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Sunday, September 30, 2007

People ask me how I continue to do it? How do I go on without Noah? The title above sums up my life because it's literally how I have to do this.

I got an email from a woman who recently lost her mom unexpectedly. To protect her situation and identity, I won't share the details of her email, but I will share some of what I wrote to her in response to the question of how to heal because in writing it, God showed me that I don't have to be whole in order to encourage others...

I am so sorry that your mother died. I am sorry you guys don’t get to talk everyday. I am sorry that your heart and so many others around you even have to experience sadness and loss.

Please forgive me because I don’t want to come across as trying to tell you and your family how to grieve. The reality is there is no ‘right’ way to grieve and there isn’t only one way. The truth is no one but God understands your heart. Your brother and sister had different relationships with your mom than you did. Your dad had a different relationship with his wife, your parents with their daughter, your kids with their grandmother, not to mention your mom’s siblings and her friends, colleagues, etc. I am grateful that early on Jason and I realized that even though we shared the blessing of being Noah’s parents, we were both going to experience loss differently. In light of this, it has allowed us to see that each day will be different and that some days he’ll be down and I’ll be hopeful, and other days it will be reversed, and we have to allow each other to ‘do’ one day at a time.

After reading your email I was so sad because you seem to be bearing the weight of everyone’s grief, and that is not your job. I also wonder if everyone expects this of you or if you feel responsible for everyone’s hearts? The thing with sadness and grief is that the emotions are real and quite raw, but when they are stuffed or stifled from being able to be felt in a healthy way, bitterness and depression take root, and those feelings are more difficult to live with than the grief.

(This stood out to me because I see that many people often feel responsible to help others through their grief when they are in need of walking their own journey through it. As a result, their healing is pushed to the back burner and often times never is addressed. Another thing that came to my mind is that when we try to keep people 'happy' or cheered up, rather than allowing true feelings and emotions to run their course, it stifles healing. When we feel compelled to cheer others instead of sitting quietly with them while they have a good cry, what we are saying is that their feelings make us uncomfortable.)

Anyway, the other day my sister looked at me and asked me how I do it everyday. We had just walked into Noah’s nursery which is still set up for resale purposes. She asked if it killed me to not have his room changed. I told her that I don’t go in there often, but sometimes I will, just to look at his cute blanket, or sit in the rocker to pray, or to look in his closet at the cute clothes. I have his pictures in my Bible, along with his footprints and hand prints stamped on one of the last pages. The way I do it everyday is only with God’s strength. Honestly, if I hadn’t drawn close to God in Noah’s sickness and in his death, I would have wanted to stop living myself. I suppose that is still my choice as it is yours and everyone around you, but that is what the devil wants us to do…if we will fear death, get angry at God, and stop living life with purpose, the devil wins. I know you said that you believe in God, so let me tell you this, LITERALLY, God cares that you lost your mom, that your heart misses her every minute of everyday. He gets it. The thing about God that I didn’t know earlier in my walk with Him is that He’s not a big thing in the sky that has no vested interest in the lives of His creation. He feels our sadness because the Bible says that Jesus was tempted with everything that mankind was ever tempted with. The Lord also feels our pain because He didn’t want us to have to experience death. (Jesus didn't stuff his real emotions when Lazarus died. He bawled.)

Loss is important to remember. Your mom will ALWAYS be your mom! Noah will always be my son, whether he is in Heaven or in my physical arms, that relationship won’t ever change, the location did, though. There will always be things that remind you of your mom. When those times come to me, like today at church I heard a new baby cry, I couldn’t stop my own tears. I have heard babies cry countless times since Noah died. I allowed myself to miss him and then I thanked God for Noah. When those times come, allow yourself to remember and your kids to remember. Art works for Emily as well as looking at pictures and talking to God about Noah…For me, writing my blog, Noah’s book, and sharing his story with others has helped me with my healing and given me eternal perspective. What will help you, only you will know.

From what I gather from your email and your relationship with your mom, she died loved. To be loved is a powerful thing and to give love is difficult but so fulfilling.

