We can't believe this happened… because now we have to write about it and now you have to read about it and we are so so so so sorry!

A 70 year-old man stuffed a 4-inch fork into his penis, and then had to have professionals remove it. Ugh.

The man was admitted to the hospital in Australia when he came in with a "bleeding urethral meatus" (which is the best metal band name ever), because he shoved a fork in there in an attempt to "achieve sexual gratification." Whatever happened to just lotion??

Here's the good news: the fork was successfully removed using forceps and "copious lubrication" (which is the best opening act metal band name ever), and his wang is going to survive. What's not surprising is stuff like this happens all the time, to other people, with things like pens, safety pins, telephone cables, glue, cocaine, straws, marbles, light bulbs, carrots and snakes.

SNAKES.

Anyway, people should probably not do this — or at least find something that's manufactured for this purpose instead of just using whatevs is lying around!

Ha!

P.S. — We can't wait to go see Bleeding Urethral Meatus at the Greek some day! We hear that Copious Lubrication will be opening for them! LOLz!

And then he wonders why people don't like gays? Most of us love gays, but we don't need to see this shit ANYMORE than we need to see heterosexuals doing shit. START A FREAK site and let the rest of us live our lives online without this shit.