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April 11, 2013

DIY - Bedtime for the Princess

The other night, while trying to get her ready for bed, I introduced what I felt were improved (albeit improvised) processes to her bedtime routine.

Needless to say, this ended in catastrophic failure.

So, once again, I asked the M.O.M. to prepare detailed, step-by-meticulous-step instructions as to the proper procedure to meet our monarch's bedtime expectations.

I did not anticipate a 15-step process.

1. Place a clean diaper, 3 wipes, the bottle of lotion and a set of pajamas on the master bed.

2. Prepare her evening bottle of milk. Set it aside on the dining room table. Place her pacifier next to the bottle of milk. Please note: you can only do this within a 10-minute window of beginning the bedtime process or else the milk will cool beyond the acceptable limits and she will adamantly refuse to drink the now poisonous substance.

3. After her milk has been prepared, announce it is "Jama Time!". You have to make this announcement in a voice full of excitement and joy because Pajama Time is supposed to be fun! On some nights, she will allow you to hold her hand as you walk to the room. However, if she does not offer her hand, do not attempt to hold it; you have been deemed unworthy of such a honor probably because of some transgression from earlier in the evening.

4. When you walk into the bedroom, she will run away. This is a fact. You have to let her run away at least once. Pajama Time is a game. And she is the only winner.

5. After retrieving her from one of three possible "hiding spots" (in the corner of the master bedroom, underneath the dining room table or behind her hands), pick her up and say "I found you!". Do not say this in a "scary voice". A "scary voice" is any voice that scares her.

6. Gently place her on the master bed and start to change her diaper. She will attempt to roll away. This is part of the game but you are allowed to stop her. However, your attempt to save her life as you stop her from rolling head-first off of the bed cannot be too forceful. Or else you will anger her.

7. Take one of the 3 wipes and give it to her. This will distract her and buy you enough time to finish changing her. Say "Feet!" when you want to put her pajama pants on. Say "Arms!" when you want to put her pajama top on. Try and make sure she doesn't eat the wipe. She's older now and should know better but, every so often, she likes to throw a curve ball to make sure you're paying attention.

8. Once she is fully changed, pick her up. You are no longer allowed to put her down for the remainder of the evening. Hand her the previous diaper and carry her to the kitchen so she can throw it out.

9. Now it's time for her to tuck her brother into bed. On your way towards his room, turn off all of the lights in the living room, tune the television to The Cooking Channel, grab the pacifier from the dining room table and hand it to her. She will smile and thank you. Alternatively, she may grab the pacifier and throw it. She finds this option particularly amusing.

10. Allow her to say goodnight to her brother. They have their own Special Goodnight Process. She will give him a high-five, followed by a kiss on the cheek and then they will give each other an "Eskimo Kiss". Walk to the bedroom door and close it gently. But do not close it fully. She will need to open the door one more time so that she can blow him a final kiss and wave goodbye. This will complete their Special Goodnight Process.

11. Grab the now perfectly warm bottle of milk and sit down on the couch together. At this point (and only at this point) take the plastic cap off the bottle. Hold the plastic cap in front of her. After a few seconds, she will remove her pacifier and place it in the plastic cap for safekeeping. She will then grab the bottle of milk and start drinking. Please note: you are not, under any circumstances, allowed to remove her pacifier; she needs to complete this step herself. If she does not remove her own pacifier, the bedtime routine has been irrevocably destroyed and she will spend the next hour reminding you of your arrogant incompetence.

12. When she finishes drinking her bottle of milk, she will not say a word but will simply hold out the bottle for you to take from her. Do so immediately; if not, she will simply drop the bottle onto the floor and it will roll underneath the couch. Hand her the plastic cap and allow her to retrieve her previously stored pacifier. Once she has grabbed the pacifier, quietly replace the cap.

13. These next moments are the most critical. She will be in the hazy, blissful confusion caused by the magical combination of milk and sleepiness. Do not make any sudden movements or noises. If she has decided that she wants to fall asleep in a position that is uncomfortable for you, just deal with it. The terrible pins and needles of your arm "falling asleep" under the weight of her head is nothing compared to the terrible sound of an angry and sleepy baby monarch.

14. Only when her breathing has become regular and heavy are you allowed to check to see if she's sleeping. If you attempt to check if she's sleeping prior to her actually falling asleep, you will anger her.

15. Once you are positive that she is fully asleep, figure out a way to stand up from the couch and transfer her to your shoulder without killing yourself in the process. Walk her to her room, lay her down in her crib and quietly back away. If the mood should strike you, stand at the door and admire the precious little angel who has deemed you worthy enough to be her father.