Q: I am at a crossroads in my life and need some advice. I am 18 years old and have been told how to act and who to be for my entire life. When is it time to find your own identity, and how do you find it without hurting the people you love and who love you the most?

-Maria C.

A: Hi Maria,

You ask two very good questions regarding identity. Let’s start with the first regarding how and when to seek your own identity. The search for one’s identity has been a cornerstone of philosophical discussion and psychological debate since the beginning of time. It motivates people to do all sorts of things, and as a therapist, I can’t tell you how many times I saw relationships end with the reason being “I need to find myself.” But, at 18 years old, you have only just begun to develop your SELF. In my opinion, it’s not until you’re in your late 20s after you are finished with school, gainfully employed and out in the world a bit that you even get close to answering this question about identity. So I think you are only on the threshold of discovery in that regard, Maria.

Finding yourself without hurting the people you love is not always possible. If you have a good foundation with those people and a history of love and communication, this becomes a whole lot easier because finding yourself is developmental in nature and occurs over time. Since you are 18, I’m assuming you are still under parental supervision and control to some degree, and these are the very people you are worried about hurting. If you are honest with them, share your concerns openly, and engage in this discovery process with caution and purpose, I think the potential for hurt is greatly diminished. After all, these people you love are an integral part of your past, and as a result, they have already influenced the intimate fabric that eventually creates your identity.