THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP.

A TALE OF THE LATE BUGABOO AND KICKAPOO CAMPAIGN.

———

BY EDGAR A. POE.

———

I CANNOT just now remember when or where I first made the acquaintance of that truly
fine-looking fellow, Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. Some one did introduce me to the gentleman, I am sure —
at some public meeting, I know very well — held about something of great importance, no doubt — and at some place or other,
of this I feel convinced — whose name I have unaccountably forgotten. The truth is — that the introduction was attended,
upon my part, with a degree of anxious and tremulous embarrassment which operated to prevent any definite impressions of either time or
place. I am constitutionally nervous — this, with me, is a family failing, and I can’t help it. In especial, the slightest
appearance of mystery — of any point I cannot exactly comprehend — puts me at once into a pitiable state of agitation.

There was something, as it were, remarkable — yes, remarkable, although this is but a feeble term to
express my full meaning — about the entire individuality of the personage in question. What this something was, however, I found
it impossible to say. He was, perhaps, six feet in height, and of a presence singularly commanding. There was an air
distingué pervading the whole man, which spoke of high breeding, and hinted at high birth. Upon this topic — the
topic of Smith’s personal appearance — I have a kind of melancholy satisfaction in being minute. His head of hair would have
done honor to a Brutus — nothing could be more richly flowing, or possess a brighter gloss. It was of a jetty black — which
was also the color, or more properly the no color, of his unimaginable whiskers. You perceive I cannot speak of these latter without
enthusiasm; it is not too much to say that they were the handsomest pair of whiskers under the sun. At all events, they encircled, and
at times partially overshadowed, a mouth utterly unequalled. Here were the most entirely even, and the most brilliantly white of all
conceivable teeth. From between them, upon every proper occasion, issued a voice of surpassing clearness, melody, and strength. In the
matter of eyes, my acquaintance was, also, preeminently endowed. Either one of such a pair was worth a couple of the ordinary ocular
organs. They were of a deep hazel, exceedingly large and lustrous: and there was perceptible about them, ever and anon, just that amount
of interesting obliquity which gives force to the pregnant observation of Francis Bacon — that “there is no exquisite beauty
existing in the world without a certain degree of strangeness in the expression.”

The bust of the General was unquestionably the finest bust I ever saw. For your life you could not have found a fault
with its wonderful proportion. This rare peculiarity set off to great advantage a pair of shoulders which would have called up a blush
of conscious inferiority into the countenance of the marble Apollo. I have a passion for fine shoulders, and may say that I never beheld
them in perfection before. His arms altogether were admirably modelled, and the fact of his wearing the right in a sling, gave a greater
decision of beauty to the left. Nor were the lower limbs less marvellously superb. These were, indeed, the ne plus ultra of good
legs. Every connoisseur in such matters admitted the legs to be good. There was neither too much flesh, nor too little — neither
rudeness nor fragility. I could not imagine a more graceful curve than that of the os femoris, and there was just that due gentle
prominence in the rear of the fibula which goes to the conformation of a properly proportioned calf. I wish to God, my young and
talented friend Chiponchipino, the sculptor, had but seen the legs of Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith.

But although men so absolutely fine-looking are neither as plenty as reasons or blackberries, still I could not bring
myself to believe that the remarkable something to which I alluded just now — that the odd air of Je ne sais quoi
which hung about my new acquaintance — lay altogether, or indeed at all, in the supreme excellence of his bodily endowments.
Perhaps it might be traced to the manner — yet here again I could not pretend to be positive. There was a primness,
not to say stiffness, in his carriage — a degree of measured, and, if I may so express it, of rectangular precision, attending his
every movement, which, observed in a more petite figure, would have had the least little savor in the world of affectation,
pomposity, or constraint, but which, noticed in a gentleman of his [page 67:]
undoubted dimension, was readily placed to the account of reserve, of hauteur, of a commendable sense, in short, of what is due to the
dignity of colossal proportion.

