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In which i explore Maryland … accidentally

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I’m in Baltimore for my 30-year college reunion for Johns Hopkins. It’s Saturday morning at around 7:00 and I’m so exhausted from last night that I’m not even sure how I’m typing this but I’m going to try to tell you about my journey to Baltimore; more like a quest I suppose.

I woke up yesterday well-rested and ready for my road trip. I decided that I would drive this time as opposed to flying so as soon as Daniel left for school, I got into my car only to discover that I had no gas. That in itself isn’t unusual but with a six hour drive ahead of me, I figured that there was no way I’d make it to my destination on a quarter tank of gas so of course, being the rational person that I am, I stopped to fill up.

After a few more stops, which are way too boring to go into, I was ready to make the final, but certainly the most important stop, Starbucks! I ordered two Venti coffees to go and I hit the road. Although I figured this would require many, many pit stops the caffeine was an ABSOLUTE necessity.

So, I’m driving and jamming and I’m in a great mood because I’m actually going to make it to this reunion on the correct weekend. In a personal record, my bladder is holding out and I make it past the first rest area. Of course, this one is only 12 miles outside of Greensboro but stop judging me! At the next rest area, I go to the bathroom and take a look at my tires and I thought, “Damn, does that one tire look low?”

Of course, being OCD (just a little) I can’t stop thinking about that and then I spend the next 40 miles or so imagining a blowout causing my death in a fiery car crash. The fantasizing continues as I imagine my funeral; wondering who will come and what they’ll say and who is going to piss me off by not coming to my funeral but then, of course, I’ll be dead and not know anyways when I realize that maybe on the next bathroom break, it would be easier if I just stopped at a gas station and checked my tire pressure.

And that’s what I did. I topped off my gas tank, went to the bathroom AND then I checked my tire pressure. After all that, it was fine. What a waste of a great fantasy!

At any rate, you’d better show at my funeral.

So I’m back on the road, almost to I-95 and I’m zooming and it’s all good when I realize I’m beginning to get hungry. I’m making good time so I think, “maybe I can make it to Baltimore” so I’ll just get a snack. So I get some snack mix, finish my water and continue on my way when I know there’s NO WAY I’m going to make it to Baltimore because really, I’m starving.

Where’s Chik-fil-a when you need it? Or CookOut? NOWHERE!!! I decide that Wendy’s is the next best thing and get off at an exit that says Wendy’s. Of course, I get off in the North direction when the Wendy’s is in the South Direction, or maybe it was the east west thing; same difference. Finally after driving a mile with my “nav bitch” yelling at me to make a legal U-turn and get back on the highway, I realize that I’m never going to locate the Wendy’s and I descend to one of the layers of hell and go to McDonalds.

Normally, I would never eat at McDonalds but at this point I was so damn hungry I was about to perish. Even baiting my “nav bitch” was losing its luster in my haze of deprivation. So after eating a slab of cold chicken and getting a Diet Coke, I was back on the road. What’s amazing is that even with all these stops I’m making good time. So here I am in Washington (well actually I’m bypassing Washington but still) and I’m psyched, my destination is near. Here’s where it all went sideways.

First my “nav bitch” tells me to get off the highway. Now I’m skeptical because she’s 9 years old so really, is she still current? I doubt it because all these road signs keep telling me to stay on the highway and to further confuse me; they post these signs which say “BALTIMORE AHEAD.” In my head, I’m having a battle. The bitch (my nav system) says get off here but there’s all these signs saying stay on the highway Lynn!!! What to do? I stayed on the highway.

Soon thereafter, I read a sign saying, “accident ahead with two lanes closed.” “Great”, I think, although I’m not too concerned because I figure they’ll get that mess cleared up before I get there and I’m only 35 miles from my destination and even though I just had a diet coke, I should be fine until I arrive at my hotel. Boy, was I wrong.

I’m driving and then I’m in a traffic jam which takes about 40 minutes to go about 10 miles and now, I need to pee again. I finally get past the wreck and I basically have 20 some odd miles to go but I also need to go to the bathroom. At this point I’m off the highway on the Baltimore Washington Parkway. By the way, I’m pretty sure this is where my “nav bitch” had wanted me to go in the first place.

