About Me

Monday, March 11, 2019

I get contacted from people from all over the globe. Whether they have cluster headaches, migraines or just another rare disease and health issues. Yes, I am contacted by all sorts of different people.

So a couple years ago a gentleman contacted me and noted on one of my videos he has a super rare skin disease. Being a person with eczema, being born without skin from the waist down and having skin problems I definitely could appreciate where he was coming from until the moment I took the time to find out what this gentleman goes through.

My disease is fairly rare, very painful but there are times I suffer less and its not severe. I also do not look sick. I can walk into a room of strangers and no one would know unless I am hurting. This gentleman went through his entire life without opening his mouth and everyone knew immediately his health.

This gentleman's name is Peter Hiscock. He has Lemaller Ichthyosis. Peter was the oldest living person in Canada and only 1 of 7 people in the entire province of New Foundland and Labrador.
Peter was 33.

Peter from day 1 was nothing but a first-class friend to me and pretty much anyone who ever came into his life. While people would stare at him, make nasty stares or comments, the only thing I ever saw was his gigantic heart.

Peter loved many things. The Toronto Maple Leafs. cars, singing and just trying to make a difference in this world and that is exactly what Peter did. He created awareness on his YouTube Channel, on Facebook and his Mustang the Ichthyosis Warrior machine! He really wanted to earn enough money to attend a conference in Nashville, where people who have the same skin. It is pretty surreal to be in a room full of people with the same disease and not have to prove how sick you are. Peter and I have spoken many times and deal with some things together.

Peter was the type of guy who's smile would light up a room. Peter wore his heart on his sleeve and if you have ever heard of "Maritime" kindness, Peter was the pinnacle of kindness and love. In my 46 years on this earth. I have never encountered anyone who is more pure, more kind, more loving than Peter. The ONLY thing I ever have seen Peter do was want acceptance, and to be treated like everyone else and spread awareness. And that he did.

With me being sick, Peters health and a HUGE distance away I knew the odds of actually meeting him face to face was slim because I live in Ontario and he was in New Foundland. The weird part is that Peter and I spoke to each other with understanding and respect. Which turned into a mutual love for one another. Yet I have never physically met him. It is weird but beautiful to have a friendship with someone that you just admire.

Peter suffered immense pain in his entire life. Different pain than me but none the less severe chronic pain. He never once complained to me. He didn't have to. And even in the days of struggling. he would still smile. wish me well as he knew I was hurting.

There is something about us sick people when around other sick people is that we get one another. It doesn't have to be the same disease or life but we just get it. It's surreal.

Peter was pretty consistent with vlogging on YouTube and I had stopped in 2018 because of my health struggles, it was just too much. Peter had slowly started stretching out his videos and his final video he admitted he had been struggling badly and wasn't well. I cried watching it. Here is a man who barely lived at birth, spent 6 months in an incubator. Thousands of trials for medications, pain reduction and only ever trying to have a better quality of life now plagued with cancer. Pardon my English but for fuck sakes. My friend Peter suffered from the moment he entered this world to the last day. Yes, it's not fucking fair and it broke my heart and everyone around him.

If you knew Peter, you knew what purity was. If you ever had a doubt that there were shitty people in this world. Peter was the one who gave you hope that there is more love and kindness in this world than evil. Peters love was just that. Love. I feel so fucking grateful that for a nano second in my life that I got to be his friend for that time. Peter made such a huge difference in this world to me and anyone who knew him. I refuse to remember all his pain and suffering and think of Peters infectious smile, his passion for cars, music, awareness and just one loveable guy. I wish we both lived in the same town because Peter and I would have been close. Actually, Id like to think we were.

Being that I am a flight away and his parents do not need 2 sick people in the house. I wanted to do something special for Peter. Mailing him a gift was pointless. He was way to sick to enjoy anything Id give him. So how can I make a friend smile? Well. I thought outside the box. I have a couple celebrity friends. I also am the type of guy to hate and never ask for favors. I thought to myself I am going to ask a celebrity friend and burn a bridge or make a dying man smile. I contacted Mike Smith aka Bubbles from The Trailer Park Boys. I know Mike gets asked for favors all day long. What celebrity doesn't? I was scared to ask. But Mike jumped on board and asked how he could help. Mike made a Happy Birthday video for Peter. Mike, you are one kind human being. Luckily there was a moment before Peters passing where he was able to view the video. It made Peter happy and I was so grateful for that. Mike, I owe you one.

Peter and I talked any times of death, being sick, purpose in life and what happens to us. He only ever wanted to make a difference. But he was extremely tired of being in pain. Well, Peter, you did and then some. I am a better person for knowing you and you will hold a place in my heart forever. His famous words to me and everyone "Peace and one love"......

Peter Hiscock made a difference in my life. I will miss you, my friend.
Godspeed and rest easy my friend.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

No, it's not the song from the Toronto band Harem Scarem....it is me, unfortunately.

This is a subject I rarely talk about and as things get worse I feel it's imperative to write it down before it gets worse.

I am talking about....

Tramuatic Brain Injury. TBI. Sigh.....I always considered myself lucky after brain surgery that the TBI was what I would consider a mild one. But as the years go by. It has progressed worse.

I have been discussing with my doctor how my TBI has affected me and how it is progressing.
Annoying? A little. Embarrassing? Sorta. Scary? Asbsolutely. Frustrating? Yes.

It started with little things. For a long time and even now bending over made me light-headed, Laying on my back without a pillow was the worst. It came along with nausea. Being unsteady. It took me a full year to be able to tie my own shoes without falling forward. It took 6 months before I started to get feeling back on the right side of my head. Weirdest feeling washing your hair, and have no clue if soap or even water is touching your head. Coming from a guy with such a sensitive scalp from headaches. I literally feel every strand on my head. The feeling came back in my head 100%. The goose egg where they drilled into my head is fine. I can tap it with my hand and feel no pain. The wires coming out of my brain to where they connect to go to my pacemaker is extremely sensitive. Even the pillow on my bed bothers me. The pacemaker floats in my chest and is discomforting but tolerable with adjustment.

