Eliot: [looks over the side of the building] That's twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!

Nate: Okay, you got any chatter on their frequencies?

Parker: No. Why?

Nate: There's eight listed on the duty roster, but there's only four at the guard post.

Parker: I can't even tell how many guys are in the room. How can you tell who's who?

Nate: Count the haircuts, Parker. Count the haircuts.

Parker: I would have missed that.

Hardison: Ten-digit password. I salute you, sir.

Parker: Problem. Those guards you ganked? They reset all the alarms on the roof and all the floors above us. We can't go up.

Eliot: Every man for himself, dude.

Hardison: Go ahead! I'm the one with the merchandise.

Parker: Yeah, well, I'm the one with an exit!

Nate: And I'm the one with a plan. Now I know you children don't play well with others, but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes. Now, get to the elevator and head down. We're going to the burn scam.

Hardison: Going to plan B?

Nate: Technically, that would be plan G.

Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a plan M?

Nate: Yeah. Hardison dies in plan M.

Eliot: I like plan M.

Hardison: The designs are sent.

Nate: Alright, alright. The money will be in all your accounts later today.

Hardison: Anybody else noticed how hard we rocked last night?

Eliot: Yeah, well, one-show only. No encores.

Parker: I already forgot your names.

Hardison: It was kind of cool being on the same side.

Nate: No, we are not on the same side. I am not a thief.

Parker: You are now. Come on Nathan, tell the truth. Didn't you have a little bit of fun playing the black king instead of the white knight? Just this once?

[Parker pointing a gun at the others when she discovers she wasn't paid]

Nate: And the only reason you guys are here is because you didn't get paid... [starts laughing] and you're pissed off. [Laughs more.] I mean, matter of fact, the only way to get us all in the same place at the same time is to tell us that we're... [realizing that it's a trap] not getting paid.

[Everyone runs to the exit]

Eliot: ...So unless we get out of here in the next ten minutes, we all go to jail.

Nate: Yeah, yeah, alright, I uh...

Eliot: I can take these cops

Parker: Don't you dare. You kill anyone, you screw up my getaway.

Hardison: Yo, hold up. I'm still handcuffed here. I can't even go to the bathroom. I gotta go.

Nate: Parker, get me a phone. What we're going to do is get out of here together.

Eliot: This was a one time deal.

Nate: Look guys, here's your problem. You all know what you can do, I know what all of you can do. That gives me the edge, that gives me the plan.

Parker: I don't trust these guys.

Nate: Do you trust me?

Eliot: Of course. You're an honest man.

Eliot: I'm going to beat Dubenich so bad even the people that look like him are going to bleed.

Parker: You won't get within a hundred yards. He knows your face. He knows all our faces.

Eliot: He tried to kill us.

Parker: More importantly, he didn't pay us.

Eliot: How is that more important?!

Parker: I take that personally.

Eliot: There's somethin' wrong with you.

Hardison: Why would Dubenich lie to us?

Nate: 'Cause you're thieves. If he hired you for a straight-up crime, you'd know he's a bad guy like you. You'd be suspicious. This way, you saw just another citizen in over his head and that is why you didn't see the double-cross coming.

Parker: Why didn't you see it coming?

Nate: Because I'm not a thief.

Eliot: You want to run a game on this guy? You?

Nate: Well, yeah. How do you think I got most of my stolen merchandise back? I mean, this guy, he's greedy, thinks he's smart; he's the best kind of mark.

Parker: He does think he got rid of us.

Hardison: Element of surprise.

Eliot: What's in it for me?

Nate: Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.

Parker: And what's in it for me?

Nate: A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback. Hardison?

Hardison: I-I was just going to send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but hell yeah, let's kick him up!

Eliot: [to Nate] What's in it for you?

Nate: ...He used my son.

[long pause]

Nate: All right, let's go get Sophie.

Eliot: What the hell's a Sophie?

-Sophie Devereaux-

-Grifter-

Sophie Devereaux: I'm a citizen now. Honest.

Nate: I'm not.

Sophie: You're playing my side? [Looks over and sees the others] I always thought you had it in you.

Nate: Are you in?

Sophie:[Nodding] I wouldn't miss this.

Nate: Alright, let's go break the law just one more time.

Hardison: Shouldn't I be playing the computer guy?

Nate: No, I want you to actually be the computer guy.

[In the office]

Dubenich's Security: You're strong for a computer guy.

Eliot: Thank you. I like to work out. I like to work out 'cause I-I like to dress up as Klingon and go to all the conventions. Q'apla!

Dubenich's Security: [startled] Oh!

Eliot: Sorry.

Dubenich's Security: That's okay. Q'apla!

Eliot: Don't you tease me.

Dubenich's Security: Oh!

Hardison: Oh, hold up, man, that is not-that is not cool! That is not cool! We're gonna have a strong talk when you get back!

Nate: When you work with planes, you pick up a few things.

Hardison: You pick up a lotta things.

Parker: Ha!

[the team gets their first look at Sophie's acting "skills

Hardison: She's awful.

Parker: Is she injured? In the head?

Eliot: Seriously man, she is the worst actress I've ever seen.

Nate: This is not her stage.

. . .

[Later, they watch her effortlessly con a mark]

Hardison: [surprised] She's not awful.

Nate: This is her stage. Sophie Devereaux is the finest actress you've ever seen…when she's breaking the law.

Sophie: [As Nate is putting the earbud in her ear] So, this time you really will be in my head.

Hardison: [rolls by on his swivel chair, points at Nate] Ooooooh. Oooooooh.

Dubenich: Higgins, Higgins, you can't do that. You can't take my computer!

Special Agent Higgins:[chuckles] This company has government defense contracts. There are very serious rules with contact with foreign nationals. The Patron Act applies here, my friend! Sir, I can take your underpants.

Pierson: Don't you want money?

Nate: This particular project has a different revenue stream.

[after the con]

Parker: What is it with women and shoes?

Sophie: There's something wrong with you.

Eliot: That's what I said!

Hardison: I'm just very good at what I do.

Parker: This is the score! This is The score!

Hardison: Age of the geek, baby.

Eliot: Somebody kiss this man so I don't have to.

[After the walk-away]

Hardison:[Coming up behind Nate] Yo, I never had that cool a time on a job.

Nate: It's a walk-away-

Hardison: And I have focus issues, brother. You kept me right on.

[Parker then walks up with them]

Parker: I'm really good at one thing.

Nate: Parker...

Parker: Only one thing and that's it, but you. You know other things, and, and, I can't stop doing my one thing. I can't retire.

[Eliot then walks up with them]

Eliot: You want to know what I think?

Nate: Not really.

Eliot: How long before you fall apart again.

Nate: Oh, I'm touched

Eliot: Yeah, well, a guy like you can't be out of the game, alright? [Phone rings] That's why you were a wreck. You need the chase.

Nate: Yeah, I'll manage. [Answers the phone] Yeah?

[Everyone stops and Nate sighs as he sees Sophie sitting right in front of them on her phone. She rises and walks up to Nate and the rest]

[last lines; the team is interviewing two grieving parents who want revenge on the company that killed their daughter]

Nate: People like that…corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide…Leverage.

Charles Dufort: You know the great thing about Congressmen? Fifty, a hundred grand well spent will get one elected. But then once they're in, the incumbency rate is over ninety-five percent! So you can get on average eighteen, twenty years use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make.

Hardison: [listening in on comms] Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.

Sophie: When men are telling the truth, they're not looking me in the eye. A man only ever looks a woman in the eye when he's making the effort to lie to her.

Eliot: Well, you can't argue with that.

Hardison: Noted and filed.

Parker: You ID'd the weapon from the gunshot sound?

Eliot: It has a very distinctive sound.

[Later]:

Eliot: The tall one? The way he used a knife? Ex Marine. Probably Force Recon.

Sophie: Did you say 'plumber'? That's their cover? Aw, aw, that is so cute. It like its 1978 all over again.

[Eliot has been sent in to the local FBI offices steal data, only to find it's all on cassette tapes.]

Eliot: Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?

Hardison: [Over comms] Punch somebody!

Eliot: [Threateningly] Oh, I'm gonna punch somebody.

[As they listen to a recording of Monscone and his wife arguing]

Sophie: It's a bit like an opera, isn't it?

Eliot: You mean 'cause I want to run away?

Nate: Sophie, where are we at?

Sophie: Huh? I don’t know, Nate. I think you need to ask yourself that question. You called me, remember? And now we’re working together every day. I don’t know what you want. And to ask me that dressed like a Vicar. You’re a very strange man.

Nate: No, no, no. I meant where are we at with finding the money?

Eliot: There was this girl I grew up with. But anyway, she married somebody else so..

Eliot: [grinning] What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?

Nate: No, well, yeah.

Eliot: Look. Hold a knife like this, [holds a chef's knife normally] cuts through an onion. [switches to a backhand grip] Hold a knife like this…cuts through, like, eight yakuza in four seconds. Screams, carnage. People are like knives. Everything's in context.

Hardison: I know that you're in charge of the bridesmaid dresses, but why are you wearing one?

Parker: A bridesmaid dress is like an all-access pass at a wedding. Plus, I kind of said something and the maid of honor cried, and Sophie said I should make it up to her.

Hardison: Looking much, much better in the same dress... Yeah, you let me know how that goes.

Parker: You really think I look good?

Hardison:[After setting the corsage] And now you're perfect.

Eliot: What is it? I've got bacon on.

Parker: The butcher is here.

Eliot: Does he have the baby lamb chops?

Hardison: No, the Butcher of Keiv.

Nate: Think he'll recognize you?

[Flashback]

Butcher of Kiev: I kill you!

[End Flashback]

Eliot: Yeah, I think he'd remember me.

Sophie: I'm staying.

Nate: I'm sorry, you're...you're what?

Sophie: I'm staying.

Nate: You're staying? Sophie, Sophie, it's the Butcher of Kiev.

Hardison: Have you ever been to Kiev? The cake-maker of Kiev would whoop all our assess. This is the Butcher.

Parker: The downstairs is clear. That leaves one place where the money could be stashed. Screening room. [pauses] Go.

Eliot: Yeah. I'll show you. [takes some salt and throws it into the pan] Bam!

[Nate walks in on the aftermath of a fight]

Nate: Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer?

Eliot: I dunno. Maybe.

Nate: Because, you know, Maria, despite all the, all the fear and doubt that life brings, Adam, when he looks at you, Maria, you know, he knows that you have made him a better man, a better version of himself. And now that he's known you, he could never go back. And Maria, you know when you look at Adam, yes, you know you, you've made him a better man and he's should probably just give up and agree with you.

Eliot:[lowered voice] All he said was the plane leaves in an hour. and the airport's all the way across town. Even if traffic's good, we're still not-

Nate:[whispering] These people killed a kid. Alright, they killed a bunch of kids. There's no way in hell we're going to let them get away with it. We are going to get on that plane.

Eliot: Alright.

[They open the door to find Parker standing right outside]

Parker: So what are we waiting for? [walks away]

Nate: But...?

Eliot: How does she do that?

Nate: I don't even ask anymore.

[Parker is posing as a flight attendant after stealing a bag from the original woman assigned to the flight.]

Sophie: [To Nate and Eliot] How did you both know there'd be an extra uniform in the bag?

Nate: Everyone knows flight attendants are required to carry extra uniforms in case they get called to work unexpectedly.

Eliot: Or if something happens to the one they're already wearing.

Sophie: How does everyone know that?

[In unison]

Nate: Worked airport security.

Eliot: Slept with a flight attendant.

[In Nate's Office]

Hardison: Let's see what we can learn about Nathan Ford today. Online poker? Online chess? Sudoku? Crossword... Damn, somebody needs to get laid.

Nate: Hardison?

Hardison: Uh, what's up? Yeah?

Nate: Are you in my chair?

Hardison: No, no. I-I'm not, I'm not in your…I'm at a desk. My desk in my office, waitin', waitin' on your call so you can tell me what I can do to help you and uh, uh, the team.

Nate: You can stop now.

Hardison: Appreciate it.

[After the discussion]

Nate: And Hardison.

Hardison: Yeah?

Nate: Don't forget to turn off my computer.

Hardison: [dumbstruck] Well how in the hell…

Parker: [as a flight attendant, speaking before takeoff] In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. But let’s face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely, the impact will kill you.

[People give each other uncertain looks while Eliot rubs his face]

Parker: Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exits. Because if this plane's on fire, you're gonna wanna get out quick. Jet fuel burns at over a thousand degrees! That's hot, folks.

[People murmur, looking even more concerned and confused]

Sophie: Okay, so, um... If we're going to play happy family, we should, you know, really get our backgrounds straight.

Nate: Let keep it simple, use our own background story. Our wedding day is the day we met. Which mean we've been married for...

Sophie:[Simultaneously] Ten years.

Nate:[Simultaneously] Eight years.

Sophie: You don't remember when we met.

Nate: No, of course I do. I was just...rounding it off.

Sophie: By subtracting two years.

[Upset, Sohie grabs a magazine and flips through it]

Nate: Is this gonna be a thing?

Girl: Could I have a ginger ale please?

Parker: You've already had two.

Girl: Yeah, I know. It's like a placebo effect. It's not really working, but it makes you feel better anyway.

Parker: Yeah? So, when's that supposed to kick in?

Hardison: Yeah, they transferred me from the second floor.

Cheryl: Well, I don’t know what it was like in consumer integrations, but let me tell you I have been working my butt off on this account. But Steve, no, he's just sitting back, waiting for me to fail. So he can swoop in and save the day. I swear, it's like he's a rogue and I’m a mage and we're part of the same guild, but secretly, he's at work with the Alliance to undermine us.

Hardison: For the Horde.

Cheryl: For the Horde. [fist-bump] You play 'World of Warcraft?'

Hardison: You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night. Now, look, I mean "Burning Crusade" was great, but this new one is mind-blowing.

Nate: Hardison…you bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

Parker: Look, flying isn't really all that scary when you think about it. I mean, there are a lot more likely ways to die than on a plane: car crash, house fire, electrocution, drowning, auto-erotic asphyxiation. I mean, fact is, death haunts us every day, no matter where we are.

Cheryl: It was just an opinion. You don't need to jump down my throat.

Steve: You can't knock down an idea without offering alternatives.

Hardison: Well, I, I don't know, Steve. I've got to go with Cheryl on this one. I mean, genetically engineered tomatoes, that's, that's one thing. But carrot on the cob? That's gonna scare some people, brother.

Eliot: When I knock people out, they tend to stay knocked out.

Nate: Well, it took ten years, but we had our first crash-landing.

Sophie: Ten years... Thanks for getting it right this time.

Nate: You're right. Ten years ago I saw you for the first time. You were swiping a Daga from a collection in Prague. I saw you, you saw me.

Sophie: I ran. You chased.

Nate: Then, two years later, I, uh, caught up with you in Damascus, caught you I should say. You, uh, turned around, introduced yourself, and that's when I met Sophie Devereaux. It'll be eight years next month.

Amy Martin:[To Eliot] Anything else you need so you can wrap this up and go back to being a somewhat disappointing memory?

Eliot: I thought you said you were fine with this.

Amy: I thought you said you were coming back in three weeks.

Nate: Oh, boy. This is perfect.

Nate: We need a horse that can run like a champion.

Hardison: What about that horse from the other day? Uh, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Eliot: Kentucky Thunder.

Hardison: That's what I said.

Nate: Oh, we steal an actual championship racehorse in order to fake another championship racehorse.

Hardison: Yeah.

Nate: Ooh, I like it.

Sterling: You know, I couldn't believe it at first.

Nate: Sterling, welcome.

Sterling: Then again, you did drink yourself right out of a job. Lost your house, your wife, plenty of money troubles.

Nate: Keep talking. You'll get to the point eventually.

James Sterling: Nathan Ford is a common criminal.

Nate: Oh, common. That’s just hurtful.

Nate: No, I think you probably did what you always do. You gave your client just enough rope, just enough to hang himself. Am I right?

Sterling: This time, Nate, I think there's just enough rope for two.

Nate:[To Eliot] I am not going to jeopardize the rest of the team because you have something to prove to your high-school sweetheart. It's just not going to happen.

Sophie: Oh, and your not trying to prove something to Sterling? You're not trying to prove something to the world every time we help somebody out? We're all trying to prove something just being here with you.

Nate: ...What do you have something to prove to?

Sophie: Myself, you arrogant son-of-a-bitch.

Parker: [Crawling through an air duct] Looks like Parker's gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to frickin' crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It's not rocket science, people.

Eliot: [on comms, from the truck] Parker, you realize that we can still hear you?

[Parker sighs exasperatedly]:

Amy: I'm glad you found a family.

Eliot: Who? Those guys?

Amy: I'm just sorry it couldn't be me.

Sterling: Look, it's terrible, what happened to your son. No one's denying that. Suffering doesn't automatically make you a hero.

Nate: I never claimed to be.

Sterling: You just think you're above the law.

Nate: Oh, no. I like think of it as I pick up where the law leaves off.

Parker: An unmarked van parked across the street from a bank that's being robbed. Yeah, I think he's talking to us.

[As they approach the bank disguised as FBI agents]

Parker: Those two deserve to get caught. 42 seconds.

Hardison: What?

Parker: To rob this bank. One security guard who's never fired his gun before, two closed circuit cameras outside, one inside, and a Glenn-Reeder safe built in the 50s whose default combination is the birthday of the manager's wife. Get in, get out, 42 seconds.

Hardison: Seriously?

Judge Roy: The truth? The truth is what I say it is.

Sheriff Bill Hastings: You guys sure are quick. Just called this in twenty minutes ago.

Hardison: Uh, we were coming back from a little border skirmish. Charlie unit came under attack by a pack of chupacabras.

Hardison: The…the book? The book got a good man killed. I can't…my blood pressure…

Parker: Ex-partner. Probably shouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.

Derrick Clark: No, no cops. If they find out we contacted the police, they'd kill her.

Sophie: They're not cops, I promise you. They're friends of mine, you can trust them.

Derrick: Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are.

Sophie: I'm a thief.

Derrick: Okay…I'm not sure what to do with that.

Nate: Parker, have you ever robbed a bank that's being robbed?

Parker: [smiling gleefully] There's a first time for everything.

Hardison: [giving the list of "demands" to local police] First off, they want 12 large pizzas. One cheese, one Hawaiian-extra pineapple, two pepperoni and black olives, two meat lovers...Seriously? Nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One triple-shot, half-caf vanilla latte, tall. Three of the latest copies of the Hall & Oates CD. I know, right? Exciting stuff. I didn't know they were coming out with a new one either. Um, we're gonna need some steaks. Steaks and a grill, they're tryin' to tailgate. OK, they need your overalls, I don't know why. They need some Kibbles and Bits. We need an Etch-A-Sketch. Somebody in there likes to squiggle, ok? Possibly we need some stuffed bears. Are we good? Let's go, people!

Derrick: [hands the briefcase with the money to Parker] There's a lot of money in there.

Parker: Yeah, I know.

Derrick: My wife's life depends on that money getting where it needs to go.

Parker: I understand…Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.

Parker: See him pocketing those cookies? He's hoarding food. That bag on the table? he keeps his essentials light and portable. He's knows he's going to be taken away at any moment. And there, when she goes to touch him, he flinches. He's expecting...for her to... Trust me. He's an orphan.

Eliot: This would be easier if you were in here.

Nate: Well, we would be if Sophie weren't already old friends with the ambassador.

Sophie: I wouldn't say "old" friends exactly.

[Flashback, Sophie, under guise, receiving a check worth $355,000.00 from the US ambassador]

Ambassador: The United States is pleased to make the first payment for construction of the trans-Ukrainian pipeline to her Royal Highness, Princess Magda of Slovenia.

[End Flashback]

Sophie:[Smiling] I still have that tiara though.

Sophie: Eliot, get ready to meet Irina. I'll give you your cues.

Eliot: You know, I have picked up women before, alright. Like yesterday.

Sophie: Mm-hm. Yeah. And we can all agree that that, um-

Nate: Dakma.

Sophie: What is it, Dakma, from the car retail place was a lovely girl, but listen, Irina's a professional grifter. She's going to see straight through your moves. She does this for a living. Gets people to like her, trust her, even fall in love with her. She doesn't do this for sport.

Nate: Mm. Sounds like someone I know.

Sophie: So, how'd you know Irina would go for the movie thing?

Nate: A European grifter who wants to be an actress? Lucky guess.

Nate: Where's Parker?

Eliot: [walking into the office] How the hell should I know?

Hardison: Can't reach her on the comms. She slipped the security grid at the embassy.

Sophie: Where could she be?

Hardison: This is Parker we're talking about. She could be halfway across Europe by now. Trust me, she is gone.

Parker: [popping up to the left of Nate] Who's gone? [everybody turns to her in surprise] What?

Sophie: This, this, this is my world! Okay, you need, you need someone to, I dunno, crawl through an air duct, you call Parker. Bash a head in? Eliot. Internet porn? Hardison! You need someone to take over a movie, then…

Hardison: I know growing up was tough, I-I know that you-you grew up in the system and that it was, it was bad, I know it-it was worse than bad, but that doesn't mean that all foster parents are monsters. Mine wasn't.

Parker: You grew up with your grandmother.

Hardison: We called her Nana, but she was our foster mom. She, uh, she-she would cuss like a sailor an' old girl would tan your ass just as soon as look at you, but, but she-she fed us, she bathed us, she put a roof over our heads, and, oh, she would raise hell if you so much as looked at us crooked.

Parker: Yeah? Well, you were lucky. No. We put these kids in the system and odds are, they're gonna…they're gonna… [tearing up] they're gonna turn out like me.

Earnshaw: Nothing's more dangerous than the confused when they think they know something.

Hardison: Everything I learned about people, I learned ringing doorbells and in a bow tie. Parker never had that. I mean, jumping from a skyscraper, she's cool. But making small talk, it's like pure terror.

Juror 7: [whispering to Parker] I hope the rest of this case is this good. [laughs]

Parker: [whispering back] What'd you have for breakfast? You smell like gravy.

Eliot: It's your turn to be in the dumpster.

Hardison: Nah, man, I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in some extra crunchy Skippy? Do you want to give me mouth to mouth?

Quinn: How much money are we talking?

[Sophie turned the sand pad, revealing the number 100,000,000]

Quinn:[Sputtering] Yo...You're serious?

Sophie: I flew 14,000 kilometers to give you that number.

Quinn: That's a very long trip.

Sophie: That's a very long number.

Eliot: You have an orange. Alright, now convince me that I want the orange, not the apple... I'm gonna take a bite.... [takes a bite]

Parker: I put a razor blade in that apple!

Eliot: [Spits out the apple] Are you serious!?

Parker: Maybe, but do you know what doesn't have a razor blade in it? This orange.

Peggy: I'm starving.

Parker: Me too, I could kill for a steak.

Peggy: I thought you were vegetarian.

Parker: Oh, yeah. I meant... a bean steak. A steak... made out of beans. Held together with soy glue.

Hardison: I literally cannot make this slower or any more boring. Okay? You know why they say Justice wears a blindfold? So you can't see that Justice is asleep.

Nate: I am sure there's reservoirs of boring you have yet to plumb.

[Skip to Hardison presenting his case]

Hardison: Slide 162, this is, this is good stuff. Dr. Goldferb, hi, can you tell us how the chemicals work their way into the neurotransmitters?

Judge: Is this going anywhere, counsel?

Hardison: Oh I assure you, your honor, the next 100 slides are essential.

Sophie: All I need for you is to settle your current legal matters. We can't go into business with you with bad press.

Quint: Earnshaw says if we settle, we open ourselves up to lawsuits-

Sophie: We don't care about more lawsuits. With a billion people in the workforce, a few deaths won't raise an eyebrow.

Quint: Government won't crack down?

Sophie: Mr. Quint, it takes five years to get a parking permit.

Parker: What are we supposed to do now?

Nate: We win the trial.

Hardison: Wha- I'm sorry, the impossible trial? The trial that can't be won?

Nate: Yep. That one.

Sophie: Charlie, the messenger guy, you know, the one with the five kids?

Parker: Gay?

Sophie: Bulimic. Trevor, the frat boy... however, yeah. Super gay.

Parker: What about Peggy?

Sophie: Actually, Peggy is disgustingly normal. But the rest of them they all have their own Alice White. You just, you just happen to give yours a name.

Parker: Alice made a friend!

Eliot: I'm gonna tell you one more time. You made a friend. Not "Alice."

Hardison: [After a narrow escape from a bomb] I'ma go and... freshen up a little bit. Maybe cry a little.

Nate: I don't think I need to apologize for drinking. I need to apologize, maybe, for not drinking. Maybe I'm a bigger bastard sober than I am drunk. Huh.

Marcy: If this is you sober, hell yeah.

Nate: Thank you, Marcy

[while in rehab, a detoxing Nate hallucinates a visit from Sterling]

Sterling: You know how to get rid of me. But that would violate all twelve steps, wouldn't it?

Sophie:[Over the phone] How did you break him [Hurley]?

Nate: Ah, well, um...

[Music playing in the background as Hurley is eating a taco]

Sophie: You took him out for tacos? Nate, you're enabling him.

Hardison: Whoa, whoa! I haven't slept in three days! I had a showdown with two different gangs, who now by the way, know my face, I sat on a bomb, and all of this could have been avoided had you gave the man a taco?

Nate: To hook this guy, we have to convince him Sophie's the real deal.

Sophie: And how are we going to do that?

Nate: Let's go steal us a concert.

[After they've been found out by their mark]

Hardison: Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a level-three NSA clearance. But I can't hack a hick.

Sophie: You don't have to do this, you know. Nate's gonna come up with something.

Eliot: I'm losing a fight, Sophie, I'm not diving on a grenade. I'll be all right.

Sophie: Yeah, I know, I'm not talking physically.

Eliot: I think my ego can handle it.

Sophie: Look, you told me it's about control, about knowing that you're never going to be the victim. And that's what keeps you going, right?

Eliot: You think I'm upset because I gotta let this guy kick my ass? I learned a long time ago that you can't control the violence. I can take the pain--that's what I do. What I need to control is not out there. [Puts his hand over his heart] It's in here. Always.

[During the fight with Eliot and Tank]

Sophie: Get the doctor, Parker, now.

Rucker: No need, it'll be over in a couple of minutes.

Sophie: You don't get it, do you? Eliot's not like other fighters! He doesn't play games! He fights to survive, that's his training. It takes all his control not to kill somebody! You've just made him more dangerous; you've taken the safety off the gun!

Jack: I just don't know who you are, Catherine. I've got a class. [Rises and walks away]

Sophie: Sophie.

Jack: Pardon?

[Sophie remains silent and Jack leaves]

Sophie: And Alice. And Karen. Michelle. [sighs] Elizabeth.

Hardison: Looks like an ordinary cell phone, right? It's not, man. It's a metal detector. See, it uses pulse-induction technology that sends out a current that generates a magnetic field, and then...are you even listening?

Eliot: Yeah.

Hardison: Well, what'd I say?

Eliot: You were explaining how you're still a virgin?

Nate: There are three general exceptions for house arrest: personal safety, death of a relative, and family events.

Eliot: Personal safety. We could burn the apartment down.

Parker: [excitedly raises her hand] Ooh! Ooh!

Widmark Fowler: I want someone to like me. Does that get easier when you're a grown-up?

Sophie: [long pause] Um, no, I don't think it does.

Widmark: You're nice. But weird.

Nate: Listen, we still got to get Fowler out of the apartment so that we can get in.

Parker: Except now when he leaves, there'll be someone waiting to kill him.

Hardison: Man, one of his victims wants payback more than he wants to be paid...back.

Sophie: What's not fair is the way people see him. His father sees him as a loser, his mother sees him as this fragile baby, his schoolmates see him as the boy who's father stole Christmas. I just think he...he... I just want people to see him as he really is. He deserves that. Everybody does.

Hardison: You can tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?

Eliot: It's a very distinctive stance!

Homeless guy: Remember when I said you had pretty hair? I was lying.

Parker: Yeah? Well, so was I when I said you didn't... wait, dammit.

Nate: So pizza delivery guy was your big plan.

Hardison: You know what, man, it was recon, okay? Information gathering has historically been a very safe and peaceful business. And it was a food company. It wasn't like it was making weapons.

Nate: Listen, I worked insurance for companies like this. Anyone who gets their hands on the company’s food patents could cost them billions. And by the way, they guard that stuff better than defense contactors

[During the pre-con briefing]

Hardison: This is the vice president of the frozen foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a K, Casten with a C.

Nate: And how is that relevant?

Parker: Oh. Eric with a C? Nice and friendly. Erik with a K? Evil.

Sophie: I didn't know that.

Parker: Everybody knows that.

Hardison: According to Dr. Jameson, Erik with a K is trying to cover up salmonella found in the frozen dinners so that his division doesn't have to pay out for that recall.

Eliot: That's why I grow my own food.

Sophie: How do you find the time?

Eliot: You make time. I only sleep 90 minutes a day.

Nate: That's our way in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. The state of the company meeting, here we go.

Eliot: What is that? I don't know what that is.

Parker: Me neither.

Hardison: Its like State of the Union?

Sophie: What is that?

Nate: Oh, right, right. You guys never had real jobs.

[After Eliot tells the team that he was once claustrophobic]

Parker: Really? How'd you get over it?

Eliot: I locked myself in a woodshed behind my house for a couple of nights. After that, I was fine.

Parker: That is so funny. I was scared of the dark and did exactly the same thing.

[Flashback; A young Parker pulls the trunk of a chest close over herself as other kids are burying her under dirt; Flashback ends]

Eliot: That's not the same thing. What's wrong with you?

