Tag: suicide

To my friends and family who might frown upon reading this… this is not for you. This is for the lives that are about to be reaped if the stigma of mental health continues. This is me doing my part for the world.

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

The title of this post is my favorite Latin phrase: “A rough road leads to the stars”. It resonates deeply with me. And so does Ralph Waldo Emerson. I live by his quotes. I wholeheartedly love all of his wisdom.

But going where there was no path was not idyllic. Life wasn’t easy. And it sure showed me how.

This is my story, and I want to share with you some of the most important lessons I have ever learned. Maybe it will save you time in the long run, maybe from heartache, maybe it will help you avoid the mistakes that I did – who knows, the universe only does. Now before you go ahead and read it… I want you to understand 3 things:

Important reminders

This isn’t for you IF:

you’re the kind of person who feels they’re better than anyone else. I do not need your prejudice, I’m here to talk about what happened in order to become who I am today, and why stopovers & rejections in life were vital to my current position.

you think life is the same pattern for everyone else like it is for you.

you are not an empathic listener.

you are not passionate about life.

you refuse to embrace the waves of change.

Life will break you – whether or not you want it.

My reality and truth may make you uncomfortable, but as they say, experience, is a great teacher.

If you are okay with everything from above, click on below. Otherwise, I’ll advise you to click the X button on your window.

Read my full story

The Dark Years (2011-2013)

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.Apple Inc.

At 20, I had to force-drop out of college.

I’m so close to completing my 4-year-course in BS Interior Design at University of Santo Tomas when everything fell through. Some conflicts with professors & subjects… I figured, I shouldn’t stay if I only had to repeat and pay for the same knowledge again.

I didn’t have that much of a solid game plan, but I wanted out.

I didn’t want my parents to suffer financially and that time I was already getting bored with the academic system that I wanted to get as far as possible, and instead finish my course abroad.

I love interior design, I had no doubt about it nor in me. I was confident I would be successful in it, but I was naive at how.

And then there was my marriage.

I was married once, separated & turned into an almost-divorcee after irreconcilable differences with my American ex-husband… it was a relationship I thought would last until I was 85.

We were best friends and we loved each other but we battled long distance and I gave up after his infidelity. It turns out it wasn’t meant to be, and in March 2015, he died and I was a Filipina widow at 24.

To be invested wholly in someone else, build dreams together and put your life on their hands was beautiful and destructive. But things happened for a reason; through him I met some of the most important people in my life who’ve seen me through ups and downs. It was because of them that I started being positive. Still, the constant battle of getting back up at life proved to be hard. Depression has embraced me and I felt suffocated.

Nobody knew I fell into it for 3 long years while also battling H. Pylori along with a handful of lab tests and clinic visits, except for my mother and a few close friends.

Christmas of 2013, with my puffy eyes and sleepy self, I climbed up to my condominium’s rooftop to check my laundry… but ending up standing on the edge, ready to jump and end my life.

It was horrible. Things were all going the wrong way at the same time.

I wanted to die.

Life from 2011-2012 was an extremely dark tunnel I couldn’t get out.

Grasping For Light (2013-2014)

Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there’s no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.Laini Taylor

In summer of 2013, I finally had my life together (somehow, professionally). I had a job as a graphic designer & visual merchandiser at a major local surplus outlet in Philippines.

“This is the life,” I thought.

I was 21 at this point, and not long enough in 3 months I got promoted. In 6 months, I was the retail marketing supervisor for their nationwide branches. In early 2014, I got transferred to handle worldwide trading.

Depression was not so much an issue anymore, as my busy days kept me from feeling sad. But at the back of my mind, and in my heart… I felt so old. My career was on a fast lane, I was earning more than my peers but after a year I was burnt out. I had a lot of money, a stable career but I wasn’t happy.

It only took me a year to realize that I wasn’t from the same mold like everyone else.

I was young, but I could feel myself withering away.

What was the point of living then, if I was living miserably?

I had to find answers. And so I did.

The Revival & The Fluctuation (2014)

You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.Joel Osteen

I revived my online lifestyle brand, Tavolozza, which I founded in 2011 during my sophomore college years. I always believed in this little shop of mine, but during the course of rebuilding it I learned I was with child. Things halted again when I wanted them to move forward.

I had feelings of mixed joy and anxiety. It was the best & scariest news I’ve ever gotten. I’ve been praying for a child for 3 years, and I’ve always wanted to be a young mama… yet somehow it never manifested until I gave up praying to the universe. I guess timing has its own right.

