Monday, November 24, 2003

Bad gets worse.
Loosing Joan by moments, can't get in touch of him and he is promising to phone, then disappears for three days and replies to no text messages or phone calls... Then turns up again, changing subject whenever I try to get to the point, and seeming more or less normal 'till he disappears from my life again...
As I have no time for myself these days, it doesn't help much: I'm not going to turn up at his place to confront him with my son tagging along, and have had no weekends to myself for a month now.
It really hurts. And he is the guy who keeps listening to all his friends' stories about nasty boyfriends and says they are simply childish and don't know how to handle a relationship? And now he just seems to be hiding from me, without a word about whatever is really going on in his mind???
Can hardly concentrate on work, let alone give a good impression when interviewed for new positions...

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

No good news, anyway: Both my favourite possible jobs, those in which I was on the final run for the position, have been given to someone else.
O.K. -Fair play, sending e-mails thanking their interest anyway & blah, blah... but there is nothing else ineresting in sight.
My father's finding it hard to deal with all the pain and breathing problems during his recuperation, so I'm going to see him every weekend, no time for myself in a loooong time I guess...
Boyfriend seems to be drifting away, as he has never been too good at helping when things get bad -He's excellent at feeling guilty about it, though! So, two problems: No help or support when necessary, AND psychotherapy sessions of guilt and "I shouldn't have let you be so close to me, when I started falling in love with you I should have moved away instead of making you love me, all I do is make you suffer..." So it makes me have to keep my emotions to myself if I want to relax at least when I'm with him.
Really down right now... Not sure wether it's the best moment to confront him, though, as I might be taking him too badly because of everything else...

In fact, I must admit he was the only person I could rely on when my son's father went mad and broke into my flat, wrecking everything, and my son and I lost the flat -our home. He was excelent then, helped me out in everything, though we had only been together for a couple of months -The most normal reaction would have been What the fuck is going on here? This woman may be great for a while, but she has a kid, little money, and an ex who is out of his mind, a big, black moron who has just kicked the front door open and now knows my face!? But, insead of leaving me, HE WAS THERE.
Shit, I miss Joan being by my side!

Friday, November 07, 2003

Sorry for not writing for a week:Been to a few second interviews, to some new ones too, and dad was operated on Tuesday.At first it seemed he wasn't coming on well, it was heart surgery and when he woke up from anesthetic he was thinking he was in a dungeon, he was there to die, etc, and was not helping his body to start working... but in a few days he is much better, most of the drainage tubes taken off, and less of the other tubes too.As to my current job, the boy at the storeromm asked me to make him a c.v., so he must be thinking of leaving too, and another girl in the office is leaving by surprise on Tuesday!!She hadn't said officially she was going to leave, but some of us knew she'd been looking around, and her aunt has got her a position in the National Health -entering data, etc. Sooooo... the girl who started working here on Wednesday, to take over my position, has been sent to her table, to learn everything from her now, and hope to find someone for me soon.By the way, the new girl in my office is also here because of influences, she knew our lawyer... Why don't I have connections anywhere????Anyway, got loads of work to catch up with, as I took a day off for my dad's operation, and my work on the last two days has been s.l.o.w. because every step I usually do was repeated, written down and checked -not her fault, but it takes ages to make a single invoice like this!!! -Let alone explain the whole process from invoicing, chasing payments, checking cheques are good, and sending to insurance company those that are badly overdue... just to start replying to all their request then!Shall get back as soon as I have a moment.