(I’m working in the concession stand on a very busy Sunday. My register is around the corner from the candy counter, which is arranged by price to make it easier for the guests.)

Customer: Do you guys sell candy?

Me: Yes, it’s just over on this side. You can come on over and have a look if you’d like.

(The customer walks over and looks confused)

Customer: There are no prices listed!

Me: Yes, sorry. That’s because our stock changes all of the time. The top shelf is $3.00, the middle shelf is $4.00, and the bottom shelf is $4.75.

Customer: But why aren’t they listed? How am I supposed to know the prices?

Me: We’ve arranged them by price. Again, the top shelf is $3.00…

Customer: (cuts me off) I heard you, I heard you. So how much are the Skittles?

Me: They’re on the bottom shelf, so they’re $4.75.

Customer: I don’t understand! How am I supposed to know how much these cost?!?!

Me: You could tell me which candy you want and I can tell you the price.

Customer: Well that’s not very easy. Can you write the prices down for me?

Me: Write them down? Where?

Customer: On a sheet of paper? Gosh! *shakes her head in disgust*

(The next customer in line yells over the counter)

Customer #2: Lady! It’s not rocket science! Just tell her the candy you want and go to your movie!

(Customer #1 huffs and asks for the box of Skittles. She tried to pay with a personal check, which we don’t accept as payment. When I told her that, she threw the box of Skittles at me along with dumping the popcorn I had just served her all over the counter before running out of the theater, not going to her movie at all. She comes back the next day. I’m at the box office where we sell tickets and perform refunds.)

Customer: Hi, I’d like to get a refund on my ticket. I never ended up going to the movie, I was so angry!

(Of course I recognize her, but I play along.)

Me: I’m so sorry. What was the problem?

Customer: Oh, the cashier at the concessions stand! She was so b**chy with me! When I asked for the prices of the candy, she threw my popcorn at me and it got all over me and the counter!

Me: Wow! Did you happen to get her name?

Customer: I didn’t, no. Can I just trade in my ticket?

Me: I’d like to find out about this employee a little more so we can fix this. Was she tall, or short?

Customer: Pretty tall….

Me: Brown hair, blue eyes. Did she have her hair up in a bun?

(Recognition comes over the customer’s face that I’m describing myself.)

Customer: Oh…um….I guess. So about my ticket….

Me: Yeah, no. No refunds on tickets from the day before. And even if you had come on the same day, I would have refused to give you a refund. If you notice on the back of the ticket, it says that we have the right to refuse service to anyone, especially someone who throws a fit when they can’t write a check when all signs clearly state they aren’t accepted.

(It’s a few days past Christmas. I work in retail, and it’s been an exhausting day of processing returns and dumb questions. I have a return to make at the local big box store after work. When I get in line at customer service, the lady in front of me is being belligerent about returning some washcloths she claims to have gotten as a Christmas gift.)

Customer: “Why are they only ringing up for 50 cents?! They were three dollars a piece!”

Employee: “These are clearance items, and since you don’t have a receipt, I can only refund the item’s current price.”

(This goes on for a few minutes more, with the lady who apparently doesn’t know what a receipt is for becoming more and more abusive. I’ve been dealing with this kind of nonsense all week and it dawns on me that I don’t work here.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, did you show her your card?”

Customer: “What card?!”

Me: “‘Your special privileges card. The one that says the rules don’t apply to you.”

(The customer turned a lovely shade of purple and started unleashing a legendary stream of invective at me. The clerks, who moments before were on the verge of tears, were trying their best not to laugh.I probably didn’t make anything easier for the employees, but I’ll be d***ed if it didn’t feel good to do that.)

Customer: “Yes, I do.” *hands the receipt to me* “I’m returning them because the girl blew her nose and picked up a receipt off the floor and didn’t wash her hands. I think they are contaminated. They are dirty now. You need to train your employees to be sanitary.”

Me: “Aren’t you the woman who used to come in the dry cleaners I used to work at and always complain and try to get a free order? Then I went to working at [Local Drug Store] and you had issues there, too. Let me tell you something. We are sales associates who try to do our jobs and make other people happy. But you are one customer who I know well, and nothing satisfies you.”

Customer: “I want to see a manager.”

(Manager comes up to the register.)

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “This employee is back-talking me.”

Manager:*holding up the pants* “What is your reason for returning this now? Let me tell you something, miss. Every week, you are in here returning something, sometimes more than once a week.”

Customer: “Well, your sales associates are disrespectful and this item was touched by someone who didn’t wash their hands after they rang me up and they blew their nose. They also picked up a slip off the floor. I can’t shop in a store so dirty.”

Manager: “I can return the pants, but honestly, I don’t like to lose customers. In your case, however, your returns are far outweighing your purchases and we feel you are abusing our return policy. This is the last return we are processing for you. I am asking you to not come back in this store, as you’ve had a history of harassing associates.”

(The customer took the completed return and left, clearly in shock. That’s the last time I saw the Watertown Retail Bully ever around my area.)