Seriously, Is Feeling Bad About Wanting a Boyfriend a Real Thing for You Kids Today?

My best friend once said she had decided to stop feeling guilty, just in case it was giving her forehead lines. Ha! But seriously, there’s a lot of stuff women feel guilty about these days--mostly eating dessert, if you consult the world of stock photos. And to add to the discussion of guilt, there’s an interesting article over at The Atlantic today by Leslie Bell, a sociologist and psychotherapist who claims that in her research on 20-something women, she has found that a lot of them really want meaningful relationships with men but that they feel guilty about wanting that. She says:

Many express the same sentiment again and again: "Why do I, a young and highly educated woman in the 21st century, value relationships with men so highly?" To do so feels like a betrayal of themselves, of their education, and of their achievements.

She also goes on to say that young women feel judged for being too relationship-oriented, by parents who warn them not to settle down too early, and by friends who encourage them to spend their youth exploring. Really? And here I just thought I was lucky to NOT get pressure from my parents to settle down, even as I passed my 20s and entered my 30s. I didn’t realize it had gone the opposite way for younger women these days.

If that’s really the case, I feel grateful that I’ve never felt like education and romance were mutually exclusive things I had to choose between. Maybe it’s because I did spend most of my 20s in one relationship or another, so it felt like more of a given for me (at the time), or maybe it’s because I grew up in the Midwest, where most of my high school and college friends settled down even earlier than I would have considered, but enjoying having a boyfriend didn’t feel like an interference in my life. I’ve had a mild case of the boy-crazies since my first elementary school crush, but I also spent my 20s concentrating on my education and starting (and then completely changing) my career. It felt like there was plenty of room for both.

And I'm glad for that. Romance certainly isn't the only thing in life, but relationships with other people are really important to me (and I think to most people). That includes family, friends, and romantic partners. I don't feel guilty about wanting to have a close, fulfilling relationship with my family, even though at times, that can be at odds with my career ambitions. I just work on balancing the two. So why should I feel bad about wanting to do the same with a boyfriend? Sure, relationships may make life a little more complicated, but they also make it a lot more worth living, right?

Bell’s ultimate point is not that women should revert to a stereotype of spending all their time pining for romance, but that women who want both professional success and a relationship are acknowledging the full range of their desires. And I agree. I'm glad that we're moving past the ridiculous stereotype that the only thing women care about is finding a guy, because that's lame and untrue, but it's OK if it's one of the things you care about. Feeling guilty about wanting a meaningful relationship is a waste of time and of your smooth 20-something foreheads. Trust me, my wrinkles and I know.

Have you ever felt guilty about wanting to have a relationship? Do people make you feel hesitant about settling down? Or do you feel the opposite, like there's too much pressure on you to find a boyfriend?