I have been thinking a lot about whether or not I ought to post this, but I think that maybe I ought to because I can't figure it out.

Last week while I was on vacation in California, I met a guy through a friend and one of my friend's friends. I'll call this guy Matt.

Matt and I had talked and text messaged several times, and then decided to meet each other. So my friend and I went and picked up Matt and took him back to my friend's place where I was staying. The three of us talked for a few minutes in the living room, and then my friend left me and Matt to talk alone. I knew Matt was gay, but that didn't bother me as I have other friends who are, and I struggle with it.

Anyway, Matt came right on to me and told me that he was aroused and invited me to touch his penis. As tempting as it was, I told him no. I told him that it was tempting, but I didn't want to touch him. Matt then said that hew wanted to go talk to my friend, so he and I went upstairs to my friend's room and we talked to him for a few minutes.

After Matt and I talked to my friend. I then told Matt that I wanted to talk to him in private about his struggle with same-sex attraction; I had found some information that might help him. (Matt has feelings for other guys, but he was also not sure what he wanted due to religious beliefs.) So Matt and I went in to my bedroom.

Matt first told me about this other guy who had been sending him inappropriate texts, and he wasn't sure how to handle it, so I told him what I would do if it were me.

Then I asked Matt if he wanted a back massage. He said "yes", so I gave him a massage for a few minutes. He asked if I cared that he take his shirt off, and I told him that I didn't mind. After a few minutes, I asked him to give a back massage, and he did, but I left my shirt on.

After a few minutes of massaging me, Matt said "screw this," and he took his pants off and got on top of me and started to rub his penis on my butt crack. Though I still had my pants on, it did feel good. Matt told me not to worry that I could climax in my underwear. Though I didn't want to be sexual, it felt good and so I didn't say anything.

Matt then told me to take my shirt off, and so I did. He then started kissing my face, neck, and back. He even sucked on my ear. At this point I told him "No, I don't know I really want this." But Matt did not stop. Matt then got off of me and rolled me over onto my back. I knew that Matt had to be going home soon, and I told him that if he stayed longer, then I would have sex with him, but even then I was sure I wanted to. he told me he couldn't stay--which I knew he would say. He told me to take my pants off, but I didn't. He then undid my belt, but he din't undo my pants.

Again, Matt got on top of me and started kissing my neck and body. I didn't know what to think or do; I wanted to have sex, but again, there was still a part of me that screaming "stop!" I just wish I could have said it out loud. While Matt was kissing my body, I closed my eyes and looked away; I wanted to escape. After what seemed like several minutes, he stopped. When I opened my eyes and he was looking down at me, and before I could do or say anything, he started making out with me. At this point, I just gave up and stopped caring. However, I did make one last effort to resist.

When Mat stopped kissing me, I told him that I did't want to have sex. He asked me why, and I told him that it is against our religion, and I would get severe consequences. Matt told me that I wouldn't get into trouble, but that he would. I asked him if he knew that he would be in trouble, then why was he doing this? Matt told me that he didn't care anymore. He then said to me, "I will screw you, and you screw me." And then he started rubbing his penis on my butt crack again, but I still had my pants on. While he was doing this, he said, "Can you feel that? You like my cock?" I said I could feel it, but I ignored the other question.

Next Matt sat on top of me on my waist, then then moved to my stomach and chest. At this point I was scared as I thought he would force me to do oral sex on him, but he didn't. he grabbed my penis through my pants, and then got up and left the room saying that he had to use the bathroom.

When Matt left the room, I felt guilty and terrible. I decided that when he came back in, I would go ahead and have sex with him. When Matt came back in, I told him I would have sex with him, but he said it was too late and that he is going home. he then said that the way he has sex, it would take two hours, and if he did do anal sex on me, it would be "an experience I would never forget." I told him I was serious about wanting to have sex, but he still said "no".

