TCW, Story Reel Part II: Can You See The Real Me?

The Clone Wars, Unaired Story Reel, Part 2: In Search of the Crystal

Well hello once again, fellow nerds! Please, come on in and have a seat: today, we’ll be revisiting the Tragically Unfinished Story Reels of The Clone Wars, that awkward time when Obi-Wan and Anakin found themselves forced to try to solve a mystery while having access to only a portion of their coloring and shading, and with hair that doesn’t even wave around in the wind or anything. And guess what? That’s not even CLOSE to the most depressing thing about this episode.

Fortunately, even though we are lacking some of the TCW basics in this arc, we DO have Voiceover Recap Guy, who’s here to get us back in the loop on what we’ve covered so far: Team Handsome are trying to solve a Mystery! (Oh good, the Jedi excel at that.) They went to Utapau, which is referred to as a “sinkhole planet”! LOL, the planet itself was still labelled “temp” when this story reel got the ax:

While they were on Utapau, they were investigating the death of a Jedi! This intro refers to Obi-Wan as Anakin’s Master despite the fact that he wouldn’t have been for actual years at this point! I bet Anakin wrote this part of the script! They did some more detective work and discovered a Secret Arms Deal with Sugi warriors and the whole thing sure looks like it ties back to Grievous and The Separatists, which I really hope is the name of someone’s crappy band! The local officials on Utapau wanted Team Handsome to GTFO, but people wanting them to leave has never stopped Anakin and Obi-Wan from being anywhere before and they’re not about to be pressured to leave now! And with that, here we go…

Recurring Theme: Unwelcoming Party

As we get into the episode, the boys are flying around on those dactillion things again, and once again Anakin’s head appears to be partially separated from his body:

They descend on a village below them, but before they can land, the locals start hurling spears at them. It’s killing me to think that maybe the time he spent A) defeating a murderous Separatist cyborg while riding around on a giant gila monster and B) surviving a bona-fide assassination attempt from his own troops wasn’t even the weirdest trip Obi-Wan had to this planet.

I Can Go Evil All By Myself

Obi-Wan’s like “welp this must be the right place, since they’re trying to kill us” and Anakin’s like “good thing their weapons suck, LET’S GO KILL THEM ALL RIGHT NOW” while Obi-Wan, predictably, replies:

This better be on a plaque under a statue of Obi-Wan somewhere.

…man, Sheev possibly didn’t even need to put in as much work as he did on Project Scramble Anakin’s Brain. Anakin seems pretty jazzed about flying off the handle and murdering things all on his own just fine, thanks.

Their animal friends get shot down (noooo!), and the boys get into a ground battle with their Amani adversaries here, and man, it looks pretty hilarious given the missing animations, but we’ll take what we can get:

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Day-Ruiner

The baddies clear the area after the boys chase them off, and Anakin picks up one of their weapons that he clearly and stupidly did not realize that they had: precision laser darts! Ah! You know: as in the weapon that killed Master Tu-Anh in the last episode? THE REASON THEY’RE HERE RIGHT NOW? ANAKIN, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

The best part is that Anakin has the nerve to be like “hey Master check out what I found” and Obi-Wan is like YES DUH OF COURSE THEY HAVE THESE WEAPONS THAT IS PARTLY HOW WE ENDED UP SEEKING THEM OUT DID YOU NOT WATCH THE EPISODE WE WERE LITERALLY JUST IN, THIS IS WHY I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU NOT TO RUSH IN BUT YOU DID ANYWAYS BIG FUCKING SURPRISE GOD DOES THIS DESOLATE WHEAT FIELD HAVE A BAR.

And of course, instead of being like “hey sorry about that, Obes,” Anakin just says:

So it’s hard to tell since this episode’s only partially done, but evidently we’re supposed to see a bunch of tracks leading in every which way where the Amani scattered off. The question now, is which track do they follow?

