Friday, May 6, 2011

a smile.

i wish i could have just one more smile. i wish that you where here and i could hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet little face. Olivia i dont think you knew how beautiful you where. you where perfect. i miss your expressions and you sleeping in my arms.
its amazing how many people miss you so much. people we dont really know even came to your viewing,
we got a new puppy yesterday and in honor of you we named him Sir Oliver the Great. he is a french mastiff and although he can not take away our pain and mend our broken hearts he can help us heal and feel a little better in these sad times.
i really wish i had more to say. i feel so slow and off. i feel like i have no purpose anymore. you where my life for so long and the title of mommy is one i wear so proudly but how do you continue to be a mommy if there is no baby to hold and to take care of?
ive been asking myself this a lot lately.
i did go to the ER the other day and i told them if they would not remove my birth control i would do it myself. it worked. so now it is no longer in there ....good thing because it was driving me insane.
i went insane a few nights back this resulted in 6 officers an ambulance and a very scared neighbor. they thought chris was beating me but really i was beating myself up. the pain was (is) awful ... i was medicated and took to bed. thankfully bob and bonnie where there, my hand is still pretty beat up and my body is sore from thrashing around ...but hopefully i dont lose it like that again.
i am rambling but oh well ...feelings are out... i miss you olivia

2 comments:

Oh Kate I honestly was surprised at how well you had handled yourself at Olivia's viewing when the minute I saw her and the reality of her actually passing hit me and I fell apart, someone who never even met her in person. When I say I am sorry to you I say it because I know that you are hurting from her loss. I know you are proud to be her momma and that you don't regret a second of her but it still hurts and I am sure it hurts like hell. Many hugs to you and I know you will make it through this journey.