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Topic: The day I found out I was HIV+ I went home and..... (Read 12011 times)

Not sure why I am starting this thread, but I am just home watchin TV and thinkin about stuff at the moment..I figured I would share what I did right after I left the health department, where I found out thru a rapid test that I was HIV+..I had engaged in risky behavior that made me think I could be infected, but it took me months to actually get the guts to go get tested..so the evening of January 12th 2008 I went to the county health depts STD clinic for a confidential rapid test (as some of you know from my recent posts, I am closeted from family so I had no one to go with me) I told them what I was there for..paid the $20 and got my blood drawn..Waited the longest 20 min of my life and was called back to the same room where they told me I was positive..I didn't cry at first, I was just in shock I think..I was then taken to 2 different rooms where different people were talking to me..Gave the names of all recent sexual partners etc etc..They gave me a list of doctors in my area and then I was free to go..I was in my car goin down the freeway at 70mph and that's when I started crying..I knew I couldn't tell anyone right off the bat..I composed myself a while later..Pulled into Best Buy and purchased my favorite movies..The Back To The Future trilogy..Went home and watched them all, and pretended everything was ok..My the end of the last movie it was 3am so I took 2 sleeping pills and went to sleep..The next day I made an appt for a doc and quit smoking..And scrolled the Internet all day about my new disease and learned so much about what I was once ignorant about..I learned to put myself at ease about it, knowing that I just needed to care for myself from hear on out..Anyone else care to share what they did on that day they found out?

I was handed my test result by a random stranger at the window counter of the lab. There was no doctor. No counsellor! Nada. It was just me all by myself left to digest this. I was absolutely livid. Can you fucking believe that??!

The next day I noticed that report had this written in small print:- “If any test results are unexpected or alarming please ring such and such no. for professional counselling and further testing if required.”

I went home shell shocked but not particularly surprised at what I figured was coming considering I had been going through a bunch of AIDS related illnesses and symptoms. I was fine through the day but cried myself to sleep thinking I had ruined my life permanently and that my imminent death was on the horizon.

..I didn't cry at first, I was just in shock I think...I was in my car goin down the freeway at 70mph and that's when I started crying..I knew I couldn't tell anyone right off the bat..I composed myself a while later..Pulled into Best Buy and purchased my favorite movies..The Back To The Future trilogy..Went home and watched them all, and pretended everything was ok..

The news came in dribbles for me, as I was identified in seroconversion and was very sick. When I finally got the last confirmation, I did as you, shopped for some little comforting thing I liked and slugged through the day and following weeks. Oh, and quit smoking. Only to start a year later again.

« Last Edit: July 01, 2011, 07:49:35 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I remember sitting in my doctor's office when he gave me the news -- he never called me back with my test results, so I dropped by his office myself to get them. I remember the nurse bringing me into the doctor's actual *office*, not an exam room, so of course I knew what the results were. He seemed more upset than I did, and provided me with a referral to probably the only infectious disease specialist in Binghamton, N.Y.

I left the office, got in my car, and when I got home I cried for a long time. Then I pulled myself together, visited my friend Tom, who in retrospect did a pretty decent job of consoling me. Then I went home, and went to bed. The next day I got up, went in to work, and called to make an appointment with the ID specialist.

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

oh wow.interesting thread. kind of opportune for me personally as yesterday was my one year diagnosis.i refuse to call it a anniverssary as anniversary's are supposed to be happy rememberances this most certainly was not.

i had called my dr on the monday before my physical asking for my lab work to be faxed to me. i always had this done before i met with him so i could look it over on my time and then make a list of questions. plus i was sort of curious about the hiv test in a way. his nurse called back and said they could nt send them becase something was nt in yet. i later learned everything was in but they didnt want to send that positive result to me by fax.

so i get to appt, he comes in,looks at me weird and says first off is thier a reason why you wanted the hiv test? so my heart dropped a little, and then i thought he asked me that cause ok were gonna have the im gay talk. i said no not really,i was feeeling tired and told the lady to test me for everything under the sun and that was just another test.he said well it came back positive.im like wtf?? you lieing bastard! i said it was impossible no fucking way.no fucking way. and then i said an odd thing "ok good now you can give me steroids cause dont all hiv people get steroids and now i can have them legally" he looked at me like i had five heads. that statement was just another statement illustrating how little i knew about this disease.i sat there in silence and then left. what pisses me off is that i had to leave and wait in life for my fucking 25 dollar co pay. arey you serious? my life was fucked and i gotta sit in this line? i should have just bolted out of there. so i got in my car. stunned silence.auto piolet really. called my bf and told him to meet me at my house. i called out of work. he met me right away i told him the news,we both broke down. he called out of work.we went to health dept to a- get him a rapid test b- i still didnt beleive them about mine so took on too.his came back neg mine pos. it was then real for me. he called my dr to get me ativan to calm me downi then went lunch and said i want to tell my parents now.i summoned them, they were releived it " was only this" as they thought i had something worse. to me at that time there was nothing worse.took my ativan went home and layed in bed overwelming myself on this shit. then i cant believe i did this.worked out with my trainer like i did every day. i didnt even take a day off from the gym. wtf?then i went ate dinner and drank with my bf and tried to pass out. terrible fucking day.

