Based in beautiful Oakland, CAlifornia

Nov 10 Good Riddance, America

Hello. It’s me. It's your president. First, let me start by saying how tremendously glad I am to be your commander in chief. It means a lot. I really, really, really appreciate it. I appreciate it almost as much as I’d appreciate a card from my grandmother on my birthday. It truly was a nice gesture. So many of you said I couldn’t win, but I’m here for good and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Secondly, let me take the opportunity to say: Goodbye you blacks. Goodbye you Muslims. Goodbye Jews. Goodbye Somalis. Goodbye you disgusting Greeks with your overcooked, under-sauced food. Goodbye lazy Mexicans, enjoy climbing my ten foot wall with your nine foot ladder. Goodbye women, with their ways and their shopping. Goodbye you fags, with...whatever it is you do. Because, obviously, a very strong, very tough, tremendously masculine man such as myself couldn’t possibly care what makes you tick. Good riddance you spicks, you lazy sacks of trash. Goodbye to the Millennials, Generation X, and Generation Y, I won’t miss you degenerate twats a bit. Goodbye Koreans who sell their overpriced tomatoes on 57th and Park. Goodbye you micks. Goodbye you meager Indians, stealing the money I’ve made from your misfortunes. What’s mine is mine shitheads. Goodbye democracy. Goodbye equal rights. Goodbye diversity, for diversity is the root of all true evil. Was Adam white? Was Eve?

Lastly: Hello you beautiful white people. Hello you Wall Street Industrialists, you titans of all industry. Hello rich white widows and widowers. Hello rich bankers, with your causal cocaine addictions and squash memberships. Hello you glorious people willing to give me your hard earned cash thinking I have an intention of making a difference. The world needs suckers too, ya know. Hello malicious intents. Hello idocracy. Hello segregation. Hello persecution. Hello oppression. Hello sweet, sweet white supremacy; you've been lurking for far too long and I can't tell you how happy I am to let you out of your cage.

Let me make something perfectly clear to your America: I am not here for you. This is about me. Make America Great Again? More like: Make TRUMP great again. I am going to tremendously like taking everything you have and either profit from it or destroy it. You think now because I'm president I won't make a buck? You think because I'm president I'll tone down my racist rhetoric? You think because I'm president I'll start to give two fucks about anybody but myself? If so, America, you're off you're rocker.

I suppose I should be concerned I’ve said such harsh words in such a public forum—after all, you are America—but the last year has pretty much proved I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want. I am the cockroach that will never die, constantly scurrying away just before the shoe drops.

And, finally, thanks for proving to me that you don’t take anything particularly seriously. And it’s because of your wonderful apathy that I’m your President-elect, and there are few things more stunning than that.

Fighter of the establishment. Truth teller. Chaos creator. Informant! Follow me on Twitter at the aptly named profile: @PecorinoAndEggs. Obviously, these are completely works of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of my twisted imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is (sometimes) purely coincidental.