I now have the Introduction to the book ready for you to read for free, so you can click here to enter youremail address and get the free chapter emailed straight to your inbox….and if you are inspired by it, you can pre-order the book now….it will be available very very soon!

I am excited to announce that I am supporting Restoring Hope, an Australian charity who support children and young people affected by sexual abuse.

I was at my daughters’ speech pathologist appointment the other day, when the word ‘spiritual’ was used in a comprehension exercise. We had to look up the dictionary meaning of the word.

Meaning number one: relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things. (Yes, thanks, I agree)

But to my chagrin, with meaning number two, I was reminded that the word ‘spiritual’ also means: relating to religion or religious belief.

It got me thinking about the words we use when it comes to our spirituality and some of the comments I have heard lately. These are a couple of words that come up over and over again in the world of spirituality and personal development.

I like all these words, but it seems that some of them are causing some of us a whole lot of discomfort. Seriously. I heard someone say they don’t like using the word ‘power’ when it comes to women’s empowerment work, as it is too masculine sounding. (Empowerment was ok, because power is camouflaged inside of the ‘em’ and ‘ment’) Now far bit it from me to jump on any kind of feminist bandwagon, but, since when is it so ‘unspiritual’ for us to not be into our own power?How many articles and pieces self help advice all advocate holding onto our power, or not giving our power away?

Dictionary meanings of Power include (but are not limited to):

ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.

great or marked ability to do or act; strength; might; force

legal ability, capacity, or authority

delegated authority; authority granted to a person or persons in a particular office or capacity:

None of these sound terrible to me. Of course I know that there is also ‘power over another person’ which is what can cause the disquiet of feeling that has arisen. But I think that personal spiritual power is something we should all be looking for.

And I realised, that as we move forward in this fast paced society with its 24 hour news cycles and constant need for instant gratification, some of these words are becoming ‘unfashionable’. I hear those cries of ‘oh, I don’t like the word ‘spiritual’ or ‘goddess’ or ‘inner power’ or ‘divine’.And, if I am honest, I don’t like the fact that the word spiritual actually originally meant anything related to religion. In the world of spirituality, one of the catch-cry’s is that I am ‘spiritual’, not ‘religious’ and I am someone who sits rock solid in this category. I think that that in itself is telling. I am guilty of it. It would seem that sometimes, we remove ourselves from the deep and poignant meaning of words as we constantly seek to find new ways to express ourselves and be heard out in the world.

Is it the next cultural shift? It is true, there is a big divide consuming the world of the awakened soul. New Age is ssssooo passé now. Spiritual became the new, ‘new age’, yet it seems like everyone’s a bit over being spiritual now as well. For me, this is really about what these words mean to you and whether you place a lot of value on whether other people have essentially hijacked the word, given it a new millennium updateand swapped out its original and intrinsic meaning.

WHAT is happening? Are we suddenly unhappy with our language? Or, perhaps it is more appropriate to say what is happening with our ability to use it effectively when it comes to what and how we communicate with each other. Are we so easily bored with an idea that we become dismissive of important truths and deep wisdom, because we are hoping it is going to come wrapped in some shiny new semantics? Or do we need to give it our own personal ‘spiritual signature’?

Frankly, I think the media and marketing have a lot to answer for when it comes to this issue. The ideals and meaning behind a lot of spiritual work are now being thrown at us by advertisers, and once something has crossed the threshold into the mainstream, it effectively becomes nothing more thatfodder for manipulating the masses into consumerism. And if we check back in to that original meaning of ‘spiritual’ being about things relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things we can see it is losing the essence of its’ esoteric meaning because of its popularity. The spiritual and self help world is littered with mini-gurus and their courses, worksheets, lifestyles and promises of a one stop shop to creating a magnificent life. The love child of spirituality and mass marketing is crowning out of your laptop.

‘Sigh’, as my 9 years old currently says out loud, as an actual spoken word, not as deep releasing tonal breath….you know an actual sigh.

I have self identified as deeply spiritual for a good twenty plus years now. But for the first time, I am becoming a little uncomfortable saying it. I deeply value my spiritual nature. For me this is a love for metaphysics, meditation, nature and the universe itself.It means I have a deep reverence for the awesomeness of creation itself. I am fascinated by the physics of space and time. I am awakened to the possibility of the miraculous, as it exists both as an internal place of wonder, and in the external manifestations of it out in the world. I understand myself as a being created in both a biological and energetic nature.

This is a sense of what being ‘spiritual’ means to me. And to be a spiritual person means that I undertake ‘spiritual work’. This is another of the important differences between ‘spiritual’ and ‘religious’. One relies’ on self evaluation, self actualisation, and deep inner work. The other passes responsibility to a greater power and relies heavily on faith and prayer. Because faith and prayer are commonalities though, I think this is one of the many reasons these two ideas become blurred in some people’s minds.

