Thursday, May 13, 2010

Day 52: Top 10 Before and After - Number 9

I bought a shirt last year on my birthday. I don't know what convinced me that it fit right, but there you have it. It kinda fit. I was very happy with it. I wore it to work. I think I wore it maybe 4 times before I retired it to the closet of - this doesn't make me feel great about myself anymore and it is wrinkled. So out it came this morning as clothes are making my number 9 before and afters...

So there you have it. I feel much better in the shirt now, and I think I will wear it until it is too big for me. Number 9 more importantly, is not about how clothes fit, it is how I feel in them. I think my little fashion show in the office last year was like 15 photos in different poses, trying to feel good in my skin and the persona I was wearing. I was trying too hard to bring on the confidence.

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am no shrinking violet. I have always be the outgoing, theater, singing, and show-person type. I am a Type A personality, a true Aries, and sometimes that comes through as trying too hard to show others that I am confident and feel good about myself all the time. That little nudge of humanity that wants to admit that confidence and personality are not always on full-tilt is stifled by my larger-than-life show.

During this fast a lot of things slowed down for me, one of these being my performance. I became more aware of true emotions I was having, whether they were about food or not, and found I wasn't trying so hard to be "me". I think I often feel like the elephant in the room, pardon that image, like, there is no denying that a very tall (I am 5'9" in flat feet) and very large women walks into a room. So instead of being bothered by (assumed looks and thoughts) the presence, I owned it. I now realize that those thoughts I was having, that general approach to who I was, was really detrimental and it drained me of energy. I am not sure if people knew how "on" I was, even when I was quiet. It is stressful.

In closing, Feeling better in my clothes and feeling better in my skin, has done a lot to relieve the burdens of my self-presentation. I don't feel like I am tap dancing across the stage with the Russian judge giving me the stink-eye for not being perfect. I find comfort in slowing my mind down and being more true to my feelings, now that I can better distinguish them and listen to them. Don't get me wrong...I am still a Type-A Aries with a huge personality, only now, it is coming from a more genuine, calm, and realized place.

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