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Defending Elyse

Since ranting about ANTM a few months ago has actually not repelled readers, I thought I’d add a postscript about the search terms that most frequently bring people to my blog: Elyse Sewell 2013. To begin, I have no idea what she’s up to right now. Or last year, or the year before. But I do have some musings I’d like to finally get off my chest.1. She dated Marty Crandall from The Shins. In 2001 I fell quickly in love with Oh, Inverted World and three years later had a quick breakup when Zach Braff got his greasy mitts on “New Slang.” Thanks Zach, I didn’t realize it was such an amazing song. For your hate-watching torture, here’s the scene. I came back to The Shins a few years ago with “Sleeping Lessons” and as long as Braff doesn’t steal it away I’ll keep listening to Wincing the Night Away. But I digress. Before getting kicked out of the band and being arrested for domestic violence Crandall was a “visiting boyfriend” on America’s Next Top Model.

When this episode first aired in 2003 I had no idea that Crandall was Crandall. For me the dudes in the The Shins are faceless and nameless, only existing in my speakers.

2. I wish Top Model could’ve made more of Elyse’s speech about the science of beauty. This is one of my favorite topics and you’d think the ANTM judges table would be open to thinking about how estrogen levels impact the aesthetic value of a woman’s face. Sadly, not only were they too dumb to hear Elyse out but they voted her off afterwards, a subtle discrimination against intelligence. Watch Janice and Kimora brace themselves against Elyse’s big brain, here it comes!

In another dimension, Elyse could’ve expanded her speech to include the Golden Ratio then my life would’ve been complete. Sadly, it’s unlikely someone as intelligent as Elyse will be on ANTM; cycle 19, “The College Edition” was (un)surprisingly non-intellectual. I definitely don’t want to wander into the territory of “dumb things women say on t.v.” since there are many mimbos on our screens (looking at you Lochte). If anything this is more reason to bring Elyse back to t.v. and give her a platform for her thoughts. All these years later, her rants remain highly entertaining.