How much sex is normal?

Sexual health therapist

Two of the most common questions I am asked by my clients are "How much sex is normal?" and "What is the average amount of sex that other couples are having?". These sound like simple questions, but there are no right answers.

After all, a couple's sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner's health and sex drive, and most importantly the quality of their relationship. I encourage them to decide what amount is right for them because there's no such thing as "normal".

This issue often comes up when the couple has what is called mismatched libidos. If she likes to have sex four times a week and he only once or twice, they want to find out who is the abnormal one. It is actually quite common for a couple to have different levels of desire and it does not generally reflect a lack of love. Can we really expect to meet somebody who satisfies all the requirements we want in a relationship and who also has exactly the same sex drive?

In the case of mismatched libidos, unfortunately the partner who wants sex more frequently will usually feel rejected and unwanted. Always having to make the first move can be demoralising. However, the partner who wants sex less frequently can often feel pressured and inadequate. This can result in a vicious circle where they often start avoiding sex all together. It sounds unsexy but I advise my clients to schedule sex so the low-libido partner doesn't feel pressured and the higher-libido partner doesn't feel rejected.

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A Kinsey Institute research paper based on psychological studies and surveys concluded that 18 to 29 year olds have sex an average of 112 times a year, 30 to 39 year olds an average of 86 times and 40 to 49 olds an average of 69 times a year. Still, averages mean there are some people above and some people below any given number, and they don't help decide the question of what is right for an individual. I also believe that people who answer sex surveys like to overestimate their performances, to feel better about themselves!

In my experience there are happy couples who have sex every day, have sex once a week or once a month. It's not a matter of quantity but quality. More important than the frequency of sex is how satisfied couples are with their sex lives. Less sex doesn't automatically equate to less love, happiness and fulfilment, especially for couples who have been together for a long time. For them companionship, trust and mutual reliability are often more important than lots of steamy sex.

Another problem of estimating sexual frequency is that people often only consider sexual intercourse as having sex. Many other activities can be considered sex, such as oral sex, genital touching, mutual masturbation or just affectionate behaviour such as kissing, cuddling, caressing and holding hands. All these activities are also associated with higher sexual satisfaction for both men and women.

Does frequent sex make us happier? Associate professor Tim Wadsworth of the University of Colorado Boulder published a paper in February last year titled "Sex and the Pursuit of Happiness: How Other People's Sex Lives are Related to our Sense of Well-Being". He found that people reported steadily higher levels of happiness as they reported steadily higher sexual frequency. But people who believed they were having less sex than their peers were unhappier than those who believed they were having as much or more. He concluded: "Having more sex makes up happy, but thinking that we are having more sex than other people makes us even happier."

Most sex therapists agree that couples having sex less than 10 times a year could be labelled a "sexless" relationship. A lack of sex doesn't always mean the relationship is in trouble, as long as both partners are satisfied with the frequency. But in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationship can be overtaken by feelings of anger, disappointment and detachment which can lead to infidelity or divorce.

Lovemaking is a sensitive area to discuss as there is a fear of hurting each other's feelings, but I believe having sex is important: it's like glue that keeps us together. If your relationship is in trouble, getting help when you are struggling is extremely important.

130 comments

I think its fairly well accepted that 'happiness' doesn't come from attaining some arbitrary number, be it income, model car or times you have sex. All that's needed is the sense that you are slightly about average.

Commenter

Peter

Location

Oz

Date and time

February 04, 2014, 3:38PM

While true, I wouldn't mind being a "miserable" millionaire with an aston martin who has sex everyday with the person they love.

Commenter

vote for pedro

Date and time

February 04, 2014, 6:59PM

You don't need to think you're average or wonder how you compare with others. A good rule is that if you're wondering if you're getting enough sex, you're not.

Commenter

alto

Date and time

February 05, 2014, 5:46AM

I keep telling my wife that 8-9 times a week should be enough... I keep telling her that its the best 45 seconds of my week.... Its all about balance...

Commenter

dave

Date and time

February 05, 2014, 3:32PM

Rather than hide behind the statistics, we need to look at the cause of the problem, in particular tiredness. We urgently need research funds to search for a cure for the stay at home spouses who just don't have the energy or inclination to invest 15 minutes of intimacy into their relationship.

Driving those kids to school by 9am and picking them up again at 3pm, not to mention the stress of having to remember to leave the money out for the cleaner and closing the gate that the pool guy seems hell bent of leaving open and trying to work out exactly which of those girls in the nail salon does a half decent french polish - heavens sake, they all look the same........and that's even before they put on the mask.

If only they could feel the same sense of pure joy and exhileration that comes from getting up at 6am every day to head off to work......especially as work is so, so, so much fun during a GFC.

Alternatively they could find the cure for sarcasm......I'd get a shag every now and again and interest in oral that is not from my dentist.

Commenter

Ellerston

Location

Scone

Date and time

February 06, 2014, 4:57AM

I wonder how those Kinsey stats would be affected by our 'modern' work ethic/lifestyle.

Many of my friends complain that they're just too tired!

Being a male well into his 50s (though 18-29 according to Kinsey... no, not exaggerating to feel better about myself), I have noticed how imperative it is to keep a healthy work/play balance... even if it means fewer material goodies - nothing more important than our love relationships. And to have a healthy diet/moderate exercise (besides... you know what :-))

I also feel that sexual intimacy (intercourse/oral sex/mutual caressing) is a wonderfully natural and strong extension and expression of other, many other facets (of my marriage). Anyway, just some random thoughts...

Commenter

Shane

Location

Sandringham

Date and time

February 04, 2014, 4:01PM

Congratulations on the effort you put into your relationship. Seriously. It obviously pays dividends in spades.

Commenter

bornagirl

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

February 04, 2014, 5:20PM

When I was passing on some key stats in this article to my better half I mentioned the word "Kinsey". She chuckled and responded "They're referencing Kinsey? You realise that was a study in the 50s, right?"Lo and behold, look it up, 1950s study being quote today, 60 years on!My, what representative statistics they're quoting!

Commenter

steveo

Location

sydney cbd

Date and time

February 05, 2014, 5:42AM

The original Kinsey report is from the 50's, but the research paper which the article which the article is referencing uses information from various studies.The statistics for frequency of sex in different ages groups is from 2002, published 2005.

Commenter

a

Date and time

February 05, 2014, 6:36AM

bornagirl

I don't think the racial origin of your partner is relevant in this context

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