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Monday, March 28, 2011

Today is one of those days - one of many recent and one of many more to come - where life's new twists and turns have me walking out the door of several years of fond memories and unthought of heartache towards a future of Who Knows.

It isn't a fancy place, this house. And while smaller than many, it was enough; certainly more than many others hope for and at the end of the day it wasn't just stucco and wood and cement and shingles - it was our home.

This is the house that broke us, in many ways, though of course it's not only to blame - not one single thing is. But it was also the house of much happiness - where two of the three boys were born, where many Halloweens and birthdays and summers were spent, where Easter eggs were hidden and found, where dinners were made, and birthday cakes created, where oranges were picked and eaten in the yard, where swing sets were built and ignored, where gardens were planted and bloomed, where Christmas trees sat and fell, where life moved at a speed quicker than we could register - all inside these walls that were being fixed and patched and painted as we fell apart.

I slowly circle one more time in the living room. It still feels oddly full, even in its bareness. Though the smell of cardboard boxes and laundered clothes and nostalgia has left in trucks and U-Hauls, a vaguely familiar scent remains - the way the house smelled the day we got the keys - of vacancy and emptiness. It sinks in. The truth is, this house didn't break us. We did. And this house isn't haunted. We are.

It's hard to fathom that I'm taking one last look around our house and leaving it to go to my house. The newness of everything is jarring and yet exciting and the adventure of it all has its moments of hope and its share of fear.

