– after all these years

“A state characterized by contradictory elements”. This (part) definition of schizophrenia could just as well have been about repatriation. I might have fooled myself into believing I had prepared myself so well for such a long time that I’ve dealt with every emotion gradually and that leaving would actually be quite smooth sailing. Not quite so. Entering the last week of expathood, the above definition characterizes my state perfectly.

Come on, let’s get this over with already! vs hang on, just give me a few more days to wrap things up!

Joy vs sadness

Energetic as hell vs knocked out

Relief vs regret

Certainty vs insecurity

This’ll be great! vs what if this won’t work at all?

Anticipation and expectations vs nostalgia

Don’t worry, we’ll get there! vs OMG we’ll never get ready in time!

And these are just examples. Indeed a state of contradictory elements. Although some are constant and unambiguous, such as butterflies.