Friday, September 30, 2016

Black Dog Dead - September

I’ve spent
more of this year broken than I would have liked. Much more.

Especially a
large, long part of August that seemed to drag on forever. Now, the fact is, in
the scheme of a 365-day year, maybe it doesn’t add up to all that much. But
once again the extent to which I was broken skews my ability to measure such
things. It takes a conscious effort to adjust the scale.

Generally
when it comes to beating ourselves up, we’re straight in there with the boot.
But it takes an effort to be kind to ourselves. To stop and judge ourselves
more favourably.

Here we are
now at the end of September and I am recovering from my broken August, day by
day, but part of this month’s recovery process involved constant reminders of
how far behind I’d fallen with my planned work. Tough to escape that when
you’re getting yourself back on track and you’re coming face to face with how
much you have to do daily if you want to meet that deadline you’d set yourself.

As discussed
last month, some of that can be countered and remedied by paring back on your
ambitions. In my case, that has amounted to narrowing my focus down to the
single main project. Postponing other aims is hard and feels like failure, but
we just have to remember that we can protect ourselves to some degree by
separating what happens from how we react.

As always
it’s a matter of control and while we can’t always control how we respond to anything,
we stand a much better chance of controlling that than we do of controlling the
things people do or say to us, or to just random shit chucked our way as part
of life’s rich tapestry.

It’s up to
me to be satisfied with achieving what I achieve, instead of feeling
disappointed with what I’ve not managed. I’m not there yet, by any means, but
I’m conscious of it and I’m trying to catch the self-critical thoughts before
they sink their teeth in too deep. The best argument I can offer them will be
what I do achieve when I meet that self-imposed deadline for the much narrower
scope of ambition. If I can point to that by early November, then all that I
didn’t achieve in August will no longer matter in the slightest.

That’s my
theory anyway.

It amounts
to mental filing, really. With that (sort of) dealt with my principal challenge
for September was just handling the day to day. And I’m not sure where the idea
came from exactly, but I recall thinking about how much better I’d been doing
in January, despite the year starting so miserably for so many, with a number
of celebrity heroes dying on us, and I guess it occurred to me that I’d quite
like to celebrate those of my heroes who are still, thank goodness, in the
realm of the living.

We’ve seen
too many photos in 2016 with the letters R.I.P. attached, after all.

So I made it
a daily practice to post a pic per day on Facebook of a personal hero of mine.
It’s a small, trivial exercise but it helped. Just reflecting on these figures
– in music, movies, TV, writing, whatever – and how they inspired me supplied a
spot of daily inspiration. Like a snack for fuel for the soul.

There’s a
risk, of course, in sharing your heroes – or anything you like – online. Some
danger of trolls, people too quick to attack those things you treasure. And I
say that as a caution to more sensitive souls than me. I’m lucky, I have a
great collection of online friends and acquaintances, respecters of different
tastes and opinions.

A sum total
of one idiot trolled in with an abusive remark about one of my heroes. But he’d
been on thin ice anyway, so that was his ticket to Blockland. If you’re plagued
by the Black Dog and you feel like trying something similar, just be aware that
these are your heroes, they’re for you and your own inspiration. They’re like
flags on your Facebook page or wherever, to wave you on for that day.

And if even
with that in mind you’re a little wary of sharing, then just make a note of
them, or have a picture of them for your background on your PC for that day. If
they’re musicians/singers, play one of their albums or a video they’ve done.
Actors, watch a movie or TV episode or scene from such. Youtube is your friend.

Might not do
anything for you. But it was a useful exercise for me throughout September. And
it was fun, thinking of 30 muses.

What was not
fun was the old insomnia pattern. Which was just getting worse, to be honest.

Short of
knocking myself out every night, I have tried everything.

Or thought I
had.

Often, I’d
have such a crappy night I would get to about 3pm and feel a nap dragging at me
like quicksand. And I would generally try to resist because, for one, I would
usually wake from an afternoon nap feeling worse than when I’d zonked out, and
for two, it would only make the subsequent night worse.

But one day
I thought sod it and gave in to the nap urge. And on that occasion I woke
feeling a bit better, a bit more alive anyway. And it occurred to me, why don’t
I split my days into two mini days.

If I’m only
going to sleep half a night, I may as well have a shorter night and shorter
days.

It’s still
relatively new, so I’m adjusting to this new cycle, but it has been showing
some benefits thus far. Packing myself off to bed around 1am, reading for a
short while, sleep – or time set aside for sleep anyway – until 6am, early
breakfast (aka first breakfast), so begins the first day of that day. Then a
scheduled sleeptime between 2pm-4pmish is followed by a second breakfast and
the beginning of a second mini-day.

It’s a bit
of psychological trickery, I guess, but I have found I do get a few hours sleep
at night and 1-2 hours during that daytime kip. So while you’re out there
having your Mondays and Tuesdays and so on, I’m just having my Monday As and
Monday Bs, Tuesday As and Tuesday Bs etc. It also enables me to break down the
day’s goals into smaller bite-size portions. And – so far – because I have
embraced the idea of those afternoon sleeps I’ve found I don’t wake so groggy
and worse for wear as when I fought it.

The days
aren’t equal halves, but I seem to be getting about 6 hours of sleep – or rest
anyway – per 24 hours, as opposed to my previous 4 if I was lucky.

So a
combination of tricks has assisted me through the month of September and,
assuming I make the adjustment, I’ll keep going with the new sleep schedule
onwards into October.

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About Me

Born in Penzance in 1967. From the age of about three I was probably dreaming of writing for Doctor Who. Certainly it wasn't a case of just watching it: I'd go to bed with all sorts of adventures and story possibilities buzzing around in my head. From the age of eleven, I knew, whenever any aunts and uncles asked the "What do you want to do when you grow up?" question, the stock replies of jet pilot, train driver, astronaut were never going to be good enough for me. "I want to be a writer", I always said. And, what do you know, I am.