Mina's Pages

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Can You Hook a Teen Blogfest

Okay, so
I’m participating in Brenda Drake’s Can You Hook a Teen Blogfest. The premise is to enter your
first 250 words of your YA or MG manuscript entries on your blogs first and
then get it polished before submitted the final entry on 9/23, eod. Want to know more? Visit her blog!

Also, the winner gets a $50 editing gift certificate (and two runner's up get $25 each) forTeen Eyes Editorial Services. Well, I’m not entirely sure about this but…here it
goes.

Title: Blessed One

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Heatblazedacrossmyface,burningmyskin,andIgrimaced,thinkingIforgottoputon50spf.Great,justwhatIneeded,morefreckles.Withmyeyesclosed,asearingpainricochetedthroughmyskull and I moaned. Voicesrosearoundme,butthewordsweremuffled.Whileconcentratingonthethrobbingpainandscorchingheat,thevoicesslowed,becomingmoredistinct.Astheheatdissipated,Isensedshadowsloomingabovefollowedbyacrawlingsensationthatoverpoweredmypainanddiscomfort. That’swhenIheardaguy’ssultryvoicemurmur.

4 comments:

The whole thing flowed really well with a few exceptions. The SPF part threw me for a loop. Would she be so lucid if she was in pain? I feel like her thoughts are very clear for someone who's supposed to have searing pain in their head.

The creepy guy makes the hair on my arms stand on end! You used some good novel juju there because I really don't want to think about his grimy hands. Lol

Love this creepy guy, my hair stood prickly up reading him! And this gets you at the end with "drained?" nice end there.

Great shot at building tension, I think it could be more tense with shorter sentences to make the pace go quicker. Something Like: The heat dissipated. Shadows loomed above. A crawling sensation overpowered my pain and discomfort.ORA gritty hand brushed past my right knee. It stopped mid-thigh. That wasn't an accident.

This line threw me off as a bit too light for this dark scene, would she really be thinking that just now? Perhaps add into another scene elsewhere because I like the reference to it with the SPF line."Great, just what I needed, more freckles"

Heat blazed across my face, burning my skin, and I grimaced, thinking I forgot to put on 50 spf. ((((Huh. The filter phrase - thinking - throws me. In fact, I'd suggest just cutting the entire clause ("and ... 50 spf") because I love the next line so much.)))) Great, just what I needed, more freckles. With my eyes closed, a searing pain ricocheted through my skull ((((the grammar here is off. It implies that the searing pain has her eyes closed.)))) and I moaned. Voices rose around me, but the words were muffled. While concentrating on the throbbing pain and scorching heat, the voices slowed, ((((same grammar error as before - this implies that the voices were concentrating on the throbbing pain and scorching heat. Easy clean-up, and you lose a couple of -ing verbs, which is always nice: "While I concentrated on the throbbing pain and the scorching heat, the voices became...")))) becoming more distinct. As the heat dissipated, ((((Gives me pause because the previous sentence also starts with a 'during' clause. (while i... as i...) Might be nice to just start with 'the heat dissipated, and'.)))) I sensed shadows looming above followed by a crawling sensation that overpowered my pain and discomfort. That’s when I heard a guy’s sultry voice murmur.

“Don’t touch her,” he said, almost growling.

Another voice from my other side grunted, “That one moved, she did.”

“Not possible,” the guy with the sultry voice replied.

“I’m tell’n yous, she moved,” the other guy argued.

While the pain pounded relentlessly, I winced inside, hoping they’d stop bickering and give my brain a reprieve. A gritty hand brushed past my right knee, stopping at mid-thigh. That wasn't an accident. Eew! I’d hurl if whoever – or whatever that was – didn’t remove his grimy paws off me! ((((Exclamation points in narrative are a turn-off, though that could be personal preference.))))

The sultry voice snarled, “I said…don’t touch her.”

“Alrigh, Alrigh… Don’t get you’s panties ’n a wad. I’m only test’n ’er.” Guy number two was definitely a freak, and that accent made it worse. I thankfully had my eyes shut.

“That’s not possible ((((you need a semicolon or a period after 'possible'.)))) I drained her far too much,” Mr. Sultry said.

I could tell by his voice, he had to be the leader, no doubt ((((I'd cut 'no doubt' - you don't need it)))).

Wait…did he just say drained?

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Cool set-up. I'm a nitpicker for grammar, but you did a nice job portraying the emotions of the scene. Good luck!