guilt, shame, and acceptance

There are some posts on similar topics, but none address exactly this, so hopefully rehashing some old (and common) topics is ok. And besides, none of the other threads are about me.

I'm 30ish, and have been a DL for as long as I can remember - I remember trying on a diaper I found when I was about 4, and being obsessed by them in elementary school - I won't go into details since it's probably a familiar story. I'm not much of an AB, but that could be lack of opportunity to indulge - a pacifier sounds like it could be fun, although I don't think I'd be into the role-playing side of it.

I've always tried to fight the feelings, but recently decided that's silly and I would probably feel better if I stopped trying to fight it and accepted that I like diapers. Maybe it's similar to a binge/purge cycle, but so far I've always been on the purge side.

So I recently bought some goodnites (yeah, I know I should get diapers that actually fit - I'm still embarrassed about buying them, even though I know I shouldn't be, and can't order online yet due to my living situation). It was the first time I wore and used diapers since I was potty trained, other than some attempts at a makeshift diaper with towels and safety pins, although I never wet those. I liked them, although I was half hoping I wouldn't and I'd be able to put this to rest, but no luck there.

I still feel guilty about it, however. Joining adisc has helped, and sometimes I feel relaxed and accepting of myself - it's a wonderful feeling. But then the guilt and shame come back.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had a more standard BDSM kink, like bondage, whips, spanking, etc. Then again, maybe that's because that's not my thing, and if it were I'd be embarrassed and feel guilty about that instead.

Part of this I'm sure is that I haven't told my SO. I do feel a little guilty about this since I feel I haven't been completely honest (although I've never lied about it), but in my defense I've been trying to suppress my DL tendencies until recently and hoping that they go away. I am planning on telling her, but I think I need to come to terms with it myself first.

I'm starting to ramble, so here are some questions. How did you come to terms with your AB/DL side, especially if you tried to suppress it for a while (or a long time, as the case may be)? And does anyone have opinions as to whether the guilt/shame is about liking diapers, or more generally from liking someting that is non-standard?

There are some posts on similar topics, but none address exactly this, so hopefully rehashing some old (and common) topics is ok. And besides, none of the other threads are about me.

I'm 30ish, and have been a DL for as long as I can remember - I remember trying on a diaper I found when I was about 4, and being obsessed by them in elementary school - I won't go into details since it's probably a familiar story. I'm not much of an AB, but that could be lack of opportunity to indulge - a pacifier sounds like it could be fun, although I don't think I'd be into the role-playing side of it.

I've always tried to fight the feelings, but recently decided that's silly and I would probably feel better if I stopped trying to fight it and accepted that I like diapers. Maybe it's similar to a binge/purge cycle, but so far I've always been on the purge side.

So I recently bought some goodnites (yeah, I know I should get diapers that actually fit - I'm still embarrassed about buying them, even though I know I shouldn't be, and can't order online yet due to my living situation). It was the first time I wore and used diapers since I was potty trained, other than some attempts at a makeshift diaper with towels and safety pins, although I never wet those. I liked them, although I was half hoping I wouldn't and I'd be able to put this to rest, but no luck there.

I still feel guilty about it, however. Joining adisc has helped, and sometimes I feel relaxed and accepting of myself - it's a wonderful feeling. But then the guilt and shame come back.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had a more standard BDSM kink, like bondage, whips, spanking, etc. Then again, maybe that's because that's not my thing, and if it were I'd be embarrassed and feel guilty about that instead.

Part of this I'm sure is that I haven't told my SO. I do feel a little guilty about this since I feel I haven't been completely honest (although I've never lied about it), but in my defense I've been trying to suppress my DL tendencies until recently and hoping that they go away. I am planning on telling her, but I think I need to come to terms with it myself first.

I'm starting to ramble, so here are some questions. How did you come to terms with your AB/DL side, especially if you tried to suppress it for a while (or a long time, as the case may be)? And does anyone have opinions as to whether the guilt/shame is about liking diapers, or more generally from liking someting that is non-standard?

I have been a active DL on and off for years and I feel the same way as you just that one moment I am really enjoying the moment and then once its over I feel really really really guilty. I have not found anything yet to get rid of that feeling sadly and a few times I stopped it dead, so I am intrested in the replies you get.

How did you come to terms with your AB/DL side, especially if you tried to suppress it for a while (or a long time, as the case may be)? And does anyone have opinions as to whether the guilt/shame is about liking diapers, or more generally from liking someting that is non-standard?

It takes a while to accept anything that seems to be out of the ordinary. But when it keeps coming back, it does more harm than good to continually push the desires back. It will tend to drive a wedge between you and the people closest to you. Those that know you best will pick up on your guilt and guardedness.

I remember that when I finally told my parents I was gay, the conversation wasn't so much about me being gay but more about now they understood why i was pulling away from them and being so guarded in everything I do. I had to be mentally ready to be abandon by my parents before i would risk telling them about it. (Nothing to do with fetish/kink/diapers).

So my fear and guilt about it just about caused what I was fearing might happen---loss of support from my parents (emotionally, not financially, i was 22 with college degree and a good job).

So my advice is get more comfortable with who you are and learn to accept your desires as just that....desires. Not guilty desires or deviant/perverted desires, but just desires, not good or bad. Then you may be ready to talk to those closest to you. If you tell them and are completely full of guilt and negative emotions, then they will tune into that. They will assume it is bad because you do. If you are saying "this is who I am and I understand this may be hard to accept" Than you are on a far better position to talk about it in a more positive light. If you present it as difference, neither good nor bad, at least that sets the tone for a positive direction.

I have never felt the need to share my fetish with my parents. I really don't want to know about their fetishes either. But when talking about significant others, I don't see how anyone can be fully satisfied when they have to hide much of who they are from their other half. I guess it might depend on how strong the desires are. The stronger the desire, the bigger the problem.

My turn to ramble.....but I won't feel guilty about rambling 'cause you can stop reading at any time!

one moment I am really enjoying the moment and then once its over I feel really really really guilty

I assume you're talking about masturbating - forgive me that's wrong, in which case I just derailed my own thread.

I think know what you mean by that, but I think that's different - more of a "post coitum omne animal triste" feeling. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about that (that I'm aware of, anyway) other than know that it's coming. Sometimes that helps, especially if I can tell myself that I'm going to feel a bit sad, and that's ok. I don't think it's related to diapers either, or at least it isn't for me.

Good advise from daddy2aboy. I really didn't accept myself until I told my wife, and that was only four and a half years ago, when she discovered my order. Before that, I had to sneak around, which worked when we had different days off, but I felt guilty about doing it, guilty for doing it behind her back, guilty and disgusted with myself. When I told her the truth, she was very accepting and asked if I had enough supplies, if you can imagine that! She bought me a big teddy bear one Christmas, another plushie, several onsies, bib overalls, etc, and this has really helped with how I feel about this.

I don't want to say anything that would ruin your relationship with your SO, so what worked for me might not work for you. Only you have the significant knowledge to make that decision, but if you don't tell her, you will always be on the blade's edge.

I remember that when I finally told my parents I was gay, the conversation wasn't so much about me being gay but more about now they understood why i was pulling away from them and being so guarded in everything I do. I had to be mentally ready to be abandon by my parents before i would risk telling them about it. (Nothing to do with fetish/kink/diapers).

That's a good point. I didn't mean mean for this to be a "how do I tell my SO" thread, but I can see that a lot of that conversation would be about why I didn't tell her earlier, which I wouldn't have thought of.

Originally Posted by daddy2aboy

If you tell them and are completely full of guilt and negative emotions, then they will tune into that. They will assume it is bad because you do. If you are saying "this is who I am and I understand this may be hard to accept" Than you are on a far better position to talk about it in a more positive light. If you present it as difference, neither good nor bad, at least that sets the tone for a positive direction.

This is also very helpful. I hadn't been able to express it as such, but I think this is what I was trying to get at - I'll be more comfortable sharing this with others once I'm more comfortable with it myself.

Originally Posted by daddy2aboy

My turn to ramble.....but I won't feel guilty about rambling 'cause you can stop reading at any time!

There is nothing wrong with rambling. Your thoughts were valuable, and I read the whole thing - more than once .

Originally Posted by dogboy

Good advise from daddy2aboy. I really didn't accept myself until I told my wife, and that was only four and a half years ago, when she discovered my order. Before that, I had to sneak around, which worked when we had different days off, but I felt guilty about doing it, guilty for doing it behind her back, guilty and disgusted with myself. When I told her the truth, she was very accepting and asked if I had enough supplies, if you can imagine that! She bought me a big teddy bear one Christmas, another plushie, several onsies, bib overalls, etc, and this has really helped with how I feel about this.

