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Annie's Mailbox: Concerned relatives worry about spousal abuse

Posted:
01/26/2016 06:55:58 AM MST

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I'd like to know if this is considered spousal abuse. A young couple become born-again Christians. The husband decides he wants to go back to school to become a minister. He quits his corporate job and moves his family out of state. His wife supports him and the children for four years as best she can. He graduates and "just can't find the right job." He volunteers two days a week counseling people.

In the meantime, they are barely getting by. They don't have enough money to send the kids to college, and they can't afford their daughter's wedding. The husband has decided not to get a paying job because he's doing "God's work." He sleeps late every day and spends hours on the computer writing religious blog posts. His wife works full time and does the cleaning, shopping and all household chores.

I think this is emotional abuse. What do you think? — Concerned Relative

Dear Relative: We think this is not your business. When couples make decisions about who brings in the money, it's between the two of them. Even if his wife doesn't like it and is unhappy, that doesn't necessarily mean it is abusive. Only unequal and frustrating.

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Every marriage is different. What is intolerable to you may be manageable for her. We agree it would be worrisome if she feels trapped and unable to change her situation, but you do not indicate that this is the case. There are scholarships, grants and loans available for state and community colleges, and a wedding can be punch and cake in the backyard. Please don't project your feelings onto her. She may think her marriage is perfectly fine. If you are a close family member, talk to her. Ask how she's doing. See what the situation is. If you believe counseling is needed, she may be amenable to discussing things with her clergyperson. And if she gives you the impression that her husband is controlling all the money or her access to family members and friends, please urge her to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Dear Annie: What do I say to people who tell me to smile? The reason I don't like to smile is because my smile is ugly and I look horrible — like I'm making a face. How do I get them to stop? — A Daily Reader

Dear Reader: Well, you could grimace and then maybe they'd stop asking, but here's a different suggestion: If you are embarrassed by your smile, see if something can be fixed. Often, it is as simple as seeing a dentist, or practicing in front of a mirror until you can manage something natural. It's also possible that you think you have a terrible smile when, in fact, no one else is bothered by it.

Folks who are ashamed of or concerned about their smiles are often self-conscious to the point where it interferes with their social life. This puts you at a tremendous disadvantage. There is no shame in making your life better. Please see what can be done.

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