Thursday, November 12, 2009

I know this is old but I just couldn't resist, had to bring it back. Damn Guidos are like roaches.

Hey you. March is getting closer, and that waxed six pack and fist-pump-and-hop dance aren't going to perfect themselves. Look no further. Ryan B's 12 rules for WMC popularity will make sure you're 'roid ready to hit the beach faster than you can say Danny Tenaglia.

1) Stop going to clubs in NY/NJ after New Year's Eve. This way you can start to save money and brain cells in preparation for WMC 3 months later.

2) Start taking steroids. Preferably three or more different kinds at once. One to make you big. one to cut you up and another one just for shits and giggles. Go to the gym everyday and drink a protein shake with every meal.

3) Make an appointment with your barber hairstylist two months in advance. This way your mohawk will be at peak performance and the designs in the side of your head will be fresh for your arrival to Florida.

4) Go tanning right after your haircut. This way you have a base tan that will start to peel only on the 3rd day in Miami, and not the 1st or 2nd. You also want to tan the skin showing from the new designs in your haircut so it's not pasty white.

5) Get a new tattoo in a random spot on your body that will look cool for the WMC, but will look even stupider when you’re on the beach with your kids and grandkids in 50 years. The best places would be the belly button, ribs, forearms and across your chest.

6) Go shopping and buy all the t-shirts with skull designs and glitter. Make sure you buy the one you think that every single person in Miami will have. Some of my recommendations are Ed Hardy and Christian Audigier. If you can’t afford those brands, just go to Macy's and scour the bargain bins.

If you ever thought: I should have gone home. What am I still doing here and how am I still alive? Then this is the blog for you. If your last vacation was a festival. Then this blog is for you. If you've repeated the phrase "What time is your flight?" During your daze of Techno Tourism. Then this blog is for you.