While I don’t remember where I heard the phrase anymore, it has stuck with me.

“Don’t despise the ordinary but seek the extraordinary.”

I think I heard it on a sermon but again I’m not sure. It is written on a sticky note that I have posted on my computer at my desk. I literally look at this simple phrase every single day. I think it is a powerful phrase and one that challenges me every day.

I honestly have to remind myself of this every day. Even when the Lord points out something extraordinary to me in a very simple moment, whether its in my quiet time, or during a simple conversation with a friend. He catches me off guard still when he uses someone to say a simple phrase or uses them to show me his love that day.

So often we get lost in the monotony of our day to day lives. Sometimes we go through the motions, not really connecting to who or what is around us. I know that I have been guilty of it. I miss out on the little things and the big things that are happening and then often lose sight of what the Lord is doing in my life. Or I get so caught up in the future and what the next major step is that I forget to be engaged in the life that I am currently living. Sometimes I can get super focused on praying and fasting for the future or for someone else that I lose focus of what Jesus is trying to do in my own life.

There are may layers to that simple statement. “Don’t despise the ordinary.” Just because you may not have a glamorous job or be where you want to be, do not despise it. Do not miss out on where you are and who you are with. You are there for a reason and a purpose. Maybe you are to learn something, maybe you are to cross paths with someone and pour into them or they into you. You don’t know why you are where you are. Don’t miss out on it.

Do not despise the job that you have, even if it isn’t your career aspiration. Do not doubt the church that you are at or the community that you are in. Be engaged and be involved. Do not ignore the people that you engage with every day or ignore the interactions that you have with them. Do not despise the simple home that you may live in or the car that you may drive. Appreciate the simple things of having the clothes, running water, food, a roof over your head, etc.

My challenge to you and to myself is that you spend time praying and asking him to meet you there in the ordinary events of your life. Ask him to use you and give you the words to speak during the day. It’s something I am working on asking Jesus to do every day in my own life. It’s a challenge because he will do crazy things if you are open to being used by him.

This brings us to the second part of the statement. “Seek the extraordinary.” In those ordinary moments, seek for Jesus to meet you there in that moment with that co-worker, friend, family member, or stranger. Seek the extraordinary to happen in your life. Don’t settle. Look for the greatness and expect to see big things. Jesus will show up and blow your mind. He will reveal things to you.

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

He wants us to experience the extraordinary things. He may call us to write or speak to large groups of people, small groups of people, or minister to someone one on one. He may have us sit in cubicle or answer phones. But if you seek Jesus, he will reveal himself to you in mighty ways.

Do not be frustrated with where you are that you miss out on the opportunities that are right in front of you. Extraordinary things can happen there. And don’t settle for less than greatness. Go after your big dreams and trust that the Lord will be with you as you pursue those, even when it doesn’t always go according to your plans and expectations. Trust him. He has you. He’s gotten you this far and he will get you even further.

Don’t despise the ordinary but seek the extraordinary.

He can do extraordinary things in ordinary moments in your life. Remember God is always up to something.

Tonight I enjoyed good food and conversation with a dear friend. I have realized that our relationship is a unique one and may seem quite odd from the outside. It might be rather peculiar to some. However, I have come to realize that these times that we spend together are highly ordained and very much divine appointments. While we can talk about very normal everyday things like work and relationships, we always have a very real moment each time, where Jesus shows up.

We often times rather quickly changes gears and the Lord does his thing. It is so cool to watch how our willingness and openness to have him meet us there works in such large ways. We have very real conversation, talking about fears and feelings, acknowledging them and noting that they are valid, yet come back to very real truths found in scripture.

We are loved and adored by the Lord. He delights in us and has great things for us. Yet he needs us to be willing and surrendered. We need to be willing to sacrifice and trust that he is going to give us so much better and more than what we could fathom. We just need to be willing to do what he asks of us. We know that this is much more easily said than felt in the heart or carried out. It’s always a challenge to get your heart and mind on the same page.

While I know tonight the Lord was clearly working something out in her, he showed up for me to and reminded me of a lot of things. While we all walk through tough seasons and feel overwhelmed beyond belief by problems that are so much bigger than us, Jesus is with us. He is seated on the throne and we are not alone.

