neurotic Iraqi wife

September 14, 2010

Que sera sera...

There was always this nagging feeling deep within me that Im on this earth for a reason. God put me here to do something, to be someone. And no,Im not talking about fame, nor fortune. I had so many questions, asked him everynight. Why? Why am I here God? Why bring me into this foresaken world?Night after night for so many years I asked him. Yet he never replied. Or maybe he did and I never heard. Or maybe I heard but I didnt want to listen.

Today after all these years I stopped asking. I stopped asking not because I gave up but because I now know what the answer is. I finally got to listen. I finally managed to make sense of it all. Sense from all the non sense around me. I always thought that Id be a writer. A writer with a voice. A voice for the people. The Iraqi people. Unfortunately though, I failed. And failed miserably. Though my voice was loud, it wasnt loud enough. My words may have been strong but not strong enough. And just like I did, people may have heard me, they heard me but chose not to listen. Now my calling is beyond any love. Any love for one's country, beyond any love for one's people. Now my calling is more than Love. Its way way more than that. And my voice will be louder. Much louder than it ever was. Because this time, this time its about survival, survival of the closest being to my heart.

My journey as a wife has come to an end. Im still a wife, but more importantly I have begun a new life. A new life as a mother. A mother of 2 beautiful creatures. This time though, the journey will be long. Long and rough. It started already on board of a long haul flight. A long haul flight thats taking me to places Ive never seen. Places Ive never heard of.

And so my friends, I want to thank you. Thank you for all your words. Thank you for all the support Ive had throughout these years. I want to thank you for being there for me when HUBBY abandoned me for our country. I want to thank you for being there for me when I was bombarded by rockets. I want to thank you for sharing with me my dreams, my hopes, my sadness. Each and everyone that read and posted on my blog, be it good or bad you were and will always remain a part of that initial journey. A part of neurotic iraqi wife's life. A part of my past laughters and past cries. So thank you. Thank you for every word you have written to me...

Right now though I have landed to my first destination. Its a far far away place, but if you know me well enough, and still want to accompany me on this long haul turbulent flight, there is no doubt you will be able to find me. I will not publicize my new place/blog for I did that mistake before. So for now, this journey has come to an end. A Bitter Sweet end. And just like my dad used to always sing to us, Que sera sera whatever will be, will be...The Future is not ours to see. What will be will be...Que sera sera....

NIW,Congratulations on becoming a mother! Sorry for not having posted/come around much as of late, I've been in full study mode (I'm finally in grad school) and spare time is extremely hard to come by.

Sorry to see you go...it's been a pleasure reading your blog and sharing in your journeys. For allowing us to do that, I humbly say thank you! However, I know that by moving on your moving on to a new chapter your life, hopefully one that'll be filled with much joy!

I'll see ya round, hopefully! You know how to get ahold of me ;-) Best wishes!-Matt

Sandybelle, its been a pleasure having you as a reader. I do apologize for not always responding to your comments, but I assure you, I always read them and smile. You are an amazing young lady, and a brilliant future is ahead of you. You are smart and passionate. Thank you for reading and most importantly thank you for being an inspiration...

Thanks Chas. Unfortunately, no one prepared me for what Im going thru at the moment and I doubt anyone could have. But Im trying as hard as I can to remain strong so I can pass this hurdle. Thank you for continuing to follow my posts, you are one of a few :)

Matt!Congrats on grad school!How do you find it?

Dubai sunshiiiiiiiiiiine!!!Long long time!!!Oh definitely our cyber paths will cross, dont worry I will let you know of my presence once Im ready. Hope all is well with you...

I've followed your blog for the past three years, or more! Thanks for letting us know you're shifting gears, and not just 'disappearing.' What a story you'll be able to tell your boys when they're older. As a final bit of philosophy: I'm a GREAT deal older than you, a time when it's tempting to look back and review the years. I've concluded that raising my three sons was the best thing I've ever done, the most rewarding, and the most important -- more than the good fortune of money, work, awards, friends. Last time you wrote you indicated you were considering the next move might be the States. I do wish there was some way to read any new chapters about your life that you might post. Maybe you could let us know an email addy for sincere fans and friends might ask for a new blog site. Whatever. You've got such a talent for describing personalities of the people you meet!

I followed your blog silently and read every single word of it. Your blog was my comfort during the very tough time when you were back home. One of your blogs touched me personally and I hope one day we will be able to meet and talk about it. I think, now it is my turn to help you with what you're going through. Please, let me know if there's any form of contact that I can reach you by. May Subhanahu Ta'allah provide you with the strenght you need.

DWITT, thanks for your kind words. It really means alot alot to me and makes my heart skip a beat to know that there are still people with me. Im going through a very rough time, and I need all the support and prayers that I can get. Thank you again...

