Meeting Mr. Perfect

What do you say to the man of your dreams?

It all started years ago when I was living in Los Angeles as a single Jewish woman in my mid-30s (if you consider 37 a mid-point, which I most certainly did at the time). Things were pretty bleak on the dating front, so I did what I often did in difficult or boring times of my life, I began to daydream. A lot.

Since I was a kid, I've always had a very rich fantasy life. Sometimes they were realistic fantasies that pushed me to try harder for something I wanted. Sometimes they were very unrealistic fantasies that just gave me a fun and entertaining focus for a few minutes. The daydreams which began in my 37th year, about a certain movie actor, were obviously in the latter category. He was a nice-looking guy, and a very talented actor, not really a "movie star," but definitely up and coming.

I had some fantasies about me crossing his path and totally turning him on to Judaism.

But what caught my imagination was finding out that his mother was Jewish. He wasn't raised Jewish. In fact, he probably never gave it a second thought. But I did. Because if he was Jewish, then, theoretically at least, we could get married. Okay, I'm laughing, too. But at the time, I had some very fun little fantasies about me crossing his path, usually on a plane from L.A. to New York, and in the course of our conversation, I totally turn him on to Judaism. We start learning Torah together, become friends, and eventually it turns into dating and marriage.

Shortly after I began this particular line of distraction, my real life kicked into full gear, and I quickly dropped Mr. Movie Actor. I had just met a real guy and no longer needed a dreamy time-filler. Real Guy and I got engaged and my life started to exceed any fantasy I could have dreamt up. Then the bottom dropped out and Real Guy called off the engagement (read "Seeing God in Your Rearview Mirror" for details).

After moving to New York City, I began trying to heal my broken heart. I once again turned to Mr. Movie Actor for help. He would never let me down. Every conversation we had (in my head, of course) was profound, witty and sincere. Every time we met for the first time, usually on a plane from New York to L.A., but sometimes while I strolled my friends' baby through Riverside Park, Mr. Movie Actor saw immediately into my deepest soul.

In my fantasy, he was, of course, becoming Torah observant, which meant that he no longer worked on Shabbat. And when he took me to his movie premieres, I caused a minor sensation in my modest dresses, setting an example for women all over the world.

During this time, I dated a lot of men. Actual men. But unfortunately, none of them stood a chance against the perfect husband I had created in my head. In fact, many people create some kind of fantasy of what they think they want in a marriage partner, which often stops them from opening up to finding their actual soul mates. Mine was just a little more famous. And he was getting in my way.

Then the craziest thing happened. I was scheduled to fly down to Florida from Kennedy airport, but not wanting to shlep to Queens, New York, I changed my flight to leave from Newark airport, 20 minutes away. Was it God that found my new flight for me? Because as I was buying a magazine from the airport kiosk, who should walk by me but none other than Mr. Movie Actor. For real. I couldn't believe it.

Could he really be on my flight? I was sure my fantasy would finally become a reality.

My eyes followed where he was walking and sure enough he sat in the area in front of my gate. Could he really be on my flight? This was it. I was going to sit next to him, I was sure, and my fantasy would finally become a reality. Just one thing stood in my way. In all of my daydreams, it never occurred to me that he would be sitting in first class. But in reality, that's just what he did.

As I watched him board early on the plane, I realized I had just one chance to flash him my most killer smile, as I walked past him in the aisle on the way to economy class. He would see my sincere, sweet expression and look right into my soul, just as planned. Unfortunately, as we boarded, I noticed that the entrance door was between first class and the rest of us shlubs, with a closed curtain separating us. My dazzling smile froze uselessly on my face, and then melted.

All through the flight, I tried to figure out how I was going to meet him. After all, God never would have created this incredible miracle, if it weren't meant to bring us together for real. So when the flight landed, I rushed to the front of the plane, and ran down to baggage claim. Maybe it was there that we would finally meet.

Sure enough, Mr. Movie Actor and I were the first ones there waiting for our bags. We were standing near each other, and I was acting casual. He didn't notice me behind his movie star sunglasses. I was trying to get up the courage to say something. I knew that whatever I said had to be brilliant, witty and help him see right into my soul.

I was so nervous; after all, this was my potential husband, right? But in my head, I knew that we had had hundreds of conversations, and he already knew how witty I was and how we could tease each other. So, in my most charming, sweet and playful voice I said, "You're not fooling anyone behind those glasses."

I know my words sound rather invasive and rude on paper, but honestly, I said it most endearingly. I just knew that my Mr. Perfect would smile and look into my soul and say, "I would never try to hide from you," or some other equally mushy sentiment.

Instead, his cold, harsh reply shut me down completely. "I'm not trying to fool anyone. I just don't want to be bothered."

I got to see that my perfect fantasy isn't real and that reality isn't about perfection.

Had he not heard my teasing tone? Was he not charmed by my endearing smile? In my imagination, we had shared so much wonderfully witty banter and he adored me. But there, in the airport, Mr. Movie Actor had completely misunderstood my intentions. Mr. Perfect would have understood that I was just trying to be funny and cute. Then I realized that Mr. Movie Actor was not the same as the Mr. Perfect I had concocted. My fantasy came crashing down.

I obsessed about this incident for days afterwards. At first, I didn't really understand why God put him in my path if he was not my Mr. Perfect and future husband. And then I got it. God was giving me a wonderful gift -- to see that my perfect fantasy isn't real and that reality isn't about perfection. Now I could finally begin living again, and open myself up to giving an actual guy, with flaws and all, a chance. Maybe he wouldn't be perfect, but at least he would be real.

Eventually I did meet my true soul mate. He isn't rich or famous, but he is better than any fantasy I could have had, because he is real. And you know what? When we first met, he looked straight into my soul.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 25

(25)
Ronda,
December 3, 2013 3:20 PM

OMG

Out of all the stories I have read, which really have not been a whole lot, this one really hit home. I have created so many fantasy relationships and marriages and never seen any of them come true that I had to just stop and tell myself this is not how God intended for me spend what little spare time I have. I could sit for hours if I wanted and just come up with all kinds of different ways I
wanted to meet my special someone and what our life would be like. Everytime it didnt work out the way I imagined, I was back to square one again. I have come to a point that when this imagination arises, I try to think about something else. Obviously this type of thinking has not gotten me my soul mate yet, so I will just let God work it out because He knows best and He knows who my soul mate will be.

(24)
unlisted,
February 27, 2011 5:41 PM

"Rich and Famous" not necessarily desirable characteristics

Why are "rich and famous" assumed to be desirable characteristics in a man? If he's already rich when you start dating him, he'll be cautious you're not a golddigger and will likely want a pre-nup. If he's also famous, that means that thousands of other women, as in your story, will be fantasizing about him, and you'll be competing with them. And if he's famous, you have to question what ego need he had to become so. Fame is also fleeting, and what happens when he's no longer? I've dated "rich and famous" men. The star of the show was always HIM, not US.

(23)
srpetals,
February 9, 2010 2:21 AM

I can relate

I have always had an active imagination as well, especially when it comes to romance. So, one day I met this guy online and I was instantly smitten by him. He was not a movie star, famous, or anything like that but I felt something for him that I rarely felt. He lived on the other end of the country but was going to be moving to my area. I thought I hit the jackpot. My head was filled with fantasies of what it would be like when he moved here. I was so excited. We talked occasionally and our conversations were okay but I figured they would be better when we meet in person. Months went by and he still has not moved to my area and I was becoming very frustrated. We stopped talking for a while. Then he finally moved to my area and we met for the first time. I was very much looking forward to it. We had a good time but we were not clicking the way I hoped we would. He did not seem all that into me. We went out one other time and that was it. I built up this fantasy in my head of this idealized version of this guy and what I found out is that that was not who he is at all (not meaning that he is not a good person). I think that is why it is not good to talk to someone online for so long before you meet because you can be on your way to Fantasy Island. I still think of him every now and then, simply because none of the other guys I met recently have been all that interesting. I hope that I can meet my real guy soon!

