Women as “Other” in the Church

The moment won’t soon leave my memory.

I was sitting in the audience of my church, which I adore, listening to the announcements. The male pastor began explaining a new discipleship and leadership program designed to train believers to go into ministry.

I shared a look with my roommate, whispering to her, “Wow, I would love to do this!” She smiled and nodded excitedly as we continued listening… and that’s when I heard just one sentence that removed any possibility of my participation.

“We went through the interview and application process with many different men, and eventually chose….”

The first participant was introduced and I could sense my face flush red with disappointment, anger, and betrayal. I looked around, scanning the reactions of other churchgoers, but I was the only one who seemed to feel shattered in that one word: men.

My much beloved church made my heart ache that day.

I recognized that in the casual nature of the announcement the complete exclusivity of the program went seemingly unnoticed by the pastor and the rest of the church body. I could not believe that, in my church, this opportunity to grow in Christian discipleship, biblical knowledge, and pastoral ministry was something only offered to men.

I thought to myself, “How much longer are we going to cripple the ability and calling of the body of Christ?”

From that day forward, I began observing more carefully how different churches treat women.

I began initiating discussions of the topic, analyzing websites, and keeping my eyes open for gender discrimination in all parts of the church. I found it in churches of different denominations, in different cities and states. I heard it in sermons, read it in church bulletins, and blanched at it in “jokes” told from the pulpit.

I recognized it in the “unplanned pregnancy” brochure in a church resource center that assumed the female sex of the reader—as if a life in a womb is the responsibility of a woman alone.

I read it in a Sunday morning bulletin describing the opportunity “to have refreshments and meet other moms” after dropping off one’s children at Vacation Bible School (my father joked, “I’m sure some men would love to meet other moms!”)—as if a father couldn’t be bothered to chauffeur his offspring, or a mother would most obviously be the caretaker available in the middle of the day to deliver her kids.

I experienced it personally when told by a co-worker at a Christian non-profit that I am “too aggressive about gender equality” or when I was very seriously asked if I wanted to “make my brother stumble” when respectfully inquiring about the swimwear dress code for an intern retreat (of course, I was immediately the perpetrator in the sin bound to happen as a result of my scandalous ways, and shame on me for daring ask such a question).

I felt the weight of it in the evident discomfort of male Christian friends when I was caught reading a book with a title seemingly paradoxical—“Jesus Feminist.”

I’ve shuddered as youth groups taught young women to see their virginal status as their ultimate value, and that they are solely at fault for the lust and sexual immorality of men.

I’ve rolled my eyes at it as pastors introduce their wives by acknowledging only their sexual and/or physical character—“There’s my hot wife, waving in the front row. Isn’t she so hot?”

I’ve been acquainted with its passive nature in pastors’ neglect to teach on the stories of women in the Bible (the bravery of Esther is only fitting for the women’s retreat, apparently).

I’ve been asked, “You don’t really think men and women should be totally equal in the church, right?” and I’ve been told “If you do believe those things, your interpretation of the Bible is most definitely loose enough to let all manner of wrong beliefs into your personal theology.”

In these encounters I’ve unmasked “allies” who believe women could maybe be leaders or teach children, but couldn’t ever be pastors because “the Bible is clear about that.” These things, little and large, are what need to be uncovered and disinfected.

But first, more of the church must take notice.

My father, who sometimes wears a gray “This is What an Egalitarian Looks Like” t-shirt to his bible study, recently compared my passion for gender equality to bird watching. “You know,” he said, “a lot of people look at bird watching and immediately decide that they are not only uninterested in it, but they are also unsure of the type of person who would be interested in it.” I thought for a moment and then replied, “First, I just want other people to notice and acknowledge that the birds are there.”

Training the eyes of those in our church community and gaining awareness is a primary necessity. We must then transform our jokes and then let the inclusivity and respect of our humor trickle up to our debates and our decisions and our studies. The pulpit is a powerful position to hold, and the jests thrown about from behind it undeniably affect the perceptions of the congregation.

As we learn more together, we must revise the opportunities and resources we offer. Brick by brick, we must demolish the gargantuan wall that has gone unnoticed for so long. We must also be sensitive to nontraditional families and unconventional life choices (i.e. singleness).

We must take down the “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign from the clubhouse that is pastoral ministry.

