How to win an argument with your misogynistic boss

I have an 8AM meeting with my boss today so we can talk about “our goals.” I don’t normally show up until 9AM so the first goal I’m going to mention— and then cross off the list— is being capable of showing up to work at 8AM. I’m hoping he’ll forget and/or be too busy trying to get his latest female conquest out of the house to actually show up to the meeting.

This is how I picture it going:

Boss:“Aussa, I have nine thousand ideas of things you should do to make the business successful and I want you to add them to the other nine thousand things I already told you to do and I need you to do them fast because I haven’t been able to pay myself since I started the business and I’ve decided this is your fault.”

Me:“Roger that. So, should we prioritize what I should focus on first…?”

Boss:“You always do this. No matter what I say you’re going to come back and say it’s what I wanted or what I didn’t want.”

Me:“Wait. Are we talking about the same thing? It’s me, Aussa, your employee. Not the girl who dumped you when you were a freshman in college.”

Boss:“I know how women work. You’re all like this and you don’t even know. I’m very good at reading people, you would think it was funny if you could see how similar you all are.”

Me:*decides to just look at iPhone so he will stop talking*

When I accepted this position I was almost positive my future boss was gay. Maybe I was buying into stereotypes but I’d never met a straight man with such fancy sunglasses and I could’ve sworn he mentioned an ex with a masculine name. Either way, I was super relieved by the idea of working for someone who probably wouldn’t fantasize about me showing him my lady bits (like at my last job).

My relief didn’t last long. We negotiated the salary and met at a restaurant so he could give me an official offer letter. I signed it and shook his hand. It all seemed very professional and official after my last train wreck of a job. Then he immediately started telling me about his dating life.

“So I was texting this girl last night and then she stopped responding at 8PM so I’m pretty sure she went and slept with some other dude. Isn’t that disgusting? Who does that?”

Wait. Did he just say girl? All my hopes and dreams were ruined.

I responded by folding a slice of pizza in half and shoving it into my mouth. He took this as an invitation to keep talking.

“Watch how the waitress doesn’t even look up when the door opens. But all the men in here pay attention. It’s so funny to me how oblivious women can be. I guess it’s all evolutionary though— men are the ones who had to protect everyone. Women just needed to be a pretty thing to take back to your cave.”

I looked down at the offer letter, trying to decide if that number— larger than anything I’ve ever been paid— was worth having to listen to this kind of stuff. We’d just moved to Denver and I was really eager to get a job to support my Cheezit habit.

For the last six months (of him not being able to give himself a paycheque) we’ve had long debates over all sorts of gender-based questions. I used to get drawn in to the point that I’d drive home in a rage, fuming over the way he would tilt his head in an “aren’t you cute” way when I’d get frustrated by his comments. I’d spend my entire evening recounting everything to Alex, getting so frustrated I’d start to cry.

I always thought it would be satisfying to be able to tell a boss “you’re such an asshole” or “seriously you’re being a dick right now” to his face but it doesn’t feel as good as you might think. Now I’m completely disengaged. It’s obvious he isn’t looking to gain a new perspective so I’m going to keep letting him put money in my bank account every two weeks while I make non-committal noises in response to his constant goading. Every day is a new topic:

Who’s To Blame For Divorce:

My Boss:“Look, all I know is all my guy friends make $600k and their wives are secretaries that only make $30k while spending $40k a year on nannies. So these women are actually costing their husbands a lot of money. They shouldn’t be complaining about anything.”

Me:*looks at iPhone so he will stop talking*

How To Choose a Mate:

My Boss:“Well it’s a lot harder for us guys. Women just want to be provided for. I’ve read a lot of books about it. Women need security. But for us, we need someone who is fun to be around but then she has to be attractive or else we can’t help it if our eyes wander. Sometimes a girl is really cool but you just know that you’re going to end up sleeping with someone who’s better looking. But it’s in our biology.”

Me:*looks at iPhone so he will stop talking*

My Boss:“I know you don’t like to hear this, but I’m just being rational. You women always take things personally because you’re emotional, but I’ve read a lot of books about this topic.”

I can’t wait to find out what this 8AM meeting “about goals” will really cover. My #1 Goal is to make it through without punching him in the face.

Have you ever encountered someone with a chauvinist attitude? How would you respond to comments like this?

