‘Bones’ Recap: Episode 7.9 – “The Don't in the Do”

Let’s start this thing off right by stating how off I felt about this episode from the beginning. Before I even watched this episode, I was turned off by the description and title. I felt this urge to just shake my head and say, “Another episode of ridiculous acting and scenarios.”

One of the seagulls dead and covered with the mysterious blue substance.

The episode begins with a group of church members gathering together to unveil where they plan to build their new church: a dump. As they begin acting like the stereotypical “Christians” that Hollywood likes to portray, birds begin dropping out of the sky, with their beaks colored blue. The ‘Christians” begin to freak out calling the devil and running away for fear of a plague or the end times. I know… ridiculous. One bird falls down in front of them and a human eye falls out of his beak. An unrealistic eye in my opinion. At least TRY to make it look real.

Cut scene to Booth and Bones in their amazing “renovated” house (still can’t get over the fact they completely skipped any episode of them putting it together). Bones is freaking out about what to wear, because she feels as if she is in “someone else’s body.” Booth stumbles with the right thing to say and obviously, fails. She storms off upset, very emotional about her body not being how it was before the baby.

Booth and Bones going to the scene. She is wearing a jumpsuit over her “ugly top.”

Let me just stop right here and state something. As a recent new mother, I understand how a woman feels after having a baby: hormones are out of whack, sleepless nights. I get it. What I don’t get is how someone like BONES would care so much about how she looked. So far this SERIES I’ve felt as if Bones was a very strong, independent woman. A woman that doesn’t care what society deems as beautiful. She spends so much time throughout the episode complaining about what top to wear or how she wishes she looked different and I was just shocked at how weird it sounded coming from her. Awkward in my opinion and out of place.

Moving on to our dead body, which was, obviously, found in this dump soon to be church. The body was covered in (SPOILER ALERT) – the mysterious blue substance! The Scooby gang takes the Blue Man (many Blue Man group jokes were made, none of them funny) back to the lab and begina doing what they do best. The intern for this episode is Vaziri, who has always been one of my favorites, and he begins the episode with some major awkward butt kissing to Bones (and she likes it? another weird Bones character anomaly in this episode). It seems really off until it is revealed that he was recently published and is just so excited and cannot contain it. I forgive you Vaziri, just don’t let your amazing character development so far be destroyed by terrible acting again. Only good part of this scene was the tongue cutting. Terribly gross and satisfying. Okay…moving on.

Angela and her “amazing” facial reconstruction powers finds out that the victim is named Santiago who is a hairstylist reported missing by three different women. Bones and Sweets go to question these women and find out that they all were sleeping with him but only for pleasure and according to their hair appointment schedules. Now, this part of the episode felt like a re-run to me. Anyone remember episode 6×12 “The Sin in the Sisterhood” where the victim had three wives who were stuck on sex schedules? Yeah – this scene reminded me of that episode. Three women sitting behind a table talking about how they shared their man and “weren’t” jealous. Yeah, I’m guessing the writers decided that recycling some plot elements would be easier than creating something new and different.

Cut to Bones and Booth heading to the hair salon to question co-workers and poke around. When they get there, I feel everything is rushed. From the shampoo boy immediately pointing fingers at “Kevin” who then points the finger back to Santiago’s many lovers (all within 30 seconds), the acting was just so… bad. “Ruby” (a lover of Santiag) also confesses her love for him AND exploites his drug problem so quickly. I’m guessing this episode REALLY wanted the audience to keep guessing “Who done it?” by giving each character fifteen seconds.

So now Sweets and Bones are heading to Little India to check out Santiago’s drug dealer in Sweet’s “Camry” (insert stupid and annoying product placement here) and he tries to give Booth some relationship advice. This scene could have been cut but I understand the show needs all the money it can get. Bones then goes and talks to Angela about her body, how her clothes don’t fit. Annoying. But then she does put Vaziri in his place, which redeems her a LITTLE bit in my mind. Only a little bit. They discover that Santiago was scalped and the episode finally begins to get interesting.

Product placement in Sweet’s car.

