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Abandoned bicycle wheel probably no longer needs padlock

Three years after the theft of the majority of her bike, cyclist Alicja Wiśniewski (29) is reaching the conclusion that her solitary wheel will no longer be reunited with the missing parts. Alicja’s opinion is that the lock is now as redundant as burglar alarm for Poundland, a rape whistle for Jacob Rees Mogg or optimism for a good Brexit.

Even the most opportunist petty thief has shown very little interest in one deflated wheel, resolutely chained to railings of Crawley train station. With its misshapen form and bespoke spokes poking out at all angles, the wheel remains a testament to crime prevention and rust.

A Government spokeswoman claimed: ‘This wheel is at the fore-front of our battle against crime. While Ms Wiśniewski’s wheel remains free, people can walk the streets safe – admittedly they have to walk, as all the bikes have been pinched’.

For Alicja this means it is time to move on and leave the wheel behind, mainly because she has forgotten the padlock code. Sadly ‘wheel chained to railings’ will remain a symbol of a crime-ridden Britain – or become the likely finalist of next year’s Turner Prize.