Terrible news. Project Gizmodnik, our brilliant plan to secretly infiltrate the U.S. tech media for the glorification of Matushka Rossiya’s Great Leader Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump and/or the destruction of global capitalism*, has been compromised by American “super spy” Eric Garland.

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Fellow deep cover Russian operatives, you may remember Garland as the self-declared intelligence expert who rose to Twitter fame by posting incomprehensible strings of emoji-laden, amphetamine-stoked conspiracy theories blaming our motherland for every single event leading to Trump’s election. (He also fell, hard, for the internet meme claiming the White House created a TV program for Trump called the “Gorilla Channel.”) But we have underestimated this man, to our great embarrassment.

Yes, working only from New York Times writer Mike Isaac’s decision to tweet an article from our sister site Splinter questioning the credibility of Michael Wolff’s book on Trump (thanks, Mike), Garland has uncovered an elaborate narrative in which Gizmodo Media Group is working in collusion with Univision, Peter Thiel, Jorge Ramos, unidentified media executives, and Daddy Trump himself to... something something... Russian disinformation operations. (Thiel secretlyfunded a lawsuit that led to the bankruptcy of Gizmodo’s former owner Gawker Media.)

It’s all very smart and devious and you probably wouldn’t understand how or why we went to the effort of... something something... Gorilla Channel... Russia... Trump.

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Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

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Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

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Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

Image: Screengrab via Eric Garland’s magical Twitter journey

Worst of all, once fellow Project Gizmodnik operatives were alerted that our cover has been blown, they have broken off contact, feigned ignorance, or frantically confessed to their roles in various FSB/GRU plots. All this, seemingly in the misguided belief that they might escape Garland’s deadly grasp, or that he will show mercy to the United States’ enemies. You cowards.

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Image: Screengrab via Signal

Image: Screengrab via Twitter DM

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With Gizmodnik compromised and our operation in total disarray, it has fallen to me to burn our various illicit documents, wipe the Kinja servers of all incriminating evidence, and destroy the krokodil lab we set up in the basement to launder rubles.