Now, of course I will continue updating this blog now and then, and especially when we get back to fully concentrating on TTC. For now, I'm going to follow my dream of photography and keep marching forward (and ttc a little here and there, can't stop--won't stop!)

Thursday, December 18, 2014

To feel so happy and sad at the very same time! I've noticed that the gals I've followed the past several years on here have MOSTLY all gotten their BFP and have gotten their SECOND BFP's! There are a few of you stranded out there just like me with no babies in our arms yet, and I'm so sorry... to know you feel what I feel makes me so very sad. But gosh, I've been ttc this long and most of you infertiles like me have gotten your SECOND bfp's and are about to pop with baby number 2! Can I have some of the water you're drinking?!

Congratulations to you ladies out there with so much success, you give us who haven't had our dreams come true hope to hold on to.

To those like me who are still waiting, wishing, hoping, trying.... I pray for you. I love you. And I'm sorry the holidays are going to be leaving us with a bitter feeling (somewhat in the back of our minds...)

Friday, December 12, 2014

This year has not been one for blogging for me.
You could say I've had some sort of writer's block... but frankly I've just not wanted to write about my journey...that I am still on. I think maybe it's best to bullet point Jan-Dec 2014 to catch my reader's up on what has been going on... if I still have readers out there! I'm sorry I've abandoned you!!

From Jan-July I don't remember much going on. I know in May I celebrated my 30th birthday in Vegas! I was trying my best to lose weight. I was extremely overwhelmed with my therapist job and merging with another company, audits out my ***. On July 1st I made a very tough decision to leave my job...it was affecting my marriage. It was causing my health to quickly decline. I was a walking zombie any time I was not at work. Long story short, I resigned.

I've been sort of at a loss with how much free time I've had. I've been doing changes around the house... and really diving head first into learning a long time passion of mine-photography. I've really enjoyed learning things such as long exposure, light painting, bokeh, macro photography. I am now slowly piecing my life back together and becoming a wife, and friend again. I felt like I was absent from life at that job. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED what I did, but when my job became more than being a therapist and taking over and picking up slack everywhere to where I became an interpreter, driver, transporter, teacher and therapist at my rehab (with no pay raise to reward the long hours or extra work I was doing) I decided (the moment I went to a specialist and he told me I was at high risk for another stroke--I've had two mini strokes in my life) with lots of prayer, counsel with people at my church, and praying with my husband that it was best for me to get healthy again, and at least take a break from working....and study photography.

I still at times wonder if I made the right decision, only because finances are tighter than before. But somehow we manage every time something comes up. We have become closer as a couple, we have lived just fine on a tighter budget and actually in October we were able to take a cruise for our anniversary. The cruise changed me. I realized that it is in my blood to travel. I made a decision to make it a goal to do something like that at least once a year. To recharge, to get away, to feed my soul. I hadn't laughed like that in a very long time. I hadn't slept that good in forever. I hadn't relaxed like that in years.

November was hard. I had a chemical pregnancy. And on to December which we are sure a chemical has happened again. The horrible bleeding (gushing, massive clots, excruciating pain) after faint positives on HPT's have got me down in the dumps. I'm 30 now and to feel the "failures" again have been emotionally draining.

I will most likely be starting progesterone supplementing to see if I'm actually ovulating and getting pregnant but not being able to carry the pregnancy due to hormones. I'll be happy to know if my body is actually ovulating again... though I've gained 20 pounds of the 60 I lost back in the past 5 months. That brings me to the next subject. I will be focusing more on gaining health. Since leaving my job and kind of being "lost" I've slacked on keeping healthy. I've rewarded myself with food when feeling sad, happy, successful, depressed, etc. This time last year I weighed 16 pounds lighter... and you can best bet I will get back to where I was SOON and hopefully lose a lot more!

Well so much for bullet points! That didn't quite work out. I'm sorry this is all over the place!

I'm going to post a few of my favorite photos I've taken this year. I know I still have a lot to learn, but I am very excited to finally be doing something I only dreamed of my entire life!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), also called hyperandrogenic anovulation (HA),[1] or Stein-Leventhal syndrome,[2] is one of the most common endocrine disorders among females. PCOS has a diverse range of causes that are not entirely understood, but there is strong evidence that it is largely agenetic disease.[3][4][5]

PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (approximately 12 to 45 years old). It is thought to be one of the leading causes of female subfertility[6][7][8] and the most frequent endocrine problem in women of reproductive age.[9] Finding that the ovaries appear polycystic on ultrasound is common, but it is not an absolute requirement in all definitions of the disorder.

PCOS is a curse on my body. It is a sex inhibitor. It is a constant shadow of grief that haunts me as I walk through my life. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a spiritual breaker. It is a mental destroyer. It is confidence sabotaging. PCOS chews up my dreams of motherhood and roughly spits them out one by one as the years pass by. It is a literal weight on my already torn down body that I must carry around each and every day. PCOS has reared it's ugly head into my marriage trying it's hardest to pulverize the bond between my husband and I.

PCOS has also given me a different perspective of womanhood and sexuality. It has allowed me to create bonds with women across the globe that I will forever be grateful for. PCOS has given me strength I've never known I was capable of. It has taught me that failures come in life, but they mold me into a greater woman, wife, sister, daughter and friend. PCOS has allowed me to cry, weep, and sob freely without judgement. It has given me an abundance of knowledge. PCOS has allowed me to be very hyper vigilant of my body and listen closely to the things that are happening with my body every day. It has allowed me to speak freely about sex, organs, diseases, failure, grief, marriages, intimacy, and learn from those alike.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Where has the time gone? Some days I wake up and have absolutely no idea what day it is. I cannot believe it is so near to September! My life has been okay. I've had some major changes, ups and downs. Realizations, and new goals. I wanted to quickly inform everyone that I not only have PCOS but also Endometriosis. These two are out to make sure I never conceive again. I desperately want a family some day but the past several years of hopes have been crushed. I'm even fearful at the thought of doing fertility treatments again. The hope you cling to and the embarrassment at the doctors. Those emotional whirlwinds were some of the hardest days in my life. I know it will most likely take treatments (if they are even successful) to ever have a family with my DH, but I just don't know if I'm ready to jump back in full time just yet. I'm working on all other areas in my life. My looks, my spirituality, my hobbies, my home. I still ache daily for a child in my arms. I still cry a little when friends and family get pregnant again (they are mostly all onto the 3rd or 4th child now...) Baby showers are easier. Baby stores are easier... I think it is just the fact that I'm going on 10 years ttc now... 7 of those with my now DH. It is just something I am used to now. It does get harder to deal with when I'm medically TTC and go through failed rounds-- another reason I'm not sure I'm ready to start treatments again. Most of the blogs I had followed several years ago have kind of disappeared... and I wonder what everyone out there is up to, and how everyone is doing. Most of you successfully got pregnant or adopted your precious babies... and I'm so happy for you! I miss the days of getting to know each and everyone of you and not feeling so alone on this crazy journey. Life is ever changing and the world just keeps on spinnin'...

To the right you can find a link to my photography page on Facebook! Head on over and let me know what you think!