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Topic: Okay, this one REALLY bugged me... (Read 39647 times)

I have a mild horror story of my wedding that, while it pales in comparison to some others I've read, still might provide a little perspective for impending brides. A little (okay, a lot of) backstory: To give you some perspective, my parents were married in the local Catholic Church. My mother wore her sister-in-law's ill-fitting wedding dress, and the only guests were her widowed mother, the priest, the sister-in-law who owned the dress and doubled as bridesmaid, and my father's brother-in-law, who was also his best man. The bouquet was picked from the front garden. They had a cake from the local supermarket and one bottle of cheap champagne. And that was it. Total cost: $50.

My parents' proposition for our wedding was to hold it in the local JP court--yes, in the Judge Judy-like courtroom!--and get a cake from Randall's, a local grocery store. The reception was to be in the courthouse lobby, right next door to the sheriff's office: cake, Coke, no decorations, and no music. When I called my FH, hysterical at what might look like a shotgun wedding (I was and still am very proud of my hard-earned, undisputed right to wear white at my wedding), he promptly came down to our city (a long drive, as he lived in another city), visited my parents and informed them that, if their concern was money, he could alleviate it; we could hold the wedding in Maine, in his parents' front yard, and we would have a barbeque reception--and my parents could let it be known that they didn't want to spend money on their older daughter's wedding. My husband is a "gentle giant," normally not an aggressive man, but he knows how and won't hesitate when he feels it's appropriate.So we were given a budget of $2,000--a very difficult budget in the city where I lived. I'm not one to look a gift wedding in the mouth, so FH and I quietly agreed that we would cover anything above that. That was when I started living on coffee and adrenaline. I looked for the least expensive options available. The ceremony took place at a local country club, officiated by my MOH's employer (a federal bankruptcy judge), and the reception was held at a favorite Chinese buffet restaurant (which is always beautifully decorated, and the owner is a doll!). The cake came from a lady who does beautiful cakes as a side business, and the dress from an online wholesaler. (It fit beautifully off-the-rack, which is difficult to find for a tall girl with no figure to speak of.) The wedding and reception went off beautifully, except for one hitch.

My co-worker "Karen", a wonderful lady who listened patiently to my exhausted complaints and panic attacks during this process, referred me to a florist/wholesaler. Mom and I visited her shop, and we were tremendously impressed by the arrangements we saw. I told "Sally" that my wedding colors were royal blue, sky blue, silver, and white (which wound up not happening because apparently royal blue was not a fashionable color that year), and she knew immediately which flowers to use, and even recommended ways to work silver into the arrangements and bouquets. She totaled up the modest number of arrangements we wanted, and it came out at less than $200. Great! We gave her the money and told her where and when.

Comes now the wedding day. I'm back in the ladies' locker room at the country club, getting ready. My hair is behaving, my makeup is good, and my dress is frankly gorgeous. My MOH (not my sister, who begged off because of severe social anxiety) suddenly vanished, along with Mom and my sister, and my DH's wonderful sunshine-in-law hovered around me, showing me the pictures she'd snapped of my groom coming into the club. (Those are still some of my favorite pictures!) When the other ladies returned, I sensed the tension in the air, and I wanted to know what was going on. They told me it was okay, don't worry about it, they'd take care of it, and all the other usual noncommittal reassurances. Well, they'd forgotten that I can handle disasters without turning a hair, but my overactive imagination will take over if I don't know the details. So I started panicking, and I demanded (a bit shrilly) to know. Turns out that the flowers, intended to arrive at 9:30 for our 11:00 wedding, had not arrived. Mom had called at 9:45, to be told that, oops, the order slip shows they were wanted at noon. Mom told them no, that they were needed for an 11:00 ceremony. So here we were at 10:45, still waiting for flowers, and not knowing what was happening.

