Do Not Consent

In fact I have more than one. They all differ slightly, there is darkened rooms, shadowy faces, slow exposure, examination and then a calm but purposeful deflowering. Other times it is one person, gloved hands over my face, manhandling, knives, whispered threats to behave or else, a lifting of my skirt, an unzipping of his fly…. just writing those few random words is making me wet. These fantasies change, little parts of them become hotter to me than others, sometimes I will daydream a whole one through and other times I just replay little snippets in a loop in my head. Weeks or months will go by without me giving them a thought, at other times they will crowd my horny dark little brain for hours on end.

Before I continue let me just make a couple of things completely clear. I have never been raped, abused (apart from consensually which is not what I mean when I use the word abused in this sentence) or sexually assaulted. I don’t know if I am lucky to be able to write that or not but I do know that I am glad that I can write that sentence and as a Mother of two I hope that my children will also never experience the horror of such an act being perpetrated against them. Rape is an abusive, horrific, unacceptable crime. The point I am trying to make here is, by having these fantasies and writing about them openly I am in no way condoning the act of rape or any form of sexual assault.

I don’t want to be raped. I know, I just said I fantasised about being raped but my fantasies are just that, fantasies. Oh I know what you are thinking now, but Molly, you have written here on this blog about consensual non consent play and so surely in that regard you are experiencing you fantasies for real? The answer to that accusation is no, I am not.

Consensual non consent is exactly that, consensual.

I am not keen on calling it ‘play’ that word seems to have frivolous connotations that don’t fit with this subject and yet there is an element of play about it in the sense that it is playing around with fantasies, scenarios, boundaries and desires. The consensual non consent that we indulge in is not something that we just jumped into but is a result of many hours of talking and negotiating our thoughts, feeling and desires when it comes to this subject. For me it has meant voicing many of my fantasies aloud, fantasies that I have harboured for many years, secretly hoarding them in my mind, sharing them with no-one. Feelings of shame, fear of judgement, that niggling sense that my mind was depraved, kept them firmly as my secrets. Even now, when I know that those fears are not founded it can still be a challenging subject to be open about, not just in my writing but even, at times, with him. There is without a doubt, a fear factor when it comes to this subject, we all have a strong sense of self-preservation, owning up to your desires, even when they scare you, means to some extent having to suppress that instinct to keep yourself safe by staying silent because the only way to explore this subject is to be honest about it, to own your thoughts and share them openly and honestly, not matter how difficult that is. Clearly finding the right person (s) to do that with whom you can trust to really hear you and want to explore your fantasies with you is key. I know I am lucky to have that person.

I get off on so many aspects of consensual non consent, fighting back and saying ‘no’ to what he is doing is a regular part of our ‘play’ and as I have written before is one of the reasons that a safeword is so important for us. If I am to be able to truly explore that kink then I need to be able to protest both verbally and physically as if I really mean it. If no meant no, then that would not be possible.

Despite all this, I know I don’t truly want to be raped in the completely non consensual sense of the word. The thought makes me shudder, and yet, somewhere, if I am truly being honest, down between my thighs I am wet. My mind registers fear and horror at the thought of it happening for real and yet that fear and those horrors also turn me on. It is a hard place to find oneself but I am lucky. I have a partner who allows me to explore these things, who will use my fantasies, even the ones that really scare me, against me for our mutual pleasure.

However there is another reason for me writing this piece, the main reason in fact. The UK government wants to criminalise my fantasies. New proposed legislation by our esteemed (insert, moronic right-wing fool ) Prime Minister David Cameron will mean that

“…anyone who possesses a porn depicting rape (simulated or not) can face up to three years in jail” (1)

This does not just mean videos or stills of an actual rape but even those that simulate rape. So, potentially, when I now go to Tumblr and look at images of women tied up and being fucked I will be breaking the law. Likewise watching the type of porn movies made by Kink.com in which consensual non consent themes are common is, potentially, to become a criminal offense.

Cameron claims that he wants to

“change how women are depicted in these films — he hopes that cutting down on rape pornography it may change sexual violence in the country.” (1)

Ummm what? For a start there is no evidence that rape porn has any direct effect on the rates of sexual violence in fact there is increasing evidence that, if there is a link at all, it is the opposite of what Cameron is claiming.

In India which bans all form of porn

“Rape in India is one of India’s most common crimes against women” (2)

“Rape cases in India have doubled between 1990 and 2008” (2) (although my suspicion is this rise is actually a reflection of an increased willingness to report rape to the authorities, rather than an increase in the act itself. I suspect the rates of sexual violence against women in India have always been high but that with increased information and education about this issue, particularly rape within marital relationships, women are more often coming forward and reporting the crimes committed against them)

Whereas in the USA

“…in the United States the incidence of rape declined 85 percent over a period of 25 years while access to pornography has increased” (1)

I could go on and on in this vein but although the increasing amount of statistical evidence seems to point to the opposite of what Cameron is claiming there is still not enough to say for sure, however I couldn’t find any statistics that supported the current UK governments claims. (if anyone knows of any I would be interested to read it)

Of course there are other issues;

Who defines what is rape pornography?

