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Broniversal Soldier

Jay Geis - a name that lives on fondly (for all the wrong reasons) in the hearts of many Kiwis, as both his rise and fall paint him as one of the most wildly entertaining, deeply disturbing, and outright hilarious individuals ever covered by this website - has returned to prominence after a long, long hiatus.

Many younger Kiwis were not graced with the fortune to see the ongoing saga of Jay Geis, which rose to explosive popularity on the site in mid-2014. At the height of his popularity, Jay was fully capable of sustaining an entire subforum on his own, and with good reason. Yet eight months later, he was gone in one of the most surreal fashions to grace this site, and many hoped that, for his sake, we'd seen the last of him, and that maybe Jay would learn from the experience.

.....You're on this website, of course, so you can guess how well that went.

Indeed, if anything, as of his re-emergence, Jay is both worse and more entertaining than he ever was before. A very rare example of a Lolcow who is so hilariously mockable as to form a living meme, Jay is an artcow of the most rare and glorious caliber, yet even that is insufficient to describe how ridiculously mockable he is. The fact that he can now be mocked by an entirely new generation of Kiwis is more than worth the price of admission. Jay's initial coverage was hallmarked by a time before we had Lolcow Wiki (his article is coming) and before Archiving was SOP.

It was a rare time in Kiwi history, but Null never throws anything away and you can view his old forum in Spergatory.

To give the uninitiated a basic breakdown of Jay, explain why he was hilarious then (and even better now), and cover why he was one of the rare lolcows to get covered by us not once, but twice, it behooves us all to take a trip back through memory lane.

Part the First: Discovery
Jay first came to the Farms' attention in April of 2014 when his rather notorious comic, Hero Team, was brought up here on the Farms. Hero team starred Jay's self-insert Gary Stu as he and a team of colorful power armored warriors conducted missions and had sex.

Jay was notable for having one of - if not the - most juvenile, basic, and slipshod art-styles seen on this entire website. Forget making Chris Chan and David Gonterman's works look good - Jay is so bad that he makes Sophie Labelle's shit look skilled by comparison. No, I'm not exagerrating. Even Dobbybear has nothing on Jay Geis when it comes to lack of effort. 90% of his comics boil down to wish fulfillment and fetishism, but the lack of quality makes these comics all the more jarring. Hero Team, in particular, was nigh-on unfathomable without huge blocks of text in the description of every episode explaining what was going on. His char design was inspired by the Powerpuff Girls, which of course didn't stop him from drawing porn in his comic.

In truth, Jay solely does comics in order to foster his own personal fandom and make himself rich and famous. How he is supposed to accomplish this with a comic that he cares little about is unclear, but the goal (as described by Jay) is that his comics would eventually be successful enough to be made into an animation, and that, in turn, would be his first step towards making it big (preferably at Cartoon Network). He also aspired to some day own his own personal gold-colored battle armor (seriously) and described himself as an "aspiring super soldier."

Towards this end, he has actually self-published several visual novels (which he calls "pilot epics," most notably the first two books of Myth of the Legendary Warrior, Jay's magnum opus, screenshots of which are provided throughout this OP, and a gallery of which is provided on Lolcow Wiki.

Jay was absolutely serious about marketing this thing, too, leading to one of the more surreal aspects of the books: Jay would routinely go to conventions and even rent a booth so he could hawk copies. The comic's content, like Hero Team's, is notable for not only including multiple Halo references (Jay being a fan) but also including some truly fucked-up content that will be covered in later subsections. From 5-year-olds with sadomasochism fetishes to references to Nazism, Jay's body of work had it all. Throw in some CWC-isms all his own (such as "By Blossom!" rather than "Oh my god!"; calling himself "Hero 1" and any GF he had "Hero 2") and you have a cow that people were viewing as one of the goddamned funniest since Chris.

Paired with Jay's brash, abrasive personality, massive ego, gigantic hate-boner for his brother, and clear abusive and antisocial tendencies, Jay gaining a thread on the Farms given the above was an inevitability, and users looked on in rapt attention as more coverage of Jay's stuff filtered in.

