Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he’s registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush.

They got him a huge cake. He didn’t blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up on their own.

The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It’s getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some.

Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don’t want it to happen there.

Lindsay Lohan is out of prison. Is two weeks really enough to pretend that you’ve learned your lesson?

President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back.

The president is 49 years old, but it’s never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.

Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday

10

Sent troops to invade a Cold Stone Creamery

9

Read details of his surprise party on WikiLeaks

8

Got a new fake birth certificate he wanted

7

Read "Eat Pray Love" and bawled his eyes out

6

Asked birthday party magician if he could make Sarah Palin disappear

5

Fist-bumped with Snooki and The Situation

4

Went to Pizzeria Uno for their "Shrimp & Crab Fun-Doo" with the guys from NORAD

3

Flew Air Force One to Party Depot to buy helium balloons

2

Sat alone watching "Real Housewives" marathon on Bravo

1

Stuffed Tony Hayward full of nickels and beat him like a pinata

A federal judge struck down California’s gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy.

Forty of the world’s richest men have agreed to give away half of their wealth. Newspapers are calling it an unprecedented gesture of goodwill. But it’s not unprecedented, because I’ve given away half of my stuff twice. It’s called divorce.

Anyone who says they gave away half their stuff never got divorced. It’s not half your stuff, it’s all your stuff.

Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn’t have enough votes.

A federal judge overturned the ban on gay marriage in California, which is great news for gays and wedding planners.

Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of “We Are the World.”

BP says they’ve been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office.

Today was President Obama’s birthday. All the Democrats were like "How old are you now," while the Republicans were like "And where were you born?"

Morrie Yohai, the man who created the Cheez Doodle, has died at the age of 90. His remains were placed in an urn — and sealed with a chip clip.

Fox has approached The Situation from “Jersey Shore” about starring in an upcoming episode of the drama, “Bones.” When they asked him to come in for the audition he was like, “Who the hell is The Audition?”

I just read about a 7-year-old boy in Britain who sells his paintings for $200 thousand. His last painting is incredible. It’s titled, “Man flushing $200 thousand down toilet."