I don’t mean images of actual rape but simulated rape. Does a picture of a woman tied up = rape porn. If so then this legislation will be criminalising the viewing of all acts of bondage. Where will we draw the line? Are gags OK? What about a blindfold and handcuffs? If the woman is being held down is that simulated rape? Oh my, what if the man is being held down? Is that simulated rape? Or is this law only for simulated rape of a heterosexual nature where the woman is portrayed as the ‘victim’? If this is the case, then this legislation is truly a misogynist act wrapped up with the pretty packaging of ‘protecting women’ because we are so vulnerable and feeble we can’t manage it on our own?! As with all these things, it is subjective and therefore it should be left up to people to make their own judgements and decide what they want to view and not allow some government civil servant to decide, using his own prejudices, on our behalf.

How will this be enforced?

The only way for this to be enforced is for police to view our browsing history and or for governments to track everything you look at on the internet. Something they claim not to be doing and yet….

What about movies like The Accused?

The opening scenes in that movie contain fairly disturbing images of an act of gang rape. Clearly those scenes were simulated, no one actually believes that Jodie Foster was raped upon that Pin Ball machine but, if images of simulated rape are to be banned is this movie, and many other like it, to be banned as well? Or is simulated rape OK if Hollywood makes it but if a porn producers does then it is not? And before anyone tries to tell me that The Accused was not made as ‘porn’ with the intention to stimulate/titillate I will tell you now, whether it was made with that intention or not is irrelevant because I for one, will admit that watching that scene horrified me and at exactly the same time turned me on!

And what of this

“Cameron said this summer that these measures and his anti-porn push were about helping women and children” (1)

How does criminalising my consensual non consent fantasy and effectively telling me that I can no longer view any visual content that pertains to that, protect me? Turning me and many many women into criminals is protecting them? Why is he (Cameron) allowed to protect us from our own fantasies? If we wish to explore these themes in the safety of our own home by viewing simulated non con porn how is removing that option from our lives keeping us safe?

I suspect the fact that this is a common female fantasy probably comes as a shock to Mr Cameron and his band of cronies and is a fact that he absolutely does not want to hear. In addition I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen to his tiny mind with the information that there are many men (both straight and gay) who also have non consent fantasies in which they are the ‘victim’.

Bringing these laws in is not going to stop me, or anyone else from having these thoughts, ideas and fantasies. Nor is it going to safeguard me, or any woman from, sexual assault. The best way to do that would be to encourage an open and honest educational conversation about the issues surrounding consent, a conversation that should be a key feature of any sex education program for young people.

Simulated rape porn is just that, simulated. Yes at times it can look very real, it can be challenging, unsavoury, for some a turn off, for others a turn on but, if created by consenting adults for consumption by consenting adults then it is no business of my governments if I chose to watch it or not and in my opinion saying anything else only has the potential to stigmatise these, common female fantasies, increasing shame, reducing dialogue and education on the subject and ultimately making conversations about consent, and therefore true acts of rape, harder to have.

I am sorry this has turned into a long piece, if you must know this is the edited shorter version. The issues that this debate raises is many and complicated and I have only touched on the subject here. I urge you to go and read this brilliant piece by Jeremy Cave called Freedom of Thought, Pornography and ‘Cultural Harm’ as well as this piece in The Wire that also seems to be written by someone who has some common sense and finally this really interesting review written by John H. Richardson of PERV: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us by Jesse Beringwhich contains some very interesting facts pertaining to this subject., facts that I am fairly sure the UK government would like us ALL to ignore.

If you live in the UK, this should scare you. It is yet another step in our governments obsession with our sex lives and our use of the internet. If you are a part of the kink or BDSM community this should also scare you. Your kink might not be my kink but trust me when I tell you that David Cameron has no intention of honouring the sentiments of that phrase and it is only a matter of time before your kink will be on his list. If you don’t believe you have a voice, or feel too scared to use it, then we are all certainly doomed to the censorship machine that this government is turning into but I would urge you to at least try. Talk to your friends about this, talk to your children (in an age appropriate way) about consent and healthy sexual exploration, write about this subject, write to your local paper, your local MP, your MEP (I believe they still exist and cost a LOT of tax payers money) Silence will not make this go away.

Oh and finally, if you are not in the UK don’t think you are off the hook. Many of the advanced nations on this globe are watching this with interest. England is potentially the test case for the rest of the world on this issue, if it happens here the chances are it will be winging its way to a country like yours very soon.

I confess, I have a rape fantasy and my government wants to make my exploration of that a criminal act.

Mollyxxx

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Show Comments
(25)

Mia

Wow, thank you so much for hightlighting this I was not fully aware of the depth of the changes proposed! This is utterly appalling and has the potential of turning this country into a Dictatorship!!

I think the time may be appropriate for me to write a post that I have been considering for quite some time, but it is a difficult one for me to write – “How Rape Fantasy Helped Me Emotionally Overcome My Actual Rape”……..