So I’m continuing along when I see that it looks like there’s a stand still ahead but I’m almost at an exit and I see a gas station. I get off the Baltimore Washington Parkway; there’s no way I can deal with another traffic jam with out a bathroom break first. Immediately, the “nav bitch” starts yelling at me. Proceed to the next exit and take a legal U-turn. I kind of want to take an illegal U-turn just to bust her balls, if she has them. Do you ever feel like that? No matter, that was rhetorical.

At any rate, she’s screaming at me and DAMN, I’m on some goddamn highway going west and there’s no fucking exit; also, no bathroom. And where did the Gas Station go? Finally, after a few miles I get to an exit. Still no gas station here so I cross over the highway and get back on in the direction from whence I came. Where the hell is a gas station? I drive back the few miles and I pass over the parkway and I see the station up on the left; unfortunately it’s on an access road and I’m not sure how to get there but by now, I really have to go to the bathroom so I get off at the next exit and make a left and all of a sudden I see signs that say “VISITORS THIS WAY.” Visitors? This must be one hell of a gas station right?

By now, I’m pretty confused about what’s going on when I pull up at the NSA. Yes, the National Security Agency because I have arrived at the National Cryptology Museum. WHAT. THE. FUCK? The National Cryptology Museum?

First of all, I never knew such a thing existed. Second of all, this is actually right up my alley. I love spy stuff and even read a lot about The Enigma and all that stuff in World War II so in theory I would love to visit the place BUT I have to pee and I also have a reunion to get to. Oh, the irony!!

Fortunately, right about when I’m ready to kill somebody, I see a sign that says gas and I turn and fine the gas station, complete with restrooms. Alter relieving myself, and probably you too, I went back and took some pictures. After all, I was beginning to think this trip was turning out pretty funny so far. So the pictures are from some sort of spy plane outside the museum. I don’t even know.

What I do know is that if I was actually looking for it, I never would have found the NSA but in looking for a restroom, I found the most secretive place in America. They probably had bathrooms in there but I bet I would have had to encrypt a code to get in there and seriously I wasn’t up to it.

I got back on the highway and drove the remaining 12 miles to Baltimore. By the time I got to the hotel, I practically threw my car at the Valet and checked in to collapse in my room; a room that has it’s own bathroom which I could locate with no help from any automated systems.

So there you are, my journey to Baltimore or as I like to refer to it, “my attempt to sightsee around Maryland and locate the National Cryptology Museum.”

As to why I’m so tired? I slept about three hours last night because a) I ate chocolate cake for dessert b) I had a ton of beer c) I forgot to bring Xanax and d) Downtown Baltimore is so fucking loud with sirens and shit all GODDAMN NIGHT! So yeah, I’m mainlining coffee and going to work out. Sorry this is such a poorly put together post but honestly, I’m surprised I’m coherent.

I remember driving through DT Baltimore when I was touring with my basketball team when I was 13 – which consisted of 13 white girls and 2 mulatto girls. I’ll never forgot my coach: “Don’t make eye contact. Don’t make faces or wave… AT ANYONE.” I don’t know if I would have been as scared if he hadn’t have hyped it up… then we heard gun shots 3 times at night at the motel we were staying at. ACK!

The Baltimore Washington Parkway is a daily nightmare – even on Sunday afternoons. You should have texted me and I could have told you! NSA, huh? You were literally 15 minutes from me…I have a bathroom and lots of food in the fridge.

The way I see this – if you had just had my cell phone – I could have met you in person and you could have avoided all of this.

On the flipside – you wouldn’t have had this great post this morning either… :)

There are so many things I love about this post:
1. That you call your navigation system ‘Nav Bitch’
2. That you found the freaking NSA
3. Despite being incoherent, it’s still a pretty funny postAlison@Mama Wants This recently posted..How @Twitter has RuinedMyLife

Silly you! Your Nav-Bitch was telling you what your radio subliminally told you a few weeks ago…YOU were meant to be a SPY! She took you right to the damn place and you didn’t even go in! I’m sure with your special spy powers you could’ve opened the bathroom doors with your mind!

Oh and I stock up on Starbucks for trips, too, and then have to pee every 20 mintues. Why DO we set ourselves up for wet pants?Pamela D Hart recently posted..Great Being Called Mum