I cut in line, I bled to death. When I got to you there was nothing left.

Thursday, October 31, 2002

A friend of mine failed her driving test today and she seems really upset over it. She was saying how nothing seemed to go right for her and i can really relate to that; thats what i was feeling a week ago. Anyway because of my 'honesty first' phase right now i think i kinda made her feel worse damm someone warned me it would backfire on me but i wouldn't listen. I think when pple are depressed abt something they would rather hear consoling words than honest words.

Was reading the classifieds today and there was this letter in the forum sent in by this Malay gal complaining about her frustration in getting a job because so many of them required Mandarin, and she basically called it subtle discrimination. Well I have been complaining to everyone about this for a few months now and i know how she feels but hey thats how the world works. Ya it fucking sucks but there is nothing you can do about it. Her letter is not going to like change that.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Got this really weird letter from the army. It basically said that I have been posted to the G2 Branch of HQ 9DIV as an "Interrogator classified under Interrogation Cell" and that I have to attend this 'MI Course' on the 28th of April. Ya i got no idea what the hell it means either.

Met up with Wee at Bedok today, i was so tempted to tell him how much i hated the fact that he got into NCS but not me, but manage to supress it though. We talked for like an hour and a half and he drove me back home, sweet fellow...

Got an email from Roxy today, man its been so long since i talked to her so i was really glad that she emailed me. Haven't seen her online for such a long time that i was actually getting worried that something was wrong and was thinking of emailing her. It's pretty scary when you got no idea what happened to a net friend you have known for a while.

Lana Lang from Smallville is such a babe, I think it's her eyes, they just drive me wild !

I don't know why i get so serious and uptight when it comes to net conversations. Yesterday i finally confessed to a net friend that i didnt like the fact that she kept replying to my messages with frivolous messages like ":)" or "hehe" and that i didn't like it because it made the conversations feel very one sided (as i was doing all the talking) and that i would rather hear her thoughts and opinions on what i say. I hope she wasn't too offended about it but i think she was. Oh well...

Another thing that I really dislike is people who take too long to reply. Ya i know its weird but it pisses me off. And i also get irritated when pple just go offline without giving me a chance to say bye. For me a net conversation is no different from a phone conversation. On the phone you say "bye" and wait for the other person to say "bye" before you hang up. But some of my net friends just say bye and go offline without giving me a chance to say bye as well. I mean it's like they are in such a rush that they can't even wait an extra minute for me to reply, whats up with that !. Ya i know i'm probably being a little too weird about this but i can't help it, thats how i feel.

I think the reason why i'm so uptight about net conversations is probably cos , as sad as it sounds, the only social interaction that i have right now. My social life is practically non-existent right now and its been even worse since i graduated. When i was studying i was too busy with school work and all that to really think abt my lack of a social life. But now that i got so much time on my hands, i realise how lonely my life is right now. And i also realised that i have not felt happy in a really long time, but i was too busy with school and stuff to realise it before.

A net friend told me something that was really private today. And as much as i appreciated the fact that she trusted me with that thing and i know i wouldn't betray her trust, i think it was kind of risky to do that cos the person who you know online might not be the real deal, like he/she might not be as trustworthy as you think he/she is and it would be really bad if he or she betrays that trust. As much as we would want to believe it, not everyone we meet are good people.

A few days ago i came to the realization that i read too much into my friendship with Sharon than I ought to have. She was treating me just as a casual friend but i was thinking we were closer than that and that was how all the problems started. I guess I felt that way because she was telling me some really personal problems that she was having at that time so i believed that she was telling them to me because she felt a connection to me. But now i realise that she did that cos its much easier to tell someone online your personal problems as compared to someone that you know in real life. Maybe its because a real friend has a much greater potential to hurt you with that knowledge compared to a net friend.

Ok so i told the online friend that she is the one i wanted to go out with, and i think she was taken aback a little. Anyway i hope she doesn't take it too seriously, i mean its not like I'm looking for a gf or a relationship cos thats the last thing that i want right now, all i wanna do is go out and hopefully have a good time. I really hope things dun go weird between us because of this cos it would really really suck if it did.

Just saw Boston Public at an ungodly hour of 12:30 and well it was kinda boring not really memorable. I thot the whole class project involving the students suing Lipsihtz was kinda silly and not really believable, despite my lack of knowledge of the American judicial system i dun believe such a thing would be possible in real life. I think the series should just focus on real life social issues that are more believable.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Just came back from Somerset, but the control they gave me was a different model from the one that i gave them and i forgot to check when i got it , fuck i hope it works cos i definitely do not wanna go down all the way back there again.

