“Man, remember when the worst thing that happened was our President got a blowjob? And you know what, I’d vote for him again. Those were good days.” When you hear this, always cue the laughter, too, because somehow there’s always one person who hasn’t heard that terrible joke and unwise observation before. The deeper we dig into President Obama’s second term, the more I hear that poltical yearning, too, and from both sides of the equally absurd political spectrum, who each at this point hope to enjoy better days soon. Since America in the ‘90s was such an innocent and untroubled time—most of the bliss stemming from Clinton’s shaft—let’s see what bad humor tends to mask, shall we?

President Clinton, in all his sexual expetise and artistry, set the bar for being America’s financial district’s bitch by celebrating crony capitalism, which culminated in ’99 with his repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act—super-banks were what came from that, and the sub-prime mortgage crash soon followed. He also paved the way for George Bush to fill the housing bubble with bad air by requiring lenders to relax their rules for poorer, more economically deficient borrowers. Funny, it’s as if the Bush administration was an extension of Clinton’s, extraordinary rendition and all.

Ah, then there’s Kosovo. The Clinton administration embraced the ruination of thousands by arming, funding, and training the Kosovo Liberation Army—a group of sadists, all hungry for blood and corruption, while ignoring the Ibrahim Rugova—a passive and peaceful group of revolutionaries. Then, in an attempt to force Yugoslavia to comply with our demands for a NATO occupation force, the United States of America unapologetically bombed Yugoslavia's civilian infrastructure for seventy-eight days. Here’s a synopsis of what happened on the seventy-ninth day until today: Once we got our way and our troops occupied Kosovo, the KLA ran off virtually the entire Serb population, along with Jews, Gypsies, Turks, Bulgarians, and anyone else, including any Albanians who objected to their thuggish kleptocracy. Kosovo is now overrun with drug traffickers and forced prostitution, while the countryside is littered with unexploded cluster bombs and radioactive uranium shells. Today, the killing continues.1

Clinton had ambition, though. He had a cat named NAFTA, and it was groomed to be a beautiful beast. The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) was crafted to allow free trade between the US, Canada, and Mexico, all to create jobs for America, boost Mexico’s economy, and give conspiracy theorists enough ammo for two decades. NAFTA, in two months, though, created a trade deficit of $132 billion, and in 2011, the Economic Policy Institute estimated the agreement had cost America nearly 700,000 jobs. Embracing the green agenda, Clinton’s NAFTA also added a staggering amount of air pollution on the US/Mexico border, which experts estimated would cost $15 billion to clean up.

People who vote Democrat really just want the party to come along, because soon enough they will, right? In hopes of a progressive government, people continue to vote regressively and hold President Clinton as an FDR-like god, only Clinton didn’t put Japanese people in camps. If President Obama’s opinion of equal marriage is only newly evolved, then Bill Clinton’s must be as depraved as they come—possibly of Fred Phelps proportions. Enter DOMA, The Defense of Marriage Act, which was a piece of legislation that legally defined marriage as the union of one man and one woman. It was specifically designed to stop homosexual couples from accessing the 1,000-plus federal rights people could screw to. DOMA was nothing but a law that ensured that not everyone was equal before the law, and President Bill Clinton signed it, then issued a statement about how was certainly wasn’t taking part in bigotry, only attaching his name to it. Being such a great man, he also compromised his beliefs for political currency with the GOP by signing the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Act of 1993.

How are these few things ignored? Granted, there are others—corporate welfare with the Telecommunications Act of ’96, a smoldering aspirin factory, sanctions against Iraq, and most bleeding hearts who I know are still torn up over the idea of African genocide, but President Clinton sure wasn’t, his inaction is evident of his indifference. How is a man’s presidency pureed into one sexual act? That’s the power of the blowjob, I guess.

And about that blowjob: If you think about it and wax poetically about a better time in America—a time when the bland and platitudinous most powerful man in the world was innocent until sucked off—then what you really miss, what you really yearn for, is a time when an important man—the pinnacle of all men—had no problem releasing himself into the lowliest, most unimportant citizen in his country—an intern. If you miss Bill Clinton, all you miss is nothing but a fucked up America.