During the course of the 2014 – and my pregnancy – I fell hard again into depression. No productivity for me meant that I was idle and I was burning hours when I didn’t want to. It wasn’t even post-partum yet I was suffering badly. I think it was because of the meds I took during my 2013 ordeal with my health, but I wasn’t sure.

And during these dark moments… all I ever really thought of was, “if I came out of this hole, I’m never letting anyone feel what I felt ever again. I’ll do what I can to stop it.”

I started a private non-profit organization to provide free and alternative education to poverty-stricken communities. I want people to be able to have the knowledge that I had and be able to work for what they love. I was lucky to land on a corporate job, but I thought of the people in far-flung areas and they weren’t so privileged like I was.

I wanted to give everyone a fair chance.

Being in the dark place wasn’t so bad, after all.

I kept questioning my purpose, my life… while I was actually being led to something even greater.

I couldn’t see it during it was happening though. I was still blind.

The Rebirth (2015)

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.Cynthia Occelli

Having Avis Julia made me have more sense of urgency. I needed to get my plans going – right away.

It was good pressure, because it made me push for execution more. Although I did have postpartum depression, just as I expected… I was still able to do the things I said I would do, bit by bit and in the right pace. It was a slow headstart, but at least I was progressing.

In August 2014, I finished Tavolozza’s website but the launch was still pending. I was also able to get on with Amplified27 and put up its own landing page. But there was something that couldn’t make me jumpstart it all at once in a grandiose way.

Perhaps I was afraid of the response – if it was too much, or too early but I knew I had to do it anyway.

But the thing is, I was doing what I love and I wasn’t getting tired of it!

Summer of 2015: I was able to travel to 3 different provinces and explore Philippines.

Away from my daughter for a while, I did my online job on the road as a marketing strategist for Nursery Design (a baby furniture company in Melbourne) while on vacation. It’s the best job I’ve ever taken since I’ve quit the cubicle life, and it has allowed me to earn full-time on a flexible schedule.

When I returned from Cebu and Palawan, I thought of putting up another startup – one that caters to an interest-based curated travel for Philippines.

There was something about the things that didn’t work out with me that allowed me to do something in line with my life’s values. The things that I’ve learned, the people that I’ve met, the circumstances that happened… they shaped me.

If there was anything that changed in me, it was the increased burning desire to help other people live their lives in fulfillment. I’ve developed this heightened sense of compassion.

Prior to this I only wanted to better myself – study, graduate, get a job, get a masters or maybe marry.

But that wasn’t what life intended me to do. It was as if it had to usher me in experiencing these so-called status quo so that I may be able to decide what I want to do and who I want to become at an early age.

Deep inside, I wanted to do meaningful work, but it wasn’t revealed to me until my darkest period.

Now I work with passion and I only accepted things that were of good to me. Even if misery presented itself, I would go and try again. Fall once, rise up eight. That’s the spirit I’ve cultivated.

Of course it isn’t as easy as it sounds, but trust me. Once you’ve gotten used to the negativities – the pain, the rejection, the failure – all of it makes you stronger, if not numb. It’s quite like the antibodies that you’ve developed after you’ve gotten sick. The bad turns into something good.

I am now enjoying the kind of life I want for myself, still not there and still not a success but to me I’m proud of coming out of that deep dark hole. Things wouldn’t have turned out the way they were if it weren’t for the stops and cracks.

And all of it leads me to where I am now.

Right on this blog.

To you.

I think you were meant to read this.

As your takeaway, here’s what I’ve learned:

Life’s lessons will present itself in its raw form, but you will be blind until it’s over. The grueling pain that I had to endure emotionally and physically was something I wouldn’t recommend but once this happens to you… do not panic. Call someone you trust, someone who’s known you your whole life – it could be a family member, a friend or your significant other. The important thing is not to carry this burden alone.

If help does not come, make your move. More often than not, the people around you won’t understand what you’re going through. They will be there for you but not with you. In case this happens, will yourself to create your future. Take action. Do not wait until help comes.

Rejection is protection. If you get turned away from something you want so bad, it must not really be for you. Think of it as a redirection from the universe.