I shut the door. I pause on the porch step, taking in this very moment, soaking in this change like sunlight on my skin, breath in my lungs. There's nothing left here for me anymore. Today is another reminder of moving onward, this time, literally. I remind myself: A house is a house but a home is what you make it so I have not just packed our clothes and photographs and books and toys but our memories too. They, though the heaviest of all the things to carry, are the easiest to move.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Having a boyfriend or husband in prison is a stigma in our society. However, it is possible to cope and get through this difficult time in your life. Let me help you along the way and give you a few tips that I have found helpful in my journey. I myself am a "Prison Girlfriend." My man has been in the prison system for the past 2 months, and it isn't the first time. But this time it's so much longer. He was first in a minimum security unit, a place called "DRDC," with open doors, and no barbed wire. Now he is in a medium security facility, hoping to come back home the summer of 2016...praying everyday it is sooner. The "Prison Wife" is the forgotten one, as she waits at home for her man. Our society takes care of the sick, the dying, the homeless, but the prisoner's wife is alone and forgotten. She is faced with insurmountable problems....financial, emotional, psychological, social, stigmatization, health problems to face alone, children to take care of. She keeps the household "together" until her husband comes home. She works, pays the bills, pays the mortgage or rent, the car payments, the insurances. She takes care of the children, the repairs for the house, and just about everything else under the sun. Holidays and birthdays come and go. She is alone and lonely, most often faced with depression. Most prison wives find it difficult to even face another day. The prison wife lives in hiding because she is afraid the neighbors may find out. So she lies and says he is on a "business trip," to protect herself. After all, the neighbors would be shocked to know that a criminal's wife lives next door to them. And what does she tell the children? No one wants to let his child play with a criminal's child. When her husband leaves for prison, the wife goes through a period of "grieving." She goes through the same "grieving process" that a widow goes through. The only difference is that the widow can eventually move on, while the prison wife cannot. The prison wife is a "wife," but without a husband. She cannot go out and socialize, and it is difficult to make new friends, as she feels she is being "unfaithful" to her husband. After a certain amount of time (months or even years), it is acceptable in our socity for the widow to step out, start dating and even remarry. The prison wife who is faithful and dedicated to her husband does not have this option. Some women wait years for their man to return - ten, even twenty or more years. There are close to two million prisoners in our country...that makes me wonder just how many wives and loved ones are left behind and forgotten. We think about the prisoner, but rarely think about those left behind...the wives, the children, the mothers, and the girlfriends, to name a few. Those loved ones, who did not commit a crime, except the crime of "loving a criminal." They did not commit a crime, and yet they are punished. When their husband goes to prison, they are not notified by the prison system where their husband is. I believe there should be some notification system in this country. The woman must sit and wait, until her lover is able to place a collect call to her. Sometimes it can take weeks on end. There should be support systems in this country for prison wives. There should be follow-up programs for families of the incarcerated - to see how they are coping... even after the sentence is over. I will now give you some tips on how to get through this period of your life if you happen to be a prison wife, too. This is from my own personal experience, and I hope it can help you. Remember, you are not alone. There are so many of us out there experiencing the same feelings and emotions...the same problems."Ways To Cope"1. Take one day at a time. Do not think too far in advance. Try to "get through one more day."2. Plan small projects for each day, and try to reach a goal. For instance, I put all our photos in photo albums during the first few weeks of my boyfriend's incarceration. Now I scrapbook and make crazy pages. When that project was complete, I started cleaning out drawers and closets.3. Organize your life. I reorganized bills and mail, using folders and envelopes, and I keep logs, writing everything down.4. Keep pictures of your man around the house. I have pictures in every room. Some already existed, and I have since added more.5. Join a church group. This has been a huge thing for me, and a huge part of my life before, and now that he is incarcerated. 6. Get involved...acquire hobbies. Knitting, needlepoint, gardening, writing, keeping a diary....anything. Just do something, even if you force yourself to do it. As time goes on, it will get easier, and you will begin to enjoy it. 7. Keep in close contact with your man. Accept phone calls (if you can afford it, as prison phone calls are extrememly expensive), send him letters, cards, magazine and newspaper clippings, and computer print-outs of things that interest him. Send him pictures (old and new). Men in prison love to look at pictures from home. It helps them keep from becoming homesick. My boyfriend has almost 100 pictures that he keeps in photo albums, and loves to share with the inmates, and show them our family and home. If I change something in the household, or buy anything new, I take a picture and send it to him, so he always feels connected to our home. 8. Keep a notebook near the phone at all times. Jot down things you want to discuss with your husband when he calls. Remember, those are 15-minute calls, and there is a lot to say in a short period of time, so get organized beforehand.9. Cry when you have to, but try to stay focused. Do not be torn apart by the prison system. You are still a person, and a wife/girlfriend...and you need to be supportive to your man, for this is not easy on him either.10. Try to stay healthy. Eat right, avoid junk food and alcohol. Exercise. Try walking. After all, you want to be physically fit when he comes home!I hope this article will be of some help to the wives and loved ones of prisoners, as they await their loved one's return while he is in prison.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Tonight, I learned something pretty incredible from someone very special to my heart! JR's mom interrupted me at the end of our conversation tonight and said "you never say goodbye"... at first, I didn't know what she meant! I thought she meant I never said goodbye before hanging up with her. BUT, what she meant was that you shouldn't say "goodbye" when getting off the phone with someone. Or, maybe it isnecessarywithcertainpeople! Hehe...The term goodbye implies that there is little to no probability of meeting again in the future, as opposed to using the term later, which means you will see or talk to someone at a later moment in time. Wow, what a touching thing - and coming from her, I will never forget this amongst many other things! I always wondered why Dane would say "see ya" or "TTFN" (ta-ta for now...like Tigger!) or something along those lines. Now I totally understand it! This is how he was raised, and he has never known any differently... how COOL is THAT?!

