Okay
so almost 11 years ago, I was blessed with the opportunity to carry a beautiful
baby boy. I was blessed to carry him for 5 ½ months. I felt his every move, I
felt his kicks, I felt his flutter. It was the most beautiful thing I could
ever experience.

Just
before approaching my 6th month, I went into labor. At the time I
had no idea what I was experiencing, but there were cramps (contractions) fluid
leaking (water broke) and a lot of grunting (pushhhhhing). In the hospital I
ended up giving birth to an angel named Malachi. (Ma-luh-kai for pronunciation)

However,
God saw fit to take my angel back to Heaven with Him. On May 26, 2002 I became
a mother, but on that day I also had to let go of my child. It was one of the
worse moments of my life. My son died in my arms, he was so beautiful, he was
so tiny, and he was mine. Whatever, the reason God saw fit to take him I have accepted
and have moved forward with my life, but never forgetting the beautiful blessing I was blessed with if even for a short time.

The
pain never really goes away, and when I see little babies I remember my son,
when I see children around the age he would be I think of my son, and when I
hear his name, I wonder what my son is doing and what he would be like if he
were alive.

Because
of this, I chose to honor my son and his memory every year by participating in
the March of Dimes (please click link for more info) The March of Dimes is an organization that helps and
supports families that have had premature babies and also help women have full
term pregnancies so that they do not have to experience what I experienced or
so many other women I know had to experience.

A
blurb from March of Dimes

“When you walk in March for Babies, you give hope to the more
than half a million babies born too soon each year. The money you raise
supports programs in your community that help moms have healthy, full-term
pregnancies. And it funds research to find answers to the problems that
threaten our babies. We’ve been walking since 1970 and have raised an
incredible $2 billion to benefit all babies.”

This
is why this organization is so near and dear to my heart. I want to spread the
word about this organization and my personal story. I am not a sales person so
I am not going to ask you for money. I do ask that if you can find it in
your heart to support me and this amazing organization I would GREATLY
appreciate it. By support I mean spreading the word, sharing this post,
sharing my personal Malachi_Angel link around so people can get involve, or if
you are in the So-Cal area and would love to join me in the 5K walk that is
happening on Saturday, April 27th, 2013 at Balboa Park you can also
sign up by clicking the link above. If you do feel led in your heart to donate
then you may do so online, and remember it is safe and confidential and it is tax
deductible. That’s always a plus!!

Thank
you for letting me pour my heart out to you, my beautiful readers and thank you
for always taking the time to read my post and support me.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Disclaimer
alert: Please do not send me messages or comments saying I need therapy or need
help in general. And please don’t think I have gone crazy or anything. These
are my deep dark private thoughts that I am willing to share publicly. I have
gone through so many trials and tribulations in my life and if my story can
bless, encourage, or help someone I chose to tell it and I shouldn’t be reprimanded
for doing so.

With that
said good morning and happy Monday to all you beautiful people out there. What
a weekend huh? How was yours? Mine was filled with tears, tears and more tears.
Even as I am at work, typing this blog tears are streaming. I have hit a rough
patch but at the same time it’s a revelation. I learn more and more about
myself everyday, I learn the good, the bad and the ugly but that’s what life is
all about right? Growth, maturity, and a new level of understanding..Yes? Well
I got a bunch of that this week. I try to live a drama free life, because I don’t
deal well with it. I don’t like it, its pointless and a waste of time. In spite
of all that I was saturated in it this past week, but yesterday I had a meeting
with a friend, and we decided on going to the beach. The beach is my calming
ground. I love the ocean, the sounds, the sand, the beautiful creation that was
made. I haven’t been in a while so it was a nice place to be especially with
everything that has been going on.

As most of
my readers know I have experienced a significant amount of loss in my life. The
most recent being my mother, and most of my readers know that I am not close
with many of my family members. With that said I had a conversation with another
friend Friday evening and I was telling her how I would call my auntie, my
mother’s sister because I hadn’t talked to her in a while. And as I was talking
to my friend I was telling her how the conversation would go, I told her it
would start off with a question that would go something like this: “What the
hell you want?” then I proceeded to tell her how the rest of the conversation
would go: “You know I don’t like talking on the phone, what’s wrong?” “Don’t we
talk enough on facebook?” to “Okay, are we done? I’ll talk to you later”. To my
NOT surprise as I called my aunt Saturday afternoon that is EXACTLY how the
conversation went, and without hesitation I told my aunt exactly what I told my
friend, we both laughed about it.

