‘Dallas’: Behold! The Prairie Chicken!

Annie and Bobby are still reeling from the whole Zombie Grandpa is working for the CIA thing. Bobby orders extra men to ride the fence line, extra muscle on the gates, and all the hands to ride armed. If Grandpa’s relationship with the cartel goes sideways, Bobby intends to be prepared. He gets word that there’s already trouble on the ranch. The drilling office has been vandalized and John Ross is slugging it out with one of the cattle hands, Bo. In retrospect, he should have made Pambecca another batch of pancakes and avoided the unpleasantness. Bobby and his security chief ride up, but he holds his man back. “I want to make sure John Ross gets his aspirations well and truly kicked learns his lesson.” Bobby finally steps in after Bo knocks John Ross to the dirt a second time. He tells the assembled hands that he intends to keep Southfork in cattle, not oil. No one is losing their job. He stopped JR – every time – and he can keep his son from drilling, too.

Sue Ellen and Annie nibble on breakfast and discuss wedding plans. They’re sitting on a balcony overlooking the pool – where Emma is sunning herself in a red bathing suit held together with a whisper and a prayer. Annie goes on about seating arrangements, but Sue Ellen doesn’t hear a word. “Is something wrong? Because you just agreed to Afton as your dinner partner at your son’s wedding.” Annie prods and Sue Ellen reluctantly admits her fear that something is going on between John Ross and Emma. Annie is shocked – shocked! – but she’s met Emma, and Sue Ellen was right about her drug use, so. She tells Emma to stop flaunting her lady bits at John Ross and to stay close to home because dangerous drug lords. Emma is all

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Pambecca catches Emma mid-snit and suggests that whatever it is, retail therapy can help. She’s off to do some honeymoon shopping and would love the company. Emma thinks it sounds like delicious evil fun. “Operation Lingerie starts now.” As they shop, Pambecca burbles that she and John Ross can be their real selves because they saw each other at their worst early on. Emma vomits into a C cup.

Annie realizes desperate measures are needed. She goes to Grandpa Zombie, hoping that together they can rein Emma in. He’s all, ‘She put me in jail. I have no influence there.’ Annie reveals that Emma’s acting out has taken the form of the sexy times with John Ross. Grandpa in turn relays the distressing news to Angela. Angela is all, ‘John Ross is the sex. Well played, Emma.’ And if she gave Grandpa’s secret files to John Ross, then that’s Grandpa’s problem. Not hers. Grandpa au contraires. What about the unflattering information the files contain about her? His insurance against her

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sudden, but inventible, betrayal. Angela takes a sip of brandy and purrs that Grandpa is lucky her instinct for self preservation is stronger than her instinct for revenge. “I’m sure we can find something to compromise young Mister Ewing enough to convince him to return those files.”

“And by ‘we’, of course I mean me.”

“I’m glad JR’s dead, but I didn’t kill him.” Christopher visits Cliff in prison. Blah blah I’m on to Trevino, you killed my children, you’re exactly where you belong, blah. He leaves the prison and a small boy runs into him. His friends are chasing him. Gotta go, byee. Having zero street smarts, Christopher does not immediately checks his pockets. The boy runs on and hands Christopher’s wallet to a man in a nearby SUV. The man gives the boy two Tootsie Pops. They appear to be cherry, the finest of the lolly flavors. This kid clearly knows how to negotiate. Christopher’s next stop is to a small convenience store. The man behind the counter, Eduardo Vega, should be a rich man. But ten years ago, his partner Nicholas Trevino, stole a drug patent out from under him and made his first hundred million without paying Vega a dime. Christopher explains that he’s trying to protect his own business interests. He hopes that by learning more about Trevino he can learn more about his motives. Vega wishes him luck with that. “Before 1997, Nicholas Trevino did not exist.” Christopher wraps up his trip and checks out of his hotel. A black SUV pulls up. The man in the front seat confirms that Christopher has been asking about Nicholas Trevino. If he wants answers, they can help. Get in.

