OT- SAHM life style

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Cathstardeluxe wrote:

My SO gives me a lot of stick for not meeting his standards of house work. This week for example, I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen 4/5 days, also did all of the cooking, hoovered, did several loads of laundry etc. on Friday I forgot my meds in the morning (I have ppd) so I didn't get much done. And he has been ranting at me avidly on both Saturday and Sunday instead of just asking if I would do it. I think that's unfair. From his perspective it's unfair that he works all day and feels I'm not pulling my weight. I should add that our one year old is extremely energetic and mischievous, so caring for him in itself is a full time job.

Are you a SAHM? How does your day look? What does your partner expect of you? Does he give you grief if you fail to meet his standards on a rare occasion?

When I was a SAHM my DH realised I was exhausted and would come home and cook each night. I'd tidy up each day but we'd both clean in the weekend. If I was treated the way you are, there would have been a divorce. It's not the 40's.

When I was a SAHM and now I'm on maternity leave I do the majority of the housework but because I choose to and when I have time. If my husband told me I wasn't meeting his standards I'd tell him where to go.

Agree with this.. I focus on the parenting part. If we have playgroup but the house is a mess, I'm hardly going to make my son stay home so I can tidy. He's now 2 so it's a lot easier to cook and get things done either while he plays by himself or during his nap but if I didn't, there's no way my husband would shout at me (or that I'd accept it). You're not his employee and especially if your reason for having a slow day was PPD (although people are entitled to lazy days regardless), I would be furious.

I'm a SAHM to a two year old and an almost one year old. Sometimes it looks like I haven't done anything all day when my husband comes home. In reality, most of those days I've cleaned up the same mess seventy times already. My husband has lower expectations of upkeep/tidiness than I do though. It's a blessing and a curse-he doesn't get upset at me if the house isn't perfect, but he also doesn't go all out to tidy up himself because he doesn't really notice things as much as I do.

I love the points of PPs who said they focus on the mom part as the most important part. I agree! That's a full time job on its own.

On weekends and any time off partners should be just as engaged in housework and parenting. I've explained to my husband that I don't really get any time "off" when he has had the mentality that since he's home from work he's off the clock. I explained that it would be like if he lived in the pharmacy-even when he wasn't on duty, he'd still hear the customers, other people making phone calls, see all the supplies, etc. That's exactly how it is as a SAHM, you are always surrounded by your "work". Maybe some analogy like that could help him see that he needs to help out in his off time too, since I'm guessing you don't get much "off" time. He shouldn't be nagging you about getting things done when he's home and equally capable.

I think you should sit down with your husband and just go over his expectations of you, & what you expect of him. I expect of myself for the house to stay clean and organized, I do all the laundry cooking and cleaning. This is my job. I expect my husband to go to work, if he just decided he's going to not do that today then ya I would be angry/frustrated at him for that. I feel like it works both ways. We have 2 under 2, and its crazy around here but I also know it takes me literally 2 minutes to empty the dishwasher, 5 min to vacuum, 4 min to fold a load of laundry - so all these things really can be done in tiny windows of time. I don't think it's fair for you to not meet the expectations of your household as far as what your role is, but at the same time those expectations should have been talked about and agreed upon before you & your husband decided you would stay home; that's why I suggested sitting down together, so you can both agree to what your role is as a SAHM. A few quick tips - run the dishwasher before bed empty it before the kids wake up so you can load it as the day goes on, get the kids out of the house every morning for a few hours (if they're not home they're not making a mess), do laundry every second day so it's just small loads (quicker to fold and put away), enforce a 2 hour quiet time for the kids so the first hour you can do your deep clean and the second hour you can relax. Good luck.

I am a teacher who has had the last 3 weeks off (go back tomorrow) and during those 3 weeks I would clean every day BUT half the time my husband would get home and you couldnt tell (i have a 5 and 2.5 year old who literally only want to play in the room with me). Or if it was perfectly cleab when he got home it was a wreck again by morning cuz he and the kids just let it go. Cleaning never ends and will always be there. Your husband needs to back off. Talk to him and explain when he gets home you and him BOTH can clean and make things nice since a parents job never ends.

