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How can I trust something I don’t know very well?
How can I believe in something that I have never experienced before?
How could I give up everything for something I don’t know has my best interest at heart?

I think I have allowed passions in my life to be replaced with things that are the here and now that have shadows of death dwelling in them. I only think they are good because they have pretty wrapping and a card addressed with sweet nothings in it. I used to know love and now have a hard time feeling it. I used to see God in things and replaced it with doubt and unbelief. The only thing dying here is me.

Judgment has been fogged out with the illusion that something besides God can take care of me. I need to come back to reality and stop messing with fire and let my burns heal.

I used to know you. I used to feel you. I used to trust you. I used to see you. Now all I find are the things that have compromised the person that was once inside me. I have allowed things to destroy the good that once was the shimmer on my face shinning on everything I was around.

Its all my fault and I am the only one that can choose to change and pick up what was lost…

I may produce a series of blogs. I have a lot in my head that needs sorting out and the only way I can fully get them all in order, is to write them down. So if you get confused in reading at the beginning, don’t worry I am too and it will get straightened out in the end. You just get to have the privilege of reading my sparky thought process. Aren’t you lucky?

So today’s msg went along with what I posted earlier this morning. “One Person Can Make a Difference”, it talked about doing things, listening to the Lord and ministering to people. How awesome for G-d to give confirmation or to agree with the thoughts going on in my little pea brain.

So now my brain is on the move. I know what the Lord wants me to do, its obvious. To preach the good news to the poor broken and downhearted. The question isn’t, “What do I do Lord”? The question is, “How do you want me to do this Lord?” I think my answer is to not be selfish. So many days I do whatever I want, do what I have to and just make sure at the end of the day I am finishing with something about me, for me, consuming me. If I were to live my life as Christ and die as gain, then I need to wake up with a new reality. My mindset needs to be focused outward. Seems like a no brainer right? Well, lets take a poll and see if our lives line up as to how selfish we are . . . I’m pretty sure that they will have the same amount because we are all the same. We have the same intentions of being all about others and really putting people first, but sometimes we slowly slip into what we want to do. That’s okay, I think it’s the process of being weeded out of our self into more of Jesus. We will never fully arrive until we are with Him in the end, but for now we can run hard and fast toward that goal.

Our pastors wife talked today. She said something that made me think a little more. Are we ministering to the people we work with, go to school with, have communion with? Are we here just to do our little duty as Christians and be on our way or are we really gonna try to make a difference? Am I looking for opportunities to pray for me, help people? Do I have the mindset of, “Well someday when the people I know want to ask about the Lord, they will do it on their own!”? Am I showing them something that is different? Is the love of Christ pouring out of me and placing a craving inside others to want that?

Am I truly doing what the Lord has called me? Are the plans I am walking out in my life, G-d’s plans for me? I think I could ask questions all day. But that might just leave me in the same place with more things to think about. I’m just gonna keep Practicing the Presence of G-d and kindling a lifestyle of Jesus and see where that gets me. My thoughts may cease and I may find myself right on the path the Lord has for me.

When the Lord speaks. Do we always listen? Do we fully understand? Of course not on both occasions. Most of the time, we don’t fully know that the Lord spoke to us until whatever He says to us comes to fruition. Those ever so subtle times that we actually pay attention to what the Lord is saying often times keep rising up in conversations at random. It’s those random bits that we need to truly listen. What if what He is trying to actually say is a very key part to a direction in your life or a warning you NEED to heed to? If we just simply dismiss those thoughts, thinking that they are just a falling leaf in time, it could be tragic or something big we just missed out on.

I have been thinking a lot about this recently and it brings up one of my favorite stories in the bible in 1 Samuel where Samuel is first hearing from the Lord. He gets confused in thinking that its his master speaking only to find out the 3rd time that it was G-d. That brings me sort of comfort knowing that Samuel didn’t recognize the Lord speaking to him. Now I do think that we deliberately ignore the Lord when He is talking to us as well and that can get us in trouble.

Here is the passage about Samuel hearing from the Lord:1 The boy Samuel ministered before the LORD under Eli. In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions. 2 One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. 3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the house of the LORD, where the ark of God was. 4 Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.” 5 And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down. 6 Again the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” “My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD: The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him. 8 A third time the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. 9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 10 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

You can read the rest of the story, but I wanted just wanted to share the part where Samuel is learning to listen to the Lord’s voice. If only we all had an Eli following us around telling us that the Lord is speaking to us . . . oh but we do. His name is The Holy Spirit. If we are kindling the relationship between the HS and us then it will be easier to hear the voice of G-d.

