Society tells us a lot about what it means if our partner sleeps with someone else… Is it possible to watch and enjoy?

Cathy:Someone wrote in and said, “What’s wrong with you dude? You just sit there and watch while someone else fucked your girl,” and while the language wasn’t very polite I really think there’s a good point in there and something that’s useful to address.

Reid:We like all comments, and then you know, when you are really, really mean to us we might make of you. Hater comments, we love our haters to.

Cathy:I think our society does imply to a lot of men like if someone, a couple or group to consider opening up their relationship. There is pressure, and there’s a thought that if a guy watches his partner, a female partner, or even a male partner have sex with somebody else there is … you are not being masculine, you are being cuckold, you are being made a fool of or you are a wimp. I learned new points on that.

Reid:There’s a lot of different directions to go with this. One is if that doesn’t feel good to you then don’t do that.

Cathy:There’s good internally versus what society has taught us to believe, like it’s nice to be able to break free of what society says is the right thing …

Reid:Sure.

Cathy:… and do what feels good to you.

Reid:Is the situation that’s happening for you is that knee jerk reaction because you’ve never considered it, or if you’ve considered it, you are like that’s not my thing.

Cathy:Some people find it very hot, and some people that are in open relationships don’t want to see their partner fucking someone else. They don’t want to know. They are okay with them going off and doing that as long as it’s safe sex they don’t want to know.

Reid:It’s a consensual thing but it’s not a … I don’t need to be there for whatever reason. If you untangled the deconstructed cultural messaging, and then you are putting the world together back in a way that actually makes you happy then we could construe that this comment is like, “Dude, I don’t like watching my woman, or my partner have sex with somebody else.” Totally cool. You don’t have to watch your partner have sex with somebody else, and you could even create a relationship where you and your partner are monogamous so you don’t have to even handle that concern because it’s not a concern that you want to build into your life.

Cathy:Right. My concern about society is it tends to treat that belief is based on a time when women were thought to belong to their husband, and the partner didn’t have a choice in how they use their body. If you have an agreement, yes you’ve agreed not to do that but my body belongs to me and unless I have an agreement saying that I’m not going to share it with other people, I get to share it, and that doesn’t make the people I’m sleeping with less of a man, or less powerful because I choose to share my body with someone else.

Reid:When you deconstruct the ownership part of any kind of relationship, and that you’re partner’s “owe” you things, where you owe them then you are opening up a situation where okay, so now we have choice. We have agency, like I get to be empowered about these things, and then you can design the world, and the relationships, maybe not the world, but your relationship world that fosters and nourishes you and then you can also choose what … Here’s this area where I feel, “Ah, there’s something there, and I’d like to explore it. Can I watch you make out with somebody else,” or whatever, take baby steps. Hold somebody else’s hand at the ice cream shop like whatever so that you can lean into and feel into what’s going on for you, and if that’s an area you want to work on but then I’m also … I want to be cognizant of just because you don’t want to work on that area, doesn’t mean you are not involved, and that you have a right to create whatever works for you.

You don’t have to work on your … those issues if you are necessary, if you are monogamous, or something like that.

Cathy:Just don’t date people that are not monogamous.

Reid:The real message is and I’m sorry if I’m not being super eloquent is you are not un-evolved for having the likes that you have and for having the dislikes that you have, and in the sex positive world, we sometimes shame people for not being into everything. You get to pick and choose … this video is leaving you with the idea that like, “Oh, is this culture having it’s way with me? Do I like or want a culture having it’s way with me in this particular piece?” And even if I’ve reclaimed all of my agency and empowerment around this piece, what do I actually like, which is a lot more than most people get to in their entire lives. Whenever you can start having these questions, going down these little rabbits holes in ways that ultimately leave you feeling freer, and the people that you have relationships with feeling freer, then life starts to become really awesome.

You getting to have a life that you want, and partnering with people so they get to have the life that they want, whatever that life is, that’s the things as long as safe, sane and consensual that I think is evolved.

Cathy:Right, and if you made it this far congratulations. Even if this isn’t for you maybe you don’t perpetuate societies beliefs by shaming your buddies if they share that they’ve even had a threesome with their partners. Maybe we can let everybody deal with a more free and conscience about what we are choosing.

Reid:Then the world becomes a better place.

Cathy:Leave your comments below. We’ve love to hear what you thought, and what your questions are.

Cathy and Reid, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all of the information you put out. I have learned so much in the last year since discovering ReidAboutSex and TheIntimacyDojo. I am a 48 yr old woman who just recently learned how to masturbate thanks to your educational videos. My hetero fiance has recently expressed an interest in seeing me be intimate with a female. I have not considered this before as I have always been monogamous. I am not opposed to this interest. I have always found women to be sexually attractive and very beautiful. How do I explore this different interest? How do I decide if this is something I am really interested in doing? If I decide I am interested, how do I safely find a woman who is also interested in a sexual relationship with me? Additionally, I am in a committed relationship. I have no desire to share my male partner. How do I figure out a set of rules that are acceptable to everyone involved? Where do I get information? Thank you for your help. KrisT