“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” is one of the few statements that gets on my nerves every time it is said.

Here’s why:

1) No one said you can’t take the baby out and replace the bathwater. Converts do this all the time when taking things they hold dear and blending it in with their new faith.

2) What if the bathwater is black and you can no longer see the baby? Wouldn’t it then be logical to throw the bathwater and the baby out in order to find said baby? With people who leave the church and then come back (though I suspect the vast majority who leave do not come back), surely this method has some success in recovering the baby.

3) Thanks to modern tub (or sink, depending on how old your baby is) drains it is impossible to lose your baby while removing the bathwater. Yes most of the world does not share this technology, but most of the world is not sharing this phrase amongst each other either.

4) What if the baby drowned? Why are you caring for a decaying body?

5) Now this might be a stretch, but what if you like the bathwater more than you like the baby? I think this is what is called a “Jack Mormon”, some one who doesn’t believe what is being taught but enjoys the benefits of membership.

I suggest instead we share a different message of encouragement:

“I understand what you’re going through. Faith crisis do happen, and they take time to figure out. If you want a listening ear, I’m here for you.”

I suppose we could parse this saying. Do we walk away from something mostly valuable because it has a flaw? Sometimes. Especially if the flaw affects us, personally, in a negative way. I once got into a huge argument with a politician here about the deaths of several kids in wilderness programs here in Utah and he made the point that the programs help the majority of kids and statistically, few die, so he didn’t want to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

That politician’s devotion to the programs probably hinged on the economic gains to our county which is valid, to a point. But I wanted to ask “what if it was your dead child?”

I’m disenchanted with some leaders and some programs in the church, but still have a testimony. I’m a bit of an odd duck, I think, and scare some people who would rather I did throw the baby out with the bathwater. But the relief I see on some women’s faces when I voice disgust or dismay about something is worth being labelled (did I spell that right?). (I say “that’s not doctrine it’s policy” at least once a week, I think).

I’ve said this ad nauseum but Matthew Bowman’s book “The Mormon People” helped me immensely in my decision to stay active. Because I’m clear-eyed about it and I’m not overwhelmed when I hear yet another “Joseph Smith was a lech” proclamation or realize yet again the racist nature of past church policies.

The “baby” of my activity stems from my absolute commitment to the reality of the Plan of Salvation and the fourth article of faith. It’s in the family history and temple work that I am convinced is God’s work. The bathwater of mysogynistic policies and rigid conformity, among other things, are things I can gripe about or ignore, but mostly just live with as part of human imperfections.

I’ve said this before, too, but lately I’ve realized how tolerant I need to be of those who choose to live the gospel more rigidly than I. We all come to God in our own way and I’m no better than anybody else, even the Molly Mormons whose quest for perfection I sometimes condemn.

I’m well known for championing the underdogs in my ward and my friends who’ve had a crisis of faith know I will not abandon them. I don’t base my friendship on orthodoxy. But, perhaps like you, NH, I have been abandoned as I’ve chosen not to conform in certain areas. And I feel alone at times. My friends still love me, but I know it bothers some of them.

Still, we have to be true to ourselves. I would go back to my first point of “Do we walk away from something mostly valuable because it has a flaw?” and ask “what is without flaw?” Do you stay loyal to other flawed institutions and why? Ultimately, it’s between you and God and yes, I am here for you if you need to talk. :)

Why not replace it with something else? My suggestions:
-Don’t throw the baby out with the outdated metaphors.
-make sure to catch the baby if you’re throwing it.
-don’t throw the baby at all.
-remember, it’s a small step from criticizing leaders/policies/members/history to throwing babies.
-make sure to wash your babies in something with a drain. Problem solved.

#1 – “Still, we have to be true to ourselves. I would go back to my first point of ?Do we walk away from something mostly valuable because it has a flaw?? and ask ?what is without flaw?? Do you stay loyal to other flawed institutions and why? Ultimately, it?s between you and God”
And that comment is why Annegb will always be #1 in my book.

I had babies that were super hard for the first few years of their lives. I mean that in all seriousness, as in I could never be on a jury in a case where a parent did something tragic to a baby because it Would. Not. Stop. Crying. Twice I fought the overwhelming urge to Stop The Crying and I can tell you honestly, only my desperate prayers to God stopped me from doing the unthinkable.
I am not ashamed of my thoughts in those critical moments. I am not less of a person because I was sleep-deprived and exhausted from babies who cried 24 hours a day. I am relieved that when I most needed His heavenly help, I was able to leave my crying babies in their cribs and walk away with the sure knowledge I had done all I could do to soothe them. It was up to Heavenly Father to comfort them, I had nothing left to give.
And He did. My babies were comforted, we all got desperately needed sleep and no one was thrown out the window.
I think we as adults can be like crying babies, desperately needing to be comforted and no one around us knows how to help. Sometimes pain can only be eased by going directly to God and telling Him how we feel.

Try doing what I said, NH. Being more tolerant of the members of your own ward; reaching out in friendliness. Rejecting the people would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater of activity. Many times people in my world have become inactive for one reason or another and decide nobody likes them, so they are off-ish when we reach out. Don’t assume that because people go to church every Sunday, they don’t need your friendship and kindness. I am now born again about the need to be tolerant of those we perceive as intolerant of us. It goes both ways. You don’t have to have a recommend to be friends with someone who does. Sometimes it’s the person WITHOUT the recommend who makes the decision not to be friends. That’s a kind of bigotry in itself. I think you will find a lot more encouragement than you expect.