A Shit Day: Compassion

I had a shit day today. One of those days where there is so much to do and the overwhelm of all that needs to get done paralyzes you.

I did nothing.

No, that’s not true, I did laundry and I cooked meals, and planned birthday stuff for Ben, but I did nothing as far as my projects or career goes.

I hate days like today. They make me feel anxious and panicked and like a failure.

That’s the truth.

In therapy I am working on sitting in these feelings. Finding compassion for myself. Being okay with it.

It’s fucking hard.

I don’t feel like a person on most days. A lot of times I find it difficult to understand why I even exist.

I have no money of my own. No bank account. I have projects just floating around not landing where I need them to land. Or where I think I need them to land. I often feel like I have no voice or platform.

I stopped coaching because I truly can’t help anyone but myself right now. No coaching means no income.

My body has made it near impossible for me to get a real job. Sitting or standing for any longer than 20 minutes leaves me in excruciating pain. Pain that I don’t even know how to describe to people. Pain that makes me feel even more like a failure.

I can’t help but think of how fucked I would be if anything were to happen to Ben.

What would I do? How would I survive?

I’m trying hard not to think of death as the escape plan from all of this. I don’t know how to explain to people why my brain goes there still. I don’t have an understanding of what it’s like not to be this way.

My therapist tells me people who have experienced trauma, brains work differently. We’re wired in a different way. The trauma caused a glitch.

Sometimes I think my trauma is bullshit. But it’s not. It’s real. And there is a lot of it.

She asks me to find compassion for myself in these moments. Because it’s not my fault.

Coming from the healing world, the law of attraction world, i’ve been believing all of this is my fault for years.

I’m choosing this. I chose this. I created this. This is because of me.

But maybe i’m just wired differently. Maybe things that happened, things that I experienced, changed things in my brain.

Maybe it’s not my fault and so maybe I can find some compassion for myself.

I did the laundry today. I cooked all of my meals and dinner for Ben and I. I brushed my teeth and planned some stuff and wrote this.

It’s only 6:30. There’s still time for more things to happen and be done.

And maybe they will, and maybe they won’t. But all of it is okay. And none of it defines me.