PROOF: Systema no-touch Chi stuff really does work

Physics stuff that's probably all wrong anyway

Does anyone remember the Apollo missions? I certainly don't, seeing as I hadn't been born, and wasn't even close to being born. But the Apollo missions had a serious problem to overcome. You see, the Command Module (that cool funnel type thing that they came back to Earth in) only had enough fuel and supplies for about 2-3 hours independant flight.
Now that may not seem like a problem until you start thinking about the makeup of the Earths atmosphere. You see, if you hit the Earths atmosphere at, or close to, escape velocity you will just bounce off. Kind of like when you throw something really really hard at a pool of water, and rather than sink it bounces like Pammies tits during the Baywatch title credits.
Of course, Apollo had already done a burn to slow down by the time it hit the atmosphere, but it was going fast enough that if it hit at the wrong angle it would just skip across the surface of the atmosphere (like a stone skimming over a pond) and would end up taking around 2-3 days to reach the ground. And when you've only got 3 hours oxygen, 3 days is perhaps a shade too long.

Here is a very quick attempt at a pictorial representation of what happens when you hit the Earths atmosphere travelling at escape velocity:

As you can see, slap bang and that motherfuckers off to places new.

But how does this all apply to Systema? And why the hell do you care??

First things first, I guess I might aswell look at the application in regards to Systema.
Now, I'm sure it hasn't escaped your attention that Mikhail Ryabko is a really fat fucker. Cue a whole load of generic fat jokes:

"When he goes to the cinema he sits next to everybody!"
"If he wants to fly, a C4 Hercules is the only plane with a door large enough, and even that's a tight squeeze.""He's so fat he has smaller fat people orbiting around him."

Hold on, that last one very nearly hit the nail on the head. Because not only is he so fat that smaller fat people orbit him, but he is sooooooo fat that he has developed his very own atmosphere, and I mean atmosphere in the the very real, very ionosphere definition. And all of a sudden things become clear.

Remember the earlier picture of what happens if a spaceship hits the Earth's atmosphere travelling too fast?? Well, here's another, only applied to Ryabko, the fat fucker.

As you can no doubt see, the net result is the same.

But how on Earth is it possible to go at Ryabko at escape velocity when that's Mach 25?

Simple, by using extremely twisted logic. You see, the escape velocity for the Earth is Mach 25. But because Ryabko is a little bit smaller his escape velocity is going to be a lot slower. And because of the power of Systema he has developed ways of making his escape velocity a NEGATIVE velocity. Oh yes, even if you are moving away from Ryabko he has the POWER to turn your away movement against you and still cause you to bounce straight off of his atmosphere.

Little Known Fact

The Russian Space Agency is completely bust - no money whatsoever. So how do they launch all of those space tourists into orbit?? SYSTEMA. Yes, our mate Mikhail gets paid in Vodka and Scotch to stand close enough to the rocket that he can use his amazing skills of negative velocity to make the thing bounce off his atmosphere so hard that it flies into space. I know it's hard to believe, but it is true. A Systema student told me so.

How can I develop my own atmosphere, so I too can learn "th3 r34l Syst3m4"?

Well, you need to get, errrm, seasonably plump. Otherwise known as really fat fuckeritis. The best way to do that is to eat lots of this:

plasma, from what I have heard Peter Griffin is one of the grandmasters of Systema. But seeing as he is currently involved in a major lineage war with Ryabko there is some debate as to whether or not Griffin has "th3 r34l" Systema. According to Ryabko, Peter Griffin's atmosphere is merely a result of watching too much TV. And we all know that no-one can learn an MA purely by watching TV.
Of course, Griffin says that it doesn't matter how one develops the correct atmospheric conditions, and it is purely the amount of gravitational x atmospheric forces that determine whether or not something is Systema. However, to try and avoid frivolous lawsuits, Peter Griffin has changed the name of his art to distinguish it from Mikhail Ryabko's Systema, Griffin calling his Systaymer instead.

You misunderstand the concept I beleive: while Griffin is a large enough mass to generate the gravitational pull required for orbit, only dedicated Systema eating and flatulence practice can build up the required atmosphere :qgaraduat

Holy ****, that was funny!! I had to admit that I was a little tentative about reading this thread, but it was SO worth it. It also goes a long way toward explaining why systema practioners all bow toward Ryabko several times a day - it's simple gravitational pull.

"Reason is a choice. Wishes and whims are not facts, nor are they a means to discovering them. Reason is our only way to grasping reality -- it's our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking, to reject reason, but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss we refuse to see."
- Terry Goodkind, "Faith of the Fallen"