Friday

Sutter's Mill USA - Respected Alienprobologist, Dr Xeno Milquetoast Dds, PhD, LGM. has made the announcement that DEAN is actually a "PROBE FROM MARS"
Milquetoast upon remembering how in The War of the Worlds the Martian attackers walked around killing humans everywhere with their heat rays, then all got sick and died because of earth bacteria, the idea struck him like a heat ray.

Milquetoast says that the Spirit Rover, possibly the Beagle II and other failed landers have all been affected by Martian microbes gumming up the works in a similar fashion. Milquetoast defines this term as when works get all gummy like when microbes get in them.

Milquetoast says "Missions to land on Mars have all fallen silent due to Martian microbe-caused gummy works. It's a plague. We've probing them, they are probing us back and I have the proof!''

"Deans incessant ranting, not quite human emotional response, expressions, and reaction and the otherworldly screech, desire for world domination are clear indicators that he's a alien presence in the form of an almost human like replicant, y'know like in Blade Runner, but without the expiration date, sort of War Of The World Martian Attack Thingy Mark II. Maybe he's not completely gummed up yet but his works are DEFINITELY getting gummier. Gummy to the point of psychotic episodes."

Milquetoast observes, "He makes little to no sense. Did you notice the similarity between his screech and the Mars Rover current unintelligible gibberish?"

Milquetoast adds in a serious tone, "Also note how he jabs his 'finger' out as though sampling the earth air with a probe-tool."
"Note also how he's always taking his coat off and rolling up his sleeves. Earth is a veritable oven compared to Mars, so of course he's gonna be taking off layers to keep his heat ray from overheating and killing the electorate, before he's ready for that phase of his plan, that is."
"Why do you think he keeps his records as Governor of Vermont sealed? The first line of his Governor's Journal probably reads 'I now am leader a land region the earth beings call 'Vermont', The earth beings are easy to trick but not so easy to emulate. After I overthrow their world power, the 'U.S.A.', they will be fun to toast with my heat ray. I do so miss the probe factory back on Mars where I was built. Got to go, works feeling gummy, yeeeeahrrg.'"

"Dean's a Martian probe, that's all there is to it. You've been warned, don't blame me when he heat rays all over New Hampshire or Connecticut or Texas or.....Well, you get the point."

This Fake News is brought to you by: Milquetoast Anti-Heat Ray Clothing. 'Remember, friends, You won't get toasted if you're wearing Milquetoast'