Sunday, March 6, 2011

The fact that in just a few days .. my son's 2nd birthday away from me will be here.. it seems surreal. I guess that despite the fact I miss him & love him & wish he were here; the fact is that my life does indeed go on. Sometimes I feel guilty about that fact. There is always that twinge of guilt when I have a good time, or laugh, or enjoy life. That still small voice that says, "Dexter doesn't get to experience this."

Today we went to Medieval Times for my friend's daughter's birthday. My son, my daughter, their dad, my boyfriend & my best friend all came. It was a good time. My daughter had never been there & it was a fun experience. I laughed. I cheered. I had a great time. I enjoyed my daughter dressing in a princess hat & getting the flower from our knight. I loved watching her & her brother sword fight with their light up swords & take pictures with the knights. Yet I still heard in my head, "Dexter will never get to do this."

I don't consume my life with this loss. But it IS something that taints every aspect. Even subconsciously. Now just because I don't cry every day, or go to the grave every day.... it doesn't mean I don't miss him. That I don't feel that hole in my heart & soul from his absence. There are days I don't want to get out of bed or deal with people or go put on that mask so I don't have everyone asking me "Are you okay?" every five minutes. Right now, I am not okay. I should be planning my son's 2nd birthday party. Decorating a cake & getting balloons & other messy toddlers to come play with him. Instead I bought a little blue pinwheel that blows in the wind & a small balloon (will probably get more too) & a bear statue & a blue piggy bank & his Daddy got him an angel statue to decorate his grave with. He won't get a piece of cake with ice cream or open a present. But I hope that these little things we do.. he might catch a glimpse of it & see how much Mommy & Daddy love him & miss him. He is our forever child. Even when he is out of our arms.

Friday, February 4, 2011

& this is it. I have finally got my new website, HERBLACKBIRD.ORG, mostly up & gotten this blog sort of situated enough where I can start posting on it. I still have some work to do on the boxes to the right, but I will get to those eventually. I've been so very busy with a crazy life, crazy hobbies, crazy rehearsal schedules for a musical & just plain everything! I am definitely feeling tuckered out lately. But I am enjoying everything. I just have a lot going on.

I really wanted to have the new site. I loved HEREAFTERTHIS.ORG, but it was time for a change. It was good for me at the time. I feel like I am growing & moving beyond a lot of things. Don't take that as "getting over it", but to a point where I do feel some sort of peace again. Granted it's small & is an often fleeting feeling .. but it's there. I can wake up in the morning some days & be okay. Just okay though.

Anyway, I will have the site up & running at full capacity in the next few days. Have to find time & sit here to make a few things, put together the site content & work on all the links. Part of it is motivation & the other is just plain being tired.

I'm going to go check out some free/cheap ideas for date night since we are a bit low on money this week & we still want to go do something together. I do have an amazing honey. :)

A BRIEF HERSTORY

Leslie is a 30 year old mom of three. Two of them remain with her on the earthly plain, while her youngest has moved on to bigger things. She lives in a house across the street from her girly bestie with her soulmate Robert & her kids. She is a stay at home mom who is always looking for part-time work. When not at home she can be found at karaoke or doing community theater. To learn more about her & see more content, please visit her main site: www.herblackbird.org.

Baby Loss Mama

I am a baby loss mama. My dear son, Dexter Beckett, was born on March 9, 2009 & died 11 hours later in the early morning of March 10, 2009. He was born at 29 weeks gestation & he was absolutely perfect. Tiny & perfect. His life may have been short, but it was important & it left imprints on a lot of people's lives. A website in his memory is in the process of being made. Please check back here for more details.