He is always up to something and has such greater things in store. Even if we are in a season of blessing and we feel like it can’t get better, it does. When we are faithful with little, he gives us more.

While I am truly excited for her and what he is doing in her life, he reminded me that he is up to something in mine and is allowing me, little ol’ me to come alongside some pretty amazing people and be a small part of their journey too.

I hope that you have some particular relationships that may seem peculiar at first happen and that they help to grow you and challenge you. He can use the most unexpected of people to come alongside you. I look forward to having many more unique relationships throughout this journey of life.

“It’s a relationship….” These are the words that many of the people that I know say just to say them. This is what they have been taught to believe and answer but it’s not always real for them. It’s not always been real for me. Over the past couple years, it has become more real and I was reminded of how true these words are to me.

While I have become someone who enjoys putting on my best, getting all dolled up, and going to church on Sunday, that’s not where this relationship begins or ends for me. I used to be the kid who hated to put on the dress on Sunday morning and couldn’t understand why we had to go to church twice on Sundays.

As we celebrate Pentecost today, I was reminded that this is more than going to church on Sunday. It’s got to be about being a witness to those around me, especially those who don’t share the same belief in Jesus that I do.

Again, I am the one who is learning to worship Jesus in new and different ways, that I had honestly once thought strange. To be someone who feels the urge to get up and run or dance in the middle of praise and worship. Or even to be someone who lets out a shout or has my own prayer language. These were all things that I once thought strange and impossible. But this church that I attend and the people that I met, encouraged me to take God outside this box that I had put him in.

While there is something truly beautiful and amazing that happens when you really open yourself up to the Lord and being filled with the Holy Ghost, I don’t want it to be confined to my experiences inside the church or just with the church body. I want this to be a daily testimony as I interact with believer and non-believers alike. My relationship with Jesus is not limited to a building or only able to come out with a certain group of people.

While there is an overwhelming presence and power that comes when we gather as a church body, my encounters are not limited to these times. I have deeper moments of connection and revelation when it’s me and Jesus in my closet or in my car. Honestly, sometimes too it’s been in the middle of the work day or in a large crowded city. I’m learning to be open to seeing him in everything.

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So while I appreciate the significance of a church building, holding corporate worship, and having a pastor to preside over the body, I don’t want these things to ever take the place of my relationship with Jesus, whom meets me anywhere and will take my praise however, and wherever.

I think every professing Christian would benefit from attending services at different denominations to grow their own relationship and see how to help others see the beauty and blessing of communion with Christ. While we each have our own relationship with Jesus, there is also the need to meet together to help encourage one another. I just don’t want to confine myself to one type of way of doing things. I want to keep growing in my relationship and experiencing God in new ways, in turn then helping others to want the same thing.

I’ve personally get so fascinated by the stories of other people talking even about the little blessing in their lives and the big blessings that I often times forget to think about how the Lord has really showed up in my life. I forget to testify what he has done for me to share and encouragement with someone else. I can get so easily caught up in a woe is me kind of situation.

For instance, I was having a conversation with someone about how they wanted a certain kind of shirt and they wanted it at a certain price and it be a certain way. And they were believing that they were going to find that. (I know it sounds simple.) But don’t you know that they found what they were looking for. They believed in that moment that they were going to find it, when they were looking for it and that the Lord was going to provide it for them. Sometimes it’s okay to ask for the little blessings. Trust him in the little things. We so often ask about the big things and forget that he is in the little things.

So you know what the next day, I said I wanted good coffee. I didn’t want just the coffee that I had at the office. I wanted something better. I wanted a treat. Don’t you know, I had a free drink on my Starbucks card. This meant that I got the venti drink with the extra shot of espresso. So not only did I get something other than the coffee at the office but I got it for free. He wants us to trust him with the little things. And if he is going to show us that he can provide us with the shirt that we want or the coffee that we want, how much more can and will he keep doing if we keep going to him in prayer.

Why do we so quickly forget what he has done for us? Why do we so quickly forget that he is always looking out for us? Why do we so quickly forget that he loves us? He is the God of everything and can do anything. We have not because we ask not. Let the Lord take care of you, even in the things that may not seem so important. Let him love you and take care of you. Let him show you how much you mean to him.

