Comedown

Hasn’t been much to report since I got back. Though I was very glad to get home and see my mum and my friends again, it’s been very hard to get back into the daily routine. I’m not sure how long it’s supposed to take to get over jetlag, but I have a feeling the two coughing German lads sitting beside me on the plane may have given me a cold, because I’ve definitely felt under the weather since returning.

Work is…work. I experienced a sort of stressful anxiety on Monday, being propelled straight back into the melée, facing a full email inbox and a to-do list that my boss had drawn up for me. I don’t know why this rankled so; I know he was just clearing out the to-do lists in his own head, but I already was aware of all the things I had to do (they’re written up on my calendar, having been planned since the beginning of the year), so having them written down for me again made me feel as though I wasn’t in control of my own job. Or was being checked up on. Or something.

We had a training session that morning, though, which helped me calm down at bit. Mark talked us through goal-setting, and encouraged us to write up a ‘Spiritual Development Plan’ for the year (this will be nothing new to anyone doing MTS). This helped me to think about things that I want to do, both personally and professionally, and to write clear, concrete, SMART goals* for myself.

And it’s no surprise to anyone who knows me and my sleepy ways, but I am starting to think that perhaps I need to start and finish work later. Maybe still get up at the same time, but have an extra hour where I can potter around and eat a leisurely breakfast and sit in the sun for ten minutes, rather than dragging myself out of bed and turning up to work miserable. And then maybe finish around 5.00 (like normal people). I don’t know how people at work would take that, but I have a feeling this might be easier to achieve in a couple of months when the offices downstairs are finished and Mark and I can move down there. I’ll be less bound by the routines of the rest of the office, and, hopefully, will be able to get my work done at my own pace.

Part of me fears that this won’t be the case, that even after a change of environment and trying to set up systems to help me cope with life a bit more, that I will still find everything immensely difficult and trying. It’s hard not to feel like a hypochondriac or like I’m on a perennial downer. I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think, but it does make me anxious.