Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Bog

There's a legend (apparently) in the fetid swamps of Arkansas about a fearsome, yeti-like creature who decapitates deer, beats up yokels and drags the good name of Arkansas through the mud. Oh, wait, no, that's Bill Clinton. My bad. Anyway, like the sprawling saga of the Corleone family or the convoluted twists and turns of the Matrix, the Legend of Boggy Creek was too complicated and intricate to be covered in just one movie. Hence the existence of 'Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues...'

It's 1985, and four deeply unappealing people go on an expedition to learn the truth behind the rumours of the Boggy Creek Creature. Or maybe they just want to escape yet another tedious college football game... it's hard to tell. They are a mixed group, but they all share one passion: ruining the lives of moviegoers everywhere.

DocOne may question why Doc is as smug and annoyingly self-important as he is. Being a professor of anthropology at the University of Arkansas isn't exactly a plum position. Let's face it, in terms of academic prestige, he's probably outranked by the janitor who cleans the blackboards at MIT.

TanyaA grad student of Doc's, Tanya is notable as the "nice" girl, meaning she is marginally less shrill and obnoxious than the other one. Quite how she got into Boggy Creek studies remains a mystery, one far more compelling than any guff about sasquatches.

Shirtless TimWith his narrow shoulders, thin arms and complete lack of spine, Tim is not so much beefcake as tofu patty. Even so, he is the closest the movie was ever going to get to a sex symbol, so his wardrobe mainly consists of disturbingly short cut-off jeans. Sadly, we will never know how many women looked at Tim's pallid, ill-defined chest and thought, "I wonder if I am... or perhaps should be... a lesbian?"

LeslieToo much make-up, too much shreiking, too much perm; Leslie is a girl who knows how to generate despair. Between Shreiking Leslie and Shirtless Tim, one gets the suspicion that the makers of Boggy Creek II hated physical attraction in all its forms, and wanted the audience members to look on all of their fellow human beings with disgust and loathing.

Further proof of the producers' misanthropy comes with the two creatures our "heroes" find. It's hard to tell which one is scarier.

CrenshawA picture is worth a thousand words...

... but can be summed up in three: sweet merciful crap.

The LegendUnfortunately for The Legend, Crenshaw is a far more terrifying monster than it ever could be. For most of us, given the choice between stumbling into an isolated mountain cabin and encountering a) a bedraggled yeti or b) a sweaty, horny, obese, half-naked hillbilly, we'd choose the former option.