Naomi

I have nothing to write about apart from studying and recovering from my toe injury. This is what my life has become. Sorry, Mum; sorry, Dad; and sorry, baby Jesus—I have now become the worst thing in the world: boring. And I cannot see an end in sight. Please just let me wallow in my room in my Smiths shirt I haven’t removed in a week, my default position being crouched over history folders. I feel I will be in this position for all eternity, like that Inca mummy girl.

I suppose it’s my own fault for attempting this thing called life. Can life give me a break so I can just watch Morrissey and Marr dancing together on repeat? For eternity. Waiting for my toenail to fall off.

You didn’t just read that! No, here are the things that I’d much rather be doing right now:

Dancing with Morrissey and Marr.

For a while on Sunday I told Mum I’d rather be a ginger biscuit, but she said she would crush me to make the base of a cheesecake, so I figure that wouldn’t work out.

Having a week suspended in time where I can figure out what turning 18 next week really means (my mind says it has to MEAN something—not just that I was born 18 years ago; that would be too simple).

Buying a plane ticket to New York and just GOING! On my own. With on bag. Without a toothbrush.

Generally doing whatever, without being stopped by fear.

Being in a place where physical pain and anxiety symptoms don’t exist (dancing with Morrissey and Marr).

Being on a British beach that is miraculously neither windy nor chilly.

Being anywhere not windy or chilly.

Being on a farm. Oh wait, my best friend lives on a farm now, see ya!

Fast-forward to birthday: having a nice birthday. Rewind to January: starting to work harder earlier. Fast-forward to the end of May: no more exams.

It’s the worst when your reality is dragging and it leaks into your imagination and then even your daydreams don’t seem that exciting. I mean, a ginger biscuit? Is this the best I can come up with? But at least ginger biscuits don’t have to take exams. Or turn 18. Oh wait, shit, this biscuit is from 1852! That means it turned I-got-a-C-in-maths years old! It should meet up with the Inca chick. ♦

34 Comments

Ruby, I’m in my first year of high school now and it’s not all drugs, guns, and gangs. Yes, there are those people risking their lives (not to mention other people’s lives) with all three of those things, but there are positives too! You will meet amazing people that you will be friends with and be able to trust. You will have those awesome teachers that you will see even when their not teaching you. Lastly, you will learn more about yourself which is really important for life. Oh, and just to let you know, college can be a fresh start too, so there is still more to look forward to! I hope this helps :)

agreed! make sure you have fun and learn as much as you can. High school can be a freaky place sometimes, but nonetheless it’s ‘the’ place to learn more about yourself. You’ll meet lots of people from different backgrounds and teachers that are simply inspiring. I do wish you all the best time in high school :)

Naomi- Come to New York. It’s really fun and the people are moderately nice:)
And Ruby- I go to a public high school and the truth is, many public schools are very good. My school is in a rough neighborhood but we were ranked in the top 100 schools in America. Some of the greatest teachers I’ve ever met are in the public school system. There are tons of dedicated teachers who teach in public schools. Again, I go to a public school and we have a zero tolerance policy for bullying. We are all like a family and we band together to help one another. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always gone to a public school but I hate it when there are so many assumptions about public schools. My brother attends an elite private school and for absolutely no tuition, I’m learning exactly what he is. See me point?

I know exactly how you feel Ruby- and don’t stress about high school! I started public high school this year and I had previously been at private schools my whole life. Truth is, public school does have drugs and mean people and bad teachers, but there are also really nice people and great teachers. It’s pretty much like any other high school! And, from what i’ve learned in my (brief) time in High school, anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger: things may go badly, but you can use them to develop as a person! This is what happened to me when I decided halfway through a year at boarding school that I didn’t fit in; being surrounded by what you are not helps you to define what you are. Hope this helps!

P.S. I really have to try that Dark Side Of The Rainbow thing, that’s literally one of the coolest things I’ve heard Hahaha

Katherine,
You are NOT a desperate loser. You are an obviously intelligent, charming young woman. Also, it sounds like that girl is inconsiderate and rude to everyone, not just to you. Don’t take it to heart, people who act like that really aren’t worth hanging around with if they’re going to treat you that way. Please keep your chin up, I’m rooting for you ♥ ♥ ♥
TP xx

So awesome.I love them all. Ruby- I’ll be starting high school in a little while, too. I’ve been homeschooled for my whole middle school…..career….? Midddle school….time. Whatever. I have my own preconception of high school too. But I’m sure it’ll be fun. An experience. Don’t worry :D

dylan, i feel ya girl! i’m a junior in high school and starting to think about colleges, and it’s really weird and confusing to try and reconcile my feelings of wanting to go somewhere really new and exciting and be independent versus the scariness of how i’ll be starting a whole new chapter in my life and not living with my family!

and ruby, don’t worry! you’ll find your niche. you’re way cooler than i was at 14 and somehow i have friends? haha. :)

Katherine- in times like that, I take a firm standpoint. I AM LOVELY AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS A STINKY OLD DOG FOR NOT NOTICING.

its clear that you are being way too hard on yourself. I notice it because I put myself under the same unnecessary pressure all the time. And its EXHAUSTING.

But you are graduating soon, yes? So you have another chance to break the cycle. The lonely-on-your-owney cycle. (which is a term used by psychologists the world over. I’m sure?) And my guess is that you definitely-probably will. :)

Katherine I’m pretty much 99.999% sure you and I are brain-mates. It’s almost unavoidable, you must have plagiarized from my diary or something (except trade horses for cats… horses are beautiful but they’re also dangerous so they frighten me a bit). ANYWAYS.

I don’t go to Mills and don’t know much about it, except that it’s a really good school! Take a visit to Oakland if possible (and any other schools you are deciding about) because that helps SO much. Gotta feel the vibes of each town and campus and the decision gets so much easier!

I DON’T LIKE DOGS EITHER!! Everyone has a dog, possibly multiple of them, and when you go over their house you’re expected to play with them and think they’re so cute and everything. Not me. I can’t stand them. They jump on you and smell and are obnoxious. I feel like a jerk just saying that, but it’s true.

I made the choice to attend post-secondary in another province (I’m Canadian, y’all). And I’m just finishing up my second year of university.

I initially wanted to leave home because I knew I wouldn’t do it for any other reason, and therefore be ‘stuck’ in my hometown. So I thought I’d leave for school, because I knew home would be there waiting for me in four years.

So, the first two years have been rough. Lots and lots of tears, and me wishing that I could teleport my mom and sister here with me, or that I could just be living at home. Your situation is different than mine, but the point I’m trying to get at is don’t sweat it… Home will always be there for you. And it’s a nice thing to miss and be close with your mom! Nothing is permanent, so take the plunge now, even if it means leaving something you love behind…Because though it is behind, you can always- always, back track.

I really know how you feel Dylan. Im in art college away from my family and for the last 2 summers Ive been focussing on getting internships and being productive and making stuff for me and hanging out with cool new friends and it just never happened. My mum and my sister both had mental health problems and there was a bunch of other stuff going on with other family members and it really felt like my family needed me to be around for moral support. It ended up being super draining and not healthy for me in particular and super unproductive – i ended up mostly sleeping and listening to harry potter audiobooks! and made me kinda hate/resent going home after that. Thankfully the resentment has waned, but theres still lots of problems that i feel like they need me around for. I even considered moving back there this term and trying to work from theirs, but that just wouldnt be practical. I’m 23 and am still finding this whole balance super hard and end up feeling guilty about not working or not looking after them. There are always going to be awesome internships out there for us and we are only young etc. but i dunno, i really feel like i’ve missed out on things too. I guess we’re just going to have to go with our gut instincts whilst trying to look out for as many people as possible! (somehow?!?)

Ruby, I was kind of scared of high school too when I was a freshman. Everyone seemed so old- there were guys with facial hair! I feel like it’s a pretty big transition. In middle school, not all of the kids have matured or gone through puberty yet but in high school your thrown with people who can legally drive and stuff! But don’t worry. High school is definitely better than middle school to me because there’s less cliquey girls and stupid drama. :)

Ruby, high school isn’t your last first chance. There will be college, and then…surprise! Real adult life. You will be fine. It seems like high school is put on a pedestal by younger people, but the truth is it really isn’t a big deal. It’s kind of lame, actually. So no worries!

All dogs don’t smell bad! Some have this pheromone-thing on their forehead that emits a scent when they are happy or relaxed. For example my dog, who sometimes smells like some kind of flower, and her daughter, who smells like jasmine tea.

ah so no Bard’s Early College then? High school is great sometimes. But it really sucks when you don’t have anyone to sit with at lunch. Depending on how it works at your school… I used to go to the piano room and be all artsy and really enjoy playing during lunch, and sometimes I go to the library. But yeah, high school is scary at first, but kind of full of exhilarating moments.

Ruby, I’m in the same place as you. I’m going from being home schooled for nearly fifteen years, to being a high school sophomore. I don’t know anyone who goes to my school, I am not academic in the least, I’m horrible with meeting new people, I’m WAY too shy, and I’m freaked the fuck out. It really is nice to know that someone else is going through stuff like this, and that it isn’t the end of the world that I’m questioning this stuff. Thank you so much <3

Ruby that reminds me of when I moved from a public school to a private school…all my friends told me i would turn into a lesbian snob *actual quote* and i wouldn’t fit in cause i didn’t have a horse. fair to say, in basically every situation, these people are wrong.

“I know growing out of the daughter role may come easily to some people…but those people might not be friends with their moms like I am. ”
@Dylan: exactly how I feel. except I’m a junior in high school. my mom is my best friend and number one support system and the only scary thing about college is leaving her and not being a “full-time” daughter.

Overall people are a lot more mature in high school than middle school! I find it’s so much easier to talk to everyone and float rather than be in distinct groups. So yay meeting new people :)
Also, an invaluable resource: http://rookiemag.com/2011/09/higher-learning/
DOESN’T HIGH SCHOOL SOUND FUN?!

Hey Ruby! I just want to let you know that public school is not too terribly awful. My BFF (who wasn’t really my BFF at the time because I just met her) switched from her Catholic school to public school at the start of seventh grade and she did not want anything to do with it. She did not go to any of the school dances or plays or join any of the clubs or after school activities because she was still hung up on her old school and didn’t want anything to do with public school. This made her experience very sucky. Now that we are juniors she is part of the stage crew for our theater and has gone to school events and has gotten over distancing herself from public school. I just wanted to put it out there that public school isn’t too bad if you make the effort to try and like it. Rant over.

(P.S. Yes, sometimes the academics suck and some teachers suck, but I imagine that this happens in private schools too.)

Psst! Hey! Can you keep a secret? This month's theme is TRUST, which is about honesty and its opposite, plus so much more. If you’d like to entrust us with an essay or a photo set, comic, poem, short story, or any other pitch you’ve got, please email it to submission@rookiemag.com. ✪

More to See

Categories

About Rookie

Rookie is a website for teenage girls. With monthly-themed content, we update three times every weekday, and once a day on weekends. Click here to find out where to send stuff you'd like us to see. Learn about the people who write this thing here.