What to do if you struggle to orgasm

Reaching an orgasm is typically seen as the end goal of sex for both involved and often trying to achieve one can get in the way of actually enjoying sex.

In fact, not making the big 'O' affects more women than you might have imagined, with as many as one in three having trouble reaching one.

Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual and relationship therapist at the College of Sexual Relationship Therapists (COSRT) says: 'Difficulty in having an orgasm is actually a really common thing and something I see lots of clients for in psychosexual therapy. For many women, it isn't a problem at all and for some women it is.'

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There's a condition called anorgasmia, often referred to as orgasmic dysfunction, which is a type of sexual dysfunction where a woman can't orgasm despite adequate stimulation.

According to Krystal, there are several types of anorgasmia. 'You can have primary anorgasmia, where you've never had an orgasm. Secondary anorgasmia is when you used to orgasm but stopped having the ability. And there's also situational – where you can orgasm in some situations but not others. Quite often, I see people who can orgasm if they are masturbating on their own and the minute their partner is involved they can't.'

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Why do some women struggle to orgasm?

The inability to climax is a complex thing and can be caused by anything from tiredness, stress, changes in hormone levels and boredom in the bedroom, to physical illness and medications, such as antidepressants.

Some women struggle to orgasm because they fear losing control and being absolutely vulnerable with somebody else. 'A really common cause is shyness and embarrassment. Being able to relax in front of somebody and lose control can be difficult for a lot of people,' says Krystal. 'People can become self-conscious and get into this negative thought pattern – where they think too much about it and aren't really being present in their body.'

And it may come as no great surprise, but the majority of women aren't able to orgasm from sexual intercourse alone. In a recent study, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, four out of five women failed to reach climax through penetration without clitoral stimulation.

Petra Boynton social psychologist, sex researcher and agony aunt at The Telegraph says, 'Most women don't orgasm through penetrative sex. And if they do, it's because they're grinding their clitoris on his pelvic bone – it's not actually to do with the penetration.'

And it's not uncommon for women to fake orgasms to make their partner happy. 'It's extremely common to fake orgasms,' explains Krystal. 'Once they've been doing it for a number of years, it becomes hard to be honest and admit that they've have never had an orgasm.'

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What can you do if you can't orgasm?

No woman (or man for that matter) should ever feel pressured to orgasm, and it's important to know that sex doesn't have to end with an orgasm.

Here are four things to explore...

1. Learn the skill of masturbation

According to Petra, it's very unusual to find women who masturbate, but don't orgasm. 'I often hear women say they can't orgasm, but when asked, describe experiencing orgasm through masturbation on their own,' she says.

If you've never orgasmed with a partner, try it on your own. Masturbation is something you can learn to do, explains Petra. 'As women, we're lucky to have an organ that it's only purpose in life is to make us feel good. Explore touching your clitoris and see whether it feels good to touch it directly, around the sides or over clothing. Some women need a lot of stimulation, some don't.'

2. Turn to toys

Most women need direct clitoral stimulation for satisfying climaxes and sex toys can make this easier. 'They take all the hard work and do it for you,' says sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight.

For those new to sex toys, she recommends slimmer vibrators and ones with rabbit ears, which provide dual stimulation of both the clitoris and the G-spot, such as the Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Slimline. 'For a slightly more experienced user, I would recommend the Lovehoney Magic Wand. They give powerful vibrations and many women report more intense orgasms using them,' she says.

3. Stop trying to make them happen

Going in seeking an orgasm can make it a lot more difficult to have an orgasm, say sex and relationship educators Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker. 'Trying to make them happen can make it quite frustrating. If we can start with how turned on we might be feeling at the start and following that feeling to see where it takes us, rather than trying to have sex to get to a point of orgasm then we might start to be able to enjoy sex more.'

'So, the key is (we think), instead of trying to have an orgasm try to tune into what is hot; either what feels nice in your body, or hot thoughts, or both.'

4. Work out what pleasure is for you

Too often do we think of sex as just being intercourse. 'Sex doesn't always have to involve penetration. Work out what you like, whether it's having your neck kissed, talking dirty, dressing up, using a sex toy or having someone go down on you,' says Petra.

When to seek help

If you're worried about not being able to orgasm, speak to your GP. 'They can give you a full health check to see if there's an underlying medical cause or refer you to a gynaecologist,' says Krystal. 'Psychosexual therapy can also help you deal with how it feels for you and discover other ways of enjoying sex.'

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