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LET LOVE BE SINCERE

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Why NFP does not work... (Part 1)

Just kidding…it does :)

To people reading this blog who might not know, NFP
(Natural Family Planning) is a way of being aware of one's fertility and using
the awesome cycle that God gave us to intentionally have a child, or to try to
avoid a child (with the openness to life, if God wills it, as center). NFP is often mocked by those that don’t use
it. People think it doesn’t work. Although, studies have shown time and time again
that NFP is as effective, if not more, than artificial birth control. However, to many, many people, Aaron and I
have probably given a ‘bad’ witness of NFP, because we have the blessing of
being with child ONCE again :) We will have three kids in three years. Our children are only 14 months apart. What a failure we were, only, after sometime,
I realized, we weren’t using NFP to avoid pregnancy when we got pregnant.

We weren’t using NFP to avoid pregnancy when we got pregnant
with this third child. I just thought I should let you know that. I have been trying to find the words, for
some time now, to explain how this gift of a third child came about, when we
have made it very clear we were going to try to wait a year (mostly because of
the two c sections and my hatred of pregnancy- love the result, hate the
process). To be honest, even though I
announced this pregnancy like this, I had written another blog, 2 weeks early
that was defensive and angry and answered people’s accusations before we were
accused.

We weren’t using NFP to avoid pregnancy when we got pregnant
with this third child. You see, I have
told many of you that I am still having a hard time ‘wrapping my head’ around having a third. I have ALWAYS wanted a
big family, but truthfully, it just ain’t smart to have three kids in three
years. And it really ain’t smart to have
three major surgeries in three years. I
cannot wait to hold this baby that I am blessed to carry in my body right now,
but truthfully, ‘timing’ would have worked out better in the fall. We had things planned. We planned a ‘we are out of
debt’ cruise with our really good friends. I REALLY wanted to
drink a few bud lights on St. Patrick’s day.
Although this child is not a mistake (why, in God’s name would anyone
call a child a ‘mistake'), the timing of this child was certainly unplanned
or less than ideal. But it wasn’t
because NFP failed at helping us avoid pregnancy.

You see, I read THIS ARTICLE this morning, and it made it
all clear to me. NFP has rules. You follow your signs, and you follow the
rules. I HATE the comparison, but if
you are taking artificial birth control, and you ‘forget’ to take a pill one
day, you broke the rule. And, with NFP,
if you ‘break the rules’ you can’t blame the process. Now, I am about to get a little, ‘TMI’ up in
here, but I think it is worth it, so I am going to proceed. If TMI, turns you off, you might want to skip
this next part. Aaron and I ‘broke the
rules’. We decided to um, “engage in
marital relations”, on a day when we knew that chances of fertility were VERY
low, but possible. I had looked at when I ovulated, and decided we were ‘probably
good’. BUT, the monitor clearly said, ‘low
chance of fertility’. The signs were
showing low chances of fertility. On
that night, we knew there was a ‘chance’ (albeit) small that we could conceive. And, we decided to proceed anyway, even after having a conversation about the
low signs of fertility. See, for a split
second, I let my brain forget that my family is CRAZY fertile, so a ‘low chance’
is a ‘high chance’ in our family. There
is no such thing as a low chance. To
some of you that might struggle with infertility, I get this might be difficult
to read, but if at any time during the window of fertility (the looongest
window possible) we choose to um, ‘engage in marital relations’ (not sure how
else to put that) we will get pregnant.
Our family’s history has shown me that.
And still, we decided that night to proceed.

And, God blessed us with a third child. And it wasn’t because NFP failed, it was because,
for that night, we decided we weren’t going to use NFP to avoid pregnancy. So, for those of you that might be thinking, ‘see,
that Catholic way just does not work’, it does work…we just decided to break
the rules. The cool thing about it is,
when you break the rules, you get a kid!
And although it has taken me sometime to wrap my head around it, I can
say with 100% certainty, when I get to look in the eyes of the kid who is
cookin’ inside of me, I just might think it was the best rule break I have ever
done!

