It’s been those days where its just one let down after another, and you know the right people are finally in your life to help you get out. Yet you are too afraid to say anything because you’re scared that thier perspective of them will change, you’ll be seen as an “untouchable”.

Well, that is how my life has been lately, just slowly shrinking and falling down. Just how dominoes work, one falls into the next. Well where is the end of this chain? Where is that sun at the end of the tunnel with the fresh air? I can step out and just breathe, and it will be so sweet and wonderful.

I feel like I was getting there slowly, I was just getting back to me and I was happy, I finally found what I needed. And it’s so crazy! So insane how fast things can change and make you feel like shit. I just didn’t think, perhaps that is my fault, for being foolish and ignorant, thinking like that invincible girl. I am not though, I am not indestructible, not made of steel or stone.

I am human.

Realizing I am human, perhaps is something we forget, we always think we are more than what we actually are. So we indulge ourselves and we become selfish and mindless, I suppose like our own “zombie” race. We have the mindset that we can rule the world, so we play with death thinking we will out run him, out smart him, and be able to hide from him, we play chicken.

Each time, I played chicken.

I need to change things, take control more, take a step back from the speeding highway. I finally met people, and they’re amazing. I laugh and feel great, there is a sense of acceptance and no worries. There the goofy moments and pranks and outings, the weekend random plans. It’s fantastic, it is what I was looking for, and I found it. I suppose when you take a step forward, there is always two steps back.

I can’t let silly past mistakes hold me back from heading towards what I want. I just don’t know sometimes what I want, where I am heading towards. I don’t expect myself to know, I just need to know that I am happy and living the best I can.
So I suppose I can end this on a positive note;

The golden light which sparkled in her eyes, now left through the damaged cracks. A soulless body remained staring at the walls, nothing seemed to be alive anymore, she was breathing,but she couldn’t feel it. A certain numbness over powered her body, she had lost it all. A rock bottom was where she sat, slowly making it’s way towards her, each time taking over inch by inch the room, darkening it as the hours passed by. The darkness soon reached out with long thin claws to grip around her feet that dangled inches away from ground. Turned away in terror she crawled into her bed to the corner, her back against the wall with her knees drawn in. She figured if her back is touching the wall, nothing can grab her from behind, only from in front, but this monster only came at night, when the mind was at its best, slipping into it’s subconscious and drowning her with thoughts unknown that had been pushed away for so long.

This was no friend of hers, she wasn’t ready to accept this darkness, she didn’t want to fall into it. There had to be some escape or a way to avoid this nightmare. She scanned her room, the darkness now made it’s way to her walls and now the shadows were playing their games. Bouncing around and shaping disturbing objects. They played with her mind, tricking her into thinking they were something else, something warm and welcoming. She stayed in her corner with her knees against her as she hugged herself tightly.

She sunk down to her covers and let them protect her, she fell asleep facing the only wall where she knew the darkness had not touched. Upon waking up to crust salted cheeks, she glanced at her room again, the sun was peeking through the curtains casting down the warmth from outside. She let out a deep sigh and sat up letting her feet touch the floor, another battle fought, another night won.

Although she wondered, how many were soon to come?

– Mariana

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So here is a short story, I decided to start writing some short stories again and this just came from out of the blue I suppose. So enjoy and happy readings 🙂

Teach me to be fearless,
Show me that I can live without being
so afraid.
Pull me away,
because I know I won’t be able to do it alone.
Fear, I am tired of living in it.
I want to dream about things that I deserve and do things on my own
Instead of living in shit.
And not keep them astray.
be happy about them.
This realism that seeps between slowly melts that away.
I am not cold
I am not bitter.
Me? I cannot always be the babysitter.
I see the world for how I feel safe.
The best and keep in mind
downside to things, so I don’t keep my hopes awake.
Disappointments.
Life, there are no times for appointments.
Teach me to take these risks
Teach me how to simply kiss.
How to love, how to smile, just try to keep that around
Try to keep me
For a while.
Take my fingers and slowly trace them over
Until every detail has been engraved into my mind.
Teach me to have this patience and just be kind.
To have inner confidence with one,
Like the whole world revolves around me
And only me,
Because I am
The sun.
Don’t let me feel like shadow,
Walking behind what has already shined.
Don’t make all this a one track narrow
Walking around like nothing I have is really mine.
I want to learn, I want to be able to breath it all in.
Feel guilty for my pleasures that I fulfill.
Do everything out of love and not have to sin.
Teach these ways to me.
You must know something.
Because to me, you seem so free.