[Hardison shows off his hacking skills using a cell phone]

Parker: You picked his pockets without stealing anything. Cool.

Hardison: It's what I do. A man, a phone, no limits.

Eliot: A man, a phone, no action. Come on, man, you left that out there like a hanging curve ball!

Eliot: How long is this gonna take?

Hardison: As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants so do not take that tone with me!

[last lines: after the job, Eliot and Sophie talk about Nate]

Eliot: He's fine. We practically had to beg him to come back, all right? He's not drinking, he's at the top of his game. I gotta be honest with you, I can't even believe we pulled this one off.

Sophie: Well, that's the problem. He keeps winning. Every time he wins, he believes a little bit more that he can control... life.

Eliot: It's what gets him through the day.

Sophie: What happens when he loses? Last time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again, I don't think even we could pick up the pieces.

Parker: Awwwww, he's rehearsing what he's going to say! I've seen him do that.

Nate: All right, all right, all right, guys, okay, you, you caught me.

Hardison: She checks out. Civil rights lawyer. Does a lot of pro bono work. Collects lost causes like kittens.

Eliot: Well, she's honest.

Hardison: Crusader. Incorruptible...

[Tara steps out of the car and waves at them]

Hardison: ...And one sexy librarian.

Tara: Look, Blanchard's here at the same time you are. That's a coincidence.

Nate: No, no, see we hacked into his online appointment schedule. I mean, yes, what a coincidence.

Hardison: Man, I hope you got a plan "B" or "F" or something in the first half of the alphabet.

Frank: I don't even know what to make of this.

Eliot: Well, let me see if I can help you out. You see, two guards come down from a maximum security prison in Salem and in the course of two hours, we uncover the leader of the Aryan nation. Now what does that tell you? You're sitting on a powder keg, son!

Orson: Blanchert said to keep it to ourselves because the mob was involved. That's all I know, I swear. I don't want to die in a prison riot. Please, call off your dogs!

Guard: Sorry, P.J. Time's up.

Nate: Right, so Blanchert paid the mob 50.000 dollars to kill someone named George Gilbert for Kimball. This should be an interesting meeting.

Tara: What dog- Do I have dogs?

Nate: Hardison, give me some good news.

Hardison: Oh, I've got some great news. They just put out an APB on Parker. It says she's late 20 Caucasian woman who shot an officer, she's an addict and she's armed. Trifeca.

Eliot: Hardison, how good's the description on her?

[A police car suddenly rolls up behind them]

Officer: Freeze! Police!

Parker: Pretty good.

Tara: You can't pretend to be a lawyer in a courtroom.

Nate: Well, stick around. I'm about to practice medicine too.

Nate: So, do you still think law is the only pathway to justice?

Tara: Now more than ever. I'd like to think you learned something from me today. [Walks away]

Nate: Certainly.

[After finding out who Tara really is]

Hardison: So you help out by lying to us?

Tara Cole: I wanted to see just how good you really are, and show you just how good I am. You could consider it my audition.

Tara: Alright, fine. But if he pulls this whole man-of-mystery crap again, I'm gonna kick his ass. And the whole I'm-sexy-because-I'm-broken thing only goes so far.

Sophie: I know right-Wait, what?

Tara: I got to go.

Sophie: What do you mean, sexy? [Cut off]

Eliot: [slapping hands together] How am I supposed to find soy candles on such a short notice?

Parker: [punctuating each word with a point] Farmers. Market.

Parker: How about this?

Eliot: That's a shirt, Parker.

Parker: Okay, but at least you can move in it. These clothes are totally impractical, okay? There's no range of motion, limited concealment options, and this reflective material would set off a motion detector a mile away.

Eliot: It's a fashion show, it's not Thieves-R-Us!

Eliot: A-line drape with the empire waist is nice, but the neckline's a little weak if you ask...me... [Parker gives him a weird look] What? Dated a lot of models.[Parker nods her head] Lot of private fashion shows, if you know what I mean.

Parker: [nodding] Yes, yes.

Eliot: But most of the dresses ended up on the ground.

Parker: Yup, I get it, you're a guy.

Eliot: That means they were naked.

Parker: [glares at him] Okay, seriously? [storms away]

Eliot: Yeah... I'm just saying.

[After Tara and Eliot finish off the last of the Triad thugs]

Tara: Admit it, you kind of like me now.

Tara: And for what it's worth, Sophie was right. You guys are the best I've ever seen.

Parker: [From behind] It was an inside job. Average keypad hack time is one minute nine-point-three seconds, inner door access card takes at least thirty seconds for anybody but Hardison, and then the vault was an old Mark 2 Remington. In and out, average seven minutes forty seconds. But these thieves, they did it in five minutes twelve seconds. Maggie had the best access, so the real thieves only had to get her code and badge... yeah, only way they could pull it off that fast.

Sterling: How long has she been sitting...?

Parker: [to Maggie] It's your first time being a fugitive so I made you a bag.

Maggie: Thank you, Parker. [to Nate] It's not that I don't appreciate getting out of jail. I just can't live my life a fugitive!

Nate: But you're not a fugitive.

Parker: Passports, money, lock-picks...

Nate: You were released, not broken out.

Parker: Toothpaste, explosives. Do not mix these up.

Maggie: Thank you, Parker. But you released me to run. I'm not going anywhere until my name is cleared.

Nate: Right, right, and that's what I'm here to do! To get the egg back and clear your name!

Parker: I got to hand it to the guy, it's a pretty good plan. I almost feel a little bad for screwing it up.

Nate: Really? I don't.

[Hardison suggests a vacation to Parker]

Hardison: Two weeks in Tokyo. We'd have a great time.

Parker: What are we stealing?

Hardison: We don't steal anything. We'd be tourists.

Parker: Not following you.

[later on]

Parker: So, I took your advice and did the whole touristy thing. Went to the museum, and it was amazing.

Hardison: You see?

Parker: Yeah. They have a Guardian T-840 Security System. I've only seen those things in books. And the motion detectors--ooh, gorgeous! Six digital receptors. Six!

Hardison: What about the paintings?

Parker: What about the paintings?

Tara: I got this one.

Eliot: Really? What're gonna say to him? 'Cause we got no cover story, we've got no background on this cat.

Tara: Okay. That's it then. I won't say anything. Really. Not one word. Just, when he turns around and looks at you, do that thing with your eyes that scares people.

Eliot: What- I don't-know what you're talking about-

Tara:[Smiling] Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Tara: What we imagine is always so much better than the reality.

Eliot: Like love?

Sophie:[via vid-cam] The Marketplace is a one-time event. Crops up in a city after an important piece has been stolen. You should have seen Stockae after the Rembrandt heist. Parking was a bloody nightmare.

[At a party at the American embassy in Kiev]

Sterling: I pulled a lot of strings to get tickets for all of you.

Hardison: [over comms]All of you? Wait, no. Hardison, he's in the van, eating stale candy, while all of you get to dine on canapés and... and champagne. I love canapés.

Sterling: Terribly sorry about that. The company has to draw the line somewhere. I can assure you, it has nothing to do with our little incident last year.

Hardison: Oh, you mean the incident where I came within five feet of blowing your ass up? Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with that at all. Van smells like cabbage.

Tara: Hey, I'm not Sophie. You want to drink? Go ahead. I'd drink too if I were you.

Nate: I was lying to you for your own good.

Maggie: Quick little hint for your next marriage. That excuse does not fly with any woman on Earth.

[Maggie and Nate share what they think will be their last kiss... and then Parker drops into their elevator car]

Parker: 'Scuse me. I just have to grab that bomb.

[As Alexander in puking in the garbage]

Parker: Don't worry. First bomb's always the hardest.

Maggie: You know, people underestimate you, Eliot.

Nate: That's kind of the point.

[After hearing that Sterling was invited to join Interpol for 'recovering' the egg]

Parker: Interpol? Seriously?!

Hardison: Sterling's career gets another boost off of our hard work.

Tara: We didn't even get paid.

Hardison: Nope.

Tara: I hate this guy.

[Eliot clicks her glass bottle with his]

Eliot: Now...you're part of the team.

Nate: I'm sorry I lied to you. Maggie.

Maggie: So am I.

Nate: This isn't what I want to do.

Maggie: Oh, now that's the lie.

Maggie: There's Irish whiskey in that coffee, isn't there?

Nate: Yeah. Little bit. Sorry.

Maggie: It's not the liquor that worries me. It's the fact that you're hiding it in your coffee cup. Nate... I meant what I said before. I really like the man that you've become. Too bad you don't.

Parker: Cut off his arms. And his head. Yeah. I wanna kill him. Can we make that happen?

Eliot: Yeah, I can... I mean, I could...

Nate: Or we could give him exactly what he wants... and then make the world think that he's the greatest psychic that ever lived, and then in front of the network and his audience, we destroy him.

Eliot: How do we do that?

Nate: We go and steal the future.

Rand: You want to know what the trick is? It's confidence. You believe what they're saying and they'll believe it too. Doesn't matter how many misses, 'cause it's the hits that they'll remember.

[While watching Tara hook their mark, who's just been zapped]

Eliot: You electrocuted him?

Nate: Yes, I did. It helps sell the bit.

Parker: I approve.

Nate: Thanks, Parker.

Eliot: No, her agreeing with you is not a good thing. That's—

Nate: Thanks.

Parker: Uh, I can only get one wallet at a time because someone is making me return them. And I still don't get we're not just making this guy dead.

Nate: Yeah, well that's why you're on wallet detail.

Nate: Now everyone was there at that show to talk to the dead except that one woman at the end. Why was she there?

Tara: Her husband. She thinks he's cheating on her.

Hardison: How'd you know that? All I said was that she had a private investigator.

Tara: Married woman in her 40's? She's not looking for the Maltese Falcon

Parker: So what? Kusen has a secret and he's gonna kill Rand so he doesn't reveal it? That'd be good.

Eliot: No, you wanna kill someone, you don't get out and throw them in a van. You don't get out of your seat.

Nate: Alright, Kusen needs Rand for his psychic abilities. That's why he's being so secretive around his wife.

Parker: So let me get this straight, we did such a good job of convincing Rand was really a psychic that we got him kidnapped.

Nate: Which means we have to find him, rescue him and then, you know, take him down.

Hardison: We need more boxes.

Parker: And a lot of luck.

Eliot: Yeah, well, I think we used up all our luck on finding this place.

Hardison: Wha-hold-hold hold on, man. You know what? It ain't luck, okay. Finding the perfect place to end a treasure hunt is a testimony to my intellectual prowess.

[Eliot drops a box on his foot]

Hardison: Ow!

Eliot: What? Its baby clothes.

Hardison: It says 'books', man!

Eliot:[grinning] Does it?

Tara: I have to say, guys, I totally saw this one coming.

[As Kusen and Rand are being arrested]

Tara: They do make a cute pair, don't they?

Nate: Let's see, we got, we got assault, kidnapping and burglary for our friend, Kusen. Garden-variety fraud for our psychic friend Dalton Rand. Any way we can get them in the same prison?

Hardison: That could be arranged.

Tara: So all the people who thought he could talk to their loved ones on the other side, what's to stop them from falling for the next Dalton Rand?

Nate: Not a thing. [Walks away]

Tara: Then why do it?

Jodie McManus: There was a part of me that knew it wasn't real, but I didn't care. I just...missed Mike so much, I wanted to see him again so bad.

Nate: You will see him again. Maybe it'll be a look. [gazes at her pregnant belly] Maybe it'll be a gesture. Maybe it'll be the way he spreads peanut butter on a slice of bread. But when you see it, you'll know, and you'll say 'that's Mike'. And you know what, that's a miracle that no one could ever sell you.

Jodie: Thank you, Mr. Ford.

[After she and her brother get up and leave the table]

Tara: And now I see why you do it.

Hardison: "He who sells miracles will have the Devil knocking at his door."

Parker: What is that, a proverb?

Hardison: Fortune cookie.

Parker: Wha...?[Parker looks at him in disbelief]

Hardison: What? It started with "He who."

. . .

[later, after the con is finished]

Parker: He who looks for hidden money shall find it. If he is also a thief.

Nate: No, I'm not a policeman. Um, I'm in a private sector. Your husband and I are colleagues.

Wendy: I appreciate you coming down here, but its not- Nate Ford? He talked about you.

Nate: He did?

Wendy: He said you helped him with some cases and he wanted to buy you a drink...and then arrest you.

[After deflecting the mayor's secretary with Tara's help]

Parker:[sighs] I owe you one

Tara: Now see. Trusting me ain't so bad.

Nate: How does business work with you, Mr. Culpepper? Frankly?

Mayor Brad Culpepper III: Well, frankly those who are with me from the beginning, they are at the front of the line. Those who are with me after the election, they're in the back of the line. And those who are against me...they are ground to dust.

Tara: I don't know. Culpepper doesn't strike me as the type to order a hit. Especially on something like a graft case. What's the big deal, you know? You get caught, you go on a two-day with your wife, you cry, you get re-elected.

Parker: Yes, it's the American way.

Tara: Exactly.

[Nate shares his idea for the con]

Hardison: Baseball?

Nate: Yeah, we're gonna steal this ballpark. [pause] And then the team... Not necessarily in that order.

Nate: So, uh, thanks to that little rumor we started about the team leaving town, ticket sales' crazy.

Tara: Well, it's a national past-time

Nate: Yeah, baseball or, uh, the con?

[After the sloppy theft of their 'plans']

Tara: Worse thief ever.

Nate: Amateurs

Nate: You are pro-business.

Culpepper: Alright, give me your number.

Nate: Hey, you know the first rule of real estate, Mr. Mayor; never negotiate against yourself.

Culpepper: And the first rule of politics, Mr. Git, when you want something, be aggressive.

Eliot: Really? The mayor gives us a check and we deposit it in some company you connected back to him and it looks like he's embezzling from his campaign funds. [Give him a fake gasp and then turns to Nate] Bottom of the ninth, man. I had to walk off single, man. Crowd goes nuts.

Hardison: That's- that not all there is, okay? We got-there's-there's the Bonnano thing. We got-

Eliot: What? We give Bonnano's notes to the newspaper, man. [to Nate again] They named a sandwich after me at T.J. Philbman's.

Hardison: Guys, look. When I contacted the FBI team leader, I put a worm in the operating system in the SIM card on her phone-

Eliot: Hardison! Geek spiral.

Hardison: We can listen to what they say.

[After hearing where the mayor is to be held at.]

Nate: Okay, that's it. That's where we'll hold up.

Tara: Wait? The Governor Hotel?

Nate: Yeah.

Tara: The hotel crawling with FBI?!

Eliot: FBI and Interpol.

Nate: Hey, you know, it's the last place in Boston they won't be looking for us.

Culpepper: Sterling?

Sterling: Yes, like the machine gun, not the engine.

Sterling: ...During the course of my first investigation with Interpol, the city of Belbridge drifted into my vision. Your little operation came up. Imagine my surprise and delight when [shows her a photo] I saw Nathan Ford in the FBI case files.

