"We are Running Out of Civilians": Iraq

The President of The Republic of Iraq Jalal Talabani, went on Iraqi TV earlier this evening and addressed the people of the country, saying that they are “running low on civilians that needlessly die every day”, and politely asked citizens to “tone it down with the massive daily street massacres”.

“My fellow Iraqis, this can’t go on much longer, we are running out of people to continue killing needlessly,” the President said. “Every single day for the past -who even knows how long- someone has been blowing up between 30-80 people,” President Talabani added.

He continued by cautioning the nation that if they continue killing civilians at the current rate, it will be only a matter of days or months before they find themselves without anyone left to blow up. “We don’t get nearly half as many newborns a day as we do corpses or what remains of them.

We need to watch these numbers closely, new people aren’t that easy to make, they don’t grow on trees you know,” the President said.

If the presidential address doesn’t change anything in the next couple of days and large numbers of people continue to needlessly get blown up on a daily basis, President Talabani said that the government will be “forced to take drastic measures, by evacuating the entire population to somewhere safe, like Iran.”