Saturday, April 07, 2007

So the highlight of my day today was the time I spent with my father. I had been telling myself that I would take at least 1 or 2 weekends a month to spend some time with him, but our schedules really wouldn't allow that to happen. Today, we finally got it together, and I drove out there to see him this afternoon. I've spoken about this before, but to a certain degree I still have a bit of fear of my father. He's administered plenty of ass whippings, that I still remember all too well. Plus, I am in an eternal state of seeking his approval, so that leads to me to be a bit self conscious when I am with him. It has gotten better, but I think until he dies, I will have a bit of that with me. So I had a bit of anxiety when I stepped into the house, but this immediately subsided when he gave me that first strong hug and kiss (on the cheek). Once I got in the house, I stood in the kitchen drinking green tea, and he sat down at the kitchen table, and we remained in that position for 2 hours while we talked. We talked about Don Imus, we sized up the 2008 Presidential candidates, we of course talked about sports, we talked about his late father, and we talked about my brother and his happy family. A couple of times I would look at him and say to myself, damn I love this man, and I don't know what the hell I would do without him. He was oblivious to this, but then again, since he IS my father maybe he saw and recognized it.

After the conversation, my father made me some salmon and a salad, and we both sat at the table, and talked about my friends, me being single still, and whether I would consider leaving the area. I didn't know whether he was just making conversation or trying to drop me hints, but knowing him it was probably the latter. He has said to me before, that I should be doing much more in the writing field, and I need to stop selling myself short by not fulfilling this to the fullest. He spared me that convo today, but I felt it coming anyway, so I was elated when my mother called me to ask if I was still coming to her house tonight in preparation for church tomorrow, and I said yes. It was weird having the one parent who raised me on the phone, and the other one right in front of me, neither one of them knowing what was going on. I've long since given up on the notion that my parents would reconcile..I think at this point it would really suck...i'm used to getting clarity and sound decisions from my father, and emotion and spiritual guidance from my mother. If my worlds were to collide by way of their reunion, their roles would get all jumbled up, and I would be imbalanced. Selfish? Undoubtedly, but 'tis the way I feel. I'm rambling..

Anyway, our visit concluded the same way all my visits with my father have gone since I left home for college at age 17. He hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek, said he loved me, patted my back two times, and then followed me to the car. He stayed on the driver's side as I started the car, and waited for me to roll down the window, and he waved goodbye. Then as I left his driveway, he walked down to the bottom of the driveway, and waited until right before he was out of my sight, and waved once again, and i did the same. Why is this significant? His father never did that kind of thing with him, when he would visit..except one day. One this one day, my grandfather walked my dad out, walked to the bottom of the driveway, and waved as me(3 years old), my brother (a few months old) and my parents drove away. The next day my grandfather died in his sleep of a heart attack..So my father now takes it upon himself to do that, and our visits are not officially over until that happens.

This woman I used to date a while back used to call me a Daddy's boy, and I used to vehemently argue against it, because I didn't like the way it sounded. But I now, I'll claim that title and then some. I'm a Daddy's boy, and will be until he leaves this earth.

3 comments:

Rashad I think it is so sweet how you openly express your love and admiration of your father. Oh and I agree with your Dad... tell your current employer to kiss your arse and go on to do what you love doing.

P.S. When you turn in your resignation please let me know... I want a front row seat. I promise to bring snacks. :)

BTW You always stand when you are threatened . . .you used to do that at work all the time . . .and the staff couldn't figure out why.

It keeps you cut off and set apart.

It's as if you are afraind of letting down your guard if you are too relaxed or comfortable . . .like you have to stand to feel somehow in cotrol . . .

I have to tell you, you are sooo much more cooler when you sit down, chill, and lose control . . . It really does look good on you.

All that just to say, I am glad you are able to sit down (instead of stand) and have 2 hour long convos with me. Clearly you DO NOT find me threatening nor do you have a fear of losing control . . .that's a good thing - a good thing indeed!