Category: loss

In December, Hello Humans published a piece I wrote, Holidays without him: Family defined and reformed by absence. It’s about the loss of my brother, Jonathan. Advertisements Continue reading Holidays Without Him

My brother died in 2007. He had a very rare form of cancer. The time between figuring out what was wrong and his death was short – 6 months. And you know what happened most often when I told people about it during that six months? People blamed him. “Have you told him about The China Study? About how eating meat causes cancer?” No. No … Continue reading Take Care of Yourself! Blaming and Shaming People with Illnesses

We all have dreams. Some of us realize them, many of us don’t. And you know what? We who lose our dreams, we who never know the joy of achievement…we grieve. Over ten years ago, a clinical social worker told me I was grieving; grieving, she said, for the life I had hoped to live. At the time, I thought, “I mean, okay, I can … Continue reading Grieving for the death of dreams

Forgetting loved ones who have died is, in my experience, the most common fear of those left behind, unspoken, in times of whispers, tears, and vulnerability. I wonder, though, if I can help ease such fears and the pain that so easily comes with them – the dread, the paralysis. You see, I have dreams, and in those dreams, those I’ve lost come alive. It’s … Continue reading To dream, to grieve

A few days ago, my mother said something to me that was incredibly powerful in its simplicity: You have value simply because you exist. At some point, most of us question ourselves, our decisions, our paths, and our progress. Often, as was the case for me last week, comments and opinions from others lead us to do so. He’s just trying to make you feel bad … Continue reading “You have value simply because you exist.”

In my last post about Jonathan, I wondered how I’d handle turning 34. I talked about how I felt guilty for living past the age he lived. I expressed fear that I won’t do enough with the extra time I have. Well, the extra time keeps going – I turned 34 at the end of July.

I try to be as positive as possible about Jonathan, thinking about the good times and being thankful for the time we did get to share. But it’s just weird to now be in a phase of life he’ll never get to have. It’s strange, so strange, that his life ended and mine continues. Age is just a number, but to me, that number now represents the absence of my brother. Continue reading “34”

I feel very guilty about living past the age my brother, Jonathan, lived. He was almost 33 and a half years old when the tragedy of his death occurred. I’m now 33 years and 8 months old. I’m not sure how I’ll handle turning 34.

You know what else I feel? Fear. What if I’m not living my life to its fullest? Am I taking advantage of the time I have, the time that was taken away from him? I’m afraid that I won’t do enough with this extra time I have. And that won’t be fair to him. Continue reading “Living Past 33 and a Half”