A Guy On Girls: Some Assembly Required

"There's a beast in every man, and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand."

This is not a quote from last night's Girls episode. It's from the Game of Thrones promo that aired before Girls. So why do I bring it up? Mostly I'm just stoked for the new season of Game of Thrones. That show is badass. But also, if you'll overanalyze with me for a second, it's a fitting thought to keep in mind this week as poor little neutered Adam Sackler discusses the merits of Sandra Bullock rom-coms and has boring, normal-people sex while taking lots of instructions.

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Not that guys necessarily dislike a little instruction. Maybe it's because I recently moved and I'm buying new furniture, but I'd like the IKEA version of sex instructions—you know, no words, just cartoon characters with gigantic heads showing me how to get it all done properly. And all of the sexy maneuvers would have Swedish names, so an erotic pickup line would be something like, "Girl, I'm gonna Poäng you in the Knutstorp, and it's going to be Magiker." And halfway into it, we'd realize that a part was missing or the Allen wrench was the wrong size, so we'd just end up stopping and awkwardly eating meatballs with lingonberry jam. (Note to self: work on sexier, less tragic IKEA fantasies.)

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OK, so my point about Adam: You had to know the dude was going to free the beast on his normal new girlfriend—and boy did he. Pretty graphically, in fact. I could have done without that visual. If you're unfamiliar with the concept of the pearl necklace, I recommend taking your query to the Internet. It's more of an Urban Dictionary thing than an Ann Taylor Loft thing. Just FYI.

But if you really want to see some deviant behavior, look no further than Ray. Did anyone else notice that he was wearing Shoshanna's peace sign Snuggie like a robe?! Is that supposed to be ironic, Ray? Flip that thing around and enjoy a fleece sleeved blanket the way the as-seen-on-TV gods intended.

I don't even want to talk about Hannah, who is completely bonkers. Butt splinters and Q-tip stabbings and walking home from the hospital all twitchy and pantsless. Is it time to stage an intervention? Are we bad friends? Do you remember that episode of Hoarders about the woman with 100 dead cats in her refrigerator? Hannah makes her look quirky in a delightful, Zooey Deschanel kind of way.

So Hannah has the Bat-Shit Insanity Lifetime Achievement Award all locked up…but, wait, what's this? It's Marnie doing a soulful rendition of Kanye's "Stronger" at a totally inappropriate time, leaving everyone speechless. Well, except for Charlie, who decides that, even though that type of behavior usually necessitates a CAT scan, some good old-fashioned boning will be a suitable substitute. So maybe it's Charlie who's gone the farthest afloat in Girls' endless sea of crazy.