The kind friend who presented me to General Smith whispered in my ear, at the instant, some few words of comment upon
the man. He was a remarkable man — a very remarkable man — indeed one of the most remarkable men of the
age. He was an especial favorite, too, with the ladies — chiefly on account of his high reputation for courage.

“In that point he is unrivalled — indeed he is a perfect desperado — a downright fire-eater,
and no mistake,” said my friend, here dropping his voice excessively low, and thrilling me with the mystery of his tone.

“A downright fire-eater, and no mistake — showed that, I should say, to some purpose, in the
late tremendous swamp-fight away down south, with the Bugaboo and Kickapoo Indians. (Here my friend placed his forefinger to the side of
his nose, and opened his eyes to some extent.) Bless my soul! — blood and thunder, and all that! — prodigies of
valor! — heard of him, of course? — you know he’s the man” ——

“Man alive, how do you do? why how are ye? very glad to see ye, indeed!” here
interrupted the General himself, seizing my companion by the hand as he drew near, and bowing stiffly, but profoundly, as I was
presented. I then thought, (and I think so still,) that I never heard a clearer nor a stronger voice, nor beheld a finer set of teeth
— but I must say that I was sorry for the interruption just at that moment, as, owing to the whispers and
insinuations aforesaid, my interest had been greatly excited in the hero of the Bugaboo and Kickapoo campaign.

However, the delightfully luminous conversation of Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith soon completely
dissipated this chagrin. My friend leaving us immediately, we had quite a long tête à tête, and I was not only
pleased but really instructed. I never heard a more fluent talker, or a man of greater general information. With becoming
modesty, he forbore, nevertheless, to touch upon the theme I had just then most at heart — I mean the mysterious circumstances
attending the Bugaboo war — and, on my own part, what I conceive to be a proper sense of delicacy forbade me to broach the
subject, although, in truth, I was exceedingly tempted to do so. I perceived, too, that the gallant soldier preferred topics of
philosophical interest, and that he delighted, especially, in commenting upon the rapid march of mechanical invention. Indeed —
lead him where I would — this was a point to which he invariably came back.

“There is nothing at all like it,” he would say; “we are a wonderful people, and live in a wonderful
age. Parachutes and rail-roads — man-traps and spring-guns! Our steam-boats are upon every sea, and the Nassau balloon packet is
about to run regular trips (fare either way only twenty pounds sterling) between London and Timbuctoo. And who shall calculate the
immense influence upon social life — upon arts — upon commerce — upon literature — which will be the immediate
result of the application of the great principles of electro-magnetics? Nor is this all, let me assure you! There is really no end to
the march of invention. The most wonderful — the most ingenious — and let me add, Mr. — Mr. — Thompson, I
believe is your name — let me add, I say, the most useful — the most truly useful mechanical contrivances, are
daily springing up like mushrooms, if I may so express myself, or, more figuratively, like — grasshoppers — like
grasshoppers, Mr. Thompson — about us and — ah — ah — around us!”

Thompson, to be sure, is not my name; but it is needless to say that I left General Smith with a heightened interest in
the man, with an exalted opinion of his conversational powers, and a deep sense of the valuable privileges we enjoy in living in this
age of mechanical invention. My curiosity, however, had not been altogether satisfied, and I resolved to prosecute immediate inquiry
among my acquaintances touching the Brevet Brigadier General himself, and particularly respecting the tremendous events in which he
performed so conspicuous a part — quorum pars magna fuit — during the Bugaboo and Kickapoo campaign.

The first opportunity which presented itself, and which (horresco referens) I did not in the least scruple to
seize, occurred at the church of the Reverend Doctor Drummummupp, where I found myself established, one Sunday, just at sermon time, not
only in the pew, but by the side, of that worthy and communicative little friend of mine, Miss Tabitha T. Thus seated, I congratulated
myself, and with much reason, upon the very flattering state of affairs. If any person knew any thing about Brevet Brigadier General
John A. B. C. Smith, that person, it was clear to me, was Miss Tabitha T. We telegraphed a few signals, and then commenced, sotto
voce, a brisk tête à tête.

