Navy Downgraded To ‘Regional Force For Good’

PERSIAN GULF — Following the recent capture and release of two US Navy riverine war vessels by Iran on Tuesday, the Navy has officially rebranded itself as a “Regional Force for Good,” sources report. The Navy backed off from its previous “Global Force For Good” branding earlier this year, replacing it with a series of giant red blobs meant to emphasize “presence.”

“Let’s be honest,” Adm. John Richardson, Chief of Naval Operations said. “The F-35 has sucked our budget dry like one of those Twilight vampires giving a horny teenager an undeath-hickey.”

“We can’t afford to be in more than a couple places at a time, and once we get there, we usually have to fire the skipper and come right home.”

Though the new brand had been under consideration for some time, he contentious “catch and release” of 10 Navy sailors in Iranian waters prompted a rapid decision on it. The Navy has not announced how these sailors let their boats drift into Iranian territory, although some are blaming the Naval Academy’s Celestial Navigation training.

The sailors were released without harm, but Navy officials are scrambling to manage the negative optics of the situation.

“We thought about playing it off as a stunt raising awareness for the ‘Hands Up Don’t Shoot’ initiative,” a Navy public affairs official admitted, “but ultimately we decided to just pull a Blackwater and re-brand instead.”

“We’ve really been a regional force since Clinton anyway,” Richardson added. “‘Global’ set the bar too high, and between scary Chinese island-building and sequestration, we’re just not living up to our advertisements. Regional is definitely more in our comfort zone.”

Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus revealed another spin during a press conference, remarking that “this historic event with Iran proves that women can be prisoners of war just as well as men can. I look to the Marine Corps to emulate this shining example.”

Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today.

The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials.

“Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith.

“Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.”

“These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters.

“But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address.

“I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.”

Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech.

“Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.”

At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together.

Sailor can’t pee unless someone is watching

SAN DIEGO — Retiring Chief Petty Officer Joe Andrews hasn’t peed without someone watching him in 22 years and isn’t about to start now.

“At first, I thought all the meat gazing was weird,” said Andrews. “Now, after all this time in the Navy, I went from not being able to piss with someone watching to not being able to piss without someone watching.”

Andrews told fellow sailors at the his retirement party that he’s not sure how he’s going to piss without someone making eye contact with his one-eyed monster.

“I’ve told Andrews that he just needs to reach out,” said Lt. Cmdr. Ross Stevens, Andrews’ commanding officer. “No one should have to pee alone.”

Many sailors are able to make the transition to pissing alone by running water in the background or pasting a picture of a urinalysis observer above the toilet, according to a recent Veterans Affairs Public Information for Sailors Study (PISS). Some, however, never fully make it through the transition, and find themselves seeking YMCAs, baseball stadiums and subway stations to avoid kidney problems.

Andrews expressed his hope for the future with a loud groan at the urinal before leaving the Chief’s Mess for the last time today. His first proctology appointment with the VA is a week from today, which he feels is a festive step up from the usual wiener wagging.

Stevens said that might be willing to go warm up Andrews’ bed and sweat on it a little bit, just the way he needs it to fall asleep.

I lived it: I stole the Navy goat, and now I just … have a goat

We all do some foolish things in our youth when we don’t understand the consequences. For me, a lighthearted prank saddled me with a goat for the rest of my career, and I have to tell you — goats are a lot of fucking work.

It started late one night in Bradley Barracks on a cool autumn night just before the Army-Navy Football game. My roommate and I were rubbing each other’s backs and talking about our dreams, like we always did, when we hatched a fantastical plan to steal the Navy goat. We would be legends.

Still, I wasn’t ready for that moment, deep below Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, when I locked eyes with Adm. Ernst J. King the goat. I didn’t expect him to seem so worldly, so wise, so game for the adventure. There were many goats in the goat dungeon that night, but I knew that Ernest was the goat for me. Ernest stood aside from the common goats, lazily eating “The Bluejacket’s Manual,” and practically leaped into the rucksack I’d brought for him. Our first touch was electric.

The next few days were a haze. While the military world panicked at the loss of Ernest, we spent lazy days on Clinton Field, sharing a secret just the two of us knew. I showed him how to cut a pie properly; he showed me how to eat the pie tin.

I realized, as I boarded the bus for the Army-Navy game, Ernest tucked neatly under my winter cape, that I had devised such an excellent scheme to steal Ernest I had never thought to make a plan to return him.

Time with Ernest flew by. Before I knew it, it was branch night, then graduation. As I threw my cap into the air, Ernest headbutted the chair out from under me, a sign of things to come.

Being a platoon leader is hard for anyone, but it’s harder with a goat. At unit PT, he’d run faster than me and jump higher than me, embarrassing me in front of my men.

I was excited and nervous for my first deployment, a fact lost on Ernest. He was a constant liability. He never wanted to stay on the FOB, which I can respect, but he was always getting confused as a gift, bribe, snack or sex toy when we went out on patrol.

If I thought Ernest was difficult on deployment, I really wasn’t ready for how he was going to handle our next assignment, as an assistant training officer at brigade S3. Ernest had no patience drafting PowerPoint slides for hours. He was clearly the kind of goat that you needed to keep with troops, the kind of goat that needed a mission. He took out his frustrations about the assignment — about the things he’d seen on deployment — by drinking too much. I could never get him enough water, and then he’d pee on the paper shredder. There were times I didn’t think we could keep it together.

Things got a little better when I picked up captain. I had a little more money to spend on Ernest. He got frustrated at the long hours and the midnight phone calls, but by that point, Ernest understood that we’d spent too long together. He couldn’t do better than me.

Sometimes people say to me, “How did you get a goat in the Pentagon?” I’d ask you how I could not have a goat in the Pentagon. Sure, now that I’m chief of staff of the Army, it raises some questions about why I don’t have a mule. It’s a ridiculous question. I’ll enjoy an evening in the company of Traveller or Trooper, but I bear a responsibility to Ernest. Ernest made it through War College, too, and he’s never brought a cell phone into a SCIF, so he’s ahead of most of us.

I never planned this life. Ernest J. King didn’t plan this life. Tradition brought us together. I think sometimes that Ernest needs to go back, but we both know that he can’t go back to naive midshipmen and lush greenery of Annapolis. Not after what he saw in Afghanistan. The VA isn’t ready for his type. He has no marketable skills. He can’t make it on the outside.

I’ll warn you: traditions are fun, cadets, but think through it. Always have an exit plan. Ernest and I didn’t. And I still have a fucking goat.

Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors.

“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Stinkfeld said as he sniffed the air. “From those clumsy days of crop-dropping in Ms. Stummerfurz’ third-grade class to winning the state ‘North by Northwest’ award as a high school junior, I’ve been dusting off home plate since I was in diapers. Now, I’m ready to throw caution to my recently-released wind and have a career in the U.S. Navy.”

Stinkfeld noted that he’s exploring various fleet aircraft options.

“I’m looking at rotary wing because of the awesome downdraft,” he said. “But I’m also considering the F-35 for its killer afterburner turbofan. I can really foul up an enemy’s day with that.”

Stinkfeld is also looking forward to getting his callsign.

“I bet it will be something cool like ‘Danger’ or ‘Snake,’” he said with an overconfidence normal reserved for newly-commissioned American heroes.

However, instructor pilots seemed certain that Stinkfeld will be forever known as ‘Beefwalk.’”

Fans excited for final season of Afghanistan

BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Fans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict, whenever that may be.

A media darling at launch, Afghanistan has suffered from low viewership since the first season but remains a powerhouse moneymaker with an annual budget of almost $45 billion. Producers initially promised large, exciting battles and decisive story lines but thus far have had issues delivering consistently. Fans of the show place the blame for many of those issues on producers insisting the show split air time with spinoff drama Iraq.

Despite the small TV audience tuning in, a large number of Americans (about 14,000 at present) physically attend the conflict every year hoping to take part in events as they unfold.

However, many of these participants express discontent over the direction the show has taken and feel the program has been dragging for the last decade or so.

“I was skeptical at first because there had been a Russian drama about Afghanistan, but in the first few seasons, this felt very different. And when they surprised everyone by killing off Bin Laden in season 10, that was amazing,” said Capt Mike Watt, currently deployed to Sharana. “But l feel like lately it’s been the same story line every season. Just lazy writing all around.”

A quick audit of recent years supports Watt’s argument. Plot devices like COIN, blue on green insider attacks, and meeting with local leaders that end up accomplishing nothing have become repetitive. Despite these issues, there remain a strikingly large number of subplots and unanswered questions. So many in fact, that writers and executive producers have expressed that they can’t imagine wrapping this up even if they have 10 plus more seasons.

Regardless, fans remain excited for the final season whenever that may be. An online poll among attendees on who will end up on top received hundreds of thousands of votes and came back with a landslide victory for write in candidate “I don’t give a fuuuuuuck.”

Although the hearing on force readiness in the mid-term began moments ago, it has “nose-dived faster than Congressman Schiff’s reputation,” according to a military legislative affairs officer.

“I put on a service dress uniform for this?” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein asked his peers, apparently unaware he was wearing a hot microphone.

The Committee chairwoman — no one knows her name because she did nothing notable before Democrats took control of the House —asked Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Milley for his assessment of Navy readiness.

Milley appeared confused by a question on a separate service and paused before saying, “I would like to respond by stating that the readiness of Congress to hold this hearing is a complete shit-show, ma’am.”

Rep. Slay Z. Lewks (D – possibly Queens but she doesn’t know) followed with a freshwoman attempt at putting the hearing back on track by asking about mold in military housing. The chairwoman informed Lewks the topic was not related to force readiness.

“Then what about mold readiness in the mid-term?” Lewks asked.

Rep. Sea H. Ag (D – San Francisco) then interrupted Lewks to repeatedly stammer over the word “the.” She finally finished her question on the best place in D.C to meet sailors, which was met by the audible sighs of the testifying service chiefs.

Before Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson could wipe the stunned look off his face, Ag told him “I’m a cougar, John, in case you didn’t notice, John — rawwr.”

The chiefs then appeared to be studying their notes, but they were actually playing sudoku on sheets in their briefing books, except for Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller.

Navy eyeing discounted Boeing 737s

The Navy’s P-8 Poseidon, an invaluable asset in submarine detection, is a modified Boeing 737 aircraft. The Boeing 737 Max has recently come under intense scrutiny and grounded for equipment failure following a string of crashes. Navy leadership paid an emergency visit to the Boeing plant in Renton, Washington, shortly after the news broke.

“How much for this puppy right here?” asked Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer, slapping the nose of a 737. “How does $1,400 sound? I can do 15, but that’s my limit.”

Spencer met with a Boeing sales representative wearing a bright yellow suit, and the two men spent the day walking around the lot. One man would make an offer while the other would pretend to walk. Negotiations lasted late into the evening.

“The Navy has a long tradition of buying broken airplanes,” said assistant Secretary of the Navy James Geurts, who is in charge of Navy acquisitions. “However, we are looking to start saving money when we purchase potentially dangerous aircraft.”

“Don’t worry, this chapter of my book will be awesome” SEAL tells dying teammate

A Navy SEAL reassured a teammate dying from multiple gunshot wounds that this portion of his book would be “awesome,” sources confirmed today.

“This is awesome. I’m talking about this on every stop of my book tour. No way I don’t hit the bestseller lists after this,” Chief Petty Officer Brian Costanza told his fellow SEAL, Petty Officer 3rd Class Chet Steel, who was gasping his last breaths.

As the MEDEVAC helicopter departed with his teammate’s corpse, Costanza jotted down plot points and significant details about the incident to use in “Triumph of the Will: A Navy SEAL’s Journey Through Syria.”

Costanza said he was thrilled to have a significant emotional hurdle to add to the main character arc in the yet-to-be published memoir, but he faced backlash from some of his surviving teammates for the way he handled the incident.

“Don’t get me wrong. Brick is a great guy,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Slade Paragon.“But I think it’s bullshit that he immediately claimed the incident for himself. Yeah, Chet died in his arms, but I was the one pulling security while he bled out. If anything, the trauma I suffered would make for a much more compelling chapter in my own book, ‘This Noble Warrior’s Creed.’ It’s just selfish.”

Petty Officer 2nd Class Chad Brogan, who outed himself on MSNBC shortly after receiving deployment orders to Syria, was also critical of Costanza’s decision.

“At the very least, he should have checked with the rest of the team so we could compare narratives,” Brogan said. “How would it look if all our books had similar chapters detailing Chet’s horrific death and our emotional journeys of recovery? People would think we’re assholes.”

Brogan said he now has to figure out a new anecdote to lead into his monologue about the terrible cost of war during chapter 9 of his book “The Trident Bleeds in Valhalla.”

Costanza was dismissive when asked about his teammates’ objections.

“These cherry fucks just like to complain,” he said. “My first book, ‘Uncommon Men-More Uncommon Valor,’ was published when they were still in BUDS, so I think I know a little more about narrative and plot structure than they do. Besides, what better way to honor Chet’s death than to have the most experienced writer on the team profit immensely by describing it in visceral detail?”

The remaining members of the team eventually agreed to let Constanza use the “death sequence” for his upcoming book. In exchange, they all received co-author credit for helping complete Steel’s posthumous memoir “Unkillable: The Sweet Rush of Combat.”

The SEALs chose to honor their fallen comrade’s memory by announcing that .5 percent of all book royalties will go to Steel’s widow Rhonda and their three young daughters.