Parenting Toddlers (1-3) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of toddlers (1 to 3 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.

12-year-old neighbor

i am a stay-at-home for a 2-year-old girl and, although i really only have a little experience with kids, i usually muddle through okay. i am stymied by my current problem, though, and think it could really start a war with my neighbors. their kids are 7 (girl) and 12 (boy). BOTH are hanging around my house all the time, wanting to spend all kinds of time with my toddler.

1. is it normal for a 12-y.o. boy to spend his spare time playing with a 2-y.o. girl? i would like to discourage this, if only because it's a nuisance to me, but do people think that it is actually "abnormal" and perhaps a danger to my child?

2. how can i tactfully tell the parents that i do not wish to spend my valuable time babysitting their kids for free? one time they actually rang our doorbell three times during one dinner, and one saturday when my husband was in charge, they were over at our house FIVE TIMES in seven hours. my neighbors are VERY quick to take offense and i don't want to burn bridges, however i do want to spend some time alone with my family and be able to go in my backyard without being shouted at. is there a nice way to tell the kids not to come over so often?

i would support kids coming over whose company is enjoyed or requested by my child AND whose presence i think will contribute to her social development. am i being naive (or selfish) to think i can avoid wasting my time and attention span on others?
please, please help me. this is my first child and i don't want to make a really wrong turn so early. thank you.

Well, I haven't been in this situation before but you should talk to the parents as well as the kids... in a nice way and remember you can't and don't control their reactions. I would say something to the parents like &quot;Lately your children have been visiting our home a lot and sometimes it's during our family time or dinner time. When they want to come over I need it to be prearranged. Here is my phone number...&quot; And if you say this, it's ok for your heart to pound! It sounds like their kids just need attention and good interaction, maybe they're not getting that from their home? Whatever happens I pray the best for you and the kids involved.

There are a couple little girls (5 &amp; 6 yr old sisters) in our neighborhood who like my daughter (2 years) to hug them and kiss them. But for some reason the thought of a 12 yo wanting to hang around a baby girl freaks me out a little. I'm not trying to sound perverse or anything but boys that age usually want nothing to do w/ young children. Anyway, I would just keep your eye close to him if you cant get him to stop coming over altogether. Good luck.

What the heck is going on at your neighbors' house that you can't keep their kids out of yours? As a former teacher of teens and preteens, I think it's incredibly odd that a 12 year old would go out of his way to spend time with a 2 year old girl, and that he encourages her to kiss him sets off all sorts of bells and flags on my inappropriate behavior radar. A 12 year old boy shouldn't have any reasonable interest in constantly playing with a toddler who is not related to him. I would start making all sorts of excuses to hinder the neighbor kids from coming over, and they'll eventually find something else to do. I am the mother of a 20 month old boy, and agree that toddlers should be around other kids their own age to foster development. If it was turned and a 12 year old girl was always at my house to play and hug and kiss my son, it would freak me out. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it's probably not a good idea for them to be around your daughter so much. I hope it works out!

well guys, i really appreciate the responses so far. it had been bothering me a while, and before i even got anything back from you i thought it couldn't hurt to try something subtle. so i went over there and asked the little girl if she'd like to come over and play. mom was there, and i made it crystal clear that we'd like to have the little girl only. mom said that was fine. as i turned my back to go, i heard her son ask her if he could come too, and she said it was fine. i was by this time 20 feet away and speeding toward my yard!
yes, i have been fearful of saying something to the parents. (thanks so much for understanding, brita!) but while i was away from the site, i thought this up: maybe i'd tell them that my husband and i are still inexperienced parents and perhaps not attentive enough to look after three children at once. this is basically true as their presence frequently heralds an accident or near accident of some kind for my little one.
my girlfriend is a counselor that works with foster kids, sometimes very disturbed. she too told me to beware of this fellow, but i was hoping her perspective was just somewhat jaded by her job...

It concerns me that a 12 yr old boy would want to spend time with a toddler. I have a 12 year old step-son and his first and last thoughts are sports and video games.

Don't get me wrong he loves his siblings but video games and runescape.com are his number one priority.

Which leads me to think that 12 year old has &quot;issues&quot; of some sort and the parents are encouraging it.