My friend took Matt home and when my friend came back about an hour later, i told him what had happened, (Matt didn't tell him). My friend said that he felt bad for leaving me alone with Matt as he had a bad feeling about him.

I told my friend that I didn't care anymore and that I wanted to have sex. Though I knew that my friend was attracted to me, he has NEVER tried to pressure me into doing anything sexual. But this time I didn't care; though I have absolutely no attraction towards my friend, I told him that he could go ahead and have sex and do whatever he wanted to do to me. I could care less. My friend said he wouldn't do that because even though I was letting him, he said it wasn't right because I am not in the right frame of mind to be making that decision, and that if he did have sex with me, he would be further hurting me. Though I told him that I really wanted the sex, nothing happened between me and my friend.

One thing I forgot to mention, later that same night, Matt contacted me via text messaging. I told him that I never wanted to have sex with him, and he replied saying that he knew and that he was sorry. I told Matt that I didn't care anymore and that "now I really want to have sex with you." I was--and still am--so confused.

I am so confused. What does all this mean? Was I really asking for it? Or was I assaulted? And why would I decide to have sex with my friend, especially when I have no interest in being sexual with him?

Hi TW16, this was some problematic situation. Thank God that you weren't acted out. If I'm ever felt tempted I'm trying to avoid problematic situation as much as possible. Some stuff have like "power" on me and I hate it and I need to avoid it. I must learn to control myself.I was also brought to sexual things as boy by other boys and some scars are left - meaning same sex attraction. I must say that I would never let myself into real sex with other male but I have problems with gay porn. Anytime I can't resit it I'm aware that I'm acting out. I'm full aware that I want to repeat something similar to abuse and that I'm not in good mind frame. I've been learning about background emotions that are driving me to such situations and those are not some positive. It is like: feeling helpless, lonely, left by others etc... Those feelings are triggers for me and for my behavior that I don't like. It is my driving force to numbing trough some things that are pleasurable (porn). Some people watch porn, some have dangerous sex, some overuse alcohol or drugs, list could be very long. Common thing is need for escape from reality because of some past trauma. I've read great article by Ken Singer, LCSW that is posted on this site about breaking of self destructive behaviors. Please read it and try to discover what are feelings that force you trough such situations. Here is the link to article: http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.htmlI like a lot that your friend was honest to you and what he told you: "My friend said he wouldn't do that because even though I was letting him, he said it wasn't right because I am not in the right frame of mind to be making that decision, and that if he did have sex with me, he would be further hurting me."He is very carrying person and it seems that he understand you a lot. He has seen that in some way you wanted to hurt yourself. Please take care of yourself and try avoiding some situations if you can sense that some tension in you is building up. There are ways to learn how to control our demons and to stop acting out. Keep sharing with us! Pero

TW16, you have gotten some very good advice here with Pero and Tyr(men ARE pigs, lol), please find the comfort first, then the instruction.

When I recall the accounts of the brave men on MS in this forum and their experiences, I have to say that this seems less like an assault and more like desire, indecision and uncertainty that led to a lot of activity that was mutually desired by both parties. Ultimately, he did not do anything you did not want at some point, and more so, he stopped when you finally conceded.

I would strongly suggest that you find the answers to the questions you have posted here before another incident develops. While religion makes certain demands, it is up to you to define your "will". What you choose you must be at all times, for your own affirmation, self confidence and inner peace. Define yourself by those answers you choose. Post your reply here. Act with determination towards those resolutions. These questions are coming up at this time, take them as they surface and make them your life choices.

It is important that this issue be fully thought out here as long as it stays within the structure of the event. If our thoughts move towards any child sexual abuse issues, it is important to move this to the appropriate forum. We must respect the forum and the men who use come here to bring their specific issues to resolution. You will be supported and given practical experience and perspective for your post here, in the forum that serves the issue you seek to resolve.

You are a survivor, TW16, you are among those who understand, who have struggled with this and may still be. Know you are in the right place for such resolution and relief,

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