18 August 2010

Another quick update

Almost mid-way through week 29, and looking forward to next tuesday's appointment for many reasons. I'll get a glimpse of this wild animal currently inhabiting my midsection, and hopefully get a clearer picture of all that is happening in placenta and vessel land.

A recent search on google scared the crap out of my beloved sister, and, shortly thereafter, me. I have been SO GOOD and not googling stuff, and, well, yeah. So on Tuesday, unless the news is quite different regarding the vasa previa (news like, "we never said that!"), I'll be asking for a referral for a high risk OB/Maternal fetal medicine specialist to talk diagnosis and strategy. Anyone out there with a POSITIVE OUTCOME story (positives only), please please comment or write to me. Reassurance would be most welcome.

In this moment, the baby is rolling under the surface, and doing flutter kicks with the occasional wallop on the old cervix. Love love love love love this kind of reassurance more than I can say.

Genevieve, my email is icantwhistle at yahoo dot com--please feel free to write. I'd be happy to help however I can. Do you have a blog? You could even blog anonymously--the support you'll get is beyond anything you can imagine. Have you gone to cyclesista? You'll find others cycling at the same time you do, and it really helps. I swear without this on line community I would have gone completely nuts.

I am pretty convinced that this is a numbers game and is as much about luck as anything. Luck and tenacity and magic. How I wish for all of us that it were simpler.

Luck, tenacity, magic, and good vibes streaming in from all directions. :-)

I wasn't 100% certain what vasa previa was, so I visited Dr. Google. The answer I liked the most included, "When a prenatal diagnosis is obtained the survival rate is 100%." I hope you can stay focused on that success rate. Knowledge is power. I hope you land a compassionate specialist who recognizes that your baby is THE most important person in your world, and who understands that you have every right to be concerned.

And on a more positive note... movement is so exciting! It was my favorite part of pregnancy, along with trying to tell feet from elbows from knees. You're so close!! I'm still over-the-moon thrilled for you!!

I agree with Johanna. Get the referral and have a plan. I am not an alarmist, but if it is vasa previa, then err on the side of caution and diligence. Generally, bed rest is ordered eventually. My cousin had vasa previa and was on bed rest at home. The cliff's notes version is that my nephew, born early, is a happy, healthy 4 1/2 year old. But, what can happen did, in her case, so be informed.

As a woman who has been there, I understand completely how fragile and vulnerable you are feeling right now. I understand that there is so much hope and joy when you finally conceive and so many ups and downs on the journey to get there. To find out you have vasa previa might feel like a tremendous let down. Why me? What do I do? What is safest for the baby and for me? Pregnancy comes with so many questions and uncertainties and a heavy dose of maternal fear and anxiety even when things are going perfectly. Your world is once again turned upside down when you find out your pregnancy that you have worked so hard for, been through so much for, has now become complicated, far more complicated than you even could have imagined. I'm here to tell you to have faith, my friend! Have faith. I know it's hard in times of uncertainty, but it's the only thing that will keep you from going insane. You are wise to limit yourself to positive comments only. I did the same thing!! I had placenta previa (different but still very scary), and irritable uterus, and pre term labor. I spent 10 long weeks on bed rest. I would like to tell you that I had a marvelous delivery but I didn't. What I would really like to tell you, is that despite all the complications, despite days of labor and ultimately a C-section, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy who is almost 8 years old! I do believe in times like these, that God holds those of us who have been through the worst of it, in gentle loving hands, safely until our babies are born. Because, although all babies are special, you cannot know exactly how special until you have traveled the journey you are currently on. All will be well! Sending you the warmest, kindest thoughts of support and love. Many of us have been there, and you are not alone! You are not alone.

About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

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inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."