Monday, December 17, 2007

Maybe public confessions give you some kind of closure. Maybe they put you in place when you mess up. Maybe they make you feel so ashamed of what you have done that your inner resolve to never repeat the mistake turns things in the long run.

I think its time to confess.

Here goes.

I had about 600+ unread items in Google Reader. I began the task of reading with enthusiasm but could not sustain the energy levels. I tried my best to finish but i could not. I know euthanasia is banned, but i did resort to the 'Mark All As Read' button.

But no, wait! At the micro- level, i think (with an almost uncluttered mind) - Nah forget it. A few random thoughts swirling through my mind at the moment

To blog means to write. Write your own thoughts. Type what you feel in (long-winded) sentences giving the impression that you are one thinking specimen.

But what happens when your fingers are too slow to type what your mind is thinking? Too slow to keep pace with the thoughts swirling inside? What if your fingers are still at point A and the mind has reached E? What if your mind does not have the space and time to save points B, C and D?

B, C and D are lost. Now what? Anyways, i have no idea. I just think i have made my point. I think my fingers are too slow.

I would like to end it here. I am just so bored. I thought i should post something here. So i typed this out. Excuse the crap and move on.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Please stop playing that awful "Chak de India" song each time an India win is in sight. Please.

The tune of the song reminds me of some of those 'golden oldies' - randomly composed songs with the choicest expletives for lyrics - that served as the anthems to be sung aloud by a bunch of croaking guys, to assert their supremacy and intimidate opponents at inter-school competitions.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

I signed up for an email reminder from National Geographic Channel which meant i would get an email in my inbox that would remind me to watch an episode about the hijacking of IC 814 and the hostage drama in Kandahar in the NGC series on Combating Terror. The programme was to be aired at 9.00 am and the repeat show was scheduled to be shown at 3.00 pm. The reminder email arrived in my inbox at 4.37 pm.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Dr. Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor, was about to give a lecture Tuesday afternoon, but before he said a word, he received a standing ovation from 400 students and colleagues.

He motioned to them to sit down. "Make me earn it," he said. They had come to see him give what was billed as his "last lecture." This is a common title for talks on college campuses today. Schools such as Stanford and the University of Alabama have mounted "Last Lecture Series," in which top professors are asked to think deeply about what matters to them and to give hypothetical final talks. For the audience, the question to be mulled is this: What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance?

At Carnegie Mellon, however, Dr. Pausch's speech was more than just an academic exercise. The 46-year-old father of three has pancreatic cancer and expects to live for just a few months.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Yuvraj Singh hits 6 sixes in an over off Stuart Broad in the Twenty 20 World Cup match between India and England on 24th Sept 2007 in Durban, South Africa

Previous instances of 6 sixes in an over in cricket- Gary Sobers of Northamptonshire off left arm pacer Malcolm Nash of Glamorgan in 1968- Ravi Shastri of Bombay off left arm spinner Tilak Raj of Baroda in 1984- Herschelle Gibbs of South Africa off leg spinner Daan van Bunge of Netherlands in the 2007 ODI World Cup.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Reality is an eye-opener. It could be gross. Something you don't want to see or hear or read about, but it is there. Somewhere. Beckoning you to take notice. And act.

There are times when i come across instances of grave injustice, stories of despair and horrid tales of misfortune.

Usually, I analyze the issue, jot down the options or solutions to the way out and discuss these with a few whose input and help will be valuable in making things easier for the victim. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it does not.

The least i can do is blog about the issue. But i do not.

Which is why i loved this post. Please read it. We may have a female President but we have an issue on our hands.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

In the wake of the recent bomb blasts in Hyderabad, Government authorities are toying with the idea of recognising terrorist activities and legalising the same. Tenders will be floated in most Indian cities, and bids will be invited from major terrorist organisations from all over the world. The organisation that wins a bid for a clearly demarcated area will have the exclusive rights and permission to organise terrorist activities within the bounded limits of its allotted area. Experts believe this path-breaking step will go a long way in helping terrorist organisations find logistical, financial and infrastructural support and thus, the world will see much better planned operations. Investigations after a terror attack will be restricted to only the organisation which holds the rights to terror for the area.

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The strike by the chickens, hens, and cocks of the country has been called off. The Indian poultry is delighted since 90% of hens that had stopped laying eggs during the strike have now resumed the same. The strike was called for in protest after a major Indian embassy official referred to the opponents of the Indo US nuclear deal as 'headless chickens'. The announcement to call off the strike was made after a major Hindi news channel ran the headline "Sansadon ko nahi kaha murga" which when translated into English meant "Parliamentarians not called cocks". The chickens, hens and cocks of the country appeared relieved after the statement by the news channel.

