Link Love (2013-09-14)

Thought-provoking

“And you guys are all so nice, and kind, and considerate, and working so hard to be fair to the other person! But the fact remains, if the behavior is making you uncomfortable, things are already uncomfortable. Often to the point that you might have to scorch the earth of the relationship if whatever it is keeps continuing, but you’re still looking for a way to let the other person down easy. There is a perception that speaking up for boundaries is somehow introducing conflict into a situation, or at very least, escalating it in an unkind way, like, everything was fine until you spoke up for your needs and nowyou made it weird.” #508 & #509: Friendship, Attachment Styles & Boundaries – Captain Awkward

“Too often, I think it can be easy to get caught up in saying “relationships take work” without looking at the effort we’re expending, or where it’s taking us. I think that if we are to accept that relationships require work in order to nurture, which I believe they do, we also need to look at what kind of work is being expected of us. Does it takes us closer to or further from the person we want to be? Does it reinforce our integrity, or ask us to compromise it? Are we working to solve problems, or are we working around them? Are we building bridges or building obstacles?” Are relationships work? – More Than Two

“When we’re awake, going about our day-to-day lives, we’re repressing our true identities. We’re lying about who we really want to be and what we want to do with these precious moments we have on this earth. Are we scared to admit these wild and mesmerizing dreams out-loud? Yes!” Are You Living a False Reality – All Groan Up

Equality

“So, Facebook Friend, while you claim to be color blind and treat all people as human, you are romanced by racist cultural “truths.” Your insistence that race does not matter makes you blind to the violence of these cultural “truths.” It allows you to fear black men without question or self-reflection. It allows you to devalue black adolescence. And Facebook Friend, it allows you to perpetuate racism while believing in your “heart” that you treat all people as human.” Dear Facebook Friend: A Primer on Racism – The Feminist Wire

“What does all of that mean? You couldn’t parent a kid like mine? You’d be his first bully and “make him a man?” To me, that makes you less of a man. Much of the time when I confront such people they immediately begin to backpedal and try to move on. I’m not afraid of this discussion and many don’t choose to argue with me or defend their position.
To me, loving a child who is different, a target and seen as vulnerable is my role as a father and decent human being. He’s just as special to me and loved by me as my oldest son, whose most prized possession is a pocketknife, who plays football, likes fart jokes, and is starting to notice girls.
I want to love him, not change him.
I’m a father. I signed on for the job with no strings attached, no caveats, no conditions. I can name every Disney Princess and her movie of origin. I’ve painted my son’s nails and rushed to remove it when he was afraid that he would get teased for wearing it. I didn’t want to remove it, I wanted to follow him around and stare down anybody who even thought about teasing him. I only removed it because he started to have a panic attack. It was his decision and if he wants to edit himself to feel safer, I’ll do it. Every time. No questions asked. ” My Son Wears Dresses; Get Over It – Matt Duron – The Atlantic

“As they went through their choices, the boy picked up a book whose cover was an illustration of a woman in a hoop skirt. He quickly tossed it aside. My daughter suggested that it might be good, and asked if he’d already read it, because she would like to. He said no, it was a girl book and he wouldn’t read it. Her response was pretty cut and dry, “That’s a sexist thing to say,” she explained. He was a friend of hers and an intelligent kid. He paused long enough for her to realize he wasn’t sure what she meant. “Do you know how many books with boys in them I read?” she said. “You should read girl books, too. They’re good. And not reading them just because they’re about girls is sexist.”” Why Are the Majority of Children’s Books Still About White Boys? – Role / Reboot

“It would help me enormously if you could understand that’s what I hear when you tell women not to make a fuss about harassment because that guy, who is really nice, and good laugh down the pub, might lose his job, or when you say the coverage of Steubenville wasn’t that bad because the rapists did have their football careers spoiled, and it must be hard on their families. It’s what I hear when you say maybe that joke about rape being a funny compliment wasn’t sexist, I just didn’t understand it, maybe he didn’t mean to put his hand on my breast, maybe he didn’t mean to use the words dumb bitch slut in a sexist way. I have to see it from his point of view because maybe he had good intentions.
I hear it, too, when you decide making a joke about how volatile I am, or about how I get all offended over any little thing, is an endearing, funny thing to do. You are telling me my reactions are irrational. You are telling me intentions matter more than impact. You are telling me I shouldn’t trust my own judgment because nobody else does. You are telling me there’s more of you than of me.” An open letter to gaslighters on triggers, trauma, and women’s anger – The Fementalists

Health

“But now, a new understanding of the trillions of microbes living in our guts reveals that this communication process is more like a multi-lane superhighway than a one-way street. By showing that changing bacteria in the gut can change behavior, this new research might one day transform the way we understand — and treat — a variety of mental health disorders.” Gut feelings: the future of psychiatry may be inside your stomach – The Verge

Beauty & Body Image

“I’m happy to invest money in my personal care and grooming, but having straight hair hadn’t felt like an investment for quite sometime. It didn’t make me feel good, figuratively or literally. The terrible sting of chemicals on my scalp left me feeling ashamed and resentful. I was straightening my hair, not because I because it made me feel beautiful but because it made me feel safe, inconspicuous. Relaxers made my head uncontroversial. Appeasing others at my own expense is not the person I want to be. But the memory of hurtful things people used to say about my natural hair still loomed large. I was scared.” Return of the Afro – Already Pretty