Thursday, July 4, 2013

This is Frights' substantially less popular action counterpart. But we try it once in a while.

DOLPH LUNDGREN DOUBLE FEATURE

Army of One (1993) - Look
at the sizzle coming off of that box art. This thing was like a
straight-to-video event film in '93. I was 11-years-old and trying to
watch the hell out of it, but the preview was on like every straight-to-video movie around that time and was like, "Lundgren...pulverizing some scumbags...and tapping some ex-model babe in graphic and protracted sequences," and my parents were like, "Whoa. Think
we'll skip that one."

Red Scorpion (1988) - We at Frights are big damn fans of director Joseph Zito, he of the itchy, oily slasher The Prowler, the robust Jason outing Friday IV: The Final Chapter, and Chuck Norris' finest hour, the monolithic Invasion U.S.A.
So Mr. Zito's Lundgren vehicle on uncut Blu-ray from Synapse is what we
in the industry refer to as, "something we should probably show." Look at Lundgren on the box. He looks so pissed. He's like, "Who in the fuck put that dingy sticker on here with a vague message of '1705'? Is that even denoting a purchase price?"

OFFICIAL FIGHTS

The Annihilators (1985) - So last Holiday Horrors, we were enjoying Silent Night, Deadly Night for
the 80th time, and I was commenting on what a singularly sleazy piece
of garbage the film was, and Justin was like, "Did this dude ever direct
anything else?" The answer to that question, friends, is this you-never-heard-of-it bad boy right here. It's one of those movies where dudes return
from combat and shit is even harsher at home, on the streets, and they
have to, like, use Vietnam type training on some violent punks. No idea
if it's worth a damn, but if it's packing even a fraction of the bad
taste on display in SNDN, we're in for a treat. ***Justin's pick

Blue Steel (1989) - Those
of you trying to spot the "real movie" in the bunch, look no further.
This is directed by Kathryn Bigelow (right the hell before Point Break
no less) and none of us have seen it. Jamie Lee Curtis is a lady
cop who fights against the formidable villainy of...Ron Silver? Anyway,
it'll be, like, well made, so we'll try to save it for a non-drinking night.

Enemy Territory (1987) - This is some low-rent proto-Judgment Night type shit. That's it. That's the pitch. The titular enemy territory is some violent part of the hood. Probably a good title to bet on. Also, you may have already picked this up if you looked close enough at that poster, but this features the song "Dealin' With Life" by the Boogie Boys. So yeah, the pot just keeps getting sweeter with this one.

Eye of the Tiger (1986) - Holy
shit, right? Go ahead and zoom in on that poster art and think about the
meaning of art for a while. I'm looking at it and feeling like I understand how paintings can make people cry and have "spells" and shit. This description should just be that poster image, again.

Malone (1987) - Whoever
made the call to have this cover be a hastily matted image of Reynolds
firing a shotgun against a background of flames: I am assuming that
after you made that decision, you went on to invent the calculator or the rental car or something equally crucial and you now live in a floating
castle. Cause holy hell. I tried to rent three copies of this at once.
They were like, "Why do you want three copies?" And I was like, "Don't
condescend me."

The Taking of Beverly Hills (1991) - Oh man. Look at the tagline. It's a whole paragraph. I don't know what to say. I always wanted to see this. It's shall we say, one of the less celebrated of the initial batch of Die Hard ripoffs. Ken Wahl (from the Fights-approved The Soldier) and Max Headroom running around.

Mind Melters presents...Young Warriors (1983) - Everything
I've read about this makes it sound completely schizophrenic.
Supposedly, it's a really silly high school comedy and then all of a
sudden it turns gritty and ultra violent. However, WARNING: plot appears to
involve rape/revenge. Sensitive viewers should skip this night. I don't want a
repeat of when we showed Savage Streets and all the women were threatening to set the TV on fire.

SHITFEST: "DEATH" DOUBLE FEATURE

Death Promise (1977) - This is "genuine article" Shitfest. It's like, evil landlords are setting loose all these rats in their buildings cause they want poor tenants to leave. But then some guy is fighting back with karate. As soon as the first shot appears on screen, everyone will be like, "Oh shit. It's one of these."

Death Run (1987) - A post-apocalyptic
epic...apparently filmed in a high school gym. Involves monsters and lepers that all appear to be people who took different pies in the face. How about that artwork's attitude: Yeah, I'm a Shitfest. So what?