Right now at VC we are learning about the Holy Spirit and it has been great. I have been reminded to listen and pay attention to when the HS is moving and talking to me. Sometimes I don’t like what He is saying cause that means its gonna ruin my plans, my comforts, my lifestyle. But I have also been noticing that when I don’t listen and pay attention, I die a little inside and become like a dried up plant. So now that I have been awakened and made aware that I have not been paying that much attention to the HS, things are going to change, probably only in me at first, but eventually pour out into others around me.

In talking to someone last week about emotions, they stated how I shouldn’t let things effect me….my response was very proud in saying, “I think I have the right, giving what I grew up in.” They responded in agreement. Now thinking about that, I had a thought, I may have a right, but in saying that it is almost like I am claiming that as my bondage for all eternity, my some sort of cross to bear. I started to realize that that was kind of backwards thinking. It’s almost like saying, “hey, I used to be poor all my life, I HAVE to steal to feed myself!” Like having struggles and trials growing up is some sort of excuse to continue in bondage.

If I am truly wanting to be free and walk away from it all, then I can’t keep “accepting” that I will carry this around with me my whole life. I will always have the memories, but can truly lay it down at the foot of the cross and ask G-d to heal me, again. And whether or not I lay it down once a day or multiple times, He is right there to give me comfort and be the hand I need to pull me out.

I think when you find that place of aloneness, it can be a very broken, yet scary place. I can speak from experience. I never like to be alone and do “nothing”, it brings up too many thoughts and emotions I never want to deal with. But there is significance in those places where I believe the Lord dwells. He is there in the pain and sorrow and if we are not willing to sit in it with Him, to feel it “with” Him, then how are we ever going to be able to walk away from it? It’s okay to “feel” it, to get THROUGH it. To run backwards away from it or to just pitch a tent and live there is the complete WRONG thing to do.

G-d is my helper, the lifter of my head, the provider of my needs and if I need to just sit there and cry, then He is there to help, if I but reach for Him.

You don’t get to tear me apart, steal my soul and leave me hard
You can’t have control anymore, leave my soul and heart alone
I’m a child of the King and redemption is for me
I’m a child of the King and His love has set me free

Life has its ups and downs. Its mess ups and hang ups. Its great moments and terrifying circumstances. Its disappointments and challenging decisions. Its achievements and failures. Ever feel like you just need someone to think you are great, awesome and wonderful to have as a friend when you are going through what life throws at you? I think in these times we go through the devil is quick to be there and tell you that you are not great, not awesome and not wonderful enough to be a friend. We get torn down by life and lay there helpless as the thoughts roll in.

You think, “Oh I’ve dropped the ball again and everyone is gonna notice!” So easily the memories of being told you did a great job or that you are lovely and fun to have around, suddenly sink to the bottom of the ocean. Well I don’t know about you, but for me, I don’t tend to remember when that pat on the back comes and I hear, “Well Done!”. I start thinking that my talents and personality are just not what people want to be hanging around.

I have to remember that in the bible God says, “I will never leave you or forsake you!” Running to God with needing to feel great and adored and praised is the best place we can go. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling like no one thought I was great and what I had to offer was just not what people wanted. It has taken me a couple of weeks to “get over it” per say, but God so softly reminded me that HE thinks I’m great. I don’t need to praises of man to complete who I am, when who I am is in Him and Him alone.

I saw a pastor post this on twitter the other day, “If you don’t live by the praises of men you won’t die from their criticism.” I really took this to thought, because it is true. If what I was feeling was because I wanted man to praise me for my talents, then like his post said, I will die from their criticism. If you want someone to think you are great, look up and get smiled on by God, the one who truly thinks we are the greatest thing ever!

You know the times where everything is going crappy in our lives and you can’t seem to see the end? It’s in those times that we cry out to the Lord and ask for Him to move, to break through and give us a release. Every bad day, every time life gives us something we weren’t expecting, we call on the “Bad Day Jesus”. “Oh God, can you help me with this? Can you deliver me from this? When will you move? When will you come?” I know that in my stress and turmoil, I cry out to Him and ask for Him to break through. Sometimes I wonder if I have made Him JUST the Bad Day Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I think its good to cry to Him when we are broken, but what would happen if we cry out to Him in our good days too? What if instead of asking to be released from whatever we’re going through we ask for Him to teach us something new or that His will would be done in this?