We must provide opportunities and positions and seats at the table for women and girls who have ideas and leadership abilities and passions. Each church body must gather in its entirety to share and hear of the experiences of women in its community. We must not let our growth become stunted by slip-ups or by the discomfort that often accompanies change.

We must act in strength, courage, and love as we make our way forward.

is a Christian feminist and undergraduate senior at Azusa Pacific University with one year left of her Bachelor’s of Social Work degree. When she’s not blogging atunconventionalsarah.wordpress.com, she’s eating good food, practicing yoga, experiencing the world with friends, and generally enjoying a good laugh.

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About Sarah Hyde

is a Christian feminist and undergraduate senior at Azusa Pacific University with one year left of her Bachelor’s of Social Work degree. When she’s not blogging at unconventionalsarah.wordpress.com, she’s eating good food, practicing yoga, experiencing the world with friends, and generally enjoying a good laugh.

As a woman in campus ministry for the past 22 years, I too have observed these very things. When brought up, my concerns are minimized or “explained” away in terms of “oh, they didn’t mean it that way” or I am being sensitive. This is unacceptable to me and I don’t let people get away with choosing to be blind, in denial or ignorant. For years in my ministry, people would say “staff and wives”. As if all the staff were men, when I would sitting right there with my husband. It took constant reminders and about 10 years before almost everyone says “staff and spouses”. Shows how deeply entrenched the bias for men in ministry is.

Even though our church recently changed its by-laws to accept women as elders, for our anniversary celebration, there were women slated to be up front during the service, except the gift presenter to the former pastors and their wives. When I mentioned this there were 3 men present. One said he didn’t see it as a problem, the other said do we just start including women as tokenism and the last one (youngest) thought it was a problem. This pretty much is a microcosm of all the interactions I have had on this issue.

Of course I wasn’t going to let it slide, “If we want to show what direction we as a church are heading with equality, this would be a perfect time to put women on the stage”. It sends a message. After tossing some ideas around, we decided how to do that. There was resistance! Really? These men would all consider themselves egalitarian. But you aren’t really egalitarian if you aren’t conscious of how things aren’t egalitarian.

As a women in campus ministry for the past 22 years, I too have observed these very things. When brought up, my concerns are minimized or “explained” away in terms of “oh, they didn’t mean it that way” or I am being sensitive. This is unacceptable to me and I don’t let people get away with choosing to be blind, in denial or ignorant. For years in my ministry, people would say “staff and wives”. As if all the staff were men, when I would sitting right there with my husband. It took constant reminders and about 10 years before almost everyone says “staff and spouses”. Shows how deeply entrenched the bias for men in ministry is.

Even though our church recently changed its by-laws to accept women as elders, for our anniversary celebration, there were women slated to be up front during the service, except the gift presenter to the former pastors and wives. When I mentioned this there were 3 men present. One said he didn’t see it as a problem, the other said do we just start including women as tokenism and the last one (youngest) thought it was a problem. This pretty much is a microcosm of all the interactions I have had on this issue.

Of course I wasn’t going to let it slide, “If we want to show what direction we as a church are heading with equality, this would be a perfect time to put women on the stage”. It sends a message. After tossing some ideas around, we decided how to do that. There was resistance! Really? These men would all consider themselves egalitarian. But you aren’t really egalitarian if you aren’t conscious of how things aren’t egalitarian.

Sorry for the typos, I quickly hit post without proof reading. As as a “woman”, not “women”. There were “no women on stage”. Our church has only had male lead pastors, unlike my ministry which has females in leadership but continued to use exclusive language.

I deeply appreciate your vulnerability in sharing the very barbs that have stung you, however it is only through so doing that we begin to see the “birds”…I think another vital point in this conversation is that thoughtless jokes and comments that casually exclude will NEVER draw people to the love of Christ. He was intentional. WE must be so as well if we wish to demonstrate His love. Thank you for your post calling us all towards His love!

Thank you for writing this winsome piece. I am sorry that you have had this difficult experience in the church. I am the senior pastor at my church and see a huge part of what I do as paving the way so that younger women, such as yourself, have a church in which they can have a meaningful discipleship and calling. Love Jesus. Love the church. And never abandon your calling.

