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June 19, 2012

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Rick Perry: Mitt Romney needs someone to look down on. He's based his whole campaign on not being empathetic and insulting those beneath him. Look, every campaign needs a dullard (see: Biden, Joseph) and Rick will fill that role and Romney can spend his time apologizing on his behalf, all while showing little understanding of why people were upset.

Jon Huntsman: Remember him? He dropped out of the race when he realized the role of "least objectionable" was already filled. He can literally be Mitt Romney Lite.

Chris Christie: Unlikely that this will happen. Christie's got a good thing going in New Jersey where he is the living embodiment of everything everyone thinks about New Jersey.

The Mitt Romney Robot: While you may not have noticed, the "Rombot," as Mitt's think tank dubbed it, stood in for the candidate during the month of May while he took a leave to filled his pool with gold coins. The cyborg, built by the scientists Romney keeps trapped in the basement, learned to mimic the man in which he was modeled after, and wouldn't miss a beat if the real deal went down.

Hilary Clinton: Hilary's got nothing to lose as she's simply biding her time until 2016, so there's a good chance she could put on her shades and go along with this.

Bill Clinton: If there's anyone who'd take the gig as a goof, it's this fucking guy.

Joe Biden: There's a really good chance that Biden will just accidentally start showing up to the wrong guy's meetings. And if that doesn't happen, Mitt could just outfit his Secret Service agents with Super Soakers and just play the waiting game for Joe.

Meryl Streep: Streep for veep, right????? C'mon, she's made for bumper stickers. She'll class up that town. No doubt about it. Hell, can she just be our president? Let's make that happen.

Rush Limbaugh: No real rationale behind it, but if it happened, I don't think anyone would be shocked. He could conduct his radio show on top of Mitt's ivory tower, which is scheduled to be built as an extension to the White House in 2014, should Romney win.

A piece of cardboard I found outside my office: Romney's personality needs to shine if he's going to run our country and in comparison to this piece of cardboard I found on the street, he will. To be fair, after spending some time with said piece of cardboard, I have in fact grown fond of it and its ability not to insult the poor.