I don't want to say anything that would ruin your relationship with your SO, so what worked for me might not work for you. Only you have the significant knowledge to make that decision, but if you don't tell her, you will always be on the blade's edge.

I'm fairly confident that conversation will go well. I'll be nervous, of course, but I think ultimately the outcome will be good. Did you just lay it all out there when she found your order? That's why I haven't ordered anything online. How long had you been hiding it before that? I haven't been doing too much sneaking - well, only about one small package of goodnites worth.

How did you come to terms with your AB/DL side, especially if you tried to suppress it for a while (or a long time, as the case may be)? And does anyone have opinions as to whether the guilt/shame is about liking diapers, or more generally from liking someting that is non-standard?

I have had my diaper interests from around age 4 or 5. For me it has been a pretty strong drive that was, as I look back, more prevalent during times of conflict, which was most of my childhood to be sure.

I recall a lot of experiences that, for me, I have been able to compare and combine with a fair bit of understanding of childhood development. For example, I recall several times that I would have a driving desire to be diapered and to mess. In the very early years I had no access to diapers but I distinctly remember being in our upstairs bathroom and lining my underpants with tissue so that I would not make a mess when I messed. I suspect I was about 6 at the time. Every time I would have this amazing nearly euphoric feeling before I did it, and during the act, but then the reality would hit and so would the guilt.

The same was true for me when I was going through puberty, and for years after. And it would not matter if I engaged in self gratification or not. Although, when I did the guilt would fall immediately when I was done.

After a lot of study, introspective consideration and talking with a lot of other members of the community I have come to realize that there are likely two major components to the guilt. The first is more theoretical although has some good basis. Many of these acts, whether there is an AB side or not, are regressive to some degree. This is clearly a subconscious connection back to early childhood when love, nurture, physical touch, etc were all part of the diapering experience. Many of us seem to be drawn to the feelings that are associated with the diapers, hence the subconscious component. Fast forward to our current age there is often a trigger, or triggers, that initiate the desire to be in diapers, wet, play baby or whatever. The theory is that when the trigger is associated with high stress, conflict, trauma, abuse or other similar situations and after engaging in the childish behaviors there comes a point that the realization of an endpoint is reached. If the subconscious need to regress has not been completely fulfilled there are some who report feelings of guild. I have actually had experiences that are consistent with this idea.

Second, and most likely that predominant factor behind the guilt goes back to potty training and later days in our development. At the point of potty training many of us come to the harsh reality, in an emotional fashion, that the diapers are being taken from us with no apparent explanation. Keep in mind that babies associate the diapers with very happy, loving and tender feelings and not anything negative. The vast majority of parents literally shame there children out of diapers by telling them that they are dirty, nasty, etc. sometimes there is humiliation involved, or even punishment. All of this combined creates a very tough very emotional wall. Fast forward to when we engage in diaper play as an AB or DL. Again this is often a very emotionally charged nearly euphoric experience that only lasts for a short time. Once these feelings wear off they are replaced with the feelings of guilt and shame.

Those who went through especially tough potty training a or who were accident prone and were really shamed for the accidents will have the highest degree of associated guilt or shame.

I was a kid before the Internet so I really felt isolated and confused for a very long time. Couple this with abuse and the extreme humiliation that resulted from the couple of times my used diapers were discovered and I had a lot of difficulty. I fought the desires as much as possible but they would always come back no matter what I did. There were times that I went for quite some time without engaging in any way, but again I would always get the strong desire to be in diapers again.

When I was about 30 I finally decided that the diapers were pretty much a part of who I was and that I was unlikely to shake the desires. It was at that point that I gave in and gave myself permission to be a baby when I really needed to. The time since has been a continual journey of acceptance and realization that such a happy part of my life is truly important to me.

Personally I would rule out the idea that the guilt has anything to do with the diapers being non-standard or unusual. A young child that is feeling guilt or shame is too much of a concrete thinker to make such a conclusion, yet the feelings even persist in children. I honestly believe the predominant factor is found in the guilt and shame that parents instill in there children in hopes that it will keep them clean and dry.

