Loss (Lost loved one): I knew something was wrong.... he did not want to find out..... learned later going through papers that he had may have had an oncology consult but did not tell me....until he got scared...decided he wanted to live.....

The little lapses in memory ....I thought it was just old age starting to set in...losing weight was due to dieting.. wanting to deny my senses....

Only if he would have gone to the doctor sooner and recieved treatment sooner.......I died a llittle everyday he was ill..... but did not want to show him.how it all was killing me inside......just smiled when I was with him and showed him how much I loved him and cared for him and had hope he will get better.... and he was getting better! After radiation and even after initial chemo but then the chemo started to knock him down physically....when he more pyhsical support and care, the doctors lost hope. .it was infection that brought him down........despite my attempts to keep everything sanitized..... the rehab and care facilities did not.......... how i wanted him home..doctors said no, not yet.......no! no! no! my mind screams! If only - if only - I keep telling myself and... blame myself... hough I know it is not my fault.......I did everything I possibly could.........I hated making those life and death decisions.......I hated it! hated it......I still cry......... but I go on.........now...without him........his guidance, love and support is only from above.......I love you Ron and miss you EVERY DAY...we all do.....we all do.....now I support cancer research and survivors and caretakers........especially the caretakers.....because I know how the stress can affect you......make you sick without knowing it is happening.........because too much is happening and the focus is on them and not you........Caretakers heed my warning.....TAKE CARE OF YOUSELF! I thought I was strong and could be strong for both of us at the time........ afterwards I paid for it in health..Now I struggle to keep well.......but I know it is nothing compared to Ron's struggle to live........ AMEN

I am told all the time to take care of myself. I don't know what that means. I just smile. Over the years, as I see people with depression, anxiety, etc....I couldn't connect. Now? Some days I can not drive due to sleepy and dizzy. Anxiety attacks like mad. I try to "get away" and it is worst. The guilt and worries overtake me. I am getting less into conversations because I can not trust myself with these thoughts I have. Sometimes I am too unfeeling and sometimes I can not talk due to not wanting to cry. So I just let everyone buzz around me and keep a blank on my face.
I keep telling myself, "Don't cry. If you start you know you won't be able to stop". I have went thru a year (this week) and have not cried. "It's not about you". The last thought when I feel I can not breath, "You don't know who will be next. Might be grieving for the wrong one. No one knows who will be next". This is the three things that scream into my head when I become overwhelmed.
I am smart enough to self analyze all these thoughts. But, they do help me to stand strong. I guess if it makes you feel beter....might as well own it. Smile.
Lavkal, your post was so heart felt and wrote so well. You created (in me) to spill my guts. This is the first time I had enough thought pattern to announce my real feelings. I pray I am not misunderstood as I post this. Smile. Maybe, I am reaching out to get a "fortune telling" of what to do and feel?????? Just venting. It is good to write it down. I tell my kids, all the time, to write their feelings. This does feel good.
Have a beautiful day and thank you for your post.

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