Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Arsenal vs. Tottenham is on ESPN2 at the moment of this writing. Not into soccer? Whatever. Read these two sentences from The Spoiler about an Arsenal midfielder: "Jack Wilshere has been caught out for steamrollering a pretty stripper behind his girlfriend's back. As everyone knows, the more mature footballers tend to favour prostitutes." Well duh. [Photo H/T Unprofessional Foul]

• Maurice Clarett believes in blessings from God. Maurice Clarett believes he's one of them [ESPN]. But Maurice Clarett's Omaha Nighthawks teammates believe in losing four straight to end the UFL season 3-5 amid talk of revolt over some sort of "fee" that sounds like a lot like a South Philly street tax. [Omaha World-Herald] Previously: Jeff Garcia and Maurice Clarett Make America A Sadder Place [Deadspin]

• "I have been a very public advocate for playing by the rules. When you don't play by the rules, these are the things that can happen," says Tennessee men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl on becoming the 8-game suspension/distraction from all that Cam Newton stuff. [The Tennessean]

Goodman stalks memorial or RIP sites on Facebook defacing them with crude pictures and comments. Most recently he's attacked Daron Richardson's page, the daughter of Ottawa Senators assistant coach Luke Richardson. She recently committed suicide. ... "I find it just plain funny to get some of the classic reactions that I solicit," said Goodman who claims to be 24 and from Albuquerque, New Mexico.

• Pat Burns led the New Jersey Devils to the Stanley Cup in 2003. Yesterday, he died.

After beating colon and liver cancer, Burns was diagnosed in 2009 with terminal lung cancer. In mid-September there had been rumors that Burns passed away. The news traveled quickly via the internet, prompting Burns to call friends with the message: "Tell them I'm not dead yet." [NJ.com]

RIP.
But was he quoting Python?

• La La says, Carmelo can stay in Denver. La La says, I like to decorate. [Westword] No word on what Kat Stacks thinks about all of this.