Pages

Syndicate

Meta

This was almost the last episode of the show, basically I decided to kill Hagan at the end of season 2 and not bring her back if I wasn’t signed up by Channel Awesome (TGWTG at the time), Id worked hard on the show but wasn’t getting the numbers that’d make it worth continuing. Luckily for the 6 people who like the show they signed me up not long after I finished the script, so Hagan went on her Quantum Leap adventures before returning for season 3.

HAGAN ON THE PHONE (Looks to the audience as if to say gimme a sec)

HAGAN: I want their cocks cut in two and then felated. In that order. Okay, mum. Bye and give my loathing to the sultan.

Turns to camera.

Hagan: greetings gentle viewers! As is traditional.. even though it usually needs to happen more than twice for it to be a tradition.. as this is the last slot of the series I’m reviewing a kids movie. Biggle adventures in time.

Clip- over biggles stuff.

Hagan vo: brief history lesson. Biggles is a classic British literary adventure character. The closest thing to american equivalent would be flash Gordon. Here he has the ‘honour’ of playing second fiddle in his own movie. He’s a mix of classic British ‘whatwhat’ upper class toff and complete badass in the sort of way that was fairly common in fiction until about 50 years ago.

HAGAN: Biggles is a classic character even though he is a lot less popular than he once was.

Hagan vo: Over about 150 books he fought in pretty much every British war or engagement between world war 1 and the late 60’s and like all good british characters he managed to kill several thousand foreigners along the way. If your familiar with the name the chances are its not because of the books but because you’ve seen monty python sketches like this.

Clip- python.

Hagan: the pythons loved them some biggles. So with that out of the way, prepare yourself for Biggles: adventures in time!

Clip- into

HAGAN VO: Like all films set in modern London and France in 1917 we open on the skyline of New York.

Hagan: at least the theme music is awesome.

Clip- theme. Hero.

Hagan dances.

Clip- theme. Hero.

Cartoon hero hears something very far away.

Cartoon hero (listens): …. nah….

Hagan vo: so in new York we see a guy in a red jacket being stalked in a dark alley by peter cushing.

Clip- star wars.

Hagan vo: yes that peter cushing.

Hagan: yes. that peter cushing.

Hagan vo: its not enough that its dark, the guys alone, being followed by a horror icon and there’s a fucking black cat there! they also felt the need to add OMINOUS MUSIC!

Clip- suspense music.

Hagan: that’s the sort of thing you hear in a poorly made friday the 13th sequel…

clip- knock know.

Hagan vo: ok with this build up. This better be good.

Clip- are you alright?

Hagan: they hire an iconic horror actor, give him a scary theme, have him follow a man home at night past a black cat and then they have him ask if the guys alright…. CMON! THIS GUY BLEW UP ALDERAAN!

Clip- talking.

Hagan vo: but he’s not finished there. Oh no.

clip- have you got the correct time?

Hagan: apart from bonekickers that was the worst build up to payoff ratio ever. At least the build up was short this time.

Clip- in room.

Hagan vo: so the guy, Jim Ferguson played by Alex Hyde white who you might not remember from this.

clip- fantastic four. Roger corman.

Hagan: heh. That was funny because he thought it was a real movie.

Clip- speech.

Hagan vo: because its the 80’s Ferguson works for a TV dinners company or something and he’s writing a speech.

Clip- speech. LIGHTNING.

HAGAN: God no like your writing, Ferguson.

Clip- sent back in time.

Hagan vo: so Ferguson is struck by lightning and finds himself standing in a muddy field.

Hagan: I must remember this next time I climb a lightning rod during a storm.

Hagan vo: and he sort of stands there until a plane almost crashes on him.

Clip- hello, lend a hand.

Hagan: oh hello British understatement!

Hagan vo: this is neil dickson star of a certain series about a she-wolf in london loved by a she-wolf in arizona. And he’s playing the titular biggles.

Hagan: this might be a mind bending experience, in most films the upper class, British guy is the wussy baddy. In this he’s the badass who could probably take down an entire army by himself.

Clip-

hagan vo: anyway Ferguson helps biggles free from his plane and they run while the plane is blown up.

