Enraged at Being Cut Out of the Movie, Giant Squid Devours Would-Be Watchmen Ticket Buyers

Mondays are best spent piecing together the ruin that followed in the weekend's wake. Recovering the satellites, analyzing the soil samples. And looking at the box office receipts! This week: Disappointment haunted all their dreams.

1) Watchmen — $55.7 million
It was supposed to be the biggest movie ever—or at least beat director Zack Snyder's $70 million 300 bow—because it's dark and cool and edgy and is about nihilistic politics and tits and stuff. Instead it's just one of the biggest R-rated, March weekend openings ever. Surely Watchmen's lower-than-hoped first dance is a big disappointment for Warner Brothers, which spent a hell of a lot of money and squawking time on the grim, turgid superhero alternate history. Word of mouth seemed to deal it a hearty blow, as it slipped from $25 million on Friday, to $19 on Saturday, to a sad little $11 on Sunday. Doesn't bode well for the coming weekends.

2) Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail — $8.8 million
The old girl just keeps rampaging on, waving her pistol at Rudy Huxtable. With a cool $76.5 million banked so far, Tyler Perry might be one step closer to buying those business cards that have his name on them and everything that he's been saving up for. It also spells good things for upcoming projects like Madea Takes Manhattan, Follow That Madea!, and the stirring Madea at Aulis.

5) Paul Blart: Mall Cop — $4.2 million
As the fat guy atop a Segway putters past the $133 million mark, I guess it should give us pause. What is it about the overweight rolling around on their bellies on shopping mall floors that inspires so much glee? I suppose it could be the site of a well-fed person basking in the glow of hallowed consumerism that gets us excited, nostalgic even, for some long lost era. Either that or we like bears doing tricks at the circus, so why wouldn't we like their shaved counterparts doing the same at the movies?

9) Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience — $2.8
Awww. After only two weeks out, the film sinks down to number 9. It's made a sad little $16 so far, not even half of what Miley Cyrus' concertina made in its first weekend. Does this spell the beginning of the end for our little Twizzler-limbed trio? Unfortunately, I don't think they'll go squealing chastely into that good night any time soon. Maybe they'll try to reinvent themselves for their ever-aging core audience as gritty, fuckfest aficionado rock and rollers. With new tracks like "Stop Ur Texting and Letz Get Sexing", "Sit On My Facebook", and "R U 4 86 4 EVA."