Recently, in Saranagati, an interesting class was given by Vishaka dasi on verse 18.76 of Bhagavad Gita. “O King, as I repeatedly recall this wondrous and holy dialogue between Krishna and Arjuna, I take pleasure, being thrilled at every moment.”

From the purport, she read, “The understanding of Bhagavad-Gita is so transcendental that anyone who becomes conversant with the topics of Arjuna and Kåñëa becomes righteous and he cannot forget such talks. This is the transcendental position of spiritual life. In other words, one who hears the Gita from the right source, directly from Krishna, attains full Krishna consciousness. The result of Krishna consciousness is that one becomes increasingly enlightened, and he enjoys life with a thrill, not only for some time, but at every moment.”

At the end of class, my god brother, Yoginatha Prabhu, questioned that perhaps at the time Srila Prabhupada wrote this purport the usage of the word ‘thrill’ was different. Our current understanding of the word thrill could not be accommodated in Srila Prabhupada’s statement. These days it would imply a steady diet of activities such as bungee jumping, horror movies, roller coasters, rich food, fast cars, and passionate romance.

It is just not possible to have an endless barrage of passionate thrills. They will either run out or we will get burned out. As the great legend of blues, B.B. King sang, “The thrill is gone Baby.”

Yoginatha’s question piqued my attention as I have read that statement many times over the years and each time, simply filed it in a mental folder I call, “for future understanding.”

I had just received a 15 pound 2000 page 1904 edition of The New Twentieth Century Dictionary, so I volunteered to look it up its definition of the word, thrill.

The 1904 definition of thrill was: “To be agitated or moved by; or as a subtle shivering sensation running through the body.”

I next consulted two other dictionaries. The 1969 Pocket Oxford Dictionary, Fifth Edition, defined thrill as “A nervous tremor due to intense emotion.” From Webster’s New World Dictionary first published in 1987 the definition was “to feel or cause to feel emotional excitement.”

Some how, between 1904 and 1987 the meaning of thrill had evolved, or perhaps we should say, devolved, from a subtle sensation, to intense emotion and then to emotional excitement.

From this I could finally understand that Srila Prabhupada was talking about something much more subtle and profound than what our contemporary B.B. King had conceived of as a thrill.

Our civilization and linguistic culture is becoming so dull that sometimes we cannot properly understand Srila Prabhupada’s words, what to speak of grasping the concepts he is conveying. Our finer sentiments are losing definition in the language we speak.

This was predicted in Srimad Bhagavatam SB 1.1.22

“We think that we have met Your Goodness by the will of providence, just so that we may accept you as captain of the ship for those who desire to cross the difficult ocean of Kali, which deteriorates all the good qualities of a human being.” Srila Prabhupada comments in the purport that “…..In this age, the life span will gradually decrease. People will gradually lose their memory, finer sentiments, strength, and better qualities.”

This is certainly epitomized in the entertainment industries thrill factor which is pandering to gross sentiments by producing movies with prolonged and increased levels of graphic violence. Love thru modern media has been reduced to passionate romance.

An effect of the media’s presentation of so called love is that the general connotation of the word conjugal tends to be one of a sexual nature.

Hoisting my 15 pound dictionary on my lap, being careful not to strain my back, I look up the word, conjugal.

Conjugal: “Relating to marriage.”

I ask my self what kind of activities relate to marriage? In my experience, its having children (sex is pretty much the only way), raising children, changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, picking up toys, doing laundry, talking with my wife, exchanging joking works with my wife, working to maintain my family, coming home from work and tripping on toys and picking them up again, paying bills, negotiating with my spouse who will do what and when, building a house, shopping, etc. etc.

“Shopping? Conjugal?” you question. Well if I see my spouse and children as having been put under my care and protection by the mercy of Lord Krsna then even shopping for diapers can be a fulfilling subtle conjugal responsibility, a burden of love.

However if I am influenced by the gross paradigms produced by contemporary media and society, I am likely to think of such activities as akin to stringing beads on a thread with no knot on the end, or worse like the burden of a beast, which is unfortunate and very common.

There is an interesting saying in the field of marital education. “If you made a movie of the small meaningful exchanges that make a marriage successful it would be like watching paint dry.” These subtle exchanges just cannot be portrayed on a flat screen, no matter how high the definition. It would not sell. Therefore media portrays love as gross sex and passion to increase sales.

Small things, however, are very important and very meaningful.

On the highest spiritual platform, small things can be extremely profound. In Nectar of Devotion, Srila Prabhupada’s summary study of Srila Rupa Goswami’s, Bhakti Rasamrita Sindhu there is a lengthy chapter on stimulations for ecstatic love of God. Many of the examples given are very subtle; the sound of Krsna’s ankle bells, seeing His footprints, meeting His devotees and even something as slight as hearing the name of Mathura. Yet these fine, faint stimuli evoke joyous rapture in those with advanced spiritual consciousness.

This begs a question. If we cannot become appreciative and offer thanks for the small things around us; the warmth of the sun, a cooling breeze, refreshing water, or the small everyday things our spouse does for us, how will we ever be able comprehend these stimulations and impetuses for ecstatic love of God?

“Baby, the thrill is not gone! I have become dull, unappreciative, self centered and selfish, please forgive me,” might be a more appropriate song.

A therapist draws on Lord Krishna’s teachings to help a child control his rage.

THE HOSPITAL ROOM SMELLS strongly of antiseptic as I walk in. Chris sits on his bed, immersed in rapidly pushing buttons with his thumbs.

“Nintendo?” I ask nonchalantly, breaking his concentration.

“Play Station,” he replies, continuing to madly push buttons.

I sit in a chair next to his bed, observing his strategy for blowing things up.

After a couple of minutes, Chris slams the game paddle to the floor.

“I hate this game,” he snarls, with a few expletives thrown in.

Instinctively I reply, “Hmm, sounds like you’re really angry.”

