Burnt offerings

‘e-cigs’ – 2014, my day off

I don’t espouse this view often as in my cynicism I’m wary of announcing my enthusiasm for, well, anything really. Penicillin? Pfft, fad. But it really feels like people were dumb not to predict electronic cigarettes. I mean, vaping weed has been around since the first cavemen knocked the filament out of a lightbulb and cooked their bud in it, chortling away to Simpsons re-runs on their TVs that were made of rocks or wherever this tortured aphorism is going. So when I watch sci-fi now and I see people lighting up cigarettes it just feels antiquated. Blade Runner’s allowed, it’s the exception; you can’t have noir without cigs. But remember the chat they have about this in Thank You For Smoking? It’s like they aaaaalmost got there but stopped just before the tape.

I’m a big fan of them. I kind of have to be because selling them is part of my job, but yeah, it pretty much replaced smoking tobacco for me entirely. Sure, it’s newly emerging tech and most of it seems to be coming out of China, so we just don’t know what they’re doing to us yet, but I figure it can’t be worse than lung cancer? I’ll post my humble retraction the day I contract the ebola virus from mine.

But people are weird about it, non-smokers especially. The way people talk to me when they say “Oh well you haven’t REALLY quit, have you? You’re just addicted to that now!” just drips of smug superiority. I mean, I had and still have no intention of giving up my nicotine addiction, good CHRIST do I love me some nicotine, but I have managed to remove pretty much everything harmful from the practice of feeding my hunger for baccy-based treats, so why the hate? Maybe they just don’t like that I’m making the room smell of strawberries, to which I reply: go fuck yourself, you KNOW banning smokes in pubs was a mistake, now everything smells of stale beer and toilets. If I can make a small difference with my vanilla/cherry oil mix then by god I will.

I’d ride my own dick a bit about my ability to sell them, but to be perfectly honest they sort of sell themselves. I just explain the supposed health benefits, point out the variety of flavours and customisation options and then drop the bombshell about the ultimate price: I spend maybe £6.99 every couple weeks buying a new bottle of tobacco oil. Compare that to the £4.50 or so I used to spend every two DAYS when I was smoking roll-ups and it pays for itself pretty soon. That’s usually the clincher, you see this light go on behind their eyes, ears twitch, etc. For some reason they don’t switch on like that when you talk about trivial shit like not getting cancer.

While we’re on the subject of vaporisation: if you smoke weed you should REALLY think about investing in a vape. I know the prices seem a little daunting right now, it’s an industry which is still pretty young, but you can get a really nice piece like the Magic Flight Launch Box without having to break triple-figures. Vaping is a very different experience to smoking your bed. Best way to put it is like this: when I smoke a joint, I’m stoned. When I use my vape, I’m high. Vaping leaves you giggly, curious, full of energy and up for adventure. Add to that the health benefits of not inhaling combusted plant matter and the fact that the dry, brown vaped remnants can be EATEN (yes) for decent effect, and it’s a bit of a no brainer.

Seriously, if you’re curious, google the lightbulb-vape-method and give it a whirl. Just don’t touch the glass while or after you’re heating it, that welt took a while to go down.