Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Almost six
years ago, I wrote the message below to a new friend.We were both people struggling through a
difficult time and we connected via our respective health issues.For a short period of time, I’d like to think
we helped each other out.Currently, I
am struggling through a similarly dark stretch of health concerns with lots of
questions and uncertainty, with no answers on the horizon.I ran across this today while deleting and/or
backing up old files on my computer.It
seemed a fitting tribute to all of my
friends and family and how huge of a debt I owe each and every one of
them.

Thank you.

Sometimes I wonder why I do it – why any of us
do it.I've never believed in any kind
of bigger picture, or been spiritual in any way.When it comes to life and its meaning, I don't
have any answers and I often wonder what the point of it all is.These questions always arise when I have to
deal with health problems, especially while I was a kidney dialysis
patient.During those three years I
contributed nothing worthwhile to society, nor did I enjoy any aspect of
it.At best I was a burden to my friends
and family.I couldn't work very much,
nor do anything creative, plus I was a serious expense and burden.To this day I wonder why I fought so hard to
survive, only to end up cold, isolated, and loaded with guilt and regrets.Yet, there are still those moments - those
times when you are able to forget, because your friends rally and fill you with
a sense of belonging and love.Occasionally, there are those times when you can help someone out with advice
or comfort that provides a sense of purpose.Sometimes there are moments or situations where you may encounter
someone, when you least expect it, who will change your life.Maybe none of the big questions get answered,
but at least you can feel good about being around, if only for a few moments.

Monday, September 2, 2013

As I passed my always delightful and
animated co-worker Jody in the downstairs hallway at work, we exchanged our
usual greetings, but then she suddenly stopped.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I paused, “Maybe a
little under the weather.”This was my
description of how terrible I have been feeling battling off the side effects
of my new and massively increased immune suppressant medications.I have not been tolerating the new meds
well.The side effects provide intense
muscle pain, nausea, dizziness, weight gain and oh so much more.All of this happened on top of an already
broken heart leading from another failed attempt to find a shot at loving
companionship.

“You’ve lost your sparkle.” She said
with a level of concern I have not generally seen from her normally carefree
attitude.

“Did I ever have a sparkle?’

Our conversation was then sidetracked
by the interruption of more passing co-workers, which at this job always means
some sort of errand will soon follow.There is no way to stay on target there.There are only passing moments of crisis that need immediate attention.

-----

This was an
exchange that happened a few weeks ago.Not much has changed since then.I am still battling feeling sorry for myself, still filled with
heartbreak and still feeling empty.I am
someone in desperate need for a vacation and that is what happened this last
week.The LPGA could not have arrived in town for the annual Safeway Classic at a better time.It is something I look forward to every year
and have blathered on and on about it here (via Summerside and Numb, and
of course via the LPGA website last
year, among others) and to pretty much anyone who is around.So after a couple of days of trying to
complete errands and to try to take it easy and rest, Wednesday rolled around
and it was time to head out to Columbia
Edgewater Country Club to fulfill my volunteer caddying gig.

There are
two major changes to this year’s edition of the tournament.The first is that the venue has been moved
back to Columbia Edgewater from Pumpkin
Ridge for the first time since 2008, where it had been held for many years
prior.The second is that the tournament
has been thankfully changed to the more traditional four round format, as opposed
to the three round event it has been.Any chance at more golf with these ladies is a plus in my book.

This would
be my first year of going through every round solo.I’m not sure that this is a good thing,
because of my tendency to become too involved and lose myself in the
proceedings to the point of madness.It
seems some levity and perspective nearby would be beneficial.But then again, being solo may be a good
thing.It may be best not to have
witnesses around to see me go through the emotional rollercoaster that I
inevitably will experience.