Funny, I remember back as age 4. I do, but ask me to do something now and remember in 5 min. Well, chances are I have to log it in my phone or write it down. The only thing that works for me is alarms on my phone or repetition. Short term memory loss isn't fun. It is embarrassing and frustrating.

Sounds. I can no longer tolerate high pitch and certain tones without cringing. It feels like a musician using a tuning fork when it goes ping but is in my head/ears at a much greater volume than anyone else can hear. The deep earthy base is fine its the higher tone/pitch that irritates me.

Light. This includes the sun to the light bulbs. I prefer dark rooms. Fewer sounds. It also mitigates headaches. It's such a shame. I love being outside. I'd rather be outside 24/7 on a warm sunny day.

Moods. I am a very positive person. I try to always see the good in others, avoid the news because of its negative. And try my hardest to motivate and inspire others in a positive way. I am the type of person to think of others before myself. But lately, I have zero tolerance for bullshit, idiots, people who are self-centered and egotistical and just plain fucking useless tits on a bear. Really my fuse for ignorance and tolerance of morons is an all-time low. With that being said I get upset easily. And I hate it. An old neighbor of mine had a brain injury and he changed too. He was the sweetest guy ever and when he got injured he changed. I have spoken to my GP about this and I am not swallowing pills to change. I am working on this myself to try and better respond to complete fucking idiots. Sometimes you can't fix stupid yet I am the one with the brain injury.(shrug shoulders).

Cognitive issues. Since surgery, I struggle to read things unfamiliar to me. I have no clue why. If its something that interests me like cars or awareness or even writing this blog, no problem. Ask me to read a legal document. No thanks, I had it to my wife. The words float off the page and jumble in my brain and its frustrated. I feel like a moron on most days. Processing things in my brain seem to be a huge effort. I have to check, recheck and triple check if I don't forget after doing something, Example. I know it sounds silly....but Ill fill a washing machine with soap and water, and forget to put the clothes in. And this happens all the time. I do not buy for a minute that its because I am getting older. I used to multitask customers in front of me, 3 phone calls, typing on a computer, having mechanics ask me dumb questions etc. Now I can't even remember to do the simplest of tasks.
I once was driving down the highway and all of a sudden I had to pull over and check my phone and look around my car to even remember where I was going. I had no fucking clue whatsoever!!!. Scary shit.

And as of recently. I have been what I call freeze talking. Imagine someone about to stutter or start studdering. Well, it's like that. I start to want to say a word. And then it gets stuck. Not like trying to say the word "Wolf" as an example. I don't go Wa wa wa wa wooooolf. I just go W and freeze for a few seconds and then it spits out. My brain wants to say the word. My mouth just stops. It's so embarrassing. It's frustrating and humiliating. It started about 6 months ago. Was like happening once a month. Now it happens almost once a day. Freaking weird. My Dr. and I discussed it. Definitely brain injury related. It's not a huge deal. I am in so much pain all the time that its just another shit thing happening to me. But it worries me as its progressing, will I be able to still talk? Will this get so bad I stop talking or? Fuck, I hope not.

I really think a lot of the health issues are all interconnected. A few months ago my body temp started dropping. Ice cold to the touch. Being a heavy guy I run hot. Now for no reason, I'll just be sitting there and I turn ice cold. But I can be outside in -15 c wash my truck and not be cold. Weird. My legs started burning off and on months ago too. No rhyme no reason. One week my left leg burns, the next week my right leg burns. Happens 20-30x a day. Sometimes lasts seconds sometimes 20 min. Walking, sleeping, in the shower. Doesn't matter if I am still or moving, And makes no difference if I start moving. My doctor and I chalked it up as Neuropathic pain.

I wrote this blog not to give you a medical history of current health but to share with other TBI survivors. That you are not alone. It is not your fault. It sucks huge but I am still trying my best to be the best I can be. If others are bothered by your TBI, don't care or understand than it is their loss.

So, what is next for me? I feel like I am watching myself slowly slip away.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

I am a barber by trade. I went to school in 1992, got my apprenticeship out of school. Completed the 3500 hours required. I wrote my test and became licensed in May 1995. Even before I got my license I knew one day that I have my own custom HotRod Barber Shop.

I had left the trade a few times because usually the economy had done really well and factories making $25-$30 hr were hiring and I went for the money.

That was probably one of the biggest mistakes I had made. Why? I loved barbering. I love the craft. The feeling I got when someone came into my chair, sat down, explained what they wanted, how I could help and when they left the smile on their face was priceless. The joy I got was better than any tip.

I loved every waking second of it. I looked forward to going to work. I was excited. I never dreaded Mondays, I looked forward to them.

Working in a factory for me was monotonous. Boring. and the only reason I went was for the paycheck. I hated every second of working in factories. childish behavior. Rotating shifts, stress, noise, headaches, poor sleep.

I wish I had stayed barbering. I always thought there was a benefit to more money. There wasn't. I actually got sick working at one of those factory jobs. After I got sick I tried owning my own barbershop and trying to manage my health in secrecy. I couldn't hide my disease any longer. People slowly caught on seeing the Closed for Emergency sign up but my car in the parking lot as I hid in the bathroom floor having attack after attack. Or people would come in and see me and know right away something was wrong. Or having a line up of people as I tried not to have attacks but Id get hammered with attack after attack at work, at home, in my sleep. It never stopped. Closing my barbershop was one of the hardest things I ever had done. I sold my motorcycle and any money I had to open my shop. I was so proud. My dream, my vision, everything I worked so hard for came to fruition. I was my own boss. I have and always had very very strong work ethics. Arriving 15 min early is on time. Many times I was walking to my car when a car pulled up and I would take care of them. I never cared. It wasn't work to me, it was passion.