The right person will come along and sweep you off your feet, things are great and before you know it you’ve fallen in love. But you cannot discount yourself from your real value… or you’re giving your significant other the power to rule over your life. By constantly seeing that you value yourself, your partner does as well. He/she will respect your worth. Isn’t this pretty much how before you started? You leave good impressions to attract them.

Productivity and travel are the cure to sadness. Knowing you’re doing something worthy of your existence will shun all the doubts and ghosts of your brain. Go out and explore! Nature will heal you, I promise. You’re made to do great things, so claim it and the universe will allow it!

Start a hobby that you think you might like. For me it was cooking that changed me. Every time I put out a lovely dish I made at home, I felt a sense of accomplishment and a well-founded purpose. There’s just a lovely magic in doing something productive so I suggest to pick up a hobby when life feels flat.

It could be just as simple as collecting pictures, or taking photos or as grand as enrolling in a workshop meant to hone your skills.

Not everyone is from the same cookie cutter. Life can be normal for other people, yes they do make the wisest decisions, but I’ve figured a lot of people are so blind to the fact that real drama does happen. When shit hits the fan, they cannot believe it. And thus, it leads me to the next bullet point…

Your lowest moments will reveal who the real people in your life are. Might be a cliche, but this is indeed true. The moment that everything in your life is knee-deep in misery is when you know who has the patience to tolerate you and to be kind to you. Love these people. They are your source of strength.

School does not equal merit. Diplomas are not equal to guaranteed greatness. I’ve learned this the hard way. When I dropped out I thought my life would be put on hold, I came to feel like I was less of myself. But I was wrong. When I had my marketing job, I got to interview people, most of them from prestigious schools who graduated with diplomas and honors but they didn’t have the skills that made them fit for the job. They were “textbook junkies”. And when asked for a practical question they can only mutter “um” or look me in the eye. Don’t be textbook junkie. Your success depends on YOU. You are your greatest life project. Do not let the academic status quo stop you from being awesome.

Learning does not stop in school. With that being said, I got into self-learning and enrolling in online courses. Internet is your friend if you want to learn from the greatest and even the simplest of minds. Don’t stop learning. Knowledge and perseverance will be your greatest assets.

It’s okay to think and feel you may want to die, BUT NEVER DO IT. The idea of suicide is at most, just an extreme frustrating release. You want things to be better but they don’t happen. I saw it as a solution during my worst times, and an escape from this cold-hearted world. I no longer felt like I belonged. To me, I lost my value, my voice, my heart. When I wanted to speak, I would find myself holding back.

“No one could possibly understand from where I’m standing,” yes I hear you. I’ve thought of it too.

But killing yourself is not going to make things better. It just stops your life.

You can make your weakness your power. Think of how many people you could help with your dilemma, when you finally get out of your position.

How fulfilling it would feel?
How many dreams you’ve wanted to pursue?
How people will feel about your death?

They say suicide is a selfish thing, but I think a lot of people who died from suicide, just really thought of what they thought was best for themselves. They weren’t able to get help from anyone. It’s not necessarily selfish as it would be a prejudice, but it seems they wanted to hand themselves a sense of peace.

In my case, I killed myself in my head many times but I never found the courage to leave, simply because my goals and my desire for helping people burned so strong I didn’t want to leave this world. In that way, I somehow recreated myself time and time again, like a phoenix rising from the ashes reincarnating. This is an alternative way instead of taking your life.

During that worst time, I kept thinking about the goals I could do, and people I could help get through the same feeling I did. I kept thinking of people I love who I might leave.

And so, I looked for comfort in those who believed in me.

I did allow myself to feel crappy, but once it was done I rose from the bed, ate my breakfast, made lunch and declared, “The rest of today will be a good day! I will live and do things that make me happy and fulfilled, and I will succeed!”

Depression is a friend who loves you endlessly. It loves you unconditionally, without barriers. And more often, it smothers you… but all it really wants is to allow you to feel so you can rise above the challenges life is throwing you, helping you to go through it instead of around it. This friend wants to make you braver, stronger and so invincible that it leaves you nothing less but your life to fulfill.

Depression is not the one who gave you your problems; it’s just a by-product, an emotion. It is not a situation. You can get out of it.

Once I understood this, I started to have shorter episodes, and more time planning on how I can make my life better. I ask myself after, “what can I do today to get me one step closer of being happy?”.

