Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

“Yes, great, we’re great. Look at us all here, wonderful, the best. Love being in Iowa. My favorite state, great state. I won Iowa. Great, great state. Best wrestlers in the world. I did some wrestling. Took down Vince McMahon. Gave him the suplex, duplex, shmuplex, whatever. Champion of wrestling.”

PROTESTING SOUND

“See? See? This is the violence of the left and the Deep State. They’re very violent people, so it’s okay to hit them. Attack the violent people. Great, really great. All of those so-called protestors, who are being paid by James Comey, were probably about to go shoot a Congressman. Stan Scalia, great guy, great. Went by the hospital to see him. Sat in on one of the surgeries. Many of the nurses told me that he was only alive because of my visit.

“Otto Whatever isn’t doing as well. Dead. Very nasty business. He was so beuatiful, a beautiful young man with blond hair, and Kim over there killed him. Bad guy, that Kim guy over there. China won’t deal with him, so I will. We’re gonna deal with Kim and Korea and we’re gonna have the most phenomenal deal. No more dead kids. Why did Obama ask Kim to kill Otto Whatever? Maybe Robert Mueller should look into that.

“Democrats can’t win fair, so they cheat. Since my great, wonderful election victory, there have been 25 or 40 special elections, and we’ve won them all. Most of that was me, but the candidates are great, too. Karen Handel, great. Not a looker, but a smart cookie. We’d be doing even better if we started running babes.

“When I came down that escalator in Trump Tower, do you remember that? When we started this wonderful journey before the lying, failing media began to attack me so viciously? It was the best, very famous, me and Melania, who is regarded as one of the world’s greatest beauties and almost gotten all the black-person smell out of the White House. Very famous escalator ride. Longest escalator in the word, whole world. First time Mike Pence saw it, he got scared. Cried, started praying, whole deal. He’s from some hick state, they don’t have escalators.

“They said Paris was binding, but I unbinded us. Now we’re free, and we’re going to open up so many coal mines. What made America great was her coal mines, and that’s what we’re gonna bring back. Maybe I’ll send Nancy Pelosi to work in one. President is allowed to do that, absolutely.

“I got the best team. Wilbur Ross. You’re on Wall Street, you don’t even need his last name. Just Wilbur. Huge money guy, and he’s gonna work for you. Gary Cohn. That’s a real Jewish name, best name for money. He took a pay cut of $800 million to work for you. Out of patriotism! The Democrats are obstructing me and wiretpping the Oval Office, but I’m getting you the best guys. Neil Gorsuch. He said to me, ‘Mr. President, I’m gonna use the Supreme Court to build America’s military.’ Isn’t that great?

“Crooked Hillary wants to take away your children and your healthcare and your motorcycles. All they got is witch hunts. Fake witch hunts. I’m gonna let ICE poke illegal aliens’ eyes out. These brave, beautiful men who deport so many criminals are so wonderful. Why don’t we build the wall out of the illegal aliens? As a warning? MS-13 is coming here, and they are worse than ISIS. Not as bad as Hillary Clinton, but very bad.

“You all know Charles Schumer? I call him Charles Jew-mer. Not in front of Jared, but I do. Jew-mer. You like that? Great.

“Jobs are booming. Jobs are doing phenomenally, so many jobs, and American jobs for Americans. Even blacks, that’s how many jobs there are. We are rebuilding America that Barack Hussein set on fire. The most racist president in our country’s history, many historians I follow on Twitter say that. Hated whites, even though he was half-white. I guess that’s the half that went to college. Right? You like that? I love you, Iowa.

“You are the special people. So special. We’re straightening up the mess left by years of weakness. Healthcare is fixed. Afghanistan is over, done, we won. Everyone has a job mining coal and there’s no Russia. No Russia.