I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. Its just not fair. My surgery was planned but I went through alot of the stuff you described although i dont remember most of what happened in the first four weeks. I think it's partly because of the drugs and partly because I have blocked it out mentally because it was all just to traumatic. I did get really depressed though and they put me on antidepressants. After I got out of hospital I stopped taking them but they just helped to get me over that bump.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have flashbacks of all the things that happened. I can understand why you feel so uneasy and anxious about everything when this happened so unexpectantly.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe speak to your Dr. and see what he suggests, maybe counselling might help. Or some type of medication. Sorry I wasnt much help.

Ash {{{HUG}}} I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds like you're experiencing grief, too, so what you're feeling is normal. I would think that talking to a therapist would help. Plus, they'll be able to prescribe some medicine that will help you feel calmer, so you can get some sleep. I used to be afraid of dying, too. What helped me was learning about God and heaven. Now, I'm not afraid anymore. Please keep us updated on how you're doing. I'll be thinking of you. Cecilia

Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.Pain free, med free, and very thankful to be healthy again :)

After my surgery, my Dr. told me to go back on the Zoloft that I have taken in the past for seasonal depression. She said that she often prescribes antidepressants after an ostomy surgery because it can be so traumatic physically and emotionally. After two extra weeks in the hospital, I could barely speak to my friends on the phone without being choked up. going back on the meds has helped me A LOT. As time passes and you feel better, the memories of the hopital stay will fade somewhat. Don't be afraid to tell your Dr. that you are feeling panicky or depressed. Although a lot of people don't like the idea of more meds, they CAN really make a difference.

Ash,I wish that you weren't feeling this way, but after everything that you had to go through, it's not surprising. It's hard to put those thoughts behind you and not have fears of "what if". I think it would be a good idea to get some help whether talking to your surgeon or a therapist. If they do prescribe medication for you, it doesn't mean that it has to be permanent, just until you get past this difficult time. Talking with a professional surely wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't surprise me if it's Post Traumatic Stress. You are not alone, I look at other people (family,friends,& strangers) now and think how lucky they that they haven't had to go through what I've been through. How they can go to the bathroom and not have another thought about it. How they take their health for granted and their biggest worry might be that they are getting a cold.

You are much stronger than you know, you have already turned your horrible situation around to help others here. The advice and concern you've shown helps more than just those who posted a question that you've answered. Allow yourself to lean on someone else now, you've fought hard to get your physical health back, now work on your fears.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can get some relief soon!Theresa

Originally diagnosed with CD in 1991Only one serious flare up in 1998 and again in July 2007Total colectomy August 2007 now saying "Undetermined Colitis"2nd step J-pouch formation -January 2008Takedown hopefully by April 2008

I'm sorry to hear how ur feeling. I can relate, but on a smaller scale. I sometimes get the flashbacks. I hear those noises and remember the pain. Maybe with everything that went on you didnt really have time to grieve and process everything that happened to you. Mayb ur body went backwards, u may have accepted what happened to you first, and never went through the greiving process. Your surgery was an emergency so u didnt get to plan and fight and argue and cry like i did. When you awoke you had an ostomy, and instead of completely being able to focus on that...ur main focus was to get well and get out of that hospital. Not to mention you were grieving ur lovely babies.

I don't necessarily think that jumping on the medication bandwagon should be the first choice. Have u tried talking to a therapist. Mayb they have natural ways of helping you work through it. Mayb its something that just takes time. *Note* I am saying mayb, because there is a possibility that you will need medication,but thats something that can be addressed afterward. I dont know how sick you were b4 ur emergency surgery, but i know that I just didnt want to be on n e more pills. When they had me talk to the psychiatrist at the hospital, he said that what i was going thru was to be expected with all that had gone on in my life and that he could medicate me if i wanted. I opted to try and wait it out, and things over time are getting better, its still a journey. Whatever you decide, i hope it makes you feel better and brings you relief. No one should have to relive those moments.

