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I met an agent last fall at a writers conference where we were both presenting and she mentioned she was looking for a "crazy cat book. " Hell-oh! We e-mailed a bit and I put together what I thought (and still think) is a great query letter with a unique yet bizarre idea. A lot of times as a writer you send things out in the world just not knowing what the response will be. But I have to say, I fully expected this woman to bite. Instead, I got a ding letter. And I thought for those of you who have not experienced the joy of receiving a ding letter, I would translate the hidden meaning behind the words.

Here is the actual letter:

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, and we apologize for our delayed response. It was kind of you to think of us, but we are sorry to be unable to offer to see more of your work.

We appreciate the opportunity to consider your materials, and we wish you the best of luck elsewhere.

Sincerely,

Big Shot Literary Agency

For those in the know, here is what this letter is actually saying:

Dear Loser,

We enjoy knowing we control your destiny and spent months circulating your letter through our office where you'll be pleased to know it was used for target practice, a hand towel, and in the end, to wipe the runny flu-swelled nose of our most important client's prize-winning Beagle. It was amusing that you thought we might actually be interested in representing you, and we are sorry more authors of your caliber don't submit work to us, as we need the laughs.

We appreciate the opportunity to reflect on why we are now and always will be better and more important personages than yourself. However, please consider this letter a formal cease and desist notice and be advised we will instigate legal action should you chose to even consider sending us material in the future.