Chronically late sister

I used to lurk on here a lot but then I had baby #2 and disappeared off the face of the earth, but I'm here for some general advice. I think I might know what you intelligent people would say but I just want to confirm. Also I never did become well versed in acronyms. My brother and husband are just military and I feel like 30% of their vocab is acronyms and I just smile and nod, so I will only be using super basic ones here.

BG - Married with good marriage that has the same problems most do but it doesn't affect our family. ODD is almost 3, YDS is 9 months.
DH (dear husband) has been away on military orders since August but is coming home in two weeks!
While he has been gone, I have been watching my nephew who is currently 13 months. Sister is a single mom who is currently in the middle of a divorce over domestic abuse. She works night shift so I theoretically watch nephew from 530pm-630am (or whenever he wakes up) Fri-Sun.
Here's my frustration. I know that she is a single mom and that it is really hard work. I'm blessed to be able to stay home with our kids full time but I know that isn't an option for everyone and my sister is doing to best she can for her family without the support of a husband at home. That being said, we are having chronic problems with her not picking him up at the agreed time. There are some times where I offer to let him stay until lunch time so that she can get some sleep, but there are some days where that just doesn't work for us. The problem is that she usually ends up falling asleep before he wakes up and isn't here on time and won't wake up when I call. I sympathize with her need for sleep and I'd certainly be exhausted after a 12 hour graveyard shift, so I don't want to make a fuss over it, but there have been days where I've had to miss church or whatever because she slept in so late without waking up to usually over a half dozen calls.
One concern I have about this is even if I don't mind missing stuff we had planned, if something happened to him she would be unreachable.
How do I address this without coming across as unsympathetic to the difficulties that come with being a single mom who is chronically sleep deprived? If I could offer to watch him for an extra 8 hours a day I would, but that's just not an option right now.

Comments (48)

It sounds like you're going to have to decide to what extent you're willing to let your sister slide with this kind of stuff. If her being perpetually late is not going to work, then it's just not going to work. It's nothing personal. It is what it is.

You have a life to live, too. Only you can determine how much of it you are willing to give to your sister's problems. Sooner or later, you are going to feel like you're being taken advantage of. And you will resent it.

You need to talk to her and let her know she either has to keep to the rules or you will no longer be able to assist her. Then she can choose if she's willing to comply.

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If you're gonna be dumb, then you'd better be tough.

Spend more time vetting a potential husband so you don't have to spend time vetting a therapist

I would tell her your getting burned out. That the current situation isn’t working for you. From now on she picks up her son on the way home from work whether he’s asleep or not. If that doesn’t work for her then she will need to find new care.

Depending on your long term relationship with your sister there are several things you could do.

If you've had a good relationship in the past I would ask her to come directly to your house after work & sleep there until her son wakes up on the days you cannot watch him in the morning. I would also ask her to provide an additional car seat, so you can take him places if you are watching him late.

Your husband is coming home in 2 weeks after being gone for 6 months. You need family time. Tell her she needs to make alternative arrangements for at least a month. Your husband is going to need that time to bond with his children.

Other posters have provided different insight. You didn't provide any information about your sisters personality or your relationship with her. My guess is you feel she will handle your boundaries poorly otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. Take the advice you feel is best suited.

You are awesome to do this for your sister!
I know this isn't ideal, but...

Posted
03/10/2018

You are awesome to do this for your sister!

I know this isn't ideal, but is it ever possible to just bring your nephew with you to church or wherever you are going?

i too think it's awesome that OP (original poster) has been able to help her sister out during a very difficult time.

what i think the OP (original poster) is looking for is a way to get her sister to realize that the OP's family life and routines are going to change in a major way in two weeks.

the OP's husband is coming home after being deployed for over six months. the OP (original poster) will no longer be able to just deal with it when her sister doesn't show up on time to pick up her son. hell, it's not a given that she'll even be able to watch nephew all weekend, every weekend, going forward. the OP (original poster) and her husband are going to want to return to their nuclear family life. that probably doesn't include having only 11 hours a day on both weekend days to do things that don't include nephew, even if sis was to pick up her child on time, which seems to be a hit or miss kind of thing.

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Everything I know about being a good MIL i learned from my ILs. I just do everything the opposite of what they did to me. It's working out so far.

I’m going to be honest here. Your baby comes first. No one else should matter.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Let your husband get to know his child as well. Assist her in exploring other options for childcare arrangements. Direct her to a website that enables parents to find childcare instead. Single parenthood can be hard work sometimes but there are lots of resources that aim to make it easier.

Encourage her to apply for any assistance programs. You deserve family time. What is your relationship with her like? Do you have a plan for what to do if this escalates(a real possibility around these parts)? If she wants you to take him places insist on her supplying you with a good quality car seat.

She is completely insensitive to YOUR needs. Stop worrying about how she feels because she doesn’t care about what you feel. Burnout is a serious thing. One more question. Why do you continue to let her use you in that way?

Depending on your long term relationship with your sister there are several t...

Posted
03/10/2018

Depending on your long term relationship with your sister there are several things you could do.

If you've had a good relationship in the past I would ask her to come directly to your house after work & sleep there until her son wakes up on the days you cannot watch him in the morning. I would also ask her to provide an additional car seat, so you can take him places if you are watching him late.

Your husband is coming home in 2 weeks after being gone for 6 months. You need family time. Tell her she needs to make alternative arrangements for at least a month. Your husband is going to need that time to bond with his children.

Other posters have provided different insight. You didn't provide any information about your sisters personality or your relationship with her. My guess is you feel she will handle your boundaries poorly otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. Take the advice you feel is best suited.

I would ask her to come directly to your house after work & sleep there until her son wakes up on the days you cannot watch him in the morning.

this is the only part of your post that i disagree with, bmac. all this would do would be to add a sleeping adult into the mix; the OP (original poster) would still be responsible for her nephew.

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Everything I know about being a good MIL i learned from my ILs. I just do everything the opposite of what they did to me. It's working out so far.

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