Godless Wonder

11.29.2006

Q: How Many Pollocks Does It Take To Open a Baptist Church?A: God Willing, Just One

Michael Gromek, 19, is from Poland, a nation known world over for its godless hedonism and atheistic college students. So when Michael came to visit the US, the Good Lord placed him in the noble hands of a God-fearing Evangelical Christian couple in North Carolina, our second-holiest state.

Gromek, though, was not particularly grateful. So he bitched to Der Spiegel, favorite newspaper of German Marxists.

Things began to go wrong as soon as I arrived in my new home in Winston-Salem, where I was to spend my year abroad. For example, every Monday my host family would gather around the kitchen table to talk about sex. My host parents hadn't had sex for the last 17 years because — so they told me — they were devoting their lives to God. They also wanted to know whether I drank alcohol. I admitted that I liked beer and wine. They told me I had the devil in my heart.

Gromek's host family also forced him to attend church each Sunday at horrifically early hours, and forbid him coffee when he complained. They told him his mother was possessed by the devil, and fed him "lollipops."

They wanted me to help them set up a Fundamentalist Baptist church in my home country of Poland. It was God's will, they said. They tried to slip the topic casually into conversation, but it really shocked me — I realized that was the only reason they had welcomed me into their family. They had already started construction work in Krakow — I was to help them with translations and with spreading their faith via the media.

Michael refused, and, sadly, remains unsaved to this day. As soon as he got back to Poland, all he did was bitch to a newspaper about how backwards and crazy us Americans are.

11.27.2006

Satan: Prince of Peace?Peace: Divisive & Offensive?

DENVER, Colorado - A homeowners' association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan.

Some residents who have complained have children serving in Iraq, said Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs.

He said some residents believed the wreath was a symbol of Satan. Three or four residents complained, he said.

"Somebody could put up signs that say drop bombs on Iraq. If you let one go up you have to let them all go up," he said in a telephone interview Sunday.

Lisa Jensen said she wasn't thinking of the war when she hung the wreath. She said, "Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing."

Jensen, a past association president, calculates the fines will cost her about $1,000, and doubts they will be able to make her pay. But she said she's not going to take it down until after Christmas.

"Now that it has come to this I feel I can't get bullied," she said. "What if they don't like my Santa Claus?"

The association in this 200-home subdivision 270 miles southwest of Denver has sent a letter to her saying that residents were offended by the sign and the board "will not allow signs, flags etc. that can be considered divisive."

The subdivision's rules say no signs, billboards or advertising are permitted without the consent of the architectural control committee.

Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything.

11.13.2006

Reg Strikes Back

LONDON, England - Organized religion fuels anti-gay discrimination and other forms of bias, pop star Elton John said in an interview published Saturday.

"I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people," John said in the Observer newspaper's Music Monthly Magazine. "Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays."

"But there are so many people I know who are gay and love their religion," he said. "From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate."

John also criticized religious leaders for failing to do anything about conflicts around the world.

"Why aren't they having a conclave? Why aren't they coming together?"

John said those in his own field have been similarly lax.

"It's like the peace movement in the '60s. Musicians got through to people by getting out there and doing peace concerts, but we don't seem to do them any more," he said. "If John Lennon were alive today, he'd be leading it with a vengeance."

11.10.2006

Show Me Where the Bad Man Touched You

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — Evangelical leader Ted Haggard, who stepped down last week after confessing that he purchased methamphetamines and various services from a male prostitute, revealed Wednesday that he was repeatedly molested by an unnamed Republican congressman in the late 1990s.

"We would communicate on the Internet and then meet in his Washington office to, I thought, discuss faith-based initiatives," said Haggard in a tearful admission in which he asked for the forgiveness of God and his congregation. "Before long, he had progressed from praying alongside me to having me sit on his lap at his desk, and then to touching me in my bathing-suit area. I trusted the congressman, and he violated that trust."

Authorities have not acted on Haggard's allegations, saying that Republicans are often accused of wrongdoings simply because so many of them lead secret gay or criminal lifestyles.

Students Ban Pledge Over 'Under God' As Christians Equate Being Nonchristian with Being Unamerican

Student leaders at a California college have touched off a furor by banning the Pledge of Allegiance at their meetings, saying they see no reason to publicly swear loyalty to God and the U.S. government.

The move by Orange Coast College student trustees, the latest clash over patriotism and religion in American schools, has infuriated some of their classmates - prompting one young woman to loudly recite the pledge in front of the board Wednesday night in defiance of the rule.

"America is the one thing I'm passionate about and I can't let them take that away from me," 18-year-old political science major Christine Zoldos told Reuters.

"The fact that they have enough power to ban one of the most valued traditions in America is just horrible," Zoldos said, adding she would attend every board meeting to salute the flag.

The move was lead by three recently elected student trustees, who ran for office wearing revolutionary-style berets and said they do not believe in publicly swearing an oath to the American flag and government at their school. One student trustee voted against the measure, which does not apply to other student groups or campus meetings.

The ban follows a 2002 ruling by a federal appeals court in San Francisco that said forcing school children to recite the pledge was unconstitutional because of the phrase "under God." The U.S. Supreme Court struck down the ruling on procedural grounds but left the door open for another challenge.

"That ('under God') part is sort of offensive to me," student trustee Jason Bell, who proposed the ban, told Reuters. "I am an atheist and a socialist, and if you know your history, you know that 'under God' was inserted during the McCarthy era and was directly designed to destroy my ideology."

Bell said the ban largely came about because the trustees didn't want to publicly vow loyalty to the American government before their meetings. "Loyalty ought to be something the government earns through performance, not through reciting a pledge," he said.

Martha Parham, a spokeswoman for the Coast Community College District, said her office had no standing on the student board and took no position on the flag salute ban.

"If their personal belief is that they don't want to say the Pledge of Allegiance, the district certainly isn't going to dictate what they do," she said.More than 28,000 students attend the community college, located in conservative Orange County, California, south of Los Angeles.

11.08.2006

'Jesus Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssd'oh!'

A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.

Farmer Alipio Acosta climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Once at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to climb back down.

Unfortunately, he hadn't planned his descent route terribly well. To add to the problems, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery.

As he tried to negotiate his way around Jesus' outstretched arm, Acosta dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more.

More religion-related offbeat news on the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.

He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull.

This is not the first time Acosta has climbed up the Cristo Ray statue – he did the same thing two years ago. On that occasion, he wasn't cured of his epilepsy, but he didn't fall 45 feet either, making the venture a sort of 0 – 0 win.

11.03.2006

The Power of Babble: Speaking in Tongues = Getting Stupid

PHILADELPHIA - U.S. scientists, in a first-of-its-kind study, have found decreased brain activity in people "speaking in tongues," a condition known as glossolalia.

The unusual mental state is associated with some religious traditions and occurs when people appear to be speaking in an incomprehensible language, yet perceive it to have great personal meaning.

Medical scientists at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine measured regional cerebral blood flow with single photon emission computed tomography while the subjects were speaking in tongues.

"We noticed a number of changes that occurred functionally in the brain," said the principal investigator, Dr. Andrew Newberg, an associate professor of radiology, psychiatry, and religious studies. "Our finding of decreased activity in the frontal lobes during the practice of speaking in tongues is fascinating because these subjects truly believe the spirit of God is moving through them and controlling them to speak.

"Our brain imaging research shows us that these subjects are not in control of the usual language centers during this activity, which is consistent with their description of a lack of intentional control while speaking in tongues."

The research appears in the November issue of the journal Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging.

Who Would Jesus Blow?

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - The president of the National Association of Evangelicals, an outspoken opponent of gay marriage, has given up his post while a church panel investigates allegations he paid a man for sex.

The Rev. Ted Haggard resigned as president of the 30 million-member association Thursday after being accused of paying the man for monthly trysts over the past three years.

Haggard, a married father of five, denied the allegations, but also stepped aside as head of his 14,000-member New Life Church pending an investigation.

"I am voluntarily stepping aside from leadership so that the overseer process can be allowed to proceed with integrity," he said in a statement. "I hope to be able to discuss this matter in more detail at a later date. In the interim, I will seek both spiritual advice and guidance."

Carolyn Haggard, spokeswoman for the New Life Church and the pastor's niece, said a four-member church panel will investigate the allegations. The board has the authority to discipline Haggard, including removing him from ministry work.

The acting senior pastor at New Life, Ross Parsley, told KKTV-TV of Colorado Springs that Haggard admitted that some of the accusations were true.

"I just know that there has been some admission of indiscretion, not admission to all of the material that has been discussed but there is an admission of some guilt," Parsley told the station.

He did not elaborate, and a telephone number for Parsley could not be found late Thursday.

The allegations come as voters in Colorado and seven other states get ready to decide Tuesday on amendments banning gay marriage. Besides the proposed ban on the Colorado ballot, a separate measure would establish the legality of domestic partnerships providing same-sex couples with many of the rights of married couples.

The allegations stunned church members.

"It's political, right before the elections," said Brian Boals, a New Life member for 17 years.

Church member E.J. Cox, 25, called the claims "ridiculous."

"People are always saying stuff about Pastor Ted," she said. "You just sort of blow it off. He's just like anyone else in the public eye."

