Contents

Description

In the Old West, situations often came down to two men with their six-shooters, settling their differences in the middle of the street. This Death Battle brings together two of the Old West’s greatest gunmen...OK, one gunman and one gun-horse!

Interlude

Boomstick: Let me take you back to the days of yesteryear. You know, when men were men...and sometimes rabbits...and ducks...and...other...less definable critters.

Wiz: That’s right, we’re going back to the Old West, as presented by such companies as The Warner Brothers, and Hanna-Barbera.

Boomstick: Yep, and were pitting one of the great lawmen of those day against one of the vilest of outlaws.

Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Quick Draw McGraw

Wiz: Quick Draw McGraw was an anthropomorphic cartoon horse who had his own television show from 1959 to 1962.

Boomstick: Quick Draw himself was a cowboy in the Olde West (trademark), often the sheriff of an unnamed town. He ambled cluelessly from adventure to adventure with his sidekick Baba Looey, and an anthro-po...anthrope...Mexican burro. He also employed a rather strange blood hound named Snuffles, who for some reason was not anthro-po-po-peed.

Wiz: And when fighting crime, Quick Draw would assume the guise of a masked vigilante, named El Kabong.

Boomstick: That’s right, wearing a black hat, mask and cape, El Kabong would swing out on a rope, and whack the bad guy on the head with his handy dandy four-string guitar. It made a meaty “Kabong” sound, so Quick Draw referred to his guitar as his “Kabonger.” It is just plain AWESOME!

Wiz: Kids, don’t try this at home. Also, Quick Draw McGraw is also a Toon Force user. Toon Force is a mystical reality-warping force that allows its users to avoid harm in lethal situations, and produce items from seemingly thin air – if it’s done for comedic purposes.

Boomstick: Hey Wiz, quick. Look at the door!

Wiz: What?

Boomstick: KABONG!

Yosemite Sam

Wiz: By 1945, the men that made the Bugs Bunny cartoon shorts realized that Elmer Fudd was just too soft to be a good opponent for the rascally rabbit, so animator Friz Freleng introduced a new opponent, Yosemite Sam.

Boomstick: Sam was a perfect target for dear ol’ Bugs. He was loud, he was insulting, and he was heavily armed...

Wiz (quietly): Sounds like someone I know.

Boomstick: And he was also short, stupid and easily goaded into ill-advised actions.

Wiz: But, Sam was never a push-over. Like his opponent, he’s a master at the use of the Toon Force. He has been shot in the face with pistols, rifles, shotguns and cannons, blown up with dynamite, had safes, anvils and pianos dropped on him, and suffered no appreciable harm.

Boomstick: This means that Sam is effectively unkillable. Ho boy! Well, hang onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen; this is going to be a long one!

Intermission

Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.

Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Death Battle

Pre-Fight

The scene is a small sheriff’s office in the Old West. Sheriff Quick Draw McGraw is under a desk, sweeping up surprisingly large piles of dust with his dust broom and pan.

Suddenly, the front door slams open, and in runs his deputy, Baba Looey. Quick Draw bashes his head on bottom of the desk, scattering everything that was on the top.

Baba Looey: “Hey Queeks Draw, there’s someone outside looking for yu, an he seems very angry. I theen you better get going!”

Quick Draw stands up and dusts himself off, raising a cloud of dust that temporarily obscures him from view.

Quick Draw: “<Cough. Cough.> Now see here, Baba Looey, as the sher’ff of this here town, ah’m the one that gets angry and people come a’runnin, and doooooon’t you forget it.”

Baba Looey: “I know that and you know that Sheriff Queeks Draw, but that hombre out there, I no think he knows it.”

The sheriff straightens his bandana and adjusts his gun belt: “Well, ah guess ah’ll just have to go teach him some manners.”

Quick Draw walks out the door and onto the dirt street. Up the short distance of the street to the edge of town, a short figure stands in the middle of the street. The sheriff walks to the middle of the street and turns to face the man. The sunlight exposes the features of Yosemite Sam.

Sam: “Be you the sheriff of this good-for-nuthin, one-horse town?”

Quick Draw looks at the camera: “One-horse? We’ve got more than one horse, and ah should know. Ah used to be a horse holder at Madame Orr’s House.” He waggles his eyebrows at the camera.

Suddenly, the voice of Boomstick is heard: “Oh yeah. Did I mention that Quick Draw McGraw is a fourth wall breaker?”

Quick Draw puts his hands on his hips and looks at the camera: “Now see here, you. You’ve said your peace, now it’s time for this here showdown to take place.”

Boomstick: “Sorry.”

Quick Draw nods at the camera and then turns back towards Sam: “Ah’m the sher’ff alright, what’s you be a’wantin with me?”

Sam: “Ma name is Yosemite Sam, the meanest, toughest hombre what ever drew a six-gun!”

Sam draws two pistols, and fires a number of rounds into the ground; lifting him up by almost his entire height into the air. He re-holsters his guns: “You’ve been cleanin’ up this here town, and ah mean to clean up you!”

Quick Draw: “Well ah’m Quick Draw McGraw, the nicest sher’ff this side of Abilene, and ah don’t need no cleanin’.”

