Legal humor. Seriously.

Posts from April 2006

Miyoko Kawahara, better known (at least in Japan) as "Mrs. Noisy," was sentenced today by a court in Nara to one year in jail for causing a nuisance that harmed nearby residents. Mrs. Noisy, for some reason, constantly screamed insults at passers-by and played loud music from her balcony every day for the past two-and-a-half years or so. She had apparently become something of a minor celebrity in Japan

Nothing could be done until a neighbor sought medical treatment for insomnia and headaches caused by Mrs. Noisy, and authorities then were able to charge her with causing "physical harm." The court sentenced her today to one year, in part because (not surprisingly) she had "shown no repentance for her actions." With time served, she will likely be released in about three months.

"I worry about what will happen when [Mrs. Noisy] comes back," a neighbor told reporters. Oh, I think you should.

The election for mayor of New Orleans is coming up soon. You might think someone would have to be crazy to want to be the mayor there right now. You might be right -- luckily, there are plenty of candidates who meet that requirement.

One of them is Kimberly Williamson Butler. Various sources have been reporting over the past week or so about her campaign website, the banner image of which showed her on a New Orleans street corner in the French Quarter, proud to be in the city she loves. Or, it seemed to. But if you looked closely at the trash can in the background, you could see a Disney logo on it -- Butler apparently had actually pasted her image digitally into a picture of the "New Orleans Square" section of Disneyland.

Makes sense. You don't want a picture of New Orleans on your website about running for mayor of New Orleans these days. That place looks like crap right now.

Disney's lawyers found out about this and told Butler to cease and desist using the Disney imagery. The Butler campaign fixed the problem -- by digitally erasing the trash can and leaving the picture of Disneyland on the site. As Blogger Wonkette pointed out, wouldn't it have taken even less time and effort to just go outside and take a picture of yourself on the streets of the actual city that you want to be mayor of, where you actually live?

As of yesterday, the picture had apparently been removed from Butler's website, although it was hard to tell today because the site's bandwidth limit has been exceeded, almost certainly due to all the bad publicity. But you can see the original preserved at the link below.

Back in 2002, portly Canadian high-school student Ghyslain Raza made a video of himself (after class) imitating a Star Wars character, using a golf-ball retriever as a "lightsaber." He then made the poor decision to leave the videotape lying around. A few months later, the owner of the tape viewed it and, not surprisingly, shared it. He first shared it with friends and then with the Internet.

You've probably heard about all this, because the file became one of the most-downloaded files ever. People started adapting it in various ways, making music videos, adding visual effects, and so on. The incident became part of popular culture (including at SF Giants baseball games, where for a while the Giants would play one of the videos on the Jumbotron next to a picture of the opposing pitcher whenever a new one was warming up.) All this made Raza famous, or infamous, or just embarrassed, to the extent that he eventually sued the students who posted the thing on the Internet. According to the lawsuit, which demanded about $350,000, he suffered severe emotional distress and had to drop out of school.

The case was set to go to trial on Monday, but, sadly for me, settled last Friday for an undisclosed sum.

The Wikipedia article below has a complete history of the matter and a link to sites on which you can watch some of the hundreds (literally) of "Star Wars Kid" videos.

In a ceremony Wednesday morning, law-enforcement officers in Homeland Security Region 6 celebrated the fact that additional resources had been provided to secure Region 6 against terror attacks. So you al-Qaida members who were planning to attack northern Alabama, beware: they got trucks now.

Each of the ten counties in Region 6 received a shiny new truck with the label "Region 6 Law Enforcement" right on the side (maybe on both sides -- you can only see one in the picture), and accompanying equipment that officers said would allow them to defeat the enemy and also fight hurricanes and such like. "We can take control of a crime scene with just this truck, whether it's a terrorist attack or natural disasters," said Sheriff Bryan Hill of Lawrence County. (Not sure a natural disaster qualifies as a "crime scene," but I'm not the law-enforcement professional.) Although one super-truck would certainly be enough, Sheriff Bartlett of neighboring Morgan County allowed as how Region 6 was a whole team, and so "if terrorists strike, all the trucks will respond."

Once the trucks show up, it's game over for Osama and friends, because of the sophisticated anti-terror-and-natural-disaster equipment that the Region 6 team can deploy. Like, um, lights. "We've got an emergency generator and emergency lighting," Sheriff Bartlett told reporters. The truck pictured also appeared to have lights on top, and on the front end, with other reddish lights on the back. These lights are expected to dazzle any terrorists, who come from countries where lights are rare, and make them easier to subdue. I guess.

The trucks appeared to be equipped with other stuff too, but exactly what it was and how it would stop terrorists or the next Katrina was not made clear. Actually, the sheriffs may not be that clear on it either -- Bartlett told reporters the trucks had "crime-scene-technician-type equipment." You know, like what's on that C.S.I. show, and like that there. That type equipment.

The Region 6 super-trucks cost America about half a million dollars, but that's a small price to pay for securing northern Alabama against the looming terrorist threat.

In Los Angeles last week, 82-year-old Mayvis Coyle blatantly held up traffic while she shuffled across Foothill Boulevard with her cane. Coyle later claimed she did not have enough time to get across the five-lane boulevard before the light changed. Luckily, an LAPD motorcycle officer was there to deal with the situation -- by giving Coyle a ticket for obstructing traffic.

Finally, a police force that won't coddle the elderly jaywalker.

Another cop might have stopped traffic to make sure Coyle got across the intersection safely, which could have delayed drivers who were probably all on their way somewhere important by dozens of seconds, potentially impacting the already-fragile economy of the San Fernando Valley and so threatening our national security. All for some cane-wielding psychopath.

