The tales, legends and observations of a man who wakes up every morning expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Not Quite Weekend at Bernie's, but close

Dear
1998 Luke,

I
don’t have much time and I’m already taking a risk by doing this, but I have to
write to past me to let you know about some things. I can’t really tell you too
much, but there are a few things I can mention.

First
of all, don’t get your hopes up for the Cubs. Even when things look really good
and they’re only five outs from the World Series, remember that they’re the
Cubs. Also, if you get the chance to buy a ticket for a playoff game from a
Steven Bartman, you should probably pass on that. You don’t know him now, but
you’ll know his name, and you don’t want to be him.

Second,
this whole internet thing seems like it might just actually work out. There’s
going to come a time when you’re actually going to give up cable willingly
because you can watch most of what you want on the internet. There’s also going
to be time when people make Chuck Norris jokes online. You won’t find them all
that funny, but the rest of the world will. Don’t worry, the fad passes.

Most
importantly, I want to tell you about a really cool couple of days you’ll have
over Labor Day weekend in 2012. You know how you want to be a sports
broadcaster right now. Well, it’s only going to take 14 years, but you’re going
to get your wish. And here’s the best part. Not only do you get to broadcast a
game, but it’ll be available for millions of people. Your voice will be describing
the action for an unimaginable number of potential viewers.

Now
before you go thinking you’ve made it to ESPN to announce their Monday Night
Football games, don’t get too excited. (Oh yeah, they move Monday Night
Football to cable, but it’s basically the one thing you want to watch, but
can’t without cable. You survive.) Remember that internet thing I mentioned
earlier. Well, the Statesboro Herald actually gets the capability to broadcast
high school football games on the internet.

Seriously.
They do it on a weekly basis. It’s kind of cool. And they’ll ask you to do it
in addition to writing a game story for the newspaper. It’s a lot harder than
it looks. First of all, you’ll have to keep your own stats. It’s hard. You’re
making notes all over the place and hoping you can read your writing. Not only
that, but you don’t really know the players. You’re essentially winging it. But
anyone from around the world who has internet access will be able to hear your
broadcasting. That said, I doubt there’s a big clamoring for rural South
Georgia high school football in London or Sydney.

I
know, it’s not exactly how you see your broadcasting career starting. I’d
mention more about your career path, but I don’t think I’m allowed to without
risking serious violations from something called the PATRIOT ACT. I know, it
sounds like that’s a good thing, but it’s really not. You’ll understand later.

One
more thing I want to mention to you. You know how you love Georgia Southern
football? How you can’t wait for the autumn to get here so you can go to the
games? How you get into the stadium about an hour before kickoff to get a good
place to stand with your friends?

And
you know how much you’d love to be on the field during a game? Not as a player.
Dear God, they’d kill you. Even as a kicker you’d be scared for your life.
Well, what if I tell you you’ll get to do the next best thing? What if I tell
you that you’ll get to stand on the sideline during a game and even walk out
onto the field?

You
get that chance, but there’s a catch. You know the guy wearing the red hat who
stands on the field during media timeouts. That guy. The guy you hate and will
wish terrible things to happen to that man because he’s making the game take
forever and it’s 95 degrees in the shade and there’s no shade in sight?

That’s
you.

Now
here’s the good news. First, it’s a night game, so it’s only 88 in the shade
instead of 95. Second, it’s not on television, so you really can’t screw up too
badly. Third, and here’s the best part, is that you get a really cool view of
the game. I don’t care how fast the guys on the field look from the stands, you
really can’t truly appreciate it until you see it at field level. Those guys
are fast. Even the slow guys are fast.

It’s
a really cool weekend. You’ll spend Sunday taking your kid to the water park in
Statesboro (yes, you have a kid AND Statesboro has a water park. I know that
seems strange, but you’re going to have to trust me on this one.)

One
last thing. You’re going to meet a really hot girl sometime this year. The good
news is 14 years later, she’s still hot.

Don’t
screw up too much,

Future
Luke

P.S.
If you get a chance to invest Apple in the next year or so, you should really
do that. It might change everything about this letter, but we’ll make it work
somehow.