17 May 2012

Ghana

So! Ghana. Final answer.

Truth is, I spent a lot of yesterday crying off and on (I don't think I have a hormonal reason to be so emotional, but I'm not really back in the swing of things cyclically-speaking anyway). But I was just completely fed up with the waiting.

I know, I know, you adoptive mamas are probably shaking your heads. And I'm sure the in-process waiting will be super-hard as well, and I'm also sure I will be struggling not to complain the whole time then, too. But there's something worse about not knowing what we're gonna do that makes the waiting so much harder. If I'm going to work to bring home a child, I want to be bonding already: planning, preparing, pondering, all that great stuff you get to do as you're expecting.

But when you're weighing different countries (and, indeed, different continents), it's very hard to do any sort of bonding. Your child could be tan, brown, or coal black. You could be in his/her country for one week twice, or six weeks, or three months. The process could take 6 months or 18 months.

I know some of it is a control issue, and I'm sure the Lord is not done with that (dun dun DUN), but some of it is simply not even knowing what to have faith for. Not knowing what to have hope about. So I've really struggled with hopelessness about the situation - somehow believing God will never tell us. I don't know why that's such a common lie that comes up in my life, but I'd like to be rid of it, thanks!

So I asked Stephen yesterday if we should just take a month of from trying to find a country, like hit a reset button or something. And he said we should just go with Ghana, since it's the only program and country we both feel peaceful about.

2 comments:

How exciting. I was just looking into Ghana last week so I'm even more excited to read about your journey now...and no, we aren't going to start an adoption process mid-pregnancy but we were emotionally started before this pregnancy (its a long story, but feel free to ask if you want to know :-) and I just can't turn it off.

Michelle, I just love you. I'm glad that you have finally decided on a country, to give your hope some "traction" so to speak. I'm taking a few minutes now to ask Jesus to heal that lie, though, because lies are so stinky and not-fun! How like our enemy to re-use the Eden lie: that God is not trustworthy/He is holding out on us.