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Zolton Does Amazon: Chase Away the Blues!

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

Everyone’s going to feel a little blue now and then; it’s just part of life. Even the most upbeat and chipper among us will have their angsty emo moments. Mickey Mouse gorges on gouda and purges when nobody’s looking. Ronald McDonald pees in the Playland ball pits. Tigger’s been on Zoloft since 1994. No one is immune.

The key, they say, is to pull yourself out of the dark funk once you realize you’ve fallen in. What they don’t tell you is how. Not unless you pay them three bills an hour to lie on their couch and admit that every ink blot you see resembles your mother’s vagina. Or a Russell Brand Chia pet. Whichever is dirtier.

But why bother with professional help when amateur assistance is right here at your fingertips? I recently completed a study wherein I watched Old Yeller three times back-to-back, looped “Cat’s in the Cradle” at full blast, and carefully charted my retirement plan’s slow spiral down the old rusty crapper bowl. That worked me into a proper depressed lather.

Oh, poor Yeller! Your 401k probably blew goat balls, too!

Then I ordered the products below from Amazon — tears soaking the mousepad as I typed — to see which of them would sunshine my skies and rainbow up my heartstrings again.

(In retrospect, I probably should have splurged for the rush shipping on this one. That was a rough five-to-seven business days.)

So if you’re feeling sad, take a lesson from me — and the actual Amazon reviews of the products I tested. Find out how you can turn that frown upside down. Or at least ninety degrees. Sort of diagonal-ish, maybe — like a confused Peanuts character, or a ticklish stroke victim.

I read once that the key to happiness is a balanced aura. I think it was on the back of a cereal box. Patchouli-Os, maybe, or the one with Hemp, Crackle and Pop.

Anyway, this product seemed like a quick and easy way to adjust the old chi, without any pesky yoga or meditating or tantric tie-dye sessions. But I wasn’t exactly sure how to apply it. First, I tried spraying it all over and rubbing it in, like some kind of cosmic Deep Woods Off. But I didn’t feel any better; just a little sticky.

I’m glowing with the light of a thousand Phish concert bong hits!

So I tried “spritzing” it, and walking through it like a perfume or cologne. But that didn’t help, either. Maybe my aura needed a heavier coating, or the ceiling fan just slapped the mist all around the room. Finally, I tried applying internally, like a hit of Binaca. It tasted like barefoot and out-of-work hacky sacks. I don’t know if that means it’s working, but I suddenly have the urge to grow a soul patch and burn incense. I guess you could call that … “progress”?

The product description says this is a mood and energy enhancer, and may be beneficial for anxiety, stress, digestive upset, male impotency and vitality, menstrual disorder, PMS, anti-spasmodic, cellular regeneration, apoptosis and vision loss, among others. I’ve got at least three of those things, and maybe all of them. I’m not sure what a few of them ARE, exactly, but I could still have them. Or want them. It’s not entirely clear which side of the fence saffron is on in some of those cases, frankly.

Anyway, I needed the mood enhancing, so I bought a jar and added a little to my next meal. I’m pleased to report that the taste of the saffron really “zings” up the taste of top ramen, more than any spice packet I’ve ever tried. So I guess it “enhanced my mood” in that way, at least. And I absolutely experienced no vision loss, spasms, PMS, male vitality or regenerating cells while I was eating or for hours afterward. So it delivers what it promises. Thumbs up!

Sometimes, the most important thing about feeling down is having someone nearby to listen. Nobody in my life wants to hear my problems — not my boss, my dog, my mother, my wife or my pizza delivery guy — so I thought this lady could help. She seemed very attentive and interested, and even if it’s just a poster, it’s at least an image of a person I felt I could talk to. I bought the biggest size and hung it over my couch, just like in the images.

The problem is, this lady never pays attention to me. Every time I want to share something with her, she’s staring at this frizzy-haired girl in the blue shirt. I mean, seriously — hello! It’s been three weeks; the rest of us have problems, too, you know. Stop monopolizing the counselor with whatever Hello Kitty Rebecca Black little “problem” you think you have, and let the rest of us have a turn already. Gosh!

I was so happy to find this product, because I want to good-bye depression. I want to good-bye depression very many!

I was a little startled to find that the secret to good-bye depression is “constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday.” It seemed a little far-fetched and unorthodox, sure — but any more so than the “power of positive thinking” or “letting go and accepting what is”? Hardly.

And CONSTRICT one, and DENT two, and CONSTRICT three, and… uh. Can somebody spare a square over here?

The exercises take a bit of getting used to — and probably shouldn’t be practiced in public, or after any kind of starchy meal — but I have to say, they seem to help. When you can manage to do something so patently ridiculous and random every single day, it’s difficult to find anxiety or stress in basically anything else. The funk just sort of melts away.

So maybe an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But for depression and gloom, a hundred “suck-and-puckers” every morning seems to do the trick, too. To good-bye depression happy love man!

MANY SPHINCTER GOOD TIME ARE WE! MUCH FRUIT OF LOOM WEARING! JOYFUL ANUS PUCKER SONG!