The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
The North has
coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family
reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on
Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first
names. The North has
Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR
NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In
the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out
of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the
same store.... do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "Y'all"
is singular, "all
y'all"
is plural, and "all y'all's"
is plural possessive
Get used to hearing "You
ain't from round here, are ya?" Save all manner
of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use
it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are
saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern
statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol,"
truck or "big'ol" boy. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this
way. All of them are in denial about it. The
proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.!
Be advised that "He needed
killin."
is a valid defense here. If you hear a
Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all
watch this,"
you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the
last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required
at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you
need anything or not. You just have to go there. Do not be
surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them
how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush
green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND
REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think
we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat
had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I
reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore
you know it.
Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

THE MIND

I had amnesia once -- or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know
they were Catholic.
I am neither for nor against apathy.
All I ask is a chance to prove that
money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men
would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all
gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I
believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and
courteous in the home, and when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists...they
don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my
height...which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not
sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
How can there be self-help groups?
If swimming is so good for your
figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on
the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.
Is it just me, or do buffalo wings
taste like chicken?

DISCOVERY CHANNEL
A couple was watching a Discovery
Channel special about an African black
bush tribe whose men all had penises 24
inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain
age, a string is tied around his penis
and on the other end is a weight. After
a while, the weight stretches the penis
to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was
getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said,
"How about we try
the African string-and-weight
procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied
a string and a weight to his penis . A
few days later, the wife
asked the husband, "How
is our little tribal experiment coming
along?" "Well,
it looks like we're about half way
there,"
he replied. "Wow,
you mean it's grown to 12 inches?""No,
it's turned black."