An asexual person is a person who
does not experience sexual attraction.Learn More

Coming Out of the Closet

My discovery of asexuality begins with irony. I had a really huge crush on a friend of mine- all of my friends knew I liked him, and were totally perplexed when I spent an entire year not doing anything about it. Finally, just before he moved away, I got the courage to tell him- but then he asked a question I’ll never forget: “If I liked you, what would you do?”

My response was an honest one- “Nothing… Either way, it doesn’t matter.” It frustrated me, and probably confused him a bit too. I realized that my crush on him, and the rare crushes I had in the past, were platonic at best. I never had the desire to kiss or doing anything physical. I never liked dating because I was afraid guys would try to put the moves on me. Two had, and I had shot both down. It occurred to me that I was different, but I didn’t have a name for it quite yet.

Fast forward a couple years- I went to visit him and we started talking about our dating situations. I found out he didn’t date girls because he was sexually attracted to other men. When he asked me why I didn’t date, I tried to explain how I didn’t experience any sexual attraction. He then suggested I may be asexual. That was it! Funny how the guy I had liked for so long ultimately helped me discover why my attraction felt so different…

So of course, I googled the word “asexual” and found AVEN. I watched every video interview on YouTube and read every article I could find online. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted- I was asexual! It made so much sense!!

I became a huge fan of blogs like Asexy Beast and Asexual Underground. I already had a personal blog at that time and I realized that there were several posts that dealt with my asexuality, so I decided to start Ace of Hearts. I went to my first AVEN meetup in May, about six months after I had joined. Since then, I’ve gone to meetups in four different states and even travelled up the West Coast with an AVENite from London.

As I met with other asexuals, I became more comfortable with who I was, and somehow slipped into my first romantic relationship in November 2008. I was surprised to discover how well my boyfriend responded when I brought up asexuality, time and again. I even brought him to a couple of meetups and introduced him to fellow AVENites.

Our relationship continues to develop, despite the differences in our levels of attraction. I consider myself very fortunate to have found someone who places greater value on emotional intimacy- something I’m more than happy to provide. Granted, it has taken a lot of patience on his part – especially when it comes to physical affection – but it’s a learning experience for us both. Every relationship has its challenges, but I think this particular challenge can actually be a blessing in some ways. It requires a lot of communication, which is essential for any relationship.

I firmly believe that it’s important to be honest with yourself and others no matter what. It’s impossible to maintain a relationship that’s built on deceit. If you feel you can identify with asexuality, it’s so important to understand it more fully and connect with others who feel the same way. I love the community that AVEN provides. It’s helped to reassure me that I wasn’t alone and my orientation did not mean I had to feel alienated. Learning to understand and appreciate my asexuality has helped me feel more loved and accepted, by myself and others. I hope everyone who stumbled across AVEN can feel the same way.

The Asexual Visbility and Education Network hosts the world's largest online asexual community and archive of resources on asexuality.