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Thursday, August 30, 2012

I'm really sorry to all you haters out there who love to see me gain weight (yes, I know you're reading), but I am not telling you this week.

But rest easy. I gained this week.

I have really been struggling lately with myself and this weight loss journey. I know I look better, feel better and am SO much healthier than I was a year ago, even six months ago. I have had to buy all new clothes (literally - every single thing I owned a year ago is gone) and I was actually "healthy" at every doctor's appointment I have had this year (except for that whole tumor thing - which I never would have found if I hadn't lost all that weight in my neck!). Every aspect of my life is different, and I am so much happier.

So why do I let a number on a scale define me and have so much control over my life?

I've been upset since Saturday because the number went up. I knew what I was doing. I ate out twice, and did not make healthy choices at either meal. I didn't even make semi-healthy choices. I ate complete crap. And then all night Saturday I snacked on more not-good choices.

I follow a lot of blogs written by women who are doing this same journey. One of them, Katie at http://www.runsforcookies.com/ is absolutely an inspiration. She has started making food, fitness and misc. goals every week. I am going to copy her idea. I am so focused on Thursdays, because it has always been my weigh in day. So on Thursdays, I will make my three goals for the following week. I think this is brilliant.

Another one, http://thefatgirlblog.com/, is taking a year off from the scale. This makes me nervous, but I am thinking maybe I could just weigh myself once a week rather than every single day (okay fine...at least twice a day). This one may not work. I have become quite dependent on my scale.

My scale dictates how my day will go. If it is not a good number, I think poorly about myself all day. If it is a good number, I just want it to be better. Who needs that constant nagging?

I will continue to weigh myself on Thursdays. I will blog when I hit milestones. I am still aiming high (100 pounds by the end of the year), but I need to chill about how crazy I've been about it. Husker football starts this Saturday - let's get real, every Saturday will be a shit show.

So now...my goals are...
Food: I will only allow Saturday to be my out of control day. Normally I find excuses to indulge a few times during the week. But this week, I will only allow tailgating to be an excuse for treats.
Fitness: I am going to continue to walk/run outside for as long as the weather will let me. So between now and next Thursday, the only day I will not be outside for at least an hour is Saturday.
Misc: I unplugged my cable box the other night, and I couldn't even find the cord in the mess that is behind my tv. Sometime this week, I will figure that disaster out and make it look nicer.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I feel like this week is getting away from me. But have no fear, faithful reader(s), I am not done blogging. Here is a cliff notes version of the last week:

Last weekend:
Toni came to stay with me for the weekend, and Trisha happened to be in Omaha, too. We met up for dinner and drinks with Zach, and then Missy came and hung out too. It was a great weekend of catching up, even though I put on about 3 pounds!! But you have to live, right? Whatever...I have the whole rest of the year to get to 100 pounds.

On Saturday, Toni and I went to the farmers market (lame) in the rain (kinda cool) and then shopped at Village Point. I fell in love with a new Coach...it's small, kinda like a pencil bag, but I am making myself wait until I hit 100 pounds down before I get it. But I can't stop thinking about it. Sunday I took her to the airport, and then my sister and I did nails, lunch and shopping for new Husker gear since I had to get rid of all of mine.

Also on Sunday night, I realized how easy it is to paint my toenails now. So glad that gut is gone so I can rock hot pink on my toe nuggets. Also, all my shoes are too big - seriously, I've lost weight in my FEET?

This week:
A major shakeup at work has made it more tolerable, so I am pretty content right now. I am sure there are more shakeups to come, so whatever. I'll take them as they come.

My last week of classes started today - YAY! I have two powerpoint presentations, a final research paper, a portfolio and two discussions standing between me and my degree. Get me out of here! So sick of being a student.

Also, there are pregnant women all around me. No, that does not make me want a kid. At all. Not even a little bit. However, I have to admit that images like this make my uterus kickstart a little bit:

Sheri's babe was kicking it up over lunch. I don't know how I would handle that. Maggie's reaction was to get all handsy.

Moving forward:
The rest of this week will (hopefully) fly by. I am so ready for a three day weekend, and then a three day work week and then another three day weekend.

