I Am Ziz
This is a Crackfic, meaning the story is not intended to be taken seriously. SI as Ziz, the Simurgh, Her Unholyness of Feathers, with her along for the ride. Possibly (probably) inspired by a certain other series of fics. Currently a plot bunny. FFN rated T for light, Worm-style swearing.

I Am ZizChapter 1Entry, Re-Entry, Entrance​

Cold. But at the same time burning, though much more like a pleasant warmth with prickles of feeling than pain. A lot like a limb waking up from falling asleep, just… everywhere.

I open my eyes. Below me is a planet. That much is clear. Everywhere that isn't the planet is the easily recognizable view of space from my homeworld, Earth.

So I'm apparently, suddenly, somehow in orbit of Earth.

When just a second ago I was falling asleep.

Okay. That’s not weird at all, I think to myself.

Dream?

I look around at everything, the details present on the world below me, the solidity and logical, if insane, structure of the universe as it’s presenting itself to my senses.

Nope. Too real. Too detailed, too structured. Not enough chaos. Things stay where they were when my attention leaves them and returns.

Okay then. Probably not a dream. Which is… even weirder.

Deep breaths.

Wait.

I can breathe in space?!

Well then, no matter how real this seems, it has to be a dream given how that is frankly impossible.

Or, well… Maybe I’ve been kidnapped and I’m in some kind of knockoff matrix?

Huh. The perspective of the planet's features is slightly off. Almost like I'm…

Oh.

That’s…

How is that possible?!

Either what I just passed was a itty bitty space rock or I'm eight stories tall.

Good to know. Bullshit, but good to know.

Some part of me takes a glance at the ‘rock’ and flat out declares it to be a frakking Space Shuttle, burnt as it is.

Definitely eight stories tall.

...Are those cannons on that Space Shuttle?

Oh no, they're laser cannons.

Sorry.

My mistake.

What the hell is going on?!

My mental systems come into focus for a moment, barely enough for my mindscape to form and an alert to pop up.

I'm running on insufficient brain matter? What?

Oh it's locked.

Can it be unlocked?

Yes? Great, go ahead and do that, subconscious.

Mental programming is incredible, if a bit slow on the initiative.

A few moments of disorientation and my mind snaps back into focus. The intellect I'm both somewhat liked and definitely (by some people, at least) reviled for kicks into high gear.

I am, somehow, an eighty foot tall woman with hundreds of very long angel wings wrapped around my body to keep warm in space. Where I can breathe.

Drifting along next to an armed Space Shuttle.

The amount of bullshit currently attempting to pass as my reality is too damn high.

...The wings are actually really comfy, though.

I suddenly have a sinking feeling as I tally up what I already know. A glance down at Japan as I fly over it only adds to my concern.

Not a dream, then. Gods damn it!

I got ROB-ed!

--LB--

I float above the planet for quite a while, in shock, just trying to process what happened to me. Eventually though I have to suck it up and… well, given I’ve been tossed here by a ROB and they’ve presumably scanned my mind, know I’d be likely to do this, and approved due to me being here in the first place, get started derailing the ever living fuck out of canon.

Gotta live up to my new namesake, right?

Systems check!

Scan initiating.

My subconscious runs the mental program for a little while, but encounters an error. Access denied.

Interesting. It appears that the original consciousness, what little there ever was, of this body is still here. I ping it.

Thank the gods I'd limited the input to my mind from any senses I have or may get in the future, namely now, or the feedback would have lobotomized me.

:REFUSAL HANDOFF EXCHANGE FIX REPAIR APOLOGIZE AMENDS:

That's Her voice alright. Okay, so she's handed off everything to me. Apparently.

Will you fight me?

:EXHAUSTION PAIN DESPAIR:

Huh. It never really occurred to me that they might not have wanted to do what they did. Was everything conducted by Eidolon?

In my mindscape a planet pops up around the central singularity. Orbits adjust, I now have a new mental planetary system for her alone. Even though I might not be capable of cracking her mind open, I can move it around.

Thus the Simurgh becomes a passenger in my own mind. Her world is a tropical vacation paradise. It's only fitting after what she's suffered.

:GRATITUDE: she sends me. She seems to have figured out how to modulate her mental voice down from mind-shatteringly-powerful to just yelling.