My statement of the obvious sounds ludicrous to both of us. Chris ignores me. He covers his head with the bed sheet and mumbles to himself.

I feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say to draw him out. Chris is an eleven-year-old boy I’ve been working with in mental-health therapy for the past year. He has a history of explosive, raging outbursts. Recently he kicked a brick wall so hard he broke the femur in his right leg. Now he’s confined to a hospital bed with pins in his leg.

I make another feeble attempt to connect to him.

“Anger is a powerful feeling. Looks like we need to explore new ways for you to control it, rather than it control you.”

After enduring a few more minutes of silence, I decide to try a different approach.

“ I brought you some cookies,” I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

At this, he peers out from under the sheet and asks, “What kind?”

Relieved to hear some response, I reply “Peanut butter.”

He puts his hand out, and I place the cookies in it. Both he and the cookies disappear under the sheet. The muted sound of his munching fills the sterile room.

Losing Control

Since Chris and I began working on his anger, he has learned to identify things that trigger it. Getting teased at school makes him furious and inspired him to kick the brick wall. He has also learned to recognize that when he loses control, his fists and teeth clench and he feels flushed. He has developed a repertoire of positive ways to deal with his anger: walking away, positive self-talk, running around the block, visualizing a peaceful place. Despite this arsenal of anger-management skills, he still fails to control his anger in real-life situations.

Because I’m a long-time student of Bhagavad-gita, Chris’s problem reminds me of the verse in which Lord Krishna tells His friend and disciple Arjuna that anger comes from lust. People generally think of lust as sexual longing. But Lord Krishna’s definition of lust extends to any ungodly desire to gratify the senses.

Lord Krishna further explains that although the senses require a certain amount of satisfaction, unless regulated they become like wild horses, forcing one to obey their whims. Craving the objects of their satisfaction, the senses take control of the mind and intelligence, leading to frustration and anger when their impossible demands go unmet. From this anger, Krishna continues, delusion arises, and from delusion, bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, human intelligence is lost, leaving one in a hell of irrational behavior.

Anger in Littleton

Modern society is full of people plagued with sensual addictions. When such people can’t satisfy their urges, they become frustrated and anger takes control. As a result, we are currently witnessing unprecedented acts of violence throughout society. Even our middle-class suburban schools have been victimized by a rash of killings perpetrated by children from their own communities.

On April 20,1999, two students of Columbine High School in affluent Littleton, Colorado, opened fire on their fellow students, killing eleven and injuring many more. For the climax of their orchestrated massacre, the boys shot and killed themselves.

Like my client Chris, the Littleton boys had experienced peer rejection. One of them had graduated from an anger-management class. Still, rather than seek out ways to be accepted, they chose to retaliate with vengeance. They identified with hate groups and then planned a diabolical scheme to persecute those they imagined had smitten them.

This is a modern illustration of the Gita’s timeless words: a thwarted desire for adoration and distinction emotionally evolves from lust to anger, then to delusion, and finally to insanity.

Graduates of the study of the Bhagavad-gita go on to the Shrimad-Bhagavatam. The Bhagavatam narrates several accounts of how anger bewildered the intelligence of even great personalities. Once Durvasa Muni, a powerful yogi, approached the palace of Ambarisha Maharaja, a saintly king and exalted devotee of the Lord. Ambarisha prepared a reception with sumptuous food for Durvasa. As was the custom, before accepting his meal Durvasa went to bathe in the river. While bathing, the mystic Durvasa entered a yogic trance and stayed in the water for some time.

King Ambarisha had been observing a religious fast, and the proper time to break his fast was approaching. Not wanting to offend Durvasa by accepting his own meal before feeding his guest, Ambarisha Maharaja drank a little water—an action that simultaneously breaks and does not break one’s fast.

By his yogic abilities, Durvasa came to know of this perceived transgression. Thinking the king’s action disrespectful, Durvasa became insulted, and to retaliate he went before Ambarisha with angry words. He then invoked a fiery demon meant to destroy the king. But Lord Krishna protected His devotee Ambarisha and released His razor-sharp disc weapon towards Durvasa. After fleeing for his life, Durvasa came to his senses and realized how his pride and lust for adoration and distinction had provoked his needless wrath. Understanding the ramifications of his anger, Durvasa Muni fell at the feet of Maharaja Ambarisha and received forgiveness.

Anger as a Symptom

There are rare instances where anger is spiritually appropriate, provoked by injustices against the Lord and His devotees. Most anger, however, is a negative emotion manifested from frustrated attempts to enjoy sensually in the material world. Such anger must be checked and controlled. Teaching people anger-management skills can help. Chris sometimes successfully avoided confrontation by remembering to use them.

But as fever is a symptom of some disease in the body, anger is a symptom of ongoing material hankerings. Just as treating fever alone will not cure the disease, treating anger without understanding it to be a symptom of lust will not extinguish the unwanted behavior. To conquer anger, we must first ask how we shall conquer lust.

The Shrimad-Bhagavatam describes many persons who conquered lust and were unaffected by anger. Foremost among them is Prahlada Maharaja. At the age of five, Prahlada, a self realized devotee, had no interest in worldly gain—just the opposite of his lusty, atheistic father, Hiranyakashipu. In time, the godless Hiranyakashipu began to look upon his saintly son as an enemy and plotted to kill him.

Although harassed in various ways by his father, Prahlada never became angry with him. The Lord, however, appeared as Narasimhadeva and killed Hiranyakashipu. Afterwards, He offered a benediction to Prahlada, who, being self-satisfied in love of God, asked only that his evil father be liberated from his sins.

To be free of any negative emotions towards a person who tries to kill you may seem impossible. Yet a pure soul sees things differently. Pure devotees of God know they are spiritual beings, separate from the material body, and they see others in the same way. They understand how karma forces everyone to act according to a particular conditioned nature. They have full faith that the Lord is orchestrating everything and that He will protect them. Self-realized souls such as Prahlada are satisfied, so they don’t need to exploit anything or anyone.

