Non-Motherf***ing Ex Factor?

One of the most common dating conversations that occurs revolves around whether or not men and women can ever truly be friends. While the answer to that is clearly debatable and largely depends on whether or not you believe in the butterfly effect (what?), the pendulum swings way harder towards “hell no” once you include the modifier, “friends with an ex.”

Apparently the likelihood of remaining friends with an ex is slim to none. Not to say that it can’t happen. I am good friends with an ex of mine and that relationship is purely platonic. I also know other people who have remained friends (platonically) with exes. It’s just not the norm and even my relationship with my ex took some time to get to that “we’re okay point” and I’m fairly certain that she lead the way there. We had a pretty horrendous breakup and both of us had to grow as people in order for us to get to the point we are now, but her reaching out and extending the olive branch that I would have likely been too afraid to extend myself cemented that friendship.

All of this came up at the recent Washington Post panel that was hosted by Rahiel Tesfamariam of Urban Cusp and I. We delved into a discussion about friendships with exes and I posited that most breakups didn’t end amicably and if a woman was maintaining a frienship with her ex soon after it was because she wanted the relationship to pick back up. If a dude was, it’s because he was still trying to hit.

What’s odd to me is that if you asked most people why it’s not likely to be friends with an ex, you rarely get good reasons. It always comes down to, “you just can’t” or some variation of that. People in relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, go through all types of non-sense. Hell, much of it is similar to the types of relationship ups and downs you go through. Granted, in a relationship you’re putting your whole heart on the line so the pain of disappointment is worse, but quite obviously, the great destroyer of future friendship is sex. Apparently, “sex changes everything.”

Hi. My name is Panama Jackson and I’m Captain Obvious.

But here’s the kicker…why does sex change everything? Yes, I realize that once you cross that threshold with somebody there’s no going back. And the only way you can maintain the pre-smang status quo is if you have two people who are ’bout that life who either have too much pride to be affected or are too new to the smang game to realize that they’re supposed to catch feelings.

So while beef and longterm personal disappointment can cause a relationship to crash and burn I don’t feel like that’s something that can’t be worked out and/or talked about at some point (not necessarily right away), but why does the addition of sex change all the stakes? Why is it that two people who have seen one another naked have such trouble overcoming the friendship hurdle post-breakup? And hell, would two people who hadn’t smanged be able to maintain a friendship? These things keep me up at night.

Of course, I do realize that some people just don’t like the person that they’ve ended the relationship with – which is likely the cause of the breakup. Some people can’t be friends for this reason, and others because crossing that romantic threshold either means that they have to get married or not speak to each other ever again. In my own personal dating history, I’m still really good friends with two exes (though I only actively keep up with one) and I have a few that I haven’t spoken to since we broke up for various reasons: personal safety (seriously), irreconcilable differences, mutual disdain, etc. But short of disdain, growth and maturity should make anything overcomeable (MLK did not die for me to butcher his rally cry….oh well), yet, I realize that at the end of the day, the likelihood of being friends with most exes just isn’t in the cards. (There’s also the more simple “I just don’t want to” reason which could probably take care of the entire argument as well).

So here’s my question: is it possible to be REAL friends with an ex? If so, how did you make that happen? If not, is it because sex changes everything…and why does sex change everything any way? VSB…what say you?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I AIN’T CALLING HER SHE STOLE MY BIKE aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

Previously

Next

My Ex and I have been best friends for about 13 years now. We both understood that the sex thing just happened and that the relationship grew from that. Once we stopped screwing around, it was easy to maintain a friendship. He’s a great guy. He got married recently and his wife and I became friends as well.

GypsyCurl

I’m a friendly person and not full of drama so I like to maintain friendships even with exes. I was friends for awhile with my an ex. But he turned out to be just as flakey as a friend but I didn’t let it bother me. Then he spontaneously de-friended me on Facebook. I haven’t spoken to this guy in a year but now he de-friends me. But he is still facebook friends with another ex that he doesn’t talk to.

