There are some people the President will sit down with any time: Congres­sional Repub­licans. On Thursday, he held a seven-hour televised summit on health­care. The only way it could’ve been more boring was if they were curling.

Now, folks, in the end, this summit gave us nothing — other than a tale to terrify genera­tions of children:

I even had one constituent [...] This poor woman had no dentures. She wore her dead sister’s teeth.— Rep. Louise Slaughter (D–NY)

And to this day, when the wind whips around the moor, you can still hear the teeth saying, “R-r-re­mem­ber to f-f-floss-s-s.”

Now, folks, with this “all-you-can-speak-nothing buffet,” I believe we missed an oppor­tu­nity to end the health­care stale­mate, because, to me, this summit seemed a lot like a seven-hour marriage coun­sel­ing ses­sion. And the reason there was no break­through is because one of the parties was not being emo­tion­ally honest. And I’m afraid in this case it was the Repub­licans. You see, Repub­licans and Demo­crats are like a hus­band and a wife. Now, clearly, the Repub­licans are the man, which means the Dem­o­crats are the woman — partly because they have no balls. And they’re in counseling because for the last year the Demo­crat wife has said she wants to have a baby, which is the health­care bill, and the Repub­lican husband is just saying what he thinks he ought to say. Listen to Repub­lican Eric Cantor(R–VA, House Minority Whip):

The reality is, Republicans do care about healthcare. — on NBC’s Meet the Press, 2010-02-21

We Republicans care about healthcare, just as the Democrats in this room. — at the Presi­den­tial healthcare summit, 2010-02-25

No, you don’t! If you did, you would’ve done something about it in the twelve years you ran Congress. Don’t hide your true feelings, guys! Repeat after me: “FUCK ’EM!” [audience cheers] If those “thirty” “million” “people” want health­care, let ’em get a better job, or join the Army, or go to Canada, or eat Flintstones® vitamins — it’s not our problem. Stop. faking. care-gasms. [audience laughs] Who knows — maybe the Demo­crats don’t want this baby, either. I mean, if they really cared about the uninsured, don’t you think they would’ve tried Single Payer or the Public Option? Hell — they could’ve insem­­i­nated themselves with that 60-seat super­majority. It’s like a “legis­la­tive turkey baster.” And I’m begin­ning to think the only one who wants this baby here is the coun­se­lor, Dr. Obama. Of course he wants it: as soon as it’s born, they’re gonna name the baby after him.

But, Republicans, I know if you admit you don’t want to be the father of this legis­la­tion, you’re afraid people will think you’re a monster. But isn’t it better for people to think you’re a monster than know you’re being dis­honest?? So pull out, guys. [audience laughs]

Besides — you’re never gonna get pregnant while both of you are in bed with the insur­ance companies.