I'm kind of terrified of Alzheimer's. Both my grandmothers developed it. It took my dad's mom about 10 years after diagnosis earlier this decade, and now I'm experiencing it much more intimately with my mom's mom, who was diagnosed somewhere around the time my other grandmother passed and eventually came to live with us for about two and a half years until breaking her hip earlier this year, and recently is back with us again. She was one of the smartest women I've ever known, absolutely sharp as a tack, but she's in the advanced stages now and there's not much of that part of her left. It's painful as a caregiver to see the deterioration of someone you love, and to see their confusion and fear when they know that something is wrong with them but can no longer understand what.

Right now, in her mind she's (usually) back in high school, and has lost basically her entire adult life except her children. She lights up when she sees me, but hasn't the faintest idea that I'm a grandchild (and is generally truly disturbed by the possibility when an outside caregiver makes the mistake of referring to me as one in front of her). She has no clue that she married her high school sweetheart (she does, when prompted or when she sees an old photo, remember him as her boyfriend, who even now it's obvious that she absolutely adored) or that we buried him almost 20 years ago. She's often shocked when she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror - her brain obviously doesn't realize that she's almost 90 years old, and isn't prepared for snow white hair or deep wrinkles...and she's had white hair for a looooong time - it was pretty much there by the time I was born, and I'm a few months shy of 30.

I know late-onset Alzheimer's doesn't directly run in families, as such, but if there is as hypothesized a genetic component, I'm potentially getting it from both sides. And even if not, I believe I read that by age 85, 50% of all adults show symptoms of Alzheimer's (or is it just dementia in general? I'm not sure on that point). So if I live long enough, there are better-than-even odds that I'll lose this part of my life, and the potential implications of that freak me out. I didn't figure myself out until my mid-20s, didn't start my transition until eleven months ago, and at this point haven't started living full-time yet. I'd like to hope that 50+ years of living as a woman will implant itself pretty firmly, but the possibility that it doesn't is horrifying. Having seen my grandmother's struggles with just the age part firsthand almost daily, it's literally unimaginable to me what going through body dysphoria again, in reverse, as a scared and confused elderly woman who expects to see a teenage boy in the mirror, would be like.

Maybe some of this is a fear that I'm wrong about myself now talking. Most of it is a pretty well-honed fear of the disease in general. If a cure isn't developed by that point, I can say with absolute seriousness that I would rather die than go through it myself.

If you're about 30 now and your family members got it around age 80 scientists have 50 years time ... I think the chances are pretty good that they will have found treatment by then. Wasn't there even something in the news about progress on a vaccination for Alzheimer?

Also seeing themselves as teens ... is that common? I mostly heard of people thinking they are at their job / have to go out to go to their jobs. What did your first grandmother think how old she was? If your memory happens to get stuck between 25 and 30 you might expect to see a male form in the mirror and then you're in for a positive surprise every time.

But it's not at all certain that you would get Alzheimer anyway.

I think the 50% at age 85 is probably all dementia. You, too, will probably forget your keys at home, your purse at the store or leave the water running in the sink several times a month at one point. I really hope the rest will be okay for you and everyone else who didn't get to transition as teens.

My 79-year-old dad has some form of dementia, which my family didn't notice for many years because he's also severely bipolar. It can take a very long time to realize that a person with manic logorrhea (incessant talking, usually about a topic that obsesses him) might be repeating himself because he doesn't remember having already told you something a few times in the same conversation, rather than because he's run out of fresh material but still feels a desperate need to chat with you.

His own father, and his father before him, and my mother's mother, all began experiencing short-term memory loss at around my age. So as I start to exhibit typical perimenopausal absent-mindedness (I'm 49), I can't help worrying that it might be hiding something more serious than just typical perimenopausal absent-mindedness.

So I have some inkling of how scary your situation is, I think.

*Hugs* if you want them.

Also, here's some unsolicited advice that you will either find helpfully good or hilariously bad:

Spoiler:

Personally, I find the following thought optimistic and helpful. Unfortunately, whenever I've shared it with others, they have laughed at me and said it's not a cheerful thought at all, but ridiculously dark and pessimistic.