Your whole post read like you were accusing the OP of being lazy. I'm not sure if you meant this but that's how it came across. She explained that she has PPD. To be honest, I think she's doing pretty well to be mostly keeping her house clean and tidy and managing to bring up her one year old.

I also had 2 under 2 with my first two children. I did most of the housework (as OP says she does) but if my husband had ever come home after I had spent a day with a newborn and a 12 month old and accused me of not meeting his standards I would have considered him not only unreasonable but unsupportive and unkind. My second child was very high needs and I took them to playgroup or out every day. I prioritised reading and playing with them above the housework. And when they slept for two hours (which they did every day) I slept too. And I didn't apologise to my husband for it either. He wasn't up all night with a baby.

My husband doesn't have "standards" for me. I have a 2.5 yr old and 1.5 yr old and even though I clean everyday by the time my husband walks through the door the way the house looks is a coin flip. It sounds like you doing more isn't the issue as much as him respecting you as his partner and not employee. Yes I think cleaning up messes and grocery shopping etc is my job.... but that's what I think, not my husband. My girls are at a tough age so if I manage to get their naps to overlap by 30 minutes some days I just want to sit and drink coffee or shower. I don't know how the PP vacuums and folds laundry so quick. When I've got two minis trying to "help" and a dog attacking the vacuum it's more like a 20 minute job. And I feel like I can fold laundry pretty quick but 4 minutes? Really? Sit down and have a talk with your hubby or maybe counseling if there are other issues.

Ditto. I'm a teacher who stays home during the summer and my job then is to take care of and entertain my son, not clean the house. Things are a little neater during the summer because I'm not physically exhausted like I am when I'm working so I have the energy to tidy up, but I don't magically turn into a maid.

OP, your job is to keep the kids alive and happy. Anything else is gravy. Please take care of yourself. Maybe set an alarm on your phone to make sure you don't miss meds again?

I think you need to figure out a way to schedule an appointment or something and be gone all day so your husband can stay at home all day with the kiddo by himself and see how much he gets done. Maybe then, he'll get it. Having a SAHM in the household makes life so much easier for him. He clearly doesn't get that. He needs to cut you a break and give you the benefit of the doubt if not everything gets done every day.

Do you have PPD? Or any mental illness? As others have noted, your posts sounds like she was being lazy. It's not good. It's bad. As someone who is having a horrible time with PPA I can assure you there's A LOT of stuff that goes undone in my house, and if I miss my meds for whatever reason? I'm a useless zombie.

OP- you're doing a great job as a SAHM and what your husband is doing is not okay. Everyone needs a mental health break or forgets to do the laundry or whatever. You're a human. More so, a human woman, mother and wife.

Tell your husband he's being an ass and you guys need to talk about your relationship. I would be very uncomfortable if my husband talked to me like that, and he never would. Also, he cooks every night and helps with housework probably every other day at least. You're not a maid.

I work for the school systems so I'm off all summer and for a while after my kids I was a SAHM. I, of course, would tidy up throughout the day but my husband was and is the *cleaner*. He's just a neater person than me so on weekends he does good deep cleaning. I do cooking and laundry and together we manage the kids. If I was spoken to that way my husband would be on his ass and single. Not ok.

I have three kids (7m, 2.5 and 12.5). My days are spent out of the house. We go to the park, museum , library, indoor amusement places, amusement park lake/ocean (depending where we are) or aquarium multiple times a week. We shop for food almost daily and get lunch out occasionally. I have to get out of the house or I'll go crazy.

My husband expects me to keep the kids alive, schedule appointments, get kids to appointments, deal with outsourced help (housekeeper, gardener, etc) and do the majority of the shopping (he hates shopping).

This works for our marriage. If might now for yours. I suggest you have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Tell him what isn't working for you and directly state what you need for him. Good luck.