So many times we go through this life as busy as we can possibly be. When we get like this, we miss out on one of the most beautiful voices . . . God. God is talking to each one of us in a way that we can understand. This is my way to share what God is saying to me. I'd love to hear how He is talking to you.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Yes, this is the second post in one day! I have gotten pretty behind in my blogging. But there are seasons for everything....including blogging.

If you haven't read my post titled "Daily Love" I am going to ask that you scroll down and read it first. It will help this one make a little more sense.

I have recently begun to believe that I am worthy of pursuit. This has been a HUGE struggle for me for the past 10 years. Bare with me as I share a tad bit of my testimony.....

I have had a few, 3 to be exact, of what I would call "serious" relationships. Two of them were in highschool. One guy I dated on and off for most of highschool. The other I dated for a few months while the other guy and I were on poor terms. The third guy, we'll call him Ted, I dated early in college. We had dated a little while I was in high school, but ended it before I graduated. Well, we got back together soon after I started college. I thought it was the perfect relationship. Ted took me on sweet dates, wrote me love letters, called me, visited me at school, and said nice things to me. Not long into our relationship we got rather physical and didn't set boundaries. Our relationship got the point where the physical aspect seemed expected. The nice things he did and said seemed to have underlying expectations. But, I was convinced that I was going to marry Ted, so I justified it all. Needless to say, we broke up. It was tough. I truly was in love with Ted and was preparing myself to spend my life with him. This sent me seeking out guys for the physical aspect rather than anything else. I thought that was what would make them want me and pursue me. It was all part of my 10 year plan to be married after college, have a family, and find a job.

About 5 years after Ted and I ended alot of the the repressed emotion began to surface. I felt sick about the things I had done and experienced outside of marriage. Praise God for his protection and my virginity (which I am still holding on to at the age of 30)!!!! However, there were walls that went up. Satan began to flood my life with a number of lies.

The biggest lie was that no one would ever want me. No one was ever going to pursue me. No one would ever want to date me. And I believed this......for a long time.

BUT (here comes the great part), God has been teaching me otherwise. And guess what....someone has been pursuing me. And it is wonderful! I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was truly just trying to seek out God each and every day, all while learning more and more to let God love me.

I have been dating someone (who will remain nameless for now) for about 3 weeks. We have been talking for a few months. He constantly encourages me and reminds me that I am totally worth being pursued. It was really tough for me to take at first because satan would twist things and leave me questioning. But I am learning that I am totally worthy of this and I deserve this as a daughter of God. I deserve a person who likes me for me, who encourages my walk with Christ, and who respects me.

I have no idea where this relationship is going. We are just taking one day at a time and enjoying a healthy relationship centered on Christ. It is tough. Satan attacks. The world says we should do things differently. But God is good. He is faithful. And He is in charge. He knows our hearts. And I'm glad that HE has taught me that I am worthy of pursuit!

I can honestly say that I am finally grasping the 2 BIG lessons God has been teaching me over the past year and a half!

It all began when I read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge 2 years ago. I was in a deep pit and could not seem to find my way out. So I read. And this was the book I read. Over and over and over in this book I felt God telling me that He was ready for me to come to him. He was ready for me to need him. He was ready to love me like I've never been loved. I just didn't quite believe it...

Last March, our women's ministry team held a weekend retreat. We went through Beth Moore's curriculum Loving Well. The main focus of the week was love and the truth that nothing can separate us from the love of God. There were definite walls knocked down, but I still had my doubts.

This past Thanksgiving I went to Texas to visit a very close friend. She had me read Now and Not Yet by Jennifer Marshall. This book added a whole new twist to the love lessons God had been pouring over me. It was about understanding that singleness is just as much a part of God's plan as any other relationship status. And that God wants us to meet him and his love DAILY. The idea of living intentionally every day for God and experiencing His love on a daily basis seemed almost more than I could understand.

Over the past 2 months, these ideas of living each day for Christ and letting His love fuel me have really started to sink in. I cannot pinpoint an exact "ah-ha" moment. But I know that I am getting it. I am beginning to grasp the love that God has for me. I am beginning to see the fruit of living intentionally for God every day that He gives me breath.