Pittsburgh, PA -- "My friends," claimed new Vice-Presidential candidate V.I.P. at his recent downtown campaign luncheon, "I ask you to look the facts in the eye. The facts are this. Video games do not kill people! Umbrellas kill people." Pausing to look around, he added: "Sniper in the third row!" and ducked offstage just as a hollowpoint round exploded off of a nearby flagpole and ricochetted into a glass water pitcher.

George W. Bush's choice for a runningmate has (literally) come under fire in recent weeks, but the Republican candidate remains unphased. "The V.I.P. has a plan for this great nation," he said in recent a "State of the Campaign" address delivered through team-chat. "Yes, he has a plan. We plan to take the basement first, using the crates for cover, and then if things are looking good we'll take the steps but not until you, the american people, give the 'go' code." He added: "So bind your keys already, 'cuz we're coming to the White House!"

The platform's new down-to-earth advertising campaign may only be contributing to the hostility

Political analysts are unsure what the long-term ramifications of the campaign are going to be, but the V.I.P. has certainly shaken things up. Yesterday Gore made a much-publicized appearance at a Philadelphia grade school where he claimed, repeatedly, that he "loved little Pikachu" and personally boasted a collection of over 134 Pokemon. VP candidate Lieberman is also trying to soften his position on interactive entertainment, telling reporters recently that videogames may not turn all children into killers. Although he claimed a substantial number will still end up as "freaky little shits."