I had a policy, that if you didn't love it, you didn't pay. I never once had to use it as I alwasy got paid.

I had the ONLY HotRod Biker Barbershop around. Yes, it was a themed shop. Before I explain what it was Ill explain why I did it. first, I am a car guy/gear head/motorcycle lover. But before that in London there was when I opened my shop 400+ hair salons, and 15 barbershops in the city. So competition for barbershop was minimal. Salons in downtown were artsy fartsy upscale. A lot of men like myself felt inferior going to upscale salons and never felt comfortable in a feminine shop. Nothing wrong with it but not for me. Second I wanted to be better than chain salons. Generic salons, who promote deals, speed, and families. Again, not what I was aiming for. I wanted a place where guys could come and feel comfortable. HotRod and Biker magazines, classic rock for music. Toolboxes for stations and 50s retro chairs, racing slicks for a coffee table and a car seat as a couch in the customer lounge. I painted the floor with a garage floor coating. I wanted it to look industrial. I used a parts washer to hold Barbecide to clean tools/combs. I had automotive art/carguy celebrity photos autographed, a toolbox for cash register etc(see video). If any gear head would walk into an artsy fartsy upscale salon and feel uncomfortable the same hoity-toity person would feel equally uncomfortable in my shop listening to classic rock with a bunch of Harleys parked out front.

On Aug 1, 2009, I opened: Chopped and Lowered Haircutters. My dream, my vision came true. 1 year later to the day I closed. I then embarked on brain surgery. I could no longer hide my disease. it became a way to difficult to hide it. I had become unreliable to myself and knew my fait. I tried as hard as I could to work. Because working for me that way wasn't a hard job. I loved it and having it taken away hurt deeply. Probably for the next 5 years after I closed I couldn't even look at the building where my shop was because it hurt so much.

I learned so much being a business owner. And it's pretty shitty how poor customer service is nowadays because I never let anyone leave until they were 100% satisfied. I never did quick haircuts. I took the time I needed. When I had my shop barbering was coming back into the limelight with themed trendy shops. I'm glad I was the first. Some may have done better but I was the first around there who did anything like it. I still have much pride in what I accomplished. I also learned the nasty side of the business. People not paying, expecting freebies/trades and being used.

Now looking back a decade later, very sick now and Ill never work again, the best advice I can give anyone is to be happy and love what you do. Money isn't everything. Happiness is. I say to people you dont wanna sit on your porch old and gray, look back and think I hated every minute of my job/life. So do what makes you happy. The money will follow later.

I make now less than when I was 16 years old pumping gas after school. Money now means absolutely nothing to me. I hate money, I hate what it does to people. It changes people. and is the root of all evil. If I won a million dollars tomorrow Id spend evey penny of it trying to feel better and find out why I am so sick and how to get help. The last thought on my mind is houses, cars trips. Its means nothing. Health is wealth, no exceptions. PERIOD.

If you are healthy, hate your job then what is your excuse? The excuse is that you keep telling yourself you are stuck. The make changes, find what makes you happy. And make an action plan and work towards that goal. I never had anything handed to me in life, it wasn't easy. I made mistakes and learned from them and tried to grow. Excuses are only good coming from the person saying them.'

Also, do not misunderstand that a factory job sucks. Many are very very happy with it, a good cheque, benefits, no stress and just get in an out and have weekends off. It provides a great life for many. But that is not me. Who I was or am. I needed that creativity, that control of my happiness.

Losing my ability to work, was as hard as the diagnosis of being sick. I do not choose to be at home. I was even turned down from trying to volunteer somewhere because I am unreliable. Hence why my wife and I help the homeless now at our speed and ability. Because I was told no, I found another way to make a difference.

I never want to be remembered from the relentless suffering I have every day of my life. I'd rather be remembered for what I did for others.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

There is a million MEME's. famous quotes from deceased people in history giving wonderful advice and even today the famous say brilliant quotes. And as much as people post them on social media getting thumbs up and likes. It really means nothing unless you walk the walk, instead of just saying it.

Monday, June 18, 2018

I can not begin to tell you have happy I am to see soe many get involved with fund raising for cluster headaches.....ClusterBusters INC to be exact. It so warms my heart. I love seeing people get proactive and get out there and help, make change and be positive for a disease that ultimately drives people to Suicide !

Todays Blog/Vlog is about doing this 5k walk (2.5 for me and 2.5 for my wife) and sharing what its like from her perspective. How she feels about what I and others go through, stigma of being sick with an invisible disease, brain surgery to natural medicines !

Listen to an unsung hero never complain, always offer help, love and support and you will understand why I married my best friend.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Really, to even be thought of let alone raced for I am truly humbled. I am at a loss for words.
And I guess from what my wife tells me, all the hard work I been doing with the blogs, vlogs, logos, awareness and advocacy is starting to come to fruition or is continuing thereof.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

It could have very well happened to me and you. I have seen with my own eyes people I used to work with living on the streets. Factories close, people lose their home because they can't pay their mortgage or rent. Marriages fall apart due to job loss, health, addiction, mental health, and getting sick like me. And yes people can become homeless for some of those reasons.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

This blog today is about the multi-talented actor and singer Leigh MacInnis who also happens to be my friend. He is known for his hilarious portrayal of the character's Don and Donna on Trailer Park Boys seasons 8 to 10.

