Letters I'll Never Send

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W,
I don’t know how I feel about you anymore. Tomorrow is 6 months from the last time I saw you, and 5 days after that is 6 months from the last time I talked to you, that horrible night when your facebook status changed from “single” to “in a relationship” and the girl wasn’t me. On the phone, all you would say was that you were sorry and you should have told me. You didn’t even know the last time you saw me that anything was going on with another girl.

Still, I’d been feeling distance from you before then. I should have known August wouldn’t come like I’d wanted it to. The plan was we’d be in the same place in August, and we could finally be together. At least, you said so last February. But you’d hurt me before, so I went forward with caution. Thank goodness I did, because I can’t imagine how crushed I would have been if I hadn’t been constantly telling myself August might not come. I never want to feel that hurt again.

Anyway, that’s not the reason I’m writing this. I’m more concerned with how I feel now. School started, and I was terrified that I’d run into you. Luckily, I haven’t so far. However, I still don’t feel quite over you. I don’t know why, but I still haven’t gone a whole day without thinking about you. I imagine how I’d react if I were to run into you. Would I smile and say hi? Would I throw my drink in your face? Ignore you? I don’t know.

The problem is I don’t know how I feel. I’m not really hurting anymore, but I don’t know if I’m completely healed. I’ve never hated you. I know you always thought I should, and you probably think I finally do, but I don’t. But it’s not for your benefit. It’s just that hating you is still a form of caring, and I just want to be completely done with you. I want to feel indifferent. I want to not care about you at all. Still, I’m not quite there. I still worry that I might run into you. I still worry that doing so will bring up those emotions again.

I don’t even remember why it was always only you that I wanted. I don’t want you anymore. I’m sure of that, but I still can’t quite move on. I haven’t dated anyone else yet, but that really has nothing to do with you. I guess because I’ve only ever dated you, I can’t quite get over you yet. I don’t know. Anyway, please get out of my head.

Sincerely,
The girl who was afraid to admit even to herself that she loved you