Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Fifteen Reflections on Death

A talk given at Cambridge Buddhist Centre on Parinirvana
Day 2014

Parinirvana
day is a time to reflect on death. The reason for reflecting on death is not to
be morbid or become depressed, but in order to enhance life. Reflecting on
death gives us a heightened sense of what is important in life - what is really
important - to us individually and to the world. By being fully aware of death
we can have an experience of the significance and wonder of being alive. We
become even more alive.

I
have come up with fifteen reflections on death and sometimes I may repeat
myself - that is in the nature of reflecting on something - you see the same
thing from different angles. The purpose of these reflections is to spark off
your own reflections and stimulate discussion. After I have spoken you will
have an opportunity to break into smaller groups and explore some of the topics
further.

1.
Death is Inevitable

Here
is how Kukai puts it in his poem 'To a Nobleman in Kyoto'

Have you not seen, O have you not seen,

That billions have lived in China, in Japan,
None have been immortal, from time immemorial:
Ancient sage kings or tyrants, good subjects or bad,
Fair ladies and homely – who could enjoy eternal youth?
Noble men and lowly alike, without exception, die away;
They all have died, reduced to dust and ashes;
The singing halls and dancing stages have become the abodes of foxes.
Transient as dreams, bubbles or lightening, all are perpetual travellers.

Have you not seen, O have you not seen,
This has been man’s fate, how can you alone live forever?

This
seems so obvious. It's a truism to say 'everyone will die'. But it is only
obvious on a superficial level. It's something we know but don't really know.
Bhante recalled that he was in his early thirties when he first realised that
he was going to die. I myself was in my forties when I first had a distinct
realisation that death applied to me. It was very different from just knowing
in a conceptual way. It was more like a physical shock. I was lying on my bed
reading a Shakespeare play ( a phase I was going through) and I was suddenly
hit by the impact of the realisation that I was
going to die. It just hit me. I knew before this experience that I was going to
die, but afterwards I knew in a different, more thorough way.

It
is worth reflecting on the inevitability of death. The inevitability of your
own death and the inevitability of the death of everyone you know and the
inevitability of the death of every one you don't know. And of course the
inevitability of the death of all animals, insects , birds, plants and so on.
This is how nature works and we are part of nature.

The
purpose of reflecting on the inevitability of death is to enable and encourage
us to live a life of meaning rather than a life of escapism. It is also to give
us a sense of how precious and fragile our life is - all life is - more
precious and fragile than any beautiful Chinese vase or Vermeer painting. Death
is the only thing we can be sure of and therefore is a good basis for living a
life based in reality rather than fantasy.

2.
The Time of Death

The
time of death is of course uncertain. We may assume, especially when we are
under the age of 50, that death is a long way off and we'll have plenty of time
to think about that later. However people can die at any age - from disease, in
accidents and so on.

There
is a Buddhist practice which recommends living as if you were going to die
today. This may be too difficult but it might be worth reflecting sometimes -
How would I live if I knew I had only 1 year left or if I had just 5 years
left. This kind of reflection helps us to distinguish what is important to us.
Of course it is possible to do a reflection like this superficially, so that
you don't really get the benefit. So you really have to reflect deeply and in
detail to develop a greater degree of self knowledge with this kind of
reflection.

The
time of death is uncertain for us and it is also uncertain for everyone we
know. How would you relate to another person if you knew that they had only 6
months or a year to live.

Another
aspect of not knowing the time of death is that we may live for much longer
than we expect. A few years ago when I was in my mid-50's I noticed that I had
started thinking of myself as old - prematurely. I was feeling that I was to
old to learn new things or take on new projects. When I became aware of this
attitude things changed for me and I suddenly felt that I could do whatever I
wanted and my age was not necessarily any indication of how long I had to live
or what I could achieve in my life.

3.
The Manner of Death

In
England and Wales there are about 500000 deaths per annum and about 85% of
those are for people over the age of 65. The major causes of death are heart
disease, cancer and chronic respiratory problems. For those over 80 Alzheimers
and dementia also features strongly.

