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Zub: The Adventures of Stuff is the story of a misfortunate boy named Zub, who was given that name for no particular reason. He is set out with the impossible task of defeating Them, even though no one seems to know what They are. He is also tasked to save and protect the world indirectly, which is really quite the bother as it probably isn't even a very good world to begin with. Along the way he meets a variety of cast, being friend or foe, who interact with him and blah blah blah blah blah.
You get it, right? If no, stop wasting your time here and read the story.

Well, to be perfectly fair, it had started innocently enough. That hardly justified murdering viciously, though however unintentionally, their one and only hope for their kind.
The way he looked at it, Zub was pretty much screwed.

“You just decide to go flying out of lump knows where, and you decide to lumpin’ crash into our lumpin’ hero?!” cried out his father in anger beyond that of which even a Voltorb could perform when it finds out its spouse has been cheating on it for a Magnemite and left the casserole in the oven for too long while doing so.

He could only give a sheepish smile and rub his neck endearingly.

Not everyone was this mad; they just sat there in shocked silence and stared at him. A few died of heart attacks, or so he though. It was hard to tell.

And still he said nothing.

As a young child he was diagnosed with asthma, cancer, leukemia, and death, making his life expectancy about three minutes. And yet he survived. He was then diagnosed with Clichedprotaganitis, which not only made him follow a series of prefabricated clichés but also made him inexplicably mute.

“oo! Oo!” cried someone in the far back row. “We could give him a suicide adventure! An adventure in suicide!” When the entire crowd shifted uneasily to gawk at him, he couldn’t respond. To his mixed pleasure, the elder took over.

“Excellent ideer, young ‘un! We will send him in Galidor’s place with his own Pokemon! And, well, if he dies along the way,” he said, producing a fake tear behind his mask of joy. “So be it! We will fight off Them ourselves!”

The crowd reached a joyous proclamation not incomparable to when someone discovers they’re not dead when they really should be, or when you find a right sock in a sea of left socks. The intense mutterings and idea-barings did not bode well for our hero, who was not entirely comfortable with the thought of fighting Them.

“What about a companion?!” cried out a random villager whose relevance to the story was debatable. “Should he not go alone? That is too clichéd!” he shouted.

“What about Debbie?” asked another.

“Eh… no. He ran off proclaiming that the very prospect of leaving filled his heart with rainbows.”

“Anyone else available?”

“What about no companion!” cried the elder, who had had enough. "If he truly wants one, he’ll get it. For now, he has his sole Pokemon. Is everyone clear?!” yelled the elder to a mixed garble of “yes”es.

“Good. Then I believe you best be on your way, Zub. Be ready as early as tomorrow,” he said, eyes gleaming with wicked contempt. “They are waiting for you. They are prepared. So kill Them,” he said, a huge toothy grin climbing over his face. “Or They kill you.”

Spoiler:- Author's Comment:

After turning to an area I didn't want to go in my last fic, I tried writing a new one some months later, and you're looking at the result. It has a more freeform style and an undefined plotline, allowing more freedom on my part and hopefully more enjoyment on yours. Enjoy!

“Unless you’re like… uh, Stink, or whatever he's called, where you’re both mute AND useful to the kingdom!”

“Excellent idea, young ‘un!

We will fight off Them ourselves!”

I assume I can see a Legend of Zelda reference here? If so, huzzah. And huzzah for destroying the fourth wall as well!
This looks like a pretty interesting fic. Well, it's nicely written and it destroys the fourth wall, so that qualifies as interesting. Plus, you've put in a couple of mysteries, which is intriguing. It reminds me of The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy as well, for some odd reason. :/

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

I assume I can see a Legend of Zelda reference here? If so, huzzah. And huzzah for destroying the fourth wall as well!
This looks like a pretty interesting fic. Well, it's nicely written and it destroys the fourth wall, so that qualifies as interesting. Plus, you've put in a couple of mysteries, which is intriguing. It reminds me of The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy as well, for some odd reason. :/

The first one was intentional, to highlight his slightly.... off pattern of speech.
I counted at least four Zelda reference and one The Princess Bride reference, so bravo for finding at least one.
And to be fair, I've been reading The Hitchhiker's Guide a good amount recently, so that may be subliminally influencing me.

Originally Posted by knightfall

Very interesting, it's different from a lot of things I've read recently.

It seems Zub has gotten himself into soem deep trouble, and I want to know what happens next.

Can't wait for the next chapter,

Knightfall signing off...

I try to follow as many cliches as possible while differentiating myself from all cliches to make a non-cliched cliched work packed with broken cliches, if that makes any sense.

I thanks you for all the positive comments! Hope my next chapter doesn't disappoint... *self esteem dropped by 2 points!*

And now....Chapter 2: First Battlebecause chapter 1s are too mainstream
Zub looked around him in the pit he was stranded in, Death rather literally looming over him.

If he could, he would tell Death to knock it off, as he was trying to feel miserable while reading a book, The New New New Standard Manual for Escaping Pits. Of course, Death, being the jerk he was, knew what he was thinking, yet didn’t leave.

“You can’t make me, and you know you can’t, and I know you know you know you can’t,” he chattered cheerfully. For the most part, he was your stereotypical Death; a skull suspended in midair, cloak floating around it giving it the shape of a humanoid with a skull for a head. Two skeletal hands poked out of either sleeve, one carrying a clichéd scythe, the other, a deck of cards.

Glowering at Death, Zub resumed reading his book. Now on Chapter 2: The Post-Assessment of Post-Survival Gear, he suddenly felt that this was going to take a while to escape the pit. Flipping back to table of contents, he facepalmed. It read:

Step Four: Pull yourself out of the pit. Zub did so and realized how simple it was and wondered why he ever bothered with the book.

And then he wondered why he bothered with the pit, and realized it wasn’t his fault. It started fairly simply.

FLASHBACK FROM ABOUT THREE DAYS BEFORE
It had been many years since he was last out after he was banned from them after he accidentally stopped the mafia, defeated a king turtle by jumping everywhere, found the sword of evil’s bane and killed a pig-man thing, blew up his village unintentionally, and destroyed the ultimate evil.

He was a very busy cliché-abiding mortal.

Regardless, it had been many years since he last left the gate, and the air now reeked with the distant promise of Them, of which he still knew nothing about and hadn’t the foggiest about why he was supposed to destroy them all. He merely recognized the scent, and with the vicious smell as his sole companion, he took his first step forward.

He never made it.

He tripped before he could even realize that he had tripped, causing a small temporal paradox in which millions of petunias died at the hands of Cheez-It crackers every year.

Rolling down the mountain of which his village was founded on, he eventually found himself crashed in a freezing, out-of place snowbank.

Death came to him. It was not fun.

“You seem to be in a pickle!” he cackled and then stopped. “Wait… that could have worked out better. Hmm…” he said, and with a snap of his bony fingers, the snowbank transformed into a giant cucumber, of which did not help Zub’s position at all.

With another snap, baggy overalls and a straw hat appeared over Death’s cloak as he said “Hyuck hyuck hyuck,” causing them to disappear once more. Zub merely rolled his eyes and made an offensive gesture for Death to leave.

“Hey hey hey whoa whoa,” said Death sadly. "You can’t! I’m your buddy! …I would clasp your shoulder and gesture off into the distance, but if I touch you, you quite literally die.” Zub struggled and indicated that Death should release him “from his pickle”.

Back to present day, now out of the pit, Zub was completely lost when someone approached him.

“HEY YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAAAAAINEEEEEER!” squealed the man, who was wearing a karate robe thing. “I SAW YOU, SO WE GOTTA HAVE A POGEYMAN BATTLE!”

Zub made a gesture at his empty belt loop to indicate he had no Pokémon.

The man’s eyes narrowed, dangerously so. “I see. I win through forfeit,” he whispered. “Now I, as required by the League, have to mug you.”

“Wait wait wait wait!” exclaimed Death, reappearing in front of Zub, donning a pair of what appeared to be Pikachu ears.. “I’m a Pokémon! I’m Pikachu!” Realizing his mistake, he changed his brilliantly balck robe into an outfit resembling a Pikachu. “Pika pika,” he added helpfully.

The man’s eyes lit up once more. “A POGEYMAN! AND IT IS CUUU~UTE!” groping his belt for his Pokéball, he promptly threw it, releasing a Magikarp.

“Oo, this’ll be fun!” exclaimed Zub’s ‘Pikachu’. “Especially after he called me ‘cute’.”

This chapter was excellent. Normally I would consider this amount of randomness to feel forced, but it didn't.
Is Death just going to be tagging along with Zub then? And is there a particular reason for this? And will Zub get any actual Pokémon? And am I asking too many questions? Probably.
Anyway, can I be on the PM list please?

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

This chapter was excellent. Normally I would consider this amount of randomness to feel forced, but it didn't.
Is Death just going to be tagging along with Zub then? And is there a particular reason for this? And will Zub get any actual Pokémon? And am I asking too many questions? Probably.
Anyway, can I be on the PM list please?

Death just tags along because he can. And as much as he would love to kill everything ever, Zub has an immunity (for now) being a titular character.

“You seem to be in a pickle!” he cackled and then stopped. “Wait… that could have worked out better. Hmm…” he said, and with a snap of his bony fingers, the snowbank transformed into a giant cucumber, of which did not help Zub’s position at all.

...OK, I'm starting to like this guy.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

The man’s eyes narrowed, dangerously so. “I see. I win through forfeit,” he whispered. “Now I, as required by the League, have to mug you.”

Well, that explains the concept of prize money.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

“Wait wait wait wait!” exclaimed Death, reappearing in front of Zub, donning a pair of what appeared to be Pikachu ears.. “I’m a Pokémon! I’m Pikachu!” Realizing his mistake, he changed his brilliantly balck robe into an outfit resembling a Pikachu. “Pika pika,” he added helpfully.

Warning: This chapter contains offensive communist and capitalist portrayals. If you are offended by this, go back to watching Dora, as it is clearly more age-appropriate.

Zub was feeling pretty proud of himself. Already, today alone, he had not only escaped the pit he was stranded in, but also, thanks to the help of Pikadeath… (or is it Deathachu? No one cares…) he was able to win his first Pokémon battle. As per League rules, he had to pummel the man to a bleeding pulp and grab his wallet.

It’s a wonder the League still ponders over their many trainer’s eccentricities.

“Where to next?” wondered Death for the fourteenth time. “I suppose, coming from your village we should go to… Comet Rises, or whatever it is called.” Zub had no opportunity to interrupt him. Not that he could, of course.

Continuing southward, it occurred to Death how bored, he, as someone who was practically a god, was. “I’m going to sing you a song that hasn’t been passed down through my family for generations!” With a snap of his fingers, his scythe transfigured into a banjo. Beginning to strum, several rocks and other natural instruments picked themselves up before beginning to play alongside him.

“I call this one the Travelin’ Song.