So that I don’t bore you with too many things in one day, I
am going to label this Part 1, with Part 2 to follow. In part 2, I am going to tell you about a
conversation I had with my favorite other NFP couple blessed with crazy
fertility about how NFP really does ‘ruin the romance’. And, my response :) I am sure you will be waiting at the edge of
your seat!

In the meantime, if you know me, and you hears someone say something
about how we are expecting our third because we are too silly to use artificial
birth control and instead use that ineffective form of spacing called, ‘Natural
Family Planning’….can you clarify that when we got pregnancy with our third, it
wasn’t because of NFP, we weren’t using NFP that night :)

13 comments:

The hardest part about NFP is that if you are in a loving and wonderful marriage and find your spouse the hottest thing ever, then the exact days you need to be abstaining are the exact days that the woman's body is telling her to jump all over that hot husband. This is why NFP always involves a conversation about should we wait/why are we waiting because it is HARD to abstain during fertile times. And we try to talk ourselves out of our legit reasons for wanting to space another baby because our hubby is just too dang tempting ;)

Now, when we remember that men are fertile ALL the time, we can understand why they want sex a lot. I want sex a lot when I'm fertile too!

Also, although I say we had surprise pregnancies, all but one were because we weren't following the NFP rules too carefully. One was a complete shock (the fourth) but that's what being open to life means!

ahhh... you are so sweet! Prayers are fantastic. And, I have a commitment not to complain about sickness on social media, but I think I can say, the past two weeks have been way better than the start of it all! Here's hoping for a sickness free second trimester!

Love this! I cringe when I hear people say "We were using NFP BUT..." because like you said, it makes people think it doesn't work when almost always it was a decision made to use a night that was potentially fertile. And that little babe is someday going to be very very grateful that you used that night ;) Our instructor way back when made it very clear when we learned NFP that if you are using it, it is either to avoid or to achieve...there's not really a middle ground. It's just knowledge about our bodies, what we do with it is up to us. Great post!

I was having such a hard time articulating how we 'ended up' with a third, when we made it clear we were practicing NFP. Then, this morning I realize the reason I was having a hard time is because we WEREN'T practicing NFP that night :) Part of why I had such a hard time finding out about this one, is I was embarrassed about the poor witness we were. But, the thing is, we weren't a poor witness, we were not practicing NFP, and we need to make that very clear to people!

Great post Mary! NFP takes lots of communication and discernment, doesn't it? I will be honest, I love NFP for that reason. As I have gotten older, it has gotten harder as the signs of fertility more crazy in their coming and going. Plus, I have thyroid issue that complicates things too. Luckily, I have an incredibly patient husband. God has given us a lot of grace to deal with the fact that we have to use NFP to abstain. And I think the grace is there when it is really needed.

So much communication. And funny you should say that is why you love NFP. My plan is to write about in my next post how NFP takes the 'romance away' (as defined by a secular culture...but replaces it with an intimacy that most couples (not using this system) wouldn't understand. There is such a beauty in that intimacy, and it is fast becoming my favorite part!

I liken NFP to AA in the "One day at a time" kind of way. What I love about it is that it keeps the reality of what a big deal sex is. That a new immortal soul is the consequence of having sex makes it impossible to treat sex like it's scratching an itch or eating a snack. Almost 10 years in and I can say without a doubt it's one of those things that makes us really take stock of how we want to love each other when having another baby is not a good idea. When Scott was out of work and we were very serious about avoiding pregnancy, we were closer than ever. We had to decide how to show love and affection every day because the things we used to rely on to communicate our love was something we had to limit for the good of our family. And yet even then, if there was a confidence that if I did get pregnant, God would take care of us. It was a scary and wonderful adventure. I also wonder if utilizing NFP will make us more grateful for menopause when it comes, like graduation or something.