Fargo, ND – Area mad scientist Viddio Burstweiler wanted to be the first man to traverse a solar eclipse’s entire path of totality as the moon followed it. He noticed that the moon’s umbral shadow will take a “leisurely” trek across the entire United States, covering 2,496 miles in just 90.7 minutes, whizzing by at an average speed of 1,651 mph. This was an attainable mark for his homemade jetpack.

One major setback, however, was that his jetpack is solar-powered.

Path Of Totality®

“I had all the knobs tweaked and I’s dotted until I realized the moon would be between me and the source of my device’s power.”

The Observer caught wind of Vid’s masterplan weeks ago but, like Vid, failed to realize the fatal flaw in his logic until he canceled an August 18th follow-up interview due to this unforeseen circumstance. That is why we didn’t say anything to him at the time.

Looks like he blew it bigly. The next total eclipse isn’t until 2024 at which point most every human will (unfortunately for Vid) be equipped with a nuclear fusion jetpack and be fully capable of traversing the Path Of Totality quite easily themselves.