From ogre@iglou2.iglou.com Wed Dec 18 11:22:41 EST 1996
Newsgroups: soc.singles.moderated,soc.singles
Subject: Not Necessarily a Christmas Carol
Message-ID: E2FrI7.FL3@iglou.com
Organization: North Pole Industries, Inc.
Date: Sun, 15 Dec 1996 03:39:43 GMT
You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen; Comet and
Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen. You probably even recall (heck,
if you're anything like me, you can't get the damned song out
of your heads) Rudolph, the fellow with the funny nose.
But you probably don't know much about Olive, the other
reindeer. You may remember Olive as the playground bully,
who used to laugh and call Rudolph names. But there was more
to Olive than that, than "a good reindeer gone bad". We here
at the North Pole would like to take this opportunity to share
with you Olive's tale: The Story of the Other Reindeer.
Olive was going to be great. Dasher was getting a bit long
in the tooth, after all; he couldn't go on forever. The day
would soon come when Olive would take the lead on the Sleigh
Team, and set new airspeed records every Christmas.
All that changed at that first assembly, when the mudpack on
Rudi's nose fell off. Olive couldn't help it; it was such a
funny sight, that nose glowing and emitting that horrible
high-pitched whine. He burst out laughing, and soon every
other young reindeer in the assembly was rolling in the
snowdrifts, gasping for breath between howls of laughter, as
well.
And that, unfortunately, was only the beginning. For months
afterward, Olive couldn't help giggling whenever he caught a
glimpse of that red glow, or heard the faintest whine from
young Rudi's direction.
It caught up with him, eventually; his grades in the Reindeer
Flight Academy suffered because he couldn't concentrate. His
class standing slipped, and soon one of the brightest of the
young reindeer was failing, and being held back. Watching
all his former friends go on, learning new evasive maneuvers
and soloing on the practice sleigh, soon got to be too much
for young Olive. He became sullen, withdrawn. Started
drinking, experimenting with new ways to forget.
Everything came to a head that night in September, when Olive
broke into the shed in which the Magic Corn was kept. He
knew, of course, that the Magic Corn was what let the Sleigh
Team move fast enough to visit every chimney on earth in a
single night. Every young reindeer dreamed of the day they'd
be allowed their first handful of "speed", as they called it.
What he didn't know was that "speed" had other effects.
There's a reason it's never given to a reindeer who isn't
harnessed to a sleigh, fully loaded and ready for takeoff,
under The Big Guy's control. All he knew was that he wanted
to fly, fast, and that Magic Corn was the way to do it. So
he ate. And ate. And ate some more.
He was never able to remember anything that happened for the
next several weeks. Independent reports, however, document a
rash of UFO sightings and sonic booms all over the northern
hemisphere. The Northern Lights were also said to have been
especially brilliant about that time.
Olive finally came to his senses in a field in Missouri,
belonging to one "Kushaj" McGath. Kushaj, hearing snorting
and giggling noises from the direction of her pumpkin patch,
grabbed her shotgun and headed out the back door. Alas, she
was too late; Olive had smashed half a dozen gourds and had
managed to get his head stuck in the largest he could find.
McGath, distraught at losing her prize pumpkin to a groundhog,
even if it was as big as a deer, opened fire. Olive bolted.
He'd been hit, and didn't want to die in a pumpkin patch.
(Most historians* point to this incident as the origin of what
we at the North Pole refer to as "The 'Great Pumpkin' Heresy".)
To try to make this long story short, the shotgun wound
wasn't mortal. Olive lived, but was forever changed. (To
this day, she can't even stand the sight of anything orange.)
She made it home to the North Pole, and returned to the
Flight Academy, eventually graduating with honors.
Finally, the day came. Christmas was here, and Rudolph had
slipped on the ice and broken an ankle. The Big Guy picked
Olive to lead the Sleigh Team. It was her finest moment; all
the bad times were behind her.
It was sheer, blind bad luck that the old woman just happened
to be crossing the street when Olive brought the team down
for an emergency landing (it was quite a feat, landing the
sleigh with only one runner, but it was ignored all the same
in the media reports that followed). Olive was eventually
cleared of all charges, because "Grandma" had clearly been
too much in the eggnog, but it was, finally, too much. Olive
was never able to fly again.
And so, that's Olive's tale. We here at The North Pole would
like to ask you all this Holiday Season to take a moment, the
next time you hear that blasted song, and remember Olive, The
Other Reindeer.
* Most historians who can manage to take the issue seriously,
anyway.
--
"Most people learn from their past mistakes and in future
lives go on to grow into better people. Others, who don't,
become ogres." - E. A. Scarborough, _The Godmother_