Monday, October 4, 2010

Losers Weepers

While watching my beloved Dolphins get so embarrased on Monday Night Football that even William Hung was like, "Wow, you guys aren't living that one down", I realized something.

I know what would happen if one of my favorite sports teams won a championship.

I would weep like a little baby.

To see the Miami Dolphins holding up that super bowl trophy and seeing the field covered in their god awful colors of aqua and orange would be too much for me.

If the Cleveland Indians somehow pulled off a miracle and won the World Series I would first assume that the world was ending, and then resign myself to the fact my last moments would be spent in the fetal position clutching my Grady Sizemore bobble head doll.

I've played these thoughts out 1,000 times. I think constantly about what I would do, where I would be. Other kids pretend they are the guy hitting the last second jump shot to win the game - I imagine I am in the stands and pull off the perfect first pump / throaty scream / non-beer spill. It would be epic.

But what if my team lost? What if they got that close and then choked (a fairly real area of concern here in Cleveland).

I have no plan for that. I have no idea what my reaction would entail. If winning leads to crying - what strange beast awaits the loser?

Part of me thinks I'd just crap my pants. Literally just fill 'em with mud. Like I'd be sitting on the edge of my seat in anticipation and as I see that game winning field goal go through I would just turd it out.

Or maybe I would just snap and go into a fit of anger - Red Ross style. I'd punch walls and scream and yell and the neighbors would probably call the police because I would sound like a small boy being attacked by a parakeet.

But in the end, I would probably cry then, too.

I mean, that's what happened as I watched another horrible loss, poor Leo DiCaprio in the movie Titanic.