Two of the most positive things that could happened to me, happened yesterday.

I logged onto MS in the morning about 8am, after just waking up. I poured myself a cup of coffee and wanted to check-in and see what was going on. The first thing I saw was the little red flag flashing. I had received a PM. (I like those, because it means someone took the time to write to just me.)

WOW... what a shock!!!

___Joey__________ had sent me a PM with the subject line that said... "You Inspire Me." Wow... what a way to start off the morning.

I began to read the message, and could not stop crying. _____Joey_________ poured out his heart to me, and shared things that were very personnal.

I am always trying to help make people feel better, and I also try and reach out to the new guys on this site. ___Joey______ has been on the site for a while, and we have chatted many times in the chatroom. I would offer bits of advice, and sometimes we just joked. I considered him a friend, but I also knew that I was just an "old guy" trying to be positive and offer words of wisdom.

____Joey_______ took the time to read one of my longer posts. (as if there are any short ones) (sorry Jarrad...) He also took the time to write a wonderful note to me. These acts of unselfishness set me up for a wonderful day. I was on cloud nine for most of the day.

Later that evening things started to fall apart. I got a call from one of the managers of an establishment that I have a vending machine in. He chewed my ear off about the machine being empty, and asked what was I going to do about it. I like to be here on MS for the Monday Mo's meeting, but business comes first. So I loaded up the car and headed out to service my machines. The weather was yukky and I had a long night ahead of me. After about six hours on the road with many stops, I headed home. Around 11:30pm I stopped at a Waffle House to finally have some dinner.

At 11:55pm my phone beeped. I had a new text message. I thought, "OMG ... what else could go wrong, it must be an emergency at one of the shops... fire, break-in or one of my employees was ill."

When I opened the text message, WOW what a surprise!!!

A different friend from the site was sending me a message. It read...

"Hey it's ____Philip______ from MS. We were all worried about you. Just wanted to check in."

Hmmmmm...

Well to be honest, I sometimes wonder if people notice I'm here or not. The "warm fuzzy" feeling I got when I read this text message, lifted me back to cloud nine. I'm so honored and flattered that some guys here would take the time to worry about me.

I am so not used to this type of reaction. I think we all cut ourselves off from others and begin to isolate. I for one, have never thought anyone cared if I was around. I usually blend into a crowd very well, and I kind of liked that ability. If I am invisible, no one will hurt me. I use it as a defence, another wall that I build.

Yesterday a couple of friends, people I really do care about, drove a bulldozer through the wall. The feeling of being cared about is something totally new for me. I am usually the one who makes all the effort to care for friends.

These two WONDERFUL friends actually took the time, and cared enough, to go out of their way to make an "old guy" feel wanted. You guys sure know how to book end a Monday. What a great start, and then a great end to a day.

Thank you both... and I have now added both of you to the "most important people in my life" list.

Luv ya,Carl

_________________________Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

When I first came to this site, I didn’t know what to really expect. My first post was about me being new here and some of what happened to me. I wasn’t sure if those would be the only words I would write here or not, because I wasn’t sure if anybody really gave a shit. I even thought, “I’m a teenager. These are all “old guys.” They aren’t going to give a shit about me.” Then, to my surprise, within an hour, I had received pm’s and replies of “Welcome. Glad you’re here!” and stuff like that. I see that I have like 84 posts now, and there was a time when I began this whole process where I thought I would never be able to put 84 letters together to spell out words and eventually tell anyone how I was feeling and some of the things that happened to me.

Then I see a guy who has like 16,000 posts and I think, “Gawd! Doesn’t this guy ever sleep? How fast does he type? How fast does he read? This guy must be a pro or something!” But what I found more important was that if I did decide to write more than a few words, there’s a good chance a few people might read those words and they’ll be able to inspire me. YOU have inspired me, Carl. (Now I have to admit that I’m still a little cautious about what I write in my posts and I still have some secrets that I don’t share with anyone, because I’m always a little worried about who’s reading them. I always worry about what people think of me.)

