Hello there! I am Laurie and I want to share about a temporary direction shift to this blog. I am in the process of learning many new insights about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) that seem to be working. These insights have caused me to go in a new direction in my approach to RAD as a Life Coach.

Most of the shift has to do with helping the adopted RAD child attach in meaningful ways. It is a very different parenting approach. It looks quite contrary to all we know about parenting. Healing the brain is at the root of the process.

So far, this blog is my story and my connection to help other adoptive parents in their search for answers to RAD. It will continue to be so. But for now, this blog will be taking a break. I will come back and communicate what I am learning through this different parenting approach. I will have more helpful information of how to bond to these troubled RAD children.

I don’t know how long of a break I am going to take. But, I do know sending these RAD children to their rooms as a punishment adds to their rejection and abandonment issues. Plus, taking their stuff away causes them to be on a war path to win over you at all cost. Usually the cost of the relationship between you and them. More on these issues when I come back from this break.

Blessings to you and your families in the interim pause for this blog. I will be back to share all I have learned. Until then…

I hope your Christmas Season went well! I am writing this particular post in honor of the biological children who have lived with symptoms of RAD in their adopted siblings over the years. This blog is to the foster and adoptive parents who need encouragement to navigate through adoption issues and today is about the biological children we have in our care.

My last post was about adopted children purposively sabotaging holidays and birthdays. I went into some suggestions you can use when it happens. Please check it out.

Today I am going to talk about our biological children and their ability to heal. Specifically from their adopted sibling’s RAD symptoms emotionally hurting them. This needs a process of healing.

In our Situation:

Things were bad at the beginning of our adjustment phase of adoption. We have a biological daughter and she was physically abused by our oldest adopted daughter. This adjustment period was awful because every time I left the room our adopted daughter would be abusive to our biological daughter by kicking, knocking down, punching, biting, pulling out hair, etc.

As the years went by we began to realize our adopted RAD daughters were being manipulative and mean to our biological daughter much like they were to me. Their plan was to get her out of the house or kill her like they planned for me.

In hind sight we discovered our biological daughter received more emotional, verbal and physical abuse from our adopted daughters than we knew about. It had taken its toll. Now our biological daughter doesn’t want much to do with our adopted daughters. Our adopted daughters are still very much in their narcissistic RAD behaviors, blame everything on everyone else and never wanted anything to do with our biological daughter.

Been There – Done That:

I am not writing this post from a place where I did everything right. Obviously I didn’t if our biological daughter was so abused. But I can make some suggestions to help you along the way:

1) Strongly encourage your biological children to tell when they are being abused.

2) Allow your biological children to defend themselves.

3) If possible allow your biological children’s bedrooms to be as far away from the adopted RAD children’s bedrooms as possible.

4) Encourage your biological children to have friends and let them do things with these friends without your adopted children tagging along.

5) Find someone your biological child can talk to if they are being abused.

6) Don’t allow your RAD adopted children to use your biological child’s things. They will destroy them on purpose.

7) Set apart time to listen to your biological child to talk them through their hurt or pain.

8) Believe them if they tell you of things your RAD adopted children are doing.

Healing, Time and Forgiveness:

It has been several years since our two adopted RAD children have been in our home. Our biological child has taken these several years to heal and forgive. She is doing much better and I am so glad!

She is now helping some of her friends navigate through their adoption issues with their children. She has always been able to see what is really going on. The advice she gives to these families is sound and mature. I am so proud of her!!

Conclusion:

I would love to hear from you on the subject of this post or about any of my other posts. Please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. I will respond the best way I can. Blessings to you and your adoptive family.

Merry Christmas a few days early. Laurie here with my next post. I have written many posts so have a look.

My last post was on RAD adopted children and the magic age of eighteen. Many leave home at this age to go out on their own. I talked about getting help to prevent this from happening before they are ready. Check out my post.

Today’s post is about the need RAD adopted children have to sabotage Christmas, birthdays or holidays. It is a difficult behavior to navigate through. Please read further.

