Aye Cap'n DaveL. I remembers one time when we let Knuckles O'Shuffle take the wheel. All were fine until about half way through 'is watch when someone slips 'im a copy o' Wobbly Wenches Bumper Holiday Special.

The ship were lurchin' so much from side t' side that we didn't even notice Krakatoa blowin' up next to us.

I remembers when knuckles 'ad to move cabins once. When 'ee tried to remove 'is -er- reading material, it 'ad stuck tergether in one solid lump that were too big to get out the door. 'Ad to take 'alf a bluddy wall down.

Anyway, the other day I discovered a good way to put down a mutinous crew. I were sure that the men were plottin' against me (ye develop an instinct fer this after ye's been cast adrift in an open boat a few times), an' they were all below deck makin' plans.

I stood on the bridge with Fluffy, (the ship's Bengal tiger) when I had an idea. Ye ever seen a cat chasin' the dot of a laser pointer across a carpet? - well I wondered if a tiger would do the same.

Fluffy saw the red dot movin' about on the deck an' got curious. As he approached it, I moved it up an' down the deck. Fluffy were chasin' it, an' he were gettin' angrier an' angrier. I moved the dot across the deck and a few feet up the main mast; Fluffy roared an' lashed out at it. There were a nasty splinterin' noise as Fluffy's claws tore four deep gashes into the oak mast.

Fluffy were goin' beserk. Roarin' an hissin' an spittin' 'ee were. I ran the dot once around the deck fer luck an' Fluffy were boundin' after it, mad with rage. 'Ee were goin full speed as 'ee followed the dot across the deck an' down the hatch leadin' to the crew's quarters.

Arrrrr...the Equal Opps Board...I has been avoidin them fer months. Ever since me crew all died o Fish Head Stew poisonin...I know wot ye're thinkin, they all died an equal death..but I was givin extra portions to the French ones!

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

Arrrgh...me uvver problem be wiv the Scotties. Luverly lot as long as ye leaves em wiv yer treasure or yer engineering they be happy. As soon as they come up on deck their dour miserly grimness spreads gloom over the whole ship. The slightest sightin of an Albatross or a Storm cloud and they start their dour caterwailing...'We're all Dooooooooomed, Doooooooooooooomed...they make good undertakers an all.

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.