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6.09.2006

Building a History

While sifting through books and journals over the past several days, I've found a couple of love notes from ex-boyfriends. Re-reading these is a little like remembering dreams I once had; the memories are tangible enough, but seem so far away that it's hard to believe they ever existed. I assume (perhaps indulgently) that these men will also come upon letters that I've written at one point or another and the fact that their attics and basements hold past proofs of who I've been is hard to wrap my brain around.

Some of my break-ups happened swiftly; others were much more painful and one, in particular, shattered my image of myself to the point that I spent the better part of college rebuilding in its aftermath. The best break-ups leave you feeling inspired and singing; the worst can create one of the most dangerous feelings of all: self-doubt.

Someone close to me is going through a tough time in a relationship and she is having a very hard time seeing what lies on the other side of the END. While I have learned that, even at the worst lows, things somehow eventually get better, she has not been down that road yet. Of course, the irony of it all is that she can only discover this on her own.

To know someone and to let someone know you is a beautiful and difficult thing. I'm positive that some of my relationships have ended quickly because of my reluctance to do one or both of these. That being said, I'm now at a place where both of these not only happen, but thrive, and it's good to finally feel healthy and well-adjusted with someone.

It seems impossible to me to know which love letters deserve to be thrown out and which will someday tell the beginning of a life-long story. Instead of picking favorites and dumping the rest, I prefer to think about them all as important voices in MY story, and therefore, they're all worth keeping.