This probably isn’t front page news, but I have a bone to pick with London. Why is the shoe selection on Oxford Street so rubbish?

It tricks you into thinking you can have anything you want: there’s so much choice! No. There’s so many shops. All selling the same crap selection, and if what you want – say, a pair of brown leather flat pumps with a pointed toe – is not in favour, it just cannot be had for love nor money.

Ballet pumps, yes. Weird hybrid brogues, yes. Things that look like they’re made of wicker, yes. Brown flat pointed pumps? No. Why is this?! I can’t be the only woman in London who prefers flat shoes with a pointed instead of rounded toe. They’re intrinsically more elegant, I know they would sell, it can’t be for lack of demand. It makes no sense.

In moments of calm I’ve considered the other options available. But ballet shoes whilst dainty at size 4 look like boats when scaled up to a 7. And after some thought I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m just too posh to make brogues look edgy or ironic. I’ll only look prematurely middle-aged.

I’ll admit there are compromises to be had:

1. Go for black.

2. Pay £110.

To this I say:

1. Brown isn’t some wacky out-there colour. It’s the natural colour of leather, of which shoes are made.

2. I don’t have one hundred and ten spare pounds, and in any case would object to shelling out that amount of money on such a small amount of shoe.

Now I could make some wider point about the increasing homogeneity of the British high street, the forcing out of the independent retailer etc etc. But I will probably just stick with stomping from store to store, impotently screaming (in my head) WHY IS THE WORLD DENYING ME FLAT BROWN POINTY PUMPS???!!!