But whether people find it helpful or just hilarious, it cheers them up a bit either way, right? So I keep sharing it. Anyway:

Almost every time I've invested a lot of high-quality worry into some terrible thing that might happen, I've been blindsided by something else instead.

All that worry, wasted.

So, aside from a few worst-case scenario preparations that I feel it would be irresponsible not to make, I try not to dwell too much on bad things that might happen to me and my loved ones. Since we have limited time in which to be healthy and happy, it's best to use as much of that time as possible enjoying what we have, rather than mourning its loss before it's even gone.

[Edited to say: Or at least that's the logical way to look at it. Obviously, one's emotions are not particularly logic-based, and are going to do what they're going to do.]

I don't know if the teen years thing is common. She was a schoolteacher for a few years after college (and still sort of remembers that, when prompted), but then raised five children and didn't go back to outside employment, so being at work wasn't a big part of her life. She did have a huge emotional connection to her hometown and high school (she was a cheerleader, my grandfather was in the marching band, they were homecoming queen and king, all that jazz), which may be why she retains such strong memories of those times. I don't honestly know where in time my other grandmother ended up - I didn't see her much in her last several years :/

I see my male mental health medication doctor today. I haven't been doing so well at taking my medications though. But honestly: None of them feel like they work. It feels like my body is super resistant to the medications or something. And I'm not expecting them to totally take my symptoms away but I would definitely like less whole body shaking from anxiety, or being constantly reminded of past abuse or being abused right now. However they won't give me Valium or Ativan or whatever because, "You have an addictive personality and you'll totally get addicted!" They banned me from Seroquel already. Goddess do I hate my medications doctor/psychiatrist.

And he misidentifies me constantly going as far as to call me a "he/she" on the phone. He tells me I'll get raped if I do X. Because that's a way to counsel "addiction to bad substances," right? Totally. I don't want to see him because he misidentifies me.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

I quit that doctor today. I need to see my therapist but I don't need psychiatric medications that don't work. I know a better anxiety medication would have an effect on me and he doesn't agree. Anyways, I'm not going back to him unless I have to in order to see my therapist. I was only seeing him for necessary medications and to qualify for money to live. Of course I have a legitimate disability but what I'm saying is that I have to see these people at least once a month to continue receiving money that I need to buy clothes, food and continue living at my household (I have to pay into bills or might get ejected again). I've tried working and it was disastrous. Like the time I tried to be an entrepreneur and conduct my own job. Now that was fun. And I know I'm a bad lady-leech on America because I receive monies for not working a job. Well, I do work a job, but it's not considered a Real Job by most.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

I think I'm skipping family Christmas this year. I don't know if I can deal with my bigoted uncle and not drop the awkward bomb of coming out on the whole house if he says stupid shit about trans people like he did last year. And as entertaining as that would be for me, I worry about how my parents (who tend to care far too much about respectability politics, as straight white people tend to do) would react to it.

You're not obligated to tolerate bigoted relatives that hate you for your transgender status. So if you don't feel like family Christmas then that's totally fine. If it were me I might go anyway just to insult him every time he opened his big bigoted mouth. But that's the aggressive/passive-aggressive way that can land you in trouble so.... anyways: Good luck with Christmas and good luck with your terrible uncle if you ever see him again. :)

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

Trust me, I am far too tempted by the passive aggressive option. Honestly, I'd already be out full time if it weren't for the pesky factor of not having business professional clothes to wear to work, and needing to order those online because I'm near 6'2".

In other news, my endo is ridiculously overbooked, to the point where I still don't have a new appointment after this month's.

Avatar by Twitter user @ForteSP89.

She/her pronouns.

yurell wrote:We need fewer homoeopaths, that way they'll be more potent!

My endocrinologist was an incompetent whom wouldn't write me a proper prior authorization. Over and over I asked him to do that because I wasn't getting the right dose of estrogen and guess what he never did? I have to call a new endocrinologist that takes my insurance now. And I'm like 6'0'' or 6'1''-6'2'' so I know the feelings. My clothes never seem like they fit right, like they're too fragile and then I end up tearing them. Even when I sew them back together they get torn. Sighs. :( Why can't a girl have nice clothes for her tallness?

