Well, it's come to the point where I can no longer give this award out single-handedly. But the last thing I wanted to do was call in just anyone. Fortunately, we got the scheduling done at the last second, and he's right here, ready for the presentation.

Ladies and gentlemen, BigSoccer is proud to present the 2009 CONCACAF Player of the Year award, hosted by myself, with our special guest, Santa Claus.

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Ho ho ho! Or, should I say, ho ho DE RO! WOO! THIS IS OUR HOUSE!

Thank you, Santa! Well, as you can see, Santa is a fan-

You ********ing got that right!

And especially this time of year-

Nah, the job's a ********ing doddle. Just between you and me, the elves do most of the work. All I do is sign for the reindeer steroids, and then it's just me and the ********ing Russian Air Force!

That's interesting, I didn't know-

There's only room for ONE Red killing machine on Christmas!

It's a very- wait, killing machine?

Sometimes, Santa's gotta regulate.

That's a little-

Then by 12:20, I'm pounding the leftover Christmas ale watching elf porn, while the Commies are whining "Wait 'til next year" like a ********ing Leafs fan. Good ********ing times.

Okay, that's something I didn't-

Kidding! ********, I'm kidding you! Lighten up! 'Tis the season! I haven't killed a Russian in, gotta be three years now. Here, have some elf porn. Look at the pointy ears on that one, huh?

Well, we should really get on with the presentation. Now, I've been giving out the CONCACAF Player of the Year award for a few years-

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I looked at your list.

Did you check it twice?

Shut the ******** up. I looked at your list. Pretty heavy on the Yanks, considering you didn't learn to kick the ball forwards until the year 2001. There are other countries in the region, you ********ing BIGOT.

Okay, why don't you tell us who you voted for this year.

DE RO! DEEEEEEEE RO!

Okay, seriously-

DE RO! Now and forever! Best ********ing player ever.

Oh, come on, Toronto didn't even make the playoffs, and De Rosario didn't-

******** you, Seppo! THIS IS OUR HOUSE!

I'm gonna need a little more than "seppo" in order to-

You know what "seppo" means, don't you?

I know what it means.

Seppo. Septic tank. Yank.

I said I know what it means.

At least De Rosario can make a PENALTY KICK when it COUNTS.

This isn't 2007, you know.

No, it isn't! In 2007, you needed the refs' help for the Gold Cup! Refs didn't help you this year, huh? Bet you couldn't hear the whistle over all the Mexicans yelling "BOHICA!"

But the Gold Cup-

You know what "BOHICA" means, don't you?

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I know what it means.

It means "Bend Over - Here It Comes Again!" HO HO HO!

I know what it means. I just think the Confederations Cup trumps the Gold Cup.

You're getting coal in your stocking next year. Straight from my heart, ********er! You know what coal in your stocking is? It's a bullet from a ********ing gun, ********er! You receive coal in your stocking from me, and you're ********ed forever! You understand, ********? I'll send you straight to hell, ********er!... In dreams... I walk with you. In dreams... I talk to you. In dreams, you're mine... all the time. Forever.

...what the hell was that?

It's from my one-man tribute to David Lynch. I call it "Red Velvet."

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You're a strange person.

At least I don't have a ********ing man-crush on Landon ********ing Donovan. If I ever need a brown-nosed reindeer, I'll know who to call.

Do you even have a vote for Women's Player of the Year?

Sinclair! Best player ever!

You didn't see the Gold Pride this year, did you?

The what?

That's what I thought.

Oh, I suppose you're going to give it to Hope Solo.

No, I'm going with Rampone.

But the United Seppo Soccer Federation gave the award to Hope Solo.

Well, they don't take into account WPS.

You know what "seppo" means, don't you?

I do. You said already.

Well, how come when Landon wins your fed's award, it counts, but when Solo does, it doesn't?

Because I think US Soccer gave Hope Solo this award as an apology for what happened in the 2007 World Cup. She was a pariah, now she's back in the-