Thank you for this and for mentioning singleness. I visited a church last year where the pastor routinely asks married couples to hold hands during prayers, and evidently he does it every time they have congregational prayer. He even did it at a funeral I attended of a young person whose parents were divorced! I kept wondering how the single women and men of the congregation could stand to hear that time after time, whether they were single by choice or not. Of course, at least the men had hope of a leadership position in the church. I guess the women just had to hope for a husband to help them pray.

I did my part to fight this egalitarian battle back in the early ’80s in my Southern Baptist church, and most people can guess how that went. I finally told my pastor that if God calls a woman to preach, all the Southern Baptists in the world won’t stop her. Keep the faith.

I will always be grateful to our oldest daughter, 18 at the time, for telling me exactly how it made her feel to see only men serve communion. I will not lead a communion service where women are excluded from serving the bread and the cup.

May God use these words to convict, mold and shape his church- men and women alike. I’m the husband of an ordained pastor, and believe in her vocational calling to the proclamation of the Word. This calling isn’t just a cute hobby to be directed to toddlers or children (not to diminish the work of men and women in children’s ministry…), rather it’s something God placed within her, and is something He’s using to bring about the redemption of all things in our Church and community in which we serve.

As our son and daughter grow up, I desperately hope for them to watch her…seeing God’s love, power and courage through her as she leads.

Women don’t need men’s approval to speak such truth. Not mine. Not anyone else’s either. I only share this to say men are listening to you and are walking with you. Your voice matters (not because we say it does, but because God says it does) so may your words bring us to a place as a country, where my daughter might not need to fight these same battles of gender inequality.

RE: Unplanned Pregnancy
No the womb is not the sole responsibility of a woman and nor do I feel that should ever be communicated. However, the reality is that many women who face unplanned pregnancy– especially in the early stages– face it in silence and alone. I have found that in my conversations with women, they often don’t even feel like the man should have a “say” on what they choose to do. The church needs to be a safe haven for these women and to come alongside of them as they face critical choices. I absolutely believe that within the church, women need to be able to come out of the hiding, without shame or regret, and feel safe to ask questions and receive resources that could potentially save the life of their child. They don’t have to walk the road to either keeping their baby or placing them for adoption alone. A brochure on a resource table might just be the avenue the Holy Spirit uses to open up this dialogue.

You have a great point! I was very glad to see that the church had a resource available for women dealing with unplanned pregnancy. I would have loved to see similar resources available to men who father an unplanned pregnancy–so that they may also live without shame or regret. The pamphlet was evidence of progress, certainly. But I believe more can be done! Thanks for your comment.

Thank. I so related. I can remember being in college in my denomination’s school system, where lip service was given to equality but it was not allowed to be discussed in the classroom. Clearly sexist jokes would be made–by the student in one case, by the instructor in another memorable case–and I spoke up in both cases, only to be interrupted and silenced by the instructor. In both cases. There was an obvious comfort level with sexism and a clear, overt discomfort level with actually talking about it. It was very unhealthy, and I was crushed each time. For my first bachelor’s degree, I spent my entire academic career in denominational schools. To have it happen in that environment sent an unmistakable message.

Thanks for posting this–it’s great stuff! Your point about the power of casual words from behind the pulpit makes me remember occasions when my male friends didn’t understand why I cringed (or was, at one point, reduced to tears) when a pastor of a large church made throwaway misogynistic jokes. I hated thinking about how his words, his assumptions, were sinking in to the huge audience around me, the message they were sending to both the men and women of that church about who has value and who is a joke.

Well said Sarah. I’m alway a little bit befuddled when people attempt to tell me what the Bible “clearly” says about the matter. Whenever I hear this, I want to say, “Honestly, if you can say without hesitation that it’s really THAT straightforward and obvious, then you clearly haven’t studied the issue at any length or depth, because if you had, you would know that the Bible most certainly doesn’t “clearly” say anything of the sort.” Keep up the hard work, these conversations need to be had before change can happen.

I had a very similar experience sitting in my congregation and hearing the pastor talk about a group of “young guys” that were starting a discipleship group to learn how to preach and be in ministry. It is why my husband and I ultimately chose to find a different church that matched our egalitarian theology where we would BOTH be encouraged to cultivate our gifts. Thank you for sharing Sarah!

This is a great post Sarah. I commend you for continuing to stick by your beliefs in the face of apathy. It is something I struggle with as well in my social circles. I start to feel like a broken record sometimes, but I think it’s important enough to keep going. As Dori says in Finding Nemo “Just keep swimming…” : )