‘Ex’ starts the rot in new relationships, study finds

Related

Maybe it takes a thrice-married American television writer to explain why Prince Charles and Camilla make such a perfect couple.

Don’t want your sweetheart staying chummy with an ex? You now have science on your side.

A new Canadian study reports that ex appeal is far more relevant than researchers previously assumed, with former flames affecting new romances in ways that, at best, prevent them from flourishing and at worse, damage their very foundation. Furthermore, the effects work both ways, with warm thoughts of an ex predicting decreased relationship quality, and decreased relationship quality predicting warm thoughts of an ex.

“The great thing about this research is that it’s so intuitive,” said lead author Stephanie Spielmann, a doctoral candidate in psychology at the University of Toronto.

“We’re showing that current relationships and past relationships are much more intertwined than research considers them; people generally understand that they’re related, but (science) has largely ignored that aspect.”

The study was conducted in three waves over six months, with 123 men and women reporting at each phase their current relationship quality, emotional attachment to ex-partners, and perceived quality of relationship alternatives. Participants ranged in age from 18 to 56, and were primarily from Canada and the U.S.

In those relationships that declined over time, increased longing for an ex-partner was significant — and it was above and beyond general yearning for a change of partner. In other words, as a person’s current romance became less satisfying, desire turned more strongly to lovers from the past.

“It was more than just looking for someone other than their current partner. There seemed to be something unique about an ex,” says Spielmann. “People can actually draw on feelings for ex-partners when they need to feel validated.”

In addition, increased longing for an ex predicted declines in a person’s current relationship quality, but only when the ex was their most recent previous partner. Spielmann explains this is likely because a recent ex is seen as a viable alternative, whereas a more distant ex is not.

The study notes nostalgia may also play a role, with romanticizing the past acting as a way of self-soothing in times of emotional threat.

“This has implications for people getting into new relationships very quickly after a breakup,” says Spielmann. “Your ex-partner can creep into your new relationship, and people should be mindful of that.”

The study, just released online, will appear in a future print edition of the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Comments

We encourage all readers to share their views on our articles and blog posts. We are committed to maintaining a lively but civil forum for discussion, so we ask you to avoid personal attacks, and please keep your comments relevant and respectful. If you encounter a comment that is abusive, click the "X" in the upper right corner of the comment box to report spam or abuse. We are using Facebook commenting. Visit our FAQ page for more information.