Here’s a letter from Nancy – with a situation we’ve all been in. She wants to be honest, open and forthcoming with her man of 6 months, and yet – it’s all about “where she’s coming from.”

If you have to tell a man he’s “hurting” you by backing away and appearing to “lose interest” in you – what can you really get from a “discussion” about it?:

The Question:

“Hi Rori,

I’m feeling big-picture confused about how to handle my relationship situation and would really appreciate your take on it.

On the one hand, it’s taken me almost 3 years of being single to meet someone I like as much as this guy, and feel so compatible with on so many levels. And for the first 5 months of our relationship he was doing and saying all the right things in terms of helping me feel happy and confident in our present and future. I don’t want to blow what seems like a very unusual connection and chance of future happiness.

On the other hand, I do still feel like he’s being a bit cool and distancing himself and I’m feeling really hurt and let-down and neglected. He didn’t contact me on Saturday and there has been a very definite temperature dropping change in how he is towards me.

So I feel like I really need to have a direct conversation with him, understand how he’s feeling and what he’s wanting or not wanting, and communicate that I’m feeling hurt and let-down and neglected. I feel that without talking to him directly, I’m really condoning his behavior and not letting him know that I need him to be different with me if it’s going to work out. I don’t want to keep feeling so sad and confused and neglected.

Practically, I feel like I should request a plan of when we’re going to see each other after next weekend in the next few months, as without a practical plan, with our busy schedules and living apart in different cities, it may continue like this and that means it wouldn’t work out. In June for example we planned to see each other every weekend and that was wonderful and we got closer.

However, I think that according to your system and framework (and I’m watching your Commitment program), you don’t suggest having a direct conversation about where the relationship is going and what I want that I’m not going. But can the situation really change and improve if I don’t communicate how I’m feeling authentically?

And you say it’s good to express feelings. But not sad or neglected or hurt feelings?

I would really appreciate your advice as I’m feeling confused and stuck.

Thanks! Nancy”

My Answer:

Nancy – Here’s the thing: Build Attraction first – then talk.

In other words, if he’s pulling away because he feels pressed and smothered, and because he can’t get to the inner Nancy in “general” because you’ve covered her up in everyday life, and his attraction to you has faded a bit – the time to “open up” is NOT in talking about the relationship!

It’ll just reinforce WHY he’s pulling away – AND, by the way – he likely doesn’t even KNOW why – he’s just not feeling it when he feels pressure to commit.

“Condoning” behavior doesn’t apply to “interest.” You can’t make a man more interested in you by not approving of, or not condoning his lack of interest.

He’s either interested or he isn’t.

You can’t make him love you by “telling” him to.

There are no ultimatums for or insisting on “love” that are possible in this world.

Commitment, however, is another matter (depending on his consistent level of interest).

AND you can’t make a disinterested man commit.

You have to interest him first, and then request commitment later.

However – if what you want is a man who is unwavering and committed, then approach him and discuss the relationship before you rebuild attraction – and your chances of pushing him further away rise to about 80%, but at least you’ll know and be able to move on.

I personally think six months is WAY too soon to do that.

You know me – I’m all about Circular Dating until the ring (if that’s what you want).

If you’re going to ask a man “yes or no” – the only answer a man who “isn’t sure” can give is “no.”

It’s like insisting a cat stay on your lap because you want it to. It doesn’t work.

Yeah, you’re right, it’s your cat. You feed and shelter and love it.

By all rights and reason, it “should” – it’s “supposed to” – sit on your lap.

And – though that might work with some dogs (he may eventually learn to sit on your lap out of fear, even if he doesn’t “want” to), it sure won’t work with a cat.

Training is training. You either hit the person, cat or dog – or you entice it with food, safety, fun and affection.

(And if you smear yourself with catnip – you’re way more likely to have that cat on your lap.

In my world, the ONLY option that’s discussable in this situation is to simply NOT be exclusive!

If you approach him with:

“Exclusivity means this to me (fill in the blank here)….and if this isn’t where we are right now, then it would feel better to keep my options open until you know what you’d like to have with me. Otherwise, I’m likely to lose my cool…I’m already starting to feel (fill in the blank here)…and I don’t like feeling that way….what do you think?”

…That would be a fair and good conversation – and I’d be 100% supportive of this “No Girlfriend Speech.”

And yet – you have to be ready for it!

That’s why I want you to start Circular Dating BEFORE you discuss this with him, so you’re not thrown a curve ball.

That said – I don’t believe you can make a mistake!

So – Love to you, and please do what feels best for you. I know you’ll do fine, and no matter what – there’ll be learning happening.

I feel in a very unsettled, tenative place. Unconsciously I have been pushing all the feelings around it down too. It is beginning to really bug and chase me. Sometimes I feel the overwhelming feeling of anger, discontent and fear all wrapped into one big nausiated ball in the pit of my stomach. I have attempted to sink down into the soup of all of this so I could really understand it and heal this. I have attempted to write here about it and the words have not come. In great frustration I have just deleted them and stuffed things back down.

Meanwhile, life is going on all around me. Some of what is happening in my world daily feeds the discontent.. some of it relieves it temporarily. In the midst of that I go to work, continue to see FavoriteCD, be a grandmother and mom. In this time and place in my life right now I can not seem to quite keep a grip feeling happy and peaceful.

Two weeks ago broke things off with FavoriteCD. He repeatidly has gotten mad at me about various things. His behavior pattern with it ?… he becomes quiet.. broodie and gives me the cold shoulder/silent treatment, while being warm and talkative with complete strangers, neighbors and friends etc. I posted about one such episode a few threads back. Even though we have talked about EACH event thoughrougly… he repeadily chooses to behave the same… Okay I reached my limit… simply put, it is just something I just do not want in my life. On top of that is I was feeling afraid to tell him things. Funny… what we discover is or becomes a “Deal Breaker” sometimes.

I feel really proud for enforcing my boundry. I feel really good about my communication my issues
My speech was not blamey..it was full of feeling messages…it was concise and un negotiable. “I simply was not willing to accept being treated as he was choosing to treat me” I told him I had begun to feel afraid of telling him things because I did not know what would trigger him … and that I fear felt really bad and was also something I did not want in my relationship” I ended with…” this is not about any issues or current circumstances (he knew what I meant), my decision to walk away from this is based solely on how you have chosen to treat me …you dont have to change, your feelings and choices are yours… I simply will and cannot do this anymore” . BAM there I did not explode or stuff.. I faced my giant spoke my truth without expectations..it was what is was. I and walked away.

He back peddled.. appologized.. told me he knew he was being very difficult. Asked me to reconsider… that he loved me and did not want to loose me. He said he sees himself married to me and in his future. Hes dated alot of women.. he knows whats out there and he has found what he has been looking for all his life….. Asked me to start again…

It has been two weeks…I am still seeing him…. I feel differently though. I am waiting to see what happens, I feel tenative and lots of other stuff all grouped in a big wad. sigh

This was a big lesson I had to learn. To STOP all forms of relationship talk when he was pulling away from the pressure. Honestly these days I rarely want to talk about the relationship at all. I’m more interested in building closeness, and I’ve learned there’s a bit of a fine line between sharing your feelings and pushing a guy away. For me, I think the difference is oversharing I can feel panic and anxiety in me.

I don’t want to do that any more. I’ve learnt to curb it and sink into myself rather and the desire to talk has gone away, and he has come closer. He has come closer I believe because when I’m with him, and when we’re talking, I focus on sharing the juicy wonderfulness of myself. I focus on what I love about him, and I make being with me a safe and inviting place. This is easier I think because I know I want to be with him. I think I’d find it harder with a man I was unsure about.

@Lisa last thread – yes me too feminine with the strength of a warrior

the story – the very very abbreviated version – close friends and a sexual relationship – conflict over the form exacerbated by the fact I want a baby in my future – his historical stuff/my historical stuff – i have been leaning back and a rather whimsical CD’ing (quite disciplined on the looking after/loving me and retaining myself as single and available not very proactive with actual dating) – maybe i have been doing opening, vulnerability, safe space because he has been too and there has been moving forward – very close – i couldn’t manage the contradiction of that any longer and opted for no contact – he doesnt want that hence the last two days – i’m going to surrender to trusting him and trusting myself he knows how i feel and that i won’t continue with the way things are…meanwhile i shall continue with myself as me-focused siren (as i shall for evermore)

@ Linda – I was thinking of the last line of this post by Rori when I got to the end of your post – there is no wrong only learning – I was thinking that because I heard that you had done something different in your situation – something that you felt proud of and that felt like a shift

talking about the relationship feels so exhausting; being in the present moment and enjoying what is feels delicious

I am in the soup with expressing feelings right now; the man in my life would like me to share more with him; he feels they all come out sideways because I don’t share them as I go along but I don’t process my feelings very quickly and I don’t always want to be bringing up a downer when I prefer what you are saying Indigo to be enjoying the moment

I was in a bad mood when a CD contacted me and wondered if I’d like to go on a date, so I answered very standoffishly (bitchy to be honest) and scared him away. Now of course, I regret it, since I really do want to go on a date with him. BUT since he isn’t likely to contact me by himself again, I’m at a stand still. Do I contact him and tell him I feel weird and embarrassed that I took out my anger over something else with him, or is that leaning forward (since I’m contacting him)? Should I just write this off as bum experiment and move on?

I have had a very similar experience with my boyfriend. He has completely changed since I started doing this. He is doing all the things I wanted because I am not asking for them, not focusing on them and appreciating him for who he is. It has been wonderful. <3

Both I think Indigo – he is sensitive and can feel it – he feels it before I’ve had time to work out what it is

also I let lots of little wobbles pass because they dont feel important at the time and then it all seems to get expressed by one big trigger and he feels taken by surprise cos he didnt know about the little wobbles

even I don’t necessarily know – maybe i need to work on baby communication when I feel big triggers eg I feel a big trigger I dont yet understand it I would like some time to process I will let you know when I understand…

I think he would prefer that more than thinking everything is ok and feeling later that I was withholding things from him

interesting post!! I wonder if there is a “point of no return” in relationships that means nothing can help because he is in his way out already. I feel this could be possible and feel afraid of that sometimes…let’s keep optimistic and thanks to all!!

The night before last I did some feng shui space clearing – emptied a drawer, made some space on the shelf in my wardrobe, and cleared some space where things were hanging up. I also cleared some space with the photos I have up around the house (making space for a man).

I’ve also got my man/relationship list which starting the night before last I’ve been reading out loud just before I turn out the light.

Then last night I get a text from a guy I thought had disappeared. HMMMMMM

I feel so much better when I’m not hyper-focused on a man. I’m feeling hyper focused, body tense, fists wanting to grasp. What’s really going on with me? I contacted strep, & was pretty out of it for a few weeks, missing some work, & loads of dance classes. I’m just now getting back to my rhythm & energy level. My exboyfriend & I have reconnected, my mother had a double mastectomy last Friday (partly her choice/partly taking proactive measures in her battle with breast cancer). She’s now a survivor. I leave to see her & family tomorrow. I haven’t seen her since Christmas. This feels so shaky. I feel tapped out in alot of ways. Head spinning. I need tools to stay grounded while I’m away.

This advise sounds so submissive to me! men are hunters and they will fight and do anything to make you fall for them; once they have a hint you fell for them they will withdraw to see if you are what they want. it has nothing to do with what you do or don’t do! it is a game of hunting for a man… Play them like they play you!

I know this comes from anger and frustration; I feel angry and frustrated with men… I want to cd without attachment; then I end up attached to someone and I screw it all up, because I get hunted. Ugh!

“L” called this afternoon… I answered his e-mail from yesterday late last night… I’m learning that you really DO have to reply to a man’s movement forward. When I answered his e-mail he called me this afternoon… Interesting…

“A” will be a friend.. but interesting one to chat with and do things with…

“M” another “M” not the same “M” is very intrigued with me… so not sure where that will lead.. though not attracted to him, he is ready for long term… he commented on my reading attachment theory and said he is happy to hear I’m reading it… so we’ll see…

Meanwhile I’m still crying… still hurting… still missing him… but I’m moving on… nothing else to do really… DO NOTHING …. and date..

CaptainCD is a player, yikes he got me good. when I first met him, I didn’t feel attraction towards him, but I thought if I give him a chance, he will cherish me, because I am so out of his league! I am better looking smarter etc. etc. Then bam!!! he played me! Next time I will go for my 100 percent man; they will play me anyway (maybe not) but at least I went for what I really wanted…no more chances to self proclaimed nice guys! I am going for the gold and no more chasing bronze!

Relationships aren’t difficult, feeling the ability to change and say” this is the life I want and be committed to” is what is difficult.understanding of what encompasses the situation is vital.a cat can sit on a persons lap and feel comfortable but cats are easily distracted by many things,like anything that moves. They are perceptive but like to take inventory of what they have at their disposal as a resource for their kitty lives. Cats may understand or not that those things they have could spoil, like milk. They don’t comprehend that the refrigerator will make it last and stay fresh, therefore making the refrigerator an intricate part of a functioning sustainable asset for their little cat lives. .. Relationships are like teeth, ignore them and they go away.
I love my ex, I want to be with them yet if there isn’t a willingness to express that towards me especially in “contemporary ” ways like a call or text I really can only assume whatever I assume. And meanwhile old feelings of the past have opportunity to arise and that feels great. It doesn’t mean I care or feel any different toward my feelings for my ex but when It all boils down what’s left is that a person wants happiness, and feel secure but to have that sometimes we have to act on it. I’m not picky really and am open-minded when it comes to compromise. I say if you love someone then for Pete’s sake tell them. If not then tell them. You could be surprised that they will step up and not use it to control the relationship. Coco

I do not like feeling sorry for myself; I took a chance; I tried, it hurts but it is my ego and my “drug withdrawal”that is kicking in, I am attached and now I know I wont get the drug anymore. But I am having this pity party, thinking all men suck, hope is lost…

I have to stop thinking about the forever after about being with a man, a specific man… perhaps my forever after is being with different men, and then let them go when they want to, and just say to myself “it was his time to leave” Instead of looking for that connection – the one people talk about in movies, books, dating advice websites etc., I should just let go of it.

I have been here for quite some time… almost three years. I found this site when I was doing everything wrong with an imaginary relationship and here I am making similar mistakes… but during that time… I met “D” who helped me forget about “imaginary” then I met several one date only men, then I met “S” who kicked my a$$ and made me see things about myself I was ignoring. Went back to Cding again and met Captain… he is full of emotion but tried to not show it, he’s immature and I admit selfish. what did I learned from him? well so far to ask for what I want, to be honest and to accept that I am still vulnerable and that I will make mistakes, trust people and get burn again, but I will be fine…

I texted like a million things to captain after I found out his lies, I may have acted differently, use fm’s lean back etc. but captain was already telling he was gone, I was holding too hard and I didn’t realized it was over. I am glad I said what I needed to say, right now I don’t feel good about it, but one day I will look back and I wont regret not saying something.

I have dated before and the men in my 20’s never distance themselves, never hid, this is an epidemic in my dating cycle. I ned to get back to my 20’s girl and see what I was doing that I am not doing now.

I ned to cry so this heaviness in my chest goes away! I feel tired of chasing pavements, I want to feel cherish!

I was so busy, and lost track on the last thread, so I’m just starting here.

CollegeCD is texting me every day and also talking to me on the phone sometimes. I love the attention. Very sweet and nice. We have plans to get together on Sat. and he sooo excited its cute.

In the meantime, I have done basically no text/talk to GS. BOY has he noticed. He texts me something, so that HE WILL FEEL CONNECTED, not because of me or how I feel. He is really noticing that I am just not there anymore. I sometimes text back sometimes not, and usually a one word answer. If it doesnt relate to work, I dont answer at all usually. Amazing how that works.

Its ALL TRUE. Once you get your own life, get involved, get busy, for REAL…….its amazing how the vibe and dynamic changes.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK: Get the Guy. Its AMAZING. Tons of stuff like Rori in it – from a guy’s point of view – amazing amazing amazing.

Well I now feel really down after reading Dr Pat Allens getting to I do.

As I just do not feel able to make the choice over role is best for me and do what she advocates as I am not either of those things I just would not be able to live like that and be happy and be me.

So it feels best not to let that book define my choices. As neither feel good or right for me. Some of it I feel able to relate to. Most just felt too black and white in this colorful world though.
To me the world is more like a rainbow than this.

Talked to “L” tonight on the phone and it was strange b/c the cell connection wasn’t that great and I had to keep asking for him to repeat it.

As very interesting as he is and much we seem to have in common. I noticed the same pattern I have with men… when we are talking, they do all the talking and when they do ask me a question about myself… it ends up that they really don’t want to spend the time to listen to what I have to say before they move on back to themselves …. and I wish I knew why that pattern keeps showing up…

I was totally interested in what he was saying and commenting,, but when I was talking same thing as with “M”… un huh and then moved on to them again…

It’s frustrating… to say the least… with “M” I just let him talk and talk and talk.. and noticed he didn’t ever realize he was just talking without asking me anything… and with “L” tonight I would say oh wow that is great! I’ve also done that.. wasn’t it wonderful!

so not sure how that will turn out.. since he said, let’s be facebook friends.. and go from there …but really I’m very neutral about it.. like Rori says don’t get attached to any of them … so I’d like to get to know more about him…. b /c we do have lots in common.. but if he is self absorbed…( my word to explain) and I’m repeating a pattern again, then no thank you…

so, what do I get out of attracting self absorbed men? I get to be invisible, unheard and over powered…. hummmm sounds like my childhood… how do I change that.?

Lisa, sorry you feel unheard,I’m sure there are many things about you that are interesting, and worth paying attention to. What do you want? Sounds that a man would become lucky to have u in his life and would be willing to treat you special. Thanks for sharing…xoxo

By the way – I am LOVING the fact that several days have passed and I just realized I havent even truly thought about whether or not he is even on match.com LOL!!!! I took away my ability to go on there, and now I seriously dont care if he is on there or not. He has been so attentive to me and he is giving me what I need – frankly, he wanted to see me more but I”m busy. Anyway – the point is that I really feel soooooo DIFFERENT than I did at the end of June beginning of July. Wow – what a difference a month makes for me, for CollegeCD, for GS….wow. Just amazing.

He wants to plan a first date; he has to ask you out in advance. You say yes.

He wants to kiss you; he has to make a first move. You say yes.

He wants to see you a second time; he calls the next day. You say yes.

He wants to check-in during the week to tell you he’s thinking of you; you take his calls. You say yes.

You don’t have to DO anything. Just see what he does, and say yes.

He wants to take you on a weekend away and introduce you to his friends. You say yes.

He wants to sleep with you; he offers a condom. You say yes.

He wants to commit to you and become exclusive. You say yes.

You see what I mean? You don’t have to DO anything. Just see what he does, and say yes.

If he doesn’t do anything, you have your answer.

This is the single simplest way to understand how to deal with men, and yet women drive themselves nuts.

You try to learn what “games” to play, or how to “figure men out”, or “how to make him commit” to you. It’s all bullsh*t. There’s nothing to know beyond what we’re DOING.

If we want to call, we’ll call. If we want to commit, we’ll commit. If we want to marry you, we’ll ask you. And if we don’t call, don’t commit, and don’t propose to you (all in a reasonable amount of time), then guess what? We’re not going to. We’re just going to continue with our happy, low-stakes status quo that you so generously allow.

Your only leverage when the time is right? Leave. Say that you need to know you’re investing in a future. And since it’s pretty clear after three months that he doesn’t want to see you more than once a week, you’re gonna have to cut him off. The end. Buh-bye.

Most women don’t take this approach. You speak too soon, or you don’t speak at all.

Maybe you won’t say anything because you know that if you do, the relationship will end. That’s exactly how you can desire marriage but stay in a five-year relationship without a ring. Silence is golden; it doesn’t rock the boat. And yet, you never get what you want.

Then there are women who want answers now. And you ask so many questions that you scare men, and sabotage your own relationships. If my 38-year-old fiancé had done that after a month or three, we wouldn’t be getting married. She was cool enough to allow me to choose her, instead of forcing my hand. For that, I’m eternally grateful.

It’s not easy to be the “cool” chick, Robyn. I understand. But your relationship pattern is no accident. And it’s really easy to break. If you want to know what to do in the future, just follow this very simple paradigm:

1) Let him do what he wants.
2) If you like it, stay. If you don’t like it, go.

Syreena, I’m with you on that. The “role switching” to me feels exhausting, inauthentic, and unworkable. So I am approaching Rori’s tools in a different way, as a non-blaming way of communication that fits in an integrated approach to all areas of life. My intention is to be a healed, balanced person who attracts another healed, balanced person and come together as wholes, not “opposites.”

I like the relaxed feel of this article by Rori. Why have any more of these “conversations”? I shall just focus on myself and let God do the heavy lifting. And not get myself in any more situations where I invest in any guy who hasn’t already done his self-development and invested so much in me that I never have to worry about having one of these conversations …

I ask what was wrong to someone tonight and they replied “what’s right” took me a while to respond because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I wanted to tellthemthat they are right for me.but that is looking at how I feel and I am trying to see their feelings and needs. What does “what’s right” mean if thisperson is someone you were partners with. I ask them to have lunch and even bring them soup incase they can’t get out. Said no thanks. I ask if I could call tomorrow and said “let me think about it” what does this mean for both replies. an I get some opinions please

Posted the last couple of things to my ex today. I realised moving forward takes as long as it takes. And it took me until today to get to the point where I was really really ready to let go of him. And it feels good to be there

Hana: I realised what you said in the last post a little while back…. that being the one to initate felt wrong. But I wanted to keep that connection at all costs. Thankfully I’m in a place now where I truly know that the right man will do anything to be with me My ex had lessons to teach me and I know what they are and I’m ok to move on.

and one point though…… if they do see how amazing I am… funny how they act the opposite..and with men… it hasn’t ever been enough ( up til now) to be a long term relationship… that is the confusing part…”

Lisa, I would look for the signs that they *do* think you’re amazing, actually ACTIVELY look for them. Because chances are, it’s the absolute truth.

When I think someone is wonderful, I’m not telling them and acting like it every minute of the day. I don’t want to bombard them, and it’s not my personality, which is quiet and reserved. But if they were looking… for the little smiles, the little signs of support, the gentle tone of my voice, and feeling my energy with their heart… they would see it.

I actually do this with the close people in my life, actively look for the signs that they love me and think I’m grand. And if I don’t find the signs I paste a fantasy over it. Because this is the truth.

That’s not true. There are ways to set boundaries and standards all along the way, and that’s what I did with this recent guy. The more I did that, the more motivated he became. He didn’t turn out to be the right guy, and I’d still do exactly what I did again when the right guy shows up. I feel much more empowered knowing I have more options than just “yes, please sir whatever you like” and “when the time is right leaving” … which is probably after I’ve already invested WAY too much in the situation.

Suffice it to say, I’m not a big fan of EMK’s advice. A lot of it has this rather angry undertone to it. And there are so many exceptions to what he paints as absolutes that I will take my own gentle intuition any day. His blog comment section is so replete with aggressive energy that the whole thing just doesn’t work for me.

Plenty of women seem to derive a lot of benefit from his advice, and that is wonderful, but it is far too black and white for me.

and for that I do feel sincerely grateful that this guy came into my life … because it showed me there is a more powerful-feeling way of going about this … it’s the same process I use when a client is committing to working with me. It’s how we make sure it’s a real commitment and not a “gonna change my mind later” kind of situation.

I also strongly disagree that “your only leverage when the time is right is to leave.”

There are literally hundreds of other options. It ignores the wealth of stuff going on at an emotional level which could make ALL the difference in a relationship. Sorry, yet I just find this approach to be simplistic. There is so much to say, yet I’m not going to. I’ve seen the beautiful effects that working on things on an emotional level has had in my own relationship that I would have missed entirely had I taken this black and white approach, so I’m obviously triggered by EMK’s advice.

Actually, now I realize that I’ve been complaining a LOT that what I did worked TOO well … I really did think I was going to be totally into this guy and instead of complaining perhaps it’s time for me to celebrate how empowered I was in the process … and how well it worked … wow that feels much better.

Yeah Erica EMK tone is a little ‘cocky’ and it can rub you the wrong way, but that doesn’t mean what he says doesn’t have some value. The only way to see a man’s intention is by observing his actions, and if we are always the ones texting, calling initiating we wont know if he is really interested; because men (unfortunately) can be opportunistic and if you are giving them everything on a silver platter, they will take it, but that doesn’t mean they will keep you.

I make this mistake over and over; I start fine and very confident, then I start the chasing. I feel the guy has given me enough, so I will return the favor, but I loose control of how much I give and end up giving to much; taking all of his space for him to do something. Then I am the one doing, and the guy never had intention in staying; he was just taking, he never felt he was doing anything wrong. Hey it was free!
In subtle ways a man tells you he is not interested; disappearing, not calling “distancing” and saying he’s been busy, but truth is that he’s not really invested in you. and is just keeping your goodies for bad “weather” when there is no one else.

I would definitely do my process again. I did it because I thought I was going to be really into him and wanted to make sure he’d be on the same page. next time I won’t do it unless I’ve met the guy in person first. I felt way more powerful doing what I did than I’ve ever felt before in a situation like this. and I guarantee if I’d just done the “yes” thing, it would not have worked as well.

If this had been the right guy, this absolutely would be the right way to do it. For me at least. And it would quickly screen out any guy who wasn’t ready to step up to the plate, before getting intimate with him. I’ll do it again in a heartbeat when the time is right.

the more I did what I did, the more motivated and coming forward this guy was … saying “yes” or doing nothing would not have worked … and remember this is when I thought I was totally into him. It was my way of making sure of not having a repeat of other guys I’ve been into … I was in “screening” mode the whole time.

Before I did this, actively screening him, he was wishy washy … he even last fall had asked ME to come visit him far away! no joke. of course I declined. after I started doing my screening thing, he came forward more and more and more …

It has to come from a place of authenticity, from a “no way am I going to put up with any more wishy-washy long distance baloney guys” place …

I know cuz I had to do the same thing in my business. One too many flakes, and all the frustration and resentment that resulted … and I learned ways of no longer having people flake out … it’s priceless.

A mature man doesn’t stay around a woman he feels is distancing and “playing games”. he just leave and that is his point of view as a man, “don’t take sh*t” and leave.

Why we women stay? If a man distances himself dump him! that’s it. I know it is hard, we want to believe he is falling for us and that is why he’s distancing. We think he’s scared. A healthy man will communicate his fears and concerns, he wont disappear unless the woman is a “psycho” but most of the time, he was just looking for a free pass; and he doesn’t want to sound like a jerk by being honest, so he sends you subtle hints so you “get it”.

save for feeling messages for a man who cares and sent the fickle J*rk to hell! and yes I am angry and I am going to feel my anger until its gone…

Luzydel, your words are so right …. unfortunately…. some of us maybe have the tendency of falling for difficult guys. the only way I could go out of that was what my now husband … I chose him because I found him more enthusiastic about me than others although I was not feeling so much “crazy about him”. It was a brainy decission and I miss the rollercoaster sometimes but it is a quiet life and he is a good man that will never hurt me. Does it sound very selfish? I am sorry
(and sorry for my bad english, as it is not my language.

What about, truly, having higher standards from the get go? That’s what worked here. I made clear that I was not down for a long-distance relationship, that I was not going to invest any more energy in a relationship with him unless I knew that we matched up in person, that although I am not rigid with gender roles I’m still a little old-fashioned about dating, that I don’t like driving, I asked about STDs, and on and on and on … I set the bar very high, and the higher I set it, the more motivated he got …

Why are we not doing this? I was not doing this to get a result … I was doing it authentically just like in my business because I got sick and tired of investing energy in men who can’t get the job done … and my authentic “sick and tired not going to put up with this baloney anymore” … worked …

I told him he could expect me to be very high maintenance after sex (we never did have sex), screened him for his ability to handle it emotionally, said I absolutely did not want to have sex if he couldn’t handle it … and the list goes on and on and on … I screened and screened and screened …

and the more I did this, the more and more and more motivated and “into” me he became …

My problem is that I date men below my standards because I want them to want me. I have issues with fixer upper type of men. I settle for Mr. so wrong for me, because I think Mr. Right will never want me. And the cycle continues until I risk my heart with Mr. Right and take a leap of faith and believe that Mr. Right wants me as much as I want him.

I have never been so much into the men I’ve dated, truth is I didn’t like them much; but they end up hurting me because I expect them to be grateful for me giving them a chance. And the chasing begin, my work to make them love me, even though deep inside I know I can do much better. But it seems safer that way you see… well until I end up hung up with Mr. wrong, who I wasn’t that into anyway…

With this guy, unlike in the past, I never got “snowed” by his “big talk.” From the moment he walked in the door, I was screening him. Is this someone who can actually be my life partner cuz I am not wasting time on anything else? I observed without getting caught up in any kind of fantasy. And unfortunately the answer was no. Then there was a time period of also making sure I didn’t get caught up in my “guilt” that still wanted to “give him a chance” … and being strong in my intuition that was holding out for the right guy.

So he was not the right guy. Yet I do feel very empowered about how I went about this … and I’ll for sure do this again, when the right guy shows up … I bet it will make ALL the difference.

Erika I must have missed where you discussed what happened with this last guy, but where you say this:

“What about, truly, having higher standards from the get go? ”

I agree with…… I guess though everyone’s own “high standards” differs based on where they are at in life. I thought my standards were high with my ex, but I had no self love or self respect so those high standards weren’t high compared to what I’d expect now

I would actually screen even more next time based on what I learned with this guy …

It goes back to what I said a few threads ago. Once we realize that our time and attention are valuable, why are we investing them in men who have not demonstrated in any way shape or form that this attention is warranted?

My business helped so much with this. People started paying me thousands of dollars for a few hours of my time – and it became something I could no longer stomach to give my time and attention to men with nothing real in return … best thing that has ever happened to me, probably …

Elsie, I didn’t like the Black and whiteness of it.
How appently according to the book. If I am the feminine energy and want a masculine energy man that masculine energy men will see me as a sex object and not be interested in my soul.
But if I am the masculine energy I end up with a passive feminine energy man.
Blugh!
Well neither of those things feel very appealing to me. And feel very black and white.
I felt able to relate to a lot of what was said. So It isn’t that I didn’t like or agree with the book.
It was parts of it that made me feel like oh well that feels like a hopeless choice and neither of the choices would be authentic or what I really want or who I am.

It would feel like a fake way of living and a fake relationship to me.

Syreena, have you seen her movie “Duty Dating”? It’s on YouTube.
I believe the point she makes in the end is that it really isn’t black and white, but we aren’t open to something more balanced until we are internally more balanced.
The woman in the movie was rigid in her ways of being with men, once she practiced being softer, practiced some boundaries, doing things differently than before…she was open and receptive to something different. Other people saw her differently, she saw other people differently, she was more clear on what she wanted and it showed up naturally, in an easy way.

It just doesn’t feel right to me to choose between having my feelings cherished an energd loved. Fem energy.
Or my thoughts respected Masc energy.
As what I want is respectful love. Not either or. I am a whole person with both masc and fem energy. I don’t just think or just feel I do both they are both connected and part of me.
I don’t want to disconnect from one part of me.
My thoughts and feelings work together to make me who I am. I am not either or.
So to me to say I have to choose to be either the feeling one or the thinking one just doesn’t sit right and makes me feel anxious.
One ca

Linda – 6 – Much love to you Linda, and please know that what are you are feeling is wonderful, good, normal. Embrace all of it if you can. Allow them all to permeate you. Your answers will come clear. Trust yourself.

FW – from last thread… I do like the suggestion of living within my boundries. It does feel less stressful and peaceful. thank you for making a comment on that. I feel tired of stress and pressure.

I am not sure why I am having trouble staying in or keeping a grip on the peaceful happy place my heart was in last fall. All I do know is that is related to by a mulitude of issues and not an easy trail to follow and pin down for me.

—-

FavoriteCD did have his court date yesterday that concerned the custody of his 9 year old daughter.
The courts ruled against her mother and will not allow her to move her out of state (which would have been 18 hours away). She will also stay in the mothers custody unless she decides to move away. So a couple of the issues that have been looming around our relationship are decided now. That helps I hope.

Zia- I realized the same thing you do about your ex. I’d had enough of the hot and cold, pulling away like I don’t exist and then suddenly missing me again. I’d had enough. The worse was when he would say baby this baby that and then suddenly no baby or honey. I just wish I hadn’t told him off so badly when I said my goodbye lol, it was AWFUL Zia. Is it bad that I don’t feel so so bad about it? just slightly guilty lol, because a lot of it was the truth, and I had been holding these feelings inside for way too long.
There’s just a fine line between being mean to someone and expressing your true feelings.
My anger has subsided, I have no reason to feel angry anymore about anything really, I just feel good and strong, and independent, and it’s awesome really!

What I mean Zia, that I felt like I was trying way too hard, even though he contacted me first, I was doing a bit of the Text your ex Back stuff, I just didn’t feel comfortable to just “Be” and let him take over. Maybe because deep inside I felt like he wasn’t doing what he needed to be doing as a man should be in this relationship, and I felt this way probably because I had grown and realized he wasn’t who I actually needed anymore.

It’s hard to come to terms with. I outgrew my ex husband but out of loyalty stayed with him for too long. We have to be true to ourselves and go our own path.

Luzydel the discussion about giving reminded me of this comment from Patty Contenta “So she continues the behavior of trying to please him in order to rebuild her oxytocin, feeling safe by simply over giving. Increased levels of oxytocin makes a woman feel good and aroused which can be misinterpreted as love.

When we are hard wired with these beliefs and hormonal reactions, we need ways to recognize and resolve. Having awareness is already a great first step. Having a tool to notice where he’s at emotionally with you can give you an instant assessment on how to deal with him…another awesome step!”

I wonder if it is the reason one of Rori’s tools is out the window where you channel the energy that a man is sending towards you in the direction of your passion or something you are passionate about??

“On the other hand, I do still feel like he’s being a bit cool and distancing himself”

“I’m really condoning his behavior and not letting him know that I need him to be different with me”

Him being cool and distant suggests to me that maybe his feelings are cooling off. As such I would ask myself “are my feelings cooling off?”

Letting him know you need him to be different kinda suggests that he can manipulate his feelings. For me I get a visual of a puppet on a string. Appealing to his logic rather than to his emotions.

If a person’s feelings are reflected in their behavior is their something I can do to inspire or appeal to their feelings? Are there specific words I can use tht cause this man to get a feeling of being loved? Is there a way I could flirt so he impulsively flirt back without thinking?

“Here’s the thing: Build Attraction first – then talk.” – In my experience, this is absolutely true.

Living my yoga today…

“No one knows my mind, not even me. Scientists say that most of our mind is unconscious. For today, know that your thoughts do not totally reflect what is alive in you. Be willing to lovingly distrust your thoughts.”

L.O.S: Hi Dr. Allen! I wanted to discuss narcissism and what it means for an individual who is narcissistic.

Dr. Pat Allen: Great! There are many individuals who are choosing to be narcissistic.

L.O.S: So, let’s talk about narcissism and how that plays into a relationship.

Dr. Pat Allen: Did you know that narcissism as a borderline personality disorder is going to be taken out of the next DSM-V, and do you know why?

L.O.S: Why?

Dr. Pat Allen: It’s because a person who is individualized and actualized is narcissistic and has a right to it. You’re only a pathological narcissist when you’re a parent or you’re in love. There’s nothing wrong with being a narcissistic single person. So narcissism, because it’s being taken out of the DSM-V, means that if you’re single and you’re not a parent, you’re an actualized person.

