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Some men on Tinder (soft ass southern California boys I should say) say the most uncleverly vulgar things without warning- because they are looking for a negative reaction since nobody gives them attention or they are showing off to their equally sad scraggly friends.

I luckily stand up for myself well in these situations but as I get older I’d like to ignore them, but I just keep thinking of the countless girls that look down at their phones thinking they are talking to someone great who immediately out of nowhere says something so violating to make her feel immediately gross, like he jumped through the phone. And so, I give these idiots the time of day they never deserve yet so desperately seek out with some simple messages back. I want them to know someone’s going to clap back.

Evidence!!!!! I am calling you out, Eric Kelley!!! This is what it looks like to live with a guy. TOENAIL CLIPPINGS ON TH
E COFFEE TABLE!!!!!!!! oh this is war. I’m tying all my tampons to your shoe laces and hoarding leilas dog shit under your bed.

When you’re scratching your head after working on things since 5:30 am and you feel a giant lump. Is it a tick? is this a tick?! and the more you feel it the bigger it is, and you’re having full on anxiety that you’re going to get lock jaw from Lyme’s Disease and never speak again and you’re having strange macabre fantasies of how this massive tick has spent all day, night, nights?! slowly sucking out your life force and possibly your intelligence, lowering your IQ with its inferior invasion of your skin. But then you realize it is merely your pearl earring ratted up into your messy bun and that you’ve been walking around like David Bowie with one damn earring in and nobody has said a word. It’s fine. It’s just Monday.

Oh hell. Please do not refer to your child as “42 months old”. He’s 3 and a half. Your kid is 3 and a half years old. Jesus christ. I guess I’m 338 months old.

I am really not in the mood to do mental mathematical gymnastics to determine if showing him Pulp Fiction and Wild Things is age appropriate when you leave me in a room alone with him.

What if mothers get tired and they drop the “months” as we’ve come to drop the “years” when we tell people our ages?? 42 months. So now your kid is just 42.

Are you 3 and a half, kid? Or are we going by dog years? in that case, you’d be 22 and a half. and that means you can watch bad things. What about bourbon? Is 42 months old enough for that? because 42 sounds old. When you invite me to your kid’s birthday party, and I say I’m at a 42nd birthday celebration and my friends want to come crash and bring champagne, what am I going to do with them when they come and destroy the moon bounce because they thought you said you were going to have moonshine ??

If we are counting by months, why aren’t you having a birth month party? Why does a yearly party even matter anymore?

Am I up to date as far as developing on a 30 day cycle goes? Am I exactly where I should be? Am I young for my age?

This month, if I pay my credit card bill off completely, I will have paid all bills on time, have had no hangovers, have worked out almost 4 days straight, not used my last 35 dollars on shots and chicken tenders, and not made out with anyone in a shitty bar. Those are some pretty solid milestones for 338 months. Yours truly, your little blooming buttercup, with pollen in ALLL the right areas, is progressing age appropriately! It was touch and go there for a while, I wasn’t hitting any significant progressive markers in my late 20s as my other peers were. But now… now I’ve mastered bill paying, credit restoration, emotional stability (somewhat) and some advances in the career that I literally pulled out of thin air and created myself because I just couldn’t fart out another resume cover letter telling people how fantastic I am and lying about how hard I will work for them. Pretty good for being a mere 338 months old.

Like seriously your kid is sh*tting in his own hand and constructing grammatically correct sentences on the floor of your prius with it and stealing organic dog treats from the bulk bins then storing them under your boob after a very public breastfeeding when he wasn’t really hungry, he was just walking up to you for money for candy but you tore your shirt off and shoved his head into your nipple anyway, then glared at everyone, demanding they challenge your right to force feed your 42 month old baby in a public arena. #FREETHENIPPLE I don’t think we need to celebrate every damn month at this point.

I’m tired of women who are stressed that they are the “biggest size” of regular sizing.

Or the smallest size of plus size.

I’m tired of separate sections in stores called Misses.

I hate the stigma and terrible fashion picks that hang over plus size giant, Lane Bryant. It’s ostracizing and gross and embarrassing.