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Footprint Analyst

Obi-Wan hones in on one particular set of tracks, and announces:

Uh, OK? Or it could just be someone who has a really heavy step? Sure, we’ll just jump to this conclusion, Obi-Wan.

And furthermore, Obi-Wan declares that if they follow these tracks, they’ll be led to that Sugi arms dealer they’re looking for. Wow, this is…a lot of assumptions to make. I mean, I trust you, Kenobes, obviously. I would trust you with my life. I DO trust you with my life. But I’m just kinda surprised that you’re able to get all this from a single trail of footprints. (I guess I shouldn’t be. This dude’s been doing that since Episode 4.)

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Great Big Pain in the Ass

…because SOME Chosen One went and got their animal friends killed by rushing in here after being specifically told NOT TO DO THAT. AHEM.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Expedition Leader

So the boys run through a bunch of tall grasses, following the tracks the Amani left behind. Obi-Wan crouches down: he can tell that the one they’re tracking slowed to a walk here (did Obi-Wan excel at whatever the Jedi equivalent of the Boy Scouts was? I mean I guess we can attribute this to Force-usage or just his general military training, but still: THIS GUY KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING.) Once again, of course, this leads him to draw another conclusion:

…sure. You just know eeeeeeeeeeverything, huh Kenobi?

Awk-ward

After Obi-Wan makes this announcement, Anakin, sidling up beside him, confidently proclaims that he’s going to contact Ahsoka to see if she…ooooooh. Riiiiiight. The whole Unsuccessfully Prosecuted for Murder (LARGELY BY TARKIN AS A MEANS TO ADVANCE SHEEV’S AGENDA, JUST AS A FRIENDLY REMINDER) And Then First Being Kicked Out, Then Voluntarily Leaving The Jedi Order Thing. Yeesh.Obi-Wan gives Anakin a Look as Anakin stops himself mid-sentence, then after a beat, prods him gently by saying his name. Anakin continues to avoid eye contact, sighing:

Oh, that’s cool, Star Wars. Sure. I mean this would be emotionally devastating if I cared about these two or Ahsoka but fortunately that’s not OH GOD EVERYTHING HURTS.

Yet Another Exhibit For My Court Case

“Duh!” you’re saying. “Obviously we all knew that! And the REAL tragedy is that nobody ever at any point tried to help him or ask him if he wanted to discuss his feelings about anything.” I’m not even going to begin to exhaust my Rant Potential here, but I’ll start by leaving this here:

Oh, Anakin. His story is really, really sad. All these barely-missed chances just break my heart, especially when it’s PADME or fricking OBI-WAN who’s trying to get Anakin to open up. Skywalker: he’s handing you this chance on a silver platter! I know you’re mad at him about the whole Ahsoka thing but TALK TO YOUR BUDDY, HE LOVES YOU AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU HANDSOME IDIOT. AND PLEASE RECALL THAT THE AHSOKA THING WAS NOT ACTUALLY OBI-WAN’S FAULT IT WAS PRIMARILY TARKIN AND SHEEV BACKING EVERYONE INTO A CORNER AND ALSO BY THE WAY IF YOU DON’T GET ALL THE THINGS OUT THERE YOU’RE GOING TO END UP WITH THOSE TWO CREEPS FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DECADES BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY DUMB AND I AM VERY UPSET WITH YOU AND ALSO MY CAPS LOCK IS STUCK.

SIGH.

…Obi-Wan seems chastened by Anakin’s immediately refusal of Bonding here, and thus quickly changes the subject: should they set up camp for the night? Maybe make some s’mores, Obes’ll get out his banjo and they can sing some campfire songs before making friendship bracelets and then sharing a sleeping bag? (Note: I may have taken liberties with the content of Obi-Wan’s lines here.)

Anakin, totally unenthusiastic, huffs:

OH MY GOD. Come on, boys. HUG OR SOMETHING, PLEASE.

Recurring Theme: Depressing Camping Trip

Fortunately the evening rounds out with Team Handsome chatting amiably and taking couple selfies together, and then they hash out all their hopes and fears and pledge their eternal love for each other.

