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Everything you see or hear or experience in any way at all is specific to you. You create a universe by perceiving it, so everything in the universe you perceive is specific to you.

Status: good, although I was up way too early this morning. sitting here now fussing over photos for IG and then staring at a blank page trying to decide what to write. Anxiety levels: moderate. I may just bin it and go to the gym.

My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.

Status: grotty. awake at 3:30am. couldn’t get back to sleep, so got up around 4:30am. sitting here in a pool of fever induced clammy sweat agonising over photos and accompanying captions. Should I just take the day off so I can rest up and get better? Yes. Am I actually going to do that? Nope. I have stuff to do; actually I have a full day and want to squeeze in some writing and photo editing on top of that. I have zero interest in sitting around feeling ill; I’d rather just prop myself up with some aspirin and then get on with It.

Photography.

I’ve had a few good days; actually I was able to take pictures every day over the weekend – Friday to Sunday. Now spending time on the pictures from the 31st, with the 5th, 6th and 7th to follow. Cognisant that time is growing short and I need to consider timing around disposing of the entry level kit before I leave; prefer not to take it back with me, but will keep that option open as a last resort.

The models that I booked for this week have flaked on me, and I think I’ve lost interest in ticking that box. May work on organising that for next week, but I think I’ll be okay with it if I can’t get it done before I leave. I’ll have another bite at that particular apple at some point in the future, but right now I’m enjoying the street photography, so maybe it’s best to stick with that, especially since the weather is getting better.

Date.

M and I are getting together again tomorrow evening for dinner and festivities (or is it me and M? Remember being taught the former in school, but I’ve been seeing people use the latter?). Looking forward to seeing her, but not interested in the partying that will ensue. Don’t get me wrong, I love a debaucherous evening, but not all the time and I’m at that stage of the week when I’m mostly interested in working on my creative projects. Plus I’m clearly sick, so there’s that…….

Writing.

Not much to say on this front other than the photography has taken over. I don’t even have enough energy at the moment to self-flagellate over the lack of writing, which is not a bad thing. As long as I’m being productive with the photography and am not wasting my free time with YT videos and other such time wasters, I’m okay. Will need to revisit this goal because clearly it’s not holding my attention…….

You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we’re ready to see it.

Status: overslept this morning. I don’t feel bad, just a little disappointed that I got such a late start. My OCD is obviously poking at me, “this isn’t how it’s meant to be; you didn’t stick to the schedule and therefore the world has been thrown into chaos, so we have no choice but to throw this day in the bin and try again tomorrow when we can do it properly”. Yeah okay, hold on there……….(I need to give this aspect of myself a name….I think I’ll call it Chuck)….Yeah okay, hold on there CHUCK, you’re being a drama queen. Yes, we got a late start. So what? We were still able to tick the box on one To Do and am now sitting in Balzac’s drinking tea and writing, which is something we always wanted to do. I mean the sitting in Balzac’s doing some writing part, not the drinking tea part. We drink tea all the time……

(Pause)

Ummm, okay that’s a little weird (referring to myself in plural), but I’m still going to call my OCD Chuck (while picturing Jocko Willink and then hesitantly throwing a little Holy Water in his direction, “I anoint thee…”).

Career.

My new boss reached out to me via email yesterday looking to see if I can get an early start on the new job. Specifically, meeting a few people and starting the process of getting up to speed. I still have a month and a half before I start. He’s definitely a Type A personality, which is to be expected given the industry. I need to be prepared that he’ll likely be reaching out to me day and night because his work and life are integrated, there’s no separation therefore there is nothing to balance. Will need to manage this carefully as I have no intention of following suit and plan to utilise my spare time outside of work on writing and photography.

Date.

Reached out to The Tardy One yesterday to tell her I’m leaving Toronto. It only seemed fair to let her know up front that this was happening before she invested any more time in this. We talked about looking for an exclusive long term relationship up front, and I’m okay with that, but if that what she wants then better to let her go and find someone that can provide that locally versus over a distance (and on that note, long distance relationships are bullshit). In any case, she’s game, so we’ll give it a go and see what happens.