Another ex of mine said flat out that if we broke up he couldn’t be friends with me. I think guys are more likely to think exes or opposite genders can’t be friends. This line of thought is a baseless mantra.

Rewind

It doesn’t matter the gender, it just matters about the ego. Some people can’t accept the fact that someone can’t be with them, ergo they need to destroy all bridges when things go wrong.

GypsyCurl

The ego is a big factor but I still think gender has an effect. Think of this:

Girls develop ideas about what type of guy they want very early when we are still young and naive. Girls plan their weddings when they are 10 years old. Girls plan how many kids they want and think of girls and boys names. None of these things may happen according to plan but the point is girls are more thoughtful about relationships.

Therefore, (at least in my case) girls put guys in categories. 1. Datable 2. Friendzone 3. Just for fun *wink wink* 4. Husband material AKA The One 5. Etc These categories are deliberate and decided well before the first boyfriend. (And girls usually think the first boyfriend is the one)

Now guys on the other hand decide and categorize women spontaneously and as they go through the dating process.

Rewind

I know the process of relationships is taught at a very early extremely different for both genders. But at a certain point of maturing, a woman has to learn those categories are BS and you have to take people as they come. One day a guy will be Mr. F-U Once & Never Call Again, but next year he could be Mr. Right One For Life depending on his circumstances. People change EVERY SINGLE DAY. So being friends with someone of the opposite sex is still based on who they are and what they offer, not what category you can box them in.

GypsyCurl

Like I said earlier, those plans tend to fail which, i agree with you, may be a consequence of maturity.

However, I am pretty rigid when it comes to MY categories because I am looking you up and down, left and right, listening to what you say and how you say it. I freakin’ analyze everything within the first few moments of meeting a guy. If you start as a friend, that’s where you stay. I haven’t met the the guy that has changed that.

Rewind

I understand you completely, I take people for face value and analyze everything they say and do. But I also keep in mind that they are not me. They don’t think like me, talk like me, want things I want for the same reason as me…in other words I’m aware they are different and will make mistakes. My moms taught me that you don’t hate the person, you hate the behavior, and it took me a long time to realize it but it does make sense. People change, so even if I don’t like them today, tomorrow I might love them, depending on the change.

But I really understand your point.

GypsyCurl

Rewind you make valid points about people making mistakes but I’m not talking about people doing you wrong. When I put people in categories, it’s not because they did something wrong to me. It’s because I know what appeals to me. Ex- I can and will never be attracted to a smoker. They are not a bad person but their lifestyle choice is not mine. On the flip side, I don’t expect every guy to be attracted to me.

A Woman’s Eyes

” But at a certain point of maturing, a woman has to learn those categories are BS and you have to take people as they come. ”

I agree 1000%

JustForToday

I must disagree about such a blanket statement about girls/women prepping so early for marriage. My daughter is 14 and cringes whenever anyone discusses marriage, children, etc. Right now she is all about her music, friends and college. I would not be surprised if she never has kids and maybe never gets married. I have another friend my age who was the same way when we were growing up. I know, things change, but I don’t see it.

A Woman’s Eyes

1 daughter versus a lot of girls her age doesn’t compute.

Rewind

I’m not trying to stereotype the entire female community, but that’s a few individuals vs. millions of others especially in how young boys are raised vs. young girls. Your daughter is her own individual, and that’s great, but that doesn’t mean she won’t share traits that the mass majority of women have.

A Woman’s Eyes

It won’t mean her friends or classmates won’t do the very behaviors that she just isn’t into. Social progamming is VERY REAL when it comes to children.

Rewind

As it is with adults. I’m not disregarding what you’re saying, but I am saying she’s not above following those same behaviors, just because she’s against it right now. Things change. I hope that she won’t fall for that trap though.

http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

“Then he spontaneously de-friended me on Facebook. I havenâ€™t spoken to this guy in a year but now he de-friends me.”

I’ve had that happen to me before. I seriously don’t get it. Oh well.

Rewind

It’s called being a punk beyoooooooootch.

http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

then thank God he isn’t in my life!

J.ivy

Good stuff! I suppose I’m just not the woman that another wants her man being close friends with. Even my purely platonic guy friends’ wives have not been keen on our relationships. None of my exes wives wanna be my friend and my husband has no interest in chilling with my exes. Wonder what makes the difference.

Rewind

Bad experiences in the past for everybody usually is the key.

GypsyCurl

I have the same issue. My best guy friend’s girlfriend is so jealous of me. What makes the situation bad is that he is too much of a P(U)$$Y to tell her to get over it. She does not understand that a 5 year friendship that hasn’t turned into a relationship is never gonna turn into a relationship. I’m 100% not into him like that.

http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

“She does not understand that a 5 year friendship that hasnâ€™t turned into a relationship is never gonna turn into a relationship. ”

For real. This isn’t Hollywood. If it hasn’t happened by now, it most likely won’t.

http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

Key words there are “most likely”.

My daughter’s mother and I, while we’re no longer together, started dating after having known eachother for 10 years.

http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

were you acquaintances or best friends?

GypsyCurl

Good question. My best guy friend and I used to workout together, have lunch (he never paid for my meals), and we worked at the same job (which is where we met). People including my mom thought we were dating just because we are opposite genders. I hate(d) when people do that.

GypsyCurl

“This isnâ€™t Hollywood. ”

Exactly. The guy and girl don’t always fall in love. And love can be unrequited.

A Woman’s Eyes

You are probably too sexy & too friendly for the wives’ comfort level. Or the wives know their husband a bit better than you do, and thus watch their husband around ALL single women friends or exes.

demondog06

yep!

Marcus A.

I think it all depends on why you dated the person in the first place. If you date a guy because he’s a “BAD BOY” I’d say not only can you NOT be friends with him, you probably wouldn’t want to be. BAD BOY equals BAD NEWS. If a guy dates a woman because she’s a “FREAK in bed” he definitely can’t be friends with her. If he’s foolish enough to try, she’ll hold the sex over his head forever. FOREVER!!!

Bebe

Really bad experiences led me to my scorched earth policy. But, yes. I think it’s possible for lots of people and necessary for folks who have kids together.

MissRae

In my opinion ,I think that there is no point in remaining friends with an ex. If I do , it reminds of everything we been through. Whether the relationship ended on good or bad terms, I think it’s best to move on without any contact.

Rewind

Not to pry, but could it ever be possible to relinquish feelings of the relationship and still see the person as a friend? He had to be some kind of friend to you in the relationship.

Nikki

I agree 100%. If there are no ties then why bother. It took my ex husband way too long to accept that’s how it is for me. We didn’t have any kids so there was no reason to keep in touch. Don’t get me wrong. If I ran into him in the street (completely possible since the DC Metro area is so small) I would speak and be social, but I don’t go out of my way to contact him. Honestly, I don’t really think about him outside of reminiscing about funny situations/stories that he just happened to be there for. I deleted him out of my phone. We’re “friends” on Facebook, but I rarely go on there so that’s not an issue. I’m not mad or bitter I’ve just moved on. Can’t take everyone with you.

AfroPetite

*isn’t a mutual friend to either of her ex’s so sits back with TastyKake and coconut milk to let the seasoned folk discuss*

nillalatte

And, why are you not is the question? :)

AfroPetite

I just cannot be mutual friends with the last ex I had. He is an acquaintance and I will remain cordial but we cannot be friends.

A real friend is someone I care for and reciprocates the care I put into them. My ex is extremely selfish which is why we split and I don’t want people like that in my inner circle. I won’t burn the bridge but that doesn’t mean I have to use that bish.

Rewind

If you met someone who was respectful and reciprocated just as well as you did, would you then be friends?

AfroPetite

Most likely. But u can only speculate

Rewind

True indeed.

A Woman’s Eyes

That coconut milk is probably why your skin is so pretty.

