3.) Take two of those ugly, black, metal bookends we all manage to utilize but keep hidden in the back of the bookcase and place them in the freezer

4.) The last step works best if you live in an area where you have access to people. If you do, there’s nothing you need to ahead of time. If you do not, however, you will have to use your imagination.

But…keep in mind the milkman, postman, paperboy, lawn guy, Jehovah Witness…you get the idea. But remember, you’ll need to tailor this exercise to fit a particular time slot if that’s the case

Okay…have you got all that? Three days, three exercises.

Ready?

Here we go…

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the frame

Shut the door as hard as possible then lean on the door for good measure

Hold that position for five seconds…12345

(screw the one-one thousand, two-one thousand crap)

Release

Take a cleansing breath and repeat two more times

Switch sides and do the same for (to) the other breast

Upon completion, reach in and grab (with gusto) that guilty pleasure

Make as much noise devouring it as you are capable of

Come on ladies…put your heart into it…I want to hear you MOAN!

EXERCISE TWO:

Remember those bookends in the freezer?

Take them out

Strip to the waist

Go outside and grab the first stranger you meet

(HOLD IT! I can’t believe none of you caught this before I did…but let’s REVERSE those previous two steps shall we?)

Invite that stranger into the room

(gender not important at this stage, humility is not relevant)

Press the bookends against each side of one of your breasts

Ask the stranger to place his/her hand gently, but firmly, against your naked back; just below the shoulder-blade, to steady you and make it easier for them to breathe warm, moist air into your ear

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can…kind of like this:

Hold

Release

Do it again

Switch

Smash

Hold

Release

Do it again

Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again

EXERCISE THREE:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect

WAIT – NOW is the time for your phone a friend – Hit that speed dial

Once your breast-bestie has been given her orders and is in place, take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car

Give the go ahead signal to have her slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled

(This is a one and done exercise as you can see below)

Turn over

Repeat with the other breast

That’s all there is to it.

Three exercises, three times a day

YOU. ARE. NOW. TOTALLY. PREPARED

Okay…now that you’ve had your gentle reminder…who’s going with me?

😳

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Waaaa…sorry you’re enduring a mammo ~ only had one in my life and beware, it didn’t show my cancer. The ultrasound of my lump did. Just thought I’d throw it in for good measure since you liked yours so much. The things we endure in order to stay healthy!

I know…being a woman is sooo much fun. I’ve been through many, was actually only the first one I was afraid of…they are more a ‘roll my eyes, let’s get this overwith’ thing now…but I know they should not be the only thing. So thankful you doc followed up.

Oh geez… what the hell was that all about, SB????? I wasn’t sure where it was going… don’t know how mammograms are done really… wasn’t prepared for the very vivid analogies and descriptions. Think I should go fetal for a while and cry. Or talk to my wife. I did not know these things worked like this… for the love of snow, can’t they come up with a better way?

Man I am ignorant of stuff. Well, thanks for making me laugh and then making me feel a bit bad about it. Ha!

Just keep it in mind when your wife begins her own yearly squeeze and squash. If she gets nervous, be there to hold her hand…and keep your fridge full of goodies. 🙂 (seriously, though it really is a bit like this..it’s not nearly as hard as bearing children after all!) You’re cute