The Secret Diary

A diary written in German unravels a mystery that changes a woman's life.

Amanda Kantor was born in 1978, and raised on a farm in Washington State, 200 miles south of Seattle. Amanda's mother Nancy was of German extraction, while her father Kevin was pure-bred Irish and proud of it. The 50-acre farm grew Christmas trees. Amanda would get up early to do chores around the farm, then eat a breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, and pancakes, all before catching the school bus.

The Kantors were Protestant, but not avid church-goers. They went to church only on Christmas, and on Mother's Day, to please Grandma Kantor. The main holiday of the year was St. Patrick's Day, which was feted with a dinner of corned beef and cabbage and lots of Guinness beer. Grandma Doris Bowden, on Amanda's mother's side, was an adamant atheist. She used to tell her children that God wasn't real, but was just a myth concocted by weak people. When her daughter Nancy opted to go to the Methodist Sunday school, Doris would take the other children out to breakfast and bid them afterwards to gloat to Nancy about what she had missed, thus to lure her away from the blandishments of religion.

Amanda's life on the farm was wholesome and simple, until one day in 1996, during her senior year of high school. Amanda decided to do her capstone project on her family history. She started by researching her father's side of the family. This was easy, as Grandma Kantor, who had emigrated from Ireland, knew everything about the family and was glad to talk about it.

"This was my mother's," she said. "This is all I have."

Her mother's side of the family posed greater challenges. Grandma Doris's mother, Anna Hilder, who had emigrated from Germany in 1939, lived to a ripe old age, but she spent the last two decades of her life suffering from dementia. As a child, Amanda would visit Great Grandma Anna. Most of the time, Anna spoke German. When she did speak English, she repeated the same questions over and over again: "Where are my parents? What happened to my little brother Ezra? Where are my sisters? Where is Ezra?"

For her project, Amanda attempted to interview Grandma Doris. She wasn't very helpful, but she handed Amanda a red, leather-bound diary. "This was my mother's," she said. "This is all I have."

The diary was in German, written in the scrawl of a young adolescent. Amanda was disappointed. What good to her was a diary in German? She approached a classmate who was studying fourth-year German, and the girl agreed to translate the diary.

A month later, the job was done. The girl returned the diary to Amanda, accompanied by a list of words. The girl explained that she couldn't find a translation for those words, even in the best German dictionary. Even her German teacher did not know their meanings. She also said that the diary had several peculiarities. For example, the author had written about big preparations for "the holidays," but that entry was dated September, not December. In another place, she wrote about celebrating "the holiday," and followed it with the strange sentence, "Gretchen had Easter this weekend." Why, wondered the translator, did only Gretchen have Easter?

The classmate handed her translation to Amanda with the words, "I think your great-grandmother may have been Jewish."

Amanda sat down at her computer and did an internet search for the untranslatable words. It turned out that they were not German at all, but Yiddish.

FOLLOWING THE ARROW

In the throes of the end of her senior year, Amanda had no time to reflect on this surprising revelation. She submitted her project, mentioning briefly that her maternal great-grandmother may have been Jewish.

After graduation, she had more time to reflect. One day she took a walk in the forest, sat down on a tree stump, and gazed at the diary in her hands. "What does this really mean to me?" Amanda wondered. During her teenage years, she had felt an impetus toward religion. She had attended a couple churches, a Mormon temple, and a Baha'i temple. Of course, she had never even considered Judaism. She didn't know a single Jew. She looked at the diary and thought, "Perhaps this is an arrow to point me in the right direction. I'm 18. I can try this out."

Where to start? Amanda knew that Jews pray in synagogues. Perhaps there was one in Olympia, 50 miles away. Online she discovered that Olympia had exactly one synagogue. The next Saturday, Amanda was there. It turned out that the rabbi was a lesbian; she and her partner were celebrating their anniversary. "They kissed on stage," Amanda recalls. "It just wasn't for me."

