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Month: January 2015

So. Like. I’m sitting on a bus last summer. I’m traveling from Salisbury, MD, to Wilmington, DE. In Wilmington a train takes me to NYC where I enjoy an afternoon and an overnight in one of my favourite places on the planet. To worst-writer there is nothing more tranquil than walking around NYC until I feel like my legs are gonna fall off. That’s pretty much all I do when I go on these trips. (Ok, sometimes I see a play or three.) What a way to get away, eh! And during this trip I make special effort to get as inebriated as possible on account I need to get family issues off my mind. The thing is to get drunk without becoming a public nuisance. That goes without saying. So. With full flask in my jacket pocket the travel can begin. Usually the flask gets me to NYC where I then proceed to refill it via hotel mini bars. I also stop in various places for other forms of sustenance–you know, food and sometimes brief but intense conversation. Cause when I’m alone all I do is think about the world, my meaningless worst-writing career and sometimes the asses of wannabe beauties that seem to line the streets of mid-town Manhattan. Getting drunk in NYC, to me, is like traveling the world just like how I wish I could do it all the time. Get on a plane and go to Madrid, Egypt, India, Mauritius, Bangkok, Manilla, San Fran, etc. Yeah. Whatever. But since I have to settle for the multi-culti of NYC, I’m good. ¶There is one thing lingering with me from last summer’s trip, though. On the bus to Wilmington I got in a conversation with a young man from South Carolina. He was bussing it to Boston and also planning an overnight in NYC. Of course, after hearing his plans I didn’t tell him my plans on account I knew that if I did he would push the poor student bullshit my way and next thing I know I’d be putting him up for a night. Instead, I got him to talk to me about his politics. That always a great way to get rid of people when you’d rather be alone. He was, of course, a right-winger and I got him to monologue about what he thinks of Barry Obama, money and the woman he someday wants to own as his wife. The problem was his monologue was emptying fast and I started to get worried. There simply isn’t much substance in what this young #americant college frat republican boy had to say which means that one can’t kill a lot of time avoiding whatever it is he has to say. When he rant out, we were still an hour from Wilmington. Before I could get another question in–I wanted to try and see if he could talk about Saint Ronal Reagan–he asked me about my politics. Which brings me to this post, dear worst-reader. When ever a stranger asks me about my politics I usually try and figure out how right-wing they are first. Once I know that then I know how to go about talking about my (political) leanings. With left-wing folk I usually get provocative and say that I don’t like Barry. With right wingers, though, who usually have the intellect of lunkheads (hence such a once great nation can come up politicians like S. Palin), I usually say I love Barry. From there it’s all about… Let the confrontation begin. ¶I won’t go into detail about arguing with right wingers why I like Barry. What’s more interesting than conversations with lunkheads, is how one converses with those who think they are on the same plain. And so. As a liberal. When ever I talk to progressives or Dems, I usually just come out with it and say it loud: I do not like Barry Obama. Once the shock & awe passes, I then start talking about how I wanted Hillary in 2008. I wanted her to get the Whitehouse so that, simply by her presence, she could make all those really, really stupid white men, especially idiots like Newt Gingrich, squeal like the pigs they are for impeaching Bill Clinton. That impeachment to me was one of the worst things that #americant has ever done. I mean, it was worse than the trial-that-never-was of Richard Nixon. And then I add that Barry is too naive a man to be president. He’s naive because, even though he’s been abroad in his life, he is clueless to what’s really going on in this world. And that’s not even the important part of why I don’t like him. I don’t like him because he’s from Chicago–and I don’t mean the city. Obama is obviously a believer in neoliberalism, i.e. Milton Friedman. That was one of my arguments back in 2007 when it looked like Barry was gonna clean (the Dem) house. I know. Bill and Hillary aren’t much better–since the predecessor to things like the TPP (see links below), NAFTA, were put through on their watch, which are also, probably, part of the Chicago school. It’s obvious that the Democratic party is suffering under an identity crisis that could be called republican-lite. Yet I still have hope that someone soon might come along and shine the light. Obviously Barry ain’t the one to do that. Hence, he’s for TPP and that scares me more than him being from Chicago. Oh well. I still voted for him twice and would do it again if the party so wishes. With that in mind. I really love the US political system. No where else in the world is there as much clarity about how Das Volk thinks. Anywho. Be afraid of TPP because Barry is gonna do his damnedest to make it happen. May your god save us all. Rant on. -Tommi

