Friday, April 30, 2010

So. Here it is. The final day of April. I can't end my month with that last post, so for your textual delight, I offer a random topic. Will it make sense? Who knows. Let's find out, hmmmm?

Have you heard of the man crush? The phenomenon where one man has a slavish adoration for another, but not in that way? It's more like an idolization of someone. A hero worship. No homo, I swear. The elevation of a person to man crush status is the highest honor a man can give. It implies ultimate respect.

So... it's fine for women to have girl crushes, right? It just makes sense. So here are my top three. These women are awesome. Or at least I think so, and lets face it. That's all that matters, right?

#3. Emma Thompson

Dude. Seriously? Seriously. Emma is amazing. She has a poise and grace that is so admirable. With the ability to carry off numerous Shakespearean roles, a crazy author, ugly nannies, and Hugh Grant's sister, along with countless other parts, Emma owns whatever she does. Besides, her voice is so proper and soothing. All at the same time. It's astounding! She is also in my top three people I want to narrate my life. Anyone and everyone should respect this woman.

#2 (TIE). Jenny Lewis and Zooey Deschanel

I put these two together because they fill a similar place in my esteem. Primarily, I love them because they are both in amazing bands-- Jenny has been the lead singer in Rilo Kiley and vox in the Postal Service, along with putting out some fantastic solo stuff, while Zooey works with M. Ward in She & Him. But they have more. Both have crazy cool retro style. Both rock, both roll. Both have a wide-eyed stare underneath tough-but-awesome bangs. Both have long wild hippie hair. Both are very, very cool.

#1. Tina FeyDo I even have to explain here? No, but I will anyway. Tina, Tina, Tina. What an incredible person. She is possibly the funniest writer ever, managing to make a TV show and characters that click so quickly and are truly laugh out loud hilarious. Honestly, how often does that happen? She has also managed to hold onto an actual personality-- nothing has changed her. Fame, acceptance, she's faced trials and truly overcome with a sense of dignity and sandwiches. I can't describe how much I like her. To Tina. Forever.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A coward. A tiny baby girl. Anything that denotes the fact that I completely, utterly have no backbone.

This is one of the facets of my personality I really have a problem with. Everyday I tell myself to be brave. I try to face the world with confidence, with the strength I wish I had. And everyday my fears hit me in the face, and all I want to do is run and curl up under the covers, pretending the world doesn't exist. Or go high in the mountains, where it is just me and the Lord and no one else, so I can finally be at peace.

My list of regrets is growing longer.

I wish I could confront people without being emotionally invested. I wish I wasn't afraid of failure. I wish I was more spontaneous, that I could be alright dropping obligations and running away. I wish I was more capable. I wish I could be that person that is always supportive, that can listen and empathize and be there. I wish I relied on people. I wish I was more trusting. I wish I could be that person who does what they want when they want. I wish I didn't overthink things.

But what's the point of wishing? Things are past or out of my reach. Or are they? Is there still that hope that I can turn my insecurities around and someday live with no remorse?

I think that's all we want. To be satisfied with life. To eliminate the many, various obstacles we create. To face this world entirely unafraid.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I would just like to announce that I completely and utterly OWNED my final tour for my docent class.

Yeah, that's right! TAKE THAT MOA!And now I am done. No more putting up with overly pretentious art history majors. No more enduring the soporific tones of their tour voices, putting up with the desperate pleas at intellectualism and artistic insights, or trying to fight sleep and discomfort as they prattle on about how that slash of a line symbolizes rising hope and plummeting fortunes (confession: I have done that last one).

No more! After whining to friends and ditching class, I finished on the best note ever. My tour left them speechless. I took them through Mirror Mirrorand turned them on their heads with my piercing analysis.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

"People are never really emblematic of anything. Alive or dead, they constantly contradict themselves and turn out to contain unexpected elements."

Jonathan Rosen, The Talmud and the Internet

I've recently developed the skill of observance. It's quite new to me-- I was always self-involved, with a belief in personal privacy. But now I find people fascinating. Their actions, their words. The question of what drives behavior constantly haunts me.

And so I lust after stories, seeking childhood memories and inner reflections. Adversely, I find myself constantly waiting to share, an inner typhoon of reminiscences longing to be set free. Images of sneaking through fences and climbing on roofs, summers on the trampoline and autumn walks through the cemetery fill my lungs and struggle up the esophagus, yearning to slip past the lips but halted by self-consciousness.

Instead of discussing myself, I press others. What was elementary like? Who was your favorite teacher? What is the worst trouble you have ever gotten in? Where are you in your family? Do you think that has effected your outlook in life?

I am still painfully awkward at questioning people. Years of stifling my innate curiosity has left me blunt and unskilled. But the only way to get better is through practice, and I am filled with this need to know. Why do we act the way we do? What shapes us, what makes personalities? These are the answers I seek.

Despite the roughness of my approach, I feel I've gotten slightly better at reading the unspoken cues, understanding the subtle hints in language and demeanor. And I've been able to glean more out of casual conversation, learning more about others than they would probably like.

There are still many miles to go in my quest, but even in the short time I've become interested in discovering people, I've unearthed some useful facts. Namely, everyone is searching for definition, but their journey is in vain.

The world cannot be placed in a nice tight philosophy, and neither can a person. Situations change, opinions change, and there are no set rules, no matter how appreciated such things may be. The surest way to solidify an event is to firmly decide the opposite is true. So it is with people. We can think that we are THIS, but even as we settle on it, our cozy thought pattern begins to disintegrate, taking our firmly decided THAT with it. So we must embrace flexibility, accept the belief that nothing is concrete.

This isn't to say there aren't Universal Truths. There most certainly are, and they are the only anchor in the chaos that is existence. But to try and add other anchors, spread across distances among the sea of life, that is to invite frustration and hypocrisy. The only way to survive is to move with the current and stop trying to pin things down in a neat explanation. Some things don't work, and the factors are so unique that to try to apply similar reactions to different situations is a recipe for failure.

Basic rundown: people are unpredictable, but are a constant source of inspiration. Looking at others and acknowledging the lessons they offer is an important gift in life, but don't become too obsessed with trying to relate it to yourself. We are unique. This is the most wonderful thing about humanity. Observe others merely as a scholarly and artistic pursuit, but any answers about the self will be found as the years pass, and will unfold in their own manner. Once we stop trying to figure it out, it will all be much easier and vastly more enjoyable.