The accusations were made by Mike Jones, 49, of Denver, who said he decided to go public because of the political fight over the amendments.

"I just want people to step back and take a look and say, 'Look, we're all sinners, we all have faults, but if two people want to get married, just let them, and let them have a happy life,'" said Jones, who added that he isn't working for any political group.

Jones, who said he is gay, said he was also upset when he discovered Haggard and the New Life Church had publicly opposed same-sex marriage.

"It made me angry that here's someone preaching about gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex," he said.

Jones claimed Haggard paid him to have sex nearly every month over three years. He said he advertised himself as an escort on the Internet and was contacted by a man who called himself Art, who snorted methamphetamine before their sexual encounters to heighten his experience.

Jones said he later saw the man on television identified as Haggard and that the two last had sex in August.

He said he has voice mail messages from Haggard, as well as an envelope he said Haggard used to mail him cash. He declined to make the voice mails available to the AP, but KUSA-TV reported what it said were excerpts late Thursday that referred to methamphetamine.

"Hi Mike, this is Art," one call began, according to the station. "Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply."

A second message, left a few hours later, began: "Hi Mike, this is Art, I am here in Denver and sorry that I missed you. But as I said, if you want to go ahead and get the stuff, then that would be great. And I'll get it sometime next week or the week after or whenever."

Haggard, 50, was appointed president of the evangelicals association in March 2003. He has participated in conservative Christian leaders' conference calls with White House staffers and lobbied members of Congress last year on U.S. Supreme Court appointees after Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement.

After Massachusetts legalized gay marriage in 2004, Haggard and others began organizing state-by-state opposition. Last year, Haggard and officials from the nearby Christian ministry Focus on the Family announced plans to push Colorado's gay marriage ban for the 2006 ballot.

At the time, Haggard said that he believed marriage is a union between a man and woman rooted in centuries of tradition, and that research shows it's the best family unit for children.

11.02.2006

God: Inhuman Shapeshifting Impotent Hermaphroditic Half-Myth?

Nearly half of Americans are not sure God exists, according to a poll released on Tuesday that also found divisions among the public on whether God is male or female or whether God has a human form and has control over events.

The survey conducted by Harris Poll found that 42 percent of U.S. adults are not "absolutely certain" there is a God compared to 34 percent who felt that way when asked the same question three years ago.

Among the various religious groups, 76 percent of Protestants, 64 percent of Catholics and 30 percent of Jews said they are "absolutely certain" there is a God while 93 percent of Christians who describe themselves as "Born Again" feel certain God exists.

When questioned on whether God is male or female, 36 percent of respondents said they think God is male, 37 percent said neither male nor female and 10 percent said "both male and female."

Only 1 percent thinks of God as a female, according to the poll.

Asked whether God has a human form, 41 percent said they think of God as "a spirit or power than can take on human form but is not inherently human."

As to whether God controls events on Earth, 29 percent believe that to be the case while 44 percent said God "observes but does not control what happens on Earth."

The survey was conducted online between Oct. 4 and 10 among 2,010 U.S. adults.

Wind Beneath Wing

'I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.'

[President George H.W. Bush]

Myth of the Month

January 2007LimboThe afterlife's waiting room for the innocent, where babies go when they die before being baptised. According to Catholic doctrine, these innocent souls with poopy diapers enjoy eternal bliss without ever knowing God. We call that 'ignorance.' Truth: Ends up, Catholics just sorta made it up. Limbo, like the papalcy, doesn't even appear in the Bible. Catholics do that. Make shit up. We call that 'mythology.'

Praise Allah!

Slander & Praise Sampler

Sir, you are too bitter & angry. Mellow out.[Dave of NoGod, who should be discovering the bodies...right about...now; and that knock would be the police]

This shit is hella fuked up u fuken bitch have nothin better to do ur a fuken pendeja! And u should check your fact before u say shit and this web site should be block u bitch shuld go check on da frijoles insted of writing thiz stupid shit.[El Anonymous - Taco Bell's Employee of the Month]

I read your blogs (all three) and enjoy them tremendously - but especially GW. Talk about a breath (or more like a tornado) of fresh air! Any time I need a break from the Pennsylvania Dutchies who surround me, I head over to your blog. Thanks for all that. Sorry you have to put up with all the shit you get for it. I know it's cliche, but people fear whatever they don't understand. And there are frighteningly many ignorami out there. Please keep blogging. And I say this for purely selfish reasons - I need you! ;-)[Alison, Pennsylvania schoolteacher-soccer-mom-blasphemer]

Your site is GREAT. I am sharing it with many of my so called "friends" I knew during my seven years at Seminary. Seminary can teach a person to hate religion like nothing else.[Dr. W. Sumner Davis - so now I'm doctor-recommended and mother-approved]

I had absolutely nothing to do with John's misfortune. For the record, I kind of like the man. Few people can push the hate like that guy. The truth of the matter is that God is doing this. John Jacob obviouly did something that pissed Him off mightily. Lord only knows what John did and if that makes God a vindictive asshole, hey, He is what He is.[Satan, aka Lucifer, defending himself after a politician blamed his misfortune and lack of wisdom on the Devil]

Thanks for your blog. I have been searching for a good blog to bookmark! Keep up the good work.[Nigel, who's trying to revive his astronomy blog]

I just wanted to let you know, I normally don't read Blogs but yours is by far among the coolest... You're a great writer keep it up![SaviorMoney]

Since you're an atheist, do you feel things, y'know, deeply? Like love? And pain?[A Christian friend of several years, asking in January if I was souless, unfeeling thing ('Do I feel love?! Are you fucking kidding me?!'); a week later, he abruptly ended the friendship. By email. Merry Christmas.]

Greetings from Mexico. I really like your blogs, I have read them and they're so cool. Atheism rulez![Euge - isn't he adorable? Awww, and he blasphemes in English so fluently! I'll take six]

Bitch u fukin trippin there is a god u fuken stupid ass and that picture is hella fuked u fuken uggly stupid ass ho.[Anonymous art critic, eloquently protesting two photos I used for a story on a couple who'd tortured their daughter to death and then littered her corpse with Bible pages: the covers of the book Children's Bible Stories and the Pat Benatar single "Love Is a Battlefield / Hell Is for Children."]

Irresponsible headline! I admit...it was funny, but not substantiated, therefore should not be used![itsme_crazydad, mistaking me for CNN]

Should read: Chicken Shit Wonder, I Have No Balls! Isn't it covenient to point here & point there. As a Christian I'm telling you that we don't need cowards like you anyways. Go watch Martha with your other girly boys & maybe the gay news will tell you of a new big bang here comes the monkey man.[Greg, bigot]

What a nice blog. Satan commends you, I am sure. I love anything that exposes any of the chinks in the Christian armor.[re22666, Satan's publicist]

What a frightened little boy you are. May I suggest a lobotomy? It obviously can do little harm & it might prevent more or your diseased gibberish from poisoning other unsuspecting readers - put then - that is what little cowards like you enjoy, isn't it? Must suck to born dead. [The brave "Anonymous" calling me coward in her laughably snide yet seemingly unrelated reply to a story on Boy Scouts paying rental fees. BEEPBEEP. Yes, Dajoro? What is "why they put May Cause Toothlessness & Impotency warnings on Home Lobotomy kits?" That is correct for $600! You have control of the board - pick a category. Alex, let's continue with Ironic Self-Defeat for $800! And the answer is...DINGDINGDING! A Daily Double!]

One of the best-kept secrets in the atheist blogosphere.[Evangelical Atheist, best $100 I ever spent]

More feedback down below...

'You Are Godless!' 'You probably have several people praying daily for your soul'

Fun with Captions

In the Ass? Thought Susan. Well, if Bobby did it, I suppose I can, too.

Fun with Captions

Cheney vs. The Impaler, 2008When informed of Jon the Impaler's intended 2008 presidential run at a press conference this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney - a possible candidate himself - merely laughed, causing the lights in the room to flicker. "Does he advocate torture? Not just impaling, which can kill you instantly if not done properly, but the actual prolonged, hands-on, systematic mutilation of his enemies?" he asked the reporter. "I didn't think so. And he calls himself 'evil'? Pussy!" And then he bit the head off a kitten.

'In the beginning, there was Starbucks. God said, Let there be [Noun]...!'

Fun with Captions

Doves 3, 4 & 5As children screamed, women fainted, and Vatican guards vomited in horror, a calm came over the Holy See, even as the tasers impotently flooded his body with electricity. He smiled serenely as the next Easter Dove took flight. And with an almost imperceptable flick of his tongue - only confirmed later by slowing the video - the third dove disappeared into the dark deep of John Paul. And then, as he sat motionless to the naked eye, gone went doves four and five, a single feather the only evidence they had existed at all. When a crying child ran up to John Paul, sobbing hysterically and looking for the birds, the pope smiled down at her, calmly, sweetly, and she disappeared. That's when they brought out the guns. John Paul, somehow sensing the danger, turned ever so slightly and sprung out of his chair in a blur just as the tranquelizer darts peppered the still-inflating pope-shaped impression left behind. Cackling madly, the Pontiff scurried up the wall spider-like, disappearing through an open window. Three days and 47 corpses later, he was finally recaptured.