I was sick as a dog at the time I went back to get my final results. Actually my dr's PA came in and gave me the news, she was really great and made me feel at ease, then my doctor came in and told me it was going to be ok. I was so sick, they then took more blood for genotype and VL/CD4 count which I almost passed out from. I was extremely dehydrated from being sick so I had to sit in that chair with the needle in my arm forever. It seems when you are dehydrated you're blood doesn't come out quick. I then went home and fell asleep, the next day I was like 'what just happened'. Still have only told a few friends so in the same boat as AC, still haven't told the folks and not sure that I will at this point.

At about 10pm on Tuesday, February 20, 2001, I had a knock on my door - it was guy I knew locally shouting that my (ex at the time) boyfriend had given his girlfriend hiv. I'd already been hearing rumours around town that she'd been diagnosed with hep B, so I put his ranting down to his extremely inebriated state causing him to be confused over what she'd been diagnosed with.

The very next morning, Wednesday, February 21, 2001, I received a letter from the local GUM clinic saying they needed me to come in ASAP for follow-up testing for a visit from two years before. (I tested for hep C at the GUM in 1999, my only other contact with the clinic.) After what happened the night before I started thinking.... what if what the irate drunk said was true??? So I rang the clinic and was told they wanted me in as soon as possible, before noon, but wouldn't tell me why. I told them the next bus into town wouldn't get me there until past 1pm, so they insisted on sending a taxi for me. Woo-boy, this is sounding serious.

I got there at about 11:20 and they hurriedly told me I'd been named as a possible contact for hiv infection and they needed to get my blood to their lab asap so the results would be ready the next day. To say I was shell-shocked would be an understatement and I have no idea what I did for the next few hours, other than doing a lot of talking with a few different nurses. I remember them seeming to think my result being positive was a given, even though the results would not be in until the next morning.

By the time I left the clinic it was nearly 5pm. My (then) bf's house was in walking distance, so that's where I went. He was living with his parents at the time (they were elderly, he was looking after them) but he wasn't home from work yet. I went into the kitchen to wait for him because I couldn't face his parents - didn't want them to notice the state I was in.

When my partner got home, I told him pretty much what I just told you all. He too was stunned, but the first thing he did was to ring his boss to say an emergency had come up and he needed the next two days off.

Telling him was really difficult. It had been hard enough to tell him that I had hep C when we first started dating eighteen months previously. Even though he took the hep C news well and stuck by me, I thought hiv might be the proverbial straw that broke the relationship's back. But he had to know and I knew the sooner I told him, the better.

That night of the 21st/22nd was a long one. I don't think I got a wink of sleep not only wondering if I was poz, but also wondering if my partner would be too. He stayed at my house that night and he slept like a baby. I don't think it was very real for him yet at that point.

He went with me the next morning (Feb 22) to get my results - positive. Every single band on the antibody test was reactive. They took more blood, saying it was more of a formality than anything because of how reactive my test was, but they wanted (had) to re-do my antibody and confirm it with a WB and they also wanted extra vials for all the other usual suspects - CD4s, VL, CBC, you name it. I consider February 22 to be my "official" diagnosis day. D-Day for short.

They also tested my partner. He wasn't very optimistic, but I knew he had at least a 50/50 chance of being ok. He even wanted to tell his (adult) son that night, but I persuaded him to wait for his results. I also wanted time to digest the news on my own first, and if he also tested poz, I wanted time for us to figure out where that left us as a couple before we brought other people into the equation.

We went back again on the Friday morning and sure enough, my confirmatory tests were also positive, again with all bands on both tests being reactive. Can't get much more positive than that! I was told I'd have to wait for the rest of my blood results (I had no idea what they might be at the time) until I saw the specialist and an appointment was made for a week or so later.

Thankfully, my partner tested negative. He continued to test negative throughout the rest of our eight year relationship. We never used condoms before my diagnosis, but we did after.

Those first few weeks are a blur, particularly before I found AIDSmeds.com the first week of March or so. I found the Lessons here before my first doctor appointment and so I had an idea of what to ask about (CD4s, VL) and what the results would mean. My first appointment was with an hiv doctor they import from Manchester to the island once a month, but it was obvious we weren't going to be a good fit and I got referred to another doctor at the Royal in Liverpool.

When I asked my first doctor what my CD4 and VL counts were, he said "you don't need to know any of that, I'll take care of it for you". BULLSHIT! Then I asked him what were the implications of being coinfected with hiv and hep C and again he wouldn't answer my questions. I started getting stroppy and he gave me the referral, implying that I was a difficult patient and he was going to set me up with a difficult doctor. It was the best thing he could ever have done for me - I absolutely LOVE the doctor I have at the Royal - I call him "The Wizard of Poz".

