Republican Presidential hopefuls Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney have reached a critical point in the election season. A do or die moment. They've both made an intractable decision that will impact their legacies forever: they've picked their Secret Service code names. And both of them are delightfully, obliviously phallic.

GQrevealed that the two frontrunners for the GOP Presidential nomination have chosen for themselves nicknames that would get them laughed right out of a middle school cafeteria. Rick Santorum, that Allegheny Holy Roller, has chosen "Petrus," a biblical reference to Peter, the founder of the Church that both doubles as slang for "cock" and adequately represents the candidate's staggering delusions of grandeur. He's founding America: The Church! and we're all invited and if we don't go we'll be stoned to death! Per Petrus!

Mitt Romney has chosen Javelin as his nickname, which is a reference to the name of a car model manufactured by the company of which his father was the CEO. It's also a long straight thing that high school track athletes sometimes put between their legs while making a humping motion to the delight of their teammates.

In most cases, candidates and their families are assigned nicknames rather than given the option to choose. In 2008, John McCain was called "Phoenix" by his Secret Service detail. Nancy Reagan was known as "Rainbow." Bill Clinton was known as "Eagle," and the current First Family is known as "Renegade" (Barack), "Renaissance" (Michelle), "Radiance" (Malia), and "Rosebud" (Sasha). Meghan McCain was known as "Peter Sellers" on the 2008 campaign trail. Todd and Sarah Palin were known as Driller and Denali, respectively. I hope against hope that Todd didn't choose "Driller" for himself, because that makes huge crowds of people shouting "Drill Baby Drill!" at Sarah seem even more pornographic.

Code names aren't actually necessary anymore in the age of encrypted messages, and thus talking about them isn't actually putting anyone in danger. Even though the practice is now obsolete, he Secret Service has held onto the tradition because it's entertaining and gives us another reason to make fun of Rick Santorum.