The Little (Sexist) Things

Sexism is often not a conscious thing. It would be so much easier to counter if it was always a case of asking people to stop doing something they are aware they are doing. I tend not to experience the overt sexism. No one whistles or shouts at me in the street. I’m occasionally mistaken for a man but it’s an honest mistake and they’re usually more upset about it than I am. The stuff I experience is a dull frustrating drag of people not noticing. I often have to decide if I’m the one who brings up that subject again. I need to find ways to make sure that women around me get an equal chance to have their say without being the one that brought that subject up again. Or more importantly without derailing the entire conversation. It’s a conversation we need to have.

Except I don’t think I’m the one bringing up sexism. The people bringing it up are the ones who talk over someone else. The ones who are so caught up in their own thoughts that they don’t realise someone else is trying to contribute, and the ones who’ve already dismissed that persons contribution without taking the time to hear it. The sexism that drives me from places is the sort of thing that the people doing it won’t even notice. They won’t be looking for it so it’s not something they’re ever going to see.

I know I get it wrong. I was brought up in this culture as well. I try and pay attention to the quiet spoken-over voice and I feel glad when I manage to get someone to wait and to listen.

There are people I don’t want to be near or to talk with. I find conversations with them exhausting because I have to talk through them. I have to hold my ground and shut them up so that they will listen to the end of my sentence. Group conversations are a nightmare. I get bored and people get annoyed because I’m not listening, but they won’t listen to me. It is exhausting and frustrating. It’s a bad thing in a hobby I enjoy. It won’t stop me doing LRP, but if I wasn’t so tied in to it it might stop me trying it in the first place.

It’s also about assumptions. People assume things about me, in the same way they assume things about everyone. They assume they know more than me. They assume that I’m not fully involved in Mandala. They assume that I’m not a competent person with useful skills, and sometimes it just feels easier not to fight for the right to do things myself. People are happiest when they’re engaged and useful. Sometimes people won’t let me do the things that make me happy because they assume I wouldn’t know how to do them.

I’ve had random people try to induct me to the workings of the monster tent at Empire at every event this year. I don’t know if I look especially lost or confused, but usually it happens when I’m in the middle of getting things rearranged so the tent will actually work properly. I don’t think of this as a time where I look particularly new and incompetent. It’s in fact one of the few times when I know I’m absolutely right about what I’m doing. I know fundamentally why I need to make those changes. Perhaps I just don’t have a memorable face.

It’s the Mandala assumptions hurt the most. It’s something I’m extraordinarily proud of. I can do everything we do there. It’s a business that I have run and developed and I know and understand it’s inner workings. It’s my place. The rest of my team know and value my opinion. Strangers talk about the Mandala boys and it is a smack in the face. Then people suggest that there isn’t sexism in LRP because it’s written down that women can be generals and they’re utterly missing the point. Grand gestures help, but being aware of the small things would make a massive difference to me. I love that the rules say that I have the right to be who I want to be, but some people still discount my opinion before they’ve heard it and they don’t even notice they’ve done it.

The big things are a problem. They’re an easier problem to see, to acknowledge and to counter. The people doing those things know they’re doing them and are choosing to cause those problems for people. The small things are also a problem. They’re a problem that’s clouded by probability, by experience (everyone has experienced all the things I’ve mentioned. They’re far more constant for most women). They’re not easy to address. When you tell people about these things they won’t be sure if they’ve done it. They might feel defensive because they don’t consider themselves bad people. They’re not bad people. They’re likely to be victims themselves. The little things are an endless source of frustration for people aware of them and are constant disenfranchisement for those that haven’t even noticed it’s happened. They matter. They really matter. They’re a huge part of the problem.

I spend most of my free time involved in LRP in one way or another. I part own and run Mandala Studios in Coventry and have been running games through them for 5 or 6 years. I also crew Empire LRP. I have catered a variety of events and banquets and the events I run are a mix of genres (SciFi, Fantasy and stupid - next year I'm running a dinosaur event).

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Talking over someone isn’t sex ism it is rude but happens to both genders as I have experienced regularly

Leah Tardivel

You’re right, and being paid less than other people isn’t sexism either, that happens to both genders. Everyone has been expected to do housework, and been given toys that aren’t appropriate for them. We’ve all been judged for what we wear, for how we talk… The thing that makes it part of sexism is that it happens disproportionately to women and hence magnifies a gender inbalance. Sometimes it’s not sexist (and then it’s just a thing we really shouldn’t do because it’s rude) but sometimes it is.

Marion

I just want to make a reminder that people are different, and there are many different reasons why one acts like one do.

My husband was cut of mid sentence once by a woman once, and accused for being sexist because he had managed to start talk before she was finished.
I don’t doubt that it happened, because he tend to do that to both men and women. Just as I don’t doubt when he told me she did exactly the same. She also tend to do that to both men and women.
Even though I know he cut her of and probably did not leave a lot of room for her to talk I stilll react on the accusations. Because my husband has adhd, and for him hyper focus, hyper verbality, and distraction is some of the things that follow that diagnosis. So when he is engaged in a topic he loves, its very hard for him to stop, and to pick up on social signs that other people would do.

I do remind my husband about the issue from time to time. Sometimes gently, other times angry because he ruined my conversation. A diagnosis does not mean you can’t try to better, and I dont mind other people making him aware about the problem.
But being accused for sexism on an issue that relates to your neurological diagnosis is harsh.

I acknowledge that this is also a sexist issue. But you can’t always see what people struggle with during theire long monologue.

Leah Tardivel

In my case I wouldn’t label someone sexist for it. I’ve just gone with it and I’ve interrupted to stop people so someone else can talk before. I’ve also just left the conversation.

The cumulative effect is a sexist issue and we kind of need to be in a place where drawing attention to it is an “Oh yeah, sorry” moment rather than something people get defensive about. Which is, I suspect, what I was trying to say when I said that interrupting makes me the one that drew attention to it which leaves everyone feeling bad. I like conversations. I don’t want it to continue with either side feeling they can’t contribute or dwelling on it, and I do have friends that interrupt everyone.