Baby Daddy

Sarah - posted on 06/24/2010
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So... I've been cruising around CoM and I've noticed a lot (LOT) of women/girls talking about their "baby's daddy". I've also noticed it a lot in my community and every other community I've been a part of. I've noticed that it's normal for women/girls to have children with men they are not/have never been/will never be married to. And it seems to me that most baby daddy's don't seem to be doing their jobs as fathers. So, I looked it up and here are the statistics I found on the Fatherless Epidemic in the US. What do you think? Is this normal, is it ok, is it to be expected? Should men step it up, should women be more picky about whom they sleep with??http://www.ucg.org/booklets/FM/fathers.a...

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Not entirely on topic but, I don't like the single mom forums because I enjoy "speaking" to people who can use real words.

There has been a lot of research about the effects of fatherless ness on children. Not just on boys but on girls as well. The research is fairly conclusive that kids do better in intact households where both parents demonstrate responsibility. Unfortunately, we do not live in Utopia.

There is also a lot of research about the reasons that men are stepping out of the responsibility of fathering the children that they have created. Part of it is that society has made it ok for men to step out of their roles. Some of this came with the degradation of "traditional" gender roles. Not that I would in any way endorse going back to the 30s but, there was something to be said for the lack of the prolonged adolescence that is almost expected now.

I agree that our society has begun to treat sex far too casually and that bleeds down to younger and younger kids. Watch an ad for Degrassi on Nick Teen if you wonder what I mean. We have taken something that should be special and ranked it at about the same level as going to the grocery store.

That being said, as a single mom, I have absolutely no sympathy for women who have multiple children by multiple men. My son is 11 and was the result of my poor choice in not using birth control. However, I am constantly aware of the things and opportunities that I cannot offer him because I did not wait until I was in a loving committed relationship to have children. I am constantly aware of the things and opportunities that I cannot offer him because I did not wait until I was financially in a place to support a family. We do ok, I have a college education and he will probably not turn into an axe murderer when he turns 25 but, especially now that he is barreling high speed towards adolescence, I feel the lack of a father for him who can answer questions about his testicles and chest hair. While I would never go back and not have had him, I was ill prepared for one child how much more irresponsible of me would it have been for me to bring a second child into this world that I was not able to financially care for?

Hmmmm....well, I did think about who I slept with, and married him, 5 years married and had a baby, 2 years after that kicked his ass to the kerb :)

And he is STILL irresponsible at age 41, so go figure. Whereas my current husband has never run out on his kids, and never would.

I know someone who was actually unable to have children without using IVF. Her husband really wanted children, while she had already accepted that she wouldn't have children. So they agreed to go through IVF and have children, because he really wanted them, and she was ok with that. They had 2 children. He took off with another woman and she doesn't see a penny and he wants nothing to do with the kids that he insisted they bring into the world (not that she would ever give them back for anything, but she never believed this guy would do this to these kids he wanted so badly).

I think it is a bit of both to be honest. Yes, we as women need to make some better judgements, but sometimes all the checks in the world won't stop this from happening. But men also need to step up and be held more responsible for their actions.

I think the problem is that socially, men are not necessarily looked down on for not stepping up. A man who doesn't step up will still be accepted by their friends, still be able to integrate into society socially as if nothing happened. A woman who neglects her children or doesn't step up is hugely frowned upon and would probably be ostracised more than a man would. So in many ways, its not just an issue for the man or the woman to address, but society as a whole.

I'll probably catch some flak over this but the term "baby daddy" in general pisses me off. It sounds uneducated and ignorant. How about "baby'S Daddy" or "Kid's Dad" or something like that. I understand it's a slang word (which I use all the time) but for some reason I can't stand to hear it.

If I hear the term "Baby Daddy", it has such negotive connotations to me. I will never refer to my BF as baby daddy even if we don't make. And he better NEVER refer to me as Baby Mamma, either.

