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I’m thinking about starting a sporadic series of blog posts titled STUFF THERE SHOULD BE WORDS FOR. I already have a sizable list, but one item comes up a lot; What do you call someone who is well intended in their words or actions but the end result causes injury or offense?

After extensive research I have identified not one but TWO distinctive species: Snitchbiters and Niceholes. If you are not familiar with these terms, allow me break it down for you:

Snitchbitter

A Snitchbitter is someone who likes you, truly likes you, but constantly says and/or does not nice things. If you are a woman, there is a 65.78% chance your mother might be one of them. Overall, snitchbitters are good, well intended people who are unintentionally hurtful. Example: Someone who says “Wow, that sweater looks great. Nobody looks good in hospital green, but you can really pull it off!”

That hospital green comment really happened. It happened in my mouth, actually. It just fell out of my mouth before I could catch it and stuff it back in. Luckily the person on the receiving end knows me well enough to reply “Do you not even hear the words that fall out of your mouth?”

Yes folks, I am a snitchbitter.

I hang out with a lot of snitchbitters too. In fact, if you know me in person and you are reading this, there is a good chance you are a snitchbitter. It’s probably why we get along so well. Sure, I could get all holier-than-thou and say I never gossip or deliver anything less than 100% genuine praise, and 99% of the people reading this would totally believe it, but lets be adults and accept who we are: I am a snitchbitter. And I am working on it.

Nicehole

A Nicehole is someone who behaves nicely, but is really an asshole. Someone who does not particularly care for anyone but would never have the balls to be upfront in their rudeness. They are too hung up on etiquette. If you made a typo at work, or left your shirt untucked, they would be the first person to tell you. Not because they want you to look good in front of others, but because it makes them feel superior to identify your flaws. Nicholes take every opportunity to remind others of their mistakes. Conversely, reminding a nicehole of their own mistake(s) can be a dangerous task and should only be undertaken in emergency situations while wearing protective clothing.

Niceholes rarely say anything mean or malicious, but on the rare occasions they do, it comes accompanied by that beloved expression “I’m just calling it like I see it.” The thing is, people who are calling it like they see it are usually seeing it like an asshole. Or shall we say, nicehole.

This has been a public service announcement.

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Now, tell the truth, do you know any snitchbitters or niceholes? Or perhaps there is a third classification of well-intended-yet-jerk-like behavior I have not identified yet. Feel free to share your findings.