Over here! I say... over here! Hello. What took you so long? I'm Phoning Honey, the zany harlequin who just can't stop pulling his pranks down. Why do I do this? I'm mentally ill. It's not really that funny when you think of it like that - a disease of the mind is still a disease. It's just, you know, an imaginary one.

Anyway. Here I go again with another transcript of my attempts to amuse and bewilder through the means of whimsical discourse with an online support worker. All names have been changed. They really have.

HONEY: Yes of course. I followed all the instructions on your website, "Mark", but it's just as slow as it always was. I'm just trying to watch my favourite show - T-Bag. Is that such a crime?

MARK: I'm going to run a test on your line.

HONEY: Wait. "Mark". Please don't do that yet.

MARK: Ok. Why?

HONEY: I've made some modifications.

MARK: What kind of modifications? To the router you mean?

HONEY: Yes, and to the line. I have an extensive model train layout running through my garden. I call it "The Puffer", because when I look at the trains I think of puffer fish, for some reason. I had to sink the line beneath the tracks.

MARK: What do you mean when you say that you had to sink the line?

HONEY: I had to submerge it beneath the ground, otherwise the trains would slice through it with their deadly metal wheels. Choo-choo! All aboard!