Search This Blog

Have You Been Planted?

At some point in my life, I believe in Kindergarten, (when I was first bullied) I became insecure. I felt alone, out-casted and I began to believe the lies, and feel unaccepted. My parents never knew about it, I didn't tell them cause A.) I had no idea I had become insecure. And B.) I was too embarrassed to tell them. Therefore, they weren't able to give me that extra security and affirmation, I desperately needed.

There are several types of insecure people, the ones who show it, (Theyre normally pretty obvious.) and there’s the ones who DON'T show it. And those are the tough ones to spot out, because they pretend to be super confident….However inside it’s a different story. That was me.

I remember looking at my older sister, (who battled her own “demons”) and wishing I was “pretty” like her. I didn't like myself growing up, I was a bit awkward looking as a child. I didn't know how to tame my hair, how to dress, (although I thought I did) nor how to tweeze, apparently.. But I had this false sense of security that I would project. And it worked, I don't know how it did, but it did...At least I think it did, cause no one ever called me out on it. That is until a friend of mine discovered my facade, and I'm so glad she did. I was oblivious to the fact that I was doing it. Please don't judge me, I'm being totally vulnerable here. But I was THAT girl. Yup...The one who would see another pretty girl and dissect her to find any and every flaw! YUCK! Sounds horrifying!

But many women do it, and live their entire lives NEVER even realizing that they’re doing it. I just happen to be one of the lucky ones, cause I realized it at an early age. Many aren’t so lucky, and unfortunately, it only gets worse with age.

For me it got bad, really bad. I was married at the age of 18 to my “highschool sweetheart” and quickly found out he was addicted to pornography. That played a whole role in nurturing my insecurity until it progressed into a full grown “monster!” By the age of 22, I was divorced (A good thing) and that’s when the healing process began.

I’m so grateful that I had a friend, and true friend, brave enough to call me out my “ugly green monster” causing me to examine myself and change.

But it makes me wonder, how many woman go through their entire lives without ever realizing they themselves are harboring an ugly green monster? Living with insecurity, low self esteem and ultimately without joy. Its an awful life to live.

I see it all the time. Now it’s easy for me to spot it in others, I can sense it a mile away. And honestly, I choose to love those people through it but it’s hard! It’s hard to love people who are constantly “competing” with you, or trying to “bring you down to their level”. But If you don’t compete with anyone, no one can compete with you!

Think about it, if nothing can affect you..No matter how mean, heartless, cruel or evil the lies, may be....Then the one’s saying it will never be able to “compete” with you, you’re untouchable! You see, confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you're better than everyone, prettier, or having to have all eyes on you. Confidence is not having to compare yourself, not needing to be the best, or not caring if anyone is looking.

Those years of insecurity in my adolescence were hard, ugly and plain dark...But I learned so much from them, and I’m so grateful to have gone through them,

“Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted” ~~Christine Caine