Reasoning Behind the Sabotaging:

During any holiday or birthday adopted RAD children are in a fantasy mode. They are imagining how life would have been if they didn’t have to be adopted out. Along with not letting anyone to close to bond to them – an adopted RAD child will do a myriad of behaviors to ruin or sabotage a holiday. They act out over and over to produce reactions so no one will bond to them.

This is also the tactic they use to prevent anyone from entering their heart where they think their birth family belongs. They believe there is not enough room in their heart for two fathers or mothers – let alone any extra siblings. It is quite sad when viewed from their perspective.

Your Christmas Day:

You don’t need to let their sabotaging ruin your holiday. It takes a certain ability to separate the reasoning of their behavior from what you are truly carrying in your heart towards them. Which of course is love. When they act the way they do it is because of their deception about only loving a few people at a time. BUT you are capable of loving many loved ones and it puts you in a vulnerable position.

You don’t have to put up with sabotaging behaviors. Don’t let their prickly behaviors wound your soul. That is what they are wanting it to do. Maintaining the right perspective allows you see to see they behave like this out of their fears. Mainly fear of rejection so they reject first so they don’t get hurt. They are so sick. You are not sick.

Instead, focus on the people around you who can receive your love and give love back. Until your child heals they won’t be able to love you the way you need them to love you. They will refuse to love because they can’t let you close enough to hurt them like their birth mother has done by giving them away.

Suggestions for the Holiday Sabotaging:

I have changed my perspective about how to respond to sabotaging. I used to say send them to their room and have fun until they want to rejoin the group. Now I understand they want to be in their room to avoid bonding. So, here are some suggestions that keep them with everyone but can detour their behaviors in a social setting.

1) Give them a choice of calmly participating or cleaning up the discarded Christmas wrapping paper.

2) Give them a choice of waiting for their next gift or calming down, having fun, and opening their next gift.

3) Give them a choice of sitting beside you or beside someone else in the room.

The Point:

It is ok for you to enjoy your holiday. Enjoy all the other people who are around you and give all the love you have to them. Loving is what holidays are all about. Just realize it is not you who is causing the behaviors your RAD adopted child is displaying. It is the results of the wounding they received from their biological parents rejection.

Conclusion:

I understand what I am asking you to do is difficult but I just want you to be able to enjoy your holiday. Until RAD children heal they won’t be able to love you fully so release them from that requirement. It will relieve your heart ache need for their love.

Well, that is all for today. Be blessed and have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. There won’t be a post next week. Until next time…

I trust you are having a good Christmas season. I’m here with a heart to connect to foster and adoptive families. I would love to hear from anyone about the subjects of my posts. Please leave a comment.

My last post was about living with RAD – day in and day out. RAD is challenging and the symptoms are intense. Please check out my last post.

Today I am going to talk about RAD and when an adopted RAD child reaches the age of eighteen. It’s an important time in the life of your child. They seem to think it is too.

The Magic Age of Eighteen:

Without startling anyone I want to say a few things here to prepare your heart. This is not from a heart of fear…It seems RAD adopted children think they are totally prepared to face the world at the age of eighteen. To them something magic happens when they are asleep on the last night of being seventeen. When they wake on their eighteenth birthday they suddenly know everything and can handle every situation which comes their way. They seem to think they are invincible.

You may be thinking that every child feels this way. To some degree that may be true. I have a biological child and adopted children and I can say with all sincerity – there is a difference. A RAD child’s intentions and expectations about turning eighteen come from very different motivations of the heart.

RAD adopted children have fantasized about being eighteen and out on their own probably for a very long time. Since they were very young – they have decided their own rules, morals and decisions. They aren’t attached to anyone and this independence sometimes unwisely places them in very dangerous situations.

Suggestions:

If your adopted child is RAD and young – get them some help. Find someone who is educated about RAD. Don’t take them to anyone who doesn’t have an educated understanding of RAD. You won’t get anywhere.

If you don’t know if your adopted child is RAD then do some research to educate yourself. There are RAD symptom lists on many web sites. If your child has several of the symptoms then research the nearest therapist that has an educated understanding of RAD to get help.

If your child is RAD and is in their teens then get help ASAP! They will tell you they are not going to leave as soon as they are eighteen but they may be putting on a front. RAD children love to make plans, manipulate and try to pull things off right under your nose.

