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Eliza: In the Void

The process of continuing to release everything of the old continues. Right now, I feel rather like I am within a complete void. Nothing makes sense any more. I am letting loose the old labels of way shower, light worker, anchor of light and everything else that I’ve identified with in the last several years. I do not resonate to any of it anymore and it would appear that little which I write now resonates with many people either, at least those who are still seeking answers from others “out there”.

Should I continue to write?

If I go within, the answer is “Yes!” So, I will continue to write for myself even if no one else cares to read my work. This is a very individual process that each of us is currently undergoing. I can only speak to what I am feeling and doing as I respond to the moment.

In response to this current feeling of being out of the flow of what appears to be happening, I am suspending any plans to leave my job and move to Costa Rica in the near future. Yesterday, and indeed in the past couple of weeks, I have come to realize that I have been, again, following the dream of another. It does not matter if they claim to be a soul sister or brother. If it is their dream and not your own, you are still being untrue to your own journey.

It would seem a bit selfish of me perhaps in light that I could possibly help others on their journey, but this dream was not one that emerged from my own heart. And so I walk alone, again, in a void.

What prompted this change of heart was concern about my furry friends. I could not contemplate carrying them off to a foreign land as both are of senior age and it would be very stressful for them. Never mind that the move would also be stressful for me. Being of a particularly sensitive nature as I am, I do not respond well to huge changes.

I have discovered a great pocket of inner resistance within myself to the idea of moving to Central America. It is what it is. One can give it a label and declare that I’m afraid or resistant to change, but that’s not how I feel. I was contemplating doing something that just does not resonate with my inner being and need to respect the feeling for what it is, my intuition telling me that this direction is NOT the one for me to follow, now. Perhaps later, but not now.

I went to Costa Rica because I bought non-refundable tickets in response to some things that I was told by another person. Having spent a considerable amount of money for my tight budget, I was committed to the journey. Before two days passed during the trip, my original plans were completely changed, through the influence of yet another person. It was an interesting trip, but left me feeling unfulfilled as I did not get to see as much as I had wanted to after I got there.

I felt uncomfortable in Costa Rica not being conversant in Spanish, but it was more than that obvious limitation. I did not resonate with the degree of extreme poverty that I witnessed in Costa Rica. The contrasts between rich and poor there are huge. And the presence of rich Gringos, primarily living in gated communities or staying in exclusive resorts also did not resonate with me.

I would like to travel more and understand that part of my apparent discomfort stemmed from a lack of planning on my part, as well as a tendency to give in to the whims of my charming traveling companion. So, I intend to study more languages so I can feel more at ease when I travel and plan a bit more the next time I venture forth from the borders of my known world. The same understanding can apply to stepping forth into worlds that you cannot see with your physical eyes. There, the knowledge of how to navigate exists within. One can only access that inner wisdom by letting go of expectations. The contrast between physical travel and inner travel couldn’t be more different, but in some ways they are the same. One is stepping out of the known and into the unknown or rather, the still to be remembered. It takes courage to do both. Both methods of “travel” expand one’s horizons and awareness of the world, whether inner or outer.

Before I went to Costa Rica, I thought of the possibility of settling there in my retirement. Now, however, having been there, I find it doesn’t suit. Perhaps some other part of the world will resonate more… I have a standing invitation to go to France. The ancient and modern cities of Europe might appeal more if I can discover a way to live there on a strict budget. I can at least go and see what does resonate and what does not. I may discover that I become quite the rover, ever seeking and never finding. I feel no loyalty to place any more, just to my animals as they are my family right now.

Am I being a traitor to my own heart? I don’t think so. When I let go of these plans yesterday, my heart lifted immediately like I let go of a burden that wasn’t mine to keep. All I can do is respond to how I feel, not what is desired of me or for me by others.

Last night as I attempted to go to sleep with the boom and crackle of fireworks resounding in my ears, I called on the Angels. They responded immediately, “We are ever with you!” And indeed they are. I no longer feel that they are “out there” but have integrated into my awareness. I do not feel I need to channel their messages which, at least these days, have a tendency to be more personal and supportive in nature. They are simply letting me know that I am not alone even though I am currently on a physically solo journey.

