For Those Who Found Out Years Later

@Daysie...I cannot believe I am finding people here whose stories are SO close to mine! I guess I felt I was the only one this happened to, before I found this site! Anyway, I just found out 6 1/2 months ago that my H had an A with my brother's wife 25 years ago!(I have known for several years that she had an affair while they lived in the same town as we do, and I had questioned WHO it was many times over the past several years, but no-one would ever tell me! And, there were several of my family members who knew about it back then. My husband was not aware that several knew about it.)So, like you...no-one ever told me anything and I did NOT see signs back then either! My H and I were having some serious marital problems and of course she knew that from being in the family, so she had the perfect opportunity to "move in on him". (We found out that she has had "feelings" for my H for several years before the A). The A was disclosed because my brother and her finally split up and their children wanted answers...so they both spilled their guts about her A's and his! Yes!! they both have had numerous affairs! She also had one with my sister's husband, about 5 or 6 years after my husband and her. My H has told me that he wanted to tell me, but KNEW if he did, I would either leave him or have an A myself and he said he could not bear that, even though he now knows how SELFISH that was! And yes, I probably would have left him if I'd found out years ago! We have now been married (almost) 37 years, have 2 grown sons and two grandchildren. So...we DO have a history together and we have been happy for the past 25 years, so this makes it even more difficult! I could not ask for a more remorseful H who KNOWS how wrong he did and the damage it has caused. He too tells me that he has always loved me, and cannot bear to think I would leave him, etc...and I DO believe him, however, it still does not ease the hurt, resentment, anger, etc. that an A causes. And it doesn't matter that it was 25 years ago! It might as well been yesterday as far as my mind and heart feel! My H will talk to me about it, but like yours, it has been so long AND he has purposely forgotten so much, that it's hard for him to recall a lot of things. But I will tell you that talking does help some of his memory to come back. I know he HATES talking about it, but has told me that he wants to remember for MY sake so that I can deal, heal, and hopefully some day move forward and be happy again! Prayers, blessings and HOPE to you!

ruinedandbroken posted 5/2/2014 22:14 PM

Unfortunately, I can relate to this. A year after the ass left us for OW, I found out that he'd been screwing around since practically day one...before we were married. It was one of the most traumatic moments in my life.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 5/5/2014 00:24 AM

When I wrote my last post, I did not realize the dates on others' posts were months ago! I don't think this site is going to help me much!

foolforlove14 posted 5/14/2014 13:17 PM

We are starting counseling this week. Counselor thinks H may have sexual compulsion disorder?? Sex addict? That's just what every faithful loving wife wants to hear right? So, there is 1 affair I know about. Found out on my own, but H admitted it. He had to write out sexual history for counselor and guess what?? I read it! I know I shouldn't have, but I did! There was another, it happened on a business trip 15 yrs ago or so! I was completely in the DARK! I thought 4 yrs ago was the 1 and only. Now I realize if I have caught him texting women or emailing ad websites 5 or 6 times, there are probably a dozen times that got by me. I am not that smart nor that good a detective!
This will sound crazy, but I am only 50/50 on staying or leaving. I actually love this person and have for 24 years. I know he loves me too, can he be fixed?? Has ANYBODY come out on the other side? Am I an idiot? We do have 3 boys, but only 1 is under age. I make a good living, I COULD leave...ughhh

livebythesea posted 5/15/2014 14:07 PM

His short term affair started, I'm guessing April 1997 and I was told over the phone April 28th 2013. His affair took place in Germany, while we live in Canada. He was over Thor work. I was left home with 3 young children, a brand new business which required a lot of my time. He went over the to make a de extra dollars, he worked hard, I know that. But, for whatever reason, he met this women who he says "seduced" him at a bar. He went to her home. He walked there. He had time to turn around, but he didn't. They had sex, he tells me he can't remember whether or not he had intercourse. So, for 16 years he kept that secret from me. For 16 years he lied, and buried his infidelity. In November 2011, while he was away for work in Alberta, he had a ons. I was told that about that event June 22nd 2013. My daughter's college graduation day!

Ons, whether it happened once or twice, still devastating and extremely difficult to accept and move on. I'm well over the one year mark, and still unsure whether to stay or leave.

beyondbelief13 posted 6/16/2014 19:12 PM

Oh God, please get me off of this crazy train!

A little background: WH had LTA, caught and TRYING to R...

During a polygraph he also confessed to a ONS only 6 weeks after saying he would pledge his fidelity to me in M...

Well, he has always put the ONS in a whole different category, saying "It was 25 years ago! I was younger, It was ONLY a ONS, it was a whole different why, etc Therefore we don't need to dredge that whole thing up...

