Save Metro City!

The city's been broken apart. Glue it back together...with your fists.

A battle for all of existence!

The party had just defeated three members of Cage Force Bravo, with no idea where to go further. The Mariner came up with the idea of jumping through the hole he had created when he fought Wicker Man Cage, engaging his boot thrusters to try to land properly. Unfortunately, he didn’t count on the preparedness of the most devious member of Cage Force Bravo: National Treasure Cage. NT Cage engaged a trap door, causing the Mariner to fall further down through the floor. The rest of the team ran down the stairs in hot pursuit.

At last, they reached a disturbingly ornate door, which they wasted no time bursting through. There, they saw a tall throne underneath a reversed American flag. A pool of lava separated the door from the throne, above which dangled the Mariner. Waiting there was National Treasure Cage, alongside Con Air Cage, who was itching for a rematch. The fight began near-instantly.

The Mariner attempted to swing his way out of the lava, but ended up colliding with the wall instead. National Treasure Cage attempted to activate a rolling boulder trap, but everyone managed to dodge out of the way. Bright Man managed to shoot Con Air cage into the lava pool, but using superhuman stamina and out of love for his beautiful daughter Casey, he rose once more. However, concentrated effort managed to stop both Cages. What’s more, the lava pool had drained, revealing a staircase even further down.

After descending yet another spiral staircase, the team came across an even more ornate and threatening door. They opened it, revealing at last Lichard Nixon’s private laboratory. Artifacts from all periods of time were scattered across multiple tables, and a Doctor Doom-style time machine lay in the back. More interesting was Lichard Nixon himself, awaiting the heroes on a throne in the middle. Shaking with fury, Nixon summoned his vice-president, the impregnable Pyro Agnew, and the fight began.

The Wraith managed to close the distance to Nixon and struck his phylactery (the missing 18 and a half minutes of the Watergate tape), but Nixon teleported away, summoning undead Secret Service agents. Meanwhile, Agnew dealt heavy damage to the Mariner using his twin flamethrowers, but Bright Man managed to damage his extremely durable armor. In seething rage, Agnew attempted to turn his guns on Bright Man, but Bright Man shot a lemon into one of his guns, causing him to explode in a ball of flame.

Nixon created the terrifying illusion that the Wraith was back in his parents’ house as it burned down. In a last-ditch maneuver, the Wraith reached out, grabbed the final Faerie power source, and inserted it into the book. He underwent a profound spiritual change as he transformed into THE Wraith, Fae knight of illusion (weakness: truth). Using his newfound power, he was able to destroy Nixon’s phylactery, causing the unpopular lich-president to crumble into dust. In the dust was a mysterious film reel: The Mariner inserted it into his armor and it started to play.

The film was security footage eerily similar to the bank robbery that brought them together. However, a new set of heroes had appeared: The Mariner was oddly absent, and instead Camera X had become a hero. Additionally, Craig, adopting the name Flashbang, had appeared, presumably instead of Bright Man. The film stopped as the Shadowy Figure entered the building…shooting out the cameras first.

Nixon had sent a message to the Shadowy Figure through the time machine; the Descendant managed to trace it to before the beginning of time. The team jumped on the time machine, despite the Descendant’s warnings that the Time Agency had told him never to go there, and they disappeared…

Only to arrive in a tall marble hall. In front of them awaited their longtime foe, leader of the Dread Hand…

Evil Wraith.

Evil Wraith explained what had happened: He was from an alternate timeline where all of his orphans had died. In his grief, he turned to evil and acquired the book, transforming him into a fae knight similar to this world’s Wraith. For four hundred timelines after that, he had attempted to create a timeline that would allow him to take over the world permanently. In the latest one, he had sent Lichard Nixon to interrupt Craig’s origin story and create the more incompetent Bright Man instead.

For the final battle, Evil Wraith summoned three more fighters: Agent Gamma, a John Herschel who had never been expelled from the Time Agency and retained his future technology; the Ancient Mariner, who had encountered whatever thing in the depths had corrupted Camera X; and Craig Prime, the Craig from the current timeline empowered by the Craigs of timelines past.

