Tag: funny

So I’ve made it through one full week now. Is the hardest part over? I hope so…

As I am currently living in the family home for the time-being it occurred to me that I really needed to start taking photos of us together off the walls. It was during this de-clutter that I stumbled across a shocking discovery. We had a Haynes Manual of Marriage!

Now this really pissed me off! But it also made me wonder…could it be that the split wasn’t the fault of either of us? Were we victims of DIY manual negligence? Is Haynes Liable…and can I get my money back?

I feel as though I am a cautionary tale that DIY manuals can’t fix everything. I mean they should, right? I had to take a stand before other innocent couples fall foul of this offensive cash-grab. I needed to air my grievance with Haynes. So I set about writing an honest review to email to them. People have to know….

“I have used Haynes manuals for years, starting with my MK2 VW Golf in 2004. They give you the ability to tackle pretty much any repair needed on your vehicle. I totally trust the brand and the accurate, quality information within their manuals. Unfortunately the company have fallen short with this particular DIY guide in the most catastrophic way possible.

“My wife had it given to her as a gift this past Christmas (2016). Just to clarify, this was not a purchase made in order to immediately repair a broken marriage but as a helpful tool to use to ensure we stayed strong. Despite this fact my wife left me last week, out of the blue & with no chance for reconciliation. Thanks Haynes….you bunch of morons have let us down!

“Unlike the car manuals I have used in the past this fell short on so many levels. The attention to detail was just not present – the volume of information fell woefully below acceptable levels. The picture on the front cover is the first giveaway. Since we read it I have ensured that whenever I wash my antique Rolls Royce I do so in my suit and tie and order my wife to stand immediately behind me with “that inane smile you have when you see stupid videos of cats on facebook…WILL YOU GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR 10 SECONDS! I’M TRYING TO HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR CRYSTAL METH ADDICTION” plastered on her face. Unbelievably this only seemed to fuel arguments.

“I take particular offense to the section labelled ‘Depreciation (Men)’. It seems in poor taste for Haynes to highlight my potential short-comings to my wife; she didn’t need to be reminded that I’m an aging, flabby mess. I mean, it’s obvious to anyone with eyes but lets not make that a conscious thought! I’m so used to these manuals making suggestions for ways to FIX problems that I didn’t expect them to look for problems that clearly weren’t there before the book appeared in our lives.

“Commenting on her ‘Spare Tyre’ turned out to be a bad idea also….well done Haynes.

“I am extremely disappointed with the outcome of using this manual – it is not a genuine solution. It almost feels as though the book was written for comedy value. Well I’m not laughing as I sit alone in my pants on my sofa watching repeats of Judge Rinder at 2am on ITV3+1 whilst my wife is out getting hit on by young Greek waiters in places I could never justify paying to take her.

“Please remove this blatantly inaccurate book from sale immediately – and send me a replacement wife, no mail-order brides will be accepted.

Yours,

A most dis-satisfied customer.”

It felt good to get the anger off my chest, but the public are those being maligned…the people need to know!

Amazon held the key…their reviews page gives me the forum to speak the truth! Shit, now I need a pro’s and con’s list as well? Jesus. Well, best get to it…

“Would not recommend

Pros:

* Has that lovely ‘new book’ smell

* Has de-cluttered my house by 50%

* Is available as an e-book

Cons:

* Did not save marriage

* Makes ludicrous suggestions such as talking about your feelings and paying attention to your spouse’s wants and needs

It’s been 6 and a half hours since she did the deed. Here I am in a half-empty pub with 2 friends, surrounded by 70 year old women, sitting in silence whilst listening to the bingo numbers being called in a game we’re not even playing. And if that’s not bad enough, every number that gets called out seems to mock my plight in some cruel and deliberate manner…

“58“ Well that’s clearly the age I’ll next get married…

“29“ Of course, the average number of online dating rejections I will receive on a daily basis…

“Legs 11!“ My wife had legs…

“7“ The frequency per day in which I will now console myself with 15 minutes of ‘casual intimacy’ whilst weeping softly into a balled up pair of socks as Planet Earth plays on in the background through such a well-used Netflix subscription that it would have single-handedly brought down the Blockbuster Video empire in the late 2000’s…

“61“ Nope, got nothing. Fuck you 61! I’m not even important enough to mock now?

But it’s all ok. The numbers really aren’t getting me down that much; life is so much more than passive Bingo. After all, we’d just come 6th in the Pub Quiz! *sigh*

……

I was at work when it happened. A text came through on my phone and for some reason I just knew what it was before I read it. You know when your phone shows you the first three words in a text before you open it? Well mine was “Chris, I’m so…”

Who calls their loved one by name in a text? No normal functioning human being does this unless it’s two things…either a telling off for not replacing the toilet paper on the dispenser (seriously a dick move) or its the preamble to bad news. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that unnecessarily typing the recipients name in a message is the text version of “we need to talk” – nothing good has ever come from reading your name in a text, directed to you, in the history of Nokia 3310’s.

Being dumped by text is not a fantastic experience. It pretty much sucks if you’ve only been in a relationship for 6 months, let alone a 5 year marriage – but that’s how it went down. Out of the blue, whilst I was at work, she’d packed up and left me. In the blink of an eye my life had seemingly gone from domestic bliss to a succession of those GIFs you see of people throwing shit on the floor exclaiming “fuck everything!”

So after I’d read it I put my phone away and composed myself. 15 minutes of staring blankly at my laptop screen followed – trust me, data entry is not that interesting.

There really is no point trying to plough on in these situations, ignoring the fact that a life-changing moment has just occurred. If anything I’m a little disappointed that this was today’s life-changing moment; only three hours before I’d been notified by email that I had been specially chosen to try out a new penile enlargement tablet for only $29.99….now what am I going to do with the extra inches??

I jumped in the car, drove home and found nothing different within the house – nothing to even hint that my wife had packed up and left. That’s a really bizarre feeling to see that my life had halved in value emotionally but that I was cash-rich in terms of Yankee Candles and old DVDs of Prison Break…

So this pretty much brings us full circle. I called a mate of mine and we took my misery to the pub for the night. No idea what life will look like tomorrow but one thing’s for sure, I fucking hate Bingo now!

About me:

So...my wife just left me - yeh, not one of my best days. I have decided to channel some of my frustration, confusion and bewilderment into a blog. I will try to infuse it with a tongue-in-cheek look at the ridiculousness of having to pick up the pieces of my life and start again peppered with dry humour and self-deprecating wit. If this doesn't help you through a similar situation then I hope that it at least makes you smile!
Much love
Chris