A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Dear Friends - it's a well known fact that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But, did you know that a chuckle a day can do the same? I hope you'll join me with your funny stories, anecdotes, poems - whatever. To get the ball rolling, here is my first contribution:

GRAFFITI
Do not feed the animals. They are dead.
(at a Butchers)

This is the worst chewing gum I have ever tasted.
(on a condom vending machine)

Make Love not war. See Driver for details.
(on the back of a van)

Back in a minute - Godot
(Dept of English, Columbia University, NY)

The future of Scotland is in your hands.
(urinal wall, St Andrews)

God is dead - Nietszche.
Nietsche is dead - God.

Einstein rules relatively, OK.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

We are the writing on your wall.

Join the army,
meet interesting people,
and kill them.

Be alert. Your country needs lerts.

100,000 lemmings can't be wrong

Do not adjust your mind!
There is a fault in reality.

Save trees - eat a beaver

Gravity is a myth.
The Earth sucks.

God is not dead, but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.

Having given the Doctor a fall description of how he felt the Dr told the man he was borderline clinically depressed. The Dr advised immediate action to prevent him falling further into despair.
Get yourself a good book and some quiet time to yourself. That was the first thing I tried replied the man, but it got so bad I’d just be reading and when I’d finished I couldn’t remember what I’d read.
OK how about the latest movie…..tried that said the man.
A hobby said the Dr! …..problem is said the man I’ve given up all my hobbies as they don’t fulfil me any more.
The Dr was now getting desperate himself and suddenly he remembers the circus was in town. Go to the circus said the Dr. There is a clown in that circus that has people rolling about laughing and if he can’t cheer you up nothing will!

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river
to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink
of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The
crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, ......."Dude! How much water did you
drink?!"

psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

''education ruined me''.....with me it didn't get a chance I was plain stupid and it failed to have the usual effect!

Did you hear that the Samaritans tried using a call center in Pakistan? it all went well until a guy phoned and said he felt suicidal. At which point they all got excited and wanted to know if he could drive a truck.

Did you hear that the Samaritans tried using a call center in Pakistan? it all went well until a guy phoned and said he felt suicidal. At which point they all got excited and wanted to know if he could drive a truck.

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."