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Friday, June 3, 2011

Kick Me

Kick me.

Seriously. Feel free to get a little aggression or anger out. I can take it. I'm begging for it. Just get it over with. There must be a sign taped to my back entreating those around to "Kick Me". Otherwise why am I the target?

Is it because I'm fat? Does that make me less worth of human kindness?
I'm I a loser that obviously cannot succeed at anything I attempt?
What does sabotaging me do? Are my failures your victories?
Is my pursuit of happiness all in vain and you hope to save me from disappointment?
Are you just a bad person?

I'm sorry to rant but those are the thought going through my mind lately. There is no strength. My little niece reminds me to "just keep swimming" but I feel like I've lost my abilities and can only dog-paddle to keep my head above water. This last week has been hard. Everyone knows I'm dieting and working out. I tell people because it keeps me honest, I hope then that they'll support me by not offering me non-diet foods, and because I don't mind a little positive attention. If people know you're dieting, they're not afraid to ask you if you've lost weight. Apparently, no one's afraid to speak their mind anyway.

Let me tell you a few stories.

I was being driven around town after a doctor's appointment yesterday. The game plan was to hit up some yard sales, maybe get a bit of lunch, and then to be dropped off at home. I look up to discover where we are going as we park in front of a cupcake shop. Going in, the driver inquires of me which cupcake look best. My response: "I don't have an opinion since I can't eat any of them. As you know, I'm dieting." Her response: "Oh whatever! You can have a couple. I give you permission."

Them: I have a pair of jeans you can have.
Me: Why don't you want them?
Them: They don't fit me right.
Me: How come?
Them: I lost weight and now they're fat jeans. but they'll fit you.

So if you see a "kick me" sign on my back, just do it and get it over with. kick me, I'm fat. I'm over it.

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About Me

I'm trying to reshape my life by reshaping my body. The journey isn't easy, I'm trying to get strong enough, and all I really want to do is to destroy that fat chick that I see in the mirror each day. She's not real. She's not me. I want her gone.