Puerto Rico

How many of us can recall, upon learning that Puerto
Rico is a United States "possession," a
"commonwealth," thinking, "Well, why isn't it a
state?" The obvious answer, of course, is because 50
states is such a nice number, and 51 is not. How
would you get 51 stars on the flag?

Following a modicum of research, however, one
discovers the true reason that Puerto Rico, taken by
the U.S. following the defeat of Spain in the
Spanish-American war of 1898 (The war that made Teddy
Roosevelt and the Rough Riders famous, and the war
that has the distinction of being the only American
war in which more casualties were suffered because of
disease than battle), is a territory and not a state:
Puerto Rico doesn't want to be a state. Puerto Rico
has no reason to want to become a state. Because
Puerto Rico is in a strategic location should the
Cubans ever stop rolling cigars and starving long
enough to move aggressively against the U.S., the
United States will maintain their presence on this
Caribbean island, and so independence is probably a
pipe dream. Barring true nation status, what could be
better than being a U.S. territory? Consider: Puerto
Ricans are American citizens, free to migrate back and
forth with little more difficulty than, say, moving
from South Dakota to North Dakota (though the
P.R./U.S. move would require much more swimming and
much less snow); Puerto Rico is under U.S. Customs
laws, and so has no limits or tariffs on imports or
exports between the island and the titanic Twinkie that is the continental U.S.;
Puerto Rico is protected by the U.S. military from any
warlike expansionist neighbors like Haiti or the
Virgin Islands; and, best of all, Puerto Ricans do not
vote in federal elections, and do not pay federal
income tax. Imagine that: no blame can be laid on
Puerto Rico for the idiocy of our elected leaders (and
that is non-partisan biliousness, thank you), and
their tax dollars do not pay for American imperialism.
Indeed, as long as they have this level of official
separation, Puerto Rico can claim to be a victim of
American imperialism - and we all know how much fun
that is.

Let us delve deeper: Puerto Rico's climate is, of
course, Caribbean; the temperature ranges between 73
and 78 degrees Fahrenheit all year long. Yet Puerto
Rico, with 3.95 million residents in 3,500 square
miles, has a higher average population density than
any U.S. state, and higher than almost any country in
the world - more than 1,100 people per square mile.
And with 60% of the island covered with mountains,
Puerto Rico has all of the joys of urban sprawl
available in New York, Chicago, Philadelphia or
Boston, without Northeastern winters - though there
may be a few more hurricanes in Puerto Rico than in
Baltimore. The Christmas season in Puerto Rico lasts
from Thanksgiving Day until "Las Octavitas," eight
days after Epiphany, or January 14. Children get
presents both on Christmas Day and on Epiphany, the
celebration of the Three Wise Men's arrival at
Christ's bedside on January 6; on January 5, the night
before Epiphany, children leave grass under their beds
for the Three Kings' camels. How can other Americans
live with themselves, after centuries of starving
those poor beasts? Fie to your milk and cookies for
the fat man in red!

Onward: the people of Puerto Rico are as fascinating
as people anywhere, of course; but rather than worry
about the deeper sociological implications of such a
topic, let us simply discuss what we really care about
- celebrities. Apart from the literary luminaries of
the Nuyorican poets cafe, Jesus Colon and Miguel
Pinero among them, Puerto Rico is the birthplace of
golfer ChiChi Rodriguez, baseball Hall of Fame member
Roberto Clemente, actor Raul Julia, musicians Jose
Feliciano and Tito Puente, and quadruple threat Rita
Moreno, the first woman to win an Oscar (for "West
Side Story," of course, and what twisted mind could
expect a page on Puerto Rico not to mention that
film?), a Grammy, an Emmy, and a Tony award. It must
be noted as well that the oldest man in the world,
113-year-old Emiliano Mercado del Toro, is a resident
of San Juan. He took the title in January of 2005,
and before May 29 of 2004, the world's oldest living
person was 114-year-old Ramona Trinidad Iglesias
Jordan. She lived in Puerto Rico as well.

The question, then, is not why Puerto Rico is not a
state. It is why we haven't all moved to Puerto Rico.