Status: given it’s monday morning, I’m pretty good, actually. Lowered expectations for today, however have been able to complete all of my admin tasks and also unload the images from the weekend photography sessions. I am struggling a little to get moving, but all things being equal I’m not overly lethargic.

Photography.

Great weekend for photography. Had a late evening and night session in Chinatown on Friday. The following day I brought the camera along for my date on Saturday night and had a few opportunities to take photos despite the rain. Then on Sunday I set aside the usual and went to a yoga conference (heh) at the Metro Convention Centre to take photos and browse around. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to get on Sunday, but given the weather was so bad, it was a good option because I could travel underground the whole way there and I didn’t have to spend a lot of time outside. Told myself that I was just going to give it an hour and if I wasn’t enjoying myself then I’d bail and do something else. But, it was better than expected.

Date.

So, the Saturday night dinner date with The Tardy One was good. Actually, better than good. I really enjoyed her company. Spent almost two hours at Patios, a Chinese-Jamaican restaurant, where we ate more than I thought humanly possible, and then followed that up with a few video games at Tilt, which was close by. Quickly discovered that she had spent a good portion of her youth playing these games and was beyond good, so spent the evening getting my ass handed to me. First in Mortal Kombat where I won one game out of ten, which is not surprising given I’m not very good at the game (or any game for that matter; they’ve never been able to hold my attention for very long), and then at a racing car game which, it turns out, is her forte. Surprisingly, I was able to hold my own for most of the race and then lost the plot at the end. She was impressed enough at my performance that I got two high fives for being just competitive enough to give her run for her money. So, now that I think about it I’ll call it a win.

I think I have a bit more to say about the weekend, but will pick this up tomorrow when I am a bit more ‘With It’.

Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.

Status: good. need more sleep though. slept through the alarm again this morning, which is not very helpful because I have a pretty busy day ahead. I’m not exactly sure if the morning meditation is helping anymore. Maybe I should take the next step with it and see if that improves my focus.

Writing.

With everything that is going on, my reading has gone into the toilet. I just don’t have enough time for it, and I need to make some space to read because it does fuel the writing. Not sure exactly how I can do that; maybe dispense with the Joe Rogan podcast for now and get back to audiobooks. At least then I can “multi-task” and listen to it when cooking/eating and working out at the gym. That should be good for at least 2 hours a day.

Photography.

Went back through my older photos last night to see if I had anything worth editing and posting. Found a few, including the above shot. I actually quite like it, and while the composition is not the best, it lent itself to the editing processing quite well. The way the light from the sun plays off the eagle creates some drama, which is important for a black and white photo. Now that it’s getting warmer, I’ll spend a bit more time outside practicing street photography. I definitely want to get a bit of that done before I leave.

This weekend is Comicon and I’ll be there both days taking photos. Saturday I’ll have my Jewish wing woman for a few hours, but Sunday I’ll be on my own. This is a good opportunity to take a lot of portrait/people pictures in a space where they’ll be welcoming of the attention, so it’s a great place to get some practice without the fear of someone getting a little itchy that you took their photo. I’ve been challenged a couple of times taking photos of people on the street and it’s not a pleasant experience, for sure.

Date.

Connected with a part-time model on the dating app and we started a conversation about getting together. I was interested initially, mostly because she said I could photograph her for free, but then the convo veered off in a weird direction which then got my common sense tingling. Firstly, she will only correspond with me by email, she then told me about a hard luck story which centered around a rough relationship, her IG page links to some kind of Patreon page which has semi-nude photos of her, and she is stupidly covered in tattoos. I’m almost always up for going out with bad girls because they are fun AF, but this one looks a little bit too sketchy for me. The trust isn’t there and I think I’m going to listen to my common sense and give this one a miss. My instincts are typically pretty good, so I’m confident that this is the right move.

Besides, I have better options on the table. There’s no incentive for me to mess around with this kind of bad girl.

The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.

Status: good. I’m actually okay this morning. Slept well. No brain fog or lethargy. Ticked off a few administrative tasks this morning. It’s better to save them for the afternoon, but it felt right to tackle them now versus later. I keep forgetting how much time they consume, but it’s done.

Dating.