'When a Bell Rings, You'll Shoot Your Eye Out - the Power of Christ Compels You!'

30-Second Bunnies Theatre cartoons

Fun with Captions

Pope the Question'...and make me the happiest man on Earth?'

'Just Shut the Motherfuck!'

Supermonk cartoon

Fun with Captions

'Testi! Venti!'What started out as a playful mock struggle for the holy staff while photographers snapped away turned into something quite different when the pope suddenly and unexpectedly slapped Mother Teresa, hard, sending her dentures skittering across the floor. Hissing, the nun sprang backwards, sparrowlike, landing a safe distance away, like gravity was her pretty little bitch.'Testi!Venti!'She muttered a few words in some ancient Italian dialect, her hideous claw carving strange symbols in the air, and then disappeared in a puff of red smoke, her cackle echoing long after her departure. 'Whatever,' smirked John Paul. Whatever indeed. The gypsy curse took effect at sundown. And 'balls the size of Noah's ark' wasn't a compliment after all.

You Are God! Your people have angered you greatly & deserve to be punished! Punish Away, oh Great One!

Wrath II game

Fun with Captions

DNA Debunks Mormonism'Your lab results are in - you might want to sit down. I wish I had better news: Your Mormonism tested positive for Bullshit. I'm very sorry. You have the Absolute viral strain, which is, as you know, terminal. There are no known treatments and no cure. Absolute Bullshit is Absolute Bullshit, as they say. No, denial will only prolong the inevitable. Ooh, and look here: Those "seer stones" of yours? Just rocks. Silly little rocks. Oh, please, have a Kleenex. Now if you'll excuse me, I have other patients. Please pay the nurse on your way out. Cash only. *click* Mary? Please send in the Scientologist... *click* (God, I love this job!)'

The Way of the Dodo...Archives & Directories

ARCHIVES

MYTHS of the Month

Sidebar Themed LISTSPosts That Make the Baby Jesus Cry *
Posts That Make Pat Robertson Hard As a Rock *
Posts That Just Piss Popes Off *
Posts That Make Satan Giggle Like a Schoolgirl *
Posts That Make Santa Choke on His Nog, Trip Over Toy, Crush Hapless Elf

ZzzzT! 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' Zzzzzzzzt!

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah video

Fun with Captions

'Pretty!''MINE! GROWR!'Popes are drawn to shiny or colorful objects, an attraction that can have tragic, even deadly consequences, as the family of young Maria Cortez, shown here with her head attached, is about to discover. Let's watch...

'And May God Continue Providing a Deep Hatred. God Bless America!'

Bush Speech Writer composer

Fun with Captions

Tammy Faye Theater: Episode IIIYour Host, Miss Tammy Faye Bakker: MESSNER, Goddammit! How many times do I have to tel-Your Host, Miss Tammy Faye Messner: Helllooooo, viewers! I'm pleased as punch that you've joined us once again for another sordid tale of preacher wives gone bad here on public access Channel 91. You might notice a few changes in our little show. First, our timeslot. Thanks to the success of some godawful show called Manny Pets His Monkey, which sounds like it violates one or two of God's laws, we've been pushed to 2:12am. Oh, I'm looking into that Manny, believe you me. Secondly, as some of our loyal viewers have noticed (I got your letter - bless your heart), we've been off the air since our last two episodes. You might have read in the tabloids that I "stormed off the show" in a "drunken haze" and then "demanded mass firings." All lies! Lies lies lies! A] I do not "storm off shows" - that's for those Shannon Dougherties or whatever the Hell her name is. I'm a lady, thank you - I "make an exit." B] I was not "drunk." Not exactly. And C] I have a new crew! My previous stage manager whose-name-will-not-be-mentioned-in-my-presence has left our little family and took all those unwashed cameramen with him. I wish them well in their future endeavors blah blah blah. Now I have Morty - say hello, Morty ('Howdy') - and a new camera crew that hardly smell at all! And unlike that bastard Jack, Morty has vowed, as God is his witness, to count me down before we go live each show so I'm not caught off-gua-what, Morty? Buddhist?! Who said you could be a Buddhist?! You don't even look Oriental! Oh dear! SOMEONE CHECK ON MY GINGER! I know what you Orientals do with dogs! She could be a stew by now! And who authorized hiring heathens?! Get my agent on the phone! I feel a dramatic exit coming on. Ooh, speaking of exits, that brings us to today's show - ripped from the headlines! The whole country is asking: Where is Mary Winkler? Is she on the lam, gun still smoking, her preacher husband's blood drying in her hair, cackling madly? Or is she captive to the real killers, some devil cult, forced to perform sex acts on strapping young satanic teenage boys with big meaty p-ooh, goodness! Morty, can we turn up the A/C? We may never know the truth about this terrible event, or we may know any minute! So before we do, let's watch today's dramatic reenactment starring Mindy Cohn, who I found rummaging through my trash this morning for empty pop cans, bless her heart, and who, in exchange for me dropping the charges, has agreed to appear in today's episode. Nat's big comeback! So without further ado, Mindy Cohn as Mary Winkler in the Tammy Faye Theater presentation of "Highway to Hell: The Mary Winkler Mystery"!

'Where Can I Get Some Cat Miracle?'

iGod interactive chat

Fun with Captions

Indianapolis 500 Million BCAnnnnnd they're off!

'Deploy Your Noodly Appendage Toward the Scurrying People!'

Flying Spaghetti Monster game

Fun with Captions

Mormons = Comic GoldJesus and Felipe argue over who has to take the Jeep out for tacos.

'Let Jesus Hula His Way into Your Heart in a Coconut Bra & Grass Skirt!'

Jesus Dress-Up interactive doll

Fun with Captions

How To Bitchslap a CatholicOkay...let's see. Got it. Yes! Right. Well, naturally. OK, I think I'm ready. Pimps: Is there anything they don't know? Oh, here comes our Catholic now..."Over the centuries, the 'Pope Joan' story has been used as a slanderous tool to tarnish the Catholic Church and degrade Catholics.""That a major network like ABC would lend credibility to such a vicious anti-Catholic smear is""deplorable. What""could""be""worse?"Dammit! For the love of Snoop, it's not working! This crazy bitch just keeps yapping and yapping and now my hand hur-ooh, look!

'The Demonic Possession of a 19-year-old College Student by Bill Cosby'

The Exorcism of Evan Rose video

Fun with Captions

Tammy Faye Theatre: Episode IIYour host, Miss Tammy Faye Bakker: '...will count me down this week for a damn change before we go live, right? At least 'Say Cheese' or something! Honestly, Jack! My Ginger shits better stage directors than you! Don't you, Ging-DON'T INTERRUPT ME, goddammit! What?! We Are?! Now?!? WHAT DID I JUST FUC-Helllloooo, viewers! I'm so happy you're joining me for tonight's Tammy Faye Theater's Dinner & Movie here on public access Channel 91! You bring the dinner and moi brings the movie! Tonight's TFT drama is ripped straight from today's headlines - literally. And with only 15mn of rehearsal from a script written in lipstick on shopping bags while I was at Gelson's this morning, I think you'll agree that Meredith Baxter Birney - God bless her [dabs eye] - does a marvelous job as tonight's Fallen Preacher's Wife: The lovely, and now dangerous Victoria Osteen. Oooh! Beauty! Youth! Glamour! Power! Wealth! Family! Fame! She has it all - but nearly lost it al-oh, and God! She has God! But nearly lost it all this week in a diva eruption that made Oprah break a nail and that was felt as far away as Elton John! Oh, dear! I heard RuPaul came completely untucked! That Vicki's a firecracker! [giggles] Now, we all know how horrible those waitresses on airplanes are, but I've tried to tell Vicki that this isn't the 80s. In my day, before Jim screwed it all up, if my Ginger's ice wasn't cold enough and the waitress sassed me about ice having to be cold or it's water or some such nonsense, that waitress was FIRED! I'M TAMMY FAYE BAKKER, GODDAMMIT! [wine spills] She's the HELP! And so they'd kick HER off, not ME! Open that door, hand her a parachute and a map of the South Pacific, and then, poof, one nudge of a Gucci pump and she was sassing sharks! [giggles, dabs eye] Goodness! Those days were such a hoot! But those days are gone, honey! As dead as those awful waitresses. Today, remember two words: Air Marshals! You so much as drop a napkin in the aisle these days and they shoot you in the head and say you're one of those sand people! Vicki, praise Jesus, did not get shot in the head, or anywhere for that matter. But she made quite a stir, as we'll see in just a moment! So let's pour our wine, viewers....there we go. Let's see...mine's called Charles Shaw! Ooh! Sounds fancy! Oops, I've poured too much! Again! [giggle] Oh dear, this is fun! We should have wine on every show! Now viewers, gently grab the corner of the lid...are you ready? And 1...2...3! Woosh! [giggles, dabs eyes] Oh dear! Praise Jesus! So we have our glass of wine, possibly our third, our Lean Cuisine, and a toy poodle or beloved miniature pet of your choice (say hello Ginger). So settle in for tonight's Dinner & Movie feature. Meredith Baxter Birney, bless her heart, in God Is My Co-Pilot So I Don't Need Your Tacky Damn Plane!: The Vicki O Story!! [smile] Are we done? I've gotta pee. Get this chicken breast thing away from me. I'll take the wine to my dressing ro-What? Who? Are we playing charades now, Jack? What the hell are y-'

Organizations, Groups & Resources, Some with Websites That Make Me Sleepy

'God Hates You'

Fun with Captions

Nunbelievable!

