After the death of a loved one, attending to the niceties of etiquette might be the last thing you want to do. Nevertheless, it's an important part of life to acknowledge others' kindness in times of grief and hardship. Sending a short, simple thank you note is not only basic etiquette, but also a thoughtful way to convey your appreciation for those who were involved in the lives of your late loved one.

Steps

Part 1

Gathering Supplies

1

Compile a list of people to thank. A potential list could include the director and staff of the funeral home, as well as people who sent flowers, prepared a meal, or otherwise helped arrange the service. Be sure to send a note of thanks to the officiant who conducted the services. If someone expressed an especially meaningful sentiment to you at the funeral, feel free to include that person on the list, as well.[1]

You will want to have a notepad and pen handy to jot down each person's name and what they contributed. It's likely to be too much to try to remember on your own. You can delegate this task to another family member, but be sure that they get the first and last names of donors and what they gave or did for the services.

People to include on your list are: pallbearers, officiants, musicians, those who made any kind of donation (food, memorial, or flowers), and those who helped you in a tangible way with the arrangements (contacting the funeral home or babysitting your children, for example).[2]

Keep in mind that you do not need to send thank you notes to every person who attended the funeral. Only those who went above and beyond in their service or assistance need thank you notes. Everyone else can simply be thanked verbally at the service.[3]

2

Decide between cards or stationery. There are many choices in thank you card design. Choose a card that looks elegant and understated. Or, if you prefer, you can buy nice stationery and fully hand-write your notes. The design, wording, and cards/stationery are ultimately matters of personal preference.[4]

Generally you should avoid sending an email or ecard in place of a handwritten thank you note, as these can seem impersonal.

3

Choose blank thank you cards so you’ll have room to write. Regardless of what style of thank you note you select, look for blank cards or cards with minimal writing inside them. This way you will have space to write, and your thanks will stand out.[5]

4

Keep it simple. Although etiquette is important, do not stress yourself out over these thank you notes. This is an instance of it being the thought that counts. Don’t worry about sending the wrong kind of card or choosing an ugly stationery. You are grieving, and these notes are simply a way for you to thank those who helped you during a tough time.

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Part 1 Quiz

Who should you send your thank you notes to after the funeral?

Everyone who attended

Try again. While you may be incredibly grateful to those who came to pay their respects, don't worry about sending each individual person a thank you note. Giving verbal thanks is more than sufficient during your time of grief. There are some people who should be personally thanked, if you can manage, however. Pick another answer!

The funeral home staff

Almost! The funeral home staff might be on your list of people to thank if they did a good job helping you during this challenging time. There are more people to consider, however. Try again...

Anyone who went the extra mile during the service

Correct! You may want to send thank you notes to the catering service, the florist, and the funeral staff, but the decision in who to thank is up to you--who do you feel made the day seamless and special? They deserve a thank you. Read on for another quiz question.

The service officiant

Close! The officiant was an important part of the funeral service, and it is a good idea to thank them for their help and kindness. Still, there are others who worked to make the day as smooth as possible, and you don't want to leave them out. Click on another answer to find the right one...

Part 2

Deciding What to Say

1

Speak from the heart. Let the person know how much it meant to you that they were there for you during your time of need and that it meant a lot to you that they contributed in some way. There are many ways to approach the wording in your thank you notes, and all of them depend on what the person did for you and your loved ones. You might simply write two sentences thanking them for thinking of you at this time of great loss in your life and letting them know that it meant a lot to you.[6]

If you are especially close to the person you’re thanking, feel free to include a personal anecdote or story from the deceased’s life, if you share one with whomever you’re thanking. Personalizing your thank you notes is always a nice touch, but certainly don’t feel that you must do this.

2

Be specific. In your thank you notes, reference specifically what the person or group you’re thanking contributed after your loved one passed. Whether it was a meal, flowers, or a memorial donation in their honor, specify what you’re thanking them for and let them know that their thoughtfulness meant a lot to you.[7]

Begin your thank you note generally and build to more specifics. For example, good starting points would say something general, such as "Thank you for your kindness during this difficult time" or "Our family appreciates your support during this difficult time."[8]

Then you can build to how they helped you specifically. After thanking them for their kindness if they delivered a meal, for example, you might say something like "The meal you sent us was wonderful because it made one less thing for me to worry about. We truly appreciated it." The key is to thank them for their specific contribution.[9]

3

Avoid mentioning specific dollar amounts. If you’re writing a thank you note to someone who gave a monetary donation in memory of your loved one, thank them for their donation, but don’t mention how much they gave. Simply say that you are thankful for their generosity in honoring your deceased loved one.[10]

Good phrasing for a monetary donation might read like "Thank you for your generosity in our time of grief. The donation in honor of [deceased's name] means a lot to us." This way you convey your appreciation without mentioned how much they gave.[11]

4

Don’t feel obligated to write long, detailed notes. Two or three sentences is sufficient to communicate your gratitude. The act of actually taking time to send individual thank you notes speaks volumes about how thankful you are. Don’t feel like you need to write long paragraphs to communicate your thankfulness.[12]

Sign the notes either with your own name or “Family of [Deceased’s Name].”

