Five tips for staying out of the Friend Zone

March 13, 2012|By Chiara Atik, McClatchy/Tribune news

(Neil Beckerman, The Image Bank photo)

If your relationships constantly sway toward the platonic rather than the romantic, then, sorry to say it, but it's probably because of something you're doing. Luckily, it is possible to get out of the Friend Zone, and stay out for good: It takes a bit of bravery and just the right amount of physical contact. Some tips:

Ask him/her out right away: When you meet someone you might be interested in, time is of the essence in terms of establishing whether your relationship will be platonic or romantic. For shy people, the natural tendency is to slowly get to know the other person, even if your attraction is instant. But this is how people get stuck in the Friend Zone: They wait too long, then get to the point where any possible chemistry or attraction has (d)evolved into a comfortable, platonic friendship.

If you think you want to go on a date, ask them out right away. If you find there's no chemistry on the date, it's easy to develop a friendship from there. But turning friendship into romance is much harder.

Don't be too subtle: It might be painfully obvious to you that you have an enormous crush on someone in your friend group, but trust me, there's a good chance he or she has no idea. People who frequently get stuck in the Friend Zone are often extremely subtle flirters — unfortunately, eye contact and "a good connection" does not a flirtatious exchange make.

Odds are you're not coming on strongly enough (or at all). If you like someone, let them know you like them! It's worth risking potential rejection or embarrassment — you'll never get the romantic attention you want if you don't send out the signals.

Don't act goofy/self-deprecating: If you learn one thing here, let it be this: Everyone wants goofy friends. They just don't want to sleep with them.

I know, it's tough if your natural inclination upon meeting new people is to act goofy and funny so you'll endear yourself to everyone. This works — for friendships. Although humor is attractive, constantly making disparaging jokes about yourself or acting like the class clown does not make people think, "I have got to sleep with this person, the sooner the better."

Goofy is lovely, funny is charming. So save those qualities after you've landed a date. When you're first meeting someone, focus instead on friendliness and allure.

Don't be too available: A surefire way to land yourself permanently in the Friend Zone is to be completely available to the other person, with your emotions and time. Soon, you're the one he or she is texting when they're bored, or inviting out when they have no other plans. You'll feel like you're getting somewhere with this person and may think that if you just continue platonically dating, one of these days he or she will look at you across the table and suddenly realize that they're in love with you.

Except it very rarely works that way.

In truth, they're just biding their time with sweet, comfortable you, while thinking of that other person who is slightly unattainable. If you like someone, give them the option of dating you, or don't spend too much one-on-one time with them at all. They'll be forced to consider you in a romantic light, and if they turn you down, trust me: It's so much better than being helplessly strung along.

Establish physical familiarity: A good way to inch your way out of a Friend Zone is to slowly establish physical familiarity.

Think about someone you like; does the thought of touching them seem awkward or impossible? Then you need to work on becoming comfortable with casual physical contact. Start small: Put your hand on their back, rest your head on their shoulder. It's not so weird for friends to have that level of physical rapport, right?

If you put your head on his or her shoulder, and that person reciprocates by putting an arm around you, and pretty soon half an hour has passed and no one has moved, and things progress from there … well, you're well on your way to being out of the Friend Zone for good.