INFJ: I love my solitude, but I love my friends more

I love my friends. Being an independent INFJ, I was always scared of using the L word. However, when it comes to my few close friendships, that fear is replaced by gratitude. That doesn’t mean I don’t like my solitude. But I’ve found that I can’t do everything by myself. I also know I don’t have to walk alone. Nor do you.

I love my solitude, but my friends make the difference

Those of you who have read my articles know that I recently made a big change in my life. After years of loneliness and sacrifices, I moved to another continent. I convinced myself the main reason for such a radical move was my career. Partially it is, but not entirely.

You see, I was extremely lonely back in Europe. I sacrificed more than 3 years of my life to fully commit to the goal I mentioned above. Because of that, many left. I knew that my purpose search would be hard, and it was, but the most difficult part was loneliness.

Because INFJs feel so much, the loss of a friend due to abandonment is more difficult for us than for others. We start blaming ourselves. We question our actions. In the most severe cases, anxiety and depression arise. I do suffer from occasional anxiety as many INFJs do. It’s not easy to feel everything on such a high level.

This is why our friends are such a driving force for INFJs. Your career won’t give you a hug or listen when you need to vent. Money won’t hold your hand when you just need to let it all out. And sometimes, our solitude won’t give us the answers we seek.

In order to show you the incredible difference a friend can have on an INFJ, I’ll share with you an experience I had recently.

The trip that changed everything

I never had many friends. Like all INFJs, I believe in quality, not quantity. This is why I give everything I have to be there for those who matter to me. A few weeks ago I visited one of my dearest friends, the person who I see as my personal inspiration, the founder of Introvert Spring, Michaela Chung.

There are no words that can do justice to how happy I was to see my friend. I love my solitude and I always protect it fiercely, but I love my friends more. I know how to enjoy alone time, but when I am in the company of those I cherish, I am in my element.

This wasn’t just an ordinary trip for me. As with many INFJs, every change is hard. Traveling again after a few months caused me to be a little anxious. But all that was gone when I saw my friend.

We may be introverts to the core, but nothing comes close to the moment when an INFJ sees the ones we care for. It’s like we get a confirmation that everything we’ve been through was worth it, and even our solitude doesn’t matter so much anymore. All that matters in that singular second is that we are standing in front of the ones we love.

The extroverted trait of an INFJ

As an INFJ, I value my solitude, but I also need my friends. A while back I saw a movie where the main character, after hearing the question: “Why are you always so available?” answers: “Because I know how it feels to be abandoned and lonely.” Being alone and lonely are two completely different things, but that difference can sometimes be invisible for INFJs.

Even though INFJs are strong enough to go it alone, you don’t have to. The paradox of our personality is that we feel lonely often, but we are also the most social creatures you can imagine. For example, it doesn’t matter how tired I am, when my friend needs me, I’m there in a blink of an eye.

It’s important that I mention, don’t try to please everyone, because that’s not possible. What you can do is be there for those who matter the most. My friends give me strength, and I’m not under the illusion that I made it here on my own. I love doing my own thing in silence, but having a meaningful conversation with a friend is priceless to me.

I could tell you to try and find a balance between solitude and spending time with your friends, but we all know that term is meaningless to INFJs. Instead, I’ll leave you with these thoughts.

Spend enough time on your own so that you can have the energy for your most important humans. It’s okay to say no, and it’s perfectly fine to recharge and replenish in solitude. But it’s also vital that you spend time with the ones you see as family by choice. For an INFJ, there isn’t greater happiness in life than loving and calling someone a friend.

You are not alone

We understand that when you have the rarest personality type, it’s not always easy to be there for others. But you are most certainly not alone.

6 Comments

Hi Marko ….as an INFJ I’ve had to be careful about friendship.A lot of people want to be your friend for different reasons. Whether it’s because you’re a non threatening person or that they just feel sorry for you (beware caretaker personalities).So my solitary needs can disappear under the weight of ‘hard work’ friendships. Now I live in Europe in a different culture to my birth culture and it is very common for me to feel isolated from the flow of life round here. I try to make ‘me’ my special friend as I trust myself and bargain with the fact that I would rather have my inner peace than company for the sake of it.
If you’re back in a happier place – and I hope you are – good luck and tranquility.

I fully understand you Catherine. When I moved, the culture was completely different, so like you, I had to learn to adapt to a completely new one. I can fully understand what you said about your time. Thanks for your kind words, I hope you are finding peace too. 🙂

Hi Marko,
thank you for this excellently expressed article. I feel so amazed that I am reading the words of another person who understands me so well. It’s like reading my own journal.
CS Lewis wrote “we read to know that we are not alone”, but reading here at ‘introvertspring.com’ kicks that feeling into a whole other level. I can breathe here.
Thank you again.