New; Jokes LOL

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Interesting computer / tech support related observations from the old days;

Tech Support: "How much RAM do you have in the computer?"
Customer: "32 megs."
Tech Support: "Are you using any RAM doubling software?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "So you have 16 megs of actual, physical RAM?"
Customer: "No. I have 8 megs. I installed [a RAM expanding product], and that gave me 16. I liked it so much I went out and got [another RAM expanding product]. So now I have 32."

Customer: "Do you people sell them megas?"
Salesperson: "Uh, sure, how much do you need, sir?"
Customer: "100!"
Salesperson: "I can only give you 64."
Customer: "Well, can't you throw in 26 more?"

Customer: "You people owe me a new computer."
Tech Support: "You're having trouble with your computer? What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I bought some memory from you people, and ever since I installed it into my computer, it's been doing nothing but making grinding noises, and nothing works anymore!"
Tech Support: "Grinding noises?? It shouldn't be doing that!"
Customer: "I know that! That's why you people owe me a new computer, and I'm going to charge you for lost downtime and my inconvenience."

[Grinding noises from SIMMs? This was a new one]

Tech Support: "Sir, did you install those chips yourself or did someone do it for you?"
Customer: "I'm not an idiot! I did it myself. I put them right in that slot in the front of the computer, smart alec."

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Tech Support: "What version of Eudora are you using?"
Customer: "Navigator 3.0."

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "How many pins does a sixteen-pin cable have?"

Customer: "I would like to place an order."
Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."
Customer: "Web site?"
Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."
Customer: "Where is the computer?"
Tech Support: "..."

Customer: "What does 'dual-core' mean?"
Salesman: "It basically means you have two computers in one. It also means you can plug your laptop into it."

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

TODAYS EMAIL .............As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's hiney.
It's the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, but
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck did stop here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world

beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.