Sister Mary BernardDesperate HousewivesIn 10 Words: Attractive, Intimidating, Tenacious, Pugnacious, Self-Confident, Manipulative, Tough, Ass-Kicking Chicago Girl Bitch. This Week: After learning Gaby was responsible for her sudden reassignment far away - and a safe distance from Gaby's husband, who the nun was trying to convince to annul his marriage to shallow Gaby for his own "spiritual growth" (she wanted him) - Sister Mary went berserk and attacked Gaby. Right there, in the church, fists flying, furniture shattering, and pews crashing as horrified children gasped and I nearly choked on my wine. [Wipes tear.] I'll sure miss her.Runner-Up:The Nun Bun, that stolen muffin that looks like, and is just as inedible as, Mother Teresa 3rd Place: The Drunk-Driving, Cop-Bribing NunHall-of-Fame: That Flying Gidget Gump

'A Great Army Has Amassed on the Nun Homeworld'

Nungunner game

Fun with Captions

Gravity's Just StupidAs proof of Intelligent Falling, evangelicals point out that the apple "fell" on Isaac Newton's head (an event with no witnesses, they note) - yet stayed aloft for Eve to pluck. Why did the apple not "fall" on Eve? "God, that's why. See?" They also point out that Christ's ascension (which was witnessed, they add) didn't end with him falling to the Earth in a pile of broken bones, mangled flesh, and exploding internal organs. Why? "God, that's why. See? Gravity's just stupid."

Blasphemies, Heresies & Assorted Truths

I'm an atheist, and that's it. I believe there's nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for other people. [Katharine Hepburn, actress]

I do not believe in religion, but if I had to choose one, it would be Buddhism... But Buddhists say we come back as animals, and they refer to them as lesser beings. Well, animals aren't lesser beings; they're just like us. So I say fuck the Buddhists... I've got my own religion... If I get into trouble, there is no God or Allah to sort me out. I have to do it myself. [Bjork, musician]

New:The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honorable but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. [Albert Einstein, physicist]

New: [If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?] My son, I saw what you did in the garage, and you're still welcomed here. [laughter] See, you were wrong. I do exist. [Ray Romano, actor]

At present there is not a single credible established religion in the world... The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality. [George Bernard Shaw, playwright]

If there was a god, I’d still have both nuts...I don't have anything against organized religion, per se. We all need something in our lives. I personally just have not accepted that belief. But I'm one of the few… At the end of the day, if there is indeed some Body or presence standing there to judge me, I hope I would be judged on whether I had lived a true life, not on whether I believed in a certain book, or whether I'd been baptized. If there is indeed a God at the end of my days, I hope he doesn't say, "But you were never a Christian, so you're going the other way from heaven." If so, I am going to reply, "You know what? You're right. Fine.” [Lance Armstrong, athlete]

New: A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this [Emmy] award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Suck it, Jesus. This award is my god now. [Kathy Griffin, comedian]

[Pointing at priest with his hand on a boy's shoulder.] That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen. Run, little boy! Run for your life! [Alfred Hitchcock, director]

Updated: [What religion are you?] You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uhhh, Christianity... And what if we picked the wrong religion?! Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!... The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!... [God's] my favorite fictional character... [Homer, that's not God! That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there!] Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but...mmmmmmmm... sacrelicious... I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is - and it's me. [Homer Simpson, nuclear engineer]

The Christian god is a three-headed monster; cruel, vengeful, and capricious. If one wishes to know more of this raging, three-headed beast-like god, one only needs to look at the caliber of people who say they serve him. They are always of two classes: fools and hypocrites... Religions are all alike – founded upon fables and mythologies... It is always better to have no ideas than false ones; to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong. [possibly Thomas Jefferson, U.S. President]

What I believe most religious tenets to be are man-made after the fact. The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction. [applause]No, no! Don't clap, don't clap! That's what gets me killed! [Janeane Garofalo, comedian]

Maybe I would believe in God if he believed in me. [Arthur Miller, playwright]

I don't believe in Heaven and Hell. I don't know if I believe in God. All I know is that as an individual, I won't allow this life - the only thing I know to exist - to be wasted. [George Clooney, actor]

No man who ever lived knows any more about the hereafter... than you and I; and all religion... is simply evolved out of chicanery, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. [Edgar Allen Poe, author]

New:I hate religion. I think it's a neurological disorder...I think that the people who think God wrote a book called The Bible are just childish. Religion is so childish. What they're fighting about in the Middle East, it's so childish. These myths, these silly little stories that they believe in fundamentally, that they take over this little space in Jerusalem where one guy flew up to heaven—no, no, this guy performed a sacrifice here a thousand million years ago. It's like, "Who cares?"...This whole gay issue wouldn't even be an issue except it says it in the Bible. The Bible, that book that has people lived to be 900 years old and says the world is 6,000 years old, and that there are people who lived in a whale. That infallible work of genius and slavery is OK. You should stone a guy to death if he works on Sunday. That's the book that says, sorry no queers. So I'm sorry, I don't respect people who believe in religion.I was religious when I was a kid. We all had dumb stuff drilled into our head. It doesn't mean when you get to be an adult you can't drill it out. I tell you something else they drilled into my head when I was a kid, mercury in my cavities. We found out later mercury is so bad we shouldn't even eat it when there is a trace of it in fish. But it was drilled into my teeth. So when I got older, I had it drilled out. You can do the same thing with religion. [Bill Maher, political humorist]

Climbed over mountains, traveled the sea, cast out all Heaven, cast down on my knees; I've lain with the Devil, cursed God above, forsaken Heaven, to bring you my love. ["To Bring You My Love" by P.J. Harey, musician]

I'm completely atheist... I do like [going to church] but I have the sort of conscience that says if you go you are supporting the myth. And it makes me angry. [Alan Cumming, actor]

Religion is the idol of the mob: It adores everything it does not understand. [Frederick the Great, King of Prussia]

New: Let there be light! Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger? [God, Judeo-Christian deity]

I live for now, not for what happens after I die. If I die and there's something afterwards, I'm going to Hell, not Heaven. I mean, the Devil's got all the good gear. What's God got? The Inspiral Carpets and nuns. Fuck that. [Liam Gallagher of Oasis, musician]

Theology is never any help. It is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything. [Robert A. Heinlein, author]

I will not swear on God. I will not swear on God because I don't believe in the conventional God, but will swear on my children and my grandchildren. [Marlon Brando, actor]

I go on record by stating that I do not believe in God. [Todd McFarlane, comic book creator]

New: Please do not offer my god a peanut... I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. [Homer: You're...selling what, now?] I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. [You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! (slams door)] He's got me there. [Apu, Hindu]

By maintaining the separation of church and state, the United States has avoided the intolerance which has so divided the rest of the world with religious wars... To retreat from that separation would violate the principles of conservatism and the values upon which the framers built this democratic republic. [Barry Goldwater, Republican icon]

[Do you have religious beliefs?] None whatsoever. To be perfectly frank, I really do not…I believe in sleeping. [Bruce Lee, martial artist]

The secret to getting donations is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. Then you explain how they’re systematically working to destroy everything you hold dear. It’s a war of values! Rational discussion is hopeless! Compromise is unthinkable! Our only hope is well-funded antagonism, so we need your money to keep up the fight! [Calvin, boy]

What the mind doesn't understand it worships or fears. [Alice Walker, author]

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The morning daylight appears plainer when you put out your candle... I have found Christian dogma unintelligible. Early in life, I absenteed myself from Christian assemblies... Lighthouses are more helpful than churches. [Benjamin Franklin, statesman]

Hate to break it to you, but there is no God... I'm sickened by all religions. Religion has divided people. I don't think there's any difference between the pope wearing a large hat and parading around with a smoking purse and an African painting his face white and praying to a rock... Here's what happens when you die - you sit in a box and get eaten by worms. I promise you that when you die, nothing cool happens. [Howard Stern, radio personality]

I turned to speak to God, About the world's despair; But to make bad matters worse, I found God wasn't there. [Robert Frost, poet]

The most heinous and the most cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives. [Gandhi, philosopher]

I don't believe in the afterlife. I believe this is it, and I believe it's the best way to live. [Natalie Portman, actress]

That's all religion is - some principle you believe in... Man has accomplished far more miracles than the God he invented. What a tragedy it is to invent a God and then suffer to keep him King. [Rod Steiger, actor]

I believe that there is no God. I'm beyond Atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy - you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do... Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-o, and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have... We were asked to do autographs for Donny and Marie. I wrote, "There is no god," and Teller wrote, "He's right." [Penn Jillette, magician]

Incurably religious, that is the best way to describe the mental condition of so many people... Religion is all bunk. [Thomas Edison, inventor]

I'm an atheist, for Chrissake!... How unfortunate it is to assign responsibility to the higher up for justice amongst people. [Ani DiFranco, musician]