L.O.S: Which means that you can think and feel…

Dr. Pat Allen: And you can have people for your thinking side and people for your feeling side. This means that monogamy is not your end game.

My vibe is shifting and it feels wonderful! I am in my queen-ness more often than ever. And this feels good because the feminine energy is flowing and the masculine energy is there whenever I need it to spring into action, but this is a good vibe for me.

I am circular dating with the world. Men are just walking up to me starting conversations (really nutty conversations sometimes just to say something to me) and I grace them with 30 seconds of talk or just a quick word and smile. They love it and it raises my vibration.

I am focused on my energy more now too. I want to attract evolved men, and to do so, I must harness evolved energy – feminine energy. I have to breath it, feel it, dwell in it. I wear a sachet of stones/gems and it makes me feel glorious and full of immense flowing energy.

I was listening to Modern Siren this morning, and for the first time really under stood the part about receiving energy from living things and people. I finally get it! My energy vibrations are so much better these days . . . the urgency is diminishing!

And I’m more focused on compassion – for myself always, but also for others – it moves me away from blaming and feeling anger or wanting vengence or just to DO SOMETHING about somebody. Compassion allows me to “let it go” and that feels so good do. I am in my Queen-ness most of the day and I’m feeling fabulous.

Wow, your post so struck a note with me. I do the same exact thing and just realized it recently. So now men have to pursue me. From the start, and keep pursuing me. I imagine the waterwheel now more than ever – I give back in just that manner from now on. No more saving or fixing or helping. Each man must pursue me. He must want me and act like it. Nothing less will do.

I’m sort of giggling, thinking about “pursuit”, and how T doesn’t pursue me.
Maybe he is feminine energy in that way, but he does know what he has is good, and he knows he has what I want, he knows he is steadfastly engaged in his Purpose and isn’t budging from that to chase me, who is hanging out somewhere in limboland, somewhere *I* don’t even want to be.

My heart is practically singing…go go go go go, just go.
He isn’t “sweep me off my feet and handle everything” guy, and..he provides me with a foundation, stability, a beacon, a pillar, someone I can really really count on to be HIM, who has my back and is not just on my side, but on everyone’s side, on the side of peace, which makes me feel safe in a different way than physically protected. There is a foundation of trust that gives me roots and wings.

And we aren’t exclusive…
“monogamy is not your end game”

So, it doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t that guy, it’s where my heart wants to be and even though it has lead me down some dark and shady alleys, there is always an immense wisdom in it that grows me, develops me, enriches me.

“monogamy is not your end game”
Nooo…I wanted it, for a while, to feel safe…and I may want it again in the future, yet what’s calling me right now, is a network, a web of love, a vision of what’s possible, something I’ve dreamed of for sooo long.
It’s bubbling, bubbling…percolating, brewing…

Sophie – That feels right in line with my reasoning. If there’s an agenda, there’s a leaning forward to it. Still feels kinda hard though, sharing without having an agenda. I think I should write some kind of mantra and put on my mirror.

On another note, I didn’t have to write anything!! :O Took him a couple of days but he wrote back (really politely) said how he felt sorry about how I felt and said that then he must make me feel better. MY JAW ABSOLUTELY DROPPED TO THE FLOOR! Especially when he finished practically asking if he could join me for the beach vacation I’ve been thinking about. I’ve met the guy like three times??! Gosh, these things NEVER happen to me. Honest. Except they apparently do now.
I feel really excited and less nervous. He was so nice, my tenseness just dissappeared and now I’m high on excitement and good nervosity. Weird things do happen. I told him it felt exciting that he’d want to come, but also that I felt a bit weird and I’d feel uncomfortable going on a trip with someone I don’t know well. And I did it almost without thinking about how to write and what to think, the words just showed up. Feels like I’m on a roller coaster and when I’m up I’m really UP. I just need to put myself out there so I can get some more CDs. 😀
Feel really happy today.

Syreena, I’m with you on this. I also don’t want a man who’s all “thinking” … I don’t want a man who’s up in his head. I work with men and women in my practice, and men have just as many problems arising out of being out of touch with their feelings as women do. I don’t want that in a partner.

Zara, thanks for sharing that. I remember way back when taking Pat Allen’s “quiz” and essentially being told there was “something wrong with me.” Back then I was so gullible that I actually believed it and went about “fixing myself” when the truth is my intuition all along was that something was not right about trying to “split off” masculine and feminine. A very long journey back to saying “no thanks experts, I’ll follow my own guidance thank you very much.”

I feel a little annoyed with myself for giving my power away to supposed experts, and I guess that was all part of the journey … I feel empowered knowing I’ll never do it again.

Oh Gosh, that resonates Erika, giving my power away to so called experts. And not listening to our intuition.

How many times have so called experts got in wrong in history?
And people been harmed in the process.

Got to love the DSMIV stuff, today something exists by a show of men raising their hands and having a majority vote.
And tomorrow it no longer exists. Oh and next week it may exist again. A lot of the time the reason is to do with money.

The one that feels the most abhorant is how when we are alive and dead got redifined for the purpose of harvesting some organs. Literally over night death got redifined.

Q what do you want most. Respect or love?
A. I am not able and do not want to answer that question as what I want is respectful love.
By choosing both and treating myself with both I get both. I want a relationship where I love and respect myself and share that love with a man who loves and respects himself. That is my desire.

Syreena, yes and notice the “parallel” with the whole “let the man lead” thing … that’s the same thing as “following” an expert instead of our own intuition … what happened to me when I did that? I got screwed. the man led us straight into disaster. I don’t believe in that anymore.

The last guy was totally into me because of my inner strength, knowing what I wanted, setting boundaries, speaking up. and NOT being passive.

So tonight (yes, it is night time here!), when I came round to D’s house… I usually cook dinner and he usually pays for it, I enjoy cooking and find it very therapeutic after a day at work… Tonight when I arrived he had bought everything and was busy with dinner. And after he had finished cooking he brewed coffee and made some for me with cream and cinnamon and chocolate. This was a really nice surprise for me.

Erika: “The last guy was totally into me because of my inner strength, knowing what I wanted, setting boundaries, speaking up. and NOT being passive.”

That was when J really turned things around internally with himself too. When he saw (experienced) those qualities in me, he was willing to do anything to have me back in his life. He does still “lead” our relationship when it comes to dates, etc (unless I feel like asking him out and then I take control of it) but he is passionate about my spirit which is anything but passive.

I know it’s not the same as what you’re saying, but I also don’t believe in passivity in a relationship for a woman. I feel like it’s far more important to feel where the emotion and energy of the relationship is taking you, and actually, this is anything but passive. Or has been for me. When I love a guy, I want to co-create something with him, I don’t want to sit back.

FW – Thank you, it feels good, and I am especially thankful because you always come to my rescue with clarity and supportive responses when I post during my “in the pit” moments – It feels good to have your support!

I’m not sure where this misconception is coming from that allowing the man to lead means being submissive or passive or anything but the strong, gorgeous, goddess woman you are.

A good man, the kind of man you want to be with would only take you where you would want to go. He wants to make you happy, so doing anything otherwise would not be part of his plan. He will consult you, talk to you. He will surprise you in feel good ways.

Luzydel – 26 – I feel curious why you think this. I feel sad that this may have been your experience, and I would like to dispel these notions if I can.

A good man will not sit on his laurels once you have fallen for him just as a good woman who is on her path, healing, and growing will not sit on hers once he’s fallen for her. It’s will be a mutual opening and learning experience, an exploration together of each other as each works on self. It’s an increasing deepening of connection and intimacy.

Gosh it’s been so long – I missed this blog but it felt good to let go a bit. I can barely catch up with what’s happened.
I’ve been CDing myself a lot these past two weeks and I notice that my attention seems to come back to being worried that I’m not really taking care of myself, not expanding myself and I felt like hiding and doing that in small ways, non-noticeable ways.
At first I was bothered by it quite a bit. Now I believe it’s baby shuffling.

And I wore a beautiful green dress and went to this really good restaurant – oh my word the food was so good ! By the end of the night I felt invigorated and a friend the next day noted that ‘I glowed with pleasure’.

I feel conflicted when I’m in a position to receive – I’ll leave a space open for that.

I felt a wounded loss and that then morphed to ‘I just can’t go back to that place where I was not being valued’ and that felt like strength was growing for me. That shift from feeling loss to morphing it is becoming easier and that turnaround is much quicker.

Dominique, I think we were jumping off what I saw as the vast oversimplification of the article republished in the comments here …

What “letting a man lead” really means is open to a lot of interpretations. The way I heard it from the coaches some years ago – and what I tried to apply – led to dismal results, and I won’t do it again.

Anyway, I just don’t believe in it anymore. For me. Everyone finds their style that works. What works for me is what worked extremely well with the last guy (if he had been right for me), and what works in my business for the coaching commitment process and the coaching relationship.

I don’t need to sit around while a guy comes up with all the ideas. I’m a living, breathing, co-creative, fully whole human being. I want an equal. I want to be an equal. So I am creating for myself something different than the “masculine/feminine” model. It doesn’t mean everyone else is wrong. It does mean I’m also no longer assuming their advice is better for me than my own intuition.

“This brother neither leads nor follows us, but walks beside us on the selfsame road. He is like us, as near or far away from what we want as we will let him be.

“… Forget the dismal lessons that you learned about this Son of God who calls to you. Christ calls to all with equal tenderness, seeing no leaders and no followers, and hearing but one answer to them all.

“… He is afraid to walk with you, and thinks perhaps a bit behind, a bit ahead would be a safer place for him to be. Can you make progress if you think the same, advancing only when he would step back, and falling back when he would go ahead? For so do you forget the journey’s goal, which is but to decide to walk with him, so neither leads nor follows. Thus it is a way you go together, not alone. And in this choice is learning’s outcome changed, for Christ has been reborn to both of you.”

Veronica, so nice to hear from you! Shall we go to Salsa tonight? Hehe…

Dominique it is something I was thinking about, but I just find it so difficult to let go, is it because I’m meeting the wrong men, and I need more of a “real man” to lead me strong? Just like a strong leader in dancing. Oooooh big realization.

Also, I absolutely loved Rori’s LoveScripts programs, and I find them mostly to fit with what I’m saying here. I’m just practicing a little bit more affirmative version of it, in that I am not going to sit around and wait for a guy to bring up a topic if I’m considering investing time and energy in him. I want all the big issues resolved before I invest … like I started doing with the last guy and will do even moreso next time around … how Rori teaches handling prickly issues in LoveScripts is in many ways exactly what I did … and I think her LoveScripts programs are brilliant.

I won’t be taking myself to get my nails done this weekend…
I have had one synchronicity on top of another this week, one good thing on top of another, so many I don’t even want to write about them all because it feels like it will take away the amazingness of it and I want to bask in the feeling of it…

I will be going on an adventure this weekend, with friends (one of who is on her way to Oregon to live, the other is planning on moving in the spring, the same time as me)…plus the time feels right to hang out with my birthdaughter, who lives in the city I’ll be visiting…this morning I told my sup I expected to be in late on Monday because I’m going out of town, and
he called me in later to tell me to take the day off with pay…
plus, take another week off with pay sometime before the end of the year..(I’m a temp and don’t have holiday pay)…
which, is PERFECT because I was planning on visiting WA state but wasn’t sure how it was going to work and now it’s all unfolding effortlessly….
hooray!
hooray!!
doing the happy puppy dance

I hear what you mean Dominque.
Problem is how many men are really that good at leading?
Or even know what is mean’t by it?
Most confuse leadership skills with being in charge, telling and people around. They want to be in charge and lead but don’t know what that really means.
It takes excellent listening skills, higher intelligence, integritiy and compassion.

Not everyone is capable of being a good or great leader.
And the other problem is if a woman sleeps with a man before he has proven if he is up for the job and he wants it, she has gone at got herself emotionally and hormonally entagled and bonded acting insane losing all sense of intuition and higher reasoning. And in a lot of cases handed over control and follows someone who is leading her blindly down a path of pain devastation and heartache.

GS is my kryptonite. I finally saw him today after almost 2 weeks. Wow. Um…..hot. Anyway – we talked for too long (my fault) but I mentioned that I told my attorney I did not have a boyfriend, etc. and then afterwards I thought – I wonder how that made him feel. Then, he said that he would stay with his ex in the same house for however long for the kids (he is a great dad) but honestly, I dont want to be someones back up plan. Ever. I want him to want me so badly that he CANT be without me etc. Anyway – at the end of our convo – he reached over and touched me and got really close and whispered “You look really good…” I just pulled back a little and said – Oh, well, I ran 5 miles on Tues, and 3 on Monday and I’m feeling really healthy, and he came closer and said “No…..you look REALLY good.” I was like….umm…ok thanks. I was so uncomfortable, because I thought we had a deal that we were stopping all of that. But see….when HE NEEDS the connection, he does it – where was he the last 2 weeks by phone or text if I NEEDED it. Anyway – he is so hot…..but I need something more. I am proud that I did not give in physically at all to him. And I learned a lot in that conversation that made me realize that at least for right now, I do not want to be with him.

“A good man will not sit on his laurels once you have fallen for him just as a good woman who is on her path, healing, and growing will not sit on hers once he’s fallen for her. It’s will be a mutual opening and learning experience, an exploration together of each other as each works on self. It’s an increasing deepening of connection and intimacy. ”

I love this!!!! and it is what I’m looking FOR!! I haven’t found it yet! “M” did just that sat on his laurels once I fell for him… he actually even joked about it… for awhile… and he even said it to my oldest daughter… “I went with your mom to the orchid show b/c it was in the first 6mos of dating” not something I’d do after that… and he was laughing… and (I’m so proud of her) she said “yeah! well you just told on yourself”… and she laughed…

Thanks or posting this!!! It keeps me looking for the man! that won’t sit on his laurels… once I fall for him…

Wow that was a unusual dialog… they took passive / aggressive out also, but that doesn’t mean that it is still not an issue or real! I’m wondering about that. “Narcissism”
I love the book by a narcissists called “malignant self love”…..he explains why he is single… b/c it didn’t work otherwise..

but being that I’ve actually lived with a couple… I know how damaging it can be…

and yes, self absorption can be considered narcissism but not in a clinical view.. but certainly have many traits of a narcissists..

I had that same realization yesterday! I need a strong man ( b/c I’m a strong woman) that can lead me! like a strong dancer… ballroom dancer that can take me and lead me across the floor and all I need to do is follow and flow!!!

@luzydel I agree with the distancing thing… wish I’d jumped ship when I realized I was noticing him doing it… live and learn…

if you listen to a man really listen to him, and he starts talking about his history with women, you’ll notice a pattern… they tend to tell on themselves… once you realize he is telling you some really important info… you’ll know… I did…

I knew “M” was really into the chase…not the having… and though he chased me for awhile I was dating other men… as soon as he had me.. or thought he did… he stop trying.. the distancing started….( and when we went out and I was looked at and approached by other men lots, then all of the sudden he was chasing me again, then the intimacy started back, he was winning me over and over again, he liked that, but he didn’t maintain the intimacy) there is a lot to be said for not always letting them chase you forever … b/c once they have you… then you get to see what they really will do….. and if the intimacy stops then you know they love chasing carrots…it’s a high… like gambling or a roller coaster ride..

Just my experience… not sure if anyone else has had men like that…

I want a man that will chase me, win me and then maintain intimacy… and grow…

Rori: my ex contacted me today and told me that our song is still their favorite and that they thought they had found so much they needed and wanted in me and that they had so much to sort out that they had to sort out. What does this mean, for them to tell me this and contact me. I’m wanting to think that it’s good but I need advice please…

Wow! I just had a major opening-up, truth-telling moment. Actually, this whole week has been pretty powerful.

I had what I would call not a pregnancy ‘scare,’ but more of a pregnancy Fantasy. This is where I have sex with someone. And then, since I tend to have longer cycles, I start to think, at the end of the cycle, that maybe I’m actually pregnant. I’m usually 100% sure that I’m not. But then there’s this – what if the condom didn’t work? What if – who knows? I’ve no idea. And then I actually start to get happy thinking about it. I start imagining this little life growing in me, and I get a little excited. I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t look forward to about nine months without periods – to be made up for at the end of it with labor and delivery of course. But G-Ddammit, I’m looking FORWARD to that. I’m not even kidding. And yes, I have seen birth. Live. And I’ve been woken up at 3 a.m. by a 3-month old. And I WANT THAT.

So, when my period came, in the middle of the night last night, I was actually a little bit sad. That was the end of my short-lived, day-long fantasy. And I accepted it. But I also read today, and saw pictures of the birth that a facebook friend had today. He is now a proud father, even though all he did, as far as I can tell, is sleep around and knock someone up. But now they’re all happy and they have this baby, which is beautiful, and I’m actually a little bit jealous.

I’ve been sleeping around, on and off, since I was 20. I’ve been careful, I’ve been not-careful. I’ve been in long-term relationships, I’ve had one-night stands. I’ve used condoms, I’ve not used condoms. And yet, I’ve NEVER been knocked up. Not once! No real pregnancy scares. Just fake ones I make up in my mind. No real pregnancies either.

And I thought, and I felt to myself, It’s not fair! Why do I observe so many people on the street who probably “shouldn’t” be having babies happily pushing their baby carts around, and yet, I don’t get to have that experience. Not that I never will.

I JUST WANT IT SO MUCH.

My heart is like, aching, yearning for this. I’ve been desiring this since I was a little girl. And anything in my life that I’ve decided I’ve wanted to do, I’ve done it. I’ve traveled to Italy. I’ve lived in Ireland. I moved across the country. I studied art. I went to grad school. Whatever it is, I’ve done it. But not this.

Why? Because it’s not something I can DO.

It’s something I have to ALLOW.

And, let’s be honest. I’m going to be honest here. It may seem, or feel unfair. But the truth is, it hasn’t happened because I haven’t ALLOWED it to happen.

There have been opportunities. It COULD have happened by now. And yet, I’ve stood in my own way.

I haven’t LET that come into my life.

But I have also rarely, if ever, admitted (either publicly or privately) that it’s something that I really wanted. I’ve *thought* about it. But I haven’t really let the truth into my heart, I don’t think.

Well, tonight, I let it out publicly. Here, sure. But on Facebook! I wrote it out on facebook. I said, okay, world, here it is: I want kids!

I’m not going to force it to happen. Because that’s not how I want it. I know that, for me, for it to be real, I have to really allow it. And that…I guess that’s how I’ll know that I’m ready. When I finally let it happen, and I’m not trying to “make” anything be different than it actually is. And that starts with me, admitting what I want. That this is the most deepest, profound desire of my heart, my body, and my soul – all of those elements together that are inseparable that comprise “Me.” That’s what I want. To be a mother.

Hi Tereana, I can really feel you in that writing … are you a blogger?

Cramps were so very light with this cycle, such a blessing … and when I breathed into them … such grief … I’ve been recording videos and crying off and on all day …

Other than a call with a company that really fell down on the job last year, and they are going to give me a whole new campaign without paying any extra … yes, I used feeling messages … disappointed and frustrated seeing no results and even moving backwards … thank you Angels for second chances

Tereana 148: I can TOTALLY and ABSOLUTELY relate to what you posted. And then I did actually end up becoming pregnant by accident. There were plenty of times when it could have happened in my long term relationship, but it never did… but I am glad that it happened the way it did, with the man that it did… I would HATE to have had a child with my long term ex. Hated it! Yet my boy’s dad is perfect. Even though we’re not together, he’s perfect as a father for my boy. Things have a funny way of working out…

”
Blood test may predict HPV-related throat cancer
Scientists may be able to predict throat cancers caused by the human papillomavirus (HPV) more than 10 years before patients get diagnosed, according to research published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology.

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Actor Michael Douglas recently made headlines when The Guardian reported he said his throat cancer may have been caused in part by HPV transmitted through oral sex. Douglas later said he simply was stating that oral sex can lead to cancer.”

“Most people associate HPV with cervical cancer because virtually all of these cancers are caused by this virus. But HPV can also trigger oropharyngeal or throat cancer, especially in men. By 2020, it is estimated HPV will cause more throat cancers than cervical cancers, according to the National Cancer Institute.”

“What does the test include? The HealthCheck USA Herpes Simplex Virus 1 & 2 lgG test involves a small blood draw by a qualified lab technician. The test will screen for and report separate readings for HSV type 1 and type 2 antibodies. Additionally, the test will verify any existing genital herpes infection (reliable after 12-16 weeks following exposure). The test can be ordered without a doctor’s prescription, and you can access your results privately within a few days.

On the back side of FavoriteCD’s two month ordeal with the possibility of his daughter being moved 18 hours away over ( she will not be leaving)… I was really curious to see how he would be. It was a big deal… but at times he has almost felt a male version of a drama queen to me about it to me. Anyway…

Monday before the court date trial… FavoriteCD showed up unannounced at my door and totally surprised me (we live 45 min away from each other)… with roses. He said he missed me and Mondays are really hard for him because after being together on the week ends. He told me he appreciated everything I do and who I am, how I am with his daughter. We just stood in the kitchen and he held me and teared up! I simply melted into him. We had a impromptu picnic by a lake, watched the sunset, had icecream and he stayed the night… mmmm Can I say I needed that!

Wed and Thursday after the court decision… I guess he is man caving it. Over 48 hours without him bothering to even answer or return my phone call. When I did hear from him last night right before bed for two minutes… it was “I have been really busy with work and falling asleep… Hey I get it, it was stressful, he is a compartmental kind of guy…but too busy to respond to a text? I feel unimportant and dismissed!

It is like someone flipped a switch or I am dealing with two different versions of him. One I like the other I dont.

Weird thing is… after him being like this, he will say “I feel a distance between us” well !!!…. I when he his thing ok.. I do my thing and when he is ready to come out of his mancave, if I have other things going on in my life, he gets his shorts all wrinkled and tells me I have not made him a priority. It is so maddening

I can’t thank you enough for continuing to prompt me to reading this book attached… there was one point in the book that I read one sentence that just opened me up I started sobbing!! b/c I’d always wanted to hear that acknowledge it… and I realized how much I needed to have it… It also has helped me see how much I’ve grown…

Thanks so much! You were right! I did need to read it..

I loved this part ” People’s response to effective communication is always very telling” Agreed!

If you do some preliminary footwork, you can activate your man’s ” heroic” nature.

I write about men’s deep desire to feel “heroic” for you even in the smallest ways.

And the best way to invoke and inspire his desire to feel good by “doing physical actions” on your behalf is by inviting him into the your own seduction.

You’ve set out the candles. You’ve bought the champagne. You’ve set up the music. You’vebought the choice of aromatic oils (all of which, voila -happen to match your aesthetic tastes and erotic soul).

Now, when he comes over, or comes home…

Step #1: Slowly place the matches or lighter into his hands with both of your hands cupping his – and invite him to light the candles… “as many as you want…”

Step #2: Hand him the bottle of champagne and kiss his body as he demonstrates his “strength” and finesse by opening the bottle without spilling it everywhere. Put out the flutes before him and have him pour, rather than you pouring.

Step #3: Ask him to choose the playlist or XM station or however you have prepared the music choices. Say “choose something romantic”or “erotic” or “something that will turn me on.” Then coo and approve when he “performs” and picks something.

Step #4: if you want to prepare a hot bath, have him choose which aromatic bath oil. Which ever one he chooses, you say “mmmm, how did you know?”

In these ways, you are making him feel as if he is seducing you – even though you have set it all up! You are making him feel like a hero, like a king. Like he’s doing everything right. You are empowering him.

Welcome to the art of erotic connoisseurship- getting what you ACTUALLY want by working with the psychology of your partner so that your partner feels valued, competent, and even if he’s tired at the end of the day – as if HE is taking the lead.

What’s essential to realize here is, every human being wants a high quality partner because you feel an emotional independence with someone with strong boundaries. You can trust that they won’t burden you with pressing decisions. This is why you need to get a handle on becoming a HIGH VALUED woman!

I’m also here to remind you that it’s never too late to claim your boundaries. In other words, no matter what stage you are in within a relationship (one week or one year), you CAN step into your strength and ask for what you want…in a feminine manner of course 😉

This happened to me with a few men, when I felt we became sexual too soon. I gently explained how I wasn’t comfortable with that and needed to slow down. Some men were ok with it, others disappeared…instant qualification!”

“I’m also here to remind you that it’s never too late to claim your boundaries. In other words, no matter what stage you are in within a relationship (one week or one year), you CAN step into your strength and ask for what you want” – YES YES YES!!!

She ruffles feathers. She says of herself, she is politically incorrect but scientifically accurate.She also says she is not a moralist, she helps people get what they want and get rid of what they don’t want.

I pointed to a video featuring her, but the post is kept in moderation.
You might get to the video by googling its title :
Dr. Pat Allen and Jim Hallowes on “The Bradley Quick Show” 7/11/11

I apologize for not being here so much and able to follow the conversations as per usual and for not being very clear yesterday. I’m on a working vacation right now and only able to check in now and then.

I have some time right now, and since the blog is back up and running, I want to take the opportunity to elaborate more on the discussion about the man leading.

This does not mean that a woman follows blindly, hoping he’ll eventually figure it out, and if he doesn’t she just has to accept things as they are.

It’s not this black and white as Syreena suggested. We carry all parts, masculine energy and feminine energy. Most women are predominantly feminine energy, and most men are predominantly masculine energy. There are times though when we have to draw more on one than the other, yet the predominant energy for most women will be feminine.

In a sense in her deep femininity, a woman could be seen as actually leading the relationship in that a good man in a healthy relationship WANTS to make his woman happy. He wants her to feel good, so he will act accordingly. This could be going on consciously, unconsciously, or both.

And as a woman there are ways to express what you want, your desires, your boundaries in ways he can hear you. This isn’t game playing. No one wants to made to feel wrong or blamed or criticized. As Erika pointed, Love Scripts shows you how to do exactly this. It’s also frequently covered here.

This kind of relationship I’m talking about here is FAR MORE ABOUT FLOW between you and your man. It’s most definitely a co-creation as Erika so beautifully put.

Indigo – 170 – YES absolutely. K is more verbal now than ever before, yet we both are not big talkers. Still we communicate beautifully to each other, and often it’s in the silence. Much can be learned, communicated through quiet. You can get really good at FEELING each other in this way. Here is where your truth lies, in how you truly FEEL in his presence.

Those seem accurate to me … although “trying” to be unattainable IMO doesn’t work. The shift that has happened for me is that I sincerely now see my time and attention as so valuable that I simply am not willing to give it away to men unless they are adding value to my life. Even CDing for me at this stage is way too much of a drain on my energy for too little reward (I’m not saying that applies to everyone – CDing had value during part of my path). And that shift takes care of all the other points Alex was making. Boundaries are automatic for me now because of the value I place on my time and attention.

I got to experience the whole thing “in reverse” with this recent guy. He was the one with no clear sense of purpose in his life and poor boundaries. I seemed unattainable to him because I WAS unattainable for him. He would need to do a lot of inner development before I’d be attracted to him.

And yet … back in the day … I used to give my power away to men that now I wouldn’t even consider going on a date with … I was not making any kind of calm assessment of whether they were good partners or what value they were adding … I just wanted to be liked and wanted …

For me, it is coming back more and more to a Rori-ism … it’s all about ME now. I don’t give a rat’s pitooty if he approves of me. I’m not living my life for him. I’m living my purpose and gonna keep living it until a guy shows up who wants to live my purpose with me because he shares it, and has already done his inner development. No more heartache, no more devastation, no more longing for guys who are totally inappropriate for me anyway …

The shift was in the value I put on myself and my time and attention … and honestly I don’t know how I would have gotten there without my business. My business changed everything.

I did the same with friendships btw. I had friends who wanted to use my ski house for free, get free tapping, get free business coaching, come to concerts I paid for and never reciprocate, always have me come to them, and although they are not “bad” people, those friendships are not in my life anymore because they were adding no value to my life.

I filed for Divorce today. It should be final on October 31 (insert “scary” joke here.) LOL.

Ironically, GS is now SO interested in touching me, complimenting me, being with me, now that we havent had time together lately, and we wont see each other again in 10 days. But he is doing it for HIS benefit because HE needs this contact. Not because I need it. When I needed it he wasnt there for me. Its interesting the difference a month can make. And we havent been intimate in 2 months. So…..of course, now that I’m scarce and my vibe is different, here he is again.

In the meantime…..CollegeCD is nothing but totally attentive!!! So sweet with the texts and calls, etc. I got a text this morning….”Good morning! I get to see you tomorrow!!!!!!” How sweet is that? LOL. I’m excited for our date tomorrow.

I go to Colorado for business next week, it will be nice to be away and have time for myself. I love Colorado.

Zia- Thank you so much! I am enjoying everything now. I’m also enjoying not worrying about every little thing, what I’m wearing and what I’m doing right or wrong with men.

I’m just enjoying taking care of my boys, and enjoying the summer weather. I’m really benefiting from this new transition I am in. Being a single mother is actually a wonderful thing. I look at couples and I know one day I will be part of one. But, really, lately I’m finding a lot of positive things about being alone with my kids. It gives me really good space and ability to choose my own way with things in our life.

Scarce is crappy! I had enough of that… I love those cute texts good morning …

something to look forward to!

on a side note:
I’m so wiped out from crying I don’t have the energy to go out with anyone… I’m spending lots of time working on my splinters those pesty core beliefs that I’ve held so long… its good to cry them out… and release but I’m so soooo tired I feel like a wrung out rag… no energy at all! My poor child had to be inside all day today b/c I was doing work on myself and crying… she watched movies and we played some… but MAN.!!!… I want to have some fun! with her while there is still summer!!! I love inner work but da….m I don’t want my crying and purging to take up all my time.. of course it has been in there like 30 something years… and needs to come out…

trusting that all is perfect and that my time with her will be precious and knowing that this inner work I’m doing will make her a strong, siren herself!

Not only will people give me a lot for my time, they appreciate it also … I get such lovely notes all the time from people expressing their appreciation. One of my clients just got a coaching package even though she doesn’t need sessions right now because she wanted to help me raise funds for my trip to Bali …

THAT feels like love to me. For all his “talk” about “loving” me, the recent guy wasn’t giving me much that felt like love. It just felt like he wanted to latch on to my life because his own purpose was not clear and he hasn’t done his work.

Now the contrast feels so clear. Why would I accept less from a “date” or a “relationship” than I receive regularly from my clients?

It’s all so clear now … The bar has been raised. It’s not going to be lowered. It’s NEVER going to be lowered EVER again. Hooray for me!

I read so many advise tat start with “how to make a man do _____” in my experience a man either feel or don’t; he can feel it at the beginning then fizzle or he can feel it all the time.

Just love yourself; set healthy boundaries, know what you want, do things you love and when it comes to men…do nothing, just let them be. The one that “gets you” will show up. You don’t have to do anything to make a man feel something, not all men will feel it for you, just like you don’t feel it for every man. Change you energy, vibration, give yourself love every day and that attracts the right man. But you don’t have to make him do nothing… I am learning that after my “mistakes”…

Amir is still chasing me, the more I need space the more he is around asking about things.

I have this vision of us in the future, but for now I just want to be me! Enjoy me! And….I really want to experience new men hehe….I’m getting an appetite to start CD’ing.

I think I may give Salsa some change up, perhaps go to different spots which I wasn’t usually crazy about, or go to try some swing/jazz music.

Lisa, it’s great isn’t it?? I like how you described the flow of being led! Love it…

I’m feeling the cool breeze coming through the window, it’s kissing my skin so gently sending shivers down my spine, this is what loving my own company means to me. Enjoying the senses around me and getting in touch with my feelings and really being in the moment. This July feels more like September… but it’s cool, literally

I can’t wait to dream tonight…

You know what’s cool ladies about being single for me? That even though I may have already found the man for me, the thought and possibility that the right guy for me is already out there is so exciting and thrilling,
I really look forward to meeting him. Just knowing that this person that I will someday make a commitment with is already living his life and is dating and going through this or that, will one day find me, and I him, and we will build a beautiful life and future together, and my kids will have a beautiful father figure one day.

LOVE that thought….that’s what will be on my mind as I drift to my slumber tonight…

Indigo re the quietness – definitely. I would say that we were in the same place energetically. We both just knew that we were loved and were just being. No focus on fighting off any competition, no reason for any arguments, we were just in a space of love so things just flowed with no effort. He was the one who would break the silence and say he can just feel the love. There were absolutely no doubts and no reason to prove anything to the other.

184 Hana: There are SO MANY perks to being a single mum!! Does the dad have them at all? My boy’s dad has him every other weekend so at least I do get that break. But it’s really wonderful being able to do things my way, bring him up how I want to (mostly). I do love it and it will take someone really special to be a part of our lives. I’m still on my 40 day self love journey and it is honestly the best thing I’ve ever done. So happy with life right now. I am happier now than I ever was with my ex. Feels so so good.

Erika Awakening – Thanks! I write. I’ve written in blogs. I read blogs. Mainly, I like to write. But I like to think that you felt me in the writing because I was really there! I was writing about who I am…

I keep having a mental urge to write a follow-up email to PKL, to tell him some “more” about my decision to move to his city – i.e. to “make sure” that he knows I’m not doing it to be with him, per se, but for my own reasons. Only, that feels like “explaining.” And I don’t want to explain. I want my actions to speak for themselves. And every time I look at my email with an intention to write what’s on my mind, I just can’t do it. He hasn’t written back, so we’re not in a conversation.

and I figure, if I keep going and doing what I’m doing, it will all be fine. I AM doing it for my own reasons. I am EXCITED about what I’m doing. Every time I see a mention of that city, I get excited. In fact, today, I was Googling something else, and a hit from his city popped up. I got even more excited, because it’s a community I could be really interested in. I think I am really meant to be in that city. I’m looking forward to it. And he was the conduit that made it happen.

I’ve been a single mom for 23 years… yep! I have one child that is 17 years older than the other.. and right when my oldest was graduating, my youngest was just an infant breastfeeding… its wonderful!!!

so my youngest is almost 9…

I can say being a single mom is great in a lot of ways.. and far far better than being in a bad relationship and trying to parent…

Lots of great times together.. growing together watching them become strong beautiful beings… it’s so precious…

@ Hana that is a wonderful thought to have when you drift off to sleep…

Thanks for that!

……………………………..

I’m so excited today I think I found a cure for my hearing impairment I can’t believe it.. In Germany… I could very well cure my Minere’s Disease…

and giggling with my “E” tonight and singing songs in the small pool.. outside… I love being a grown up kid… that can act like a kid when I want to… it’s fun!

crying has brought me such a peaceful emptiness tonight that I’m looking forward to filling up with something wonderful!…

102 – “What do you say when someone says their life is falling apart?”

I would say, “What’s going on?” I’m sure it would feel good for him or her to talk it through, to bring clarity and to receive your compassion. As s/he talks, I would ask more questions…why? What’s going on? How did that happen? How do you think you can solve it? How do you feel?

And maybe s/he will come up with her or his own solutions. And if you want to, you could ask, “Can I help in some way?”

Brenda here…I feel the same way as you that my standards only go higher. The more toxic men I get to know, the more elite my tastes go. I would literally rather be single than to be with the wrong man just for the sake of being with a man.

I like the concept of investing only if there is a future in it. However, I also think something as valuable and deep as romance takes time to develop. If I think there is at least some promise there in a man, in some ways, I like to slow down the pace of our getting to know each other, as if I have all the time in the world. There is something that happens in a space of unhurried time that cannot be observed in rushed time.

And I want my romance to last forever, so I am willing to take my time to get to know the right man. I want to see a man in a natural situation acting as he really would if he were not trying to impress a woman. For example, I silently observe him closely to see how he interacts with waitresses; his own children; other people’s children; senior citizens; people with disabilities. That tells me far more than asking him how he responds to such-and-such situation.

