I couldn't get my cello tuned so I wrote this instead

HEY I decided to write a blog about some stuff. Feelings and whatnot. Reading it now, after I finished, it turned out pretty introspective and teenagery, but if you still wanna read it, go ahead._________________________________________________________________________________Today I checked out one of my favorite blogs, Hyperbole and a Half(you should read it, it's awesome). The article on the main page right now is pretty inspiring, from a depressive's point of view- not the part about the hate for oneself, but the ending. Also, sometimes you just need a reaffirmation that other people have the same problems you do.

Sometimes, though, when you get reminded about other people's problems it just brings you back to yours. I was talking to Dewmann on the chat the other day, and we talked about some issues that he and I have both had, and it made me really frikkin' sad. Sometimes, it's hard to remember that it's not the same everywhere.

Nobody can help who their family is. I know this, and you know this. But when you have some screwed up stuff happening in your childhood, who can you blame? Not your family, because you love them. They try and do right by you. Since you don't really know anybody else, and since you're just a kid, you think it's your fault. Maybe you did something wrong, maybe you didn't do something. You should've kept your room clean, been nicer to your brother, not asked for that candybar.

Over time, you start to forget about the individual events that made those feelings show up. Occasionally you'll flashback to them and start to freak out a bit. But once you've established a thought pattern it's hard to give it up. In the back of your head there's a voice telling you that you've screwed up somehow- and when new bad stuff happens, you have an explanation ready. But wait! Flashforward to present day, and there's other people in your family who went through the same stuff. Maybe one or two of them even think that they're to blame for the bad stuff. So when one of you breaks down because of stress, or depression, or anything really, then the others will think it's because of stuff they've done.

It's kind of self perpetuating, that way.

The reason I'm writing this is because that happened today- my sister broke down after something I said brought on a flashback from what I like to call the "old days", which weren't that long ago- back when my siblings and I were all still children, but in a house where anyone could erupt into rage or tears at any time, we were pretty warped from a moral standpoint. She flipped out and started crying inconsolably, and I felt bad. How bad, you say? Real bad. But here's the thing- it wasn't my fault! I didn't do anything wrong.

It's certainly true that I spend a lot of time depressed. There's all kind of things I could have, from Dysthymia to Manic-depression. There's genetic precedents for everything in my family. Knowing any of that doesn't make me feel any better, although when armed with the knowledge of why something is happening, you often feel better about facing it down(which, incidentally, is why SCPs are so often frightening to us). The reason depression is so scary is because it's in your head, and you can't come out of it unless it lets you. There is always the knowledge that someday it's going to go on for a little too long, until your brain chemistry ensures that you never come out again. As far as I know no one has ever actually gone mad from depression- but many have tried(and generally succeeded, in a sense) to suicide their way out of it. Logic doesn't work when you're depressed. Nothing seems to work, really.

Luckily, there are always choices to be made. There's always tomorrow and the next day to do something new. When it's really, really hard for you to forgive yourself for the things you've done, you can at least work yourself towards being a better person. There's a whole future to play around in, so why hang around all the places you've already been to?

I'm not even sure if you're still with me at this point, but you guys are always really good to me. With the help of all my friends at the Treehouse, I've built up some self-esteem and learned to think about people besides myself. Even though this whole blog was kind of bitter and masturbatory, the point is I don't have to do this all the time any more! And it's refreshing to think that when I do get all maudlin and morose there's some people who will put up with my bullshit for a while.

My intention with this was not to freak you out, I promise. And I still feel bad that in light of everything that I know you guys have got going on, I'm on here whining about how hard life is("The worst thing that has happened to you in three days is tearing the spout on your chocolate milk"). I genuinely appreciate your friendship.