The Hideous Heartbreak of Television Heckler Syndrome

I was born with a serious syndrome that has no name. I thought for sure I’d outgrow it, but instead it keeps getting worse.

I call it Television Heckler Syndrome, or THS. It causes me to have sudden, uncontrollable, angry outbursts when I watch television. It first manifested when I was a young boy. At the time my episodes were predictable and somewhat manageable. THS only struck when I watched Chicago Cubs baseball games. When a Cub struck out with the bases loaded, I’d blurt out something like, “You stupid idiot!” When a guy on another team hit a game-winning home run, I’d scream “I hate your guts!”

Because these were the Cubs, these outbursts happened a lot. But the antidote was simple: don’t watch Cubs games. I tried my best to heed that sage advice, but I often fell off the wagon.

When I was older, THS started striking me when I watched the news, particularly news about politics. I remember seeing Ronald Reagan strutting and crowing about how he brought about the demise of the Soviet Union. And I shouted at the TV, “Well it’s good to know that there’s at least one dictator you don’t like!”

And now it’s gotten to the point where I never know when I’m going to be seized by a bout of THS. And my one-line eruptions have turned into full-blown rants.

Recently I quietly watched TV, just minding my own business, and all was going well. But then a commercial came on about a retirement investment fund. A square-jawed guy who was about 50 years old looked into the camera. He had an air of success and confidence, but in his voice was an undertone of worry. And the guy said, “How can I make sure my retirement will be financially secure?”

And I replied, “Well there used to be a time when guys like you and I had pensions! Guaranteed income! But the only people that have pensions these days are politicians—the same politicians who wanna take all of OUR pensions away! And now they’re coming after our Social Security, too! So I’ll tell you how to make sure your retirement is financially secure! JOIN THE DAMN REVOLUTION!”

I know I have a problem. Some people have a high tolerance for television watching. They can consume it frequently and in large doses and it doesn’t faze them one bit. But some of us must stay away from television altogether because we never know when it might set us off on another terrible spiral. We might suddenly see a commercial for reverse mortgages.

Overcoming THS is much harder to do today than it was when I was a boy. Today there is a virulent new, mutated strain of THS known as IHS or Internet Heckler Syndrome. It’s very devastating and I’m pretty sure I have it because it only takes a minute or two for me to come across something on the Internet that sets me off. And before I know it I’ve wasted away the entire day writing in the comment section.