You guys, we're worried. And not just because we seriously have no idea how to tell the difference between Emma and Sutton (Alexandra Chando). The Lying Game is heating up faster than you can say "naked horseback riding," and the season finale is just around the corner! How will all these mysterious loose ends ever be solved?

This week's episode was even more devious than usual, and to top it off, one of our lovely gamers almost tossed their V-card out a motel window. Believe it!

Welcome to Phoenix, where the weather is hot and the sex is steamy! Poor Emma is devastated to learn about Sutton and Ethan's ranch rendez-do, so she storms over to her man's trailer for some real-talk. Sadly, Ethan stone-cold rejects Emma, as he's too busy wandering around in an unbuttoned denim blouse to talk to her. It's understandable – after all, he thinks she slept with Thayer. Keep up, people!

Meanwhile, Sutton is hell-bent on kicking Emma to the curb, but Em refuses to leave Arizona without a "blow-by-blow" (her words) of what happened on the ranch. As Sutton recounts her sordid makeout sessions with Ethan, Emma bitch-slaps her silly and then threatens to come clean to Ted and Kristen. Get it, girl!

Speaking of Ted and Kiki, things aren't looking good – and we're not just talking about Kristen's low-lights. Girlfriend is convinced that Ted's hiding something from her, and she'll stop at nothing to find out what it is. When Emma catches her fake mom ugly-crying after a particularly nasty fight with the mister, Kristen admits that she thinks Ted and Rebecca hooked up! Wow, it only took her, like, five episodes to catch on.

After calming Kristen down, Emma pops on a pair of sporty sunglasses and heads over to Ethan's trailer to give him one last chance to come clean about what happened with Sutton. Luckily, they kiss and make up, but Ethan insists he didn't lock lips with the Suttster. Hah! Our slow-motion gifs say otherwise.

Ethan, Emma, Thayer, and Sutton plot their next move at the cabin, and decide that Ethan and Em should head to Coachella with Laurel's band, while Thayer and Sutton stay behind to find out whether Rebecca was lying about Alec's alibi.

Tragically, the band's van breaks down in some random backwoods town, and they have to spend a couple nights in a motel (which is so not as cool as hanging with a bunch of wasted, sweaty hipsters). Emma takes the opportunity to tell Laurel that she's a virgin, and promptly decides she's ready to lose it to Ethan. While Laurel's band serenades a bunch of geriatrics in an old folks' home, Emma drags Ethan into her motel room for what is quite possibly the most disappointing V-card moment in television history. Let's set the scene: A shirtless Ethan writhes around on a polyester bedspread with Emma –and then drops the bomb (mid-kiss!) that he made out with her sis on the ranch. Annnnd, that's the end of their relationship. Sigh, so close!

So what's Officer Dan up to while his brother deflowers the ladies? Cuddling under a blanket with his special lady friend – who seems more than willing to use her lawyer skills to bring Alec down to Chinatown.

Meanwhile at the Mercer residence, Kristen asks Ted if he had sex with Rebecca while they lived in L.A. Way to take initiative, Kiki! Ted insists that the phone call he got during surgery was from a fertility doctor, which is obviously a big fat lie. After getting his wifey off the scent, he heads over to Alec's to drink in the dark, and they chat about their plight as possible murderers and child-stealers (at least that's what we took away from their sketchy liquor-laced convo).

In other news, Mads' English flame is still desperate to get into her knickers (see what we did there?), but she wants to put the brakes on their relationship and figure out if her dad's a murderer. Sigh, it's so hard being a teenager.

We're desperate to find out what Rebecca has up her sleeve, and it looks like we're finally getting answers!

Thayer and Sutton are pros when it comes to digging up dirt, and they take advantage of Ethan and Emma's vaycay to do some mystery-solving. First up, a phone call to Rebecca's ex-housekeeper, who reveals that Becs wore a locket with "the love of her life's" picture in it. Uh oh, we have a bad feeling about this.

Meanwhile, Alec is stressin' about that incriminating tire iron photo, and Rebecca has a way to keep him safe – an impromptu engagement. Thayer and Mads are less than thrilled to hear the news, and while the happy couple regale them with their love story, Sutton sneaks upstairs to find Rebecca's locket. So whose handsome mug lurks inside? Yep, you guessed it: Ted Mercer. Cue Home Alone face!