Greatest Hits

Thursday, March 9, 2006

At The Ladens

“Good evening everyone, I’m Ben Mulroney, with co-hosts Joan Rivers and Mary Hart, and THIS is the Red Carpet pre-show for the 10th annual Bin-Cademy Film Awards. Welcome to beautiful sunny Tehran, and welcome to THE LADENS! Boy what an exciting night we’ve got lined up, how are you feeling Mary?”

“Oh, just great Ben. This really is an exciting night. Just fantastic.”

“And Joan, this is your first time at The Ladens, how are you feeling?”

“Great, I just wish I didn’t have to wear this Burka Ben. I mean, I haven’t felt this claustrophobic since I did an interview standing between Marlon Brando and Chris Farley ahahaha!”

“Hahaha. Yes indeed Joan, and this seems like a good time to point out to our viewers that our entire cast and crew is dressed in “traditional” Islamist atire according to the wishes of the show's producers.”

“Yeah, it’s a little different. We’ve always had the red carpet, but now we have to wear the matching drapes, ahahaha!”

“Hahahahaha. Yes well….oh look at this, the first mob has just rushed up. It looks like, yes, yes, oh its Darwish al Abdeen, star of stage and screen, and nominee for Best Supporting Actor in An Original Anti-Zionist Screenplay. Darwish! Dar! Dar! Hello Darwish, Ben Mulroney for ET. This is your first Laden nomination, tell us, how do you feel?”

“Oh its wonderful Ben. You know, the hype, the pomp and pageantry, the great anti-Semitic atmosphere….”

“Yes, now tell us quickly…..You played the tormented insurgent “Abbas”, in I Left My Limbs in Kandahar. Its one of the favorites here tonight. Tell us about the movie.”

“Ah well, it was a wonderful experience, it really was. The cast were fantastic, a great bunch of fanatics, the lot of em. Stevahn Speilbhar is a great director….he really gives his actors a lot of flexibility in their parts. You know, there is a lot of improv, the chants, the mobs, Jew-baiting... I find this makes the movie, and even the flagburnings... more realistic.”

“Hahaha. Ok, we go now to Mary Hart who, I’m told, has just caught up with acclaimed director Shehada din Abed al Fahed.”

“That’s right Ben, I’m here with Shehada din Abed al Fahed, director of the challenging and edgy pictureIntifada Mountain, which has been nominated in two categories; one for Best Original Blasphemy, and the other in Best Heresy. Tell us Mr. Fahed, what drove you to create a film about such a controversial subject?”

“Well, I truly and honestly believe that certain taboo and indeed forbidden topics, like homosexuality, need to be openly discussed within our Muslim community if we are to ever advance……hey!…..what?!?!……aaaahhhhhh……… ouch.... aaaahhhhhh!!”

“Oh my, Mr. Fahed has just been pummeled by a hail of stones from a rather quaint mob. It looks as though he may not make it through the rest of the ceremony... or life for that matter! This is so totally amazing! Still, we wish him the best! Back to you Ben.”

“Thanks Mary. And look who’s here now, the belle of Jihadywood, star of Memoirs of a Mufti, and nominee for Best Actress, Badra Rabid. You look lovely, as usual Badra.”

“Thank you Ben.”

“Tell us about your movie.”

“Well, it’s a family picture. It is the tale of one women’s life of humble servitude to her husband, with a few wicked Zionist plots thrown in, of course. My character, Samira, is a hotheaded housewife who continuously opposes her husband. Its really a light feel-good movie at its heart, so of course in the end Samira learns to strictly obey after her husband lovingly beats her.”

“It’s a great movie. Now, a few of your more rambunctious fans have stated, on the internet among other places, that they would love to see your face…”

“Oh my!”

“So I’ve gotta ask you, will we finally be treated to a peak under that Burka tonight?”

“Oh…hahaha… no I don’t think so!”

“Ah, well I had to ask. Best of luck Badra.”

“Thank you.... and, death to the great Satan!”

“Alright, now I’m told that we’re going over to Joan now… wait… no. It seems the religious police have arrested her… yes… ok… ok… yes; they’ve taken her away. Apparently her jokes didn’t go over too well, but she should be out in time for the 2014 Golden Globes. So... we’re going back over to Mary.”

“Thanks Ben. I’m here with a guest that a few of our viewers should recognized. It is of course famed documentary film-maker and superstar Michael Moore, who last year won an amazing 43 Ladens. Congratulations on all of your success Michael. Tell us about your film that is nominated here tonight in at least 134 categories.”

“Well Mary, it's a dramatic expose of the evil alliance between Walmart, George W. Bush, International Zionism, and their subjugation of the Muslim world.”

“Fantastic!! Recently, you’ve been criticized for living and making a living in America, or, “the Great Satan” as our local viewers may refer to it. How do you respond to these critics?”

“Well, I believe it’s a common misconception that America haters can’t live in America. If these critics looked a little closer, they would find a great many more people just like me, living in America... have you ever been to an American campus?”