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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

This is the end of the year blog post in which I look back over the past year and attempt to summarize it in a witty and entertaining fashion while still managing to share a nugget of wisdom.

Usually when I sit down to do this I've some sense of how to summarize the past year. It's often rather cut and dry. I'm either excited (This past year was awesome and I am so looking forward to what next year brings!) or I'm relieved (Last year sucked chunks and I'm so glad it's over. Next year can only be better). 2014 though is neither of these things. I can't say that I look back with a major sense of accomplishment nor can I say that I'm glad it's over. What I do seem to be feeling is a sense of not being quite finished...

I'm heading into 2015 with what feels like a million things still in progress.

I'm three semesters away from finishing school.

I was just accepted into an international study program that is an amazing opportunity and I'm trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to pay for it. It is also going to be a three month interruption in my life and certain things will need to be put on hold until I return.

My creative career, such as it is, is in flux. I've found myself heading in a very new direction with my performances which I really want to pursue further but it might mean having to let go of other things (which is never an easy process).

Okay, that's only three things but those a three really, really BIG things. And truthfully, I'm kinda freaking out a little.

For most of my life I didn't make plans. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. Now here I am at almost 43 and I finally (FINALLY!!) feel like I'm headed in some sort of direction. I keep telling myself that that not knowing what I want to do and having some idea of what I want but not knowing how it will turn out are just two different sorts of uncertainty. I've lived with uncertainty for this long; why start freaking out, about it now? Right?

RIGHT??!!

Uh...right.

Well, here I am, at the end of 2014 looking uncertainty in the face. I'm hoping that I will either stare it down or we will shake hands and learn to be friends. I will be sure to let you know how it all turns out.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Thanks to the Imagination Prompt Generator I find myself contemplating my existence and death.What do you sense you are supposed to do before your life is over?

Contemplating my existence and death are actually not uncommon things for me to do. I spend more time than I should ruminating about both. When it comes to contemplating my existence I find myself asking why am I here (I don't know), what my motivation is to continue to exist (I've so much I want to do!!!) and finally how will I get it all done before I die? Shit. It's time to get busy.

Honestly I don't think I'm "supposed" to do anything. I mean the only basic imperative we have, as dictated by out biology, is to exist long enough to pass on our genes, right? If only life were that simple. Yes we are mammals with all the basic biological urges as any other mammal but we also have these big brains that think...a lot. We ponder things, we can imagine things and we also have this drive to make the things we imagine come to life. So I'd amend the above; whether it's babies or ideas we have a deeply rooted urge to create.

If that is what we as humans are supposed to do than I am grateful because I have a near compulsion to create. I create with fiber, cloth, music, dance, words, paint, paper; I can't stop myself from doing it. Even in an empty room I will soon find myself humming or composing poetry aloud. I find my inspiration in my experiences. Sometimes those experiences are direct, such as travel, and other times it is the words of others and their stories. Along with this compulsion to create is the desire to share those creations. Which of course means I need a community to share it with.

In looking back at the above question of "what do you sense you are supposed to do before your life is over?" I'd respond with the following list:

1. Experience as much of the world and the ideas that fill it as I can.
2. Create. Bring those ideas and experiences to life.
3. Share those creations.
4. Build community.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

I've browsed my favorite blog prompt sites and nothing has struck me. I've drifted through Pinterest boards to no avail. I've scrolled through old blog posts seeking inspiration. And it is not quite time for my end of the year list (I prefer to save the "Then best things of ___" and "10 things I hope for in ____" for the second to last and last day of the year). So here I sit face to face with a serious case of writer's block.

Which leaves me with basically two choices:

1. Give up
2. Write about my writer's block

I'm going for option number two because however it might go or whatever words pour out of me, I will end up with a blog post. It may not be my best post, but it will at least exist.

This is the part of the Month of Blogging that is always a challenge for me. I choose to do the month of blogging for a couple of reasons, the challenge of it, the discipline of developing a daily writing habit (though it never seems to stick around for long once school begins again) and to force myself to face my inclination towards perfectionism when it comes to my writing.

I want every post to be moving in some way. Whether you laugh or cry or get angry I want my words to somehow touch you. I want the story that I tell to be clear and well told with prose that flows easily into your mind. I want to paint a vivid picture for the reader so they walk away with an understanding of what I am trying to say. Fitting 30 days of perfect blog posts into my life is not something that is achievable, there will be some posts that are better than others.

And so I have come to accept that there will be days, like today, where the inspiration does not come easily. I will struggle to find the words that convey when is in my heart. And I may fail in the attempt.

