Archive for May, 2013

Quotes of the day:“A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
“This is the devilish thing about foreign affairs: they are foreign and will not always conform to our whim.”
– James Reston

Faux pas – An embarrassing or tactless act or remark in a social situation.

I don’t normally have two quotes in a single day, or even better, I don’t normally write two posts so small in their time intervals, but there is really a need for this upcoming post, and with due time, maybe the quotes will kick in and express in full what in the world is happening to me lately. As of right now, there is some degree of sorrow, anger, regret, and a bunch of other emotions. My thoughts and emotions are so “flexible” to the point that there are two possible ways to react to it, in which I will code red or blue. This post won’t be very positive by the time I’m done with it, so let’s begin.

Before I jump into some kind of senseless ranting, let’s have ourselves an overview. Back in my last post, I covered how it was a supposedly fine Thursday when in fact, I’m proven wrong to the entirety of my very self. I don’t even know where to start here. Should I begin with talks of the test or what become of the time after the test? Well it doesn’t matter because I’m screwed either way. A little detail I didn’t add to the test was how we were supposed to assess ourselves while doing that test. There would be a space next to each question where students would fill in what they think they would’ve scored. After the test, I find that I assessed a solid 95 for myself, but apparently it wasn’t what I thought that switched everything on. As per my usual acts, I’d ask others what they assessed for themselves and it seems they were reluctant to say anything about it. Is that supposed to be a sign? I’ll mention everything below.

Later that night, plans to go to Bangsar (eventually called off due to unforeseen circumstances) took place, and we have my previous post in place. I also expressed my thoughts on the situation, including mentioning how people didn’t spend too much time with their families and how I found hangouts to be particularly unproductive. But in all reality, that was the least of my problems. It’s the impression I’ve left on others that’s screwing me today. As if it wasn’t just the earlier problem alone, now I have two things haunting me, and those are the ones directly made known to me. Are there other problems in the dark that are behind kept behind my back? I don’t know, and I don’t think I want to know either. Now onto further explanations and how I could possibly react in the future.

Two of the aforementioned friends have explained their situations and worse yet their impressions after reading what I thought was supposed to be private to one person. So according to them, I’m quite the arrogant and condescending person, but that’s just one side of the story, there’s more to come. So make it simple, I could treat everything as if it’s my personal problem (blue) or stand my own ground and stand for what I believe is right (red). It’s quite clear the latter won’t offer me any support of any kind, but some things really have to be done your way or the highway.

BLUE
– I should not have pestered people for their assessments. People can be sensitive about the given topic and I should avoid that in the far future.
– I should not have gave such a detailed explanation as it seems some people get horribly disturbed by “crazy long winded roads”.
– Your friends are in your defense, they only want to bridge the gap that you have with them.
– I should not leave the impression of having to be with them being a burden and other similar situations.

All-in-all, these sorts of solutions force me to restrict myself, which may be a good or bad thing depending on how one views the entirety of the situation. Doing as such makes you abide by the social norms, grants you connections, and in general, leaves better impressions on other people. However, it’s the very same action you need to take that forces the red thoughts.

RED
– Is it at all my fault that the group is not at all open about results? I personally did very badly in my previous semester so I wanted to make up for it. I can be overly enthusiastic at times, but why should this come off as arrogant? There’s no reason for them to think in that sense whatsoever.
– So I find that hangouts are particularly pointless. I even gave reasons to support my statement regardless of how rational it was. My sentences were never meant to be condescending; it could however have been a nature of mine to speak very openly and giving extreme negative feedback at times but I speak the truth and I don’t lie about it.
– Changing my actions and forcing myself to meet demands is something I don’t want to follow. It changes who I am and undoubtedly, I am who I am. I’m not going to succumb to social norms and as per the title, what people deem to be my faux passes isn’t necessarily true at all. I really can’t care less if what I do objects the social norm. For so long as the situation goes neutral I will act as I see fit.
– I don’t have to actively try and bridge gaps by following such norms. There’s more than a hundred ways to make closer connections with people other than just meeting up. All-in-all the whole situation should be completely void as the only reason this came up is the result of dissatisfaction of a certain handful of people.
– It is not my fault that the issue is sensitive and I don’t know it. You’re going to have to tell me actively that it’s sensitive; don’t expect me to just know it out of thin air; I’m not born a genius.
– One slightly unrelated issue is how I only exposed my thoughts to a single person. Little did I know my little “speech” was being broadcasted to three other people. If this is going to keep up, what other things I don’t already know are being discussed? Are they going to keep talking behind my back? It’s things like these that make me want to stray away from social groups and yet people wonder why I stay off from them.
– Sometimes I intentionally walk off because I know I’m going to say or do something stupid. So pardon me if you want me to stay around and unintentionally not be cautious about the things I say or do.

So what’s the verdict here? It’s all ego versus friendship (i.e. red vs blue) here. It’s just a matter of whether or not I stay away or actively try to earn their impressions back. Honestly, I’m just overthinking the matter, but I felt this was necessary before I turned insane. Sheer reality tells you that it’s really the survival of the fittest. If you don’t want to die out there, you have to find a way to survive. I also have an inferiority complex; that is to say I have to be superior most of the time. I don’t care exactly how this pans out but it has been a personality since birth. Like it or not, I am who I am. I may be condescending at times whether I realize it or not, but I speak only the truth. I honestly didn’t think I was being offensive, but it’s unfortunate how others think otherwise. It’s up to the people to decide what they think of me, but hey, I have a life to carry on with. Such little things don’t play a high priority in my list of tasks.