As I am sitting here in this coffee shop writing this. I am kicking myself for letting my fear get in the way. I came here with a particular purpose in mind. I was set that I was going to do it and then I let my fear get in the way. I came out tonight to be part of something that I feel is super interesting and something that I am believing in. But I don’t know how to be part of it. And then I wonder if I am supposed to be a part of it or if I need to let it go. If it hasn’t worked by now, should I let it go?

I came tonight because there is an organization and collective that was put together of people who are creative to help others who are creative. Tonight they were doing something in support and awareness of suicide. I tried to come out attend it and listen. Fun fact…the collective is called The Listening. It’s something that we all need to do more of. We need to listen and engage and stop trying to talk over one another. And that’s what I wanted to do tonight. But don’t you know there was a storm that came through. Then my dad called and then…and then…

And then I chickened out and pretended like I didn’t see everyone going back to the other room. Pretended like I didn’t look up the even on Facebook to see that the start time had been pushed back. Pretended like I wasn’t avoiding someone. I didn’t obey. I partially obeyed but not fully and I’m learning that partial is basically not obeying.

I think the Lord did bless me some though, even though I only partially obeyed. I was able to talk to my dad. I was grateful that he called me. Even as a 29 year old woman, I still love my daddy and I will always be his little girl. I got to check in on my brother and pray for him. I got to work on my resume and talk to someone who is helping me to improve it so that I can be right where the Lord has called me to in this next season.

But I’m still hiding. I’m still letting my insecurities get in the way. I am still not doing some of the things that I know that I should do. Why? Because I’m scared. I have let this one person have so much control over my life, it’s ridiculous. I don’t want to step on his toes or get in his way, even though I know that I was supposed to be there and be part of it. I can’t keep letting someone else dictate what I’m doing and where I am going. Because in all honesty it’s not about him. The thing is I could go to the thing tomorrow night, as it’s a three night event. But will I?

I don’t know. It’s easier to run away. It’s so much easier to hide and not deal with it. But honestly suicide and depression and anxiety are real parts of my life. They have been for a long time. It goes all the way back to middle school. Yea there were years where I didn’t deal with it as much. It went dormant. Oh how I wish I could go back to those years, where it didn’t cross my mind. But it does.

It’s different now. I won’t end my life, not anymore. Again part of it comes from the fact that I am quite honestly too scared to do anything. Plus I know that I would destroy my parents. As much as I feel like sometimes it wouldn’t matter if I was gone, I think to them it would. I can’t break their hearts. I don’t have it in me to do it. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t still battle with the dark places in my mind and the very serious hurts and insecurities.

So maybe this was the blessing too, is that I got to write this out tonight and share this with someone else. But I think I was supposed to experience things in person tonight and I missed out on it. Maybe next time I’ll get over myself and do what I am supposed to do.

I’ve been feeling like I’ve been written off and like I don’t make a difference. I feel like what I am doing is not having the impact that it should. I feel as though it doesn’t matter. I feel as though it never will. That’s what has been causing me this anxiety and heartache. I’m feeling as though I am not good enough and like I don’t matter. Like no one wants to hear what I have to say or see what I can do. And it’s been written all over my face. The people at work can see it.

I don’t do a good job hiding when I’m going through. I wish I could. I wish really wish that I did. The funny thing is that there is someone else I know who thinks that they are good at hiding it and they aren’t. I think I can hide behind a fake smile. But only for so long. Then it all comes pouring out of me. I’m tired of faking it and functioning as though I am okay. The problem is that I have been trying to do this on my own. I keep saying woe is me and nobody likes me but the Lord at exactly the right times has sent someone to me. Or he has made his presence known in some mind blowing way.

Though I may not see that I am making a difference, I know that the Lord has put me and has put you in the situation that you are in for a reason. It may just be for a short season or it could be for a long season but he has you there for a purpose. And while he is probably trying to teach you something, he is also probably using you too. You may never get to see how and that’s okay because the glory is all his. If he has given you another day, you have the opportunity to make a difference. I’m realizing that I type this up. I was seriously in such a negative space. Writing things out helps to put things in perspective. Going back and seeing what you write also helps you to regain perspective and see what the Lord promised you. You will see what he brought you from.