Part the Second: Analysis
Jay wouldn't keep the Farms waiting long - less than a week after his thread went up, he would create an account on the Farms and like many cows before and after him, march straight into the devil's mouth to defend himself against those rascally Kiwis. This would go as well as those attempts did, but with Jay was undaunted and continued to fight the Kiwis in their own court while taking various questions from different users.

Things gradually went from simply sperging to rather disturbing, however, in short order: whilst there was some hope that Jay would become an heir-apparent to Gonterman (a lolcow who was in on the joke, as it were), this did not pan out when more and more severely fucked-up shit began to emerge in Jay's profile that ticked off more than a few alarm bells in the heads of onlookers.

For one, he would constantly go on about his fetishes, which included inflicting pain, feet, and the Powerpuff Girls. Jay was incredibly sexually attracted to Blossom and often drew fanart of him dating and/or married to an obvious expy of her named Amanda. Hero Team, in particular, features Jay constantly engaging in sexual intercourse with Amanda - often graphically, as well as Amanda schlicking to his manliness.

His OC in Myth of the Legendary Warrior, while somewhat more reserved, shares his love of sadism and feet, on a five-year-old character.

Multiple other bizarre examples of sexual pathology emerged in his comic, Hero Team; including one in which an overweight, Cartman-inspired woman murders some guy in cold blood then rapes his corpse.

Oh, and he really wanted fan-art of this scene:

Jay Geis said:

What EXACTLY she is doing, is left up to interpretation. Therefore, this is NOT explicit enough to be labeled "Porn" (Refer to Pages 27-29, a very similar case, particularly one meant to directly test the bounds between "cinematic sex scene" and outright "porn"). As back then, I utilize the same methods public movies use to show sex scenes while NOT becoming outlawed "Porn".* (I still wouldn't mind reading/hearing/seeing what your curious imaginations DO envision her doing...

Between the fap-posts he made towards Blossom fanart, and his content in both Myth of the Legendary Warrior and Hero Team, many on the Farms suspected Jay was a pedophile, especially when one canny Kiwi Operative discovered a blog post wherein Jay described an incident colloquially called "The Christmas Post." The post covered an incident in which Jay was at a pinball arcade and wound up coming dangerously close to groping a small child. For many, this was the proof that Jay was a pedophile, or at least one in the making, though many instead argued that Jay wasn't and was simply that stupid:

It's no exaggeration to say that Jay's bizarre fetishes kept bleeding through in every area he posted, however. He claimed (and still claims) that he has a "hyperactive sex drive," which for Jay translates to fapping a dozen or more times per day.

He had a bizarre love of girls stepping on jellyfish, delivering cunt punts to, and performing all other matter of sadistict sexual deviancy. Soon a noted hatred of animals emerged and a lot of Kiwis began to murmur about Jay's psychological state; he tripped more than a few warning signs of psychopathy, and several other aspects of his personality added to their concerns. Jay constantly sperged about his hatred of animals and is on record on multiple occasions screaming about how they are inferior to him and unnecessary, and wants to kill them all. On the rare occasion he's run into someone with a sick/dead pet, his responses have been the stuff of legends:

Is now a good time to bring up that he bragged about killing squirrels with a shotgun IRL?

Jay also has the unnerving tendency to refer to other people as "NPCs," "Peasants," or "Commoners," as if people other than Jay were simply unimportant. His love of sadism turned out to color much of his actions, and in due time, it would come out that Jay, surprising many, had a girlfriend, and indeed, fittingly enough, he treated her exceptionally badly. Many interesting details about Jay's life would come out as a result of this girlfriend becoming a Kiwi herself (@GamerGirl140) and explaining that for all his chest-thumping, Jay was a gigantic coward due to his insanely coddled upbringing (having once faked a stroke in order to get out of riding a comparatively mild roller coaster with her), hilariously shallow, and constantly emotionally abusive. Jay would ultimately be willing to ditch his GF the second he thought he could do better, an event that was ultimately manipulated by @Dynastia in the event that caused him to first assume his true form and widely is regarded as the fucking funniest thing this forum saw for weeks.

