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After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

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Chickenhawk Ted Nugent’s ‘Blood Brothers’

A lot of attention has been paid over the last few days at Ted Nugent’s bizarre tirade at a CBS News reporter and producer, where he exploded in rage at the notion that he’s not a “moderate.” But there’s a smaller part of that story that got my attention:

Nugent did just have the dates from his just-begun Midwest Rock ‘n’ Roll Express cancelled by the U.S. Army – a group he considers the core of his support.

“These military guys are my blood brothers,” Nugent said.

“So then, when I hear that political correctness has somehow metastasized into the decision makers of the military, I was really let down that political correctness has any role at all in the military.”

Yes, the soldiers are his blood brothers. Except, of course, he refused to join those blood brothers in Vietnam. And I’m fine with that; I think those who dodged the draft in Vietnam did the right thing, especially those who stood up and said they were refusing to fight because the war was wrong on every level. But Nugent didn’t do that. When faced with the possibility of going to war, Nugent shit his pants. Literally.

“He claims that 30 days before his Draft Board Physical, he stopped all forms of personal hygiene. The last 10 days he ingested nothing but junk food and Pepsi, and a week before his physical, he stopped using the bathroom altogether, virtually living inside his pants caked with excrement and urine. That spectacle won Nugent a deferment.”

See, he loves his “blood brothers” so much that he didn’t want to subject them to his poor hygiene. That’s a True Patriot.

He has evidently told the story more than once. This is from the comments section at the Auburn Journal:

I was on the staff when Ted Nugent reported for his draft examination. Within the limits of his understanding, his report is reasonably accurate. What he never knew (his perceptive senses were dramatically impaired) was that his 4f rejection was not based upon his obviously flagrant effort to appear insane, but because underneath all the filth and cover up there was an insane man.

Nugent claimed in several interviews after the initial interview, where he said he’d shit his pants to stay out of the military, that he’d made the story up because the interviewer was someone he didn’t like. He was punking the guy. Nugent IS an ass, but this is plausible. He most definitely avoided service, but apparently it was by attending college. At least that’s what he claims (and IIRC was confirmed by a reporter). Sorry, I don’t have any sources and haven’t the time to googleate it.

Snopes says the interview with High Times in which he tells this story took place, but that he’s subsequently denied it.

The interview is a riot, though:

See, I approached the whole thing like, Ted Nugent, cool hard-workin’ dude, is gonna wreak havoc on these imbeciles in the armed forces. I’m gonna play their own game, and I’m gonna destroy ‘em. Now my whole body is crusted in poop and piss. I was ill. And three or four days before, I started stayin’ awake. I was close to death, but I was in control. I was extremely antidrug as I’ve always been, but I snorted some crystal methedrine. Talk about one wounded motherf*cker. A guy put up four lines, and it was for all four of us, but I didn’t know and I’m vacuuming that poop right up. I was a walking, talking hunk of human poop. I was six-foot-three of sin. So the guys took me down to the physical, and my nerves, my emotions were distraught. I was not a good person. I was wounded. But as painful and nauseous as it was – ‘cause I was really into bein’ clean and on the ball – I made gutter swine hippies look like football players. I was deviano.

So I went in, and those guys in uniform couldn’t believe the smell. They were ridiculin’ me and pushin’ me around and I was cryin’, but all the time I was laughin’ to myself. When they stuck the needle in my arm for the blood test I passed out, and when I came to they were kicking me into the wall. Then they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, “Oh my God, put those back on! You f*cking swine you!” Then they had a urine test and I couldn’t piss, But my poop was just like ooze, man, so I poop in the cup and put it on the counter. I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud. I knew I had these chumps beat. The last thing I remember was wakin’ up in the ear test booth and they were sweepin’ up. So I went home and cleaned up.

They took a putty knife to me. I got the street rats out of my hair, ate some good steaks, beans, potatoes, cottage cheese, milk. A couple of days and I was ready to kick ass. And in the mail I got this big juicy 4-F. They’d call dead people before they’d call my ass. But you know the funny thing about it? I’d make an incredible army man. I’d be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I’d have the baddest bunch of motherf****n’ killers you’d ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it. I was too busy doin’ my own thing, you know.

Imbeciles. Chumps. That’s what he called his “blood brothers”. But you know what, armed forces? He could do your job better than you could, he just knows it.

Regardless of the truth of this particular story, Ted Nugent’s pants are filled with shit every time he puts them on.

Interesting. I failed to notice that. I would actually look at that as a small compromise in his reality testing–part of the cost of overcompensating to protect his self-esteem. I wrote about this last week and offered my perspective on why he went off the wall, what it did for him and what it cost him in a psychological sense.

The interesting thing is what he likely means by “blood brothers.” From what I’ve seen of him, he loves blood, loves violence. He kills with delight. (Would have made a fantastic case study for Erich Fromm…) I suspect he imagines that everyone in the military is as bloodthirsty as he is.

“I’ve known other people who were avoiding the draft during that time, and while Nugent went to somewhat greater extremes, I’ve heard stories nearly as bizarre about efforts to get a 4f.”

Did those other people you knew then go on to become major league cheerleaders for killing brown people and the NRA? Did they go out and stand on a stage: “Decked out in full-on camouflage hunting gear, Nugent wielded two machine guns while raging, “Obama, he’s a piece of shit. I told him to suck on my machine gun. Hey Hillary,” he continued. “You might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch.” Nugent summed up his eloquent speech by screaming “freedom!”

I suspect that there is some kernel of truth in the story about how he got a deferment, which he later exaggerated for effect.

Nugent is right up there with other great “warriors” who were in favor of the Vietnam War and all wars since then, but managed to avoid service completely. His true “blood brothers” are the chickenhawks like Dick Cheney and Mitt Romney, or even Dubya himself who, though he actually did put on a uniform, managed to pull enough strings to get a safe position in the Air National Guard.

Poor hygiene… Nah criminal hygiene is more like it. Poor hygiene is when someone doesn’t shower or clean their teeth or something along those lines, not use your pants as a latrine for 10 days. That is fucking disgusting, does he cop to this himself? Why the fuck does anybody hold this guy in high regard? Oh that’s right he’s a gun enthusiast so that’s all that matters…. fuck me, this is a bizarre country sometimes.

As much as it made me shudder when Bob Dole was shilling Viagra (c’mon, I really DON’T want the mental image there) at least he was being honest about his erectile dysfunction. Waving around TWO machine guns? There must be a lot of that particular ailment going around amongst conservative men.

Nugent is despicable: from what I know of him, he’s best-known for spouting racism, sexism, and violent bloodthirsty rhetoric.

However, conscription of any sort (military or civil) is also despicable, and I support the right of all people to resist conscription. And yes, I do think “I don’t want to risk my life” is a good enough reason to resist. No one is ever morally obliged to kill or die for their government.

“conscription of any sort (military or civil) is also despicable, and I support the right of all people to resist conscription. And yes, I do think “I don’t want to risk my life” is a good enough reason to resist. No one is ever morally obliged to kill or die for their government.”

Walton, how one feels about conscription is NOT the point.

Teddy Teabagz is all for WAR, as long as it’s others that are fighting and dying. He is the exemplar of a chickenhawk, a braggart, a coward and a liar–either then or now, makes no difference.