Choosing a Jewish Future

Why my husband and I decided to send our kids to a Jewish day school, despite the financial hardship and secular upbringing.

Coming from secular Jewish backgrounds, sending our children to a Jewish day school wasn't something we thought about when we began our family. As an American with an Israeli husband, we felt a strong connection to Israel and certainly to our Jewish identity, but we were not observant and definitely lacking in knowledge. Why honor traditions and practice aspects of Judaism if you don't know why? What meaning does prayer have for you if you can't understand the words or the deeper meaning behind them?

Why honor traditions and practice aspects of Judaism if you don't know why?

From the beginning of our marriage, we lit candles on Shabbat, blessed the wine, and the challah mostly because we wanted to provide our son (my husband was a widower with a toddler when we married) with a traditional Friday night dinner. This was something we both had early on in our respective childhoods, but that sort of faded out in our families while we grew up. Since we now lived and worked in New York City, the Friday night dinner tradition was mainly a calming way to complete our week, as opposed to a more spiritual experience.

As our family grew, we moved to New Jersey and became friendly with the local orthodox rabbi and his wife who lived around the corner from us. Through our friendship, we observed their lives and connection to their community and we started to develop a greater level of Jewish understanding. We began attending some services and events at their synagogue where we felt Judaism was brought alive. And we started to learn. We drove to their shul on Shabbat but they welcomed us. We didn't keep kosher but they appreciated our efforts to provide something they could eat at our house.

Our children attended their preschool and Hebrew school, so when our daughter was finishing kindergarten at a public school, we began discussing the idea of her future Jewish education.

We know all the statistics regarding assimilation and we began to understand from our own experience of slowly taking on more observances, that understanding why we have certain traditions and laws in Judaism is essential to the decision to practice them. By now, we had begun keeping Shabbat -- we didn't drive, didn't cook, no TV, and we were contemplating koshering our kitchen. We looked at a conservative day school but it just didn't touch us and we wondered if the local modern orthodox yeshiva would be too Jewish.

And then, of course, was the issue of cost. We live in a New Jersey town with good public schools. Why would we consider putting that financial burden on ourselves?

But, encouraged by a teacher at the yeshiva who we knew, we went on a tour. For me, it was a completely unknown world: Hebrew writing throughout the school, pictures of Israel and banners commemorating the school's participation in Israeli day parades of the past, the beautiful sound of school children singing in Hebrew echoed in the hallways.

So many questions went through my head as we walked through the school and after we left:

If we decided to send our child here, could we afford it? How would I help her with her Judaic studies homework? Would I be the only mother who looked liked me -- wearing pants and not covering my hair? Our kitchen was not kosher, how would we invite her friends from school to our house? And what will my family, already puzzled by our desire to become more observant, think of this decision?

I think that if you get to this place, a place where you find you have the desire to give your children more than what you had -- a deeper connection to Israel, a true love and understanding of Judaism and Hebrew, and a true love and understanding of Jewish law -- you can find solutions to all your questions and move beyond your fears. Some of these I figured out right away, but for others it was only once I became a part of the school community that I knew there was a place for me.

"Mommy, aren't you embarrassed that I can read and write Hebrew better than you can?"

Finances

Surprisingly, even with the financial crunch most day schools find themselves in today, there are still funds to help families subsidize the cost of their children's education. That's obviously on a case-by-case basis, but if finances are the biggest obstacle, then I encourage you to apply for some sort of financial assistance through the school, even if you think you may not qualify.

My own lack of knowledge

I found that I am far from the only parent of a child in the school who did not have a Jewish day school education. So the school's philosophy on homework is that the children should be able to do it on their own -- based on lessons in the classroom. My daughter, who is now in third grade, recently asked me, "Aren't you embarrassed that my first grade brother and I can read and write Hebrew better than you can?" I replied in a heartbeat, "Absolutely not. Parents should always want their children to be better than they are and I am no different. I am so proud of what you can do and the great thing is that you are teaching me."

