Tuesday, May 3, 2011

For God, Country: Geronimo! Geronimo!

The killing of Osama bin Laden is the greatest moment in US Military history. And, to be honest, I can’t believe it’s not a bigger story. In a world where Tiger Woods’ cheating trumps 9/11 for total news coverage, I suppose there’s no reason to be surprised. What more could we hope for as a country? We put a storybook ending on the most horrific act of terrorism on American soil by putting an American bullet in the head of the monster. I know it may have come 10 years too late for most of us, but this was an amazing moment of American muscle and see-it-throughness. The mission to finish him off was one of the most daring and complicated of its kind. The Navy Seals who executed it are American heroes. And history will, and should, credit Barack Obama for being at the helm when bin Laden was brought to justice.

What previous military accomplishment/mission has been a bigger deal and greater success than what happened this weekend? What? When? Where? The truth is this ‘War on Terror’ has been a one-country conflict, and Osama bin Laden was the golden goose, and we got him. In the past we may have fought and won greater wars, rose victorious from more epic battles, but the killing of bin Laden, and the way we did it, will do much to restore this nation as the world’s #1 undisputed superpower, and push back any future ideas to go against us.

Osama bin Laden was the most wanted man in the world, he has masterminded several attacks against America, and is responsible for the death of 4,000 of our citizens. And we hunted him, pulled him out of his hole, and put a bullet through his brain. I don’t mean to go all Toby Keith on you, but goddamn it felt good to put a boot in his butt, American style. He died like a dog, using a woman as a human shield before he bit the dust. Our Military’s PR people were very smart to mention and re-mention that piece for every news network around the world. And believe me the photos of his finished corpse will be posted all over the Internet in short order. We got him. Well done, Mr. Bush. Well done, Mr. Obama. And by the way you can punch your re-election ticket right now, which begrudgingly leads me to my next point . . .

The circumstances surrounding 9/11 and everything since have been and continue to be unbelievably weird. Although I’m super happy to be an American today, I’m not going to 100% back down from my belief that something more than meets the eye went down way back in 2001. When it came to this attack, 2+2 has never added up to 4. I’m sorry, it’s true, and we all know it. Now it continues. The killing of bin Laden was immediately followed by the dumping of his body in a burial at sea, which means all evidence of his death sleeps with the fishes. Do I think we killed him? No doubt about it, he’s dead, and he died this weekend. But . . . Well I suppose there’s too many buts to count honestly. Again, the weirdness shows. 2+2 = ah . . . I don’t know, but it seems to me that the murder of America’s greatest villain would warrant a little trophy presentation, no? I heard the reasons for the burial at sea, I get it, but then again, I don’t. Islamic practice? Huh?

OK, I’ll attempt to back up all this talk with some kind of theory, even if I’m not sure it’s my theory. Could the following be possible? We somehow worked with bin Laden on 9/11, for whatever reason, to create an excuse to enter the Middle East and occupy the world’s oil hub, and hence control the world’s most important resource, controlling it under the guise of a ‘War on Terror’ and revenge for 9/11. Osama bin Laden, for whatever reason, agreed to play the part of boogeyman in this game. We promised to protect him from Military death if he disappeared and didn’t come out. So he took up residence in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan, and everyone turned the other cheek. This arrangement went on for 10 years, 5 years, 3 years, whatever. But now, for whatever reason, American powers decided that the deal was dead and took bin Laden out, (On May 1st nonetheless, same date as Hitler was discovered) because it was a political and national victory for us. What is that victory? Who stands to gain from it? Why now? After that, burial at sea in accordance to Islamic practice, because no country would take his remains. Wait a second, let me get this straight. NO OTHER COUNTRY would take Osama bin Laden’s remains? No other country would accept the body of the most famous man in the world, thus possibly creating a tourist landmark that would rival the Grand Canyon times a thousand. Yeah right, those Middle East countries are so wealthy already, forget the billions in tourist dollars that bin Laden’s grave could potentially bring. Maybe it was morally wrong, you say. You know how moral those Middle Easterners have been when it comes to America. Guess what, guys, 2+2 still doesn’t equal 4, does it? Is it possible? Maybe, but I don’t know. OK, I’m done, back to the good stuff.

America is still #1, and the Navy Seals who dealt bin Laden’s death blow are international heroes, and some of the greatest US Military men in history. This is a golden age for our fighting men and women, and I’m happy to tip my hat and say thanks, regardless of my sometimes confused front. It was a great victory for Democracy, and it was the perfect closure for those who lost friends and family on 9/11, as perfect as closure can ever be. It’s a good day, no doubt, and I’m happy to be alive to see it. By now bin Laden is on the wrong end of a shark’s digestive system. The trip to Hell’s a short one from there.