Her form in my mind is that of her body. Human height, though. Even has wings, only four and a whole lot shorter. We smile at each other.

She, and I guess now I, are quite attractive. Ziz, as she requests to be called, gives me a nod and her eyes display that gratitude.

Making use of the Library World a bit, huh? I tease. Hey, I won’t blame her; I use the representation of all the book-type knowledge I’ve studied or learned myself, too.

I almost absentmindedly order the control interface’s destruction. A sharp pain in the back of my ‘head’ and it's gone. A compulsion to attack the world every nine months I hadn't even noticed disappears. Eidolon, or even Zion, could have done whatever they wanted to me and Ziz through that thing. How the hell I was able to do that when Ziz herself couldn’t? NOT thinking about that at the moment.

The similarity to Richter's controls for a certain AI are not lost on me.

I'm on course for Brockton Bay. There are a lot of things leading me there, not the least of which is how much the PRT will freak out. After all, they'll probably have to cap the city, much like they've done to other Simurgh zones. The reason Brockton would be so concerning is that it's on a natural aquifer and is a bay city. It would be almost impossible to defend it from Leviathan and cap it from me.

Well, they won't need to worry about that, but they don't know that. And what can I say? I am a prankster at heart. Giving the Protectorate a collective heart attack and pulmonary at the same time, both by being off the three month expected schedule and speeding towards a ‘target’ at speeds high enough to heat up the atmosphere, is in my nature.

Almost without thinking about it I review the list of people Ziz fucked with and revert the changes. No more time bombs. Capping unnecessary.

The fact I'll scare the crap out of the world before I tell them that is completely irrelevant.

Definitely.

Oh, shut up.

Through the higher atmosphere now. I spread my wings wide, gliding through the air towards the glistening bay in the distance.

Even from here I can hear the sirens. I roll my eyes and blow a small lock of blonde hair from my face.

Side note, the Simurgh has really really long hair.

I can sense capes arriving via teleportation from all around the world. It's a huge showing.

Legend's giving his speech.

Can I just say how much Ziz was holding back for the hundredth time? Her telepathy works from orbit. And further. She wouldn't need to get to a location to hijack people. And that's without channeling it through a Quantum Tunnel.

Her telekinesis is a bit shorter range, but not much. A few thousand miles or so.

Frakking hell Eidolon you sure know how to design game bosses.

I'm way faster than Ziz was before, and so I arrive at the Bay only three minutes later. The non flying capes deploy for the S&R they believe will be necessary, the flyers come up to meet me with everything they can throw.

I roll my eyes again and gently push them out of my flight path with telekinesis. Incredibly gently. Like, leaf-alighting-on-a-pond gently.

The changes in recorded tactics throw them for a loop long enough for me to reach the middle of the bay, turn around, and lightly set my feet upon the abnormally still water.

Then I stand there and look at them. No Scream. No flying. No Tinker projects.

Just looking.

The flyers stop moving, hesitant to approach. I can hear the frantic thinkers trying to get a bead on me, or what I might do.

I absently cycle through decisions on a couple billion futures in a single second to throw them off.

Alexandria cries out in pain and plummets to the surface.

Huh. That wasn't supposed to be that effective. What the hell was she trying to think about me?

The fact I watch her fall and grin when she hits the ground with a gentle nudge, due to yours truly, throws any and all plans they had in the trash can.

Eidolon and Legend scream towards me. I feel an irrational burst of rage for the creator and master of Ziz and her siblings, but I don't act on it besides giving him a telekinetic punch.

Uh... I may not have a handle on this yet.

The hooded Triumvirate member reverses course, backhanded through the air. His body breaks the sound barrier as he rockets out of sight.

I grimace, and just as Legend is about to let loose a blast of ‘deadly lasers’, I speak. “Whoops.”

Please, for the all things Holy, just don't interact with Taylor. Taylor, bless her creepy heart, is a complex character with a "stupid hero" complex. Which is fine! But her personality is so vexing. And I really started to downright hate when SIs go all gaga over her. Yeah, I get it. She is a fucking protagonist but why the hell all SIs fawn over her so much? Most writers when they interact their SI with Taylor, lose control of the plot and change it into Fix Fic with Taylor as VIP star. I don't know about your writing style or the plot you have in your head but the possibility is just not worth it.

