Month: June 2014

This is not your typical fire breathing monster. Far from it. This is the ultimate sleeper. The car turns sharp, it desperately scrabbles its wheels to show you urgency with which it can pull and it takes bumps a little harder but it’s all composed on the inside. It’s a light sportscar for the family. The one downside is that it doesn’t come with disc brakes in the rear. Visually that’s a bit of a downer. Fast cars always look better with disc brakes glinting from behind wheel spokes. Toyota fitted bigger, grippier brake shoes. And guess what? Those drums provided ample and reassuring braking power. It stops where and how you want it. It works and adds to the whole sleeper effect.

Take a look at some eye-catching pictures from Las Vegas Review-Journal photographers in the past week, including the West Coast Conference tournament, the Mountain West tournament and the Pac-12 tournament. The Stanford Cardinals celebrate after defeating the Oregon Ducks during a NCAA college basketball game in the final of the Pac-12 women’s tournament at the […]

Thanks so much for this post, and everyone who shared their story. This thread has been such an eye-opener for me. Long story short – I was in mind blowing, heart-wrenching power play relationships for five months, as a result I have stomach problems, had increased drinking and dislocated shoulder, I almost lost myself several times, not in suicidal way(I have kids, so I don’t really consider that an option) but the state I was.., was very close to being dead. I just want to tell this story, and apologize for generalizations of “you feel, etc” and “he/she” – I just wanted to stress that women do this with sometimes even more cruelty and elegance, and that this experience is SO similar to some that my close friends have gone through – it feels sort of unreal, that it happened and I was .. well, blinded. I have been in physically abusive relationships when I was young, there was also lots of silent treatment, and for me that was something unbearable. I escaped from that and took my kid with me, went through therapy and had a great second marriage for many years. Unfortunately we divorced last year, but we still remain good friends and raise children as close together as possible. When I started dating again, I could feel that I sometimes attract emotional/sexual predators, but I thought I was smarter than that. Ha. Now I see that I had loads of illusions about how my life could/would be, and I expected too much from my next relationships, without deep insight in my own state of mind.. but that’s another story. Now I’m just happy to be more/less myself again. So, beginning is so cool and wild and sexy that you basically feel that he’s your soulmate 🙂 And “predatory” sex drive is sometimes so tempting! I guess maybe it is because for some of them that IS the closest point where they can get to other person intimately, the one point they sort of “feel”. Not all of them, of course. There was this beautiful feeling, like there is no one in the world, just us. Telling each other secrets and deep affections, sharing the dreams, complementing each other on every little thing. Like two kids lost on an island. “Like there is no one else” feeling is also where the isolation starts, I see that now – but it can also be just the lover’s mutual blindness, and how can you tell the difference in the beginning?.. In this case you feel this vibe from other person that you should not let anyone in. Because this one-to-one world is carefully guarded, no one must see what is happening. So slowly the situation changes, but whatever happens, you go with it.. Just little hurtful things, misunderstandings.. you think – it’s because we are different, I can live with it. if it’s bad, you think – it will pass. If its very bad – you think it’s a mistake. Sometimes you get angry, frustrated and dissatisfied, and try to talk, or even worse – try to leave, because you feel that something is wrong.. where is the beautiful feeling, that you felt? Why didn’t he keep the promise, why he is avoiding the subject? Why is there this strange fence around? In aftermath of anger you feel guilt and self contempt. He acts like you are guilty, because you asked the wrong things, but if you tried to leave.. well, be ready for the silent treatment. If it’s your first, it feels like someone ice-bucket challenged you without your permission. But you stay, because you are already under this strange spell. You pay more and more attention to every detail. The more withdrawn and mysterious he/she gets, the more obsessed you are. There must be a solution, there must be an explanation. Especially if you have a big heart, loads of empathy, compassion, and you are IN LOVE – you feel that you are in some way part of this mystery, maybe you caused it? Maybe you are guilty.. or this person has some childhood issues, someone wronged him in the past, and you see that you are the one who can help! But it takes all your strength, gradually. And after some time it feels like you exist only in this particular interaction with this person, and you do not feel the other world at all. People can say nice things to you, cheer you up, try to help, but you only want to – either be near this person, help him DESPITE EVERYTHING, get his love and approval, or die, other options are like black hole, at some point they stop existing. And he does everything to make sure all your other energetic sources are shut, but when you give everything – he goes silent. And cold. Or very strict, busy, avoiding you and always having a million different (or sometimes repeated) reasons for just NOT being there. Finally the feeling is like you are in an empty cell, its cold and wet, there is no light, no food, no sounds, you are completely alone, and your mind rushes like mad, thinking – “what did I do? was it my fault? and if it was not, what can I do? and if it IS, what can I do? because whatever I do, it seems only to get worse..” You start thinking – yes, I was too harsh. I should not have been angry when he (or she, no matter) disappeared and did not write for three days. I should not have asked him to spend an hour with