Monday, November 21, 2016

This is a project I have wanted to start for awhile. I may have been one of the original cluster heads filming myself and posting videos on YouTube and there are many Vloggers out there filming their daily life. But I have not seen videos of people living in pain.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

I won't bore or shock you with actual numbers but if you need to know message me. The amount I live on per year is way beyond below poverty level. Fact. This is a fact that almost all Cluster Heads, really anyone who is sick deals with unless you have some sort of great pension plan or long-term disability from the company you worked for. That isn't the case for me. That isn't the case for many.
It's a sad reality that almost every one of us looses our careers, homes, relationships due to hardships brought on by costs attributed to being sick.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Imagine being on a roller coaster without a lap bar or shoulder harness, spinning upside down, swirled around in circles like a Gravatron at a fair and the floor drops. You want to pass out. You have no control. You feel frozen in time yet want to die or the ride to stop at any cost. You can not control the ride, your emotions, thoughts, feelings and feel 110% helpless. All that happening while replaying what terrified you in the first place and then it plays over in your head over and over and over. Reliving the event every time.

Friday, August 12, 2016

I have had some great success with awareness and advocacy in the last 11 years of being sick.
And some might ask why tell a celebrity who isn't sick about a disease they never heard of? Its the same reason I tell average Joe's about Cluster Headaches. Except celebrities have the ability to reach a greater audience than I ever could. And I will explain that a a bit further.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Those left behind from suicide often leave devastating effects on loved ones. Family members often question why or what they could have done further. Some didn't know. Some didn't see it coming or believe it was that bad.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Loss comes in all forms. I lost my keys, I lost my phone. I lost my to do list. No, those things are mis placed. Not loss. Loss truly comes from feeling of absence. Robin Williams used this line in a movie once and he said it to Matt Damon. "Loss truly only happens when you love someone more than yourself". And that hits the nail on the head.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Before you start reading. Understand what I am writing and showing with these videos, that this is about a disease. For those with this disease, like me, we are very sick. This is not about recreational use of drugs. Because if you remotely think that remove your head from your ass.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

I often write about the effects that Cluster Headaches has on myself or what it has done to me in my life. What I have not written about is how we are as a Cluster Head by being a parent, child, friend and stranger to others.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Aug 26, 2015 my mom. Mein Kleine Mutter has gone home to the lord after a 33 day battle with brain cancer.

My mom was my life and my family and I will miss her immensely and very deeply.
If you met my mom and knew her she instantly became your friend and you would walk away with a full belly. She had spent a large portion of her life as a chef. Mom had served Queen Elizabeth twice in Germany. But served as a wife and mom every chance she could. Mom spent her life being an incredible loving supporting wife to my father of 52 years. A mom to me for 43. A mother in law to my wife for 5 years. And an Oma to my son for 16 and last her shadow,her dog.

From the moment my mom entered University Hospital here in London Ontario, the emergency staff, the 7th floor staff in neurology and the palliative car staff was second to none. Impeccable. They treated me with such dignity and care from telling me my mom was terminal within 12 hours of arrival to taking care of my dad at the same time 3 floors down in General medicine. My dad was brought in with my mom at same time in 2 ambulances. As extremely chaotic as it was my wife and i were cleaning out their apartment, packing, cleaning, selling and bringing their stuff to the hospital, our house for dad to live in, driving from our home to the hospital, back home then their apartment across town. It helped us so much that dad was under the hospital care for 12 days as we could wheel him up in the wheel chair with IV pole to see mom. And eventually a wheel chair and then walker for dad. Having to make arrangements for mom, dad and find a renovator all while trying to visit mom was insane. I can't even explain it.

The erie part of all of this was mom was under the same surgical team as I was. Despite mom being terminal and inoperable we had the same neurosurgeon caring for mom. Mom was in the exact same room and bed that I was in for my brain surgery. It bothered me the most but was comforting at the same time. I can't really explain it.

I sincerely want to thank every single health care worker that came in contact with my mom and dad. Especially Fritz. He had worked with my mom at the Kiwanis Centre. It was moms last job cooking there. She retired after that. My dad had worked with his dad back in the 70s. My mom babysat Fritz when he was a young boy. Having Fritz there was comforting very much. He having lost his parents helped my dad and I cope when we both had a hard time coping. He explained to my wife and I the dying process and it was easier to hear from him since my mom really liked him very much, Thank you Fritz. If you ever read this my family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts. I also want to thank those who are always often missed. The porters, the Voyageur drivers who brought mom and me back and forth every time to the Cancer Clinic, The oncologist, The nurses, PSWs. Everyone, thank you for a thankless job. I really mean it. Many many times I had to leave the room in tears being unable to cope with mom needing help and the hospital staff took care of everything. Thank you. A special thank you to the Nurse Practitioners at UH for helping mom get to palliative.

While all this was happening. Dad being on 4th floor and eventually coming home to live with us and all the medical staff who came to my home to help dad. While all this was happening. My wife and I and dad had to watch the mother, I so dearly love pass away before our very eyes everyday. We did this alone with no help from no one. Everything was done by myself and my wife. Not a single person helped us. But really who could. Only the people who were in my moms life mattered to her and us anyway.

The out pour of support we received from neighbors, from my club brothers, from my fellow Cluster Heads world wide and my in-laws was greatly appreciated. While none of it was physical or decision making, It was comforting to know how much my mom was loved by so many. How much at the end of the day of my head constantly pounding a simple card, email, plate of cookies, or card meant to us.
It also surprised the shit out of me how some said absolutely nothing. Not even sorry for your loss.

The only complaint we had over this was the Ontario Cremation Service who at first said they would take half the payment for the cremation and then changed their mind and demanded full payment only after we signed. Nor when we called to have mom taken from the hospital did the moran on the phone offer a single condolence. DO NOT USE ONTARIO CREMATION SERVICES.

Cancer is a dreaded horrible disease. Why people still smoke after watching this happen just baffles me. Whatever excuses people give is just that. An excuse. Excuses are only good tot he people saying them. If you smoke, quit. No excuses. If I can quit with the worlds most painful disease known to medical science you can too.

Mom was cremated and there will be no funeral, no wake, no gathering. It was moms wishes and dad, my wife and I will honor her wishes. I have the same wishes. Mom said to me if you didn't come see me when I was alive don't bother now I am gone. I feel exact same way. Mom was nor bitter nor upset about that. Mom was 100% at peace with her decisions and life. She was a fantastic mother to me. Incredible Oma to my son.

