Sex Ed - Heaven

By Moe Lane

"I'll spare all of you the lecture on the...
mechanics of it."

Marc joined in on the general chuckle. The class of
angels studying for their first tour of Earth duty was
finally starting to relax from their unexpected
teacher: granted, fairly solid rumor intimated that
the Archangel of Trade was known to speak at these
sessions, but it was still surprising to see. Not to
mention nerve-wracking, at least at first: however,
Mercurian charm was beginning to win out over mild
awe.

The Archangel of Trade leaned back against what, for
lack of a better word, could be called a podium.
"Yes. The mechanics of human sexuality were no doubt
explained to you - in very great detail - by the team
of biologists, chemists, psychologists and physicists
retained by Lightning for just this purpose. Be
grateful: Jean used to teach the classes himself."
Another quietly-muffled mass chuckle: even the
Dominicans in training smiled. "It is useful
knowledge, though: never forget that. Among other
things, it might serve as some intellectual comfort
when one of the people that you're trying to help does
things for no apparent reason.

"However, what I'm here for today is to try to explain
to you why it's necessary to saddle all of you with a
simulation of such an odd set of processes. Like
everything else we do, the justification is part
science, part art, part sheer practicality and a large
helping of improvisation. And, also like everything
we do, doing it right the first time will save lives -
including, incidentally, your own."

Marc narrowed his eyes. "Yes... Hodniel, Elohite
Servitor of Dreams. You had a question." The Elohite
blinked: it had not actually indicated yet that it
wanted to ask a question. Still, it stood up.

"Yes, Lord Marc." The Archangel of Trade raised an
eyebrow: Hodniel went blank for a moment and nodded.

"Judging from past events, it would seem only logical
to avoid possible complications when performing one's
duties. While sexuality is a natural part of human
reproductive behavior, it is not natural for
celestials. I grant that specialists would require a
working simulation for specific tasks, but why provide
it as a default for all Servitors serving on the
corporeal plane?"

Marc nodded. "That question is always asked, and it's
important that it be always answered. There are
several reasons, actually.

"The first is pragmatic. When on Earth, most of you
will find it necessary to blend in with your fellow
humans for long lengths of time. This will include
those of you without formal Roles, incidentally.
After the example of the Grigori..."

"Get used to hearing that name on Earth: demons are in
the habit of saying it, the better to sniff out angels
on their first tour of duty. As I was saying, after
the Watchers' example, the Seraphim Council seriously
considered mandating that all vessels were to be
created without sex organs from then on. The notion
didn't ever take effect: it would have made it too
easy to detect angels. It would have also completely
warped corporeal medical research, but that's another
issue. The less anomalies our presence causes, the
better.

"Now, I know what the next question is: 'But why make
those organs functional?' Again, there was a
practical reason: very few Roles require vows of
celibacy. Fornication is a fact of life down there,
and indeed is one of the most popular hobbies in most
human cultures. We have to blend in.

"However, it's not just practical: there are emotional
reasons, as well. I'm going to ask all of you to do
me a favor and take on your Approximations of human
form now. You Kyriotates, feel free to doze off at
this point: you'll be getting this lesson when you do
your first Dominations. We'll wake you up when things
become relevant for you again."

Needless to say, no Kyriotate 'dozed off', but they
did add to the amusement as the assembled angels took
on as much of the form of their primary vessels as is
possible on the celestial plane. As they did so, the
local area shifted to become more accommodating to
humanoids. When the class was finished, Marc nodded:
he had himself shifted to resemble a human male in his
late thirties.

"Right. Now, the signals that you're getting from
these vessel-Approximations are currently not as
complex as the ones that would come from a regular
vessel on the corporeal plane. They certainly aren't
as complex as the ones that would come from an actual
corporeal body! The fact that some of you are finding
the experience disconcerting is merely from lack of
practice in interpretation. That will fade ... but
not completely.

"And that's a good thing, because now we go from
science and practicality to art and improvisation."
Marc sat down and paused for a moment. When he looked
up, his expression was serious.

