and loves every second of it

All Natural Hemlock-O’s!

Do you sometimes feel tired? Run down? Lacking in energy? Of course you do, you’re alive! But treat your non-medical and absolutely general non-symptoms with our expensive products anyway!

Doctors HATE this one trick, because it doesn’t work and convinces people not to seek proper medical treatment until it’s too late!

Solve every problem you have with our new 100% natural breakfast cereal!

Absolutely NO ARTIFICIAL ADDITIVES! It’s covered in pests, because bugs like to eat things full of food which grow out in the open. Taste the unmistakably natural misting of rodent urine, because they scamper so naturally through the fields and we didn’t want to use any nasty chemicals to clean them. It costs a hundred dollars a gram and you have to walk to our field to buy it, because it turns out gasoline is pretty goddamn artificial. And it would be insane to drive somewhere further away just to buy natural things! Just hike up through our mud trail and we’ll yank it out of the ground and hurl it right at you, and you’ll love it because we shout NATURAL!

NATURAL! Because evil technology has shielded you from nature so completely that you’ve forgotten most of nature wants to kill you! Every animal eats other living things to survive! Plants evolve poison just to take you with them as they die! Natural, which means dying at thirty without ever being able to count that high, while we count the profits from your luddite fear.

REMEMBER: if you don’t need a prescription, that’s because it’s either been tested and measurably proved not to do anything, or it’s not been tested, and nobody knows what might happen. Good luck!