Monday, June 04, 2007

The Douchebag Checklist

I write a lot about douchebag guys on this site. And no doubt the vast, vast majority of you dudes out there reading this see that description and go “No way. That’s DEFINITELY not me. I’m a cool guy who gets ass without looking like an idiot to everyone else. But boy are those guys White Dade is talking about a bunch of jagoffs!” Hey Bro, look up. Chances are I am talking about you.

As a veteran of nightlife in two of the douchebag capitals of America, Southern California and Miami, I’ve seen a lot. Generally I will be sitting at a bar, or sometimes a restaurant, the gym or a baseball game, and be listening to a guy spit his pathetic “game” and begin to predict what he will start talking about next as I check them off mentally in my mind. It is almost comical how, once the first douchebag move is made, I can accurately predict the rest of his comments for the duration of the evening. Here, friends, is generally what to look for to ascertain whether or not you are, in fact, a douchebag.

Am I wearing a striped shirt? I know this is cliché, but you rarely see douchebags going out in a plain T-Shirt and jeans. Or gym clothes, as I prefer.

Am I trying to impress you with something nearby? As in “Hey, look at me, I am so worthy of sleeping with, I have my very own TABLE at this moderately-overpriced club! A TABLE! I know you can buy one at Target for $5.99, but I have one HERE! Just like the other 87 ‘VIP’s in this club! Wanna come back three with me and then have sex?” It can also include improved seats at a sporting event (and I blame no girl for taking advantage of this, but for the love of God never sleep with a man who gets you 27 rows behind third base), a table at a restaurant or, if you’re really classy, bumped to the front of the karaoke line.

Am I promising to help her career? Oh, you’re a bartender? Well my friend Rick owns (fill in well-known trendy club here), I can get you a job there if you want. You can make like 500-1000 a night. Just call me tomorrow.” This is what guys use in cities that are not LA. In LA it is even more disgusting as apparently, and I was not aware of this tactic, but apparently all the top producers in Hollywood send their slightly balding twentysomething friends to hotel bar-lounges to scope out new talent. And wouldn’t you know it, every girl in there is “perfect for Steven’s new project.” I not sure how every girl who gives one of this guys a blowjob in the men’s room isn’t living in Malibu yet.

Am I dropping names? I used to go with my then-girlfriend to the aforementioned Hollywood hotel lounges and listen to the absolutely ludicrous bullshit spewed by some guys. Until then, I had no idea Jerry Bruckheimer was doing projects with so many people. Nor was I aware that Babyface made records with dorky white guys. My favorite was a guy who told a girl he was working with Brandon Tartikoff trying to develop a show. A good year after he died. But it can be even more pathetic, trying to drop names of Club Promoters, DJ’s, D-List celebrities that are shooting a movie in town, or anyone else you may have shared an elevator with once 9 years ago.

Have I mentioned what kind of car I drive? This, of course, applies only if you drive a car that you think impresses women. If you drive a Saturn, it’s funny. If you drive a Porsche, you are a douchebag.

Have I mentioned my salary? This really should be item #1. Any guy with any confidence knows he never has to mention his income to get laid.

Have I bragged about anything? Included in the first two, if you talk about your awesome apartment, your cool friends or your high-powered job, or anything else you think is impressive, you are a douchebag. Most girls I know find bragging to be a turnoff on par with talking excessively about your mother. Most are not impressed by what you do or what you have, but by how you act. You can be confident without telling people that you are.

Am I feigning modesty? Bragging about something and then apologizing for it is still wanton dougebaggerey. As in “Yeah, I mean I kinda make like $200,000 a year. I don’t know why they pay me so much, it’s a job I’d do for fun. But, hey. Who’s gonna turn down money. Would you like another Belevedere Cosmo?” Never mentioning it at all is modesty.

My point today is this: If you are trying to get laid, get a girls’ number or maybe just trying to pique her interest, TALK AS LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF AS POSSIBLE. This not only makes you attentive and a good listener (even if you forget every word she says, including her name) but it gives you an aura of mystery. And, most importantly, you do not look like a pathetic douchebag trying to get laid and will not incur the mockery of guys like me and whatever girl I’m with that I’m sure you would sadly try and impress with little success were I not around. Or if I got up to get a drink. So keep your mouth shut, guys. You’ll be surprised trying to be unimpressive will get you.

6 Comments:

Typical A-Team Night at The Vern:I have my very own table in The Tavern. Oh, you like beer? My boy Neal the Bartender will hook you up. I know you can’t keep you hands off of us baby. One of us is probably wearing some sort of Stroh’s shirt, the other in workout gear and the other is wearing some stupid novelty t-shirt that more than likely says, “It’s always dirtier down south” and $5 aviator sunglasses even though it’s 11pm. Oh you don't want a piece? Fuck you, have some Super Pitcher. Tastes like Amber Bach doesn't it? More like chewed up gum and the backwashed dregs of 7 other different pitchers. Screw this, I'm going to Groovies for a slice.