I am sitting here at 11pm after another pointless, aggressive argument. I live in fear each and every day, not for me but for the mental health of my 9 year old son. My partner has been abusive really from the very beginning, about 10 years we have been together, she fell pregnant very early on and gave birth to a fantastic boy, though this is when the anger started, towards the baby! screaming at him, accusing him of kicking her deliberately, of taunting her? I was the one who nursed him to sleep at night,fed him, to this day she has never bought him so much as an item of clothing. maybe this was post natal depression? I mentioned it to our GP who interviewed her, he got back to me, laughed and said no way she was wonderful. This was when I started to have doubts about her mental stability, her ability to lie and manipulate people into believing her, (I was one of those people, being told about all her past abusive and physical violent relationships, previous boyfriends and even an abusive father) I now do not believe any of it, I think in each case they threw her out to get out of the domestic violence SHE was instigating, I know this because I too have now become a victim. there are now 7 separate holes in my house walls, I have been kicked and slapped, constantly yelled at, doors slammed onto me, accused of all sorts of things, including hitting my son, where she called police, docs, paradise kids centacare, the school principal, and could not wait to tell me about it when I got home, it was like she was only happy if there was an issue going on, unable to live what I would call a normal happy life. (I have never hit my son, a misjudged rumble one afternoon caught him off guard and he was winded, this is what started all the reporting) interestingly we constantly argue about her hitting him all the time? Every fathers day, Christmas, my birthday or simply a special event for me she seems to sabotage it. Always a massive argument, I am slowly learning to just not come home or be in a room where she is not, yet this does not always work, tonight is a classic example. I am off tomorrow with a best mate to Cairns, a 5am wakeup to take me to the airport, I asked her to make sure our son was in bed at 7.30 because of the early start and still a school day, I went to sleep. I awoke at 9.15pm, she was playing on the computer, he was playing cars, I mentioned that he should be in bed, well instant yelling, I rang dad to see if he could take me to the airport, the phone got ripped out of my hand, thrown objects, old arguments immediately brought up, name calling, I went downstairs to say goodbye to my son, she ran off in the street yelling Help, Help, someone help me? at least my father was on the phone and heard what went on. she took our son away and drove off to her other house (I asked her to leave 4 months ago when she cracked my head open on a door, putting my foot down and saying she must leave, that this is not a house with domestic violence, though she still comes to my house every day, eats here four times a week at least) I did not say goodbye to my son, what is he thinking at this point, I don't dare go over there for fear of more screaming and abuse. I am depressed and came on line searching for options, my holiday is ruined, I wont be able to relax. All I want is a happy son and I am starting to see cracks appear in him.

How many men are in the shadows falling apart with no-one there to see, no support and feeling guilt that we failed as a partner and as a father. I know its not my fault but where to now?

At least I'm feeling a little better after writing this and reading all the stories here, I am not alone, and that helps in a small way.

Article originally appeared on One in Three Campaign (http://www.oneinthree.com.au/).