Seriously. Don’t know what everyone is so giddy about. But then again I reckon waking up is hard to do when you live both in the intoxication and the hangover. Indeed. Such is life. And so. Whether one is facing the demise of her/his dreams or the reality of seeds (obviously everyone has) sown, what is left to be done? Well, nothing is left to be done. Because. The enablers of these dire straits must first die out. That is, the baby boomers, the progeny of the so-called greatest generation, must first pass on. And that will take some time. I suppose, if one would consider the cognitive capabilities of humanity, that something political could take place to at least alleviate some of the suffering, then maybe something could be done. Enter the TPP. Enter… and that damn ship of hope has sailed. Nomatter. Enter the TPP. You really got to hand to those Boomers. They came up with a few great idears to continue on with what their parents passed on to them in the form of politically changing the goal post/rules in the middle of the game. As the few & far between contemplate their impending demise in the form of consume to survive, politics like the TPP will thrive. And so. The sowers of the seeds remain clueless. Go buy something with your credit card. You’ll feel better. Yeah, baby. Rant on. -Tommi

“Without the League (of Nations), there would be another war with Germany within thirty years because of the Carthaginian peace being imposed by the Allies.” / “Europe had a murderous tendency to sink into barbarism, the United States had not yet achieved a civilization from which to fall.” -Gore Vidal, Hollywood

Spoke to soon? Said this week that I’m getting too old for movies. Just finished my second one in a week. Wow. Oh well. At least I have yet another excuse for posterity as to why I’ll never finish any of my deservedly unfinished novels.

And so. Here’s a quesiton for ya, dear worst-reader: How does one make a bad movie great? Answer: ask Luc Besson. Finally saw “Lucy” last night. €4,99 rental on monopolists iTunes. Neat thing about this movie? Only half-hour download of “HD” version–which is 720p according to monopolists Apple. Almost 4Gb downloaded within the ubiquity of the Interwebnets in less than a half-hour. Wow. That’s pretty cool. Also. It was the first time I’d seen a movie visualisation of the monkey/human known as Lucy. The connection Besson makes with this anthropological discovery is really, really cool. But that is overshadowed by really, really bad movie making and, perhaps, end of the assembly-line quality control. The film begins with horrific dialogue between Johansson and her fling-boyfriend. The way he tries to convince her to deliver a suitcase for him to his drug dealing overlords borders on the absurd. A few moments later she delivers the suitcase and Korean is spoken and there are no subtitles–just blood and more bad acting. Seriously. Johansson’s acting is so bad that it’s funny. For the life of me I don’t know how Besson let this happen or did he realise in post-production that it was just too late to re-shoot? Of course, to get something out of any actor, even the most mediocre, the writing has to enable it. No. Wait. Even bad writing can be compensated with directing. Or? Yeah, that’s the ticket. Luc Besson didn’t give a shit if the acting was bad. That’s because he’s Luc Besson. I guess. Heck, even most of the special effects of the movie are so bad that there’s only one word to describe it: corny. Seriously corny special effects. Anyone remember the Superman movie where he reverses the rotation of the earth thereby reversing time? Remember how bad those special effects were? Well, Lucy special effects are even worse. But what can one do when we live in a world of monopolists that deliver 4Gb of movie in half an hour for a few Euros? And Luc B is a monopolists dictator–I mean director of his movies. Which he can get away with because he made so many great movies. I love Fifth Element because it’s such a in-your-face Hollywood movie–from a French guy. Wait. Nomatter. Lucy is a complete and utter cliché, and the only thing that holds it together is the terrible acting and the bad trip Lucy takes. That is, the drug induced, mind altering trip that Johansson takes that leads her back to the big bang and literally becoming one with the universe–but not before leaving humanity with all the worlds knowledge on a USB stick. And with all that pseudo-criticism in mind, I’m gonna watch this movie again tonight (before my rental self destructs). I love this movie. Luc Besson is the master of making bad great. And bless him for it. He could collect a bunch of old tin, galvanised trash cans, a camera, and make a movie. Hats off to him.

