The Secret to Finding Lasting Love and Happiness

It's clear from all the readings I do that most people who wonder about the compatibility between them and prospective or actual partners are not in fact being attracted to those who are very compatible for them. Most times it is either a strong lust/intellectual attraction or simply the urge to be with someone - anyone - to avoid loneliness or to have someone to lean on. Also many people presume that because they feel that they have found 'the one', someone they have never felt so close to, that the other person feels it too - but often this is not the case.

What is happening here is that people are falling for all the romantic stories in books, TV and film, plus the socially and religiously-inspired notion that we are nothing without a significant other. Ideally we would be taught from birth that our most significant relationship is with ourselves but we are bombarded and brainwashed by the tradition of "Happily-ever-after-with-one-person-forever' from all directions. Which is actually an odd notion if you think about it. With so many people on this planet, why would there just be one person for each of us? We grow through our interrelating with one another so it would be very growth-retarding if we remained with the one companion all our lives. Everyone has several soulmates during their lifetime - some teach us in a positive way, the others through negative experiences. We can void the negative experiences by getting in touch with what we really want to make us happy.

No one can make you as happy as you can make yourself. Of course, humans are social animals and need companionship, but most people seem to turn that into a desperate drive to have a warm body next to them. If you really want to attract the most compatible partner, you must have the patience to put in the work on yourself, not rush about willy-nilly in a mad panic to secure someone whom you can't even be sure you will get on with. That's why the 'friends first -lovers last' option is the most sensible but one that our sexual urges rarely allow us to follow. But I would make that "friends first with yourself- other people later'.

You must learn to understand yourself well enough to know exactly what you really need. That is the starting point - the inner search, not the outer one. When you know the type of person who will help you to learn and evolve in a positive way, who will make you laugh and think, and who can give as well as take your love, then you will attract the most compatible partner. And you won't have to join dating sites or hang around in bars, because once you start giving off clear, positive vibes, your soulmate will arrive without any physical effort on your part. It's all about doing the mental, emotional and spiritual work on yourself to remove all your relationship fears that might otherwise attract the wrong type of person or the blockages that are preventing the right person from arriving. If you can calm down enough to go within, instead of frantically rushing about with your head and heart in a tangle, your efforts will be richly rewarded.

Start today - tell yourself you are worthy of love and that once you have made peace with yourself, the most compatible companion for you will arrive easily and without effort. Forgive those who have hurt you in the past because you played a part in drawing them to you. Release the need to have anyone in your life and focus on yourself and your needs. Instead of trying to please someone else in order to keep them with you, try pleasing yourself by developing self-love and self-approval. Then that mad desperate longing for another person to fill the void in you will be gone - because you have filled that very void with love and nurturing generated from within. Then the anxious hoping and waiting is transformed into a carefree contentment that is not dependent on having anyone to support or protect you because you can do that for yourself. When you meet your compatible companion, you will stay together because you stimulate, respect and appreciate each other. You want to be together but you don't need to be. When you need or depend on someone, that is when they are most likely to be taken away.

It's all about having equal relationships - equal give-and-take, equal power, equal participation, and equal loving. If you don't have that in your relationship, then you deserve better.

Captain, sometimes you just plain scare me! LOL in a good way ~smiles~ this is the second times one of your threads has found me thinking exactly what you post. I have had in the past couple of months seriously of looking for someone in my life. But as much as I would like to have someone, I knew I was not ready. I would be looking for "just someone", and I have done that before and have had the predictable results. LOL I have started on a journey to find out who I am and what I really want and need in my life. It is hard, I really like helping others and being there for them and that is my comfort zone. Thinking of what is best for me or who or what I want in my life is not so comfortable and idea. But I know I need to do this first before I could accept anyone new into my life.

I am not ready to go back to anyone I have had in the past. I have spent a great deal of thought on that, and know that I was not happy with that person, so it really would be best to move on and find someone new. Then I tried to think what kind of person do I want in my life, and only what I do not want comes to mind. LOL so I am thinking I need to spend this time and learn myself and what I want and need to be happy, I already am pretty darn sure of what I don't want or need! I believe I need to stop fighting myself and go with the flow on this.

Thank you, again, Captain! I am learning much about myself from these forums and it is wonderful and very scary at the same time, but then that is learning and growing. Sorry to ramble, but that seems to be easy to do here for some reason! LOL

I must say thank you for all you good things you are putting out into our world, i am really enjoying them. And trying to apply them to my own life. I wish you much love and happiness in your own life. any insight you could provide to me would be recieved openly and thankfully.

How true captain!I wish I had known this before finding it out the painful way.Why did you not write this years ago/!;)I guess learning from the past is an important step in our journey,as long as we progress to self love and self approval."When you need or depend on someone,that is when they are most likely to be taken away".has happened to me all the time but have just started seeing the pattern.

With all the changes that I have made over the last six months....having seen you say this to several people, it has finally caught on with me. I was in a place of self-love and a sound spiritual journey when I met my last significant other. After doing the customary whine ... questions .... crying. I am back on that spiritual journey and learning to love myself and and I am the most important thing in my life again. I have children and that doesn't mean that I love them any less but I knew back then and I know right now...in order to be the best mom that I can be to them I have to be the best I can be to myself. It goes without saying that in order to be the best mate, I need to be the best person to me in my world. Given that, my ideal person that I want, starts with a laundry list of qualities that I don't want....and another not so short list of what I do want....and that person will appear when all the pieces of me fall into their rightful place. I can wait. It's worth the wait. Great message Captain!!! Love it!

You words hit me very deep. I don't feel like I love myself or even like myself half the time, and I feel like I hold myself back from a lot. I’m not sure how to start loving myself. I feel selfish when I try focusing on me. I figure that as long as I can make everyone around me happy, I will in turn be happy. I figure if I sacrifice then I will feel good about me and maybe one day someone will sacrifice for me. I don't feel like that ever happens, but I try to be the best person I know how to be. I just don't know how to be that person to myself. Thank you for your post it helps open my eyes to what I need. I just hope I can apply it.

As always your message seems to be right on the mark. When I am feeling rather weary of things and I come to the forum there is more often than not a message from you which makes me feel extremely positive. You truly have a way of healing emotionally scared people, such as myself.

Vixenbeauty, you have to include yourself in the people you want to help. It's not about helping everyone else OR just yourself. It's recognising that everyone - including yourself - is worthy of time and care. Perhaps you are afraid to focus too closely on yourself? Maybe you fear self-examination will expose all your 'bad' points - the fears and negativity? Well yes it will - that's the reason for going within. You have to first face yourself honestly before you can heal yourself and thus come to love yourself. No one is perfect VB, we all have our dark side - we've all made mistakes and done the wrong thing - that's how we learn. Once you realise that you have great beauty inside you as well as darkness, you can use that strength and beauty to fight and repel the darkness. Hiding from your weaknesses doesn't make them go away but can make them grow worse. Exposing negativity to the light destroys it.