I know I’m random posting some old stuff… but I like the stuff, so it’s getting here. Hope others do too.

Eliza, if I give you the option to die right now would you take it?Yes. No hesitations
If I tell you that I have the way for you to kill yourself, that would definitely work, would you do it?

I think yes. Though somehow I’d have to think through ending it myself more than it ending

Why would you hesitatecoz’ I guess maybe in some ways I want to live
so why would you let it be ended definitely but would hesitate about being the one to end it?coz’ there god is choosing for me.Oh. I didn’t know that I care about god at all
Is that the only reason you wouldn’t end it?I don’t know. I would end it. I’d just think about it first.
What would you first be thinking aboutWhether it’s really worth it. Whether, maybe I would have the strength to get to another side
So why would you end it?Coz’ I DON’T have the strength. But I’d think about it first.
What else would you be thinking aboutThe loss
The loss?yeah. The loss
What do you mean by that? The loss to what?Life
So you want life?NO! NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO, NO, NO NO NO
Okay Eliza, calm down. You don’t need to want it.It feels wrong not to
Okay.
What loss would you be thinking about? I don’t understand what you mean.That there’s no more opportunity, no more hope, no more ability to give to others, no more chance to change the world for it’d be final. I’d be gone.
Yet you’d choose still to end it?Yes, coz’ the loss isn’t worth it
What else to you mean by ‘the loss’?I don’t know. That if I’d kill myself I’d never have been able to do what I was here for. That is why I want god to end it more than I want to, for then I didn’t make that choice. Someone once told me that killing myself is murder. I don’t know about that. It’s not enough to stop me, but, yet I do care in a way. I don’t know…
So what is stopping you now?coz’ I promised to try. And if I don’t try I’ll never know what could have been. I don’t know. For, that kind of means that I believe it could change and I don’t, but I also want to believe in hope.
So what do you believe in?Cruelty. Betrayal. Pain. Disregard for others
Huh?I don’t know. Didn’t mean to say that.
So why did you commit to try?Coz’, I don’t know. Maybe in some ways I do think there’s another way
Another way to what?I don’t know to what. Just another way
Another? Other than what?That suicide doesn’t have to be the only answer. Maybe there’s another answer. If I don’t try I’ll never know
And you want there to be another answer?I don’t know if I do. It’s like, no, I don’t, I just want to end it right f***ing now, but there’s also another voice that I can’t hear
And what is this voice saying?That if I don’t try I’ll never get to another side. If I never get to another side I’ll never be able to help others
And you want to help others?Yes
If you can’t ever help others would you hold on? Or try?I think not. What would be the point?
You tell meThere would be no point. why would I try for me? That’s not worth it. But if maybe I can give to others, I don’t know. It’s still not worth it, but it’s all I can think of
And that’s the only reason you’d try?Yes
Why else do you want to live?I don’t
kay, so why else wouldn’t you kill yourself?no other reason
So if someone would give you the option of definite suicide the only loss you’ll think of is what you could’ve given to others?Yes
What other losses could there be?There isn’t.
What else could you lose?Nothing. Don’t care about anything else. Like what? That I won’t get married, raise a family? So? Why would I want to bring children into the world anyways?
To liveAnd what? Let them live life?? Why would I be so cruel?
Coz’ maybe it’s not cruel. I mean, look at all the people constantly giving birth, do you think they’re all cruel?In a way yes. Not completely
So why don’t you think they’re cruel? What reason would you give to me if I were asking?Coz maybe there’s also joy in life
So this joy takes away the cruelty?No. Because there’s no meaning to it.
No meaning?No. It’s not like it were for a purpose. There can be no purpose to life. Other than cruelty.
So you’re saying that the fact that anyone is alive is sadism?Yes
What about all those who think differently to you? You think they’re fooling themselves?In a way yes. I guess not everyone can be. But maybe they can. I don’t know. I don’t know what they see differently.
But you know that others do see it differently?Yes, coz’ otherwise they would have ended it, the world wouldn’t be here, population of the world, I mean.
So obviously there is some purpose?No. They could just not have thought about it.
So all those who are alive are either dumb or foolish?I didn’t say that. I don’t know. I don’t.
Maybe they see some purpose to living that you don’t.Maybe. But who cares what others see? That doesn’t make a difference to me now.
Maybe it should. Maybe if so many people view things differently, you could perhaps one day tooWho cares about that?? What’s the difference it maybe one day I may perhaps, theoretically, possibly think differently?
You tell me. What difference does it make?That maybe it’s not hopeless. Maybe there could be meaning.But I don’t think that can make it worth it to live now for that maybe one day
Yet you still haven’t killed yourselfRight. Coz I promised
And before then. Why not?I guess somewhere I believe that maybe, I don’t know, I can’t write it coz’ it’s too impossible. But maybe, I don’t know, whatever
What do you think could be possible?Nothing
For someone else, not for you.To get to another side. To see meaning. To believe in hope. To help others be who they can. To be nice/good/worthy/deserving.

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Trigger warning

There are posts on this blog that could be triggering. I know that I often find it triggering to read others blogs. If you find this here, please stop reading. Please take care of yourself. You’re worth it.