A Letter to Myselves

There are so many things I wish I could tell you that would change the course of the heartbreak in your life.

I wish I could share wisdom with you (or even cram it down your throat) to help you avoid the days when the shadows are more prominent than the light.

The problem is you can’t listen to me because you need to do things your way. I mean this in the most loving way possible. You really do need to do it your way because you are becoming you. You learn who you are through trial, error, and paying attention (this means you’ll be making some mistakes.)

Most of the heartbreak you suffer will be coming to you at your own hands. Sure he will hurt you. Yes she will betray you. They will talk about you. Others will laugh at you. Many will leave you. Your thighs will be the wrong shape. Your tummy won’t be flat enough. You won’t like how your tush looks. Your hair will be too something. The real problem is that in those moments you will be harder on yourself than any of them could be.

You will believe you deserved things you didn’t. You will believe you didn”t deserve things you did. You may act tough and rash (or weak and wimpy,) but inside there will be a nagging voice that will turn on you. There is another voice inside you too. It’s the one you don”t listen to often enough, but you will wish you had. The sooner you obey it, the sooner you will find peace.

What can I do to prevent crappy things from happening to you? Nothing. I can’t stop those event in the first place, but we do have a choice and a voice about how long the crap continues to hit the fan. (When it hits the fan, the sooner you step out of the way the less shit will get on you.)

Here are some secrets you need to know…

you are not the only one who feels the way you do – they may not tell you they do, but they do

the things you tell yourself you can’t survive – you probably already have many times over

you will stop crying – it’s guaranteed

your body will never be just the way you want it – it doesn”t have to be the way you want it to be beautiful, have fun, give, and receive love anyway

a pair of fat pants is a wardrobe essential

if he or she doesn’t like your body – then by all means don”t let him or her have your body

have a backup plan for bad hair days

change is scary – so fucking what – do it anyway

if you aren’t kind to you – then you aren’t a kind person – be a kind person

pursue your dreams – learn more ways to say yes

if you don’t mean yes – then don’t say it

sleep is essential – but you can never own too many types of under-eye concealer

if they didn”t teach you the skills you need – go get them somewhere else

if you can’t forgive yourself – then you are not a forgiving person – be a forgiving person

it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

~e.e. cummings

Age 15. The black attire was a costume for play. But the grief was no act.

You must have subscribed ages ago! I have to tell you that your comment appearing so quickly is the “breadcrumb” I needed! I’m in the process of rebuilding the site. The other one was hacked. More about all of that will no doubt show up right here as I’ll be writing my way out of the cave I’ve been in. Thank you for being here and for being the little bit of validation I needed to know I’m on the right track. <3

WOW…! So last evening while chatting with my previously hopeless daughter, your name came up. She has just started some forward thinking thoughts again after spending the better part of the last two years focused on the end of life. Her renewed interest in going back to school for a MSW reminded me of your gifts. Gayle, you have a way to connect with people that matters! I shared with her how much you helped sort through the ‘mess’ that was my life at that time. Imagine my surprise when I later crawl into bed with phone in hand, for a quick check of email before sleep. And there YOU were! After way too long, I might add!!! Read and related big time to ‘A Letter to Myselves”. Called Kate into my bedroom to tell her how the universe had just eavesdropped on our convo and brought you back to life! Had her read the letter and she was equally inspired. Timing IS everything… With a grateful heart,

Tears. I have wondered so many times what happened with you and Kate. I would look at your Facebook page for hints. I suppose that process mimicked what people were doing with me and A Beautiful Mess’s Page. Sometimes you just don’t have words or the inclination to talk about what is is happening. I was too close. I had no perspective. Thankfully perspective and opportunity is arriving. So I’ll make my way back and share. Hopefully there will be useful nuggets in the sharing.

Please send Kate a hug for me. I’m glad she’s home and indeed had a home to come to.

And of course the timing gives me goosebumps. Yet another breadcrumb from the universe for me. Thank you for that!

Gayle, I’ve missed your messiness and wondered what was up. Glad you are back. Your messiness resonates with mine. I’m a loving and kind person trying to give myself the same level of love and acceptance I give others, not so easy. Live, love, laugh, let go, laugh some more.

I am new to Instagram and have no idea how I even got here lol maybe your name and it perked up my curiosity? You see I signed up years ago but didn’t understand all of it ( too much going on…I like simple things – low tech) But did see your name and seems you follow me. Many are but following what – I’m not writing but this (unless I did a while go) duh. I just know that after losing my son age 31 (five months today!) I am a mess…maybe a beautiful mess as someone told me I looked that way the other day “beautiful’ but I do not at all feel it…I feel like crap. Nothing as bad should happen to a mom as this and so painful and empty, complex and too more to even put into words. I read one of your notes (if they call them that on here) and it moved me. I was not sure about it completely as in who it was for assuming your daughter but I got the gist and was moved and wished my son heard and followed so many of your words but he was in his own world his own life and hurting, I could not save him 🙁 Very good writing and I loved the note on compassion. I find many say things which are just the opposite and mean well (I hope) but gimme a break some things said are flat out just not right. I feel highly invisible and alone inside this painful mess as you say and it is a good word for what has changed my life forever – mess is very fitting. Thank you for letting me vent, I wish you well. I will try to figure out Instagram soon but in a fog today. My best to you. Marianne

Hi Marianne. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. It’s a one breath at a time sort of time for you.

I hope you have a support system around you. Grieving with no support is dark – sometime you’ve got to let someone else hold the candle for you.

Instagram, etc. can be so overwhelming… take your time. You’ll figure it out! I’m in the process of rebuilding my website. There is a LOT of content hanging out on my Facebook Page… http://www.facebook.com/abeautifulmessinside.com. You might find some thing to help you hang on during the messy times.