Saturday, December 11, 2010

“I will show you fear and a handful of dust.”

So this strays from my photo format, and also from the intent of this blog but I had to put it somewhere and the LJ didn't seem right. Partially because this is somewhat anonymous, partly because the people I know that read it are the people I'd share this with anyway.

So what is this about?It's about Bones. (yes, spoilers ahead)

I love Bones, always have since Patty and her mom introduced it to me. Not just because of David Boreanaz, though originally he was what piqued my interest (Hey, I've always thought he was hot beyond belief)

But it's a show that really has a heart. There's been some episodes that have just stuck with me, the message and the emotion in them. The Hero In The Hold comes to mind, as does the 100th and the one set in NM, which for the life of me I can't remember the name of right now...(edit: The Skull in the Desert)

Actually that one ties in to this, I think. In that, Angela is questioning if she ever really had anything with a man that she dated only for a few months every year for a month or so, and someone tells her that if they were all each other's for that time, that's more than some people get in a lifetime.

I think of that when I think of this episode, though this one was just...heartbreaking. For her to FINALLY realize that Booth was who she belonged with at exactly the wrong time, for him to save her the way he did and then absolutely break her heart, even though it was what he had to do at the time. Emily Deschanel was fantastic, she absolutely tore my heart into a thousand pieces.

When she fell apart that way...I would have completely lost all composure were I watching it alone, and as it is I nearly did. That sobbing? The way she cried? That kind of sorrow I don't know if anyone who hasn't been through it can even understand. It makes your jaw ache trying to contain it. I've cried like that a few times, one of which was the hardest day of my entire life, walking out a door I never, never wanted to walk out so amazingly in love and so intensely heartbroken that words...don't even come close to describing it. I've only ever felt that once. It's consuming. And that jaw aching cry? I remember all the times I've felt that. One that comes to mind was when I was on the plane home to New Mexico, the first time I'd visited IL afterwards. I was scared because NM didn't really feel like home yet, but IL definitely didn't. Going back that time, I passed all these things that were familiar and NOTHING felt the same. Everything was foreign and gray and bleak. And because I hadn't yet found home in NM, because I was so alone in Los Alamos, and because things were so hard out there at the time, finding my way, trying to manage on 200 dollars every two weeks.... I felt lost. But when I'd gotten to the airport that day I found I was aching to go back to NM. I was holding on to this moose my mom gave me that sings Blue Moon just aching to be home again. And it was on that plane, staring out the window to hide the fact that I was crying that I felt that jaw ache. All I wanted was to be back, to go see my cat, Bill and all my friends. I knew that when I landed that'd all be there for me and I was just...so homesick in that moment. I remember how badly my jaw ached trying to hold in all those tears.

And honestly, I haven't seen it portrayed that way so well....god, nearly ever.It more than got to me. I felt it again.I can't really say I wanted to, but I have to applaud that level of acting.

So this is about Bones...and life. And that intensity. And I don't know why I needed to say something after seeing it, but I did.All I can think is...we can't lose those feelings, and we can't ignore them. As awful and gut wrenching as loving a place or a person or some combination of both is, and as much as sometimes you don't get what your heart is longing for, or you don't get to keep it....I always want to remember that it is so, so worth it.