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Firstfruits of 21 Secrets

For one of the workshops at 21 Secrets, we were tasked with writing a bio. Here’s mine:

Let me see. . . What can I tell you about me? I’m a 59 year old American woman named Trece.

I deserve a medal for staying married to the same man (for whom I do not feel love) for what will be 34 years in June. And I’ve not broken my vows. Ever.

I had 3 daughters via C-section, though I planned for homebirths. I nursed them all to age 5 and then homeschooled them to age 18. They are the joy of my life, and break my heart daily.

I really don’t like my father (I daren’t say hate). I am waiting for him to die. Then I will be free, and hopefully I’ll inherit some money. Now THAT will free me, indeed.

I’ve had a varied career trying to make money. I’ve been a crafter, sold books, had a preemie clothes business and worked in health insurance.

I took my degree in Theatre because it was fun, and English because I like to read.

I lived abroad for a year, as a teenager.

I am trying on the idea of me as an artist, particularly an Art Journaler.

I have kept journals for 45 years. Sadly, I’ve destroyed most of them. Too much pain and too many things I didn’t want others to know.

I know how to sew (It’s funny. When I wrote this out by hand, I wrote “see”. Hmm. . .) and have 2 good machines. But I don’t sew anymore. I also know how to knit and crochet.

I want to make soap again. As a business. . .

I am aching to find something (besides Jesus) to make my life worth living.

After that, I wrote this:

I am pain.

I am a human doing, not a human being.

If it weren’t for my boxes (the limits that ‘describe’ me), I fear I wouldn’t BE, that I – my essence – would just blow away on the wind, like dust.

After I watched part of one of the class videos, I had to sit with these words:

“As I begin writing, there are absolutely no limits. I become the very thing I love”.

Well, what I love is the ocean. I pondered my feeling of being blown away like dust. In my art, that would translate as glitter, since the glitter I have looks (in its bottle) like sand. But as I thought about becoming what I love, I thought of seafoam. It too, disappears in the wind. Which made me think of Hans Christian Anderson’s Little Mermaid. She sacrificed her SELF – her actual existence – for what – actually WHO – she loved. In the end, she became seafoam.

I think that’s what I’ve done with my life. When I met my hsband, I ceased to be ME. I became instead my imaginings of a “good wife”. My hope now is that I will be able to find my way back to me. I guess that’s why I joined 21 Secrets.

Trece, my heart hurts for you. Maybe because many of the things you’ve written hit so close to home. You were created for a purpose. You have gifts and talents, seeds planted in you to help you to achieve that purpose. Keep asking, seeking, knocking. I hope you uncover and develop them as you search out those 21 secrets. “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He also has planted eternity in men’s hearts and minds (a divinely implanted sense of a purpose, working through the ages which nothing under the sun but God alone can satisfy)…Eccl. 3:11 (Amplified Bible) Hang on, His grip is sure.