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Friday, February 06, 2009

It's another week, which means there's another batch of news for me to break down and spit out. I'm gonna start with the big game, and move on from there. If you like small people with drug problems, then you're really gonna love this week's edition. If you like the Celtics, Michael Phelps, Barry Bonds, or Roger Clemens? Perhaps not so much...

But hey. If we all liked the same things, then there would only be one color of M&M's, and we'd all be driving around in Hyundai Elantras...

Thank God for variety...

Get some...

Super Bowl XLIII

For a game that was chuck full of clutch plays, key performers and a geriatric half time hip thruster, the talk surrounding Super Bowl XLII has all but vanished just a mere 5 days after the event. And that's cool by me. Hey, let's not beat around the bush here. All my prop bets came up empty, I had the Steeler's -7, and like most fans, I had little to zero actual rooting interest in the actual game itself. I wanted a good game, one that was entertaining, and I got it. And since there was no real controversy to speak of, I feel more than content with thanking both teams, packing up my snack buffet, and moving on to next season, and just in general to other sports...

Now if you want to discuss whether or not this win puts the Steelers in contention with the Patriots as "Team of the Decade", then that's your prerogative. I happen to find such labels absolutely ridiculous, and wouldn't even waste my time even attempting to break down such an argument...

Yeah, a kid that has a sports blog that nobody pays him to write, thinks that argument is a complete waste of time. That should say somethin'...

If you are still Jones'n for NFL talk, however, my man Whitey has you covered. Check out his notes at the Rosen Report, right here. He's got some interesting story lines to follow for the upcoming offseason, and just in general some shit you would all probably be better off knowing...

...and NO. Just because he didn't make the return of Tom Brady his lead for this offseason, doesn't mean the White man isn't still my friend. It just means he's blinded by the sunshine coming down 95, and bouncing off the Patriots 3 Lombardi Trophies. Understandable...

Barry Bonds + Roger Clemens

So the Feds are now releasing the fact that they do indeed have the documents and physical evidence to prove perjury against both Barry Bonds AND Roger Clemens. Shocking developments, I know, but what we need to ask ourselves, is whether or not these latest discoveries will lead to Major League Baseball taking taking any action of their own. After all, now it would seem that the proverbial ball, is their proverbial court...

What I'm talking about, is retroactive discipline. Not in the form of fines or sanctions, but I want to see whether or not MLB decides to take action against two of the games greats when it comes to the records they've set, and the post-career accolades (notably Hall of Fame) they undoubtedly had coming to them before getting caught up in all this Steroid Era controversy...

Bonds' single season home run record, for instance. I know baseball purists shudder at the thought, but will MLB man up and slap an asterisk on it? OR at least preface the record with some sort of explanation, like "this guy set this record, but it was later proven he had cheated by using performance enhancers"? I mean, I guess that's the same as an asterisk, but you know what I mean...

It just seems to me that this is finally an opportunity for Major League Baseball, without any fear of repercussions from fans, writers or players, has a clear cut chance here to send the message once and for all that the use of performance enhancers will not be tolerated, and that those who try to break those rules, no matter how good, will be made example of. It's also the perfect opportunity for Selig and friends to once and for all publicly admit that there was a time that their game perhaps wasn't as pure and fair as they would have liked. Were they involved in covering up these illegal actions? Of course they were, and while that would make them accessories, they ultimately weren't the ones having their lackey's poke them with pharmaceutical steak knives...

Accountability, and protecting the future of the game. That's what it all comes down to. And with the federal perjury cases against them looking stronger and stronger every time you check the headlines, I figure what better time than now to out both Bonds and Clemens as notorious cheaters, and start retro actively salvaging at least some of the records that we can almost guarantee are tainted...

Man, up Bud. It's time to stop looking befuddled and mix matching your wardrobe, and try to re-establish the credibility and sportsmanship that used to make baseball this country's greatest, and most consistent game...

Oh and keep a lookout for this Coming to a bookstore near you. Heavy is the Freakishly Large Head that Wears the Crown: The Barry Lamar Bonds Story. Should be a great read...

Manny Ramirez

Keeping with the theme of tards in baseball, we have this gem...

The Dodgers offer Manny Ramirez a 1 year deal worth $25 mil, and Scott Boras responds by telling the media that LA is "playing chicken"...

Funny. I always thought "chicken" was when two people went at each other, and the first person to flinch lost. To me, this sounds more like a game of Red Rover, with Boras and the owners calling Manny's dredded, unemployed ass on over...

It's like this. Boras, who wasn't going to get $ 1 if Manny stayed in Boston, is now getting paid. And the owners, especially the one of the team where Manny ends up, are getting the star slugger at far less than the 4 years $80 million Boras more than likely told Manny he was capable of getting should he pout his way out of the Bean...

