Friday, January 17, 2014

The Talk

Its been awhile since I last updated this blog. I find it kind of hilarious that I'd come back with THIS story, but well this is a story a parent should never forget.

So yesterday afternoon, AJ told me she didn't understand how babies got into a woman's womb. I read somewhere that you should answer the question actually asked and not assume bigger questions, so I simply told her that the man puts a seed in the woman which fertilizes her egg. She said okay so I thought I was good.

Yeah...I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Tonight after asking me a string of mundane questions in an attempt to stall bedtime, she sprung the BIG question on me.

AJ: So uhm...Mom, I don't understand. How does the man get the seed into the woman?
Me: *Thinking to myself...oh shit.* Well, what do you mean?
AJ: I don't understand! How does it get in the woman?
Me: Okay, so uhm...they do this uhm...adult activity *crap, crap, crap* that uhm...puts the seed there. Time for bed!
AJ: What activity?
Me: *Shiiiitt...* Well, honey, its called sex. And its for adults. And well...that's how the sperm, uhmm...so that's what the seed is actually called, so that's how the sperm gets in the woman.
AJ: *Raises her eyebrow at me.* Uh-huh, HOW does it get in the woman?
Me: *Sigh* Fine. So you know what a penis is, right?
AJ: Yuh-aaaa...its what a man pees through!
Me: Right. So sperm comes out of there too. And the man putshispenisintothewoman'svagina and that's how the sperm gets there.
AJ: *making a face* Ewwww...
Me: Well, yeah, I can see why a five year old might think that sounds gross. Okay, time for bed, pleeease...
AJ: So, how does this happen through the clothes?
Me: They're aren't usually wearing clothes or at least not much.
AJ: Okay, I still don't understand.
Me: What do you mean? What don't you understand? *Go to sleep, go to sleep, please, go to sleep...*
AJ: How does the penis get into the vagina?
Me: *Seriously, do I have to draw a diagram!!* Well, AJ, I'm not sure I get the question, he just puts it in...
AJ: But MOM, the penis...its WOBBLY!
[At this point, I lost it. I started cracking up. AJ joined me and we had a full on belly laughing session while I gasped for air.]
Me: Uhm...so sex. Yeah, its not just for making babies. Which is why some folks use protection to make sure they don't get pregnant or get someone pregnant. So, when the man is excited, his penis isn't wobbly. It's hard uhm...like a stick. *crap, did I just really say that?*
AJ: Like a stick?! *squeals of laughter* So you and dad did this?
Me: *of course, you'd ask me THAT.* Yes.
AJ: *holding up her hand and pointing the finger of her other hand at it* I bet that's how puppies are made too.
Me: Yup.
AJ: *whispering* You know, I might have sex when I'm older.
Me: Yup, I am sure you will.
AJ: With a man?
Me: Well, uhm, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. So the sex I was talking about was between a man and woman, but that's because you asked me about how babies are made. A woman and woman can have sex. So can a man and man. They just can't make a baby. I mean they can have a baby, you know, they can adopt or if its women they can have the doctor help them put sperm into one of the women and if its men they can ask a woman to carry the baby for them. Does that make sense?
AJ: Yeah, you know, I might not want to have a baby.
Me: That's okay. You don't have to have one. Uhm...can we please go to bed? Have I answered your questions?
AJ: Well...
Me: You can always ask me questions tomorrow or another day if you want. But its late, AJ. I'm tired. Oh and uhm...you know I think its great that you felt safe enough to ask me these questions but you probably shouldn't talk to your friends about it. You know, I'm sure their parents would like to be the first person they talk to about it and all.

So yeah...that was my first foray into talking about sex with AJ. Hopefully, I didn't do too badly. I mean, she laughed and didn't seem scarred. That's something, right? Right?

2 comments:

That made me laugh so hard! Can you please have Aria give Olivia the sex talk? She asked some amazing questions and I think you did an absolutely spot-on job of answering them. Robin: your friendly, neighborhood sex-talk expert.

I like your last sentence about talking to her friends about it. Renee and I parent in the same manner as you guys. Alice is very inquisitive and we are very honest and transparent with her. I'm always fearful of other parents getting pissed off at me. My main rationalization for that is that even though I don't care if their parents' get pissed off at me because they chose to lie to their children, or didn't feel like parenting because it made them uncomfortable. I am worried that they wouldn't let their kids play with Alice anymore. She shouldn't have to suffer the loss of friendship, so I also like to give her the heads up on discretion. Just noticed I'm rambling. I'll shut up now. Very entertaining post, you guys always put a smile on my face.