The Call – December 12, 1987
I came home in the late afternoon one day and put the news on before going to work. We had a sunken living room and I was standing in the middle of the room when I saw the report. I had been watching the news very closely lately (with good reason). I was looking for news about a recent murder”¦but I wasn’t ready for this. It was one of the local news stations. I immediately recognized the artist sketch of the suspected murderer. It was my father.

They had just identified the body of a missing woman and they described the suspect. They had found her body three days earlier, in the same field where two bodies were found just days before. My father was responsible for them too”¦and I knew it.

As I watched the TV they described the suspect. His “hanging jowels, blond hair, age” and then, the kicker”¦he “used an inhaler and was driving a Cadillac.” That was my Dad alright. He had been very busy. He was paroled in April of 1987 and this was only December. One missing and three dead. Only this one was different. This was an innocent woman. They were all innocent, but this one”¦wasn’t involved with my father in any way. That is, until she put an ad in the paper to sell Diamonds.

I watched the story and felt faint. I didn’t know what to do. I paced as my mind started racing. What the hell had he done? Could I have stopped this? What do I do now? I felt like I was on a runaway train that I could not stop.

I drank. That was the only solution I could come up with. I had several beers and called work. They wanted to know why I had to miss work. I told them it was serious, very serious, but I couldn’t tell them why. They didn’t understand, but I didn’t care. I never went back to work there again.

It seemed obvious to me that it was John Bruce Vining (on the news). I thought everyone would be looking for him and that anyone who had seen that report would pick him out immediately. Maybe it was so obvious to me because of what I knew.

Suddenly, it all became clear to me. Unfortunately, it was crystal clear. He had visited me days earlier and said that he was back to being “Dr Jekyll” again. He said he had been “Mr. Hyde” the day before and he was feeling good about it. He was headed to Miami to cash something in. He put his foot on the bumper of the car, raised his head back and laughed. He was feeling very good about himself and he couldn’t hide it. He loved that he could be “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde”. That was his edge. Nobody would suspect a nice “old fart” like him of anything. That’s what he said about the little stuff he did, but this is where he really believed it. He was excited. He also left me the black Cadillac.

The car smelled awful. It had an indescribable sick odor that had been covered up with Brut cologne. He said Ethel (the dog) had a terrible accident and that he had to rip out the carpet and cover up the smell with cologne. That smell stuck with me, but it would be awhile before I put two and two together. I drove that car for several days. Years later I realized that the smell was that off a dead body. I think I knew deep down at the time but I couldn’t handle it so I dismissed the thought, quickly. These things were happening so fast and I apparently wasn’t ready to deal with it. That’s the only way I can explain it today.

Well, after drinking for a while I finally got enough nerve to call him. I paced and paced until I was finally able to pick up the phone. It felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. I thought by telling him what I saw on the news, he would run. I wanted him to run. I asked him to go. I wanted him gone. He asked if I would meet him at a bar in Apopka. I did. It was a hole in the wall. He was wearing jeans, a white T-Shirt and his brown leather jacket.

We talked and had a beer. He told me to calm down and not to worry. He was very bothered that I was so unnerved confronting him with this. I could sense the disgust in him over my inability to be calm about this. It was as if I was letting him down. He asked me specifically what I saw that would make someone believe it was him. I don’t think I ever asked him if he did it, it was just understood. He was concerned, but calm. He was very calculating in his thinking. He simply told me not worry, said “I was overreacting” and we walked outside and switched cars back.

I’ll never forget the drive home that night. What was I doing in this world and why was this all happening I kept asking myself. It seemed to me that I was supposed to be able to go to my father for help in life, but he was the bad guy. My father was the boogeyman I had always feared as a little kid. I didn’t know anybody in the world that I thought could help me.

I got home and sat in the kitchen by myself, my mind racing out of control. I thought and thought and thought. I cried and felt sick. Drinking wasn’t enough to drown this out, and I knew it. I called Crimeline Tips and gave them my fathers name in connection with her murder. I was scared, panicked and didn’t know what else to do. After the call I cried not knowing if I did the right thing because he was my father. Trying to understand that my father was the bad guy was very difficult to wrap my mind around. In fact, even after this experience I would continue to have problems with this. It doesn’t make sense, but that was my experience. For now though, I believed it was only a matter of time before they picked him up. I was wrong.

He would remain free for another seven months before finally being arrested in Savannah, Georgia for another crime (kidnapping & attempted murder). That runaway train wasn’t going anywhere for a while. And I was along for the ride.

It’s impossible to explain how I felt that night and what I felt when in his presence after calling Crimeline. I tried not to think about what he would do to me if he knew. Part of me still wanted to believe that he was my father and the unthinkable was not possible. Deep down I knew the truth. It was about survival. Now I was conning him. Trying to remain cool so he would believe that I was OK with what he was doing. Like it was no big deal.

