Monday, January 31, 2011

But laughter does not always equal a good movie and this movie is sooo bad in so many ways I wanted somebody to punch me in the face and tell me to stop watching.

Yes this movie stars Tori Black and yes she's a porn star who plays a prostitute in a werewolf movie.

But somehow you think there would be hope in this outrageous premise. I'll get to see Tori Black naked and I'll see a werewolf and I'll see more titties. But immediately after I saw this I searched for Ms. Black's other "movies". Here Ms Black is actually *gasp* "acting" and "acting" and then shows us some boobies and then does more "acting". OMG I think this is the most acting she's done if you added her entire pornography.

Suffice it to say, director Jason Toler makes a mockery of a production. You could hear coughing in the backround, really bad editing and the performances by Tori Black and the wolf guy in the flick seemed to not even be performed together (all somehow compiled seamlessly in post). Add in a ridiculous bad wolf special effects and you've gotten one shitty flick.

I think Tori Black's porn flicks are probably better than Half Moon (you know if I'd seen them and all :-P)Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rose is a down-on-her-luck prostitute who's short on cash. When she hears of a mysterious client named Jacob who pays a large sum of money for one night in a hotel, she goes against her better judgement and takes the assignment. At the hotel, Jacob proves to be a stranger client: he's willing to pay up front, and more intrested in honest conversation than anything else. Then, just as Rose begins to feel at ease, she learns that her latest trick is about to undergo a transformation by the light of the full moon - and she's about to find herself trapped in close quarters with a terrifying monster.

This taunt and clever supernatural horror film breaks genre conventions by building realistic characters and erotic tension as it cranks up the suspense. Featuring Tori Black in a breakout role as Rose, Half Moon will sink its fangs into you and not let you go till its bloody, hair-raising climax.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Hell if you're actually looking for a real review, you best just Google Tori and watch her bone some dude. We're going with a running log of my thoughts as I watched the flick instead. So we're going with a tally. As I watched I counted the number of times I saw boobs, the moon or an actual werewolf on screen. Now onto the review.

OMG we're 2 minutes in and I saw boobs.

Boobs: 1Moon: 0Wolf: 0

Tori Black is part of a trio of whores who works for a pimp. She's "acting" all gangsterish and shit. Remember folks, boob counts are counted on the number of unique naked boobs I see on screen. The 2 other hookers boobs count as 2 unique boobages.

Boobs: 3Moon: 0Wolf: 0

We got our first moon shot! Seems Toler likes us to think a full moon is going to amp up the tension as we countdown to Werewolf-palooza 2011! How many people think we'll see more shots of the Moon than boobs? You're going to be surprised.

Boobs: 3Moon: 1Wolf: 0

TB meets up with Jacob (how fuckin original) at a hotel where they talk about Tom and Jerry, baseball and Pete Rose!?!? TB is acting her brains out. But she isn't fucking. Why isn't she getting all grunty? But guess what? We get another moon shot!

Boobs: 3Moon: 2Wolf: 0

Wow they're still talking. I clearly should FF but I think I'll miss some plot (hahahaha I made a unfunny joke). OMG Tori Black is giving Jacob a lapdance! We're going to see some boobs! Wait....what the fuck is that? That's not the globes I'm looking for. Fuck you! Another moon shot?!??!? Are you fuckin serious?

Boobs: 3Moon: 3Wolf: 0

Wolf dude tells TB about his life and he is lonely. Score! TB falls for it and they get into the lovemaking. It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy.

Boobs: 4Moon: 3Wolf: 0

TB finds a "kidnapper's kit" in the bathroom and goes into panic mode. She calls her big daddy pimp and they tie up wolf boy. Pimp slaps TB around like he's Charlie Sheen. Later, they get into more talking. For the love of porn, somehow you'd think getting her ass kicked would lead to more sex. But Jake here is getting angsty because he's slowly turning into a dog. You know what that means! Moon shot!

Boobs: 4Moon: 4Wolf: 0

Eariler in the movie TB was proud to be a whore and respects her pimp for "teaching her the game". But now she gives a sob story about how she hates the johns who abuse her and hates her pimp. Remember fellow jaded viewers, this long badly acted monologue is coming from a pornstar who gets double penetrated for a living. Oh yeah, no boobs, no moon. But I smell some wolf coming soon!

Boobs: 4Moon: 4Wolf: 0

Jake who tried to warn TB of his wolfy disease goes all full frontal wolfage and slaughters the pimp. The special effects in Half Moon make SyFy's effects look like Avatar. But guess what happens to TB...you guessed it! She gets bitten. She's now a She-Wolf of Los Angeles. Pretty much the hottest wolf whore on the strip.

Boobs: 4Moon: 4Wolf: 1

Wait...what's this thing at the end of the movie?!??! Yup the fuckin moon.

Boobs: 4Moon: 5Wolf: 1

There you have it, the final tally. We see more shots of the moon than you do boobs. The wolf was so hilarious, you could buy the costume at a 99 cents store. Half Moon is a film that a porn director would make as a side project. And it's not even that its fully crappy, it's that it's so boring. The entire film is full of useless conversation by wolf guy (who has a E. Euro accent) and Tori Black in a hotel room. That's it. I was slowly injecting myself with 5 hour energy drink to stay awake.

Half Moon will put you half asleep. But at the end of the day, what you really WANT to see is Tori Black "acting" her best with lines like "Yes! Yes! Faster! Faster!" and "Yeah put it in my face", well you know where to look. As much as Tori wants to be the next Sasha Grey or Jesse Jane, it ain't gonna happen with this performance.

