Sunday, March 29, 2009

1. I don't have a t.v .2. It's the only way that I can stay in touch with family and friends (well this is true but I hardly talk to them. lol)3. I'm bored.4. I'm just checking my University email.5. Every one should use the Internet once a day. From 12-12.

All these are stupid. lol. I mean, I know I am not the only person that makes these kinds of excuses. But it's like, most of the time I am on the Internet, I am on websites arguing with people or just stating my opinions on things. It takes a lot of energy out of me. And I think it probably takes a lot of energy out of other people as well. But I love debate. I suppose my life surrounds around it. But it used to surround around education first and debate second. Now it is the other way around. And I don't mean just school. I also mean that I seem to have not continued to read up on the things that matter. Quite frankly, I haven't been on the top of my game. Oh and by the way, I consider this productive because I am blogging. But I really believe that I need to do things that are more productive through the day. I need to write letters and read books and write in my journal oh and do homework. Yea...that should probably be done. I always complain about how I never have time to read but I don't even use my procrastination time to read novels. What in the heck is that? I think the Internet is making me dumb...and probably a whole lot of other people. They have so much research on television and its effects (or affects. On no! see!) but do they have anything on the Internet. Probably.

Anyways. I guess this is part procrastination too. I have to wash clothes and clean my room and open a window cause it's stuffy in here. I also have to read Beloved for my American Literature class. Speaking of. I really wanted to write a blog on white privilege in the classroom. Especially while studying abroad. Maybe I will come back later to do so.

I have been struggling with my opinions about transgenderism for some time now. I have been keeping them to myself. Not that I know everything but I know the basics. And fortunately, just because I don't know every freakin thing doesn't prohibit me from having a vocal opinion. But I am always open to more knowledge on any subject. I think it's when people are certain on the issues of people, that they get themselves in trouble. Anyways, I think the last time I said anything about it, it was at a blog in which I angered people because I said that gender is a total construct. Which it is. Sex is biological and gender is not. But what I was getting at is that I have a hard time understanding a biological change for a social construct. And that is how I feel in the most simple terms. But I always thought of it in the way of, someone changing their genitals in order for them to identify with a different gender. And that is so not what its about. Maybe I didn't share that because somewhere inside I knew that opinion needed tweaking.

As a feminist, I aim for a genderless society. And a genderless society is a society in which gender is not strictly enforced upon each indivual. Some people call it a gender blind society. I remember talking to my friends about this and them going all batshit because they thought I was saying no one should be masculine or feminine. That's not a genderless society. A genderless society is a society in which gender norms are not strictly enforced. And people would, of course identify as whatever they wanted without being judged. So I always wondered where transgendered people would fit in a genderless society and if transgenderism would still exist. So, today, I was researching it online. Of course I am not the first person to ask this question. I came across this wonderful livejournal post in which I can't find anymore....oops. But it was someone that was transgender talking about this and saying that it wasn't about their gender so much but about their genitals. They said they didn't identify with their genitals. I always thought of transgender people saying, "My gender doesn't match my genitals." And some have, but that's not the point. And also, every transgendered persons story doesn't look the same. It's just that when I thought transgendered, I thought gender and not genitals. But I am making more sense of this. This aha moment came a little too late. And I still need to do more researching.

Oh and another thing. Why is it that people think you have to agree with something in order to support it. Or I should say agree with an ideology. If I said that I didn't think that transgenderism existed, that doesn't mean I don't support the community. Just because I am thinking things out in my head, trying to do some research on my own, and develop my own opinion, does NOT mean that I have to in some way think that people do not have rights over their bodies and do not have the right to claim their own identity. That's bullshit. But don't misunderstand me. Everyone wants to feel understood and accepted and also wants to be treated like a human being; and that's exactly why I have shown 100% support to the transgendered community and I make sure I fight against any transphobia that I come across. But it pisses me off when people think that you have to totally agree with something to support it. It's the understanding of other human beings needs that's important, not my beliefs. If I said...well...I dont know...I haven't thought transgenderism through so I just can't support it..that's another story. People should learn how to separate themselves when it's concerning the lives of other people. It's simple. People come before my ideology or religion or whatever. Of course, if whatever they need/want doesnt harm another living being. Everyone deserves the same rights in society. Period. But people have such a hard time recognizing and respecting that. I know the society in which I am speaking of. I know that this probably sounds niave. People just don't seem to be able to seperate their own bullshit needs (to be right I suppose. To have an other. To not be an other. etc) from the needs of others. And I also recognize that people have a hard time not believing in or agreeing with something without othering it. What is so damn hard?

Friday, March 20, 2009

I haven't been here in a while. This blog may not have been the best idea in the world. The busier I get, the furthest thing from my mind is this blog. But I have come here for you.

I cannot seem to get myself together enough to write this paper on represenation of gender in American Beauty. I think its because I am so scared that I have to use film terms and I know good and well that I am not a film major. This is a second year film class. What in the hell was I thinking? And then I have another paper due on Thursday and a book to read by wednesday. I just feel a little swamped but also like I don't know what I am doing. I emailed the professor today and asked some questions but she didn't get back to me. I know what your thinking...come on. Gender represenation in American Beauty. Get it together. But I don't know if I should only use film sources or just feminist theory sources. I am supposed to use three but how much do I reference to the movie. How do I cite things said in a movie. OMG. I need a film major to help me.

