Thursday, July 26, 2012

When Hobbies Attack: Testing 1,2,3

Yesterday was a beautiful day in New York City, so I decided to head down to the Union Square Greenmarket to buy some fresh locally-grown herbs since I enjoy nothing more than preparing lavish meals in the chef's kitchen of my loft apartment. Leashing up Lassie, I picked up some heirloom tomatoes and some cilantro. On the way back home, the sidewalk was a bit crowded, but fortunately the city has recently installed these big wide "auxiliary sidewalks" just for people like me:

(Lassie and me on the way home from the Greenmarket, as photographed by one of those two-wheeled menaces.)

Sockless and happy, I bounded along in my loafers, savoring all that extra elbow room. Unfortunately, these entitled cyclists seem to think the "auxiliary sidewalks" are "bike lanes," just because they have pictures of bicycles painted on them and have big signs that say "bike lane" right next to them at every corner. Still, I refuse to cede an inch. Instead, I just keep walking and stare the cyclists down from behind my Ray-Bans, and then vent my frustration by leaving angry comments on cycling-related articles in the New York Times.

New York City, NY (FPRC), July 25th , 2012 – Following the news of positive drug tests at the 2012 Gran Fondo New York, the Champion System p/b Stan’s NoTubes cycling team has pledged a $5,000 donation to the CRCA with the stipulation that the money be used to fund a testing program.

“The cost of testing is very expensive, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for inaction. We would like to see testing at CRCA events and we’re ready to help fund this,” said managing director Igor Volshteyn. “While we are disappointed by the recent news, we believe the stark reality highlighted by these positive tests is exactly what we need to finally mobilize our community and take firm and decisive action against doping together… something we frankly should have done a long time ago.”

New York City's amateur bike racers have long been on the forefront of taking themselves seriously and so this is the logical next step. Sure, testing a bunch of hobbyists for performance-enhancing drugs is a lot like calling the IRS to audit your Monopoly games, but when you've already got the equipment and the uniforms and the coaching programs and the high-definition finish line camera for the race where you win a turkey and you've upgraded every single component it's possible to upgrade then buying yourself a comprehensive drug testing program is really all that's left. In any case, to my knowledge this is the furthest any amateur racing club has inserted its helmet up its own posterior, which puts them deep in uncharted "waters"--though it should all be worth it when the person who places third in the "B" race tests positive for THC.

Of course, if you don't want to join a bicycle riding club that requires you to pee-pee in a cup and notify them when you leave town for vacation, you can always take part in rides like the "Bicycle Blitz Through Staten Island"--which I'd never even heard from until I received an email that it had been cancelled due to exhaustion:

SORRY GANG. We just dont have the energy to pull this one off. Stay tuned for the next free tour coming up in august - the Bike the Boro Border Bike Ride!

But while it's one thing to make light of doping amateurs, there are other aspects of cycling that deserve more serious treatment, and to underscore that seriousness I ask that you please listen to the theme song from the 1983 film "Terms of Endearment:"

Damn that Flap, he didn't know what he had until it was gone!

Anyway, the serious cycling subject I'm referring to is the bicycle cycling road cycling bicycle race of the Games of the XXX Olympiad:

Now, I don't believe in policing the comments section of this blog. However, yesterday I couldn't help noticing some disrespectful references to the parcours, such as this one:

McFly said...

Has anyone taken a glance at the Olympic Route Map? They go through a place called Bushy Park, Dorking, and Box Hill. I predict very high attrition in that race. Major abandonment.

July 25, 2012 1:23 PM

Firstly, off-color sexual references are an affront to the spirit of the Olympic Games, which began over 2,000 years ago when a bunch of muscular Greek men decided to run around naked together. Secondly, it is wrong to mock the host nation and laugh at its culture, even if their ways are quaint and backwards and seems incredibly silly to us. The fact is that English culture is dozens of years older than our own, and to laugh at their place names is to reveal your ignorance. So let's take a little tour around the race route and set a few things straight:

1) "Box Hill" is not British slang for the female mons pubis;
2) "Leatherhead" is not a cruising spot for men who are into "rough trade;"
3) "Headley Heath" has nothing to do with Heath Ledger's character "Brokeback Mountain;"
4) "Dorking" is a place, not a verb, and the "Dorking cockerel" is not in any way lewd. All it is is a statue of a big, fat cock:

Most importantly, please refrain from making throat-clearing sounds when the announcers refer to the feed zone in Bushy Park, or from laughing when Fofonov "gets off" in Woking to "answer the call of nature."

"XXX Olympiad" indeed.

Anyway, if we keep all of these things in mind, we may just be able to keep a straight face until the very last rider crosses the line in Vaginae or wherever it is they finish. After all, nobody's more dignified than the British, which is why Bradley Wiggins only issues forth tasteful Tweets like this:

Even in 2012, it's good to see that cycling remains a wanking working man's sport.

Snobby, I love your commentary on the NYC bike lanes... er, "Lassie lanes". I am a mild-mannered middle-aged drudge working at a mid-town office job. I commute by bike mostly because it's the only way I've found to pry myself out of doors for at least a small portion of the day. Plus, I like riding a bike.

Anyway, since the marquee bike lanes have come arrived on 1st & 2nd Aves, I don't know whether to love 'em or hate 'em. They are so full people wandering around, cluelessly stepping off the sidewalk, or just crowding the lane while waiting for the light to change that I often just avoid them altogether, instead opting to ride in traffic. Which is fine, I guess, but it defeats the purpose of bike lanes and reinforces the insane but apparently captivating idea that they are just extended sidewalks in the first place.

This morning, though, on my ride into work I came across some poor sod who had been stopped by NYPD --- they were in the process of writing him a ticket for not riding in the bike lane. And on the very next block there was a truck squarely blocking the lane, and of course the usual people wandering too and fro, drinking their Red Bulls and yacking on cell phones....

Anyway, thanks for a great post. But please never ask me to listen to the theme to "Terms of Endearment" again.

On the subject of the Olympic road race, I have given extensive study to both the routemap and the startlist, and this particular course is ideally suited for the unique talents of Turkey's Ahmet Akdylek.

Re Lassie Lanes: I've noticed people in Central Park deliberately walking in the relocated westbound bike lane on the 72nd cross-over (which is pretty close to the middle of the road)because, it seems to me, they think they have too. Maybe they were ticketed by the NYPD for walking on the sidewalk. And don't get me started on the joggers or should I say jigglers?

Anon 1:06, I seem to recall, from what little I read about my local Fondo(s), you can sign up as a pro or a Fred. If the pro's are being tested, fine. If the Fred's are being tested too, Snob's onto something. But I'm too clean to check too, so let the speculation continue.

Sounds like you may be on a private/corporate network. Yes? The images all work fine, but some link out to a separate site that may not be allowed by your proxy settings.

It's either the nature of the site (in which case, you're being screwed by the man), or the nature of the link (in which case, you're screwing with your own head by the browser options you've allowed).[/nerd]

Also, it makes me feel a bit better about living in the midwest when I see random shots of NY streets and they look just as schlubby. Although, maybe those pictured are just tourists from the midwest; however, so are some NYers.

It means that Bradley is good at doing impressions of people. He doesn't even need to impersonate someone's voice in one case; presumably he is catching the mannerisms accurately.British humour - lost on Yanks again...

That bike lane pictured is on Broadway in the teens. Pre-bike lanes, it was a bike super-highway. The mayor's plan is to slow cars and bikes, but the pedestrians need to get with the program. Obey the traffic laws! You self-centered walking zombies!

Hey I actually won that Central Park turkey in 1980 and was damn proud to bring it back to my folks that afternoon. I had just turned 14 and won the turkey in the Junior category race, age 15-17. Fuck it, I'm still proud of that minuscule victory.

But here in Old Amsterdam we also have to contend with people stepping into bike lanes. They're called "tourists" and they sometimes get mowed down by packs of child portaging moms on omafietsen. Then they get yelled at for getting in the way.

Folks who walk in NY bike lanes should be sentenced to walking a block in an Amsterdam bike lane. They'll be cured of the habit. They might even develop a bike bell phobia.

I shall be riding my British built brompton folding bicycle through the quiet streets of Esprick which is a lovely Northern English village. You wanks, sorry, I mean yanks should google it. It really exists. The locals are not known as pricks I hasten to add!

"New York City, NY (FPRC), July 25th , 2012 – Following the news of positive drug tests at the 2012 Gran Fondo New York, the Champion System p/b Stan’s NoTubes cycling team has pledged a $5,000 donation to the CRCA with the stipulation that the money be used to fund a testing program."

"Sure, testing a bunch of hobbyists for performance-enhancing drugs is a lot like calling the IRS to audit your Monopoly games," Yup, why the hell does an amateur ride need this ? It's amateur ... anyone cheating is an idiot, but, well, who cares ?

Why do amateurs dope?Why do amateurs take viagra?Because it fucking feels good to hammer like you're 19 years old. It's as simple as that.Winning isn't part of the equation. It just feeeels good. Trust me. It feels really good to be young again.

Bruce, yeah, and you were a good bass player and all, and didn't look too stupid in those skinny jeans, but I was the one with all the talent.Oh, and I was rocking Fred Perry shirts long before a certain Mr Wiggins.

Last thing? Never! What about purchasing medical advice and masking agents to beat the doping control? The cross country tour with a lawyer explaining why your positive result was wrong? The fundraising!!!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!