FROM HELEN:
Margaret, what the hell is happening? Nazi's are fine people. Russia poked me on Facebook. The Real Housewives of Trump Tower are fighting over who's the real First Lady. And now the Civil War wasn't about slavery. Has everyone gone insane?
We had an opportunity to have an honest conversation about racism and once again Trump screwed it up. Those football players are kneeling for a reason and it has nothing to do with the flag. And then we had an opportunity to have an honest conversation about gun violence and once again the Republican Party made it about… turned it into… changed the topic to… wait a minute. They didn’t do anything. They just left it hanging out there. It's just bat shit crazy if you ask me.
And now we are debating the civil war? Again? I know for damn sure we had that conversation a long time ago and it ended with freeing the slaves and a dead president. Compromise? John Kelly says it was about lack of compromise? General Kelly, with all due respect, what was the acceptable compromise? _The South could keep the slaves, but they had to give them weekends off?_ My God is anyone in the Trump White House not a racist? They've got more white sheets than a Motel 6 in Pulaski, Tennessee.
The other day I saw John Kasich on TV talking about his dissatisfaction with the Republican Party and I thought maybe we could find something to agree upon. But then he said that he had no idea what Democrats stood for and I was reminded that Kasich is still an asshat.
Mr. Kasich here is what Democrats stand for. It's not a secret.
* Affordable healthcare for all. Period.
* Common sense gun control because you don't need an assault rifle to kill a deer.
* Immigration reform.
* Equal pay for equal work.
* A woman can be trusted to make her own healthcare decisions.
* Sex education reduces unintended pregnancies.
* Love is color blind and gender neutral.
* Global warming is not a Chinese hoax even though Trump has more chins than a Chinese phone book. (Was that racist or just a clever play on the word chin being Chen is the 5th most common Chinese surname? Actually it was a joke about Trump being a fatass which has nothing to do with global warming unless you count the amount of gas Trump releases from his fat ass daily. Surely there is a scientist who can tell us what harm that is causing. You know what? Never mind. Just get us back into the damn Paris Climate Agreement. That's what I meant to say, really. )
* Happy Holidays is a lovely thing to say to someone when you want them to have a Happy Holiday.
* Every child should have access to a quality education.
* College should be affordable.
* Coal is stupid. (see Chen reference above)
* Slavery was bad.
* Nazi's are not fine people.
* Trump is a moron. (Which makes Rex Tillerson an honorary Democrat)
I'm sure I've left a few things out, but I think that's a pretty good list to start. And I imagine if you read the comments below, you'll learn a few more things we Democrats stand for.
I think the real question is what do Republicans stand for? Because it appears they stand for greed, racism and coal. I’m not sure if you know this, but Donald Trump Jr. tweets bullshit about as well as his father. Last night he tweeted out a picture of his adorable daughter with her Halloween candy. He commented that he was going to make her give half of it away to children who didn’t go out because _"it’s never to [sic] late to teach her about socialism." _ Now I don’t know about you, but where I come from a child giving away half of her candy to other kids is called sharing and it's a very charitable thing to do. But bless their hearts, the Trumps know nothing about charity. Maybe it would be a better lesson to have her get 99% of the candy and just wait to see how long it takes for some of it to trickle down to the poor kids she hangs out with. Or better yet, have her pledge to give 25,000 pieces of it to a Gold Star Father and then forget to do it. Oh. I know. Teach her to take the candy from other children and then give it away herself so she can tell everyone how charitable she is and maybe take a tax deduction and then hide her tax returns.
When I was a little girl, if you ran into someone like Donald Trump or Donald Trump Jr. you would conclude that they were not right in the head. Now I have a feeling that little expression is no longer politically correct, but in this case, it is medically correct so I could stand by it. Instead, I'll try not to offend anyone and just say that Donald Trump is not normal, and I don't mean that in a good way. He’s about 9 eggs short of a dozen. A small fries shy of a Happy Meal. A Saturday devoid of a weekend. He's only got one oar in the water. If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose. So dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel… Awe hell. The man’s an idiot and so is his son, Slow Donnie.
