just like Moby Dick, but shorter and less whale-oriented.

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Heatwave, Schmeatwave: The Art of Beating the Heat

This is probably an excellent place to buy drugs…(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Summer has officially struck. I was made aware of this when the following conversation happened with 32 different people today:

“How are you?”

“Not too bad. Just trying to beat the heat. It’s really hot!”

Yes, a terrible heat wave has set upon us. Instead of standing by your window and booing the outdoors (BOOOOOO!!!! YOU SUCK, WEATHER!!!), you can make the best of a bad situation. Just because it feels like you are in Dante’s Inferno the second you step outside does not mean you have to suffer. There are several ways to beat the heat:

1. No one is cooler during a heat wave than the polar bears at the local zoo. Why not jump in with them and take a dip? Then afterwards, enjoy a nice cozy nap nuzzling up to their furry body.

Pros: Very cool. Polar bears are fuzzy, so that’s nice.

Cons: Polar bears will kill you in a gruesome way. Also, they probably smell like fish.

2. There is nothing more refreshing than a nice frozen treat on a hot summer day. Grab a friend and head to your local ice cream parlor. Maybe stop an ice cream truck and enjoy a bomb-pop.

Pros: This is a delicious option.

Cons: You will get fat. I can not prove it, but I believe that all ice cream truck drivers are secretly pushing speed out of the back of their truck. Ice cream parlors can be nice, but they can be outrageous when it comes to pricing. Yeah, I’m talking to you YogurtMountain! I’m like an elephant: I never forget. Also my nose makes strange noises, but that’s unrelated.

3. Air conditioning is nice, but I like to take it one step further. Your local grocery store is full of cool rooms they call “freezer cases.” Simply dump all of the El Monterey Bean and Cheese burritos on the aisle floor (no one will care as no one really wants to eat one of these) and slip into the spot where they were once located. You’ll be cool in no time.

Pros: You could not get any cooler in a heat wave.

Cons: Your sweat will freeze and crystallize. People might try to buy you, mistaking you for a frozen treat. There is also a slight chance of hypothermia.

4. The human psyche can be very powerful. Convince yourself it is not hot, but rather quite chilly outside. Slip on your best parka or a nice pair of long johns and hit the town. Sure, you may be sweating, but you won’t even notice.

Pros: You will gather a following of people who call you “the crazy coat guy,” but in an endearing way, not a mean and rude way. You could make a fortune off of novelty t-shirts with your new nickname on them. You will eventually forget all about the heat.

Cons: The reason you forgot about the heat is your body slipped into shock. You will die shortly after.

5. Hot days are great for cooking. Every weatherman in the world tries it as some sort of wacky gimmick at some point. Crack an egg on the sidewalk and watch it cook. While you won’t necessarily beat the heat, you will have a good time.

Pros: You are saving so much energy by not operating your stove. That money can roll directly into your gigantic air conditioning bill.

Cons: It was cooked on the sidewalk. Groooooosssss! Don’t eat that! Siiiick!