The weekend is starting to take shape. I’m going to see the dysfunctionally compatible Jewish woman again this weekend. She’s expressed an interest in attending Comicon with me, which is surprising because it is a bit of an acquired taste, and I’m very used to women not really liking or even being remotely interested in these types of events. My plan was to really use the opportunity to take as many photos as I can, and having a wing woman might disrupt that a little bit. Or maybe it won’t. Maybe I can use this to my advantage. In any case, it should be fun.

I’ve also set up a coffee date with another prospective partner from the dating app on Friday afternoon. What did I do before this dating app made me so lazy? In any case, she’s a transplant, her written English is poor and she keeps subjecting me to nonsensical poetry. Based upon what she has written, she clearly she has her head in the clouds where unicorns and princesses live. I’ve seen this before and gather it’s a cultural thing. It’s also a sign that she’s impractical and likely spends more time daydreaming than actually working. I’m calling it now: I bet that she has some kind of non-job which in her words will, “allow me the freedom to make my own schedule and be my own boss, you know, so I can be all entrepreneurial and shit”. Which translates into “working” two hours a day and then spending the rest of the day painting her nails and posting selfies to IG with inspirational quotes and the hashtag YOLO.

So, why are you meeting her, bro? Because she’s hot. And I’m curious to see where she sits on the Vicki Mendoza diagonal. But mostly because she’s hot.

Career.

Working on securing living accommodations at the next destination. The tenant’s lease at one of my places is due to expire and they won’t be renewing it, so I think I’ll just move into the unit. It’s not really necessary to rent it out anymore. There is a bit of a gap between when I arrive and when the unit becomes available, so I’ll need to secure a temporary living space. My cousin has offered up a spot for me at his place, but I think I’d rather do my own thing. That was until I started looking at the prices for short term rentals on the island. For something comparable to what I have right now, the cost is double to what I’m currently paying. Maybe I will take my cousin up on his offer. I think I’d rather use the money for photography equipment instead.

Status: good. I mean kinda good. post weekend hangover which has left me feeling lethargic and apathetic this morning. That’s not uncommon for a Monday morning. Had a big Saturday night, which resulted in a slovenly Sunday recovering from the festivities. Fully admit that this is a big momentum killer and I seemed to only have the capacity for YT videos this morning when I woke up versus being able to engage with the task list. I think I need to retire this habit as it’s not working for me anymore.

Captain Marvel.

Very mediocre and forgettable. I think I’ll detail my thoughts about the movie into a separate blog post, but this was a very disappointing addition to the MCU.

Date.

Had two dates scheduled over the weekend. The lady I met on Saturday was actually quite nice and engaging. Very quickly realised that the reason we got along so well together was because our dysfunctions were compatible. She has almost the same background as me, and it looks like I’m a good fit to help her recreate her childhood environment. I could see through her body language that she was recognising characteristics in me which are similar to her primary caregiver.

The smart move here would be to run, not walk, in the opposite direction. She reminds me alot of Thais, and that was a fkn disaster which I have no interest in experiencing again. Still, I know this is a temporary situation because I’ll be leaving in two short months, so perhaps I’ll entertain a few meetings with her while I explore alternative options.

Second date for the weekend was due to happen yesterday, and she pulled a no-show. I’m vacilating between indifference and annoyance. She showed signs of enthusiastic interest leading up to the date, which at times felt a bit absurd that someone would be that interested before meeting in person, so I was a little surprised when she failed to show up at the cafe and also that she ghosted me. Part of me thinks that she revealed her true nature by not showing up, and therefore I’m better off having this information now and before I invested any more time into this. The other part of me just wants to send a ‘thanks-for-being-an-asshole’ kind of text message to her, but I know this likely won’t make me feel any better and it will just give her the opportunity to play the harassment card, even if my text is relatively benign.

It might be best to just leave this one alone. I mean, I now know everything I need to know about this person. There’s nothing more to be gained here.

Photography.

In a developing trend, the model I was due to shoot on Sunday decided to cancel at the last minute. Gave me an excuse which may or may not have been the truth. At least she didn’t stand me up, and I had enough time to make alternative plans.

I’m thinking that I may just make arrangements with alternative options, so I’m not wasting any more time with this one.