Today a bunch of kids on my bus were talking about Mischeif Night and I mentioned something about law enforcement. They told me to my face that theyre gonna hit my house on their little crime spree. I was just sort of indifferent to it for a while but now I'm wondering.

I'm planning on defending my house, but the problem is that I'll be home alone. I need ideas of how to stop these guys.

erm...isnt a camera rendured useless if there all wearing masks? which i hear are readly available this time of year, water pistols loaded with water and vineger, and yeah tell your parents, and if you know them personally then just give a warning to the police station

It's not your house. You are a kid living in your parents' house. Tell them what's going on and let them decide how to resolve this. And next time you feel like telling delinquents how to behave like citizens, don't. You're too young to back it up.

Ok, you need to think seriously about your defenses. An electric fence is a given. Guard dogs? A useful early warning system, but don't rule out large pigs. Just as scary, plus they can eat the bodies. If you go this route, don't forget to remove the teeth from the bodies. You can do this afterwards, but you don't want to be rooting through pigshit, do you?

I'm going to argue against landmines. Too much potential for friendly casualties. So what's left for your exterior defences? Guard towers. Some people would suggest infra red searchlights, I disagree. Remember, the pigs are going to be attacking, so go for the brightest lights you can get. Disorient your attackers so the pigs have a free run at them.

For a machinegun, some people are going to say a .50 calibre, but that's not the way to go. The ammo's too expensive and totally over the top for unarmoured targets. Go with a 7.63mm or even a 5.56mm so you can fire without worrying about the cost.

Sidearm? Here you have the typical dilemma of the reliability and simplicity of a revolver vs. the ammo capacity and fast reload of a semi-auto. I say, why choose? Carry an 8-shot S&W .357 and a high capacity 9mm semi-auto. Some would say a .45 semi-auto, but a decent 9mm hollowpoint will do the job and offer two to three times the magazine capacity. Remember, you've also got a .357 revolver, the semi-auto is there for high capacity.

This is all fine and good for repelling most of the assault, but you need to be prepared if anyone breaches your defenses. Keep in mind that by this point, you will be up against someone who has been electrocuted, dazzled, shot at and mauled by pigs. Your opponent won't be in much state for a fight. Therefore your combat gear at this stage should consist of your birthday suit, an erection, and the phrase "Well hello there. Time for some bum fun, what?"

Or you could just tell your parents that some kids might throw toilet paper at the house tonight and stop acting like it's a big deal. Depends on your budget.