Don't see a future, or a point.

This is going to be a really really long message because I have lots of problems so hang in there. I have been to many places and asked advice from many people but nothing has helped yet.

Where to start, hmm. Well I'm a 25 year old male that is going back to school fulltime, looking to become a computer engineer/programmer if I make it that far.

Problems all began around 9 years ago when I was a junior in high school. I overdosed on massive amounts of Adderall with a huge panic attack mixed in. The doctors said if i wasn't young and in shape I would have died from a heart attack or stroke. I honestly now wish I did.

Ever since that day I have suffered from severe anxiety that actually keeps me from leaving the house a lot of the time (its also bad in home sometimes, but its not as bad). I can no longer take any type of pill or medication because I cannot stand the feeling of loopyness(sp?) or a high feeling because it gives me flashbacks. I am also deathly afraid of taking anything that looks like a pill, even vitamins. This has prevented any doctor from being able to prescribe me a medicine for it.

I was able to finish high school and my senior year I started my first real relationship(she was a freshmen, dealing with a traumatic event which I helped her through). After a few months we fell in love and did everything together and almost never left each others side. Unfortunately this backfires as you will see later.

After High school we stayed together and I attended the community college close by so that we could stay close. After the first year my anxiety was getting worse and got the best of me and I couldn't even attend classes, I had to drop out. At this point I was able to mask it so well that my girlfriend didn't even know thats the reason I had to quit.

I held a few shitty phone jobs but each only lasted a few months than I quit. Than I'd wait a year and do the same thing with another shitty phone job. Keep in mind the only reasons I quit was because the anxiety would force me to miss too many days of work. My girlfriend didn't worry because she didn't care about how much money I made or what job I did.

Eventually after a few years of this I finally couldn't hide or lie about my problem any longer and let my girlfriend know everything. She didn't have a problem with it at all because she loved me so much, this was very comforting to know somebody loves you unconditionally and she still wanted to marry me, and we were still soul mates and all that jazz.

At this point I started to seek real help for my anxiety and other issues by going to an outpatient mental health program. I did this for a few months and the anxiety seemed to subside, but only because it normally does with time (it comes and goes in phases, which is why im able to hold a job for a little, or go to school, more on school later).

After the outpatient I decided I should try to go back to school so I could get better jobs and maybe my anxiety would magically disappear...heh.... Whats sad is that at this point my gf was already 2 years ahead of me in school because of all the time I lost in between jobs because of my anxiety. This was ok though, she was going to a local school and we actually even moved in together. (just to give you a timeline roughly, we moved in together in September 09).

Now I should mention that throughout our relationship we did have fights, and I always seemed to take it too far and say things that you should never say, even in a fight. Horrible things that I will not mention here or ever again. Eventually, roughly 2 weeks ago, we got into a huge fight and I said something again. This was the last straw for her and she left to live with her mom (roughly 1 1/2 hours away). So we made it just about 8 years.

This is when I realized I'm the biggest douchebag asshole loser in the entire world and begged and begged her back. I even enrolled in therapy and anger management, however the damage was too deep for her. She doesn't see me as the same person anymore because of all the things I have said. I have tried but I know for a complete fact that she is not going to get back with me because its unhealthy.

Please don't take me as a bad person, I believe my crazy anger episodes come from the anxiety because anger seems to help me ignore the anxiety.

Since that day roughly two weeks ago I have not eaten much at all, slept much at all, and thoughts of suicide along with MANY thoughts about our relationship and what her life is going to be like without me are racing through my head.

The two parts that are hurting the most at this time I think are, one, I can't take the thought of her spending her life, getting married, having kids, and falling in love with another man. That is something I imagined would happen with me, and now someone will be taking my place. And two, that no woman that is like her (she always seemed to want to do the things i wanted to do, and loved to do them, and she was so so beautiful, literally the girl of my dreams even after 8 years) will ever ever ever even consider being with someone like me who has anxiety enough that I'm scared I may not be able to provide for a family in the future. The reason I think about part 2 is because if I can't hold a job or attend class regularly after 8 years of this, how will I in the future? It has only seemed to get worse, even though I have gotten help (besides the outpatient, I have been to a few doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists).