I repressed many of these memories for years but did move on after my father was arrested. It was about four years ago that I finally came to understand all of this, or at least started to understand it. I am still learning about it.

The first step was accepting that my father was a sociopath, a man without a conscience. Being able to label it and find other people with similar experiences has truly been a blessing. I hope these experiences will help others to better understand these characteristics and help society to begin to look more closely at this disorder.

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Comment on this article

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can’t imagine the pain of being roped into Dad’s secrets like that. I work with abused and neglected children and no matter what, there always seems to be some built in loyalty from child to parent even when the parent fails them miserably.

I hope telling your story will be very healing for you.

All the best… Aloha

November 11, 2008 10:17 pm

Elizabeth Conley

“He would remain free for another seven months before finally being arrested in Savannah, Georgia for another crime (kidnapping & attempted murder). ”

My heart goes out to you when I think of how it felt to be on that “runaway train”. Even calling crimeline and giving his name in connection with a murder didn’t stop that train.

Your case was extreme, and it illustrates what almost everyone else experiences when they identify a Sociopath. Who do they tell? What happens if they tell? (Usually little or nothing.) It’s crazy-making, and in your case it was terrifying.

God Bless You. Thank you for telling your story.

November 12, 2008 7:59 am

Ox Drover

Ann Rule turned her friend Ted Bundy’s name in to the police. Others, including his GF Meg, turned him in but it was years and many murders later before he was caught.

Thanks for sharing, Travis. God bless.

November 12, 2008 9:17 am

bird

wow-thanks for sharing your story. When I share my story with people who don’t undersatnd, it is hard on me because I feel some of the same emotions that I did when it actually happened. I do find it healing to share with people who understand though. Thank you again.

Those 7 months had to be the longest of your life!

I have told people what happened to me, and many blamed me. I would blurt out “but they were all lies, how could I know?” Still I was blamed, mostly for bad choices. I can fess up and say I made a mistake. But we all make mistakes, and when we are being gaslighted it’s hard to make good decisions (to my defense:) Our sharing often backfires when we do it with the wrong people.

These days I am making really good decisions!

November 12, 2008 7:14 pm

Ox Drover

Dear Bird,

Quote: “These days I am making really good decisions”

TOWANDA!!!!!

Quote: “Our sharing often backfirees when we do it with the worng people.”

Bird – it was important for me to be able to forgive my father, but it was much more important that I was able to forgive myself. I felt that my mistakes contributed to these muders, that I could have stopped it somehow, but that wasn’t true.

I believe that “mistakes” can become our greatest assets once we forgive ourselves, become willing to learn from them and then use these experiences to help others. Today, I am truly grateful for it. I don’t have to understand it, just accept it. It wasn’t easy and took some time, but that is how it worked for me. Travis

November 13, 2008 6:15 am

Indigoblue

It is very simple really so simple it’s like not seeing the forest for the tree !

What greater gift is there than to give your life for another! The lesson has been writen for thousands of years! LOVE jere

November 13, 2008 7:45 am

Wini

Indi: I agree with you. I think people who take the righteous paths in life, learn to view the bigger picture in life … as we learn wisdom.

Our EXs and those like our EXs, never took righteous paths, just pretended to do the work, therefore, didn’t learn wisdom that allows them to see the bigger picture of life.

They view their lives myopically. Oh, they can long range plan their evil deeds, but still, in that planning is the ultimate of what they are myopically focused on … one of the vices, pick one, any one of the vices in life … for that is clouding their vision to see God’s virtues in life, and that is the beauty of why we are down here living a human existence.

I think the realization that your bio father, the man who was your blood kin the one who should have protected you from the bad people, was himself flat out evil personified, must be one of the hardest things you ever had to acknowledge. How frikkin awful for you, hon! Seriously…

But you did good by turning him in. It’s never too late in my opinion, to seek justice for the horrors a person has committed.

How did you learn to accept it? This is all so fresh and new and I feel after years of lying. I dont know whats real.

January 31, 2011 3:08 pm

lesson learned

JustMe

Welcome back. 🙂

It takes time. Lots of time. Since this is fresh for you, it will take awhile for your mind to wrap around your experience. Do just what you’re doing and read articles as much as you can. It’s very hard at first, I understand.

You’ll find a lot of support here in helping to understand your experience.

LL

January 31, 2011 3:33 pm

JustMe79

Thanks LL,
I feel like maybe I have a learning disability or something. I keep reading and reading and see all the signs but am having a hard time believeing it. Is like an obsession to find the truth. But Im still trying to justify that he is a true sociopath. I have used Mr. Number to block him so he cant text or call. I have blocked his email address and feel somewhat better. I watched a movie called Monster this weekend and it started to make sense then Im right back to were I started confused. ugh. Have you seen the movie Monster? Is she a sociopath? Im just sitting here thinking of all the money im going to have to spend in therapy to solve this ugh.