The final battle began. The Wraith made a beeline for his evil counterpart, attempting the burning-orphanage trick that had been pulled on him. However, Evil Wraith had become immune to this power and punched him through every person with bad ideas about media who ever existed in time. In return, the Wraith punched him through every failed timeline he had ever attempted. Meanwhile, the Mariner made a leaping strike at the Ancient Mariner, but failed to realize that the AM was covered with rapidly-growing barnacles that quickly rooted him to the floor. He powered up his electrical field, hoping to destroy the Ancient Mariner before he became part of it.

Meanwhile, Bright Man drank the last drop of Mountain Dew left in his cup, becoming Dirkman Lee once more. Craig Prime, ready for this, muttered a spell, fusing the Bright Man/Dirkman personas permanently and giving him knowledge about all of the disgustingly weeby things he had done in the past. However, this served to do the opposite, granting Dirkman knowledge about how to perform the Bright Stopper, and he finally managed to do the thing Bright Man had been trying for years: He performed the Dirk Stopper, actually stopping time, and fired a plasma lemon point-blank into Craig Prime, putting him out of his misery.

Agent Gamma managed to block most of the Descendant’s laser fire with his force field, but Evil Wraith called his attention to finally take out the Wraith. He opened up a time portal, casting the Wraith into deep space…just as the Nutro-Nuclear Dissolvo-Bomb was flying at his new location. Thinking quickly, the Descendant used his radio to call MTV at the time, instructing them to move their satellite over; however, they thought it was a prank call and told PBS to do it instead. The PBS satellite blocked the blast from the bomb, casting it and the Wraith back into the hall. Because of the fundamental truthiness of the satellite, the Wraith found himself without his powers…giving him an idea about how to stop Evil Wraith.

The Wraith punched the satellite in an attempt to move it, but only managed to break his own hand. The Mariner took advantage of the distracted Evil Wraith by suplexing the Ancient Mariner onto him. Meanwhile, the Descendant managed to shoot Agent Gamma’s wrist device, causing it to malfunction. Exhausting the last of his powers, the Wraith threw Agent Gamma onto the other two, causing them to disappear into the depths of time. The battle was finally, finally over, and the only thing left to do was step out into a brave new world…

EPILOGUE

Dirkman Lee came out of the backstage door to “Kickin’ Rad: The Legend of Tommy Max”, based on the hit TV show that lasted for ten seasons, hi-fiving his happy stagehands Chad and Craig. Waiting for him were Jonah Lethrbridge, full-time CEO of Industrial Aquatics, Lewis Turner, TV cameraman and volunteer at Our Lady of Perpetual Superheroics orphanage, and John Herschel, Turner’s great-great-great descendant from the future. They congratulated Lee on the great show and strolled off into the sunset as the army cadet once known as Weeaboo Man jogged the other way in his full military fatigues.

A! B! C! D!!

The Mariner, thinking quickly, carried the dying Wraith over his shoulder through the airport and onto the waiting plane. There they found three operatives of Freddie waiting for them: The Pinball Wizard, White Album, and the prismatic avatar of Pink Floyd. They took off as the team starting patching up the Wraith.

The flight to Freedomville was interrupted by an incoming radio transmission: US Special Forces commanding them to land. They stopped in an airplane graveyard and exited the plane, only to be surrounded by armed soldiers, under orders of Lichard Nixon. The ensuing fight was short and extremely one-sided, and one of the soldiers was taken hostage. However, he had secretly hidden a stuffed rabbit (containing a tracking device) in his clothes, allowing a mysterious operative to tail them in an 747 jet. It soon became obvious that the operative was a clone of Nicolas Cage who thought he was in Con Air.

Con Air Cage attempted to ram the 747, but quick thinking on the part of the party and fast reflexes on the part of Bright Man enabled them to escape Con Air Cage, but not without a price: Flying the burning plane into an explosive-red-barrel warehouse. The Mariner managed to be blown clear of the explosion, while Bright Man was moderately injured; the other two escaped major harm. The Wraith transformed the four into Cage Team Bravo operatives and commandeered a car, driving them to the National Archives.

The four easily bypassed security, but once in the back room they discovered, to their horror, that they had triggered a trapdoor. While the Mariner, the Wraith, and Bright Man managed to latch onto a ledge in the very long shaft through which they were falling, the Descendant missed the grab and fell out of sight. The team pulled themselves up and walked through a long corridor, finding themselves in a warehouse filled with boxes. Knowing that Lichard Nixon’s phylactery–the missing 18 1/2 minutes of the Watergate tape–was stored somewhere inside, they immediately began investigating.

