The world’s most fascist toy?

In which I purchase a one-eyed alien policeman.

The Amazon UK user review convinced me: "If you only buy one totalitarian themed toy this year, make sure it's this one." Who could say no? So I plunked down my £5.62 plus international shipping, and last week a package bearing a UK customs declaration showed up at my door in Chicago.

Inside was Wenlock, the creepiest Olympic mascot I have ever seen, decked out as an androgynous police officer with hands behind its back. I pulled the cyclopean oddity from its packaging, removed the plastic shell, and gazed upon a plastic figurine which was, admittedly, a bit smaller than it had appeared in photos. The giant unblinking eye gazed upon me as I tried to pull Wenlock loose—without success—from its stand. Turning the package over, I saw that Wenlock had both its feet secured to the base with screws. When I removed these and set it free at last upon my desk, Wenlock revealed its fatal weakness: it was unbalanced and could never stand unaided. It crashed promptly to the ground.

Secure in Sauron's panopticon

Wenlock and Mandeville became the official mascots of this year's games, their design more than a bit reminiscent of the aliens Kodos and Kang from The Simpsons. For an event celebrating human achievement, they are about the most inhuman things one could imagine (Wenlock even sports a small tail). Such official mascots, usually tending toward the animal or the alien, have become common as Olympic organizers work to avoid excluding any gender, ethnic group, or skin color, but it reached a new level of odd when they decided to kit out Wenlock and Mandeville in various UK costumes, such as those belonging to "Beefeaters," the Queen's Guard, and the police. The effect is nightmarish, with Police Officer Wenlock being perhaps the most fascistic of the bunch.

I am not alone in noting this; 102 reviewers took to Police Officer Wenlock's Amazon.co.uk page to rate this unwitting tribute to the surveillance state. They tagged the toy with the phrases "1984," "secure beneath the watchful eyes," "panopticon," "Eye of Sauron," "imagine a boot stamping on a human face," and, err, "dildo."

But it was the reviews that caught my eye. Few individuals can do much to affect a machine as powerful as LOCOG—the London organizing committee for the games—and its corporate sponsors, but in the great tradition of satirists everywhere, people can still take literary potshots at the powerful. Take it away, anonymous Brits:

Delighted to welcome Wenlock to my family of fascist playthings. He takes pride of place in my replica Guantanamo camp standing atop the search tower alongside My Little Stalin. Oh how we laugh when he and Uncle Joe round up the gypsies, homosexuals and those of a non white persuasion and give them the old spa treatment with the garden hose. Gosh what larks.

And:

The UK knows that giant, unblinking eyes give people a sense of calm and security.

Frankly, this [delightful] piece of [loveliness] is the most [amazing] thing I've ever bought. My human rights have been [enriched] on a daily basis since this arrived. Fortunately my wife and kids managed to [temporarily take a holiday] from the house, but when I tried to leave he [cuddled] me so hard I had dizziness and blurred vision for 3 days. He is now forcing me to live on a diet of sponsor approved food which is [delicious] and I've put on [lean athletic muscle mass] so my clothes don't fit. I'm wearing an Adidas Lycra skinsuit whilst I type this. You may not even read this as he's been monitoring and [improving] all of my communications.

And:

Well, I did purchase this item, and I can happily report that it is every bit as sinister as it appears. It is in fact the 21st Century equivalent of the infamous 'Monkey's Paw', that dread talisman that grants wishes at the expense of the owner's happiness. My wish was that [London mayor] Boris Johnson be stuck on a zip wire above Victoria Park.

And:

Imagine my glee when Wenlock came in the post, as my nephew's birthday was the next day... At his birthday party, my nephew opened the present, and put it in the pile of the other toys so he could play with his friends. Unfortunately, we placed Wenlock in front of the refreshments table, and disastrously we had Pepsi instead of Coca-Cola, the official beverage of the games. Wenlock started beeping, and started saying "sponsorship error" over and over again.

And then the lights went out in the village hall. Riot squads starting rappelling through the windows. Pandemonium struck. Tear gas was used on the children, lest they run away and give a bad impression of the Olympics.

And:

[The product tagline] "Hello, I'm Wenlock! Don't I look smart in my police officer's uniform?" is missing the suffix of "as I beat you to death with my truncheon."

I was going to buy this to burn, but the Thinkpol rumbled me and I'm now facing life imprisonment for thought crimes against the state.