We don't keep a kosher home

For the first two years, it was easy enough to buy kosher snacks that we could serve to our daughter's guests. And this past year we made the decision to kosher our kitchen just before Rosh Hashanah -- it seemed like a good way to start the new year. I'm not going to kid you, it was a big undertaking but well worth it. My daughter said to me after it was all done and our labels affixed to cabinets around the kitchen so we all remember what's for milk and what's for meat, "I think when I have my own kitchen, I'll make it kosher from the start. No need to go through all of this work for something I know I'll want anyway." That comment alone made it all worthwhile.

We needed to do much more for our children than simply tell them "you have to marry someone Jewish."

What will our family think?

This can be one of the touchiest questions anyone faces who begins to live an even a slightly more Jewish life than the one they had as a child. As I look at my family -- siblings, cousins and their children -- I see the correlation between the level of religious upbringing they were provided and the choices they make regarding whom they marry and how they raise their own families. My husband and I saw clearly that we needed to do much more for our children than simply tell them "you have to marry someone Jewish" -- something so many of us heard as children but, without understanding or knowledge, was always pretty meaningless. We believed that a Jewish education could give them a solid foundation upon which they would build their lives.

As we sat around the Seder table this year, I thought about my 30-minute Seders as a child which consisted of the reciting the four questions, reading the plagues, and eating the various ceremonial foods from the Seder plate before anxiously welcoming the "festive meal" at about 6:30pm. Our family's Seder this year was quite different and our children came prepared with the Haggadahs they had made or studied from at school and their matzah plate and cover, a pillow cover, their own Seder plates. But more than any arts and crafts project, they came with an understanding of what we were celebrating. They knew the story of Passover, the lessons it teaches us on a much more spiritual level, and the significance it holds for us as Jews today with the freedom to learn and live Judaism in our everyday lives.

They stayed up with us until 1:00am, leading and singing Hebrew songs, sharing their knowledge with us and many secular guests and family members. Our children were a tremendous source of pride and joy, not only to us as parents but to everyone who came to our Seder. My husband and I appreciated the value of sending them to a Jewish day school. We understood that the education they are receiving gives them the "why" we Jews do what we do, and resets the course of Jewish legacy in our family tree.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 20

(20)
ruthie,
May 18, 2009 9:53 PM

Now with my daughters both almost 18 and 21 I cannot regret my choice to send them to public school and Hebrew School. I can only now share my renewed love of Judaism and new passion for the Chabad which is our community. I do however acknowledge the Marmours journey and the opportunity they took to make great decisions regarding their children's Jewish upbringing. Kudos.

(19)
chana rosenblum,
May 8, 2009 10:27 AM

the right choice

It was a very heart warming story and gives inspiration to us all. Thank you for the article

(18)
Yocheved,
May 7, 2009 7:56 PM

Beautiful

THis was truly beautiful. May G-d bless you and your wonderful family.

(17)
Hillel Levin,
May 7, 2009 11:00 AM

Funding Jewish Education

Same question different spin: Why don't Jews spend more money funding Jewish Education, instead they support the arts, science, 'social justice' you name it Jews fund it.
Why not ask the question: Why are Jews still living in the United States and not making Aliyah. A Jewish education for our children here is a government funded school system.
Come home save money on tuition.

(16)
chanayo,
May 6, 2009 9:53 PM

Gr8 article Sharon!!

We grew up with public school education & after school hebrew school ... as did my son, but my daughter wanted modern-orthodox school starting in kindergarten and although we know the time will come that someone won't be able to help with her homework, we are so happy we made the decision.

(15)
benjy,
May 6, 2009 1:19 PM

suggestion

there is a great orginazation which often helps parents with $ for tuition & many other areas. visit www.oorah.org

(14)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2009 2:06 AM

believe

this article has helped me believe i too can do it. thank you.

(13)
mel waterman,
May 5, 2009 5:52 PM

great

What great people you are

(12)
Esther,
May 5, 2009 3:54 PM

Why can't the Jewish community fund Jewish education?

