Two 27-Year-Old NYC Girls Who Just Can’t Even Looking For Preppy Post-Grad Fratstar On Craigslist

Attention NYC post-grad Bros: Are you 6 feet or taller, played lacrosse in college, work for a bank, wear half-zips, Ray-Bans Wayfarers, loafers, and Patagonia vests, know Bob Seger lyrics, and looking for a girlfriend now that the summer’s over? Two of the most basic girls ever are now taking boyfriend applications on Craigslist.

Just from their criteria alone I am overwhelmed by their Starbucks-slurping, Soul Cycle-loving Murray Hill can’t-even-ness. You better at least be an analyst at J.P. Morgan with dreams of Director and V.P. in your future. You should probably already be casually talking about your plans to move to P.E. or a hedgefund when you move back to Connecticut in a few years. Associate-level at a consulting firm and anyone employed by a Big Four need not apply.

Socially, your once-wild days of closing down the bar at Brother Jimmys and the Joshua Tree should long be in the rearview mirror.

A girl has to have standards, you know?

There’s no doubt these girls work in fashion (…probably buyers for J.C. Penny or something) or P.R. (Edelman? MMW? Taylor?) or any other job that generally involves checking Instagram and/or Elite Daily and/or Hello Giggles a lot during their work day. They think The Bean or Think Coffee is a “hipster” coffee shop. They lunch on Liquiteria, think the cocktail speakeasy inside Blind Barber is actually cool, wait hungover in the godawful line at Thompkins Square Bagels on Saturday mornings after nights at Bowery Electric, and “dine” monthly at Beauty and Essex. On the company, of course.

Enjoy the apple-picking, Bros.

*If you’re old and live outside the Tri-State, I realize that none of this makes sense to you. But if you get it, you get it.

Join The Discussion

I’m 26, have lived in NYC practically my whole life and also work in finance…I would say I have had sufficient romantic and professional experience with both North American and international banker-boy versions a per the description above. I am assuming neither of these girls have actually dated a real banker (it only counts if he calls you his girlfriend too!) because who would actually put themselves through the voluntary torture of bringing one into your life during the happiest time of the year..aka the holidays?! …here is why

– They will never consider the possibility that you may be smarter than them sex –> sleep but maybe if you’re dead set on perfumey experiences you can integrate a bubble bath but again only if it also includes one of the previous three activities
– They’re perpetually super stressed from being bossed around, dealing with money laundering scandals, book burning etc that they slowly loose every drop of kindness and turn into bossy horny tyrants I have tried everything to reverse this transformation from lingerie, massages and more bubble baths but the fact is tension, anger and stress at home is inevitable unless your banker boyfriend also smokes weed (and most of them are too “professional” for that)
– One of my favorite activities = apple picking (and row boats in CP) ; no banker I have ever met was even slightly excited about the prospect of this little excursion since the last thing they want to be doing at the end of a busy fall week is picking fruit even if a farm petting zoo is included…
– Any girl who appreciates fashion would know that half-zips and patagonia vests?! are for dads, grandpas and corny people…Sidenote: this is less prevalent among Euro bankers who instead go for the hipster look on weekends (barf again) … but I do love Barbour coats!
– Cooking at home? Yeah bankers really know their way around the kitchen…
– Football…because at this point in my life I really want to spend my weekends getting drunk off GMO-filled Budweiser while pretending to like a sport I have no interest in…SERIOUSLY GIRLS game days are still a day in your life you will never get back…use it wisely doing something you actually like…like going apple picking
– Girls be ready to feel undervalued… bankers only have time to have serious phone calls with clients and colleagues and as their willing GF you of course should understand that and keep your convos limited to text (with a 4hour minimum wait time for all responses longer than one word)

I would suggest that the girls who placed this ad direct themselves to the nearest ISIS or Boko Haram camp…you will probably be treated just as shitty by a man (or men) who don’t value women and at least those guys don’t have to spend 80+ hours in the office…