Outside of Planet Terror in Grindhouse, which was surprisingly awesome, I’ve always found Robert Rodriguez’s movies just a liiiittle too dumb in a not-clever way for me to enjoy. I think it has a lot to do with his child-like obsession with silly weaponry – the penis gun in Dusk Till Dawn, the guitar guns and bombs and guitar flamethrower in Once Upon a Time in Mexico, the rocket launchers inside the engine manifold in Machete… And these things would be easier to forgive if it didn’t feel like Rodriguez thought he was being super clever. Anyway, the Rodriguez imagination is back in full effect in this new poster for Machete Kills, starring Sofia Vergara firing indiscriminately with boob guns. Because she’s using her sexuality as a weapon, get it? Where are the bullets supposed to come from, anyway? Her vagina? And how does she aim those things? They’re clearly set off in different directions at a 45-degree angle from each other, which seems like it’d be ineffective in a fire fight. Plus, she can’t fire from a covered position, she actually has to put her head and torso in a vulnerable position to return fire, which seems like a major drawback. This is basic military tactics.

More importantly, why cast an actress with world-class breasts if you’re just going to cover them in metal props? Please, sir, let Sofia’s breasts speak for themselves. I can add the “pew-pew” sounds myself.

I rewatched Desperado recently, and it is criminally retarded. I hadn’t seen it since I was about 13 (at which time I fucking loved it), but even for a really stupid movie, it’s pretty bad. On the other hand, young Salma Hayek.

I guess what I’m trying to say is Robert Rodriguez had a knack for casting latinas with huge racks, and I think that’s something we can all get behind.

With each Rodriguez movie, I slowly realize that he’s not in on the joke. While Tarantino is trying to use tropes in bad genre films to do something smart and resonating, I feel like Rodriguez is using tropes in bad genre films to make.. bad genre films.

Pietro Germi’s “The 10th Victim” is everything Rodriguez wishes he was making. Ursula not only has a gun bra, but she manages to deflect a bullet with her bullet proof bikini panties, which in itself would have required incredible marksmanship on the part of the shooter.

I really enjoyed Machete and I love Sofia Vergara. But that poster makes Machete 2 look really fucking stupid. I think he went too far with this one. . .Couldn’t she be pulling a gun out of her ass or have an ass gun?

Robert Rodriguez has long since lost his mind and I’m pretty much done supporting his ridiculous projects. Yeah I like hot chicks and silly violence. He takes the fun out of those things by going so over the top with it.