I'm late. I went to the River City Diner with my wife and my son. I had the chicken fried steak so I'm excited/saddened about the horrendous fate of the faithful yet brave terlit. Ugh, I wouldn't be surprised if the massive lard residue doesn't squeeze out of the corner of my eyes as if I were a living fuzzy pumper barber shop. Also, for those who like to track these things, my legs still hurt from standing up for five hours at the mighty HIGH ON FIRE show last night. I am whiny and incontinent, just like you love me. Let's watch some shitty American wrestling, shall we? I love you.

WHAT WORKED-

- JBL allows us.... to live... VICARIOUSLY... through him. I... I..... I'm scared that I have..... to live vicariously through.... him soaping up Danny Basham's.......... ass cheeks in the locker room shower. And I vicariously.... now believe.... he is.... no... prima donna. Angle comes out and- what?- he's a face suddenly? Teddy Long shows up and I realize that I didn't actually miss anything by being ten minutes late. Hey, Angle vs JBL. That could be fun. Random yet fun.

- Billy Kidman and Akio wrestle Rey Rey and RVD. Misterio and Van Dam have the belts! Kidman isn't wearing the jacket so this is less than what it could have been. They do a 94 step lucha sequence that is just waaay fun. Akio with the sleeper and Rey gets the crowd behind him. Rey counters with a wacky facebuster thingy. RVD tags in- THUS the crystal meth coursing through the editor kicks in and it's Offenso-Edit-TastiXXX~! Akio bumps like a freak and Kidman kills RVD with a RYYYYYDEEEEN bomb. Kidman goes for the Shooting Star Press but RVD cuts him off and Rey forces Akio to be Fuerza Guerrera and take the rana on the floor while RVD crushes Kidman with a Frog Splash for three. It was some kind of wrestling. Yeah, buddy.

- Heidenreich hates Cole again. Heidenreich is crazy! Heidenreich grabs Cole's chair and steps into the ring! He punches a hole in the seat of the chair and pulls down his tights and hops on the chair and starts blowing poo out of his buttocks onto the mat. As he is doing this, he reads from Betty Crocker's Slow Cooker Cook Book. "Baste my buttocks in a lemony bernaise sauce. Baste it. BASTE IT! Brush the garlic butter on my shameful parts. My shameful parts. SHAMEFUL! Tenderize my nipples with....."

- JBL as the chickenhawk was fucking GOLD. When they get to the airport to go to Iraq, JBL should drop out and Al Franken- who is a MAN and has gone to Iraq twice to entertain the troops already- should fill in and win the belt with his SHOOT MOVES that he used on that LaRouchian heckler. That would fucking rule. It's about bringing the country together.....

- They show the Cena match from ARMAGEDDON! Jesus is busted open! Did they explain why it goes to black and white? Jesus is a game ninth rateCactus Jack to Cena's eighth rate Sting in this- as this has enough stiff strikes to make it kinda watchable.

- JBL wrestles Angle. The terciary divas roll on the ground showing off their tiny thongs and I don't think they are over enough for anyone to actually masturbate to it. I KID! Every pimply faced 32 year old Cheeto-smelling virgin in America masturbated to the pathetic sight of leathery strippers rolling around on the ground! HAHA! Ah wrestling....... it's so motherfucking pathetic and annoying. Angle and JBL really beat the fuck out of each other early. NICE Elbow drop by JBL. JBL is a great second rate Barry Windham in this. JBL does the WWE Main Event Stair Bump and we go to a commercial. JBL works the shoulder and Tazz calls it both the Cross Armbreaker and the Jujigatame. Tazz kinda overcalls Angle escaping as a Reverse DDT. JBL cuts Angle off with a What Is Not Actually A Samoan Drop. Tazz is more into the psychology of the match more than Kurt Angle is- as Tazz sells the shoulder, but Angle doesn't. JBL counters the Ankle Lock- which means that- fuck- Linda McMahon could counter the Ankle Lock. Angle Slam for two. JBL does a long set-up for a powerbomb and has to basically pick up Angle and lift him into a counter into a Sunset flip into an ankle lock. The finish is all hot as everybody runs in and Angle keeps re-applying the lock with super retardo tap out WHILE THE REF IS DISTRACTED! And then Orlando gets JBL disqualified anyway and Deus Ex Gianta comes out and chokeslams and F-5s everybody and we'll call it a finish and day. Angle's selling suck dick in this but JBL carried him pretty well. The ending was shitty but it's the WWE and what is new.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Sometimes I kid and exaggerate about what I eat or how much I've drank. Let me say in all honesty that I am heading to the terlit right now and I feel like I'm fixin to decorate a giant cake. Orlando and Luther's Abbott and Costello act aren't helping me keep it under control. I STEEL myself and try to wait for the commercial. It's the WWE, how long can the match be? It's Eddy and Booker T- they had a very Russo-esque level annoying skit about them not getting along. They are going to wrestle Rene and Kenzo. Rene makes Booker T's lariat look fucking GREAT. They beat on Eddy and Rene decides to bump like a COMPLETE FUCKING PSYCHO and I sprint like a morbidly obese Bullet Bob Hayes as we head to a merciful commercial. I'm back. Jiminy fucking Crickets, someone needs to write a Gordon Lightfoot-esque song- "The Ballad Of What The Fuck Just Flew Out Of Dean's Ass". Eddy is suplex CRAZY! Rene DIES AGAIN to the floor. Booker T kicks Kenzo in the stomach and Kenzo stands in an obviously cooperative pose for nine seconds while Booker T takes nine seconds to getting around to the AXE KICK and that really sucks ass. Eddy wins with the Love Machine Splash. Why. THAT'S THE SAME FINISH AS RVD! Could it...Could it... COULD IT BE. THAT THEY WOULD. HAVE A FUED. OVER THE FROG SPLASH. This was actually perfectly fine, but I put it here for obvious horrible scarring reasons.

It's nice to see the WWE treat the title with the respect it deserves, even if it IS around the waist of JBL....So, 4 days after beating Santa, Kurt is a face again? Then what was the point of his stupid challenges?....The opening tag was pretty awesome....Booker/Eddy v.s Kenzo/Rene was watchable....I was disappointed with the ME. Every move was countered it seems, some like 5 times..

- They show the Cena match from ARMAGEDDON! Jesus is busted open! Did they explain why it goes to black and white? Jesus is a game ninth rateCactus Jack to Cena's eighth rate Sting in this- as this has enough stiff strikes to make it kinda watchable.

They showed it in black and white because god forbid the youth of this nation be scarred by blood and violence.

Originally posted by DEAN~!Sometimes I kid and exaggerate about what I eat or how much I've drank. Let me say in all honesty that I am heading to the terlit right now and I feel like I'm fixin to decorate a giant cake.

Originally posted by DEAN~!Sometimes I kid and exaggerate about what I eat or how much I've drank. Let me say in all honesty that I am heading to the terlit right now and I feel like I'm fixin to decorate a giant cake.

This is my new favorite away message.

(edited by Whitebacon on 16.12.04 2215)

NEXT WEEK: I swear I will not mention anything having to do with my buttocks. I put you folks through enough.

WAIT WAIT WAIT! Did Dean just maintain that JBL CARRIED Kurt Angle in their match? Bradshaw can carry wrestlers to good matches?

The last time Bradshaw carried anything was as Justin Hawk Bradshaw with his bullrope.

WADSWORTH: The games up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.SCARLET: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?WADSWORTH: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.SCARLET:That's not six.WADSWORTH: One plus two plus two plus one.SCARLET:Nuh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.WADSWORTH: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.SCARLET:(thinking) Okay, fine.One plus two plus one--(angered) Shut up!

Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENWatch that match. JBL carried Angle.

I'm of the mind that Angle's on his last lap as a regular ring performer. The invitational matches have allowed him to be visible with little actual ringwork, and the recent matches with Show have kept his activity to a minimum. It's utter supposition to think Angle's is staying active to prvent another giant absence from the SD roster, but I hope he can take the time off to heal or quit and avoid further injury. Either way, he could still work as a manager or commentator.

Originally posted by TorchslasherWAIT WAIT WAIT! Did Dean just maintain that JBL CARRIED Kurt Angle in their match? Bradshaw can carry wrestlers to good matches?

The last time Bradshaw carried anything was as Justin Hawk Bradshaw with his bullrope.

Watch that match. JBL carried Angle.

The key with JBL is that there's stuff he can do and stuff he can't do, but the stuff he can do he does pretty well. And mostly it's little things that as someone who grew up on Southern Style I can appreciate, but he's doing well right now not going beyond his in-ring limitations. Plus he has his character down cold at this point, and that helps with the storytelling.

But yes, JBL also made Angle look better than he is right now, especially by him handling all the selling and psychology for both of them.

I thought it was a fun episode of Smackdown all around.

RE Cena/Jesus: I realize that him coming back to give someone a righteous askicking sometimes means "the babyface should sell as little as possible" but that doesn't mean he should have gone all Robo-Cena about it. I had a hard time feeling that match because there wasn't enough emotion conveyed in it for my liking.

(edited by Blanket Jackson on 17.12.04 1312)""We may boo Santa Claus and throw frozen batteries in the end zone, but we don't throw $7 beers. We don't waste those."-Spurs forward and Philadelphia native Malik Rose, speaking on the Pacers-Pistons incident

Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENNEXT WEEK: I swear I will not mention anything having to do with my buttocks. I put you folks through enough.

Its not what you put us folks through, its what you put your porcelain friend through - or what you put through your MIGHTY MIGHTY terlit.

Your buttocks, sir, deserves a rest. Or should that be a rest room...

What I caught of Smackdown was fun this week. JBL has really grown on me - doing what he does and doing it right. Maybe because he's the champ, but I think he's done great with what they've booked him to be. Now that he's had a decent run and has his cabinet, dare I say he is starting to deserve the spot he's in? I don't think he deserved the world title so soon after his "new" character debut, but he has certainly gotten his new character over with the crowd.

Ditto to MattTracker in that Kurt's performing days may be on the down side, and I agree JBL carried that match.

Originally posted by TorchslasherWAIT WAIT WAIT! Did Dean just maintain that JBL CARRIED Kurt Angle in their match? Bradshaw can carry wrestlers to good matches?

The last time Bradshaw carried anything was as Justin Hawk Bradshaw with his bullrope.

Watch that match. JBL carried Angle.

The key with JBL is that there's stuff he can do and stuff he can't do, but the stuff he can do he does pretty well. And mostly it's little things that as someone who grew up on Southern Style I can appreciate, but he's doing well right now not going beyond his in-ring limitations. Plus he has his character down cold at this point, and that helps with the storytelling.

But yes, JBL also made Angle look better than he is right now, especially by him handling all the selling and psychology for both of them.

I thought it was a fun episode of Smackdown all around.

RE Cena/Jesus: I realize that him coming back to give someone a righteous askicking sometimes means "the babyface should sell as little as possible" but that doesn't mean he should have gone all Robo-Cena about it. I had a hard time feeling that match because there wasn't enough emotion conveyed in it for my liking.

(edited by Blanket Jackson on 17.12.04 1312)

God, what I wouldn’t give to travel back in time to the start of JBL’s title reign and show this post to the Weiners of that era.

After reading all this, I'm glad I didn't watch the match. As Angle is my favorite wrestler and has been for three years plus, it would be sad to see him struggling now. If he needs carrying for the likes of Bradshaw, I will be mostly content just remembering the Angle of old.

BTW, as an aside for Phantom Lord, I'm very disappointed that you changed the avatar. VERY disappointed.

WADSWORTH: The games up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.SCARLET: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?WADSWORTH: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.SCARLET:That's not six.WADSWORTH: One plus two plus two plus one.SCARLET:Nuh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.WADSWORTH: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.SCARLET:(thinking) Okay, fine.One plus two plus one--(angered) Shut up!

Mine was god-awful. Apologies to anyone who saw my multiple complaints on Twitter but I'm still on this. I tried watching this show with our very own hansen9j, but he gave up halfway through and I did too shortly thereafter.