Emeryville IKEA Declares Independence

In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about freedom from tyranny, the natural rights of retail employees, and the success of the recent Winter Sale.

UC Berkeley professor Wilber Chaffee was not surprised by the decision. "IKEA is almost as big as the rest of Emeryville combined. With abundant natural resources, plentiful strudel, and a small, hex-wrench-wielding militia, IKEA should find great success on its own." Chaffee then purchased a set of knives for $4.

The Emeryville government, still weakened from its efforts to put down the Best Buy revolt in November, is expected to offer only token resistance. Primary exports of the new nation are expected to be prefabricated bookshelves and traffic

IKEA better look out for that huge motherfucker next door to it... the Bay Street complex, cuz they've not only already topped IKEA in the area of traffic export, but they also have film, greatly overpriced-retail and non-pseudo-Swedish food on their list of natural resources. I hope a big-ass war breaks out soon so when the dust finally settles and both giants are taken down, I can finally get to Trader Joe's again.