Might I remind all of you Republicans out there that your candidates insulted one another's wives and compared penis size. And then you went and elected the disgusting one who admits to assaulting women. Last time I checked, Democrats didn't nominate Harvey Weinstein.
I'm a little tired of everyone trying to make sense out of this President. He ain't right in the head. I mean it really.
FROM MARGARET:
Helen, dear, I don't want to take the chance of offending anyone so I'm donating to Goodwill my Robert E. Lee potholder I bought in Charleston in 1962. The color doesn't go with my kitchen anymore anyway.

Margaret, last week six football players knelt during the national anthem. This week it was 200. And just like Colin Kaepernick, they weren't making a statement about the flag. I swear this president is so stupid, he couldn't find his ass if both hands were in his back pockets.
Lord help me, but I've taken a knee and I don't want to get up. Maybe I can't get up. I'm not sure which. Three and a half million American citizens are in crisis in Puerto Rico, North Korea is threatening Armageddon, Russia used Facebook to influence our elections, Nazis are running over young women, Congress wants to take healthcare away from poor people… and our president has nothing better to do except name calling to get a cheer at his Klan rally.
As the widow of a veteran, I have no issue with any player taking a knee to protest during the national anthem. He has every bit as much right to do that as Donald Trump had to say that McCain wasn't a war hero because he had been captured. Protecting that right is what my husband and McCain fought for. And all those Trump supporters calling for a football boycott lost their moral high ground when they put that man in the Oval Office.
A black football player peacefully protests well-documented inequalities that exist within out legal system and a bunch of crackers in Alabama cheer when the President calls him a son-of a-bitch. Are we really surprised? After all, those same hillbillies had no problem when the President called a bunch of protesting Nazis fine people. If we should be outraged about anything, it's that we have a President who seems to be more comfortable in a white hood than the White House.
The "sons-of-bitches" in question were protesting social inequalities. The fact that Trump and his supporters equate that to protesting America is telling if you ask me. But what is even more telling is how Trump insults the players' mothers rather than the player.
You know what's really disrespectful to the American Flag and the men and women who fought to defend it? The Confederate flag. I mean it. Really.

From Helen:
Margaret, that man is so stupid if he threw himself on the ground he would miss. And in that ridiculous hat he looks like something the dog is hiding under the porch. Honestly honey, I just don't like him. He makes my ass itch every time he opens his mouth.
At the same time thousands in Brazoria County were being told literally to get out now because a levee had been breached, Trump was declaring job well done and commenting on the size of the crowd that showed up to hear him talk. My God that man thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow. At one point he actually marveled about how famous the FEMA director was becoming on TV as if FEMA Director Brock Long should be paying attention to his Neilson ratings.
Look, I don't care what shoes Melania was wearing and I don't care that Trump didn't do any photo shots with victims. I don't even care that he's selling that USA hat he was wearing for $40 dollars on his own website. Ok. Maybe I care a little bit about that. I mean how shameful is this man? I'll give $45 to shove it up his ass. But I digress…. What I do care about is our president has the vocabulary of a third grader and the empathy of a tree stump.
While in Texas, Trump actually said this about Harvey. _"It sounds like such an innocent name. … But it's not innocent. It's not innocent_." For the love of God what the hell does that even mean? Is he going to pardon it now? It's a hurricane not a Jimmy Stewart movie. I guess going forward all Hurricanes should have Latino names so we can be certain they are bad hombres. Hurricane Carla, now she was a real bitch…
Please tell me I wasn't the only one screaming at the television today.
But you know what is most telling about this whole situation? It's the number of Trump supporters who were bitching to me on the internet that "_at least Trump showed up because Obama was playing golf during Katrina._" Hey asshats, Obama wasn't the president during Katrina. Bush was. And for the record, then Senator Obama volunteered in Louisiana during Katrina.
Excuse me but I need to digress again…
Listen up Republicans of all shapes, sizes and limited educational backgrounds. Obama gave you expanded access to healthcare while turning around the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression. Trump has given you accolades for Nazis and ten new coal mining jobs. Pull your goddamn heads out of your asses and think about that.