After twenty minutes, the Descendant appeared, claiming that he had found Nixon’s storage room. The group ran down the corridor and a flight of stairs, finding themselves in an identical room with a large metal storage container in the middle. The Mariner opened the door to the storage container, only to find, to his horror, that he had fallen for a trap: Face/Off Cage had kidnapped the Descendant and taken his appearance. Almost immediately, two more Cages appeared to challenge the party: Wicker Man Cage, dressed in a bear suit, and Vampire’s Kiss Cage, apoplectic with grief and carrying a large wooden stake.

The Mariner and Wicker Man Cage engaged in the most destructive fistfight in history, destroying an entire floor of offices, a priceless marble statue in the lobby, and ruining the day of several dozen people with bad opinions about media. Meanwhile, though Vampire’s Kiss cage was quickly defeated, the remaining party members were forced to engage in a massive gun kata battle with Face/Off Cage, finally defeating him after a long struggle. The team prepared themselves and proceeded down further into the Archives…

The team defeated Hell Harry and the Ghostmaster General. Freddie Mercury informed them that this would be an important battle and sent them to the airport. At the airport, the Neo Dread Hand attacked in Timebeard’s pirate ship. Thinking quickly, the Mariner stabbed the Wraith–since the Descendant was his, well, descendant, this created a paradox that attracted the Clock Roach. Timebeard disappeared into a portal as he grappled with the Clock Roach. However, the Wraith was still dying and all of a sudden the Descendant was starting to fade away. What would the team do?!

After some light interrogation of one of the remaining Pawn Shop Owners, the Explosion Force set out in their van to find Doctor Swastika’s warehouse. After some searching, they decided to search the spiky warehouse covered with fire and Nazi symbols. They quickly dispatched the two guards at the gate, keeping one alive for yet more interrogation. He said that there was an emergency teleporter to the Iron Cross robot on the second floor, and the team entered. Noticing dozens of well-armed minions, Brian McLane fired the Mjolnir Cannon from the van (much more quickly than a usual Explosion Force session) and destroyed the whole first floor. The team casually strolled in and climbed up the stairs to the second floor.

What greeted them was a trophy room, filled with objects that the Schultz Family had taken from their foes. This included a big shelf filled with guns that were too small for BLÜDDGÜNN’s purposes; David Thorn took one for himself. However, as he removed the gun from its stand, an alarm sounded and the Silverback and BLÜDDGÜNN himself entered. There was a fight, the details of which I forget except that Callisto got blasted out of the building. To be continued…

Collect all five!

The Mighty Morphin’ Pawn Shop Owners attacked the party…with little effect. Though Recoome was able to pull off a Recoome Knee and Elbow on one of the party members, the rest, though clad in super sentai suits, were still inaccurate and ineffective. Jeff in particular, armed with tire irons, effectively gave up. At the last second, they decided to go for their giant transforming robot; however, while the party was distracted by the transformation sequence, one of the Owners lobbed a knockout grenade in front of them, knocking them out, as per the purpose of the knockout grenade.

As all looked bleak for our brave heroes, a gear flew from the sky and embedded itself in the ground in front of the pawn shop owners. Gearhead had, at long last, reappeared, along with a new, unknown team of heroes: Catseye, Boxcars, Firestarter (and his partner Smokescreen), and the Gunsmith. This new team made short work of the giant robot. As the New Legion awoke, the new team introduced themselves: the Explosion Force, an elite group of murder hobos dedicated to investigate paranormal occurrences in Metro City. Lichard Nixon and Doctor Swastika had both summoned gigantic armies of zombies for reasons unknown, and they couldn’t stop both of them on their own.

Almost like it was convenient to the plot, a giant robot arose from the sea: Doctor Swastika’s infamous Iron Cross mech. At the same time, Lichard Nixon appeared above the suburbs. With him was the undead ghostlord William Henry Harrison, who summoned a giant flaming statue of Harry S. Truman from the earth. A plan had to be made, and quickly: they decided that the Explosion Force would pursue the forces of Doctor Swastika, while the New Legion would attack Nixon with the hopes of stopping his reign of terror for good. With that, the teams split up…until next time.

Technology ripped off from a Fantastic Four comic!

