Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Aware Or Beware

Outside of November. Outside of Thanksgiving coming up. Outside of Christmas approaching , quicker than we expected, or might even be ready for . . .

It is, as it is every year, National Adoption Awareness Month.

The time set aside supposivelyto heighten the awareness of children in foster care waiting to be adopted. To shed adoption in it’s typical positive, glowing light, so couples everywhere will stand up and help a child in need.

It does sound good in the way it is worded.

Who in the world would not support such a thing? Who would ever question such a noble campaign to help children TRULY in need of a family to love and care for them?

You would have to be a pretty cold-hearted monster not to jump on that bandwagon and join in the festivities.

. . . EXCEPT . . .

. . . yes, I know, shocking that I would have an “except” to all of this . . .

The meaning of this month and the actual reality of this month are two different things entirely.

Where it might be stated that this month is only about raising awareness about foster care children, it, as always seems to happen, spreads its way into all forms of adoption. Muddying the waters, as the industry likes to do, so that every adoption is seen as a great rescuing effort executed by amazing couples saving children from lives of doom and gloom.

And their “awareness” falls short of what everyone, involved in adoption or not, should be knowledgeable about.

That’s my biggest problem with this month – the lack of true “awareness” that is actually offered while continuing to circulate the sunshine and roses stories.

I would just love to see honesty come from this time. I’m not seeking an excuse to try and discredit the love and dedication of adoptive parents. A denial of the sad truth that there are children in our world who truly are alone and deserve a family. Or a justification that any child should have to remain in a life of abuse or neglect.

But portraying only happy, wonderful stories of adoption, for whatever reason, fails adoptive parents, first/natural parents and adoptees alike. And worst of all, it fails those children truly in need and still waiting for a family to give them the security and love they deserve.

In 1990, the National Adoption Awareness Week was expanded into a full month and yet how much change has it really encouraged? Nothing has truly differed in the two decades that have passed. Children in foster care are still being overlooked. There continues to remain a ratio of over thirty couples waiting to adopt every one infant born. Corruption continues to exist in the International world and laws remain that literally leave mothers with NO choice.

And the adoption industry continues to profit billions of dollars, mostly unregulated, while thriving under the support of our very own government.

At this rate, we could have National Adoption Awareness Month into the next Millennium and there would still be nothing changed.

If we don’t make a conscious effort to also address the more difficult truths, we will never get anywhere. If we don’t address the reasons why adoption happens to begin with, acknowledge where so many have been failed and left with no other option but to lose their child forever, we will continue to spin our wheels without any positive outcome to the fact that so many children are left without the stability of someone to love and care for them.

If we want to have a TRUE month of awareness than we need to address issues such as NO child should ever be expected to give up their past to become a part of a future with another family. Their records should never be falsified or locked away from them, denying them the basic human rights the rest of us take for granted.

Lack of support, marital status, or financial strain should NEVER be an accepted reason to separate mother and child. Every mother, in every country, should be given the tools and help to keep and raise her child unless there is a solid case of the child being at risk for abuse or neglect.

And if there is that risk, and there is NO other choice but to remove a child from their mother’s care, than the importance should become one where a child remains within their biological family, their home-country, their own heritage and roots.

Adoption should not be an option. It should be a last choice. That final step that must be taken because every other resource or opportunity has been thoroughly explored and determined, morally and ethically, that it fails ONLY for the benefit of the child.

And even then, drastic changes need to be made. Hopeful couples should be required to be educated and well informed about any issues their children might face. Support should be mandatory for any adoptee from any situation that offers them the freedom to feel and react in the way they want without ever having to fear judgment or lack of support.

Adoptive and first/natural parents alike, should have no choice but to be made aware of the importance of always supporting and encouraging an adoptees right to know where they came from. Their family’s history. The talents, traits, and other quirks that tie them to so many that came before them.

Corruption, profit and deception, in adoption of all types, needs to be demolished. Honesty and true understanding of every truth that comes with separating a child from their family, their past, their roots, needs to not only be acknowledged, but accepted and understood before one can even be allowed to step a foot into the adoption world.

Our adoption awareness needs to be redirected, changed from where it resides today into a new perception.

If we truly want to make a difference than we need to start with building the “awareness” that adoption, as it exists today, fails children in so many ways. It does not make them most important, center on what is best for them and their future.

It doesn’t, because it can’t. And it never will as long as a child’s past is not respected. Falsified and denied records are allowed. Support is not offered and family is not preserved before separation becomes reality.

Until then, brace yourself, prepare yourself, and know the month of November might mean many things but it does not, and cannot, mean a true awareness of adoption and all the realities that come with it.