And to the idiot who showed a picture of Michelle Obama supposedly shopping three days after Katrina… oh Lord give me strength… She wasn't the First Lady then and that picture you're showing everyone is Condoleezza Rice not Michelle Obama. Please. Before I die. Please. I want to meet one member of Trump's base who doesn't have a white sheet and hood hanging in the closet. Just one.
Now. What was I talking about again? Oh yes…
My prayers go out to everyone affected by this storm. I have no doubt that when the rains finally stop, Texas will recover thanks in large part to the hard work of first responders and government officials both local and national. I hold out hope that we learned from past mistakes and will handle this disaster better than Katrina. I'm far from a diplomat. I'm old, cranky and prone to cusswords. But even I am smart enough to know you don't celebrate victory while an entire city is under water and it's still raining.
And to add insult to injury, I just read that ten days before Hurricane Harvey made landfall, President Trump signed an executive order eliminating an Obama-era rule called the federal flood risk management standard. What might you ask is that? It was a rule that asked agencies to account for climate change projections when they approved spending on infrastructure projects. Yep. That rule is now gone. Meaning we'll all be here again long after that fool is gone.
The man is deplorable. I mean it. Really.
From Margaret:
The only thing presidential about that visit was the plane.

From Helen:
Margaret, I used to assume that the majority of racists were probably Republican, but now I am beginning to wonder if the majority of Republicans are actually racists. How else do you explain a party still standing behind this Make America Great Again Asshat of a President? And while I know that I am painting with broad strokes, I still just see a canvas of predominantly white people making up excuses for the racist things coming out of Trump's mouth. The man is 12 shy of a dozen and we need to get him out of office. Hurry Mueller. Please hurry.
Earlier this week I did that Twitter thing and said that I wished Trump would not come to Texas. And for that, one of Trump's supporters called me a c**t. Listen. It's not a nice word but I'll take being called the C word over being called a Trump Supporter any day. And I have good reason to not want Trump to come to Texas.
Before we all turned our attention to Harvey there was a lot of talk about Trump's handling of Charlottesville. In case you forgot a white supremacist… neo-Nazi… white separatist… hell let's just call it like we see it… a member of the Trump base drove a car into a group of counter protestors in Charlottesville killing a young woman named Heather Heyer. Trump said he needed time to determine how he felt about what happened. His initial reaction was to blame many sides. Then two days later he condemned hate groups only to then flip again and show us what he really thought by saying there was blame on both sides. Both sides. On one side there were Nazis and one of them took a car and ran over a young woman. On the other side there were no Nazis. None. Not even one on a bicycle named Rolfe. Nazis on one side. No Nazis on the other. But somehow our President came down in the middle, unable apparently to take sides even though we literally fought and won a war about the No Nazis thing. This isn't a Mel Brooks play. These Nazis didn't dance and sing. They marched and chanted _death to Jews._
And then a few days later another horrible man - this one seemingly not a Nazi - drove a van into a bunch of people in Barcelona killing thirteen. Almost instantly Trump blamed Radical Islamic Terrorists. No sides. Just an entire religion to be blamed. Of course, that Nazi in Charlottesville being a Christian and all has no bearing. Maybe if more Muslims were Nazis… I don't know. Just thinking out loud.
Anyway, at this point a natural disaster couldn't get here soon enough to change the media narrative so Trump did the next best thing. He created one of those man-made disasters called a Trump Rally in Phoenix. And with the nation still trying to heal from Charlottesville, Trump proceeded to whine for an hour about how badly he was treated over Charlottesville. Hey Jackass. You know who was mistreated in Charlottesville? The non-Nazi Heather Heyer who was murdered by one of your supporters. Mr. President have you no shame? Are you really that insecure? For the love of God the other side was marching in support of white supremacy and the war to uphold slavery. And they were doing so because they felt they had a friend in the White House. Are you truly incapable of being even somewhat presidential?
Which brings us back to Harvey or actually Sherriff Joe's pardon just as Harvey rushed ashore. Everyone knew this storm was going to be catastrophic. Even Trump tweeted how huge it was going to be as if that somehow made him more important. And then minutes later he tweets that he is pleased to announce his pardon of the nation's most famous racist. That's the way he set the stage for being a Uniter-In-Chief during a crisis. But I'm the cunt.
