Like this:

Brian, not his real name, has spoken to this Blog on the basis that we do not reveal his true identity. Brian is very, very depressed and is all alone in the Social Media world with no-one to Tweet, Facebook, Instagram, Snap Chat or even ring to talk though his issues with.

Brian is really quite upset as you can see

Brian has a well-paid job, a happy marriage and two healthy, well brought up and obedient children and he also gets on extremely well with his Mother-in-Law.

And that’s where his Xmas problems started. Brian and his family are looking forward to the festive season, as they do every year, where they will, as usual, have a fun filled, family centric time together, eating well but healthily with a few drinks but well within the acceptable number of units as recommended by the Health watchdog. They will then watch the Queen’s speech before washing up together whilst singing carols.

Brian is therefore unable to join in the run up to Xmas Faceblog Twatter ‘conversation’ and ‘engage’ with everyone from Agony Aunts to concerned Mum’s Media who have helpfully provided lists of ‘How to Have a Happy Xmas’ do’s and don’ts. With no crises to communicate, he has been boycotted and ostracised although he admits that in 2011 he did tweet about how it was all going really very well at his place and he was immediately trolled and had to go into Social Media hiding for months.

His almost complete exclusion now from being an active participant in cyber space has been further driven by admissions that he bought a 50 inch TV the week after black Friday for slightly less than half that price, all his items purchased on Manic Monday were in stock and were delivered 24hrs later and that his Xmas food order has now arrived complete with nothing missing or damaged.

So on top being thrown out of the Twitter sphere, the serious and significant financial implications of being unable to complain about anything means that he will not be receiving any complimentary vouchers, money off coupons or a chance to enjoy 15 minutes of fame complaining on a consumer show. And now even his work colleagues, who having heard he is going to be promoted again, are shunning him at the Xmas Office drinks.

So while at this time of year we often turn our thoughts to those less fortunate than ourselves please also spare a moment to think about those who are more fortunate and are often forgotten. You can help by making a donation to the ‘What Crisis at Christmas Fund’ where next year:

£5 will allow us to re-route his wife’s present so it arrives late and broken on the 27th December

£10 will mean that Brian receives the Very Vegan hamper for Xmas rather than the Turkey and trimmings one

Like this:

The Ministry of Defence has unveiled the new look British Army which will protect the UK’s borders and interests from 2015. General Sir Arnold Mainwaring-Pike, Head of the Army, admitted that the recent cuts meant some ‘blue sky thinking’ and ‘strategic paradigms were needed going forward”.

The radical new policy means that rather than recruiting the unemployed with violent tendencies from the streets of our northern most cities, Britain will now outsource Army recruitment to China where soldiers will be manufactured to order.

Soldiers R Us Catalogue

“Clearly being able to order exactly the right number of soldiers who are fully trained as bazooka chaps or machine gunners from the start, clearly saves on recruitment and training costs” said Mainwaring–Pike. “And because they come in green, we save on uniform costs as well.”

The first batch of the new soldiers arrived in the U.K. earlier this year and were put through their paces at the Army’s main training base at Dontlikeit Uppham where according to Sergeant Major ‘Taffy’ McBarstard they were an immediate improvement to his normal raw recruits.

UK’s new Army revealed

“Once we got them all standing up on the parade ground they remained perfectly in line for hours. Never flinched. Bugger all use at marching but that will come.” McBarstard was equally impressed with their resilience. “It was when we got the bunch of lily-livered mummy’s boys onto the battlefield training area that we were really surprised. Every time you shot at one of them you could just pop them back up on their feet and they were ready to go again. Any casualties and dab of glue worked wonders.”

The British Army has ordered 498 boxes of these troops and will be collecting balls of string and recycled carrier bags to use for the formation of a new airborne division.

Sometimes those who lie in the Vanguard of Mediocrity, Middling Leaders who we look up to, let us down and disappoint us. At times like these we should pause, take stock and look at the lessons learned.

As we all know aiming for Mediocrity should mean never failing but from time to time even the most Mediocre amongst us do something, they think for all the right reasons, but get it so badly wrong.

In a vote on Tues 16th December, the Equal Pay (Transparency) Bill was overwhelmingly backed by MPs. The bill called for employers with more than 250 staff to be made to publish information showing the difference between male and female pay and it passed by 258 votes to eight, majority 250.

Seven Tory MPs voted against it, one bottled even that and abstained.

Here is why voting against the bill was an epic fail, even if you are a genuinely misogynistic, patronising, publicity seeker.

1] The next election, in around 6 months time is going to be a closely run affair. Your boss, David has said that every seat counts, every vote counts. You have just pissed off 50% of the electorate and your leader.

