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Washington Wizards star Michael Jordan sued a girlfriend for
trying to extort hush money from him. He already had an affair
with her and now he wants to wreck her credibility. If Al Gore
wants the Democratic nomination he had better move fast.

Maryland police arrested John Allen Muhammad at a highway
rest stop Thursday as the serial sniper. Anti-war protesters can't
catch a break. Two days before the big peace march in Washington,
the sniper turns out to be a guy named Muhammad.

The Secret Service caught a guy jumping over the White House
fence Thursday. The agents said the White House has always
attracted mentally unstable people. Ever since John McCain hosted
Saturday Night Live, they've had the net out for him.

Congress doubled the number of public tours through the
Capitol Friday. Last year, tours were cut back for security
reasons. However, campaign finance reform starts November 6th and
many lawmakers expect to make ends meet by mugging tourists.

The Victoria's Secret Lingerie Show will air November 20th
on CBS. Let's not waste a golden opportunity. This is the kind of
show the United States can offer to show the North Korean
government if they will halt their nuclear weapons program.

The World Series between the San Francisco Giants and
Anaheim Angels helped to double beer sales over the weekend.
Before each commercial break they showed a picture of a cold,
frosty one. Those tributes to Ted Williams were really moving.

Terry Bradshaw was honored at halftime of the Pittsburgh
Steelers game Monday in Pittsburgh. He comes from an old English
family. Burke's Peerage in London recently confirmed that Terry
Bradshaw is a direct descendant of the Duke of Hazzard.

Hurricane Kenna slammed into the western coast of Mexico on
Friday. The wind speeds were clocked at one hundred and twenty
miles per hour. For the first time in history, Mexicans are
arriving in California who had no intention of moving here.
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Osama bin Laden's will was published Saturday in London. In
it he apologizes to his kids for not spending more time with them.
If he really cared for them, he would leave them his current
address so they could collect the $25 million reward.

Saddam Hussein could face a copyright infringement suit from
Whitney Houston for playing I Will Always Love You in his campaign
commercials. No royalty was paid. Of course, getting rid of
royalty is what put him in power in the first place.

Walter Mondale was mentioned by Minnesota Democrats Friday
as a replacement Senate candidate. He ran for president in 1984
and lost to Ronald Reagan by forty-nine states to one. Walter
Mondale had the extreme misfortune to run for president the exact
year that Baby Boomers stopped partying and started paying
property taxes.

The Democrats will use Bill Clinton's name and photo in
fundraising e-mails to urge donors to give generously. It's worth
a shot. Only pornography and gambling make money on the Internet,
so using Bill Clinton's name just might work.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements,
please click here.