While this portrait of a pure soul may seem foreign, it is nevertheless our actual nature. Layers of dirt may cover gold, but when thoroughly cleansed the gold resumes its brilliance. Similarly, those who become cleansed of material desire again exhibit their original purity. Such purification is possible by engaging the demanding senses in serving the Lord. Without using the senses in God’s service, trying to control them will end in frustration and failure.

Helping Chris

I realize that Chris’s success hinges on his turning to God, Krishna. Chris can now go in a direction that will elevate or degrade his consciousness. He can allow his anger to consume him and follow the teenage murderers of Columbine. Or he can follow in the footsteps of Prahlada and Ambarisha.

Right now I can’t imagine Chris sitting down to chant the Hare Krishna mantra on beads. But I can introduce prayer to get him started.

When Chris finally emerges from under the sheets, I suggest a new tactic: praying to God for help with his anger. Together we formulate the prayer: “My dear Lord, please help me to stay in control of my anger. Help me to be calm and peaceful even when I’m being teased.”

Chris repeats the prayer several times out loud and gives me an approving nod.

“Maybe this will help.” he says with a new confidence.

“I’m sure it will,” I respond, getting up to leave.

He waves enthusiastically.

“Come again,” he says, “and bring more cookies!”

I make a mental note to bring cookies offered to Krishna so Chris can be purified. I’d hate for him to be angry with me.

Archana-siddhi Devi Dasi was initiated by Shrila Prabhupada in 1976. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Work (LSCW). Presently living in Sandy Ridge, NC with her husband and son, she works in private practice.

For some reason unknown, I have always been fascinated by Artic and Antarctic adventurers. I live in Canada, at Saranagati where winter weather reaches -25C (-10F) and occasionally -40C (-40F). At such times I feel driven to put on my woolies, step into cross country skis, challenge the adverse weather and go off into the wilderness for hours.

My wife is a substitute teacher at the Saranagati School. One afternoon as I waited in the school reading room for her, relaxing on a cozy sofa, a book on a nearby shelf caught my attention. It was a compilation of true tales of northern adventures.

To pass the time, I started reading a section about two men, best of friends, who ventured across a desolate part of Greenland. For the cross country ski expedition, which lasted several weeks, they carried supplies in heavy back packs and on sleds they laboriously pulled. Half way into their adventure, things became difficult. The weather was bad, and their relationship became strained. They began to annoy each other to the extent that one adventurer expressed how his nerves were acutely grated by the constant squeaking of his partner’s boot during their 10 hour daily treks.

When the trip was over they both laughingly admitted the pressures and strain had been so enormous that each had thought of shooting the other with the rifles they had carried in the event of polar bear attack. However, commitment and sanity triumphed; they made it to the end. Ironically the adventure greatly increased the bonds of their friendship.

“Wow!” I thought to myself, “Sounds a bit like the stages and transitions most marriages go through!”

The marriage adventure begins with the euphoric honey moon stage; “Everything is prefect, we are in heaven, this is going to last forever!”

In the next stage a couple may begin to think, “Gandarhava’s abducted my spouse and left me with some kind of alien.” Differences become noticeable- he’s a spender, she’s a saver; he likes spicy prasadam, she likes mild; she’s orderly, he’s disorganized etc. These differences may become annoying and at times things as small as hearing the breathing of one’s spouse from another room, or whether the seat of the privy is left in the vertical or horizontal position have been reported as sources of severe irritation. It may seem like they are often in a power struggle. Both may begin to think that everything would be alright if their spouse would only change.

However there are some things integral to each individual’s personality that will not change. Thus the plot thickens.

At this point couples are at a critical junction in their journey. If they lack skills, support and commitment their relationship can gradually spiral downward toward separation and divorce. If they have firm commitment but lack skills and support they may swerve off course and continue to live together, though perhaps not so happily every after.

On the other hand, if they have commitment, skills and support they can learn to work together as a team, honoring differences, working through challenges and live peacefully executing Krsna consciousness.

One of the inauspicious symptoms of Kali Yuga that Maharja Pariksit observed was that quarrel and strain were beginning to occur between husband and wife.[i] Judging from statistics today, marital discord is at an all time high and the sense of commitment has greatly eroded, resulting in divorce rates around the world that are alarmingly high. One nation’s parliament actually gave serious consideration to making marriage licenses a five year renewable contract, as divorce took up too much court time.

Commitment is an extremely important and powerful value. Its significance is noted in Bhagavat Gita as vyavasäyätmikä buddhi. This Sanskrit term refers to resolute determination or commitment as the active principle of spiritual life. The Grihastha ashrama is meant for devotional service for the satisfaction of the Supreme Lord Sri Krsna. In spiritual marriages this active principle of commitment becomes a sacred bond.

There are different types of commitment in marriage. One type is a constraint commitment, such as social pressures, sense of duty, financial considerations, and concerns for children’s welfare or fear of loss of contact with children, the difficulty in the steps to leave, moral factors, sacred religious vows, or a poor quality of alternatives. These constraint commitments are the like the steel guardrails on the winding scenic highway between Saranagati and Vancouver that can, in an emergency, prevent one’s car from plummeting over a cliff into the Fraser River’s rapids 200 feet below. Most marriage will face times when this power of commitment is drawn upon. Doing so gives one the strength to surmount obstacles. This is what separates sentiment from actual love.

To live exclusively in constraint commitment, however, would not be the healthiest relationship. Doing so would be like grinding my car against every guard rail on the three hour trip from Saranagati to Vancouver. There are better alternatives than relying solely on constraint commitment. A marriage can be sustained in this way, but only because partners feel duty bound or pressured to do so by external constraints.