We
need to prepare ourselves for the reality that illness and death, like
everything else, arises in dependence on conditions and the manner of our death
will also arise in dependence on conditions. However there are no conditions
that will free us from physical death.

No
matter how much exercise we do, no matter what food we eat - we will eventually
have to go and it is likely that heart disease or cancer will take us. This is
not to say that taking exercise and eating well is pointless. So long as we are
alive it is best that we maintain our health as best we can, so that we can
enjoy life and do something worthwhile with our energy and life force.

We
can reflect that the manner of our death is likely to be quite ordinary and
similar to that of others - heart disease, cancer, chronic bronchitis, liver
disease etc.. By reflecting on this ordinary road to death we can be to some
degree prepared, at least mentally. When our time comes we are less likely to
be surprised or angry or have a sense of injustice. We will be able to accept
with relative tranquillity that our illnesses are normal and not some special
trial or punishment that we alone are being subjected to.

4.
Preparation for Death.

How
can we prepare for our own death? How can we prepare for the death of those
close to us? or even those we don't like?

Reflecting
on death is in itself a preparation - reflecting on the certainty of death, the
uncertainty of the time of death and the likely manner of death - all of that
increases our awareness and prepares us to some degree.

Reflecting
deeply on the values we want to live by and making an effort to live by those
values also prepares us to some degree. We are less likely to have regrets or a
sense of being unfulfilled if we live a meaningful life of growing awareness.
We can reflect on what is important to us and what we want to give our time and
energy to - and if we live by these values we are likely to feel satisfied with
our lives and have less regrets and less fear of dying. In fact we may even
welcome death - feeling that we have completed our life's purpose.

We
can also try to prepare for death in practical ways - by making a will, putting
our affairs in order, making a list of things that need to be done in the event
of our death - so that everything is clear to those who have to look after our
affairs. ( Manjusvara's example). As you get older you can also arrange to give
someone power of attorney as preparation for a time when you might be too ill
to look after your own affairs.

We
can also go through all the accumulated possessions and papers of a lifetime
and decide what we want to do with them now and what we want to happen to them
after we've gone.

Another
important aspect of preparing for death is keeping our friendships and
relationships in good repair. In the end it is love and friendship that will
matter most..

5.
Fear of Death

Why
do we fear death? Perhaps because we see it as annihilation? Or perhaps because
we have some lingering fear that there will be some judgement passed on our
lives when we come to die. Of course we ourselves will pass judgement on our
lives when we near the end. Inevitably we will look back, either with
satisfaction or regret or (more likely) some mixture of both. So to avoid the
fear of having to pass a bad judgement on our lives we need to live according to our higher values as much as
much as we can.

But
really it is our clinging to an ego identity that is the main source of fear.
We protect and defend our ego-self, trying to avoid unpleasant experience and
increase pleasant experience. And that means we keep up a constant effort to
control reality. Death is not something we can control and that which is
outside our control is a source of fear to our ego-self. By becoming less
ego-centric and more selfless we can begin to lessen our fear of death.

6.
Death as Loss

Sometimes
we find it hard to take on board that we are going to die and sometimes we find
it perhaps even more difficult to come to terms with the fact that others will
die. How can we come to terms with the fact that all those we love and care for
will one day die? I don't think it's possible to come to terms with the death
of our loved ones - if coming to terms means not being upset and not experiencing a sense of loss.

Of
course we will be upset and feel bereft when someone close to us dies. We can
accept that as conscious, loving and emotional beings we will experience upset
and grief.. However by reflecting on the inevitability of death throughout our
life, we will be creating a context in which our grief is an expression of love
rather than of regret or depression.

Sometimes
when people close to us die we may not experience being upset or grief
stricken. When my mother died after a long 5 or 6 year period of illness I
experienced joy that she had been able to let go and her physical suffering was
over. I experienced a heightened awareness of life and of it's significance.
For a week or two I was in a state of consciousness that was dislocated from
everyday activities and concerns - a kind of continuous state of contemplation.
After a couple of weeks that faded and a couple of months later I spontaneously
composed a written eulogy for my mother and felt at peace and as if that was
the final goodbye. I'm telling you this to make the point that sadness and
grief are not always the response to death of loved ones. Different conditions
can give rise to different responses and we don't need to feel that we have to
have one particular response. At Buddhist funerals of course we try to
concentrate on celebrating the life of the deceased person rather than on our
own emotional responses - at least for a time.

