elf on the shelf contest

Listen, elf. I know this job of yours is stressful this time of year. Parents are putting a lot of pressure on you to perform. They want you to MAKE MAGIC with cotton balls, sugar cubes, and dry erase markers!

They want you to make the kids believe in you so much that they can be stopped mid-meltdown in the aisles of Target with the mere mention of your “name.”

And sometimes it’s a really freaking ridiculous name.

“Sparkles the Elf is going to tell Santa you weren’t good today if you don’t stop that right now!”

“Sparkles”??? For fucks sake, your name is Adam. I get it. It’s enough to drive you to drink and take some pills.

But now it’s really caught up to you, elf. I’m so sorry to tell you that Santa just informed me you’ve been demoted.

I have no idea what your new job will be, but here are a few examples of what’s happened to some of your inappropriate co-workers.

He spends his days trying to figure this out for once and for all. Until then, he has to play the song on repeat. He twitches in his sleep, screaming out “Ring ding ding ding er WHAT DOES IT SAY?!” until he wakes in a cold sweat.

No more Marshmallow Mondays at the Candy Cane Bar. No more Fa La La La Fridays, throwing snowballs with the guys. Now it’s just a job of pushing paper in a cubicle next to this guy. The elf is equal parts terrified and curious to know how and why Santa removed his antlers. It’s obvious that office work leads to bad posture and humps on your back. It’s rough, man. Rough.

Minutes after this picture was taken, Ford took a cue from this Inappropriate Elf and peed his own name in the snow right outside the window of a children’s hospital as a holiday party went on inside. Then he told Matt Lauer he can’t be blamed because he was too wasted to remember. Apparently, he spiked the kids’ punch… then drank it all while his elf was passing out presents.

I sure hope you find yourself in a much more tolerable job, elf. Because, like I said, I get it. I can see why you and countless other elves get a little inappropriate this time of year. Maybe Santa will let you go to rehab instead? I’ll see what we can work out.

************

I have a feeling this isn’t going to deter the other elves from getting into a little trouble this year, though. So let’s see what they’re up to. Are you ready to submit a picture of your inappropriate elf?

You have until 11:59 pm CST on December 18th to link up your elf picture. After that, HaHas for HooHas will help me narrow down the top 10, and a panel of guest judges (yet to be announced) will vote to determine the top 2.

The Judges

Jamie and Jacinda from Prudent Baby – Jacinda Boneau and Jaime Morison Curtis are the co-founders of Prudent Baby, the #1 destination for style, craft, travel and DIY inspiration for families. Join them as they search the globe and their own backyards to bring you tips, ideas, and projects that make life at home simpler and more beautiful. Visit the Prudent Baby Channel for their latest video! Jaime is also author of the award-winning book Prudent Advice: Lessons for My Baby Daughter (A Life List for Every Woman) (Andrews McMeel, 2010) and follow up fill-in journal My Prudent Advice (Chronicle, 2012)

Charlie and Andy from How To Be A Dad – Charlie Capen & Andy Herald are co-founders of “How To Be A Dad” an entertainment site for dads, moms, and those with no plans of procreating, whatsoever. The site is not so much a “how-to”, but a “how-not-to” portal centered around two sleep-deprived friends with nothing left to lose but their sanity as they navigate fatherhood and try to look smart doing so. They’re not experts, but that isn’t gonna stop them from pretending. They’ve appeared on Babble.com, Huff Post Parents, Art of Manliness, BabyCenter, AOL, Neatorama, Laughing Squid, and a host of other websites that smell delicious.

Tanis The Redneck Mommy – When Tanis Miller isn’t twirling her pompons in the freak parade that is her life, she’s writing about it on her blog, Attack of the Redneck Mommy. She’s not really a redneck, she just plays one on the internet. She also just got THE CUTEST puppy, so you should really stalk her blog if you’re into virtual puppy breath.

Jamie The Baby Guy NYC – Jamie Grayson was named the “Best Baby Gear Guru” by New York Magazine in 2010, and writes extensively about all the latest baby gear on his blog Baby Guy Gear Guide. Don’t think you’ll be getting boring and lifeless gear reviews, though. Jamie peppers his honest and thorough posts with his wit and a dash of snark when needed. And he’s always down for dishing out advice on his Facebook page.

Morgan from The 818- Morgan Shanahan is a professional blogger and screenwriter living in Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley (aka“The818”) with her toddler daughter, dashing hubby, and farting trio of dogs.In addition to over-sharing her personal life (complete with curse words) on The818.com, She’s BlogHer’s Entertainment Editor, a Babble Voices columnist, and occasionally writes about art and design for Cargoh.com.

Congrats to the winners! I’ll be in touch to arrange prize shipping. Thanks to all who participated this year, and another thanks for understanding all the delays due to unforeseen circumstances this past month.

Each blog may submit ONE photo (not a collage, not a video, not a drawing) of an elf being “inappropriate.” You can, of course, put as many pictures up on your own blog (to tell your elf’s story if you’d like) but you need to select only one to enter.

You don’t have to have kids or even celebrate Christmas to participate. You don’t even have to have “that elf” that is pictured above. All you have to do is get an elf and take a picture of them that will make people laugh. That’s it.

If you don’t have a blog, I recommend setting up a Tumblr account. It’s free and super easy. Your photo will need to be hosted on your blog or tumblr to submit it. It will also need to be viewable by the public.

Keep your elves PG-13. These are inappropriate elves, not racist, ignorant, or pornographic elves. Use your discretion. I can tell you, the winner will NOT be something beyond “inappropriate.” In other words? Use your head and get creative, like last year’s winner Cut A Hole In A Box Elf by Adventure Mama

If you are looking for an elf, I have seen them at Target (in the book section), Barnes & Noble and on Amazon (affiliate link).

Remember how much fun we had last year? If you need a refresher, are new to this whole Inappropriate Elf thing, or you just need to get your hilarious elf fix between now and the 24th, check out these posts from last year:

I can’t wait to see what your elves have been up to this year! And don’t worry, you don’t HAVE to enter ON the 24th. Entries will be open until December 18th, and voting won’t start until December 7th.

I’m only telling you all this because Inappropriate Elf thought it would be a nice reminder. I’m back to respecting the turkey, and the jack-o-lantern, and the Texas State Fair, and the rest of summer now.

Not familiar with #InappropriateElf and all his inappropriate co-workers? For shame! You have catching up to do.