This seems to be a major trop in the comments to this piece. We are the wealthiest Jewish community in history, but we're losing over half our children each year to assimilation and intermarriage. Jewish education has been shown to be the most effective "cure", yet we don't fund it! Why can't we take a page from the Catholic church, and allocate communal funds to subsidize our Jewish day schools (which currently cost about $15,000 per child per year). My Catholic neighbor tells me her kids' Catholic school is funded by the central Catholic church, and she pays $2,000 per child per year! What a difference!

(11)
Rachel,
May 5, 2009 12:58 PM

I am for Jewish day school for my kidz

I would like to send my kids to a good day school no matter the financial difficulty, but my husband does not. He is from northern Russia where Judaism was heavily supressed. He just knows that he is Jewish but nothing else to our beautiful religion. Therefore this is foreign to him. I pray one day we will be able to send our 2 kids to jewish day school. By the way I am also from Russia, but from the south where Judaism florished and I remember making matza with my grandmother Hannah G-d Bless her, every passover.
My advice to all out there financial burden should never stop you from sending your kids to a jewish day school.

(10)
Miriam,
May 5, 2009 9:47 AM

to Rachel-#5

I read your comment, and I have friends in a similar predicament. My friend tried the following option, and was happy. She pays a private tutor to teach her children Judaic Studies one-on-one. Her kids love it and they're learning alot. You may ask around in your synagogue for someone good-possibley a teacher in the Orthodox day school. Good luck!

(9)
elisheva,
May 5, 2009 9:44 AM

ALT-JEWISH EDUCATION IS WORTH IT

I know Jewish education is expensive.But as I ask people -what is more important to spend your money on than a Jewish education for your children?-to assure your children know what being Jewish is all about and develop at least some of their spirtual potenetial? If that means giving up the maid,the $10,000 or more bar mitzvah ,the expensive vacations or even going out to eat--it's worth it!!Also , there are organizations to help the not-yet-observant send their kids to Jewish schools-contact Oorah

(8)
ALT,
May 4, 2009 9:00 PM

LBP - I Hear Ya!

My sister would like to send her kids to a day school but the financial burden is too great. What a shame, this problem may trump assimilation as the latest threat to Jewish continuity. Such a shame, since so many "new" to Jewish observance need the help and support.

(7)
JDMDad,
May 4, 2009 8:31 AM

Same here...

My daughter is in Gan this year, and already Bentches better then me, knows Hebrew better than me (even though I took a few classes at the JCC) etc. I'm so proud, and slightly envious of her. Of course I worry about when her sister starts in school as well, hopefully we'll qualify for aid. But just seeing all that they are getting that I never had, I'll do what I can to make sure they keep getting it.

(6)
Chanya,
May 4, 2009 3:25 AM

to #3 - LBP

I completely understand the financial issue. Unfortunately, although most day schools still are a lot less expensive than a typical secular private school, they are nonetheless out of reach of many absent financial aid. This is a growing problem, and I hope that in the future, a way presents itself to you that makes it possible for your children to again be in a Jewish day school.
In the meantime, however, I think it is unfair to simply say that public school is "so far superior" to the day school. It may be that this particular public school is superior to this particular day school in terms of secular academic achievement. However, there are so many day schools across the U.S. with an incredibly rigorous curriculum, whose students score at the top of national standardized tests, go on to the best colleges, etc. So if one were to generalize at all, day schools as a rule provide a superior education to a typical public school.
More to the point, I can appreciate that your children, at such a young age, still have a strong Jewish identity. The questions parents must ask themselves however, are whether that will still be the case 10-15 years from now based on their current Jewish experiences, whether they are more or less likely to ultimately have a strong Jewish identity after years of day school or after years of public school, and - if they have a strong Jewish identity, then whether after years of public school they will truly have a solid base of knowledge to sustain that identity over the long term. I wish you and your children much success in creating and sustaining a meaningful Jewish life.