Just to give you an idea, for me, my pets are a big deal. I have two German Shepherds and four cats, and they are like children to me. Men who have come to my house (and not just any man gets invited to my house) have no idea how much they were tested on simply how the interacted with my animals. If I hear, “Move, pooch! Get down!”? Major turn-off! He treats them with low regard.

Will he treat our children with low regard? That is just one example. I mean, I realize not everyone treats animals like they are human like I do, LOL. But when someone is well developed inside, he will take an interest in a woman’s fur friends. If he doesn’t, he is not the man for me.

175 = Yesss, the silence! You said it beautifully part of what I was trying to say to Erika in what I just wrote. In silence, we learned to feel each other’s vibe of that moment. What a beautiful thing! It feels rich and full!

Sounds good to me. I finally realized that. Whether it was at the last minute and our marriage is over is feels good to just stop everything and focus on little ole me for once. I took a step back to look at myself and did not like what I saw. So now my eyes are open and focused.

Yea I see animals on a human level too. It’s a big part of why I stopped eating meat. My cats still eat meat though and I feel a little sad about that. I want all the animals to feel safe and free.

And yea if the guy is a real candidate then I would feel interested to learn more … Most of the time, though, I know right away that he’s not a candidate and then I’m not going to invest. I didn’t have this clarity years ago, and I went down a lot of blind alleys. I didn’t trust my intuition enough either. I thought I “should” date men even when I knew immediately they weren’t right for me. I don’t think that anymore. I’m not doing any more dating. I’ll know when it’s right. I feel very, very clear about this.

I also believe, thankfully, that there is no way to mess it up. That who our real partner is … is foreordained. So I really do believe I can take care of myself, get massages, run my business, and mostly hang out at home … and still I can’t mess it up … he’ll find me. This feels like a very relaxed place to be, and I like it very much

198 Lisa – Yes. I think we are lucky to be able to experience how much better being a single parent is than being in a bad relationship “just for the kids” I see couples do this all the time and it really makes me feel so sad for the children.

I spend my whole day at work talking and writing e-mails, and so I really appreciate the opportunity to just *be* in my relationship. I wonder if he senses this. I am also not a big talker and he doesn’t try to engage me in a lot of conversation, and I SO appreciate him for this.

We talk a bit during the times we are together and there are some messages on the days we don’t, but there is a lot of quiet and I feel more secure than ever. The vibe I feel through the silence is so loving and accepting and positive, as you say. There is no arguing.

As an example, last night I had the most perfect night with D. I was exhausted and he was not feeling well. After a brief cuddle, he went through to his bed and I went about fixing myself something to eat and a glass of wine, reading my book, having a nap, putting on a movie for myself. He brought me tea and got on with his own thing. I so appreciated this. Then after a few hours, when he was finished doing what he was doing, he came and lay next to me and chatted for a little while, then wrapped me in his arms, buried his face in my neck and went to sleep.

This is how it’s been most of the week. Very little has been said, and I’ve never felt more content.

I just love this. And I agree it seems to be when you’re on the same wavelength and there is not a lot of need for talking, as you both seem to sense the energy and also seem to sense what is going on with the other without a lot of need for words.

In my own relationship, I have become very conscious that I am the one leading emotionally. I guess I didn’t realize it, or fought against it before, but now I embrace this role. And D is definitely the one who leads on practical matters. We both seem to understand this. And though I contribute in practical things, and he contributes emotionally, it is more or less like that.

Indigo most men if not all look to women to lead emotionally. Yesterday I read something that said men don’t naturally seek relationships. What they seek out is that feminine energy so wherever they find it that feeds them the most they most likely will nest there.

Something I am noticing that I am getting better at is not to feel like crap after deciding someone is not good for me. Before I would be without eating for days feeling all kinds of stuff and feeding my feelings with self destructive thoughts. The only thing I wish to learn is to leave sooner and not waste my time so much. But I am getting better at this.

There is so much positive healing that seems to be being done the blog feels very warm and nurturing and at other times exciting and yay!

Yay is definitely a feeling

Hana I love your thoughts for before you’re going to sleep feels dreamy and safe and yummy – he is out there somewhere going about his thing and one day you will meet – yes that feels right and lovely

Tereana – yes to your revelation about surrendering to being pregnant – you could have been writing from inside my mind – i too have always desired a baby but never got pregnant and wondered about that – I know my friend decided that she wanted one absolutely full surrender and within a couple of months she was pregnant to a man who she is not in a relationship with but is a good dad nonetheless – I often wonder if actually I have a lot of resistance to the idea regardless of my longing that I hold back for the right time the right time or for some other reason – maybe I feel afraid of the reality – I too am disappointed by my period – just before my birthday I was three weeks late and I felt such turmoil over the not pregnant – I am trying to trust that everything works out in good time but I also recognise I may construct my own resistance

Indigo – your updates feel lovely I am experiencing lovely times with my man/not man – there is more of a flow and I feel ok to be in a relationship with him where so far he is yet to confirm the perimeters of this – if he is going to leave my life then I am going to choose to spend this time with him as the woman I would be ‘in relationship’ regardless and regardless of the outcome I know I will feel ok and I’m not having to lean so far back as he is coming quite comfortably forward – I am choosing trust and recognising that he has demonstrated so far anyway that it is safe to trust him

This is a beautiful story.. Look at the video when she mentions her shells; it kinda got me!

Love like the ocean:

“Cynthia Riggs and Howard Attebery got married this May at 81 and 91, respectively—after 62 years apart. They met in 1950, while working together in the lab at Scripps Institution of Oceanography. As they worked, their friendship grew and they began passing messages to each other by cryptogram. Then, the summer ended. Cynthia went back to school in Ohio. They went their separate ways, and moved on with their lives.
Then, in January 2012, Cynthia received an unexpected package in the mail”

Luzydel…………………….. I feel so thankful that you posted that video. I needed that very much. Thank you for the lightness in my soul sweet lady. I have tears and am very thankful for them.Big deep breathe to release some more and I am letting it flow throughout my body. You are an angel Luzydel. I have the thought in my mind………….. Just in the nick of time.:) Thank you again:) Have a marvelous day Luzydel and thank you again

I have also realised that my deeper inner work is one of creating joy and happiness in my life. And, getting myself past the idea I obsessed over as a teenager – that it is unfair for me to have joy when there is so much suffering in the world.

How do you feel to hear that? That the inner work is about having more and more FUN and good feelings?

It’s been a revelation for me. My heart feels lighter being on the planet.

I do know that so many have that thought about “it is unfair for me to have joy when there is so much suffering in the world” I haven’t ever had that belief… that I’m aware of…

I do have other beliefs that might be similar that I carried from my childhood… that I shouldn’t be happy, or don’t deserve to have what I want…

Yesterday I cried so much and YES! it felt good to get it OUT shew! My belief I did TheWork on was ‘it’s no use in trying” I’ve had that belief since I don’t know how young… and when I did the turn around… the sobbing just flew out… to release such a limiting belief….that has just been festering in me most of my life…

and that belief in itself creates situations that are doomed from the start… so now!!! I get to use the turn around for my mantra… “there is a use in trying!!!”” life and love is worth trying, working and be open to…

the layers that get peeled off… is just incredible.. for me… I get to know me more and more… and understand why my NV’s are there… to protect me… they (NV’s) think they are helping…

and then I get to give myself new beliefs… it’s amazing… AND I do feel wonderful about what you said… the inner work IS about having more FUN, JOY and PEACE all good feelings!!!

I got on Rori’s newsletter list again, and I really like the new newsletters …

Today I’m taking care of myself by going to the spa again even though I went yesterday. My body is calling out for the extra support, and I deserve to be supported. I signed up for the 110 minute massage and I feel happy to devote the day to relaxation and having people take care of me.

“A healed mind does not plan.” I have no plan for my life now other than a plane ticket to Bali …

Hello everyone, peace and blessings to all… having a won fearful day, just feel at peace with my surroundings. It just washed over like a pure wave. Just wanted to encourage each of your to remember that in your center is something that makes you all wonderful beautiful and capable of reaching all you desire.

“I ask them to have lunch and even bring them soup incase they can’t get out. Said no thanks. I ask if I could call tomorrow and said “let me think about it” what does this mean for both replies. an I get some opinions please”

I’m not sure of the context, but this feels like you are leaning forward and it is not wanted.
If it were me I would cease initiating, or offering kindnesses. Sometimes men see this as disrespect, and get annoyed because they feel under pressure when we start to row the boat.

Ok – so I have a date with CollegeCD tonight – he has been texting me how excited he is. He asked if “we were there yet” meaning – can he wear shorts and flip flops….which I GUESS is fine. Ugh. I wish there was more of an attempt to impress me but I know he is trying to be cute.

Anyway – I said yes, that we can do whatever but my ex and child are getting back to the house by 8pm so we have to be gone by then. I said to just let me know what we are doing so I can know the dress code.

But, now I’m waiting for his answer. I”m wondering if I should offer some restaurants around here since he doesnt know the area – there are some cool ones I know he would NEVER know of. One with a DJ tonight, etc. Or, the other idea would be to watch one Firefly show and eat in. (I’m not saying I would cook – he could bring takeout here, etc.)

What do you think? Is that rowing? Is that leaning in? I feel like it is – but it sort of feels natural to do that? I dont know. I havent yet – just wanted to get your advice.

It may feel natural to you, but is it leading to the relationship that you want?

If you plan the evening you are taking away one of the greatest pleasures a guy has–that is, planning a date and experiences your pleasure in the date.

If you plan the restaurant and activities, how will you know if this man is someone who can provide what you need in a relationship?

He wants to wear shorts and flip-flops on the second date. You say “ugh”….why not tell him that it feels a little casual to you, or icky, or whatever. Perfect situation to use a feeling message in. If you can’t be honest with him, them he will be surprised when–at some point–he realized that you are not o.k. with how he is and what he does. right?

Personally I think it’s a little soon to be worrying about trying to “guide” the date, which is a little leany forward.

I think this is the stage of dating where a guy is revealing himself to you, and I would be more in the “curious” mode than the worrying mode.

I realize you feel a little weird by him wanting to wear shorts and flip flops, but he did ask you which shows that he does respect you. I’m not sure it shows that he is not trying to impress you. Maybe see if you can go with the flow and enjoy it…

According to Carol Allen’s ‘Love-blocking Cycles’ report, I am currently in the middle of a two-year difficult period. She says it is tough to find love during such a period, and that it will be frustrating to try to do so.

BUT…it’s a perfect time for inner work, therapy and healing. So… I get to circular date as much as I want with no expectation or agenda other than facilitating my own healing and growth.

Hana! Hi, so good to hear from you – when I’m driving around Joburg I think of you sometimes. There’s only one salsa club that we wanted to go to but it only opens on a weekday night and from 9pm – maybe when winter’s over.

I have difficulty receiving. I’ve noticed something keeping myself back from opening up, giving out. Usually I’m sad with myself that I can’t do this but now maybe I’m suspecting there’s an insistence in myself. I believe it’s an insistence on ‘love me properly as a person deserving of the dearest love’ but I’m not sure since it’s a very deep insistence. I only recognized it today as insistence. It’s also very strong in the sense that I can feel shut down, my body can close up even if I want to be open.

And I notice that what I desire is intimacy and I can feel myself searching for that in my interactions – it’s an energy that has ‘No, we will eat together; No I will share with you how I feel; No I will value the interactions in which intimacy is possible’ in it – it feels like a very strong resistance.

ThAnks April Rose….. the thing is about the soup and the guys getting mad and all that. If a guy gets ma d over a bowl of soup and can’t handle a little boat rowing what does that say Bout the guy( it’s easy to stay in someone’s own world and shout disrespect)…. guys get pissed, but the thing is what will they do about it. (Nothing)personally, I am kind because that’s my nature and i would rather die a horrible death like having to listen to someone talk incestuous to the point that I have no oxygen to breath, ” I actually know a man like this” then not give the very best I have. And if it’s not wanted.. that’s ok because I’m not who I am or how I am for anyone it just my nature… I will love who I love with no agenda because I love not because I get back. Shewww!!.. I have witnessed the zoonanny at her prime and so the rest is what it is. I say it’s terms of endearment. April Rose I hope(really do!) I didn’t misinterpret your post… much love to all. I got potatoes soup if anyone wants.some

ThAnks April Rose….. the thing is about the soup and the guys getting mad and all that. If a guy gets ma d over a bowl of soup and can’t handle a little boat rowing what does that say Bout the guy( it’s easy to stay in someone’s own world and shout disrespect)…. guys get pissed, but the thing is what will they do about it. (Nothing)personally, I am kind because that’s my nature and i would rather die a horrible death like having to listen to someone talk incestuous to the point that I have no oxygen to breath, ” I actually know a man like this” then not give the very best I have. And if it’s not wanted.. that’s ok because I’m not who I am or how I am for anyone it just my nature… I will love who I love with no agenda because I love not because I get back. Shewww!!.. I have witnessed the zoonanny at her prime and so the rest is what it is. I say it’s terms of endearment. April Rose I hope(really do!) I didn’t misinterpret your post… much love to all. I got potatoes soup if anyone wants.some

Elsie I don’t see it as leaning forward to talk about restaurants in your area with a man who is coming and don’t know the area. I believe it is all dependent on how you share that information. If he asks I would go ooohh Indian would feel yummy. Or something like let me check in with myself to see what I feel like having. Then say I feel like having some yummy indian curry or whatever. Then he likely would ask you if you know of one close by. Or maybe even go to an area where there are more than one eating places and gush about something you that felt scrumptious in your mouth and tummy. When let a man stumble in the dark around an area that he doesn’t know? How could he possibly get things right?

I just found this blog today. I felt like someone read my journals and shared my secret thoughts with the world. Luzydel #30 brought tears to my eyes. I have been doing this all wrong. The man who pulled away from me has come in and out of my life five times over the last 25 years. This last time was while I was married to an abusive spouse. We instantly connected and he was initiating contact. We have logged many hours on the phone (he lives in another state), FB and skype over the last nearly 4 years. But in the last year I felt a shift. We only speak if I initiate contact and he seems very distant. Now, I have divorced and moved out of my home and he is basically ignoring me. So in a bold move on my part, I told him I’m done chasing him. I sent a scathing email outlining my hurt and disappointment and vowing to never call, text or do any of the things I’ve been doing for the last 4 years to show him I care. That was a week ago. His reply to my email was two letters – OK. I am crushed and I’ve been crying and feel like a fool. Now what?

My eyes hurt from swimming, think I’m going to give them break…. much respect for all here. I think I understand now the principles that make this a good place 2 EXPRESS our inner most selves in a enviornment that is friendly and safe. Wonderful .. goodnight.

Elsie – he asked you if it was ok to wear shorts and flip flops, so that shows he cares about your opinion which in my opinion is better than assuming as a way to try and impress you. You said it was fine so that’s on you 😉

Veronica, one of the issues I’ve done a lot of clearing around for myself is receiving … I discovered that I had a lot of subconscious beliefs that the “hidden” costs of receiving were too high … that there would always be a “catch” … “strings attached” … guilt … the other person mad later … and so forth … So it felt too scary to receive based on past experiences.

I’m still clearing this stuff. I’ve worked with many, many people who have the same pattern and block. So we are not alone in this. I cleared a bunch more with this recent guy because I thought he was giving to me as a friend, since I had made clear that I did not want a romantic or sexual relationship. And then I got blindsided while I was traveling with his “what took you so long to come around to having a life partnership with me?” email … ewwwww yucky … so it was more clearing on receiving …

Well guys my date did not happen. For some reason after texting me all week saying nothing but nice things to me, he disappeared today. I thought it was a bit weird. I feel ok about not going out but did feel it was a good step forward. I had a tarot card reading. It told me a few ways my life was headed. Now I’m not sure how truth these readings are but it was helpful. It said my husband was confused about our situation and he has a lot of issues to deal with. He list his younger brother to violence. It also told me not to get involved with any guy right now. It said my thoughts are based on my husband and marriage. I find my self struggling trying to get these thoughts out of my head but they tend to pop in and out. It told me to focus on being a single mother of 4 for right now. So weird.

Erika – It’s really sweet that you love animals so much, and that it makes you sad that you’re kitties eat meat. But trust me, in order for your cats to be “safe and free” they need to eat what they need to eat. I read a story recently about kittens that were brought into a vet in Australia, basically dying of malnourishment, because they owners tried to raise them on a vegan diet. The kittens were revived by feeding them just a little bit of meat.

For humans, we’re omnivorous. We can survive without meat if we choose to. But animals that subsist on meat can’t really make that choice, and we shouldn’t be the ones to make it for them. In a way, that’s a form of control, and it gives me a sick, icky feeling low in my abdomen.

For me, what feels best is to feed my kitties what makes them happiest and healthiest.

If you want to feel better about it, you can always search for organic or even free-range pet foods. They are out there.

Sophie – 213: Thanks for sharing that about your feelings around pregnancy. A lot of that really resonated with me, too! I also feel like I’m waiting for “the right time” or to “be ready.” But really, all I need to do is to be able to say Yes in the moment.

Tereana, thanks for your concern. I actually believe that the belief that cats need to eat meat is just a belief. And that the lion will lie down with the lamb. That animals will stop being predators when we stop being predators because they are just a mirror. That said, after last year and everything I went through with Fritz, I’ll be waiting for a “clear miracle solution” before doing a non-meat diet for them. I feel more comfortable letting the angels handle this one.

204 – That’s beautiful! I am in the process of stopping eating meat. I was a vegetarian in the past, and I felt much better. I have seen so much gross stuff about the cruel way animals are handled at farms and slaughter chambers that I just can’t enjoy meat anymore if I wanted to (I recommend “Animal Cruelty Exposed” on facebook).

I believe God wants to be a MatchMaker if we give him space to. I prayed for that abo)ut 9 years ago after reading a book by that title (“God is a Match Maker”, by Derek Prince). He met both of his wives supernaturally. The first was a solid 30 years older, yet they had 30 some happy years together.

I believe my relationship with R is supernatural, and, after about 5 years, it is starting to come together at last. He is 15 years younger, and he is my match in very deep ways that other men don’t begin to touch.

Speaking of animals, I like it when my German Shepherd leans the length of her back against the side of my leg, as she is doing now while I am sitting up in bed. It feels so warm, loving, and secure. Animals add so much to life.

I also feel yucky about feeding my pets meat, and I am hoping to get a vegetarian diet from a friend who has a dog rescue friend who feeds them full vegetarian. I will let you know if I get the diet.

In the past, my naturopathic vet said that cats can live on meat alone, but dogs would not get full nutrition. He explained how in the wild, wolves eat the contents of the stomachs of the herbivores they eat. So I routinely add vegetables to my girls’ food. What works best is baby spinach or lettuce cut up small. I found tomatoes and or tomato sauce (not paste) is good for cleansing for them, too.

I also feed them cooked mixed vegetables, corn, peas, etc.

One thing that horrifies me is many lower grade pet food companies put dead cats and dogs into the dog and cat food. It is an atrocity that sickens me to no end.

Hi FW, followed your advise in the last post, and reached out to this guy i was emailing. Said I would be visiting his city on work, and would love to meet him.
No response in two days ( I know I shouldn’t have checked, but was feeling curious and I did ;-), and he has been online).

So I have an answer, he is not feeling interest or desire for me.
I feel sad, and I feel I OK.
I like desire coming towarss me, and loads of interest. I am going to be where I feel surrounded by desire and interest for me.

I feel good about FW’s advise to “reach out”.
When you lean forward once in awahile, to see what happens, you also get answers..:). Thanks FW.

Yes you do Sunflower. Including how you feel being in the masculine. You get to see what you can create and get clarity on where you want to invest your energy. Now you get to decide if this guy come towards you in the future how to respond because you are clear on what you want.

I feel nervous, feels like I have a growing balloon in my chest pressing to get out. My head feels heavy and overheated, and my eyes feel strained like they can’t stop going around searching for “the right thing to do”.
Okay, take all this, drop it into my pelvis. Dropping it down. I can feel this. They are feelings, they won’t hurt me, they just want to be heard. Feel them. My neck feels really tense. Drop that too. Looong breath out. Ahh… It feels a lot better now.
I press send. Mmm, I feel better now. I feel excited and all bubbly in my stomach going on a date tonight. I feel all smiley also over how CD spoke to me. Leaning back feels so scary, but so wonderful every time something happens without me having to put effort to it.

Also Sunflower, his lack of response may have nothing to do with you or the fact that you initiated. Do not take it personal. There may be other things going on on his side. Yep you got your answer, but it was not because you leaned forward or backward; well nothing you did provoked his lack of response. He may have never intended on meeting you to begin with. So leaning forward actually helped you find out before you got more invested…

Erika -247 – Thank you for reminding me that this is an ongoing process. For some reason I had thought that it was a mind shift that I needed to do. And I kept feeling like I was failing.

Gosh that e-mail is gross – all I feel when I think of it is RUN! It feels deeply underhanded and manipulative.

My fear around receiving also includes my anxiety and past experiences of ‘I have received and appreciated what you have given to me and over time I am led to believe through your words and actions that there is love or friendship growing between us’ only to be discarded later on and not even informed of that happening. That is what I’m afraid of – the betrayal – and it really cuts me.

As to me it feels obvious that it would take two years of inner work to get to grieve and do inner work if letting go of an old realtionshipkes. As two years is normal amount of time it takes to grieve. And also that cding as in dating myself friends men etc would help so long as I didn’t get invested, start a new realtionship of have sex in that time. To use this time to cd to find the real me again, what I did and didn’t want and get some healthier boundaries, treating myself better. Not to be out there desperate to find a man or the one or losing myself even more geting involved with the wrong man or men for me.

It isn’t just some men who are predetors who will prey on vulnerable women, there are women too. And women are more vulnerable to astrology and such at times like this.

I don’t mind using the masculine sometimes, to smoke out those who come in the way of desire of my feminie, and give her space to draw in what she wants.
The ‘she’ is happy, sipping single malt, feeling high with herself..;-).

We got the keys to Kahanu Yoga & Meditation Spa! For the first time since we started this whole process, we were able to open our own doors! Seems small but it feels huge to us. Designs are out for bid and we’re really, really going to SEE progress. Up until now, we’ve just been imagining it.

well, ladies… it seems that my concern is not in the same cathegory as yours maybe, cause you are searching your partner forever and I fell in love by email. He is my email-lover, no cyberlover because we don’t skype or chat or use the cameras. I met him accidentally in an online game and since then we have interchange a lot of hot emails..
we will never meet or even have the opportunity to talk (he just sent me his photo last week) but… I fell in love. Amazing but it is possible to be in love with someone this way. Problem is that he is still there but the frequency of his emails have decreased and as a result, I am more in love! so I wonder if Rori’s advices are also valid for this case….

April Rose- You are not crap at relationships. Your picker is doing fine………… you are adjusting it………fine tuning it, if you will. Me too;) We are a work in progress and we are finding our way. Fault shmalt…………….. it is what is April Rose. We are beautiful and learning. Big Hugs sweet siren:)

April Rose- The horoscope thing…………… I am a Chinese Fire Horse. I about cried after reading the dismal and dark findings of that sign. I am also a Archer/Sag………….. the time of birth thing………I don’t even have a Venus Love planet….. I think. I got triggered by the firehorse thing and felt so sad and then went reading about the Sag thing and then gave up……………………. It sucked. I hope for better luck than mine.

Ugh emailing back and forth with a prospect CD, but it is getting boring. I do not ant to be the first on suggesting to take the conbo over the phone, but I hate the email ping pong game. I want to meet and see…

Thank you so much ladies! This is a great time in our lives. We’re moving to another level and it’s exciting!! We have a common dream…goal…mission. Something outside of our relationship we can love together and grow together. Bringing “business partner” into our already existing life partner relationship. It’s scary and exciting all at the same time.

Here’s something I found that I just love. It is what happened to my marriage and it is NOT what will happen to my love this time. We are mindful of the moment and we treat each other with love and respect. Those little things are not going to build up this time…

“Relationships aren’t destroyed by cataclysmic arguments. They are eroded by the little things that happen over time. We’re all excited when a relationship starts. We watch what we do. We edit our actions and mind our words. We gloss over the details because we love the dream of what could be. We sacrifice the now for what we want in the future.

As our relationship grows, we get comfortable. We stop editing ourselves and return to our old habits. Sarcasm drips back into our words. Those little side comments and the not so subtle glances that we once held back are now tossed out without a thought. It’s not that we no longer love it’s just that we not quite as careful of our actions, and neither is your husband, wife, partner or lover.”

Mercedes,
Yes, those daily things…..ugh
When I first found Rori I was determined to be all sireny. Over time, my inner angry girl has started spilling out again.
Time to re-watch Modern Siren methinks.
And to read ‘Your Outer Child’.

I’m so happy you are staying mindful in the moment and treating each other with respect. Is that an unspoken agreement between you and J, or have you discussed it?

thank you for your comment. I feel more peaceful now…we are beautiful and we are learning….Wow.
I feel under so much pressure to be perfect and be doing everything right..
I often feel panicked, thinking I am so far away from where I’d like to be in terms of having my life working effectively.
always learning…phew… feels tiring. I’d like a day off school please.

April Rose: I don’t think we discussed that it was something we had to do but I know we’ve discussed that it is something we do. I know we’ve talked about how important it is to us. And we did make a commitment to always be each other’s best friend. We would never do or say anything to each other that we wouldn’t do or say to a best friend. We treat each other respectfully whether we’re in each other’s presence or not. That part is kind of key for us. “Never do or say anything you wouldn’t do or say if I was sitting next to you.” It’s about loving respect all the time. If we practice it all the time then those other ugly habits are no longer habits and they don’t come creeping in.

For both of us, sitting with ourselves (our true selves) and contemplating who we are and who we want to be…what message we want to send to the world…keeps us strong in the way we want to live our lives. And we both want to live our lives in a way that enhances the other and supports their journey.

We’ve talked about all of these things. But I think we started talking about them right away when things were really, really good. Talking about them when things go bad will probably still help a lot but we saved time by doing it early on. (and by early on, I mean when we got back together and decided to create a real life together…not that fake stuff we had going on in the beginning before it all fell apart).

April Rose: Wow! This so, so much describes where I’ve been and where I’m learning to grow from. Sooooo me…. “I feel under so much pressure to be perfect and be doing everything right..
I often feel panicked, thinking I am so far away from where I’d like to be in terms of having my life working effectively.”

it feels really exciting to hear about how your plans are moving forward Mercedes – yay! – congratulations – it does feel inspiring – evidence that we can create our dreams

April Rose ((Hugs)) I could feel your frustration especially when you were asking why you may choose to stay in something so long – I heard that bit because I could identify – I feel most frustrated when I’m in that stage of feeling stuck and unsure what to do – it feels like wrestling in chains – i am noticing though that there is often for me a precontemplative period like that that feels very uncomfortable and often afterwards there is a breakthrough – I like Seahorses comment to you – it is so true we are all learning and one of the biggest learnings for me is to be gentle with myself as I do

Oh April Rose…I do…I have thoughts like that. I have nasty voices that rise up inside me. I have a journey that I am on. The amazing part about where I am at is that I have a love that is dedicated to supporting my journey…that helps a lot. But yes…I struggle with thoughts that don’t serve me and fears that have no purpose. I’m working through those things all the time. You’re not alone in this…and neither am I.

Veronica, yeah gross is right. Or how about after he gave me Reiki long distance when he sent me a text afterward saying this:

“Your astral self asked me whether I thought you would be a worthy bride.”

OMG, I felt so disgusted. That was the last time I was willing to receive Reiki from him. Horrible boundaries as a healer. I had already told him I was not interested, and I told him again after that text message, rather bluntly. Yet he still later sent the “what took you so long?” email. Blech. I feel vomity just thinking about it …

Today I feel resistance about everything. I don’t feel like showering or working out or recording videos … What I’ve gotten in touch with the past year is this deeper part of me that my whole life has been pissed off about all the things I’ve been forced to DO … just wants to rest and do nothing.

Cris – a fantasy is just that, a fantasy. It exists only in your mind. You cannot bring back someone who has never been there nor fix something that has not been. He may or may not be good practice for when a real live man is there. I hope he can be. You may want to explore your own fears here, intimacy especially. Love to you. xxoo

I’m feeling tired today still from all the purging this week and crying… but peaceful and clear. Thanks for asking!

side note:

“L” had been very attentive in contacting me via text = email and phone…that feels good to have the ease of contact, with no effort from me. He seems honest in his discussions and telling it like it is… I like that.. we haven’t met in person yet, so no expectations …. and that is fine.. but for me to FEEL how it feels to have the contact and the ease of it… having a man want to talk to me.. ask me how I’m doing, what I’m doing, how my evening went…

That feels good… I’d like more of that… please!

Went out with the girls last night… it was so fun! to just BE and not have any man stuff in my mind… no strings hanging on … no need, no desire for a man… but to feel the tingling when I listened to music I like… and dance like no body is watching… felt good…

Oh God. I tried to communicate this evening, and it came out all wrong.

D and I had planned to go out and get a bite to eat and coffee and then come back and hang out together, and he is a sensitive being, he could tell something was niggling at me when I arrived.

Anyway, I eventually decided to say something, because he KNOWS me and he knows when something is wrong. And I said I just wanted to understand about Saturday nights and I still felt nervous because of the time we’d spent apart, that I trusted him completely but I just wanted to understand where he was coming from and about us going to things together. As I said it, I knew it came out all wrong and he got all male and angry.

And yet. The whole thing blew over in a matter of minutes. Even so, he was able to reassure me, basically ask me to trust him, and I felt horrible and apologized. And we both took a little time out to decompress, and then it was all fine again.

Sigh. I feel like an imperfect, messy goddess today, who is still loved.

I love what you say about treating each other with loving respect, and about having someone who is dedicated to supporting your journey.

This feels so important.

I feel as if I have that in D (I am saying tentatively). I remember when it seemed very likely that I would lose my job last year and without my saying anything, he stepped in and offered to support me financially. I feel as if I know that he would always be behind me, whatever I decided to do, and would never question it. This feels so important to me.

I feel sad. I need help with a love script please. My feelings are so blamey and angry. Can someone help me make them loving?

I feel really angry and sad. I feel like throwing a tantrum. I feel like he abandoned me. I feel tricked. but I also don’t know if this is all in my mind. I just feel like he someone really loved me they would call me when they say they would. He went on vacation this week to see his family (I’m going today to visit mine an hour away from his and we were planning on meeting a for a day in the next 10 days… Friday night he called and said he’d call me yesterday to check on me and that I could always call him if I needed(I was feeling lonely on friday)…He never called yesterday and I felt upset. I felt let down. I feel dumb for allowing him to affect my mood. It just feels sad when you feel like you’ve lost a best friend. We were best friends for so long I never thought of any of this stuff. I’d call him when I wanted and felt secure cause he would always pick up and always be the one to usually call me first/want to see me/ etc. Now I feel like I want more. He’s content sleeping over a few nights a week and not calling me the other days. I need more. He never called so I called him twice last night when I got home form work and texted “you never called :(” Not sireny but I was upset and I figure if it’s meant to be nothing I do will affect that …He has still not called me! I’m so upset ..I’m gonna leave it up to him now. He’s also supposed to call me tonight to tell me what day is good to get together out of my available days but we’ll see. I have a bad feeling… If he finally does call and just doesn’t know why I’m upset.. he obviously doesn’t care about my needs. I tried to talk to him about my needs on friday and I just got demanding and whiny and I start to cry cause I’m so sad.

Sorry that was a jumble of feelings. If I do end up seeing him this week on vacation I want to bring up my feelings. I’m starting to feel insecure and I know it’s our exclusivity but I don’t want to break up… How do you think I could phrase my feelings in a non-blamey way while stating what I need?

I woke up feeling good today a real sense of all is well and there was a nice rhythm to my day

i am enjoying CD1 I have no idea what to call him but he feels really engaged with who i am. He says things like when there was a thunder storm in the night, or a gloriously sunny morning or a rainbow I thought of you and finds films to watch that he knows I’ll like and finds ways to help me all the time like fixing my computer and building my exercise machine and doing my washing up and giving me massages and letting me talk (a lot) and bringing me food and so many other things. I feel completely supported by him; completely with my emotions and my passions. That feels nice. That feels safe!

And today has felt calm and relaxing and quiet and I like that a lot. A rainy day which hasn’t left me gloomy but pleased to have been able to stay snuggled up inside; good food; good books lots of nurturing well being. I love days like today.

I feel sad. I need help with a love script please. My feelings are so blamey and angry. Can someone help me make them loving?

I feel really angry and sad. I feel like throwing a tantrum. I feel like he abandoned me. I feel tricked. but I also don’t know if this is all in my mind. I just feel like he someone really loved me they would call me when they say they would. He went on vacation this week to see his family (I’m going today to visit mine an hour away from his and we were planning on meeting a for a day in the next 10 days… Friday night he called and said he’d call me yesterday to check on me and that I could always call him if I needed(I was feeling lonely on friday)…He never called yesterday and I felt upset. I felt let down. I feel dumb for allowing him to affect my mood. It just feels sad when you feel like you’ve lost a best friend. We were best friends for so long I never thought of any of this stuff. I’d call him when I wanted and felt secure cause he would always pick up and always be the one to usually call me first/want to see me/ etc. Now I feel like I want more. He’s content sleeping over a few nights a week and not calling me the other days. I need more. He never called so I called him twice last night when I got home form work and texted “you never called ” Not sireny but I was upset and I figure if it’s meant to be nothing I do will affect that …He has still not called me! I’m so upset ..I’m gonna leave it up to him now. He’s also supposed to call me tonight to tell me what day is good to get together out of my available days but we’ll see. I have a bad feeling… If he finally does call and just doesn’t know why I’m upset.. he obviously doesn’t care about my needs. I tried to talk to him about my needs on Friday and I just got demanding and whiny and I start to cry cause I’m so sad.

Sorry that was a jumble of feelings. If I do end up seeing him this week on vacation I want to bring up my feelings. I’m starting to feel insecure and I know it’s our exclusivity but I don’t want to break up… How do you think I could phrase my feelings in a non-blamey way while stating what I need?

Janie Baby – hugs first to all your sad feelings and all the other feelings that might be there too lots of them perhaps?

If you have got into a bit of a cycle where you are noticing all the ways that he is currently not meeting your needs yet youre sure that you would like to be exclusive with him is there anyway to change tac and see if he begins to meet your needs again anyway by himself by a change in your energy?

by really enjoying the time you spend with him during this trip and other times; by telling him how great it is to hear from him and how much you love the connection; by saying it feels so good to spend time together and you feel happy when it feels like in the beginning (if it does)

i don’t know none of that might sound right to you but I know how when i get stuck on all the things that are going wrong its very difficult to see the things that are going right and the other person will feel that…

Identifying that you feel panicky is good – it might help to create some space for the panicky feelings – can you really sink into what they are about? what is the fear?

If i’m feeling panicky i can’t think clearly so creating some space helps me to get to a more balanced place and then i would be able to think more about whether i was being a doormat and how that felt…even if it took a day or so and if he text just saying im feeling a bit panicky i’ll call you when i feel better…focusing on returning to balance and a more powerful place

Maybe if you are in a more powerful place with your own feelings you won’t feel like a doormat because things will feel clearer for you – it may be that he withdraws when he feels like he can’t make you happy and not because he wants to be disrespectful – maybe from a place of calm and after sometime of reconnecting in a nice way you could tell him about how worried you feel about feeling like a doormat?

