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WASHINGTON – My ex-wife called me up and asked had I heard about this, but a 6-year-old boy named Falcon climbed into his father’s makeshift helium balloon that had been loosely tethered in their backyard. In what can only be an absolute nightmare for all involved, the damn thing became untethered. Now this poor kid is over Colorado at altitudes of up to 7,000 feet and drifting in winds approximately 20 miles an hour. They are unable to see inside the basket to see if the boy is ok or even still in the basket. But while I was typing this, it seems as if the balloon, after 2 hours in the air, finally reached the ground on its own and reports are that the boy is not in the basket.…

Eunice, LA – I joke all the time about having bodies and various body parts hidden throughout and around my home. When the kids are looking for something, I tell ’em to check in the closet, behind the severed head of that dude from the grocery store who cut in front of me. Or, under the bed, where the last kid that smarted off to me ended up. My favorite saying to someone who is getting on my nerves? “You’re about to become a funky smell coming from the attic.” But, if I were ever to discover an actual decomposing body rotting away somewhere underneath my house, I would be freaked beyond therapeutic help. The Hannon family thought that funky smell was coming from a dog that had up and died under the house. It wasn’t a dog. It was 43-year-old Duan Andrus. The question now is, how the hell did he get there? …

PALM BAY, Fla. – And I thought MY Monday was bad. A mother, father and their 15-year-old son were attempting to install a 50-foot-long ham radio antenna in the dark when they lost control of the pole. The pole ended up hitting a 13,000 volt power line killing all three of them. The mother was found dead at the scene, the father and son died later at the hospital. The incident happened at around 8:40 pm at the home of the man’s mother. Their 17-year-old daughter was inside the home and a 17-year-old friend was on the roof at the time of the incident; neither were harmed. This is a really tragic story, and I am not adding insult to injury when I say this – but putting up a 50-foot-long pole at night? Let this be a lesson for any of you who were not aware of that being a really bad idea.…

Caldwell, Idaho – When paramedics arrived back to Canyon County Paramedic Building from a bogus 911 call about a car accident, they were shocked to see 35-year-old Melissa Farris pinned under the garage door and unconscious. She later died of asphyxiation at Saint Alphonsus Regional Medical Center. No one knows exactly why Melissa, who once worked at the building as a paramedic from October 2001 to December 2008, ended up under the garage door. But it has been revealed that the 911 call the team had responded to had been placed by Melissa herself in a successful attempt to lure her former employees out of the building. “It means for us that she was wanting to get into that ambulance bay when nobody was there. I think that is pretty clear,” Caldwell Police Chief Chris Allgood told the Idaho Press-Tribune. “It does look like she was trying to get people out of the building before she went in.“…

SACRAMENTO – Ok, now this isn’t anything horrific or depressing, but it is something I need to address as it is very important to me. A dance routine was performed at Rio Americano High School that has some parents crying foul that the routine was too racy and sexually explicit. “It was not something I would want my son looking at. I didn’t find it to be appropriate or acceptable,” said parent P.J. Bascom. Now I have checked the video out, and you can to after the jump, and I can see some parents concerns. There are six gorgeous teen-aged girls dancing very badly yet in a very sexual manner. A lot of time is spent bent over and doing hip rotations. As a parent myself, I think that it is my duty to…

MIAMI-DADE COUNTY, Fla – Miccosukee police responded to a call on the Miccosukee Indian Reservation about vehicles in the parking lot of a casino being broken into. One man was captured at the scene, but another ran away and dove into a retention pond located behind the establishment. If he knew it or not is not clear at this point, but this pond has live alligators in it with signs clearly stating that fact. After being informed of this, the man decided that the cops were probably a way better option than being eaten alive by alligators, so he began making his way back to shore. Unfortunately, the man met Poncho before he could reach safety. Poncho is the alligator nick-named by the locals who lives in the pond. Witnesses heard the man scream shortly after seeing Poncho before disappearing under the water. His body was later found by divers, 50 ft below the surface. He had several bite marks on his head. Poncho was captured and killed, per Florida law, and will be incinerated or buried after Miami-Dade medical examiner can check him out.…

