The joy of solo sex

Gender:

Male

I started masturbating around 5th grade. We had a talk on it in sex-ed, and I just had to try. It was quite nice. I was kind of a bad student then, and even didn't pick up on most of the sex-ed stuff, but this I did remember. At the time I would just make a fist and jerk away. I liked the feeling a lot. Then after a while something sudden would happen, and everything would be strange and I would stop. I later learned that this was orgasm.

In those early days, I would masturbate anywhere and everywhere — before bed, in the bathroom, whatever. I loved it. In my peak in high school I could go at it 3 times per day. Many times I would go to the grocery store and read the women's magazines about sex — you know, "ten ways to spice up your sex life" or something like that. This would get me all excited, so I would have to go home and think about it and masturbate.

By the time I began to ejaculate, I preferred to do it in the bathroom on the toilet. I would take off all of my clothes; that way I couldn't make a mess on them. I could also easily clean up the mess I did make. I always imagined that nobody heard me, but I doubt it. Once I accidentally forgot to lock the door. Boy, that was a mistake — as I got into the act, my mother opened the door. She was totally shocked to see me sitting on the toilet completely naked. She had no idea I was even in the bathroom. She said, "Oh, are you going to take a shower?" Of course I stumbled out an uh-huh. She closed the door and left. I continued until I ejaculated. Then I cleaned up and left. I had to walk all the way across the house to get the things I needed to actually take a shower. I'm sure she understood what was going on, but she never said a word.

In high school I became very sex-literate. I would read books about sex in stores and libraries, always trying to be "unseen" about it. I found out lots of new things and learned about different sex positions. I was especially turned on by accounts of oral sex. I also found a few tips on masturbation. I read about some new techniques, but rarely used them. One exception was anal stimulation, which I really enjoyed.

For a long time I wanted to stop masturbating. In high school I knew it was against my Roman Catholic religion. However, my parents and people at my parish were quite liberal and never said much about sex. Still, I had a deep sense that what I was doing was dirty and wrong. At that point I really didn't care much about religion, so I felt no real obligation to change. I could do that when I got older — I was having too much fun.

About the time I started college I became more religious. I felt I had to stop, so I did. I went completely without masturbating or about 4 months. Then I couldn't control myself. I always said, "Just this one time, and then I will stop." I had many "last times." From my freshman year to the beginning of my senior year I was either trying to abstain from masturbation, having a "last time," or wishing I could stop. I just couldn't do it. I became very familiar with the inside of the confessional. Every time I would tell a priest about how often I mastubate, I would feel so awful.

Near the end of my junior year I became quite depressed. I had few friends and never dated. I wanted this to change, but I didn't know how to do it. I was scarred, nervous, and most of all frustrated. Luckily, masturbation took the edge off of all of this. Then in my senior year (this year) I started getting counseling. This was quite helpful. They gave me a prescription for Paxil, which did have some effect on my self-love habits. It made it much more difficult to reach orgasm. This in itself is not a bad thing. I did not have to put any efforts into making a masturbation session last 30 minutes, even with heavy stimulation (which can be tiring). Since then I have learned to change up my technique and use a bit more imagination.

At about this time I decided to reject the Catholic faith altogether. However, I was very afraid of being wrong and going to hell. I believe my counseling and the Paxil taught me to trust myself more, and that strengthened my own convictions. I could now have the strength to admit what I believed. The results of this change in my life were massive. Not the least of all were my beliefs about masturbation. Now my only reasons to stop (i.e., God doesn't like it and I don't know why) had disappeared. I was finally able to say to myself, "I masturbate, and there is nothing wrong with that." I'm not claiming one needs to reject the concept of God to do this, but it was my route. Now I don't feel guilty about masturbating whenever I feel like it. Although I still don't discuss it it freely, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

One other thing that has helped me develop a sex positive-attitude was reading The Joy of Solo Sex. This book revolutionized the way I saw myself, and the dignity which I had that was not affected by my masturbation. In fact, masturbating has become something I am glad I do. I can now feel good about giving myself pleasure anytime I want. I can have fun and feel good.

I still have never dated or had sex. I hope someday to share my wonderful sexual self with a woman.

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Do you masturbate to make yourself feel good, or to try and imitate sex?