Game of Thrones: The Red and Ready Woman

Yikes. Welcome back to HBO’s hit series, Game of Thrones. It’s a new season and I’m here to rant and ramble at you about it! Let’s get started.

Zoom in on Jon Snow being all dead, wolves are suspiciously howling in the background. I’m just going to assume that they’re saying “Warg” in wolf. The Blackcloaks who bring in his body are tense and you can’t blame them, since, like, half of them just went and stabbed their Lord Commander.

But of course we have Melisandre coming in and you know that she’s not going to let him just be dead. That’s not how she do.

His murderers call a meeting to make a big show of how loyalty is important and they did the right thing. But there’s a wolf howling in the background all the while, so that’s ominus. All of Jon’s friends, small handful that they are, are plotting revenge. Davos encourages them to try and have a brain instead.

Then we have Ramsay Bolton mourning his side piece, who as you’ll recall was killed in the last season finale while Sansa and Reek ran for it. Apparently Ramsay only gets sad when he didn’t murder someone himself. He has her fed to the dogs anyway, because he’s scum. Daddy Bolton gives him a nice lecture about what his future holds if he doesn’t recapture his bride. Naturally everyone is rooting for Sansa anyhow. Ramsay can get rekt, far as I’m concerned.

Sansa and Reek are on the lam. Tired, grubby, cold, and then soaked in an icy river. Excellent acting, I can really feel how cold they are. Poor babies, I really want to give them warm blankets and hot chocolates. When the hounds catch up to them, Reek goes to drive them off, a plan that fails miserably.

Luckily that’s when the love of my life gets there! Brienne of Tarth charges in on a horse and leaps into ass-kicking action. Even Pod is holding his own, so good for him! Character development is a messy, wonderful thing. Reek gets a sword in his hand and apparently remembers that he’s a Greyjoy and should act as such.

Bri swears fealty to Sansa and it’s a big “Girl you should have taken me up on this the first time around!” moment. Poor Sansa even swears the oath back properly, even though she’s shivering to death. I’m having a pretty serious moment watching this. It’s casual.

We warm up back in King’s Landing. Cersei is looking like a badass even with the short cut. I might be biased though. I’m instantly more attracted to her with the short cut, to be totally honest. She hears that a ship has returned from Dorne and runs to meet it, only to find a grim looking Jaime and a pretty gold coffin.

The sibling parents are clearly in mourning, suffering from the loss of their second child. They talk about death, about rot. The grief is genuine. Cersei brings up the prophecy that she got as a child. She’s feeling superstitious, while Jaime says, “Fuck fate.” I’m inclined to get that in a tattoo.

A septa reads scripture to Margery before the High Sparrow

Back in Dorne, Prince Doran reminisces over his brother. Prince Oberyn confirmed for bisexual again, which I love. When news of Myrcella’s death reaches them, Ellaria Sand stages a coup. The Sand Snakes murder Trystane while Ellaria kills Doran. I’m sad, honestly.

Tyrion and Varys have a political chat while a priest of the Red God stirs up converts.

Then there’s, screaming and smoke. And where there’s smoke, there’s fire. The fleet amassed by Daenerys Targaryen is ablaze. So much for taken Westeros.

Jorah is looking for Dany, but he’s still a dick who has declined to mention to anyone that he totally has greyscale. There are signs of dragon activity all over the place, and Jorah is a mighty good tracker. It’s determined that the Dothraki have Dany.

Indeed they do, and they have her as a captive rather than a queen. Which is weird, but I guess it’s hard to recognize people in a world without pictures. She’s brought to their Kahl, whose hair isn’t as long as Drogo’s was. Dany introduces herself, with all her titles. They laugh it off but the mention of Drogo is enough to get her freed. And then, it seems, sent off to a temple where the widows of Kahl’s live.

Meanwhile, Arya is blind and begging, and you just know that this is another test. She’s gonna have to learn to listen and to fight without seeing. It’s a hard knock life for her, but at least she’s got a weapon again.

Back at the Wall, Davos is told to surrender by Thorne. It’s all very sketchy looking. But they’ve got a secret weapon: Melisandre. And HBO’s obligatory nudity. The voyeurism is short lived, as when she gets naked and takes off her necklace, she’s suddenly an old woman. I’m going to take a wild leap and guess: magic necklace? Face swapping House of Black and White stuff? Either way, we won’t know this week.