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To: gxobrien@laghp001.lag.mobil.com
Message-Id: <19973241095026334@ix.netcom.com>
Subject: Fwd: XX Jokes #10
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Status: R
A man walks into a bar, and behind the bar he sees a huge pegboard with
hundreds of 100 dollar bills attached to it. He walks up to the bartender
and says, "Gee, that must be a helluva lot of money. Why is it there?"
"Well, that's our jackpot," the bartender replies. "But so far nobody has
managed to win it."
"What do I have to do?"
"Well, first you have to pay 100 bucks. Than you have to brave three
challenges."
"And what might they be?"
"Okay, see that seven-foot muscle man at the door? First you have to knock
him out. Then go behind the building. There you'll find a pit bull terrier
with a bad tooth. Pull out the tooth! Then come back and go upstairs. First
door on the left. There's a 3
50-pound woman in there. She's very old and very ugly. Fuck her and you win
the jackpot."
"Okay, I'll give it a shot," says the man.
So he walks over to the muscle man at the front door and says, "Hey, since
when did you guys start showing porno flicks on the ceiling?" The muscle
man looks up, and the man beans him with a beer bottle. Knocks him out.
"Not bad, the bartender says. And now the dog."
The man walks out the door. All of a sudden there's barking, shouts,
garbage countainers cracking. Twenty minutes later the man comes back,
covered all over with blood, his shirt ragged, his pants down.
"Alright, now where is this woman with the bad tooth?"
**********************************************************************
=================
REDNECK ETIQUETTE
=================
----------------
PERSONAL HYGIENE
----------------
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger
foods.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and
save hours.
- It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
----------
DINING OUT
----------
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the
label.
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
-------------------------
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
-------------------------
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.
- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
---------------------------
DATING (Outside the Family)
---------------------------
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
stolen from a cemetery.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out
with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years
ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
- Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
reputation.
-----------------
THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
--------
WEDDINGS
--------
- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
-----------------
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-----------------
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
----------------------
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
----------------------
- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
************************************************************************
How to speak EBONICS:
1. Rectum... I had two cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.
2. Hotel... I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.
3. Odyssey... I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe.
4. Stain... my mother-in-law axed if I was stain for dinner again.
5. Seldom... my cousin gave me two tickets to the knicks game, so I seldom.
6. Penis... I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
7. Catacomb... Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give
that catacomb.
8. Forclose... if I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.
9. Undermine... there is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment
undermine.
10. Tripoli... I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but i couldn't fine no
Tripoli.
12. Disappointment...my parole officer tol me if i miss disappointment they
gonna send me back to the big house.
13. Income... I just got in bed wit dee hoe and income my wife.
14. Honor... at the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who b honor First?
15. Fortify... I axed da hoe how much? And she say fortify.
16. Israel... Alonso tried to sell me a rolex, I said man, that looks fake.
He said, no Israel.
************************************************************************
Coughing up someone else's phleghm?
*************************************************************************
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee..........
*************************************************************************
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the
refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the
bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a redneck girl say after sex? "Get off me, Daddy. You're crushing
my Marlboros."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make five pounds of fat look pretty? Put a nipple on the end.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the
side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it
into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering...it must be cold. What should
I do?" He says, "Put it betw
een your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy's fingering his girlfriend. She says, "Would you take off your ring?
It's hurting me. "He says, "That's not my ring. It's my wristwatch."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gomer lives on a farm, and he knows nothing about women or sex, so for his
21st birthday, his pa gives him fifty bucks and tells him to go to town and
buy himself a hooker. Gomer goes to town, meets a hooker in front of a bar,
offers her the fifty, and t
hey go back to her place. But when they get there, she tells him he'll have
to settle for a blow job because she's having her period. He says, "What's a
period?" She says, "I'll show you." She lifts up her dress, and pulls our
her tampon. She says, "See?
I'm bleeding. "He says, "Well, no wonder yer bleedin'. Somebody done cut
your pecker off."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary? "The other
sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's
hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got feather earrings, and he sees
the guy staring at him. He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you
ever do anything wild?" The o
ld guy says, "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my
kid."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mark Gulko
e-mail: mgulko@usa.net
"If you build a better mouse trap, you may have problems while running
Windows." -- Mark Gulko, 1997
Note: Any opinions expressed are not mine, and they are not my dog's.
They just are. The compilation of the jokes, "The Gulko Chronicles," and
any material not sent by others to me is Copyright 1997, Mark Gulko.
Remember ... you may UNSUBSCRIBE at any time simply by sending
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