Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Well, we're back after another quick brush with the law. Apparently asking your little girl to help daddy get his rocks off is frowned upon? The whole thing was QUITE the ordeal.

We were outplayed by Babe Truth last week, which was rather unfortunate for us. We were aching, even throbbing to win, but they simply handled their balls much better than us and were able to finish strong.

But alas, we will move on to face our next opponents, The Tyrannical Teabaggers, head on. They certainly are a mouthful! Hopefully we won't get caught with our pants down again.

Until then, we'll be putting on our war paint

and singing happy tunes to prepare for our sweaty rendezvous.

'cause you know what they say: if there's grass on the field, play ball!

Alright! Alright! Snappin’ Da Base has officially gotten our heads on straight! Like our favorite sports movie, we started out with a lovable bunch of inexperienced newbies, and with a bit of coaching and ambition, we have morphed into the kickball team that we always believed we could be.

We believe in you too, coach. We believe in you, too…

Dream Crushers are definitely going to be a team that given the right game, will emerge as a real threat. They kept us focused with some surprisingly quick runners and smart kicks that had them knocking on the front door of home plate. And our runs came from a couple of lucky kicks early on in the game. Once they recovered, they were tenacious in keeping us from getting in any more runs.

This week we’ll be squaring up against Faceballs. Get ready! We're looking for win number 2!

Monday, June 23, 2014

I want to take a moment (and by a moment I mean a whole blog post) to examine a oft-misunderstood rule in baseball and kickball that continues to cause high concentrations of grumbling, rabble-rousing, and general consternation throughout the WAKA world: the infield fly.

Now, for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the official MLB rule which many players assume is also in place in WAKA Kickball:

An INFIELD FLY is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort, when first and second, or first, second and third bases are occupied, before two are out. The pitcher, catcher and any outfielder who stations himself in the infield on the play shall be considered infielders for the purpose of this rule.When it seems apparent that a batted ball will be an Infield Fly, the umpire shall immediately declare Infield Fly for the benefit of the runners. If the ball is near the baselines, the umpire shall declare Infield Fly, if Fair.The ball is alive and runners may advance at the risk of the ball being caught, or retouch and advance after the ball is touched, the same as on any fly ball. If the hit becomes a foul ball, it is treated the same as any foul.If a declared Infield Fly is allowed to fall untouched to the ground, and bounces foul before passing first or third base, it is a foul ball. If a declared Infield Fly falls untouched to the ground outside the baseline, and bounces fair before passing first or third base, it is an Infield Fly.

In truth, there IS NO INFIELD FLY RULE IN PLACE IN WAKA KICKBALL! The rationale behind this is certainly up for debate, but the argument against the rule is that A) people drop easy pop-ups all the time and B) making a judgement call like what constitutes an infield fly puts too much of an onus on the referee to make a questionable judgement call. As it stands that's just how it is, there is no infield fly rule.

So what we get is a situation in which, if a team is both savvy enough and skilled enough to pull it off, they can act like complete, astounding, unmitigated douchenozzles and abuse this lack of an infield fly rule in order to pull off cheap double (or triple!) plays in a manner entirely contrary to the spirit of the game (and common decency).

Is it within the rules to do this? Absolutely! It's also technically within the rules to peg people in the face as hard you can while they're sliding, intentionally walk kickers, and various other douchey moves that put winning a kickball game ahead of fun and safety! If you do stuff like that...

So people. Don't be that guy. Don't be that team. Pulling intentional fly ball drops in order to turn them into double plays shall henceforth be deemed an OFFICIAL PARTY FOUL, and violations will be met with extensive write-ups in this blog detailing your personal failings in manners of character, honor, personal hygiene, fertility, and social grace, all highlighted with a collection of unflattering photographs (photoshops will be created if no photographs can be uncovered).

Thursday, June 19, 2014

If there's one thing you never want to see on a kickball field, it's an injury. Sadly, when you combine booze, a neighborhood park, a children's game, and a bunch of people who probably need to admit that they aren't in the same shape they were in college but will be DAMNED if they stop flying around like MLB players, you end up with a few bumps and bruises. And ACL tears. And bone lesions. A compound fracture or two. It's a brutal sport y'all.

Of course, the world is a dangerous place and the potential for injury is not just limited to the kickball field. As it turns out, if you try and take a work call on your cell phone while simultaneously riding your bicycle down Mary Street after leaving Corner Bar at 10:45, there's a very high probability that you will fall down and absolutely wreck your shit. SHOCKER, I know!

Such was the scene as I left the bar last night headed to Jake's car for a ride home. Smack in the middle of the road we've got a crumpled Jason Pilon lying next to his bicycle and clutching his forearm in pain. Super heartwarming to see a pair of complete strangers stop to help (I'm pretty sure they actually saw him eat it), but we assured these good samaritans that he was WAKA family and we'd be taking care of him.