(There was a bit more I shared. As I walk this path, I pray others will be encouraged to face grief and walk through it, knowing that it's not a road that has to be walked alone but that with the Lord, it is possible to put one foot in front of another, one day at a time.)

Friday, September 28, 2007

One, I have been listening to Jeremy Riddle's album, Full Attention, non-stop for a week. On my solo retreat I had a mix CD that my friend Mandy made for our Bible study group. There were a few of his songs on it, but at the time I didn't know they were by him. Music has always been a powerful thing in my life because often the songwriter says exactly what my heart yearns to cry out to God. Jeremy Riddle hits the nail on the head with 'More than a Friend'. If you have it or are looking for music that will rock your world and draw you closer to your knees, at the feet of God, hit repeat, close your eyes and listen. The whole album is amazing, but it's this song that keeps allowing me glimpses of Noah and Jesus hanging out right now, and the depth of trust I walk in daily knowing we made the right choice with Noah's life and death...

Two, Jason and I are starting grief counseling on Monday night. It's a group setting of other parents that have lost children while at TCH Denver over the last 18 months. It sucks to have this in common with other parents and families. No, I'm not doing back flips, but I think it will be, oh what's the word, it will be necessary? good? therapeutic? nauseating? healing? helpful? crappy? Oh, so many more words come to mind, but it's the next step, I suppose. I'll share as I know that many who have lost loved ones debate this choice on a daily basis. The reason that I continue this blog and continue to face my grief everyday is because if I don't move forward in pursuit of God and healing, I'll be further away from holding Noah. If I allow my heart to become cold and bitter, by the time I see him, it won't be sweet anticipation, it will be anticlimactic...

Monday, September 24, 2007

I've been meditating on this verse a lot in recent days. The context is discussing the year of the Lord's favor, but if we think about the principle and how it relates to many of the parables Jesus shared, it is totally awesome, yet bears much responsibility...

Much of Matthew 13 talks of planting, sowing, and reaping or harvesting. Imagine if the seeds Jesus was talking about were tree seeds and the farm a tree farm. The seed (before genetic modification - don't get me started) has one job and knows what to do. It knows its purpose is to become a tree, whatever species, but a tree in the farmer's field for the purpose of growing and giving off oxygen, a place for birds to rest, something beautiful to look at, and to produce more seeds. A tree seed doesn't think it's supposed to be a shrub or tomato plant. It does not know any different message than to become a tree.

When I think about the Scripture in Isaiah, "...a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor" I can't help but think that we have been strategically placed here on earth by God, regardless of how we got here, no matter the circumstances, not by man's will but God's strategy to display His splendor through our lives. You see, God does not screw up. We are the ones that make mistakes, but never too big that He can't display Himself through us. He wants us to be a reflection of Himself...the question is, "Do we want Him to be seen in us or do we think doing life our own way (genetic modification) is better in the grander scene?"

A tree grows in many directions. We witness above the surface growth that first takes place in the quiet of the soil. Without sturdy roots seeking out water for life, a tree is easily topsy turvy. I know, because I lived in Arizona while growing up and palm trees are shallow rooted trees that fall down easily. As followers of Christ, often times we look around and expect instantaneous trees from those around us, as well as ourselves. When we judge our brothers and sisters, taking an ax to their trunks, we expect to see several rings of years of growth represented. Our job isn't to cut other trees down. Our job is to water. It's obvious when other trees aren't fruitful, yet it's not our job. What if we are growing alongside our neighbor and our tree is full of foliage, blocking the sun from shining on our neighbor? Are we willing to receive the pruning we so desperately need because of overgrowth? Some trees are just big and would serve the display of His splendor better with some pruning. Meanwhile, are our roots seeking the Source of Life, establishing a firm foundation? The growth above the surface will come only if the growth below the surface starts first, and continues...roots don't stop seeking water for life because if they do, the tree dies.

When we begin wishing our tree had the same amount of branches, same leaf formations and veins, identical amounts of rings as the tree next door, without even knowing it, it may become covetous. We want that tree transplanted in our yard to make us look better, when it was planted down the street for a purpose by the Arborist for His reasons.

Individually the responsibility is to seek God above all else. One on one, we are to fan into flame the gifts that God has deposited into others, not wish we had them instead. It calls for us blessing and not cursing. The responsibility of God's truth in His word calls us to sharpen one another and allow ourselves to be sharpened. It calls us to humble ourselves and pray.

Corporately the responsibility is to do the same. There will always be a church down the street, across town, on the other side of the country, that is bigger, smaller, does praise and worship or focuses more on outreach or Sunday school or cell groups differently than your own house of worship. There will always be Christians that disagree on whether we should use weed eater or be organic, whether the youth department is more important or outreach to the nursing home. Instead of focusing on the fact that we are undeniably different in the way we use the gifts God has deposited in us, we as the Bride of Christ need to start praying for that church down the street. Think of the church in town that drives you the craziest and pray for that one. Yes, and especially the one that is abusing the name of God. Go to your pastor, priest, to the lay people and tell them you are starting to pray for such and such a church and watch their reaction. If they are opposed to praying for another church or group, I'd be a little nervous.

Only with God can we do a proper soil test in our lives to know if we are living in an optimum growth environment. Some of us need pruning, others need some growth poles with wire around our trunks for supports, others need acidity or alkaline tests, others are trying to thrive amongst weeds and we need to pray for their fight, some are the weeds...The way we fertilize our soil is by watering it with God's word. The way we fertilize others' soil is by doing the same. Personal opinions don't fertilize.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

GRR Blog Day 3: Today after being in town for a couple of hours, sharing Noah’s story with a couple random strangers and buying Emily a pink cowgirl belt, I headed back to the cabin for a short hike and some fresh air before Gary came with the guns. Now, please understand, Gary’s a real cowboy and I’m really not, though it would be fun. It’s just that I’ve been a city dweller most of my life, so slinging guns isn’t my daily activity. I don’t have a rifle or shotgun hanging in the back window of my Honda Pilot, or the Accord, for that matter. But, I like shooting, not people or creatures obviously, but shooting at things. The last time I shot a gun it was a shotgun, in the air on a hunting trip. That was probably 9 years ago. Prior to that I did some target shooting with Jason out in the wilderness somewhere with a handgun, but today, Gary had the real McCoy. Good old pistols, six rounds, nothing plastic, just metal and beautifully polished wood. He handed me a holster and showed me the ins and outs of drawing from my hip. I have to admit that the music that just ran through your mind picturing me drawing a pistol from my hip also ran through mine. You know which one I mean. No, there weren’t vultures flying overhead, though I do wish I had my cowgirl boots on. Anyway, I felt like Annie Oakley, but I’m sure my draw was slower than hers. Gary measured it with a special little device. My best draw was .52 seconds. Today at the ranch, of the other folks who had drawn, about 8 or 9 in all, I beat all but one. He also taught me how to fan the gun. It’s when you draw with one hand and shoot, then with your other hand, cock the gun and shoot until the barrel is empty. I was slow, but he can fan it empty faster than an automatic. That’s purdy darn fast! We moved onto the rifle with the scope. I unloaded a bunch of rounds on a small rock in the river below the cabin. Whether you are a fan of guns or not is not the point. I didn’t harm any living creatures. It was more of a Sidney Bristow meets Annie Oakley moment, except take out the bad guys and just picture them having target practice. Either way, it was fun and a bit therapeutic. It inspired me to continue writing, so that was good…

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Yes, that is snow on those mountains.View from the deck of the cabin I'm staying in. The cabinThe beginning of fall colors Just some mountains God created... The beautiful horse pasture on the ranch

I was blessed to be able to come up here a day earlier than planned. Here's the rundown of events:

