'Good friends' who take but don't give; a wife's right to know; he wants to be rude about Jews

By Wendy Belzberg

http://www.jewishworldreview.com | Q: My best friend has confided in me that his marriage is in trouble, and has asked me not to tell my wife. My wife and I have no secrets, and I am uncomfortable holding back this one. My question concerns the principle of the matter. I assume that whatever I tell my friends, they tell their husbands or wives, that a married couple is considered one unit, not two separate people. Am I obligated to keep his confidence from my other half?

A: Husbands and wives are not only entitled but expected to share confidences. (Though I admit that your "one unit, not two separate people" image makes marriage sound uncomfortable and unwieldy.) That said, when someone begins by telling you that he is about to reveal news of such magnitude that you can tell no one, immediate clarification regarding your spouse's status is in order. If you don't like what you hear, there would be nothing wrong with asking your friend to keep his secrets to himself. If you did tell your friend that you would keep his confidence, you are obligated to do so. Why not go back to your friend and, assuming you can promise your wife's discretion, ask permission to share the information with her. A female perspective may be just what is needed to help two males navigate these difficult shoals.

Q: My wife and I have invited a couple to our home for dinner on numerous occasions. They claim to be good friends, yet they have never once reciprocated. Now, as we plan our son's bar mitzvah, I really don't want them to come. However, they are sure to take this as a snub and be hurt. Is there a tactful way to handle this, or should I swallow my pride and send them the invite?

A:
You could always drive your SUV across their front lawn and mow down their dog to make your point. (Of course, then your neighbors would say on television that you had seemed like such a nice man who had many friends and did a lot of entertaining.) Or you could ask yourself how you let your feelings get this out of hand and why you cooked so many dinners without mentioning to your "good friends" what struck you as unacceptable behavior. Humor would seem the best approach to such a situation: "Do you ever plan on reciprocating, or would you like to move in so we could prepare all three of your daily meals?"

Now is not the time to say what should have been said many salads ago. If you see the rift as irreparable then call the friendship quits after the bar mitzvah. But failing to invite your friends now just to make a point is to defeat your purpose. Not only will your friends legitimately feel snubbed and hurt, but it will be you and your wife who will garner the reputation for bad manners.

Q: I've been writing jokes that are Jackie Masonish with a touch of Andrew Dice Clay  pretty racy stuff. I go after feminists, leftists and Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist  especially female  rabbis. I'd go after the Arabs, but it's no chidush. Do you think I am safe from the Anti-Defamation League, the World Zionist Organization, Shimon Peres and my mom? What other enemies are foreseeable?

A:
You should remain on the lookout for the ghosts of Sammy Davis Jr., Dr. Laura, Madonna and her posse of kabbalists, and Big Bird. (No one talks about it, but Big Bird is in the one token Jew living on Sesame Street.) Don't even think about performing within spitting distance of the Western Wall, the West Bank or the White House. But don't kid yourself; mom presents the greatest threat.

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