With teens and tweens, a parent's love trumps privacy

Like any parent of a teen or tween, I freaked out last week when I read about the "sexting" incident in Swansea. My initial reaction was, "My kid would never be this stupid." But the reality is, of course she could — any kid could be this stupid.

Like any parent of a teen or tween, I freaked out last week when I read about the "sexting" incident in Swansea. My initial reaction was, "My kid would never be this stupid." But the reality is, of course she could — any kid could be this stupid.

Did I ever do stupid things as a kid? Plenty of ‘em. Taking and showing around nude photos? Well, no ... but then again, the technology of today makes this little easier for kids to do.

Back in the ‘80s, if my friends and I had wanted to pass around nude photos, it would have required way too much effort. We would have had to borrow Mom’s Polaroid (God forbid we tried to get film developed at CVS!) and a bulky Polaroid would have been decidedly harder to maneuver. Even then, it would have been one photo, maybe two — not hundreds of copies.

Had we gotten caught — or better yet, just reconsidered and decided against such foolishness — we could simply have cut up the Polaroids and been done with it.

Not so, nowadays. A 14-year-old texts naughty photos of herself and those little digital files can fly through an entire baseball team, or worse, an entire sophomore class, like wildfire. And who’s to know if those files can ever be completely deleted?

Make no mistake, in my day we also had our share of ridiculous lists, ranking girls according to perceived level of "hotness." (Blessedly, there were no "rate my girlfriend" websites back then.) The notes were easily passed during the change of classes or during lunch. The thing is, once the notes were confiscated by a teacher, they were destroyed and the incident was over.

Nowadays, when those lists live in cyberspace, it’s tough to know if they are ever truly gone.

So what’s a parent to do? For advice I turned to a school guidance counselor.

Prohibiting the use of cell phones in school would be a good place to start, she said. While many middle schools don’t allow students to carry cell phones (they must remain stashed in their lockers), high schools are often a different story. But cell phones in school can lead to more problems than just sexting — students can conduct drug deals, bully their classmates and cheat on tests.

"Kids just want to be like everyone else. If one has a smartphone, the other one wants it, too. And the parents provide it because they don’t want to be considered less well-off than the other parents," said the guidance counselor. "But kids are still too young for that responsibility."

Still, suppose, like many parents, I decide to let my daughter have a cell phone. What then?

"Monitoring the phone is key," said the guidance counselor. "You have to do random checks. Does it violate their privacy? I’m sorry, kids’ safety comes first."

Page 2 of 3 - Knowing all my child’s passwords and periodically checking her Facebook, email or cell phone is one thing, but sometimes one catastrophic decision — like responding to a boyfriend’s dare to send him a nude photo — can happen too quickly, and by the time parents realize it, that photo is already circulating. What kids don’t understand, the counselor emphasized, is that one foolish act like this can affect them for the rest of their lives, if they are caught and convicted. Imagine you’re a smart kid applying to college, and an admissions counselor comes across your name and, worse, your photo on the web. Imagine 15 years down the line not being able to chaperone your preschooler’s class trip because you can’t pass a CORI check, all thanks to a stupid, stupid photo you took and distributed as a freshman.

"Kids never think they are going to get caught," said the counselor. "They think they are smarter than adults. But they don’t fully understand the consequences."

But the kids involved in sexting are the "problem" kids, right? The trouble-makers? The ones who are always in detention?

Nope, and that’s the scariest part. Even the honor roll students, the star athletes — the popular kids, the "good" kids — can get caught up in a mess like this.

"Kids are so consumed with being ‘cool’ and fitting in," said the counselor. "They are all taking dares and showing how tough they are."

And, like a coworker pointed out to me the other day, when you’re in high school and in "love," you think you’re going to stay with your boyfriend forever. You trust him, you think — and if he asks nicely for a photo, you send it, because you are just so in love.

And then you break up. And he’s angry. And he wants to ruin your reputation, so he sends that photo to his teammates. And they send it to some of their friends. And those friends pass it along to more people. And soon the wildfire is out of control.

So I’ve had a discussion with my daughter about this Swansea incident. I’ve made it clear just how much trouble these kids are facing, and I’ve explained that some things are meant to remain private and even if she wants to keep it private, you can’t always trust other people to respect your wishes.

She doesn’t have a phone yet, and I think I will hold off a little longer. But I’ve got her Instagram password, and her Text-Plus password and she knows full well that I will check in periodically. Maybe if she doesn’t want me to see something, she will at least think twice before doing it/writing it/saying it.

Page 3 of 3 - I’ve made it clear that when I check her messages, I won’t care that so-and-so is wearing a blue sweatshirt to the dance or that such-and-such doesn’t like One Direction anymore.

I just can’t leave the other stuff to chance — I love her too much.

Lynne Sullivan is The Herald News news editor. She is the mother of three children, ages 12, 10 and 8. She can be reached at 508-676-2572 orlsullivan@heraldnews.com.