I have decided that the new posthumous Elliott Smith CD is so good and so important that I’d like to give a few people a free copy to help spread the word. I will provide up to 5 copies before I cut it off. It’s not first come, first served, it’s completely at my own arbitrary discretion, and here’s how it’s going to work:

Send me something that proves to my satisfaction that you are a songwriter. E-mail me an MP3 sample, send me a link to your website, or send me a tape or CD, and if I’m satisfied that you are seriously trying to make good sounds come out of something, I will ask Amazon.com to ship you a copy of From a Basement on the Hill absolutely free.

You also have to promise me that you will listen carefully to tracks 3 and 7.

My brother Kevin is ineligible because I’m getting him one for Christmas anyway, so the cat’s out of Santa’s bag on that one.

I’ve long been a firm believer that we should truly strive for “one man (sic), one vote,” but maybe this whole electoral college thing actually makes sense somehow, kinda like a good judge telling a bad jury that their verdict to hang the guy just doesn’t fly.

In our local paper this morning, there was a reply to a previous letter saying, “I can’t believe what’s-her-name says she won’t vote for Kerry because his wife told someone to ‘shove it,’ when we all know that Cheney told a US senator to ‘****’ himself, and Bush himself called a reporter an ‘a******.'”

Excuse me??? H-e-l-l-o-o-o, is this thing on? Is that your brain on drugs? What’s the matter with you people?

If you’re choosing my next president based solely on whether or not they said a word that you have to spell in asterisks, we don’t need for you to vote.

No, really. I’m serious.

Even some of my favorite commentators are getting sucked into these distractions. I mean, Doonesbury this week is focusing on the bulge in Bush’s jacket? Even Kerry is disappointing me by focusing all of his rhetoric on the missing 380 tons of high-power explosives. If 380 tons can suddenly turn up missing, just imagine how many other tons there must be!

I was putting together a “Top Ten Reasons I Won’t Be Voting for Bush” list, but The Nation has a great list they’ve compiled called 100 Facts and 1 Opinion, so I’m going to refer you there, but I’ll share my #1 reason: he didn’t win before!

MoveOn PAC has set up a form to volunteer to call voters in the swing states over the weekend. I’m not sure I can do this – I’m already calling people for our local Measure V three nights a week, so I’m about phoned out, but check it out!

For some reason, people are starting to find Asparagus Pee by searching for “Quattro&#153” and “5-blade razor” again, and the old link to The Onion article I think they’re really looking for has long since been moved into a subscription-only archive, so as a public service, I present this link to a completely illegal copy on somebody else’s site: Forget Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades – The Onion.