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So, we made it to the second column! I hope that you appreciated and enjoyed the wisdom of Almighty Kong imparted unto you last time. But it wasn’t enough: it’s never enough. And so you have returned to the Lord of the Monkeys, for another heaping helping of fun! Let’s get to it, [...]

So, we made it to the second column! I hope that you appreciated and enjoyed the wisdom of Almighty Kong imparted unto you last time. But it wasn’t enough: it’s never enough. And so you have returned to the Lord of the Monkeys, for another heaping helping of fun! Let’s get to it, shall we? But first, I would like to recognize and thank all of our friends at Newsarama, who contributed questions for this column! Keep ‘em coming, folks!

Webhead10 asks:O Lord of Apes, where is 616 Baby May?

Well, Webby, that’s a hard question to answer. For starters, in case any of you have never read a comic book in your lives, Baby May was the child of Peter and Mary Jane Watson Parker. She was stillborn… or was she? You see, it has been stated by Marvel that she died at birth, it has been implied by Marvel that she was kidnapped and held by a nurse at the birthing, one (now deceased) Alison Mongrain, following what she THOUGHT were the wishes of the Green Goblin. However, the truth is far more sinister: The Green Goblin, who never wanted the baby kidnapped, just dead, knew that the child must never be found. Thus, he made a pact with Mephisto in a horrifying ceremony, giving Mephisto the child’s soul, and allowing him to take the baby. This daughter of Mephisto, named Malevolence, would later battle the Guardians of the Galaxy in the far future.

John Lewis asks us two questions:How well can Daredevil taste things? Also, have the two Ghost Riders (Ketch and Blaze) ever met?

Daredevil is a clever one, no doubt about it. He realized at an early age that, as ALL his senses were hypersensitive, his sense of smell would never allow him to be within eight feet of another person without being able to smell their last seven farts, and that his sense of taste would force him to taste not just his current meal, but everything that had ever touched the silverware in his mouth. Since he used a very strong dish soap, that was not a thrilling prospect. Therefore, being clever….Matt Murdock took up smoking. He smoked throughout his college years, and has deadened his senses of taste and smell to the point of being able to live comfortably.

In addition, not only have the two Ghost Riders MET, they are in fact brothers! (That is not a joke. They really are long-lost brothers.)

McAlice asks:Why is Detective Chimp the best monkey character ever created in comics?

Because he’s awesome, and if you disagree, he’ll fuck you up. That’s how he rolls. Plus, man, he wears a DEERSTALKER CAP! How cool is that?!

The Poster Formerly Known as Forbush Man asks:Oh Great Monkey, why is there such an abundance of monkeys at DC and not at Marvel?

Short answer is: Marvel Comics did not have Julius Schwartz. Julie Schwartz had a semi-famous policy at DC Comics during his tenure: Monkeys sell. Thus, when a book’s sales started to dip, the editors would order a monkey or ape based story, usually gorillas, and sales would go right back up. Marvel did not have Julie, so they did not know of this simple formula.

You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

Habitual asks:What is the difference between a Monkey and an Ape, and answer carefully, you’re being watched…

The Lord of the Monkeys does not respond to petty threats. Next question.

Nathan wants to know:Oh Great Nut-Scratching Monkey God, what is the current fate of Halo formerly of The Outsiders? Will she ever be a regular character in a monthly series?

Nathan, Halo has recently been seen in the pages of 52, aiding in the search for the missing heroes. Will she be seen in a monthly? Only if YOU demand it! Excelsior! (Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that.)

Dr. Stranger inquires:Oh great and wise Lord Simian, why does Tony Stark have such a self righteous attitude about people who haven’t registered being law breakers when he committed treason by hiring the Titanium Man to attack a Congressional hearing only a couple of months ago in Marvel Time?

Well, my good Doctor, there is something you must keep in mind. Iron Man is a self-righteous douchebag, and always has been. When HE does something like that, it is likely he justified it to himself as “for the greater good”, or some such excuse. When other people do it, well…. Negative Zone City, baby! Jerk.

All right, that about does it for this installment of this column. Thanks for reading, and hopefully you’ll all contribute for the next one! And in closing, I would like to pose a question to YOU: Should we be concerned that this is the second straight column where John Lewis has posed a question about Daredevil’s bodily functions?