You won't like them when they're angry. Ashlee and Sophia ... My Kitchen Rules

Last night on My Kitchen Rules, in a night of firsts, teams join forces ... which is not so much a first as a reality television staple, but it’s the first time on this show, this season, this week. OK? OK.

If the night before was a zoo then last night is a kitchen, and unless we all want elephant footprints in the butter, we are going to have to get out of this children’s joke book scenario.

Sophia is angry at Angela over the duck. We can tell because she is suddenly full of disdain and condemnation for her. A distinct change from her previous contempt and ridicule filled monologues.

So who - asks the faceless villain behind the MKR microphone - will face Ali and Samuel in tomorrow night’s elimination? The answer will come from what Manu calls the “toughest rapid cook-off in the history of My Kitchen Rules,” before the voice tells us the chefs will tonight pretend to be friends, and hopefully will pretend to be able to cook as well.

I can hardly wait.

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Post titles, each of the teams walk into the kitchen and tell us about what it’s like to walk into the kitchen. It is important to distinguish between this kitchen and all others in one important regard: In real life you walk into the kitchen when you are hungry, or after walking in you often become hungry. MKR’s kitchen can have quite the reverse effect.

Manu is all for a challenge, so he gives the teams 30 minutes to make a four-course meal, which he tells us is unheard of. Roast unicorn rump with an entree of pickled Dodo it is then. Oh wait, by “unheard of” he means somewhat unusual in terms of preparation time.

This will be the “toughest rapid cook off in the history of My Kitchen Rules”, we learn. Again. I’m hopeful universities will soon be offering degrees in the History of My Kitchen Rules. The subjects could include Statistics 101: How Many Contestants Can Fade Into Obscurity In Only A Year; Geography 201: Why “Asian Spice Girls” is a Tautology; and Criminal Defences 301: Battered Audience Syndrome.

As my attention is drawn back to the screen by Jake contemplating the use of convenience foods and a microwave, which we know will be fine as long as he doesn’t use a store bought curry paste, we learn that the big twist tonight is that the teams are going to be blended together then split in two.

Sadly this will not take place using one of the Kitchen Aid appliances so readily available.

The two teams are chosen by pre-ordained apron assignation. Together they apron-up for the battle of the allies of amateurism versus the axis of ineptitude. Black versus white. Lack of skill versus lack of skill.

Luke and Scott tells us that they are proud to be white, along with Ashlee and Sophia, Angela and Melina, and Dan and Steph.

Sam and Chris meanwhile are donning their Little Black aprons which are far more thinning, suitable for cocktail events and really make their eyes pop.

Sophia unilaterally decides that it is in the best interests of the team for her to be head chef and that is a happy coincidence, as the producers unilaterally decide that it's in the best interests of drama as well.

Over the wall, Jake has had leadership thrust upon him ... by him! And unifies team ninja behind the cause of not being deeply annoying. At least, by comparison.

Angela and Melina recognise teamwork is important in teams and propose that they and Ashlee and Sophia declare a truce for the evening, and even pretend to be friends. Ashlee and Sophia make it clear that they won’t ever (ever, ever, ever times infinity) be friends and that all they heard was "blah blah blah we surrender".

Wow, even the trash talk on this show is half-baked.

Back with the ninjas, Sam and Chris are making soup shooters as part of their Italian line up and Sam is making lame jokes about there being bones in Josh and Andi’s fish.

After everyone in the team has felt up the fish, Jake turns his mind to crafting a new dish called mashed chocolate. It is the same colour as chocolate ganache but the consistency of mum’s best potato side dish. Yummy and equally as inedible as a main or dessert.

Pete takes a moment to remind us that history is being made tonight and in a twist, the white group will now have to develop nuclear fusion, while the black group will cure cancer. Oh no wait, it’s still just a bunch of amateurs trying not to burn off their fingerprints or leave a thumb in a duck.

Dan and Steph aren’t worried about history tonight so much as geography as they have relocated South America to Asia for the purpose of this meal. They are kicking off with ceviche and in true colonial spirit, they have planted a flag in it and declared it is now an Asian dish. Wow, a group of white uniformed people with a selfish ill-informed attitude to cultural subtleties. We’re not making history tonight people, we’re reliving it.

The white team are also redefining good management practice as Ashlee and Sophia pull faces and insult their team members whenever they do ... anything. I’m kind of wishing one of the teams would sauté a shiv or initiate an egg-based coup right about now. Instead, Angela and Melina reveal their well disguised duck to their team. It’s disguised as charcoal.

Sophia is angry at Angela over the duck. We can tell because she is suddenly full of disdain and condemnation for her. A distinct change from her previous contempt and ridicule filled monologues.

Angela makes the snap decision to replace her duck with a new duck. One that, for example, doesn’t snap and disintegrate when you touch it. She is determined. We know this because she debates the decision at length with herself. She is still a little worried the new duck might let her down though. Yes, it’s the duck’s fault. Everyone knows those birds all try to self-immolate if left alone for a moment.

