Sunday, June 13, 2010

I want to stay "Afloat", like I talked about 2 posts ago. But alas, that is not possible to ALWAYS stay in that mode.

A profound thought came to me on Memorial Day when a Christian group was fighting us for our reserved spot at the park. Some of them were acting very UNKIND.

When I found out that they were a Christian group, I laughed, but these words came out of my mouth without any pre thought.

"Well, it's hard to be HUMAN and a CHRISTIAN at the same time.......................I KNOW, I have tried it!!"

I surprised myself. That was such a true statement, but honestly, I had NEVER had that thought before. Yes, I thought, that is why I have trouble sometimes, because I am human.

Of course, the scripture came to mind, Mosiah 3:19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

Well, the next week, I was having some hurt feelings from someone that I care about and respect. I thought I would take my feelings to them in private and work it out in kindness and love.

My plan was foiled.

I was unexpectedly put into a situation where this person wanted to hear what my issues were and we were in the presence of others.

I did my best to stay calm and express my concerns.

I didn't get the response I had hoped for.

I wanted something like this, "Oh, Karen, no, honey, I didn't mean any of that to hurt you, I AM SO SORRY! , I will explain how all this happened and you will see how much I love you and how all those things that hurt you were MIS understood!, Oh please forgive me, I really am sorry, I will fix everything and make it all better and you will feel better"

That is not what happened.

This someone thought I was nuts to create such crazy things in my mind. I was

"analyzing" too much. (I knew that was true to some extent)

There was no apology, because I was the one wrong, not them.

I tried my hardest to help this person understand why I could have gotten mixed

messages.

Then, much to my chagrin, the people that were listening in, who were others I loved,

started agreeing,(one of them did anyway), and that is when I started to feel :

DEFEATED

STUPID

DUMB

FOOLISHOVER REACTIVE

LIKE I WANTED TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE

RUN OVER BY A BUS AFTER I HAD BEEN THROWN UNDER IT!

Then I started to feel ANGRY, kinda like a natural man would.! :)

DID I MENTION I WAS REALLY ANGRY???????

After two people left, I LOST IT with the one who had thrown me under the bus.

I MEAN REALLY LOST IT!! TIMES 10!!!

All of my previous negative behaviors came out. I can't believe I am telling my blog about this.

There is a method to my madness however.

Once upon a time, I saw someone in Relief Society take a paper lunch sack, and blow into it, and then punch it, and pop it.

She related it to we as women who "BLOW UP".

She then said, " Now what do you have?"

We looked at the bag, all torn up and no longer usable.

I got the picture!

I saw myself looking just like that bag about an hour after my anger gave way to depression.

I was very disappointed in myself.

I haven't done that in a LONG LONG time.

How could this be? I was feeling so tolerant, and compassionate, and not easily offended.

I thought I was understanding of others now days. I knew that when someone was unkind , it was just because THEY were hurting somewhere in a hidden place.

I felt sorry and said the words more than once, " I am so sorry", (to my bus thrower)

That wasn't enough for me, I knew that. I have made too much progress to just let this go with a simple I am sorry.

I did an evaluation ( well that's what I do )

I will call it ANALYZING..............:)

THE ANTIDOTE

AHA, there was an antidote to my "natural man"

I knew it then, and I have known it all along, for A LONG time.

It is a simple thing to say but not TO DO:

REMEMBER !!!!!

Remember what ? you might ask.

There are so many things to remember, which one is it now?

YOU ARE RIGHT, there is SO MUCH to remember, and I can't do it without a notepad and paper for sure.

THIS one does need physical reminders for me.I have them everywhere, but I still forget.

Let me start with D and C 20: 77

.............that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee,................and always remember him..................... ALWAYS????

next verse 79

................in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them;.............that they do always remember him..................... ALWAYS??

President Kimball said the most important word in the English language is "REMEMBER"

Remember Jesus, I have been taught, and remember the commandments, and remember the GOOD that the Lord has done for me.

At this stage, I have MUCH to remember................MY CANCER YEAR FOR ONE THING....

Karen, how can you forget all the blessings you have been given, and continue to be given on a daily basis?

How can you forget all those sweet feelings you had about LOVE for others, kindness, and peaceful calmness that you felt ALL through your chemo days.

I was SO humble during chemo. Do I want to go through that again just so I can learn how to be calm and kind, and keep my temper under control. Actually I thought my temper was gone, but it wasn't. I am sad about that.

Let me tell you some things that I have done to help me REMEMBER lately. Even though I lost it, Dale reminded me about relapses..........

That's what I had.................a relapse................anyone ever had one?

Dale said it's like a flat tire.

We prepare for flat tires by always carrying a spare. We don't necessarily EXPECT to have a flat tire, but sometimes it happens. We can do our best to make sure our tires are in good shape and take care of them, but sometimes things happen.

When they do, we don't give up on the journey, wherever it was that we were going., Do we? We might feel a little frustrated, but getting mad at the tire is not going to fix it.

WE are going to fix it, by using our spare.

We will continue on our journey, even if we had a bit of a problem getting there.

We will then get another spare to make sure we are always prepared, and we will do our best to avoid another one, but sometimes we CAN'T!

It just happens.

I will try again.

I have a picture of Jesus coming out of the tomb as He was resurrected on my dashboard of my car, I think of Him often and REMEMBER HIM. He offers His help, and His understanding.

Most recently, about six weeks ago, I set out to do the impossible for me: memorize a declaration called , "The Living Christ".

I am not good at memorizing. (especially when I tell myself that I can't ..............hhhmmmmm)

I have repeated over and over words and thoughts about the SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, things about His life and His goodness.

I love that. It helps me to "REMEMBER".

In a book I was reading last night, I read a line that hit me. It was talking about Mary and Martha in the New Testament and how Jesus told them that Mary had chosen "one needful thing". The author went on to talk about what that needful thing is;

She said it's the Savior and His gospel, she said................

.............."We need HIM"

I know that.

I believe that.

Imagine what would have happened if I hadn't had these REMINDERS in my life.

What would my "Natural Man" outburst have been like, I shudder at the thought.

I want you all to know that I am far from perfect. But then again, perfect people don't need a SAVIOR, do they?

I need him.

I want to encourage myself, by writing this, to KEEP REMEMBERING!!

It is worth it.

I want to remind myself to keep picking myself up, and keep on my journey.

Relapses happen. I will do my best to say I AM SORRY, and try again.

After all, IT IS HARD TO BE HUMAN AND A CHRISTIAN, I KNOW I HAVE TRIED IT !!