6 Signs of Narcissism You May Not Know About

How can you recognize the fragility behind the narcissist’s grandiosity?

The recently published 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists precisely the same nine criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as did the previous version, published 19 years earlier. So these longstanding diagnostic yardsticks are by now quite familiar—not only to professionals but to interested laypeople as well. Because only the extreme, or “classic,” narcissist fits all of these criteria, DSM specifies that an individual need meet only five of them (barely more than half) to warrant this unflattering label.

As a starting point, I’ll reiterate these selected criteria—before, that is, adding six important ones of my own, which either complement or extend these “official” yardsticks. My particular measures for identifying pathological narcissists are based not only on my exposure to the voluminous writings on this character disorder, but also on 30+ years of clinical experience. This experience includes doing personal, couples, and family counseling with such troublesome individuals. But it also involves working independently with those involved with narcissists—whether their distressed children, spouses, parents, friends, or business associates—who repeatedly express enormous frustration in trying to cope with them.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration [regularly fishes for compliments, and is highly susceptible to flattery].
5. Has a sense of entitlement.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling [or, I would add, unable] to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty [rude and abusive] behaviors or attitudes.

So what’s left out here? Actually, as regards identifying descriptors, quite a bit. And I’ve no doubt that other therapists could add further to the six additional characteristics I’ll provide here—features that, although regrettably minimized or omitted from DSM, I‘ve routinely seen displayed by the many dysfunctional narcissists I’ve worked with. So, to enumerate them, such individuals:

1. Are highly reactive to criticism. Or anything they assume or interpret as negatively evaluating their personality or performance. This is why if they’re asked a question that might oblige them to admit some vulnerability, deficiency, or culpability, they’re apt to falsify the evidence (i.e., lie—yet without really acknowledging such prevarication to themselves), hastily change the subject, or respond as though they’d been asked something entirely different. Earlier for Psychology Today I wrote a post highlighting this supercharged sensitivity called “The Narcissist’s Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But . . . ”. And this aspect of their disturbance underscores that their ego—oversized, or rather artificially “inflated”—can hardly be viewed as strong or resilient. On the contrary, it’s very easily punctured. (And note here another related piece of mine, “Our Egos: Do They Need Strengthening—or Shrinking?”). What these characteristics suggest is that, at bottom and despite all their egotistic grandiosity, they...

2. ...Have low self-esteem. This facet of their psyche is complicated, because superficially their self-regard would appear to be higher and more assured than just about anyone else’s. Additionally, given their customary "drivenness," it’s not uncommon for them to rise to positions of power and influence, as well as amass a fortune (and see here my post “Narcissism: Why It’s So Rampant in Politics”). But if we examine what’s beneath the surface of such elevated social, political, or economic stature—or their accomplishments generally—what typically can be inferred is a degree of insecurity vastly beyond anything they might be willing to avow.

That is, in various ways they’re constantly driven to prove themselves, both to others and to their not-so-confident “inner child” self. This is the self-doubting, recessive part of their being that, though well hidden from sight, is nonetheless afflicted with feelings and fears of inferiority. Inasmuch as their elaborate defense system effectively wards off their having to face what their bravado masks, they’re highly skilled at exhibiting, or “posturing,” exceptionally high self-esteem. But their deeper insecurities are yet discernible in their so often fishing for compliments and their penchant for bragging and boasting about their (frequently exaggerated) achievements. That is, they’re experts at complimenting themselves! And when—despite all their self-aggrandizement— others are critical of them, they...

3. ...Can be inordinately self-righteous and defensive. Needing so much to protect their overblown but fragile ego, their ever-vigilant defense system can be extraordinarily easy to set off. I’ve already mentioned how reactive they typically are to criticism, but in fact anything said or done that they perceive as questioning their competence can activate their robust self-protective mechanisms. Which is why so many non-narcissists I’ve worked with have shared how difficult it is to get through to them in situations of conflict. For in challenging circumstances it’s almost as though their very survival depends on being right or justified, whereas flat out (or humbly) admitting a mistake—or, for that matter, uttering the words “I’m sorry” for some transgression—seem difficult to impossible for them.