Eliot: I think in the last six months, I've heard you talk about beating the Triads, beating the Russians, alright? Maggie's boyfriend, huh? How'd that work out? We all said that meat was a bad idea, right. But you got a taste for taking down this mayor and you can't resist.

Nate: You want to walk away? Walk away.

Eliot: I'm not walking away.

Nate: Walk away.

Eliot: That's not my job. My job is to get your back and Nate, I'm gonna do it, all the way down. But I need you to do your job.

Nate: And what's that?

Parker: Be Nathan Ford. Be the person we came back for.

Nate: Tony Kadjic's the one who pulled the trigger. I want to know exactly what he's up to and where he is.

Hardison: And how do you propose we do that?

Nate: Let's go steal a mayor.

[Sterling enters the room to check on the mayor and comes out in an instant]

Sterling: Name's Bob right?

Agent Bob: Yes sir.

Sterling: You've been here the whole time, Bob?

Agent Bob: Yes sir.

Sterling: And nobody's gone in or out of here, Bob?

Agent Bob: No, sir.

Sterling: Then would you mind explaining...WHERE THE HELL THE MAYOR IS!?!?

Parker: This is hopeless. And it smells.

Eliot: How many ships left on the list?

Parker: Eight-hundred.

Eliot: Sweet.

Parker: Yeah.

[Both approach Tara]

Tara: This is hopeless.

Parker: And it smells.

Tara: Yes! Like old clown shoes.

Parker: Rotting despair

Nate:[Over the phone] Listen, I don't know who I am anymore, Sophie, and uh... You know when I was chasing you and everything, and when we were doing cons, I knew what I was, but not anymore. As crazy as this sounds, I-I need you to tell me, tell me when I'm going too far. I mean, it just- It gets out of control and I just don't know who I am and... and you've always been...my compass, and...you know, I care about you more than you'll ever know because I lo- I lo- I lo- I...

Parker: Don't worry. No one's ever died going in through an air duct.

Tara: That's...comforting.

Parker: Worst case, you slip and fall, break your legs, lay there for days scratching on the metal. It's like a long metal coffin. With wind.

[As Parker is holding Tara off the side of a building]

Tara: You're really strong.

Parker: Yeah. I hang from buildings by my fingertips.

Tara: It's not what you think. I was setting up a meeting.

Parker: Actually, that was exactly what I was thinking. Bye now.

Culpepper:[On the phone with Kadjic] They killed my FBI handlers. They murdered them! And they cut them into pieces, and put them in a bathtub. Into a hotel bathtub!

Tony Kadjic: [To Nate] Is this true?

Nate: To be fair, [nods at Eliot] he did most of the cutting.

Eliot: Thank you, I appreciate it.

Nate: You work hard.

Parker: So you were spying on us?

Tara: I was not spying. I was...an early warning system. Sophie was...she was worried Nate might go off the rails. So if it ever looked like he was spinning out of control, I was suppose to call and let Sophie lay in a back-up plan just in case.

Parker: Yeah, well why not us?

Tara: Because you were too likely to forgive him.

Parker: I suppose getting busted by the FBI and trying to bring down arms dealers while kidnapping the mayor does qualify as out of control.

Tara: You know, you actually had me worried for a second, that you were gonna drop me.

Parker:[Gives a fake laugh] That is silly.

Nate: Sophie. You came back.

Sophie: Well...you needed me.

[After Parker hugs Sophie]

Sophie:[Surprised] Parker touching?

Parker: Kinda, yeah

Tara: I hate to cut goodbyes short, but they're playing my song.

Eliot: Keep out of trouble.

Hardison: Or if you want to get in trouble again...

[After Nate surrenders himself and kisses Sophie]

Sophie: You call me, you tell me you need me, so you can do this? [Slaps him]

The Italian: You know what they say. That Rome was not built in a single day. But it burned in one.

Eliot: He don't wanna do it.

Parker: Aw. But I love jumping on elevators!

Hardison: I know.

Parker: This is my special elevator rig you got me for Christmas.

Nate: Guys, no. I committed a crime, I got caught, and now I am gonna serve my time.

Sophie: Nate, what kind of world would it be if everybody that committed a silly little crime went to prison, huh? Complete madness.

Hardison: Nate, did you find us a client in prison?

Nate: Yes, we are going to help Billy Epping and maybe take down a warden at the same time.

Billy Epping: You stabbed me!

Nate: Oh, come on. Just a little. It's fine.

[Eliot is strapping Nate into a chair.]

Nate: This is just to sell the con, right?

Eliot: Yeah, it's to sell the con. Nate, do you know what I did to the last guy who tried to run a con on his own team?

Nate:[nervously] Are we okay, Eliot?

Parker: I got it. The furnace room. There's no sensors because it's too hot. The crawl straight down along the heating pipes until they reach the sewage system. Ha ha.

Nate: No, Parker, its 150 degrees in there.

Parker: [slight pause] The average human can withstand that for twenty-seven seconds.

Sophie: Worth is on the hook. But with two fifty of ours as a buy-in.

Nate: Ouch.

Sophie: Oh, did I say ours? I meant what's left of your life's savings. Yeah. We took it out of your account.

Hardison: See, I like this. I like it when we pretend to kiss.

Parker: Pretend??

Hardison: [grins] Heeeeey.

Nate: What about my team?

The Italian: They lead dangerous lives. Thieves die all the time.

Nate: Now that, you should not have said.

The Italian: I don't know. You seem highly motivated.

Sophie:[pointing at drink] So how's that going for you?

Nate: Thanks for asking. Good. What I realized is that I tried being a drunk honest man, a sober thief. So I am going to try being a drunk thief. Try that for a little while. You not gonna try to save me, are you?

Duberman: Sloan, I've spoken to Davans, I've met presidents, prime ministers. I've got a yacht with a squash court. But what's the meaning of any of it if I can't rub it in their faces?

Sophie: An assassin? Nikki's an assassin?

Hardison: Yeah. I guess we weren't the only ones with a bright idea to pose as alumni. This chick's connected to wetworks jobs all down the east coast. Russian mob, Italian mob... There's a New Zealand mob?

Sophie:[As she's fighting Nikki/Miranda] I always hated cheerleaders.

Nate: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you locked me in a closet and now you're trying to kill my friend doucherman over here. I am starting not to like you.

Charles Rushing: Is that really necessary? I mean there's a certain order-

Sophie: This company is on the brink. It is hemorrhaging money. Now someone will be blamed. Now I can either be your white knight or the angel of death. Your choice.

Archie: So tell me Nate, what color is your hat these days? Black or white?

Sophie: Quiet and sneaky is fine if you're thinking like a thief. Thieves find entrances, but grifters? Uh-uh. We make them.

Nate: All right, guys, it's a party. But before we rescue Parker, we've gotta find out where she is.

Hardison: Nate, you do realize the entire building is looking for Parker? I mean the actual, physical building is looking for her. Look, any cameras that I piggyback, any sensors that I access, anything I do to find Parker, could lead the bad guys right to her.

Nate: All right, so what's your play?

Hardison: Wh-what's my play?? Nate, I'm hacking a security system that the Pentagon calls overkill with a laptop I found in the back of my car!

Parker: Laser trip wires. In a ventilation shaft?!

Nate: You couldn't beat the Steranko, even in your prime.

Archie: Which I'm long past, thanks for the reminder.

Parker: It's not an ASCII code, it's a shell code.

Eliot: That's great! You're Awesome! Let's go!

Parker: [as they run away] What's sexting?

Eliot: [exasperated] I am not having this conversation with you, Parker!

Hardison: I am the Super-Skrull. Okay? I have all y'all's skills. I hack, I grift, I thieve.

Eliot: Do you fight?

Hardison: I have a dog for that. Name's Megabite.

[Hardison is digitally altering a photo of their mark]

Eliot: That's nice. Make him—make him drunker. And then richer.

Hardison: What you want me to do, give the man a pet tiger?

Eliot: Can you do that?

Parker: This vault is a state of the art Glen Reader, it's unhackable, even for Hardison

Nate: So we have to get them to turn it off for us.

[After Nate reveals the part he needs Hardison to play in the con]

Hardison: You know what you've done? You asked me to play the violin in front of people!

Nate: Yes, well, you said you were good.

Hardison: As a child! That was ten years ago!

Nate: Oh, c'mon, c'mon Hardison. Listen, you know, told me you could do anything. You told me you were Super-Skull!

Hardison: Skrull. Skrull. Get it right. Super...Super...Super-Skrull. Who has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four. One of whom is not Itzhak Perlman!

The Italian: Mr. Ford, in the service of good, sometimes we have to deal with bad people and do bad things.

Ford: Really? 'Cause I work with a bunch of bad guys who are more honorable than you'll ever be. If we're gonna have this arrangement, never play me again.

Hardison: Nate... Hypnosis is something you do to a mark. Not your own crew.

Nate: No, no, no. It's exactly what you do to your own crew. Yeah, you push whatever button you need to, to get them to do what needs to be done. You wanted to know what other quality you needed to run your own crew. Well, that's it. And you don't have it.

[After Hardison and Parker leave]

Sophie:[To Nate] Alone again. If I didn't know you better, I think you like it like that.

Hardison: We wouldn't even be in this mess if you didn't want to go fishing! I coulda taken you down to Mama Pearl's Fish Shack and got you a catfish, two pieces, and a biscuit for $5.99! But instead you got us out here with trigger happy Joe's trying to fish us! And he's all too happy to shoot himself a negro!

Eliot: Oh so this is a black thing now? Is that it? There's hunting me too!

Hardison: You're damn Skippy it's a black thing! Who do they try to shoot first, Eliot?! Who got punched first, Eliot?! Me! I'm about tired of the redneckedness!

Eliot: Damn it, Hardison!

Hardison: Damn it, Eliot!

Nate: Now there are railroad tracks a mile and a half west of the camp. Can you get there?

Hardison: Sure, but what if there's no train?

Nate: Oh, there will be. We're gonna steal you one.

Nate: You're going to go toe to toe with these guys without a plan?

Hardison: Oh we have a plan, it's called C.W.A.

Eliot: Can of Whoop Ass.

Eliot: You feeling confident?

Hardison: No-o-ot really.

Eliot: Good, cause overconfidence can kill you faster than a bullet any day. Fear's good.

Hardison: Oh I have fear. And doubt. And really serious regrets, I should be fine.

Nate: Next time I steal you a train, get on it.

Hardison: You're not bringing me down. I made a bomb out of a menthol.

Nate: If you know what I've been, then you know this is my town now. And I don't want you running game in it.

Jimmy: All your life you thought you were better than me and now you're trying to be me? You can't be me. You don't have the stones for that. You're not tough enough, you're not ruthless enough. You don't have what it takes.

Sophie: Alright. So, we don't have enough information to run a con on this guy, not yet anyway so, um, why don't we sit this one out.

Sophie: When I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever...

Eliot: But I know she's lying.

Hardison: She's a grifter. It's her job.

Parker: Wait, I'm confused. Now, she's lying about lying?

Eliot: [on the phone] Why are you sending second rate thugs to try and kill me?

Thug: [looking offended] Hmmmm?

Eliot: If I'm not honest with you, you can't improve.

[Thug nods and grunts in agreement]

Eliot: [after letting himself into a guy's car] Don't talk, don't talk. I know it's your first instinct to talk, but don't. Your best course of action is to nod.

[Guy nods]

Eliot: Good. I'm gonna need a couple of things from you. I need your glasses, I need your clothes, and I need your little invite to this party. This can go two ways--you can give them to me, and I can stuff you in the trunk of this car, which, by the way, looks pretty comfortable. Not a bad night. Or, you can not give them to me... and I can do exactly what you'd expect a crazy guy in your back seat to do to you. [The doctor hands over his keys] That's the right choice.

[Eliot's telling his version of the story]

Sophie: Blimey governor, that there's loaded with sea roaches. That's British for shrimp, we have different word for a lot of things. It's a bit stupid int'it?

Sophie: Oh My God! Wait, what's that voice?

Eliot: It's your accent.

Sophie: That's what I sound like to you?

Sophie: You really can't tell? Americans! All accents sound the same. Please go on, I sound like one of the dwarves in Lord of the Rings, but continue.

Sophie: It was en route. That's like stealing my mail.

Parker: What, is stealing mail a crime?

[Sophie glares at her]

Parker: Oops.

Eliot: I smell peppermint. Do you smell peppermint?

Hardison: [posing as Minister Bioko] Are you sure?

Eliot: It has a very distinctive smell.

Eliot: I am going to sharpen this knife and then walk around the halls in the dark... Don't leave.

[After Hardison relates side of the theft]

Sophie: I don't believe it.

Hardison:[Grinning] I beat you. [To Eliot] And I beat you too. And nothing else matters.

Hardison: I made glue for the binding from animal parts I do not care to discuss...I made content for the filler pages using an algorithm from digitized colonial era novels and diaries...it's, it's Shakespeare in the house, people, Shakespeare.

Parker: Yeah, it sounds like a lot of work.

Hardison: It is. In a single day I've gone from apprentice to journeyman to master.

Hardison: Hey. Eliot worked with Moreau back in the day. A lot. [to Eliot] Tell.

Nate: We've been chasing Moreau for six months and you didn't tell us?

Eliot: Because I was trying to--

Nate: Because what?

Eliot: --figure a way around this without--

Nate: So, what, you're protecting him, or--

Eliot:I'm protecting you! Okay? Last time I checked, that's my job.

Eliot: Every one of Moreau's men has innocent blood on their hands. Every one of them. Every one of them are worse than me. You think you know what I've done, Nate? The worst thing I ever did in my entire life, I did for Damien Moreau. And I...I'll never be clean of that.

Sophie: Look, we all have a past, you don't have to tell us anything, Eliot--but I think we've learned, we've got to be straight with one another.

Hardison:[about the corpse they are using to fake Atherton's death] You said 'white male John Doe,' I got you a white male John Doe. This ain't the Gap!

Parker: Who taught you how to drive?

Sophie: Taxi driver in Istanbul.

Parker: [grins] I like it.

Hardison: We got to get on that freight car.

Parker: I have an idea.

Sophie: Am I gonna hate it?

Parker: No, but he is.

[Later]

Parker: You got an idea?

Hardison: Yeah.

Parker: Am I gonna hate it?

Hardison: No, but I am.

[Hardison is disarming the EMP Bomb]

Parker: What are you doing?

Hardison: This battery is one of a kind. Now if I do this right I'll overload the batteries, they explode and this thing will be worthless.

Parker: And if you do it wrong?

Hardison: Uh...the bomb triggers a giant EMP pulse, Washington D.C. is fried, thousands will die, and we go down as the biggest terrorist in American history, but we'll be dead too so it's not really our problem.

Parker: There's that.

Hardison: There is that.

Chapman: [holding a gun on Eliot] You said you didn't like guns.

Eliot: I don't. [quick-draws and shoots him three times] Never said I couldn't use 'em.

