It’s easy to be envious of another person’s good looks but remember that, with a scalpel and a little moxie, you can take that away from them forever. But, perhaps, the more productive path to take involves building an interesting and likable personality to round out an impressive skill set. I could name a dozen hideous Harvard attendees that went on to be incredibly successful adults that became even less attractive than they already were- but I know that you already know exactly who I’m talking about. These people did just fine without even a whisper of physical beauty and all it took was an ivy league education, wealthy and/or well connected families, and enough prescription amphetamines to keep them up and studying for days on end until they invent Facebook.

But wealth is never going to make you happy like being gorgeous and stupid will. Have you ever been to a party and noticed all of the beautiful people dancing, partying and going home with other beautiful people for sex? Of course you have. Do you know why they do that? Because they don’t know any better. There are three ways to have fun at a party: you can be drunk, you can be crazy, or you can be dumb and hot. The only difference is that being stupid and pretty sort of spills over into everyday life. Here are some facts: Breaking up with an attractive person is sadder than breaking up with unattractive person. Being attractive makes people more likely to trust you. People who look better have higher self-esteem and get sick less often.

That seems crazy but, the truth is, I only made up one of those facts. Still, it’s not solely a bed of roses for the beautiful people of the world. For most, there is a lot of maintenance that goes into the upkeep of one’s physical appearance. I know that, by Sunday night, I’ve sort of given up on even looking vaguely not crazy.

I am in the minority of people because I know what it’s like to be, both, attractive and ugly. As a child, my good looks were other worldly. How I was never molested is completely beyond me. Then, as I got older, my looks slowly dried up and died like a baby bird on a hot sidewalk. I got glasses, my adult teeth adjusted in a manner that closely resembled Bugs Bunny, my hair became a greasy tangled mass that jutted out in odd directions, and I started to get acne. By the time I entered my early teens, I was fighting back with braces and cool framed spectacles but I was still far from pretty. If it weren’t for my sense of humor, the list of names I made in high school of people’s butts I had touched would have only contained my own. But the real damage didn’t come from being unattractive, but from believing it.

Everyone has their dream girl and, in high school, mine was named Nichole. She was my friend and, outside of a few wet-willies and random flirting, we kept it pretty much strictly amicable. I was okay with that at the time. However, looking back, I can’t think of another person that I spoke to on a daily basis that I thought was funnier, smarter or more beautiful. After graduating I realized that had I thought a bit more of myself, I would have probably made a more valiant effort to make her mine. The man she married is a good guy with lots to offer but I would not argue that he is particularly handsome. In fact, he may have the smallest teeth I have ever seen outside of a cat’s mouth. Perhaps, had I had the self confidence then that I do now, I could have made something happen.

This anecdote isn’t meant to highlight how much I wish things had worked out differently, because I don’t. Things worked out fine for me and, for all I know, she might beat her husband savagely, which probably isn’t nearly as hot as it sounds. The point is that thinking you’re ugly is going to do way more damage than actually being some hideous freak. As an adult you can be ugly and still be cool, talented and personable. With the right attitude and style, it won’t even matter that your normal face is a little scary. Before you know it people will start describing it as “striking” or “crammed with character.”

I have been told that, like some teens, I developed into a pretty normal looking adult. I might even go so far as to say “sinisterly handsome.” And, after I started to believe that, it changed how I lived my life. Things got much better and, before I knew it, I had the opportunity to ruin a string of relationships with very intelligent and attractive women. However, my attractiveness is bound to peak soon if it hasn’t already. Every moment I’m not living the champagne, or Champale, life is a moment I’m losing forever. It’s just hard to get away from the computer screen sometimes.

Well, you could look at the glass half-full: Fran doesn’t have to unclog her bathroom drain as much anymore, given that her hair is no longer falling out in huge clumps. And no one notices that her hair is gray or that some of her hair has fallen off her head and replanted itself on her chin. Phew for that.

I think we should have a club! I too was a beyond adorable child. My grandmother also made sure I knew everyone everywhere was a potential rapist. Her answer to everything was “You can’t go there! Rapists could be there!” Needless to say, all my friends got slurpees from 7-11 during the summer and I had to wait for the creepy ice cream man to swing past our house… or drink hose water.

I felt like an ugly duckling my whole life – nerdy, head buried in a book, glasses, braces (for 9 years and yes headgear, thank you very much). I’m 39 and happy with who I am now… I think a person’s beauty/attractiveness is definitely defined by attitude and character and in my opinion, the sexiest thing about a man is his mind…

I’ve never met an ugly person who didn’t have the personality or capability to be seen as something altogether attractive when taken as a whole. (Except for the mentally handicapped, they’re screwed.) Its the vapid and self absorbed who I see as the ugliest, unfortunately you cant always see that right away.

Great post, and the insight that insecurity and thinking you’re unattractive does more damage than actually being unattractive = pure gold. Forget calculus, that’s the stuff they should be teaching high schoolers :)

Have to play the devil’s advocate at least a little, though, and point out that “attractiveness” has far more import if you’re a woman. For the most part men are judged on success/women are judged on looks, so while men can get away with being less-than-head-turning, if you’re an über confident but unattractive woman… It still ain’t easy.

I can actually agree with you. I still think that men are judged by their looks and women are starting to be judged more on their successes. But it’s disproportionate and women are still judged by their looks– often unfairly.

I’d like to see us all judged less on such superficial things but, when we strip away all of the the false fronts, there isn’t always a lot left of some people.

It’s oddly comforting to hear that you were cute as a kid and feel like you reached your ugly low at teenager-hood to return to handsome-ish as an adult. I was ugly as a kid, reached my peak of pretty as a teen (my profile pic was taken 13 years ago; almost half a life ago), and then went quickly past my prime at 26-ish. I may be sinking into Frandom. At least I am strong enough that I don’t give a shizzle.

However, even after 13 years, you have to still be a looker if that photo is anything to go by. But even if you aren’t and became some sort of hideous monster, someone will think you are beautiful and special– and everyone will think you are a good writer.

A wrinkle free face is without character and intrigue, gray is just as good as any other color and as long as you haven’t developed a flab zone, it doesn’t matter that you’re not cut. There are all types of beautiful- not looking the same doesn’t mean you don’t look as good.

At any rate, even if you are gross, it’s probably just best to accept it.

I’ve always wished people would call me interesting rather than pretty. ‘Cause like you said…it fades. Being an awesome and interesting person regardless of what you look like on the outside is just so much more amazing in the end.

Story of my life! Not one, but TWO of my teachers introduced me to the class as a boy. And I didn’t even have the courage to correct them. But I didn’t care because I was nice and people still became my friend for that. And now I am awesome and hilarious and gorgeous (okay, only maybe one of these apply).

I feel like you need to post a timeline of photographs to really validate this post.

Posky, take the stalker invitation. My only stalker is a 200 lb. British woman who gives out keys to my house to neighbors so they can break in while I am out of town, has my journal photocopied, and goes through my trash vicariously when I put it out curbside. I would love to be cool enough for someone to even make a pass as stalking me. Unfortunately, my cartoon drawing is pretty coarse and I can never attain your level of coolness. (You can check out my attempt on one of my blogs: “Change of Plans.”) I thought of you while I scrawled it. It was a sad day in the life of that Sharpie marker.

Nicely written and funny at the same time! I’ve read some articles discussing how beautiful people tend to be “trusted” more than the unattractive…just need to dig deeper to determine what ugliness, if any, lies beneath.

Huh…seems like we each have a rather unhealthy obsession with each other’s faces. I’m currently dusting off the 8ft poster I have of you in my room – I don’t feel the need to hide my shrine in a closet…