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Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 18/9/2017

It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!

Scan-dols of the week – Madtown

Sunny & Henry – U&I

Sunny’s bridal C O S P L A Y looks so good here that I nearly didn’t notice at 1:15 where a word comes out of her mouth while her lips are closed. Ventriloquist Sunny is real.

Gfriend – Summer Rain

The AC/DC of k-pop just released their “Blow Up Your Video”.

Junho – Instant Love

Okay, so someone at JYP really likes Cocteau Twins and decided to make Junho be Elizabeth Fraser for a song, which is a pretty balls-out move right up there with Rainbow channeling Laurie Anderson and expecting people to buy it.

Junho – Canvas

At least on this song he’s ruining a backing track that was already crap anyway so I feel less bad about the wasted potential.

Bobby – I Love You

The path to hell is paved with toot toot bullshit.

Bobby – Runaway

If there really was a god, he’d allow Bobby to be hip-hop while also looking after his hygiene.

Elris – Pow Pow

So much guitarface in k-pop videos and finally a song arrives where they could have justifiably used guitars in the video and they didn’t. I guess they didn’t want to offend anyone. I guess you can’t blame agencies for pandering to political correctness when there’s money to be made.

IU – Autumn Morning

I like this song only because it really lays bare how heavily post-processed k-pop vocals are in that first acapella minute. I might use it in a blog one day. In the meantime I’m sure “Flower Bookmark 2” will be a waste of time musically but I look forward to seeing IU in an upcoming MV wearing more slightly see-thru white fabric and being all “innocent” ahem cough. Talk about a girl who knows exactly how to play the game. IU is the yin to Hyuna’s yang.

BONUS SONGS

Han Yeoyoo – Life On Their Own Terms

Life on my own terms would involve not listening to this trash ever again.

D.I.P – A Likely Night

I like it how they’ve taken that stupid noise and dropped it into the chorus to make this first-half-of-2016-yolo-by-numbers seem “up to date”.

Dreamcatcher – Secret Love Song

I was listening to this thinking “hang on, this is fucking garbage… why? Usually Dreamcatcher are great” and then I realised it was a cover of a Little Mix song. Ah, now that explains everything.

Leesun – Cake

The song called “Cake” being good is a lie.

Lundi Blues – Gaze

I hate trawling through the “indie” channels. It’s almost always garbage like this. The “indie” scene or whatever in Korea needs some serious hard drugs injected into it.

Sugarbowl – A Very Special One

I nearly fucking cut my thumb off the other day which is why you didn’t get any other posts last week apart from the survey, but I decided to still do a roundup this week as roundups are pretty light on the word count compared to my usual posts so I wouldn’t fuck my thumb up too much. Anyway I hope you’re appreciating the physical pain I’m going through now just to type to you that this song fucking sucks and you shouldn’t listen to it.

20 Years Of Age – Not Him

More boring trash that isn’t worth the movement of your mouse finger muscle.

Legit Goons – Junk Drunk Love

When Deepflow eating a hamburger is the most interesting thing about a song and video you know you’ve got quality issues.

Sik-k, ph-1, Jay Park – Iffy

Whenever you hear that “groove it area” or whatever the fuck it is at the start of a song, you know you can just stop listening, safe in the knowledge that you’re not missing anything of interest.

Rocoberry – Bob Shou Wa

In a country where most of our own TV animal mascots were eventually arrested for pedophilia, this shit just creeps me out.

Skilleto – Get High

My god it’s every DJ Muggs production from the early 90s compressed into one song, didn’t expect that.

Yoon Hyun Sang – Silhouette

If only the song was as fast as their keyboard skills.

Jisoo – Vague

Vague indeed. This song doesn’t even know what type of boring it wants to be.

Gugupapa – Last Day Of The Month

Gugudan’s fathers thought they’d drop a song with some advice to help the girls in Gugudan deal with their monthly cycle. You can’t knock that for solid parenting.

Sway.D ft Superbee & Goretexx – All I Got

Jannabi – She

Hofner instruments are rubbish. That bass guitar in the video goes for about $5000 even in shit condition nowadays just because Paul McCartney played one in The Beatles, but the price has got nothing to do with the quality that’s for sure. The fact is Hofner were cheap student-grade instruments back in the day and back when the Beatles first started out they all had them because they couldn’t afford anything actually good, as soon as they started making money they bought decent instruments instead. The only reason Paul still played his stupid Hofner was because it was the only electric bass available at the time that didn’t look fucking stupid when played left-handed. Trust me, I own a pre-Beatles Hofner guitar and that’s dogshit too, it plays like ass, it’s not even built properly, it even fell apart once because I visited a friend who lived about 300 metres higher in elevation than me and the guitar couldn’t handle the change in air pressure, then I had to glue the fucking overrated piece of shit back together. Something like a Squier Affinity strat is miles better than the student instruments of the 1960s, there’s a reason why Squier and Epiphone is in every guitar store and Hofner isn’t.

SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG

Produce 101 – Pick Me

I didn’t write about this song much when it came out because it was too boring and shit to really even rate a mention and I didn’t assume that people were so suckered in by Korean reality TV bullshit that they’d actually care about this crap. More fool me as everyone leaned against the fecal trough to take another lick of the runny distended turds shat out from the k-pop hate machine. Notice how occasionally they zoom in on some random girl individually? How many of those girls who they zoom in on individually actually made it into I.O.I? It’s not a rhetorical question, I really don’t know the answer because I find all the I.O.I girls to be bland as fuck and can barely even tell them apart, but I’m willing to guess quite a few, and I’m also willing to guess that’s not a coincidence. There’s nothing random about any of this, it’s as regimented as those triangle formations. K-pop companies hate you. This song is their contempt for you, with 101 girls emotionally ground down for your entertainment into a singular prism of disdain.

That’s all for this week, more songs rounded up next week! In the meantime don’t forget to do the Kpopalypse survey if you haven’t, you’ve still got a few days to fill it out! Until next time, caonimas!

4/11 girls didn’t get zoomed to… changha, sohye, youngjung, doyeon. the first 4 girls that got zoomed to made it to ioi. the last 3 girls also made it to ioi. Some of the girls that got zoomed into didn’t surpise me: yoojung in the center, somi and pinky who were already popular. Sejeong who’s arguably the biggest breakout star of P101 got 1 lonely zoom in the middle of the video. There’s quite a few girls who get zoomed on over and over again who didn’t make it at all.

“The AC/DC of k-pop just released their “Blow Up Your Video”.” …Just trying to parse this; I apologize, I’m not up on AC/DC lore, could you explain just a tad further what you mean? I looked at websites & read reviews, BUYV seems to be a mixed bag, a couple good songs… (Sorry to read too much into this, your offhand comments are succinct, but often opaque) and I care how Gfriend’s popularity goes.

Regardless of opinions of quality, by “Blow Up Your Video” it was clear that AC/DC had settled into one particular thing and weren’t going to drastically vary their formula ever. I’ll explain more later.

The fact that the best song is Gugupapa’s is a letdown but also a great opportunity. We should stan Gugupapa so that they can financially support Gugudan and let them afford food since their trash songs keep flopping

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About This Blog:

A blog created by me so I can write about k-pop related stuff. Some content is related to the k-pop radio show that I host, but most of it is just random shit that I felt like writing. All of it is primarily for my own personal amusement, although if you like it too, that’s fantastic and I love you. Warning: certain posts might occasionally be considered offensive, so if you are an easily offended fucking cunt maybe go read something else instead, thanks. – KPOPALYPSE