Setting off on the right foot

TO MARK this very special week in which the Accession-Generated Enlargement Negotiation Dossier Avis (Agenda) 2000 was launched, Voicebox wouldlike to offer an extremely warm welcome to all the successful applicants and wish them every success in the advanced training course in obfuscation, fudge and flannel upon which they are now embarking in the run-up to graduation day in 2004.

European Voice

7/16/97, 5:00 PM CET

Updated 4/12/14, 2:21 AM CET

No one is saying that what lies ahead will be easy. Indeed it won’t. It will be tough. There will be many obstacles along the path to full membership; dozens of totally unforeseen political, social and economic traps to fall into.

But Voicebox has no doubt you will all get through your finals better-versed in the art of Machiavellian double-think and competent to cope with the years of squabbles and trade-offs ahead over regional funds, farm budgets, Trans-European Networks and why Poland, Hungary, the Czech Republic and all those other places have been left off the map on the euro coins and notes. Fun times ahead!

For now, it is enough just to show you around theplace and clear up any doubts there may be about which building is which and who works where. Heaven knows, there is still enough confusion among existing member states and their citizens, so don’t worry if things get muddled up to start with.

If you can learn what follows by heart, it will certainly help, but it may take some time. Here we go:

The European Parliament is the democratic wedge between the proposal-making European Commissionand the decision-taking Councilof Ministers. The European Parliament is the only European Union institution which is an elected body, but it has less real power than the others.

None of them have as much power as the European Court of Justice, which is the final arbiter in disputes involving interpretations of European law. The European Court of Justice should never be confused with the European Court of Human Rights, which is in a different place and which serves the Council of Europe which is not the same as the Council of Ministers and which involves lots more member states than the European Union although all of the European Union member states are members of the Council of Europe.

Equally, the European Commission of Human Rights, which is in Strasbourg, should never be confused with the European Commission, which is not. The European Commission is in Brussels and has nothing to do with human rights, except in a feel-good sort of way.

Similarly the European Court of Human Rights, which is nothing to do with the European Union, is in Strasbourg, while the European Court of Justice, which is everything to do with the European Union, is in Luxembourg.

None of the above should be confused with the International Court of Justice in The Hague, which has nothing to do with anything.

The European Parliament is in Strasbourg but has nothing to do with the Council of Europe, although the Parliament does spend one week a month in the Council of Europe building.

The European Parliament is also in Brussels, where it holds plenary sessions in a new Parliament building. But they are not really plenary sessions because those have to be in Strasbourg which is determined that it shall not suffer the same fate as Luxembourg, where there are two European Parliament buildings which nobody ever uses.

The still-to-be-completed Parliament chamber in Brussels is not to be confused with the still-to-be-completed Parliament chamber in Strasbourg which will replace the Council of Europe hemi-cycle which the Parliament currently uses when in the French city.

The European Commission very sensibly stays in one city, Brussels, but to make up for not moving around, it occupies 60 different buildings. The main one is called the Breydel, to which the Commissioners and staff were evacuated when the Berlaymont (the old Commission building) was found to be full of unhealthy asbestos.

This is not to be confused with the unhealthy asbestos which has been found in the main courtroom of the European Court of Justice in Luxembourg, which has been closed down. This is not the same courtroom as the one used by the Court of First Instance, which should indeed be confused with the European Court of Justice because it is part of it, although it is not infected with asbestos.

The Berlaymont will stop being infected soon because workmen are fixing it up and the Commissioners will return there in a few years. They will then be opposite the Charlemagne building, which has also been closed down for years but not because of asbestos problems. The Charlemagne building was home to the Council of Ministers, but is not to be confused with the Justus Lipsius building, which has taken over as home to the Council of Ministers.

The Charlemagne building is being redeveloped but no, the Council of Ministers will not be moving back there. Instead, the European Commission (not of human rights) is moving in there in an attempt to break the world record for the number of different buildings in one city that one organisation can occupy at one time.

The European Investment Bank, not to be confused with the European Central Bank which does not yet exist but which is better known, helps the European Union with loans for important projects.

It is based in Luxembourg, not far from the European Court of Justice, but is nothing to do with the European Monetary Institute, which is in Frankfurt.

The European Monetary Institute is the forerunnerof the European Central Bank which will oversee the operation of the European single currency which also does not yet exist but which is not to be confused with the European single market or the European Single Act, both of which do exist. Indeed, they are omnipresent but incomplete, an accusation often levelled at the Economic and Social Committee which has nothing to do with economic and monetary union except to offer advice on it, as it does on everything.

This simple guide to the European Union is just the start every keen pro-entry EU candidate needs before embarking on the great journey. Here’s hoping the accession negotiations go smoothly. Good luck to you all and … welcome to the club!