“Smith!” said she, in reply to my very earnest inquiry; “Smith! — why not General John A. B.
C.! Bless me, I thought you knew all about him! This is a wonderfully inventive age! Horrid affair that! — a bloody
set of wretches, those Kickapoos! — fought like a hero — prodigies of valor — immortal renown. Smith! — Brevet
Brigadier General John A. B. C.! — why, you know he’s the man” ——

“Man,” here broke in Doctor Drummummupp, at the top of his voice, and with a thump that came near knocking
down the pulpit about our ears; “man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live — he cometh up and is cut down
like a flower!” I started to the extremity of the pew, and perceived by the animated looks of the divine, that the wrath which had
proved so nearly fatal to the pulpit had been excited by the whispers of the lady and myself. There was no help for it — [page 68:] so I submitted with a good grace, and listened, in all the martyrdom of a
dignified silence, to the balance of that very capital discourse.

Next evening found me a somewhat late visiter at the Rantipole theatre, where I felt sure of satisfying my curiosity at
once, by merely stepping into the box of those exquisite specimens of affability and omniscience, the Misses Arabella and Miranda
Cognoscenti. That fine tragedian, Climax, however, was doing Iago to a very crowded house, and I experienced some little difficulty in
making my wishes understood; especially, as our box was next to the slips, and completely overlooked the stage.

“Smith?” said Miss Arabella, as she at length comprehended the purport of my query; “Smith? —
why, not General John A. B. C.?”

“Or a more delicate sense of the true beauties of Shakspeare? Be so good as to look at that leg!”

“The devil!” and I turned again to her sister.

“Smith?” said she, “why, not General John A. B. C.? Horrid affair that, was’nt it? —
great wretches, those Bugaboos — savage and so on — but we live in a wonderfully inventive age! — Smith! — O
yes! great man! — perfect desperado — immortal renown — prodigies of valor! Never heard!! (This was given in a
scream.) Bless my soul! — why he’s the man” ——

—— “mandragora,

Nor all the drowsy syrups of the world,

Shall ever medicine thee to that sweet sleep

Which thou owd’st yesterday!”

here roared out Climax just in my ear, and shaking his fist in my face all the time, in a way that I couldn’t stand, and
I wouldn’t. I left the Misses Cognoscenti immediately, and went behind the scenes for the purpose of giving the scoundrel a
sound thrashing.

At the soirée of the lovely widow [[,]] Mrs. Kathleen O’Trump, I was very confident that I should
meet with no similar disappointment. Accordingly, I was no sooner seated at the card table, with my pretty hostess for a partner, than I
propounded those questions whose solution had become a matter so essential to my peace.

“Smith?” said my partner, “why, not General John A. B. C.? Horrid affair that, wasn’t it?
— diamonds, did you say? — terrible wretches, those Kickapoos! — we are playing whist, if you please, Mr.
Tattle — however, this is the age of invention, most certainly — the age, one may say — the age par
excellence — speak French? — oh quite a hero — perfect desperado! — no hearts, Mr. Tattle! —
I don’t believe it — immortal renown and all that — prodigies of valor! Never heard!! — why, bless me,
he’s the man” ——

“Mann? — Captain Mann?” here screamed some little feminine interloper from the farthest corner
of the room. “Are you talking about Captain Mann and the duel? — oh, I must hear — do tell — go on, Mrs.
O’Trump! — do now go on!” And go on Mrs. O’Trump did — all about a certain Captain Mann who was either
shot or hung, or should have been both shot and hung. Yes! Mrs. O’Trump, she went on, and I — I went off. There was no
chance of hearing any thing farther that evening in regard to Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith.

Still, I consoled myself with the reflection that the tide of ill luck would not run against me for ever, and so
determined to make a bold push for information at the rout of that bewitching little angel, the graceful Mrs. Pirouette.