2] You probably hoped that you were appearing to be principled and that there was a ‘good’ reason for your opposition to the bill. Lets make a wild assumption here that you chaps don’t think women should be barefoot, pregnant, slaving over a hot stove etc. Don’t forget, you are politicians and most voters believe that to get where you have today meant you dropped your moral compass in the recycling bin a long time ago. So no one will believe your ‘principled’ argument

3] Your Party Whips are nervous about anything that casts their party in a bad light. It’s not going well in Tory Land at the moment. Your promotion prospects have just disappeared, for ever. Demotion is also a distinct possibility

4] Recently the loony fringes of your party have hotfooted it over to UKIP. Based on this behaviour your colleagues will have you penciled in for the next tranche to go over the top into political obscurity. Prepare to be shunned at the bar

5] Those of you with wives and partners have just foregone your ‘Hanky Panky’ ration for 2015 and possibly beyond. Worse you may just find you will find that the domestic chores become more equally divided, so there goes the golf handicap

So what Mediocre lessons have we learnt? If you want to be controversial remember:

1] If you stick your head over the parapet of radical thought you will likely get your head blown off. Skulk in the trench of public opinion and survive

2] Principles are for those with nothing to lose. Conformity begets consent

3] Check with grown up first and make them sign a slip before doing anything silly, you can then blame them

2014 has been another successful year for we the management elite. One is reminded of that dear old Greek chap Aristotle who so accurately opined

For that some should rule and others be ruled is a thing not only necessary, but expedient; from the hour of their birth, some are marked out for subjection, others for rule.

(Aristotle made his fortune from the invention of the Kebab and never looked back)

According to the High Pay Centre[1] In 2014, we have done rather better financially than expected and one might reasonably ask: ‘What Recession?’

Our executive pay has grown from 60 times that of the average worker to almost 180 times since the 1990s said their report.

The FTSE 100 Chief Executives are paid an average £4.3 million[2], equivalent to hourly pay of well over £1,000. Executive pay has increased by 74% over the past decade, while wages for ordinary workers have remained flat.

Top bosses now take home more in two and a half days than the average worker earns in a year so we are well on our way to our target of; 1 day’s work for us equals 1 year’s work for the Great Unwashed, which feels about right.

Of course we have to thank a few others for helping us rise to these glorious heights where we rightfully belong. Our Conservative Party colleagues, for helping us drive the little people’s wages down enabling our profits to rise and triggering our performance related bonuses. The Socialist lot for electing Ed as their top man, who is as effective as a non-exec in a remuneration committee and of course, UKIP who have managed to convince everyone that it’s immigration that’s at fault and why the country is in such a state rather that the mis-management of the banking, financial and other key industries by us the Fat Cats[3].

To be clear we don’t want Farage’s lot in power or else we are going to have to pay a living wage to some UK born and bred chap who actually has some rights.

So in this season of goodwill to all, let us put apart our differences and remember those less fortunate and poorer than us by raising a toast to all skint people everywhere who support us by their toil and strife and especially those who aspire to be like us and don’t rock the boat.

A Happy Xmas to You All

Dick

Notes:

1: A bunch of socialist malcontents mostly on the average wage

2: For the benefit of HMRC we actually earn £43,000 in the UK the rest is earned in

Lichtenstein

3. Fat Cats are very popular on YouTube as although they are a teensie bit selfish

underneath they are lovely and huggable, just like us really.

Note: Please follow this blog and/or comment and great luck and good things will allegedly come to you

Here at ‘How To Be Rich and Successful’, which is now South Krukiztan’s 13th favourite Blog, we often acknowledge those whose leadership skills and management ability become a shining beacon for all of us who aspire to be the ‘C’ level execs that ordinary people talk about in wonder at Sales Conferences the world over.

To recap the story: The head of Korean Air’s in-flight service has stepped down after a dispute with a crew member over the way she was served nuts. Travelling as a passenger, Korean Airlines VP Heather Cho reportedly delayed a flight to expel a crew member over the way she was served nuts. Ms. Cho was seated in first class when she took issue with a flight attendant who handed her macadamia nuts in a bag, not on a dish. Ms Cho is actually the eldest of the airline’s Chairman Cho Yang-ho’s three children, who are all executives with the airline so in reality is really a VIP VP

Of course the world’s press are up in arms about this, portraying her as ‘arrogant’, ‘only got the job because of nepotism’ and ‘out of touch with reality’ as though these attributes were a bad thing rather than key requirements of a successful Senior Manager.

The so called journalists who write this rubbish probably have never flown first class and if they had they would realise how important this issue was. It’s all very well chucking packets of nuts and spraying beer over the people at the back of the plane but there are standards to be met when you turn left at the door. Ms Cho was absolutely ‘On Brand’ as marketing people are inclined to say. No idea what that means but most of them know their Chablis from their Chardonnay and also fly in the pointy end so lets not quibble with the concept here.

I, of course, fly first class everywhere and many times a year and I for one will not fly with Korean Airlines ever again. In fact I won’t fly with Cathay Pacific (napkin folded incorrectly), Delta (wine glass with a smudge on the base), Emirates (knife blade pointing inwards to plate) and the list goes on. I don’t spend £1000’s for this kind of appalling service (actually I don’t, the company does, but the point is still valid) without expecting to be treated as a Deity not an ordinary human being. With Emirates we were half way to Dubai when I demanded the captain return to London or at least hurl the steward out into the Adriatic and it was only when he kindly gave me another bottle of the ‘Krug ’57 that I relented and allowed to plane to resume its course to its destination.

