VINTAGE FABRIC LAMPSHADE Wearing a suit to work was fun for the first half hour, but now you feel like a cardboard replica of every soul-starched moneyhandler who's had an existential funk.

But you can hot-wire the spring in your step and launch a lucrative fashion franchise in one tremendous go by investing in this delightful lampshade.

It will fit onto your head with remarkable ease and as you sashay through Cwmbran people will subconsciously associate the contents of your head with the brilliant filament of a light bulb.

The lampshade market is more specialised than you might think, so investing in a hand-tailored example of the craft will ensure that you are wearing the equivalent of Tom Jones's bathrobe and not Des O' Connor's.

CHINESE FOOD BASKET Where can you swim, metaphorically speaking, in a cocktail of rich widows and women keen to set up luxurious homes?

The answer is wherever the BBC Antiques Roadshow is being filmed. Never has the licence fee been so mightily justified as when the corporation stages events positively designed to instigate affluent matrimony.

Enter the leisure centre, village slaughterhouse, or abandoned nuclear missile silo where the valuation session is taking place with this fine Chinese basket on one arm, and be assured you will leave with one of the better-looking members of the aristocracy on the other.

Do not worry about having to invent exotic chat-up lines while standing in queues. When an heiress inevitably walks up and asks what you put in your basket, raise an eyebrow and reply, "The sweetest thing I can find. Reckon you could fit in?"

This same trick can be performed with the Chinese Calligraphy Cabinet, but it is significantly heavier and $410 more expensive.

HOT BEAR Being hugged by a bear is, as many a failed wilderness survivalist would testify if he had not been tragically separated from his innards, not as enjoyable as it sounds.

But hugging a bear is much more pleasant, especially if lacks claws and instincts to throw your severed limbs in the air like Elizabeth Taylor tossing confetti.

If you have recently been made a High Court judge and are a little frazzled at the end of a long day defending the rights of the common man from venal rascals, this microwavable bear will make you feel cozier than a bottle of claret ever could.

Its internal organs consist of a sack of wheat which can be heated in an oven and then put back into the bear. Hugging it will make warmth radiate through your arms and beyond and instil the type of intense feeling of security and benevolence which first motivated you to lock up the nation's scoundrels.

Who would have thought a toy bear could make Wales a safer nation? You might wish to call your memoirs Roar and Order.