January 31, 2011 3:40 pm

lesson learned

JustMe,

I’ve not seen that movie. I don’t know whether or not you have a learning disability lol, but I don’t think that if you did, it would make any difference in that your experience was TOTALLY REAL!!

It’s really hard to wrap your mind around it. To change the direction of motives, with subsequent behaviors that were NOT in our best interest nor about us at all. You have the truth, it’s just that the obsessing is part of the transition into reality, kinda like reeling from your experience.

It’s well worth the money JustMe. TRUST me on that one. Therapy is a lifesaver!

LL

January 31, 2011 3:44 pm

JustMe79

LL
After you found out you were dealing with a sociopath did it seem like when you talked with your friends that they didnt understand? Has it takn you a while to heal also? I guess I feel like im in this one all alone when it comes to talking to peple outside this site and Im finding out that not many people understand what a sociopath truly is. I feel bad because a big part of me wants revenge for what was done to me. Maybe this is bad of me to say but I want him to hurt like he hurt me. But I know thats its best to cut all ties and leave.

January 31, 2011 4:08 pm

lesson learned

JustMe

Yes. So I don’t talk to them about it. They mean well and they do care, but they don’t understand the degree to which I’ve been wounded and the reasons why or the man who did it to me. So that’s why I come here and I also found a therapist who is VERY well educated about sociopaths/psychopaths as well as having dealt with abusive men directly, but specializes in victim traumas. If you look for a therapist, find out if they are AWARE of what a sociopath is prior to counseling. It’s VERY IMPORTANT to have your experience validated!!

Don’t feel bad for wanting revenge JustMe. He didn’t care what he did to you.

Are you still living with him or? I don’t understand what you mean when you say to cut all ties and leave.

NC is the only way to begin recovering. Involvement if you don’t have to be involved (kids, finances), only hinders your time in starting the healing process.

LL

January 31, 2011 4:20 pm

skylar

JustMe,
I saw that movie and it sat in my stomach for a week!
Now I realize that the sociopath was the LESBIAN GIRLFRIEND.

She looked so sweet and innocent, but she used Aileen for money. She knew Aileen was having sex with guys and being degraded but she liked that. Then she knew that Aileen had stopped having sex with the guys and was just killing and robbing them, but she didn’t care. She liked the fact that she could pity ploy Aileen into doing these outrageous things FOR HER. Aileen was a prostitute before she met the girlfriend, but she only worked to get by. Afterwards she worked really hard to bring home more and more money for her girlfriend.
Anyway you saw the movie. It’s been a long time since I saw it and I’m sure that there was much much more that I missed, but I can’t see it again because just remembering it is traumatizing.

January 31, 2011 4:21 pm

JustMe79

LL & Skylar. Thanks much! Your right. Right now Im a validating it all. Im trying to make sence of what has been going on for 2 years now. I cant tell you how much havin people who understand me right now means to me.It assures me that there still are good people out there. So I appreciate you all listening to me. My guy plays on the fact that I am a good person and will always pick up the phone, then he destroys my life and disaapears only to come back in haunt me. Two months ago I went to the cops because within 1 hour he sent me 88 text messages and several naked photos that he had of me with a letter saying I’ll pay .Then 1 month later texted me Merry Christmas, miss you hun with a wink. Like nothing had ever happened. No Im Sorry. No that was wrong of me, no nothing. LL he doesnt live with me and no we dont have any kids together, so Im very lucky in that sense. But I only wish I could tell my friends the things he does to me. But Im ashamed.Its like Jerry Springer stuff. He does horrible things and it scares me to believe there are people like this out there. After watching Monster I woke up and realized what an impact he could have on my life and bocked his number and email. I hope one day he goes through what I did.

January 31, 2011 4:42 pm

Ox Drover

Dear Justme,

The “Jerry Springer-eque” type behavior is unbelieveable to most people but it is TRUE, there are people out there like that who are so insensitive….so mean…so uncaring…so unconnected….and unfortunately most people don’t realize such animals, such monsters do exist.

Cut your connections with him, completely, don’t allow him into your life. If he stalks you, call the cops, file a restraining order on him, and enforce it.

Come here and read and read and read, go back through the archived articles and read them, KnOWLEDGE IS POWER, and the more you know, the stronger you will be.

