Lingo

I’m learning hookup culture has its own set of slang and phrases. Here’s what I’ve go so far, list to be edited as I learn:

Hangout/ Chill – casual sex, but I’m too much of a pussy to say it outright. Or I don’t have any tact/ skill/ game so this is the best shot I’ve got. Let me press this average size erection in your back and slowly dry hump you into giving up on your hope for an orgasm, baby.

Compliments on Beauty – hollow, revocable upon denial of sex. (I love going from sultry sex goddess to fat ugly whore in the span of 4 messages. It’s actually a race now, I’m hoping to get it down to 2. By the way, NO is a complete sentence, I do not owe you anything. Just like you don’t owe me anything, but you’re gonna try real hard to give me a piece of your mind. Or syphilis.)

I have somewhere I need to be – I had no intention of doing this job properly and/ or I had this exit planned from the very beginning. I’m not adult enough to realize this tactic is transparent, silly, and completely pointless. Bye, bitch!

I’ll come back later/ tomorrow and finish the job – I’m never talking to you again.

You’ll just have to find out (regarding sexual performance) – I will not satisfy you.

I have a big dick – I have an above average size penis in length, and no idea how to use it. If I cause you pain, I feel validated as a man.

I’m bored – I have nothing of interest in my life because I’m boring, prepare to be underwhelmed by my sexual performance too! What? You’re not impressed with 10 minutes of slam time!? Well, obviously you’re insatiable.

I’m horny – I will drive to wherever you are, get off in 3 minutes, and leave. Thanks for not being my hand tonight, babe. I’m so lonely, I wish my last girl friend didn’t leave me for being a douche bag- kidding, what girl friend. I can’t even talk to women in social settings. I microwave my pocket pussy most nights to make it feel more real. Why didn’t my father love me?

Cuddle – I’m praying you’re either lonely enough to think I would drive all the way to you just to hold a complete stranger platonically, or that you’re on the same wave length regarding passive language and know that I’m just asking for sex without saying it outright. Because words are hard. Oh, also, if you actually just cuddle with me all night I will use every line from junior high on up to try and convince you to let me disappoint you sexually. Including “just the tip.” So…. come on, just to see how it feels? If you don’t like it we can stop.

I can pick you up – Please get in my vehicle, I’m going to murder you in the woods. Or, realistically, I’m going to ask for road head and then act indignant upon your refusal. I’m already ready to get rid of you, prude.

Come to my house – Step into my murder lab. You won’t know the exits and I’ll be pressuring you for sex all night. No doesn’t mean no if you drove here, babe.

I don’t like to wear condoms – I feel special about not liking condoms, everybody else just loves them. I ate a lot of paint chips in elementary school.

Referring to women as FEMALES – I will disappoint you sexually, blame you for my shortcomings, and be a general pain in your ass while simultaneously passive aggressively vaguebooking about you. I am a black hole of sadness and my mother dresses me funny.

No Drama – I perpetuate every stereotype of drama in my own life, but remain the victim at all times ensuring that the cycle never breaks and I always have something to bitch about.

Denigrating other women – I don’t know how to have healthy relationships in my life so I blame and resent all women, but you’re totally different and I wouldn’t call you a whore/ bitch/ slut/ crazy like my last 14 girl friends. Those cunts. (NEVER mistake this bullshit as a compliment. If they’re putting down other women to build you up, they’re just gonna talk poorly about you and treat you poorly.)

Please me – I don’t know how to get you off, so I’m going to switch it around on you to please me and pretend I’m some Alpha in charge of the orgasms. I’m not. (Remember, he’s guaranteed to get off. You’re not.)

Laying in bed – the go-to segue for every man ever to direct the conversation to being about his penis. If I, as a woman, say this and mean it- because it’s like 3am- obviously I’m laying in wait for him to come ravage me. WHAT OTHER PURPOSE DOES A BED SERVE!?

I’m begging you – Please don’t make me fuck my hand again tonight, I want to pass the disappointment on to YOU for once.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.
View all posts by DD Fnord