Yes, I’ve got a bit of a theme going on the blog this week. Today I was feeling rather snarky, and decided to translate some of the dismissive, minimizing, and flat-out insulting responses you often hear when talking about sexual harassment.

“Boys will be boys.” – I believe that anyone with a penis has a God-given right to harass and assault others.

“They don’t mean anything by it.” – Yay, I can read minds! Also, intention is more important that results. On a totally unrelated note, I’m sorry I backed over your child in the parking lot, but I didn’t mean to do it, so no harm done, right?

“Oh, he’s just lacking in social skills.” – He’s spent years working on skills like finding and isolating victims, intimidating them, dodging blame, and convincing twits like me to defend him.

“But he’s such a nice guy!” – I live in a fantasy world where rapists and harassers have goatees and eyepatches and are named Rapist McScumbag and wear blinking nametags proclaiming their twisted predilections for all to see.

“It’s a compliment!” – I have no idea what the word “compliment” really means.

“They’re probably just autistic or something.” – Autistics are completely incapable of learning rules or boundaries, and I have special powers that let me diagnose people as autistic despite my utter lack of training or experience. (See my previous rant on this one.)

“You should have ripped his nuts off!” – You’re a failure because you’re not a badass like me. Did I ever tell you how I totally would have choked the Central Park Rapist to death with his own genitals? Man, if I’d been in Iraq, I’d have punched Saddam right in the nutsack. I watch MMA every night, so don’t screw with me!

“Why are you being such a bitch about this?” – Women are supposed to shut up and accept whatever guys do to them. What the hell are you doing out of the kitchen, anyway?

“He’s just being friendly.” – I’m sure he grabs, gropes, ogles, and harasses all his friends! Also, I have no idea what “friendly” means, either. Words are hard. Would someone please buy me a freaking dictionary?!!

“Why do you have to get all PC about everything?” – My political party embraces sexual harassment and assault! Vote Douchebag in 2012!

19 Comments

ESPECIALLY when somebody claims autism or Aspergers, you (yes YOU) have a responsibility to let them know when they’ve crossed a social boundary. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN KNOW. If they really suffer from the disorder/condition/differently-abling, they depend on overt, explicit verbal cues in social situations.

And if they’re playing Asperger’s as an excuse to get gropey? Call them on it, and call security while you’re at it.

A therapist told me that I couldn’t be autistic because I did not grab women’s breasts in public. She claimed that this is what people with aspergers do. I am most definitely autistic though.

I have no idea where this idea came from. Even those with aspergers do not do this and certainly myself and others I’ve heard of who are autistic do not. As far as I’ve been told, my intense aversion to touch is rather common in fact. But even some professionals believe this idea.

My current favorite (odd use of the term), in the news (from a Canadian article a few weeks back) was “It’s not ‘rape-rape’ if she was asking for it” that is a) got drunk b)was dressed slutty, etc… a whole laundry lists of ‘acceptable excuses’.

To which the only response I feel is appropriate is to punch the guy speaking in the face and claim it’s not ‘assault-assault’ because his big mouth was asking for it.

You left out the former candidate’s favorite: “You want a job, don’t you?”

MelDec 07, 2011 @ 20:00:36

““Why are you being such a bitch about this?” – Women are supposed to shut up and accept whatever guys do to them. What the hell are you doing out of the kitchen, anyway?”
Because when a woman or girl has an opinion, she gets called nasty names and is treated like crap. If a man or boy has an opinion, they get slapped on the back and told “way to go, you tell ’em!”.
Equality? Not exactly. We’re the largest minority in the world, and there’s no end in sight to male privilege, and certainly not while so many think of “feminism” as a dirty word, but the word “rape” is made ambiguous.

Johan AnglemarkDec 08, 2011 @ 07:39:38

Add “Gender role patterns expect men to take the initiative, it’s part of the game, so we have to go on the offensive or die bachelors”.

[…] can, alas, so often lead to the minimising comments so ably skewered by Jim C […]

BarrieDec 08, 2011 @ 14:53:20

Yeah, never grabbed a guy’s junk in public either and I am Asperger’s as well. How come we girls don’t get a pass on this, by the way. If I grabbed some guy’s dick and giggled would they feel the same way about it?

