Former Planet Accidentally Evaporated by Former Space
Agency
The Solar System awoke this morning to find itself with
apparently one less planet than it had when it went to
sleep late last night, after Conan.

An apparent "miscalculation" in the anticipated "gentle
descent" to the surface of the planet Mars by NASA's
Mars Polar Lander today, has apparently caused that
planet to somehow suddenly no longer be available to any
modality of human perception whatsoever.

Mars, formerly the 2nd or 4th planet, whichever, in our
solar system, the so-called "Our Solar System," had been
a member of the so-called "Our Solar System," for
apparently many years now, having first been discovered
by Vasco de Gamma and Man Ray in 1493 and refurbished by
Pixar in 1994.

According to a NASA spokesperson who was unavailable for
comment pending notification of sensemilla, "Apparently
this error has been caused by someone with bad grammar
fucking up really really awful."

Before things apparently spun out of control and went
all wacky, the purpose of the Mars Polar Lander had been
to go land on Mars and start promoting Intel's new
sugar-coated breakfast cereal shaped like tiny little
motherboards.

"We are very disappointed," said a spokesman for Intel,
"that we suddenly no longer apparently have a planet to
begin branding our new breakfast cereal on, because we
feel that the population of Mars was really ready to
really WANT a sugar-coated breakfast cereal that's
shaped like tiny little motherboards and called
something simple, like Intel Sugar-Frosted Motherboards
'n Processors.

A spokesman for Microsoft stated that they were also
disappointed that they would now not be able to sell a
sugar-coated breakfast cereal shaped like software, on
Mars.

A spokesman for the Spokesman Supply Depot stated that
he was also disappointed that he would now not be able
to start branding his own sugar-coated breakfast cereal
shaped like shape itself, on Mars.

A spokesman for the They Don't Call It 'Outer Space' For
Nothing Foundation wished everybody a Merry E-christmas
'99, despite being disappointed that his own brand of
sugar-coated breakfast cereal would now not be able to
push its sicko wacko agenda on Mars.

"Our sugar-coated breakfast cereal," he said,
"unfortunately would have, for the first time anywhere,
empowered the INDIVIDUAL to chose absolutely any picture
whatsoever to appear in the background when the message:
"Please Wait Several Minutes or Hours While Microsoft
Randomly 'Rearranges' Your Hard Drive" randomly appears
on his screen.