How to write a restaurant review? To begin with, don't begin at the beginning. Never open with an appetizer or amuse bouche. Go straight to dessert and work backwards and you'll end up with a more readable review. Entertain and entice. Seek out context and characters. And better not to talk about the food all that much unless you're pretty sure you know why a dish hit the high notes, or the culinary blunder that meant it failed to come together.
The title of this post might be a cheap excuse for click bait, but this review - of a middling restaurant since closed, incidentally - works nicely for what I think might be the reasons outlined above. Please read and see what you think.