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The season is winding down—only three episodes left!—and this week is The Hangover, Hawaii Five-0 style. Three men wake up in a seriously trashed hotel room, hungover and in varying states of injury. Jake (Pauly Shore) has half of his hair burned off, Nolan (Jaleel White) is rocking a serious black eye, and Mickey (Kevin P. Farley) is sporting a skimpy bikini top (on a very unskimpy body). They don’t remember anything about last night.

The men think a nasty headache will be the most of their troubles, until they find the dead girl in their bathtub. Despite their alcohol-induced blackouts, they imagine they would remember killing someone. The men panic, and are arrested trying to bury the girl’s body. That’s when Five-0 is called in.

Back at HQ, Steve, Danny, and Lou each take an idiot to interrogate. Their wives all think they’re on a hunting trip. They needed to do something crazy to get their mojo back! So they took off their wedding rings and set out to have affairs with vulnerable spring breakers. Oh, middle age.

They got 18 room keys and passed them out to some potential rendezvous partners (which explains why their victim had one on her body). There were also guns found in their hotel room (part of their hunting-trip ruse), but none match the murder weapon.

After the autopsy, Max says their victim didn’t have any alcohol or drugs in her system, but the three stooges sure did. There were also traces of ketamine, explaining the memory loss. If Five-0 wants to find out what happened to their victims, they’re going to have to retrace the wolf pack’s steps.

McDanno heads to the first bar and promises each other that they’ll make Grace attend college online (because this is a decision platonic work partners make together). They interview a few waitresses and find out that the men hit on every girl at the bar (unsuccessfully) with literally the worst pickup lines known to man. Around 11 p.m., they closed their tab and got into a cab.

From the cab driver, they track the men to a club, where they bought a round of shots for the ladies and still didn’t score. When they started getting sloppy, the bouncer kicked them out (which explains Nolan’s black eye). But Jake didn’t want to leave! So naturally, he grabbed a baton from a nearby fire twirler and accosted the bouncer, setting his own head on fire before the cops arrived. (And that explains the hair.)

The cop leads Five-0 to the next club they visited, a place with a giant ball pit—which is THE WORST IDEA. Do you know how many drug needles and other atrocities have been found in children’s ball pits? I can only imagine the contraband that would be found in one designed for drunk adults.

Anyway, a waitress there recognizes our victim. Her name is Rebecca, and she worked at the club. She left before the guys did, she told her coworker she had to wake up early for something, and she seemed really excited about it.

Steve and Lou search Rebecca’s place and find a nice outfit laid out on the bed and a letter from a lawyer. Her biological father is dying and wanted to meet her. They talk to Rebecca’s half-brother, Raymond (Todd Robert Anderson). He just recently found out about Rebecca. His father always regretted abandoning her after an affair, and he wanted to make things right, so Raymond tracked her down.

When Steve and Lou return to HQ, Danny is watching security footage from the club. A man sat at the bar for hours and then followed Rebecca out. It’s her brother, Raymond. A secret sister meant a smaller inheritance. The scratches on Raymond’s arms (and his DNA under Rebecca’s fingernails) will send him to prison, and the wolf pack is sent back to the mainland with probation and their wedding rings.

While all of this is happening, the cousins are helping Jerry locate someone on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. Jerry is running deliveries for Kamekona on a tiny scooter when he sees a woman forced into a car. Jerry abandons his delivery and tails the car, but when he catches up, the abductor is dead in the car, and the girl is gone.

When Chin and Kono arrive, Jerry laments that his life is more dangerous and full of dead bodies since he started hanging with the team. Where’s his badge? (Over my dead body, Jerry.) Their dead man has multiple calls for domestic disputes, but his wife isn’t the woman he abducted.

Jerry gives a description, and they match it to Natalie Morris, who is wanted for kidnapping and sex trafficking. She was just featured on an America’s Most Wanted-esque show. They assume their victim must have been making a citizen’s arrest to claim the reward. But it turns out that their victim matches the description of Natalie’s co-conspirator. He was trying to kill his partner before she was arrested and rolled on him.

The cousins track Natalie to a secluded coffee plantation that’s crawling with armed men and working women. It’s a slave-labor camp, and it’s where Natalie kept the women she abducted, but she’s already gone. Chin and Kono find the docks where the women are brought in and spot Natalie there. The cousins lead us in our obligatory shootout, and Natalie is killed.

Later, Jerry is finally given the recognition he craves, and is granted a Civilian Medal of Valor from the HPD. Everyone is dressed up (I am still thinking about Steve’s beautiful blue suit), and Jerry is talked into wearing a shrimp truck t-shirt at the podium. (There’s nothing Kamekona won’t do for some free publicity.)

A few final thoughts: Chin tells Steve about the photos Gabriel left him, so that’ll be coming back before season’s end. Next week Kono ends up lost at sea somehow. And did you see who’s coming back for the finale?!

Expression Of JoyThe Brady Bunch: Groovy! The Bradys: Ritual hugging Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.” Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you? The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…” The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been) Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!” Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?” The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical ProblemThe Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen. The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed. Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents. Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer. The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical SolutionThe Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens. The Bradys: Bobby gets married. Married…With Children: They hate him. Thirtysomething: If only we knew… The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

Attitude Toward SexThe Brady Bunch: Never heard of it The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it! Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No. Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident. The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses FightThe Brady Bunch: They don’t. The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens Married…With Children: Tooth and nail Thirtysomething: They stop talking The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into TroubleThe Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette. The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair. Married…With Children: By committing felonies Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket. The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.” The Bradys ”Next time, ask.” Married…With Children: By the authorities Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face. The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For FunThe Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon The Bradys: Has flashbacks Married…With Children: Exchanges insults Thirtysomething: Talks The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved MysteriesThe Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die? The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use? Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other? The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst BehaviorThe Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

Best Reason To WatchThe Brady Bunch: This is what life should be. The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now! Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it. Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life. The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To WatchThe Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses. The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now. Married…With Children: She has a point. Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real. The Flintstones: The Simpsons