DOJ Unveils "Three Strikes And You're Still In" Policy

Fake News written by James Baughn on Tuesday, November 6, 2001

from the this-ain't-baseball-we're-playing dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- To fight the War on Terrorism, the US is going to need a lot more prison space to hold all of the evil computer hackers now classified as domestic terrorists. As a result, Attorney General Don Bashcroft decided last week that millions of non-violent and only-somewhat-violent prisoners in the Federal prison system will be released to make room for terrorists.

After making a settlement with the DOJ, one Mike Roe Sawff of Redmond, Washington became the first prisoner set free under the new policy.

Mr. Sawff, the president of a window manufacturing firm, was convicted of arson after setting fire to the offices of several different competitors. The other window companies all folded as a result, giving the Mike R. Sawff Window Co. a virtual monopoly on the plate-glass window market.

As part of the settlement, Mr. Sawff will go free with the condition that a committee of law-enforcement personnel will oversee his life for the next five years. Mr. Sawff will no longer be permitted to commit arson against another company (unless they threaten his intellectual property rights) and he must undergo a training seminar entitled "Setting Fire To Your Competition Is A No-No". If he fails to meet these terms, the committee oversight will be extended by two more years. It's not entirely clear what powers this committee will have, if any.

Don Bashcroft said at a press conference, "It's quite clear that Mr. Mike R. Sawf is only a semi-violent offender. Let's give him a fourth chance and make room in our prisons for real terrorists."

When asked for examples of "real terrorists", Bashcroft responded, "Well, just yesterday some snot-nosed pro-piracy encryption-using juvenile-delinquent hacked into the doj.gov website to fix a broken link that was annoying him. Unauthorized computer access that impacts the operation of government is quite clearly an act of domestic terrorism under the new 'Only Commies Don't Believe In Patriotism Act of 2001'. The little perp should get 50 years minimum, but only if there's sufficient prison space available."

The policy has garnered its fair share of critics. Explained the leader of the Open Door Movement (a rogue group of hobbyists that build and hand out free doors as an alternative to expensive Sawff windows), "We can't let Mr. Sawff's crimes go unpunished! Why did the DOJ spend millions of dollars prosecuting the arsonist only to cave in at the last minute? This will just encourage other would-be arsonists such as Starr Bukxs, Ore A. Kull, Vera Sine, Ayohell Tymewarner, Walt Disney, Nye Kee, Mac Donnulds, Aytee N. Tee, Unee Siss, Ted Turner, and Rupert Murdoch."

Another naysayer said nay. "During the arson trial, Mr. Sawff showed an obviously doctored video that attempted to frame one of his enemies, Mr. Linn Icks, for setting the fires. Of course if anybody else committed perjury in court (except maybe the President), they would have been deported to the bottom of the South Pacific by now. Why should Mike Roe Sawff be treated any different?"