Everything Dies

Its a burden I carry 24 hours a day, conscious or not, its always there.

I could fly to all corners of the globe and it would still be with me...always lurking, always casting a shadow over everything I say, do and think.

Its been killing me for years, a slow aching death, carving a hole in my heart, in my head, every word that gets said, every smile I see, every emotion, every moment, good or bad, gets lost in the abyss of this depression.

I cant enjoy the good things in life anymore, I cant see any light to hold onto. I hold out for some happiness in my life, hold out to find someone that I can share my life with, but I know now that I can never have that, not in my condition. My mind is a void of indecision. I feel like im paralyzed because every option has a downside. I cant face any more negatives. Im too tired, dejected, dispirited.

I still have such naive, heady, stupid dreams. Its just plain dumb to believe I can ever find happiness, even for a day.

Aside from the problems we both face, the set of issues were both dealing with, I think my depression has played a major part in driving her away. Maybe, just maybe, if I didnt have this illness I would have had the strength, the desire to listen, to really listen, and find some solutions to all this but I cant, I dont, we just seem to be slipping further and further away. Ive failed, and now I just want to let it be, let it rest, let it die. I dont really "want" that, but it just seems natural to let it go.

I feel very lonely, its like everyone says, in a sea of people you still feel like the tinniest of pebbles, isolated from the rest, riding the currents and waves. Eventually left to rot on some beach somewhere, buried, unseen, alone.

There should be more to life, more to life than killing time, more to life than the four walls of my head, but there isnt. You can run all you like, nothing changes, your always a hostage, always a victim to yourself.

Theres only one way out. When my day comes I hope I find what im looking for, what I wouldnt let myself find in life, maybe the afterlife will cut me some slack and I can have it in death.

Matt - just know that I'm here for u, i care about u - a lot of people do and that there is a way past this. Sure this illness will follow u to every corner of the globe but it doesnt have to follow u for any more of ur life. Take control, keep busy, get a psychologist, get different meds, try different tehniques, get out and meet new people, take up a sport or hobbie...eventually, this pain will fade and b replaced by relief and happiness. Have faith darlin!

matt
hun. you aren't the only one lonely in the world, the only one struggling. life is just one big uphill battle that you have to fight just to get half way up. You have to think of positive things and i believe their are some positive things in your life. You have to fight for things you want as much as that sucks.

if you ever decide to get your ass on msn and stop isolating yourself your friends are there.but that choice lies within you.