c)If their goal is free trade and peaceful co-existence, tell them that conflict propels innovation;

d)If they appear to have no long term goals, tell them to become more ambitious;

e)Note: contrary advice keeps a civilization sharp and helps it avoid the next existential filter;

6)If the aliens appear inscrutable: think lateral. If necessary, use:

➡ the Spock protocol;

➡ the Greg Egan Indices;

➡ the psychedelic drugs stash in the First Aid Cabinet;

III): Aftermath.

1)If your and the aliens’ civilizations are still largely intact: congratulations! Invite them to the Galactic Federation;

2)If your civilization is still largely intact but the aliens’ civilization is not: either offer Marshall Aid until it recovers or fence it off, and mark it as an asylum (or at least clean up the debris);

3)If the aliens’ civilisation is still largely intact but yours is not: accept their Marshall Aid or try to recover in your asylum. Be exemplary vassals (or at least clean up after yourself);

4)If the aliens are aloof, disinterested or bored: improve your sales pitch. If necessary, use Instaspam™;

5)If the aliens think they’re god: provide them with a slap and a chocolate;

6)If you behave as god towards the aliens: SLAP! And a chocolate to help you think straight;

7)If you find yourself in a completely different Universe: explore and report the results (Note: keep the quantenglement radio charged);

8)If the laws of physics have changed beyond recognition: see point (7) above, use the Greg Egan Indices and try to stay alive;

Footnotes:

(w) Help SETI from wasting time and uplift the intelligence level of the system-wide net. Perform:

➡ the Intellectual Property Data Base comparison test;

➡ the spaceweb hoax test;

➡ the LOLCAT LULZ test;

(x) Use reverse logic: tell the aliens that they can join the Co-operative of Solipsistic Minds.

(y) Help intelligence-impaired species: enroll them in the Universal Uplift Program.

(z) Test the military power of the aliens:

➡ Send in the redshirts: if the redshirts win, promote them to eternal guardian duty at the black hole of Cygnus X-1; if they lose:

➡ Send in the Shopped WorkGames Space Marines: if the Space Marines win, launch them into the Amazon Retail Jungle; if they lose:

➡ Send in the most powerful matter/antimatter missile available: if it destroys the aliens, promote Starfleet Admiral Jim White to Redneck of the Century; if the aliens ignore it:

➡ Set alert level to BERSERKER;

➡ Move away at the highest possible speed (but not in the direction of the home system);

➡ Make sure to leave behind an easily identifiable piece of missile debris marked as “Queer Forces of Gamma-Rabbit-Centauri”.

Translation appeared in the special Dutch issue of Romanian SF magazine Fantastica, March 2015;

Review quote:

An instructional guide on how to handle first contact with unknown aliens is the premise of Guidelines for First Contact in Simplified Technical English by Jetse de Vries (debut 11/11 and reviewed by Frank D). This detailed directive covers all eventualities, from the benign to the malevolent. If it doesn’t help, you never had a shot anyway.

This tongue-in-cheek offering is clever and thorough, a very well done work of humor.