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How are we human

3.08.2017

Can't tell whether it's the feeling of disgust or disappointment i am feeling now as i am going through a whole whirlpool of emotions after what happened. Not sure if i was a fool to think all this while that you were perfect and to defend that selfish a** of yours for the past 1 year.

I know i wasn't a perfect partner to you while we were still dating back in 2015, and turned a blind eye to all the things you did to hurt me emotionally (whether it was intentional or not, doesn't matter anymore) behind my back thinking it was harmless on your side but not having any regards of how i felt when you did those things.

Being emotionally cheated on is much worst than being cheated on physically, it tortures my mind to no end when the light slowly shed on it over the past few months even before your daughter's passing. Probably the right word to describe my feeling towards you at this point is nothing but 'disgust'.
At least i admit my mistakes, i tried to be a better person from there rather than push the blame on everyone else but myself but have you ever once tried owning up to your own in front of me?
No, to your friends not sure what tall tales you have crafted to save your sorry a** but from the things i heard, you have no respect for women at all. Especially me.

Yes what happened beneath the bed sheets was great (you are so proud to boast about our private life to your friends, then there's no reason for me to hide this fact as well) and no denying we had fun while it lasted but at least i took responsibility for our actions when things blew out of proportion and cared for our daughter while you go about frolicking here and there boasting about your childish lavish splurges.

"You can't afford a kid", that's the biggest bullsh*t i've told ever. But yet i still tell people the excuse of you not being financially ready to be committed at that point of time JUST to protect your name and even IF you did bother of even thinking to help out with the baby's costs i also wouldn't want it because i am ashamed that Mariko had a father like you.

A Cheater, a coward and a liar.

I truly believe you were a man of your word but maybe that's the past and that man i knew no longer exist anymore. You paid partial of the rent as we both agreed despite you not using the place, but did not bother to stop one second to think about our daughter.
How i was forced to pick up so much of work so that i can cover my medical bills and hers. how both mentally and physically exhausted i was throughout the past 11 months. And did you lift a finger or at least check on her?

No.

Not Once.

But at least that girl of yours came to visit after i gave birth just because she studies there, and to think of how i allowed someone as disgusting as her to hold my child makes my blood boil. But it has happened, not like i can do anything about it.
People who have no shame at all, i'm glad that i finally made the call for her to stay away from both Mariko and i, she can have the useless father. He's all yours to play with and no longer our concern.

A fun fact, for those of you who don't know the exact story here's a brief summary- that snake was an old friend of ours, we knew each other close to 9 years already and i totally didn't see this coming.
Well i did know he always liked her from the start, and how i encouraged that young man (back then he was only 20) to go after her while she constantly just left him hanging as a backup like how she does to the other guys. It wasn't fair but i said nothing as all i wanted as a good friend was for him to be happy and guess 9 years later look how f*ck up we are.

There are snakes everywhere and humans are always bound to fall into their temptations, despite acknowledging that fact, it still hurts me alot.

I never knew what love and pain is until i've met you, for that i thank you for it

But i thank our daughter most because she taught me to be forgiving.

I really thought i have gone past that stage of crying for you as i am still grieving for our late daughter, but news just had to reach my ears of how the both of you finally stopped hiding. It shouldn't bother me because you no longer play a part in our lives, she's gone for good and i have no reason to cling on to hope (that you'll be the father our daughter deserves).
Yet these tears won't stop falling, the pain gets intense every single time and no amount of prayer can give me peace. It hurts. It really does.

Over and over again these questions run through my mind..

"How can you go on with life so easily, how could you first of all abandon your own flesh and blood, how could you go about seeing someone again after all that has happened recently and i kept on telling myself maybe you weren't ready to be a father but yet it took me by surprise you have time for another girl but not your own daughter. How are you even a man when simple responsibilities or promises you can't uphold. How are you even human anymore (or even that girl)."

I truly am disgusted by the both of you.

Was blinded by love to see past your faults, defend you and even was so naive to believe all the things that girl has said to me but i now see where the true snake lies.
Yea, maybe you two are meant for each other and i have no place in your life anymore.

Despite all these, i still choose to forgive you.

And can never be angry no matter how hard i try.

It's maybe my weakness and because he's my daughter's father and i love them both from the bottom of my heart. I would like to remember him as the kind and gentle man i used to know, like how i want to remember the happier days i had with Mariko instead of the sadness, both of them came to me like a beautiful dream but like all dreams it comes to and end when we all have to wake up eventually (i wished i didn't have to).

It's easy for people to tell me "move on", but if you were in my shoes- a stupid girl who has fell so hard for a man and so long as well would find this a challenge to pick ourselves up and let go.
We have to nonetheless, not sure when will this feeling of pain and betrayal will eventually numb itself or the loneliness and sorrows of not having my daughter around anymore.
There's just so much of mixed emotions, that i can't comprehend and it drives me to the brink of insanity but then again "it's all in my head". No one will understand what's going on in there, not even the shrink.

Guess crying it out is the only best solution for now.
And please don't ask me why my eyes are '"smaller" when you see me. Go figure.

Can't wait till the day comes when i look back at all this (if i am still alive by then), and tell myself that there was a point of time i loved a man and gave him my all, bore his child but he still took no heed and went along his merry way. Losing our child was probably the most painful thing i've experienced in my life ever as a mother but yet i am here today stronger that most people because of what i've gone through.

Maybe it would take me 10-20 years from now to actually move on with life, sounds really slow and excruciating but that's the only way i guess.
I'm writing this entry to look back to one day, laugh about how silly i was to let a man in my life and giving them the trust they don't deserve to begin with, letting my guard down knowing that it was a huge risk.
This is it, i can't promise that i would not shed another precious tear on you but i'll try to save it for someone else who truly deserves those tears, like our daughter. Just wish you all the best in everything you do and hopefully one day you'll grow a conscience (or balls) to say you are sorry to our daughter at her grave.

We'll both be waiting.

To other women out there who have encountered a similar fate as such has i and yet managed to overcome it, you are truly remarkable and i do hope to survive this in one pieceHappy International Women's day.

1 comment:

Hi, I found your story randomly and I've been reading your blog. Just want to share something that I learnt :). Move on is difficult. It's true. I think what on your mind now is right, you're a kind and lovely person. Just take your time. It hurts everytime when you remember but remember one thing,Life puts you in this,you may regret of loving him from the beginning (I didn't mean about having Mariko, I think that's a beautiful thing you've done) (it happens all the time on me about regrets) but it doesn't important anymore and remember what life taught you. Remember the prettiest Mariko and happy moments. People always says, how much love you have is actually how much hate you have. Therefore some emotions we don't necessarily need to separate them exactly. Nobody's perfect,I believe you know that sometimes things should have some imperfections, same thing goes to life. What I think is that, if there's no such emotion as "sad", one actually won't really know what it means by "happy". Always find a reason to smile. Think about Mariko. I believe that she always want her mother to be happy. Take care and stay strong.