Devoted commitment, on the other hand, is something internal. It nurtures, gives strength, energy, support and encouragement. This is the healthy sacred bond of marriage. Prabhupada asked couples he married to vow to “live together peacefully in Krsna consciousness.” Srila Prabhupada described that the nature of healthy relationships is one where the husband is energized by his wife just as Krsna is energized in the presence of Radharani. [ii]

This energy is the fruit of devoted commitment. In marriage this comes from sharing principles and values, honoring differences, working for common goals, having a reciprocal service attitude, maintaining mutual respect and appreciation, and revealing one’s mind and hearing one’s spouse in confidence. These activities, if consciously cultivated, make the home a safe haven and place of inspiration from which one can go out into the world to render service to the Lord. This refuge makes even difficult times a burden of love.

If devoted commitment in not nurtured and constraint commitment becomes the sole bond in marriage, trials and tribulations can become like the burden of the beast. Such unhealthy marriages can be filled with stress, unhappiness, resentment, strife and, in the most unfortunate circumstances, emotional and physical abuse.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. To fulfill Srila Prabhupada’s expectations of our marriage requires a willingness to do the hard but satisfying work of making the adventure of our marriage flourish.

Recently I encountered a poem, by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, which reminded me of the importance and benefits of this sense of healthy commitment.

One ship drives east and another drives west

With the self same winds that blow.

T’is the set of the sails,

And not the gales,

That tells us the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea, are the ways of fate;

As we voyage along through life,

T’is the set of a soul

That decides its goal,

And not the calm, or the strife.

In the journey of life there can be many storms. We can be bitter, helpless victims of those squalls, sails flailing, or as Mrs. Wilcox infers, we can draw strength from the set of our soul’s commitment, take the challenge, learn new skills, tighten our sails and bear down on aspirations fostered by our principles and values. This should be especially true if we take, as the captain of our ship, the able guidance of His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada.

[i] SB 1.14.4 Translation. “All ordinary transactions and dealings became polluted with cheating, even between friends. And in familial affairs, there was always misunderstanding between fathers, mothers and sons, between well-wishers, and between brothers. Even between husband and wife there was always strain and quarrel.”

[ii] “If one has got good wife, then he gets energy to work. Therefore, prakriti, she is called prakriti, energy. Similarly, this is a fact. Krishna has got also energy, the original puruña—Radharani, energy, prakriti. Krishna is engladdened in the presence of Radharani. That is nature. Similarly, a man, he becomes energized if he has got a good wife or good mother. This is the history of the whole world. Any great man in this world, you will find that behind him he has got a good wife or good mother. Prakriti, energy. That energizes. In our country how we have seen many persons. Just like Sad Guru Das Bannerjee, (indistinct), they had very good mothers, and they became very great men. Similarly, we saw one Englishman, Lord Wellington, he had a very intelligent wife and he became great man. So this prakriti is energy. By the energy of one woman, one becomes very great. That is the material arrangement. Not only material, in the spiritual world also the same thing. Just like Krishna is energized in the presence of Radharani, in the presence of Radharani. Krishna is called Madana-mohana and Radharani is called Madana-mohana-mohiné.”

Most devotees are married (grhastha), and further, the grhastha asrama is the basis of all other asramas—and of the lives of our children. So we want the grhastha asrama to be as strong as possible. Recently, from December 18 to 20, we held a Couples’ Weekend in Durban, facilitated by Arcana-siddhi and her husband Karnamrita. All the participants felt enlivened by the experience. Here is my address on the opening day:

When I first joined the Boston temple in 1969, we all were quite young and not many of us were married. And we were so new to Krsna consciousness and so dependent on Srila Prabhupada that we asked him for guidance in every area. One of the lady devotees, Balai dasi, had recently gotten married and wasn’t sure what her relationship with her husband should be. She asked Srila Prabhupada, and he replied, “Just as the right hand has a relationship with the left hand through the body, so you have a relationship with your husband through Krsna, with Krsna in the center.” There is the right hand, and there is the left hand, but what connects them is the body. In this example, the right and left hands are the husband and wife, and the body is Krsna.

We had to change our consciousness, Prabhupada told us, and put Krsna at the center. That, he said, would make all the difference. When our false ego is at the center, we have so many problems, but when Krsna is at the center, our relationships become harmonious.

We come into the material world out of envy of Krsna. We want to take the position of Krsna and be the enjoyer, the controller, the proprietor. This is our mood in conditioned existence. And when we come into the material world, we end up competing not only with Krsna but also with so many other competitors of Krsna. And that egoistic mood can enter the home. We compete to be the enjoyers, the controllers, and the proprietors, and that leads to conflict—so many imitation gods fighting for supremacy.

Through the process of Krsna consciousness, our false, bodily identification is replaced by the realization of our true identity as gopi-bhartuh pada-kamalayor dasa-dasanudasah—the servant of the servant of the servant of the servant of Krsna, the maintainer of the gopis.

When a disciple asked Srila Prabhupada, “What should we do when there are conflicts among the devotees?” he replied, “If each devotee thinks, ‘I am the servant of the servant of the servant of Krsna,’ then there will be no more conflict.” The same principle applies in the home. If each family member thinks and feels, “I am the servant of the servant of the servant of Krsna,” the relationships will be very congenial. But that requires a revolution in consciousness. We are in the material world because we want to be the master of the master of the masters, and that mentality leads to frustration, disappointment, and death—repeated birth and death. Becoming the servant of the servant of the servants of Krsna leads to happiness and ultimate liberation.

Soon after I first met Srila Prabhupada and the devotees, as a university student in Boston, I heard that Srila Prabhupada’s spiritual master, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura, had said that when you come to Krsna consciousness you become relieved of the burden of enjoyment. I was actually feeling that burden, because every weekend there would be a very strong competition for who would enjoy the most. Leading up to the weekend, the students—and perhaps the faculty too—were making plans how to enjoy. These plans included going to restaurants, going to movies, going to shows, going to parties, going to clubs—so many plans. I didn’t really like any of those activities, and it was a burden for me to have to enjoy like the others. And then the students would ask each other, “What did you do? Where did you go?” “Oh, I went a party. We all got high and . . .” “Oh, I went out on a date and . . .”

