The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998

February 14, 2000

I sit here, staring at my computer screen and wondering just what
the heck I'm going to talk about. Last week's shows were such a total snore.
Of course, now that I've said that, I'll probably end up going on for pages
and pages of text, like always.

I guess we can start with everyone in the stairwell at the hospital
watching Alex have a breakdown. In front of David, Erica and Edmund - Defender
of Psychos, Alex admitted to killing Geoffrey. Edmund is so on my nerves
with all this. He's everywhere, at any given time. He constantly defends
Alex the Loon, gets in David's face for pointing out that Alex murdered
someone, and just in general is so annoying with his constant.. "I'll
help you no matter what" rigmarole. He's everywhere Alex is. Doesn't
he ever work at Tempo anymore? He even did his research on Geoffrey Ashford
on Alex's computer in her office. Excuse me Ed, but you have an office.
Maybe you should go to it sometime in this millennium.

So, because Alex headed back to the Hunting Lodge, where do you suppose
we find Edmund? At the Hunting Lodge, questioning Alex about Geoffrey. Well
she remembers killing the guy, but she doesn't remember who he is, why she
killed him or what he is to her. You know what... I don't really care. I
don't care who any of these insignificant people are. And I resent the fact
that characters like Dimitri, Tim, Trevor... and any day now, Janet and
Amanda, are sacrificed for this twaddle. Those are characters I cared about.
I don't give one flying uh... fig, yeah fig, about Geoffrey Ashford killing
his daughter, who was a childhood friend of Alex's. Is there a reason I
should care about this? I can't find one. But what else have I got to talk
about. So... Edmund looks up info on Geoffrey online and before he's blocked
out with a big huge "ACCESS DENIED" message, he finds out that
Geoffrey was a diplomat and had a daughter named Cassandra, and also had
a son I think.. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. So, when Edmund
mentions Cassandra, Alex the Screaming Fainting Wonder, screams and faints.
So Ed urges Alex to undergo hypnosis again. They call Rae, who is embroiled
in her own trauma but always seems to drop it all to run to the aid of Psycho
Alex. Rae arrives and Psycho tells her she killed a man. Rae, who is completely
unfazed by this revelation, tells her she must have had a good reason for
it. Whatever.

Under hypnosis, Alex remembers that she saw a drunken Geoffrey kill
his daughter. Once Alex is back in the waking world, she thinks the mystery
is solved. Investigative Journalist, Edmund, who is on hiatus to save another
woman from herself, doesn't think this is the end of the story. Alex is
ready to drop it all until, at the mall, a crazed gunman grabs Alex and
holds a gun to her head. We were treated to a slow motion account of Alex
subduing the criminal with martial arts. Funny, the guy held onto his gun
the whole time and just watched as she kicked and karate chopped him. But
since he did shoot that gun seven times he had negative one bullet left,
so I guess he couldn't shoot Alex even if he wanted to. The funny part is,
that Alex, who screams, faints, cries and runs from the room, whenever David
looks at her sideways, was able to subdue the thug without even breaking
a nail. And when Edmund asks her where she learned the skill of overpowering
thugs, she had no idea. So... back to square one: Who is Alex, what's her
story, and who really cares. Not I. *yawn*

Leo stole Palmer's will. Have you noticed how AMC has really started
to pay attention to little details? For example, I was watching this scene
with Leo and Nessie when he gives her PC's will. I'm thinking... isn't PC
going to notice that his will is missing? Well, no sooner did I think that
when Leo mentioned that he copied the will and put the original back. Watching
those little things is a big step in the right direction in my book. Oh...
so Nessie was peeved that she wasn't mentioned at all in the will and is
now plotting to get herself in it. *yawn*

The consensus seems to be that Jake and Gillian are rushing into things.
Joe thinks so, and so does Ryan. Joe tells Jake that he is marrying Gillian
for all the wrong reasons, while Ryan pleads with Gillian to give them another
chance. So, while Gillian tells Ryan that she is not the one who gave up
on them, Jake tells Joe that Gillian is fine with the marriage plan and
the plan to get custody of Colby. It's right here that Jake gets the first
of two I NEED TO BE SLAPPED awards this week...
Joe questions Jake about taking Colby from Liza and Jake replies, "Liza
can see Colby anytime she wants." Well, that's mighty big of you Jake.
Ugh. And at the Boathouse, Ryan is telling Gillian that there is no way
Jake can make her feel how he makes her feel and then beats on his chest
like a gorilla. Gillian is not convinced and thinks Ryan only wants her
now that she is unavailable. She tells him he had his chance, over and over,
and he threw it away. Gillian gets this weeks PERFORMER
OF THE WEEK award. I'm absolutely loving her. She really wants to
believe Ryan, she really wants to be with him. But she's struggling so hard
to keep everything together and wants so badly to help Jake. But still,
she has to know that Liza will use the information of Colby not being Jake's
daughter if it comes down to Jake actually winning. There is now way Liza
will let him have her. Ryan starts to get suspicious of Gillian's motivation
for marrying Jake when Gillian continues to say that they are protecting
Colby from Adam. It almost looks as though she's going to spill the beans
about Colby to Ryan, but then she runs off instead.