“This is the excellent foppery of the world that when we are sick in fortune, often the surfeit of our own behaviour, we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars; as if we were villains on necessity; fools by heavenly compulsion; knaves, thieves, and treachers by spherical predominance; drunkards, liars, and adulterers by an enforced obedience of planetary influence; and all that we are evil in by a divine thrusting-on. An admirable evasion of whoremaster man, to lay his goatish disposition to the charge of a star! My father compounded with my mother under the dragon’s tail and my nativity was under Ursa Major, so that it follows I am rough and lecherous. Fut! I should have been that I am, had the maidenliest star in the firmament twinkled on my bastardizing.” -Edmund, King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2

Quote motivated by the reaction of John McCain towards protestors. A US Senator calls another person, out loud, in front of cameras, in full glory, a “low life scum”. I suppose when the empire house-of-cards you built is crumbling from within your true character shines. So. Go grab a can of your wife’s krappy beer (yeah, he married into the Coors beer dynasty) and let the Arizona sun-god cook off your wiener.

(Y)our representatives are hard at work and the past that reared and controls us all will never die. Unfortunately.

And, btw, Kissinger is the war criminal that set the standard for where #americant is today as it continues to usurp the planet and its resources.

That said, I really miss those nice beach mornings in Florida, beach afternoons at the bars of Disney World and beach nights in those grimy motels underneath Mikey Mouse where the prudery, bigotry and hypocrisy can take a break. Yeah, baby.

Curiosity has hit this Ausländer a wee bit more than usual since Jan 1. The beginning of 2015 has offered up a lot to consider. First, the Swiss unpegged their precious Franc from the Euro. Second, East Germans, most of which were educated under the auspices of Margot Honecker, presented their intellect in the form of Pigeda. Third, the hardcore world of satire got its ass slaughtered. And so. The Euro might be under fire. Former East-Germans have come out of their third-grade closets. And the most shocking of all, a bunch of cartoonists were murdered because of pictures they drew. Wow. And now you know why I call it #eurowasteland. Indeed, dear worst-reader, much ado about everything.

Let’s move on to two other things that we can take with us for the rest of 2015. The first is the recent Greek election. The second is the reaction to that election by the uninformed. Or should I say the misguided? No. Wait. Americans aren’t any of those things. But then again, if you keep up with US news, like I do, then it should be no surprise how Americans have not reacted to the Greece election. There was so little coverage of the recent event in the American press (at least there was little coverage on the front pages) that I almost gave up on the issue. But then I came across an article (see below) on the subject from one of my favourite liberal websites. After reading it I realised that liberals do have good intentions. They also sure do know how to miss the boat in style.

I was indeed relieved that someone in my home country decided to take on the issue of the Greek election but by the third paragraph I was reaching for an exit in the form of my very expensive full automatic espresso machine (caffeine buzz), the magic scarf that I’ve learned to wear around my neck between the months of August and April (Euro weather comfort) and my passport because I thought it time to take a flight home to help my fellow #americants get informed. Then I took a deep breath, swallowed my espresso with my pinky hanging high and adjusted my scarf. Comfort in the horror of Cologne, Germany, winter amid lots of worst-writing. I gathered my-worst-self and reached for my worst-writing equipment. Lo and behold. Have no fear #americant. Worstwriter is here!

Let’s try and recap a bit, shall we? The Greek elections were on Sunday. A pseudo communist, aka modern socialist, left-wing party won the election by what can be considered a landslide. By Monday morning this new Greek government had a photo-op visiting a grave where two hundred Greeks were killed by Nazis–because that’s what Greek communists do when they win elections. Beyond all that the only other stuff being talked about was Austerity and the euro-crisis. But here’s the thing. Mark my words. This election will be forgotten soon enough. The only thing that will be remembered is the Greek obsession with Nazis and how the Anglo portion of the western world has probably failed in its bid to undermine the Euro through the vanity of the Greek oligarchs. Ok. Wait. Maybe painting a Hitler mustache on Merkel will be remembered. Personally, I think the Greeks should start posting those old east German nudist beach photos of Merkel. Yeah. She was hot back then–in an east German fräulein kinda way.

Ok. Here’s the other thing I wanted to worst-write about tonight. I have been living in #eurowasteland as an Ausländer for twenty-five years. I have worked and traveled throughout the “continent”. Even though I’ve only worked briefly in Athens (project work), I have worked extensively in Spain, Italy, Holland, Sweden, England and, of course, Germany. If you ask me what I think of Europe I will tell you toot-sweet that it is the origin of all that’s wrong in the modern world. Whether talking about government or krappy, ornery, rude people, if you want to know where modern human evil is rooted–look no further than #eurowasteland. That said, if you really believe that Germany is responsible for Greece’s problems, well, maybe it’s time to reconsider.

