I hope you are not at this again. I saw the effects of it last time, and I pray that you have the sense to not make the same poor decisions. You are such an amazing, smart, beautiful, sweet person, and it kills me to see you make such bad choices.

These days I am calm, moods are even; I am enjoying a new lease on health and growth. I tell you this in case any assurance is needed that I am not angry with anyone, or upset.

It's just that recently, and now, I have no idea what I am doing in the church. I have no idea why I am there.

I cannot see where to grow, or how; no direction is clear to me. As long as I have tried, I cannot take as literal truth the basis of Christianity as outlined in the Nicene Creed. I have stood with everyone else when we say it, but I have not said it for weeks.

I used to be able to make some sort of peace with everything - but finally reached a crisis, in the Greek sense. Things I always heard without listening now grate on me. The Eucharist no longer makes sense. When it was my turn to read the readings for the day, I used to feel warm, eager to communicate what the original writer might have meant, to make the words real.

The last time I read, I felt dry. I just spoke the words.

The music...having worked occasionally as a music director in the past, I know that ensemble voices must blend, and that my voice does not work with the other singers in that capacity. I settled for being a team member, with J and A bringing in their keyboard so I could provide extra instrumentation.

I miss singing tremendously. I note I said "I settled". Settling for and true acceptance are not the same thing to me.

What grates me here is how often the word "I" is used. Egocentric. I know I am loved there by many, and I am breaking into tears as I write this.

But I don't have any reason or purpose there any more. I feel detached, distant, unaffected.

G, the only reason I write to you about this is because I have known you a long while. I know I don't need "permission" or anything like that.

I have been through a lot of change, all good, and I am taking an indefinite break from A.S.C. I have to.

If by some chance you are baffled by this, I can only assure you that I am the same. So many things in my life from the past 10 years just do not fit any more.

Dear D,

I miss you, my dear English friend...!
It's been a long time since I heard anything from you...
I wish you would renew contact with me, I really do.........
I will be in London end of June, and will go to Wimbledon; I will be alone all day on the 28th........, so if you're ready for it??

Dear B.,
You missed Nurses' Week and I am hurt. I expected a card. Shame on me for failing to lower my expectations based on my past experiences. And no, I'm not interested in why the guy you're dating stayed overnight.

Signed,
Your confused friend

I've been Boo'd... right off the stage!

Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!

"That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

Here's an opportunity to vent a bit about the hurt that you caused me quite a number of years ago that continues to surface unexpectedly. I think it was because you could never explain why you did what you did. I can rationalize it and give a logical explanation, but it was such very bad timing as well, happening in the middle of my brother's passing. It was VERY selfish and hurtful. I try to let it go and not think about it anymore, but it comes up, bubbling up like muck in a lake and I have to deal with the feelings all over again. We have discussed it, and you probably think it's been laid to rest. I don't want to beat a dead horse - there's no sense in it. I will have to learn to live with the wound and wait for it to scar over. It damaged my trust - not a good thing for someone who has such a very hard time trusting - and I struggle with that still. Oddly, I do trust you, but there's a duplicity of feeling that I cannot explain. And since then you have been a good and loyal friend, your love is evident. Again, it was the timing. . .when I needed the rest of my world to be solid while my brother slipped away breath by breath and got slick liquid beneath my feet instead.

It reared it's ugly head again last night and when I saw this post today I realized it was a chance to write it out and take a look at it. In the greater scheme of things, 6 years is not a long time and that hurt is connected very closely with the pain of losing my brother. I love you. . .I forgive you. . .now I will keep moving on, one step at a time. But you will never understand just how much you hurt me that one time. It was enough hurt to last a lifetime.

When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain

You really are a brat, aren't you? Amazing. . . No one is allowed to get angry or annoyed but you. And you always take someone else's annoyance or anger and turn it around so that they end up apologizing to you. An incredible talent you have there. But perhaps you can market it somewhere else cause I don't want it 'round here.

Thanks
C.

When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain

You really are a brat, aren't you? Amazing. . . No one is allowed to get angry or annoyed but you. And you always take someone else's annoyance or anger and turn it around so that they end up apologizing to you. An incredible talent you have there. But perhaps you can market it somewhere else cause I don't want it 'round here.

Thanks
C.

OK, OK so you've redeemed yourself. Guess we are making progress

When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain