The Color Is ... PurpleWhat it represents: Purple evokes the energy of illusion, imagination and fantasy. Or should we say purrrrple? Purple tends to inspire foreplay, romance, flirtation and teasing -- it builds anticipation with playfulness. The downside of purple is unrealistic expectation. Is it easier to live in your fantasy world than the real world? Some purple-lovers prefer it.

Understanding people who love it: If you love purple you can be an imaginative romantic or prefer imaginary romance -- depending on how you feel.

Have you ever read a proverb and wondered how people ever looked at life so philosophically? For 22 years my life seemed so perfect and in the past 8 months it's become a land of chaos and fear. It's come to the point where I am just waiting for my life to begin. I'm ready to embark upon a career, a house that is my own, and a script that I can write. I guess going through college I never thought it would be a problem getting a job right after graudation. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. As it seems right now Michigan isn't going to have any teaching jobs available for a while. It's a little disappointing. I want to stay near my family. So here comes the question...can I survive the depression of not having a steady and reliable job...or can I survive being hours from my family? When it comes down to it, I don't know if I can handle either case.

Staying here and having a job that is unreliable at best has only made me upset, stressed, and aggervated, and it's only been 3 months. To do this a year, two years, or even more would drive me completely insane. On the other hand, leaving my family behind, not being able to drive around the corner to my grandma's scares the heck out of me. I guess if there is one thing I've realized it's that our time on this Earth isn't the longest. We get one life, with which we can choose to live as we please. For me, my life has always been filled with family. Leaving would be hard. But above the isolation of a place where I know no one, I'm frightened that in my absence something will happen to someone in my family and I'll regret leaving and not spending those extra days, months, etc with them.

For once I wish the answer was staring me in the face, for once I wish life wasn't so hard, that someone could give me a stage direction and tell me where to go or what to say. I don't think that I've allowed myself to realize how much I miss my dad. I've always had to be the strong one, the one everyone could count on. When my dad died, I was the one that kept a level head, the one that called 911, the one that gave CPR, the one who hid in the backroom alone when I realized what was reality, the one that had to listen to my mom running around the front yard screaming for help. The one who ran around making sure flowers, caskets, and everything was just right, or as right as a funeral arrangement could be. I still have no idea why I won't cry in front of anyone, why I can't talk about how I feel. The reality is that every time I see a father and a daughter it kills me knowing that he isn't here. Every time I see a wedding party, on TV or in real life, it kills me knowing that I'll never have that. Sure I can get married, but having a wedding without him here would only make it a million times worse and very far from the happiest day of my life.

I worry so much about my mom. Something happening to her, her being sad, or leaving her alone. I know I need to go out on my own, I know I can't do that here, but I don't know how to do it and feel like I'm NOT abandoning my family. It's natural for kids to leave home, but it's not natural for fathers to die at 52 years old and it's not natural for me to feel this way. I've surpressed my emotions so much when I'm around other people that I can't tell ANYONE how I feel, I guess that's where this journal plays a very important part in my sanity. For once I wish I could just tell someone how I felt, a real live person standing right in front of me, I want that contact, that person to hold me and tell me it will be okay. Because right now I feel alone, depressed, and like it's never going to be okay, ever. I know it's been less than a year, but that year mark is coming quickly, and it's not getting any better. My grandpa died 9 years ago (August) and THAT still isn't any better. I'm not so certain that I can go on feeling this way for the next 9+ years of my life. I'm sick of people telling me it will get better, because they don't know me, and I know that NOT talking about it doesn't help any, but every time I do talk about it (which is usually online) people say things that only make me more upset.

Some days I think I'm going crazy. I fear losing my mom and grandma so much, or something happening to one of them that I make myself hear things, only when I hear them I can't tell if it's real or not. I've become so overly paranoid that I don't know how I'll ever be able to move out. I'm constantly worrying about people. I would be very surprised if I didn't have a heartattack of my own by the time I'm 30.

Anyway, I have a few interviews this week, most are with school distrcits 2+ hours away from home. I'm not being overly optimistic about them, I know that most places want employees with experiences, but I am hopeful that I may get a job. I've decided to go back to school this summer and get an extra certification that will make me more appealing to school districts.