Once I came to terms with my diapers I felt something that I had never quite felt before. It was a very liberating very freeing sensation where I knew that the fight and stress associated with the diapers was over. In the time since I have set some personal ground rules and boundaries, something any good child should have.

There are some posts on similar topics, but none address exactly this, so hopefully rehashing some old (and common) topics is ok. And besides, none of the other threads are about me.

I'm 30ish, and have been a DL for as long as I can remember - I remember trying on a diaper I found when I was about 4, and being obsessed by them in elementary school - I won't go into details since it's probably a familiar story. I'm not much of an AB, but that could be lack of opportunity to indulge - a pacifier sounds like it could be fun, although I don't think I'd be into the role-playing side of it.

I've always tried to fight the feelings, but recently decided that's silly and I would probably feel better if I stopped trying to fight it and accepted that I like diapers. Maybe it's similar to a binge/purge cycle, but so far I've always been on the purge side.

So I recently bought some goodnites (yeah, I know I should get diapers that actually fit - I'm still embarrassed about buying them, even though I know I shouldn't be, and can't order online yet due to my living situation). It was the first time I wore and used diapers since I was potty trained, other than some attempts at a makeshift diaper with towels and safety pins, although I never wet those. I liked them, although I was half hoping I wouldn't and I'd be able to put this to rest, but no luck there.

I still feel guilty about it, however. Joining adisc has helped, and sometimes I feel relaxed and accepting of myself - it's a wonderful feeling. But then the guilt and shame come back.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had a more standard BDSM kink, like bondage, whips, spanking, etc. Then again, maybe that's because that's not my thing, and if it were I'd be embarrassed and feel guilty about that instead.

Part of this I'm sure is that I haven't told my SO. I do feel a little guilty about this since I feel I haven't been completely honest (although I've never lied about it), but in my defense I've been trying to suppress my DL tendencies until recently and hoping that they go away. I am planning on telling her, but I think I need to come to terms with it myself first.

I'm starting to ramble, so here are some questions. How did you come to terms with your AB/DL side, especially if you tried to suppress it for a while (or a long time, as the case may be)? And does anyone have opinions as to whether the guilt/shame is about liking diapers, or more generally from liking someting that is non-standard?

So, this your deal is very frecuent. I was in that too, a few times tryed switch off and never reset, but I see it now as suicidal mision. And there's not any nesesary to switch of now: ABDL and BDSM is part of myself, so is for enjoy, not for feeling bad. Bad vision of my thinkgs was based in "it's of babys" and I see it as "it's for everyone who want." Who not - his problem.

Buy things ? "It's for my old grandfather, no ?"

And to binge/purge: Sometimes I switch off for bored. Shit hapens, it always return.

Like most people first I'm not actually comfortable with it. Especially back then I haven't been introduce to Internet and I always thought I'm the only one who likes it. But the feeling keeps coming back. I have a struggle for accepting but then I realized I'm not the only one. And I don't have mental disorder or something. Sure it's hard even at that moment. Purging keep happening. But the feel is irresistible and I finally get to the safe zone early this year I finally realized this is who I am. Why I should denied it?. It's okay for people to be different all of those people who laughs and insult us is stupid people. That is in my mind.

A bit out of topic but now I'm struggling to accept that I'm a gay. It's much harder then accepting ABDL side. Especially since I'm a devout muslim.

Oh and also accepting BDSM and ABDL is the same. It's hard to accept BDSM too. and if you asked me no matter fetish you have there is no fetish that easier to accept than other all of them is hard.

I assume you're talking about masturbating - forgive me that's wrong, in which case I just derailed my own thread.

I think know what you mean by that, but I think that's different - more of a "post coitum omne animal triste" feeling. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about that (that I'm aware of, anyway) other than know that it's coming. Sometimes that helps, especially if I can tell myself that I'm going to feel a bit sad, and that's ok. I don't think it's related to diapers either, or at least it isn't for me.

You didn't derail it I was talking about diapers only not anything sexual so you gig get that part a little wrong as in the past that could be a problem but I simple removed the sexual element away from it, yes I still have fun in them that way some times but much more rare, I was talking about the same thing you was the diaper and feeling wrong to wear or guilty after or before, but don't worry about it I can see why you would of mixed that up you just let out what you do in your diaper HAHAHA