Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3813

Sports Cars vs. Women
3 good reasons why sports cars are better than women:
1- You can make your sports car perform for you whenever and wherever you want it to.
2- You can make your sports car's BODY look however you want it to.
3- The most important reason -- You can trade your old car in for a NEW ONE when you get tired of it. Rob M.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3810

The Raffle
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy." Markian E.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3815

The Five Levels of DrinkingLEVEL 1: It's 11pm on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.
Just as you get up to leave because you have to work the next day, one of your friends buys another round -- one of your *unemployed* friends. Here, at level one, you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours of sleep, I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: 1am. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"
At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook."). But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger... and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours of sleep... and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: 2am. And the devil is bartending.
For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf!
This time, on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an afterhours bar.
Here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well stay up all night! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool."
LEVEL 5: 5am.
After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is saying, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell by nine."
At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" -- and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 -- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work or worse, jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say, "Who's Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory -- you've beat the night. But if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.
We all say the same prayer and then, "I swear, I will never do this again as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!" Nathan C.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3814

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits. Neil F.

Friday

Joke
N°
3811

Letter From The Penis
Dear Management,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don't get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags
Sincerely,
The Management Drew C.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3816

16 Things That Took Me 50 Years To Learn1- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
7- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
9- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11- You should not confuse your career with your life.
12- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
13- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15- Your friends love you, anyway.
16- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Trent K.

Sunday

Joke
N°
3818

710
A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.
All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."
One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.
(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.) Laura P.