But it was a rather interesting trip, at least more interesting than i thought, at the mrt station there were these 2 old ladies who were heading towards the escalator that is going upwards towards the train and for some weird reason they were changed their mind and headed towards the escalator that is going downwards from the train which of cos they couldnt take,and then they came back to the escalator heading upwards again and took it. Please God kill me b4 i start doing senile stuff like that !

While waiting for the train, I sat beside a man who lifted his foot from his sandal and playing around with it , i''m serious ! It seems like he was like digging under his toenails for dirt or something it was just so damm gross ! Damm there's weird people everywhere!

Then in the train as i was sitting down this Indian gal sitting opposite of me started staring at me and i was like wondering why the hell she was doing that, i thought she was checking me out which would be probably the first time a gal ever did that to me! But then i realised that she did seem somewhat familiar but i just couldn't remember who she was. Finally it came to me that she was my distant cousin that i haven't seen in like god knows how many years . Anyway i went over and said hi and it was kinda nice you know, i mean talking to a member of the opp. sex after such a long time in captivity (i mean my home). But then i had to get off cos it was my stop and didn't have time to get her handphone number.

I been wanting to go out with this net friend of mine cos we been talking for quite a few months now and i think we get along pretty well so maybe we could like go out for a movie or something. But the problem is i already asked her once and got rejected so there is no way in hell im gonna ask her again. Anyway in my opinion i dun see whats the big deal cos in the worst case scenario if the date goes really badly we can always just laugh abt it online the next day rite , and if it goes well then we have fun. Oh well....

Faith just told me my latest entries in my blog were written in a rambling style and kinda spooky, lol ! Well like i told her , I suddenly just feel the need to write down all my thoughts, uncut and uncensored, dun ask me why i also dun know! I don't know how long i'm gonna do this so to the people who do read this blog (yes all 4 of you), just hang on for the ride ! BTW think i shall change the description of my blog to "Ramblings of a bondafide madman" ..I dun know what the hell bonafide means but it sure does sound cool doesn't it ! : )

I was reading Audrey's new blog yesterday and got the shock of my life when she mentioned that my blog was really funny ! LMAO
That would be like the last word i would use to describe my blog .....But she seems like a pretty cool and fun gal, and those pictures she gave me of her and her cousins in the changing room were pretty cool..And nope i know what you guys are thinking, they were all fully clothed. : (

Woke up this morning to the loud din of my mom's voice complaining to my dad abt something i dun quite remember, its amazing that im in my room and shes in the kitchen and i still can hear her thats how loud her voice is. I think its a trait of older Indian women...Even in the tamil movies those Indian women talk so fucking loud that i just have to switch to another channel.

Gotta go down later to Somerset to change the remote control for my auntie's cable TV. I kept putting it off cos its damm fucking far you know and its kinda dumb just going down to town just to change a stupid remote control, i was waiting for a day where I was going there to watch a movie but then my dad started giving me the speech abt how our auntie helped us so much in the past and how we should be grateful and all that and i just started getting really sleepy so I just cut him off and told him i will be going today. Heh he was kinda pissed abt me cutting him off but he didnt say anything cos well i agreed to do what he said rite !

Read the funniest thing in today's newspaper. The PAS, which is the ruling party in the state of Kelantan are thinking of relaxing polygamy rules in the state because get this , "to solve the problem of single mothers " and that this women need "companionship and love" !! LOL Oh god have you heard anything more sexist in your life ? And of course this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that 2 state ministers were caught practicing polygamy illegally in the state recently. And then they try to justify it by saying they will whip any person who like abuses the law for the purposes of lust! Like HELLO what other reason do you think they will do it for ? Cos they really wanna help with the problem of single mothers in the state? YA right and im not handsome !

Listening to Beck's Odelay right now, I think its like probably like the hippest record i got in my collection, makes me shake my body uncontrollably whenever i listen to it and now i got it turned it up all the way to 12 on my hi-fi which believe me is damm fucking loud. Ahh the things you can do when you parents aren't around ....

Two of my friends just got into NCS (national computer systems) and im really happy for them..NOT! Fuck I'm better than them when it comes to programming skill, they know it and I know it and it pisses me off that they got in while i didnt even get a call to come down for a bloody interview! Yeah i know how un-PC it sounds ok but thats what im feeling rite now so screw PCness !
Ok got to head down to somerset now to get that stupid remote control now !

