Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Senseless Sensibility: Keep Your Reason To Yourself

While unremarkable by world standards, New York City is an anomaly in the United States of America (otherwise known as Canada's stick-on air vent). For example, it's still possible (though increasingly difficult) to eat food in a non-chain restaurant here. Also, New York is incredibly diverse, with over 400 different variations of caucasian "hipster" calling it home (or at least temporarily calling it home until they downgrade to modular Ikea cities like Austin and Portland.) Most impressively, New York is the only city in America that hasn't yet outsourced its fire, police, and sanitation departments to call centers in India.

At the same time, New York is still very much an American city. Consider the way people here react to Department of Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan, who's installed a bunch of pedestrian malls and bike lanes during her tenure so fewer people get run over and killed by giant SUVs with stick-on air vents. Elsewhere on the planet Earth, a transportation commissioner who wants to prevent people from getting run over and killed by other people's luxury consumer goods would merely be doing their job. However, in America, a person who actually places people over cars (or who even suggests that maybe people are almost as important as cars) is considered a crazy shrewish bike lady in the throes of menstruation-induced hysteria.

For this reasons above, New Yorkers should be thanking Janette Sadik-Khan for "retrofitting" some sanity into the way the streets are designed. Instead, they consider her a witch and are trying to cast the demons out of her womb.

(Follow this link to watch, because if there's a way to embed the video I'm too lazy to find it.)

In introducing the piece, host Brian Williams called Sadik-Khan "a very powerful woman with an exotic name," which seemed a bit odd to me since that name isn't even remotely exotic by New York standards. If anything, you'd be hard-pressed to find two people named "Brian Williams" here. One of my next-door neighbors is named "அனைத்து நீ வெறுப்பாளர்களின் என் பந்துகளில் சக்," and the other spells her name in a single hieroglyph. If someone calling himself "Brian Williams" were to come to my door, I'd just assume it was an alias and that he had some nefarious purpose, like robbing 's apartment.

Sadik-Khan is certainly is powerful though--more powerful than Barack Obama. (That's the person who plays our President on TV.) See, all Obama can do is make speeches and maybe veto stuff. Janette Sadik-Khan lives in a secret fortress where she can control every traffic signal in all of New York City:

("Hey Brian, I've told you my name a thousand times already, why do you keep mispronouncing it?!?")

Having that kind of power makes having your finger on "the button" about as impressive as being in control of the iPod at a coffee house in the Mission District. I would give anything to have the run of that room for a day, since it's surely the closest I'd ever feel to being God. (Or, in my faith, the Almighty Lobster on High.) From my ergonomic swivel throne I would mete out swift and arbitrary justice in Biblical fashion. I would punish the city with hours upon hours of red lights. Just for fun, I'd raise and lower the drawbridge over the Gowanus. I'd spell out obscene messages on those electronic highway signs. Sadik-Khan has been called powermad, but the fact that all she's really doing with all that power is painting some streets green and putting out some lawn furniture in Times Square is actually a testament to her tremendous restraint.

Anyway, it's a pretty good segment, but like any newsmagazine show the best part is the "b-roll." For example, check out this voluminous example of "cycle chic:"

Earlier I mentioned Woody Allen, and I'm fairly certain that's the flying suit from "The Sleeper:"

Also, here's a woman protesting the Prospect Park West bike lane:

Amazingly, she is not wearing the flying suit from "The Sleeper," and indeed that is her actual body. And when she's not protesting, she simply sits in her crow's nest of entitlement where she films the bike lane and counts cyclists as her body quietly expands:

("When I'm not filming, I drink Dr. Pepper out of it.")

Ironically, she also happens to be a psychology professor, which presumably provides her with ample free time to pursue her true passion, which is being insane.

Of course, there are few things more dangerous than an idle rich person with some crazy ideas, and whether you think this applies to billionaire Michael Bloomberg and his zany madcap "bike lanes," or to the psychologist who doesn't want you riding your bike past her luxury apartment for reasons unknown, it's no secret that America is increasingly rife with class hostility. This is what's driving the whole #Occupy movement, and it just so happens I recently received a "press release" informing me of the following:

OCCUPY WALL STREET HUNGER STRIKERS ARRESTED

This frightened me. As it is, simply being on a bicycle near an #Occupy protest is dangerous enough, since in America the police tend to assume anybody on a bicycle must be protesting something. So now that the 99% is harnessing the protest power of the hunger strike, and is endeavoring to become the 1% at least in terms of body fat, what happens if the police start cracking down on alleged hunger strikers too? Will they arrest anybody not eating within 50 feet of a drum circle? Certainly failing to eat constantly is unusual behavior in America--almost as strange as riding a bike--so I for one plan to walk around with a bag of McDonald's in one hand and a "venti" Starbucks cup in the other just to be sure police don't get the wrong idea.