The statement that when you become a devotee you become relieved of the burden of enjoying resonated with me. It was artificial for me to try to enjoy like that. It was artificial because as souls our real pleasure comes in relationship with the Supreme Soul. True love exists only in relation to Krsna. The Bhakti-rasamrta-sindhu defines pure love (prema) as the focusing of all one’s loving propensities and feelings on Visnu, or Krsna.

“When one develops an unflinching sense of ownership or possessiveness in relation to Lord Visnu, or, in other words, when one thinks Visnu and no one else to be the only object of love, such an awakening is called bhakti [devotion] by exalted persons like Bhisma, Prahlada, Uddhava, and Narada.” (Brs 1.4.2, Cc Madhya 23.8)

“O Lord of Madhu, as the Ganges forever flows to the sea without hindrance, let my attraction be constantly drawn unto You without being diverted to anyone else.” (SB 1.8.41)

As we become serious in Krsna consciousness, this really becomes our prayer: “Let my love flow to Krsna without any hindrance, just as the Ganges flows to the ocean.”

These statements—“Please sever my attachments for my family members. Let my love flow exclusively unto You without being diverted to anyone else”—raise some questions: What about other relationships? What happens to my relationships with my friends and family?

In his purport, Srila Prabhupada makes a very interesting point. He says that Kunti’s family members were devotees of Krsna. Her paternal family members, the Vrsnis, were devotees, and her sons, the Pandavas, were devotees. And affection for devotees is not outside the pale of Krsna consciousness, of pure devotional service. So when Kunti prays, “Please sever my ties of affection for my kinsmen,” she means that she wants the affection based on the body to be cut.

“Her affection for the Pandavas and the Vrsnis is not out of the range of devotional service because the service of the Lord and the service of the devotees are identical. Sometimes service to the devotee is more valuable than service to the Lord. But here the affection of Kuntidevi for the Pandavas and the Vrsnis was due to family relation. This tie of affection in terms of material relation is the relation of maya because the relations of the body or the mind are due to the influence of the external energy. Relations of the soul, established in relation with the Supreme Soul, are factual relations. When Kuntidevi wanted to cut off the family relation, she meant to cut off the relation of the skin. The skin relation is the cause of material bondage, but the relation of the soul is the cause of freedom. This relation of the soul to the soul can be established by the via media of the relation with the Supersoul.” (SB 1.8.41 purport)

There are two categories of affection—one based on the body and one based on the soul, soul-to-soul, through the medium of the Supersoul, the Supreme Soul. When Kunti prays, “Please sever my ties of affection for my kinsmen,” she means the affection that is based on the body—so that only the affection based on the soul remains. Affection based on the body leads to bondage and death, whereas affection based on the soul leads to liberation and eternal life.

So, we don’t have to give up our family relationships, but we want to purify them. We want the material aspect, which is based on the body, to be become less and less prominent and the spiritual aspect, which is based on the soul, through the medium of the Supreme Soul, to become more and more prominent. And the more the spiritual dimension of our relationships become prominent, the more they become congenial to our happiness and ultimate success in life.

One authority on marriage said, “Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It’s supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married you have a structure of security and support from which you can find your own happiness.” So we are here to work on our marriages. We are not in any illusion that marriage per se will bring us happiness, but we want to work on our marriages so that we can function well as parts of a unit, the family unit, and within the relative peace and mutual support in that unit find our own inner happiness, which is the only real happiness there is.

The marital relationship also provides the basis for the couple’s children to develop Krsna consciousness and be happy. Some time later, Srila Prabhupada wrote to Balai, “In materialistic marriages generally there are too many troubles and frustrations because the basic principle for both the husband and wife is their own personal sense gratification. Therefore there is inevitable conflict and divorce petition. But in a Krsna conscious marriage the basic principle is for both husband and wife to serve Krsna nicely and to help the partner advance in spiritual life. In this way both the husband and wife are true benefactors for one another and there is no question of any serious conflicts or separation. So I am sure that to have such nice parents who are devotees of Lord Krsna, your child Nandini is very, very fortunate. In the Bhagavad-gita Krsna instructs us that for one to be born in the family of devotees means that such person was the most pious of all living entities. So raise Nandini very carefully in Krsna consciousness, and surely Krsna will bestow all blessings upon you and your family.”

So I am happy for all of you who have come to the Couple’s Weekend. Here we have older couples and newer couples. We often hear at japa retreats, “I wish I had heard these things thirty years ago,” but better late than never. Some of the older couples here may leave thinking, “I wish I had heard these things thirty years ago,” but better late than never. And some of the younger ones may think, “I am so glad I attended this workshop so early in my marriage, for I am being guided from the very beginning about what possibilities to expect and how to deal with them.” But the soul is eternal, and Krsna consciousness is eternal, and our relationships based on Krsna consciousness are also eternal. So even if in a relative, material sense we are starting late, it is never too late, and in relation to eternal time we are just developing the proper mood of loving service that will continue into eternity.

These material bodies are just dresses for the soul. Our identities based on the body and mind are temporary and illusory. Our real identities are as loving servants of Krsna and His devotees, and whatever we are doing here in the material world is practice for our eternal life in the spiritual world, where we will serve Krsna and His devotees in ecstatic love. As Srila Prabhupada said, if a high school student is doing college-level work, he can be promoted to college. So if we are in the material world but are engaged in the activities of the spiritual world, we can be promoted to the spiritual world. The basic activity of the spiritual world, which includes chanting the holy names and glories of Sri Krsna, is to render loving service to Krsna and the other servants of Krsna. And the grhastha asrama is a suitable situation for practicing loving service, which can qualify us for eternal loving service in the spiritual world.

“As I look at the lifeless body in the casket, I think of her good fortune for having unknowingly served Lord Krishna in the last months of her life.”

AS I ENTER THE CHURCH, I survey the large crowd while looking for a vacant seat towards the back. Just as I spy an inconspicuous seat, Mrs. Williams sees me from the front of the church. I wave to her as I try to jostle my way to the seat I have found. But she emphatically motions for me to come to the front.