Hagan: I should probably mention that we’re In 1917 now. Because lightning does that. Watch.

MINION2: Mistress, one of our agents found this letter in the archives of a museum. Its from 1917.

HAGAN takes letter. Reads.

HAGAN: (Reading) ‘Its cold in the past and I want to go home- love, minion bob’

Hagan hands MINION2 a weapon.

HAGAN: Take this and kill him.

MINION2 is struck by lightning. Vanishes.

Hagan goes back to review

HAGAN: Now that he’s in the past…

MINION 3 enters.

MINION3: Mistress, we have uncovered another letter in the museum. Its says that ‘Minion Bob and I have decided to get married and live in guam.’

HAGAN: 1917. well their probably dead by now. Nuke Guam anyway. Now! How did I have a time travel lighting strike indoors? Aleister will explain.

ALEISTER: Hello ladies.
Look at your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
Now back to your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
He’s not me.
But wearing a hat like this he could look like me.
Look at your boyfriend who doesn’t look like me.
Now back to me.
(BEARD) Iv grown a beard.
Look at your boyfriend.
Has he grown a beard?
no. but if he had grown a beard he could look like me.
Look at my hand
(DOES FINGER) i has fingers.
Does your boyfriend have fingers?
Look at your boyfriend.
Now back to me.
I’m fucking basil.
He’s in America and I’m not
how am I doing that?
Because I’m me.

HAGAN: Hope that clears everything up.

Clip- run off boom.

Hagan vo: so the Germans who are miles away blow up the plane in one shot… somehow… and Ferguson hands biggles his company card and biggles assumes he’s an American soldier.

Hagan: 34th pizza making airborne.

Clip

Hagan vo: so the Germans bomb Ferguson and this sends him

clip- BACK. TO THE FUTURE!

HAGAN: Note to self. Bombing people sends them into the future. And based on how many people iv bombed I should be scared.

Clip- next day

hagan vo: so the next morning Ferguson goes into work and discovers that a fat guy working for him is trying to add the softest of soft-core 80’s pg rated porn to the cover of a new line of TV dinners that their doing. Because when people want crappy, easy to cook food they also want PORN!

Hagan: and I love the distracting random arnie cut-out in the background.

Cliop- looks almost good enough to eat. Looks fantastic. Takes a bite.

Hagan vo; and peter cushing is back, having got past security and standing around in his black hat with his ominous soundtrack. He begins questioning Ferguson about what happened, he knows that he went back in time but doesn’t know if he saved biggles.

Hagan: which is dumb because if Ferguson didn’t save biggles and changed the time-line then peter cushings memories would have been changed too and he’d know already that biggles died. But if biggles died then peter cushing wouldn’t have met Ferguson to help him go back in time to help biggle but if peter cushing hadn’t met Ferguson them history would have been…

clip- austin powers. Oh look iv gone cross eyed.

Clip- talking.

Hgan vo: so peter cushing asks about the camera on biggles plane. It was destroyed in the explosion. So cushing tells him that he’s going to be sent back in time again because he knows that his mission in the past includes making sure biggles gathers reconnaissance on a new German super-weapon.

QUANTUM LEAP PARODY

DUB (lupa?)- trying to write a speech alone in his apartment one night, Jim ferguson was struck by lightening… and vanished.

He found himself in the past, facing a british man with a face that was not his own and driven by a unknown force to keep history the way it always was by way of a pre-destination paradox. His only guide on his journey is peter cushing, an iconic horror actor from his own time that everyone can see and hear. And so Ferguson finds himself jumping forward and backwards in time, doing what peter cushing says and hoping that his next leap… will be the end of the film..

CLIPS AND MUSIC AND STUFF.

Clip- cushing.

Hagan vo: so who is peter cushing? how does he know about what’s going on? Why is he being followed by his own villainous soundtrack? He only answers one of these questions.

Clip- name

HAGAN VO: He then leaves, telling ferguson to look him up in london before he’ll tell him anything more.

Hagan: why? No I’m serious. Why? Peter cushing… why?

