Friday, June 29, 2012

Baseball Card Friday: ROD GILBREATH - BRAVES 1974

My man Rod Gilbreath looks like he's ready to wrassel'.
or
He's a contestant on the Amazing Race it's starting in Atlanta and he's waiting for Phil to say "Go".
or
He's getting ready to tackle the photographer because the guy's shadow is in the picture.

I love stuff like that. It's kind of cool because the photographer's shadow combined with Rod's shadow, looks like Grand Pa Simpson. The Shadow also appeared in a card a year earlier with Joe Hoerner. Both photos look like they were taken the same day.

This photographer is in 2 different cards, how cool is that. That's 2 more cards than I'm in. If he shows it to his friends I'm sure he says "They told me they were going to crop the photos."

Okay back to Rod Gilbreath.
I don't really know that much about Mr. Gilbreath. He debuted in the majors in 72 and played full time 75-78.

Checked out the back of the card. He's from Laurel, Mississippi. That's the same small town my dad is from. Therefore, Rod Gilbreath must be a good man.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Baseball has also had it's A-holes. Denny McClain, Jeff Kent or A.J. Pierzynsky who was once described by a diplomatic teammate as "an acquired taste".

Baseball has always had gritty players who play with their heart on their sleeve, like Pete Rose, Lenny Dykstra and Bryce Harper.

Baseball also has it's turds.

Last night Nyger Morgan shoved a Cincinnati fan after going into the stands after a foul ball. The fan was trying to catch a fly ball and they got tangled up and Mr. Morgan shoved him with his glove and started mouthing off to the guy in the stands.

If this was the first jackass thing Nyger Morgan did, this would be a non-issue, but this guy is a repeat offender.

Nyger Morgan is a great athlete who throws balls into the stands, curses out fans, un-necessarily runs over catchers, and he even gave himself a nickname, T-Plush.

First, Uncle T. Sean doesn't like people who give themselves nicknames. Second, these aren't the mistakes of youngster, Mr. Morgan is 30 years old, these are the actions of an immature adult. Lastly, if you're going behave like an ass, make sure you have the talent to back it up like Deion Sanders.

I didn't start this blog to be a hater...

But if you walk like a turd, talk like a turd, and act like a turd, I have to say you're Nyger Morgan.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

In the never-ending need to feed the 24 hour news beast, people
often make mountains out of molehills. To quote Samuel L. Jackson from
almost every movie he's been in "Everybody needs to chill the F out."
Some asswipe who writes for Yahoo MLB said

Umpires, like any other category of human being, make mistakes. But the
error that umpire Mike DiMuro made in Yankee Stadium on Tuesday night
defies any explanation.

Defies any explanation? Well, pull up a chair, and I'll explain it to you.

The umpire didn't ask to see the ball after the catch.

What you thought couldn't be done, I have accomplished in one
sentence.

That's
it. Since you
cover baseball, I imagine you know how the infield fly rule works and that's much more complicated than what happened last night.

I know, why didn't he ask to see the ball? That you answered in your first sentence. Human beings make mistakes. He wasn't on his game. He screwed up. That happens. I was at a Cardinal game once and saw Ozzie Smith make an error. I'm sure you think that defies any explanation, but it doesn't, Ozzie misplayed the ball.

ESPN Baseball Tonight showed the play and froze the video on the umpire looking in the stands and even drew a sight line so we could see the umpire looked at a fan holding the baseball over his head. That's right, a fan was holding the ball that Dewayne Wise was suppose to have caught.

The anchors said the umpire sees the guy with the ball. Why didn't the umpire correct his call then? A fan was holding up the ball in the stands!

I'll help you guys out, again it's not that complicated.

I don't know if you've ever attended a game at a major league stadium, but during batting practice and between innings players throw balls into the stands. Sometimes players hit foul balls into the stands. Get this, they even sell baseballs in the gift shop. So it's possible the umpire thought it might be a different ball.

The guy messed up and he should have asked Mr. Wise to see the ball, but that's all that happens.
Being an umpire is a thankless job. There's been bad calls this year. That happens every year. Should there be instant replay? Yes. To what extent? I have no idea, I'm a comedy writer. Do I think baseball will figure it out? Not correctly, but yes it looks to be moving in that direction.

