She wants what she wants when she wants it. She wants to follow God’s plan.

She tries to listen to the will of the Father. And she tries to tell him the way things should go.

She’s learning to trust, learning to take a new step forward after backsliding two, or three, or four.

She isn’t willing to let go of what she thought she’d be. She yearns to be willing to sacrifice everything to God.

She knows these contradict, but she wants to have it both ways.

It’s never quite what we’ve planned. Never quite where we thought we’d be or thought we’d go. It seems easy to believe when things are going well–but she remembers, it’s easy to lose track then, too. It’s easy to start relying on yourself. It’s easy to think you’ve got it all under control.

Oh, she still wants that control. Wants it badly. Argues for it. Fights for it. Won’t. Let. Go.

And yet, he gently coaxes, gently teaches, gently guides. She is encouraged, uplifted, reminded who she is. She is a child of the King. She is a sinner who relies on, needs, breathes in only because of, wants, and rests her hope on Grace.

She doesn’t have it figured out, but she still thinks she does. Thinks she knows what’s best for her. Thinks she’s the only one who could possibly know what’s best for her.

She’s party to a battle that goes on and on. When she thinks she’s surrendered her all and truly looked to Him to be the everything she needs in her life–then she finds herself once again wrestling for control.

She knows, in her head, that these new paths, these plans that weren’t hers, are good. That they are right and exactly where she needs to be. But her heart takes more convincing, more prodding, more reaching down deep and falling on knees and asking for help. More digging down to the bottom and finding Love.

2 thoughts on “Five-Minute Friday: She”

Oh my goodness. This is beautiful, painful, hopeful. I see myself, too, in these words in particular – “She isn’t willing to let go of what she thought she’d be. She yearns to be willing to sacrifice everything to God.” I’ve been thinking of this lately, of how it can be a grief of its own to work through, this not looking at all as I thought I would. How hard it can be, through my own lens, to see the beauty in this real me versus who I wanted to be, the struggle to trust that somehow I can be made more beautiful, more like my Savior, here in this place, even when I am so far from seeing it. Thank you for so beautifully telling part of who you are and who you are becoming here.

Post navigation

Tori Andrew

Infertility is painful. We started trying to conceive in September 2011 and were diagnosed with infertility in July 2012. We finally conceived in April 2014, and are expecting our first child in January. While we have felt so much pain and grief in our infertility, we have been blessed to see how God has used this trial to shape us and draw us closer to himself. I pray that he will use this blog for his glory and that the things he is teaching me in this life will speak to others. Praise God that our trials are not in vain.

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.