Sister Sunshine Is Your Fag Hag

Listen, queen. Don’t get Sister Sunshine wrong. It’s not that she hates gay people or anything. After all, she loves how you two can go out for appletinis or stay in with pints of your favorite flavors of Häagen-Dazs (she just a fiend for the raspberry vanilla swirl!), and she looooves that you will always greet her problems with a comforting “Oh, gurhl…” and offer a sympathetic sassy snap when all is resolved. You’re totes her bestie!

But still…

It’s just that she just really doesn’t like it when you talk about your “lifestyle choice” filled with blow jobs and chicken fucking with your seven anonymous gay husbands or whatever it is you do, and she definitely doesn’t want it being taught in California’s schools. What about the children? It has her so riled up and worried that she’s just gotta vlog about it! While driving the car!

‘Cos really, what starts as an innocent lesson about the Stonewall Riots and Harvey Milk is just going to snowball (which you know all about) into torrid histories of all manners of sexual deviancy and a class called Fudgepacking 101 (which is kind of like Arts and Crafts?), at which point AP Powerbottoming is all but inevitable. So really, you’re still totes her bestie, but this is why people have to home school their kids.