Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Mid-Life Crisis?

People tend to call it a mid-life crisis when you start to
re-evaluate yourself once you get older. I mean you should have done your
experimentation and exploring when you were young. Now that you are an adult
and have established life you have no business doing that, heaven forbid we
grow as people.

In 9 days I will be turning 35, not quite mid-life but getting up
there. I have been taking this milestone birthday as an opportunity to
take stock of my life. What I have accomplished, what I still want to
accomplish, review my dreams, see what's relevant now and what's not. See
if I am on the course I am meant to be.

I was talking to my friend's husband in the fall, he
had just gotten a motorcycle. Something that he had wanted for a long
time but it wasn't until now that he was able to get it, between life
circumstances and finances. On the surface it looks like he is having a
mid-life crisis. He is getting older and he got this to make him feel
young again. First off why is it a bad thing if we are trying to
make ourselves feel young and alive? But second if this is something that
he has been wanting for a long time, then why is it assumed that it's a crisis.
At this point in his life, he had the means to follow his dream and the courage
to not care what others thought of him. I wonder if the reason people talk
is because of their own insecurities. That they are jealous because they don't
have the courage to take the same actions. Take actions to follow their dreams
even if it goes against "what we should do"

I applaud my friend's husband because he had that courage. I
am at that point as well. I have always wanted a tattoo, I've wanted one since
I was at that rebellious age but never got one because I didn't want to
rock the boat. I was a good girl, good girls don't do that. Rock
talked me out of it, my FIL talked me out of it (he had a few tattoos
that he regretted getting) and yet I still wanted it. I didn't want to get
a tattoo to share with the world, I wanted one for me.

Yes, over the years what I wanted has change but not to location
and not the wantof one. I would like to get a tattoo on my upper thigh,
so it would only be visible when I wear a bathing suit. I want to get
a tattoo that represents my children. I want to do a tree of life, that has 3
stars hanging down representing my children. I originally was going to
get one for my 33rd birthday but then I was pregnant so I thought I would do it
for my 35th once I knew my children and could incorporate them.

I am hoping that I will be able to do it in the next coming
months. I am torn because I want to get the tattoo but I also want to
get some art supplies in a few weeks at the Creative Festival. We will
see which decision wins out in the coming weeks.

Over the past few months I have been making slow changes in
my life. And I can see how people think that they are in response to
a mid-life crisis but to me they are not. To me they are choices made by a mature
individual who no longer fears what others think of her. So what that I'm 34
and have pink in my hair. It's just hair, it doesn't mean I am less capable of
doing my job. If hair colour made that difference then we would all colour
our hair the same colour and be equally as compliant. That is not the
case. I am now doing things that I didn't have courage to do
when I was suppose to rebel. I like my pink hair, it makes me
happy. It reflects my fun personality. Judge me not by how I look but by
who I am, and the actions I take.

Slowly I am letting go of the me I'm suppose to be, the me who
isn't happy and becoming the woman I am suppose to become. I am still
figuring out who I am. I always thought at this point in my life I would have
it all together. I would know who I am, what I want to be, what direction
to take in life. I know none of that. I am in the processes of
rediscovering myself after a few hard years. I still don't know what I want to
be when I grow up.

I originally went to school to be a Child and Youth Worker
(something I think I would still be good at and enjoy) but I took a year off of
school to figure out what I want to do. In that year off we bought a condo
and I started working, 15 years later I am still working for that same company.
I was going to go back to school to be a jewellery designer, I got into
the program but got pregnant with Monkey and that dream was put aside.

I am at the point were I need to take stock at all the things
I am good at, all the things I enjoy and cross reference them with jobs that
are out there so that I can make a choice and do something that a) makes me
happy b) challenges me c) makes a difference and d) allows me to provide for my
family in the lifestyle we are accustomed to or even better.

I wish there was a magic wand or a magical person out there
that does that hard work for you but there isn't. I am working on it,
I am also working on silencing the voices in my head that tell me I am not
good enough, they ask me who I think I am to take these chances. I will
try and silence them and take some leas of faith over the next few months
to get closer to some of my dreams. I may fail, I may succeed but if I
don't take action I can do neither. It's ok to fail, it's ok to succeed
part of the journey is taking the chance.

It feels like 35 is going to be a big year for me. I can
feel the change in the air. Who knows where I will end up a year from
now, but I hope I have moved forward to a different place. Here's to taking
chances and to "growing up".