What now? The future yields all sorts of mysteries. Sooner or later, I will find the right red or blue solution to counter all of this. But for now, it’s pretty much the best action to just shut up for a bit and see how things flow. If they are gonna keep up, I cannot do anything. If their intentions are solid, I may as well actively try and do something. I’m still offended by how one private message was broadcasted to three other people but that’s really the least of problems right now.

Quote of the day:“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
– Ernest Hemingway

So it’s one fine Thursday (it’s Friday morning at the time of this post) and I came back a little later than usual with an aching head as well as an aching body. I’d recently signed up for gym facilities over the past few weeks or so, all in attempt to well, shrink down a little. No effects as of late, but I’m guessing it takes time to settle in. After my 2-hour 2 pm session, we were supposed to have some kind of maths test which, fortunately, ended in pretty good terms despite a slight lack of preparation. Now what I’m about to write concerns what comes after that.

The test closed in around 8.15 pm that evening. My usual cluster of friends had planned to stick around and have dinner on the spot; I had my fair share of food and by “tradition”, I was the first to leave. Another reason for that, I had an 8 am class earlier that day, so I was pretty beat up. If it weren’t for this post, I would already be asleep by now. Amidst my journey home, it seems they’ve planned on a hangout session tomorrow (or today in real time) afternoon. Two issues persist; one was the fact that I had classes that very afternoon and two was the fact that I’m not one to hangout often, for whatever reason. Now I’m going to tap into this a little bit further.

This isn’t the first time I rejected such invitations, but this is what I think about it. So it’s your group of people who personally asked you out to just have fun. You on the other hand, are more homey than the rest of them and would prefer to spend your time accordingly (or even at home) instead of just sitting around somewhere, unplanned, and also, at a place you’ve rarely or never even been to. But don’t forget, they’ve only called you in because they acknowledge you. Why else would they call you in and even persuade you if you’re not one of them? This here is another thing to consider. I used to cover a very similar topic in one of my previous posts. I’ve stated, quote directly, “I’m not one to spend time outside much as well unless it’s beneficial. I really just don’t see the point of going to some place just to talk or as people normally say hang out.” People from everywhere always counter with this; “You’re young, you should socialize, spend time with your friends, explore the world, just get out of the house for a bit.” The whole thing really leaves you thinking for a bit; but this is sort of the mindset I have right now (refer below).

I’m 20 this year. I am the oldest out of three sons. I’m studying in university while my parents are busy. My dad needs someone to inherit his business in due time; time and over again he also emphasizes the importance of family links, for it is only family that you trust the most and nobody else. My mom doesn’t work, but she does get lonely (I presume) at home. With the university hours that I have now, my times are starting to coincide less with my family; meaning that I’m not around as often to even see my family members. Even if I do, they would be busy with their own things and connections would eventually be lost, or as I fear. I’m 20 and I’ve yet to have any sort of working or living experience. I may not be the only one living like this, but I’m positively sure I don’t want to live this way. As the oldest son, I should be leading some kind of example and in general, “not be useless”.

It is quite clear from previous experiences that I’m not a very sociable person, and this is self-admitted. I personally find it difficult to obtain common topics with people, and even if odds are in my favor, the topic won’t last very long; that’s the general idea of how my previous “hangouts” were like. In the end, one could blame my need for productivity as well. I truly don’t see the point of just sitting around to have a chat. This may be a very stark comparison, but people are out there earning a living and doing important things, yet meanwhile people insist that I sit around and just have fun. There are two problems with this, first thing, I don’t find it very fun to hang out. Sure it may be spending some quality time with friends and all, but without a time frame, things could just drift away and before you know it, you threw a day away. Secondly, again the emphasis on conversational problems. It could be rectified with time, that’s always a solution, but other than that, it’s discomforting. As a friend said, I should probably give it a try; 10% of everything here are assumptions as it is.

These recent days, my only objective is to make full use of any free time I have. This free time is usually derived from empty hours in between uni’s starting and finishing hours. Anything before and after that is usually slated for home. That being said, the only useful time I have left would be the 4-hour and 6-hour breaks I have on Monday and Tuesday. Anything after classes on Tuesday is a dead no simply because it’s reserved for my weekly family dinners. Weekends are also dead slated for pure rest and relaxation. I’d almost automatically decline any invitation should it fall on weekends; I also have my weekly drama airings to catch.

In the end, I’m still not sure of the point I’m trying to make. I want to make use of time, yet I deem most of my time at home useful, regardless of what I do. I can’t stay out unless there’s a plan at hand or possibly there’s some food involved. I still don’t like the idea of hanging out for the sake of talking. I guess even after all this time, my thoughts still aren’t properly sorted out yet. But maybe, one way or another, this post has provided some kind of insight on how I think. For all I know, it may be a very important reference in the far future. Well I guess that’s that; I’ve nothing else to comment on here.