Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)You’re right, George. You know what was missing when the Queen married Prince Philip? A stoned Frankie Laine doing a cover of Leaning on a Lamppost.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)The next time you visit South America, why not leave the holiday resort to go and find ‘the real country’? Your parents are good for a spot ransom, I assume?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)What better way to spend your 40th birthday this week than finally getting a GP appointment to have your colic seen to?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)Your credit rating has plummeted to such depths that when you try and check it on a website, your office internet filter blocks it due to obscenity.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)Why not question the intelligence of athletes during a conversation in a bid to make yourself appear clever? Just hope the conversation doesn’t drift toward the topics of dedication, commitment or success.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)Perhaps a lack of parental role models in your formative years ingrained a pattern of abandonment fears in your psyche which has manifested itself in adulthood as an inability to hold down a relationship for more than a few weeks. Or maybe you just really like cock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)You’re given a textbook example of the concept of ‘vagueness’ this week when somebody says they’re going to watch Tron, ‘but the good one, not the rubbish one’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)Your first clue that it was spam was when your 65-year-old grandmother apparently posted a link about self-filmed porn with the words ‘OMG’ & ‘LOLZ’ in the comments section. The second being that your grandmother died in 2004.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)Sexual role-playing can keep a relationship fresh, but it may be time for a rethnk when you find yourself resorting to ‘The Architect and the Planning Sub-Committee’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)A transcendent experience on your next business trip as you absently open the Gideons Bible in your hotel room and there’s a slip of paper in it telling you the previous guest has managed to unscramble the porn channel.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)If you’re thinking of using the suffix ‘aholic’ to describe something you quite like – chocaholic for instance – just ask yourself whether you’d nosh off an unwashed lorry driver behind some bins for the price of a Crunchie. Oh you would? Fair enough.