Miliband's new moustache is set to ensure that he has the credentials to command respect as Labour leader and look like an adult as well.

“David Millipede, ahem, I mean Miliband, has grown a furry caterpillar above his top lip. He says it’s the first one he has managed to grow and it took many months of careful pruning. I definitely think he is now a major contender for the Labour top job,” Reginald Ginster, the Labour party’s official press officer told the Mirror.

The upcoming Labour contest to find the party’s new leader is set to be a stonking affair.

“Balls is in the running as is the other Miliband brother, but we’ve also heard that Gordon Brown wants to jump back into the fray again and get his old job back,” Mr Ginster added.

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