[Parker and Hardison are hanging onto a train after causing a minor explosion]

Eliot: General Flores. Could you please tell my team what you've been saying earlier about Moreau?

General Flores: I've not been General in a long time, Commander.

Nate: General, I understand you're taking quite a risk to yourself and your family by talking to us. We- we certainly owe you a debt.

Flores: No. I am the one with the debt. Spencer saved my life. Twice.

Nate: Once. And a half.

Parker: How do you half-save someone's life?

Eliot: Because I was the one that was sent to kill him. So I figure that only counts as a half, right?

Hardison: That actually makes sense.

[After capturing Flores]

Moreau: Okay, don't blame yourselves for this. Ribera makes sure I stay safe so I make sure he stays president. Actually, to be fair, I wouldn't have found Flores if you hadn't contacted him, so go ahead and do blame yourselves.

Nate: Now, we've been in this situation before, I pushed you into it.

Parker: You were drunk. Suuuuper drunk.

Nate: Thanks, Parker. I remember that.

Nate: Let's go steal a country.

Nate: No, no, no. This guy's awful.

Sophie: I have to agree with Nate. And you know how much I hate doing that.

Sophie: Nate, I have to say, of all the deceitful, unprincipled, corrupt things I've done in my entire life, nothing's as bad as-

Nate: Politics?

Sophie: I can't even say it.

[After Nate bluffs to Moreau that Hardison hacked into the security feed]

Hardison: You do know I haven't hacked into any of the security feed for Parliament.

Nate: Yeah.

Hardison: I should go get on that.

Nate: Do.

Hardison: Yeah.

Sophie: Nate, if stealing a country was easy, everyone would do it.

Vittori: I think I hate you.

Nate: You know, I'm okay with that.

Hardison: I am going to be so glad when this election's over.

Nate: Well don't be. The only reason we're alive is that Moreau doesn't want to taint the election. He's gonna kill us, yeah, the second the polls close.

[After capturing Nate]

Ribera: Okay, I have CNN, I have BBC, I have the UN election inspection general all calling for my blood. Can I kill him yet?

Flores: Who are you?

Parker: I'm supposed to tell you, 'we be the Calvary'.

Flores: Spencer.

Damien: I have the media. I have the guns. I have the— the government.

Nate: You know what I have? I have a 24 year old genius with a smartphone and a problem with authority. You really never stood a chance.

Sophie: Because he's just a bit more of a whiny baby than the rest of you.

Nate: Let's go steal a murder

Beck: Welcome...to this year's gala. Or, as I like to refer to it, "Humiliation 101." [Laughs]

Hardison: Nate, we got a problem. This place isn't just off the grid, it's in a whole damn time warp.

Parker: Definitely 1850s. Before the Civil War.

Nate: It's old? That's the problem?

Hardison: It's prehistoric. It's totally analog, all manual. there's a junction box on every damn floor. There's no computers, nothing to crack, nothing to hack. [Lights flicker off and on] And that is on my last nerve

Nate: Hardison, what's the rule?

Hardison: Don't bring up a problem unless you got a fix.

Hardison: Wait, wait, what the hell's going on down there? Nate killed somebody.

Eliot: No, Nate didn't kill somebody. You didn't, did you?

Nate: Of course not.

Parker: You'd tell us, though, wouldn't you?

Nate: Yes, Parker, I would tell you if I'd murdered the mark.

Parker: Umm.

Hardison: Damn blackout, prehistoric wiring, mobsters, Nate's killing folks. I did not sign up for this.

Parker: Nate didn't kill anyone. He said.

Sophie: All right, it's your bar. Think. It's what you do.

Nate: Yeah, thanks, yeah.

Sophie: But while you're thinking, think about this. Are you climbing into that bottle because of what you think we see when we look at you, or because of what you see in the mirror?

Sophie:[to Nate] He [Rockwell] works from the shadows deciding who to take down, convinced he's making the world a better place, implying a certain moral superiority over his victims. Any of this sound like someone we know?

Nate: I mean, what we're really asking here is how would I destroy myself.

Parker: Yeah, and you can't say "booze."

Hardison: Really? The slow clap?

Eliot: Yeah, yeah, man. I got 'em all the time in high school. You didn't get one of those in high school?

Hardison: But it's not-it's not what you think, at all. It's an ASCD, an Automated Safe Cracking Device.

Parker: I'm a safe-cracking device. [Stomps out]

Nate: [walking into the frame and looking at Hardison] I told you not to call it Parker.

[When Molly is kidnapped]

Nate: No, this can't be an abduction. This is K&R. The Russian buys, they want the chip. We are on a reset. Our main objective is the girl. We find her, bring her back safe. We lose the chip if we have to. We burn Connell if we have to. Anyone have a problem, speak now.

Nate: Eliot, we're gonna need to know if anyone has left the carnival.

Eliot: Forty seconds from the main entrance. Nate, if I'm engaged...

Nate: Do your worse.

Hardison: [Instructing Eliot with chemicals] Now mix and run like hell.

Eliot: [sets off a minor explosion with thick smoke] Dammit Hardison! A little warning next time!

Hardison: What you think "run like hell" meant?

Hardison: I didn't make her to replace you. I would never want to replace you. I-she's-she's for you.

Parker: Yeah, but what are we stealing? Is it "let's go steal a mountain" or a potato or a funeral or a panda or...

Hardison: I told y'all not to let her go to that festival unsupervised.

[Sophie has just wowed the team-and the mark-with her performance as The Chocolate Whisperer]

Hardison: [disbelieving] Just one piece of chocolate?

Nate: That's my girl.

Hardison: She's scary

Mrs. Cox: That Sophie woman, I don't think her crackers are quite toasted. She wants me to moonwalk with a bear.

Nate: No, no, see, we are doing a version of the moon-walking bear...I.B... Intentional Blindness. See...Basically what it is is if a person is, ah, so focus on something that-you know, that they-they don't-that they can't see the obvious thing right in front of them like a-like a moon-walking bear.

Mrs. Cox: But what if the bear eats me?

FBI Agent: Greg Sherman, aka....what is it again?

[The civilians start yelling out random fish.]

Parker: Crappie Blowfish

Sophie: Gefilte Fish.

[As he's being arrested]

Sherman: Wait a minute. Who are all these people? They're not shills.

Nate: Oh, these people...they are your victims. Meet Mr. and Mrs. Wang. You stole $68,000 from Mr. Wang's father. It was all the money he had. You stole from every single person in this room. Every single one of them is a victim.

FBI Agent: Are you Special Agent Hagen?

Parker: Mm-hm.

FBI Agent: Agent McSweeten sends his best. And he also sends a...haiku.

Parker: [asking how to get another badge] How do we get do that? Break Eliot's wrist?

Hardison: What? No-no, we just pick one up from where the ground crew left it.

[Later]

Sophie: [discussing the final step-getting into the airline tower] Well, we have to lure them out...

Parker: Oh! Okay, set Nate on fire?

Eliot: [looking annoyed] Settle down!

Parker: [sarcastically, after opening the combination lock on a locker] Yeah, this will keep my stuff safe, pff, from a 6-year-old with DTs.

[opens the locker, takes out a jacket and removes the badge while Eliot smashes a lock open with the palm of his hand, removes a second badge from the locker]

Hardison: It's a girl's badge-

Eliot: Man up!

Sophie: You just told the mark we're after him.

Nate: No, no. He knew we were onto him as soon as we grounded his plane.

Sophie: You gave him your name!

Nate: I want him to know my name.

Hardison: You know what. Shame on you ,shame on your mama, shame on your kids

Security Guard: That's OK It looks like you used to-used to be a very pretty girl.

Hardison: Used to be?

Security Guard: And now you're a very handsome gentleman.

Hardison: Are you hitting on me?

Hardison: You better readjust your peripherals!

Hardison:[after faking his way into the flight tower] I don't care what anybody else says, next time I'm taking the train.

Nate: I know what you're gonna say.

Sophie: I think you should have a drink.

Nate: Okay, I didn't know what you were gonna say.

Nate[over the radio]: Hardison, uh, we need a tornado.

Hardison: A-a-a what?

Control Tower Boss: I'll stay behind.

Hardison: No, man, you know, you go. I'll stay.

Tower Boss: I can't let you do that, son.

Hardison: You're a hero. You are a hero, but you know what? If anything should happen, like this tornado hits, when it actually hits, the glass shatters, and all the shards come and cut your body up like hamburger meat before you even know what hit you. We will not forget you, all right?

Tower Boss: I have an idea. You take the tower. I have an emergency-protocol thingy.

Hardison: Brilliant.

Tower Boss:[Salutes] Good luck.

Hardison: Good luck.

Tower Boss: Thank you. [Hurries away]

Hardison: All right. Good luck. Godspeed. All that.

Chesney: You know, you have a strange sense of humor, Mr. Ford. Why are you toying with me, with my heart?

Nate: Well, it's not your heart now, is it?

Chesney: Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Nate: Well, I don't have much use for the law, and you don't have much time.

Chesney: This is my only chance. I've planned for months. I have eight backup contingencies. I'm fighting for my life, Mr. Ford! What are you fighting for?

Nate: I am fighting for that 15-year-old boy that you're going to kill.

Chesney:[Scoffs] God helps those who help themself.

Nate: And I help people who can't. And God help you if anything should happen to that boy, because if he spends more than one second longer in that hospital than he needs to, I will make it my mission in life to end you. I will ruin you. I will ruin your name. I will ruin your company. I will bring down everything you have ever touched. And when I am done, I will hunt you down, and I will kill you myself.

Nate: We know what security system is protecting the weight, so all we got to do is hack into it.

Hardison: OK, let's get one thing clear here. What you say "we," you really mean me. And what do you mean, "just hack into it," Nate? I don't know what this thing is. Never seen it before in my life. How am I supposed to hack it?

Nate: That's a very good question, Hardison. I'm sure you'll have it figured out by tomorrow. Good luck. [Leaves the room]

Sterling: Some things just never change. [Sophie and Hardison glare at him] Is it time for me to go, too?

Sophie: You're gonna have to beat all these champions to make sure you and Olivia play in the finals.

Nate: Mm-hmm.

Hardison: Yeah, now, these are the grandmasters, Nate. OK, you're good, but not that good.

Nate: I beat you every time, Hardison.

Hardison: Maybe if you let me use the Vulcan rules like I'm accustomed to. I mean, you're stingy with it Nate. You're real stingy.

Sterling: Let me get this straight, 'cause I'm having a hard time believing this. You're telling me you think he acted alone.

Eliot: That's not what I said, is it?! I said I don't think that there was only one bullet. Where did you get this coffee, man? It's horrible!

Sterling: Coffee's fine. If there was a second bullet, that means there was a second shooter. Otherwise, he fired a Carcano bolt-action twice in less than two seconds, which simply cannot be done. You do realize that, on a topic where nobody agrees on anything, you pick the one thing, the only thing, which is not up for debate! Simply humanly impossible!

Eliot: I did it. [chuckles]

Sterling: Bollocks.

Eliot: You'd be surprised what people can do when they're properly motivated. Seriously, did you put something in this?

Sterling: Your file says that you crawled three miles through a sewer to kill the head of al-Qaeda in Yemen, but the coffee is a problem.

[As she trying out the weighed boots]

Parker: It's like I'm the human Hulk. Parker smash! [Hits the table]

Parker: His limp and these boots, I... I don't like them. They're weighing me down. Quick and light, that's how I survive. You slow me down, you kill me.

Hardison: Hey, hey, Parker, hey.

Parker: What?

Hardison: Hey. You had to be quick because you were alone. If you get caught, that's it. I get it. But you're not alone anymore. Look. Look at me. You're not alone. You're not. You have a team. You have me. And I got you. I got you, girl.

Nate: Oh, I was just saying I think you're taking some unnecessary risks.

Olivia: If I were afraid of a little danger, I would play checkers.

Nate: Well, you must be afraid of something.

Olivia: Spider. Poisoned pawns. Carbs. But you want to know what I'm not afraid of?

Nate: Hmm.

Olivia: Being afraid. [Nate chuckles] You like that? I stole it from my dad.

Hardison: Parker, that...that sounded a lot like ball bearings rolling across the floor.

Parker: Uh huh.

Hardison: Was that because there were ball bearings rolling across the floor?

Hardison: C, that's a little close to home, man. You need to switch that up. How many plans does Eliot die in?

Nate: None. And [pointing to Parker] none. And [pointing to Sophie]...nnehh. So there is a plan where he [Eliot] comes out of it with a scar from the temple through the eye all the way down to his mouth-

Hardison: Until recently, they held these experiments in, like a private farm facility, but after Schaevel's death, they moved it here, to the basement of the university Psychology building. Now, most people would dive into the question of, "why did they move"? I, however, am not most people.

Nate: You want to skip the "behold my genius" part and get to what you found?

Hardison: "206" refer to the number of bones in the human body, which is why they refer to each other as Dustmen.

Sophie:Titus Andronicus.

Nate: "I will grind your bones into dust and with your blood and it, make a paste."

Eliot: Let me ask him something. You ever played a video game where you go quail hunting?

Nate: You see, the birds, understandably, they don't like to be shot-

Parker: So they hide in the bushes. When you hunt, you have to beat the bushes with a stick. That way, you scare the birds into the sky, and there's a man waiting there with a gun and good aim, and he... [makes a gun cocking sound] ...picks them off.

Nate: Yeah, but that's my point, you know? He should be panicking, and he's not.

Hardison: He's just a kid, Nate. How bad could it get?

Nate: How many grown men said that about you while you were raining digital fire down on their lives?

Hardison: Ah, now I'm nervous.

Grizzled POW:[Showing his tattoo]Semper Fi. You know what it means? In English? Most people don't.

Eliot: It means "always faithful."

Grizzled POW: That's the promise a marine makes to his country. They don't tell you it only goes one way.

Eliot: If this country was known for keeping its promises, we wouldn't need marines, would we?

Grizzled POW:[Laughs] You got that right, brother!

Eliot: What do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? What food was on their breath? Their eyes? You want to know what color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to know which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn’t? Want to know which ones begged? Want to know why I know these things?…Because I can’t forget. So there’s nothing you can do, no punishment you can hand out that I live with every day. So to answer your question, no, I never counted. I don’t need to.

Parker: So, remember last night when you were playing with your pretend friends?

Hardison: They're not pretend. They're just not in the same room as me.

Parker: They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend. Remember when you took the thingy with the glowing thingy and used it to kill the guy who was on the shiny stuff and also there was all this magic?

Hardison: [smiles] I think so

Parker: That was so cool. I mean how many people here are cool enough to kill the guy with the thing?

Hardison: You're right. That was pretty cool.

Parker: Yeah [kisses his cheek and walks away]

Sophie[over comms]: That actually worked?

Hardison: No but the fact that she thought it would work, that worked.

Parker: Should I tell him it's the age of the geek?

Hardison: He'll figure it out eventually.

