The Scarlet D: 7 things going through divorce is teaching me

Unsolicited advice sucks. You know the phrase, “opinions are like assholes, everybody has one,” well that is pretty much spot on in this situation. The voices in my head are enough to sort through without adding a spectator’s commentary. If you have a loved one walking through this indescribably difficult experience, do your best to just listen, love, affirm them as an individual, and bring wine whenever possible.

Single moms are badass. Every one of us who has had a husband with a crazy work schedule, who doesn’t think he should do housework, or has never changed a diaper…it’s not the same! If I ever get married again, I will avoid single mom jokes like the plague. Having a hubby who spends most of his days off on the golf course, cannot compare to doing it alone. I make the meals, clean the messes, manage the finances, enforce the rules, force them into the bathtub, monitor screen time, respond to the “whys”, carpool to and from activities, and do bedtime ALONE. Solo trips to the grocery for just milk and bread? Nope. Saying “go ask your dad” when I’m trying to meet a deadline for a client? Nope. Having another adult around to back you up when total anarchy ensues? Not happening.

Me time is not just “okay” it’s necessary. When my kids go to their dad’s every other weekend, I miss them. I stay busy to avoid sitting around the house wondering if I even have a purpose. That being said, I cherish this time. I get to choose what busy looks like. Self-care is something I failed at big time when I was married, and I suspect many of us moms put it at the bottom of the list. Children are amazing and they are exhausting. It’s important to embrace and cultivate the things that make me a person separate from my kids. As cliche as it sounds, I really am a better mommy when I take care of me.

My children won’t die if ______. Trying to make it through every day with a gentle demeanor- protecting the innocent victims of our fractured family- is hard enough without stressing over every hot-button mom issue. If the sweet mom at the dance studio gives my kids a high fructose corn-syrup laden granola bar, I’m going to smile gratefully and thank her (it’s their daddy’s dinner night, so they are eating late). When my kiddos want to huddle around the iPad and watch an hour of unboxing videos on YouTube, I’m going to let them so that I can shower in peace for the first time in 3 days. Sometimes I just break and all of the stress and emotion come out in the form of biting my kids’ heads off when they ask for a 3rd snack 15 minutes after they finish lunch. When this happens, sometimes we all shed some tears, enjoy some snuggles, and let out some things we have been holding in. Other times, I take a deep breath and apologize, then lock them out of my room while I have a 10 minute timeout with my friend Moscato.

My reality is not THE reality. When you live inside of something long enough, you think that’s just the way it is. I’m learning that my perception does not dictate what’s real, but it does tend to determine my response. Having your entire life change directions opens you up to seeing different points-of-view. I’ve noticed that the more willing I am to embrace change and recognize the blessings and growth opportunities I’ve been given as a result of the past 12 years, then I can be open to the possibilities that lie ahead.

I need my tribe. While I have always considered myself fairly independent, I have always felt that we all need community. I could not make it through this process without my friends and family by my side. As painful as the realization is that everyone you thought was for you just isn’t, it’s also a gift to know you are surrounded by people who will fiercely love you through any circumstance. Divorce is ugly, so if your people stay true to being your people through it, then you know they are legit!

Everyone has their own scarlet letter. My counselor (yep, I do counseling and I highly recommend it) says that nothing cures you of being judgmental quite like getting a divorce. I’ve lost any sense of thinking it’s possible to fully grasp anyone else’s life situations enough to tell them how to “do it better.” I know longer look at Facebook and Instagram and think I can adequately assess what’s in a person’s heart based on what they post. We all have stuff that we are dealing with, hiding from, or learning how to handle. The beauty of humanity is our diversity, our ability to learn and adapt, and our capacity to love. Getting divorced probably could’ve closed my heart off to others, but I’ve found that it has opened it up more.