Day One: I am staying in a quaint fishing cabin up near Kremmling, CO. The views are magnificent, the air is fresh, and it is so quiet I can hear my heart beat. It’s the perfect place to hear His heart beat. I got to town and picked up some veggies and hummus to have for the week. I arrived at the ranch a little before 5:00 pm and took some photos while I waited for my contact to show the way to the cabin I am staying in. I unpacked my suitcase since I’ll be here a few days and wandered down near the river. (Note to self: pick up bug spray tomorrow.) I enjoyed the early evening sitting on the back deck staring at God’s creation, reading His word aloud and crying out to Him. I am looking forward to how He wants to lead me this week. I’m here on His agenda. It’s right. I built a fire in the pot belly fire place and cuddled up on the couch with my computer. The first task at hand is editing the blog, which Jason downloaded into Word. This will take a while since it’s a 300 some page document. After spending some time on this, I ate an Amy’s frozen microwave entree and then hopped in the claw foot tub for a bath. I’m off to bed to read for a bit. I’ll let the sun wake me up in the morning…Lord, what will tomorrow bring? I’m all Yours. Let’s go for it!

Day Two: I got up, made some tea and headed out to the back deck to read God's word and check out His creation. After the sun burned off the clouds and my arms were getting a little too pink, I headed in to get down to business. I edited Noah's blog from August 2nd until January 31st. I took one break to go outside and throw horseshoes, but I consistently threw them in the wrong place, so knew it was just a distraction. After 6 hours of reading and crying and praying, I needed a break so I headed to town for some local fare. It felt good to clear my senses but I went quickly back to the cabin to do some creative writing since I hadn't gotten to do that all day. It was a good time to recap the last days of Noah's life on 'paper'. Not only am I writing his story, I am finding healing from God in the midst of the open wounds.

Day Three: Today I woke a little later than yesterday. I also went to bed later last night. Anyway, I sat out on the deck and did my "Breaking Free" study while soaking in a little vitamin D. I pulled out the binoculars and watched a rather large beaver splash about in the pond down the hill for about 15 minutes. Gary, a quiet humble man who works on the ranch came to check in on me and bring me more fire starters. He was all dapper in his silver coin tie and scarf with his leather vest and cowboy hat. I asked what the special occasion was and he said he was doing a 'draw' this afternoon for some guests of the ranch. He and I are going to do a 'draw' later with non-projectile ammunition, then, a little different from kick boxing or a sledge hammer class, I'm going to have projectile ammunition therapy later this evening. I'll use a 22 (larger shotguns and rifles kick my shoulder back too much) to obliterate some clay pigeons and targets. I have hit clay pigeons in my past, but hopefully I won't be rusty and it'll feel good to get out some more grief anger. I'm at a coffee shop in town to check email and so I could call Jason and Em. I'll be heading back up to the cabin to do a lot more writing for the remainder of the afternoon and evening. Thanks for the prayers. God sure is wonderful, which, quite frankly, is the understatement of all time...

Monday, September 17, 2007

Here are my parents 25 years ago at a black tie event... Here we are, two days ago, but Jason skipped the bow tie and went for the 'modern' tux...

We had a good night with old and new friends at the Children's Hospital Gala on Saturday. It was surreal to be there, in such a different setting, one year later, seeing all the support the hospital receives in order to continue its work. This is a big year for the hospital as it is moving across town in about two weeks, transporting all the children on one day to the new facility. The city will actually be closing down Colfax Avenue in order to make the transition as smooth as possible for the transport.

I lost it at one point during the ceremony and had to leave when there was video footage and audio of a little boy that had been on a ventilator...I must say I don't even know how his story played out, and why he's a healthy, living boy today. All I knew was I needed fresh air.

There were probably 2-3 thousand people in attendance, so, you can imagine how strategic it was as we were leaving that we would 'run' into our favorite and least favorite doctors at the same time...I know God is doing continued healing in my heart because I can't escape Noah's docs. They work out at my gym, grocery shop at my store, picnic at my parks, they breathe my oxygen (just kidding)...you know what I mean.

The hosts of our table were very generous to include us in this years celebration. They also had an extra space so allowed us to invite a friend. We brought Dr. Julie, our friend who is a chiropractor and acupuncturist. She knew tons of people at the gala...lots of the doctors' wives are her patients. She's the one who did Noah's acupuncture at the hospital, so attending the event inspired her to donate acupuncture sessions for next years silent auction.

