Prior to last night, it's been a week since I drank. It seems to be a weekend thing; or at least that seems to be what my mind is viewing it as. This makes me think that down-time is making me more likely to turn to alcohol out of boredom(?) or something similar. Otherwise, keeping myself busy is helping a lot.

The GF still hasn't called, texted or visited, and I've still not been able to find my missing jar of give-a-fuck. It doesn't matter, really; I've got more pressing issues at hand. Not only do I suddenly have an influx of new clients but I'm also facing surgery in the next few months. Far too much to occupy my mind to let me sit and think about how shitty life has been and, in turn, make me want to drink.

Whatever works, right?

Sitting around and thinking about your shitty life is something well worth getting rid of. I've been there, and I think I was about your age then, and I drank a ton then too.

I learned to catch myself when I started to sink into the doom and gloom mode. I trained myself to have an alarm going off at the first gloomy thought. Then I would immediately go and do something different. It changed my life, and it also cut way down on my drinking.

Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man

Prior to last night, it's been a week since I drank. It seems to be a weekend thing; or at least that seems to be what my mind is viewing it as. This makes me think that down-time is making me more likely to turn to alcohol out of boredom(?) or something similar. Otherwise, keeping myself busy is helping a lot.

The GF still hasn't called, texted or visited, and I've still not been able to find my missing jar of give-a-fuck. It doesn't matter, really; I've got more pressing issues at hand. Not only do I suddenly have an influx of new clients but I'm also facing surgery in the next few months. Far too much to occupy my mind to let me sit and think about how shitty life has been and, in turn, make me want to drink.

Whatever works, right?

Does "prior to last night" mean you drank last night?

How did you feel during that week? I remember when I stopped drinking every day, I was amazed at how good my body felt in the morning. I always thought I never got hang overs. Boy was I wrong, I had just come to accept the shitty haze in the morning as just how I felt in the morning. I also got a mood boost out of it. When I was drinking, I'd wake up every morning ashamed. "Fuck.... I drank last night again.... Of course. " then I'd spend the rest of my day feeling shitty about myself until I started the cycle all over again. It felt good to just break that cycle.

Dom has a good point. Nothing wrong with self reflection, in fact you're probably going to need to do a lot of it, but try not to let it spiral into really dark places. Be aware of when you're getting there, and put a cork in things until another day. Or try a few therapist sessions to help you better sort your thoughts, and to give you tools to safely navigate that mine field. It helped me TONS.

here for you, Grats on the week, it's fucking impressive!

Edit: oh, and what surgery do you have coming up? Is it related to the health issues mentioned in the OP? One of the reasons I also started to reevaluate things was because of health reasons as well. My pancreas was starting to fight back. My body was telling me it was time.

I'm actually a bit of a coward though, cause I do still drink on occasion. Maybe once or twice a month, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. I'm still fighting this (and depression) myself, trying to find if alcohol has a place in my life at all, if I can control it to social situations, or if it's a slippery slope, so I know how hard it is. I'm just glad it's not everyday, I can be proud of that for now.

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta

Any time I've quit drinking, I've definitely felt 100% better physically. I sleep better and I have a lot more energy in the morning. Alcohol is certainly a poison, and it clouds the body as such. Plus, after I was binging for a long time and then stopped, about 4 or 5 days later, I noticed a spike in my testosterone levels; which was really nice.

Mentally, when I quit drinking, I'm either too busy to think/care about drinking again, or I'm sitting around fighting through cravings. And sometimes, even when I am busy, a craving will wash over me all of a sudden and I have to clench my fists and wait until it passes. This past week has been ok. I was busy and actually enjoying what is considered a "normal" sleep pattern and waking up without the haze. I drank on Friday and last night, and I'll confess, I plan to finish off the last 3 in the 6-pack tonight. But I have neither a plan nor a desire to pick it up again until next weekend. If then.