That Ugly Kid

Can men and women be friends? Yep. Two of my three bestfriends are women. No, we haven’t smanged, nor do we want to. Despite me acknowledging them as beautiful and them acknowledging me as, much to my chagrin, handsome.

But as far as exes go, I hate all of my exes from 2007 til the present. Well, hate is a strong word. So I’ll use a stronger one. How about, anathema? Yes, they are anathemas to me. The one time I tried to be cordial with an ex, I got f*cked over a second, third, and fourth time. So from that point on, whenever I break up with an ex, I cease all contact. Even though they’ve made multiple attempts to remain friends, I shut them down quick.

Hell, if the person I’m dating is still friends her ex(es), I will have an excruciatingly hard time trusting her. Because old feeling re-emerge and…you know what happens next. To me, being friends with an ex is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch after they set you free.

http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

“To me, being friends with an ex is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch after they set you free.”

Nice. Lol

GypsyCurl

Not true but LMAO!

http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://voodoochile88.tumblr.com/ Craig and Dem

Being friends with an ex is like being sent to a Hell where your choosing still gets you forked

Rewind

I got you TUK. Being friends with a bad ex is like your drug supplier actually waiting for you outside the hospital when you OD.

But still…your exes might have been jerks but I know they haven’t gone that far. My ex faked a pregnancy on me. I went through it bad, then tried to be a bigger person when she came back. She then tried to extort me for money. At that point, I was ready to call a hit man.

That Ugly Kid

“But stillâ€¦your exes might have been jerks but I know they havenâ€™t gone that far.”

And you’re probably right. Compared to what others have experienced, my problems might seem miniscule. But that’s me. The realationship and the ensuing cataclysmic break-up I had back in 2007 hurt me more than anything I’ve felt. So I will go those extra 37 trillion light years to ensure that I never feel that pain again. Ever. Is it really harsh? Maybe. But, this is me protecting myself.

Though I’m not sure I’d know how to go about things if I broke up with someone on “good terms.” It’s never happened before.

GypsyCurl

After reading many of your posts, I get the feeling that you pick the crazy ones. When are you gonna learn? You can’t trust a big butt and a smile.

That Ugly Kid

Truthfully, they’re not even crazy. They just didn’t have any respect for me.

On a different note, none of them, except for one, actually had a big butt. Like…a donk. It was a nice size but it wasn’t big-big, if you get what I’m saying. Which is strange because I’m an azz man, but I keep ending up with females whose most prominent feature were their boobies.

Rewind

I feel you. Back in 02 when was my first heartbreak, and I don’t think I’ve recovered from it 100%, but they say you never recover from the first. Who knows. And true, pain differs from one person to the next but it still hurts no matter what. Only thing I can say to you is you can’t fear pain, you have to accept it. When people fear pain, they become irrational and do horrible things to themselves and others, all in the name of saving their own asses. I’ve done it, and so has EVERYONE ELSE. EVERYONE is guilty of doing this but you have to learn when to break the cycle or you create a path of carnage that will be unrepairable.

demondog06

“No, we havenâ€™t smanged, nor do we want to”

ok i hear ya……but if they wanted you smack out……..would you?

Rewind

Isn’t that the eternal question as a man?

Me personally…hell nah. I am a guy. I am attracted to some of my friends. But I know WAY TOO MUCH FAWKED UP SHYTE about them to ever consider sticking my peen in them. It’s not even that we couldn’t remain friends if we smashed, but it’s that I know all the horrible things they have done with other men, all the horrible things they’ve said, and I wouldn’t think it’s be all of a sudden so different just because it is me.

demondog06

and if you didn’t know these things?

Rewind

Then I’d be stupid and fall for the trap. But that’s the point, cause while sex is fun, it gets complicated when you’re not doing it with the right person who is down with it for the same reason you are.

That Ugly Kid

No. I honestly wouldn’t. One of them admitted that she wanted to back in high school, but she was dating my bestfriend at the time, so that’s why she never attempted anything. I also wanted smang her back then as well (I kid you not, she had one of THE best azzes ever, til this day I’ve seen very few booties that compares to hers back when it was in its prime). So we did what to go at it when we were like 14-15, but after that we’ve moved far beyond that. We’re “True” friends, so to speak.

