After many years of trying to understand women, I believe I’ve managed to distill what a woman wants down to just three simple words.

Why is a woman’s behavior so full of contradictions? For example…

Date an alpha male and eventually get pregnant, knowing in advance that he’ll leave her to raise the child alone

Become suddenly sexually aroused when other women are interested in her man, when she was repulsed by him earlier

Try to change her husband, then get mad at him when he does change (and even leave him for a man like he first was)

Thanks to the red pill movement, we have the observations of thousands of men’s experiences with women. We’ve seen that certain patterns emerge and that women are more predictable than they’d like us to believe.

But if I may be so bold, I’d like to suggest that there is a single unifying theme that explains everything a woman does. It’s a single, subconcious but all-consuming desire:

Loss of control.

This explains everything about women. Or at least everything that I’m aware of.

Fitness tests? She wants to see if you’re man enough to take control away from her.

Comfort tests? She wants to know that you still have control (of her) and she won’t have to take it back

50 Shades of Gray? A highly dramatized tale of losing control

Wild and rough sex? Basically like getting drunk

A man with a plan? He who has the plan takes control over the clueless

Working hard to earn approval? Whoever needs approval the most is under control of the one who gives it out

Seeing other women interested in her man? She now longer has control over him… how arousing!

Getting pregnant? She’s no longer an independent woman.

etc. etc.

Drama, Pain, and Arousal

Now, I don’t think this “loss of control” observation is particularly novel. It’s just a summary of the findings of many years of PUA and red pill blogs.

But here’s where things get interesting…

Loss of control doesn’t happen instantaneously. And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a process that occurs in time and space.

In other words, it’s a story.

We know that women love stories. They love drama. And we know that every woman is the star of her own movie that’s playing in her head.

When you break it down, a story is simple. It contains three elements:*

A desire (or goal)

A character

A conflict

That’s all you need to create a story. And women crave stories. Specifically, she craves a story (either real or imagined) where she is the “victim” who experiences a loss of control.

And how does this story of her losing control happen?

Well, there’s many ways it could happen, but there is one specific way that God prescribed for it to happen:

To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your suffering and your childbearing; in pain shall you bear children. Yet your craving shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.“

-Genesis 3:16 (Tanach: The Stone Edition)

Outside of the Garden of Eden, a woman must experience pain to bring forth children. In fact, the central theme of a woman’s life is discomfort, either in bearing and raising children or in attracting a man to impregnate her.

Blackdragon wrote an excellent post detailing the many pains an ordinary woman must go through just to get through life. Here’s just a small sampling:

Constantly worry about her weight. Multiply by 10 if she’s even a tiny bit overweight.

Throwing up and other complications after getting pregnant (not to mention the unbearable pain of actually giving birth)

Trying to lose baby fat after pregnancy… then it’s back to the above

Constant guilt over wanting sex (“anti-slut defense”)

Sleep deprivation due to needing 90 minutes to get ready in the morning

As she approaches 30 she (appropriately) fears that she will never marry… or she realizes she’s stuck with a sexually repulsive man… or she worries her husband will lose interest in her

In other words, a woman’s life is a never ending flow of physical and emotion pain.

And all of this pain is either preparation for, or a result of having sex with a man. Not to mention that the sexual act itself involves at least some pain for the woman… for obvious mechanical reasons.

To put it bluntly, it is simply not sensible for a woman to have sex with a man. It only brings her pain.

And yet her body craves more than anything to be inseminated by an alpha male. This is the climax of her story. Him losing control of himself and unleashing his animal-like passion upon her body. And her, the helpless victim at the mercy of a man who is smarter and stronger than her in every way.

And therein lies the conflict. She knows she should resist and keep herself safe from pain. And yet she craves so badly to have a man wrestle that decision away from her.

And where there is conflict, there is emotion. And for a woman, emotion = arousal.

The “Formula”

I believe the process of female arousal can be conceptualized like so (in this rather crude attempt at a table):

Stage 1

Stage 2

Stage 3

Theme

safety

(potential) pain or shame

loss of control

Response

resistance to any change

arousal and confusion

climax and addiction

To illustrate, consider the following samples. If you’ve taken the red pill, you’ll intuitively know that these fantasies would arouse almost any woman:

(Warning: X-rated language follows)

…

Her church friends [safety] had no idea how much of a dirty slut she was [shame]. She knew it was wrong but she just couldn’t stop doing it. [loss of control/addiction.]