I think that sometimes we can place Him in the spot of just being our “bad day Jesus”. It’s very easy to cry for help when we need it . . . but what about when we are having a great day, do we cry to Him still and ask for Him to move in our lives? Do we ask Him to work through us however He pleases? Do we ask for His will to be done? I know sometimes I don’t. I forget so much to ask Him to move me, use me, teach me, let His kingdom come into my life and spread out among others.

This has come to my attention a lot recently partly cause I have been having to learn it. I just started working a couple of weeks ago since being out of work for almost 4 months. It was a real stretching time for me. I had to learn to count on the Lord and ask for guidance and strength not to just fall apart when I thought it was all crashing down. When all else is lost, He needed to be my stronghold, my firm foundation where I could not be shaken.

I need to keep giving Him my heart and all that is within me. Everything that I hope for to change needs to be placed on the rock of my salvation in order for me to live. My life has to be a daily surrender to the hand of God, otherwise I start doing it all myself and mess everything up. The devil likes it when we take out lives into our own hands cause then he has something to play with . . . but we must remember . . . He (meaning Jesus) is for us. He is there to help us when we get lost. But also, He is there when we are content and have peace in our lives and He deserves to be our “Great Day Jesus”.

Listen to the song below, it has been a great song that has been ministering to me and hopefully you as well.

I have been thinking about this phrase, above in the title, for months now. Its funny when you say it to others and then suddenly reminded that this applies to you as well. Maybe its God trying to get my attention and telling me that I am worth more than I will ever know or believe. That this is something He is going to work in me while I figure out how to write it all out. There’s times when you feel so loved by God and then there’s times when you find it hard to believe that He could ever love you and want to spend time with you. I think it has taken me so long to write this blog because I know the Lord wants to work on me through it and frankly, I’m scared. Scared of the things that may come up. The things that I have tucked away from everyone. Even now as I am typing, I’m getting those nervous butterflies in my stomach.

There are times in all of our lives when we think we are all rubbish and no good for nothing. Our perspective can be so contorted to the point that we start thinking we look like mutants. I know the devil really likes those times cause he can whisper in our ear and get us to second guess ourselves and feel not worthy. We, as humans, all think that we don’t deserve things. As Christ followers, we have times where we think we are not good for the calling the Lord has given us. But I think He would like to remind us all, myself included, that we deserve everything because He loves us and wants us.

When I first started to think about this phrase it was when I was in one of those moods where I was feeling useless and thinking of everything I have ever done and thought, “you know, I don’t deserve for things to go right in my life, I have not been faithful to the Lord.” “I don’t deserve to have an awesome Godly man of God that has been faithful his whole life, when I haven’t.” But as I thought about this, something came to mind . . . I don’t deserve anything, but because Christ died for my sins, I deserve EVERYTHING. I don’t deserve the breath in my lungs, but I deserve to breathe. I don’t deserve love, but I deserve to be loved. He became the consequence of my sin. He bore it all on the cross, so that I can live. I deserve what I don’t deserve.

That phrase started to became a righteous anger, that you know what, I DO deserve what I don’t deserve. I am evil, sinful and sometimes the walk with Christ is more of a slivering on the floor like a snake, but because God loves me and sent His son to die on a cross for me, I deserve the world. It brought my spirits up a bit. The Lord wants to give good gifts to His children. So when I think, “oh crap, I messed up again, I’m so far from God.” If I just turn to Him and He gives me life again. It would be like Him to give us something we don’t deserve. After all, we are still alive and aloud to make the step back to Him.

So in closing to this lengthy blog, I deserve to have Christ, because I don’t deserve Him.

I sit down.
Put on some music.
Open a new post.
And wait for the new wonders of thought to pour out.
I can’t remember the last time I just let the mind drift into new meadows.
To discover random smells and the beauty of color.

I’ve been cleaning up the miscellaneous stuff I own recently.
Reading the different letters and important grown up papers,
Looking at pictures from when I was little, the different stages I went through.
Organizing my books on my bookshelf and wishing it was bigger so more books could fit.
Throwing away stuff I haven’t touched in 3 years.
Having time to remember is sometimes a very precious gift, that I think even for myself I get so busy wrapped up in my life that I forget little important things.