As I have said before in my writings, I do not want to be a guru or teacher for anyone. I need to follow my own inner compass even if it leads into places where others would prefer not to go.

I shall continue to write, if only to express my current feelings, but am letting go the need to please anyone else. So the stats on my blog are falling. It no longer matters to me. So what I have to write is apparently not of any relevance to anyone else. It does not matter to me. I am what I am. I am becoming more of my Self even as each moment allows for greater integration and assimilation of my higher essence.

I even have looked at a couple of unfinished paintings in my little art corner and expressed an interest to explore that area of expression once more. I am returning to myself and to my Self. It is all that one can manage in these days of tremendous change in the outer world.

I see myself as a tiny pool of calm within a crazy world. What goes on “out there” is of little concern to me now. How I feel within does matter. I am the creator of my own world. Eventually, perhaps, others will arrive who share my dream because it is theirs, also. Meanwhile, I will continue on as I am, exploring my inner world solo. Perhaps someday I will discover that I’ve been walking in a parallel path with another and then we can both walk together, if it suits in the Now. Meanwhile, I am not going to define myself with any labels or purpose that may have come before. The Void is actually a good place to be and one in which I shall immerse myself come the day when I drop this physical vessel and step into new worlds beyond this one.

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32 thoughts on “Eliza: In the Void”

in the void is such a good description of were I am…… my day seems to flow from bed to the garden & back to bed. I find myself less likely to seek the company of others, i want to be quiet & in the quiet of nature. As I hear about others trips & plans, I am confused by the need to “Go” somewhere else… it seems weird to talk to most people right now, as their “plans” and my lack of any seem to make conversations strange. It feels like whatever is happening with me right now, is not visible to anyone else & I just need to be as quiet & calm as I can be. All sorts of old stuff has been coming up , i feel it & let it go.
I was approached by my old employer, they wanted to offer me a position (actually higher than the one I retired from) to come back to work. As easy as it would be to take on that role again, I realized that I am no longer that person. My ego was flattered & gloated a bit, because what I had seen (and told them about) has come to pass, this 3 years later. There is no going back, I don’t know what is up ahead, but I do know I can’t return to what I used to be……this is for sure a strange journey, I love reading your thoughts about your journey, while different, the same ……….
In LOVE & LIGHT,
Karen

I have been in that void often. Changes within me have taken me down different paths, and like you I am still finding the next path that I feel comfortable walking. During my life, I have found many dear friends who have placed their dream of life within me, I have moved to different states, only to find out I was not living my life but theirs. I enjoyed the different states, but my heart was not accepting the lifestyle as my own. I even thought about living in Hawaii, but that was not my dream, but my dear friend, even though it is beautiful there, it was quite spend. I talked with many who transferred there as it was their dream, but said it was so expensive to get anywhere in life and most shared housing with five or six others and still was living on little of nothing. I decided after trying so many times to find my place in life, that I would sit back and let God continue to lead me and not worry about others and their place in life. I am most happy just being a caring person and loving life the way I am suppose to. I see the beauty in nature and throughout the world, but each of the paces, also have their ugliness also, which I find hard to enjoy my self when I travel. Now when I decide to vacation, I refuse to see the ugliness, but to enjoy the beauty, as it was meant to be. I do not watch television or listen to all the madness and craziness of our system, but rather stay within the realm of my serenity that I surround myself in. Finding oneself is not easily because their are too many influences in and around us. But every day I am living for me and enjoying less stress in my life. I truley hope that you take the time to find your place in life, as I am finding mine. Love you sister and friend, keep writing I am enjoying your thoughts and your journey.

