A 33 year old “unexplained” couple, embarking on IVF #9 (now up to IVF #10- OH make that #11) in a unique way…come join me…..UPDATED: A jaded 11 IVFer trying to figure out motherhood to twins...who knew it'd be this confusing?

10/14/2012

Well, I just couldn’t leave that last negative and scary blog post hanging regarding Princess’ health. At the follow up two weeks later the doctor actually, finally said the “C” word- that they were worried it was cancer. Even though I knew she was ok at that point, just hearing that was breath taking. I have to give it to them, they handled it so professionally, and the fact that the word “cancer” was never uttered during that period makes me feel good for some reason, even though it was unspoken thing. We are all so fragile, our human bodies. I’m so grateful for everything myself, my husband and my children have in that respect. Especially even more so because two people close to me in my family aren’t as lucky and are trapped in their bodies that don’t work they way they are designed too….

I’m pretty good at appreciating medical things, how lucky and blessed I am to have a physical body that allows me to move freely without pain, to dance, to lift weights, all those amazing things. So going through everything with Princess only reinforced that. For a few months, I’ve noticed one of Peanut’s eye’s wandering, and strabismus runs in my family (actually, a pretty severe form that causes severe eye impairment) so I’ve been keeping an eye one it. In the past two weeks it’s pretty much present 100% of the time and I’m taking both twins for a major initial eye exam next week. I’m pretty sure they will tell me to patch Peanut, but you know what- big deal? So he wears a patch. I know other moms may get very upset by that, but to me, it seems like a logical and, most importantly, NON invasive therapy. Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping he will say. I’ll let you know.

Being co-president of the twins club is a lot of work, not that I really expected anything different I suppose. The thing is, my co-president and I are shaking things up a bit, changing things around, and therefore making more work for ourselves. But it is what it is. I wouldn’t normally really talk about it save for the fact that…wait for it..I just started working part time!! After not being in an office environment since December, 2008 (when I was newly pregnant with DIJ and (rightly) let go for my inability to focus on work because there were always so many damn IF/adoption/donor egg phone calls to make) it’s kind of interesting being back in that environment. Let me just preface this that I was looking for a basic job, like a secretary, just to help with the finances. The job I accepted actually happens to be in my field and is to run a specific program working with people with disabilities, so it’s right in my career path and makes logical sense on a resume, versus some “filler” mom job, if that makes sense? It’s been six weeks and so far, so good. Let me tell you, it is a CRAZY HOUSE here from 7 to 8 AM on the days I work when the twins wake up because I know also must look presentable, actually put a bra on, wash my face, brush my hair, make up, everything. It’s rough. Let me tell you, I respect working moms in a whole different way now. But, as soon as 8:15AM comes and the sitter arrives, I walk out that front door and I’m all business. When I am in meetings it’s like I take on a different persona, the “mother” part of me leaves and sits over the in the corner, patiently and happily hanging out. I’m so absorbed in my work and assisting this community that I’m so passionate about, that I don’t even think about it! I wonder if that’s normal? I mean, do working moms think about their kids throughout the day? My theory is- no news is good news. My cell is always within inches of my hand, and if the babysitter isn’t calling then all is well and I can (happily) and giddily throw myself into my work and really absorb myself into the second topic I am most passionate about: people with disabilities. (The first topic, of course, is IF health benefits, advocacy and surrogacy legal rites.) So, there ya go! (PS: Speaking of legal stuff – as we all know we’re deep into election season and there is this one local independent person running to be a state senator. One of his volunteers came to my house at the worst possible time- 6:30PM- while I’m trying to feed and put pajamas on two toddlers who fight me on every.single.thing. But I didn’t care- I grilled her on the runner’s stance on infertility health benefits, and more importantly how her rep would vote when the bill to make surrogacy legal comes to vote in New York State (have I discussed this here yet? I can’t recall- I’ve become involved in that movement and happy to go to Albany when and if they need me.) She had NO CLUE what the fuck I was talking about. I said thanks, I’ll call the office. I called the office and asked if someone could get back to me regarding these issues, and if he would vote for the surrogacy law well, he has my vote! They said they would get back to me, alas nothing yet.) I’ll tell you though, sometimes it feels good to have a big mouth and be confident and strong in what you are saying. No “whoas me’ bullshit- numbers, facts, figures. I like it.

Finally, the twins are going to turn two in December. Princess is a doll- a happy, loving, jumping up and down in the crib in the morning to see me doll. Peanut, on the other hand, can be a whiny cranky pain in my butt. Honesty, there are times I wish I could invent a mute button and just walk away. Listen, I’m not sugar coating anything- having just one child is hard. Having twins is…INTESNE. This can be INSANE sometimes. When both kids are crying and pulling on my leg and saying, “cookie, cookie” and then I realize the dog just peed on the carpet beneath the dining room table followed by somehow pulling down the bowl of the kid’s leftovers from dinner and it splattering all over the floor, and I am by myself and it’s 5PM and I just want to run away and hide. I simply do not see how this is enjoyable, or to take it further, why anyone would purposely chose to have this be their life. For me- it’s not fun. Sure, I’m not the most maternal person, buy my kids are loved, in a safe environment, have anything they could ever want, eat organic, home made food, blah blah blah. But- MAN- this is rough. Like I’ve said over and over on this blog, some people are just cut out to be mothers, and motherhood is their one top goal in life. It’s not mine. That doesn’t mean these kids aren’t going to get the best of everything we can give them, it just simply doesn’t fulfill me they way I feel it does others. Be clear- I am not making apologies or asking for advice, I’m just explaining that motherhood simply isn’t the “end all and be all” for all women, and it’s important to have a conversation like this.

Ok, I promise to try and write again as soon as I can! Eh, who knows if anyone is even still reading this. ☺

Love,
Sunshine

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I'm here and I read it. And I started my own business so you know I definitely get it!