Title: better season 5 endAuthor: iamli3, who may or may not be Dakari King Mykan, and/or Caliborn from HomestuckMedia: AnimationTopic: My Little Pony, Friendship is MagicGenre: Adventure/Drama/AUURL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end‘s… umm… end.

Last time Starlight Glimmer, freshly minted as N I G H T M A R E M O O N’s new apprentice, payed a visit to Twitlight Sparkle in her cell and got really torn up about ripping the DUMMENSHINAL TRAVIL scroll in half even though N I G H T M A R E M O O N was actively assisting her in making a replacement for it. Twitlight responded to this by angsting, dreaming about the Element Bearers and thereby giving away their location to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, angsting some more, and then finally angsting. That… was literally about it. We just left off as she was being led out of her cell by a N I G H T M A R E Guard, through the improbably-nearby town of Ponyville, and to a large platform set up in the middle of a public square which is clearly, obviously, and totally not meant for her execution.

Will Starlight Glimmer’s apprenticeship deliver her into her longed-for life of fast carriages, fast stallions, and rich, chunky revenge, or will she instantly be redeemed in the last fifth of the story for no good reason just like Mycan’t claims happened in the original show?

Will Twitlight Sparkle put into reality her vision of an inter-DUMMENSHINAL door-to-door friendship proslytization church, or will she completely dissolve into a puddle of thin, sorrowful gruel?

Will N I G H T M A R E M O O N ever actually get around to running Equestria, or will she just continue to recount the events of every episode of Season 1?

Will any of the rest of the main cast actually fucking show up in this story?

And will Mycan’t realize this was originally supposed to be a 44-minute TV-Y rated television show?
Find out on this, the final… umm… segment, I guess… of better season 5 end.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Cutie Remark as told by Dakari King Mycan’t!

Glad to be back.

Last time… well, not a whole lot actually happened other than Twitlight and Starlight being locked in a cell together so that the former could evangelize to the latter about The Power of Friendship (and also the events of most of the pilot episode of the show for some reason).

And then for fairly obvious reasons Starlight decided it was better serve in heaven than rule in rich, chunky exposition hell-

-and decided to sell out Twitlight to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, seeing as Twitlight’s strategy of building up a rapport with the other unicorn by being really fucking annoying all the time was going nowhere. We just left off as M O O N and Starlight (good GOD that sounds like a ship-name) were headed off to the remnants of the Canterlot Library so that Starlight could show her new mentor how the dimension-hopping scroll she found works.

Wait, doesn’t N I G H T M A R E M O O N have the dimension-hopping scroll from her home dimension? Why doesn’t that work? I mean sure, it’s in code, but Starlight wrote the code and can translate it back.

If this was a better ‘fic I’d say it was because Starlight was faking her betrayal in order to lead N I G H T M A R E M O O N away from the castle and give Twitlight a chance to grab either the original encrypted copy or the Elements of Harmony, but thanks to {THE ENDLESS INTERNAL MONOLOGING EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER DOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME} we know that nothing so clever is actually being attempted and Starlight is completely on the level (and also seems to have a bat-pony fetish for some reason, if her sudden display of romantic interest in the guards pulling their carriage is any indication).

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end, Dakari King Mycan’t’s attempt to strip out everything that was actually impressive or visually interesting about the Season 5 finale of My Little Pony.

Last time, Twitlight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer spent way, way, way too much time doddling around what turned out to be an alternate Equestria ruled by N I G H T M A R E M O O N, queen of evil laughter, sneering at each other and failing to figure out where they were or what was going on. Then some Lunar Guards (N I G H T M A R E Guards?) showed up and made off with the scroll that was their only ticket home, and the two timeDUMMENSHIN travelers promptly followed them right to her castle. N I G H T M A R E M O O N kicked their asses, confiscated the scroll, and locked them in the kinky bondage dungeon… but not without first filling up another scene or two with even more explanation of THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW.

We’re three parts into this, and something just hit me: Mycan’t never told us his mission statement. We know he wants to improve the script, but he never told us how. What was wrong with the original that needed correcting? We’ve been inferring that he wanted a less powerful Starlight, more talky bits up front, more N I G H T M A R E M O O N and evidently much less of the other timelines-

-like, none–

– but, again, those are only guesses. We have no idea what the author wants to tell us, and that’s one of the most fundamental flaws in literature a writer can ever make.

I mean, he has a blog, but it’s all just ranty lectures about time travel and multiverse theory interrupted by a section on Undertale for some odd reason.

I’d say it’s good to be back, but, no. It’s never good to be back. Not here.

And welcome back to better season 5 end, the single best episode(s) of My Little Pony as re-imagined by Dakari King Mykan.

Actually, Mykan could at least remember to use capital letters without an editor. This guy is Dakari King Mycan’t.

Last time we were treated to Mycan’t’s treatment of… well, nothing but the opening scene of the Season 5 end, apparently. And the reason why it was only the very first scene was because apparently to Mycan’t ‘better’ means ‘filled to the brim with lots and lots of rich, chunky exposition’.

And scenes stolen from the end of the original episode to pad out the beginning.

Also, to sum up the changes to characterization:

On the left is canon Twilight losing her shit. On the right is Mycan’t’s interpretation of the character, being shit.

Lone Wolf is really starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth as I ponder more and more the question of its author’s relationship with objective reality, so I’ve decided to reenlist Serketry, my companion in all things My Little Pony, to wade through the seedy underbelly of bronydom that is fimfiction.net and see what I could find.

Howdy, everyone, glad to be back! Uh, well, I was, before I learned what we’d be… reviewing…

Namely that what I could find, as it turned out, was a ‘fic called “better season 5 end”[sic] by someone or something called iamli3.

Which, oddly enough, we reviewed the same weekend the Season 7 finale came out.

season 5’s ending was bad , i made it better….

What.

Calm down, I’m assuming he just was unable to properly type ‘season 5’s ending was badass’.

But I’m pretty sure the only way the My Little Pony Season 5 finale could be made better is if Ronnie James Dio and Till Linderman descended bodily from their blazing thrones atop the highest summit of Metal Heaven in a flying golden battleship piloted by Dog-Tier Jade Harley to anoint it with the tears shed by Wikus Van Der Merwe in the penultimate scene of District 9.

Welcome back to Fall to Equestria, ruining awesome characters since late 2012.

Last time our plucky protagonist Loser Martin was captured by the Changelings, promptly escaped through a method so stupid and thermodynamically dubious that I refuse to even recap it, and then immediately turned himself in again. This led to fortunately unconsummated sexytimes with Queen Chrysalis, who apparently was not evil at all and just misunderstood (needing a whole three sentences from the Stu to devolve into a sobbing wreck). Then Princess Celestia showed up and did the first sensible thing in the ‘fic, namely magic-blasting Loser Martin to within an inch of his life while trying to shoot the Queen.

With his miraculous Stu powers he somehow survived the blast. Well, he’s bleeding out, but considering that that Celestia was trying to kill Chrysalis and we’ve seen her literally blast enemies apart, Loser should be chunky salsa by now.