I'm pretty sure my feelings on this topic are well known.... since I'm against premarital sex and divorce. ;)

It makes me sad and frustrated to hear women complain about their 'baby daddys' when they were only together for a few months and are now pregnant from someone who is a creep. The guys definitely shouldn't get a 'free pass', but the women shouldn't be having sex w/out being in a committed relationship.

Single mothers deserve lots of credit for the hard work they put in, but in some cases, i think they deserve some of the blame for being in the situation they're in. Think about who you're sleeping with!! As for men who abandon their children- they're the worste and there is no excuse- scum of the earth. The kids are really the ones that suffer in the end.

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Mae - posted on 07/19/2010

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Women need to be pickier about who they sleep with ideally not sleepin with anyone until they are married (God gave you other ways! J/K) Most the women that I know with Baby daddy issues are women that slept with male equivalent to a gutter skank, you what type I'm talking about they will sleep with just about anything and have 10 kids by the time you meet them with 7 different baby momma. Anyways, there are baby daddy that take care of their business and take care of their children but there aren't nearly enough of those. Bottom line women need to be descriminant and they need to be in charge of birth control too a good rule of thumb is if you wouldn't spend the rest of you life with it don't sleep with it because you'll end up spending the rest of your life with it anyways if you get pregnant.

Tyler Wren Braddy, calm down and take a breath...and please stop yelling! I am giving you a warning that the next comment that is rude or offensive will be removed and please review the "opinion vs personal attack" thread. You are welcome to share your opinions...just follow the rules. Thank you.HeatherPDHT Moderator

baby daddy where the hell did that come from???? (iam glad i do not have to ever, hear those words) that makes me sick!!!!!! those words are so low class ( it just makes me sick!!!!!!!!!) i was just making a statement in the open not to anyone but to everyone!!!!! its everyone sick of hearing baby daddy!!!!!!!! like we are hoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kayla, I think we are all well aware that birth control fails. BUT it very rarely fails if used properly. The rate of accidental pregnancies far outweighs the birth control failure rate, which tells me that often the birth control is not used properly, or not at all.

My husband and I are currently arguing that he doesn't do enough concerning his children. My kids don't want him when it comes to feedings, changings or putting them to bed. I am struggling with two children and cannot do everything myself. Would appreciate any advice or suggestions.

To the lady who said there is certainly no lack of birth control, and that maybe all these moms running around talking about baby's daddies are simply uneducated..it is possible to get pregnant while using birth control. And there are many other situations that can cause a women to get pregnant, even when she didn't want to. I think that for you to say that, you are the uneducated one, and you should think about what you say before you say it. I don't mean to be rude, I just had to comment on that.

Meghan, just for the record, I though my ex husband was going to disappear. He did for about 6 months, and he really didn't visit my son much for a while after that. And then he started to take a more regular interest, and 10 years later, he sees him every other weekend, which is great (yes, he's still an idiot, but his son loves him, and he isn't abusing his son). But my son comes to me when he needs advice, and it is mine and my current husband who are his emotional supports, and it is our example he follows :) .

I just wanted to share, so you could see that they sometimes tend to flip flop a lot in those early days. Things change, and he may surprise you someday.

well put Jessica! I agree 100% with the society point. I think with my ex, he is putting up a fight because he doesn't want to LOOK like a deadbeat..not because he actually cares.I don't know about chest hair and testicles...but I do know about whiskers on my chin that appear since having him...and I know that sitting down to pee is less of a mess than standing. Plus that's what google is for. I kinda hope that my son comes to me for advice more so than his father ...I truly in my heart feel his dad will disappear (I don't want that to happen btw) and in that case I HAVE to step up...maybe it will be biased feminist opinons..but nothing wrong with being a sensitive male right?

I certainly get a lot of looks for being a 19 year old single mother. But here's the thing that these criticizing people don't know; I was engaged, I had been in a relationship with this guy for over a year, and to top it off, he beat me while I was pregnant. Even some who know what happened think I should have "been more careful", well when you're with someone who you think you're going to be with for the rest of your life you don't think about a "baby daddy" situation. So stop judging us because we're young and single, because to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. I work, and I'm leaving in January for training for the Navy Reserves, I am a responsible, good mother and I don't need a man to help me out or someone I don't know giving me "holier-than-thou" bull and pushing me down.