In this incident, Dyne exploited Jay's own nature, successfully got him to ditch his girlfriend to hook up with him, then revealed the obvious, much to Jay's now-ex-girlfriend's considerable amusement and Jay's abject horror. This, in turn, led to Jay creating a faux-girlfriend, and holy shit you guys should seriously read Jay's old subforum.

Amidst all the Autism of covering Jay, there was some legitimately good content created during this time based on Jay and his works. For example, Myth of the Legendary Warrior, as a deconstruction, comes across as the tale of one guy who while trying to be a hero fucks everything up beyond repair, and the death of the cat in the same comic led to a spinoff drawn by several Kiwis covering the misadventures of the cat, now a hero in their own right, brought back to life with cybernetics and determined to carve his own path, named Catsworth.

Part the Fouth: The Streams and the Background of Jay
While Jay was rapidly getting a reputation as not only a gigantic lolcow, but potentially nucking futs on top of it, several enterprising Kiwis wanted to know more.

Many Kiwis leapt at the chance to engage Jay in his video game streams, hoping to discern some insight into him and maybe have a good time in the process. Unfortunately, they hit quite a few snags; Jay retreats from anything that takes him out of his comfort zone; during horror game streams Jay had to be repeatedly browbeaten by the chat to not immediately quit. Similarly, when Jay lost matches in TF2, he would quickly retreat to training mode where he could murder bots and satisfy his urges for easy wins without consequence. He carried with him this belief that the only fair fight he could engage in was one where he was likely to win; many Kiwis espoused the belief that this is part of his bizarre relationship with his mom and being completely isolated from hardship or responsibility prior to running into the Farms. He routinely plays games with godmode activated and has no patience for games that take actual skill or practice.

Seriously, he'd sperg out hard if he couldn't godmode through.

Unfortunately, this also means that Jay's streams were often unspeakably dull unless Kiwis were fucking with him or interacting with him; many of his streams were *only* entertaining because of the presence of these serial shit-stirrers, either in-game or chat, desperate to make fucking anything happen. Legit good streams with Jay were few and far between, owing to his need to feel more powerful than others. His streaming the Sims, for example, and controlling his E-Girlfriend's every action, for example, was a really disturbing look into his psyche. Only once was a major trolling operation carried out, specifically when a Kiwi operative demolished a statue he created of Blossom in Minecraft.

Unfortunately that incident basically spelled the end of Jay's actually entertaining streams.

As Jay's conflicts with the Farms continued to escalate (with Jay pre-emptively declaring victory against his trolls), a disparate theory on Jay began to emerge: Was his seeming psychopathy and pedophilia his own doing, or the result of parenting that would make Barbara Chandler's seem stable by comparison? Jay was maladjusted, isolated, socially exceptional, and had almost no grasp of basic human behavior, having been coddled his entire life, so it's very possible that Jay's legendarily bad behavior wasn't completely his own doing - between things like financing Jay's self-publishing operation for Myth of the Legendary Warrior and rendering him completely dependent, one had to acknowledge that Jay's mom owned huge amounts of culpability, going so far as to encourage Jay's hatred of his brother for something completely asinine: Destroying a school project. It's unclear why any parent would allow Jay to maintain such a formidable rage against his brother, nor allow it to be enshrined in comic format, but that's Jay Geis' mom for you.

Many Kiwis tried to talk sense to Jay, and failed, proving the old adage that you can't help someone who cannot help themselves. Sometimes, rarely, some Kiwi or another would get through to him, and he'd show genuine remorse and sometimes even a desire to reform.

What makes a Lolcow a Lolcow, however, is hubris, and no matter how resoundingly Jay would take to heart what he was told, Jay wouldn't stay better for long. The longest that any contrition on his end lasted was for about 2 days, when he initially seemed to be giving his advice the old college try, only to suddenly become completely recalcitrant and came back, after his comparative quiescence, about twice as crazy as before, before simmering down to a slow burn.

