Sharing personal ponderings, anecdotes and lessons in God's truth

My experience of miscarriage and what I am learning about love

I would like to write about a topic that I understand is quite controversial for a number of reasons. But never the less it is a topic close to my heart and one I feel deserves attention and examination. It’s about children dying, and in particular through miscarriage and abortion. I just want to acknowledge that I don’t feel I am passing any judgement in what I share, as I have personally experienced a miscarriage, so I am coming from this side of the issue.

From what I have seen in the media, read in books/articles, and observe through my own experience, children appear to be among, if not the worst treated group of individuals currently on the planet. Children around the world suffer every moment at the hands of people who have the ability to choose differently, to choose to love instead of acting from fear. When those of us in Western society think about the suffering of children, perhaps images of starving African babies sucking hopelessly at empty breasts comes to mind, or memories of videos shared on social media of broken little bodies; of families fleeing war-torn chaos clinging to limp bundles.

Of course, this is suffering. This is extreme suffering that children are living day in and day out, beyond many of our worst nightmares. Society generally agrees that it is not loving, nor justifiable, that children be subjected to such conditions (although the evidence around us would suggest that knowledge of these conditions in most cases does not incite within us a sincere desire to change and challenge our own beliefs and actions that contribute to this current terrible state of affairs).

Then, bringing the issue closer to home for us, there is the use of emotional abuse, and often physical violence (yes, I mean smacking!), used within the family home to control and manipulate a child into conforming to what is acceptable behaviour within that family. I have heard that this basically causes the systematic destruction of the real nature of the child, in favour of forcing it to fit a mould that does not confront nor challenge parents and society at large. Often, the damage that is done to children in this way is viewed as part of the construct of a ‘normal childhood’; society doesn’t see there is a problem. But while parents and other adults remain unwilling to confront and heal our own wounds from childhood, and awaken to the damage that we continue to perpetuate because of this, it would seem that the children in our care will continue to be burdened with emotional pain which then becomes their own. You can find a whole heap of valuable information about God’s Truth on parenting, from the Divine Truth teachings here, here and here.

And so I arrive at the subject I want to talk on, and about which I would love to see more truth exposed. As I mentioned earlier, most of us feel moved by the intense suffering we see children experiencing at the hands of war and famine. Many of us may even come to feel the truth that we indeed suffered at the hands of our family of origin in the process of growing up. But I believe that the numbers dwindle greatly in those of us who feel that the approximate 45 million children who are aborted, and the up to 100 million children who are miscarried – almost 150 million children every year – have suffered; despite this number accounting for the greatest portion of children who die annually because of decisions made that were not within their control.

Now, I can’t speak personally about abortion as it is not an experience I have had, but I have experienced a miscarriage. And to be honest, I have not fully healed the emotional reasons for this occurring, nor have I experienced the full process of repentance over the harm I have caused. However, whilst I am conscious there is more I need to learn on the subject personally, I feel that what I have come to realise, what I have been taught, and what I have experienced, could be useful to share.

In April 2013, I was not in a very good place emotionally. I was in a failing relationship; I was constantly enraged that I wasn’t getting “loved” (my version of what love should be, which is basically “just make me feel good about myself”; not real love), I was feeling justified in my angry demanding stance, and living in a desperate need to control everything in my environment to avoid the looming sense of terror at what a potential relationship breakdown was going to feel like. I was 27 years old, staring down the barrel of what had somehow become the great, dreaded, and terrifying ‘alone’. Inside of my soul I could feel (and still do) some very strong false beliefs about what it means to be a ‘good woman’, a ‘successful woman’, or a woman with any value, that have come down through my family’s inter-generational emotional condition.

A good woman has a family and has created a home. A successful woman has it together, is worldly, interesting, and “cool”.

A valuable woman is a mother.

Anything less than this state felt like utter failure to me, and my internal feel-like-a-failure-button was being poked painfully, again and again.

So it was within this emotional environment that, through a process I do not understand, we desired a new soul into our lives. I knew I was pregnant early on; I could feel it. I didn’t tell my partner straight away, but already I could feel something going on inside of me emotionally – something scary and exciting. So when I got the positive test, I had already decided that this was going to be exactly what I needed in my life. I could feel my partner didn’t share my enthusiasm, but that didn’t matter to me – I wanted this baby. This baby had the potential to change everything for us, we could start fresh, find a new place to live, build a life together. I would finally feel like I had a role to play, like I had somewhere to fit in within our family structures, like I had something to give and a place to fill in the world. I wouldn’t be a no-one anymore, I’d be someone. I’d be a mother.

In the two weeks or so that I knew for certain there was a little person growing inside of me, I had intellectually re-created myself. I had effectively pulled a pretty rug over the smelly pile of pain inside my heart, given myself another reason not to go there. I had also strangely developed an unhealthy obsession with the possibility of miscarriage – something I barely even knew about prior to my pregnancy – and was determined that that would not happen to me. I was not going to lose this baby.

This baby had a job to do, a role to play; I could not afford to lose it.

And therein lay the problem.

Miscarriage is not arbitrary. It is not something unavoidable that happens to unlucky parents-to-be. As much as I believe society wishes it to be, miscarriage is not a medical anomaly, or something to be evaded through diet and lifestyle changes. Miscarriage, as I have experienced it, occurs as a direct result of the emotional environment in which a new, highly sensitive and receptive soul, finds itself after conception.

