Any non-Scottish people caught wearing kilts at weddings face at least ten years’ hard labour in a Polish prison under a new EU ruling. Sales of kilts as far south as Devon have increased ten-fold in the last 15 years, a boom attributed to increasing amounts of men seeking to distinguish themselves in a wacky way in a large group of other people.

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Greek Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis fears that an EU bailout extension may not cover the cost of his dream to study Media at university. Although his country’s debt is running at 175% of GDP, a spokesman for Mr Varoufakis said he is also keen to fund three years of film watching, the opportunity to swim in a fountain and to ‘put a traffic cone on local statue’.

Representatives of Europe’s biggest Christian groups had said that they were against a winter World Cup on the grounds that it would overshadow the build up to the annual festival, popular for about the last 2000 years, but FIFA President Sepp Blatter argued ‘Compromises will need to be made. There’s no reason why a religious festival celebrated by millions around the world shouldn’t be moved.’

Police, teachers and the parents of three teenagers from Liverpool who have run away from home fear they may have been radicalised and travelled south to join the Conservative party. The three girls were last seen at Watford Gap services, wearing traditional Tory dress of yellow corduroy trousers, tweed jackets and a blue rosette.

British stars were out in force at the Corrupt Politician Awards, held last night in a luxurious but secret overseas location at the UK taxpayers’ expense. Jack Straw and Malcolm Rifkind showed that British sleaze is still as strong as ever and were delighted to pick up the top prizes of lucrative contracts with companies that may or may not exist.

‘It makes you proud to be British’ said the BBC’s Nick Robinson, from beside the red carpet, where the M.P.s posed for photographs by putting their hands over their faces before going inside to be secretly filmed receiving their cash prizes. ‘Britain has shown it is a world force when it comes to dodgy politicians. It takes you back to the hey-day of British sleaze.’