'Before we are entirely convinced that they aren't true, we must reject the message of our wounds. It's a way of unlocking the door to Jesus. Agreements lock the door from the inside. Renouncing the agreements unlocks the doors to Him.'
Captivating

Friday, February 27, 2009

He is jealous for meLove's like a hurricane,I am a treeBending beneath the weight of His wind and mercyWhen all of a sudden,I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory andI realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us soOh, how He loves usHow He loves us so.Yeah, He loves usOh, how He loves usOh, how He loves usOh, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyesIf grace is an ocean we're all sinkingSo heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chestI don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,Oh, how He loves usOh, how He loves usOh, how He lovesHe loves us,Oh, how He loves usOh, how He loves usOh, how He loves

Friday, February 20, 2009

Kerri and I are doing this book together, and this was one of the pages.

I identify with the following Bible character:Martha

I identify with that character because:I am a server as well, and I have been scolded in the past for serving instead of doing otherthings.

If I had the opportunity to invite any Bible character(s) other than Jesus for lunch, I would invite:Mary (Jesus' mother), Mary Magdalene, Ruth, Esther, Lazarus, John, James, Pontius Pilate,the thief who went to heaven with Jesus, Barabas, the guard at the crucifiction who said "Hetruly is the Son of God"

I would serve:All kinds of fruit, bread, and mac & cheese

I hope we would talk about:Anything and everything under the sun

My favorite Bible character sends me emails as a way of passing on his or her life experience to me personally. Today the message was:Whatever it is that God asks or tells you to do, do it willingly and without question regardlessof what the outcome is for yourself.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sunday, for the first time, I had a prophetic word spoken over me during church. First I will write down what was said, and then I will give my thoughts on it.

"The Lord just kinda showed me a few things, umm..., He just showed me that you have a lot of love for people. Like there's just a lot there. There's times when it's really overwhelming, like all the sudden it just comes up and it's just, you just have this, you just want to cry for people and you just don't know where it's coming from. Like, what is this? ummm...and there's a couple points of confusion there that the Lord just really wants to address for you today. He just really wants to resolve it in your heart that first of all it's something that's really from Him. It's something that He has a real purpose for and there's a direction that He's going to take you uhh in with that. And, and it's all for a purpose so it's good, it's really good. And, and, but there's sometimes where there's confusion that comes up because you feel this overwhelming love for people. And, and uhh I don't know if it's a particular people, group or whatever but you don't neccesarily feel it from other people, sometimes. And uhhh you almost feel like you, you have this really heavy bag on one shoulder, and you're kind of off kilter like, like you have this overwhelming love for people and you just don't know how to express it, what to do with it. But then you don't neccesarily feel it from other people sometimes, and the Lord just want to break that in you right now. Lord Jesus I just ask for a release, in Jesus name, in her mind and in her emotions. Lord Jesus that You would just break even that spirit of confusion that, that would try to uhh that would try to speak lies into her mind and, and would try to tell her that she's not loved. In Jesus' name I proclaim you loved by your brothers and sisters in the Lord and I just speak a release to that area where she just can't find that breakthrough. The feelings might not be there, but you're loved in Jesus name. And Father I just ask for Your love to just pour over her Lord God, a new relationship of love between You and her where she would find all of her needs met in Jesus name."

I don't think I can express how long I have been waiting and wanting for a word from God. Since I was around 13 or 14, I have wanted a prophetic word from God in the worst way. To know that He sees me and loves me. There have been times in my life where I have prayed for this and times where I have given up hoping for it to happen. On Sunday, I was not expecting anything. In fact I was having a hard time really getting into worship. I don't know why, but for some reason I was having a hard time focusing. So near the end of worship a guy who is known to have the gift of prophecy comes toward me. Now usually when I see someone who has this gift I hope that they are coming for me. But when I saw this guy, it just did not occur to me that that was what he was coming to do. Even when he started speaking this word to me it didn't really sink in. Now I just want to say that this guy did not previously know about certain things he said about me. Specifically the part about me not feeling love from other people. It's not really something I just go around telling people. Only a couple people really know this about me. Well, now more know about it. lol!

