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AN ESSAY ON TIME

Friends:

It is a known fact that time speeds up as you age. It is caused by Quantum Mechanics, Global Warming, the Monsoon Effect or the Maunder Minimum. I forget which one is correct. The last New Year’s Day occurred only seven or eight months ago.

Politicians in high political offices also cause time to change. People are in such a hurry to get rid of them and put in a new batch that time accelerates to a critical point on the Event Horizon of a Black Hole. Either it’s boot them out or time slows to a crawl as predicted by Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity. A cataclysmic upheaval of the space time warp continuum builds up as time approaches the next election. If the same party wins, then the third term will last three and a half years. The Fourth of July will occur every ten months.

Omens and harbingers of bad times are increasing. A house sized meteorite crashed in Washington State. A woman had twins by Elvis. President Bush tried to say there were no weapons of mass destruction and nearly choked. Bill Clinton's chapter on Monica Lewinsky mysteriously deleted itself at the printing house. Kerry divorced and married a poor woman. Nader is consulting the oracle and checking the stars. Hillary is leaning toward Al Sharpton or Jesse Ventura as her running mate.

The beginning of these four years is already going as swift as a run-away freight train on a downhill grade. From all indications the year 2005 will be the year of vindication for Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. His theory known as The Chandrasekhar Limit, calculates how much money can be spent before the world collapses into the nothingness of ten seconds before the Big Bang. Time and money spent trying to cure Social Security automatically jumps to the Fourth Dimension through a wormhole. Time follows the space curvature and returns to earth in the year 2025. Two extra months will have to be added that year. The money that fell through the worm hole is now being spent by the inhabitants of the Greater Magallanic Cloud. They called it manna from heaven.

2006 will only last six months. 2007 will last only 170 days. There will be chaotic time fluctuations brought on by the super gross sun spot cycle. Gigantic solar flares and prominences will reach out and envelope the earth. Cosmic rays and alpha particles bombarding the upper atmosphere will cause auroras to form over the equator. Our invasion of Terra del Fuego will bog down due to our inability to navigate the Straits of Magellan. This will be because all the geo-positioning-satellites were incapacitated by planetary dust and debris from a new comet that came in from the Oort Cloud on a hyperbolic curve. This unnamed visitor crossed the earth’s orbit three days in the earth’s future. If the earth had been three days faster or the comet three days slower, there would have been an impact on par with the one that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 65,000,000 years ago.

In January of 2008, the Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle will kick in. Some people will think it is December while a few on an accelerated college program will actually believe it is February. People living on the west side of the International Date Line will be three days behind people on the east side. The north magnetic pole will migrate to Havana. The tilt of the earth’s axis will shift from 23 degrees to 40 degrees.

All of these happenings will pale to insignificance compared to the election of two-double ought-eight. Red states will become Blue states. Blue states will vote red. A massive power surge will char twenty-five million electronic voting machines. The dreaded tsetse trojan worm will infest all voting machines in Texas. The results will be 49% for Grant, 49% for Lee and 2% for Tom DeLay.

The Hillary/Hulk Hogan ticket will end up dead even with the Jeb Bush/Schwarzeneggar team. The Supreme Court will declare November null and void. Time will come to a near stop. The Exclusion Principle and the Quantum Theory of Gravity will predict that only the Jon Stewart team at Comedy Central can run the country at a normal rate of time.

Alas and alack. My computer is in a meltdown. It is the dreaded Rumsfeld-Halliburton-Cheney virus, which causes a chad to stay on your modem when you try to send a donation to a democratic web site. My credit card number is now being sent to somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto.