Don't know if you've heard, but someone's leaked a quarter of a bazillion US embassy cables to, well, us. It turns out the US state department is run by teenage girls via instant messaging. Think Mean Girls with diplomatic immunity.

In brief: the CIA has discovered that George Osborne is a git! Nicolas Sarkozy is a bundle of neuroses and also, possibly, short (awaiting satellite confirmation)! Oh, Prince Andrew's an idiot. Honestly, the stuff they try to keep from us. Then there's more trivial stuff, such as China hacking Google, the US and Chinese dissidents; Saudi Arabia wanting military rule; and Yemen covering up for US bombings.

Interpol has issued a warrant for the arrest of Assange, the Wikileaks founder, in connection with a sexual assault in Sweden. Soon this embarrassment will be over, the mole will have been executed for treason, as US presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee suggests, and we can enjoy the snow instead.

Not cricket

@theashes

Ashley Kerekes is a babysitter from Massachusetts. She is not a freaking cricket match, as she tweeted to the thousands of followers she gained this week because her Twitter name is @theashes.

She abandoned her account for a few days but on her return found 9,000 followers and lots of media attention. Qantas offered to fly her to Australia to see the real Ashes, and Vodafone said it would pay for the Test series tickets. Now Kerekes, 22, is selling T-shirts emblazoned with her original tweet. Welcome to the 72-hour life cycle of the perfect modern American.

Flash of anger

Brian Blessed

One of the few national icons not to have been dissed by his own or the US government in once-confidential documents this week, our Brian managed to get into the papers by allegedly storming out of a black-tie dinner at the Savoy after grabbing by the throat a man who had the temerity to call the 1980 film Flash Gordon, in which Brian turned in one of his customary performances – as Prince Vultan ("Squadron 40! Diiiiiiiive!") – "crap".

Blessed had been booked to appear as an after-dinner speaker. Guests said he shouted: "I'm not standing for this!" and left.

No word on who will pay for the guests' eardrums to be de-perforated.

What they said

"There is nothing more English than bad sex so, on behalf of the entire nation, I would like to thank you." Rowan Somerville, winner of the literary Bad Sex award for The Shape of Her.

"She is argumentative on occaisions and even boardering on disrespectful … attenance is low but ... that can be attributed to her course requiriements"

A teacher's report on a pupil, which contained 16 errors in 10 lines.

"I know the law and I have backed my claim legally."

Angeles Duran, who registered the sun as hers and plans to charge for its use

What we've learned

• One in five US divorces involves Facebook

• Half of Britons believe aliens exist

• There are about three septillion stars in the universe – triple previous estimates

• Household spending has fallen for the first time in a decade

• We are the biggest internet shoppers in Europe, spending £2,000 a year online

… and what we haven't

• Who killed off the Andrex puppy and replaced it with a CGI dog and his Dalmatian friend?