How Loco Cool Ranch D'Reet Tacs and Kate Upton's Chest Beefers Keep the USA Rockin' with the Heat of a Thousand Suns

Karl Welzein is the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Follow him @DadBoner.

’Sup. Karl Welzein here, hailing from Grand Blanc, Michigan, with a very important message about America, the USA, and everything really.

I've never been one to complain about hard times. I like to keep my life on point with positive vibes. But recently, I heard some crap about how Detroit and Flint were named the number-one and number-two garbage cities in the country. Kinda sounds like a load that some better-than-me corn cob needed to write to make himself feel better ’bout his snooze of a life and how he never gets carnal with ANY babes. A true bad boy don’t need to point fingers at other folks havin’ hard times. They’re too busy rockin’. And if you ain’t rockin’, you probably got a few tics to point your smart mouth fingers at some folks who’re down on their luck. I mean, I been outta work for a bit here, but that’s by choice as I’m livin’ the “all freedom lifestyle.” I’ll probably be gettin’ back to the grind in the spring. Think I got a lead on a gig from my pal Crazy Cooter to work at an inground pool company. Sounds so money. Plus, where there’s pools, there’s bound to be smokin’ babes showin’ off all the curves to ease your nerves. Anyway, there ain’t no real reason for anybody to say nothin’ ’bout hard times, when the American dream Dusty Rhodes already said it best back in ’85:

Hard times are when the textile workers around this country are outta work, and got four or five kids, and can't pay their wages, can't buy their food! Hard times are when the auto workers are outta work, and they tell 'em, go home! And hard times are when a man is workin' a job thirty years! Thirty years! They give him a watch, kick him in the butt, and say, "Hey, a computer, took your place, daddy." That’s hard times! That’s hard times! And Ric Flair, you put hard times on this country, by takin’ Dusty Rhodes out.

I gotta say, even though I rock it 24/7, 365, open on Sundays, solo and successfully, I been havin’ some probs with my roomie Dave. He’s been bein’ a real pile since he hooked up with his gal Sue. Not drinkin’ cold ones, just starin’ at the tube, watchin’ whatever garbage SHE likes. It’s a buncha faker crap. Plus, Sue don’t like nothin’ chillin’. When the new Loco Cool Ranch D’reet Tacs came out from The Bell, she wouldn’t even try ‘em ‘cause she said they’d make her have bad BMs or whatever. Food makes you BM. It’s natural. And gruntin’ out a BM ain’t usually good either way, so you might as well enjoy some bold flavors. Also, Sue said Kate Upton looked “fat for a model” in the new SI swimsuit ish. Idiot. If you think Kate Upton is "fat," then we're not ever gonna be friends. Why? 'Cause you suck and you're stupid and you hate America, that's why.

Don’t know why anybody would wanna be negative about positives when the USA is supposed to be having “hard times.” Personally, I think we’re better than ever. But it really says somethin’ when there are folks out there who got foul mouth crap to say about our new national treasures, like:

1) Loco Cool Ranch D’reet Tacs from The Bell

Think China or other countries have the innovative freedoms to take D’reets, first in the original flave, then Cool Ranch, and make tac shells out of ’em for the ultimate off-the-chain taste sensation? No way. ’Cause those places stink. So even though some piece of trash might wanna rank places like Detroit and Flint as hellholes, they’re still out of bounds with positive vibes. Why? ’Cause they got Taco Bells. And they invented muscle cars. And the Tigs are from DETROIT. And Bob Seger lives ’round these parts. So does Kid Rock. Think Bob Seger and Kid Rock would live in a dump? Idiot.

2) Kate Upton’s Chest Beefers

Kate Upton's chest beefers ain't just a carnal thing. It's about beauty. Same as starin' at the American flag wavin' at dusk. And if you’re a dude and got a problem with that babe, man, you don’t like babes. Pure and simple. And that’s cool. It’s 2013. But before you open your face hole and say somethin’ nasty ’bout Kate Upton’s bod, maybe just look at yourself, kimosabe.

And if you’re a gal who says Kate Upton is “fat,” why don’t you duck into the john, pop your jersey, and have a peek in the mirror. Then, put your shirt back on, come out, and keep your unkindnesses to yourself. I mean, I’m cool with babes’ bods in all shapes and sizes. Personally, I like ‘em thick and all natural. Gotta respect the ladies. But, man, when a babe like Kate Upton comes around once every thousand years, everyone needs to take a step back and realize what the USA is all about. Talkin’ bad ’bout Kate Upton is like takin’ a hot whiz on the American flag.