And:

This is a very educational product. The bloodless, cyclopean eye of the law stares unblinking from below the steel helm, the lipless mouth unflinching. If you want the little gals'n'guys to learn early (and learn well) about the surveillance state, don't go past little Bobby Wenlock.

Alternatively you could avoid this made-in-China crap like the plague, and get out of the capital for the duration of the corporate shillfest, and drink some red wine with good friends while comparing notes on who to put up against the wall-with-missiles-on-top when the revolution comes.

Finally, some of the criticism is more direct:

What a proud moment for the world of contrived, committee-built, focus-grouped-to-hell major event marketing merchandise.

So why did I buy one? Precisely because of its one-eyed creepiness. As a former PhD student in English Renaissance literature, I find much to love about the UK and am fascinated by its history. As a technology writer who has just wrapped up a book on how the Internet is policed, I'm also conscious of just how invasive online surveillance has become. Police Officer Wenlock combines both pieces of my life, and does so in a way that—as a bonus!—reminds me how making the police objects of fear and distrust changes their relationship with society. (Would you ask Police Officer Wenlock to point you in the direction of Marble Arch?)

So my unbalanced Officer Wenlock sits watching me from within his plastic shell on my bookshelf, watched over in turn by the ghost of George Orwell, who once wrote, "Every line of serious work that I have written since 1936 has been written, directly or indirectly, against totalitarianism and for democratic socialism, as I understand it. It seems to me nonsense, in a period like our own, to think that one can avoid writing of such subjects. Everyone writes of them in one guise or another."

Promoted Comments

And there is Eric Blair's great tragedy, that he saw so much but couldn't come to realize the contradiction of the phrase 'democratic socialism.'

You really haven't read 'The Road to Wigan Pier', have you?

Incidentally, I was a Primary Teacher for a spell. I had to teach an Olympics project to my class this year and I have to say that I was impressed with the fact that the pupils all knew the names of the mascots. Quite frankly, these are the oddest mascots I've ever seen. If you've ever been to a theme park and wanted to punch a fully-grown adult in a Mickey Mouse Costume, I do not recommend approaching the Olympic Park.

Seriously. You could spend an evening cuddled up in front of the PC with popcorn reading them!

"...So I went to wake my husband, but before I reached the bedroom door there was a blood curdling scream. I ran into the bedroom to find my husband insensible on the floor and Police Wenlock inserting himself into ... I'm sorry, I can't type for the tears.

A reader emails to point me to the official "making of the mascots" page. Turns out Wenlock really -was- designed to have a camera in his eye.

Too bad. I'd totally buy one now as a web cam. Put a little spike on the helmet. D'oh! Godwin!

Seriously, I think I want one now. They still for sale? That weird hyperdimensional box alone is worth it. It's like a Doctor Who villain. If gaze into the box at just the right angle, oh, such vistas and horrors you will witness...

Brilliant write-up. I have to ask: was it just by happenstance that Wenlock would choose to be stationed next to a collection of Orwell (props for owning the essays, BTW)? And, if it was on purpose, did he censor 1984?

And that poster is awesome, although probably not in the way the artists intended. Or maybe it was the intent? Hmm.

'Boris Johnson is Watching You'. (Especially if you're female).

Of course I don't know if the poster is Boris era or Ken era. Not that it makes a difference, since they both have the same CCTV policy. I never saw that poster in London, but what I did see (under both mayors) was yellow smiley faces on all the buses, saying "Smile! You're being Watched!".

What gets under my skin is the number *levels* the fucking smiley works on.

3 (intended audience?) Explicitly creepy; but reminds us that we like CCTV better than hoodies; a round-about way to make daringly intimate play on contemporary middle class fears. Clever. Artistic even.

Brilliant write-up. I have to ask: was it just by happenstance that Wenlock would choose to be stationed next to a collection of Orwell (props for owning the essays, BTW)? And, if it was on purpose, did he censor 1984?

You know it was on purpose (Nate took the photo.), but thanks for pointing it out. I hadn't noticed due to being hypnotized by Wenlock's single, creepy eye.

Seriously. You could spend an evening cuddled up in front of the PC with popcorn reading them!

You are evil! I had things to do and you completely derailed me by sending me off to read those "reviews." Fortunately, I knew what to expect so I refrained from consuming any fluids to prevent disastrous spit-takes.

Give me policemen who don't carry guns routinely within a very predominantly gun-free society and more recording cams in my area any day. Last year some woman who put a cat in a wheelie bin around the corner from me was caught, and not by any UK police state controlled CCTV, but by the webcam of a neighbour pointed at his front path. It made headlines around the world.