The feelings are about feeling alone. Losing my sense of having a family. When I moved for college , I went with my best friend since we were young. She and I drifted apart although we are still best friends but we don’t talk every day. I met him 3 and a half years ago and he became my best friend. He felt like family to me… so now it feels like I’m losing that. IT makes me scared. I feel like he’s gonna decide he’s not gonna want to see me this week and I’m really looking forward to going to the beach together…
I have to finish packing because I’m driving down in 15 minutes haha 5 hour drive. But I was look back on your post later today Sophie. Thank you so much… ATleast I’ll be driving with my dad. some distraction. I hate this feeling though. I feel desperate. eww gross

I feel tired right now right through my bones. Some contentment, and happy, but over it I feel tired. My date went all right, and I just want to scream out loud that all right is not good enough for me! I don’t want all right, I want better. I feel sad and alone.
I’m feeling my sadness and giving it a hug. It’s okay sadness. Now I’m feeling really confused because the sadness totally went away when I imagined giving it a hug. Go figure. Sometimes I really can’t believe how quick changes happen when I allow myself to really feel my feelings. It helps a lot to think of dating etc. as practice. Practice feels light and easy. In my practice session today (XD) I did okay. Tried to feel my feelings, whch was okay. Tried to share how I felt about my experiences, went kinda meh. I feel stupid and every time I get nervous I return to emotionless fact-speak. I even do fake feeling messages by telling how I feel about something without actually feeling it. I also felt more nervous and self conscious being in a really fancy restaurant (and I wore a t-shirt!!!). I am telling myself that I did good because I remembered to think about sharing experiences instead of facts, and to let him say something first when there’s a silence. My head wants to tell me, no I should have done it this way or that, but I am telling myself to remember that what is important is that I noticed what felt wrong and what felt right, and that I haven’t done before. I practiced. I’m going to practice again. This was one step on the journey, not a final exam. It’s okay to feel failure and anxiety. Doesn’t mean I failed. I love my anxiety, no I don’t. I really don’t. I like feeling accomplished, I like feeling in control. No I don’t in control feels hard and tense and yucky. I like feeling safe. Feeling safe is a core need for me. I can feel safe by cherishing myself, I am me, I am beautiful, I deserve compassion and understanding. I can give that to myself. I can love my anxiety and worry because whatever happens I can feel safe in me. I am choosing to give this to myself because I deserve compassion just as much as everyone else. I feel tired processing this much.

@Lisa I feel good reading your post too about how it felt nice to go out dancing and how refreshing it feels when you start feeling the energy and ease of different men – doesn’t it though? It feels great to remember/see the evidence of different kinds of energy – like a cool breeze

Janie baby – I do want to give you a big safe hug and help you to feel that everything is going to be ok – it will be ok – I understand the feelings of fear (well terror actually) at being alone and at the possibility of losing someone you love (or rely on or depend on) and I remember how reactive this place is – I also know that whenever the worst has happened I have always eventually been ok I am a lot stronger than I give my self credit for and chances are you are too – our fears are often a lot more powerful than reality – I have had to do a lot of work around self-soothing reminding myself that all is well and all will be well and i am ok and everything is ok and a lot of work actually sitting with the intensity of those feelings. Breathing through the panic often whilst lying under the duvet doing whatever I can to move through them rather than avoid them and constantly reassuring myself. That’s where the reactive stuff comes in I think when we try to act out or do something to resolve an issue to avoid feeling the feelings. The feelings won’t kill you they will make you stronger.

I have had to breathe through a lot of intensely scary feelings but its no fun living in fear and being thrown into panics – it can still happen to me now but I’m getting much more resilient and I want to learn how to keep my sense of safety even when things feel scary so I will keep trying.

I wonder if somehow if you befriend your afraid feelings it might help give you a clearer perspective.

I don’t feel very confident posting back! You wanted help to know what to say and I have focused on the feelings of panic and fear. This is key though for me in every area of my life; reassuring myself that I am ok and safe whatever happens and allowing myself time to move through the panic so that I can process a bit more clearly. I hope your drive with your dad is nice

Re needing 2 years to grieve – I think that is crap. Why would I decide ahead of time that if a relationship fails I will need 2 years of dragging myself down with heavy energy and walking around half alive? Or should I say half dead? I choose to believe that I am the one who gets to choose.

Angel – I love your processing I felt smiley reading it it felt so natural and so easy to identify with

“I like feeling safe. Feeling safe is a core need for me. I can feel safe by cherishing myself, I am me, I am beautiful, I deserve compassion and understanding. I can give that to myself. I can love my anxiety and worry because whatever happens I can feel safe in me. I am choosing to give this to myself because I deserve compassion just as much as everyone else.”

Love this this is where I am with myself – loving myself even when I ‘do things wrong’ giving myself compassion cos don’t I just deserve it I love your line about not loving your anxiety too ha ha yep its a b’tch but we can be compassionate with our anxiety – yay!

April Rose – lovely soft rainy twilight evening – it does feel soft i was feeling that just now the rain is lightly tapping against the window and I have a candle burning – I do feel cherished by him for being me but i’m laughing at myself for noticing no text today ha ha I am choosing trust

Re Carol Allen’s reports – I do believe they have some validity. I also do believe if we send our energy and beliefs into them we could stand in our own way. I believe they should be taken for what they are – information. I believe grace and faith can possible change things by ushering in miracles. I prefer to believe that miracles can happen so I can keep looking for them.

Met this great, tender, smart, funny, sweet, guy, a lawyer, did all the rori stuff (THANKS RORI) everything went like a charm. He wants to marry me, just yesterday he took me to meet his mother and told her right in front of me “mom this is the girl I want to marry”. He has mowed my yard, gone to court for me, given me money for mortgage, loves my cats, written me over 400 emails, 30 love letters ( I am not exaggerating) and bought me a new cell phone. I feel so happy and comfortable with him, he tells me I am his best friend. He even set a date!! 6/6/14.

Just one thing bugs me. And thinking of it in light of everything it seems so childish. But it needles me!!

I feel so silly about this after typing it. But here it is. He is always making the comment about other women, usually “she’s hot”. He seems to expect me to agree and notice and relish the opinion. I am so angry, I dont give a flying f–ck about other women and think this is disrespectful and creeps me out. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just hugs me and says “oh come on, I love you, you are the best thing that every happened to me, I love you with all my heart, they mean nothing to me.” “you are the love of my life.” Then this afternoon I was starting to talk about a movie I saw and the male actor and he interrupted with “oh you think he is hot?” I was astounded and told him so. That is so damn dumb to me. In my book you dont tell your partner, so and so is hot and all. He would die if he knew what I thought about this 23 year old guy at work. I am 55. My fiancee is 58. I could roll in the hay with that tasty morsel in a heartbeat but I dont love him. He is just a good looking dude. Why do I feel filled with rage and insecurity at his comments? What is wrong with me?

“You’ve inspired me to discover a new life for myself” (“I don’t want to live with you any more.”)

Sorry ladies, but I have to interrupt this exercise to have a rant.

B*stard! I hardly come near you. And you act like I’m in your face any time I speak. Unless I’m standing there in just my undies handing you a cup of tea. And I won’t be doing that every five minutes, you w*nker.

How DARE you feel overwhelmed by me or activated into your fear of engulfment? You don’t want to engage!!! Lazy f*cking sod. AAARRRGGGGHHHH I feel so humiliated, being here in this place, with you CONTROLLING ME WITH YOUR DISTANCE. F*CK YOU!!!

“No more.” How many times have I said this to myself?
I need to tell the truth to my inner girl. I’m sorry sweetheart, for keeping you in the presence of this man who has no regard for us or interest in our feelings.

The Psychic Told Her She Was Cursed – Is That True?
Rori Raye
Saturday, 24 July 2010

I have a love/hate relationship with the idea of psychic ability and psychics. I’ve taken sessions with lovely friends who are psychics, like Ann O’Brien and Lisbeth Kimbrough and Lorrie Kazan, and “channelers,” and “intuitives” and “sensitives” – and when they are women (and men) I love and feel good with and trust – I welcome their insights – as long as they do not even MENTION anything about or “in” the future.

I do NOT believe that ANYTHING is predetermined. I believe that everything morphs (even that bacteria and cells in our body that we label “bad” at one moment can turn “good” in the next…and there’s science to back that one up…).

I do believe that we are driven to repeat situations over and over until we learn what we need to learn from that situation, even from that pain, and that to interrupt those “patterns” takes the work of self-awareness and the willingness to move into the unknown: the “unknown” being everything that ISN’T in the patterns we’re so used to repeating and re-enacting.

Here’s a letter from Maureen that lets me jump off a bit into this:

“Hi Rori :

Remember how I was telling you about that guy in France that has a girlfriend…?…well, she ended up calling me and telling me that she is his wife …drama. Which is not true (she’s not his wife) – in any case – too much drama so we ended our chats (me and man)..

What amuses me is that I have been attracted to these men that I have to win somehow over someone or something somehow it hurts to see that I do that to myself. The thing is that I never win or never have won..and of course it leaves me feeling that I am not good enough…

After I broke it of with the man Jim, the doctor I told you about who was married – I was devastated and felt lost so I went to a psychic that I have know for 20 years and of course what the cards showed was a broken heart and a women devastated and in pain..and she said that I had a curse from someone in Peru and that I had bad karma with men and bad luck and all of that it really hurt me and it brought me back to so many times when I have been told this when I was younger and very susceptible.

Of course she offered prayers and stuff for which I would have to pay more money… I told her that I would pray myself… She also told me that I wouldn’t be able to get over Jim on my own, that I would need her help… And that I wouldn’t meet anyone else significant for another few month or years ..sounds dreadful…then of course I buy into this or feel like a victim of this.

But of course when things like this happen I do feel cursed I do feel bad and wrong and maybe even self punish because I feel bad about wanting to take someone from someone else…Maybe I end up doing it to myself

I don’t know why I do this and this happens over and over – or is all this propelling me to move forward and stop all this behavior that is so detrimental to me…? I ask God for help and guidance but it seems to come too late..or not soon enough. Help!
Maureen.”

My friend (she’s on my Commitment Blueprint program) Virginia Feingold Clark can help you with this – she’s a great relationship coach AND a hypnotherapist, so she can help you undo some of your programming that’s driving you to hurt and punish yourself. You can email her from her fabulous blog – ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.

I send you to her not only because she’s a great coach, but because she has her own story about being gullible to psychics, etc. (it’s all in the book she’s writing – It’s Never Too Late to Marry, and I’ll be the first to let you know when it comes out…) – and so her story will resonate with you…

Maureen – this is going to take work – on YOU, for YOU, with YOU, by YOU.

Coaches and therapists can help you – but the work is YOURS to DO.

There’s no way around you putting in the work to undo your old, useless patterns.

AND – it’s not that HARD! It just takes baby-steps and the willingness to put one foot in front of the other in the easiest, most fun way possible.

The baby-steps will get you out of the pattern – that’s all it is – a PATTERN – that you can BREAK…you’re just not getting there yet – but you WILL!!!!

This is a major league thing you have to do for yourself – dabbling won’t do.

You have to study spiritual stuff, you have to do the exercises, the breathing, the meditation – you have to work with someone who’ll help you get through your triggering.

AND – you have to LOVE YOURSELF through it all! That’s what I’m here for for you…to see that what’s going on is you’re pushing through your old patterns!

When you feel anxiety, and start to retreat to old behaviors, that’s your clue that you’re about to breakthrough to another level – that you’re about to peel away another layer of your “onion” – that you’re about to “lose” some props and defenses you’ve depended on most of your life.

It’s a signal of real CHANGE.

You are in transition, and what’s happening is that you’re fighting change, and that’s why you feel so bad – but….this is GOOD!!!!

Just stay aware of how bad these kinds of men, and all this punishment you’re heaping on yourself – with your own self-blame, and by “hiring” men to beat you up emotionally – FEELS to you.

As you get more aware, you’ll start to get rid of all these guys in your life EARLIER, and EASIER.

You can do this to help you move more quickly – Circular Date JUST to try out new kinds of guys and lots of them, and you’ll see – it will get better…

A “curse” – to me – is a “pattern” we are unable to see or feel unable to break.

And what’s important to know is that the pattern was ours to create – even if the pain that triggered it (the first step in the pattern being the first coping skill we created – like lying or going numb or attacking and defending, or smiling and pretending to be okay, or deferring and apologizing and bowing and scraping, or pleading and begging) was triggered by someone else.

It was US who developed that coping skill – a skill that was truly meant to PROTECT us – and turned it into this never-ending and self-dooming pattern that shows up like an armed guard even when we don’t NEED its protection.

The time for that kind of “protection” is long past.

That kind of protection only keeps us from LOVE. It closes down and covers up our hearts and makes us feel like we’ll be lost without it.

It’s like a horrible, narcissistic mother who teaches you that you will not survive without her – and so you believe that.

But not only will you survive WITHOUT that protection – you will THRIVE without it.

Because that protection brings a horrible pain of it’s own. In order to “protect” you from the original pain you suffered – it stops you from having anything you truly do WANT.

It smacks you down, punishes you, tells you you’re guilty of something (you’re not) and then makes you beat yourself up over ever little moment along the way.

It designed the pattern, keeps it alive, applies it to you regularly and at the drop of a hat, and keeps you IN LINE.

It SAYS it’s there to keep you “safe” – but what it really means is that it keeps you LOCKED DOWN.

I want to unlock you.

Unlocking doors that have been long shut in your mind, heart and body require fortitude. A bit of bravery. Willingness. And practice.

Practice alone will undo and unwind and decimate these old patterns – and if you take it in baby-steps, you won’t feel so scared that you automatically stop yourself.

But you WILL trigger the Nasty Voices inside you that speak from the “pattern” and want you to stay locked down. That want you to say “in line.”

Just keep saying NO to the old and YES to the new.

I totally, on top of the work you do for yourself, if you can manage it financially – suggest you invest in help – real coaches with real track records – and commit to doing the Tools and loving yourself 24/7!!!

Nanceen – How about having a heart to heart with him? Not just mentioning it, a true heart to heart. – eg. Hearing about other women makes me feel sad/upset/insecure/less than/some other adjective. I don’t want to feel this way with you. What can we do here? xxoo

What a difference a day can make, woke up this morning and realized that all this time I have been looking for some explanation for feeling like I lost my best friend, and I come to a river of opportunity being channled here to this spot.. with all of you here. Sometimes it helps to read the tommyknockers too. now I still feel good knowing that it’s not a frightening thing when the face turns a little more each day, till u come full circle and are staring it in the eyes. That’s when u make it or break it. It’s really a peaceful feeling when u consider the benefits of EFT or no it isn’t ” cause it is. Lol:)
Thanks for healing with my moods everyone and thanks for your spiritual trans. I am feeling a change in the room… crispy..

Side note. T h a t word Zoonanny wsn’t a typo and I’m sorry I misrepresented my words when I said it was. And for the late reply to you question, which I believe I the comment was made to rose. Anyway the word was a nik name I called my ex from a relationship before my daughter was born. I learned not to”very well I might add” not to upset the peaceful flow of the ice watery quiet whistling t.v. time that they had become soo accustomed to..

Oh, my – it’s all getting away from me. Holidays, and now I’m jamming to get ready for the filming of my newest program around Circular Dating – I still don’t have a title for the program – but it’s all around being a “Diva” and so I’m renaming Circular Dating (and expanding what it’s all about) to “Diva Dating.”

(Perhaps you’re planning to come to the filming, and I’ll get to meet you and work with you onstage.)

Hope your holidays were brilliant and – even if they were disappointing in some ways – I know we’re going to tease out the lessons and the diamonds in your experiences.

I’ve wanted to reprint this article I wrote some time ago – it’s always been one of my favorites – called “Highway of Love” – and so here it is:

A psychic practitioner stopped me at the end of a party yesterday, and told me I was about to have a detour. Today. I don’t quite remember the exact words she used, but it was something along the lines of “Right now you’re going down the 405, and you’re about to take a detour, and then you’ll have to decide what you want to do with your life.”

And then she disappeared.

Okay. So one part of me sees only possibilities in that scenario -Wow, choices, new things, new roads, new…. And then another part -Gremlin Voice soaked for sure -screams Other shoe dropping! Any minute now! Watch out for falling shoes! And I look around me, furtively, searching each car that passes by, each person who passes by, each word that passes by, for a clue. For a sign. For impending disaster.

I have three choices. One, I can call up this practitioner and ask for clarification. But, I realize, nothing she says will change the fact that I must make one of the other two choices.

=> Two, I can wallow in fear and try to be very careful and watchful and vigilant, analyze everything that shows up in my life at every minute, and forget I’m actually alive and living.

=> Three, I can choose the choice of possibilities. I can – regardless of what the psychic has seen or knows, regardless of what she says or what she thinks, or even more profoundly, regardless of what I think -see every car that passes by, every person who passes by, each word that passes by as a “detour” into a new possibility.

And, if I make choice Number Three, I’d better know what I’m getting myself into -this new possibility might lead to another detour, to another possibility, to another, and another, where the choices are endless.

Am I more afraid of being stuck or of getting lost?

Is it that I’m really so certain I can’t choose right every time, or does it really matter if I choose right every time?

Lots of questions, and sometimes the answer is “I don’t know,” or “None of the Above.” So how do I know what to do and where to go and what to think? And how do I stop; my mind from racing to fear instead of flowing to possibilities?

Well, first off, just because I investigate another road doesn’t mean I’ve left the Highway of Love. In fact, what if I’m not even on it at all!

What if, even though I think I’ve been on the Highway of Love all this time, I’m really only on a side road? What if I’m not even on a road? What if I’ve been going in circles?

So, what if I want to continue down this so-called detour of a new possibility? What then? What if the detour leads to a bigger Highway? What if I’ve been on the Highway of Where I’ve Always Been and What I’ve Always Done, and the detour will lead me smack to the Highway of Love?

Well, how’s this for a job description: Adventurer!

Lots of men and women are making thrilling, actual lives out there being Indiana Jones -finding lost civilizations, solving ancient riddles, leading teams through the jungles of the world.

Everyone has a different tolerance for risk and a different idea of what’s in the pot of gold at the end of the Quest, and some of us quake at even the thought of stepping a foot into the unknown.

So many of us are traveling up and down a dead end wash we call “love” in the middle of something we only know of as “familiarity.”

Sometimes we ride it in souped-up all-terrain vehicles, and sometimes we crawl along it, but we hardly ever fly over it, and actually see, with our own eyes, that it’s been a dead-end all along.

So, what if the Highway of Love is truly a super-highway leading to…who knows where?

And, what if it’s really not all that hard to navigate? What if the only problem with it is it’s just not a dead-end wash? What if the only hard thing about it is it’s not “familiar”?

So I bless the psychic. Not for giving me a clue to what’s next, but for giving me a clue to my fear. Perhaps the 405 isn’t all there is.

Now I have to deal with myself. If I’m so afraid of detours, how will I handle the Highway of Love when I’m on it? Will I run back to my dead-end? Will I swear off detours? Will I swear off possibilities? Will I choose “Familiar” over “Better”?

Will I choose “Safely Stuck” over “Scary What I Really Want”?

Will I stay in worry and doubt and fear and not leave my house, or will I move out and about with abandon? Will I keep my eyes open for danger, or will I allow in possibilities?

The choice is mine. The choice is yours.

Try this way of choosing:

When you find yourself stuck, or afraid, ask yourself what road you’re on.

You may answer – I’m in love! I couldn’t be happier! Or I’m safe and fine, I don’t need a relationship, I don’t need someone else to love me, I love myself just plenty. Or I don’t have time for all this. I’m busy, I’m tooling down my road just fine, and, Rori, what do you know about it anyway?

Okay, so you know what’s up. You’ve made your choice, and it feels good, and here you are, and you’re right – you don’t need me.

And if you answer I’m tired of the same-old-same-old. I’m tired of the souped-up cars and the dry runs and the circles, then, maybe, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by choosing “Better” and “Scary What I Really Want,” than “Safe” and “Familiar.”

So, put on your new hat. The one marked “Adventurer!”

Imagine that your emotions, your instincts, your heart rhythms, are a beautiful, powerful Horse you can ride across the landscape of your life. Your Horse knows the way, clean and clear, to where you want to go. And if you should ever steer it wrong, it knows the way back.

Now, sit your Horse tall and proud. You are about to let the whole world see you shake from fear, thrill from excitement, breathe hard from anticipation, tense up from the knot in your throat and shimmer from the hope in your eyes.

You are about to let go. The Horse of your emotions, your instincts, your connection to life, your heart, is feeling feisty. You’re about to let your Horse run free.

Believe that anytime you want, you can stop. Yes, you can stop. You can say No, turn back, go forward, take a rest. You can. You can say No when it doesn’t feel right, and you can say Yes when it feels right.

Sometimes it can feel right, but it’s just a little (okay, a lot) scary. Don’t let that stop you! Fear feels way different when you’re out there riding the Horse than it does when you’re stuck stock still. Fear is many things, and it wears many faces, and we build all kinds of defenses on top of it to pretend it isn’t there or hide it away, or fight it.

If you don’t believe Adventurers feel fear, you’ve been sitting in the safe dead-end too long. Fear is part of the Highway of Love. Bring yours along with you for the ride. Soon, it’ll get tired and old, and you’ll be too busy having fun to even notice if it’s there or not.

So, wear your Adventurer hat (yes, you have one!), take along all your baggage, and imagine the exhilaration of having what you want.

Then, kiss your Horse, and let it take you somewhere new – to the Highway of Love.

Love, Rori

*****

This is one of my favorites because I can REMEMBER how I was feeling when I wrote it – I was swept up in the possibilities, I was feeling adventurous, I was working my way out of the bad feeling I got the moment the psychic spoke to me.

It’s so easy to get “bummed out.” And it seems easiest to “distract” ourselves from the feeling. But that’s just not the cure.

The cure for bad feelings is to live in them a bit. Just enough to taste them fully.

And then you get on your Horse and ride…and you’re FREER than you were before.

I’m open to the idea that futures can be per-determined to an extent…not to say that they are… and not to say that they aren’t.. For me ( speaking from my own experience) there is no proof either way… I can always as It is true? I can look at it both ways… (everyone has their own belief system)
I can’t know that.. all I have is now! I get that… it’s God’s business…in my life… I just have to show up… ( just my thoughts)

I’m feeling sad again, tears are coming… I suspected they would, the more I go out and do things… and out of my cocoon…

“L” called me several times today… that felt good… wow such ease… He doesn’t dominate the conversation, he said pardon me, if he interrupts, and allows me to finish what I’m saying… it is so NICE to have a reciprocate talk…

though I don’t know what he means by “don’t be a stranger” but my response was “you either” “I’m glad you called”

so 4hrs away… Lisa don’t get attached to any ideas… can’t happen… you haven’t met in person yet…. it’s nothing until then…

meanwhile I’m still grieving.. some…

and yet I’d like to throw the idea out there that some people might take 2 years to grieve, and yet others not… but I agree that it is up to me… to move through it… and yet also know that I can’t rush it… it’s a process… and yet grieving doesn’t stop me from getting back out there… and moving forward… but that is just me… everyone has their own process….

In my experience Futures can change the moment I change… and that feels better to me… to have that capability…

I had a really nice chat on the phone with the fella who reappeared the day after i cleared space in my house to let a man in my life… it was such a great convo! So many similar interests, and he lives only a few suburbs away from me. If he asks me out on a date I’ll definitely go… I’m still working on myself so haven’t gotten back to online dating yet, have a couple more weeks of my 40 day journey and then I’ll get back into dating

But I feel smiley and happy. I also feel good because even though I am interested in him, I’m still doing what I was doing before and not focusing on him more than I need to.

April Rose, I understand that you want to lash out at me. I feel in agreement re picker being off

That is why most of us are here. Our pickers are off because we have love and abuse combined because of abuse in our familes. Some more so than others, and we are all here to get our pickers corrected and heal and pick love. To heal change our vibration, get some boundaries and say no to abuse or pain.

We are vulnerable targets for abuse hopefully on our journeys to become survivors and no longer targets.
Like I said I feel some people out there men and women will take advantage of that vulnerability and be out to make money from it. And Astrology is one of these areas.

If you want to lash out at me for feeling cynical about astrology then I hear that and understand.
We disagree on astrology.
I feel sad and that vulnerable people are being taken advantage of.

If it sooths you and makes you want to part with your money then this is what you want. I just wanted to voice how I felt about it.

Rori on the other hand is qualified and trained therapist and has tools to help us heal and get our pickers choosing love without abuse.

I feel skeptical about astrology too … I’ve experienced way more powerful intuitive readings without astrology … and I find my own intuition is much more powerful than astrology. Most readings I’ve seen are more confusing than helpful.

What we perceive though comes from our belief system. For me, astrology has always been too vague to be helpful and often just outright inaccurate. Though if it helps us see something we weren’t seeing before, I suppose anything can be helpful.

Astrology has nothing to do with you. Numerology, Chinese stuff….whatever….You need to stop listening to it. It is not real. It is hard to do, you have to wean yourself off, because we want answers and it feels very, very scary that there is an answer and we dont know what it is yet. You have to let the real answer arrive because good or bad you were made to handle it successfully. I used to be into all that stuff and it was hard to let go but once I let it go, I realized I had more control than I thought.

Someone begged to do a chart for me once…I refused but flippantly gave them my sisters birthday…they did the chart…predicted this…said this happened…only thing was she died in 1999.

Note to Dominique: I did talk that way but he seems puzzled, he keeps saying but you are so beautiful, I love you so much, you are the one, why would that bother you?. For now I think I have to just accept it as something somewhat harmless and juvenile on his part. If I keep bringing it up, it is going to drive him away…I have so much good stuff going on with him and him talking constantly about a life with me, I have to take the good stuff and be content with that. Once time Rori mentioned (Rori hope I got this story right!! Correct me if I am wrong!!) her husband went on a business trip and did not call her for three days, she was FLOORED but the reality was it simply never occurred to him that she needed that, he was not being a bad guy, it was just like he did not know she wanted him to do that. So I am kind of looking at it that way. As always, comments and support welcomed. I am thankful though, he is good to me and has set a wedding date.

so, I’m really mad because my Phone is broke . It has just froze up.that’s ok. I will get it fixed if I can. Wonderful people, I’m just going to watch the sun go down breathe and see if there are Any connections. Maybe I will tweet a little with my name on 2 ‘ check back in if I can

I’m not willing to buy the belief that instant chemistry = heartache and pain.

I’m not dating a guy I don’t feel it for right away … Every time I’ve done that it has been a mistake … I won’t “buy” safety with boredom or lack of growth … My practice is the past few years learning how to set boundaries so now when he shows up I know what to do …

Hello Everyone,
I want to start by once again thanking Rori for the wonderful work that she does. I have the ebook and I am enjoying it.

Also a special thanks to Dominque for giving me personal advice and offering to help me whenever I need it.

Dominique I wanted to give an update on how things are going for me! I’m so happy!!!!
I took your advice about online dating and I am glad I did. My job doesn’t allow me the time I need to get out and meet people but online dating did. Things are going great! I feel like the confident wonderful me from years ago but with more knowledge! I have gone on a few dates with different guys. I have a couple that I’m really interested in. I’ve had a few that made me feel rushed, pressured, and controlled and I quickly and easily tossed them into the wind. There is one guy I really liked that has not contacted me by phone in over a week, but he has viewed my online profile. I’m not sure what to make of that. He said he was shy and has lost many friends and acquaintances because he forgets to call them back and loses contact for a while because he stays busy with work. I’m disappointed because I felt strongly attracted to him but oh well. Moving on!
Also, I have not contacted the fireman. I realized my worth, and I feel that I can do better. I dont feel that i should wait on anyone regardless of our history together. I have known all along that he didn’t deserve me but I wanted US to be together.
Now here is where I’m stuck and I could use your help. I have never felt such a strong sexual attraction to anyone in my life. I don’t know what it is about this guy. He’s not what I consider “my type” He’s older than anyone I’ve ever dated. I’m 31 and he’s 42, although he doesn’t look his age.
Anyway my question is how do I set boundaries with him? I don’t want to be in a relationship. I am enjoying the experience of circular dating and learning more about me and how I’m feeling. He told me today that he thinks about me constantly and he’s not sure what it is but there’s something attractive and animalistic about me. (IDK what that means exactly) He said he can’t control himself around me everything I do turns him on and makes him want me even more. that’s how I feel about him. But I have only slept with a man once that i wasn’t in a relationship with. And It didn’t end the way I had hoped. I’m not ready for a relationship, but I want him and I’m not sure how to handle it. I don’t want him to think that I sleep with every guy I meet online.
What if I have a strong sexual attraction to another guy? Do I sleep with him too? How would that make me feel/look? Do I not sleep with any of them and just go on dates? What do I say to him?
Thanks in advance and I hope to hear from you soon!

Nanceen – 353 – If you already spoke to him in this way, and if this is NOT a deal breaker, then there is some healing to be done for you here, for example, he can appreciate other women and still only have eyes for you.

The more you can let this go and accept this in him even if nothing ever changes, the more likely it is that this will change. But it won’t matter because you love him and accept him with or without this.

I use another metaphor to my business because these metaphors are really helping me. I’m starting to see how powerful I really am.

A number of times people have approached me in my business wanting to get sessions or products for “free” or saying they “can’t afford” it or talking big about what they want to offer me, etc etc etc.

This is just like men suitors showing up and offering whatever it is they offer. I am not just a passive helpless person in these situations. Yes, some of them are going to drop away as soon as I set a boundary. Quite a few of them, however, have totally stepped up to the plate when I started setting boundaries. Some of those became my ultra-long term clients and one is my top affiliate right now.

Chemistry – which for me is not “bad,” it’s that energy between me and a guy and I don’t see any point of having a relationship without it – can show up on my doorstep, and I can give all my power away as I’ve sometimes done in the past. Or I can do what I do in my business. Well, this could be something good … let me put my boundaries out there and see what happens.

The key is never stepping out of the frame of “is this working for me, and if I allow this, will it continue working for me throughout this agreement?” I’ve had people want my stuff for free, want to trade for things I don’t want or need, make flimsy promises about what they’ll do for me “in the future” “if it works for them” … and to all of that I say “no” … because looking at my life holistically, it doesn’t work and it’s going to end up with me feeling yucky. I don’t get intoxicated by the prospect of “maybe” or the fantasy of big ungrounded dreams. In fact, I don’t listen much to talk at all. I watch what people do when I set boundaries.

I stay grounded and present and I make sober, win/win decisions. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work to do the exact same thing with any man with whom I feel chemistry. It will work. It’s tried and true. It has worked hundreds and hundreds of times now … it has built amazing relationships. It works. This feels empowering. Thanks btw for letting me step through this here out loud … it feels good to give voice to what have been kind of vague thoughts and feelings about the similarities between the two …

Shanta – 359 – How lovely hearing from you again. Thank you so much for what your lovely sentiments.

As for this man, for now these are all simply words at this point. And without the action to back them up, they don’t mean very much.

I can’t tell you whether to sleep with him or not. Only you can make this determination. If you want to and can do so without becoming attached and hung up on him, then go for it.

Most likely you won’t be able to do this. Most women find themselves hormonally attached after sex.

So you set your boundaries by doing just that. Tell him you want to get to know him better. That you don’t want to have sex so soon. That you don’t want to have sex until you are in a committed and exclusive relationship. And right now, this is NOT what you are looking for. You are exploring yourself as well as exploring your options and not wanting to have sex OR commit at this time.

He can think whatever he likes, and you really can’t control this, so how about letting it go.

I made a decision long ago in my business that I do not want to spend even one single minute “chasing” money … meaning, having people owe me for something I already provided. I personally pay all my bills on time and in my universe it is extremely disrespectful to break financial promises … just not something I am willing to live with … and this works beautifully. I never provide the last session until all payments have been made. I don’t “chase” money. Ever. Full stop.

In light of all my experiences with men, I won’t be having sex again until every single thing I want in a relationship has been agreed on in a grounded, certain, I-can-count-on-it-completely way … Having these rock solid boundaries has given me enormous amount of peace in my business. And I feel confident it’ll give me the same peace in the rest of my life.

Erika – 305 – I don’t know if I’m reading your situation correctly. As I see it he is being unethical. In the quote below, if you replace the word ‘healer’ with ‘teacher/boss/co-worker’ and ‘Reiki’ with the matching appropriate noun, it would sound like sexual harassment or harassment. A lecturer from my university was just fired for behaving this way with students.

“OMG, I felt so disgusted. That was the last time I was willing to receive Reiki from him. Horrible boundaries as a healer. I had already told him I was not interested, and I told him again after that text message, rather bluntly. Yet he still later sent the “what took you so long?” email. Blech. I feel vomity just thinking about it …”

I detest it when people do that and with men it feels like a perversion of what leading is supposed to be – how can he lead if he doesn’t even know what the person he claims to lead needs? Erika, I feel relieved that you got out of that situation. I also wonder if there is a way to lay a complaint against him.

Dominique -364
I was unsure if there was a rule regarding sleeping with someone you’re sexually attracted to but don’t want to be with. He texts me before work every morning, calls before bed, calls or texts on his lunch. He offers to come see me, etc. He asked me to call him Friday but I fell asleep & he didn’t contact me that day. The next day he texted me good morning and I replied good morning. He then said “whats wrong? Did i go from sugar to sh*t overnight?” he wanted to spend this past weekend with me but I told him I had plans with my kids already. I have only known him a little over a month. Today he talked about a relationship, and how when he’s with me it feels right and he asked what did I think. I told him i don’t want a committed relationship right now. I wanted to embrace being single for a while. He said he understands that and he’s not going anywhere.

I didnt tell him but I don’t feel like I could be in a relationship with him! I only feel attracted to him sexually. I have never only felt a sexual attraction to someone. Will he grow on me? IDK! I don’t mind watching movies and going out to eat with him. I don’t want a relationship. I just don’t want that. I want to see other people. I want to keep my options open. I want this freedom that I’m feeling. I am enjoying it. If I had wings I would fly! That’s how free and alive I feel right now.

I met a really nice guy when I was out with my friends. The problem is I was really drunk.

I was drunk and so I didn’t care and I didn’t worry about how do I look, am I saying the wrong thing, what is he thinking. None of that went through my head because I was drunk.

He liked the drunk me. He knows I was drunk, and I remember him saying he liked meeting me drunk.

My friends could tell he liked me, he was hanging around me a lot. I was tooooo drunk to really notice.

I do remember being fun – I was told I’m a fun drunk. I was laughing, and yelling, and not the least bit self conscious.

At the end of the night before my friends took me home, he was asking me if I’d be okay. I also told him that I’m very straight laced when I’m sober. In my imagination I was an adorable drunk girl saying that. I am glad I don’t know how I really came across – let the fantasy live!

The next day he friended me on facebook, wrote me a nice message asking “please tell me you remember our conversation”.

I wrote back, and he wrote again. And he commented on my wall posts.

I guess I’m just really worried I’m going to mess this up with sober, self conscious me. I don’t plan on being drunk every time I meet him – that’s nuts. But I’m sad and worried that he won’t like the regular me.

I don’t know when I’ll see him again. He joined the meet up group I’m in (we have similar interests) – they were the friends I was out with.

I am worried I will be pretending the next time I see him. Pretending to be self confident. Or I will be overly self conscious. Any thoughts?

Thanks for the support. I don’t feel any need to file anything. I’m just learning from the experience.

I believe we create everything in our life. Now that I’ve vented so much frustration, I am starting to see the value of this experience for getting me ready for when the right guy shows up. It was practice, good practice.

