Sunday, February 25, 2018

A Matter of Soul

Today is the Chinese New Year. This year is the Year of the Dog.

I haven't told many people about this but the entire reason I went to live in Asia for three years was because of a vision. I saw a Foo Dog as bright as a projected image on a screen. I was wide awake.

In my vision, he was emerald green and facing to the right. He was brilliant and ferocious. Stunning.

He hung around for a few seconds and faded away. That's how I knew I had to get to Asia.

Foo Dogs are guardians. They are most often seen at the front of buildings, one female and one male, protecting the building from negative spirits and emotions.

The cycle has come around again. Three days ago, I was wondering about my spirit animal. Two days ago, I was drawn Tarot Card reading, pulling cards for friends at their request. These cards I pulled were incredibly accurate and nothing about them was vague.

I just knew.

Today is the Chinese New Year.

Somebody is trying to tell me something and I just don't know what. It's maddening sometimes because I don't believe in coincidences. I just don't. I've seen too much shit and too many fucked up things to believe in randomness.

It's 3:10 AM and I can't sleep. Again. Withdrawals are a bitch. My legs are twitching and I keep getting cold chills that get me to the bone. Then my skin starts to burn. My body can't get comfortable.

I'm fighting this monster with everything I have and I'm winning. It's been a long, hard road, but I'm winning.

It's a matter of soul. All of this life is, really. Everything I've done in this life has been dictated by how I view my soul, and the path it is supposed to take, or be on. Maybe that's why I fall for women so hard. For me, it's not just about having fun. None of this is. Life is serious business to me and always has been.

That mindset goes against just about everybody else's outlook on life. I can't help it, though, because I was born serious. I've been around the block too many fucking times and I've had too many lives and my soul is too fucking old for games. Believe me--I wish I could lighten the fuck up. I have no idea how.

I've been angry and agitated all day today. Every little thing is pissing me off and I've snapped on more than a couple of people. I've had to keep my distance from others because I don't want to shit on them.

Maybe I need a pair of foo dogs to block out the negative spirits.

My apartment has been too quiet these past few months. I'm no longer being woken up at 3:33AM like I was for so long. Things aren't moving around my apartment at night. I haven't had a single appliance turn itself on and off in almost a year. I haven't heard the harbingers laughing and chatting amongst themselves in almost as long.

I miss it. I dearly miss the feeling of having somebody watch me or standing behind me. It's too quiet and it bugs me. A few months ago, something pulled my hair from behind. I was sitting at my computer and somebody gave my ponytail a tug. But those days are gone for now and it bothers me. I feel abandoned and left behind.

Again.

I swear I'm the only guy in the world who misses his ghosts.

Next week, I start a new job. I get the equipment on Monday, on Thursday we do the pre-flight stuff to make sure it's all connected right, and the Monday after that training begins. I still haven't gotten my unemployment because the State of Illinois is broke and drags its feet anytime it has to pay somebody.

So I do what I can to avoid losing my mind. It hasn't been easy. I can't write for some reason. I try and my brain short-circuits every time. It's annoying.

But now something is changing. I can feel it. Something spiritual is happening. The Universe is moving at all times and I can feel its focus on me. I'm either being put in play or aligned for something. I can feel it.

When I say "aligned" that usually means a big foot is getting ready to kick me like a football through a goal post. I'll end up with a big boot print on my ass a long distance from where I was. It'll be chaos and will hurt like hell while I'm tumbling through the air but the landing is usually soft but confusing for a while. "How did I end up here? Where am I?"

That sort of thing.

But there's a problem with living your life with faith The Universe (or some asshole deity) is going to watch your back. Sometimes, the answer to your prayers is "Go fuck yourself" and sometimes you will get dropped on your head. I've been dropped on my head a few times and having any faith whatsoever feels like being a codependent victim in an abusive relationship.

When you're an abused person in a relationship, you make excuses for the abuser, and say things like, "they did it because they love me" or "they know better than I do." People make the same excuses for Gods.

"God knows best" or "God did this because he loves me."

Abuse by any other name is still abuse.

So I don't go by faith. Instead, I look for paths, being mindful of opportunities as they present themselves. A soulful path through life is much better than being pushed and shoved around by somebody who sees you more as a mindless chess piece. I'm a person, not a function.

I'm getting really agitated right now I'm going to wrap this up. I feel like my skin is crawling and I want to tear it off, or slice it off, just so I can get out of it. I'm sweating but cold and I have the urge to shave my head but I wish I had hair down to my butt. It's like that all the time these days, too. Like I want to scream but I just don't have the energy for it. Everything everybody says is stupid and wrong but I don't feel like correcting them because it just won't work. Nobody cares about any opinion but their own so I just ignore them.

It's probably too late to put up a pair of foo dogs anyways. The damage has already been done and now it's just a matter of time.