Flip

Molly,

I feel it’s so important for us, as women, to voice our opinions on this. As I tweeted yesterday, Cameron is such a patronising idiot, and I deeply resent being told how I can and cannot enjoy my porn.
I, too, wrote recently about a rape fantasy that I hold….as someone who has been raped, I know the difference between the two, how I reconcile the eroticism of the fantasy, and the healing of the mind after the actual is my business, it’s not for a damn politician to tell me that my fantasies are wrong.
Makes my blood boil!

Marie Rebelle

Sometimes I wonder whether governments have nothing better to do with their time than dream up this kind of sh*t. Yes, I confess, I have rape fantasies too. Fantasies about consensual non consent ‘play’. The thought that I could be seen as a criminal for that makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I will be watching this from a distance and will listen for sounds of the same here in the Netherlands. Hopefully this thing will die an early death when someone in the UK government realizes that they are going too far.

kinkymom

Lord Raven

looks like both sides of the pond are in the fight over what we can and cant do with out sexuality. It is appalling to watch wrinkled up prudes make legislation that affects our wants and wishes, striking into the depths of our being.
Censorship and governmental spying are hot button items here as well, though the battle is a bit different. In the end that want us all to be the good little civic servants that blindly follow their version of what is good for us.
I Robot and 1984 are around the corner if we don’t do something now!

Clive

Mrs Teepot

Really scary times and I sincerely hope that this isn’t passed and doesn’t make it into law. What right do these people have to tell us what should turn us on and what shouldn’t? This would be a step entirely in the wrong direction.

Andy (deepthought69)

An Excellent article with superb reasoning and explanations. You argue the case most eloquently and I have to agree with your right to fantasise and write as you see fit. The whole point of fiction is that it is just that – fictitious and not real. If we can cannot push and exceed the boundaries in writing then where can we? If we ban violent sex and rape from fiction do we also ban murder? What happens to crime novels? Horror? Maybe we should simply implement 1984 as policy…

Remittance Girl

We share similar fantasies, my dear.

What concerns me about this creeping social propensity to ban what we find offensive is that it reinforces a truly illogical premise – that there is no difference between thoughts and acts. That our fantasies are ‘sins of the mind’.

What disturbs me most is all the approbation this is getting from people calling themselves feminists. Because, once again, I’m being told by an authoritarian state, about what I should be turned on by. And this time, we have women – supposedly women who care about the emancipation of women – helping them do it.

Audrey Lusk

Fantasy is fantasy. Rape is rape. The key difference between reality and play (on top of basic consent) is CONTROL. No matter what’s going on within the play, either partner can always call a halt if something goes wrong, thus allowing the “victim” player to let go and be controlled.

OK, weird phrase to get through, but real rape doesn’t stop with a safeword. It’s as simple as that for the people who think it’s all the same thing.

I took refuge in rape fantasies from very early on, since i couldn’t reconcile desiring sex with my self-perceived “good girl”ness. Being forced (though it was usually more forced seduction than physical force) meant it was not “my fault”, even in my fantasies. I realized that after years of contemplation and wondering what the heck was wrong with me.

And apart from that, I’m a bit of a control freak and like to have control removed from me. For fun, not for real….

Melanie Black

Great story. Interesting case, I don’t know, but I think consensual sex should be out of bounds for the UK government. They should focus on real rape cases. Perhaps they are using this as a means to profile and stereotyping rape crimes.

Lee

Caroline B

I think that the Politicians are two-faced. Parliament is full of kinky guys doing all sorts of things with all sorts of people (as is the US). Remember the Profumo affair, (showing my age) and the Clinton/Lewinski scandal (to name only two)? It is a case with them that ‘My Kink Is Ok But Not Your Kink’.

I was actually raped at 15 by a guy I knew and trusted. I now know he ‘groomed me’. It took him a lot of time and patience but by the time he was through the front door, had me pushed up against the wall, ripped my knickers down and raped me, he knew that I wasn’t going to be telling anyone. He was right, I didn’t. He looked at porn, but so far as I knew it wasn’t of the ‘rape’ variety. I am fairly certain that in his head he didn’t actually rape me, he thought that I wanted him and he just didn’t want to wait until I was ‘legal’ in case someone else got in there first. (I found out years later I was not his only ‘victim’).

This has not stopped me having rape fantasies. I struggled for years thinking I was sick in the head to have these fantasies given what happened to me, so I tried to suppress them. But now I accept that this is part of my kinky make-up. One could wonder if I hadn’t been raped would I still have the fantasy? I don’t know that answer to that. But I do know that some women who have never been forced have this same fantasy. Let the psychologists decide what the answer is, all I know is that this is one of my kinks and I am not going to apologise any more. I am concerned though, that someone as obviously ‘hung-up’ on rape and fantasy rape, might have a say-so over what I imagine and watch on video/images. He must truly be fixated on rape (possibly he wants to experience it?)

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