July 25, 2000

Time: Tue, 25 Jul 2000 00:08:40 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 623202 (1561 new since July 24, 2000)
Number of users: 17114 (17 new since July 24, 2000)
Number of links: 2555585 (20639 new since July 24, 2000)

I have also travelled to the state of Marriage, and Fatherhood. Family life and the government imposed "sojourn in foreign countries" that I have taken are not compatible. I first left my son when he was six- months-old, unable to sit up or do much of anything other than smile and gurgle. Two days after I returned, (six months later) he took his first steps. Today, I leave my now two-and-a-half-year-old son, and the rest of my family again for the seemingly eternal continuation of my peregrination.

Although to be honest, I don't really think that Seattle, WA counts as a foreign country.

Went into the gym this morning for a workout and had an appointment for a Wellness Check. I was so dismayed to learn that they hadn't saved my records from the two previous checks. I really wanted to compare and see how much improvement I had made. Since I had just worked out I had to reschedule my appointment so that the check up would be at least 12 hours after my last work out or walk. Two things of interest I learned today were

After a workout the body's meatbolism rate stays up for 12 to 15 hours.

The calves and abdominal muscles can be worked out every day. The muscles don't need a rest period to recover.

Hubby, Number Two Son and I visited the Park Gallery where Number Two Son's artwork was on display. It was entitled Number Two Son 8th Grade
"Pryamid Box"
slab-built stoneware
with cone 06 glazeIt was one of nine stoneware pieces selected for the exhibition. Different shades of green with repeating triangles and pyramid shapes, based on a mathematical and chemistry concepts. He said it was inspired by the 1960's "Funk" styles made popular by artists like Robert Arnesan. His style of art is far different than mine was at his age. I was more darkly abstract, he uses concrete applications in his work. Unfortunately, they wouldn't let us take pictures, but he should get it back after the exhibit is over. Very proud of him I am!

Thou hast put gladness in my heart, more than in the time that their corn and their wine increased. I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.
- Psalm 4: 7-8 (KJV)

This morning when I was looking under my bed for some pants, I found a dead mouse instead. It kind of freaked me out, the thought that I had been sleeping on top of a little stinky mouse skeleton was so weird and gross that I wanted to puke but started crying instead - I’m not that much of a morning person I guess. My cats entered the room, saw the mouse and started playing with its corpse. I tried to explain them that they should not play with the mouse cause it had been a living creature once with smart little eyes and tiny paws but they didn’t listen and secretly I hoped they’d eat the mouse or whatever it is that cats do to mice cause it really was a disgusting sight.

I walked over to the living room where I found cold pizza lying on the table next to an empty bottle of wine and it suddenly occurred to me that I might just be the loneliest person on earth. I stood there pondering a while but then I sat down and told myself not to be silly. The loneliest person on earth, that’d be Jesus, at least that’s what I had been taught during my Christian education. Besides, everybody feels lonely, utterly lonely, why would I be lonelier than others? I concluded that there were many levels of loneliness, and I probably didn’t even experience the worst level yet, but I should really stop using so much crack. Then I ate the pizza and rushed to work.

The problem with my life is not that it’s boring or purposeless. It’s mostly the fact that everything feels so surreal that bothers me. Many have the feeling that they’re living their lives in the ‘third person’ sometimes, but for me the feeling just won’t stop. Life around me is just so saddening hilarious.

When it was 1 PM I left the office cause I had an appointment with some guy named Khan, we were intending to have a jam session and I had even been carrying my guitar on my back the entire day, something that must have looked pretty odd now that I come to think of it. I entered the place we should be having this jam session in, a squatter’s house filthy as hell, and everyone was either stoned or drunk so it was doubtful we’d still have that jam session. I found Khan and told him he was a jerk and he was wasting his fucking life but he just grinned at me and called me sexy. Then he turned around and stared at the wall and called it very sexy. Damn I hate it when he does that.

I had no choice but going home again. My cats looked contented and the mouse had disappeared. I listened to Leonard Cohen and after that to Kurt Elling and then I coded a suicide function in the source of tetrix 1.13.16. It somehow felt like a proper thing to code.

