12.A month bleaker than a tumbleweed on the moon:

GETTY / valio84sl

February is the shortest month of the year because if it were a single day longer everyone would cry themselves into a coma. It's dark, it's cold — it's like the heart of your shittiest exboyfriend. I hate you, February. Stop calling me.

11.The month that took "first is the worst" a little too literally:

GETTY / valio84sl

Oh yeah, let's all start making resolutions and going to the gym during soul-sucking snow storms and 4:30 sunsets. Nothing like jogging in ten below! Hahaha, life is so fun.

10.The month that is one giant tease:

GETTY / valio84sl

March is *technically* spring the same way Staten Island is *technically* New York City. In both instances, people would rather stay home watching reruns of Buffy than hang out in them.

9.The month that starts the beginning of the end:

GETTY / Syntheticmessiah

November is like one giant funeral for all the months you like better. The only reason it's not at the top of this list is because somewhere buried in the misery is a day dedicated to eating so much food you literally pass out. Bless you, Thanksgiving.

8.The month that personifies the word "moist:"

GETTY / valio84sl

What you thought was rain is actually just April crying itself to sleep every night. "Why can't I be May?" April snorts into a pillow damp with tears.

7.The month that isn't April:

GETTY / valio84sl

There are only two things my dad has taught me: 1. Jazz has no boundaries and no limits and 2. May is never as nice as you think it's going to be. Will it rain? Will it snow? Will it be gorgeous? IT MAY.

6.A month that hinges its entire reputation on a single day:

GETTY / RomoloTavani

WE GET IT, December. You have Christmas! Great!!! Doesn't make up for the fact that the sun sets at 4 o'clock, but great!!!

5.The month that fully commits to being summer:

GETTY / winstonwolf89

August gets a bad rap for being "too sweaty" and "my Uncle Joe literally fainted from heat stroke" but people forget how it ends: tip to tip with gorgeous early fall weather. Mmmmm, pass the warm potato salad, August.

4.A month cozier than a puppy in a sweater:

GETTY / valio84sl

Who is October's PR person? Its branding is so on point. October has its own color, its own smell, its own FEEL. If October had an Instagram it would have more followers than Kylie Jenner.

3.A month that's one giant party:

GETTY / danny4stockphoto

July is your windows down on a drive to the beach. July is the smell of sea salt in the air. July is an ice cold beer on a hot day. July is sunsets. July is happiness. July is good.

2.The month that gets better with age:

GETTY / Nataliia_Melnychuk

I used to dread September as a kid because of the whole back-to-school-gives-me-nervous-diarrhea thing, but now that I'm grow'd I can fully appreciate September's near perfect weather sans funny-tummy. Plus, Labor Day! Yahoo!

1.The greatest month there ever was:

GETTY / valio84sl

Like Beyoncé's thighs, June has no flaws. The sun stays out late, the weather is gorgeous, and we are all better people. June, I love you...will you—will you marry me? I know exactly when to have the wedding.