Haute and Dangerous: Do’s and Don’ts for Super Bowl Style

Seriously. I’m Boston born and bred, what else did you expect me to write about this week? Oh, I’m sorry, you wanted cutting edge news about the fashion industry? Ok, here goes: the eponymous Karl Lagerfeld, Creative Director and Head Designer at Chanel/all-around badass, has a new kitten. Her name is Choupette and she is super cute!

Thom Brown Menswear 2012

Oh, and this happened at the menswear shows in Paris last week. That poor man.

For the rest of us trying to make do in a world of subzero temperatures and picked-over January clearance racks, the Super Bowl beckons as our mid-winter celebration of gluttony, consumerism, and whiny overpaid superstars aka all the things that make America great. So without further ado, the Do’s and Don’ts of Super Bowl Style:

Do embrace your inner DIY goddess

There are pivotal moments in life where the glitter-glue Mecca that is A.C. Moore beckons on the horizon. The Super Bowl is one such occasion. So go forth and conquer, football fashionistas. Turn a plain cotton tee into your own interpretation of an Eli Manning jersey with blue glitter and beaded fringe. Make your own red and blue tutu to wear whilst entertaining (distracting?) your boyfriend’s friends by cartwheeling around the den during commercial breaks. Tie-dye a tank top and write “Gronk’s New Groove” in your own blood. Actually, don’t. That’s creepy. Remember that Madonna is headlining the Halftime Show, so consider this your big moment to get creative.

Don’t forget about context

So you’re decked out in red lipstick, blue body glitter, and a silver string bikini. You look less like you’re about to partake in casual football festivities at a friend’s house and more like you’re about to attend a rave on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht on the shores of Santorini. Sure, people will think you’re sexy, but they’re also going to think you’re crazy (especially when the manifesting symptoms of hypothermia set in). And you can bet your non-existent britches that you’ll be the recipient of some frosty treatment from the female population who won’t be too pleased about being shown up. So if you want to avoid death glares and catty comments about the cheese dip you slaved over all afternoon, consider taking the jeans and a tee look. Junk Food makes some cute football apparel as does the NFL shop.

Go Pats!

Do still dress like a chick

That being said, there still has to be a happy medium. Yes, football is a testosterone-driven, combative sport. Yes, you want to be comfortable when you’re used as a makeshift voodoo doll for your peers to exercise their contempt for the referee’s calls, peer-pressured into playing quarterback in an impromptu flag football game, and later when you’re doused in a celebratory beer bath at the end of the game. Yes, you will be mercilessly teased if you keep running off to the bathroom every five minutes to re-apply your lipstick. But this doesn’t excuse dressing like a fifty-year-old construction foreman on his day off. Put ribbons in your hair, apply blue mascara, and by all means, belt that jersey and wear it with tights. The cheerleaders and Tom Brady can’t be the only ones who look cute on game day.

Do wear black paint under your eyes

Football players do it to keep the reflective glare from the sun out of their eyes. You could argue that your decision to follow suit is simply to keep the reflective glare from your 50 inch plasma screen out of your eyes. Honestly, though, nothing says, “I’m tough… but also sexy…” like black paint stripes on your face. And seriously, when else would you be able to pull it off? Partying with Ke$ha, maybe, but that’s about it.

Don’t forget to check out Tom Brady’s new digs

Sometimes I think Tom Brady was Mother Theresa in his past life – because how else would he have ever gotten this lucky? Not only is he going to the Super Bowl as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time (yes, I’m biased but it’s still true), he gets his Uggs for free, and he just moved into this house with his supermodel wife. It’s not fair.

Kayla Brown Kayla Brown is the author of the “Boston Babe Sports Bible” series and TNGG's weekly fashion column, "Haute and Dangerous" (inspired by a Ke$ha song). She hopes to one day channel her debilitating caffeine addiction into the noble art of copywriting. Her interests include watching YouTube videos of cute animals doing funny things. If you think you can handle it, follow her on Twitter: @kjbrown22.

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TNGG is an online lifestyle magazine about growing up in the information age. We're a crowdsourced community for and by people under 30. TNGG is a mixture of journalism, blogging, opinions, advice, analysis, and commentary on our lives, our issues and the world around us.