The article itself was pretty sensible, but apparently Salon.com realized they were about to publish a bike-friendly article and so they tacked on that stupid headline before going to "press."

It goes without saying that we all need to be responsible cyclists who respect fellow road users and so forth, but the headline's implication--that the future of practical cycling relies entirely on cyclists' behavior--is idiotic. This is like publishing an article about how more people are starting to eat healthily because of the obesity epidemic and then putting this headline on it:

So whether you're riding a bike or eating some steamed vegetables, you better keep your head down and be quiet about it, because here in America it's a cardinal sin to offend the majority with your sensible behavior.

It's rare that I'd actually implore people to give money to a Kickstarter project, but in this case I am urging you to give to this one as generously as possible. This is not because I think the world needs more crude and misshapen panda bait that looks like it was made by Gilligan. Rather, it's because this person is making them in his own bedroom, and if he doesn't get a new workspace--and soon--he's going to suffer long-term health effects from all those epoxy fumes.

We're nearing that time of year when the "year end retrospect" lists, compilations, etc are expected. We, of course, expect such a review from you. I'm thinking a BSNYC "Women Who Make Bicycle Cycling Something to Live For" or something equally silly. Recumbabe, Uberhood green shorts, Wrath of Sadik-Kahn, you get the drift. Maybe even a 2012 calender.

When you're in the traffic nerve center, see if you can get the cops to hand out tickets to every jaywalker, even if it's just for an hour or so. If I had a nickel for every idiot who crosses against the light, or in the middle of a block, or runs through traffic, I'd be in the 1 percent in no time. On my ride to work this morning I got a dirty look from a woman who was walking down the street in the middle of the bus lane.

"calling it home (or at least temporarily calling it home until they downgrade to modular Ikea cities like Austin and Portland.)"

Snubby. I know how much you wanted to add links to those two words "Austin" and "Portland". But it was just too much work to find the perfect interweb refmeme to fill out your "Ikea Cities" idea and do it justice.

I used to like reading your blog, but now that you're mocking the Prospect Park West Bike Lane Video Lady you've crossed the line. As many people know, she is a caring and helpful person. She supports amateur videographers and in fact has won awards for her work in the past. You also probably don't know as you didn't care to take the time to find out, but her promotion of Dr. Pepper consumption among needy youth is also a HUGE charity undertaking. She just doesn't brag about it in a web-blog.

In light of today's posting, I request an immediate full and complete refund of my subscription.

At least with the Catlike-like helment, the straps are long enough to fit over the arms of your Oakleys. The ebay ad photos demonstrate this feature nicely. All of the pros seem to need to wear the straps of their real Catlike helmets underneath their sunglasses' arms.

No mention of fixies today, but does NY law allow for them to be ridden on streets? NEW YORK PENAL LAW (that's the law north of the Scranus) says in Section 1236 c) Every bicycle shall be equipped with a brake which will enable the operator to make the braked wheels skid on dry, level, clean pavement.Will hilpsters be claiming that their pedals are brakes? This could shut down the entire fixie fad, as well as give the cops something to do besides ticket folks with shopping bags on their handlebars.

Nice find on the BikePortland article. That was back in 2006 so I wonder what happened on appeal. Seems to me that the law says "equipped with a brake" which Rabbi Gamaliel took to mean "brake as a piece of equipment," leaving out the legs-as-brake argument. If the cops want a wholesale bike crackdown next summer, let them take on the hilpsters!

