Reasons to Hate Hipsters, Part Three

As I said earlier, this is an exhaustive study of the flaws and hypocrisies of a group of people, and hipsters provide un-ending fodder for ridicule and wonder.

They’re like the Arnold Schwarzenegger of our time. Many hate them and other wonder how they get away with this B.S.

1. They don’t know what it means to love a band. Reader, people like you and I understand what real fandom is. You and I know how it feels to see your favorite band in concert for the first time and the shiver of excitement that comes from when they release a new album. Such things are lost on the average hipster. Since hipsters are obsessively obsessed with image and the conundrum of trying to appear uncaring about their own image, they use bands and music as simply accessories that can be discarded in time for something “cooler.” So they’ll seek out underground bands with fabulously thought-provoking names like “Grace Disturbed” or “Swept Formica” and name drop these bands when people ask them what they listen to, reveling in the fact that they get a blank stare after voicing the choice names of these music-makers. Give this band some commercial success and the said hipsters drops them like a frat boy after date rape. You know what I mean.

2. The lack of taste. I truly could write a page on this one. For a group of individuals who are so strongly characterized in their propensity to piss on others in an unbridled fashion, hipsters are some tacky mo-fos. First of all, no man should ever wear skinny jeans unless the jeans are leather and he’s in a touring rock band. There is nothing even accidentally attractive about a man wearing skinny jeans: if he’s a slim-built man the jeans do nothing but define his chicken legs and absence of a butt. If he’s a heavier built man, you just stare with your mouth agape and wonder what he’s thinking. The ironic, childhood accessories? Adults carrying around Rainbow brite lunchboxes and He-Man thermoses? Because it’s cute in a sense of “Oh I remember that!” and “I’m still a child of 1980’s cause it’s retro and retro is cool.” The neon pants? Sequined leggings? Writing on your clothes in magic marker? Stop!

3. The lingo, or rather I should say the superiority complex (I know I already touched on that in part one) or perhaps I should call it their quivering insecurity. Hipsters develop this insular language of lingo where they shorten academic jargon to appear extremely bright and to alienate those around them (and make those people feel dumb). For example, “metaphysical” becomes simply “meta” and post modern becomes simply “po-mo” (vomit whenever you like, reader). Listen the next time you hear a hipster say that “I’m really into the meta aspects of that dude’s art” ask said hipster to elaborate. Hipsters are good at sounding smart, for about 10 seconds. Most of them. I think if you try this tactic, you’ll nail nine out of ten arses to the wall. It’s like when they say “I go to that coffee shop because the beans are locally grown” reply with a “Really, where?” and revel in the silence that ensues. Ha ha!