Funny when you haven’t written in a while, all the thoughts that have been wondering aimlessly around inside suddenly all come out in random bits of code and are very hard to understand. I mean I get them, but they are my thoughts, so shouldn’t I? Haha

I wanna become a calligraphy artist. Or just really good with pen-men-ship, haha.

I need to stop…until another time when I can sort out my thoughts better with a fresh mind….good day!

I didn’t think I would ever get through.
I didn’t think there was hope.
I didn’t think I could get the freedom I needed.
I didn’t think there were others like me.
I didn’t think the light would ever come.
I didn’t know you still wanted me.
I didn’t know you still desired me.

I think today is gonna be one of those days where different emotions set in and thoughts arise. Now before you think that I’m all upset and going to splash my concerns over a blog that no one wants to read, just hold tight and hear what I have to say.

Friday, I was in search of an encouraging book. A book that may have some insight as to why I once desired God so much and now I find it a struggle to more times then not. Unfortunately the one I found is not in stock anywhere. (great now to wait for it come in, so I got a different book. ) A friend and I are sort of on the same trek together and we decided to get see if there was some sort of book that maybe could point insight to our dilemma. (don’t judge me for thinking a book may help, maybe that’s your problem, and I NOT trying to be mean, just sharing…) I was opposed to the idea of a book at first, cause why would I need to search out in a book my problem when I knew what it was? But to my surprise in the first few pages, I felt like crying, it really touched me. I didn’t get to go too deep into it at the moment, but today will be the day where I can really plug into it. My friend said that she was not sure about it yet, as she read to the end of chapter one. But we’ll see.

I have also started to read devotionals every day and a verse to go with it. That has been a real refresher, because for me, whenever I take a step back and find myself in my own world and realized I left the Lord behind me, I am now standing on a very thin rope. My wants and feelings get all messed up. I get in a bad mood and treat people like crap. I wanna run to every WRONG thing and partake in it a thousand-fold.

The verse of the day today was like a stake in the ground, like a pillar made for a vow or a promise: Ephesians 6:10-11; Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the FULL armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes. I don’t know about you, but this hit me different today. I have read this a bunch of times, but haven’t for a while. That is my answer to the questions: “where have you been Lord? why have you been silent? why do I want to follow evil?” If I am not placing the armor on EVERY day, then I may as well sign my name on the doted line and give over all rights to sanity and peace . . . with God!

When the thoughts come and feelings tell me to run with my rebellious ambitions . . . I need to realize, I can’t mess around. There is not enough time. I KNOW better than to play with the ideas in my head and go with what I feel all the time. I need to stick to the Lord and run after Him even with everything I carry along the way . . . and when that happens, I find that as I get closer to Him, the things that once hung on me like heavy chains, now are far behind. Inspiration whispers in my ear again. Beauty runs away with me. I find life in everything again . . . once I take the maker around with me close to my heart.

Lastly, another friend posted something on her blog and I’d like to share. I recently lost my grandpa and still have a hard time with it. The way that I released what I was feeling was through totally wrong venues. And having lost him was the topping to everything else I have been feeling and dealing with the last year . . . so this really ministered to me.:He is Here–Anyway by Ruth Senter

God is everywhere present, so why am I surprised when I find Him in unexpected places? Royalty in a barn? Sovereignty riding a common colt through the streets of Jerusalem? Peace by the bedside of a friend’s mother who is dying of leukemia? Expectations are disappointed. Plans are thwarted. I do not like what life does to people and plans.

But the very essence of God is that He is here anyway. No, the conditions are not right. But He is here–perhaps even more so because the conditions are not right. The conditions were not right when He came. There was no room in the inn. The conditions were not right when He died. They crucified Him with two criminals, one on each side. Not until He comes again will be conditions ever be right.

But the Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. (John 1:14) It is the height of incongruity. It is in His humanity that we catch glimpses of Christ’s divinity. The shepherds came to the stable and found a King. The people lined the streets of Jerusalem for a common colt and found the Messiah. So I must go through the death of a friend and know peace. For God often chooses to couch His lessons in places and situations that don’t make sense. But He is God, and HE is there. I will find Him, if I will but look.