Sometimes It Hurts

It’s tough at times, this parenting lark. Words your child says which don’t mean what she means literally can break me, but you have to hold it together.

Yesterday she was pushed over by another child at school – it was an accident, these things happen. On the palm of her hand was some grit which had worked its way in. I tried to look at it to see if I could clean it, but she wouldn’t let me near it, too terrified of what might happen.

She was pretty tired too. When she wailed in despair

“my horrible useless body”

I had one of those moments of fear. She didn’t mean it in the same way she might if she was ten years older, and the only reason she said it was due to the grit in her hand (that’s perspective there). But still, hearing my four year old declaring her body to be horrible and useless hit a nerve. I have awful self esteem issues and I’m over conscious whenever she mentions anything to do with her body, so keen to keep her thinking she’s beautiful, normal and not horrible or useless in any way.

Because she’s a lovely perfect little girl. Every night I tell her this when she’s awake and again when she’s asleep. Sometimes she answers me in her sleep, and I like to think I’m making her think positive things in her dreams.

Then I have that moment of self-doubt. What if by telling her she’s lovely and perfect and beautiful (all truthful facts, quite frankly) I’m doing the extreme of someone telling her she’s horrible or useless? Maybe I should keep it to “Mummy’s Best Girl” ; which still sounds like the kind of thing my mum or dad said to the dogs.

She broke me last night. The tiredness and sadness and despair from her as we trundle on for one more week before Easter holidays start, mixed with tiredness from our busy lives and the fact I needed to use tweezers to try and get out the grit in her hand meant it didn’t work. That and just trying to keep her hand still was a task in itself. But it was those words “my horrible useless body” which broke me the most. The translation in her world is “the grit won’t come out”. To me it just sounds like myself.

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12 thoughts on “Sometimes It Hurts”

This post has really touched me, I’m sat with a lump in my thought (maybe its those damn pregnancy hormones I’ve got ping ponging around!) but I just think that what you have written is so true. I was bullied terribly as a child and have always struggled with my body image, and I think if my sons came out with anything like this I would hear myself too.

What a lucky Daughter to have such a lovely mummy who says so many beautiful words to her. Lovely post. My Daughter is 13 tomorrow and is dealing with all of the body, weight stuff and its hard to keep our ‘stuff’ out of their thought processes. By very virtue of the fact that you acknowledge your own self esteem stuff – that is what is going to help your Daughter no end! x

Thank you – it’s like, I know my mum spent most of my childhood on a diet and made sure we knew – I hate the word ‘diet’ with a passion because of it and consciously avoid it with H (I worked with Weight Watchers last year for six months or so) – and I never want her to hear me say I’m “on a diet” as it reminds me of my mum and her ways back then.

Well you sound lovely and very well intentioned. I have a daughter too and really worry about this stuff. My worry about telling her she’s beautiful etc. is that by doing so I’d be communicating not only the idea that I think she is beautiful but the suggestion that this is something I value in her. I have a bit of a problem with beauty as a value, and I’m not sure that whether or not the fact that I think she’s beautiful or not is the way to protect her from the violence of that standard in society.

My daughter is only 10mo so I’ve got some time to think about it! Thanks for sharing your perspective here.

It’s tricky isn’t it? I mean, she is beautiful, but she’s smart, getting her confidence (slowly) and getting to the point where things will start chipping away at some of her confident things. Having said that, she had her class assembly at school yesterday with a line to say, and she was so loud and clear, even though she seemed quite shy – she was pushing her own boundaries which made me so proud (so yesterday was lots of how proud she made me type comments!).

But then I wonder if I don’t expect as much with her being the youngest in the year too! Not that I tell her that of course.

It’s a tricky balance, but I think I’m getting there. Thank you for your comment xx

I understand how those with low self esteem want to do everything in their power to protect their daughters’ from having the same self doubt and self-consciousness.

Surely, though, if the last thing she hears every night before she goes to sleep is that she is beautiful and/or perfect, you are going to have a little girl, and then a pre-teen, and then a teenager (etc) who thinks that being perfect and beautiful are the most important qualities a girl/woman can possess.

I very, very rarely comment on my children’s physical appearance, I don’t understand how it can be healthy to do this. I tell them that they’re gorgeous, but to me and them, this is more to do with kindness or saying something lovely or just being themselves.

A true sense of self worth and confidence cannot come from being repeatedly told that you are perfect and beautiful in my opinion.

Do your daughter a favor and concentrate on her personality and brain..draw her attention away from how perfect she is, and teach her to understand that in the grand scale of things, we shouldn’t judge ourselves or each other on superficial beauty, but on wonderful personality traits instead. That way, our daughters are more likely to judge a person on their merits, not their beauty,

Oh trust me, I do concentrate on her personality and brain. This was a one-off when she hit out about her body and struck a nerve with me – it has never happened before, and it was her comments about her body failing her (which it wasn’t – it was grit in her hand) and me being caught off-guard with it all, and the memories it brought back of my own issues.

She has to work out her own confidence with as much help and support from us as parents, and just yesterday she spoke out in her class assembly – she’s been quite shy up to now, so yesterday she received lots of praise at speaking out in front of everyone (something I’m rubbish at!). But at the same time, when my little girl is asleep and I go to check on her at 11pm, I will still whisper “goodnight my beautiful girl” because that’s just what I do.

I guess as well, with her wearing glasses and having had a tooth pulled out by the time she was three, I’ve just tried to reinforce that although she’s ‘different’ she’s always and forever my little girl who I love.

Great post on a genuine dilemma. I\’d love to know the way to preserve the body confidence of my 3 daughters. There are certain things I do do: I never ever ever say anything bad about my own body opposite them, nor do I diet. I never comment on others\’ appearance by size or shape or \’prettiness\’. When others or they themselves comment on their weight or size, I add that that is the perfect weight/size for them – everyone is different etc. I let them watch barbie if they insist, but we also counterbalance by discussing what are the important things in life (and even in this I try not to spend all the time on the trad girl values of nice/kind, but also about doing one\’s best etc).

Recently I have come across three other pages online which discuss a similar issue in wise ways. One is the response from a woman who’s daughter gets called fat at school (times of Israel the other f word). Another is by a letter to his daughter by an Irish psychologist (Kelly Flanagan words from a father to his daughter from the makeup aisle). And finally the poem ‘wow’ by a fab poet called Holly McNish – she performs it brilliantly.

It wouldn’t let me post the links to these things, so I put the search terms in brackets which will get you to the exact page.

Thank you! I’m the same, must make sure I don’t criticise anything body-wise in front of her after seeing and hearing my own mum do it constantly in the seventies and eighties.

I want to get her a Lottie Pirate Doll as she loves being a pirate and I quite like the positive message a Lottie Doll has, but then again I never wanted to be Sindy shaped when I was little, so I’m probably overthinking that too! Then again she has a Barbie and Monster High doll, so we’re already there!

Ah sorry about the links thing – I will definitely google those later on and have a read – thank you for leaving the comments (and links!)xx

So sad when a 4 year old girl calls her horrible and useless. I don’t think there’s any harm in telling your daughter she’s lovely, perfect and beautiful as long as she gets the message that there’s other important stuff as well and focus on that too.

Thank you Judy! It threw me so much (mind, at school today I took a photo of a story she wrote about two of her friends which is plain bizarre). I know she’ll pick up on a lot from her classmates, but her saying that… and she isn’t either. We’ve had a week of her being proud of swimming, reading and football achievements which hopefully will stick with her, the important stuff.