She tried to get her chores done [safety] but she couldn’t stay focused. She knew he would be mad when he got back from work. [shame]. When he returned home, he bent her over his knee and spanked her until she cried like a little girl [pain/loss of control]. Then he forced her to suck his cock to remind her who was in charge. [loss of control]

Her mother wanted her to pursue a career as a lawyer [safety]. But she secretly wanted nothing more than for her tight little body to get pounded and used by a dominant man. She wanted to carry his seed and get pregnant. [shame/pain]. She was so horny she could no longer focus on her studies. She spent all her free time reading impregnation fantasies online and masturbating. [loss of control]

…

The story can also be non-verbal and merely implied by the actions. For example…

Starting with “just the tip” [safety]. Then getting “rougher” [pain] until the bed starts violently rocking and creaking [loss of control].

Doing chores together [safety]. Then slapping her ass [pain] and pinning her against the wall and devouring her body [loss of control]

Giving her a massage [safety]. Then biting her ears [pain]. Then turning up the heat until you’re groaning like a animal in heat and she’s gasping for air [loss of control].

…

I believe it is through this arousal process that a woman’s pain is redeemed. It is what she craves more than anything else.

Too Long, Didn’t Read…

Here’s the big takeaway:

As Nice Guys, we’re conditioned to yield to a woman’s resistance. But we don’t realize that her resistance, and the potential pain that follows, is the key to her arousal.

Instead of backing down at resistance, that’s when the heat needs to be turned up. Tease her about how ashamed she’ll feel or how sore she’s going to be when she finally gives in to your will.

IF you, as a man, are strong enough (physically, emotionally, mentally) to take away her control…

Then she will become aroused by the thought of the potential pain she will experience as you pull her away from sensibility and safety into a complete loss of control.

(Read that last sentence a few times and ponder it. It’s weird. But, as best I can tell, it’s true.)

—

* Acknowledgement to Hollywood script consultant Michael Hauge for his insights into story structure. Though he should not be held responsible for my misogynistic applications of his ideas.

“course jesting” (eutrapelia) means using wit to refer to sexual functions in a rude and irreverent way.

These concepts are contrasted with thankfulness. Does your language indicate that you have an intelligent appreciation for God’s good creation? Or do you come across as an immoral, stupid person who can only manage to crack cynical jokes about body parts?

But this is not to say “dirty” topics are off limits to Christians. It’s all about how you say it.

To illustrate, consider the following examples:

Example 1:

“Your mouth is a cum receptacle for me to masturbate into.”

The above statement indicates a lack of character. It shows no respect for the sexual needs of the woman. It’s supposed to be clever/funny but there’s no point to the joke. It reveals a godless worldview. The statement does nothing to praise the beauty and goodness of sex. In fact, it lowers the act to a meaningless level.

Contrast that with the following expression from Song of Solomon 4:11:

Your lips, my bride, drip honey; Honey and milk are under your tongue

Both expressions could be referring to the same act. But the latter expression is beautiful rather than base. Instead of using cleverness to lower a sexual act to nihilism, it elevates a physical act we might be tempted to think of as meaningless or gross to it’s proper place of beauty and goodness.

But it is “dirty” in the sense that it’s not something you would talk about in the presence of elderly ladies.

But in the proper context, Christians should feel free to invent and use all kinds of sexual metaphors… so long our language indicates that we have understanding and see sex as a good thing!

—

P.S. It’s also worth noting that the Bible never instructs us to be offended by “course jesting”… only that we are to avoid doing it ourselves.

The best teacher I’ve found on applying personality psychology to the real world is Stefanie Arroyo. She teaches how many people mis-type themselves when they take the online Myers-Briggs tests. Instead, you’ve got to assess a person yourself based on their behavior.

I adapted these 4 simple questions from her teaching. Use them to discover what kind of woman you have on your hands.

Question #1:

Does she enjoy bantering with strangers? (e.g. Uber drivers, new people at church, cashiers at the store, etc.)

