Wednesday 10: Smug Hardcore Gamer Quotes

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Because everybody loves a pretentious gamer, right?

By Levi Buchanan

Quick, you've been caught playing Professor Layton on the DS. Or you accidentally left your copy of Carnival Games out on the coffee table. Your hardcore gamer reputation is now hanging by a thread. Your next words could be the scissors that sever it forever. You need to think fast... and talk faster. These are serious gamers you're dealing with and you better say something that reminds them that you are the hardest of the hardcore. Do you mention you imported Cosmic Smash for the Dreamcast? No, that's too easy -- they did, too. How about claiming Sonic on the Neo Geo Pocket is superior to the Sonic games on the Nintendo DS? Getting warmer. Maybe asserting that an RPG without random battles is no RPG at all?

Perfect.

Everybody gets into these kinds of situations, where your gamer cred is threatened by little slip-ups like admitting you don't see what all the fuss is concerning Shadow of the Colossus. (Good luck recovering from that, pal. Grown men have been reduced to tears trying to walk that one back.) Or you find yourself in a group of people that only "think" they are hardcore, but just need somebody like you to show them that you are a real gamer... they are merely game players. Memorize these 10 smug gaming assertions and arguments and drop them like bombs when the time finally comes that your hardcore bona fides are on the line.

Japanese Voice Acting

"If a Japanese voice track is available, it must be listened to. You are already one layer away from the original writing, so why paper over more of the developer's vision by listening to American voice actors, which are atrocious by and large? Listening to the Japanese voice track is the only way to experience the real nuances of the game. Me? I have a good enough ear to differentiate a good Japanese voice actor from a bad one."

World of Warcraft Pity

"You're only at level 30? I'm capped. However, the real enjoyment in World of Warcraft is not the leveling. No, it's being able to help lesser players after you have acquired all of your gear. But don't worry. Lucky for you, they dropped mounts down to level 30, so you'll have a chance to finally get somewhere."

"I can see why you think Super Mario Bros. 3 is the superior entry in the 8-bit Mario series. It feels good to have so many people agree with you. But if you can get some proper perspective, you will understand that Super Mario Bros. 2 is the best of the trio. The dream world theme is an exciting Jungian alternative to the plebian task of saving the princess. However, if you really want to experience Super Mario Bros. 2 properly, you should import the game Nintendo ravaged to make it: Doki Doki Panic. No, playing it on an emulator does not count."

"No other game defines 'overrated' quite like Final Fantasy VII. The greatest RPG ever? Maybe if your trajectory toward it started at Spyro the Dragon. Square's desire to make the game accessible was its undoing. Accessible is just another word for shallow, which is what Final Fantasy VII fans are. Those of us who actually know something about videogames realize that Final Fantasy peaked with the Super Nintendo entries. Anybody that argues against IV and VI is just embarrassing themselves -- and videogames in whole."

Saturn vs. PlayStation

"I suppose I can see why you believe the PlayStation is a better machine than the Saturn, just as I can see why some people prefer 'Annie Hall' over 'Manhattan.' They've been told to. But the Saturn outpaces the PlayStation's 2D capabilities, which allowed developers not intoxicated by Sony's marketing to craft real games for, well, real gamers. Have you experienced the Japan-only Vampire Savior that required the RAM cartridge? All the evidence you need is in the animation for Morrigan's Darkness Illusion Flattener. Actually, I would go so far as to say hardcore gaming died with the Saturn."

"Grand Theft Auto III killed videogames. If you need it explained to you, then perhaps you should just leave this conversation and go browse the Lids at the mall."

Shmups are Real Shooters

"You downloaded Galaga Legions? I mean, it's a good shooter if you've never heard of Border Down or Guwange. But I like to actually push myself. You probably haven't heard of the bullet curtain sub-genre yet. But that's where the action is. This weekend, I'm going to dig into memorizing the patterns in Mushihime-sama. I bought a board of it for my cabinet at home because the PlayStation 2 port of it was ruined with an arranged mode. But you have fun with Galaga Lesions. I mean, Legions."

Japanese RPGs vs. Western RPGs

"Western-made RPGs lack the laser focus of Japanese RPGs, or JRPGs if you don't mind for the rest of this conversation. Handing over the decision-making process entirely to the player is fine for a title like Fallout 3, a game desperate to be loved by the Madden crowd. But a linear, mechanical JRPG is a true work of art. The designer should exert control over the experience, just as Pollack directed the globules of paint in his masterpieces. Just as those weren't random paint splotches, those monster encounters are not truly random battles. They are interludes required to condition you for appreciating the entirety of the vision."

Halo's Pistol

"Your complaint that the pistol in the original Halo was overpowered is essentially what brought down the entire series. Unfortunately, Bungie listened to people like you and changed its values. I understand you believe that made Halo 2 and Halo 3 more balanced multiplayer games, but you are indeed tragically wrong. The pistol was the dominant weapon in the original Halo, but because every player started with it, it made the game a truer test of skill. There is blood on your hands, sir."

...and the Wii Defense

"Real gamers appreciate the difficulty of achieving exact controls with the Wii Remote. Remember, this is a whole new world of gaming. Absolute precision should not be expected. Can a baby stack blocks perfectly the first time in the crib? No. And that is essentially what we are now: infants exploring a whole new world outside the comforts of the womb."

Load a few of these bon mots into that gun you call a mouth. And then let us know how they serve you in conversation in the comments below.