Just Say...No

The most positive thing you can do is be negative

Many women say "yes" with their voices and "no" with their bodies. We allow our weight to speak for us: "Sorry, I can't go to that party; I feel too fat." "Sorry, I can't go to that wedding; I don't fit into any of my clothes." "Sorry, I can't go on that vacation; I wouldn't dare try on bathing suits now." "Sorry, I can't be in a relationship right now; no one would be attracted to me." "Sorry, I can't have sex with you; I don't want you to see my body with the lights on."

One of the turning points in my own relationship with food came after I'd gained 80 pounds in a few months and was in such despair that I wanted to kill myself. Instead of going on yet another diet—I'd spent all of my teens and most of my 20s dieting and bingeing—I asked myself how my weight was speaking for me. I asked myself what my body was saying that I felt I couldn't say directly. What I discovered changed my life.

I found out that I was keeping myself fat because I couldn't say "no." Even though I wanted time to write, teach, and develop my work, I kept getting involved with men you'd never want your mother to meet; men who lived on the other side of the world, didn't love me, didn't want me, or were otherwise unavailable. Then I'd spend months—okay, I admit it, sometimes it was years—taking on the impossible task of convincing them that I was lovable, while trying to appear hip, confident, and chic. It wasn't a pretty sight.

But being 80 pounds overweight, I was not tempted to fling myself at the next unavailable man I met, because I believed that no one would want me when I was fat. The truth was that in gaining weight, I was trying to help myself. I was using my weight to say no in the areas I believed I couldn't say it myself. Talk about a lightbulb moment. Once I understood that I could say no with my words instead of with my body, and that I was using my weight to keep myself out of unhealthy relationships, I stopped overeating. [pagebreak]

Excuses, Excuses

I see this same pattern in my students all the time. We use food to say things we believe we can't say or don't want to say for ourselves—mostly relating to the word "no." To parties we don't want to attend, to sex we don't want to have, to people we don't want to be with, to activities that drain our energy. To the ringing cell phone we don't want to pick up. To the ways we sell our souls.

We use food and extra body weight as an excuse to be still, be quiet, be left alone. In effect, we allow our weight to become our gatekeeper, our bouncer, our border guard. Because many of us believe that our real jobs are to be on call for people who need us (regardless of what we get paid to do), we leave ourselves with one way to get what we need and want: food.

In my workshops, many women say that they only take time for themselves when they eat (and even then they feel rushed). Because they don't believe they deserve downtime—which usually involves saying no to someone—and because eating is a necessity, the only activity they don't feel guilty about is eating. Until, of course, they've eaten too much or gained weight.

A student of mine recently told me that her boss regularly asks her to do an extra three hours of work just as she is walking out the door. Instead of saying no, she agrees to the assignment and spends the evening at her desk eating bags of candy. It never occurred to her that the candy eating and the fact that she had agreed to do something she didn't want to do were related. We pack on the pounds and allow the weight to speak our misery. See how awful I feel. See what you are doing to me. See how hard it is for me to be myself.

Listen to Your Weight

I'd recommend that you ask yourself how food is speaking for you. Speak to your weight directly. Ask what it wants and how it's trying to help you. Most especially ask what it allows you to say no to. Listen to its response. And make it a habit to say no once a day.

Begin in relatively safe arenas:

Say no to a friend who wants you to accompany her when what you really want to do is stay home.

Say no to a request to attend a social gathering you have no desire to attend.

Say no to your nagging inner voice that says you have to finish every last piece of work now, this very second.

Say no to eating when you're not hungry.

Saying no is a way of being tender with yourself and the people around you—because if you say yes when you mean no, everyone will feel it. If you say no with your voice, you will no longer need to say it with your weight.

And when you say no to what you don't want, you can begin saying yes to what you do.

Say it with words. Remember the last time you used food for emotional reasons. Remember what preceded the eating. Were you with someone you didn't want to be with? Did you agree to do something you didn't want to do? Were you tired and in need of a nap? Notice what you wanted to say that you didn't feel capable of saying. What were the exact words you would have used? Imagine yourself saying those words. Notice how you feel when you say, instead of eat, your words.