Monday, October 28, 2002

Ok just came back from the library at tampines. Went there to relax but instead (like everything else in my life right now) the exact opposite happen . So i was at the library looking for this book by Neil Gaiman which Di recommended called Coraline but when I got there i couldnt find the piece of paper which i wrote the name of the author so i had to sms her and get it from her ...ok so small glitch , then when i finally found the section where his books were, i couldnt find it! crap when i checked at home at the library website there were 3 available copies ! Anyway i looked around for like 20 minutes or so and finally gave up and just borrowed another book by him called smoke and mirrors and looked for another book to borrow. And then this pair of secondary students sitting on the floor in between the bookshelves basically blocking the already narrow aisle and that really pissed me off, i was thinking "why dun you move fucking further apart so that u block more of the aisle and no one can walk in at all?" Anyway i just stood there and stared at them and i guess they got the hint cos they stood up and got out of there. Oh yeah and then there was this group of secondary school gals who were like giggling the whole time in the library which even pissed me off more. Fuck, what is it with secondary school gals and giggling , why is everything so damm funny to them, i mean do you see secondary school guys grouping together and giggling like a bunch of idiots, i dun think so!

And then comes this announcement over the library PA that the library is closing at 5 pm and im like totally confused, what the hell i just got here 1/2 an hr ago!! Can't they just standardise the closing times for all the different library branches instead of confusing us like that by having different closing times for different branches !! Anyway i borrowed a flash/dreamweaver and a C++ book and got out of there and headed back home.

And then on the MRT i had the damm good luck of sitting beside a boy who, in my humble opinion, should have been born a monkey cos he couldnt stop swinging on those handrails on the train and making really dumb ass irritating noises that were really driving me crazy. And his bloody parents encouraged him even more !!! I was honestly praying to God that the little monkey would fall and hit his head and start crying cos if that had happened i would have laughed my ass off i tell ya! But as usual i didnt get what i want.

Jiaqi asked me to go to a Halloween party on thursday..now the only problem is finding a party to go to, i mean there has to be some club in town that is holding one of those right.... yeah i know i hate clubbing but i think just need one night to like totally go crazy and wild , besides if im wearing a costume dun need to worry abt making a fool of myself cos no one would regconize me ...who knows i might even get some ..ya ok maybe i should like get back to reality now.

Just download Coldplay's new album and listening to it, its pretty good so far gotta give it a few more spins, but it just reminds me of Radiohead's Bends a little too much , you know the acoustic guitar, the falsetto lead voice basically everything!

Saw the Crossroads ep. of 6 Feet Under and got like a huge shock of my life. I was still getting used to seeing the lead actor kissing another guy in the past episodes and suddenly i get hit with male FULL FRONTAL NUDITY. And we are not talking abt like 1sec it was like 20 secs or something cos he was talking to Nate in that naked state. Sheesh you hardly see full frontal in movies nowdays so i hardly expected it in a tv series. And also it made me feel kinda inadequate : ( ...nah im kidding !
but its too bad the lead actor (whats his name again) broke up with Keith, he was quite a nice guy and pretty good looking also ....hmm i think i better stop now im kinda scaring myself !

Oh i talked to my friend and he told me he only paid 300++ for his graduation studio pictures. I paid ard 1k. Can anyone say RIPPED OFF . Well they did provide really good service for me like buying packet drinks for me and holding open the door as i left the studio so that accounts for a little of the 700 dollars difference .... *Bert trying to justify the cost*

Got into an argument with my dad just now, he keeps telling me to go sign up for the driving lessons but the fucking problem is we dun have enough money! I already told him it will cost around 2k which i know he doesnt have but he keeps telling me to find out if i can pay like per lesson. Either way it costs ard 2k what so whats the fucking diff ! If you dun have the money you dun have the money ....Anyway im not gonna argue with him im gonna go down later and just get all the info from Ubi Driving Centre then just let him do what the hell he wants.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

I'm so in love with Six Feet Under, probably one of the best series I can remember watching in recent years. It just keeps getting better and better with each episode and keeps turning out surprises when you least expect it, will not go into details cos I don't wanna give anything away. I just finished watching the 6th episode and now dl the 7th. At this rate i'm probably gonna finish the whole series by the end of the week. For those who do not know the series is about a family who runs a mourtuary home, and tthe head of the household the father passed away recently and about the remaining members trying to get on with their lives. Its like totally funny at times and yet can be really sad and poignant at others. The characters lead pretty dsyfunctional lives but i can really relate to them.

