Grumpy Grandma: THE MAGIC OF MEMAW’S SALIVARY GLANDS

OK… y’all all know dat my high intellect and profound knowledge is well known in these parts. And it’s true; I been around da pond a time or two—and I ain’t talking about da time dat no good Boscoe Bertinot took me to the levee and tried to get fresh with me either… huh, I’m glad his eye stayed black ‘n blue for a month. Anyway, back to the point. Peoples know dat Ole Nettie Mae is the place to go to get real answers for the real problems dat they face in life, which brings me to my first letter.

THE MAGIC OF MEMAW’S SALIVARY GLANDS.

Dear Grumpy Grandma,

Dare I was, droppin’ off my grandson, Little Norbert, to his school, when I notice he had a big ‘ol dot of chocolate or dirt or somethin’ on his cheek. Mais I didn’t wont dat boy to get laughed at, so I grab my hanky, put some spit on one end and started to clean dat boy's' face… Next thing I know, dat boy start hollering, “MEMAW!!! WHAT YOU DOIN YOU!!! ?” PAS BON MEMAW… PAS BON!!! DAT’S GROSS!!!

Well, needless to say, me and Little Norbert ain’t been the same ever since… What I gotta do?

Signed, Salivating Sally

Mais la, Sally…

Pauve ti bête, dat boy must-a forgot where his bread’s buttered? Gross!!! GROSS?!?—Mon dieu! How can the dazzling, purifyin’, cleaning power of Love Spit be GROSS?!?

Well Sally, sounds like Lil Norbert done started to notice le femme. OMG (dats “Oh My God” for you people in Cotton Port). The same thing happened to me with my little nephew. One day you kissing him goodbye and the next, they don’t want nothing to do with you (unless they need money). We got a little cutie patootie living down the street dat can turn the world on with her smile if you know what I mean… Girl, just get ready, cuz dat boy ain’t never gonna be the same. My advice—let him figure it out on his own. If he can’t brush his teeth and stay clean by now, he ain’t gonna get it until he’s had a little public humiliation. Send him back to his mama’s and let him grow up a little.

Now for you peoples who ain’t got no life and you feel like you gotta write me every month, I’m gonna make it short and sweet…

- Beulah, EMPLOYMENT AIN’T A SNACK FOOD!!! You go through jobs and boyfriends like people eat M&M’s. STOP IT!!! If you can keep a job for a full 90 days you can write me again, utter wise, we’re done!

- Mary, Dat ain’t the kind of hives that make honey, girl! GET SOME CREAM ON DAT QUICK… AND DON’T SEND ME NO MORE PICTURES! Mon dieu women, I ain’t no doctor, I give advice! I couldn’t keep food down for three days after seeing what you got.

And Lila, It’s ‘I’ BEFORE ‘U”, especially when it comes to spelling tests and gettin’ in line at the buffet!!