I remember so many times of my mom making forts with my son when he was little or taking him bowling, or taking him to get candy. She treated my son so well. Always, and I mean always made sure he had a full belly. pocket full of money and hugs and kisses. She spent time with him every chance she could. I don't even think to this very day my son knows how good he had it, I myself never knew my Oma or Opa.

My wife was so blessed to have her in her life for the 5 years. She was mom to her, My mom truly adored my wife. They say men marry women like their mom and its true. My family knows I struck a home run with her. My wife is as grieving as all of us for losing her mom too. I can not thank my wife enough for being so grounded, so helpful, so caring, supporting to me throughout all of this when others where completely absent. But my wife and I never have to worry about living life with regret,

My dad. Where do I begin? Dad went from being unaware of where he was from first admitted to hospital for 4 days to loosing his wife and now living with his son and daughter in law in 1 month. After 52 years of marriage, raising a family, travelling the globe with his best friend to now watching her pass. How my dad is keeping it together I am at a loss of words. The only thing I foresee is time. No one ever "gets over it". But we learn to live with it. Dad said in the hospital if its what God wants, Its what will be. We lost mom but heaven gained the best. We in this house are Christians. We beleive in our hearts 100% that mom is in heaven.

I pray Elvis is singing to my mom right now with my dog Buster. Mom is no longer in pain. My mom lived many many years in great pain from knee replacements to bad arthritis to just getting older. She told me she was not affraid to die.

The day before she passed she had completely stopped talking and eating the day before that. Rarely I had any alone time with mom, Because we were always there together,

I had mom alone and said that we would be ok. That I loved her with all my heart and would miss her but we were at peace with her leaving. I begged her for a sign to let me know she was ok. She opened her eyes for a split second and lipped "I love you" to me. Last words she ever spoke. She gave dad a kiss back on the day of her passing.

I played Amazing Grace by Elvis as we were with mom and read her Psalm 23.

As we said our good bye to mom, I turned around and looked at the door way of her room. Whether you think I was under duress or making this up I know what I saw. My mom was partially poking her head out of the room with a glow around her head like a light from heaven. She waived at me twice and smiled. I know what I saw. I could care or less if a single person believes me. I saw my mom as an angel. I do not need to prove it. I saw it. I don't care if a single person believes me either.

Now we must continue on in life. I only ever wanted one thing from my mom and dad and that was for them to be proud of me. I promised my mom we will be ok. And we will in time, For now the renovations on our home will be finished. Dad will have his private space and we will be there for dad for as long as he needs.

Mom, I will continue to be the best son to dad, the best husband to my wife and dad to your grandson. I will continue to advocate for my fellow Cluster Heads world wide and make you proud and make a difference in this world. I dedicate this all to you momma. We all are going to miss you beyond words. I will see you again in heaven mom and then I wont have any more attacks/headaches.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Cancer, yes the "C" word. I have never heard of another person not knowing someone affected by cancer either directly or indirectly.

Cancer is the mothership of all diseases. It is the disease that is the most funded for research yet takes lives in multitudes every single second around the globe. Yet there is no cure just prevention and care. I am not going to blog today about the possibilities of cancer cure. Because there is so many different types of cancer unlike my disease the only difference is sides of the head unless you are super fucked and get attacks on both sides. But today this blog isn't about Cluster Headaches.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

I been wanting to write this for awhile but wasn't sure how to approach the topic simply because I did not want this blog to appear as a cry for pity or sympathy when in fact its factual statements based on events in my life instead of my own beliefs.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Discussing my life with Cluster Headaches is one thing. Living with them is another. Once in awhile I blog about what hurts me, what makes me happy and what I love besides my family. Sadly this story ends on my disease.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

I would much rather prefer to read layman's terms myself, and generally that is how I write. The percentage of physicians and medical staff reading my blog is probably pretty low so I write for the survivors and supporters....

Monday, March 2, 2015

Less than 2 Million spent on Cluster Headaches in last 25 years ! Disgusting ! Yet over $ 1.872_BILLION has been spent on MS. In no way shape or form am I demeaning MS yet comparing MS to Suicide Headaches. The similarity is that CH and MS have the same disease rate of .01% of the world. This is my justification for comparison in disease rate only.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I wake up each day smiling, living life to the best of my ability, I at how such a beautiful woman chose me and to live with a loving man that has such horror. How my son was born into this without any choice, yet he inspires me each day to give back and pay it forward. I realize that despite my cards I am dealt, I am a very blessed man.

My life is a gift from God and I know that what ever I do today is because of him. I love life and I love to help others the best I can.

I know some people are best suited to remain quiet and that is ok, Its in me to speak out for those who lost their fight. Lost their will to life so they did not die in vein. Today, I dedicate this to them......

Saturday, January 17, 2015

With great sadness and displeasure I once again receive news of another cluster head taking their own life.
This is becoming a monthly notification for me and others. It is with great sadness, heavy hearts we lost one of our own.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Today, November 18, 2014 is our 3 year wedding anniversary. 3 years ago I married my best friend. I'll never forget my first date. Jumped on the Harley and headed to Merla Mae Ice Cream. As we sat that getting to know one another I thought wow, I really like her. I kept thinking, should I tell her I am sick? Should I tell her what happens to me even though she won't comprehend it?
I have hid my attacks before dating and when they happened the girl got so freaked out she bailed on me. I have dated other girls and told them I was sick and they bailed on me. But my gut that day said tell her.

