Saturday, June 11, 2016

I remember being pregnant and having crazy, intensely emotional dreams. They felt especially real.

{No, I'm not pregnant} If I use the term sometimes circulated in the adoption community I'm "paper pregnant" though. Meaning our papers are done and we're just waiting for our baby. So! Can being paper pregnant cause those kind of dreams too? Because I had one last night. The second one in the last month or so.

I dreamt that I met our little girl last night. It felt really real. Like I can still feel her tiny arms around my neck when I picked her up. The overwhelming feeling of joy to meet her, to know who she is. To love a child I just met. (I've experienced that feeling 3 other times before. Once in an office and two other times in a hospital.) While I held her my heart ached with happiness and tears wetted my face. I wanted to learn everything about her and memorize every detail of what she looked like. I didn't want to let her go...

And then I woke up.

It felt so sudden, as if someone ripped her away from me. I sat straight up in bed and the tears in my dream were really wet on my face. My heart hurt as if I had lost the little girl I had finally just met. The little girl we've waited so long for.

I did finally go back to sleep. I think I was hoping that I would find my way back to that beautiful happy place with her, but I didn't. Instead nightmares of loss found me. Just like happened the last time I dreamt about her and then went back to sleep. As if when I go back to sleep I can't reconcile the loss my heart is feeling upon waking up.

And now I have a rainy day to match my mood. As if the sky is crying with my heart. Luckily I know the sun will be shining by tomorrow.

I do wonder if when we really do meet her if I'll be afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep that night for fear that I will wake up and find it to be a dream.

**The night that I posted this entry I put Max to bed and sang to him as usual, but verse 2 to 'You are My Sunshine' really struck a chord:
"The other night dear, when I was sleeping...I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken. So, I hung my head down and cried."

About Me

We live back in Utah now where I am lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom and Mark is a foot/ankle doc. We have been blessed with three beautiful boys...one through adoption, and two through in-vitro fertilization. Every child is a miracle, but that is our story...and this blog is about us awaiting our next miracle as we journey through the process of international adoption. Feel free to follow us through the ups and downs (one miracle at a time)!

Our Adoption Timeline

International adoption has had a place in my heart since I was very young. In the fall of 2000 Mark and I had a sincere heart to heart about that (before getting engaged) and agreed that was something we were committed to wanting to do together when the time was right. At the time we were leaning toward an adoption from Asia (likely China).

3/2006 After an unexpected several year struggle with infertility we adopted our first son (domestically).

8/2006 We began paperwork to adopt from Haiti (through West Sands Adoptions) until we were presented with an offer for a paid IVF cycle, which worked and we became pregnant with our 2nd son. Later we used our remaining frozen embryos for a final IVF cycle, which resulted in our 3rd son.

12/2010 Haiti was dealing with the aftermath of its big earthquake earlier that year & starting an adoption at that time would be difficult. We started looking more seriously into different adoption programs in Africa.

2/2011 Honed in on adoption from Ethiopia and began researching agencies.

2/24/11 Webinar we scheduled with AGCI was cancelled and I decided (other than adoption blog browsing and web research), that we would shelf things and focus on our little guys until we felt it was time to pursue this.

3/11 Big changes happened within the Ethiopian government regarding adoption, and I became nervous about the slowdown with processing of Ethiopian adoptions and what that would mean down the road for us.

9/12 Felt strong tugging at my heartstrings again. Started researching adoption programs again and always came back to Ethiopia and AGCI.

10/3/12 Submitted preliminary application for Ethiopia program to AGCI!

10/5/12 AGCI requested further info to process prior to submitting our official application and fee (which we provided).

10/8/12 We were given the green light to submit our official application!

10/12/12 Send a huge list of detailed questions (in addition to those our kind coordinator had already answered) about the agency - we needed these questions answered before proceeding.

10/19/12 Received email back with detailed answers to questions, but also a request to contact them before submitting an official application (which made me nervous).

11/21/12 After reading responses from AGCI and lots more research on my part I called AGCI back and left message.