My ex husband is my "baby daddy". You all may not like that but that's how it is. I was promised the moon and the stars and changed my entire life...he gave up NOTHING and hardly does anything for our boy. It is partially my fault and I don't put ALL the blame on him, but the fact of the matter is we where in a commited serious relationship, he manipulated me (which to be fair, I "allowed" to happen) and I shaped up and do what I have to do and he does whatever he wants whenever he wants and expects me to bend over backwards to appease him. Hindsight, I was nieve and in my heart I knew things weren`t going to work, but without him I wouldn`t have MY son. IMO, the term means someone who doesn`t give a rat`ss ass about their kid...there are a lot of men AND women out there that are like that.There is a difference between a daddy and a father. If I had any ounce of respect for my ex I would say he is my son`s father...since he has acted like a doucher for the past 4 years and I finally got some sense, he is my son`s daddy.

I think some of the issue is the stigma is gone from being a single parent. Not a parent whose partner walked out, he / she finally quit putting up with their craziness and ended it, is widowed, or other things that are out of their control, but a parent who chooses to be a single parent. That is, the ones who sleep with another person knowing the consequences of their actions, and then raise the child themselves. We've somehow decided that those actions are OK and then the other parent is not held accountable to be involved in that child's life. The bad results are borne out by the statistics. In our quest for freedom, equality, and women proving that they are as good as men, we have created a society where men are told that they are not needed or aren't as good as women in the parenting department so they walk away. Read some of the threads where women want to "do something" so the Dad's time with their kid is as limited as possible because of couse men can't be as good parents as women. I think we, as women, have gone overboard in this department and men feel that they are not welcome. The terms to which you refer put either parent in a disrespectful position, like they are somehow "less than" - and we are surprised when they don't feel like they should be involved???

Yes, bad choices are made but it's how we deal with the results of those choices that make us adults and set an example for the kids involved. Both parents should be valued until and unless they do something to prove that they are not to be valued. The only way that we will reach the true equality that we claim we want (and not just control) is for each party to take responsibility, that means paying support, spending time with your kids, etc.

I was talking with a Niece a few years back about this topic and abstinence and I put it this way: forget morals for a minute, remember that if you choose to sleep with a guy you'd better make sure that you like him enough to put up with him for the rest of your life. Because if you end up with a child as a result of that decision, you will be connected for the rest of their life. So, you need to be picky about who you sleep with. She said that that made the most sense of anything she had ever heard.

And to answer your original question, it may be common but it is not OK and it is not to be expected and yes women should be pickier about whom they sleep with and men should be pickier about the women they sleep with.

That's true, Shelle....maybe we need to have more of a commitment before we choose to have sex. I'm not saying everyone should wait until they're married....but people have sex wayyyy too soon in a relationship these days! (myself included, I'm not claiming to be blameless here) Maybe then there wouldn't be so many children being born into broken homes, not that children can't be well adjusted that way, too and I do realize that sometimes kids from nuclear families are less than well adjusted. Hopefully what I'm saying makes sense!

To me, there are different types of fathers, there are the fathers that: procreate (offspring) as the male parent and there are fathers that act or serve as a father to (a child); those who acknowledge responsibility for children that they know are not theirs.

If a man is doing the latter for a child that is not his, than to me that is considered the father. They may not have the same DNA, but since he chose to step in and take responsibility, I considered him to be a father. DNA cannot be replaced, but if a man chooses not to take responsibilty and someone else does, that man is essentially filling the role as father in my book.

