August 27, 2009

The 2008-2009 Hot Dog and Jesus Awards: Day 4

KODJO: Welcome to Day 4 of the Hot Dog and Jesus Awards. It’s been quite a ceremony thus far. Someone almost died yesterday – did you see that! It was kind of cool, don’t you think?

Yep, Jonah didn't make it through the night and may his soul R.I.P. Let's observe a ten second moment of silence for our former Hot Dog and Jesus Awards host.

*Crowd quiets for approximately seven seconds. Someone loudly boos.*

Alright, enough of that, there are more awards to give away so let’s just get right to it – here to present our next award is someone you have no doubt seen at every BU sporting event. You’ve definitely seen him and said, "oh damn there's the one black BU hockey fan." But there’s a catch – he’s not even black! It's all good yo'. However, in case of an emergency he can be used as a psuedo-black dude.

Put your hands together for Mr. J. Manuel Dotel:

MANNY: Hey everybody. I go to a lot of sporting events, believe dat. I know all the players, the teams, you name it - and I'm talkin' on a personal level here. I'll tell you the weight of every single BU athlete and each of their favorite color, but it's a passion - I can't deny my desire. Clearly, I’m a fan and being a BU fan and this past year was totally Boner Jams '03.

There were some not awesome parts though, and most of the time these not so awesome parts were going to schools that weren’t BU to watch sports. It’s time to reflect on some of those awful sites, so here are the nominees for the Worst Venue:

Matthews Arena - Northeastern

Conte Forum - Newton College

Tsongas Arena - UMass-Lowell

SEFCU Arena - Albany

Lavietes Pavillion - Harvard

Hmmmmmmm, these all suck. Someone has to win though, but at the end of the day these nominees are all losers.

Drumroll baby, do your thing:

The Worst Venue of 2008-2009 is…...Tsongas Arena, home to the lowly Riverhawks. There was no place more full of bandwagoners, overpriced nachos, undercooked chicken fingers, and overall redneck personnel than in Tsongas. For that you can reward yourself with something – a Hot Dog and Jesus award. Congratulations, we will now set you on fire!

KODJO: Wow. Some choice words from Mr. Dotel. I can’t blame him though. I once went to Tsongas for a Lowell Devils game – yeah, a black man can like AHL hockey, you got a problem??? I got a plate of nachos – no joke, I had diarrhea for days. I’ve never pooped so much in my life.

ENOUGH!

I can tell I’m turning those ladies in the front row off.

*Looks and winks at the cheerleadering team. They giggle with excitement.*

Aight, aight, aight, enough bathroom talk. Let’s keep this show rolling. The opposite of the worst is the best, so here to present the award for the Best Venue is my boy, Andy Beatman, cheeaaaaaaaa:

BEATMAN: Ayo, whatup playboyz. Kodjo up and near ruined my presentation – he told you all what I’m giving out. Why should I waste your time and mine then? There’s drinks to be drank and food to be eaten backstage - I'm talking some buffalo chicken things and then there's a bangin' vegan tray - I’m trying to get my free munch on. So here you go, the nominees for best venue:

Case Gymnasium

Nickerson Field

Agganis Arena

Matthews Arena

The Verizon Center

BEATMAN: Yo, what the hell? How can Matthews be in it for best and worst? Whatever man, I’m not here to try to justify any of these nominations - that's for The Braut and the Holy to decide on. Drumroll baby:

The winner for Best Venue is, BOOM, The Verizon Center. This Hot Dog and Jesus award will go in the trophy case in the Verizon Center. It served home to the National Championship that now belongs to BU, so they’re getting something in return. Big ups to them. Peace be with you all.

KODJO: Oh word. That’s tight, that’s tight. Good stuff right there. I been to DC once – mad homeless people. Like, they’re all angry and stuff.

Forget DC though, we’re here in Montgomery, Alabama, where it’s all going down. Let’s keep it going now - here to present our next award, you might know him as the Baby Gorilla of the BU fan section, ladies and gentlemen, brace yourself – crew release the Baby Gorilla:

*Suddenly a baby gorilla wearing a BU hockey jersey and oversized adult diaper comes out from backstage. The audience can’t decipher if this is a man dressed up as a baby gorilla, an actual baby gorilla, or Sasquatch's uglier, cloned child. The creature yells loudly in inaudible noises.*

KODJO: Translator, please come out here and help us with this.

*One-time Hot Dog and Jesus Award winner Flute Guy comes out from backstage. The crowd instantly stands and gives him a loud round of applause.*

KODJO: Oh em gee – Flute Guy, what are you doing here? You RSVPed “no” to Hot Dog and Jesus – they were crushed and delayed this whole show months, hoping you would be able to come.

