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> Overreaching but unpunished Oracle, nothing I ask of> you ever makes enough sense. I keep falling into> stupid traps of my own making, probably because I> am less than half as good at grovelling as you yourself> must be.>> Be that as it may, I'm going to try grovelling once> again. Maybe this time I'll succeed.>> I see that you have an old armoured tank on your lawn.> It's gotta be left over from WWII. I'm gonna grovel> from inside it.>> No, no!! It's moving! Holy Cheez-its! CRUNCH!>> THUD.>> I'm now at the bottom of your drained swimming pool,> next to your battered MG-TC, your deflated blimp> and an unused pile of incendiary rockets. What do I> do now?

> Theres not much I can say but coreopsis caused by> eating too much eggplant or chicken tenders engines.> When will they abdicate the death warmed over and go> into some sort of fender minding obsession?

} Wait, no, that's not right. Hold on a second. *twiddle*}} > I dont have time to anathematize myxoid chowderheads until the} > piquantness raps from Saxonism is microwaved.} > Why is the upscaling of amyloids generally prohibited rather} > than being puttying reimplanted enchainments?}} No, that's even worse. Try again... *twiddle*}} > Cant the anisometropic diagonals do their own tooling?}} Well, at least it's shorter now... *twiddle*}} > Oracle, whose masterful auguring provides clarifications of matters} > relating to chickens: how can I become more trigly?}} Ah-hah. There we go, although the reference to chickens is still} puzzling.}} And, in answer to your question: already done.} You owe the Oracle an updated /usr/dict/words.

} Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces,} Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces,} Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces,} Earlie in the morning.}} Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers,} Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers,} Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers,} Earlie in the morning.}} Season to taste with chinese five spice,} Season to taste with chinese five spice,} Season to taste with chinese five spice,} Midway through the morning.}} Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned,} Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned,} Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned,} Getting on for lunchtime.}} Get yourself a pot of boiling water,} Get yourself a pot of boiling water,} Get yourself a pot of boiling water,} Just about on lunchtime.}} Simmer all the noodles till they soften,} Simmer all the noodles till they soften,} Simmer all the noodles till they soften,} As the clock strikes noontime.}} Serve four to six with a side of crackers,} Serve four to six with a side of crackers,} Serve four to six with a side of crackers,} For a tasty lunchtime.}} You owe the Oracle an Italian recipe to the tune of "She'll be coming} round the mountain".

} Shortly before he died, Sir Alfred undertook just such a project.} Sadly, his will specified that it not be released in its half-} completed state. However I can share with you the broad outlines.}} The working title was Dial C For Chocolate. Five children are} playing across the street from a factory, when they witness} through an upper-floor window what appears to be a man being} smothered in a vat of chocolate. The young witnesses are spotted} by burly security men, and are kidnapped and gotten drunk on} chocolate liqueurs in order to stage their demise in a crop} dusting accident.}} However they escape and they stagger around the interior passages} of the enormous factory. Soon they encounter the owner himself,} Mister Willy Wonka, who brushes aside their stories of seeing} foul play and being captured by big cruel men.}} He takes them on a guided tour of his amazing place of business,} letting the children sample the candy products which have various} magical effects (flying, belching, etc etc etc). Of particular} interest to the children are the candies molded in the shapes} of items - not ordinary shapes like hearts and Santa Clauses,} but guns and daggers and sharp pointy scissors. Willy notices} their apprehension, and encourages it as he murmurs "the suspense} is terrible ... I hope it'll last".}} Meanwhile, details of the children's past are alluded to,} indicating there is more going on than was evident at first.} Nasty Veruca Salt, shown in an early scene as making eyes at Mike} Teevee, is revealed to have had a relationship in the past with} the impoverished Charlie Bucket, while Charlie's present paramour} Violet Beauregarde is found to have engaged in an embarrassing} social-suicide dalliance with fat Augustus Gloop. It is hinted} that Violet and Veruca may even have designs upon each other,} while we find that Augustus excuses himself to visit the bathroom} at an uncommon frequency.}} Soon it emerges that Wonka's intentions are at best mixed. He} queries the children as to their willingness to fly to Rio to} spy on some tennis-playing Nazis - competitors in the chocolate} business, he tells them. He asks them to deposit his $40,000} in a Rio bank, but they seem unwilling.}} He brings the children into his "aviary", and sure enough, the} huge room contains chocolate carvings of hundreds of species of} birds, from wee sparrows to feasome looking hawks and eagles.} Willy taunts the children by pointing out the five candy} "lovebirds" in his collection, each with a nametag corresponding} to one of his guests.}} As they continue their tour, one by one the children mysteriously} disappear - they black out and when they regain consciousness one} of them is missing. For example, another room contains replicas} of skyscrapers, circus trapezes, church bell towers, and mountain} crests, complete with chocolate figures of people falling to their} demise. The children find themselves overcome with dizziness at} this, and run from the room screaming, and after a blackout where} they communicate with the spirit of a dead woman who they were} unable to save ("Give me your hand. Give me your hand"), Veruca} Salt is now gone.}} In another room is a complex of 12 chocolate cabins (all vacant)} giving the kids the creeps, and soon Violet is missing. Willy} pooh poohs the disappearance, saying, "Violet isn't quite herself} today".}} Soon, only Charlie is left. Frightened, he blurts out, "they said} when you got here, the whole thing started. Who are you? What} are you? Where did you come from? I think you're the cause of} all this." Willy replies, as he approaches Charlie menacingly,} "yeah, well, DUH."}} The scene dissolves to the aviary, where we see Willy removing the} surface features of his face, revealing that he is in actuality} a man made of chocolate, and what the children had witnessed in} the factory window had really been him replenishing himself. And} the five chocolate "lovebirds" are seen now to be animated,} twittering about together in their cage, doomed for all eternity.}} Wooo. Real scary, eh kids?}} You owe the Oracle a synopsis of Monster Chiller Horror Theater.

