Hi! I'm Paula. I'm a feminist, activist, writer and book reviewer who swapped city life for the quietness of Co. Kerry. I was once a regular runner until my health got in the way. I hope to get back to it someday.

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Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Break ups are hard and strange as it sounds this is something I’ve only realised within the past month. What makes things even harder to get my head around is the fact that technically the break up happened last summer.

You know the score, or maybe you don’t, a relationship that starts out great falls victim to a change in circumstance and you realise that it’s not going to last the distance (figuratively and literally). Breaking up before any resentment crept in and someone got hurt seemed like the best idea so we parted ways.

Things were a little weird, at first, but it really didn’t seem like a major deal at the time. Months passed, life threw some other issues at me and that prompted my ex to get in touch to see how I was doing. From this phone call grew a new friendship, it was different than it had been before (obviously) but, to us, it seemed perfectly normal.

Once again life entered the mix and over the course of phone, text and email conversations I realised I was pinning and was clearly still in love with her. So, you know, there was that!

After much thought and deliberation I decided it was best to know one way or the other if we had a shot (bearing in mind she was still living out of the country which was the original catalyst in our split). It back fired big time, she wasn’t impressed at all.

This is where things started to get really messy, simply being friends wasn’t an option for me and I needed to cut all contact and at least try and move on. Having agreed to this, I was then bombarded by phone messages and emails from her which really didn’t help matters at all.

Asking her to stop didn’t work, nor did ignoring her and hoping she’d go away. In the end I had to ask a mutual friend to have a word. Whatever he said, it seemed to do the trick and I made the decision to look onwards again.

Throw in a surprising and unrelated, to the situation with my ex at least, incident a few weeks back and my emotions kicked into overdrive again, albeit happier ones this time but no less confusing.

A sentence sprang to mind months ago, when I was writing a short story, and it was, ‘When your head and your heart are at war someone always gets caught in the cross fire’.

There really couldn’t be a better way of describing how I’ve been feeling lately and my main concern is that someone, other than me, has been caught in the cross fire. My own life being turned upside down I can cope with but the thought of anyone else feeling like I do, even remotely, is more than I’m comfortable with because I wouldn’t wish feeling this confused on anyone. And I am truly sorry for causing them to feel this way, if they are.

Then comes the revelation that some of your friends feel the need to take sides following recent events and they’re not siding with you. I know what you’re going to say, the ones who have stood by me are true friends and that’s what is really important. As true as this may be, it doesn’t make these feelings any easier at the moment. I’ll get there, but it’s still a way off yet!

On the subject of friends, to everyone who contacted me or simply asked someone else if they knew how I was during my recent Twitter break I want to say thank you. Some of you were kinder and more supportive, without even realising it, than people I’ve known for years.

So there you have it, this is what has been occupying my mind lately and goes a long way to explaining why I’m having trouble focussing on blogging about beauty products (a half finished moisturiser review is actually what prompted me to start this ramble) or why I’m not sleeping either.

This entire post has probably served no other purpose than to allow me to vent and remind myself that whatever happens I can and will get through this, hopefully with one particular friendship still intact, but if anyone is still reading, then, thank you.