Friday, June 10, 2005

Bush speaks out on Beer Crisis

May 19, Washington, D.C. : President Bush today announced the FBI would be taking “special measures” to deal with the abrupt economic problems caused in Wisconsin due to the disruption in the beer industry. Speaking to the media directly after the swearing in of new Director of National Intelligence John Negroponte, Bush announced that the beer investigation would be the first to be handled by Negroponte.Several leading beer manufacturers fell off the Stock Exchange in Chicago following widespread reports that there were severe shortages of beer in the Madison, Wis., area for the last four weeks. The beer lobby cheered loudly at Bush’s announcement and the address was disrupted for a short period while security scrambled to contain the crowd.“We understand public concern over the beer shortage,” Negroponte said. “We are proud of Wisconsin’s heritage as the leading hub of beer production and sales in this great country and will do everything to set the imbalance right.”Unconfirmed reports have surfaced that the disappearing brew may be traced to a worker of foreign origin living in the Waukeesha suburb of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The individual, 26, is currently identified by the FBI only as “T.P.” (his initials). He is said to be a prime suspect and is being held for questioning. Negroponte would not answer queries directed specifically at the identity of the suspect. However, it is known that he was previously a student in Florida where he was on a listing of known beer-offenders in that state for over 8 months.Several thousand kegs, bottles and cans of beer of various brands were confiscated from the suspect’s home in an FBI swoop Saturday night. The FBI is holding T.P. until further notice and reports are still unconfirmed as to how he will be prosecuted. Likely charges include “reckless endangerment of national economy”, “pilfering alcoholic beverages”, “exceeding the yearly limit for per-capita beer consumption,” “consuming alcohol disproportionate to body weight and mass,” and “excessive public rambling when inebriated.”

Note: The above piece, while stunning in its detail and seeming accuracy, should be taken in the spirit in which it was written. It is not the author's intent to belittle the offices of either Mr. Bush or Mr. Negroponte, both of whom the author is sure are very capable gentlemen.The author also wishes to apologize to Dr. Lee Metcalfe, Professor of Political Science at Florida State University. Dr. Metcalfe, I am sure this is not what you had in mind when you envisioned your students writing on International Affairs with depth and clarity. But alas, sometimes, this is what happens.