Like this:

So here I am – taking a moment to jot down some thoughts. Sometimes, at least for me, putting things to (virtual) paper helps me sort them out. I have been doing a little bit of self-reflection off and on throughout my very busy days lately. I am extremely focused on a project or task and then all of a sudden I get a fleeting thought of self. I think of my job, my family, my friends, my partner, my kids, my home, my finances and so on. My thoughts of self lately have been of my partner, my boyfriend, my man – all the same, by the way. Now…he may read this, he may not – I’m assuming not – but either way, I’ve got to get them out of my head.

I think I’m a huge pain to live with. I’m highly independent, opinionated, and pretty set in my ways. I lived on my own as a single parent for many years. I learned to do things 100% on my own. No help, thank you very much. I didn’t have family around to help, friends who could be called upon to come running if I needed it. It was all me: Provider, Protector, Disciplinary, Maid, Cook, Nurse, Accounts Payable, Psychologist, Friend, General Contractor, Plumber, Waste Management Specialist, Party Planner, Mother. That being said, when someone comes into my life, I have to make room for them. That’s apparently not very easy for me. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but I’m also a creature of habit and not so great at adjusting for someone other than my children. In fact, I’m not sure I ever have.

Flash forward to the last year and a half. I was lucky enough to meet an amazing man who quickly swept me off my feet. He is completely opposite of what I “thought” my type was, though my own vision of what my type was has never been spot on. 🙂 Anyway….what got me was his “core”. I know, sounds hokey. He is just a solid, real, genuine guy who loves his friends and family. He’s loyal and loving and has a huge heart. He’s not too hard on the eyes either, for what it’s worth. He happens to be quite a bit younger than me as well. It was an issue for me in the beginning, but he has a maturity to him that surpasses many older than him in age. He’s an old soul, truly. His family loves me and my family and we love them back. It’s as if we’ve been part of each other’s lives forever.

All that being said, the most noteworthy information is about how he treats me. He treats me like a queen. I don’t know why, but he does. I’m talking about hour long foot rubs every night, constant compliments, affection, passion, good to my kids, supportive of anything I do and most importantly, he gets me. When we have disagreements he is reasonable, logical, puts up with my dismissive attitude and forces me to talk it out. Most men in my past became defensive, argumentative and accusatory, brought up issues from the past that had no bearing on the discussion/argument at hand – that’s if they didn’t walk away unable to argue at all first. So this guy, my guy, also does something else that no one has ever done. He puts up with me. He lets me be moody and grumpy, even when I have no reason to be. He understands my level of responsibility and the stress that comes with it, and he tolerates the irritable energy it often results in. Again, I’m not sure why. I would have walked away from me a long time ago.

Here’s the problem: I like things my way. I, as you know, am a creature of habit. I want things in their place, where they belong, undisturbed. I want him to care about the condition of the house as much as I do, the condition of the yard, whether a beer cap is sitting on the counter instead of in the garbage, how the couch pillows and blankets are arranged, how the sheets on the bed are tucked in, the table manners that should be adhered to, how loud you talk on your cell phone, not talking during movies, not putting dirty dishes in the sink, but next to the sink instead. This list could go on and on. Have you noticed anything? They are all nit-picky little things. They are, but they are annoyances that drive me insane! Why is that? I can’t figure it out. I’ve got everything a girl could ask for in him – so why do I get so annoyed at the little things? Why does just one little thing put me in a funk of irritation? Is it because I’m Type A and want to be in charge, but secretly I really want someone to take care of me? I don’t think so. Is it because I have to be in control of everything and when things aren’t going my way I feel unbalanced? Again, I don’t think so. Is it because there is a significant age difference and my expectations of him are higher than what is fair? Maybe. Maybe it’s a combination of all of it, but the bottom line is I need to figure it out.

I recognize it though, that’s a good thing, right? I catch myself the minute I feel annoyed and I try to talk myself out of it because I don’t like how it feels. It’s icky. I tell myself that I’m irritated for nothing, or for something terribly insignificant, but I rarely prevail. So there it is. I’m a huge pain and not deserving of the love and respect he gives me, yet he continues giving it. I know I am lucky and blessed and though I don’t think I show it, I am grateful that I have him in my life. So what now?