Paige Mackenzie

At any rate,
once I arrived at the course on a beautiful sunny and comfortable day, my mind
began to let go all of the sadness and dread and started to feel anticipation
and excitement.I was quickly assigned
to the amateur partner I would caddy for and we found out that we’d be playing
with the incredibly amiable Paige Mackenzie,
who is originally from Yakima, Washington (which she jokingly calls the Palm
Springs of Washington).She was glowing
and bright and funny and warm and I did watch her golf for a handful of holes
during my first year of attending in 2010.She was memorable, because she’s really pretty and has a unique
style.On that day, she was wearing a
cardigan sweater, which I have never seen on a golf course before.Anyway, she led us around this amazing course,
which I wish I could play someday, but fear that its old money private status
will lock me out of such an opportunity.The way this works is that the pro and her caddy play a round of golf
and mildly prepare for the tournament ahead and they are joined by four amateur
golfers who pay for the opportunity to play with a pro and each of those
players is assigned a volunteer to caddy for them.The money raised for this event is put to
different charities in the area.Luckily, my guy, Cameron, was a good one with a pretty decent game and
we worked well together.I take the
caddying job more seriously than most.I
know the game, understand the game and though I am not a good player, I know
what to do and I actually think I’m pretty good at it.It’s a great way to start the week.Not only does one get the chance to meet one
of these amazing women and get to know her in her element, but there’s a chance
to see the golf course inside the ropes (the ropes are what keep the fairways
and greens separate from the spectators) and learn about the hidden dangers and
potential shots the players will face once the real competition begins.Overall, it was a great time and nothing
really crazy happened, aside from standing alone with Cameron’s clubs while I
waited for him to buy a beer on the 7th hole, and having hall of
fame golfer and long time television announcer Judy Rankin come up behind me in a golf cart (presumably for
research), stop and say “Hi,” before driving on and finding out that my camera
now only takes blurry pictures.Like
last year though, I now have a new pro to root for!

my nice camera

Thursday
morning arrived with a surprise (to me at least) rain, thunder and lightning
storm.We have not had any significant
rain for months and lightning is rare in these parts, but here it was.The first tee times of the day were scheduled
for 7:15 AM and my girl from last year’s Pro-Am, Jee Young Lee, was set to tee off at 7:48.My plan was to follow her group and then find
Paige Mackenzie’s group around 12:30 PM.I showed up at the course at 6:45 ready to go and watched some players
on the range and practice green lamenting the failure of my camera and my
cheapness, which has left me with 2005 cell phone technologyIt does have a basic (ically useless) camera,
but no email.I went to the huge
porta-potty assortment, that was laid out like Stonehenge,
for obvious reasons and while inside heard the intensity of the rain increase
and an air horn blast signifying lightning in the area and for everyone to seek
shelter.As I emerged, I sought quick
shelter in a covered patio area next to the pro shop.This area, it turns out is where the players
and caddies were designated to go, because before I could react, I was
surrounded by about 45 LPGA players and their caddies, all sitting around
silently fiddling with their far more advanced cell phones.It was clear that I did not belong there, but
I stayed still and tried not to make any sudden movements.Security was in the area and I didn’t want to
get tossed before anything had started!A few more weather stops and starts followed, but play eventually began
about an hour late.

Jee Young Lee

The last
time I saw Jee Young Lee in person, about 54 weeks prior, she had gone from a
player I had barely heard of to my new favorite golfer and I had this to say
about seeing her finish last year:

“When she finished (her round), my
companion Christine followed me around behind the grandstands, where I shook
hands and offered continued support to Jee Young’s father, where he thanked me
profusely again for my support.What I
really wanted was a chance to get a picture of me with her after the round,
since I had taken so many of her with other people.But as we circled around where the players
exit the big stage of the 18th hole and where there are generally
autograph seekers and such, I saw Jee Young and her caddy alone with their
heads down walking directly to the driving range to practice – with her father
trotting over the join them.It was that
moment where I kind of lost it.I think
I confused Christine as I kept walking back and forth and leading us nowhere
with lots of golfers and action still to be witnessed.But it was that moment when I knew that this
was it.The tournament and the writing
gig that I had been building up with anticipation for nearly an entire year was
ending and I didn’t want it to.This
place is where I belonged!I wanted to
race down that hill and embrace Jee Young and help console her and hopefully find
a way to console myself.In that moment,
I didn’t want to go back to my stressful job.I didn’t want to go see all of my doctors anymore.I didn’t want to go back to my apartment and
be alone.Being at that tournament and
around those players lifted me to another plane where my illnesses and
limitations no longer were a part of my life.My constant daily headaches were barely noticeable, my energy level
maintained enough to get me around those damn hills each and every day without
fail, and I was filled with feeling and passion and confidence that often drift
away from me during regular days.”

