Some were numb, some still detoxing, some only there because it’s what they were supposed to do. For some, there was hope. For others, it was a last ditch effort. For some, it just was.

Later that evening, after the program, one young girl sobbed the pain of having her alcoholic father scream at her that very afternoon, yelling at her to, “Shut the @#!* up!” when she tried to explain why the person giving her a ride to visit him could only stay two days and not the three he demanded. He’d ended the call telling her not to come at all, that he was done.

Between sobs, the young girl pleaded, “How does a father do this? How can a father threaten to cut his daughter out of his life for something over which she has no control? And I know he’ll do it, and I don’t want that. God, I hate this @#!*ing shit – he’s been doing this my whole life! How does a father do this!?!?!”

It was that young girl, especially, who tore my heart open. They all do to some degree. But sometimes there’s one that really hits me harder than others, for one reason or another. After decades of my own experiences with family members and friends who abused or were dependent on alcohol, a decade of my own secondhand drinking recovery work and years of trying to help others on both sides of this family disease, I think it was her raw, gut-wrenching, core-stripping pain that left me crushed by my powerlessness to help her in that moment. It took me back to my own moments of that kind of pain.

So I wrapped her in my arms. She let me and then wrapped me back. And I held her tight, while she sobbed through her rage and her pain. But I had no words. There are no words at times like that because there are no words that can possibly touch the pain and make sense of the nightmare.

But when I got home, I wrote this post in the hopes that she will read it someday, when her pain is less raw, on a day when she will be able to let these words into her heart – actually into her brain – because it’s in her thoughts that words such as these must sink in order for her to ease her pain.

Six Suggestions to Shatter the Shame of Addiction

1. Know it is not your Dad – the real person he was before his disease corrupted the very neural networks and neural network opportunities he needs to show you, his daughter, the love, respect, understanding, pride and joy you so rightly deserve. He has a brain disease – one that is difficult to understand without understanding the disease.

2. Know it is not You – his daughter – you are the anyone or anything that interacts with his diseased brain that is now missing most of its normal functionality. It is not You – his daughter. The decades of chemical and structural changes that have occurred as a result of his disease make it so he cannot, nor will he ever, be the Dad you want him to be as long as he drinks any amount of alcohol and does not treat his disease. You are sadly the unwitting partner in The Dance of the Family Disease of Addiction.

3. Know neither you nor your Dad is alone. Your dad is one of the 23.2 million Americans struggling with addiction – of which only 10% seek treatment. You are one of the one in four children who live with a family member’s alcohol abuse or alcoholism. Yet this disease is so shrouded in secrecy and shame, we often feel alone and struggle to sort and live through the host of conflicting emotions that comes with this Family Disease.

4. Understand that all you can do to help your Dad is to help yourself. Believe it or not, this will break the cycle because your exchanges are a cycle – they are “The Dance.” More importantly, it will help you live a sane and joyful life in spite of your Dad’s untreated brain disease. This help can be through therapy work with a counselor trained in addiction and its impacts on family members, a 12-step program for family members, mindfulness practices, and believe it or not, nutrition, exercise and sleep. On this route, you will meet people who know the road you’ve traveled and are trained and/or have the personal experiences and recovery that can support you in your journey. Above all know – you are powerless over his brain on alcohol.

To begin this journey, I encourage you to learn more about the disease of addiction from the resources listed in #1.

5. And when you can – when you are able – Forgive. Forgive him because he knows what he’s doing and hates himself for not being able to control his drinking, for not remembering but knowing something bad must have happened, for not having any friends, no job and only estranged family ties. He hates himself because he cannot, for whatever reason, take the necessary steps to start treating his disease – likely because of the secrecy and shame that still surrounds it.

Forgive him to set yourself free, and know, that forgiveness does not mean erasing the pain or accepting the behavior. It means letting go of the hope of a different past and a different outcome. Your Dad has a brain disease – a disease that robs him of his capability to think, feel, say and do the things a father does when that father does not have this disease. Forgive.

6. Know there is always hope. This brain disease can be successfully treated and people can live happier lives in recovery. To learn more about people who are doing this, today, check out:

…know that I’m here and will do what I can to help you find resources and information. My confidential email is lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com and my confidential voice mail is 650-362-3026. There is no charge.

And to anyone else reading this post, who find themselves in a similar situation, I extend the same offer to you.

Author of nine books, including "If You Loved Me, You'd Stop!" and "Quick Guide to Addiction Recovery: What Helps, What Doesn't," and hundreds of articles, Lisa Frederiksen is a national keynote speaker, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com.
She has spent more than 12 years researching, writing, speaking and consulting on substance misuse prevention, intervention and treatment; mental illness; addiction as a brain disease; effective co-occurring disorders' treatment; secondhand drinking | drugging; help for the family and related subjects – all centered around 21st century brain and addiction-related research.
In 2015, she founded SHD Prevention, providing training and consulting to companies and public agencies to address the workplace impacts of secondhand drinking - the other side of alcohol misuse - something that affects up to 40% of a workforce and costs hundreds of thousands dollars each year in absenteeism, safety risks, health care expenses, distraction and poor performance costs.

