Monday, 2 June 2014

It's not the end...yet

I was surprised by how much blood was gushing out of my heart. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, like when you try to wake up from a nightmare except that I was waking up to the nightmare. Three o'clock. I decided to get up.

I found a note pad and started writing. It took a while to get my thoughts in order but I only wrote down what absolutely had to be said. Seven o'clock. I headed out with the letter in an old, unused envelope. I wanted to get something from the store. A flower maybe (yes, cheesy but I was going all out on this). But I forgot the stores didn't open until ten on a Sunday...and I didn't want to wait.

The sun was shining but the residential street was still empty. Rob's bedroom curtains were still drawn so I knew he was still in bed. I walked up to the door as quietly as possible but his dog heard the footsteps and started barking. So I left the envelope in front of the door and walked away.

When I got home I tried to get some sleep again. There was nothing else to do. Church was definitely out of the question. My stomach was growling but I didn't want to eat. I felt like a zombie without purpose. I was ready to call in sick at work. I had never imagined that at the age of 25, I could still be in such a state because of someone. I was close to having a breakdown. What the fuck.

I was drifting in and out of sleep and making meaningless groaning noises like a proper psychiatric patient. He should have read it by now. He is not going to talk to me. Every minute felt like an hour because of the pain. At midday, my phone buzzed. I jumped up to read his message.

Hey Ethan, you are so sweet. This is nothing to do with anything you have said or anything you might have done. The L word as you put it came as a surprise but I'm old enough to deal with that :) You are a wonderful person well mannered, clever, polite, and bring a smile to my face every time I see you. Apologies for ignoring you. Please don't worry. I have a lot going on and I just need a little time to deal with some issues. I will explain soon. I'm probably going to go up to Scotland for a few days later in the week but will keep in touch. I hope that is ok. Feel free to message and I promise I will reply. Rob x

It takes guts to say what you know and feel. Being in love is both amazing and terrifying all at once. Just watch your heart. This may not be an easy road but it may be worth it. I hope you have a good conversation with him about everything.

Thanks Shane and Jack. We haven't spoken since this post. Didn't he say he'd keep in touch?

It's clear now that he is a selfish knob who doesn't care. But every time I think about what we've been through over the last two years, I still (stupidly) think there is hope.

I have been on edge every day since this post. I want to text him although I know I should just leave. I couldn't concentrate at work, at gym or at swimming. If he wants to string me along for sex, I'm ok with it. I just want to fall back into the false sense of a relationship again so I can function as a human.

I am SO felt for you after reading this post because I am exactly on the same boat as you with Peter Pan except he is not entirely ignoring me and yet there are so many questions I want to find out from him regarding us.

Some days I feel better while others I feel like shit. And just like you, it is not the fact that I want him to fall in love with me because I know that will never happen (as he said) but it is more I want to go back to where we were before in a 'false sense of relationship' so that I can function better.

The thing is, we have come a long way and I do believe there is a connection (not necessary love) between us and, being stubborn and ignorance, I still think this is not the end although not all my friends agreed on that.

Honestly, if I could give Peter Pan one thing in life, I would give him the ability to see himself through my eyes, only then would he realizes how special he is to me...