Polling data shows that voters in the states with the most unemployment are leaning toward Obama. States with the lowest unemployment are leaning toward Romney. “These results only seem counter intuitive if you’re one of those who’s bought the GOP line that everyone wants to work,” Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod chortled. “I don’t know anyone who’s happy about getting out of bed and going to work everyday. The notion that this is something a person ought to do is pure propaganda. It might suit the corporate exploiters who hope to get cheap labor, but it doesn’t speak to the...

The massacre of a dozen movie-goers in Colorado has sparked another spate of liberal demands for gun control. University of Colorado Professor Chad Kautzer has launched an online petition aimed at banning “concealed carry laws.” While acknowledging that such a ban might not have stopped James Holmes from shooting 70 people in an Aurora, Colorado movie theater, Kautzer insisted that “the ability to add an illegal possession of a firearm charge to the list of offenses for which he will be prosecuted would have a deterrent effect.” In New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg suggested that police should go on...

A recent New York Times article admitted that it, along with other major “news” outlets, allows the White House to censor what it publishes. The basic protocol is for the media to submit a draft of a proposed piece to the White House for review prior to publication. The White House then edits the piece and returns it. “It can be irksome at times,” Times reporter Jeremy Peters admitted. “But what choice do we have? If we don’t cooperate we’ll be cut off from access. And for what? It’s not as if we aren’t 100% behind the Administration on virtually...

Though it would seem that Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy's opinion that marriage is an institution between one man and one woman is protected by the Constitution's First Amendment, mayors in three cities have vowed to punish this heresy. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he “will do everything in my power to prevent such a vile establishment from setting up shop in my city. Mr. Cathy's values are not Chicago's values.” In addition to Cathy's views on marriage, Emanuel also found the restaurant's policy of closing on Sunday's problematic, calling it “an unacceptable 'holier than thou attitude.' People need to eat...

A recent National Geographic poll showing that Americans think President Obama would do better against an invasion from outer space than rival Mitt Romney has Obama campaign strategists thinking. “When you think about it, isn't protecting the planet from being conquered by space monsters the most important thing that any person could do?” mused Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod. “And can there be any doubt that the President would easily outshine anyone else on such a task? After all, remember, he's the one who killed bin-Laden. On the other hand, there's no evidence that Romney has ever killed anyone.” Axelrod...

Representative Andre Carson (D-IN) suggests that public schools in America be reformed along lines to make them more like Islamic schools. “In terms of effectiveness, the madrassas far exceed anything we’ve seen from the vast majority of this country’s public schools,” Carson argued. “The typical American public school student is an unmotivated drone with a sense of entitlement. Our graduates are too often indistinguishable from ignorant louts.” “In contrast, the madrassa student is taught respect and obedience,” Carson asserted. “Its graduates are highly motivated to fight for change. Many are even willing to give their lives in this fight.” As...

A University of Maryland study funded by the Department of Homeland Security found that “persons reverent about individual liberty are likely to be right-wing terrorists.” “It makes perfect sense when you think about it,” said Secretary Janet Napolitano. “The phrase ‘individual liberty’ doesn’t appear in any of our nation’s founding documents. Its advocates are clearly and suspiciously out of step with America’s basic values.” if you missed any of this week's other semi-news posts you can find them at... http://constitutionclub.org/2012/07/07/semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-26/

Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken) has proposed that members of Congress be given a reasonable amount of time to read bills before they are asked to vote on passing them. This proposal was denounced by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) as “an unnecessary impediment to action.” “I find it appalling that Republicans in this body are repeatedly trying to throw up roadblocks to progress,” Reid complained. “The notion that senators must read bills before they vote to make them into laws is fallacious. We have a staff that reads these bills for us. There is no need for us to...

The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that the official unemployment rate remained above 8% for the 41st straight month. The picture for Black unemployment was even more discouraging bumping up in June to over 14% for all ages and to over 39% for those aged 16-19. The White House cautioned that voters should not place too much reliance on any one monthly report, but should look at the longer term trend. “A narrow focus on jobs misses the bigger picture,” Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers Alan Krueger said in a written statement. “Over the last three years more...