“Let’s gather round the travelers and sing our Travelin’ Song!
“Our T-R-A-V-E-L-I-N-G S-O-N-G Song!
“Our-“ he stopped as he realized that all the rocks at smashed themselves to pieces, the reeds providing the flutist sounds now lying, snapping in half of their own accord. Zub lay in the corner, having a fierce seizure.

“…on the bright side, we’re here at the cave!” he said gleefully, and merrily skipped inside.

…

Somewhere amongst the surrounding foothills and mountains a single red figure stood, watching his prey.

He was short; about the size of a small boy, though twice as energetic. His oversized red helmet was almost a foot tall and inconveniently triangularly shaped over his face, yellow ring encompassing the perimeter. His red body suit itched, though being what he was he didn’t notice.

Silently, he followed his prey inside.
…
Zub was happy to resume walking normally after Death’s unfortunate recital. Looking ahead, he realized he had no idea where he was going. Luckily, his thoughts were interrupted.

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED he thought. That’s weird, he thought after. I didn’t know I thought in an Australian accent, whoever Australia may be.

The Zubat flew in front of them, malevolent fangs glistening in the pale yellow light filtering in through the small crevices splattered throughout the cavern. Wings beating fiercely, in a blur he was upon Death, dying upon making contact with the bright yellow fur of said god’s cloak.

“Sheesh,” complained Death. “If the special effects guy doesn’t cut it out on these little Pokémon, we’re not going to have any money left for my ice cream social with the folks over in the Shipping communities! They’re so crazy!”

After a pause, Death murmured, “I feel a great disturbance in the fanfiction, as if millions of fourth walls fragments suddenly cried out and were suddenly silenced. I fear something exquisite has happened.” He beat out a classic buh-dum-tsh! on a miniature drum set and then played a laugh track.

Shaking his head, Zub walked forward, or at least he did until he didn’t.

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED he thought again, as another blue bat flew out, soulless lack of eyes menacingly glaring at his foes, as well as you could glare without eyes. That is to say, it made a rather humorous face that would have been great for the Internet had Zub brought his camera.

Once more, it charged, once more it died.

“Phew,” said Death, whipping his forehead to parody popular artists doing similar acts.

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED thought Zub. Another death. He stepped forward.

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED. Another death. Another step.

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED
A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED
A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED
A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED

Zub turned sharply towards Death, a wild look in his eyes that would cause even Sharpedo to back away in terror. Death got the message.

“I think I can kill them all… what am I saying. I’m meant to kill stuff. Killing a few Zubats wouldn’t hurt.” With another snap of his fingers, several thousand pounds of Zubat corpses crashed down on them.

“Gross,” said Death.

…

After removing themselves from the rather unfortunate situation, the two looked around. Much to their surprise, a red figure crashed down from the ceiling into a kneeling position, and, rather dramatically, stood up, opening its eyes.

“Prepare to be assimilated, Capitalist dogs!”

The duo stared at him.

“I’m Socialist, actually,” explained Death. “And who are you?”

The figure blinked. “Uh. I mean, Ran, commie bot extraordinaire!” he exclaimed, throwing his gloved hands in the air, revealing a blue symbol for communism on his chest and large white boots.

Suddenly, with a red flash of light, a new Ran appeared lying next to the old one’s corpse.

“What just happened?” asked Death. “Death is my job. And I don’t want people ruining it.”

“You see,” explained Ran in a voice indicating he’s told it countless times before. “I’m made of cheap, Communist brand parts. So I die easily. Rather than to make me of better parts, my creator decided to make a machine that will teleport a copy of me to where the previous one had died.”

“Seems inefficient,” muttered Death.

“Did you not hear the part about how I’m a Communist? Sensibility is not the Commie way.”

“Oh, right. I have to kill you guys now. But it seems my Cossack Blaster is malfunctioning…” Ran muttered. Uneasily, he picked up his own corpse by the legs and prepared to run at his enemies.

“Wait,” exclaimed Death, “You’re going to bludgeon us to death with your own corpse? Seems morbid.”

“The Great Head of Josef Stalin requires it," said Ran, before charging at Death when Zub intervened.

Stepping into the fray, Zub poked Ran, who instantly fell over. A flash of red, and a new Ran was there.

“He-!” shouted Ran, as it was all he could before dying. A flash of red, and a new Ran. Poke. A flash of red. A new Ran. Poke. Rinse and repeat several times.

“Camper!” yelled Ran, standing next to a large mountain of his own corpses. “You have truly shown your skills. I won’t kill you. Instead, I will follow you around and help you.”

“That seems convenient, as if almost a plot device,” hummed Death, as the three marched on.

…

A WILD BAGON HAS APPEARED thought Zub, eager for something that wasn’t Zubat.

A small, puny-looking blue dragon Pokmon came running through the cave, shouting “BAG BAG BAG BAG BAG BAG” ludicrously. A horrid grey helmet lay lopsided on its head, and between that and its oversized nose he could hardly see. His tiny forelimbs were flailing madly to try to get an attack in, and his massive head weighed so much in comparison it was apparently difficult for him to stand up. Whenever it tilted to the side, he either fell over or ran that way to prevent the inevitable fall. It was amusingly pathetic.

Zub sat and glowered at it, trying to get the hint across to Death.

Ran threw his hands in the air again. “You! Boney! Kill them!”

“Oh! You want me to kill EVERYTHING in here?” he chattered. “Me gusta.”

With another snap, everything died.

Everything.

“Oh snickerdoodle!” shouted Death. “I left the oven on at ho- WHOAMAIGAWSH” he screamed as he noticed Zub laying on the ground unmoving. “Mom’s gonna KILL ME!”

“Boney, you monster!” cried out Ran. “You… you killed him!”