Extroverts (E) are naturally drawn to and energized by meeting new people. Introverts (I) only talk to new people if they have a specific reason to.

Question #2:

Is she more of a “head-in-the-clouds” person or “down-to-earth” person?

Intuitive (N) people live in a world of imagination and ideas and tend to miss practical details. Sensing (S) people are practical and detail-oriented and tend to miss the big picture. (About 3 out 4 women are “Sensing”)

Question #3:

Does she talk about what she “thinks” or what she “feels”?

Thinkers (T) are primarily concerned with truth and falsehood and justify their opinions through logic. Feelers (F) are primarily concerned with harmony and justify their opinions based on how it makes themselves and others feel. (About 2 out of 3 women are “Feelers”).

Question #4:

Does she (consistently) follow a meal plan and recipes when preparing dinner… or does she improvise and throw things together?

Judgers (J) use schedules and todo lists and think in terms of tasks – what needs to get done? Perceivers (P) improvise and think in terms of opportunities – what could I do now?

—

Personality types are a large part of what creates the unique pleasures and challenges in a marriage.

I’m an INTP and my wife is an ESFP. To put it in archetype terms, my marriage is like an absent-minded professor married to an in-the-moment entertainer.

So my marriage challenges may be very different then, say, a practical-minded man married to an idealist woman.

If you’re making any of these persuasion mistakes, you probably won’t get laid very often.

In Scott Adam’s Win Bigly book, he describes 4 common but ineffective forms of persuasion. They are (from worst to less worse):

Word-thinking

Hypocrisy

Reason

Analogies

“Word-thinking” is arguing over the right definition of words. You see this played out all the time in Christian circles. Someone (often a rebellious wife) will say “submitting to your husband does not mean…” Then someone else (often a men’s rights advocate) will try to to correct her definition. This is the most degenerate form of argument and will get you nowhere. Her mind is already made up.

“Hypocrisy” involves pointing out that your accuser is using a double-standard and is committing the same “sins” she is accusing you of. Like if your wife accuses you of playing too many video games and you respond by saying she spends too much time on Facebook. It might get her to stop pestering you. But it leaves her with the impression that both of you are bad people not worthy of respect. As a woman, she probably already dislikes herself, so you are the losing party in this exchange.

“Reason” seems like it would be a good persuasive tool, but it’s not. People make decisions on an emotional level and use reason to justify the decision. You can show your wife through reason that it is God’s will that she submit her body to you sexually. But that won’t get you anything more than reluctant duty sex. Far better to develop alpha male traits that get her panties wet, then use reason to show her that God approves of such things if she has any intellectual hangups about being your “sex object.”

“Analogies” are great for explaining new ideas, but terrible for persuasion. Because analogies are so imprecise she will find plenty of ammunition to resist the idea. For example, you might think that telling her “sex is to a man what attention is to a woman” would persuade her to give you more sex. But it won’t. She can wiggle out of it by telling herself you don’t give her enough attention. Or that one dinner conversation is not worth giving a blowjob, etc.

I would venture to guess that most husbands attempt to talk their wives into sex using one of the above techniques. But they’ll never work in the long-run.

So what does work?

Four things (strongest at the top):

#1) Fear:

Fear of missing out: her body is perishable, she has a limited window of time to experience the thrill of unbridled sexual passion

Fear of replacement: knowing that you could get another women motivates her to work hard to keep her place in your heart

Fear of disapproval: “I’m very disappointed in you” are probably the 5 most frightening words you can say to a woman. Anything softer than that should get the job done.

#2) Feminine Identity:

Young vs. old

Beautiful vs. repulsive

Sexy vs. distasteful

Empathetic vs. merciless

Generous vs. selfish

Fun vs. boring

Stylish vs. frumpy

#3) Aspirations:

What gives her a sense of worth? (e.g. fulfilling a duty, mastering a skill, making a deep connection with someone)

What makes her like herself? (e.g. taking care of others, being flexible, standing up against evil)

What gives her energy to move forward? (e.g. being acknowledged, a bold new challenge, finding her true self)

#4) Habits:

Whenever you _______, think about _______.

Examples:

Whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, think about how I want your body.