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

I sympathize with the lack of tall dresses. I really thought that T-shirt dresses were going to be my new fashion thing for a while, a feminine style that would look sufficiently not-weird on me that I could wear them around in public day to day, and while technically I do, basically all the ones I can find just fit me like shirts. It's nice that the cut shapes my figure more how I'd like, but they really don't wear like dresses at all; they can't really cover anything below the waist, because they just don't make them long enough.

Not talking to anybody in specific just talking about my wardrobe choices. My clothes are mostly feminine style pants, elastic-type on the waist for skirts so they don't get torn and sometimes dresses. I can usually find trendy clothes that fit me. But they feel too fragile and rip or get ripped by other people. So I usually end up wearing feminine style pants and a feminine style top. With cute messages on it so I don't have to speak up for myself. And sometimes necklaces, rings, sunglasses, chokers and what have you. And hair clips. I love barrettes and hair clips.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

Somehow I shrank two inches when I went on hormones - either that or I'm just shrinking due to age (I turned 40 a few months back). My feet shrank too, but unfortunately I still have to wear size 12W or 13 women's, and there's not a lot of those, at least outside of specialty shops. Naturally this means I wear the few shoes I do have into the ground...

Strangely, even identifying as female now, I still feel more tomboyish in style than feminine. My biggest complaint is that endomorphs, regardless of whether they have breasts or not, are not flattered by ANYTHING fashionable.

I wish my breasts were bigger. No, my breasts are tiny and might as well not exist. I still wear a bra but I mean why bother? And the hormones don't work to make them any bigger if that's possible. I never gain weight in my breasts. And they won't even give me the right dose of estrogen anyways. So totally yes: I need a more womanly chest and better hormones treatments like right meow. :P

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

So, I went to church this morning, as me (I figured Christmas is about stripping away the old and the birth of the new, so appropriate, and didn't involve waiting for Easter, the other appropriate date of the liturgical calendar, which this year falls on April Fool's, thus inappropriate). I knew ahead of time it'd be fine, since I go to an affirming (and intensely pro-social justice) church, but it was still a bit nervous. That said, everyone was so happy to finally meet the real me. So I'm riding high on warm fuzzies from that.

Avatar by Twitter user @ForteSP89.

She/her pronouns.

yurell wrote:We need fewer homoeopaths, that way they'll be more potent!

Everybody hates my ladylike self. They question my name, say I'm not really a Zoey I must be somebody else and they question my clothing choices and insult the way I take care of my hair. They're never supportive. They're always scornful. And then they leave me because they're way too grossed out by me being a woman. I just want to be a normal ladylike woman--Not a sex toy, not a troublesome daughter redheaded stepchild and not even somebody's girlfriend (Unless they're a gentle and kind woman or man: Like Sansa Stark or Tyrion Lannister). Sigh.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

Ginger, I'm sorry you're having trouble getting others to see you as you'd like to be seen. That's hard. Even if your presentation matches your own notion of what it means to be "ladylike," your own notion may still not match someone else's notion, so they may withhold their validation. And while it would be nice not to care about others' validation, most of us can't really decide not to care about that. We do.

Still, I hope you'll still stick to your own ideals for your personal style and behavior. (I presume that those ideals are realistic and attainable and accepting of the core truths of who you are.) Doing your best to meet your own standards is more likely to bring you happiness than trying to cram yourself into someone else's ideals (which may be inherently unrealistic and unattainable and intolerant of the real you, no matter how hard you try). Hang in there.

