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Confused? You Should Be!

Since I started blogging, I also got really involved in Twitter. Through twitter I have made some really strong connections with other survivors. I also have been lucky enough to talk to some during their transitioning periods. I must say, it is an amazing feeling when you can relate to someone and have them know that they are not alone. To sit there and say, “I understand, I’ve been there” is something many need to hear. While conversing with some of these people I realized many say the same thing. “I’m confused.” Which is why I decided to write this blog here.

I think it is safe to say that anyone who has gone through any form of domestic violence has the right to be confused. The definition of confused is “unable to think clearly” Which after being abused physically, mentally, emotionally/verbally, financially etc; it is completely understandable.

Think about it, someone in an abusive relationship has basically lost all control of themselves. Everything is done on the abusers terms. The victim becomes a robot to the control. So imagine, when someone leaves that situation, it isn’t roses and daisies right away. Every single emotion you can imagine bombards this individual all at once. The big three: Fear, Hope and Denial.

Fear: Fear of what may happen if the abuser finds out that the victim is leaving. Fear of what may happen after the victim leaves. Fear of what others may say or think when they find out what happened. Fear of the unknown (job, money, housing, family..etc).

Hope: Hope that things will get better. Hope that the abuser will change. Hope that everything goes back to the way they were in the beginning.

Denial: Denial of the actual abuse. Denial that one is a victim. Denial that things could/would get worse. Denying that there is somewhere to get help. Denial of who the abuser actually is. Denial of how severe the abuse really is or was.

Being confused after leaving a domestic violence relationship is common, so don’t sit there thinking you are crazy. Trying to focus on day-to-day tasks is hard at first. Again, the number of emotions one feels after leaving can enhance traumatically. Besides the big three emotions I just touched on there are many others, such as guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, sadness, self-blame, anxiety, feeling hopeless and even worthless. So dealing with all these emotions makes it perfectly understandable why someone feels confused.

Here are a few of the questions that I have been asked:

Q: “Is it normal to love and hate someone at the same time?”

A: While in normal situations the answer may be no. But as someone in an abusive relationship (which isn’t close to normal) the answer is yes. Why do I say that? From my own personal experience, as well as others I find that we love the person we first met, the person who swept us off our feet. What we hate, is the abusive person that they always seemed to be. We were in love with the mask, the disguise. The hate is towards the actual monster that we later get introduced too. Hate the monster we have now known to become, but love(d) the disguise.

Q: “Am I doing the right thing by leaving?”

A: Again, there is no reason for thinking you are crazy for asking this. My opinion, I feel that this stems from the hope you had for things to go back to the way things used to be, or even the fear of what may happen when you actually do leave.. maybe a little bit of both. But just know that you ARE doing the right thing! Honestly, things will NEVER go back to the way things used to be. The lies, and excuses that he or she will change or will get help is just a setup to keep you entangled in their web. Making the decision to leave will be the greatest and best decision a victim can and will ever make.

Q: “How can I get help?”

A: There are many resources out there. If you can safely search online, you will find an ample amount of websites that have great information. You will be able to find local organizations that can offer services to you. One thing I like seeing when I am doing my own research is that many of these websites have a “quick exit” to exit off their page. This is their virtual way of keeping you safe. There are also a lot of hot-lines and most of them are 24-hour hotlines, you can call when you know for sure it is a safe time to call and talk to someone who will provide you with the information you need.

If you have any other questions that you would like answered please feel free to comment below, or you can also DM me on twitter, email me, or message me on facebook.

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16 thoughts on “Confused? You Should Be!”

Fortunately, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. My sister on the other hand, has been for 14 years now. She’s left him numerous times and always goes back. She has a huge support system and we are always there anytime anything ever happens. I know that we cannot force her to be done with him. My question to you is, how can we direct her to make this decision on her own? Right now it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen. I hate watching her live like this. I hate that my niece and nephews have to live like this. Any input would be very much appreciated.

Thank you for writing. I cannot even imagine what it must feel like.. Being in her situation I know it is a frightening thing. I will say that I commend you and everyone else for continuing to show support. It is extremely difficult for someone in these types of situations, is it possible that someone could take in her and her children until she is able to get back on her feet? If not, there are plenty of organizations that can help her.. I would suggest researching these organizations in your area to familiarize yourself with them and what services they provide. If she is worried about finances there are organizations and programs that can help her with that and even help her get employed. I would suggest mentioning that she needs to do what’s best for herself and her children and being in this type of relationship is not going to get better, things will not change… If anything things will get worse and could be more dangerous. There are also websites online like http://www.loveisrespect.org that have a lot of useful information on how to talk to family/friends… The greatest thing is being there for her and reminding her that she is loved and you will always be there for her no matter what. But she has to see for herself that things will not get better unless she leaves the situation. I know it is hard to hear. If she would like to reach out to me I have a contact page with all the ways I can be reached. Feel free to go through my previous blogs for any information that could be of help.