Elliot: Now, I got four minutes to prove your theory wrong.

CIA Man: What theory?!

Elliot: That torture doesn't work.

[Parker brings Hardison a paper she has written for him while he pretends to go to college]

Hardison: Oh, I kind of dropped this class.

Parker: You dropped it before or after you asked me to write a ten-page paper on cross stitching in America?

Thug 1: The Boy Scouts meet in the basement and they're not a religious group.

Thug 2: A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Reverent is there at the end because it is, if not a faith based organization, not entirely secular!

[Giving Hardison relationship advice]

Eliot: I don't know, man. Maybe every once in a while take the hoodie off, put a suit on, maybe light some candles, back away from witch of Warcraft...

Nate: So the local branch of the cartel is gonna take delivery of the drugs and kill Hurley to cover their tracks.

Hurley: What do the Irish want?

Nate: They want to steal the delivery and kill you to send a message.

Hurley: That's a lot of killing me in there

Eliot: [handing Hardison the gun] Don't play with that.

[later]

Eliot: Told you not to play with that thing.

Shelly: They're not coming back with that pizza, are they?

Bonnano: You get used to it.

Hurley: Nate, I know I'm not your friend, but I want you to know, you are my friend.

Nate: Thanks.

Hardison: Of course I'm a racist, I'm a dirty cop!

Irish Thug: Why is there a nun's habit without the nun?

Nate: Rapture!

Nate: Can I just ask you one thing here because how in the hell would you give Hurley information about how to find me, ever?

Hardison: You know what, Nate, it seems like lately you've been so focused on the part of the job where we wreck people, I thought it might be nice to show you we actually do some good in the world. I know you're mad, but-

Christie Valada/Lacey Wellesley: Once I'd sent her $2 million, I figured she'd allow me to go my own way.

Eliot: You underestimated her greed.

Christie: I underestimated her fear. My falling in love with a mark meant she could no longer trust me.

Sophie: True love does exist.

Eliot: May it always prevail.

Hardison: Hear, hear.

Parker: Slainte.

[Parker has just received a Venus Flytrap]

Parker: It eats flies. A plant that actually does something.

Latimer: In my dealings, I've discovered an innocent who's been wronged. An engineer's invention was stolen by a corporation. If you and your team acquire the patent, you can prove the company owes him millions.

Nate:[scoffs] You make a few investments ahead of time, bet against our opponents.

Hardison: It's a mental strike. I'm not really here. I'm actually far, far away, in my mind. Besides, who's gonna help Parker carry out those gold bars. You know how much each one of those things weighs? They are heavvvvvyyyy.

Hardison: If you let me run the con from the beginning, you would have found out that the Madsens melt down their daily intake of gold and ship it out to their brokers at the end of every day. That vault is almost always empty.

Eliot: So you knew it was empty. Hardison, I'm gonna tell you something. I want you to listen to me very carefully, OK? You ever pull this again, I am gonna personally make sure you're off this team, 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in you body!

Hardison: Now what I did was hacked questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.

Eliot: What?

Parker: It's a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. They're actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...

Hardison: And I've got a surprise. Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission. Parker, you're "Gold." Sophie, you're "Silver," Nate, "Mercury," and Eliot, "Mr. Punchy."

Eliot: You kidding me with that one?

[Hardison shows him the animation punching]

Eliot: All right, that's pretty good.

Eliot: Did you take a bite of all of these?

Parker: I had to see which one I wanted.

Nate: Now, listen. Don't get ahead of yourself. The Madsens haven't made up their mind yet.

Hardison: Nate, they're already hooked. You know it.

Nate: It's a good plan. I'll give you that.

Hardison: Thank you. Was that so hard? No.

Nate: Listen, Hardison. The only things success teaches you in this job is the next time, make it a little tougher. And tougher means more risk, more danger, more pressuring yourself. And that pressure begins to take a toll. You know, you begin to see the absolute worst in people. Their sins, their weaknesses, things you take advantage of. And after a while, you realize that maybe the job has changed you. And not always for the better.

Nate: It's all on you, Hardison.

Hardison: How am I gonna do this?

Nate: You're the puppet master. Pull your strings.

Nate: You never count on the perfect plan. The perfect plan, it has too many moving parts, and it's... you got to expect the perfect plan to fail. I means, that's what I do.

Hardison: Then what do you count on?

Nate: I count on the simplest and ugliest plan, not plan "A," no, but, like, plan "G," for example. I start with plan "G." Now, the quick, simple, ugly plan that I know is gonna work if everything goes bad.

Sophie: [to Nate] This is a new low, even for you. We both know you're cold, you're distant, you're emotionally unavailable, but you're always punctual.

Eliot: What does Latimer want at the Patent Office?

Hardison: Uh, what doesn't he want? A cure for the common cold, warp drive, a water engine. People, everybody knows the government is sitting on futuristic technology at the Patent Office.

Parker: They are?

Hardison: Oh, damn straight, girl. Under the Invention Secrecy Act of 1951, the US government has sealed away over 5,000 patents that they say is a threat to national security. It's all just sitting right there chillin', locked away in a super-secret vault.

Parker: Is there a time machine?

Eliot: There is.

Parker: Yeah.

Eliot: Yeah, no so much a machine as probably a portal, though. You don't really sit down-

Cha0s: I bet you were born ready, right? Come on, dude. I know you want to say it. [With a graveled voice] "I was born ready."

Quinn: I don't know how Eliot does this.

Eliot: You know a lot of things, Nate, but you don't know how this is gonna change you.

Nate:: You handled it.

Eliot: You have no idea who I was before all this started. That guy—kid—he had God in his heart, a flag on his shoulder. Clean hands. I haven't seen him in the mirror in over ten years. And believe me, I get up every morning looking for him. So you can trust me when I tell you that if you pull that trigger, two men die: the guy you kill, and the guy you used to be.

[Later, Eliot is holding a gun on Victor Dubenich.]

Sophie: Eliot, what are you doing?

Eliot: I was thinking I could save my friend some trouble.

Victor Dubenich: You didn't kill the man who let your son die.

Nate: My son would be ashamed of me if I turned into a killer.

Victor Dubenich: Yes…right.

Nate: [points the gun at him] My father, on the other hand, would buy me an ice cream.

Nate: I have plans…oh so many plans.

Archie: No reason you should care, but I approve of your young man very much.

Parker: I do care.

Archie: How does that feel?

Parker: Weird, but I think I'm getting used to it.

Sophie: I don't have a lot of rules in this world. Three, actually: Don't count the money until after the con, know when to walk away from the con.

Nate: The Gambler? You're basing your life philosophy on a Kenny Rogers song?

Cha0s[condescending]: This place is so old it doesn't have any modern security measures, but it's still tied into the main dam's maintenance system. So this is what we call a back door.

Quinn: How many fingers do you need to type? Round down.

[Later...]

[Quinn and Cha0s are being chased by gunmen and are cornered at a railing of the dam, and look down at the crashing water below: their only escape]

Quinn: We call it a back door. [pushes Cha0s over, then jumps over after him]

Latimer: You made it impossible for Hardison to hack us with a computer so he hacks us with a clam?

Cha0s: They are ready for your kung fu. They are completely unprepared for my drunken mastery.

Hardison[when Cha0s proves him wrong]: Wow. This must be how Eliot feels. I just realized this is how he feels all the time. I just want to hit something.

Latimer: You don't want to kill me. It was him. He blackmailed me into helping him.

Dubenich: No.

Latimer: You let me go, I'll make it up to you, I swear.

Nate: Oh, you're saying kill Dubenich and let you go?

Latimer: Yes. Yes.

Nate: Hang it on him?

Latimer: Yes.

Nate: Oh, yes, ex-con with fraud convictions, make him the fall guy. You get a bunch of lawyers and start over. I see how that could all work out for you. It's pretty perfect, because with Dubenich dead, there'd be nobody to contradict your story, right? So all your problems would be solved.

Dubenich: That's right! You kill me, he starts over! He's the CEO of a powerful company. He could do a lot of harm to a lot of people. Nate. He sent your father into the warehouse.

[Nate turns the gun on Latimer]

Nate: So kill Latimer and let you go? Yeah, well, that way, I mean, there would be no one to tie you to the illegal trades. And, I mean, you're smart. You'd find the cash and the diamonds that he hid. So with Latimer dead, you'd go free. But the problem that I'm having with all of this is if only one of you dies, the other will go free! I got five bullets! Who would like to go first?

Sophie: Well, that was a spectacularly awful plan.

Nate: Lucky you showed up then.

Hardison: Nate! Can we keep the cave?

Nate: We are not keeping the cave.

Nate: Hey. Let's go break the law.

Sophie: Mm. Just one more time?

Nate: Oh, a few more times.

Eliot: You can't get a car in there. You can't have the Batcave without the Batmobile.

Eliot: Hey Hardison, what are you talking about? Like a light you would shine up in the air? How does that work? And how would you see it during the day, first of all, and what would you put on it? A wolf? Or a Knife? No a wolf, a wolf is cooler…

Hardison: To do: hack the National Artifact website. [sarcastically] Yay. What else?

Nate: He's nowhere near his office. - I don't know, we're at some sort of museum.

Hardison: What kind of museum?

Nate: You know, the kind that has a 747 on the top of it. Portland is, uh...odd.

Sophie: We're gonna have to have a serious talk about moving somewhere with less rain.

Hardison: London has rain.

Sophie: No, London has fog. Fog is mysterious. Rain just ruins my hair.

Sophie: We did not agree on this. No, this was just going to be a stopover until we made it back to Nate's place.

Hardison: Nate's apartment. About that. You see that street? That's the street in front of Nate's apartment. That car right there is FBI, SUV is State Police, and that little pretzel cart is both delicious and Interpol. Nate's apartment is burned.

Eliot: Well, you can't just set up shop in the back of someone's restaurant.

Hardison: Of course. That's why I bought the microbrewery... Dude, we brew our own beer now!

Parker: And we're calling it Thief Juice: Tastes like bad guys.

Hardison: Babe, no we're not. I told you to put it in the suggestion...

Eliot: This is the dumbest idea you've ever come up with.

Sophie: Thank you.

Eliot: Pairing food and drink is hard enough with the wine, OK? They have textural and taste consistencies throughout both the vineyard and the grape categories, OK. But you're not dealing with wine, you're dealing with beer. It's got a stronger palate. The brew/pub menu is the hardest menu to design.

Hardison: The, the, the Spruce Goose? The Spruce Goose, built by Howard Huges, the Tony Stark of the '40s, biggest plane on earth, made of all wood, wingspan-longer-than-a-football-field Spruce Goose?

Sophie: It's gets worse. Tomorrow, the board of directors are voting on a merger with two passenger airlines. And Roemer's gonna move the maintenance to his Mexico facility. The next time one of his planes falls out of the sky, it's gonna be full of people.

Hardison: OK. [to Nate] Nate, I realize this is the kind of guy that makes you very angry. Please do not do what I think you're about to do.

Sophie: I blame you.

Hardison: Me? I didn't tell the man to run a scam using the biggest airplane on earth.

Sophie: Why are you OK with this? You seem perfectly happy to be in this...town.

Parker: We're here.

Sophie: Yeah, I know. "We're here, get used to it."

Parker: No. We're here. Us.

Sophie: Oh. That's sweet.

Parker: Yeah. Me and my money, Hardison and Eliot, Nate and you.

Sophie: Yeah? Parker, why does the money always come before the people?

Eliot: To be honest, when you're not on the receiving end of it, watching him [Nate] mess with somebody's head is pretty impressive.

Hardison: Yeah. He's like one of those aliens that feeds off of people's fear.

Eliot[facing a group of armed men]: I'm only going to say this once boys. Give me the ...[hesitates]... Teddy bear.

Hardison: Here is the first of my new batch. [Serves the beer]

Nate: Oh, uh, you know, I'm really more of a whiskey kind of guy.

Sophie: Can I have a glass of white wine?

Parker:Drink our juice.

Sophie: What? We have to?

Parker: Yes, please

Sophie: Cheers

[Both take a sip of the beer]

Nate: Uh, it's very, uh, interesting.

Hardison: It's good right?

[Eliot drinks and spits it back]

Hardison: Hey, I saw that.

Elliot: You kidding me with this, man? You can't serve this to people.

Hardison: I'm...serving it to everybody.

Elliot: They'll shut you down before you even get started.

Hardison: That is amazing

Elliot: You can't learn how to make beer online. You have to go to a brewery.

Hardison: I went to a brewery, and they gave me books

Sophie: It's his first one.

Nate: Are you sure it's finished?

Hardison: It's very finished. Been fermenting for, like, 24 hours

Hardison: I don't like lying to them, Nate. Especially Parker.

Nate: It's for the best. Everything set?

Hardison: Almost. Locking in the money right now. You sure about this?

Nate: All good things come to an end, Hardison. And by the way...thank you.

Nate: No you didn't. No, not the Stanley Cup. No. I saw it last year in Boston.

Sophie: No, that was a fake.

Nate: It wasn't a fake

Sophie: And not a very good one, no, no, no, sorry. My engraver was awful.

Nate: Ok, so where's the real one?

Sophie:[in her con voice] I don't remember.

[later]

Nate: Are you messing with me?

Sophie: When did I ever lie about a grift?

Nate: All right, so tell.... Tell me where it is.

Sophie: Oh. There's Vlad.

[later]

Nate: So, is it, um, someplace warm?

Sophie: I don't remember

Nate: Hm. Is it in Boston?

Sophie: Nate, I don't remember.

Nate: Are you sure it's the Stanley Cup?

Sophie:That I remember.

Nate: Where's the last place you remember having it?

Sophie:[Smiles] I don't remember.

Nate: Tell you what, how about 1,000 bucks a puck?

Pete Rising: So, this isn't just hypothetical?

Nate: Hey, if it makes you nervous...

Pete: I used to play professionally.

Nate: Sure. Europe. Cup of coffee in the NHL, yeah, you played for a minute.

Pete: Cup of coffee, huh? Let's shoot pucks for money.

Nate: You know, money, it's just... It's overrated. Let's make it more interesting. Let's say ten pucks, yeah? If I win, you play my guy, you sign him. And if you win, you can have my boat, my house, my jet, my wife.

Eliot: Bad choices are bad choices. It doesn't matter why you made them. And they tear you apart, from the inside out. And you don't even notice.

Sophie: Someone who cares more about fame than respect, that's for sure.

[As the group is listening to electronic static]

Eliot:[Walking in] Who got the military satellite intercept? You're not supposed to... [Sophie gives him a look] It's a very distinctive static.

[The team is discussing a defense contractor]

Eliot: Yeah, I know those guys. They used to stamp their logo on the side of our attack choppers and we had to sand it off before we-- [Suddenly notices that Nate and Sophie are staring at him] --went fishing. For fish. Yeah.

Nate: We can have the research back in 2 hours. Right Hardison? Hardison?

Hardison: Less. I would actually like to enjoy the rest of my Sunday.