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Bollywood film director and acclaimed academician and intellectual Karan Johar has been given honorary citizenship of Manhattan by the government of Manhattan. The honor was bestowed upon Johar after it was suddenly realised that he had done more to promote the culture of the great city of Manhattan than any other human being on earth. It is widely believed that Johar was the first proponent of the notion that whatever is cool has originated in Manhattan. After having associated the word "cool" with Manhattan, it is being speculated that Johar's next project will associate the word 'hot' with San Francisco. Rumour has it that Johar's next film has the current coach of the Indian national women's hockey team Shah Rukh Khan in the lead role with Johar himself playing the opposite lead.

Friday, August 10, 2007

We have very religious people in India. Taslima Nasreen had flower pots and chairs thrown at her. Dan Brown had to face flak over the Da Vinci Code (Da Vinci got away because he is dead). A student of art in Baroda was thrown in jail for doing his work assignment. People are so religious we even have riots where people of the other religion are burnt alive.

I wait for the day when riots will break out over other things. Like dietary habits. The day when a news report will go -

The non-vegetarians and the vegetarians were involved in a major clash today. On Highway 16, the vegetarians burnt down a truck carrying 45 non-vegetarians. The National Party of Vegetarians has regretted that a few eggetarians were also burnt in the melee. The Eggeterians and the fishetarians meanwhile, have been trying to form seperate factions of the Non-Vegetarians Alliance.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

To Victoria Beckham : Me mate Dave played one of your records backwards, and it sounded loads better

To Liz Hurley : Now Liz you is a bigtime porn star is you no?

To Madonna : Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off? But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees you, you ain't even wearing any material

To Elton John : you looked a total dic in the seventies wiv da shades but everyone looked like dics in da seventies

Friday, July 27, 2007

I have a short interest span. It is so short; i end up losing interest in the subject of my post as i approach its end. So most posts on various subjects are left abandoned as saved drafts. Which is unforgivable. And I do not have the patience to go back to them. Nor the inclination. But there is a guilt feeling somewhere.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Friday, July 20, 2007

A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused. Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track. The train is coming, and you are just beside the track interchange. You can make the train change its course to the disused track and save most of the kids. However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed. Or would you rather let the train go its way?

Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make................Most people might choose to divert the course of the train, and sacrifice only one child. You might think the same way, I guess. Exactly, I thought the same way initially because to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision most people would make, morally and emotionally. But, have you ever thought that the child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact made the right decision to play at a safe place?

Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was. This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday. In the office, community, in politics and especially in a democratic society, the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority, no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority are, and how farsighted and knowledgeable the minority are. The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined. And in the case he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him.

The great critic Leo Velski Julian who told the story said he would not try to change the course of the train because he believed that the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use, and that they should have run away if they heard the train's sirens. If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought the train could come over to that track! Moreover, that track was not in use probably because it was not safe. If the train was diverted to the track, we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake! And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people to save these few kids.

While we are all aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be made, we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one.

Monday, July 16, 2007

I have crossed a major milestone in my life today at 5.40 pm. It took me 24 years to get here. But it still feels sweet.

I got a friend request from this person on Orkut. There was no scrap preceding the request. I know girls get a lot of those, but i have decided that each time i get a random friend request i will post it here on the blog.

Now that i have got it, what more could i possibly want more ... I might as well go atop a building and jump down. Life feels like it has come a full circle.

If you want to know how fulfilling your life can be, mail that person at framework.tvcinema@gmail.com and request a friend request on Orkut. I promise you - nothing in this world will beat the orgasmic excitement you will receive when you get that friend request..

Integrity is not a conditional word.It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather.It is your inner image of yourself,and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat,then you know he never will.

***I am happy. I always am. I will always be. There are more reasons to laugh than to cry.

***I'd rather be there during the bad times than the good ones. I always side with the underdog. During the Wimbledon final yesterday, I had no favourites. However, at the end, I wished Bartoli had won. But only after I saw her tears after the match.

***Beggars are human. Criminals are human. Everyone has a soft side that is unexplored.

Friday, July 06, 2007

This blog is primarily a place for mindfarts. Mindfarts are periodic emissions of stray thoughts (garnished with sarcasm or scorn or whatever topping you choose) caused by the accumulation of too much matter in the mindosphere.

You know the feeling you get when it dawns on you that the possession you have always coveted and just very recently bought is not better than what you own currently and is not worth the exorbitant price you paid for it....

Simply put, you know the feeling you get when you have been coerced by this dude into buying this pair of jeans that looks cool in the mall mirrors but looks so 1870 when you look at it from the bedroom mirror and compare it to the other pairs in the closet...

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Nearly 100 activists of the right-wing extremist outfit Battlestar Galacticoz today barged in to the local Pao-Bhaji restaurant near the Municipal Market in the town center and smashed window panes and overturned tables, creating a huge ruckus in the entire process.

Most of the activists, clad in cheap imitation Galacticoz armor, and shouting slogans that sounded like 'Jai Batata Bhaji' and 'Jai Misal Pao', were young and full of enthusiasm in what they believed was the most important campaign in India since the 1857 Mutiny. The General Secretary of the organisation explained that the quality of food dished out at such outlets degraded national culture. Elaborating further, he said the general method of preparation and presentation was very Westernised and hence they decided to teach the owners and staff a lesson. The activists on their part believed that they were making a strong statement to all restaurant owners who did not adhere to indigenous processes and materials. Their believed their campaign will find support among the masses.

A few Galacticoz barged into the kitchen of the restaurant and bashed the cooks and cleaners, accusing them of using less sugar in the tea and using more Westernised ingredients in a majority of the other items on the menu. The activists demanded that the menu cards be altered and the word 'potato' be replaced by 'batata'. The restaurant owners however, refused to budge. They cited the rising cost for reprinting menus and suggested that the activists whack all the waiters and leave before any further damage to property ensued. Better sense prevailed after the Galacticoz were informed that the waiters were exponents of martial art and armed with forks and butter knives.

Champak Rammaiya (name changed to protect life), who owns a shoe shop in the same town center and was a witness to all the frenzied activity, said he hid all the pairs of Western shoes in his shop fearing he may be the next person under attack. In the chaos that followed, neighbouring shopkeepers downed their shutters till armed security personnel were posted in the area.

Reminiscent of the manner in which threats are issued by fundamentalist extremist Muslim terror groups to America and its allies, the Battlestar Galacticoz issued warnings to the World Bhelpuri Sellers Confederation to alter their menus to suit oriental tastes without incorporating any Western ingredients in their cooking, or else face the consequences. The Galacticoz have also issued similliar warnings to all ice-gola cart owners.

The rampaging mob left after a good 30 minutes of hooliganism, carrying with them sacks of potatoes, onions and other vegetables and fruits.

Friday, June 29, 2007

I subscribe to about 400 blogs. They are all fun. Super fun. However, there are two types of blog posts i just cannot understand -

Type 1 Blog Post -"I will be in Chammiyanagar on Jan 21, 22, 23 - I am free for coffee or dinner after 5 on 22nd. Anyone wanting to meetup can call me on 99_____"Seriously, are you so starved for company?

Type 2 Blog Post -"I will be going to Panipuri tomorrow. I plan to visit Disneyland and take all the rides. After that i will head to Dahipuri and then to Bhelpuri and blah and more blah and the whole itinerary"What is the point of this? Dont you think saying you will be out of action due to travel from (date) to (date) would suffice?

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By the way, just to inform those people who give me an average of 4 hits per week (of which 2 are mine), i am heading to the toilet tomorrow from 6.45 a.m to 7.00 a.m. If any of you people are in the area and would like to meet up, send me an email.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

M : HelloT : Is this Jason ____ from _______.M : YesT : Sir, this is _____ calling from ICICI Bank credit card division, I got your reference from our database. Sir, i would like to inform you that you are eligible for a ICICI Gold Credit Card. to help you get one, we would like to know if you have an account in ICICI Bank..(Long pause) ..Do you have an ICICI Bank Account, sir?M : YesT : Thats great. That just means things can be processed much faster. Can i have your account number sir?M : Did i just say i have an ICICI Bank account?T : YeahM : As a matter of fact, i dont. I just have this habit of saying yes all the time. I prefer saying Yes to saying No but sometimes i have no choice like now.T : Thats okay sir, not a problem. I understand you work in a private company?M : Yes, i mean no.T : Are you employed with a public sector undertaking?M : No, i'm unemployed. Must everyone be employed to have a credit card?T : Yes sir.M : Okay ... i'm self-employed.T : But the database says you work with ______ .M : Thats just a fake name of my company.T: A fake name?M : Yes. Our business model is so secret we have to protect it by changing our names so rivals cant track us. And its not the fault of your database. Its time we all be fair to computers. Even they can make mistakes. At our firm, we always respect and encourage our computers.T : So what is the real name of your company?M : 'Shootout at Lokhandwala'T : Excuse me sir, can you repeat that?M : 'Shootout at Lokhandwala'T : Can you hold on for 2 minutes Sir, while i consult my superiors?M : Sure, have fun[After about 5 minutes]T : Hello Sir?M : YesT : whats the kind of business you are into?M : Extortion. And some distortion.T : Okay. Thats good. Can you tell me more about what is the kind of work you do?M : See, we have clients in the middle east who outsource work to us, and our job is to procure resources to enhance the portfolios of our clients.T : What kind of resources?M : Bulls.T : Bulls?M : Yeah bulls. We organise 'dhirio'. You know bull-fights? [Dhirio is the Konkani word for bull-fights]T : Where is this?M : All over the world, but our main office is in Lokhandwala.T : Can you give me the phone number of your Goa office sir?M : In Goa, we work from a cowshed. We stopped using a landline. We did have a phone earlier, but we disconnected it after the bulls began to use it as the potty-place.