It sounds
like a lot of hyperbole, but it really isn’t.This is how intense I felt at the time and all of that returned the
moment I saw JYL appear on the practice green and then head over to the first
tee.She has continued to struggle and
play well only in spurts for the last year – but never consistently enough to
finish at the top.I wanted so badly to
will her to a great weekend of golf.I
won’t bore anyone even more by going into the details of the round, except for
a few things.Jee Young Lee was playing
with young American golfer Vicky Hurst and
Venezuelan Veronica Felibert.Vicky Hurst turned out to be interesting,
because a retired guy from Southern California
named John was there rooting her on, just as I was rooting on JYL.It turns out that he attends the two or three
events in Southern California every year to cheer her on and picks a tournament every year to
travel to.In other words, he is living
my dream.He is free to go see these
women play golf when he wants to.We
chatted a lot during the round and found ourselves, as is common, rooting for
each others' favorite as well.We made
plans to meet up again Friday afternoon to cheer on our gals.Veronica Felibert is a really talented
player, but she is way too deliberate for my taste.Her pre-shot routine seemed to take days each
time.The other significant moment
happened on the 13th hole – a short, scenic par 3 over water.It was terrible for JYL, but comically the
moment I’ve been preparing myself for since last year when I noticed that Jee
Young’s brother caddy seemed to have a quite an antagonistic relationship
that was unhealthy.This year, she has
gone through more than one caddy (a position I would be more than satisfied to
fill!!Maybe that’s why I took the
volunteer caddy job so seriously this year!), having left her brother
behind.At the 13th, the tee
had been moved forward – shortening the hole from the practice rounds – and her
caddy did not account for this.In
other words, he gave her the wrong yardage.She hit a towering perfect looking shot that curved in over the water
from right to left directly at the flagstick, but unfortunately bounded over
the bunker behind the green about 20 yards too far.She picked up her tee and gave this new
caddy a glare that one reserves for their biggest enemy.I felt a chill run down my spine and a wave
of anticipation surge back up.If any
time was my chance to jump right in and get a dream caddy job, this was
it!JYL walked up to her shot way ahead
of everyone else and wound up hitting an amazing shot high up over the bunker from
the thick rough onto a steep downhill slope and somehow stopped the ball within
a few feet of the hole drawing ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ from the few of us
watching.She sank the par putt, handed
her putter to her sheepish caddy and gave him a little punch to the
shoulder.She flashed a smile and my
chance died right there.When the group
went to the next tee, her father (“pops”) came over to me and explained in
broken English about the flub up the caddy had made.I told him that I’m ready whenever they need
me and we both laughed, even though I was not kidding around.Anyway, the round ended with all three players
at 1 under par and they would need to do better on Friday to make the cut and
get into the running.As John and I
watched our group finish on the 18th hole, Paige’s group was teeing
off right behind us on the first.No
lunch break for me!I turned around and
headed back out onto the course.

Paige
Mackenzie’s group included Amanda
Blumenherst (who surprisingly had just announced that she was leaving tour
tired of being apart from her new husband) and the fantastically silly Tiffany Joh.Apparently, according to Paige’s mom (I got
to know both of her parents out there) since Blumenherst was walking away from
the game, the LPGA allowed her to pick her group, so it’s no surprise she
picked Paige (they’d become friends on tour), since I get the feeling that
everyone gets along with her, and Tiffany, because she simply explodes with
fun-loving personality.In fact, Tiffany
Joh has made several funny music videos and posted them on Youtube (as ‘cupofjoh’), claims to be from Whale’s Vagina, CA on
her twitter page (@tiffjoh) and has
an incredible website that must be seen (tiffjoh.com).They all played similarly to my morning group
and all needed to do better on Friday.

Tiffany Joh

Friday
morning arrived warm and sunny and my groups had switched tee times.The morning would start out with the Paige
Mackenzie group and finish with the Jee Young Lee group.I learned a lot more about Paige through her
mom as we strolled around the course.Turns out that Paige has been struggling with a hand injury and back
issues (She broke her back in college) and has only grossed around $42,000,
which considering the expense of playing, traveling, paying for a caddy,
agent, living, and who knows what else, isn’t very much, so she isn’t in a
position to take time off to heal, because she needs to earn a living.How can I not root for her?!She wound up playing well, shooting a 4 under
round and easily making the cut, which landed at 2 under (The ‘cut’ is when the
field is cut in half for the weekend.Those who do not make the cut do not earn money).Neither Tiffany nor Amanda made the cut, as
they both struggled on Friday, but Tiffany still gave me a funny grin as she
exited the last hole (the 9th) and headed toward the locker room.

Paige Mackenzie and Ji Young Oh signed hat

This time I
was able to sit down for a few minutes and grab a quick bite to eat and send
annoying text messages to a few unfortunate individuals about the
proceedings.They all humored me as I
stood by and watched Jee Young Lee practice her putting.This is the part of her game that seems to
elude her.She is so talented (they are
all talented) and has all the tools to be a consistent winner.During the three rounds I have watched her
play; she has hit three of the most remarkable shots I have ever seen by
anyone.These shots that have made tears
well up in my eyes and be thankful that I had sunglasses on to hide them.But she struggles to sink putts consistently,
which is the path to victory.