Of course I don't know who those other pornstars are. You know because I don't watch that stuff. ;-)

Gore-ipedia

Sliced ArmWolf bite

Nude-ipedia

Tori Black does get naked...shocker right?

WTF moment

She actually contradicts herself in the same monologue

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I would actually watch all 3 parts of Twilight than see this film again. The film will be released via Breaking Glass Pictures on their Vicious Circle Films label on February 8th.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Ho Hum. It's another slasher flick with a movie in a movie gimmick. Right off the tranny heels of Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, Israel Luna brings us another homage of sorts with Fright Flick. This slasher flick seems to be Luna's take on those campy and cartooney 80s slasher flicks of old.

I'm all for keeping it old school and seeing a few blood splattered walls and neck trauma but Fright Flick is so generic and assembly line produced I'd rather watch a rom com.

The movie relishes in playing out a horror movie within a horror movie set. Cast of characters include our gay as hell director and make up artist, greedy producer, eager script writers, line producers, PAs and big breasted actresses. Soon a mysterious killer is slicing and dicing our cast and crew until our back to scenes guy gathers the clues to find out who's been naughty.

I'm not sure where Luna wanted to go here (he wrote and directed). With Trannies, the exploitation gimmick with a twist made an ordinary grindhouse flick feel new and inventive. But here, the horror movie production that's real twist has been used in so many ways, you might as well just go 360 and make the horror movie the actual horror movie within the film.

Fright Flick is campy and corny and jokey...like Jokey Smurf. Sure the explosion in a gift gag is funny the first 3 times but after a while you want Gargamel to eat that motherfucker. We carefully encounter a reveal which can be easily figured out using your standard Sherlock Holmes detective manual.

The gore is pretty standard as is the nudity. I mean big boobies on girls that look like 6's at best kinda sucks. The ending goes as far as copying shot for shot the ending of an infamous slasher flick of the 80s. With all this, the movie falls flat like the survivor girl's chest.

Luna has the talent to push the edges of indie horror in a refreshing way but Fright Flick is like his Mallrats. Sometimes your going to make a movie that just plain sucks. It's good to get it out of the way now.

Gore-ipedia

Slice and Dice

Nude-ipedia

Boobies all around by at best 6's

WTF moment

That shot for shot ending from that movie with the psycho mom

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Fright Flick will be released on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures from their Vicious Circle Films label. It's now available on DVD as of Jan 25th.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

There is a little subtext in the marketing campaign for The Roommate. Oh you didn't know? Well I'm a decoding master blaster and I'm going to break this subliminal marketing wide fuckin open. By now you've probably seen the trailer. You know it stars Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly. Seems Ms. Meester is on some fancy schmancy show on the CW....Gossip something. Minka Kelly however I DO know. As Mrs. Derek Jeter, she's like baseball wife #1.

Sure its a blatant ripoff of the vintage 90s Single White Female, but could this film be hiding something more?

Let's start off with the tagline:

"2,000 colleges. 8 million roommates. Which one will you get?"

the jaded viewer says: This statement is purely racist. What? Can't see it? What they're actually saying is if you don't get someone that doesn't look like you, they are completely fuckin crazy. Man your screwed if you get a brotha from South Central or a Latina from the Bronx. Thanks Hollywood for the advice.

Now on to GENERIC STILL PHOTO #1

the jaded viewer says: See our crazy white girl is Rebecca and she goes off our medication. What this is really saying is all white people have to be fearful of getting addicted to meth. Because the movie is saying if you start becoming a meth addict you can go from fun loving, beautiful normal white girl to a obsessive compulsive angry insane meth tweaker.

GENERIC STILL PHOTO #2

the jaded viewer says: Now where does the path of a meth addict lead to? Lesbianism of course. Seriously Hollywood? Your not so subtle subtext isn't so subtle. See college is a breeding ground for girl on girl action. Women meth addicts: all lesbians according to a recent poll.

GENERIC STILL PHOTO #3

the jaded viewer says: So where do meth heads get their fix? The streets of course. Remember when white people go to the projects, it's just to score some drugs. Of course this is a momentous occasion which one has to take a photo of. As a meth whore, it's Rebecca's duty to get her new roommate addicted as well. Who wants to get fucked up alone right? I mean look at that graffiti. It screams "we're in the fucked up dangerous part of town, there might be gangstas here".

GENERIC STILL PHOTO #4

the jaded viewer says: Look at that product placement. VAIO. Damn you Sony. The Roommate is going to be filled with more product placements than a Michael Bay film. Just you watch it. From Mountain Dew to KFC to American made cars, you'll be bombarded by 18-34 year old teen targeted ads. Sure this is all normal to you all because you can't even filter through the static. But after you see The Roommate, you're going to head to a Chilis because Rebecca and Sara went to a Chilis. Their in your head!

MOVIE TRAILER STILL PHOTO #5

the jaded viewer says: OK this isn't a production still but a shot from the trailer. Of course you can't use the privacy breaking, biggest social media network by name. So you make your own! Frienderz! Oh how I love fake websites in movies.

But of course this is slickly intertwined to get you to Facebook a little more. Open up your "likes" to the world. To slowly get you into the habit of divulging more info out into the Internet. Because if Facebook asked you, I think you'd post your social security number and mother's maiden name in your status right?

********************************************

Well now you're prepared to see the hidden meaning in The Roommate. What else can you "see" from the trailer? You tell me. Check it out below and let me know if you figure out what's the what behind the hot girls, glitzy lights, popular soundtrack and generic quick editing.

