​This morning I had a dream where I was abandoned by an old teacher. A palpable fear seized my belly. I awoke with the cold realization that I would lose all my teachers one day to death, distance, or disconnection. Wanting to explore the edges of this vulnerability without getting sucked into its black hole, I asked what my dear friend Jan Lundy often asks herself. “What is the kindest thing to do here?”

I listened to my favorite guided meditation Invoking Loving Presence in the Face of Difficultyby Tara Brach. When asked, “What are you believing can really go wrong?”, I felt a familiar choking sensation in my throat, a heaviness in my heart, and a churning in my upper belly.

I am afraid of losing Her, the spirit I call Galadriel or Great Mother, an avatar of infinite wisdom and compassion. I defend my meditation, yoga, and writing practice fiercely as if they are basic human needs as vital as food, water, and shelter. My teachers embody Galadriel, the Great Mother’s Spirit. Like a diligent and grateful apprentice, I am trying to learn all I can about the art of love before I lose them. Can I ever lose them?

Towards the end of the guided meditation, I was asked if there was a message from this wise, loving presence, a message of what was important to remember. With tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart, I heard the following words emerge.

I will fill your heart to completion.You can never lose me.Who is this ‘I” referring to ‘you’ and ‘me’?

She is the air I breathe, the space between thoughts, the stillness between waves of experience. She has already filled my heart to completion. Though I am afraid, I know I will never lose Her.