Mrs. Williams, a strong matriarchal figure, is not a person to easily challenge. I obediently approach her and give her a hug, hoping she will allow me to return to the back pews. Instead she makes room in the front row for me to sit next to her grandson Thomas. She looks up at me.

I sit and quietly squirm a little. It’s not just that I have white skin in the midst of a mostly black-skinned congregation. And who will know that I am a Jewish-born Vaishnava, a Hare Krishna practitioner sitting down for a Baptist service? The problem is that I knew the deceased only in my capacity as a psychotherapist for a large urban health clinic. Do I really belong with her immediate family in the front pew?

Now as people file by to offer their condolences, I am included as part of the family. I feel uncomfortable as people shake my hand and offer words of sympathy. The awkward moment ends as the organ begins to resonate throughout the church and people take their seats.

Just a few feet away in the open casket is the body of Thomas’s mother, Regina Scott. Her motionless body lies on silken pillows, dressed in white lace. Stuffed animals nestle close to her body, creating an illusion of serenity and everlasting peace.

Regina’s Life

I had met Regina on a few occasions when she came to family therapy. She had recently been released from prison and had come to live with Thomas and his grandmother. Thomas hardly knew his mother, since she had been in jail for a good portion of his life. During her short interludes of freedom over the years, she would go back to using heroin. To support her habit, she would turn to drug-selling and prostitution, which led to repeated arrests and incarcerations. Either from dirty needles or prostitution, Regina had contracted the HIV virus several years ago. For the past two years, she had suffered from a series of AIDS-related illnesses and had resigned herself to dying.

Regina left behind three children. Leon, her oldest, is an angry fifteen-year-old who already has several charges for drug sales and car theft. He sits incognito in a pew several rows back.

Thomas, her second child, a small, sensitive twelve-year-old, suffers from anxiety and depression. He had been referred for mental health therapy two years ago after placing a rope around his neck and saying he wanted to die. I had become Thomas’s therapist then and had worked closely with the family ever since.

Troy, the youngest child, was born HIV positive two years ago, while Regina was still in jail. He has already surpassed the doctor’s predictions for his life span. Today he is dressed in a little tuxedo and flops about in his baby chair, having no muscle control left in his body. He is a lovable, good-natured child and almost seems to have transcended his suffering.

I hold Thomas’s warm and moist hand. Tears roll incessantly down his cheeks, forming little rivulets and puddles on his black dress pants. I pass some tissues to him, but they remain immobile in his hand. He stares off in a hypnotic state, his body frozen in time.

Several ministers ascend to the pulpit, dressed in long, flowing black gowns. This is my first time at a Baptist funeral service, and I’m eager to hear their message.

Only One Life?

In a deep commanding voice, the first reverend asks everyone who accepts Jesus to stand. I have no problem sincerely standing up. Through the teachings of Vaishnava philosophy, I accept Jesus as a pure devotee of God who descended to teach love of God to the fallen. Many times I have heard or read of my guru, Shrila Prabhupada, glorifying Jesus Christ. Sometimes, though, he found fault in the way Jesus’s followers misconstrued his teachings.

The reverend expounds on many truths consistent with my Vaishnava philosophy. The soul and the body are different. Life is a journey meant for loving God and helping others do the same. Most of what I hear could well have been spoken in a Bhagavad-gita class in a Vaishnava temple.

Our agreement on scripture diverges when the reverend states that this one life determines our eternal existence in either heaven or hell. This is one of the tenets of modern Christianity that never sat well with me. If indeed this is our only chance, why does God allow so much inequity at birth? Why is one child born to a loving, nurturing, comfortable home while another child’s home is an abusive, impoverished hell? Why would one have the opportunity to learn about God from childhood and another have no religious training? And if the child is sinless, as the Christians believe, then would it not be in the child’s best interest to be killed at birth so he could go straight to heaven?

Why would God give us only one chance and eternally damn us? As a parent I watch my own child make mistake after mistake, yet I continue to stand by him and encourage him. God is infinitely more loving. Surely He would continue to help us beyond this one brief lifetime.

I soon sense that the good reverend is struggling with how to present the concept of one lifetime, heaven or hell, in this particular situation. He wants to comfort the family and loved ones. That usually comes from hearing that the dear departed has gone to heaven. Plainly, Regina’s life up until the end was less than saintly. To say she had accepted Christ and purified her heart would have been quite a stretch.

Surely the reverend wonders what kind of a message he would impart by blessing Regina as heaven-bound. The young people in attendance would simply take this as an endorsement that you can sin all you want, then just accept Jesus in the end.

So if Regina didn’t make it to heaven, that means, according to the modern Christian doctrine taught in this church, that she has now descended into an abysmal hell to suffer eternally. Not a very comforting thought for Thomas, whose tears continue to stream down his cheeks.

How much I wish I could share with Thomas the teachings of the Bhagavad-gita. While his mother most likely didn’t go to heaven, she is not eternally damned. She will take a new body and make progress toward her original home in the spiritual world. How do I know?

The Lord’s Mercy

During one of our family sessions, she accepted some prasadam, food offered to the Lord in love and devotion. As I watched Regina bite into the soft oatmeal raisin cookie, I reflected on how fortunate she was. Food accepted by the Lord becomes spiritualized and has the power to transform the heart of the person eating it. The Vedic literature explains that a person who eats prasadam will receive Krishna’s mercy and have a greater chance of taking a human birth in the next life. This is significant, since there are millions of types of lesser bodies available, many of them more suitable for humans habituated to animalistic life. One who fails to use the human form of life for self realization risks gliding down into lower species of life and temporarily losing the chance to make spiritual advancement. But simply by taking a little prasadam, Regina may well again have the opportunity to start as a human being in her next life. She can continue the spiritual journey she had unknowingly begun.