(22)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 4:19 PM

About that book she is working on....

I would read it!

(21)
Paul Ackman,
September 22, 2008 3:18 PM

Sometimes it''s the other way around

Often I will have a date with an average ordinary woman, and she will totally shoot me down. I''m too old, too bald, don''t live in the right neighborhood, don''t have the right wardrobe *or* personality. *or* maybe she''ll just stand me up entirely. So, you regular girls looking for perfect guys, remember the nice successful family-oriented guy that doesn''t meet all your criteria might be just right for Miss 10. Don''t count on the man you ignored when you were 37 to still be there for you when you are 47.

(20)
Donna Karen,
August 21, 2008 4:12 PM

Food for Thought

Just another example of "Be careful for what you ask, you may just get it!" It was very fitting that you had the encounter with this unnamed actor in the way that you did...what a valuable lesson in humility that must have been!
I am also very impressed - and sweetly pleased - that your husband weighed in with the warm and supportive comments. Good on you, Yossie! Public accolades such as your are always well received and I'm sure, much appreciated. And you are indeed blessed, Batshevah. Kol Hakavod and Mazel to you and yours.

(19)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2008 3:24 AM

G-d Really Knows How To Orchestrate

This was an incredible story! And G-d orchestrated it beautifully. What a gift He gave you!! Would that we could each be knocked over the head like that, and be shown so clearly the folly in the ways we delude ourselves. Great Story! Thank you for sharing it with all of us. And how refreshing that you did find Mr. Right, who clearly appreciates finding you as well!

(18)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2008 9:06 PM

Oh,yes He is!

To #14" Uh Huh":G-d most definitely DOES micro-manage the world. Witness the tailor-made scenario He knew she so deperately needed in order to grow. May G-d soon bless you with a few of your own.

(17)
Lindy,
August 19, 2008 7:04 PM

I really hope not.

" When we first met, he looked straight into my soul. "
Riiiiiiiiiiight.

(16)
alli,
August 19, 2008 7:11 AM

relax and enjoy

"uh huh" and "anonymous" you really need to chill out with the judgements and the supercilious lecturing. this is a fun article that simply puts words to something we have all done and sometimes still do, fantasize. its not hurting anyone, and its more creative than watching tv, or in your cases, playing holier than thou. batsheva, keep em coming, you are great.

(15)
leora,
August 18, 2008 7:59 PM

who is it???!!! not fair!!!!

This was utterly hilarious - you are way too good at making fun of yourself... MDR (French LOL - lol)

(14)
UhHuh,
August 18, 2008 5:31 PM

G-d probably not a micro-manager

I doubt G-d is in the business of filling orders, fantasy or otherwise. It's simply a matter of you growing up and figuring it out. Coming out of your head, -filled with little-girl ideas, and into the adult world. No one that immature is ready to marry. I think G-d would prefer us to take more responsibility for our thoughts, words, lives, actions. On that plane, you were the rude one. It is our righteous, G-d informed acts that ultimately put us where we need to be.

(13)
Susan E,
August 18, 2008 10:36 AM

Just a J-joke Mr. Right

A woman was discussing a recent breakup with her boyfriend.
Her friend said to her, "But, I though you had found Mr. Right".
The woman said I thought I had found Mr. Right too, until I discovered his first name was Always.

(12)
Anonymous,
August 18, 2008 9:34 AM

Truth is...

What Mr. Movie actor said was not harsh and cold. He simply explained. He is not trying to fool anyone. He just does not want to be bothered. I imagine that you Batsheva, were not the only source of daydreams about him, and that in fantasy land Mr. Movie Actor has many families and children. What an intrusion it all must be to his privacy.
You acknowledge that the words you said sound invasive and rude on paper. Judging by the words only, his were no more harsh than yours. What you perceived was the tone, which I imagine neither you nor he perceived in the same way.
In any case, I still enjoy the personal realness and the kernels of truth in your writing. Keep em coming.

