MFF Special: Which Horror Villain Could Make it From NYC to San Francisco the Quickest?

Have you ever stayed awake at night and wondered how long the creature from It Follows would need to catch Jessie and Celine during their Before Sunrise adventure? I sure have. Since writing a post about that would be kinda insane I decided to find out which horror villains could make the trip from New York City to San Francisco (2.927 driving, 2,923 walking, 6 hour flight) the quickest.

Here is the setup. An unfortunate soul annoys the villains while at JFK Airport (or in the case of Jaws, beforehand). The person flies to San Francisco and the villains decide to see who can make it the fastest.

I decided to leave Freddy Kreuger (Nightmare on Elm Street), Pinhead (Hellraiser), Candyman (Candyman), Azazel (Fallen) and The Red Lipstick Demon (Insidious) out of it because it would be too easy for them. They can get you wherever you are via evil wizardry and they wouldn’t need to hitchhike, swim across continents or walk massive distances. I also didn’t want to be redundant so I’ve left out multiple villains because their journey would be too similar to others.

Finally, I didn’t think certain villains would have a chance to make a cross country trip. For example:

Stripe (Gremlins) – If a gremlin made a cross country trip it would end with a gremlin apocalypse.

The Firefly Family (Devil’s Rejects) – They would just kill people at every pit stop and eventually get shot.

The Exorcist demon – It just chills in bed.

Ghostface (Scream(s)) – Ghostface is way too clumsy and would get into too many accidents

The Hills Have Eyes folk – If you ever made a trip to NYC they wouldn’t dare leave because it took too long to save up.

11. Crawlers – (The Descent)

Total time: 132.8 days

The Descent is one of my favorite horror films so I had to add the subterranean murder machines into the mix. The only problem is that they have to travel at night and during this time of the year, they’d only have 6.5 hours of travel time (5.5 moving + 1 for hour eating) because they would need to find a comfy place to not get sunburned and find things to eat. I think they could cover four miles an hour (caves aren’t great for cardio) and total 22 miles a day.

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10. The Saw Tricycle Puppet (Saw)

Total Time: 71.21 Days

Let’s say that somehow the puppet from Saw came alive and decided to chase somebody cross country on a tricycle. I’m assuming the possessed creature doesn’t sleep, therefore if it moves at the very slow pace of 41.1 miles a day (35 minute-mile because of slow uphill time) and most certainly annoys many drivers. Normally, I’d assume that tricycles can go much faster. However, after watching the clips the thing is never in a hurry and is not very mobile, so I feel good predicting the snail’s pace.

9. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Total time: 41.31 Days

Jason Voorhees moves very slowly but he would never stop to eat or sleep. The only problem is he would make a quick stop at Camp Crystal Lake in New Jersey (70.8 miles) then head to San Francisco (2,904 miles). Thus, if he sauntered at a leisurely 20 minute mile pace, spent a day killing campers, and didn’t end up in outer space he would make it to San Francisco in a respectful 41 days.

Jason does not move quickly.

8. Graboid (Tremors)

Total time: 33.81 Days

Let’s forgo the logical and just pretend that a Graboid was in New York City and somebody pissed it off. It would take a good amount of time for a 20-foot creature to navigate through the concrete jungle and make its way to the massive hiking trail in Washington D.C. called the American Discovery Trail (238 miles). From there I believe the creature could move along the 4,834-mile trail at a pretty decent speed and average 15 miles per hour for 10 hours a day. There will be some obstacles but if the creature can trick humans then I think it could navigate the occasional concrete wall.

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7. Jaw’s nephew? (Jaws 4: The Revenge)

Total time: 17.3 Days

If the shark moves at the same speed that it did in Jaws 4: The Revenge (16.58 miles per hour) then it could cover the 6,900-mile trip pretty quickly. I’m assuming it wouldn’t take too much time off, and sleep wouldn’t happen. The only stops it would make are for a quick bite of fisherman, salmon or scuba tanks.

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6. Critters (Critters)

Total time – 16.2 days

Imagine sitting at a stop light and seeing a ball of critters rolling past you at 15 MPH. Here is how I see the Critters journey playing out. The critters would form a massive ball of death and roll for 10 hours a day at 15 MPH. They would need some sleeping time and when they disband from the ball I bet it would take forever to organize them back into the sphere of death. If they were more organized they would make better time but in the end, they would make 150 miles per day.

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5. The Blob (The Blob)

Total Time – 6 days

The Blob’s journey is very straightforward. It would move at a maximum of 20 MPH and have no need to slow down for prey. It would just roll over pedestrians and have plenty of chances to fuel itself.

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4. The Wicked Witch (The Wizard of Oz)

Total time – 4.17 Days

Based on her flying past the tower (40 feet) in one second in the clip below I’m assuming her eventual max speed is 50 MPH. The biggest problem is riding on a broom for a long period of time would be terrible. Thus, for every hour she needs at least 10 minutes of stretching. Add sleep (6), back stretch breaks (3 hours) and meals (1 hour) and she impressively is able to sit on a broom for 14 hours day.

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3. Michael Myers (Halloween)

Total Time: 2.5 Days

I’ve already established that Michael Myers is a pro at driving cross country. The guy can drive like the wind and has no problem refilling his gas tank even though he has no money. The biggest issue he would have is making the 13 refueling stops along the way, It will take about an hour each time because he can’t simply pull up to a gas pump and refuel. The dude needs to steal gasoline and that is time-consuming. Thus, it takes him a lot longer than it should to drive cross country even at an average speed of 65 miles per hour.

Michael Myers better hope he doesn’t get a flat tire while on the road.

2. The Thing (The Thing)

Total time – 13 hours

What this all boils down to is how fast The Thing can assimilate into somebody else. It would need to scout people (1 hour), assimilate into that person (1 hour) and book/board a flight across the country (3 hours). After the six hour flight, I’m thinking the creature would need two hours to find a cab and make its way to the unwitting victim.

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Danica Talos (Blade: Trinity)

Total time: 10 hours

Parker Posey was awesome in Blade: Trinity and I included her so I could write more about her under-appreciated character. Vampires in the Blade world are rich, which means she could hire a private jet (2 hours), make the flight (6 hours) and step into a limo waiting for her at the airport. She wouldn’t have a problem traveling during the day (light protector yada yada yada) so there is no worry of dying from lots of San Francisco light.

Danica would totally rent a private jet to spite attack somebody.

In the end, the rich vampire wins and everyone else loses! If you liked this post make sure to check out my other random data posts.