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Clinton Needs Help to Wipe Financial Slate Clean

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, now the U.S. Secretary of State, needs our help to retire her 2008 campaign debt.

“With your help, we can make it as if I never ran against our sage and serious leader, Barack Obama,” Clinton said outside of a meeting in Washington. “I know that the people of the United States can band together and make this happen.”

Friends of Hillary, a non-profit group that supports the former First Lady, has set up an online forum to collect contributions.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton grimaces after realizing she wasted $13.2 million dollars of her own money on her ill-fated 2008 presidential campaign. The reality didn’t sink in until this week.

Clinton never could inspire the financial generosity that her opponent enjoyed. At its nadir, Clinton’s campaign was $6.4 million in debt, not including an additional $13.2 million that she contributed from her own coffers. As of mid-April, she still owed $2.3 million.

“What have I done?” Clinton is rumored to have asked herself.

The former New York State Senator has tried a range of gimmicks to help convince people that her campaign is worth supporting, including a promotional that promises potential contributors a chance to attend the American Idol finale, this past spring.

Clinton even asked President Obama if he could pitch in some of the money had he had earned from record sales of his The Audacity of Hope.

“Secretary Clinton has surely shown the audacity of hope,” Obama said. “I appointed her to my cabinet. What more does she want?” Obama did graciously ask his donors to help Clinton pay back the money she owed.

“Please help, if you can,” Clinton’s aides plead. “We’re not there yet.”