How to communicate when the kids just aren't listening

It was time for bed, and the kids were wild. We went through the usual bedtime routine, but there was electricity in the air.

“Go to sleep!” I called from outside the bedroom as Lizzy and Jenny giggled in their beds. They quickly stifled their glee, but I heard talking a few minutes later.

“Go to sleep!” I called from my computer as Lizzy and Jenny’s muffled voices floated downstairs. All was suddenly quiet, but then I heard talking yet again.

I thumped up the stairs with my best “disappointed” face, walked into the darkened room, and crossed my arms.

“I am very disappointed,” I chided. “I have told you a thousand times tonight to be quiet and go to sleep. I don’t want to hear another word. Is that clear?”

Silence.

“Is that clear?” I asked again. “Lizzy?”

Suddenly I heard a snore. I peered into the darkened room and looked closely at the beds. Jenny was sawing logs, so she obviously wasn’t the culprit. But Lizzy was nowhere to be found. They had both missed my Oscar-worthy performance. (A few minutes later, I found Lizzy watching TV with her dad, and they both got in trouble!)

Sometimes kids just don’t listen. In our day of intrusive media, multitasking, and constant change, sometimes it’s hard to get our children’s attention. But here are three subtle strategies to help you cut through the noise and actually communicate with them.

Lower your voice. Kids listen better to deeper voices. A recent study published in March 2012 in The Proceedings of the Royal Society B found that people with lower voices are perceived as more legitimate authorities. In this study, participants listened to voices of men and women asking for votes—and they chose the candidates with lower voices. So when you want to get your children’s attention, try lowering your voice, not in volume but in tone. I use this strategy all the time, and the difference is notable. You’ll have to try it yourself to believe it.

Sing it. This is a pretty unorthodox way to get a child’s attention, and it is not for the faint of heart. But if you’re willing to put up with some eye rolling, it can be quite effective. First of all, it definitely gets my kids’ attention. And second, it keeps my mood positive. It’s impossible to yell at your kids when you’re singing to them. And every once in a while, they’ll sing back.

Be specific. Blanket statements don’t work well with my kids. “Go clean your room” is usually met with, “Mo-om! It’s not even my mess — can you help me?” Instead, “Jenny, please go pick up your clothes from the floor and place them in the dirty clothes bin” is a lot more effective. For my younger children, dividing large tasks like cleaning a room into smaller tasks is easier for them to manage. And they’ll suddenly find that overwhelming task doable, which gives them an additional dose of self-confidence.

My kids may not always obey, but they do pay attention when I employ one of the above listening strategies at home. I just have to warm up my voice before I start the day — and make sure they’re in the same room!

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Amy Osmond Cook, PhD, is a freelance writer and mother of five who writes a family relationship column for OC Moms, the Orange County Register's parenting section. She is the author of several books, including "Hope After Divorce" and "Why They Believe."

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