As for how horrific it all turned out … honestly before I met him in person, he came across really well on FB and so forth. I did already see a couple of red flags but I thought it was stuff I could work with. Then I met him in person, and my heart sank. If I’d met him in person first, it never would have got off the ground.

Then, and all this observing of myself was really helpful … I was still “trying” to give him a chance even though my intuition said NO.

In a way, the extremity of what went wrong after that I think was my way of creating a situation that was so black and white that I would get out of it immediately. I already knew he was not my guy, yet he was so “nice” that if it weren’t extreme I might have been tempted to waste months or whatever trying to make something work that wasn’t meant to be.

So that’s how I’m seeing it now. In a way, thank goodness it was so extreme because I got out of the relationship, even the friendship, quickly after that. And I learned so much about how to handle things going forward …

I feel like I am finally truly ready to have good boundaries even when “maximum chemistry perfect for me” guy shows up … and in part that’s due to this experience.

Erika – 374- I hope I get to see my experience as practice too. And to grow from it – I feel like I’m learning from you – thank you.

Some people do have a good online presence and an awful offline one.

Oh gosh I did that too- give a nice guy a chance even though there were red flags. Ugh. I knew BM wouldn’t even be around if I stuck with my beliefs around relationships. After 10 years of having those beliefs and not even a serious relationship come of that, my confidence in those beliefs just shrank. Later BM said I should have followed my beliefs – I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he probably wouldn’t be able to handle it. I should have just treasured and stood by those beliefs instead. One more lesson to learn.

I do like reading about your processing and I think there is so much value in the idea of not having anyone in your life unless they support you.

If it were me, and I had already expressed how I felt, I would gently leave the room any time he made a comment like that, without saying anything. Just remove myself, and go and do something else. Every guy I’ve ever been with who has loved me has got the hint from this – that I have certain things I will be around, and certain things I will not.

I feel your sadness, because I remember all too well feeling like this myself.

I love the advice Sophie has given you.

I know for a fact you can turn these feelings around, and in so doing, probably invite him to come closer. Because it is my very strong suspicion that he senses all this anxiety and sad and needy energy in you, and it probably feels like pressure to him and him feeling like he is failing you. If my experiences with guys are anything to go by, then this is probably how he feels. Guys tend to be more drawn to you if they feel they can make you happy, not when what they are doing is not good enough. It’s a sad truth, and a frustrating one at first, yet I really believe the turn-around to all of this is in you and how you feel.

Sophie is quite right, changing those feelings into better feeling ones means sinking into them, feeling how scary they are, then searching for ways to soothe yourself. It gets easier. Also, please look EVERYWHERE for things that make you happy and fulfill you, and dive into them and relish them.

I also don’t buy the belief that instant chemistry=heartache and pain.

What is chemistry anyway?

For some it can be lust, for others excitement, for some it can just be that deep down knowing or comfort. For some it may be something destructive. I don’t think any of these things mean anything in an of themselves other than what they are.

I feel dazed.
I so much want to feel you.
I enjoyed it when we were talking about cuddles and how they feel.
I feel frightened when I hear what I perceive as a rant about abuse, when I haven’t even mentioned the word abuse.
This word seems key, for you.

Please if anyone notices a word I keep using, please let me know and i will endeavour to sink into it and through it and unravel it and liberate myself in babysteps.

One thing that doesnt seem logical to me about this thread is how do you entice a man with safety and love and affection or catnip if you walk out as soon as he leaves and date other people? Just because you tell him about it and dont cheat? I dont understand….how can you be in a relationship where the “cat” is safe if ur ass is dating other people and probably kissing or hanging out in other mens laps lol
MY logic is very faulty, can someone explain this? It seems like 2 messages but one isnt making sense

What do you say when you think you know the man you are seeing is hung up on the mother of his child?

He says he hates her and does not want to be with her, yet he angrily confronted her in a store with her new boyfiend. I feel his anger and tension when he talks about her. I feel like I may be a second choice.

April Rose I hear you feel dazed.
In what way?
I feel suprised that your perception is that I am ranting.
Although can understand why it might come across like that to you online. As there is no eye contact, or body language for you to see. And no vibe for you to feel off me behind a screen to see I am not angry but sad. So no ranting here.
So I am not suprised that you would feel frightened if you perceived my words as an angry rant.

As I have felt calm and feel no anger when I have expressed my feelings and thoughts with you and others about astrology, the reason why we are here on the blog and most people who are here having their pickers of chemistry meters off.

Obviously those who are now in happy healthy loving realtionships are no longer in that category and are either in tranistional stage or have learned to overide their pickers and choose something more loving and healthy for themselves.

I feel confused why me using the word abuse in a clam way is perceived as a rant. Unless as like I said it is to do with you not being able to see my body mannersims, see my eyes, hear my tone of voice and feel my real vibe in my real presence.

Anyone who has faulty chemitry or picker and is choosing to stay in a realtionship that feels painful to them has obviously come from a family of origan where the same thing was occuring. And has love and pain combined.
Do you not think this means you and us were either physically or emotionally abused in some way?

I am not here to argue or convince you and don’t want to, so if you think or feel differntly about that.
I feel able to agree to disagree with you.

I was wanting to express how it made me feel sad and express how I felt concern for vulnerable women being targets for being taken advantage of by men and women seeing an opportunity and wanting to make money out of women who are vulnerable to this.

Are you sure the anger is not your anger? As you stated you wanted to lash out?
I do not want to lash out at you.
I feel no anger I feel sad.

Experimenting how? Tell a man flat out that your going to see other people means its over. NO MAN will ever chase a woman who is sleeping with other men. I just dont see how you can be full of cat nip and keep seeing other people and doing whatever you like. I think you should just come out and say it….Just dump all men who start to withdraw and see a ton of them so you dont notice that you are single. I guess that is it eh? Cause the girls that I see that run all over with tons of men just get reputations….I live in a small town not a big city and here there is no way on earth you could see more than one man and not be labelled a prostitute and not in a kind or nice feminist way ….sorry …Im not getting what is being said here…I need more clarification
anyone got any help for me???

Syreena _ I hear you are coming from a loving place but I feel uncomfortable being categorised in anyway – I would not categorise myself as someone with a faulty picker or choose to identify myself as a victim of abuse regardless of my history – I am just me and I enjoy sharing my growth with other women who are doing the same – there are many ways of seeing things and as this blog so beautifully demonstrates we are all different – maybe you feel like that you have a faulty picker and have felt abused? I think that’s what april rose was asking – whether you’d like to share your feelings about that with us? where your sadness comes from? I don’t want to offend anyone in anyway but it does feel safer when we share from our own personal feelings than when we focus on opinions as though they were absolute truths

Love this! and it is so true for me! Ditching the ones that can’t give real intimacy, real live love and is distant and isn’t in to you! I did and feel better for it… confused and distant… didn’t feel good to me!

I’m happy to say bad boys do nothing for me, neither do the porn addicted or the hard to get. shew! I’ve grown so much in 2 years…

what turns me ON now is a man that wants me! desires me and is into me ( not into himself)… and is pursuing me…..and can commit long term..

“When we start ditching these other kinds of men who aren’t interested in real live love – they will wake up.

When they can’t get sex with real live women, they’ll get tired of cyber ones and photos. Or – we’ll begin to elevate the men we haven’t given a chance to hero status, and there will be a whole new model for what love and relationship look like.

For now – look for the unconventional man:

Ditch the bad boys.
Ditch the hard-to-get.
Ditch the distant, the unavailable, the porn-addicted, the confused.
Ditch any man who isn’t “into you” the way you want.
Ditch your romantic fantasies and make up new ones.
Look at the men who are your “friends” who want more. Stop judging men by their covers. Work on being extraordinary and LOVING your extraordinariness.”

It is true MEN will start waking up once us women start having more confidence and higher standards… and ditching them… I soo agree… powerful!!!

I am having a hard time with masculine energy. I am not enjoying it. I wish I had someone else to do the masculine energy for me. I have a dispute with a neighbour about damage that has been caused to my house by his neglect. I feel an entire plethora of emotions; rage, despair, disappointment, powerlessness, hurt. He chose not to be cooperative with me when I asked him if he could resolve the issue so I then paid for an engineer to inform me that there was no issue with my property just with his. He has then involved his insurance company who are now trying to fob me off having taken none of my evidence into account. I feel squashed. It kept me awake last night.

This may be a sweeping generalisation but I often feel disadvantaged as a woman when I come up against professionals especially when they are male. I feel treated like the hysterical little woman. maybe this is because I feel like the hysterical little woman. I am emotional by nature. I find it very difficult to remain disaffected by things. I feel unhappy with the letters I am sent and I feel unhappy responding. I find it very difficult to not be passionate and angry and attacking in my correspondence (albeit in a ‘professional way’). I have just fired off a letter now. It takes so much of my energy and then I dread the responses as it fires me up again.

Maybe I should have tried scripting the letter. In fact I should have definitely tried scripting the letter. Maybe there is a way to stay in feminine energy even within the remit of traditionally masculine discourse and keep my power and my energy. Being in masculine energy feels draining. I want someone else to do it for me. I need to remember I am a siren even when I am feeling angry at authorities who are telling me no. I don’t like authorities who are telling me no.

Jessie1000: Cding doesn’t mean sleeping with a bunch of men (unless that’s what you want). I circular dated for a very long time but did not have sex with any of the men in my rotation. I had fun dinners and drinks and just really cool dates but I wasn’t having sex with the men I was dating. My current life partner did chase me down and did win me. I like knowing he’s not afraid of a little competition.

I do agree that cding in a small town is a lot more tricky than in a large city. I’m not sure I could have done it in the small town I lived in before moving to here.

I get your point I don’t know how it works so well in a small town – did you ever read the book The Rules? They pointed out in that that the old school way of dating eg a couple of generations ago was to date different men so that you’d get to see who you liked and the men accepted the fact that you were a prize to be won – that kind of made sense to me and I don’t find it too difficult to CD when I am dating all the men equally; they know its dating and that they have competition

When it comes to being in a relationship with someone and then CD’ing because they withdraw or because you’re unsure whether its going where you want a relationship to go then the way I understand it in a way that’s comfortable for me is CD’ing because less about actual men and dates and more about regaining a sense of self and self-power through stopping putting all the focus onto one man and what he is and isn’t doing and putting it back on yourself; having your own life; being less available to the man and the ‘energy'; and reminding yourself to the point that your vibe changes that there’s more to life than him and that relationship…that then changes things energetically…that’s the way I see it

“Tell a man flat out that your going to see other people means its over.” – But this isn’t true if a man really wants you. He’ll deal with the other dates and do whatever it takes to be with you. If he really cares about you. If he doesn’t “feel it” for you though…yeah…he’ll walk. That’s kind of a nice thing to know. If he doesn’t really love me he’ll walk. If he does, he’ll pick up his game. I like that.

Like I said I feel in agreement with the article I just pasted re faulty pickers and chemistry.

If you disagree and don’t feel in agreement and think yours is working for you then I feel accepting of your feelings and thoughts.

For me I feel in agreement with the statement in the article. ” if you have been unsuccessful in love then we can assume that your chemistry meter is broken.” or faulty.

And to me it is to do with how everyone learned to label love when young from their family. Not astrology and star signs. Hense instant chemistry = familiar something that reminds us of family. So we repeat old patterns.
It this was working for us and making us happy. Why would be here?

Aren’t we all here to learn how to stop repeating old patterns that have not worked for us? And are not bringing us the relationships, love and happiness that we deserve and desire?

Alhakale – If you don’t like how you feel with a man – then the only question to ask is “Why am I with him?” If you, like so many of us, are making this up in your head, and then shutting yourself down so he can’t “feel” you – you will fulfill your own diagnosis. Love, Rori

Alhakale – Somehow, a man telling me he wants to grow old with me, loves me more than anything and then marrying me would seem like – the truth! (If he follows through with the wedding in a thrilled way.) There are always exes. It’s up to you to decide how you can allow him to love you fully, and still have emotional connections to other women in his heart and body. That would be okay with me…if what he’s saying to you is true for him. Love, Rori

Sophie my sadness as I have already expressed was coming from some women being vulnerable targets from some predetory men and women out in the world spotting that vulnerability and using it to their adavantage to make some money out of them, getting them hooked and addicted to things like astrology, psychic readings, etc etc.

Syreena reading your last post I felt triggered. I felt doubtful… I had an urge to think I know better… “this person is explaining so they’re triggered and defensive and it probably was NOt a core feeling” is the thoughts that came up

then reading about predatory men and women (I read up) I felt bad and thinking wise reconfirmed my impression

judging people as predatory or seeing the world filled with attack feels bad and I don’t want to see it that way

I use it as a clue I/others are projecting stuff

I feel distrustful that this projection would trigger ‘core feelings’ and of course some experiences feel sad but if theres still ‘good guys/bad guys’ it doesn’t ring as core or the real love truth for me

I feel guilty talking about myself here and expecting to trigger your defenses

I feel curious about my urge to express myself on this topic and talk about how I felt and also what I think… hmmm

I feel good about my babysteps to drop what I think and go more and more with what I feel and yet use context in order to feel like im communicating freely

I feel exasperated.
On here. With the throwing around of masculine opinions (yes, Syreena your posts are all about how you think, not how you feel).

It activates the same sensations in me as when I talk with any person, male or female, and they don’t ‘get’ me. In my relationship this feels especially heart-sinking, shoulder drooping, weary.

I feel sad and a bit sick hearing one of my passions being thrown to the ground and stamped on.

I have studied astrology, in depth, for five years. Anyone who knows anything about this science and its ancient roots will know that popular ‘horoscope’ style astrology is a load of generalised poop, signifying nothing. The real stuff is a treasure trove of subtle psychology, full of gems and insights, designed to support our journey.
I feel excited any time I meet a kindred soul, with an open heart and mind, who is willing to explore the value of things such as the greater universal forces which act upon us.

And, I consider Carol Allen an astrologer with the knowledge, discernment, and intuition to be very careful around vulnerable or desperate people looking to have their decisions made for them.

I don’t want to discuss astrology. I’m here to talk my feelings. Astrology is a tool I employ to help me unlock my feelings.

I feel tired of diagnosing anything. Part of me wanted to say I feel shut down after this last guy. It felt exhausting telling him over and over again that I didn’t want to be with him. It felt exhausting to get my hopes up yet again and then feel soooo disappointed. I do feel closed. I’m not interested in doing this again. Not ever.

Today though I don’t want to diagnose or analyze myself. I feel closed lately and I embrace this as part of my process. Sometimes a living creature is enclosed for a while in a cocoon or a womb because it is transforming into something new. I don’t want to “force” feeling open. I’ll feel open when I feel open. Right now if I want to feel closed, I will feel closed. Right now even making conversation feels exhausting so I give myself permission to just be with myself for as long as I need.

I finished my move and am settling in. It has had its ups and downs but I’m feeling better about it now. A big reason for the move was to be more connected to family and friends and that’s been great.

I want to get your take on someone with whom I’m communicating with. He’s someone from an online dating site and we haven’t yet met. But I feel like that it could happen soon potentially. He seems interesting and there’s something that I find very intriguing about him. He’s obviously very smart, accomplished, a devoted father, and art lover. I’m artist so I have a big soft spot for that.

My hesitation is because he’s separated. Do you think its playing with fire to date someone who is separated? I’ve never done that before and it makes me a bit uneasy. Would love to get your take! Thanks!

Loved Rori’s answer… it was great. I learned the “do not talk to him if he is pulling away instead make a connection first.

My current exclusive boyfriend had hurt my feelings a couple of weeks ago. I was very upset (now I can’t remember even why!!!!! sheesh… so i guess it wasn’t that important huh?) Oh now I remember, he can be sarcastic sometimes I think it is a defense mechanism of his and he already knows I don’t like it. But we had been discussing a topic that I felt strongly about and he kept on pushing me on the topic to get me to react.. I consider this a form of bullying or baiting.. I tried to talk to him about it right after it occurred but he was in no mood to talk about it.. so he took a nap. I was extremely upset and in a quandary of how to talk to him about it. So I journeled my feelings and examined them. Anger was the chief emotion that was at the top but when I dug deeper I realized that the root emotion I had was sadness because he had done this baiting/sarcastic thing. So I wrote about it just on a piece of scrap paper and in my writing I formed an “exit” speech.. as I wrote and rewrote my tone began to get more gentle and I just started to feel the sadness. I went into where he was sleeping and bent over and tenderly kissed him and told him I was going home that afternoon so he could rest. He immediately woke up and asked what was wrong and I told him that I was very sad… and when he asked me why I told him how his response to me earlier had brought about this sad feeling.. He immediately apologized.. reached up and held me close and kissed me on the check and started to cuddle with me. Well it took about 30 seconds for me to forget the conflict…. hahaha.. and we ended up having an excellent night. Since then I have noticed that he still will be funny with some sarcasm but he reels it in quicker now before feelings can get hurt. We are on a good frequency now. So my advice is to journal and keep sweetness and tenderness on the surface as you expose the core feelings you are having.. I was able to do that with a caress and a kiss on his forehead while he was sleeping and he woke up to that.. rather than hearing me crying in the corner of the room or slamming drawers.. or doors.. or muttering to myself. I was able to be tender and caring but still hurt till the was some kind of resolution.

I would treat him as practice. Date him, yes. Discover him, and discover more about you in his presence.
I wouldn’t get too excited – I’d let him show himself and I’d trust my intuition and his actions/words to let me know whether he is relationship-ready. But I’d have at least a few dates before I started thinking about potential relationship stuff.

I am sitting with Rori’s newsletter today and looking for hidden beliefs to clear … I don’t entirely agree with it though. Men need to do their inner work too. This last guy just sat on the sidelines while I and my customers tapped through 30-day challenge after 30-day challenge. He acted so confident that I thought he didn’t need them. Then I met him in person and discovered he needs ALL of them plus private coaching. Yet he thinks it’s okay to sit around and do nothing while everyone else is doing their work, and just “agree” with my ultimate conclusions.

No. Absolutely not. A man just being “available” and “nice” doesn’t get the job done. Rori, I don’t think letting men “off the hook” like this is helpful. I coached men for a long time. They need to do just as much transformation as women, and when they don’t, they are failing to row the boat.

“Nice” and “available” are so often “cover-ups” for “I haven’t done my work. How about if you do it all for me and I’ll just pretend to myself that I’m a finished product over here?” No thanks.

Rori, in general – I am loving your new newsletters. This one though I think you’re being way too easy on men …

I totally get what your saying! I too have felt that… and I agree that everyone is entitled to their beliefs without having someone strongly tell you, you should stop it, get over it, not take it seriously. It feels like someone is telling you what you should believe… I get that..

honor everyone’s path where ever they are, however that feels right for them, whatever their beliefs are… Instead of just saying point blank… don’t do it, don’t feel that way… it does feel like stomping… I agree.

And yet, in my experience, it is also about understanding that everyone is entitled to their opinion even if it isn’t ours (strongly stated as it might be)… it isn’t personal to me… they are projecting their own stuff…… I try to keep that in mind. It really isn’t about ME… at all…

I support your astrology as I find it useful and accurate at times and run it through my filter… and if anyone who chooses to live by astrology… I support that!!! Just as I support someone that doesn’t chose it, doesn’t believe in it… or chooses another belief which I don’t subscribe to… I think it is about honoring everyone’s beliefs….

I’m sorry that you felt unsupported… and I meant to jump in and support you….

April Rose, I feel sad reading your post. I don’t like the idea of anyone stomping on anyone else’s passions and interests. I am intrigued by this information because I always associated Astrology with horoscopes. I feel curious about the science of Astrology and its ancient roots.

Liquid Light, I really think it depends what you’re looking for. If it’s a relationship, i’d be very cautious with anyone who is separated. It’s a very volatile and difficult time of adjustment for anyone, especially if there kids involved. If you are just seeking companionship for now, but not looking for someone who is fully “relationship ready”, it could be fine.

Yes, I agree with the being cautious part. He has already expressed reservations about dating and his availability. His kids are his first priority and he spends a lot of time with them.

I said that I’m new to the area and am interested in making friends since I don’t know that many people here. And so we agreed to be friends which really is fine with me.

But then I’m getting stuff from him like “what do you think makes a great relationship?” Also he responded in a really RR way to one of my emails about how I’ve been in a funk at times about moving. Here’s what he said “Thank you so much for taking the risk to tell me about your funk. Everyone talks about marathons, traveling to Peru etc. it is much more vulnerable, risky and real to say you might be in a small funk.”

Isn’t that amazing, its exactly what RR says about male/female dynamics!!! I couldn’t believe it! And then he wanted to call me and chat!!! And here I’m thinking, let’s be casual, be friends, no hurry etc.

So it seems a bit confusing. But maybe he thinks that since we agreed that we are just friends, he can express himself more openly and freely and be off the hook??? Any ideas??

I read something that I had written a year or so ago when he wanted space and I was freaking out. I noticed how caught up I was in him and how stuck I was – not knowing how to get my power back. I didn’t feel any disgust towards myself, rather I was astonished at my lack of power. And I’m pleased because I noticed the difference and I noticed that I am now different. I’m actually surprised that I wasn’t disgusted with myself. It’s as if the world is a little bit magical when that happens – I can’t even know for sure what knowledge of myself will be delivered to me every time I go out and do something by myself.

Without doing anything at all, a guy I knew from university asked to meet up. I love that I didn’t have to do anything, that I felt like I didn’t have to do anything. I want to practice more of that please.

And I feel bouts of anxiety about my future – I feel pressure to decide and get settled. But also that I’m giving myself the biggest gift by devoting as much time as I can to heal and improve my skills.

I had a date last night with another guy from the online dating site. It was our first date. He seems like he’s really nice, works hard, and is a devoted father. But he’s a piping fabricator (whatever that is) and hasn’t been to college. I’ve got a bachelor’s and a master’s degree and I really value education… I’m not trying to be a snob but I really don’t think there’s any chance in hell that it would go anywhere with him. He’s asked me out again and I feel totally ambivalent and 100% confident it would never work out. (It’s not just because of the degree thing, its the lack of commonality.) So, sirens, what do you think? Should I go out with him knowing that I would never take him seriously as a real “contender”? He def qualifies as one of RR’s nice guys….

Liquid Light- I think the separated guy is probably enjoying the friendship and getting to know you and may try to push it forward into dating, which is fine- as long as your expectations are in line about what that would be like. (sounds like you’re well aware)
The education thing. Yeah, those can be big gating factors, but you can always date him as “practice”if you so desire. It’s kind of a slippery slope because you know he’s not a contender, but he doesn’t. You know? Tricky…

Blue rosé
Either he will like you or he won’t.
Be careful with this one. I feel suspicious of a guy hanging around a drunk girl and maybe his intentions are questionable.
Also, friending on Facebook with a cd or potential cd is not always the best plan. Sorry to be negative just being honest.

I totally don’t feel men should be off the hook at all! I agree! I think though is that if we as women do our part to empower ourselves… it will be a catalyst…

I agree nice can totally be a cover up just as anything else can be, I certainly just experienced that myself… with “M”. When all is said and done, listening to my gut telling me it was an excuse , would have been loving for me… instead of listening to everything else…

I think it is about listening to our deepest intuitions.. and paying attention… without a Need to hold on to an outcome. ( so much easier said than done) I’m working on it…

A guy playfully asked me out on a date today and I was so triggered!!! YEAH! Something to heal! This has not happened in a while!

I broke down yesterday and created an on-line profile. I’m ready to practice and I want NEW cds!

It is raining me, and the old ones are crawling from under their respective rocks now. CD Assertive sent me an email yesterday (blast from the past!!), CD Song called me yesterday (we spoke, he sang to me) and CDarmy sent me a text message about a “hot” dream he had about me . . . Don’t want to go backwards, want to move forward, so I want new cds.

I’m meeting new men, but none are stepping up to the plate to ask me out – which is fine, I’m in super feminine energy mode, so I’m not making it easy at all. My boy energy got me there in front of them, and the girl energy is receptive, the rest is up to them!!

Oh listened to interview with Charu this morning for the first time . . . WOW, how coooooool.

Sorry to keep talking about him but I feel let down by natureCD. I let myself dream about possible a future with him which feels silly now… We only met a few times and I was not attracted at first but then he kinda hooked me in… He’s not my type but I started feeling really attracted…took me by surprise…
I continued to lean back and allowed myself to receive…
But he poofed…

I understand I think what you’re saying… I think the trouble is, we can’t force men to do their work.

We can refuse to be in relationships with them, but I don’t know… I suppose I just feel men tend to have different strengths. I wouldn’t want to overlook these because I was expecting a similar dedication to his personal development as I have in myself.

It feels difficult for me to work out how a relationship would work with a man who has children with other another women if the man is saying he hates that other woman and is angrily confronting her and her boyfriend in a store. All sounds very dramatic.

So much easier if no children are involved. Easy no contact is really needed.
Or with children who have flown the nest, little contact.

Is it true that I only express thoughts and do not express feelings no. I express both just like everyone else.

I don’t want to only express feelings.
I don’t want to only express thoughts.

Is it true that others on here only express feelings and no thoughts or opinions, No.
They express both. As I do.

If someone chooses to open themselves up by expressing an opinion or thought, then they put themselves out there to get a different thought or opionion back. That will not always be the same or in agreement with theirs.

I have already said I feel ok with agreeing to disgree with you over astrology April Rose..
so feels pointless to go any futher on this one now.
Don’t really know what else to say apart from carry on if that feels good to you.
And if that helps you get what you want.

Syreena, That’s interesting you say that re. children. I have this fantasy about getting involved with a man who has children since I have no children of my own. Yet I still yearn for being a mother of some sort. (I am the godmother of my niece and nephew whom I live closer to now and I am very happy about that.)

My ex had children but they were college age. Maybe its a fantasy though and not really based in reality I dunno? I think the kid thing has its own challenges …maybe I’m just romantizing about creating some kind of idyllic little family with some adorable, devoted, divorced father and living happily ever after!!!

I is a different feel, paying attention to things that weren’t noticeable before when the shade of comfort where drawn over the reality.In that it is possible to feel for someone a way that is pleasurable and fulfilling for one , and likewise allows the other to express themselves in a natural way that Is congruent to the with obeing a part of a life and person you want to experience.it’s a good feeling to open this..and once you let the feeling of loss and desperation for understanding go. The shade are pulled up, and you can see them as someone that is different but still good, desirable, and exciting with a different vibe. I’m so thankful that I have feelings for those that are so closed to my hheart. You are there and yet you have been there for so long.. I can’t imagine never experiancing them but I am hopeful that with a new outlook on my feelings, and the difference that is noted. I just think it feels like something that can be fun and new .

I feel so sick to my stomach. I’ve just learned something that is so shocking. I can’t even repeat it right now. I feel like throwing up, I feel cloudy and underwater. How can I continue seeing him knowing this information?! But at the same time, it also changes nothing. It just feels……terrible. UGH!

Yea it’s a question of values. Passion for awakening and actually doing the work is a “must have” for me.

I have a friend who is a relationship coach who’s been on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend. While she has been doing her work, he’s been doing the “same old same old.” And the gap between them has grown and grown and grown.

For me, I won’t date them. If all a man is going to do is sit around on my couch drinking – doesn’t really matter if it’s beer as in her case or organic smoothies as in this guy’s case – I’d rather be single. I’m happier single. If all a man is going to do is read my blog articles and say that he “knows my method is sound because he ‘agrees’ with all my conclusions” … while meanwhile he’s doing nothing substantial with his life, brags about the past, pontificates about business ideas that are full-on “amateur hour,” and has no freakin’ clue what went into creating this business … that feels awful.

He’s not a “good” guy. He’s a guy who hasn’t done his work and thinks he’s going to waltz into my life and reap all the rewards.

“There’s the door, mister. Don’t let it hit you too hard on the way out.”

Millie – I had something which sounds similar to this happen to me three years into my beautiful relationship with K. I don’t know what you heard, and you may or may not know what I learned, and it really doesn’t matter. It’s how you are feeling which matters. And you need to decide if what this is is something you can accept. Can you accept this man just as he is knowing this information? You don’t need to decide now or anytime soon.

How about allowing all of this to sink in. Sleep on it. Meditate on it. Allow your heart to tell you what’s right for YOU to do here. If anything.

And you can also tell him about this reaction you have had. I would suggest that you do.

LL, for me the level of a guy’s formal education doesn’t really matter. Look at the amazing men in the world who dropped out of college and went on to do world-changing things … For me, though it’s when my gut is telling me “No” because he has no clarity of purpose and isn’t going to be a good growth partner or contributor.

I feel angry about the idea of dating a “nice” guy just because it’s “easy.” For me, that IS settling for bread crumbs.

I’ve been in these relationships. At the end of the day, it wasn’t easy at all. It felt like being dead inside. It felt like suffocating and stagnating.

I like the sound of Mercedes’ relationship. Creating a business together. That sounds fun and juicy and fulfilling to me. That, in my experience, is not possible with a nice passive guy who has no backbone and hasn’t done his work.

I feel tempted to say, “all the cute ones are taken.” It’s not true! I know it’s not true.

It’s just that, just now, I was on the subway train, and there was this really cute guy, and I was looking at him, like trying not to look head-on too much, just check him out. And I felt so turned on and excited. I felt like this warm, juicy feeling all in my pelvis, splashing up to the palate of my mouth and it was so yummy, and then I looked at his ring finger. Arg! Of course.

But I still enjoyed the feeling I was having. I leaned back, let my body feel soften, touched my hair. I caught my thoughts, and focused on simply being beautiful, rather than “trying” to accomplish something. I guess, in a way, knowing (or at least supposing) that he’s married takes the pressure off.

I didn’t look at him before I got off the train, but I imagined him watching me…

I guess I’m sensitive and even a little insecure about the things that really matter to me.
For example, I often feel really shy and blushy playing a music track I like, to someone.
And describing how it feels to meditate, to someone who doesn’t – that is one conversation that makes me squirm. I fear I can’t do justice to it. It’s a ‘see for yourself’ experience.
I would feel thrilled to meet and go on dates with men who understand meditation.

I read this on Facebook and absolutely LOVE it. I think it applies to both men and woman and I think if more couples governed their relationships like this, there would be a lot more happiness on earth. Hope you enjoy. (And in case you’re wondering, I don’t know Matthew personally so I have no idea if he is available…)

Much Love,
Mercedes

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD
by Matthew Lucas

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never for that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re no the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to have this woman as your wife.

5. IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER…your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. NEVER BLAME your wife. If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings, take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them…when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’ snot your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotions and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and un-judging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. BE SILLY…don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY…learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. DON’T BE AN IDIOT… And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. GIVE HER SPACE…The woman is so good at giving and giving and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new sons to sing… (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.

15. BE VULNERABLE…you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING…Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know if she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK…If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, then there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts and still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him “I do”, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where you spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN – THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

There is a third type of guy,that sounds like what you are looking for.
And as you continue doing the work and rejecting what you do not want it opens the door and makes space for someone who has done the work that is a bettter match for you to step into.

Think what cding is supposed to be about though is looking for the message and healing to get to that place. Dating the nice man, or the boring man, or the one that is turning up, o but you are not that attracted to and moving on, saying thank you for the message, or having dates with our girlfriends or ourselves until a man that you want comes along and offers you what you want.

What I said did not quite come out right. I noticed couples that did not have a college education or were trained for profession in a trade school or just at the same level of education have plenty to say.

There has to be an emotional connection too and a diploma isnt necessarily what does it. But as a rule I kind of only felt attracted to men with my level of education.

I did not want to offend anyone by insinuating you had to be college educated to enjoy history or poetry.

Erika – I hear you, but I don’t think “nice” has to automatically mean “passive.” Yeah, there are those guys. And definitely you don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel “dead inside.” That would be horrible! Worse than breadcrumbs! And that’s not what “nice” means to me.

To me, Nice means he treats you well. And he treats OTHERS well also. This is important. But he’s strong and he has boundaries also. The reason he is so “nice” is that he knows who he is, and he’s not ashamed to be that way. He has values and morals, and he lives up to them. But it doesn’t mean boring. He has an edge, he knows what he likes, and he’s playful and has fun as well.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing I could be paraphrasing a guy describing the perfect girl. Just substitute “he” for “she.” We also want to be strong, know who we are, and treat people well, without being doormats.

But if the alternative to dating a “nice” guy is to see someone who doesn’t treat someone well – especially you – well that sounds way worse than “nice.” Bad Boys aren’t the solution either…

If you give no chance, you know what the answer will be. There will be nothing.

How to keep it cool if you go? Well years ago I had a vibrator and I used to use it a lot before I saw this one guy because I did not trust him. My desire was lowered so I was able to keep my head. I would of loved sleeping with him but would of felt awful eventually because he was not in love with me. It would of been like stuffing myself with my favorite dessert for a few days and then kicking my at the weight I would gain and how crappy my body felt.

You are Mercedes right? Remember me a few years ago? And forty boxes of kleenex?

Anyway it is not a relationship breaker, it could be but I look at the huge pile of love letters, over 300 emails (that other guy sent me like 30 in five years), the help with my house, he even paid some of my mortgage, his constant chatter about a life together, building a life, being a team, the wedding date set!! Hey I can deal with it.

He is also from New York and had never mowed a yard in his life! But there he was pushing the mower looking funny as hell, bravely getting on a ladder to clean the gutters.

We talk constantly, we are two little kids!!

You were so kind to me, trying to help me through it, I so wish I could of seen this was coming. And so much of it happened because of what I learned from Rori.

He’s a guy with values who lives his values, and those values include integrity and compassion.

He also has boundaries. He doesn’t “give to get.” He’s not passive. He’s not boring.

He is up front about what he wants, and if the situation is not a match, or he’s treated with disrespect, he speaks up … if it’s not remedied, he walks away.

He’s living his purpose, just as I am living my purpose. And when people are living their purpose, they don’t have poor boundaries for very long. Everything that interferes with the purpose has to go …

I know he exists.

This guy essentially made the argument on his own behalf that I hear in some of Rori’s writings (though this may be my projection) … which is that I should choose him because he was so nice and he just put his “love” out there and blah blah blah …

Problem is he didn’t understand me, and I didn’t respect him. In no way shape or form could I envision him standing on a stage with me someday giving a speech that would change people’s lives and move the auditorium to tears of release. In no way shape or form could I envision him enrolling people in this business. If he couldn’t “sell” me, how the heck was he going to sell anyone else?

He’s not powerful enough for me … that’s the bottom line. I don’t want to be with a man who feels impotent to me. It feels like I’m going to have to hold him up and carry the weight for him. It feels very, very heavy. I felt huge relief when he was gone. So the argument while very “logical” was totally contrary to the knowing of my heart.

I didn’t hold out this long to settle for “so-so” … I’ll have what Mercedes is having, thank you very much

Yay Erika He does exist! Your divine right man (I just read that in a book we each have one ) Like Hana said he’s out there doing his thing just like you doing your thing preparing himself for the greatest thing ever

Yes, I have that such situations happen with me… and i agree…. don’t expect to ride my coattails from the work I’ve done on myself and expect that you (meaning the man) can sit on your laurels and reap the benefits of me continually working on myself..

it does create a gap and the gap does get larger… I grow and he doesn’t that is what happens with me in relationships, I grow out of them… so far!

I totally get what your saying…

It’s just where do you find the men that can, WILL and DO grow? I have no clue…

It isn’t an option for me to stop growing…

my profile clearly says a man that has done his work on himself and step up to the plate and grow with me….

yet, they pretend to grow… for awhile… but it ends up they aren’t… it’s frustrating… and the the gap grows and it ends… ugg.. ( up til now anyways)

When I read what Rori said “if they don’t step up then the attraction is not there anymore” or something to that effect.. totally spot on…for me.

