Five Awful Valentine’s Day Gifts

It’s that time of year again. Valentine’s Day is upon us and you have to find something romantic and special for the love of your life. And if you don’t, you’ll be sleeping in the garage next to your dog and wondering why you passed up the chance to join the French Foreign Legion.

You could have been this fabulous

As always, every retailer in the world has compiled a list of “Gifts For Her” that are meant to make it easier for you to find something perfect. They’re mostly filled with perfume, jewelry that costs more than the GDP of many small nations, candy, and other assorted romanticy ideas.

Amazon.com, however, has no such desire to make life easy on you. This is clearance time and they’re putting some awful shit out there for you to consider. Buying these things for your loved one is a guarantee that you mailed it in this year.

Couple Human Key Holders

What’s more romantic than a key holder? If you answered “pretty much everything,” congratulations, you’re not brain-damaged. However, these things exist and they are absolutely horrifying.

Just look at them. It’s a 3-D metal representation of the shit-house door sign people and they have key-holes where their genitals belong. You’re essentially key-porking these poor things. And you’re supposed to hang them in the house where other people could ostensibly see them. Don’t do that.

Can Koozies

For the discerning alcoholic, let us present these Mr. and Mrs. can koozies. Every redneck knows that there’s nothing more aggravating than to be reaching for your Natty Light only to find that your old lady done gone and snatched it up for herself.

Worry no more, Buford — with these color and title coded can koozies, you can get blind drunk on awful beer and never again have to fight over whose can is whose. Feel free to fight over Chevy vs. Ford though.

A Pillowcase

Tell her you love her with this whimsical body-pillow case. It depicts a stick figure man blowing hearts at his stick figure gal. How sweet.

And how sweet is it going to be in a few months when this pillowcase is encrusted with night slobber, eye boogers, skin flakes and god knows what other bodily fluids might splash on to it. You’d be better off just giving her your dirty underwear.

Branding Irons

We can see how, perhaps, a cattle rancher might actually find these romantic. Also, if you’re heavy into S&M and body modification, they’d come in handy. That’s where it ends though.

And wouldn’t it just be more cost-effective to rent these? Do you plan on getting married a few dozen times to where getting more than one use out of them is a possibility? Wait, no, our mistake. They’re for branding your food on the grill.

That raises more disturbing questions. How much of a selfish fatass are you that you need to physically char your name into your food so that nobody else touches it? It’s taking the whole “my name is on the milk, don’t use it” thing way too far.

Rocks

What? Did you marry Charlie Brown on Halloween? If you plan to give your woman a bag of goddamn rocks, you better duck. Essentially all you’ve accomplished is supplying her with ammunition to launch at you when you ask if she’s up for a little sumpin-sumpin.

But honey! After Valentine’s Day we can pave the driveway. It’s a PRACTICAL gift!

How much more lazy can you get? Go out back and dig up a handful of stones if you want to give her the gift that says “fuck it.” These don’t serve any purpose other than to make sure our nation’s inmates have something productive to do during their incarceration. There’s literally no reason to buy rocks. Ever.

Take our advice: get some flowers, a card, a small box of expensive candies, maybe some jewelry that Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman designed and mass-produced, and save yourself a lot of trouble this year.