Jon: Why are at least half of the toilets in the boys' washroom always filled with poop? Your school bills itself as a "school for gifted children." How gifted can your schoolmates be if they don't know how to flush a fucki—a freakin' toilet?

The boy and girl finish school on Thursday.

The boy is almost my height, and his voice has noticeably deepened.

The girl now answers most questions with "I dunno…"

Jon: What is that?The girl: I dunno…Jon: You don't know what you made yourself?

"Hey, what do you think of my tie? I designed it myself. I call it 'Yoloha.' It's a combination of 'YOLO' and 'aloha.'"
"Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad, which is a combination of 'retarded' and 'sad.'" (Veep, S06E06)

"Who's the father?"
"I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which bars me from revealing his identity."
"Wait, is he famous?"
"Is it Batali?"
"Charles, she can't say. Is it Batali?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)

"Pizza Rat, dead tonight at the age of four." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)

"It's like an Eagles concert down there – nothing but whites." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)

"Please don't address the jury, Mr. Peralta.
"But, but, but…"
"One more 'but' and you will be in contempt."
"One More Butt and You're in Contempt – name of your sex tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)

Scott Aukerman (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C

Robin Leach and Vicki Lawrence (Great News, S01E09)

(Great News, S01E09)

"You need to get back on the horse, like when you were going through your chunky phase and you broke that pony's back at the fair. Did I let you quit? No. I made you get back on another pony and they had to put two ponies down that day." (Great News, S01E10)

"Gram is mean A-F. That's a Twitter term, which I can only assume stands for 'mean as Frankenstein.' There is another term, D-T-F: 'Don't touch Frankenstein,' to which I usually just reply W-T-F: 'Won't touch Frankenstein.'" (Great News, S01E10)

"I can't believe Turgalak dead. He's supposed to be all-knowing and invincible. First time I met him, he had a burrito waiting for me, knew exactly how I like it: Chorizo and rice, refried bean, sour cream on the side, little salsa verde, pico de gallo, chips and guac, watermelon agua fresca with just a little bit of ice… He even knew that I liked the flour tortilla rather than corn." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)

"The prophecy says if a werewolf eats the cube's nuts, he will gain its power and rule the world." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)

"I don't care that you look like a man. You still got a 'giney, and I speak 'ginese." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)

"I'm lubed up and ready, moon!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)

"I see somebody's been keeping you company while I was gone."
"Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got the paper cuts on my dick to prove it. Took a while for them to scab up on account of they don't really make Band-Aid for the penile region. Doing them, you know, the knuckle Band-Aid, that work good, but then I gotta, like, pull it down to pee, pull it back up. I went through a whole lotta Band-Aid." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)

"Oh, babe… You know that I would've used all the dick Band-Aids in the world if I thought I could've saved you." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)

Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: American GodsStill the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

McKern: We ate at a sushi restaurant and he only ordered ikura and tamago nigiri.Jon: So…egg sushi and egg sushi.McKern: Heh, yes. The cheapest thing on the menu and the most expensive thing on the menu.

Film Idea: A group of friends run from Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeremy Piven, and Stephen Dorff after they witness Emilio murder the producer of Judgment Night, who bilked the cast out of their fair share of grosses.

Film Idea: Al Pacino and Robert De Niro's characters in Heat are cryogenically frozen, have their faces swapped while frozen, and are unfrozen in 2032 to find mainstream society changed and all crime seemingly eliminated.

"That woman thinks Jesus suffered for her sins. They're her sins. Why should Jesus do all the suffering?"
"'Cause his dad sacrificed his ass."
"Don't blame the parent. Plenty of suffering and blame to go around, although that white Jesus, well, could stand a little more suffering. He's doing very well for himself these days."
"And how many colours does Jesus come in?"
"Why, you got your white Jesuit-style Jesus, you got your black African Jesus, you got your brown Mexican Jesus, you got your swarthy Greek Jesus, you've got—"
"Well, that's a, that's a lot of Jesus."
"There's a lot of need for Jesus, so, there's a lot of Jesus." (American Gods, S01E03)

"This is the only country in the world that wonders what it is."
"You've been to a lot of other countries, have you?"
"No, no, never, just this one. Just that the others know what they are. I mean, no one wonders about the heart of Norway or goes searching for the soul of Mozambique. Mozambique knows what it is. They all know what they are."
"Americans know who they are."
"They pretend they know." (American Gods, S01E03)

Back from Charlotte, North Carolina, where the Billy Graham Library is the "number one attraction," and delivering pizza for Domino's is the "best side hustle."

In Charlotte, pedestrian crossing walking man signals appear a few seconds before traffic lights in the same direction turn green, which surely has caused some accidents as drivers hit the gas upon seeing a walking man, like how sometimes drivers in a straight lane hit the gas upon seeing a green left turn light.

I saw South Carolina school buses leaving the NASCAR Hall of Fame. What a field trip.

I saw a beggar on a traffic median holding a blank piece of cardboard.