I am not sure if today is one of those days, but it is okay with me if it is.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

So I decided instead to list five things that bring me joy. I picked five just because, well, I wanted to keep it short as I do have a tendency to go on. Anyway, here we go.

1. My kitty. It does not matter what sort of day I have had Miss Pickles will always bring a smile to my face. Her sweet eyes, her soft chirpy mews, the ways she gets way too excited about her string toy, her endless cuddles. She is my sweet girl and I luvs her!

2. Teaching. I started teaching dance two years ago and I am absolutely in love with doing it. Seeing a student learn and grow, being a witness to their progress just makes my heart buzz with joy. And though it seems cliche, it is true that I learn as much, if not more, from my students. The entire experience of teaching brings so much happiness into my life.

3. Performing. I am not at all sure that I can express with words the joy that performing brings me. Whether playing music, doing a spoken word piece, dancing or creating performance art, I love sharing art with an audience. Yes, there is the direct reward of applause but I think for me the greatest joy comes from creating that shared moment that comes from the performer-audience connection. When that connection is there it is no longer just a performance being presented on a stage, but something entirely new is born through that shared experience. There is really nothing else like it for me.

5. Music. In the past five years I have fallen back in love with music. I love to listen to it, dance to it, sing to it and most of all make it. These days music is a part of my life in a way it has not been since I was a teenager. I'm grateful to have it back.

And finally this: every one of these things is often even better when shared. I love seeing folks smile with glee at seeing Miss Pickles antics; teaching is never done alone; collaboration on performance with other artists; sharing a walk, a trek, a dance with another person; and music...I do love to make music with other people. My friends, those that I love, bring my great joy no matter what we are doing together.

Friday, December 26, 2014

It is apparently Deep Thought Friday over at BlogHer. Today's blog prompt is:

Gandhi said, "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what
you do are in harmony." Agree or disagree? Is there more to happiness
than that?

I don't believe that happiness is a permanent state of being. Happiness is as transient as any other emotion, but I do think it is possible to find some sort of state of general overall contentment or sense of well being. AND I do think the above quote does have something to do with it...sort of.

When I, for example, look at my return to school and I ask myself does it make me happy? I'd say that most of the time it does not. Each semester I struggle with high amounts of stress as I try to balance homework, creative pursuits and working. I give up most of my social life and feel quite lonely at times. There are fleeting moments of happiness such as when I do well on a paper, or become entranced by a new idea, and I'm sure that when I am finally done I will feel whole heaps of happy, but over all school is mostly a difficult and time consuming struggle. Despite this I keep going.

Why?

Because I know that I am working towards something. Not just a degree, but something larger in that it is providing me with the skills to pursue an idea that will not only help me to make a living doing something I enjoy but will, in the long term, help other artists to pursue their dreams too. If I based my decision of whether or not to keep going with school on the amount of immediate happiness it brings me, I'd have quit long ago!

So I do in part agree with the above quote. I have a general sense of what my purpose is and I find meaning in pursuing it. And while it might not bring me to a steady state of happiness, I know too that if I still worked in a 9 to 5 high stress job and relegated my more meaning filled pursuits to the level of hobby, I'd be one very, very, very UNhappy woman.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

1. I'll likely have to pee when I wake up and though I'll want nothing more than to close my eyes and sleep for five more minutes, I can't hold it forever.

2. Food. Today I leave for my Mum's place for Christmas. We are spending the day eating yummy food and watching totally junky stuff on Hulu and Netflix. I can't wait!

3. Coffee. Maybe it's due to caffeine addiction or maybe it's the feeling of the warm cup in my hands and the happy shiver that runs through me when I take that first sip, but I do love my first cup of coffee in the morning. Coffee time is my time.

4. (yes I know it asked for three) The cat. No matter what sickness, hangover, or dread at facing the day I might be feeling I have to get out of bed to feed Miss Pickles.

Yeah, I know. Nothing earth shattering here. No big "hey, it's a new day and I'm happy to be alive" platitudes. Nope, what gets this lady out of bed in the morning are my basic bodily needs. Once I have emptied the bladder, had my coffee and put food in my belly THEN I can maybe think about the bigger things like what I actually need to accomplish on that particular day or figuring out if my existence has any sort of purpose.

And truly, NOTHING is getting done until the cat has had her breakfast.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

What season do YOU think is the most wonderful time of the year? Is it winter?