Coyle did find some other miscreants to back up her story. Edith Krause, 78, claimed she could only make it halfway across before the light changed, and she was in an electric cart. According to the Associated Press reporter, who seems to hate America, a group of high-school students recruited to test the theory were unable to make it across without running during the 20 seconds the light was green.

A spokesman, Sgt. Mike Zaboski, refused to comment and said it would be Coyle's story against that of the heroic "Officer Kelly." "I'd rather not have angry pedestrians," Zaboski said, "but I'd rather have them be alive." Coyle, who described herself as a Cherokee medicine woman, remained ungrateful and not willing to pay her $114 ticket. "I think it's completely outrageous," she said.

Zaboski said that police were "cracking down" on people who improperly cross streets because pedestrian accidents are up. A local councilwoman said she would be looking into the issue.

Lee Paige, a former Tampa Bay Buccaneer and current DEA agent, was making a gun-safety presentation to kids at the Orlando Youth Minority Golf Association on April 9, 2004.

I know you know what comes next. Bear with me.

This is better than you are expecting, because Paige led off by displaying his own firearm and telling the kids to be careful because he was the only one in the room professional enough to handle a gun.

Then he shot himself in the foot.

And the presentation was being taped for use as a gun-safety video.

And the tape was later leaked to the Internet, where it has become, in the greatly understated words of the Associated Press, "popular."

The tape has also repeatedly been aired on television, including late-night talk shows, which Paige now says has caused him great personal anguish. According to The Smoking Gun, Paige says he can't work undercover anymore because of the notoriety, and that he is the target of "jokes, derision, ridicule, and disparaging comments," which seems a little redundant, but that's how complaints are. Because that's what Paige has done now -- sued the DEA for causing him harm by allegedly leaking the video of him shooting himself in the foot.

A DEA spokeswoman declined to comment on the ongoing litigation, but sprained a muscle to the violence of her eye-rolling.

Lawyers for Joey Fatale, "the 4-foot, 4-inch New Yorker who heads the all-dwarf KISS tribute band MiniKiss" -- that's a quote -- sent a cease-and-desist letter to a rival band leader who Fatale accuses of stealing his idea. His idea for an all-dwarf KISS tribute band. Say it with me: "all-dwarf KISS tribute band," and wonder why you didn't think of that before now.

Fatale accuses former MiniKiss drummer "Little Tim" Loomis, who at 4 feet zero inches is in fact littler than Big Joey, of leaving MiniKiss to form Tiny Kiss, also a dwarf KISS tribute band. According to the Los Angeles Times, Tiny Kiss includes "three little people and a 350-pound woman," so it may be a slightly different concept. But Joey is still pissed.

He is denying reports that he tried to sneak past security last month at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas in order to confront Loomis. According to a representative, Fatale tried to sneak in posing as a member of Tiny Kiss, but was found out and was escorted from the premises. Loomis gloated about the opposing dwarf's eviction: "He came out here and tried to cause trouble, so I had him 86ed from the Hard Rock. The impression I got was that he was looking for a fight."

Fatale did not deny going to the Hard Rock, but disputed the details. "This whole thing about me going to the Hard Rock with my gang — that didn't happen," he said. He claimed he went there sans gang, because he had heard that Tiny Kiss was playing and simply wanted to "approach them as a gentleman."

The MiniKiss website has a number of poor-quality pictures of the band in concert and posing with various celebrities ranging from Chris Rock down to Vanilla Ice.

The persecution of the psychically gifted continues. Judge Florentino Floro, who until recently presided over a jurisdiction in suburban Manila, was removed from the bench on "administrative grounds" because of prejudice against those who have the ability to see the future and conduct supernatural healing sessions in chambers. Judge Floro also apparently started each court day with a reading from the Book of Revelations, which is just the kind of thing you want to hear before trying to plead down a traffic ticket.

Judge Floro also said he had made a covenant with "dwarf friends" -- who hasn't? -- and claimed a variety of other supernatural abilities.

The country's Supreme Court ruled that, assuming for the sake of argument that psychic phenomena did exist, they had "no place in a judiciary duty-bound to apply
only positive law." The court stressed that Floro was not guilty of any misconduct or corruption, but found that he did have "mental problems" that rendered him "unfit for the delicate task of dispensing justice." For now, maybe, Supreme Court, but when the moon turns blood-red and the Beast with ten heads and seven horns reveals itself, then you guys are really up shit creek without Floro around, that's all I can say.

Divorces are much cleaner and easier under Islamic law than in the West. If you are a man, of course. Under Islamic law, a man only has to say the phrase "I divorce you" three times (within a relatively short period of time, I guess) and he is automatically divorced. Even this is construed pretty generously (in favor of men, that is) -- a couple of years ago there was a story about a man in Dubai who had successfully divorced his wife by text message (or three text messages, anyway).

A group of village elders in India, though, are probably taking this a bit too far. They have ordered a man to leave his wife, even though neither one of them wants to be divorced, on the grounds that he said "talaq," the Urdu word for "divorce," three times in his sleep.

His wife, worried about the effect of this under the law, made the always-wise decision to talk about the secret with her friends. The elders found out and declared that, unconscious or not, the words meant divorce. The couple insists they want to stay together. "I have not given talaq," the husband said. "When I uttered talaq three times [stop admitting it!] I had taken medicines to help me sleep." But the elders not only would not budge on the divorce, they also ruled that the couple could not get "remarried" unless they lived apart for at least 100 days and the wife married another man, spent the night with him and then was divorced by that man. (The second divorce, at least, should not be a big deal.)

Newspapers reported that the couple has been ostracized because they refuse to abide by the elders' decision.