One Dad's Failed Sex Talk With His Sons

My boys are 7 and 9. So naturally, they're starting to get to that age. That age of curiosity. That age all parents dread. That age where it's time to talk about sex.

Since they're both boys, I'm guessing this talk is going to fall in my lap. Curse you, XY chromosomes! They've actually started asking a lot of questions lately (the boys, not the chromosomes) about "being in mommy's belly," so the clock is definitely ticking.

How is the whole conversation going to play out? I'm hoping, like a Band-Aid, it'll be quick and painless with no questions or interruptions at all. How do I think it's really going to go? Probably something like this.

"Boys, it's time we had a serious talk about something."

"I didn't do it! It was Ryan's fault," says my older son Jason.

"No, no. This isn't about ... wait, what did he do now?!? No, no. I can't get sidetracked. I need to talk to both of you about the birds and the bees."

"I don't like bees. They're mean. They sting!" says Ryan.

"It's just an expression. I really want to explain to you where babies come from and how babies are made."

"I heard in school that mommies poop the babies out," says Jason.

"WHAT? Who told you that?"

"I heard some kids talking at recess today," admits Jason.

"Mommy already told us. We came out of her belly," adds Ryan.

"Yes, that's true. The belly part, I mean! But do you know how you got inside mommy's belly in the first place?"

"She ate us?" asks Ryan.

"Um, no. You started off as a really, really, really tiny part of mommy and daddy. Mommy has an egg and daddy has what's called a sperm. When they get together, they combine and grow up into you. So you're made up of parts from half of me and half of mommy."

"Mommy lays eggs? Like a chicken!" laughs Ryan.

"Yes she lays eggs, but they're super duper tiny and they stay inside her body."

"So mommy eats your sperm and it mixes with the egg to make a baby!" says Ryan.

"Uhh. That's not really what happens. At least ... no, that's not how it gets in there. You see when a mommy and daddy love each other very very much, they do a special kind of hugging."

"Is it like when you hug grandma and grandpa?" asks Ryan.

"Definitely not!"

"I know. It's when you and mommy are under the covers in your bed," remarks Jason.

"Yes, that's right. The mommy and daddy who love each other very very much start hugging and kissing each other. And then the daddy puts his ... hoo boy ... you see the mommy lets the daddy take his ... well, they both don't have any clothes on and ..."

"They're naked?!?" asks Ryan shocked. "Why are they naked?"

"Because that's how you make a baby."

"If you're naked, you make a baby? So you take your clothes off and kiss someone, and that's how you get a baby in their belly," exclaims Ryan.

"No, no. I didn't finish. You see, they're naked so that their private parts are showing. And then the daddy puts his ... well, he puts his penis in mommy's vagina and they do more hugging."

"............."

"Boys? You okay? You understand what I just said?"

"............."

At this point, sweat starts pouring down the back of my neck. My heart's racing a mile a minute. I stare into their horrified little faces. And then Ryan bursts out crying and runs out of the room screaming, "Mommy! Daddy said he put his penis in your bagina!"

I stare at Jason, who blinks and merely says, "Can I go play the Wii now?"