13 month wont stop crying

05-02-2010, 06:03 PM

Hi,

Perhaps we have mis-interpreted the idea's of attachment parenting. We understood that letting a baby cry by theirself is bad and you should comfort them. Therefore we have spent alot of time everynight putting him to bed. As well if we put him in the pram or car seat he will cry hysterically non-stop so we have had to stop using the car and pram.

Now our 13 month old boy has started to launch into non-stop crying whenever he doesn't get his way, so we are starting to think that at some point, we should have drawn a firm line and let him cry it out in the car seat, pram or going to bed. He can't talk yet and doesnt seem to understand language yet as he is dealing with 2 languages, so it is difficult to calm him with alot of the suggestions we read on the forums or in articles. When we try and be soothing he just pushes us away agressively.

So could someone please clarify, what do you do if a child clearly doesnt want to do something but he has to
and you know he doesn't understand what you say.. how do approach something that they just have to do ?
We can't keep sacrificing ourselves to meet his requirements.

my lo hated the car seat. We had the same problem. We couldn't even go to the grocery store. Generally what we did is we had one parent sit in the back seat with her to offer her support (when we had to go somewhere such as grocery shopping, funeral). If it was a long trip we would plan stops along the way. Our lo unfortunatly gets car sick. She was much worse when she was rear facing. Now that she's forward facing it seems to have let up. We did turn her around early, in the sense she was over a year but 2 pounds light. Now that she's 2 we can do a one hour trip without it turning into hysterics and she enjoys going for a car ride.
She didn't like her stroller either. Primarly while rear facing. she did much better when we turned her around and she had toys to play with. However her favorite place to be was in a carrier (not so much now that she's a great walker). I have wrap, slings and mai tie's. I love them all and they we're the best investments I ever made.
as for bedtime i still nurse my 2 yr old to before sleep and i lay with her when she's all done nursing her. As a day care provider i see a big difference between her and the other children (who's parents support the CIO method). Mine can hardly wait to get into bed for her sleep. She loves her snuggles while the other kids throw temper tantrums at being place in their playpens. DH loves snuggling her while reading her bedtime stories before it's my turn to nurse as well. Realize that the first yr goes fast and whenever i look at her i think where did the last 2 yrs go! It won't last forever so enjoy it while you can.

As far as the temper tantrums go we've had them from 6 months on. She use to bite when angry and will still throw fits on a regular basis. I've learned a couple of different strategies that have helped me. We taught her sign language at 6 months until she learned to speak to express herself. and once she got the hang of that she started getting less angry. We watch her sugar in her diet as i've discovered this makes her wound and hard to manage. I try to ensure she gets good nights sleep and nap because the less tired she is the less she's easily aggitated. The most important thing it to understand that this is the only way they know how to express their anger/frustration at not getting what they want. Sometimes they want everything and don't understand why they're not. So allow them the chance to express these feelings in a safe way (for example in your living room is safe the middle of the road is not). When their done offer them a hug and tell them that it's alright to be angry/frustrated and explain why it was a no. THe other thing to consider is it important. Playing with electrical outlet is definatly a NO, but wearing rubber boots instead of sneakers isn't really. So pick your battels.

Comment

What you seem to be doing is similar and that is basically making alot of compromises
to meet the demands of your child. For example making less car trips, stopping frequently,
nursing your baby etc.

While on one hand it makes alot of sense to meet your babies demands during this crucial period,
however on the other hand I can't help thinking that sometimes a baby just needs to
learn the limits and the things they must do. We dont live in a perfect society or a tribal
community where there are plenty of people on hand to help out and meet the demands of
a baby.

An example with eating. Again our son was difficult and we didnt push him because we read that this can cause eating problems in the future. His grandmother recently visited and she forced him and it was
tough for a while, but now he is eating much better.

I can't help thinking the same with sleeping. Had we put him in his cot and let him cry, maybe he would eventually have worked out how to self-soothe and put himself to sleep. It seems like we are preventing him
from working it out himself.

It feels like we are making alot of compromises and we are lucky we are able to make those compromises. But I really feel for those parents who dont have the luxury to make such compromises. But I also question whether its really correct for us to continually compromise. As I say this is not a pefect society we live in and so babies surely must also learn to compromise. Perhaps we are just making things more difficult for ourselves in the future.

I guess we are at that point where we can't be sure what approach is correct and we are starting to have our doubts.

Jase

Comment

So could someone please clarify, what do you do if a child clearly doesnt want to do something but he has to
and you know he doesn't understand what you say.. how do approach something that they just have to do ?
We can't keep sacrificing ourselves to meet his requirements.

jase

I think this question depends a lot on the age of the child. Past one year I definitely don't think it should be a parent's goal to "stop" all crying in their child. Why? Because crying, having "tantrums" learning to accept they can't have something but still be able to bounce back is one of the main jobs of toddlerhood and beyond. At the same time, in order for a small child to do this work they have to feel a strong attachement to their parent, they have to feel safe and taken care of. They can't feel as they've been abandoned in this time of vulnerability. So the goal is to try and help them through this time without them feeling unhelped and alone.

Most of the scenarios you mentioned (with the exception of eating) involve separation from the parent. Does your child mainly have a problem separating from you or are you also concerned about crying over non-separation type activities as well? e.g. climbing the bookcase, refusing to get dressed, eating food off the sidewalk? Are you thinking about your child crying at bedtime with a parent in the room or only out of the room?

Perhaps we have mis-interpreted the idea's of attachment parenting. We understood that letting a baby cry by theirself is bad and you should comfort them.

You're correct that you should comfort your child, but this does not mean you prevent them from crying. If you must go somewhere, or even want to go somewhere, and your child cries in his carseat, this is no the same thing as abandoning him to cry alone.

So could someone please clarify, what do you do if a child clearly doesnt want to do something but he has to
and you know he doesn't understand what you say..

At 13 months, your child understands way more than you think. Receptive language develops long before Expressive language. You can begin verbalizing empathy such as "I know you don't like your carseat, but we must keep you safe. We're right here and will take you out as soon as we can." Communicate that you understand his discomfort. Let him know you are not leaving him.

Have you read API's 8 Principles? These and Attached at the Heart are great information and may give you a better understanding of AP.

Comment

I can really really empathize with you, because we also had a very high needs little guy. He is two now, and when I think back to it, I am so happy that we didn't ever let him CIO. Yes, you have to go places, and if he has to be in his carseat, that is just what has to happen. We didn't realize it at the time, but our son had a bunch of food allergies and intolerances and he was so grouchy and demanding primarily because of this. I cannot imagine the guilt we would have now if we hadn't attended to his needs then, knowing now that he was just really uncomfortable. I didn't buy into the food intolerance thing at all until we were so desperate that we tried it...and were AMAZED with the results. This may or may not be the case for you, but I would really encourage you to hang in there. It does get easier. Kids don't learn to "self soothe" in my opinion. I have worked in infant/toddler orphanages. They are *eerily* quiet. The kids don't cry really at all. They have learned that nobody is going to meet their needs anyhow, so there is no point in trying. Your son is crying in an attempt to communicate with you and get his needs met. I really feel like when CIO works, it is just because the child has given up...not that they have learned a particular skill. Sleep is developmental...he will get it eventually. In the mean time, take care of yourself! good luck mama