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NeoBahamutZEROX - Every time a petal falls a young life is taken by lady Death hands... TALK - No time given!

Ok this is my first Forum, so I don't know what hell I'm doing. Anyway this is Final Fantasy game I come up with and use the Hero and Villain I made in Make Your own Hero Or villian and I'm share with you guys. Now first I don't have good grammar so please forgive me if thing don't sound right, if can fix it that will be a big help. And second I'm not very original so some characters and others thing may sound familiar. I will accept any help to make better.

Contents

The story is set in the corrupted world of Sairis, a land ruled by an evil emperor. There are two groups, those with money and power and those who struggle to survive. The emperor ordered his army to kill off a legendary race know as Espers, they tried their best to fight back but they were all killed to near extinction. The last Esper fell in love with a human named Sara Dusk, but a group of villager's feared the legendary being so they killed him. Sara was pregnant with the Esper's children and had twins, a boy and a girl named Zane and Clourra, however she fell ill during birth. When they were 10 their mother died from her illness and they were forced to live in an orphanage. The orphans there were very cruel to them, but Zane tried his best to protect his sister. When they were 14 Clourra was kidnapped by some crazy man, but Zane found him and killed him, however Clourra was traumatized by the event and Zane became a criminal and had to leave orphanage and Clourra. For the next year Clourra was emotionally scared, but when the year had past she too left the orphanage, stealing two rare Gunblades before leaving, and began to look for her brother.

Up to Four characters in a party, and you can switch them out during a battle. The Battle System is the Active Time Battle System (I like this System better then Real Time Battle System). And like in VI there are events and dungeons that the party will be separated.

Magic is seperated into five categories, White, Black, Gray, Time & Space and Arcane.

White:This is home to Holy base spells like Cure for healing and Light for attacking.

Black:This is home to elemental spells like Fire, Blizzard, Thunder, as well as some Non-Elemental offensive magic like Flare.

Gray:This is home to Support and status spells as well as the Poison Element.

Time & Space:Spells that deal with time, like Haste, or with space, like Comet, along with the the Gravity element, can be found here.

Arcane:Home to spells under the house of Darkness, such as Death, and spells aligned with the element Dark.

For a party member to a learn a spell, They need to equip a Mana Crystal, each character can only equip two crystals at one time, and there exists only one of each mana crystal, and you need AP to learn each spell.

Ok, 1st problem on the 1st line: Evil Empire. It's bland, it's overused, and it's not necessary. I find the setting to be more in place on a post near apocalyptic war/catastrophe that caused the near extinction of the espers. The orphans being raised in a hostile world where the mighty fights each other for what's left of everything while the weak get their ass beaten by the strong. You can replace the Emperor with a strong 'clan' leader trying to unite everything, but we'll get to it later.

Now, the characters. Not bad, for once killing have the traumatic effects it should have. But that cheerful ninja is another overused thing. Why cant a story have a real ninja? And no, not the dark, brooding ninja, nor the colourful and gullible one, but the ordinary one. As in a seemingly ordinary person who is secretly an assassin. Real ninjas are more of a chameleon than a shadow. Have your ninja an 'ordinary', 'everyday' merchant/farmer who can kick major ass when needed. Extra points if he uses a small sickle and he's a 'farmer'.
Another minor glitch is the 'Noble Monk'. Try having a brutal, hardcore, boisterous bruiser of a monk while keeping his sense of justice and honour intact. I dunno, it's like, he goes "You've gambled in the House of the gods?!! MEET MY FIST OF PAIN!!!" in which he punches the head off a gambler.

Now, on to the 'Emperor'. Chaotic Evil is boring. They are evil without any reason. If you follow the post-near-apocalyptic setting, you can have the 'Emperor' as someone who wants to rebuild everything back to it's glory, but since mankind has been reduced to senseless scavenging animals, he gotta soil his own hands... With blood. In the end, he is a Well Intentioned Extremist, who believes that Utopia Justifies the Means. Now of course, in order to assure his authority and order, he gotta be something more than a man, so he posed himself as a Saint who shall lead the people to salvation of something (and kill the ones who refuse).
Then we go to ZERO. He is a half esper/god who wants to make a better world for him and his sister. You can see the link between him and the Emperor I pictured above. I say have the Emperor use ZERO as a 'poster boy', to show the people the Emperor's might. He is also interested in ZERO's 'Utopia for little sis and me' thing, but of course, he thought ZERO wants to make a normal utopia for everyone, not killing everyone and reshape the world in his image. So while the Emperor is a Well Intentioned Extremist, ZERO is an Unsuspecting Destroyer (Yeah, I made that one up, sue me).

See? It starts to look a bit more original like this! Then again, you gotta think what makes a story original, I'm just giving you some option.

NeoBahamutZEROX - Every time a petal falls a young life is taken by lady Death hands... TALK - No time given!

Thanks for the tips, sense the idea has been dead for who know how long. I guess this is something I could with TC going as slow as it is.

Zerox, as a writer, I'm going to give you an advice for a good story: Try something different in the idea itself, something that you would like to see that no other story has because that way you can add some originality and also, the characters shouldn't be this common, you can make the Main character somewhat selfish, with flaws and without the common 'I fight for justice/someone/the world' thing.

NeoBahamutZEROX - Every time a petal falls a young life is taken by lady Death hands... TALK - No time given!

Thanks, but I kinda forgot about this because I'm busy with other things, but I can't imagined Clourra being selfish.