11:00 comes and goes. My FSIL goes out to explain to the guests what's up. 11:15 passes. At 11:30, we decide that the flowers are not coming, and we're not going to make people wait any longer. So we proceed. Everything is great, even though my MOH and I have no bouquets. But fortunately, I'd insisted on putting some lovely silk florals and silver Christmas ribbons (excellent bargain for a January wedding) on a wedding arch for the ceremony, so we had those, and everyone claims they didn't notice the lack of flowers. Ceremony concludes, with no flowers. Receiving line; no flowers. Signing the license; no flowers. Guests leave for the reception while wedding party stays for pictures; no flowers. Bride and groom get ready to leave and realize that the best man left with the car keys; no flowers. MOH returns, having left her street clothes, and gives the bride and groom a lift to the reception; no flowers. It is now 1:00.

Best man and usher return to the club from the reception to retrieve groom's truck so bride and groom don't have to hitchhike to their honeymoon; no flowers. My mother tells me she called the country club the next day to be told that no florist appeared to ask for them. She then called the florist to be told: "Oh, gee, we got the wrong order." They claimed that there just so happened to be a funeral the same day, in the same area (this Texas city is comprised of many a borough with its own name), and amazingly, the deceased had the same last name as my family! They reviewed their records and told my mother flat out that they had no order form for our wedding! (I guess "Sally" must have thought we said I was getting "buried," not "married." It would account for the odd looks she kept giving us...)

What's worse, they refused to refund the money, stating that they'd never received a dime! That was a dumb move, because my parents had paid on their AmEx card, not with cash. I guess they really must not have kept any records, or they wouldn't have pulled that nonsense; I often wonder how the little operation dealt with American Express falling on them like an avalanche. This all happened a little over a year ago. I'm still good friends with the co-worker who referred me (it wasn't her fault), and the wedding was still the best day of my life! I'm so glad I have such wonderful family and in-laws! (And yes, we came in under budget.)

I apologize for sending you two separate e-mails on this, but after I looked back over the story I sent you, I realized I'd left out a couple of crucial pieces of information that otherwise make me look like a spoiled Bridezilla (which I have been assured I was emphatically not by many people): 1. My parents offered to pay for our wedding, right from the start, because it is traditional and I had no money (being tapped out from law school and without a lawyer job due to overgraduation of students). However, they reserved all right to make the decisions in this matter. 2. My husband's major bone of contention was not so much that they were "holding out" on us, but because most of our guests were coming down from Maine--a welcome vacation for them because it is a warmer climate down here and they'd never been anyway. He was not about to have his family come all this way to watch us get married in a courthouse and then stand around in a courthouse lobby eating cake and drinking Coke for an hour while the police fanned by. He wasn't going to do that to his family--MY in-laws--and was quite serious that if this was the best my parents could do, he would take me to Maine to marry me. I realize that fitting this information into the previous e-mail will be a bear. If you want to use the material I sent you, please let me know so that I can edit it properly--and slice it up if you like into smaller portions. I'm very sorry for not getting it right the first time. Thank you for letting me vent!

Vendors0118-06

Okay, I'm sorry - but even her "clarifiation" at the end did not stop me from thinking this person is a horrible, spoiled brat. The paragraph I highlighted with bold just struck me as horrible! It sounds like basically, the parents offered to give them a certain type of wedding, they were not satisfied so her husband threatens them with humiliation if they don't cough up more dough. Horrible!

And even when she sent in the second email "explaining", the story doesn't change. What her parents were offering wasn't good enough for them so they made them change it. I couldn't even concentrate on the vendor story after reading that 2nd paragraph.

I was also turned off by that whole "undisputed right to wear white at my wedding". I don't know you, I don't need to know that about you, and I don't see what trumpeting your virginity has to do with ANYTHING in this story.

Yeah, this part really irked me too. So she wants some kind of award for marrying someone she's never had sex with. I think she ought to have her head examined, myself. But that's just me.

I agree. She sent her hubby down to bully her parents, oh but its not her fault because she didn't get a lawyer job right out of college. (Um, my mom has a masters in history... not a lot of jobs in that so she waited tables until she found a way to use her education. You don't get a free pass just for graduating. Sorry.) God forbid people focus on the commitment being made, and the love being shared.

I was also turned off by that whole "undisputed right to wear white at my wedding". I don't know you, I don't need to know that about you, and I don't see what trumpeting your virginity has to do with ANYTHING in this story.