Thankfully, the surgery is due to a years-old workout injury. I ripped open my rotator cuff when I was about 17, but it healed and everything was cool. Then, 6 months ago, I did it again and I've been in agonizing pain ever since, so, I figured it was time to see the doctor about it. Sure enough, I'm all fucked up. Scar tissue in the joint, ripped tendons, all that good stuff. If I plan to take any kind of police test, I'm gonna need this fixed first. Of course now I'm all pissed off because I'll be out of the game for at least the next 6 months - maybe even a year. I'd use that time to finish a few of my books, but I can't type with one arm in a sling.

(24-08-2014 05:24 AM)Misanthropik Wrote: Any time I've quit drinking, I've definitely felt 100% better physically. I sleep better and I have a lot more energy in the morning. Alcohol is certainly a poison, and it clouds the body as such. Plus, after I was binging for a long time and then stopped, about 4 or 5 days later, I noticed a spike in my testosterone levels; which was really nice.

Mentally, when I quit drinking, I'm either too busy to think/care about drinking again, or I'm sitting around fighting through cravings. And sometimes, even when I am busy, a craving will wash over me all of a sudden and I have to clench my fists and wait until it passes. This past week has been ok. I was busy and actually enjoying what is considered a "normal" sleep pattern and waking up without the haze. I drank on Friday and last night, and I'll confess, I plan to finish off the last 3 in the 6-pack tonight. But I have neither a plan nor a desire to pick it up again until next weekend. If then.

Thankfully, the surgery is due to a years-old workout injury. I ripped open my rotator cuff when I was about 17, but it healed and everything was cool. Then, 6 months ago, I did it again and I've been in agonizing pain ever since, so, I figured it was time to see the doctor about it. Sure enough, I'm all fucked up. Scar tissue in the joint, ripped tendons, all that good stuff. If I plan to take any kind of police test, I'm gonna need this fixed first. Of course now I'm all pissed off because I'll be out of the game for at least the next 6 months - maybe even a year. I'd use that time to finish a few of my books, but I can't type with one arm in a sling.

Maybe I'll get one of my friends to ghostwrite for me.

I think there are computer programs where you can dictate and the computer types it...

Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man

(24-08-2014 05:24 AM)Misanthropik Wrote: Any time I've quit drinking, I've definitely felt 100% better physically. I sleep better and I have a lot more energy in the morning. Alcohol is certainly a poison, and it clouds the body as such. Plus, after I was binging for a long time and then stopped, about 4 or 5 days later, I noticed a spike in my testosterone levels; which was really nice.

Yup.

Quote:Mentally, when I quit drinking, I'm either too busy to think/care about drinking again, or I'm sitting around fighting through cravings. And sometimes, even when I am busy, a craving will wash over me all of a sudden and I have to clench my fists and wait until it passes. This past week has been ok. I was busy and actually enjoying what is considered a "normal" sleep pattern and waking up without the haze. I drank on Friday and last night, and I'll confess, I plan to finish off the last 3 in the 6-pack tonight. But I have neither a plan nor a desire to pick it up again until next weekend. If then.

Good news: The cravings largely go away quite soon.

Bad news: They can hit unexpectedly.

Quote:Thankfully, the surgery is due to a years-old workout injury. I ripped open my rotator cuff when I was about 17, but it healed and everything was cool. Then, 6 months ago, I did it again and I've been in agonizing pain ever since, so, I figured it was time to see the doctor about it. Sure enough, I'm all fucked up. Scar tissue in the joint, ripped tendons, all that good stuff. If I plan to take any kind of police test, I'm gonna need this fixed first. Of course now I'm all pissed off because I'll be out of the game for at least the next 6 months - maybe even a year. I'd use that time to finish a few of my books, but I can't type with one arm in a sling.

Maybe I'll get one of my friends to ghostwrite for me.

Good luck. I found forced inactivity to be dangerous to early sobriety.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.

(13-08-2014 02:22 AM)Misanthropik Wrote: So, many of you know that I've got a drinking problem. Of what type, I'm not entirely sure. Is it based on emotion? An inability to deal with life's overwhelming problems without escaping into a bottle? Or is it, at this point, a chemical addiction that leaves my body dependent on alcohol to continue functioning in a manner it perceives as "normal?"

