Author
Topic: How do I tell my ex I don't want to be friends? (Read 9007 times)

Mocha

I think cshiley has the right approach. He wants drama, don't give it to him. And the more he tells the same "my last girlfriend treated me badly" story, the more he will take care of his reputation himself.

I'm with those who are in favour of telling him straight you know what he's been saying about you, and don't have any interest in being friends with him. Maybe he's trying to create drama, maybe not, but I don't think that's a reason not to be straightforward if you want to be! And maybe he is just very clueless; people get really caught up in talking about past relationships, and having you say 'hey, that is NOT what happened and I don't appreciate you telling people so' might be a wake-up call.

I personally don't think you should respond in any way at all. His actions do and will continue to speak for themselves. Who decided she didn't want to be your friend? Someone you'd never met! My guess is your other friends, you know the ones who actually know you, have already figured all this out and if they haven't they will in the very near future.

You owe him NOTHING!!!!

If you come face to face with him, respond politely but cooly. If he asks what you've been doing, tell him "My husband and I just got back from Blankety Blank. We had a great time. Isn't this the best bean dip you've ever tasted?" Then leave and go talk to someone else.

I'm in the "tell him that you know he's said things about you, you don't like it, & that's why you don't want to talk to him anymore" camp. Then block him on FB, don't respond to texts, and be polite and superficial in public.

That's not creating drama, but it *is* telling him that you know, that it's not ok, and that there are consequences to his actions, ie, you want nothing to do with him.

Creating drama would be telling him you know, then responding to his response, & letting it keep going back & forth.

I don't know if I'm delusional, but I believe that telling people when you know they're doing something crappy & then changing your behavior accordingly (like no longer being friends with someone) can make them realize that their behavior is not OK, and may provide the impetus for them to change it. I don't think it always works, but I do believe that if more people called other people (in a civil way) on their bad behavior & there were more consequences to bad behavior, then there'd be less bad behavior.

Was there a resolution to this?

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I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Does anyone have any ideas how I should tell Mike that I'm not interested in having a friendship with him. I'm nervous because he's very sensitive, and he's also shown that he's not worried about talking about me, and possibly making things up about me, behind my back. I wouldn't be so worried but we will still have to see each other as we're both involved in this activity. The activity will force us to talk and interact at times.

I disagree about him being sensitive. I think he's a clod and would block and ignore.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

Does anyone have any ideas how I should tell Mike that I'm not interested in having a friendship with him. I'm nervous because he's very sensitive, and he's also shown that he's not worried about talking about me, and possibly making things up about me, behind my back. I wouldn't be so worried but we will still have to see each other as we're both involved in this activity. The activity will force us to talk and interact at times.

I disagree about him being sensitive. I think he's a clod and would block and ignore.

His own feelings may be sensitive, but he's completely insensitive to the feelings of others.

Does anyone have any ideas how I should tell Mike that I'm not interested in having a friendship with him. I'm nervous because he's very sensitive, and he's also shown that he's not worried about talking about me, and possibly making things up about me, behind my back. I wouldn't be so worried but we will still have to see each other as we're both involved in this activity. The activity will force us to talk and interact at times.

I disagree about him being sensitive. I think he's a clod and would block and ignore.

Yup.

His own feelings may be sensitive, but he's completely insensitive to the feelings of others.

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Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

I don't think I would tell him that you don't want to be friends. In his mind you have wronged him- or at least this is how he is portraying it to the outside world. Regardless of his motives/thoughts, making a statement that you don't want to be friends just plays into the drama which he surrounds himself with. I would ignore him/bean dip requests to hang out. Let the "friendship" die. Be busy, or just don't respond, esp if the group meets so infrequently. If nothing else, you are the grown-up in the situation. But to outright say you don't want to be friends gives him more fuel for your "meanness".

Also- I wouldn't refer to him as your "ex"- three dates does not a relationship make. It just plays more into his stories.