"I will mount your head on a pike and use it as a hat rack – ugly hats only." (Making History, S01E08)

"Any last words, gentlemen?"
"I did it all for the nookie."
"Amen." (Making History, S01E08)

Gillian Anderson as Lucille Ball (American Gods, S01E02)

"I don't want to work for you, I Love Lucy." (American Gods, S01E02)

"Hey, you ever wanted to see Lucy's tits?" (American Gods, S01E02)

American Boners (American Gods, S01E02)

"No cow-killing stories during dinner."
"How do you think meat get on your plate, huh? It takes strength, but not only strength, it takes talent, because it's a craft. You have to do it right or the cow gets angry, and angry meat taste bad." (American Gods, S01E02)

"You're my only black friend." (American Gods, S01E02)

♫: Genghis Barbie – "Take on Me" (The Leftovers, S03E04)

"Well, is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, actually, could you run and go get me some tape?"
"Oh, I got some right here. Sorry, it's only Scotch, masking, and duct." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)

"Okay, you guys go see if the smelling salts are over there."
"Oh, the day I don't bring my salt purse!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna go ahead and sing it." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)

"It truly was a Shawshank redemption." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)

"Oh, the miracle of nipples – nature's horchata." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)

"Dawn: Australian for 'baby.' Like the first light of the new day, or a dishwashing detergent that cuts through grease like a knife. But that's not a knife, this is a baby. Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda…" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)

"Ma'am, New York Times says Montez is naming the nominee today."
"Eh."
"Buzzfeed confirms."
"Oh, my God, really?"
"Yeah, we should be getting a phone call any minute."
"Ooh, my heart is racing!"
"I bet this time, it's just menopause." (Veep, S06E04)

Superior Donuts Season Grade: D

"That man is full of bologna."
"Baloney."
"You're right. He's so vile, we should use the crude Americanization of the word." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)

"I'm gonna crush you like a can of diet seltzer water." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)

"Now when people think of the Nine-Nine, they'll think of, um… Oh, Detective Diaz filling an iron with tequila."
"So I could make tequila steam."
"I can't quite believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm sorry I even came to Rochester." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)

"That's right. Imagine a Valentine's Day with no cards from your cousins." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E18)

Howard Hesseman (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E22)

"My body is a temple, and by that, I mean I let a lot of Jewish guys in." (Great News, S01E05)

"We have re-programmed reality. Language is a virus, religion an operating system, prayers are just so much fucking spam." (American Gods, S01E01)

♫: Richard Cheese – "Personal Jesus" (The Leftovers, S03E03)

"Would you kill a baby if it would cure cancer?"
"No."
"That is exactly what I said." [immolates self] (The Leftovers, S03E03)

"You looked through my photos."
"I was hungry. It was in the fridge." (The Leftovers, S03E03)

"No, this is a very big deal. Do you know how long you've been promising me you'd paint my go-kart pink for breast cancer awareness?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)

"You named five, Fail."
"Name's Gail. You can have your F back."
"Sometimes I get my Fs and my Gs mixed up, so why don't you fo guck yourselg?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)

"It's hards-on."
"What?"
"Hards-on, not hard-ons. It's a syntactical error that I could have remedied if you would just give me the space to speak."
[…]
"You can't just wiggle your little tush and expect every VC in the Valley to get hards-on." (Silicon Valley, S04E02)

"I will destroy you in ways that are so creative they will honour me for it at the Kennedy Center."
[…]
"I am gonna find ways to destroy you so hard that everybody at the Kennedy Center is gonna take a fuckin' massive shit." (Veep, S06E03)

"You're just in the middle of what we in America call a…'fuck fog.'"
"In Finland, we call this the 'fever of the sausage.'" (Veep, S06E03)

American Crime Season Grade: C

Hitchcock and Scully eating whole cakes (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)

"Are you two sure you should be babysitting? You seemed real freaked when you called me last night."
"Yes, but then we figured out how to be good parents: TV and cake."
"TV and cake were my parents…"
[pause]
"It's okay…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)

"There are no highlights in Scottsdale, Margo." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)

The Mick Season Grade: C

"Shepherd's pie has lamb in it. Do they seem like good shepherds to you? So really, when you think about it, pie is murder. If you choose life, choose cake." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E21)

"Why is there blood on the barrel?"
"What? No, that's um…hot sauce."
"Well, why is there hot sauce on it – with a couple of hair stuck in it? Oh, sweet Christ."
"What?"
"Did you beat a guinea pig to death with your service weapon, slather the thing in hot sauce, and eat it?" (Archer, S08E05)

(Brockmire, S01E06)

Rob McElhenney (Fargo, S03E03)

Mother and daughter Frances Fisher and Francesca Eastwood playing Vivian Lord in different eras (Fargo, S03E03)

"It's just a story." (Fargo, S03E03)

"Probably we should have a milkshake, maybe some curly fries, ponder all future moves." (Fargo, S03E03)

China's historical distaste for cheese
In Chinese culture, cheese consumption was historically limited to nomadic tribes living on the fringes of society who were generally viewed as outsiders or barbarians. So back then, eating cheese was associated with an unsavory lifestyle.

The Great Wall, but with Matt Damon fending off people who like to eat cheese.