} Webster never grovelled} I zotted him, you see} For pruning useful vowels} like axe's final e}} A dictionary, I told him} records the words we use to think} don't mess with their true structure} just for your book to shrink}} But webby, he had none of it} he pruned and slashed and burned} to make all spelling easier} declension rules he spurned}} I took offence at this furore} his face turned deathly grey} as though a spectre he had seen} he knew what was on its way}} I zotted him a further time} And to labour my point} his reched book with nitroglycerine} I surely did anoint}} So there you have it, supplicant} The dictionary doesn't contain supplicantacious words because the people} who compile dictionaries have their heads in stratocumulocloaca and} never think of grovelling. They're far too busy mutilating a perfectly} peaceful language. Sliods, all of them.}} You owe the oracle some slood.

> Divine Oracle,>> How many people are now in Heaven and Hell? It seems like it would be> very difficult to avoid Hell, with the rules that various religions> impose. For example, there's basically no meat all of them agree is> OK to eat.

} How many people are now in Heaven and Hell? All the dead ones, of} course. Oh, except for the Catholics currently stuck in Purgatory.} (Did you notice no one mentioned *that* during Pope John Paul II's} recent funeral?)}} But I suppose that's not what you meant. Really, supplicant, if you} want to gain wisdom, you must be precise in the questions you ask.} Well, I'll do you a favor and try to find the answers you really} wanted.}} Now what'd I do with St. Peter's number? Ah, here it is.}} <RING> <RING>}} Hey, Pete. It's Orrie.}} Fine, fine. How about you? Keepin' those golden gates gleaming?}} Good. Hey, I got a question for you, seeing as you're in charge of} the attendance Up There and all. Just how many souls have signed in?}} Sure, I can wait a minute.}} [SHORT PAUSE]}} Really? Huh. Okay, thanks. Hey, you gonna be at the next poker} night?}} Good, I'll see you then. <CLICK>}} I hope he really makes it this time. He seems to back out at the last} minute so often. But when he makes it, it makes for an interesting} night. Anyone who can "deny Jesus" really knows how to bluff!}} Okay, so I've got half the answer. Let's get the other half.}} <RING> <RING> <RING> <RING> <RING>}} Hey, Sate. How's it hanging?}} Oh, really?}} Yeah, yeah. You always say that. Look, can you look up something for} me?}} Yeah, yet another supplicant's question.}} I know, I know. Look, all I need to know is how many souls you're} currently playing host to.}} You don't? How about a rough guess?}} Very funny. Actually, you know, I'll go with that. Serves this} supplicant right.}} I hear that! See ya, Sate.}} Thanks. <CLICK>}} Well, Satan says keeping a head count for Hell would just be too} orderly a thing to do. His best estimate is "billions and billions} served." And unfortunately, St. Peter tells me exact numbers for} Heaven are never released, as it could be seen as a denial of simple} faith. Far be it from me to argue with the Big Guy, but I can tell} you this much: vegetarians are well represented.}} You owe the Oracle a count of the number of pinheads needed so that} *all* the angels can dance on one.