Oh! I’m sorry, I was reading from the “this is what should have happened except that Star Wars hates us all” edition of the script. Instead, they sit around a fire while Anakin stares off into space being Wistful and Also Angsty. Finally, Obi-Wan kindly says:

Anakin snaps:

No, not really, thanks!

…aaaand then he really gets ranting: he can’t believe she left the Order! She’s a Jedi! She belongs here with her dads!

Obi-Wan, quietly, reminds Anakin that Ahsoka chose to leave:

Ooooh and Anakin is like YEAH FUCK THAT NOISE, KENOBI: we didn’t give her a choice!!

Look, I admire Anakin’s loyalty to Ahsoka and GOD KNOWS I love the hell out of Ahsoka TOO, but SHE WAS FAIRLY EXPERTLY SET UP BY ANCIENT EVIL. She was basically caught with the murder weapon! Anakin, I beg you: please re-watch that arc, but this time please be 10,000 times harder on Tarkin and Sheev because they both fucking suck, and 10,000 times easier on everyone else, including yourself.

Of course, the fact that Anakin explicitly calls out the Council, of which Obi-Wan is PART, makes Obi-Wan hang his head in sadness. PLEASE RECALL HOW FORLORN OBI-WAN WAS IN THE SEASON 5 AHSOKA ARC. AND HE REALLY DID TRY, SKYWALKER:

Obi-Wan softly replies that he’ll grant Anakin that they made mistakes, but the fact remains that she was given the chance to return, and chose not to. Oh, and by the way: being a Jedi means not letting your better judgement be tainted by your insane, hotheaded emotions, ANAKIN. He continues…

Anakin says nothing, and eventually Obi-Wan tells him to get some rest. In reply, Anakin quite Vaderishly replies that he’s not tired:

…yeesh, given the menacing way Anakin delivered this line, I’d be sleeping with one eye open, Kenobes. He seems pretty pissed off.

Ghosts of Star Wars Future: Failed Apprentice Edition

Obi-Wan agrees that he’ll be the first to get some sleep, then, and lays down on the ground. After just a moment, though, now that he’s facing away from Anakin and doesn’t have to make eye contact anymore he decides that we’re SO not done heaping on the Feelings here. He cautiously tells Anakin that he shouldn’t take responsibility for Ahsoka’s decision. LOL forever that THIS GUY is lecturing ANYBODY about not feeling responsible for something their student did.

Anakin pauses and then drops THIS little gem:

HA HA HA I’M FINE WE’RE HAVING A BALL

Sooo…I’m pretty sure this isn’t coming from the fact that Ahsoka is actually a disappointment to Anakin, given that he probably has all her school photos in his wallet right now. What’s wrong, Skywalker? You thinking about how you’re already not exactly a paragon of Jedi Virtues?

Obi-Wan retorts: that wouldn’t be the same, Anakin, and Anakin’s like YEAH IT IS!

FUN TIMES FUN TIMES WE’RE HAVING FUN TIMES

Recurring Theme: Oh Why Star Wars

Anakin presents Obi-Wan with a question:

THANKS ANAKIN

OH MY GOD.

Obi-Wan, still staring straight ahead as he lays on the ground, says softly:

Ohhhhhkay boys, I am going to have to INSIST that you stop doing this to me. Forever. WHY. I HAVE DONE NOTHING IN MY LIFE TO DESERVE THIS. I am but a humble recapper who just wanted to make some stupid jokes about Star Wars I DIDN’T ASK TO BE TREATED THIS WAY.

Do….do you think Obi-Wan thought about this conversation over and over and over again for YEARS after this? WHY WOULD I EVEN ASK THIS WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER GOD I AM SO UPSET RIGHT NOW I’VE LOST THE WILL TO WRITE THIS. You all go on without me. Tell everyone I went down fighting and cursing Dave Filoni’s name.

