KIRKUS REVIEW

A veteran psychologist explores why many adults fall into a
pattern of unfulfilling, harmful relationships.

Golomb (Trapped in the Mirror,
1995) has been in private practice since 1972, has a doctorate in clinical
psychology from New York University, and is certified in psychoanalysis and
psychotherapy. In this book, however, the author not only shares her
psychological expertise, she also relates her own personal experience: “I loved
those who could not love me.” Although she acknowledges established theories that
aim to explain the “serial addiction” of bad relationships, she notes that she
ultimately found answers by studying her own history, and she encourages readers
to do the same. Much of the discussion here focuses on the concepts of the
“freezing parent” and “frozen child”—a parent who is icy or even aggressive or
abusive, and a child who is, in a sense, paralyzed by this lack of warmth. Adult
children, she says, internalize both sides of this equation, falling into situations
in which they’re controlled, controlling, or switching between these two modes;
however, because of residual childhood confusion and deep-rooted, often
unconscious defenses, they’re often unaware of their problems’ origins. This
book, importantly, offers readers hope, as it encourages them to recognize
patterns, consider psychotherapy, and take initially frightening steps toward
seeking healthy, loving relationships. Some of the messages are repetitive, though,
offering many iterations of the idea that parent-child relationships shape patterns
that “trapped”adults need to
recognize. Some of the ideas here are repeated in different chapters using very
similar language, and this can be distracting or confusing at times. However,
one also gets the sense that some degree of this is intentional, as it’s similar
to how therapists reiterate themes in long-term therapy. The book’s use of
examples, however, is uneven; the first chapter recounts many specific scenarios
in great detail, but later parts of the book are more abstract.

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