“Save the Duck” is Angela’s new catch phrase. It’s a campaign. She’s got bumper stickers. She’s got collection buckets. She’s got a duck suit for Manu to wear outside CBD offices. She’s probably focusing on too many things that aren’t cooking but in her case, the less she cooks, the better the team’s chances.

Away from the duck of doom, Elle is working on dessert and takes a moment to inform us that she’s a perfectionist. This comes as something of a surprise based on all available evidence. In fact her sponge is so shocked it sticks to the rack. Never lie to a sponge, they're so impressionable.

Time is up and Sophia presents her team’s meal, informing us that her menu is clean, refined and professional, which are exactly the adjectives I look for ... in architecture. Jake is old school. He refers to the black team’s meal as great. Gosh, it sounds almost edible.

Pete and Manu try Sam and Chris’s soup. It is essentially green salt soup, yet the boys worry they might be criticised for not having enough salt in it. The cow that is slowly licking at their saucepan in the background appears to be indicating that this might not be that much of a problem.

Manu has moved on and tells the team that he has never tried steak with a tomato and anchovy sauce. Nor has he been lied to profusely about a dish while he ate it, yet he gets the opportunity to tick both of these off his bucket list when Jake tells him the clearly heavy, creamy dish he’s consuming is nice and light.

Round at team white, it’s duck time. Angela has successfully saved the duck, but only in the sense that it is still probably able to take flight since it's so undercooked that it's quacking.

Sophia dishes up her beef, with a side of modesty, as she admits it is merely “perfection”, and not a plate that is empowered to grant wishes and make the infertile pregnant. That’s tomorrow night on My Kitchen Fertilises.

Luke worries a little when Manu’s response to trying his dessert is to admit it wasn’t what he was expecting. ‘What does this mean?’ he wonders. Either it means they expected you to be inept but you surprised them, or they thought you could cook but this dish is inedible, so win-win right? That’s OK, at least you’re pretty, Luke.

Stepping back from the teams and after a quick visit to the vomitarium, Pete and Manu pass judgment. First Black. They found the salt soup salty, the whiting delicious and the steak with tomato and anchovy sauce to be "yum". Jake and Elle’s Italian sponge and coffee-cream was deemed a nice way to finish a meal. All in all, Jake believes they’ve done enough to be safe. Those of us who have seen the white team’s duck of safety would tend to agree.

The white group’s ceviche was great, the duck’s skin was crispy while the slices in between were ... hmmm, duck sushi anyone? Manu takes issue with being served raw duck because he’s soooo old school. He suggests perhaps the raw slices could have been removed. Gosh. That’s why you watch this show; for those professional tips that only those who have worked in a commercial kitchen or who haven't walked around dragging their knuckles on the ground can tell you.

Sophia can’t believe what Angela has done. “They’re killing our life,” she says proving she can butcher English as well as food.

As for the rest of team white, Ashlee and Sophia’s marinated beef with lemon dipping sauce was pretty impressive it seems. Luke and Scott’s coconut sago with toasted peanuts rates a 10 from Pete in a hypothetical world where this meal is being scored. It was the star dish. It had presentation. It had texture. It had flavour.

It was better than Sophie and Ashlee’s dish which means it may have actually gotten Manu pregnant. But can it save the duck? Luke hopes that Manu can do what Angela couldn’t and put the two pieces of raw duck aside.

He can’t. Sophia threatens to get mad if she’s sent to the showdown and the producers hear her call ... and send her there.

"What will she be like when she’s mad?" they ask rubbing their hands together and hoping for more life killing.

"What will they be like when they’re sane and calm?" we ask without any expectation of ever finding out.

"The cease fire is over," declares Sophia as her eyes glow red. That was a cease fire?!

Angela and Melina decide to do something different in this round, so I’m guessing they’ll be actually cooking their dish. Proving once and for all that I will never learn from history.

The challenge is to create “a meal of ingredients that work in harmony”. It’s sad that Pete and Manu have reached the point where they’re trying to come up with new phraseology for “make it edible” in the hope the teams will understand.

Lamb and mint are so harmonious that two of the pairs – Luke and Scott and Dan and Steph – both choose to sing in key like baby sheep. You know when the healthy pair and the fatty meat king choose to cook the same dish, it’s either a great ad for lamb, or proof that the labels on some of these teams come off after the first run through the dishwasher.

Angela and Melina are making a hot and sour soup using chilli and lime. Their decision to cook an Asian dish is taken as a personal slight by Ashlee and Sophia, particularly as they are cooking in such close to proximity to “us - the Asian girls”. They then engage in what can only be thought of as White Apron supremacy when they ponder: “Why don’t they just stick to their foccacias?”

Changing topic, Sophia tells us that steamed fish and shallots are a sure thing. Having thusly besmirched the reputation of her ingredients, she then “stuffs the cavities of the fish” - which seems a little overly demonstrative of a point she’d already made.

While you may not want to see Ashlee and Sophia when they’re angry, you certainly don’t want to hear them angry, as they start making awful puns. This isn’t “Asian fusion” Sophia says of Angela and Melina, it's “confusion.”