Ok, so the first part. "...you have a lot of love for people. Like there's just a lot there. There's times when it's really overwhelming, like all the sudden it just comes up and it's just, you just have this, you just want to cry for people and you just don't know where it's coming from. Like, what is this? " When I was younger I used to cry all the time, and 90% of the time I had no idea why I was crying. Unfortunately, through many things, it was impressed upon me that I needed to have a reason to cry otherwise I shouldn't. So I learned to hide this and keep it at bay, or I would find a reason to cry and use that. I'm not blaming the people who implied this, it's just that in my mind that is what I got from it. Over the years, though, that feeling has come up off and on, especially while I'm at school for some reason. Now I have an explanation for it. "He just really wants to resolve it in your heart that first of all it's something that's really from Him. It's something that He has a real purpose for and there's a direction that He's going to take you uhh in with that. And, and it's all for a purpose so it's good, it's really good. " Another thing, I HAVE A PURPOSE!!!! I know this seems silly becasue everyone has a prupose, but sometimes I really feel like I'm not living out that purpose. That instead I'm just some lump on the globe that is waiting til the end. My calling is another thing that I have really wanted to know about. I don't have it yet, but I feel like I'm one step closer to finding out.

Second part. "...but there's sometimes where there's confusion that comes up because you feel this overwhelming love for people. And, and uhh I don't know if it's a particular people, group or whatever but you don't neccesarily feel it from other people, sometimes. And uhhh you almost feel like you, you have this really heavy bag on one shoulder, and you're kind of off kilter like, like you have this overwhelming love for people and you just don't know how to express it, what to do with it. But then you don't neccesarily feel it from other people sometimes, and the Lord just want to break that in you right now. " So this, this is true. I know that I am loved by others, but there's a difference between knowing and really feeling that love. For some reason I am a feeling person. I want to 'feel' love from, not only other people, but from God. Here's the problem, God is not a feeling and I know that, but it's hard for me to accept (?) the knowledge that He loves me when I don't feel that love. The same goes for people. I have a hard time believing someone when they say "I love you" if I don't 'feel' that love. I'm not sure I'm explaning this in a way that you are going to understand. And I'm not saying that when I do something for someone out of love I expect something in return. The reason I do things out of love is to simply just do that, with no return or recognition of what I did at all. Ahhhhh! I feel like this could come off really wrong! Anyway, what was said is true...end of story.

Now at one point while this guy was talking and praying for me, I was absolutely positive that he said a particular something. But when I went back and listened to what was actually said, it wasn't there. Here's what I know I heard but is not on the CD - "Even though you don't 'feel' God's love, He does love you and He wants you to know that". Now when I was listening to the CD and didn't hear this, I wondered for a moment if I really did hear it. But ya know what? Even though that wasn't part of what was recorded, I know it was said. In my spirit I know it because the word 'feel' was used; a word that means a lot to me. Going back to a previous paragraph, I have wanted for a long time to be told through prophecy that God loves me. Just to hear from Him makes all the difference, and that is why I can't just shrug it off and say I was hearing things because it's true one way or the other. God does love me even though I don't 'feel' it, He really does and that just brings me so much joy. There are so many other things I could say about this prophetic word, but I don't have the words to express it and give it the credit it deserves. All I can do is say Mmmmmmmmmmmm <3

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"Teaching is like a solider on the front lines in a battle." This is what my SBTE told me the other day. I'm not really sure I agree with her though. I do agree that teaching is hard, but a solider in battle? There are things a solider goes through on the battle field that no one else can even imagine unless they've been there themselves. Who's to say that a teacher has a harder job than a farmer? Every job has it's difficulties and each difficulty is different than the next.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

First off, I just need to say that I absolutely hate driving in Rochester and I don't think I could ever live there. I'm sure that if I did live there, after a while, I would be able to navigate without getting hopelessly lost, unlike yesterday. Yesterday was my first day observing in an inner city school. Actually, it was my first time experiencing the inner city by myself ever. I had started out driving to my destination at 9:30. Now normally it would only take about 30-40 minutes to reach where I was going. I didn't arrive until 11:00. First I missed the inner loop sign, so I had to turn around and try to find it again. Then it took me almost an hour to actually find the school that I needed to be at. Finding the street wasn't the hard part, I found that pretty easily, it was trying to figure out how to get to the school itself. See, for some ridiculous reason there are gates around the possible entrances to the school. They only open twice during the day, when the buses come to drop kids off and pick them up. So I could see the school, but I couldn't get to it. So I drove around and around the surrounding streets trying to find a way to the school. Eventually, I don't know how, I found the one place to drive up to the school.

