Montag, 12. Mai 2014

Two Girls, One Couple

So there was this couple I knew.

They were perfect together. Like, literally the single most flawless realtionship that I had ever seen. And I don't mean it as in "they were never having an argument" or something like that. No, but the way they treated each other and seemed to sort things out, together, for just about 8 years or so, most of them allegedly happily married.

And there was always some kind of sexual tension in the air around them. Sometimes, when they were hosting a little celebration in their living room and you happened to sit inbetween of them when their eyes met ... it was static, you felt it. To be honest, you felt kind of violated, as if they were not only mindfucking but actually on top of each other in a parallel dimension right where you sit. Awkward and not very comfortable, but strangely awesome. I envied them for their healthy relationship.

No more.

There's always more to things than appears on the surface. Now I ask myself why I wasn't sceptic from the begin with. I mean, come on, it was too good to be true.
Why should that be of any importance to me now?

I noticed that I recently got blocked from following E.'s profile on Soundcloud. It took me quite some strength to write a mail and ask what's wrong, if it was a misunterstanding or happened on purpose. I had enough. I just wanted to have some clarity.

I received an answer that was ... very ... insightful, to say the least.

Along with some blah about how he doesn't put any value to playing any role in my life (So it's finally out in the open once and for good Thanks a lot. That's a good thing, I mean it.) came the news that he broke up with Ch. and followed the call of the big city lights, i.e. moved away, apparently quite some time ago.

That he finds my way of dealing with things rather questionable didn't surprise me. What caught my attention, though, was the wording when he wrote about that "certain rape story" ("Vor allem eine gewisse Vergewaltigungsstory und deinen Umgang damit,
finde ich überaus fragwürdig."). Is it just me or does that really sound like a steaming pile of a shitload of bullshit?

On one hand it sounds to me like he doesn't believe it to be true. I mean, why else would someone use such an expression if not to show that they don't take it seriously?

Then again, I don't know what she (M) told him. Knowing how she keeps manipulating the people around her, and after all the crap she kept telling me back then, there's no reason for me to think that she's suddenly absolutely honest with someone. Her view of men was already pretty fucked up back when I met her, and since then, and because of the lesson I put her through, she definitely had to learn many a new tricks. I bet my sweet little ass on it that honesty wasn't amongst them.

Additionally there's still the possibility that this whole rape thing never actually happened, and that she deliberately put me through this misery in order to get away from me ... or something like that. I don't say I believe that, but that doesn't make it less possible, and it would make sense - a cruel one, but still. And yes, I do think her capable of pulling that off.

Rape isn't just a physiological act, it also can be executed merely psychologically.")

There it goes again: I'm a rapist, or at least equally harmful.

Wow. Just ... wow. ^^

I find it particularly funny because it's something like a comfirmation to me that I'm actually having some effect. I'm wreaking havoc in her head. I see that also as a good thing. I can't just sit around and do nothing to the people who messed with me. I can't just forget about it and move on, you might have noticed that by now.

Yes, I am a vengeful person, damnit!

I want to get even.

I want to fight fire with fire. To a certain degree it satisfies me, I draw pleasure from it. It gives me a feel of justice. And why the fuck not? I've been swallowing bullshit for too long, now it's time to let it out. And who better to aim my wrath at than the people who caused it? What should I even care about her and how she feels anymore? She didn't care, and I bet she still doesn't. All she ever really cared about was herself. So why shouldn't I be allowed to do the exact same thing?

Only difference is that I'm not forcing her to anything. Yes, she knows I'm "out there", writing this stuff up for everyone to see, spreading my "twisted view", depicting myself as some sort of victim. SO. FUCKIN'. WHAT?

What does she even care? She doesn't have to read it. And it's not like I keep sending her a newsletter or anything. The network is big enough for all of us.

99.999% of the people I'm telling it to don't know her in person, don't even know her name, let alone what she looks like. The .001% of people who do know her, she already tricked into believing/feeling sorry for her and/or broke off contact to them. So where's the freakin' problem for her with what I do?

You know, E., there're quite a few things that I find not acceptable as well, e.g. actual physical rape or making someone who loves you believe that you got raped. Guess what? NO. ONE. CARED! So, please, tell me why I should give only a single fuck about your opinion?

You know what?

Go do whatever people told me to do when I couldn't accept things: shut the fuck up, stop pittying yourself, stop whining and go to therapy. In any case, FUCKIN' DEAL WITH IT.

Which is why I'd like to ask you in all kindness to let go of things and move on.

If you should be incapable of doing so, I at least expect you to to leave my girlfriend out of your blogs.")

...

...

...

If I would have tried to come up with a thousand different ways of how this story is going to continue, THIS would've been one of the last ones that I would've been able to think of, if ever. I'd place it somewhere between rank 900 and 1,000, just a tiny little bit higher on the list than aliens, a zombiepocalypse or Judgement Day for all I care. This is literally one of the last things that I would've thought possible.

Mind = blown.

This is so bad that it's good again. You know the type of movies that are that trashy so you just have to like'em, simply because they are the way they are? That's exactly how I feel about this. It just makes me laugh everytime I think about it. This ... is soooo ... totally ... X'D

Also I'm feeling a bit sorry for you, bro. To me it looks like you made a similar mistake like I did, and also fell for a nice ass, endless legs and a slutty bedside manner. Leaving Ch. for that? Congratulations for a job well done ... not, you stupid, stupid man. :'D (Trust me. When it comes to stupid guys, I know what I'm talking about. ;) )

I'm really looking forward to the day when ... nah, spoilers. ;) :D

It's because of that that I can't be mad at you and will honestly try to respect your wish and let this be the one last time for me to make that bitch a theme of my blog. It will be for the better of all the people affected.

And of course I know that there're always three sides to a story (the two sides of the people it concerns and the truth), so I feel obligated to keep an open mind to the idea that it was Ch. who screwed up your marriage. It even could've been a mutual decision, although statistics don't stand to your favor. ;)

("However you'll be taking the things mentioned above, I honesty wish for you to have a better future life than it has been the case in the past.

E.")

Thanks.

For the clarity, the honesty, and for even finding some kind words at the end.

Yet, since I don't know what actually happened between Ch. and you, I won't be able to wish you the best of luck as well. After all, there is a certain probability that you might be ... a very particular idea that came to my mind after I thought about the content of your e-mail.

Anyway, this whole thing might be a real game changer for me. I feel relieved in a strange way. :)