Follow Us

Dirty Dietz Detests: Driver’s Tan

Welcome to the return of “Dirty Dietz Detests,” where I rant a bit about the things that I hate in the world. I think I will typically be putting these out on Mondays, when I’m not in a particularly great mood. This week I talk about how I detest “Driver’s Tan.”

For those of you that do not know what driver’s tan is, it is when one arm becomes drastically more tan than the other, often as a result of driving with your arm out the window.

I spend the majority of my work day driving around in a car and every summer my left arm becomes beautifully tanned, while my right remains a much less attractive lighter tone. This transformation as begun, as you can see in the picture above. Also, notice that I’m not flexing in those pictures; I did not want to unleash a flood so strong that even Noah and his ark wouldn’t survive.

Obviously, walking around with two different color arms is an odd look and it can take psychological toll on me. I walk down the street, and strangers call me names like goony looking bastard and fat bitch. I’m not sure what it is about my driver’s tan that makes people think that I’m fat, but apparently it does.

So what am I supposed to do to fix this? I’ve tried reaching across the car, as I’m driving, to hang my right arm out the passenger window; however, that’s not exactly the safest thing in the world. Amputating my arm has crossed my mind, and while I think that this is a totally reasonable time to do so, I kind of enjoy having two arms. I think my other option is to just go full RGIII and completely cover my left arm.

This tan is just the tip of how weird I look during the summer months. If I popped my shirt off right now, I’d look like neapolitan icecream, between my pale white body, my red/pink face, and this damn driver’s tan.