I like your advice ObsessoMom. I'm hanging in there barely. I have headaches and back aches all the time. Which is funny considering how much time I spend reclining onto my back you wouldn't think it would feel so twisted! Anyways, I'm trying to serve others because it is my ideal of being ladylike, but they never want my service anyways. Whether I'm smiling or not. I hate my life and pretty much everybody I know unless I'm role-playing treats me like a creepy stalker girl that's going to get their teenage kids. And the people in the park that called the cops on me for stalking their teenage girls started out by offering me food! So they thought I was homeless and hungry and that means I'm now automatically a cray-cray stalker chick? Wow. Thank you my home city's/town's community.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

Dr34m(4+(h3r wrote:Looks like I'm going to be a homeless person in Hawaii for the rest of my life.

I doubt it. Just have faith and your life shall get better. I know being homeless sucks sucks sucks sucks. Anyways if you wanna you can disregard my little bit of Christianity and I hope your life gets better. I hope you can find a way out of being homeless through faith, personal sacrifice, finding a job or whatever.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

CelticNot wrote:Dunno whether I should post this here or in the Woman Thread, but...

I know there's no evidence for developing periods when on female hormones, but I'll be damned if I haven't had an emotional low like clockwork every 4.5 weeks in the last six months. I almost wish I had the physical symptoms to go with it, because then it would catch me less off-guard each time.

Ginger wrote:I um didn't think trans* girls could ever ever have periods? I didn't think that was like possible? I'll read the actual link and see the comments but the title is creeping me out.

For the sake of clarification, we'll never bleed (and I haven't even had the surgery yet), but bleeding isn't the ONLY part of a period - only the most visible. Anything which is strictly hormonal (like mood swings) can still happen. Almost everything I've seen about it so far is strictly anecdotal, so it's debatable whether it's psychosomatic or actually happening, but the difference is academic when you're on the verge of tears for inexplicable reasons.

Ooh-Ooh I see. Well, hormones/estrogen made me cry a lot inexplicably so there's your mood swings for you. I wish I could have an actual period like a normal young woman though. It's so alienating to have entire biological functions pass me by that other girls can do: Having children and periods being two of them. I can only use the genetic materials I no longer even produce reliably to "impregnate a woman." And then those are HER CHILDREN that She Made to Term not mine. </3

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

Transgender woman rant: Last night I was on my little video game making outfits for my role play ladies and giving them back stories. I was on Moon Guard server. I went to flirt in a tavern and some guy was chatting me up. It was all good at first and then second came: "Yet you're a real girl aren't you? You're not just acting like one?" And I said I am a real woman no need to ID me officer. And when he got his feelings hurt I submit, apologized, said it was lovely chatting with him and excused myself to take a shower.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

Homeless tranny women harassment: I went to a warming building for homeless men and women. They all slept in the same room so both men and women harassed me in the same night. Even a little kid.

Injustice one: Some guy strolled up to me and ordered me to respect his home because, "It's all I have." And my purse and clothes and handbag are the only possessions I have too dude.

Injustice two: Some guy smoking with me outside cigs of course was like, "Are you a female? I wasn't looking closely enough to tell." And when I got offended and made some remark about being lectured by an officer he got sheepish and backed off. Like you can't tell I have long hair, breasts, women's clothes and makeups on? C'mon.

Injustice three: It broke my heart. Some little girl said to me, "You look like a girl but talk like a boy!" And I tried to brush it off all shyly by hiding my face slightly and saying softly, "Yes I do yet even hormones can't change my voice now. Too late for that."

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

I checked both shelters in Waikiki which are known to me. One has no availabilities and the other is a woman’s only shelter that wants $400 a month and will probably kick me out as soon as they figure out I have a dick. If I had a month of leeway in which to find a job I could probably afford $400 a month, but I don’t, I have a week (prorated rent until the end of the month would be $130-something). And there’s always the possibility of failing to find the job in time. Anyway, I am probably going to check myself into the mental hospital, even though that doesn’t solve any of my problems (except getting me hormones for a month or two that I don’t have otherwise).

Ha-ha lol women's shelters. They, so abusive and wildly inappropriate re: bodies' parts. And good luck. I would suggest another alternative yet no one wanna hear it so? Anyways: If I ever have extra monies I can send you some more if you wanna? I am not trying to be intimidating. Anyways talk to you later love hearing about your life and feelings and jobs woes. <3

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.