In the immortal words of Slim Shady, guess who’s back, back again?! I know, I know, I’ve been a little derelict in my duties of attempting to provide some levity prior to each Seahawks game. If you’d been working 25% more hours the last 2 months at a job that actually pays you, you probably wouldn’t have a whole lot of extra time for jobs that don’t pay anything.

But no more excuses. It’s playoff time!! I’ll be honest though, the feeling is different. It’s a combination of something’s missing since the game isn’t at home and frustration since it felt like the Hawks could have flipped this switch much earlier in the year and we could have a home game. Nonetheless, we are where we are. We play the cards we’re dealt. Just might be tough to hold on to those cards on Sunday since we’d need about 5 layers of gloves to keep our fingers from falling off were we unfortunate enough to be sitting on the metal bleachers of TCF Bank Stadium. If there’s a movie I associate with Minnesota, it’s most definitely Grumpy Old Men. Let’s get ready for Sunday through the shenanigans of John Gustafson and Max Goldman.

“Cold enough for ya? Brrrrr! Oh shut up, fat ass!” Ok, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Or the Abominable Snowman in the room as it were. If you’ve been off the grid for the last week you might not have heard, but it’s apparently going to be cold on Sunday. It moves around, but the high is expected to be between 0 and 4 degrees with a wind chill about 15 degrees below that. But you know what it’s not? It’s not 20 below which is not uncommon in Minneapolis in the winter. It’s not being coupled with a blizzard, which also tends to happen back there. Yes, the ball can be harder to kick and catch in that kind of weather. Sure, everyone’s going to want to run the ball. Remind me, when these teams last met, how did the Vikings running game work for them? Exactly. So, let’s channel Aaron Rodgers here and R-E-L-A-X.

“Hey dickhead, you win the lottery?” I had to chuckle earlier this week when the local news was showing a live shot from Southcenter where people were lining up to buy scratch tickets with the hope that they’d win a trip to the game in Minneapolis on Sunday. People were actually paying $5 a shot for the chance to experience the battleax flight attendants on Delta, the chance to break a hip slipping on the ice, and frostbite.

“Moron! Putz!” The war of words has pretty much been at that level this week. The Vikings fans trying to downplay what the Seahawks have done the last 6 weeks. The Seahawks fans reminding them of the ass-whipping that was dispensed a month ago. But that’s about the extent of it. Vikings fans know they have no leg to stand on since they haven’t exactly been beating the Steel Curtain or Monsters of the Midway the last 6 weeks either. We Hawks fans know this offensive barrage is slightly fraudulent too, with the notable exception of that explosion in the first half down in Glendale last week. Plus, it’s not like there’s any real hatred here. We’ve taken plenty away from Minnesota over the years and parlayed it into a Super Bowl victory. Karma’s a bitch for putting together that poison pill contract for Steve Hutchinson, eh Vikings fans?

“John! John! Are you dead? Not yet, but I don’t want to die looking at your ugly face.” I’m imagining a similar conversation taking place after yet another sack that Teddy Bridgewater takes from Cliff Avril, Bruce Irvin, and hell maybe even Frank Clark. One thing the Minnesota faithful keep trying to tell the world is that they’re a different team from the game a month ago. Well, that’s kind of true. Yes, their defense is different. They’ll get back a few of their guys they didn’t have on Dec. 6th. But you know what hasn’t changed? Their offense. The same offense that was so powerful that they were able to get as far as the Seahawks 39-yard line. Once. Sorry, that kind of offensive prowess isn’t striking fear into the hearts of the Hawks.

“Do me a favor. Pull your lip over your head…and swallow.” This goes out to Teddy Two Gloves and his apologists. Oh, he’s improved dramatically since that Dec. 6th game they say. He’s really coming into his own now they say. Did anyone catch that game in Green Bay on Sunday night? Did you see that left-handed pass he tried to throw? That was on the level of a Tim Tebow pass and he’s actually left-handed. Teddy was completely devoid of any answer as to what to do against the Seahawks defense the last time. I can’t imagine he’s come up with anything new since. And if folks are still thinking the Vikings have an advantage because of the weather, let me remind you of where Teddy grew up. Yep, that’d be Miami, and not the Miami in Ohio. Russell’s had more experience in the cold when he was at Wisconsin.

“Kids; Can’t live with them, can’t shoot them.” But apparently if you have 7 of them with 6 different women and beat at least one of them with a stick, you can get a glowing Sports Illustrated article written about you. I was going to go on a little rant here, but it’ll just raise my blood pressure and I don’t need that. The one decent player the Vikings have on offense will try and surpass his massive December 6th performance of 18 rushing yards. The guy who actually said with a straight face “I know in my heart there’s not many fathers better than me” will again face the prospect of the Seahawks defense smothering him on a regular basis.

“Ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.” And you could still probably afford to get into this game. At the time I’m composing this, Stubhub has 4,928 tickets available for Sunday’s game, with half of them costing less than what parking costs you for a home Seahawk playoff game. Paul Allen (not our Paul Allen, their Paul Allen the play by play guy) has been trying to say the Vikings have 12’s too and how they’re going to show Seattle how it’s done. You know what our 12’s do Paul? They sell out playoff games and if you want a ticket on the secondary market, we make you take out a second mortgage on your house. That’s how we roll…jackass.

“I’ve laid more pipe in this town that Wabasha Plumbing.” The Seahawks have the cockiness back that propelled them to the last 2 Super Bowls. They’ll need it to sustain the 3 road trips they’re going to have to make and be successful in to find themselves at Mom Jeans Stadium on February 7th. The first step begins at 10am on Sunday

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