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State of the Heart Address 2011

As is tradition in these parts, we’ve gathered here on what I generally refer to as “Lovey Dovey Bollocks Day” to discuss the last year or so of the life of my heart. It’s my way of wrapping things up in a lovely little bow, and a bit like a coach reviewing a game tape. “Let’s look at what went wrong and see how we can do better next time.”

Last year was a bit of a roller coaster. I went on what felt like 1,000 terrible first dates and had a few holes poked into me by a couple of guys who just weren’t that into me. One lost his head to my metaphorical katana.

I’m simplifying for the sake of brevity.
It sucked. Hard.

This would explain why, when a friend told me about a friend of his that I just had to meet, I responded with a giant tidal wave of cynicism.

“Ugh, dude, no. Just leave me alone for five seconds. I just…I’m tired.”

“But, dude. Just meet him.”

“Fine. I’ll meet your fucking friend. Whatever.”

That was four months ago.

Today, I’m still fumbling around in the fog, unable to see more than 50 feet in front of me. I can’t tell you of the future. I can only tell you what I have seen.

I have seen this man not freak and run on multiple occasions when others almost certainly would have. I have seen this man be both ultimately strong and ultimately soft. I have seen this man be unafraid of me. I have seen this man be self-aware, communicative and compassionate. I have seen this man face one of everybody’s biggest fears and emerge with sanity intact. I have seen this man understand, and respond to, every batshit crazy metaphor to come out of my mouth. I have seen this man patiently answer dumbass questions. I have seen this man easily mesh with my friends. I have seen this man behave like an adult. I have seen this man see right through me, stopping midway to notice the deeply hidden squishy bits. He showed up, behaved with integrity, and made me feel understood. He has the brains to keep up and the balls to wish to do so.

I’m scared as hell, I have no idea what I’m doing and I have no idea where I’m going, but I know this: I’m not running.

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3 thoughts on “State of the Heart Address 2011”

First time caller, long time listener saying: Yay for you! Looks like this has been a long time coming, and I wish you well. I think my wife had the same sorts of experiences after difficult dating dalliances. It’s f’in scary to open yourself up when your trust has been so richly violated before. The walls take a while to come down, but it sounds like he understands that, and you can let them gradually erode together.