Back at the lamb-off, Luke is doubting his crust. Too much time away from "work" on the beach I guess. He’s also doubting the entire meal since he's discovered that the lamb is as raw as duck. After some collaboration, Luke and Scott come up with a cunning plan ... they’re going to put it back in the oven. Crumbs chief, where do they come up with these devilish contrivances!?

Angela and Melina tell us they are in over their heads with their soup, which gives a whole new meaning to the idea of throwing themselves into their work. It also brings to mind a cannibal’s pot; a theme to proceedings that I hadn’t anticipated.

Sophia tells us she could be in trouble as she hasn’t got any reserve tanks, which Pete points out is a classic blunder; the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia”.

Dan and Steph are also worried that their lamb might be raw and I’m beginning to wonder if anyone checked if the ovens were actually switched on. Still, it's serving time so they don’t get to emulate Luke’s convoluted "cook it some more" plan.

When Pete and Manu try Dan and Steph’s lamb, it looks very pink. When Pete and Manu try Luke and Scott’s, it looks ... about the same. Manu asks Luke if he’s happy that he put meat everywhere, which seems like a bit of an oversimplification of a personal trainer’s work – then Manu clarifies that he just means there’s meat in the crust, in the potatoes and in the, erm, meat.

Angela and Melina have fished themselves out of their dish just in time to articulate the “million things” that they also put in their soup, none of which they can actually list. “This is our interpretation” of the soup, they tell Pete and Manu. If Pete and Manu’s faces are anything to go by, the United Nations will not be calling on the girls for translation duty.

It’s decision time. According to Manu, “one team will have to fight for their lives” against Ali and Samuel, which seems extreme but could at least make for a more interesting episode.

First, the good news. Ashlee and Sophia have “done it again” with a faultless dish. So, no good news then. “We’re perfect,” Ashlee tells us, in an effort to make sure no one accidentally starts liking them.

At the other end of the scale, Angela and Melina had too many ingredients, in a not particularly shocking turn of events. Their dish’s harmony sounded more as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

As for the wannabe shepherds, Dan and Steph got their lamb bang on, with a good hint of mint. Luke and Scott got their lamb cooked ... just. Manu does point out that it was “a little bit too much on the plate”, which is just enough nonsensical criticism to give Angela and Melina a plausible reason for the audience to fear that they may live to poison another day.

Ashlee and Sophia take a moment to sink the boot in (a size 18 Doc Martin in black transitioning to purple we assume), before Angela and Melina are confirmed as the sudden-death candidates. “Thank God!” says Ashlee.

And for the first time in my life, I actually agree with her.

Finally, Angela tells us, apropos of nothing, that her husband is a boxer. But it is she, who he most fears fighting, particularly if she’s wielding any of her cooking one presumes.

196 comments

Anyone who has watched the show since the "gatecrashers" came in has been wanting one thing ever since - Ashlee and Sophia gone. Tonight they resorted to sabotage in order to get rid of Angela and Melina. As much as I like Ali and Samuel, I would LOVE to see Angela and Melina win tomorrow night's sudden death cook-off and then throw it in the "Asian Spice Girls'" faces!

Commenter

gjh

Location

Sydney

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 8:07PM

Not really, I enjoy seeing Ashlee's act and the words from her mouth were entertaining.I wouldn't keep watching this if Ashlee and Sophie have gone

Commenter

Go

Location

melbourne

Date and time

March 14, 2013, 6:10AM

I'm waiting for the "nunchakus" episode. Quentin Tarantino will be guest director.

Commenter

Malik the magic sheep

Location

Sydney

Date and time

March 14, 2013, 7:38AM

Me too. When the Spice Girls were on they were the kind of team I loved to hate, but I simply hate Ashlee and Sophia. They add no entertainment value (for me anyway) and I wish they would be eliminated already.

Although, I'm not a huge fan of Angela and Melina either so I'd love Ali and Samuel to win tonight. Those guys are great.

In all reality show, they have to have bitchy contestants or judge. we hate them but we love them too.. thats the fact.

Commenter

jam

Location

perth

Date and time

March 14, 2013, 8:26AM

It is refreshing to see these young women speak their mind without being gagged by political correctness. I would prefer people say it than have a nice smiling face covering the opposite feelings. I do like Ashlee and Sophia's authenticity. The young Indian women were a scream, full of personality. Jake too is full of personality. I miss the Australia which had big characters who were themselves and so funny. The ashen blanket of stifling political correctness has destroyed the spirit of people by making them depressed and so much smaller than they could be. Good on these young women for breaking free of these stultifying constraints, and good luck to the!

Commenter

Go girls!

Location

Date and time

March 14, 2013, 8:39AM

Not at all! I want Ashlee & Sophia to win. They add a bit of spunk to what would be an otherwise bland program. Their comments, although insulting, are absolutely hilarious.The other contestants are about as exciting as watching grass grow. Go get 'em girls !!

Commenter

Rick

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

March 14, 2013, 8:54AM

I'm sorry but I'm asian and from the looks of what those two asian chicks cook up, it's not very impressive to me.