I have something I love about each season of the year. I love the waking up of spring as new things grow and we are able to be more active outdoors again. I love the flowers of summer and being able to walk with bare feet. I love the bounty of autumn and watching all the living things around me prepare for winter. I love winter too, with its hats and mittens, snowshoeing and the peacefulness after a storm passes.

I have lived in places that did not have four seasons and it always left me feeling a bit disconcerted, as though I'd lost my place in time.

Winter officially began yesterday and so far I have to say it has been a bit of a disappointment. Last year at this time I discovered snowshoeing and spent an entire afternoon trekking through the woods following a pileated woodpecker as he flew from tree to tree. Thus far this year the snowshoes have been leaning quietly against the wall, waiting...waiting for the snow. I am holding onto the hope that January will bring me plenty of snowshoe-able snow.

Last year I also went ice fishing for the first time. Not one fish was caught, but I still had an amazing time with my friends. It has not been cold enough to freeze anything yet this year. So I'm also hoping for a long deep freeze that will let me spend at least one afternoon on the ice in the company of wonderful people, drinking beer and eating sausages.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Yes, the last of my papers were handed in a week ago and yes, my last final exam of the semester was this past Wednesday, but today marks the official end of the semester. Why? Because today the last of my grades were posted. I finished out the semester with an A, an A- and a B.

I am pretty okay with that.

This semester not only had the heaviest workload I've had yet since returning to school four years ago, it also had one of my least favorite classes: Management Science. It is a class required by all business administration students at the school I attend, and though I understand why the class is required, this doesn't make it any less uninteresting to me. I had to bribe myself into doing the homework.

In the end I did apply myself and I am glad I did. I even ended up using some of what I learned in preparing a business plan for my entrepreneurship class. Okay, that actually did make the class a bit more interesting, but only briefly. It was definitely one of those things in life that has to be done and well, if you are going to have to do it anyway, you might as well do your best. In this case, my best was a B.

Now that I don't have to keep checking the school website obsessively to see if my grades are up I can spend the rest of my evening vegging out to every Anthony Bourdain show I can find on Hulu and Netflix.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Tonight is the longest of the year. With the new moon it is not only the longest night but it is also the darkest. One needn't dig too deeply to find the symbolism there.

Most years I try to stay up through the longest night. This year I am not sure that I will have it in me to do that, but I do plan to stay up for as long as I can. At some point I will take a moment to turn off all of the lights, turn off the computer, the phone and anything else electronic and just sit in silence trying to connect to that time long ago when the coming of night also meant the work was done.

My winter solstice posts are more often than not about the symbolism of making it through the dark nights of our lives; those hard times when we fear the light at the end of the tunnel will never show. Tonight though I am thinking more of the quiet, the peace that can be found in darkness. When we take the time to be still, to sit with whatever we are feeling. When we take the time to just breathe.

I am also thinking about the darkness of uncertainty. Those dark hours of waiting for the illumination of our minds and hearts that allows us to see the way clearly. As the wheel turns this year I find myself facing an uncertain future in many parts of my life. I have wonderful opportunities ahead that I am working towards, some of which require sacrifices that I'm still unsure about making. My creative life is taking a dramatic new direction which I am both excited and nervous about. My relationships are in flux, old friends have left and older friends have returned. I still have an uneasy relationship with my heart; I'm sometimes mistrustful of what it tells me.

Whether or not I stay awake through the dark hours I will rise early and walk to the water to await the returning sun. The weather currently says it will be partly cloudy, but even if I do not see the sun, I will know it is there. The light will still come and the day will brighten. Whether or not it will bring me the illumination I seek remains to be seen.

A warm and happy solstice to all. May we all find our way to the dawn.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Audrey Hepburn said, "If my world were to cave in tomorrow, I would look
back on all the pleasures, excitements and worthwhilenesses I have been
lucky enough to have had. Not the sadness, not my miscarriages or my
father leaving home, but the joy of everything else. It will have been
enough." Do you think you would do the same, or do the sad times stand
out in your mind?

I'm not sure I look back and see the sad events so much as I have an understanding of how certain events impacted me. I recognize the bad habits and sometimes poor coping mechanisms they have left me with and I find myself feeling frustration when some event in the present day triggers an old emotional response. I ask myself, how long have I been trying to process this, and how much work have I done only to find that I am still feeling the impacts of X event?

Wait didn't I write recently that healing takes time and we can't really control the pace at which that happens? Yeah, I guess I should take my own advice right?

