Sunday, January 2, 2011

Varian Wrynn Has A Strategy

Player: So, it seems Van Cleef had a daughter, and she's rebuilt the Defias in the Deadmines

Varian: WTF? GO KILL THEM NOW!

Player: What is the whole thing with the Defias even about, anyway?

Varian: LESS TALKING! MORE KILLING!

Player: I don't think I read the quest text closely enough. Aren't they architects and builders you owe a bunch of money to?

Varian: I OWE THEM A PUNCH IN THE JUNK. WITH A SWORD. GO SWORD-PUNCH THEM.

Player: You know, it's funny how you stiffed your builders, and now there's a giant smoking hole in the city, and the front gate has been on fire for the last month.

Varian: I AM TEH KING. MY ACTIONS DON'T HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

Player: All I'm saying is you should deal square with the construction dudes because your city is always exploding. Is there anyone who will work for you now?

Varian: I AM STILL GETTING ESTIMATES.

Player: I used to like the Park. It had a moonwell in it.

Varian: I WILL MOONWELL UR FACE.

Player: Well, anyway, Van Cleef's daughter is down in the Deadmines with a new super-Defias and an enormous cache of explosives.

Varian: SWORD PUNCH.

Player: That seems like a a lot of work. Why can't you just pay them?

Varian: IN TEH JUNK.

Player: It's funny; the only thing that has been built here lately is a huge statue of you in front of Stormwind Keep.

Varian: TOTALLY NECESSARY!

Player: How is that necessary?

Varian: SO ALL WILL KNOW I KILLED THE LICH KING.

Player: No, you didn't. I did, and I guess Tirion Fordring did. You weren't even there.

Varian: LIES.

Player: You showed up after that airship battle that you weren't in, and you backed down from a fight with Saurfang.

Varian: HIS CLEAVE IS OP NEWB CHEESE.

Player: Anyway, about Vanessa Van Cleef.

Varian: FACE-PUNCH! SWORD IN THE FACE!

Player: She has 5 million hitpoints, and she can dodge spells and hit for like 20,000 damage.

Varian: WHO CARES? NOT ME!

Player: Well, it's just that her abilities are very impressive compared to the Alliance forces.

Varian: FOR THE ALLIANCE! ALLY IS THE BEST! NO WAY WE LET THEM WIN TOL BARAD! ALL HIT SLAGWORKS! HOLD THESE THREE NODES AND DEFEND AND WE GG!

Player: Most of the Alliance rogues don't know to stand behind a mob unless there's fire there for them to die in.

Varian: WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?

Player: Well, it's just that there's a huge cyborg dragon out destroying the world with the help of the Cthulhu cult, and she could be an asset in our fight against him. But you want me to kill her because you're too cheap to pay the money you owe.