Parker: He wants to get to his online Orc battle.

Parker: I'm going thru the vents. Bet I get there first.

Hardison: No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Parker: Winner gets to choose our next date. Ready- set- go.

Hardison: Wait. I wasn't ready.

Parker: I win. I want to go bungee jumping.

Hardison: We already did that.

Parker: Not off a hot air balloon.

Hardison: I seriously need to win one of these bets.

Sophie: Why would someone dedicate so much time listening to nothing?

Nate: For the hope of what they might hear.

Kanack: Look, all I care about is the signal we received. Do you think you can decipher it? Mr?

Eliot: Riker, Willy Riker. Willy Riker is my full name.

Nate: It's not about the money. It was never about the money. You want your reputation back.

Metz: I appreciate the help. Thanks for trying.

Nate: Let's go steal a close encounter.

[After Metz refuses the check]

Nate: You knew?

Sophie: I listened.

Nate: OK. We need to fix this. We need to give our client back his reputation.

Parker: How do we do that?

Nate: By making Kanack insane.

Hardison:[grinning] And he's back.

Parker: [using E. T.'s voice, poking Eliot] El-i-ot.

Hardison: You know, Fermi's paradox says that it's improbable for other life forms to exist.

Eliot: Yeah? Well, Drake's equation shows that orbiting around the hundred billion stars in our galaxy there's up to ten thousand planets with technological civilization. [Smiles at Hardison who gives him a surprised look] You never know when you might have to fight an alien.

Hardison and Eliot: [singing to a remix of the alien signal] Two good old boys behind the wheel, chasing down bad guys in Lucille. [repeat]

James Kanack: Alfred Wallace created the theory of evolution years before Darwin, but it's Darwin's theory of evolution. Nikola Teslainvented alternating current, but all the power companies are named after Thomas Edison. So why are Darwin and Edison famous, and Tesla and Wallace footnotes? Because history is written by the winners. You get your name on it first, you get it out there the most, and twenty years later, you invented it.

Eliot: [as Riker] You need something that maintains orbital position. You need a geostationary satellite. You got one of those? I don't have one of those.

Eliot: This is wrong. We work outside the law, not smack-dab in the middle of it.

Nate: Relax, Eliot. Elected officials are the easiest marks in the world. Between their ego, the greed, and the politics, more hooks than a bait shop.

Hardison: I already got the Cheerleader Protection Act, HR-505, up for vote in about 20 minutes. Poor bastards won't know what hit them.

Eliot: Right. Assuming it passes.

Hardison: Assuming what? It's a bill to keep high school girls out of wheelchairs. Who's gonna vote against it?

[After the bill is being rejected]

Eliot: You were saying?

Nate: Let's go steal us some congressmen.

Nate: You said you like back-room dealings.

Sophie: I like stealing things that are real. Cash, of course. Land, sure. Art, yes, please. Corn subsidies? Not so much.

Eliot: Yeah, the guy's got integrity. Elected official or not, you can't con an honest man.

Hardison: Are you for real man? You telling me you bought a congressman with a lunch?

Nate: It was a nice lunch

Nate: OK people, let's grift.

Sophie: Corn subsidies, why did it have to be corn subsidies?

Nate: Sophie, where are you?

Sophie: Trying to improve the air quality standards in Massachusetts.

Nate: OK, for corn subsidies?

Sophie:[frustrated] No, to get me the fishery concessions, that I then trade for logging rights, to get me the redistricting deal, that gets me the grant funding, that gets me the solar subsidies, that finally gets me the bloody stinking corn subsidies. I don't know how anything gets down around here. You have to be a grifter to run government.

Nate: Hardison? How you doing?

Hardison: Look, Nate, I'm good with systems. You know that. But this, this system hacks back. I got 7 million dollars sitting right here, set aside for mad cow testing, which nobody uses, because, I mean, you know, nobody wants to know that they got mad cow cows.

Nate: Yeah, so give them to the cheerleaders.

Hardison:[beyond frustrated] I can't, man. There's a law right here that says that there has to be money set aside for mad cow testing, which nobody does! Makes no sense. There's no rhyme, no reason, no... [to himself] It's cool. Don't pop a nerve. Don't pop a nerve. Don't throw a book.

Sophie[to a military official]: So you'll see to it that the Massachusetts gets the contract for the new military personal database. [to a middle eastern man beside him] And you'll see that the land is leased to the general for the new airbase in the Persian Gulf. [they nod] You can shake on that.

Hardison: Okay, 5 million dollars earmarked for vocational training for millers, blacksmiths and haberdashers. By an 1884 statute. [throw down the book] Anybody got a way to legally define cheerleading as haberdashery?

Sophie:[sighing after having just closed yet another deal in her endless goose chase] I'll see what I can do!

Parker: ...while everyone is heeeerrreee. Where's Madison? WHERE IS MADISON? Great, I lost a cheerleader...

[Nate and Parker interrogating Ashley]

Parker: OK, Ashley. Where's Madison?

Ashley: Can I have some water?

Nate: In a minute. Why don't you tell us again, from the top?

Ashley: I don't know where Madison went.

Parker:[loudly] Don't give us that. The girls say you're her best friend. Best friends talk, Angela. Are you gonna talk, huh? Are you? Huh?!

Baran: You underestimated me. People underestimate cheerleaders all the time. I didn't. I saw a niche, and I exploited it. Every girl wants to be a cheerleader. Every girl wants to be pretty. Every girl wants to be popular. And they will pay anything to get it. Cheerleaders built me a $3000 million-a-year company because I didn't underestimate them.

Nate: Hm. You know, I really don't think I underestimated you. In fact, I think I estimated you just...about...Wait for it... [Baran's phone starts ringing] ...right.

Hardison: Oh no, you don't. You swam into my pool now, guppy.

[Flashback]

Sophie: [playing a Congresswoman, using a heavy southern accent] That is a wardrobe malfunction! I can see her hoo-ha! Her HOO-HA, sir! Are you blind? Do I need to call Congressman Kabio or Congressman Greenhill? I will call MY WHOLE ROLODEX, sir!

J.J. LeGrange: Hi. How are you? J.J. LeGrange. [shakes Parker's hand]

Parker: I don't vote.

LeGrange:[chuckles] Oh, you will

Aide: Your tickets ma'am.

Hardison: What was that about?

Sophie: I'm just planning a trip to the Gulf. The Military are breaking ground on Fort Deveraux.

Nate: Good job on this one.

Eliot: I know what you're trying to do Nate. You could have told me how to hook Le Grange the whole time, but you wanted to see if I could figure it out on my own. I trust someday very, very soon, you're going to tell me what kind of game you are playing.

Parker: Nate, he's about to lose his father. Please just go talk to him for me.

Sophie:[giving the briefing] It's 1971, the day before Thanksgiving. A 727 takes off from Portland bound for Seattle. It is hijacked by this man, a passenger who goes by the name of Dan Cooper.

Parker: Wait. I thought his name was D.B. Cooper?

Hardison: That was misheard by a reporter at the scene, and then it was repeated until it became gospel. [To Sophie] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your swooning. Go on and swoon.

Hardison: Sophie, just real quick, you had a poster of D.B. over your bed when you was like, 15. Tell the truth. You did, didn't you?

Sophie: So what? What if I did?

Nate: Peter, any regrets about the case?

Peter: Just one. My boy Todd had a hard time growing up in the shadows of D.B. Cooper.

Peter: It's not a weakness to see the good in people. It's not a flaw or a bad thing to trust.

Peter: You don't have to find D.B. Cooper; he's lost somewhere in the darkness. Just make sure my son doesn't follow him there.

[After hearing Peter McSweeten has died]

Todd: Dad loved his coffee.

Steve Reynolds: Yeah. He'd let it get ice cold and top it off all day long. Drove me crazy.

Parker: What else do you remember about him?

Reynolds: Well, he was a hell of a shot.

Todd: Yeah, but a terrible driver.

Reynolds:[Laughs] That's true. One time, we're in this high-speed chase, and he plows us right into this restaurant dumpster. Plow! What a mess! So we get out of the car, we're looking at the damage, and this girl comes running up to us and says somebody attacked her and that maybe she thought he was the CIA or one of the Russians. She's tripping on acid. She's a runaway. So I'm ready to hand her over to the paramedics. Peter's got her in the back seat of the car. "take us to him," he tells her. We found the guy! He's in the bus station! And the next day, he takes us to the woods where he's buried three other runaways. I say to Peter, "Hey. This girl, she was, she was strung out. She was ranting. I mean, how did you know?" He said, "All I heard...was that she was afraid." So... [lifts a glass] ...here's to Peter McSweeten...who couldn't drive a lick.

Stephanie: Don't do this.

DB Cooper: Why do you care?

Stephanie: I don't know.

Hardison: So, back to square one?

Nate: I prefer back to the drawing board. It's more hopeful.

Nate: You know, there's one thing that I just couldn't...couldn't quite figure out. The kid witness on the plane. Novak. Now , you interviewed him. How'd you fool him?

Reynolds: Well, years of lying taught me one thing. Look someone dead in the eye.

Todd: He's a criminal. He belongs in jail.

Nate: Is that what you really want?

Todd: Yes, it's what my father wanted more than anything in the world - to bring D.B. Cooper to justice.

Nate: Todd, your dad had a gift, I believe he passed on to you. He could see goodness in people. And because of that, he did bring D.B. Cooper to justice.

Nate: You did the right thing.

Todd: Think my father knew?

Nate: Here's the thing. Peter McSweeten knew Steve Reynolds was a man that deserved a second chance. I mean is that enough?

Todd: I wanted to thank you [slides father's book to him].

Nate: No, no, no, I can't take that.

Todd: My father went on an Odyssey for over 40 years, you ended it. I know he would want you to have it.

Nate: If you could choose someone from The Odyssey that most resembles me, who would it be?

Hardison: WitSec is like the ninth circle of hell for guys like him. Like us! I mean Nate, do you think you could just go back to being John Q. and not go insane if you had to give it all up?

Nate: Sure, maybe. Maybe not. Really I don't think beyond the job that's right in front of us. I don't have the luxury to think beyond that, so...

Sophie: Really?

Nate: Hmmm?

Sophie: That's the best you got?

Sophie: Erickson's in the witness protection program? How did he rate that?

Hardison: Well, I don't have all the information just yet, but it looks like, in addition to the stock scam, he's been laundering money for the Mafia, including Don Paolo Brancato, the head of the New York Mafia.

Eliot: Erickson doesn't strike me as a mob guy.

Nate: Because he's not. No, he establishes mob ties as a get-out-of-jail-free card. So, if the day ever comes that the SEC discovers his stock fraud...

Parker: He'll trade his mob records for immunity and a new identity. Sweet!

[Sophie and Eliot give her a look]

Parker: I mean, evil. And clever, but bad.

Sophie: I don't like that, that whole smug look on his [Erickson's] face.

Nate: How can a witness in protection we've been watching for the last 24 hours get access to $100,000 we didn't see?

Eliot:[As he's digging a hole] After sunset, this field is gonna be completely dark. No clear sight lines from the road. First thing to find a body out here would be a coyote-

Sophie: OK. Now I'm scared.

Eliot: I'm here.

Sophie: Eliot, you're what's scaring me.

Erickson: How did...how did you find me?

Don Paolo Brancato: You called our mutual friend, Charlie.

Federal Marshal Elle: You are an idiot.

Erickson: Shut up.

Brancato: Granted, that only got us to Portland. But then, when we traced your phone, seems you left your GPS tracking on.

Elle: All right, that one's on me.

Hardison: You mean we gotta drive through a gunfight and not get shot like it's the Batmobile?

Nate: Marshall, I know you're upset but you can't really blame him for something that happened yesterday. The past is the past. You can't blame him for something that happened 20 minutes ago, 2 minutes ago. What you need to be thinking about is what's going to happen next.

Sophie: [listening on the comms] Could somebody record this? I want a record of this!

Nate: There is one other thing I'd ask of you, and that is that you or any of your associates leave Erickson alone in prison.

Brancato: Out of the question. I need Erickson dead.

Nate: Well, no. No, you just need his quiet, really. He was picked up by the police. His marshal's gone rogue. He's losing his immunity as we speak. He's gonna stand trial for his financial infractions and go to jail for a very long time. Let him live and enjoy it.

Brancato: You know, my organization, in its original and purest form, was law enforcement. Neighborhoods where the police didn't have the ability to enforce the law.

Nate: There was a purpose. They were trying to build something.

Brancato: We lost sight of that.

Nate: Well, we can all be better, huh?

Hardison: Now, let me just roll this back for a second, Nate. You knew that that Mussolini car would drive Erickson crazy. So crazy that he would call his old car contact, access secret bank accounts, turn on his marshal babysitter, and almost get taken out by the mob guys that he planned to testify against?

Nate: Mm.

Hardison: That's like five different things nobody could have ever known would happen.

Hardison: Baby, love, kisses, snuggles, and other romantic verbs. Take your pills, be nice to Amy, We will be fine without you.

Parker: That's what I am afraid of.

Amy: Good morning. How's the patient feeling today?

Parker: Less and less like a patient and more and more like a prisoner.

Amy: Oh. Well, hopefully, this will taste better than prison food.

Parker: You'd be surprised. Best meal I ever has was in French prison.

Amy: French prison, huh? How long were you in for?

Parker:[In French] Not as long as they thought I'd be.

Parker: [to her "Get Well" teddy bear] Oh what you want to choose? Okay fine. But no 'B. J. and the Bear' and no reality dating shows. Except 'Beauty and the Geek' I like that one. What you're gonna sulk now? Okay fine. I'm just gonna keep choosing then.

Parker: [dubbing the surveillance feeds from the pub] "If you leave that seat up one more time I'll just scream!" "Baby, sometimes I worry I'm just too much of a man for the world. And for you." "My mother warned me about you." "What you don't know about your mother is... she leaves the seat up too!"

Parker: You guys picked the wrong brew pub.

Eliot: How's the knee?

Parker: Driving me to crazy town. Pretty much like it's on cruise control, cruising me through crazy town. And you know what? Let's face it. I have way too much to do. This knee, I need to be on a bullet train through crazy town. I don't have time to stop for gas, go to the museum-

Eliot: Parker, breathe. Identify you limitations. Turn them to advantages.

Parker: OK, good. How do I do that?

Eliot: Adapt.

Parker: You brought a gun? To my bar?

Amy: They have a gun. We don't stop them. We call the police.

Parker: No cops. No cops. That will actually increase the chances of people getting hurt.

Amy: How?

Parker: Because seeing a uniform in the middle of stealing something could cause you to panic, make bad decisions.

Parker: Well, good news is, they're properly flummoxed. But bad news is, we have to wait 24 hours till we got to do it again.

Amy: Wait a second. You didn't say anything about them coming back.

Parker: Well, of course we want them to come back. How else are we gonna catch them?

Amy: We- we don't. We're gonna call the cops.

Parker: Normally, I would agree with you, but what we've been doing here... Not super legal.