Further, their “my way or the highway” attitude in decision-making—their stubborn, competitive insistence that their point of view prevail—betrays (even as it endeavors to conceal) their underlying doubts about not being good, strong, or smart enough. And the more their pretentious, privileged, exaggeratedly puffed-up self-image feels endangered by another’s position, the more likely they are to...

4. ...React to contrary viewpoints with anger or rage. In fact, this characteristic is so common in narcissists that it’s always surprised me that DSM doesn’t specifically refer to it among its nine criteria. Repeatedly, writers have noted that angry outbursts are almost intrinsic to bothnarcissistic and borderline personality disorders. And although (unlike the borderline) it’s not particular fears of abandonment that bring out their so-called “narcissistic rage,” both personality disorders generally react with heated emotion when others bring their deepest insecurities too close to the surface.

The reason that feelings of anger and rage are so typically expressed by them is that in the moment they externalize the far more painful anxiety- or shame-related emotions hiding just beneath them. When they’re on the verge of feeling—or re-feeling—some hurt or humiliation from their past, their consequent rage conveniently “transfers” these unwanted feelings to another (and see here my PT post “Anger—How We Transfer Feelings of Guilt, Hurt, and Fear”).

The accompanying message that gets communicated through such antagonistic emotions is “I’m not bad (wrong, stupid, mean, etc.), you are!” Or, it could even be: “I’m not narcissistic, or borderline! You are!” (Or, in slightly milder version, “If I’m narcissistic, or borderline, then so are you!”) And if the mentally healthier individual has no clue as to what provoked their outburst in the first place, such a sudden explosion is likely to make them feel not only baffled but hurt, and maybe even frightened. But what cannot be overemphasized here is that narcissists...

5. ...Project onto others qualities, traits, and behaviors they can’t—or won’t—accept in themselves. Because they’re compelled from deep within to conceal deficits or weaknesses in their self-image, they habitually redirect any unfavorable appraisal of themselves outwards, unconsciously trusting that doing so will forever keep at bay their deepest suspicions about themselves. Getting anywhere close to being obliged to confront the darkness at their innermost core can be very scary, for in reality their emotional resources are woefully underdeveloped.

Broadly recognized as narcissists by their fundamental lack of self-insight, very few of them (depending, of course, on how far out they are on the narcissistic continuum) can achieve such interior knowledge. For in a variety of ways their rigid, unyielding defenses can be seen as more or less defining their whole personality. And that’s why one of the most reliable ways for them to feel good about themselves—and “safe” in the world they’re essentially so alienated from—is to invalidate, devalue, or denigrate others. So they’ll focus on others’ flaws (whether or not they really exist) rather than acknowledge, and come to terms with, their own. And in many curious ways this habit causes them to...

6. ...Have poor interpersonal boundaries. It’s been said about narcissists that they can’t tell where they end and the other person begins. Unconsciously viewing others as “extensions” of themselves, they regard them as existing primarily to serve their own needs—just as they routinely put their needs before everyone else’s (frequently, even their own children). Since others are regarded (if they’re regarded at all!) as what in the literature is often called “narcissistic supplies”—that is, existing chiefly to cater to their personal desires—they generally don’t think about others independently of how they might “use” them to their own advantage. Whatever narcissists seek to give themselves, they generally expect to get from others, too (which is yet another dimension of their famous—or infamous—sense of entitlement).

Even beyond this, their porous boundaries and unevenly developed interpersonal skills may prompt them to inappropriately dominate conversations and share with others intimate details about their life (though some narcissists, it should be noted, can display an extraordinary, however Machiavellian, social savvy). Such private information would probably focus on disclosing facts others would be apt to withhold. But having (at least consciously) much less of a sense of shame, they’re likely to share things they’ve said or done that most of us would be too embarrassed or humiliated to admit. Still, with an at times gross insensitivity to how others might react to their words, they’re likely to blurt out things, or even boast about them, that others can’t help but view as tasteless, demeaning, insulting, or otherwise offensive.

