Battleship Opens Worse Than John Carter

Let us enjoy this Brooklyn Decker gif and then never speak of this film again

I like to pretend that I’m smart and that I can predict what people are going to do, but of course I can’t, and almost every day shows me new ways that I can still be surprised by people’s stupidity. So while I’d love to say all along that I knew a movie based on a board game was a stupid idea of epic proportions, I just saw a commercial that said NCIS is the most-watched show on television, so what the hell do I know? I don’t even know someone who knows someone who watches that show. In any case, we were right this time, so let’s enjoy it: turns out Battleship really was a stupid f*cking idea. It grossed an estimated $25 million this weekend, on a budget of at least $209 million, not including marketing. For comparison, John Carter, which cost $250 million, and supposedly lost $200 million for Disney, made $30 million in its opening weekend. So, another way to put it is, Battleship got outgrossed by a movie that lost $200 million.

"More like BattleSHIT." -Gene Shalit's ne'er-do-well brother

Battleship already made $215 million overseas, and supposedly that’s going to mitigate the losses here, but I’d like to see how much they paid in advertising to make that happen. The ads were everywhere, even starstruck foreigners don’t see crappy alien movies unless you’ve beaten them over the head with it a couple million times. Any way you look at it, it looks like a loss.

And I’m sure there will be plenty of blame to go around, from Peter Berg to Taylor Kitsch (the poor bastard who managed to star in BOTH Battleship and John Carter), even though it’s not their fault. All to avoid the obvious truth: this was a really, really, really stupid f*cking idea for a movie. Like, really stupid. From the very beginning. But of course I’m biased. I don’t want Peter Berg to take the blame for this, because I would miss interviews like this one. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, Peter Berg should direct ALL of Hollywood’s idiotic, destined-to-fail crossover ideas. HURRRR, THESE FIG NEWTONS HAVE GREAT NAME RECOGNITION, SOMEONE OPTION THIS SNACK DRAWER.

You may noticed thatWhat to Expect When You’re Expectingtanked pretty hard too. Could it be, that this one weekend kills off TWO crappy movie ideas? Both the movie-based-on-a-board game idea AND the movie based on the non-narrative bestseller? Probably not, but a girl can dream.

No one get TOO excited. This isn’t the first time they’ve produced a terrible movie that was just dumb enough for people to realize it was going to suck. G.I. Joe turned a profit, enough of one to warrant a sequel.

G.I.Joe is a franchise with an actual narrative tho, and it looks like someone realized that for the sequel. Battleship is what southern cousins play at family reunions when there are too many people around for Hide The Torpedo.

“Hey mom, it’s me, Taylor, you’ll never guess what’s happened?! I just got offered the lead role in not one, but two big budget sci-fi blockbusters! And they’re gonna be released really close together, so that people will definitely notice when I’m the lead in two super successful movies!! It’s finally happened mom, I’m gonna be a movie star!”

“Hey mom, it’s Taylor. The last few years have been rough for me in Hollywood, I know… but I’m finally back in a big movie! I just landed the role of ‘Guy who accidentally gets jizzed on’ in American Pie 7: The Jizzening! And boy is it shaping up to be even more hilarious than…. hello?”

As a german speaking fellow myself it really bums me out there’s no english expression for that humble feeling. Every day I start with the thought: “Oh boy, I hope I get me some schadenfreude today.” It’s more of a way of life than a single word. Hm.

Universal had to stand by while Paramount was hoovering the dollars with the transformers trash so when someone pitched the idea of a tranformers-like movie, of course the Universal honchos jumped at the chance.

Unfortunately Universal picked the wrong horse.

After being burned like this we can surmise that Universal is going back to standing on the side and watch Disney and Paramount hoover the blockbuster dollars…..

Peter Berg if you happen to read this I liked it, my friends liked it, the whole theater cheered and clapped several times so F everybody who’s all “it was a stupid idea for a movie.” Aliens fighting big boats is actually an awesome idea for a movie so shut up and go watch some supposedly smart movie starring the likes of Maggie Creepy Face Jake’s sister if you’re so above it. Slack jawed fagg*ts.

why are people so hung up on the idea that Battleship the game didn’t translate well into the movie? they should have called it something else and you bowtards would not have reacted so strongly. I watched it, it was corny, but entertaining, almost as much as Avengers. I am not a fan if Rihanna, but her performance was salvagable, it wasn’t a huge distraction. It was a decent overall story, was a much better movie than The Dictator, by far.