If you’ve been reading this blog for the last nine years, which you have, then you’re familiar with some of the universal rules I’ve selflessly shared, like, “If she’s over thirty she better get dirty,” “Stealing hotel shampoo on your first night can triple your haul,” and “Don’t get fat.”

From time to time this running list violates that very last rule and I find it necessary to boil it down to only the most essential. So here now, for your reading pleasure, I present the one true rule for leading an awesome life. Err, three rules. Sorry, make that five simple rules. Okay, now it’s fifteen. Twenty. I’m capping it at twenty! Here are the thirty rules everyone should follow.