So it’s come to this, has it? Apparently, the industry’s eyes are so glazed over with paranoia that they’ve started issuing warrants for little old ladies to get dropkicked in the ass by their ISPs. 53-year old Cathi Paradiso reportedly had her internet suspended by Qwest Communications after they assumed she’d been downloading illegal material, including ZombieLand, Harry Potter, and South Park. Now, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I ask you this: do these television programs and/or movies sound anything like what a 53-year-old woman would download? Would a 53-year-old woman even know how to download a movie? Maybe, but these film and TV titles do sound like 13-year-old boy fare. COME ON NOW! Doesn’t it seem the least bit possible that little boys (or sad-sack man-boys) were stealing internet juice from the older, unassuming lady? Not that all old ladies are unassuming — many are impeccably tech-savvy — but you get what I’m saying. It seems pretty unlikely.

After being dropped abruptly from her ISP with a stern slap on the wrist, Paradiso alerted the media, hoping this would help locate the true culprits. And true enough, some interference from CNET prompted a technician to have a closer look at Paradiso’s network. Indeed, they determined that Paradiso’s network had been “compromised” by another (and probably way less mature) party.

Case closed. Next week on Dragnet, Sgt. Joe Friday, and Sgt. Ben Romero take on the case of the missing B Channel…