3/05/2006

OSCAR PART TEN HILLION - "Yes"

*I probably should have announced I was doing this beforehand, huh?

*Yeah, the energy really dies with the old blogging as we near the end. My jokes are spent. This is my first ‘live’ blog, by the way. The weariness of the long-distance runner. On the other hand, all of these posts have handily plugged up the gaps in my daily blogging schedule - like that one-week vacation I took a few days after starting this site. Now I can say that I truly did blog every day (albeit in a cumulative sense) to my grandchildren when I am old. And then they can ignore me while reading their nuclear-powered manga.

*Best Cinematography, and we get a b&w ‘photography’ theme in the graphics. It’s almost subliminal. Oh, ok - Memoirs of a Geisha actually is a three-time Oscar winner now. MOM AGAIN.

*Best Actress. Just look at the structure asserting itself in my posting. Dame Judi Dench did not look happy with her clip. Everyone else is beaming - turn that frown upside-down! Reese Witherspoon wins, again to heart-stopping blasts of stunned exclamation. Talk of journeys. MOM. And Dad. This is rambling now. She’s doing voices. Ok. It’s all over. We’re safe.

*My local newscaster: “Please join us in remembering a 10-year old that died in a fire. After the Oscars.”

*Best Adapted Screenplay: aw, it’s the same graphics as the Cinematography award. Dustin Hoffman just said ‘graphic novel,’ and I just know comics sales are going to explode now. It’s nice to hear my television telling me about John Wagner, though. Brokeback Mountain wins. MOM does not, unless they slipped it by me. You can’t win them all, MOM. A concluding tribute to bookstores? Pretty fucking rad.

*Original Screenplay. See how I switched up the colon and the period between this and the prior point? That’s how I keep it fresh here at 11:13 EST. Crash wins. I can feel the internet crackling with the dark energy of hate. Soon the Hate Batteries of my Ultimate Armor will be filled with enough loathing to fuel my conquest of humankind. Oh god, I just blew my plan, didn’t I? And I ripped it off of a Tom DeFalco issue of Fantastic Four too. I could have kept that a secret too, but I didn’t. I think one of the winners mentioned peace or something, possibly brought about by the film. Do you all think spikes would look good on my armor? I have a lot of those on there - it’s kind of a ‘90s throwback homage armor thing.

*My brother just mentioned that the best way for this evening to end is if the Big One is being announced, the nominees spill out, and then the presenter declares, “...and the Oscar for Best Picture goes to... OASIS!” And then Gallagher brothers stand up in the middle of the auditorium and raise their hands high, and the picture fades to black.

*Ang Lee is the Best Director, only postponing the inevitable. He then launches into a ten minute tirade on how none of us truly understood The Hulk. Not even the orchestra’s hottest licks can drive him away.

*I have withdrawn entirely into my own mind. The keys of the computer are talking, and hot to my fingers. They’re telling me to surge forward, the final push...

*Big Gold. The Joker is standing on the stage. They all clap for him. There is no Batman any more, forever. I’m slipping into my armor; it’s tight, but It’ll do. I’m on the launchpad now. Power me internet, power me!! Lend me your sizzling might!!! Oh god, the colors and nebulae