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Updated on
October 20, 2010,
K.S.
asks from Saint Paul, MN
on
October 19, 2010

School Bully -- Does This Approach Seem OK?

My kindergartner has been dealing with a bully. We already made 1 call to his teacher and she remarked that she had been about to call us to notify us that D was being physically picked on and to tell us the steps she had already taken to stop it.

A little background. My son D is on the small side. In fact, turned 5 in August. But he is academcially and emotionally ahead of his peers. Maybe because he is just wired that way and maybe because he has an older brother to mimic. Whatever the case...He remains pretty dismissive about the bullying. Simply shrugs his shoulders and reports that "Sometimes I play with L and he doesn't hit me and sometimes I play with him and he does". But I wonder how much more patient he can be and so I want to reach out to the teacher again. The latest incident was a head butt that left a goose egg on Ds head and required a trip to the nurse and a dose of Tylenol. BUT....! I don't want to over-react or be "that annoying parent".

What do you say Mamas? Can you give this email a read through before I press "Send" and let me know if it comes across as too pushy or hysterical? Thanks!

I heard from D that he is still being bullied by L. The latest incident (from what I could gather from D's telling which admittedly could be missing critical information), occurred on 10/18/10 during lunch. D told us that L head-butted him and that he was hurt enough to request a visit with the school nurse. He also said he was unable to go back and finish lunch.

Can you confirm what has been going on lately? D was pretty dismissive about the bullying at first but he (and his worried parents! = ) may not be OK with it for much longer. Despite being one of the smaller kindergartners, D is pretty patient and "tough" and confident in himself and so I think for now he is OK. But I would like to work on a plan to provide D with tools to avoid L or defend himself (not physically...but emotionally) from being a target for bullying. I worry that other kids might assume because L can bully D, that they can too.

I am certain that the district has an anti-bullying policy that can be leveraged to address this situation and am happy to let you work your magic. Just keep us in the loop and let us know how we can help support whatever your approach might be. My husband has said he would be willing to speak to L's mother about the situation when he sees her at SACC. But if you think that would not be a good idea at this time, please let me know.

For the record, my older son has also been impacted by L's inappropriate physical acting out at SACC and has witnessed L doing it to others.

So What Happened?™

Thanks for all your help. It really helped to hear how the tone sounded to others. *Sigh* The day I sent the email and made the follow-up call, I find out the teacher was about to report to me that L had bit my son. Seriously? Biting? She confirmed (again) that D’s telling the truth when he says he is not instigating the behavior…That it is not boys-will-be-boys stuff. Anyhoooo…A teacher-principal call with the parent is scheduled for today and D’s teacher said she’d get back to me with the results, their plans, etc. later today. I have been really happy with the school’s response so far.
1.) Used the “just call” suggestion but also sent the email because I want to have a paper trail in case this escalates.
2.) I took out the references to D being dismissive or OK for now. Turns out I got an immediate and concerned response from the school...So I probably could've left it in.
3.) The steps that had already been taken to address L’s physical and verbal acting out included making sure he didn’t sit at D’s table, making sure they were no longer “line buddies”. And making sure they didn’t sit together at lunch. Obviously, this isn't working.
4.) It was really important to me to set an understanding tone because as much as I want to protect my son, there is also a small part of me that knows that a 5-6 year old bully is not malicious or psychotic. The bully very likely has academic, family, and perhaps psychological problems. My mother’s heart wants L to get help – Not to just be punished.
5.) Turns out…This child has required intense school-to-parent intervention since the first week of school. However, the mother is as it was delicately phrased to me “overwhelmed”. It is a comfort (small comfort) that several resources at the school have him (and his mother) on their radar.
6.) My son read an entire Dr Seuss book to us last night. Whatever is going wrong re: bullying….So much is clearly going really well for D! Not only academically…D’s heart must be made of gold because he said to me, “You know what mom? L doesn’t have any friends and he can’t read. He is having a tough time. He’s not a baddie but I can’t be friends with him until he stops hitting me.”