As far as the women's brunch, that was fun, too. The ladies did a wonderful job coordinating it and I know everyone who attended had fun. It wasn't taped so I have no way to critique what I said except from memory, but I just pray that whatever was heard was encouraging. I'll post it in blog form at a later date.

I'm headed to the mountains for solitude a half day early. I'm looking forward to it, though I am very social, so if I develop a new habit of talking to myself, please call me out on it...Until later.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

One year ago was my official faith crisis. The docs came in to say they didn't know why Noah's health was declining, that it was our choice whether to intervene, and they were done looking for answers. (Really? So that means we spent the next 3 and a half months searching for answers ON OUR OWN ACCORD) (Yes, I get crusty about this! Yes, I need to go to counseling, but it's not a convenient time, so I guess I have to pray about that...). One year later, I am no longer in a faith crisis, but nobody still knows jack squat. Nobody is looking for the reason Noah died, obviously. But the one thing that I will continue to search for is the reason that MANY, MANY mice died at the CDC when injected with Noah's stool. The CDC knows, in my opinion, because if they don't, folks, we should all be REALLY concerned...anyway, this will all be the subject of one of the chapters in Noah's book...

So, speaking of Noah's book and the title of this post asking for your prayers...a lot of things are going on this weekend and next week and weekend for which I covet your prayers. This Saturday I will be sharing with some women from our church at our first women's brunch. Please pray that the Holy Spirit leads me and is the only One speaking. Then, on Saturday night we have been invited to attend the Children's Hospital Gala which is the big fundraiser for the hospital. We know God wants us there for some reason, but the irony of being in that setting one year later is grand...Then, on Sunday after church, we are headed up to the mountains with some friends to see the fall colors for a couple of days. After that, Jason and Em will head back down to Denver and I have been blessed with the opportunity to go on a solo retreat at a private little fishing cabin for the rest of the week. I'll have water and electricity, but no Internet. There is Internet at the main lodge, so I'll check in if possible, but my main purpose in going is to pray, seek God's face, and write Noah's book. I know I only have a few days and the last thing I need is writer's block, so please pray for God's clarity and the words to flow. I'll likely come back to Denver on the following Friday and head to the Beth Moore pre-conference meeting for Women of Faith. A lot to pack into a week, but I am up for it.

Oh yeah, I still don't know what I am wearing to this black tie event. I tried on my senior high prom dress, you know the number...gold sequins with gold lam me puffy layers on the skirt. A big bow on the buns. You know you want one! AND NO, I AM NOT POSTING A PICTURE OF IT! Only old high school friends had documentation of that and none of them from that school remember me anyway! (What's that? You want to know why on earth I still have it? It was SO obnoxious that I had to save it for if I ever had a daughter so she could play dress up.)

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful.3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.14You are my friends if you do what I command.15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.17This is my command: Love each other.John 15:1-17

It's so clear why I hate fruit flies! We should all hate fruit flies! When we are stinky fruit, rotting on the tree, we are magnets for fruit flies. We fall to the ground or are cut off and thrown in the garbage. I know in order to eat fruit we have to pick it from the vine or tree, but if it isn't serving its purpose, it's game for attack. I've been a Christian for 20 years now, but I can say that often times in my walk, even in my pursuit of God, I was just a full, ripened piece of fruit sitting on the counter, not nourishing or filling a need or purpose. I don't ever want to be a beautiful piece of fruit that came from the Amazing Source just sitting on the counter again! Yes, there are times where we have to wait on God for His bigger picture, but that's where the freezer comes in handy, especially if it's a timing issue. The fridge is good for fruit, too, if we are waiting only a short time. But, leave that fruit in the fridge too long, and you all have seen it...it's not pretty. Same with freezer burn. If we listen to His timing, we won't be wasted fruit. Notice verse 2 says that every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so it will bear even more fruit. If we are being pruned, we should be grateful as that means we are fruitful. Imagine how much more!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Nacho: What about the orphans?
Steven: I hate them!
Nacho: What's that you said?
Steven: I hate orphans!
Nacho: Come again?
Steven: I HATE ORPHANS!
Nacho: Say that to my face!
Steven: I HATE ALL THE ORPHANS IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
(Nacho and Steven start wrestling...)

