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Opinion: On the Campaign Couch ... with JB

Q: A head of account management writes: I've hired a graduate trainee signed to start in September. Last night, I found my way on to his Facebook profile where I was flabbergasted by photos of his spare-time activities and the company he keeps. Is it wrong to withdraw the offer, which he has already accepted? And what excuse do I give if I do?

A: You say you found your way on to his Facebook profile as if you
accidentally took a wrong turning in Soho and suddenly found yourself
taking part in an orgy, m'lud. But why dissemble? You went looking - and
why not? That's exactly what he wanted you to do. People concerned to
keep their private lives private don't run Facebook profiles.

If you knew as much about the rest of your staff as you now know about
your new recruit, you probably wouldn't have hired any of them.
Ignorance may not be positively blissful, but it doesn't keep you awake
at night.

Only if his activities are clearly criminal should you pause for
thought. Otherwise, take him on with a light heart. The agency business,
as all seem agreed, could do with a few new characters.

Q: Dear Jeremy, I've got this client, his business is worth a lot of
money to my agency, but I hate him. And he has just decided to become a
vegan, so taking him to lunch - which used to be the only way of getting
him to be quiet - has even become a nightmare. What should I do?

A: You're not allowed to hate clients, particularly profitable ones.
Creative people and account planners often huddle over drinks and wonder
bitterly what account executives are for. Some new agencies try doing
without them altogether. But account executives have an essential,
irreplaceable role: they are there to love clients. If you can't do
that, you're in the wrong job.

Every agency person has a shortlist of angelic clients and a rather
longer list of nightmare ones. Most client companies, however
principled, occasionally find themselves with unfortunate marketing
staff. They get appointed, they look upon their marketing budgets as
evidence of personal stature, they call supplier reviews, they bring
critical marketing activity to a halt, they destroy decades of painfully
built trust and understanding - and then they get fired.

This mayhem has to be managed - and that's what account executives are
for: to remain best friends with nightmare clients until they're fired;
yet stay personally uncontaminated and still on good terms with the
client companies' chief executives. It's the hardest job in
advertising.

All you've got to manage is a boring vegan. There are agency account
executives across the world who would kill for your job. Count your
blessings or take up llama farming.

Q: The head of a design agency writes: Our parent company has just
bought a stake in one of London's biggest creative shops. I'm keen to
get our relationship off to the best possible start and also see if I
can make some inroads into their clients. Should I lunch them? Throw a
party? Or is there a more subtle way to mark our start as group
partners?

A: If the management of this creative shop happens to read your letter
it will confirm them in their worst fears. "Making inroads" isn't your
most judicious choice of phrase.

This is how they see you. You are a design company; that means you
thrash about for 18 months doing spurious research and then send in a
bill for three million quid for a new corporate logo that could have
been sketched on the back of a beer-mat in the time it took to pull a
pint of Guinness.

And now, because of this wholly involuntary new kinship, you will expect
them to introduce you enthusiastically to their most valued clients -
where all you can do is damage.

Now, stop whimpering. I didn't say this was fair or accurate. I just
said this is how they see you. This is your starting position. Throwing
a party for them would simply bear out their belief that you were a
bunch of posey poncers.

So let me introduce you to a revolutionary marketing principle. Ask not
what they can do for you; instead, ask what you might be able to do for
them. Take them through the work you do for your clients, analysing all
existing creative agency relationships, and offering, when the
opportunity seems ripe, to effect introductions.

They will be taken aback - and after only a year or two, might even
consider reciprocating. They'll also have learned what you really
do.