he lurked over my shoulder as i whispered my first cuss word out loud, his heavy presence weighing like rough, trembling rocks on my stomach. i wished i could suck the four letters back in, pretend they'd never dripped out and send him away. send him anywhere but that clubhouse on that playground on that day. but he refused to leave. he latched onto my back like an ugly, unwanted companion and from that day forward, he was a part of me.

his name was guilt, and he quickly became my god.

for years, i labored tirelessly to avoid his condemnations. my goal was to let him sleep, to tiptoe so safely through life he had no need to wake and hiss his painful words. i worked to never disappoint, never make a mistake, and never disobey. anyone. parents, teachers, church leaders, even friends. as long as i did what they asked, he left me alone. so I learned to say “yes”, to follow the rules, to get it right. and it worked, for a little while.

until "right" became blurry, the rules less clear. as i grew older, the expectations crossed lines and my heart constantly felt torn. pleasing one person often meant letting someone else down, and even when i knew what i should do, i didn't do it. my weary soul ached and screamed and crushed beneath the tension, and guilt didn't miss a beat; his suffocating laughter and constant mocking reminded me i would never be enough. i could never do enough. i was his prisoner and he was my god and i would be forced to serve him forever. i would never break free.

so i broke down instead.

and there, in the desperate, shattered mess, i was rescued.

the Rescuer came quietly, gentle and sure. He didn’t yell or bombard or bust His way through. He just came. in my most disturbing reality, my weakest moment, He embraced me. He loved. He forgave. But He was firm; He would allow no other gods before Him, not even Guilt.

the rescue continues, even still. guilt is a persistent god who doesn’t quiet easily, but I’m learning to trust the One who is bigger, the One who is greater, the One who sent His own Son to overcome guilt altogether.

and in Him, i am finally free.

your turn!

have you struggled with guilt? have you ever felt like it ruled your life? remember, there is only One worthy Lord and His name is not guilt, but Love, and in Him there is peace, hope, and freedom.

Oh, girl! You had me captivated in that first paragraph wondering who was lurking over your shoulder!

Have you heard of Emily P Freeman's book - Grace for the Good Girl? I am reading it now and planning to join up with some bloggers over the next few weeks to discuss so much of what you are talking about here.

Amazing how His grace is continuously freeing us from the guilt and shame we carry.

Reply

Brittany

11/7/2011 11:18:06 pm

oh yes, i love that book! we're using it right now for small group. i can't wait to read your posts about it!