A Story of Treatment and Recovery

The Myth of the Good Day

There will be good days and bad days, they told me. For the first few days after the infusion, you’ll feel normal. Then you’ll start to feel tired. Then you’ll start to feel better, and then it will be time for more poison.

I have not had a good day since I started chemo. I can’t say for certain that each day has actually been worse than the day before, but each day brings fresh nightmares. Some days I’ve been okay for half an hour or so when I first wake up; other days I can barely crawl up the stairs. I can say that each day has good moments – yesterday Josh dropped me off at the Olcott Center for a support group, but no one showed up, so after chatting with a nurse for a little bit I decided to walk home. It was maybe a mile, but I felt like I had run a marathon, I was so proud of myself.

I usually have a window of okayness in the early evening, which gives way to overwhelming exhaustion by 9. But even when I’m okay – even when I’m walking or trying super hard to make conversation or managing to eat something that isn’t a saltine – I don’t feel like myself. I feel cloudy, fuzzy-headed. I am beginning to worry that I will feel like this forever.

The good moments are, as I say, nothing like what it was like to not be sick. But they are enough to get me through the days. It has been nine days since my infusion, and day nine is not a good day, not at all. But maybe day 10 will be better. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.