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Friday July 11, 2014 6:32 AM

Dear Carolyn: I have two friends who live in the same destination-friendly town — “Emily” from
college and “Jane” from high school. Both have children the same age as mine, and both mean a great
deal to me. Every summer I visit both, trying to split time between the two.

I can’t bear to be around Emily’s child. He has been outright malicious toward my son and in one
instance caused him physical harm. I have tried to confront her about my issues with him, but she
becomes defensive and accusatory and doesn’t seem to see his behavior as cause for alarm. She tends
to laugh off his behavior, and he takes full advantage of her lackadaisical approach to his
behavior. My husband and high-school friends note the same concerns.

I try to be patient and understanding, but my husband refuses to come with my son and me on
visits to see Emily. This summer, I have planned to spend most of my trip with Jane and her
family.

Emily is offended that I am not splitting my time equally between the two. I have no issues with
her as a person, and I still value her friendship. I can’t handle the stress of being around her
son, however, and I don’t know how to express this without hurting her feelings and ruining a
20-year friendship. I want to do the right thing here, but I don’t know what that is.

— Conflicted and Stressed

Dear Conflicted:

You’re tiptoeing around this thing because you’re afraid of how Emily will react.

Fearing Emily’s reaction, though, validates her defensiveness because it reveals your tacit
agreement that protecting your son and reducing your time with Emily are mean, terrible things to
do to her.

But they’re not. You’ve seen how the boys (don’t) get along, and your actions are a rational way
to deal with that.

So stop hiding your logic and instead be upfront about it: “Emily, this isn’t personal; it’s
also temporary. The past few visits, Butch and Chachi haven’t gotten along. I’m taking the pressure
off. When they get older, we’ll go back to the way things were.”

Note, though, that this suggested script is just about the way the boys interact (fact) and not
about her son or her permissiveness as monster creator (opinion). You might be right about all of
it, but her son might also turn out just fine. You won’t know this for years. In the meantime,
strong friendships can survive creative scheduling, but they rarely withstand one friend’s judging
another.

So you need to protect your boy — done. But what belongs next on the priority list? Protecting
your 20-year friendship strikes me as a valid priority over your husband’s protecting himself — at
least for a visit. It wouldn’t be unfair to ask your husband to do better than duck for cover: He
can enjoy some one-on-one time with your son while you give Emily her fair share of your attention,
or he can stick around and supervise the boys while you spend unburdened time with your friend.
Surely there’s a similar trade-off you can make for him in return.