So, for now, I will continue to use the word spiritual with respect to how I have taken it into my heart. Separate from the sense of religion, where we have a set of agreed upon beliefs that are practiced by the masses. (Nor is it something I am looking to buy from the latest new age catalogue.) Spirituality to me is a set of mutable self beliefs, agreed upon by me, tested out by me, practiced by me and experienced by me, as part of my soul’s evolution toward understanding its own nature. I think it is a lifetime’s work and I don’t think I will ever reach a time when I will feel it is ‘passé’ or uncool. (Although I have plenty of times when I don’t want to do it anymore, because spiritual work is bloody hard sometimes.)

It is not a fad. It is not a tool. It is not a one size fits all idea. I think more than anything, it is an ever changing question we ask ourselves about who we are as human beings. And that question has been around for a very long time, and the answer to it is the same as it has always been. Look inside yourself for your own answers.

My husband I have been using the phrase cognitive dissonance a lot lately. Simply put, cognitive dissonance means that our beliefs and our behaviour do not match up.

Scott came across the phrase recently in relation to taking guitar lessons. The guitar teacher, in his blog, said that he was the one at fault if he couldn’t get you through the ‘cognitive dissonant’ phase of learning to play. So it meant that when you reach the point in your practice where you feel defeated, like it is all just too hard, you are likely to give up. That is the moment everything hinges on. Your belief (and value set) is that you want to learn to play the guitar, but it takes a radical change in behaviour to achieve it. You have to push past the frustrations and disappointments that you are not immediately the next Eric Clapton (sorry babe….you are not there yet 🙁 ). It also means you have to sacrifice time to practice. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. You want it, but you have to change yourself and your behaviour in order to get it.

It is a phenomenon that is also particular to spiritual work. I think it is something that you experience when you begin along the path of spiritual transformation. (Sometimes it is just when you start to grow up, as well ) First, you have to question your belief systems, which is not something people are inclined to do without some kind of catalyst. Often the onset of a spiritual change is sparked by trauma or tragedy. Perhaps the reason for that is because it takes something significant to shift us out of our comfort zone. Our beliefs keep us safe and comfortable. It is only when something happens that makes us question those beliefs that we take them out and have a good hard look at them. And this can be the moment we enter the shadow world.

Welcome to spiritual transformation. Spiritual transformation is the journey into the deep dark world of the human psyche. Cognitive dissonance is like the herald call in bones that signals we are on the path to change. It may beckon the much written about ‘dark night of the soul’. We are about to withdraw into our soul and meet loneliness head on. As the structure of our beliefs begin to crumble, we feel a sense of disconnect from the world around us. We feel isolated, misunderstood and often in this time, unable to express exactly what it is that is stirring within our hearts and minds.

When this kind of experience arrives on our lives we are being offered a choice. I believe we are being given the opportunity for spiritual growth. It can look very much like depression, this place. I call this place spiritual depression*.

Now I am going to say to you that this is about love. But what is love really. Love brings the notion of romantic love. Kisses and hugs and walks on the beach. Sex even. But self love, spiritual love, divine love is something else. It is all of those things too…love of a partner, love of a child, love of a pet. But it is also that feeling you get when you breathe the fresh cool air at the bottom of a waterfall, or the sensation you get when you stand on a mountaintop or you look up at the stars in the sky and wonder in awe. It is the laugh that bursts from you in a moment of pure joy and amusement. That is love. It is an essence of life.

Free flowing and stillness, both.

This is your soul. Your soul is questing always to connect to you, but it strives to find a way to emerge through your humanly ego. There is such a depth of complexity around being a human being.

There are layers. Things we know and things we sense. Things that are conscious and so many that aren’t. Cognitive dissonance is your soul disrupting your ego and trying to move it toward a better expression and understanding of itself.

Spiritual depression is when we are so lost in confusion around how we cannot understand the world around us and how very wrong what we are experiencing as life, differs from the purity that our soul knows to be truth. The soul yearns for freedom from deeply held social niceties, cultural anomalies and moral degradation. Spiritual depression itself takes us deeply into the psyche of the human ego and gives us a dwelling time. A time of sorting through the files of our lives; a reordering of things. We are on a quest for purpose and meaning. Working out our own personal truth, and re-emerging in a new way of being.

I have experience it many times in my life. I have experienced and been diagnosed with Clinical Depression also (and PTSD and BPD and panic attacks, like I said, life is complex). But I find that as I undertook to live more aligned with spiritual truths, committed to meditation practices, energy clearing and positive expression, like writing, I was better able to manage these episodes. I also fully accept that the shadow is a major part of the whole picture. As I accept this part and look to it for its own meanings and lessons, life becomes more of likethe cycleof the phoenix. My physical being rising from the embers of the fire of destruction, changed through to the depths of my cells and DNA, yet reborn its own image withmy soul bigger brighter and stronger.

I admit it….I am terrified. Somewhere between the compulsion to quit my job to write a book and the actuality of that book now cresting, I lost my nerve and I lost my vision.

I started out on fire. It felt like my whole life had been leading up to this moment in time.

THE ACHIEVEMENT OF A LIFELONG GOAL. THE FULFILMENT OF A DREAM

I can assure you, that this is not an easy road, by any means. I can easily tell you that same platitude you often hear….if I can do this, you can too. Truly though, some days, I don’t really think I can do it..

It hurts. I am afraid. This is hard. I want to run away from it. I want to give up. I want to forget about it and stop trying.

Because some days, it feels like it is all for nothing.

Other than the catharsis of purging my story onto paper….what meaning does it hold for anyone else?

Will anyone even read it? Will it even help? What the hell is the point? Do I expect to make radical changes in society or culture? There are so many books and everyone wants to be an author these days, the risk is too big. I am scaring the living daylights out of myself.

But, somehow I find that there is a continual necessity that rises in me to speak up about my abuse, and to share the wisdom that I have gained in my quest to heal, with others.

So, some days I will wake and decide, that this is it, today I am going to stop this mad business right now. And without a doubt at some stage during that day, someone will bring up abuse, or ask about what I do, and without permission from my brain, my mouth starts talking about my abuse history and how Iheal with meditation and spirituality. The person inevitably says something like:

That is great. That is so needed. We need these kinds of books and stories, it could really help. There are so many people with this kind of trauma to deal with.

And I sigh a bit, nod and plant my feet firmly back on the ground. Then I take a deep breath and go….Yes I think so too. That is why I did it.

I just forget….a lot. And it is always such a relief to remember again.

That’s one of so many reasons I called my book

The Magic and The Mire.

The Magic, being reminded of our purpose and The Mire, living in the suffering of fear.

It’s a daily, weekly, monthly….well, it’s lifetimes work. And our job is to find our own way to balance it all.

Megan Freeland

PS….it’s nearly here. Go to the shop and put in a pre-order if you are moved to do it 🙂

My life as I remember it started on the shelf of the local drapery store. One special day, a lovely young lady, Mavis, came in, shopping for her glory box and she decided she must have me.

Now I forgot to mention I was an unembroidered blue linen cloth. My background was stamped with a design of blue birds and pink French knot flowers. It was going to entail a lot of work to bring me to life.

Mavis diligently went home and in the evening began to work on me with her needle and thread. She began in one of the four corners using a white zig zag pattern behind my blue bird, to give the design some depth and make it stand out against the blue. Alas, as happens with young girls, life and partners get in the way of needlework and by the time Mavis had met the love of her life and married him, she had not even finished one of my corners.

I was pulled out again, on her trip to the hospital, when she had her first baby. By the time she went home with her first baby, Desley, that one corner was almost done. Back in the cupboard I went, for young mums don’t have time for needlework. I didn’t get pulled out again until a few years later, when Mavis’s sister Norma came to visit. She was also now married to American Air Force gentlemen who had been stationed here throughout the terrible war. She was off to hospital with her first baby, who unfortunately didn’t survive. To take her mind off the tragedy, Norma tried to do some work on me, but her heart was sad and mourning, so again I was packed away.

Years passed, many moves happened. Different boxes, different homes, many more children for Mavis, six in total. Wherever they went, I was always packed and taken along. Desley, now in her late teens and interested in sewing finds me in a box among her mother’s things. She hears my story and thinks it would be great to finish me. Desley gets started and finishes two of the corners and begins on my third.

In the meantime, she meets and marries the love of her life, and again I am pushed aside. Desley then gets pregnant and goes to hospital and attempts a little more work on me, but again it doesn’t last long. Once home from hospital, there is another big move on the way and the baby is too sick….and it is with deep regret I tell you, this little soul doesn’t make it either. Desley is too sad now to do anymore work with me.

The move then takes her two thousand miles away from everyone and a very lonely, and once more pregnant, Desley pulls me out of the cupboard again. I am forging a connection with this family, and helping them through their sad times.

Before you know it though, there are two healthy children to look after and always work to be done, so Desley passes me back to Mavis, since I really belonged to her. Desley was only trying to help finish me. Mother Mavis has more time now. Fifty years have passed sadly for her, as sometimes is the way of life. Try as she may, she never completed me. So I sit, forlorn of the once exciting future I longed for; lying beautifully on the table displaying my hand sewn designs.

