"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"

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First Online Story
See any number of
ass-kissing paeans to Suck, home
of barely bite-sized bursts of
uninformative bile with the
depth of insight of a college
newspaper op-ed.
Five years ago today in Suck.(try 11!)

Q. Who said Suck is entitled to a vacation?

A. Well, it all goes back to our abiding ambition to become the Johnny Carsons of the Web. You'll
recall that the original latenight smoothie was famous not only for his unflappable desk manner, uproarious
animal guests and outrageous "Carnac" routines, but for disappearing for weeks and months at a time,
leaving the show in the capable hands of various Brenners and Shandlings. And who can forget the
immortal Joan Rivers? Didn't these frequent absences really just make you fonder of old Johnny?

Q. No, they didn't.

A. But consider how the vacations gave you a chance to reflect on all that Johnny meant to you.

Q. That was back in the eighties, you over-the-hill fuckfaces. We're in a competitive global
economy now, where Dave and Jay can't afford to lose even a week's worth of edge.

A. That's true at the general level, not at the specific. Our surveys indicate Web content in the
year 2001 is the least competitive industry since Special Education. What else are you going
to read? GettingIt? RequestLine? The Finger?

Q. Better their back issues than your moldy old flapdoodle. Old Sucks are torture  like
reading five-year-old Village Voice articles, just like James Wolcott said.

Q. But I do look to Suck for fulfillment. Suck is my
[breakfast time/work-shirking/coffee break/lunchtime] reading;
without it my life isn't complete.

A. Then why are you always sending us nasty letters?

Q. It's tough love! I feel that you guys owe me  me personally  your best work, 365 days a year.
You can't just leave me hanging like this!

A. But think how good it will feel when you see the Sucksters again, tanned, rested and ready, with
recharged batteries and can-do attitudes!

Q. Who wants a can-do attitude from the Sucksters? You're supposed to be miserable for
my entertainment. Whatever happened to suffering for your art?

A. Every day for six years we've been shucking and jiving for the amusement of a
bunch of retards and you say we're
not suffering enough?

Q. How dare you refer to me that way? I've been reading Suck since 1995, before you sold out and it
really started to blow. You bastards owe me for all that time!

A. No, you owe us. Why should we have to slave like this without a break?

Q. Because without Suck, who will challenge America's foulest blowhards? Without Suck you've
got a whole country of people who think loathsome drizzlerods like Maureen Dowd are incredibly daring
and insightful and self-infatuated lardasses like Thomas L. Friedman are shrewd commentators on the
world scene. Without Suck who's going to challenge the sad little weasels with
nothing going for them? Without Suck it's just grinning idiots all the way down, Steve Martin
humor columns, asswipe behind-the-scenes specials about the making of Tomb Raider.

A. We feel your pain. We truly do. But even schoolchildren get the summer off. We want to
be alone.

Q. Fuck what you want. What about my needs? What am I supposed to do in the
meantime?

A. Keep your feet on the ground, keep reaching for the stars, enjoy our hand-selected Suck
classics, and keep on dreaming of a better day.