Thursday, 26 August 2010

Quick demonstration on why rap is the bestest music evah

When it comes to the Vagina Diner, do you visit the establishment with the same "last to enter, first to leave" philosophy which Anna Wintour subscribes to for fashion industry soirees? Or do you treat it like you're the magic remote-control assisted Rabbit "The Ravisher" in the Spaghetti Pig Out episode of Round The Twist?

Hold your tongue and that thought for one minute. During a disasterous gambling spree a decade ago, I came to the conclusion that my bad fortune had nothing to do with a complete inability to pick horses and was, instead, a byproduct of the negative karma I'd brought about on myself by listening to lots of violent rap, which could probably only be rectified by me taking a hiatus from listening to zee rap musik for a while until my karmic levels had risen to an acceptable plateau. I lasted 5 days (in which I sneaked a few listens to old De La shit because, y'know, De La aren't like those other rappers) and it was a truly miserable period when I came to the realisation that I just don't feel as passionately about the likes of Kyuss, Isaac Hayes, Madonna, Bernard Herrmann, Prince, Black Flag, Funkadelic/Parliament and the Rocky 4 soundtrack as I do about my favourite rappers because other genres don't deal with important subjects in the forthright manner that rap does.

"Well my n*gga, you ought to save yo' self some griefIf it ain't worth havin' a little hair in ya' teethYa cuz you'll come up sho'tWith a full pair o' nuts and a lump in ya throatCuz even though she's screamin, she don't want ya semenShe just want a tooounge to keep her ass creamin'But Im'a let her know baby doll I can't do itNot in here and fuck cuz all coochie got a taste to itSee I don't know who been digging you outAnd licking ya downI aint the first girl so I can't clownBut instead Im'a tell you how its doneYou gotta tell a ho 68 and I owe you 1"

The Beatnuts - Lick The Pussy

"In and out with the tongue, ain't another brother finerCause I can dunk like that fuckin Harold MinerAfter I see you here now you're in for a supriseMy lips are suction cups in a fucking fat disguiseRise up off the bed in a twistI make your head spin like the fucking Exorcist"

So there's your irrefutable proof that rap is the greatest genre in the history of recorded music, even with the downside of the inevitable This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things moment when we end up with My Neck, My Back by Khia, which just ruins the party for everyone. Serious L-O-L at Khia's record label keeping her as far away from the video as possible :