Are little Jimmy and Janie coming home from school with a bunch of godless socialist ideas about "redistributing toys to other kids who haven't had a turn" and "waiting in communist bread lines to go out to recess?" If you are worried this kind of Soviet indoctrination is taking hold of your youngster in our nation's underfunded miniature socialist learning labs, well then, the Internet has a thing for you. "One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots" is an actual book (remember those?) for parents to read to their kids in case they noticed God and gun rights weren't mentioned enough times in their civics homework. Let's take a peek at our lessons!

Let's see, here is what your child can learn about the Ten Commandments Ten Amendments in the Bill of Rights:

The Bill of Rights tells us thatWe may do what many can't.So there would be no room for doubt,Our Founding Fathers laid them out.

There are ten rights, and they mean a lot.They are ten reasons that we fought.Freedoms we didn't have before,Freedoms well worth fighting for.

When you know you're safe in your own home,When you know you don't have to pray alone.When you say just what you feel,It might not seem like a big deal.

Just remember that these rights weren't free.Many fought for you and me.

Clever! We are assuming "right to feel safe in your own home" is the code for gun rights, since "feeling safe at home" is not actually in the Bill of Rights, is that "on target," haha? You may have to explain that one more fully to the kids.

And, bonus, some Big Hollywood reviewer is thrilled with this book, because it doesn't make her feel like she is turning her son into a gay socialist when they read it together:

My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it's not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men. He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says "Semper fi" to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco. We're not exactly the typical family you might find on the west side of Los Angeles. So you can see why this is the kind of book I can feel good about reading with my son.

Puerto Rico's Sen. Roberto Arango says his resignation was brought about by a conspiracy of his political enemies. Enemies who apparently forced him to show his fellow Grindr members the results of his fabulous weight loss. IN HIS ANUS.

In his resignation letter effective August 31, Arango says his political enemies are to blame for his downfall. "I affirm with the up most certainty that the controversy which Puerto Rico's Senate and the city capital is currently facing is the result of a sinister maneuver orchestrated by my political enemies," he wrote. When the Puerto Rican TV show Dando Candela presented the conservative lawmaker with a photograph of a naked man, he didn't exactly deny he was the subject in the photograph: "You know I've been losing weight. As I shed that weight, I've been taking pictures. I don't remember taking this particular picture but I'm not gonna say I didn't take it. I'd tell you if I remembered taking the picture but I don't."

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When anti-gay Christianist hate groups call for nationwide boycotts of LGBT-friendly companies, that is a righteous use of the free market in order to preserve morality, marriage, family, and the American way. But when GAY groups use or threaten the use of a boycott, THAT is homofascist intimidation, intolerance, bullying, and an attempt to deny the freedom of speech.

The American Family Association, which screams and complains every week about its hate group designation, would like to imprison millions of Americans merely because of who they are. But remember, WE are the Nazis.

Both of the cases that went to the United States Supreme Court that dealt with the issue of whether states should criminalize sodomy, and of course they still ought to be able to do it, every state in the union criminalized sodomy until 1962 and then forty nine states until 1972, then they began to fall like dominoes. But by the time of the founding until the late 20th Century, homosexual activity was a felony offense in the United States of America, there is no reason why it cannot be a criminal offense once again, absolutely none.

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Borowitz: The kind of people you used to cross the street to avoid are now all running for President.

"The number of people worldwide who are killed by Muslim-type terrorists, Al Qaeda wannabes, is maybe a few hundred outside of war zones. It's basically the same number of people who die drowning in the bathtub each year," said John Mueller, an Ohio State University professor who has written extensively about the balance between threat and expenditures in fighting terrorism.

I bet if you compared how much we spend on terrorism per yer per death and calculated how much we would need to spend to have the same per capita ration for cancer deaths, it would be hundreds of trillions. But then again, with us all afraid, we don't notice the erosion of our rights and liberties. So we got that going for us.

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We keep hearing about these outrageous wastes of money yet somehow, too few people in Washington do anything about it. The wars keep going on - they even expand into new countries - and nobody dares question the spending. It's seemingly OK to cut funds from middle class Americans who are already suffering but no, the military keeps getting a free ride. No wonder so few people like either Congress or the president. What's to like about any of them? There's absolutely no leadership in Washington from either side.

Nimrod second-tier grifter Christine O'Donnell is trying desperately to sell her dumb book about how to knit homemade dildos Xtine's Tea Party expertise, which ranks somewhere below the sequence of random numbers and letters in a license plate database for its contribution to policy. A crowd of four teabaggers showed up to her book signing in Naples, Florida to meet her, plus one guy who asked her to sign a copy of his devil worship handbook, which she refused to do. (Haha, we like this guy.) 2012 preseason grifter tryouts are coming to a close, and we don't see her making the cut. Maybe it's time to just go back to selling vibrators and sorcery manuals on Amazon, Christine? READ MORE »

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Dan Savage: Shouldn't homophobic politicians and anti-gay bullies be presumed to be gay until they get caught up in a straight sex scandal?