Whenever you’re cooking me dinner, think about how sexy that is to me.

Keep this in your panty drawer and think about these ideas every time you get dressed.

—

Don’t waste your time with bad persuasion. Stick to the stuff that works and you might be surprised how quickly she responds.

The “good girl” state means she’s being pleasant, feminine, and even flirtatious. This is the “loving doe” state that every man desires of his woman.

The “bad girl” state means she is being defiant. She is not submitting to your headship and is generally making life difficult.

The “sad girl” state means she has the “bad feelz.” She is hung up on some detail that causes her to forget how good her life really is. If not handled properly, a “sad girl” can often turn into a “bad girl.”

What a lot of guys don’t realize is that sex is always the proper resolution to any state a woman is in. If a man can master each of these frames, he will master his woman.

Below, I’ve given a basic outline of each type of sex in the form of three dialogues, one for each state. For clarity, I’ve stripped out all the nuances. It’s written as if the man and woman simply spoke in logical propositions. In addition to being kinda humorous, I hope it will make the escalation process clear.

Good Girl Sex

You: “See how much better I am than other guys? You want to nurture my seed, don’t you?”

Her: “Yes I do. Let me do something sexy to win your attention.”

You: “That’s a good girl. Let’s talk about sex.”

Her: “Yes. I like this. Kiss me.”

You: “Now it is time for action. You will assume a submissive position of my choosing.”

Her: “Yes, sir.”

You: “This is what you’re going to think about while I fuck you.”

Her: “Yes, sir.”

You: “Let me check your fluids and make sure you’re ready.”

Her: “I am ready.”

You: “I’m going to use your body entirely for my pleasure like an animal. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Bad Girl Sex

You: “Is this the kind of person you want to be? I’m disappointed that you would treat your own husband this way. We can talk after you’ve changed your attitude.”

…

Her: “I’m sorry.”

You: “Show me.”

Her: “Yes, sir.”

You: “That’s a good girl. Now get on the bed. I need to teach you a lesson so you remember who’s in charge.”

Her: “Yes, sir.”

You: “This is what you needed, isn’t it? You gonna be a good girl for me now?”

Her: “Oh, yes!”

Sad Girl Sex

Her: “I’m sad for some silly reason.”

You: “I know. But you don’t need to worry because I love you. I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”

Her: “OK… Your hands feel so good.”

You: “Yes. Just focus on happy things.”

Her: “I am happy. Kiss me.”

You: “You know that I love you, don’t you?”

Her: “Yes.”

You: “Now let me love all of you.”

Her: “Yes. Give me more… more… more…”

You: “My inner beast is coming out now.”

Her: “Oh, yes!”

—

If your encounters with your wife aren’t resolving as you wish them to, hopefully these little dialogues will reveal the sticking point. Start by simply being aware of which of the three states she is in throughout the day. Then imagine how it should resolve if you knew what to do.

After awareness, you can pinpoint the skills and tactics you need to bring her closer and closer to the proper resolution on a regular basis.

So when I saw this harmless article about about ways to make boring topics seem new again… I naturally thought, “hey, that could be about sex.”

So here’s my take on 8 tactics a married man can use to get his wife excited about sex again.

Tactic #1: Use Nicknames

Telling your wife you’d like insert your penis into her vagina is rarely a good way to put her in the mood.

This is why we come up with a variety of suggestive synonyms like “cock” and “pussy.” A rooster is a symbol of aggressiveness and masculinity. And a pussy cat is something soft and sweet that purrs when you pet it.

But there are other terms you can use as well. You can tell her that her “stallion” is ready for her to ride. Or refer to your semen as “nectar.”

Or just lift stuff right out of the Bible. Tell her it’s been a little too long since you’ve tended to your “garden.” Or that you’re in the mood for “pomegranates” for dessert.

Just be sure the nicknames are appropriately masculine and feminine. Probably not a good idea to call your penis “Mr. Winkles” or refer to her vagina as a “man cave.”

Whenever you hear one good nickname, use a thesaurus to come up with more ideas:

Tactic #2: Play Erotic “Would You Rather?”

If you’re not familiar with the “Would You Rather?” game, it’s where someone presents you with two difficult (and often unfortunate) hypothetical choices. Like “would you rather be itchy for the rest of your life or sticky for the rest of your life?”

