Month: October 2016

At the Montreal JCW (Jewish Community Watch) event in November 2015, I heard several people telling their stories of abuse. I was so empowered that I wanted to get up and tell my story even if I started the night in tears afraid of telling people that I was abused. I have always felt a sense of shame for being abused and that I shouldn’t talk about it because I would be drawing uneccesary attention to myself. I am not speaking up because I want attention, I am speaking up because it is so empowering!!! I do not have to be ashamed that I was abused. It’s one step in the admission that it WAS NOT MY FAULT!! I was 9 years old, how could it be my fault. At the event, I bfound out that some of my friends were abused as well. It is alarming that in one evening, I found out about 3 more people who were abused. I am speaking up as part of my healing and as a message to others who may have been abused that you do not have to remain in shame. It helps to reach out and talk about it, start to get the help that you need. You will see what a difference in makes.

This entry probably comes most from my heart and I hope you sense that. Am I really resilient if I’m contemplating suicide? I’ve made it through hell and back, well maybe not back yet because I’m still in hell. I’m still suffering so many consequences of my upbringing. That’s probably the most sad part. My whore of a mother is living her life thinking she’s always right and I’m the crazy one. She put all this pain on me and she’s fine living her day to day life!!!! Its just not fair!! This is the aftermath of rape people. No means no!!! Imagine this scenario. Two people in a room, one says to the other “do you want to have sex”, the second says “no”, the first says “awwww, come on”, the second still says “no.” Imagine the person asking for sex continues to ask and the second person finally says yes. Guess what dumbass, look up the word respect in the dictionary because you don’t understand its meaning. The person said no, respect it and move on (which is not my rape story). I am so freaking angry at my life right now. I was taught that I am worthless and throughout my life I’m still trying to find some sense of acceptance, for somebody to say “you are ok just the way you are.” Why am I still waiting?! Why not kill myself because that acceptance is not going to come. Yeah of course I could try to practice self acceptance but thats obviously easier said than done. It all feels so overwhelming right now. Nothing seems to be doable. I see myself as resilient because I’ve kept moving on with a smile but now I just don’t know if I can but you know what….that’s ok. Damn it, I’ve never lied to you, I have been resilient but today I most definitely am not. I’m not bouncing back stronger as I usually have. I’m ready to throw the towel in. I found a great site that helped me today. It’s called suicideforum.com and man, was that ever a great find! I did try to kill myself in 1992 and that in itself was hell. I know how low someone can feel. I know it feels like there really are no other ways around it. So, I’m asking is suicide an option? Hell no!!!!! This too shall pass, we will get through this together AND there are ways of getting through this. But dammit, sometimes that line is so thin and I keep teetering, unsure which way to go. I had an extremely close friend who did kill herself in 1993 and the sad loss of her life does not get any easier. I am dedicating this post to her, my dear dear friend Louise Schaffer in hopes that her loss will bring so many more gains and save people from that awful place in our heads. Lets do this, please, lets help each other when we are low.