Also, The Roommate has got an interesting college marketing plan as they've been posting flyers with this phone number on it:

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

[this feature is brought to you by guest writer Camiele White, and no she's not an intern. The Jaded Viewer is to poor to have interns.]

Psychological Mastermind: Takashi Miike

Who would ever imagine that there could be beauty in the mind of a psychopath? If there is such a thing, it’s most certainly found in the imagination of Takashi Miike. He has the eye of a painter with the mind of a serial killer --bloody guts and gore with an uncanny bit of grace.

Coming from a working class area in Yao, Osaka, Japan, Miike had a very normal upbringing. His father was a welder and his mother, a seamstress. He graduated from the Yokohama Vocational School of Broadcast and Film, under the tutelage of one of the most celebrated directors in Japan, Shōhei Imamura. With technical knowledge and an eye on the boundaries of the film industry, Miike shook up the world with some of the most shocking, lurid, creepy, and over the top work to come out of Japan.

Though he’s never been one to toot his own horn, it’s plain to see that Miike is an artist of gore and black comedy. Though his work takes a particular taste, you can’t deny that his work leaves the world in awe at every single turn. At his most shocking, he doesn’t allow you to settle. The nerves are always dangling by fingernails on the edge of the proverbial cliff and just when you think he’s going to step on your fingers and watch you fall to the rocks below in a lump of blood and brain matter, he reaches out his hand and pulls you back just long enough for you to take a few gulps of clean air before being shoved right back over.

Some of the most beautiful films to come out of the early 2000s seemed to come from the chainsaw of Miike. Well, I suppose I’m biased. The first taste I got of Miike was from his infamous film, Audition. One of those films worthy of cult status. I think the first time I actually watched the film I couldn’t believe how disgustingly gorgeous it was. Miike knows just what to expose to get you involved in the film. And just when you’ve found yourself caring about the characters in a way that’s too close for comfort, he slaps you in the face. No, fuck that! He straight up molly-wops you in the skull! It’s the kind of film that could catch you so off guard that it keeps you awake at night for months afterwards --maybe not out of fear; more out of a constant throbbing feeling of unease that just when you think everything’s beautiful, something’s going to sneak up behind you and kick you in the arse.

I think that’s what’s so brilliant about the psychotic brain matter of Takashi Miike. Yes, he’s all about the blood and gratuitous sexual perversity. However, for someone who delves deep into the human flesh, he sure knows how to make it gorgeous! I think the most touching aspect of Miike’s style is that he has the eye of a photographer and the hand of a gifted painter --he sees the beauty, but doesn’t force it. It may seem like he squeezes ever drop of weirdness possible out of every scene, but he has an exceptional eye for sensitivity. There’s a reason why Audition has been described as a “romantic horror”. That’s the kind of contradiction that Miike works with --perhaps romance and horror aren’t so different?

In Ichi the Killer, you’re not simply dealing with a killing machine whose only real goal is to destroy the ruthless Kuchisaki-oona faced Yakuza maniac, Kakihara. It’s the story of an orphan named Ichi who’s been brainwashed from childhood with the idea that he’s nothing without his natural urge to kill. There’s a depth and a care taken with each character. That’s the brilliance of Miike --the audience gets so close to each character (even those who seem to be the most gruesome) that at you can’t help but get involved in their stories. And at the crucial moment of intimacy between the audience and the characters, there’s a feeling like being pushed in front of an oncoming diesel train. Scenes of complex emotional thickness between Ichi and anyone he encounters are followed by unethically violent scenes of torture and violence (the slitting of a woman’s nipples, a man’s face cut clean from his skull and splattered across a blood-soaked wall).

It’s this push and pull that is indicative of the range and imagination to make some of the most entertaining children’s films (Zebraman and The Great Yokai War) and the most touching and intellectually complex films (Sabu and The Bird People in China). Miike’s desire to delve deeper than what the mind initially wants to tackle is what sets him apart in the film industry among an elite few that manage to teach as well as repulse. He pushes the boundaries of violence, sexuality, and intellect to a pulsating breaking point.I don’t think I’ve ever been so repulsed and so educate about raw and unapologetic beauty than with Miike. He’s a master that is, surprisingly, underrated in the film industry. Those close to film tout him as a genius. Those just meeting him for the first time are driven crazy to the point of murder. Whichever side of the saucer you spill, there’s no way that you can avoid being affected by the psychological mastermind that is Takashi Miike.

There is pure beauty in everything. I have a keen interest in all things that shed light and colour in this dark and, at times, uninspiring world. I love film, all film --ranging from Japanese and Korean horror, to nonsensical action films. The one qualification is that it must, must entertain me. As much as I love watching film, I love even more to write about it.

Right now, I get my jabberjaw jollies writing about Halloween costumes. If you want to give me a buzz, I can be reached at cmlewhite at gmail [dot] com.

Monday, January 24, 2011

For me, Ryan Nicholson has been hit or miss. I thought Gutterballs was viciously wicked while Hanger was too nasty in my opinion. But the one thing you can count on is his films will leave a lasting impact.

Don is a chauffeur and a movie buff who takes his job seriously — very seriously. When his latest assignment takes him to the set of a low-budget horror film, he’s overjoyed to learn he’ll be driving Riversa Red – his favorite B-movie “Scream Queen.” While escorting his beloved idol, Don assumes the role of bodyguard and turns fiercely protective, especially after learning that Riversa has a stalker. Hell-bent on protecting his queen and fueled by paranoid fantasies, Don’s usual temper tantrums go to fatal extremes. Soon he proves to be not only Riversa’s biggest fan, but her worst nightmare as well.