Hagan vo: I know why the film needs him to be in London, biggles is a British literary institution and not having London appear in his film would be like doing the wizard of oz and not featuring Kansas.

pic- the wiz.

Hagan; oh fuck off!

Hagan vo: why do you need to him to be in London to tell him more info? Did you only pay for 2 nights at the hotel? I sure Ferguson would let you crash on his floor if you told him exactly what’s going on.

Hagan vo: so that night at the launch of the new tv dinners, some guest woman notices the bite taken out of a piece of chicken by the fat guy. I notice that he took the bite first thing in the morning and its now evening and the food is currently so warm its steaming. Indicating the fat guy took a bite out of a raw chicken leg. Ferguson then gets struck by lightening again and finds himself in the past.

Hagan: indoor lightning in front of witnesses, what do you want to bet no one goes to the media?

Hagan vo: so Ferguson is in the back of biggles plane and we get the first look at our villain!

Hagan: recognise him?

Hagan vo: replace the coat with armour and a sword. this dear nerds is Marcus Gilbert. More famous for the roles of king arthur in army of darkness and ansylin one of the king arthurs knights in the classic dr who serial battlefield.

Hagan: I think that makes him the worlds only Arthurian actor.

Hagan vo: gilberts basically the red baron but in a white plane.

HAGAN: Or ‘the white baron’. Racist cuntrag.

Hagan vo: then we get the least appropriately scored world war 1 dogfight in film history.

Clip- fight. With music.

Clip- shoot back at him.

Clip- indiana jones last crusade. I’m sorry son they got us.

Hagan vo: funny to think that just 3 years earlier their idea of an aerial dogfight was to fly over each other and drop bricks.

Clip- fight.

Hagan vo: so biggles outflies the white baron and he sends a signal for the germans to use their secret weapon.

Hagn: why they didn’t they do that earlier….

clip- secret weapon.

Clip- death star.

Clip- flying

hagan vo: so they get a photo just before the germans fire the weapon which looks like stock footage of some sort of a radar even though there was no radar at this point, it makes a laser sound effect but fires nothing.

Confused hagan is confused.

Clip- fires. Camera shakes.

Hagan: oh my god, their making the camera shake!

Camera shakes.

HAGAN: no. Stop that.

Clip-

hagan vo:so they climb above the range of the blast, the camera for no logical reason possible decides to try and slide off the wing so biggles goes to save it, handing Ferguson the controls.

CLIP- FERGUSON ON CONTROLS.

BLACKADER- MAJOR STAR. BALDRICK IN PLANE.

CLIP- ill take over now.

CLIP- This is bad comedy.

Hagn vo: so they land and ferguson falls out of the plane and finds himself

clip- back. To the future!

Hagan vo: where he runs off to london and i’m convinced that at least one of the guests should sell the story of the indoor lightning, disappear-reappear covered in soot guy to the weekly world news.

Hagan: actually that’s too weird for them. photos of heaven is one thing but that…

hagan vo: so cushing explains that he was biggles commanding officer and was given info by biggles about ferguson.

Hagan: in most films young peter cushing would have been a character. Not this one. Probably for the best really….

clip- revenge of sith. Young grand moff tarkin.

Hagan: ah who am I kidding. Peter cushing was born elderly!

Pic- baby with peter cushings face. I think you overestimate their chances.

Hagan vo; anyway ferguson doesn’t believe him.

Clip- time travel is not unknown in history.

Clip- the doctor in various time periods.

Hagan vo so peter cushing starts asking questions that he should already know the answers to because this is a fucking pre-destination paradox and then cushing gives him a ww1 uniform and a bunch of authentic era weaponry so to blend in next time he finds himself in the past. unfortunately the fact that his authentic ww1 weapons includes an uzi is never addressed.

HAGAN: Which is a real pity because what the fuck?!

Hagan Vo: peter cushing wasn’t just expecting Ferguson but has a room rented for him at the hotel near his house.

Hagan: Clearly peter cushing is a dick who could well afford to stay in new york but chose to make ferguson come halfway across the world for the lols. Well played peter cushing.

