Let’s Skip 3D and Go Straight to Holographic TV

12/30/2008 4:59:09 PM

Now that Rupert Murdoch’s BSkyB is preparing to launch 3D TV across Great Britain, why even bother with it here? The Japanese are already kicking us around with ultra high-definition TV, and plan to have 3DTV in 2010. We haven’t even had a limited home demo here yet, just a football game in a few theaters. Sky has figured out a way to transmit three-dimensional television over its existing HD infrastructure and through its 600,000 or so HD set-top boxes.This illustration reveals in detail the complicated process by which Sky records 3D TV and transmits it to British households, which appear to consist of two rooms stacked upon one another. Amazed British citizens are then treated the wonders of having a footballer right there in front of them on the carpet (psychedelic 3D glasses required).Hello? Is this not a modern-day Sputnik crisis threatening to diminish, nay, destroy, U.S. dominance in the field of passive leisure and living vicariously through the athletically inclined? I’m shocked… shocked that the Sky 3D story isn’t even showing up on the Google News front page. Instead there’s something about a corrupt Chicago politician.Now I ask you, what in the world is new about that? You might note that there are things on U.S. TV you don’t want to see in 3D. Or HD. Or at all. Take “Momma’s Boys.” Or “Dancing With…” anyone. Or “Biggest Loser.” I mean, nothing personal, but come on. We’re not talking sweeping aerial views of New Zealand’s interior, are we? No, we’re talking a nauseating intersection of penny-pinching TV executives and a growing belief among the unwashed that appearing on TV will make us rich beyond belief!!!But I digress, because content is not the point, even if it should be.The point is technology, and now Britain has something better than we do.Britain, for heaven’s sake! Isn’t it enough they had the language first? Let’s not even talk about the dollar versus the pound. They have Eddie Izzard. Who do we have? Carrot Top? If we cease to crush them with technology, it will be but a matter of time before our collective ego is pummeled by the vague condescension inherent in the British tongue.Alas! A call to arms is in order! It’s time for the six people with all the money in this country to invest it in holographic TV (and me, of course, but we can work that out off the clock…). There’s work being done at various universities on holographic TV if you believe everything you read on the Internet which I do because it’s the American Way. CNN reported in October that a Dr. Nasser Peyghambarian at the University of Arizona is leading a group of scientists who’ve developed the chips necessary for holographic TV.Coincidentally or not, Peyghambarian’s prediction that holographic TV could be a reality in five to 10 years was disputed by a Mr. Justin Lawrence, an electronics engineer from… Wales! (You know, Wales. Next door to England? Sean Connery Tom Jones? Those wacky little dogs with Basset Hound bodies and fox ears?) The man is clearly a spy.