A few months ago, it was unimaginable. To take photos of the Bangsamoro Islamic Armed Forces (BIAF) of the MILF. These photos were taken during the Grand Kanduli, a thanksgiving celebration for the possibility of peace, which I happened to witness yesterday in Maguindanao.

Learning about what went behind the preparations makes it 10x more of what it already is. I thank all the people who made it happen, people who think outside the box, and understand justice, imposition and trust.

To everyone who stand for peace, you are a gift of god.

Scout Rangers

And Mister Army joined us 😀

600 of them

It was not a show of force. It was a show of slowly building trust.

I regret that I didn’t see the Army and the BIAF eating together, armed, but only eating.

As we were waiting for a delayed flight, Abel asked me and Jade if we have games on our laptops. He also asked if he could take a photo of me using “my” camera.

photo by Abel

The previous night I was telling Helen that I particularly requested to be reassigned out of San Carlos (besides reasons of schedule conflict), where I had left quite good relationships. Part of me wants to go back; yet part of me wants to crystallize the perfectness of the whole experience. “You sound traumatized.” “From where?” “From relating to people, in general.”

Whenever I get emotionally invested (in anything), I get scarred. Is that why we ought to be detached so our desires won’t get in the way? If there was anything I found really challenging in Tao, it was

Know the personal, but keep to the impersonal.

I envy Abel and how he could make friends along the way without the fear of falling for or missing a stranger, or getting hurt by her. I envy that he didn’t fear being rejected, abducted, ignored, to be uncomfortable, or to be taken advantage of, or for people to think he’s weird, invasive, annoying, intimidating.

I’ve always believed that my acting as a bitch helps me filter out people who have no capacity to look beyond. Wearing skimpy clothes and acting like a slut who can be screwed anytime reveals more of others’ motivations, not to mention weaknesses that they do nothing about.

There are just a few points I’d like to highlight in this post (which I don’t normally do for the fear of confusing and boring you).

1. On Motivations. It’s a normal thing to find people looking at you, one yes to appreciate (which is totally fine); and second to ogle. Can someone who cannot even control his eye movement be trusted with his insatiable predatory thing? Again, it’s normal, expected, given. Yet I never knew that an in-your-face hurts twice as much.

2. On looking beyond. Last night I was having one of my deepest conversations with Prinzel, and experienced how foundational differences could really crack our heads while trying to understand what the other person says. In a long-running relationship, we don’t necessarily have to reach a compromise right then and there; we can continue to know and mold each other as we go on. Isn’t that what they call friendship?

3. On Relation-ality. So there are people who don’t look beyond and only see your boobs. For me, the biggest frustration is not having known someone given an enormous opportunity. All of a sudden, I am haunted again by the feeling that “I do not exist.” Despite my efforts at trying to engage and reveal myself (“because I know that I am a person of value and that I have something valuable to offer the world”), I still feel disconnected.

4. Nonetheless. I would continue to do what I do. In the same way that I’m thankful to Girl C for her call, I thank Prinzel for reassuring that I am not wasting my life (my time and all other investments in trying to help people grow, not because they’re ‘un-grown’, but because people ought to be happy). Apparently, she’s disturbed now and equally feeling disconnected; but I’m sure she has expanded.

5. On a Gentleman. Prinzel was still struggling with strong attraction (largely sexual) for a guy who “functionally” (as opposed to “technically”) has a girlfriend. A guy who gives in to flirtations. No matter how us girls blatantly say, “If you’re not serious just stay away from me. Because if you don’t, I’m gonna be drawn to you. If you don’t know me, don’t act as if you care. I’m freakin’ attracted to you, please refrain from seducing me,” they don’t seem to get the point. And that’s what we will call “taking advantage,” where accepting the implicit offer is more than convenient, practical and pleasurable. But there are still gentlemen out there who say NO. Basic respect, thank you. To the rest, thanks, but no thanks.