Amy: Oh, I knew it!

Parker: Just think of it as more charity work.

Amy: OK, but my other charity work doesn't involve having a gun pointed at me.

Parker: Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Oh, you meant that as a bad thing.

Parker: Look, these guys aren't that good, which is actually another reason why we should do this, 'cause sooner or later, they're gonna make a mistake. Someone's gonna get hurt. Look, if we don't catch them, we're letting that happen.

[As the kidnappers are being arrested]

Parker: Hey. Hey, wait.

Kidnapper: What?

Parker: I'm gloating.

Parker: She would have been very proud of how you stepped up yesterday and saved that police officer.

Parker: To new friends, new food, and no fish.

Amy/Doctor/Parker: No fish.

Eliot: Can't believe that snow monkey didn't bite you.

Hardison: Told you, man, we connected.

Eliot: No, he hated you.

Sophie: I think you're thinking of Emperor Akihito and you.

Eliot: He didn't hate me. He just...didn't want me around his granddaughter.

Nate: Shocking.

Hardison: You know, I don't believe you. And you [Amy], you're a part of this. See this, all this? It's not just any zombie move. This is theoriginal zombie movie. Babe, it's on Blu-ray. How is it possible to be bored? You know what we're gonna do? We're watching this from the beginning, because obviously, you doing something wrong.

Colonel Vance: I just do the same thing with my teams. I throw together the right team for each different threat, while the CIA is still filing out the paperwork.

Rep. J. Caballo: The committee finds you and all your operations in violation of the Interagency Security Act.

Rep. J. Yount: And therefore illegal under federal law. You slap together another one of your little "asymmetry teams" from federal agent, Colonel Vance, you and everybody around you is out of a job, and in jail. These "slow, giant" agencies you mock, were designed by very smart people.

Vance: So was the Titanic.

Eliot: Cameras good?

Hardison: Good for two minutes.

[Parker drops down from the ceiling]

Parker: Two minutes for a Kerensky 217 with motion sensors? Thanks.

Hardison: Kiss for luck?

Parker: Who needs luck?

Eliot: How'd you get this number, Riley?

Riley: Hitter like you comes back to DC and...buzz-buzz. Hell, three foreign presidents choppered out of the city when they heard you were around.

Eliot: What do you want?

Riley: I got a job for you. Right here in town, got to be this morning.

Riley:[As Eliot walks in] A lot of guys, this is the last thing they ever see. Isn't mine, is it?

Eliot: I already told you I ain't in the game anymore. But I can't let this go down, so I'm gonna need to see that file.

Riley: Why'd you quit, anyway? [presses a concealed alarm button]

Eliot: Started running with some different people...

[Riley repeatedly presses the button]

Eliot: ...like a hacker...

[Hardison walks in. Riley pulls out a gun and shoots, but the gun clicks emptily]

Eliot: ...and a thief.

[From behind, Parker taps on Riley's head]

Parker: Click. [drops a bullet and the cartridge on the desk]

Eliot: I'm gonna keep her alive. You guys find a way to get her out of here.

Hardison: With what?

Eliot: You stole a Michelangelo with tin foil and chewing gum! Figure it out!

[As the police sirens approach]

Eliot: Hang on.

Parker: Um, no. Cops, bad. Thieves, go.

[Eliot, Hardison, and Parker are handcuffed in the back of a government van.]

Hardison: This is a violation of my constitutional rights.

Colonel Vance: You're Alec Hardison. You cracked the Pentagon servers when you were twelve. NSA has a file on you a mile long.

Hardison: Do they? What do they say about me? I hope they gave me a cool nickname.

[After Vance tells them about the terrorist attack.]

Hardison: You're talking about stopping a terrorist attack in an afternoon! We'd need all your intel!

Vance: The truck back at the crime scene; It's an NSA Mobile Response Intelligence Unit.

Hardison: [Excitedly] With a Snear Cryptography System and a Jade-M Satellite Uplink?

[Vance looks at Hardison, surprised]

Hardison: That I know nothing about because that would be treason and wrong... You for real?

Vance: Make it look good.

[Eliot punches him, but Vance shrugs it off]

Vance: Really? That's all you-

[Eliot punches him again, but Vance shrugs it off again]

Vance: You're slowing down in your-

Eliot punches him a third time and Vance finally falls unconscious.]

Hardison: Three tries? Damn.

Eliot: He didn't always wear a suit.

[As Eliot and Hardison work a con on a federal officer to take the truck]

Hardison: Boom, another gigabyte gone.

Officer: No, I can't let you in the truck...

Hardison: A gigabyte gone. Your job, gone.

Officer: ...Security clearances.

Eliot: Look, what are we, terrorists? OK, that was my plan was to come here, show you a real badge that I somehow got, and then bring somebody crazy to break into a secure vehicle? We're gonna move this down the block. He's gonna spend about an hour doing spot-checks on databases. I showed you my badge. Man, here, take my badge. [Tosses the officer the badge] Call it in. I got to deal with this guy!

Parker: Where do we start?

Eliot: We start with getting you two on a plane out of here. You didn't sign up for this. Trust me.

Hardison: And you? You're going to handle this by yourself? Come on, she's a lady, man. She needs the right touch. What you gonna do with your big punching hands, punch the screens? No.

Eliot: Look up the Navy SEAL database, enlisted from '90 to '95. [Hardison turns to him] It's his watch. Steel-brushed chronometers were standard SEAL issue, until they switched to the carbon black divers' watch in '95. It's a very distinctive watch.

Hardison: Hey, we're thieves, man. And we're good at what we do, but this is way, way out of our league. And you expect us to go catch some psycho with a city killer? A country killer?

Eliot: You scared?

Hardison: You're damn right!

Eliot: I'm not. I got the best thief and the smartest guy I know chasing this guy.

[Hardison turns away, and Eliot pulls him back.]

Eliot: Hey. Listen to me. You're the smartest guy I've ever known, Hardison. I need that brain to get me to him. 'Cause you know if I lay my hands on him, it's done. Get me to him.

Hardison: It's got every database...NSA, CIA, FBI, it's got hard backdoors into most commercial systems, live feeds into every security camera on the grid; man, if this wasn't such a gross violation of our civil liberties, I would be in love right now!

Hardison: Call up the NSA satellites.

Spy Truck: Calling up NSA Satellites.

Hardison: Thank you, creepy spy truck.

[Vance's response on finding the trailer.]

Vance: There's a time for sneaking around, my brother, and a time for droppin' an attack chopper full of pissed-off 19-year-olds in full body armor on somebody. And we have reached that appointed hour.

Sterling:[to Sophie] It's always nice to bring a thief to justice, even if it's not you.

Nate: Sterling is sitting right on top of Ma Mystere.

Sophie: Are you telling me you can't outsmart Sterling?

Nate: I can't. But he can't outsmart me, either.

Butler: I'm sorry, what are you doing in my room?

Sophie: So, the butler did it.

Sterling: So let me get this straight. You stole not one, but two paintings, one of which you spent the entire day trying to convince me you did not steal, all because your girlfriend here, an unrepentant, inveterate, professional liar...

Sophie: That's uncalled for.

Nate: Well.

Sterling: ...told you, with no evidence whatsoever, that Ma Mystere was fake. Now you're so sure that she's right, that you not only think that this painting is a fake, but every other Mettier that was in the house, the entire collection, is also fake?

Nate: That's right.

Sterling: Arrest them both.

Sophie: On what charge?

Sterling: Theft?

Nate: We brought you back the paintings.

Sterling: Obstructing an investigation.

Sophie: We're helping you with your investigation.

Sterling: Being annoying and crazy!

Nate: Well, that's not a crime. Since when was that a crime?

Sophie: No, it's not.

Sterling: I DON'T CARE!

Sterling: Hey! I don't suppose anyone here spent the last few years singularly replacing every Metier in the house with forgeries when no one was looking.

Nate: Very slick interrogation [the curator takes off running].

Sterling: I didn't think that would work.

Sophie: Uh, she's getting away.

Sterling: I didn't think that would work!

Sterling: And despite your efforts to drop off the map, I now know your new base of operations. Everything is sunshine and rainbows.

[After finding the true Ma Mystere]

Sophie: He vowed it would never be seen by the world till after my death.

Sophie: No, I nudge people into doing something they already want to do. I tempt them here and there. I help them access their greed. But no, no. This is different.

Nate: I- I don’t see how.

Sophie: Because you're all plans and clockworks. This con is unpredictable. It can break a mark. It can break a grifter. It can break a team.

Nate: So, I mean, the only way we're gonna flip this guy, right, is if we get him to stop being guilty about her.

Sophie: Right. Come with me, young lady.

Parker: No.

Sophie: It's makeover time.

Parker: Oh, no, no, no, no. no.

Sophie: It's makeover time.

Sophie: What the hell are you doing?

Hardison:[With a wrench in hand] I'm hacking.

Sophie: Well, stop it! Just...step back

Hardison: She's [Parker] on the roof with the guy we just spent the last four days driving crazy

Dodgson: Am I dreaming now or was I dream then?

Parker: Which answer gets you down here with me?

[After pulling Charles over from the ledge]

Parker: I'm not Patience! Patience is dead, OK?! She's dead, and it sucks, and that's the way it is! But you're alive! You're here!

Charles: You don't... You don't understand. She was the only one who... I'm alone.

Parker: I don't understand? I had somebody. I lost someone once, OK? And I thought I was alone, too. But you know what? I wasn't. People though I was crazy, but I never was. I never was and neither are you. And you're not alone. Your own people sent us because they care about you.

Hardison: What the problem with getting emotionally butt naked? I'm just trying to share my feelings.

Nate: We don't want to see that.

Eliot: You realize that without that safety study, we got nothing.

Nate: Yeah.

Eliot: So why'd you promise him that?

Nate: Because we are not gonna let that toy get released. We're gonna steal Christmas.

[When Parker comes back with a different toy than planned]

Hardison: Who in the hell would give this thing to a child?

Parker: It's not a thing. It is a doll, and kids love dolls.

Hardison: It ain't no doll. That's some old, voodoo witchcraft, and I don't want it up in Lucille.

Parker: What if I said that about the flashy kicks you've been giving me lately?

Hardison: Hey, they are awesome. They make you shiny and fast. OK, this thing, no kid should even be subjected to...ever.

Nate: We can't con a 6-year-old. You know who we can con? Their parents.

Nate: OK, so, Hardison, you get on that lecture thing. Eliot, you get on the mommies.

Hardison: And he doesn't mean that literally.

Eliot: That joke is never funny.

Hardison: It's always funny.

Eliot: No, it's not, Hardison. Comedy's about timing and you don't have it!

Parker: Isn't this...I don't know. Wrong. Messing with Christmas presents, playing with parents' fears? I mean, don't you feel just a little bit guilty given the holiday?

Nate: No.

Parker: I do.

Nate: Why?

Parker: Because.

Nate: Parker, why is it that people give each other Christmas presents?

Parker: To be nice.

Nate: No, because they're being programmed by these giant corporations that do all this research to figure out how to push these psychological buttons in people to make them get these presents, right? Make no mistake, what we're doing is we're manipulating fears and making these toys. All of it. This, this...is Christmas.

Hardison: I was talking to Parker, and, I mean, we're a little down about Christmas. We think...we're...kind of ruining the holiday or something.

Nate: Hardison, Christmas was pre-ruined. You know how it began?

Sophie:[gasping] No.

Hardison: Yeah, it was a fat guy in a chimney.

Nate: Christmas began as a pagan, pre-Roman feast involving the sacrifice of children. Ho-ho-ho. [walks away]

Hardison: Is he serious?

[Sophie shrugs]

Hardison: I mean, dang, I feel like I just got sucker-punched by an elf-hating, scrooge-loving, no-gift-giving anti-Claus. I mean, am I bleeding?

Sophie: Little bit.

Eliot: Promise me those things will never hit toy shelves.

Parker: Neah, I'm keeping him all to myself. I've got them all lined up in my warehouse like an army of joy and rage.

Parker: It's just that this is the kind of mastermind stuff you usually go off and do by yourself, you know? Well, you and your bottle. But lately, you've been involving me in the planning. And not just the heist, the cons, too.

Nate: Parker, you know, you don't let feelings get in the way. You... You rotate problems, security, people, timelines. You spin them in the three-dimensional space, like puzzle piece until they click. It's not the way I think, but... I trust your judgment. I really do.

[As Parker swings to the other building]

Hardison: Twenty pounds of crazy

Eliot: Five pound bag

Hardison: Did Eliot make it out?

Eliot:[choking on blood] Age of the geek, brother.

Nate: For five years I've been, I've been...

Hardison: Drunk.

Parker: Lying.

Elliot: Utter bastard.

[As Nate is explaining the history of the black book]

Nate: Now, you think I'm a thief, Agent Casey? One-third of the entire world's wealth disappeared then. Biggest heist in history. And we know who did it.

Sterling: We decided not to prosecute. Order had to be restored.

Nate: That's why you joined INTERPOL? Screw justice? You're the order guy?

Sterling: It's not a choice.

Nate: It is. Justice or order. One day, you are going to have to make that choice.

Sterling: That's why you moved to Portland. Could have picked anywhere else in the world, and you chose here.

Nate: It grows on you.

Sterling: What you were doing, back in the room, where did you learn to act like that?

Nate: Sophie. She really helped me. She's directing now. She found her calling.

Sterling: I've seen Sophie Devereaux play a dozen people.... drunk.

Sterling: Nathan, you and I are not the same. We don't believe in the same things.

Hardison: There it is, man. The Holy Grail.

Parker: A thousand bad guys.

Elliot: A lot of revenge in there. Just waiting on a righteous man to take a swing.

Nate: That man's not going to be me. We're out. Done.

Sophie: We?

Nate: Well that depends on what, on what you say next, of course.

Nate: You've always had my back. Now will you be on my side?

Sophie: [about the ring] Did you steal it?

Nate: No!

Sophie: Because that would be more romantic, right, Parker?

Nate: Will you marry me, Laura?

Sophie: Yes. Yes.

Nate: So, the hard drive. Everything thing you need is right there.

Hardison: You know what. I'm going to dump this on the dark net.

Parker: Every crew from around the world will want in with us.

Hardison: Just think about it. Leverage International.

Parker: So, you're really going?

Sophie: How does that make you feel?

Parker: I think I'm ok with it. Yeah, I'm ok with it.

Nate: That's why we can go.

Nate: [to Hardison] You're the smartest man I know. Don't get cocky.

Hardison: Too late for that.

Nate: Elliot, I'd say, call if you need anything, but you never seem to need anything.

Elliot: Yeah, I did. Thanks to you, I don't have to search anymore.

Sophie: Promise me, you'll keep them safe.

Elliot: Till my dying day.

Elliot: You know this was your crusade. Now this is our war.

[last lines; the team is interviewing two grieving parents who want revenge on the company that killed their son]

Parker: People like that... corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide... Leverage.