With sexual harassment and abuse being covered so frequently in the media over these last few weeks, it seemed like a good time to talk about how to move forward and start to heal after abuse. Of course, this is a huge topic, so we’re getting started with how to manage the effects of sexual trauma on your own. Next week, we’ll talk about navigating the waters with new partners. The healing process looks different for every person, but here are some steps that you may find helpful.

Acknowledge the Trauma

First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge that you’ve been traumatized. Denial, distancing, and minimizing are extremely common reactions for sexual trauma survivors. My clients say things like, “That happened so long ago,” “Other people have had it way worse than I have,” or “It wasn’t even that bad.”

It’s difficult to acknowledge sexual trauma because it’s something you didn’t want to have happen in the first place. Having to acknowledge it feels even more painful. A lot of male survivors struggle to acknowledge sexual trauma, since we stereotypically believe that only women can be victims.

If you catch yourself minimizing your trauma, you can say to yourself something like, “I know it’s hard to acknowledge that I’ve been abused. But it did happen, and it needs my attention. I deserve to acknowledge what happened to me, and to heal.”

Don’t Blame Yourself

On the other side of the spectrum, a lot of sexual trauma survivors blame themselves for what happened. Society and the media can be immensely victim-blaming, and it can be hard not to internalize those beliefs. You may believe that you were at fault due to the clothing you were wearing, the way you acted, the things you said, or the situation you put yourself into. But please know that victims can never, ever be at blame for their abuse.

Be Aware of Potential Impacts

Sexual trauma is incredibly difficult because not only do you have to deal with the act itself, you also have to cope with its ongoing effects. This kind of trauma can drastically alter your relationship to yourself and to your body, your relationships with others, and your sex life. Many survivors aren’t prepared for the ongoing effects, especially if they’ve minimized or distanced themselves from their abuse.

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It can be helpful to know some of the common response patterns that survivors may experience, such as:

Getting scared or jumpy when approached, talked to, or touched in specific ways

Feeling hypervigilant

Having a hard time trusting others

Feeling scared of losing control

Dissociating during sex. Feeling like you go somewhere else mentally

A low or nonexistent sex drive

Difficulty getting turned on or reaching orgasm

Feeling disconnected from your body, or even hating your body

Not knowing how to make healthy and safe decisions about sexual activity

Sexual pain conditions and health issues, like vulvodynia or UTIs

It’s important to get a sense of which effects are showing up in your life. This comes back to acknowledgement. The first step in any healing process is acknowledging what the problem is. Once you have a sense of how this trauma is showing up in your life, you can start taking steps to address it.

Identify Your Triggers

In a similar vein, it may also help to start to create a trigger list. Sexual abuse survivors often get triggered by certain actions or words. Try to start gathering information on what triggers you. When you do feel scared, uncomfortable, or nervous? When do you feel dissociated? What words, actions, or activities don’t feel safe?

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Creating this list can be a tremendously sad experience for many sexual abuse survivors. For that reason, I also recommend creating a safe list. What sexual actions or activities do feel safe to you? Write down any little item on your list, no matter how small or inconsequential it may seem.

Come Up With Goals

Many sexual abuse survivors feel like their abuse has taken their sex life away from them. They no longer feel in control. You can help yourself start to regain that control by thinking of goals for your sex life. What do you want your sex life to look like? What do you want to feel comfortable doing or saying? How do you want to relate to your body, to yourself, or to others?

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Take Really Good Care of Yourself

Sexual trauma can take a huge toll on your relationship with yourself and lead to depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other mental health issues. It can tank your self-esteem, and even make you hate yourself. It can be particularly tough on your relationship with your body—it may seem difficult to feel present in your own skin. You may even feel like your body betrayed you during the abuse itself.

It’s crucial that you take exquisitely good care of yourself. Ignore the negative thoughts and impulses that may be running through your head, and try to be an incredible friend to yourself. You may have favorite self-care activities that you already know you enjoy, like cooking healthy meals or getting plenty of sleep. Or it may be time to brainstorm a new self-care routine. What does your body really like doing? When do you feel the most at home in your own skin? When do you feel happy, calm, safe, or content? Possibilities include exercising, taking a bath, sitting in the sun, cuddling with your pet, wearing favorite items of clothing, journaling, meditating, or watching movies. Try to do at least one kind thing for yourself every day.

Get Support

You should never, ever feel like you have to manage the impacts of sexual trauma alone. What happened wasn’t your fault, and you deserve plenty of support in processing it. I highly recommend getting personal therapy. It doesn’t matter what type of therapy you choose; just find someone you like and start processing. You may also find it helpful to join a support group. You can also call the RAINN hotline at 800.656.HOPE whenever you’re feeling alone or want someone to talk to. Feeling supported is vital to the healing process.