I’m not sure exactly who is writing Sarah’s speeches for her — or her infamous tweets and Facebook messages — but I’m sure they’re making a pretty penny doing the job. Still, I’m a nice guy, and I know everyone needs help now and again, so I cooked up a few sample ideas that Sarah is welcome to use in the future:

This is a pogrom of justice.

The lamestream media is committing a shoah against me.

Those gosh dang Elders of Zion need to stop publishing lies about me.

The liberal elite is poisoning the well.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! [Note: I stole this from Monty Python, but I don't think she'd care.]

I just don’t find Mel Brooks that funny.

I’m the [insert Native American, African-American, people in Darfur, Christians during Roman times here] of the political world!

So Sarah, I’m available to write for you. Just look me up on the Jewcy masthead and we can talk about compensation.