Thank you so much guys for your words and support. I was fearful that I might have guys telling me what kind of a major scumbag I am, and certainly - that is how I often feel. To know that it is something that has happened and that there is some hope for it to stop if I put in the effort and take the steps to heal, is profound.

Lee - your notion that it might be related to being in a position of power for once is so interesting to me. I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but if you really look at it closely, in those moments - we certainly are in a position of power. I never play the powerful role in those interactions - meaning I obey and the follow the lead - but everything before that, I am in control of what they access to. Really interesting.

Thank you so much guys for your words and support. I was fearful that I might have guys telling me what kind of a major scumbag I am, and certainly - that is how I often feel. To know that it is something that has happened and that there is some hope for it to stop if I put in the effort and take the steps to heal, is profound.

Lee - your notion that it might be related to being in a position of power for once is so interesting to me. I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but if you really look at it closely, in those moments - we certainly are in a position of power. I never play the powerful role in those interactions - meaning I obey and the follow the lead - but everything before that, I am in control of what they access to. Really interesting.

I can relate in my own way. I opened up my own can of worms with online escort ads (and some other stuff.) There is an addiction that takes over when trying to make contact. I am working on this issue and need to change. I am not currently in a relationship, but I would like to be in one some day, in a situation where there was love and affection and caring, and honestly my behaviors do not match well with what I would more ultimately want. Thanks for sharing and take care of this issue so that you can be the person you want to be.

I just have to add something. I am SO IMPRESSED that you owned all this stuff straight-up. That's damn brave of you. You're a good person, and your courage will serve you and your wife, if/when you get married, and your children if/when you have them. I know some survivors of CSA who felt worried that they couldn't or shouldn't have children or be in a committed relationship, because of what they might do/who they might become/or what truth might come out.

I think for myself I thought that nothing would be more painful than accepting the truth, not of what happened to me, but about the stuff I did. The shameful, disgusting blah blah blah shit I did. But the truth is that, while it was hard to be honest, it was MUCH harder to keep it hidden and to live with the weight of guilt and shame. That burden is one you can do without, brother.

Take care. You're on the right path. And as I said before, I admire the hell out of your courage. Keep it up!

I'm trying to put barriers in the way. And really it is only an issue when I have been drinking. So I am working on that issue as well. Mostly nothing happens, other then sending texts out. But some lines have been crossed. Basically it is a behavior I don't want to engage in, yet find myself doing it "again". Another thing I am trying to do is get my life together, create some sort of meaning if you will. I think a big part of my problem was that for so many years I did not really make anything out of life, just skated along trying to get by day to day. But for me, as things started to get better, when I realized I was capable of much more, there was also the realization that I sort of wasted a lot of time just getting by. So yeah, trying to step things up a bit and maybe catch up a little if you will, but also have some bad habits that need to be addressed along the way. This stuff can be hard as you get older because it steered your life for so many years. Hard to let go of what was lost, but I also clearly see numbing oneself from this pain creates potential for more loss down the line - it doesn't really help one dig oneself out of the hole they are in, it really only digs things deeper. So trying to change those things. Some stuff is better, but still room to improve. I had some ideas though, things I can focus on. I have not given up on that.

Good luck, brother. I'm amazed at how you're writing about this in such a straight-forward way. Just don't beat yourself up about it. I mean, what's done is done. CSA survivors spend so much time knocking ourselves around. It's important to forgive ourselves. I hope you can get into therapy, if you're not already.Bob

I didn't mean to cut in on your thread. But I could relate. For me, because I am not in a relationship and have issues letting people in, I think I have tried to substitute. But it is a bad road and slippery slope to a real bad place. So looking to change how I have been. Anyway, be easy on yourself. And know that change in a positive direction is going to lead to better outcomes.

Not cutting in at all Eric - if you can post and get something back for yourself on something related or even not - I think that is a good thing.

Robert1000 - thanks for the nice words. I don't feel like a brave or courageous person, in fact just the opposite. It's a fairly toxic issue for me and I was just desperate to put it on the table and at the very least not let it remain as this deep dark poisonous secret.

Providence I am in the EXACT same boat as you, with the only difference for me being that I tend to seek out older women. I know the compulsion to do it, how awesome it feels because "Hey this person wants ME!" and then the total guilt afterward about what you've done. This is probably one of the biggest habits I am hoping to break with therapy, because I know it doesn't do me any good and it only screws up the real happiness in my life and I don't need that fleeting moment when something much better is at home. But it's damn hard to deal with it I agree completely

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