Commerce, TX – That’s it. I never thought this day would come, but, it has. I am marking the date and time on my calendar – as of 5:00 a.m. on September 28th, I have officially heard it all. After today, I highly doubt that I will ever be shocked or by surprised by anything. Officers were called to the Commerce Hardware and Feed on a report of an elderly man blowing an unknown substance into the face of a store employee. The employee told officers that she had reached out to take the man’s check and he blew some whitish, powdery, substance in her face. Undaunted, the cashier turned to the register to process the check and when she turned to face the man, he blew the powdery shit in her face again. (I can’t believe she didn’t freak out and scream “Anthrax!!!”) Anyway, the old guy stood around for a few minutes then left the store and the cashier called the cops. She gave a description of the man and the cops were on his trail.…

Imperial, MO– James Looney used to be a grouchy old fart. Neighbors said the 40-year-old man always kept to himself and, at times, would scream at kids for daring to step on his lawn. All of that changed when he met his girlfriend, Kim Thompson, about a month ago. He moved her into his home and agreed to raise her 2-week-old son as his own. Shortly after setting up house together, Looney accepted a job as an over the road trucker – a job that would keep him away from his new family two to three nights a week. Concerned about his ready-made family’s safety while he was out on the road, Looney decided to school Kim on the importance of gun safety. Now, I couldn’t tell you much about guns and safety and all that happy crap – I’m more of a Louisville Slugger type of gal. But, right off the top of my head, I can name three rules of gun safety. #1. Always assume a gun is loaded.…

KAMIAH, Idaho – On September 5th, 20-year-old Michelle Childers and her husband were taking a scenic drive along the Lochsa River when she was viciously assaulted by a spruce tree. As she was talking with her husband, the tree reached into the passenger side of the truck and impaled her through the neck. Surprisingly, she was not immediately killed and completely conscious even though she had a tree limb sticking out of her throat. An hour later they reached Lochsa Lodge where a life flight helicopter was called. She was taken to St. Patrick Hospital and after a 6-hour surgery, the 13-inch spruce limb was removed. Wanna see a pic of the limb in her neck? Of course ya’ do. Check it out after the jump.…

Zachary, LA – In these hard economic times, sometimes you have to get creative. Chances are, when money’s tight, your recreational fund is the first one to get the cut. So what’s a girl to do when she wants to get her drink on? You could head to the nearest bar with a low cut top and an exaggerated wiggle in your walk and wait for the drinks to come to you OR you could be like Lisa Newsome. Newsome made use of a huge housecoat, some strong thigh muscles and a maybe even a cavernous vajayjay to walk out of a local grocery with a case of beer. Score!…

Detroit, Michigan Around here, what’s in your freezer serves as badge of honor. We don’t go to the grocery store to purchase meat, we slaughter our own. Unless you’ve had local farm raised beef, pork, etc., you would have no idea what I’m talking about. And venison. Deer run crazy around here and a couple kills will feed a family for a long time. We also have our share of gaming birds, pheasant, quail, dove. Needless to say, if I were to rummage through one of my neighbor’s freezers, that shit better be marked because there’s no telling what I’m likely to pull out of there. (All of it good though) But I’ll have to admit, I may look a little closer and ask a few more questions from now on. Especially after reading about the contents this freezer held. I’m fairly sure defrosting one of these packages would have put me off meat for a while.…

When I woke up today, I never thought that within hours, I would lose a very big part of my life – but that is exactly what happened. Nothing can ever come close to explaining the loss I feel right now, especially after losing you in such an unforeseen, violent accident. Sadder still is the fact that it is all my fault. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and I shudder at that thought. Five years ago you came to my house with some stupid E-Tard for an after-party I was throwing. You were here the next morning waiting for me and never left. I am not going to lie, I have had many of you, but none that stuck around like you did, and fit me so well that I NEVER thought of another. That is why this loss is hitting me in the gut like a sledgehammer and I cannot believe this has happened.…