Like this:

Comments

Yes…Yes I have worked with misogynistic twat monsters before. Fuck them. My last job was FILLED with them. The VP of my department would often greet me with “Hello there, pretty little lady” Are you fucking kidding me. And he also would say…It’s just like a woman to fuck this up…I hated him.

Yes. At one now defunct tech firm I worked at, the women could not all go to lunch at the same time because the GM felt it was better if “a lady asters the ohone” even if that lady was a $100,000+ sales rep. Male reps were not required to answer the phone.
Then there was the guy who threw files at me, because he thought I started an unsavory rumor about him f’ING a client. I hadn’t known about the rumor until the files became airborne.

When I was a bartender, slammed with orders in the super busy service well, frequently a male guest (not in my section, since I was working service) would look over, start waving at me frantically (thus breaking my concentration) and inform me that I wasn’t smiling and I’d probably be pretty if I smiled.

Wow, you sure you didn’t step back in time?? I mean, I worked for asshats like that back in the 80’s and earlier (remember, I’m old). Men had that attitude and voiced it. I don’t know how many times I wanted to just slap them. I think he needs some new books. What’s he reading, really? Nada, it’s all from his pea brain.

Wait… you didn’t tell us how to actually win the argument. Am I to believe that in most cases, especially when it’s a male figure in a position of power who can make or break you at this job, we just don’t win?

I deal with this every day, with my boss, with male co-workers, with male customers. One of these days I’m just going to snap and everyone will say, “whatever happened to that Stephanie girl? She was so good at her job and one day she just started throwing staplers and scissors at everyone”.

I worked for a guy–he was the manager of the department that i worked in– and the second year that I was there, our children (5 and 7) came down with chickenpox (before the vaccination was available, they were vaccinated for everything else) and since my wife and I both worked, we took turns staying home with them (by the time the first got over it, the other came down) because we had jobs that the whole department(separate companies) would suffer with our absence-so after i told him the reason for my sick leave he told me it was my wife’s job to take care of the children.
i stared at the asshole for a minute, said “OH?” and just put down that i was sick or had doctors appointments anytime after that, for the next 23 years. i made sure that i never had more than 40 hours of sick leave banked since unused sick leave was converted at 4 to 1 when cashed out.
Since this was WAY before portable telephones, i just looked over his shoulder when he talked to me.

Why apologize? In my experience — admittedly limited — I’ve found that guys who are douchebags to women usually are douchebags to other guys. Except when the other guy is higher up in the butt-sniffing order, in which case they’re a bad imitation of a kiss-ass yesman.

“I know you don’t like to hear this…” Your response: then why are you still telling me this??? I’d love to be a fly on the wall and translate everything he says into what’s really going on inside of him, so you could sit back, stay completely detached and laugh your butt off. For example, when he points out that women need security, what he’s really feeling is, “Fuck! I’m so damned insecure it’s eating me alive!” (If he didn’t feel it inside, it wouldn’t be a trigger for him).

Remember that the crap he sees in the world is exactly the crap he feels about himself inside. If your boss were at peace with himself and didn’t have any triggering issues deep inside, things wouldn’t bother him.

So, as much as you possibly can, understand that he is an insecure 12 year old boy masquerading as a boss. He doesn’t have a healthy relationship with money, women, or himself. You can create a game of noticing what sets him off. So, when he goes off about women needing this or that, or being this or that, you can tell yourself that he’s a whiny bitch with a boatload of issues.

Quite honestly, I’d put the kibosh on his talking about this sort of crap by asking him, “and what does this have to do with my job right now?” Steer him back into “professional job talk” because he has no professional boundaries. You’ll have to create them for both of you. I used to joke, but not joke with my mother when she’s start using me as her shrink. After she’d go on and on about something, I’d tell her, “That will be $75 please.”

Start looking for that next job.

I had a boss years ago that was not only chauvinistic, but racist and just plain a self-serving ass who often referred to his own son as a prick. I put up with his crap because 1) I was young and hadn’t grown any balls yet, 2) I didn’t have to work directly with him, as I was a captain on one of his boats and 3) I knew that the job was seasonal and I’d be moving on after a few years (and I did). He’s dead now.

