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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Under the Influence #2

TITLE: Return To SpenderGENRE: MG Fantasy

LOGLINE: Return To Spender is a story about an eleven-year-old boy whoinherits a magical twenty-dollar bill that he can spend over and over,then risks losing it forever when he fails to keep the bill a secret.

FIRST 250: William's eyes locked on the large silver mailbox as theschool bus pulled up in front of his house. Pushing past everyone, heraced off the bus into the bright sunlight, reaching the box in threegiant steps. He tugged the door open and found it empty. Again. In thelast four of his eleven years, it had been his job to bring the mailin, but not anymore. Not since Christmas when his mother changedshifts at the bank. It hadn't been a big deal then, but it was now.

His backpack, one strap frayed and holding on by a few threads, hungheavily on one shoulder covered by a jacket that was no longer needed.The long sleeves of his Detroit Red Wings shirt threatened to make thetrek up the driveway into a workout on the warm mid-March afternoon inMason, the small Midwestern town where he lived. This only added tohis frustration.

He sent a small rock halfway up the driveway with a swift kick. Twoweeks ago when William found out about the secret family gift, hecouldn't wait to see what happened. But now he was anxious to see ifbeing born on the twenty-ninth of February held any real magic. Whenhe came to the same rock again, he slowed and aimed the front end ofhis sneaker. This time it tumbled across the driveway and into thebrown grass. He looked for another but, unable to find one, kicked atnothing.

6 comments:

I love the premise – what middle grader wouldn’t like to have a magic $20 bill!

You’re great with details that make me feel like I’m right there with William. I can easily visualize the scene. And I can feel some of his frustration.

I didn’t understand how the long sleeves threatened to make the trek a workout. Uncomfortable from the heat maybe. I would delete the sentence – This only added to his frustration. That’s a telling sentence and you do a great job of showing his frustration with him kicking the rock.

Secret family gift? Magic from being born on Leap Day? Intriguing and makes me want to read more! I love the symbolism of kicking at nothing.

Love the premise and the logline drew me in immediately. The writing is good, but the wording on this is awkward: "Two weeks ago when William found out about the secret family gift, he couldn't wait to see what happened. But now he was anxious to see if being born on the twenty-ninth of February held any real magic"I think I know what you're trying to say, but it is confusing. Something is missing. Take a closer look at it and try again.

I like your logline. It felt a little sparse to me, like I wasn't sure if it felt like enough for a whole MG novel, but I know the logline has to be concise (and maybe it's just me).I also like your opening. I could really feel the excitement of waiting for something in the mailbox and the disappointment of finding it empty. :)I was confused by the bit about the backpack and clothes and wasn't sure why it needed to be there. I wanted to know more about what he was waiting for and why it was a big deal that his mom got to the mail first (?) I like the hints about the secret family gift and the February 29th birthday. I also like the rock-kicking, but maybe don't need quite so much of it (?) I know it's just 250 words though, and I think you've got a good start.

LOGLINE: Return To Spender is a story about (Cut this opening.) an eleven-year-old boy whoinherits a magical twenty-dollar bill that he can spend over and over,then risks losing it forever when he fails to keep the bill a secret. (Okay, so I think this is interesting and gives just enough info to be attention-grabbing without overbearing, but it's too 'This is about this, then this.' Maybe work with this until it feels more like the atmosphere of the book.)

FIRST 250:

William's eyes locked on the large silver mailbox as theschool bus pulled up in front of his house. Pushing past everyone, heraced off the bus into the bright sunlight, reaching the box in threegiant steps (Maybe split this up? The two phrases on each end are a little heavy.). He tugged the door open and found it empty. Again. In thelast four of his eleven years, it had been his job to bring the mailin, but not anymore. Not since Christmas when his mother changedshifts at the bank. It hadn't been a big deal then, but it was now.

His backpack, one strap frayed and holding on by a few threads, hungheavily on one shoulder covered by a jacket that was no longer needed (The pack or the shoulder?).The long sleeves of his Detroit Red Wings shirt threatened to make thetrek up the driveway into a workout on the warm mid-March afternoon inMason, the small Midwestern town where he lived. This only added tohis frustration. (I think, and take this with a grain of salt, that you could make this sound more like an 11yo. The sentences are a bit too long. It was nearly there with the letters bit, but bounced back to these lengthened sentences. For MG, there's a lot of info to take in in these sentences. They're doing a lot of good things, but they could do those things in separate sentences.)

He sent a small rock halfway up the driveway with a swift kick. ( I think simply saying he kicked it would be stronger.) Twoweeks ago when William found out about the secret family gift, hecouldn't wait to see what happened. But now he was anxious to see ifbeing born on the twenty-ninth of February held any real magic. Whenhe came to the same rock again, he slowed and aimed the front end ofhis sneaker. This time it tumbled across the driveway and into thebrown grass. He looked for another but, unable to find one, kicked atnothing. (Oh magic! I love magic! I think this paragraph was more 11yo-ish than the others. It's an interesting concept and seems to be the right place to start. I hope I see more of this. Good luck!)