Featured Answers

J.P.
answers from Boise
on
October 19, 2010

This definitely isn't too pushy or hysterical. I would almost say it is a bit too calm. I don't know the relationship that you have with the teacher, and you don't mention what the plan is, or what punishments L has received or the involvement of his parents, so maybe this has all been dealt with, but I would be much more upset by this. I would demand that something be done about this NOW, that it has gone on too long, and that it needs to stop immediately. His parents need to know what is going on and it needs to be addressed at all levels.

More Answers

I would talk directly with the teacher and not send an e-mail. You need more info. Writing takes too long and can be very confusing.

You didn't say what the teacher has already done. Knowing that would be helpful in making suggestions for what else, if anything, could be done.

It does sound to me that your son is handling the situation appropriately and in a manner that is satisfactory to him. If he doesn't feel bullied then step back and wait to see how this progresses. Do not create a bully by giving him and the other boy a label. Boys are often rough and do not intend to harm each other. Children can get angry instantly and get over it just as quickly. Impulse control is limited at this age.

It may be this boy needs to learn more socially accepted ways of handling his emotions. At 5 this behavior is common. Sounds like the teacher is on top of it. Calling the boy a bully does not change his behavior and in fact is likely to slow down his learning. The term bully is so emotionally charged, I would expect his parents to take offense and react in anger instead of co-operation.

Focus on improving the situation instead of labeling it. Five year olds are just beginning to learn how to treat each other. Your son is way head of the game. Good for him and you for providing the environment for him to learn self-confidence.

You describe your son as being patient, tough, and confident. This is all you could ask for in defense of bullies. Please relax, trust your son and his teacher.

Honest feedback on the email (as a school administrator)- it's wordy and it will just get skimmed. I would email the teacher and request a face-to-face meeting to discuss the situation of which she is already well aware. I would ask that the principal be part of the meeting as well.

When you meet with them keep the mindset that they are likely very aware of this child and most likely know ALOT of info that they cannot share with you. Share with them your specific concerns (not a list of dates and events) and ask them what specifically is being done to address the situation and what you can do at home to reinforce the message.

After the meeting, follow up with a summary email that clearly states the specifics and "who-does-what". Make sure that you outline the chain of communication, should another episode occur.

In the meantime, speak with your son and find out how he feels about the whole situation (or have his older brother chat with him). Technically, if your son isn't intimidated by the child, it's not "bullying". I know, I know... it is bullying but your son may not perceive it that way. I would have a chat with your son about what you expect him to do which could include that he's not to play with this child unless there is an adult around.

I would also tell your son that if the child comes after him and there are no adults around, hit him as hard as he can in the stomach. Yes folks, this is what I used to tell my students when I was working as a psychologist. FIRST "use your words"- yell for an adult and walk away. If that doesn't work, hit the kid- hard. It won't likely happen again. If this kid's a problem, the principal probably won't overly punish your child.

this is such a huge touchy subject- I have been on both sides of this, and it sucks either way. My son is now 10 and the daycare that keeps him after school specifically will tell me- he's not doing anything wrong, but...Younger kids will go home and say Andrew is mean, because Andrew won't play with them, the parents come back at the day care wanting to know who the bully is being mean to their kid, so they have to come to me incase it gets reported to the state, it's just craziness. And my son was picked on when he was younger- I prefer picked on rather than bullied. They are two totally different things- and in kindergarten- I would imagine bullying isn't the proper term. I would be willing to bet that this other kid has older siblings who pick on him at home- so this is what he knows how to do. My brother picked on me and me on my sister- but we didn't carry that behavior out of the house- some kids just don't know the boundary or difference. I tend to think if it's not bothering your kid, then it's really nothing to stress over

K., I would leave out the part in the letter about your son being dismissive. I would also leave out the part about your husband talking to the mother.

