that problem…..

What has been so hard for me about that problem is how easy it has been for me to justify. to impulsively just do it. I just wanted to put that out there to the universe. It has been hurtful to me and to people I love. And that knowledge has been easy to deny but know it seems that I know that I deny it at my own peril. And even when I say the words that voice says, what peril. What a brain fuck, right. I am lucky that my brain has failed me when it comes to addiction. Lucky because I have always relied on my brain. I am a smart mother fucker you know 🙂 That is why in the 12 and 12 in step 2 he says that reliance upon ourselves and our reason has been the problem. The power of the alcoholic mind to rationalize a drink has taken many of us to our graves. And I am sure the same is true for other addictions. It is rationalizing that has kicked my ass. So I can’t rely on my brain. I have to rely on something else, the knowledge, for me that comes from my higher power (I think) that I am an alcoholic. What a strange disease, what a strange higher power, it is all really strange to me……