3/30/2011 @ 11:19AM

A Plan To Depose Gadhafi By Corporate Fatwa

As the Who’s-in-Charge Coalition debates the ultimate goal of bombing Libyan forces loyal to Colonel Muammar Gadhafi, a plan is being hatched wherein multinational corporations formerly in bed with the discredited regime can do the world a favor while getting out ahead of the backlash that is surely coming their way.

Many of these corporations, named in a recent New York Timesarticle describing the shady dealings that helped Gadhafi amass his fortune, must realize that one day a Libyan truth commission is going to be formed. When it is, companies that funneled protection money to the Mad Dog of the Middle East are going to be in for a reckoning.

It won’t matter that their governments either looked the other way or outright encouraged them to do business with the once and future terrorist. For example, surf over to the BuyUSA.gov website right now and you will still find this little gem: Libya is a challenging but potentially rewarding market. With proper planning and foresight, U.S. companies can take advantage of commercial opportunities in almost every sector, from oil and gas to agriculture to telecommunications and tourism.

Such planning and foresight, apparently, includes billions in baksheesh.

To atone for their venality and perhaps earn some brownie points that could come in handy after Congress launches its foreign corrupt practices hearings, smart companies should start passing the hat right now to finance a free market answer to the question How do you solve a problem like Gadhafi? Because the obvious solution is to put a bounty on his head.

Well, not so much his head. That would be messy, plus tough to get through airport security. In this modern era of DNA matching an ear will do. Think how easy it would be to slip one into a 3-ounce formaldehyde-filled shampoo bottle.

So here’s the deal. All companies complicit in swelling the Swiss bank accounts of el-Gadhafi and his sons will be asked to kick in 2% of the profits they made in Libya. The money will be held in escrow by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce until it is claimed by whoever shows up with the aforementioned ear. No questions asked, plus the winner gets a free pass into the witness protection program for himself and three family members of his choice.

Clearly, this plan will put more pressure on Gadhafi’s henchmen than decades of economic sanctions, which most professional dictators laugh at as their people starve. Plus think of the long-term negotiating leverage a successful corporate fatwa would give participating corporations next time they sit down to do business with a tyrant. Better watch your step, Mr. Zenga Zenga.

A practical objection to this approach is that it might give Gadhafi the incentive to fight to the death. That would be counterproductive. So down in the fine print the bounty would have to include a wet foot/dry foot escape clause. If Gadhafi makes it to Venezuela alive, the deal is off. Put the offer up on Twitter and the whole world will know about it in 34 milliseconds.

Imagine you are in Gadhafi’s bunker, just doing your job, with 500-pound bombs landing ever closer to your door. You’ve got an AK-47 in your hands and you’re supposed to protect a guy who has become totally unhinged as the whole world hunts him down. Your iPhone vibrates and up comes a message from your brother-in-law in Benghazi. “Hey, check out this offer.”

You think Salman Rushdie had it tough when a bunch of medieval mullahs put a price on his head? Imagine what would happen if a bunch of big corporations ponied up to bring this guy down.

Sure, the deal would be denounced by the U.N. Human Rights Commission that Libya formerly chaired. And no doubt the Obama administration, more intent on managing the narrative than the troops, would look askance. But think of the precedent it would set. If an ugly civil war could be brought to a neat conclusion by the simple expedient of taking up a collection to pay a tyrant’s henchman some small fraction of what it costs to darken the skies with million dollar cruise missiles, wouldn’t the world be a better place?

Bill Frezza is a partner at Adams Capital Management, an early-stage venture capital firm. He can be reached at bill@vereverus.com. If you would like to subscribe to his weekly column, drop a note to publisher@vereverus.com.