Even though the game can often get graphic and disgusting, it’s almost impossible to resist playing because it appeals to our sense of curiosity and choice so perfectly.

But you don’t have to use the game to psychologically torture you’re wife (unless you’re into that sort of thing). You can use it to get her thinking about sexuality in a fun way.

For example:

“Would you rather I secretly grab your butt in public or kiss you passionately at home?”

“Would you rather try the same sex position in 9 different different places or 9 different positions in the same room?”

“Would you rather take a shower together or take a bath by yourself and let me watch?”

“Would you rather dress up as a ‘cute’ girl or a ‘naughty’ girl?”

“Would you rather be pinned against the wall or against the bed while I give you my love?”

Starting the game is simple. Wait until you’re alone with her and have a conversation that goes something like this:

“Hey babe, have you ever heard of the “Would You Rather game?”

“No. What is it?”

“It’s simple. I’m going to give you two pretend scenarios and you tell me which one you’d rather have. Wanna try it?”

“Pretty fun, huh? I’ll ask you some of my own as they come to me. Just to warn you though: they might get naughty, so be prepared.”

And the game has begun! And it never has to end.

You can start out with “soft” and non-sexual questions and then work your way up to more intense stuff. Just ask her whenever a new one pops into your head. There’s really no limit to the questions you can ask. The trick is to create a contrast where both scenarios would be sexy but she really has to think about which one she’d prefer.

And since it’s all hypothetical (for now) you can go a lot further than if you were asking a direct question with serious intent.

If you need ideas on how to word things, you can read some stuff at Kinky Quotes for inspiration.

Tactic #3: Use Humor

Humor and sex go well together. If you take it too seriously she will likely feel uneasy and have a hard time relaxing. But a bit of properly applied humor can help her relax and get the right juices flowing.

Even if you don’t have any natural talent for humor, there are a couple of techniques you can apply that are (almost) foolproof.

The first technique is the rule of threes. You say two ordinary things followed by something unexpected. The third thing is the punchline. In this case, the unexpected thing will be about sex.

Here’s a few examples:

She asks you what’s on today’s agenda. You tell her “Well, I need to go to my dentist appointment, drop a package off at the post office, then I’ll come home and play with my pussy cat.”

When you’re getting ready for bed: “Why don’t you put the kids to bed, brush your teeth, then put on something inappropriate for bedtime.”

As you’re eating dinner in the summertime: “There’s nothing I like more than a hot day, a hot meal, and a hot wife to serve it to me.”

When you use the “rule of threes” it makes your line more intriguing than if you just told her outright.

The second technique is ridiculous exaggeration. Here you want to take a simple sexual thought and exaggerate it to the extreme for comedic effect.

Examples:

If you’re working on your computer, you can tell her that you “don’t allow women in the workplace because it always leads to sexual harassment.”

As you’re leaving you tell her “be sure to dress appropriately today or I’m going to spank you when I get home from work.”

Start examining your bed and tell her you might need to get a new bed. When she asks why, tell her you’re concerned that the springs won’t last more than a few weeks under the stress of your anticipated rough love-making sessions.

Because it’s so exaggerated, there’s no pressure on her. She’ll laugh or pretend to be offended. But secretly, she’ll blush and wonder, “Maybe that WOULD be kind of fun.”

Tactic #4: Share Sex Studies with Her

Even though sex has been around since the dawn of time, we’re always discovering new things about it. We’re also rediscovering things we forgot about it.

Research results give the impression of something new and exciting. They inspire a sense of awe in us. This is exactly how you want your wife to feel about sex.

This will all be interesting stuff to her. Because it’s about her. And it will give the two of you an excuse to launch into a new phase of erotic exploration.

Sharing this stuff is really easy. Just tell her you came across an interesting article and thought she might like to read it.

If you follow this blog, I’ll share stuff I find from time to time. Just follow the links. A little bit of Googling can yield some interesting discoveries as well.

Tactic #5: Practice “the Attitude”

Most men are timid about broaching sexual topics with their wives.

But those who develop “the Attitude” can talk about sex whenever they want. It’s difficult to explain in writing because it’s more about how you talk than what you say.

