Support for less social people

Tag: mood changes

This vintage ad board is an obvious exaggeration, and also making fun of women’s mood swings is considered sexist nowadays. Of course, all the posters from the 50’s are sexist. However, my mood is also not that stable. I’d like to give an example of ups and downs that a guy would experience, in words that I used 2 years ago to talk about myself:

Down: I was barely able to sit in one room with other people without wanting to kill them.

Up: Today I’m remembering how am I supposed to live, have fun and be friendly. Maybe even cheerful, but it’s still far from that. So, I’ll try asking people: What are you doing over spring break? Do you want to friend me on facebook? Your new haircut is nice. Can I help you?

Obviously, my description of “down” state from back then is alarming. Pretty much everyone here is familiar with the school shooting stories, so it is not okay under any circumstances to express how annoyed you are by saying you want to kill somebody. Only if it’s clear that it’s a joke, like with that vintage ad. Or else people would be unnecessarily worried. So one needs to find some other words to express your negativity. Here are some more lines from back then, which maybe work better than “wanting to kill them”:

(1) What I thought to be just my imagination, is rapidly becoming a reality. I notice things that are just not supposed to happen. Every step in my life becomes dramatic as if it’s a cheap farce. Why couldn’t I just see her boyfriend in the crowd, or catch a glimpse of his nametag! No, he had to come onstage and let them make a clown of him. So symbolic. But I don’t need this second meaning anymore..

(2) Why couldn’t I just see (another her) boyfriend in the cafeteria in the middle of the day? No, in the cafeteria she walks alone. It had to be after I waited 4 hours for her to appear at the party! Imagine how I felt, when she appeared with a boyfriend. And she never let go hugging him. I thought I would be able to just dance beside her, but no.

(3) So I wasted all my pickup lines on that girl, and all along she had 6feet boyfriend somewhere. She never told.

This works a little bit better. Basically, here I complain about the ambiguity that girls around me like to keep about having a boyfriend or not. Although they don’t have to publicly announce their status, learning it the hard way actually hurts.

One may think that because of these disappointments I would become a skirt chaser: stop respecting women’s choice and try getting them to be with me by all means. Pushing girls to talk to me, making them uncomfortable. But none of that happened. I didn’t chase anyone in the US. Every time I report an awkward episode on this blog, it’s typically unintentional. I’m just an uncomfortable person to be with. Too serious, too asocial.

One may think I am traumatized by the events described in the quotes above. But in reality, I did’t blame anyone for the fact that my life was so boring. I seriously considered lying about my life back then, just to make it sound more like lives of other people.

So unlike most of internet dwellers, I possess both of the character traits: the sad emotions about girls I barely know, and the fear of being wrong if I hit on them. I am not intrusive at all, I always stop at the slightest doubt that it may be uncomfortable for other person.

But the ‘I’ from Russia ago didn’t have these properties. I liked everyone in the world, didn’t care about ‘macho men’, and was hitting on the girls and embarrassing myself all the time. Let me conclude with the motivational speech I used to give myself on the pages of this blog:

I think I have to resurrect that personality from 3 years ago. I have never used this personality in the US. In California, at least. But I think it’s time. World is calling for me. That’s why I kept this blog – so that I can leap back in years and get that carefree feeling back again.

By ‘world is calling’ I mean two Asian girls who looked at me today, on Pie day. I don’t even know them. One liked my rollerskates, the other reached for her backpack in the library, and our eyes met. She laughed and smiled to me (maybe, I didn’t really look straight at her). The current me didn’t really want to start a conversation (I’m old!). But the me from the past certainly would say something!