Today I totally broke down at work. I was shaking, tight chested, tingling fingers, everything was spinning, and uncontrollable crying. This is so hard for me. To wonder, is a dangerous thing. By definition, it is to think or speculate curiously. As an addict, we are told that we can not control our past, and not to dwell on that. Not to wonder about all the what ifs in life. As adults, many of us are taught, this is life, take it or leave it, stop wondering about what would have happened if only. Basically, we are not really "supposed" to wonder about anything.When I met Dane, almost 3 years ago, I forced myself to not wonder. For me, it was a curse to indulge those thoughts. I was left in tears, sobbing uncontrollably if I started to wonder about my life, his life, our lives. If I began to wonder about all the things he did wrong, all the nights of trusting him when I knew damn well something was up, then I was left depressed. So many nights, days, weeks, months, I was just stuck in my depression. I felt stupid, felt betrayed, and then I was left to just sit and wonder.Now, he is gone. Gone for a long time. Again, I can't help but go back to the good ol' wonder. I am constantly thinking of all the what ifs, all the things I realistically should not be thinking about, all the things i know I can not control. But alas, I can not seem to stop. Imagination is something I long to hold on to, that so many of us as adults tend to lose because we "grew up". I am imagining all of these things, some good, some bad. I can not make sense of them, or stop them. I try to think positive, and stay in the now of this, but it just feels like I have been frozen all this time, and now, it is time for life to start again...without him. But how?Here come the "what ifs". What if he doesn't like me, what if I don't like him, what if he relapses, what if I do, what if he can't handle life outside, what if he gets all "controlly" of me, what if he wants me all to himself all the time and I just need a break, what if the resentments come back, what if we forget to forgive, what if the kids aren't happy, what if this, what if that. So many thoughts are spinning in my head right now. Do I wait for him? Do I move on? Do I keep going but not date? WHAT do I do??I know I can not think all these things, or shouldn't think them, yet at times, this is where I am. I am in love with this man, and I know in my heart of hearts things will work. I know this. I feel this. I believe this. They always do! We've never been apart longer than a month. And when I say that, it means we weren't living together! We'd still see each other, we'd still talk/text everyday. That's just how we're wired together. Then why am I wondering so much?? How do these thoughts keep coming up, and why am I allowing myself for that brief moment to feel doubt and uncertainty when he is the only thing I am certain of and have always been certain of?? I guess all I can do is sit, try to find the answers, and wonder some more. That will definitely drive me to the point of insanity...Life is just funny sometimes. It really is. For lack of a better word I am saying funny. It isn't always comical, but, funny is the only word I can think of. More or less, if I don't laugh off the bullshit, I would cry.More to come... I have AT LEAST 3-5 more years of bullshit visits, guards that think they're holier than thou, metal detectors, barbed wire, you get my drift. And I'm already fed up with it! I hate it. I hate the jumpers they wear, I hate the other prisoners in the room, the cameras all over, the deputies watching our every move. I just hate this! I am tired of it, and I want it to end. Now. I just want to wake up from this dream, but can't seem to do so.

I wish I could use tangible words to describe what I'm feeling tonight, and every day for that matter. But once again, I'm just blank. You'd think by now I'd be numb to this feeling -- but I'm not. It just seems to get worse and worse as the days go by. This is hard on him? Are you kidding me? If he only knew how hard it is on ME... when I didn't doanythingthat contributes to this, and don't deserve to be put through hell because of it. But here I am! Trying to hold down the fort without him.Finally, he was able to call home. I just can not explain it, when I answer, and I hear the beginning of the recorded message, "You have a call from...." and he always says "I love you Baby" instead of his name. As soon as I heard it, I just began crying. Lately, it is like I miss him more than I ever have. It's weird because when we were together, I always wanted my space. I wanted us to have our own lives but also have our special bond. We had many mutual friends, but I did things with my girls and he did things with the guys. Now that he isn't here, and I can't call him at any second and say "where are you? I need to see you! Let's get lunch in 20 minutes" or now that I'm not getting my evening hug and kiss when he gets home, or the typical "what's for dinner" phone call, I'd do anything to get all of that time back and spend every waking moment together. I never thought I'd need him here when I cry... but it seems like that's the only person that could ever take this pain away or at least bring me hope. It's been a month and a half and it feels like YEARS. I'm beginning to wonder if I can do this for years to come...It's almost like I am having a hard time breathing without him, doing anything without him. I really hate this, this constant state of loneliness. Being here, trying so hard to raise my kids, work, maintain our house, doing all of this without him here is just weighing on me now more than ever. And when I really think about it, he didn't do much when he was around anyways! LoL. Granted, he did make dinner, pack school lunches, pick up the house, do a load of laundry every once in a blue moon, mow the grass, wash the cars, fix things, etc... but it is nothing I can't do without him - if that makes sense. Day in and day out, I face the same thingsalone.But, tonight at least I got a phone call. Talking to him was great, feeling his love was exactly what I needed. I want more, as always. He has still not heard anything that I haven't. I'm pretty good at blowing up the case manager's voicemail until the prick returns my calls - or prying information out of anyone and everyone I can. He keeps telling me that it will be okay, and they can't keep him forever, but ya know, it doesn't feel right. Right now, nothing feels right.I'm sure I'll post again soon. With the trials, tribulations, and triumphs of a life shared with a man behind bars, I'm bound to have lots to write about. But, at least I have some light at the end of my tunnel after our conversation tonight, because someday, someday soon, Dane will be home. With me and the boys, where he belongs! And he'll never go back -- if that means me holding him down physically, then by all means I will do it... because I never ever ever want to go through this again, nor will I. And thank God he knows that and understands where I'm coming from.

At first, I didn't tell a soul. Now when people ask, I tell them the absolute truth! Because at the end of the day...I really don't care what people think about my family. If people are going to judge me for my man's actions, then I don't want them as friends anyways.

But...I just got an email from my 5 year old's kindergarten teacher telling me that he has been regressing. He no longer participates in classroom activities, he sits against the wall at recess, he is very shy and quiet, and just not himself. I have been so apprehensive about telling people within the school district about this. The last thing I need is for something to go down and my kid get the blame and the casual "oh, well his mom's boyfriend is in prison, what do you expect?" bullshit. People are too judgmental, and as much as I don't give a shit about what people think about me -- I do care about how my kids will be treated and looked at. I'm sure once some of the moms at their school hear about this, they'll stop allowing playdates. I mean honestly, what closed-minded person wants their child playing with a criminal's kid? I can just see it all happening as I type this. If I hadn't been put in this position, I'd probably feel the same way. I wouldn't want my kid subjected to anything like that. Thank goodness all of my close girlfriends are so supportive, and my kids have their best friends no matter what the outcome may be.As far as telling my kids where Daddy Dane is, at first I lied and said he was on a business trip. Then Noah answered my phone one time and heard the automated voice say "you are receiving a call from inmate _____ at Denver County Jail, press one if you wish to be connected" and he KNEW what was up. Mama was busted!! I've recently told the oldest two... because I can't lie forever. Kids are the furthest thing from unintelligent. But I'll keep telling my youngest that he is in a grown-up timeout for now. ;)I want to break down and cry. I knew it affected Brody drastically, but I had no idea. He is different when he is around me. I know the feelings that are bombarding our family, and I try and talk openly with him. I tell him to snap out of it when he's grouchy or sad, and I try to do the same. But's it is not easy. He and Dane were SO close. Like so close that I can't even explain it. They just shared a bond. And unbreakable one at that. I know he needs that father figure that Daddy Dane has become. All 3 of them need that! And I'm trying to do the things with them that he used to do... but it's just not the same and Igetthat.On the other hand, Noah is very open about this. He has told just about e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. He misses him, I get it. It's all new to him and he doesn't understand that it's private family business. I think after I sat down and talked with him, that he talks about it less to strangers now. It was adorable when he came home from school and said "Mom, mom, mom! Chase told me his dad is in county jail too." -- it's like their own little kid therapy group. Haha!!What about pictures? That's another concern. Anyone that has seen my house knows that I am ALL about the memories and the pictures that go along with them. My walls are filled beautifully, and all my bookshelves and mantles. Do I take down the pictures of him? Or leave them up for positive memories of him? I'm accepting this more and more everyday. It is my reality whether I like it or not. Yes, I am in for the long haul, but no I will not put my life on hold. It's going to take some time to pick up the pieces again... but once I do, I plan to embrace this as my "now". I will go on with my life. I'm not sure that I'll date again. I really have no desire. I HATE dating and everything that comes with it. I like what I am comfortable with, and someone I am comfortable around. That's Dane :). I don't really want anyone else. That connection is so incredible, and the feelings are so overwhelming that I just can't see myself with anyone else. Nor would I put anyone else in that position...because yes, I am still in love with another man and most likely always will be. Every man I've ever dated in between and around our little breakups, I've always compared to him. It's just something I do. Dane and I have a connection that I will never have with anyone else, and that he will never have with anyone else. Yes, we have our moments...but we've always come back to each other one last time. And probably always will!! And I am okay with that. Who knows what's next.