This ump wasn't looking to prove a point, even a score, or feed his ego, it was just a bad call. That's all.

On the other hand, earlier this year umpire Bill Miller's ego was hurt when Brett Lawrie started towards first after what he thought was ball 4, so Mr. Miller called it a strike. Next pitch was a ball as well and Bill Miller called it a strike and Mr. Lawrie threw his helmet and it bounced up and hit Mr. Miller. I would like to say what Mr. Miller did defied any explanation, but it was just him being an asshole letting Mr. Lawrie know who was in charge of the game. I think writing about an umpire who puts himself above the game is more newsworthy than an umpire who makes a mistake.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Last week during a game in Cincinnati, Umpire Jerry Layne was struck in the head with a broken bat. The fat part of the bat knocked Mr. Layne in the left side of the head. He was taken to the hospital and checked for a concussion.

I know the answer isn't aluminum bats, but somebody better figure out something before a player, umpire or fan is killed or maimed for life. Please solve the problem before Congress gets involved.

For my part I've made a hard hitting documentary about the danger of maple baseball bats. Okay, maybe it's not so much a documentary as a new episode of Baseball Card Theater.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Hall of Fame Bound

The Rocket is getting inducted into the Baseball hall of fame. When? Now that's a good question.

The Baseball Hall of Fame vote each year is as valid as the Oscars.

He can't go in on the first ballot because Mr. Clemens must be shamed by the baseball writers association of America. Yep. That's for sure.

Plus, most people aren't worthy to go in on the first vote either. Sure they belong in the hall of fame, but not on the first ballot. You're one of the greatest the game has ever seen but not so great that you shouldn't have to wait. What?

The Baseball Writer Association of America is the dumb giant bouncer that stands outside the door of Cooperstown.

Just like anything, once you form a cool club, you know a bunch of turds are going to show up and ruin it. The baseball hall selection committee is a joke.

Never Forget Baseball's Grand History

The voters must protect baseball's illustrious past.

The voters must stand up and make a statement for the good of baseball. If this statement coincides with a grudge they have against a player, that's just a happy, yearly coincidence. But the almighty baseball committee must preserve baseball honor and remember the good old days, when baseball was wholesome and then they finally decided to let colored people play. We must never forget back when players made very little money and were treated like property and they knew their place and didn't complain. The great noble history of baseball must be maintained.

Sadly in the 90's this great American institution was hoodwinked by a group of bad apples who took performance enhancing substances. Poor Baseball never could believe players would do such a thing, so the great powers of Baseball investigated whether the balls were juiced.

It wasn't until Jose Conseco's novel did they realize what was going on. They just though Brady Anderson hitting more home runs in a season than Hank Aaron ever did was normal.

I applaud you, great keeper of the gates on the whole Ron Santo situation. Letting him dangle, then waiting till he dies to let him in. Well played. Good news, Buck O'Neal died, so it's cool to let him in for being possibly the greatest ambassadors for baseball of all time.

Back to my Question: Is Roger Clemens going to be inducted into Cooperstown?

Yes, Roger Clemens is going into the hall of fame. I hope he doesn't have to die to do it. He was a dominating pitcher without steroids and then when people started doing them, he was still dominating. But I know you have to make a statement.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Baseball Card Friday: Dave Johnson, Baltimore Orioles 1969

What a card.
His face looks like someone just asked him to solve an algebra
equation.

And check out his right hand. What’s going on there?
It looks like masking tape. Is that legal to have that on your throwing hand? Quick, someone tell the umpire.

Mr. Dave Johnson is now the manager of the N.L. East leaders Washington Nationals and has been in the news for telling the
umpires to check Tampa Bay’s pitcher Joel Peralta glove for a foreign
substance. The men in blue found
pine tar, Mr. Peralta got kicked out of the game and received an 8 game
suspension.

Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon called Mr. Johnson out for snitching.

Mr. Peralta use to pitch for the Nationals so that's how Dave Johnson knew that Mr. Peralta might use pine tar.

Pine tar doesn’t give the pitcher a distinct advantage, it
just helps you grip the ball better, similar to a Resin bag. Word on the street is over half the pitchers in the
majors use pine tar.

I don’t know all of baseball’s unwritten laws, but as a man,
you don’t rat a guy out to the umpires.

If you think the guy is wrong for doing it, why didn’t
someone stop him in the past, like when he was playing in Washington?

As a man, if you think it going to effect the outcome of the
game, you give Mr. Peralta a heads up that you know what he’s up too. Tampa bay is not even in National League
much less your division.

Again I don’t know all of the unwritten rules, but maybe there
is squealing in baseball?

Thursday, June 21, 2012

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

Tampa Bay didn't have a team in 1979 so they invented old uniforms to wear June 30th as part of throwback game where teams wear earlier incarnations of their uniforms.

I don't like to be a hater, but come on. That's the best you can do. It's not even ugly enough to be outrageous. It's corny. That's the worse thing you can be when you're part of entertainment for the whole family. CORNY. Mom's won't like it. Kids won't either. Won't appeal to dads.

THE BACK STORY

Who designed this uniform? If I had to guess I would say it was a hetero-sexual graphic designer.

I'm sure one of the owners wife had a real strong opinion as well. And lastly, this wreaks of uniform by committee.

Normally I would say this is a cash grab by MLB and the team in expanding their product line but not this time. This uniform is weak and will only be purchased by wives who's husband love the Rays and he already has all the other jersey. So what's that? 122 jerseys. Maybe sell a few to a wealthy guy who doesn't follow baseball but he has his son for the weekend and figures a ball game should kill about 5 hours. That still puts you at around 200 jerseys.

I don't see Flo Rida or any of his posse rockin' this jersey. The only black guy I can see wearing this is a very ironic gay guy.

HERE'S WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE

The team didn't exist yet so the door is wide open. First, you should have called me. I got a bunch of ideas.

If they were a team in 1979, they still would have been the Devil Rays right?

Well I want to see a devil on the jersey.

Here's Aquaman on a manta ray. Photo shop the devil's head on him and put a pitchfork in his hand and you got a kick ass uniform. Kids love Aquaman, women like sea creatures and pitchforks are cool. You would sell out of this jersey on day one.

Next up is so simple most people wouldn't even think about it.

Draw devil horns on Ray Charles.

Today something like this would be considered political incorrect and would never fly, but this is the uniform from 1979 back when things like this were okay. So let's do it.

One last question...

Is the guy who designed the uniforms for Tampa the same person who built that jack-ass statue in Miami's new stadium. If not, I bet those two guys know each other.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

No, not George Herman Ruth, I'm talking about John Goodman. Babe Ruth got tossed into an orphanage when he was a kid so I bet we don't even know his real birthday. It's Mr. John Goodman's birthday and he will always be Babe Ruth to me. ( Actually John Candy from an SCTV sketch will always be Babe Ruth to me, but it's not his birthday.)

Happy Birthday John Goodman!!!

Other June 20th Baseball birthday.

Andy Etchebarren

All I remember about Andy Etchebarren is he was a catcher
for the Baltimore Orioles in the late 60's and early 70’s and he was a hairy guy. Check out those eyebrows and forearms.

Andy made 2 All-Star teams and won 2 World Series rings.

Dickie Thon

Dickie Thon was going to help bring a World Series to
Houston. The Astros have always been a
shortstop away. Mr. Thon was the first shortstop since Dennis Menke to have a bat as well as a glove. Sadly, Dickie Thon was hit in the face with a pitch in April of 1984.

Mr. Thon suffered broken bones in his face and was never the same at the plate.

The pitch was thrown by Mike Torrez, the same guy who gave up the home run to Bucky Dent in Fenway. I hope Mr. Torrez is more ashamed of ruining a man's baseball career as opposed to making a player's career.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Baseball Card Theater: Batman Villains

As a kid I remember watching Batman and when Catwoman was the guest villain, I would get so scared I'd get an erection. Even today, just seeing that picture of Julie Newmar gets me half scared.

In this episode of Baseball Card Theater, we meet a bunch of gentlemen like Kiko Garcia, Bob Stinson, Marty Barrett and Astros Bob Knepper, and discover not only did they play baseball, they also appeared on Batman as villains. Enjoy.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Roger Clemens gets win # 355

Mr. Clemens is found not guilty.

Where does that leave us?

Will there be rioting? Tough to say.

But one things for sure, now everyone in the United States believes Mr. Clemens didn't take performance enhancing drugs. Just like everyone knows that O.J. had nothing to do with his wife's death. Just like everyone knows that R. Kelly didn't relieve himself on a
young lady even though that video I saw looks exactly like him.

The court has spoken. Let that be the last of it. Isn't that the point of the judicial system? To have the chance to clear your name? So there, he's not guilty.

Now let's try to figure out why this all happened.

The congressional hearing all started over a book Jose Canseco wrote. I will repeat that because it's very important.

This entire governmental investigation started over a book written by Jose Canseco.

During the televised congressional hearing, Roger Clemens name gets mentioned. So Mr. Clemens, a guy who could throw a baseball fast, denied taking drugs that made him throw a baseball faster in front of congress, so they decided to teach him a lesson.

It's a stupid game. Politics as well as baseball. I can't justify the time I devote to baseball, but the United States Congress can? I'm a comedy writer, don't you have other stuff you could be doing? I know I do. I watch the news and it doesn't seem like things are going great for America right now but you have time to deal with a game Abner Doubleday might have invented?

They swallowed they dog to get the cat, they swallowed the cat to get the mouse, they swallowed the mouse to get the spider, they swallowed the spider to get the fly...

Maggie's First Dodger Game

The Dodgers are on a roll. Three comeback victories over the weekend against the 1st place Chicago White Sox. I took the family Friday night, saw Adam Dunn homer, Alex Rios homered twice, but the Dodgers came back from a 5 - 1 deficit, to win the game when James Loney scored on a pass ball in the 8th. It was an amazing game to watch. Afterwards me and Maggie watched fireworks together.

Maggie loved the fireworks. It was amazing. We got home around 11, way after her bedtime and she tells me all about her exciting night.

Friday, June 15, 2012

BASEBALL CARD FRIDAY ' 74 Highlights

No-hitters hurled by Steve Busby, Dick Bosman and Nolan Ryan

There's a zeitgeist about no-hitters so today I feature a card from 1975 about 3 guys from 1974 who pitched a no-no.

The back of the card gives you all the info.

Nolan Ryan you know. He is the greatest pitcher of all time. He threw 7 no-hitters, struck out 5,714 and beat up Robin Ventura.

Steve Busby

Mr. Busby pitched for Kansas City, threw 2 no hitters, made a couple of All Star teams but his career was cut short because of injury. I don't remember that much about him because I lived in a national league city and he was in the A.L. Back then, the specialty items, like baseball coins, 3-d cards, etc would usually feature one guy from each team and from that time period it was either Amos Ottis or Lou Pinnela.

One interesting fact about Steve Busby: After returning from an arm injury his doctors put Mr. Busby on a pitch count, making him the first player to start that crap. Even though I wasn't around, I like the old days when two starting pitchers would throw 9 innings or more if it went into extras.

Dick Bosman

I remember Dick Bosman because he was the one player featured on the Washington Senators. It was either him or Frank Howard. Mr. Bosman threw his no-hitter against the defending World Champion A's and would have had a perfect game but someone made an error in the 4th inning. That someone; Dick Bosman.

Dick Bosman Fun Fact:
Mr. Bosman started the last game for the Washington Senators franchise and the next year started the first game for the Texas Rangers.

I declare today Steve Busby, Dick Bosman and Nolan Ryan day.

Also, I just got the '74 Highlight card a couple months ago from Tom Brunelle,
a cool guy who saw baseball card theater and gave me a big storage box of his
old cards.

So today is Tom Brunelle Day too. So live it up.

Have a good weekend. I'm taking Maggie to her first Dodger game tonight. I hope she doesn't get drunk.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

ADAM RAISED A CAIN

Since the dawn of time, when man first crawled out of the muck and the mire till today it's only happened 5 times. I'm talking about the Houston Astros being held hitless in a game.

Last night Matt Cain threw a perfect game and beat the Astros 10 - 0.