The best way I can describe it is to imagine that your wife is horny all the time. Act as if she’s the sex-hungry one in the marriage. Then you just talk about everything as if it’s making her horny.

Some examples:

“I know you get a little horny when you’re mad. I bet you’re getting wet just thinking about how mad you are, aren’t you?”

“I know why you take so long in the shower. You just like to have more time to think about your naughty fantasies, don’ you?”

“Now don’t tell me you wouldn’t at least want to try that! I know you’re thinking about it. I can see it on your face!”

The best way to learn the attitude is by listening to the Black Philip Show with Patrice O’Neil. Listen to all the episodes at least several times through. You’ll subconsciously absorb the parts of his attitude that are appealing to you.

Now, as a Christian I cannot fully endorse his show because at least a third of the time is spent explicitly describing his sexually immoral activities. (So obviously, don’t listen to it around the family.) But if you can filter out all that B.S., you can learn a lot by paying attention to the attitude he has when he talks to women.

Patrice was so good at the attitude that he could get away with constantly calling every woman a “bitch” to her face and still get her laughing and having a good time. Not that I recommend calling your wife that. But if you can absorb even a fraction of the attitude, you shouldn’t have any trouble talking about sexually explicit things with her.

Tactic #6: Talk About Mundane Things as If They Were Sexy

One of the easiest ways to make sex surprising is to talk about something rarely associated with sex as if it were sexy.

Here’s a few examples:

In your best smooth seductive voice: “Oh wow. I love the way you crack that egg and slowly drizzle it over the batter. Mmm yeah, baby. You know what’s up.”

“I love the way you spread that butter over my toast. That’s a good girl.”

This tactic is great for two reasons. First, it will surprise her so it’ll make a strong impression. Second, you’ll be creating sexual associations with common activities. Before long, she won’t be able to go a single day without doing something in her routine that reminds her of sex.

And a woman who is thinking about sex is a happy woman.

Tactic #7: Predict Her Future

People love to hear predictions about the future. We are often dissatisfied or bored with the present. But the future is exciting. Anything could happen! Use this bias to your advantage.

You don’t want to put pressure on her to do anything now. That’s too scary. Instead you want to suggest that there is something erotic buried inside her that is going to come out one day.

For example, you can say “I think there’s a really wild girl that’s trapped inside of you. One day we’re going to set her free.”

Or if she’s a bit sassy: “You are a sassy one. But one day I’m going to break you in.”

Or as she’s fondling your manhood: “One day, I think you will grow quite fond of this most important part of me.”

The key is to find areas where there is a mismatch between a core feminine desire and her current attitude or behavior. It is extremely difficult to resist biology. Merely bringing her attention to her instincts is often enough to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tactic #8: Change the Visuals

New visuals are an instant way to create novelty.

Most women buy way more clothes than they need. It’s because they want variety. But you can use this preference to your advantage.

Give her a monthly budget to buy sexy things to wear. Simply the fact that she has something new to put on is often enough to make a woman feel sexy and put her in the mood.

Sometimes just thinking about what to wear can put her in the mood. You can text her and ask her if she’s found a “suitable outfit” to greet you in. Or if her panties match her outfit today. Silly stuff like that.

You can also change what you wear. Get a new look. Start working out. You’ll seem like a new man to her.

Another way is to change the scene. Try a different room. Take a retreat. Do it outside. Do it in the shower. etc. etc.

Now Go Have Some Fun!

Hopefully this gives you some ideas to get started. There’s really no reason sex ever has to seem hum-drum. There are so many different ways to think about it.

The way I see it, a man will spend more time in his day not having sex than having it. Might as well have a bag of tricks to make the in-between times more fun.

Keep in mind that this is not a test designed to flatter your ego. Expect to get a low score. It’s a tool for learning, not a means to signal your status.

Think of it like college. It’s kinda like you’re studying to get a degree in “Masculinity.” This is a tool to determine whether you can “test out” of any of the required courses. But it’s safest to assume you’ll have to start out at 0 or even take some remedial courses.

Each point on the test is like a “credit.” It takes work to earn each credit. You need to earn a sufficient number of credits to graduate at the level of masculinity you wish to achieve.