Part the Fourth: The Death and Death of the Golden Knight
Over time, Jay's fights with the Farms took their toll. Despite declaring war on the Farms, Jay was ground down, putting out less and less content, and replying less and less. He ultimately tried the biggest, most hail-mary tactic available to Lolcows to date: Faking his own death. The fact that he was previously established to having faked a stroke to get out of going on a ride didn't help matters, but the fact that he did this after posting that he had achieved victory over everyone who had ever harmed him was nothing short of fucking hilarious.

Humorously, his doing this renewed interest in him for weeks; Jay's visibility was way down thanks to burgeoning lolcow singularity events (such as Gamergate) and the explosion of Tumblr and Rat King cows. Had he simply calmed his tits, shit would have descended into spergatory, but Jay doing this ensured he got covered for the next few months. This continued until inevitably, eager to ditch his online reputation, Jay deleted fucking everything, and vanished into the night. Many hoped that Jay would simply fade from memory, especially those who had tried to reason with him in the past.

You're reading this thread, so I'm fairly sure you can determine how well that worked in turn.

Part the Fifth: The Platinum Paladin Rides Again
In early 2018, the Kiwi Farms were approached by members of the South Park fandom regarding Jay, who apparently had been creating quite a stir and gotten himself banned from several communities for ill behavior, and came to us to share news of his recent re-emergence, which other Kiwis also chimed in on. Jay also got his current e-girlfriend to try to run interference on us, only to learn that not only did we still have his archived subforum, but that we were keeping constant tabs on Jay.

So, I went off the grid for a few years. It's a long story, and there's a lot to report on that. This lecture contains sensitive subject matter, so be aware, I suggest steeling yourself.

Back in 2014, I learned what it was like on the receiving end of "cyber abuse". It felt something like this video:

In fact, if I could lock down a bridge for a few minutes (30 minutes tops) and find a friend who can work a camera, I'd like to film a live action reenactment of that scene.

For one example, those abusers said I died or "faked my own death", and that's total BS. I simply disappeared, unceremoniously going "off the grid". For someone who likes being the center of attention, you'd be surprised how easily I can just disappear. But to give credit where it's due, I did have some growing-up to do, which is part of why I left. Now, I'm gotten numbed to it. I'm used to having dirt floating around whenever someone puts my name into Google. That means there won't be any dramatic reactions out of me. In fact, I think any celebrity or public figure would have to deal with the same problem, specifically including President Donald Trump (more about him coming up). The short about Trump is, he helped to teach me you shouldn't hide from it.

I tried coming back under a different handle to stay covert, but a friend of mine accidentally blew my cover. That's when I realized, "What's the point in hiding?" Plus, now, between Matt Stone and Trey Parker - as well as President Donald Trump - I have something that I didn't have back then: an example to follow. Seriously, if there's one thing South Park taught me, it's that you really can make a joke out of anything. And specifically, rape (including child rape) is the example, not the exception. To prove my point, look up episodes such as "It's a Jersey Thing", "Erection Day", "The Ring", and the video game "The Stick of Truth". You can even go all the way back to the first official episode "Cartman gets an Anal Probe" where aliens abduct Eric Cartman and do what all stereotypical aliens do (yet these also go the extra mile). Basically, South Park taught me to get bold with my storytelling, and don't be afraid of tackling taboos. For all the bullies' accusations, nothing I've written has ever been any more egregious than some of the stories they put to air. The closest they've ever got to a "banned episode" was "200", "201", and "Super Best Friends". And that wasn't because of direct government censorship or bullies; that was because of actual Real Life terrorism threats. Even then, after the threatening individuals were properly captured and punished, those "banned episodes" can still be found if you know where to look. So the terrorists have lost. My final point is, I'm not saying all the example episodes listed here are good or bad; I'm saying Matt and Trey are still alive and free men (plus they're cultural icons, at that). For all they've successfully done, that's the example I wish to follow as a writer. After the arguing ends and the dust settles, with South Park and my own works, it's just a cartoon.

