Flying Monkeys and Other Sycophants

So you’ve finally garnered the courage to end the relationship with the Narcissist (or Borderline/Psychopath). Good for you!

But now you are dealing with judgment, snubbing and abandonment from the people you once believed were mutual friends. Some of them have even turned on you and have sided with your Narcissistic ex.

“How can this be?” you ask yourself. You were the nice person. The victim. Many of your mutual friends had witnessed the abuse and had seemed to sympathize with you… at the time. What happened to cause the mass betrayal?

The obvious answer is that the Narcissist caused it. But it likely didn’t happen in the way you believe it did. The relationships that the Narcissist builds with his Flying Monkeys are every bit as calculated, manipulated and managed as the relationship he had with you. By design, his/her sycophants were going to turn on you whether you were discarded or escaped. This was inevitable. And here is why and how it happened.

You have been isolated from your true supporters

From the beginning of your relationship, the Narcissist, like the Predator she is, was able to sniff out your true friends and also find out by testing boundaries, which of your friends weren’t loyal to you. The loyal friends were squeezed out. The Narcissist accomplished this by manufacturing slights, complaining about said slights ad nauseam, and then triangulating the relationship by forming a wedge between you and your “true” friend.

And even if she was unable to form a wedge, she was able to make the relationship so strained and stressful for you to continue, that you voluntarily allow that relationship to fade away, making the choice to end the relationship yours and not the Narcissist’s.

So the only remaining friendships are with the people that the Narcissist feels she can manipulate and control.

Your reputation has been smeared for longer than you think

So you expected that the Narcissist would wail and throw himself pity parties after you left. He definitely did that. But what you likely didn’t expect was that the Narcissist has been painting himself as your victim since early on in the relationship. It’s projection. The Narcissist knows he is hypocritical and he doesn’t care. Accuse others of what you are doing is his mantra.

As an example, after I had left my Narcissist ex, a mutual acquaintance had snarked about how I was always late to appointments. As this was not the case, I asked why she thought this, and she explained that my Narcissist ex told her.

In reality, my Narcissist ex bragged about intentionally being late as a power play. Countless times I would be ready and waiting FOR HIM to get ready, as he tried on multiple outfits, couldn’t find his keys, couldn’t get his hair to behave. If I reminded him that we were going to be late, he would scream at me for “nagging”. So over time, I just learned to accept that we would arrive late. I had no idea that our chronic tardiness was being blamed on me.

So people came to believe that I was disorganized and couldn’t manage my time. I can only imagine what other flaws I possess that I had no awareness of.

Buzzards of a Feather

I remember thinking, early in the relationship with the Narcissist, that all of his friends are jerks. How is it that such a “nice guy” has almost exclusively friends who are creepy, cruel, unethical liars?

I actually laughed out loud as I wrote that last sentence. It’s so obvious now. Narcissists admire and respect other Narcissists. They can’t live with them, but they like hanging out with them, chuckling over how they screw over nice, naïve people, tripping people as they walk by, putting bleach in the shampoo bottles (and whatever mean things Narcissists think are hilarious). They enjoy being mean and they need to associate with other mean people who won’t judge them for being mean.

Transversely, the Narcissist needs (much more so than he needs other Narcissists), a good Co-Dependent to keep him propped up, above board, and to facilitate some semblance of normalcy. But he has no respect for the person he uses as a prop. Nor do his Narcissist friends.

So you shouldn’t be surprised when these jerks aren’t feeling sorry for you once you escape the Narcissist. In fact, they’re all worried that their Co-Dependent props might take notice and do the same. By escaping your abuser you become a threat to their collective fragile egos.

You had the Power all along, my Dear

As you awake from your slumber in Oz, you begin to realize that nothing in the Narcissist’s world was real, including his Flying Monkeys.

Let go of those “friendships” and seek out healthy people instead. If you can afford it, find a good therapist to work with you, because living with a Narcissist messes with your head and destroys your self esteem. Once you are healthy, you will be attracted to other healthy people who won’t abuse you.

Comments

The chronic lateness was maddening. My NPD ex did that, too. I’d be sitting on the sofa dressed and ready to go. He’d peer up from over the last top out of his Facebook stupor and make some comment about not wanting to wait for me.

I’d look at him slack-jawed and point out that I was in fact showered and ready to go and he was the one unshowered, unshaven and still in his cargo shorts. Then the road rage as he screamed and flipped his middle finger at other motorists that dared be on the road at the same time as him and were, obviously, deliberately getting in his way “making” him late.

I still have no idea how he did it, but he blew out a tire parking his car by slamming into a curb. Twice he did this.

I always thought he liked to keep others waiting to demonstrate that his time was more valuable and that other people’s time didn’t matter. He used to bemoan what “has beens” his friends and our neighbors are, but then he got to feel more successful than them. He did have a group of what I can only describe as middle aged fan boys. They were nice, but also tolerated my ex putting them down. Toward the end, he accused me of causing him to slip into “mediocrity” whatever the hell that means. I’m pretty sure he got fired from his few high profile jobs all on his own. Conversely, he liked to take credit for my successes, such as they are.

Chronic lateness – couldn’t get to grips with that one. I’ve got a hunch that my resulting frustration gave her the stability points and hence the moral high ground.

Come to think of it

Leaving stinking washing up for weeks on end, never taking the trash out (‘stay at home mum’) hiding parking and speeding fines to triple or quadruple from penalties, hiding debt collectors letters etc…

All this was to engender frustration. She loved to be the ‘adult’ , ‘the stable one’, ‘the cool headed one’…& she did this by using these emotional headlocks.

I agree that she is a kid pretending to be an adult , failing and dumping it all on me.

But it now has turned into a court strategy rather than just a defence mechanism.

She has painted me as unstable. The magistrate does not believe it and nor the child protection guy either but I get the impression they are covering their arses by ordering a psych evaluation on me. Well actually they said that to me. they said it was the only way to put this nonsense to bed. The only thing she has been able to hang her hat on is a history of depression and anxiety which oddly enough has been more manageable than ever since leaving the relationship.

Thing is you can see her strategy unravel in her head as the spousal maintenance she so cravenly demands is being whittled away. £3000 for a psych eval. Each trip to court £5000, multiple letters in between £2500 etc…

She refuses to work. I work 50+ hrs a week. She’s got this huge conflict in her head between holding on to her child which she is insanely possessive of or losing out on thousands in potential maintenance.

Its actually quite disgusting that the state allows adult toddlers to dictate the terms of everyone’s lives like this.

The courts are ill equipped to mitigate the effects of mental illness. I think it’s wise to have an evaluation done on you (as long as she is having one, as well). While you are suffering from the effects of long term abuse, you are not an abuser. A Psyche eval should work out in your favor. Keep us posted and good luck!