Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME WE HAD A GINGER IN THE FAMILY

Here's a fun little guessing game any moron should be able to play. My adorable daughter and her husband paid a visit yesterday and shared some joyous news. I'm told some of you are practically cretins so I provided a fairly heavy-handed clue, left.

Yes, that's right: my daughter has a hideous, redheaded tumour. It's completely benign and I removed it myself after dinner with nothing but my bare hands and a spatula.

Har har, of course I'm kidding: my beloved child is with child.

Let's gloss over the distasteful fact that this makes me a granny (I will insist that you refer to me as a Gramazon) and skip right to the part about this being fabulous.

As you can see, my child is a beauty. Her husband is also quite a looker. They're both darkly exotic and doe-eyed, so I've decided wish a ginger on them. It's genetically unlikely but, using my heretofore unrevealed powers of voodoo, I can make it so. Because for one thing, we don't have any gingers in our family and for another, nobody likes to see one family with that much good looks. It's unseemly. It's unfair. It's unheard of ... not even the royals have been able to achieve it.

Example: Diana: Beautiful. Wills: Started out cute and then went all Princess Anne.Harry: Adorable, but in a questionable-sireage type of way. Charles: I rest my case.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Omigod! I'm going to be an uncle!MY NOTE: Uh, nooooo. You're going to be a satyr. Those voodoo powers I mentioned ...

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.