Gerard sat on the boat back to England. He was in a daze and nothing anyone said to him could comfort the terrible pain that was gripping his entire being. The general had tried to calm Gerard down after Ray, Frank and Bob had managed to drag him into the alcove, but Gerard had cried un - controlably and then, all of a sudden, he had been gripped by a terrible rage and he had ran outside onto the beach, grabbed Mikeys body and had hugged it. The he had stood up and yelled at the Germans who just watched in confusion, Gerard had tore open his top, exposing his chest and had yelled at the Germans to shoot him, to kill him just like they had killed his younger brother. But they hadn't moved, un - sure of why this man was acting so crazy.
Ray had dragged Gerard back, and after six hours of grieving the General had decided that it was best Gerard went home. Ray, Frank and Bob decided to go with him, they didn't want to be in the war and it was extremely rare, pretty much un - heard of, to just be let home.
"Gee..." Began Ray as he touched Gerards arm, but Gerard shook his head.
"Don't try to comfort me Ray...nothing you can say will comfort me, nothing is going to soothe this pain." He said, Ray nodded and sighed sadly.
Frank was crying silently. Bob was looking shocked and lonely as he thought about everything that was happening.
"I just want you to know Gee...that we all feel as terrible as you do..." Said Ray slowly. Gerard shook his head.
"Theres no way you can feel like I do..." I said. Ray shook his head this time.
"We do Gee...we really do." He said.
"Really?" Gee looked up at Ray, he stared in his eyes just to show he was being truthful about everything he was about to say - "Well, I feel like shit and that is the biggest under - statement of the friggin century! I feel like all my life I've been made of glass and now I've just been shattered into a million peices. I feel like a big black viel of pain, sadness, anger and lonelines has just been draped over me. I feel like I'm suffocating and I feel like I'm empty and that I'm barely real yet I feel like I'm existing more than ever! My heart feels like its fit to burst and its like a great icy iron hand is gripping my lungs and crushing them! Its killing me inside because he was going to get married. He was going to get fucking married to a woman he loved and now - now he's gone, gone ray...fucking GONE!" Ray, Bob and Frank all stared at Gerard, un - sure of what to say, but they didn't get the chance to say anything as Gerard continued.
"Do you know what its going to be like, having to tell my mother that her youngest son has died. To tell Alicia that her fiancee is dead. Its like my soul is being tortured, all I want to do is die so I can be with Mikey, but I'm too scared of the fact that if I do kill myself, then I won't actually be with Mikey because heaven doesn't exist or something, and I don't want to chance it because what will it be like for my mother if she has to lose both her sons? I feel like I don't deserve to live because I was his older brother and I should of taken care of him. Its all my fault for signing him up for the army in the first place! Its my fault because...because....BECAUSE IT JUST IS! I LOVED HIM AND NOW HE'S GONE, GONE FOREVER AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK! HE'S NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED AND HE'S NOT GOING TO HAVE KIDS! I'M BEING EATEN UP FROM THE INSIDE AND DEATH IS HUGGING ME CLOSE, KILLING ME BUT NOT LETTING ME DIE!! I HATE THIS AND I JUST WANT IT TO ALL BE OK! BUT RIGHT NOW I JUST DONT THINK IT EVER WILL BE OK AGAIN! I MISS MIKEY MORE THAN ANYONE CAN EVER KNOW AND I JUST WANT TO EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL BUT NOT EVEN ALL THIS IS EVEN CLOSE TO HOW I'M FEELING! SO RAY, IS THAT REALLY HOW YOUR ALL FEELING -IS IT TRULY HOW YOUR FEELING?" Gerard stopped and took a deep breath, the tears flowing out of his eyes were filled with pain and he was shaking. The others were also crying, and they shared a small glance before Ray answered.
"Yeah Gee...that is how we feel." He said, Gerards face suddenly softened as he realised that he was in the wrong to be getting angry at his best friends...Mikey's best friends.
"I...I'm sorry...I dont know what I..." Gerard couldn't speak as he sobbed. Ray pulled him into a hug.
"We know Gee...we know"