A Recovery Program for Homeschool Split Personality Disorder

By Diane Flynn Keith

Do you vacillate between child-led, developmentally appropriate, interest-initiated
unschooling on one hand, and traditional, structured, academic-based education on the
other? These mood-altering swings in methodology creep up unexpectedly on homeschooling
parents and are often exacerbated by events beyond their control. I know. I am
recovering from homeschool split-personality disorder.

When I began homeschooling, I really liked the idea of unschooling. It made sense as
John Holt (guru of the Growing Without Schooling movement) said in his book,
Teach Your Own
that true learning only takes place when it is desired by the learner.

I knew that most of the knowledge I had acquired and used in my life was in place because
I pursued it. I remembered that when I was in school, and required to learn certain subjects,
I studied the materials sufficiently to pass a test and then promptly forgot most of it. So,
because I could see the truth in Holt's words manifested in my own life, accepting this unique
approach to education was enticing.

When I embraced this ideology all was right with the world. My kids were happily
absorbed in projects and experiments of their own creation. I was the happy facilitator
of their dreams. I helped them find the resources they needed to satiate their interests
in the subjects they wanted to explore.

Homeschool Panic Attack

Sometimes, though, a homeschool panic attack would disrupt this rapturous scene. Usually
it was incited by the kid-next-door who came over and said he got an A+ on his long division
test, or that he just finished writing a five-page report on the Industrial Revolution. One
time it occurred because a grandparent (after taking the kids to a movie) questioned why
the children were having trouble reading the credits that were in cursive type on
the movie screen. It had even happened when another homeschooling friend proudly shared that
her 13-year-old daughter successfully passed the high school proficiency exam.

During these episodes something deep inside me would well up and transform me into a
ruler-swinging school marm ready to "drill and kill" my kids all the way to
college. I'd announce that, "Things are going to change around here." I'd
get on the phone and order catalog curriculum products.

I'd create a schedule of subjects, neatly align the materials we'd need, and begin a rigid
program of structured learning. My kids looked at me like I was nuts but cooperatively went
along with my antics for a while. Usually about three weeks into the packaged-curriculum-product-paces
my kids revolted. They would object, complain, and beg for a reprieve.

When I was finally exhausted from the demands of lesson preparations and had been thoroughly
worn down by the kids' pitiful whining and misery my alter-ego emerged. You know, the "let's
take the day off and go to the beach" unschooler who squelched the tenured-teacher ego
and encouraged the kids to play hooky.

After a day discovering sea creatures in tide pools, watching the tide line rise and fall,
discussing tidal action and the moon's gravitational pull, examining different varieties of
seaweed, constructing sand castles, and sorting sea shells into categories, I began to wonder
why I ever questioned my children's desire to learn and their ability to learn from the environment
around them. We would immediately begin unschooling again in earnest. I "channeled"
John Holt, Pat Farenga, Grace Llewellyn, John Taylor Gatto,
and both Colfaxes to my children's utter delight and amazement.

Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde

What was going on? Well, I believe this Jekyll and Hyde flip-flopping was indicative of several things:

I had lost sight of my personal educational philosophy and engaged in a tug-of-war with what society expects and what I believed in my heart was right for my children;

I was experiencing fear of failure in homeschooling, that is, fear of traditional academic failure. I worried that if my kids wanted to go to college someday, they wouldn't have the tools and skills necessary to jump through the hoops to get there.

I was impatient. Trusting a child to learn means waiting for them to be ready to learn. Sometimes it can be a long wait for parents filled with doubt and anxiety.

I love my kids and wanted to help them become the best that they could be. And to be completely candid, I wanted to have some validation that I made the right choices and that my abilities and dedication as a homeschooling parent paid off. (I'm not particularly proud of this admission.)

The good news is that there is hope for those of us who experience this split-personality
homeschooling disorder. I've given the matter a lot of thought and have come up with (Ta-Da!)
a 4-step plan for recovery from homeschooling split personality disorder. (For those of you
familiar with 12-step programs, it takes fewer steps when you homeschool.)

Remain mindful of your personal educational philosophy. Without a map,
how will you know where you are going? You must take the time to develop your own educational
philosophy based on academic and developmental learning principles that are symbiotic with
your own sense of what is important and appropriate in education. You must also take the
time to get to know your children's unique abilities, learning styles, and personalities
so that you can adapt your educational philosophy to accommodate their needs.

If you are constantly debating in your mind other people's ideas of what your child should
learn, and how they should learn, and in what time-frame they should learn it, then of
course you are going to develop a homeschooling split personality. You'll constantly
question and test your own ideology and methodology based on somebody else's expertise.