You wouldnâ€™t think PolitiJim would wander back into â€śslutâ€ť territory after the GOP Primary SLUTSS incident, but Iâ€™m a glutton for offending it seems.Â (Just keepinâ€™ it real yoâ€™.)Â As every Saturday Night Live enthusiast will recognize, the aforementioned title is a play on the Chevy Chase and JaneÂ Curtinâ€™s â€śPoint/Counter Pointâ€ť skit.Â After a very erudite discussion on some political views, Chaseâ€™s character would inevitably respond with, â€śJane, you ignorant slut,â€ť allowing a cathartic movement for all conservatives who at that time didnâ€™t have a Rush Limbaugh, much less a Chris Christie.Continued at: Ann, You Ignorant Slut

The Department of Homeland Security has unilaterally revoked an agreement with Arizona and refused to initiate one with Virginia to cooperate in enforcing the country’s immigration laws. “We were never very enthusiastic about these agreements,” Secretary Janet Napolitano admitted. “Communicating the Administration’s nuanced policy to the local governments has always been a problem. At the same time, we felt it was important to convey an impression that we could work together. After all, the President was telling everyone that he had no choice under existing law.” “Now the situation has completely changed,” Napolitano boasted. “The President’s Executive Order has wiped...

Press Secretary Jay Carney sought to get out ahead of the GOP's campaign rhetoric alleging that Obamacare is a huge tax imposed on the middle class. “There's no way this is a tax,” Carney insisted. “The President doesn't call it a tax. The legislation doesn't say it's a tax. Calling it a tax is idiotic. The President has made it quite clear that the $2,000 a person has to pay for refusing to buy health insurance is a punishment for disobedience, not a tax.” The fact that the Supreme Court decision upholding Obamacare was founded on Chief Justice John Roberts'...

Tulsa, Oklahoma City officials destroyed resident Denise Morrison’s “survival garden” because “this abnormal use of her property was causing anxiety in the neighborhood.” Morrison started the garden after she lost her job. The garden consisted of food and medicinal plants. Before embarking on her agricultural venture, Morrison researched City ordinances to ensure she complied. “Lack of compliance was not the issue,” said City Zoning Director, Leroy Fiat. “The fact that there are no official rules against what she did doesn’t matter. No one else in the city does this.” As for her nutritional and medical needs, Fiat advised that “there...

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says a federal court’s overturning of a city firearms ordinance “won’t stop us from carrying out our over all crime strategy.” “The problem from our perspective is that too many people have access to guns,” Emanuel asserted. “We won’t have law and order until everyone except the police is disarmed. The City must have a monopoly on the use of deadly force. Only then will the balance of terror be sufficiently one-sided to ensure peace.” As for the court’s ruling, Emanuel suggested that “the court may take whatever position it likes in the courtroom. But we...

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged President Obama to follow up his unilateral grant of amnesty to illegal aliens with a unilateral increase in the nation’s debt ceiling. “Failing to enact immigration reform isn’t the only thing Congress has failed at,” Pelosi observed. “The Senate has failed to pass a budget since 2009. And while Congress was barely able to scrape together the votes to increase the debt ceiling last year I wouldn’t want to bet we can do it again.” “Enacting legislation when Congress fails to do so is a power reserved to the President under the ‘necessary...

Barack Obama biographer David Maraniss says right-wing political opportunists are misusing his book. The book in question is Barack Obama: The Story. In this book, Maraniss cited dozens of instances in which Obama’s autobiography—Dreams from My Father—presented a false picture of the President’s early life. “First of all, the idea that these people would bother to read my book is a bit of a stunner for me,” Maraniss admitted. “I mean, I’m for Obama all the way. I can’t fathom why anybody on the right would read me.” “Second, they’re being completely unfair to the President,” Maraniss complained. “He wrote...

Darcy Burner, a Democratic candidate for the House of Representatives in the state of Washington, told an audience at the Netroots Nation convention in Providence Rhode Island that women who have had abortions deserve our thanks. “We all know that humans are destroying this planet,” Burner contended. “We need to single out those who are taking action to stave off this destruction. No action is more heroic than that of a woman who sacrifices her own child to help us move closer to the day when humans become extinct.” In order to help the heroes in the audience gain the...

Attorney General Eric Holder rejected contentions that internal Department of Justice memos in which the phrase “Fast and Furious” appears mean that the Mexican gun-running scandal was known to Department of Justice (DOJ) higher-ups at an early date. The phrase, Holder insisted referred to the movie series. “Everyone at the DOJ is a big fan of the ‘Fast and Furious’ movies,” Holder said in a House Judiciary Committee hearing this past week. “The fast cars, the sexy babes, the wonton violence—are hypnotic in their effects on me and my staff. Vin Diesel’s screen presence is just awesome. So, it’s only...

