Now, don’t get ahead of yourself. We realize that the headline may look like an obituary, but no. John Bolton, as far as anyone can tell, is alive, and whatever demonic pact he’s made to keep that ticker going and that mustache growing is still firmly intact.

We bring up his name because there was a rerun the other day on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart featuring Bolton. Besides saying the exact opposite of what was demonstrable truth in regards to the UN, Iraq, and even Abraham Lincoln, we were reminded of this story which went rather underreported at the time of Bolton’s UN confirmation.

If you click on the link, you won’t see the usual John Bolton story – that he’s often an enraged, bitter man who throws things at subordinates, that he claims that the UN doesn’t exist, etc., no – what you’ll find is some juicy gossip regarding his first wife.

Y’see, back in the day, Bolton was quite a swinger (literally), and forced his wife to go to Plato’s Retreat, a swinger’s hot spot in New York City. Apparently, group sex wasn’t her thing, and she not only fled from him and got a speedy divorce while he was out of the country on business, she took all of their furniture with her. Dayum!

Now, there aren’t too many people we know that have been through a divorce, but the ones that we do know never had their shit stolen from them by their exes while they were out of the country. So, we’d have to put Ex-Mrs. Bolton’s evacuation somewhere on the “Holy-shit-I’m-going-to-stab-that-fucker-to-death-if-I-ever-see-him-again” side of the Panic Scale.

With that in mind, we’ve pieced together the events at Plato’s Retreat into this power ballad for our readers. Sung from Ex-Mrs. Bolton’s point of view, it explores love, betrayal, and group sex in a way that no other power ballad has ever dared to. Enjoy!