I don’t think it comes as a shock that I listen to a lot of music and I’m a perpetually sad person and those two things are my whole life.

Also I feel kind of awful at this very moment. For once, I know why. But that’s not the point of this. Not that I ever have any point to make. I don’t know, I just wanted to distract myself for a little bit.

I’m finally getting a new phone. Well, to be fair the phone I had before this was also pretty nice, but it wasn’t new or mine. I was just keeping it for a few months because mine broke. I’d been using a Sony phone since 2014 (It was my first phone ever) and then last September or late August, the screen cracked. So I started using my mother’s iPhone because she didn’t use it anymore. I had planned on getting a new one in like a month but I just kept on spending my money on stupid dumb shit and not on a necessity. So now finally I’ve ordered a new phone which will arrive on Saturday. I’m childishly excited about it. I keep on tracking its delivery, as if my looking again and again will make it reach me faster.

I also have like 10 new books coming my way on Monday. I am so so so excited about them because Jesus knows that I hadn’t gotten a new book in a while. The last book I got was on my birthday and it was called “A Guide to Rational Living” and was given to me by my mother. But this time I have books like Fire and Fury, Born a Crime, and Atlas Shrugged. I am DYING right now in their wait. (I don’t know if that sentence was correct)

In my last step to becoming Gollum, I have become obsessed with jewelry. Earrings in particular. In a couple of years I went from someone who didn’t wear any lipstick or jewelry to a person won’t be caught dead without a lipstick on . I don’t know why I didn’t take care of my skin before. Now getting ready in the morning is my favorite time of the whole day. It takes longer, sure, because I have dedicated 6 step routine for both day and night. I have noticed a difference from 2016 to now and I think those steps are completely worth it.

I’m also blonde now, not in my roots, though. I have actually never had non-colored hair since 2013, but it was always very subtle and never so out there as it is now. Last February I wanted to get dark navy blue hair. The hair stylist fucked up big time because it turned out more black than blue. Then it got worse with time and then in May I had to cut it all off. So from May to January, I had no color in my hair whatsoever, which was very boring. I don’t care much about damage because I’ve never had amazing hair to begin with. I like changing my hair a lot. I think it’s a lot of fun. I’m planing on getting ash grey hair this month, then peacock blue in the summer.

I want to get my nose pierced, but I already hate my nose and I don’t know if I want to bring more attention to it. Diksha has it and it looks really nice on her, so I want one too. But my nose is my kryptonite and I’m awfully confused about this one

I would like to now talk about some of my favorite movies that I saw this year, which were, a lot. I have gotten into indie cinema somehow and I have to say I really love it. So the first movie I would like to talk about is, of course, Black Panther. Words cannot describe how much I loved that movie. Then I think the next movie I really loved was Call Me By Your Name. Before watching it I was a little skeptic because I’d read on Instagram about how it was about pedophilia and such things. But then I saw it and I couldn’t find anything disgusting. I mean sure, the age gap was significant between Elio and Oliver but there wasn’t anything perverse, or at least nothing that I could point out. I could relate so so bad to Elio at the end of that movie. It shattered my heart and I cried for an hour, I think.

Some of my other favorite movies this year that I have watched have been Get Out, Good time, Below her mouth, Moana, Marhsall, That Awkward Moment, Beatrice at dinner, Raincoat, Bhumika, Manthan, and Nishant.

And I would like to give a special mention to The Emperor’s new Groove. I fucking love that movie. It’s so funny, and just all over masterpiece.

For TV shows, I just finished watching Shameless. It’s absolutely disgusting but I guess that’s what life is. Everyone reaches a new low every episode and that’s still so real? I don’t know why but I really like it. I also finished the Crown last week. I know, I was late but I’m finally all caught up. Then for Comedy I have a long list. Angie Tribeca, You’re the Worst, Difficult People, Brooklyn 99, Young Sheldon, and The Detour.

Grown-ish is again absolutely amazing. I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I liked Black-ish. I usually don’t like spin offs after the trauma of The Originals. Grown-ish is again, so relatable. I think that’s what college is like, from what I’ve heard, at least. I have a child, Shivani, who goes to a legit law school in Raipur, and from what she tells me, I get it. I absolutely love these TV shows and movies, man.

Supernatural for me is in a league of its own. I will never not like that show. Team Free Will till the day I die.

I know it seems like I watch a lot of TV, and it seems accurate. I do. I don’t have much to do but watch TV and movies and read books.

As for music, here are a few songs that I love love love right now:

Riptide- Vance Joy

Star Power- Sonic Youth

Long time- Cake

Perfect Places- Lorde

Opps- Kendrick Lamar

Jashn-e-Bahara

I also really like this song called “If it wasn’t for you” by Alesso, but I don’t listen to it. I avoid it at all costs because I can’t listen to that song without going into a manic depression for six months. But it’s a good song, though.

As for me personally, I have been struggling a bit. I have a sinking feeling in my heart and gut at all times. Anxiety is at an all time high. Like I said, I know why. I still can’t believe that it still affects me. Now that I think of it, there never goes a day where I don’t think about it, but for the past two weeks the sinking feeling has gotten deeper and I find myself praying again. To what? Even I don’t know. Even though the object of my love is no longer with me, doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there. I think it’s more than ever before and somehow it grows everyday. There’s nothing that I can do, nothing that I haven’t already done, so I pray. I just pray that if there is any God, wherever God is, I hope they listen to me. I hope they have mercy on my soul. I hope that I feel so empty anymore. I hope.

I think we’re all caught up. I’m sorry this post was so long. I didn’t want to leave anything out. I needed the distraction and all those things I mentioned are really important to me.