So does Wenlock Cop pack a gun ? No ? Well if cops carry guns where you live then have a long hard think about your own society.

"I never did very well at school. I wanted to learn and it felt like all the words I needed were right there in my head, but I just couldn't get them onto the paper in front of me. If I really pushed myself, I could sometimes manage to draw pretty flowers in the margins but this didn't please Sir and I was soon in all the bottom sets. What really confused me is that I had no problems in cookery or textiles. At the time I didn't understand why I could grip and use a wooden spoon or sewing needle but couldn't properly hold my black-coloured pen for more than 45 seconds without dropping it on the floor and weeping."

And there is Eric Blair's great tragedy, that he saw so much but couldn't come to realize the contradiction of the phrase 'democratic socialism.'

On the contrary, the great tragedy of contemporary American political consciousness is the inability to separate political systems, economic systems and social policies. In fact these issues are completely orthogonal. Democracy is not the same thing as laissez-faire capitalism. In a democracy the people can choose whatever economic systems and social policies they want -indeed that is the whole point of democracy. If the economic systems and social policies were pre-determined then there would be no reason to vote.

Much of the free world currently is lead by parties which have democratic-socialist and/or social-democratic values and philosophies (including my own country, Australia -c.f. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democrati ... _socialism). The efforts of successive American governments, both Democrat and Republican, to crush and overthrow democratic governments which adopt policies which are inconvenient to foreign capital (e.g. nationalization of natural resources) in the name of "democracy", especially in Latin America, remains a deep concern to the rest of the free world.

For a while, I thought I was the only person in the world who thought Wenlock & Mandeville were ace...

But more recently I realised I'm not, when everyone I know who had kids started saying things like "I thought they were nuts, but the kids think they're fantastic.". And having seen the children in the crowd during half-time at the Olympic hockey event I attended dancing along to the "Wenlock dance" on the big screen and having a wail of a time, I tend to believe them.

I'd say they hit the mark; they're designed for kids (and, err, big kids like me I guess) and their target audience seems to love them.

(Confession: I am now the proud owner of one each of large Wenlock and Mandeville plushies from years ago when they first came out, and one small gold olympics-venue-only Wenlock plushie. I fully expect to add a small paralympics-venue-only Mandeville after going to the Paralympic Ahletics next week...)

The Olympics have been bloody fantastic. Can't fault anything about them, best thing that happened to this country in years.

And there is Eric Blair's great tragedy, that he saw so much but couldn't come to realize the contradiction of the phrase 'democratic socialism.'

On the contrary, the great tragedy of contemporary American political consciousness is the inability to separate political systems, economic systems and social policies. In fact these issues are completely orthogonal. Democracy is not the same thing as laissez-faire capitalism. In a democracy the people can choose whatever economic systems and social policies they want -indeed that is the whole point of democracy. If the economic systems and social policies were pre-determined then there would be no reason to vote.

Much of the free world currently is lead by parties which have democratic-socialist and/or social-democratic values and philosophies (including my own country, Australia -c.f. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democrati ... _socialism). The efforts of successive American governments, both Democrat and Republican, to crush and overthrow democratic governments which adopt policies which are inconvenient to foreign capital (e.g. nationalization of natural resources) in the name of "democracy", especially in Latin America, remains a deep concern to the rest of the free world.

+^ I was going to snark about how capitalism and democracy are more fundamentally incompatible, but this response was actually a good one. On topic... why do the olympics even need a mascot? They are always both terrible and forgettable.

And there is Eric Blair's great tragedy, that he saw so much but couldn't come to realize the contradiction of the phrase 'democratic socialism.'

On the contrary, the great tragedy of contemporary American political consciousness is the inability to separate political systems, economic systems and social policies. In fact these issues are completely orthogonal. Democracy is not the same thing as laissez-faire capitalism. In a democracy the people can choose whatever economic systems and social policies they want -indeed that is the whole point of democracy. If the economic systems and social policies were pre-determined then there would be no reason to vote.

Much of the free world currently is lead by parties which have democratic-socialist and/or social-democratic values and philosophies (including my own country, Australia -c.f. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democrati ... _socialism). The efforts of successive American governments, both Democrat and Republican, to crush and overthrow democratic governments which adopt policies which are inconvenient to foreign capital (e.g. nationalization of natural resources) in the name of "democracy", especially in Latin America, remains a deep concern to the rest of the free world.