The beautiful, funny & unsightly truths about raising 3 year old twins & an 8 year old singleton… with one on the way!

Why my radiotherapy is breaking my heart

You may or may not have noticed, I’ve gone quiet about my Cancer since meeting my Oncologist for the first time, just over a week ago. Well that is because I found out my radiotherapy will be much more difficult than I first thought.

The tumour found in the left side of my thyroid measured 6cm across and the Cancer went right the way to the edges. It is beleived I have been carrying this malignant Cancer for several years and there is a chance it may have reached the blood vessels and left some Cancer cells behind after my surgery.

This means I must have a particularly high dose of internal radiotherapy. Double the normal dose for my type of Cancer.

This means approximately 5 days in an isolation unit, where I am not allowed visitors, and anything I take into hospital must be thrown away. Anything I touch after swallowing the radioactive iodine, will become contaminated by my sweat, and become radioactive. I will be scanned numerous times by a geiger counter, until I am safe to be discharged from hospital.

That’s when the worst bit comes…

For somewhere between 10 – 16 days, I will not be allowed within 1-2 (preferably 3) metres of my husband or Bunny (or any other human being). So no touching, no hugs, no kisses. This is because my body will still be radioactive and pose a danger to the health of anyone who comes close to me. My radiologist said I will be “like an Xray machine we cannot turn off”. …

But the worst part…

I cannot go within 1-2 metres of the twins for somewhere between 21-28 days. That’s on top of my 5 days in isolation.

So I can’t hold or kiss or feed of comfort my own babies for around a month.

I am heartbroken.

I am distraught.

I have spent many days crying as I was not prepared for this and I don’t know how to deal with it. Bunny and I are seeing a Cancer psychologist, but I’m not sure how much he can help me with not being able to kiss my children. I live and breathe my children. They are my entire world.

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65 thoughts on “Why my radiotherapy is breaking my heart”

That is heartbreaking. How can you be expected to be in the same home as your lived ones and not go near them? I never knew radiotherapy can be so harsh. It will all be worth it though once it’s over. My heart goes out to you. Xxxxxxxcircusmum recently posted..Competition Time! £50 Voucher From CafePress!

This is so heartbreaking. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, so I will just say I’m thinking of you. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. XSarah MumofThree World recently posted..Poorly tummy

I always say the wrong thing so please forgive me if I offend – my mother died after fighting cancer when I was 20 and I’m 35 next month. I’d give anything to even be able to phone her and tell her I love her. What I’m trying to say is that it may seem hard right now, but the difference that treatment will make to your life to enable so many more kisses and hugs will out weigh that short time without.
You are a very strong woman and you can do this.
If there’s anything I can do then just shout xxPinkoddy recently posted..School Allocations: With Special Needs #SEN

I’m so sad for you Emma. There’s no doubt about it, this is going to be beyond tough but I know you’ll do it, you are so strong. Be brave and I’ll be praying for you x xSuzanne recently posted..Friday Favourites – April 2013

This breaks my heart to read, I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, on top of everything else you can’t be close to the people you need to be closest to, I hope and pray you have all the support you need.
X

My friend is currently undergoing very similar treatment to you and it is truly heartbreaking to watch her suffer not being able to kiss her boys goodnight. I know it’s easy for me to say but you’re doing a very brave thing and there’s light at the end of the tunnel as you secure your families future. Thinking of you xxMrsShilts recently posted..Freedom, teething and sunshine..

God that sounds so hard. I have no words to comment really as have never experienced anything close to what u r going through. I hope blogging about it helps you and that you know how amazing you are xxxWallyMummy recently posted..Toddler Dining – The Truth, The Facts, The Gin…

I met you only for a few brief moments last Thursday but after reading your story, you have my complete admiration. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. Hugs xx
But I must say that you being such a strong person and having gone through so much will meet this head on too and come out even stronger. Any help…please let me know.

*hugs* It must be an incredibly hard thing to have to face and I would feel the same as you. I really would. The treatment is going to get you better:)) and you have to try and think of the long run ;)) xx

Horrendous, but you will get through it and your twins and older daughter will understand eventually, in their own way. Good luck – I’m thinking of you. Lots of love xxxSAlly recently posted..5:2 Friday #4

Hayleysays:

Oh Hun that will be hard. I remember when my dads boss had radiotherapy and he was told similar although it was mainly to stay away from pregnant women and children. You will get out the other side because you have a reason too, the kids. X

I don’t know what to say. Only that you are so brave and you write about something so painful so beautifully. I joke about my children all the time and how I can’t wait for bedtime. You’ve just made me appreciate why I shouldn’t. Thinking of you and will be following your progress. You are amazing for sharing this and all us mothers are with you x

I can’t say anything that will make things better – I wish I could . I can only imagine how awful it will be. But you are strong, you can do it and you will be able to hug your twins again. My hopes and prayers go to you at this difficult time xLouise recently posted..#R2BC

This is heartbreaking. I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling. I suppose the only thing you can do is keep thing of the positive of the treatment… You will be able to give your children years of hugs when its all over. Big hugs xxxxxxsammie Hodges recently posted..Sunshine, giggles and proud moments….