This
is perhaps something we could apply while people are still alive- - celebrating
their qualities.

7.
Death and Illwill

The
sixth verse of the Dhammapada says " Others do not realise that we are all
heading for death. Those who do realise it will compose their quarrels."

This
is pointing to another aspect of reflecting on the fact that we will all die.
If we are annoyed with someone or experiencing a lot of illwill or hatred
towards them, we can ask ourselves whether this is how we want our last
interaction with them to be.

We
may not be able to resolve all our quarrels and disagreements, but we can work
on ourselves to dispel our hatred and illwill. One way of doing this is to
reflect on death, which may put our quarrels and disagreements into a
perspective that makes it easier to calm down our emotions.

8.
Death as opportunity

Because
all living things die and because we are confronted with this fact in our own
lives and all around us - death is an ever present reminder of impermanence. Of
course, impermanence implies growth and life and flowering as well as decay and
death, but somehow we are able to see impermanence more clearly in endings than
in beginnings. So death, whether our own or that of others, gives us food for
thought.

When
someone dies it is a great opportunity for us to come a little closer to
reality - the reality of impermanence. It is also an opportunity for us to
appreciate life fully and experience gratitude for all that is vital and
beautiful in life.

9.
Death and honesty

In
her excellent book - Intimate Death - Marie de Hennezel tells many stories from
he work in a hospice - stories about the final few months or weeks of people's
lives. I remember one story in particular about a woman whose family could not
accept that she was dying. The poor woman felt very lonely and confused because
she couldn't talk honestly to those closest to her about the biggest thing in
her life.

I
have seen this myself - where people can think they are cheering someone up by
saying things like " you'll be up and about soon" or " you'll be
alright", when it is clear that it's not true.

Of
course sometimes it's the other way around and it is the dying person who can't
accept the truth and may even be quite angry at any suggestion that they are
not going to recover. They can say things like " you're trying to get rid
of me " or hurtful things like " you want me to die".

Honesty
in the face of the fact of death is not easy, but as in most cases, honesty is
the best policy - honesty tempered by kindness and sensitivity. By frequently
contemplating the fact of death we will become very familiar with it and it
will be easier to be frank about it. Our whole tendency and culture in Europe
tends to hide death and hide from death and that is a kind of escapism that
Buddhism does not recommend. So, let's be honest about death - whether our own
or that of others,

10.
Old Age and Death

I
looked up the statistics and in England and Wales only 15% of deaths are under
the age of 65. Most of the other 85% go on into old age. So, based on these
figures, although some of us will die before reaching old age the majority of
us will experience old age.

Old
age is a process of dying. It is, put poetically, the winter of our lives.
Biologically it is a period of decay.

Part
of contemplating death is also contemplating old age. We should try to be aware
of older people and try to be aware of what life is like for them - physically,
mentally and emotionally.

It
is good to get used to the idea that we may become less mobile or our hearing
may deteriorate or our short term memory may disappear. It can have the effect
of making us more appreciative of our capacity to walk and hear and see and
remember and it also prepares us a little for the process of aging and dying.

11.
Premature Death

Although
the majority of us in England and Wales at least, will live into old age,
nevertheless, 15 in every 100 will die prematurely and that figure will be
higher in some other countries.

So,
it is best not to think that your life will inevitably follow the pattern of
old age, sickness and death. You may die young. You may have some warning of
approaching death or it may happen suddenly.

How
you relate to death may depend on what you believe about what happens after
death. But in all honesty, whatever we believe about the after death state,
none of us actually knows. We have the Buddhist tradition, which teaches
rebirth (but not reincarnation). We have materialism which teaches annihilation
and we have theistic religions with their visions of heaven and hell.

Personally,
I have no idea what happens after death. I am curious about it and I am very
open to the Buddhist tradition. But I really don't know. If there is rebirth,
then we are experiencing it now and we can see that it is not problem free. Of
course the Buddhist position is a subtle one - there is rebirth ( or more
precisely rebecoming -punarbhava) but there is no being who is reborn.

