Late-Night Laughs

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Debates Fodder for Late-Night Humor

Oct 20, 2008

Jay Leno: “And of course, people in Hollywood” do not “know how to deal with fires, especially celebrities,” because “when Hollywood celebrities see a burning bush, they rush towards it,” thinking “Barack Obama’s about to speak.”

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said today if it wasn’t for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channels openly rooting for him isn’t enough.”

Jay Leno: “Vice President Dick Cheney was treated, today, for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren’t sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices.”

Jay Leno: “Well, doctors now say drinking alcohol shrinks your brain. … Their proof -- the last eight years of the White House.”

David Letterman: “I watched the debate, and, honestly, there was no question…who looked more presidential. Bob Schieffer.”

David Letterman: “Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I mean, I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta.”

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held. … Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, in fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, ‘Get him!’”

Conan O’Brien: “Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. … Palin said she wouldn’t have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain’s completely out.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, underwrote” the debate. They “paid for everything, which is a little…odd because Cindy McCain owns” an “Anheuser-Busch wholesaler in Arizona. … I don’t know much about running for president, but it seems to me that John McCain’s not spending nearly enough time working ‘the my wife can get us free beer angle.’ Right?”

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Jay Dave Conan and Jimmy are the real joke! They are a legend in their own minds.

Anonymous10/20/2008 07:56 PM

Dear Dave;
I've been keeping track of your jokes about presidential candidates lately. Here's the score....Jokes about McCain 15. Jokes about Obama 1. Oh, I'm sorry, that was also a joke about McCain as told by an Obama aide. :-)
BTW, if Obama wins, will this continue?
Sincerely,
Americans for equal opportunity joke-telling on the campaign trail.