So with one hit and one miss, Bleading Lady is going to be a tiebreaker. From the trailer, it looks appetizing yummy with gore and nudity. But those elements can't save a movie if you don't have a solid hook. We'll see what this one brings.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I haven't had a contest in a while and I really never had anything good to giveaway. But with all this talk of a new Buffy remake coming out, I realized this would be the perfect contest for 2011.

So here's the deal. You're going to have to be a little creative to win. Below is a clip of Buffy dusting a vampire. If you're any kind of Buffy fan, you know she always has a nice witty quip or pun she says after she stakes a vamp. This one is:

"Three in one night, Giles would be so proud"

**UPDATE**

I'm changing this up a bit. There are 2 ways you can enter this contest to win 1 copy of Buffy the vampire Slayer, Season 8 Volume 1 entitled "The Long Way Home". Contest will run until the end of February. US only residents.

1.) I want you to come up with your most creative vampire comeback, pun or quip based upon the video above.

AND/OR

2.) Answer the question below.

Name the "Big Bad" from each of the 7 Seasons of BTVS.

Once you come up with your cleverly clever quip or name the Big Bads, e-mail or DM your name and e-mail address with your answers. Around March, I'll randomly pick a winner! If you do both, you get entered twice and double your chances!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

#20 on my top 20 horror movies of 2010 list is a movie called Kill Theory. Basically its about what you do in order to survive. Psychological survival movies have been done before and they are always interesting to watch. The reason is because you start to ask the same question the characters are asking.

Would you kill or maim people or even people you love to survive?

I've always liked these movies and in Dan Donley's Shellter you get posed the same question, but it pushes the envelope a little more to the extreme. Our main hottie Zoey finds herself in a post apocalyptic world where an infection has spread and she and a Doctor and Nurse are holding up in a fallout bunker.Not knowing what lays beyond this shelter, she must decide if the doctor is her only hope for salvation.

Shellter is an indie horror flick that instead of regurgitating tired old zombie flicks gives us the wiggins through psychological torture. Zoey is our mouse and we get to see her go through the maze. It's clearly mesmerizing to see the film unfold and start questioning her actions and reactions and the film does this effectively well. Where it goes a little awry is in the fact I knew the twisty twizzler ending 5 minutes into the movie and knew I was going to hate it.

We've all seen mice experiments before and you know eventually it'll get to the cheesy middle. It's how the maze is conceived is what makes it exciting. And Shellter has an interesting way to get there but your going to go on a lot of dead ends before you get there.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Zoey, (Cari Sanders,) awakens in the medical facility of an underground fallout shelter. The Doctor, (Will Tulin,) explains that an infection has killed most of the population. The only people left are either a few lone survivors like her and the infected: The living dead.

The Doctor is assisted by a Nurse, (Maria Olsen,) who it seems has gone completely insane. They “treat” a steady stream of survivors/patients.

The only way of “curing” the infection is by surgically removing the affected area, which leads to gruesome results.The Doctor wants Zoey to replace the unstable Nurse and become his new assistant. Zoey is very hesitant to join the Doctor who is willing to do whatever it takes to survive, no matter how questionable or terrible the acts. But after a patient offers to trade places with Zoey and do “anything” the Doctor wants, Zoey realizes that if she doesn’t do it, someone else will do these terrible things to her.

Zoey has to decide what she is willing to do to survive, and the viewer has to make that same decision: How far would you go to survive?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Zoey's journey starts off as she finds herself drugged out and hearing video of a infection that's spread. All food is tainted but a Doctor (Will Tullin) has informed her they are safe. Later Zoey starts to see other people be rescued and the good doctor begins performing medical experiments. To us the viewer, these all seem to be questionable but to horrified Zoey, she deems the doctor's actions as a means to help herself.

Other survivors are given a choice to stay and leave though when they leave they are shown as being killed by infected savages. This stimuli clearly strangles Zoey to stay and she is slowly given more drugs and given a yummy food supply of urine and fried human flesh to survive.

In the most pure and blatant experiment scene that emulates those Milgram experiments to a tee, Zoey and another survivor are forced by our good Doctor to pass a test where Zoey is told to high voltage another woman as she is forced to answer meaningless questions. The experiments are clearly interesting to read and watch (remember that Stanford prison guard/prisoner one?) but here in Shellter it's comes off as a little absurd. My damn pesky logic comes in. Why didn't Zoey just question why the doctor would want to perform such a mindless experiment?

This experiment seems just out of place in Shellter. Like the movie was written around this one scene. It's effective but almost ridiculous within the context of the film. The doctor is clearly insane and I have to say no matter the reinforced stimuli of psycho babble within Zoey's new shelter, you would have to conclude that an experiment like this makes no sense.

However, of course you wouldn't have a film. The evolution of Zoey from sane Human X to insane foot soldier progresses fast. Soon Zoey is helping the good doctor in every experiment and torture which encludes head bashing, ocular trauma, 2nd hand rape and your everyday slice and dice.

As we get to the ending which I Nostradamused 5 minutes in, the movie rushes through the reveal and gives the viewer the happy ending. You know me, I hate happy endings.

Solid performances mixed in with really dumb performances are scattered throughout Shellter. Sanders as Zoey gives a good performance as she turns from normal to abnormal than to normal again. Kudos to Tulin as the Doctor who has a look that makes you cry out for Dateline's Chris Hansen. He sells his mad doctor well and I would get the creepy critters if I was in an elevator with him. The other survivors who interact with our big two give lazy, over the top acting that made everything seem more SyFy mixed in with a Troma film. C'mon now, we don't need that much exaggeration.