me – after all, he is so busy. And after all, I love him, can’t I just be more patient, more understanding, I’m like this angry demanding partner, so I’m wrong and he is right, probably.. And you go and ask forgiveness, feeling like a beggar. He keeps silent for some more time, just to show the power. Then he answers with – Sure, it’s fine, I still want you, you will just have to wait a day or two, lot’s of projects have to be finished right now. Happy for the crumbs he fed you, you feel better again for a day or two, and wait for his call/message/visit. You doubt it in your mind, but you can FEEL how he feasts on your comeback, he needs that. So you think – he must love me. And sometimes I think, maybe it is his/her only possible, sick way of loving – but then, how hard it is to be an object of such love. Sometimes you can feel this deep scar somewhere inside of them, the total fear of losing control, the pain of loneliness.. and the surprise and envy when he sees you just freely loving, the unconditional love you give, and ability to just be cheerful, happy and relaxed. Its like something he can hardly touch, hardly imagine. So he wants to pin it down like a butterfly, I guess. The feeling (at least for me) to be so much desired is very toxic, very appealing in the beginning. Those people can want and chase you like no one other, because you are not just a potential partner for them – you are a divine prey, a hope to be happy again for a moment, hope to somehow feel like human being. The moment when he focuses his attention on you, it really starts to change you, because through his eyes you see yourself SO special, so important, so beautiful, like no other, and the intensity is overwhelming. Its literally like there is no other- because he NEEDS you. Then he gets you, opens you up, starts to know you, slowly starts to feel your weaknesses and strengths, gladly receives love from you, like an alien, trying to dissect another being unknown to him, while diligently playing the “love” game, as he has seen humans do. Then at one point, you start to feel cold, like a draft coming in from an open door. It’s like – wait, you were just there, we were making love, you were like a volcano of affection and promises, but now you’re gone.. did you go to next room, next galaxy, what happened, where am I? In the beginning it’s impossible to believe he is really just feasting, and the energy you give willfully is not enough any more. In the natural course of love this is the moment, when the real, deep intimacy and bonding starts, when you are interested more and more in each other, you want to commit and see the deeper, more intimate issues, you want to enjoy the everyday stuff, you start to feel this person not because of lust any more, but because you grew close together, as individuals. Here it just does not happen. If you want to bond – there is busyness, silence, or both, or it reduces back to plain sex. Sex, as in draining your energy again, because at one point you feel that you give more than you should, you start doing things you don’t want, you feel how the predatory feeling is actually ruining something in you, but you can’t stop! At least you have his attention for some time! For me it was a reason to get into psychology again, to start reading Taro, start writing, etc. I just had to DO something to 1) not think about him, 2) not go crazy because I DON’T UNDERSTAND what’s going on. I’m thankful for that amazing life lesson, but I must admit that it was horrible, just so emptying and lonely sometimes, like you are in love with your worst enemy, you can’t tell that to anyone, you hate yourself for that, but still-again-you send him a message, just to maybe receive an answer. In a day. Or two, or a week. The first time he left me, I thought I will lose my mind, maybe not literally, but I was like “there will never be another person for me” – sounds crazy, I know :/ But then I started to build myself up, for example, breathing deep every time I get dark thoughts, meditating for short moments, doing some yoga, drinking less, but letting myself to get drunk once in a while and cry my heart out. Also letting myself just cry whenever I want – I could not avoid that anyway, so I just did not judge myself for being weak (I used to wake up in the mornings, already crying). I started to write a story, about what happened, just to read it later and see how crazy it is 😀 I started seeing friends again, talking more to my kids, although I could not talk with anyone about my stuff (except one friend who is going through similar thing), but I could listen to their problems with much more empathy and not judging and making conclusions. So in a way it was sobering, humiliating lesson. Then he reappeared again. With thousands of apologies, just wanted to say sorry about what happened, explaining how problematic his behaviour sometimes is, and how he cannot help going silent, its like a defense mechanism (which I totally believe, there are reasons for everything). He wanted to continue, I was very cautious, but after a couple of days, I felt that I am falling for this again.. so the cycle repeated itself, from love/affection (not intimate, because I was trying to be very slow and did not trust him) sliding into coldness and distance. Then I became demanding and just furious, I mean – why return, if you just want to be indifferent again? And he disappeared. This time the blow was not so hard, but it still hurt as hell, cried for days again, and felt like a complete fool and an easy prey. So, I think/hope it’s over now, at least he has not contacted me in a while, and I am trying to build the concrete wall in case he does.. I am still puzzled about the reasons people are doing this to other people, and also why was I so blind to this.. I think I will read as much as I can about it. For anyone who is going through the mourning of such strange relationship – be strong! Live in this moment, enjoy everyday pleasures and duties, try to give other people the love that you thought was meant for him/her. It’s really important to talk about these things. So very glad I found this article and could share my story, too.