My heart is breaking for you just reading this. You are being subjected to some truly hideous experiences but as all your readers know, you will get through and come out the other side, stronger and brighter for it. The first hug will be more precious than anything in the world and is worth hanging on for. I wish the time away for you and hope that writing can bring you comfort in the dark days ahead.Faded Seaside Mama recently posted..The Gallery: Expressions

Becky Cowleysays:

I read your post last night & have not been able to stop thinking about you & your family and the heartbreaking situation you are in. I can’t really find the right words to offer any comfort, I don’t really think anything I can say with help. I just wanted you to know that I had been and will continue to hold you in my thoughts and hope you find some comfort in positive messages xx

So sorry Emma. This must be heartbreaking. My father was seriously ill with cancer from when I was 6. He received huge doses of radiotherapy and was also in insolation. It broke his heart being away from us but it saved his life and he turned 60 last year. Will be thinking of you and how difficult a journey you are on. Much love, Helen xxHelen Braid recently posted..Lost & Found

It is just heartbreaking, I know I’ve mentioned before about my step-daughters and their Mother, but they were both over 10, they were big girls in comparison. They were not infants and their 3 weeks went past really quickly.

Use webcams and baby monitors, be a part of what’s going on. Talk to them through glass – although you won’t be able to touch them, you will be able to be incredibly close to them.

Does it make sense to wear your favourite perfume every day or save clothes (cardi’s, jumpers) that you’ve worn to put with your children so that they can always smell you (and vice versa with your children’s clothes?)

I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling, I really can’t. But you aren’t going through this for the next month, you’re going through it for the sake of the next 40 or 50 years and everything that entails, and we’ll all be expecting some absolutely fabulous posts while you wait it out seeing as you’ll have so much time on your hands! xxxxThe Brick Castle recently posted..Optifit Bras ~ goodbye 38E

*Things you’ve worn now, before the treatment, not things from later – I didn’t make that clear and I know you’ll understand but I don’t want to look a complete div…. 🙂The Brick Castle recently posted..Optifit Bras ~ goodbye 38E

Anne Wallwinsays:

Carolinsays:

Reading this made me so sad, you have an incredibly hard task infront of you, but you have a goal and thats the most important thing of all: a life with your lovely family – and what are these 4 weeks compared to the decades to come, seeing your children grow up, grwoing old with your husband, hugging grandchildren one day. Its hard now but it seems a little price to pay for the years that will be given to you. I feel for you and wish you lots of luck and strength xx

It is hard to put into words how I feel for you Emma, I feel so awful BUT as you know, the wheels are in motion with me and Phil and some others behind the scene to help you through this very difficult time. I will draft a post this afternoon with regards to what we have spoken about and will get it over to you for your review. You are a true inspiration to so many people. We will all be here to support you and hold your virtual hand through what is going to be a very difficult time. Thinking of you xxxVerily Victoria Vocalises recently posted..NaPoWriMo Day 26 – The Blogger

Sending you a huge hug. The thought of that must be so incredibly hard…. But one day they will understand. I love the suggestions of the prevoius poster, some great ideas there. Wishing you strength… Emma xx

Tedi Williams-Posladeksays:

So incredibly unfair Emma and my heart goes out to you and your family dear. Why don’t you find the sweetest, softest, most cuddly doll and send them “mummy” kisses and cuddles thru it virtually all the time with the help of people around you. Maybe writes little daily love notes (sweet little nothing things your might say) for all the children in advance so they can be read to them by others…or you can read them from a safe distance. It will keep you busy preparing maybe. It’s such a difficult situation, I have no idea how to console you as I’ve never had to walk in your shoes. Be brave, there is no way but forward and through it so find courage you didn’t know you possessed and gather strength from the love around you and conquer the beast. Thoughts and prayers with you.

My heart goes out to you as you know it does. Is it possible to0 be ion another place, so they can not see you. They will not understand and it is going to be hard, but this is all so they can have you around for much longer.

I am so sorry to read this and completely understand your distress but this has to be done, you must focus on the longer picture and hopefully that time will pass in the blink of an eye.
Sending you my biggest hugs
mari xMari recently posted..30 years onwards – How I’ve changed #SpecialK30

How awful, as if cancer isn’t bad enough, you then have your support network pulled out from under you when you need it most. Stay strong. It will be an awful month, but remember a month is very short in return for the time this treatment is giving you with your loved oneskath knitty mummy recently posted..Entrelac Scarf

I can feel your heart breaking with every word. Stay strong, you’ve already come so far, you can do this. It’s a short time to be apart from your babies considering it could give you a lifetime with them when it’s over. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way xx

No wonder you feel distraught. It all sounds so worrying and stressful for you and your family. I’m sure your little ones will be surrounded by lots of love from the rest of your family whilst you are unable to cuddle them. Get better very soon and let’s hope time flies by xx

Katie @mummydaddymesays:

I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that Is going to be for you. I can’t even physically imagine it. But you are going to get better from it so you can kiss them and hug them for years to come. I just wanted to leave a comment to say how brave I think you are. X

What a horrific idea – I’m so so sorry that you are going to have to go through that. I hope this is all behind you very soon. This too will pass. xxxxEleanor Mum/Me recently posted..Freelancing firsts

Sarah & Stuartsays:

This is the first I (Stuart) have heard of your story, such terrible news you’ve received. I have never been away from my kids for more than two nights, that was difficult enough. Wishing you the best of luck with your fight, and it’s clear to see so many people are praying for your recovery for the sake of you and your family.

Oh hun. that is so sad. I can completely understand why you are gutted but as everyone said above its all for the right reasons and you will be able to spend the rest of your life making it up to them! Its hard though as I can imagine now is the time that you feel you need their hugs (and they yours) more than ever. If I can do anything say the word! x

sadly the twins will not understand this, I hope you have lots of loving help at home to get you through this very tough time. huge hugs to youElaine Livingstone recently posted..Baking snacks for a diabetic – scones

sylviesays:

You are an amazing inspiring and beautiful woman. This must be an unimaginably hard time for you, keep your pecker up. You are a wonderful Mum and wife and you have so many future memories to look forward to with your precious family….. X