The worst case scenario had happened. Prince Apathios had finally gained the Crown of Atlantis. The team knew that they would have to strike quickly if they wanted to have a chance of surviving the ordeal. There was only one option left: Locate Apathios’ base and defeat him before anyone knew what was happening. The team immediately ran to the Secret Hangar and took off in the Puffin. After flying over the ocean for several miles, the Puffin’s radar finally detected a large, slowly-moving object on the sea floor. The Mariner immediately put the plane into a dive, converting it into its submersible mode and blasting through the water.

However, the journey would not be so easy. Something slammed into the side of the Puffin, causing it to take on water. Looking through a porthole, the team saw Tiger Rider, flying on a torpedo through the open ocean and itching to take revenge. Bright Man attempted to throw a barrel at him, but he only succeeded in making the leak worse. As Apathios’ moving fortress came into view, the Mariner was able to guide the heavily damaged ship into the wall. Bright Man fired some missiles while the Puffin scraped along the corridor, finally managing to hit Tiger Rider, resulting in a gigantic explosion. The team was barely able to don breathing devices (save for the Mariner) before the Puffin ran into the wall, breaking into a dozen pieces.

After some exploring, the team deciphered a map in Atlantean and was just about to descend to a lower level of the fortress when suddenly the Mariner’s armor started picking up a radio signal from the nearby communications office. It was only partially there, but he could clearly make out the words “Five minutes”, “Nutro-nuclear dissolvo-bomb”, and “complete annihilation” used close to each other. This, they guessed, was not good.

They descended several levels before reaching the bottom, which was sealed off by a gigantic blast door. Deciding to wait before attemptint to open it, they explored the second floor of the fortress, labeled “ARMORY” on the map. Unfortunately, the Atlantean grunts used only swords and other common weapons, and that was mostly what they found; the Wraith decided to keep some harpoons for later. However, there was a very tempting sealed door at the end of the corridor; the Wraith was able to open the complex Atlantean lock. Inside was a very large rifle. Instead of ammunition, a container of mysterious powder attached to it; this was the powder used to change fish into Atlanteans.

They returned to the blast doors, and while the Wraith worked on it, the team discussed more of their lives outside of punching things. I don’t remember any of them, but I think the Descendant had met someone at the reception at the start of the arc.

The doors slowly slid open, and the team swam down, right into Prince Apathios’ throne room. There he sat, haughtily, with bad posture, accompanied by a cuttlefish mage. Upon his head sat the Crown of Atlantis. After some taunting, the fight began. Sharks swam out of shafts in the wall as Apathios bent their wills to his command. The Wraith, moving swiftly, fired a harpoon towards Apathios, maanging to deal some damage. Meanwhile, the cuttlefish summoned a great whirlpool. Though the Mariner was able to resist it at first, the cuttlefish magnetized his armor and Bright Man’s buster, causing them to attach together. The whirlpool threw them through shaft as they collided with the wall of the adjacent shark pen. Sharks swam at them as the Mariner aimed and fired…

Creating a shark Atlantean loyal to him.

The Mariner detached himself from Bright Man and swam back, shooting sharks as fast as he can. However, the situation was dire. Sharks had swarmed the Descendant and he had passed out from blood loss. The Wraith was keeping the sharks in check, but for every wound Apathios caused with the Shark Spear, another shark appeared. Meanwhile, the Nutro-Nuclear Dissolvo Bomb was mere seconds away from launch. In a heroic comeback, a Descendant from the future appeared and grabbed onto the missle along with Bright Man as it launched.

The dissolvo-bomb streaked through the sky, the two heroes barely clinging onto it in the face of the wind. After a tense few seconds, the Descendant opened a panel on the side of the missile and, with Bright Man’s help, rewired the target. The missile flew harmlessly into space and the dynamic duo fell back into Metro City, Bright Man landing on Craig.

Meanwhile, the Mariner, in a last-ditch maneuver, fired the gun at Apathios. The beam hit the jewel embedded in the crown, causing Apathios to radiate light as his power increased tenfold. Good going. The Wraith, furious at the endangerment of his orphans, used his last remaining harpoon to stab the gem. At once, he experienced a waking dream; timelines after timelines, dimensions after dimensions flowed in front of him. At last, he woke up to find that Apathios had dissolved.

The remaining Atlanteans were cleared of the fortress and the Mariner drove his sweet prize up to the docks. All that remained was reconstruction…

Six months later, most of the damage caused by the Atlanteans had been repaired. The Wraith went to his mailbox in Industrial Aquatics, only to discover a mysterious letter. Hauntingly, the letter was addressed to “Lewis Turner”. He tore open the letter. A mysterious group desired revenge for unknown sins, and wanted him and the rest of the team at the docks. With no choice, he decided to go.

The team arrived at the docks at a windy hour. The tension was thick enough to be thick. Suddenly, a warehouse door slid opening, revealing five pudgy middle-aged men. Confused, the Wraith asked who they were. They were Jay, Jeff, Jim, John, and RECOOME–pawn shop owners who had been robbed by the Chameleon Gang in the past. Now, they were ready to fight back…as…(one lenghty transformation sequence later)…the MIGHTY MORPHIN’ PAWNSHOPOWNERS!!!

Product placement!

The van carrying the team drove away from the rubble of Supercon, recovering Bright Man and the Mariner through advanced technology (that left at least the Mariner with a very unsettling dream). Jonah explained to them that Atlantean forces are attacking Metro U en masse, with the intent of retrieving the Mountain Dew buried deep below the Rad Studies department. They were going over there now to fend off the siege. However, the exposition was interrupted when something crashed into the side of the van, sending it into a wall.

The team got out of the van as a mysterious figures emerged from the Old West saloon on the opposite side of the street: Two pistol shrimp Atlanteans, decked out in cowboy duds. The ensuing battle was short and ended with most of the shrimps’ minions destroyed and one of the brothers a future Red Lobster entree. The remaining shrimp fired a shot into the air, but instead of the help he was expecting, a torpedo flew in from the sky and blew him up.

Subsequent torpedoes flew at the party, causing them to take cover. They seemed to fly from nowhere and everywhere simultaneously; since the team couldn’t identify the source, they took off at a run for Metro U under heavy bombardment. The Descendant took some damage, but not enough to be bad, the Mariner suffered some unknown damage to his suit, and the Wraith and Bright Man suffered little to no damage. The team proceeded into the tiny subway system used by Metro U and discovered no train cars and a tunnel filled knee-high with water.

As the party proceeded through the tunnel, they noticed dozens of dead or unconscious Atlanteans strewn to the side. A large number of them had impact damage roughly the size of a human head. The team eventually came to a large makeshift barricade cutting off the tunnel, with a small door in the side. One of them knocked, and Leonard Newton–the Mathemagician–answered the door. He led the team through the barricade, noting that the Felony Department had decided to form a temporary truce and after the Atlanteans were defeated, they would return to being enemies.

The team went to the Rad Studies department, where they found several of their old colleagues discussing plans of attack. The issue was that the department was not getting room to recover–there was nothing more valuable than the Dew with which to distract the Atlanteans. Immediately, all eyes shifted to the Descendant, who grudgingly pulled the Crown of Atlantis from under his hat. The party decided that the crown wasn’t enough; in order to fight the Atlanteans, they’d need to…get rad.

Dr. Joseph Sweet brought the party to the underground Dew vault, and after filling a Big Gulp container for all of them, wished them luck. The team each drank their share of Dew, experiencing their own MEGARAD changes: The Descendant turned green and gained tendrils, the Wraith (add later), the Mariner’s armor turned green and gained logo stickers, and Bright Man temporarily reverted to Dirkman Lee once more.

The party grabbed convenient skateboards as Dr. Sweet drank his cup of Dew and grew to a large size, knocking aside Atlanteans like toys. The party skated up the tallest building they could find and kickflipped off, immediately attracting the attention of their opponents. Suddenly, a torpedo crashed to the ground, and two figures walked out of the dust: A tiger shark and a coelacanth. They were Apathios’ top lieutenants: Tiger Rider and the Time Sprinkler.

Tiger Rider shot torpedoes at the party, who took some damage, as the Time Sprinkler punched the Wraith thirty seconds into the future and into an art installation. The Mariner ripped another installation (made out of shrapnel and broken glass for some reason) out of the ground and took a swing at the Time Sprinkler, but he transformed the installation into its material components. Bright Man, however, fired a beam at the Time Sprinkler that he was unable to avoid, causing him to note that Bright Man was anomalous in time.

