Now that we know the who/what/wheres and whys of the show’s central mystery, we can finally answer the most pressing question: Which one of these Big Little Liars would make the best drinking buddy?

Jane Chapman? Sure. We could make plans to run the next morning that I’d 100% cancel due to my big, no-so-little hangover. Perry Wright? A resounding no! I’ve read that book and it ends with Per-Per extolling the virtues of Huey Lewis and the News while I’m left wondering why “Hip to Be Square” is playing at such an unnecessarily loud volume.

Who’s Decider’s first choice for last call? Find out with our Big Little Libations Power Rankings!

Madeline Mackenzie

Photo: HBO

Why?: With snappy one-liners like “You can go f*ck yourself on the head,” and “I love my grudges. I tend to them like little pets,” slurping down some high-priced suds with Madeline Mackenzie will never be boring. Also, there’s a 50% chance she’d start a barroom brawl over the artistic merits of puppet sex.

Snippet of Our Conversation After Three Drinks: “Can you believe the school board nixed my idea? What’s wrong with a group of pre-schoolers performing Hamilton? It’s history! It’s art. Also, I’m having an intense emotional email affair with Lin-Manuel Miranda.”

Coffee Shop Tom

Photo: HBO

Why?: Umm… duh. FREE COFFEE!

Does Tom seem like the type of dude who’d start to drone on about how his ex-girlfriend left him for the lead singer of a Spin Doctors cover band after two drinks? Sure. But he also seems like a real prince (two princes, really) of a guy who’d make a great “Ugh, my friend cancelled. I wonder what Tom’s up to?” hang.

Snippet of Our Conversation After Three Drinks: “Four years, hundreds of drinks, thousands of eye rolls, and Renata freakin’ Klein has never tipped me. Not once.”

Renata Klein

Photo: HBO

Why?: The fact that Renata Klein sounds like the name of the protagonist in a Judy Blume novel isn’t the only reason to down some bubbly with this character. After she unwinds, Renata would be an exceptional 1-2 glasses of wine hang. Anything more than that leads us into the conversational danger zone of being forced to endure a never-ending avalanche of Amabella dance recital videos and birthday party pictures.

Snippet of Our Conversation After Three Drinks: “I know what you mean. It really is next to impossible to find replacement parts for a 19th century grand piano. Let me refill your drink, Renata. While I got you here, what the f*ck compelled you to name your child Amabella?”

Ed Mackenzie

Photo: HBO

Why?: I like Ed. He seems like the type of guy who’s rarely late and will always compliment you on your new haircut, but he has a very distinct “third most popular guy on your bowling team” quality. You’d have a transformative conversation with him Saturday night and then immediately forget hanging out with him come Sunday morning. He’s one of those people you talk to for five minutes at a party who makes you think, “I should really chill with Ed more often!” But then you don’t. Such is life.

Snippet of Our Conversation After Three Drinks: “Yeah, man, I’d totally be down to go to the Renaissance Faire sometime. But, wait, real quick: Did you seriously almost get into a fist fight with Nathan over who’s the best karaoke Elvis?

Dr. Amanda Reisman

Photo: HBO

Why?: Monterey is a beautiful city filled with ugly secrets. You know who holds the key to all that juicy gossip? Therapist extraordinaire Dr. Amanda Reisman! If you got the shovel, Dr. R’s got the dirt. Sure, she seems like the paradigm of professionalism, but this is Monterey, Jack! Professionalism goes out the lavishly decorated window in this town! You just know Doc Reisman will spill the organic, gluten-free beans after a couple glasses of a vintage 1973 Bordeaux.

Snippet of Our Conversation After Three Drinks: “I know I shouldn’t say anything *takes final gulp of her third glass of rosé* but oh… what the hell. Let’s be bad! Here’s the Excel file on all of my patients’ weird sex stuff.

Chloe Mackenzie

Photo: HBO

Why?: Hmm… let me think about that. Oh, because on a TV show with dozens of characters, Chloe is the only human being I didn’t suspect of actual murder. Despite being the most adult character on the series as well as the show’s unofficial musical tastemaker, Chloe will enjoy some organic mango juice (no alcohol for her, obviously) while I receive some much needed Spotify playlist advice from the queen of precociousness herself.

Snippet of Our Conversation After I Have Three Drinks: *Shuffles through my Spotify*“There’s such a thing as too much Matchbox 20, dude. You have no Fleetwood Mac, and six Smash Mouth songs!? Why is “That Thing You Do” in your Top 10?! I’m deleting your account and we’re starting from scratch.”

Bonnie Carlson

Photo: HBO

Why?: In the uptight community of Monterey, Bonnie is a beacon of common sense. She’s the type of person who won’t hold it against you if you forget to return her iPhone charger and will also kill for you, no questions asked, if you’re in danger. That’s how I spell F-r-i-e-n-d-s-h-i-p.