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Daily Archives for May 6, 2012

I have said before that nice girls in anime suck, and I hate them. Case in point: Belldandy, aka the ultimate nice girl. If there was a nice girl tournament, she would almost undoubtedly win, and I would be forced to kill her on the spot (actually, I would do that now if I could). Belldandy is one girl I would take exception to when it came to not headbutting a girl in the uterus. But why? Until I watched a recent episode of Restaurant Impossible, I wasn’t quite sure myself.

Hi, I’m a goody fucking two shoes.

If you look at my Top Ten Worst Anime Characters Pretty Much Ever post (a real gem if I do say so myself), you can see that at first, I had forgotten to include Belldandy on the list, probably because watching Belldandy is similar to inducing oneself to serious psychological trauma. Luckily (or unluckily) I was able to recall her existence before the post was released, and threw her in as the actual number 8.

Some people agree with me and my correct conclusion that nice, polite characters should all burn in some firey place where the damned go after they die. Of course, to my knowledge, such a place doesn’t exist, so moving on.

Then there was that one chick who felt like I committed an egregious crime when I mentioned that Belldandy should go jump off a cliff into a pit of vomit inducing shit (I didn’t actually say that. Just one more regret I have in life).

At least I was able to teach a thing or two to one person, who even left me a comment that was totally nota snide remark at all.

Anyway, on to the nice girl characters, and why most* of them suck.

Back in the day when I wrote the aforementioned post, I already knew that I hated nice girls, but to be honest, I wasn’t exactly sure why. Here’s what I wrote about Belldandy, and why I hate nice girls:

Belldandy deserves a spot on this list, for most of the same reasons as Tohru (although she doesn’t let people walk all over her), in that she’s a polite fuck. “Hello, I’m Belldandy! Not only does my name remind you of a dandy bell, but I’m so nice it’s really just obnoxious!” My problem with nice characters is that they have one emotion: Nice. That’s all there is to their character. Boring.

In fact, that’s the reason why I dumped my last girlfriend (back when I could get a girlfriend). She agreed with everything I said and did. There’s no passion in that. Toward the end of our relationship, I did things to try and get a rise out of her, and see if she could display any emotion other than nice-ness (I do a LOT of social experiments, but nobody who knows me knows this. Pretty much anything I do has something to do with observing people and their behavior, habits, and actions…I could write a book, easy). In the end, I decided to break it off early (we were only going out for a month), before she became too attached to me (I didn’t want to hurt the poor girl). Of course, a month is more than enough time to fall in love with me, and she was naturally crushed when I broke the news that I no longer wanted to be with her. While she was crying in her dorm room, I left to go back to my dorm, and I was simply laughing my ass off because I was finally out of the relationship. Later that night I had sex with a random girl. It was decent.

In a nutshell, I found nice girls boring, one dimensional, and completely lacking in terms of interesting traits. While all of that is true, I still always felt like I wasn’t able to properly get into words how I really felt about these characters.

Until now.

I was watching Restaurant Impossible, aka one of the best shows ever, one of the owners of the restaurant was extremely nice. Now, normally, I’d hate these types of people, yet I found that I actually liked her as a person. But she was overly nice, and I hate those types. So why did I not hate her?

No.

I get it.

She was genuine.

I realized at that moment that the reason I hate Belldandy and all Belldandy characters is that they’re completely fake and incredibly forced. I will now make an incredibly awesome and relevant reference to The Matrix.

Agent Smith:

Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world, where none suffered, where everyone would be happy? It was a disaster. No one would accept the program, entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world, but I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through misery and suffering. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this, the peak of your civilization.

This explains my reasoning PERFECTLY (maybe too perfectly, you might not even accept it it’s so perfect).

Belldandy is designed to be perfect, and for that reason, I cannot accept her. She’s essentially a maid designed to serve and love her master at every moment. Meanwhile, the girl who I saw on Restaurant Impossible (after some digging, I discovered her name is Rose) did have similar qualities to Belldandy. Rose was:

Extremely nice

Always wore a smile

Extremely polite

Extremely gracious

Extremely thankful

A genuinely happy person despite the fact that her restaurant was a failing piece of shit.

The only two differences between Rose and Belldandy was that Rose was both attractive and genuine. It’s tough to explain genuine niceness too, so I’m not going to try (too hard).

After even more extensive digging, I found pictures of Rose:

Wow I’d make a great stalker. Oh, there was also this hot asian blogger person there too:

FACT: All Asian girls look hot with glasses on.

The guy on the left. That is all.

PS, after even more, even creepier digging, I’ve found out that the Asian girl’s name is Susan S. WOW I’m a creepy. I even created an account on Yelp for this (though I’ll honestly probably use that site a lot it’s awesome). Anyway, she likes bacon a lot, so her opinions are always correct. A shame that I still can’t find her on facebook, despite knowing her name and hometown…

What was I talking about? Rose. She’s got a genuine happiness. She doesn’t force anything. She takes things in stride.

God this post sucks. All I’ve pretty much done is show off my skills as a stalker. Let me try and get back on track…..can we get another picture of Belldandy or some other stupid character?

…

No, we can’t, and here’s why: I found a list of “characters similar to Belldandy” and Rebecca Fucking Reed was on the list are you fucking serious list!? Do NOT insult Becca like that!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!

Anyway, I’m not even going to talk about how the character of Belldandy objectifies women as slaves, because that will create a huge fucking debate that I want no part o-

THE CHARACTER OF BELLDANDY OBJECTIFIES WOMEN AS SLAVES

Wow….I did that.

She claims that she loves Keiichi, but that’s how she was made. Here’s a few other things that she loves:

Cooking

Cleaning

Serv-

Stop right there. If this is supposed to be the ideal women, then fuck me sideways. And how does someone like me care about Objectification of Women? Lest we forget the post about feminists and slapping women, and the whole “headbutting ovaries” thing at the top of this post?

Digress.

Regardless, Belldandy is completely unrealistic, and if this exact scenario happened to me in real life, I’d rather be hangin out with Urd. She’s got a dark past and a bitchy attitude, and for whatever reason, guys and girls alike seem to like assholes.

Why am I still single?

Bottomline: BELLDANDY SUCKS AND I STILL HATE HER.

*when I say “most” I of course mean that some don’t suck. Mainly the overly nice bullshit ones.

EXTRA SHIT

After reading some of my older material, I’ve discovered that I actually used to be pretty offensive and kind of a dick. So I ask you, to choose…asshole, dick, or pussy:

Extra Shit

This coming week, I’m going to be clearing out old drafts of posts (I’ve got 41 of them). Some of them are years old, so I’m just gonna throw em out there unaltererd for all to see. They should be totally shitty. Probably not the best idea to post a bunch of generic shitty posts right before voting in the Aniblog Tournament starts for me, but hey, I’m going to win anyway.