Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Why You Were Late For The Meeting - Rewrite

I received some feedback about this specific prompt. Apparently I use the word "I" a little too often when writing in first person and should revise and rewrite the story accordingly. Here are the results:

I was feeling the effects of the food coma after a carb rich lunch when my phone started vibrating. I fumbled with it but managed not to drop it. A single screen tap brought me to an email with a single line: "don't forget, we have a meeting in 10 minutes."

Freaking out, I got up and bumped the table in the process. The silverware rattled on the plates and a cup of water spilled over. "I'm sorry. I really need to go." I handed the waiter a ten dollar bill and took off running.

The café was only a block away from the office but the short sprint left me gasping for air. I stopped for a second to catch my breath when the phone started vibrating again. I didn't bother to check it but instead walked into the building, noticing one of the elevators was open. "Hold the door!" I yelled and took off running. The door closed just before I reached it. I lost my footing trying to stop and ended up on the floor knocking down the trash can between the elevators.

I got up and ran across the lobby and headed for the stairs. The stairwell was made up of grey concrete and grey railings spanning from the basement all the way up to the tenth floor, my final destination. After climbing 5 stories, the fifth floor door flew open. A young executive assistant came through the door carrying about two trees worth of paper and bumped into me. I grabbed her by the arm and steadied her. One more step and we would have had a Carnival in the stairwell.

I made sure she was OK and continued on my journey. Three more stories and my progress had slowed down to a crawl. A hissing sound coming from one of the floors above. I leaned on the railing and looked up towards the ceiling but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. The sound became louder as I got closer to the top. The tenth floor greeted me with a leaky water pipe that was spraying water in a mist over the steps. I put my hand in front of me to shield myself from the water when the pipe burst open. Cold water rained on me and within seconds I was soaked from head to toe. I managed to stay on my feet and staggered to the door, went through it, and shut it behind me.

Everyone in the office stopped to look at me. "Where's the meeting?" I said between breaths.

"You didn't get the memo?" one of my coworkers asked chuckling.

Dumbfounded I reached into my pocket and took out my phone, unlocked the screen, touched the email icon and then selected the unread email. It read: "Meeting rescheduled for tomorrow. Don't be late."

2 comments:

I recognize the prompts from WD. Have you written any lately? I'm so hit-or-miss with mine-- sometimes I write something I really like, other times, man, I get the Raspberry Award. Hope you keep writing!