Think About What You’re Going To Do:

I write this post as a results of what I have seen in many families who have RAD adopted children. It has left the parents in shock because they didn’t see the eighteen independence coming. Their children wake up at eighteen and their verbiage becomes words like, “I’m eighteen and you can’t tell me what to do.” Then a friend pulls their car into the driveway and your child, with luggage in hand, goes out gets in their car and off they go.

This all can be avoided if parents get help for their adopted child when they are young. If they are older then go get help now. Don’t be the parent that waits till things turn into a crisis!

Conclusion:

I realize this isn’t an encouraging subject but neither is a child leaving home way before they are reasonably ready. Please leave a comment so we can chat. Until next time…

Hi there I am Laurie. I trust you are having a good Holiday season. You’re probably in the middle of the Christmas rush as I am…This blog is for the adoptive and foster parents and parents of children with behavioral issues. Please check out some of my other posts.

My last post was about letting God fight your battles. This seems a good thing to do but how is it done? Check out my last post. It will help you.

Today’s post is about handling the day in and day out of living with a child who has RAD. How is this done? How can a parent handle the RAD symptoms from their children and not go crazy or get discouraged?

How is it done?

Well, if you have the answer please let me know. Living with RAD symptoms from a foster or adopted child definitely wears a parent out. There are days where you probably want to pull your hair out or give up. I understand. I was there at one time.

There are only a couple of suggestions I have for you:

Take regular breaks or nights off.

Go on a “get away” with friends or spouse occasionally without your children.

Steward your children instead of owning them.

Take Regular breaks or Nights Off:

When faced with a way of life that is grueling and won’t end soon, it is important to alleviate stress as best as you possibly can. Living with ongoing symptoms from an adopted RAD child, as we have already said, is draining. This is not good for your body, soul or spirit and it is ok to need regular breaks. Go out with friends. Laugh and connect with adults who are healthy and supportive. There is no room for guilt when you are doing it for your health and wellbeing. Your body and emotions need the break.

Get Away:

Then there are times when your body and emotions are crying out for an extended time away from RAD symptoms. Again, there is no guilt in needing to take care of yourself for a while. Your body will thank you and you will be able to come back with renewed vigor and ability to handle responsibilities with wisdom.

Steward Your Children – Don’t Own Them:

I have written on this subject before so I will give a brief description of what I mean. God owns everything on the earth. So, He owns you, me and our children plus all the problems that come with RAD. All the responsibility of or children rests on his shoulders.

We are stewards on behalf of our children. We are to parent our children according to what God wants. How do we do this?

Well I will just give an example. Possibly your children are doing the RAD things which include causing conflict in the family or making decisions which are dangerous. If God owns your children – then tell God what your children are doing and then ask Him what he is going to do about it. He owns everything and is ultimately responsible for them. He will take on the challenge.

It takes the burden off your shoulders and gives God the burden of RAD symptoms connected to our adopted children. Plus, realizing the power to change the heart of an adopted RAD child rest squarely on God’s shoulders. There is no power in ourselves which can produce the change which is necessary to heal our children.

Conclusion:

Blessings during your holiday season. Talk with you next time. Until then…

I’m thoroughly blessed to have this venue (of blogging) to reach out to parents who have children with disorders and behavioral issues. Whether it be adoptive, foster or biological parents, I want to connect and communicate together.

My last post was about adoptive mothers finding their control. I gave three areas of control adoptive mother’s have a right to expect. Please check it out.

Today I am talking about letting God fight for you when you feel you have tried every avenue to connect with your children. Connecting is a hard thing to do with a RAD adopted child. Believe me I have lived this and continue to let God fight for me.

What does letting God fight for you mean?

If you have a child who has behavioral issues such as RAD, ODD, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc. – I’m sure you know what I mean even before I explain myself. These disorders and syndromes are very difficult to navigate through. Many parents have expressed to me they don’t know what to do next. I have felt the same in the past.

Specifically, I want to address the innate desire of parents to try and fix their children. This is usually based on the fear that their children won’t live their life successfully. Their social skills have so much to be desired, they are immature and narcissistic, and they live in delusional thought processes.