He doesn’t have to be as “grown/evolved/healed as I am” ( for lack of a better term ) just a man that can step up… and grow with me… it’s ok If I grow first then him.. I’m totally fine with that…

and what you said @Erika is exactly what I’m feeling/wanting…

“He is the mirror of a woman who knows herself and loves herself … ( I would add I’m a mirror of him knowing and loving himself)

He’s not a nice guy and he’s not a jerk. ( I would add he is authentic)

He’s a guy with values who lives his values, and those values include integrity and compassion.

He also has boundaries. He doesn’t “give to get.” He’s not passive. He’s not boring. ( a man that grows is such a turn on for me)

He is up front about what he wants, and if the situation is not a match, or he’s treated with disrespect, he speaks up … if it’s not remedied, he walks away.

He’s living his purpose, just as I am living my purpose. And when people are living their purpose, they don’t have poor boundaries for very long. Everything that interferes with the purpose has to go … ”

I cant’ know for sure what Mercedes has… but going by what she has written… I cry several days when I remember her story about a man that would grow for her to get her back… and call her to tell her what he is doing to get her back… I can’t fathom a man doing that for me…( or even in Rori’s story propose to me 4 times) but something about it… makes me cry.. thinking someone would love me that much to fight to get me, keep me, or be with me…

Instead of someone that wants to back out when the first difficult thing shows up…

I had a great adventure this weekend…!
I feel so complete.
Being with my birthdaughter healed something in my heart. Being with other women, playing with kids and especially babies…
feeling full up!
I feel sooooo disinterested in anything ‘relationship’.
Once again, stuff that seemed to be calling me fell away, another skin shed.
My flight is booked to go to the shaking retreat and visit OR and WA next month. I intend, and am fully supported in my intention, for it to be a transformative experience.
I feel ready to launch.
Launch where? I don’t know – ready to launch into the unknown.

So I still have my little “no contact” counter on the whiteboard in my house – today marks the longest I’ve gone without initiating contact with my ex. Going to keep that counter there till i hit 40 days and then take it down. I did take a peek at his fb yesterday… and saw a ‘joke’ post he put up about women and I felt SO turned off. With all the work I’ve been doing on myself and how I relate to men (and view women), I no longer find those sorts of joke insults funny. It felt good to realise this, and see that I am in such a different place to where I was when I met him.

OMG, I just talked with the separated guy, he actually called! OMG! I was a bit nervous, I rarely talk with anyone before I actually meet them but with him, I wanted to, I broke my rule! hahahaha!!! OMG! It was a short conversation, but nice. Wow, feels weird!

Liquid Light – I’m curious, why is it you don’t talk before meeting? I used to be like that but was recently taught a good method with regards to online dating (move from the dating site to email then to phone and then a date if all goes well).

I find that talking on the phone gives a great indication of the person to help me “screen” whether I definitely want to meet in person or not. The first dates I’ve had without the phone step have generally been a little worse.

@Dominique 449
Thank you for your kind response Dominque…
I feel so scared to share this information with anyone. I know this man loves me very much, but has said he does not see himself getting married and he does not want any more children. We have a history and I respect that and have communicated that I do want those things one day. So we see each other, but it is an open relationship. I told him I enjoy our relationship and want to feel like we can express our love, but I cannot be exclusive with anyone that does not offer the things I ultimately want. Marriage and kids is far off in the future for me, so I don’t feel pressured to stop seeing him right now. However, twice in his history he has gotten women pregnant and became engaged to them. He never went through with either marriage and says that he doesn’t want that. It was only on the table because he felt it was the “right” thing to do. At the end of the day he didn’t want to do it and those women are not in his life. I have a lot of emotions towards this….partly because I feel like now I’m hearing marriage is an option for him-even though it never happened. I love him immensely, but I don’t see myself marrying him as he is right now. So I feel confused as to why I feel so hurt. We had this conversation in person and at one point I was going to leave. He had my bag in his hand to walk me out. I was crying and motioned to him to give me the bag. He dropped it instead and threw his arms around me and said please don’t go. I bawled like a baby in his arms and the whole night he held me….and told me he was so sorry and never meant to hurt me…over and over again. I feel good about how he handled the whole thing. I’m glad he didn’t let me leave and knew to let me be in my feelings in front of him. My stomach is loosening now….this information is really nothing new to me as all along he has stated the things he does not want and can not do for his own reasons.

I feel better sharing this….I hope to not be judged for it. We are all on our own path and mine may not be aligned with the philosophies of the blog right now, but I’m navigating…

I have this weird feeling I’m soon to hear from another ex too. The thought has been going in and out of my mind for about a month now. He supposedly was married with kids but my intuition says something has changed …

“hi, well I certainly have mixed feelings hearing from you” … or maybe leave “you” out and say “Hi, well I certainly have mixed feelings here” … that would be honest … if I respond at all … maybe I won’t … I’m gonna record another video

How totally liberating it feels not to be hung up on him anymore … he’s just another man now … meh … he used to seem so big and unattainable and I seemed so little by comparison … and now he seems nothing special, just a man like any other … How totally liberating not to feel hung up on any man or even the idea of a man or the idea of a relationship … How totally liberating to focus entirely on me …

And I admit it was because of other things going on in my life as well, making me feel frustrated and just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It is quite a sight, me getting all huffy and puffy. I am a small person and people try to calm me down and I suppose I just need to whirl a bit, and then come back to centre.

Though I felt under pressure yesterday, I still feel triggered a bit by things being brought back to pain and abuse on a regular basis (wow, that feels masculine coming from me). So maybe it’s time for me to take a little break from here for a little.

Untangling all the vines….
Well, I have begun to realize that I have all these needs. Number one, that’s a good place to start. What are my needs? If I can’t figure that out, then how do I expect other people in my life to understand my needs; much less, fulfill them.

I have a need for clarification. I need things to be clear. I need to be clear about what is expected of me. I need clarification around where a relationship is going, what it is right now, and what it isn’t. For me to be at my most comfortable and soft, I need clarity. ( I don’t always get it, but it helps for me to understand that it is one of my needs. )

Here’s something funny: I am sometimes this young girl who just needs clarification around the question of whether her daddy loves her or not.

A light bulb went off when I realized that I was expecting my romantic partner to fulfill that need. How could he?? But subconsciously, before I understood that was a need, and before I understood that was what was going on; I blamed him for something he could never be responsible for.

Then I realized that if I got that one need met… for myself… then I wouldn’t need a romantic partner to do that for me. The pressure would be off of both of us and I wouldn’t have this burning, itching, unanswered need getting in the way of real life.

So, I wrote my dad a letter. I said,
“Dear Dad,
How are you? I wanted to let you know that I am feeling kind of vulnerable right now. I’m feeling wistful and sad about missing the chance to really get to know you as my dad. I’m also feeling very proud of the man I’ve seen you become. I was wondering if I could ask you to do me a huge favor. I really feel a longing to have clarity around your love for me. Would you call me every once in a while and just tell me that you love me????? It would make me feel so whole and wonderful to hear you say it. Thank you so much, your daughter.”

And do you know what??? He called me right away and he said, “Andrea, I want you to know that I love you very much. I’m proud of you. And I’m going to call you more often to make sure you know it.”

How do you like that??

That experience answered so much for me. The strange thing is that the romantic partner that I was having so much trouble with this past year, who is twenty years older than me, has kind of faded out of my life. I think that I kept going back and forth with him because way deep down, I just wanted this one need met. I wanted a daddy to love me. Who knew that I only ever had to ask MY dad!!

I’m single and at peace right now and my dad loves me and I’m learning how to tend to my own needs myself. Huh….. !!! : )

Lisa, I’m glad it resonated … we are in a new era now. We can have what we want.

Tonight I turned down the lights and turned on my yin yoga DVD that I just got. Ahhhh, how soothing and wonderful to be able to do this at home now and not rush around to a studio or have someone come to my home … I lit a candle, and my kitty cozied up next to me. And I melted into the poses, and it feels so good.

Which feels so true right now. I keep talking to God and saying, you know I’m trusting you on this. I need a miracle, and all my guidance says to do nothing. That means some power beyond me is going to need to do everything. Like confirmation of this, a guy who promoted my stuff a year ago started promoting again and he made a sale right as yin yoga was starting -without me doing anything.

Maybe I’ll do yin yoga every day now. I even feel my heart more open. I even started to feel compassion for the guy who reached out to me. I feel an openness that maybe he’s done some healing too … and anyway, I won’t be turning any guy into an idol any time soon. So whether I respond or not, I can feel safe knowing my focus will stay where it belongs … on me.

I read the above post. Good answer. Hello everyone. Its been a while since I am here. Sometimes one has to take a break. I am quoting part of a newsletter which I received from Rori yesterday. I might not be on the blog, but I read her newsletters. “For now – look for the unconventional man:

• Ditch the bad boys.• Ditch the hard-to-get.• Ditch the distant, the unavailable, the porn-addicted, the confused.• Ditch any man who isn’t “into you” the way you want.• Ditch your romantic fantasies and make up new ones. Look at the men who are your “friends” who want more. Stop judging men by their covers. Work on being extraordinary and LOVING your extraordinariness.” Thanks for this advice Rori. There are so many things to remember in Dating and relationships.

Just like I don’t want a man/boy with Mummy issues and to be his Mother instead of wife in a realtionship.

I also don’t want to be a woman/girl with Daddy issues and having a man treat me like a little girl instead of a woman. I want a grown up relationship where roles are not blurred.

Those things feel really icky to me.
I have witnessed relationships like that and they feel really creepy and warped to me.
Unhealthy with no clear defined roles.
Where the man or woman involved asks their partner in a baby voice if they can do something and then tell others that they weren’t allowed.
Shudders. These are ‘grown up’ people talking in baby voices. or little girl/boy voices.

Two adults with mutual respect for themselves and each other incharge of themselves rather than asking permission, considering themselves and each other feels a better and healthier way to have a real grown up realtionship to me.

So this guy who I had a really lovely chat with on Sunday night, asked if he could call me last night then didn’t… I haven’t even met him yet but this is a really good experience for me to DO NOTHING for the first time. It is so hard!!! I am focusing on the stuff I am doing for myself but I really feel that slight shift of feeling off kilter because of it. It feels good to notice this and work through it. I’m not going to send a “here i am!” text… but I notice the usual patterns of “what if he thought i was going to contact him?” or “why hasnt he called?” etc etc… but I keep coming back to “if he’s keen, he’ll do what he can to be in touch”. Phewf! Old habits die hard….

I too have been practicing “doing nothing” and I’m feeling more rested and sleeping better… before I was driven daily to get things done to get caught up, it was hopeless.. b/c it didn’t happen.

Now I’m just being with my feelings, being with my tired and allowing them to flow out of me…

Men are coming, I’m not so excited, and not NEEDing to get out and date!!!… and yet here they come…

I’m inquiring on myself, letting go…

sleep was so wonderful last night….

I had a strange dream of a man( no clue who he was)…. and I noticed I was leaning forward a LOT coming on to him.( not my style really to do that) humm not sure what that meant.. then I noticed I leaned back… interesting dream

I am recognizing that the reason I feel so off kilter is because I am going into “future story” mode… as in what if this happens or what if that happens. And I’ve been working so hard lately on mindfulness and being present and engaged in my life on a day to day basis. Again, it feels GOOD to recognize this.

Well the month of July marked one year since my ex boyfriend disappeared. I have not dated since, not by choice but actually couldn’t find anyone. I have decided to go back to online dating but it certainly won’t be long distance this time. My profile was completed about a year and a half ago but I didn’t pay and was only receiving emails of possible matches. Now that I have paid, my profile is up. I will have to go and review it to see if I want to make any changes. Well I have learnt a lot the past year on how to approach relationships. That advice that I quoted above is part of what I have learnt. Let me see if I can summaize what else I have learnt apart from the above. 1. Don’t chase men, particularly at the beginning of dating. When I start dating, I will certainly read over the chasing newsletter that I love. (Still my favourite one of Rori’s). 2. Don’t date long distance men but men who u can ssee on a regular basis. 3. Be careful with online men-anyone who doesn’t want to take things to the next level which is the phone, (overseas cd), be careful of them. 4. Pay attention to red flags. Sometimes I see them but u don’t want to run away at the first sign of trouble. Disappearing ex didn’t want to put a profile pic on FB and when I asked him why, he said,”I am hiding from some people.” I remembered that sometime ago. The people who he is hiding from are people who he hurt. 5. I have learnt the importance of no contact and how effective it is. I heard that he is saying how I don’t call him (disappearing ex). I laughed at that heartily. After the disrespect shown to me, under no circumstances would I call him back. On the evening of his disappearance, I called him, then text him late in the night and got no response. The next day I heard nothing from him, that was Saturday. Sunday morning I called-no answer from and then I said that’s it. Monday-no response and on Tuesday, one of my sisters advised me to block my number and call him just in case something happened to him. I did just that and HE ANSWERED. So after that disrespect there was absolutely no way I was going to call him. I deleted his numbers but still wrote them somewhere so just in case he called, I would recognize the number. I wasn’t ever tempted to call him although I had his numbers in my book. I was tempted to message him feisty messages on facebook (his inbox) and I DIDN’T. Up to when I was going to delete him, one of my sisters suggested jokingly I say in his inbox before deleting him,”good riddance” and I didn’t do it. I maintained silence all the way. I am really glad I did. No contact as I learnt on a previous message board I used to frequent some years ago is very powerful and I have seen it for myself now that I have put this in practice.

Too Much – 516 – There is nothing to be done here. At two months, this isn’t really a relationship. And if he is really treating you in this way, is this the kind of man you want? How about taking your focus off of him and what he is or isn’t doing and go take care of yourself however this looks to you. Go make yourself feel good in any way you can, not in a band-aid kind of way but in a for now and always giving kind of way, as a way of life.

So his student visa has expired and he is going back to his country tomorrow. We not only have amazing physical attraction between us but emotional bonding as well.
Even though over the last months, about 1/2 year I somehow lost it because of my own problems and insecurities I managed to put whole the energy and focus on him and the relationship (of course I only became aware of it now when I’m getting my life back on track), and when around the new year I said to him I will definitely not come with him to his country and saw him pulling back I tried to pull him back close by my side.. Of course he got more and more distant, but he still loved me and gave me flowers every time we met and held my hand with love that I could feel the connection passing through. We live in different cities 1 hour apart and from being together every weekend it lessened to once in two weeks (at least mostly)..
But what I’m guessing because of me being focused on him instead of my own life and success he stopped working things out to stay here and crossed me out of his future. He suddenly was saying it’s impossible to stay here and there is no way, but I know it’s not the case. He got scared that he’d have to take care of me constantly. Now I even remember him saying something like that…
And even though I feel that most likely it’s not over yet, I give it about 99.9% because of our strong feelings for each other, I did mess things up, and I take responsibility for that. And I know what I have to do now…
I have to reaally pull back, to let him cool down and sort his own stuff out and let him start really missing me. And I have to fulfill my life with new friends, hobbies and interests. Date myself! Embrace my life, experiment and expand. And start dating other men!

When I had this in my life and I was confident with all the fab feeling messages (I’m getting back there though) he was so affectionate and told me he always wanted a real woman like me and was truly amazed by me.

Got this lessen now. Now I’ll be more aware and start really noticing when it’s time to pull back.. But I do hope and feel this man will be present in my life again…
Rori, is it wrong to hope and feel that you’ll get back with a certain man when dating and building a good away from him?

I also learnt the importance of circular dating as a way of weeding out the men who are not suitable. I understand that it might not be so easy to find a second man to date at times. I have also learnt that it is best to start how with no agenda-not focused on the outcome. I used to do that. I used to do that-when I meet a man, a few short months after we have met, I would start wondering if there is a future with them and start putting my first name with their last name. No agenda/passionately detached to the outcome. I have learnt about leaning back and the appropriate times it should be used. All of these things I will put in practice. I have subscribed to many coaches but zero in closely on the work of three. There is an important question I want to ask Dominique and Rori- Do u believe a woman should make the first move on a man or is that chasing? Is it okay to make the first move online when u meet men on the dating sites?

Too Much – it seems to me that you have already done all that you can do. You have already proven to yourself that whatever you did didn’t make him change in any way. It might have even made things worse. Why do you think now that doing more will get him to change his behavior?

Ok I’m out of town now, and cant catch up but watned to just give a brief update….

CollegeCD and I are doing AMAZING. This is the most emotionally available man I’ve ever known. I had NO IDEA that they existed like this. I am SO THANKFUL to Mercedes, Dominique, Rori, etc. for badgering me (lol!!!) into circular dating. Without letting go of GS I would have never even found anything else, let alone this guy. He is unbelievable. We have known each other for 23 years, but were never dating. The last month has been incredible. We stayed up talking last night for 2 hours on the phone about things that frankly we laughed, are not 1st month material….LOL.

GS is now texting me, making advances towards me. Interesting isnt it – the truth is there for us. When you TRULY change your vibe, it shows. I REALLY dont want him and I dont think this is the man for me. I care about him, and I can even see us being great friends because he was never an a** to me, he just didnt have the emotional capacity to be what I needed. But I TOTALLY understand Mercedes when she said that during the time that her and her guy were apart she really didnt want anything to do with him.

But….speaking of that – MERCEDES – yes, I am circular dating still. Last night I was at a coffee shop in the mountains, and enjoying the scenery. The HOTTEST guy in the world sat down next to me – totally out of my league. He was like MODEL hot. Long story short…..he got my number and we are going out before I leave here for work. LOL!!!!

I am coming face to face with so things right now that I am actually not able to stay on track with what I am feeling about all of them. Mostly I feel pressure, overwhelmed, ill at ease and alot of FEAR . I know it is affecting my vibe.

FavoriteCD again blew up at me last Friday because my daughter (age 24) wanted to have a birthday dinner that only included immediate family. He said if my adult children continued to exclude him it was a deal breaker for him. He spewed and ranted thru text..that ranged from me being immature for taking a large box of potato mix out of the his pantry and a blanket off the bed that I had brought from home.. to me not appearing to listen to him … to that he was not a priority in my life honestly !! It seems like every other week it is something and I am just so tired of it. I tried to talk to him to talk and understand, acknowledge that I heard his words and heart and it was going no where. He like a brick wall and just wanted to be mad and make the reason that the relationship was in trouble and was needing to take a break…. and in the midst of it my daugter called saying she was in the hospital and by grandson was on his way.

So off I go to the hospital with my heart feeling like it had been shreaded and kicked again…to greet my new grandbaby. I HATE that the event I had joyfully anticipated was overshadowed with what I felt like a selfish immature purposly hurtful tyrade.

I approached the next day (Sat) I decided that I was done with this relationship entirely and was busy doing what I needed to do to make the homecomming of my new grandson a good one for my daughter and her husband. FavoriteCD called me late in the afternoon asking what I was doing? I told him and he asked if I would like to come over later that evening. Which I declined because I had made a committment to clean my daughters house as a surprise for her homecomming ( the baby was a week early) . I was braced for more negative…. but instead he said he kindly said he understood and would make other plans. Huh???

THe next day I attended church and he found me there, sad next to me and reached for my hand… whispering that he loved me. Huh???? He asked if he could take me to lunch and I accepted. It was lovely! He was attentive… loving, kind, warm hearted… Huh??

All this week he is so complimentary, loving, positive, saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, doesnt want to loose me…. Huh???

I like it when he is like this. I feel afraid of when he will turn again or what will set him off. I dont feel safe, sure of anything. He is talking about the benefits of moving in together now!!! Yes there are monitary advantages but I made a promise that I would not EVER live with anyone again without marriage. I have to live true to my core and my values.

Congratulations Linda! I don’t like that list of feelings for you or that you went off to your joyous occasion with a shredded heart or that you don’t know when the next outburst will be.

From a purely outside looking in perspective I would not want that for any woman. I would want us all to have the reliable, safe, constant loving support of our men if that is what we want.

I have had relationships that have spoiled times that should have been happy and I have had relationships that have left me so drained or distracted by drama that I can’t achieve the things in my life that I want to achieve or be the best I can be for myself or others. I don’t want that kind of energy in my life any more; the emotional vampires.

Andrea – I loved reading your post and how great your dad was at stepping up

It made me think of my relationship with my dad which has utterly transformed over the last few years as both of us have transformed independently and probably because of each others transformations

I feel sure that my relationship with my dad has changed also as my relationships with the men around me have changed due to me growing more into my womanhood and vulnerability. All of my relationships with men including the one with my dad has softened and i’m sure that the transformation in my relationship with my dad is helping me to have better relationships with other men in my life – we are all learning what it means to love – I feel very blessed that my dad and I have chosen this path

No communication between the husband and I. I still feel in a good place but he’s always on my mind. Good and bad thoughts. Last night I felt the need to cry. I felt it’s time to move forward with me filing for divorce so I grabbed the papers and put them in my pocket book. I feel unsure whether my decision to file is based on what’s been going on or because of past history. I keep rethinking the issues we had in our marriage. If we do reconcile can I get over what was done? Can he get over what was done? How do we get past so much hurt and anger? And can we get past so much hurt and anger? The bad is out weighing the good so I feel the answer is right in front of me and I just choose not to see it.

yes, I’m still discerning the voices and which ones are my ego, which one is my intuition… it can be confusing sometimes… and then again Gina Lakes says the “Essence” or the intuition or God driven answers ( however you might describe them) are not really a voice but more of a knowing…..

today everything is out of wack with me… and yet, it’s all in perfect alignment.. I can feel things bubbling up to the surface again…

my intuition if off today….

and totally know what you mean! I too have a warm fuzzy feeling when I do move on my inner knowing…

Linda I am listening to another coach who just said “you can say anything to him if he feels you are on his side”.

Your post feels absolutely awful. While I feel concerned about coming across as if I *am not on your side* I still want to encourage you to look again at what happened to see if there is anything you could have tweaked so he could hear you without raging like that. This is for you. Reason being, no matter who we are in a relationship with it is empowering tp be able to have them hear us.

Maybe this guy has issues and get triggered by certain things. It is obvious you can press his buttons. Yes, and you are worthy of a better relationship, better treatment. Maybe just saying my heart is (fill in the blanks here) and just stepping away (hanging up the phone or going to another room, depending on the circumstances) can get him to notice that you put your heart first. Just totally disengage in the midst of the rant or say “STOP” might get him to snap to. I don’t want to be spoken to like that.

I am genuinely curious about what I’m going to ask you, and I mean no offence, and I ask myself the same question:

Are you hooked on coaches?
I mean, will there come a time where you feel you have enough knowledge in your own bones, and trust your self enough?
I ask because I fear my old patterns pop up if I’m not constantly reading reminders from coaches. Yet I don’t want to depend on them. And I don’t want to feel like they are the experts and I am something lesser.

I love and appreciate you, FW, and some of the most moving things I have read on here have been when you have expressed your own deepest self.

April Rose I have no worries about being hooked on coaches. I am an avid learner so I naturally am open to learning from others. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my own opinions or pay attention to how I feel and what is in front of me. One of the reasons I refer to coaches many times on here is to bring to people’s attention that there are multitudes of options, experiences and opinions. If one doesn’t work the other might. Also it is my belief that the world is a big place so I am not prone to pigeonholing myself into one way of doing things. So yes I am and will remain open to all that is out there. I also find it intriguing to notice similarities in what is out there. I don’t think I will ever be exclusive with one because I believe there is a lot to learn and no one person can know all the answers. I don’t believe either that I can learn it all.

Maybe things ending with BM was a good thing and I’m hoping I can accept that without viciousness or bitterness yet not condoning what I was unhappy with. I hope this isn’t a temporary feeling. I would really like some peace on this.

I notice that I keep using him as a way to process things. Initially I felt dismayed that I was keeping myself stuck. I probably still am in small ways. Today I’ve been using him in an imagined scenario of sharing my boundaries i.e. if he came back wanting a relationship how would I feel, what would I say etc. which is actually about facing the prospect of love/relationship again. By the end of it I realised that I really don’t want to get into a relationship soon – the thought of it feels tiring/exhausting.

just stopping for myself, I don’t have to say it outloud to just do it for ME… and then state what I need or don’t want…

it is empowering… for me at least. I can’t ever know how a man will react… he will or he won’t.

@April Rose good question for me to ask myself…. it makes me cry what you said… I’m reading all these books, newsletters… from coaches, experts… all so I can be better! and why am I crying b/c I don’t feel I can do it on my own…there seems to be a need to be perfect (based on all these experts) in order to attract the right man…and keep him. It feels like men are fragile.. I have to walk on eggshells….

I feel after listening to and reading all this stuff from experts etc… I just can’t do it good enough! Let alone Right! I work on it, but I cant’ do it 24/7 like Rori says! B/c then I’d not be able to do anything else. It feels hopeless!! I have to say it right, make sure i’m being feminine, react right, don’t panic ever!, respond right, lean back, know when to lean back, choose my words – all the time, if I don’t say it where he can hear it, it could be fatal to the relationship….and I have to remember all this all the time, it just feels so overwhelming that I feel like giving up… and throwing up…

I have no fear of patterns popping up. If they do, then they do. For me life is too fulfilling right now to walk around with that type of fear. I am having a ball interacting with different people in different ways. Also going deep into myself experimenting with talking to myself differently and playing around with different beliefs.

I have not responded to that guy … I don’t have anything to say, really. I did release what came up by creating a video. I mean, it’s going to be the same with him as it was with that other guy. I don’t have personal relationships anymore. He would either need to support my life purpose or he’s not going to be in my life.

$700 in sales overnight doing nothing … My affiliate really stepped up his game … I feel reassured that God is taking care of me …

Dominique – @545 – This is a definate pattern and is a red flag. I have decided it is not ok now or in the the future. I have some feelings I have to share with him. I know by the time we reach the age the FavoriteCD and I are… there are plenty of triggers and failures. I have never fooled myself into thinking that relationships at this age wont have some unwanted baggage attached. I definately let him know three weeks ago that the cold shoulder treatment was something that I would NOT have in my life. He has made some effort to curb that. He does listen to me when he is not mad that is.

It is just that emotional upheaval is sooo draining and I just cant take it. I am not compatible in any way and my tolerance for it is zero.

I feel leary of his attitude right now and even though I am still able to receive what he brings… I feel guarded deep down now.

FW… I responded to his texts that accussed me of the things I posted earlier with a defusing response. Acknowledging his feeling and heart, agreeing where I could. I totally am looking for resolution and communication style that is not condeming or button pushing.

The most attractive “vibe” you can radiate is one of “languorousness” – as though you have “all the time in the world.”

1. SLOW DOWN your speaking.

2. Practice this all day, every day – at the market, at work – ESPECIALLY when you feel stressed.

3. At first – it’ll feel like you’re talking 1/2 speed, and your body will start urging you to speed up. Don’t do it. Now…

4. See if you can get your body to slow down, too – to follow the lead you’re setting with your voice.

5. As you start to speak more slowly, and move
more slowly – a kind of relaxation will start to show up in your body and your movements – and this is incredibly attractive to a man.

6. It will actually bring out your sensuality – and we all know how attractive that is to a man.

7. As you begin to slow down instead of speed up in “low-risk” situations – you’ll start to notice how you’re able to slow down more in “high-risk” situations – with a man you’re very attracted to.

And…as you begin to use this Tool – you’ll start to notice how a man is much more “into you” when you slow down your speaking and your movements and are able to listen to him easily, without working hard to be attentive.

There’s also a part of me that feels giddy and excited about doing this inner work and then meeting an amazing man. I’m not expecting. I love the energy of that particular goodness existing while I’m doing this work. It’s been awesome seeing some men literally change before me – I can actually see the difference. Not only that it feels like magic but it feels so good to see these men deriving some benefit from this experience too. It feels like we’re colluding : ) secretly, quietly : )

Linda – 554 – I understand. Reminds me much of my ex though he was ever so much worse than what you describe. Still the feelings are the same, the wariness, the fear. I wouldn’t want to expose myself this this again, and I really don’t want it for you either.

I really feel you. I guess the difference with me is that I have a bit of a non-chalant attitude. What the heck. I have been doing good with myself all these years is what I believe that I wonder what can really go wrong with any one particular man. The world is a big place filled with many people.

I really started to feel smothered by one man who is *always there*. So I let my annoyance leak out in my vibe while in a conversation with him recently. He is always there kinda with expectations and like I must always be available. Mind you he recently redid my kitchen. Even surprised me one afternoon when I got home because I spoke to him and the kids and no one told me he was there painting. But am I supposed to be eternally grateful and have a sense of heavy obligation just because. Well I say no, So when I started to feel smothered I put on my diva hat and responsed to him with the hand on the hip up your face “YEAH”. Then I backed away and he felt it in the ether. After 2 weeks I initiated a little and now he is tiptoeing and pacing himself coming back closer. I have already gotten 3 calls today and I only took one.

And then I want to take all these positive feelings and write a message to BM filled with forgiveness energy saying that I don’t hate him. Hm but I always want to do that when I’m on a good self-discovery episode – and I can see how masculine that is and how I do have some expectation of a response because it feels so wonderful.

But I won’t write him yet. I need to cultivate a way of enjoying these moments for myself so I’ll be selfish for a while : )
or forever
*because it’s my choice*

Reading all the inner work stuff makes me realise the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t care as much now that I’m inexperienced because I’m on my way and I trust my heart and my head and my body to take all the wisdom I need and make it happen for me.

I really like the energy of this and want to use as much of it as I can

I haven’t had that yet… though with “L” ..he was texting, calling or chatting with me all the time and it was beginning to feel that way… though I think I’d rather have that than what it felt with “M” who was always trying to get away from me…and yet still complaining I wasn’t leaning forward enough for him. He liked me to lean forward go figure? he wanted space and he didn’t… it gets all confusing spending so much energy on deciphering men… It would be good to get paid for it… LOL!

I guess I’m too attached to finding a long term man… that must be it!!!… I’m 50

I hear you on the kitchen thing… “M” was like that… he would do something for me… and act like it was the most grandiose thing on the planet and I should have eternal gratitude for it… when all it took was a phone call ( I showed gratitude! “your so amazing”, but it wasn’t enough)… what’s that all about?

I’ve been so caught up in working, I haven’t had the energy to care about dating, but I want to now, very much, because it feels like an imbalance in my life. Also I’ve been afraid of falling for yet another player bad boy, because I never ever want to feel that kind of disempowerment again! But that’s still giving them too much power. I’ve been practicing dating things on random men, and I want to honor that, because every little practice has been an act of courage and I’ve learned something about softening and letting go, and the male energy felt really freaking good. I don’t ever
want to get down on myself again for being single. It’s not a nice thing to do to myself. And if I open my eyes I have a lot of learning experiences and CD type events, even if not actual dates, going on around me, and they are valuable.

I liked an earlier post about feng shueing my home, and darn it, I’m going to do it! I’m creating the space for delicious love in my life, and I’m going to enjoy the journey, with all my might.

Lisa I am 52. I kinda don’t give a sh!it. I am in the zone of having fun. Believing in myself. Believing that I have enough in me to influence men. Just this Saturday I was at a party and decided to dance by myself *just to see what would happen*. I was at the back of the room having fun when a man came over and stood there watching me and rocking. I know he felt my vibe but I was doing me. I looked at him once or twice but was not interested in inviting him in so I kept focussed on radiating the vibe of enjoying my life and being a sensual woman. He stood there the whole time entranced. Afterwards a couple others came up to me to talk.

Earlier in the day one would leave my table. My girlfriend and I was being present bantering back and forth with him. You could tell when things, certain words, bypassed his conscious logical mind and went straight to his subconscious. For the longest while he kept going back and forth from his table to ours. It was easy to tell when he was hooked.

I hear you! and I get it! I do! I know it doesn’t sound that way when I post… but if you were with me and we went dancing you’d see I do the same… I don’t mind dancing with myself… totally have the best time by myself… warm and loving energy and yes, I attract men…my sensual vibe is there, they tell me it is… ugg not the men I want to be attracting though… ugg…

Yet, there is a real desire for a constant one…

I’ve had fun and carefree and all that… I want a full time partner!!!.. and yet, I don’t have one!!… so I just need to keep on keeping on having that vibe and continuing to attract men,having fun until one shows up… that rocks my world… b/c that is my reality now…he hasnt’ shown up yet… I need to accept it…

So, I guess I’m not the point where I don’t give a shit… but I do feel like giving up… maybe I’m close LOL!!

I feel so grrrrrrrrr!
T got triggered last night
In the middle of talking about something completely different, he started throwing out accusations that I had evaporated on him, abandoned him, taken an axe to our relationship time and again, “eviscerated our relationship So Finally time and again” (which kind of made me laugh, because it doesn’t even make sense), that why on EARTH would he want to consider …I don’t know, something something…sex with me? Spending time with me? I’m not sure what…
So I could just set him up AGAIN and hurt him.

Just…ick.
I felt defensive for about a minute, then I realized how ridiculous it was, I told him I didn’t want to go off in that direction but old patterns kept resurfacing, one after the other.

I held strong, I felt SO strong.
And finally got off the phone…and realized,
that is SO not about me.
Totally not about me.
I’ve been hearing the story of “the abandonment of T” by Every Woman Ever.
EVER.

I don’t feel like I can handle that kind of stuff from him.
He felt triggered, probably because I told him I decided in advance, that if I chose to visit next month, I do not want to have sex with him.
He HATES that. Hates hates hates “planning”, and really…so what? We are not lovers, we are friends.
He has a lover already, who he had decided to commit to (without her knowledge). He isn’t dating or sleeping with anyone else, as far as I know she has every intention of staying poly and uncommitted…

so…wtf.
He didn’t like ME deciding to shut down the possibility. He wanted to keep the option open in his mind…
so I imagine he felt out of control, hence the triggers.

I don’t feel like I can handle this with him.
I feel like telling him, I don’t want to talk to you until you get Professional Help.
Fo Realz.
He was adopted…and the language he uses leads me to believe he hasn’t resolved and released his birth trauma. I feel for him. I can relate.
AND
I did a gazillion hours of therapy. I faced the primal pain. I did the work.

I really feel like taking a strong stand on this.
It feels scary.

and you know what? I’m tired of hearing “Love brings up anything like itself to be healed”.
He has thrown that in my face as a reason to be sh!tty to me so many times in the past.

I want to do inquiry and EFT on this.
What if that is a lie?
What if I can change that in my consciousness, that love is generative and brings up more and more love?
What else is possible?

I don’t know, and I’m willing to find out.

Back to my mantra….
God is the love in which I forgive myself …
breathe…

Ok good point!!… it’s about my addiction to feel good hormones… I can see that might be a possibility… I’m assuming you were speaking of me having the addiction to the hormones…?

“It could also be about “wanting it in his love language”….. Him or me? I’m not sure what you meant by that?

How to explain why I continually get into relationships with men that think that “I owe” them tons more for what “little effort” they do ( that I’m always grateful for) and yet how when I do something for him it isn’t ever enough, even if, it’s all I have? The story for that is … creating my father all over again… YIKES!! how the Hell do I stop that repeat story…and find a man that isn’t my father… ugg… apparently saying NO to them and moving on hasn’t done it…. must be another splinter…

Indigo: YES, YES, secure in the silence. It is not even an issue. You just are not talking at the moment but you are delicately connected by being near each other physically. Its like the radio being on in the background playing nice soft music you are pleased with. No effort to make it work. It just happens.

I let it go, especially last night and actually forgot all about it. I so enjoy my times with him, now it seems silly in light of what I have. He is very, very expressive, he squeals melodramatically when he has a bite of my cooking and loves to joke around.

