I’ll rap my reviews. Word. Erm… Whoopi Goldberg’s good in The Colour Purple. It’s a shame that the cinematography’s a little bit… Shlurple.

In a world where someone with a Twitter account can give you a full scene-by-scene retelling of Inception with the greatest of ease, one boy who didn’t even graduate from university is telling you how to feel about cinema… And he’s not even rapping.

For f- Okay, look. I can’t rap. But I do like movies. So I’m going to – as regularly as I can – write reviews, features, games, quizzes and all sorts based on film.