In Sickness and in Health?

“It’s the biggest con in British political history – none of these diseases actually exist! The whole National Health Service was built on a lie!” says Henry Linoleum-Rugg, prospective Conservative parliamentary candidate for West Eastleigh who has exclusively told The Sleaze that he doesn’t believe that most of the major diseases and illnesses being treated by the NHS don’t actually exist. “It’s all a scam on the part of the medical profession and pharmaceutical industry – they tell people that they are ill in order to justify lots of expensive treatment from which they reap huge profits.” According to Linoleum-Rugg’s controversial theory, the overwhelming majority of patients being treated in Britain’s hospitals for serious illnesses are, in fact, perfectly healthy, their symptoms largely induced by the doctors who are supposedly treating them. “Look, it’s quite clear to me that it is all expensive drugs they pump into these so called patients, not to mention the other costly procedures like scans and radiotherapy, which are actually making them ill,” he argues. “They aren’t the cure, instead they are actually creating the sickness!” He points out the toxicity of many of the drugs and the dangerous nature of common treatments and procedures. “Just look at the side effects these drugs cause: vomiting, hair loss, diziness, disruption of vision – why on earth would you give that to someone who was already ill?” he asks. “Even the stuff they say is routine is potentially deadly: X-Rays are a form of dangerous radiation, for God’s sake! Yet as a matter of routine they subject patients to them! No wonder they appear seriously ill!”

In particular, the would be MP has focused on cancer treatments, claiming that cancer, in all its forms, is a completely made up disease, invented by the NHS. “Doesn’t anybody else think it just too convenient for the medical profession that so called ‘cancer’ comes in so many varieties – all of them incurable?” He ponders. “It’s like a job creation scheme for ‘specialists’ and provides a never ending research gravy train for researchers supposedly seeking new treatments.” The explosion in cancer diagnoses and treatment since the late 1940s, he contends, is the result of the few genuine diseases being cured and eliminated. “They got rid of the really nasty stuff like small pox and TB (although I’m still suspicious that the latter wasn’t really anything more than a nasty cough), which left most of the medical profession facing redundancy,” he says. “So they had to come up with this new ‘wonder disease’ which could strike anyone and take a multitude of forms. The fact is that, historically, nobody had heard of it before the NHS was set up and needed a justification for its continued drain on taxpayers’ money! Do you see or hear it mentioned in the media before the war? Of course not! It didn’t exist!”

Medical professionals and patients’ groups have reacted to Linoleum-Rugg’s claims, which he has previously made on the campaign trail, with a mixture of anger and incredulity. They have pointed out that sufferers of cancer and other serious illnesses present symptoms before being admitted to hospital and receiving treatment. “Oh, come on!” says the Tory, dismissing these claims. “The fact is that most people diagnosed with something minor, some vague ache or pain, or a persistent cough, next thing they know, they’ve been diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live unless they undergo some lengthy, painful and expensive treatment. The truth is that all most of them need is a couple of aspirin or some throat lozenges!” He also dismissed claims that high mortality rates from cancer surely proved that it was a very real and deadly disease. “Obviously a lot of them die even though they aren’t really ill – it’s that toxic treatment they get given,” Linoleum-Rugg says. “And let’s not be naive, we all know that the medics themselves kill a few of them off as well, just to make it all seem realistic.”

The candidate believes that he has evidence to prove both his theories and the existence of a massive establishment conspiracy to cover up the truth. “Just look at the way the whole medical community closed ranks and ganged up to discredit that guy who claimed that vaccinations were causing children more harm than the diseases they were allegedly preventing,” he says. “He’d clearly hit upon the truth and had the research to prove it – but he medical establishment trashed it all with their own fake data!” He also points to the surgeon recently convicted of carrying out unnecessary procedures on patients. “A lot of these procedures were mastectomies, supposedly to treat breast cancer,” he points out. “Yet, as has become apparent, none of these patients had ever suffered from cancer, despite his diagnoses! Well, obviously, because there’s no such bloody thing as cancer! The whole thing is a racket – just look at the way they seem to be finding new diseases and syndromes on a daily basis – all of them requiring expensive research and treatment!”

Linoleum-Rugg argues that, as most serious diseases requiring hospital treatment don’t actually exist, the government can legitimately scale back the NHS drastically. “Obviously, we’d still need some clinics to treat stuff like coughs and colds, although over-the-counter cold cures can treat most of these, and the odd broken arm or leg,” he opines. “That said, I’m pretty sure that most bone fractures are actually pretty minor until people get to hospital and the medics start whacking hem with hammers and making them worse. Anyway, the fact is that the kind of huge and expensive regional hospitals with their specialist units we’ve become accustomed to are completely unnecessary. We can save billions by closing them and eliminating these entirely fictional treatments for non-existent ailments!” He even questions the need for maternity units, arguing that it is surely better for mothers to give birth in the comfort of their own homes. Moreover, Linoleum-Rugg believes that by reducing the NHS to a rump, Britain will gain a healthier population. “The NHS was meant to make ordinary working class people healthier – but within a few years of its establishment we had more and more hospitals chock full of sick people. It defies logic – surely the numbers of seriously ill people should have declined with fewer doctors and hospitals needed?” he says. “Just look at the situation before the NHS: there were far fewer poor people in hospital. There were far fewer hospitals. Obviously, because they hadn’t invented all these diseases which needed intensive treatment!”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.