Amanda: [as Alyssa] Ladies and gentlemen, normally i'd be tickled to play a selection from... [briefly looks at the music book: "Frederic Chopin- Eight Pieces for the Piano"] ...Chopin, but in honor of my new stepmother, whom I absolutely adore, I decided to play a little something of my own.

Diane: [to the main office of child services on the phone] Let me just run this by you one more time, okay? Please, just hear me out, one more time. Okay. I know I don't make that much money, and I know that I'm a little bit single, but I want to adopt Amanda. [hears laughter on the other end] No, I... Are you laughing at me? [to Patty] He's laughing at me! [to phone] You... YOU STUPID JERK! [hangs up in fury]

Clarice: This is all YOUR fault!

(she's about to slap Amanda (posing as Alyssa) but is stopped by Vincenzo)

Vincenzo: (furiously) Lady, if you touch that child, I'll POP you one, so help me God!

(Clarice storms off and sees the real Alyssa, then Amanda, and she does a double take)

Clarice: Oh, my God! There's 2 of them! It's a conspiracy! (laughs and smiles) Well, at least I'll get to hit one of you.

(she reaches over to slap Alyssa, but Diane stops her)

Diane: HEY! Back off, "Barbie". And by the way, you have a little bit of tiny bit of something right here on your teeth.

(she points to Clarice having lipstick on her teeth)

Clarice: I have never been more humiliated in my LIFE!

(she heads out the door, when...)

Alyssa: Wanna bet?

(she steps on Clarice's wedding gown, and reveals her underpants in front of everybody in the church, making them all laugh)

Clarice: Oh, my God! (shrieks) Daddy! (runs out) Oh, my God!

[Diane storms into the office after after Alyssa, as Amanda, was "adopted" by the Butkises]

Diane: You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!

Jerry: They had the paperwork!

Diane: What paperwork?!

Patty: [hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?!

Diane: I would have! [drops the paperwork] I'm takin' the Jeep! [takes the keys to the Jeep]

Jerry: Hey, that's the camp's!

Diane: [furiously] Oh, don't you even...! [storms off]

Alyssa: [to Amanda] Told ya, third time's the charm.

Roger: W-wait a minute. All of this? This was your doing?

[both Amanda and Alyssa nod their heads in unison]

Diane: Oh, it WAS, was it?

[the girls nod their heads in unison again]

Roger: Well, ladies, what do you have to say for yourselves?

Amanda and Alyssa: So kiss already!

[after the macaroni spills on Roger's head, Diane laughs and snorts as quietly as she can]

Roger: Excuse me, ma'am. Did you just snort?

[Diane shakes her head, snorts, and laughs again]

Roger: I suppose you think this us funny? [picks up a butterknife w/a bit of butter on it] Well, maybe you'll get a little chuckle outta this.

Diane: You wouldn't dare.

[Roger flings the butter on her; Diane yelps]

Diane: FOOD FIGHT!!!

[a food fight breaks out]

[Roger and Vincenzo see Amanda as Alyssa banging on the piano keys at the engagement party]