Along with Einstein's General Theory of Relativity, the invention of God is probably the greatest creation of human thought. [Neil Jordan, writer-director]

There is so much in the Bible against which every instinct of my being rebels, so much so that I regret the necessity which has compelled me to read it through from beginning to end. I do not think that the knowledge I have gained of its history and sources compensates me for the unpleasant details it has forced upon my attention. [Helen Keller, essayist]

I don't believe in God now. I can still work up an envy for someone who has a faith. I can see how that could be a deeply soothing experience. [Jack Nicholson, actor]

I grew tired of religion some time not long after birth. I believe in people, I believe in humans, I believe in a car, but I don't believe something I can have absolutely no evidence of for millenniums. And it's funny - people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and they go to church! [John Malkovich, actor]

I'm not really cut out to be a politician. You know that I sometimes don't know when to shut up. That could be a drawback. I'm an atheist. So there you go right there. I can't be elected to anything because polls all say that people won't elect an atheist. [Ron Reagan, Jr., Democrat]

The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion... This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it. [John Adams, U.S. President]

I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly! [Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.] What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! [He is! He is the Messiah!] Now, fuck off! [How shall we fuck off, O Lord?] [Brian, messiah]

Praying is like a rocking chair - it'll give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere. [Gypsy Rose Lee, stripper]

Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived... I don't have the evidence to prove that God doesn't exist, but I so strongly suspect that he doesn't that I don't want to waste my time... To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature... Imagine the people who believe such things, these ignorant people, the most uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who would make themselves the guides and leaders of us all; who would force their feeble and childish beliefs on us; who would invade our schools and libraries and homes. I personally resent it bitterly. [Isaac Asimov, author]

Although I'm not Christian, I was raised Christian. I'm an atheist, with a slight Buddhist leaning. I've got a very strong sense of morality. [Rachel Griffiths, actress]

[Is there a God?] No. What further is there to say? [Armisted Maupin, author]

All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit... Toleration is not the opposite of intolerance but the counterfeit of it. Both are despotisms: the one assumes to itself the right of withholding liberty of conscience, the other of granting it... The most detestable wickedness, the most horrid cruelties, and the greatest miseries that have afflicted the human race have had their origin in this thing called revelation, or revealed religion... Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and tortuous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize humankind; and, for my part, I sincerely detest it, as I detest everything that is cruel... I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my church. [Thomas Paine, statesman]

If there is a God, all evidence shows that He hates me. [Matt Groening, cartoonist]

New: I will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly, and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith. [God, Judeo-Christian deity]

Life has no meaning beyond this reality. But people keep searching for excuses... People call it truth, religion; I call it insanity, the denial of death as the basic truth of life. "What is the meaning of life?" is a stupid question. Life just exists... I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it. [Jackie Mason, comedian]

Think, just think, about how every last man and woman and child of the Pharisees was killed for their blasphemy and their infidelity when their greatest crime was they were mistaken. So they believed in the wrong God - they should be killed for this? Is this justice? Is it? No, this is not what a fair God would do. And why does it not say anywhere in the Bible that slavery is wrong? It only says that you should treat your slaves well. Well, I don't care if you treat them well. How is it possible that it is not immoral to own another person? [Mira Sorvino, actress]

Intelligent design is not a serious alternative to science. If you choose to believe in fairy tales, that's your decision... Anyone who believes in intelligent design cannot be that intelligent. Your Mr. Bush appears to believe in it. [Richard Leakey, paleontologist]

It's an incredible con job when you think of it, to believe something now in exchange for life after death. Even corporations with all their reward systems don't try to make it posthumous. [Gloria Steinem, feminist activist]

I can very well do without God both in my life and in my painting. But I cannot, suffering as I am, do without something which is greater than I am - which is my life, the power to create. [Vincent van Gogh, painter]

It stands for everything most hostile to the mental emancipation and stimulation of mankind. It is the completest, most highly organized system of prejudices and antagonism in existence. Everywhere in the world there are ignorance and prejudice, but the greatest complex of these, with the most extensive prestige and the most intimate entanglement with traditional institutions, is the Roman Catholic Church. It presents many faces to the world, but everywhere it is systematic in its fight against freedom. [H.G. Wells, author]

To create a universe, you must taste the forbidden fruit. Deus does not exist, but he does, he’d want to get down from that cloud. ["Deus" by The Sugarcubes, musicians]

New: [If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?] Oh, you know something? I'm so far away from believing that it exists, and the only thing I know are jokes about it. [Donald Sutherland, actor]

Even though I don't personally believe in the Lord, I try to behave as though He was watching. [Christopher Reeve, actor]

Once I stayed up for three weeks in a row because I felt like I was called upon to write a new religion for women. I was reading all these books, including the Bible - and I'm an atheist! [Margot Kidder, actress]

There is no God, Nature sufficeth unto herself; in no wise hath she need of an author. [Marquis de Sade, author]

I am not religious - quite the opposite. It would seem, particularly at the moment that in certain countries to deny having faith is virtually to admit to being a worshipper of the devil. Such is the fear, hate and hostility created by the believers of this so-called all-forgiving God. I worship nothing. Not a good lie nor a dark one. If nature is proof of God's amazing creation, then I have truly seen the light, and the light is black. Nature is genius at its most cruel and savage. No benevolent God could have come up with such an outrage. [Gary Numan, musician]

[In a church] Stupid people! You reek of dirt and stupidity!... You talk of heaven, pointing with your fingers over your head. What heaven is there? There is only air, clouds which give rain, lightning which makes a loud sound and breaks the tree branches, and birds flying. There are no boys with wings nor any ladies or gentlemen sitting on clouds... If there really is a Holy Virgin or anyone up in the air, tell them to send lightning to strike me down or let the stones of the vault fall on my head. If you are unable to do that Mr. Priest, you're nothing but a puppet taking money from stupid old women. You're no better than the clown in the circus coaxing coins from the public. If God doesn't stop me, then there must be no God. Get out of here! You see, there is no God! You're all stupid cows! [Diego Rivera, painter]

Although I'm an atheist, I don't fear death more than, say, sharing a room in a detox center with a sobbing Rush Limbaugh...This is why I'm returning to Opus. [Berkeley Breathed, cartoonist]

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Okay. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. I noticed that of all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers that I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. [George Carlin, comedian]

I don't follow any organized religion, but I do believe in the idea of god as a verb - being love and light. And that we are part of everything as everything is part of us. [Sarah McLachlan, musician]

When I think of all the harm the Bible has done, I despair of ever writing anything to equal it... Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived. [Oscar Wilde, poet]

I'm an atheist, but I have a great fascination with this issue - over God and whether there is one or not. I come to (my belief) personally for my own reasons and my own decisions. But I respect anybody who believes anything, I don't have the ultimate answers about anything. [John Carpenter, writer-director]

Whether you interpret the Bible as literature or as the final word of whatever God may be, Christianity has given us an image of death and sexuality that we have based our culture around. A half-naked dead man hangs in most homes and around our necks, and we have just taken that for granted all of our lives... Who wants to go to Heaven with all those asshole angels? [Marilyn Manson, musician]

New: 'Thank the Lord'? That sounded like a prayer! A prayer in a public school! Religion has no place in public schools the way facts have no place in organized religion! ['Super Nintendo' Chalmers, superintendent of schools]

The only responsibilty is to ourselves. If we all found God tomorrow and wanted to do a gospel show, we would do it. I never will - I'm an atheist. But if we drive people away because of the music we're making or what we're saying, fine. Don't. [Peter Buck of REM, musician]

I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use. [Galileo, explorer]

Just to clarify... I am Jewish, but I was raised superstitious. I actually don't believe in God. I do believe, though, that you shouldn't step on the cracks on the sidewalk. And science will bear me out, that it actually is dangerous. [So you are atheistic?] Yes. And my parents were atheists. [Jonathan Katz, comedian]

I love the idea of God, but it's not stylistically in keeping with the way I function. I would describe myself as an enthusiastic agnostic who would be happy to be shown that there is a God. I can see that people who believe in God are happier... But I doubt. [Carrie Fisher, author-actress]

I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own - a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty... I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it... Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. [Albert Einstein, physicist]

Religious hatreds ought not to be propagated at all, but certainly not on a tax-exempt basis. [James A. Michener, author]

New: I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose. [Clarence Darrow, lawyer]

I always say that if God is hydrogen and helium, then yes, I believe in God, too… Some people have written and accused me of a dogmatic fanaticism in my non-belief. I disagree. My disbelief in God is just like my disbelief in Santa Claus. If there is solid scientific evidence that shows a creator God who cares about us humans and offers an eternal life, I am completely open to that and I would change my mind based on it. I have not yet seen evidence that comes close. And yes, it’s true: I am not going to spend all my time searching for evidence that I am wrong. I did do that for years and I came to a certain conclusion and I’m going to stick with it until I find compelling evidence to the contrary. Michael Shermer says you should be open-minded but not so open-minded that your brains fall out. I think that’s a good stance. [Julia Sweeney, actress-comedian]

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. [Thomas Szasz, psychiatrist]

