Not Julia CaplesYou could be a vampire if you wanted to be. It's true. This is an actual lifestyle you can choose, and you don't even have to be born in Transylvania with pointy incisors or be immortal or anything like that. Just ask real-life vampire Julia Caples. The mom of two says she drinks nearly two liters of blood a month -- you know, kind of like how you do all that juicing? It's totally the same, only not vegan at all.

I just want to clear something up about Ms. Caples up front here before we go on: She does not, I repeat, does NOT go into people's bedrooms at night and suck their blood, turning them into new vampires. She is a highly ethical vampire, thank you very much, and only drinks the blood of friends. WILLING friends.

Julia is not the only vampire hobbyist in the area. There's actually a community of vampires who get together at their favorite goth nightclubs in New York, as you do. And she doesn't just bite into her friends -- she carefully slices into them with her custom sterilized pagan knife and then sucks their blood. She's been at it for 30 years -- ever since her teens.

Ms. Caples claims that sucking blood makes her feel healthier and stronger and that she's never sick. I guess it's all the extra iron? I'd love to hear a doctor weigh in on the health benefits -- seriously, I'm curious.

Oh my America. Isn't it great that there's room in this country for people like Julia? Instead of repressing her odd predilection for blood sucking, she just went for it. She's being the only Julia Caples she can be. This is the fullest expression of who she is, black velvet, caskets, blood-smeared face, and all. It definitely pushes the boundaries of self-expression, especially considering she's a mom. (Her kids do think it's kind of weird.) It's not for everyone, obviously. But hey, as long as she's not hurting anyone, why not?