Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor.

Script

Very Mary-Kate: Sleeping in Class

By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

ESTABLISHING SHOT: We're on PROFESSOR's torso as he
straightens his tie.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
The class settles.
PROFESSOR
Okay, let's get started.
(noticing)
No Mary-Kate. Well, that's one
good thing ever.
From outside the class, we hear:
MARY-KATE (O.S.)
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming-
MARY-KATE enters.
MARY-KATE (CONT.)
I'm coming, I'm coming-
She sits.
MARY-KATE (CONT.)
I'm here.
PROFESSOR
Oh good. Hope felt strange.
MARY-KATE
(setting up)
Pencil out. Book open.
(opening a Diet Coke and
sniffing it)
Coke sniffed. Fat professor fat.
Here we go. Learning time.
PROFESSOR
So-
We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep, head
back, snoring.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Mary-Kate.
MARY-KATE
(out of a dream)
But I don't have heals in your
size, drag queen John Goodman.
PROFESSOR
That's a very elaborate dream to
have in no time.
MARY-KATE
(embarrassed)
Sorry. Normally I can't get to
sleep without a noisemaker.
PROFESSOR
Now-
We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep again,
this time with a NOISEMAKER in front of her making LOUD
JUNGLE SOUNDS.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Mary-Kate!
MARY-KATE
Do you not like "jungle?" It has
lots of options:
The noisemaker makes these noises as she announces them.
MARY-KATE (CONT.)
Ocean, brook, rainforest, press
conference, theme song, white
noise...
NOISEMAKER
(man)
Is there a special little something
in this caprese salad?
(woman)
You got me! It's mint.
(laughter)
PROFESSOR
Turn it off.
She does.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Okay, so what party did President
Taft belong to? Anyone?
Mary-Kate is clearly asleep with her eyes open.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Mary-Kate, you are clearly asleep
with your eyes open.
MARY-KATE
(mumbling)
...huminah...
PROFESSOR
That's not a word.
MARY-KATE
...taco-party...
PROFESSOR
Taco party?
MARY-KATE
...I'll-show-you-a-taco-party...
PROFESSOR
Taft was not in the taco party.
MARY-KATE
...YOU-throw-a-taco-party...
PROFESSOR
I'm not throwing a taco party.
MARY-KATE
...I-have-no-ROOM-for-a-taco-party.
PROFESSOR
You have plenty of room for a taco
party!
MARY-KATE
...no-I-don't...
PROFESSOR
YES YOU DO!
MARY-KATE
...no-I-don't-there's-a-dog-everywh
ere...
PROFESSOR
There's a DOG everywhere? There's
no room in your 26-bedroom
apartment for a taco party because
there's a DOG- forget it. I'm not
arguing with your dream.
MARY-KATE
...gracias...
PROFESSOR
Just go to sleep. Go to sleep, and
stop disturbing the class.
Mary-Kate enters his frame, sleepwalking.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
You're sleepwalking now?!
LIMOR
Don't wake her up.
JEREMY
Yeah, it's dangerous.
PROFESSOR
Fine.
(gathering himself)
So William Howard Taft belonged to
the Republican party. He believed
in small government, and thus
angered a lot of his liberal
republican peers, who went on to
form the Progressive party.
As he talks, Mary-Kate draws an elaborate picture of him on
the whiteboard as THE PLANET EARTH EATING SATURN AND MARS.
When he finally sees it, he SNAPS and grabs her by the arm.
PROFESSOR
Mary-Kate!
She screams. He screams. The whole class screams.
MARY-KATE
Oooh. I feel refreshed!
End.