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

It was September 13, 2008, I was actually at an event and was there to present an award to my former supervisor. They had a bunch of vendors and various booths set up - a kind of "festival" atmosphere. I saw that the health department testing bus was there offering free rapid HIV tests.

While I had been tested approximately 3 months before that date - I decided to go ahead and get tested again rather than wait to get tested a couple of months later (I tested regularly since I was in a serodiscordant relationship and we didn't always practice safe sex). I got the "finger stick" done. Went outside and conversed with some professional colleagues..... after 20 minutes, I went back in.... the tester called in the nurse - and they both informed me that my test had been reactive and that they would need to do a confirmation blood test.

I got the blood test done - went back outside - called my partner at the time, called my parents, called my brothers and sister and gave them the preliminary "heads up" about my results...... I then got up on stage and presented the award to my former boss - while keeping a smile on my face the whole time (and inside scared and crying).

I went to the health department two weeks later and got my official results - POSITIVE. Scheduled my follow up labs and doctor visit - and the rest, as they say, is history....

I never had an HIV+ diagnosis. I waited for AIDS! I remember dying in the hospital around 1990 and the doctor explaining what was happening. No shit, I had suspected for many years but continued on with business as usual. The one aspect that will forever be bored into my mind was a hospital priest standing over me talking in gibberish and I objected. I'm NOT Catholic! All my organs had shut down and my 110 lb frame had a beautiful shade of orange. They didn't want to provide any pains meds because it would potentially affect my liver.

My mother was sitting there telling me what I had to do to beat this disease and in my naivety, I obeyed her since I was still quite young. You had to listen to your momma in those days. Other than that, I don't remember a lot about the early 90's. I am pretty sure I survived them though.

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Complacency is the enemy. Challenge yourself daily for maximum return on investment.

I was tested at my local health dept. the first week HIV testing was made available . I thought it was the responsible thing to do . The nurse refused to do the test so the administrator of the health dept did the test in her office , she was very apologetic that her staff was so rude and told me that her staff had no idea that HIV was here to stay and that it was going to be part of they're job and she was going to have to do allot of educating of her staff as well as the community .

Two weeks later she called me to her office and told me it was positive and that I was the first one in my county to test at that site as positive . I was told to use condoms for sex and not tell anyone about my test results . She put me in touch with a friend of hers that was a doctor . I'm am still friends with that doctor and we take vacations and travel together on occasions . If my math is correct that was over 26 years ago . At the time I was told I may could live a year .

I've never had a positive antibody test. In August 2009 I got a rash on my face, went into Kaiser Oakland to get an HIV test, which came back negative. I wanted a viral load test. The doc said that since my exposure was oral sex it wasn't warranted and sent me home. The next day I paid for a private VL test at Lab Corp. They called back in about 10 days (I was in the car) and said I was poz. I went back to Kaiser and took another AB Test, which was negative. But VL was about 1 million. I was in the "window period".

I came home, told my (now ex) partner of 20 years. Didn't go well. Kaiser ID doc suggested I participate in an early intervention study called "Options" at SF General -- they were looking for people newly infected or in the window period. Decided to go on meds right away to keep T-Cells up. My partner got tested and was neg.

My case worker at Kaiser also recommended a book - "Cruise Control" by Robert Weiss about sexual addiction -- I had been doing a lot of oral sex. Kind of embarrassing to admit. I, uh, went off to a 30-day program to deal with sexual compulsion. It took a while, but I finally got that under control. Now, about 2 years from my infection / diagnosis, I'm back on my feet.

Went back to work, cut the health visitor short, she was blathering on and I had a meeting, later went home, told me man and we screwed for ages without condoms, since we now shared an extra bit of protein, was kinda intense.

It was March 10th of 2010 around 5:30PM. I rolled over in my hospital bed and had a quiet moment alone before telling my family. The doctor that announced the news to me was quick to leave the room after I asked him if I was going to die (his response to that question was 'I dont know'). He was not comfortable conversing with me so he chose to bolt out the door as soon as he could.

yho its my first time to be on this site but my boyfriend is been telling me to join his hiv negative and his a member.it was 2006 i was very sick i went to the hospital and i was admitted they tested me positive i didn't believe the doctor when he was telling me i remember laying on the bed and saw my boyfriend coming in to visit me and i told him straight away from that time i wasn't myself i was very sick in hospital for 4 months and forgeting things bt all in all my bf is been supportive from that time till now and his the only one who knows about my status as I'm not that close to my mother.

I'm happy now taking good care of myself and my boyfriend knows a lot about hiv/aids and now i joyed the site too.

I found out in my hospital bed. Doc came in told me asked if I had any questions and left. I was shell-shocked. Nurse came in we talked, I felt a little better but remember thinking death was on the horizon. Slowly, more docs came in, one from MD Anderson Cancer Center that really set me straight on this disease and how effectively it could be managed. He was right, we have it under control but not before some very rough adjustment periods to meds and so on. I physically did not feel better for close to a month.