12/14/12 Finally heard back from AGCI (after 2 voicemails and emails) and they apologized that they had been backed up due to an unexpected increase in contacts after some positive media exposure (a bit on Extreme Home Makeover)...BUT they told me that although their agency was fine with approving us that they didn't think that USCIS (immigration) would clear us due to our excessive student loan debt. If that was the case we were not only not candidates for this agency or program, but for international adoption at all. I was devastated...for a few hours, and then I got on message boards and phone calls. I searched the USCIS website and called them and they said that it is based on debt/income ratio and is case by case (no $50,000 limit as had been explained to me). I also made contact with other physician families online that had $200,000+ student loan debt like us who had recently adopted. I called AGCI back with this information.

12/28/12 Got call from AGCI that their director personally took a look at our profile and approved us to move forward. She looked into where that USCIS limit info came from and it was from a case one year ago where a family was denied at immigration for excessive student loan debt (100K, but they didn't have enough income to compensate for it) and at that time the general guideline of 50K was sited at that time, and taken as a set limit by that case worker. I hope that by this information being brought to the director's attention that other families wanting to adopt won't be turned away at the screening process like we were!

12/31/12 We turned in our official application and $300 fee to AGCI!

1/7/13 Dr. letter from my cardiologist requested from AGCI, as well as personal statement from me on my heart condition.

1/16/13 Took paperwork to cardiologist and also submitted my personal statement.

1/25/13 Cardiologist faxed in his letter giving me his green light. Now we just wait for approval from the social services department and our official acceptance into the program!

2/1/13 We were notified that we needed documentation of compliance with post-placement requirements from Noah's adoption before approval. This information was provided.

2/5/13 We are officially approved with AGCI!!

2/12/13 We completed our first mandatory conference call with AGCI.

5/16/13 Paperwork notarized!

5/20/13 Had one paper re-notarized (was done wrong) and we selected a new home study agency (WIAA) since our old one is closing.

5/28/13 Received update from our agency that our likely wait time has now increased by an additional 18 months (so, now 42 months from dossier to referral) - totaling an estimated wait time of 5 years now for the whole process :(

5/31/13 Had first phone call with our assigned caseworker, Brandi, (versus our inquiry coordinator)...and then we were re-assigned to caseworker named Toni 3 days later when it was announced that Brandi departed the agency.

6/25/13 Notarized finished paperwork for local agency (WIAA) to complete our home study.

11/19/13 Submitted new paperwork to USCIS (they sent everything back and needed an updated form) & turned in one revision required for dossier.

11/20/13 Finally got the call that as of today we are on the wait list!!!!! Today is our official dossier completion date that we will track on the wait list!

12/9/13 Received letters from Homeland Security with our assigned immigration fingerprinting appointment times (different than the FBI fingerprinting we already did) necessary to receive approval for our I600A.

1/29/14 Update was received the the government does not have intention of closing their adoption program. Yay!

2/11/14 Received frustrating update from AGCI that our estimated wait time has increased to 5-6 years from log in date to referral (so 6-7 years total wait including our initial paper chase). Our LID was 11/20/13. We are remaining faithful in the Lord and His timing.

11/12/14 Received information hinting that our agency will be closing the doors on our Ethiopian adoption.

11/14 AGCI closes it's traditional Ethiopia program, leaving only open applicants for older, severe special needs children. We are heartbroken and unsure where our adoption journey will lead us...

12/12/14 After lots of intense research and prayer we turned in our initial application to adopt from Haiti with Wasatch International Adoptions

4/7/15 Verified dossier and translation (into French) sent to Haitian consulate in Chicago today for further authentication! ($950 paid: $450 for authentication and $500 to pre-pay for courier costs to Haiti)

5/18/15 Received approval notice from USCIS!!!...but now we found an error in it.

5/26/15 Received the updated USCIS approval today!

5/29/15 Complete dossier mailed off to WIAA for review!

7/31/15 AGCI (prior agency with Ethiopian adoption) officially completely closes the remainder of their program for older child special needs adoptions.