FLUTE GUY: Well, I made some rearrangement in my schedule. I needed to be here for my dear costumed friends.

KODJO: No doubt they’re happy to have you, but can you translate what this beast is saying?

FLUTE GUY: I’m well-versed in over ten languages, including Spanish, Italian, Japanese, penguin, of course French *winks at the BU cheerteam. They can hardly contain their excitement as they giggle.* Russina, and also infant gorilla. This shouldn’t be an issue.

*Flute guy slaps the baby gorilla hard across the face. It beings to cry. Flute guy shows little to no remores and yells something that doesn’t sound like any particular language at the baby gorilla, who begins to grunt back. Flute guy begins translating*

FLUTE GUY: I am here, offering peace, and to present an award. I pooped my diaper. Here are the nominees for the most hated school:

Boston College

UMBC

Vermont

Northeastern

Binghamton

FLUTE GUY: So many schools far less superior to ours. Only one can take the award though. Here, open this, baby gorilla.

*Flute guy hands the baby gorilla an envelope. He struggles trying to open it, having little ability with his thumbs.*FLUTE GUY: Here, I got it. Drumroll, please:

FLUTE GUY: The winner for the most hated school is….Northeastern, you assholes!

Here to accept the award is the 1985 version of Paws. No joke, you look like you just climbed out of a dumpster full of gonorrhea and mutated strains of syphilis , but take your award.

*The 1985 Paws comes on stage to accept the award. The baby gorilla hands Paws the award and then suddenly attacks him. The baby gorilla mounts the NU mascot and beings violently striking him across the face. Suddenly the baby gorilla is feasting on the mascot.*

FLUTE GUY: OH, THE HUMANITY. Someone needs to do something!! This award needs to be claimed!!

*2008 version of Paws sprints to stage, grabs the award, and quickly runs off. Flute Guy begins yelling at the baby gorilla, who doesn’t respond, but continues to feast on Paws. Flute Guy runs back off stage, then quickly back on.*

FLUTE GUY: I hate to have to do this, but we have to slow the show down a little bit. We just don't have the permits to allow a baby gorilla to devour a mascot on stage.

*The curtain drops over the stage to hide the baby gorilla and Paws. Flute Guy stands in front of the curtain, looking slightly nervous for the first time in his life. Shotgun shots are heard. Flute Guy now looks uncomfortable for the first time in his life.*

FLUTE GUY: Okay, this has become a little awkward. That baby gorilla probably has an STD now, and I’m going to go drink backstage. Cheerteam, you know where I'll be here’s Kodjo to hopefully move this show along again.

KODJO: Wow, that took a weird turn really quickly. The show must go on though. Here to present our next award – a very special one – is one of the biggest heroes in BU history – Mr. Mike Eruzione.

*The crowd starts chanting USA.*

ERUZIONE: Thank you. Thank you. Each year someone stands out so far from their peers it can’t help but be remembered. Each year someone really leaves their mark on the school, the community, everyone really. These types of people need to be recognized with a special type of award.

This year’s lifetime achievement award winner goes to someone who won’t possibly be forgotten by the sports fans of BU. His name will live forever, not really because of solely his athletic abilities, but because of what type of person he was and is on the field and off– a great human being through and through.

I’m so proud to present this year’s lifetime achievement award to the one, the only, Mr. Jon Jonsson!!!

JON: Thank you so much for this award. Each day I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I ask myself, how can I make this day the greatest day ever? Not just for myself, but for everyone I see? I like making people happy and in doing so I find that I myself stay happy. It’s a great thing I have going.

Life is short, man. No one knows when you’re living your last day. That’s why you need to live everyday to the absolute fullest. You need to laugh, you need to cry, you need to experience a wide range of emotions on a daily basis – you need to find ways to make yourself happy and do all you can to ensure that, each and every day.

I’m happy to get this award. It means a lot. I really enjoyed my senior year at BU. Hot Dog and Jesus and the rest of the fans made the soccer games fun, and it was a great year, once again.

I leave you with this – try hard in everything you do. Enjoy it all – find the good in people, even if they’re bad. Love someone, love something. Life is for living, so live it large.

Thanks, stay well!

KODJO: I’m moved to tears, man. Moved to tears. On this note, I gotta give the stage up to Jon, man. He earned this award and now he’s treating everyone to his music. It'll make you have an emotional orgasm.

Tsongas by far from the list presented. Sucks to get there in Friday traffic. Who the hell can eat the slop they serve as food (the french fries alone should be declared toxic waste)? And all those MA/NH border town white boys with their caps on sideways driving around in mom's Kia Sport playing bad gansta rap on the CD. What gives with that?