The premise of Muppets Tonight was that Clifford - voiced by Kevin Clash - was the host of a variety/talk show on KMUP. The show stuck closely to the Muppet Show format of various skits (mostly featuring the show's human guest star) interspersed with some sort of crisis occurring backstage.

Miss Piggy: [repulsed] Infomercials? Hahah, hah, hah, hah: it is to laugh! Moi am a star! I do not stoop so low as to do... infomercials!

Redshirt: [Turns on tv] Hey, Miss Piggy, They're running one of those infomercials you do not doooo... [Miss Piggy eliminates him]

Miss Piggy: Hahahah, haah.

Infomercial: And not only do my Pigwig hair extentions make a provocative fashion statement - as - vous - can - plainly - see, but... they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. Look! The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself! Whoa, whoa!

Miss Piggy: Don't laugh, it paid for the beach house.

[Clifford has foolishly agreed to hire Andy and Randy Pig, two nephews of Miss Piggy]

Clifford: So which one of you fellows are Andy, and which one's Randy?

Andy & Randy: This job is too hard!

[Statler and Waldorf in the nursing home]

Waldorf Nurse, there's something wrong with this tv!

Statler: What's that?

Waldorf: It's on! [both laugh]

[Next week: Elvis of Arabia]

Elvis of Arabia: Dang, it's hot out here!

[Clifford is still a bit dizzy from his last encounter with Miss Piggy]

Clifford: Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sweet musical number, from The Sound of Music... number.

Hercule Poirot: [French accent] Everyone, please take your seats. Nobody move! Please be seated. Touch nothing! Sit, sit, sit. And, er, by the way, it is not Hercules, it is Hercule, Mm, mm. Now, I would like to begin my investigation, by asking a few questions.

Bobo: Oh, er, I have a question there, Hercules. Er, are you gonna use your superstrength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?

Fozzy: But, but how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waist coat.

Hercule Poirot: I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercules.

Fozzy: Oh, I get it. He's working under cover.

Bobo: Shht. Don't get him mad. He'll rip up the train tracks and tie em around your neck.

Hercule Poirot: Yes. I might, if I was Hercules, which I am not. Now, if I may proceed with my investigation.

Bunsen: Yes, yes, yes, please everyone, let him proceed with his investigation. [...] What are you going to do first? Fly around the earth backwards, so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?

Hercule Poirot: [Normal voice] Allright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules. And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the Earth. I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.

Clark Barr: Where was I? Where was I? Oh yes, yes, yes! Ha ha! Oh, I can't believe this, me the most powerful lawyer in 21 Muppet Heights, and you[disbelief is apparent] a succesful male supermodel, here we are, both being taken advantage of by Diamanda. Come out, come out, Diamanda, and let the world see the evil side of womanhood!

Clifford: You know... the usual! Where the spy has a fight scene, dances with beautiful women, gets tortured and saves the day!

007: [pauses for a moment while staring blankly] And what do I do?

Clifford: That is what you'll be doing, man, just like in your movies.

007: But Clifford, this is live television. In the movies we plan everyting and we do it over and over again until we get it right. I mean: we have stunt-men and special effects and we go to exotic locations like... Istanbul and... Constantinople.

[The Four rats pop up again.]

Rats: Now every gal in Constantinople,

lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople,

so if you've a date, in Constantinople,

she'll be waiting in Istanbul!

007: You know Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat-song , has given me time to think: I'll do the sketch!

[James Bond meets the bad guy in the casino]

007: Hey Blowfish, you up to your old tricks of playing pinochle again, hey?

Blowfish: It's blackjack, you fool!

007: So, changed your name to Black Jack? Very clever! But I still recognise you!

[...]

MC: [French accent] Ladies and gentleman, The Maman Casino is proud to present the song stylings of... Miss Porky Galore!

[Swift Wits, the fastest game-show on earth. Hosted by Nookie Blier]

Nookie Blier: Here is today's contestant, mister Arthur Model.I understand you have a very interesting story about the time you had a sea cruise with the Dalai Lama?

Arthur Model: Yes, Nookie, you see: we were a...

Nookie Blier: Ahah. Okay Arthur. I said you have a interesting story. I didn't say that I wanted to hear it!

[The Rock Lobsters enter the KMUP building and encounter Bobo the Security Bear, who is on the phone]

Band leader: After we do our number, we take over the studio and make our demands!

Drummer: Okay!

Bobo: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! What are you guys doing here?

Band leader: Eh, we're the Rock Lobsters, we're here to do our big Rock Lobster song on the show.

Drummer: Yeah, and then we're gonna take over the studio!

