The English Language

I don't remember where I got this, but feel free to enjoy it anyway.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet or bread, are meat.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~One index, 2 indices?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while
a wise man and wise guy are opposites? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course,isn't a race at all).~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?