Beer Pong is a title developed and published by JV Games Inc, which might as well be just one man, a full ashtray and a worn dartboard full of post-it notes.

CONTROLS (1.5/5)

The thing about real life beer pong is that its directly related to how coordinated you are, and how well you maintain composure. Second comes drinking ability. In this video game adaptation of our nation’s beloved pastime, the PlayStation Move and Six-Axis systems are clumsily used to aim your shot. While the aiming works well enough (as aiming with a Move controller generally does), firing off your shot requires flicking your wrist forward, and that pretty much negates any sort of accuracy you may have been going for. The Six-Axis controls are weirder than that, requiring lifting the controller and adjusting aim with the right stick. Really none of it is thought through at all.

GRAPHICS/SOUND (2/5)

Not a lot of effort was put in to making Beer Pong special looking or sounding. The announcer, who just ribs people constantly, will have you mashing on the mute button before the uninspired and generic soundtrack gets a chance to be noticed or become grating; which may well be a blessing in disguise.

There’s literally nothing remarkable about the visuals, either. Tables look decent enough, but they’re just freakin’ tables. Cups look like cups so that’s a plus — incredibly, I’ve seen games get cups wrong (Tetris, Chinese Checkers). The ball will often clip through edges of cups and netting, though, robbing you of goals and further negating the “accuracy” of the finely-tuned controls.

GAMEPLAY, BRO (1/5)

Although there are a couple of different modes to choose from, like a tournament-style Speed Pong and a laughable practice mode, essentially you’re giving it your best effort to toss balls into cups while fighting the controls. It seems that the AI is playing with the same control scheme, because although they can sink some unexpected shots they will screw up the exact same amount of easier shots.

Online multiplayer is there, but I was not able to connect to a single game. The online leaderboard was there as well, but it’s unclear what I’d have to do in order to place. There’s so little… everything in this game. Only four “dudebros” and four “chickarettes” to choose from, and they aren’t anything to go crazy over, just collegiate binge drinkers.

OVERALL (1.5/5)

Beer Pong does not contain any redeeming qualities or perks to playing, although, on the plus side, it does not give you liver damage… I think (I will update you on the results of my recent MRI). Unfortunately, the damage of lost time to playing a bad game is damn near irreparable these days, so stay far away from this one until JV Games ups their efforts and maybe tries a more conventional gaming concept or some other genre, because right now they’re on course to flunk out, brah.