Personally I think people make too big a deal about no hitters. This year there's been 5 no hitters already. They've become as common as a tramp stamp on a stripper. Very pedestrian.

I remember back in 2003 when no hitters use to mean something. (SEE MONDAY'S BLOG)

I remember in 1986 attending the Mike Scott no hitter against San Francisco Giants to clinch the National League West Championship. Now that was a no hitter.

Last nights, it was just a game that didn't mean much so I can't imagine anyone really cared.

Plus the Astros have thrown 10 no hitters and only had 5 thrown against us, so that means we're still ahead by 5 no hitters.

Okay, enough sour grapes, that was an amazing performance by Matt Cain last night. He's one of my favorite pitchers and he was a nightmare last night for Astros hitters. Even my man Jose Altuve had a bad night striking out three times.

Matt Cain has been overlooked because of Tim Lincecum, but Mr. Cain has been a rock for the Giants staff posting double digit wins and an impressive WHIP for the last 3 years.

The Giants staff is one of the best in baseball with Cain, Lincecum, Barry Zito and a nasty 22 year old left-hander named Madison Bumgardner. I'd be surprised if they don't make the playoffs especially if Lincecum can get back on track. He hasn't has a win since April 20th. (4-20)

Don't worry about my team. I know the Astros will bounce back today and I predict J.D. Martinez will hit a grand slam. In fact, I guarantee it.,

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

8 women and 4 men, who have never played major league baseball, are in deliberations to decide whether Roger Clemens is guilty of perjury.

Closing remarks were yesterday and prosecutor Gil Guerreor reminded the jury about the evil of baseball players. "They influence children. They influence kids. Congress has to be
involved with that, Congress has the authority to
protect the nation's youth."

I don't buy that. But maybe Roger Clemens peers will.

Another prosecutor Courtney Slaeski attacked Mr. Clemen's wife's testimony saying Debbie Clemens testified last week that she received a shot of HGH
from McNamee, without Roger Clemens’ knowledge. Ms. Saleski called Debbie Clemens’ version “not true”

Now I've only been married for 18 years, but based on my experience I find it easier to believe a wife doing something without her husbands knowledge more than a wife getting on the stand and lying for him. If she was lying for one of her friends, I would believe it. Her husband, I doubt it.

I also find it curious when they chose a woman co-prosecutor. It worked so well in the O.J. trial. And this is nothing against equal rights, but I find it hard to believe a woman can truly understand a male athlete's mind. I grew up in comedy clubs and one thing I learned is men and women are different. To put a woman against a man in this situation seems nothing more than an attempt to emasculate an athlete. In fact, that's what this whole trial feels like to me.

Another gem from prosecutor's closing arguments was "we know that you do not want to find Roger Clemens guilty. Nobody wants
to believe he did this."

I don't buy that either. I don't think people have any "wants" on their opinions about Mr. Clemens drug use.

In my closing argument to America I will paraphrase Ms. Saleski.

We know that you do not want to find out how many Government resources were used trying to shame Roger Clemens. Nobody wants to believe that so many hours and tax payer dollars were used to go after a guy who throws a baseball. And lastly, we know that the people who bullied this inane investigation past the greater good of our Nation will never be held accountable for their crime.

God Bless Roger Clemens and the people of the United States of America.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Friday night June 8th, six Seattle Mariners pitchers combined to no hit the Dodgers. Kevin Millwood was warming up in the 7th and pulled a muscle and had to come out the game and the bullpen did the rest. This is only the second time six pitchers have combined for a no hitter. When was the other time?

IT WAS NINE YEARS AGO TODAY - JUNE 11, 2003

(Pictured left to right, Brad Lidge, some guy, Billy Wagner,

Octavio Dotel and some other guy.not pictured, Roy Oswalt.)

It was a June night, deep in enemy territory, out gunned and out manned, when a group of 6 ragtag Astros pitchers, with nothing but grit and their mitts, went out and no hit the almighty New York Yankees and I was there. And I don't want to get all Dock Ellis on you, but I was on acid.