Back at Wildwind, Gilly has a nightmare about her life as a Martin.
It's like a bad 50's sitcom. Sort of like a cross between "Leave It
To Beaver" and "The Twilight Zone." It's definitely this
weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK because you just know
they all had a blast playing it. Tad and Jake were both such nerds! But
hey, the symbolism was not lost on me. The Martin's were all in black and
white, but when Ryan came into the story, he was in color. While Gilly is
having this wacky dream, Ryan is daydreaming about Gillian coming back to
him.

Ryan urges Waifley to help him find out what is going on with the
custody suit. Turns out, Waifley is also suspicious of this sudden custody
suit and agrees to help Ryan find out what is really going on.

After Gilly wakes up, she writes Jake a letter telling him the truth.
She finds him sleeping on the UGS in the Wildwind living room and puts the
letter on his chest so he will see it as soon as he wakes up. Did he move
into Wildwind or what? Sheesh. Well, of course, he never saw the letter.
So Gilly, thinking it was fate intervening once again, find the letter and
burns it. Gillian then goes to see Ryan. She tells him that she has made
her choice and that is to be with Jake. Ryan is not taking this lightly.
He asks her if she still loves him, but she can't answer him. He continues
with his... "Jake can't make you feel like I make you feel." spiel.
And as she's walking out, he calls to her and they kiss. A big whooping,
it looked like he slipped her the tongue, kind of kiss. After they break
the kiss, Gilly admits, grudgingly, that she still does love Ryan, but it
doesn't matter, she's marrying Jake anyway. Ryan tries to get Gillian to
admit why she's marrying Jake, but she won't. And now there's another glitch,
Tramplee is listening to it all at the door. Geez, what would this show
be if they didn't have eavesdroppers?

When Gillian leaves Ryan's apartment, instead of going to see Ryan,
Tramplee heads out after Gillian, following her to the mall. She's got a
plan. When she sees Gilly coming, she pretends to be crying, and of course
Gilly stops to see if she's OK. Tramplee makes up some tale about how Ryan
made love to her all night, told her he loved her and this morning he left
and told her he didn't want to see her anymore. She leads Gilly to believe
that Ryan plays games with women and once he gets what he wants, he moves
on. For reasons I can't even begin to comprehend, Gillian believes her.

While all this is going on, the Martins (with Adrian included this
time thankyouverymuch) congregate at Myrt's for a party for Jake and Gillian.
Kind of like a wedding party/shower because they are getting married on
a school day and this is the only day in history that they can't get out
of school. Since Gilly is late, Jake starts opening their presents without
her. Nice guy. Of course the gifts are really stupid so I guess it doesn't
matter anyway. Jack arrives at the party with a court order for Jake to
bring Colby to Liza immediately with absolutely no visitation until after
the custody hearing. For some peculiar reason, they think that this must
be Adam's doing because hell, Liza is just going to sit back and watch Jake
take her child. She wouldn't fight back on her own huh? Duh.

By this time, Ryan has gone to the Chandler's to try and find out
what is going on. He wants Liza's help with stopping the wedding now. He
is very suspicious and wants to know why Jake is going after custody. He
tells Adam and Liza that he still loves Gillian and wants her back. A little
light bulb goes off above Adam's head when he realizes Ryan may be just
the help he's looking for. But just then, Jake and Gilly arrive with Colby.
Jake is pissy cuz Adam's there. Jake is pissy cuz Liza got a court order.
And this is where Jake gets his second of two I NEED
TO BE SLAPPED awards this week. Jake had the damn nerve to say, as
he was giving Colby to Liza, "This is the last time I give her to you
without permission." OH SCREW YOU JAKE! Sheesh. What an ass.

After Jake and Gillian leave, Liza takes Colby to her bedroom and
leaves Ryan with Adam. Ahh, just the chance Adam was looking for. He can't
tell Ryan exactly what is going on, because of his promise to Liza. But
of course, being Adam, he figures out a way around it. Adam takes Ryan to
the safe room and tells him to listen to everything he and Liza talk about
on the monitor. Ryan is listening and not believing what he is hearing.
Add him to the growing list of people who know that Jake is not Colby's
father. Next to find out... Tad. From there, I'm sure all hell is going
to break loose.