If I had to look back and review my life though I think I'd look upon it mostly favorably. I have had my struggles and my dark times, but I've also had some rather cool adventures and I have met some really awesome people. Over all it really hasn't been so bad.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

During the past week I have been logging into Hulu, finding a fitness video and for one hour. working up a sweat. So far it's been good. I have sweat quite a bit and today I woke up with a bit of soreness in my core. Basically I feel good, and I feel like I'm doing something.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Do you believe you need to know sadness in order to appreciate happiness?

I don't think that we need to know sadness to appreciate happiness. When I ponder this I find myself instead thinking that what is needed, what I need, is to become comfortable with both sadness and happiness and to understand that both are temporary states of being. Their transient nature can lead us to an appreciation of both of them.

This evening I am feeling the let down, the crash, that comes with the semester ending. Right now an evening of nothing to do seems frightening and is producing some anxiety for me. I go through this at the end of every semester and despite the fact that I know it will happen, it still seems to take be by surprise.

When I give it some thought I realize that in years past keeping as busy as possible was my way of avoiding feeling. When I would stop moving, stop doing, all of those thoughts and feelings would come rushing in. They would overwhelm me and more often than not I'd soon find myself in full panic mode. Perhaps this feeling tonight comes from my body automatically bracing for an emotional impact.

As with happiness or sadness I know this anxious feeling is a temporary one and even now, as I write, the feeling is beginning to pass. These days stillness is something I have come to greatly appreciate and welcome in my life. Apparently some parts of my being are taking a bit longer to become comfortable with that idea.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

About a month ago I applied for the Semester at Sea program. Late this afternoon I received the notification that my application was accepted.

I am excited, nervous, thrilled and a bit scared. I'm worried about how I'll gather all of the money to pay for it but mostly, I feel massive amounts of anticipation. I have traveled here in the United States, I've visited Canada on several occasions and spent a couple of weeks in Guatemala, but I've never done something like this. This is three months on a ship with visits to seven countries, an Atlantic crossing and traveling south of the equator.

I'll cross the sea on a ship with no land in sight for days and when I look up my eyes will gaze upon different stars!!!

When I was a little girl my cousin and I often said that when we grew up we wanted to be world travelers. If this happens, this will be the second of my childhood dreams that comes true (the first was being a street performer - which I also thought I'd never, ever do).

It's ten months away. That really, really doesn't seem all that long of a wait for a dream.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Today's blog prompts is courtesy of BlogHer's December NaBloPoMo blog prompts. The theme this month is joy.

"Where is your happy place?"

My happy place has never been one particular location. It is more of a type of place, usually outdoors, often sparse or even barren. I've always loved walking through the winter woods, visiting abandoned sand pits, roaming forgotten dirt roads, or picnicking in quiet graveyards. Wide open places like the desert, the plains or the sea. Places where I feeling willingly isolated. These are the places that make me feel centered and peaceful.

I enjoy far away places, where effort must be made to get there. Often this is simply setting a goal of walking to a place that is 15 or 20 miles from my home instead of driving there. These pilgrimages are isolating in a different way because few people use walking as a primary form of transportation, particularly over great distances. They are also very connecting. Communities that one usually breezes through in a car I see up close. I see the homes, the parks, the roadside trash and I also see, and often chat with, the people who live there. These adventures leave me feeling alive and connected.

I also find happiness right here. In this chair, or anywhere that I am able to sit for an hour or a moment to write, create or just think. This is where my body is still and my inner voice may find its way to the surface. It is often calming, sometimes tumultuous and frustrating, but in the end leaves me feeling a sense of lightness and release.

I have many other happy places, the stage, the classroom, the library, my bed, across the table from a friend; I suppose that there are probably more. That is a good thing...

Sunday, December 14, 2014

I went to bed sometime close to 4:00 AM following a really wonderful holiday shindig.

I got back out of bed at about 9:30AM. I showered, downed a cup of coffee, nom-nom-nommed a bit stuffed bread and packed my drums for rehearsal. My ride arrived shortly thereafter.

I spend two hours making music, playing drums and singing.

1:00PM rehearsal is done. I am invited to grab lunch with a friend, which I do, and by 2:00 PM I'm off to a friend's holiday open house where I catch up with old friends and meet Mr. Longfellow, my new kitty cat nephew.

By 3:15 PM I have made my way to the library where I spend most of the next six hours finalizing a semester long project and planning the presentation with my fellow group members.

9:30 PM I am back home. I write out my presentation notes on index cards, proofread one other group paper and send it off for final review.

Now I shall settle in with a glass of wine, a craft project and some Netflix. I think it is well deserved.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

This blog post took the better part of two days to write...so I'm counting it for days 12 & 13.

I've been seeing a lot of articles lately about Decade Lists. These lists are the ones where someone approaches a milestone birthday (30, 40. 50 or 60) and writes an article or blog post about the ten things they learned in the prior decade. Usually they include something about valuing your friends, not listening to the opinions of others, loving isn't perfect and how the most important person to love is yourself anyway.

Now it isn't that these things aren't true and they are all indeed great things to aspire too but (yes, I always have a but) more often than not they are presented in such a way as to say that there is some defining moment in your life where you will figure things out, all things will make sense and life will be perfect from then on out. Life does not work that way. Ever.

I am of course not one to complain without offering up some sort of solution. Below you will find my list of things that I've learned in my almost 43 years. Take what you will from it.

1. You won't want other people's opinions to matter, but they still will. Okay, maybe not in the way they did when you were in junior high and Sally said that your favorite sweater made you look stupid so you folded it up, tucking it away in your bottom dresser drawer until the end of time, but there will still be people in your life who you admire and look up to, who you hope will support and approve of what you do. And if they don't it will probably leave you feeling let down and maybe a little hurt. That is okay, it is a part of being human; we want people to like us. What isn't okay is allowing the hurt to stop you from continuing to work towards your dreams and goals. You pause, take a deep breathe, mull the criticism over to see if there is indeed any value in it, and move on to whatever next step you need to take.

2. Your parents are probably never really going to understand you. They will hopefully try, and as you get older there will be many moments where you come close to a meeting of the minds, but they will likely always see you as their child. They just can't help it.

3. Loving yourself is important but you will pretty much always feel ridiculous looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself you are awesome. None of us are perfect and we know this, which is probably why we feel a bit silly telling ourselves that we are perfect just the way we are. First I think not liking everything about yourself is okay, there really is always room for improvement. Seeing ways that you want to better yourself is not a bad thing. Of course being totally down on yourself isn't so great either. Maybe we all need to start looking in the mirror and telling ourselves that we are basically a decent human being who is doing the best they can. I think even I can say that.

4. Some experiences will scar you for life but you learn to live with them. Hopefully. There will be things that happen to us; most will be good but some will be really, really shitty-ass bad things. Often we have zero control over this, which can be hard to accept. We will ask what we did to deserve this (probably absolutely nothing). We will obsess, replay the events over and over in our heads wondering what we might have done differently (likely a million things but that doesn't really matter after the fact). We may try to bury, medicate or busy away the bad and yucky feelings that remain but in the end we accept that we must face it and learn to live with it. Which leads me to...

5. We all heal on our own schedule. No one can dictate to you how long it should take to get over the grief, sense of loss, feelings of violation, anger or pain that come along with a traumatizing event. No one is ever likely going to say to you, "Hey, it's awesome that you won that award and all, but please stop being happy about it," but we have this expectation that people can move on quickly from loss or pain. We are wired to learn things like, bear attacks are painful so I should stay away from bears, unfortunately our minds aren't so great at differentiating between the bear broke my arm, that asshole broke my heart, or the icy road caused my car to crash. We are however also wired to keep going into the woods to look for food, even though we know that there are still bears out there. We do have a truly amazing capacity for healing, but we need to learn to allow ourselves and others the time to do so.

6. It's okay to ask for help. Whether you need help moving or it's 2:00 AM, you are deep into the ugly cry and the wine just ran out, or you are just feeling lonely. Asking for help is sometimes necessary. We all need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen. I can tell you from my own experience that most of the really dumb shit I've done in my life has been the result of me trying to distract myself from loneliness, sadness or some other dark feeling. Most of which could have been prevented by just picking up the phone and calling someone.

I'll add to this too that sometimes that help comes in the form of a professional therapist. I've seen various therapists over the years and I can't express enough how valuable their services have been.

7. Answer the phone. Really. Don't hit dismiss or ignore or silence the ring when your friend's name pops up on your screen. Why? Because while you might might be thinking that you are too busy, or too tired, or too whatever, your friend could be acting on number six of this list. They may be reaching out because they are in that dark place and need help. They might also be calling to ask for your apple pie recipe or to just say hello or tell you that you are awesome, but in any case, they are making the effort to connect. Honor that and answer the phone.

*I had a night about a year ago where I was in a pretty lonely and dark place. I knew that the last thing I needed in that moment was to be alone. As I made my way through my favorites list on my phone and listened to ring, after ring, after ring, I sank lower and lower. By the time I dialed the last name, I was such a mess that I could barely breathe, let alone speak. When I heard that, "Hello?" on the other end it was like someone invented oxygen. What is perhaps most ironic (I think...I always get the irony thing wrong) is that I'd saved that person for last because I assumed they were too busy and I also knew they were dealing with their own stuff - I didn't want to trouble them - yet they were the only person who answered. I will be forever grateful for that "Hello"

Again...pick up the phone.