"I've been giving this speech for five decades or so -
ever since the previous teacher went off to do ...
whatever it is that he's doing, in fact - and this
next part has always been the most important piece of
wisdom to impart. Like all great pieces of wisdom,
it's pithy, short and hideously easy to misinterpret.
Ready to hear it?" The class nodded, not quite in
unison. Marc smiled, slightly crookedly.

"You asked for it, and here it goes: Humans are
weaker than celestials."

The room went absolutely silent: this was worse than
speaking the name of the Watchers. Marc waited for a
moment, to let the silence go from looming to actively
towering, then continued.

"Relax: I haven't suddenly sprouted batwings. It's
considered... uncouth... to say it, but the fact
remains that humans are, on the average, physically
weaker, slower, and sicklier than celestials. The
arguments about whether they're less intelligent have
been going on forever, and mostly depend on what
yardstick you use to define intelligence. Certainly
they pick up corporeal survival traits faster than we
do, and trying to decipher their various cultures
takes up thousands of celestial analysts. I should
know: most of the angelic ones work for me. Note,
too, that I used the words 'weaker than', not
'inferior to'. There's something ... ineffable about
human souls. They have something that we lack, and
we've never been able to reproduce it. The closest
approximation turned out ... badly.

"However, it's still a Truth that it's easier to hurt,
wound or kill a mortal than it is to do the same to an
angel. That is the fact that we cannot ever, ever
forget, lest we cause an unintended injury. Not
understanding humans can have fatal consequences.

"I see the Kyriotates and those of my own Choir
nodding. Good: I'm glad to see that the instructors
are still making sure to pound that fact into your
collective heads. You may have the most immediate
concerns in this issue - but the rest of you are
hardly immune to the problem. Failure to tread
lightly around humanity is one of the primary causes
of Falling." Every Virtue in the room suddenly
straightened, each certain that Marc was looking them
in the eyes (a perfectly accurate feeling, actually).
"And don't think that not being in danger of Falling
will protect you from inflicting unneeded pain, or
suffering it yourself. To use a human phrase, we're
playing with live ammo down there.

"And this is why we incorporate sexuality into
vessels. We don't dare give them the same drives and
needs as corporeal bodies, but too many human
activities make no sense without sexuality to give
them a frame of reference. Having these urges will, I
guarantee you, cause you to feel a peculiar sort of
pain at some point in your careers. This is a good
thing: it will allow you to properly emphasize with
your charges."

The Archangel of Trade smiled. "And, of course, it's
a pleasurable experience when everything works right.
Now, I'm not going to actually suggest that some of
you listen to gossip and rumor" - a pause for the
chuckle - "but I should tell those reprobates among
you that both major rumors on the subject are wrong.
Corporeal sex is neither the most ecstatic experience
available anywhere nor a pale shadow to the closest
equivalent on the celestial plane. Like all corporeal
activities, it cannot really be compared at all to
what goes on in Heaven. I make no comments about
Hell, of course, but they're a bit degraded over there
anyway.

"And that leads me to my last point." The class
became silent again, only now with less worry and more
anger. "Yes. Demons and sexuality. It's one of
their favorite weapons, of course: they appreciate the
influence it has over humanity quite as much as we do,
albeit for completely different reasons. Where we use
it to heal or to bring people closer together, they
use it to destroy and alienate. This, of course,
allows them to prop up their delusion that humanity is
not worth the cost of fighting the War, and none of
them - none of them - can be trusted not to pile up
human bodies in their vain quest to justify their
Rebellion. If any of you encounter a demon using
sexuality as a tool - no matter how innocent it seems
- it is your duty to stamp down on the practice, hard.
This transcends Choir. This transcends Words.
Humanity has enough problems as it is.

"One thing more - well, more like a codicil to the
last point. You might encounter a demon that wishes
to indulge him, her or itself sexually with you. This
may not necessarily seem like an active or passive
problem: in fact, sometimes this desire will, indeed,
be symptomatic of a desire to Redeem. Don't take the
risk. Remember: there is a Prince that automatically
promotes his servants if they manage to perform a
consensual sexual act with an angel. Obviously, he
thinks that such activities serve the cause of Hell.

"This is possibly the only time that you can share a
Demon Prince's opinion on anything."