Meanwhile, Tiger Rider tried to hook the Wraith with a garotte wire studded with his own teeth, but the Wraith managed to grab the wire, flip around, and kicked him in the face. To add injury to injury, he then threw Tiger Rider’s own torpedo at him, damaging him heavily.

Suddenly, Rad Chad appeared, claiming Tiger Rider for his own. In the ensuing argument, Tiger Rider shot a torpedo and flew away with Chad. While the team was distracted, an Atlantean minion tried to grab the crown and run away with it; when the party noticed, the Time Sprinkler time-copied it a hundred times, covering the entire quad with crowns. Bright Man shot him into the shrapnel field he left, but right before the Mariner could curb-stomp him, he teleported away. The minion got away with three crowns.

Apathios has now come dangerously close to victory. Tune in next week for…the thrilling conclusion!

Subbed and dubbed for all tastes!

When we last left our heroes, Weeaboo Man had put a cardboard box with “GUNDAM” on it over his head and become a fearsome battle robot. He proceeded to target his dad, Ultra-Dad, with a barrage of heat-seeking missiles, but Bright Man boldly stepped in and used a Bright Stopper to freeze the missles. However, the bright flash of light created a hotter target than Ultra-Dad, causing the missiles to aim at Bright Man instead, blowing a hole in the floor and incapacitating him, the Streetest Fighter, and Redundo.

Thinking quickly, the Wraith distracted Weeeaboo-Man with an illusory mech as the rest of the New Legion fired at it. At first, Weeaboo-Man managed to absorb the damage with the Gundam’s deflector shields, but they started to crack when Ultra-Dad shot bottle rockets at it. However, the team was so focused on fighting Weeaboo-Man, they didn’t notice that the real Silver Fox had snuck up from behind them with a minigun. The furious fursuited fiend opened fire, heavily damaging the Wraith. The Wraith gave a mighty leap and used his [NOPE] to saw the minigun in two, destroying it and burning the fur clean off the Silver Fox’s suit.

Enraged, and with his mech near destruction, Weeaboo-Man revealed the Gundam’s most powerful weapon: A chest-mounted laser. He fired a gigantic beam…into the illusory mech in front of him. Although it missed the party, it blew a hole in the ceiling from which Captain Maximum entered. He proceeded to punch the Mariner into a brony DJ seven rooms away.

Suddenly, 90’s Internet Man made a move: He hacked into Weeaboo-Man’s Gundam suit. The suit unloaded the rest of its missiles and another laser at the two antagonists who were standing next to each other, blowing a hole through five floors and hitting the dozens of gas-powered emergency generators under the con center. Supercon exploded in a mighty inferno that the Wraith and the Descendant managed to escape by using a tarp as a makeshift hang glider and the Mariner dodged by rappelling out with extension cord. The Mariner fell into a pond, where he realized that the section of his suit he used for whiskey sours could also be used for breathing underwater.

The trio of remaining heroes surveyed the destruction they had caused, when suddenly, Captain Maximum burst through the rubble, carrying the Silver Fox with him. The Fox snapped their fingers and an orange-gloved hand burst through the rubble. Bright Man, wearing a pair of mind-control necomimi, slowly rose up through the wreckage.

Bright Man used Bright Stopper on the party, blinding the Mariner. The Descendant shot off the ears aftewards, but the Mariner was stunned enough for the Silver Fox to stab through his suit with their claws, causing massive bleeding. The Wraith finally convinced Captain Maximum that the Silver Fox was a villain, and Captain Maximum ended the conflict by punching the Silver Fox across town and into a pet shop.

Captain Maximum apologized for the incident and began the arduous task of reconstructing the con center. As the party turned away, an Industrial Aquatics emergency van appeared, driven by Ishmael, to pick up the Mariner and crew. There was no time to spare: Metro University’s store of Mountain Dew was under attack by the Atlanteans…

Expedited registration!

When we last left our brave heroes, they had been approached by the Streetest Fighter, interim leader of Supercon after the Chessmaster’s arrest. He begged for the team’s help, saying that the Silver Fox had declared martial law and kicked him out of the convention. The team went with him to a Thai restaurant near the con center (“Thai Gershot”) for more information. There they met the other members of the strike force the Streetest Fighter had assembled: The Incomparable Redundo (who forgave the team for their earlier confrontation), Nineties Internet Man, and a middle-aged man without a costume, whom the Streetest Fighter referred to as Ultra-Dad.

