Never ask a single person if they’re “seeing anyone special,” an unemployed person if they’ve found a job, or a married couple when they’re planning to have children. You’re not making conversation. You’re starting someone on the road to Prozac.

Friday, November 18, 2005

To Marry or Not to Marry...That is The Question...

I received a disturbing phone call 2 days ago from a very close friend. She was in the same university as me and we were really close back then. She was one of my friends that I don’t really keep in touch with but when we meet up once a year (usually during hari raya gatherings) it was like we had never parted, ya’ know what I mean? Well, she called me and asked me how I was and the first thing she said was,“I’m gonna end up like you.”And I of course went,“Huh? Whaddaya mean end up like me? Cute you mean?” (yes, yes, my attempt at cracking jokes!)She asked me whether I had heard anything about her (I hate it when people do that, they call you out of the blue to ask you whether you’ve heard anything bad about them. And if you say you haven’t then they would usually tell you to forget they mentioned anything in the first place. Like Whutthefridge??? So frustrating okay!). So anyway I pestered her and finally she told me that she’s in the process of getting a divorce. Whoa! She’s been married for 6 years and has a 5-year-old daughter. I asked her what happened and she said they just couldn’t live together anymore. There were a lot of fighting and arguing going on that both of them felt tired and decided enough is enough. She said she has been contemplating getting divorce for a while now and finally had the courage to go through with it.I don’t know what to say to her. I can only asked her whether she was sure she was making the right decision. She said she knows people sometimes stay together for the sake of the children but she doesn’t think she can live in a lie. If I know my friend then yeah, she’s one of those people who spoke her mind and is very stubborn and opinionated. I asked her what do they fight about and she said that it was always about petty things. Yup, that’s how it all started. First with minor fights (e.g. leaving your trails of clothes all over the place and not putting them in the laundry basket or not cooking often enough), which had then escalated into major ones (e.g. accidentally found lovey dovey text messages on your husb’s/wife’s mobile). She said they don’t have communication problem, in fact both of them are chatterboxes. She said the reason they fight is because she doesn’t respect him enough. She is earning more than him and is in a better position than him, career wise that is. She said he gets frustrated and often takes it out on her and that’s when they fight. There was no third party involved. It was purely because they couldn’t get along anymore.After I put down the phone, I thought to myself. I’m not even married and almost half of my friends are getting divorced. Just got to know that one of my friends are getting divorced because her husband is having an affair. And another guy is divorcing his wife because he found out she was a lesbian. I mean how can you not know this when you were going out with her, man??!! *Sigh*What is happening to my friends? I thought when you get married you had promised to love each other till the day you die. What went wrong???? Is it because they got married too early? Did they get married because they’re lonely and just need someone to accompany them to weddings and open houses and dinners? Did they get married because their parents decide it is time to get married? Did they get married because they just want children? Are those valid reasons to get married?I am not jaded. I do want to get married and spend the rest of my life with that one person and be blissfully happy. At the same time I am scared because people have been telling me that marriage is a gamble and thus it could go either way. And I cant count how many times ive been told this, "Never trust your spouse 100%".With all these negative views about marriage, I can’t help but think about my grandparents. They are the most loving couple I know. Every day around 5pm, my Tok Yang will make tea and some kuih for my Tok Ayah and they will sit in the garden and talk about everything under the sun, mostly about their children and grandchildren. Then Tok Yang will take Tok Ayah’s hands and they will walk in the garden holding hands and Tok Yang will occasionally laugh at Tok Ayah’s jokes coz my Tok Ayah is really funny.I want that kind of relationship!!! That fiery everlasting love. I want someone who loves me passionately but not smother me with too much love till I can’t breath. Someone who shares my interest on music, movies and the colour purple. Someone who just listens when I rambled on and on about what a crummy day I had at the office. Someone who is brave enough to get on that scary ride like Voltex at the funfair with me. Okay, guess I’m pushing it a wee bit. Hehehehe…Alright, so what makes a marriage? What are the ingredients of a happy marriage? Let me know quick ‘kay coz I may be traipsing down the aisle pretty soon and I don’t wanna stumble and fall flat on my butt on my way there…

10 comments:

Probably a lot of luck and hard work. I believe that it takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice to have the kind of relationship one wants. There's so many elements that makes a marriage. Like trust, how can the marriage work if you start off by not having complete trust? By not having trust, it's going to manifest in how you are with each other, ie. your actions and reactions, that's where the bickering starts. Look at what you can offer him rather than what he can offer you.I've failed in marriage and I acknowledge my mistakes but for now I just refuse to look at whether I'd marry or not. Ask la your Tok Yang and Tok Ayah what's their secret :)

seeking solace makes a lot of sense. it's good that you're asking for advice. cos a lot of people just dive in when they're in love. you know, love makes you do stupid things, kinda stuff. all the best with whatever u decide to do ;)

Seeking solace, you are right. Trust is an important element that makes a marriage. I believe respect is equally important too. Alah, my Tok Yang and Yok Ayah are old schools la. Besides my Tok Yang very de garang one. Hehehe..Oreos, believe me ive learned my lesson. No more diving in. But yeah love does make u do stupid things. But smtimes thats not such a bad thing, kan? Hehehehe

I can't really agree that one should not trust your your spouse 100%.... It's not a good thing to start off a marriage with that. You will end up being revengeful and full of spite. You'll be living in fear and insecurity that will result in arguments, fights.. How to enjoy marriage life like that la...

Thinking to take the plunge soon? Well, my 2 cents worth - go in with an open mind. And always be prepared... It's true, your marriage is what you make of it..

InsyaAllah, you'll be that happy couple like Tok Yang and Tok Ayah! It runs in the blood! ;-)

Ermmm...if every one in this whole wide world is afraid that every r/ship is gonna end up in ruins, would there be any r/ship at all? How can a marriage work? No one knows cos if anyone knows, they would be best sellers right?

To me, to have a long lasting and happy marriage is always not expecting too much or dont put any expectation. Dont plan, well, some things do need to be plan, but for others, just let life take charge. Accept your spouse for who they are and not what u want them to be. Dont try to force change into them but talk to them for them to change.

I am no expert in love, in marriage but i guess we have to learn how to be one and try our best to make our marriage work which now seems like a very very hard thing to do.