Paris vs. Nicole, Again and Again

By
Liz Kelly

Sadly, they even compete for the best sultry over-the-left-shoulder pose. (Photos: Reuters/Getty Images)

AOL, long recognized as a purveyor of quality Internet content, has a present for us. Two, in fact. Both Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are featured in two new debuts over at AOL Music: Nicole's in dad Lionel Richie's video for the new song "I Call It Love" and Paris' album, "Paris", is now available for free streaming in its entirety.

What timing. It's as if the poor things are in their own velvet-roped circle of hell in which they are doomed to some kind of eternal competition for bad relationships, bad outfits, bad diets and bad press (not necessarily in that order).

How do the girls stack up in what has become, yet again, a mano-a-mano contest? My grades are below (Scale of 1 - 10 with 10 being the highest score):

Actual Talent: Nicole 5 | Paris 3

Nicole demonstrates an amazing ability to act, if shopping and hanging out at a trendy club whilst wearing an Audrey Hepburn-esque ensembles constitutes acting. Less convincing is the premise that she'd go for a campus peace activist or be caught dead listening to her dad's new, weak song.

In the spirit of saying something nice, I will say that Paris is very good at that breathless/whisper style of singing popularized by Janet Jackson about 10 years ago. In the spirit of telling the truth, the backing music is fine but uninspired and the lyrics are embarrassingly bad: "All the boys/They want to fi-ight over me," "My heart beats like a drum/And I hear you come" and the obviously aimed at Nicole, "You used to be that shoulder/I could lean on through it all/but now it's getting colder."

Nicole is somewhat blameless in this case. Her dad's the one largely responsible for this addition to his voluminous catalog -- some might call it a "wheel" -- of cheese. However, Nicole must be penalized for guilt by association. She was once affianced to a hip deejay, she should know better.

In the case of Paris, the lyrics reek of ick (please see lyrics sampled above or assess the nastiness of this additional transcription: "You should know/what it's like when it hurts/but it feels so right"). Some are also somewhat embarrassing -- the girl's cutting her first album and has nothing better to sing about than her falling out with Nicole Richie?

Toxicity: Nicole: 10 | Paris 10

This is a tough call. Both girls' efforts rendered me incoherent and in need of serious detox. After a little brandy and a little Motorhead, though, I was good to go.

Let's all spend some time today ruminating on Paris' haunting words, which wistfully recall the days when the girls were fresh-faced reality TV newbies, as yet unspoilt less spoilt by delusions of grandeur:

How did all the good between us turn so bad
Maybe someday we'll get back what we had

It occurs to me that Paris and Nicole have had well in excess of the fifteen minutes Mr. Warhol allotted them. So, Liz, in the interest of reducing the more unnecessary aspect of your workload, I suggest that in future any piece about either of them consist entirely of the word "Whatever," hyperlinked to the source material.
Saves our eyes, saves your fingers, lets those interested still get what they need/want.

I like the WHATEVER suggestion. I also like pictures of Nicole from when she had lost a little weight and looked like a normal Fabulous Non-Real-Job Having Celebrity. If you must include photos, please find one of the old "good" ones (realizing that there are very few "good" pix of Paris, maybe just use a stock Eiffel Tower pic?)

I would like to second, or third, or fourth the nomination for ENOUGH OF THESE TWO! For a couple of nitwits who specialty is their nitwittery, these yokels keep getting on the screen? How? I, and certainly noone I know, is even remotely interested in either of these two? So who is responsible for the continuing updates?! Who ASKS, "How is Nicole Ritchie doing...?" These two are the only reason that Anna Nicole Smith still looks like she's got her stuff together...

Paris's new album is no more or less bleh than anything else pop has ever managed to produce. If I had to pick one over the other, though, I'd toss'em both to the curb and make a high speed pass at Paris's sister, Nikky, the one with a brain, a business, and some self respect.

As for the Ick Factor, draggin Liv Tyler through the muck is a little tacky, considering she actually does possess a modicum of talent, the ability NOT to be seen on camera between movie deals, and something resembling a real career, along with having NOT grown up with her daddy's silver spoon lodged in her mouth. If Steve-o was behind doting on her a bit to help her along, I'd call that making up for lost time and forgive it. The "Crazy" video was suggestive, but hardly "One Night In Paris"...

Perhaps some smarmy mogul could compel Skeletor (NRichie) and Genitalia (PHilton) to team up with Fire-Crotch (LLohan), Drunky (TReid), and Dusty (KMoss, simply for a X-Atlantic link) to form a cat-scratching girl band called The Vapid Lacunas.

The caterwauling would be atrocious, but if you strapped those little metal talons used in cockfighting to their spindly legs it could be a good made-for-cable, steel-cage match spectacle during recording sessions.

Like we didn't already know he was a lying sack of thieving poo? There is now a tenth ring of hell waiting for him and his sidekick, GWBJ. And their host is....the dead guy from Enron whose creepy name escapes me. I have to go fix dinner.

I second Quoi's obervations. It is scary that the Post thinks these two clowns who have never worked for anything in their lives and add to their unearned riches with shows that mock working people is somehow worth paying writers to spend more time on. Pathetic really.