Yes, there are monsters out there. Yes, we believe you. Yes, many of your friends may not. Doesn’t mean it isn’t true, though. Keep on learning, he is not the last psychopath you will meet. Learn to spot the red flags and protect yourseelf from the next one. Welcome! (((hugs))))

January 31, 2011 5:22 pm

skylar

Justme,

speaking of monsters…
when I first found out about the sociopaths and realized I had been living with one, it was horrifying to me. I had always been a squeamish person, afraid of horror flicks, can’t read steven king novels and it turns out I was in the middle of one for 25 years!

I was just writing to someone else about somethings I remembered from when I was 4 years old. These are some of my earliest memories. One memory was a dream in which my baby sister was abducted by a monster. Now I think the symbolism was the my baby sister WAS a monster. In fact, she grew up to be a sociopath. The other memory is of being 5 years old and thinking that my mother actually was the devil in disguise. She hadn’t done anything except feed me lunch, but that’s what I thought. Now it turns out my mother is a narcissist who hides it behind a cloak of piety. (socio?).

Maybe my fear of monsters all of these years was a repressed knowledge that there were evil people out there. Maybe I knew it even at age 4 and couldn’t bear the knowledge so I turned it into an irrational fear.

Sounds like the plot of a harry potter novel, now. In those books, the sorcerer community fear Lord Voldermore so much that they call him, “he whose name must not be mentioned”.

January 31, 2011 6:01 pm

skylar

One of the things that has struck me is how naive I could be about other peoples’ intentions. How is it possible for someone so “worldly” to be so naive? So many of the “evil” ones have looked at me in disbelief, when I expressed shock at lies, duplicity and evil. They said, “Sky, everybody (is evil) (lies) (uses everybody)” How could a 43 year old woman be the last to know? For that matter, it appears, there are others like me on LF. Could it be I (we) repressed the knowledge because we intuited the truth too early in life? Before we could handle it? Then we were left stuck at that age of fantasy where we fear monsters that don’t exist so that we don’t have to fear monsters that do exist?

January 31, 2011 6:12 pm

one/joy_step_at_a_time

or maybe it’s because it is a lie, sky. not everybody lies, and not everybody tells lies that a spath would tell, or an n.

January 31, 2011 6:15 pm

skylar

OneJoy,
I know that not everybody lies, but I see the key component of this personality disorder as envy and a desire to hurt someone because of that envy and then hiding the fact by pretending the opposite is true.

That is something that just slipped right past me. I couldn’t really grasp it. I’m sure I had seen it in movies or read about it, perhaps even experienced it, but never really grasped the enormity of the hatred experienced by the hater. When I did, it was like a punch in the gut. Shocking.

How is it that other people know about this and they are OK with it, but I find it so frighteningly disturbing?

January 31, 2011 6:38 pm

one/joy_step_at_a_time

who is ‘okay’ with it?

people who have only a theoretical idea of it?

January 31, 2011 6:42 pm

skylar

My spath sister said, “everybody is evil, you’re evil, I’m evil.”
Granted she doesn’t get it, but my parents, get it. They know what spath did to me. So why don’t they do everything in their power to remove their evil kids from their lives?
My BF, had an evil mom. He knows this but he took care of her while she was dying. My spath believes he is actually an evil demon. He likes it. Other people who know he was planning to kill me, were not only ok with it but participated.
Oxy’s son C, knew that her egg donor and the spath were plotting to drive her crazy. But he said nothing. He was OK with it.
So maybe they don’t have more than a theoretical idea of it, but neither did I at 4 years old, but I knew to be afraid of it.

I guess that’s what I mean, why aren’t these people afraid of evil while I have understood its dangers all my life?

January 31, 2011 6:56 pm

lesson learned

Sky,

I’ve heard that too before. I often wonder though, while having heard it if they know that what they’re doing is wrong, but just justifying it with the “Everbody is” this or that stuff.

I think with that level of denial required to be a spath or those who don’t understand it for what it is, put it into common terms in the form of generalities. They are the always, never, everybody people. Justifying it with their skewed perceptions of reality and projection in that “everybody” does it, makes it okay in their twisted minds.

LL

January 31, 2011 7:03 pm

Ox Drover

It is disturbing to me that my son C knew what was being done to me by the Trojan horse P and my X-DIL, and my egg donor, and my P son, and C did not warn me…when I asked him about it later, why he didn’t DO something when he found out the TH-P was farking around with my cell phone account and running up the bill to 100s of dollars, etc. he said “Wellllll, I told him he shouldn’t do that.” (Excuse me while I PUKE!) When you (that is the universal “you”) are aware of evil and you do NOTHING, you are part and parcel of the evil. If you observe someone beating or raping someone and you don’t at least call the cops, (if you are not able to physically stop the attack) I think you are just as guilty as the perp.