Whether
our death is premature or comes at the end of a long period of old age, it is
subject to the law of conditionality - everything arises in dependence on
conditions and what happens after death will arise in dependence on conditions
too. The conditions that we have most control over are our actions of body ,
speech and mind. Our values and behaviour, our karma, will bear fruit in one
way or another and that is why we need to pay attention to ethics and our
mental states.

12.
Death as experience and non-experience

We
tend to think of death as something that will happen to us or to others - we
will experience death. However experience is through the senses and death is
when the senses no longer function. When we die we have no sight, sound, taste,
touch or smell. In terms of how we normally understand experience - death is
not an experience.

Of
course in Buddhism the mind or consciousness is considered to be a sense too -
so we may have a mental experience that corresponds to death - which could be
blissful or horrible depending on how we have lived our life.

But
in ordinary terms we can experience the process of dying but not death itself.

Also
from a Buddhist perspective, what we think of as 'I' or 'me' or 'my self', our
ego-identity, is just an illusion. We are a process, an ever changing process -
physically, mentally, emotionally - in every way we are a process of constant
change. There is not fixed and substantial about us and therefore there is
nothing fixed and substantial to die. There is just change and what we refer to
as death is simply another change. It's a non-experience - there is in reality
no fixed and substantial person to experience anything. To be even more
paradoxical - there is experience but no-one who experiences it. As Buddhism
says - there is rebirth but no-one who is reborn.

13.
Death is natural

We
are part of the natural world. Nature operates in us in the same way that it
operates in a blade of grass, an oak tree or an elephant. One of the processes
of nature is the process of growth and decay. Growth and decay is a natural and
necessary process, which runs through all of the natural world. Without growth
and decay everything would be completely lifeless. Because we are part of the
natural world, because we are alive, we grow and decay like the flowers and the
clouds, the trees and the wind. Death is natural and necessary and we can
embrace it in our love of the natural world.

14.
A Buddhist attitude to death

All
of these reflections we have gone through constitute a Buddhist attitude to
death.

Death
is natural and inevitable. There is nothing morbid about reflecting on death.
In fact we need to reflect on death in order to make the most of life. But we
should, of course, be in a positive state of mind when we do so. Awareness of
death can lead us to celebrate life - life in general and the lives of the
people, animals and plants all around us.

Our
sense of a fixed and unchanging self is an illusion and the death of that fixed
self is an illusion.

Death
is not a grim reaper - just a breeze that floats the leaves to the ground.

15.
Reflecting on death

We
reflect on death because it is the big question mark over our lives. It is
inevitable so it makes sense to be at peace with it. It's time is uncertain, so
we need to be prepared now. It is the background to our lives and being aware
of death we can embrace our lives by heightening our awareness of what is truly
most important for us - our values, the activities, the people and the purposes
that are really important.

If
we are aware of what is important and directing our energy towards what is
important, we will lead satisfying and fulfilling lives.

According
to the Buddha we cause ourselves suffering by craving and clinging. Reflecting
on death can help us to let go of grasping and attachment. We can have a sense
of stewardship rather than ownership towards our possessions and our bodies and
hold them lightly.

By
reflecting on death we can learn to enjoy and celebrate this wonderful life
without grasping anxiously at it. As the English poet William Blake put it,

He who binds to himself a joyDoes the winged life destroy;But he who kisses the joy as it fliesLives in eternity's sun rise.

Finally when we talk about reflecting on anything we mustn't expect that
we can reflect once and then that's the job done. No, we have to return again
and again to the same topics and allow our reflections to go deeper and take
root, like tending a garden, until our reflections flower in our lives as
wisdom and energy.

About Me

I am a member of the Triratna Buddhist Order (formerly the Western Buddhist Order). I was born in Ireland in 1955 and have lived in the UK most of my adult life. I have been a Buddhist since 1983, when I had a life changing encounter with a Sri Lankan monk in West Berlin, where I was then living.I joined the Triratna Buddhist Order in 1988.