Huge if true: iPhone 8 will feature 3D selfies, rodent defibrillator

Set aside rational thought, it's Apple click-click story time

With the exciting news that Apple is going to hold a conference in June where it will announce new products – only the 15th time it has done so since 2003 – we felt it was time to write down some wild speculation because, like lemmings, you will click on it and we make money when you do.

Of course the big news is that June will see the launch of the new iPhone – the iPhone 8 – or is that the IPHONE X!!!!!!! It's going to be the 10th anniversary of this world-changing device (and X is 10 in Roman numerals!!!!) and that means Apple simply must roll out some mind-blowing technology that has never existed before in the entire world, except last year's Samsung.

You will have heard about the rumor reported by The Verge which found out about it from Apple Insider which had been leaked a report from analyst Ming-Chi Kuo, who is literally never wrong, that Apple is going to get rid of the Home button altogether.

Amazingly, Apple appears to have invented a way to incorporate fingerprint detection into a large display – and one that is able to be pressed as well. This is something that has literally never existed before. In the iPhone.

And Ming-Chi Kuo, who is never wrong, has also said the new phone will have wireless charging – which is some serious Star Trek shit that has never been done before outside the Galaxy, Lumia, Nexus, Moto Z or Priv.

New features

But that's not all. The new phone will be able to do face recognition using – get this – lasers. There has literally never been the ability to scan a face for characteristics using what is basically pointy light. Ever.

And what does that mean? That's right: 3D selfies. Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel is expected to appear on stage as a special guest and outline his company's new moustache technology that will take that 3D selfie image and make a moustache appear on your face in three dimensions. Thanks to the new iPhone, the old days of 2D fake-looking filters will be a thing of the past: from now on, it will look fake-real.

But that's not all. Analyst Wat-He Fuk has uncovered a patent application filed by an Apple subsidiary in Singapore that will enable the iPhone's new AirPod earphones to act as a defibrillator.

A new X1 chip using advanced taptic technology will be triggered with a command on the iPhone X's home screen to deliver a voltage spike of up to 45V to the AirPod. This is sufficiently strong to restart the heart of almost any rodent, including moles, hamsters, gerbils, chinchillas, and even lowland pacas.

Apple has reportedly solved the issue of users accidentally exploding their own eardrums when pressing play on their device by using the earphones' internal gyroscope to ascertain when they are placed on a small mammal, and moving the defibrillator button to the other side of the menu from the play button. A deal with the International Zoological Foundation will be announced on stage at the McEnery Convention Center.

Gutsy, daring

Following Apple's courageous decision to get rid of the 3.5mm earphone jack on the iPhone 7, the company is reportedly going full fearless on the iPhone X by removing both speaker and microphone from the device.

It will move both to the new generation of AirPods and use the extra space in the phone to incorporate a new proximity chip that will recognize all other Apple-approved products within 100 feet while studiously ignoring any that aren't.

The chip is expected to open a whole new world of interactivity between Apple and Apple-approved devices. Top exec Eddy Cue is expected to give a live demo of how your phone will be able to turn on your TV and play your favorite music as you walk into your house, assuming you have an Apple TV and Apple-approved music device and no one else in the house is using them at the same time and you have the settings set correctly.

Talking of Apple execs, the company is expected to give away with each new iPhone X a limited-edition and collectible print of one of the company's 11 key executives. Each picture – whether CEO Tim Cook, SVP of hardware Dan Riccio or COO Jeff Williams – has been hand-designed by Jonny Ive using the latest in etching techniques and will be printed on indestructible sapphire.

A prototype of one of the pictures was spotted at Apple's manufacturing plant in China and a video leaked online appeared to show the sapphire disc run a short-loop of software SVP Craig Federighi scratching his head in what one witness described as "like something out of Harry Potter."

Thin

The new iPhone X will also be Apple's thinnest ever phone, moving from the iPhone 7's 7.1mm thickness to an incredible 6.9mm – something that Apple internally calls the "TT" or "tight trouser" thickness and represents an extraordinary leap in tight-trouser technology.

Internal test results show that the extra thinness has been achieved with only a minimal loss in battery life: from 4 hours standby to a still-incredible 3 hours standby. Apple is expected to sell a new flat charging station called, simply, The Charger for $99.

And lastly, Apple CEO Tim Cook himself is expected to announce that the iPhone X will be the first phone to include end-to-end encryption for all apps and all phone functions, providing a level of security unmatched by any other phone. For just $9.99 a month.

The iPhone itself is expected to be approximately 2mm larger on the sides and 1mm larger at the top, 0.5mm larger on the bottom and will cost $999.99. ®