When my daughter's father and I were sleeping together (only 1 Month) he told me he was unable to have children. I also was concerned with STD's but he assured me he had just recently been checked. I ended that relationship asap due to the fact he is a heroin addict, pill popper, convict on parole and many more disturbing things. After we ended our short relationship I soon after found out I was pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with the baby while I was pregnant even wanted me to have an abortion. Not that im against abortion but when I was 21 I had one and it was horrible, I knew I never wanted to put myself in that position again to make that decision. My daughters father hasnt seen or called to ask about our daughter in 10 months, she is 1 yr now. When I chose to continue my pregnancy I knew I would be a single mom. I havent asked for child support or called and asked him why he doesnt want to see our daughter. I figure if he doesnt want to offer me child support to help with our daughter than he really doesnt want anything to do with her. Not that I want that type of man around my daughter in the first place. I guess where im going with this is that I knew I was going to be a single mom when I was pregnant and Im taking full responsibility of my actions and my daughter. I dont expect anyone else but me to raise my daughter since I chose to have her. But believe me, I would have much rather had a husband and we plan on starting a family... for my daughers sake. But she is not lacking anything from me being a single parent.

no, i agree. if he is endangering your child (and i consider modelling unacceptable behaviors to be endangering) then you have duty as a mother to step in and say no. but, like you said, denying someone the right to see their child just b/c you don't like him is so selfish. my dad did that to me and I am still angry about it, nearly 30 years later!

Yes, you make sense. No-one can replace a mother or father, and I don't think anyone should expect this. I guess that's why it annoys me when I see parents denying rights to the other parent because they can, or because they have a personal issue with that person. I actually can't stand my ex. I have had restraining orders, etc, death threats sent to my husband, and threats toward my husband's children. He is totally screwed. But he is STILL Jayden's dad, and you can't replace that - he is not a great father, but he has never abused his son, just little things, like not turn up to pick him up on occasion, kept him in the same clothes all weekend, not paid child support for months on end etc. At the same time, however, he isn't really a good role model, so as a mother, ensuring my son has time with his grandfather, and his step father balances that out. I think that's the message I am trying to get out ther :)

I completetly agree Jodi! it's so important for our kids to have some kind of male role model and it's OK if that man is not their dad. I mean, ideally it Is there dad, but if not there are others who can fill the role model void, but no one can IMO ever 'replace' a father. Does that make sense? It's just my experience as a divorced kid that even though i still got love and attention, I stilll missed my mom and although my grandmother was like a mother to me, she still wasn't my mom. That being said, having her in my life certainly Did keep me from being just another statistic. Am I making sense?

Sarah, research has shown the male role model doesn't need to be a father. An uncle, a teacher, a grandfather, all of these can be strong role models in a child's life. Just because dad is a deadbeat doesn't mean the kids can't have wonderful role model's in their life. We, as mothers, need to encourage our children in these other relationships and it will be a positive thing for our kids :)

I went through a time with my son where his father saw him very rarely, but my own father was a big part of my son's life and has continued to be a big influence on him. Jayden's dad is in his life these days, although I wouldn't say he is that much of a role model, but Jayden still has his "poppy" and he also now has my current husband, who he also really looks up to :) He is now 12, and is a respectful, well mannered boy, and I have very few fears that he will turn out less than a responsible young man.

UGH! I just had a terrible day with my nephew, that poor child is scarred for life. Not only is his dad a deadbeat, his mom is too busy out running around to do right by him. He is exactly the kind of kid these statistics are about. And she, unfortunatly, is exactly the kind of woman we have been talking about, one of those 'poor me' types who can't see the forest for the trees. I really am at my wits end :(@ teresa- I am sure you are doing a great job with the kids, and it is a wonderful thing that your church members are stepping into that male role. while everyone would like to see a nuclear family, i think that having a strong male role model, even if it's not their dad, will help keep them on track. and why wouold anyone want you to be more than just you? that's more than enough!

I feel like we are reading 2 different things. Most of us posting are single moms ourselves. I did feel hurt at first, but was assured that being a single mom in of itself isn't the issue here. No one is accusing you or anyone else here of being a bad mother or a lazy person or uneducated.

There are mothers out there that are all of those things. I know one in particular that drives me mad with the self pity and lazy behavior! I am in almost the exact place she is in, but our reactions to it are worlds apart. I have a feeling that even if the father of her child was around she would be the same way. I don't think it has to do with being a single mom. Some people are just lazy complainers who love to cry about everything. :p From what I have read none of these things apply to any of the women here ♥

sure. that is the most important thing, but im a single mom, have been since i was 18, and i definitely dont wallow in self pity. in fact, most of the single mothers i know are some of the greatest women i know, strong-willed, determined, and positive role models. and if you read through these posts and take out single moms and insert the word stay at home house wives or whatever it may be, you just may be as offended as i was :)the whole point is to be positive. how can we help each other as mothers and women. when my shit went down, i got off my ass and did what i had to do to make sure my girls had the best child hood i could give to them. and they are wonderful girls because of it. single moms arent alone, we are one of the most powerful and helpful networks to be a part of. we get things done!!!do some research on some famous single moms. you will find many!!!!!!!

I don't think anyone on this particular conversation is single mom bashing. They are just saying that women shouldn't sit around wallowing in there self pity. Shit happens and you have to get up off your ass and move on. Just because you've been victimized doesn't mean you have to play the victim. The most important thing is to teach our kids to respect themselves and hopefully they will find a partner who respects them, so that one day when they have kids they don't have to do it alone.

omg- my first forum post and there is a lot of single-mom bashing on here by women who arent singe moms. the most important role of a single mom is to raise her children to the best of her ability, regardless of the fact that the father is or is not involved in the rearing of the children. single mothers come from all different backgrounds and lifestyles. it is not right to sit and criticize a whole group of women when you have never walked a day in their shoes! the most important thing here should be that women uphold one another. we all have something to teach and learn.... but judging and making unfair generalizations is not the key to getting to the bottom of this "epidemic."i can see how the term "baby daddy" can irritate someone who is not affiliated with that lifestyle, but what other way is there to phase that without someone having a problem with the way it was said? not all single moms are whores or have problems with picking men. and not all men are to blame either. we all have our stories. and i dont care what people think about mine, because my children think the world of their mother and fathers. yes, i said fatherS. and by the way, we are not less educated :) im probably more educated than at least half of the folks on this forum, from reading some of the immature and hurtful responses. ladies, we are supposed to be a circle of moms, not a circle of judges. anyone have anything positive to say??!

I was a single parent for 10 yr my daughters father made me think that he loved me more than life itself in the middle of planning our wedding (had a dress a church everything) this a**hole ran off with another women while i was 6 mos pregnant i was devastated i didnt know what to do ( i was even gonna give my daughter up for adoption) but i cryed for 1 mo and then picked myself up had my daughter got 2 degrees and moved on i did what was need to be done. until you've been through it you dont know the half of what being a single parent is or having to deal with a crazy a** man that really dont want to have anything to do with the child he just cant stand to see you happy (with or with out a man in your life) And to all the women that have never been through the heartache of having to realize that you are about to raise a child all by yourself with no help from the man who said that he will love you for the rest of your life im happy because i would never wish this on anyone. and to all those mother who are single parents now or who wher single parent and are now married keep on doing what you do. it just pisses me off when women who have NEVER walked a mile in our shoes want to judge.......oh and by the way i hate the term baby daddy it so ghetto and common!

I definitely worry about how my kids are going to be. I'm actually quite terrified that I'm going to end up w/ a pregnant teenage daughter... or 2 of them. And worry about how my son is going to learn how to be a real man.

Their father is 'in' their lives to a point which I suppose is good, but no one can totally convince me of that. He loves them, but hates me too much to discuss anything w/ me and pretty much lies everytime he opens his mouth.

The kids have a lot of great 'uncles' from church, but I don't think it's enough and I don't know what to do about it. I can't be a father, I can only be me......

I have so much in common with you guys. The drugs, the older guy, the sucking ass at taking my pill on time. So happy I have my daughter or I might never have gotten clean!

I should have, could have, would have, done a lot of things different if I didn't know how wonderful things would be. I really wouldn't change a thing, even her dad sucking. I'm sooooo happy with my life. For the first time since i was a kid I am not depressed. Everything isn't perfect, but I'm ok with that. Tori really change who I am from the inside out. I love love love being a mother, even if it's being a single mother. I'm not alone I have a very supportive family.

Lyndsay, I have been there, done that! Your story is like mine, except I got sober about 4 months before getting pregnant and he supposedly was but was doing drugs behind my back. I should have been a hell of a lot more selective! Hell yeah, he should have stepped up more and NOT been skipping work to get high, but who the hell am I to lay all the blame on him as though I didn't DECIDE to have sex with him? Yes, I was on birth control but I forgot at least 2-3 times a month to take it on time. The statistics are actually that most people do not take pills consistently as directed. (When I have this baby, I'm getting on Mirena and using condoms when and if I choose to have sex.) I completely agree with you.

I think women need to put more effort into birth control. It seems to me that a lot of girls get into a relationship and they fall completely head over heels, they are tricked into believing that this man will be with them forever, they end up getting pregnant and the man bails. Its a sad situation for these women, and obviously these men are scum bags. In these situations, yeah, I think that women need to be a little more selective. Think long term, because a child is a lifetime responsibility. (I fall into this category, even though my "baby daddy" is still with me. I got pregnant at 18 when we were both drug addicts, and at the time he was the least likely positive father figure I could've imagined... I guess I got lucky, because things are completely different now.)

Then there are situations where a couple is happily married, or in a long-term relationship, whatever, where both partners expect to be together forever. A baby comes along, man can't handle it, and bails. Again, this main is scum. I think there is a little less blame for the woman here, because babies usually follow marriage.

I guess the short of it is, yes, I think that in many cases the women are partially responsible for their situations. In ALL cases, I think that the male half of the equation needs to step up and do his part. He helped create the child, he should help raise it. Its disgusting to me how many men just shirk this responsibility, shrug it off like last winter's coat and go in with their lives.

Well, I think a lot of those statistics are based more on low income families (the ones where the parents aren't educated and work at minimum wage type jobs). They do tend to have more problems, but I think a lot of that is that the mother does not know how to cope in a lot of those types of situations, so how would the children know? That's not to say that happens with ALL low income single parent families w/o a college educaton, but there's so many of them that that's where I tend to think the statistics come from. I could be wrong, but that would be my guess....

Yes Ramona I understand what you are saying. It's unfortunate that my son's father chose to not be a part of his life but you're right, I don't think of myself as a victim. My life got better because of my son. I went back to school and am actually graduating tomorrow. I just got a good job and am planning on (hopefully) buying a house within the year. If anything, my son's father leaving only made me a stronger person. I have raised my son on my own since he was born and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I know the "statistics" say that kids without fathers have a higher chance of having problems but I believe my son will be just fine.

No one is saying that anybody's child is not a blessing....it's just that it's becoming such a norm and it's stressful for a single mom to do what she does! There's a difference between not regretting what happened and that your son was born, and acting like you are a victim because he wasn't father of the year. You clearly are not a victim and are not portraying yourself as such. :) Does that make sense?

Yeah mine's 30 too....I can only hope for my baby's sake, and for the sake of his other two children (yeah....some men really CAN be deceiving....for me to think he'd magically change for #3......I'm an educated woman......seriously....?!?!?) that he one day gets his shit together!!

I knew my son's father for three months before I got pregnant. I wasn't on birth control and wasn't careful. I wasn't young, I was 26, old enough to know about using birth control. My son is now 3. His father hasn't seen him since he was two months old. He pays no child support and hasn't contacted us in over two years. Everyone can say what they want and post whatever comments they want but I will NEVER say that what I did was wrong. My son is THE BEST thing that has ever happened to me. He was a gift from God. He is well taken care of and extremely happy and loved, even without a father. If I had a second chance to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing.