Friday, July 03, 2009

The "2009 BD Award"

If you scan the web, you will find several “bull shit generators” such as this one or this. These are indispensable tools to survive in the corporate world and to talk your way through. Without this in your armoury you are practically walking around naked, and will soon be dead too.

But, the good news is that, once you have mastered these tools and internalised it (see how I sneaked in one of the BS words), then the words start flowing effortlessly on their own. If you wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me what my business plan is, my rapid response would be” We are going to re-configure the processes and re-calibrate the metrices. We will clearly measure the deliverables, and then switch to delivering the measurables”. You get my point. Speaking such nonsense becomes second nature. I don’t need to outline any tangible plans .

And the beauty is that no one can question or find any fault in any of my statements. Will you dare disagree with me and say that “delivering the measurables” is not the right strategy?

For the youngsters among you, aspiring to become such garbage-spouting corporate leaders one day and seeking role models , my advice is that you should carefully read the “If I were the FM series” published by Livemint. Once every few days, a corporate leader is asked to reveal what would be the main issues he would tackle if he were to present the Union Budget on July 6th. Each of them has come up with mind-boggling fluff that not even the best of BS generators would be able to produce. Look no farther to choose your role models.

One worthy has stated,” Government should continue investment and accountability in infrastructural development, take comprehensive steps to address health and take broad steps in taxation, logistics, infrastructure”.

Another has pontificated: “Inclusive growth means a growth strategy where the aspirations of both India and Bharat are taken care of. (We should) initiate financial sector reforms for the development of a vibrant capital market.

A third declares authoritatively: Allocating higher expenditure for social sectors along with private sector partnerships to work towards sustainable incomes, education for all and health and medical services for all at affordable costs will receive topmost priority.

Yet another preaches: There is a need to define an ecosystem that will help track and realign implementation of policy reforms and increase speed of execution.

Ladies and gentlemen, the “2009 Bull-Diarrhea award” goes to, “To improve our current precarious fiscal situation, we have to look at both offensive and defensive aspects. We have to try to raise revenue, without raising taxes, and cut unnecessary expenses.”