He can’t break his promises. So though it may not look how you thought it would. Trust him. He is always in control and his timing is always great and perfect.

Thanks for reading through my roller coaster of emotions this evening. I hope that it helps someone who reads it. Have a wonderful night!

I have to confess that I got caught up living life again. I was firmly believing in Esther 4:14 and was keeping myself super busy and involved in everything. I was not making time for my writing, which turns out is something this actually super essential for my not having my panic and anxiety attacks. Good news is I hadn’t had one for a long time…came close but have been prevented. Until today….

I let myself get down on myself and a certain situation again. It is a trigger that I know all too well and have been trying to fight for some time. However, Saturday she came in with a ferocity that I tried to stand up to on my own and failed. I failed because I tried to do it on my own. I didn’t seek the Lord in the situation or turn to the things that I know help get me out of my funks. I gave in. I let myself fall into it and have lost two days because of it.

I shut down. I couldn’t see anyone, didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was consumed by running this situation over and over and over again in my mind. Then having irrational thoughts connecting it to things that were not connected at all. Causing drama out of something that was not really that dramatic. I made a mountain out of a mole hill. Even today when I got some clarity, I kept freaking out and over analyzing and got myself so worked up again. I made myself sick. Worrying kills me…it literally kills me. One of these days I’ll probably give myself an ulcer. I’m surprised that I haven’t yet.

The thing that I know about it being this bad…is that there is something really good that is trying to break through. There is something really great that is about to happen that this darkness is trying to keep me from…it’s trying to keep me from experiencing it. It’s making me feel like I am not a good person…that I am not good enough…that I don’t deserve it…that I don’t care…that I don’t matter…that I’m never going to match up.

I know these thoughts and feelings all too well and it kills me because I may have helped to make someone else feel them too, which just feeds into the vicious cycle of negative thoughts in my head.

The running that I have started doing helps. I’m training for a half marathon. But this writing thing has become my real source of relief, aside from talking to Jesus. I honestly don’t think I would be alive anymore. I would’ve given up a long time ago but he hasn’t given up on me yet. So I’m doing everything in my power not to give up on him either.

I knew this was going to be a continual battle but I’m not giving in. There is more to this than the past and there is too much ahead to miss out on it. I will not give in to the darkness and that things that are trying to break my spirit and my destiny. I hope that you don’t either. I hope that you share your story and your struggles. I think they are things that we all deal with, we just don’t like to admit it.

The new tattoo I got is my reminder that that I have overcome many struggles including depression, anxiety, and panic before. I will continue on and though I may continue to deal with them, they will not win. I will take care of myself and not give in and I will let others know that they are not alone in this struggle.

I’m going to admit my struggles. I’m not ashamed to hide them. Not anymore. I fail all the time in my walk with Christ, as a friend, as a daughter, as a roommate, as a co-worker, as an employee, as a neighbor, as a human. But here is the thing we all do. We all need to forgive ourselves and not destroy ourselves every time that we do fail. We have to forgive others when they hurt us and we have to forgive ourselves when we hurt other others and ask that they forgive us. We have to do better and try better and have compassion on ourselves and one another.

Today was another bad day. Well it started with yesterday. Every time that I feel like I make progress and get out of this pain and battle, the stronger it seems to come back. The more I feel it trying to fight to bring me back in.

Yesterday and today, I have concluded that I have had anxiety attacks. As much as I think there was a bug going around or that I got sun poisoning, I think there is an element of anxiety to this. It caused me to sit in my house. It caused me to shut down. I don’t do well with being sick. I hate to get to that point but I realized that I wasn’t taking care of myself…again.

Part of the panicking came from not getting a job that I wanted. Part came from my mom’s health and the lack of a relationship that we have. Part came from being in love with a man who can’t love me back. Part of it is my fear of not being enough. Part of it is knowing that there is more and that it’s time for me to experience more. Many things are going into the anxiety. Some is rational and some is very clearly not. I literally couldn’t breathe or sleep at one point last night. My heart was going crazy.

Today it did the same thing and all because of how a conversation went. I think I have made myself physically sick again. Then my boss let me know that I wasn’t meeting expectations and that she noted something was off with me. That I wasn’t myself. She asked what was wrong and what she could do.

How do I explain that I struggle with anxiety and depression? Why is that such a hard thing to talk to people about? Why is there a stigma attached to it? I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it. Why is it every time that I let people in, and tell them about it, they back off and leave? No wonder we who struggle with it feel like we have to fight our own battles.

Funny thing is, I talked to a stranger about it today. I have had other people talk to me about their difficulties with it. It’s a hard thing to accept that I struggle with it. But I am weak and inadequate. I don’t say that in the Christian sense where I am trying to be humble and meek but I say this from a really real place of how I feel about myself.

I have my moments where I am doing well and I’m like Jesus let’s do this. You and me. There was a reason why I didn’t get that job. There is a reason why I am not with the man that I love. There is a reason why I’m not close to my mom. There is a reason why I don’t have many friends. There is a reason…but then I freak out. I panic. I know that fear in this sense is not of God.

Honestly, all I want is to do what the Lord wants me to do. I want to be close to him. I want to rely on him. I want to worship him. I want to honor him. And maybe part of that is me sharing the pain and hurt that I go through every day. I know some people talk about their anxiety and depression as something in the past. It’s not my past. It’s my present. It’s something I’m daily living with.

Every day that I wake up and make it through, is a good day. It was a success. If the Lord uses me in someone’s life, all the better. Praise the Lord that he showed up big for me today, with the most unexpected of people. They don’t even know what they did today. They don’t know how the Lord used them. It encourages me to keep talking and sharing and opening up to other people like me and not like me.

I refuse to let this control my whole life. I will let the Lord use this in whatever way he may. There is a reason for this….there has to be. It can’t not have a purpose.

I am going to be straight honest right now, the oppression that I am continuing to feel is unreal. I am feeling so heavy and so burdened at the moment, for so many things.

So my last post, I talked about how I didn’t want to walk into church. I didn’t want to do anything that morning. I literally wanted a do over. I wanted a get out of jail free card. I wanted to somehow magically pick up and move on and get to a new place and try again. I was frustrated with where I was at and where I was going.

I will tell you, church was what I needed. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear or do at the moment but I knew it’s what I needed to do. I don’t always listen when I realize that. Many times I choose my own path and then have to deal with the repercussions of that. But I got a bit of encouragement and heard the message that I needed. And then I went back into captivity. I went back to grind of the day. I quickly fell back into things. It is a daily struggle and daily battle.

Every time I feel like I make a step forward, I feel like I make 5 backwards. I feel like I keep treading water and like I am making no headway with my life and where I am going. I am overwhelmed…people keep telling me things…meaning well…as I know that I did when I approached people but sometimes, we don’t realize the fight that the person is going through on the inside.

I know what is going on in my head constantly, I can only imagine what other people are going through. Sometimes we just need people to listen. Sometimes we just need to be held. Sometimes we need that cheesy word of encouragement. Sometimes we just need the phrase…”I can only imagine.” or “I’m sorry.” We don’t need anything else. We just need to feel loved where we are at in that moment. We don’t need a 100 Bible verses or you should do this or that. We just need to be heard. I have realized that I have missed many opportunities with people just to listen. I feel like I have something to say. I don’t have anything to say. God has something to say. I need only speak in those moments what the Lord has laid on my heart. I need to step out of the moment and let God step into the moment.

We all get burnt out. We all feel overwhelmed and heavy. We all want someone to just listen and just be there. We don’t need a lot of advice. We just need to process through it ourselves and have a sounding board. We need to not judge each other with where we are at and what we are going through. We aren’t that person, we don’t know exactly. Why is it so hard for us as Christians to let our guards down and really meet people where we are at? That’s what we want others to do for us….why are we so scared?

All this comes from what I am going through and what I realized many of us are going through, especially after a conversation at work. We all need a human being to talk to. Because part of the way that God loves on us is by sending specific people into our lives at the moment that we need.

This Christianity thing, it isn’t easy. It’s hard. There’s a battle…at least one that we are fighting every day. And we need help from time to time. We need to not be afraid to ask for help. We need to love those and be there for those who ask for it. We need to discern when someone needs it and listen when the Lord shows us that someone is in need. Life is not ever going to be perfect. Yes there are going to be blessings and good days but we have to realize that there are going to be challenges and be there for one another as we face those challenges.