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in limbo!!

Hi everyone,
Im new to this site and would love to hear from people going throu the same thing as me just for someone to talk to. Bascially i have been with my partner for almost 10 years and we have a beautiful one year old son, . iwe are living together but not married. Things have not been right between us for a long time its very sad as we still get on so well i just think maybe we have grown apart we dont seem to have anything in common anymore and struggle to find things to talk about at times. We did not even realise it was happening until it was too late i think all our focus was on our son and now i do not feel close to him anymore although i do love him im not sure if its more of a friend now, he feels the same. We are both very confused and i think we would both like to save our relationship but are nit sure if we can get back what we once had. We have been here before a few months ago and promised to both try harder but it seemed to slip back quickly, we have now decided we will have a 6 month separation to decide in that time how we feel about each other i will still see him as he will be seeing our son regularly.
Its hard as before we can put this into pratice we need to find him a flat and talk to benefit advisors regarding my rent bills etc so at present we are just plodding throu and it feels like we are in limbo im trying to be strong for my son but its so hard and sad because me and his dad are still getting on well confusing!!!!

Re: in limbo!!

Sometimes long relationships cannot be saved when the two people in it have grown apart. As much as the two of you may try to resurrect how things were in the past, that does not necessarily mean you'll succeed: for the both of you have changed, developed different interests, careers, relationships (friends and such), or have changed outlooks on life in general in a marked manner.

Part of it may also be the fact that the two of you have been together for 10 years, so it is always hard to imagine life without the other in it. Add your son to the equation, and it becomes even harder to imagine such a life. For he will always be a part of your life, and you will always be a part of his through your son.

From the outside it looks like the 6-month trial separation is a good idea, so that the both of you can at least somewhat experience what life would be without the other 24/7 in it. And as long as you and the father of your child remain friends, and live close to each other, I do not see how this should negatively impact on your son. And maybe spending some time apart is exactly that what your relationship needs. It is very hard to sustain a relationship, if you are constantly spending time together - everyone needs personal time, an opportunity to pursue their own interests.

Start looking for reasonable accommodation. The same applies to you if your current accommodation proves to be too expensive for you and your son alone. You have to give thought to practical considerations, such as living close to family, who then can take care of your son, when you have other commitments (work and studies come to mind).

Above all, don't expect things to magically work out within 6 months. The separation may also result in the two of you growing apart in such a way, that you won't be back together, and that means the both of you will have to try and be self-reliant, finding work, interact with your son, and try to build a life on your own. That will be a long and confusing journey, but if things have not been working for either of you, it is for the best that you undertake it.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: in limbo!!

hi chrissy and wecome to lifesupporters. there are a lot of good people here that i know will give some good advice.

my husband and i have been together for 23 years, married for 17 years. i can relate to your problem as i know my hsband can as well. what happens is when there are children, the couple gets so involved in the child that they forget to keep the "us" alive in the relationship. hubby and i lost the "us" years ago and still are working at getting it back 100%. because we love eachother, we don't give up on "us". it takes a lot of work but it can be done.

we went out on a date for the first time in over 10 years last weekend. wqe went to see a movie together. it was sooooo nice just to be alone and have to concentrate on "us". if you had the "us" before your son was born and you both still love eachother, then i'm sure you can find the "us" in you two again with some work. just don't give up and you will know the best thing to do in the end.

Re: in limbo!!

Hello Chrissy and welcome to LS!

Congrats on your beautiful baby! Being a new parent can be hard, bc when it happen's it change's you! Your whole life has suddenly gained this other purpose and meaning. It's so easy to get lost in life. Yes often we don't know we lost something until it is gone, but that's not to say you can'y get it back. Sometimes you can sometimes you can't, but you don't know either way without trying. Have you two thought of counseling? That would be a very good idea for you both i think, for either way the cookie crumbles, it would be great to keep that communication line strong, and co-parenting easier. I know you said you two get along well, but sometimes having a trained professional can really figure out where what went wrong, or see the red light's you stroll through. I'm wishing you the best!

Re: in limbo!!

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice it will always be welcomed! We have talked about councilling but my partner finds it hard to talk about his feelings like most men i suppose! We may consider it i think we will have our answer by the end of the 6 months after spending time apart im positive if we do split we will remain good friends.
Thank you again xx