When I misplace composure and control...

... Yes. I end up punishing myself. However I seem to freeze at barely superficial lacerations and get annoyed with myself.

Is this normal? Am I normal? It's scariest because I feel so calm yet destructive to myself for having thoughts of hurting family/work colleagues. Even the thought of contacting work brings about an episode of urges - and I wonder if I should just pack in that job altogether :unsure:

If work brings on such strong feelings then maybe you need to start considering what is important in your life. Yes a job brings in the money and gives you a sense of purpose, but if it is severely affecting your state of mind the way it is, then is it really worth it? Your state of mind and emotional well being is what's important hun :hug:

You shouldn't punish yourself because of what you're thinking...you can't control your thoughts. Maybe it is a good idea to look for another job if this one is pushing you to your breaking point. It isn't worth getting this stressed and upset over.

Talk about what else triggers these feelings. There must be some repressed feelings from some stressful times in your life that keep mounting up and need confronting, maybe through counselling or therapy. But just talking about how you feel can help.

I also think its pretty normal for anyone to have some thoughts of harming themselves or others at some point. For some it would be a momentary passing thought once in a blue moon. For some it is just a passing thought that they choose not to reflect on, as they realise its just a thought. Others may reflect it and feel bad for doing so. Just for having these thoughts doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it mean you will ever act on them. Its probably a manifestation of thoughts, emotions, stress and depression all colliding at once. But you need to talk about it, with someone, preferably a doctor or therapist.