Monday, November 24, 2008

Review of the Keifer Sutherland Whisper-Fest

Fresh out of the drunk tank and ready to save Africa The World, Keifer Sutherland returned last night as "Jack Bauer" on Fox's 24 - Redemption, a two-hour teaser to the upcoming season. Seeing Jon Voight in the first couple of minutes was an instant downer. Seeing Madame President Allison Taylor, very obviously modeled on Hillary Clinton, right down to the five-syllable name, was even more depressing.

Jack is his usual self. Uttering cliches in his husky whisper (while squinting) and full of self-loathing for the things he has done, he is now some sort of farmhand missionary, working with an old Special Forces buddy (who you know will be dead by the end of this thing) at some school for lost boys in Sengala, a fake African country, lest the writers piss off any real African countries.

Bad men want the boys as soldiers. The US Government wants Jack under arrest. Can they all make it to the embassy in time for the last (shades of Vietnam) helicopter? Yes. Yes they can. But first, Jack must be tortured (it's in Sutherland's contract) and also kill a regiment of thugs by himself.

Cisco gets its usual product placement shot, this time as the secure visual communication tool of choice for none other than outgoing president Powers Boothe, who snarls and drinks in his very Powers Boothian way.

The show was also peppered with commercials for some charity that helps lost boys in Africa escape bad men who want them as soldiers, with Kefier himself doing stand-ups for the agency, leaving you with that "Kirk Cameron talks to kids about drugs" feeling after a special edition of Growing Pains.

It was a long wait and a big let-down. But Jack is now redeemed and he can go back to killing with wanton abandon. In January.

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Jetpacks Junk

Basically...

Back when we were kids, the advertising people told us that "in the future" we'd all be free from disease and living in peace, flying around with our own jetpacks. The future is now...and we're still waiting.