Mennonites and Morphsuits at the Mall

I sat in the shopping mall food court munching on onion rings awash in vinegar and dusted generously with sea salt, wondering, “Will they or won’t they” as a young, traditionally-garbed Mennonite couple cruised the A&W counter for the third time.

Three figures strolled into my peripheral vision, silhouettes in vivid colour, three young men in Morphsuits, one each of red, orange and blue.

Morphsuits are made from super stretchy, slightly sheer, Lycra (think thick pantyhose). They are basically jumpsuits that cover the body, literally, head to toe. Believers consider them less a costume and more a philosophy about getting out there and adding a little shock-value to a party.

Questions leaped to mind, some practical, some not. Inside the Costume Boxwas the definitive source for the answers:

How do you get in and out of a Morphsuit? One long zipper down the back, of course.

How do you go to the bathroom? Unzip and roll down to get to the plumbing.

Do you have to be buff to wear one? Guess not, if you buy into the Morphsuit Philosophy. They did nothing to conceal the baby-fat pooches of the three I saw.

What do you wear under a Morphsuit? Think slick, bike pants or tights. One of three I saw must have been shy, boxers rode just above the crack.

Can you see out of it? Inside the Costume Box suggests pulling a pair of dark stockings over your head to see for yourself. Apparently you’ll be able to see where you are going for the most part, in well lit areas or outdoors during the day. They recommend not to driving while wearing one.

Can you drink through the material? Yup! Who’d have guessed.

Does it have pockets? Nope.

I didn’t have long to observe the three. Mall security surrounded and hustled them out, something about how they couldn’t be in the shopping mall with their faces fully covered. Dejected blue boy’s boxers slipped even further down his rounded hips as they were escorted to the exit.

Oh, and the young Mennonite couple, I spotted them again in the organic food market.

Hi Gilly, I discovered body language in primary colours without facial expression is profound … doubly sad to watch their vivid, slumped shoulders and shuffling feet when the Guards evicted them from the Mall.