So let’s get a few basics straight, shall we? Greek problems are not from Austerity. Greek problems are not from the last five, six or seven years. Greek problems are not because of… Well, let me quote a part of the article that motivated this post.

“Perhaps the best way to understand what Syriza (the new Greek govt.) represents is to recognize the forces aligned in opposition, nothing less than the major European and international governing institutions of contemporary globalized finance. These are the International Monetary Fund, the European Central Bank and the German government (as the dominant player in the European Union), collectively known as the ‘Troika.'” (See link below for source.)

So. Bear with me. I’m still getting a few things straight. The guy who wrote the above text is not telling it like it is. Although for the most part his article is well written and accurate, he is telling the Greek part like someone told him how to tell it. Namely, that the Germans and the ECB are the reason the Greeks are in such trouble. It might be true that the IMF is part of the problem. But the IMF does not answer to Germany or the ECB as much as it answers to big banks. Yeah. Big banks.

Let me try to put it another worst-way before I get accused (by one of three readers) of taking something out of context. The financial problem Greece is having today is nothing new. Greece has had many, many years to deal with this but instead has found ways to weasel out. All one has to do is go back to the European Stability and Growth Pact of the late 90s. Greece has never abided by this pact. (In fact, Spain and Italy–the countries that are next on the downfall list–haven’t abided by this pact either.) Which raises the question: If Greece hasn’t abided by this pact, how have they been able to get away with it for so long? The answer to that is and isn’t easy.

First. Who wants the Euro to fail? Remember, #eurowasteland is the largest economic entity there is. It trumps the US by quite a large sum. That also means that #eurowasteland is a desired trading partner for not only the US but also the world. The only one to profit from the Euro failing would be private banks.

Second. When Greece took on the Euro it agreed to do things like manage its national debt, i.e. The Stability and Growth Pact (which is actually a treaty). Quickly after signing it, Greece decided that it didn’t want to manage its debt because that would mean living within its own means and also justifying its meritless high living standards. And get this. I can tell you first hand. I travel to some nice places two or three times a year. I never book Greece. Why? Greece is stupidly overpriced. Of course, most of #eurowasteland is overpriced because everybody lives in/for the past and most live in meritless high standards. The question then is, who can afford those standards? Seriously. You don’t get much bang for your travel buck in Greece.

The not-so-easy part of all this is that the recent election will end up being either a sad joke or further insult to Greek young people that have already been robbed of a future. What is clear so far is that the naive and angry Greeks really do believe that there is an enemy out to get them. What they don’t know or aren’t willing to see is who that enemy really is. On top of that, the world of finance isn’t willing to play with their debt lies anymore–hence blame the ECB and the Germans and don’t think twice about what Goldman Sachs did with the previous bailout money.

Greece, like a junky at a Vegas gambling table, has run out of sugar-daddies. So what do they do? Oh yeah. They have an election and then immediately visit a grave site where Nazis killed two hundred Greeks in 1944. Will that change their debt problems? Greece, like (monarchy) Spain and (über mafia) Italy, is its own worst financial enemy. Hence when Greece was first bailed out (in 2010?) they were stupid enough to let their oligarchs horde/steal the cash or Wall Street gamble with it. That is, Greece allowed Wall Street (Goldman Sachs) to continue gambling with bail out money in the form of Greek bonds, Greek derivatives and whatever other fancy-pants finance trickery they can come up with to prop-up the books. And the money did flow. And the Greeks don’t know an iota (pun intended) about where that money went. But a good worst-guess is that in such a corrupt, old-money society, where the past never dies, a few oligarchs have secured a future of luxury for one or three Greek grandchildren.

In the after math of this historic election, the only issue that need be governed is who is on what side of the Greek prop-up trades and who will pay for them? By the looks of it, the Germans are not on the wrong side of these trades because in the end the money Greece has already received (and gambled away) comes out of all of #eurowasteland coffers. For the Germans it’s a drop in the bucket. So. Nazi here or there, the reality is Greece has to pony-up sooner or later for its anti-euro behaviour and its meritless living standard. And here’s where we get into a bit of deep and serious irony. The Greeks just elected a socialist government. Why would they provoke the somewhat more socialist side of the western world’s capitalist pseudo-democracies, i.e. the Germans, by playing the irrational Nazi card? You would think that as soon as one hears that the most successful bailed out bank on Wall Street was part of hiding Greek debt (Goldman Sachs), that the Greek presses would stop. But the presses never stop where (old) men are ruled by (even older) men (and their old money) and not laws.

I wish the founders of democracy all the best. I also hope the young people with ruined futures will be able to make the best of it.

It’s hard watching movies these days, dear worst-reader. I think that’s due to 1) my age, 2) I’m movied-out. Wait. Those two things probably aren’t exclusive. Nomatter. One of my hobbies is to curate my own little personal digital movie library. Using Apple’s (the great monopoly) iTunes as my media server, I purchase most of my movies through happenstance and used DVD shopping. An example of happenstance purchasing is the movie Essence Under Skin, which is one of those rare movies that I actually rented on iTunes (but only because it was offered for .99c). Boy did that movie really do a number on me. In fact, it was so good, as soon as it was over I purchased the ebook and read it in two days. The other means of acquiring movies is when I’m assigned to carrying my better-half’s shopping bag. I usually sneak away at some point and go to the DVD racks. I buy films on sale, never paying more than five to seven euros for a disc. I then bring the disc home and rip it to my library. Which brings me to Killing Them Softly. I picked it up in one of them big metal baskets on wooden pallets at a German electronics store. The sign said: DVDs ab 3,99. I think I paid 4,99 for it. And so. Happenstance and a key bargain shopper persona lead me to this really good mediocre film. And without further ado, here my worst thoughts on it.

The movie had me sold right from the start. Why? It is a satirical parody of #americant. I love #americant parodies. (Btw, here’s more worst-writing on #americant parodies, if you’re interested.) Through out the film one constantly hears and sees via a TV set either Dubya (dipshit) Bush or Barry Obama spewing #americant dysfunctional propaganda that Das Volk can’t get enough of before and during the 2008 election. Underneath the spewing the film tries to tell the story of a bunch of two-bit hoodlums who, obviously, parody the people of a country where everybody either wants to be or knows they are a king of their own personal household and/or corporate cubicle fiefdom. The hoodlums are Americans who just happen, for the sake of movie action, to get all caught up in a death spiral of guns, profanity and, of course, the lust for cash. That, along with a less than cohesive storyline, makes this movie very mediocre. What makes this movie shine is its subtext–which is the critical study of the world’s greatest experiment in nation-statehood slowly rotting from within. The only acting that caught my eye in the movie is James Gandolfini. He is f’n brilliant as a washed-up hitman. As far as Pitt goes, well, what can one say. Without him this strange adaptation of George V. Higgins book would have probably never been made. The only problem with his character is that he doesn’t really shine until the very end when the parody transitions to reality and a brilliant piece of writing his inserted in the book… I mean the movie. (I haven’t read the book but I’m guessing this text ain’t in it and if it is, wow! What a coincidence. Then maybe I should read it.)

Driver (a corporate mafia rep played by Richard Jenkins): Look up there. (Pointing to TV above the bar where Obama is giving 2008 acceptance speech.) Those words are for you.

Jackie (Brad Pitt): Don’t make me laugh. For one people. That’s a myth created by Thomas Jefferson.

Driver: Oh, now you’re gonna have a go at Jefferson, uh?

Jackie: My friend, Jefferson is an American saint because he wrote the words ‘all men are created equal.’ Words he clearly didn’t believe since he allowed his own children to live in slavery. He was a rich wine snob who was sick of paying taxes to the Brits. So yeah, he wrote some lovely words and aroused the rabble and they went out and died for those words while he sat back and drank his wine and fucked is slave girl. (Pointing to TV screen where Barack Obama is giving his 2008 presidential acceptance speech.) This guy wants to tell me we’re living in a community? Don’t make me laugh. I’m living in America and in America you’re on your own. America is not a country, it’s just a business. Now fucking pay me!

I reckon this movie should appeal to libertarians everywhere, especially the ones blinded by their beliefs. Indeed. The #americant way. My the blind lead the blinded. Or something like that.