The Obama Administration may be going all-out to prevent states from requiring photo IDs from those voting, but Michelle Obama is fine with imposing a photo ID requirement on those attending her book signings. Those wishing to attend book-signing events featuring the First Lady must buy her book—American Grown: The Story of the White House Kitchen Garden and Gardens Across America—and present a valid photo ID. “There’s no hypocrisy,” Press Secretary Jay Carney maintained. “Comparing voting and visiting with the First Lady is like comparing apples and oranges. Voting is a right that may not be infringed. Meeting the First...

President Obama’s campaign speech defending his healthcare policy on the grounds that “my daughters should have the same economic opportunities as my sons” has puzzled observers. Only two daughters (Malia and Sasha) have been explicitly acknowledged by the President. Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that while “it is obvious that the President and First Lady have only the two daughters currently living with them in the White House, critics shouldn’t be jumping to the conclusion that he misspoke. Statistics show that the average urban Black male fathers 3.2 children out-of-wedlock. Earlier in his life, the President was a member of...

The Democratic presidential primaries in West Virginia, Arkansas, and Kentucky were all won by President Obama. Still, approximately 40% of the votes went for, respectively, an incarcerated felon, a virtual unknown, and “uncommitted.” Similar less than dominant outcomes in a few of the 1968 primaries inspired incumbent President Lyndon Johnson to withdraw from the race. No Obama withdrawal is anticipated. Campaign adviser David Axelrod attributed the showing to “residual racism. To those who are stunned by this—after all these were Democratic primaries—I suggest they take a look at history. The three states we are talking about are all in the...

A new report from the Sanford, Florida Police Department holds George Zimmerman totally responsible for the incident that resulted in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin last February. Evidence that Martin had severely beaten Zimmerman before he was shot was discounted by the report. “The fact is, if Zimmerman had stayed home that day the confrontation would never have occurred,” the report said. “The black eyes, broken nose, and lacerated scalp he suffered would not have happened if he hadn’t ventured out into the streets and exposed himself to risk.” That Zimmerman had taken on this risk willingly by volunteering...

President Obama announced that his thinking has evolved to the point where he now supports the idea that persons of the same sex are entitled to marry one another. “Look, Jesus spent his career in the company of men,” Obama pointed out. “He never married. I think we have a pretty good indication that it was only the prejudice of the religious and secular authorities that prevented him hooking up with one of the Apostles—perhaps the mysterious ‘beloved apostle.’ I say it’s time that prejudice and repression of gays come to an end.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said...

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) confidently predicted that the US Supreme Court will rule that the President’s health care law is Constitutional. “The proof is right there in the Constitution itself where it promises that the government will provide for the people’s rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness,” Pelosi said. “By making sure everyone buys health insurance the law is protecting their lives. By requiring that employers cover birth control costs the law is liberating people from the risks of unwanted pregnancies. And as for pursuit of happiness—isn’t that what those who need birth control are doing?”...

Last weekend’s issuance of an Executive Order giving the President the option of declaring an emergency and taking control over all food, energy, water, transportation and any other materials was described as “routine” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The President has obligations to the American people,” Carney observed. “He would like the cooperation of Congress in his efforts to fulfill these obligations. But as we have seen, there are many in Congress who have labored to obstruct these efforts. The President needs to have latitude to act.” “It would be best for members of Congress to consider this Executive...

Press Secretary Jay Carney advised those critical of the Administration’s decision to make insurers cover birth control devices and drugs to “give it a rest.” “Look, the President is sorry that some consider this action to be insensitive to their personal or religious beliefs,” Carney said. “But they certainly cannot expect him to subjugate his policy aims to these beliefs.” Carney suggested that critics “may want to reexamine the issue. Does the Bible explicitly prohibit birth control, or for that matter, abortion? I don’t recall ever having read that Jesus gave any commandments on these matters. I think His wish...

President Obama begged voters to back his vision of an oil-free future for America. “There will come a day when we will wean ourselves from this fuel of the past,” Obama proclaimed. “Reliance on oil-based fuels has lulled us into lives of gluttony and waste. We have gotten soft because we drive when we should walk. We have gotten lazy because it’s easier to turn up the thermostat than to put on a sweater.” “There are environmentally-friendly ways for us to live,” the president continued. “I see a future when mighty vessels powered by the wind carry goods and people...

