One woman doing her part to break the silence that surrounds infertility.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Grief is Why We Tell the Story

I've been listening to the soundtrack for Once on this Island over and over as I introduce the older kids to it (and then keep playing it when they're not in the car, which is most of my driving time). If you go by the measurement of how long it takes me to wear out the CD, Wicked is definitely my favorite musical, with Once on this Island and Ragtime close behind. This song made me tear up as I was driving to work this morning.

For those who aren't familiar with it, the end of the show is very bittersweet, as the main character dies for her love. This song celebrates the sharing of stories within societies and families and across generations.

"Life is why we tell the story
Pain is why we tell the story
Love is why we tell the story
Grief is why we tell the story
Hope is why we tell the story
Faith is why we tell the story
You are why we tell the story."

This fits with why I talk about my loss of Otter. The whole story of Once on this Island is being passed down from older generation to younger in a peasant village, and it made me think of telling my son some day about his sibling, or of telling any other children we may be able to have about their other sibling that they never knew.

All of these are why we tell the story. Otter had life, even if it was not life outside of my body. We loved Otter, and losing her (see past post for why Otter has a gender in my writing) led to pain and grief. The circumstances surrounding the loss ruined the hope that we had, but they also led to the possibility of new hope (if I could only feel it myself) of conception not being affected by endometriosis. I try to have faith that we will be able to have another child.

And my son (as well as any others we may have) is why we tell the story. At some point in the future, he will know what a miracle it was that I was able to conceive and carry him. Because even though Otter came and went after him, it is somewhat his story as well.