Mz Manners

You won't get this kind of advice from your mom and grandma.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Nate's Friends Suck!

Mz Manners:

I need your advice! I have an ex-girlfriend who never returns my phone calls. I tried calling her this weekend, but did she call me back? Hell no! She does have a crazy friend who I think is a bad influence on her. Perhaps they are plotting to betray our friendship? So here's the question: Should I cut this person off for not returning my calls? Or maybe I could express my displeasure, like by taking a dump on her kitchen table? (I still have her keys!)

Thanks, Mz Manners, you are so much cooler than any of my so-called friends.

Best,Nate Vagina

P.S. I have attached a picture of myself so you can see what I look like.

Dear Nate,

Thanks for the compliment! Though I’m not sure how much of a compliment it is considering your friends seem like losers.

I am so sorry to hear that your friend, I mean ex-girlfriend, didn’t call you back. Maybe she feels that, since you are no longer her boyfriend, she doesn't have to call you back immediately anymore . . . especially if you were the kind of boyfriend who pooped on her kitchen table (or anywhere else in her apartment). And as far as hanging out with her crazy friend, well I’m sure she is just making up for lost time. Valuable time that you took away from them. It is very possible that they are plotting the demise of your friendship, so I say you better get over there quick if you want to poop on her table before she gets home!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School

No. 8. Confusing Policies Stem from a Low Self Esteem

Take, for example, the United Arab Emirates taking over ports. The Bush Administration assurances that "the government has looked into the situation" is less than reassuring. As is his statement that he will veto any legislation that attempts to block this takeover.

Let's see how does this go? The 911 attacks were carried out by people based in the United Arab Emirates (not necessarily citizens of that county). So we attack Iraq. As an explanation, some language about retribution from the 911 attacks was flurrying around until the administration landed on the better excuse (false) nookular capabilities of Saddam.

Fast forward a few years....still warring in Iraq and now we are WHAT? Oh yes. The US Ports are going to be run by a company from the United Arab Emirates (which just bought the British company that was already running the ports).

And by the way, why did we give up our civil liberites in the name of homeland security, when foreign countries are running our ports?

But hey, don't worry. The Bush administration is looking out (and listening in) for the citizens of the US.

Monday, February 06, 2006

South Slope or Sunset Park?

I am outraged by rude and insensitive real estate agents and brokers re-naming neighborhoods in Brooklyn to lure folks into the borough. If potential Brooklyn dwellers don't like the name of their new neighborhood, they can move to Queens!

How does this happen? I didn’t vote to change the name of my neighborhood to Greenwood Heights, South Slope. I live in Sunset Park.

This is not only an etiquette question but a question of democracy!

Makes Me Want to Hollah!

Dear Makes Me Want to Hollah:

Don’t worry, I’m sure Queens is next. We're about to start seeing listings for places in East Long Island City any day now. But you are correct, the changing of names of neighborhoods in Brooklyn is a travesty. All I can say is, thank God this isn’t happening as much in Manhattan (where the cool people live). I would suggested contacting the elected officials that represent your neighborhood to see if they did, in fact, vote for the name change. If they did, find out who voted "yay," write them a nasty letter and never vote for them again! You should also get some sort of rally going. Gather together your fellow neighbors who are as outraged as you are and start picketing your local politicians’ offices. Or real estate offices, whoever is responsible for this ridiculousness. That’ll show ‘em!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School

No. 9: IT IS IN POOR TASTE TO BELIEVE THAT COLLEGE ROOMATES ARE COMPETENT LEADERS:

Who can tell? I mean that person that holds your hand as your puke your guts out after a four day pub crawl, and then tucks you into bed is someone you can trust, obviously.

But are they fit to run FEMA? That's really not proper.

Especially because their skills are in breeding - while good breeding is important - believing that similar skills are required for breeding Arabian horses and ensuring the citizenry isn't wiped out when the levee breaks demonstrates a considerable lack of judgment.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Hipsters

My friend and his wife are stuck out in the far, far outreaches of a major metropolitan city. I worry that when they return, they won't be hip anymore.

What can I do?

Worried about Balding "Herry" in Chicago

Dear Worried,

I am sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, but your friends stopped being hip the day they decided to move to the far, far outreaches of a metropolitan area. It is very nice of you to worry about when they move back to the city, but chances are this will never happen. I know it is sad to watch as your friends become unhip (and apparently bald) but all you can do now is hope that you don’t one day suffer the same fate. Don’t let your friends drag you down with them!

Thanks for visiting the blog. Let us know if I can help you with anything else!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School

No. 10: SPYING ON CITIZENS IS BOTH RUDE AND INAPPROPRIATE (Not to mention against our civil liberties).

Proper etiquette dictates (as does policy) that the NSA is to spy on foreigners, not red-blooded Americans. Proper etiquette dictates that you should always obtain permission. Bush didn't ask the appropriate people before telling the NSA to spy (you know, like Congress or the judiciary), but he did speak to the executives of the New York Times to convince them not to publish the story they uncovered about a year ago.

Lucky for us the Times published their story or else we would miss yet another reason to be indignant and to heat our simmering distrust of the national leadership.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

THERAPY IS RIDICULOUS

Is she looking at my boobs??

I don’t know what’s worse, being an outpatient forced to go to therapy three times a week or being in a hospital bed with you’re hands tied down so you won’t hurt yourself. At least when you’re in the hospital the drugs are stronger and way more frequent. My new therapist won’t give me ANY drugs! I mean, what’s the point of a therapy session if you don’t walk out with a prescription in your hand. My new therapist (who I think is hitting on me – totally inappropriate and un-etiquette-like) wants me to simply talk. Talk??? I’m not giving her any information that she can use against me later. What is she crazy? I feel like I’m the one administering the therapy to her. That actually makes sense since I know everything about everyone, including myself. I don’t know what she’s trying to sell me, but I’m not buying!

Oh, yeah, anyone out there have any questions? I’m back and ready to help more people with my intense wisdom of all things in the universe. Email me!