This whole Christian theology thing is that God came down to experience life through his son. Well, how's he experiencing life if he doesn't get laid? Give me a break. And why would he not get laid, as he created the apparatus in the first place? [Tori Amos, musician]

The more I read about man and his maniacal ruthlessness and his murderous envious scatological soul, the more I realize that he will never change. Our stupidity is immortal, nothing will change it. The same mistakes, the same prejudices, the same injustice, the same lusts wheel endlessly around the parade ground of the centuries. Immutable and ineluctable. I wish I could believe in a god of some kind, but I simply cannot. [Sir Richard Burton, actor]

I'm so not ready to die. It petrifies me. I go alone. I go to a place I don't know. It might be painful. It might be the end. My thought is that it is the end. I become nameless, and I spent a lifetime being known. [William Shatner, actor]

The American people need no course in philosophy or political science or church history to know that God should not be made into a celestial party chairman. To most of us, the manipulative invoking of religion to advance a politician or a party is frightening and divisive... But the American people are leery about large religious groups engaging in such activities because our innate wisdom and democratic instinct teaches us these things are dangerous... We know that the price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that they might someday force theirs on us. [Mario Cuomo, Governor of New York]

I'm an atheist. So God, if She exists, isn't really a part of my life. [Ian McKellan, actor]

I'm an atheist... The fact is, the Christian mythos has a powerful fascination to me, and it bleeds into my storytelling. Redemption, hope, purpose, Santa, these all are important to me, whether I believe in an afterlife or some universal structure or not. [Joss Whedon, writer-director]

Dear God, hope you got the letter, and I pray you can make it better down here. I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer. But all the people that you made in your image, see them starving on their feet 'cause they don't get enough to eat from God. I can't believe in you. Dear God, sorry to disturb you, but I feel that I should be heard loud and clear. We all need a big reduction in amount of tears. And all the people that you made in your image, see them fighting in the street 'cause they can't make opinions meet about God. I can't believe in you. Did you make disease, and the diamond blue? Did you make mankind after we made you? And the devil. too? Dear God, don't know if you noticed, but your name is on a lot of quotes in this book. And us crazy humans wrote it – you should take a look. And all the people that you made in your image still believing that junk is true. Well I know it ain't, and so do you, dear God. I can't believe in I don't believe in…I won't believe in heaven and hell. No saints, no sinners, no Devil, as well. No pearly gates, no thorny crown. You're always letting us humans down. The wars you bring, the babes you drown. Those lost at sea and never found, and it's the same the whole world 'round. The hurt I see helps to compound that Father, Son and Holy Ghost is just somebody's unholy hoax. And if you're up there you'd perceive that my heart's here upon my sleeve. If there's one thing I don't believe in - it's you, dear god. [“Dear God” by XTC, musicians]

What happens in our lives is not really anybody's fault but our own... When I was in high school, I was in an atheist crowd, and it was the consensus that religion was a crutch. [Gillian Anderson, actress]

Religion is an illusion... The whole thing is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life... Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis. [Sigmund Freud, psychiatrist]

I think that God that we created... is a pretty villainous creature. I think that one of the things that male patriarchal figure has done is, allowed under its - His church, His wing - all kinds of corruption and villainies to grow and fester. In the name of God terrible wars have been waged; in the name of that God terrible sexism has been allowed to spread... I don't believe that God exists. I think that God is creation of men, by men, and for men. [Clive Barker, author-director]

New: [If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?] You see, I do exist. [Kevin Kline, actor]

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion - I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyred for my religion - Love is my religion. I could die for that. [John Keats, poet]

Organized religions in general, in my opinion, are dying forms. They were all very important when we didn't know why the sun moved, why weather changed, why hurricanes occurred, or volcanoes happened. Modern religion is the end trail of modern mythology. But there are people who interpret the Bible literally. Literally! I choose not to believe that's the way. And that's what makes America cool, you know? [Bruce Willis, actor]

Men think epilepsy divine, merely because they do not understand it. But if they called everything divine which they do not understand, why, there would be no end of divine things. [Hippocrates, philosopher]

I would thank God, but I don't believe in it... It's like a movie that was way too popular. It's a story that's been told too many times and just doesn't mean anything... All I really believe in is this moment, like right now. [Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam, musician]

Other world? There is no other world; here or nowhere is the whole fact. [Ralph Waldo Emerson, poet]

New: Get a divorce. [Isn't that a sin?] Marge, everything is a sin. Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom... Marge, you can save more souls with rollerskates and Easy Bake ovens than with this 2,000-page sleeping pill!... [Aren't you going to give him the last rites?] That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance... There's more to being a minister than not caring about people... Oh Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same... I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth - and then died - only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy. [Timothy Lovejoy, reverend]

The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance... logic can be happily tossed out the window. [Stephen King, author]

I used to go to Mass with my friends, and I viewed the whole business as a lot of very enthralling hocus-pocus. There's a guy hanging upon the wall in the church, nailed to a cross and dripping blood, and everybody's blaming themselves for that man's torment, but I said to myself, "Forget it. I had no hand in that evil. I have no original sin Theres no blood of any sacred martyr an my hands. I pass on all of this"… I gradually decided that just because I didn't have or couldn't find the ultimate answer didn't mean I was going to buy the religious fairytale. We should all struggle to the last to hold on to life, and religion encourages people to give up on making this life work because the supposed next life will be fairer. Religion is the source of too many of the world's worst problems. I believe that all important matters have to be settled here, not in the clouds somewhere after we kick off. [Billy Joel, musician]

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"... The absolute nothingness of death is a blessing. Something to look forward to. [Quentin Crisp, author]

I am quite flattered that you [the interviewer] view me as a liberal Jew like yourself. Although raised a conservative Methodist, I am, in fact, a liberal atheist. Many people mistake me for Irish. [Paula Poundstone, comedian]

I myself am no longer religious in the sense that a long-ago altar boy thought he should be, but I can respond to the power of belief whether I agree or not, and when I find it in a film, I must respect it. [Roger Ebert, critic]

Men create gods after their own image, not only with regard to their form but with regard to their mode of life... Prayers and sacrifices are of no avail. [Aristotle, philosopher]

New: The problem with religion or the state for that matter is that it involves putting faith in something above yourself. They take power and responsibility away from ordinary people and undervalue people's worth... We don't believe in god on any level. Religion is a socially acceptable version of heroin, it's a prop which fucks people up and over. And as Blaise Pascal so aptly put it: 'Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.' [Chumbawamba, musicians]

I do not need the idea of God to explain the world I live in. God, Satan, Paradise, and Hell all vanished one day in my 15th year, when I quite abruptly lost my faith... Afterwards, to prove my new-found atheism, I bought myself a rather tasteless ham sandwich, and so partook for the first time of the forbidden flesh of the swine. No thunderbolt arrived to strike me down. [Salman Rushdie, novelist]

The sheep are running scared tonight; the cows are coming home. They cling together terrified, afraid to be alone…They don’t know who to run to; they don’t know where to go. Unless you tell them what to think, they don’t know what they know…They’re looking for an answer. They’re looking for more. Just what are they looking up here to me for? They’re looking for Jesus; they’re looking for Christ. They’re looking for some human sacrifice. It looks like Jonestown, again. [“Jonestown” by Concrete Blonde, musicians]

I'm Godless. And so I've had to make my God, and my God is narrative filmmaking, which is - ultimately what my God becomes, which is what my mantra becomes, is the theme. [Darren Aronofsky, director]

Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning. [Bill Gates, mogul]

I don't believe in God, I'm an atheist but matters of spirit and of the mind transcend all political affiliations... I acknowledge that religion may be socially necessary as an ethical counterweight to natural human ferocity. The primitive marauding impulse can emerge very swiftly in the alienated young. [Camille Paglia, critic]

I'm glad some people have that faith. I don't have that faith. If there is a God, a caring God, then we have to figure he's done an extraordinary job of making a very cruel world. [Dave Matthews, musician]

There seems to me too much misery in the world. I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created that a cat should play with mice. [Charles Darwin, scientist]

New: I'm totally disinterested, personally, with that sort of thing. [The occult] does absolutely nothing for me. I'm neither religious nor superstitious. At best I can be counted as an agnostic. Science and technology get me a lot more excited. [Roman Polanski, director]

Despite all the advancements in science, and all things about religion that are disproved it still marches on. The bottom line is that the only real, absolutely provable answers about life and our place in the universe are provided by science, and religion has been holding down science since day one…Every single religion that has ever been on the face of the Earth, ever, is a cult. That's all they are. Just a cult with millions of people in them. Meanwhile, they have a bunch of really bad...stories that require more belief than an episode of I Dream of Jeannie. You're supposed to just go along with it. Meanwhile your brain is just spinning, going, "How is this real?” They will just not listen to logic. To me, that's fascinating that so many people are willing to buy into it. It's because people need answers. I'd rather have no answers than a(n) answer that makes me an idiot. [Joe Rogan, actor-comedian]

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people. [Karl Marx, philosopher]

Isn't the essential pillar of Catholicism papal infallibility? Well, then how can the church ever change its mind about anything unless God gets confused one day? Not all religions claim the direct authority of God speaking to their leader. You know, I'm an atheist, but I'm a Puritan atheist. [Dave Foley, actor-comedian]

By simple common sense I don't believe in God, in none. [Charlie Chaplin, actor]

Questioning my spiritual life has always been germane to what I was writing. Always. It's because I'm not quite an atheist and it worries me. There's that little bit that holds on: "Well, I'm almost an atheist. Give me a couple of months.” [David Bowie, musician]

If the concept of God has any validity or use, it can only be to make us larger, freer, and more loving. If God cannot do this, then it is time we got rid of Him. [James Baldwin, author]

It's perfectly clear to me that religion is a myth. It's something we have invented to explain the inexplicable. My religion and the spiritual side of my life come from a sense of connection to the humankind and nature on this planet and in the universe. I am in overwhelming awe of it all: It is so fantastic, so complex, so beyond comprehension. What does it all mean - if it has any meaning at all? But how can it all exist if it doesn't have some kind of meaning? I think anyone who suggests that they have the answer is motivated by the need to invent answers, because we have no such answers. [Hugh Hefner, Playboy publisher]

New: I'm not giving it up for anybody. Not even for God. [Dawn Jenkins, God]

How could you ask me to believe in God when there's absolutely no evidence that I can see? I do believe in the beauty and the awe-inspiring mystery of the science that's out there that we haven't discovered yet, that there are scientific explanations for phenomena that we call mystical because we don't know any better. [Jodie Foster, actress]

I do not believe in any revealed religion. I will have nothing to do with your immortality; we are miserable enough in this life, without the absurdity of speculating upon another... Why should I believe mysteries no one can understand, because written by men who chose to mistake madness for inspiration? [Lord Byron, poet]

The term that best describes me now is "secular humanist." I despise those shallow religious comics. Dennis the Menace, for instance, is the most shallow. When they show him praying - I just can't stand that sort of thing, talking to God about some cutesy thing that he'd done during the day... Oh, I can't stand [Family Circus]. You could get diabetes reading them. [Charles Schulz, cartoonist]

I don't believe in God. I don't believe in America. I don't believe in rock and roll. All I believe in is me. [Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins, musician]

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state and our education system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. [Charles Bukowski, author]

Buddhism deals with the fact, in essence, you know, come right out and say it, that there is no God, that the individual is God... You are the sole person responsible for all causes in your life. [Patrick Duffy, actor]

New:So there I sat at the party drinking anything they put before me. I was completely stunned, not from liquor but from emotion. I knew how it felt to be drunk but I didn't know how to feel success. Was there something inside of me which allowed me to enjoy my moment but not be elated or overcome with it? I had been taught somewhere in my background that Jews did not gather around a campfire talking about the possessions they had with them, for they would surely be gone in the morning. You did not boast about your good fortune because God would certainly punish a boaster. I was not overly religious, in fact hardly religious at all, but your culture, by osmosis, or what you hear around the dinner table as a boy, brands fears and superstitions into your mind forever. [Neil Simon, playwright]

[Is there a God?] I don't think so. I don't know. I don't think about it much, because I figure, what's the point?… When you pray, I don't think anyone's listening. Besides other people, I don't think anyone cares if you murder people or masturbate or shove things up your butt. I don't think there's anybody sitting in the sky watching you. You're on your own. All you have is other people around you, and how you treat them. I actually think that not having a focus on God would make life better, because there would be more of an imperative to be nice to each other… But I don't know. People have got to worry about something, and there's obviously some kind of anthropological, almost zoological need. This particular animal does this particular thing. Instead of constructing a hive out of paper that they chew up, they create a God. It's just something that they do. [Andy Richter, actor]

I'm an atheist, and Christianity appears to me to be the most absurd imposture of all the religions, and I'm puzzled that so many people can't see through a religion that encourages irresponsibility and bigotry. [Butterfly McQueen, actress]

I went to church every Sunday and when I was about 12, I had a huge fight with my father over the dinner table. I'm screaming at him that religion's a sham, it's crazy and I'm not going to church anymore - it's just bullshit! And he looked at me and laughed. He said, "Of course it's not to be taken literally. You must look at the Bible almost like Aesop's Fables - it's just fundamental truths that the Bible discusses; it's not to be taken word for word." And ever since then I loosened up my view of organized religion. [Do I believe in God?] No, not at all. [Shirley Manson of Garbage, musician]

I was born a heretic. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. [Susan B. Anthony, activist]

New: There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson. [Bart, boy]

The whole foundation of Christianity is based on the idea that intellectualism is the work of the Devil. Remember the apple on the tree? Okay, it was the Tree of Knowledge. "You eat this apple, you're going to be as smart as God. We can't have that." [Frank Zappa, musician]

Many Americans reaffirmed their faith this year. I didn't, because I have no faith. I was born and raised Jewish and it just didn't take. You see, when I was a kid, my parents on the first Hanukkah gave me a top to play with. They call it a dreidel, but I know a top when I see one. And as I looked down at what is truly the dumbest toy ever created in the history of civilization, I thought, You know, I'm not gonna be Jewish for long. Religion is important and patriotism is important, but religion and patriotism without a sense of humor, and you're in trouble. You know that's, that's why our enemy is so frightening, they have no humor…If these people had any humor at all, none of this would have happened because no one could have stood in front of them and said that if they killed themselves in the name of Allah, that they would immediately go to heaven and be met by 72 virgins. No one could have said that because everybody would have known that that's a punchline to a joke. [Lewis Black, comedian-critic]

The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church. [Magellan, explorer]

For some people. I hope [there is a God], for them. For the people who believe in it, I hope so. There doesn't need to be a God for me. [Angelina Jolie, actress]

New: [Is there a God?] Well, let me put it this way... [Pauses] No, I'm not going to try to be clever. I really don't know. I just don't know. [Stan Lee, comic book creator]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off. [Emo Phillips, comedian]

During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, bigotry, and persecution. [James Madison, U.S. President]

[The real truth about a lot of life's mysteries can be explained by science.] But people don't want to get in bed with science because it's cold. They prefer religion, myth, drama. [David Duchovny, actor]

The word "belief" is a difficult thing for me. I don't believe. I must have a reason for a certain hypothesis. Either I know a thing, and then I know it - I don't need to believe it. [Carl Jung, psychiatrist]

God is, to me, pretty much a myth created over time to deny the idea that we're all responsible for our own actions. [Seth Green, actor]

I condemn false prophets, I condemn the effort to take away the power of rational decision, to drain people of their free will - and a hell of a lot of money in the bargain. Religions vary in their degree of idiocy, but I reject them all. For most people, religion is nothing more than a substitute for a malfunctioning brain. [Gene Roddenberry, TV producer]

I don't believe in life after death... I kind of hope that there's a Hell. I hope that there's a Heaven and that I'm qualified for Hell. 'Cause that's where I would definitely want to go. You know, if there is a Heaven and a Hell, I hope that involves the Russian plan. I've always loved the Russian version of Hell, where all the writers and the interesting people are gonna spend their time gathering. It's just like this big house in like the middle of somewhere. If there is a Christian version of Heaven, I know I don't want to go there. Awful bad. [Am I an atheist?] Absolutely not. I believe in Dog. [Danny Elfman, composer]

It isn't true that the laws of nature have been capriciously disturbed; that snakes have talked; that women have been turned into salt; that rods have brought water out of rocks. [Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author]

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian. [Adam Carolla, comedian]

The Bible is not my book nor Christianity my profession. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma... When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion... What is to be, will be, and no prayers of ours can arrest the decree. [Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President]

Girl of 18, fell in love with everything, found new life in Jesus Christ, hit by a car, ended up on a life support machine. Summer's day as she passed away. Birds were singing in the summer's sky. Then came the rain, and once again a tear fell from her mother's eye. I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors, but I think that God’s got a sick sense of humor. And when I die, I expect to find him laughing. [“Blasphemous Rumours” by Depeche Mode, musicians]

This is my religious problem: It would be wonderful to believe in the most fundamental way. It would make life easier, it would explain everything, it would give meaning where none is apparent, it would make tragedies bearable. If I went to a revival meeting, I have no doubt I could be one of the first to go down on his knees. It seems as if the only religion worth having is the simplest possible religion. But something about the fact that all it takes to make it so is deciding it IS so puts me off. Knowing it could instantly make me much happier makes it somehow unworthy of having. [Dick Cavett, talk show host]

Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. [Jesse Ventura, Governor of Minnesota]

We respect people's spirituality. Just don't come up to my fucking face and tell me about God, because for thousands of years organized religion has done nothing more than fuck up science and, in general, any kind of scholastics...I don't believe in some old man with a beard. [Filter, musicians]

No, of course I don't [believe in God], and anyone who tells you that there is a god who make his or her presence known to him or her is hallucinating or not telling the truth…I am an atheist. I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense…[Christian fundamentalism is] a lack of education. [Andy Rooney, critic]

All religions bear traces of the fact that they arose during the intellectual immaturity of the human race - before it had learned the obligations to speak the truth... Faith means not wanting to know what is true... A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. [Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher]

Updated: I don't need to be told what I think! By anyone living... Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends! Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things! [Ned Flanders, neighbor]

As for myself, I do not believe that such a person as Jesus Christ ever existed; but as the people are inclined to superstition, it is proper not to oppose them... Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. [Napoleon, Emperor of France]

There are just some things that don't seem very fair in the world, like this fucking hypocrisy of organized religion. I just don't understand how people can blindly believe a bunch of the shit they're fed, to believe it so that they don't think too hard about other issues. 'Be a good boy and you'll go to heaven.' If it works for you, fine, but it doesn't work for me and that pisses me off because I kind of wish it did. [Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor, musician]

New:So long as the universe had a beginning, we could suppose it had a creator. But if the universe is really completely self-contained, having no boundary or edge, it would have neither beginning nor end: it would simply be. What place, then, for a creator?... What I have done is to show that it is possible for the way the universe began to be determined by the laws of science. In that case, it would not be necessary to appeal to God to decide how the universe began. This doesn't prove that there is no God, only that God is not necessary. [Stephen Hawking, physicist]

Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense... Christianity is the most ridiculous, the most absurd and bloody religion that has ever infected the world. [Voltaire, author/philospher]

Imagine there's no heaven - it's easy if you try; No hell below us, above us only sky; Imagine all the people living for today...Imagine there's no countries - it isn't hard to do; Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too; Imagine all the people living life in peace. ["Imagine" by John Lennon, musician]

[What would I say to God at the Pearly Gates?] Wow, I was wrong. You really do exist. [Julianne Moore, actress]

We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in our image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called love. [Phyllis Diller, comedian]

Jesus died to save men - a small thing for an immortal to do... Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight... If there is a God, he is a malign thug..."In God We Trust." I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true... A God who could make good children as easily a bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell - mouths mercy, and invented hell - mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites his poor abused slave to worship him!... If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian. [Mark Twain, author]

'Harken, O Ye Armpit of Satan, For You Will Be Kicked by an Incontinent Camel!'

Biblical Curse generator

Fun with Captions

The Sermon on the Mound'Blessed are the D of cup, for theirs is the secret of Victoria. Blessed are they who jiggle, for they will be jiggled. Blessed are the Double-D, for they will inherit my hands. Blessed are they who hunger and yearn for silicon, for they will be satisfied. Blessed are the strippers, for they will be slipped dollars. Blessed are the free of bra, for they have freed gods. Blessed are the streetwalkers, for they will be called to my hotel room at 4 in the morning and asked to bring a few friends and some cocaine. Blessed are they who are enhanced in the name of bodaciousness, for theirs in the mansion of Hefner. Blessed are...' [Hef 5:3-9]

Slander & Praise

Praise Allah!The Reviews Are In!

One of the best-kept secrets in the atheist blogosphere.[Evangelical Atheist, best $100 I ever spent]

What a frightened little boy you are. May I suggest a lobotomy? It obviously can do little harm & it might prevent more or your diseased gibberish from poisoning other unsuspecting readers - put then - that is what little cowards like you enjoy, isn't it? Must suck to born dead. [The brave "Anonymous" calling me coward in her laughably snide yet seemingly unrelated reply to a story on Boy Scouts paying rental fees. BEEPBEEP. Yes, Dajoro? What is "why they put May Cause Toothlessness & Impotency warnings on Home Lobotomy kits?" That is correct for $600! You have control of the board - pick a category. Alex, let's continue with Ironic Self-Defeat for $800! And the answer is...DINGDINGDING! A Daily Double!]

Irresponsible headline! I admit...it was funny, but not substantiated, therefore should not be used![itsme_crazydad, mistaking me for CNN]

Sir, you are too bitter & angry. Mellow out.[Dave of NoGod, who should be discovering the bodies...right about...now; and that knock would be the police]

Dude, Jesus is a rocker and you know it man... Jesus is pretty much a rocker - hellz ya...We shall all pray for you.[Three Christian 'rockers' all named Anonymous, apt for the genre - Question: Can one really 'rock' not to mention 'roll' when you're that square? I say no. And then I giggle]

A theory is not fact-based science, it is a theory and it should be taught as such along with every other theory that has equal proof. Science has become the cloak for self-imposed ignorance & anti-religious bigotry.[LoneRanger, desperately playing the discrimination card - how sad]

'I guess those of us who don't pray to a male deity can just go fuck our unAmerican selves'?Yes, you sure can.[Tyler, typical unChristian Christian]

Just pass by and wanna tell you that this world really got a God, he is Jesus Christ.[Heewei, who wisely declined to 'prove it']

Wonderful, wonderful blog.[Sexierexie, will you marry me? And my boyfriend? In Massachusetts?]

Since you're an atheist, do you feel things, y'know, deeply? Like love? And pain?[A Christian friend of several years, asking in January if I was souless, unfeeling thing ('Do I feel love?! Are you fucking kidding me?!'); a week later, he abruptly ended the friendship. By email. Merry Christmas.]

Greetings from Mexico. I really like your blogs, I have read them and they're so cool. Atheism rulez![Euge - isn't he adorable? Awww, and he blasphemes in English so fluently! I'll take six]

Lust is a sin. And if you are doing something to make someone lust after another, that is sin also. Nakedness in itself may not be spoken of, but for many people of this world, lust is a problem that will keep them from God, or pull them away from God. I know I would not want to be the person who does something to cause someone's soul to be eternally lost. Please don't weaken the conscience of the children. If our children think it is OK to be naked, it will lead to other things. Lust leads to adultery, which leads to unwanted pregnancy and disease.[Anonymous, probably overweight]

if u wer smart u wud read the bible and make sense of it yourself![Anonymous, who comes here alot]

Keep up the great work. Every time I read your new posts I simultaneously laugh & bang my head against the wall over the religous craziness you expose.[Ungod, not a real deity]

What a nice blog. Satan commends you, I am sure. I love anything that exposes any of the chinks in the Christian armor.[re22666, Satan's publicist]

Should read: Chicken Shit Wonder, I Have No Balls! Isn't it covenient to point here & point there. As a Christian I'm telling you that we don't need cowards like you anyways. Go watch Martha with your other girly boys & maybe the gay news will tell you of a new big bang here comes the monkey man.[Greg, bigot]

Bitch u fukin trippin there is a god u fuken stupid ass and that picture is hella fuked u fuken uggly stupid ass ho.[Anonymous art critic, eloquently protesting two photos I used for a story on a couple who'd tortured their daughter to death and then littered her corpse with Bible pages: the covers of the book Children's Bible Stories and the Pat Benatar single "Love Is a Battlefield / Hell Is for Children."]

Last but not least I've got to give a shout out to Godless Wonder which has some of the funniest graphics I've ever seen. Also, it has a delicious list of quotes.[Lya of God Is for Suckers - well, they are and He is]

Passion of the Nutsack(Coming Soon)

'Pope Abhorrent Bobby IX'

Pope Name generator

Fun with Captions

Rudolph of the Living Dead'B-But Rudolph! I thought you were dead!''Braaains! I come for your brains, fat man!'

'You Had a Bad Life...'

What Were You in Your Past Life? quiz

Fun with Captions

Blessed Are the Bastards'Blessed is he who turns his back on a friend in need; he shall have friends who know when to shut their fucking mouths. Blessed is he who fights the good fight not because it is the right thing to do, but because it buys the blind eye of friends to his troubling abuses; they are either your friend, or they should be set afire in my name. Yea. Blessed is he who forms false alliances if they serve his greed or his ends; he shall have money and power to destroy his enemies and rule the lands in my terrible name - and really, that's what it's all about. Blessed is he who screams "Merry Christmas" at Jews; hurting and disrespecting others is its own reward. And fuck Hannukah, as Dad would say. Blessed is he who abuses trusts, steals power, and violates everything Christians are supposed to be; I say, "Fuck everyone but you. Fuck thy neighbor! Yea." Blessed is the Judas Christ...'

DETREVNI SESOM

'Ulcerous, Semi-Retarded, Bowel-Spreading Meat Freak'

Pat Robertson Is A... generator

'Their First Act of War: Detonation of Their Secret Weapon, Pope John Paul II'

Nunlander game

Fun with Captions

Prince of Fleece'...bring you gifts of gold, frankincense, and this cute little bell we picked up at Target. O Downy One, Sheep of Sheep, bless your unworthy shepherds with thy wise bleatings & thy holy droppings of still-warm ovinity! What is thy bidding, O Prince of Fleece, O Chop of Cho-?''Baaaaaaaaa''Do you see?! IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE! WITH A MERE TWO SHAKES OF HIS TAIL, A MIRACLE! BEHOLD HIS SACRED PELLETS! So warm and moist! QUICK! FETCH THE HOLY MINT JELLY! AND SOME EXTRA PLATES!'

Fun with Captions

'This Isn't Funny!'

Satan Dress-Up interactive doll

Fun with Captions

No Penetration = Still VirginIs that...is that little bastard kissing the Virgin Mary's hootenanny?!?! Forcing children to perform oral sex under freeway overpasses on 2000yo dead virgins...there's just so many things wrong with that I don't know where to begin.

'With you is all that is fair and true in the hearts of men'

Which of the Seven Heavenly Virtues Are You? quiz

Fun with Captions

Would She Let Me?Exquisite! So beautiful, so supple. I wonder if she...if I asked...would she let me just touch...bah! John Paul, you old fool! What are you thinking?! You could never fit into that...