Hagan vo: Also, he already has a room rented?! I think peter cushing belongs to the same league of extraordinarily rich weirdos as those fuckheads in emmanualle 4.

clip- new york

hagan vo: meanwhile back in new york

clip- dont know why he acted like this. Psychosis trauma.

Hagan vo: side effects include indoor lightning strikes, vanishing and suddenly reappearing looking like you spent a week living in a coal mine!

Clip- london

hagan vo; so ferguson gets into the uniform and waits for the next time jump.

Clip- excuse me sir, ill come back later.

Hagan: yeah because larping is soooo fucking funny.

Clkip- shaving

Hagan vo: so ferguson decides to take a shower and oooh that zany time travel timing!

Clip- lands on cross.

Hagan: minion, do it!

Minion: symbolism…

hagan whips him.

HAGAN: LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

MINION: Symbolism!

Hagan whips him.

HAGAN: AGAIN!

MINION: SYMBOLISM!

HAGAN: Now lick up your own blood!

Minion gets down on floor to lick up blood.

Clip- so yeah, in the past.

Hagan vo: so ferguson gets captured by biggle’s elite, effete commando team and tries to convince them he’s an american secret agent.

Clip- why are you wearing a towel?

Clip- its a big universe, lots of people trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, you’ve got to know where your towel is. HITCHHIKERS.

Hagan vo: so they meet up with biggles and dress ferguson up as a nun.

Hagan: this already sounds like the beginning of a monty python sketch.

Hagan vo: Turns out their 10 miles behind enemy lines.

Hagan: Ha! Like anyone got behind enemy lines in world war 1 without having their nipples used as target practice!

Hagan vo: their there to meet biggles contact, who is a former lover of his.

hagan vo: Sharpe is biggles with no plane and is fighting Napoleon, hornblower is biggles with a name that suggests he likes to suck dick and is on a boat, which also suggests he like to suck dick. Hornblower is biggles if he liked to suck dick. And all three have girlfriends behind enemy lines. They always end up dead too.

Clip- I know her. Music. Who I she etc.

Hgaan: yeah. Shes dead.

Clip- her dead. Spoiler cam.

Hagan vo: unfortunately the germans arrive.,

Clip- germans arrive

clip- zulus sir, thousands of them!

Clip- biggles, the famous erich von shtalin.

Clip- blackadder. Flash heart and eddie.

Clip- wanted to finish you in the air. Firing squad. Less likely to botch the job

clip- army darkness. For that arrogance, I shall see you dead.

Clip- firing squad.

Hagan vo; so ferguson uses his electric razor to convince the germans there’s a grenade and the 5 people manage to defeat all the germans.

Clip- im not going to put a bullet in your head we dont do business that way.

Hagan: then however did you manage to win the war?

Hagan vo: so biggles and his guys escape and ferguson ends up back in the present day.

Hagan: leaving the archaeologists who will one day find the electric razor very confused… insert your own bonekickers joke here.

Hagan vo: his girlfriend and the fatguy have arrived from the states. They take his appearance well.

Clip- transvestite bank robber, that’s not even in the book.

Clip- this is dr etc.

hagan: yeah, fatguy you are committing a major type of fraud.

Clip- woman and ferguson.

Hagan vo: so ferguson tells his gf all about what’s going on and what a shock, she thinks he’s insane! He then gets struck by llightning and she grabs ahold of him.

Hagan: because even if he’s not going back in time, that is soooo smart.

Hagan vo: and so their now both in the past! Biggles and all find them immediately and express less than no surprise that ferguson has turned up randomly in inappropriate clothing again.

Hagan: they even look pleased to see him.

Hagan vo: last time they saw the guy he appeared almost naked in the middle of a convent.

Hagan: maybe monty python was right.

Clip- lemon curry biggles.

Clip- stuff

hagan vo; their not too happy to see a woman there but decide to take her with them on their commando raid on the german superweapon. Getting there takes just enough time for the audience to wonder why an elite squad of airmen are being used as a ground based commando squad. And the soundtrack farts at us.

Music.

Hagan: and no, they never explain why the time travels happening.

Clip- leaving tunnels.

Hgaan vo: so it takes them 10 minutes to walk to the german superweapons test facility.