OK OK: I’m gonna try and rally here, because at last this scene mercifully stops torturing me, and Anakin stares meaningfully out into the night as Obi-Wan sleeps.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Asleep on the Job

Oh what a surprise: we cut to the next morning, and BOTH boys are asleep. Way to be the night watchman, Anakin! And this time you can’t even pretend you were drugged.

They get surrounded by Bad Guys, and as Obi-Wan is lifted into the air he “Anakin!“s loudly, and hilariously his yelling does not succeed in fully rousing Anakin, who waves his arm away like he’s trying to mind-trick someone, and murmurs:

Behold: the catlike reflexes and hypervigilence of the Chosen One, ladies and gentlemen!

Obi-Wan reminds him:

…well, I guess now we know how he’d feel if Anakin turned into a disappointment, huh? Anakin then incredibly tries to explain that he thought that falling asleep would be an effective way to draw in the enemy. A+ lying, Skywalker. As usual. You’re lucky you’re cute.

Are you seriously buying this Kenobes?

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, In Need of Sedation

Soooo the boys get carted away and Anakin is like HA well this’ll work out GREAT I bet they’ll take us right to their leader y’know what I mean Obi-Wan? Everything’s gonna work out just fine just like it always does in Star Wars!

This is then followed by Weapons-Grade Sarcasm from both sides of the Kenobi-Skywalker marriage as Anakin observes that Obi-Wan seems well-rested at least, and Obi-Wan notes that OH GOOD: he’ll make a pleasant hostage, then. These two. I swear to GOD.

As they’re led to wherever these guys are taking them, Anakin asks Obi-Wan if their captors can understand what the boys are saying. Obi-Wan says he doubts the “primitive” ones can, but the guys in the back he’s less sure of. Anakin’s brilliant plan is to loudly be like HELLO ALIEN PERSON MY HUSBAND AND I WERE JUST DISCUSSING OUR ESCAPE PLAN:

Since the alien in question has no reaction, Anakin somewhat assholishly proclaims them also “primitive” and ONCE AGAIN is like LET’S JUST KILL THEM OBI-WAN, and Obi-Wan FOR LIKE THE 12TH TIME IN THIS ARC IS LIKE WOULD YOU JUST STOP TRYING TO MURDER EVERYTHING ANAKIN OH MY GOD.

Anakin protests: he CAN’T stay calm, because he has never ever done that in his entire life! Also this guy is pointing a blaster at his head and and and:

Every caption I could write for this would be Wrong.

Recurring Theme: OK, There May Have Been a Couple Red Flags

Obi-Wan sighs: make like Elsa and Let It Go, Anakin. The guy in the front keeps messing with Anakin’s lightsaber, and Anakin initially warns him that he’s going to hurt himself as the dude points the thing right at his own face. Then, as a wave of Dark Side rolls through, Anakin is like “nooo, don’t, uh, push that button…” as he gently uses the Force to activate the button himself. Whoa!

So yes, the guy then impales his own head on Anakin’s blade as Obi-Wan looks on with dismay (and also looks like he has no arms at the moment):

Recurring Theme: Ladies and Gentlemen, Darth Vader

There’s a momentary pause as the alien abductor drops to the ground, and Anakin, sounding not even the TINIEST BIT sorry, says:

Aaaaand once again, Anakin having murdered someone who maybe didn’t exactly NEED to be murdered, Obi-Wan chides him by long-sufferingly inquiring as to whether or not that was really necessary.

Recurring Theme: Kenobi-Skywalker Cover Story

In the immediate aftermath of this dude’s demise, one of the group leaders rushes up to the boys and demands to know what two Jedi are doing here. Obi-Wan gets things off on the right foot here, being a dick: Anakin, an idiot, starts to explain that they’re here looking into the death of a Jedi, when Obi-Wan is like A-HEM and stomps on Anakin’s foot to shut him up. LOL.