Okay, raise your hand if you've seen 'Nacho Libre'. Me too. Noah did, as well. I took my nephew to see it in June or July '06 and Noah ate and snoozed the whole time. ANYWAY, for anyone who has not seen the movie, if the dialogue above is offensive to you, please just know Steven changes his heart later...He likes them.

SO, if you read the above dialogue out loud with a Mexican voice inflection and insert the word "fruit flies" for "orphans", you'll get a glimpse into what's been running through my head for two weeks now! Honestly, there are days that I feel like the dirty kid from 'Charlie Brown' who carries his stinky blankie everywhere and there are always clouds of dust and flies following him...although, I SHOWER AND DON'T CARRY A STINKY BLANKIE AND SO, these blasted fruit flies shouldn't be following me!

First they started out in the kitchen, around the FRUIT, of course! Is this not disgusting to anyone else?! The fact that creatures in the wild lay LARVAE on our food and then they cling on for dear life, WITHOUT A VISA MIND YOU, and cross the border into our grocery stores, just waiting and watching that someone will 'pick me' to go home with! It's a conspiracy, I tell you! They usually NEVER hatch at the stores! They always wait until they have arrived in your nice clean home and, presto chango, the life cycle proceeds into an annoying pest in the kitchen. Then, we brought some beautiful flowers home from our friends' wedding and the fruit flies thought we had upgraded their living accommodations. NO they weren't for you, you freaking bugs! Then, I found 7 carcasses in a spider web in the corner of a window. The ONE time in my life I've appreciated SPIDERS! I can see them hovering in mid-air. I clap my hands together in front of me, like a crazy lady, squashing them perhaps only 20% of the time. I opened my closet door yesterday to get dressed and, I kid you not, two flew out to greet me! What the heck?! My clothes don't fit you, yucky bugs! After church on Sunday, we went to Tokyo Joe's for a bite. Em and I went to the girls' room to wash our hands. Guess what was on the mirror staring back at me, taunting me, saying, "I'm a friend of a friend that has taken up residency in your house, lady. We're not leaving you alone. We know where you live, eat, sleep, work out, we'll find you, we'll always find you..." UGH!

We have taken action. We have done the obvious and put all fruit in either our bellies, the fridge or the freezer. The flowers were gone a long time ago, so they don't live there. I threw all of our plants away while Noah was in the hospital, so I know that's not an issue. We don't leave food sitting around and there aren't crumbs or spills anywhere because, one, we just don't, and two, the house has to be spotless 24-7 since it's on the market. SO, why won't these annoying visitors just go away?! They have worn out their welcome. They aren't house guests! Seriously. Then it occurred to me, after Em had Jason read her the story of Moses and the Egyptian Pharaoh and the 10 plagues for the 100th time...I said, "Jason, please pray right now! What if God's trying to tell us something?!" He said, "I hardly think 12 fruit flies is a plague from God." Yet he did pray. Hey, I just wanted to cover all of my bases! Our friend suggested vinegar with a slice of banana in a cup with plastic wrap on top with a few small holes for the mangy, pesky, fruit sucking creature to enter. I'm willing to try it, but that means I have to BUY BANANAS! I already said it, it's a conspiracy!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

This is a picture of our dear friends, the Goodmans. These are the first friends we met here in Denver by divine intervention, a story for another time, but Libby, the cutie on the left is Em's best friend. Becky and Jason are two of our dearest friends, people who would AND HAVE done anything for us (she's the former ICU nurse that stayed with Noah, along with her Jason, at the hospital so that my Jason and I could go to my best friend Molly's wedding in November). ANYWAY, HE IS OKAY, BUT, while mountain biking today with two other friends of his, he fell, cracked his helmet and broke ribs, bruised his lung and broke (or cracked) the 5th vertebrae in his back. They were due back home at 5pm and after they were late, the wives of the 3 guys started searching. I don't know all the details yet, but I do know his friends did not move him but other bikers on the trail sought help and he was lifted via 'Flight for Life' to a hospital up in Denver where Becky is talking with docs.