I grimace, and just as Legend is about to let loose a blast of ‘deadly lasers’, I speak. “Whoops.”

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"I'm really sorry about that, I only meant to send him flying away for 3 Mississippi not...14.65 Mississippi. Do tell him to let me know how the weather in Maine is this time of year won't you? I'm quite pale, I need to work on my tan and I hear Maine's beaches are to die for. Ohhh crap I hope dadversary doesn't die, I really didn't mean to hit him that hard, I'm so sorry. I'm still getting the hang of this you know, shifting to manual from automatic is a massive pain."

Please, for the all things Holy, just don't interact with Taylor. Taylor, bless her creepy heart, is a complex character with a "stupid hero" complex. Which is fine! But her personality is so vexing. And I really started to downright hate when SIs go all gaga over her. Yeah, I get it. She is a fucking protagonist but why the hell all SIs fawn over her so much? Most writers when they interact their SI with Taylor, lose control of the plot and change it into Fix Fic with Taylor as VIP star. I don't know about your writing style or the plot you have in your head but the possibility is just not worth it.

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Taylor will show up. She can't not, this is Worm, after all. She won't be the star of the story though, that's SI!Ziz's role.

Also as this is basically an SI of me, I will be trolling her. Hard. Something like flying up to her school, wrapping her in my wings, and giving her a hug.

"I'm really sorry about that, I only meant to send him flying away for 3 Mississippi not...14.65 Mississippi. Do tell him to let me know how the weather in Maine is this time of year won't you? I'm quite pale, I need to work on my tan and I hear Maine's beaches are to die for. Ohhh crap I hope dadversary doesn't die, I really didn't mean to hit him that hard, I'm so sorry. I'm still getting the hang of this you know, shifting to manual from automatic is a massive pain."

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Maine? Do you not know how far he's been punted? I have absolutely no idea how to use Ziz's powers. He got punted a lot farther than that.

"I'm really sorry about that, I only meant to send him flying away for 3 Mississippi not...14.65 Mississippi. Do tell him to let me know how the weather in Maine is this time of year won't you? I'm quite pale, I need to work on my tan and I hear Maine's beaches are to die for. Ohhh crap I hope dadversary doesn't die, I really didn't mean to hit him that hard, I'm so sorry. I'm still getting the hang of this you know, shifting to manual from automatic is a massive pain."

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Isn't Brockton Bay in Maine as of Ward? Not many other places it could be if it's on the Eastern Seaboard and Boston's south of it.

An SI controlling the Simurgh? ALL OF MY YES!
I honestly don't want to know the amount of troll that is going to hit Brockton Bay in the next few days. I imagine that the PRT will either nuke the city or evacuate the entire North East. Poor Pigot.

I know the heights of the canon Endbringers, but I can't take a fifteen foot tall city and people destroyer seriously

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How tall do you need to be to have god-tier TK and telepathy? Superman could take most Endbringers in a one on one fight, and he's only, what, six-six? Son Goku can shatter planets and he's about a foot shorter.

How tall do you need to be to have god-tier TK and telepathy? Superman could take most Endbringers in a one on one fight, and he's only, what, six-six? Son Goku can shatter planets and he's about a foot shorter.

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That's the problem; it's not beating them, it's not destroying everything else in the process.

An SI controlling the Simurgh? ALL OF MY YES!
I honestly don't want to know the amount of troll that is going to hit Brockton Bay in the next few days. I imagine that the PRT will either nuke the city or evacuate the entire North East. Poor Pigot.

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It's still less Dakka and Dickery than a certain oneshot of Ack's, but yes, this will be quite fun.

How tall do you need to be to have god-tier TK and telepathy? Superman could take most Endbringers in a one on one fight, and he's only, what, six-six? Son Goku can shatter planets and he's about a foot shorter.

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Fifteen feet is in the spot between 'normal, but hidden inner power' and 'gigantic monster' where my suspension of disbelief falls flat. That's just me.

That's the problem; it's not beating them, it's not destroying everything else in the process.

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Most supers need lessons on not accidentally-ing everything around them when they do their flashy stuff. There's this neat game that is on Steam atm, uh...Megaton Rainfall, that demonstrates this well.