"Dear Miss Melanie, I know when a journalist is killed in Iraq, his or her colleagues around the world provide support and raise their voices in outrage. But where are the voices of outrage of lawyers in other countries when a lawyer is killed for doing his job? Where are the great associations of law we hear about? Where are the great law firms? . . . Where are the law schools? . . . The help we need is not only the help of the government. We need the help of our brothers in the law."Link

"He wants the glamour, the position and if there are any financial gains so much the better...but he does not want any accountability. He's always liked power without accountability - You tell me what his contribution has been. He is destructive, there is nothing positive" Link

Friday, June 15, 2007

The polite way of saying you are the best in India is to get someone else to say it. If you have been paddling around for a top job, getting a few political bigwigs to say you are the best person for the job helps. When the spotlight turns on you, just give a sheepish smile and say you are ready to accept the will of the people and if the people think you are the best, then so be it. This brings out your modesty. If there is any.

Had he been nominated, Kallu Mama would have said he is the best man for the job as well.

The best man is not the star. Rajnikanth is asked who is the bigger star? Rajini or Amitabh - Rajini retort 'I may be a king but Amitabh is the emperor' - Oh what modesty! And i have been thinking Amitabh was a farmer who keeps saying UP mein dhum hai!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Yesterday i watched TV. You may be doubting it, but let me assure you, i am a human being too. But there are times when i am so swamped with things to do, i dont get time to do some of the more mundane things most humans do. Like watch TV *Or blog*

I do have time for Nat Geo Adventure though. But that comes before 8 am. So I flipped channels for about an hour. Bad weather meant that the reception quality for most channels was poor. Rather than blame my cable operator, i chose to blame the weather and convince myself there is nothing i can do about it. This way, i feel less lazier.

I zeroed in on the soaps on Zee TV, Sony and Star Plus. The creativity and talent on display in these serials probably goes unnoticed, because there are pertinacious folks like me who refuse to submit to the charms of these soap operas. Also, i need sufficient grounds to berate Ekta Kapoor for dishing out sensitive sudsers. Perhaps i could even make a blog post out of it where i could bring an episode under my satirical scanner. So i got set for an adventure ride of a lifetime.

I got into my comfy chair, clutched a soft pillow and was all set for a good time. I decided to watch one full episode of any soap opera, without changing channels midway (except during the commercial breaks).

The task was simple. Tolerate the programme for about half an hour. Just sit through it. Life's battles are far worse and some afford no other choice and sympathy and you have to face them. But this battle proved tougher than i thought.

I failed. I FAILED.

I changed channels thrice in the first 10 minutes before severe exhaustion of the nervous system took on over at the 11th minute and i quit the comfy chair, the pillow and threw in the towel (or remote) in 12 minutes. If it was a boxing bout with each round lasting till each commercial break, it would be safe to say i got knocked down just after the first round.

I do not understand many things in such soaps. I am serious. Can someone provide me non- sarcastic, fact ridden answers here.

Why does everything happen in slow motion? Mundane things like walking, eating, talking happen so slowly. It moves at a torturously torpid tempo. Why? Why is every female character dressed in fancy dress garb? Does everyone in India dress that way? Why is everyone so polite in the serials? You can predict if the character will say positive or negative stuff based on the background music and the dress of the actor. Why?

I switched to Channel V where they were showing reruns of the Get Gorgeous auditions. The three member jury consisted of this guy in the middle of two women and he was much more feminine than the ladies put together. The tall female to his right called Pia who is 'God knows who' is from the looks of it, God's greatest gift to humankind since Eve. And whats with these people who go for these reality show auditions making a shitty drama with tears and emotional crap - Chances are even the auto-rickshaw guy wont drop you to the bus station unless you stop crying and show him the money. So go get a life. And dont act as though its the end of life when you are rejected.

So if you are a toughie or think you are one, give the adventurer in you a real ride. If you wanna test your patience, stretch the limits of your tolerance, the boundaries of sanity, then do yourself a favour. Watch the soaps on Star Plus or Zee TV or Sony all day. Thats a real test of toughness and adventure spirit. Not some crazy group of bikers riding from Alaska to Patagonia. Or climbing Everest. Or swimming through the the shark infested Palk Straits.

They pick on this issue and a headline on the bottom of the front page of the Mumbai edition yesterday reads 'Shiv Sena doublespeak on website'.

The TOI has found the Orkut profiles of Shiv Sena chief's Bal Thackeray's grandsons Aditya, Tejas and Rahul. Any relation between the anti-Shivaji and anti-Shiv Sena camps and these Orkut profiles is not investigated/mentioned.

We are told about the friends and scraps each grandson has. Thank you. Invaluable information.If Bal Thackeray has a profile on Orkut, what has it got to do with posters of Hate Shivaji communities?