The story in the Bible about the traveler on the road who was beaten, injured and lying in a ditch and several “upright” citizens passed by the man, even walking on the other side of the road so as not to come too close to him, but a Smaritian (a lower class Jewish person) who was looked down on by the “upright” citizens of Jerusalem stopped, bound up the man’s wounds, took him to an inn, left money for his continued care and was compassionate to the wounded and injured man, where the “upright” citizens did NOTHING for the injured man.

When my son C lied to me last year, I realized that he had not truly had compassion for me, or respect for me in any way, but was willing to stand by while I was “injured” and DO NOTHING for me, to stand by and watch while others actively drove me from my home like a scape goat into the wilderness. He isn’t a psychopath, but he isn’t the kind of man I want for a friend, much less a son. I can’t trust him. I don’t hate him, but I don’t trust him. I don’t want to be around him.

I don’t completely comprehend why C is the way he is, why he makes the choices he does. I don’t think he is a psychopath, but he isn’t the empathetic and kind man I wish my son was, that I would like my son to be, but I can’t control what he is or what he thinks. He is an adult and he is responsible for himself now. I am responsible for myself and my choice is to keep him at “arm’s length” from my life.

January 31, 2011 7:27 pm

skylar

LL,
thats the thing. knowing something is wrong and feeling it are 2 different things. some people think wrong and right are just social constructs. They feel no connection either way, unless the hurt is on them.

Oxy, that is one thing you and I have in common, we both come from a long line of spath family members.

I’m not sure I’m stating my question correctly. It’s more like, why am I more horrified, or empathetic when I see someone getting hurt, than all those people who would just walk by. My BF says he has compassion fatigue. I told him you have to have compassion first before it can fatigue you. He replied, “I had compassion” I asked “when was that?” His response, “when I was six” LOL. He was being flippant, we both were, but I’m not sure he wasn’t mostly telling the truth. I’m no longer afraid of being hurt by spaths like I was, because I know the red flags and I also understand how spaths think.

What I don’t get, is the “normal” people. If you aren’t a vampire, how can you get off watching vampires suck others dry? My BF said, that maybe it’s like driving by a car accident. You crane your neck and look because, deep down, we know there is a law of averages. If it happened to someone else, there’s less chance it will happen to you. I can see people talking like that here on LF, when they are relieved that the spath goes on to the next victim because they are finally free and hope he won’t come back. We are just battle weary.

That’s kind of what happened in the neighborhood I used to live in. We had a water association with a board of directors. There was a woman, Alice, who was controlling the whole thing for 12 years. Every once in a while she would pick on someone to threaten with a lawsuit. We all kind of felt relieved when it wasn’t us. I finally got on the board and ousted the bitch. I uncovered all the mismanagement and irresponsible behavior in front of the entire community and she resigned. took me 3 years of back spathing but I felt great. But little did I know that the rest of the board members (whom I personally recruited) were on my spaths list of buddies that were planning to see me commit suicide. What a fiasco. Then I resigned, it was too hard to fight the spath and the spathettes at the same time. It has left me battle weary.

I got off the point, I think. I’m just wondering what made me unaware of how dangerous people’s envy is. how could I have been unable to see that other people didn’t want the best for me. What made me blind to it? There are lots of people who have not studied sociopathy and they don’t get targetted by spaths. What makes us different? Can spaths see that we are more empathetic and will fall for their pity ploy? But if we have compassion fatigue they will have to find another hook and that’s a more difficult con job?

January 31, 2011 10:02 pm

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hey sky – when do you have your therapy appt.?

January 31, 2011 10:13 pm

skylar

hi One,
Thursday at noon. It’s an intake appt where they just evaluate their ability to help me.
It’s with Catholic Community services. There is one Psychologist that monitors several therapists in training.

It is a sliding scale fee so that’s the only reason I can afford it.
If it helps it will be the first thing the Catholic Church has ever done to help me! LOL.

January 31, 2011 10:21 pm

lesson learned

Sky, my entire family is spaths. Did you not read that?

I think it probably goes back generations. I’d like to study it. For sure, my grandmother was as spath as anyone could be. Her mother as well.

She was a horrible, awful, mean little bitch who abused and ruled her three children. One who is dead from the anxiety she put upon her her entire life. Then there was my father, whom she knew was sensitive so she kicked the Fucking SHIT out of him his entire childhood, yes this was verified
By the time the youngest came along (an accident) my spath grandmother was too fucking tired to do anything but spoil his rotten ass.

I loved my uncle And I know he knew something was wrong and that I loved him, as I know his wife knew….but as they grew older and had children of their own (my uncle was a major CEO of what is now QWEST communications, but now retired), and got into serious “money” they became jaded………..then downright abusive and greedy…it wasn’t until I was older that I saw something wrong with my aunt and uncle….they were trying to bribe me, suck me in, so they could get the ring off of my finger that was given to me by my Spathdaddy (to piss off his neice of course), after my grandmother died…the 50th anniversary “wedding” ring. WELL WHO GIVES A FUCK!!

well, apparently poor Megs did. She was so so so upset!