Secondly, I know perhaps having the girl only over would sound good but if he has odd problems I would worry about what she is thinking about.

I would tell your neighbor that you have come to realize that you only want children your daughters age to play with her. As your found to be safer and better for her development. And that your neighbors children must other activities from now on.

not tring to scare you but I am with your friend. I have a 12 yr old boy and he loves his little brother but when he leaves the house he goes to friends house that can play out side. He has some younger friends but they can play soccer and basket ball and stuff. A 12 yr old that seeks out a toddler to play with sends red flags with me also. I am a foster parent and have herd horror stories of what some of these kids experience before they should. They play what they learn and do not know it is wrong. the boy may just want an excuse to get out of the house. Maybe you can offer him a job like cutting your grass or something then he prob want want to come over anymore .LOL I know my 12yr old runs from work.LOL good luck

When I read what you wrote it sent chills down my spine. Get that 12 year old boy out of your house and away from your 2 year old baby now! It does not matter whose feelings you hurt or whose friendship you loose. Your baby is far more important than that. I have two sons ages 2 and 3, and at our church we have right many children under 5. There was also a 16 year old boy there who would never hang around any of the other teens, he always wanted to hug and hold the little babies. I knew he was sick from the moment I saw him, and I told our pastor that if I were to see him touch one of my kids, I would just have to go to jail for beating a minor. He tried to hold my baby one time and I had him leave from around us. Every body thinks I am mean, but they just found out a couple of weeks ago what a monster this guy was. One of the ladies of the church said she caught him rubbing his penis against the church pew in front of some little girls. He has now been sent to a mental hospital for other things he has done far worse than that. From the time I was about 11 until my first wife, all I wanted to be with were girls to, but girls my age, not little babies. A 12 year old wanting a 12 year old to hug and kiss him is very normal, but a 12 year old wanting a 2 year old baby to hug, kiss, and play with him is just plain sick, unless maybe it is a sibling. Get that boy away from your daughter.

well, thanks to everyone for your advice. an update to my little saga: (don't worry, it's not horrible.) i allowed this boy to come over again with the intention of giving him very specific instructions on what behaviors would and wouldn't be allowed at our home. there has been no more talk of hugging and kissing, but that visit is when i stopped doing anything apart from staring at the kids when they are together. i spent all my time and attention observing them together and witnessed him kneeling in front of her whispering &quot;hit me. hit me. hit me.&quot; i thought i must be hearing this wrong, but when i mentioned it to my husband, he affirmed he'd heard both siblings saying that to our daughter. ??!! well... shortly after that i burned a bridge by refusing to watch the little girl all day while mom was at work, and shortly after that we put padlocks on the front and back gates. i've redoubled my efforts to get our daughter playmates of the same age and have contacts for 2 different play groups in the area.
i'd be interested in what people think of the &quot;hit me&quot; remarks because it sounds pretty abnormal to me. many thanks to those who have given guidance, because in my inexperience, i am really tempted to be more forgiving of kids' behavior and less forgiving to my instincts.

sadly, no progress with play groups. it seems a lot harder than i thought it would be to find playmates for an only child. one play group is not in session for the summer and the other does not meet for day-to-day routine play, just big &quot;field trips&quot; to museum, etc. it's been hard to socialize her with other 2-y.o. but i just keep plugging along.
the neighbors have not been around much. i don't know if they took the hint or if it's because mom got out of work for the summer (she's a grade school teacher, i know you all will get a kick out of that!) and started scheduling things for them. they're actually at the door right now...

wow, they just have no control over their kids. i figure the more i schedule in for my little one, the less she will be asking about them and the less opportunity they'll have to intrude. i will probably post another topic on how to get exposure to other same-age kids. any tips?

have you tried any local on line mom's groups that is how I got my boys into play groups. Tell the mom you don't want them over at all. THis is sending all kinds of flags up keep a close eye on them of you let them play together

This is just food for thought but have you ever asked these kids why you never see them with children their age? I was in a very similiar situation with my daughter a few years back and I had to simply tell the boy that Emily(my daughter) needed to play with children her age.It was hard to do but necessary, and the boy ended up in a secure detention for assalting a young child. I also work in the feild with this age group and this is NOT normal growth and developement. Stay strong and go with your gut

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