So I said openly that I would prefer Trump not to come to Texas. After all, there is no one here to pardon yet. Anyone remember how angry Republicans were at Chris Christy for complimenting Obama's response to Sandy? Considering how much turmoil Trump has been in since taking office, I think Texas Govenor Abbott probably needs to thank Obama as well. But we all know that's not going to happen. Like it or not (I do not), Trump is in the White House now. But honestly does anyone in Texas think he's going to make us all feel better when he gets here? The idiot already bragged about how big his win was in Missouri quite literally while rescue workers were pulling Houstonians from their rooftops. And then hawked a book while seniors were being evacuated from flooded nursing homes. He couldn't even stand up to Nazis. Why do we think he'll act presidential during one of the worst natural disaster in decades?
Mr. Trump stay home. You can Tweet from afar. We don't need you to come here and remind storm refugees the percentage by which you won Texas. This State has enough morons in politics that one more isn't going to do us any good. (Anyone read about the law Texas just passed that will make it easier for insurance companies to screw Texans after this storm?)
But back to Arpaio. When asked about the timing of the announcement, Trump proudly proclaimed that he wanted to take advantage of the huge ratings during a huge hurricane. My God but what a huge asshole this man is. I am not sure we can survive 4 years. Considering it's Trump, do you think we can count this presidency in dog years? My apology to dogs. I mean it. Really.
From Margaret:
Helen, hasn't Texas suffered enough? Having the Trump circus come to town will benefit no one. That clown car needs to just keep moving toward higher ground and hopefully that higher ground is Trump Tower never to return.
My heart aches for you, dear, and your beloved Texas.

FROM HELEN:
Margaret, several people have asked me why I haven't been writing. The truth is, honey, this isn't funny anymore. Our President… scratch that… the moron currently occupying the White House just equated George Washington to Robert E. Lee. He can't understand why a memorial to the symbolic founding father of our country is different than a memorial to a general in an army that fought a failed rebellion against our government.
Mr. President, with no respect intended, I implore you to please step down. You are not qualified for the position you now hold. Quite frankly, you are not qualified to be much more than a reality TV star, a position I hold in very low regard by the way.
There is a reason that in Germany you will find no statues of Hitler, no monuments to the Third Reich, and no Chancellor of Germany suggesting there was blame for World War 2 on both sides. And there is a reason that Robert E. Lee himself didn't want statues honoring the Confederacy. In his own words, _"I think it wiser not to keep open the sores of war but to follow the examples of those nations who endeavored to obliterate the marks of civil strife, to commit to oblivion the feelings engendered."_
Mr. President, you joked recently that you might one day be on Mount Rushmore. I wonder at times what color the sky is in your world? Are you really this stupid? How in God's name did you become the leader of the free world?
No, Mr. President. There were not many sides in Charlottesville. There were just two. Right and wrong. There were white supremacists on one side and Americans who believe all people are created equal on the other side. There were hate groups and there were Americans who oppose hate. There were neo-Nazis and… Do we really have to go beyond that? Isn't that what we call a non-starter? There were Nazi's, you stupid piece of shit, and still that wasn't clear enough for you? Really? You couldn't even get this one right? On one side there were Nazis and on the other there were no Nazis, and you still came down on the wrong side?
Now, I don't know what the Alt Left is, but if it's the group that wants to stand up to neo-Nazis and white supremacists to end racism, bigotry and hate then sign me up. I suggest however that it is just more crap from the endless pile of crap falling freely from your mouth. Mr. President, how many Alt Right funerals took place this week?
What kind of a man is so cowardly that he is unable to distinguish between those groups? What kind of a man can't comprehend the simple concept that while we all have a right to protest, not all protests are right? What kind of man, I ask? Well, I'll tell you exactly what kind of man. The kind that started the birthers, molested women, made fun of the handicapped, joked about having sex with his daughter, and espousesd beliefs that people from Mexico are rapists and murderers. My God if this man had an honest thought, it would die of loneliness.
