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July 10, 2007

Can You Hear Me Now?

I am ashamed to admit it, but I am a Yeller. Not always, not about everything, but it is there and that Yeller side of me comes out. It happens when I am stressed, tired, frustrated. And Matt is, unfortunately, also a Yeller. My mother did not yell much and mostly avoided conflict. But my Dad, he's Italian and loud, and screamed a lot.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. When I listened to the Manic Mommies podcast (I think the one about Let's Start Cooking) they were joking about how we all say "STOP YELLING!" to our kids. It really is ridiculous for us to believe that our children will learn how to keep it together and speak appropriately when we are such poor examples of proper behavior.

Today I promised myself that I would not raise my voice and I am happy to report that I did it. No yelling today. I spoke harshly in a whisper and still had to dole out some punishments. But I never raised my voice. I've done this before, even had whisper days, but today was really different. Because things had gotten so out of hand around here.

There's been so much yelling that my throat hurts and Scott complains that he has a headache "from the stress". I know better. I've read all the parenting books. My parents ran a day care center. I know the most effective teachers are the ones who set clear expectations, never argue with the children, and most definitely, do not yell. I am well aware that yelling decreases your credibility with children (anyone), makes you appear out of control, and increases tension instead of getting the results you want (compliance).

I also know from having a father that was prone to yelling, that there are only two ways to respond; either stop listening or fight back. Neither helps the person who is doing the screaming. It only makes things worse.

And still I end up screaming. According to a Motherhood UncensoredBlogTalk podcast I listened to with the authors of the book Mommy Guilt, yelling is the number one thing that moms feel guilty about doing. To tell you the truth I don't feel that badly about the shouting in general, although I know it is ineffective. You know, like "Stop hitting your sister!" or "Let's go NOW!" What really eats away at me is when I, or Matt, say things like, "Why did you do that?" Or, (cringe) "What's wrong with you?!" It is hard to admit that these things (and sometimes worse) come out of our mouths. I am always sorry when I sink to that level.

The psychological ramifications are obvious, children who feel belittled, wonder why they are so stupid, feel unloved. Scott has been screaming back, too. Things like: I hate you! You are the worst mom and I wish you would die! You tell me not to be a bully, but you're the bully! I know he is looking for a reaction and that he is understandably angry. But I should be able to set a better example. I have to. Because Scott needs everything to be clear. He has a hard time controlling himself anyway, without any added pressure or tension.

And there's the Sensory side, too. The one where he just holds his ears and curls up and whimpers. As if I am hitting him. And I am, sort of. Because he hears and feels the loud words more than other people. It does hurt his ears and his head and his heart.

I am reminded of a line I learned from Catherine Newman (the fabulous author who used to write for Parent Center): "We hold their hearts in our hands." Now I know I haven't damaged Scott permanently and that a little yelling isn't going to ruin someone. It is good for him to realize that people can be angry, but still love each other, and move on.

But I am glad that today at least I didn't add to the tension. I didn't make things worse by flying off the handle. I kept it together and even if their behavior wasn't really any different, mine was. I felt much more clear headed and calm. This not yelling does not come easy, but like most things, the more I practice, the better I will get at it. See, when I start raising my voice again, I can just read this and remember what I need to do!

And for the first time, in several days, I didn't have to apologize for myself. I could stick to the issues at hand instead of it becoming about me and whether I was hurting someone's feelings.

Comments

Lori-
I hope it works-they keep asking to start an account and pay monthly to post-I am confused. The Scott Tissue reference is the new commercial they have where everyone in the office whispers. The receptionist answers the phone whispering "Good morning, thank you for calling Scott Tissue." And then they show them all in a conference room whispering everything-it's funny.

Laura -
You're in! Yea!! There is simply too much time with the kids, the two of them together, me w/o a break. As expected I am so done with summer and it is barely half way over!! What's the Scott Tissue reference? I am clueless!

Lori-
I hear you about the yelling, feeling guilty for yelling, breaking up fights between the kids-it's exhausting! Maybe we should try to get a job at the Scott Tissue headquarters or something-they seem to have under control...........