I have female friends that are moral, decent people. They believe in long-term relationships. They don’t sleep around. They don’t do one-night stands. They want to love a man before making love to him. These are strong women who adhere to these beliefs . . . until they cross a state-line.

Then they have “Vacation Sex.”

What is it about going on vacation that makes good girls go bad. Woman who barely kiss on the first date are suddenly making out on the dance floor with a Brazilian guy named Ricardo. And the next morning, when they sneak away from Ricardo’s room, the fact that Ricardo is really named John and actually lives in New Jersey doesn’t bother them a bit.

Most women have a strong moral compass when it comes to sex. However, there apparently is a force field on all city limits that makes this moral compass go fubar. And I think beach sand must clog this moral compass as well. For it seems the closer to the ocean, the more fubar it gets.

I have a female friend who is the consummate professional. She is highly intelligent, very successful and a bit conservative. She is a practicing attorney (and yet still a very nice person.) Up until The Event, she had, had 8 lovers in her entire life. Eight men who she felt very strongly about. Eight men who earned the right to share her bed. Then The Event happened. She went to Club Med.

Now, Club Med has two distinct characteristics. It is across a state line. And it has beach sand; lots of beach sand. This friend; the one who previously had 8 lovers. She increased that number by 25% in one week. And every year, she now she goes back to Club Med. Go figure.

Oh, and her moral compass? Well, it’s quite rusted. And if the Professor from Gilligan’s Island showed up at Club Med, even he couldn’t fix it.

Yet when my friend returns to her job and her friends, suddenly her moral compass is as good as new. And it repairs itself the minute she steps off the plane. Trust me, I know. I have picked her up at the airport. As much as I hoped there might be some residual effect, I can assure you there isn’t.

And ladies, here’s some advice. If you go off to Club Med and have sex with 2 different men, don’t tell your male friend about it, even if you think of him as just a friend. Because when you tell him this, you think you are saying, “These were just flings and I respect you way too much to have casual sex with you.” Whereas your male friend is hearing, “I will have sex with pretty much anyone . . . oh except for you.”

When it comes to “Vacation Sex,” men are different though. Men don’t have this “Vacation Sex” phenomenon. Not that men don’t sleep around on vacation. We do sleep around on vacation. But we also sleep around at home . . . and sometimes at clubs . . .and occasionally in our cars . . . and every so often at work. In fact, if men limited themselves to sleeping around only on vacations, American companies would be offering 36 weeks of vacation a year. Except at the White House, where they would be offering 50 weeks a year or at the local Catholic Church where . . . (Editor’s note – Joke deleted on the advice of legal counsel, but it was really funny.)

Now here’s the difference between Women and Men. The women who are reading this are laughing and admitting to themselves that I am right. (Though they would never admit that publicly, unless when you ask them to admit it, you tell them you are writing a book. Even though when I asked them this I was in fact not writing a book, but was just trying to get laid. My apologies to those women I used that trick on, but I am much more mature now than when I did that, which was in fact almost 3 full months ago.)

But anyway I digress. Back to the difference between Women and Men.

As I said, women are laughing when they read this. Men on the other hand, are not laughing when they read this. Not that they don’t think it’s funny. No, instead they are using their entire brain to process the question, “How can I use this new information to get laid more.” Men, the answer is, you can’t.

You see, whether in your hometown or on a beach in the Caribbean, women are smarter than you. They know what you want. They know why you are going to Club Med. So if you try really hard . . . they are not going to give it to you. In fact, the more you try, the worse chance you have. This is why I believe Gay men have all the women. They aren’t trying. Which is why it would be much easier . . . if I were Gay.