Donley's film looks good for an low budget indie horror film. The sets are fantastic and the shots are done really well. However, there seems to be lots of filler muddled throughout. I'm not sure but I think Zoey was drugged like 10 times in that movie. The movie never gets frenetic, where we see a sort of cat and mouse play out. Instead we get a slow, monotonous approach with Zoey slowly seeing the bigger picture. The makeup effects and non CGI gore and splatter seem to be top notch. You really appreciate a film that is willing to do it the old fashioned way.

So what's the deal with Shellter?

Sure it succumbs to Saw like qualities and the old torture porn cliches but that psychological approach keeps it entertaining. I of course take that old liberal, leftist approach that goes with the idea that I would never torture or kill somebody to save myself. And you want to yell at our mouse Zoey to stop her stupidity. You of course would never eat horrific foods, assist in torture or kill somebody to save yourself right?Shellter asks that question and shows it via extreme horror. The maze is a little disorganized in Shellter but you can't help but keep watching because you want to know if our little mouse will get the cheese.

The doctor gives some food to Zoey telling her it taste like shit and she eats it. Guess what you think she ate.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Shellter actually does an OK job of giving us the best of both worlds. Torture porn and psychological horror. It does both decently, but nothing I'm writing Bloody Disgusting about. You can get your psycho horror fix without the gore by watching The Killing Room or Kill Theory. But where's the fun in that?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I've never seen Troll 2. You would think I would have as I love MST3King bad movies. So I watched the next best thing, which of course is Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2's fandom. The doc is an interesting look into how a cheesy, bad movie can garner attention years later.

All the characters in BWM are intriguing. George Hardy and director Claudio Fragasso give polarizing opposite views of how they embrace their now infamous picture. Like Tommy Wiseau's The Room that a few years ago became the next Troll 2, you see an odd look into fandom at its core.

I like BWM and its look into how something can become cult overnight. The question I always come up with is somebody out there initiated this surge in popularity for a flick and they should get their due credit.

Could say the horror blogosphere embrace a movie that's so bad its good and make it an overnight sensation? Say we picked one of the worst movies on IMDB and started embracing it with such passion and love. Could we make the next Troll 2 or The Room?

How about this film that's currently #11 on that IMDB list called Zombie Nation? Could we make this into a cult phenomenon?

Looks pretty bad. Check out the trailer.

I actually think we could. If horror bloggers, critics and the existing fan base made an effort we might be able to make a bad film be hysterically funny. Sure we'd have to pick the perfect film and from seeing Troll 2 in some clips, they have to have that "it" factor with some memorable scenes and WTF lines.

But the other thing that BWM showed were the horror conventions where actors and actresses who starred in our most beloved horror movies are clinging to their 1 minute of their 15 minutes of fame. We've all seen this at horror conventions right? That one actress who was say mega hot in that cheesy B-movie 80s flick that has rented a table at a horror convention in suburbia. I know that these tables sometimes go for $150 a pop to rent. They hock their glamour photos, movie stills and charge $20 for an autograph. Another $10 for photo.

Why would an actor try to cling to fame years later? I'm going to be harsh. It's kinda depressing to see. I once walked through "the tent" at a Chiller convention in New Jersey and scanned the room. Rows and rows of actors eyeing the crowd hoping someone would recognize them and ask for an autograph. I was too bummed to even go up to them even though I recognized who they were.

Why?

Because A.) I felt kinda sad that they had to do this to make a buck B.) I would get a little irritated if they asked me to PAY for a photo or autograph and C.) What could I possibly discuss with them about a movie I saw when I was 15?

When George Hardy goes to England and realizes Troll 2 isn't as popular as it is in the US, it's kinda sad. He wants to embrace the fame he's getting but there are like 5 people in the audience. The horror fan is a stickler when it comes to totally embracing something they love. I mean Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and even some Fulci fanatics can sell out ballrooms at a moments notice. But that's not the case for smaller cultish films. The franchises still rule and can endure beyond their 15 minutes.I once saw David Faustino at a Chiller convention and he was getting some people at his line. I mean really, Bud Bundy was getting more people than Kane Hodder? Even the staple of the horror convention, Tom Savini wasn't getting tons of people eager to meet him. But 90% of the "guests" at a horror convention are actors, writers and filmmakers who the current public has forgotten about. They are forced to hock their shit in a hotel room 3 floors up. Or are in a tent or are in the back corner of a dealer room. Why would these C levels celebs want to go through such torture on themselves?

Why would someone who appeared as a minor cast member in Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street think they were still relevant today?

Obviously the obvious answer is for the attention. Maybe for the money? I don't know. I want to know. I want to know why they go to these things and feel a need to reach out to the horror fan when the horror fan has probably forgotten about them.

Many of us still want to meet our horror celebs and want our pictures taken with them. I too like meeting my favorite horror actors and filmmakers. I'll admit it. But even George Hardy knew when his 15 minutes seem to be dying down. When he had to go back to being Dr. Hardy, dentist from Alabama.

The horror community can give an actor or actress their 15 minutes. But we can easily take it away. I'll admit, that's a helluva power we have.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

It's this week's Insano Steve's one sentence review-o-matics. If you missed the previous edition, check it out here. I tasked Insano Steve to review every movie in his DVD collection but instead he gave one sentence reviews (lazy bastard).

This week's edition: Perverted Japanese Edition! Enjoy.