BarrieDec 08, 2011 @ 14:54:52

Thank you. I am Aspergers and while I may make the occasionally inappropriate comment or joke, I truly expect someone to FREAKING TELL ME when I am being inappropriate. I have spent years of my life blithely assuming everyone got my sense of humor only to find out that some people really hated me for it. I was horrified and very sorry about it. I am now really careful not to say things that others might find offensive, but I cannot know that I did something wrong if no one tells me. I want to be a good friend and not say the wrong things, but sometimes its hard to know what those might be. 😛

The mindset (whether it’s accurate or not) is that if a guy grabs a girl’s tits, he’s getting something out of it. And if a girl grabs a guy’s dick…he’s getting something out of it.

Realistically most guys would probably be really shocked if a woman did that, but then, probably most guys who would be shocked by it wouldn’t be running around seizing women by the breasts anyway.

AlexDec 09, 2011 @ 02:14:36

“Equality? Not exactly. We’re the largest minority in the world, and there’s no end in sight to male privilege…”

True, women are underprivileged, or outright looked down on in a great many ways, however in certain ways women are treated far better than men. Personally, I believe that true equality means completely equal treatment for everyone. Unfortunately, double standards are prevalent amongst both genders, and not all that apply to men are positive.
For the simplest of examples, look no further than the facts that a woman who is disgusted with a man is expected to slap him. Men cannot do the same without, at the least, social disapproval.
As well, women are expected to cry freely, but men are socially obligated to never shed tears in front of others without being looked down on.
Simply put, yes. Sexism is still an issue. However, it’s a two way street.

Not to say there’s any possible excuse for rape, be the rapist male or female. There’s just no excuse for that sort of thing.

MelDec 09, 2011 @ 07:16:06

Alex, I don’t know if you’re a man or a woman, but let me just mention that not feeling comfortable enough to cry is a small price to pay for all of the privilege men get. Gross simplification? Yep, but it’s not men who are routinely blamed for their own rape (yes, I know men can be raped, and I take nothing away from the horror of their situation by saying that far more women have this happen to them than men), or told that they must expect a man to be given a job before them “because they won’t be missing work with family stuff or pregnancy”, or expected to hold down a full-time job AND cook and clean for their family because it’s expected, or told that their opinion isn’t accepted as much as a man’s because “they simply couldn’t know as much as a man”. Want me to go on?
With the continued erosion of societal “norms”, many men are likely to haul off and punch a woman in return for a slap. See, women have lost many of the dubious “protections” of social convention without really gaining enough in return, because too many members of the old boys network have decided that women got uppity and need to be shown their “place” (naked, kitchen, occasionally the bedroom, at the man’s convenience). For that matter, when’s the last time a man was told that he didn’t matter, and only the blessed blastocyst they carry has rights? When’s the last time a man was told that he did not have the right to control of his own body for purposes of sex and/or procreation?
So, simplification? Definitely. True? Very much so.
I was raised by a father who was very much aware of the dichotomy in rights and possibilities, and he did a great job. I think I was probably the only 7-year old girl in the neighborhood who knew how to change motorcycle spark plugs, or even knew how to check if they were fouled. He taught me to cook, and ask for what I wanted or had questions about, but most of all he taught me that learning is a process that never ends. He taught me to always look for new things and different ways to accomplish them. In this vein, I really think everyone should be re-examining their behaviors, how they treat themselves and the world around them. The world can be better, but people have to want to change. In many cases, the “ruling class” has no interest in change, and this is where we are now (most definitely this applies in the US).
Let’s see if we can’t make the world a better place for EVERYONE.

Thank you so much for this post and the how to deal with harassment post. This is an issue which has been affecting me a lot lately – just last night I was harassed twice in a row while walking home. I really wish that people would understand just how frightening and isolating it is to be by yourself and have someone approach you in a pushy or threatening manner.

I will back you up in that raising your voice does frighten agressors sometimes and will alert people around you that this person is dangerous. If you want, I can pass along advice that my partner gave me – he’s an officer, and talks to me about personal safety.

OhPleezeDec 12, 2011 @ 14:19:15

Oh Please, let me add two more:

1. It was a joke! Don’t you have a sense of humor?
[Hmmm. Watch me deflect attention from my own insolvent social boundaries by proclaiming you’re more socially amputated than me]

2. What’s wrong with you? Are you a lesbian/gay or something?
[The evil multiple-whammy: Obviously, if you’re sexually attractive*, you are therefore unsure of your own personal boundaries, your own sexual preferences and your own discriminating senses of personal taste and choice]

* and clearly you are, or s/he wouldn’t have harassed you, despite his/her frantic backpedaling after s/he’s been called on his/her misbehavior