UnNews:Pope assures that 2% of priests are pedophiles

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The Pope conducted the interview from behind the traditional Holy Bulletproof Plexiglas.

VATICAN CITY -- Pope Francis gave a guarantee that 2% of the Catholic priesthood are pedophiles, in an interview with an influential Italian daily newspaper, adding several other facts that were immediately denied by the Vatican hierarchy.

However, the Holy Father was unable to guarantee that the number of priests who are homosexual, have bad breath, or are boring orators matched the occurrence of those types in the general population.

In his conversation with veteran atheist journalist Eugenio Scalfari, the Pope touched on themes of celibacy and sexual abuse. The Pope later said he regarded the interview as a case of "slumming it," noting that even Jesus gave interviews with sinners.

Father Federico Lombardi clarified after the interview that it was merely an "interchange of ideas" and not a proper "interview." It was not recorded, and Mr. Scalfari was told to put away his Reporter's Notebook. The clear implication is that the Pope was not aided by his usual power of infallibility and that the opinions he espoused do not rise to the level of Doctrine. The Vatican spokesman denied that the Pope said that any actual Cardinals were pederasts.

The Church's spiritual leader did not mention any program of Affirmative Action to invite pedophiles into the priesthood, nor did he state what the Church's position would be if the percentage of child abusers were to fall beneath the 2% threshold.

Regarding celibacy, Francis called it a tradition established 900 years after Christ. He stated, "It takes time...but solutions exist and we'll find them." Mr. Lombardi, while not directly challenging Mr. Scalfari's transcription, told UnNews, "He didn't say that either," and insisted that Francis was merely off his medications.