Meeting up with ex after a year of NC, but want her back

A year ago, my girlfriend of about 5 years and I decided to break up because I wanted to move closer school, get a job and improve my life. We lived together in LA before that for about 1 year and a half and I didn't feel I was gaining any kind of success where as she is very successful and accomplished. I took my frustrations out on her at times and we'd get into senseless arguments, so I decided it was best for me to move closer to where I could be successful. But this was 3 hours away from LA.

Now that I have gotten closer to where I felt I needed to be, I want her back in my life. But I fear that it may be almost impossible due the hostile nature of our breakup.

It has been close to a year since we've spoken. She wished me a happy birthday via text and I responded with a simple thanks. A month later, I texted her saying that I still have some of her things and asked if she'd like me to send them to her new address. She said that she still has some of my things as well and that we can meet in the middle to do an exchange.

I want to use this as an opportunity to move her back into my life. I don't know if she's dating anyone or how much she's moved on. But the fact that she's willing to meet me in person tells me one or two things: one, she misses me too and wants to see how I'm doing or two, she is well over me enough to be able to have face to face contact without her emotions getting in the way of continuing her new life.

I'm hoping that she misses me too and that I can game her into going out on a date with me so that I can then show her that I've become a much better person than who I was before. My plan is to ask her if she'd like to go out for dinner after we do our exchange and catch up.

My question to the community: at what point can I get into my honest feelings about how much I've missed her and would like to be with her? It seems like that would have to be established at some point because we live so far apart. Any other advice or comments would be greatly appreciated as well..thanks a lot!!

Re: Meeting up with ex after a year of NC, but want her back

Hi Teck2021,

You seem to have done all the right things so far. Given her space, and time to reflect. Then a nice casual text where she seems more than happy to meet with you. These are all the steps in the right direction.

When you do catch up to swap your personal items over, I wouldn't mention anything then about your feelings I would suggest to ask her if she would like to go out for dinner or a coffee. If she says yes to this is she is most likely open to the idea at least. If she says no straight away, then she could be seeing someone or not looking to get back with you.

By offering dinner or coffee, you are giving her the option of a casual catch up or a longer catch up over dinner, this way she won't feel too pressured. Just invite her casually like " it was great seeing you, would love to hear about everything you have been doing would you like to catch up for a coffee or dinner?" This will also make her feel like you are interested in her and what she has been doing.

At coffee or dinner see how everything is going, how the conversation progresses and then mention how you have been feeling and reflecting on the past, how you have grown and changed and you miss your time together. Don't push her and see how she reacts.

Re: Meeting up with ex after a year of NC, but want her back

Thanks lovedoc. I went to visit my ex and have dinner. Things went well until I blew it at the end. During our dinner and walks, we caught up and talked about the past year we've been apart from each other. I tried to avoid the "big talk" about the past and how I've changed since then because I felt it would bring up negative feelings. Instead, I put it in anecdotal form and she said she could see a positive change in me. Perfect.

So we go back to her house and I tried to kiss her. She refused and said that she still loves me but it would be insanity to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. She dropped the Einstein on me. Lol. At that point I told her it wouldn't be the same as before as things have changed in both our lives and that we should go with our feelings and move forward instead of backward. She wasn't having it, but wanted me to embrace her in a hug. I did and then grabbed my things to leave. We embraced each other once again in a passionate hug where I then tried to kiss her again. She didn't have it. I asked her if she really wanted me to leave. She said yes and I left. But before I did, I looked at her and apologized for my behavior in our past relationship. She did the same. We hugged again and I left hesitantly feeling like an idiot.

I should've established more physical contact and escalated her to that point. I should've been more charming than explanatory. I should've left her house with grace. Instead, I came across as pushy and expecting of her.

The outcome: she still wants to be friends and wants to spend time with me. We will be getting together for band practice (we play music together) still and things will persist in that manner until I either can't take it anymore or we get back together.

I'm not sure if her wanting me around still means that she wants me back to some degree or it means that she is so over it and ready to move on with us just being friends. Not sure where to take it from here.. I didn't anticipate being friend zoned by my ex.

Re: Meeting up with ex after a year of NC, but want her back

Hi,

I think I replied to your answer on a new thread.

Glad to hear it started off well. Going in for a kiss is ok, but if she was resistant it should have been left at that. It could have turned her off, but for her to say she still loves you and want to be involved for band practise are really positive signs she hasn't closed that door.

friend zone isn't that bad, she could just need a little more reassurance how things have changed and won't go back to the same ways. Give her some time, be involved in her life as much as she is willing to give, whether it be little catch ups or band practise. I wouldn't make any moves for a while or mention anything about getting back together, you need to give her some space and time, and I am sure she will come around. I know that may be hard, but if you are serious about getting her back don't pressure her or you could totally have her shut down.

Be her friend, listen to her, make her realise what a great guy you are now......wait for her to make the first move or give you a sign she is interested in more before you do.