Sunday, November 28, 2010

The End

I've been thinking...I know it's scary, huh?

So anyway, I have been making important decisions lately. Those of you that read this blog know that I have had relationship issues for a while now. I haven't kept that secret well at all. After going through the pretense of "trying to fix" things, I am officially done. As of late, I'm overwhelmed with emotions: anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, fear, and most of all confusion. I am fully aware that I have blogged about this exact same situation on numerous occasions...Fuck off! I need to vent and if this isn't for venting...eat me! I just wish I would have not seemingly wasted time waiting on things to change when they couldn't and didn't. If ever I felt like a failure, now is that moment. No one wants to say "I'm divorced". It hurts. I also am tired of being married to someone who doesn't take responsibility for much of anything. So ultimately every problem that has ever existed is my fault of course. I've never been the kind of person that is vindictive or spiteful. I'm warm hearted and kind. It's something I was once very proud of...now I feel that it may have ultimately led to my demise. Being nice has its disadvantages. The most notable is when people take it for granted that you don't want to hurt them. I've been called names, had my feelings shattered, and been left to feel like it was my own fault. I wish it didn't take me this long to stop being a victim and start being proactive about what I want and what is necessary to go get it! So when I'm asked to give it another try (another = twenty at this point) I will politely decline. From this moment on, I will do what is best for myself, my children and the life we should have.

I keep remembering everyone saying the same things to me over the years, and I never believed it was right. I probably even denied that things were so bad just to continue to prove them wrong in my own mind. Maybe I've matured to the point where I don't mind admitting I may have made some bad decisions. I have always been very emotionally fragile, but recently I grew cold and hurtful. I never wanted to hurt anyone, until I envisioned what it would be like to actually kill someone. Not like "I'm so mad at you...I'm going to kill you", but grabbing knives and chasing after someone. How does a person go from meek and kind to short-tempered and violent? Easy....misery. I warn those of you who mistreat people you feel are weak, they will snap harder than you would ever have thought. I definitely did a few times. I didn't know I had a temper until I was 24. I went my entire young life without fighting, confrontation, or even really arguing....then one day I changed. When I spent time thinking of how bad my temper had become, I realized I needed to change.

So for the past couple of months, I've been working excessively just to make it. I depend on my friends and family more than I ever did when I was married, which might have led to some of my depression then. I am on my own in an official capacity for the first time in my life! I still have help from family and my ex-husband when Sean and Cory are concerned, which makes me wish I had graduated already so I wouldn't work the hours I have to just to pay my bills. Things will become easier as time goes on. I won't have problems sleeping alone. I won't cry for feeling I've wasted my life. I won't constantly worry if I said something wrong, or look stupid or ugly. I will hold my head up high and be HAPPY once again. Ultimately, that's all I've wanted throughout all of this. Just to simply be happy. I want to wake up and greet the day with a smile once again. I know I will...soon.