And procrastination is easy. Let me just tell you. I have watched 3 entire seasons (I only missed ONE episode) of How I Met Your Mother. Yea...Yea...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Aghhh. European schools are very different from American Universities. Or I should say, the University of Wolverhampton is really different from the University of Akron. At home, you have a syllabus which tells you all the things you need to get done and when you should have them done and what chapters to read and such. And more than that you have a clear concise explanation about what you need to do for papers. Here, you have a module guide. And there are only 2 assessments. One exam and One Essay (I think this is pretty general, but I am sure that some classes are different). So to tell the truth...I don't know what to do with myself. There's no attendance policy. And I don't have to turn things in to the professor. But most importantly, so much of the work that is due is vague. Like, I have to write a paper on gender representation in American Beauty, using 3 close textual analysis's. Um...now you know the same exact information about it that I do! lol. I swear. At Akron I would get much more than that. And then I have to write an essay in American Literature. And the questions are up on the Internet guide thingy. And they are just plain. I mean. I don't know. I think they expect their students to know what to do and do it. Poor lil ole American me needs a full explanation of what the hell I need to do. I will do it. And I am sure I will do okay, but I just don't know what to do with my time. At U of Akron people are always asking...How many references do I need, how many pages, what font, blah blah. That usually gets on my nerves t. But no one asks that here and I want to! Ack.

I have free time on my hands...But not really. Cause I should be studying and figuring out what I want to say. I think graduate school is a lot like this. It is my responsibility to structure my time and make sure I get my assignments done. Not any one elses. And no one is going to tell me what needs to be done. I should know what is expected of me. And its so funny, cause I have no problem with content. I understand everything, its actually easy going and easy to comprehend. Its the assignments that have me worried because I don't know what to do and when to start! But I will get the hang of this...wait, no I wont. lol. Another thing is that your given so many chances at my school. If you do poor on your test, theirs always the quizzes, if you don't do well on those, you have your attendance points, if those suck then you have extra credit. Nope, just TWO assessments and no attendance policy. So you fuck up once, you got one more time. But even then you still probably won't do well in the class. Fuck up twice...uhhh. Yea. And my one professor told the class only 2 of us would get A's and the rest should aim for good B's.....I was like...so are you saying you think we'll give you crap work and this is what is going to happen? Or are you saying that you only give out 2 A's. Shit.

I think that the biggest thing that makes European college different is money. Seriously. In America, all the students that are really there to learn aim for A's and they pay lots of money for college. And many people have scholarships that depend upon their grades which is important. And because college is so expensive in America, you tend to not want to bullshit...that is if your paying for I guess. But here, people are a little more relaxed about college. And people do well here. I do like the atmosphere, its so much more laid back.

Actually, I had a workshop about being an international student and someone asked what should we call our professors. And the workshop person said that we should call our professors by their first name because calling them by their last name is a little formal and most don't like to be called Dr. Whatever. But overall to make sure to ask if we're not sure. I was so surprised by this! And someone else was as well. And the workshop person just said that making students call you Dr. or by your last name tends to be a power thing more than anything else and a lot of professors are laid back.

And hes right! All of my professors are called by their first name. And nothing else is expected. They all have doctorates. I wish the hell I would walk into some of the professors that I have had at Akron and say...Hello Bob. A lot of professors do like to be called by their first name or just professor but many aren't having it! And you call them Professor and let them tell you if they want to be called anything else. Whereas here, its expected that you call them by their first name and they will state if they want you to call them something else. Now, I am sure over at Oxford its not the same. Ha.

I think America is all about power and I think that Colleges and Universities are big power structures. I don't even know why I put think instead of know. Because I think that's common knowledge. But even I feel weird calling all my professors by their first name. I just think...you spent all that time getting a doctorate, the least I can do is call you Dr.

But I will tell you one thing. Students tend to not challenge professors here. I asked about, because as you remember in one of my earlier posts, I said I didn't agree with my professor and the room got quiet quick! Well, a friend of mine from here said no, they tend to not question professors. At least not....um...how can I say this...well shit, not like I do. lol. I feel like if I am not questioning professors, what am I doing in the class room? I don't ignorantly challenge professors, but what they say isn't gold. They can be wrong and I would like some clarification if I think they are. That Doctorate isn't fool proof playa! My professor in Representation in Cinema said this "Men are feminized by being raped and beaten." I don't even have to put that fucking sentence in context. I so badly wanted to raise my hand and start questioning her definition of femininity. I wanted to ask her a lot of things actually. This is the same professor that keeps talking about emasculation like its the saddest "practice" in society. Ugh. But I kept it to myself. Kept it to myself. I just believe that their should always be respect in the classroom but their should always be an atmosphere that welcomes discussion and sometimes debate.

I will get the hang of things here. Promise. Ill go now since this post is just super long. :o)