**I felt a little better but remember thinking death was on the horizon.

I want to expound upon this a bit. Even though I remember thinking I was going to die, I wasn't scared. Not sure if it was being shell-shocked or what but the fear of death didn't start until I began my adjustment to the meds and felt like I was dying...for real. Now that I think back about that adjustment, it was living hell. I was so thin, (140 lbs), normally 180, I couldn't keep my levi's skinny jeans up. I would have to sit down to get dressed to keep from getting winded. A walk across the living room wore me out, I couldn't walk to the mail-box. This adjustment took about three weeks (for the meds to quit messing with me) but the fatigue lasted about 3 months and within 6 months, my weight was back in the normal range. (Sorry, I know this is running on but it's all coming back.)

« Last Edit: July 01, 2011, 06:09:05 PM by drewm »

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Diagnosed in May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

TRIUMEQ - VALTREX - FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE - PRAVASTATIN - CIALIS

Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

4pm: the lady at the test centre just gave me my results in front of everyone and when I became hysterical she calmly told me it was not the place for me to be hysterical. I was not offered counseling. When I could calm myself down, I went to the end of a long corridor at the test centre away from people who were staring at me, and I called my mum. She told me I will always be her daughter and that she loved me HIV or not. Then I called my then boyfriend..he of course denied being positive and passing it to me. After that call, I walked home in a daze.

6pm:When I got to my room at the student hostel, I locked the door, turned off my phone and fell on my bed. I had an agonising night, waking up almost every 30 minutes. At one moment in the middle of the night, I found my sixth floor window very inviting for a jump...that is when I decided to call a friend and tell her I had just been diagnosed with HIV and I was thinking of jumping out my window . She has cancer, and she is elderly. She asked me to come right away. So I called a cab and went to her home where I stayed for a week until I felt I will be safe on my own.

Like I said, I dont like to think back on that day...it brings back the anxiety.Karry

I think they had wheeled me into the xray room when the ID doc found me.

Didn't go home -- got wheeled back to the ICU.

I was on drugs for pneumonia where you basically don't sleep and hallucinating all the time -- I still am not sure if some of those things really happened (the guys in the lavender cop outfits from Florida escorting the murderer with a gunshot wound probably didn't?)

I went home and sat on my couch to wait for the cure. Been there ever since.

Not really. I was told about teh AIDS on a Wednesday afternoon, 10th of June --2:25 p.m. My doc's office has a lovely view of the ocean; I just sat there and watched the waves and boats in silence. Then I asked her about the next steps.

When I left her office my best friend and my other half at the time were waiting for me outside. I told them what was up. They cried, I told them I wanted to go to Whole Foods for a sammich and one of their smoothies. Since I had had a ver shitty seroconversion I hadn't eaten much in days. Now I wanted to eat.

After eating at the store I asked them to take me home. When I got there I told my sister about the diagnosis. Talked for a few minutes, agreed to go to the airport at 7:00 as my mother was returning from Spain that day. We agreed upon the need to wait a few days before telling her.

I tried to take a nap but couldn't sleep. So I watched Juno on HBO for the third time. When it got to the scene where they give up the baby I finally broke down. Not sure why that one scene was the one to trigger it.

And then life went on.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I was informed via telephone from Dr. Bob and told to come straight away to his office for moar lab work. So, before walking the short 3 blocks from my office to his, I went into the bathroom and cried for 10 seconds, gathered myself, and then sat down in my lesbian director's office and spilt the beans. She said to take as much time from work as I felt necessary.

I called my ex that I'd broken up with a couple months previous, and he met me in front of Sol Moscot on W. 14th, then went with me to the doctor, then walked me home and spooned with me. After he left I called several friends for moral support, and one came over and we went out to dinner across the street at Boca Chica (surprisingly still there) and had pina coladas and sauteed shrimp. Oddly he babysat me at dinner several times that week and each time we ate at Boca Chica. So now whenever I think of my initial diagnosis I think of that place. And I don't recall ever eating there after that.

Tuesday, March 19, 1985: 3:45 pm. I come home from work to find a letter from the American Red Cross. The letter indicates that there is an abnormality with my last blood donation and to call their main office in Detroit. I am living in the closet as a married gay man and when I can, I binge drink to drown my shame and seek out men in the backstreets of Detroit. I call the office and they offer me an appointment the next morning at 9 am. I don't recall what I did the rest of that day, but I will never forget the next day.

I arrive at the Red Cross office and I am met by a nurse who would make Nurse Ratchet proud. In retrospect I'm surprised she didn't answer the door in full containment gear, because her attitude told me that, in her eyes, I was beyond contempt. She then informed me that I had tested positive for HIV and that I had no business donating blood with such a disease. She hands me a business card, for the Infectious Disease Clinic at Henry Ford Hospital and shows me the door.

I remember sitting in my car, for what seemed to be an eternity. I don't remember driving to work, but I did and I worked the day and went home. My world was crumbling around me and somehow, it was all my fault. I am not proud of some of the things that I did to survive and I hurt a number of really decent caring people, because I was not strong enough to just be me.