“Smith?” said Mrs. P., as we twirled about together in a pas de Zephyr, “Smith? — why
[[,]] not General John A. B. C.? Dreadful business that of the Bugaboos, wasn’t it? — terrible creatures, those Indians!
— do turn out your toes, I really am ashamed of you — man of great courage, poor fellow — but this is a
wonderful age for invention — O dear me, I’m out of breath — quite a desperado — prodigies of valor —
never heard!! — can’t believe it — I shall have to sit down and tell you — Smith! why he’s the
man” ——

“Man-fred, I tell you!” here bawled out Miss Bas-Bleu, as I led Mrs. Pirouette to a seat. “Did
ever any body hear the like? It’s Man-fred, I say, and not at all by any means Man-Friday.” Here Miss Bas-Bleu
beckoned to me in a very peremptory manner; and I was obliged, will I nill I, to leave Mrs. P. for the purpose of deciding a dispute
touching the title of a certain poetical drama of Lord Byron’s. Although I pronounced, with great promptness, that the true title
was Man-Friday, and not by any means Man-fred, yet when I returned to seek for Mrs. Pirouette she was not to be
discovered, and I made my retreat from the house in a very bitter spirit of animosity against the whole race of the Bas-Bleus. [page 69:]

Matters had now assumed a really serious aspect, and I resolved to call at once upon my particular friend, Mr. Theodore
Sinivate — for I knew that here at least I should get something like definite information.

“Smith?” said he, in his well known peculiar way of drawling out his syllables; “Smith? — why
[[,]] not General John A — B — C.? Savage affair that with the Kickapo-o-o-o-os, was’nt it? Say! don’t you think
so? — perfect despera-a-ado — great pity, ‘pon my honor! — wonderfully inventive age! — pro-o-odigies of
valor! By the by, did you ever hear about Captain Mann?”

“Captain Mann be d——d!” said I, “please to go on with your story.”

“Hem! — oh well! — toute la même cho-o-ose, as we say in France. Smith, eh? Brigadier
General John A — B — C.? I say — (here Mr. S. thought proper to put his finger to the side of his nose) — I say,
you don’t mean to insinuate now, really, and truly, and conscientiously, that you don’t know all about that affair of
Smith’s as well as I do, eh? Smith? John A — B — C.? Why, bless me, he’s the ma-a-an” ——

“Mr. Sinivate,” said I, imploringly, “is he the man in the mask?”

“No-o-o!” said he, looking wise, “nor the man in the mo-o-o-on.”

This reply I considered a pointed and positive insult, and I left the house at once in high dudgeon, with a firm
resolve to call my friend, Mr. Sinivate, to a speedy account for his ungentlemanly conduct and ill breeding.

In the meantime, however, I had no notion of being thwarted touching the information I desired. There was one resource
left me yet. I would go to the fountain head. I would call forthwith upon the General himself, and demand, in explicit terms, a solution
of this abominable piece of mystery. Here at least there should be no chance for equivocation. I would be plain, positive, peremptory
— as short as pie-crust — as concise as Tacitus or Montesquieu.

It was early when I called, and the General was dressing; but I pleaded urgent business, and was shown at once into his
bed-room by an old negro valet, who remained in attendance during my visit. As I entered the chamber, I looked about, of course, for the
occupant, but did not immediately perceive him. There was a large and exceedingly odd-looking bundle of something which lay close by my
feet, on the floor, and, as I was not in the best humor in the world, I gave it a kick out of the way.

“Hem! ahem! rather civil that, I should say!” said the bundle, in one of the smallest, the weakest, and
altogether the funniest little voices, between a squeak and a whistle, that ever I heard in all the days of my existence.

“Ahem! rather civil that, I should observe!” — I fairly shouted with terror, and made off at a
tangent, into the farthest extremity of the room.

“God bless me, my dear fellow,” here again whistled the bundle, “what — what — what
— why [[,]] what is the matter? I really believe you don’t know me at all.”