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Part 2 Quiz

What should your thank you note include?

Many details

Try again. The act of taking the time to write a thank you note amidst the rest of your responsibilities is enough to show how much you care. A short note is perfectly acceptable and you don't need to stress over writing something long and detailed. Pick another answer!

An anecdote

Not necessarily! If you feel an anecdote is appropriate, by all means, you may include one. It helps to make the card feel special and personalized. Still, there may be instances where you won't want to include an anecdote and that's fine too. There are elements that every thank you note should have, however. Pick another answer!

An acknowledgment of how much money they donated

Nope. Donating after a funeral is a common practice, but you don't want to mention the specific dollar amount, as it comes across crass and inappropriate. Instead, simply thank the person for their generosity and leave numbers out of it. There’s a better option out there!

Specificity

That's right! Your thank you note can be short, but it's important to acknowledge the specific thing you are grateful for, a meal, kind words at the service, excellent and discreet work from the staff. This will personalize your letter and show how much you care. Read on for another quiz question.

Part 3

Sending the Notes

1

Try to send them within two weeks. General etiquette rules dictate that you need to send thank you notes within two weeks of the funeral. Your friends and loved ones know you’re grieving, so if you take longer to send the notes out, don’t worry. A late thank you note is better than no thank you note at all.[13]

2

Solicit help if you need it. If the prospect of thanking dozens of people after the death of a loved one feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to ask those around you for help. Even if it’s sending someone to the post office to buy you stamps or envelopes, delegate tasks to close friends or family members.[14]

3

Remember that thank you notes are not a requirement. Finally, don’t feel bad if you don’t get around to thank you notes. While they are a key component of good etiquette, during times of grief, etiquette can take a backseat to our mourning. So if you can’t emotionally get through the thank you notes, don’t beat yourself up for not finishing them.

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Part 3 Quiz

True or False: If you cannot send your thank you notes within 2 weeks, you should not send them.

True

Try again! Remember that sending thank you notes is good form, but not a requirement during your time of grief. If you're able to send thank you notes after more than two weeks have passed, go ahead and do so, as people will still be grateful for the sentiment. Either way, don't beat yourself up if you are unable to complete them within two weeks or at all. Pick another answer!

False

That's right! In most situations, you want to send out thank you notes within two weeks. Still, people understand you are grieving and will appreciate a thank you note even if it does come later. If you find yourself inundated with grief and new responsibilities, don't worry overmuch about sending the cards. People will understand. Read on for another quiz question.

Community Q&A

I have some beautiful blank note cards with my Mother's name imprinted on the front of the card. Since she was the one who passed, would it be appropriate to use those cards instead of using ones with "thank you" on the front? I can't afford to buy new cards, so I thought this might be okay.

wikiHow Contributor

Yes, you can definitely use the blank cards with your mother's name on them. On the inside message you can express your thanks to whomever you send the cards.

How do I thank a friend of my brother's for paying for and preparing the after funeral meal?

wikiHow Contributor

I've written something along the lines of:
"Thank you for the kindness and caring you showed in providing such a delicious dinner. Your love for [the deceased] was so sincere in every dish - and all homemade! For many of us, this was the first real meal we could sit down and enjoy since s/he passed. Your thoughtfulness is so appreciated. Sincerely, the ___ Family"

What is the best way to write a thank you note after receiving funeral flowers? Should I describe the type of flowers I received?

wikiHow Contributor

Write something like this: "I wanted to thank you for the flowers you sent me. They were very thoughtful." If the flowers carried a meaning you're away of, then you could make a mention of that (see the meaning of flowers) or you could mention that they were the deceased's favorite, if this was the truth, such as: "Thank you for the flowers. They were Marie-Claire's favorites. I know she'd have appreciated your caring thoughts."

Should I sign or write something additional on a pre-printed thank you card from the funeral home?

wikiHow Contributor

Only if you want to, perhaps to a special person or someone who did something special, such as read or sang at the funeral or helped with the wake or something. It is not really expected as people know you have suffered a loss, but a quick line for a special thing done or extra generous memorial donation would be fine.

How do I write a thank you to a Sunday school class for their sympathy and a memorial?

wikiHow Contributor

Say thank you by going in person into their class. You could award small prizes such as a piece of jewelry, a book, a gift voucher, etc. to class members who were particularly helpful. Or, throw the whole class a morning tea.

If you're struggling to write the card with young children around, ask a family member or friend to mind them for a hour or two. If you don't know what to say, keep it simple and don't be afraid to let tears flow.

Tips

Don’t try to do everything yourself. Try to enlist the help of willing family members and close friends. Writing thank you notes might help you with your grief, but it can be hard to focus on tasks after a major loss. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.