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Kids are asleep in the backseat. I'm at Hs 5yo cousins bday party. H is at a wedding I was disinvited to. So why am I here?

I struggled to get here (to get out of the car). What pushed me to move one foot in front of the other is what got me to DB in the first place, I need to put as much effort into it until I can walk away knowing I gave it my all.

My 180 is improving my relationship w Hs family. It's much better than before but I feel myself struggling because it's been 9mos n no R talk in sight.

He lingers more at my house. Last night he stayed to watch Lion King w S3 while I minded my business cleaning. Tomorrow he said, "I'll do yardworking n hangout here. We can order pizza." I answer "sure" like it was no big deal. This is the 3rd time he lingers this long in a week. All it means is that he feels comfortable. Good.

So I keep on going. But aunt flo came today and it doesn't help w my emotions. Missed call from him. I'm leaving cell behind. How could he be at a wedding without us? So don't call me!! U want ur freedom? Well run w it! I should get out of the car now. Until next week...

v-i've read your thread and it gives me hope in alot of ways. i have a few q's for you if you don't mind. i am an alcoholic. i got sober 9/11. my wife has been to 2 alanon meetings. she said she doesn't want to go back because it will make her hate me more. i thought that was wierd. i assumed they are like aa meetings. are they? does your H going to aa meetings help you regain some trust in him. or help you see that he is changing. me being sober is a big deal and i am loving working my program. the changes i've seen in myself so far are very encouraging. my W says its an act. i'm fine with that. i know its not.

heartbrokeinsd-wow, how can I sum up al anon. Well first, your wife should go to 6 mtgs before she writes them off and different locations. Each meeting is different.

Will she hate you? It's part of her recovery. It's for HER to help herself. As you work through the steps, there are moments you feel a lot of anger but as you keep going you learn to forgive and turn the focus back on yourself.

Also, H has been depressed for just about a year and I can finally see him happy. He listens to other ppl talk about their regrets and it helps him heal and he's going to individual counseling.

I suggest you keep working your 12steps. She needs to see your changes for 8 months (yrs you've been married) for her to believe they are REAL!

I'm going on 4 months (5yrs together) and I pray that by the end of the 5th month (July) 1) I will be a better person and a better mom and 2) H n I will be closer to R...

I read that post earlier about Al Anon making her hate you more. Did you ask why? Maybe it's that she's afraid to feel her feelings after shutting them down for so many years. That's the normal reaction of someone living with an alcoholic, no one can hurt my feelings if I don't allow feelings.

Maybe she should try a different group.

One day at a time!

_________________________
Me 57/H 58M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss

My friend and I started doing the Love Dare Journal together. Day one says, be positive and don't say anything negative. Even if you don't agree with what they have to say.

I made a negative remark on the first day, then the second, then I got a neck spasm. Had to go to the ER to get a shot of painkillers. I realized, I am VERY hard on myself. I don't allow there to be mistakes. Perfection is expected.

I was at the ER on Fri night and I got a massage today. It's awful. Any little thing gives me MORE stress!

Forget the Love Dare Journal. I can't even look at my regular daily meditation without feeling overwhelmed (working on relaxing has become a chore). I go to Al Anon pressuring myself to "detach" "live and let live" etc, etc.

BTW: H n I took the kids to the movies Sat. and Sun he invited us to go to another family outing. It was nice. I was sure to seem detached but friendly. He continues to talk about our future apart...EX. H: You should consider later on doing xyz to the house/yard.H: S3 is still to young to spend the night with me. Later on, I'll have him spending the night with me and have a bed for him at my new place.

Veroprado - I hear you. I have my good days and my bad. Its hard to hear them say these things to us like we are nothing. Like being the mother of their children is nothing. It hurts so deeply. Dont try to run from the pain. You need to allow it to hurt.

Enjoy each precious moment with your little girl and boy You are sooo sooo blessed to have a perfect a beautiful daughter and son. Write a gratitiude list.

There is still so much hope. Believe. You never know when the miracle will happen.