A Cathartic Journey of A Life in Flux.... trying to roll with the tidal punches.... the Ebbs & Flows. A journey into the Unknown...never the Less a journey I call my own

Welcome In..Look Around...there is much laughter, joy & tears to be found.

I will share with you a look at my life's journey. A look of who i am ...where i have come from & where I hope to be heading... I have so much to share...so much to say.... please feel free to join me on my journey... I appreciate your company & support

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

More then just a Mum....

Bringing a love & Nurture into my children's lives...

I guess this blog is close to my heart...& close to many of yours as well.. it is about Money..... or more importantly the lack thereof & the stresses one has when trying to secure enough funds to live a good life. To pay the bills & have enough left over to live a good life...have holidays... pay for extra things such as private Speech therapy or Occupational Therapy for the kids. Or even maintain special diets for children who have multiple food allergies & intolerances.

I am not in paid employment at the moment, so therefore I am relying solely on my husbands income. However, with times the way they are.... it is now very evident that this needs to change.....it can't last forever. I need to find a way of generating some extra family income. I need to find a way which will allow me to contribute to the families financial kitty. Yet still allow me the opportunity to be at home with my children... At least for another 18months whilst my daughter is still at home. Maybe when she starts school... things won't be so hard & I can simply get a social work/counsellor job.

Hoping for some Angelic help & guidance.... knowing what direction to take

My problem is that I can't simply just go & get a 9-5 job...I have young children that I need to consider. I feel as though my back is against the wall. I do feel disempowered, reliant upon my husband to provide. I also feel the stab of pain when he criticises my budgeting. I fully understand his 'fears' ... yet I know the reality of my situation as well. It is not easy being a stay at home mum ( parent) especially a stay at home Mum of a child with extra needs. It is exhausting, I don't get recognised for my contribution to society for my love & care that I provide.

I don't get lunch breaks, I don't get a pay packet. No I get the joy of feeling guilty because I am not contributing $ to the family. It is so easy to feel a little bit of bitterness & resentment creep up inside of me. It is not an easy road to take.Having hope that tomorrow will bring with it ideas & actions...new hopes & chances...new opportunities to be everything to everyone.... including myself.

I have been a working Mother & I found it stressful only in that I was working & still doing 100% of the household chores. This will

have to change significantly when I return to the workforce. I enjoyed going & having colleagues, using my brain, challenging myself & learning. Yet the pull on my heart strings was intense & I knew that the place for me wasn't at work....but at home being a SAHM.

So here I sit...stressed & annoyed with the incessant chirp of "what are you going to do" I do understand the financial situation, I do care, I do stress & worry...but hey I stress & worry about a whole lot of things...things that I have taken ownership of as being a SAHM. I feel like i have limited control & I need to snap out of that mindset & take action...be my own best friend. Get the ball rolling...

So how am I going to generate extra money? How am I going to feel good about myself...feel as though i am accomplishing some of my goals & dreams? But this is balanced with well why aren't i appreciated for who i am & all the other ways I am contributing to the family? Am I any less of a person because i am not working? Do you honestly think I prefer being a SAHM of a child with special needs? Do you really think this is my Nirvana? well if so...you are indeed mistaken..Dreams both near & far... long term & short term

I want to be contributing to society...adding beauty & depth...making a difference. I want to feel valued...in the personal & financial sense. I want to be doing something with the gifts that I have amassed along life's highway. I absolutely know of the incredible importance of parenting. I know that & can feel it in my heart of hearts. However my reality is that I need to do more then just parent. I need to be a financial contributor as well. Parenting cuts to the very core of me... as does being a women... being a creative being.... being a person... I have dreams of working as an Advocate... helping others who have walked similar paths. I have dreams of running a healing retreat.... yet I have to think hard & wonder if I am truly able to manifest these into my life.

feeling like driftwood thats cast upon the beach.... so much potential but for what????

So what can I do? I am at a crossroads & need to move forward.... I need to start contributing financially...that I understand. I have to think outside the box.... I have to be creative.... I basically can only do outside of the home work during the night...and if I did that when am i to sleep? when am I do parent? when am I do clean the house? & when am I to have a life?

This is so simple... I wish it was.... I'm struggling to come up with ideas.... I want more then ideas...I want action...I want answers... I want to be able to breathe easy knowing that I am pulling me weight. I want to not have to walk on egg shells at home because I am seen as an enemy who is reluctant to work. This hurts & is so far from the truth. Maybe this sounds a little dramatic, but this is what it can feel like.

So what can I do? I'd happily take ideas & suggestions. I would love to simply be able to write & sell my work... but that is a long term goal. I'm a little lost & stumbling through this haze of uncertainty & frustration. I know what is expected of me...I know my dreams & goals...and I know my reality..... trying to balance that & come up with a workable solution is the key.....I need to allow balance, love & light in my life. Not add extra stress... Ah what to do.... for an intelligent person I am having difficulty coming up with suitable ideas.The essence of my being...my children..my loves....

Where do I find that key..... the Holy grail..... I will let you know as I progress further along my quest...

3 comments:

Hi, you are very much in the same place as many other people. This explosion of passion has got your feelings out there.and not bottled up within. I will see what I can see for you. Like you when we are struggling for cash who will help us. Breathe and focus, be calm....

First, your gifts are being used to add to society by making sure your chidlren are the best that they can be. Second, everything doesn't last forever. Your children will not be young forever and your circumstances can change. Take it from me, things go up and they go down but they are never static. If it is any consolation this is a topic that so many of us are dicussing in today's economy and the world. The world economy is terrifying everyone and on top of that we are told by society that we are only valued by the amount of our paycheck (I blame feminists for that one). Anyway, this has been by two-cents. Unfortunately I have no solution since I have the same issues and no solution for myself either. :)