“No — no — no! “ said I, getting as close to the wall as possible, and holding up both
hands in the way of expostulation; “don’t know you — know you — know you — don’t know you at
all! Where’s your master?” here I gave an impatient squint towards the negro, still keeping a tight eye upon the
bundle.

“He! he! he! he-aw! he-aw!” cachinnated that delectable specimen of the human family, with his mouth fairly
extended from ear to ear, and with his forefinger held up close to his face, and levelled at the object of my apprehension, as if he was
taking aim at it with a pistol.

What could I say to all this — what could I?” [[sic]] I staggered into an arm-chair,
and, with staring eyes and open mouth, awaited the solution of the wonder.

“Strange you shouldn’t know me though, isn’t it?” presently re-squeaked the bundle, which I now
perceived was performing, upon the floor, some inexplicable evolution, very analogous to the drawing on of a stocking. There was only a
single leg, however, apparent.

“Strange you shouldn’t know me, though, isn’t it? Pompey, bring me that leg!” Here Pompey
handed the bundle a very capital cork leg, all ready dressed, which it screwed on in a trice, and then it stood upright before my eyes.
Devil the word could I say.

“And a bloody action it was,” continued the thing, as if in a soliloquy; “but then one
musn’t fight with the Bugaboos and Kickapoos, and think of coming off with a mere scratch. Pompey, I’ll thank you now for
that arm. Thomas (turning to me) is decidedly the best hand at a cork leg; he lives in Race street, No. 79 — stop, I’ll give
you his card; but if you should ever want an arm, my dear fellow, you must really let me recommend you to Bishop.” Here Pompey
screwed on an arm.

“We had rather hot work of it, that you may say. Now, you dog, slip on my shoulders and bosom — Pettitt
makes the best shoulders, but for a bosom you will have to go to Ducrow.”

“Bosom!” said I.

“Pompey, will you never be ready with that wig? Scalping is a rough process after all; but then you can
procure such a capital scratch at De L’Orme’s.”

“Scratch!”

“Now, you nigger, my teeth! For a good set of these you had better go to Parmly’s at once; [page 70:] high prices, but excellent work. I swallowed some very capital articles,
though, when the big Bugaboo rammed me down with the butt end of his rifle.”

“Butt end! — ram down! — my eye!”

“O yes, by the by, my eye — here, Pompey, you scamp, screw it in! Those Kickapoos are not so very slow at a
gouge — but he’s a belied man, that Dr. Williams, after all; you can’t imagine how well I see with the eyes of his
make.”

I now began very clearly to perceive that the object before me was nothing more or less than my new acquaintance,
Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. The manipulations of Pompey had made, I must confess, a very striking difference in the
appearance of the personal man. The voice, however, still puzzled me no little; but even this apparent mystery was speedily cleared up.

“Pompey, you black rascal,” squeaked the General, “I really do believe you would let me go out
without my palate.”

Hereupon the negro, grumbling out an apology, went up to his master, opened his mouth with the knowing air of a horse
jockey, and adjusted therein a somewhat singular looking machine, in a very dexterous manner, that I could not altogether comprehend.
The alteration, however, in the whole expression of the countenance of the General was instantaneous and surprising. When he again
spoke, his voice had resumed the whole of that rich melody and strength which I had noticed upon our original introduction.

“D—n the vagabonds!” said he, in so clear a tone that I positively started at the change,
“d—n the vagabonds! they not only knocked in the roof of my mouth, but took the trouble to cut off at least seven-eighths of
my tongue. There isn’t Bonfanti’s equal, however, in America, for really good articles of this description. I can recommend
you to him with confidence, (here the General bowed,) and assure you that I have the greatest pleasure in so doing.”

I acknowledged this kindness in my best manner, and now took leave of my friend at once, with a perfect understanding
of the state of affairs — with a full comprehension of the mystery which had troubled me so long. It was evident. It was a clear
case. Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith was the man —— was

THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

Notes:

None.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

[S:1 - BGM, 1839] - Edgar Allan Poe Society of Baltimore - Works - Tales - The Man that was Used Up [Text-02]