I have a secret to share. It may shock, anger, even appall you. Are you ready?

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Elemental is NOT a Paranormal Romance. Neither is Almost Night. Or any other book I’ve written. I’ll give you a moment to recover.

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You might have guessed, but this is my very sarcastic way of finally opening up about who I am. I like sarcasm. It helps to lighten the mood. But I started this with my first blog post and I need to continue it.

Here are some things you don’t know about me:

I’ve been bullied

isolated

stalked

cheated on

suffered from depression-induced eating disorders that I had to claw my way out of by myself because I was too afraid to tell anyone

abused

broken

The only reason I’m still standing is because God is holding me together.

And I write broken characters.

I don’t write strong, female protagonists because I’M not a strong, female protagonist. I’m alive. And that’s a different kind of strength. It’s the strength that clings to loved ones, to God, because it can’t do anything else. It wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to scream from the weight crushing it down. But it’s alive. Everyday, it’s a strength that endures.

Ella is broken.

Lilly is broken.

In different ways.

But they endure. They stay alive through it all.

They’re not perfect, just like I’m not perfect. And they struggle through it all with the knowledge that they’re the most dangerous things in the universe…to themselves and to others. Just like me.

Sure it’s sci-fi for Ella and fantasy for Lilly, but they’re just like me. They’re just like the teenage girl I was and the teenage girls I know are going through the same things today that I went through years ago. I needed characters like Ella and Lilly when I was younger. And I know there are girls who need them today.

Because they endure, and we all need to know that getting through tomorrow is possible.

So, I’m back! Back to blogging, that is, because I never really left social media. Not completely.

I stepped away. I hovered, watching, smiling, cheering everyone on with my “likes” and occasional comments. I linked everything together (twitter to facebook and facebook to twitter) so it seemed like I was there. Present. Doing things. Being a part of the crowd.

Even an actual post once in a while. Something other than a meme to make it seem like I was there.

But I’ve felt like a drifter.

There have been hundreds of different things I’ve wanted to say, but I didn’t. Hundreds of things I wanted to tell you. But would you like it? Would you care? Could I put those words in just the perfect way to make you like me more?

I almost didn’t start this blog post today. Look at that title up there… It almost made me postpone this for another week…or two.

I couldn’t come up with an absolutely fantabulous look-at-all-the-shares-and-see-we’re-on-the-top-of-google title as I stared at my screen for a half an hour. So I almost stepped away.

But I’m back, because I miss this.

Even though it almost killed me the first time.

See that face?

That’s the face of depression.

Not exactly what we’ve been told to look for, though I think people are becoming more aware than they’ve ever been before.

There are no dark clothes. No heavy eyeliner. No brooding looks.

You know, the things we think go hand-in-hand with depression.

Instead, there are smiles and lots of exclamation marks and emoticons. Because if I pretend, you won’t know. And you’ll like me more.

If I create a persona to shield myself from you, the outside world, I can go on.

But when that persona becomes a prison, it starts to eat you alive.

It ate me alive.

So I drifted.

And now I’m back.

No more perfection. No more pretending to be happy when I’m not. If I’m happy, you’ll know it’s true. If I’m not, I’ll drift for a little while, but I’ll come back. Sooner this time, because now you know.

Hey there! I'm Emily White. Thanks for stopping by.

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