Monday, November 17, 2014

It takes a long time for any person diagnosed with any disease to accept their fate. To not only stop denying or asking why me but turning it around to 'Why not me?". It took me along time and a good book by Michael J. Fox "Lucky Man" for me to change my outlook and perspective. No longer wanting to die.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Hey ya'all. Does my southern accent come through in my words? Just kidding. I love the south and every time I can go, I just look forward to it. I love the mountains, the people, the food. Oh god, the food. I ate pulled pork just about every single day there. Can't get enough of it and only recently in the last 2 years we just got a southern restaurant here.....

Its been 1 week now since I first walked into the meet and greet and was in a room where literally not a single person had to speak. Everyone of us could have kept our mouths closed and not said a single word verbally yet had a conversation.

Friday, August 15, 2014

I can't begin to tell you how deeply affected I am about Robin Williams passing. For many reasons...and really. Its not because I am comedic myself or the fact I loved his work as a comedian or actor. Or for his philanthropy. Its because....

Thursday, July 24, 2014

9 Years sick today with Cluster Headaches aka Suicide Headaches. Before you continue to read this. I write this with a sound mind as I can with zero aspirations of any pity. Only awareness. I wrote this on 1 hour sleep. Do not be alarmed. I am getting accustomed to sleeping 2 hours or less per night.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Its tough some days talking to the ignorant. But they are only ignorant until we educate them and then they are just heartless bastards who don't care or did not want to learn or think they have the cure.

Hey, have you ever told someone you have Cluster Headaches? And their immediate response was...

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The videos on YouTube, the blog, the Facebook page on Cluster Headaches, the Google page, the twitter account keeps me busy. Its because I help. Its because I do all of this for a far greater good than I. Today, I ask your help.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

OK. So I have caved into the social media blitz. I personally was not a fan of Facebook simply because reading status on people washing their hair didn't interest me.So I made a FB page not of me Tom *******, I made one of ClusterHead Survivor. A guy who had 4 brain surgeries and has Cluster Headaches.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

A parents worst fear is that they inherit their diseases and ailments. IN last couple years my son now age 15 has been suffering chronic migraines and tension headaches.

It breaks my heart to see him suffer like this day and night non stop and like any parent with a brain cell wishes no pain upon their children and have asked god many times to take his pain and give it to me.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas to all.
Today, I and many others celebrate the birth of Jesus. For some others its just a time to get together with family and inadvertently celebrate Christmas. Either way I wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I don't care its the holiday season and the house, work and social parties are among us.
If you drink, do not drive. Period. And please forward this video link to anyone prior to going out for the night. Its all I ask. Not Cluster headache related but please do not drink and drive.
RIP, James, Mike, Scotty and Jim.
Merry Christmas everyone

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Its been a little while since I last wrote. Partially because I been dealing with some things that not only had me concerned yet scared because I had no idea why they were happening and I can not stop them.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I am not a doctor. I will never recommend any drugs for anyone to take. I am a survivor. I only give a survivors point of view and share my experiences. There is professional help out there. No matter where you live.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Jesus once said that...but todays blog isn't about biblicle scripture. Its about me and forgiving those who do not know. Do not understand and praising those who do take the time to listen, enquire and understand.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Its seems to me that after 203,000 views on my YouTube video and countless efforts to get people to read parts of my blog in explanation of my choice not to do drugs its not evident enough. So this is why today....I am going to spell it out for some and help others understand my decision not to use drugs.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

G'day. This post is not intended for families of survivors or themselves. It is directed at friends, colleagues, associates, co-workers, employers, neighbours, basically anyone that comes into contact with a "Cluster Head" in their lifetime.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

I am a chronic Cluster Headache Survivor with 4 brain surgeries under my belt. Yes, this is my feeble attempt at having hopes of being interviewed on CNN by you to discuss awareness for CH and perhaps my DBS surgeries I have had.

I have written CNN, Your office and to my dismay never heard back.

I am now relying on all my friends, family, blog readers and my YouTube Page supporters to reach you to get on TV and be interviewed.

As you know this is one deadly disease. Nicknamed the suicide headache and for obvious reasons.

There is no cure, many of us undiagnosed, many of us living without proper medical treatment.

I have a YouTube page with well over 300,000 hits, just started my blog in December 2012 and almost 50,000 hits. I need millions of hits to spread awareness.

I lost my vanity along time ago. I have been contacted about suicide twice prior to the act. There is a reason Dr.Peter Goadsby has coined this term "The Worlds Most Painful Disease known to Medical Science". There is not other form of pain any worse.
The sooner awareness is spread, the sooner people can get the help they need.

Not a single Cluster Head would ever dream of asking for pity. Yet we seek understanding as even our own family members have no idea the pain we endure. Its torture,inhuman,unjust and severe.

I and others have lost friends, relationships, jobs and even taken their lives over this.

We do not seek attention yet so many sufferers "cash out" where as with help from advocacy, awareness, and certain treatments, some of us want to live and fight "The Beast" and not give up.

I use the term 'Survivors" vs "Sufferers" because that's what we are....surviving.

I am now asking every single person that reads this blog, watches my YouTube videos, to Tweet, email, hand mail Dr.Sanjay Gupta and or CNN. Any help is appreciated. I can no longer do this alone. PLEASE HELP

Sunday, May 19, 2013

This made me smile today and hopefully you as well. I have written about Mike Fox and his career and being a die hard Back To The Future Fan as well as Family Ties, Spin City and the rest of his movies I am a huge fan of his acting career. He became my hero when he started the foundation.
I advise to give generously to www.michaeljfox.org

Thursday, April 25, 2013

I wrote below about our rescue dog "Buster" Which became family in November 2012. He ended up on our lawn, homeless, hungry,sick,bony,smelly and scared. But friendly.