Obi-Wan, sounding like he is CLEARLY making this up on the fly, is like:

He’s rebuffed: they don’t have any weapons here! Obi-Wan, smirkily, is like oh WELL THEN, Anakin, we’ll have to go back home and tell eeeeeevvvvveryone that their reputation as one of the Galaxy’s Greatest Arms Dealers is incorrect, yes?

This doesn’t go over well, in that they’re then informed that they won’t be going home: they’re going to be dead instead. Anakin finally employs something that is halfway clever and is like oh really: you guys wanna pretend you don’t have weapons?

Obi-Wan joins in: yes! Everybody knows! And you know what? We want in, too! We’ll have whatever Grievous is having! And we will pay Top Dollar for it!

The guy pauses: um, OK, well, I have to talk to my manager first. Let’s go! The boys smirk stupidly at each other:

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Flip-Flopper

They arrive at the base or whatever this is, and Anakin starts to get cold feet but mainly because he’s just (still) ready to kill things: he’s like “oh sure, I know I said I wanted to be captured but maybe we should just cause a scene right now instead”. Obi-Wan replies:

…wait. So are we supposed to believe that Anakin actually did convince him that falling asleep and getting captured was AN ACTUAL PLAN? LOL. Oh my God, Kenobes, you are more of a fool for this man than literally everyone in the entire universe.

Anakin’s like but but but but you KNOW I usually just want to kick someone’s ass, right?! Obi-Wan is like “just let me negotiate, God, that’s like, my thing? I have all that custom stationary that says so and everything?”

…and it’s amazing how much someone can hide from you when they DON’T talk, Kenobi. But really, I’m getting ahead of myself here and I wouldn’t want to spoil the next part of the saga for you. (Sorry.)

Anyways, they spend a LOT of time here just critiquing each other’s methods and accusing the other of not telling them enough of their own plans and just…whatever. I have juuuuuust about hit my limit for Obikin Bitchery in this episode. And as we all well know, my limit is abnormally high.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Wrong About Someone

Anakin sniffs: where do you think their captors wandered off to, anyways? Obi-Wan speculates that they’ve at last gone to get this gigantic warrior he assumes is in charge. Naturally, the guy shows up two seconds later and is a shrimp, and Anakin is loving this.

Obi-Wan introduces Team Handsome, and asks for this mystery person’s name. They retort that their name is not important, and Mr. Best Negotiator In The Universe stammers all over himself:

Oh, They’re Interested All Right

The guy waves him off:

Oh ho! A crystal, you say? WHATEVER COULD WE USE SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR I WONDER. Well, good thing nothing will ever come of this!

Anakin, stupidly, is so thrown by this that he reflexively spits out: crystal?!, forgetting his OWN COVER STORY about how they already KNOW WHAT THE WEAPON IS. LOL. Obi-Wan physically cuts in front of him to be like YUP THE CRYSTAL THAT’S WHAT WE WANT OF COURSE HA HA HA NATURALLY THAT’S WHAT WE’RE HERE FOR PLEASE IGNORE MY BOYFRIEND HE IS VERY DUMB AS WE ESTABLISHED EARLIER.

Anakin finally gets the picture and WAY overacts into his “Ohhhhh, you said CRYSTAL”:

Obi-Wan replies: WHY YES THE CRYSTAL REMEMBER HOW WE REPEATEDLY TALKED ABOUT BUYING THE CRYSTAL THAT WE DEFINITELY KNEW ABOUT BEFORE THIS, HONEY?

Unlimited Power Is Out Of Stock

Because everyone in the galaxy is kind of stupid, this guy does not see through their obvious lies here and asks if they’re the only Jedi here, which they confirm. Then the guy tsk tsks: they’ve put him in a bit of a bind, you see!

Obi-Wan’s like pffft: no sweat! Whatever Greevs is paying you, we’ll double it! The guy asks to see some cash, and Anakin replies:

Warning: Plot Point Approaching

The guy is like “sure, sure, OK — let’s go see the Crystal”. As they walk over, Anakin leans over to Obi-Wan and asks what the hell kind of a crystal this could be?

