“Screw the help desk! The help desk never helps at all!”~ Oscar Wilde on his anger on Tech Support.

“Have you tried rebooting? No? Press these keys: CTRL+W then Shift+Alt+PrintScreen+enter, then while holding those down, do the hokie pokie. Once you're done turning yourself around...”

~ Outsourced underpaid indians on Oscar Wilde

Technical support is a crisis line, ran by some companies to provide the assistance in mind calming and stress relief that may be necessary after dealing with they products, people and websites. Like any other psychological service, support never actually solves (or even tries to solve) your problem; it is not they area of competence. Instead, they are highly competent in raising you self esteem so you could take yourself into hands and find yourself the way to get the product working. One of the tricks to achieve this is to show that the support guy or girl knows even less about the product leave alone about your problem. A good starting point is to demonstrate complete unawareness on which problems are possible, which products they may need to support, which company do they belong and how at the end have they got into this planet, immediately forced to talk with some horrible local creature, you. The best known support phrases, common in software community, are RTFM (Read The FriendlyManual) and STFW (Search The FriendlyWeb)[1]. Big companies that sell expensive products have they own ways just to tell you just the same in a more verbose way.

Uh oh. Maybe you shouldn't have flirted on that webcam...Time to call Tech Support.

Contents

The Invention of Tech Support

Tech Support was invented by Satan nearly 20 years ago, as a place to store lost souls whilst the 7 Spheres of Hell were being refurbished. Since then, it has been driving people up the wall and causing heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms, and STDs. Tech Support has proved such a great success that it has become a staple method of modern torture, utilized by petty despots around the world.

Tech Support Workers

Tech Support workers are some of the most bitter individuals you will never, ever meet. This is due to the fact they don't make enough money for helping you, and despite all the nice bullshit they tell you, they really do not give a rat's ass about your problem, you, or even your mom. This has led Tech Support to become one of Satan's leading tools of torture.

Users Are Stupid

Sometimes this effective form of torture backfires and the victims themselves become the ones actually conjuring up a living Hell. Nonetheless, Tech Support is a very safe and fun experience that any damned soul can sign up for at the local torture office.