And you thought people who did not bother figuring out the difference between a poster on Orkut and a cybercafe in Kalyan were weird.

The same TOI has a headline on the inside pages that goes like this - 'A Diploma In A Happening Field May Be A Better Investment Than A Five-Year General Post-Graduate Programme'

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Sunday, June 10, 2007

They - "Today is Sunday. We knew you all would be home. So we came over."

Me - "Great. The real purpose of our life which is having you over on Sunday. The rest of the week we spent in our jobs. But thats a distraction from the real purpose. Now that you are here, life begins to make so much sense. "

Monday, June 04, 2007

Goa went to the polls on Saturday. The results will be out by tomorrow noon. Amidst pouring rain, the state witnessed a 71 percent voter turnout.

I voted. For some strange reason, the guy at the booth painted my finger nail with that black ink. They normally make a mark on the nail to distinguish between those who have voted and those who have not. There was no reason for this guy to draw birds and trees on my fingernail. Probably i look like one of those dudes who hang outside the polling station, and wait for a chance to get back in again and cast another vote. I wonder if i look like a bogus voter. It must be my hair. I havent cut them in a while. Many guys in my area have long hair. But i'm the only one looking like Oprah Winfrey. Oprah does look like a bogus voter from behind. But the painting on the fingernail was bad. It will take atleast a year for me to erase that maniac's work of art. I felt like taking the bottle of ink and pouring it into his shirt pocket. Or better still, maybe down his throat.

The Assembly Polls witnessed 202 candidates battling it out for 40 seats. I'll post the results tomorrow once they are declared, which should be by noon.

Goa is a great place to live in if you are a satirist. Or if you are one of those guys who thrives on the ridiculous nature of people. Imagine the current crop of MLAs, barring a few who have not been indicted in a scam and accused of corruption (yet?), sailing in a boat to Gondwanaland and suddenly the boat sinks, who do you think will be safe?Goa will be safe.

You are given 1000 Rupees and asked to travel as far as you can for 15 days. Hitch a ride, beg for food, sing and dance for money. Do all you can but travel as far as you can get. If you think a ride like that one will be fun, you need to check this out

Friday, June 01, 2007

Here is a last ditch effort on my part, to pitch in for a rising star on the horizon of Indian cricket. From the looks of it, Dave Whatmore is set to take over the ruins (or reins?) of the Indian cricket team.

I have said what i am saying now in an earlier post. But this stupid blogger software keeps shoving it behind and further behind for some strange reason (behind in the archives i mean). We must not let Google and Blogger shove matters of national importance up Blogspot's behind.

Hence this post again for a man who needs no introduction. Because a mere introduction alone would not suffice. A man who has set precedents with his demeanour and class. A man who rightly deserves the Indian cricket team coach post but is not yet because as you all know, the forces of darkness are prevailing at the moment. The great Rajan Bala.

I strongly recommend Rajan Bala for the post of the coach of the Indian cricket team. Not without reason. But these are not the only reasons. There are countless unspeakable, inexpressible reasons that just are there deep in the trenches of every cricket lover's heart and butt. Here are a few obvious ones.

- He looks focussed. Our cricketers focus hard only at the crease, but Bala's gaze appears focussed all the time, as though he is expecting a Lasith Malinga bouncer from behind the curtains every minute of his life.

- His cricketing knowledge is better than anyone else living on planet earth in this century. Ask him any question, and he will reply with a good old Aussie anecdote.

- He heard it all when Vic Richardson took on Don Bradman, Trevor Hohns told Steve Waugh its time to pack up, Wally Hammond and Neville Cardus discussed eggs, and other instances like these. He may deny it, but i strongly feel his presence was the major motivating factor and source of strength and courage for conversation between them all.

- His name is dangerous enough to scare the Indian players off any match-fixing aspirations.

- His bald dome poses less resistance to the absorption of new ideas and enhances the concept of an open mind.

- His pointed lips resemble those of Greg Chappell. Memories of sharp words for the Indian cricketers. The lips are the source of the tips and flips.

- His stare is very very unsettling, strong enough to unsettle any rival fielders fielding near the pavilion.

Some will argue that Bala has no cricketing experience. But he makes up for it with his sharp ears, his pointed lips, his bald dome, his clear voice, his steady gaze, his unsettling stare and his very underworld-don type name.

Its time to get behind him as one nation. As one body of one billion. Painted blue.

I am a fan of reality. So most Bollywood movies are not my thing. Unless they are startlingly real. If i make a movie, the unknown and the ordinary person, born in a rugged home, slogged all his life to earn a living, loved by his family, and died a death in oblivion will be the star. There will be no dancers in colourful skimpy clothes, no happy endings, no death defying action scenes, no multiple extra marital affairs, no palatial mansions, no huge families, no million dollar business deals and the sort.

