how to know it’s time for new jeans

The last time you purchased new jeans was 3 years ago

Since then you have quit smoking and slowly, elegantly if not effortlessly, gained fifteen pounds

and yet you still shove yourself into the old jeans, which definitely no longer fit, creating a cloud of nihilistic self loathing through which you can no longer even feel the INCREDIBLE SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT OF HAVING QUIT SMOKING

no literally you shove yourself into them so much that at the end of the day you don’t so much take them off, as you EMERGE FROM THEM