Watching this movie, after all the hype I’d heard about it was not only a disappointing let down, but also a suicide enhancer. As I said to a co-worker the following morning “No movie has ever made me want to kill myself, as this movie did.”

Elaborate? I’m glad you asked. For someone to sit and watch this garbage for 123 minutes, which I did, is simply absurd. The fact of the matter is, I was ready to shut it off after about 25 minutes. Why didn’t I? well, simple, I’ve got a review to write. And a review on 25 minutes wouldn’t be all that great, would it? After all, I’d hoped that maybe it would get better down the line, that maybe it would redeem itself, maybe the ending wouldn’t suck as much as the beginning, and the middle, and every other second of this movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I generally like Paul Giamatti, in most of the bit-parts he plays. I just had a really tough time buying him as a “wine guy.” Yea, his character knows a lot about the wines, and drinks them, and whatnot. But I just didn’t feel it. Thomas Haden Church couldn’t make a good movie/tv show if his life depended on it. I hated him on Wings, and I hated him on Ned & Stacey (which the only redeeming quality of that show was Debra Winger, who is supa-hot). The rest of the cast was mediocre, nothing stood out. You’d think being Michael Madsen’s sister (Virginia) would have made her more memorable, as her creepy-ass brother is. But alas, no great performance there. Sandra Oh was okay in her role, but again, nothing that jumped out and made you go “wow, she’s gonna be huge!”

The director was crap, too. Let’s face it, watching Sideways definitely had an “indie” feel to it. Not only because most indie movies that go mainstream and get popular due to (bad) acclaimed critic reviews, but because the “indie” genre isn’t known for superb acting. At least not to me.

Watching this movie, felt like reliving the nightmare I had with Lost In Translation. They could have combined these two movies together, made one movie about an hour and a half long, and the final scene would have been me coming out of a parked car with an AK-47 shooting the entire cast. That, I think would have made people happy. Let’s face it, who cares what Roger Ebert thinks anymore? If I had some movie studio throwing money at me like it was air, I’d say any damn thing they wanted me to, too. But I don’t, so I’m saying it like it is. And here’s how it is:

This movie is crap. C-r-a-p, crap. There is absolutely no redeeming quality about it. To me, there are things that you need to do, to redeem your script when you’re missing good actors, a good story, and a good director. You need nudity. (Case in point, more or less every Angeline Jolie movie) And this movie failed in that category too. The only nudity we see is, 1) A pale white man’s ass, 2) A gross old man’s penis, and 3) Men with no shirts on. Highly disappointing. If you’re gonna make a crappy movie, at least have some eye candy in it. Or maybe a good script, and some acting. But I know how that can be asking too much.

So, my overall Snob review is simple. Run away from this movie. Do not watch it, do not think about watching it. Don’t even pick up the DVD when you’re in Blockbuster, or consider putting it in your Netflix queue. It’s not worth it. It’s not even worth watching it, just so you can agree with my review on it. Just trust me. The movie is crap, and you’ll be glad I saved your two hours and three minutes.

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