I took that fucker and SOLD it to a pawn shop

I told that to my aunt…(after they manipulated me and called me to tell me they had a “dresser” for me that they wanted me to have-bullshit, when they knew the ring was gone, they never showedu p with said dresser), and she completely freaked out on me………..gasping for air, “LL, you know what that ring meant, I can’t believe how abusive you are, I can’t believe you’d say that to me”

FUCK YOU Auntie……………..it isn’t about me and it never was.

Not for my uncle either. They learned well. It was about the money, bribery and sucking someone in for ONLY those purposes

Money doesn’t mean SHIT to me now. It’s been used against me my ENTIRE life and did NOTHIGN for me……….

But it’s really important right?

Shut down…………………

Can you say PISSED OFF?

This is my family. Gosh, I’m proud 🙂

LL

January 31, 2011 10:27 pm

skylar

LL,
Oh, a competition is it? Well!
I’ll meet your full house spaths and raise you with a Royal Flush Spath House. LOL. 🙂
The reason I compared my family to Oxy’s is because my dad told me he had some uncles, who were not, let me emphasize, blood relatives, but they were all lynched from a tree way back in the 1920’s I believe. The towns people in Texas hated them so much because they were murdering spaths that they were rounded up. But one of the brothers got away. He was later killed on his barstool in a different town because he never learned his lesson.
That one was married to my grandmother’s sister, if I recall correctly. But as you know spath families attract spaths and my grandmother was an evil bitch. Her youngest son R, was the golden child, he has been married twice. The first marriage lasted 24 hours. Why? Well it wasn’t exactly an arranged marriage, but she was very persuasive that he marry this particular woman. I was 2 years old and there is a picture of me at the wedding. Well the wedding night did not go so well, because it turned out she wasn’t a woman!!
My grandmother knew this crap. He did not marry again for more than 10 years and she kept him close to her apron strings. She takes the cake.

On my mother’s side, I don’t know much because my mother is the one who tells me all the goodies about my dad’s rotten family, but devulges very little about her own. But she did tell me that her father was abandoned by his mom at age 4. Apparently, her husband died and she had 3 kids. He was the oldest. She remarried in order to stay alive, having no income. But the new husband didn’t want the older boy. She gave him to an uncle who used him as a slave until he was grown and left home. Someone who is treated that way cannot end up a normal person. But I’ve never heard her say anything bad about him. My father, has hinted but never clarified that there was something about mom’s dad. Both my grandmothers were crabby and hated us, IMO. I never knew my grandfathers.

So you win on spathiness on your immediate family because they abused you so badly. But I think my historical spath family is more colorful! 🙂

January 31, 2011 10:50 pm

True-to-Self

Well I want to be in the contest. How many spaths do you think you have on FB? I just found my ex spath BF’s ex girlfriend who somehow seems to be a sister of my neighbor’s son.

I do not know how that is possible, but he is adopted. So my neighbor’s son excepted my friend request. I messaged him because I want to know why is living in that remote town in my state now. I want to ask him about his sister my ex spath’s ex girlfriend, but NO. Instead I found myself checking out my ex spath BF’s picture on FB by using my daughter’s page. He is blocked from mine. My daugher doesn’t really have a page. Well nevermind. I am FB stalking. Talk me out of this nonsense.

I think it is because of getting all of the emotional stuff out with ex husband that I now feel lonely.

HELP! Tell me a joke or something.

TTS

January 31, 2011 11:20 pm

True-to-Self

Let me see if I can talk this through. I feel rejected because I was rejected by two husbands and a boyfriend. Not all friends male or female rejected me, just behaviorally challenged spathy ones.

I guess that makes me normal. It is kind of like junk food. Sometimes you just want to eat those pork rinds. ok done. I will be all right. I need a hug though.

TTS

January 31, 2011 11:35 pm

lesson learned

ROFLOL!! I effing LOVE you sky!!!

You’re so real. I wish I had the history books to back me up LOL! I don’t know how the hell you’d figure that out but…

Oh, yea, totally spath, my fam. Sure wish I could “trace” it.

Only to grandma spathy POS can I do it.

I’m so angry right now. I’m taking it out on everyone here.

Thanks for the humor sky.

Love you 🙂

January 31, 2011 11:41 pm

True-to-Self

LL
(((((((hug)))))))))))

We all have bad days. I am turning off this computer and going to go have some yogurt. Really, no more junk food for me.

I am losing the weight so when a mentally stable guy comes along that is worthy of my affection I will be lookin good.