I wish I could console Thomas with these Vedic truths. But in my role as his therapist, I have to be careful not to transgress his belief system. I can only use the tenets of what he believes to help him get through this difficult time. I can say that his mother is different from the body she left behind, that she is a soul and the soul is eternal. Beyond that I risk doing what would be professionally deemed proselytizing.

In my earlier years, when I distributed Bhagavad-gitas to the public, I would preach the Absolute Truth boldly and challenge many lame ideas. These days, while I still have opportunities to share Krishna consciousness directly, I often must use a more subtle approach. At my job, I always have prasadam cookies. On my office wall my clients see a large colorful picture of smiling Lord Jagannatha. People benefit from seeing Krishna’s form, taking prasadam, and hearing Krishna’s holy names, even if they don’t know the significance of such activities. In Sanskrit this is called ajnata-sukrti, unknowing devotional service to the Lord. It is a powerful way to engage people in the Lord’s service who might otherwise resist or be inimical.

Regina had seen Lord Jagannatha and commented on liking the picture as she accepted prasadam. As I look at her lifeless body in the casket, I think of her good fortune for having unknowingly done these small services in the last months of her life. I remember the story of Ajamila, a priest who became obsessed with a prostitute and abandoned all spirituality. As he lay dying, a spent old man, Ajamila called for his small son whose name was Narayana, a name for the Supreme Lord. Although Ajamila was calling his son, the Lord accepted that call as service. He nullified Ajamila’s sins and purified his heart. As a result Ajamila soon returned to the spiritual kingdom.

Thinking in this way, I squeeze Thomas’s hand. He looks at me for the first time that evening. With full conviction I tell Thomas, “Your Mom is going to be fine. The Lord is with her, and He’ll always be with her.” His eyes brighten as if he believes in the words, and he acknowledges them with a slight nod of his head.

At the end of the service Thomas hugs me and says, “Thanks for being the life of the funeral.”

His words seem out of character for him, for they cleverly suggest a profound truth: in reality there is no death for the soul. Perhaps the Lord in his heart was able to communicate these thoughts to Thomas.

Thomas continues to come to therapy and address his feelings of loss and grief. And he continues to eat prasadam cookies and see the smiling face of Lord Jagannatha on my wall.

Arcana-siddhi Devi Dasi was initiated by Shrila Prabhupada in 1976. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Work (LSCW). Presently living in Sandy Ridge, NC with her husband and son, she works in private practice.

I believe that family life, the grihastha asrama, is a theme of universal interest. Some will get married and some will not, some will have children and some will not. But even those who don’t get married and those who have already surpassed this phase of life will greatly benefit by knowing the basic dynamics, the rapport of weights and measures, and the values of family life in the Vedic-Vaishnava civilization.

In the past so much damage has been done by people who tried, disastrously, to handle the life of others without positive experience or training in the dynamics of marriage relationships. Therefore those directly involved in family life—as well as those who have to come in touch with those directly involved—should know about the fundamental principles and values on which family relations are based. To know such fundamentals of the grihastha asrama is an integral part of spiritual realization, not because it’s in itself something spiritual, but because it’s a social organization favorable to spiritual realization.

Even those who renounce family life for a more elevated aim will always be in touch with those in family life. Directly or indirectly everyone is interested in family life, either because one is married, or because one plans to form a family, or because one has brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, or parents in family life. In this way this asrama is fundamental and is not completely avoidable even for those who desire to live as brahmacaris—a very noble commitment and intention.

From Krishna’s point of view there is no difference whatsoever between brahmacari asrama, grihastha asrama, vanaprastha asrama and sannyasa asrama. These are four positions or stages of life in which one places oneself for self-realization. The goal of life is not to become sannyasi or brahmacari, or to become grihastha or vanaprastha. The goal of life is self-realization.

However, it is necessary to spend time speaking of the grihastha asrama because in this stage of life many people complicate their problems and their relationships. Many people have therefore proposed alternative arrangements to married life but they all have been appalling disasters. Family life is certainly the most complex stage in terms of interface with the world. One has to deal with economy and with a whole series of connections and relationships—sometimes extremely difficult—such as children, parents, brothers and sisters.

Delivering One’s Dependents
A parent’s ultimate responsibility

Question: In the Fifth Canto of Shrimad-Bhagavatam Rishabhadeva states: “One who cannot deliver his dependents from the path of repeated birth and death should never become a spiritual master, a father, a husband, a mother or a worshipable demigod.” [SB 5.5.18] Could you comment?

We can’t force anyone to go to the spiritual world but we can honestly take the responsibility of doing whatever is possible to help a person to untie his or her karmic bonds. It happened that I had to advice people in debt. Their real problem is not the debt with the bank or with somebody else; their problem is their behavior and their mentality, structurally wrong. If someone in a moment of generosity would pay back their debts, they would continue to incur in debt anyway, because insolvency is ingrained in their character. They do things in the wrong way and produce debts. This is similar with karmic debts; it comes from the same source: errors inside, a deformed mind.

This statement by Rishabhadeva means that we should do our best to rectify people’s mind. Diseases, for instance, are other types of debts but the dynamics are the same. There is no such thing as good and bad luck; what exists is the way of doing things, the mood, the quality of the mind and of the intellect. We have to analyze the vasanas or the latent desires. When the latent desires are negative, the negative eventually comes out. Someone may accumulate money and not make economic debts, but the same person may make debts in his relationships. A person might create enemies left and right, and those are extremely heavy debts. Other people are very capable in the field of relationships but whatever they do and touch ends in disaster. These are also debts. Therefore the sastras teach that we should control the senses, for life becomes risky when even a single sense breaks free.

Have you seen the dependence of the smoker, who surreptitiously gets away to go and have a cigarette? Have you seen the character-deformation of an alcoholic, or of a cocaine-addict, or of a gambler? They live in great suffering and with great internal conflict. The gambler knows that he is destroying his life and the life of those around him. Well-equipped casinos in the past had a room with a notary ready to write the will of a complete loser and provide him a place to commit suicide. Gamblers know that gambling is bad; they cry and bang their head into the wall; they know that by playing they ruin themselves and their families, but it overwhelms them.