If she asked me to, I would say no. And vice versa. Funny enough, we agreed that the only time we would have s.e.x is if it were to literally save each other’s life. Like if I was gonna succumb to this magic disease that can be cured by having s.e.x with her, and only her, then she’d do it. But other than that, nah we’re good.

That Ugly Kid

want* to go at it

demondog06

OK i’ll accept that… after all there are no absolutes…….

Yoles

im kind of mad AND sad that her booty prime was in high school and although you guys haven’t even hit 25 yet she is already on a booty downward spiral… what happened???

That Ugly Kid

She got extremely sick, which cause her to lose a bunch of weight. I’m mad that the booty is gone too, but I’m not mad at her because it definitely wasn’t her fault.

A Woman’s Eyes

” To me, being friends with an ex is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch after they set you free. ”

Bahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

by the way, the use of the word anathema made me bust out laughing.

YeahSo

Hmmm… I got one… even tho I don’t belief this, but hey why not?

Being with an ex is like getting fired from/quitting a job you hate and going back as a volunteer.

that’s an interesting parallel. though i dont know that i agree. some folks make terrible partners but are good friends b/c the expectation levels change.

and let’s be real. many women are drawn to assholes. thing is, its cute until that asshole is being exactly who he is all the time and you’re the victim.

but once he’s not responsible for your feelings, it might not be so bad and is purely entertaining.

YeahSo

This is true… and I am definitely drawn to @ssholes, hate dating them, but find them HIGH-larious and usually end-up being friends with them. Good one.

Aly

“is it possible to be REAL friends with an ex?”

Sure. Is it likely? Nah. Here are some other factors that you didn’t mention that would prevent this type of relationship from happening:

A new relationship- Most people aren’t comfortable with their significant other being friends with an ex. On good terms? Definitely, especially if there are kids involved. But the type of friends where you’re talking all of the time, hanging out, etc. would not fly in most relationships.

One person is likely to catch feelings again- It’s hard to keep your feelings in check when there’s a lot of history and memories between two people. (ok, I guess you did mention this one, but it bears repeating, so…)

http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

I agree with your first reason. It can be tricky to maintain a relationship with an ex once one or both of you have someone new around.

Beautifullyhuman

I agree with this because most new spouses aren’t comfortable with that kind of friendship, especially with a former flame, but interestingly, I can also see how having a new relationship can possibly lay the groundwork to actually having a platonic relationship with an ex. If you’re single, you’re more susceptible. However, if both of you are content in new relationships, you can probably get closer to being friends without the extras.

I still don’t trust it though…lol

http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

i think your rational explanation adn then wanton disregard for it due to how you feel is the entire crux of the discussion.

it just doesnt’ feel right to most people.

J.ivy

Zackly! Both very strong points.

Rewind

It’s only hard to keep feelings in check when you’re not keeping yourself in check. Feelings don’t come from nowhere at all, they come from exchange and actions. Actions that lead people to believe things they shouldn’t. You got a point that a new relationship won’t rock well with the idea of an ex as a friend, but only if you can’t prove the point of a friendship. I wouldn’t see that any different than a same-gender friendship, why should your significant other respect your friendship when you can’t prove the point of your friendship?

GypsyCurl

Dang Rewind, you all over this post spitting wisdom. #Checkyourselfboo

Rewind

Haha Gypsy, that’s because I’ve been going through this issue for most of my life, so I spent a lot of time thinking about it. It is hard to be understood when people don’t share your experiences, but I try to find ways to express ideas that anyone can pick up.

http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

I am still friends or friendly with every ex I’ve ever had except one. But maybe it’s a different dynamic since I date women? Maybe it’s different for opposite sex couples?

Or maybe it just depends on the unique relationship between two people and what stage of life they’re in. I would think people in their early 20’s could care less about being friends with exes since they probably haven’t realized yet how valuable (and rare) true friendships are.

