A Therapist Tries Stand-Up

I’m sensing that you’re not being honest here. How are you really doing tonight? Again, I can’t hear you, but I’m guessing that, deep down, you truly want to be heard.

So, I just moved to Los Angeles from New York, and I’ve noticed people here really care about seeming healthy. I didn’t say being healthy; I said seeming healthy! It’s like, hello, you don’t get antioxidants from people seeing you take shots of wheatgrass!

It’s pretty quiet in here. Is this thing on? You know, maybe it’s quiet in here because each of you is afraid of being the first person to laugh. And this is due to a deeper, more dangerous fear of confrontation, and your mistaken belief that confrontation can only function as a negative experience.

Perhaps the question of “this thing” being on is actually irrelevant, and the larger issue at play for each of you is the terror of being socially excluded.

Speaking of being socially excluded, how crazy are lines for night clubs these days? It’s like, the line should be it’s own night club! It’d be called The Line, you’d wait for three hours, then you’d go home! Save yourself some money!

You know, I’m comfortable with this silence. You all just let me know when you’re ready to laugh. I’m here.

This guy knows what I’m talking about, am I right? Is this your wife, sir? How is your relationship going? I can sense that you’re feeling uncomfortable right now. Does attention bother you? Did your parents give you attention growing up? Not going to answer me? Interesting lack of response. I think this might be something to revisit at a later time.

Speaking of revisits, you know what I just discovered? Yelp. If you have Yelp, you can—

Please stop heckling me, sir. I don’t come to where you work and heckle you.

At the same time, I understand that this isn’t about me and you; you’re channelling a plethora of frustrations as you drunkenly shout expletives at me. I take back my request. Please continue to heckle. It’s O.K., it’s O.K.

Yes, that’s right—let those tears out. It’s O.K.

Anyway, where was I? Wheatgrass, clubs, Yelp—oh right, dating. So I’m just getting out of a long-term relationship, and man, dating has gotten weird! There are, like, dozens of dating apps now! You know what we need? An app for people who don’t want apps!

I do want to take this opportunity to point out that you all have chosen to sit here in the dark. I would like to suggest that you’re all here because you want to laugh. Is it too much to assume that, perhaps, in your not laughing at me, you’re admitting to yourself that you do not believe you deserve to laugh?

Yes, that’s it—am I correct in that you all believe you don’t deserve to experience, for example, the simple pleasure of being amused by juxtapositions between the behaviors of disparate cultures or races or inhabitants of cities?

Would a one-liner with an unexpected, yet satisfying, turn of phrase not satisfy you because you’re afraid of being satisfied?

Is it possible that that a well-timed callback to an earlier observation of an absurdity of modern life that we’ve all experienced but never totally articulated to ourselves doesn’t matter to you because you’ve been told, time and time again, that you don’t matter?

I know we haven’t been working together for very long, but I’m here to tell you that you deserve to laugh. You deserve to be satisfied. You matter.

In fact, you’ve been a great audience. Think about that: a great audience. I’m getting the light—looks like our time is up.

Photograph by Chris Scredon.

Ethan Kuperberg is a ﬁlmmaker and a writer for Amazon’s series “Transparent.”