It’s funny, as I walked home by myself of course I start to talk. I rant off about my thoughts, perspectives and future plans in my life that I hope to achieve. I started thinking, if I could have a job, maybe I’d manage a morgue, or drive a hearse. Most people have a common fascination with dark and death and weird things like that, it just sparks our curiosity. Most people tend to fear death upon themselves, I simply accept it as part of life and it’s cycle.
Ironic though, I fear death touching upon my loved ones. I think sometimes that is why I fear, and I get so scared to dedicate myself to someone, having that future. I think of the future, and beyond, growing old, becoming accustomed to their company everyday and them being there for me, and suddenly they are just gone and I can never get them back. I have to selfishly live on what I have left in life. I cannot deal with losing people. Sometimes I want to end everything, cut off all connections with humanity and my relationships with others so I wouldn’t have that feeling of loss. I almost lost my sister once, and losing her again would be heart breaking. Losing any of my friends, I could not imagine what my life would be like, and losing that someone I love,it would feel as if part of me died as well. I don’t have that many close friends and maybe that is why, or maybe I just don’t need that many. Or maybe because I am twisted enough to think, if I stay in contact with them in the future, and one day my phone rings saying one of them passed. I can not deal with death like that. Yet somehow I am willing to accept my own?
I am scared of many things, I admit that, but its not like spiders and clowns and ghost stories and such, solid things, things I can touch, see, hear, taste. That doesn’t scare me. I am afraid of what I cannot control, what my mind sees that I wish not to, the things it thinks of when I try to ignore.
Suddenly, tears start to stream down my face and slowly sink into my pillow. I am scared, I am fucking terrified. Never felt this before and it’s going to drive me to the brink of insanity. I do have fears, don’t we all?

After all, fear is what keeps us living, it lets us know that we are human, that we are alive.

Good show, have been hooked on it ever since it came out. The plot is great characters are amazing and the fashion, don’t even get me started on that. Anyways back to the quote. It stuck out to me, for some reason it just did, I disagreed, I agreed and now I am back to disagreeing, why?

Falling in love, its beautiful and everything is so carefree in ways and yet scary because sometimes you stop to think, is this REALLY what love is like? Maybe it was just in your mind, it was just simple puppy love. Although knowing that someone is there for you, cares for you, has a need to be in your life. It feels right, it is simple. Everything about the friendship and bond is simple. They are you’re partner, your lover, your best-friend, your family, pretty much everything. For me, it isn’t cliche, it feels real because I have all those things in one person.

Not drunk text, sleepy text.

So here is what I disagree in, you can love anyone and anything, that is true, but that isn’t so scary, what scary is when they are gone you are just left. You don’t seem to know what to do anymore and your whole world seems lost. Like someone just died in your life and even though it isn’t true you still know they aren’t coming back, but you will always love them. Losing someone is what is scary when you love someone.

“I just don’t know how to do stuff without him anymore” – Babe ( a line from the play I am in)

You are angry and lost and afraid of falling for the same thing again, and again. That is where we learn though, we know what we want, what we don’t want, what time was worth spending and what was wasted and what we are willing to risk. I suppose that is one thing to look at that isn’t so scary. We don’t let ourselves just “fall” no we build it, slowly and cautiously , we keep our minds and hearts open to others and let them slowly into our lives. That is how I think it happens.

Though what would I know? I am just some silly teenage girl right? Only just experiencing a small taste of life in the “fast lane”.