Protecting Children from Outside Influences

Adelaide knocked on our front door. I directed her into the family room where Imogen and Charlotte were playing, and her eyes opened wide with delight. A huge Barbie game was underway. The floor was awash with Barbies and Kens, Barbie furniture and cars, Barbie clothes and accessories… everything a doll and a little girl could wish for.

Adelaide chose several Barbies and soon she was immersed in the game. It wasn’t long before she was directing the action.

“Let’s pretend Ken breaks up with your Barbie. Now he’s going out with mine,” said Adelaide.

Imogen and Charlotte looked at the little girl with blank faces: break up? What did that mean? Ken and Barbie were married. They went to Mass and said grace, attended baptisms, went on picnics, homeschooled their children… Barbie and Ken might have been me and Andy. They certainly didn’t ‘break up’.

I didn’t really want my daughters playing ‘breaking up’ games with their dolls but I needn’t have worried. The whole concept must have passed over their heads, because soon another wedding was being arranged. Barbie and Ken were getting married yet again.

A couple of wonderful hours later, Adelaide’s mother arrived to take her home. All three little girls had had a great afternoon. I could tell that Adelaide had really enjoyed playing with Imogen and Charlotte and all their dolls.

But that was the only time Adelaide came to play. She never knocked on our front door again. I wondered if her mother had forbidden her to visit our house. But why? Weren’t we responsible and friendly people? Wasn’t our home considered a safe place for children? I pondered these questions for a long time. And then one day I had this thought: Maybe Adelaide told her mother about all the Masses Barbie and Ken went to. Perhaps she decided she didn’t want her daughter to be exposed to our strange Catholic ways.

I smile at that thought. It amuses me. But at the same time, I can understand why Adelaide’s mother might have worried. We all have values and beliefs we want to pass onto our children, and we don’t want them picking up something contrary to our own way of life. It seems Adelaide’s mother might have considered our family as a negative outside influence.

Friends aren’t the only outside influence. Music, TV, the Internet, billboards, books… These can all adversely affect our children. So how do we protect them?

When children are small it’s relatively easy to isolate them from anything we don’t like in the outside world. But what about older kids? I guess we could refuse to let them watch TV and use the Internet. Or have strict guidelines they must adhere to. We might insist on previewing every movie and book before we let our children anywhere near them. Perhaps we could make strict rules about friends and places they are allowed to go.

Or is there another way?

“There are a lot of negative influences out in the world. How do parents keep their kids safe,” I ask my older children. “Should they make a lot of rules to protect them?”

“Rules don’t work,” says Imogen. We’ve talked about this before. “Rules result in a power struggle between parents and children.”

“Parents could talk to their children, tell them their concerns, and point out what is right and what is wrong,” suggests Charlotte.

“But children might not want to listen,” I say. “What makes a child respect her parents’ opinions?”

“It’s all to do with family loyalty,” says Callum.

“Family?”

“Yes, a child needs to have a strong sense of belonging to his or her family. Family must be more important than outsiders. If it is, why shouldn’t a child listen to his parents rather than other people?”

But what gives a child that strong sense of belonging to a family? We did some brainstorming and came up with the following ideas…

A family has to be a safe place, where a child is unconditionally loved no matter what

Acceptance, no criticising, no talking negatively about someone, especially when they are absent

Forgive mistakes

Ask for forgiveness when we make our own mistakes

Listen to a child’s opinions and not make them feel stupid or put them down. Discussion keeps communication lines open. Forcing opinions on children closes them off

Parents must want to hear about and share a child’s interests. They must value what’s important to them

Family members should have interests in common, so they can do things together and discuss and enjoy working and playing together

A home must be a joyful and encouraging place so everyone wants to spend time together there as a family

When it comes to protecting my children from outside influences, I know I have it easier than some. I seem to have fairly quiet homebody kids and we live away from the city and all its temptations. The only children who live near us are a few preschoolers who are hardly likely to influence my brood.

So are my children safe? Can I guarantee they are protected from outside influences? No, I don’t think it’s possible for any parent to be absolutely sure of that. But I’m confident a strong sense of family, unconditional love and prayer will help. Yes, I trust.

But beware!

Those Barbie days are long gone, but our family can still be regarded as a negative outside influence. You see, we’re unschoolers, and everyone knows unschooling is a lazy, irresponsible way of life. Worse still, we seem to have let unschooling flow over into our parenting. We’ve become radical. Our children do what they like. We have no rules.

“My daughter (age 6) and I enjoyed The Angels of Abbey Creek immensely! The moment it ended, she begged to begin it again. We giggled our way through many chapters. Through some, we sighed in empathy and cuddled closer. Through all, we related to the delightful characters, our new friends, each brimming with personality, and the wonderful and humorously familiar circumstances they find themselves in… ” Charliene.

LOL at your last paragraph, Sue! I won't regard your children as 'wild', not the same as the norm maybe, but certainly not wild! 🙂 I think you've hit on a very important point during your discussion, i.e. about family loyalty. For us, the strength of family bond is paramount.

Very wild indeed! We could tell that from you podcast, too 🙂 I really like the second item on your family list – no negative talk about each other – that one is hard…but does make for a happier place to be. It's a good list to apply to our churches as well.

Thank you for listening to my podcast! Refraining from negative talk can be so difficult in any situation but yes, crucial if we want everyone to feel accepted, loved and happy. If we spent as much time building people up as we do tearing them down, the world would be a much better place. I like your thought about our churches. Yes!

There is simply no way I'd let my children associate with "radical, unschooling catholics" especially those that are modestly dressed, respectful and sweet, I mean seriously woman, some of us have standards. All joking aside, when I read you jokingly describe them as wild I actually snorted my cuppa … lol

I love your list too. Homeschooling really enforces a strong family bond most of the time … we are so lucky to have the choice to do so in our countries.

I'm glad you snorted your cuppa. (That makes me laugh!) Some people might have taken me seriously. I did consider that just before I hit 'publish'!

I am also so grateful we can homeschool our kids and so strengthen those family bonds. I imagine that sense of family will be so important for The Fashionista as she spreads her wings and flies off to school this year. It'll keep her safe and connected to you. What an adventure she is going to have!

Long ago in high school I learned that the first five years of a person's life are the most important. How they are nurtured and developed through that nurturing affect how well they handle the rest of their life. I don't know if the child development experts adhere to that theory anymore, but I think there's something to it. The unconditional love the family members give to the baby, toddler, and small child allows the child to have the confidence to explore, to learn, to do, and to be. As the child moves into the world, the love and confidence are strong within, and she's able to handle bad influences accordingly. She intuitively knows what's right and wrong. And should she go wrong, she eventually finds a way to correct it. What may break her faith in that unconditional love though is if the child meets a succession of horrible traumas without love to help her through them….. Gee, Sue, you sure have a way of getting to think. 🙂 Earlier this morning the Husband and I were talking about something similar to your topic.

I think you are so right about a child's need for unconditional love, especially in the first five years. I think that's the basis to attachment parenting which I practised with all my children. I haven't read any recent child development books so I don't know if these ideas have changed, but they make sense to me. I used to read William Sears' parenting books years ago and I'm sure this is the topic he wrote about.

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I’m Sue Elvis. I blog and podcast about unschooling, parenting, and family life.

Welcome! I’m so glad you are here because I want to tell you about something very special: the LOVE and JOY of living an unschooling way of life!

A few facts: I live in NSW, Australia. I have a large family. We’ve been homeschooling/unschooling for over 25 years. My current stories are mostly about my four youngest daughters who are teenagers and young adults. However, there are plenty of stories here about when my children were at the younger stages of their lives.

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