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Veterans

03/20/2010

Today I was working on some paper work the VA needed for more information. Part of that information was about my PTS and the crash and burn of an aircraft that I and a few other Marines witnessed. It was only 30 to 40 yards away from where I was. I had quit smoking a year before and needless to say, I started smoking again that day.

I had to hold it together I remember, as a Marine is taught, as well as for the others that witnessed the event. I put it in a box and shoved it far back into my head, until years later it started working it’s way out. Slowly bit by bit, though usually only in my dreams.

Many nights I awoke in a sweat and usually got 3 to 4 hours a sleep a night if that. Three marriages later and a few jobs later, the price has been paid, in spades. Anyways while I was writing down what I did remember when I am not dreaming, my hands started shaking and I was sweating.

To many memories, to many thoughts of such and other things. I don’t know, can’t think straight at the moment. Think I need to sleep, to escape hopefully.

12/30/2009

Yesterday was a rough one all the way around. Found out one of the vets in the group therapy I attend, passed away over the weekend. It hit every one like a ton of bricks and all we could do was sit there in a stunned silence. He will be and is missed in group, and out side of group. My prayers go out to his family in this.

11/11/2009

Today we remember those brave souls who gave their lives in service of their country. Unselfishly and bravely so that their comrades would have a fighting chance to live another day.

Those that survive, feel a greater loss then the rest. As they remember those in their unit that died in service, and they were left behind. We must not forget those that have died in service of their country, and just as important we must not forget those that have made it home.

08/26/2009

I wake up every morning with a medication hangover, least that is the best way to describe it, because that is what it feels like. Until I can take my medications in the morning and then 2 cups of coffee I am not worth a toot. However it does not feel as bad as a hangover from drinking.

But that is okay, I would rather have the hangover and pop the medications needed every morning, then to continue down the road I was traveling for years. It is a scary and sobering thing to realize that if you don’t or can’t change, that some time in the future you are just going to cease to exist.

It is even harder to admit that you are broken or how ever you wish to express it. Harder still is to seek help from those that can best provide it. Then there is the stigma of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder. The last the doc brought up that I maybe suffering from. It does not matter if it is imagined or real, people judging you by what is wrong with you, it's hard to get your mind around it all some times. There have been a few times when I have talked about things with people about it, that they respond with something like ‘I’d kill myself if I had to go through that’ and others respond with ‘it is life get over it’. To the last group I say, walk a few days in my shoes, otherwise you have no right.

I for one, and other vets that I know, work hard to come to grips with it all. After all, that is how we were trained, to survive and over come the obstacle or enemy. We get up every day, knowing we will have the same problems, same thoughts and issues as yesterday, but hope it is not so bad today. And when it is almost to much to bear, and it happens, we know there is someone to talk us down or just talk that is not judgmental.

To those other vets, I salute you. I know I may not have the same issues or be as bad. But like me, we refuse to give up and lay down and die, even though in side there is a voice that suggests that is the best course of action.