I truly believe he ended up on our lawn to rescue me, not me rescue him. Since then he has become and extension of our family. He has been so incredibly therapeutic for my healing and journey and at the time after brain surgery #4 I really needed to concentrate, and focus on positive and taking care of this sick animal was all I could do.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Waaaaay down below in my blog.If you scroll to the bottom you will see photos from my surgery at the hospital. MRI, etc.
And today I would like to share my scars today. Months later after my hair has grown back and staples long gone, bones have healed. Here is how I am today.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

As I type with one eye open. Its not because of an attack I am having, its because of all the attacks I have had as of recently. I am to say the least. Exhausted. Wiped out. I don't understand it. I am not overly stressed out. Perhaps its the programming in the neurostimulator? Hard to say. But whatever it is I am not having fun.

Monday, March 4, 2013

I write down every attack and log them for my neurosurgeon to review so each appointment he has a log for reprogramming the neurostimulator. My next appointment is in April. Which is about 3 months of present programming.

Throughout my almost 8 year stint of Cluster Headaches and benig chronic I have never had any consistency of headaches in time of day. They have always been sporadic. As of lately most of my bad attacks are occurring between 11:30am and 1 am. Which for me is weird.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

There have been many days I have tried desperately to be as normal as anyone who isn't sick. Hiding the disease best I could. The older I got the harder it became to hide what I am or became.
I wrote about this already. Accepting. Alot of these blogs intertwin.

You or other might say...." A day off???" for someone who is on a disability pension that sits home? Yes I take a day to me sometimes. Lately more than normal. Its ok. It is ok to do jack squat. I think it was harder for me to accept a Me Day than anything. My whole life I never been lazy. I am a very hyper person who would rather be outside working or doing something than sitting doing nothing. I say to my wife all the time...
Sleeping is for when your dead.....and she laughs. I dont like sleeping. I dont like sitting around doing nothing. I like waking up early and getting the most of my day.

Monday, February 11, 2013

I know I talk alot about Michael J. Fox and him being my hero. Aside from my wife and son being my hero's as well. But its different. Mike is a philanthropic hero. For someone wanting to go out of business I admire his ongoing relentless will , drive and desire to fight.
His actual real name is

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I started this blog int he middle of December of 2012 and its just the very beginning of February 2013 and almost 1500 hits so far. I have had over 102,000 You Tube views on my videos. Over 76,000 on my one video alone. I know by today's standards with video hits going viral overnight of a million hits but I am very proud of this. For a disease that affects 0.01% of the worlds population. And I live in a city of over 350,000 and there is only 2 other survivors I know of, its a very very rare disease.

And to have this recognition by loyal viewers is just incredible. When I made my

Sunday, February 3, 2013

I don't even want to fathom a child with cluster headaches. But sadly some survive them. And if there is one thing that I loathe is to see a child suffer. God be with them.

This blog today is about our children and cluster headaches. While I can not write about myself being a child having cluster headaches although I am a kid at heart. I am writing today about our kids who watch us with cluster headaches.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Today's blog is dedicated to all the spouses, children and family members that deal with Cluster Headaches in your family. If your husband,wife,child,brother,sister,aunt,uncle,grandparent cousin etc has these.....than you know what my wife and son deal with.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Sometimes we should put our own illness aside for others whom are sick as well. It really does ground you. If that person has Cluster Headaches or another illness/disease/ailment or is just feeling down. We should if able to be there in support for that other person. It will ground you. And make them smile.

There is nothing more in this world that turns my stomach more than seeing

Monday, January 14, 2013

With my recent post on RIP, and the grief that not only I carry but others whom have lost a loved one due to suicide from Cluster Headaches. It has brought me to today's post.

I have written to CBC, Fifth Estate, CNN, 20/20, and many more. This disease needs awareness. I have seen |Dr.Sanjay Gupta do interviews and reports on DBS. But not on DBS with or just Cluster Headaches.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I received this on my YouTube video account today,
"my friend sufferd from these and he said he would rather
be stabbed or have his arm broken then to suffer from one for an hour ,
he commited suicide last month leaving a personal note to me claiming
he cant deal with the pain , i feel for everyone with this illness"

Ill be honest. I cried. I cried as I felt like we lost a family member.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

If you have Cluster Headaches, ALS,Parkinson's,Cancer,Diabetes, or any other life altering illness, disease or sickness that you are like me. Yes it sucks big time we are sick and Doctors will tell you that you are sick but no Doctor tells you how to live sick. This is where this blog may help.

If you were recently diagnosed with some illness or Cluster Headaches like me. I highly recommend

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I pray for all of you for health and happiness. That maybe this year a cure be found. That all though I had Deep Brain Stimulation Brain Surgery and whether it works or not a cure be found. DBS nor illicit drug use is NOT a cure. If anything, its a band aid.

This year my goal is to loose weight. I had written earlier and about smoking and weight and I to this very day and pray forever I remain smoke free.

Friday, December 28, 2012

About a month a stray dog wounded up on my lawn. My guess was a Shi Poo mix. Maybe miniature poodle. Poor little guy was skin and bones,starving,hair was matted. No collar, hair was about 6 months long of no haircut. He is friendly, and very hungry. We fed him with our dog food. I was unable to drive due to surgery but a friend of mine was over with her husband and they took him to animal control. He had been on my mind all that week thinking how could anyone not post pics, around neighbourhood, kijiji,London Free Press and leave this little guy out. I called Animal Control , they gave him shots, said he as neutered and about 9 years old.
Said chances of adoption were slim because he is a filthy stray and older.
I couldn't bear him being Euthanized.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I wanted to post some videos on Cluster Headaches for reference for fellow survivors and people wanting to gain some information on the disease and also what us survivors endure daily if your chronic like me or episodic.