Good Night All

TTS

January 31, 2011 11:59 pm

lesson learned

((((((((((((((( TTS ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

LOve you………….even in all of my anger.

Good for you on your yogurt treat!

XXOO

LL

February 1, 2011 12:29 am

JustMe79

I’m feeling really weak right now. I wanna contact him and just cry. I want to make him hear the hurt he caused.but I know its pointless. Im mad at myself for even thinking of. Him. When I know he’s not thinking of me.in fact the dirty bastards probley finding his next prey to destroy. He’s probley using the pitty me scheme he used on me. He fled the country after his damage. I hope he can’t get back into America. I hope he stays there in rots.

February 1, 2011 12:46 am

Ox Drover

Dear Justme,

((((hugs))))) I hope he rots too!!!! Just be glad that you are not without empathy and compassion. I’d rather be hurt by one of them than BE them. (((Hugs)))) and God bless.

I”m envious. With all you’ve been through, I want to be as strong as you are. But I’m not. I feel a little like being in the back of the lunch line when I wish I was up front with all the popular crowd…

That sound crass and superficial. I don’t mean it to be.

I wish my healing were happening a little faster than it is. I have a grasp on some of it, but not all of it………

Part of what is so frustrating is that I can’t seem to just “get over” it.

LIke with Dm or with Questy…so many who have already walked the path, I can only imagine what it is to be so far ahead in healing……..

I realize it’s not a contest. But sometimes, it feels like it and I become discouraged with my very slow, very painful, very anger provoking progress……..

That adds to the pain I’m in.

I want to be “over it”………but I’m not.

That frustrates me.

I have to learn to accept where I’m at right now. THat’s very hard.

While I can “visualize” what it is to be there, I’m just not. Even more discouraging.

I apologize for projecting and attacking. Please know I don’t mean too. I realize this is MY shit, not anyone else’s.

I know that.

LL

February 1, 2011 1:03 am

JustMe79

The hardest part is knowing that I loved a monster. In I’m supposed to be better than him,yet he never loved me. Its like well dam if a monster wouldn’t love me then what? Am I doomed to a life all alone. This makes me think maybe he is right.AND wth I still care about him. Really?! I’m just plain stupid. I hate that I can’t reach out and warn the world about him. I believe in karma and all I can hope is my self esteem is regained thru this and that he goes to jail for his crimes n his mind takes over to the point of insanity.

February 1, 2011 1:06 am

hens

My 2 cent’s. Not everybody in my family is a spath, just 2 or 3, but they did enough damage to ruin many live’s, killed a few ‘ murder by suicide ‘, the damage they do can live for generation’s to come..some of them dont have a clue what they are or even care….oh did I mention I am a hermit?

February 1, 2011 1:25 am

lesson learned

JustMe

You’ll get to the point where you don’t care when you find healing, but it’s a long road.

I hope you just hang here and keep posting. Even while it might feel like it, all is not lost. Promise

LL

February 1, 2011 1:28 am

Ox Drover

Dear LL,

First off go find a brick wall and bang your head sharply into it and say “I’m not rich or famous, and I’m gonna go eat worms” and it will do as much good as what you are doing now! STOP BANGING YOUR HEAD INTO THE WALLS!!!!!

I don’t know if you have heard about my famous “cast iron skillet” or not, but I use it to BOINK folks on the head with (notice that Henry’s head is FLAT I’ve hit him so many times with it) Notice also that MY head is flat cause I hvae hit myself with it!

What do I hit folks for? For being so down on themselves! NOW STOP IT!!! RAT NOW!!!!! It is not accomplishing anything but working yourself up into a lather.

BREATHE! Sit calmly and focus inside, quiet your mind and your spirit. BREATHE!!!! Talk to yourself like you would if you were talking to your own child, hold that inner child and nurture her. Tell her that you will keep her safe. BREATHE!!!!

Just lie back on your bed or couch or chair and close your eyes and talk calmly to yourself, soothe yourself, and wind down. There are times we need those tantrums, but there are also times we need to collect ourselves.

Being furious at yourself because you “should” be further along, etc. isn’t productive I don’t think. Being GOOD to yourself, being KIND to yourself IS PRODUCTIVE. Affirming yourself and where you are NOW and accepting that it is OK to be where you are NOW. Just like you can’t rush through and get to the birth of a child, it has to grow inside, you, the NEW YOU must also grow, give her the time and the nurture she needs instead of beating her on the head for not emerging fully [email protected] (((hugs))))

February 1, 2011 1:38 am

lesson learned

Oxy,

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, have heard about your skillet. I want to skip that.

I don’t know how to be “okay” with where I’m at. BIG obstacle here!!

I’ll be taking this to my therapist Wednesday. And through this blog, with a bunch of peeps I don’t even know, I’m learning about myself, but DAMMIT, I HATE being in this place…….I HATE IT!

