How to Act After a Break-Up: 5 Things to Remember

What we never believe at the end of a meaningful relationship--however long its duration--is that we can change the habits we've developed surrounding our love, desire, or simple focus on other person. We can get over heartbreak, however, and it is precisely those old habits from our previous failed relationship we have to discipline ourselves to break.

1. Put the photographs away. Delete (yes, permanently) the loving messages. No Facebook stalking of the love object or his/her new love object. Put your phone and computer on some kind of psychological breath-alizer: no typing or calls after 10 pm or on weekends to anybody, if necessary.

2. Get out of the habit of speaking about the person--no mention of The Name or references to the last movie you saw together, the songwriter you both loved, or how much you miss the way he manipulated the bar staff into always giving you extra booze in your drinks (which secretly you hated).

3. Give yourself a time limit to mourn. We permit ourselves to become what I call "emotional incontinent" after a break-up: by that I mean we think we've earned the right to break or ignore the boundaries of ordinary behavior because we're in pain. That's the first idea we need to dump after we've been dumped: no, sorry, you are NOT allowed to cry, snap, moan, miss work, get drunk every night (or afternoon or early brunch). Not for more than two weeks, anyhow.

4. Getting over a break-up is like recovering from a broken limb: for a while, everybody feels sorry for you and opens the door; after a certain point, you need to build up your own strength, otherwise you'll always carry the weakness with you. You're better than that. Get out of your house and give yourself space: find new activities and meet new people. Sure, you might not like them and you might not like the new thing you're trying for the first time (climbing wall, anyone?) But climbing the walls literally--the ones in a gym or an activity center--is better than climbing the metaphorical ones in your mind.

5. Avoid acting on the worst idea ever: "I'll take my mind off my last failed relationship by finding my next failed relationship immediately!" Does that even sound like a good way to help yourself get over a bruise--start a new, full-body contact sport as soon as you can catch your breath and crack a bitter smile? Sometimes getting in touch with your feelings when your feelings are boiling hot and steaming over is like getting in touch with a hot stove-top and a cauldron of bitter herbs: perhaps it is best to let things cool down.

You can survive the worst of love's lacerations, but only if you stop playing with heartache's open wounds and peeling your emotional blisters.

And here's the really interesting part: organizing your time so that you are NOT thinking only about romance and happiness creates the groundwork for the possibility you migh achieve both. And isn't that you want and deserve?

This list is fine if you are breaking up with a reasonably normal, healthy person. For those trying to get a narcissist, an alcoholic, an abuser or other less-than-healthy person out of one's head, a lot more info is needed.

There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of being pursued and idealized relentlessly, only to be thrown out like a bag of trash, as the narcissist loves to do. The best consolation I can provide is that, in the three books and numerous articles I've read on narcissism, the consensus of every expert and survivor is always that one is way better off without these vampires in our lives. When they and their toxic energy are out of our systems, it opens the door to so many beautiful people.

From personal experience, I think this is column gives some poor advice. I followed #1 for a month and a half after my break-up, completely cutting off contact with my ex, and found that I was absolutely miserable. I would think of him constantly, but they were always the same, repetitive thoughts over and over again - it was mental torture. I still had many questions about why the break-up had happened, but was so convinced that cutting off all contact with the person was the right way to go that I didn't think of talking to him. Finally one day I sent him a long email (after 10pm!) where I logically tried to explain the break-up from my perspective - why it was necessary, and my interpretation of the events leading up to it. To my surprise, he replied with an even longer email, and we had a mature discussion about why this was the right decision. That made me feel far better than the preceding months of silence. Sometimes clear and mature communication with your ex can give you closure and actually be beneficial, thus refuting Dr. Barreca's first piece of advice.

3. I don't think you should give yourself a time limit to mourn. Every person is different and every relationship is different. It is perfectly reasonable to need more than two weeks to mourn a meaningful relationship that ended - you should mourn for however long you need to heal, which is different for everyone. It took me over a month before I started feeling closer to my 'normal', more cheerful self after my breakup.

I do agree that it is a good idea to make new friends and start new activities to fill the space left behind by the missing person in your life. I started learning a new language and training for a marathon after my break-up; activities that forced me to get out of the house and gave me less time to sit around and mope. It has been two months now, and though I still feel sad quite often, I am tangibly better and have hope for the future. To anyone who came to this column for advice on their break-ups, good luck.

Thanks for that article. Although I did not break up with my husband it was my sister and I who had a falling out for the second time and I am going through the same grief thing as I did back in 2006. But on the upside I am now doing something for myself instead of sitting around thinking about the good times we had. I am starting to walk again every day and have made two phone calls for volunteering in my local area. I totally agree with the Facebook "unfriend" policy. I also sent her a long email as to my reasons for ending the relationship only to be met by a barrage of sarcasm. Some relationships are just not meant to be. Time to move on.

This list seems less about "how to act...[to] get over heartbreak" and more "how to act..." so as to keep composure and not make others uncomfortable. Now, no doubt that has recovery benefits, as alienating your support base isn't in your own self-interest, but I think more focus needs to be on moderation and self-compassion. For instance, I agree with the analogy to friends getting the door for you after an injury. I just think the other points need more of that "soft guideline" inclination.

Not allowed to cry past two weeks? What kind of garbage is that? If it's genuine, and not contrived, then maybe at week three you still feel hurt. How is bottling that going to help? Now, by week 3 you should probably be able to pull yourself together long enough to go about your day, but if you occasionally need to go still yourself, you shouldn't be shamed into thinking, "whoa, this is too long, I'm not supposed to do this anymore."

If it's genuine, any true friend ought to understand you can't just dust off and move on. She or he shouldn't want you to just don your stoic-and-numb hat just so everyone can pat themselves on the back for their cool rationality.