(11)
Anonymous,
August 18, 2008 9:18 AM

You, woman, are so yummy.

Lol

(10)
Anonymous,
August 18, 2008 5:05 AM

We will never be satisfied

The way I see it:
Perfection according to human needs does not exist. G-d's creation is but we don't always get it. But when it comes to what Hooooomans want - NO! If you have the perfect car and the perfect house, a human would be happy for a little while but would always want to alter and upgrade in due time. We are never satsified. So you might as well settle for Mr. & Mrs not so perfect. A whole perfect human does not exist.Unless he/she is a psychopath - they always think they are perfect- They might have you fooled for a bit - so be careful!

(9)
Anonymous,
August 17, 2008 10:51 PM

You areally are very blessed!

What's really ammazing is that Hashem blessed you in making events happen for you to be on the same plane to have the "rude, blase' " comment come from him. Just think, you really probably would have always wondered and continued to fantasize about this guy. I am so glad that you met him and his character was so not Mr. Wonderful.
I am of course, even more ecstatic that you HAVE met Mr. Wonderful. Brachah V' Hatzlachoh to you, two.

(8)
Miriam,
August 17, 2008 10:18 PM

OK, now tell us who the actor was!

Curious, which actor was this!

(7)
PP,
August 17, 2008 7:06 PM

You women are so funny

Lol

(6)
Debora,
August 17, 2008 12:39 PM

Reality and Fantasy

I daydream a lot, but I hide it well:)
Recently I met an Israeli on JDate. He sounded so sweet and looked so good. Men use to say to me...really everything, but the thing he said to me, I never heard from anyone before. He said he felt I was his lost soul. In coming days I was thinking that actually he could be the one and I became so overwhelmed till the point of faint. I could envision our lives together almost in every detail, and his words just encouraged me more...
After we spoke for few times, my sweet Israeli vanished. No apparent reason (to my understanding). All that is still fresh and I'm puzzled... was it just fantasy?!

(5)
Yossie Frankel,
August 17, 2008 10:09 AM

Famous? – not really. Rich?- Beyond Compare!

While I am not “famous” (being Batsheva’s husband has some notoriety though) I am “Rich” beyond belief! I have a fantastic “Aishes Chayil” – a Woman of Valor – as a wife, an amazing family and as an educator I am given the opportunity to influence and help form the great Jewish minds of the future. Yes, I am indeed a very “Rich” man. – Yossie Frankel

(4)
Deena,
August 17, 2008 10:03 AM

thanks

Thank you. Good article. We all daydream to some extent.

(3)
Ilana,
August 17, 2008 7:24 AM

You have courage

You had courage to speak to Mr. Movie Actor and even more courage to share with us your daydreams and what you did!

(2)
ruth housman,
August 17, 2008 7:10 AM

Mr. Perfect

We all do a lot of fantasizing in this world which seems to provide endless food for the fodder, meaning so much hype about the Stars. There is something about being a Hollywood actor/actress. I mean, why are their lives so important to so many?
I do believe the real stars are right here in our own backyard, with the asters, the morning glories and the sunflowers. We are sun worshippers and star worshippers and what we don't always see, is that the beauty we seek, the beautiful life, is ours, our very own.
We need to seize our own stories and hug them. We are all the heroes and heroines of stories and we are GREAT, and we are STARS. The woman caring for my mother-in-law with Alzheimer's, she was a star. Those people who act with beauty in their "small lives" don't realize how large they are, can be, on the very personal stage that is daily life. Look to the lines on a person's face that are for love, and look to the man who has the heart of gold. He will become so handsome and you will never regret your choice. He is your true Movie Star.
We can merge the "reel world" and the "real world" because they are all here, for us all.

(1)
Anonymous,
August 17, 2008 5:23 AM

Is there really a Mr Perfect

I am so happy the story had a happy ending but the problem is every one is looking for Mr or Mrs Perfect and in my opinion there is not, every one has a blemesh some where we just have to learn to look past it.

This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

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