Brokencyde

Today’s weird band was brought to our attention by Richard, the man behind Army of Gay Unicorns. Dude knows his weird shit, and by his account, this band Brokencyde is not only bomb-ass weird, they are, in his words, “the worst thing I have ever heard.”

A quick search around the Interwebs for all things Brokencyde reveals that Richard is not alone in his low opinion of these four neon-shirted wiggers from Albuquerque, a city that, thanks to Breaking Bad, we mostly associate with crystal meth and now, thanks to Brokencyde, we will also associate with douchey white kids drinking 40 ounces outside their parents’ McMansions. To hear the music journos tell it, Brokencyde is the worst band on the planet. Which is bullshit, of course. Everybody knows that title still belongs to Nickelback. But yeah, Brokencyde are pretty bad.

Brokencyde’s music, if you could call it that, is basically a combination of shitty club hip-hop and screamo, a mutant strain of emo that’s really, really pissed at you for thinking emo sucks. Apparently Brokencyde’s stuff is called “crunkcore,” although we’re proposing right here that it be dubbed “douchecore” instead. It’s party music, sort of, but only for those parties that are shot through with social anxiety, desperation and the threat of meth-and-alcohol-fueled violence—the kind of parties where the next day, everyone talks about who got his stomach pumped and who got his jaw broken and which girls may or may not have gotten date raped after passing out in the bath tub. It’s party music for people who are, deep down, not really in the mood to party. They’re more in the mood to break shit, up to and including themselves.

Still, it must be said that Brokencyde’s greatest artistic achievement to date, the video to their early hit “Freaxxx,” is such a perfect storm of terrible that there’s actually something kind of genius about it. With its sad little cluster of girls, trying to look hot while the “screamo” guys shriek into their faces, the random dude in the pig suit, the suburban soccer mom-ish choice of rides (Range Rovers and Jaguars? really?)…no wonder someone smarter than me called it “a near-perfect snapshot of everything that’s shit about this point in the culture.”

By the way, if anyone cares, Brokencyde recently released their third (!) album, the aptly titled Guilty Pleasure. Would you be surprised if I told you it’s available exclusively at Hot Topic?

[Update: To give credit where credit is due, it should be noted that while we came up with the term “douchecore” totally on our own, these guys actually thought it up first. They even specifically applied it to Brokencyde. We might have been guilty of unconscious plagiarism on this one.]

It’s kind of sad how the first thing that most people think of when they hear “screamo” is that kind of… yeah, that. There are plenty of excellent emotional hardcore bands that use screaming in their music, many quite weird in a positive way, but they get overshadowed by what amounts to teenybopper metalcore.

Speaking of which: Pg. 99 might be worth a look for this site. Very ugly, very strange. Not so wonderfully named as I Wrote Haikus About Cannibalism In Your Yearbook (another deranged screamo outfit), but so it goes.

Often you can tell if a band is good or bad by how cool their hair is. That is why bands like The Cure are amazing, but bands like this are terrible. It’s all in the hair. (I like hair.)
I already hated them just from reading about them. After attempting to listen to them, I hated them more. This is the kind of band you want to kill. TO DEATH!
Also, they still have stupid hair. Where I come from, having stupid hair is a criminal offense.

unfortunately, (unlike a majority of the bands on this list) these guys have actually achieved some sort of large following and have played Warped Tour and actually tour full-time.

there is a whole slew of bands in this “genre,” but as far as anyone knows… none of them are good. (watchout! there’s ghosts, blood on the dance floor, 3OH!3, dot dot curve, dropping a popped locket, millionaires and edging in on the religious side of things… family force five… who also have a large following. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R_1HNvBsYU)

where this came from? only hell knows, but it would be nice if it returned there.