Monday, October 27, 2008

It’s about that time again, actually it’s not even close to that time again but since apparently we’re supposed to start planning for Christmas as soon as we stop wearing white after labor day, I’m just going to float with the tide. (Because contrary to what you might think I’m not really a boat rocking type of person.)

Up first, Talking Teddy from Dream Products Inc. Talking Teddy makes learning fun and easy! You can teach kids to count and dress! However, one can’t help but wonder, what psycho would teach their kids to dress like a reject circus clown?

Furthermore, when oh when will manufacturers realize that talking stuffed animals come alive at night and slaughter entire families in their sleep! This is an enormous national problem. Frankly, I’m surprised neither presidential candidate has addressed it. Have they learned nothing from Chucky? Don’t they know that voodoo witch doctors stuff these things with the souls of serial killers and sociopaths? Plus, in that outfit even I would want to kill my family. I don’t want to be anywhere in the neighborhood when Talking Teddy comes to and realizes that for all of eternity he’ll be wearing red and blue cargo pants with a neon green pocket, especially after a day of having his extremities squeezed and being forced to recite the alphabet.

Don’t think it’s true? Visit the Dream Products website. You'll be terrified to know that Teddy is featured along side such accessories as, a full set of self threading needles, super long reach scissors, and high powered binoculars. If you really want to scare kids this Halloween, set out these little minions of hell.

Next up, if homicidal bears don’t float your boat, how about a book---starring YOUR CHILD! See your offspring come to life in print as a fairy, a princess, Elmo’s best friend or any number of other adventures. Just send My Adventure Books your child’s name, birthday, address, brothers and sisters names, mother’s maiden name, social security number…hold it right there. Anybody else smell a scam? I’d bet any money after you give up that info they call asking for your bank routing numbers and say all you need to do to get the books is "hold" a few thousand dollars in your bank account.

My suspicions were confirmed when I took a closer look at the picture in the ad. Instead of the jolly Santa we’ve come to know and love, this Santa motions to the reader like a drug dealer in a dark alley. Behind him in Santa’s little sweatshop, surly elves are engaging in all manner of shady goings-on. One is obviously wasted and dragging a passed-out bear across the floor. In the back, an elf spreads his legs while a friend points lasciviously to his merry twig and berries. Meanwhile, Santa tries to reel you in for the con and subtly threatens that he knows everything about you, while four of his cronies sneak away with an over sized baseball bat and two large dice to take a big money game down the street. Other “My Adventure” titles: Disney Princess Adventures in Human Traffiking, Fairies Fun with Prostitution Rings, Cars (Hot and Stripped), and Dora the “Exporter.”

Our next product is not really a product but an ad for the the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. “Bring the Whole Family!” Time Magazine says.

I don’t think so Joe. Because I see the look on that kid’s face. It’s not awe or Christmas cheer. It’s terror. That kid knows that at any second lasers and flames will shoot out of those Rockettes eyes. Little Timmy has realized it was all a trap. Santa was probably in on it too.

The Rockettes have had enough you see. They kick and twirl and dance for the man all day and all night and for what? A mediocre pay out and a pension plan that just tanked on the stock market? They know that someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, their legs won’t kick so high and their cheeks won’t be as smooth. They’ll be replaced with newer, fresher models and turned out into the cruel, cruel world. So they’re organized. Soon the theater will be filled not with yuletide joy but with the stench of seared flesh and puddles of blood. These toy soldiers aren’t toyin’ around. Timmy knows it.

Timmy, knowing he’s not long for this earth, wishes his parents would have realized the truth about Christmas, and that truth is… Little Timmy doesn't give a flying fuck about the Rockettes. He’d rather play Wii at FAO Schrawtz because he’s not seventy, he’s seven.

Have a happy and safe Halloween everyone. And after THAT have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. And then, after THAT, have a happy and safe Hanukkah. And then, finally, after four months of waiting, have a happy, killer stuffed bear and Rockette free Christmas.

4 comments:

Warning: Zoey got that "Talking Teddy" as a hand-me-down from her cousins...and I thought they liked her!Also, my parents had a Christmas book printed about my brother, sister and me. It even included our dog. I'm not sure who has that book anymore- now I have to ask my sister- I bet she has it.

Ahem, I am not seventy and I LOVE the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. It's one of the few memories of New York I still have and I'm jealous of and hate anyone who gets to go because I'm stuck in McCainPalin land (the signs are everywhere down here - I feel like I'm in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" but in this case it's brains). Little Timmy can stick his Wii up his sphincter for all I care. THE ROCKETTES KICK ASS!

Oh, and you need to cut bears a little slack. After all, they are apparently a foe to all Republicans. Just check out this video. You have to watch the whole thing to see Threat #1, but frankly Threat #5 was...well...do they really make them THAT big? I mean, it's bigger than Stephen's head! And would you really use something that big in the first place? Talk about a gift that keeps on giving. That's scary all on its own.