It's not just her "undisputed right" to wear white, it was "hard-earned" too!

I'm pretty sure that any and all of us have the "right" to wear white at our weddings, regardless of any history we may have.

Logged

absinthe

i'm so glad that i'm not the only one who was thrown by the author's tone! things that bugged: 1. why do we need to hear her condenscending take on her parents' wedding? i can't see how it bears on the story. 2. if she was willing to cover "anything above $2000", why did she have her fiance threaten her parents in the first place? the image of her "giant" husband menacing two older people does not sit well with me. 3. why would people assume it was a shotgun wedding if it took place in a courtroom? i have known plenty of non-pregnant couples who have had touching courthouse weddings. and 4. the right to wear white. wow. good thing wedding dress merchants don't do hymen checks in the u.s.!

A co-worker got married five years ago. One of our other co-workers was making crass jokes and questioning whether he should see if the sex "fizzles" first. The first co-worker did not support pre-marital sex (an area where each adult gets to make their own choices) so I was sure he was going to lay into the crass co-worker.

His response: "I'm not going to discuss my sex life with anyone but my fiancee."

I thought that was very classy. I would rather not know the past, present, and future sex life of every bride I see. Ewwwwww!!! It's her business, not the general public's whether there was or was not a sex life.

I thought the bride in the story was a snot. I sounds like the parents suggested a wedding that two adults with college loans could afford, not one that commented on her private life.

My husband was IN law school when we paid for our wedding by ourselves so I have little sympathy.

Well, it must be quite difficult to make a moral and stick to it. I wouldn't know, I am a moralless heathon with no right to wear white. Because the white dress means virginity and all. Silly whiny Bridezillas and their misunderstanding of wedding traditions and symbolism. Nothing says "important symbol of virginity" like a fashion craze started to indicate your wealth.

Really, why all the bother about the bride's virginity? The bride's "worth" shouldn't have anything to do with the state of her hymen. This isn't the Dark Ages.

femgeek

"Hard earned" I pictured her in one of those excellent viking hats, an enormous parka and snow pants gripping a double edged sword with her back to a sheer ice cliff as randy men tried to find ways to advance on her, as an oversized sand timer counts down to her wedding day. No dear, your law degree was (hopefully) hard earned, hanging on to something you were born with, not so much.

Ha! Well, quite. I realise that sticking to your morals can be difficult, but she made it sound like she she'd had to pull all-nighters and whatnot to get enough "virginity points" for the white dress or something.

Lunadiana75

It's not just her "undisputed right" to wear white, it was "hard-earned" too!

"Hard earned" I pictured her in one of those excellent viking hats, an enormous parka and snow pants gripping a double edged sword with her back to a sheer ice cliff as randy men tried to find ways to advance on her, as an oversized sand timer counts down to her wedding day. No dear, your law degree was (hopefully) hard earned, hanging on to something you were born with, not so much.

And yes I agree CathyF, if I agree to get married and decide to wear the startlingly unflattering (for me) color of white, its my "right" as much as hers. Whether or not I meet HER criteria, I certainly meet MINE. Whatever I decide in whatever situation though, my sex life or lack of one isn't something I think needs to be shared with disinterested/ non-involved parties.

I love the image! Honestly, did she grow up in a part of America that has swarms of visigoths out to steal a woman's chastity or something?

The bride must have attended the Rapunzel tower school and with mandatory haircuts to keep the unclean hordes from climbing in and tainting her.

Her attitude that her parents simple wedding was embarrassing and she was entitled in her mind to better even though she couldn't afford it and her parents would pay for most of it also that anyone cares about her sex life really shows why she didn't have an offer and it wasn't from too many people graduating from law school.

Who would want to hire a person that would feel no shame into intimidating her parents into paying for her wedding. This attitude would come through in the interviews

Oh, come on. If someone makes the decision to wait until marriage and accomplishes that goal and actually has a sexual attraction to their fiance, I would certainly call the "victory" hard-earned!!!! Especially these days. It might not be everyone's decision, but I won't fault the writer for being proud of accomplishing something that yes- IS difficult. And I certainly won't mock her for it, and I can understand why she didn't want her wedding to look "shotgun" (although there was a very simple way around that- a long enough engagement makes it plenty obvious it's not a shotgun wedding).