ASTROS IN YANKEE STADIUM

In 2003 when the Astros played for the first time in Fenway and Yankee Stadium I had to be there. I was working at SNL and lucky enough to use their season tickets right behind home plate. I gave them to my brothers and nephew, who's a big Yankee fan, then my buddy Dogman and I scalped tickets for the upper deck.

( T. Sean and Dogman, I realize

he has his arm around me but we're just friends)

Now, I've only done acid 3 times in my life. The first time was in college, it was a requirement for my major, and the second time I did acid, was right before entering the stadium that night.

The game was started by Roy Oswalt, who came out after 2 innings because of injury. The 'stros brought in Pete Munro and Kirk Saarloos, who pitched innings 3-6. It was sloppy, the Yankees loaded the bases in the 3rd, so I didn't even realize it was a no hitter. I did notice how green the field was. It was really green.

In the seventh inning we noticed it was a no hitter. Dogman told me we had to do another hit or we would jinx the no hitter. I was in no condition to be responsible for blowing a no hitter, so being a team player, I took acid for the third time in my life.

Lidge, Dotell and Wagner had an easy time in the 7th, 8th, and 9th, thanks to dominating pitching and good vibes coming from the upper deck.

After the game, we went to a bar and I called information in San Francisco looking for Dock Ellis' phone number because I knew he would want to hear about it. Luckily, he wasn't listed. It was still an amazing night.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Baseball Card Friday - 1973 Rookie Third Basemen

Mike Schmidt, John Hilton and Ron Cey

The rookies on this card went on to hit 870 home runs and make 18 All-Star games, which might be a record for rookie cards, I'm not that much of a nerd to know if it is but it's an impressive stat.

RON CEY
Ron Cey or the Penguin was part of the legendary Dodger All-Star infield with Garvey, Lopes and Russell, and played the last half of his career as a Cub. He was co-MVP of the 1981 World Series helping the Dodgers beat New York.

MIKE SCHMIDT
Mike Schmidt went on to become one of the greatest third basemen in the game. Anytime I went to an Astros-Phillies game growing up, that guy hit a home run. He was an Astros killer. I looked it up once and of his over 548 homerun I'm pretty sure it said 479 of them were against the Astros. (It might have been 497, I might be mixing those two numbers up.) Mike Schmidt was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1995. Here are just a few of his accomplishments.

3 time MVP of the National League

World Series MVP

12 time All Star

10 Gold Glove Winner

8 time NL Home Run Champ

JOHN HILTON
Most people would crumble under the pressure of being on a card with 2 of the best third basemen of that era, but not John Hilton. Not him. You can't break him. What did he do?

He changed his name to Dave and moved to second base.

Also he tried to move to a different city, Washington D.C. but the league nixed that, so this card turned out to be a misprint.

John Dave Hilton is from Texas and went to Rice and played in the big leagues for 4 years.
So that's 4 more years than I played so I think Mr. Hilton is super kick ass. Plus he got to be on a card with Cey and Schmidt. How cool is that? And he's a Texan.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ken Kendrick, the managing partner, which is the person who helps oversee the club for the owners, went on the radio yesterday and expressed his disappointment in Arizona's 27 - 30 record. He mentioned Stephen Drew and Justin Upton.

I always confuse Justin with his brother B.J. Upton. Which one is a talented but moody and surly?

Anyway, Ken Kendrick, basically said Upton wasn't putting up the numbers he did last year and that's disappointing. It was no big deal, just the media trying to fill up the 24 hour news cycle and stir up trouble with a player known to have a short fuse.

On the other hand, what Mr. Kendricks said about Stephen Drew I found interesting.

On Drew: “I’m going to be real direct about Stephen. I think Stephen should have been out there playing before now,
frankly. I, for one, am disappointed. I’m going to be real candid and
say Stephen and his representatives are more focused on where Stephen is
going to be a year from now than on going out and supporting the team
that’s paying his salary.”

What can you do?: “All you can do is hope that the player is treating the situation with integrity. Frankly, we have our concerns.”

Have you talked to Drew?: “I have not, really, I don’t think it’s my place to do so, but others have.”

How did Drew respond?: “I think he (long pause) was not very direct. He needs more time to get ready. I’m speaking from his perspective.”

