Archives for September 2016

I thought I had them mostly under control. I don’t pressure myself to be perfect in all areas of my life, nor do I overcompensate by letting my life fall apart just to provide that schema right. I do what I do, when I can do it. I’m proud of who I am even though I’d like things to be better.

I’ve been wondering if my dependence/incompetance schema had been playing up in regards to how bad I’ve been doing on weekends. I want Glenn. I yearn for Glenn to be here. I want him to be here so I don’t have to think or be on guard. Tonight I was feeling uncomfortable/abandoned because he was watching youtube videos on his computer in another room.

Logically, I know how illogical and stupid that is. I’m a fiercely independent woman. While I love having Glenn around, I don’t like the way I’m feeling right now.

Now, I’m not sure if that I have this correct. People with these schema need others to make decisions for them. I can get shit done on my own, even if its difficult. I often don’t have the energy for it.

It makes me wonder though – if it’s not schemas influencing this behaviour, what is it? How the heck am I meant to figure this out all on my own, despite the support team I’m building around me?

I’ve thought about giving the link of this blog the psych but I write better when I know there isn’t an audience (at least, at this point). This blog is more of a living documentary that can help people down the track. But what if it can help me now?

Anyway. The thing that made me think about this was my nature blog. So many posts end with me talking about being overwhelmed with all I am trying to learn. I feel like I am under so much pressure to know everything – about all facets of ecosystems, flora and fauna. It’s so weird, I don’t even know where the pressure is coming from. No-one other then me really cares whether or not something is ID’ed. I have very few readers on my blog and I’m fine with that.

If I don’t get an item identified on Bowerbird, I freak out. That species could be something rare. That observation could change natural history. I don’t think the pressure is coming from the field nats clubs, as the members are very kind and accommodating to new members.

It makes me think of schema therapy due to the sheer intensity of the feeling. Then again, it could be bad type of perfection they talk about when it comes to gifted people?

I’d have no idea about that. Before I got sick, when my brain was normal, I didn’t feel like I was under that much pressure to know everything. I memorized stuff from the periodic table and scientific names of birds (before I was 10, mind you) for fun. It become the bad schema perfectionist behaviour once I got to high school and my anxiety started showing itself.

I don’t even know *why* I care so much. I love the challenge of identification and enjoy it when I get a tricky one, and I’m noticing that a lot of the information is seeking in. So why is it impacting on me so much?

I don’t think I can figure this out, but at least acknowledging and documenting this will be beneficial.

I haven’t been blogging much lately – anywhere. I’ve talked about my fear of crashing and finally, it happened. It’s been a bit shocking.

Sometimes, I think that because my mind feels high functioning and I avoid most situations that trigger me, I *perceive* myself as being better then I am. Because I am doing awesomely. However, I’ve been given a reprieve. I may not be forced into a job that will make me sick so am in a position to think about long term strategy. I’m backing off from family. I’m thinking about what I wan’t to get out of the psychological process.

All of this is triggering the heck out of me. It’s disconcerting. It is an incredibly struggle to be alone on weekends. 3 weeks ago, my arm went numb and I couldn’t breath. This past weekend, I had intense visualizations of cutting my arm or legs open. I actually enjoyed them. In both cases, I focused on distracting myself. Which feels like I’m wasting time.

(Side note: I think my schemas are getting triggered and I’m not acknowledging it. However, that can wait.

It reminds me of how bad I was after my grandmother died and makes me wonder if I’m having a similar response to my grandfathers death. It reminds me of how scared I was in Belmont pre meds. It’s making me realize… I am actually sick. I’m not bullshitting or avoiding a situation. This is the first time in a long time I’ve been pushing myself this hard and specific symptoms ARE getting worse.

Now – this doesn’t have to be scary. I’m connected to a psych now so can have someone else who can do the strategy and thinking.

I am contemplating talking to the doctor about changing medication. Once it starts to get scary, it is beyond my capability to fix.

Additionally, I’ve also been sleeping more then usual. Simply because I don’t want to get up. I *am* making progress on cleaning though.

So… things are quite confusing. I don’t know how this impacts on my goals. I also don’t know what the best strategy for life is from here. Trying to use a spreadsheet to figure out how everything interconnects but am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information I need to process. I haven’t been journalling recently, which is probably connected to the overwhelm.

Anyway, I’ve been doing a MOOC on psychology basics. Only 1-2 hours a week and it’s going back to the basics. I’ve taken notes on things I want to research and will be doing so, when I can. Even with psych help, I still think this is a puzzle that I need to figure out for myself.

Can you tell I’ve been really getting into the mindmaps lately? This is probably going to turn out horrid – the graphic is far to large.

Anyway, I’ve been experimenting with different kinds of mindmaps to explore different ideas. Some types, like popplet, I like so I can explore the interconnectness of ideas. I’m now experimenting with Mindmeister and the organization chart function so visually lay out ideas. For me, it works better then a list for some reason.

Here is a rough map I whipped up tonight grouping together some impairments. It’s crap, I know that. It was just skimming notes and finding themes.

I probably wont be able to do much work on this stuff until after Tasmania. Even then, I may have difficulty finding time depending on what the job network people want me to do. (That, and I’m debating whether to put recovery stuff on hold and instead focusing on income-creating stuff.)

I’m not even sure how far I want to pursue exploring ideas around giftedness, especially since I’m at the lower end of the spectrum. Other people can do the research. Time *would* probably be better spent on more pressing mental health issues.