Opinion: The real video game industry conspiracy

I have a problem with the video game industry--a very big problem that has been overlooked by the mainstream and understream media since the dawn of magazines. No one is talking about it, so I’ll be the first, the trailblazer, that selfless soul that will be ridiculed and threatened to expose the truth we all know about but are just too nationalistic in our ways to say is true. The video game industry, and gamers, hates Canada.

I’ve been a gamer since the age of four, getting my very first Nintendo when I wasn’t even in elementary school. How little did I know that the anti-Canadian indoctrination by the unholy Japanese-American alliance had begun. I, like many of my peers around the world at the time, started playing video games with Super Mario Bros. But who is Mario? Sure he is white, sure he is a man saving some damsel, but he is Italian-American. More importantly, he is not Canadian. As I grew up, and through the years of playing SNES, Genesis, PlayStation, Dreamcast, all the systems on the market, I was being conditioned, socialized by everything I saw. Nowhere did I see that beautiful, pixelated Canadian flag stare at me from the TV screen. Oh sure, you’ll point out to me “Hey, what about Bear Hugger from Punch-Out?” You mean the fat, weak, lumberjack who is barely better than Gabby Jay? Even Cuba had a boxer ranked better than him… and America hates Cuba.

No, my friends, I grew up in a wasteland of a childhood and adolescence because I had no positive role models to aspire to. If I wanted to be a hero, a legend, have the men and women swoon all over me like a gift from the heavens, then I’d need to either start singing the Stars and Stripes or start speaking Japanese. The great white north had no heroes to call its own, only weak, racist caricatures. So here and now I am asking you to spread the word against the privileged Americans, who sit atop the gaming throne and look down on us. I call out my fellow comrades in the former Soviet bloc countries who feel my exact pain. The pain that you must be Russia because you’re kind of the same, just like I had to choose Great Britain when playing my World War II games.