I have never fully understood what drove me to do what I did, but at least now, I can understand the role I played and that some things, will always be beyond my control. Most important is that I have forgiven myself for ultimately having to be me.

Dr called me at home. As soon as I heard her voice I just knew what sge was going to say. " Your HIV test came back, its not good news, it was positive.". She asked if I could come in that day for some more tests. I called my boyfriend. He came home and we went to the doctor together. There wasnt a whole lot of talking. Lots of silence. Met with the doctor. She talked to us about how the test did not appear to be a false positive and what tests would be needed. She gave me a list of HIV doctors to see and we chose. She gave me the HIV is a manageable disease speach and compared it to diabetes.

At the end of the appointment she looked at my boyfriend and asked "how are you doing?". He looked at her, then looked at me and said "I'm fine, I'm in this relationship for life, this doesnt change anything. I love you.". Then me, the boyfriend, and the doctor all started crying.

My first ELISA test was strange, a negative and a positive, they took another sample and few days after that it appears as reactif... I was thinking of false positive because I was sick at the moment the sample was took and because of the first test, but I also imagined about "what if..."

The WB took an eternity to come back with a result: positive, nothing to do about it, the result was really clear... I remember well we I went to Red Cross to look for the result, I almost loose the conscience because of stress... I imagined that "Good, please it must be negative, Elisa must have been a false positive..", but I knew that all was done... When I got in and gave my ID, I knew immediately that there were something wrong, the three women were talking very low almost 5 minutes... Then, I went to the private room. They gave me the result... I thought I was prepared but it was as a terrible shock... I remember I haven't felt anything before when I jumped of a plane with a parachute...

I was thinking of dying before if my result was positive, but then, I realized that life was still going on, that I had a son... They gave me the name of a clinic, I went there immediately, I waited for 2 hours but nobody helped me... Then, I went for a walk and then went back to work, trying to going on.. I was alone at home that day, it was much more better...

I really don't remember a lot about the exact day, although I do remember a lot about the exact moment and, sadly, the rest of the 90's.

The day after Christmas, Dec 26, 1992 at 1:20pm, I returned after two weeks waiting period to the city health dpt. After calling out a string of random numbers that matched the ones on my slip, a very nice 40-ish yr old nurse escorted me into an office. When we were both seated, she opened a folder and said she was sorry to tell me that my results were positive, undoubtably positive.

After a moment, with a questioning look, she asked if I understood what that meant. When I assured her I did, she replied that she was amazed that I was taking it so well. I clearly remember telling her, "I'm gay, it's the 90s, all my friends have it, my partner was recently mysteriously ill, why of course I have it too".

Though the details of the rest of that meeting are hazy, I do remember in a short time she sent me on my way with an admonishment to see an ID doctor (without providing any resource or physician contact information as there was -and still is- no ASO in that area of Ohio). I don't remember the rest of the day, though I can vaguely recall that I went home to my partner and told him not only that I had even contacted the health dpt but of the test results as I figured this news explained his recent illnesses.

Just after the first of the next year we had contacted the only ID doctor in town. By my 30th birthday, in the middle of March, we had both been diagnosed with AIDS - with tcells <25, and no clue as to the viral load as that test wouldn't be in use until after my partner had died and I was in the hospital in 96 with PCP. I started on AZT monotherapy, while my partner was in several drug trials from the Cleveland Clinic. I would eventually go onto ddI, which was one medication my partner used in one of those trials; while he went on to pass away 18 months after our AIDS diagnosis.

And here I am, in just a few more months, coming up on the 19th anniversary of that infamous day, only truly recalling the initial meeting of getting my diagnosis as that was a long time ago with a lot of water under the bridge dealing with AIDS-related issues throughout the rest of the 90's

Suf and everyone else... Not much has changed.. I would say there are alot of well meaning medical professionals there is still alot of stigma... Not too steal the thread the mandatory testing means nothing if there is not that person there to help you deal with the results, provide assurances, get you ready for the next journey of our lives... Unfortunatelt many get tested are told you are pos and pretty much just tell ya "goodluck" with no direction. Thank god for sites like this one for the support and the education

Jan. 17th 2011 I drove myself to the hospital and told the receptionist girl I wanted an HIV test. That was at 9am. The doctor came into my room and did the test. The nurse took lots of blood from me At 3pm the doctor came back into the room and said "go across the street tomorrow and get a test there. The test here at the hospital takes 2 weeks to come back and I'm afraid you'll be back in here by then.

Jan 18th my mom drove 2 hours to pick me up and drove me to the doctors office. ( It was the ID doc. office, they have free testing once a week). 20 minutes later the nurse said the test is positive.

