The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Osborne Decides To "Focus."

After the disastrous showing by the Tories in the local elections George Osborne, Minister in Charge of Wrecking the British Economy, has decided that what is needed is more "focus." What he was doing before the election is not clear but "focus" doesn't seem to have figured large. We asked him what he means exactly; "Well, as everyone knows, Tory policy is flawless and, if it's unpopular, then that must be because we've not communicated it effectively. If we'd explained more clearly to the peasants in words that they can understand that putting up VAT on hot pasties is vital, that the "Granny Tax" is nothing of the sort but is, in fact, simply a surcharge on people over 65 and that giving rich people tax cuts actually means they'll pay more not less tax, then everything would have been allright. People, I mean common uneducated people, must realise that the only way to save the British economy is to kill it completely. If they were all geniuses like me, they would realise that unemployment, higher national debt and less services are all good things and a clear indication that my economic plan is actually working. I think that what is called for now is a good bout of gay bashing, putting the boot into cripples and undermining democracy. Good old-fashioned Tory fairness in other words."