“First off, ninjas do not leave you warning letters,” Ninja Vicki says. “The only letter you’ll ever get from a ninja is to distract you while we jump down from the ceiling and slit your throat.”

This is true. Ninja Vicki does not write letters or use the postal system at all. If she wants to invite you to her birthday party, she will break into your house and tell you about it herself. Or stick a knife in your door if you’re not home.

“Also, the letters said ‘Shinobi will stop your cruel and sadistic intentions with justified yet, merciful force,'” Ninja Vicki continues. “Ninjas do not use merciful force. There is nothing merciful about me sinking a shuriken into someone’s throat. That ain’t mercy. That’s ninja.”

She’s right. A shuriken to the throat. That’s so ninja. Hmm… that phrase would look good on a T-shirt.

“And like I’ve said before, the number one reason these are not real ninjas… they were seen,” says Ninja Vicki. “No one sees me unless I want them to. And if they do see me when I don’t want them to, they’re dead.”

Whether ninjas fight crime is a matter of choice for each individual ninja. In Vicki’s case, she’s usually too busy stealing or assassinating to stop crime. Besides, that’s what we have Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic for.