Movies for me happen only when friends get together. I have a few things to say on the movie called "Life in a Metro". Yeah, that is the name.

Its a movie about seven Mumbai dwellers who seek love and acceptance as they wholeheartedly devote themselves to their dreams. It tells everyone that people in the metros sleep around. Silly actually. Because in India, we have no such thing as sex. Its immoral. Judging by how things are going, someday sex will be banned for good. But then in movies, they have sex. So if you are in a village or remote town, and have been sleeping with the buffaloes and the cows till now, you have to progress to the next stage. Move to the metro.

The Shiney Ahuja - Shilpa Shetty angle is good. Shiney is this divorcee who finds a great friend in a married Shilpa plagued by a cheating husband in Kay Kay Menon. Shiney and Shilpa do not end up together. Thank God for that. I mean happy endings are good, but happy endings are not always real. In real life, shit happens. Life is unpredictable. Shiney is one of those guys whose acting skills are as good as his looks. But he cant beat Kay Kay and Irrfan Khan in the acting department.

Irrfan is this 38 year old who has been shunned by the female community and left untouched in all his virgin glory only to picked up by Konkona Sen Sharma, who habitually gets attracted to closet gay men in movies. Irrfan is a brave dude. He races on a horse in Mumbai traffic but that bit is trivial compared to what follows. He enters the ladies compartment of a Mumbai train to hug Konkona. I think he could have waited outside. Oh and by the way, can 60 women packed in a ladies compartment, all smile and clap with both hands? For one thing, its hard to get 2 women to agree to something. But in the movie, they will do anything to make some happy endings happier.

Kangana Ranaut - > girl you are distracting. Its hard to focus on the movie when Kangana looks this good. That run through the streets in the end was fun :-) She dumps Kay Kay, her boss, for Sharman Joshi who is the proud keeper of the only empty flat in Mumbai.

Why do Dharmendra and Nafisa Ali take so long to get out of bed? I know Dharmendra is 71 and Nafisa will be 60 in August and senility may be setting in, but still, i think they took way too long. Most kitchens in Panjim restaurants close at 3.00 pm, and no amount of explaining the perils of senility can get the restaurants to delay their kitchen closing time. Anyways we did get lunch in the end. If Nafisa had died a little later, maybe we might not have.

What is it about some people who watch movies by getting so absorbed by them? It feels like they are inside the movie. They watch it with open mouths. The mouth gets opened wider and wider as the movie progresses. So wide, it feels like they are out to swallow the screen. Any screen where you can spot the nose hair in the actors is not small. Its like watching a tennis match and turning your head side to side as you catch up with the words emanating from the character on the left and the one on the right. A nudge is not enough to bring the lost souls back to reality. You can eat their popcorn and they wont notice. Sometimes its good to shake them for half a minute till they come back to reality and tell them its just acting. Its not real. Remember playing house as a kid and playacting. A bit like that. I had to remind Kunal in the middle of Rang de Basanti that the gun shots and the deaths was all acting. That guy gets inside the movie. I thought he would run to the screen and start shooting at the police officers with an umbrella or a pen for a gun. Thankfully, no gunshots in this movie.

Topi - Thats the Hindi word for cap. Thats also what they call a condom in the movie - A Topi. Is there a Hindi word for condom? I am not sure, but i have a feeling i have figured out the reason for our burgeoning population. Imagine this conversation between A and B

Name the only player to have appeared in Test matches in both rugby and cricket for New Zealand.

He represented the West Indies in cricket and lawn-tennis, and also won the Trinidad & Tobago table-tennis singles title in 1949. Further to this, he also made it to the Trinidad & Tobago team in basketball and soccer. Name him.

India has been served by two players both in hockey and Test cricket. Name them.

Which Test cricketer has played soccer for both New Zealand and Australia?

The son of which cricketer represented his country in Rugby U-17 and Test cricket?

Which fast bowler was given the middle names Alexei and McNamara (after the Soviet and American politicians) by his father whose name was Kissinger? His sister is named Golda.

Which Indian cricketer is also a fingerprint expert?

The 1996 Wisden records say that "fried calamari stopped play" during a South African domestic match at Paarl in February 1995. What happened?

Which country other than Australia did both Mark and Steve Waugh both represent?

Who played against Brian Lara when he scored his 501 not out, and was West Indies' 12th man when he scored his 375?

After having found a place in the Australin team as a wicketkeeper for the 1890 tour of England, this cricketer tells the management that he has never kept wickets before once the team had safely embarked on their voyage. Name him.

Find a relation between the Toronto Blue Jays and the Indian cricket team with respect to the members.

An accomplished cricketer and coach, he devised Zimbabwe's car registration system and his sister captained the Zimbabwe women's field hockey team which won the gold medal in the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow. Name him.