Saturday, October 26, 2002

Ben just told me he got a new girlfriend, and its obvious how happy he is right now. I'm really happy for him but have to admit I'm a bit envious. Not because I dun have a girlfriend, but because i haven't felt happy in a really long time. The last time i can remember feeling that way was when I was with her. I really miss that feeling.

In the last week i broke down and cried twice, and the worst thing is I dun even know why i did. Am i losing my mind? Maybe its because of her, maybe its because im no closer to getting a job now then when i first started looking and i dun know why that is. I have no idea. But I've been feeling this sense of hopelessness that I just can't shake off. I just dun know whats my purpose in life anymore.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Ok haven't really updated my blog in a while so i better get right to it!

SO what did I do today ...hmm ya almost got into a car accident thats what , thanks to Hafeez! I dun have a licence but this was the scenario: He was going to turn left into a carpark but there was a bus at the bus stop just b4 the carpark so he just went to the 2nd lane and turned into the carpark from the 2nd lane. At the same time he turned the bus started to move off and it almost hit us as we turned into the carpark , he did signal but i dun know he didnt slow down or anything , so who's fault was it ? Anyway it was kinda scary...

Anyway we went to Daud after that to have dinner, i ordered a mee goreng and teh tarik , he a really expensive plate of nasi lemak considering the pathetic chicken wing he got with it , it looked more like a chick than a chicken i tell ya ! After that we went to Bedok Interchange where we walked for a while and went back home , sigh i wish they do something to Bedok Central like add a ferris wheel or something its so damm boring!

(Slightly) Funny thing i was on my way to the bus stop but changed my mind and decided to walk home instead , it was like a good 20 minutes and when i got home i was sweating like a pig..I think when you are really bored you just try to do stuff to occupy your time. Anyway its good exercise right ?

Shynn from the job agency called me and told me i might get this temp job doing database admin at this american firm at a fucking pathetic 6 bucks an hr ...but i can't be choosy, need something IT-related that I can put on my resume. Gonna apply for this company called Crimson Logic tommorow , they got a vacancy for Java Developer which would be the perfect job for me cos i love programming in Java! Hope they grant me an interview...

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Went for an interview yesterday for this 1 1/2 month job and the interview didnt go too well, i know i probably not going to get the job. Anyway it kind of sucks cos just found out that a few friends of mine just got jobs already sigh ..happt for them but also feeling kinda sad that i'm still no where near to getting one myself. Wonder how long this is going to last ....

Played basketball with my friend in the afternoon today for like 20 minutes and after that we were sweating like pigs ! oops i mean perspiring ..now my muscles are aching like crazy . But it was good to get off my butt and do some real exercise after like so many months of inactivity and We are gonna play tommorow morning also ! But we were interuppted by a group of mats who took over the court to play soccer. I wanted to tell those assholes off , i mean its a basketball court not a soccer court ! anyway sam said we should just leave but it really pissed me off !

Getting kind of frustrated with my hi fi cos i think the lens is dirty or something it keeps skipping no matter what disc i play. Have to go down to Bedok and get the lens cleaner thingy asap before i go crazy !

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Wow i checked out Di's blog and was kinda shocked to see her recommending my blog ! eh Di i was kidding when i said highlight my website leh , a link can already what ! : ) And she called me a music geek , i mean the Indian Stallion is no geek ok, im way cool, if i was any cooler people would be calling me Vanilla Ice, thats how cool i am. I much prefer the term music connesisr..ah screw it dun know how to spell that word , you know the word they used to call the wine experts !

Playlist for Today
Kid A by Radiohead (go listen to Idioteque ! you will love it !)
Ok Computer by Radiohead
Aenima by Tool
The Battle of Los Angeles by Rage Against the Machine

my fav lyric of today :

i wish that they'd swoop down in a country lane
late at night when im driving
take me on board their beautiful ship
show me the world ...as i'd love to see it
i'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe me
they'd think that i'd finally lost it completely
i'd show them the stars and the meaning of life
they'd shut me away but i'd be alright
i'm just up-tight
Subterranean Homesick Alien by Radiohead

Went to the photo studio with my sister today to choose my graduation pictures. Well she did most of the choosing , i mean for me all the picture frames look the same ! anyway after that we went to Mos burger to have dinner. I was talking to her about Sharon , well she brought it up cos i told her abt Sharon the first time we were going out, so she was wondering how things were between me and her . Anyway next thing i know i was telling her everything that happened , i guess it was just something i needed to just tell someone. And i'm glad i did cos she really made me feel better, and for the first time i feel like im ready to put all the stuff that happened behind me.

Sunday, October 06, 2002

Some days i wonder why i was born an Indian ...today was one such day.
My parents and my two aunts are sitting in the hall watch this tamil variety show. So i sit down and watch with them out of courtesy lah. I''m watching the show and i'm trying to figure out whats so interesting about it. In the show its basically local Indian stars dancing and lip-synching to songs from the tamil movies , or else they themselves would be singing the songs, like karaoke. And I'm thinking to myself why would anyone wanna see something like that ? Really dun understand ...sigh

Ok sigh boring weekend so far , just spend most of my time playing Neverwinter Nights, damm dun u just hate it when they make a game so good you cant help wasting your life on it ...but learn quite a lot of things applicable in real life from this game for e.g. do not accept sexual favors from women in return for sparing their lives ! ok maybe not that applicable in real life but you never know...
Was going to go to the library today to borrow a good fantasy book so i was online looking for some recommendations but all of them were on loan or not at Bedok Library ..damm Bedok Library really sucks i tell ya....
Hopefully i get to watch 2001 Space Odyssey later , if i dun get asked to do any housework by my parents ...supposed to be a classic or something ...just hope there's going to some scary aliens and bloody space battles in it ..nah just kidding Di ! ;)
Oh yeah also got Billy Elliot on StarMovies at 9 pm , sounds like an interesting story , a boy who rather do ballet than boxing but only thing abt brit movies is sometimes i got a really hard time understanding their accent though .

Friday, October 04, 2002

Went to Serangoon Broadway Photo Studio today, kinda pissed with them cos they told me that they would give those pictures that i didn't choose to develop, to their lab and ultimately it would be destroyed. So i asked them if they could give me the negatives and they said no. Talk abt doing anything to make a profit , well seriously have to thank my dad for this ...He was the one who was like rushing me to find a photo studio the night before so i just choose a random one and now seems like it turns out to be a wrong one. At least if i had more time i could ask my friends who already graduated for recommendations ..Oh well no point regretting now ...I just wish he stops doing that, dun know why he has this need to do everything in the fastest possible time even when its not necessary , its really irritating sometimes.
Oh yeah on the way there on the bus i was listening to Tool's Aenima and got so caught up in it i began singing along (oops!) and the auntie beside me started looking me in fear like i was some psycho or something. Oh well not the first time a woman thot i was a psycho anyway.

"He had a lot to say. He had a lot of nothing to say. We'll miss him. So long. We wish you well. You told us how you weren't afraid to die. Well then, so long. Don't cry. Or feel too down. Not all martyrs see divinity. But at least you tried."
- Eulogy by Tool

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Dreamed I was a fireman.
I just smoked and watched you burn.
Dreamed I was an astronaut.
I shot you down like a juggernaut.
Dreamed we were still going out.
Had that one a few times now.
Woke up to find we were not.
It's good to be awake.
Dreamed I was a tidal wave
I ravaged your coast, there were no survivors.
Dreamed I was your landlord.
I showed you place when you had lovers.
If I was a vampire,
I wouldn't suck your blood.
Then I dreamed I was you.
Sweetest dream I have had.
If you could hear the dreams I've had, my dear,
They would give you nightmares for a week.
But you're not here and I can never sleep.
Come home so I can be a creep.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

God i hate conversations where the gal just says like 3 -4 words at the most each time and expect the guys to come up with the conversation topic each time ! Just happened to me just now and it really pisses me off !

Haha even in games i cant get laid! Been playing this game, Neverwinter Nights, and today this female convict i was hunting offered to sleep with me if i spare her life , so i RELUCTANTLY accepted. (hey i was playing an evil character ok i had no choice !) as soon as i got my kit off the bitch stabbed me ! Yes I know how pathetic it sounds so pls dun comment abt that thank you!

Met a really annoying catholic yesterday, you know the type who thinks they have to tell how great their religion is to anyone who isnt a Catholic. I tried to steer the conversation to something non-religious but it was really futile. I talked abt Lord Of the Rings and she's like "Tolkien is a Catholic and he was really happy when his son became a priest" ..and im thinking should i say something like 'Praise the Lord' ...Then she was like preaching abt true happiness and like theres many kinds of happiness and by that time it was like 3 am so i just said gdnite and went to sleep ...