So I haven't updated this in FOREVER. I've been preparing for job interviews with various school districts. Looking at apartments in different places to see if I can afford it. I don't know if I can ever afford anything. Oh well, I guess there is no point in worrying until I get offer a position somewhere.

You scored as Cinderella. Your alter ego is Cinderella! You often find yourself doing a lot of housework, but if you are patient, your hard work usually pays off. You are prone to losing things, so dont rush through everything.

Belle-You are a very imaginative person who daydreams often. You're also intelligent and like to read, or maybe write poems or stories. You attract intelligent, mature guys who like you for all the right reasons and you're relationships are deep and understanding.Take this quiz!

You are the ultimate romantic idealistYou've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love.If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever.And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you.

Hey everyone...I'm looking for the title of an 80s (i think, maybe early 90s) cartoon/animated tv movie.

The show was about three (or 4) fire flies, (their butts glowed and they were all different colors), and they would all fly in a circle to make spring come. But then the yellow one gets mad and runs away, and this frog (villian) tried to capture the yellow one and keep her with him. And winter lasted really long, and finally everything was okay.

I figured out what I want in the perfect man, now only if I could cook him up:

-Dominant, but not controlling-Protective, but not jealous-Musically inclined-Intelligent-Romantic, but not mushy-Humorous, but not perverted-Caring and sensitive, but not feminine-Old fashion, but not conservative

Well, as most of you know that the Route 66 roadtrip was cancelled. Well a few of us Angel, Sam, and myself are going to go to New York City in August (7-11). We are probably going to go see Avenue Q on Broadway, take the 48 hour NYC tour, go to the Village, CBGB, and I want to show them my favorite spot in the City.

I have decided that tomorrow is going to be the beginning of a new life of healthiness for me. I made an entire 35 day calendar menu and exercise plan. I'm hoping to lose 45 lbs by the time we go to NYC. It would be pretty awesome. 45 is my max and 30 is my min goals. If I follow the 2lb rule I could lose 38. You usually lose more the first week, mostly water, and if I am exercising consistantly I should lose more than 2 a week (maybe 3 some times), so that's why I set the max at 45.

Anyway, I already have a LOT of jobs for May so I'm pretty happy about that. Since it's an "on call" job it's nice to know when I'm needed in advance.

My laptop went a little insane again. It lasted a whole two weeks after coming back from best buy. I took it in for the SAME exact problem. Is it just me or are the techs at best buy all mentally incompentent, oh wait I dated one of them I know that they are. On that note, Chris and I, hahaha, totally over, after his jerkiness the last time we talked, I have no desire to talk to him again. HOWEVER, I wouldn't mind making out with him again as long as no talking is involved.

Man I think I just want someone to make out with. I have decided that all men are repulsive and I need a nice female trans...okay maybe not, but that may be the answer to all my problems, or a gay man that likes to make out with women. :) Although I don't know if he would be considered gay then. =X

I got a phone call at 815am today from one of the school districts I work for, this is hour it went:Them: "Are you still available today?"ME: (After being woken up by the phone) "Uh, Sure."Them: Okay we need you to work at.....It's 815 now when can you be there.Me: (looking at the clock) Uhhhhhh...9...30?Them: Okay I'll tell them you'll be there then.Click.

I've never had that happen before, usually they call between 5-6am to tell me they need me to work, if they don't call then they call between 9 and 11am to see if i can work at 1230ish. OY!!!!

I lead a boring life. I wrote a song for all the boys out there here it is:

There's a happiness that you'll never knowThere's a love that you'll never showAll because you think with a brainthat pees down a drain.

Maybe you should look into something moreAn intellectuality that you'll adore.Think with the brain, that doesn't pee down the drain.Ohhhhh...Whoaaaa...

The road trip is officially cancelled indefinitely. Money is an issue, a horrible one. Hopefully we can hit a smaller vacation sometime this year, but not too sure about that.

I can't wait to see RENT. I walked to Walmart today and bought it but had to take it back because apparently my mom bought it for us for Easter. I have no idea why she still buys us things, the Easter Bunny stopped coming a LONG time ago.

Man I just want to write a good song. :( I can't do it, it sucks. One day, I will.