What you need to put in the letter is that you EXPECT the SCHOOL to talk to L's parents and that you expect the bullying to stop. Your letter is far too nebulous from an outsider's point of view about the child doing the bullying, as if it is YOUR son's job to learn how to deal with bullying, or the school's job to teach him how to deal with the bullying. It's the school's job to stop the bully, pure and simple. Tell them you want to know that they have called the parents in for a meeting.

You don't have to be so sugar-sweet nice in your letter. It doesn't actually help you with this, I promise. Be too nice, and the bullying will continue. Be respectful but let them know you want results, and you'll get farther, quicker, with the school. (The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and your son will stop getting goose-egg bumps on his head.) Btw, your letter should actively describe the injuries this boy has visited upon your son. (Again, what you said is too nebulous.)

I agree with the other poster about taking out the dismissive part, I also think that you should take out the part about not being ok with it much longer. Let them know that you are not ok with it & never will be. It needs to stop yesterday. I'm also not sure that your husband should say anything by himself. Maybe you could have a meeting with the principle with all involved.

I wish you all the best with this. No child should have to go through this.

Call & write. Don't put the school or teachers on the defense since this bully child is probably already noticed as a problem. Your job is to protect your kids. Tell the teacher you think you need to make the principal aware since this seems bigger than just the classroom. Then later in the day call the principal. This give the teacher some time to advise the principal before you call. This is your child and you need to protect him. Once you finish the conversation with the principal tell him you're going to follow up with an email to summarize the conversation. REgardless of whether your son needs tools to deal ith bullies - this child who is the bully needs to be addresses ASAP. This child is being bullied somewhere else in his life, maybe at home by a step father, or mom's boyfriend, or an older kid in the neighborhood. Your job is to protect your son. go mamma!

Your letter needs to only document facts - what you saw and what you heard, and the dates. No extra words. No assumptions that "so I think for now he is OK". Then BE PUSHY! Go talk with the teacher and then the principal. Get the written policy from the school and insist that it is followed to the letter. This is your chance to teach your children how to deal with bullies, and that is directly and immediately!

(Your son visited the school nurse and they didn't inform you of the details?? I would be very concerned about how school policies are followed.)

1) this is unacceptable.... that the Bully is continuing this behavior

2) It is the school's responsibility... to deal with it...

3) Your Priority... is your child... and making sure he is not bullied

4) it does not matter that your son is 'dismissive' about it... he is young... a child needs the PARENTAL help, to stop it. If this happened in an office among adults at work... it would not be tolerated... and you would do something about it...

5) it is not your child's response to it, that dictates what should be done... because... BULLYING... is just NOT appropriate... no matter what... so stop it.

6) You document everything, and write letters... and follow-up.

7) That Bully's parents... ALSO has to be dealt with, by the school... and they need to do things which will correct the child... and the whole scenario...

8) The TEACHER, is also responsible for following up... AND talking the entire class, about PROPER behavior and saying that Bullying is NOT ALLOWED, and that there will be consequences for it.
That is what ALL my daughter's Teachers did... whenever there was a Bully in class.

9) At the same time, you parent your child... and teach him right and wrong... that ANY Bullying, is wrong.. and that he tell you and the Teacher... right away. You teach your child, how to handle Bullying... this is your role for your child at home...

10) Again, it does not matter... how "patient"/confident/tough your son is about it all... because, "Bullying" is simply WRONG... and your son, needs to KNOW... what wrong behavior is... and that it is not allowed.
Teach him to not play with Bullies, to speak up and say "STOP... ", to Tell the Teacher, to go and play with someone else... and to speak up with any wrongdoing...

11) you also teach him... what a 'friend' is... that friends do NOT do things like this... and if someone is doing that to them... then he needs to tell you... and that child is not a friend... or can harm him. That ANYTIME another child or adult harms him... this is simply WRONG etc.