Becky said that if you're going to break a vertebrae, the 5th is a good one to break. This incident comes just days after they received word that by the end of the year, they'll be to China and back to welcome their sweet new son into their family. Please pray how the Holy Spirit leads you. Thanks.

Uncle Sam, aka the IRS, sent papers congratulating me that the non-profit my friends and I started is officially tax-exempt 501(c)3 status! I nearly fainted! If some may recall, in November I was scurrying to send in further information for the IRS to process in order for achieve 501(c)3 status. Well, I got it in on time but never heard a word until the first of January when my contact there left a message on my answering machine at home. Well, if some may recall, I was a little busy the beginning of January, so later that month, after Noah was in heaven and I was back at home, I called and left a message stating that I had been busy with my son, that if they had further questions to please contact me, etc. I never heard from the IRS again...until the letter came in the mail on Friday, September 7, 2007. That was 2 years, 3 months and 2 days from the day they originally approved us as a non-profit.

So, in the next couple of months, we will be praying about where the Lord desires to lead us as a group. He's shown us a few things this summer that are exciting and will hopefully make both spiritual and physical impacts on people's lives here in the States and around the world. After a lot of prayer and brainstorming sessions, I'll post more here if anyone is interested...

FYI: It's called Bevy, Inc. A 'bevy' is a group of girls, which is what we are, and our desire is to use our gifts and resources for God's glory to encourage women in need and their families.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Em: Mom, can a house be ugly on the outside but be pretty on the inside?

Me: Absolutely. Some people are more concerned about what the inside looks like because that is where they spend most of their time.

Me: And, did you know that some houses that are beautiful on the outside are totally trashed and ugly on the inside?

Em: How?

Me: Well, some people think that the way their house looks on the street is the most important thing, but they don't really care about the inside.

Me: It's just like people's hearts, sweetie. We all come in different shapes and sizes, some people look pretty on the outside but don't have beautiful hearts while others may not 'look' pretty but because they have filled their hearts and minds with God's word, they are the most beautiful people we will ever meet.

This opens such a big can of worms...on Earth, we spend billions of dollars on how we wish to appear. Clothes, makeup, surgeries, jewelry, cars, computer toys, houses, this name brand newest hot item, the latest 'best' whatchamacallit. Yeah, sure, a good Bible is expensive, maybe $40 or $50 bucks, but its worth is beyond anything that will ever be auctioned off at Christie's. No one can take the word of God out of your heart, but only you can get it in there. Some of the most beautiful people I have ever met were these old, crinkly, tired looking babushkas (grammas) in Siberia. When they heard we were coming, in their total poverty, they rushed to their gardens and came to us bearing gladiolas and fresh cucumbers as gifts.

Beauty truly is in the eye of the Beholder. If your beholder is only the one staring you back in the mirror, I encourage you to allow God to move into your 'house' and do some remodeling with His word. Knock out that wall, knock out that wall, get rid of that ugly carpet, move this here and that there...

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3&4

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Lord, I know Your lips fit there too, so, since he can't feel mine any more, will You please do this for me? Please start at the bridge of his nose, the place You made my lips fit perfectly...then each cheek, his eye lids, forehead, and then his chin. Please plant a big one on his lips. Move on over to his ear lobes and nibble each one. Smooch each shoulder and then please give Noah a zerbet on his neck, really loud and tickly. He likes zerbets on his belly, too. Then each elbow and every finger, each knee and every toe. Then, please smooch him on the bridge of his nose, again, because that's my favorite. Finally, please hold his sweet face in Your hands and tell him I love him and that being his mommy and the mommy of his big sis' is the best job in the universe and thank him, again, for being the best son. Thank You, Lord. I know You'll do this...Your word says You give us the desires of our heart.