11 comments:

Since I am the first and only one to make any comment about your statements I guess this means that I am not the only one who thinks your writing is crazy and holds no merit. If you were saying something importnat there would be lots of other people who would agree with you. But there isn't which tells me what I already know that you aren't making any more sense to other people with a brain than you make to me. If you want to make an awareness of adoption how about you make it about how many children would continue to be unwanted if it wasn't for moms and dads who want to help them. My daughters bm knew she couldn't offer her the kind of life she deserved and she made the most unselfish loving decision she could when she made her adoption plan and placed her with us. unlike you she wasn't caught up on herself and justifying where she failed. She put all that aside to give my daughter the life she deserved just as God intended for it to be.I don't care if you mock this month because those of us who are wiser and more experienced than you realize just how important it is to encourage more people to adopt. because adoption means less children struggling in a life they don't deserve and less women aborting their children and more boys and girls actually having a good life they never would have known if it wasnt' for the miracle of adoption.Adoption is beautiful and to say different than that is to prove yourself as a bitter angry person who can't see the glory in Gods work as he offers better to the children who deserve it.

Goodness me anon, what got your knickers in a twist. I gather the reason there are no comments yet is actually because no one else has had a chance, like myself to see this yet.

You have jumped in here without really reading in depth this post... or with a true understanding of what it says. You talk about wisdom and experience yet you are not one with those qualities... in fact you are one of those types who chooses ignorance as it makes things easier for you to face.

You are sadly deluded in your views of adoption. There are many, many people out there: adoptees, mothers and adopters alike who know adoption is anything but beautiful. We know and accept the truth of its ugliness. It is sad you wear blinkers... but mostly sad for the child you have adopted. I would not be in her shoes for anything. Your refusal to accept any other view shows you are protecting only yourself and you are not being open minded for the sake of the child you adopted. You have so very much to learn and I hope you do for your adopted daughter's sake.

Anon#1, you are clearly a "rainbow farter" adoptive parent. There should be psychological exams for all people who want to adopt to eliminate the nut cakes, like you, who buy children and mind-f*ck them. I feel so sorry for any child you adopt.

Your claim of being more experienced in adoption than the author is ridiculous unless you've made adoption your life's work. As for being wiser, well, a wise person examines all angles before forming an opinion.

Tell me - did you adopt a true orphan, a child in dire need of a family? Many thousands of children right here in the U.S. NEED families and they may be adopted for free. Or did you pay an agency $20,000 or $30,000 to broker a baby exchange? You know, it's those fees that breed the corruption in this industry that you read about (should you care to look) as they would in any other unregulated arena. You know that though, you are wise and have researched this. Your agency only charged a reasonable service charge and actual filing costs, certainly under $700 right? And you are actively working to eliminate the widespread corruption which serves to cast private adoption agencies in such a poor light? You do agree that no mother should ever be coerced to give away her baby due to marital or financial status because, well because it is simply inhumane, right?

As adoption is all about the child, you realize your child will someday want to know where he came from, his inherited traits, strengths and weaknesses. That he will more than likely want to meet his parents and siblings one day, and you do rejoice in and support this natural curiosity, correct? Of course, you realize that, in 44 states, your child will be discriminated against simply because he IS adopted - prevented from obtaining a copy of his original birth certificate and, probably, a passport. And you are actively working to eliminate this discrimination? Because, as you know, adoption is all about providing the child a better life.

Please educate us on how you are wise in these matters as your comment was a little short on facts.

In case you are wondering, I am a 51 year old adoptee raised in a loving family. I base my opinions on much research of the good, the bad and the ugly of adoption. You?

To the first Anon, God does not intend for babies to be separated from their mothers. Where did you get the absurd idea that God intended for your adopted child to be with you? Sounds a bit ego-centric.

Adoption of infants is RARELY necessary. The mother of your adopted child should have been supported by the father and her extended family to help her raise keep and raise her child. That is the way families are grown over many generations. Adoption seeks to destroy generational ties break up families for mere convenience and greed. Now that is crazy.

Anon #1 - I am still trying to figure out if you are for real or just someone hoping to stir up trouble because your comment sounded almost as if you were reading from a script of stereotypical adoption beliefs.

**If you want to make an awareness of adoption how about you make it about how many children would continue to be unwanted if it wasn't for moms and dads who want to help them.**

Ouch! I sure hope you aren't telling your daughter she was unwanted and is just so lucky that you are the mom who wanted to help her. In or out of adoption, doesn't it just make sense that such statements concerning our children are harmful?

**unlike you she wasn't caught up on herself and justifying where she failed. She put all that aside to give my daughter the life she deserved just as God intended for it to be.**

Considering what my son went through, I could NEVER justify myself for where I failed him. But I can speak out and hope to educate others about some of the other truths that exist in adoption, so perhaps another child can avoid the heartache and grief my son faced.

As for your daughters first/natrual mom (I refuse to use the vulgar abbreviation you used)I cannot say one way or another what her situation is as you have left not even a name for anyone to reference. But I do know that MANY first/natural moms gave up their children not because they were making a selfless, loving choice, but because they didn't feel they had any OTHER choice. Because they were made to feel less than because they did not have a career or marriage or secure finances and nobody told them how important they already were to their child from the moment of conception.

And I am so bored of the "God" argument. If you want my thoughts on that please feel free to read previous posts I have published about my opinion of the way God is used in adoption.

**because adoption means less children struggling in a life they don't deserve and less women aborting their children and more boys and girls actually having a good life they never would have known if it wasnt' for the miracle of adoption.**

Struggling how? Because they might wear hand-me-downs? Because they might not get the fancy vacations or latest video games? Struggling because mom gets the help she has EVERY RIGHT to through government programs, non-profits and those who actually have a compassion and heart for helping others in need?

Struggling because they will never know the loss of adoption? Never have to be denied their own basic human rights? Will never be separated from the bond they formed with their mother while she was pregnant with them?

I'm interested to know what your view of struggling is exactly?

And I will repeat AGAIN - abortion and adoption are not related and adoption does not guarantee a better life, just a different one.

Anonymous, I usually keep religion out of this but I am with the others on this, with the addition of this. I am sick and tired of the "christian is the only way to live" jerks stealing children from others and then justifying it with their self-righteous crap!

You are ignorant. You have no idea of what you are talkig of other than your need to be excised of your guilt for child stealing. One day those children you stole, they will fight back. If they don't I pity them. Becuase you have taken everything from them - EVERYTHING.

In the United States there are over 3 million children in foster care at anyone one time of the day. Of those three million only 25% will be returned to their families. Of the other 75%, over half will end up in jail within the first year of being "aged out" - a lovely euphemism for dumped in the street - and homeless, without educations, directions or anyone that cares.

So shut your rainbow farting mouth until you have a single clue about what you speak of.

AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION I AM NOT A "BM" - I DO THAT IN THE BATHROOM AND I WILL NOT BE CALLED THAT BY ANY RAINBOW FARTING FULL OF HERSELF ADOPTER. I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAUGHTER'S MOM - ASK HER - SHE WILL TELL YOU - FEEL FREE TO FIND MY BLOG AND ASK - SHE WILL ANSWER YOU!

So there you go anon 1... I told you no one else had yet had the chance to respond and therefore your statement made no sense.

I wanted to add that as someone who was raised in the Christian church, I know God does not approve of adoption. The church has come along and twisted a reference made biblically into an ugly thing. Adoption has never been sanctioned by God and yet many people hang onto this to justify THEIR evil actions. In fact, by using God to do evil, you are separating yourself from Him as HE would NEVER welcome a person who does evil in His name into HIS kingdom. And before you try to argue about the theology of all this with me, I will save you the trouble as you have no where to stand. I am a pastor's daughter plus a former Missionary Kid so I have grown up DROWNING in the crap churches sprout and have been able to go back through it all and find all the holes. Church and God have nothing in common these days and you are just adding to the reasons why masses of people turn away. I am sure God is thrilled with that.

As for the adopted child you have in your possession, you have done her a great disservice by taking her into your home. The child's mother will always be another woman. She obviously did not have all the facts when she decided to place her and was unaware (as in the point of this post) of the damage adoption causes.

As a newcomer to your blog, I agree with everything you've said, and I'm surprised at the comments you've received. Without ranting on and on and on, I will say that I'm very tired of adoptive parents coming along and proclaiming how "great" adoption is when they haven't even attempted to look at it from the other sides of the adoption triad.

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I was sixteen and pregnant. Frightened and so confused. I remember the pamphlet my school nurse handed me. Pregnant? Confused? We understand. We can help you decide which option is best for you and your baby. I needed that. An adult who would comfort me, help me and not judge. Blindly I walked into the adoption agency, seeking help, information, and my life was never the same. They used my age and my emotions for their own gain. Their offered comfort came with one agenda in mind - to make sure I chose adoption for my unborn baby. I walked in their doors as an unknowing, trusting child. I walked out as a battered mother who lost more than she could ever imagine.

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In order to drive a car you must be of a certain age, to drink you must be a certain age, to have your own credit card or even your own bank account without parent signatures you must be a certain age - yet government allows very young vulnerable single mothers to sign a legally-binding document handing over their own flesh-and-blood, another human life, to complete strangers.- Claudia Ganzon -