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I'm a female identical twin in my 30's and have two young children. I'm currently getting a divorce, leaving an emotionally and (on a few occasions) physically abusive relationship, and am in counseling right now. My counselor suggested that I try to gather more information about being a twin. I was a bit confused by that, wondering how that will help me as I'm going through this divorce, and I guess I can't even really formulate an actual question here in this post. I don't even really know what to ask.

I was the younger twin, the skinny one, the quiet one. She was the pretty one, the smarter one, more outgoing. And although my parents TRIED to appear not to favor, I felt I was never quite good enough. The only thing I had going for me was that I was more of a tomboy and my Dad had wished for a boy. I felt such pain in high school when she stopped wanting to dress alike (I didn't) and when she started dating (no one would ask me out). I was somewhat rebellious in high school, arguing with my mom ALOT and definitely was the "bad one" for those years. For some reason I think my counselor sees a connection between how I compared myself to my twin and how I accepted abuse? I'm not sure.

Since my former husband did NOT like my twin sister at all, I slowly let him systematically cut off our relationship. But somehow we still remained close at heart, tho we didn't speak often. She and I even shared some "psychic" experiences, as many twins do, tho I think she never wanted to admit that was what they were. Since high school, she and I both (but mostly her) tried to be individuals, at the expense of our relationship. I guess we both have tried to pretend we weren't really twins.

I really love my twin sister and I'm proud of how much she has accomplished. And now that I'm divorcing we are much closer. She is always supportive of me and views me as her "little sister." I think I used to be jealous of her, but I really am not now. We live very far apart but talk everyday either on the phone or by email. Her son looks strikingly similar to my 2 kids, and we joke that they are actually half brothers/sister!

I guess I just need some general insight here. I'm only now reconnecting with this part of myself and would appreciate any advice to avoid making more relationship mistakes like I did with my marriage.

Yoo_Twin1

I think it's important that whomever we end up with, that this person be loving and accepting to our twin. A twin is someone irreplaceable in every sense of the word. I would suggest you try and speak to her a few times every week. I live in Delaware and my twin lives in Denver. We try to call each other often with updates on important as well as non-important issues. We try and buy things for each other that we know the other would like...even if there is no reason to buy a gift at all. I would suggest you fly out to see your sister soon to physically reconnect as well. A long dinner and chat over cocktails would be most helpful in reassuring yourself and her that things are on there way to being normal again. Best of luck.

Peggy

I agree with Sheryl, a twin could never be happy with someone that didn't really, really get along with their twin. And anyone that tries to keep you away from your family is an abuser.

Buy try not to blame your sister for seeming older/ prettier/ more social. That's just who she is. It wasn't her fault that people felt comfortable enough with her to date her, just like it wasn't your fault no one felt comfortable with you enough to date you. High school is a hard time for everyone. I, too, was the "older/ prettier/ more social" twin, and people wanted to date me, and my sister was very angry at me for a long time because of it. But this is just the way I was made. I can't make myself uglier or more unpleasant.