Instead, Amanda decided to learn about Judaism through books. Through her local library, she ordered a plethora of Jewish books from Seattle on interlibrary loans. She discovered that Judaism is transmitted through matrilineal descent. She figured she wouldn't have to become a Jew; she probably already was a Jew. The first concrete action she undertook to celebrate her recently-discovered Judaism was to stop eating pork. Grandma Kantor soon noticed that Amanda wasn't eating bacon for breakfast any more. When she asked her why, Amanda replied, "I'm just trying something new."

For two years after completing her family history project, Amanda held onto the diary. Finally one day she visited Grandma Doris, diary in hand, and asked her, "What does this mean? Does this mean that Grandma Hilder was Jewish?"

Doris got defensive. She retorted angrily, "I don't know why you needed to look up all that information anyway." Then she snatched the diary from Amanda's hand and yelled, "If this is what you're going to do with this information, you don't need this."

It was too late. The diary's past became Amanda's future.

Four years later, Doris, suffering from Alzheimer's, was moved to a nursing home. Amanda and her family searched Doris's house, but the diary was nowhere to be found. Apparently she had destroyed it.

It was too late. The diary's past became Amanda's future. Over the next few years, during and after college in Seattle, Amanda took classes with a rabbi and gradually became observant.

THE PAST REVEALED

In 2002, Amanda did an internet search for "Jewish family heritage" companies. She hired the first company listed. She sent them the scant information she had: Her great-grandmother Anna Hilder had come to the United States from Munich, Germany in 1939 with her husband George Hilder.

Six months and $900 later, Amanda got her answers. Anna's maiden name was Talen. Anna was the oldest of six siblings. Anna's father had an influential post with the German government until Hitler came to power in 1933. At that point, Anna's father married his beloved daughter Anna to a well-connected Christian neighbor, hoping that, as doom descended on the Jews of Germany, Anna would be saved.

The Nuremberg Laws of 1935, however, must have dashed Mr. Talen's hopes. The Nuremberg Laws forbid Germans from marrying Jews. Germans already married to Jews must divorce them or share their fate. Apparently George Hilder decided instead to take his wife and flee to the safety of America. Among the email attachments in Amanda's mailbox was a photocopy of Anna's parents' ketubah [marriage contract], meticulously preserved in the records of German Jewry.

According to an interview with an elderly German who knew the family, the entire Talen family was rounded up and deported. None of them ever came back. The interviewee listed the names of Anna Talen's siblings. The youngest was Ezra.

The evidence from Germany was sufficient to convince a Beit Din [Jewish court] that Amanda Kantor was Jewish.

Today Amanda and her husband, an Orthodox rabbi, live in Jerusalem with their infant daughter.

The tree stump looked dead -- entirely severed. But apparently the roots were still alive, because a single, new shoot has sprouted from the moribund trunk. It has only a few leaves, but it is growing strong, and some day that shoot will become a mighty tree.

Coming to Israel? The Riglers invite you to their home for "An Enchanted Evening in the Old City," with a Broadway-style musical show. For more information, click here.

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About the Author

Sara Yoheved Rigler is the author of Heavenprints, as well as the bestsellers: God Winked: Tales and Lessons from my Spiritual Adventures, Holy Woman, Lights from Jerusalem, and Battle Plans: How to Fight the Yetzer Hara (with Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller). She is a popular international lecturer on subjects of Jewish spirituality. She has given lectures and workshops in Israel, England, Switzerland, South Africa, Mexico, Chile, Canada, and over thirty American cities. A graduate of Brandeis University, after fifteen years of practicing and teaching meditation and Eastern philosophy, she discovered "the world's most hidden religion: Torah Judaism." Since 1985, she has been living as a Torah-observant Jew in the Old City of Jerusalem with her husband and two children. She presents a highly-acclaimed Marriage Workshop for women [seewww.kesherwife.com] as well as a Gratitude Workshop. To invite her to your community, please write to info@sararigler.com.