The
afternoon round with JYL, Vicky and Veronica was rough from the beginning.They also started out on the 10th
hole (and would finish on the 9th) and shaky putting and missed
shots were contagious in the group.Vicky started out strong, but absolutely fell apart down the
stretch.Veronica couldn’t hit the ball
anywhere near where she wanted and started to play slower and slower, which led
their group to fall behind pace, which brought a warning to speed up.Failure to do so can cause a 2 stroke
penalty, which would make this all the more troubling.Vicky and Jee Young were clearly flustered
and were playing way ahead of Felibert, but it didn’t seem to encourage her to
play any faster.JYL had managed to get
herself to 2 under par, but bogeyed the 17th and 18th
holes and spent the entire second nine fighting back through the slow play and
her failing iron play (she started hitting a lot of shots left and into
trouble) and she lipped out no less than five putts and also had one
miraculously and unbelievably sit over the edge of the hole, but not take
gravity’s course and fall in!Six putts
she could’ve easily made.One of
those birdie attempt lip outs happened, and I shit you not, when some
muffler-less truck gunned down the side street that runs adjacent to the 7th
hole, blaring Peter Tosh’s “Legalize It,” just as she started her
backswing.She then lipped out a putt
for birdie on the par 3 - 8th after a really solid short iron put
her in fairly close, after which she smacked her leg so hard that I was worried
she might’ve damaged something.I fell
to my knees (not a good thing in my decrepit condition, because I may not be
able to stand again) and buried my face in my hands.John, my two day cohort, who had already lost
hope with Vicky Hurst, but still maintained his composure put his hand on my
back and quietly said: “There’s nothing you can do.”This missed birdie putt meant that Jee Young
would have to sink about a 160 yard approach shot for a two on the par 4 and
difficult 9th hole – she was stuck at even par for the
tournament.Any sign of a sparkle that I
had gained in the rain the day prior dissipated as I walked alongside the 9th
fairway watching her chances of winning or even earning money for this long
trip fall away.It is so difficult to
watch this all unfold in person.It was
so difficult to watch all three of these players fighting so hard to make it,
but all for naught.Unlike most other
sports, there is no guaranteed contract.As Jee Young pitched the ball from just left of the green and tapped in
for par, she hugged her caddy and immediately grabbed three golf balls from
her bag, signed them and gave them to the Oregon Junior Golf kids surrounding
the green.

Jee Young Lee signed golf ball

I said my
parting to my new friend John and dejectedly headed out toward the exit.I paced around frustrated by that covered
area I had found myself in the day before. I used one of the porta-potties again as
precaution and then emerged with Jee Young Lee standing with her caddy talking
quietly.Her dad had not been out there
this day, so it was just the two of them.As was the case last year, I wanted nothing more than to offer sympathy
and compassion and to try to do something to help ease the situation, but
instead I decided I would just walk by and head out.As I did so, the caddy, whose job I tried to
steal, stopped me and said “Thanks for cheering us on!”I turned around and offered my
condolences.I got to speak with Jee
Young for a few minutes.I’m not sure
how much she understood, since she’s from South Korea and English is not her first language.I’m not sure if she remembered me taking the
wacky picture of her and “snacks” in front of the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile the summer before, as she nodded that she
did, but it meant the world to me.She
smiled wide and spectacularly and thanked me and signed the golf ball that she had used for the round
and gave it to me and I felt better, but still incredibly helpless and
empty.There’s clearly a huge hole in my
heart right now and not even the LPGA can rescue me.

"Snacks," Jee Young Lee and the Wiener Mobile

The
remainder the tournament was exciting and fun, as expected, but I had put too
much energy into cheering on JYL to fully enjoy the rest.I cheered on Paige Saturday & Sunday and
she did well, finishing overall in a tie for 23rd at 10 under
par.After she and Ji Young Oh finished up on the 18th hole, I raced out to
watch the penultimate group to catch young Thai golfer Pornanong Phatlum in her 70s cop sunglasses with her caddy brother
in matching crazy skirt and short combination (how can I not cheer for her?I can say this about almost all of these
players).She had a chance to win her
first ever LPGA event going in to the day, but the pressure got her and you
could see the tension increase in her arms with each putt.In the end Suzann Pettersen won for the second time in the last three years playing
spectacularly again.There’s always next
year for Jee Young Lee and Paige and the rest of my favorites, who I am not always
able to watch while out there.And for
them there’s always the next tournament and I will be there in spirit, wishing
I could be out there with them.