Thank you, friend and former co-worker. I treasure the memory of our little chats together. I agree with your thoughts, it’s better to be true to ourselves rather than following the dreams of others. Much love, Eliza

Eliza: I appreciate your taking the time to journal your journey. I like to read about your thought process and how you arrive at your present place. Keep on keeping on. Your journey is helping mine.
Peace to you – virginia

Stay true to your own heart my dear Eliza and only to your own heart. This is what matters, not what others tell you to be true. It is their truth and maybe not yours.
I am facing early retirement at the end of this month. Too early to have a good pension, but due to my own health it is the only option I have. I trust my team, my Twin and my HS that all is taken care of. I am looking forward to be free from that work and maybe one day to go home to my true original world. Maybe this year or next year, I don’t know.
I am glad you are back to being yourself.
My love and blessings are with you
Isabel

Thank you, dear Isabel. We’ve both been through the wringer these past couple of years. I hope your health will improve with rest now that you will be retiring. I’m not sure just when I will retire now, but I’ll let things unfold for now. My best wishes to you and yours.

Dear Eliza
As usual beautiful sharing.
In the void with you dear sistar.
But with such excitement for all that is to come, and the knowledge in my heart that it will unfold for the highest good of all of us, and it will be magical.
Love Ya!
❤️
Maria

Thank you Eliza for continuing to journal and sharing with us. I have followed for some time now,
and am every grateful for your realizations of self. It helps to see that everything is mutable and
in the NOW. It is what it is, and ever will be, as long as one will follow the promptings of their
heart. Your writings help in seeing how change changes everything.
LOL
Cheryl

Thank you,Eliza for continuing your blog. I’m happy you are still going to be here for a while. I like reading about your decision-making process, and applaud you for being true to yourself. What else matters, after all!
Love,
Akankha

Isn’t there something to be said for the grace of feeling good in your own skin and not feeling compelled to “escape” to some far-flung place?

(I lived abroad for 12 years. It was about half my life ago. I had amazing adventures, lots of fun, grew tremendously in ways I never could have had I never left my native country. Let me tell you, though, no matter how you well you are integrated into the community in the foreign country, no many how many natives are your friends — even your dear friends — you will never be considered a true member of that community by those people, never ever.)

I consider the ability to read what you have to say (or think) to be a great blessing in my life. And I deeply thank you for your generosity in sharing your thoughts with us.

Dear Eliza. I so understand everything you expressed as I am having the same feelings and have recently changed my entire spiritual focus from what it was before. I didn’t plan to make this change, it just happened. I haven’t meditated, read any books or blogs (except for yours). Normally I would feel a sense of something missing but I feel as though I just need to live my life as though I’m a leaf floating along a brook and I’m just letting it take me where ever it goes. I feel like a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders and I’m enjoying just taking things as they come. I am so pleased you decided to continue with your blog. I look forward to it. Thank you. God Bless us all ! Jan

Dear Eliza, This is again your reader who does not generally post comments but I find that I feel compelled to say a little something regarding the part of your post where you mentioned that the stats on your blog are falling and you were wondering if what you have to say resonates with anyone any longer. My take is that the stats falling has nothing whatever to do with the relevance of your comments to other folks. I think it has everything to do with it being “a sign of the times”. I think that many, many people that have been traveling the spiritual path for a while are going in to the void, so to speak and simply not reading as much but instead spending time quietly with themselves. I still delight in hearing of your adventures but I no longer do very much reading of other blogs. I too have entered the void. Don’t know exactly when it was but I do know that I keep pulling inside myself further and further. I would say that I am quite aware that the answers I seek are within myself and do not expect to find them on someone’s blog but I’m not even sure that is quite correct. I have seemingly lost track of what the questions even were that I found so burning a few years back. I live quietly in a small midwestern town with my two married daughters and their young daughters living within a mile of me. My immediate family (which also includes 7 horses and 2 donkeys along with an assortment of dogs and cats) comprises the vast majority of my time. I have no interest whatever in the culture and news that seems to occupy most people’s time and efforts. I am committed to living from my heart each and every day, whatever it looks like that day. I have no idea of what the future holds and have no particular plans nor ambitions. I was once a successful scientist but can no longer imagine working in that career. Actually, I cannot imagine myself working in any career these days. It has all truly lost its luster for me. I only desire to surround myself with nature and with family and a few close friends. So maybe many of your readers have entered the void along with me and just don’t do as much reading these days. I do hope you will continue to write on your blog. I truly do delight in following your adventures and am quite grateful that you are brave enough to share them knowing that you are a highly sensitive empath. I know that you will find your heart’s path in the coming times. It just isn’t time quite yet.
Namaste, Sharon

Beautifully, expressed Eliza! You are not alone ever! And yes! The void is a fine place to be! It is only about you n your creation, it’s okay to explore better than just stooping in wonder! Costa Rica is a beautiful place just like any other place but maybe not for you? We accept you as you are n love you as you are were ever you are ! I appreciate your honesty and your commitment in sharing but please don’t feel forced or obligated let it come out naturally n from your heart , it will be more fulfilling , like your art or photography . I have benefitted from your writing because at times it’s been an expression of how I feel at times it’s open doors for me spiritually . You have in a sense released the energy of your inner knowingness and reached the inner wisdom of my being ! We may not have ever met in a physical but I know your there! Be at peace be happy we hear you! Much love Billie

Your blog and the beautiful and insightful comments all together are, for me, making the Blue Dragon Journey into a community of like souls and I feel a wonderful connection. Times ago you was my Way Shower and Sister walking ahead of me, preparing my following steps. Now You are gathering all those marvelous souls in this Void in which we All are One and preparing Ourselves and Each Other for what is to come next……I am deeply grateful for your sharing. I know more that I really am not alone. I will not ‘wait’ for the next one. We All are in this together and I am sure that whenever you feel the urge for sharing it will be The Right Time, at least for me.
sending you all my Love
Jet

In that still voice of God you do reside!!!!
When you reconnect with unconditional love, (in higher dimensions) no place IS the place.
I wish you the feelings of breathlessness, and bliss with every breath you take.
Loving Blessings.

Just finding your blog today and moved by the honesty of your experience. I was in a very similar void earlier this year. I also had urges to travel that quickly fell away as I realized they were not actually “mine.” All my ambitions and desires just fell away and it did become hard to have conversations and interactions with people who were not in this space. I just wanted to be in my silence and quiet. Within the last few months this has void feeling has subsided and in its place is a more service-oriented mindset where a deeper level of learning is taking place. These are the ebbs and flows I suppose, of our individual journeys. It seems each spiral uncovers something deeper and more beautiful than the last go-around. Sending you kudos in celebration of your voice and persistence ~Blessings~

As long as you write, we will read of your journeys, whether internal or out in the world. I love the transparency of your thought process and reflections, and that you are not afraid to change your mind, and go with what feels right to you.

The void…perhaps we have some influence from Neptune/Pisces or Cancer? Flowing with change, we can float in the void, as many of us prefer to do lately. I long to lie on a beach and float. It is accessible to me, but taking transit to get there causes me to delay. I just don’t want to be in the fray right now. Being in my own space, in the void, is nicer place to being in the spin-out of over-thinking. I am stepping back and observing my own thought process lately, and starting to understand my co-creative role in the roller-coaster of change.

The beauty of free will is that we can choose, and choose again. May we all let our hearts guide us.

Love,
Phoenix

“The Way is easy, save for picking and choosing.”
-small sign on a path at Green Gulch Zen Center, Marin County, CA

Hi Eliza, I highly value your sharing, and it’s not because I see you as a teacher or Guru, but because you tell the Truth, about your journey, about everything. I too find myself never fitting in to the current “ascension” paradigms, and what everyone else is saying and doing. I’ve had to leave so many groups and teachers, because it did not fit with what I heard within my own heart and knowing. So I walk a path with no “titles” and usually no company, yet seeking the True Path within my heart, the Truth of Who I Am and why I’m here, is more important than anything. I find the journey lonely and difficult, with occasional bursts of Light, yet I must continue. So all this to say that I look forward to your blog more than any other that I read, because you tell the truth about your journey and what you are going through, all the painful parts as well as the High and beautiful. So I thank you and I honor you for that. I for one will keep valuing your writings as long as you continue to post.

I have been following your blog/journal for quite a while. I love your heartfelt openness and authenticity. What you have expressed in this post resonates deeply. I have also walked away from offers, roles, experiences, situations which may have been perceived as crazy. As you have so beautifully articulated, following our inner guidance and living our personal truth is what matters most as we continue to merge into the wholeness of all that we are.