So see. Red Rover, not chicken. Get your playground games straight, Bor-ASS, and I'll catch you over by the monkey bars. I hear Brian McNamee and Tim Donaghy are over there with a hot tip on the next dodge ball game...

Matt Cassel

So the Patriots did it. They franchised Matt Cassel...What does that mean?

Well for starters, it means my buddy Andy Gresh (now of Sirius Radio fame) made a fool out of himself week in and week out on WBCN all season by saying they wouldn't franchise him. Granted I'm a big fan of Gresh and his arrogance, but sometimes when everyone else is saying something is a lock and the most practical solution, it's because...well...it's because it is. I've made the same mistake myself, so I can sympathize, it's just I'm still trying to get my head around what exactly his thought process was through this whole thing...

More importantly, what does this mean for the Patriots? Well my thought is, that while I still find it very unlikely that Matt Cassel ever suits up or the Pats again, I've been following Belichick and the Pats for too long to even think of ruling any possibility out. He could stay, and it wouldn't surprise me. He could be traded within the division, and it wouldn't surprise me. He could be traded for a 2 1st round picks, and it wouldn't surprise me. That's what has made Bill, and in the past, Scott Piloi, so effective. Just when you have them pegged to zig, they zag, and yet it almost always seems to work out for the best...

If you want further breakdown on what it means for the Pats to have franchised Cassel, check out Mike Reiss' work. He is, as usual, all over this thing like Jack Bauer to plane full of stolen nukes. He's just not a huge tool like Bauer is...

*Gotta love the New York Knicks, man. Just 2 days after Kobe Bryant set MSG afire with a building record 61, the Knickerbockers welcomed King James with open arms, and allowed the heir to the thrown, and future franchise savior, to drop 52 on his way to a mesmerizing triple double. Bravo (clap, clap.....clap)...

Whatever happened to team pride? Used to be, a guy tells you he's gonna light you up, then you send his ass a message and make sure as Hell it doesn't happen. Now maybe LeBron didn't actually verbalize his intent to torch the Knicks, but if the fact he was gonna try and one-up Kobe surprised you, then you just have no fuckin' clue what's goin on'. I'm sorry...

You know Zeke would have never let that go down / would have been high-fivingLeBron and sitting on Spike Lee's lap before the 3rd quarter was even finished....and by sitting on Spike Lee's lap, I obviously mean sexually harassing some intern, and putting creepy messages up on Larry Brown's MySpace page...

*What a forgiving world we live in, huh? It took about 5 seconds for everyone from the public to the Olympic Committee to the National Swimmer's Association (I think I just made that organization up, but whatever) to forgive the prodigal son, Michael Phelps, for taking a gold medal sized rip from what appears to be a state of the art glass smoking device...

So just to recap. People get fired from their jobs on what seems like a daily basis for posting racy and inappropriate pictures on their Facebook and MySpace pages, but this kid gets caught using illegal drugs, and he gets a pass...

Hey, I'm not trying to hate on weed, partying, delicious glass bongs OR letting someone make mistakes while growing up. What I am against, is perpetuating double standards, especially for a guy who doesn't even participate in a real sport. I mean what's next? Letting Sidney Crosby slide when he's caught shooting H in the bathroom at Denny's? Well not on my watch, you crazy Canadian. I will NOT let you corrupt our youths!!!...

*Further evidence that it's the players that win in the NBA more so than in any other sport, and that Glen Rivers MD has had virtually nothing to do with the recent success of the Boston Celtics...

Example 1:

With just seconds to go in this week's game against Philadelphia, and his team trailing by 2, Glen Rivers MD called a timeout to draw up the winning play. When the C's came out to run the play, Philly called a timeout of their own. Standard move. So now the ball was back in Doc's court. He gets in the huddle and starts drawing up a different play until his stars speak up. "We wanna run the first play". They run the 1st play, and Ray Allen hits a game winning 3...

And oh, there's more!

Examples 2 & 3:

You see the game on Thursday night against the Lakers? Wanna tell me how Kevin Garnett was put in a position to foul out with almost 4 1/2 minutes left to go in the game? And how about why he final play of regulation was drawn up to go right at LA's best defender (Bryant)? These are mistakes that inexperienced high school coaches make, not guys that are allegedly one of the best coaches in the league!...

It's getting to the point where even though I honestly don't care, I want the Celtics to lose now so Doc Rivers doesn't somehow end up in the basketball Hall of Fame. To me, that would be like OJ Simpson and Osama bin Laden somehow ending up in a tie for the Nobel Peace Prize...

