How can i overcome insecurities

How can one overcome fear of judgments? i am always so scared of how people are going to see me. mostly i am in my own head thinking to myself how stupid and hopeless i am and i feel like as if people can see through me which leads me to try so hard to cover that with niceness and fake smiles. also my emotional state is very unstable and now i am really starting to worry as its affecting my relationship with people.

There are certain judgments you fear...not every judgment...or at least there is a certain type of judgment you fear more than others, e.g. your physical appearance, your ability to socialize, etc.

Whatever you fear, recognizing you fear it is then addressed by scaffolding...taking small steps to deliberately place yourself in situations where those types of judgments will take place and recognizing the fears were not justified.

There are certain judgments you fear...not every judgment...or at least there is a certain type of judgment you fear more than others, e.g. your physical appearance, your ability to socialize, etc.

I am mainly concerned about my social skills , i don't know how to keep conversation going. i am scared before i even start talking because i am afraid that i will sound so boring and people will lose interest in what i have to say. not only that but i am always thinking that people are staring at me and judging me on how i am behaving and acting.

Is it because I want to appear in a way bigger than I really am, or I don't want to own up to who I really am?

because i feel like i am not good enough i tell myself to fake it. i am scared if people know who i really am, they will judge me so bad and abandon me. But the problem with faking is that one day i will appear so happy and the other day i will look sad, angry and unhappy for no apparent reason. when these happens, people don't know what to make out of this and they get very confused. i feel bad about that but cant help it. when i tried to be myself, i feel angry and sad so i fake being happy because i don't want people to see my really emotions.

I can understand Dizal. If you could commit 7-30 days of 30 minutes each to changing the internal stories you tell yourself, is that something you'd love to do to become a more confident, socially balanced person?

Dizal wrote:

dayosamuel wrote:Could you consider answering:

What gets me into pretending to people?

Is it because I want to appear in a way bigger than I really am, or I don't want to own up to who I really am?

because i feel like i am not good enough i tell myself to fake it. i am scared if people know who i really am, they will judge me so bad and abandon me. But the problem with faking is that one day i will appear so happy and the other day i will look sad, angry and unhappy for no apparent reason. when these happens, people don't know what to make out of this and they get very confused. i feel bad about that but cant help it. when i tried to be myself, i feel angry and sad so i fake being happy because i don't want people to see my really emotions.

Allow yourself to be aware of the thoughts when they occur but do not attach to them. When we attach to them we are identifying with them, and we unconsciously start to project these fears externally and then it gets reinforced by our environment.

Practice this mindfulness technique: imagine a snowflake, and then imagine this snowflake dissolving on a hot rock in summers day. This will allow you to see a thought rise and fall, so that we are not attaching to the thought.

Because your own identity is not fully developed by you, you are lacking confidence in yourself. And there is a fear inside of you that feels you will be scolded by someone if you speak up, and you will get in trouble. Then we start to internalize, and become very passive in our communication and go with what others expect from us so we will not be left.

If you can see there is an unconscious secondary gain, for us to internalize and continue this passive behavior, we believe it will protect us from getting in trouble and being left. And as you've grown this behavior has become painful and is no longer benefiting you.

Don't worry, this is a learned behavior from childhood and can be unlearned.

Below is a link to my free guidebook "setting your own expectations", this will help you to gain better clarity about yourself, and start the process for self-healing.

I am mainly concerned about my social skills , i don't know how to keep conversation going. i am scared before i even start talking because i am afraid that i will sound so boring and people will lose interest in what i have to say. not only that but i am always thinking that people are staring at me and judging me on how i am behaving and acting.

Hi Dizal. It sounds like you set yourself up to fail in social situations before you get there. You're constantly telling yourself things that make it very difficult for you to feel socially comfortable or socially confident. That must be very difficult to cope with with that extra pressure. Do you notice that pattern?

I used to have this exact insecurity too, and from time to time it creeps up to the surface.

but from what i learnt personal is that telling someone close to you about your fear of judgement can really help, they can give you their perspective of what they think of you. and letting them know will set yourself free. Trust me, you don't need the world to know, that one person that you confide in will make the biggest difference. When i felt like this and finally told my closest friends how I felt, i cannot tell you how much this changed my outlook in life and in myself.

Sometimes it is all just a mental game on yourself. in reality no one is really judging you on what you say or do. its all in the head.

because i feel like i am not good enough i tell myself to fake it.

NEVER fake it. be who you really are. when you start to fake it, others will get used to this fake personae your giving them, it turns into how they will always perceive you. . and when you finally give them your real self, that is when they will judge you the most.

Always Be yourself. If you feel like they aren't giving you your attention. then is it worth wasting your energy and attention to begin with ? are they worth your time?