Bounce Ko Girls - a fun story about 3 underage girls as they: 1.) entrap pedophiles on the internet, 2.) run from the Yakuza, and of course, 3.) sell their used underwear to perverts at a profit.

Zero Woman series - a Japanese secret agent that fights crime armed only with giant breasts. Series stars a different girl in each movie. Her mission: to infiltrate and destroy an international sex slave cartel. Lots of nudity. Minimal plot. Comical action.

Perfect Education series - The story of some sicko, who kidnaps a promiscuous young girl, so that she may be reformed through the cleansing power of rape. a common theme in Japanese film.

Red Room 1 & 2 - the story of a Japanese game show where contestants rape and kill each other. very much fucked up. mtv is currently working on an American version.

Pinocchio 964 - the black & white Japanese cyberpunk classic. in the near future, a cyborg sex slave is lobotomized and thrown out in the streets by it's owners after failing to maintain an erection. The cyborg then meets a criminally insane homeless girl. Complete and absolute insanity ensues.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The moment I saw the premise and trailer for Carly Lyn's film A Foundling, I was completely mesmerized.

Was this a Western film that had sci fi elements?

Were the leads both Chinese American actresses?

Was this a film about 2 Chinese American women in the way back West finding an alien?

Yes to all these questions. The beauty of independent cinema is your not constrained by a formula. You can write any story you choose, cast any leads you want and throw in a hook that nobody has ever done before.

Carly Lyn does all of these in A Foundling. It's a beautifully crafted film that tells a story that for once in my long film viewing history I've never ever seen before. That is both refreshing in a way I can't describe. I've seen only a few others indies (like Ink) that have made this happen. But never have I seen a movie that follows Chinese American women in a sci fi western.

A Foundling breaks the handcuffs of the conventional indie film. It's a serial Western with a twist and though follows such a simple story of 2 sisters reunited, it's even smart enough to comment on the world around them.Boring Plot-O-Matic

Virginia (CINDY CHIU) - a young Chinese woman in the Old West - rescues her long lost sister, Mattie (NORA JESSE), from a brothel in Arizona. On their journey home to San Bernardino, they discover the strange, steaming wreckage of an otherworldly craft. Inside the vehicle, Mattie finds a very mysterious baby.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Simply, A Foundling is about the reunification of Virginia and Mattie as they trek home to Virginia's home. Both have lived different lives and try to find common ground. To not point out that the lead actresses are Chinese Americans would be wrong. Clearly, any Asian Americans are not in many films, Hollywood or indie. To see both Cindy Chiu and Nora Jesse play strong, evolved female characters was very refreshing to see. The stereotype for Asians in films is they are either A.) skilled in martial arts B.) skilled in swords C.) An evil enemy in organized crime D.) All of the above.

Oh yes, and they speak broken English. This is clearly not the Asians in America I know. And it should be reflected in film. Chinese Americans have been in America since waaay back when. We've often heard they built the railroads. I'm no history buff but I'm sure Wikipedia can verify that. To see Chinese Americans break these stereotypes and be portrayed as Americana as can be is to be applauded.

But I digress. As both make their way home via single horse, the film introduces some wild alien lore to the mix. A crash landing brings in a mysterious alien to which the women have no idea of what this is. But they take a liking to the strange child and bring him along on their journey.

Soon the women encounter food shortages, a sick horse, white men who may have a different agenda and a illness befalls one of the sisters. The movie is not an action packed John Wayne flick here but a slow, sun drenched tale of woe. Within their journey, the women experience the world of the times. Racism, sexism and classism are all commented on. Clearly, Chinese women in America in the 1800s were the bottom of the barrel and we see trust and loyalty are challenged when the world is full of inequality.Chiu and Jesse give excellent performances and play off each other perfectly. Chiu, playing the disciplined straight shooter seems to have a solid presence onscreen while Jesse goes all anti as a prostitute with a change of heart. If any of them faltered in their performances, the movie would have suffered greatly. But they don't and they help the film reach it's potential.

The gripes are small but they should be acknowledged. This film clearly could have been a stepping stone to explore issues of the time. I would have liked to have seen the plight of what Chinese Americans endured during the 1800s. But that may have been asking to much from an indie. The cinematography is fantastic but some scenes felt mostly filler in some instances. Somehow even the sci fi element felt a little SyFy-ish mixed in with a Lifetime movie of the week. But these are minor picks.

Lyn has carved a Sci Fi story into a Western that challenges the conventions of films you've seen countless times. I don't know why we think all alien movies need future tenses. I kind of dig these films that invade our notions of the past and blend in two genres into one.

Carly Lyn's A Foundling is that rare film that wants you to see that all the tales we've heard before can be rewritten in a new way. A Western, a Sci Fi or a travel drama can all be intertwined into a film that explores our humanity by seeing what we would do when introduced with something unimaginable.

And sometimes, we don't need a spaceship to do it.WTF moment

Whoa! That's some funky alien child

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I challenge you to watch something different, something new and something that's not a remake of a remake. The joys of watching indie cinema is experiencing stories and characters that never get seen. A Foundling is one of many that are part of the new frontier of independent film.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I had a few features I wanted to write about what we should all expect in 2011 via film but they all sorta made sense to go list a few Nostradamusisy predictions instead. When in doubt, always go with a list I always say. Who knows what 2011 will bring in the world of horror but I'm going out on a limb with my guesses and predictions.

If any of these come true, I've got proof I'm psychic. Now place your bets.

1.) Steampunk will be Hollywood's Newest Exploitation

With Sucker Punch coming out which will probably be the equivalent of 300 in terms of success, Zach Snyder will initiate a Hollywood bandwagon for all that is steampunk.