I met his mom Saturday. He was a nervous wreck!! But afterwards he was so happy and calm.

I’ve been nauseous this afternoon… very tired lately… sore breasts..tingling nipples, eating tons of food even in the middle of the night… heartburn.. etc…

I didn’t think anything of it….until my older daughter said tonight Mom are you pregnant?

OMG! I hope not I’m 50… and was told that being on bio identical hormone replacement would help me not to get pregnant… and then I googled the % of chance and read Dr. Erika’s blog and find out it help women at age 50 get pregnant…

I’m spotting.. sooooo… I’m hoping I’m not…

oh dear would that be life changing? Ok..not going to think about it… until I test…

That is why I’m not so keen on this “receiving from men” without explicit up front agreements.

This last guy was going to be doing all kinds of things to help me, including home improvement … only he didn’t state the “price” up front … he was trading for sex and a “life commitment.” Which felt like a “life sentence.

For me, passively going along with a man giving to me when I’m not sure what his motivations are is a “no go.” Oh I paid for it later with this guy. I learned in my business to be a big fan of explicit up front agreements. And I’m gonna do the same in relationships. This is where I depart from what I perceive as the “vagueness” of pure feminine energy. Most people IMO are operating from a set of relationship “default expectations” that in my view don’t work, and from my experience, they need to be explicitly renegotiated not left unsaid.

I feel powerful writing this. I’m creating my own version of “feminine” energy integrated into my wholeness that feels better to me …

Erika – referring to your comment on receiving and “upfront agreements.” For me – the power is in “what feels good.” So – if a man wants to give me something, and I can feel that he’s giving it to me because he WANTS something in return – I’m going to pick up on that. AND I get to say “No Thank you.” The thing is: Most of us resist and have little practice at hearing ourselves, listening to ourselves or trusting ourselves, and our “How does this feel to me…” meters are all skewed.

We turn back gifts from men (emotional, psychological, physical, tangible, intangible) that are given “no strings attached” – and accept miserly men because they somehow feel safer. For me – experience is a teacher, yes, and we need to learn to hear the lesson. Mostly, for me, we interpret that lesson through our past experience – which is not helpful.

Experience just teaches us to have the same perspectives and interpretation, over and over again – as if those are “right.”

The power in feminine energy is to begin to pick up on when something feels peaceful and “in the pocket” – and when it feels stressful. And “for what reason” it might feel stressful – so it’s not about stuck feelings and fear rather than right-on intuition.

So – for me, that’s where the power and learning is – and not in trying to make any kind of rules…

Yea these are not rules. It’s an intuitively-guided way of living. For me there is a lot of real, deep connection in explicit agreements. So many times I can intuit that someone is doing something for the wrong reasons, or for unclear reasons … and when we can talk about it out in the open, it feels like a relief for everyone involved and leads to deeper understanding.

I really like agreements. I feel very peaceful when agreements are clear. There is no way I’ll be investing in a guy again without a very clear agreement.

I still feel grateful for this experience. In a way, this guy and my ex feel like matter and anti-matter … one I put on a pedestal, one felt way “beneath” me … I keep recording videos, and now it feels like the two are coming together, equalizing, and the more the two are neutralizing each other … the better I am feeling …

Plus guys keep showing up out of thin air … so I feel intrigued to keep going …

Thanks Rori I really like the new newsletters. And the LoveScripts programs. Quite a lot really.

and a freely giving man that was generous would be out of my comfort zone

I attract men that are selfish, miserly, wanting something in return, not concerned with my feelings/needs.. b/c I’m still trying to get the love from my father that I never got and he was like that…….

miserly love is better than no love….and I’m starved for love…… afraid I’ll not get better, tired of waiting for better, can’t imagine having better….

juicy stuff here…

this just came out of me after reading Rori’s post and Sophie’s post… father stuff!

540-Dominique, thanks a lot. You know I am not sure I can do it, based on all that I have learnt over the year, but I will see, when the opportunity presents himself. U know something, I think I will leave it to the man. Yep. If I change my mind and do it, I will lean back afterward and see what happens after making the initial first move.

Erika my friend knows that with me there is no such thing as trading for sex. He does things because he gets to feel good with all the praise and appreciation I get practice showering on him. He seems to be a glutton for that. While I get to practice authentically speaking from my heart and receiving. I have even gotten my car cleaned without even asking. If he hears any mention of another man, and he tends to ask, his protective and chivalrous instincts go into overdrive. T

I love receiving from men when they are really just giving to give, for the enjoyment of giving. Like that guy who bought my dinner in Costa Rica.

I don’t like receiving from men when they seem to be unclear about their own motivations. It feels heavy to me.

A guy once gave a gift to me when my business was just getting going, and I felt so grateful … until he reacted to a FB post of mine without even clarifying what my intention was … by asking if he’d just given to a “scam” … I set the boundaries right away. I said if it wasn’t really a gift and he was now going to tell me how to run my business, then it would be best for me to send the check back to him. He stopped making comments like that after that.

I’ve seen plenty of guys give purely, and I’ve seen plenty of guys seeming to give purely only to resent it later. I don’t like the unclear situations, I don’t like how they feel later. Having clear agreements when I feel doubt about where the other person is at has greatly reduced the amount of time I spend feeling yucky about situations like this.

It may not sound very romantic … I’m really not sure how much I value romance anymore to be honest. I’m tired of fantasies (mine and men’s) that have never given me what I want. I like grounded situations that I can count on. I’d rather have peace. Co-creation is plenty of excitement for me, and I don’t want co-creation without a super stable foundation that I can count on. For me that foundation is built on clear agreements.

Heard from my ex again about something he thought he left at my house. Feeling peaceful and not all stressed as I was a few weeks ago. Keeping that “no initiating contact” counter ticking, and just responding warmly.

Your post “For me, passively going along with a man giving to me when I’m not sure what his motivations are is a “no go.”

I read Rori’s post and I can find it clear as day!

with “M” I knew with in the first 2 weeks of dating that he had a “what’s in it for me attitude”…he pretty much even said it..

and Rori is right about not listening to our inner knowing… except I do/did listen… I just let people talk me out of it… every time I raised a concern about “giving to get”. Someone would say something about me nit picking, or misunderstanding him, or maybe he was being romantic… I Knew all along he wasn’t… !! WOW!

I listened to me a dozen times with that man and heard that voice (Rori is talking about) my Gut, knew it and then allowed myself to be talked out of it, b/c of others doubts I knew what I was talking about… Bingo! I do have ( have had to for a long time) the knowing, I do listen to it! I just don’t trust it over other people’s ideas, opinions when they say I’m misinterpreting it, and questioning my wisdom!

and I love it! I get to say NO THANK YOU next time I feel that same thing with a man.

WOW Thanks to you both!!! Amazing progress I’m making with these posts! Incredible insight!!!

Lisa – what you’ve written really resonates with me and how I felt at the start of my last relationship… but for me, I wanted to be in a relationship so much that *I* ignored it. And I know now that I deserve better, and that i TRUST myself.

And what I’m seeing now for me is that being single for a long time was important. It’s the being totally okay with being single that gives me the strength to hold out for what I really want instead of settling. There’s no longer any temptation to do what I did in the past, get into relationships that weren’t right because the guy could fill some kind of need but not really satisfy me. I can meet all my own needs now.

So the question now is – what does this man add? He’s got to be very self-actualized himself to add anything. Most men aren’t there yet, and in their presence, I just feel drained. My life is better single than with them.

All a man can really add when all my needs are met is co-creation. Like I said, I’ll have what Mercedes is having. Shared life purpose. For me, that is where it’s at. That’s the only thing that could inspire me now to be in a relationship instead of single.

Erika – This single period now, is the one where I’ve learned to be truly happy with it. Just before my last relationship, I was single for 2 years (including 5 months of pregnancy) and so was really suffering with wanting to be in a relationship, wanting a partner to do this parenting thing with… trying so hard to be ok with being single but not ever really truly feeling it. So while it was the longest period of being single since my first relationship at 19, it wasn’t the best period. And so I *KNOW* how important this last man in my life was, because if things had not ended in the spectacular and unbelieveable way they did, I would not have entered int my “go hard or go home” adventure of self love, self respect and self trust. So for that, I love him.

Wondering if i should take another chance on my ex, i feel i would and quick too but think to myself…..will it happen again. The not being honest and having communication.

It is a relationship i enjoy, sex was so good and our compatibility was so good its scary..

im wanting a partner .. to be married … and be dedicated to it.

Ii expect to be taken serious, and to not be critical of me, and to put me at the top of the list and stand up for me…not that i cant take care of myself but it shows commitment i think t poo always value and protect your partners image..

Wow, that sounds like a powerful and positive step. Maybe not “positive” in the sense of “pleasant.” But positive for your life, in that I can feel your clarity and your conviction of knowing what is right for you, and what isn’t. And brava for doing this, because I know it must be so difficult. I wish you a lot of strength!

My self talk/thinking vascillates between coaching myself to be patient (that feels good) and saying to myself, “well, I really just want to tell him this one thing,” and then wording the potential email in my brain. But if I ever make a move to start writing it out, I can’t get past “hi.” I sit there, and it almost hurts. The feeling goes away when I delete the email. And then it feels like, “thank goodness!”

I went online today and edited my profile for the Indian dating site. Hehe! And then I got a “hi” from someone. But not anyone I wanted to talk to. Still, it was nice to get the response

I feel like respecting my body more these days. I don’t want to give her what other people think she wants. I want to honor her and let her have what she actually wants.

@femininewoman, Luzydel,
The emailer CD responded, five days down the line.

His emails is “mirroring” mine..hehe.- “good to hear from you. My work is going slow, finshed with field research and trying to write now. Would be great to meet. Let me know your plans when you are here. Hope you are well”.

Will check him out while in his city, and have fun. :-). Shall see what happens.

Inbetw, do I say something about the earlier email I had written (which stalled conversation). indicating I was “feeling lost writing emails”? or just let it go?

I am going to just be there in the moment, have fun, and say what I feel
Feels like too much of energy even “thinking” should i bring it up or not?
Off to work now, and some fun meeting family in the evening.

Thank you for saying that…
He does create happiness for me. We have a three day vacation that HE planned already set. He asked if I still want to go and OF COURSE I want to go! The idea thrills me and next time I see him I want to tell him how happy going with him makes me. The trip makes me feel lighter. Although I question whether deep down a marriage with him is what I want??? I think….I do if he changes some things, but if he changes, then he wouldn’t be him, so the answer would be no….maybe I want him to change without me having to ask?? Either way…one day I DO want marriage and family. Maybe he will marry someone one day, maybe he won’t, but I want the best marriage possible and do not want to coerce anyone or worse….trap a man with pregnancy! I don’t understand women with children from many different men who remain unmarried. I don’t mean to be offensive, but I wonder if they choose not to be responsible on purpose in order to trap a man? I do not want a shotgun wedding. I do not want a man to feel obligated to marry me due to pregnancy, especially when he has stated he does not want any more children. The more I process this…the more I feel good with who I am and where I am in his heart. He may not want marriage or more kids with me, but he genuinely loves me. He said that this other woman is out of his life, but that I am the one here in front of him. Part of me wonders if walking away would inspire him to step up….but I don’t want to walk away with that intention. He also says that my attitude towards exclusivity right now is like “You want your cake and eat it too.” I explained that I’m not sleeping around, I just don’t want to be exclusive because I need to leave the door open for someone who wants to be with me 100% to walk in. I told him I want to be with him, but I can’t be 100% if all the things I want ultimately are not on the table. I don’t know a clearer way to explain it.

Thank you for your responses yesterday. I love the tough love – it is what I need to hear.

So, he contacted me and said he sensed I was upset and did I need some space from him. Then he said that he really wanted to see me. I agreed and he said he was very relieved and happy.

To cut a long story short we had a really nice night together. But my worry is the next time we are in a group situation he will be exactly the same and I won’t be able to handle it and J feel panicked and trapped at the thought if it. It’s almost like being with two different people.

Oh yes I know the difference and at times have not trusted my intuition.

Not just from men either.
When it is used to seduce and manipulate in order to try and control me to get me to do what they want.

Inviting me round for elaborate meals to get me to go on holiday with them.
Inviting me for balloon rides to get me to want to be their girlfriend.
Offering me stuff because they want to control.

And then the opposite just giving to me beacuse they want to because they feel joy from it.

Yes when I tune in it and listen, my gut just knows. The trouble is when my head ignores it or tries to talk me out of my knowing. Wanting to belive that people are just wanting to be nice and have no ulterior motive.
Those times and those people are rare. And are a joy to be with.

Rori,
I want to thank you for all the good work and support you have been providing to women and girls. I am Egyptian (32 year old) and i find your advice and approach refreshing, honest and empowering. I also would like to tell you that your tools/steps helped me regain my confidence in distinguishing my emotions, to distinguish what drives my thinking and what drives my emotions.. to try to differentiate between the feeling of urgency and the need to accept it and let it blend in me.. it is not easy and is quiet scary!
I actually fell ill throughout this process, i guess my body and mind were shocked of the approach i was following..i lost the sense of smell for a while, and was breathless most of the time..it seems that fear was still inside me and your tools, that i was applying with men, my x boy friends and my current crush as well as my co workers and friends, were working effectively that my body fell sick..i am recovering though

Now back to where your advice is needed. It has been a month that I have a crush on my neighbor who is a 36 year old musician who lives in the block right next to me, he approached me in a neighbors gathering, exchanged numbers and invited me over his place for tea, which I accepted and went to visit him a couple of times (I live with my parents) . We have fun and interesting talks. I feel at ease and relaxed around him with him (he gave me a very good back massage one day and i gave him a smack on the mouth right after..it was the first time i ever approach a man and kiss him) . i don’t seek to impress him when we are together..so i m at ease around him. He also opened up to me regarding his parents, and their death at an early age..i felt quiet emotional listening to his story, especially that we barely knew each other. Now he seems to disappear from time to time, and I feel this big urge to know how he is doing, and an urge to text him (using feeling messages as much as possible)
So today he called me after I texted him the night before, he had disappeared for a week without any contact. I used a feeling message ‘Hey neighbor I feel breathless in this humid weather..what r u up to?”. He called the next day. We had a nice brief talk about each ones travel plans and it lasted for 3 minutes (too many things can happen in those 3 minutes, they felt like 15 minutes!), then by the end he said “sorry if I disappeared for the past week I was working and i was barely at home- this is why haven’t been around..’, and I was stuck! I didn’t know what to answer back. I couldn’t say “it is alright’ or “never mind” that you disapeared, because this is not what I felt. I also didn’t want to tell him “I felt distant from you” which was exactly how I felt. So I kept quiet, no word. Then while was wrapping up the conversation I abruptly hang up the phone.
Rori, is it OK to keep quiet in such moments or express your feelings as they are upfront?? Especially that I’ve just known him for less than one month. Does being quiet works for me or against me when you are no OK with the situation? Hanging up abruptly on him was my way of showing that I was not very happy that he disappeared.

FW @558 Interesting observation. I did not grow up in an environment where conflict resolution was displayed. If there was a disagreement between my Mother and anyone…she would get mad, yell and then cut all communication and ties with that person or group. It felt awful growing up as a kid living with the constant fact that I could not look at speak to, play with kids or step foot in a neighbors yard that my mom had gotten upset with. She forbade it. It was not for a short time either… it could be years of that! One year on vacation with another family my mom and the other mom got into an argument over potato salad and everything shut down. We spent the next day not getting to talk to our traveling partners and were made to leave and go home early.

I guess I have really tried to learn ways to live the complete opposite of what was modeled as I grew up. In the light of saying that… I measure my words carefully before I say them, always try to acknowledge the other persons issue (whatever it may be) and them state my position. It feels responding instead of reacting to me.

I did not completely post about my conversation with him after his barage of texts. I certainly did clearly let him know how I felt and what I thought , I just did in the way that felt best to me. Dont get me wrong, there are times I just see red and become really mad. I am just not wired in a way to blow up. I have a really heavy logical thinky side of me that I am learning to integrate my emotions in to. It is a work in progress.

I suppose the my approach to conflict could well feel like I am “trying to be nice”… I do however, make my feelings known with the goal of resolution.

Ericka – you said.. He would either need to support my life purpose or he’s not going to be in my life.

This feels clean and decisive, strong. What do you do if someone slips in that turns out not to be someone who supports your life purpose? I know you were refering to business type relationships but is it different in personal relationships?

Ouch. That feels a difficult one as an observer Linda re your daughter only wanting family at her Birthday and your ‘boyfriend’ date, feel unsure what he is? Not feeling happy at being excluded.

I can see that you Daughter is entitled to invite who she wants.
And that you will eithet then chose to go or not.
And then he will choose if he can continue to be with you if you chose to go without him.
And you chose if you want to be with him if he states what he thinks or feels about it.

Will he really want to become part of a family who is excluding him like this?
I wouldn’t.
Would you? So can see his point.
Can also see your daughters point if she doesn’t like him or want him there.
And also see your point that you want to do what your daughters wants.

What do you want though?
Are you a couple? Do you want to be has he asked?
What does he want? Does he want to be a couple?

Seems an ideal opportunity to clarify what you both want. And where you both see this heading.

Focusing more and more on me.
I’m breathing through urges hear and there to call T, dreaming up rebuttals for stuff, realizing I want to control his story about me.
Let this be the last relationship about control….
let this be done!

riffing….
haha OOOOHHH I see it now…the carrot…that dangling carrot…
he said, “you’re not ready for me…”
and maybe, someday, if I’m really evolved and ..some undefinable something…I’ll be ready…for him (vomit)
I feel idignant, outrage…
I don’t want to know what it takes to be ‘ready’ for a guy who lives in a dirty house, and is addicted to pot and cigarettes. Yeah. There. I said it. Addicted. Not a habit, or a user…addicted. Just let myself say it …oh, I feel sick even thinking it. Wow I sure like to make excuses for this guy feeling shrinky and sick inside…I don’t like to name-call….
He lives in a dirty, dusty old house full of junk and tie-dyes, still sleeps on the mattress that was old 10 years ago that he and his ex bought together, balked at my refusal to sleep on it ever again…”oh, it was in storage for 2 years, that energy is all gone from it”…
er, no, it isn’t, not for me, and I don’t like dirty old mattresses.

What feels bad to me, is thinking that he will probably quit smoking and get a new mattress for his new gf.
What he wouldn’t do for me.
Makes my throat feel chokey, sadness, tears.
I can’t control it.
I don’t want him as he is and I’m imagining he will probably turn around and be a better man for someone else.
I feel like a failure.
I failed to inspire him.
Geez I didn’t even like him much, what am I worried about?
I love him, I love who he is, I’m not down with a lot of his habits that are nasty to me.
I feel confused.
My neck hurts.
I can’t make him love me the way I want to be loved, and what he has on offer to me isn’t good enough…
isn’t even REAL.
All of the posturing about “going with the flow” and deciding in the moment and staying open, non-monogamous…
I feel nauseous..
he already decided to not have any other relationships besides A (but she doesn’t know that).
Good. Fine.
I don’t like it.
I feel sadness
and I can’t control it.
Which feels freeing.

I feel urges to call and explain…to tell him, I decided what I did because I don’t like the smoking, I don’t like the dirty housekeeping, the old musty stuff all around, it doesn’t make me feel sexy…
but he KNOWS that.
If someone else can deal with that then fine.
I feel…more chokey in the throat, sensation in my belly, around the navel.
I feel close to crying
and this feeling feels familiar
feels like
illusions and veils falling away
more anger
I still feel angry
“Not ready for you??? I DON’T EVEN WANT YOU!!!” I want to shout.
Well good, then, let’s stop pretending.
I don’t know what that means…does it mean I should stop speaking to him?
I don’t know.
I feel angry.
He was all…proud and acknowledging because I stayed connected even when things felt bad and unpleasant, and it felt to me like he wanted to keep it there, like, that was what felt like love and felt meaningful to him, if I hung in there through feeling horrible
and I don’t want to sacrifice my feelings of well being, I don’t want to sacrifice feeling good, to make him happy, to make HIM feel safe and make HIM feel secure when….WHY? What for??
So he can pretend to be “open” and “non-monagamous” and flowy and stuff, when secretly he’s already committed to someone else and had decided to exclude me without discussing it with me?
F*ck this.
F*ck f*ck f*ckity f*ck this.

I got angry, really angry with him for the first time in a long time…he was giving me unsolicited advice on the care and handling of HIM and I just stopped cold…
No.
NO
NO
I told him, “I have OVER accomodated you. I have turned myself inside out learning to ‘handle’ you. I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m through. I’m done. If I’ve done all of this inner work, jumped through hoops, made radical changes, and it STILL isn’t enough for you I’m not giving One More Drop.
I’m just NOT.
No.
I feel some sadness that I haven’t been “enough”
and maybe
just maybe
this will be the last time I need a man to make me feel “not good enough”.
maybe I’m done being attracted to “not enough”.
Outside of coaching with him, which is awesome, what he has to offer isn’t enough for me, either.
I don’t like his friends, I don’t like his housemates, I don’t like the people he wants to seduce me into going into partnership with, they aren’t trustworthy and are outright hostile to me, wtf would I want with that?
I feel sick to imagine someone else will be his ‘enough’ and not me
which is kind of twisted, lol.
What do I care?
Good.
Good.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m done with crumbs…??
Feels lighter,
makes me feel laughter..
could be true..
maybe…
it seems scary to believe
maybe it really is okay to let it all go
I feel scared
I don’t know what is going to happen
Maybe even worse, is that nothing will change
No, that feels bad…
I’d rather feel, “I don’t know, I don’t know” it makes me feel excited and laughy.
Okay, yes, feeling lighter, the butterflies are flying out of my tum
yes yes
feels good
okay good…back to work…
hugs to me.
I love me.
I feel scared again…
I feel scared to congratulate myself, I feel scared to trust that I’m not making a huge mistake
I feel scared he might be right, that I am somehow “not ready” for him. Thinking of it makes me feel ill, so it’s possibly a lie…
I need to tap on that at break, m’kay?
Not now.
kk
I love me
yum yum

Oh Gosh when we listen.
Last night I listened to an aqaintance telling me how he was happy that he was going back home to sleep with my friend who he has an uncommitted relationship wth because he doesn’t want to be stuck with anyone. And likes to go out and do his own thing to be free to take back any women as and when he wants but have her when it suits.
The thing that felt so awful to hear was how that when and if she becomes a Grandmother that he is going as he doesn’t want to sleep with a woman who is a Grandmother and also that if they have an accidental pregnancy that he will force her to have an abortion.
He also tells het what she is and isn’t allowed to read, watch on tv etc, And tells her to tell her bother what he isn’t allowed to read etc.

He appears so placid and docile on the surface. It makes me feel sad knowing this is not who is on the inside. And sad knowing I cannot choose who my friends get involved with.

My concern is that you might be stuffing down your Drama Queen who might be writhing to get acknowledge. She might just be the part of you that gets you what you want and gets things changed. A little drama might just bring him the THRILLS he is lacking.

More clarity..
haha the siren’s song of “something is wrong with you and your life…come live this way! It’s so much better!!”
He believes his way of life is better…
and when I hated myself, I agreed.
He felt sad and sorry for his exes who “went to the dark side” and chose lives THEY wanted and not what he thought was “better”
and I sooo wanted to be the one that “made it”, that got the stamp of approval
and
I know he was only reflecting the part of me that hated me and thought there was something wrong with me and my life…and I probably did that for him (feels sick to type that)
I don’t want any more relationships about the ‘wrongness’ of me and I’m sure he doesn’t, either, who wants that?
No more relationships founded on illusions, deceit, half-truths…
no
no no no no.
NO.
I love me TOOO much for that mess.
I feel so icked and feel so relieved to be shedding this skin…so many years of feeling ‘tolerated’, going where I felt accepted rather than where I felt celebrated, because I thought I was LUCKY and people were doing me a FAVOR to be friends with me.
F*ck that.

I am the prize.
I am the treasure.
I am a queen.

I want to feel like a queen.
I’ve been with men who have made me feel a lot of things, but rarely like a queen and rarely for more than a minute and I feel ready for more.
Yes.
That feels true
Yes.
happythankyoumoreplease!!

Beloved – I admire your vulnerability – I wish I could be that articulate.

And I’m finding revelations in what you wrote – I also got the ‘life is better here but you’ll have to have my approval and right now you don’t qualify, not YET’. And the ‘only under the right conditions’ clause. ugh and I fell for it. Even my thinking and writing has been influenced by this ‘according to him’ default. I’ve slowly become aware of this but your posts have spotlighted that so brightly for me. Thank you soooo much.

April – lol, if I went down the list of ‘don’t wants’, it would pretty much boil down to, “I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”
I don’t want to be in his old junky house, I don’t want to hang out at his place with his housemates, I don’t want to be around the other people he is closest to, I don’t want the smelly of dusty must in my nostrils, I don’t want long, difficult conversations that go nowhere. I don’t want my relationships to take me away from what is important to me, my FAMILY.

They are almost like strangers to me now, when before T, I I don’t want pretty much a huge bulk of the package of T.

There are things I *do* want…

and it has ocurred to me that, considering things have gotten really smooth and close recently,
we might have both hit our upper limit
it is possible we are on the cusp of something…
which is why I’m ranting and venting here and not taking it to him.

I need do nothing. The old way, was to DO something.
Well, I’m riffing on the board, and I’ll do EFT in a few minutes, which maybe counts as “doing”…but I’m noticing….
the feeling of wanting to control
I don’t want him telling stories about me the way he did his exes, with that sort of pity…”Oh, K moved to the suburbs and got married, she went to the dark side. L left me for G, and all G wants is someone to grow old and get fat with …can you believe that?” with an incredulous look…
and this is all stuff from the past coming up
so
I’ll “do” my work, and tap on it..notice it, bless it…thank the thoughts and images coming up for release…

and maybe this is all fear of engulfment, I don’t know, I don’t know
and that’s okay

And April Rose, I think you are right about that…
Like, I just decided in advance I wasn’t going to have sex with him, and didn’t say…
I don’t want to be around the yuck, I don’t want to be anywhere near cigarette smoke, I don’t want to sleep in that funkya$$ bed not one more time.

And, I don’t want to call him and tell him all that. It feels like…trying to damage control. I do, I DO trust, that our connection is true, I do trust he will call me next week once he’s back from the festival, I DO trust this friendship, that we will navigate through this and co-create some kind of resolution.
I DO actually trust that…under all of the spinning and flip-flopping and struggling,
I DO trust, we will work it out one way or another.
I DO trust, he is processing in his own way (which, dammit, isn’t anything like MY way but I can’t control that, either…)

I feel like I just want to cry, to cry and release this tension.

I want to find a professional to talk to, to sort this out.

Mostly I feel like I want to let go and cry…which might have been the feeling under all of this struggle to begin with, lol.

and…I could say all of that all day long, but according to him…he had already said we are on the same page and he doesn’t really want to have sex, either, he wants to allow things with A to “unfold” and I swear I want to vomit I’ve heard him say “unfold” so many effing times…

Maybe just all of this is feeling so out of control because I don’t know my place in his life anymore if I’m not his primary interest, I don’t know where I stand

haha
jackpot
the uncertainty
tears are just rolling down my face now..
gonna sink into that

deep trigger here…
last week I was so awesome and his feelings so strong about me that he told A who I am to him and how he felt about me within a few hours of meeting her…
and now he says, he doesn’t want to have sex with me because he doesn’t want anything to interfere with what’s “unfolding” (BARF) with her –
so last week I’m all that and he doesn’t want anything that will interfere with his relationship with me
and this week it has flip-flopped
now suddenly I’m a ‘distraction’
I’m ‘interference’
I don’t understand it
this is what I’m tapping on, it’s touching a deep sorrow and confusion
reminds me of
the fall from my parent’s grace
one day I’m a gift from God that they prayed for
next thing I know,
I’m the freaking d3vil and the cause of all of their problems (including my father’s abuse)

ooohh….yummmm
that felt so good
I closed the door
sat in my office through break, did EFT while I sobbed like a little girl.
Sank into the feelings of confusion
I don’t understand life’s inconsistencies, incongruencies, it’s contradictions, it’s sudden losses
tapping into the
pure pure feelings
“I don’t understand. I don’t get it.”
over and over

It feels SO good to be consciously in touch with that part of myself – to BE that little girl, not just “have” an inner little one, but to BE her and grow up her this way…
brings tears of joy and cryinglaughter bubbling up from my heart.

I too can see both sides and can validate his feelings, which I did. I also know that I can make a choice to attend or not. I have not been invited to things my married daughter has hosted or chosen not to attend in the past.

Reality is I do not have control over either of my daughters feelings or willingness to accept anyone new in my life. Which in the past they have been closed to it. For a while they did not even interact with even me… “I shattered their ideal family by not being with their dad anymore”… so it has been a bumpy road to a revised renewed relationship with both of them period. It has NOT been rough and hard on me especially.

Just within the last 6 months have they become open to a “new normal”. FavoriteCD knows of the difficulty and journey I have been on with my kids after divorce.

Actually the daughter that just wanted to eat with immediate family (me, her dad, sister, brother in law, my grandson and one of her grandmothers) has been pretty open to FavoriteCD and admitted that she really likes him. They are both Basketball fans of the same college team and text during games. She has been to his place with me eaten dinner, hung out at the pool one. She has even done his daughters hair for a special event recently.

Nina – I’m so thrilled that these Tools have worked for you in an emotional way! Now – I don’t know what exactly is going on here with you and him, but from what you SAY – it sounds like you’re chasing him. You’re texting him, even though he’s “disappearing.” Circular Dating is what you need to do – and let him make all the moves here. I don’t hear that he’s made an actual date with you and taken you out someplace, even for a walk. Let him do that part. Love, Rori

***** I feel really proud for enforcing my boundry. I feel really good about my communication my issues
My speech was not blamey..it was full of feeling messages…it was concise and un negotiable. “I simply was not willing to accept being treated as he was choosing to treat me” I told him I had begun to feel afraid of telling him things because I did not know what would trigger him … and that I fear felt really bad and was also something I did not want in my relationship” I ended with…” this is not about any issues or current circumstances (he knew what I meant), my decision to walk away from this is based solely on how you have chosen to treat me …you dont have to change, your feelings and choices are yours… I simply will and cannot do this anymore” . BAM there I did not explode or stuff.. I faced my giant spoke my truth without expectations..it was what is was. I and walked away.

He back peddled.. appologized.. told me he knew he was being very difficult. Asked me to reconsider… that he loved me and did not want to loose me. He said he sees himself married to me and in his future. Hes dated alot of women.. he knows whats out there and he has found what he has been looking for all his life….. Asked me to start again…*****

This feels lovely to read! There you go, owning your own fear works at getting closer to what you want. It works. 😉

When I project on the man my fear and I chose to hide my true feelings, I get stuck in an immature relationship, feeling like a scared little girl.
When I own my fear and let him own his reactions, I find the brave girl in me who shares my true feelings and states my boundary, I become an inspiring woman for a man to follow and grow up with.
Now we both can negotiate as adults the agreements need to be made in order to build a mature loving relationship. Now we know confusion does not have to be a deal breaker. Confusion is a chance to get back on my own bridge, in my own body, out of his mind, and to get clear on what I want and how it feels.

Clarity will inspire the right man for me.
Whoever is my captain, favouriteCD or another man, he will sail towards the light of my clarity and he will crash his boat at the feet of my light house.

***** FavoriteCD again blew up at me last Friday because my daughter (age 24) wanted to have a birthday dinner that only included immediate family. He said if my adult children continued to exclude him it was a deal breaker for him. He spewed and ranted thru text..that ranged from me being immature for taking a large box of potato mix out of the his pantry and a blanket off the bed that I had brought from home.. to me not appearing to listen to him … to that he was not a priority in my life honestly !! *****

***** He is talking about the benefits of moving in together now!!! Yes there are monitary advantages but I made a promise that I would not EVER live with anyone again without marriage. I have to live true to my core and my values. *****

” I can see from your perspective and yet I feel safer connected to my family’s perspective. They save the space for my future husband.
My family feels good that we have our private life before we know for sure we want to be married, and as such they expect us to keep it private, ie out of their official celebrations. My daughter feels uncomfortable to give the patriarchal chair to a man who she knows sleeps with her mother with no official string attached. It feels disrespectful to the family and quite uncomfortable and destabilising. They would not know if to get attached to him or to expect him to leave space for the next one.
I feel protective of my family emotional stability and I do not feel safe imposing in our family celebrations a man who is not my husband nor my fiancé.
I feel we all need time to adjust to each others and to get clear on our intentions.”

Now I’m feeling furious…I’m feeling rage
feels like…you know in movies where the big wild bobcat lies in wait for it’s prey, then leaps out with that high-pitched screeching roar?
I feel like that.
He told me he wasn’t going to pander my insecurities.
I feel furious.
If I’m so important to him one minute and the next I’m someone he isn’t going to ever let in because I am an abandoner and that would be insane and he’s already prioritized this other relationship over ours…

well h3ll yeah I’m going to feel insecure.
Of COURSE I would feel insecure.
I feel attache to him and THAT is what’s seething under the surface?
OF COURSE I would feel insecure.
NATURALLY I would feel insecure.
I feel like vomiting again, I feel nauseous.
I don’t want anyone to crazymake me.
I don’t want my feelings of insecurity to be shamed and made wrong.

Geez I’m going to probably spend my whole lunch hour tapping on all of the stuff that came up.

*sigh*

I feel good to be back on my side, even if it I am being a little bit abrasive and rude.

Thank you thank you thank you, Mercedes…for being so inspiring and fierce. I had forgotten how to stand up for myself. And I feel mad as hell, for the moment.
I’ve been stuffing all of this anger for a while.

Seriously, I dreamed a few weeks ago that I had ripped my spine out of my body, to avoid the overwhelm of the changes I needed to make.

I feel so grateful for my bold and brassy friend A, who I spent the weekend with just feeling relaxed and bawdy and uncouth, lol.

thank you thank you thank you all of it all of it thank you
yes yes happy yes
😀

I clearly know how FavoriteCD feels. It felt over the top and harsh…demanding etc. His feelings are his. My situation is not ideal but he does not bring an ideal one to me either.

He has gotten mad at me for attending a friend, card party without him that he was invited to with me and chose not to attend because he felt tired. Then because I went and did not cancel he became livid at me.

This felt the same. It feels controlling and co-dependant and smothery.

We have talked about all of this. I told him that I could only offer him me and could not guarantee that everything would fall into place as he wanted. He said…”I dont want to loose you”

Syreena, I am not seeing anyone else at this time and he considers us a couple. Emotionally this week he has begun to be more available and communicative, which is helping me feel more connected.

FW… I am gonna look for my drama queen see what she has to tell me. Good word!

Linda, I really relate to your situation with your daughters. I have a similar issue, and I will never force my children into doing things they don’t want to do in regards to my relationship post divorce. My partner (thankfully) understands this and accepts it. We’ve done things together but I always respect their wishes in terms of the level of interaction and won’t force it on them. Like Favorite CD, my partner has younger kids and I really think this makes a difference. The longer you were a ‘family’ unit, the kids being adults etc. makes it much more complicated. We can’t just drag adult kids along to participate if they don’t want to.

My hope is, with time, they’ll come around, and be more comfortable- but until then, I won’t force them into any situation they don’t want to be in. I think Favorite CD needs to understand the history there and support you, or it will end up being an issue over and over, there will be resentment etc.

True you have no control over if you daughter fully
accepts and is fully inclusive of favcd.
What you do have control over is what you want and how to inspire her to accept him if that is what you want.

Does your fav cd know he is a cd?

What feels confusing to me is that he expects to be included if he knows he is a cd and that is the agreement he has accepted.

