Maybe it’s just the unforgiving truth that we assume that we are safe.

Our children are fed, clothed, and vaccinated. Our plastics are BPA free. We use car seats and booster seats, we monitor their play around the clock. We assume our children are safe, and when that belief is shattered, we take it very hard.

In any case, I feel like Newtown started this cascade of bad events. Everyone on my Facebook feed seems depressed. Bad things are happening.

My work has had a run of tragic losses – I rushed a long time patient into the back when his owner presented him for a routine procedure and I took one look at him and realized he was dying, which he did anyway despite oxygen and CPR.

Then I had to drive up a snow covered mountain to recover a dead puppy from a Vancouverite who was too scared of driving in snow to bring him in when he was hit by a car. I won’t talk about it any further, not because I don’t want to talk about it – in fact, I do, in vituperative and graphic detail, to anyone who will listen (much like the Ancient Mariner), but it’s far too depressing a story for me to inflict on you. Suffice to say that the blood stains on my passenger seat still bum me out when I get into the car.

A realtor came to look our place over and give us a valuation (just in case) and politely told me that our house is a dump and would go for about $20,000 less than similar units selling in our complex. Because it’s a dump.

You mean this isn’t desirable?

I’m beginning to sympathize with Aunt Josephine from A Series Of Unfortunate Events.

We went across the border to get some mail, and got pulled aside at the border over a misunderstanding, which resulted not only in a long wait with a child who was past his nap time, but us having to pay tax on duty free liquor (yup).

Owl got sick the day before my work’s Christmas party, which resulted in our friends not wanting to babysit him lest he get their baby sick. My awesome neighbour did dig up a potential babysitter for us, but we just didn’t have babysitter money in our Christmas budget so we brought him to the fancy dinner. He was a hit, but PH had to go home early with him, thus missing out on the theatre show – even though my boss had already paid for the ticket.

PH isn’t having a great time either. He just found out that a former coworker who he finally escaped from when he changed locations last year is going to be his coworker again – someone who used to make his life hell.

I came downstairs this morning to find that PH had rearranged Owl’s alphabet magnets creatively.

That about sums it up

I still haven’t mailed all of my Christmas parcels. Hell, I haven’t even finished my Christmas shopping.

I’m sleepy all the time. I think it’s the long, dark nights and short, dark days.

I took a Wellbutrin this morning.

Focusing on the positive:

Monday’s Canada’s Worst Driver showed gay man love, and that made us happy. You don’t see enough of that on reality television.

Owl seems to be recovering quickly from his cold.

When the realtor walked into Owl’s room, she brightened up and said, “oh, THIS is nice!” in a surprised tone of voice.

I’m getting a fancy new video camera with my Christmas bonus money from my dog training business, which I can use to make training videos and possible become rich and famous. Or just use to make more Owl videos.

Best of all, I was voted Employee Of The Year at work! How’s that a turn around from almost a year ago?

(as an amusing side note, I also found this post from around this time last December, so things are definitely looking up)

Being Employee of the Year is not only a huge morale booster, it’s a $1,000 prize which must go towards a trip of some kind. PH had been talking about taking Owl and I to Disneyland, but I was wavering because of the cost. PROBLEM SOLVED.

…Except that an hour after PH booked it, the friends who were supposed to be going with us to share a room with us (cutting costs) and taking Owl off of our hands ended up having to back out – problems with the husband’s work schedule. So that’s a new problem.

Right. POSITIVE.

The problem with being me is that rather than bask in the “I must be awesome” glow of being Employee of the Year, I am instead plagued with thoughts like this:

“You don’t deserve that, you haven’t worked nearly hard enough.”

“Everyone must be pissed at you for winning, because THEY wanted the $1,000 prize.”

“Now, if you don’t work even harder, people are going to regret voting for you.”

“No one complimented your dress at the work party. They probably thought that you were slovenly and awful and have lost all respect for you.”

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24 thoughts on “I Need More “Merry” Before Christmas.”

First off, you’re not alone in not feeling “merry” just yet. This has been a particularly difficult year for most of us! 😦

That said, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AWARD!! YOU DO DESERVE IT!!!

I have not met you in person, but have been following your blog for long enough to know how special you truly are. A kindred spirit and definitely a person after my own heart! ❤

Btw – Wellbutrin didn't work for me at all! I find Trepilene more helpful (at least to ensure I get to sleep through the night) and WAY cheaper!! 😛

I pray that tomorrow's End of The World actually equates to the end of THIS way of living and relating to each other. I truly believe that there are enough of us "Dreamers" (as per John Lennon's definition in his song Imagine) to truly bring about a positive change for the sake of Mother Earth and ALL who dwell on her!!

With that, I'm sending you and your family the warmest wishes (and believe me, it's REALLY hot in Cape Town! :P) for a Fabulous Fun & Peaceful Festive Season as well as a New Year that is WAY better than this one has been!!

Wellbutrin was my savior. It pulled me back from the brink of near-suicidal levels of depression within three days. I’ve been off of it for the summer but I have eight or nine pills left. I think a few days of them may make a difference.

*big hugs* This is a hard time of year to get through. I’m sure you’ve heard this before but take lots of vitamin D. I’ve heard that helps though to be honest I’m not good about remembering to take it so I’m not sure if it does or not. The sun will come back and things will get better. You have many people who love you.

Congratulations on your award, and well-deserved. It sounds like you are finally in a work environment that values your strengths & makes you happy. I’m glad for that.

The week before Christmas can be daunting. I’m getting through it by eating all the things, drinking unreasonable quantities of eggnog, and building a holiday playlist on Grooveshark so that I can listen to carols and never need to hear “Last Christmas” (but I can have Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan’s “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” three times in a 45-song rotation BECAUSE I WANT TO.)

As far as the events in Newtown, yeah. I hear you. I had finally managed to stop crying when someone posted the “This is what six looks like” on my Facebook feed and like an idiot, I clicked it. I know what six & seven looks like, I *have* one. One who is getting increasingly alarmed by my need to squeeze him tight for a few seconds every day when he gets off the bus.

I hope you have a very merry ‘first Christmas’ with your own little family.

There’s one that seems to get a lot of radio play but I never get past the first line because it fills me with HULKSMASH rage. It’s something like “december 21st and I can’t find all the presents I need” in this warbly, auto-tuned voice.

Newtown has brought up a lot of old depressed feelings for me too – feeling randomly weepy and every little thing makes me sad. A friend of mine wrote a very good piece about it, in which he thought that the reason so many people are so touched by this, vs. the daily terror that many children face, is that the children “look like” most of the white, middle class people who are commenting on it. I work with so many children who are touched by mental illness and gun violence, but they are brown children whose parents have little power, and so much of the world that actually does things like blog, post on fbook, etc. is white and educated.