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BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Dang, Son!

A few years ago, my fellow blogger Ed Hill wrote some theory he had about reality TV. It was something called the “golden corridor” or the “golden stretch” or something like that. Basically, his theory was that certain reality shows peak midway through a season. In the beginning, the shows are awkward, finding their footing. In the middle, the scheming reaches a fever pitch. And by the end, the colorful villains are mostly weeded out, and there’s a rote quality to the order of eliminations. Big Brother has more or less followed these rules for the last few season, with the final six or five being a rather predictable sequence of events.

Last night, however, proved otherwise.

With a “quack pack” final four consisting of Shane, Dan, Danielle, and Ian in place, one might think we were down to the mundane business of watching these former allies square off with polite understanding. Not so much.

Dan, you see, was not about to put himself in harm’s way. When he wound up on the block, he feared that Shane might send him packing. After all, Shane and Dan had no final two agreement, and Dan wasn’t willing to risk a blindside. Thus, Dan told veto-winner (and HOH lady) Danielle to take him off the block as part of some silly scheme to fool Shane into thinking who knows what. The details are insignificant. Danielle gladly followed her orders, even going as far as warning Shane about her intentions — all the while assuming that Dan would be voting out Ian. Why Shane and Danielle were fine with this move is beyond me. After all, Danielle had just informed Shane that Dan wanted to vote him out during last week’s live eviction. Why would either one of them think this was a wise move?

Oh that’s right: they’re IDIOTS.

Sure enough, Dan double-crossed his student and sent Shane packing, leaving Danielle with a mouth gaping so wide, you could have steered an aircraft carrier into it. Shane, who had previously been all smiles and full of fake surprise, was positively shell-shocked. He brushed Dan away and sped his sweaty armpits out of the house, finding himself facing Julie with tears in his eyes (not to mention hair).

As for Danielle, she and Dan had their umpteenth confrontation in the arcade room where she yelled at him for betraying her trust, and he talked her down from the ledge. He’ll probably wind up on her good side again, but if she thinks he’ll sit back demurely in a final two situation and not drag her name through the mud, she’s sadly mistaken… which is about on par for her normal outlook.

Quite frankly, I haven’t seen a Big Brother season continue to be so exciting this late in the game in years. It brings to mind BB5’s Drew and his choice between Cowboy and Diane. Then there was also Janelle fighting for her life on season six… Janelle fighting for her life again on season seven… and Jordan vanquishing Natalie on season eleven.

As for a final three, we certainly have a doozy. There’s lovable Ian, who has earned his stripes this season and then some. There’s Danielle, who’s been something of a puppet, but also strong on the social front, which makes her a serious contender. And there’s Dan, who’s been both villainous and magnificent. I have to say his prowess as a player on season ten seemed a bit overstated to me, but this go around, he’s really been on par with Dr. Will. He plays dirty, but I can’t deny that I’ve been enjoying every second of it.

“I still can’t tell if my dream board is being sarcastic when it tells me ‘congrats.'”

“For my next dream board, I’m going to hope that I learn how to draw beyond a second grade level.”

“I’m trying to manifest my perfect man: he’d be strong… and mysterious… and have a deep voice… and be able to kind of fly… and maybe have a cape… and dress up like a bat… and save Gotham city a lot… and have a friend named Robin… but Robin wouldn’t actually be a robin… I like robins… I wonder if I could be a robin…”

“I literally can’t believe I’m here in this house. Like, literally, if I have to spend another minute here, I am going to friggin’ pour gasoline over my face and set my friggin’ face on fire until I die.”

Britney: “If I have to friggin’ watch Ashley play with the tissue paper in that bag for any longer, I am going to literally put that friggin’ bag over my friggin’ head, get into a friggin’ car, and drive until I soar off a friggin’ cliff and die.”

“Ashely, you’re funny!!! Hahahaaa!! NOW WHERE’S MY HAIR DRYER?”

“Britney, I resent that you have my hairstyle now. In fact, I’m so mad, I might just throw this dainty cup of oolong tea at the wall.”

“Frank, I will not have this conversation with you, especially while Ashley is sitting here with no pants on.”Ashley: “I’m waiting for the dream board to manifest them for me.”

Britney: “Do you people see Joe’s face? He still has the soul patch. I mean, it looks like drool that fossilized on his chin!”

“Man, why did I think it would be a good idea to make a plate of turds?”

“Who’s ready to manipulate me???”

Danielle: “I’ll just take Dan off the block, put you in his place, and we’ll be sitting pretty. He promised he’d keep you safe. And Dan has never broken his promises to me!”“Yeah, he’s super trustworthy!”

“Wow! I never expected this! (WINK WINK) Hahaha. I’m so ‘mad’ right now. What a ‘surprise!’ I hope I don’t go home! Hahaha.”

Shane: “Dan and Danielle, or as I like to call you, ‘Danielle’ — get it? Because I mashed up Dan and Danielle? Anyway, I really enjoyed playing with you guys this summer. I could give a whole speech, but what’s the point. I’m CLEARLY safe!”

Ian: “I’m just going to collapse into myself. Don’t mind me.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR MAKEUP ANYMORE???”

“AND DAN VOTED OUT SHANE?? NEXT YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT LISA WHELCHEL IS ON SURVIVOR!”

“Dan, why do you keep lying to me? Why are you doing this to me? You KNOW that I’m very dumb.”

“I didn’t lie to you. I just told you the truth in a way that sounded like a lie.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhh… okay.”

“Um… I was told there’d be ice cream out here, so….”

“Playa you got PLAYED!”

C://run{sassbot.exe(“You did what?”)}

“Wait, I got evicted? I thought I was out here to open Pandora’s Box!!!”

“I just passed gas.”

“I don’t know if I can ever trust Dan again. And how did Julie write that tweet so quickly?”

What did you think about the big blindside? Who will win? Who do you want to win?

It doesn’t matter if Dan wins HOH or not, if he goes to the final two he’ll lose. Frank, Ashley, Shane, and probably Joe will never vote for him. Not because of the way he played the game but because of the way he played them. It never fails every single season there is always a group of players that forget this is a GAME and everyone is there to WIN. It’s NOT how to make new best, most loyal, friends. Geesh. Dan has played everybody, he has now achieved Dr. Will status. Even if he looses.

ps: Don’t know why Shane is so p.o’d.? He couldn’t stand Danielle until he started seeing $$$ signs in her future. The only one who didn’t know he was playing her was…well her. Dan played the player.
Dani need not worry…IF she wins Shane will still be around to help her spend her winnings.
You’d think someone as pretty as she is would have higher self-esteem, and a little better sense. Then again those pretty boys fool us all one time or another.

This was the best photocap by far. I was laughing so hard, i was crying, plus I was “trying” to laugh quietly while at work, and everyone thought i was ill, because i was hysterical laughing.. … 😉 this was great.. This season… SO MUCH better because Dan was on it.. DAN for the WIN!!

“When I blow bubbles, it makes me think of all the bubbles I’ve blown!”

I think Dan will pull it off! At some point, Britney will convince the idiots…. errrr… I mean jury members that Dan played a great game… and they will see that they got beat straight up. Either that, or Dan will just talk them into it by telling them that they might get to come back into the game if they vote for him…

L. O. L. ! My favorite is Ashley saying “I love dream boards, especially when I write them in jive.”!! And really… how did Julie write that tweet so quickly? And Joe’s soul patch really does look like drool that fossilized on his chin! …All Comedy Gold!!

Tears streaming for the Dani comment about her makeup. I cannot believe how easily she has fallen for all this. I truly hope the jury votes based on the best game played – and that was Dan. He manipulated that whole house.