3 Reasons to Get a Cat Right Now

I’ve spent most of the day in bed with my cat because school ended for the semester and my life loses about half its meaning when I don’t have work to do. So this post is about cats because there’s been virtually no other source of inspiration nearby all day. So here’s why you have to get a cat right now.

1. Your life’s not going anywhere anyway

This is the adorable face of progress.

Before I got my delightful bundle of joy and razor feet, I was at that stage in life where everything was awful and the only joy I found was in tiny victories in school or something that provided an insubstantial sense of accomplishment like online video games or writing. So let a li’l furry sociopath into your life as a sort of semicolon in your life sentence of suffering because at least then you’ll have someone to share your frowns with.

2. It’s something to take care of

Who even knows what to do with these?

Taking care of yourself is hard, which is why there are whole jobs and entire genres of books dedicated to telling you how to do it in a way you’ll actually fucking listen to. But you don’t have to listen to the people with those jobs or books with titles like Eating Your Way to a Better You because cats exist. Instead of taking care of yourself, take care of a little kitty who has much easier food options for you to pick. Also, cats love getting fat. Cats are essentially 18th century nobility: a fat cat is a rich cat is a happy cat. That being said, mine is lean for maximum killing efficiency because murder is the only thing cats love more than eating.

3. Surrogate affection

Why look for love when you can just lay down in the sun with a cat?

I spent a lot of time in a kind of emotional black hole because any light that tried to enter my life would be consumed by my comically massive cosmic nothingness. But the wonderful thing about cats is that the love they inflict upon you is directly proportional to how much delicious food you give them. So the population of viable romantic partners for you is about zero. So your friends are all out drinking and orgy-ing and loving their lives while you’re locked in your apartment working on something that probably isn’t that important but you have weird priorities. So you’re kind of shit, but your pathetic life doesn’t matter because when a cat hops onto your lap while you’re watching your 10th episode of Cheers that day. Everything is fine with your fluffy wuffy ball of surrogate affection.