“He’s not even supposed to DIE!” whined Death “He’s a TITULAR character after all….” he groaned.

“Nobody must know about this,” he whispered to himself. “I have a plan…. a stupid plan, yeah, but a plan.”

He snapped his fingers. He looked down at himself, now donning Zub’s clothes. “Solution number one, check. Solution two… hmm….” he muttered aloud. Coming up with a plan, he kicked Zub’s corpse, waited a second, then nodded at satisfaction with the splash it made below.

“Let’s do this,” he said, walking out of the cave before he was stopped by a man on a white karate gi.

A floating skull...carrying a scythe...dressed up as a Pikachu. That is so morbidly adorable.

I didn’t know I thought in an Australian accent, whoever Australia may be.

Australian accents FTW!

“If the special effects guy doesn’t cut it out on these little Pokémon, we’re not going to have any money left for my ice cream social with the folks over in the Shipping communities! They’re so crazy!”

The folks in the Shipping communities? Or the FX guy?

“ think I can kill them all… what am I saying. I’m meant to kill stuff. Killing a few Zubats wouldn’t hurt.” With another snap of his fingers, several thousand pounds of Zubat corpses crashed down on them.

You can't win against the Zubat, can you?

“Prepare to be assimilated, Capitalist dogs!”

Urrrrrrk...my knowledge of science fiction has conveniently decided to abandon me. Is this a reference to the Cybermen?

Death wanted to have an ice cream social with the folks in Shipping, because, according to him, they're crazy. *withheld opinion*
But he can't if he has no money, aye? That's where the accursed FX guy comes in.

Originally Posted by PhantomDragon

You can't win against the Zubat, can you?

They alsways sneak around and get you when you're not expecting.

Originally Posted by PhantomDragon

Urrrrrrk...my knowledge of science fiction has conveniently decided to abandon me. Is this a reference to the Cybermen?

Oh wow... I made a reference to the borg of Star Trek without realizing it.

Originally Posted by PhantomDragon

I have a feeling this is a reference of some kind, but I'm not sure what. As you may have notices, I'm not great with references.

I's a small parody of a chapter of a webcomic from way back in 04.

Originally Posted by PhantomDragon

I spotted a few small mistakes as well,so I stuck them in the spoiler. Should be obvious what the issues are.

Anyway, another great chapter, and I heartily look forward to seeing the fourth wall get pulverized even more.

Thanks for the help! My beta-reader is off for personal reasons, so I've had to be doing correcting on my own.
I suck at correctingf/

He was short; about the size of a small boy, though twice as energetic. His oversized red helmet was almost a foot tall and inconveniently triangularly shaped over his face, yellow ring encompassing the perimeter. His red body suit itched, though being what he was he didn’t notice.

My first thought was a Pawniard. And your avatar didn't help.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED

Oh, boy.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

The Zubat flew in front of them, malevolent fangs glistening in the plae yellow light filtering in through the small crevices splattered throughout the cavern. Wings beating fiercely, in a blur he was upon Death, dying upon making contact with the bright yellow fur of said god’s cloak.

Now I'm imagining a Dusknoir with an ability that KOs the opponent if it uses a contact move. Broken as all hell.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

He beat out a classic buh-dum-tsh!

I believe the technical term is a rimshot.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED he thought again, as another blue bat flew out, soulless lack of eyes menacingly glaring at his foes, as well as you could glare without eyes. That is to say, it made a rather humorous face that would have been great for the Internet had Zub brought his camera.

It does create an amusing mental image.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

Once more, it charged, once more it died.

“Phew,” said Death, whipping his forehead to parody popular artists doing similar acts.

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED thought Zub. Another death. He stepped forward.

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED. Another death. Another step.

You'd think they'd learn.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED
A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED
A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED
A WILD ZUBAT APPEARED

Oh lord, Mt. Moon flashback.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

“ think I can kill them all… what am I saying. I’m meant to kill stuff. Killing a few Zubats wouldn’t hurt.” With another snap of his fingers, several thousand pounds of Zubat corpses crashed down on them.

He ought to know whether that was supposed to happen. Fatality is supposed to kinda be his area of expertise.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

“Death is my job. And I don’t want people ruining it.”

I like that quote. I don't know why, I just do.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

A WILD BAGON HAS APPEARED

Now we're talking!

Originally Posted by Zibdas

A small, puny-looking blue dragon Pokmon came running through the cave, shouting “BAG BAG BAG BAG BAG BAG” ludicrously. A horrid grey helmet lay lopsided on its head, and between that and its oversized nose he could hardly see. His tiny forelimbs were flailing madly to try to get an attack in, and his massive head weighed so much in comparison it was apparently difficult for him to stand up. Whenever it tilted to the side, he either fell over or ran that way to prevent the inevitable fall. It was amusingly pathetic.

Wow. Way to suck all the drama out of encountering a Dragon-type. Not that I'm complaining, though.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

“Oh! You want me to kill EVERYTHING in here?” he chattered. “Me gusta.”

Someone loves his job.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

With another snap, everything died.

Everything.

I don't know if it's just me or what, but that doesn't sound very good.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

“Oh snickerdoodle!” shouted Death. “I left the oven on at ho- WHOAMAIGAWSH” he screamed as he noticed Zub laying on the ground unmoving. “Mom’s gonna KILL ME!”

Kill Death?

Can she even do that?

Originally Posted by Zibdas

Panicking, Death shouted, “I AM ZUB” and sucker punched Nob, leaving him crumpled on the floor.