Once you get a little older you hate to waste all of that time getting to know each other to then just walk away and never speak again.

Aaron

+1.

Friendships are valuable. Cutting someone off is the equivalent of burning a bridge, to me. Maintaining cordiality, speaking every once in a while: these are necessities, because you never know when you’ll NEED that friend, or one of their friends.

If it was a volatile type of relationship, where you know you will slip, you just take measures to lower tempation. Only communicate via remote, not in person. Keep all your interactions somewhat business-like, catch up on ONLY the basics. No reminiscing allowed. And let them know you have a new situation – they’ll usually respect it and not encroach.

http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

That’s true, you have to handle different exes in different ways. There is one ex I have that if I came within 100 miles of her it would be on. So I’d have to keep her at a very long distance to have a non-physical relationship. Fortunately she’s the one ex that I don’t speak to.

And you are also right about never knowing when you’ll need a friend.

Meisarebel

This.

Rewind

Wish more people could understand this.

https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

I am still friends or friendly with every ex Iâ€™ve ever had except one. But maybe itâ€™s a different dynamic since I date women? Maybe itâ€™s different for opposite sex couples?

Ding, ding, ding! If anything, from your perpsective, I’d be really suspicious of someone trying to holla at you that wasn’t friends with any of their exes. It would make me wonder what the holy f*ck they did to pull that off, and were there axes involved. It’s that level of serious in the lesbian community.

http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

Lol@Todd the lesbian expert

I still think a lot of this is about age, Todd. I’m pretty sure that lesbians in their early 20’s are less likely to maintain friendships with their exes just as str8 women and men are less likely too.

https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

LOL! It’s called being friends with a lot of lesbians in college and having an 18 year old lesbian niece who I occasionally have to talk off a ledge because of various relationship drama. :)

http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

“But maybe itâ€™s a different dynamic since I date women?”

I don’t think so, Val. I’ve known of a few lesbians who just can’t be friends with their exes. Maybe you’re just the type of person who can really compartmentalize and not mix the past with the present. And that’s good!

http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

Yep, ultimately it boils down to the individuals involved no matter if they’re str8 or lesbian and their particular circumstance.

http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

Yep, ultimately it boils down to the individuals involved no matter if theyâ€™re str8 or lesbian and their particular circumstance.

(My other comment is in jail, I hope this one gets through)

http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

It’s possible, but it requires a lot of proper circumstances and a lot of things need to be defined before it turns from possible to probable. Depends not only on the terms the two ended on, but what transpired in the relationship. Depends on what type of friend we’re talking about too. Or we talking about social network friends where we chat online? Or like I see you every so often in real life? Or I see you semi-regularly because we run in the same circles, but we’re doing more than just being civil to one another? Or are we basically like BFFs now?

http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

FREE ME!

That Ugly Kid

You heard the man. Turn him loose!

JustAThought

“To me, being friends with an ex is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch after they set you free.”

Why though? I understand that some people don’t function well in a significant other capacity; but wasn’t there a reason you wanted to become more than friends with this person in the first place? I guess I am wondering if that reason isn’t important enough to want to maintain a friendship after the relationship is over. Maybe not, maybe it depends on the reason, the people-how they’ve changed- and/or what both parties are capable of/willing to do. (Just thinking aloud.)

That Ugly Kid

“but wasnâ€™t there a reason you wanted to become more than friends with this person in the first place? I guess I am wondering if that reason isnâ€™t important enough to want to maintain a friendship after the relationship is over.”

Simple. We really weren’t friends to begin with. We met, liked each other, started out slowly, then eased into a relationship. I have a very low tolerance for bullsh*t. I’d rather not deal with them at all. Because seeing them, hearing them, thinking of them, being contacted by them at all just reminds me of bad memories which, subsequently, induces rage. Even if I think about the tons of good memories we had, the fact that they ruined all that infuriates me even more. I like to be happy and have a good time. If the memory of you threatens that, I’d rather not deal with you all. My mental and emotional health comes first.