**BOINK****

Was that your biggest frying pan or do you need to dig out another bigger one.

I’m NOT OKAY (perfectionistic side of me) Being where I’m at right now, Ox.

I HATE IT.

Perfectionist is how I have SURVIVED……….I WAS a lot like EB………energetic, teh energizer bunny….

But now I’m not. And because of that survival mechanism, Ox, I don’t know HOW to be………….how to just BE.

Thank you. And with as much as we can love anyone in cyberspace that we connect to, Ox, I love you too.

I love you too

LL

February 1, 2011 1:48 am

ErinBrock

LL:
Anger is a good emotion…..and a necessary one.
Learn to connect and learn about YOU during this phase.
It’s a good time to learn about self control growth and discipline.
The fact you are frustrated at what you view as slow ‘progress’ and are not over it yet…..tells me so.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Look at the time ‘out’ of the relationship. Now look at the drama you’ve encountered in the past week alone….and your mad your not ‘over it’?
Come on now…….
Concentrate on the ‘necessary’ …..YOU….and YOU only. Not your son, not your daughter……..not the ex’s…..but YOU.
YOU have to live YOUR life. It’s not time to give charity to others…..you are diverting your energies…….IMHO.

To get to the ‘good’ place….you can’t rush….you must feel each phase and process it….it’s important to learn about YOU along the way….in order to make the changes and become aware of ‘how’ you got to ‘here’.

It’s OKAY…..go with it.
It will take a looong time….expect it.
We’ve all been in differenct phases at the same and/or differnt times…..some go backwards, some continue on a forward journey…..it’s all about the ‘work’ we commit to doing for a healthier self.
there is NO easy road to healing.

It’s OKAY…..keep telling yourself that. IT:S OKAY!!!!

February 1, 2011 1:49 am

ErinBrock

And LL……don’t think I’ve got the energizer bunny in me…..I drag myself through.
After 2 strokes, a disected carotid artery and cancer….all while going through a divorce with the spath, stalking, harassment, house torn apart, bank accounts drained, kids abused yadyadayada……daily naps are still in the cards……my physical body is STILL healing……and I got sick in Oct 2006.
I got my ASS kicked all the way round!!!!

We gotta do what we gotta do.

I am 3 years out baby…..and still deal with the fear and shiat of cleanup from the spath…..it’s all about the drive…..what we want, what we need and what we desire…..
I desire NOT to have the bank lock me and my posessions out……so it’s worth it to work my butt off…..for some semblence of normalcy for myslef and my kids…..I KNOW here soon…..life will take on a new meaning.
And to shove a treasure search into the mix right now……well….hey…..If I found a million dollars……I could rest very well after that! 🙂

February 1, 2011 2:03 am

lesson learned

EB

You’re speaking my language chica,

I don’t know your FULL story here, I just see energy and love and well, KICK ASS!! That’s so who I am, but not now……….

Just not now.

I’m having health issues too and I’m PISSED that I’m in this place.

Ever read this book called, “IN the meantime” by Iyanla vanZant?

Well this bitch has been THRUST into the meantime, kicking and screaming……..

But that’s not how it’s always been.

This is something I’m putting in my backpack and taking to therapy.

Breathe? What the FUCK is that after 47 years of energizer bunny, and hyperventilating?

GOD I admire you and your strength.

Everyone here who has been there done that.

I’m understanding that I can’t speed up the process, but I sure as hell wish I could

Good luck with your gold diggin chica and the move!! You deserve a mill 🙂

LL

February 1, 2011 2:10 am

ErinBrock

Don’t wish for something you can’t have…..wish for peace TODAY. And if you get it 1/2 the day…..that set’s the bar!
Take it moment by moment.

I had a very special Dr tell me each time i saw him…..EB, you must reduce your stress……I’d respond the same each time……HOW DO I KNOW I AM UNDER STRESS?
I didnt even know what it felt like….I was so used to it.
This is when I learned to breath. I still have to remind myself…..really….I hold my breath!

Reading…..HA…..I don’t stop my mind long enough to do that. I got the sociopath next door because it was on CD.
I took the time to read Donna’s book…..and I wish she’d get it on CD too!!!!! I’ve never been a reader…..OR a movie watcher. If I slow down….i’m asleep…..

You nailed it. Last term, trying to juggle it ALL, and getting rid of spathy too, and being totally SICK (had bad bronchitis), it was, “LL, you have to take care of you, what can you do to eliminate your stress, because you have to learn how to SLOW DOWN to get well”

WTF? ME? SLOW DOWN?

EB, I still have my kick ass …………SOMEWHERE……………you have a junior, I have one too…………..I hyperventilate when he comes into the room………