UnBooks:The Hollow Men and the Two Dead Detectives

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Gage and his injuries were published at the local museum after Sheriff Robert Bruce closed the case soon after Rotwang and Greenock were murdered.[1]

What follows is two essays one from Doctor C. A. Rotwang - and metaphysical sex addict investigator Finnius Greenock who had found fame in Paris, Franceover a missing Quagga[2] was brought into study the case after the initial doctor was found walled in.

Sadly Greenock was later found in the middle of Happy Duck Valley in Canada after been gunned down. It has yet to be deduced how and why both doctors/investigators were killed in care of Phinieas Gage. The two diary entries account for some of the events, however despite the loose ends our small town constabulary has decided to close the case after 320 days due to budget and resource strains in our small town. We understand that Gage has begun a new life in Chile.

The town of Lebanon was never the same of the Gage incident, doctors had wanted to understand the case and called for a man up to the challenge of solving the case of Gage and understanding why a man who had his brain mashed in was slightly different to the man they had known and as this happened a series of diabolic crimes began to happen in the area, a chicken plucked alive and spray painted blue was thrown at an old biddies house, and an old man fell on a roadside curb and was crushed by an oncoming bus.

A strange Parisian was called in, by the name of Finnius Greenock to investigate Gage's remarkable recovery and personality shifts - along with the possible links to Judgement Day as foretold by our lord and saviour Jesus Christ. However a few weeks after the passing of Rotwang, Greenock was soon to follow Rotwang into the next life in the form of a twelve gauge shotgun.

I am convinced that all is not all is as it seems.

Sheriff Robert Bruce, Lebanon, New Hampshire

Observations: September 14 1848 by Doctor C. A. Rotwang

I was called in to study the case of Phineas Gage, a normal enough man from Lebanon, New Hampshire, his injuries however where so extreme that it is a miracle that he survived. A tyre iron was wedged into his skull; remove a vast amount of brain matter. On an American specimen I can only conjecture as to how the man lives without most of his brain which was limited in size to begin with. I am often struck and more often than not hurt by the repeated abuse Gage dishes out under his breath; how saddening it is to come in to welcome the poor man only to be greeted with a whispered "fucking kraut doctor" etc

I was initially struck by the patients inability to speak or do anything, however this was of no surprise as he had a tyre iron removed removed from his skull a sore incident. The miracles of Gage's survival prepared me in no way for what happened next, all of Gage's most intimate associates and relatives no longer recognized him including some such as his mother and father who had known him all of his life

One of the first things that stuck was the smell, his family had begun growing mushrooms on his head to feed themselves, a truly gross way to feed your family, however these are desperate times and I convinced myself that these actions were normal and this community was being ripped apart by the absence of Gage's frontal lobes, this was a utter garbage spouted by the communities Religious inhabitants. The town seemed gripped in the sway of some mad fundamentalism which made Gage's life difficult. I hope he moves abroad to be free to pursue his life away from the bigotry that has come to surround his untarnished name and standing within the town.

I began to have concerns about the matter when it became clear that the whole town was experiencing a problem that seemed to affect more than this wretched rail worker. I was curious of how he spoke of a mysterious man before the crash - a foreigner with a strange accent. I was most curious as to this aberration of the injury - it was almost as if the accident was no accident. At least amongst the small town owners; however their dread has rubbed off, I fear my days are numbered.

A strange sense of dread accompanies my footsteps, being in the presence of Gage brings my spirits down, I being to feel oh Phinias, who is your friend, and why has the tyre iron that was wedged in your skull been taken out of medical holdings... more importantly why am I writing my innermost thoughts upon this medical diary...Hello... ‘‘What can I do for you?....oh.... No... Noooooooo![3]

Observations: March 1 1849 by Professor Finnius Greenock

The novel The Hollow Men and the Two Dead Detectives
is also available in paperback.

I was called in to study the case, after the charming Rotwang was beaten with the very tyre iron which injured Gage. I was a little desperate for money and the yanks paid well to have me look at this strange man. As you can imagine I was a little put by it all being stopped at the airstrip by customs, sadly my drugs were all stolen, particularly the rather morish crack and hashish equipment I had brought. When I first met gage I was struck by how well he seem, certainly his manner was far from ideal

I was musing the other day about Chilien Hitler clones and how their brains developed incorrectly - how those crazed fritz’s would love to get hold of ol' Phinias with half a brain. Still he seems a little "semitic" from the amount loose change he steals whilst creeping around at night.

I had made up my mind to do a poor job just to annoy these pompous closed minded doctors, however as you can tell, I kept my authoritive and egotistical inner monologue which I am sharing with you all know in my magnanimity and benevolence. I felt however a strange energy if that...

I think it is clear that Gage could not have been responsible for the incidents in Lebanon, not only was a tyre Iron wedged into his skull he was also in Tangiers, Morocco[4] enjoying what could only have been a dim desire to such a simple man of the United States of America. The events here seem to be orchestrated by the masons, as I always say. However the Chief of police pays no heed and blames Gage for being infected by some kind of demon rather than for the accident.

From then on he was found in Chile pursuing a new career as a bus driver, a noble profession of a man with half a brain to be working with... Cartesian dualism has impeded my research and provided a stumbling block at every turn, however I think that we may fairly say that the case of Gage can never be solved - I am still baffled at why he appears to function normally, and I am forced conclude that Cartesian Duelism must indeed be the truth and psychology must go back to religion for answers.

Footnotes

^ Finnius Greenock had become legendary around the world, particularly with the advent of the wireless. He was hailed as being one of the greatest egotistical men of his time.

^ Bruce had emigrated from Scotland in 18-, he was widely respected and important member of the community. Not that Cliché has anything to do with it.

^ Rotwang's death was declared by the coroner as coming from repeated battering from a shotgun similar to the police models.

^ Gages trip to morocco proved conclusively that although Dr. Rotwang was correct that there was an Exorcist style subplot to it all, Gage had a pretty watertight alibi.