The show 20/20, last week had an episode on Bullying... and they said it is EPIDEMIC in the United States... and it is a really big problem... among kids, of all ages. So.. you TEACH your child about it... and REPORT it to the school... and DEMAND they properly, handle it and the Bullying kid.
Your son was already head-butted by that Bully... I would not tolerate this any longer. I would DEMAND the school do something about it...

My Daughter, was bullied before... in Preschool and in 1st Grade. I did NOT tolerate it nor just sit back and say "oh well.. my daughter is dismissive about it.... " etc. No... my daughter KNEW it was wrong, she told me and the Teacher.. and I dealt with it swiftly and right away... and they reprimanded the child... who it turned out, was a chronic Bully... and to other kids. The school, needed parents like me... who gave them proof and in writing...and FORMALLY complained... so that they could then deal with that child and her parents.
So... you NEED to do something about it.

This sounds like normal kid stuff but your son does not need to deal with this. Does his older brother go to the same school? I remember when I was in first grade and another girl was bothering me. My sister went up to the girl and told her that if she messed with me again, she would have to deal with her. The other girl never bugged me again. My sister would visit my side of the school about once a month just to let the girl know she was still there.

This definitely isn't too pushy or hysterical. I would almost say it is a bit too calm. I don't know the relationship that you have with the teacher, and you don't mention what the plan is, or what punishments L has received or the involvement of his parents, so maybe this has all been dealt with, but I would be much more upset by this. I would demand that something be done about this NOW, that it has gone on too long, and that it needs to stop immediately. His parents need to know what is going on and it needs to be addressed at all levels.

Don't talk, write. Ask your principal for a copy of the distrcts Anti harrassment, anti bullying policy and ask for information about exactly how to file a complaint yourself. Follow the instructions, if you do not follow the instructions to the letter, the school can, and will ignore you. There is some specific langague that you need to use if the bullying continues, and that is, that you have informed the school of the situation, and if they ignore it, they are "deliberately indifferent" to the hostile school climate, which makes them responsible for what happens. You may not want to use those words just yet, but if the situation escalates, or if you get nowhere, you may want to consider it. That is the langague that will get their attention, and any time you write, instead of talking, you have thier attention.

Even though you do not wish to be "that parent" the other set of parents needs this information about thier son, and you need to make sure that they get documentation about this issue so that they can get him the help he needs. That does not happen for most kids until this pattern is so well established, that there is not much anyone can do to help. So, my advice would be, don't be "that parent" that let this go so early, and help both boys by using the policy to document this before something worse happens, even if that "something" does not happen for many years, and happens to somebody other than your son, or is just that L ends up never getting the help that he needs.

Do not approach L's parents. Let the school handle this. They have an affirmative obligation to do so, which is why they have the policy in place to beging with.

It is not normal behavior for a 5 year old or 6 year to head butt someone during lunch. When my son was in first grade a girl bit him on the hand during lunch and I had to pick him up, take him to the doctor, get blood work, go on antibiotics...what a pain in the butt but come to find out this girl was constantly an issue for my son. Sometimes she was nice sometimes not and it turned out that she had some type of disability/disorder that caused the behaviors she was not doing it to be mean.
Now if this child is completely normal (the teacher can't tell you if the child has a problem) this is horrible. I have known bullies but I have never seen one be physical like that at such a young age it wasn't until middle school where they would walk by someone and knock a tray out of their hands, trip them, push them into lockers, etc. Something needs to be done why is this other child so physical? Most of the bullies I went to school with had rough lives at home and didn't know any other way to act. I'm not trying to make excuses for this child but I think it helps to know the entire story. So yes I think its a good idea to speak with the boy's mom let her know how he acts towards your child.
edited: with your son saying that L doesn't have any friends makes me think even more that he may have some disorder. I think if you speak with L's mom you may just get a better understanding of where L is coming from then you can better explain things to your son. My son had issue with a child and yes I believe the biting my son was bit and the other child was not punished because she autistic along with other issues. I felt better after chatting with her mom on a field trip because I felt the school wasn't doing anything. I was able to explain to my son that sometimes when J did these things she was not doing them to be mean but because she has X and cannot help how she behaves sometimes so i she did something he just needed to say J I" do not like when you do xyz please do not do it anymore." and then to let an adult near by know.