(5)
Rachel,
May 3, 2009 6:47 PM

and why we had to discontinue day school for our kids

In my community, there is a very high-achievement-oriented non-Orthodox day school that was academically too difficult for my kids. And the Orthodox schools were too heavy on Hebrew and my non-Hebrew-educated husband and I just couldn't help. After years of frustration and failure in Jewish schools, our kids are now in public schools, much to my dismay. They are thriving academically but not Judaically. We belong to an Orthodox shul which has no afternoon or weekend Hebrew school b/c the assumption is that all members' kids go to day school. We are at a loss and hope and pray that other solutions can be found.

(4)
Anonymous,
May 3, 2009 6:04 PM

It goes both ways

Mrs. Marmour, it's beautiful how willing you and your husband are to learn from the children. They, in turn, are learning from you, too: how to be people who are not stagnating, willing to grow, to recognize truth, to go the extra mile, to follow and stand up for your beliefs and to accomplish things even when they are difficult. Your story is very inspirational. People who are religious from childhood also need to learn those traits!

(3)
LBP,
May 3, 2009 1:48 PM

not financially feasible

It is not financially feasible to send kids to day school. I have two kids and did not receive any financial aid. We sent one daughter to day school just for kindergarten ($16,000). The next year we couldn't swing $32,000 for our son to be in K and our daughter in first grade. We send our kids to public school now. There is absolutely no comparison: the public school is so far superior than the day school. By the way, we are shomer Shabbat and Shomer Kashrut and it was quite the controversy when we pulled our kids from day school. Needless to say, other families are following us next year! Guess what? My kids are so proud of being Jewish at their school. Their friends are so respectful. They have such a strong Jewish identity!

(2)
kerensarah,
May 3, 2009 11:35 AM

Timely Story!

Thank you so much for sharing this! I am currently going through the same situation with my own daughter who is in second grade. May all of our children and grandchildren greatly exceed our own jewish education!

(1)
Esther,
May 3, 2009 8:47 AM

We feared a negative reaction from our families, too,

when we decided to send our kids to an Orthodox day school. We'd become more observant over the years, but I don't think our families noticed it too much - or at least they didn't take it seriously.
When we announced we were sending our kids to Orthodox day school, however, our parents, siblings and other relatives were shocked - and wasted no time telling us what a terrible idea it was!
We found, however, that within a few months all their negative comments died down. When it became clear that our kids were getting a good education and were happy, relatives stopped voicing criticism and instead accepted our decision.
Mrs. Marmour is spot-on with this article. We, too, have found a great community of like-minded parents in our kids' school. While cost is always a big worry, there are scholarships. Also, because everybody in the school is mindful of this expense, people tend to have a down-to-earth philosophy about money and frugality that is refreshing.
Regarding the issues of Shabbat and keeping kosher: if any readers are on the fence about sending their kids to day school because they aren't comepletely Shabbat- or kosher-observant yet, I wouldn't worry. Most Orthodox schools ask that families serve store-bought (kosher) foods at events like birthday parties to avoid any issues about keeping kosher. In every school, there is a range of practice, and a recognition that different families have different standards, it's expected. (Just look around any PTA meeting: some parents look like they stepped out of "Fiddler on the Roof" and others like they came from Abercrombie and Fitch- albeit with baseball caps for the dads.)
Mrs. Marmour's point about homework is also important. My husband and I can't always help our kids with their Hebrew homework either, but I think that fosters self-reliance in our kids. Also, it is important to note, that sending our kids to Orthodox school has given us as powerful incentive to learn more about Judaism ourselves, so we can keep up with the increasingly sophisticated knowledge of our kids!
Bottome line: if you care about being Jewish, the only way to share this commitment with your kids is to put your money where your mouth is and send them to a real Jewish school. It will give them the knowledge they need to be Jewish, it will set them up with a religious community they'll have all their lives. And it will signal to them that you value being Jewish and want them to be Jewish too!

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

With stories and insights,
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