15 Reasons to Date a Paramedic

Once again, a strategically placed Facebook ad has led me to an eHarmony page. This time, the link read “15 Reasons to Date a Paramedic.” Naturally, I was curious what these reasons were. Not because I need to know even more reasons about why I’m so datable, but because I was intrigued to see what the eHarmony folks came up with.

They were a little off with some of their reasons, so I added some commentary to help clarify.

You’ll literally be dating a lifesaver.

Well, technically, I suppose that’s true, depending on how “lifesaver” is defined. Realistically, “Life Prolonger” would be better and much easier to qualify. “Prolonging” also covers dialysis patients and those pesky wait-and-return runs. This way it includes the private transfer service peeps, too.

Paramedics are methodical and quick-thinking — and don’t panic in an emergency.

Not all paramedics are methodical or quick-thinking. I’ve met quite a few, both medics and EMTs, who didn’t appear to think very much at all, let alone quickly or methodically. Most can think relatively quick, or they ask a bunch of medical-sounding questions and use random and out-of-context medical jargon to give the appearance that they’re thinking quickly and methodically.

Because paramedics know how to diffuse panic, your date will likely know how to gently calm you down on stressful days.

Panic is diffused by using a soothing Barry White sounding voice and intra-nasal Versed, especially if you’re vocally disadvantaged. I’m mildly confident that there may be a few legality issues with this method of stress relief though.

Paramedics really appreciate a break from the stress. Your back rubs, listening ear and laid-back plans for days off will be greatly appreciated.

Okay, this one is actually pretty good, as long as that “listening ear” is hearing HIPAA-compliant conversations.

Speaking of HIPAA, wanna hear a joke?

Knock knock.

Who’s there? HIPAA.

HIPAA who? I can’t tell you.

That’s the only HIPAA joke in existence because HIPAA isn’t funny.

Your date won’t be easily grossed out. If you pass out, throw up, or get a nosebleed, he/she won’t run the other way.

Contrary to popular belief, many EMS personnel have issues dealing with vomit and bodily fluids. It’s not uncommon for the EMS provider to blow chunks on a scene or in the truck with a patient on the stretcher while the EMS crew is sitting in the airway seat.

Paramedics, well aware of human fragility, want to live life to the fullest.

Um…Maybe? I wasn’t aware that knowing about human fragility and wanting to fully live life were that connected. But hey, as long as it sounds good on a bumper sticker or t-shirt, right?

They excel in the area of mouth-to-mouth.

Well, kind of. There isn’t ever any actual “mouth to mouth” in the EMS field anymore; people are gross and disease-ridden. It would be more accurate to say that we excel in the area of placing special breathing tubes in the mouths/throats of people and using bag devices. But mentioning special tubes and bags could also be considered a little euphemistic.

Paramedics know the importance of timeliness. If you can’t stand tardiness, a paramedic just might be for you. In their line of work, time is always of the essence.

Negative, Ghost Rider. Yes, timing is important, but like all other fields of work, plenty of people in EMS have no concept of time whatsoever.

Not confident behind the wheel? Your date will likely be a good driver — and have a pretty great sense of direction, too.

No. A couple of common phrases used in EMS are “I’m sorry, these roads are kind of rough” and “I’m sorry, this truck rides like a roller coaster.” In reality, the driver just isn’t very good at driving or knowing where they’re going.

Paramedics work long hours, are often on-call, and can bail on plans because of unavoidable overtime. If you’re independent and fairly flexible, the time you do spend together will feel intentional and valued.

That’s fair, but shouldn’t the time spent together with the significant other be intentional and valued anyway?

Your date can probably help you danger-proof your life a little. Goodbye, household hazards.

Nope. It’s more fun to leave household hazards in place (carbon monoxide and non-functional bathroom ventilation fans aren’t that big of a deal). It’s exciting to live life on the edge.

At parties, your date will have some pretty great cautionary tales to share.

“Cautionary tales,” also called “share your horror stories of GI bleeds and diabetic foot amputations to gross the party guests out.” It’s like a game.

Cut yourself while making dinner and not sure if you need stitches? Date a paramedic and you’ll never have to wonder how to treat a wound again.

All wounds are treated basically the same: Irrigate, wrap, take some Midol, get a signature.

Paramedics understand the importance of partnership and loyalty.

This one is also okay, but shouldn’t everyone know the importance of partnership and loyalty?

Paramedics are strong. If you have fantasies of being carried over the threshold, your date is likely physically up to the task.

That is horribly inaccurate. EMS has a very high percentage of personnel who are morbidly obese and not strong at all. Whoever wrote this list probably confused “paramedic” with “firefighter,” even though not all of those are overly muscular, either. Except me, I’m basically 6’2” and 240lbs of shredded muscle.