Going to the Prom Pisses Off God

Here in the spiritual but not righteous offices of the Curmudgeon, we are shocked – shocked, I say- that such mind-bending attitudes on Christianity still exist. The “attitude” that I speak of is the notion that dancing, rock music and hand-holding is against God’s wishes. Say what? Oh my God! Not the hand-holding! Beg God’s forgiveness, sinners!

This makes me want to spit up my Christ Corn Flakes (now with crucifix shaped marshmellows!) Ok, I’m not that religious a guy, but these are the people who give Christianity a bad name. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The AP reported today that in Findlay, Ohio, a teenager was suspended from his school for attending another school’s prom. The rats in question? Heritage Christian School in Findlay. Hey, they warned the 17 year old kid that he would be suspended if he went. These backwoods Baptists forbid dancing, rock music and hand-holding.

Wasn’t there a movie in 1984 with Kevin Bacon about this very thing? It was called Footloose or something, and it had this ridiculous, unbelievable plot about a kid who was forbidden to dance…oh…wait…you mean, that could really happen? They should have called it Screwsloose, cause these thumper’s heads aren’t on securely. Somebody needs to get out their Black and Decker and tighten those suckers down. Their escalators don’t go all the way to the top level, and certainly not to the Pearly Gates. Now in the schools defense there was definitely rock music, there was probably dancing, and god forbid there might have been hand-holding. Gosh, maybe the kid even got lucky and they…I dare not say it…kissed. Shhhh! And that leads to the spread of cooties!

I like that kid. He danced in the face of authority. Even more impressively, he didn’t go to school the next day, instead he and his girlfriend headed for New York and the talk show circuit. They’ll probably be sharing a hotel room, and with hormones all a raging, I can guess what happens next. Fornication, my friends. Life leads to fornication! So thank you, Baptists. In all your twisted wisdom you have pointed another young person down the road to perdition.