Death's not exactly the best at coping with emergencies, I've noticed.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

Realizing that probably didn’t help his case, he ran away, screaming “I AM ZUB!” to assert everyone around him of who he apparently was, Ran running after him, arms flailing and shouting.

Yeah, like that's gonna work so much better.

Nice chapter overall. Didn't expect Zub dying, but given how random everything here is, I have a feeling he'll get better.

Now I'm imagining a Dusknoir with an ability that KOs the opponent if it uses a contact move. Broken as all hell.

If that's how he need roll, that's how he shalt roll. With style.

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

I believe the technical term is a rimshot.

Sure, but I don't get the opportunity to write out tsh all that much, so I have to include it in every way I can.

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

You'd think they'd learn.

They probably would if I didn't want to drill this joke to death later on, too.

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

Oh lord, Mt. Moon flashback.

Don't remind me.

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

He ought to know whether that was supposed to happen. Fatality is supposed to kinda be his area of expertise.

Well, it's a robot. This brings up the whole "Do robots have souls or is that just me" debate thing that I really don't want to go in to. So, for simplicity, robots don't have souls, which is sorta just over the border for Death, I guess.

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

I like that quote. I don't know why, I just do.

It's very true. If you were in control of all fatalities, would you want anyone screwing it up?

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

Now we're talking!

Wow. Way to suck all the drama out of encountering a Dragon-type. Not that I'm complaining, though.

I'm going to have to write an even more anticlimactic Dragon encounter then, just for you.

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

Someone loves his job.

If you were him, wouldn't you?

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

Kill Death?

Can she even do that?

I guess it depends on who his mom is. And besides, it gives more of a reason to panic for him then saying "Mom's going to put me in time-out for fifteen... SIXTEEN minutes!"

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

Death's not exactly the best at coping with emergencies, I've noticed.

He's not a people person, giving him less time to learn to cope.

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master

Yeah, like that's gonna work so much better.

Nice chapter overall. Didn't expect Zub dying, but given how random everything here is, I have a feeling he'll get better.

I didn't expect him to either, but it made sense, so I went with it. Besides, it gives me plot points to work out later.

It was an unusual experience, being dead, as you might imagine. At the same rate, what kind of sick person imagines what being dead feels like?

Being mute, Zub had a lot of time to think. Too much time.

He’d reckoned he’d thought about everything. But not what being dead was like. It was an odd tingly sensation, as though the nice woman he had picked up from the pub down the street had shoved a decently sized grapefruit down his throat while gently rubbing a feather duster against his legs.

It wasn’t a sensation he was terribly accustomed to, but having experienced it three times he thought nothing weirder could happen.

He was wrong. Terribly, blisteringly, you’re-a-fat-LOOZAH kind of wrong.

“So, why are you rescuing me from the dead again?” said Zub, as apparently he could speak provided he was not living.

“Because I remember me doing it, so I have to save you,” replied Zub to Zub.

Zub looked at himself for a good few minutes before responding. “Alright, Zub. How do you imagine we escape?”

Zub thought for a moment. “Through the Exit door,” he said, pointing at a blatantly obvious neon sign proclaiming “EXIT” vividly just down the hall of which they were standing.

They went through the exit, to find that they had not exited. They tried again.

“The afterlife sure is confusing,” muttered Zub. Zub agreed.

This time, they traveled down the ceiling to the floor and left through the lower esophagus to the right wall, where they entered through a hatch to the ceiling of space.

“I have a headache,” said Zub. Zub also agreed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Just look at these stunning features! Smooth, albino hair! Lusciously golden-brown arms! A dimple of delectably delicate demeanor! It is me, the great and FABULOUOS Debbie! And you, Zub, proclaim not to have me in thy memory?” the man asked Death with a flourish of streamers.

“Excellent!” cried Debbie, pumping his fists among other things in a flame of excitement. “I choose you… my precious, ZUBAT!”

Ran facepalmed.

“And I, choose you, uh..” Death helplessly searched his cloak before recalling he hadn’t currently a Pokémon. “I choose you, Ran!” he shouted, grabbing the unsuspecting robot and tossing him into the battle arena, where he died, only to be replaced.

Debbie gasped. “I’ve never herd of it! I will use my POGEYDEX and discover what it is!” Debbie pulled out a small red mechanical box from within unknown recesses in his clothing.

“Ran, the Communist Pokémon. It is renowned for its extremist ways and overall hatred of its rival species, the Capitalists Pokémon.”

“Ugh. After being buried in three tons-worth of these guys’ corpses, I’m really thinking I hate them,” muttered Death as the bat pokmon dropped dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Door’s locked!” yelled Zub to himself, who merely shook his head and pulled out the Lightspeed Lugnet (new name to avoid copyright issues) and smashed open the door, to which Zub and Zub both ran out, falling several hundred feet up before coming into contact with a wall. Upon moving the wall, they found themselves in a void.

It was a nice void, if not blank.

A blank void.

It was White Space, all the way through and under, below and to the adjacent spaces of.

It was terribly dull.

“It’s terribly dull,” said Zub.

“Terribly dull,” agreed Zub.

Terribly dull agreed the void.

“Did you say something?” asked Zub. Zub shook his head.

I believe it was I who said I was dull, the Void added in a delightfully British accent. Now if you please, get out of me. I am hardly a woman to allow such frivolous men to jump in and out of me as they please, usually.

Then everything exploded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ran! Use… uh… COMMIE ATTACK!” shouted Death to attack Debbie’s final Pokémon, a Camerupt. An odd choice by any means, but the shaggy volcano camel was managing to hold its own. So far.