It was two years ago that what I thought to be a night out with my girlfriend Heather, turned into falling in love with a man I'd normally never even talk to. We were at a bar I'd never ever dream of going to. He and his friends were doing things I hadn't done since college, and I was just so miserable and really just wanted to go home. He constantly blew up my phone for the next 2 months until he finally convinced me to go out with him! I figured I had nothing to lose. I don't know what the hell it was... but I sure got attached. Maybe because he had mastered the skill of sweet-talking ;) or maybe it was that grin that could get him out of ANY trouble he was in with me.He would constantly tell me that all he wanted was to be with me. He said being with me was better than being with anyone else. He loved and enjoyed my kids as much as I did. Which was highly important to me. For once in my life, I felt wanted and loved. And in turn, I fell for him. For me, that was the largest part of his charm. Of course there were other things. Similar interests. How he treated me, how he talked to me. But above them all was the way he clearly wanted me. He wanted to spend every night together and the only reason we didn’t was because I have so much chaos right now. He would do anything to lure me to his place more often. He wanted to move in together.

In all honesty, I’m scared for us right now. Opening up and closing down are both very hard for me. It cost me so much to let go the first time and *try* to move on. But the emotions that came back, were just the ones that never went away. And won't. It cost me so much, and it will only cost me more to pull back and try and move on with ease again.I guess I just feel like an idiot for thinking that I wouldn't wind up hurt or in another bad position. But worst of all, I've put my kids in a very tight spot. They are too young to really know what the fuck is going on. And more importantly, their innocence is by far more valuable to me than any man is. Even though I love him. Truly, madly, deeply. I love him with every fiber in my being -- that has been tested through and through... I just can't put my kids in harm's way, and certainly can't put them through the slow hell that I am going through. They know. They aren't gullible. They know something is up, and that mommy is a wreck. They see me cry over the simplest, most ridiculous things and they hear conversations. They HAVE to know what's going on.It's been two weeks. Two weeks since the last hug, the last kiss, the last laugh, and the last phone call asking what was for dinner. We were finally working things out -- finally ready to actually commit. He was stepping up to the plate and I couldn't have been happier. We moved back in together, melded our lives together yet again and wham - it was all ripped out from under me. My safety, my security, my happiness. It was that butterflies in the stomach, weak in the knees crazy rush kind of love. I loved falling asleep and waking up holding each other. I loved how he couldn't sleep unless his leg was over mine, or touching me in some way just to make sure I didn't leave the bed in the middle of the night. I loved how we could just sit and talk for hours and truly enjoy every minute of the absolute ridiculous banters.Every morning we would sit on the porch and have that first cigarette, coffee, and just talk until it was time to wake the boys. We loved watching the sunrise together. So peaceful and just reminded us of how beautiful life truly is.I can hardly type this right now. It's just tearing me up inside. I knew this day would eventually come. I did. But I had no idea it would be this soon, and no idea this would be what it was for. It sucks knowing that I was part of his lie. That I was lied to time after time after time. He told me everything was great, fine, dandy. But it wasn't. Or else he wouldn't have been taken away from me and my boys for the next 10 to 15 years. He wouldn't be missing hockey practices and games, he wouldn't be missing birthdays, he wouldn't be missing parent/teacher conferences, and my kids wouldn't be wondering where the hell Dane is and when they get to talk to him and laugh with him, and joke with him. They miss it. But not as much as I do.The worst thing about this situation is that it's out of my control and there is absolutely nothing I can do, except wait and pray. The waiting part is the hardest, you feel in the dark about everything, not knowing what's really going on, not knowing what will happen, just racing thoughts followed by headaches and more headaches. I feel like we've already lost so much time, and this is just the absolute worst. Everyday when I wake up it's so incredibly hard to get out of bed, I keep asking myself, for what? Why should I get up? To be reminded that my world has been smashed to pieces? That alone is a struggle, but I've been doing it. I've got three kids, a career, and bills to pay. I'm still in shock. I have to take sleeping pills to fall asleep or else I'll sit there and think all night long. I spent the first 76 hours without sleeping or eating and was throwing up to the point of throwing up blood. My body stopped functioning the way it needed to, and in return I relapsed and had 4 seizures. My girlfriends got so worried and knew it wasn't like me to not answer my phone, and thank God for Mandee's gut, telling her to coming over. I had fallen down the stairs and was laying on the hardwood floor when she got there. She immediately called 911 and I was admitted into ICU for 6 days until everything was up to par. It was seriously a freakish experience.I go throughout my days now still in shock. That's the best way to describe it. Shock... total shock. At night, I toss and turn and cannot sleep. I usually have to fight back the tears that never seem to want to stop from falling. As days go on, it gets harder and harder, waiting and not knowing what will happen. Sometimes when I write, I just start crying because the feelings and thoughts that I have are just so intense for me to explain to him and it gets the best of me emotionally. Each day now, I am trying little by little to find more faith, one step at a time. Because afterall, I can honestly say that faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding onto.