It’s also absolutely maddening when someone says, “well they wouldn’t be plus size if they worked out.”

well guess what, nipplefart. Plus size women are out there in their husband’s over sized sweat pants, trying to get the motivation to work out, eat right, feel good, starting already in an energy deficit, and on top of that, they don’t even get high quality, high end activewear to even START in to feel good about themselves. They get Old Navy. They get Walmart.

You want a woman to have confidence and feel good enough to get out there and do something about herself so she doesn’t have to be so “disgusting” as some put it? Then put her in some Lululemon quality clothes that make her literally get up and prance her happy donkey butt out the door every single day because she’s so excited to sweat in something gorgeous. Oh wait… Lululemon won’t make those sizes.

Where the hell is she supposed to stuff her big ol nanas as shes swangin around the track? How’s she supposed to do squats without cheap cotton pants bustin’ out of the buttcrack?! What do these women even have to work out in, women who make tons of money in great jobs who don’t want to twerk their way through Walmart or Ross? Women who have class and a credit card who just happen to simultaneously do a push up and Bhujangasana, the cobra pose, at the same time?!

Well guess what. We changed the game over here. Luxury fitness is coming to those ham hocks. Get on this, immediately and share. We want as many women who are struggling with this as possible to be the first to try our new luxury, high end exclusive activewear in all sizes, especially in the sizes who need/want it the most.

“FitCandy, an e-commerce site for high-end women’s activewear, bridges the gap between standard and plus size clothing by simultaneously providing precise fit technology and the only high-end, high-quality performance activewear brand to include full figured women.”

10 Burning Fit Candy Questions Answered:
1. Yes, we sell amazing regular sizes starting from the tiniest 00 we can find.
2. Yes, bigger women DO want to work out
3. No, bigger women do not have have any high-end workout clothing options to do so, currently.

4. Yes, we provide the most elite brands in activewear and performance gear sold in the most exclusive boutiques, spas, and department stores from around the WORLD in ALL sizes

5. Yes, we have our own in-house brand being produced which has sizes for full figured women and also rivals the quality and scarcity of Lululemon products. It is an elite brand because as a larger woman, you still get to wear luxury, even if you never want to sweat in it ever and you just want to pretend like the rest of us in LA.

6. Yes, FitCandy has technology to give a precise fit and match to brands, depending on your body measurements.

7. Yes, there is a crisis between truly accepting the body we are in and doing something about it. Love it first so that you respect it enough to do something good about it.

8. Yes, women need to focus on real numbers and realistic fit so they are inspired to change. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to decrease in weight/inches, but there IS something wrong about panicking because you aren’t a size 2.

9. No, we don’t fat shame, no we don’t thin shame, but yes, we do inspire you to get off your ass and do something that makes you radiate pure sunshine out of your entire being. You know those type of people. Be one of them.

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Seriously. If you’re anywhere on the mid to north east coast in this blast out of Hades ass cold weather, be aware of the homeless if you venture outdoors.

Regardless of how liberal or conservative you are and how jaded you are and how much you think that homeless people “refuse to find shelter” and choose to be sleeping on the streets, if you see a shelter impaired human being, please dig out your little iphone 5 out of your pocket and use your special touch screen finger tip gloves to call one of the local numbers that are providing a pick up and shelter for those who have none.

Some of these homeless people are our veterans, some are just batshit crazy, some are, of course, junkies. But, honey, you weren’t so innocent with your legs splayed out in the air in college for half of Sigma Nu and you weren’t so cute wearing those same panties twice in a row last week because you were too lazy to change them when you woke up in the morning, so let’s not play judge about whose life is worth more on days when a pot of your scalding hot ramen water turns into brown fairy fart dust when you throw it into the wind because you ran outside to do it as soon as Linda Shartynipple on Fox 11 news scampered out and did it.

Here is a list of numbers for the Washington DC area and other cities. If this is not where you live, you already know how to stalk an ex like you’re in the NSA, so there should be no trouble looking up what number is provided for your area (or call 211).

Atlanta: 404-447-3678 for the Metro Atlanta Task Force for the Homeless