2.) We're going to see a lot more Exorcist type movies

With The Rite comes out this month, we're going to see more devil in a child movies. The Last Exorcism's succes and Exorcismus, this is just the tip of the iceberg for devils vs priests.

3.) We're going to see less horror remakes

Just because Hollywood's already milked the shit out of every horror franchise

4.) Remember shaky cam shot on video cinema? We're going to get a film like that every month.

And it's going to be in 3D.

5.) Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods will be better than Kevin Smith's Red State

Two fan bases collide but somehow Whedon will prevail because his movie will be funnier.

6.) Zombies and Vampires will jump the shark....say hello to werewolves

With Teen Wolf coming to MTV, I smell more howling wolves coming to the big screen.

7.) There will be less Exploitation and Grindhouse throwback flicks

Sure I'm going to see Hobo with a Shotgun but we're going to see indie filmmakers turn their backs on these type of flicks.

8.) Gladiator movies will make a comeback

From Spartacus to Hercules to Conan, we're going to see more overgrown men with swords slicing and dicing.

9.) We will have 1 hyped up Japanese or Korean remake

I hope it comes from Takashi Miike or Chan Wook Park.

10.) The French will blow us away with a horror flick (which will probably end up #1 on my Top 10 List for 2011)

They've been quiet for a while. I think they're going to make a flying zombie film that's somehow intellectually stimulating.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Look at those links above! Hahaha, I couldn't resist. Well it's that time again where I make your life easier by compiling the top 10 (or best of) lists of every major film and horror site, horror blog and online magazine out there on the interwebs. I do this because I also like to see how it compares with my own list and because you deserve one place where you can go to instead of Googling for it.

Over a 100 lists are below (I've totally Googled out after compiling the list)

I haven't tallied all of them but checking on most of them, you'll see the same movies on the list though a lot of different #1's.

If I missed a list or you want yours added, drop me a line or leave a comment.

Now say thank you Mr. Jaded Viewer. Seriously. Just leave a comment letting me know this was somewhat appreciated. It'll take you two secs. Now fill in that word verification. See that wasn't so bad.

Friday, January 07, 2011

Everybody has been posting their Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010. Sorry for taking so long to get this live but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed out on a few sleepers this year.

Like last year, I've extended this to 20 films. If you missed #20 to #11, clicky here. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

Though some of these movies came out in 2009, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2010 as coming out in 2010

It's a mix of indie horror and theatrical releases

Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Black Swan, Let Me In, Shutter Island, Paranormal Activity 2, After.Life and a few other indie horror films that ended up on some Top 10s

Triangle delivers everything you want from a horror movie. Heightened Hitchcockian suspense, twizzler twists and turns and there is blood by the pint. For a movie created out of the UK/Australia that boasts a group of Aussies doing their best American accents, it delivers on everything you want in a horror thriller.

Your mind will trip out from the amount of WTF is in this film. So much head turning plot twists you may need to drink some Four Loko to get it all straight. It all comes full triangle and by the end you checking IMDB message boards and trivia to find out what's the what.

I love the intertwining concept of loopy time and a mad killer on the loose. And when a boat slasher film gets you to think and scan the internet, it's one of the best this year.

I'm not a huge fan of shaky cam first person POV horror. So going into Rec 2, I knew the SWAT team was going to get involved, we were going to get some possessed zombie kills and I was gonna get nauseous again. Cue the Dramamine.

Rec 2 is a superior movie to the original. It's amped up the infected, brought in the heavy weaponry via SWAT officers and thrown in some crazy Spanish hipsters who get exactly what they deserve. What you end up with is a sequel that twists and turns you on every scene and makes you big gulp in complete darkness.

I gotta say, the Rec movies are the best this POV genre has to offer. They are solid flicks and use the POV gimmick very well. Rec 2 does jack up the scares, the claustrophobia and the tension. Out of all the the POV movies I've seen, Rec 2 is so far the best of the rest.

Babysitter Wanted is everything The House of the Devil should have been. It's got the same premise as Ti West's film. College girl with lousy roommate gets a gig to babysit a couple's young little tyke in the middle of boonies USA. Suspense is drawn out as mysterious phone calls start ringing, she frantically searches for the kid and than the big reveal is well...revealed.

Babysitter Wanted is what I wanted from The House of the Devil. It takes that babysitter urban legend and squeezes every drop of horror onto the screen.

A very solid horror movie that actually lives up to what it was trying to do. All in all, Babysitter Wanted hits on all these notes and does it without including the 80s nostalgia.

Piranha 3D is as cheesy and as yummy as advertised. As the only movie that's 3D on my list that says a helluva lot. 3D, tits, piranha and gore. What more did you want from a film Alex Aja?

Via Insano Steve's review.

Hey a 3D horror movie can be good after all. As long as it is good as a 2D movie first. Don't be fooled just by the 3D part. Although, something must be done about the pricing. $16.50 for a 3D movie makes these things hard to recommend.

But in the end, if you know what to expect here (a fun gore-filled teenage t&a slaughter fest), well then Piranha 3D delivers on that. Whether that means I'll go see Piranha 4D (or whatever they call the sequel), that remains to be seen, .....

Dead Hooker in a Trunk is a modern day black comedy exploitation film of pulpy goodness. As the title suggests, shit hits the fan when our troupe of twin sisters, a Jesus freak and a junkie find a dead hooker in a trunk. It starts off a chain reaction of ass kicking, appendages being ripped apart, some sexual molesting and a bloody bloodbath.

