Susan Riddell: Upping the auntie on the play places to avoid

Only go to soft play zones if you like mayhem and children in large numbers

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I’M an auntie, which means when I look after my nephew, I make sure he has a damn good time.

Therefore, babysitting usually involves an outing of some sort.

Some outings are more successful than others, so I thought I’d share my wisdom with other aunts and uncles who may be looking to entertain their respective nieces and nephews.

Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of places to sidestep, so you can avoid the same pitfalls as me:

Play cafes - These types of cafes seem to be popping up more and, in theory, they are a good idea.

The theory is you get to eat and drink stuff while the wean gets to hang about with other toddlers in the play area.

In reality, all that happens is that you pay three quid for a latte and you aren’t able to drink it because you are too busy chasing after the child as it zigzags round the ankles of a frazzled waitress trying to deliver hot liquids without scalding said munchkin.

I don’t know if it’s all the babyccinos but the children in these places seem to be swinging from the rafters more than usual.

The place I visited also had a baby sensory room which was basically a darkened room with an Ikea disco ball shoved in.

After enduring the carnage outside, most of the parents were enjoying the sensory room more than their children.

Soft plays - There are two types of parent who attend soft plays – those who keep one eye on their children, and those who take a more laissez faire approach.

Usually the kids who roam free are the most obnoxious ones and will most likely steal a toy from your charge.

You’ll ponder that maybe the belt in schools wasn’t such a bad idea.

Little nyaffs aside, in soft plays it becomes apparent that children are only cute in small numbers.

Squadrons gathered in a windowless environment means you begin to view them as the little germ balls they truly are.

If Kim and Aggie ever want to make a comeback I suggest they visit soft plays across the country instead of houses.

I dread to think what the swab test results would reveal, the thought of it makes me want to douse myself in hand sanitiser.

Baby Discos - This takes the “unders” to a new level.

The Baby Disco I attended was in a scummy nightclub complete with strobe lights, a DJ and chill out area.

The low point came when the DJ played the uncensored version of Azealia Banks’s 212.

It was horrifying to watch a bunch of toddlers cut shapes to such unsavoury lyrics.

Whatever happened to the birdie song?

Have a go at our Entertainment Quiz.

Question -1 of 5Score -0 of 0

Which actor has been criticised for the way he carried his daughter in a Father's Day snap on Instagram?