Jan. 21st My dad drove me to the doctor's. He said "you bypassed the HIV and you have AIDS. We were in there for an hour answering questions the doc. had, and my dad had a bunch of questions. At the end the doctor said you have 2 choices: You go into the hospital right now, b- you stay at your dads house, you're not allowed to stay alone because you're dehydrated, your health is bad and i want someone with you. I opted to stay at my dad's house. Nurse Vampire took even more blood and felt bad when I passed out from it.

Since I did volunteer work for an ASO in the late 80's and early 90's I knew a little bit about what was happening and could possibly happen later.

All in all I consider myself lucky for 3 things. One being that I didn't get as sick as some people. Although losing 25 lbs. in two weeks I could have done without. I've had one bad co-infection so far, but it's healing nicely. Other then my step-mom, I've had fairly good support from the few people i have told. I also have a great doctor, (not to mention Newt, he's as good as any doctor). I don't even pass out anymore when they take blood. I guess since they do it once a month I've gotten used to it. Michelle

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How to handle stress like a dog:If you can't eat it or play with it.....then pee on it and walk away

Suf and everyone else... Not much has changed.. I would say there are alot of well meaning medical professionals there is still alot of stigma... Not too steal the thread the mandatory testing means nothing if there is not that person there to help you deal with the results, provide assurances, get you ready for the next journey of our lives... Unfortunatelt many get tested are told you are pos and pretty much just tell ya "goodluck" with no direction. Thank god for sites like this one for the support and the education

Surely you cannot believe that nothing has changed. We know so much more about this virus and there are treatments, none of which was known when I tested poz. I also reject the idea that someone must hold your hand because of bad news, it would be nice, but far from mandatory. I think what sets folks with chronic conditions apart is our belief in ourselves and that is the key to not only living with HIV, but just plain living. Life can be hard, but if you give your power away, expecting others to do what you should be doing for yourself, you will never become empowered. There is a major difference in "wanting" something, as opposed to "needing" something. I "want" many things in life, fortunately I already have what I "need."

testing means nothing if there is not that person there to help you deal with the results, provide assurances, get you ready for the next journey of our lives

that's untrue for many people, myself included.

Although I do peer counseling work with people who are newly diagnosed, I think of this kind of assistance as nothing more than a perk not a necessity. (especially when HIV/AIDS is more often NOT the immediate death sentence it was 2 decades ago.) Doctors give out all sorts of life-altering medical diagnoses every day without any kind of followup or handholding to give assurances to their patients or to help them deal with the results - that's work that must be done internally by you (coming to grips with your diagnosis, getting proper treatment) with the aid of your individual support system (friends, family, church, these forums).

I accepted my diagnosis, found a doctor, read up on treatments, talked with those who were my support, and got to work dealing with this new disease that was in my life. That's all anyone can do whether the doctor says "diabetes", "paraplegic", "cancer" or "AIDS". Personally, I have seen that most people are able to find the inner strength they need, but didn't know they had, to deal with life-altering medical issues, deaths of loved ones, maiming accidents, divorce/breakups, fires, and other tragedies that they would have never believed that they could have dealt with.

Of course, and it's why I try in my small way to help, getting someone to hold your hand, point you in the right direction, and offer assurance is very nice and very helpful and I'm glad we've reached a point in treating this disease that many more people can be helped that way - along with receiving better treatment and nearly guaranteed a better outcome than any time in the last 3 decades (even if there is a long way to go yet).

But every day people get diagnosed without any of the things that you implied are a necessity when tested, and every day people go on to deal with their diagnosis, because that kind of help is just not as critical as you imply. The proof of that lies in the stories in this thread of people who didn't have that kind of assistance when diagnosed and yet have dealt with the consequences of being HIV positive and are moving forward with their lives.

Why, look at how far you have come yourself , in less than a year - and without that kind of assistance. I understand it's still tough for you at this point, but you're moving forward, you're learning what you need to know about this disease and dealing with it's ramifications, and you're getting proper treatment. While the handholding might have made it all easier, you seem to be managing and growing into a stronger person every day. Don't underestimate your own inner strength.

Well, I was in a treatment center, then the next thing found out my first husband died. I got let out to go to his funeral. I didn't seek treatment for quite a while afterward, and even insisted on another test. It was a traumatic time for me, as I didn't think I would have ever tested +. That was 22 years ago.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

This is an interesting thread indeed. Like "where were you when Kennedy was shot" kinda thing (for us older folks).Well actually... having tested negative so often before, I figured it would still be negative when I went in to test. Like before when I tested, I always feared and imagined the horror of them saying " it came back positive". But after hearing "negative" over and over all those other testing times, that "horror panic reaction" was kind of gone from my mindset (if that makes sense).

But this time going in for "THE TEST" was different...I felt ok, just fine, but I looked very sick. I had lost 40 pounds over the last 12 months. Everyone kept telling me I "really lost a lot of weight", and not in a good way. I always just poo pooed them off because I felt just fine.But when the nice friendly check-out lady at wally world started telling me that I really looked "not well", that kind of scared me into the fact that something might be wrong. But I really felt normal and very healthy. Felt just fine!

