How to be your very own Big Bang geek

so here's your very own way to be like all the cool kids in the classroom playing with their calculators

* Situation A

An unattractive egghead at the party tells you that he's going to ask the leggy blonde for her number.

Your Reply: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with [her] as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. (Season 1, Fuzzy Boots Corollary)

*Situation B

Witty banter at the wet bar sputters to a trickle after running its deliriously intelligent course. You notice desperate looks as the group waits for someone to rekindle conversation.

Your reply: So, Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. Thoughts? (Season 1,The Big Bran Hypothesis)

*Situation C

You've somehow managed to stump one of the less intelligent partygoers (now searching the room for the nearest exit).

Thanks to the help of David Saltzberg, a professor of physics and astronomy at the University of California, Los Angeles, the dialogue is as sharp as Occam's razor (a line of reasoning in which the simplest theory is the best). Why bother racking your brain to sound smart when the show lets you pick its cerebrum instead?