I always dreamed of having a girl who would be my first and last, and this was the case until now. I thought we were soulmates and after we got married on earth and passed on, we'd be together again in heaven for eternity. She used to feel the exact same way.

I have been around friends and family a lot lately, but nothing seems to help at all. I have ridiculous psychotic thoughts and if I didn't believe in hell I promise you I'd be dead already.

I don't know what to do anymore, please I need advice or kind words. I have asked almost everyone I know about this, however nothing has helped so I saw this forum and decided to ask for help here. Hopefully someone has some type of answer.

If I forgot anything I will post it as I'm sure I've missed things. Please feel free to ask me questions, I will answer anything if you think it will help.

This is when I realized I'm the biggest douchebag asshole loser in the entire world and begged and begged her back. I even enrolled in therapy and anger management, however the damage was too deep for her. She doesn't see me as the same person anymore because of all the things I have said. I have tried but I know for a complete fact that she is not going to get back with me because its unhealthy.

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Hi vanillajuice. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time in your life and that you have just lost the love of your life. If you really love her, then you have to try and get her back, though the hurtful words that you said to her may have been too much. I truly believe that she was indeed your soulmate, but real life doesn't always have happy endings. I don't know if you'll ever find a person who can love you unconditionally as she did, but please don't give up. :hug:

Right now, you're in the very painful place where you're dealing with consequences of your actions and also needing to grieve for the relationship. Do you currently have any therapy?

Looking back over what you said about your anxiety I just wondered what therapies you have had that helped with that. Have you tried CBT? Or CAT? Or have you tried Mindfulness? I personally found Mindfulness very helpful with my anxiety (there's a link in my sig about it), and wondered if it might be something worth you checking out.

If you look towards the future that can feel completely overwhelming so its probably better to just focus on this moment in time, and on a managable chunk of time. It's so, so fresh right now that trying to look further will probably feel unachievable.

That's probably of no help at all, but I read your thread and didn't want to read and run and not leave a reply.

Hi vanillajuice. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time in your life and that you have just lost the love of your life. If you really love her, then you have to try and get her back, though the hurtful words that you said to her may have been too much. I truly believe that she was indeed your soulmate, but real life doesn't always have happy endings. I don't know if you'll ever find a person who can love you unconditionally as she did, but please don't give up. :hug:

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I know she doesn't see me as the same person anymore. She even said that there were a lot of incompatibilities and we argued too much. The last time we talked she said she can't keep in contact anymore. So everything is done through our parents as the median's. There is no way I'm going to get her back, trust me I've already tried everything.

Unfortunately I was too late in learning the err of my ways. I know I will never find anyone else that will love me as much as her. I always saw myself with someone too, so why should I even be here if who I want will never take me back, and I will never find anyone like her?

Right now, you're in the very painful place where you're dealing with consequences of your actions and also needing to grieve for the relationship. Do you currently have any therapy?

Looking back over what you said about your anxiety I just wondered what therapies you have had that helped with that. Have you tried CBT? Or CAT? Or have you tried Mindfulness? I personally found Mindfulness very helpful with my anxiety (there's a link in my sig about it), and wondered if it might be something worth you checking out.

If you look towards the future that can feel completely overwhelming so its probably better to just focus on this moment in time, and on a managable chunk of time. It's so, so fresh right now that trying to look further will probably feel unachievable.

That's probably of no help at all, but I read your thread and didn't want to read and run and not leave a reply.

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Thank you for the reply. I have gone through something like CBT I believe. In the way that I expose myself to the situations. I have kinda been doing this for 9 years though and it hasn't worked. Some days I'm able to do things I normally wouldn't but most days I'll do the exact same thing and the anxiety will act up, it doesn't make sense.

I almost know I need to take medicine to get over this. However knowing that doesn't get me over the fear of taking something. It's pretty hopeless for my life right now. Nobody will ever love me like she did and I will never get over my anxiety and even be close to normal. FML