Through my contacts I have obtained photos of what was served rather than what should have been served by the hapless Cabin Crew member, who apparently has still yet to be arrested. I will be forwarding these to the appropriate authorities in order to speed up this mis-carriage of justice.

THE WRONG WAY TO SERVE NUTS

THE RIGHT WAY TO SERVE NUTS

Hopefully the airline will come to its senses, reinstate her and then promote her to the board. Marvellous lady, got more spunk than many a man I know.The good news is that the Institute of Mediocre Management will be approaching Ms Cho to see if she will agree to speak at our annual get together at the Royal Fartwanglers Club on the subject of Plebs and their occasional usefulness

Anne Wojcicki, former spouse of the founder of Google, Sergey Brin parks where she wants to. When she is caught, which is 50% of the time, she simply pays the fines.

Although she has a net worth of around $20Bn and can afford to pay these charges off immediately it’s still blatantly unfair that the Californian authorities have yet to offer a bulk discount enabling her to save money on her contributions to the State. What about two fines for the price of one, a season ticket or 50% off on Black Fridays?

And why should we clamour for help for this wonderful lady? Well single handedly due to her admirable pig headiness, understandable upper class arrogance and refusal to fall in line with the pseudo socialist mantras of the local traffic enforcement authorities, she is funding whole communities with her selfless acts. Yet another example of how Rich People are often persecuted by those they selflessly help out.

We all know that Rich People are intrinsically better than Poor People. This is because they have more money ergo they are more successful, obviously work harder and certainly dress better so why the authorities (note; mostly made up of poor people) want Rich People to follow rules primarily aimed at the lower classes is anyone’s guess.

It is just about understandable that this should occassionally happen in the UK, where from time to time we have socialist cabals in power but its intensely worrying that this happens across the pond where you regularly shoot Poor People and where Rich People are usually merely admonished respectfully.

The *Committee for Rich Advantaged People has the following proposal which will be presented for consideration and then forced through anyway. The following irritations should NOT apply to the better off:

Parking restrictions

Speed restrictions

Queuing for anything

Waiting for anything

Being forced to mix with those of lower standing

And how do you join us at CRAP? Just tick the boxes below and if all these apply then you are in.

Just had a note from my Medusa my temporary P.A. Fantastic girl, no one ever gets past her into my inner sanctum, one look from her and they just freeze and stand there looking awkward.

Anyway, efficient girl that she is, she reminded me it was nearly Christmas and where did I want to hold the Xmas party. I was a little confused at first and said it would be at my little hideaway on St Lucia, like I do every year. It was her turn then to look stupefied and said how would the whole Office get out there?

I had a brief vision of the Operations lot sat around my pool farting and drinking my Dom Perignon ‘52 out of beer glasses and holding fistfuls of my lobster canapés in their hot sweaty hands. Luckily the vision passed but my mood was somewhat soured.

Through clenched teeth I asked what party dear Medusa was referring to and she said the Office Xmas Party. Apparently all her previous employers held these and some of them had them every year. Such profligacy is hard to imagine! Don’t they realise that there is a global downturn? I’ve had to cut down my first class travel to ye olde Caribbean to me only and put the wife and kids in cattle class.

I then asked her to explain what this ‘party’ would entail and she advised that the company would hire a venue, provide food and drinks and some entertainment all at the company’s expense. I nearly wet myself; she can be really funny for a P.A. sometimes!

Then the true horror dawned on me – she was for real.

The Office (c) NBC

So for the benefit of any Manager reading this who is also in the unfortunate position of have to agree to an Office Party I have some useful tips on how to organise one. To be absolutely clear, the tips are for one of your minions to use to organise the party.

Remember the three V’s: Venue, Vouchers and Volunteers

Venue:

Check out the local entertainment website and look for the reviews. By booking late the 2 to 5 stars places will have long gone so it’s the solitary star hole that’s a strip club in the evening that’s the perfect site. No there won’t be any ‘strippers’as the party should be held at lunchtime. You’ll get a better deal then.

Vouchers:

The last thing you want is the staff over indulging. Its nothing to do with being tight fisted more a paternal concern for their welfare and of course Health and Safety. The Voucher should allow the recipient to have 1 meal (including starter or Dessert) plus one alcoholic drink or one soft drink. Keep the former to light beers or a thin white wine.

Volunteers:

To get everyone in the festive spirit ask for volunteers to provide the entertainment, especially the ones always horsing about laughing when they should be working. They can share their hilarious jokes with the rest of the staff and management. Also get the lot who tell stories of how they rinsed ‘Angels’ or ‘My Way’ at Karaoke to contribute their vocal talents as well and call it the the ‘V’ Factor’ talent show or lack of, for all to enjoy.

I may Skype in briefly from my bolt hole in the sun or my Butler may do said honours.