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Nell Scovell: Checking In with the Hollywood Ethicist

I secured some of the precious time of William Greenber, the Hollywood Ethicist, a veteran producer and respected sage on matters socio-Hollywoodological. Here, he addresses some of the serious issues with which the filmmaking community grapples.

I have to attend a "Save the Rain Forest" fundraiser at the Beverly Hills Hilton this weekend. Should I feel hypocritical about driving my gas-guzzling SUV to the event? Do you think it would be best to rent a Prius for the night?

Okay, before I answer this question, let me ask YOU a question. How long have you lived in Hollywood? Two minutes? Two seconds? Because I have lived in this town for 40 years and have never once worried about being hypocritical. Hypocrisy is for people who hold beliefs and can betray them. Those people don't last a week in CAA-ville. Hollywood's a town where Pamela Anderson is a vegan because she says she CARES about what she puts in her body. Oh, and a good spouse is one who only cheats when on-set. So forget about hypocrisy. It would be hypocritical not to be hypocritical here. Now GUILT, that's a different story. We get guilt. In fact, guilt has a three-picture deal at every studio. So let me give you some notes on your question because, frankly, it needs a rewrite. Your question SHOULD be: "Should I feel GUILTY about driving my gas-guzzling SUV to the event?"Good question. NO. And I'll tell you why: Hollywood is a caste system on wheels. Show me a successful Hollywood producer and I'll show you a Mercedes 850. Show me an agent's assistant and I'll show you a VW Jetta. Sure, there are exceptions—like the low-level development exec who drives a Porsche because his family's loaded, or the A-list writer who drives a Blazer because he's "quirky" hiding behind "cheap."

Now, you mentioned the Prius. Let me tell you something about the Prius. It's an eco-friendly car that costs $29,000, and mega-stars like Cameron Diaz and Leo DiCaprio swear nothing's better for transporting them to their PRIVATE jets and yachts. But I'll tell you something else about the Prius. If there's a collision between my Navigator and your Prius, who's gonna end up in the Gabby Hayes Critical Care Center at Cedars-Sinai? NOT ME. I need protection on the road. I'm in my car talking to my lawyer … writing down box office receipts … I'm WORKIN' in there.

So don't think twice about driving your SUV to the rainforest fundraiser. Drive it with pride—even ARROGANCE—assuming it's a Mercedes, BMW, or Lexus. If it's a Honda Element, DON'T leave your house.