The Soska Sisters first feature film is raw in that grindhouse way and has that Tarantino feel with a extra dose of indie grittiness. You'll laugh, you'll wince, you'll metal head bob your head due to the awesome soundtrack.

DHIAT is a mad mad bizzaro movie that has everything you would want. Hot kick ass girls, some ha ha's and LOLs and one killer soundtrack. I've got the Soska Sisters on my radar, it's time the rest of the world has them on theirs.

"What's not to love about junkies, bad asses, hot women and a dead hooker in a trunk?"

Arguments aside Hatchet 2 deserved at least a decent theatrical run to prove old school American horror can survive theatrically. When all that floods US theaters are PG-13 3D CGI kills snoozefests, one can only wonder if the 80s inspired slasher films can survive in this climate. Obviously not.

But on the merit of a horror film, Hatchet 2 is a sequel that literally starts off where the last one ended. Everything about Hatchet 2 follows the sequel formula to a tee. It's been said before that Green's Hatchet is to Alien as Green's Hatchet 2 is to Aliens. Hunters abound in the sequel and all hell breaks loose. But we'll get to that in a sec.

Hatchet 2 is an unapologetic splatter slasher flick that says "Fuck You" to the other horror movies of 2010. It's the big bully in the room that taunts you, gives you wedgies, makes you feel sympathetic towards it then punches you in the face and takes your lunch money. Straight out, it's one of the best horror movies of 2010.

The Last Exorcism is one of the best horror movies of 2010 by far. Not because it had elements of Paranormal Activity or exorcism scares, but because somehow the mockumentary feels as real as real could be. Evangelism is clearly a scary thought in general, but when you you see how real the fakery can be and how people will believe in "the show", that's what's truly scary. The Last Exorcism amplifies this horror wise but the foundation is not without a chill to the bone factor as well.

The shot on video POV should have jumped the shark here but didn't. It reminded me of Lake Mungo, which is #3 on this list. When done well these fake docs somehow get the jumpy jumping. It's a smart mock and I liked the mockery of religion.

Sure it got a little cliched towards the end though it ended cleverly, it's a haunting feeling nevertheless.

I must admit, Lake Mungo was not on my must-see radar when reviewing the After Dark Horrorfest movies. But this is the hidden gem beneath the proverbial sand of the eight films. I was exceptionally surprised at how great the movie was and amazed that it didn’t slowly evolve into a cheap Paranormal Activity gimmick.

The trailer and poster are very misleading and you may be convinced you’re seeing a midnight movie set to deliver jolts of jump scares.

Lake Mungo is your counterpoint to the jump scare ghost cinema verite type film. You will be so convinced by its authenticity, you may be calling a psychic to find out if it’s real or not. Or just head over to Wikipedia. Because if its on Wikipedia, it’s true.

The most hyped up film of 2010 horror wise. The Human Centipede is pretty much a "I loved it" or "I hated it" type of film. It's reputation sealed itself when you hear the concept of what's being done and sure it doesn't go over the edge in execution, it clearly boggled the horrorsphere in every way imaginable.

The Human Centipede is a tornado of a film that challenges your visual senses and challenges your brain to compute what you're seeing. It's really something you've never seen before and that's the beauty of it. It takes about an hour to get the completion of this new Frankenstein like creation but its well worth it.

I fell on the I loved it side and though I wished it had gone further, seeing our mad scientist have his dreams come true was my dream come true as well.

Many of you haven't yet seen A Serbian Film and somehow be thankful you haven't. But I have and when a movie scars you like this one did, it easily cements itself as the #1 horror film of 2010.

Was it a movie critiquing the Serbian government's brainwashing of ordinary citizens into committing atrocities during the war? Or is it a vile, disgusting piece of crap pretending to be art?

Honestly, I don't know. As I watched I tried to see if there was satire as we watch the de-evolution of our main character Milos. But viewing fucked up scene after fucked up scene, I was kind of shocked into a jaded submission of WTF. Something is being said about the Serbian's ravaged past but all that kept echoing was "NEWBORN PORN!"

That is one of the many fucked up things that happens in A Serbian Film.

Critics have either praised or been disgusted by the film and I now know why. Having heard of this film through the festival grapevine (and that it was being banned from film fests) I can honestly say it's a downright despicable film from the beginning and especially towards the end.

In the vain of Palumbo's Murder Set Pieces, Buttgereit's Nekromantik, Oldboy, August Underground and Hostel, the movie shocks and shocks until you vomit and then shocks some more. I of course have made it a point to see all the most fucked up movies and to be honest, yeah it's sickening but not as sickening as I thought it would be.

Could a commentary on Serbia's government and the lives of its citizens NOT be done in such a vile manor? Sure, but nobody would go see it. Only the art cinephiles would see a subtitled film portraying the atrocities of a small country in Eastern Europe.

So Srdjan Spasojevic and writer Aleksandar Radivojevic decided to go the exploitation/horror sub genre to make a point. Exploitation is now the new chic, the "It" genre, the rebooted sub genre that used to be the stepchild of the horror genre.

And that's why I think it's effective and the best horror film of 2010.

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I've seen your Top 10 list, now you've seen mine.

OK, I know you horror minions have your 2 cents. So go ahead and let me have it. Throw that smelly poop at me or if on the off chance you partially agreed on some of my picks, send me that love. Chime in and let me know what you think.

This list of the Top 20 Horror Movies of 2010 also is an opportunity to see the movies you may have missed that made many of the best of 2010 within the horror community. We all missed a few flicks here and there. I hope you all give all of these movies a chance and then come back and let me know what's the what.