Oh God, that’s so terrible. I have no idea how you handle it! I basically lost my shit when someone asked me to take notes at a meeting the other week (because I was the only woman in the room, obvs). While that was shitty, it also *could* have been a misunderstanding (though I doubt it). This is just blatant ridiculousness.

What Tina said. Your boss must know way different women than I do. I mean never mind the ones who ride Harleys, what about the black belts? The snipers? I was going to mention the drug dealing psychopaths with more money than your boss, but lets just leave them out of this for now. There are THREE AND 1/2 BILLION of them, and he knows how they all “are”? I guess, by the numbers, you find what you look for, so considering that there are all those billions of women, your boss can find some to reinforce his stereotypes. The particular stereotypes he is looking to reinforce do not reflect well on him, but you know that already. Sometimes (actually a lot lately) I feel like screaming “GROW UP!” at people, but I know it would just make things worse…

Yes, thank you, Doug. I don’t know you, but I agree. What about Hillary Clinton. Does he know her and just what she does? Elizabeth Warren? Jane Fonda? Pink? Beyonce? My stepmother? I can tell you right now, he does not know my stepmother. LOL And he’s too young to have known Margaret Thatcher.

I think you’re right to worry about him crossing lines, Aussa. The handwriting is on the wall. Get that resume out there, girl. He is no Prince and wouldn’t even recognize him.

I know you must like your Cheezits (they are lovely crackers to be sure) but honestly I would recommend quitting. Find a different job because I don’t think anyone should have to suffer like you’re doing right now, the money isn’t worth it and you definitely deserve better than having a troll for a boss.

Step 1: Buy spray bottle, or keep a rolled-up newspaper handy.
Step 2: Boss gets a spray/newspaper to the face every time he uses the phrase “you women”.

Any objections to this treatment incur additional sprays/newspaperings as required until either the message sinks in or employee is let go; the latter admittedly being the likelier of the two options but arguably still totally worth it.

Watch the movie “9 to 5”, with Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda, and Lily Tomlin. Over and over again. It’s cathartic.

And, for a bonus, you can bask in the glory of shoulder pads and the floppy scarf/ties that were the ’80’s version of power suits. Had to feel like a linebacker just to walk into the testosterone fest, yet feel feminine with the scarf thing to feel, well, part of the group? Actually, I don’t know what that one was about. I’m just glad it went away, along with bad, short, tight curled perms, where everyone had a pick in their house. And no product for frizz-control.

My boss is such a moron, it upsets him if my new, gay co-worker laughs or talks at work, he runs out, foaming at the mouth over some invoice he can’t find the Hummus on. He is so parked in the 70’s. He is pathetic, and married to human piece of heavy earth moving equipment, personality wise. I loath the poxy old fuck.

Holy wow! Little did you that this dude would be providing you with so much writing material. I work with one jerk when I’m in TN. I’ve learned to never reveal which hotel I’m in.
*totally stealing your iPhone technique!!

I hate that you go through hell for us to have a little fun…
That being said, after ‘Duh, Mike,’ I didn’t think a ‘real’
(vs. virtual… there was no other way to type it… I KNOW he’s just a dumb little XY chromosomal default setting asshole, but…)
man would be stupid nor blind enough not to notice your uncontrollable visceral reactions…
Does he not notice the puffs of smoke escaping just above your eyebrows?
How can he not detect the odor of female attack mode sweat glands opening up and drenching your shirt, starting underneath your boobs??
How does he not FEEL the cold silence of your body stiffening as you stop every word and thought from becoming an action?
Idiot doesn’t need to be breeding, that’s for sure.
That part is totally out of your hands.
or is it…
😉

Oh have I ever! I have ‘worked’ for them all. One that took the guys story as the truth EVERY EFFING TIME. One that made me be the office help when everyone else was out ( I was and am a technician ).
One that could never look me in the eye. One that gave me the full body scan ( toes to scalp look over ) every time I interacted with him. One that made me literally break out in a stress induced rash. One that seemed to think that I needed a father (*I already have one ). One that actually called me a ‘stupid bitch’ to my face. Yeah, I could go on, but it’s depressing me. Run for the hills girl. Life is too short.

OMFG I don’t think I could handle it. My pregnancy hormones would have resulted in a stabbing.

I was recently asked by a (male) family friend of my in-laws whether my husband has the kind of job to “keep you in the lifestyle you’ve grown accustomed to”. I said I didn’t understand the question. He said he would repeat it slowly, which he literally did. I then said, “I think you’ve misunderstood. I have the kind of job that keeps him in the lifestyle he’s grown accustomed to.” I make almost three times as much money as Mr O and pay all our rent and bills, while he contributes to our “saving for a house fund”. Dissatisfied with that said gentleman asked me if I was planning to take any maternity leave. I said I would be having nine months off. He said, “I can’t believe your company is going to pay you to sit around doing nothing for 9 months. If I was in charge of hiring I definitely wouldn’t hire any women.” I then patiently explained that my job is so complicated that it would take a lot longer than 9 months to train someone to do it and that it was cheaper for them to pay me in the hope I would return to work. Fortunately he passed out drunk not long after that and I didn’t have to punch him in the face or mention that his kids are basically on welfare, which I am paying for.

Earlier this week I was communicating with our (male) German Director of Traffic and the (female) European CEO of one of the businesses in the group of companies our parent company owns. I am just mentioning again that she is the CEO of the company. And that I am the international subject matter expert on the topic we were discussing. His response to us both giving our opinions was “thanks, girls.” Girls.

I think he is underestimating everyone he has every worked with or communicated with, including his mother, when he says that you taking maternity leave is “useless.” Also, if he didn’t hire any women I think he would be doing the women a favour. After all he needs an incompetent, pathetic, lacking any spine boss. I mean it is obvious these sort of men suffer from insecurities. I see in consumer porn men think that “humiliating” women by belittling their worth, sexual harassing them or raping them is the cure for their insecurities. Society and maybe their own lack of self makes them think that women are the reasons for their problems. Truth is they are their own problems. Hurting or dehumanising other people won’t solve anything. The more tyrannically disgusting you become towards others especially of your opposite sex the more downwards in your spiral of self destruction you are going towards.

But I must admit I am a little twisted, and take sick pleasure in “fulfilling their expectations”. I go to work everyday, on time, and get my work done. Period. I feel that this entitles me to certain privileges regarding the extra crap heaped on the only female employee who also happens to be the only clerical employee in the north office.

My rule is – I am exactly the employee you expect me to be.

The condescending jackass who has to repeat everything slowly like I couldn’t possibly understand? It only took three months before he realized that every time he gave me an assignment, I was going to be up his ass every single step of the way with questions and concerns because I’m just a poor, simple, little girl and couldn’t possibly understand. He seems to have reached the conclusion that it’s faster and easier to do these tasks himself, rather than spoon-feeding me through the whole process, I can’t understand why? Hint: To speed his comprehension along, ambush the target at the most “opportune” times; i.e. on his way to the washroom, at 5 minutes from the end of the day, or whenever he’s trying to sneak out of work early.

About half the people I work with think I’m a genius, and half think I’m an absolute moron, and all of them stay out of my way and let me do my job.

O M G. I love a good debate (I’m Italian so I can stand toe-toe with the best of them) and would probably start with showing him up. But, it appears this guy is too dense to process any information that actually makes sense. I think from this point I’d just be sarcastic and say things like, “Boy, you’re really smart. You really did yourself some learnin’ from those books. Good thing you read so much, because you’ll have your books to keep you company while you spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ALONE.” Urgh. Or maybe, “I don’t know if I would consider Penthouse Forum a book.”

So I have a boss who complains all about his ex-girlfriends and how they screwed him over. Yet if I do anything like that just to get him off the subject of him with my ex boyfriends, he gets angry. He tells me that I need to learn the women just use men for financial gain and child support.

I am shocked and a bit speechless. This is the sort of behaviour that ruins the world. Has he forgotten that many of the so-called “groundbreaking” scientists are men and those are advertised? And they pretty much fucked up the ecology of the world. However, many female scientists are not credited or erased from history especially if they are women of colour (not to mention men of colour are not given credit too). Has he forgotten his mother gave birth to him? Fed him his milk? If she breastfeeded she also gave him well the foundations of his immune system from what I know as the body gives. I am just not understanding why men are not satisfied with women. I mean there was a time when women were all so-called “housewives” and even then men were dissatisfied with them. Not to mention in old societies division of labour was not strictly division of gender/sex. What the hell is wrong with these kinds of men and even women is beyond the level of decency.