P.S. Tomorrow's weigh in is going to SUCK. I ate my face off this weekend. The lower my weight gets, the more momentary messups screw me up. I ate such good food, so I'm not going to worry about it. But I will def not be reporting a loss tomorrow! One of the girls I follow on Google Reader is giving up weighing herself and basing everything off how she feels and looks. It's interesting to think about that - like right now, the scale is saying I put on weight. But the skirt I'm wearing is very loose, and I just wore it to a wedding three weeks ago and it fit. So clearly my kettlebell and running/walking has adjusted some stuff, even though the scale disagrees.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I've been told I think too much. It's true. Really, anyone who takes the time to write a blog thinks too much.

I haven't thought much about the fact that I think too much (really?). But then today, I went through a series of events that made me realize, holy shit, my mind is constantly cluttered with way too much stuff. This is a twenty minute example of what my mind went through earlier:

Nick IM's me and tells me he can't get the app store to load on his new iPhone. I think about how much that would suck. I remember I want to download that hot sexy song from Roadhouse that is playing with PSwayze is putting it to that nurse. I open iTunes. I see that the last thing I searched for was One Direction. I laugh at how many beers it took before I thought downloading One Direction was a good idea and realize I've never listened to them. I search for the song and download it. Patrick Swayze reminds me of Dirty Dancing, so I download I've Had the Time of my Life too. This reminds me of Glee. When does Glee come back? Nick asks what I'm doing so I tell him I'm downloading sexy songs from Patrick Swayze movies. He tells me if I'm downloading Hungry Eyes I'm gay. I download Hungry Eyes. Then I download In the Still of the Night. I remember I will be downloading a lot of songs soon for my sister's wedding. I realize my brother will be there, and he will probably want Footloose played at some point. Remember who I watched the new Footloose movie with and throw up in my mouth. Download Footloose. And Let's Hear it for the Boy, and Holding out for a Hero. Try to download The Girl Gets Around, but it won't let me without buying the whole album. Get pissed. Remember that I just downloaded something to my home computer that will let me get music for free. Get pissed cause I just downloaded ten bucks worth of music. Text Zach and ask him to tell me to stop downloading music because I have an iTunes problem. Wish I could invite Zach to my sister's wedding. Remember how Zach, John, Matt and the Adams used to dance to Footloose at high school dances. Zach texts me back and tells me to keep buying music. Pat texts me and tells me he heard Bret Michaels died. Tear up. Search Facebook and Twitter for validation that Bret Michaels is or is not dead. Actually cry a little bit. Panic. Search google. No information there. Pat texts me that he was wrong. Still worried Bret is dead.

Seriously? Somehow, without stopping to think at all, I ended up with like ten new songs on iTunes, texted two people, went down memory lane and thought my lover had died.

I did something big yesterday. I quit Weight Watchers. This was super scary, but like all of my decisions, I decided for sure I was doing it and did it like two seconds later. I haven't been tracking points or activity for three weeks - it was my test run to see if I can do this lifestyle on my own and still lose. Since I have been doing better without tracking, I decided I could safely quit. But it's nice knowing I can go back to it if I feel I need guidance and help again.

This weekend will be another hard one to lose anything, though - my best friend from BVU, Toni, is coming to Omaha from Arizona to spend the weekend with me. Friday is probably shot, as far as dieting goes - I am meeting another BVU alum for lunch, and then picking Toni up at 3p. Dinner and drinks are a must, and there will be no workout that day. I am not sure what we are doing on Saturday, but I am going to try to make it something with lots of walking - the zoo? The Old Market? Village Point farmers market? Toni and I could have fun just sitting and talking all weekend, but I'm going to try to keep us busy.

I am so close to the goal of 90, here's hoping I can drop .8 pounds this week despite my awesome weekend.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My relationship with my iPhone is pathetic and co-dependent, and I am a stage-five clinger.

I can't live without it. The amount of time I spend with my phone is ridiculous.

I wake up in the morning, roll over and check my phone. I pretend it's to check the time, but let's get real. My eyesight is perfect, I can see the clock across the room. It's to check texts, and Facebook and Twitter.

Twitter.

I am addicted to Twitter. It's how I get my news, find out about the weather and update my followers on my every last move. I mourn when I lose a follower. I live for retweets.

My phone is at my side all day. I got caught taking it to the bathroom with me the other day. I listen to music on it all day (I heart radio app). I answer Facebook messages at warp speed (Facebook app). I can give you any information about anything (google app). I ended up on an actual dirt road outside of Fremont, Nebraska a few weeks ago and managed to find my way out of it because of my phone (mapquest app, combined with a compass app).

When I am not in a 3G network and my network status changes to a little circle, I cringe. I will stand on top of tables to get back into a connection. The few times something has gone wrong and my touch screen doesn't work, I go into full panic attack.

I play children's games on my phone. I have a bakery, and I'm trying to get a restaurant off the ground. When these two apps were discovered on my phone by a friend, I embarrassingly opted not to talk about them.

My addiction to my phone is captured by photo.

It's always right there near me. My loving and faithful companion.

Until the iPhone 5 comes out, and then that bitch is getting replaced.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Today, one of my students opened up to me. She's very quiet and reserved, but I can usually get her to talk and share things with me. But I wasn't prepared for today.

She was telling me about her dad, who is an alcoholic. And how he has never been there for her, doesn't show up when he says he will and, most recently, left her a voicemail where he called her a fucking bitch and told her she wasn't his daughter anymore.

He was drunk.

It was hard to hear her story. It was harder to listen to the voicemail when she played it for me.

This is me and my dad:

That afternoon, I had called him in a panic because I felt ugly. When I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a fat girl with a neck scar. My neck was hurting, and my mouth hurt when I ate or drank anything. I was upset. So he invited me down for dinner, and my stepmom took this picture to show me that I'm not a fat girl with a neck scar.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I can admit it. It's been a really hard week. I miss Nick way more than I thought I would.

I knew I would miss him. But I have this problem (it's becoming a pattern) where I underestimate...greatly...how much things are going to suck.

I knew I would be sad, but I assumed I'd be okay. This reminds me of my tumor surgery. I knew it would suck. But I honestly thought I would be fine, and my three weeks off would be like a vacay.

Not the case. And this week without Nick has not been a barrel of fun, either.

When he left last Thursday, I walked him out to his car and promptly started to cry. I don't cry that often anymore. TV shows are really the only things that get me, and that's not very often. But that day, my eyes just kept leaking, and I couldn't get them to stop. I had to go back into work though; I still had like two hours to get through til the end of my workday.

My boss came in my office and asked if I was okay.

"I'll be fine," I said, wiping my eyes more. "I wasn't expecting that to suck that much."
"Yeah, I've never seen you cry, I didn't think you did that," she said.
"How do people go to work without friends? Like, you just go to work...and that's it?" I asked.
She seemed dumbfounded. "Well, yeah..." she said. "I've never had a best friend at work."

She seemed confused by my question, but I truly meant it. I realized then I've somehow been lucky enough to always work with really close, if not best, friends.

I started my working life at Kaiman's, with tons of friends (and some foes), hot guys (like HOT guys) and, of course, my older brother. After that I went to the casinos, where I immediately met this fool:

Followed by these fools:

When I finally realized I should probably have some girlfriends, the three of us fell in love:

Before we go any further, Katie loves to tell the story that I hated her when I first met her. Not true. I just thought her laugh was fake. Which, let's get real, if you've heard her laugh you agree with me.

Also, my boss, Jill, became one of my best friends and favorite people:

And even though only Missy and Emily are still working together, we're all still in love with each other.

After the casinos, I went to another casino where I had no friends. Well, my only friends were the really high up important people. So it's no surprise when they got fired, I got laid off within weeks. But since I had no friends, I was miserable and was anxious to get out of there anyway. Then I went to Spencers, which was fine but not enough money, so when an opportunity came to work at Kaplan, I took it and I got to work with my best friend for over two years.

It is going to be hard to hold on to this loss (it's a big one), so I am going to work hard this week not to let the scale go up next Thursday.

I took my trainer's advice and have been eating more often. I kinda feel like I am eating all the time, actually. And I've added some yummy things back into my diet (peanut butter, sports drinks) but with all my working out I must be doing something right!

One a side note - if I go to the fair this weekend, I WILL eat a deep-fried-something on a stick. And then running 48783 miles to work it off.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

I've seen this floating around on a few blogs...so of course i'm going to steal.

If you really knew me, you would know...
~ I would rather go without food then go without having my nails done.
~ Nothing makes me happier than when my nieces or nephews call me.
~ I have to sleep with a big glass of water next to my bed - but I never drink it.
~ I listen to my "Get Psyched" mix every morning when I am getting ready for work.
~ Nothing annoys me more than when my mom calls me during the middle of a workday and asks me what I'm doing.
~ I wish on eyelashes, and two of my wishes have come true within minutes of my wish.
~ I think I'm a little bit pyschic, and I truly believe in that kind of stuff (pyschics, mediums, the universe, spiritual guides, etc).
~ When I sing country music (which is all the time lately), I get the best southern accent.
~ I love college football, but mainly because I bet on it. I get really obsessive about "my" games.
~ I have the worst rage when I'm driving - no matter how short the drive, it is guaranteed I will honk and/or flip off at least one fellow driver.
~ My feelings do get hurt easily, especially when girls are passive-aggressively bitchy towards me (tweet about me, talk behind my back, etc).
~ I have to go to work tomorrow for the first time in almost three years without my best friend in the office down the hall...and I'm not sure how I'm going to survive.
~ When I watch scary shows (True Blood and American Horror Story are two examples) I have to watch them on DVR so I can fast forward and then rewind so I kind of know what's coming up.
~ I HATE surprises. Hate them. I also hate when everyone knows something but me. Good or bad.
~ This is the first summer since I was 16 that I have been seen in public in a bathing suit. Or owned a bathing suit, in fact.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I talked with my personal trainer last week about how my weight loss has kinda just stopped. She recommended eating smaller meals more often. I have tried to work snacks into my days, and apparently it's helping a little bit. When I go grocery shopping this week, I'm going to be getting a little more creative with my snack food.

On another health related note, I went to the doctor last week and had a whole bunch of tests ran to see if it can be determined why I pass out so much. Essentially, I got the same answer every doctor has always given me - it's just who I am. Which sucks, but I guess it makes me me. He gave me some tips to prevent my pass out spells:

Avoid situations that make me pass out. Are you kidding me, doc?

Drink more water.

Take salt tablets. These do not exist in any stores. I'm going to have to buy them online, which makes me nervous.

If things don't improve, wear support hose. Gross.

If things still don't improve, I may need a pacemaker. This will not happen.

I'm pretty sure I'm cured, anyway. I haven't had any light headed-fainting spells since my surgery time. I am better about water. I've been drinking a ton since I started this diet, but I'm working on cutting soda out completely. I don't know if I'll ever get there, though. I really love my Diet Mt Dew every morning.

Anywho...another week in the books. My parents had a talk with me last night, asking me to stop losing when I hit the 90 pound mark. They are worried I won't look healthy and think I'm at a good weight now. I told them we would discuss it again when I hit 90. I don't see what they are seeing. In my mind, I definitely have at least 15 pounds to go to hit 100 pounds down, and then maybe another 20 after that. They must be seeing what I don't.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Today was our last best friends lunch. Well, let's get real. We may go to lunch again. Like during the whole month of December, when Nick is pretty much off (ahole). I am sure one of those days he will come over to CB to gamble, and we can meet up for a buffet trip. And I'm sure Julie and I will still meet for lunch since we are both still on this side of the river. But as far as the three of us, meeting on a regular basis...that's over.

Julie left Kaplan for Ameristar in June, and Nick's last day is tomorrow. I am so sad. I feel like I had a very strong alliance and I was head of household just last week, and now I'm up for eviction.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Gain this week - 2.8 pounds
New total down - 83.6 pounds loss
6.4 pounds to goal of 90

I wasn't sure I was going to tell you all (all one of you) about this today. Because to be honest, I'm not really that disappointed.

Last weekend was my birthday. I was with my family on Friday for an awesome meal, and then I had cupcakes with Coop and Channy. Cooper was so excited for my birthday. It was adorable.

Saturday was just a dieting disaster all around. I won't even go into it.

I was better the rest of the week, but I just could not work up the energy to work out. I don't know if it's the heat or what, but I couldn't do it. I have been a bit of a lazy ass. But the truth is, I've kind of enjoyed it.

I've been on this diet for over 13 months now. Maybe I just needed a little break?

But I am back on track now. I will lose this week. I will get to the goal of 90 pounds. Just give me time.