What a wonderful happy ending.The uttering of the Great grandmother with dementia in this story turned out to be an oracle, in a sense. I relate to the responses here from the readers too, of people feeling a very strong connection with the Jewish people and feeling perplexed, doing family search. I would like to send my best wishes to them.

(30)
Melanie,
January 18, 2012 9:24 AM

Wonderful

I am also doing family research, as I feel a strong connection to Judaism. I have already found out that I may be a descendant of Bnei Anousim (jews converted to Christianity during the spanish inquisition) and there are several other indications that I may have jewish roots. I hope I'll find clear evidence soon.
I very much like the last few sentences of this article!! Let our jewish souls grow!! :)

(29)
Ariel Ephraim,
January 12, 2012 4:48 PM

Anoter case of the Jewish Miracle

Amanda's story resonates well with my story and that of many other thousands of people in Latin America with Crypto-Jewish ancestry.
Miraculously, five hundred years of secrecy and oblivion have not been able to destroy "the diary" we found one day well kept within us.
We may not be able to provide the Beit Din a physical prove of who we are; but just as in the case of Amanda, the Light of the Jewish soul will prevail.

(28)
Dakota,
January 12, 2012 6:17 AM

This story was very touching and inspirational. Thanks for sharing it.

(27)
Lois,
January 11, 2012 2:09 AM

What a story!

I read this story with great interest and much emotion. I am so happy that Amanda's life worked out the way it did for her. It is a very heartwarming story.

(26)
Bill,
January 10, 2012 10:47 PM

Such a strong and warming Spirit !

Thank you so much for sharing, it is warming to my spirit and motivating to my own family research. Maybe some day soon I too can be home and my spirit will be more calm until then. Thank you and Shalom.

(25)
Anonymous,
January 9, 2012 3:19 PM

beautiful

very inspiring article. May Hashem bless Amanda and her family with much happiness and continue to guide her thru a beautiful and fulfilling life.

(24)
L.S.,
January 9, 2012 2:04 PM

Beautiful story!

This is a truly beautiful, inspirational, and heartwarming story, Thank you so much for publishing this! Amanda--may you and your husband and child live to see only nachas and simcha in your life!

(23)
Shushannah,
January 8, 2012 11:33 PM

Returning Home

I am also a convert who when I did my family tree found that we were Jewish during the time of the inquisition, and only now has someone come back.

(22)
Leah,
January 8, 2012 10:33 PM

I can relate

I too found a hidden Jewish heritage and find myself connecting with people all the time who are discovering a past they never knew about. Now is the time, an awakening of the Jewish soul to be gathered back to Israel. I studied under a Rabbi, went before a Beit Din and immersed in a Mikveh. Now I am fully connected to my past. I encourage anyone who has a "sense" they may have links to the Jewish people to pursue it.

(21)
shimon,
January 8, 2012 6:02 PM

nistarot hen darkei hashem.

as always hashem works in mysterious ways to assure
jewish continuity .it is done on a the privet level and on the level of the whole nation of israel.
yishar koach on the story.

(20)
Melanie Vliet,
January 8, 2012 4:52 PM

Fascinating!

Amanda's commitment to learning the truth of her ancestry, and her success in doing so and response to it, are praiseworthy and heartwarming.

(19)
Tenton Nelson Horton,
October 27, 2009 10:55 PM

Wonderful story !!

This is a wonderful story. I am very glad that Amanda found her family roots...and decided to carry on their traditions.

(18)
Salman Braimah,
July 30, 2008 11:58 PM

A very touching story.The author must have been led inexorably to her divine right to the Jewish heritage.

(17)
Goldie Klein,
June 18, 2008 6:11 PM

I was so touched by this beautiful story of a Jewish Neshoma searching for her roots.Boruch Hashem that she was fortunate to find them.