The Streetest Fighter laid out the plan: The floodgate was on the bottom floor, surrounded by cameras. If the team attempted to go through the ground floor, the Silver Fox could control the flow of water and drown them all. Instead, they were to penetrate a barricade on the second floor, split into subteams, and make their way to the top floor. After some discussion, they formed TEAMCYBERBRIGHT (Bright Man and Nineties Internet Man), TEAMSTEALTH (The Wraith, the Descendant, and Ultra-Dad), and TEAMMARINERANDDEADWEIGHT (The Mariner, Redundo, and the Streetest Fighter).

Nineties Internet Man destroyed the barricade to the second floor and the team split into groups, heading toward various routes to the third floor. Team Cyberbright entered a screening room, where an anime of Bright Man’s previous stage show, “Kickin’ Rad”, was playing. They sat for a spell to watch it, but suddenly Ham-Hands Tony shot up the screen, bursting through it immediately afterwards. Tony had been captured by the Silver Fox and equipped with a pair of mind-controlling robot cat ears. Meanwhile, the Mariner scoured the dealers’ hall for a replacement weapon; He eventually settled for a [WEAPONDESCRIPTIONREMOVEDDUE TO LEGALTHREATSFROMINDUSTRIALAQUATICS].

The other two teams blew through a barricade of con-ops agents as Team Cyberbright fought Ham-Hand Tony. Eventually, Nineties Internet Man used a marquee tag to remove the cat ears from Tony’s head and fired some HTML that struck him through. The courageous duo clambered up a fire ladder in the corner of the room. The teams met up on the third floor and faced a problem: The elevator to the fifth floor needed a staff key card. While the teams pondered what to do, Nineties Internet Man attempted to hack the water portal; he accidentally revealed a powerful Atlantean mage, who sprayed him with a flood of water until he shut the portal again. Eventually, he hacked the keycard into thinking it was the Chessmaster’s, and the team proceeded upward.

The offices were far different from the last time the teams had arrived; the whole area was completely dark and cluttered with junk. The party entered cautiously, eventually discovering a lab area where the Silver Fox was attempting to disassemble the Mariner’s harpoon-cane. The Mariner grabbed the harpoon, but as he touched it an alarm went off, causing the Fox to appear at the entrance with a backup of minions. The Mariner, with no time to activate the cane, swung the [REDACTED] at the Fox, sawing off its head. There was a bright flash of light…

Which, once it disappeared, revealed Weeaboo-Man dressed in poor-quality fox pajamas. He was, of course, angry, but as soon as he saw Ultra-Dad he became apoplectic: Ultra-Dad was his dad, set to bring him back home and away from this dumb nerd gathering. With a mighty cry of “YOUSHUTTHEFUCK UP, DAD!!!” he donned his most powerful costume: A cardboard box with “GUNDAM” written on it. With another bright flash of light, the team saw a fifty-foot tall giant robot flying above them.

Over 1000 cheat codes!

Immediately after the defeat of Robin Hood, the Mariner recieved a call from Cpt. Archibald Curry, the head captain of the Industrial Aquatics fleet. Most of the denizens of lower Metro City had been evacuated and he was sending a boat to pick them up. Hauling the Wraith’s unconscious body between them, the Mariner and the Descendant managed to get on the boat–a small barge that was decent for maneuvering between buildings–and speed away from the planetarium as it flooded.

Curry explained the situation as he sailed. A huge Atlantean army had invaded Metro City and opened dozens of portals (“floodgates”) that were pumping water into the city at an incredible rate. The assorted super-gangs were fighting back, but the battle could swing in either direction. They were on their way to the theatre district, the location of the nearest floodgate, to continue the fight.

Suddenly, the ship ground to a halt. The Mariner volunteered to check the problem and, suited up, dove behind the ship. The propellers had been tangled with some kind of net. Just as he finished untying them, a shark charged at him and he activated his boots at the last minute, propelling him to safety. Meanwhile, the Descendant noticed a huge, dark shape coiling underneath the boat. It raised its head above the water, revealing a titanic oarfish (“The King of Herrings”). Sharks started swarming around the boat as the two prepared for battle.

