate with the dead.”

PS: Yes, I know this is America and we respect religion here, but the day I start treating Wicked Witch of the West wannabes seriously is the day I’ve been kicked in the head by a mule.