That said, I can understand why people are up in arms about her husband's use of intimidation to get a larger wedding from her parents. There were polite ways to handle this without giving in to what her parents wanted, and no matter how you slice it they didn't handle it remotely well.

Logged

Jaywalker

Oh, come on. If someone makes the decision to wait until marriage and accomplishes that goal and actually has a sexual attraction to their fiance, I would certainly call the "victory" hard-earned!!!! Especially these days. It might not be everyone's decision, but I won't fault the writer for being proud of accomplishing something that yes- IS difficult. And I certainly won't mock her for it, and I can understand why she didn't want her wedding to look "shotgun" (although there was a very simple way around that- a long enough engagement makes it plenty obvious it's not a shotgun wedding).

-----

I would be very worried if either of my kids was a virgin for their wedding -- because I assume that it denotes a problem with sexuality or intimacy --

of course it doesn't always and some people think the state of their bottoms is very very important and a moral issue -- and go on to have fabulous sex lives once married --

but it is often a red flag that the groom is not that into sexual intimacy or has some serious hangups and since it is fairly unusual in our culture today, one has to wonder just what motivates it -- I would hazard that for many of those who haven't had sex together before marriage that it wasn't 'difficult' to abstain

I have been a virgin bride and didn't make that mistake the second time -- while my first husband was enthusiastic but incompetent in bed, I have a couple of high school classmate friends who ended up finding out their virtuous husbands were gay several years into their marriages -- not fun when you have a toddler or two and find out your husband is getting it on with one of your own colleagues

Oh, come on. If someone makes the decision to wait until marriage and accomplishes that goal and actually has a sexual attraction to their fiance, I would certainly call the "victory" hard-earned!!!! Especially these days. It might not be everyone's decision, but I won't fault the writer for being proud of accomplishing something that yes- IS difficult. And I certainly won't mock her for it, and I can understand why she didn't want her wedding to look "shotgun" (although there was a very simple way around that- a long enough engagement makes it plenty obvious it's not a shotgun wedding).

The writer does not need to be so "proud" of her virginity that she trumpets it to all and sundry. She should also be aware that wearing white for one's wedding is not a "right" that is "earned" only by and for virgins. The fact that she waited until marriage matters not a whit to me; it's her attitude that is unpleasant, not her virginity.

See, I can see where a bad writer (which is what I attribute this part of the story to- bad writing) would think that's a relevant detail. She doesn't want the wedding her parents are insisting on because she thinks it would look shotgun, and the matter of her morals is very important to her. She doesn't want people she knows and loves even thinking she might not have stuck to her guns. She is including too much information, but that's really a minor sin here.

I don't agree with her that that sort of wedding is necessarily shotgun. I don't agree at ALL with how they decided to get more money out of her parents. And I think there were very simple ways she could have made it clear that the wedding was not because of a pregnancy.

But some of the comments here have veered towards mocking how difficult it can be to wait until you're married to have sex. I realize the poster set herself up for it, but at the same time, it's not like it's a terrible thing to wait. It's a personal decision. The writer didn't actually say (or really even imply) that she expected others to do the same, but it seems to be raising some hackles- and some double standards as people post about whether or not they waited in a public forum. Mocking the poster for this decision, or for her actually acknowledging that it IS difficult, strikes me as quite rude to anyone else who is reading this thread and is waiting for marriage.

And yes, there are still people who regard white as for virgins only. Do I agree with that philosophy? Heck, no! But if my entire family did and had a very firm belief about it, would it affect my wedding dress choice (if I was a different person)? Very possibly.

No one said it was a bad decision LissaR1. We are upset by how proud she is about this decision, one made by many, many women. She is so proud that she is alienating her parents for fear that someone might wonder if she actually fulfilled that decision or not.

I respect that decision. Yes, it is difficult to fulfill. I still think it's ridiculous to call your fiance to come yell at your parents so no one will possibly think anything different at all.

I do have issues with that choice being forced on women like it simply must be a badge of honor. Not everyone's morals are the same. That was what my post was about.