Having a boyfriend or husband in prison is a stigma in our society. However, it is possible to cope and get through this difficult time in your life. Let me help you along the way and give you a few tips that I have found helpful in my journey.

I myself am a "Prison Girlfriend." My man has been in the prison system for the past 2 months, and it isn't the first time. But this time it's so much longer. He was first in a minimum security unit, a place called "DRDC," with open doors, and no barbed wire. Now he is in a medium security facility, hoping to come back home the summer of 2016...praying everyday it is sooner.

The "Prison Wife" is the forgotten one, as she waits at home for her man. Our society takes care of the sick, the dying, the homeless, but the prisoner's wife is alone and forgotten.

She is faced with insurmountable problems....financial, emotional, psychological, social, stigmatization, health problems to face alone, children to take care of. She keeps the household "together" until her husband comes home. She works, pays the bills, pays the mortgage or rent, the car payments, the insurances. She takes care of the children, the repairs for the house, and just about everything else under the sun. Holidays and birthdays come and go. She is alone and lonely, most often faced with depression.

Most prison wives find it difficult to even face another day. The prison wife lives in hiding because she is afraid the neighbors may find out. So she lies and says he is on a "business trip," to protect herself. After all, the neighbors would be shocked to know that a criminal's wife lives next door to them.

And what does she tell the children? No one wants to let his child play with a criminal's child.

When her husband leaves for prison, the wife goes through a period of "grieving." She goes through the same "grieving process" that a widow goes through. The only difference is that the widow can eventually move on, while the prison wife cannot. The prison wife is a "wife," but without a husband. She cannot go out and socialize, and it is difficult to make new friends, as she feels she is being "unfaithful" to her husband.

After a certain amount of time (months or even years), it is acceptable in our socity for the widow to step out, start dating and even remarry. The prison wife who is faithful and dedicated to her husband does not have this option. Some women wait years for their man to return - ten, even twenty or more years.

There are close to two million prisoners in our country...that makes me wonder just how many wives and loved ones are left behind and forgotten. We think about the prisoner, but rarely think about those left behind...the wives, the children, the mothers, and the girlfriends, to name a few. Those loved ones, who did not commit a crime, except the crime of "loving a criminal." They did not commit a crime, and yet they are punished.

When their husband goes to prison, they are not notified by the prison system where their husband is. I believe there should be some notification system in this country. The woman must sit and wait, until her lover is able to place a collect call to her. Sometimes it can take weeks on end.

There should be support systems in this country for prison wives. There should be follow-up programs for families of the incarcerated - to see how they are coping... even after the sentence is over.