That’s the thing, though. She is the one that is working and paying the bills while he sits at home doing nothing. She’s also in school to become an RN. Their home is under her name as well as everything else. He literally brings nothing to the table. She has stayed with me several times when she left him. I’ve brought her to the organizations around here, myself. As well as the courthouse for restraining orders. I’ve called the cops on him too many times to count. She never goes through with any of it. It’s SO hard to be supportive when she has no intentions of making changes. I love her so much and I don’t want anything to happen to her. He’s threatened to burn my families house down if she left him. I’m almost positive that she’s terrified to leave him.

(I’m sorry for blowing up your comments with this, I just really don’t know how else to help her… You’re the first blogger I’ve come across that talks about this.) 🙁

You never need to apologize for commenting that is what my page is for. My goodness she needs to kick him out… Is there any physical evidence like text email voice mail etc. where these threats can be reported?? I know it is hard to be there my sisters would get mad when I would call for them to pick me up and then change my mind. Fear is a HUGE thing… Who knows what he says to her behind closed doors, but I am sure it is something major that has put so much fear in her that she allows him to stay there..

No physical evidence. They were all verbal threats over the years. My family is pretty much just waiting around for that next phone call. She doesn’t take anyone’s advice, probably because she thinks we don’t understand. It would probably do her some good to talk to you herself so she knows she’s not alone and that she can get through it.

I want to thank you for such a understanding and caring post about Domestic violence and the point where yes, we are confused and yes, there is a time when in an abusive relationship you love and hate them! I put it like this…there is a fine line between love and hate. With abusers the line is so fine there isn’t one but you try and see it….the other point I like here is the way you answered the age old question we have when thinking about leaving. Am I doing the right thing by leaving? Yes, we do think that don’t we? Your answer to that question was great! You acknowledged her as being someone that asks questions like that and you gave the reality out to her/him. The important thing to this message is you address many confusing parts to leaving an abusive situation. That is a message I will be honored to promote. Plus, I like your info and blog so I will anyway. Raising awareness is important but, I also can remember if the person trying to help me had an aggressive and uneducated response to my concerns I would not take it into consideration. Getting the message heard by who needs to hear it is the key and your post is perfect for someone like me with mental illnesses and learning disabilities that is in an abusive situation. I was in my situation for 25 years and I reached out to a Domestic violence hotline or whatever it was local but, They met and my kids took me to a motel and said don’t leave and don’t go back to him and don’t call anyone. I am not kidding that was all. I was frightened and needed someone to help me not just put me in a motel and pay for it. No info left for me to read no cell number to reach her in an emergency nothing. My kids looked at me with big wide eyes scared to death not understanding why we could not go home. I was crying and crying….what do you think I did? Yes, you are right! Putting the word out there is important but the person delivering the message is important too. In person or a post like this. I bet you if I reached out to you that you would get me help and probably stay in touch somehow on how I am doing…..Thank you for spreading the message in your personal way. It does help…..Always,Annette

Goodness, where do I begin? Saying thank you doesn’t come close to being enough. I am so grateful and thankful to have you here writing these encouraging comments. I’m literally speechless right now. I am so so sorry for all that you went through, I’m sorry that when someone reached out that that is all they could do… Reach, and not pull you out of the sinking sand. I didn’t know about any resources or programs when I left my ex nor did I have anyone who could have understood what I went through. That’s why I decided to blog. For people to see that they are not alone, and there are people who understand. And you are absolutely right, Not only would I stay in touch but I most likely wouldn’t leave your side for days!! Thank you again for this beautiful comment Nettie!!

Reblogged this on Annette's place and commented:
My friend delivers a well informed messege about abuse and answers questions all abuse victims normally have. I am spreading the messege to stop Domestic Violence and help the victims. The only way to stop it is to be informed and unite together to spread awareness. Hopefully, someone that needs this message reads it…..REACH OUT IF YOU NEED HELP! PLEASE READ AND REBLOG I BELIEVE IN THIS MESSAGE!!

Excellent post, Annette. I know women who have been through what you’re describing, some who are now in domestic violence shelters — secret addresses, so the abusers don’t find them. I would think it takes a lot of strength to walk away from such a relationship, strength that’s not always easy to find. Thank you for speaking up for all the women who have and are still enduring abuse. (I will share your post on twitter). My best, Silvia.

Reblogged this on Mindful Living for a Healthy Mind and commented:
As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, left and is now surviving, I can tell you honestly that yes, you will be confused, often. This is a wonderful post with some great information.
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Thank you for this post. The only thing I can add is that males in abusive relationships have many of the same feelings — Leaving someone who has convinced you that he or she is the only thing in your life worth having isn’t
easy.