(We have an online system where when you buy online to collect in store. All you need is your card that you bought it with. It is the second line of the email. I know, because I’ve read the automated email a million times, as it is handed to me every day by sensible customers who know how to function properly. I offer my help and diagnose the type of service this man needs and I find his parcel.)

Me: “Do you have the card you purchased the parcel with?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “All right, are you able to get hold of the last four digits of your card number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, can’t you contact someone who has access to the card? Or possibly log into an account like Amazon or PayPal, that have those four digits on display?”

Customer: “It’s not my card; it’s my girlfriend’s.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t release the parcel without those last four digits.”

Customer: “What?! That’s my parcel! I’ve paid for it! It has my name on it!”

Me: “I can’t release it without proof of purchase; I’m sorry.”

Customer: “You have to release it because it is mine!”

Me: “I can’t release it.”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know I needed the card?”

Me: “It says in the email sent to you to tell you the parcel has arrived here.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t!”

Me: “Yes, it does.”

Customer: “I’ll show you it doesn’t!”

Me: “Go for it.”

Customer:*checks his phone to discover that the email DOES in fact state you must bring the card used for purchase* “Oh, for f*** sake! I never read my emails that far down!”

(I am working as a dishwasher at the town’s nicest restaurant, and after a couple of hours am badly in need of a bathroom break. The toilets are located in another section of the building, and I have to pass the entry in order to get to them. As I am hurrying along my way, an elderly gentleman guest grabs me by the wrist and asks in a very grave tone with a distinct German accent:)

Guest: “Excuse me, miss, but how are the shrimp?”

(Having no idea how to answer that question, I blurt the first answer that comes to mind.)