Friday, January 10, 2014

After I wrote my last post, I was SO excited to finally be doing what I needed to be doing.

Eating healthy, back on the exercise train, determined...

Then the next day I woke up SICK.

Of course.

Not just a cold, but a fever with a disgusting sore throat that makes swallowing seem like an impossible feat, a cough that sounds like the rasping of an old man who has been locked in a damp dark dungeon and has not seen the light of day for many years...

Okay, maybe I'm being a little over dramatic, but the moral of the story is that I have NOT been working out because I feel about as good as a sack of crap and when I do anything remotely physical I end up bent in half coughing until my lungs feel like that can no longer produce an adequate supply of air.

(yes, I am a bit of a drama queen).

Some good news that came out of this, I cancelled ALL plans to focus on getting healthy and my mom forced me to go search for bridal gowns in my spare time.

I was hesitant at first, because I've gained weight and I was sick so I was hardly done up very prettily, (and the dresses looked WAY better when I was done up nicer).

But I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself, I FOUND MY DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After trying on over 35 different dresses from 4 different Bridal boutiques I found my dress at a discount store that I thought I would hate but I absolutely LOVED!

My dress made me feel like a princess and I can't wait to see it when it's finished being altered. (I am adding sleeves). I WISH I could share a picture here but I'm afraid Jeff might see it! (not that he reads this very often anyways).

So even though I feel like crap and may be visiting the inside of an Urgent Care today, something good has come out of being sick!

I feel so much closer to being married! Somehow just buying the dress has made this all seem so much more real.

Monday, January 6, 2014

That you can eat whatever you want like the rest of your friends and family

but then you start wearing sweat pants more often and baggier and baggier T shirts.

You start to be in denial why your jeans get too tight.

You start to lie to yourself daily - TOMORROW I will do better.

I'm so sad to say that I Gained Weight.

Weight that I worked SO HARD to lose.

It took me almost a year to lose 19 pounds by eating healthy and exercising daily.

But ever since I went to Disneyland in October, I haven't been able to reign in my eating habits. I haven't been able to stop finding excuses not to workout and not to have to eat clean and reasons why it would be okay to get a cookie with my salad at paradise....

I could feel myself slipping slowly into my old habits. Lying to myself and the people around me. Binge eating daily. Treating everyday as a cheat day. Using the Holidays as an excuse to eat like I was at a buffet.

But I did all of these things. I did it and I was too ashamed and scared to step onto the scale. I kept thinking that I would go back to eating healthy and that I would go back to the way I was before. But of course it's not that easy. I finally had the courage to weigh myself today and I've gained 10 pounds.

TEN POUNDS that took me MONTHS to lose.

10 pounds I lost by WORKING MY BUTT OFF in a CrossFit gym that I no longer have the time or money for.

10 Pounds that came from ordering salads when everyone else was ordering pasta, from eating fruit when everyone else ate ice cream, from prepping meals at night when everyone else was watching T.V.

I think you get the picture. Those 10 pounds were hard work, and I feel like I've just thrown in all down the drain.

I remembered a quote that used to fuel me in the beginning. It was: "Eat to live, don't live to eat". I feel like I used to really know what that meant. I used to live by it. I would feel bad for the people around me who were fueled by the food they would get to eat, so excited for the dessert.

I would feel power from turning down the bread and I would feel more motivated the more I stuck to my eating plan.

Tomorrow I start, I mean REALLY start going back to the habits I had worked so hard to acquire.

I will eat clean, healthy and fresh foods.

I'm starting a new challenge to motivate me to workout daily (even if its not a crossfit wod) called the Spartan 30.

I will take new pictures of me at my new weight - even though I am extremely embarrassed that I let this happen and that I am not the person I wanted to be this year.