How does this PS sound?

I think I want to use this as my personal statement, what do you think? This is just a summary, I haven't worked on the real thing yet. Basically...

After I graduated from high school, I needed a summer job. Having no such luck in finding one, my mother who is a Special Education teacher for an elementary school told me that Special Ed teacher's aides were desperately needed. Reluctantly, I signed up to do it, and started off in behavior disorder classes, trying to keep down fights and keep them on task. Since I was a young male, most of the students gave me more respect than the teachers and actually listened to me. Eventually, I was moved into learning disorder/severe and profound disorder classrooms. I met children living with things that I couldn't even begin to imagine having to live with, including a kindergartener who did not have the ability to swallow, and still seemed as happy as could be.

I want to tie this all in to possibly how it taught me that my condition (pretty severe asthma when I was young) was not as bad as I thought it was, and how the experience pushed me to make the most of all my opportunites (signing up for the honors program when everyone told me it was a waste and potentially damaging to my gpa, joining various organizations and taking positions, exploring different academic interests, etc.). Opinions?

I'm sure some people may say not to write about that, and it's crap, but I think it could be a good essay. The closest I've come to dealing with children with special needs is coaching a high school fencing team with a boy that has Asperger's Syndrome, and while it was challenging, i can't imagine the experiences you had.

I would be careful, however, to make sure you really show how it had an effect on you. It seems like you'll be able to, but I think some people tend to take an experience like this and turn it into a 1-2 page resume entry. I would also try to work into the PS how you got interested in law. Did trying new opportunities prompt you to take an internship that you otherwise wouldn't have taken? The only reason I bring that up is because in looking over school's applications (some from last year) it seems the essay topics seem pretty well split into "why would you be a good law school student?" and "why do you want to study law," two questions that require slightly different responses, imho.

I'm sure some people may say not to write about that, and it's crap, but I think it could be a good essay. The closest I've come to dealing with children with special needs is coaching a high school fencing team with a boy that has Asperger's Syndrome, and while it was challenging, i can't imagine the experiences you had.

I would be careful, however, to make sure you really show how it had an effect on you. It seems like you'll be able to, but I think some people tend to take an experience like this and turn it into a 1-2 page resume entry. I would also try to work into the PS how you got interested in law. Did trying new opportunities prompt you to take an internship that you otherwise wouldn't have taken? The only reason I bring that up is because in looking over school's applications (some from last year) it seems the essay topics seem pretty well split into "why would you be a good law school student?" and "why do you want to study law," two questions that require slightly different responses, imho.

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lexylit

i read (somewhere, in some book) a critique of a PS that was interesting and well-written but revealed a lot about the person it was about, and nothing about the person who wrote it. i.e. make sure you don't get carried away in the story of one or all of these children, however heroic or fascinating, and neglect to let the reader get to know about YOU.

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ruskiegirl

I think you started with a good idea, but your writing (specifically the organization and word choice) could be a little stronger. You have to realize that ad coms read thousands of statements during the course of an admissions cycle. Your task is to grab their attention immediately (in the first few sentences) and maintain focus. Evey phrase you choose should make a significant contribution to the sentence, paragraph and the overall meaning/point of your statement.

If you are still in school, you may want to consult your career services office or English department -- they usually have someone there that will edit your statement for free.

No one writes a perfect statement on their first try, so don't dispair. It's a great topic -- keep working with it!

I think you started with a good idea, but your writing (specifically the organization and word choice) could be a little stronger. You have to realize that ad coms read thousands of statements during the course of an admissions cycle. Your task is to grab their attention immediately (in the first few sentences) and maintain focus. Evey phrase you choose should make a significant contribution to the sentence, paragraph and the overall meaning/point of your statement.

If you are still in school, you may want to consult your career services office or English department -- they usually have someone there that will edit your statement for free.

No one writes a perfect statement on their first try, so don't dispair. It's a great topic -- keep working with it!

If I sent that to a law school, I'd have to kick my own ass That was just to give people the general sense of the essay, to see if the topic was allright.

I think you started with a good idea, but your writing (specifically the organization and word choice) could be a little stronger. You have to realize that ad coms read thousands of statements during the course of an admissions cycle. Your task is to grab their attention immediately (in the first few sentences) and maintain focus. Evey phrase you choose should make a significant contribution to the sentence, paragraph and the overall meaning/point of your statement.

If you are still in school, you may want to consult your career services office or English department -- they usually have someone there that will edit your statement for free.

No one writes a perfect statement on their first try, so don't dispair. It's a great topic -- keep working with it!

If I sent that to a law school, I'd have to kick my own ass That was just to give people the general sense of the essay, to see if the topic was allright.

I think you started with a good idea, but your writing (specifically the organization and word choice) could be a little stronger. You have to realize that ad coms read thousands of statements during the course of an admissions cycle. Your task is to grab their attention immediately (in the first few sentences) and maintain focus. Evey phrase you choose should make a significant contribution to the sentence, paragraph and the overall meaning/point of your statement.

If you are still in school, you may want to consult your career services office or English department -- they usually have someone there that will edit your statement for free.

No one writes a perfect statement on their first try, so don't dispair. It's a great topic -- keep working with it!

If I sent that to a law school, I'd have to kick my own ass That was just to give people the general sense of the essay, to see if the topic was allright.