17:51 (GMT +10:00) Sydney

Well, today started great. I had to get up early so I could take my car in for a service. I remember my alarm going off and thinking "Just 5 more minutes" and hitting snooze. What I don't remember is when I turned the alarm off completely. So, of course, when I woke up 40 minutes later I was running completely late. Well, that was just dandy but to top it off, I then managed to get complete lost going from the garage to work. At work by 10:30am on the dot! Yay! Heh..

Had some fun last night however. The bong at home was getting a little dirty (ok, it was disgusting), so I decided it was about time to clean it. This time I decided to keep all that lovely black gunk that I scrapped of it (the resin!) mull it up and smoke it. OOooooohhh boy - gonna be doing that a few more times let me tell you! (added bonus was we were out of pot!)

I'm actually going into work today, to check up on things and make sure the place isn't about to melt. I'll probably leave early however.. perhaps after lunch. 8 days on the birthday count. That is all.

We have been having network problems at the building all day. I would like to point out that Sonerasucks ass. Sorry for possible tpyos in this writeup, I will fix them when I get home and am able to useE2 with a better speed than one submit every 5 minutes.

9:12a EST - Another day much in the same vein as yesterday. Sleep is still at a minimum, thanks to my roommate. Went to bed at 11:45, fell asleep shortly after, woke up around 1:00 from roommate making noise, who refused to go to bed, no matter how many telepathic "go to bed already damnit!"'s I shot at him. Something tells me my telepathy isn't quite up to par. Didn't fall back asleep until 3. That's okay, I'll have my revenge. I'm sure he doesn't like being woken up at 5:30, nor will he like being woken up at 5:30 for the next two weeks. All I have to do is find a way to make sure it's not intentional. Maybe I'll make an excuse about not being able to wake up to alarm clock very well, and set it to the ultra-super-high-blow-your-ears-out-at-150-db alarm setting. The thing's loud enough as it is, and it goes much louder. Have you ever heard one of those crime deterent alarms that many women carry around with them? The kind that when activated, will kill small birds flying in the sky? That's about the same volume this alarm clock can get to on high. Very effective. Very cruel. Very necessary.

Latest flash project coming along well. Lack of communication is preventing me from proceeding any further until an unscheduled meeting takes place this morning, or afternoon. If the meeting doesn't take place, I shall have no recourse but to sit at my desk and browse the net. And node.

3:15p EST - Day's turning out better. These Sony Vaio thin notebooks are leet. Too bad I have to be a full time employee if I ever had a chance to get one. The Exec's on the top floor have an even nicer one -- the ones they have are wide screen, built in camera (either for their kids to play with, or for vtc'ing, I really can't figure out which one), and very small. The ones I'm setting up aren't bad either, although the colors look like something out of, well, I can't think of anything that really exclusively uses pastel purple and grey.

Going home in about an hour, something tells me I'm gonna end up falling asleep on the bus and miss my stop. Which means that I'll end up in Camden. Without my wallet. Or pants.

5:48p EST - I made it home. Yup. No Camden for me. Now I why can't I find my pants?

this morning is going pretty well so far; i woke up at 6 o'clock wondering why the alarm was going off so obnoxiously... i turned it off and fell back asleep for 20 minutes. then i stumbled into the shower, stumbled into my clothes, and stumbled out of the apartment, still asleep.

but then i got to work, and after 10 minutes of scrounging, found an EXTRA LARGEcoffee cup, and proceeded to pound that (with extra sugar). now, the effects of an extra large coffee with extra sugar would be signifigant amongst themselves, but take into consideration that the only food i had eaten was a half of a doughnut, and the caffeine and sugar cocktail is certainly hitting me as well as, say, a shot of PCP directly to my heart. ie, hard. yum.

and now i'm entering into my second extra large, extra sugar cup of coffee and am just vaguely aware of the fact that i have a sense of touch.... and am ignoring the twitch in my pinky finger.

Spent the morning struggling to keep a promise. I woke up pretty late, and was dragged out of bed by someone who became my mother as my dream which I've now forgotten faded away. I plan to spend the rest of the day shopping and reading.

Off sick today. I've got one of those headaches that makes it really hurt to move my head. Ow. Ouch. Ow. I spent all day staying very still on the sofa watching crappy daytime TV. I was unaware how many Oprah Winfrey clones there are around; I counted at least 12. I also watched Sailor Moon and Pokemon. Sailor Moon is rather poor, but I think Pokemon is quite good as a childrens programme. Pikachu is a first rate cartoon creation.

An Air FranceConcorde crashed today; Sky put a newsflash across one of the Pokemon cartoons I was watching.

I slept in late; every time I do this, I have some quite vivid dreams. I think this may be something to do with being more awake or lucid during the dream, therefore more able to feel what is happening. Anyway, see the dream logs for today.

I got another postcard today! Woohoo! This one was from Zari, who actually made the postcard she sent to me! Zari, if you read this, Your card reached me, touched me and made me walk around the house with a big cheshire cat cheesy grin. Thank you! :) :) :) (big hugs and kisses!)

I know how I feel but do not think that I could ever possibly put it to mere words, not even if I were able to create them solely for the purpose. What you do to me, the things you've said and.. the way tears of the sweetest sort fall so easily in your presence. The universe is a very nice place to be, today.. this morning I felt so lost, but that seems like such a long time ago now as the afternoon sets in and the sun has slipped in and out from behind white fluffy clouds all day. False evening when it disappears, reliving mornings repeatedly as the clouds drift away.

My little brother's friend is here, and his mother called. I can't figure out exactly why I thought it was the cutest thing in the world, but she gave me this little message to pass onto him:

Adorable, just adorable. I can't get over it, for some reason I think it's just the motherly aspect of it, and she has that concerned parental figure voice down so well. She's a nice lady from what I know, that's probably why I found it terribly endearing. I intend to relay the message shortly with no small amount of mocking "awww, how cuuute" tone in my voice. Actually, Andrew is the only friend my little brother has that seems to have a good personality, and I get along with him quite well.. perhaps I shouldn't patronize him so. What am I talking about? Of course I should! It is my duty.

Today, I'm listening to... Nick Drake, and some other soft, quiet, intense stuff. Jump, Little Children.. Cathedrals, I love the way it builds and falls but not so much that you forget the intensity, it reminds me of the way you make me feel.

I've taken to wandering around clutching my hardcover black book filled with beautiful blank pages just waiting to hold my random thoughts. I don't even write in it that often, aside from as I lay in bed, at which time I scrawl content until my eyes hurt too much to stay open any longer, and even then I push just a bit.

I've had bad dreams as of late, the last two nights more specifically, but perhaps they'll pass soon. There has been a lot on my mind, far too much and I don't want to burden anyone with it, so I keep it inside. It pours out in words, but it's hidden to others. I love that you would listen, even though I don't let you.. dreamy leetle human. When I said that I wanted to read something so achingly beautiful that it made me cry, I didn't expect a few lines of text to suffice. It did more than that, so much more. Thank you.

I also love having my umbrella tree resting atop the desk just a few feet from me. It gets enough light there, and it looks so neat, especially with the backdrop of outside tree matter.

On the plus side, I've been walking to and from the station every day. (Which, incidentally, is probably giving me as much exercise as the recommended 30 minutes on the gravity walker - and is free!) My belt is getting loose! (Heh, this means I get to stick with "medium" underwear...)

Today is one of those dead end days. I’ve hit some type of roadblock in my head and I am having problems moving around it.

Last night I worked a bit on my new site. I did some test graphics and played around a bit with Javascript. Its been an interesting experience. I think I’ve figured out most of it, and now I have to refine the graphics and get the pages they are going to link to written. Is it weird that I keep loading up my test image just to move the mouse around on it? I’m so proud of it. It looks really nifty. :)

I also went over to mom’s house last night to help her get her firewall installed. She has a cable modem now, and I insisted that she purchase some type of firewall software. She ended up getting Norton Personal Firewall, which seems to work well. It detected some adbot that was on her computer trying to get out, and we shut it down. She took me out to McMenamin’s for dinner and a beer. That was cool. We talked like we haven’t talked in ages.

There was a job fair here at work today. They are trying to expand our business sales department so that we can make more money and be a profitable dot com. I can’t see it happening any time soon. I’ll be happy when I’m gone.

I’ve felt hungry all day today, even after I ate a big lunch. I hate PMS.

My boyfriend is coming over tonight. I have no idea what we are going to do tonight, but I hope that its fun.

I haven't had a room to sleep in or a bed to sleep on for nearly a year now, until today. The experience was slightly marred by my not having any bedsheets yet, but it was better than nothing. I woke up much earlier than usual, after having an Everything Dream. Apparently it always happens that whenever I read Everything before bed it resurfaces in my dreams. I "rediscovered" the day logs yesterday, and I figure now I need to start making use of the dream logs... don't remember this morning's dream anymore though. Something about a special way to mark up writeups....

Since I did wake up early, I got back to playing Final Fantasy--the very first one--again, which I haven't been lately. I'm at the point in the game just after receiving the canoe and pondering whether to go to the Volcano or the Ice Cave as I gain levels.

I went with my mother to Wal-Mart to shop for toiletries. (It's annoying when you don't have the equipment to take a shower with.) Here I made two fundamental discoveries: First, that men and women wash differently, and second, that women--at least in my
family--have a strange habit of smelling the shampoos and body washes and baby oils they buy. I mean, sure they're scented, but still... Me and my sister made fun of the idea of guys with loofahs. My mother insisted on buying me at least two towels, and reacted oddly when I told her I only ever had one before in the dorm. I suppose it's all right, because one of them started turning colors after the Mildew Squad came in and sprayed my ceiling.

At work in the computer lab today I got to plug more computers in. One of them had Windows 2000 on it, which I hadn't seen in action before. Its cursor had a shadow... For some reason I thought that was way past cool.

Work: Flustery. (compare silly old Bear, "blustery".) Breakfast: a buttered bagel. Everyone is headachey. Paul Anka is honored on the local "oldies" station. Lunch: wild berry Power Bar. The problem with my co-worker's notebook computer turns out to be the mostly harmless APStrojan.qa virus, which merely prevents regedits and normal shutdown on Win9x. Just yesterday I told Dad I'm not interested in doing computer consulting anytime soon, too much volatility in the field and it devours my liesure time... and now I'm considering offering this most recent client a referral bounty. Flatmate's parakeet (Pee Wee) perches atop the laptop's screen as I work. I discover his formerly adorable head-butting behavior coincides with vomiting: the filthy little devil is trying to wipe his beak clean on me. Yee-UCK. I banish him to his cage. Grocery shopping, I wrangle a case of Manhattan Special. I run into Dad by chance at ShopRite. Supper: sub sandwich. Theme song of the day: CCR's Lodi.

My bodyrefuses to work on a "normal" schedule. I'm nocturnal to the bone, I get no sleep because I simply do not get tired when it gets dark, even though I am only getting a couple of hours of sleep a night. It pisses me off.

There I am, sitting at work and suddenly my eyes feel so heavy I'm certain I won't be able to keep them open much longer. I grab my purse, run to the vending machine, drop some coins in and buy the most caffeinated drink available and all is good. I make it through the day fine. Okay. So then it's midnight and I'm laying in bed boggling at my alertness. I am not sleepy. 1am. The same. 2am. No difference. What is wrong with me? I have to go through some huge dramatic scene just to get to bed, things that are somewhat similar in silliness as last night's node - the best way to sleep alone. Yeah, wonderful. Read a book? Yeah right, any book I read that can possibly keep me interested normally invokes thoughts that keep my mind turning for hours!

*sigh* I used to say I had insomnia because it was something cool to say. Now that I honestly think I might, I just want it to go away.

The fine gentlemen at the local Nissan dealer say it'll cost me $413 to fix my car. Why does this happen whenever I start thinking about selling the thing? Is this some sort of CARmic backlash, getting me back for trying to betray my vehicle?