Mavis is no longer with us now. As the family are going through her things, a young granddaughter by her first son finds the blue cloth amongst the linens and asks if she can have it. I’m sorry Desley says, but if anyone is to have it, it should be the oldest….I am laying my claim to this treasure. The six siblings all agree. I am so happy to know that I will be going to the person who has placed so much of her heart and soul into me. I am returned to Desley’s house once again, where she is determined, at last, to finish me off.

Working on my final corner, Desley reflects on life and what I have come to represent; the sad times and healing times this little blue cloth has seen. Sadly, she still didn’t manage to finish me then either. I fear my completion is never meant to be.

Two and a half years ago, in 2012 and twenty years after her mother, Mavis’s death, Desley lost her partner of 48 years. So again, she pulled me out of the cupboard. This time there is nothing to stop us and I am about to reach completion.

And now I am proudly finished. I sit in the linen cupboard with my Blue Bird blue, my pink French Knots and my lovely white zig zag pattern. I don’t think I’ll ever make it onto a table and be used for the purpose I was designed for, but I don’t think that really matters. I think I found a greater purpose, one of support and healing, and of that, I am very proud.

Publishing a book about my sexual abuse and my spiritualityis a risky business.

My choices and reasons for doing this can vary from day to day, but I passionately and determinedlybelieve that I am doing it for the right reasons.

One of the reasons became clear only once I actually started to write it.

It was immensely healing.

It clarified who I am to myself. What I value. What is important to me.

As the day that my words become whole book, manifested into the form of a tangible thing, something I can hold in my hand; it also becomes apparent that there is always more healing and learning that I will need. One thing that has come up for me again recently, which trigger my memories, insecurities and open the door on my fears about the choices I’ve made are these comments:

‘Just let it go’ and ‘She just needs to move on’

I am sure that many of you who have experienced abuse trauma will have heard a version of this if you, too, have spoken openly and continue to speak openly, about it.

When you read my story you will see that I use spirituality to help me heal. You will see that I believe in the ideal that we can indeed heal, move on – even thrive. However, hearing the words ‘let it go’ or ‘move on’ can be like having knitting needles shoved into my ears and a knife plunged straight into my heart. They are often delivered in that disdainful and eye rolling manner and make you feeling like an unloved, unimportant annoyance.

It’s like they really just want to say “For god sake shut up about it already. Stop throwing your pain at me. It is not my fault you got so damaged and I take no responsibility for it. You are making me incredibly uncomfortable by making me look at you and think about this thing again. Will you just go the f@#k away and fade into the background, so the rest of us don’t have to deal with our own cowardly inability to help you, support you and try to change what went wrong’ Our abuse is a major and significantpart of who we are and how our identity is formed. To heal, we need to find ways to integrate this part of ourselves into the whole and healed beingwe aim to become.

For me, this is how I am moving on. By writing about it. By talking about it. By not pushing it down into the shame filled spaces inside my subconscious mind and having it turn me into its puppet. By sharing my feelings and experiences, releasing them from inside of me, I give them freedom in the form of words.

My thoughts, actions and choices are making me into a newer better version of myself.

I hope they help others to feel a sense that we are not alone in our pain. As it is shared, it is diminishedin its intensity. Like it is no longer my own personal war, but that I am a soldier in the army of abuse survivors.

I hope my words and actions will help others to seek ways to heal themselves. To know that our determination to overcome can bring us the sense of self worththat was taken from us. This part of me is the part that will not be subdued and will not remain in victimisation.

What others are interpreting as me not letting go of my pain, is in fact, me, transformed by it instead.

I am transformed into this new being. This being still holds the memory and remembers the pain. It does not mean that I am continually sad and wailing and lost. It means that I have endured. I have faced demons. I have battled and I continue to overcome.

I no longer cry and shiver and shakeeach time I talk about my trauma, so in this way, I have let it go.

I have let it gofrom my emotional body. The energetic imprint has shifted.

I have shifted the vibration and so its capacity to overwhelm me is diminished, so in this way I have let goof the old way that it affected me.

I don’t have so many nightmares. They have let goof the grip on my subconscious.

I am not angry about it anymore. I don’t wish it never happened anymore. I have let that go.

I don’t think it about on a daily basis, so I don’t have daily anxiety. I have let that go.

(I still have anxiety, but not every day.)

So letting go can look like lots of different things too. But you still KNOW where you came from. What shaped and moulded you.

You integratethe feelings so that they become your power source, your drive and your motivation to live a whole, peaceful and purposeful life.

The experience is a part of the whole picture of who you are. Like a piece from a jigsaw puzzle. Just one piece, but essential to the whole, for without it, the whole thing looks wrong. The abuse is one of the keys that fit into the doorway to my shadow self. Embracing the shadowis also a part of the way I heal. I cannot deny the shadow. I cannot deny my past. My way is to acknowledge the magical light of our divine spirit, and the mire of the dark shadow of our soul. And so far it’s working out ok.