So while exploring South Park and its adorable art style, I made an OC. Let's call him Dick. Snicker all you want, that's kinda the point. Dick does a great job at illustrating the damage done. These abusing bullies wanted something funny (that they can make fun of), but what they got was something sad. I might reveal the specifics, but right now, know that it's about as much of a punch to the gut as Spec Ops: The Line (or Heidi's abusive relationship in Season 21, highlighted in Episode 2). So yeah, these past few years have left me very weathered (which I think shows in the sharpening of my figurative bite), but Dick has done well for my health because he makes a great vessel for venting my frustrations through (nobody's going to care if anyone takes it out on a cartoon character - as I said, it's just a cartoon) (and that is the one emotion that has been the theme of my life...many would say theirs was anxiety, or depression; mine is frustration). Also, on this alternate account of mine, I toyed with a series inspired by the older seasons of South Park (albeit slightly more mean-spirited), and it's set in the same world as my old Hero Team webcomic...just in the future. Speaking of Hero Team, if I could find someone who'd be willing to work with me and draw, I'd be fine bringing back that old webcomic should I be allowed to just write for it and pass on the drawing to somebody else. Specifically, it would have to be someone I can trust. These past few years have damaged my ability to take things at face value. And today is, again, the example, not the exception. For those in Russia or Australia (arguably even in England), sorry I'm late with this.

For the past year and a half, I've had a steady, stable job. I work at a gun range! Can you believe it?! Maybe I'll get a promotion in another year or two. I already got a raise this past January. That said, we're still in a depression recession, and even with Donald Trump's talents for moneymaking in our national office, I still feel it hasn't quite yet trickled down to the entry-level. Meaning I feel lucky I even have this job at all; plenty of other 20s young adults are struggling (or failing) to make ends meet, too. But I haven't given up on my dreams yet. I still dream of being a hero, a star, or both.

Myth of the Legendary Warrior news: The third book is actually done. Yes, the whole "Pilot Epic" storyline has been finished, and it's all on paper. For the most part, I'm just waiting on copyright registration before I plot my next move. Bad news is, it seriously did not catch on enough to garner a living wage. Ah well, I'm fine with keeping it as a hobby I do "when I feel like it", instead of having to work whether or not I find that special creative spark.

I'm still single, and I've learned a lot about common humans (I cite OKCupid, POF, and eHarmony as my sources). They all want their clowns (specifically "Sarcasm") and their pets. Both points irritate me with how common (and equally incompatible) they are. They're afraid of losing friends from supporting gay rights, when in my experience, you're more likely to lose friends from supporting gun rights. No lady in my generation is interested in a "knight in shining armor" (and definitely not a wannabe or a dreamer). The few that attempted to say otherwise were proven liars back around 2014, part of the reason I can't trust easily and why I disappeared. The truth is, I've given up on the search.

In conclusion, no I am not dead, but man I've been through a lot! It's sometimes hard to talk about in-person (like with my family) because we don't "think on the same wavelength" (figuratively), and when I try to explain it, I just come across as awkward. But personal damages notwithstanding, that's the magic of the Internet: you can be the person you want to be, not the person you have to be. And I've always wanted to be a badass hero - if not thehero, just like (almost) every video game protagonist ever. The best part about the Internet is, I can find others who either somewhat agree with the way I think, or can at least pretend they do. What to take away from this microscopic autobiography? If there's any one thing I learned "the hard way", be sure to (figuratively) take things with a grain of salt. I am the example, not the exception.

Still pretending to have medical problems to get out of stressful situations:

Still a fucking prince when it comes to animals:

Every time you think it's going to get worse, it gets better - Jay recently detailed his desire to become a border patrol officer so he could protect Trump's glorious wall and shoot "ghetto trash."

Jay Geis said:

If anyone wants to pry into my personal life, I do have a test scheduled Tuesday (my day off), that's for a government job. It's still only like Step 2 out of 7 or 9 parts to the application, but if it all goes well, I could have myself a full-time living that'll even get me out of the hellhole called Maryland (Scratch that; Maryland isn't so bad...if you're a PC pansy or ghetto trash). I don't see why I would need to keep the details a secret (unless you're superstitious and think I'll be jinxing myself, but I believe in destiny), so I applied to work for the USA's CBP, which in peasants' terms, is Border Patrol. It's no XCOM, specifically as it's technically listed as "Law Enforcement". But so long as I can get past the athletic rigamarole, I can always find a home wherever there's a need for hunting crooks (specifically unlike most "civil servant" openings for conventional cops). Besides, the Great Wall of Trump is coming along, and they're going to need bodies to monitor it when it's done. I would be eager to contribute to that!