14 Responses to The Shame of Addiction

Thank you, Lisa! You have such love and compassion. These are the qualities that addicts and family members need. I love your posts. I refer my clients to your website to see non-judgmental information/education and hope.
With Gratitude,
Kate Bartenhagen, LMFT

Thank you Lisa, for that really important and yet gut wrenching story. You wrote it so beautifully. Shame – it’s such a crippling thing. Shame thrives and flourishes with secrecy and then subsequently seems to deepen over time. Thanks for doing all you do to shatter the shame. Hopefully some day we can all learn to lift the secrecy and therefore let the shame out the dark so that we can see addiction, etc. for what is really is, and then treat it properly!!

Thank you, Leslie, for this heart-warming compliment. And, I agree, when we finally lift the shame, we will be able to move light-years ahead in the treatment – and, as importantly, in the prevention – of this horrific family disease.

This really hits home for anyone who has lived with an alcoholic. It reminded me of the period when my husband relapsed and how horrific our family life became. Reading this suddenly made me realise that I had been filled with such shame because of his behaviour. Even though it wasn’t my fault I somehow managed to carry not just my burden of shame but his too.
I love your suggestions Lisa. They are empowering and I know that they work!
Thank you!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Carolyn, and it’s great to hear you’ve found the suggestions worked for you, as well. I so appreciate you talking about this – all of us sharing our experiences of coming out the other end can hopefully help others see a way out.

Another great post with amazing information. Thank you for writing this, I am passing this along to someone I know who needs it. Great resources here as well as compassion and comfort. Wonderful! So glad I found your website!

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Testimonials

—Cool! Wow! Amazing! At 6 years old, this is how I described my first experience on a “Slip N Slide.” This is as close as I can get to communicating my excitement with Lisa Frederiksen’s presentation on “Secondhand Drinking (SHD)—The Other Side Of Alcohol Misuse” in Houston this month. Lisa breaks down the vicious cycle of abuse, violence, and tragedy, which are all components of Secondhand Drinking. I am excited because Lisa identifies the suffering of family members who are directly affected by SHD, and then outlines a prevention strategy to inform, educate, and take a stand against dangerous drinking behaviors. How many of us have been affected by drunk drivers, for example? My cousin lost her life to one. It affected not only her through the tragic loss of life, but effects rippled through the family—mom, dad, and sister, whose lives will forever be changed. How many wives and children hide or become scarce when daddy is drinking? Lisa’s message is life-changing and life-affirming!

Lisa Frederiksen is a dynamic speaker who has a great depth of knowledge about her subject matter. Her Secondhand Drinking presentation at our event was outstanding and very well received. Many of the conference evaluations listed Lisa as the most valuable part of the event. Lisa’s Secondhand Drinking model is as refreshing and inspirational as it is easily understood and straightforward in its application. I am optimistic that many lives can be positively influenced by her transformative work. We are already working to have Lisa return to Houston as a keynote speaker for our 2016 Texas Association of Addiction Professionals (TAAP) Houston Conference.

A thoughtful, well-researched, and highly accessible review of the neurobiology of addiction. Lisa Frederiksen captures this exciting and developing field of science with clarity, compassion and hope.

Catherine M. Bitler, Ph.D., FACN

This was the best lecture I’ve heard while I’ve been here. I don’t feel so scared; more like I’m going to make it. Thank you.

Recovering Alcoholic

I can’t thank you enough. I learned so much. I can’t tell you how much this helped.

Family Member of an Addict in Treatment

I’ve been through four treatment programs and this is the best lecture I’ve heard – for the first time I understand.

Recovering Alcoholic

For my son to hear [Lisa] was invaluable because now he knows I wasn’t a freak, just a desperate person trying to make sense of what was going on in my world/mind.

Spouse of an Alcoholic

You saved my life. Really. You saved my life.

Recovering Heroin Addict

Having a Master’s of Science degree in a counseling field that covers rehabilitation counseling, I was very impressed with Crossing the Line from Alcohol Use to Abuse to Dependence. By writing the material in such a concise manner and backing it up with resources, including a link to the author’s site, this book is the perfect tool for those who are in need of this information. Read More…

Paige Lovitt, BlogCritics.org Book Review on seattlepi.com

I had the opportunity to hear Lisa’s presentation on Second Hand Drinking (SHD) at the 2013 National Police Athletic League Conference. The concept of SHD was new to me, and her research educated and moved me personally. I knew excessive amounts of alcohol was harmful to self, but Lisa’s research on the set standard of an alcohol abuser and the negative impacts of SHD on family, friends and co-workers was a life changing moment for me. Knowing others could benefit from Lisa’s research, she will be presenting her research to KCPD employees and employees of surrounding law enforcement agencies. I highly recommend her research to everyone and any agency looking to address alcohol abuse and the negative effects of SHD.

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