35. Chapter 35

“I’m sorry, Charles. I should discuss with my parents, but I don’t feel ready for marriage.”

“You’re nearly twenty-one!” He protests. I nod in respectful disagreement. I want this conversation to be over. I want to be packing my bags and moving away from here.

I want to start over, to leave this dead empty life behind.

“I’ll discuss it with my parents,” I repeat, and he stands and walks away without a further word.

Good. I can’t imagine what my life would be like married to him. I would have to spend every day pretending to be what I’m not. I would have his children… and they would be his, not mine. They would go off to school and I’d never see them. They’d get married off and shipped into tedious careers and the circle would go on.

Well, not for me. I refuse to change what I am. I will find a way out. I will escape. I will be free.

A teacher.

I remember the list of regulations from a book…

Teachers cannot smoke, or swear, or drink. They must be unmarried. They may not leave the town. They may not visit saloons.

Who cares. I couldn’t do anything interesting married either. This way, I have one less burden, a burden named Charles Evenson.

My stomach flips inexplicably at the name. I wonder why I loathe him. I always have, and it makes no sense. He’s never been anything but a perfect gentleman. He’s always been kind, if a bit distant and extremely boring. Thus, I should think I’d find him nothing but boring.

And yet I find myself hating him.

I’m half tempted to marry him just to spite myself. But that would make the sensible part of myself miserable also.

This is a decision I must make rationally. What are my choices?

One, marry Charles.

Two, go out West.

Three, stay here and lie to myself and everyone else.

I can’t stay here. My parents will eventually talk me into marrying someone, or they’ll let me rot to death in my own bedroom.

No, I need to leave, to get out of this dead empty life.

So, Charles, or teaching?

I think for a second. There are pros and cons. I don’t want to leave my entire life behind… and then again, there’s nothing to hold me here. There’s nothing at all exceptional about my life, and if I leave it, I won’t miss it.

Then again, I’d like to have children of my own… but…

I know what I really want. I want to marry a man I love. Unfortunately, that’s not an option. I want Carlisle’s children, but he’s gone and never coming back. I have to settle for second best, either another way to get what I want or an empty mockery of my fairy-tale with someone who definitely isn’t my prince.

I can’t… I don’t know… and then, after a second, I am absolutely sure what I’m going to do.