Approximately 74 years ago the lovely Jess from Aesthetic Fauna tagged me in a Sunshine Award blog post, along with some other delectable writers. In her words, “A Sunshine Award is FBBB (for bloggers, by bloggers), and a way to recognize people who have charmed, supported, enlightened, and inspired the awarder in recent months.”

The task upon being tagged was to answer a series of questions and then turn around and boop some other writers who make me swell with that good envy to invite them to play.

Eight questions, eight answers. Here I go.

1. Whether you have offspring or not, what is your hope for the next generation of world citizens?

I hope that there is a gentle technology push-back and it becomes totally cool to f-ck around outside again, loitering and watching boys bruise themselves on skateboards while drinking slurpees that dye your tongue and poop. I hope they stay self-conscious, kind and naïve. There are lots of years to change, to work on themselves. If they could have the chance to just be kids, like I got to be a kid, that would be magical.

2. Without googling it, describe what a pangolin is. If you don't know, make something up.

That is the type of woman who uses a basket for a purse, trims her own ass-length hair and hates martial arts movies.

3. Who has been the kindest to you in your life?

My Mom. Forever and always. Even after I called her a “crazy bitch” in front of many people at IGA and thought it was funny and she absolutely 100% DID NOT.

4. How do you pull yourself out of an emotional slump?

The answer used to be food. Something really over the top bad for me. Like a spoonful of brown sugar and butter. Now it’s exercise. A run or YRide class at YYoga. I know - WHO AM I ANYMORE?

5. What's something you wish you would've said but didn't?

“Hi Grandma, I’ve been hiding upstairs watching seasons of The Office because I was too scared to come down and talk to you because I knew I would break down. We both know you’re dying and I don’t have the capacity to feel that and look at that and accept that. That’s too much for me.

But I’m here because I want you to tell me your stories.

How you made it in that big house by yourself after Grandpa died, alone out there in the Aldergrove acres, watching horror movies in the dark. How did it feel to have a stillborn child? How did you raise all the babies by yourself while Grandpa was away? Do you know we sneak down and take your name brand pop out of the fridge when you’re asleep? Are you mad your couple’s friends abandoned you after Grandpa died? What do fake knees feel like? What does it feel like when you wake up every day knowing that the cancer inside is going to win? I’m sorry I don’t have a baby yet. Thank you for making my wedding so so so special. You looked beautiful. Did you know we have the same nose? What do you think happens after you die? Are you scared?"

I never asked if she was scared.

The only thing that gets me by when I lurk in this deep, dark, regretful and shameful corner of my brain is this: I was there when we went to the hospital for the last time, when her breathing was getting very very laboured and her hands were cold lace. I told her I loved her and the very last words she made out were “I love you too.”

6. What was the best moment in your last 24 hours?

Watching True Detective. I am sunk when it ends next weekend. It’s so good it has ruined me.

7. What's your worst memory from high school?

It’s knowing that I cut myself off from SO MUCH GOOD SH-T by being fickle and weird and shy. There’s no guarantee it could have been Dazed and Confused but I never gave it a chance. I didn’t even go to grad. Ugh.

8. How has your work affected the way you see the world?

As a writer, it makes the world a giant weapon and me a giant swath of skin, ready to be pierced. I feel it all, much too much. It’s what makes the words come quick but it makes them sticky and heavy sometimes. It’s made the world seem huge but also snug, filled with people who have ideas that I wish were mine. I see possibility though. That is a wonderful side affect.

~

Ok f-ckers, your turn. I nominate the following bloggers, writers that you should be reading too.