So, Booth and Sweets finally reach Little India. They discover a possible source of the blue substance and have a small foot chase with an ex-drug dealer who, once caught, unveils a bag of hair. Dum Dum Dum! Have we found the scalper? Maybe. But before we can find out, Sweets tells Booth to go buy lingerie for Bones. Wait – what? Yes, they go into a lingerie shop and discuss Bones’ breasts. “Are you looking at her fruit?” Booth says to Sweets after he compares them to mangoes. Yeah, super awkward and weird.

Cut back to the lab, the squints are sorting through the hair when they discover something VERY interesting (like I said, episode finally begins picking up). They find hair from 25 different, dead, victims in the bag. Ritualistic scalping and dumping? Could this lead to an even bigger investigation?!?! I sure hope so.

No. It doesn’t. The ex-drug dealer scalps dead corpses in the mortuary to sell it to…get this…hair salons for extensions. So nothing devious or scary, just something creepy and downright boring. Disappointment to the max, Fox. I was crossing my fingers for another Gormagon or Gravedigger. Sigh.

Anyways, Hodgins is still trying to figure out what the mysterious blue substance could be and he’s spent thirty minutes of the episode so far trying to figure it out. I’m sorry, but this guy is one of the smartest people in his field and Angela OF ALL PEOPLE helps him figure it out. After suggesting having sex in their car, Hodgins deduces that it is antifreeze…ANTIFREEZE. I’m sorry, but the first thing I would have suggested, after seeing a blue liquid substance on something, would be Antifreeze and it takes him thirty minutes of the show to figure it out?!

So Boones and Booth, obviously, head back to the hair salon to discover that Kevin has split. Oh no. You know what Booth, I doubt that would have happened if you would have taken him in for questioning like you do with anyone else you suspect could have killed your victim. But I guess the writers are now all about suspense and surprise for the audience. I’m officially annoyed, how about you?

Vaziri and Bones are then seen working on the bones in the lab and we find out that Vaziri’s awesome paper isn’t going to be published after all. Awww so sad. He lost out to some “fluff” piece about Selena Gomez. Bones doesn’t know that Selena Gomez ISN’T a doctor, “I look forward to reading Dr. Gomez’s work.” Absolutely hilarious and absolutely Bones in every way. She also gives him praise and gives a little advice about talking to bones. Two thumbs up for this scene.

Angela and Bones get a massage.

Booth and Sweets then interrogate Kevin who looks pretty darn guilty with all of the evidence but doesn’t appear to be the killer but – let’s cut to Angela and Bones getting a massage. Yeah, let’s just halt the investigation and go to a few scenes of them making groining sounds back and forth. CAN YOU SAY WAY AWKWARD? But then Booth gets a phone call from Vaziri who, after giving up on the computer and actually doing his job, found that the victim’s throat had been cut. Bones figures out how and rushes back to the hair salon with Booth.

They discover that it was THE SHAMPOO BOY who cut Santiago’s throat while he was giving him a shampoo before a haircut. How anti-climactic can you get? And the reason for his murder? He wanted his own chair. AND He scalped him because…well…”his hair was just so beautiful.” Oh and he kept the hair too which was strategically placed on a hair mannequin in the salon. Now I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure the flesh would have started smelling up the place, but, hey it’s not my show. *shrugs*

Booth and Bones have a nice ending scene for this episode. He gives her the lingerie, she misinterprets his motives. She redeems herself, in my eyes, at this moment by saying she’s not unhappy with how she looks but how she feels is merely just an inconvenience to her. Bravo, Bones, bravo. He does his best to make it up to her and she gives in to his charm. They share a romantic moment as they plan to go break in the lingerie when uh-oh Christine wakes up. They rush up the stairs together and all is well in Bonesverse. I won’t lie it was quite adorable seeing them together as a family, so I give this scene two thumbs up as well.

Booth and Bones share a kiss.

Overall though, I was severally disappointed in this episode due to the poor acting and bad writing.

I love this show dearly, but it needs to get back to where it was earlier in the season. It feels as if every episode after the hiatus has just been a filler episode to something, I hope, is amazing. If not, I will be severely disappointed.

Catch an all new episode of ‘Bones’ Monday, April 23rd on FOX at 8/7c

Author:

Kristen Love Eckstadt is a St. Louis native currently living and working in Chicago. She works full time as an editor, but her love for music and television brought her to Honest Reviews Corner. She hopes to share her love, and opinions, on all things entertainment.