No Miracles In This Exchange

September 21, 1988|By Richard Phillips.

New York`s Cardinal John O`Connor was grateful, but not enough to engage in insider trading from above. Strolling onto the floor of the American Stock Exchange to thank traders for a $71,000 donation to shelter the homeless, Cardinal O`Connor said, ``I wish I could lift the market up for you. But that`s not my field.``

`GRADUATE` AUTHOR IS CAST FROM EDEN Speaking of homeless, a ``difference of opinion on nudism`` has left Charles Webb, author of ``The Graduate,`` and ex-wife Fred out in the cold again. Marcelle Hall had invited them to Danbury, Conn., after reading of their impoverished lifestyle. Now they`re out. ``It`s not fair to say she threw us out,`` said the peripatetic and determinedly unmaterialistic author. ``We didn`t realize nudism was such an upsetting thing, compared to other things that go on in the world.``

HE LOVES HIS JOB-AT A DISTANCE America`s new ambassador to the Mongolian People`s Republic needn`t worry about the cold. That`s because Richard Williams is an absentee diplomat. After establishing relations with Mongolia in 1987, the State Department decided the remote, frigid country is too harsh for residence. ``The winters go down to 40 to 50 below zero,`` said the daunted ambassador, who paused in Mongolia`s capital, Ulan Bator, long enough to present credentials and dine on mutton and sour milk. Before heading back to a comfy desk in Foggy Bottom, Williams volunteered, ``It`s a beautiful country.``

A `BIMBO` LAWYER AND JURISPRUDENCE Is it a case of a lawyer maligned by her boss? Or was Brenda Taylor a

``bimbo`` prosecutor whose fashion statements were flashier than her legal briefs? Taylor contends the length of her skirts got her fired from the Broward County State`s Attorneys office in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. A 25-year-old lawyer who dislikes conservative, blue-gray suits, Taylor had filed a complaint alleging discrimination in August after supervising prosecutor John Countryman chastized her for designer clothes in court and creating an

``impression that she was a bimbo interested only in meeting men.``

Observing that even mistaken impressions count as reality with a jury, Countryman also said Taylor mishandled cases, missed court appearances and couldn`t keep up with paperwork. ``Garbage,`` rebutted Taylor. ``It just shows to what lengths they will go to get someone.``

IN THIS CASE, BETTER WED THAN DEAD ``Til death do us part`` seems appropriate for Gwen Lynk and Steven Schultz. They were married in a mausoleum in Flint, Mich. ``It`s a sanctuary, a place of love and a place of memories,`` said the happy bride, also a sales counselor at Flint Memorial Park. The mausoleum`s skylight and stained glass windows brightened the ceremony, and floral arrangements undoubtedly helped. No telling, though, the effect balloons had on prospective customers who visited prior to the ceremony.

THANK FRANK CAPRA AND NURSE GOLIGHTLY If Clarence the angel can do it on ``It`s a Wonderful Life,`` why not do it in a hospital? That`s what nurse Mary Alice Golightly asked in St. Joseph Hospital in Memphis. After yet another day of ``Dr. 99`` and ``code blue`` on the public address system, Golightly wondered, ``Is this all there is? Gosh, I wish that I knew somebody was being born instead of dying here.`` Hospital administrators agreed. Now the music-box sound of Johannes Brahms` ``Lullaby`` is played whenever a baby is born-about 15 times weekly.

A `BEARLIFT` TO ORPHANS IN SOUTH AMERICA To satisfy a well-documented ``touch hunger`` of lonely children, the United Nations has announced a ``bearlift.`` Some 1,000 teddy bears are being flown to orphans in Brazil, Bolivia and Peru. The fuzzy toys were supplied by a San Francisco charity, Caring for Children. ``A teddy bear is the next best thing to a hug-a substitute for the lost mother,`` observed psychologist Samantha Grier, who heads the project.

BEAM HER UP, SCOTTY, IT`S WHOOPI Whoopi Goldberg an alien humanoid? You can bet your fazer on it. ``I`ve always been a Trekkie, so I thought it was time for me to boldly go where no man has gone before,`` said the 32-year-old Goldberg, who will appear as Guinan, in Paramount Television`s syndicated ``Star Trek: The Next

Generation,`` now entering its second season. (With that, it`s warp 5 and out.)