The Big Clean-Up: Tell Us About Your Chemically-Induced Colon Blow

I was talking with a woman a few days ago who told me she does a full colon cleanse every six months. I’m not sure about the significance of the word “full,” but she kept saying it, so it must be important. She insisted that her semi-annual cleanse is a key component of her well-being. It’s so important, in fact, she has alerts set up on her phone, so she always knows when it’s time.

Of course I had to ask a few questions… Toney never follows up on things like that, and I always shout, “How could you just let something like that go??” If a person volunteers such information to me, I view it as a green light to dig deeper. So to speak.

This person said she takes pills, purchased at the drug store, which causes everything to come flooding out. That’s right, flooding. But, she assured me, it’s not really a “colon blow.” Everything’s pretty much normal, as far as consistency is concerned. (I appreciated that bit of news.) But all the nasty stuff that attaches to the intestine walls is set free, and she feels great afterward.

Interesting.

I’ve seen pictures of people on the Internet holding up a yard of something that looks like seaweed, with a pencil or a plastic spoon. I’ll spare you the horror, but it’s easy to find if you’re interested. They claim to have shit-out that mess, after undergoing some sort of natural cleanse.

But the woman I was talking with said nothing like that happens with the pills. There are no violent assplosions, or anything of the sort. She had me intrigued, and thinking about actually trying it myself. At the very least… it would make for a good update. Yeah, but it will almost certainly never happen.

I was also talking with a person who will be having a colonoscopy soon. And a few days ago something arrived at his house via UPS, called a Bowel Preparedness Kit. I almost did a spit-take. I’ve never undergone anything like that, either. I’ve never engaged in any form of X-Treme Crapping, for any reason whatsoever. Except, of course, following a rare visit to Starbucks. But that doesn’t count.

Have you ever had a medically-induced “full” cleanse? Or one of those all-natural seven pounds o’ seaweed deals? What about the drug store pills? I’ll probably never do it, because I’d convince myself that without all the intestinal flora and fauna, I might come down with Whooping Cough of the Bowels, or something. I mean, some of that stuff might be necessary, right?

In any case, I’d like to know about your experiences with such things. Please use the comments section to bring us up to date on this important issue.

And if you’re like me, and have nothing to contribute, just tell us what foods or beverages do it for you. I’ll start the ball rolling with something that never fails to send me Frankenstein-walking to the small room: Sunkist soda. Now it’s your turn.

Sorry this one is so short, and poopcentric. But please keep in mind… this is the West Virginia Surf Report.

Quick note: All of the above was ready to go yesterday afternoon, but something was askew with the website. I couldn’t access it, and was getting a scary error message where the Smoking Fish should be. I didn’t have time to deal with it, but when I got to work I sent an email to my new webhost. And they fixed the problem within an hour. I couldn’t believe it. They didn’t hem and haw for three days, and hit me with thinly-veiled accusations etc., like my previous host would have… They just diagnosed the problem, and fixed it. How cool is that?

Anyway, let’s get back to the subject at hand: power-shitting. Please tell us your stories in the comments section.

As a matter of fact I just had my first colonoscopy this past Friday. Just the standard age-50 check of the ol’ colon. The actual procedure was no big deal, but preparing for it the night before really sucked. Starting at 5 pm I had to take four laxative pills. Then at 6 I had to drink a 32-ounce bottle of Gatorade mixed with a large quantity of soluble laxative. I thought the assplosions would start by about 7:00, and be over by bedtime, but no such luck. They didn’t start until about 11:00, at which time I am usually sound asleep. I would then wake up about every two hours throughout the night for more fun on the bowl. Then in the morning, at 5 a.m. I had to drink another bottle of Gatorade mixed with more of the laxative. I then had more liquishits until about 8 a.m. (eventually nothing but Gatorade would come out, which I suppose is the goal of the exercise). By the time of my appointment at 9 a.m. I was extremely tired and all shitted out. Not much fun. But the doctor told me I have not polyps, so I don’t need to do it again until I’m 60. (Man, it’s scary just writing “60” — I can’t believe that’s only ten years away. Life goes by way too fast.)

I got some powder that needed to be mixed with two quarts of water that I was supposed to drink every 15 minutes over the course of two hours.

Holy Shit *pun intended*!

I was about 2 cups into the first quart and the ‘regular’ turds came out. Everything after that was just yellow water squirting every few minutes. No seaweed, no gerbil bones, no Rolex [my ex-wife’s lawyer lost his. I’ve suspected for years he lost it in my ass while looking for more assets]

I just sat on the toilet and watched TV in the bathroom mirror for the next 3 hours.

The funny thing was that the instructions said I could take one quart at night and one in the morning just before leaving for the hospital. Yeah. Right. Only if I had vinyl seats……

Yeah, they just gave me a jug with a powder mixture in the bottom that I had to fill with water and mix with Crystal Light (if I wanted to). Then, I had to take the two pills and drink an 8oz glass of that chalky shit every half hour until it was all gone. Sad thing is, I had to do it on an NFL Sunday, prepping for an early Monday procedure. My buddies came over with cases of beer and I couldn’t have any, just the chalky stuff. Every half hour, one of my buddies would yell “time to do your shot”. They’d have Jaeger and I’d have my stuff. Not funny.

Unfortunately, colon cancer claimed my mother at age 64 fourteen years ago and my father has also had it, so me and the four siblings all have regular “scopes” every five years. I’ve had to have 3 so far. They found a pollup during one, but it was nothing cancerous, likely just a weird-looking piece of corn. Growing up in this chemical plant-infested area, it’s a very good idea for us to have this procedure done every so often, especially once you hit the big Five-0. They knock you out cold, so the humility is kept at a minimum.

I recently spent a few days in the custody of a government agency and went approximately 64 hrs without voiding. But when it finally came to a head it was a fetishist’s dream!

8 habeneros, eh. I’ve been craving super spicy food lately. A grocery store near here recently switched from a Homeland (Like a Kroger (Krogers)) to a Super Save which is supposedly cost+a percentage depending on how much. under 25 bucks it’s cost+12% over 1000 it’s plus 5% or so. Anyway, it’s pretty mexican in there now and they have a decent pepper section. I might try the habenero coffee rubbed chicken colon blow.

I have a digestive disorder. Since 2000 I’ve had three colonoscopies and one sigmoidoscopy (“colonoscopy-lite”). And I’m not even 40 yet (okay, in a few months I will be, but still).

Considering that early on in my illness most days were like the Ryan’s Steakhouse Experience ( http://thewvsr.com/ryans.htm ), I was surprised to discover that the doctor’s concoction of industrial strength laxatives could still wring anything out of me. But they did. Oh did they ever. To put it mildly, I would have benefited from a roll bar over the toilet. And along with the all-night power shits come intense cramping that result in near-blacking out. By my third colonoscopy I had learned to set up a fan and a small table to lay my head on for when things got tough.

Will the indignities all be over by the exam? Not a chance. You’ll be sitting in the car/waiting room/exam room trying bravely to hold back the lingering spurts. But you’ll fail. I’ve still shit myself AFTER the damn exam. Why anyone would willingly subject themselves to monthly colon blows is beyond me.

So I’m wondering here…did this woman look healthy? Was she attractive at all? Overweight and bad skin and stuff like that or anything? Did she feel that probably the most disgusting area of the human body is her best attribute? The fuck man? Does she eat crap and crap and crap for six months and the thinks it all goes away because she dredges the canal, opens the flood gates and let’s the sludge and silt head down river? I think missing a lung is a better ice breaker for a conversation.

I had a colonoscopy two years ago… I had to use MoviPrep for my colonoscopy prep process.

Sounds roughly like what Henderson had to take… the prep starts the night before your colonoscopy. You mix two chemicals with a quart of water. Over the course of an hour, you drink the quart of MoviPrep liquid, which tastes like a really bland lemon-lime Gatorade. You then drink a quart of just water.

After that, your stomach rumbles for about an hour… except it’s not normal rumbling. It’s rumbling loud enough for people to hear from 20 feet away. Then you shit every 20-30 minutes for a few hours.

Then you repeat the same process again the following morning, right before the colonoscopy.

That wasn’t the weirdest part of the colonoscopy though… the weirdest part was not having to poop until six days later. I guess that’s what happens when you clear out your entire digestive system.

For some reason, Pizza Hut lights up my nether regions like an A-Bomb. I’ll have the lunch buffet and I turn into a mini-Marcellus shale gas plant by 4 pm. As for the runs, Apple cider really gets it rockin. Could be the sugar and salt concentration is similar to the colonoscopy potion. Doesn’t taste anything like it, though.

I have no guaranteed triggers, but for first thing in the morning I can usually count on a double espresso and a cigarette.

I had my first ‘scope several months ago. When I picked up the prescription several days prior, it was a big ol’ box labeled Bowel Prep Kit. I didn’t care for the sound of that. The box contained a big plastic cup and two bottles of Nasty. Suffice it to say that previous Reporters’ comments are right on the money. The prep is quite unpleasant, but the procedure itself is no big thing at all.
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Dave Barry wrote a great column about his first colonoscopy years ago. He referred to that gatorade looking stuff as “a thermonuclear laxative,” and boy did he nail it. They told me to stay close to the bathroom, and it turned out they meant I should stay within a few feet of the porcelain throne. Wow!

Whatever it is they use to turn the lights out before they send in the “probe” is some amazing stuff, too. The nurse said, “OK, we’re going to put you under now,” and approximately 1.5 seconds later I found myself in another room, on my back, wondering how I got there. I was pretty much a drooling idiot for the next few hours, but I didn’t have a care in the world.

Nothing in particular really sets the intestines a turnin’ for me. However, I picked up a “stomach virus” last year in January that had me erupting out of both ends like Pompeii. I couldn’t even keep water down. As I sat on my bedroom floor filling up my trash, can my mother heard me howling at the moon and came to check on me. As she opened the door I let out one final heave and started laughing histarically. She asked me if I was ok and I looked up at her with puke on my chin and said, “yup, I just shit myself. I think it’s time to go to the hospital.”

Two bags of IV fluid, anti-nausea medicine, and 3 hours later I was on my way home. I wouldn’t wish that kind of torture upon anyone (well, almost anyone…).