Real lives: "I'm happy to be a stay-at-home dad"

In this article

Steve, 36, has been a stay-at-home dad for the last two and a half years. He’s married to Katie, 35, and they live in West Sussex with their two children, Millie and Chloe.

Three months after Katie gave birth to their youngest daughter, Steve was made redundant. After talking through their options, they decided that it made sense for Katie to return to work full-time once her maternity leave ended. Meanwhile, Steve would stay at home with their children. This is Steve’s story.

Finding my feet

Once the decision had been made, I wasn't worried about taking on the majority of the childcare. I wasn't hugely career-minded and I didn't have a problem with not being the breadwinner any more. Generally, I was happy at the thought of being able to spend more time at home.

The main issue for me was getting used to the routine. It wasn't a complete shock to the system because I’d been involved in looking after the children before, but Katie had done most of it. Millie was at preschool in the mornings, so it was important to make sure she was ready and dropped off on time.

At the beginning, I was always thinking about what Katie would have done. But after a couple of months I started to trust myself, and felt confident I was making the right decisions for me and the children.

At first, Chloe was still young enough to be carried around, so she just tagged along with me and Millie. With Chloe, it was mainly thinking about what food to prepare. I still had time for myself during the day while she was sleeping.

As the girls have grown older, it’s become more demanding rather than difficult. It's the usual practicalities of looking after two small children: organising events, going swimming, visiting grandparents. Basically, you need to fill up their time with activities so that you’re not all stuck in the house all day.

Making a network of friends to do things with during the day was probably the most difficult thing. This is really because most stay-at-home parents are mums. It wasn't too much of a problem because I'm not at all shy and will talk to anyone. That said, the first time I went to the local parent-and-toddler group I was asked, "Are you in the right place?"

I found that it was usually up to me to arrange a meet-up or an outing rather than wait for others to ask. I do feel that mums are more wary of male company, even though you both have children. They probably find it difficult to invite a dad round. Although I’ve found that this is starting to change.

The downsides

There haven't been any real disadvantages. Katie has noticed, though, that Chloe comes to me rather than her if she’s upset or if we come home after a night out together. Looking back, it was probably harder for Katie to return to work than it was for me to look after the children.

I find the tantrums the most difficult thing to deal with. You need a lot of patience to cope with the kids’ demands and their arguments. It's both physically and mentally stressful coping with two bickering siblings.

The toughest part of the day now is after we've picked Millie up from school. Both the girls are tired, and I'm tired, which makes everything 10 times worse. I just have to keep going until Katie gets home. Then I do think, "Thank God you're home."

Katie says that when she comes home I think that my day has ended, but it's not that. It’s mostly driven by the girls because they want Mummy-time. To start with I did take too much of a back seat and left Katie to do their bath and get them to bed. Now I realise that she’s tired, and needs the chance to sit down and unwind, too.

When Katie gets in these days, I make her a coffee. Then we all go into the living room and talk about our day. There’s more flexibility in who does bathtime and bedtime.

Housework can be an area where Katie will ask me what I have been doing all day. My idea of what passes for tidy is different from hers. I’ve got better as time has gone on, but I don’t think it’s ever worth stressing over.

Looking back

It wasn't at all what we’d anticipated but we really wouldn't have changed anything. Katie may have wanted to at first, but circumstances and her attitude to parenting have changed. She doesn't feel that she’s suffered. She sees the girls every morning and evening and we do things as a family at the weekend.

Katie knows that I’m more laid-back as a parent whereas she gets stressed. It’s worked out for us both.

Looking forward

I’ve retrained as a sports therapist since I’ve been at home. When both of the girls are at school I hope to carry on with that. It should be good in the long-term because it gives me the flexibility to work for myself or to work part-time around school hours.

Steve's top tips

If you’re taking over the childcare from your partner, it's important that you establish your own routine rather than trying to step into her shoes.

Your partner may feel left out if she had wanted to be a stay-at-home mum. Keep her involved by talking about what you’ve done during each day.

Listen to your partner's ideas on things to do, and parenting styles. Talk about what you feel comfortable incorporating into the day, and what you know won't suit you and why.

Be prepared to make the effort to get to know other parents. Join the local parent-and-baby group and don't be shy.

Last reviewed: June 2017

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