The universe has mucho fun with me and lines at banks, grocery stores, etc.

If I'm at a bank to deposit a check (which has only one teller working, of course), the one or two people in front of me conduct some complex transactions involving Swiss bank accounts or business deals with some European cartels.

If I'm at a grocery store (like today) I pass up the lines with people who have $300 worth of food in their cart and slide in behind a guy who has only two or three items (and he's next up). Then things grind to a stop because the guy wants some money back from his card and the cashier has to call the manager and wait and call the manager again and wait until a manager wearing an oxygen tank finally shows up to turn a key. Meanwhile the next line filled with old geezers is being cranked out at incredible speed.

Even if I do things backwards like George did once on Seinfeld and get in the long lines, something still happens and everything grinds to a halt, e.g., the paper tapes run out, the cash drawer breaks, the person doesn't have enough money, or even a key falls under the conveyer belt and they have to dissassemble it. Moral: don't ever stand in a line that I'm in--and I've frequently told that to people behind me who are getting impatient.

Finally, in some weird way, when I'm ready to check out at a store, there's a sudden surge for the lone cashier and I'm fourteenth in line. As soon as I leave, there's nobody in the store. And you think I'm paranoid?

The one where you walk up to the checkout and there's only one person standing there, and she has only a couple of items.

Then she turns and smiles sweetly at you, and asks you pretty please would it be okay and would you mind if she ran down the aisle and picked up one little tiny thing she forgot, and she'll be right back, won't take more than a second to find what she wants....

And of course, you say yes. And of course, she disappears, and several minutes later you're still standing there, and you and the cashier are staring at each other, but the cashier can't do anything because she's already in the middle of the woman's transaction. And the woman is nowhere to be seen.

I did have someone go through the checkout process and then announce that he'd left his checkbook in his car and he'd be right back. Luckily I had only one item and the correct amount of change, which I gave the cashier and walked out before she could say anything.

Reminds me of last year. I crossed the border into Canada to buy juice from a presshouse to mkae some wine. Due to construction on the Canadian side of the bridge, I had to detour about 2 miles down a muddy dirt road. Of course I got into the line where the customs inspector was taking 5-10 minutes with each car. Finally, after 45 minutes, I pull up to him, he enters my license number in the computer, walks around my 7 year old minivan, looking in all the windows and asks me "Geez, buddy, a nice car like this - don't you ever clean it it?"