The chaplain knocks, and grief answers

Even when it's not on your door, pain bonds families

Published 10:00 pm, Tuesday, May 24, 2005

It is the terrible mix of relief and guilt that bonds military families at times like these.

Relief that the Army chaplain did not show up at their house, and guilt that in passing them by, the chaplain knocked on someone else's door.

At 26 and with two kids at home and a husband serving with Fort Lewis' Stryker Brigade, Jessica McCarthy felt it again this week when word spread over the weekend that three Stryker soldiers were killed in Iraq.

"If it's not your husband, it's somebody else's dad, husband or son," said McCarthy, who left Fort Lewis after her husband was deployed to Iraq. She lives with in-laws in Florida. "I can visualize it. I'm sure when the chaplain shows up at the house to tell you the bad news, they don't have to say anything. You already know," she said. "That's why we as families support each other so much. We all feel it."

The wait has been unbearable this time in part because of a blackout imposed by the Army. To control information before official notification has been made, the Army shut down e-mails from soldiers in Mosul to families at home.

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Yet everyone soon knew -- the wife of one of the casualties, Spc. Tyler Creamean, shared her grief with her Stryker family on the Stryker Brigade news site.

McCarthy is among the many moms, dads, husbands, wives, kids and siblings of soldiers who write in to the site to reassure and support each other.

She already has experienced that heartsick feeling. In late April, her 30-year-old husband, Staff Sgt. Chris McCarthy, was wounded by a suicide bomber while riding in a Stryker light-armor vehicle in a convoy. The two developed greater fondness for the Stryker's protective qualities. Chris McCarthy suffered injuries that didn't threaten his life. No one else was injured.

Stress is constant companion with which she must cope. After her husband left for Iraq in October, worries over his deployment caused her hair to fall out.

McCarthy admits she once never paid attention to news of any sort. Now she and her mother-in-law have it under a microscope.

"You can always find me, wife of Staff Sgt. Christopher McCarthy, in front of the television watching Fox News or CNN," she said. "As soon as there's word of a soldier that was killed or injured in northern Iraq my heart starts beating a mile a minute just hoping my soldier contacts me."

If a day or two go by with no word, "I start to worry. It's just a feeling where you start thinking the worst. I ask myself, 'Oh my gosh, what would I tell my children? What would I do with my life without my soldier by my side?' "

She answers every phone call, nerves on edge, praying. "I keep looking outside my window, just looking for a vehicle I've never seen before in front of my house, hoping I don't see one with military-dressed gentlemen."