Band leader: [to drummer] Sssht, Chatterhead! [to Bobo] He was talking about how, how bears will believe anything you tell 'em.

Bobo: [laughs] You got that right! Ah, have a good day, fellows!

[007 juggles with Andy and Randy Pig.]

007: Coming at you Nancy, coming at you Clancy! [Throws clubs at the Pigs]

Andy: [As clubs hit them on the head] Aw! We should have found out what juggling is. Aw!

007: There we go. Coming at you. Don't lose interest.

Randy: Aw. Why is he hitting us?

Andy and Randy: This job is too hard!

Statler: Well, I guess you gotta take the bad with the good.

Waldorf: Yeah, but I'm still waiting for the good! [both laugh]

[The Rock Lobsters are nearing the end of their song.]

Clifford: [to Rizzo] Figure those lobsters out there: aren't they cute? With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars and their little lobster semi-automatic weopons.

[Rizzo and Clifford both laugh, until it hits them]

[Cut to stage]

Band leader: [Interspersed with enthousiastic support from his peers] Keep that camera turned on me, or we will shoot you! Shellfish of the world, unite! We, the Crustacean Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppet Studios! Here we will announce our plans for world domination. Here are our demands: First, that from now on, when someone's in bad mood, no-more calling them 'crabs'. Second: when someone is short, no-more calling them 'shrimps'.

Band leader: [still making fierce demands] ...demand number 49: 'Istanbul should be changed back to Constantinople'.

[The four rats pop up and sing their song again]

Rats: So take me back to Constantinople.

No, you can't go back to Constantinople.

Been a long time gone, Constantinople.

Why did Constantinople get the works?

That's nobody's business but the Turks! Hey!!

Band leader: All right, so it wasn't a real demand, I just wanted to hear that song again! Anyway, until our demands are met, we rule the airwaves! We will control the entertainment on this show! We will put on what we wanna see! Men, what do we wanna see? [they discuss it amongst themselves] You're kidding me! Sure? [the men agree] Right then, we choose to put on... The Dancing Grandmas!!

Statler: Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.

Waldorf: What's that?

Statler: My pulse! [Both laugh]

[After five minutes, the demands have still not been met]

Band leader: Alright, it's been five minutes and I can see our demands aren't going to be met- Agnes, when I get home, I don't wanna hear you say 'I told you so!'. Now, to show you serious we are: Bring out the hostages! Heheheheh!

[Seymour and Pepe are being brought in, begging for mercy"]

Band leader: So, how does it feel now that you're about to be sacrificed, big-shot-capitalistic entertainers? Let's hear you sing now."

Seymour and Pepe: "Okay."

[Seymour and pepe perform their song for the second time ever on the air]

Pepe: Heheheh!

Seymour: I'm Seymour.

Pepe: I'm Pepe.

Seymour and Pepe: We're two of a kind.

Pepe: We're about to be sacrificed,

Seymour: and I've got a big behind?

Pepe: [to the lobsters] If we only had a little more time to prepare, okay. [Seymour agrees]

Band leader: Silence! Take 'em away before they sing again!

007: [Infiltrating the CLA] The name's Prawn, James Prawn!

007: Don't you think you're being a little...shellfish?

Band Leader: I am a little shellfish! Oh, I get it, it's a pun! Wait a second...crustaceans don't make puns!

Band Member: Yeah, you're no prawn!

Band Leader: Get him boys!

0007: Ok, your time's up! This is it! [hits the Band Leader with the 'Deadly Alarm Clock] You have really ticked me off now!

Ernst Stavros Grouper: No, you are Bill, and bubbles come out of your head.

Bill the Bubbleguy: Yes! It worked.

Ernst Stavros Grouper: Now, now, now. There will be a few more changes. Number One: Yellow will be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two: I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken.

Rizzo the Rat: Number three.

Ernst Stavros Grouper: Very good, Alfred, my obsiquious little worm.

Kermit the Frog: Err, Mr. Grouper

Ernst Stavros Grouper: Yes my little funky monkey

Kermit the Frog: I am a frog, I am not a monkey,

Ernst Stavros Grouper: Yes, and the Elephant Man is a human being, what else is new!

Kermit the Frog: Well, I tell you what's new. Just because you bought the company does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around.

Ernst Stavros Grouper: What are you saying Virgil?

Kermit the Frog: I tell you what I'm saying: if the muppets can't be who the muppets are, then I quit, Grouper, I quit, quit, quit!

Bobo the Bear: [to Clifford] Oh, oh, oh, well: Dennis Quaid is doing great! Yeahyeah, you know: you guys really ought to do this show together, you know, well, we can call it the, er, the Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet Good Time Hour Featuring Dennis Quaid! Huhhuh, haa!