Well this is going to end in fire, tears, and most likely Piggot laughing maniacaly as Ziz trolls the everloving fuck out of her. I approve! Can't wait for more because this is already shaping up to be a fun derailment of any sort of canon.

What I am curious about is if Taylor has triggered yet/will trigger or if Ziz has butterflied that away. I really do think that girl deserves a chance to be a normal girl with all the shit her countless alternates put up with. It has to be, like, existentially exhausting across universes or something to be Taylor Hebert. Give her the bestest 80 foot tall floofy-winged hug, a pat on the head, and send her off on some precoged path to a really relaxing bubble bath. Lord knows someone should do that for at least one Taylor Hebert.

"I'm really sorry about that, I only meant to send him flying away for 3 Mississippi not...14.65 Mississippi. Do tell him to let me know how the weather in Maine is this time of year won't you? I'm quite pale, I need to work on my tan and I hear Maine's beaches are to die for. Ohhh crap I hope dadversary doesn't die, I really didn't mean to hit him that hard, I'm so sorry. I'm still getting the hang of this you know, shifting to manual from automatic is a massive pain."

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Troll lines to use here ? Hmmm...

A) "Hi, I'm Emma Barnes. I friggin hate my best ex-friend Taylor and I hate-triggered over the fact that she refuses to acknowledge my superiority and that she doesn't mentally break from my constant verbal abuse ! I realized suddenly that I hijacked the body of The Simurgh and decided to visit Brockton Bay. I'm sorry for sending Eidolon flying, but my control over Simmie is still kind of wanky, so just in case... run for your lifes ? And please don't send those people to maim/kill me, I work on my control right now. Or maybe I do it on subconcious level and can't truly control her for crap ? Whoops ?

B) You know what peons ? I'm seriously tired of this serial killing bullshit and singing. My life is so boring these day that I decided to change how I operate from know on. No, seriously, how the hell Jack Slash and his band of murderhobos aren't tired of their 'let's turn massacres into spectacles' thing already ? They are boring and they suck balls. So from now on I decided to help you little primitives to start with proper Space Travel. It's time to build that Space Empire. Anyone of you play Mass Effect or KOTOR ? You know, those games from Earth Aleph, I have accounts on those under The_Winged_One. Ah yeah, it's also my PHO Account. I'm ready to play with you scrubs anytime, no one can beat my mad skillz !

Isn't Brockton Bay in Maine as of Ward? Not many other places it could be if it's on the Eastern Seaboard and Boston's south of it.

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I don't recall the exact quotation, but IIRC there's supposed to be a mention in Worm somewhere that it's not in Maine. Something to do with Bitch being a fugitive from Maine, I think? Not sure.

(Which leaves... about fifty miles of coast for it to be in? Essex County MA and Rockingham County NH. And most of the southern half of that would pretty much just make it a suburb of Boston.
...And, for that matter, half of the rest is Cape Ann, which Boston is almost directly southwest of. Depends on the precise Ward quotation, but if that's also out, we're only left with the twenty-odd miles between Essex and Kittery.)

Not much else where it could be, to be honest. It's either that or northeastern Massachusetts (could be Gloucester or Newburyport, I guess).
Didn't help that Ack, supposedly relaying a third-hand (or fourth-hand, not sure) Wildbow statement, declared it to be in Portsmouth, NH, and many fics went with that.

My own headcanon is Hampton Harbor, NH, a small town bout ten miles south of Portsmouth, mostly because this is the kind of name that someone might have came up with if they ever needed an expy of Brockton Bay.

I really do think that girl deserves a chance to be a normal girl with all the shit her countless alternates put up with. It has to be, like, existentially exhausting across universes or something to be Taylor Hebert. Give her the bestest 80 foot tall floofy-winged hug, a pat on the head, and send her off on some precoged path to a really relaxing bubble bath. Lord knows someone should do that for at least one Taylor Hebert.

My own headcanon is Hampton Harbor, NH, a small town bout ten miles south of Portsmouth, mostly because this is the kind of name that someone might have came up with if they ever needed an expy of Brockton Bay.

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It does sound like a BB Expy. Also, did you just post on all three of TCGM's stories in a row?