That feels odd.
It wouldn’t feel odd if your boyfriend or partner or fiance expected that.

What stood out for me is he said it was a dealbreaker if this continued to happen.
Or does he mean if you choose to go without him?

I can see this would be a difficult situation for any family with children.

Understandable a child would want both her parents at her Birthday even if they had split up or divorced.
Also understandable that one or other parent may not be want to attend an event if the ex partner was going to be there.

How does this all work?
Would love to hear if this has happened to others and how it has all worked amicably.

Linda I know of a 20 something girl who was asked by her father to please welcome his new wife into the family. Her reaction was “he is crazy if he thinks I will ever accept her”.

He told me a few weeks ago that when he was taking care of some education related financing for her and another daughter the wife made a comment about how devoted he seems to be to these “two” and focussed on taking care of them no matter what. He told me he told the wife that she had better not have anything to say because they were there before she came along. Kinda like warning her that she had better watch it.

My point is everyone has boundaries. Men I believe will almost always put their kids before the women in their lives. I have more stories I could share but my point is I doubt you could put him up to choose between him and his daughter so I would encourage you not to allow him to make you choose between you and yours. All you can do is respect his feelings around it and listen to him if he wishes to speak. Maybe make some kind of commitment about how long you would spend away from him to attend to their events but you cannot force him on her or her on him

RE 624 – Linda he might be feeling insignificant because your ex will be there. Maybe he doesn’t know how to express what he needs from you not to feel that way. I am pretty sure he would not want to impose himself into a situation where he does not feel wanted or accepted.

I wonder if texting would help while you are at the event?

The thing I don’t like is that he seems to be throwing temper tantrums when he doesn’t have his way and you don’t want to be reinforcing such behavior as it could possibly get worse as time goes along.

BeLoved isn’t he behaving the way a woman would expect a guy to behave when he is getting serious about her? I know it might have helped you to feel special and powerful when he told you that he had a conversation with her about who you are and the special place you have in his heart. Yet he is also telling you that he is building a connection that as a man he wants to protect and win at. Isn’t that just naturally masculine? Can you respect that relationship?

Hi sirens! Pool and deck are done and I’m loving sitting out back. Just starting to plant grass, but it’s all coming together and life is starting to get back to normal. Mr. Conversation has been popping up more and I’ve heard from a few guys online that found interesting… But the last guy I talked to sounded pretty great and then it came up that at 45 he has already been divorced 4 times. Seems like a huge red flag, so not planning to meet him. if like to circular date more…. Will see how it goes.

Linda, thanks for asking. A couple posts ago I posted the “speech” that I gave this guy when I realized I had been letting him stay in my life in spite of not supporting my purpose in any substantial way. Basically, I gave him two choices – become a client/customer, or not have a relationship with me.

It was another lesson for me in requiring men to show through their actions/investment that their interest is grounded and sincere rather than taking anything they say at face value. He had been big talking about his business experience for 9 months yet hadn’t made a single affiliate sale.

Here, the issue was there were lots of mutual friends and mutual interests that seemed to put him on the same page with me. He also came across pretty well on social media. Later looking at it more closely, though, I realized that all he ever did was agree with people and re-post stuff. Almost never an original thought of his own. Which goes right along with the passivity. None of it matches with his view of himself as this powerful businessman, etc. Frankly, it was a very strange situation, different from anything I’ve encountered before … so I forgive myself for not knowing how to respond to it immediately. I feel good that I did not have sex with him and have now drawn very clear boundaries.

My thing about “nice guys” is – and I do get the point that we may be responding to the “wrong” triggers with men – I’m just putting it out there that I believe many of us have a revulsion response to “nice guys” for very good reasons. There are very well-respected books like “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and “Don’t Be Nice, Be Real” that get into the deeper reasons why this is. For me, overriding that revulsion response is overriding my inner knowing. And in the past ending up in relationships that I would not be able to stomach long term.

I’m all for being open to new ways and questioning our judgments. In general, though, “nice guys” have a LOT of work to do before they can be suitable partners. And I personally am waiting for a “whole” man instead. A man who is fully present with good boundaries and has done his work.

Apart from the patriachial chair, I feel uneasy about pariachism. I can’t put my finger on it at the moment. Just an alarm bell in the distance I can hear regading that word and the culture and meaning behind it.

I hear you Syreena. I know him and I know that he is a great man. Hands down. No argument. The kind of man who hangs in there even during the darkest of days. I have seen him in tears because of grief that his first wife put him through.

I may love a man deeply, and adore him, put him as a priority in my life. But they know up front my girls are more important to me than anything else. “M” knew that and accepted that and said “I wouldn’t have it any other way, that is the way it is suppose to be”.

I wouldn’t be with a man if his kids weren’t more important than me… simple. I wouldn’t respect him. Just in my own life anyways… everyone is different…

It’s really a balance thing… in my experience, and can be very challenging at times.
OXOX

Also they are married. Got married 3 months after the divorce came through. I can only assume that she knows what she needs to feel happy and whether she feels that way in her marriage. For all I know it might be the only issue they disagree on.

Me too Lisa. I know I can’t respect a man who does not prioritize his kids. One guy who came back into my life some years ago spoke of his ex and how she told their son that his dad was dead. He stayed away from the kid because he knew that and she told him to stay away from the boy. I encouraged him to ignore her, the marriage was over and the kid could be dying inside. I encouraged him to forget about his daughters obvious rejection of him and try to reconnect. He did used words of affirmation and quality time to reconnect and rebuild with his daughter. He was in consistent contact with her because he had to finance her college education. He spoke to her about the son and his longing to see him.

One day he was shocked to see them both standing outside his business place. When the boy saw him he stood there speechlessly crying. His sister had only brought him but told him nothing. The dad did not know that she was doing it. The rest is history.

We were planning to get married. For the second time in our history. He did the rubberband thing again for months. Then resurfaced telling me hoiw much pain he was in and having to set aside his manhood and his beliefs about relationships. He wanted me because “I don’t think I will ever be happy until I get you”. By then I was bored.

Looking back now after I have written all this, I digress, but it feels like my purpose for being in that relationship was fulfilled after he reconnected with the kids. Still I would not have deluded myself into believing that he would have put me before the kids if we had gotten married. It is the one area I feel open to compromising in.

Different topic but powerful words “Asking a man to stop a behavior which feels bad to you is walking on shaky ground. You CAN and I would want you to tell him how it makes YOU FEEL, but to request this of him is making demands, and most people will resist a demand.”

Yesterday I practiced going soft and feeling open with every man I passed on the street. Some of them turned to look at me. It feels so good to let go, and I feel I can use the practice, because it’s easy for me to get tense and clench at life.

Today I’m going to a coffee shop and I’m going to do more of the same. And if a man talks to me, I’m going to lean back, and not talk so much, and listen way more. I want to receive. That feels more powerful to me.

And…it isn’t really too surprising…
it’s not like I couldn’t have flown in and been that woman and been there myself, I didn’t want to, not with what was currently on offer.

What is running through my mind, though, is the way he told me he would have to be insane to ever let me in “again” (he says again but I’m not really sure when the first time was because he’s never mentioned this before). And of course he waited until my heart was open and vulnerable before accusing me of all of the things he accused me of.

I’m inclined to believe him – who the h3ll wants to be even friends with someone who believes he would have to be insane to be close with me again?

I don’t want to ever give him the chance to pull that crazymaking stuff on me again. I never never want to give him the chance to reel me in and then make blamey accusations at me, claiming that I’m doing it to him.

So…
I don’t know.
I don’t know if I even want to talk to him again.
I’m kind of feeling like Erika – I don’t want his gratitude, I want something tangible.

After eleven freaking years, I don’t want to be treated like I’m some kind of threat, especially not just days after I’ve been told how valuable I am to him.

I’m feeling grief…I felt really triggered by the comment that he is getting serious about her.
Maybe I didn’t realize that’s what he was doing.

So, I’m feeling waves of grief and sadness and shame and hatred and also feeling open to possibilities.

We’ve both been calling in a life partner – so – maybe he’s found his and with all of these illusions dying maybe it’s opening up space for one for me, too.

More effective than asking someone to stop a behavior is setting up everything so there are consequences of continuing the behavior.

Like with my clients. Usually I give one “freebie” if they miss a session, I will reschedule it the first time. If they do it again without 48 hours notice, the session is forfeited. And I am tough about it. Some clients do forfeit sessions, and then generally they are never late or “no shows” after that.

This recent guy does not have to become a client or customer. If he doesn’t, though, he’s not going to have a relationship with me. He probably doesn’t like those choices very much, and that’s not what matters. What matters is, am I setting up my life so that I feel good? And am I willing to walk away from people who won’t respect my boundaries? Yes and yes. I won’t turn any man into an idol.

Men expect women to be a kind of “emotional leader” in relationships. Women often bring a deeper and richer emotional aspect to a man’s life than he has anywhere else.

Remember, HE’S THE MAN. He’s the one who wants to feel good by winning a woman over and making her feel great. And when a man sees that you feel great, then he’ll feel great, too… and EVERYTHING ELSE will almost magically get easier.

Getting Yourself In The Best “Mindset” For Love
You need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your thinking, behavior, and communication that make you see more of his behaviors and responses that scare you and make you feel and act even more needy and scared.

Help yourself by breaking that self-defeating and destructive cycle you are reinforcing for yourself.

And to answer your question “What can I do to relax and enjoy things?”…

My favorite thing that works in my own life, and works for LOTS of women I know, is the simple act of breathing.”

Still, I feel grateful.
I didn’t know what I was declaring when I started affirming, “I don’t know how I am free of addictions, obssessions, compulsions, and toxic habits, I only know I am NOW, and I am fulfilled.”
I didn’t know what was going to happen…
I am ok.
No matter what.
I am ok.
I am a safe place for me.

Surprisingly, my co-worker D really helped cheer me up, she was saying, “Oh, just think of visiting your friends next month, they are all so excited you’re coming, and you get all lit up talking about it!”

Yes, yes…exactly – that’s exactly what I’ve been focusing on – wanting to be where I’m celebrated.
I feel good that I chose the retreat I did instead of the festival this weekend. Everything opened up so easily and magically….
The universe is conspiring for my joy

Breathing…
breathing….
I feel so excited to get out and walk all this energy off after work today.

Wild Geranium – (geranium is one of my favorite scents, by the way!!)
If you meant the om mani padme hum mantra,
that must have been especially for you because it just came to me the moment I was typing and left my mind soon after.

@Veronica – 619 – it feels good hearing you found something resonant in my process

@ all of the Sirens – thank you thank you for everyone who chimed in with reassurance a few weeks ago…I heard everyone’s imagined voices in my mind..
it’s okay
it’s okay
it’s all gonna be okay

Thanks and yeah I felt the bump on the imaginary paper as I wrote the word patriarchal. But I could not bother get to an English dictionary and rewrite the whole thing.
The heart of it is that the chair represents the respect her daughter is longing to feel for the man in her mother’s life. It has been her father sitting at her parents table and now she is slowly learning to make space for one more chair.
Adding to that, she must feel safe before she invites a man to sit on it.

The times when her daughter was feeling unsafe and resentful, were the same times when Linda was jumping into instant relationships and into living together without pre-negotiated agreements.

Today, Linda’s awareness inspires her daughter. Linda switched to respecting her own boundary and to Cdating and her daughter felt safe to step in the new man’s space and even make friend with him. The more Linda will respect her own boundary, the more her romantic choices will feel safe to her children. She is moving on great.

Same for favouriteCD. He went from feeling unimportant and fussing to showing love and attention after Linda stated her boundary. She told him she was not walking away because of one specific issue but because of how he chose to treat her when they do have to negotiate. The respect she showed for her boundary inspired him to switch from fussy to attentionate and loving.

Time will say if he switched at a deep level. But the experience shows that walking away to get back inside our boundary takes us closer to what we want.

So after doing all the work on myself yesterday… I go into therapy today… and we talk about it.. what Rori’s newsletter brought up for me… miserly men and me repeating patterns with men…

My therapist is soo wonderful…. she says, you don’t need to change a thing! Lisa! to attract love ( a man) your amazing just the way you are…

See I use Rori’s tools to be better! Make myself more lovable… she knows that…

She also said… what is it that is making you cry? I said b/c I can’t even fathom a man loving me that much ( like Rori’s husband did to get her or Mercedes’ man did to get her back) I don’t have to have a story like that… I just want that very much, but I just can’t imagine a man ever ever loving me that much that he would go to that extent to be with me… I’m balling at this point… she said to me… you just did imagine it just for a moment… keep it up… imagine it… feel it… believe it can happen for you…

All I do is cry!

I don’t look on the outside ( as the newsletter says) I’ve dated plenty of men that weren’t my type or attractive to me… it’s never been that way for me…

still it doesn’t seem reach-able to me… that a man would propose to me 3 times… work hard to get me… change to be better for me… b/c I’m worth it ( in his eyes)… I am worth it!… I just don’t feel a man is ever going to see it, notice it, feel it…

Beloved,
Yes, that mantra That is amazing….perfectly amazing! <3
Always love your process….you will be just fine

Chiming in on 2 points:

1) Erika, I've been fascinated with your writings/process. At first, I couldn't understand where you were coming from, but I felt drawn to what you were saying nonetheless. The more you write, the more I "get" what you are saying. Its funny, it almost feels subversive to say I'm not going to be involved with anyone who does not support my life purpose and vise/versa. But, I totally get that I'd rather have everything above board and on the table and crystal clear than to navigate for weeks and months (sometimes years) through unspoken "agreements" which are usually created in my or someone else's mind without the consent of the other. Right? I'm not going to contort myself to fit into someone else's expectations or vision any more.

2) Linda, I've been the "step-mom" in 2 different blended families. Luckily, I was aware going in what a huge pitfall being in the role is. SO many relationships fail because that dynamic fails. What Favorite CD has to realize, as I did, is that he will always be secondary to your kids. And, anything he does–emotional fits, controlling, etc. etc.–is just going to put a huge wedge between you and he. The best thing he can do is not take anything personally, and just step back and allow you and your kids to have the relationship you need to have. ITS NOT ABOUT HIM! lol….it doesn't sound like he really gets it. Its just the way it is, and the better he handles it early on (ie–supporting you 100% in your relationship with your kids, regardless of whether he has a relationship with them or not) the more likely it is that your kids will ultimately feel O.K. about interacting with him and having a relationship with you two as a couple. Does that make sense? Divorce is hard enough on the people involved, and it doesn't need to be made harder by bringing new partners into the mix who don't recognize and respect the delicacy of the relationship between kids and their divorced parents. Everything I've read about this man indicates that he is a supreme emotional manipulator. He may not be aware that he is doing it. But, whether he is aware or not, until he does some major inner work on himself it will just be a repeating cycle of bad behavior.

When I read what you wrote, what jumps out at me is that you need something dramatic. Does it have to be dramatic? You said you can’t imagine a man proposing to you 3 times, or fighting to get you, or changing to be with you….why do you need that?

I had a man “fight” to be with me and, sure, it felt pretty intoxicating…but, it turned out it was just pride. His pride. That was devastating! I will mistrust the fight now.

You are so lucky Lisa. You are single, and wonderful. You’ve done a ton of work on yourself. You can start from scratch and you don’t need to make a love story that involves a lot of drama or work! You are in the best possible situation to be found by the right person! You don’t need to do anything! Stop thinking about the perfect relationship. Start thinking about and loving your siren-y self. Just “be”. And, whatever is meant to come into your life will happen when you stop wanting it so badly.

Virginia – NO! Those are the Monthly Inverviews, and the first month is free. If you don’t want to fool around with thinking about that or even cancelling them later (they’re fantastic, but I really just want you to start with the ebook when you’re getting started) – then please leave the box for the interviews UNCHECKED!!! Love, Rori

Oh no! That is why I said I don’t need a story like that… I just can’t image someone loving me that much… it isn’t about dramatic… at all!!!… I’m just saying that ( I guess you could call what they experienced dramatic, that isn’t what I would call it)… it’s about the extent of the love not the drama involved… I hope that made sense…

actually it’s the opposite… of drama… just simply to love me deeply… that’s all… enough to be that dedicated!

I’ve had enough drama in my life to last a life time, I totally walk away from it now…

besides I couldn’t turn a guy down 3 times who I loved, I’d feel too awful… that isn’t me…

“1) Erika, I’ve been fascinated with your writings/process. At first, I couldn’t understand where you were coming from, but I felt drawn to what you were saying nonetheless. The more you write, the more I “get” what you are saying. Its funny, it almost feels subversive to say I’m not going to be involved with anyone who does not support my life purpose and vise/versa. But, I totally get that I’d rather have everything above board and on the table and crystal clear than to navigate for weeks and months (sometimes years) through unspoken ‘agreements’ which are usually created in my or someone else’s mind without the consent of the other. Right? I’m not going to contort myself to fit into someone else’s expectations or vision any more.”

WG, wow thank you – I feel very heard. Yes, exactly.

And as for subversive, let’s really think about what it means when a man won’t do this.

I live my purpose 24/7. I meditate while I sleep. I practice yin yoga and gentle yoga and receive regular bodywork. I tap pretty much every single day. A recording studio is permanently set up in my living room to capture the videos whenever I feel inspired. Everything I think, feel, or breathe is focused on my purpose. Even my cat stars in the videos and became the HBR “miracle cat.” Everything “personal” in my has been removed so that I can live, breathe, and sleep my purpose. This is what I am passionate about … this is everything to me. This is all I talk about …

Enter recent guy who wants to “sew me up.” Yeah he comments on my blogs and my Facebook, and he buys one product at a discount. After that, he sits around while I release 30-day challenge after 30-day challenge and have customers who buy every single one and LOVE it. My customers all “get” me. But he doesn’t bother to learn any of that. He just “agrees” with my conclusions as stated on the blog, never really delves into the video programs, takes the free stuff, and brags about his business experience, implying that he’s going to help me with the business. Never takes any action toward that. Never makes an affiliate sale. “Poo-poos” my friend’s affiliate marketing class as “beginner” stuff even though he has exactly zero high-ranking web pages. And his ideas for this business are stuff I tried and rejected five years ago. Absolutely he doesn’t “get” it at all.

Then he claims to “love” me and want a life partnership with me. And after all, “what took me so long?” Yet let’s look at the facts objectively. Does a man who “loves” me, who knows that this business and my purpose are EVERYTHING to me, sit around for months of mostly talk and never learn the method nor contribute financially? No. That’s not love.

And yes you are exactly right. WHY would I vaguely navigate my way through months or possibly years of indirect conversations and invest a whole bunch of time and energy that I’m probably going to regret later … when I can simply create clear standards for what I will and will not accept in a man, and eliminate all men who don’t meet those standards without even investing in one single date? My time and my energy and my abilities to help people transform their lives are too precious for me to do that.

This guy didn’t “love” me. He created a fantasy image in his own mind of himself and me that had nothing to do with reality. And all too often that kind of fantasy is what passes for “relationships” in this world. I want no part of it. That’s why although I am very much in a “do nothing” space and in some ways very much practicing the communication skills with feeling messages … I will not sit around and wait for a guy to take me on a bunch of dates or “get around” to bringing stuff up in conversation. If he wants my time and attention, any of it, he must be contributing. There are other people in my life who value my time and attention so much that I am not willing to settle for less on this.

Not sure that makes any sense at all. I’m writing here in part to gain more clarity about ideas I’ve been thinking about and beginning to practice for quite a while. It feels really good to have clarity. For me, there is so much peace in the clarity.

I don’t expect anyone to love me more than I’m capable of loving myself. So, I’m focusing on loving me right now. We can never really know how much another person loves us anyway. We can never be in their hearts and feel it how it feels to them. I believe we create our own reality. Our idea of how someone else feels about us, good or bad, is just that–its in our own heads. The thoughts in our heads are keeping us from feeling the *actual* love that is coming towards us.

I also believe that truly deep love between two people takes a looooong time to develop. I believe that quote about falling in love multiple times with the same person. There is the love you have when you are first together, when you decide to get serious, when you get married, when you’ve been through difficult times, when you’ve been together a long time.

I don’t expect anyone to love me more than I love myself… That’s hopeless… no one will … I know that isn’t possible for anyone to love me, more than I love myself… ( and yes that is debatable)

of course we can never know how much someone loves us… and yet we can… we know in our hearts, our voice ( that Rori was referring to in the newsletter) we know!

It’s about deeply loving in a way that isn’t focused on the outward, the youth, the fantasy, or quickly fades into something and then leaves… It’s about the taking the time to grow and moving past the tough and the hard, working through and gliding through at times, the boring and the fun… and continuing on to the next level… it’s about staying even on the days you might not want to… and soaking up the good when it is there…

It’s all of that… it isn’t shallow.. and whether or not Rori has that NO one can know but her and her husband….. it’s all projection… we can’t every really know what someone else has…

what it is for me was an example…. was my heart speaking up today saying what it deeply wants and desires… and I’m listening… that is what it was me describing the best I could what it felt like…

It’s isn’t that I don’t love myself… it isn’t that I “HAVE to HAVE it”…. ( obviously I don’t have to have it, I’m still here and I don’t ) it’s the desire for it… that my post was trying to describe… so I can imagine myself having it….

and though it takes years, it has to start…
and it has to start with a man that doesn’t give up…. like both those men didn’t.

they knew what the wanted and didn’t stop … didn’t give up… the deeply loving part hadn’t happened yet.. but somehow they knew…

I notice a temptation to “apologize” for my anger, even though it’s not directed at anyone. I notice a temptation to minimize it or try to shift to something “more positive and palatable” … I feel curious and amused about this … like it’s still NOT okay to be all of me.

I’m choosing instead to be with this anger, as it seems I’ve been ignoring its messages my whole life. Maybe my deeper self has really good reasons why I don’t want to be in a relationship as I’ve seen it defined so far … maybe my anger is helping me open to something new …

Erika, I so identify with what you say. Ron Blair, my coach, calls this a “Spiritual Bypass” – sort of “I’m too evolved to be angry….” For me, it’s all about love – and that means loving EVERYTHING. For me, everything is information, data, energy. Love, Rori

Thank you Rori. Thank you. I really appreciate hearing that right now. The anger is burning strong in my heart, and under it is big grief. I went and received a massage which helped move some of the energy and get under the anger to the grief. I’m going to be with it until it has said everything it has to say. My intuition says to tap about receiving today … I feel shut down around receiving since this last guy. I’ll go deep in it and see …

I must say the stories and advice are all very interesting and I very appreciate all who have contributed. I must revisit this blog again and re-read to better understand.

However, being new here, I am rather shocked to hear advice such as, the “No Girlfriend Speech” the “do not be Exclusive” and the “start Circular Dating”.

Perhaps I expect more, perhaps I am in deeper than I know.

But the whole thing about meeting someone and sharing time together is to eventually elevate things it to a point where both partners wish to be with each other. I mean, you don’t want to be misleading nor do I think you want to wait him either to make all the decisions. There should be a point where you naturally know when you should be exclusive. AND YOU BETTER make it clear and by communicating where your feelings are. And not fear rejection. IF he doesn’t feel the same then too bad. Move on. Maybe harsh but there should be no games here. If you are not in the exclusive mode, why should he. There needs to be a equilibrium, a balance, a 50 50 equality here. You don’t want him to feel trapped or fooled by such games. Relationships are serious.

If he is being exclusive and always making time for you. If he goes out of his way to help you – if he is the one always being romantic and willing to work out any issues… but you are not. If all you can do is drag in your past and worries about what could happen; then no wonder he is fading fast. If you don’t say yes – or express your feelings then there is no real honest communication. If you repeal and play these games of attraction. Then I am afraid you are waisting your time. But worse, you be waisting his and once he finds out this, once he figures that out… you lost him.

Learning happens. It starts from the day you met him. If its all honest and real and at a good pace – if you talk about the future – if you feel happy – if both can work and learn then the romance continues. IF you have gotten to the honeymoon stage and its down hill from there, don’t trap him. Communicate as soon as possible. And be prepared to listen also.

A man asks a woman to visit him; in the meantime he also asks another woman to visit him. What if we both said yes? One just didn’t respond quick enough, because the other woman went. Then the first woman learned that his father was flying in and they could have flown together, yet the man said nothing. What shall a woman make of this. (Yes, all three live in different states. Except father and 1st woman live in same state.)

I have been traveling, doing research for my upcoming book on real LOCAL food in the USA. That means being away much more than usual. But it seems to be having a good effect on my relationship. I spent most of last week in Seattle, but flew in on Saturday to go to a couple of parties with HS. Then, in 11 days we are going to Denver to stay with his old friends for a week. He always went by himself before. This is the first time we fly anywhere together…
When I am in town I am very warm-when I am gone I am too into the work to be distracted.

Myra – The first question I have is why are you flying to visit this man? Love, [FUNNY, THOUGHT YOU WERE ANSWERING THE QUESTION FOR ME. BECAUSE HE SAID HE MISSED ME. We know each other since HS days. Work for him seasonally for about 10 years-so he has me trained very well :)-, we are compatible, travel well together, folks smile when they see us together, call me his wife, he has introduced me as his wife. I do have a live-in boyfriend, who is a major contributor to household expenses-couldn’t do it without him-& yes, he’s “sexy” too, yet no desire to marry him. However, the first one to fly to is more my ‘style.’ Even my boyfriend thinks I should marry him or what I term ‘My favorite Pain in the Ass” or PITA.

By the way favorite PITA told me on the fourth he missed me, I speak to him via text everyday, now on the 13th haven’t spoken to him since the seventh. 6 days 4 us is a long time. He asked me last day of previous month if I wanted to visit and hasn’t said anything since. Oh yes, he’s not the committal type. I know abt the other via facebook. To answer some of your bewilderments.

Thank you, in advance, for your advice because I’m becoming more ‘besides my self.’ I know I am an enabler and give them what they want, know I’ll always be there for them, caws I can’t help myself yet to be present. Yep, my confidence level is low caws I rutted myself; although I was not one born with an abundant amount of confidence in the first place. & yes, that’s why I know I ain’t married either, cause they’ve got the advantage. So my heart is sad caws I made very bad, impatient moves, yet how much patience can a woman have!?! Times aren’t the same. & I think guys don’t have the same name-calling situation (slut, whore, gold-digger) so they don’t understand the necessity of marriage. Sincerely, Myra
[Rori]

Maybe there was something about him that just lured you in, and you didn’t know why.
He may not have been all that handsome, or all that charming or even all that “smooth.” Maybe
none of the “usual” characteristics that would attract you were there, but you couldn’t help
yourself. ….
Glad to be back i just come back in town and check the news letter. Hope i can re read and understand itbhow i need. Thank you very much to Rori..
Hello all the beautifu ok sirens.
XOXO

I’m wondering if any of you ladies can offer me help. I’m new to the Rori program and have just started trying the methods.

I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for 10 years (he’s wanted to marry, it’s me who’s put things off as I’ve not felt comfortable). I love him, but things have never been “right”. He’s hard to talk to “I’m always on the defense, and I don’t tell him things because of it”, if he’s mad at me he controls me with sex and communication “ignoring me”, he makes me feel like I should choose his ways of doing things. He sometimes “triggers me” by doing things he knows will set me off into an argument and he can be very rude. I usually try and let all of this slide because once in a while, I get to see the person that I fell in love with come out. He’s funny and kind, and he’s not around much anymore, replaced by this vile person. I’m afraid to leave. I’ve done it before and I’ve longed for him (I think it’s because I’m so used to a routine). Everything in our relationship is a routine… even down to the time with have sex and what we can and connot do beforehand. Everyone is more important (it seems), if we are on the phone, he puts me on hold constantly… he cares more about the appearance of caring for other people, but if my family is sick, he never bothers asking. I need to either make or put my big girl pants on and break. Can anyone give advise on using some Rori tools to help put me at peace and stop trying to make peace with this person, but rather make things good for me?

Also, he can have friends who are girls, but I cannot have friends who are guys… odd. It’s almost as if he enjoys the control. He can answer other peoples calls and texts, but with me, he says he’s very busy and I need to get over myself.

Rori, I’ve just listened to it. I will again as well. I can do this, but it’s scary. I know I have the strength, but I feel not to get pulled down by his words and triggering emotions… thats the tricky part. I will try these tools. I cannot control what he does, but I can control what I do and how I choose to think. Thank you. Your programs (I’ve watched/listened to 3 now)are thought provoking and useful. One last question… when I say how I’ve been made to feel and I don’t get a favorable reply back… can I just say, I feel like I don’t want to discuss this or I feel like I don’t want to continue this conversation? Again, thank you for your support. I’m getting to know me again I think and I like it. Lynn

Lynn – No one can make you feel anything, yet sometimes if it’s bad feeling enough, you will feel compelled to say something.

A good thing to do first is bring things back to, i.e are you projecting anything onto him, or is he mirroring something in you back to you? Or maybe you had an off day or a passing negative thought or you just don’t feel well, and things got misinterpreted, or you were more sensitive than usual.

If you feel sure that none of this applies, and it really bothers you, then yes speak up. Your choice of messages though are not true feeling messages.

Also just because you’re not hearing what you want to hear doesn’t mean there’s something not right about what he said. He could be speaking in boy language which can look very different from how we as women speak. He could very well be apologizing, and you missed it because you were stuck on hearing what you thought you wanted to hear.

All that said – you can say if it’s really necessary that you feel unheard, that this feels bad, and you don’t want to feel this way with him.

You are so right to advise her that he cannot be ordered to like her. Men pull away when they feel pressure so the trick is to get him to like you enough without having to apply any pressure. It is a tough balance but can be done.

After 5 years in a relationship
Which was loving loyal and committed.
The last year he became quite distant

Learning all that I have thus far from all of roris program
I can c,early see how lack of communication or poor communication on both ends, ended us splitting up

It wasn’t a nasty or hateful breakup
We both express very deep loving warm feelings for one another
And have this sadness that perhaps we are apart for reasons we don’t understand
We just know it wasn’t feeling “good”
Hence the break up
But as I’ve learned some of these techniques
And when we do write and talk on the phone for brief periods about how much we miss each other and love each other
But feel this misunderstanding of Why it just wasnt feeling good
I know now for me , and I’m sure for him
We both may have had some likes or dislikes and never expressed them
So it built up silent resentment and feelings of rent ent that cause us both to drift away

So after a mon
And still feeling connected and now learning how to speak without making him withdrawal and instead be open honest and speak with feelings
He recently said something and I don’t know how to respond
Can you help?
This was in reference to us “trying again”
“I’m happy we spoke. I don’t want you to hurt inside . I know it’s easier said than done. I just don’t want you to hurt. I love you so very much”

I responded (as it was a text and I didn’t want to go on and on” )
“I know you never intended to. I love you”

And prior to that text we ended the conversation as “leaving the door open for more conversation and possibility of trying again”
Though currently we are officially “broken up” and open I guess to the possibility of moving on and not officially “together and working on it”
Though its all logistics .. exclusivity is currently off the table.

And then he sent me that text

How do I respond to that
Currently we haven’t spoke for 2 days since then
I know to lean back and just do my thing
But in the event he does call again, and I know he will

How do I address such a fearful statement that was coming from a loving place?

Sometime after that text ( “I know you never intended to. I love you”, he wrote
“Good Night my Love ”
I Love You so much ”

The following morning I wrote,
“I’m feeling curious, why do you feel so strongly that you’d cause me so much pain? I love you too my love”

I didnt hear right back, and I went about my day.
Staying in the moment and going about my day at the beach and had men just all over the place, approaching and staring and talking..

But when I went home that night I felt
and overwhelming urge to cry, I dropped to my knees and cried for what seemed minutes. SHuddering and sobbing, I couldnt even breathe.

But I was crying for ME, not for My yearning for him..
I went to sleep early and what happened was amazing….I was awaken with such
a clarity !.. almost like an revelation..

That “My thoughts are just that.. thoughts. They are perceptions of the past that have already occurred, and are finished and cannot be changed. And keeping them alive in my mind.. is not allowing me to be in the present moment. They are what is clouding and blocking my ability to be a warm, open and receptive invitation of love.. for HIM or ANYONE Else. ”
After that experience, I felt Light and Happy . And so so exhilarated.
And I felt this silly and jovial voice saying “The relationship I was in has ENDED and to try and keep it alive with actions and thoughts will just prolong this unnecessary pain. In order for myself to move forward and date ANY One or be open to receive true love, I must approach it with this new vibe and attitude ”

I felt ELATED, so so Happy, I smiled myself to back to sleep..

I awoke at 2:30 am that evening, and saw I had a message..
He wrote
“Please know that I love you very much
There is not a minute in the day that I dont think about you every day of my life.
goodnight my love. I love you so much.”

And I later wrote back to him , that “I feel so excited , I have something to share with you. the most amazing thing happened to me!”
and I shared with him a very short message of what I experienced.
and then I felt a bit silly , thinking he’d think I went Crazy!

But I got over that thought by saying to myself “I am a siren, I can do whatever I want!” LOL

So I am being open, and STAYING in the moment . Leaning back.. drifting in my sea..
Its so exciting to feel this new transformation thats happening to me,

Whether he reaps the benefits or the next person , It will all be ok.

Though he has been doing this communication via text..

(He hasnt asked to see me yet, he hasnt called on the phone.)
I haven’t asked him why or to do so ..

I have had my Nasty Voice – My Stanger Helga … Call up to me, telling me I’m leaving my self too open and vulnerable and being filled with hope. That he is just being too kind and loves me so much , but ultimatley wants “something else in his life”
and is only writing to me out of sympathy.

It makes me feel nervous and uneasy . and I FEEL those feelings, say its ok to feel scared, but I AM IN CONTROL… and I WANT to feel HAPPY and ELATED..
And I hug myself, or caress myself and let her (my nasty voice) know it’ll be ok, NO MATTER What his intentions are. BECAUSE I FEEL HAPPY INSIDE!

I just had to share this.

Have you ever heard of broken marriages and relationships turn around? When you bring in the element of a FRESH START, LOVE OUR MISTAKES , BUT LEAVE THE THOUGHTS , ACTIONS, HABITS and WORDS of the past relationship in the PAST?.. and start new (by using your tools of course) while looking at it from the PRESENT MOMENT , as if you are DATING all over again versus trying to resuscitate the OLD DYING relationship? Like literally start DATING again.

Is that radical or weird?

Cause I feel so INTOXICATED and EXHILARATED by the thought of Dating HIM again! Or ANY one for that matter.

Especially with my whole new ME.

If you would seen me LAST week, I would’ve told you I felt like I was going to die from my heartache from my separation from this man.

Its like a Butterfly in a Chrysalis. If you watch a butterfly begin to break free from its tightly wound cocoon , it struggles terribly, it looks so painful , as if it might even DIE… and If someone else tries to help the butterfly .. It WOULD die…
but after much struggling, it emerges.. it comes out brilliant and Free.

Your eblast from this morning was SPOT ON!
Its exactly what I was feeling.
“When he isnt giving you the commitment you want” (though you are leaning back… and is expressing his love)
Im looking forward to learning “how to EXPRESS yourself in a way he can hear, and in a way that will not push him away or feel threatening or like “drama” to him.”

I DID order the reconnecting tools
But in the interim I just DONT know how to respond.
when he isnt initiating anything but texts with deep love and devotion

ANY SUGGESTIONS? As I wait for the Cds?

I am getting out as often as possible and START dating.
I’m open .. have had many approaches, and some fun discussions (I look as them as MESSENGERS) but just noone asking me on a date just yet.
lol

I have to broaden my horizons of places Ive been. But i am ready and enthusiastic to circular date.
It will certainly help during this trying time of transformation

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