Just remember, ur strong...u've made it this far and u'll keep going. U encouraged me so much. Mayb u just need a break from being every ones perfect person for a while....take it easy. We're here if u need us.25 y/o female- crohns disease since 14Ileostomy pending-very worriedTried asacol,pentasa,prednisone,remicade,6mp,azasan, no availSeatons placedWorst year ever!

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear....." Where does mine come from?!

Your symptoms are classic PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and I encourage you to seek professional help. Many of us, myself included, had either PTSD or depression following surgery. This is NORMAL but needs attention. Do yourself a favor and find a psychologist to help you navigate through this. If you have to take medication it won't be forever but it will change your life for the better.

yeah ash, i felt the same way, my moms out of work helping me right now. and she works for the gov't so she doesnt get paid for this time off. This has been my life since fourteen! my mom having to sacrifice to take care of me, and make choices that the rest of my family doesnt understand, so they judge her, and it makes me so angry! that its my fault that people treat her like they do, or that she's not doing as well as she could be. So talk about guilt and I can totally relate.

IF you decide to talk to someone else, a therapist, just remember that u dont have to feel guilty bc number 1 they get paid to listen lol its their job. Secondly, they can give you an objective opinion. they'r neutral, no real gain from sympathizing with you or not. Bc i understand hating for people to feel bad for you. like ur incompetant, u get tired of people looking at you like "poor ash" , "she's been through so much", "bless her heart", even if it all is true. U dont want to feel like a liability or a kook.

Just think about it, like you said, its physically hard to get all the feelings out verbally, that mayb what you need.

P.S.

about the ambien, when i couldnt sleep from getting out of the hospital, i got ativan. But like i said, i try to avoid mood altering drugs, so i was fighting taking it. But i eventually had to admit that my own methods werent working, and feeling horrible emotionally is ten times worse when u feel horrible physically from sleep deprivation. You can't think straight, you get distracted easily, make stupid mistakes, and get really irritable. So what i did was cut the pill in half that they gave me, it helped for a little while, and then i just stopped taking it, i havent needed it since and that was months ago.

Don't be embarrassed. You are ENTITLED to feel ok, and to be happy (or as close to it as possible in this life). Stop punishing yourself, I know thats what I did. But nobody who loves you thinks n e of this is your fault. You don't deserve to feel like that.25 y/o female- crohns disease since 14Ileostomy pending-very worriedTried asacol,pentasa,prednisone,remicade,6mp,azasan, no availSeatons placedWorst year ever!

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear....." Where does mine come from?!

I also agree that seeing a professional is worth a try -- I did for the first time after both of my parents passed away. I was having horrible panic attacks. Thought it was a heart issue and it was panic attacks! I felt exhausted, anxious, and 100% horrible with each passing day. I was on ativan for the panic attacks, 3x a day plus sleeping meds. Now, no ativan, no sleeping meds. Only a few visits was all that I needed to learn how to cope and deal with my issues.

I wish I would have after I had my surgeries when I was younger. I'm sure I would have recovered much quicker, mentally at least. I certainly had a lot of support, but like you, I didn't feel comfortable talking with most of those who cared so much.

This forum and the folks here are the best. We all have had our ups and downs. But here we can vent and get feedback from those who have experienced the feelings and problems that we have.

Best of luck on whatever you decide to do. Please know that we do care.Peggy

Although I have not been through the surgery that most of you have had, I completely agree that you might want to seek out a professional after such an ordeal. It does NOT make you a weaker person. You are a strong woman...you have made many lives easier (including mine) with your posts on this site. You should not feel guilty for any of this...it is not your fault. Maybe talking to a professional will help you get it all out on the table and start healing emotionally one step at a time. I see my brother hesitating to take any kind of medication because he's worried about the side effects, addictiveness, etc. Maybe a professional can help you choose something that would make you comfortable for a little while until you feel better. Try to remember that you have made it through the worst part...it can only get better from here. We are here for you always!

