EMERGENCY BROADCAST: There’s been another Update about the 90’s Arcade Racer on Kickstarter HERE. 6 unique race tracks confirmed! Different times of day confirmed! Massively uncomfortable twitching erection confirmed! Here’s the first track, Island Short.

Amazing amounts of colourful hues going on in this image, too many to cope with all in one go. Balloons to the left, colourful billboards to the right and multi-coloured flags all across the middle.

TWO TUNNEL ROUTES! Plus a cassette over one of the tunnel entrances! This is all too much, going to have a lie down in the dark for a while after all this. The nurse said not to use too many exclamation marks in such a small confined space.

Recoil in HORROR and SHOCK as you look at her NAKED FOREARM. Stare wide-eyed in FURY and DISGUST at that bit ABOVE THE BOOBS AND BELOW THE NECK.

TOUCH YOURSELF against your OWN WILL at her OPEN MOUTHED FACE. When will it ever end? Come back soon for righteous coverage of the inevitable DEGRADING FILTH at Gamescom.

** SOME OTHER THINGS **

Things that have been found or emailed in that are going on out there in the real world.

ACTUAL GAME NEWS: PIKMIN 3 ON WII U

Launches today! If you do anything else of note other than getting out of bed then that thing should be buying Pikmin 3. If you don’t have a Wii U then that’s your own fault. Maybe it’s Nintendo’s fault a little bit as well.

ACTUAL GAME NEWS: KOKUGA ON 3DS

Slightly less mental than previous games by the creator of Radiant Silvergun but still massively brilliant and available now on the Nintendo eShop for about £13.

Maybe we’ll do a review at some point.

MEN IN GAME SHOP SELL SEGA SATURN GAMES

Men showcasing readily available SEGA Saturn games, which means Saturn hardware production should never have ceased. Saturn stuff starts about 4 minutes in if you want to skip the GameCube bit.

One of them keeps on getting corrected by the other one but overall a good effort and does still help overall.

Really getting through the backlog now. This link comes from one of the many Men Called James who occasionally send SEGA things through the post. Full specifications including price and the images in the original order HERE.

There seems to be a bit of pink in her left hand, wonder if it’s a bit of knicker. It really should be a bit of knicker. That’s definitely a bit of knicker, pink knicker as well.

“Now, take your vest off and we can play my Mega Drive. You know I can’t play Thunder Force 3 when you have your vest on. Fold it neatly as well for tomorrow days, I’m not putting it through the wash again as the lettering will start to peel.”

** SPECIAL EDITION EXTRA UPDATE FOR THE PINK BIT ***

Here’s that aforementioned pink bit enlarged if you’d like to investigate further.

Forgot to mention the placement of the little finger, extra points awarded.

From across the pond far away comes news of a covert SEGA marketing campaign for Dreamcast2. They’re so clever those marketing people at SEGA and not at all thick and stupid! You don’t fool us, a hardware press conference is imminent plus launch line-up.

“Hello again, NUKR. I have more swirls from the States.”

“This was from a mini golf course in the New Roc City complex in New Rochelle, NY. I apologize for the picture quality, but it was one of those ‘glow-in-the-dark’ courses, and my phone has a really shitty camera. These aren’t swirls, but I was at a go-kart track later on, and I saw a few arcade units they left nearby to distract the kids for long enough to keep them from trying to jump over the barrier. Needless to say, they were pretty worn looking.”

“This is Outrunners. The lights behind Player 2’s ‘Checkpoint’ sign have gone out. I didn’t get a chance to play it to see if the controls worked.”

“And this is Cruis’n USA. This one was kind of neat because I had never seen the deluxe version in person before.”

“Unfortunately, the screen was really messed up. It was doing that weird thing that happens when the contrast on a CRT screen is way too high, and the colours stretch across it and make it difficult to see what’s happening. I didn’t get to play this one either, but I did see a father and daughter play it later on, and it seemed to work fine for them. Keep fighting the good fight. Cheers.

ON THE SPOT REAL LIFE UPDATE: A Sonic The Hedgehog bag in a shop in London around the Covent Garden area. The shop was rather nice, it had nice things in it. Sweets, bags and other assorted nice objects.

The people inside were nice and the shop assistants were nice, apart from the girl who stood just inside the door for ages and blocked the route inside. You know who you are, you cunt.

Forms part of the “An Update A Month” series, hopefully there’ll be another Update next month. Probably featuring clothing or a game. Let’s have a game next month, that’ll be nice for everyone.

We have no idea what game this actually is because it doesn’t appear to include a boost button or drift control. However, kudos to you SEGA Japan\SEGA Subsidiary for not buckling under overwhelming pressure to cover up the legs of lovely girls.

There’s even a website HERE which appears to be dedicated to “Kingdom Conquest Girls.” Look, one of them is holding her hand up to her face in that giggly way middle-aged men like. One of them is even allowed to talk into the microphone.

If it’s good enough for SEGA with that new Sonic game it’s probably one thousand times good enough for us. It’s as if all the cats and dogs in the world all lived together in amongst mountains of faeces but yet are still polite to each other.

We’ve already got this on the Xbox 360 but considering that console got thrown* into the loft after the recent fuckings-about by Microsoft, it’s best we just play it on the Wii U.

*put away nicely in its box for when we might want to play Max Anarchy again.

Still can’t quite get past not having a console under the telly, this one looks mental enough so we’ll make do.

Logos! Alan Titchmarsh! SEGA! Sex Toys! Oiled Men! All in one place in the actual real world.

“HI Not UKR,
My housemate told me of a video with vibrators and alan Titshmarch which naturally I wanted to see. Although disappointed that Alan didnt road test any dildos himself I did notice that the logo “The Future of SEX” looked a bit familiar in that the S and E are clearly the first two letters from a Sega sign that has been stolen from an abandoned Sega world and resprayed. The X is likely stolen from a large 32x advert or the result of someone breaking an “A” and then glueing it back together wrong.”

“I always wanted to appear in UKR but despite submitting about 8,000 pictures of dreamcast logos in real life Mr. Cutlack never saw fit to acknowledge my cyber ramblings,. so please fix it for me for this update to appear on NOT UKR so that I may get all the internet fame and groupies that come with such fame. Regards, Rolan.”Original video HERE. Rolan says ” The logo first appears around 1 minute 25 seconds in.”

Groupies have been posted to you Rolan, look out for a few packages in the coming days. Assembly required.