Top 10 Dating Myths, Part 2

Does love conquer all?

6. Sparks need to fly as soon as we meet. No they don't. I am proof of this. There weren't sparks when I first met my wife, Karen. Maybe a flicker but certainly not a raging fire and here we are 23 years and seven kids later in a spark-filled marriage.

People get this notion that it needs to be love at first sight thanks to the movies. It always amuses me that people would actually use Hollywood as their guidebook for relationships. There is probably no greater industry or place in the world that is so out of touch with the true nature of what makes relationships work. So ignore this Hollywood-created myth and almost everything else they have to say about life and realize that they are in the entertainment business and not a very good source for wisdom or tips about creating a happy marriage.

7. You can go it alone. Everyone is familiar with the Jewish figure of the Matchmaker. Many have a dim view of matchmakers who are usually portrayed as busy-body talkative yentas who are only interested in notching a few more shidduchim, matches on their belt despite the welfare of the young people whose interest they are supposed to represent.

The fact is that dating and coming to a decision as to whether someone can be a true life-partner desperately needs an outside objective party.

Again, I am proof of this as well. After meeting Karen and the above-mentioned lack of fireworks, bells and whistles I was ready to give it up after the third date. After relating this to the rabbi whom I used to speak to about these matters, he asked me what I liked about her. I gave him a list of things and he then said the line that changed my life: "Funny, I don't recall you ever speaking so positively about any of the women that you have gone out with before." Hearing those words forced me to listen to myself and not be distracted over the missing sparks at the outset.

So it is quite crucial to get an outside opinion from a close friend or confidant to ensure that your decision to marry or not is a good one.

8. I will change him/her. I have some sad news: People don't change. You might successfully modify a behavior here and there, but when it comes to a person's basic personality, well I will just let the song spell it out for you...

Some people are made of plastic
You know some people are made of wood
Some people have hearts of stone
Some people are up tono good...

What'cha see is what'cha get
What'cha see is what'cha get

-The Dramatics

So do yourself a favor, and whatever faults you see in another, make a decision: Either the fault is a deal-breaker and discontinue the relationship because of it, or accept it and know you will most likely live with it for the rest of your life. But don't fall into the trap that you will change this person. It seldom happens.

9. Love conquers all. Rabbi Nachum Braverman has a great definition of marriage. Two people committed to each other's welfare, good and pleasure and secondly committed to common life goals. When a couple is first dating and it is exciting and electric, they are doing really well in the first part of this definition as they share lots of intense good times together.

But couples do not pay enough attention to the more sober second part of this definition – the common life goals part. Too many young people think that because they have the good times, then any obstacles will easily be overcome. This is simply not true. As a couple ages and the marriage loses some of its excitement, frustration and tensions are bound to set in and destroy a marriage if they are going in two different directions because of differing objectives.

So yes, be a romantic. But not to the point where you become blinded to the realities of the other person's life goals which may be very different than your own. Don't subscribe to this false notion that your love will conquer any and all significant differences; there is a good chance you may not win that battle and the collateral damage will be painful.

10. You can go it alone, Part 2. Not only do you need others to help you find the right one, but it's a great idea to get God on your side as well. Everyone who is married has some sort of story of how they met and the unique and often unusual circumstances that brought them together. So do pray and not for any particular person, but rather ask that God bring you the right one and the He give you the insight and awareness to see it.

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About the Author

Rabbi Tzvi Nightingale is Director of Aish South Florida. Tzvi grew up in Toronto, Canada, home of the perennially losing Toronto Maple Leafs ice hockey team. He attended Aish Jerusalem in the summer of 1979, determined to gain access to great Jewish works and thinkers such as the Talmud and Maimonides. Little did he know that it would take far longer than two months; he ended up staying in Israel for nine years. He received rabbinic ordination in 1985 and met his wife Karen, who grew up in London and is the great-granddaughter of the former chief rabbi of Meshed, Iran. As can only happen in Israel, Canadian-Polish-Jewish became intertwined with British-Israeli-Persian. Rabbi Nightingale has been involved in Aish South Florida since 1989 and has been Executive Director since 1993. During that time he has met over 20,000 people who have attended Aish programs, but he does not remember all of their names. In the meantime, watching his beloved Maple Leafs not win a championship since 1967 has taught Rabbi Nightingale the importance of patiently waiting for the arrival of Moshiach.

Visitor Comments: 7

(4)
Anonymous,
April 12, 2012 1:18 PM

myth 11

To build a happy family one should care about the roof, food, clothes etc. for his family. First of all one need a good education, good job and a big bank account. And of course therefore a man has no time, strenght and finally a wish to build one's family.
So, is it myth?

(3)
Anonymous,
December 24, 2011 5:21 PM

very amazing point of view

i though that was the best insight i've ever read! that truly helped me, even thou i am already married, it still hit a lot of pionters and just so so helpful. thank you and happy chanukah

(2)
Anonymous,
December 22, 2011 11:55 AM

Lack of sparks

Forgive me, but is it not rather insensitive to one's life partner to announce to the whole world that there was a lack of sparks when they first met? If that was me, I would throttle my husband with my bare hands, but then I do come from a different world.

rhoneyman,
December 22, 2011 2:37 PM

huh?

it's 23 year later. this is no surprise to either of them. i strongly suspect it's not the first time rabbi nightingale has used this in a public forum to underscore the importance of bonding and finding a common purpose and how that can lead to deep connection and meaningful/lasting physical attraction (ie, sparks).

Anonymous,
December 23, 2011 12:45 PM

at the possible expense of his wife's feelings

I would like to hear from her that she has no problem with this kind of very personal information being aired publicly.

Anonymous,
August 24, 2012 4:51 AM

Judge Favorably

I think you owe Rabbi Nightingale to be judge favorably. How do you know that he didn't ask her permission before? Don't jump so quickly to conclusions and bash others publicly! The fact that they are married happily for 23 years, I would assume they have developed a trusting relationship and he wouldn't share such information without consultin with her first..

(1)
yael,
December 18, 2011 5:30 PM

Im also proof that u dont need fireworks on the firs date and that u need a mentor. I thought my husband was cute when i met him but by no means did i feel fireworks until later on (I did feel them about 4th date or so). We also considered breaking up with each other at different point and didnt because of our mentors. I dont think wed be married today if it wasnt for them, and im so happily married.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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