Friday, December 5, 2014

When people
picture an abusive or controlling man, they imagine him yelling, threatening,
or attacking with his fists. These images do capture one aspect of the
experience of a woman who has a destructive partner, but at the same time they
leave so much out.

They particularly miss one of the most insidious forms of
relationship poison, which is when the man relentlessly – but not necessarily
loudly -- badgers, criticizes, pressures, and guilt-trips the woman until she
gives in. This kind of vise-grip approach, where he just keeps tightening up
the pressure until she can’t take it, is especially common regarding sex, but
it comes about other issues as well.

Why is this
pressure so toxic? One of the key reasons is that the woman comes out blaming
herself. Over and over again, women say to me, “Well, I let him get away with
it,” or, “I was stupid to put up with it.” Her partner has made her feel that
she made a voluntary choice, so she feels responsible for causing her own harm
to herself.

But the decision
wasn’t voluntary at all. You are not making a free choice if it follows an
unending barrage of verbal pushing. And this is even more true when that
pushing includes insults and guilt-tripping. This style of man is sending the
message that you are bad and that you
are inferior if you don’t give in to his demands.

And there
usually is a threat, even if he isn’t openly saying that he is going to hurt
you. He is often sending the message that he is going to be cold or mean to you
for days to come if he doesn’t get his way – because that’s what he’s done in
the past when you haven’t given in. Or he may get it across that he is going to
cheat on you if don’t do what he is telling you to do. Threats don’t have to be
overt to be powerful.

You are not
a voluntary participant when you have been bullied into doing things that you
didn’t believe you should have to do. And when a man bullies you into sexual
contact that you didn’t want, or into a specific sexual act that you didn’t
want, that’s sexual assault not lovemaking.

(This post is based on an entry from Lundy's forthcoming book "Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men", which will be released by Berkley Books (Penguin) on April 7, 2015.)