Bradley Cooper Talks Past Addictions, Being Sober, In a candid interview for Vanity Fair’s January 2015 issue, actor spoke about his struggles after his father’s death in 2011 and marking 10 years of sobriety.

Here’s what the 39-year-old American Sniper star had to share with the mag:

On how his past addictions and losing his father prepped him for his role: “Losing someone close to me. Going through love and loss…knowing what’s important. Realizing that the bottom line is that all I got is me, so it’s about time to stop trying to be something that I think you would want me to be. Or that would give me what I think I need. As you get older, thank God, your body deteriorates, but your soul sort of flourishes.”

On not using drugs to help him get in shape for the movie: “I did it naturally because I’ve been sober for 10 years and didn’t want to do anything. I had a realistic conversation. Can I do this in three months naturally? Can I gain 30 pounds of f*cking muscle? I didn’t know if I would be able to do it or not. Thank God—luckily—my f*cking body reacted fast.”

On judgement: “I see life much more gray as I get older. I was so sort of black-and-white in my late 20s. There’s right and there’s wrong and that’s it. That’s a tough way to live…. It’s rare that I judge somebody, really rare. I think people feel that, so it’s sort of easy to get close to somebody if you don’t feel judged by them.”