Posh and Becks in a quandary

June 12 2003By Oliver Pritchett

Although it is reported that Manchester United has accepted a bid from Barcelona for David Beckham, observers believe his wife is sceptical about the move and still wishes to keep their options open. This is a speech by Victoria Beckham yesterday:

"Some months ago I set out the five tests which would have to be met before I concluded that it was in David's interest to sign up to a foreign club: unfettered access to shops; flexibility in the timing of matches to allow for attendances at parties, film premieres, etc; convergence with Elton John's social plans; a sustainable shoe retail sector within easy reach; stability for Brooklyn and potential for growth for Romeo.

"I have been conducting painstaking research into the economies of the various countries where David might agree to play soccer.

"Los Angeles, a near neighbour to the west of the United States, has been the latest country we have visited on our fact-finding tour. The economy here is based on the production of talk shows and the currency is the Platinum Visa.

"The country is divided into malls and the climate is temperate air-conditioning for most of the year. The national dish is hot water with lemon grass.");document.write("

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"Although in principle I am in favour of a move to Los Angeles, there is some uncertainty about the president of that country, Ms Winfrey, whose weight has shown some tendency to fluctuate.

"The main industry of Brazil is bikini waxing. The president is Pele who has only one name, like Madonna. His main policy is to help Brazilian men overcome their problems with their virility. The national dish is three coffee beans on a bit of lettuce. The language would present no problem. The Brazilians simply add 'inho' to the end of every word so that a man called Ronald becomes Ronaldinho. Thus, in Brazilian, a suitcase is a 'Vuittoninho'.

"I believe David could benefit from playing in Brazil, but he might feel embarrassed when meeting President Pele - because of the you-know-what.

"Africa is a very fashionable place with many icons flocking there, such as Bob Geldof, so we would be very much at home. The only problem is that last time David was there, Nelson Mandela (the King of Africa) failed to make a clear and unambiguous statement about David's new hairstyle.

"In principle, I am committed to David playing for Africa, but the time is not yet right. It would be prudent to wait until Elton has got a villa there.

"The thing about Spain is that it is a very genuine country - which is why the capital is called Real Madrid. It has come on by leaps and bounds since the dictator Julio Iglesias was overthrown. It has loads of tapas bars, which shows that it is as up-to-date as Manchester. So it fulfils the criterion of modernisation.

"The language is the same as Brazil except you add 'os' instead of 'inho' to the end of every word. Thus, in Spanish, a suit is 'Armanios'. The national dish is three peas, eaten very late at night. The national shoe is Manolo Blahnik. Barcelona's must-have designer is Gaudi.

"My conclusion is that the customs of Spain have not sufficiently converged with those of England and that David could get a bit stressed if he was presented with the ear of a bull every time he scored a goal.

"Milan is in Italy and meets one of the crucial principles underpinning my decision: unfettered access to shops. It also passes the test of compatibility, since its full name is A C Milan, which means that it is suitable for British electrical appliances, such as hairdryers.

"The national diet is three borlotti beans on a piece of lettuce and the inhabitants of the country are called paparazzi. I intend to campaign vigorously for Milan. In the meantime, I conclude that che must remain sera sera."