Charles Manson

Famed cult leader Charles Manson, who is serving a life sentence for his role in the Manson Family murders in the 1960s, reportedly stumbled across a cell with 3 prisoners who were all deceased. Manson said he was doing his janitorial rounds when he found the dead bodies.

“Mr. Manson is a model prisoner who loves to work around the yard and cells, cleaning and mopping,” said warden Miles Richard. “On Friday, though, Mr. Manson reportedly found dead bodies in section A-4. The names of the deceased have not yet been released, pending an investigation and notice to family.”

“It was really kind of disturbing finding not just one, but several people dead like that,” said Manson. “I have never actually seen a dead body before. Even all those years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the house when everyone was killed. It didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s really kind of gross, and rather unnerving to see.”

Manon, who is 82-years-old, is reportedly “doing just fine,” according to prison doctors, and may very well live to be “over 100 years old.”

Charles Manson, the notorious cult leader who was arrested and convicted in 1971 of conspiracy to commit murder, has died.

According to police reports, the ‘serial killer,’ who never actually killed anyone and should have realistically been released from prison decades ago, died from natural causes after a short illness hospitalized him.

“Manson was taken to the hospital approximately one month ago, and was suffering from several illnesses, including bronchitis, dementia, and colon cancer,” said Dr. Shawn Tate. “He died peacefully in sleep last evening at approximately 11:45pm.”

Charles Manson was survived by his three sons and one daughter. Funeral arrangements are currently being made where they are expecting large crowds of supporters as well as angry protesters. The Westboro Baptist Church has already announced that they will picket the funeral, but their regular group of counter-protestors have said that “just this once” they will let it happen.

A man’s life hangs in the balance after he reportedly tried to steal a box of ramen noodles from the infamous Charles Manson at the California State Prison in Corcoran, California.

Warden Connie Gipson says the incident happened this morning and that Raymond Garcia, 39, from Los Altos, California, is in critical condition. “It seems that Garcia attempted to steal a box of Manson’s ramen noodles, which he had stashed under his bunk. Mr. Manson caught Garcia and proceeded to stab him with a lollipop which had been sucked down to a sharp point. He then stabbed Mr. Garcia in the neck twice, and in the abdomen once. Garcia remains in critical condition at this time,” Gipson said in a statement.

If Garcia dies, Manson would be charged with murder and, ironically, is the first time he has actually committed an act of violence on another human being using his own two hands.

Warden Gipson says that Manson and Garcia had become friends, and Manson often drew pictures for Garcia to send home to his family. Corrections officers at the facility believe that Manson did not make good on a deal in which Garcia fronted him the box of ramen noodles in exchange for a hand-drawn family portrait, which Manson never completed.

Gipson said this was the first time in her career that she recalls an inmate being stabbed by a lollipop. “It seems bizarre, but it happened, so we have removed all lollipops and suckers from the commissary so that this does not happen again,” Gipson said.

One of the most famous killers in the American prison system will soon be walking free. On Tuesday Charles Manson, who is now 79 years old, was granted parole by the California Board of Parole and authorized by California Governor Jerry Brown.

According to California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck, prison overcrowding forced the prison board to re-evaluate prisoners that are elderly or those with serious illnesses. In February a panel of federal judges ordered California Gov. Jerry Brown (D) two more years to reduce chronic prison overcrowding that has cost the state billions of dollars.

The ruling, issued by three judges overseeing the state’s efforts to ease the overcrowding, gives California until February 2016 to achieve their goals. But, the judges said, the state has to make elderly inmates and those with serious illnesses eligible for parole immediately.

Manson, who was denied parole in April of 2012 and wasn’t scheduled for another parole hearing until 2027, was re-evaluated due to his age and health and the Parole Board recommended his parole.

“He is 79 years old and in poor health,” said Commissioner Peck. “We know it’s not going to be a popular decision but, considering our other options, he’s the least threat.”

Protesters have already planned to picket the lawn outside of the prison in Corcoran, but what is more surprising is the number of supporters that have come out to express joy over the news.

“It’s a great [expletive] day in America!” said Joe Goldsmith, who camped out in front of the prison Wednesday morning, decked out in Manson gear and sporting tattoos covering his face. “Manson is my idol”

While parole was granted, the actual release date has not yet been set.