Seeing an elite athlete like Jason injured is heartbreaking. It's like seeing a bird of paradise with its wings clipped. I mean look at this glorious bastard:

Ladies, take a moment to pull your panties up. I understand that they probably just dropped without you even realizing it.

A plan was immediately put into action to rescue and repair this glorious creature, and after an inexplicable attempt to fashion a splint out of some scrap cardboard and a couple of t-shirts, we got him over to the new Emergency Medical Clinic on S. Lamar and got acquainted with the staff as we settled in to set things right.

Now, Jason may be writhing in pain at this point, but that's not going to stop him from spitting game. While one of the med techs on duty was a grumpy crone that was not amused by us, Angela was a whole different story. Bedside manner for days y'all. Good looking blonde, great smile, and ready to pump delightful drugs all up in herr.

That's a connection y'all. She's only wearing gloves so that she won't be shocked by the electricity dancing between them. At first it was just sidelong glances and smiles, but once the morphine started flowing, the Jason game came alive and the compliments were plentiful. He asks for her number, she blushes and giggles, almost like she knows something we don't. A few milligrams later, there's a marriage proposal. I'm pretty sure he was only half kidding, you could see it in those starstruck eyes.

Brief aside, he really did break the shit out of his arm. Check this shit out:

Anyway, eventually Jason and Angela had to part ways. It was 3:30 in the morning, we had a vicodin prescription to fill and needed to get this guy to bed after Angela hooked him up with one last shot of morphine. A roadie, if you will.

But the romance was not over. We're maybe two minutes out the door when Jason's phone lights up with an incoming text. Odd for almost four in the morning. I assumed that it was his drug addled brain just trying to make sense of the text through his shattered phone screen that gave him such pause, but then he passed the phone to me. Here's the text:

That's right, these star-crossed lovers had already connected on Tinder, exchanged phone numbers, and had some solid banter going before he ever walked into her clinic. Truly, this is destiny. Marveling at the wonder in the universe, we got Jason back home safe where I can only assume he popped a couple vikes and started sexting.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Here's what I think about Ball So Hard: top notch humans. Originality of team name? Weak. Strength of mustaches? Depends on Rock's face. If it's anything like this rare photo, I would say he's probably getting at least 3 dudes pregnant this week:

Come on in; the water is fine.

After I created that picture and sent it out, I had a bit of a laughing fit at the reactions of those who were lucky enough to receive it in an email entitled "You're going to regret this." This was pretty much me:

In other news, Corey and I are back to being BFFs. We bonded during our horribly embarrassing 21-0 skunking at Bags (or Cornhole for you weirdos) at the Plant Your Flag party. Rekindling our friendship was a highlight of the night. Losing at Bags was not.

We finally broke out our matching outfits, though.

I really have nothing else to say for this GMOT. I'm kind of just watching MacGyver and for some reason, I'm really craving some chocolate.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

We started out strong and it seemed like we were all set to get our first notch in the win column, but alas, the Beast was not ready to be unleashed quite yet. But to watch victory get snatched away at the last second…well, you might understand if some of us got a bit emotional.

But it’s all good. This week we have another shot at victory as we go up against Dream Crushers. I’m gonna go ahead and throw down the gauntlet, and say that we’ll be the ones crushing dreams Wednesday night!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I have some bad news, y'all: Corey and I broke up as BFFs. It will probably be awkward on the fields when we don't know if we should acknowledge that we saw each other or just act like the other person doesn't even exist. It's just part of being a preteen in America's 2014, I guess. Anyway, I'm on to bigger, redder things so don't even feel bad for me (pity him, though). That's right, Red Rockets: I'm looking at you in all your weirdly erect glory.

The Legendary Red Rockets are some of the best people I know. Each and every member of their team is a combination of Zoolander's really, really good looks, Hansel's carefree and go-with-the-flow attitude, and Matilda Jeffries' incredibly sexy brains. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM. And yes, I'm hitting on EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. They're also the only team I know that will take our weird challenge to a Denim-off and EMBRACE IT TO THE POINT OF CHAFING. That's dedication. I think it's time to escalate this situation to THREAT LEVEL DENIM.

If there's one thing I know, wearing as much denim as possible is not only the most comfortable summer attire for Texas weather, but also the sexiest. I'm pretty sure all of these celebrities agree:

Hey girl, I like how that denim fannypack looks with your jorts.

WARNING: Viewing this photo while female causes ovary explosion.

WARNING: Viewing this photo pantsless causes pregnancy.

This isn't Candy Van's first tangle with a Denim-off. I don't even remember the team we were playing, but we decided the theme was Canadian Business Time and this is what happened:

WARNING: You're pregnant now. Sorry that I'm not sorry.

Do you know why I look so unhappy in the following family photo? 'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE ROCKIN' THAT DENIM.