} I know an old lady who swallowed a story. In all its glory, a little} bit gory, with cacciatore she swallowed a story. I don't know why she} swallowed a story. Perhaps she'll die.}} I know an old lady who swallowed a whale. Although it was stale, out} of a pail lost on the trail in great detail to no avail wearing a veil} she swallowed a whale. I don't know why she swallowed a whale. Perhaps} she'll die.}} I know an old lady who swallowed a Jonah. In old Barcelona or Globe,} Arizona with Shakespeare's Verona she swallowed a Jonah. I don't know} why she swallowed a Jonah. Perhaps she'll die.}} I know an old lady who swallowed the internet. She isn't done yet.

} I like to see supplicants that think about the long term goals--global} warming, social security, ultimate power.}} Anticipating your next question, I recommend buying a lot of real} estate in and around Omaha, Nebraska. You're probably wondering why. I} don't even have to be omniscient to tell you that.}} In the latter part of 2006 and most of 2007, human cloning becomes} rampant. Late 2007 finds el Prez al dente George banning human cloning} again (he would set a new record for "most times banning the same} thing" by the end of his term). Scientists continued ignoring him and} continued their experiments.}} After the 2008 election, as his first act of office, el Prez al dente} Jeb changes the official title back to "President." His second act} involves signing into law an Official Crime Series: the "Law and} Order" dynasty. In his inauguration, he declares a "war on science,"} although critics decide that he is merely fighting his predecessor's} battles for him, calling the "war" a "Bush Family Agenda."}} In 2009, reporters make public Jeb Bush's Dayrunner, specifically the} entries under January 20, 2009: "8:00. Breakfast with George. 9:30.} Watch "Law and Order" reruns. Noon. Get sworn in. 3:00. Start inane} 'war' for mom and dad." People take offense and begin siding with the} scientists.}} By 2011, cloning is as popular as Botox and Viagra. Stock soars for} Amalgamated Body Parts. For the first time since the Clinton Years,} the United States has a surplus budget, which Jeb spends on a new hair} weave.}} November 2012. On the night before the election, the Washington ePost} reports where the surplus went. Jeb Bush drops 3 points in the polls,} falling just behind a floundering Lyndon LaRouche. The next day the} country overwhelmingly elects Barack Obama. He is immediately} assassinated. Vice-President-Elect Hillary Clinton attends his funeral} two days later and is mowed down by a runaway news truck. As the} satellite dish breaks loose, it falls to the side of the truck,} crushing an inquisitive Speaker of the House Schwarzenegger. This} marks the first time a President pro tempore of the Senate has risen} to the highest office of all.}} December 2012. But he has to survive another month. And it's cold and} flu season.}} January 2013. An asteroid is spotted heading straight toward Earth.} The Unbelievable Faith of the Husky Order of Worshippers Who Believe} the Earth Will Be Struck By An Asteroid in January 2013 become the} one true religion. Their rapture consists of two apple wedges and a} stick of celery. Not only does the asteroid destroy their headquarters} in Manassas, Virginia, but it takes out 90% of the east coast. The} people of Ypsilanti, Michigan, rejoice, for they now have beachfront} property. At least the ones that lived.}} September 2013. The clones have gathered together in Caspar, Wyoming,} for their annual meeting and make plans to take over what remains of} the United States. They infiltrate every city in every state except} for one, Omaha, Nebraska, which even they can't seem to explain.}} Well, I don't want to give away the ending, but the clones are} eventually destroyed and the whole country, from the west coast to the} not-as-east-as-it-used-to-be coast, is renamed Ohama, Nebraska.}} You owe the Oracle a synopsis of the Food Fights of 2037.

} Well dear supplicant, that depends on the man. I tell} you what, let's ask a cross section of living, dead} and fictitious characters and see what they have} learned from experience:}} Douglas Adams: 42}} Armadoe Avagadro: 6.02x10^23}} James Bond: 7}} Moses: 10}} Burt Baskin and} Irv Robbins: 31}} Barry Bonds: 755 (he wishes!)}} Neil Armstrong: 11}} Gene Rodenberry: 1701}} Leonard McCoy: Dammit I'm a doctor not a} mathematician!}} Bill Gates: That answer will be released in} the next Windows service pack.}} Bill Clinton: Depends what you mean by walk}} George W Bush: I promise you no new roads}} Patrick McGoohan: There is not a number - only} free roads!}} Confucius: A journey of many roads must} begin with a single road.}} Yogi Berra I don't know, but when you come} to a fork in the road, take it.}} Mae West: I don't know, but if he walks} down mine he's in for a bumpy} ride!}} Mark Twain: When a younger man I could} remember every road, whether I} had walked down it or not.}} Oscar Wilde: There is only one thing worse} than walking down a road, and} that is not walking down it.}} Ray Charles: What Road?}} So there you have it, even dead people have no idea} what you're talking about.}} You owe the Oracle a pair of strong walking boots and} a map.