They might, for instance, share—and with considerable pride!—how they “chewed” someone out, and expect the other person to be impressed by their courage or cleverness, when in fact the listener may be appalled by their lack of kindness, tact, or restraint. Additionally, they may ask others questions that are far too personal or intimate—again unwittingly irritating or upsetting them. And such a situation can be particularly difficult for the other person if the narcissist is in a position of authority over them so that not responding could, practically, put them in some jeopardy.

To conclude, I can only hope that these additional characterizations of the pathological narcissist (vs. those with less pronounced narcissistic qualities) may be helpful in enabling you to identify them before their “malignancy” does a number on you. And if you’ve already been duped by their machinations or manipulations, perhaps this piece will be a “heads up” for you to prevent them from wreaking any further havoc in your life.

NOTE 1: I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that the narcissism addressed here centers on its most maladaptive, or "toxic," forms. Unlike DSM (the standard diagnostic reference tool for mental health professionals), the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual(PDM, 2006)—respected, but much less well known than this official volume—explicitly notes that the disorder exists “along a continuum of severity, from the border with neurotic personality disorders to the more severely disturbed levels.” And additionally, that “toward the neurotic end [these] narcissistic individuals may be socially appropriate, personally successful, charming and, although somewhat deficient in the capacity for intimacy, reasonably well adapted to their family circumstances, work, and interests.”

NOTE 2: As a blogger for PsychologyToday, I've written quite a few posts on the subject of narcissism. If you'd like to explore them, here are the links:

NOTE 3: If you know of anybody who you think would be interested in this post, please consider sending them the link. And if you’d like to explore some of my other work for PT—and on a broad variety of topics—click here.

An absolutely outstanding and practically usefel setting-out of the essentials of narcissism. I consider it particularly valuable that Dr Seltzer emphasises the controlling terrorism habitually exercised through rage by the narcissist, as well as his explanation as to why narcissists find fault (even with their own flesh and blood) when the criticisms are demonstrably not true.

This is by far the best description of pathological narcissism I've ever read. After five decades, I've finally managed to understand why my mother has always treated me so brutally. As I read the article I felt as if Dr Seltzer had met her and was describing her perfectly.

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Actually, I knew all of those. Plus, you missed some, and also, your writing style could be greatly improved - if you feel like repeating 3rd grade, but I'm all out of time to fix what's wrong with you now. Moving on...

Many of these points are nothing that hasn't been suggested by psychoanalysts such as Kernberg and other object relations theorists for decades. When will we give psychoanalysis the credit it deserves?

I keep meeting a number of Charles in websites disparaging article writers especially tearing their grammar.
I know it is some kind of sickness but just what sickness is it?
The person who says they know all the kings language will generally write doubtful sentences? Are these people perfectionist? Why does Charles here have an urge to say such things that can be discounted by 99% of the commenters?

A "listicle." And the list, as is typical of such diagnostic criteria, reads like a horoscope, i.e., might apply to nearly anyone under certain conditions. Indeed, the author himself may be a sufferer.

Actually, I don't think so. I don't think that most people I know fit these criteria. I think it's clear that this is not about someone losing their temper once or being sensitive sometimes. It's about general patterns of behavior and thought. If someone acts like this on a regular basis, that is an indication of some issue being present.

Bill, Maybe you've never been in a friendship/work relationship/romance with a true narcissist (and I hope you never are). What the author is describing is way, way beyond the way "nearly anyone under certain conditions" might act. Narcissism is a chronic, persistent condition, an entire world view. Normal people feel remorse for their negative actions and words. Even though the offender may be too proud to admit her wrong, she knows deep down she is, and it could be coaxed out of her by a counselor or mediator. The narcissist assumes the other person deserves the treatment, because the fact is, for a narcissist, there IS no "other person." The narcissist is the only person who exists. Everyone else is just a chess piece to move around.

Very well said and articulated Annie. Narcissist have a completely different outlook and worldview than other people. They only see. Themselves as human beings with feelings, other people don’t exist and are simply objects.

Im replying here because i want my comment at the top! Lol. I score high in narcissism but im also bpd, making me a high functioning bpd. Im pretty self aware. I think instead of useless articles and bashing of disordered people, people should be coming up with solutions to prevent the problem. Humans aren't born disordered most times. I have my moments of vulnerability but most times i am self centered, callous and angry. Yet how could i not be? Its survival! My family was abusive. Men typically do nothing but string along, play games and use. Making vulnerability too dangerous. "Friends " are mostly just fair weather people that use you as a pastime. There is a very real emotional anorexia happening in society. A lack of family values. Lack of genuine friendship. Lack of true romance. That causes people to retread into a self loving, selfie taking, career obsessed shell. Its only for survival that we become less able to love. Its a symptom of a larger ill. In this crap world we live in, i don't want to be normal. Im adapting to my surroundings. If people don't want disorders around, it takes more than just psychology to prevent the problem.

Thanks! Just yesterday I saw a busy mom and I had the urge to ask her if I could pick up the 1 year old girl, hold her, talk to her. But these days that would be considered "creepy". Then I wanted to tip the front desk clerk 10 bucks, then thought, If I ever need 10 bucks will someone give it to me? Probably not. I better keep it, I might need it later! To survive in current society you cant be too soft or kind. Its not rewarded. And when you know that no one in tbis world truly loves you, self love, even to a narcissistic degree, is all you have.

Being "soft and kind" is something you do for yourself, as well as for others. So when you're caring or generous, you're "indulging" in self-nurturing behavior. You're coming from what's best in you. Don't let others or the culture inhibit such impulses, okay?

Human intimacy is a farse. Humans are wildly unreliable and selfish, especially in modern times. Unless you were lucky to have a good family you grew up with, youre alone. Everything else is BS. Youd be lucky if even one friend is at your hospital bed. And you can nearly count on your hubby to sleep around. Unless theres a monetary gain, humans are a waste of time. Not worth any emotional investment.

Not everyone is as insensitive as you portray. But because you've surrounded yourself with such a defensive fortress, you have no ability to trust anew. Too bad.

If your life is as worthless as you seem to believe, what have you to lose by somehow serving a higher cause? Take a stand, for f's-sake.

Don't wanna give $$ to a random clerk? Fine! Do something to help endangered species during this, our planet's 6th mass extinction. Plant a milkweed garden for Monarch butterflies. Start a glyphosate-free community garden or adopt a section of littered roadway. Spearhead an off-grid intentional community or donate to birth control programs. Volunteer at a nursing home or an animal shelter, or become a literacy coach.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that humans have become a viral scourge, but acting as though you can't possibly have any impact makes you complicit. If all you will ever be is worm food, you could at least try, dammit. "What's in it for me?" is a nauseating trope that needs to end.

"...anything said or done that they perceive as questioning their competence can activate their robust self-protective mechanisms."

Once when I was young (7 or 8) my mom made spaghetti and after she put it on the plate I tasted it and got up from the table to get some sugar to put on it because it was a little bland and she said "what are you doing?" I said putting a little sugar on the spaghetti and she flipped out yelling and screaming that I was ungrateful and that nothing she ever did was good enough and how there was nothing wrong with the spaghetti and that next time I could make it since I had so many problems with it or I just didn't have to eat at all then she stormed out of the kitchen. She's borderline and a narcissist. I wish I had these tools at my disposal when I was younger because when you're a kid you internalize everything. I have so many stories that can correlate to any of the above examples it's ridiculous. But she is not my problem now. She followed her dream and became a preacher now she is completely protected from any criticism because everything comes from God and who would question God...

Oh my word! Your last sentence describes how my mother manipulates her Christianity to a "T". For years "thus say the Lord" has been how she has won all of her arguments. Up until recently I would just concede, until I started to realize it was manipulation to (of?) the utmost. Not even sure she realizes what she's doing, but it has caused my opinion of her to change. She has complete inability to form a decision or give an opinion without including God. While I respect her religious views I have grown weary of not knowing who she is minus religion. I have also grown equally weary of her refusing to acknowledge me as a person who doesn't share her views, even though I have stated that I don't repeatedly.

Just so you know: anyone saying "Thus says the Lord" is in no way quoting Him.
He put down all He wanted us to know in the Bible.
Your mom is most likely quoting her own thoughts, and in no way following Jesus. I sincerely hope this doesn't deter you from checking out the Bible yourself! ♡

I had the same situation with an ex. He would tell me he lives through God. My sins for not complyi g to him would be punished.
We were supossed to be one flesh.
Thats funny. He flirted with women ab
and messed around on me .
Thank Hod he is out of my life for good.

Annonymous, So sorry about your suffering as a child. You say you wish you'd had these tools when you were younger, but the sad truth is, a child doesn't have the capacity to stand up to an authority figure who's ill in this way. But of course you know that. Amazing how people justify the brutal behavior of clergy. I and many other parishioners left a church full of people who protected the pastor for years despite his blatant exploitation of his flock. We humans are so weirdly wired. Lord have mercy on us all.

I have had narcs in my life....but have found that after a long-term constant tormenting ... at different times, during different situations, it has been ME who has had the anger and rage outburst.....I have to tell you, that in my personal experience and other narc's that I have studied....often they will try to push your buttons to make you react in a certain way and then often cry 'victim' themselves....

I guess I am lucky that the narc's in my life raged subtly or were too concerned about the 'neighbors' or what have you to let their masks off full throttle...though there was constant aggravation and bullying and mind game playing for years...mental and emotional cruelties. Manipulations, etc.

Lately, I dated someone while I was in the midst of compounded grief and complex ptsd...and I ended up with a Narc, who claims I am the Narc, because this person thought that they could 'hi-jack' me while I was at my weakest point in life......

My money, my TIME, my plans, etc......and I would explode on this person every now and again....and I tell you, I was glad to let him go....a Narc who cries victim is what it seemed to me....could not take it when someone 'ended' the relationship, this one and his last...who neglects his children because he felt he was too young and stupid having them....and is out there probably making more. I especially sense that these people definitely live in a sense of D.E.N.I.A.L. or 'don't, even, know, I, am, Lying' state.....most importantly to themselves...
But I can see why rage or anger is not listed in the DSM.....for me it would be a healthy reaction to a Narc...and a finale.
Any thoughts on provocation?

The "victim" point you make is soooo true! NO MATTER what anyone does, says or doesn't do it is (in their mind) to "victimize" them somehow! I am so drained by the narc in my family that i have made the (easy) decision to cut her out of my life...sad?...no.

so very true,I went on holiday with him and he told me he had kissed someone a couple of months before and then thought I had no right to be upset about it then he got so angry and came at me as he is also schizophrenic and as a result I ended up so afraid of him that I had to get a flight home and waited 23 hours in the airport and had no food or water and no money and even then he had no guilt for what he had done to me and do not understand how these people can go round causing so much hurt and then just carry on as if they have done nothing wrong and everything was my fault in his eyes .

Yes, my ex was always a victim! He was a successful professor, but no one in administration could tolerate him due to his extreme defensiveness to any time of critique. He would have fights with ratemyprofessor about his ratings and was passive-aggressive to the max and start rumors about other professors who were popular with students. Of course it was never his fault. Of course he taught philosophy!

"...push your buttons to make you react..." The two I've been close to liked nothing better than to find you (or maneuver you into)a situation that required all of your concentration. Then they would do their Dance of Distraction,(verbally sniping, "accidentally" bumping into you or your work, turning off the lights: "Oh, I forgot you were in here"),with the aim of getting you to cut or burn yourself, lose your place- or your temper, break something, &c. When you do, it's because YOU are clumsy, inattentive, or just plain evil.
Oddly,they felt compelled to do this even when it put themselves (driving through busy intersection)or their own property(repairing broken appliance)in jeopardy.