Finally, realize that this is not a knowledge test. It will be obvious what the “right” answer is. It’s an inventory test… do you have the asset or not? It does you no good to be dishonest. Nobody will care about your score. It only matters what you have in reality.

You’ll hear all the time about how women struggle with body image, face unrealistic standards of beauty, are pressured to “sexualize” their body, etc. etc.

But there is a more intriguing aspect of a woman’s self-esteem that is rarely discussed.

Erotic tension.

A woman who thinks she deserves better is repulsive. But a woman who doubts her beauty is primed and ready for an erotic adventure.

Consider Song of Solomon 1:6:

Do not stare at me because I am swarthy,For the sun has burned me.My mother’s sons were angry with me;They made me caretaker of the vineyards,But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.

“Vineyard” is a metaphor for her body. This is a woman who knows she’s not as beautiful as she could be.

She has just met the man of her dreams and she doubts that she is beautiful enough to be desirable to him. She got so busy working for others that she neglected to put in the work needed to present her beauty as well as she could have.

She knows that the man she desires is desirable to other women:

Your name is like purified oil;Therefore the maidens love you. (1:3)

“Will he find me pleasing?” she thinks. “He could choose from so many other women. I’m not nearly beautiful enough for a man like that. Oh, if only I had better prepared for this moment!”

It is this perceived mismatch of value that is the beginning of erotic tension.

It is a good thing if your wife expresses doubts about her body. It is at that moment of doubt that she is yearning to please you and earn your approval.

And just as you affirmed her beauty and sent her heart a-flutter when you asked for her hand in marriage, so you will reaffirm your approval of her when you take her into the bedroom… again…and again…and again…

The more attractive you are to women in general, the more your wife will doubt that she is pleasing enough for you. She will work hard to prove herself worthy of being your wife.

This is why you want to work on increasing your “sexual market value.” You want her to feel like she lucked out by the fact that you “settled” for her.

A woman who feels inferior and unworthy of her man’s approval is a woman who will dress sexy and yearn for frequent sex. She needs constant approval when she’s in the presence of a high quality man.

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P.S. I’m putting the final touches on the SMV test for married men. I plan to have it up soon.

Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.

This is a conflict that the man must win. The unhappiness that results from the woman “winning” is obvious to anyone not deeply invested in the feminist narrative.

So with that said, here are what I believe are the 7 essential tools (or “weapons” if you prefer more violent terminology) that a man needs to have a sexually fulfilled, God-honoring marriage:

#1: A High Sexual Market Value

Most men think that after they get “hitched” they no longer have to think about being attractive to women. This is a big mistake. One of the biggest reason men are afraid to provide strong masculine leadership is because they are terrified of losing their wife.

The man who knows he can get a younger, hotter wife should his current wife ever go psycho and leave him or give him legitimate cause for divorce is a man who has the confidence to subdue his wife. And though she’ll never admit it, your wife will sense this and become aroused by it.

When it comes to getting laid, attraction is more powerful than “the Bible says…”

Improving your sexual attractiveness is the best framework for self-improvement and the benefits go beyond just the sexual. I hope to publish a test soon to help married Christian men estimate their sexual attractiveness. Until then, use the one at Chateau Heartiste and make ethical adjustments accordingly.

#2: Frame Control

Watch this five minute video. Realize that this exact thing happens in your marriage.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that learning to recognize and control frames will change your marriage and your life. The simplest way to control the frame is to imagine that your wife is a child.

However, if you feel the need to grab your dick and jerk yourself off every time you get a boner, this is a sign of weakness. You’ll have difficulty lasting in the bedroom. You’ll be drained of masculine energy and less likely to take risks. You’ll imagine confronting your wife like a man or dominating her in the bedroom… then you’ll chicken out at the last second or else your execution will be so flaccid that she’ll just wonder what in the hell you’re trying to do.

I don’t recommend trying to go “cold turkey” but it’s good to embrace the feeling of being “on edge.” Save the self-release valve for when boldness is really not advantageous or for when you’ve reached your limit and your wife is unavailable for you to unleash the beast.