Afghan President Hamid Karzai says that “it may be necessary for us to roll back the freedoms and privileges we extended to women if we want to persuade the Taliban to come to terms with us.” Karzai characterized the freedoms granted to women over the last decade as “an experiment that is not working. Allowing women to go out in public uncovered and unaccompanied is a Western imposition that is out of step with our fundamental traditions. We will never have peace if we attempt to persist with such offensive alien ideas. Bringing women back under the discipline of sharia...

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s six-month long investigation into the authenticity of President Obama’s birth certificate recently concluded with a finding of “probable cause” to believe this document is a forgery. Arpaio said that “forensics experts were able to determine that the birth certificate released by the White House was a computer-generated collage, not a genuine copy of an actual document. The President may or may not have been born in Hawaii. The documents he has provided to-date do not serve as proof that he is eligible for the office he now holds.” While declining to address any of Arpaio’s...

Citing what it called a key precedent recently established by a Georgia case, the Obama Administration declined to submit documents subpoenaed by the House Energy and Commerce Committee investigating the loss of over $500 million of taxpayers’ money on the Administration’s Solyndra loan guarantee. “If you will recall,” Press Secretary Jay Carney told Committee Chairman Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich), “the Administration’s refusal to provide documents or even to appear in answer to a subpoena was upheld by Judge Milihi’s decision in the President’s favor.” “It’s a separation of powers issue,” Carney explained. “The president was independently elected by the American...

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner advised taxpayers to “quit complaining, taxes are what you pay for the privilege of being an American.” “You know, there are places in the world where the government can take everything you have,” Geithner observed. “The fact that you get to keep anything here ought to inspire a greater appreciation for your own government’s forbearance.” The Secretary warned those he called the “one-percenters,” that “government is the only thing preventing the other 99% from murdering you and looting your property. The protection we offer ought to be worth whatever it costs. Quibbling over the price...

A US Census Bureau study indicated that an estimated 1.46 million families in the United States are now living on less than $2 per day. This is more than twice as many as the estimated 636,000 families that were living at a like standard in 1996. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius hailed the report as “a tribute to the affirmative steps taken by this Administration to lower the cost of living. Critics have been quick to harp on the negatives of high unemployment, declining wages, and falling home values as if that were the total picture. We’re hoping...

Six pro-life demonstrators were arrested for holding a prayer vigil on the sidewalk outside the White House earlier this week. All were released after paying a ransom of $100 apiece. One of the arrestees, Fr. Denis Wilde, the Associate Director of Priests for Life, pointed out the disparities between how his small protest was handled when compared to the police response to the Occupy Wall Street protest. “Occupy Wall Street protesters have been occupying federal property for months, but when we kneel in prayer, the police are called in and we are arrested,” Father Wilde complained. Spokesman for the Capitol...

The 9th Circuit Federal Appeals Court upheld District Court Judge Vaughn Walker’s overturning of the voter-approved amendment (Proposition 8) banning the state’s recognition of same-sex “marriage.” “Voters have no right to amend their state’s constitution in ways that contradict clearly established federal policies,” the Court wrote in its decision. “To allow such ‘willy-nilly’ revisions on a state-by-state basis would lead to a patchwork of divergent laws across the nation. Things that are permitted in some states might be disallowed in others. Uniformity and equality of rights throughout the 50 states would be sacrificed to a misguided notion of state and...

President Barack Obama tried to console frustrated supporters by placing blame for the slow pace of change on the nation’s “founding fathers.” “You and I know what needs to be done to bring social justice to every American,” the President observed. “But our enemies in Congress and the states are exploiting loopholes left in the Constitution by our nation’s early leaders. The requirement that laws must be approved by both houses of Congress enables obstructionists to block the mandate I received from voters in 2008. The autonomy granted the states under the Tenth Amendment insulates them from total compliance with...

Under pressure from leading abortion advocates, the Komen Foundation for the Cure of Breast Cancer reversed an earlier decision to discontinue its annual grant to Planned Parenthood. “It has been pointed out to us that our decision to cease funding Planned Parenthood was based on some miscalculations,” said Komen CEO Nancy Brinker. “First, many of those who have supported our efforts to fight breast cancer are ardent about the work of Planned Parenthood. Our decision to end funding for that organization was taken as an insult and could have longer term negative impacts on our main mission.” “Second, every abortion...