Cardinals fan since the day I was born, yo.

Look. Denim is our past, present, and future, and it's time we start showing our love for that durable fabric by wearing as much as humanly possible.

That Kick Cray…so we may have had a hard loss the first week to Tea Baggers. But I only have one thing to say to that…

We’ve brought together some of the best talent from around the league, and we’re ready for redemption. This week we’re waking our asses up to do only one thing, WINNING. Did you get that?

This loss has made us realize how much we need to wake up and smell the coffee. We can’t just relax and let you guys take The Golden Shower. We need to get our adrenaline pumping!

Watch out you bitches, Cray is coming and is going to DOMINATE. We have Ben coming back this week to pitch, we’ve been doing two-a-days to get ready, and there is absolutely no stopping this trainwreck from drunkenly obliterating this week. Wait, you don’t understand?

So get ready world, because Cray is about to spray its domination juice everywhere. I hope you can swallow it.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Snappin’ da Base is back for what should be an epic 5TH season of play! We’re pumped!! We took our down time to gather some Perkis Power and prepare our minds, body, and soul for a season of success!

Ok, ok, sure, we had a bit of a stumble out of the gate, but our first game was also an initiation of sorts to our rookies. And what could make a better initiation than to face up with the always impressive SMK? So don’t let our slow start lull you into complacency. I don’t know when, where, or at what game.....but one day soon we’re going to UNLEASH THE BEAST!

This week we go up against Skeet! Skeet! , which if the name is any indication, it should be a partay!

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Welcome to the greatest blog on Earth: WAKA Austin's Ghost Man on Third! We'll be bringing the joy (and sometimes pain) to your inbox every Thursday afternoon. Here you'll find all manner of amusing Thursday afternoon time-wasting fodder as you daydream about 5 PM rolling around so you can ditch the office and head for the fields. Or the pre-party, as the case may be.

This whole thing works because YOU send in content for us to post by emailing us at waka.gmot@gmail.com! This is your forum to call out your teammates on their shenanigans, challenge your upcoming opponents to special rules, or anything else you could possibly want! With a few basic exceptions:

1. No hate speech. Slurs, discriminatory language, misogynistic rants, homophobic rhetoric, and anything else along those lines is going to get your post screened right into the junk mail folder. Don't be that person.
2. No extreme profanity. We're all adults here, there's no harm in dropping a couple bombs for emphasis now and then, but use your head.

Look to the right! There are every-week columns with picks and power rankings for every league! Hooray! I will be posting your messages every Tuesday, so if you send one in after that, expect to see it the following week on the blog.

If you have images to include, please insert the URL of the image in the location you'd like it to appear. Don't make us host it for you, we're hotlinking like bandits up in herr. Happy posting, happy kickballing, happy everything! It's kickball season!

Ladies. Gentlemen. I present to you, Corey, the pitcher, captain, and spiritual advisor for the Abominaballs.

Hey girl, my coolers aren't the only things that are bear proof.

I'm not going to lie to you: Corey and I are maybe the best friends anyone can be. We're always finishing each others.... sandwiches. I like to brag about it because, if we're being honest here, he's probably one of the best dressed pitchers in Austin. Do you see those cuffed jeans? That coifed hair? Someone better call heaven, because they are certainly missing an angel.

Another fun fact about Corey: he was a taste tester for Gerber before he started writing marketing material for hooker-sized coolers. I can't imagine giving up a gig like that is easy, but I'm definitely happy that he made the transition. I'm personally grateful for the switch because I think he had a big hand in bringing internet fame to my boyfriend.

I don't care what they say. Size DOES matter.

When Corey is not pitching or talking about coolers (which like, is all the time because that man loves his coolers), he's busy drinking Skinny Margaritas at Graham Central Station. He's on a constant Cougar safari and Pflugerville is his hunting ground.

Basically, I love Corey. Cougars love Corey. Each and every one of you should be balls deep in love with Corey. If you want to see how Candy Van shows our love for Corey, come check us out at 7 p.m. tonight. I'm pretty sure I don't even need to tell you what field we will be on because it will be obvious.

This is season SEVEN for PurpleSaurus Rex, and you'd better believe we're going to continue to be as confusing to play against as we've always been. Glitter. Leggings. Tutus. Aggressive hip thrusting. Dinosaur noises. The 'ol jug of PurpleSaurus Punch.

This is what we're thinking about all of you sweet, sweet Summer children right now:

Yeah. We're a little weird. But we embrace that shit. Ain't no sense in hiding who you are, and a good friend of mine taught me some important lessons about letting you freak flag fly and making sure this is the Wettest, Hottest, American Summer we've ever expereinced in TX Live:

So when you see us out there, and you're a little confused about what exactly is going on, don't be scurred. Come on over, drink the kool-aid, and dance with us! In the end, we just are who we are, and what we are is: