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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

In a moment of curiosity last week I had a look in the spam box for the public blog email address. Maybe some important snippets of information had been sent to the Google spam dungeon by mistake.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that thousands, nay, millions of pounds were lying unclaimed by us simply because Google had chosen to hide them from us.

This is just a sample of what they didn't want to tell us:

Western Union had arranged a $1 million dollar transfer for us and we simply needed to send details of our name, age, country and occupation.

That funds amounting to $23.2 million dollars, possibly belonging to insurgents, had been discovered in padlocked boxes in Iraq and needed a reliable and trustworthy person to act as an honest broker for the money to be shipped out of the country. For this service we would get 10% of the total sum. (running total: $3.32 million)

That UBS's offshore branch (in London) held $232 million worth of dormant funds. By acting as agent, we are entitled to 40% of the proceeds. (running total: $61.32 million)

We are the heirs to a fortune of £3.6 million. For reasons of security, the writer couldn't give the name of the departed person until we confirm our identity and supply bank details. (running total: $61.32 million, £3.6 million)

There are, I have great pleasure in announcing, many other winnings and inheritances, including money owing from the BBC lottery and the British Canadian lottery. In fact, there are far too many to mention here.

But here I confess to being in a predicament. Due to a long-standing dispute with my landlord, Lewisham Homes plc, Hong Kong, my credit rating has been adversely affected. Even this week they sent me a ''you may lose your home'' letter for an outstanding sum of £16.52.

However, if there is anyone with a healthier credit rating than me who is prepared to act as a trustworthy broker, I will be happy to grant that honourable person a full 50% of the proceeds and I give an undertaking to give them highly advantageous first options for the remaining funds. This first tranche of funds will therefore amount to US$30.66 million and GBP £1.8 million.

A simple reply to crosswhatfields@gmail.com, giving your name and bank details, is all that is needed to set the asset transfers in motion.