YOU INSPIRE ME because when I read you “life story” it showed me that I should never quit. You never quit. Even when the times got rough and you had no place to live, no money, no job, no “dress shirt,” you still kept moving forward and you never gave up. If that’s not going to inspire someone, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person.

YOU INSPIRE ME because you know you are better and you deserve to have the better things in life. You deserve a Mr. Right! I think I do too, and I’m going to stop chasing my hormones and just wait until Mr. Right knocks on my front door.

YOU INSPIRE ME because you’re actually doing stuff for other people. I like how you’re trying to start an organization for GLBT youth. I think in general, it sucks being a gay teen, not only because of peer pressure and bullying, but because we (I at least) feel left out of the community. There’s no gay dance clubs for teens in my area. No gay meeting place for us. Nowhere we get support because our parents don’t accept us, and society makes us feel abnormal. I always think to myself, “I wish there was some place I could go to be with kids just like me. I wish somebody would start some kind of a community center for GLBT youth, like I see on Logo or other TV shows.” I think about somebody else doing it instead of me doing it. That’s why I’m inspired. J

YOU INSPIRE ME not because you’re a guy with a vision to actually to do things, but because you actually get things done. I sit on my ass and complain while guys like you are fighting to make things a little bit better for guys like me. Thank you!

YOU INSPIRE ME because no matter how old a person is or how much education they have, you know that he/she can still teach us something. ( I have a great pick-up line to teach you and it goes like this, “Youtube Myspace and I’ll Google Your Yahoo.”) Try it. It might work! LOL

This is part of something I posted awhile back. This part is for you;

…So stop waiting until you finish school,until you go back to school,until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds,until you have kids, until your kids leave the house,until you start work, until you retire,until you get married, until you get divorced,until Friday night, until Sunday morning,until you get a new car or home,until your car or home is paid off,until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter,until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on,until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up,until you die, until you are born againto decide that there is no better timethan right now to be happy."

Carl. You inspire me to be happy right now and to stop waiting for the right time, when this or that happens, or when I get this or that, and when I find him or he finds me. I can’t say that I’ll always abide by these words, and I’m sure I’m still going to have difficult times in the future, but your words will make it a little easier. Thanks for being you!

(And by the way, your daughter would be a fool not to know you! She’s really missing out, I think.)

Joey did ask me today why I said that he INSPIRES ME. I wanted to answer that question and explain some of the main things that I believe.

Please allow me to get philosophical for a few minutes. I hope you guys won’t mind the clichés, and understand the true purpose of me saying this.

Joey,

You INSPIRE ME because you to have faced one of the worst things that a young man can. Many men here also faced this terrible fate, but you have taken a major step that many of us were afraid to take. At the age of 17, (almost 18 .. ) you are fighting back. You are brave enough to look this evil in the eyes and say NO! You are trying to take back control of your life, and from what I know, you are succeeding.

You INSPIRE ME because you accept the true feelings in your heart. You have come to grips with the feelings you have, and you’re willing to live your life. You have seen the prejudice that this lifestyle can bring upon you, but you are willing to stand up and say “I am what I am”. At your age, I would never have thought I could live my life as a gay man, but you have acknowledged your truth, and I am so proud of you for that.

You INSPIRE ME because you know what you want, and you are working towards that. This recovery stuff is not easy, but you are sticking with it. At your age, many young people have no goals, but you have set your mind to reaching a point of happiness. I believe the idea of healing and building the business with your grandpa, is a plan that you will achieve. You are proving that you can overcome the worst that life can throw at you.

You INSPIRE ME because you, and the other young guys here, are the future of our world. If a person’s past teaches them anything, the adversity you have faced will teach you more compassion toward your fellow man. I see a better future, because you have shown empathy and mercy to many of the guys here on MS. I look forward to a world that has more tenderness and understanding because of you.

Finally, you INSPIRE ME because every time we speak, you teach me something new. The lessons we learn from each other, will hopefully lead us on our path to growth and healing.

To quote your words, "Thanks for being you!"

Love you always,Carl

_________________________Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

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