#4: Irrational Confidence

Most men base their confidence on their achievements. That’s a perfectly valid basis for confidence. But in order to achieve a masculine pursuit (like subduing a woman) you need an even deeper source of confidence… an irrational confidence.

When you’re around your wife, it doesn’t matter how much of a loser you are objectively. Your confidence comes simply from the fact that you have balls. Your wife needs your cock. And she needs your semen. She is unable to fulfill herself. You allow her to feast upon your manhood because of your kindness.

In your household, you are the alpha male.

#5: Good Genes to Show Off

Being nice doesn’t get you laid. Neither does being a jerk. It’s all about your genes.

A man who thinks humans are rational creatures might try to attract a woman by being extra nice. That seems reasonable because people like nice people more than they like mean people. But seduction-wise, niceness is boring, and nice people are a dime-a-dozen. Niceness can only get you so far.

A far better seduction strategy would involve participating in any kind of coed group activities at which you happen to excel. When you display any kind of talent, it triggers other humans to want to mate with you. We’re biologically hardwired to be attracted to anything that helps the gene pool, and talent is a signal for valuable genes. So instead of being nice, focus on being talented, or attractive, or smart, or muscular, or something that suggests you have good genes.

A common misconception is that because nice guys seem to finish last, and jerky guys seem to get the women, being a jerk must have some sort of seduction advantage. It doesn’t. That’s an illusion caused by the fact that people who have OTHER advantages – such as wealth or beauty – have the freedom to act like jerks because they can attract mates no matter what. If you don’t understand what motivates people at a deep level, you might be fooled by your observation that jerks often do well in romance. If being mean were useful to getting sex, you would see ugly people doing it more often with great success. But keep your eyes open and you’ll notice that attractive people can get away with being mean, and ugly people can’t. Attractiveness is the key correlation.

Even though the vast majority of sex does not lead to conception, signs of good baby-making is always the foundation of sexual attraction.

Don’t try to flaunt what you don’t have. Identify your best attributes and constantly put those on display. Sexualize your talents. Then take her into the bedroom to remind her why she once yearned for your seed.

#6: Manipulation Immunity

Never panic in the face of adversity. When you make a decision, don’t let her fears and anxiety derail you from following through. Don’t let her guilt-trip you.

Be open to negotiation without compromising your mission. And it’s always your mission. It’s your interpretation of what God wants you to do. She has the privilege of joining you on this righteous mission.

Don’t be so quick to act upon the things she feels are urgent. They are probably not.

Keep calm and carry on.

#7: Ego Control

If you’re reading this, you have an ego problem. We all do.

I’m not talking about “ego” in a Freudian sense. I’m talking about our unhealthy focus on status. It’s the need to be better than others, have more than others, be recognized by others.

Our egos are what distorts our sense of reality and prevents us from achieving our goals, sexual or otherwise. The ego craves recognition more than genuine success and real blessings.

The biblical definition of a fool, in modern lingo, is someone who lets their ego govern their life instead of wisdom.

Ego is why we talk about the “war on men” but we don’t put in the work needed to become more masculine.

Ego is why we settle for approval and recognition from others (e.g. church, parents, boss, wife) while neglecting to do what we know God wants us to do.

Ego is why we refuse to accept truths about women discovered by those with more sexual experience than us (even if those truths don’t always come from the most godly sources).

Ego is why we vent our frustrations about women without coming up with a strategy to fix the problem.

Ego is why we become bitter or even lash out at our wives rather than accepting that they may never understand us but we can love them anyways.

Ego is why we choose to settle for watching porn rather than face the initial awkwardness of trying to be a real man in the bedroom.

Ego is why we overestimate our sexual attractiveness.

Ego is why we make good intentions to change ourselves but then procrastinate. It’s always easier to watch another TV show, play another video game, or spend another half-hour goofing around on the internet than it is to accept the amount of work we have to do and learn to enjoy it.

All this and more is how ego sabotages our ability to achieve a happy marriage. (For more on the ego, I cannot recommend highly enough Ego is the Enemyby Ryan Holiday.)

Remember, it’s the fear of the Lord that’s the beginning of wisdom.

When you care more about what God thinks of you than what your wife or other men think of you, you will understand wisdom. And wisdom is the key to obtaining blessings, including the “blessings of the breasts.”