My father excluded my siblings from his will — should I give them money?

My father died last year and left his estate to me. Our mother died a few years ago, and I lived close by. My other two siblings visited just as often and were there for him too, but they had more strained relationships with our father. He was very controlling, argumentative and unforgiving — at the best of times. My brother is gay and my father could never come to terms with that. He also never approved of my sister’s husband. They both tried time and again to make peace with my father in his final years.

My sister is married and has a home of her own, but she has said it’s unfair that I inherited his estate and thinks I should divide our family home three ways. She also made a big deal about a six-figure sum of money left to me by our father and, if I kept it, threatened to never speak to me again. My brother was more sanguine, but I know he could do with a helping hand. I don’t have to worry about retirement anymore, but I also feel half-guilty, half-smug about walking away with the lot. Should I divide it?

Joseph in Atlanta

Dear Joseph,

Aside from leaving behind an awful lot of money, your father appears to have done in death what he did in life: Cause division and acrimony, only this time he has passed that mantle on to you. It’s sad and frustrating — even from the view of a third party — that he didn’t use his last days to reflect on his life and use his death to heal any ill-will toward his children. Instead, he skipped town (metaphorically speaking) and left a new mess for you. I don’t envy you your task and I can understand how your sister’s stance would make you less — not more — likely to give any of it away.

It’s a familiar tale. Shakespeare’s King Lear made a critical mistake by excluding his faithful daughter and giving his land to his two ungrateful daughters. He also decided to stick around to see how it would play out, and it didn’t end pretty. (I’ve never been able to think of the White Cliffs of Dover quite in the same way again after reading that play.) “Empire,” a new hip-hop soap on Fox, updates the age-old plot with a dying record executive and his three sons. (Two disclosures: I haven’t seen “Empire” and, in 2013, News Corp.
NWS, +1.64%
, which owns The Wall Street Journal and MarketWatch, spun off Fox
FOX, -1.97%
.)

When siblings are left off the will

Can siblings left out of a family's will find resolution? Moneyologist Quentin Fottrell discusses with Tanya Rivero on Lunch Break.

But while feuding families have been turned into artistic gold, in real life these tawdry tales mostly amount to backbiting and resentment and, possibly worse, a cliché. Two-thirds of people involved in a family squabble over a will have no regrets, despite the impact on their family, according to a survey released last year by Seddons, a law firm based in the U.K. And 30% of the survey’s respondents indicated that the family “still doesn’t talk” and another 30% reported that the family is “still very much divided.” Only 12% said that their family relations were not damaged because of the feud.

You’re not alone. Arguments over wills are more frequent when they involve siblings (44%) rather than parents and their children or other relatives, according to the Seddons survey of 1,500 people involved in disputes. More than half (51%) of all the disputes were related to a piece of property or land, while money (32%) and personal possessions such as jewelry (21%) were the next most popular reasons to fall out. Some 41% of the disputes involved allegations that the will was incompetent or negligent, the survey found, and the choice of executor was reported as a factor in 17% of fights.

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Heirs typically have nine months to “disclaim” inheritance or part of their inheritance, which can help you avoid gift tax (if you were to give your siblings money), but you should check the will to see what happens to money/assets that have been disclaimed. I won’t tell you to keep all of it or split it three ways or even give some of it away, or even do nothing and quietly tell your siblings to contest the will, but I will ask you one question: What do you think your father should have done? That will give you your answer. The late Sherwin Nuland, who died last year and wrote the influential book, “How We Die,” learned a lot from being around people who were dying.

He told National Public Radio: “Getting old is hard and dying ain’t pretty … What gives dignity to death is the dignity of the life that preceded it.”

Do you have questions about tipping, weddings, re-gifting, or any tricky money issues relating to family and friends? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyologist.

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