I rate every animal

Tag Archives: lovable scamp

The raccoon dog, a.k.a. the tanuki, used to be bad. It was a malevolent force, a trickster spirit with cruel aims. Since those days, it’s gone straight – or at least somewhat. It’s still an impish prankster, but a lovable, mostly harmless one.

Aww, you scamp.

Special powers

The raccoon dog has a beautiful, soft coat of fur. In fact, mankind hunts the raccoon dog for its fur, on account of we are nature’s ultimate prick. It is a superb musician; its instrument of choice is its own belly as a drum. As one can guess by this choice, its talents are more in the area of technical skill than satisfying songwriting.

Also, it is a shape-shifter.

Weaknesses

The raccoon dog has an enormous scrotum. Most any person who has a scrotum will tell you it is a very fragile weak spot. The raccoon dog may as well paint a big target on its crotch while it’s at it. It’s like that classic schoolyard song goes: “Tan-tan-tanuki no kintama wa, kaze mo nai no ni, bura bura.”[1]

It gets seasick.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

Sake.

Celebrity birthdays

The raccoon dog shares a birthday with…

Gerard Butler, whose real name is Gerald Butrer.

Kim Jong-Un, who has his basketball number shaved into the back of his head every month.

Judah Friedlander, who, for the credits in every episode of 30 Rock, performed his famous point live.

He nailed it every time.

What if it fought a bear?

The raccoon dog would befriend the bear and get it drunk. We’re looking at arm-in-arm “Piano Man” singing within three hours.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The raccoon dog is friendly, fluffy, and jolly. As long as you train yourself to avoid staring it directly in the scrotum, it’s a good time. At least until you remember you have work in the morning.

9/10

[1]“Tanuki’s balls, there isn’t any wind but they still go swing, swing, swing.” It’s as true today as it was then.

The giant huntsman spider is the largest spider in the world by leg-span (although there is another that is larger by mass). Its leg-span is twelve inches, which you may know as “a foot.” Like fellow oversized creatures Marmaduke and Beethoven, the giant huntsman spider is a scamp who’s constantly getting into adorable hijinks that fluster Charles Grodin.

Aww, he thinks he’s people!

For example, the giant huntsman spider will come running with all eight legs pounding against the floor to tackle its adoptive family members when they arrive home. It’s just so happy to see them! And the feeling is mutual, though they’d prefer if the giant huntsman spider wouldn’t track in so much mud.

Special powers

The end of the workday isn’t the only time the giant huntsman spider shows its loyalty in a way that’s both endearing and exasperating. Consider also it sitting at the foot of your bed as you sleep, staring with its many eyes – waiting patiently for you to begin the morning. Such a good boy, but let me sleep in, buddy!

Weaknesses

Sometimes the giant huntsman spider’s cute antics can cost those around it, like when it got so excited on Thanksgiving and spilled the turkey on the floor or the time it dumped out Grandma’s urn to make its pentagram on the floor for The Ritual or when it ran between everyone’s legs and caused the constable to lose balance.

Oh, giant huntsman spider, when will you learn you’re not a wee spiderling any more?

The giant huntsman spider gave the bear a friendly hug as it’s so well-equipped to do. The next morning, the bear found a black spot on its paw. Three days later, it committed suicide. It’s a tragic story, but at least it got a little comfort from the giant huntsman spider before it went.