Born two months prematurely and afflicted with meningitis when he was a few months old, he was given only a one in four chance of survival, but survive he did. However, although it was not realised for some time, he was left totally deaf by the disease. When he was four, he had an operation to regain his hearing. The operation was successful, but left him with terrible coordination difficulties. He was consequently some way behind his age group when he went to school. He worked as a installer of refrigeration and air conditioning units during this period of his career. He is related to a famous golfer. Name him.

Which big hitting all rounder has the name of an island country for a middle name?

She played 7 tests for Australia. Her brother played 41 Tests. Her husband has stood in 10 ODIs. Name her.

When he took the wicket of Michael Vaughan in his debut test, he became the first bowler for his country to take a wicket in his first international over. He died in a motor accident and is now the youngest Test cricketer to have died. Who is he?

Besides Graeme Hick, name the only other Test cricketer who was born in Zimbabwe but represented another country in tests.

Dave Whatmore and Jehan Mubarak are related in some unique manner to Sri Lankan cricket. How?

She was born in Canada, and played for Netherlands and New Zealand. Name her.

He played football at under-18 level for Scotland, and cricket for three countries. Name him.

Who is the the only known Test cricketer to have been executed?

Clayton Lambert and Faoud Bacchus have played international cricket for the West Indies and also played for the USA. Name another West Indian ODI cricketer who now plays for the USA.

Name the West Indies cricketer who has served as the Speaker of the House of Assembly and the President of the Board of Education in his country.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Here are 6 things to remember if you are a 'young, handsome and smart' also called as 'YHS' males who travel alone and are actively on the hunt for travel partners (preferably female) for sharing and friendship and blah-blah-blu-blu and the like..

1) If you go out alone at night, and are walking on a lonely road to your hotel room, make sure you roll your eyes in all angles and keep your ears open for any movement that occurs in the bushes and trees beside the road. Some sex-starved female ape could pounce on you and bite your **** off!

2) When you have the inevitable option of choosing a female travelling partner (its obvious that a YHS guy will have them banging the front door down), be very careful. Most females will only look to sleep with you. Obviously, the whole world knows that a guy like you will not be looking for something physical, but incase she takes more interest in you than in the tourist attractions, dont worry. Do Swami Ramdev's Relaxasan. Very helpful.

3) If a female (actually any living creature that even remotely resembles one) offers to buy you a drink at this happening pub/disc/bistro, always refuse. You never know the drink could be spiked with some lame Viagra type intoxicant. If at all she insists on buying you a drink, tell her to come the next morning at 7 am outside the local railway station and buy you tea from Ramu's tea-stall. Ramu only puts water in the tea and there is never a chance of any unwanted addition except for sugar. (To be on the safer side bring on your sugar, very cheap, half kilo only 8 rupees)

4) The message"Hi friends, My name is Billoo and I am mid-40s smart young handsome male looking female for travelling and also fun and adventure. Reply soon"you posted on the Travel Forum will attract a lot of replies. So make sure you regularly check your inbox and delete once you read, so it does not get full and you dont lose out on important emails later. Do not give your your name out in any email. You can give your phone number though. Maybe you could attach a snap of some Hindi film actor. Most YHS look the same. Approximately.

5) If any girl or hotel roomboy makes fun of you, learn to take it well. Remember to laugh. Sense of humour is appreciated always, especially by female travel partners. Keep your confidence high. You are YHS - Young, Handsome, Smart. But what really matters is if you are male. If you are male, that is 60% of the battle won. You may not be very Young, very Handsome, very Smart but these are all not as important as you being male. You must be a complete male like that person from Raymond's Suitings Advertisement.

6) Adjust your underwear through your pant like no one is watching and fart like no one is hearing. Whether it is sweaty arms, or a dome-shaped belly, just be yourself. When you get to the beach in Goa, make sure you enter the water with your shirt on your body. Dont expose your body cheaply. Our culture will not allow it. In India, our moral standards are high.

Happy travels and fun and adventure.

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You have been searching on Google for "female travel partner". Dont say no. You naughty one. I can see it in your eyes. Ok, here's the scoop. On the 31st page of the search results in the 4th link that is displayed, you will come across a wonderful and one-of-a-kind site called www.i-am-a-female-travel-partner-and-you-can-have-me-now.comTry that site. 100% guaranteed satisfaction. All problems solved.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,the Germans dont want to go to war,guys named Bush and Dick are in charge of America,the next guy who could be in control has names that rhyme with Iraq and Osama and a middle name 'Hussein',K-Fed teams up with Paris Hilton while Britney teams up with Sanjaya Malakar,and i decide to write fiction.

My first attempt at fiction. I know its small. All great things start small anyway. Even Sanjaya Malakar was a tiny sperm cell one time.

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Once upon a time, there lived a boy.

He asked a girl he liked 'will u marry me?'

'No' said the girl.

And the boy lived happily ever after.

