Vacationing? With Kids?

Will it be relaxing? No way. Will it be memorable? Definitely.

I’m supposed to be on vacation this week, but my wife and I can’t settle the issue of whether or not to bring the kids.

I can’t settle the issue of whether or not to bring the kids with us on vacation.

When I was growing up, my parents took us along on most of their trips, even though it’s hard to keep an eye on ten kids at once in a strange place. My father would usually spend the entire trip asking, “Where’s (name of child)?” And my mother, who had actual physical eyes on the back of her head would spend the entire time telling him where we were.

“Where’s Mordechai?”

“Right behind you.”

“Where’s Faigie?”

“You’re about to trip over her. Stop looking behind you.”

“Where’s Lipa?”

“You’re holding his hand.”

“Where’s Mordechai?”

So I don’t know if my parents enjoyed any of these trips as much as they could have. But they did create a lot of great vacation memories that we still talk about to this day, such as the time we broke down and the time we almost broke down. We also remember some of the things we did when we weren’t waiting for the car to start working again.

When you take your kids along on a vacation, and you keep kosher like my family, it changes everything. Your meals, for example. When you have to feed your children, you feel the need to create nutritious meals, even though all you have to work with is a travel range, a treife microwave, and a coffeemaker. You can’t just serve peanut butter eight times in a row. The average vacationing parent has, at some point, made scrambled eggs on a waffle iron while their kids sat around the hotel room, noshing on ice cubes.

But so far, all of the vacations my wife and I have taken since we got married have been without our children. Usually, we just leave them at my parents’ house, which is not a big deal because they already have a bunch of kids running around. (“Where’s Adina?” “Right next to you.” “Where’s Daniel?”) A lot of people are worried about traumatizing their kids, but I don’t think ours noticed we were gone. But on all of those vacations, whenever we’d see a child misbehaving, my first thought was, “I’m so glad we didn’t bring our kids!” While my wife’s was, “I miss our kids! I wish they were the ones throwing a tantrum and refusing to walk!”

But I do think that we should bring our kids along on at least some of our vacations, and as soon as I mentioned this to my wife, she changed her tune. “A vacation with the kids?” she asked. “How’s that a vacation?”

Okay, so maybe it’s not. But it’s still a trip. Plus, there are certain things that you enjoy more when you take your kids along, because there’s no question about it: Children fill us with a sense of wonder. For instance, ever since we’ve had kids, I’ve been wondering where all our money went. You also tend to notice things when you have your kids along that you wouldn’t necessarily notice if you didn’t, such as horsies.

“Look at the horsies!” you yell, as you breeze past them at 60 miles an hour.

“Where?” your kids look up, a moment too late. They look around, as if there are going to be more horsies for the people who missed the first ones, and then they go back to fighting. That’s how kids entertain themselves on long car trips – by making up things to fight about.

“Mommy, he’s touching my nose!”

“No I’m not! My hand is an inch away from her! It’s been like that for the past ten minutes!”

But kids fighting in the back seat is not a big deal, because there are ways of dealing with it. For instance, you can make the music louder. (This also works for strange noises under the hood.) Or else you can have the kids sing along, until you’ve heard the same kids’ songs so many times in a row that they stop making sense. (“Is Yankee Doodle calling the horse or the feather “macaroni”? And why is he calling it “macaroni”? Just because it rhymes with pony?”)

Another solution, if your kids won’t stop fighting, is to have them pack some toys for the car. But make sure to go through their selections first.

There are also plenty of games that you could play in the car, such as the geography game, wherein you name a location, and the next person has to name one that starts with the letter that yours ended with. Of course, that game gets boring after a while, because it turns out that a lot of geography begins and ends with “A”.

“Okay, I’ll go first. America.”

“Antarctica.”

“Albania.”

“Arizona.”

“Argentina.”

“Athens.”

“Oh, thank goodness! Who’s next?”

“South America.”

Another popular car game is the license plate game. I don’t know how to play the license plate game, and I’m not sure that it matters. The main thing is that as long as the kids are looking at license plates, they’re not looking at each other.

If there are only adults in the car, there’s usually not as much fighting, unless they’re lost. (WE ARE NOT LOST. THIS IS A SHORTCUT.) So you pass the time by eating. You also find out interesting little factoids, like how the average person can go through 4 bags of potato chips in an hour. My wife and I went to Baltimore once with an entire back seat full of nosh. I remember being concerned that when we finally did have kids, we wouldn’t have anywhere to put them.

Well, we didn’t. So now we have a minivan, and we spend a lot of time passing food back to the kids. Food stops kids from fighting, but it does generate other issues. We drove to my in-laws’ for Pesach, and, as there wasn’t much we could eat in the car, we gave each kid a yogurt.

Now, we’re not totally crazy. We do know that you don’t just hand a bunch of little kids some yogurt and expect them to eat it nicely while the car goes over bumps and dips and changes speeds at random intervals, such as when we miss the exit. (WE DIDN’T MISS THE EXIT. THIS IS A SHORTCUT.) So to minimize the mess, we poked a tiny hole at the top of each container, just big enough for a straw. And when we turned around not five seconds later, we saw that our two-year old son, Heshy, had a yogurt moustache AND a beard, and had his hand in the yogurt all the way up to his wrist. I think he was reaching for the fruit on the bottom. So we stopped at the next rest stop, by which time Heshy was covered from head to toe, and my wife had to dig for his clothes under the big pile of suitcases in the back. But I don’t know what she was complaining about. I was the one who had to hold his hand all the way to the restroom.

So yes, vacationing with your children leaves you with a lot of memories, and those memories are never going to go away. So it’s definitely a good idea to take kids. Actually, a better idea would be to take someone else’s kids, because everyone knows that kids behave better when they’re with adults that they don’t know. We should set up some kind of Child Exchange Program, which will include a service where we photoshop the correct kids’ faces into your pictures afterward. And if you take my kids, I’ll throw in a free waffle iron.

Related Articles:

About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, and Cholent Mix, all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

Visitor Comments: 7

Your description sounds awfully familiar. Did you come with us on our last vacation?

(5)
Ephrat,
June 20, 2010 8:33 AM

Hysterical!! And ohhh sooo familiar!

Boy does this sound familiar. As the mother of 6, I can relate!!

(4)
Raquel,
June 16, 2010 2:36 PM

go camping

We have 3 kids under the age of 10 and we live in England, UK. It rains an awful lot here, so, camping is the best solution! You can even celebrate shabbat at the campsite!!
You do all your own cooking and can be creative too.
Rain? Fine! as long as you pack sensibly for all weathers.. no problem. You might EVEN have a chance to relax. My husband makes the breakfast and I cook supper. The kids roam, build dens and play with other kids. The beach in the rain? Yes, as long as they are properly dressed for the occasion and you are armed with flasks of hot drinks.. Enjoy! They will.

(3)
yehudit,
June 15, 2010 5:56 PM

i'm still crying!!!!!

I was laughing so hard when I read this that my sleeping son woke up and came out to see why mummy was crying ....
thank you for making me feel a little more normal , and my kids seem a little less, well, .....

(2)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2010 11:39 PM

That was hilarious

thanks for sharing!

(1)
Devorah B.,
June 13, 2010 7:49 PM

Hilarious

Thanks for sharing your experience of the vacation dilema. Summer is just around the corner - B"H I'm laughing... at least for now!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...