Posts for Second Trimester Category

In the months leading up to our wedding, I basically had our entire wedding in a huge stack of boxes by the front door.

Boxes of mason jars and candles. A tub of white tablecloths, and a box of burlap covers to go over. A box of bouquets and boutonnieres, table runners. Dishes, silverware, napkins. Bundles of lace for accents, a chalkboard for directions leaning up against it all. Prepared. Ordered. Ready.

It drove me crazy.

I was super organized, with two versions of a To-Do list – one with overall tasks to be done, the second organized by months leading up to the big day, with specific, accomplishable goals outlined for each month. That second one was purely to help me manage my anxiety – I knew I couldn’t accomplish every single task, craft, and preparation all in one day, or one week, or even one month. I knew there were time limits on things like the marriage license (only valid for thirty days) or things that simply couldn’t be performed until the day of the wedding – decorating the ceremony site and the reception hall.

I wasn’t good with the waiting. Those boxes, standing there, ready, kept reminding me how much work there was to be done, and I couldn’t do it yet. They kept reminding me that I had this big, huge, life-changing day of joy and celebration coming up – but it wasn’t here yet. I couldn’t celebrate yet, I couldn’t enjoy the flood of emotions and relief and love. I had to wait.

I am an anxious person, we know this, we’ve talked about it here on more than one occasion. I wish fervently I weren’t, but it’s the reality of who I am. Trying to deny that, or ignore it, only causes me more harm and grief.

I’m an anxious person, and part of the reason waiting is so difficult for me is because my mind usually doesn’t know how to interpret excitement properly. I mentioned this in Emi’s birth story – what I’m actually feeling is anticipation – that fluttery, almost joyous feeling of expectation that comes before a big event. It’s not (supposed to be) fear, or apprehension, it’s just excitement! And yet – too often, my brain recognizes it as the emotion that’s quite common to it – anxiety.

Shadea and I sat down for another chat, this time with both of us fairly far along in our second trimesters. It’s always so refreshing to sit down and talk with this girl in a practical, humorous, and honest manner, and this session was no exception. Today’s topics include: transitioning from first to second trimester, finding both emotional and physical balance, feeling sexy and empowered while pregnant (or trying to!), and how to face your limits and accept help and support when it’s offered.

E: HI.

S: Hey girl!Sorry to keep you waiting.

No, I literally forgot today.

When Lauren and I were making plans for tonight (she does her laundry here), I mentioned, I will have to chat with Shadea at seven, and she just now said, you’ve got to do that thing with Shadea, and I was like OH RIGHT, YES. I DO. I TOTALLY remembered on my own.

So no worries.

I just finished dinner and I guess I was eating slowBecause, you know, food tastes so hella good these days

YES MA’AM, everyone asks what I’m craving and I’m like FOOD IN GENERAL.

Same way here. “Oh you have banana pudding this weekend? I need banana pudding like NOW.”

I’m super pumped about this! Not sure if this is how you did things before, but I just have a general idea of things to cover.

I mean, we can talk about food first.

I’m always down to talk about food, and I love talking to you about ideas and whatnot, so I’m excited!! Ready when you are!

Well in general, I’ve had a pretty easy second trimester. It’s almost over and I feel like throughout this process I’ve been kind of waiting for the hammer to drop. And it finally did, and I guess I wanted to see if you’d had a similar experience or how stress has affected you.

Yes, OK! Remind me how many weeks you are now – 23?

Yes – 23 weeks and…..4 days.

Right, and I am 21 weeks and 6 days. (when this was written)

So, how did your first trimester transition into your second? Was there a noticeable difference or was it more of the same experience?

It was pretty seamless. I didn’t have any incredible sense of passage or demarcation between them. Honestly, it seems a little arbitrary.You?

I’m kinda middle ground. It wasn’t a huge dramatic change, but I definitely noticed some changes. I think I didn’t really FEEL pregnant at all (since I was never sick) until week 12, and so moving into week 13 was like, Wow, suddenly pregnant! And that feeling only grew from there.

Those tiny, soft little flutters that are almost too gentle to register. Little bubbles bursting, little popcorn kernels popping open. A great big blink, or a hiccup.

I’d been waiting for this for a long time. Expecting it, hopeful and terrified at the same time.

On the same day we found out she was a she – after I’d coming back to work feeling drunk in delirious happiness, after I’d finally made the rounds and told pretty much every single person that this dream of mine was coming true – I finally settled back at my desk, and worked like a mad woman to make up for the time I’d been away. Drunk and delirious in a different way, then – dizzy with numbers and spreadsheets and check lists.

And then – pop. A few seconds later – pop, pop.

You hope, you think, you pray, you wonder – and when it happens, you’re still not quite sure. Or – I wasn’t, at least.

It felt completely different than I’d expected. I don’t know how to describe what I’d expected, except to say different, somehow. Deeper, perhaps, more guttural – and instead, it was like the faintest brush of a sparrow’s wing. A butterfly kiss, a gentle stirring.