Monday, September 03, 2007

I get why they got it and continue to still get it. The story of the children coming to see Jesus in Em's Bible is great. For theological sticklers, it's not an exact translation, but I believe the guys at Gold'n'Honey didn't read too much into the scenario. They were able to see the overall picture and shed light on the circumstances and the setting of the day. Here's how it reads in her Beginner's Bible by James R. Leininger (sorry, you'll just have to miss out on the pictures...):

"Mothers held their babies as they walked. Boys and girls skipped and hopped down the road. They were happy. They were going to see Jesus. But when they got to the place where Jesus was, Jesus' friends told them to go away. 'You cannot come to see Jesus,' they said. 'He is too busy for children. He has important things to do.' Now Jesus found out what his friends were saying. He was angry. 'Do not stop the children,' He said. 'Let them come to me.' So they came: little boys and little girls, and even babies. They came to Jesus. And Jesus took them in His arms. He was not too busy. He held them. He blessed them. He loved them. Children are important to Jesus." Taken from the Scriptures in Matthew 19, Mark 10 and Luke 18.

I've been thinking a lot about why Emily and her friends are wired the way they are, why children are so precious to the Lord and why they were excited to go see Jesus. You see, when Jesus was a kid, hey, and even before that, there weren't televisions. I know it's shocking to some...no 'Einstein Baby' or 'Veggie Tales', not even 'Sesame Street'. No, parents told stories to their children throughout the day. Children used their imaginations...They also didn't have shelves packed with books, not even 'Seuss' (although I think this is a great thing as we read several books throughout the day). So, anyway, parents told their children stories by word of mouth as they went about their daily life. There weren't 10 Bibles in a household (actually, that would be the Torah, or the first 5 books of the Bible, the 5 books of Moses, also called the Pentateuch) but instead, children would learn at the Temple and also from their parents who learned at the Temple. Jewish children had the 5 books of Moses MEMORIZED by the time they were something like 8 or 10 (the age I can't remember).

So, it occurred to me that since all these children had memorized God's word and 'written it on the tablets of their hearts', trusting that the grown ups (dads, moms, grandparents, teachers or 'rabbis') that had taught them weren't lying or trying to lead them astray, when they heard that Messiah would come, they recognized Him. They anticipated Him and then were excited to see Him. He wasn't complicated to them. He was approachable and Someone they knew they wanted to meet. Unfortunately, many scholars did not recognize Him. Unfortunately, many of Jesus' own followers, namely His disciples, thought they had a corner on the market of how He worked. Thankfully, the kids had the 'in' with the Lord, and were welcomed into His arms.

The kids really had to exercise faith because there is no record of major miracles happening here and there during the 30 years of Jesus' life prior to His 3 year ministry. God wasn't splitting seas at that time or saving folks from fiery furnaces. Therefore, every story they heard about God, faith, trust, and hope were from years prior of 'Superheroes' like Moses, Noah, Joshua, King David, Sampson, King Nehemiah, Job, Daniel, Jonah, etc. Their faith wasn't contingent on Jesus performing miracles or healing sick people, it came through hearing the Word of God. And, I must say, I am grateful that the accounts of Scripture were properly passed on over the generations to these precious children or else they would not have recognized Messiah. Thank You, Lord, that 'Telephone' was not the popular game at the time, but that their parents shared Your Word as it was written on their hearts. As a result, the children ran to You. Let us write it on ours...

(As far as how angry Jesus got when His disciples told the kids to 'take off', well that's subject for another post...)

About Me

Not a lot...and probably too much. I'm simple and complicated. I'm completely random and totally calculated. I'm a talker and a listener, an idealist, a realist and a dreamer. I am a living oxymoron. I love God more than I can put into words and am thankful that I don't have to try to live this life out on Earth without Him. My husband and kids are my most favorite! My family and friends are true gifts from God. I'm finally 40-ish and I think it's fabulous! Pain and suffering are two things I have embraced because in walking through them, I am learning to live life to the fullest. One. Day. At. A. Time.