FOX: Monday 9:00PM - The Swan: Yet another promotion for the plastic surgery industry masquerading as entertainment. Its very title is a twisting of the Ugly Duckling story; apparently, the original authors failed to
mention that the ugly duckling had to have severe reconstructive facial surgery, a boob job, liposuction and new eyes to become a beautiful swan.

PBS:Monday 8:00pm –Antiques Roadshow: Usually cordial appraiser beats old lady down with her totally worthless National Geographic collection.

Saturday 10:00pm - The Man Show: New host replacements are less adequate then "Coy" and "Vance" Duke. "Fear Factor" guy’s nebbishy co-host looks more uncomfortable in a flannel shirt than Buddhist
monks do when they’re on fire.

Weekdays 11:00pm - The Daily Show: Jon Stewart takes bets as to how long it will be before his show is cancelled by Michael Powell. See also "Real Time with Bill Maher"

Weekdays 11:30pm - Tough Room with Colin Quinn: Colin’s continuing struggle with the English language is again documented for linguistic therapists around the globe.

VH1: Monday 10:30pm - Best Day Ever: A gaggle of marginally talented c-list entertainment riff raff reminisces and makes tired jokes about shit that happened four hours ago. Featuring that guy from that movie.

E! Network: 12:00am Howard Stern: Howard is arrested for treason and carted off to the Pentagon basement prison to await trial in 2015. Next week: "The Robin Quivers Inappropriate Laughter Show."

MTV: Wednesday 8:00pm - The Osbournes: The world keeps on laughing as Ozzy’s health visibly deteriorates.

Thursday 10:00pm - The Real World—Fallujah: Ali won’t speak to Conrad after he finds out Conrad shot his daughter as she waved a white flag. Saddam gets in trouble for feeling Jessica up after a long night of hash smoking.

Saturday 6:00pm -MTV Cribs: Roger Daltrey shows off his new hotplate while guiding MTV cameras around his studio apartment.

HBO:Friday 10:00pm -Deadwood: Cowboys said "fuck" a lot more than you thought.

FX: Saturday 10:00pm - The Shield: Holy shit, did he just say "shit?"

The Discovery Channel:Wednesday 9:00pm -We’re Just Guessing at this Point: Desperate producers make up scientific-sounding dramatizations to go with cool computer animations. Narrated by Billy Dee Williams.

A&E:Sunday 8:00pm -Airline: Now we can enjoy the frustrating purgatory atmosphere of air travel without leaving our ass-eroded couches.