15 Things Guys Think About Kate Middleton

She's a princess, right?

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1. She married a prince. Kate Middleton lives in a world that is basically Game of Thrones with iPads where royalty has to marry each other. So she got stuck with one of the English princes. I'm going with William because he's the only one whose name I can remember off the top of my head. I'm pretty sure the other one is Harry. I don't know who is going to become the next king though. They're both kind of doofy looking. Even though they haven't really done anything worthwhile in years, everyone still loves them. The royal family is the international John Cusack.

2. She gave birth and it was the single biggest thing to happen to this planet since the meteor wiped out all the dinosaurs. People were going nuts when she was pregnant, because apparently this kid is going to be king of the babies. He was born and people lost their minds like it was the first time a human ever fell out of a lady.

3. I think when she got a haircut, people freaked out. Kate Middleton's hair is "The Rachel" of 2014. I'm honestly not entirely certain what that sentence means, but I'm confident that I could say it at a fancy dinner party and get people to nod considerately.

4. She dresses nice. I bet she wears gloves all the time. Frivolous gloves are fancy. She doesn't wear the same clothes twice. I'm willing to bet that much.

5. She wears pantsuits? This is a shot in the dark. I just feel like she's an English Hilary Clinton so I'm drawing conclusions.

6. Her hats are nuts. I have intentionally looked at two pictures of Kate Middleton in my entire life. She was wearing a hat in one of them. This leads me to believe she wears hats 50 percent of the time. They are giant hats that literally eclipse the sun.

7. No one knew who she was before she married Prince William. She came into the royal palace like Prince Ali aka Aladdin, and Prince William was just like, "Yeah, I get it." British tabloids still assert that she used to be a commoner that rubbed a magic lamp.

8. Earrings? She wears them, probably.

9. Kate Middleton has really nice teeth. It's a law that you can't have more than three members of the royal family outside together at once because the sun reflecting off their perfect enamel can blind people.

10. I get her confused with Kate Upton sometimes. I guess this is less something I know about Kate Middleton and more a demonstration of my complete lack of knowledge of celebrities who also don't know who I am either.

11. Her sister is named Pippa. Because her parents hated her, I guess? I think she's her sister. Whoever Pippa is, her parents gave up halfway through writing her name on the birth certificate.

12. The royal wedding was weird. At least, if the South Park episode "Royal Pudding" is anything to go by, it was.

13. Didn't the royal family get mad at her for something? I might be thinking of Taylor Swift and the Kennedys.

14. She's apparently really charming. She's super down-to-earth and real, just like Princess Jasmine, furthering the ties between the royal family and Disney's Aladdin. Or at least, my memories of watching Aladdin on VHS when I was 8. I think I also owned the two direct-to-video sequels, The Return of Jafar and Prince of Thieves. A cursory Google search did not reveal if Kate Middleton has seen all three Aladdin movies.

15. She goes on vacation a lot. The royal family doesn't have real jobs, right? They just go to nice places and ride horses.