He played cricket and soccer and golf, went fishing, went out at night, partied, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

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Inspiration for the above work of literature was derived from a text message i received this morning.

"Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: He was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. He doesn't let you off that hook. Christ says, No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: 'I'm the Messiah.' I'm saying: 'I am God incarnate.' . . . So what you're left with is either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase. . . . The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me that's farfetched." Full Article here

In a couple of forthcoming posts i will

1) Explain the logic and reasoning behind Jesus Christ. Who He was? why did He die? whats the logic behind it all? was He a lunatic?

Given the rate of copulation and the subsequent increasing population, i think we could do with 835, 971 more social networking sites. Then, we can have so many friends and friendships and so many more fraands and more fraandships!! Wherever you go you have a friend.

Go to Ibiza and you have a beach babe of a friend there.Go to Alaska and you have an Eskimo friend there.Go to Ceres and Eris and you have friends there.Go to the toilet and you have a friend there.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Say NDTV conjures up a 'special' programme on domestic violence. Not BDSM. Cruelty to kids and wives and husbands. With the focus on the movie 'Provoked', the story of Kiranjit Ahluwalia is explained, and facts and figures furnished about the rising instances of wife-beating cases among Indian families both in India and abroad. After all the startling, blood-chilling facts are presented, they conduct an interview and ask the interviewee more about the incidence of domestic violence. Whom do they interview - Not the Southall Black Sisters or some PETS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Spouses) - They interview the intellectual and strong social thinker that is Aishwarya Rai.

Along similiar lines but a change of subject. Lets talk about our battered cricket team. Serious issue, and a posse of intellectuals with just the right mixture of cricketing experince and no cricketing experience. Some depressants are less agonizing than others. NDTV had their INDIAN CRICKET OPINION POLL or some similar name of that sort on Good Friday. I have been watching NDTV for a while and if you are a NDTV novice, you must understand that they take their opinion polls real seriously. Their recent opinion poll on the UP Assembly Elections and the subsequent predictions of a hung assembly, combined with the constant prodding by head honcho Prannoy Roy about the sample size employed and the accuracy of the poll left both Mayawati and Mulayam no maya to cling to and nothing mulayam to lean on.

Coming back to the topic of the GREAT INDIAN CRICKET OPINION POLL (or was it GREATEST?), the panelists were NKP Salve, Kishore Bhimani, Rajan Bala, Navjot Singh Sidhu and Ajay Jadeja. Whether the one hour long discussion threw something new in the fray, discovered some hidden secrets, or zeroed down on the cause of the Indian team's fall at the World Cup depends on each person's perspective. If you are like my 51 year old aunt who has never watched a single cricket game in her life, i'm sure you will find the discussion very enlightening.

But the point is not about NDTV. Its about a rising star on the horizon of Indian cricket. It about a man who needs no introduction. Because a mere introduction alone would not suffice. A man who has set precedents with his demeanour and class. A man who should be the Indian cricket team coach but is not yet because as you all know, the forces of darkness are prevailing at the moment. The great Rajan Bala.

I strongly recommend Rajan Bala for the post of the coach of the Indian cricket team. Not without reason. But these are not the only reasons. There are countless unspeakable, inexpressible reasons that just are there deep in the trenches of every cricket lover's heart.

- He looks focussed. Our cricketers focus hard only at the crease, but Bala's gaze appears focussed all the time, as though he is expecting a Lasith Malinga bouncer from behind the curtain every minute of his life.

- His cricketing knowledge is better than anyone else living on planet earth in this century. Ask him any question, and he will reply with a good old Aussie anecdote.

- He heard it all when Vic Richardson took on Don Bradman, Trevor Hohns told Steve Waugh its time to pack up, Wally Hammond and Neville Cardus discussed eggs, and other instances like these. He may deny it, but i strongly feel his presence was the major motivating factor and source of strength and courage for conversation between them all.

- His name is dangerous enough to scare the Indian players off any match-fixing aspirations.

- His bald dome poses less resistance to the absorption of new ideas and enhances the concept of an open mind.

- His pointed lips resemble those of Greg Chappell. Memories of sharp words for the Indian cricketers. The lips are the source of the tips and flips.

- His stare is very very unsettling, strong enough to unsettle any rival fielders fielding near the pavilion.

Some will argue that Bala has no cricketing experience. But he makes up for it with his sharp ears, his pointed lips, his bald dome, his clear voice, his steady gaze, his unsettling stare and his very underworld-don type name.

Its time to get behind him as one nation. As one body of one billion. Painted blue. With Pepsi bottles in our hands. Its time to say "BERMUDA ke saath khelega toh jeetega"!!!!

About Me

Mid twenties :-) Nondescript Goan! Originality turns me on. Routine turns me off. A square peg in a round hole. Try to be unfazed by what i see around me. Seldom succeed. My life changed when i was 16. But that's a long story. Interested in too many things for my own good.