I don't know. What I do know is this: Just over a year ago, I lost someone I cared about deeply, and I dove head-first into a months-long drinking binge as a result. While in the throws of this bout of self-medication and self-loathing, I met someone who took my breath away, and then proceeded, also, to take away every ounce of my dignity and sense of self-worth. This caused me to delve even further into my regimen of destructive reconstruction. I've not been able to stop for any significant length of time since.

Since approximately July of last year, I've consumed at least a 6-pack a night - sometimes 12 or more (typically followed by at least one bottle of wine) when I was feeling particularly disturbed. And what, in regard to overall health, has this caused? A massive, bleeding stomach ulcer that threatens to perforate and turn septic my otherwise healthy form. A liver that doctors say is far from healthy and needs time to heal; lest it be ripped out and replaced with a more suitable specimen. (As if they'd offer one to someone like me) A mind robbed slowly of its memory to such an extent that I can no longer recall precise events and conversations with those who assure me such instances were beyond the ability to forget. An already-damaged heart that has accepted abnormal palpitation as part of its daily routine because it can't remember a time when it wasn't basted in rhythm-disrupting toxins.

I once (and, at times, still do) took pride and found great enjoyment in my drinking habits. It's nearing the cold months, after all. The leaves are soon to fall and it's time to break out the old mug and dark lager for the chilly seasons that are to come. And hell, Miso being a drunk has become a source of comedic reference amongst my friends. "Oh that Miso," they say, "off on another drunken adventure. God bless him." And I'll confess, it's still quite fun. The look of unease on their faces when I come up with a drunken idea, and the subsequent look of relief and amusement when my idea pans out later on. Their assurance that it'll never work out because one of my eyes is half-closed and my lips are pursed, and their expression of sheer amazement when my plan has somehow worked out. Shit, the most fun of all is when I'm complimented on my ability to retain a fluent and sophisticated manner of speech while being shit-faced. Many an argument has been won and many a mind turned (and many a panty seduced into invasion) while I spoke from the depths of intoxication. I admit even still: I like who I am when I'm drinking, and I like the way that I feel. I find great enjoyment in the sensation of my legs floating through clouds as I walk down the darkest and most desolate of streets.

But the doc says I have to stop. She's done the scans and taken the blood. She's seen the MRIs and she says that I need to stop. For my own sake. I swear to her that drinking is more of a hobby than an addiction, and to an extent I am sincere, but her experience betrays my air of fraudulence - no matter how slight - and she assures me that I need to abandon that which makes me feel most alive for the sake of my health, and for the sake of my future. If I do not put down the bottle/glass/mug/chalice, I may not live to see the daughter I pine for at such great lengths. (Given my suicidal nature, is that really an assurance anyway?)

During my second-to-most-recent visit with the doc, she told me that my current girlfriend seems to be a source of anguish for me, and that her presence lends to my unhealthy habits. She advised - merely as a friend, rather than a medical professional - that my GF and I take a break. On the way home, I pondered this advice, but was unable to reach a precise conclusion regarding what course of action I would thence take. During the following days, however, my conclusion was reached for me. I texted my girl to inform her of new developments in my career, and yet received no response in return. Nothing. Not so much as a simple "congratulations." In fact, I've neither seen nor heard anything from her in over 3 weeks. (Despite her FB page being alive and well) I have no idea where she is or what (or even "who") she's doing. But do you know what?

I don't care. It is not in me, at this point, to care. I mean, hey, she promised to make all of my dreams come true once before dismantling every hope I had for us and fucking off into my past. Why would I ever be surprised that she backed out again? No, I do not care. All I can muster the energy to care about now is my personal future. I'm now a freelance trainer; no longer confined to the rules and whims and greed of a corporate gym. I'm also joining the police force; something I've long spoken about but never actually pursued. (Freelance training is merely a supplementary source of income, after all. Why not live both dreams at once?) I'm moving from my current state of purgatory and seeking new lands to conquer and inhabit so that I may practice my art(s) in fresh and inspiration-inducing environments. I'm bettering myself and moving forward whether certain half-hearted individuals can - or are willing to - keep up or not.

And yet, for all my efforts and tangible progress, I cannot seem to overcome the fucking urge to drink. I guess it's part of my persistent urge to destroy myself; I don't know. But it haunts me without relent. I've endured (a word chosen carefully) lengthy spells of sobriety, sure. I've gone up to 4 weeks without so much as looking at a vessel of alcohol - save for the occasional and unexpected beer commercial that's intruded upon my night-time TV viewing. But even so, I sit here now, typing this with 7 in the belly and one in the freezer awaiting my summoning. Why? Well, currently, I blame the pseudo-girlfriend. After all, I promised her I would quit as a show of devotion to her and not myself. But, as stated, despite my outreached arm, she's not shown the slightest hint of interest in me as of late, and so I receded back into my own little world with no one to whom I must prove myself and only myself to satisfy. But, even so, I now realize - given that, despite my anger, I truly don't care what she's up to - that there's something much deeper going on. Something that keeps me clinging to the bottle even though I'm not drinking to drown out the problems she and I have had, nor to dull the pain from past relationships which still cut me so deeply. Tonight, I told myself that I got drunk because my drink of choice was a new brew to which I've taken an immediate liking, and yet, somehow, I sensed that I was lying to myself.

In the end, the doctor tells me that I need to stop. And frankly, I don't want to. I don't know why. Emotions, an enjoyment of the drink, a chemical dependency; I don't know my reasons. I just know that the drinks are plentiful, and I don't want to stop. And yet, regardless of what I want, I need to. No client wants a trainer who smells of a hangover, and no police force wants someone who drinks every day - regardless of how it affects (or doesn't affect) his conduct on the job.

For the sake of my stomach, I'm going to try to stop until the middle of September. Until my birthday. Maybe overcoming this small obstacle for this small reason will be the first successful step in conquering this disease for ME. After all, I am all I have left now.

Misanthropik,

You clearly have an addiction. The key to overcoming any addiction is wanting to. I mean really wanting to. Without that, it doesn't matter how many times you stop, how many treatment programs you go into, how much help you have around you, or anything else. If you don't really want to stop drinking, sooner or later you'll pick up another bottle.

So, if you want to overcome this, you must definitively decide that you really want to stop drinking. And that means never picking up another drink. Never. Because one leads to two and then three and then... So never.

I would suggest sitting down and making a complete list of all the bad things that come with alcoholism. Everything you can think of - money spent, time wasted, relationships burdened or lost, killing brain cells, drunk driving penalties (if those apply to you), health concerns, hangovers, etc. Make it as long, specific, and detailed as possible. This will make the reasons why you should give it up very concrete and might help you decide that you really want to overcome this. You can also make a commitment to yourself to review this list first anytime you're tempted to have another drink and it might stop you from doing so.

You also need a replacement. Find something else to get "addicted" to. Something healthy could be a good choice because it directly opposes the alcoholism. For example, I started running regularly a few years ago after a 30 year absence from it. The more I ran, the more I was hooked on running. As I could run further and further distances, I wanted to run further still. I gave up a lot of unhealthy foods to maintain the nutrition that I need. Now, I don't even care about those unhealthy foods. I think even if I stopped running, I wouldn't go back. Running may not be for you, but maybe some other sport, for example. Or a hobby. Something that brings achievement and something to look forward to that can counterbalance things when life otherwise takes a downturn.

Professional help is also a very good idea and I would highly recommend it. Dealing with addiction is difficult to do all by yourself. However, I saved this for last because again, unless you really want to give up the drinking, professional help will only get you so far. Although, they may also help you with coming around to really wanting to give up the drinking. So that's something to consider as well.

By the way, alcoholism is a physical as well as psychological addiction. In order to give it up, you will need to endure a period of physical craving that you must resist. Get yourself through that, and then all that is left is the psychological part. That's where the list you made and the replacement you found will really help. Involve your family and friends too. Let them know what you have decided to do so they can help you resist the urge when they see you going for a drink.