Wow! How cool is that. Mr. Kendricks even used mean old man phrases like "I'm going to be real direct", "Frankly I, for one," and "treating the situation with integrity".

He sounds like Senator Geary from Godfather II.

I like this guy Kendricks. Obvious a guy who has had the Puritan work ethic instilled in him as a youth. And since it's his money he should be able to say what he wants.

Mr. Drew is represented by Scott Boras who prides himself in making teams overpay for players and I'm sure Mr. Kendricks feels like Senator Geary towards Scott Boras.

"I don't like your kind of people... try to pass yourself off as decent Americans."

Scott Boras pulled a quick one on the Phillies in '94 when they drafted J.D. Drew 2nd overall and then refused to sign a contract for less than 10 million guarantee, and chose rather to sit out the year. Now that I think about it, Stephen and J.D. are brothers.

So what makes Kendricks suspect Stephen Drew and Scott Boras are more worried about Mr. Drew's next paycheck and not earning the $7,750,000 that the Diamondbacks are obligated to pay Mr. Drew whether he plays or not?

If Stephen Drew isn't treating "the situation with integrity", he better pray Arizona's manager Kirk Gibson doesn't find out he's goldbricking, If that happens, Mr. Drew is going to catch a beating.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Poor San Diego, the Padres have never had a no-hitter in their history.

They've been on the other end of no hitters numerous times including being no-hit by Dock Ellis when he was on acid, but fear not, San Diego I'm here for you. Gather round, I'm the man who can cure your problem, pay attention, because listening don't cost a dime, and if you believe that we're going to get a long real fine.

First up let's look at your history. In 1970, San Diego pitcher Clay Kirby had a no-hitter going into the eighth inning but was pulled by manager Preston Gomez for a pinch-hitter. What? Sounds like you cursed yourself, but don't panic. I have the solution.

Sadly Preston Gomez passed away in 2009 so he can not come back and take off the curse. Here's what you have to do. Dig up Preston Gomez and make a soup from his bones and feed it to the entire pitching staff. I guarantee you will have a no-hitter within 2 months.

Maybe you don't love your team enough to commit to such a task, but I have other solutions...

This next idea is a long term plan. You need to go around and collect semen from great pitchers like Sandy Kofax, Nolan Ryan, Randy Johnson, Justin Verlander, just to name a few and then grab some tall, voluptuous San Diego beach girls and impregnate them. If you have 30 kids, one of them will pitch a no-hitter by 2037. The problem with this plan is you'll end up with some ladies who look like Randy Johnson. But that's not my problem, that's yours. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

My last solution is the easiest for the Padres to get a no-hitter. The Astros have 10 no-hitters in their history. Get Bud Selig to force the Astros to sell you a no-hitter. He strong armed the Astros into moving next year into the American League. I'm sure Mr. Selig can make it happen. Bud's the guy who let an All-Star game in his home stadium end in a tie. It appears he can do anything.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Johan Santana, I think he's number 57, pitched a no hitter Friday night against the St. Louis Cardinals, becoming the first New York Met to accomplish this amazing feat.

There was a call missed by the umpire in the 6th inning that took away a hit from Carlos Beltran. That's the way it goes. All the players took it in stride including Mr. Beltran.

But some paper in St. Louis ran the headline NO HITTER with an asterisk after it.

I did not read the article, but if it was a thumb of the nose to baseball nerds and purest who live and die by records, numbers and the dusty history of the game, than kudos to the intrepid St. Louis paper.

The time is now for those scoundrels to receive their comeuppance. The people in baseball responsible for putting an asterisk next to Roger Maris record or keeping the greatest hitter of all time out of the Hall of Fame deserve a good lashing.

Speaking of all those baseball nerds and purest, I hope you questioned them about their silence
about the Astros getting date-raped and forced
into the American league?
I think it's brave if your article is attacking baseball sticks in the mud.

On the other hand, if the article is your way of saying it wasn't really a no-hitter, then go blow yourself.

About Me

T. Sean Shannon is an Emmy award winning comedy writer, having written for SNL for 8 years as well as The Tonight Show. This is a blog about his unnatural interest in baseball. Sorry ladies, he's already married.