Boys are different than girls in the way that boys will sometimes be friends but throw a fist once in a while where girls will get mad and stay mad and never be friends again... Then turns into a gang up on one girl bully situation.

What is the best way for a bullied child to respond to a bully? The bullied child will ideally be able to identify the bullying behaviors, know that they stem from personal dysfunction of the bully, and thus not personalize the attack. A bullied child should report the bullying behavior to his/her parents and school officials. Greater supervision of the bully and the bullied child will be warranted for purposes of protection. Depending on the nature of the bullying behavior, perhaps the bullied child can desensitize or ignore the bullying behavior. The bullied child should practice assertive behavior. The bullied child should look his/her bully in his/her eyes and calmly say, “That’s not ok. You should treat people with respect.” Some bullies respond well to humor used by their victims. Often, trying new responses that catch bullies off guard can be successful in averting bullying behaviors. A bullied child should discuss his/her response strategies with parents and school officials prior to engaging in those strategies. As the strategy is employed, school officials, parents, and the bullied child may want to visit periodically to ensure that the bullying behaviors have been resolved. If there has been no resolution, new strategies should be planned. In rare cases, either the bully or the bullied child may need to be transferred to a different classroom. However, in most cases, with proper classroom supervision and redirection (from school staff as well as the bullied child), bullying behaviors can be remediated...http://blog.nannies4hire.com/school-bullying/383

My opinion as a teacher: You are very calm and obviously are putting a lot of faith into the teacher's ability and the probability that she will address this situation and end the bullying. I would not be that passive about it. I assume that this letter is to the teacher, not the principal? This is not the first time you have talked with the teacher about the bullying, and while she can't be everywhere all the time, she should be keeping a very close eye on the two boys and making extra effort to ensure they aren't physically close to each other as much as possible. You should definitely step up your offense- meet with the teacher often to get verbal reports (and write notes on your discussions, document everything), and if there's no end to the bullying, call in the principal and meet all together. You need to work closely with them so that together, you can put a stop to this. You can even request a meeting with them and the other boy's parents. Bullying is such an emotional issue that can destroy the victim, that I wouldn't sit back and see if this stops "sometime". This is only kindergarten; he has a lot more years of school with this boy, and if it's not stopped now, the bullying has the potential to get much worse with time. I also doubt very much your son is the only boy this kid is picking on. Do his parents know what's going on? Good luck with this!

Try to let the school handle it without giving "L's" parents your name or your child's name - ask for anonymity first. If you don't get results, find out where the child lives and go talk to his parents alone without your child. We had a similar incident, skipped going thru the school, and after talking to the kids parents he never bullied our 8 yr. old son again. If that doesn't work, call the school district and/or police.

Great letter! I would let your son defend himself physically if he needs to though and put that in the letter. I tell my sons if anybody hits them they are most certainly allowed and encouraged to hit them back. IMO this will do more for their self esteem than walking away and it will empower them to deal with the bully themselves.

Did the nurse call you about the goose egg? a head injury is serious enough for a call AND a ramp-up in dealing with the situation.

I also want to add that please don't worry about being "that" parent. This is how SO many parents feel that I run into. I am in a position of leadership in my school district and get all kind of complaining from people about policies and such. But when I tell them to take it to the people who can make a difference (principal or superintendent) they don't want to be "that" parent. Since when did advocating for your child become a bad thing???

be aggressive...an by all means involve his parents..they probably have no clue..get everyone on board...head butting...dang ouch..lucky your son didnt get a concussion from this...whats next?? being stabbed with scissors?? a broken bone??...id be raising the districts roof...if im correct bullying is considered illegal an is handled as such....