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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Bits and Pieces

Lots of little things rolling around in my head today. Big and little things that are cluttering my mind and making it hard to me to focus (or maybe it's just old age...who knows). Either way - that's why I blog! See...I'm a purger, the queen of delete, and this is my way of purging, rearranging and organizing my thoughts.

Any minute I will get word that I'm a grandma again. My nephew's baby mama is giving birth as I type this to their daughter. They are very young (22) and will face the challenges of all new parents but I can't help but think that this baby is a blessing to the nephew.

While he was here I noticed one thing more clearly than anything else. Not only did he not feel worthy of the love we have for him, but he has no idea how to love unconditionally. No matter how hard the hubs and I have tried to instill our love in his heart all these years, my sister used her poison to kill it. I believe this baby will put God's light and love and thereby our light and love back into his heart. When he called to tell me they were pregnant (I was the first one he called BTW - yay!), the first thing I said to him was, "You are about to understand just how much we love you."

He doesn't get it.

He will very soon.

He's also been a hot mess since he got back to his "hometown". He's gotten a DWI and been hospitalized with alcohol poisoning. I'm going to see them in a few weeks to visit the new baby and I'm carrying a can of whup-ass to open up on him while I'm there. I'm hopeful that as he falls in love with his daughter, he'll see how important it is that he doesn't repeat the pain of his youth. But if he's having trouble with this concept..I'll be happy to speed the process along. That's my job.

On a different note, the hubs and I are having some touchy conversations of late about money. When I was out of work and my severance ran out, we lived on my 401K and credit cards. Not optimal but, it is what it is. Debt has a way of sucking the life force from me and causing stress that robs me of any serenity I might manage to claim. I refuse to go into the next phase of my life with a mountain of debt following me like a 4,000 lb stone around my neck. Time to do something about it.

That's where the difficult decisions come in - do we just do debt consolidation? Debt management (which requires a settlement with the credit card companies and impacts your credit score)? Or bankruptcy? Which is the best move for us?

Well bankruptcy is not an option. I'm a banker...they frown on that kind of thing. Debt management may work because I can add an explanation to my credit report which will help if we ever need a car loan or a mortgage. I don't give a rat's ass if I ever see another credit card as long as I live. Of course I'm grateful we had them when we needed them but now that the kids are growing up and moving on...I want them GONE.

I'm leaning toward the debt consolidation thing which will not really lower our monthly outlay much (which is okay really) but it will get rid of the debt in five years vs. 25 and may finally get the credit card companies to lower 25% interest rates down to more manageable level.

Taking control of this is helping to ease the stress so much. Just like pushing down and ignoring emotions, ignoring the fact that this debt exists and we're not making a dent in it by making minimum payments is chipping away at my sanity and making me emotionally weak. My recovery has taught me that this just ain't gonna fly. Time to push back the drapes and shine some light on this motherfucker so it can begin to shrivel up and go away. I'm praying that God stands with me and helps me make the right decisions on this as well.

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone. Stay warm (or cool if you're down under) and enjoy your day (even if you have to work like my friend Dawn). And happy birthday to my new granddaughter, may your daddy love you as much as I love him.

What you said about having a hard time accepting love struck home for me. I was the same. I simply did not believe that others could love me...I didn't love myself, hell, I didn't even *like* myself, so why would anyone be stupid enough to love me? That was the kind of thinking I had then. And in that, I used to keep people at bay, at arm's length, lest they get close to me. And in doing so, I fulfilled the prophesy of being unlovable. I deflected any positive energy my way, and put those people down. Looking back at that now, it's hard to fathom that I was like that, but being an alcoholic, that is where my illness left me. I was unable to accept what I so freely accept and give now.

When I had my son, in the throes of my alcoholism, I too felt that I could now start to love unconditionally. And I did, but I still loved the booze more. But now that I am sober, I can fully see and feel the love that a parent has for a child. I finally GET IT. I can see how and why my folks did and said some of the things they did. I am doing the same.

I truly hope that your nephew can see the gift of pure love that he will be holding soon. It took me time to see it through the haze of alcohol, but I saw it. And I still cherish it today.

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