Two and half years ago I wrote the post below this one dated February 28, 2011, discussing how I am dedicated to making this happen. Now, August 13, 2013, I am less than 4 weeks from scheduled bariatric sleeve surgery and I'm still not convinced I need it and/or it's the best path.

i've been on spark for many years, coming and going. i've also been to three bariatric seminars in the last three years. walking out of each one telling myself i can do it on my own. now that surgery ...

Two and half years ago I wrote the post below this one dated February 28, 2011, discussing how I am dedicated to making this happen. Now, August 13, 2013, I am less than 4 weeks from scheduled bariatric sleeve surgery and I'm still not convinced I need it and/or it's the best path.

i've been on spark for many years, coming and going. i've also been to three bariatric seminars in the last three years. walking out of each one telling myself i can do it on my own. now that surgery has been approved, i've rescheduled it three times and am getting ready to bump my september 9th date out even further. something is holding me back. i don't know what it is. most people would jump at this opportunity. my out-of-pocket $ is met for the year and my co-pay will be $0. i'm finding it difficult to wrap my head around having a portion of my stomach cut out to keep me from eating too much. and, why doesn't anyone address that if we eat until we're full due to our little "disorder" that we will continue to seek this out even after surgery? won't doing that just make me gain weight again?

and, what is with the teacher for my "weight loss" class being so overweight herself? clearly she's not a success story. she has had bypass and two years ago had a band put in to deal with her regain. there are just SO many people out there who regain it - now the new thing is the "revision". well, let me tell you about revisions.... i guess that's more of a blog than an introduction.

in short, i coudl use some advice. anyone????

i think it's wonderful so many people have had such great success with this. i applaud your dedication and commitment. is there anyone out there who is having concerns like mine? it would be helpful for me to know if i'm alone or not. any input appreciated!

2/28/2011

Back from Jamaica - 5 lbs. heavier than when I left. Bloated from salt and drinks - and disgusted with how easy it is to fall back into bad patterns!

New profile pic selected not because it depicts how much blubber I have on my body (even my head is fat!) - but moreso because it shows me climbing a 1000 foot waterfall. Now, I ask myself... Why the he** can I climb a 1000 foot waterfall - in a freaking bathing suit - in front of 100's of people - but I can't stop putting food into my mouth?!?!?

So, this picture is my new flag.... I made it up that freaking waterfall - and I will make it up this ladder of life to a normal weight. I accepted help to get up the waterfall. I have to accept help to lose weight. I used all my strength to get up the waterfall. I have to use all my strength to lose weight.

I CAN accomplish whatever I want - but, I have to want it bad enough.

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9/28/2010

I got up and realized I've been feeding myself a line of bullsh** so huge I can't fathom someone around me didn't smack me upside the head.

Who do I think I'm kidding....... Oh yeah, I'm working on getting healthy. Funny thing, i forgot that involves more than having a spark page and spinning the wheel every morning. It actually involves real work!

I'm 47 years old - and pushing 50 hard and fast. My lifestyle is full of many things I shouldn't be doing... including going out to eat and partying too much. I'm blessed with wonderful family, great friends and a full, rich life I wouldn't trade for the world. I party too much, laugh hard and often, love with all of my being and would give my last breath for those I care about.

I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. This means I have to find a balance between the two. There is a way to do it.... it may not be the book defined "right" way .... but, after all these years I've come to realize I am never going to accomplish that.

I am going to find "my way". A way to stick to this, lose the 75 lbs. that will make me feel far less terrible about myself and get my fat a** off the couch.

Doing so well for a few months........ and watching myself slide down while denying the slide is yet another awakening in this sometimes horrible journey. What was I thinking? Who am I kidding? Why the he** can't I figure out how to do this and just get it done?!!?

So, here I am - almost one whole year after starting... and starting again. All I can say is I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I'm not writing the same thing another year from now.

I have two kids, three dogs, parents who live six blocks from me (and love the unannounced pop-in), a full-time job selling real estate (full-time with not much pay lately), a very small charity organization, am working on getting my motorcycle license, an average home surrounded by people who think they are much more than they are, I can absolutely make time to exercise and focus on myself - and if you asked anyone to sum me up in a few words - they would say I am real and have a lack of tolerance for bullsh**.

(So, why have I been able to bullsh** myself when it comes to health and what I'm shoving down my gullet? For the life of me, I can't figure it out!)

Time to get this party started..... again!

(i just spent 30 minutes trying to pick a color for the background of this page.... perhaps i could have spent 30 mins walking around the block? maybe this is part of my problem! :)

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written December 29, 2009

Tomorrow never comes when it's the day you're going to start getting healthy and you've made a habit out of years of saying "i'll start tomorrow". It's three months since I started this - and I still believe that's the most true thing in the world. I've not met my first goal - but I won't let it be an excuse to "start tomorrow" yet again.

I've been fat my whole life. I say "fat" because that's what is resting on my legs as i sit here and type, and that's what is under my chin in every picture that's taken of me! I'm just really tired of being fat - and nothing is going to fix it but me.

I've lost 75 lbs. plus at least six times in my life. Looked good - felt great. Didn't do it the right way any of those times. Always used the diet pill crutch. This time no crutch - AND i may actually get my big butt off the couch and move a little - besides walking to the refrigerator :)

I'm looking forward to this journey not only as a way to be healthier, but also to be able to walk through a crowd and not feel like the fatted calf and a way to learn why i do this to myself.

I hope to make a few friends along the way - and wish everyone the best in their journey, also!

love your waterfall story. it clicked for me. i know its true i want it...but i guess not bad enough yet. im on a strick meal plan for med reasons and its so had this is the frist week i blew it last night but im going to try harder today. thank you your blogs always get me moving

Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving such a nice compliment! I would like to suggest, regarding carbs, that you be careful about following those doctors orders too closely. Your body needs carbs to function, they are the "fuel" for your "gas tank" as it were. I'm DIABETIC and I'm still supposed to have 40 grams of carbs *per meal*. It is true, we're talking mostly complex carbs here, not as much sugars, but even sugar is not outlawed, contrary to popular belief. I can have a cup of ice cream sometimes, guilt free, as long as I plan for it. Carbs are not the devil. Just restrict your calories (I've been doing 1500-1800 all year), and move as much as you can and "Be patient, be persistent, and be kind to yourself". All of those 3 things are important. That is the most important piece of advice I can give you. That and this...learn how to treat food simply as food to fuel your body. It needs to be nutritious and should definitely be tasty, but, ultimately it is just fuel and nothing else. Hope I could be of help some more. Down 110 pounds now!