You are the ultimate expert on what is appropriate for your children -- so act like an expert.
If you have a solid belief of how education should best unfold for you and your family based
on personal research, insight, and life experience you are much better suited for staying the
course you've chosen in pursuing your family's educational objectives. Developing a course of
study and choosing educational curricula and resource materials will also be easier if you
have basic criteria for judging study plans and utilizing educational products regardless
of the method you use from traditional to unschooling. Additionally, making a choice to
be well informed about the educational style you have selected will provide you with the
confidence you need to defend your choice to whoever may challenge it, including your alter ego.

Confront your fear of homeschooling failure. Many home educators are
haunted by questions like, "What if my son wants to go to college and can't write a
grammatically correct essay to save his life?" or "What if my daughter wants a
job in retailing but can't count change back to a customer?" Facing your fears means
admitting that there are certain skills we need to get along in life.

Giving your child the tools they need to hone these skills will alleviate some of your
fears. Determine what it is you think they should know. Is it reading, writing, and
arithmetic? It's okay to exercise your parental authority and responsibility and decide
that there are some things your child must learn, but there is a way to gently lead your
child in the process without making a bunch of authoritarian dictums. You can make it clear
that you require your child to do some work on a subject, but allow him or her room to
negotiate how much, when, and what materials will be used.

Respectful consideration of your child's learning style and temperament coupled with
consistent, cooperative effort will elicit the best results. Remember that the most
significant learning tends to take place when the desire comes from inside the learner;
when the student feels he has some control over what he or she is learning. Helping your
child manage their weaknesses while encouraging and emphasizing their strengths will
provide them with the tools they need to develop the skills necessary to accomplish all
of their goals in life.

Develop patience. We want to trust that our children will learn to
read, learn the multiplication tables, understand the rules for grammar, and spell well.
We want to believe that they will develop an interest in history, be able to name a few
U.S. presidents, know where countries, states and cities are located in the world, and
use a beaker and a Bunsen burner. It'd be nice if they would learn to speak a foreign
language and play a musical instrument too. But couldn't they please hurry up and do
it all by the age of 10, demonstrate their acquired knowledge to everyone we know, and
relieve us of the pressure of worrying that somehow they won't measure up to public
school (society's) curriculum standards?

While we may believe that they will accomplish these things (if they want to), it's
not likely that they will accommodate the time frame that would make it less stressful
on us. So we have to learn to be patient. Patience is a virtue especially in homeschooling.
As one homeschooling mom put it, "It really doesn't matter if my daughter can solve
differential equations at 12 or 21. She is taking responsibility for her own education.
And homeschooling has provided us with the opportunity to be together in meaningful
measures of time."

Define your view of success in homeschooling. Everyone has their own
definition. Since we haven't chosen the lock-step path of traditional schooling most
of us have no basis for comparison -- no barometer for success. Without all of the
traditional forms of measurement (test, grades, teacher's comments, etc.) a gauge
for our success is elusive. The quest for success can sometimes make us forget what's
really important and why we started homeschooling in the first place. Most parents
love their kids and want to help them exercise their full potential.

In our society we view achievements in academics, careers, finances, sports, and
the arts as visibly measurable ways of determining that someone has lived up to their
potential. It's tangible "proof" that our children are successful, productive,
contributing members of society. Admit it or not, our children are extensions of our
own egos and therefore their "successes" are acknowledgments that our parenting
(and homeschooling) have also been successful.

We have been conditioned to believe that these material successes are indicative of
happiness. That said, it would seem that what we really want is for our children to be
happy. We can love, guide and support our children but true happiness, like learning,
comes from within. Letting go of our expectations and fantasies for our children's
success, and allowing them to become whom they want to be is one prescription for their
happiness and ultimately our own contentment.

A lack of confidence will bring on a case of homeschooling split personality disorder
in a heartbeat. While the four steps recommended above will strengthen your confidence
and make you less susceptible to the onset of a teacher-facilitator personality
transference, there is no absolute cure. I continued to suffer from the pangs of
homeschool split-personality disorder after homeschooling for five years! I can only
tell you that it helps to encourage your children to become autodidacts -- those who
are in control of their own learning. Take joy in their acceptance of personal
responsibility and let them know that you will always be there to provide comfort
and support. Quit worrying about what everybody else is doing and remind yourself of
the really splendid and unique learning opportunities your children have had, and
trust that your pattern of learning together is just right for you and your family.