Police

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

DANVILLE, VA—Recalling the provocation that came midway through a routine traffic stop, Danville police officer Dylan Hayden told reporters Thursday that driver Donald Watkins’ decision to frustratedly point his finger at him was just the green light he needed.

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

CHICAGO—In an effort to expand its congested facilities to better meet the department’s staffing needs, the Chicago Police Department announced Tuesday the construction of a new addition to its headquarters that will allow it to accommodate officers who have been placed on desk duty due to allegations of misconduct.

PHILADELPHIA—Bracing himself as he monitored an ongoing interrogation from behind a two-way mirror, Detective James Harpin of the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit nervously crossed his arms as Julian Calandra, the suspect in a recent string of disappearances, slowly swiveled his chair in his direction and began addressing him directly.

‘Nothing To Worry About,’ Officials Say

PORTAGE, IN—Saying it barely counted as an abduction at all, officials from the Portage Police Department assured residents that a reported kidnapping Tuesday morning was just one of those custody-related ones.

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Following several high-profile civilian deaths at the hands of police officers, many Americans have called for the mandatory use of body cameras by law enforcement as a means of curbing the excessive use of force and providing clear accounts of officer...

SYCAMORE, TX—Utilizing state-of-the-art imaging tools in an effort to spark renewed interest in the eight-month-old case, officials from the Sycamore Police Department released a haircut-progressed photo Wednesday showing how local woman Kelly Mance...

CLEVELAND—Reasoning that he has earned some much-needed rest and relaxation, overworked Cuyahoga County prosecutor Brian Gorman told reporters Thursday that he is thinking of taking on a police brutality case as a nice little vacation.

NEW YORK—Saying that the maneuver was 100 percent effective if administered correctly, police captain Matthew Carlson demonstrated the proper technique for subduing a grand jury to a group of younger officers Thursday.

VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and rescue operations for Kyle Higgins, a 27-year-old hiker who has been missing for two day...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the public’s faith in law enforcement, President Obama made an impassioned appeal this week, calling for the installation of turret-mounted video cameras on all police tanks.

WASHINGTON—Following a legal precedent established over the course of decades, the St. Louis County grand jury decision Monday to not indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of an unarmed teen reportedly reaffirmed the right of police to ...

FERGUSON, MO—Ahead of a grand jury’s decision over whether to indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, police in the city of Ferguson have reportedly heavily increased their presence this week...

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

SAN DIEGO—After stopping to question a visibly inebriated man who was seen stumbling on the sidewalk outside a local bar, police officers confirmed they were satisfied Saturday night once the individual assured them there was no problem.

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.

FORT WAYNE, IN—Explaining that his sole concern is serving and protecting his community, Fort Wayne police officer Vincent Turner told reporters Wednesday that he does not see any difference between black and light-skinned black suspects.

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that the new procedure is far more efficient and has completely streamlined the investigative process, representatives from the Jacksonville Police Department confirmed Wednesday they have been able to sharply reduce costs by...

HOUSTON—In an effort to enhance the agency’s capabilities while reducing the burden on its existing force, sources confirmed Friday that the Houston Police Department has developed a new line of law enforcement robots capable of wielding the e...

NEW YORK—Determined to reduce their devastating impact on the local community, the NYPD announced a new amnesty program Wednesday permitting New Yorkers to dispose of their DVDs anonymously and without consequence.

RALEIGH, NC—Calling it his lifelong dream, local man Brendan Lockhart, an insecure and perpetually frustrated bully who believes he has something to prove to the world, told reporters Thursday that he is seriously considering a career in law enforce...

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

NEW YORK—Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the stree...

ANAHEIM, CA—As protests over a pair of fatal weekend shootings by Anaheim Police entered their fifth day, law enforcement officials continued Thursday to ignore calls for a stricter departmental gun-use policy, claiming such rules would prevent offi...

SARATOGA, NY—Less than 24 hours after being promoted to staff sergeant within the corruption-plagued Saratoga Police Department, decorated canine unit dog Chips was implicated by fellow officers Friday in a long series of felony misconduct charges, ...

SANFORD, FL—Amidst the controversy surrounding the recent shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, the Sanford Police Department cautioned Florida residents Tuesday against taking the law into their own hands, except when following the state st...

LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless.

Beginning this week, the City of Detroit will shut the doors of its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Here are other ways the cash-strapped city is saving money:
Replacing the east side’s 11 functional streetlights with co...

MERIWETHER, MTCounty coroner James Hextall announced Monday that a thorough autopsy of C. W. Milodragovitch, a local tavern owner pulled from an automobile accident last Saturday night, revealed that the man had been alive at the start of the autopsy.

NEW YORK—Officers from the New York City Police Department evacuated the Union Square subway station and suspended all train service Monday after a random search of a passenger's backpack revealed an explosive bestseller.