It is obvious to us as their parents that the way they do life won’t work for them. But, our children are clueless on this subject. They think life will work for them just as it worked for them at home.

We the parents need to stop trying to fix them or their lives. We can’t even fix ourselves so why do we feel we can fix them. Only God has the ability to fix what is wrong in anyone.

Our children need to experience age appropriate life situations and fail at what they are doing. While they are still living in your home they need to fail and fall in a safe place. This HAS to happen over and over so life can teach them in preparation for the real world.

This is how God will fight for you. Acknowledge you don’t have the power to fix anything in yourself or them – then turn them over to a loving God. He will set things up to teach our beloved children so they can absorb what they need to learn.

God won’t control them because He doesn’t trespass a person’s will. But in collusion with us as the parents – He will hear our prayer requests and work in our children’s lives. He will fight for us on behalf of our children. He will provide life lessons we don’t have the ability to set up. We need to stand still and trust God will work on behalf of our adopted RAD children.

Of course I am talking about older children but this can work for our younger children too. Turning our children over to the hand of the Lord at school, sports, or anything they are in gives God many opportunities. Please let God fight for you in this way starting today.

Conclusion:

If we learn to let God fight for us – it also relives the stress we carry to parent effectively or (for some) perfectly. Stress can cause many physical sicknesses. We need to stay healthy if we are to parent these difficult children into their adulthood.

Well, that’s all for today. Please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you. Until next time…

Hi there. I’m Laurie the creator of this blog. This is the paragraph where I talk about helping foster and adoptive parents and parents of children with behavioral problems. Please have a look at my posts.

My last post was about empathy and sympathy and which is the one to use. One causes a fight and the other one doesn’t. Check it out.

Today I am going to talk about the control an adoptive mother is to have. This is a healthy control and is not to be confused with being controlling. Instead, it commands respect.

An adoptive or foster mother’s control:

There are three areas where you as a mother and wife (adoptive mother or not) you’re supposed to have control:

You are the only one who has control over yourself.

You and your husband have control over what is going to happen in your home.

You have control over how you are going to be treated in your home. Whether the treatment is from your husband or children.

You are the only one who has control over yourself:

If God isn’t controlling you then no one else should either. God gives us a free will and we all need to respect one another’s free will. If anyone is controlling or abusing you (any kind of abuse) – it is not ok.

If any abuse is happening to you then I encourage you to get some kind of help. There is too much domestic violence now a days. Women need to be able to protect themselves especially if the husband is refusing to protect you or is a narcissistic abuser.

Because many adopted children have some level of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) they have an uncanny ability to manipulate the adoptive father away from the adoptive mother. Adoptive father’s wake up and quit blaming your wife for your adopted RAD children’s symptoms and behaviors. They came with them. Protect your wife and recognize that your adopted children need help because they are very sick. Then apologize to your wife and show her the respect she deserves.

You and your husband have control over what is going to happen in your home:

Your adopted children do not pay the house bill. They may have a room in your house but they do not own their room. They are just using it till they move out.

The parents are the ones in a household who decide what happens in your home. You set the house rules and your children are to respect them and do what you and your husband decide. They need to learn this because when they get a job their boss will not care what they want because their business come first. If our children don’t cooperate then it is bye-bye.

You are in control over how you are treated by your husband and children:

I already said what I wanted to say about the husbands in the above paragraph. So, I will talk about the adopted children. Many adoptive mothers need reprieve from the destructive behaviors of their RAD adopted children.

Too many times adopted RAD children take their aggressions out on the adoptive mother. The adoptive mother can and should stand up for herself and not accept this behavior. But, it usually takes the adoptive father stepping in (drawing some lines in the sand) to shifting their behavior in the right direction.

Many adopted children who have RAD want to get the adoptive mother out of the house through divorce, separation and in some cases murdering the adoptive mother. Adoptive fathers wake up and see the manipulation and defend your wife. She deserves this kind of honor and respect. Wives – this is not too much to expect.

Conclusion:

Please comment on this post. I would love to converse with you. I’ll be here next time. Until then…