Since some have asked: I've been sober for just over a week. (Not an accomplishment; it's happened before) Sadly, it's by force again, rather than by choice. My stomach ulcer has become much worse and now I can barely eat anything without waking up with a knife twisting into my gut; let alone drink irritating alcohol. I'll be seeing my doctor soon to get a blood test to see if I may have an H. pylori infection which is slowing down the healing process. Until then, I'm sober. Don't want to be, but, I have to be. I'll confess, I've got a fridge full of beer and even bought a bunch of new fancy beer-drinking glasses that I just had to have. The temptation is everywhere, and unlike once before, I've not taken steps to rid myself of it. It's driving me crazy, but I have little choice but to see this through.

After everything, it seems I have no real intention of quitting. I like to think I do. I like to think that talking will turn into desire and desire into action, but it's becoming clear to me that I just don't care. I really thought I did. And maybe, in times of duress, I do. But overall, I don't. I don't know why, but I don't. I thank you all for your encouraging words as they are appreciated sincerely. But I won't be bitching about this anymore. It's just a waste of everyone's time and exposes more weakness on my part than I'm comfortable with - even online.

(09-09-2014 12:06 AM)Misanthropik Wrote: After everything, it seems I have no real intention of quitting.

Misanthropik, it's ok if you don't want to talk about this further here. My post isn't intended to bring you back in. It's completely up to you of course. But I just wanted to say that this statement that I quoted says a lot. First, it's great that you recognize that because a lot of people in your situation can't or won't admit that. Second, it honestly scares the hell out of me because the drinking is going to continue chipping away at your health until it quite possibly may kill you.

But you don't have to let it get that far. The statement that you just made is a red flag that you need help to deal with this. Please seriously consider an alcohol rehab program. They can help you with wanting to quit as well as with quitting. At the very least it's worth a shot to try. Your life may literally depend on it.

(09-09-2014 12:06 AM)Misanthropik Wrote: After everything, it seems I have no real intention of quitting.

Misanthropik, it's ok if you don't want to talk about this further here. My post isn't intended to bring you back in. It's completely up to you of course. But I just wanted to say that this statement that I quoted says a lot. First, it's great that you recognize that because a lot of people in your situation can't or won't admit that. Second, it honestly scares the hell out of me because the drinking is going to continue chipping away at your health until it quite possibly may kill you.

But you don't have to let it get that far. The statement that you just made is a red flag that you need help to deal with this. Please seriously consider an alcohol rehab program. They can help you with wanting to quit as well as with quitting. At the very least it's worth a shot to try. Your life may literally depend on it.

One of the problems is the little voice that says "It won't get that far. Don't worry. Look at dad: he drank a 12-pack every day for over 20 years. He's still alive and kicking. And that's him. You're you. You're awesome. You've got even more of a handle on this than he did. You're immortal. So have a drink, son."

I'm sure the voice is just blowing smoke up my ass, but it sounds damn convincing. Even when I know it's wrong.

Another problem is bringing myself to care whether or not it gets that far. I've got health issues, yeah, but they're relatively minor in comparison to...you know...being dead. But even if I were on the brink of death, would I care? I really don't know.

(09-09-2014 12:06 AM)Misanthropik Wrote: Since some have asked: I've been sober for just over a week. (Not an accomplishment; it's happened before) Sadly, it's by force again, rather than by choice. My stomach ulcer has become much worse and now I can barely eat anything without waking up with a knife twisting into my gut; let alone drink irritating alcohol. I'll be seeing my doctor soon to get a blood test to see if I may have an H. pylori infection which is slowing down the healing process. Until then, I'm sober. Don't want to be, but, I have to be. I'll confess, I've got a fridge full of beer and even bought a bunch of new fancy beer-drinking glasses that I just had to have. The temptation is everywhere, and unlike once before, I've not taken steps to rid myself of it. It's driving me crazy, but I have little choice but to see this through.

After everything, it seems I have no real intention of quitting. I like to think I do. I like to think that talking will turn into desire and desire into action, but it's becoming clear to me that I just don't care. I really thought I did. And maybe, in times of duress, I do. But overall, I don't. I don't know why, but I don't. I thank you all for your encouraging words as they are appreciated sincerely. But I won't be bitching about this anymore. It's just a waste of everyone's time and exposes more weakness on my part than I'm comfortable with - even online.

Again, I appreciate it, everyone.

Have you thought about this? Your brain tells you to quit but you don't so your body is telling you to quit.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF