Joking about domestic violence wasn't, isn't and never will be funny, Matthew B. Mowery says

Detroit Tigers manager Brad Ausmus has been at the center of a firestorm this week about an insensitive comment he made in a postgame press conference. He has repeatedly apologized since, and faces no punishment from the organization or Major League Baseball.
PAUL SANCYA — The Associated Press

All of that is not intended to draw me some big pat on the back, pile me up some moral high ground — whoop-de-doo, I shoveled a driveway — but rather to explain how long I’ve been aware of the issues of spousal abuse and domestic violence.

And why I understand that certain things are not joking or laughing matters.

I grew up knowing that, even before I shoveled that particular driveway.

He also had to face what you would think was an awkward discussion when he got home.

“Of course I talked to my wife about it. She understood that it was — that I was not trying to hurt anyone. She also said you gotta — some people are sensitive to that. She wasn’t mad at me, or disappointed in me. She knows me. She knows what my wit is, and that this was an instance where I shouldn’t have said something,” said the manager who called it his “worst day,” and admitted he’d barely slept the night after.

“I still feel awful about it. There was nothing in my head that I wanted to hurt or offend anyone, and I still apologize. It was poor judgment, and it won’t happen again.”

There’s a very good chance that Ausmus’ wife, Liz, does indeed understand that it was said with the intent of being sarcastic or snarky.

Ausmus, though, also had to discuss it with his two teenage daughters, who are both on Twitter, and probably knew of the incident within minutes of it being reported. Certainly long before he got home to address it.

That’s the crux of this whole issue, and why it’s important to talk about it, even if the case is closed as far as the Tigers and Major League Baseball — both organizations said they accepted his quick apology as sufficient — are concerned.

How do you explain sarcasm to someone who might be too young to understand when not to take words at face value?

“We’re a baseball family. ... Normally, my son would be watching that press conference,” said Amy Youngquist, an Oakland County resident who is the CEO of FirstStep, an advocacy group centered in Plymouth that assists between 6,000 and 7,000 victims of domestic violence per year.

“What do I tell my 8-year-old son?”

My 8-year-old self wouldn’t have understood, either.

And my 42-year-old self doesn’t really have a better answer.

Not everyone who might have heard those words come out of the mouth of their favorite team’s manager will understand the intent.

All they’ll know is what he said.

Then it becomes incumbent upon the rest of us to explain why those words aren’t OK.

Not ever. Not as a joke.

It isn’t, wasn’t and never will be funny.

“I can’t imagine what kind of psychopath you have to be to even *think* about joking about beating your wife,” ESPN baseball analyst Keith Law tweeted Thursday morning.

While that may be over the top, truth is, plenty of people did find it humorous. I got emails and Twitter responses from several of them.

“What we find funny, what we joke about, often indicates our values. In particular, sexist humor is likely to be appreciated by folks who hold sexist values. The quickness with which he answered is also telling,” Cristy Cardinal, the director of prevention education for Oakland County-based HAVEN, another advocacy group, wrote in a recent blog post.

“Why did that even cross his mind as an answer to the question? Men who don’t think about beating their partners tend not to, you know, think about it as an answer to a question at work. Why was he so quick to make this ‘joke?’ Why would anyone be so quick to make such a joke, unless doing it actually crossed their mind? And, even if Brad Ausmus had the best of jocular intentions, thousands of people heard him, batterers and survivors among them. Which group is bolstered and supported by his ‘joke?’ Certainly not the battered women he claimed to not want to make light of, but rather the batterers being validated by those words.”

Whatever the underlying reasons behind his attempt at a joke, Ausmus has apologized, and profusely. He won’t be punished any more than he already has.

“We should probably move on from that, and consider this a teachable moment,” said Youngquist, who called the apologies “a good start,” but not enough.

“It is not a joking matter, and it needs to be taken seriously. The apology is a good start, but I believe Brad needs to take the next step by supporting the victims of domestic violence.”

Ausmus said Thursday morning he was planning to do just that, to make a donation of some sort to an advocacy group or shelter, but not just for a public relations boost.

That would go over well with those very groups, albeit as another step.

“It is critical that as a team leader Mr. Ausmus demonstrates beyond words his true belief that violence against women is unacceptable at all levels. An apology is not enough. Through his actions, he should set the bar for the young men who follow him and the Tigers’ organization as a whole,” said Beth Morrison, the president and CEO of HAVEN. “There is no ‘one thing’ that Ausmus can do — taking back his words is not as easy as saying I’m sorry or as simple as volunteering his time. He needs to examine why those words so quickly and easily flowed from his mouth when asked the question. A good start would be to host a prevention session educating the entire organization about the issue of violence against women.”

What we need is for this to indeed be a teachable moment of some sort — for all of us. Raise the bar of discourse from “that’s dumb,” “no one cares” and “he just made a mistake — don’t you ever make mistakes?” to talking about the REAL issue here.

And that’s not Brad Ausmus.

It’s the folks who unfortunately flow through the doors of those shelters.

Every day.

The ones who don’t understand how anyone could think that was funny.

Ever.

Brushing this story under the table, and dismissing it as “just a joke” diminishes what they’ve been through just as much as those four ill-advised words ever could.