Ran picked up one of his corpses and hurled it at the Camerupt with all his might, landing with a small thunk as it bounced off the Fire-Pokémon’s nose.

“RAZZOFRAZZ*” shouted the Camerupt in pain.

*Razzofrazz is the ambiguous onomatopoeia used to dictate any Pokémon’s cry without coming up with a more reasonable term.

Debbie shook his head. “You’ll have to do more than that to stop my Camerupt, sweetheart,” he said with a wink. “Now! Cammie! ERUPTION!”

Cammie the Camerupt put its head down, then rolled over. Its two crater-humps began to shake analogously. With a loud bang! fire and magma careened out of the craters at mach speed, flinging the upside-down Pokémon into the air, where it crashed down with such intensity it created a shockwave powerful enough to kill Ran three times over.

Ran threw his corpses once more in retaliation.

“Oh, come on!” whined Death. “The FX guy must really hate us.”

Death shook his head and got back on focus. “Ran! Use your… uh, Cossack Buster!”

The commie-bot’s arm expanded until it was in the shape of a cannon, golden communist insignia embedded over the top. He fired.

“So close to getting an actual description for the protagonists…” muttered Death.

Cammie toppled over regardless of an adequate descriptor for the attack he just witnessed, ending the match.

An alarm went off suddenly, as a loud male robotic announcer voice thundered an introduction. “GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLESTUFF, IT’S TIME FOR THE GABBY-n-TY SHOW FEATUREING YOUR FAVOURITE REPORTERS, GABBY…. and Ty!”

With that, a blue haired woman sporting short shorts and a baby blue tank top burst in through a bush, followed by a gruff-looking cameraman boasting a rather oversized camera and common pedestrian clothing. “I told you it was a good idea to hide in that bush until a trainer passed by,” said Gabby to Ty, in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s all the same to me,” muttered Ty, looking sheepish and relieved his camera wasn’t focused on his minute blush.

“So today we have here two excellent Trainers!” continued Gabby talking so rapidly it fit her name all too well. “To what do you owe your success?”

“Communism,” Ran said simply.

“Dead stuff,” Death said simplier.

"WOW!” exclaimed Gabby, eyes watering up with sheer admiration at the three word response. “Ty! Write this down! This is… beautiful! Exquisite! All of the above!”

“Uh, yes sir! Ma’am! Sira’am!” said Ty, furiously scribbling it down on a yellow notebook.

“We really must be off now!” said Gabby, biting back tears. “I’m sure we’ll be catching your exploits around later, yes, si, non? Ciao!” With that, she and Ty leaped back into the brush and hid from sight.

“Uh,” said Ran, which, in Death’s opinion, suited the moment very well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zub remained unscathed, despite all the explosions. He looked over his shoulder and found Zub unscathed too.

He found that he could not talk. He was alive again. He looked over his shoulder and saw Zub take out a whiteboard, furiously writing on it.

“I suppose you’re wondering who I am, and why I saved you from dying,” the whiteboard read. Zub nodded and Zub kept writing.

“I come from the future. Why did I save you? Solely because I remember me doing it when I was you.” Zub rubbed his temples.

“Your friends are down that cliffside, and I really must be going. Ciao!” said the Whiteboard, and Zub and the whiteboard both vanished, leaving Zub to slide down the hill by himself.

“Yay! I found our friend again!” said Ran, happy to see Zub. Death nodded.

“You seem to be hating me… so it is none too soon. I am required by my Masters to destroy you, as that may seem.” The threesome still looked around, bewildered.

“You do not recognize me? Perhaps this will remind you…” A Zub appeared, a lavish mix of blue and purple tiniting its luscious flesh devoid of any fur nor scales. Its gaping maw was packed ferociously with fangs and other sharp objects meant solely for killing, and-

“I recognize that…” Death said slowly as realization dawned on his face.

“Yes! I am the first of Their commanders, a member of the Authors Five! I am Eff Ecks, the special effects guy!”

OK, I went through and found all the typos I could. Sorry if I corrected anything that was supposed to be there.

Spoiler:- typos and stuff:

said Zub

the great and FABULOUS Debbie!

“I’ve never heard of it!

to which Zub and Zub both ran out,

below and to the adjacent spaces of.

This is supposed to cut off right?

landing with a small thunk

“Oh, come on!”

IT’S TIME FOR THE GABBY-n-TY SHOW FEATURING

continued Gabby

I noticed after the "bursting out of the bush" scene you constantly spell Gabby's name with an -ie, despite using -y before then.

Ty! Write this down!

other sharp objects meant solely for killing, and-

There was an unneccessary speech mark after the "and-".

This time, they traveled down the ceiling to the floor and left through the lower esophagus to the right wall, where they entered through a hatch to the ceiling of space.

This is so, so...not even random. I don't know how to describe it, but it's awesome, whatever it is.

“Communism,” Ran said simply.

“Dead stuff,” Death said simplier.

Those must be some of the best responses to Gabby ever.

A Zub appeared, a lavish mix of blue and purple tiniting its luscious flesh devoid of any fur nor scales. Its gaping maw was packed ferociously with fangs and other sharp objects meant solely for killing, and-

Eff Ecks is selfish. He must really want to go and have ice cream.

I am the first of Their commanders, a member of the Authors Five!

I sense the fourth wall is about to be eliminated. Utterly eliminated.

And I ranked up! YAY!

Last edited by PhantomDragon; 2nd May 2012 at 5:29 PM.
Reason: Rank Up!

Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

Thanks for all the comments, reviews, and corrections guys. So, without further ado...Chapter 5: Bovinal Meany

“Eff Ecks?!” exclaimed Death incredulously. “Isn’t the fanfic a little young to be resorting to lame puns already?”