In our case, I believe our child passed as a direct result of the demands I placed on it to fix me, to fix my life, to give me a sense of worth, and from the fear-based environment both my partner and I had created and proceeded to project onto the child. The decision I made which caused my child – God’s child – to pass into the spirit world at the tender age of 4 or 5 weeks old, was to not feel my emotional pain and release it, and instead continue to demand, overtly and covertly, that others make it go away for me. The exact emotional cause I imagine varies between people who experience miscarriages, and is dependent on the different unresolved emotions we each carry inside us. It was not my awareness of the pregnancy alone which led me to project my pain and demands on the child – the feelings were already inside of me, already projecting out onto the world. I think this is how women can miscarry without even knowing they’re pregnant; it’s the feelings we already carry inside our hearts which cause harm.

I don’t know if I can accurately describe in words how it felt to realise I was having a miscarriage, and then tread water through the following minutes, hours, days and weeks. There was a jumble of shock, fear, and deep sadness, but also a lot of intense pain around having my fantasy dream life ripped away from me. Having a child had quickly become an addiction to help me avoid my fear, and in the gulf that followed her passing, I had no other addictions, no substitutions that I could turn to that were powerful enough to adequately numb my fear which had been there all along . I had moments of touching what I can only describe as a black hole of terror, which in hindsight is probably where I needed to let myself go in order to allow true healing and release of my emotional pain which caused the miscarriage, and much of my unhappiness.

Interestingly, I discovered that the fears that came up so intensely for me during and after the miscarriage were the same fears I was trying so hard to suppress prior to and during my pregnancy – I was afraid to feel how much of a complete and utter failure I felt as a woman. The miscarriage brought these emotions into high-definition focus.

I still have heaps of grief to feel around this issue, and I haven’t yet even fully grieved the loss of this child because it feels to me to be so closely linked to my feelings of low self-worth, and I’m pretty resistive to going there! I still spend most of my time acting in ways which help to keep me away from those feelings, even though I have been taught that real, long-lasting healing comes through experiencing all of our emotions in a sincere way. As Mary Luck expresses:

‘Our emotions truly begin to change and shift in the moment we fully surrender to them. I don’t need to make sense of them. If I trust the process and long to God for Truth and Love as I go through them, my emotions guide me to a place of more understanding and freedom.’

Something else I really want to add is that from what I have heard, and through some of my own discoveries, there exists a spirit world, where all who pass from the earth live, including children who, from the moment of conception, are souls with individual and unique personalities and natures. I have heard that all miscarried and aborted children are assigned to special nurses and carers in the spirit world who nurture them through the difficult feelings they have as a result of their early passing (you can hear more about this in these interviews with AJ Miller about abortion and miscarriage; part 1 and part 2). I think it’s really beyond words that God is so good as to allow for this, and yet this does not mean that those of us who make direct choices – or force another to make choices – that lead to another person’s death do not shoulder the responsibility – we do. But I think what I am realising at least with my head if not yet with my heart, through the help of the Divine Truth teachings, is that God wants to lovingly help us through the process of becoming fully responsible human beings – responsible for our emotions and the choices and decisions we make as a result, not through punishment and judgement, but through love, compassion and kindness*.

Some time ago when I opened up a little to the pain around my miscarriage again, I felt a strong desire to know how my child is. I lay on my bed with my eyes shut, and had the experience of being led by a loving and kind person, perhaps one such spirit nurse or a guide, down a pathway of sorts. I felt nervous and afraid.

We arrived at an archway, through which was pouring such intense light I felt blinded, and I felt I could not enter. The feeling I had was that my child, by then almost 3, was through that archway, and they were happy – it was only I myself who stopped me from entering. This was overwhelming for me, there was just such love and kindness – more than I felt I could handle. How I interpreted this experience is that it showed me what a loving gift God has given us to be able to have a relationship with our children, dependent on our will to love, even while we live in different locations within the universe**. I have no doubt, though, that my child suffered pain as a result of her early death, the pain of not feeling loved, and of not experiencing life on earth the way God intended, and for this I must come to desire to take all due responsibility.

Of course, the best possible outcome would be that we no longer chose to abort our children because we are afraid, and that we all heal our emotional injuries that would lead to the miscarriage of a child. I have a feeling that would be the most loving thing we could choose to do for our unborn children.

Imagine if there were more loving systems in place to assist parents who are considering abortion, or who are at risk of miscarriage, to create a better outcome for their child – places where we could work together, as one human family, to care for God’s children however that may look.

I really do feel that if people knew the truth about children as truly unique souls, and the effect our emotions have on them from the moment of conception, it may change how we make decisions, and how we choose to view events. This comes with no judgment, I don’t believe, as I am someone who has been involved in a child’s early passing, and have felt some of the pain associated with such an event.

I still have much work to do, but hearing truth about these issues has helped me.

*I still dump a lot of my unresolved feelings about my parents onto God, and so am yet to fully feel what it is like to embrace and trust in these qualities of God.

**I do not yet have a relationship with my child as far as I am aware. I still have unresolved feelings and beliefs about myself and the spirit world which I think might prevent this. But I think wow, what a seriously cool opportunity! (For some more info on the sleep state from the Divine Truth teachings click here).

Jesus and Mary have provided an abundance of information about abortion, miscarriage, the spirit world, and emotional processing which you can find on their website: