Tuesday, May 29, 2007

S.O.B.'s and other Surprise Party Tales

SURPRISE!!!

Not.

As many of you know, my daddy just celebrated his birthday about a week and a half ago (I posted a WW in honor of it). This weekend, we had a special surprise party for him at my home. And so I have some advice for all of you who might be entertaining such a notion yourselves for someone you love.

1. First, consider whether you live in a family full of big-mouthed people . By this, I mean people who would get kicked out of the priesthood or disbarred from the legal profession immediately due to the giant orifices with the flapping tongues in the fronts of their heads. Don't host a party with the word "surprise" in front of it if you have such a family. Just don't.

Not mentioning any names but here's Dad and the bean spiller (Aunt Deb) herself...

2. If the person for whom you are giving the party cannot stand not knowing what's going on and is like a bloodhound on the trail at the first hint of a secret, again, DON'T MAKE YOUR PARTY A SURPRISE ONE.

3. If the person for whom you are giving the party should happen to find out about said party (and he will) and you decide to keep his knowledge a secret so as not to ruin the experience for everyone else (especially those who have traveled hundreds of miles in one weekend just to be there), THINK AGAIN. The other parties will find out the truth at the last minute and BLAME IT ON YOU!!! even though you were not the one who squealed.

4. If those parties who found out at the last minute you kept the honoree's knowledge a secret should get mad at you and then abandon you in the kitchen to do all the work while they go off into the other room like the grand host and hostess and talk to the other guests (all the while talking about you behind your back) DO NOT CONTINUE TO SLAVE LIKE A MARTYR IN THE KITCHEN. Go right into the room with them, sit your ass in the chair, kick your feet up and say, "We'll eat when I get some help."

5. Do not allow your brother(who used to pick on you mercilessly just to get a rise out of you as you were growing up) to bait you with accusations until you scream, "You sons of bitches!" no matter how much the parties mentioned in Point 4 deserve the title. They will only laugh at you later and your temper tantrum will go down in family lore.Mz. Jackson, when she is not calling her brother and sister Sons of Bitches.

6. Do not blame your husband, your only remaining source of help, just because he's the one who blurted out that the honoree already knows about the party. He will get pissed, tell you off, retreat to the bedroom and watch baseball in an absolute state of rebellion.

7. Do not expect your honoree to be on time just because he knows about the party. Something will happen to delay him, and everyone will grow hungry and tired of rushing to the window each time the dogs bark at a passing car. Then the crowd will begin to plot mischief against the honoree, like disappearing before he gets there or flipping him off in unison when he emerges through the front door.

8. Always cook a lot of extra food, even more than you would normally imagine to need for a surprise party. When the honoree is late, the guests will grow so famished that when it finally is time to eat, they will load up their plates so fast the food will disappear and there won't be enough to go around.

9. And finally, always remember that it is not the surprise part that is important. What is important is that you honored a person you loved and are so glad to have in your life~even if they can be a royal snoopy shitass who enjoyed sniffing out the secret more than the surprise itself and then sat back and grinned like a Cheshire cat at the mayhem he caused. ~Mz. Jackson lets out a grand, sentimental sniff and wipes her eyes with her embroidered hanky~ I love you, Daddy!

Party on, people!

Note: A special thanks goes out to my little sister-in-law, Fancy Pants, who at least helped me make devilled eggs, even though she'd just driven hundreds of miles. She was NOT included in the SOB remark...

23 comments:

This is all 100% true. I was there and witnessed it with my own eyes...except I missed the "Sons of Bitches" part, dang it!!! But, all in all Mz. Jackson's family rocks...the Sons of Bitches." *kidding*

LOL, Bro, you got me! I'll use my heavenly influence to get your ass in past St. Peter.

For the record everyone, my family and I all still love each other. We are just highly charged people who blow up quickly and then kiss and make up. And our stories get a good stretching every time we tell them.

Thanks to everyone who read and commented! I'm feeling much more relaxed about the whole thing, having talked to my bro and sis and made up and everything!Squirrel, my sister, Mz. Opera was really the mastermind behind the party; I have to give her credit. She planned it all and I just carried it out at my house because I'm in a more central location. My dad really did love it and I'm so glad we made a fuss over him. It was worth it.

Now, that story was a fun read and nice to hear that other families tell stories on each other pretty much the same way my three kids would do about me or their siblings. Just adds a lot more fun to many events.

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Mz. Jackson, local journalist, wannabe New York Times Best Selling novelist, who works hard to further truth, justice and the American way. Of course the fact that she loves to write fiction, which is basically lying and getting paid to do so, doesn't seem to live up to her creed, but she has no time for such details...Mr. Jackson: Mz. Jackson's mostly sweet spouse who has a bit of a devilish streak that keeps one wondering: "What's that man up to now?"Her Royal Highness: Mz. and Mr. Jackson's beautiful eldest daughter, whose Aries nature endows her with a sense of natural royalty and prompts her to lord it over her siblings and anyone else who will let her.Jock Genius: The only son in the Jackson family whose high intelligence and athletic prowess make for an interesting combination.Sweet Baby: The Jackson's lovely youngest child, whose continuous struggle to dethrone Her Royal Highness makes for darn good entertainment.Also starring:Sunnybrook Rebecca: Mz. Jackson's esteemed friend and co-author of lies (writing partner).Mz. Opera, Mz. Blue Eyes, and Mr. Prodigy: Mz. Jackson's younger siblings, who have enough dirt on Mz. Jackson to bury her three times over...

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I live in the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma and the Cherokee (Tsa-la-gi) branch of my family traces its Oklahoma roots back to the Trail of Tears.
Oklahoma is a Choctaw word which means "Red Man," literally translated Okla (Man) Homa (Red).
The name of my "town," Nuda, means "Crazy" in Cherokee.

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Writer, wife, mother, coffee lover. Currently I write non-fiction for a local publication. I have co-authored a novel with my best friend and writing partner, Rebecca DeMauro (SEE The Rants from Sunnybrook Farm on links on links), which we hope to see in print very soon.