Meanwhile, Bright Man was just finishing his one-man show in a nearby theater. As he droned on about Splash Woman, he started to hear sounds of a struggle coming from outside, and eventually the King of Herrings smashed through the wall, revealing his comrades. After Bright Stopping the audience, Bright Man leaped mightily onto the boat, simultaneously waking up the Wraith.

The Wraith, after screaming at Bright Man, took careful aim and caused a deep, bleeding wound on the King of Herrings, attracting the attention of the sharks. However, the King of Herrings was not finished, and with a mighty blow split the ship nearly in two. The New Legion escaped in pairs–The Wraith and the Descendant on one side, Bright Man and the Mariner on the other–to nearby theatre administration offices. Cpt. Curry escaped in the lifeboat, but not before firing a rocket launcher at the sinking ship, destroying it and sending the King flying.

According to a map, the two buildings met in an underground green room complex. The heroes walked down the stairs and through a long hallway. As the silence grew too much to bear, the Descendant decided that now that Lichard Nixon had made an appearance, it was time to own up about the true reason he went back in time. As it turned out, the Descendant sent himself back in time to protect the Wraith, partially because he was important to the timestream, but also partially because…he was the Wraith’s descendant.

Meanwhile, the Mariner and Bright Man came upon a file cabinet near the green room. The Mariner, flipping quickly through the files, found the file for the preview night of “Kickin’ Rad!!!: The Story of Tommy Maxx”…the very performance that caused Dirkman Lee’s transformation. Only one paper drew his eye: A checklist for the flying actors’ harnesses. Chad McGuire had signed off on four of the five actors. However, Lee’s had a different pair of initials next to it: LN. Nixon’s conspiracy was growing more and more ominous by the second.

The two groups met in the green room. However, before they could pat themselves on the back, someone–the leader of this area–announced over the intercom that they had detected the Crown of Atlantis within the theater complex. The Wraith disguised the team as fish-men to avoid detection and they went towards the source of the flooding: The Metro Dome, an outdoor amphitheater used by large touring musical productions. They emerged into the pouring rain, facing two hooded figures.

One of the figures held out a box of Pocky, causing Bright Man to shed his disguise and leap at it. As he did so, the figure stepped back, shedding his cloak. It was then that the party knew that this fight was going to be incredibly stupid.

It was Toad Man.

The other figure took off his cloak, revealing Snake Man. They had come to the theater district so they could specifically fight Bright Man to see which one was the strongest Robot Master, and it was time to slam jam. Snake Man summoned two robot serpents from the flooded Metro Dome and the fight began.

Most of the party concentrated on attacking Snake Man, who, badly injured, jumped to a floating piece of debris to act as backup. Toad Man started swiveling his hips suggestively, and Bright Man, knowing that this was the setup to his Rain Flush attack, barely dodged as a huge stream of water crashed down upon him from the sky. However, he dodged right into the laser blast from one of the serpents…

Snake Man, in a final attack, shot two snakes with incredible accuracy at the Descendant. However, right before it looked like he was to fall, the Wraith jumped in front of him. The snakes latched onto his flesh and he fell into the water. The Descendant helped him out and gave him first aid, but he was obviously incapacitated for the time being. The Mariner managed to reach Snake Man and stabbed him with his harpoon, causing him to explode. However, this caused the harpoon to fly away, and before he could retrieve it, something moving faster than the eye could see caught it. It stopped briefly on the ground before escaping, revealing a creepy grey fox fursuit: The Silver Fox had returned.

Bright Man’s head swam as the trauma, combined with the surroundings, shifted his mind back into gear. For one minute, one golden minute, he became Dirkman Lee, the normal actor he had always been. The Mariner convinced him the whole fight was a movie setup, and Lee, filled with zeal, leapt at Toad Man, delivering a mighty blow and destroying the amphibian Robot Master. Almost immediately, his headgear fizzled out and he became Bright Man again.

As the team recovered, someone gave a mighty battle cry and blasted the front doors of the amphitheater open. A man in a disheveled pink karate uniform ran into the hall, screaming. As he calmed down, he introduced himself as the Streetest Fighter. He had a problem: The Silver Fox had stolen one of the floodgate control pendants, declared martial law over SuperCon and banished him. The Fox was reverse-engineering various pieces of technology to improve their suit, and soon would be unstoppable.

It looks like the team will be making an unexpected detour…a return to SUPERCON!!!