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was sternly rebuked by the US Justice Department for allowing ethnic bias to influence his efforts to crack down on illegal immigrants from Mexico. “Instead of using our preferred methods for randomizing the enforcement presence, Arpaio has consistently focused his attention on persons of obvious Mexican heritage,” Assistant US Attorney General Thomas Perez charged. “His methods are completely ineffective against illegal entry by persons from Europe or Asia—leaving both Arizona and the nation vulnerable to incursions from these sources.” Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced that her Department would join with the Department of Justice...

A recently passed Senate Bill—the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA)—grants broad new authority to the Department of Defense (DOD) to arrest and detain civilians who are suspected of being enemies of the state. In any area that the DOD declares to be a “zone of conflict” it would be empowered to apprehend and imprison suspected enemies “for the duration of the conflict.” The Bill explicitly repeals the 1878 Posse Comitatus ban on the use of US troops against civilians within the borders of the United States. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta called the expanded authority “absolutely necessary tools for defeating those...

In his continuing quest to find the “real killers” of America’s prosperity, President Obama is now testing out the idea that laziness lies at the root of the prolonged recession we’re in. “Look, we in government have been going all out trying to get the economy moving,” the president told an audience of campaign supporters. “In the last two years the federal government has spent more than it ever has before. We’ve generously handed out money left and right. We’ve added new guidelines and procedures to virtually every segment of industry in an effort to direct businesses toward a more...

A poll of New York voters conducted by Siena College found that only 36% approve of President Obama’s job performance. This is a decline from last May’s 53% approval rating. A comment from a Manhattan poll respondent cited the president’s “lack of focus.” “He keeps talking about creating jobs,” the respondent complained. “We don’t want wage slavery. We need to get paid. That’s why we elected him. What I want to know is where are our checks?” Despite their disappointment with the President, New York voters still prefer him to any possible Republican contender. The poll shows that even former...

A Rasmussen poll showed that while a majority (55%) disagree with the statement: “members of the Tea Party are economic terrorists,” 29% say that they are. Among this minority, Massachusetts poll respondent John was adamant in his view that “there’s no question about it. They caused the credit downgrade that will make it harder for the government to get the money it needs. Anyone who impedes government getting the funding it needs to adequately control the country is a terrorist.” Debbie, a Florida poll respondent, echoed John’s remarks saying, “Truer words were never spoken. The Tea Party represents a graver...

In a speech before the National Council of La Raza, an organization dedicated to promoting the interests of the Latino “race,” President Obama commiserated with the “pain” of illegal immigrants and shared his frustration with what he called a “do nothing” Congress. Obama said “the idea of bypassing Congress is very tempting. Getting a hundred senators and 400 representatives to take action on anything is like herding cats. Everybody’s got their own notions of where we ought to go. On top of this, many serve constituencies comprised of rednecks and rubes. So even if their hearts are in the right...

Representative Jim Moran (D-Va) insisted that GOP use of former president Thomas Jefferson’s opposition to government borrowing to bolster the case against raising the debt limit is “unfair” and “inappropriate.” “First of all, Jefferson was one of the founders of the Democratic Party,” Moran contended. “If anyone is going to interpret what he stood for that right belongs to members of that same Party. The GOP’s attempt to enlist him for their cause is unfair.” “Second, even if Jefferson may have expressed an aversion to borrowing as a policy position, his behavior was quite the contrary,” Moran continued. “Jefferson loved...

President Obama dismissed the idea that a poll showing 69% of voters opposed to raising the debt ceiling ought to have any impact on policy. “What does the average person know about government finance?” the President wondered. “I’d say practically nothing. An individual’s experience with debt is vastly different from what the government faces. An individual must pay his debts out of his own income. The government has other options.” “For one, the government can tax other people’s income to pay its debts,” Obama continued. “The government can also print money to pay for stuff. Individuals can’t do that.” “Finally,...

Fearful that a failure to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling “could lead to the end of government as we know it,” Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) has proposed legislation that would grant President Barack Obama unilateral authority to increase the nation’s debt load. “In an ideal world decisions on how much the government ought to spend should be made by Congress,” McConnell said. “However, the current crisis requires that we think outside of the ‘Constitutional box.’ With the legislative power split between our two Parties there is no chance for an agreement on how to deal with this crisis. Our...