The best part is, not only is this a direct hire (no contractor middleman), but from the looks of it, the Pay-Grade 5 (or even 7) does NOT require previous work experience! If that dream is true, then my 3.4 College GPA should be good enough to at least give me a shot (pun intended). But the real icing on the cake is that choice locations for work include Texas and Arizona. For anyone that knows me personally, I've always wanted to go to Texas for one passionate reason: legend has it that's THE Land of Open Carry!

No luck with a girl so far, but who knows (and I'm specifically talking about a REAL girl; sure I depict myself as a cartoon character, but that's because I'm practically a cartoon character stuck IN REAL LIFE! I am a REAL human boy!). I mentioned I believe in destiny, meaning if it's supposed to happen, it'll happen. And if not, it's all part of whatever hypothetical God and its plan TO ENJOY MY SUFFERING! to test the mettle of each mortal, big and small. On a big tangent, the book I read "The Grand Design" gave me a bit of an existential crisis, with how Stephen Hawking predicts the beginning of all known time and explains how there's no need for a God to set existence into motion. Plus, analyzing that with a theory of a "logical progression of events" throughout history that can sometimes be projected to the future...made me reach the belief that everything is set in stone, even the future...it's just we stupid peasants commoners don't have the means of always predicting that future with full accuracy. That's what I mean by destiny.
But to go back to my search for cuddling with a cute yet tough 20-something girl, well...if you know anyone who's in driving distance from the Mexican Border along Texas or Arizona, let them know to keep me in mind within the next year or so.

From my past, none of the liars could last more than a few days, so this is going to be a REAL 'test of time'.

One last thing...I can't believe it's been a month that I hung around. And in another month and a couple days, it'll be my birthday. That'll be the best time to either show me some love, or love-to-hate, depending on your own personal cruelty.

TL;DR: Jay is a classic lolcow with a bunch of depraved new twists, made all the funnier by the fact that he thought he escaped us originally and was found because he wouldn't shut the fuck up about doing so. I can't say for sure whether it's worth it to revive his subforum or not, but he sure as shit can sustain a thread.

One-Star Hero

I'd like to start that the beginning of his "Christmas post" scares the shit out of me. I mean, Jesus on a pogostick, he was that excited to announce to the internet that he touched a fucking child, which he knew people would "take out of context".

Minnesota Man

This is something an member of the old guard wouldn't expect. OP, this may as well be the best thing you've given us with these long ass post you make. If Jay hasn't learned anything, we can all expect to see more from him unless he actually knows how not to attract attention.

Resident KF Transformers Expert

Ah yes, Jay Geis, the Golden Trashcan (among many, many other fun nicknames we came up for him). This guy is noteworthy purely because he's actually one of the first original lolcows that required a dedicated subforum back when this website was still cwcforums, prior to the Kiwi Farms rebranding.

That is special brand of infantile insanity has returned for all to enjoy is truly going to be a marvel to behold.

As I've seen this odd and original Lolcow has come back from the dead. For a while, on my own part of the South Park fandom, he seemed to be an odd fellow. After seeing of how much of an actual Trashcan he is, I just felt like Jesus he's indeed much worse than expected. Time will just tell though as if he sees this, and if he will end up shit posting about it.

The Christmas Party story is that right balance of discomfort and innocence that captures the best of Golden Knight.

His shift to digital art is his greatest downfall imo. With some better writing, he couldve easily passed off his crayon doodles as tongue-in-cheek homages to the 5 year old scribbles kids draw in school. The way it is now, Jay's art is just generic DeviantArt affair.

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"Atchison also allegedly frequented the Daily Stormer, the racist alt-right’s most notorious website, in addition to other known online communities favored by the alt-right, such as EncyclopediaDramatica, Kiwi Farms, 4chan and various videogame forums."