April 2012

As Wacko Jacko said, minutes before keeling over in a drug induced haze, "This is it". The best Grumpy Mule there is. This one is impossible to f*ck up - evey time you pour this little beauty into the cup your legs are gonna be quivering, barely able to take your weight, in anticipation of what's to come, as it's looks so good and smells so good you know it's going to blow you away. It's a heavy, thick coffee clearly designed for MEN - there's not a hint of gay-as-a-lord zestyness or citrus. It's just C.O.F.F.E.E. The only thing that can stop me giving this a 10/10 is the usual Mule pricing - its a fiver a pop. Even on Amazon. But tell you what folks - do your self a favour and give it a go... 9/10

This has restored our faith in the Grumpy Mule - and Latin coffee - which for us lately just never seem as good as the Africans. We've had a few of these - and there's been no cock ups on any of them. Easy to make and forgiving on that early Monday morning shaking hand that could so easily over-egg it. Anyway - there aren't really any adjectives or metaphors to describe this - no "fruity"or "zesty" required. It's just a good old coffee-tasting mug that makes you realise that you will never drink instant coffee for as long as you live. They claim "nutty" and "chocolatty" which is just their marketing department talking utter bollocks. There's nothing to say except - it's f*cking great: get some. (9/10)

Despite all the bold claims on the back of the packet that this is "Bursting with delicious citrus notes" it's not quite true. OK it does have a lemony twang to it - but somehow it just tastes a bit cheap - like stirring a spoon of Lift into an averagely drinkable coffee. It's still nice enough, and the coffee taste hangs around in your mouth after you've glugged it. But in the end, the citrus twist just isn't enough to elevate this thing. Maybe it's because it's a strength 3 which us judges cannot cope with. If this had a bit more grunt, it'd be there. So, if you want a kiddie-level introduction to Kenyan Coffee, this one will probably do you well - it's rated a 12A, or a (6/10)

The first thing to note about this one is the large grains - you can't stack up a big spoon of this stuff - it just slides straight off. It's almost as if after grinding it they washed it, which can't be good. It smells slightly ashey too. But on making this at our usual strength it comes out pretty good. OK it's not super-sophisticated - but it does the job and it pleasantly drinkable. There are plenty of other coffees out there though which are better than this one, and don't cost as much (this is a 4 quidder). So I would buy it again - but i'd be looking for anything else in preference! (6/10)

This says "Light Espresso" on the packet - and they mean it. It also says it's fruity in flavour - but this judge didn't get any of it. Not fresh fruit served in the Guatemala rain forest anyway - maybe a waft of tinned fruit cocktail served in a Little Chef. It's all just a bit too weedy for my liking - though it does have flavour and I can appreciate there's quality here - just not enough of it. Maybe if we spoon it up, big time, it'll get the church bells ringing, but at the standard dosage this is one for your mum. And I mean your mum, not mine, who is as hard as nails. (6/10)