Well, it seems as though Tramplee's near rape experience hasn't softened
her any. She's scheming to ruin Ryan's chances with Gillian, she's still
a nasty little snot to Becca. But she does get this weeks LINE
OF THE WEEK, when, at the mall with Leo, she spots Becca and Scott
and says, "Look, it's the human chastity belt and Dudley Doright."
The four of them have an uncomfortable and snide-remark-laden cup of coffee,
when Scott decides he's had enough and he and Becca leave. They are walking
around, talking and Becca is telling Scott that Leo isn't such a bad guy,
when Alex's gun-toting maniac comes running through the mall shooting and
screaming before he grabs Alex. Scott dives on top of Becca to protect her.
Once the man is caught, and they get back up, Becca has stars in her eyes
and her little heart is going pitter-pat because Scott protected her. He
then tells her that he loves her and Becca is so overcome that she jams
her tongue down Scott's throat. Hmm, lot's of tongue action on AMC this
week huh?

Meaningless Drivel of the Week... Assholeo
and Waifley go tell Adam they are getting married. Adam pretends to be happy
for them. Actually, this was a little better than meaningless because it
was the only time that Assholeo was really on all week! I take it back.
The only way this could have been better is if Waifley had gone alone and
we didn't have to see Assholeo at all the whole week!

While Waifley and Assholeo are at Adam and Liza's, they tell her that
she may be called to the witness stand during the custody hearing and want
to make sure she doesn't badmouth dear old Dad. Well, it's exactly at this
point of the story when ... and I'm totally serious, a BAT flew through
my living room. It was Wednesday evening, nothing was on TV so Mr. Diva
and I rewound the tape and started watching. Well, all is fine and dandy,
when suddenly something is flapping around my living room! I'm not the least
bit ashamed to say that I screamed and ran into the bathroom. Boris was
not far behind me either. In case you don't know, I have two cats, Boris
and Natasha. Boris was a big girlie chicken with his mommy while Natasha
tried to catch the dang thing herself! Well, our intruder was not very healthy
and ended up lying on our kitchen floor and not moving after his initial
fly through the house. So, I came out of the bathroom and Mr. Diva threw
a towel over the bat. What a racket! Damn that thing made the most disgusting
noises. So, as I held the door, Mr. Diva ran outside and tossed Mr. Bat
out of the house. He hit the driveway with thud, but he wasn't there in
the morning. So, he either became some other cat's dinner, or he flew off
somewhere. Either way, I don't care, I'm just glad he's gone! That was a
major freak out. After about 15 minutes or so, and we were all calm, we
realized we couldn't find Boris, so we went to look for him. We found him
cowering under our bed, with the biggest eyes I've ever seen! The poor baby
was all pupil. I think he was more scared than I was! I guess Natasha got
all hunting instincts!

Back to the show... Adrian finds out that Rae's husband Daniel paid
sleazoid attorney Lyle Wedgewood $10,000 for some reason. Rae is taken aback
by this information and decides to break into Lyle's office. Adrian discourages
this but knows she's going to do it anyway so he follows her so he can help
her. But Adrian isn't as stealthy as he used to be I guess, since Derek
actually catches them in Lyle's office and arrests them. But not before
Rae finds her name in a ledger next to Daniel's name and the name Fannie
Battle. At the police station, Lyle arrives and tells Rae that he will drop
all the charges if she will never bother him again. Tad, who happens to
have been there, I guess Adrian called him, agrees to Lyle's terms. But
Rae goes after Lyle and tells him she cannot give up. He shrugs and walks
off.

When Rae tells Myrtle about her latest news, Myrt is taken aback.
She knows this Fannie Battle woman; hell, Myrt knows a lot more than she's
letting on. She is up to her eyeballs in this Rae thing and I have to say
that I think she's going to end up being Rae's mother. What I don't understand
is why she doesn't just tell Rae, since she seems to know already, but I
guess that would be too much of a shock to just blurt out. So who is Fannie
Battle anyway? Is she an old carnie friend of Myrt's? What does Fannie Battle's
Home for Unwed Mothers have to do with Rae? I guess we will find out soon
because Rae's time in Pine Valley is about up.

Leo hires some dude named Paolo to seduce Marian. OK... that's our
Meaningless Drivel of the Week. That and how dare Leo judge Tramplee for
trying to come between Ryan and Gillian when he's doing something this despicable.