Here is is my YouTube channel "ClusterHeadSurvivor"-Please follow my channel. Add me as a friend and or message me

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

You have al heard the slogans "Arrive, Alive, Drive sober" and there is many more but why do people continually drink and drive? It will never cease to amaze me the shear stupidity in people drinking and driving.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

To my family, friends,fellow cluster heads and anyone else reading this.
This time in the past for me traditionally has been horrible for me but each year I try to be positive, and not repeat history. This is my first Christmas with our rescue dog Buster.
Its an important time of year for us to celebrate the birth of Jesus while enjoying festivities of family time, exchanging gifts, as for me its better to give than receive. I have always been that way.
I love the food, festivities, lights, tree, Elvis music and church.
There is something so humbling and serene sitting in church singing Silent Night. I feel so at peace.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

As mentioned before I started these attacks July 25,2005. They have been relentless everyday non stop since then. Yes I am 100% Chronic. Even more rare because of migraines and tension headaches. All uniquely different. Pain is no comparison. Anyone with CH will attest to that and concur.

Friday, December 21, 2012

These are 2 character defects I have and try to work on daily.
Holding onto this can cause an unhealthy life if you take it to the extreme. My wife reminds me and encourages me to"let go" or "move forward"
Whether your bitterness and resentment is because of....

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Faith for me has been a blessing. No pun intended. I became a Christian about 7 years ago. I should remember the date when I became born again but I don't. I do not go to church every Sunday because of my health etc but thay has not steered me away from my relationship with God.
Faith for me has definitely helped in many ways

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Today I see my neurosurgeon to adjust my nuerostimulator. In time I hope things will be better for me and I hope after today's adjustment that iam not so dizzy and nautious. I must try to remain positive and pray.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Its quite a journey we been on so far.
I have been fortunate enough to have met many famous automotive icons.
George Barris-(famous for Batmobile), Chip Foose, Tim Allen , Jay Leno and many more.
I also met some famous movie stars who played parts in car movies like American Graffiti
I have also had the pleasure on working in the Steve Plunkett collection.
Worlds largest and rarest Cadillac Collection on the planet. He is a mentor and a friend. I can not say enough nice things about him. I also was able to see one of my hero's Michael J Fox speak in person.

At age 4, I remember my first Elvis record. I still have it to this very day.
I remember at age 5, Aug 16,1977. I remember seeing it on TV and going outside to my folks sitting on the patio and telling them that hot summer day. They were in disbelief.

It took a long time to get where I am today. I waited long for appointments and finally got in touch with a great neurologist whom got me in touch with my neurosurgeon.
Aug 23,2011. The day I quit smoking after 25 years. Was also my 1st brain surgery called " Occipital Nerve Stimulation". I was knocked out for this one. The surgeon implanted two electrodes in the back of my head to an external pacemaker. If it worked they would install the pacemaker in my chest. It did not.

Feb 23,2012. Deep Brain Stimulation. I was awake. Surgeon drilled about a 3/4 inch hole on front part of my skull, implanted an electrode in my hypothalamus. Cut an incision in the rear of my head and fed the wires through my head and now into my chest where they implanted a pacemaker inside me. 2 weeks later turned it on.

April 1,2011. The pacemaker and lead wires were removed due to an infection in my chest. I woke up on Sunday morning to find puss dripping from my scar on my chest. Went to hospital, kept me over night and then told me I had to have surgery next day to have it removed and re installed about a month later. I was asleep for surgery #3. Months went by and the secretary forgot to contact me so when I finally saw my neurosurgeon and asked for next surgery I asked it be held off until September and mentally and physically was worn out from 3 surgeries. I wanted to enjoy my summer with my family as anyone knows it not just the person whom is sick, its the whole family. My next surgery was booked for Sept 6

November 13,2012 I had my 4th Surgery. I did not have it Sept 6 as planned because I went into the hospital with a slight cold and cough. I never get sick. I had not had a cold or flu in 4 years as I am a strong supporter of Cold FX. I stopped using it because of cost and couldn't afford it. And voila I got sick. They sent me home from the hospital and thank god they did because that night I got violently ill for 6 weeks. I could not believe how sick I was and how long it lasted. They rescheduled when I felt better for November 13,2012. Day after my sons birthday. The week prior I had an abscess tooth and had a root canal. Dentist said it was bad. Should be...was almost a $1000.

So I had surgery. Re installed pacemaker, and lead wires. I am home recovering now. After a week the neurosurgeon turned it on and at present I have 0.6 volts firing to my brain. My headaches are still coming strong with no relief . I see my neurosurgeon every month for re programming. DBS is ONLY a 50% chance at pain reduction it is not a cure. I am the 2nd person in Canada to have this. First in Ontario, and the 17 th person on the planet to have DBS for Cluster Headaches.

I am still very nauseous and dizzy. Sometimes the dizziness is bad. Bending,kneeling over is hard. I have a lot of pain in my chest and arm where the pacemaker is. I am not complaining. It is what it is.

I have a rare neurological disease called "Cluster Headaches" or more commonly known as "Suicide Headaches" for obvious reasons. I am starting this blog to connect, help and provide assistance to others in need to help educate others who know, be related to or possibly work with someone with this condition.

Cluster Headaches affect less than 0.01% of the worlds population. There is Chronic like me and Episodic.I have been chronic for over 7+ years.

The disease is life altering, and been clinically noted as 'The Worlds Most Pain full Disease On the Planet Known to Medical Science" quoted by Dr.Peter Goadsby.

The attacks range from 30 min to 3 hours long every attack. The intensity is different for each attack. I get anywhere from 1 to 15 per day everyday.

Cluster Headache
Good day, you will notice throughout my blogs I will rarely and try not to put "Sufferer" as terminology as I feel we are "Survivors". Its a testament to the fact we are still here surviving this horrible dreaded disease. Although it is unfair we have this. We must survive each day and persevere and continue to survive each day. Whether you are chronic like me or episodic.
We are survivors

Here is from my first video to most recent on my page "ClusterHeadSurvivor"
The videos were posted as I made them. I apologise for some quality and watermarks etc
I am not computer savvy. I am even surprised I got this far on my blog, LOL
So bare with me throughout the blog of a Cluster Head Survivor

***Please do NOT Pitty me throughout these videos, made for educational knowledge,support of others with this disease and to hep others to know of someone surviving****