With that Quick Draw reaches into his holster, draws his dust broom and points it at the sky. His fingers twitch, squeezing a trigger that isn’t there. Quick Draw looks at the dust broom with surprise. He says: “Hmmm, ah guess ah’ve been doin’ too much cleanin’ at that.”

FIGHT!

Yosemite Sam draws his two pistols and begins blasting away at the sheriff. Quick Draw turns and runs down the street, bullets whizzing past him left and right. Finally he drops behind a watering trough for cover, and draws a pistol from his no longer empty holster.

Quick Draw looks at the camera: “We do the impossible immediately, it saves time.”

Then, he points his gun up the street and begins firing back at Sam. Sam jumps in surprise, and runs over get behind another watering trough.

Sam bounces up from behind the watering trough and fires three rounds from each of his guns at the sheriff, and then he bounces down out of sight.

Then, he bounces out from behind a cactus that was growing incongruously in town, fires three rounds from each gun, and bounces back behind the cactus and out of sight.

Then, he bounces out from behind a spindly hitching post and fires more rounds before bouncing back out of sight.

Quick Draw: “Sometimes there’s a lot to be said for not doin’ the impossible.”

Then, he jumps up, races across the street through a hail of bullets, and into the saloon. The swinging doors bounce with his passing.

Yosemite Sam races up to the doors of the saloon and stops. Then, he lifts his two guns, and struts in under the swinging doors, his hat not even touching the bottoms of them. The piano music and sounds of talking that had filled the saloon suddenly go quiet.

Off to Sam’s left, Mickey Mouse, dressed in a cowboy hat, vest and chaps looks to his left. So does everyone else in the place. Seated at a table is Pepe le Pew in a cowboy hat, kissing the hand of a cat in a saloon-girl dress. There’s a puff of smoke, and the cat’s gone, leaving the skunk making kissing noises over his empty hand.

Pepe looks at Sam: “Surely you don’t mean moi! I ahm not ‘no-good.’ Like zee little girl with zee curl, when I ahm good I ahm ver-ee good, and when I ahm bad, I ahm bet-air!”

He waggles his eyebrows.

Suddenly a shot rings out, and a hole appears in Pepe’s hat. It slowly deflates.

Pepe lets out a small, frightened squeak, "Eep."

Sam fires two shots into the ceiling and yells: “Ah’m giving y’all just two seconds to make yourselfs scarce!”

He fires two more shots into the ceiling, and there’s a stampede as all of the saloon patrons run for the doors.

Through the dust of the stampede can be seen Minnie Mouse in a saloon-girl dress, Popeye, Huckleberry Hound in a ten-gallon hat, Betty Boop in tight but stylish cowgirl outfit, Roger Rabbit, and a very nervous looking Sheriff Woody trying to cover his badge with his hand.

When the dust begins to settle, Sam staggers to his feet and says: “Ah feel like a horny toad what’s been run over by a Pony Express rider.”

Suddenly, Sam spots Quick Draw trying to sidle past his left side.

Sam draws his pistols and places them against the sheriff’s stomach. “You ain’t goin’ no-where sher’ff! Now, we’re gonna have a little fun!”

He points one pistol down and fires a bullet towards the ground at Quick Draw’s feet. He yells, “Dance!”

Suddenly, the piano begins playing, and Quick Draw begins tap dancing. He dances left and right, but keeps slowly dancing away from Sam.

Sam: “Say, you’re pretty darn good. Ah can dance too, y’know.”

The music suddenly changes to a Irish jig tune, and Sam begins doing a rather stiff Lord of the Dance routine. He twirls left and right, bounces up and down, and finally stops with his arms up. The music has stopped and the only sound is the sound of crickets chirping. Quick Draw McGraw is nowhere to be seen.

Sam grits his teeth as his face turns bright red. Hot air blasts upwards, lifting his hat, as a train whistle sound is heard.

Sam looks up, and standing on the second floor balcony is Quick Draw McGraw in the guise of El Kabong. El Kabong grabs a rope that is conveniently to his fight, and swings off the balcony, brandishing his kabonger.

He swings over Sam and yells: “KABONG!”

The guitar comes down loudly on Sam’s head, making its dramatically onomatopoeic sound.

El Kabong disappears through the swinging doors, and Sam staggers left and right. He grits his teeth and growls his frustration, and then draws his guns and runs out the door.

As El Kabong runs up the street, Sam fires uncounted rounds at him, the bullets whizzing past him on all sides. Suddenly the masked avenger turns and runs into the stables, the doors closing behind him.

Yosemite Sam runs up to the door and opens it. There’s a yell of “KABONG!” followed by the flash of a guitar curving through the air, and the sound of a four-string connecting with Sam’s head.

Sam staggers around again, as the stable doors open and a large horse thunders out with El Kabong in the saddle. It disappears down the street.

Sam yells his frustration, and runs into the stables.

There’s the sound of a horse nickering loudly, and out thunders a very small horse with Yosemite Sam on its back. The little horses body seems to only move forward as the legs whirl is circles beneath it, churning up a cloud of dust as Sam rides off in pursuit.