Ah ha! WHO SAW THAT COMING? Anakin hilariously replies to this with “…it is the fundamental element in the lightsaber…”, like, way to always be bringing us that Very Natural Dialogue, Star Wars. AS IF ANAKIN WOULD NEED TO SAY THIS TO OBI-WAN. The Jedi literally build their weapons with their own two hands, and in the case of these two dorks, they’ve done this MULTIPLE TIMES APIECE. Star Wars should have just owned this clunky exposition and made Anakin look directly at the audience here, perhaps with a link to Wookieepedia displayed at the bottom of the screen.

Complained about how far he has to walk despite being a grown-ass superhero

Asked “are we there yet?” like he’s a four-year-old on a car trip

…THAT’S JUST IN THIS ONE EPISODE. That doesn’t even include last episode’s “I touched the thing you just told me not to touch”, or, you know, Anakin’s entire life prior to this, for example. I hope wherever their ghosts are now, Anakin is seeing to it that Obi-Wan is living like a goddamn prince. HE OWES HIM SO MUCH.

Anakin clarifies: he’s not tired of walking, just tired of being a prisoner (get used to it, Skywalker. You’re welcome.) THEN he proceeds to bitch sarcastically about how boring this planet is.

I hope he was exactly this obnoxious as Vader, and drove Sheev absolutely fucking insane.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Not As Funny As He Thinks He Is

The best part is that Anakin JUST KEEPS GOING, while Obi-Wan is like “OK, ha ha, please stop”. Observe:

Eventually Obi-Wan interrupts Anakin’s truly annoying rambling to partially recycle some dialogue from the future for us:

DUN DUN DUUUUUN! Yes, indeed, it’s a spaceship, and the boys? Are getting brought on board.

Recurring Theme: Evil Overlord Holo-Skype

The Little Evil Guy gets on the horn with Count Dooku, and he informs him that they’ve captured two Jedi! And, uh:

Dooku, who is UNDOUBTEDLY already thinking in the back of his mind GEE I CAN’T FATHOM WHICH TWO PAIN IN THE ASS GRANDSONS OF MINE IT MIGHT BE, tells them to kill them, marking like the 43rd time this galactic standard year that Dooku has tried to kill Team Handsome or otherwise called for their demise.

The guy hedges: well, they sort of DID offer me twice what you’re paying, so…eh? You see my point here, friend?

Dooku is like NEWP, and when the guy tries to push back with the fact that disposing of two handsome corpses might require additional compensation, he is still unmoved: kill them, and then…

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Punch-Thrower

The boys are about to be thrown in a jail cell, when they both finally decide they’ve had enough and fight their way out of there with ease:

Anakin announces that he’s not leaving without his lightsaber, possibly because someone spent an inordinate amount of time yelling at him about not losing it once upon a time, as they become surrounded.

Recurring Theme: They’ve Gone Up The Ventilation Shaft

Naturally this means that they have to ONCE AGAIN escape to the vents, because this is Star Wars and we’d gone maybe 45 whole minutes without someone doing so.

They crawl through, dodging blaster fire, and at one point Obi-Wan adorably Force-pushes Anakin all the way through the tunnel, landing him at the end in a heap…

…and then Anakin Force-pulls him over to him, and it is at this moment that Your Author inadvertently pulled one of THEEEEE most awkward screencaps of these guys ever, and please know that I have grabbed some REAL gems in my day:

You’re welcome, everyone. I live to serve.

They fall into a pile and Obi-Wan IMMEDIATELY is like OH MY GOD BRILLIANT PLAN ANAKIN THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER, WE’RE SO CONFINED IN HERE WE’LL BE SHOT FOR SURE, and Anakin just bitches right back with an actual “SOR-RY”. COULD YOU TWO PLEASE SPARE US FOR EVEN FIVE MINUTES?

Obi-Wan whines that the vent is “never a good place to hide”, and then pretty much winks at me by complaining that they’re ALWAYS in the vents, every ship they visit, and like…at least someone is finally showing SOME awareness in this series?