But... I figured it was maybe time to see a doctor. I figured I either had some sort of cancer, or HIV. But I really was thinking a cancer more so than HIV, because having tested negative so many times before, I figured HIV was not the issue.And by now (back then in 2005) I always read that everyone with HIV just got the "pills" and lived a normal hunky dory life into old old age. I knew one friend out in CA that was living with HIV, and he was doing great on meds. So I really feared some cancer thing MUCH MORE than any HIV thing, as the cause to my weight loss.

At first, I liked the weight loss. I usually was 25 pounds over weight. I like the junk food and sweets. So over those 12 months as I lost weight, without any effort on my part, I was a happy camper. Wow, this is neat. Finally I have the flat stomach I always wanted, that I had not seen since I was in my 30's when exercising hard every day. But only after that walmart clerk started telling me I looked really really thin, did I start to wonder about my health.

I expected either cancer or HIV (like I said). So before seeing the doctor I figured I better first get another HIV test. Just to rule that out as the weight loss cause.

So when that test came back positive, I really wasn't THAT shocked. I was a little glad that it hopefully ruled out the cancer fear I was having. Rather than feeling sorry or in fear or anything like that, I was more wondering just how and when I would tell my partner and my parents. And as far as my new founded HIV bug, I knew I had a lot of HIV education ahead of me. And I also wanted to get to the best HIV doctor available ""ASAP"" so I could start on those pills.

So I guess in short, you could say I was "distracted" when first hearing I was HIV +, because I felt relieved thinking it was not some cancer issue. The phycological weight of hearing I was HIV positive weighted against the relief I felt that I did not have some sort of cancer, produced a neutral mental state of mind as I drove home that afternoon.HIV was an "oh...ok" kind of feeling. Cancer would have been total horror.

Like they say, "It could be worse". And I felt I had escaped the "it could be worse" part.HIV was very treatable, I kept thinking. Cancer on the other hand, would be terrifying to deal with.

And now it's been over 5 years on meds for me, the same meds, and I am basically as healthy as anyone else I know not dealing with HIV. Probably even healthier. Especially for my age. I look normal. I am back to being that 25 pounds over weight. I bike, power walk, and still work my 12 hour days just like when I tested negative. My CD4 went from 83 in 2005 up to 700 now. Yes, I know I am very lucky. Have done very well.

I have some close relatives that are fighting other things like diabetes, or joint degeneration, or even Rheumatoid Arthritis. And watching what the are going through, I'd rather have the HIV, as campy as that sounds.With HIV, I haven't had to have a foot removed, as my in-law had done with his diabetes.I haven't been nearly completely bed ridden, as my Aunt now is with her joint degeneration.But I am in such pain and worry watching my younger sister fight her Rheumatoid Arthritis. Believe me, with having HIV I have no time to feel sorry for myself. I have promising and very effective treatment available.With the problems my relatives now suffer with, there is no magic pills, no magic treatments.(sorry.. I usually go off topic and go on way too long, I know...)

Thanks to all that responded and shared stories..To those of you that have lived with this disease since the 80's or 90's, u guys are my inspiration..It's stories like yours that make me feel at ease of living a long life and dying an old man..I was so afraid I was gonna die soon when I had first found out because I was always so ignorant when it came to HIV all through high school, and I would have nothing to do with anyone in the world that had it...So I almost felt my diagnosis was a 'punishment' for all the jokes and negative ways I thought of poz people..After my diagnosis I gained a very good friend from a support group who is also poz and a number of other friends that helped me to understand everything I needed to know..I'm also thankful for everybody here as well! I know I'm starting to sound corny but I'm having a moment lol

sept 12th, 2007. i was running late for work and was sitting in a parking lot preparing information for that day's visits. I got a call around 10 am from my dr. he told me my test came back positive. it was a beautiful day in so cal. i sat in my car for a second then i started to cry. i called my close family and friends and told them. first my dad, then my mom, then my bros & sis and some fag hags .

figured i would try to go to work and manage through the day. got to the office, saw my manager at the time and broke down in her office. she gave me the rest of the week off.

went home and slept on and off for two days. woke up every few hours with the feeling that i had destroyed my life. and the feeling was well substantiated with reasons why.

i got my undetectable results this week. i called my mom, dad, fag hags and former boss. all were elated.

life went on...whether i wanted it to or not. i think we all know i wanted it to and i hope the majority of us came to or will come to this conclusion.

I'm also thankful for everybody here as well! I know I'm starting to sound corny but I'm having a moment lol

There is nothing "corny" about how you feel, as this place is incredibly special because of us. We share a common illness, but more important is we share humanity. We live with HIV every day, with all that entails and it is empowering to find people just like us, who have been slapped down, only to rise and move on. Some of the finest people I have ever known populate these forums. To me, they are my family and they prove it repeatedly by being there when I need them most. While there seems to be power in shared misery, somehow this forum transcends that, by converting that misery into limitless support. I have many special moments here and I never cease to be amazed at the depth of our members.