Hagan: I know that the superweapon appears to be stupidly close to the front lines but I suppose its fair enough given how little the front lines moved.

Vlip- blackadder. Front lines. Land.

Hagan vo: so they arrive at the test facility and it appears to be located in hiroshima circa 1945.

clip- it looks nuked.

HAGAN: Hey! My joke!

Clip-

hagan vo: so they’re at the weapons test facility to get recon before it used against them… even though the weapons been used on biggles while he was in the air. Twice! Their either testing the weapon on some dummies or they’ve captured an elite auton commando squad.

Hagan: it could happen, peter cushing, time travel, pointless use of london. I’m amazed that the fucking daleks havent turned up yet.

Hagan vo: so they get captured and by way of the woman being irritating they manage to escape.

Clip- i’m an American citizen.

Hagan: last time someone tried to get out of my dungeon by saying their an american citizen I let their cellmates go and drowned them in their own shit. (smiles)

hagan vo: so escape, they get to safety as the weapon goes off and

clip- screams and laser.

Hagan: a dalek heat ray…. why am I not surprised…

clip- dalek heat ray.

Hagan vo: so after the weapons stopped firing biggles finds out that one of the germans has become a dead albino, in pieces and turned artillery into paper mache. So what does the woman do when she comes across a dead germans face?

Hagan: so…. they used this weapon on biggles plane twice. do you recall biggles’s plane turning into papermache or biggles melting when they used the weapon on him? Twice. No? Good. because I dont either.

Hagan vo: so they escape and come across a live german about 20 feet away. Apparently even though the weapon can fire at planes it only has a range of 20 feet. so the german takes a shot and misses and biggles hides even though he’s in his sight the whole time. The brits go off to deal with the germans when more attack and ferguson finds himself back in the present.

Clip- guns

clip- predator. Guns.

Hagan: dunno what’s more amazing, Ferguson being so okay with killing 10 guys or the fact that he hit exactly no one in the present.

Hagan vo: so a helicopter with armed cops follows Ferguson and who should appear but biggles!

Clip- its that hole in time that keeps happening to me

hagan: sure, why not?

Clip- getting to tower bridge.

hagan vo: and through use of stealth punks they get past the cops and into tower bridge.

Hagan: because one group who are never stopped by cops are gangs of punks.

Hagan vo: so they get into tower bridge and…

hagan: holy shit! now they’ve given peter cushing a fucking raven! Stop trying to convince us this guys a baddy! He’s clearly not!

Hagan vo: Its as though they had the script written and then hired peter cushing without any idea of who to get him to play. He’s too old to be the bad guy. So they gave him the only old man part in the script and then try to convince the audience he’s a bad guy in every way besides actually rewriting the script to make him a bad guy. Why? because peter cushing plays bad guys!

Hagan vo: so biggles and cushing talk about how even though we never see young peter cushing he’s honestly biggles friend and commanding officer.

Clip- time we were off.

Hagan: climbing equipment… CLIMBING EQUIPMENT!? Okay, random archaeologists having in their van is one thing but peter cushing having it in his living room?! WHY?! He’s like 90! did his great grand children leave it there?!

Hagan vo: and you know, abseiling down an internationally recognised london landmark… subtle, what the fcuk is that?! So they abseil down, run about 30 feet and find the police helicopter just sitting by itself. Biggles then flies it away.

Hagan: id bitch about biggles being able to fly a helicopter but… he’s fucking biggles, he’s supposed to be the greatest pilot in human history. So, they get a pass.

Hagan vo: hole in time again and both of them and helicopter end up in world war one. Even though when biggles was taken to the future he was taken right from his plane…

clip- I was flying my plane.

HAGAN VO: so their back in the past where of course they get into a fight with the white baron.

Hagan: remember earlier when I said about the least appropriately scored world war one dogfight ever? Well… Listen to this.

Clip- dogfight with music.

Hagan: manfred von richtoven is spinning in his grave. No really. I opened it up and installed a motor.

Clip- flying.

Hagan vo: so they fly into the sound weapon with the helicopters microphone hanging on its speaker, meaning that every bit of sound the weapon fires at them will be fired back at it. Which is great except the helicopter should be turning into meringue and falling out of the sky.

Hagan: and the less said about the light-show the better.

Hagan vo; so boom and biggles crack team percy, algy and ginger…

Hagan: stop giggling, all British airmen in world war one had to have cute dog names.

Hagan vo: they all walk to the convent which is ten miles behind enemy lines and decide to take on all the Germans there.

Clip- fight. America fuck yea.

Hagan: oh. Sorry about that. we’re not used to seeing British people killing things. Wait a sec…

Hagan vo: so biggles and Ferguson turn up, the Germans think its a dragon or something and run off, the white baron turns up and shoots biggles girlfriend.

Hagan: I so called it.

Clip- grief.

Hagan vo: and the soundtracks so kind to feel the grief for us.

Clip- biggles fires.

Clip- batman batwing and joker.

Clip- plane blows up.

Hagan: I don’t think biplanes blew up like that…

clip- future.

Hagan vo: so yay, the war can continue for another year and claim a bunch more lives. Ferguson ends up back in the future and apparently being friends with peter cushing can get you off the hook for shooting people. So Ferguson immediately gets married to the woman and the fat guy who should be in jail for fraud is the best man even though he’s a dickhead who pretended to be a psychiatrist to get Ferguson committed.

Hagan: and hey, fat guy who is so obsessed with food he gets the ring mixed up with sweets. That’s not funny!

Clip- wedding.

Hagan: oh hey racism!

Clip- quick untie us.

Hagan: Ok. That’s one of the best lines ever.

Hagan vo: so the racist caricatures cant even throw spears straight and biggles and Ferguson and all run down a corridor which is clearly the same one they used to get to the German super-weapon and..

clip- BIGGLES.

HAGAN: That’s about it. Its a very silly film, and while fun on its own its not a good depiction of the character of…

AVATAR enters. Hits lights on and hits hagan with gun. Points a gun at hagan

AVATAR: Yes. It is.

HAGAN talks while getting up.

HAGAN: No umbrella? The gun hurts less. Why are you here? Its been days since my last awful joke.

AVATAR: Their all awful! All of them! Every second your a live its like zyklon b injected into my eyes!

HAGAN: Their not all awful. I think your getting obsessive. Why else would you come all the way here? Unless you want to fuck me. No by the way, I wont.

AVATAR: oh I’m not here for only me, I’m here for all those who you made review horrorific things… half past dead, the core, bitch slap.

HAGAN: Hey! Bitch slap was good!

AVATAR: They wanted me to make you review police academy 7.

HAGAN: That’s a really shit film.

AVATAR: Its a state of being so devoid of humour that I cant feel even feel its presence. Its like a black hole, it sucks all the humour into it. I couldn’t make even you suffer that.

HAGAN: Well thanks.

AVATAR: So instead I forced the police to attack your compound. If you’d been in haganistan you would have had a revolt on your hands.

HAGAN: you did that? I’m going to fucking kill you.

AVATAR: but the attack failed. You escaped and… I needed a new plan… so I bought a gun.

HAGAN: you think a gun can kill a god?!

AVATAR: No. But it helps. No, to kill a god… I brought in some help. Boys!

DAWKINS, HITCHENS AND MYSERS APPEAR BESIDE THE AVATAR. TELPORTED.

CLOSE UPS ON EACH ONE.

AVATAR: the strident atheists! Richard dawkins, world famous biologist and polite destroyer of religious belief. Christopher hitchens, intellectual giant of the left and right and angry terror of theism and finally… pz meyers.. who’s only known by people who read his blog…

PZ: Its a popular blog.

HAGAN; I’m sure it is. Teddy, please get rid of these mental cast-offs.

HAGANS GUN against hagans head.

TEDDY: I don’t think so, mistress.

HAGAN: What?

TEDDY: Iv just decided… i’m an atheist.

HAGAN (To teddy) : You wont live to regret this. (to the others) I killed mothers with their babies. I’ve killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I’ve killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of.. me and I have never once shown any mercy!

AVATAR: Are you done?

HAGAN: NEVER!

Avatar, dawkins, hitchens and myers fire at hagan. She falls down dead.