Deserter Guide to Calm

Despite the word first being used in medical research as late as the 1930s, it is not a modern phenomenon. At its root is the adrenaline-charged ‘fight or flight’ response that all animals have to various triggers.

These triggers can be both physical and psychological and in a vicious circle, the symptoms brought on by our reactions to them – fear, insomnia, sociopathy – can induce further stress if left unchecked.

Chronic stress can be debilitating, potentially leading to mental illness and depression, and – while we don’t wish to add to your worries – research shows that you are likely to experience greater levels of stress as you get older (which, in case you hadn’t noticed, you are).

In this article, a departure from our usual knockabout style, we offer some simple and effective techniques to restore homeostasis – the natural balance of the internal bodily environment.

So whether you’re stressed about work, friends, family, neighbours, ill-health or money, take a deep breath and join us for this, the Deserter Guide to Calm.

Here we go…

1. Have you considered a pint?

2. Do a bit more of what you like and a bit less of what you don’t.

3. If you insist on wearing shoes at least wear comfortable ones.

4. Can you do anything about the cause of any concerns? If not, don’t worry about it. If so, do it tomorrow. After a lovely pint.

5. Or maybe a glass of wine?

6. Remember, everything is better after a night’s sleep.

7. Break your travel routine: Take a different route, walk a stop, leave at a different time, stay in bed.

8. Talk. Talk to your friends. If you don’t have any friends, talk to strangers. If you don’t have any strangers, talk to yourself. If you talk to yourself, ask you if you fancy a pint.

9. Play music. Music improves the performance of both the autonomic nervous system and the limbic system and is an invaluable aid to relaxation. Try grindcore or Mongolian throat singing.

10. Be kind, particularly to yourself. And once you’ve done that, be kind to others. Recent studies show that acts of kindness make you feel good and reduce stress. Yes, why not buy someone else a pint?

11. We are all going to die. We don’t know when. Do you want to die thirsty?

Well, do you?

12. Play a game. Gaming is a reminder that we’re all essentially on Earth to mess about.

13. Never arrange to do anything before 10.40am

14. Travel. It broadens emotional horizons, helps you tune in to the human condition and gets you nearer to licensed premises.