AMARILLO, TXIn spite of the George Jones cover band and the Porterhouse steak dinner, the Lifeloc FC-10 Portable Breath Alcohol Tester was the hit of the Amarillo 12th Precinct Police Jamboree Monday night. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's my turngimme that or I'll shoot ya," said a besotted Sgt. Bill Dugan as he pawed at the breathalyzer in Officer Jack Ermi's mouth. "I just did five Cuervo shots, and I wanna see if I can get my blood number thingy up to .300." Attendees at the Jamboree said passing around the breath tester was nearly as fun as the impromptu pepper-spray fight at last fall's Coptoberfest.

SEYMOUR, INLocal authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial roughhouse, alleging that it has caused countless scrapes, bumps, and bruises since it opened in 1986.

MANCHESTER, NHMore than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.

CLARKSBURG, WVAccording to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ— Despite his best efforts, Paul Bernardin, 38, has been unable to
get the Scottsdale Police Department to care about his theory regarding the unsolved 1978
murder of actor Bob Crane in Scottsdale. "[Bernardin] keeps coming in here saying he
knows who killed Col. Hogan," police chief Walter Dunfey said Monday. "Then he
usually goes off on how the electrical cord Crane was strangled with doesn't match the
ones in the other rooms of the hotel he was in. What am I supposed to do with that
information?" Bernardin, Dunfey said, is also convinced that the police possess
Crane's infamous stash of self-produced amateur pornography.

LAKELAND, FL—Mel King, the night security guard at 2300 Office Park Drive, can't afford to let his guard down for even six hours, the 47-year-old said Tuesday. "In a job like this, you have to be on full alert every once in a great while," King said. "Lose your focus for three or four hundred minutes, and the place could be robbed blind." King said he makes sure never to drift from his post more than twice per shift or stray from his ritual 3 a.m. viewing of back-to-back episodes of Riptide.

DETROIT–In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to retire. "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner, who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber. "They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force." Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married. Or his son if it was a boy."

CHICAGO–A pair of Chicago police officers earned accolades Monday, when they used the perfect amount of force to subdue 22-year-old robbery suspect Reggie Clifton. "Officers [Brendan] Ford and [Matt] Molloy did a terrific job, putting the suspect in a restraining headlock that was strong enough to immobilize him, yet not so strong as to accidentally cause his neck to snap," police chief Frank DeLuca said. "It should also be noted that these two exemplary officers did not open fire on the suspect when he put his hands in the air, mistakenly thinking he was reaching for a gun somewhere above his head."

BOSTON–According to attendees, Saturday's wake for police officer Joseph "Joe" O'Malley was a total blur. "I think someone said something about remembering all the good times with Joe," said friend Patrick Monaghan, attempting to piece together details of the event Sunday. "Exactly which good times we remembered are lost to me now." Seamus McNamara agreed, saying, "I mainly recall making a lot of toasts and downing pint after pint of Guinness. Good ol' Joe."

CHICAGO– Phil Kelly, a naïve detective with Chicago's 15th Precinct, suspected fair play Monday in the shooting death of local businessman Arnold Haver. "The shocked expression on the victim's face leads me to believe that he received some tragic news and subsequently committed suicide," Kelly said. "The fact that the bullet hole entered through his back shows just how determined he was to kill himself." Kelly also cited the misspelling of Haver's name in the suicide note and the fact that the left-handed victim was found with the gun in his right hand as evidence of the incredible stress he was under before taking his own life.

NEW ORLEANS–Private investigator Max McShane encountered a familiar sight Monday, entering his Bourbon Street office to find his file cabinets overturned, his spare necktie slung across a blade of a still-rotating ceiling fan, and his black, rotary-dial phone buzzing off the hook. "I just cleaned up this place from the last ransacking," McShane said. "Someone obviously wants me off the King murder case. Unless last Friday's ransacking was to scare me off the King case. Then this is probably about the Adams diamond theft."

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Repeatedly referring to himself as “on fire” and “in the zone” on that particular day, local office worker Kenneth Michelson was reportedly still talking this week about an incredibly productive afternoon he had nearly four months ago.

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on law enforcement practices across the country, a Department of Justice study released Friday revealed that more than three-fourths of minority suspects in police custody receive their Miranda rights while unconscious. “In 79 percent of arrests involving blacks or Latinos, suspects were administered their rights while prostrate on the concrete, collapsed against a police car, or blacking out in the midst of a chokehold,” stated the report, which examined 2,000 arrests made last year where minority suspects remained either conscious, unconscious, or slowly drifting in and out of consciousness. “The data also confirmed that among non-white arrests last year, most police officers made an effort to determine if the suspect had a pulse before reading from their warning card.” The report further concluded that 98 percent of African-American suspects had their Miranda rights administered in between blows of a police baton.