Friday, March 21, 2008

An Investment Banker's View On Marriage

Friday, March 14, 2008

My Addiction

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties nowand then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led toanother, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew itwasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, andfinally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employmentdon't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau andKafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,"What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I hadturned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the bosscalled me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me tosay this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If youdon't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, "I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as muchas college professors, and college professors don't make anymoney, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began tocry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as Istomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with aPBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ranup to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library wasclosed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for methat night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimperingfor Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavythinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognizethat line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I nevermiss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educationalvideo; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiencesabout how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Lifejust seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.