You gotta laugh when you hear the yokels complaining about bike lanes in NYC. It's always one of the following complaints:

1. Will destroy businesses! Utter crap.2. Makes it hard to get a cab. Don't understand this one.3. Makes traffic terrible! There aren't any bike lanes on the West Side highway, but have you tried to go upstate on a Friday at 4:30 pm? Cars make traffic terrible, not bikes.

in reference to the brian panties williams piece, i think it's pretty misleading to say that they've replaced car lanes with 260 miles of bike lanes. in most places the car lanes still exist as previously and they simply added a defined bike lane. All of this to improve the quality of life for new yorkers. what an absolutely insane idea. although i do find Janette to be a pretty exotic name.

Wow, New york must have almost as many A-holes on the road as Boston. I drove into to your fair city the other week. Then walked a whole bunch and taxi'd - the only thing I didn't do was bike ( I did see a bunch of hipsters on their bikes - who knew the caricature was simply a description of reality)Regardless, your traffic system is about the best I've experienced from every perspective - Sadik Kahn is a heroine. if you guys want rid of her, send her up North.Also, Want to swap some hilpsters for our Knight-riders. We've got about a 5:1 ratio of Ani (? I think this is the plural form) who ride in the night without lights compared to people who think being seen by cars is a good idea - clearly I am one of the uncool bicyclists!

Had to stop reading to comment: that little chit chat at the end of the Rock Center clip made me want to punch out Brian Williams right in his stupid smug SUV-driving-into-playgrounds face.

Also the whole damn thing was yet another example of fake-ass "balance" where media gives equal airtime to opposing views without bothering to check if one of those views is even arguing in good faith.

Maybe all of you 'empowered' little bikers should grow up and start paying taxes. When you get a real job with real responsibilities and stop asking for handouts/bike lanes, then you will be invited to the real adult world.

Phil A.--- My friend, I commute by bike every day here in the frigid Midwest. I also pay taxes on my home, my Ford 500 LTD, the wifes' Chevy Cobalt, and all the clothes and food I provide for my family. My church gets a measly $35 a week. Is that grown up enough that I could ask my city for a safe way to get to work? Oh, I forgot, since I and my loaded bike weigh 200 pounds, I am extending the life of the road, no?

You should take a look at the Supreme Court's Flast v. Cohen decision, which shredded your "I pay, therefore I say" logic about 50 years ago.

And that's a good thing for you because it's a safe bet that I pay more taxes than you and the difference would certainly cover a couple of buckets of green paint for a bike lane or two.)

(Now that I think of it, it's a shame I can't insist that my contributions fund a modest Greek revival pigeon coop near your parking space when you park on a publicly funded and maintained street. You'd enjoy the cooing and get an aerobic workout washing your vehicle after their fly over. Golly, it's just so hard to tell what's a common good expenditure and what's a pet project, isn't it?))

But if you're upset because my dog sold you one of the streets Ms. Sadik-Kahn painted, I'll make him give your money back. I've told him time and again that it's not nice to take advantage of simpletons.

Really Phil? Really? Maybe I should gas up with the money I donate to put a girl in El Salvador thru school for the last 18 years? Forgot to mention that. $30 a month. Since 1993. Beautiful girl. She rides a bike to get around. I like paying for things that help humankind. Who do you help besides yourself? What is the real reason for your dislike of cyclists? You can't possibly believe we are all jobless beggars. By the way, I'm a machinist, and I keep the wheels of industry turning by repairing everything from bulldozers to hot dog carts. How about some love?

I was being really real.You said you gave money to church, not a sexy Latin American lady.It's good that you have a solid work ethic, don't expect handouts and green bike lanes like the rest of these people.The safest place is still in your car.

Phil, while this blog may inflame your scranus a little, you may find that many folks here are pragmatic cyclists, not just raging car haters. Some people see the benefits of cars, bikes, motorcycles, etc all at once. After all, most of the blog entries skewer cyclist silliness.

If you really need to spleen-vent, work on Criticl Mass first so thatbwe don't have to.

Wow, why all the hate about Bamboo Phil's kickstarter project? He's just trying to raise a little money to start something. You know, make an honest living, contribute to society, and help the economy... "Can't we all just get along"

it escaped your comment -- though not I'm sure your notice -- that the District Bikes prototype has a seatpost-mounted shifter (along with an excssive, non-eco-friendly amount of petroleum-based-polymer-coated cable housing zip-tied to the frame.

You're our last bulwark against this kind of horror but you're asking us to give him money to perpetrate more such atrocities -- where's your social conscience?

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!