AN engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern
angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building
improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a
pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things
are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

Three lawyers and three
engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each
buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train.
The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and
close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was
quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't
buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks
one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three
engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of
the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

CHANGES in the operation of our factory are specified on standard forms, which are then
posted. One of our engineers decided to announce her pregnancy in this manner. The
instructions were: "To Debbie and Tony DiBiase, add one little DiBiase in seven
months." Delighted staff members trooped by to congratulate her. One engineer,
however, read the notice and then asked her, "Are you going to get pregnant?"
"I'm not going to," she hinted, but he still seemed confused.
"Loren," she said, "think of this as an engineering problem. If you have a
project that takes nine months to complete, and you're going to finish it in seven months,
what does that mean?" A true engineer, Loren replied, "You're going to get a
bonus?"

As a test pilot for Boeing, I participated in the flight-test program of the U.S. Air
Force's E-3A airplane. It's a modified 707, and a large circular device called a radome
mounted on top of the fuselage makes it easy to identify. On one flight, Boeing radioed me
just as I had passed over a golf course. They said they were on the phone with a golfer
who worked as an engineer on the E-3A program. He said that one just flew over and it
looked as if the radome wasn't turning properly. I told Boeing everything was fine and to
tell the man to keep his head down. Later I got a call in my office. The person identified
himself as the engineer I had told to keep his head down. He wanted me to know that he'd
finally made a hole in one.

MY COMPANY provides a bicycle rack for employees who pedal to
work. One day, from my post as security officer, I saw one of our engineers return
to his ten-speed with a worried look on his face. He approached the bike as if
looking for something, circled it several times, and then sat on the curb. I walked
out and asked what was wrong. "I can't believe it," he said. "I
locked myself out of my bike."

A HERD of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the
weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies
and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and engineering performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting
married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can
maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing
its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the
bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak,
and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you can
be.

AN ENTHUSIASTIC but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was
waiting to see the purchasing agent of the engineering firm where my husband worked.
The salesman was there to submit his company's bid, or price quote, for a
particular job. He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on
the purchasing agent's desk. Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a juice
can. The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, and the salesman
reached over and lifted the can. His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB
pellets pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.

MY HUSBAND, a supervisory aerospace engineer, had been
retired three months before he visited his old workplace. He wandered into one
office and found a draftsman laboring earnestly. He hardly looked up the whole time
he chatted with my husband. Sensing that he was interrupting an important project,
my husband was about to excuse himself when the draftsman threw down his instruments and
sat back. "For Pete's sake," he said, "it's just dawned on me that I
no longer have to look busy when you appear."

AN ENGINEER at my company learned shortly before quitting
time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool
members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he
scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last minute meeting.
Leave without me. Ted." At 6:30 p.m., the engineer stopped at his
desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You
drove."