8. Be kind. We say this a lot but, along with loving ourselves, it is probably one of the most difficult things to do. It isn't that we don't want to be kind, it is that life is full of distractions and we humans are a self centered sort of creature. Kindness can take many forms from holding the door for someone, shoveling an elderly neighbor's walk after a storm, assuming the best of another person or just offering a smile to someone, but it always requires us to set our own wants aside for just a moment and turn our attention to someone else. It's pretty much always worth it.

9. Friends, real friends, are rarer than we realize. Most of us have one or two of these people in our lives. They are the ones who understand you, who know that your go to favorite meal is red wine and pepperoni pizza, the ones who answer the phone at 3:00 AM, the one who is the first person you want to call when something awesome happens, they know you like no one who you are not related to does. They are your family of choice. The fact is that when you are 70 and your family of blood is long dead, these are the folks who will be your family. Value those you have now, tend to those relationships with the care that they deserve and never stop looking to make new ones.

10. Talk it out. Misunderstanding has lead to more pain and problems in my life than I care to count. Taking five minutes to ask someone what their intentions were, to let someone know they may have hurt you or to offer up an apology when one is needed can be extremely uncomfortable. My palms get sweaty, my chest gets tight and I worry I'll forget what I want to say but five minutes of awkward has saved friendships and prevented long term hurt. Take the time to do it.

11. Finally the catch all. Life is not easy. It is filled with disappointment, failure, sadness, pain, grief and all sorts of other unpleasantness. It is also filled with joy, success, inspiration, celebration and love. Most of the time it seems to make no sense at all. Perhaps the key is to strive to be aware of where we are at right now and recognize that wherever that is, good or bad, is temporary. This thought, which I still strive to put into practice, has pulled me through some very dark times and allowed me to cherish the more pleasant ones.

So there you have it. My 11 Pearls of Wisdom form 42.8 years of being alive on this earth. I hope you find some value in it.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Today I attended the last of my classes of the semester. I've two projects that will be finalized and turned in next week, and one final to take, but the active part of my semester is over. I won't be attending lectures or taking notes until January.

There is always a sense of relief when I reach this point; a letting go of tension. It is a combination of knowing the end it in sight and the realization that there is little I can to to change the outcome of the semester. Yes, my papers and my one final count for a solid percentage of my grade but I've also already put in 13 weeks of hard work. I've laid a strong foundation and if grades were cut off now, I'd likely finish with two A's and one B. I'll come close to that still next week.

This was one of the toughest semesters I've had. It had the heaviest workload and the most in depth course work. I put in many hours and made more than few sacrifices, but I feel good. The time and effort exchanged for knowledge has been a good trade.

After next week, when the last presentation is made and the final exam taken I'll have three and half weeks before I start it all again. I'm already looking forward to it.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

I ventured elsewhere for a blog prompt today. I found it at the Daily Prompt. The prompt read:

“If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere,” goes the famous song
about New York City. Is there a place — a city, a school, a company —
about which you think (or thought) the same?

The prompt jumped out at me because while I don't have a specific place in mind that I want to go to, the though of leaving Portland, Maine has been on my mind a lot lately. There are many reasons for my thoughts to turn this way.

I am about a year away from finishing my bachelors degree and I have been giving thought to whether or not I want to go to graduate school. I've been browsing schools and while I've not yet decided if I want to continue on to the next level, I do know that if I choose to do so it isn't likely to be here in Maine.

I've lived in Portland for nearly 20 years. I love this city with a good chunk of my heart. It has become my adopted hometown. The people I have know for the longest and who are my dearest friends all live here. It has been my creative incubator and my personal testing ground. It has however changed greatly and while I will always love this city, I do often think it might be nice to get to know another place as well as I know this one.

There is a HUGE world out there that I have yet to explore. I took my first traveling vacation in nearly four years a couple of weeks ago and it served as a great reminder of how much I have not seen. When I was younger I wanted to be a world traveler. I don't need to move to explore the world, but if I do begin to do so, it's quite possible I'll fall in love with someplace else.

I do believe that I can make it pretty much anywhere. I've always managed to fall in love with the places I visit and the places I have lived. I am not sure what my future holds when I finish school in just over a year, but I won't be surprised if that future takes place in a land far from here.

Monday, December 8, 2014

"How do you do all that you do?" is a question I am asked with some frequency. I usually shrug my shoulders and respond with, "I don't know, I just do." Or I offer up some semi-cliche piece of advice, "Well, I schedule everything, even my down time." Both of which are true. I don't really know for sure how I do manage to do everything and well, I do schedule nearly every minute of my day.

I think though if I sat back, as I did today, and gave it some deeper though I'd probably say two things:

1. That I manage to do all that I do because I want to.

All that I do in my life right now: school, work, dance, music, write, exercise, etc., are all things I really, want to do. I don't mean that I just think to myself, "oh that would be nice, I might try it some day." No, what I mean is that my desire to do any of these things is motivated by something deep inside of me. To set any of these things aside, to not do them would be akin to setting a part of myself aside. I would feel somehow incomplete if I stopped doing any of them.

2. (this is probably the more important of the two) The title of this blog post is a lie.

I have been known to say that I am the last person in the world to hold up as an example of someone who "has it all" because when I want to accomplish something I tend to go all in to achieve it. What does this mean exactly?

It means that in order to have time to do all of these things I can't work a regular job. I need one with flexible hours that is willing to put up with a complete schedule change every time a new semester begins. It means my paycheck is not always predictable and it means I'm often living on the edge of poverty. It also means I've learned to cobble together a 'living' by working two different jobs and teaching. I put in extra hours during the breaks between semesters. It also means I've learned to be very creative with the amount of money I do have.

It means that my social life tends to vary from sporadic to non-existent. My time commitments are such that I don't often have extra hours to spare. I turn down so many invitations because a paper is due, or a lesson needs to be planned, or I need to rehearse a performance, or I just want time to practice. That said, the time I do spend with friends and loved ones is time that I cherish and I am more present during these interactions that I perhaps used to be. I am thankful too that I have people in my life who are so very understanding and supportive.

It often means battling loneliness, self doubt and worry. It means late nights with little sleep. It means that towards the end of each semester it feels like my life is falling apart, my laundry becomes a week or more behind and I accumulate a place setting for eight worth of dirty dishes on the floor around my desk.

This is not a complaint. I do all of these things willingly and I take a great amount of joy in what I do. For every moment of "why the hell I am doing this" there is a musical epiphany, a new dance step learned, a story written, a new idea absorbed, a debate that expands my mind, a creation is born or a connection made.

So, for all of those others who struggle with pursuing a dream and feeling overwhelmed or on the edge of defeat, it is perfectly okay to be in that place.

It is okay for this to not be easy. It's okay to feel like it's too much, or to worry that you won't make it. It's okay to break down in tears and pitch the occasional fit. I question my own sanity on a nearly daily basis and you know, I think maybe it takes just a tiny bit of crazy to step off the expected path to pursue a dream.

I don't believe that there is such a thing as 'having it all.' I think most things that are worthwhile in life often require some amount of commitment and sacrifice. That often means that for some parts of our lives we may have to settle for having most or even just some of it.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

It's nearly 11:00 PM on a Sunday night and I'm so very tired. I had a very full, and mostly enjoyable week, but it has had too many late nights and too few hours of snooze time. The week ahead is the last week of the semester before finals and I'm sure it will take nearly every last bit of my energy to get through it.

So my apologies for the short blog post, but I think I'll be heading to bed very soon.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Tonight I had a conversation about trust. Trust is something I struggle with and it has been the focus of many of my recent therapy sessions.I look at quotes like this one and I think to myself that trust should be something that comes easily. It should be a default setting. If you don't know someone well you just assume the best and operate as though that person has your and everyone else's best interests at heart.

I am going to get a bit confessional here. I'm going to confess that I have had more than one glass of wine and as such, if I keep writing. I'm likely going to become far more personally confessional than I care to be.

So I'll leave you with the above quote and a somewhat wistful, "good night."

Friday, December 5, 2014

Today's blog prompt courtesy of...well, crap I closed that tab and I've forgotten what site it was on. Anyway, here is it is.

What made you smile this week?

I was going to do a day by day accounting of at least one thing each day that made me smile but as I sat there staring at the screen I began to be a little overwhelmed because there were actually so many things that made me smile this week. It hasn't been a perfect week, I did spend part of Monday in the ER due to my asthma and I'm feeling the pressure of the end of semester, but there's been a lot to smile about.

...my kitty's ever ridiculous antics when she wants attention or wants to play.
...the friend who gave me a ride to and from the hospital on Monday.
...dancing in my bedroom for no reason at all.
...crafting costuming pieces for my dance students for a show they are performing in on Saturday.
...coffee.
...working on a creative project with one of my favorite collaborators.
...making music with drums, tin cans, buckets and whatever else is nearby that I can tap out a rhythm on.
...a silly joke about the weather that a friend made last night that still has me chuckling.

