Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Famed mentalist Uri Geller may have fallen on hard times, if what sources tell me is true.

According to unconfirmed reports, Geller, famous for his spoon-bending exploits during the 70s and 80s, is going to be hired by a Moscow steak house to chill diners' forks with the power of his mind.

As a Kremlin-watcher told me, "The chilled fork craze has hit Moscow with a vengeance. Looking to get a leg up on the competition, the exclusive steak house will hire Uri Geller to freeze forks table-side while chatting with a customer base composed of mobsters, oligarchs and corrupt politicians.

"If successful, the program will grow to include the freezing of cutlery."

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

A marathon, 24-hour séance has collected
$1,763 to repair cracked crystal balls for indigent soothsayers, according to
Heatherleen Glade, teaching assistant, Past Life Therapy at Edgar Allan Poe Community College.

Heatherleen said the event took place in a
Las Vegas hotel room about 75 miles from the EAPCC campus.

“It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience,”
Heatherleen told this reporter. “Fifteen
of us held hands in a circle for 24 hours, surrounded by candles and the lively
sounds of a Lindsay Stirling CD playing over and over again. The ever repeating
music, while tedious in the extreme, did draw the attention of the leaping
violinist’s many deceased fans.”

Continued Heatherleen, “The money arrived
in various ways. Typically a spirit would reveal where they had concealed cash
when they were alive. Hundreds of dollars were found stashed inside VHS
players, taped beneath cookie jars and at the bottom of urns filled with the
ashes of loved ones.”

Heatherleen said the lengthy séance tested
the mettle of everyone involved. “We knew that if we broke the circle, many of
the spirits would lose interest and go away. So we held hands continuously for
all 24 hours, even during comfort breaks, when all fifteen of us would shuffle
into the bathroom, turning our heads as each went to the toilet.

“And holding hands throughout the séance
created awkward moments at mealtime. Since we couldn’t grasp the food, it was
shoved into our mouths by assistants who had cut it into bite-sized pieces.
Drinking-wise, beverage containers were held beneath our chins and we sucked up
the refreshing liquids through straws. All-in-all, the food was pretty good.”

And how would Heatherleen feel about
participating in another such lengthy séance?

“At about the 12-hour mark my mind was
screaming ‘never again!’ But know that I’ve had time to recover, I’m game to
perform more charity work. Good deeds aren’t always easy!”