So glad to hear this "bumping into you" is common with other victims of N's. I have such a complex now when navigating a tight hallway, etc. from how my N always used to bulldose his way through when crossingpaths with me (and others). It's like no one else was even there, so everyone had to step aside. If you just walked, you were sure to get hurt ("inadvertently", and it was always your fault, of course). It conditions you to think others are doing it or that you have to literally tip-toe around everyone else, lest they harm you in some way. Brainwashing, is kind of what itseems like.

As a corollary to bumping into other people's bodies, the narcissists in my life are strangely "clumsy" with other peoples belongings, always breaking or damaging their host's possessions. Has anyone else noticed this? Is it simple passive aggression, or are they so self-absorbed that they lose body conscousness, or are they just careless or..?

They are extremely jealous of what you have and want you to depend on them to buy whatever is was they broke or damaged of yours. And they think they can fix anything, all the while they're breaking it up.

Annonymous, You are absolutely right on this. My narcissist did this to me yesterday, making a very subtle comment that pushed all my frustration and weariness of many months to the surface and I pushed back against the abuse and, well, you know what happens next: how dare I treat her this way, she deserves better than the way I treat her, etc. ad nauseam. A classic tactic. I'm so done.

Well I just had an aha! Moment reading these posts. I have been trying to figure out what is going on mentally with my sister for years... bipolar?borderline? Depression? Or combination. I dont know if any of these overlap but now i know she is at least a narcissist, and must have borderline...too. Of course she doesn't recognize any dysfunction in herself, she has zero ability to take a self inventory. She steam rolls over people (family, friends,strangers) and NEVER looks back. Kind of scary because she has been snowballing for at least 30 years. This is her identity now.

How does it feel to spend nearly five decades wondering what the EFF is wrong w/your sibling, only to have it so well articulated on this screen? Ask me! And...what is there to be done about it? Can't change 'em. Can't escape 'em. Not like love interests or acquaintances, you are in this one for life...so, how do you learn to deal? As you can see, I'm right there with you, and just as blown away by all of this!

I've read that there are two types of narcissistic pd: vulnerable narcissists and invulnerable narcissists.

I believe that the article here is about the "vulnerable narcissist"; such individuals act self-important and entitled or grandiose, are demanding, are easily enraged and use their anger to intimidate and manipulate others, etc., because underneath the bombast they actually have low self-esteem.

But the other kind of narcissist, the "invulnerable narcissist", actually believes that he or she genuinely IS superior to other people! They believe that preferential, deferential treatment is their right and due because they ARE smarter, better-looking, more attractive and appealing, richer, more successful, etc.

This type of narcissist was raised from birth to believe that he or she truly is a superior being, by the parents. I've read its so prevalent in Oriental cultures its called "The Little Emperor" syndrome. I suppose there are "Little Empresses" also, but its mostly male children who are celebrated and over-indulged into narcissism in eastern cultures.

I actually had a childhood friend who was treated like a princess: this young girl, an only child, could do no wrong, was never disciplined, was indulged with all the most expensive toys, gifts and clothes, and she treated her parents like servants. As an adult, this girl was almost completely unable to function in normal society, because nobody would cater to her or indulge her the way her parents did. Now in late middle age, she looks exactly like a gigantic baby, acts like one, and is still catered to by her surviving, elderly parent.

Yes, I'm aware of this distinction and though, at times, I think it can be a very useful one, I'm not sure that the lines between the two types aren't frequently blurry. For instance, the child may not necessarily BELIEVE, deep down, in the parent's(s') "chronic complimenting" and so have all the more underlying doubts about themselves, even though some of the compliments do indeed "go to their head."

Still the distinction generally is a useful one and I'm very thankful that you added this comment.

David McRaney wrote "Self-esteem is mostly self-delusion, but it serves a purpose. You are biologically driven to think highly of yourself in order to avoid stagnation. If you were to stop and truly examine your faults and failures, you would become paralyzed by fear and doubt."