Anakin Skywalker, Packing Heat

They find a spot to drop out of the vent, and land in an armory room of some sort, and Anakin is like OH YES BE STILL MY MASS-MURDERING HEART as he drools over several different blasters available. He settles on two of them, and makes this weirdly drunk face about it:

Then he strikes a pose, and asks Obi-Wan: what do you think?

Why. Why is this show like this.

Recurring Theme: So Uncivilized

Would y’all like to guess what Obi-Wan thinks of blasters?

REALLY THAT’S SO WEIRD BECAUSE YOU NEVER MENTION THAT YOU FEEL THIS WAY

Anakin kicks one over and tells Kenobes to stop being stubborn and pick up a damn gun. And OBI-WAN — OK, so, some of this is because of the unfinished animation, but HIS FACE as he stares down at the blaster is priceless. He looks like he thinks it’s going to get its blaster cooties on him GET IT AWAY.

…well, thank goodness you’re not being sanctimonious about this or anything, my dear Jedi.

Bad guys arrive at the door, and the boys decide to set off some smoke bombs and Anakin at last gets to do what he’s been dying to do since this arc started:

He proceeds to just…waste these guys, and the animation looks like a comic book:

He just keeps going all PEW PEW PEW and eventually Obi-Wan tells the World’s Biggest Lie:

Uh huh, sure. No one. Not you, of course no never.

And a lie it is, since a bad dude comes rounding the corner and is like oooooh THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE, Jedi — but without your lightsabers you are nothing I say! NOTHING!

Anakin takes this as an invitation to once again remotely active the lightsabers in question, and kills the guy from a distance…

…before yanking the sabers back into his hands. Wow.

And oh hey! Guess what? EVEN OBI-WAN IS WILLING TO ADMIT THAT WAS PRETTY SWEET:

Love Has Blinded You

This episode’s Chase Sequence begins as the Sugi arms dealer makes a break for it:

Initially they try to face off with the Team, but since they are total badasses…

Anakin goes charging off towards the guy, leading Obi-Wan to yell this out:

So, Kenobi, let me just ask: exactly HOW MANY TIMES do you need to warn Anakin not to kill someone THIS WEEK before we’re ready to acknowledge that ANAKIN MIGHT HAVE A FEW PROBLEMS THAT ARE VERY CONCERNING? (Also I love how it looks like Anakin has impaled a beach ball with his lightsaber here.)

The arms dealer makes his escape from the ship, and Obi-Wan is watching him flee when Anakin is like “UH MASTER I THINK YOU PROBABLY NEED TO LOOK AT THIS WHAT IS THIS THING AND NO I DON’T MEAN THE TERRIFYING GAP IN MY NECK”:

Anakin’s like “so what the hell do you think Grievous wants with this thing?” Grievous, or Dooku, Obi-Wan notes — and he doesn’t know what they could possibly want with it. But one thing’s for sure: whatever it is…

WHAT COULD IT BE YOU GUYS?! At any rate, surely the thing they want this crystal for will be a truly once-in-an-eternity kind of weapon that will never be imitated or duplicated in this galaxy HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CRACK MYSELF UP.

Obi-Wan says it’s time to shove off, and Anakin’s like “…without the crystal?” Oh, not to worry General Skywalker — they’re taking the crystal…

The boys get moving, and the iris wipe is on hand to courteously see us on our way — because that’s the end of this installment of Anakin and Obi-Wan’s Foreshadowing Extravaganza! Will the boys safely cart this thing back home? Will they still be bitching incessantly at each other by the time they get home, or will they have spared us all and just made out already by then? Will Anakin prevent this massive crystal from being weaponized, or will he, say, end up standing by while it helps blow up the only home his daughter has ever known and all the people she loves most? That would be horrible, so it definitely won’t go down like that. Star Wars isn’t into that sort of thing. Obviously. I’ll see you later, readers! Thanks for joining me!