Shorts / And The Band Played On (Featuring Weird Al Yankovic)

Script

And The Band Played On (Featuring Weird Al Yankovic)

By Patrick Cassels

EXT. LUXURY LINER (DECK) -- 1912 -- NIGHT
We're sinking. A moderate crowd of high society PASSENGERS
shuffle concerned around deck. Most have life vests strapped
over their tux's and gowns.
The CAPTAIN approaches the ship's 3-piece band: a VIOLIN, a
CELLO, and on accordion, the LEADER (Yankovic).
CAPTAIN
Men, we have not more than an hour
above water! I suggest you find
yourselves seats on a lifeboat.
LEADER
Your concern is appreciated,
Captain. But we have decided to
play on until... the end. Perhaps
our music will provide some peace
in these passengers' final hours.
CAPTAIN
Remarkable. Play on, then.
The Captain closes his eyes to take the music in. The band
launches into a cruelly uptempo polka-ish tune:
LEADER
(singing)
No hope is left of being saved/The
icy sea will be your grave/Pain and
death await us all./Hey, I wonder
what it's like to drown?
The passengers, already nervous, freak the f**k out at this
song. They shove each other over, dart left and right, etc.
CAPTAIN
(frozen, appalled smile)
Okay. Hey, perhaps you men should
find a lifeboat after all.
LEADER
No, we've accepted our fate.
Perhaps our music will provide...
CAPTAIN
(scraping up enthusiasm)
--some peace, yeah. I got it. Could
you provide some peace with
something a little less, dark?
LEADER
Ah! A happy tune! Like that new
jazzamatazz that's been sweeping
the American South.
CAPTAIN
Yes, exactly. Jazzama-? Is that a
thing? Whatever, that'd be fine.
The band launches into a happy melody. They sing:
LEADER
How many lifeboats are left now?
BAND
None!
LEADER
Said how many lifeboats are left
now?
BAND
None at all!
LEADER
Well maybe there's one left, maybe
one more/And if you strangle
through the others, this lifeboat
could be yours!
The passengers go feral, screaming and punching each other,
losing all humanity as they desperately look for the
lifeboat. A COWARDLY GENTLEMAN throws a KID overboard.
The band finishes. Leader nods to the Captain.
CAPTAIN
Stop nodding! Why are you nodding?
LEADER
What's wrong?
CAPTAIN
What is with those lyrics, man?
LEADER
Hey, "No More Lifeboats!" is one of
our biggest hits.
CAPTAIN
You had these already written?!
LEADER
Of course. We wrote it around the
same time we wrote, let's see,
"Survival is a Statistical
Impossibility," um...
VIOLIN
Oh and "Deep Sea Crabs Will Eat
Your Face"!
CELLO
(loud; in Capt's face)
I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT YOU
FOR THAT LIFE JACKET!
The Captain jumps, defensive.
CELLO (CONT'D)
(suddenly calm again)
...is another favorite.
CAPTAIN
The passengers are terrified!
LEADER
As they should be, after all...
(singing)
Their lungs will soon be
filled/With briny water and, like,
probably some fecal matter from
terrified swimmers...
Another stab of chaos among the passengers. The Cowardly
Passenger grabs ANOTHER KID (not even in his way, really)
and throws her overboard.
CAPTAIN
Let me guess, that's one of your
biggest hits, too.
LEADER
No, we were just sort of riffing
there.
(beat; to band)
Let's try it again louder.
CAPTAIN
Gentlemen!! This ship is going
down. The passengers need a song
that fills them with courage, not
morbid tunes about lobsters eating
our bodies--
VIOLIN
It was crabs, actually. And they
were just eating the face area:
ears, nose, eyeballs...
LEADER
(genuine)
The Captain's right. Let's play a
tune that will fill this entire
deck with the same strength and
resolve he has shown...
The band strikes up a confident, marching tune.
LEADER
(beat; then, singing)
Fear not the sea, but think
instead/Of our brave Captain, who
welcomes death/When that iceberg
first appeared/He did not turn, he
did not steer...
(almost talking now)
A lot of people warned him about
taking a ship out without enough
lifeboats but he would not be
scared away. So brave!
As the band continues, the passengers frown at a mortified
Captain. END.