Here are 10 quick notes about the opening page, since that's the most important part. A studio reader won't read the whole script if they aren't wowed by the first half page or so. Obviously the story won't become apparent within the first half page, so what they're looking at is to see if it's professionally written. Do they pass on some gems just because of poor format? You bet, but that's the way it is. I know you're making this film yourself, not sending it to studios, but first of all, maybe one day you *will* use it as a sample of your writing, and second, fixing some of these things might help you as you make the film.

Please note: What follows are merely my opinions, I'm not saying these are absolute facts.

1) The planet looks like a zen arcade, with the lights of the cities visible even from outer space. It might just be me, but the description "zen arcade" didn't conjure up any image at all in my mind.

2) Two ASTRONAUTS attempt to repair the telescope, which looks like it was hit by a stray asteroid. It needs a description-- looking at the actual scene we won't understand that it looks like it was hit by an asteroid. Describe it as looking like something smashed into it.

3) The above should also be a new scene. Scene 1 is the view of the earth, scene two is the repairs going on. (Unless the telescope drifts into view during the first scene.)

4) The dialog seems rather convenient and unmotivated. Why are they saying that all of a sudden? Wouldn't they have commented long ago about the nerds? Perhaps the first line could be someone hurrying them up over the radio. That would give them the reason to make their comments. Astronaut #1 would be very polite to the guy on the radio, then as soon as the radio guy is off, he makes his snotty comment about the nerds to Astronaut #2.

5) ... a mysterious SHADOW... A shadow can't be mysterious. The fact that it "creeps" works well enough to set up the mystery. Also, I don't think shadow needs to be in caps.

6) As soon as the shadow crosses the first astronaut's eyes It should be: As soon as the shadow crosses Astronaut #1's eyes (Because as far as this script is concerned, that's the guy's name. Also it makes it more clear.)

7) Instead of (whispered) I would put: (under his breath) or (to himself) The reason is that "whispered" is past tense, but everything should be present tense. You could use whispering, but that makes it sound like he's talking to the other astronaut rather than just thinking out loud.

8) The shadow passes directly over them. Hasn't it been over them ever since it crept over them? Do you mean that it passes and is gone? Or is it still over them? If it's still over them, maybe use: The shadow engulfs them.

9) The next scene is set on the streets of Aeternus, but what is Aeternus? A moon? A planet? And there is no description at all of what the streets are like. Is it a futuristic city? Out in the middle of nowhere? Is there any light-- moonlight, streetlights, etc? Don't assume that the reader will automatically see what you're seeing. Ditto for the sedan and the SUV's.

10) If you introduce the car as a sedan, then use that all the time. That way we know which vehicle you're talking about. In other words, say: One of the SUV's approaches the passenger side of the sedan (instead of the side of the car).

11) What is "THE PINNACLE CROSS"?

Well, that's for starters. :) I know that none of that actually says what I thought of it, but that's because I haven't finished it. I'd much rather print it out and read it. Can you post a text file or something like that?

Fred

Shade01

01-23-2005, 07:20 AM

Here are 10 quick notes about the opening page, since that's the most important part. A studio reader won't read the whole script if they aren't wowed by the first half page or so. Obviously the story won't become apparent within the first half page, so what they're looking at is to see if it's professionally written. Do they pass on some gems just because of poor format? You bet, but that's the way it is. I know you're making this film yourself, not sending it to studios, but first of all, maybe one day you *will* use it as a sample of your writing, and second, fixing some of these things might help you as you make the film.

Please note: What follows are merely my opinions, I'm not saying these are absolute facts.

1) The planet looks like a zen arcade, with the lights of the cities visible even from outer space. It might just be me, but the description "zen arcade" didn't conjure up any image at all in my mind.

2) Two ASTRONAUTS attempt to repair the telescope, which looks like it was hit by a stray asteroid. It needs a description-- looking at the actual scene we won't understand that it looks like it was hit by an asteroid. Describe it as looking like something smashed into it.

3) The above should also be a new scene. Scene 1 is the view of the earth, scene two is the repairs going on. (Unless the telescope drifts into view during the first scene.)

4) The dialog seems rather convenient and unmotivated. Why are they saying that all of a sudden? Wouldn't they have commented long ago about the nerds? Perhaps the first line could be someone hurrying them up over the radio. That would give them the reason to make their comments. Astronaut #1 would be very polite to the guy on the radio, then as soon as the radio guy is off, he makes his snotty comment about the nerds to Astronaut #2.

5) ... a mysterious SHADOW... A shadow can't be mysterious. The fact that it "creeps" works well enough to set up the mystery. Also, I don't think shadow needs to be in caps.

6) As soon as the shadow crosses the first astronaut's eyes It should be: As soon as the shadow crosses Astronaut #1's eyes (Because as far as this script is concerned, that's the guy's name. Also it makes it more clear.)

7) Instead of (whispered) I would put: (under his breath) or (to himself) The reason is that "whispered" is past tense, but everything should be present tense. You could use whispering, but that makes it sound like he's talking to the other astronaut rather than just thinking out loud.

8) The shadow passes directly over them. Hasn't it been over them ever since it crept over them? Do you mean that it passes and is gone? Or is it still over them? If it's still over them, maybe use: The shadow engulfs them.

9) The next scene is set on the streets of Aeternus, but what is Aeternus? A moon? A planet? And there is no description at all of what the streets are like. Is it a futuristic city? Out in the middle of nowhere? Is there any light-- moonlight, streetlights, etc? Don't assume that the reader will automatically see what you're seeing. Ditto for the sedan and the SUV's.

10) If you introduce the car as a sedan, then use that all the time. That way we know which vehicle you're talking about. In other words, say: One of the SUV's approaches the passenger side of the sedan (instead of the side of the car).

11) What is "THE PINNACLE CROSS"?

Well, that's for starters. :) I know that none of that actually says what I thought of it, but that's because I haven't finished it. I'd much rather print it out and read it. Can you post a text file or something like that?

Fred

Hey thanks for the comments. Do you hang out at Rotten Tomatoes too? Seems like a might have spoken to you before, there.

About your comments:

1. a different description other than zen arcade could be inserted for clarity, I agree. Since I'm producing it myself, I just haven't changed it, but your comment is valid as a reader.

2. Dunno, as the description stands, I think most people will think of an asteroid impact as something that would cause damage.

3. It is one long scene, you see the earth and the astronauts and shuttle drift into view, there are no cuts or dissolves.

4. Your setup would work well. you could go either way with the dialogue though, I kind of envision them as just getting started on fixing the satellite, hence the comments as if it is a new conversation. I actually did have a 3rd astronaut in the scene talking to them on a radio, but since I'm doing all the work, I kept the "cost" of the scene down by cutting the third astronaut.

5. are you sure a shadow can't be mysterious? (http://www.google.com/search?q=mysterious+shadow&sourceid=firefox&start=0&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8) :p

6. that is correct.

7. Also correct, I know you should speak in the present tense, guess I missed that one.

8. you're description works, but I wrote like that to make the point that the shadow creeps into the frame, and they say those things before being completely covered by the shadow.

9. Once again, this is one of those "this script is for me things", though I make clear where Aeternus is in the film. For the record, it is a fictional city on the east coast of America. It is in the future, as noted by the superimposition of the year 2055 over the scene.

10. that makes sense.

11. The Pinnacle Cross is the army for the Church. You'd find that out within the next 5 pages of script, they are well discussed and are an integral part of the story. There's no mistaking who/what they are.

I'll try to put up a downloadable text file later.

fwtep

01-23-2005, 05:55 PM

2. Dunno, as the description stands, I think most people will think of an asteroid impact as something that would cause damage.
As I said, I'm looking at this as a reader, and I think a brief description would help. You can give a quick description that ends with "as if it was hit by an asteroid" if you want, but don't just assume we'll look at it and guess it was an asteroid. It could have been an explosion from within, or an attack. If there's no description of what kind of damage, there's no way the reader can form an image.

5. are you sure a shadow can't be mysterious?
What I mean is that there's nothing inherently mysterious about a shadow. If its source can't be determined, then it's mysterious, but just the fact that a shadow is falling isn't mysterious. Remember, the reader doesn't know what else is out there near the telescope; shadows fall on our astronauts all the time. At the point in your script where the shadow starts to fall, the audience will just see a shadow. They won't think anything of it-- certainly not that it's "mysterious" until the *characters* react. Because a shadow isn't mysterious. :)

8. you're description works, but I wrote like that to make the point that the shadow creeps into the frame, and they say those things before being completely covered by the shadow. Fine, but I didn't get that from reading it. Maybe "by now the shadow has completely engulfed them."

9. Once again, this is one of those "this script is for me things", though I make clear where Aeternus is in the film. For the record, it is a fictional city on the east coast of America. It is in the future, as noted by the superimposition of the year 2055 over the scene. Just remember that to a reader, saying it's a city 50 years in the future doesn't say much. It's a sci-fi story, so it could be a city that's half destroyed from WWIII or some alien attack... it could be a Blade Runner city or a Star Trek city.

Cheers,
Fred

NeptuneImaging

01-27-2005, 04:39 PM

What's up Shade? That is some really good characters in the script, and you are even making it yourself...that is even greater... I am taking some inspiration from past movies and hoping to make my own and whatnot...

I hope this script makes it big...it is very good to see that independant movie makers are still around. Sometimes, independant film makers make better movies that big time hollywood producers.

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