Since I have never been to an inner city school, I didn't realize that the doors are always locked. So you can imagine my frustration when I went to open the doors and they wouldn't budge. Thankfully I found the button on the side of the wall that you had to push in order for the office to let you in.

I was already completely overwhelmed and frustrated with being lost for what seemed like forever and not knowing what to do, when I now have to find the room where I am to observe. The school isn't terribly big and I figured someone form the office would take me to the classroom I was supposed to be in like I had heard other secretaries do for other observers in other schools. Not so for me. I was given a harsh response and directions to where the classroom was. The only problem was, the lady who gave me directions got the last part of it wrong. I ended up going down the wrong hallway and just ended up figuring out which direction I needed to be going based solely on the fact that I had the room number.

One thing that I was worried about with my placement is that I would be the only white girl. This doen't mean I'm racist, it just means that I know some black people are sensetive to having white people around and I don't want to accidentally say or do something that would be offensive. There are a couple white teachers in the school, but I only saw one white child and she wasn't in my grade. I really wonder what my Student Based Teacher Educator (SBTE) thought of me. Here I was a white girl who really didn't know what I was supposed to be doing in a class full of inner city kids. Let me tell you, inner city schools are soooooo different from schools like Brockport and Woodstock. There is hardly any love given to these children. They are constantly snapped at and yelled at all day because the don't listen if you talk to them nicely. The threat "do I need to call your Father or Mother" was used so may times to inflict fear into the kids so they would do what they were supposed to. Sometimes even that wouldn't work, the child would simply sit quietly and rebel instead.

One girl opened my eyes to the kind of life that they live. The teacher was teahcing the kids about words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and the kids had to write sentences for each pair. One of the words was tie, like the one a guy wears. This little girl, who's in 2nd grade, turns to me and says, as nonchalantly as you can get, "My Daddy was wearing a tie when he was shot. I think he was 31 or 29 when he was shot, but he was wearing a tie". The most important thing to her in that story was the fact that her Dad was wearing a tie, the fact that he was shot was inconsequential. I looked at her not knowing what to say. What was I supposed to say? "What color was it" just didn't seem appropriate.

Another thing that totally blew my mind was the fact that some of the children went most of the day with doing absolutely no schoolwork. They refused to do it and the teacher didn't even ask them to. It was like it was a silent known fact that some kids aren't 'smart enough' to do it. How else are they supposed to learn if you don't sit down and help them? Now I know that it is really hard to help all the kids in one class, but just because it's hard doesn't mean you can ignore it completely. I can't be too critical of this, though, because I've only been there one day. There may be other issues with those specific children that I don't know about, and I don't want to put the teacher down either. This is her first year teaching this age level, but she has been teaching for 16 years. I don't know.At the end of the day, the teacher and I had a couple minutes to talk before she had to run to a meeting. She pointedly told me that I shouldn't laugh with the children. For those of you that know me, you can understand how unlike me that is and how hard it will be for me to try. But her reasoning behind this was that I need to be the authority and if I laugh with them, then they no longer think of me as the authority. I've never had this problem with other children before. In fact I have found that many children like it when adults laugh with them, it's a way to bond and have fun. Smiling is the only thing these teachers do to show these children they are having fun. And even then, I only saw maybe one or two teachers smile at their students. As I walked down the halls with the children, I would smile at those we passed. Some of the children would return the smile, but the teachers didn't. They walked down the halls with scowls on their faces making sure their children stayed in line and did what they were told when they were told. How horrible, in my mind, to go around scowling all the time to let children know that you are the authority. Can't you be the authority and still smile and have fun with the children? I have so much more that I could say about yesterday, but I think this post is long enough.

We were trying to figure out what the difference was between this commercial and some of the other commercials that were aired during the game. If the reason they didn't accept it was because they didn't want children to see it, then there are some others that they shouldn't have shown. All the Super Bowl commercials can be seen at: http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/