Over hill and over dale, the two men ride. They flash along the road past cacti and rocks, leaving a startled roadrunner and coyote along the side of the road. The coyote looks down and realizes that the stunned roadrunner is lying in his hands. He licks his chops at him.

Further along the path, Sam shouts, “Whoa!”

The little horse pulls up with a like tires screeching. Sam mutters under his breath, “fuzzin, ruzzin, buzzin...”

He steps over to a small wooden outhouse with a half-moon on the door. He pulls out a coin purse, opens it, and fishes out a dime. He puts the dime in the handle of the door, turns it and swings the door open.

There’s a yell of “KABONG!” followed by the flash of a guitar curving through the air, and the sound of a four-string connecting with Sam’s head. A Sam staggers, El Kabong and his horse thunder out of the out outhouse and down the road.

Sam yells, “FUZZIN! RUZZIN! BUZZIN!”

He leaps onto his horse and charges off in pursuit.

As they speed along the road, the road turns and travels parallel to a set of train tracks. El Kabong looks at the train travelling along in the same direction as himself. At the controls of the train is Moe Howard and Curly Joe DeRita, with Larry Fine shoveling coal into the firebox.

On a boxcar behind the locomotive and tender is a garishly-painted box car bearing the words, ‘Dewey, Cheatem & Howe Circus: Featuring the World’s Largest Guitar!’

El Kabong looked at the next car, and there road the largest guitar that he had ever seen. It definitely was the largest in the world! He looks at the camera and says, “Garsh, that gives me an idee-er.”

The two cowboys zoomed along the road, the pursued and the pursuer, until the road dropped into a canyon. Meanwhile, the train rides merrily on a bridge which holds its track level.

Suddenly, when he disappears into some trees, El Kabong reaches under his cape and draws out a whip. He swings the whip, and it stretches impossibly far, up to the giant guitar. The whip contracts and pulls El Kabong up to the speeding train car.

When he comes out from the trees, Yosemite Sam is surprised to see that his quarry is no longer on the horse in front him.

He yells, “Now where did that flat-footed galoot go anyway?”

Sam hears a voice yell, and he looks up. Falling from the sky is a monstrous guitar, with El Kabong clinging to its neck with both hands. His cape is flapping behind him, and he’s yelling, “KAAAAAABOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG!”

On the flat prairie, a coyote wiping its mouth with a napkin looks up at the sound of the KABONG.

Under the Golden Gate Bridge, a boat-riding hippo in a jacket and pith helmet looks up at the sound of the KABONG.

In a tree in New England, the chipmunks Chip and Dale looked up at the sound of the KABONG.

In a café in Paris, a man in a stripped shirt with a black beret and black pants looked up from his croissant at the sound of the KABONG.

In space between planets, Marvin Martian stopped his space ship, and looked towards the Earth at the sound of the KABONG.

The sound of the KABONG even echoed in the burning cavern of Hell, as Yosemite Sam shot through a hole in the ceiling, past the stalactites that were indeed hanging tight. He plummeted into a huge cauldron boiling over a large fire, making a loud splash.

“YOWWWWWCH!” yelled Sam as he shots out of the cauldron, making an arch through the air.

Hades, with his blue-burning hair, catches Sam and looks at him like he was studying a bug. He says, “Ah, I’ve been waiting for this one for a long time. Welcome home, buddy-boy!”

Laughing, he stuffs Sam back in the cauldron, laughing gleefully.

KO!

Back in the Old West town, a group of cartoon cowboys and cowgirls lift Quick Draw McGraw on their shoulders, and carry him through the town.

Results

Boomstick: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a gee-deed minute! If both combatants were Toon Force users that means that neither can possibly die, doesn’t it?

Wiz: Well, not really. In point of fact, the entire raison d'être for the Toon Force...

Boomstick: Raisin de-what?

Wiz: OK, the reason that the Toon Force exists is to stretch reality for comedic purposes, but just at the user’s whim. This means that a Toon Force user can be killed if it is done in a particularly funny manner, with particularly funny results. A number of cartoon characters were killed on camera, including Yosemite Sam himself. In the 1963 short, Devil’s Feud Cake, he is spectacularly killed no less than three times, each time finding himself in the underworld, facing a devil.

Boomstick: OK. So? I mean, Sam was a real expert with shootin’ arns, while Quick Draw was never that much of a gunslinger.

Wiz: True. But, in a Toon Force battle, firearms are never funny enough to pull off a real victory. In spite of all his weapons, Yosemite Sam was never able to do anything more than comical harm to an opponent.

Boomstick: Yeah, remember when he fired a shotgun into Daffy Duck’s face, and the only result was that Daffy had to turn his bill back around.

Wiz: Exactly! Sam’s firearms did not give him a real advantage, whereas Quick Draw had a wider range of comedic weapons to draw on, including his Kabonger, which allowed him to launch all sorts of comedic attacks on Sam, and eventually “kill” Sam in a particularly strange and comedic manner.

Boomstick: So, the winner is that horse that walks like a man, Quick Draw McGraw!