Hackers in China have reportedly gained total access to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce's computer systems, including six weeks of emails relating to the lobbying group's Asia policy. After the FBI alerted the Chamber to the breach, the pro-business group hired private computer investigators to fix the problem. But the free market has been utterly helpless to stop this communist menace.

The hackers had at least six back doors into the Chamber's systems and were regularly transmitting data back to China, according to the Wall Street Journal. Unable or unwilling to sanitize all affected computers, the Chamber's private security teams ended up destroying some of them outright. Unable or unwilling to secure smartphones and laptops, the Chamber quarantined separate equipment for trips to China.

How did all this work out? Well, despite a big security investigation, the Chamber has no idea how long Chinese hackers owned their systems. And despite a security overhaul that included the installation of "sophisticated detection equipment," the Chamber has had repeated subsequent breaches, including a thermostat transmitting information to China (!) and, in March, "a printer used by Chamber executives spontaneously started printing pages with Chinese characters." Ha!

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Said the Chamber's COO,

"It's nearly impossible to keep people out. The best thing you can do is have something that tells you when they get in... It's the new normal. I expect this to continue for the foreseeable future. I expect to be surprised again."

We can at least rest assured that Chinese hackers aren't yet controlling the Chamber's outgoing messages. Declaring the status quo "impossible" to change, even in the face of catastrophic consequences and direct evidence that other countries have a better handle on things, sounds exactly like something a representative of American big business would do.