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The Tokyo Auto Show in Photos

The Tokyo Auto Show opened some time during the past couple days. (Given the whole International Date Line thing, it's impossible to nail down the timing with any accuracy.) And guess what? I wasn't there. Why? Well, after re-covering my sofa, buying some platinum rims and whale-penis-leather interior for my Suburban, and paying off some old meth debts, there just wasn't enough left over for a first-class ticket to Japan. Everyone takes their hits, right? Fortunately my good friends at Gawker Media's car site Jalopnik—particularly their fearless leader, fellow Car Jew and Heeb cover-boy Ray Wert—are more frugal and more ambitious than I. Capitalizing on the banning of bake sales in N.Y.C. schools, Wert made enough money peddling honey cake (his Bubby's special recipe) in front of PS 234 to send a whole team to Japan. What does this mean for you? Gorgeous free images of the fetish factory that is the Tokyo Show, courtesy of the Jalops, coupled with critical interpretation, from yours truly. In other words, a sleazy slide show, embedded here after the jump.

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< strong>Honda CR-Z: Honda makes a play for the burgeoning Twink market with this little number. Scrawny, smooth, flat-assed, and accessorized with white pancake makeup, blue eyeliner, and a tacky mesh shirt. Watch for it at a West Hollywood club in 2010.< li>[#image: /photos/56cda709a0125ee03f19cc24]|||2) NissanLandGlider.jpg|||< strong>Nissan Land Glider: Carlos Ghosn, C.E.O. of Nissan, either missed the mark in aiming for this smiling electric toilet and is pardoning himself, or he just shit it out right on the stage, and is about to produce another one, proving once again why he, alone among auto-industry executives, is a Knight Commander of the British Empire.< li>[#image: /photos/56cda709a0125ee03f19cc29]|||3) Supasse-V-Super-Car.jpg|||< strong>Supasse Supercar: More like Suppasse-atory, if you ask me, though I'd be sure to insert it tail end first; those fenders look bumpy. Is it just me, or does this car resemble a toxic Amazonian tree frog wearing a backwards baseball cap? < li>[#image: /photos/56cda709c3c1e512485b6cdb]|||4) LexusLFA.jpg|||< strong>Lexus LFA: A muscular, ballsy, and hugely powerful exotic vehicle from a brand known for silence, insulation, and refinement. It does wear these cool peek-a-boo, chain mail chaps in the rear. But at $400,000, as with many things, it begs the question: Wouldn't you rather have an Italian?< li>[#image: /photos/56cda709c3c1e512485b6ce1]|||5) DaihatsuBasket.jpg|||< strong>Daihatsu Basket: A car that's shaped like a horizontal, 1950s Frigidaire, with a titanium handle, and capstan shafts for wheels. And when you open it, out pop fake farm sluts. Naturally.< li>[#image: /photos/56cda709c3c1e512485b6cd9]|||6) HondaSMAD.jpg|||< strong>Honda Stride Management Assist Device: This is not a car, I don't think, but some sort of automated perambulatory aid for the old, tired, and lame (though it could have amusing high school track and field applications as well, particularly if you put a fat kid in it and set it to high.) I'm not exactly sure why, but I find it rather alluring from this view.