Sunday, June 14, 2009

Today was the church picnic. Today was also a day full of learning. I love this. Lately God has been constantly showing me and teaching me things. It is so amazing.

Anyway, today was the church picnic. We decided to play some Ultimate Frisbee, which is always so fun, especially when you play with North Ridge Church. Well, we were all having a bunch of fun (especially my team since we were winning by like 4), and I was getting all into guarding people. Well, I was guarding Jude, so he tried to jump to throw the frisbee. Well, he landed wrong and twisted his ankle. It was all swollen, and ew. But it was all my fault. I felt so horrible. So Dan and Dustin carried him over to the pavilion, and we gave him ice and Ibuprofen. We were standing there, and once all of the dust settled Mrs. Miller said, "So who is going to pray for Jude?" I was surprised because the way she said it was so... well I can't think of a word to describe it, but she said it like it was something we all should have assumed to do. So we gathered around him and Dustin prayed so simply and so practically for the pain to subside, and the swelling to go down, and for there to be no breakage. As soon as Mrs. Miller had made her comment about praying for him I felt so convicted. Why hadn't I thought to pray? I should have! But we pray for people with cancer, and leukemia, and pneumonia, and people who had a family member die, and people who have no job, and people who are homeless. It was just so practical of an idea. Praying for a sprained ankle seems almost too trivial, and almost pointless, but its SO not! God wants us to come to Him with absolutely everything in our lives! Why would I ever think anything different?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Does anyone want to know what the stupidest thing I've ever done is? Well, I'll tell you. The stupidest thing I've ever done is put more hope and faith in myself than in Christ. I do it all the time! I will put more faith in myself to be able to achieve my dreams, to get a good grade, to do my job correctly, to love people effectively, EVEN to love HIM better and to read his word more often!! How stupid is that? I am putting hope in myself for something like that. Why would I put hope in myself anyway? I know that I'm lazy. I know that I don't ever get things done on time. I know that I have horrible self motivation. I know that I always get in arguments with people. I know that I have a very hard time loving some people. I know that I have a very short fuse at times. I know that I've failed hundreds of millions of times trying to do things.

Seriously, Katie? Are you really that dense? Do you really think that you can do a better job at running your life than God?!

But the thing is, I don't think I can do a better job. I THINK God can do a better job, but my heart doesn't seem to want to admit that. My heart is a very stubborn little heart. It cannot let go of what I want. I want to find a good man that will love me forever, and I want to do that on my own. I want to achieve my dreams, and I want to do that on my own. I want to get good grades, and I want to do that on my own. I want to get in shape, and I want to do that on my own. I want to be a better Christian, and EVEN THAT I want to do on my own. What in the world? Even as I write this I cannot think about anything else but how foolish I am.

All I have to do is want it, right? Well, I WANT to put my faith in You, Father. I want to give everything that I am and everything that I desire over to You! I am sick of walking on eggshells trying to make everyone happy and make my life look perfect. Frankly, I don't care how perfect my life looks. All I want to do is make you smile, Father! There is nothing else that will satisfy me. I want you to look down on me and smile, and tell me that you love me, hold me tightly, and tell me you're proud. Why should I care about how wonderful of a person people think I am? Or how great of a Christian I can look like? Or how much people like me because I'm so nice? Or how high I life my hands in worship? I shouldn't!! If you're smiling on me, Father, nothing can touch me! You're my only source of satisfaction. I've tried other things! I've looked for this earthly satisfaction everyone else seems to know. I can't find it! Either they have something I don't, or they are, in reality, empty. I KNOW they're empty. Because I KNOW you fill me! I KNOW that there is nothing else that can fill me or anyone else.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I went to worship with some wonderful friends tonight. I missed them. I missed the atmosphere that is created when I get the priviledge of worshiping with them. They are incredible men and women of God, and I feel so uninhibited when I worship with them. I don't need to feel like I'm being distracting to anyone else when I raise my hands, because they're all raising their hands too. I feel so free to do whatever I want. Tonight I felt like I wanted to fall on my knees, but I couldn't raise my hands high enough. I couldn't get my voice loud enough. I couldn't get my mind focused enough. I couldn't sing the songs long enough. It was wonderful. But I also felt like I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of this God I was worshiping. It hurt me. Then I realized that its ok. Its ok that I don't understand him. Its ok that I can't wrap my mind around it. Its ok that sometimes I'm just being human. Its ok that sometimes I'm not perfect. Its ok that sometimes I can't focus. Because first, God cannot be understood. He's God. He is incomprehensible, and incomparable, and untamable. And second, all that matters is that I love and obey Him. I am not going to be perfect all the time. Thats why the grace of God is unthinkably priceless and infinitely valuable. There is nothing that saves us, save the grace of God. The grace of God is what gives us life, and breath. I have been given this grace, and I love Him. Christianity is not a set of rules that I have to follow, and I am horribly ashamed of myself for having taken so long to figure that out. I always knew, but never understood. If I love the Lord, then everything will fall into place because I'll want to obey him so I'll just end up following Him. Its not a matter of doing the right thing, its a matter of loving the Lord with everything I am and have been and will be and everything I have and have had and will have.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I sit in my bed, with my window open. I listen to the rain. I can feel it splash sometimes. It sounds wonderful. It is so soothing to listen to the consistent and easy sound of rain hitting the trees and the road and the roof. It is so wonderful to think about this creative creation that God has given us. Rain. Water in itself is a very peculiar compound. In its frozen state it is less dense than in its liquid state. It is, to the extent of my knowledge, only compound that does that. It keeps us alive. Without water I could not live for more than a few days. That shows how miraculous it is that Christ wandered the desert for 40 days without food or water. That feat is nothing short of a miracle. Water also keeps the world alive. The plants and the animals rely on it as well. Water also provides relief from hot weather. It is refreshing. Water also provides recreation like swimming, and water park amusements. No wonder God is compared to it.God is the giver of all life. He is the sustainer of life. He keeps us alive, and not only that, he refreshes us. He makes things new. After a rain things do feel new. The grass is greener, the sky clears, and all the dirt is washed away. That's what God does for us. Our cloudy skies clear, and all of our nasty dirt and sins are washed away and our image is made clean. You may not think that water providing recreation relates to God in any way. That is not true, God provides plenty of fun for us to experience. He gives us breaks, and lets us let our hair down for times. We're never off-duty of being a christian, but he still lets us just hangout under his wing whenever we want to.

I really do love that God is the refresher of the earth. He makes all things new. Including me. He made me new. He's made me new plenty of times. He is graceful. He watches us. He keeps us. He does not EVER forsake us (forsake: to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert). Why? Don't ask me. All I know is that he loves me, and I love Him back. Thats all there is to this Christianity thing.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

2. I feel like I might be swiftly and easily slipping away from my friends.

So lets talk about sad first so that we can end with happy.

I miss my friends at home during the school year and I miss my friends at school during the summer. College is way not fun in that matter. I feel as though recently I've noticed some great falling away from my home friends. Not all of them. Not even most of them. Just some very important ones that I have not been able to talk to much this school year. I just want them to know that I'm sorry. I have never been good at keeping long distance relationships. I don't talk to any friends from Pennsylvania regularly. I could never even keep up with people who went to different middle schools and high schools, let alone colleges. But that is no excuse. I am learning, and I am doing better. I promise that next year I'll try my best to do better. I'll keep up with your lives, and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. We'll talk more, and we'll grow closer despite the distance that separates us. I regret that I was such a horrible friend for letting you grow so far away, and I'm going to be better.

Now for the happy part because I just can't end this blog with sadness, I do that way too much.

Today was wonderful. I woke up at 10:30 and did my Beth Moore devotion. She is incredible. God gave her such a gift of leading people to Him. She loves him with everything she is and that is so incredibly obvious simply in the way she writes her bible studies. Every word that comes to be on that paper is a word from the Lord. I've been in tears multiple times while doing her devotions. She takes the approach of a woman, and describes things in ways that would help the bible come alive to a woman. It is absolutely wonderful.

Then I talked to a wonderful wingate friend online. Which is always spectacular. I miss them so much, and everytime I get to talk to any of them it is such a blessing. This particular person and I always have very entertaining and interesting conversations. So, this combined with my wonderful bible study was definitely the perfect start to my day.

So then I started some laundry and did some dishes and all that. Which was not very exciting, but very productive.

Then I took a shower and got dressed and all that jazz, and I went downstairs to eat. I ate a whole wheat english muffin with organic peanut butter and sugar free strawberry preserves, some strawberry nonfat yogurt, and a few cookies. I was very proud of my healthy lunch.

I was expected it to storm, so when it did not actually thunder I was reluctant to go to swim practice. While we were there it started to rain, so Sam and I had to stand out on the deck and yell at kids in the rain. Then in the second practice one of my boys thought he didn't have to do what everyone else was doing which annoyed me and I had to deal with that. BUTTT after the second practice I talked to some adorable six and under children who are always entertaining. They are so adorable and so excited to be there. They love to tell me what they're swimming and they all are absolutely in LOVE with high fives. Then later that night my lovely Anna came over to watch the hockey game with me (GO PENS!) and we also went to Goodberry's and I made a very smart choice in my concrete. Chocolate & caramel. Try it! The Penguins won, and it was super exciting. We skipped cell group for it which makes us horrible christians, but wonderful hockey fans. :) But we engaged in some good fellowshipping during the game, so its ok.

And that was my day. Kind of boring, unless you're me, then its awesome.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

For a long while I've really wanted to write. To express myself like I used to. I feel as though I have nothing to write about anymore. I don't have these intuitive ideas, or original thoughts anymore. It has been so long since I've really had something to write about. A long time ago I was talking to the person who inspired me to start writing on this blog and she said that sometimes her favorite times are when she doesn't have anything on her mind. She can let Christ rule her thoughts and let Him do with her fingers as he pleased. She would just start writing and let him reign. That is exactly what I want to do right now. I want to write, I desire to say something, but I know that anything I say will not be at all penetrating to anyone. It had to come from Christ. Nothing I says means anything. I talk about myself, and the world. That is not what matters. Christ matters! He's the only thing that matters. He is the only thing that can change anyone's heart. My words mean nothing. My words come from the world. His words come from the true and lasting kingdom. Things that make a difference. Things that bring people to tears. Things that cause changes of the heart.

I hope that whenever I speak I don't waste people's time with my words.

A Day In The Life

There is no Webster definition of my life. That doesn't mean, though, that i have to define it for myself. Most people do define their own life. They work hard to make money, build a good reputation, become powerful, and be known as "good people." I don't have that burden on my shoulders because my heavenly Father defines my life. My identity is revealed in the person of Jesus Christ. I don't need to worry about making a lot of money, or having a good reputation, or being popular, or powerful. I don't need to work my butt off to get in good with the crowd. I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and my identity is found right there. It's not that I'm never worried, scared, or angry. I am human afterall. My life isn't carefree. I just know that everything is in the Lord's hands. Now that I've given it to Him, He does what he pleases with it. He defines my life. He IS my life.