I know there was probably more than that to make me smile but those are the highlights. What brought a smile to your face this week?

Thursday, December 4, 2014

There was a time when feeling sad meant I queued up my sad song playlist on iTunes, dimmed the lights, lit half a dozen candles and curled up in a comfy chair with a glass of wine and a box of tissues for an evening of letting whatever sadness was in my heart come pouring out of my eyes. When I was exhausted and empty I'd make my way to bed, wrapping the covers close and drift off into a deep and generally very restful sleep.

When I was sad I preferred to be alone.

At some point this changed; there came a time when my sadness became something I could not longer just sit with. Letting it out, instead of bringing relief, began to feel more like drowning and so I began to seek distraction from the sadness. Most of the time this took the form of keeping myself busy. I volunteered, worked, created, studied, hung out with friends did whatever I could to keep myself occupied enough to not think. While I may not have faced what I was feeling, I certainly did get a whole lot accomplished.

So, who do I like to be with when I am feeling sad? I am not sure I have found a person with whom I could allow my self to express my sadness in the way I did when I would sit in the dark and listen to music, but this does not mean that the people I seek out when I am feeling low or sad are simply another distraction, something to keep me busy enough to not think about what I am feeling. The people I seek out when I am sad are people who I care for and in whose presence I find comfort enough to take the edge off what I am feeling. Sometimes I just need to feel a little less alone, or I just need to talk and I am grateful for those people in my life who have been there for me.

I miss the days of sitting by myself and letting my feeling wash over me, immersing myself in them, facing them and then letting them go. I long for that time when sitting with my feelings was not so frightening or overwhelming and, well, the truth is I'd really like to be able to once again say that the person who I like to be with when I am sad is myself.

(This post might make it seem like I am sad all of the time, I am not. While the past couple of years of years have been a bit of a struggle I am generally in an okay place most of the time.)

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

That folks is an easy, easy question for me to answer. A large pepperoni pizza from Otto's Pizza in Portland, Maine. It is doubly tasty when shared with a good friend along with a bottle of red wine and a long wandering conversation.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Today's NaBloPoMo blog prompt is "talk about a surprise that made you happy." I've had quite a few happy surprises in my life...

...the dress that I dearly wanted (but couldn't afford) that all of my coworkers got together and bought for me on my birthday in 1992.

...the day in early 1996 that I came home from work and found two little fuzzy kittens curled up asleep on my bed (those kittens were in my life for the next 18 years)

...there was my 40th birthday when I had no time to plan a party and a dear friend instead asked all of my other friends to take me out to dinner during the coming month. I ate out nearly every night for over a month.

...the way so many people helped me out last year when I was struggling financially.

...finding out only recently that one of my best friends is moving back to Maine.

But one surprise that really meant a lot to me happened several years ago, when I was really feeling down about life. I don't even really remember what it was that was going wrong but I was really struggling and I felt very alone. One day I logged on to my email and there was this message from someone I only knew peripherally. It said:

"You don't really know me though we are connected on MySpace. I saw that you were going through a hard time and I wanted to let you know that I think you are amazing. I admire everything you do. I think you have so much to offer the world. I hope you are smiling again soon."

I no longer use the address that that email was sent to and I so admit that this is not a direct quote but more of a summation. I don't even now recall who sent me that message but I do know that I will be forever grateful for it.

Monday, December 1, 2014

It is that time of year again. When I make the commitment to blog everyday for one month. December seems to be the only month that I am able to accomplish this feat, likely due to the fact that for much of December I am not in school. This will be my fourth year of taking on the task.

The theme for this month is "joy" (which for those who know me personally is rather amusing for a variety of reasons). Merriam-Webster defines joy as "a feeling of great happiness" or "the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires." I'm going to admit that these are not things I feel on a regular basis. That might be something worth exploring...Whether I decide to explore the theme or not the commitment to a month of blogging has been made. I had a very difficult time with it last year and I'm not sure that I even managed to complete it, though I do recall getting most of the way. but I still managed to blog for the 31 days of December.

Here is to the 'try, try again' and best of luck to all who are participating in BlogHer's NaBloPoMo this month!

Jane is...

….artist, writer, dancer, poet, teacher and dedicated over achiever. I am currently living in a small Maine city with my cat and four roommates. I'm basically happy, but not yet content. This is my life...