Hi Ash - I'm so glad you are having a better night. Going back to work might help too...it will get your mind focused on something else for a while and get you back into a routine. That's great that your fiance takes great care of you! Does he have a brother? ha ha

I suffered mentally at great lengths after my surgery. Like you, I have not been able to sleep on my own for over 7 months. I constantly think about my stoma and it consumes my thoughts. I finally went to my Dr last month. I felt ashamed to even talk about my feelings. I began to cry while admitting to her and to myself that I needed help. She put me on a medication called Lexapro. It has been a HUGE help to me. I feel completely like my normal self but I don't focus and dwell on these thoughts anymore. I cannot explain how much this medicaiton has been a benefit to me. Please go talk to your Dr. I am sure you will not regret it.Amey

I am so glad that you gave in to the Lexapro and that you are seeing good results! I bet it feels good to "think" normally and not even realize you are doing/feeling any different now. I am so glad to hear that update on you.

The only side effect for me was that I was tired for the first few days while my body was adjusting. This medication is known for having the least amount of side effects. I have not had any side effects at all since the first week.Amey

Although I am totally boycotting this man-made holiday, so much so that i went to the mall and left b/c all the people carrying balloons and teddy bears were making me sick lol, I am so glad you enjoyed yours! Also, the gift sounds beautiful. Glad you have a love that can pull u back up when u feel low. Enjoy ur vday!25 y/o female- crohns disease since 14Ileostomy pending-very worriedTried asacol,pentasa,prednisone,remicade,6mp,azasan, no availSeatons placedWorst year ever!

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear....." Where does mine come from?!

Ash,I'm so glad you have a man in your life who's compassionate, loving, and kind. My husband is a wonderful man, too. We were only married a year when I was diagnosed with Crohn's, and I suffered with it for 7 years. He took care of me when I was bed-ridden and was compassionate and patient with me when I was cranky. Even though it was a rough time, going through that together brought us closer than I could ever imagine.

I'm glad you're open to the idea of taking Lexapro. I went through a rough grief period after losing my father unexpectedly and was crying a lot and felt depressed. It took me almost a year to finally tell my gynecologist about it, and she prescribed a low dose medicine to help me get through it. The only way I can describe how it worked was that it helped me feel like myself again. The emotions were there, but they weren't out of control anymore. It was just what I needed to get through that time of grieving. I hope you don't wait as long as I did to talk to a doctor about it.

Take care,Cecilia

Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.Pain free, med free, and very thankful to be healthy again :)

let out the scream...i do it all the time and it does bring relief. Just do it n the house when no ones home. or better yet in the car. it helps...at least for a second. Is the wedding planning helping take ur mind off of things?25 y/o female- crohns disease since 14Ileostomy pending-very worriedTried asacol,pentasa,prednisone,remicade,6mp,azasan, no availSeatons placedWorst year ever!

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear....." Where does mine come from?!

I agree, screaming works wonders! Recently I was walking my dog at the beach and just let out a scream cause I was frustrated by a leak the previous night, and he looked so frightened!!

I'm sad that you're having a rough time, and I hope that the medication helps you feel better. I'm on antidepressants as well for "long term post-operative depression", and it's helping me a lot. Chin up baby! :)

What does your finance' say about your feelings? Is he supportive? Have you thought about seeking counseling from a professional? It sounds like you need someone to talk to who you can truly share all of your intimate feelings with, even the unhealthy or scary feelings. After my surgery, my Dr asked me if I wanted to talk to a professional. I asked him why he was recommending this and he said it was standard procedure to ask this question to all persons who had had this type of surgery. Many patients need this outlet in order to deal with the changes both mentally and physically. Do you have health insurance to help cover the cost of counseling or can you seek help through your church? Many churches have professional counselors in their congregation that help to serve the members to of their church. Normally the rates are very reasonable compared to someone in private practice.

I hope you feel better soon. Please feel free to lay all of your feelings at the feet of this forum.

Ash, if I'm remembering correctly, don't you and your fiance live quite a distance from eachother? If so, that's got to be tough. Is there any way one of you could move closer, so you could see eachother more? Just a thought...