Elena and Nicholas continue gathering evidence. Nicholas drops in on Rhonda and waves an envelope of cash at her. Tell the truth about Cliff and the cash is hers. She has a day to think about it. Elena goes to the gun range posing as a wronged woman – with the perfectly grouped crotch shots to prove it. ‘He’ cheated on her right there. Can you believe it? If the range attendant can’t help her get over it, maybe he can help her get even. He pulls up the security files from the days Elena thinks her ‘fellow’ was there, but the footage is gone.

Sue Ellen deploys a fine cut of beef and psychological warfare on Bum. She apologizes for asking him to spy on John Ross. And admits she almost called him again that morning. Seeing John Ross and Emma together makes her sick to her stomach. But then she thought, maybe she is projecting. “I guess maybe I’m haunted by the philandering ghost of JR.” She says that she appreciates Bum telling her the truth about her son. She’s glad she was wrong. Bum sits quietly, waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him. “You’re a good man, Bum. And I know you regret the heartache that you caused me by not telling me all JR’s philanderings. Even though you knew all his secrets … Pambecca’s a good girl. She deserves more than a marriage based on lies.” She raises her glass in a toast to their happy – and faithful – ever after. Bum looks like she just roundhouse kicked him in the chest.

That night, John Ross returns a sandwich bag full of pills to Bum. It was enough to convince Bo to play ball, lest he be outed as Emma’s dealer. The lady herself appears in the doorway. Bum gives John Ross a, ‘Boy, you are dumber than a bag of hair’ look. John Ross walks him out to the penthouse elevator. Bum rounds on him. He calls that discreet? John Ross appreciates the lecture and will stop hooking up with Emma as soon as Bum comes up with something that will put Grandpa back in jail. Bum warns that it’s not Grandpa John Ross should be worried about – it’s Angela. “She’s the one that wears the pants.” Would you say Bum, that SHE’S THE BOSS? WOULD YOU? BECAUSE I WOULD. John Ross shoos him away and returns to the bedroom. Emma is wearing an emerald green satin merry widow. She says she wants to keep it on. She wants him to remember her wearing it.

Bum goes straight to Sue Ellen and spills. She was right. He’s sorry … but not nearly as sorry as Sue Ellen is.

The new day dawns bright and shiny for John Ross. Bo has brought the other hands over to the dark side. They set to cleaning up the trashed office trailer as Bobby pulls up. He’s carrying a small, covered cage. He knows he can’t stop John Ross drilling, but what he’s holding can. BEHOLD! THE LESSER PRAIRIE CHICKEN! They’re very rare. Endangered, even. And the Sierra Club is pressing for an investigation into whether or not fracking for oil on Southfork will harm their habitat. The investigation could take months. Years. And the Railroad Commission won’t issue a drilling permit until the issue is resolved.

“He is awful cute though, isn’t he?”

Pambecca takes Emma’s advice and starts the honeymoon early. John Ross comes home to champagne and candles. “Now this is the kind of married life I’m talking about.” Pambecca drops her robe to reveal the exact same emerald green merry widow that Emma was wearing just the night before. John Ross drifts into a fugue state. Emma is all he can think about. He asks his wife for a raincheck. Peck on the cheek love you byee.

After coming up empty at the gun range, Elena is in a funk that not even a martini and fresh mole can cure. Perhaps the sexy times with your semi-adopted brother can? A phone call from Rhonda postpones whatever was almost about to happen. Nicholas meets Rhonda in an empty parking lot. He offers her the envelope of cash. Bobby steps out of her car. Color that two for two on the day. Rhonda toes the Ewing line. Bobby tells Nicholas that sometimes, the truth hurts. On that count, Nicholas will agree. “It will be interesting to see who it will hurt more.” When he returns to the penthouse, he tells Elena they’ll look someplace else. She meow meows that she just needs to accept that the Ewings will always win. He tells her the Ewings will never win his heart and they have the sexy times.

Christopher is driven to the Trevino compound. The woman who greets him assures him she can tell him anything he wants to know about Nicholas. She’s his wife.