For me, the connection I have, on so many levels, with other members here, makes this truly a one of a kind place.

I went for a Rapid test at a well known test site in Palm Springs, CA. on a Saturday in January 2011. While waiting for the 20 Min's. to go by the volunteer, volunteered too much of his own personal opinion on me. When the test result was positive his tone changed again. Now he was like a reprimanding parent. He asked me to sign forms, promise to follow up with treatments and doctor's, lectured me on having sex with HIV positive men. Actually told me I shouldn't be doing that Then wanted me to take the next swab rapid test like a blood test. I said sure, but I was going to go for the blood test that Monday at their clinic in town. He had to keep leaving to get the kit and other paper work etc. I went to get tested with one of my closest friends. While all this was going on behind doors, the other volunteer was chatting him up. When my guy came out several times to get the other things he needed because he wasn't prepared behind the close door, it alerted my friend. When he asked what was going on he was told,' I can't say, but it's not good news since he's getting the other test done". I had no idea such an exchange was going on. When I came out, I put on my poker face and met up with him and announced I was ready for lunch. When we got in the car, he was so relieved about my attitude and told me he thought I was positive because of the exchange inside with the volunteer. My right to privacy and anonymity was seriously breached. I turned to my friend and said, well. I was going to wait until I know conclusively, but Yes. My test result came back positive. but you should have never been the wiser unless I told you. This trip started off for me with Anger and Rage and Defeat. I was in total shock and denial. I cried and screamed and shut down all in a matter of a few hours. I called 2 other positive friends , told them and then called my best negative friend. After telling him, I asked for forgiveness for getting it? Ahh the Shame. I think it hit right after I heard you're result was Positive. I knew inside for months that I was probably positive because I had every classic symptom eventually that comes with seroconversion.Getting the blood work eased my mind because there is a possibility that the test could be wrong. I of course started researching all the negative results a rapid test has. Eventually more then 2 weeks later the other swap test and blood test both confirmed I was Positive. Now that made 3. Well, in my book 3 strikes and You're Outta the Ball Park. 6 months later, 650 Tcell and undetectable VL status, feeling new and living life differently in a very positive way, if that makes sense. I feel like I have already survived and won the battle and war. The rest of my health and life is up to me. The positive direction I take myself in is my choice only. I'm not going to be labeled as a person with a chronic illness.

The day I found out I was HIV+ I went home and start internet research regarding the so called HIV/AIDS. I was living alone. I found the website that is called “alive and well” which belongs the late HIV denyalist Christin Miaggory. My moral got so elevated by reading that website. I kept on reading that website form the beginning to the end and completely denied my positive test. Finally, December 29 2008 come in to be taken for emergency to the hospital. I tested again as if I didn’t test before and told that I am positive, my CD is below 50 and VL is about half a million. I reborn again and my life changed forever.

The day I found out I was HIV+ I went home and start internet research regarding the so called HIV/AIDS. I was living alone. I found the website that is called “alive and well” which belongs the late HIV denyalist Christin Miaggory. My moral got so elevated by reading that website. I kept on reading that website form the beginning to the end and completely denied my positive test. Finally, December 29 2008 come in to be taken for emergency to the hospital. I tested again as if I didn’t test before and told that I am positive, my CD is below 50 and VL is about half a million. I reborn again and my life changed forever.

That's why the denialists are so damn dangerous. People end up seriously ill or dead when they could have been kept healthy if they didn't deny their infection. Denialist should be put in jail for murder, if you ask me.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Probably responsible for the death of her daughter who never got tested or treated for HIV.

Im curious, since you made it to the denialist website, did you not also Google Maggiore herself, to see the context? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_MaggioreWere you so happy to find reassuring lies that you didn't want to continue your internet research?

Well, thank god that's in the past for you, anyway!

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

In the grand scheme of things, I was dxd with AIDS so being caught behind the 8 ball, so to speak, made treatment mandatory. I never questioned the dx because I was sick, damn near to death. I never read the denialist propaganda until after my dx and finding this site. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what it was.

There is nothing more dangerous than being in denial whether it is HIV/AIDS or any life threatening illness. Thank God for doctors, medical science, Atripla and those on this forum whose life experiences leave no doubt as to which course one should chart. Denialism is not an option. It is a death sentence. This disease no longer is but denying it will kill you.

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Diagnosed in May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

TRIUMEQ - VALTREX - FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE - PRAVASTATIN - CIALIS

Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Amazing enough, immediately I left three months of hospitalization, I check again the internet and found out that this lady is dead. I went out of the hospital in April 2009, and I learned that she is dead sometime in December 2008. I couldn't believe my eyes. No words, nobody arround me to talk to, but I simply say OMG.

Anna, I don’t think it is fair to say “denialist t should be put in jail for murder” They become denilist because of the illusive nature of the disease. It is not an intentional and premeditated act. Everyone loves his life more than anything. Because we love our life, people can be all against anything that came against their life. Such as HIV and HIV theory. So the best way to put it is to teach and make them believe.