“But of course. But it could be much worse,” said Eff Ecks, waving off Death.

Death wouldn’t let it drop. “Like what?!”

There was a bright flash of white. “Well, originally my name was Spessul Eff Ecks Gai, but the Beta Readers died of so much terrible pun-ness, so Author and his Assistant had to remove it.” Eff Ecks shrugged as if that was a simple explanation.

Zub was pretty sure his brain committed suicide from all the fourth wall smashings.

The fourth wall, however, remained unharmed as it was never there. It was lying dead at the bottom of a ditch in a Albuquerque landfill long before the story even began.

“Well, I must bid you adieu now,” said Eff Ecks with a slight wave. “I have things to do. But before you get any ideas, you should probably die and stay dead,“ he said, glaring at Zub.

Death growled an ominous, dead growl. Typically speaking, dead things cannot growl, with the sole exception of the Third Graveller from Sol, which has been reportedly dead for thirteen years, despite growling at all who comes near it. This only made Death’s growl worse.

Zub attempted to run to try to catch Eff Ecks, to no avail. Being an author granted not only flight, but also diplomatic immunity and free sodas every Friday. Eff Ecks gave a sinister wave, imperatively evil, and disappeared into the Void.

“Welp,” said Death simply. “This sucks.” No one could agree more as the three started walking in the general direction where Eff Ecks had gone.

…

“This is stupid,” said Ran, kicking aside a pebble. “If this country was of the proud communistic Soviet Union, we wouldn’t have to hunt down this stupid maniac.”

“Could be worse,” said Death, shrugging. Zub looked on.

A WILD MILTANK APPEARED Zub thought suddenly. He looked around wildly, to find no such Pokémon. He had no beef. Zub was beefless.

Death paused and listened. “I hear meat!” he yelled victoriously. Zub signaled for him to back down, as he tensed and prepared himself.

There was a flash of pink, and Zub was gone.

“What the-“ Death said.

“Rogue cow! LEVEL 10 COW ALERT!”

“Not just any cow… the cow that has caused so many players grief. It’s a Miltank!” cried out Death, tearing up with nostalgia at his painful memories back in 2000.

“IT’S WORSE!” Ran gasped in horror. “A LEVEL 10 MILTANK ALERT!”

“Pray tell,” Death muttered thoughtfully, “Is there such thing as anything under a level ten alert?”

“Nope.”

“Why, exactly?”

“Makes it more dramatic,” Ran said simply and carried on walking, leaving Death to catch up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zub gripped the fat creature’s horns wildly as it sped through the forest, weaving nimbly through the leaves as though it weren’t the two hundred pound meatbrick it was.

That is to say, Zub was hanging on for dear life.

Palms sweaty with nervousness at the thought that even the slightest turn could throw him off, G-force in his face, Zub was not a happy hero.

Which isn’t to say he was a hero; he hadn’t done anything heroic, ever. Well, not intentionally, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miltank hated life at that moment. Here she was, minding her own business, when she decided to start running insanely fast. She never thought a mud-child was going to hitch a ride.

Not that he was a nuisance; he really wasn’t. He was just so… sweaty. It was gross.

Narrowly dodging another tree, she crashed through a variety of Shroomish lying around, which poured spores over her. Luckily, her cargo seemed to take most of the spores for her.

To her horror, she found her passenger nearly unconscious upon her back. At least it wasn’t dead, not yet; having a dead mud-child on her back would be so gross.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where am I? Zub thought in wonder.

Somewhere off in the distance a low chant rumbled over the hills of this blank Void.
“One Zub to rule Them all,
One Zub to find Them all,
One Zub to bind Them all
and in the darkness bind Them.”

“Oh crap, you’re about to die.” said Nob, glancing at his watch. “So, uh, since I forgot what I was supposed to tell you, you better get out into the real world.” A sudden flash, and the Void was gone. All that remained was Zub riding a fat cow about to ram into a tree.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This is stupid,” said Ran again. “Why do I have to interrupt the scene when I contribute nothing?" Death shrugged.

“THESE THREE LINES WERE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME” roared Ran.

“Three?” asked Death, confused. But I tho-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zub jumped off the rampaging bovine just as it rammed full force into the tree. Taking out his single Pokéball, he prepared to aim it when the Miltank whipped around and whipped him fiercely with her tail.

“MOO!” it roared in as ferocious of a manner as a cow can muster as it charged him once more.

It is most appropriate to here tell a story that is *entirely* relevant to the topic at hand.

A long time ago, there was a boy. No ordinary boy, either; he was a nerd. A jerk, too; a real kneebiter.

Now one day a group of rival jerks decided to be a jerk.

“Go away,” they said, which made the boy cry.

He was then rammed in the stomach by a two hundred pound cow that had decided to rampage.

Now, imagine that same feeling of being rammed by a two hundred pound cow while being recently drugged, disorientated, mute, and alive.

That pretty much summed up Zub’s day for him.

Hearing a rib snap, Zub looked at the bloody mass that he vaguely identified as his body.

He officially hated cows now.

Scraping himself off the ground with a spatula he had many arguments among his parents about whether or not it was truly practical to carry around with him, he braced himself for another impact.

The Miltank was glad to oblige, but having no idea why it was rampaging to begin with, it was much less sure why it was ramming a Mud-Child.

Just because Zub braced himself did not make it hurt any less.

He heard more snapping, and he was pretty sure his foot couldn’t be backwards at the same time as behind his head.

Readying his Pokéball in one final, last-ditch effort, he hurled it lamely.