Rewind

But you already said it. There was no friendship in the relationship, ergo no foundation. So of course if it’s over and it’s ugly, you have no reason to look backwards.

Lola’s Mambo

@Rewind: You got one more time to use the word “ergo.” Your quota for the day has been met! LOL

http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

“Simple. We really werenâ€™t friends to begin with.”

That’s really it, in my opinion. I don’t think I can be friends with an ex if we were never really friends to begin with.

That Ugly Kid

â€œbut wasnâ€™t there a reason you wanted to become more than friends with this person in the first place? I guess I am wondering if that reason isnâ€™t important enough to want to maintain a friendship after the relationship is over.â€

Simple. We really werenâ€™t friends to begin with. We met, liked each other, started out slowly, then eased into a relationship. I have a very low tolerance for bullsh*t. Iâ€™d rather not deal with them at all. Because seeing them, hearing them, thinking of them, being contacted by them at all just reminds me of bad memories which, subsequently, induces rage. Even if I think about the tons of good memories we had, the fact that they ruined all that infuriates me even more. I like to be happy and have a good time. If the memory of you threatens that, Iâ€™d rather not deal with you all. My mental and emotional health comes first.

A Woman’s Eyes

” wasnâ€™t there a reason you wanted to become more than friends with this person in the first place? I guess I am wondering if that reason isnâ€™t important enough to want to maintain a friendship after the relationship is over.”

Lust and sex have often been my reasons for wanting to be more than friends. Friends don’t fyuck each other. More than friends, but not each other’s man/woman.

A Woman’s Eyes

Although I’ve jumped in relationships from lust to relationship & they lasted awhile.

Rewind

True. It is all circumstantial.

b sweet

Friends is more than a label for someone who’s guts you don’t hate. Friendship in the true sense of the word is a consistent and indefinite investment-of time, energy, emotional connection, resources. Men have limitations that don’t allow them to foster this deep of a connection with many, and women generally foster this connection with women and with their lover.
Most of the time when people are referring to being ‘friends’ with an ex, it’s basically a blanket statement assigned to a feeling that includes not wanting to throw your phone when you see their name across the screen, wanting to stab them in the street, or wanting to get back with/have sex with them.
How do you define being ‘friends’ with an ex-the investment I mentioned above, or finally being over the relationship?

Aly

“Men have limitations that donâ€™t allow them to foster this deep of a connection with many”

I disagree. I think men are more likely to create and maintain long term friendships. In my experience, men are more loyal to their friends and don’t let petty stuff get in the way.

b sweet

I think men are loyal also. I acknowledge that there are different definitions of friendship. I think the basis of male/male friendships is camaraderie and the basis of female/female relationships is a bit deeper. Men don’t have the emotional intelligence women have to foster many deep, emotional connections. It would seem like a challenge for a man to keep that going with women from his past and his present.
I’m also a firm believer that men and women aren’t meant to be friends, so be warned my opinion will reflect said bias.

https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

Men have limitations that donâ€™t allow them to foster this deep of a connection with many, and women generally foster this connection with women and with their lover.

I call shenanigans on this quote. Men do foster those deep sort of connections, and they’re probably deeper than women’s connections. The reason they’re fewer is that it requires a lot of interaction and going through a lot of things to get there. Women will bond over a nice bag and a pair of high heels (though to be fair, said bad and heels projects a LOT of info out to women, thus speeding along the process). Men need shared sacrifice and teamwork to build those same connections. I’m not saying one is better than the other as much as they’re both different from each other in set-up and just as meaningful.

b sweet

I’m not saying one is better than the other either Todd. Many of you have admitted having these limitations. I’m not saying it can’t be overcome, but it is there.

Rewind

You’re stereotyping. Being emotionally sound has nothing to do with being a man or woman, it’s just simply maturity. If you’re experienced enough in understanding your emotions, then you recognize the bonds you make people and the worth attached to those bonds. Many people, regardless of gender, lack that maturity.

b sweet

“Because most men were never taught how to deal with their emotions, so communicating verbally will not be our cup of tea, but producing results will be.”

