Thursday, December 20, 2007

the story of christmas, 2007.

In the early morning hours, police and Social Services were alerted by a concerned citizen who discovered a family living in a stable.

When Social Services workers and police officers arrived at the scene, they found an infant, which had been wrapped in cloth strips and placed in a manger by his 14-year-old mother, a Mary H. of Nazareth.

During the arrest of the mother, a man later identified as Joseph H., also of Nazareth, tried to interfere with the work of the officials. Joseph, supported by three shepherds and three unidentified foreign nationals, tried to prevent the removal of the child, but was stopped by police officers, who Tasered him into compliance.

Also arrested were the three unknown foreign nationals, who identified themselves as "wise men" from "a Middle Eastern country." Homeland Security and Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents are looking for clues regarding the identity of the three foreigners, who appear to be in the country illegally. A police spokesman said that the three carried no identification of any kind, but that immigration officials confiscated undisclosed amounts of gold and possible illicit substances under federal asset forfeiture provisions. The suspects resisted arrest and told police that God had directed them to go home and avoid all contact with authorities. The confiscated chemicals were sent to a police laboratory for further analysis.

Police declined to identify the current location of the infant. A fast resolution of the case seems to be doubtful. Upon further questioning, a Social Services official commented:

"The father is middle-aged, and the mother definitely still a minor. We are checking with the authorities in Nazareth as to the nature of their relationship."

Mary H. is in the Bethlehem County Hospital for mental and psychological examinations. The District Attorney has announced that she will have to face neglect and child endangerment charges at the least. Her mental condition is questionable, as she claims to still be a virgin, and that the child's father is God Himself.

The chief of psychiatry at Bethlehem County released the following statement:

"It's not my place to question religious belief, but when that belief leads to the endangerment of a newborn, these people have to be classified as dangerous. The fact that drugs were involved--probably distributed by the foreigners present at the scene--does not inspire confidence in the innocence of the suspects. I am however confident that all people involved have the potential to take their place as responsible members of society again in a few years, given the right treatment."

Finally, the statements of the shepherds to the police suggest that "a tall man in a white nightgown with wings on his back" ordered them to go to the stable and celebrate the birth of the child. A spokesman of the Drug Enforcement Agency stated that "this was just about the dumbest cover story ever put forward by those doped-up bearded hippie types."