The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree appeared to be the robber's first, due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms. A gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, covered by several customers who also drew their guns, thereby removing the confused criminal from the gene pool.

No one else was hurt.

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Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

May 17th, 2005, 1:29 pm

TheRealWags

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Bungee Jumper

(13 July 1997, Virginia) Eric A. Barcia, a 22-year-old Reston, VA resident, was found dead yesterday after he used bungee cords to jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.

The fast food worker taped a number of bungee cords together and strapped one end around his foot. Barcia had the foresight to anchor the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, and he even remembered to measure the length of the bungee cords to make sure that they were a few feet short of the 70 foot drop. He proceeded to fall headfirst from the trestle, and hit the pavement 70 feet below several seconds later.

Fairfax County police said "The stretched length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Perhaps the deceased fast food worker should have stuck to the line, "Do you want fries with that?"

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May 17th, 2005, 1:30 pm

TheRealWags

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Living on Zionist Time

5 September 1999, Jerusalem In most parts of the world, the switch away from Daylight Saving Time proceeds smoothly. But the time change raised havoc with Palestinian terrorists this year.

Israel insisted on a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time to accommodate a week of pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to live on "Zionist Time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. Nobody knew the "correct" time.

At precisely 5:30pm on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the explosions.

The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Saving Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. When they picked up the bombs, they neglected to ask whose watch was used to set the timing mechanism. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their untimely demises.

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Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

May 17th, 2005, 1:51 pm

TheRealWags

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Fatal Footsie

22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices.
Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard.

He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.

Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported

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Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

May 17th, 2005, 1:54 pm

TheRealWags

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Killer Shades

(17 September 2003, San Francisco, California) Barry Bonds had just made the last out at the bottom of the eighth inning. By coincidence, Todd Edward Adams, a Hawaiian surfer dude who had recently relocated to Santa Cruz for the gnarly waves at Maverick?s, was bumming the last beer from a new friend at the San Francisco Giants? ballpark at the same time.
Todd was leaning back over the railing of the Arcade port walk, getting to the ?bottom eighth? of a beer, when his Maui Jim* designer sunglasses slipped off the top of his head. Down they fell, landing twenty-five feet below, where a helpful bum picked them up and tried to toss them back. But it was too far! Todd called out that he was coming down to get them.

His wife, Kathy, described Todd as ?a passionate surfer? talented enough to turn pro. Perhaps his sense of physical prowess was his downfall. The agile 38-year-old briefly considered the long walk down, and then came up with an alternative. He climbed over the railing, jumped to perch on a light sconce five feet below, then dropped like Tarzan to the ground, gratefully reclaiming his shades from the bum.

At least, that was the plan, and the first part, climbing the railing, went fine. The second part was more problematic. Todd missed the sconce and ?came down like a pancake,? according to a startled observer a few feet from the point of impact. The crowd was shocked into silence. Why would anyone take such a chance for a pair of shades?

Todd would have been chagrined to hear the observer?s next words. ?They looked cheap,? he said, apologizing, ?I don?t know sunglasses brands.?

* Maui Jim sunglasses retail for as much as $200.

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Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

WHEATLEY, AR?Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.

Above: The scene of the idiotic accident.
"We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I mean, we're not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn't play their parts?but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit."

The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just north of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.

A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal, preventing it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."

Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his 13 years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.

"As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When you approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of illegal fireworks?well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."

Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often difficult for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an accident, the cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and pathetically obvious."

"See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a mere six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the vehicle doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and two leather belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway through the windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in one hand and an electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."

"The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd penciled in 'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After that, I spent a few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and shaking my head at what a dumbass this guy was."

Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of events, it appears that the driver?drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring plant?saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to accelerate and beat it to the intersection.

"I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons," Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proof Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest. Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a spot where the train tracks pass over the highway on their own bridge. Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the train approaching, veered off just before entering the underpass, and sent his truck into the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely begins to cover it, let's decide that it's an adequate description of the cause of death and leave it at that."

The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family, which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, the Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produces Everclear.

_________________"If he isn't the best football player, the best runner, that the Lord has ever made, then the Lord has yet to make one." Wayne Fontes on Barry.

May 24th, 2005, 10:00 pm

TheRealWags

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Thanks for sharing BSand, that is hilarious! Is this for real?!!? I can't believe that someone could be that stupid.

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Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

Thanks for sharing BSand, that is hilarious! Is this for real?!!? I can't believe that someone could be that stupid.

It is funny - but it's not real.

The Onion is all about satirical articles. Nothing in it is real although it's written to sound that way.

The Darwin awards are real stories however.

May 25th, 2005, 12:37 pm

TheRealWags

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Joined: December 31st, 2004, 9:55 amPosts: 12534

That's what I thought.......whew...there is still hope for the human race...maybe

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Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

May 25th, 2005, 1:00 pm

TheRealWags

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Joined: December 31st, 2004, 9:55 amPosts: 12534

Here's a new one........

LONDON (AP) - Two "Star Wars" fans were critically injured when they tried to replicate the light sabers used in the movie by filling glass fluorescent light tubes with fuel, police and a news report said Tuesday.
The pair, Mark Webb, 20, and an unidentified 17-year-old girl, were planning to make a video recording of a duel like those in the just-released blockbuster film "Star Wars: Episode III _ Revenge of the Sith," Britain's Press Association news agency said.

They were injured when one of the makeshift sabers exploded Sunday evening in the woods in Hemel Hempstead, north of London.

Hertfordshire Police said a third person present when the explosion happened had been questioned. The department said the two who were injured were in critical condition at a burns unit in Chelmsford, Essex.

"At this stage we are unable to confirm the exact circumstances, but glass tubes and traces of accelerant (flammable substance) were found at the scene," police said.

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Detroit vs. EverybodyClowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....