*Backdrop on my aunt* Before you think she’s
some mean crazy lady you have to understand her. She has never been a phone person;
she is VERY rough around the edges and not sentimental at all. She keeps her
wall up, she doesn’t allow anyone in, and if you do get in your only get
surface things, you will never ever get all of her for fear of being hurt,
wounded, let down, or disappointed. So she keeps this hard exterior and is the
type of person that society would label as “keeping it real” or “hardcore”. My
aunt talks on the phone for a living which I understand completely, I do as
well and the last thing I want to do is pick up the phone when I get off of
work, however, if my family is calling I will answer since we are 3,000 plus
miles away from each other. I guess I am the only one that sees that.

As, I
already stated my family and I aren’t close, but my aunt is a little piece of
my mom and I am all she has from my mom, so my aunt is a very special woman to
me. Because of the conversation I had with my aunt later that evening she
posted this as her status on Facebook: “I hate
talking on the phone and I have always been that way. I want my niece Nikki
Godz-Princess to know. I love her with all my heart and soul; she is all I
got left of my big sister. And i never mean to hurt your feelings by rushing u
off the phone. I am always concern about u and will always have ur back! I love
you.” This touched my heart to the core. I cried because I rarely have moments
like that come from my aunt. Even as I am re-reading it I am crying. It meant a
lot for me to know how she really feels about me. Call me sensitive, dramatic
or whatever you want but when you’ve grown up thinking this woman has hated you
all your life, its nice to get a glimpse of something different.

As I was having a conversation with
my friend yesterday at the beach I was sharing with her the conversation I had
with my aunt, and the FB status and of course I began to cry. It was then that
I started to realized that I want my aunt to be Debra, and she will never be
Debra, I want her to love me like Debra, hug me like Debra, I want her to talk
to me like Debra would, care about me and my well being like Debra did. Share with
me her dreams and aspirations like Debra did. Know just the right things to say
like Debra would. I look for Debra in
her. I long for Debra in her. I need Debra in her. And I realized she can never
be Debra, she is not Debra. She can only be Jackie, because that is who she is,
that is who God made her. She is my mothers SISTER….NOT my mother. I never
realized that was what I was doing or that, that was my expectations of my
aunt. It hurts more than I can say that I put those expectations on her and on
myself because I was always so sad and disappointed. I miss my mother so much
but I have to let my aunt be my aunt and understand I can’t look for Debra in
everyone. God gave me my mother for 20 years, He saw fit, that, it was enough
and took her home to be with Him. I don’t understand it I don’t get it, but I
know it is not my place to understand or get but to except it, do what I have
been placed on this earth to do and make her proud of me!

The life I have been given has not
been an easy one. Experience the loss I have experienced, experiencing the
abuse I have experienced, the lack of self confidence I have experienced, the
suicidal thoughts I have experienced, the suicidal actions I have done, the
pain that I have felt, the hurt I have gone through it as all been for a
purpose. Some of the purpose is still unfolding, some of the purpose has been
unfolded but like I said in the beginning, if my story can help, encourage or
bless someone I will shout it from the rooftops! But one thing I do know is
that out of the ashes, beauty always rises. I’m still rising…..

Thanks for reading my very lengthy post (sorry) and have
a wonderful week my loves

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Today at church I was blessed with a little gift basket from a friend, full of great things. Here's a peek at the gift basket.

I feel in love with this basket, great earrings, and my personal favorite, this beautiful sparkly fan. Also known to me as my "church fan" simply because I remember the older women at my church growing up always having those types of fans.

Here are some photos of the earrings and a ring that I received as well.

After service, before lunch at Olive Garden. (YUM-O BTW) I stopped off at my local shoe store. I haven't been shopping in I don't know how long. Actually I should say I haven't purchased anything for myself in I don't know how long. I got these awesome wedges and I love the design. They look better on then in the picture but still I am so happy.

Along with the shoes of course I had to get a purse. Why? Because shoes and purses are my thing...smh I might need to seek additional help LOL

Then it was off to Wal-mart, I just needed to pick up some concealer to conceal these dark circles under my eyes, and I walked out with much more than I intended. Does that happen to anyone else when they go shopping?? Geez.....

Anyways, I saw this pretty pink lip-gloss and figured I would try it. It is from NYC. It is their new 8 hour wear City Proof Lip gloss, in the perpetually hot pink shade. Its kind of sticky which I am not a huge fan of. I like more of the glide and slide gloss. However, it is long lasting and I like the color. What do you guys think, how does it look on me??

That's all for this Haul. I hope this isn't the last :) So tell me...how was your weekend? Did you do any shopping or getting anything?

Thanks for allowing me to share my haul with you and thanks for stopping by

About Me

My blog was created to invite you on the soulful lyrical journey of my life and the funny, interesting and true things that come along with it. Confessions of a Songstress can be anything from cooking to my interesting dating life (or lack there of lol). We will have daily confessions and talks and you can always feel free to bring your questions or comments and I will do my best to answer them. I look forward to a lot of awesome times on this journey with you. So sit back, kick up your feet and relax as you enter into Confessions of a Songstress. SS <3