I cannot fault his statement and it clearly shows that narcissists cannot be explained in terms of self-esteem delusion. Narcissists also span a wide spectrum of self-efficacy (general competence), and while they appear to be deluded regarding their self-efficacy, it seems that their internal view might be less deluded than normal. They actively develop mastery of fabrication and lying in order to get their needs met therefore they have a high-level of competence in at least these areas.

I'm wondering if the difference between vulnerable and invulnerable narcissists is a difference in underlying cause, symptoms, or adaptation (the learnt modus operandi to ruthlessly get their needs met).

I see a difference between what I like to call "healthy self-esteem" and narcissism, aka a pathological, grandiose level of self-esteem.

Someone with healthy self-esteem thinks of himself/herself:
"I'm OK; I try my best each day to use my God-given abilities to be as decent, responsible, kind, thoughtful, creative, and intelligent as I can be, so I believe that I'm equally as deserving of respect as you are".

Someone with narcissism or NPD on the other hand, thinks of himself/herself:
"I'm better than OK, I'm amazingly superior; I'm smarter, better looking, more talented, and better educated than you are, because I spring from a superior, high-status country / culture / caste / race / ancient, wealthy and noble family / superior genetic stock (whatever) so, I'm much, MUCH more deserving of respect, deference and the finer things in life than you are. (etc.)"

And an example of how someone with low or unhealthy self-esteem thinks of himself/herself:
"I'm not OK. There must be something terribly wrong with me, because it seems to me that other people treat me with indifference, contempt or rejection; they must be able to perceive that I'm inferior and don't deserve anyone's respect."

Someone with narcissism or NPD on the other hand, thinks of himself/herself:
"I'm better than OK, I'm amazingly superior; I'm smarter, better looking, more talented, and better educated than you are, because I spring from a superior, high-status country / culture / caste / race / ancient, wealthy and noble family / superior genetic stock (whatever) so, I'm much, MUCH more deserving of respect, deference and the finer things in life than you are. (etc.)"......

Thank you for your observation.

Because narcism has over-impacted my life i have also tried to understand their thinking.

You state narcists over-subscribe to their self-importance.
On my own evaluations it is not over-subscribing they do. It is that they have an anxious desire to categorise their position vis a vis someone esle.

A few days a go I shared a desk with someone doing a job a job that i myself wish i am the one who trained for it. He was an adult and i assumed he could hold a civil conversation.

But that was not to be. He emediately launched into any thing negative he could think would upset me. Talking how much weight he had lost and how his wive was complimenting him on his weight loss (he thought over weight upset me) plus he would ask me very personal questions. I remebered other people who had behaved the same in my past.

The picture then i saw of these people was that in their head you either had to be "better" than them or "worse" than them and that that dynamic was more important than if there was a mutual respect, indeed friendship, between the two of you.

Like i said i already was admiring this man for the kind of work he does... as in i was opening myself to be his friend without conditions.
But here he was sabotaging and ruining everything being given to him for free though a screwed up thinking.

Narcissism is a indeed a tragedy. Pity it takes too long to understand it.

I have had problems with society to treats guys like this. I've had two "abusive relationships" because the other person wanted, or expected me to do things, ie go out with him, ect. I've said no both times, but other people, like at church or at college, told the guy that what he wanted from me was acceptable and how dare I not give it too him. At church especially because my fellow Christians kept telling me that women have to submit to her husband. Um, okay, I'm NOT even wanting to date him. Im not married to him, so stop telling him and me that I have to do what he says.
I do know women who have this problem, but I think it is a society's level problem. People support the delusion of importance that the individual has, which only makes the narcissistic worse. As in, if society didn't back it up, then maybe the narcissistic wouldn't think he is so entitled.

Certain social scenarios do indeed support narcissistic personalities and narcissistic behaviour like the one you have described. Your choices should not be ignored and noone should be pressuring you to do something you dont want to do. Using religion as the justification is absurd in this day and age.