If I had balls, they’d be hurting right now.

I’ve been wanting to eat healthier and work out more. Scratch that. I don’t really work out except for chasing my daughter around all day so to work out more, I would have had to of worked out in the first place.

*Sidenote. It drives me crazy when an annoying 6 pound actress says “I don’t work out or I just chase my kid around all day” when really they smoke like a chimney to suppress their appetite, work out a bajillion hours a day, and eat one carrot stick a day, maybe 1 1/2 carrot sticks if they didn’t finish the one from the day before.

Anywho, since last Monday I started eating better which meant no cadbury creme eggs for me cries and I also started doing the 30 Day Shred. I’m only on level one and the workout is kicking my ass. I felt okay afterwards but by the end of the day I became as stiff as, ahem, *insert bad joke here*.

By Wednesday morning, I felt like I had been kicked around by a horse, eaten, pooped out, and kicked all over again. I was sore everywhere. Even my elbows hurt.

I’ve been having a hard time trying to find the time to work out. I’ve been doing it when the hummingbird is supposed to be napping but I have so many other things to do in such a short amount of time. Now I have the urge to hear Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper.

I can’t do it after my hubby gets home because that’s the only time I have to write and I can’t do it later since I’m such an insomniac. The last thing I need is to exercise at night and get even more hyped up before bed. And you couldn’t pay me to get up earlier than my daughter does in the morning so I can exercise.

When the hummingbird was in her Caillou trance a few days ago, I went to get a quick shower. While I was trying to remember whether or not I conditioned my hair, I thought I should just exercise while the little hummingbird is playing in the living room.

Brilliant!

She does her little toddler things that keep her occupied. Like putting her sandles on. Then taking them off. Then putting them on again. Then she takes only one off, leaves the other one on, and runs laps around the room.

So I brought my exercise mat, weights, and the badass Jillian Michaels dvd into the living room and set up.

I made sure the little girl had a snack but since the munchie mugs (which I love because she can’t get the lid off like some other snack cups) were in the dishwasher, I just got out one of her bowls and gave her crackers. Awesome crackers. Awesome roasted gorgonzola crackers that we get from Trader Joe’s. I was so tempted to scarf some but I didn’t.

I gave her the bowl of crackers and as I went to press play on the dvd player, my little girl made herself right at home on my exercise mat. The exercise mat that was covered in yummy roasted gorgonzola crackers a few seconds later. I scooped the crackers back in the bowl and ran over to get my weights as Jillian was telling me to move my ass. Okay, she really didn’t tell me that but damn, the woman is intimidating.

When my little girl went to stand up, her bowl of crackers went flying all over the mat again. I scooped them up a second time and went to do push ups while my hands crunched the crumbs of the crackers into my exercise mat. Then the hummingbird thought push ups were the most hysterical thing and was laughing at me while hitting me on the head.

I started laughing which made my already sore stomach even worse. I tried to stop laughing and focus because I feared that Jillian Michaels would kick my ass if I didn’t. Then as I went to do the cardio, my little girl accidentally dumped her bowl of crackers on the mat a third time. She still doesn’t understand that you have to hold both sides of a bowl or plate up, hence the munchie mugs I normally use.

While I was doing my arm lifts with the weights, I was thinking how kids are like cats. They ignore you but as soon as you show interest in something, they’re all like oh no you don’t, I’m just going to lay on top of the newspaper so you can’t read it. In the case of my daughter, who was happily occupied in her playhouse beforehand, she had to have my full attention when I started exercising.

Since I was in such deep thought ha, I didn’t notice my daughter walking towards the left side of me as I was lowering my arms and I bonked her on the head with one of my weights.

At first she didn’t react but I freaked out. I immediately picked her up and was giving her kisses while looking for any damage. That’s when she began to scream and cry while tears were pouring down her face. Way to go me for scaring her more with my reaction.

After only a few minutes all was well again because I turned on Caillou and I decided the 30 Day Shred and toddlers who ignore you any other time except when you want to exercise don’t mix so I’ll just have to work out when she’s taking her “nap”.

I say “nap” because she rarely naps anymore and spends her “quiet time” in her crib being really, really loud. Jump, jump, bang, jump, bang, jump, jump. I can hear her throughout the entire house and I get a nervous tic.

That’s okay though since I will forever feel bad for bonking her on the head with a 3 pound weight so we’re even. But I’m taking advice from The Momsmith after an earlier mishap and will never tell my daughter about it when she gets older since she’ll use it against me. This will just be our little secret. :^)

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time (Now I also have the urge to see Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.)

14 Responses to If I had balls, they’d be hurting right now.

I am in the same boat when it comes to getting back into the workout mode. I used to work out 5 days a week, when we could afford a gym that included childcare. Now, we have access to a free gym (no childcare) and I have a treadmill. I did great for a week, then got sick, and am now trying to find the right time to get on the treadmill. I am not liking getting up early, can’t do it during naps (someone is always fighting their nap and needs my evil eye), and at the end of the day I want to be a bump on the log. Blech.

Ok did The Shred for three days after which i got stuck somewhere near the floor in the supermarket when i bent down to get something and could not get up again …. my kids now call it ‘the shred you dread’ … and that woman’s voice, just shoot me!

I was having a WAY similar moment when Short was 4 and Shorter was 2. I ended up writing a totally corny, rhyming poem on a collection of 10 small post-it notes because it came together in my mind so fast, I couldn’t find paper quick enough to get it down.

I’d love to share it. Hope you don’t mind <3

~ My Kids ~

Oh won't you go away and play. I beg you GO!!, but still you stay.

My nerves are being tested today. You ignore every word I say.

If I sit idle on the couch, you're off to romp.. pop in and out.

But should I stand, pick up the phone… NO, Mommy can not be alone.

They need a snack, a drink, a toy. The object is to yell, annoy.

They bounce from ceiling, wall, and floor. Creating havoc they adore.

They drive me NUTS, I can't be saved. To my children I'm a slave.

All attention they demand. I pray, Alzheimers, take command.

But then the darkness falls once more. I tuck them in and close the door.

The house is silent, still, and calm. The morning holds the distant dawn.

My time has come to rest, recoop. Tomorrow promises to be a HOOT!

And on my way, I check on them. They're sleeping in a state of zen.

Angelic faces in the light. Never a more perfect sight.

My heart swells with love, an ache in my chest. They grow so much in the time you invest.

I think of the days when first they were here, and all of my reasons reappear.

Ah yes, the 30 Day Shred! I made it through a week back when we were trying to conceive. It totally kicked my butt, although I have to admit that I felt really good afterwards and by the end of the week didn’t hurt every time I moved anymore. Unfortunately heredity has me on the fast track to bad knees and they were pretty mad at me so I stopped. I’m also trying to figure out how to get the work outs in with a little one around. I chase her around and that’s great, but it sure as heck doesn’t do anything for the things she did to my belly while she was living in there. If you figure out a way to make it happen, I’d love to hear it!!

You have touched upon my biggest fear which is post-pregnancy I won’t have time to workout. I hear everyone say, “Oh you’ll lose it right away! It will FALL OFF.” But I don’t believe them. Say it isn’t so!!

I’m very impressed that you’re trying to work out with your toddler around. I’ve been trying to start running again with my daughter in a stroller but it’s so hard to get motivated. Hopefully I can get off my ass soon and get started. Good luck!

It really is hard to get motivated. I’m finding it harder to keep it up because now there’s even more distractions with my daughter. I would think never being able to sit down all day would count as exercise but my ass disagrees which is why it’s not getting any smaller. 🙂