Giving Sports a Roundhouse Kick to the Nuts

April 2007

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

(PHOENIX, AZ) -- Storied NFL draft guru and
frightening condor Mel Kiper Jr. will become an even more familiar face
this upcoming season as he has officially become the new logo for the
Arizona Cardinals. The disturbing image is exactly what was behind
ownership's philosphy. After years of getting
urinated on in the NFC East, countless coaching changes, free agent
bombs, a Gramatica, and almost no fans to speak of, they've simply run
out of ideas.

"With the draft coming up, we needed something. We needed to get nasty, plain and simple," said marketing idiot Simon Beefstalker.
"What better way to get nasty then to have 22 Mel Kiper heads on the field
at once? Opponents will at least be a little more intimidated, possibly
frightened, maybe even permanently scarred."

No confirmation yet to the rumor that the helmets will begin talking by Week 8.

A confused
Jerry West took the podium Tuesday to announce he'd be stepping down as President
of the Memphis Grizzlies, which apparently was his fantasy basketball
team. What followed was one of the more entertaining farewell press
conferences in recent memory, and the Hernia mole was there to catch
it.

"I had a lot of fun tinkering with the roster every year,
offering those crazy 10-team trades, bartering at times, posting funny
messages on the league board," he explained while attempting to
retrieve a text message. "Anyone know how you work these damn things?
For two weeks it's been telling me I have 300 new text mesages.
Anyways, it was a good ride. Especially with guys like Isiah and Billy
King participating in the league, they'd always be up for those
ridiculous offers."

West continued on, reflecting on some of his most memorable moments.

"I
tell ya, that time I tried to offload Brevin Knight to Nellie for a
razor scooter and TiVo was a doozy...so was the night I got all jacked
up on Dr Pepper and Pixie Stix and called up Jerry Krause to trade
entire rosters - straight up. Oh man, you should have heard his
voice. But hey, I am the NBA and I do whatever I want. Seriously,
who's on that logo? Yeah, that's right, it's J-West, the Big Guy. I'll be back once I get bored of fishing and
offroading in the W VA."

*****

Top 10 Warnings Signs that Jerry West was losing his touch

10. Drafted certified midget Troy Bell and a Duke guard (always asmart idea), Dahntay Jones in the 2003 Draft9. Referred to Pau Gasol as "Vanilla Shaq"8. Wore old Batman TV costume in luxury suite and on team plane7. Absent-mindedly referred to Jason Williams as "White Pudding"6. Only spoke to Pau Gasol in Chinese5. Referred to glory days in Laker management as "when Cookie Johnson was running the point"4. Took several trips to Coney Island to scout Jesus Shuttlesworth3. Asked Pau Gasol if he could wear his beard for a week2. Signed Peter Vecsey to 10-day contract twice, only to have league void it1. Stubbornly only hired coaches who formerly had a perm

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Thabo Sefolosha's clutch 3-pointer for the Bulls with 3.7 seconds left Saturday didn't just send another piercing dagger into the Bobcats collective hearts, it also made the day for chubby burger machine, Michael Sweetney.

After nearly eating Sefolosha during the celebration, a smiling Big Sweets skipped his way into the stands to collect free Big Mac coupons from the entire 200 section. One fan reportedly walked away with Sweetney's jersey and sneakers in exchange for three of the coveted coupons, and according to other scarred witnesses, Sweets eventually left the stands in just his jock.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Officials are still awaiting the results of blood tests, but it's rumored that agent Lee Steinberg may have been intoxicated after crashing his Mercedes into three parked cars, driving on the sidewalk, and steamrolling a fire hydrant.

Also lending support to the possible charge were rumors that at the time of the accident, Steinberg was wearing a Dallas Cowboys drinking helmet while a full-time bartender was in the passenger seat mixing drinks.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Following
the exciting fesitivities that took place after Detroit clinched the
top seed in the mighty Eastern Conference, Rip "Ruthie" Hamilton was
mistakenly swept off the court by the United Center's diligent
maintence crew.

"I didn't know what happened," said team
hedgehog Chauncey Billups. "I went to smack his ass like I always do
and he wasn't there. I was like, 'where is that masked dickhead?'"

The
105lb. pogo stick was stuck in a dust pan on his way to the United
Center's garbage facility, apparently dazed from the initial thrust of
the broom. It wasn't until a sharp turn inside the cooridor that the
crew realized Hamilton was among the debris in the dust pan.

"We
were almost at the home stretch, so I guess I got a little cocky and took
a hard turn," explained crew member Roy Kegnuski. "His head smacked
right into a steel door. I had no idea it was Rip, I thought it was a
sewer rat, or some kind of annyoing bug. I mean, look at him. And at the time, I had no clue how it
got out on the court, but when I saw it, I smacked that sucker with a
quick left-right and flung him right into my trap door dust pan. His
head must have popped out the side on that turn."

Hamilton was
unavailable for comment as he was being treated for scrapes,
bruises, and menstraul pain by a Chicago area veterenarian while ultra-freaky
Tayshaun Prince nervously sat at his bedside.

Dick Towel? Dick Towel!

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