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Author
Topic: Dating/HIV question (Read 4844 times)

I just found this site and I think it is great. I hope many people are finding the support they need. Hopefully, I can find the same. I am negative and i've been dating a guy four about 5 months now. One month in to the courtship he found out that he is hiv positive. It was a big ordeal, a lot of crying and breakdowns. He expected me to leave him but to my surprise I continued dating and the feelings grew even deeper between the two of us. He recently broke up with me because he said that he could not have sex with me out of the fear and love he has for me. He says that he couldnt live with himself if something were to happen to me and he couldn't do that to himself. Once again there was a lot of crying and he even confessed that he loved me. He told me that even though i'm a blessing in his life, I will never know what it feels like to be in his shoes. So i'm seeking guidance from individuals here who are actually in his shoes. I was and still am wanting to date him, have sex with him (we haven't had sex since he found out his status) and go to counseling with him. I never thought he would be the one to leave me. Any advice for me, how can I help him? What should I do? Is this a normal phase?

Whitney; Welcome to the forums - thank you for supporting him. I'll try to answer your questions to the extent that I can, although I think you know that we all process this differently and the best person to answer your questions is your friend.

First, is this a normal phase? From my perspective, yes - I was in a relationship of nine years when I was diagnosed (partner is negative) and expected her to leave me, I thought about leaving, but we are still together. I will say that I am freaked out about transmitting to her and our sex life has taken a huge hit. I think the fact that we have been together as long as we have helped us stay together.

How can you help? I think you are doing what you can here -

First, get educated yourself and then help him get educated. Many of us react to this disease out of ignorance (me included) and the best remedy is knowledge.

Second, be supportive, again I think you are -- he may process this differently than you, he may need some time to go to counseling himself (which I highly recommend), he may need some space one day and need to talk the next. Everyone is different, but my experience is that it will take at least a few months to let this sink in and start to think straight -- again, that is my experience. I also went through a wide range of emotions (and still do to a much lesser degree) of feeling like I really made a big mistake (and my life couldn't be what I thought it was going to be) to knowing that -yes, this was a mistake, but it was a basic human thing that allot of people make and this disease is very manageable.

Third, it will take some time to get his arms around the whole medical thing - getting CD4 and viral load test, evaluating when and which medications to take, learning about the whole medical/insurance side of the disease.

I know that these are not concrete answers - I hope it helps a little, and I wish you both well,

I'm glad you found us and maybe I can help you to understand what may be happening right now. For most folks, testing poz is a life altering event. It can take months, even years, for folks to adjust to being poz and that journey can be extremely challenging and difficult. A common feeling is that once you are poz, you are dirty or unclean and that nobody will ever want you, because you are poz. Others include guilt over becoming poz, self-loathing for being poz, fear of the unknown, in terms of health, dying, being able to work and enjoy life.

The greatest however, is that feeling that you have let down all the important people in your life. That because you are now poz, you have damaged your life beyond all repair and it's unfair to ask others to share your deserved misery. It's an incredible onslaught of thoughts and emotions that takes time to process.

Sadly, the first year of being poz is generally a constant roller-coaster of emotions and the reactions to all of this, affect each of us differently. Now add all of this, to the fears of infecting someone you care deeply about and you have some major conflicting emotions.

My guess would be that your boyfriend is pushing you away for many of the aforementioned reasons, because right now, he is so overwhelmed with all that is happening, that he is unable to think clearly.

So what can you do? Tell him that you will stand by him and if he needs some time to adjust, you understand and you will do all you can to help... and then take a big step back. Right now, there is only so much you can do, as he needs time to start processing all these thoughts and emotions and again remember, he's simply overloading on emotions right now.

The best thing for the two of you is to have honest communications and to allow yourselves to feel, whatever it is that you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it. Just because we think or feel something, does not make it true and emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are.

You folks need some time to adjust and the best approach is to remain flexible and supportive and to accept that there are simply some things in life, over which we have no control. You cannot make him stay, however, I'm not so sure he wants to leave, but I suspect he believes he is doing what is best for both of you.

Your part in all of this, is to be as supportive as you can, while leaving him enough breathing room to begin to sort this all out. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I promise it does get better. It just takes time and with someone as special and supportive by his side, I suspect you will both come through this together.

Thank you all so much for the advice, it was much needed. I just left from visiting with him, once again we were both crying crocodile tears. After hearing more from him and reading the responses here I have a better understanding. He really is going to need time to adjust to all of this. He admitted to me that he has been putting up a front with me a lot because he didn't want to scare me but he is still very much distrubed by his status. He still thinks its best for us to be friends while he handles this and I will be there to support him as best as possible. I want to be in his life regardless if it is as boyfriends or just friends. He needs the support. Once again thanks guys, I will not be a stranger to this site and will keep you all updated. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the one giving advice some day to someone who will be in my shoes.

Thank you all so much for the advice, it was much needed. I just left from visiting with him, once again we were both crying crocodile tears. After hearing more from him and reading the responses here I have a better understanding. He really is going to need time to adjust to all of this. He admitted to me that he has been putting up a front with me a lot because he didn't want to scare me but he is still very much distrubed by his status. He still thinks its best for us to be friends while he handles this and I will be there to support him as best as possible. I want to be in his life regardless if it is as boyfriends or just friends. He needs the support. Once again thanks guys, I will not be a stranger to this site and will keep you all updated. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the one giving advice some day to someone who will be in my shoes.

What you described is the ultimate goal of these forums

Logged

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

You have told us that you and your bf were having sex before his diagnosis, and you tested negative. You also told us that you had been using condoms - and that proves the point that condoms prevent hiv infection. That's all you two will ever need to do in order to protect your own hiv negative status. Seriously. It's as simple as that.

In addition, once he starts meds (or if he is already on them), when he achieves an undetectable viral load that is added protection for you, as a person who is UD is very unlikely to transmit their virus.

In fact, poz/neg couples today are having healthy, hiv negative children "the old fashioned way" - and the negative partner remains negative - when the poz partner's VL has been UD for at least six months prior to trying to conceive. (an added caveat is that both partners are also free of other STIs)

Please read through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them correctly and with confidence. A correctly used condom rarely breaks.

Hmm... I've just re-read your last post a little more closely and realised you are two guys. I'll let what I said about poz/neg couples having negative children stand, as it illustrates how much an UD VL protects against transmission.

The best thing for the two of you is to have honest communications and to allow yourselves to feel, whatever it is that you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it. Just because we think or feel something, does not make it true and emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are.

^^bears repeating^^

Keep standing by him, albeit perhaps from a little bit of distance for the time being. Good luck; if you two are meant to be together, there's no reason why hiv should stop you. There are countless poz/neg couples out there who enjoy life (including a sex life) with each other. No reason why you can't as well.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Thank you so much Ann. We spent the day together, did some more crying but it's getting less and less. We spent the majority of the day having fun and catching up on some of our favorite shows. I'm going to honor his wishes by taking a step back on the relationship and simply being his friend. He's still very confused, he knows he wants to be with me, but it's just too much going on right now for him. Do any of you guys know of any great self help books? He's an avid reader and I want to give him a book that will give him some encouragement.