Jazz Ison Sinkfield is a disgusting wretch of a human. You’ve probably heard of her once or twice in the past couple of days. She’s the woman from Atlanta that thought it wise to grow her finger nails out to ridiculous lengths – 20 inches to be exact – and hopes to one day meet Oprah.

More important than meeting Oprah, however, is Jazz’s commitment to making a true fashion statement with what she considers a talent, in as much as sitting around and growing a part of your body is a talent. If that were the case, every man’s erect penis would have a blue ribbon pinned to its testicles.

This, of course, raises a very serious question on the nature of fashion as a form of art. And, of course, that question is: what the f*ck is she talking about?

Folks, I’ve spent most of my day trying to figure out what statement she could possibly be making with this display of unhygienic gaudiness, but I can’t quite pin it down. There are just too many fashion statements to choose from, any one of which could actually be the one she’s trying to make.

For example, she could be trying to say…

“You don’t need dignity to look good.”

Or…

“Contrary to popular belief, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to be completely f*cking disgusting.”

Or maybe it’s…

“Masturbating is like having a bunch of crazy straws run a train on me.”

How about…

“When I clap my hands I look like two magical rams slamming into each other.”

But, then again, it could be…

“Ever wanted to get a hand job from a bunch of snakes?”

No, because it might be…

“It’s like I’m a really trashy human…BUT WITH EAGLE CLAWS!”

Or it’s this one…

“My hands look like the Wonkamobile.”

There’s also a good chance it’s…

“Ever wanted to get a hand job from a bunch of tubas and trumpets and shit?”

And there’s also a good chance that it’s…

“It’s like my fingers are wearing really slutty hoop earrings.”

It might also be…

“I’d rather be a freak than be useful to society.”

Ultimately, it could very well also be…

“If I paint my nails black, my agent says I’ll get to play a tree in a Tim Burton movie.”