*You'll all be pleased to know that Tiger Woods is aggressively rehabbing his knee, and should be coming to a white's only country club near you faster than you can say affirmative action!

And it's a good thing, too. If I have to hear those Teds on SportsCenter one more time trying to tell me how the start of Phil Mickelson's season is goin', I'm gonna freakin' water board myself. That fat bastard...

*How freaking ass backwards is this thought process?

Since Duke was trounced by Clemson, and Wake Forest was trampled by Miami, then that means that the ACC is deeper, and more dangerous than any of us had originally thought...

Spare me. All Clemson proved, is that a bunch of white kids can't handle the press in LittleJohn (Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!) Coliseum. And all Miami proved, is that they actually are a decent team, and should have all along been right at the top of the conference with UNC, Wake, and those losers from Duke who's fans have beat off more in tents than the fat kid at Woodstock...

Those are the 4 legit teams in the ACC. Mark Schlabach doesn't necessarily agree with me, but to you should take a gander at his first Bubble Watch. Maybe if you read it, the next time we discuss college hoops you will actually have something decent to bring to the conversation other than "Dude, UCONN is good, huh?"...

*Maybe Al Davis is as senile as we all think...at least in regards to his former head coach, Lane Kiffin...

In a brunch this week with boosters, Kiffin said he was going to turn in Florida head coach, Urban Meyer, for a recruiting violation. He continued by saying "I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn't get him." "Him" in this case, was prized WR recruit and Florida native, Nu'Keese Richardson, who had been leaning towards the Gators before this week signing his letter of intent with the Vols...

The problem? The "violation", where in Meyer was calling Richardson constantly during the WRs official visit to Tennessee, is not actually a violation at all. Smooth one, Lane...

Tennessee has already said they will NOT file a complaint, and Florida has said they have already been informed by the SEC that no violation occurred...

Score one, for the crypt keeper. Ooops, he just shat himself, so throw one back up on Lane's board...

(How's that, Lundin? Two Bay Area references in one blog! Now if only your region could do something that's not cheating or self-shatting.)*What do you get when you cross A&E's Intervention with TLC'sLittle People, Big World? No, not "Midget's on ICE: Meth Hits the LollyPop Guild". It's none other than Jockeys from Animal Planet!

These are little guys, with hot wives, and serious addictions to everything from food, to drugs, to gambling, and to women. I'll be busy watching Sober House to see how Andy Dick is adjusting, so you'll have to keep me informed as to how it goes...

Al Gore's Greatest Hits

Wanna be an Intraweb superstar like yours truly? Well, it aint gonna happen. What you can do, is send me the funniest shit you find each week on the glorious network our former Vice President created, and I can slap it up here, and give you about 35% of the credit for finding it...

For instance. Both Alex Routenberg and Rob Slavin again made contributions to this week's edition of "Al Gore's Greatest Hits", and I posted their submissions. Likewise, I too put three things up here. The two you find the funniest, were put up by me. The other two? Those belong to Rob and Alex...

So like I said, contributions are encouraged...

Enjoy...

Grossest picture ever? OR the autopsy of a hooker caught up in some Keith Richards meets the Senator from the Godfather type deal? You be the judge...

And on the 10th anniversary of the realease of the movie, Office Space, what better than this little piece to help characterize the current economic mood...

For this next one, feel free to insert a friend's name into "I bet this is what happened to ______ when he was a kid", and pass it on down the line. For me, I've decided to insert the name "Mr. Tibbs", and if the kid were a minority of some kind, "Aldo Clavijo". Both friends from college, but God it would explain so much...

Ha! i don't know what's funnier. The fact that the kid's dad was getting a kick out of the whole thing, or the fact that I myself have probably echoed the exact same words as that toddler within the past 3-5 years...

I'm still trying to convince Frosco to tape the lie detector test his boss at the valet parking place is making him take to convince him Sco isn't skimming off the top, but Frosco A) doesn't seem pumped for the idea and B) doesn't have a video camera...(and yes, you read the part about a valet guy having him take a lie detector test correctly)...

Yet another example of my creativity being thwarted at every turn...

Well, what can you do, right? Even the best laid plans...

What you can do, is join up on Facebook with the RoochNatio0n blog network. It will keep you up to speed when I post new ish, and will also give you the proper forumn to give me mock praise (Marcus), or attempt to cut me down to size (Justin Lee). Don't worry, fellas, you got yours comin' in spades...

Catch you Monday for the RoochNation Top 25...

I'm out like Flynt...

100...

...oh and for the record, I don't care how fat Jessica Simpson gets, I'm still doin' her. Hell, I'd let her eat ice cream covered bacon from any crevase on my body she desired....Well, not my ear. That's just disgusting...