Damned it, I am just so over all this minimizing, deflecting and crazy making!!! This whole R thing has wrung me dry and today and many days I don't think I have it in me to sacrifice any more of myself for this wrecking ball of a H... Sorry, but this vent sure feels good. Thanks for listening and if you have a box of tissue please read my profile, yuk.

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/17/2014 20:47 PM

I am one who has drastically changed my opinion for those who found out years later, when I found out about my husband affair I thought that we had a chance to build a new and better marriage. I thought we did.

After all the tears and hard work that was done for the past few years, he is having another affair. This one is different because he feels he has a future with her

I think if I had just ended the marriage when I first found out about the first affair I would not be hurting so much now. I do believe I have give it the best I can and know that the marriage failure is on him.

I now believe a spouse who's capable of lying and keeping secrets for so long isn't really going to give it their all to save the marriage.

I know some exws will do the work but I have to suggest to the bs to run and start over. Make the choice yours not theirs?

thecosmogirl posted 7/17/2014 21:37 PM

I pretty much agree with Sleepingbeauty.
I can't relate to this topic yet but, it's just a matter of time I'm sure.
My WH is the picture perfect role model, except he will absolutely not come completely clean so, I'm basically just wasting my time.
I pray for others to be stronger than me!
Don't get me wrong, it's not all horrible. I'm just in the meh, I guess. I love him but, I won't be that super duper in love head over heels person ever again. That person died.

Dkrms15 posted 7/18/2014 21:53 PM

I found out a few months ago that my husband had cheated on me. I found an email with a selfie he sent to the whore he worked with with a message " I want YOU here with me." We were on vacation in Hawaii at the time - how insulting is that? I thought we had a great time....

At his request, we started counseling immediately and in the course of the sessions he admitted to an affair about 20 years ago with a neighbor (the mother of my daughter's best friend). He said he had assumed I had known about it. The other betrayed spouse had confronted him. I'm such an idiot, I thought that the other husband was crazy. MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.

So now, I have not only the current affair (over before I found the mail, but it happened and he wasn't going to tell me and I never saw any signs) and also the knowledge of this other one to deal with. He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???

How can I bear this? I cry every day. I cannot believe how stupid I was. We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.

Itstoohard posted 7/19/2014 16:28 PM

I'm so sorry Dkrms15.(hugs) when you find out so many years later it changes you whole history. I thought my husband was "just" a flirt but it appears that's a big red flag for poor boundaries. Glad you're here the people so SI are wonderful .

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/21/2014 06:30 AM

D krms 15 It suck to find out years later because he robbed you of the choice of weather to stay or go. I fI would've have and sp does. we had seven years of me not knowing but my instinct wouldn't let it rest. when I fond out the truth I was both devastated and relieved. I wasn't crazy after all. He had spent a lot of time trying to convince me that it was all in my head. We (I) did try ad work things out. We went to IC, MC, and read a lot. He only put in a little effort. He figured it was the past and over. For me it was a struggle and by the time I thought I had healed he was and is out the door. I don't feel bad about the years that we tried but think long and hard about what you do. I think a lot depends on weather the FWS is truly remorseful or just sorry he got caught

crossroads2010 posted 7/21/2014 08:19 AM

Dkrms15

Almost 5 years ago, I found emails...started looking b/c H was acting really weird...that gut feeling they talked about spurred me to investigate...I never felt the need to investigate before...not in 35+ years! Short version...he was having an A with an old gf...one from even before me that I had never heard of. Okay, so I am thinking this is bad...this hurts...he's having a midlife crisis thing...etc. Then the real shocker...ha had an A with her 20 years before when our oldest was just a toddler!

MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.

All these years, I NEVER KNEW??? He kept this from me???

You should ask your H if he really thought that you knew, did he think you just never ask him about it? Also the confession of the old A...that baffles me as well. Did he just feel the need to confess??

When I confronted my WH about the emails and he told me who she was, he confessed about the A 20 years prior. I wondered why ...after all these years. I think it was b/c he felt like it justified his current A with her...old gf...buried feelings, etc.

You will find that the current A hurts in one way, but he past A has other consequences. In my case, we were happy then...starting careers, family, first house...pressures, but we were close, secure...I thought. How could he have done that back then and me not even suspect?? How could he have kept it a secret all these years? How can I ever believe him after such a huge 20 year lie? Who else knew and did not tell me?

First...you were a trusting spouse...that what a spouse is supposed to be. You are supposed to be able to blindly trust your life partner. YOU are not crazy.

We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.

Me too...40 years and two kids and a lot of life...good and bad together. It wasn't ALL a lie...but he is not the person you thought he was...now you know. Whatever happens, now you know the truth.

He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???

You don't and may never...things have changed...the blind trust is gone. That doesn't mean your M can't survive, but things are different. In my case, it is the same OW...I am supposed to believe that they had the 2 A's 20 years apart and that was all. As far as others, he says no, but ???

I don't post here...on this thread... a lot and probably should look here more b/c the old A are definitely harder to deal with in the long run. The current A have more sting but finding out about deceptions from years before, lies of the past, have deeper consequences I think. While you are in MC, ask questions...all you can.

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/22/2014 09:32 AM

Cross roads

You will never know if there were more or all the details of the ones you do know about. For many FWS the As really meant so little to them or ith time the have truly forgotten many of the details.

I think one of the hardest things is for us the BS to go back in time and remember and wonder the hat ifs? I read here someplace and I don't remember exactly where but do not let the knowledge of what you ws did rob you of your past.
Your past is as you remember it. Hang on to those good memeories/ At first this is hard but after awhile I got it. Don't let them rob you of what you felt. Your feelings were and are real.

You will never trust agin the ay you did before but that is okay. I have read that it takes twics as long to recover from an A as the the A lasted. For those of us who found out years later we hae the added burden of knowing our sPs lied for however many years. I think even these M can recover if both partners put in 110%. I also feel it important to listen to you gut. It knows.

Dkrms15 posted 8/3/2014 18:56 PM

So, 20 years apart...once a cheater, always a cheater? Are we foolish to try again? We still enjoy each other's company, the sex is good, the counseling is moving us forward, but a third betrayal would kill me.

Sleepingbeauty posted 8/3/2014 19:38 PM

Dkrma15- I really don't know. I think if both the WS and BS want to make it work it can. For me the second time was the end. He choose the OW but I don't think I would've gotten over a second betrayal.

SMSA925 posted 8/5/2014 17:50 PM

Oh, Dkrma!

WH had affair with a newlywed OW 24 yrs ago. We were not married then, I was the pregnant GF. This was before the age of Facebook, smart phones and even email. Her BH found out and my then WBF backed off. Baby was born, I found out but R'd, we got married and life went on. I never had a problem like that again until Jan, 2014. Guess who? Yep, OW from 24 yrs ago. Crazy thoughts go through your head. I didn't know how they had left it, 24 yrs ago. Maybe "I'll always love you but this is such bad timing"? Maybe now was the right time? Had they been seeing each other on and off over the years? All I really know is they didnt hit it off so well this time. Hes now 61 yrs old., not the young passionate guy she remembers. And she is menopausal mother of two, not a pert young newlywed. I know just about everything about this recent encounter, but almost nothing about the first. And now its all brought up again. So many unanswered questions. Dont know yet how its going to play out with us.

grneyes72 posted 8/5/2014 19:22 PM

I'm new here. Found out 6/7 that my husband had an affair with another mom from my son's sports team 8/2011-early 2012. It supposedly started right before I was diagnosed with cancer and continued through my surgery and treatment. I was able to read messages between them from 10/4-6/1. I know it did end. I just don't know what to do. I love him. He says he loves me and is sorry and will do whatever it takes to keep his family. He swears that was the one and only affair and it was a huge mistake. He wanted to go to counseling and we have started marriage and individual counseling. I however feel like I may not want to continue with the counseling. We have 3 kids. Have been together almost 19 years and married for over 13 years.

Dkrms15 posted 8/5/2014 22:27 PM

After 19 years, I think you owe it to yourself to give counseling at least a few month's chance. I totally understand the desire to cut and run, but think of where you want to be 5, 10, or 20 years fom now. That being said, if I knew then what I know now, maybe I would have been better off cutting my losses and moving on...

grneyes72 posted 8/7/2014 09:34 AM

I just don't know what to do. Football starts this week and I will see OW. I have not decided if I should confront her or not. I am all over the place.

crossroads2010 posted 8/11/2014 05:57 AM

grneyes72

you are so close to dday and this is still such a shock...just take one day at a time. You have a lot to process. Honestly, I think I would focus on the IC...MC is great if WH is willing to put effort into it, but realize you will need him to answer questions.

Seeing the OW...bless your heart. Do you talk to this woman at games...know her? If not I would hold off on confronting.

Dkrms and SMSA

think of where you want to be 5, 10, or 20 years from now.

This is so true...I'm in my late 50's ...I need answers ...life is short.

Crazy thoughts go through your head. I didn't know how they had left it, 24 yrs ago. Maybe "I'll always love you but this is such bad timing"? Maybe now was the right time? Had they been seeing each other on and off over the years?

Drives you crazy doesn't it? I don't have much to go on as I didn't even know she existed until 5 years ago.