Things between me and Gerard have been better the last couple days; but I still haven't forgotten what he said to me. I'll never forget, I don't think he well either. But, it's not like we can do anything about it, if I felt like that about him, which I don't.
Well, that's what I've been thinking about the most in the last few days. I think I actually do. I think I love Gerard. I think I'm in love with Gerard. My big brother. That sounds so wrong to say, but then it doesn't at the same time. It just fits. Now I really think, it seems so obvious. I've liked him for god knows how long but I didn't realise because I didn't think it was possible, I never even considered it.
He puts a brave face on for the guys. It's fake. I'm his brother, I can tell. He's not performing like he used to either. None of the other guys have noticed but it's like he's lost that spark, that little light in his eyes has gone out and it's my fault. I need to talk to him. I get up from my bunk and walk towards the kitchen where Gerard is, surprise surprise, making a mug of coffee.
'How many of those have you had now?' I ask, making him jump.
'Jesus christ, Mikes! Only 5 and you're no better,' he replied.
'Fair point,' I reply as Gerard reads my mind and makes me a mug.
'Thanks,' I say, taking it, 'uurrmm..Gee? Can I ..uh...ask you something?'
'Yeah, of course you can Mikey.'
'It's about what happened a few days ago, what you said to me. I just-'
'Mikey, please just leave it, I-I don't wanna talk about it.' He looked intently at his feet and guilt began to seep into me like poison.
'Gerard, please. I just need to ask you what you would think if I, if I said that I think....well, i think I love you too...i-in that way,' I say, staring at the mug of steaming brown liquid in my hands. Gerard stays silent. Shit. He doesn't like me like that anymore does he, I've gone and-
'R-Really?' he asked, quietly. I looked up at his shocked face, his eyes radiating hope, love and doubt.
'Yes,' I whisper, walking towards him. I tuck his unwashed hair behind his ears and cup his face with my hand. Talk about de ja vu. He walks forwards until we're centimetres apart, our faces getting closer and closer until-
Gasp. The sound of footsteps running away from the kitchen, clambering into a bunk. Stifled sobs.
'Shit,' Gerard mutters, running a hand through his jet black hair.
'Frank,' I say. He nods. We both walk out of the kitchen and towards Frank's bunk. My heart is pounding in my chest; what will he say? Will he think we're sick and disgusting? No, he's Frankie, he won't...will he?
Yes. He will. Because you are sick and disgusting.
I am. Gerard's my brother. Oh god, Frank's gonna hate me and never speak to me again and then Gerard will hate me because I made him lose Frank and then I'll have lost them both. Oh god. Panic began to take over as my breathing sped up and my palms got clammy. My stomach felt like it had been tied with rusty chains, bound tight and unbreakable, making me feel as if I was going to be sick. We approached his bunk in complete silence.
'F-Frank?' Gerard whispered.
'Leave m-me a-alone,' Frank stammered through tears.
'Frank, please. Just talk to us,' I pleaded.
'You e-expect me to talk to p-people like you?! You were gonna k-kiss back there. You're b-brothers! It's s-sick. Just go a-away.' I look towards Gerard and I can see the hurt in his eyes, they're heavy and dark, looking at the curtain covering Frank's bunk with disbelief, pain and a hint of hate in his greeny-hazel eyes. I take his hand, causing him to jump but just look down as I lead him to the back of the bus, sit him down and wait for him to burst into tears.
Tears that never come.
He just sits there, staring straight ahead, his eyes glazed over and icy.
'Gerard?' I ask, 'are you okay?'
'I'm fine Mikey.'
'Gerard, I know you're not.'
'Well what does it matter, hhmm?!' he questions, raising his voice slightly, 'what do I matter? Oh, I don't. I never did and I never will. I'm just a pathetic, unloved, unwanted freak. I should just give up.' His words take a second to sink in. You can hear the venom in his voice. Venom that's directed towards himself, his beautiful self.
'Gerard, don't ever think that. You do matter. You matter to me, to Ray. You matter to Frank, he's just confused, not to mention you matter to your millions of adoring fans. You're not a freak, you're not unloved or unwanted. Face it, Gerard Way, you matter.' I finished speaking and look up at him. He's staring at me, tears welling in his eyes.
'M-Mikey?' he says, quietly.
'Yeah Gee?'
'Kiss me.' It's not a question, it's a demand. Just those two words are enough to make my palms sweat and butterflies writhe in my stomach. I lean closer to him and he reaches up slowly and puts a hand on my face. I lean forward and our lips touch. It's not passionate or sexy, it's caring and sweet, our lips moving perfectly against each other, my hands on his waist. We sit there in each others arms, moving our lips in time for a while before he pulls away for breath. I look into his eyes, full of passion and love.
'Gerard, I-' he cuts me off by placing a delicate finger to my lips.
'Mikey. Shut up,' he says, making me chuckle lightly. He leans back in and our lips touch again, sending electricity flowing through my veins until-
'Holy shitfucking mother of christ!' I pull away from Gerard and look up to see a slightly angry, sad but mainly just utterly confused, Ray.