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"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which." Douglas Adams

I don't think I would tell him that you don't want to be friends. In his mind you have wronged him- or at least this is how he is portraying it to the outside world. Regardless of his motives/thoughts, making a statement that you don't want to be friends just plays into the drama which he surrounds himself with. I would ignore him/bean dip requests to hang out. Let the "friendship" die. Be busy, or just don't respond, esp if the group meets so infrequently. If nothing else, you are the grown-up in the situation. But to outright say you don't want to be friends gives him more fuel for your "meanness".

Also- I wouldn't refer to him as your "ex"- three dates does not a rel@tionship make. It just plays more into his stories.

I don't think I would tell him that you don't want to be friends. In his mind you have wronged him- or at least this is how he is portraying it to the outside world. Regardless of his motives/thoughts, making a statement that you don't want to be friends just plays into the drama which he surrounds himself with. I would ignore him/bean dip requests to hang out. Let the "friendship" die. Be busy, or just don't respond, esp if the group meets so infrequently. If nothing else, you are the grown-up in the situation. But to outright say you don't want to be friends gives him more fuel for your "meanness".

Also- I wouldn't refer to him as your "ex"- three dates does not a rel@tionship make. It just plays more into his stories.

This bears repeating..... 3 Dates does not a boyfriend make

This. I'm actually surprised that someone would make such a big deal about a potential relationship ending...not to mention, still doing it 2 years later. He doesn't sound quite right. With that said, I'd ignore. He doesn't need an explanation and likely if he did get one, he'd add into his 'she done me wrong, wrong, wrong' act. Delete, ignore and if others bring it up 'we went on 3 dates!' Most people would pause at that.

Does anyone have any ideas how I should tell Mike that I'm not interested in having a friendship with him. I'm nervous because he's very sensitive, and he's also shown that he's not worried about talking about me, and possibly making things up about me, behind my back. I wouldn't be so worried but we will still have to see each other as we're both involved in this activity. The activity will force us to talk and interact at times.

I disagree about him being sensitive. I think he's a clod and would block and ignore.

His own feelings may be sensitive, but he's completely insensitive to the feelings of others.

I'll rephrase. He's using "I'm sensitive" as a club to make others uncomfortable. That's why I think he's a clod.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

Does anyone have any ideas how I should tell Mike that I'm not interested in having a friendship with him. I'm nervous because he's very sensitive, and he's also shown that he's not worried about talking about me, and possibly making things up about me, behind my back. I wouldn't be so worried but we will still have to see each other as we're both involved in this activity. The activity will force us to talk and interact at times.

I disagree about him being sensitive. I think he's a clod and would block and ignore.

His own feelings may be sensitive, but he's completely insensitive to the feelings of others.

I'll rephrase. He's using "I'm sensitive" as a club to make others uncomfortable. That's why I think he's a clod.

And is it just me, or is it the people who feel the need to say 'I'm sensitive' that are invariably the most insensitive, inconsiderate and selfish people you have to interact with?

POD to those above who argue that 3 dates doesn't constitute a relationship. I think I'd just ignore him, and if other people mention it, maybe say something like "Bob? He's still going on about that? We went out on three dates two years ago, so I don't really understand. Oh well. Have you tried the bean dip?"

Does anyone have any ideas how I should tell Mike that I'm not interested in having a friendship with him. I'm nervous because he's very sensitive, and he's also shown that he's not worried about talking about me, and possibly making things up about me, behind my back. I wouldn't be so worried but we will still have to see each other as we're both involved in this activity. The activity will force us to talk and interact at times.

I disagree about him being sensitive. I think he's a clod and would block and ignore.

His own feelings may be sensitive, but he's completely insensitive to the feelings of others.

I'll rephrase. He's using "I'm sensitive" as a club to make others uncomfortable. That's why I think he's a clod.

And is it just me, or is it the people who feel the need to say 'I'm sensitive' that are invariably the most insensitive, inconsiderate and selfish people you have to interact with?

It's not just you.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls