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psychlady, Counselor

Category: Relationship

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Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues

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I got married in April of this year. I think we got married

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I got married in April of this year. I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. I'm not sure what his reason were, but I know at the time, it just wasn't right, but I kept on pushing through, looking for that happy ever after and it failed. I get no satisfaction when I discuss our future together and he is obsessed with all the wrong things. He says he loves me, but it's not at all what I want or need. I've sacrificed everything for love, for this man and he has yet to make any sacrifices or even compromises for me. It is over and he finally agreed tonight that we must get divorced or we'll drive each other crazy or give each other heart attacks. If it is right, why does it feel so wrong? Why don't men give in or try to make this right, it's so easy to walk away...

I think some people are just more willing to start over than do the real work in a relationship. That is just reality. You may want this to end to but change is scary. It is very scary to take a chance rather than stay with what you have - the familiar -- even if it isn't working. Haven't you heard of people staying married for years in spite of hating each other. It's easier to know that you have a partner even a bad one. You have to decide if this is not working but it appears that you already have. If you really meant let's work on it then that is what you tell him. You have to be clear on what you want. If you don't want a divorce approach him now. If you do then you agree that it isn't working.

I took your advice and was clear with him about what I wanted and that is to save our marriage and work on it and I've been making myself clear for about a week now or since my first posting so he's clear on my needs and desires and he's not too clear on his, except that he's under a lot of pressure and he doesn't want to feel smothered which is hard to be smothered when he works out on the road for about 6 weeks at a time then comes home for one weekend then goes back. I stayed very calm during these talks though firm, but whenever I got too deep or emotional I felt him pull back and only when I withdrew did he draw nearer....why must we play this immature tug of war with feelings and emotions? Divorce is not a joke and I don't find it funny to give up on us and admit failure when we haven't even tried or worked on it yet. It's like the least of importance on his list of priorities.

He may not be aware that he is doing this. He may not even be in touch with his feelings. That would explain the power struggle. I agree with you. You should give it 100% before you give up. You have to find out where he is in that process. Is he willing to work on it. He has to commit and find a unique way to address this at home and on the road. Find out what he is willing to do for starters

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