First of all, almost anyone could come up to you while you’re smoking peacefully in one of the three or four places in Australia where you are actually allowed to smoke, and say to you “Can I please see your licence”. This is troublesome and incredibly annoying to think about if you’re a smoker, which I am. So I’m troubled and incredibly annoyed.

Secondly, when you go into a shop to buy a pack of cigarettes, the people working in the shop will now hold an enormous amount of power over you. They’ll ask you for your licence, and if you can’t produce your licence for whatever reason, they will scream at you and kick you out of the shop, and possibly call the police (further research required on that last bit).

Thirdly, there will undoubtedly be “smoking officers” roaming around cities and towns. These officers will stop you mid-cigarette and ask you in a forceful yet “understanding” tone “Please may I see your licence”. Smokers will eventually become so frustrated by being stopped all the time, that there will have to be a new police code invented for describing the brutal murder of a smoking officer – code 69 I predict it will be called. I really hope they call it that.

Fourthly, the idea of a smoking licence implies that you will have to take smoking “lessons”. I don’t need smoking lessons, thank you very much, I’m an incredibly adept smoker, I can puff away with the best of them.

Dear Government,

If you really don’t want people to smoke, if you, quite rightly, think that smoking is a terrible thing to do, then BAN THEM! Ban cigarettes, make them illegal. This is coming from a smoker, ban cigarettes! It will be tough for the first few weeks, but after the first couple thousand of suicides due to nicotine starvation, the nation will be healthier than ever.