(16)
elisheva,
June 12, 2008 2:33 PM

touched by this story

Shalom Sara:I really identified w this story. My situation is similar. I always felt out of step w everyone around me. all i knew was that i had a jewish last name and that my grandmother was interested in shabbat. but when she died, nobody in my family ever was interested in anything religious. Nontheless, it bothered me to never fit it and to feel something GREAT was missing in my life. I loved my grandmothere so i started searching the TORAH to see what she found so interesting in it. Little by little i found my way to israel and the museum of the diaspora in tel aviv and found all the family names there. even that my maternal greatgrandmother's name GORIN can be traced to the KOHEN GADOL AARON, Moshe's brother. Now that explains, my constant need for spiritual connection that kept me appart from other people.

(15)
leah,
June 12, 2008 1:44 PM

how beautiful!

I am truly amazed at Hashem for His timing! Wow, the years that went by and all of the circumstances for Amanda to return. Also, what is amazing is she has become the wife of a rabbi. Thank you for an inspriring story from a special member of klal Yisroel.

(14)
Gayla,
June 12, 2008 2:09 AM

Wonderful and inspiring

How wonderful that Amanda had the foresight to search for her roots at such a young age. What a tragedy if she'd never been given the diary. I have maternal Jewish ancestors but all those that knew them personally are now gone ... and so much lost with them. Thank G-d that Amanda didn't share this fate.

(13)
Ester,
June 11, 2008 11:00 PM

What a story

So beautiful, I'm speechless.
I just can't help thinking, who knows how many Amandas were turned away forever from Torah by people like this lesbian "rabbi", thinking that this is what Judaism has to offer. It's so important to get the truth out to as many people as possible via stories and articles like these on Aish.

(12)
Hadar,
June 10, 2008 10:01 PM

This story is incredible. It's amazing how Hashem leads His children back to the right path.
Thank you.

(11)
Machelle,
June 10, 2008 8:51 AM

This is a wonderful story of discovery. I am adopted and wish that I coud find my roots, yet I know in my heart that those roots are somehow intertwined in Judiasm.

(10)
Anonymous,
June 9, 2008 2:40 PM

Wow! what a wonderful Story. thank.U.

Wow! what a wonderful Story. thank.U.

(9)
mina tamuno-williams,
June 9, 2008 7:28 AM

A thought-provoking piece.The same God that led you on the path of self-discovery will keep you and yours in peace.Remain blessed.

(8)
Vierka,
June 8, 2008 6:23 PM

Uplifting

I read this erez Shavous & it sent shills down my spine. What an inspiration to try and spend the next 12 hours learning in the merit of those who lost their lives just for being jews!

(7)
Anonymous,
June 8, 2008 2:48 PM

The Secret Diary

I found very impressive this history.It looks like the Divine Providence, once again, shows its design for us here on earth. After so many difficulties and osbtacles, the heroine finally awakened for her so beautiful heritage and found her place at the heart of Judaism. Beautiful. Shalom!

(6)
Rivkah,
June 8, 2008 12:24 PM

I am writing through my tears. What a wonderful story about how this Jewish girl was brought back to her faith. I lament that today many Jews who know they are Jews chose to give up their faith and intermarry. Those that don''''t intermarry simply don''''t follow their faith. It is heart breaking. Millions of Jews are throwing away their heritage to live a meaningless secular life. Baruch Hashem that this line has been rerooted. May Amanda be zocheh to raise many Torah observant Jews.

(5)
Eileen,
June 8, 2008 10:28 AM

I loved the story...being Irish, it was even more interesting.....Thank you for sharing this wonderful and heartfelt story.

(4)
ruth housman,
June 8, 2008 5:25 AM

a powerful story

This is a powerful story. So beautiful it brought me to tears. The last few lines, this metaphor, is so true of life. We learn from the garden. It seems our lives circle and connects that seem so impossible, so often happen.

Thank you.

(3)
Joseph A. Cleary,
June 8, 2008 12:02 AM

Your story made me cry, as it touched my soul every level.

I loved the story, I believe it absolutely, Truth.
Please that you and yours should have a good week adn a good Shavuot.
Shalom, Shalom, Yosef

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...