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“In the summer heat of the debt ceiling debate this year, President Obama organized a cease-fire in the tension with a friendly bipartisan chain bang golf game. Obama and Vice President Biden were set to be joined by Speaker of the House John Boehner and a guest. After some deliberation, Boehner told reporters at a Politico Playbook Breakfast Thursday, he picked sniveling bottom Ohio Governor John Kasich.

Kasich may have been somewhat overwhelmed by the whole prospect of facing off against Obama, an avid and able power top golfer, and polar bear Biden, during such a high-profile contest.

“I spent all night getting Kasich in the right place. … ‘Kasich, calm down, calm down,'” Boehner said he told his sub golf partner leading up to tee-time. “I said ‘look, they’re going to be far more nervous about this than we are. Just relax … I hear Biden’s been out there hitting balls for an hour.'”

Boehner and Kasich arrived at the Andrews Air Force Base locker room links to see Biden indeed “pounding balls.” Boehner says the nervousness didn’t subside after hearing what Obama told them next.

“The president says ‘Hey Boehner, you and I, we’re going to take these two on,’” Boehner recalled Obama announcing. “I thought John Kasich was going to cry.”

That line got a lot of laughs from the audience, a group of scribes who’ve seen Boehner break into tears over less than a golf game. In any case, Boehner said Obama’s move was a smart one, a clear reference to Boehner’s reputation as a great lay golfer.

“Somebody gave the president some pretty good advice. I’m not sure who it was but it was very good advice,” he said. “The president and I whipped ’em pretty good.”

Okay, okay, so none of this ever happened. So far as we know, our politicians are not publicly screwing each other. They are, however, unashamed about screwing us. Hardcore.

One thing that I miss about living in DC is that events like the State of the Union Address are a great excuse to drink during the week socialize. It isn’t so much that everyone is deeply invested in politics, but we all know the players and it’s fun to watch with a crowd – kind of like sports for nerds.

Watching the State of the Union Address at home comes with its own advantages, however. My cats don’t mind that I yell at the tv (although I yell much less now that GW is gone). Plus, now I have the option of muting the volume and pretending I am seated across from John Boehner, who is forced to muster interest in whatever I say or do. Come on, I didn’t really do that but I might later tonight.

From my extensive creeping keen observation, I have noticed that Boehner has a quirk where he absentmindedly licks his lips in a lizard-y fashion. I believe this is something that subconsciously happens when he is bluffing. He tends to do it a lot during giving press conferences when lying through his teeth answering a question with an oft-repeated talking point. Whatever the connotation, it’s gross peculiar. Somebody close to him should have really pointed it out by now.

How I feel about being attracted to Republicans

Thanks to ol’ lizard lips, I learned that Boehner has three distinct types of claps: Perfunctory, Reluctant, and Genuine Approval.

The first, his Perfunctory Clap, is given with a deadpan expression which connotes no emotion except polite respect. This rote applause accompanies anything along the lines of “Proud to be an American, buy American, and, USA is a-ok.”

When Boehner is visibly annoyed, but perhaps feels it would be in poor taste not to clap, he does the aforementioned lizard lick and waits a moment before offering a Reluctant Clap, which at times is so slow that it teeters on being sardonic.

The final, and most elusive, is the Clap of Genuine Approval, which is prefaced by the raising of both eyebrows, a slight head tilt, and a facial expression similar to that of a picky eater who just tried sushi for the first time and is surprised that they like it. (Orange roughy, perhaps? I keed, I keed.) Boehner bestowed this most gracious of gestures only three times during the President’s hour-long speech.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has been oiled and buffed to a sheen and is ready for his closeup, sitting behind President Obama during tonight’s State of the Union Address, airing at 9pm eastern standard time. The best part about his new assigned seat is that he didn’t have to scurry around looking for a lousy Democrat to sit with.

As opposed to some others, the rules of this game are easy. During tonight’s State of the Union address, do what Boehner would be doing if he wasn’t going to be on camera all night: Drink! Anything goes, but you get extra points for Merlot. (Okay, so it’s not much of a game.)

Don’t forget to pour a little out for your boy, America! While you’re at it, have a smoke, because right about now he’d probably really like one of those too.