It snapped shut around the Miltank.

One wobble.

Two wobbles.

Zub dared get his hopes up.

Another shake…

The final required shake, and then…

The Pokéball snapped open, releasing Miltank to once again try to annihilate the Mud-Child.

Zub prepared to die, just as Ran burst in to the woods, died a few times, then shot the Miltank just before it hit Zub, veering it off course.

Zub got off the ground, half limped, half carried himself over to his previous Pokéball. Throwing it gingerly with his apparently nearly severed arm, it absorbed the Miltank.

One shake-a.

Two shake-as.

Three.

The final, and with an explosion of fanfare, confetti, and stars, the Pokéball announced that it had successfully caught a Pokémon.

Releasing his new Miltank from within, he gave it a quick look-see.

It was an average Miltank, if not slightly heavier. The only notable feature was its crossed eyes.

With a face of realization he quickly typed into the Pokéball. “The newly caught MILTANK will be named Derpy Moos!” the Pokéball announced.

“Eff Ecks?!” exclaimed Death incredulously. “Isn’t the fanfic a little young to be resorting to lame puns already?”

It's never too early for bad puns.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

The fourth wall, however, remained unharmed as it was never there. It was lying dead at the bottom of a ditch in a Albuquerque landfill long before the story even began.

Well, at least this story's fourth wall is intact. The fourth wall for The Adventure of Adventureness series was crushed into a fine powder in chapter 1.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

Death growled an ominous, dead growl. Typically speaking, dead things cannot growl, with the sole exception of the Third Graveller from Sol, which has been reportedly dead for thirteen years, despite growling at all who comes near it. This only made Death’s growl worse.

Which begs the question, is Death dead? Alive? Somewhere in between? And you misspelled Graveler.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

Zub attempted to run to try to catch Eff Ecks, to no avail. Being an author granted not only flight, but also diplomatic immunity and sodas free sodas every Friday. Eff Ecks gave a sinister wave, imperatively evil, and disappeared into the Void.

“Welp,” said Death simply. “This sucks.”

Why, yes, Death. Yes, it does.

Originally Posted by Zibdas

“Not just any cow… the cow that has caused so amny players grief. It’s a Miltank!” cried out Death, tearing up with nostalgia at his painful memories back in 2000.

The Miltank that- OH GOD NO THIS IS WORSE THAN THE MT. MOON FLASHBACKS! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!! ENEMY MILTANK USED ROLLOUT! ENEMY MILTANK USED STOMP! THEY FLINCHED! THEY ALL FLINCHED! THE HORROR!

Originally Posted by Zibdas

The final, and with an explosion of fanfare, confetti, and stars, the Pokéball announced that it had successfully caught a Pokémon.

Zub caught a Miltank!

Originally Posted by Zibdas

“The newly caught MILTANK will be named Derpy Moos!” the Pokéball announced.

Ran sat sullen by a campfire, many similar robots and humans gathering near him. He was preparing to tell a part of the story he swore he’d never tell, in the sixth installment. Clearing his vocal box, he prepared himself.

“And now,” he announced boldly, “The sixth installment of the first part of how communism saved the Earth.”

“We are in no shape to combat the capitalist dog they call Eff Ecks,” Ran said aggressively, turning sharply to his audience, each in turn. “We need to shape up our team. I believe we need to start with none other than our bovine friend.” He pointed at Derpy Moos. “Derpy, we need to train you in the sacred art of sheer annoyances and terror that only the most infamous Miltank have mastered… Kung Moo.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ran paused in his, in his very Communistic opinion, epic story to note that one of the smallest human children was frantically waving his hand around.

“Yes?” he asked, lacking to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Well, uh, so, did that really happen?” the child asked. “Because, uh, that’s a really lame pun. The second so far, I think.”

Ran said nothing, but instead walked over to the child. Scooping it up in his arms, he gently shoved it underneath the sofa it was previously standing on.

“Now then, where was I?” he asked pleasantly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Kung Moo,” Ran repeated, in an excellent recap.

“So you’ve mentioned,” grumbled Death.

Ignoring the comment, the Commie-Bot continued. “We must do a montage to Eye of the Tiger in a classic Rocky format.”

this montage has been cut due to unprecedented and wholly nonexistent copyright claims. plus the Author is too lazy to come up with a good way to showcase the effect of a montage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wait, what?!” exclaimed the child, having surfaced from the depths of the sofa.

“Hm?” asked Ran, still annoyed.

“Well, I mean, you do this whole buildup of a montage, you even provide a link! And you don’t even give us the montage?”

Again Ran said nothing. He instead punted the child far, far away.

“As I was saying… Fine. I’ll rectify it and give a series of moments from the Communistic Training.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Faster! Faster!” cried out Zub, waving many Soviet flags at once as Derpy attempted to climb an escalator heading down. This only distracted his Pokémon, who then tripped and smashed her beefy face into the ground, where it was then pummeled by stair after stair. “Uh,” said Zub.

The Miltank donned two boxing gloves, and was furiously punching at several thousand trash bags in the recycling center as the came around on suspended bolts. The Pokémon thought it had the system down, between punching at regular intervals. Noticing this, Death noted that it had to be more of a challenge, and increased the speed tenfold. The bags all crashed into Derpy, rendering it unconscious.

Ran fired shots at the Milk Cow Pokémon, forcing it to move quickly dodge and evade the onslaught. The Pokémon was doing fantabulously until Ran actually tried to aim, in which the Pokémon collapsed.

…

“Well, that failed,” said Ran miserably. No one could agree more.

And then, through the power of Communism, Miltank was trained in the art of Kung Moo.