Mk, your initials are exactly like mine....but shhhh dont tell anyone ;) and btw age is just a number. Even though Im in my thrities, gosh I feel like a very very old woman at the moment. My dad was turning 72 and blv me if I say he was far more stronger and younger than me and all the people I knew. So yeah middle aged or not, its whats in your heart my friend. I had big dreams for my sons, and still do but the road im treading is far away from normal...Thats the bummer..I just wish to god I will be able to wake up from this nightmare and it will only be that, a fleeting nightmare...

You can reach me on neurotic_wife@yahoo.com

Anon, now Im curious. Which post is it?Oh I so pray to god that someone somewhere can help me...I so so wish that...Unfortunately, no one can...No one but the power above me...

It's me again, about the post I mentioned, it was the Dead Emerald City, July 04, 2007, about B. Dear, keep your faith in Subhanahu Ta'ala, he's the only one to solve The problem. However, he paves a road for you where you might meet someone who can help with the small things that your mind does not worry about but occupied by it. I definitely meant this type of help, otherwise, I think, you really need his power.

I wish you all the best. I will miss your posts, as I have been reading for 5 years now. Wow, that sounds kinda stalker-ish, lol.

Hubby and I will be living in Saudi Arabia while he works there. The children and I will move soon. We plan on coming back to the states eventually, back to our farm. I will get to home school and I'm so excited about it!

Yes, life is always throwing us things when we really don't feel we can handle any more, but somehow, we just add it to the things we are already juggling.

every time i go to your blog i have tears in my eyes, i just cant read your last posts without tears, i feel like i know you for long. hoping the best for you in life ....i ve been through a tough time like you many years ago and still remember moment with my dad and mom...thats life ...keep your walking in your journey

As the mother of two son's (one of whom is now serving in the ME) I know what you have to look forward to as you raise them. I have enjoyed reading your blog these several years and will miss your adventures. Wishing you peace and happiness as you begin this new chapter in your life.

I have read your posts for many years now and I just caught up with you today, after your last post recent post of fleeing Iraq. I wish you happiness and blessings and I know you will be a wonderful mother and your Hubby must be a wonderful man. And, may someday we all meet again! I think of you often and I will continue to think of you and your and may all the blessings God has for you be fruitful and generous!

Hey NIW,...I just visited your blog for the first time and I am disgusted with your over-privileged middle-class bullshit, do not excuse my language I intended to offend, how can you live the 'high' life among your compatriots while they are being butchered and abused by your "HUBBY's" yiddish jU.S.A paymasters? You are a disgraceful SHILL!

I will not be back; the Iraqi people and their supporters throughout the world have no need of your manicured finger-nails and air-headed drivel.

I have followed your blog for a few years and enjoyed every entry. In the beginning you were shallow and mainly interested in fashion and your getting your distracted husband's attention. From there I watched you mature and go from dedicated worker in Iraq and true believer in the new Iraq. Then you began to question it all - and I think your posts were the best - deeper, more probing, more reflective. Now you have come full circle in a way - back to the value and tribulations of family. You are a terrific writer. I missed your frequent blog entries and even worried about you when your entries were sparse. I wish you luck on your personal journey and thank you for enriching ALL our lives through your eyes. I will miss you. Sally

Oh Dear Neurotica! I am so sad to come upon your blog after searching for some time! I would tune in frequently a while back and lost my computer to virus and when I got it back all my favorites where gone...Today I decided to come and see how you were to sadly see you leaving us. I never commented much, but often reflected on your writings. Your a strong, powerful woman and the journey you travel may it be an easier one for you. With much love and respect... - a california woman -I hope I can find your writings again again where you pick up at....Blessings to you

I, too, am a long-time reader/fan/admirer of Neurotica's writing. Although she says she will post no more, I still check in at least monthly. I'm sad that there may be a new site with more of her writing, but I'm just feeling hopeless. If ANYBODY has a clue, please post it here in these comments section.

We recently invited you to participate in an online survey run by the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard University and Global Voices Online about online safety for bloggers in the Middle East and North Africa. To the best of our knowledge, we have not received your response to the survey. You can participate in the survey by following this link:

http://new.qualtrics.com/SE?Q_SS=3JGiSZuK6rMSQPW_3lL0Mo11yPXn2lu

The survey will be available until May 18, 2011. Please feel free to contact us with any questions you may have. You can reach us at mena-survey@cyber.law.harvard.edu.

Thank you in advance for your time.

With appreciation,The Blogging Common TeamBerkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard University

"Que sera sera whatever will be, will be...The Future is not ours to see"

This song is indeed true. Whatever lies ahead on our future, will happen, and there's nothing we can't do about it, but to learn to be happy with it. Hope you are alright through these years that passed by since you had posted here. God speed!

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A confession, I have finally joined the neurotic wife club!!!Is there such a thing? This blog is about me being an Iraqi wife whose husband chose to rebuild his country over building his new life with his new wife, ME!!!