Depression kept embracing me all these years, but I never hugged it back. I felt like a horrible friend to Depression. It was just helping me become stronger so no one and nothing can break me again. It wants me to get used to Pain, who’s my boundary watch. When I saw things this way and embraced depression back, amazing things began to happen. I began to see through people and feel what they felt.

Problems are phases. People are points. We always have the power to change our situation if we choose to. I never liked hearing this before but this is truth in my experience. Problems are just phases, stopovers. People are points. One does not represent the other.

Learn to separate each unfortunate event as they are. The problem I encountered most was that I didn’t know how to segmentize my suffering. I just thought of it as a whole chaos that was meant to make my life hell.

When I separated each problem and let go of what haunts me, it allowed me to look at my life as a book with chapters instead of just one gunky page written with no stops.

A story can be hard to read that way, right? So is your life.

You need to be able to see that your life has its highlights and its shadows. Too much of each is not ideal, but a good balance makes for a good-looking picture.

Surround yourself with people who share your life goals. When I started having bad things around me, I had people snooping around my life like it was a TV soap. I felt judged and unmotivated. I even sulked in my bed for months.

Then one day I met my lovely Lithuanian bestfriends, Ieva, Siga and Arūnas who changed me in ways I can never explain. Ieva is my sunshine, Siga is my wolf, Arūnas is my recluse.

Ieva cheers me up when I am sad and makes me believe I can do it (even when I think I can’t and life sucks), while Siga is my motivator and talks real shit (still with love) into me when I cannot see things properly. Arūnas, who isn’t often around, pops in from time to time to check on me but when we do, he and I discuss universally-boggling things. It makes me laugh!

And you need the same kind of people: People who value you.

People who make you want to look forward to tomorrow.

These 3 friends I have replaced my old network with who are just friends by the name. I now have Positivity, Reality, and Timing. They are them. They help me understand that not often things go as planned, but they care and they understand me deeply – and still love me despite my many flaws.

Grow a solid professional network. As you build relationships with meaningful people, you need to also have individuals who reflect the kind of goal or the lifestyle that you aspire.

For example, if you want to be a photographer, make friends with photographers and photography enthusiasts.

Are you an aspiring artist? Are the people around you not into your art? Change it! Be friends with fellow beings who share appreciation for your craft. That way it leaves you no gap for demotivation because you are surrounded by your dream.

If you don’t know where to start, you can join our art collective, Amplified27 or subscribe to my private non-profit organization Pass On The Dream. We are a team of motivating and passion-driven people. We work for what we love so if you feel alone and can’t find your crowd, I encourage you to be surrounded by us!

Why is failure important, Iris?

Good question!

The reason why failure is important to success is because during these times you transition to a better you. If I were to give you a marketing reference, life would be called A/B testing in marketing. You test and fail, so you know what works next time. You learn. Whichever works, is your call. You take the lead.

I hope this made sense.

And to you, whoever you are… if you are going through something even remotely similar, you are great. Thank you for living your life. Do not think that you are otherwise. If you still feel like life is difficult, I’m an email away and let me help you get through it.

But for now, I’ll leave you with this quote…

When life gets too overwhelming and things go bad, when your family does not understand why, when your friends are too busy to listen or meet… All you really have is yourself. You cannot depend on anyone else to feel better. It’s an advice I always tell when people ask me how to get better, how to move on or how to be happy. Sometimes you really just have to fake it and make it. We all have these days. But at times these days get worse. We forget there is a world beyond our room, beyond the bed we choose to hide in. It is extremely difficult to motivate myself when it happens, and when I hear discouraging words I start to lose belief in my talents. But today I am proud of myself. Not for doing something great. But just to be able to wake up one more day and get up from the bed and try again. And if you are feeling awful today… Here’s to you. You brave little human being. You’ve lived all these years and fought your way through. And regardless of how many times you got stuck with pain, you cradled it with change and you fight. That’s the spirit! Go and make more moments. I’m proud of you.Iris Buenconsejo

May you always live the life you love.

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Hi there! I'm Iris.

I love ideas and helping people discover their best potential. I think self love rocks.

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About Earth Love Skin

Hello! I'm Iris and welcome to my blog!

Earth Love Skin is a lifestyle blog for the dreamers & the doers – from idea makers, freelancers, creators to entrepreneurs looking for inspiration & support.

I fill it with the good things I've curated to celebrate life, self-love, pursuing your passion and personal development. You can also find my tales of motherhood and some bits and pieces of my unconventional life with my little girl Avis Julia.