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Monday, October 19, 2015

I Got The Meat Sweats

I do not expect any of you to believe this story, but I swear on my own life it is 100% true. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

The house was empty Saturday night. Kyle was at a friend's house for a party, and Mrs. Earp had Erik, Kevin, and Julia at Trick or Trunk at their school. (Parents park in the lot and kids go trick or treatin' car-to-car.) I was sitting on the couch watching the Michigan game, fighting sleep, since I had been up for 32 hours at the time, when someone knocked on the door. I groan, walk to the door, and see a morbidly obese bearded man wearing an Eagles hat - one strike there - tattered hoodie - strike two - and baggy jeans - you're out!

I resist the urge to choke him to death with my remote control and open the door. Fat Tony smiles and says he is selling meat door to door. Yes, really. The guy claims he had "just delivered an order" in my neighborhood and "suddenly" had extra meat on his hands... in the back of his panel van.

The good news? Fat Tony was ready to pass on the savings to me! He was offering deep, deep discounts on beef, chicken, and pork, which obviously translated into cat, dog, and raccoon. I politely declined, and he continued his wandering carny show down the block. I took the above photo for proof - his business is run out of the white van - and when he returned to the van, he drove away... with the rear doors open.

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About Me

Sarcastic lawdog, conservative blogger, destroyer of trolls, and co-author of the crime novel, Only Son. Once literally carried Miss America 1991 from an auto wreck, and I have an Urban Dictionary listing named after me.