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2000's: Tested poz but was an HIV "denialist", more materialism, reckless sex, more self-destruction, almost DIED twice in 2005 from wasting/weakness

2006: Anti-retrovirals, bloodwork, Ryan White, Medicaid, welfare, food stamps, finding out who I am in my mid 30s, holistic healing (nutrition), wanting a career change and hoping the state can help. In other words I can't go back to toxic Wall Street - It was the people that made me sick, not the work. Everyone was so scared of getting fired that all scruples and decency went flying out the window. I adopted that "fear-driven survival" mindset and I became a Jekyll & Hyde of the worst kind. Trying now to be a better person. If you're the prayerful type, please pray for me. I would appreciate that. I want to be a better person.__________________________

Highs: Reversed AIDS wasting (134 pounds to 160 pounds), no opportunistic infections at CD4 low of 42 (summer 2005), CD4 high of 419 (18%) (spring 2006), currently 338 (19%), energy/fatigue issues are improving and starting to resemble my pre-HIV years more and more each week. Thank God for meds, right? Current meds are Lexiva, Norvir, Epzicom__________________________

Lows: See above __________________________

I post lots because I read quickly (I can read a book in 2 days, sometimes a day) and I type 75 wpm (sometimes more). I'm very loquacious, I love the English language, I love laughter and my mind operates quickly, like quicksilver. I agree with Robert Kincaid (Clint Eastwood's character) when he said in "The Bridges of Madison County" - "I think people are fascinating. I'd love to meet every single person if I could." I apologize if I said aromatherapy can help cure clinical depression. I now see that can be highly offensive to the members here with depression and it's totally not my place to say stuff like that. Everyone here I think knows my old life is shot to h*ll, so I currently have no life (whatta shocker) – but PLEASE try to have genuine compassion for me as I try to build a new one and turn over a new leaf. Please. If I'm too needy for you, press ignore, but do consider that you might (yeah, might) be missing out just a little if you choose to do that (see my Highs, above) ... I'm learning new helpful things every week it seems

I pretty much renounced my friends from my "nightlife" era so loneliness is certainly no stranger to me. I have an ex-boyfriend (“Rick”) that I still have sex with (wrong I know!) and I have these forums (where I can cry & release) and I share many of your fears as a person living with HIV. I also have much to be thankful for as stated in the Thanksgiving thread from last week. Tim/Moffie, Joe/killfoile, I need you both and I’m sorry for past insensitivities on my part. I take to heart the recent words you both have written. I truly need you both. Heck, I need everyone here I think.

Hi Alex - Interesting background. I've always enjoyed your posts and the originality of each. I think there is a lot of room for a non-western approach to our ills. The truth is usually somewhere in between. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for the pony. Nice to meet you. It's gonna take a while for me to bone up on everything going on here. Apart from the Forums is the Reading list, Blogs, Lessons, Carols. No wait, no carols. I still don't know where my inbox is.

Alex thanks for sharing. I apologize to you if my questions in another thread made you feel you had to do so.. I hope that is not the case, but if it is I do apologize.

Aroma therapy does help... why would you ever think otherwise? I like the scent of green aka weed aka ganja! The aroma of a good philly blunt wrapped around some good herb is like heaven on earth.... can you tell I ain't got none?

From the few PMs that we've volleyed, I'm glad to be slowly getting to know you.

Unlike you, I am a slow reader (I like to thoroughly process what I read) so anything beyond one or two paragraphs and me wee brain short circuits. LOL Therefore, I'm sure I miss a lot that goes on here. Your post was very revealing and courageous. Thank you for sharing the things you have. (((HUG)))

You have inspired me to perhaps write up something similar, since my introduction post was lost in the changeover from the old forums.

Hey Alex, even though you thought my name was also Alex and you live in- O.M.G.- BROOKLYN I can see that you have turned the page in your life simply from your seeing what you were doing and seeing where you want to go, or at least as far as you can see at the moment. That's the trick to it. You have to do the homework of thinking through how you got to where you are and see that it isn't where you want to be. (As in Brooklyn.) I think I can say because of the group we have here within the forums, that whatever you hit us with, we will be there for you. Best, Win

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Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems. The last was published in December 2006. He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

I really do think I love you. Not is the normal sense but in the spiritial one. You are a young Brave taking on the world in ways i could not imagine. Things in this life seems to happen for a reason and that reason is unknown to all, but I am glad to know you from this site, to love you from afar, and to wish you the best life can and will offer you. Truly you are a friend made of angle dust and loving hearts. Take care and life strong.

here i am thinking that i will have to face life alone even with an understanding bf, he is neg btw. just when i was about to paint my face blank, not look at another human being, become an invisible man, you come along and force me to look on the bright side. i guess i will continue to make mistakes in life, and friends, at least some, have their own problems and do not want to waste time on my problems. my fault, i thought being human was helping others when in need. that is only true for a few. i guess i am needed too, but i am trying to be less needy and more and greater than what i could ever imagine. well, today is the first day for the rest of our lifes. I hope that all you first days will always be great days even when they are not. Peace, Love and Soul to you all.

you're a great guy and you certainly have nothing to apologize for or feel guilty about. Aromotherapy. Candles. Numerology. Some of us have matras. Others focus on nutrition and exercise. Most of us do the MEDS.

I guess you can just say it's an "AIDS THING"

I can say you've got it all. Oh Lucky Man!

robert

ps...why don't you vote for the AMG gathering next fall? You don't have to go to vote. And why do you think you won't be there? You never know.

AL, I appreciate your honesty! There are very few of us, especially we older ones, who have not made some of the same "mistakes" in our lives, yet so few are willing to "pony up." Keep your honesty, and above all, stay honest with yourself. I am old enough to have been a "hippie" on college campuses in the 1960s, remember the early news of "gay cancer," have lost many friends and acquaintances, and based on my lifestyle in the 1970s and 1980s should have died long ago. I have found that being honest with yourself and developing a strong determination to be happy and to help others will carry you through. Know you will be in my daily thoughts, meditations and prayers! Never give up the fight.Harvey

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I didn't know what "Time to pony up" meant until i opened up your post...but now I do, so that's something else I've learnt from you... .

Thanks for sharing that with us..I thougth you were a good and decent young man before you "Pony'd (is there such a word) up"..and guess what? nothing has changed you are still a good and decent young man..and I know that the compassion you will get from your supporters here will be nothing but genuine, so I don't think you have anything to worry about on that score.

I'm another one who has always enjoyed your style of posting. I've often meant to speak with you about what you know about holistic therapies and aromatherapy and the like, especially nutrition. We must chat sometime.

Thanks for your pms today and feel free to pm me anytime!

YEIA KAI HARA! (Health and happiness)

Melia

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Alex, you know you are well liked and loved around don't you ? if you don't , say so, we will all show you

Now you mentioned depression : to which you added clinical ; now aromatherapy can be a helpful tool when it is just depression due to finding one is poz, or one BF has left ............. but clinical , well, that is another ball game. But you should not let that bothered you too much, you have the right to make mistakes like everyone else !!!

What brought on this thread is what i am worried about Turning over a new leaf did you said, now well , over here the leaves are falling , the new ones are on their way, MOTHER NATURE is taking care of it. AND TOMORROW THE SUN WILL SHINES !!

Alex,What a brave, honest thing to do! You are simply one of the kindest persons I have ever met. You have a heart of gold. Thanks for being such a great Friend! Like Eric said, I'm blessed to know you!

Secondly, your post about aromatherapy made me at east think about looking into it. It could very possibly change a few hours of my everyday.

Hey Paul - Aromatherapy is fine for uplifting a person out of "the blues" etc but anyone (not saying "you" ) with bona fide depression needs to get professional help from a qualified healthcare professional. Let that be crystal clear

February is likely when I'll post a vocational retraining update. Hope it's not McDonald's

Hey Jeff - You mean that sprinkley stuff that looks like salt? I ought to use more sugar. Heaven knows I've been using a lot of salt on this board lately and sending rude PM's too (très uncool - Can I blame HIV? How about HAART? LOL)The speed reading gift was intensified during my 7+ years on Wall Street. I was a report inspector