Well this is going to end in fire, tears, and most likely Piggot laughing maniacaly as Ziz trolls the everloving fuck out of her. I approve! Can't wait for more because this is already shaping up to be a fun derailment of any sort of canon.

What I am curious about is if Taylor has triggered yet/will trigger or if Ziz has butterflied that away. I really do think that girl deserves a chance to be a normal girl with all the shit her countless alternates put up with. It has to be, like, existentially exhausting across universes or something to be Taylor Hebert. Give her the bestest 80 foot tall floofy-winged hug, a pat on the head, and send her off on some precoged path to a really relaxing bubble bath. Lord knows someone should do that for at least one Taylor Hebert.

Oh, and fukkin watched!

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Piggot needs to lighten up. It is my solemn duty as Ziz to break her of her retentiveness.

Canon will be derailed so hard the train grows wings and turns into a jet.

I'm kind of leaning towards Taylor having triggered already and Me!Ziz having arrived at the same time CYOA SIs would (April 8th 2011). There's reasons for it. Fun ones. QA confusing ones. The amount of trolling Me!Ziz can do to QA using Taylor as a medium is too much to waste.

Haha, this looks like a promising crack. Looking forward next chapter(s) .

Troll lines to use here ? Hmmm...

A) "Hi, I'm Emma Barnes. I friggin hate my best ex-friend Taylor and I hate-triggered over the fact that she refuses to acknowledge my superiority and that she doesn't mentally break from my constant verbal abuse ! I realized suddenly that I hijacked the body of The Simurgh and decided to visit Brockton Bay. I'm sorry for sending Eidolon flying, but my control over Simmie is still kind of wanky, so just in case... run for your lifes ? And please don't send those people to maim/kill me, I work on my control right now. Or maybe I do it on subconcious level and can't truly control her for crap ? Whoops ?

B) You know what peons ? I'm seriously tired of this serial killing bullshit and singing. My life is so boring these day that I decided to change how I operate from know on. No, seriously, how the hell Jack Slash and his band of murderhobos aren't tired of their 'let's turn massacres into spectacles' thing already ? They are boring and they suck balls. So from now on I decided to help you little primitives to start with proper Space Travel. It's time to build that Space Empire. Anyone of you play Mass Effect or KOTOR ? You know, those games from Earth Aleph, I have accounts on those under The_Winged_One. Ah yeah, it's also my PHO Account. I'm ready to play with you scrubs anytime, no one can beat my mad skillz !

Click to expand...

.....

Puts what exists of next chapter's text further down in the timeline because it's not as trolly as this comedy gold.

I don't recall the exact quotation, but IIRC there's supposed to be a mention in Worm somewhere that it's not in Maine. Something to do with Bitch being a fugitive from Maine, I think? Not sure.

(Which leaves... about fifty miles of coast for it to be in? Essex County MA and Rockingham County NH. And most of the southern half of that would pretty much just make it a suburb of Boston.
...And, for that matter, half of the rest is Cape Ann, which Boston is almost directly southwest of. Depends on the precise Ward quotation, but if that's also out, we're only left with the twenty-odd miles between Essex and Kittery.)
Not much else where it could be, to be honest. It's either that or northeastern Massachusetts (could be Gloucester or Newburyport, I guess).
Didn't help that Ack, supposedly relaying a third-hand (or fourth-hand, not sure) Wildbow statement, declared it to be in Portsmouth, NH, and many fics went with that.

My own headcanon is Hampton Harbor, NH, a small town bout ten miles south of Portsmouth, mostly because this is the kind of name that someone might have came up with if they ever needed an expy of Brockton Bay.
Seconded all the way.

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Hey there, three-posts-at-same-time guy! I don't have an exact location for BB in New Hampshire. It's in NH, along the coast, near Boston, and that's good enough for me. It's not like I'll ever be saying how many miles I fly or something like that. I did wonder where the NH placement started though. Not surprised the legend himself was the start of it xD

The amount of trolling Me!Ziz can do to QA using Taylor as a medium is too much to waste.

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Oh poor, poor Taylor. Soon you are going to only wish the biggest annoyance in your life was dealing with a multi-dimensional space whale in the shape if a golden man with powers second only to the gods. But if she is getting floofy-winged hugs then obviously everything will balance out in the end.