Everyone wants to claim that we need to get back to the issues that Trump ran on. We are quick to say that the majority of Trump voters were voting because of the economy. Well pardon my French but in this case the bullshit is both walking and talking. This is exactly the issue he ran on. He kicked off his campaign accusing immigrants from Mexico as being rapists and murderers. The Republican Party owns this. If you are a Republican today, you condone this.
Hillary Clinton called them a basket of deplorables. I prefer to call them a confederacy of dunces. My heart goes out to Charlottesville and to this great country of ours as we suffer this fool of a man who was too stupid to know he was too stupid to be President. I mean it. Really.
From Margaret:
Helen, dear. I know I've lived too long that when given the choice between dinner with the President of the United States and dinner with Sarah Palin, I would gladly ask Sarah to pass the peas. And I don't even like peas.

HELEN:
Margaret, somebody called me an elitist because I think Trump and his supporters are morons. I wasn’t’ quite sure what being an elitist means these days and I am pretty sure most people using that as an insult probably don’t either so I looked it up. After all, I’m just a little ole’ gal born in Georgia and I am not sure I qualify to be an elitist.
Now the Oxford Dictionary says an elitist is _someone who supports the view that a society or system should be led by an elite_. Well that just begged the question: What is an elite? I got confused at first because evidently an Elite is _a size of letter in typewriting, with 12 characters to an inch_. Of course, for this particular scenario it also means _a select group that is superior in terms of their ability or qualities to the rest of a group or society such as an elite athlete or an elite armed forces_. My favorite definition of elite, however, is from Merriam-Webster: _the choice part or the best of a class_. So I guess I am an elitist after all, because I want the best candidate for the job and I know for damn sure I want an elite President and not this orange man-child who is about to take office.
And I am in good company. They said Meryl Streep was an elitist after her speech at the Golden Globes. You remember, don’t you? That moving speech she gave where she dared to say that we shouldn't mock the disabled and a free press was vital to our democracy… What an elitist that Meryl is. How dare she make speeches about standing up for the disabled and defending the Constitution! Wait… what’s an elitist again?
You know Margaret, I was feeling lower than a snake’s belly in a ditch after a rain shower about this election. Kellyanne Conway is so good at lying… I mean telling us what is in Donald’s heart. And I thought to myself that maybe I should give the man a break. Maybe Trump deserves a second look. Maybe I should show some respect for the office to which he has been elected. But then I thought, nah he’s a moron and I’m an elitist who doesn't think a society or a system should ever be led by a moron.
For goodness sakes, he’s not even trying to rise to the occasion. The man is tweeting about national intelligence agencies one minute and Saturday Night Live the next. And shockingly he is paying attention to the latter and ignoring the former. Damn right I’m an elitist because I actually do think society should be run by someone with superior abilities instead of an idiot who can’t prioritize security briefings over comedy sketches.
And he is surrounding himself with idiots too. Are you really telling me that of all the people he could have nominated for Attorney General, he didn't know even one without racist attitudes? What does that say? Think about it. What does that say about this man? He appointed a known plagiarist to be a senior communications strategist. And then he asked Omarosa to be… actually I don’t know what he asked her to be. But Omarosa for anything? What does that say? And incoming Press Secretary Sean Spicer actually whined to the media, that Saturday Night Live wasn't being funny, they were being “mean-spirited”. Oh Really? You know what’s mean-spirited, Sean? Mocking a disabled person. You know what else is mean-spirited? Laughing about sexually assaulting women. You know what else is mean-spirited? Suggesting most immigrants from Mexico are rapist and drug dealers. Also, mocking a disabled person. And yes. I know I said that already.
An elite athlete knows how to win a game. An elite army knows how to win a war. An elite President knows how to put down his smart phone and look the nation in the eye and apologize for his inappropriate behavior. Hell. You don’t even have to be elite. You just have to be decent. Decent enough to admit that it was wrong to make fun of the disabled. Admit that it was wrong to have disrespected and then denigrate women that way. Decent enough to tell the American people that you're not perfect but you’ll strive to be a better president than you were a man. But we don’t have an elite as President-elect. We don’t even have a decent person about to hold the highest office in the land. We have a buffoon, man-child with skin thinner than that size 2 model/pin-up immigrant he’s married to. And even she doesn't want to live in the same house with him.
Call me an elitist. It's a badge I will wear proudly. I’d rather be an elitist than the racist, misogynist, mouth-breathers who voted for Trump. That’s right. I said it. I insulted Trump voters and I won’t apologize for it. We all knew what he did and what he said and what he stood for. There was no mistaking what you were voting for. I have no intentions of pulling punches. You people elected a moron and the rest of us "elitists" get to look down our noses and point our fingers and ask you to explain yourselves. Is it OK to make fun of the disabled? Yes or no? Is it OK to sexually assault women? Yes or no? Is it OK to commit fraud? Is it OK to discriminate against minorities? Is it OK to refer to your daughter as a nice piece of ass? Is it OK to vote for someone who did? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you can kiss my elitist ass.
Trump is not my president. I will challenge him at every turn. I will hold him accountable for every ignorant, vapid tweet. I will hold him to the very highest of standards and ridicule him when he comes up short. Why? You ask. How dare I? You say. Because he made fun of a disabled person and that’s all I ever needed to know about Donald J. Trump. I mean it. Really.
MARGARET:
I understand some folks are planning to wear black on Friday in protest of the inauguration. I will be in black as well as Howard, but we will be attending a funeral of another kind.

Margaret, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and rejoin the world again. I figured enough time had passed since the election and surely Trump had finally made that pivot and started acting like a President. So I tuned in to CNN and…
Nope.
Now, I'm not sure if Meryl Streep is overrated. I mean she's no Scott Baio, I'll give you that. But that's really not the point, is it? The point is that the man-child about to become our next President couldn't come up with a better retort than that?
"Meryl Streep is one of the most overrated actresses…" as a comeback has about as much intellectual maturity as "I know you are, but what am I?" And he couldn't even do it in 140 characters. It took him 16 minutes and 417 characters to write the literary equivalent of "I'm made of rubber and you're made of glue." Good Lord, he can't even use an ellipsis correctly.
Three dots, Donald. Three.
Honestly, ten monkeys banging on ten typewriters could have come up with a better response in less time. And it should come as no surprise that Trump had already forgotten a year earlier telling the _Hollywood Reporter _that "Meryl Streep is excellent." We can only hope a year from now the man also forgets he was elected President and just wanders back to Trump Tower never to return to Washington. Of course that would leave us with Pence…
Three dots, Donald. Three.
But it's really not about Streep being overrated as an actress or Trump being outperformed by a group of typing chimpanzees. It's about the fact that Trump actually did mock a disabled person. It's about the fact that disrespect really does invite disrespect, and violence really does incite violence. And when the powerful use their position to bully others we all really do lose.
Trump made fun of and imitated a disabled person. It's all on video and rather than believing what we all can see, we are being told we didn't actually see it. Just like we are told that Meryl Streep is the most excellent……….. No wait…….. Meryl Streep is the most overrated……. No wait…..
Three dots. Three.
I just might have to tune out again, Margaret. If only because I am beginning to think that we would have been better off electing those ten chimps instead of this asshat. I mean it. Really.

Dear Family,
I look forward to seeing you all for Thanksgiving. This will be my last Thanksgiving as the head cook and bottle washer. Next year, God willing, I will sit back and relax while the next generation takes the lead. Until then, you’re going to have to humor me one last time.
As always you can leave your electronic devices in the basket by the door and I suggest you do the same with your political opinions. My turkey has both white and dark meat. That means at my table you can be someone who voted for Donald Trump but you do not need to be someone who acts like Donald Trump. If you don’t heed my warning, you’ll get the store-bought pies Gertrude brings rather than my homemade ones.
This year I learned that it takes all kinds. For that reason, I am broadening my horizons and opening my mind to the fact that some of you have certain dietary concerns. So listen close. If you are avoiding fat, sugar, sodium or gluten you should be concerned. If you are vegetarian, I think you might be able to forage enough on the table to make a meal.
We have two new babies in the family. What a joy. The back bedroom is the perfect get-away for naps, but an inside trashcan is the wrong place for dirty diapers. Put your disposable diapers in a trash bag and take them all the way to the can outside. Thanksgiving is on a Thursday and the trash truck doesn’t come until the following Tuesday. That’s six days of smell I do not need. Double bag them and bury them deep so I don’t see them.
Football is on all day long. The television is not. When the meal is ready the set is off, and it doesn’t go back on until the last person is done with their meal. God forbid we actually talk to one another.
Kids come in all shapes and sizes. Guess what? So do cups. If your child isn’t going to finish their first drink, then they don’t really need a second one do they? I am not a woman who likes to waste food – liquid or otherwise. And speaking of otherwise, plates should be full at the beginning and empty at the end. Take a little of everything you like as long as you plan to finish it. Once everyone has had the chance to eat, you are welcome to go back for seconds.
You were all so kind to offer to bring something. I was so kind as to say bring nothing at all. But if you insist on arriving with a dish, make sure it is table ready. I have two ovens and four burners. All of them will be in use. Turkey and stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes with cream and butter, sweet corn, green bean casserole, candied yams, peas in sour cream, cranberries, homemade bread, apple and pumpkin pies. Honestly. What else is there to bring?
Cloe, I am tired of fighting with you, dear. Feel free to bring that disgusting dish you call Jell-O-salad. I question if it is really either. Honey, no one is going to eat it so make sure you have the appropriate container to take it back with you. I don’t need that left-over mess staring at me every time I open my fridge. However, if you want to make it with orange Jell-O this year, we can call it Trump Dump and at least laugh with you rather than at you.
Mary, honey, you’ve given me a goodly number of great grandchildren. Precious gifts from heaven, each and every one, especially that middle one who looks the spitting image of your late Grandfather. But honey, you and your husband made the decision to have all those children and, therefore, you must suffer the consequences. Parenting is a full-time job. You don’t get to take time off when you get to my house just because it's a holiday. Little feet stay on the floor and off the furniture. Red drinks and other liquids that stain should either be avoided or consumed outside. My nice things stay out where I can see and enjoy them. Your children’s hands stay off. “Yes” is not the only word in the dictionary. There is also “No” and “Because-I-said-so” (all one word). But for the love of God, you have to mean it when you say it.
I don't know what a selfie is. I don't pose for the camera anymore because the camera doesn't love me anymore. If you want a picture of me, take one off the wall. If you do get one of me this holiday, spare me. I don't need to see it unless you have one of those appy things that makes me look 50 years younger and 50 pounds skinnier.
I love each and every one of you and I am so glad to have yet another holiday together. Come hungry and leave full. Hug one another because you can. Argue if you must, but then agree to disagree. Try something new or let go of something old. Give more. Take less. Oh hell. Listen to me rattle on like I am some sort of philosopher. Screw it. Come for the food and stay for the company. Everything else can be made better with gravy. I mean it. Really.
(Note: The death of Margaret has been greatly exaggerated.)

Margaret, maybe we have this all wrong. Maybe the big news didn't happen on Tuesday. Maybe it was Wednesday. They say Trump woke a sleeping giant, but maybe that giant didn't wake up before the election. Maybe it woke after the election when we all finally realized that everything we hold true and dear about this nation can indeed be taken away. Maybe, just maybe the sleeping giant is actually the millions who trusted in hope and love instead of those who walked into a polling booth and secretly voted for hate and fear.
I saw a map today of voters age 18-25. The map was shockingly blue from coast to coast and even in the middle. Could this be true? And if so, how do we ensure those voters don't become jaded?
I am not sure what is next for Margaret & Helen but we are not dead yet. And I'll be damned if we go down without a fight. We'll promise to try and hold on until 2020 if you promise to hold on with us.
First up, 2018 midterms. We'll be here. Will you?
Whomever we are and whatever color we are, and whatever age we are, and whatever gender we are, and whatever sexual preference, religious belief, city or town, church, mosque or synagogue… we are awake now. And this is our country.
We are battle worn but not battle weary. Someone has to watch that skunk Trump and keep him in line. And someone has to watch the Republican powerhouse and make sure they don't overreach. Our elected Dems need us now more than ever.
Wake up! Wake up! I mean it. Really.