Reader… I’m a fucking idiot. I say this in a self-depreciating way, I’m moderately responsible and go about life trying to make the next day better than the last for both myself and people immediately in my life.

That being said… I make mistakes all the bloody time. Really embarrassing ones like the one I’m about to describe.

So I get up Sunday morning and move some 12 packs of soda up from the trunk of my car. I decided to have a can of diet pepsi with breaky… mostly so that I can dispose of some bacon grease.

Yes… I dispose bacon grease in cans of of soda or beer.

I eat breakfast… watch Outside the Lines on ESPN. Open up a second can of soda and go about my morning. I decide to start cleaning up after my meal and the soda can on my coffee table had a little bit of diet pepsi in it.

Go to the sink and start to stack some dishes when I see another can on the counter. I grab it and lean over to toss it into the trash can when I feel a little weight in the can.

I tilt back my head and I then realize that the can is filled with cooled bacon grease.

I didn’t drink it… but I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. I spat it out into the sink. Ran into the bathroom and brushed my teeth 4 times.

I can’t begin to describe what it felt like… my teeth and gums were overwhelmed with the taste of bacon.

I don’t know why, but I started to have my head fill with thoughts of my heart coming to a complete stop. I immediately had these images of my arteries clogging completely shut. I was convinced that I was about to die of bacon grease of the mouth.