my boyfriend made a huge mistake not sure if I should stand by him on this one

Anonymous

on Oct 03, 2010 @ 09:53 pm

Today my boyfriend and I had a pretty big argument. I have posted on this blog before about my boyfriend getting a second D.U.I. because I didn't know if I was wrong for not wanting to stand by his side on that mistake he made. I decided to try and stick it out because I do love him, but only if things got better. According to his lawyer, he will probably lose his license which means he won't be able to drive to and from work. My boyfriend asked me if I could put his car in my name so he could drive to work and back. I do not feel comfortable with this at all so I asked him to give me time to think about it because it was a big decision to make. I at first said yes because I love him and by nature my first instinct is to want to help him in anyway I can, but then I put some serious thought into it and decided to say no. This is his second offense and I also found out that on one occasion when he was upset he got drunk and got into his car and ended up hitting another car on the road and had to take off out of fear of being arrested, it damaged his front end and he told me it happened to him on his way to work and it was the other drivers fault and they took off, so he lied to me. He says it will never happen again but he has said this before. I am happy that since this has happened he hasn't touched alcohol, but I am still uncomfortable with helping him with this and I honestly do not trust that he won't touch alcohol again. He got angry that I didn't want to help him, and said he was upset because I had previously agreed to help him and he started bringing up things that I had done. Am I wrong for not wanting to put the car in my name? Should I trust him? Is this even a healthy relationship to be in? Thank you ladies in advance!!!!

10 Replies

In my opinion, you absolutely made the right call. I get that your bf is hurt that you changed your mind, but let's not forget that what he asked you to do was a huge favour, risky, and ILLEGAL (if in fact he does lose his license).

If he doesn't suffer the consequences of his actions, he may possibly never change his ways. When you prevent him from the punishment that he brought upon himself, you enable his behaviour. What if it happened again? What if you were found to be liable? Would you be willing to pay massive fines or maybe even go to jail? Just because he can't take the bus for a few months?

Good grief. You guys may have a wonderful relationship in every other sense, but the fact that he's so upset with you for your hesitation is a huge red flag to me.

This is not the time to demonstrate trust. If you want to stand by your man, do so by helping him stop this behaviour, not allowing him to use you to break the law. He has broken your trust; it must be earned back.

We can't know if you are in a "healthy" relationship, but this doesn't sound good from our outside perspective. Be strong :)

First of all, his suggestion would never work. If he loses his license it doesn't matter whose name the car is under, it is illegal for him to drive it. If you give him permission and he gets caught or worse, in an accident your insurance company will deny the claim. Please trust me on this. I used to be an insurance adjuster. There is no getting around it. He can't drive. Period.

Secondly (and more importantly), I would seriously re-evaluate being in a relationship with someone like this. He is clearly irresponsible and for him to put you in this position is ridiculous. Imagine if he was the father of your children.

A driver's license is separate from car registration. As Ali de Bold says, your boyfriend's suggestion would never work because one has no bearing on the other. This is way beyond opinion and feelings, it's about legalities: through his own fault, the man is not to drive anything other than a bike, and your insurance provider would deny any claim if he were behind the wheel of your car.

You are wrapped up in the emotions about all of this. Therefore, I suggest a brief call to your insurance provider about what they think about your listing this man on your car. They will explain the ramifications in a clear, unemotional way, and it will help you think very straight.

Finally, I hope you will re-evaluate your relationship with someone who is so needy, dangerous and irresponsible. -- Good luck.

I was an examiner and an adjuster, so yep, I've seen a lot. I'm really happy to be out of that industry but I learned a lot.

BTW, Anonymous the hit and run he did is seriously illegal. Thank goodness no one was hurt, but the damages to the other person's car were his responsibility. Imagine if you woke up one morning and saw that your car had been hit and there was no note, nothing.

Another thing to consider aside from the legalities is that your insurance will be affected if he does something stupid with your car because you gave him permission, and even more so, because you knew his driving record.

I said NO, and I need your help I feel like I want to end this relationship on Oct 07, 2010 @ 01:10 am

This is one thing I just cannot help him out with. He made the mistake, and he is going to have to deal with the consequences. This blog made me realize that if I help him, he will never learn his lesson, and I could never live with myself if he harmed his self or anyone else. I also have been thinking a lot, and this relationship has been rocky from the start, granted I will admit that I have my faults and I'm not perfect and I have made mistakes, but I feel his mistakes could have been life threatening. I have found out that this is not the first time he has been under the influence while driving, like I said once before he even hit someone and had to flee. I noticed that in the beginning when we first started dating when we had an argument he would get upset and drink until he would pass out. About a month ago is when he got his second D.U.I and ever since then I can feel that i just don't care as much anyone, when he calls I don't get excited anymore and I don't rush to answer. I don't feel the way I use to and I think it's because of what he has done. What pushed me over the edge was the day after he got his D.U.I. he walked to a bar and got drunk again! I was so upset and I didn't speak to him for days, eventually I said I forgave him, but I don't think I can ever fully forgive him. He hasn't touched alcohol since, but I don't trust that he won't ever again. Everyday he keeps telling me that he feels like I'm going to leave and I say I'm not but part of me knows that I feel like an idiot for still being here. Any advice? I have never broken up with anyone before how should I go about doing so if that's the right choice? thanks ladies!

I recommend deciding the points you want to get across ahead of time so you don't get nervous and forget what you wanted to say. Plan to meet for coffee or dinner, and DO IT. It's easy to "chicken out" and postpone it, so tell yourself ahead of time that you are going to break up with him and follow through.

I think he has given you more than enough reasons to warrant a break-up. You deserve better than this and shouldn't sell yourself short because you are comfortable in a relationship --and that goes for any situation really!

Hun, I know this is hard :) We all remember our first break up - some of us had the privilege of being the breakers, while others had to be the breakees. It's not easy!

All you can do is be completely sure that this is what you need to do. If you are waffling in your mind, then (a) you need to decide once and for all Yes or No, and (b) you should ask yourself how come his actions aren't a dealbreaker for you?

Let's assume you are certain. Start thinking of this like a game plan, because having a plan is the best way to ensure that the end of the conversation will also be the end of your relationship.

Pick the Time: Do this in the middle of the day, or at least not late at night which is the most romantic time. With your full energy, you'll be able to think more clearly and not be swayed by mood lighting.

Pick the Place: Choose a neutral location - not your house or his, not a restaurant or park where you two have special memories. It should be a public place, though if you're off to the side for privacy that's okay. You both may cry and you don't want to humiliate yourself or him. But you need the safety of other people around in case things get ugly. He won't be able to overreact in public.

Have an Exit Strategy: Arrange for post-breakup plans with friends, family, whatever. This allows you to leave the conversation at a distinct time because you have someone you need to meet. Don't make a pretend plan - actually set something up. Ask the person to call you if you haven't arrived by a certain time to pester you to get over there. This way, he won't be able to badger you for hours about changing your mind (at least, not face to face).

Pick the Script: Plan what you will say. Keep it short, because elaborating just allows for him to dissect your points and turn them around on you. State your reasons for wanting the split, why it's what you need, and maybe even why it's a good idea for him too. Don't offer the false hope that maybe someday things might change. You might secretly think/hope it, but in a breakup scenario you shouldn't leave that window open. If you can, leave things on a calm and caring note. He may have made a lot of mistakes, but he's human as are we all. If he leaves in a rage, he may go on another bender and while that's not your fault, I sense that you care enough about him that you truly wish the best for him.

Be strong! This is tough, but it's also necessary. I think you know that - you seem like a smart cookie :) *hugs*