You’re EXACT quote from yesterday, Rewind. That’s all I was saying. Not being emotionally sound, just emotional intelligence. As a gender, that class was purposely cut from your life curriculum. Not saying you can never attain the skill, it just presents with a limitation

Rewind

Hmm..ok. I see your point, maybe I read it wrong.

I just giggled at you using my own logic to shut me down. Now we gotta be buddies.

http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

BAM!

Rewind

*bear hugs Keisha*

b sweet

You >>><<< I are here Rewind!
*extends buddy fist pump*
Just giving you a friendly reminder :)

http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

Also, the reason people believe coitus changes everything is because we place such a high value on things like virginity and body count. This culture likes to talk about everything involving s*x except STD/STIs, pregnancy, or having something mutually enjoyable for both partners. So really we’re obsessed with the IDEAS of s*x rather than people actually actually having it.

AfroPetite

+1

Reminds me of a woman who was selling off her virginity to the highest bidder a few years back. I believe it went for close to a million if I’m not mistaken.

MJoy

This is PURE genius

AfroPetite

I’m not sure I’d ever have been bold enough to do such a thing. The guy who won was probably decrepit and the owner of a 2 inch paynis when fully erect. But I guess for the money it wouldn’t matter lol

Meisarebel

Agreed.

Too many factors come into it. And on some level, we’re all susceptible to the “idea of sex.” Whether it’s pride, an emotional bond, vulnerablility or exclusiveness, sex will always change the facet of a relationship on one level or the other. Negatively or positively.

http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

Not for me. Sex rarely changes how I feel about the person either way. Probably because I don’t make sex more than what it is. Start adding too much “should” to sex among non married people, and you’re setting yourself up for confusion.

A Woman’s Eyes

+1

MJoy

+2

http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

+100

Sex is important and it is great, but it really isn’t what society makes it out to be. It really isn’t that serious.

http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

so very true. good point.

Rewind

All that stuff is true but still, on an individual basis, the option is up to you and the other person, not the rest of the world. So regardless of sex, if both of you are beyond letting your egos doing the talking, then you transcend those stereotypes and still have a bond.

Aaron

Panama pulled the pin out the grenade, tossed it in the room, and sat back to watch the carnage with this one.

I say (and this is such a copout) it depends.

That’s right, I said it. It depends on a great many factors, not the least of which is: define friend. Yeah. I think you gotta start with what that means before anything else.

b sweet

I agree with defining the word friend. I’m one of those people who takes the word seriously. I don’t use it as a blanket word for anyone who isn’t a stranger.

I disagree with this edit. That would be FWB. You always have the potential to move to the level of Lovers because at the FWB stage there is always potential. It is not a stagnant level. Not in my opinion anyways.

Breezy

+ 2 My first thought was define “friend” too.

Rewind

It’s so strange that you can hardly find two people with the same definition of the word “friend” in the same room together.

http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

Ok, so define emotional attachment.

Rewind

Any kind of attachment related to sentimental memories or experiences towards an object, person, or choice. That’s my definition.

For instance, I have an emotional attachment to Promise by Jagged Edge cause of something me and my first girlfriend talked about.

nillalatte

Oh man, I live my life by memories that are linked to songs. I can tell you where I was and who I was with based on songs that were popular and related to my relationships. Like, okay, this goes way back, but every time I hear Slow Jam by Midnight Starr… or Secret Lovers by Atlantic Star… or For You I Will by Monica… OMG… those memories are vivid. smdh

Rewind

Cause we are all sappy like that. Songs are like greeting cards, you love to find the one that best expresses how you feel and then tell another person “aye look with this other person said that’s exactly how I feel about you”

A Woman’s Eyes

+1 yep Define “friend” PJack

YeahSo

Agreed…

That was definitely a copout… lol nah, you’re right. Different situations bring different ramifications.

http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

lol. i dont think i lobbed a grenade. more like an English dinner napkin.