I will now give you some tips on how to get through this period of your life if you happen to be a prison wife, too. This is from my own personal experience, and I hope it can help you. Remember, you are not alone. There are so many of us out there experiencing the same feelings and emotions...the same problems.

"Ways To Cope"

1. Take one day at a time. Do not think too far in advance. Try to "get through one more day."

2. Plan small projects for each day, and try to reach a goal. For instance, I put all our photos in photo albums during the first few weeks of my boyfriend's incarceration. Now I scrapbook and make crazy pages. When that project was complete, I started cleaning out drawers and closets.

3. Organize your life. I reorganized bills and mail, using folders and envelopes, and I keep logs, writing everything down.

4. Keep pictures of your man around the house. I have pictures in every room. Some already existed, and I have since added more.

5. Join a church group. This has been a huge thing for me, and a huge part of my life before, and now that he is incarcerated.

6. Get involved...acquire hobbies. Knitting, needlepoint, gardening, writing, keeping a diary....anything. Just do something, even if you force yourself to do it. As time goes on, it will get easier, and you will begin to enjoy it.

7. Keep in close contact with your man. Accept phone calls (if you can afford it, as prison phone calls are extrememly expensive), send him letters, cards, magazine and newspaper clippings, and computer print-outs of things that interest him. Send him pictures (old and new). Men in prison love to look at pictures from home. It helps them keep from becoming homesick. My boyfriend has almost 100 pictures that he keeps in photo albums, and loves to share with the inmates, and show them our family and home. If I change something in the household, or buy anything new, I take a picture and send it to him, so he always feels connected to our home.

8. Keep a notebook near the phone at all times. Jot down things you want to discuss with your husband when he calls. Remember, those are 15-minute calls, and there is a lot to say in a short period of time, so get organized beforehand.

9. Cry when you have to, but try to stay focused. Do not be torn apart by the prison system. You are still a person, and a wife/girlfriend...and you need to be supportive to your man, for this is not easy on him either.

You never know how strong you are until you are put to the test. There are many things I never thought I would ever know about. Being the spouse of an inmate is one of them. You always dream as a child of what your future might hold. Of marriage and career and children. But you never imagine that one day, the love of your life would turn to such foolish schemes. But the biggest thing I never knew is how strong I really was. I have a close friend who has asked me several times, "How do you do it? How do you stay so strong? How do you keep smiling in the midst of everything?" I really don't know how to answer these questions. Being both mom and dad to my kids never seemd like it was a choice I made, but one that was made for me. The hand I was dealt. Of course, some may argue that it is my choice since I decided to stay. Some days I don't feel very strong. I would say my faith has kept me strong or at least given me the facade of being strong. But even my faith is shaky at best sometimes. I would say my children make me strong. And they do give me the strength to persevere, yet... I think of myself as a survivor. I have survived and thrived despite the fact that the cards are stacked against me. I do not like victims. I do not have patience for people who blame everything that happens on someone or something else. I do not have pity for someone who cannot hold themselves accountable for their actions. And I.WILL.NOT. let anything, take my strength from me. I don't think strength is being strong or "keeping your chin up". I think strength is courage under fire. Courage is not the lack of fear. It is looking fear in the eye and not backing down. It is not running. It is getting up everyday and just facing it. That's it. Nothing more. So am I strong? I think so. I am strong on the fact that I make mistakes, but I am a good mother. I am strong in the fact that love is action and not words. And I am strong in the fact that though my man is not beside me right now, I know that love never fails. So I will wait. And sometimes I will be sad and lonely. Sometimes, I will be frustrated and angry. Always, though I know that I am strong. I know that I can do things on my own. After all, I am a survivor. I am strong. And I know now, that I can do anything.

Daily (ish) updates about my life as an inmate's other half. Emotions, visits, calls, letters, and everything else that comes with this journey that so quickly becomes a lifestyle.

Our relationship and his life was saved by God putting him in prison. There is no doubt in my mind about that!

The definition of a prison girlfriend: mail man chasing, letter writing, picture taking, card creating, support group attending, tough as a nail woman staying strong for the man she is in love with!