Similar dynamics are there for the women- or men-hunters, the assaulters of others’ purity. Therefore we should educate people to control their senses from childhood. This is what Rishabhadeva is saying. And one must have self-control himself, otherwise how can he educate others? How someone who smokes can tell another to stop?

So Rishabhadeva says that one who assumes the responsibility for others should be able to guarantee them liberation—guarantee it from his side—but they are not wood-heads, they are not automatons; they can choose. Everyone has to endeavor, but the leader should educate others to be free from the conditioning of the six degrading impulses: the urge to speak, the mind’s demands, the actions of anger and the urges of the tongue, belly and genitals. In this sense the husband, the father, the mother should be gurus, even if they don’t know the sacred science in depth.

From a lecture by Matsyavatara Prabhu. Translated from the Italian by Kaunteya Das

My husband and I take a seat on the shiny varnished bleachers in the large arena used for basketball games. The well-dressed crowd sits in anticipation as their sons and daughters, filing through the rear entrance in dark blue caps and gowns, prepare to graduate from high school.

I’m flooded with emotions and memories of the past seventeen years as a mother to my only child. Mental snapshots of his childhood appear: A plump colicky infant crying inconsolably in his wind-up swing. A mischievous toddler sneaking out of the room during nap time. A saintly looking four-year-old in saffron robes and shaved head, happily dancing in the temple to the rhythm of drums and cymbals. A child with a sleep disorder roaming our apartment at night, and me up watching him to make sure he is safe. A gurukula (Vedic school) student standing with folded hands, reciting memorized verses from the ancient Vedic scriptures. A sensitive child lovingly holding a baby goat at the county fair. A frightened child coming to sleep with me at night. A sad child starting high school in public school after being in the gurukula since age five, sitting alone in the cafeteria, with no friends and too shy to talk to anyone. This mental picture increases the tears as I remember feeling his pain and so much wanting to protect him from the hardships of growing up in the material world.

Then there was the night he passed out in the field near our house. His concerned friends called us. When my husband and I arrived, he was conscious and lucid. He said he had fasted all day and had gotten sick on bad pizza. I wanted to believe him, but knew he was making it up. The next day he admitted to trying alcohol.

Challenges of Parenthood

Raising Krishna conscious children in our Western culture is a difficult assignment. It is said that it takes a village to raise a child. Unfortunately, most devotees don’t live in insulated Krishna conscious communities, and the influences of the dominant culture insidiously seep into our ashrams, temples, and communities.

While Hare Krishna parents of my generation chose to be devotees after many years in materialistic life, our children, though raised in a spiritual atmosphere, often haven’t made that internal commitment. They seem able to follow the path of Krishna consciousness in childhood, but as the influences of adolescence take hold, many turn away from the most basic practices.

Any parents who diligently raise a child in a Krishna conscious atmosphere, only to have their teenager reject, ignore, or devalue the teachings and practices, know the deep pain of perceived failure. We feel we’ve failed because we’re aware of the warning in the Vedic scriptures that we shouldn’t become a teacher, a guru, or a parent unless we can deliver our dependents from birth, death, disease, and old age, the main miseries of life in the material world. Still, if we’ve tried our best we can take heart from other teachings or examples in the scriptures.

For instance, we find examples of atheistic parents whose child is a devotee of Krishna, and we find examples of Krishna conscious parents raising a child who becomes an atheist. Even Shrila Prabhupada’s own children apparently didn’t take up Krishna consciousness wholeheartedly. The scriptures also teach us that if we become qualified devotees of the lord, as is Shrila Prabhupada, then our family members are automatically delivered from material existence despite their own disqualification.

The Story of Citraketu

While it is the role of the parents to assist the child in making spiritual progress, children also inadvertently assist in their parents’ progress as well. One of the most dramatic examples of this is the story of King Citraketu, recounted in Shrimad-Bhagavatam. King Citraketu was a respected king with great riches and power, but no children. His many wives were all barren.

Seeing the king’s distress, Angira, a great sage, visited the king and blessed him to have a son. Angira told the king that the child’s name would be Harsha-shoka, or “Happiness-Distress.” The king assumed that the child would just be mischievous and naughty at times, as were all children, and so dismissed the omen of the child’s name.

Soon one of the king’s wives gave birth to a beautiful boy. The king, infatuated with the child and the child’s mother, neglected his other wives, who became distraught. Envy clouded their intelligence, and they plotted to poison the child. Seeing his dead son, the king lamented piteously.

Had the story ended here, the king most likely would have been consumed by his loss. But Angira Muni, accompanied by the transcendental sage Narada, appeared before the king. By his mystic power, Narada Muni summoned the spirit soul who had left the child’s body. Obeying the order, the soul re-entered the child’s dead body. Because of the presence of the soul, the body again became animated, and Narada asked the child to speak to his parents, the king and queen.

“According to the results of my fruitive activities,” the child said, “I, the living being, transmigrate from one body to another, sometimes going to the species of the demigods, sometimes to the species of lower animals, sometimes among the vegetables, and sometimes to the human species. Therefore, in which birth were these my mother and father? No one is actually my mother and father. How can I accept these two people as my parents?”

As the child spoke transcendental knowledge, the king realized the error of his perception. He had been thinking, “This child is mine, born to give me pleasure.” But now the king could see differently. The spirit soul he was thinking to be his son was occupying that body only temporarily. The king, now free of material illusion and attachment, could direct his affections toward the Lord, and he gained the highest happiness.

For many of us, our children’s adolescent antics serve to teach us lessons similar to those learned by King Citraketu. It is helpful to think of our children as “gurus” and be open to the many lessons they teach us, especially about attachment and detachment. In the Eleventh Canto of the Shrimad-Bhagavatam, a saintly renounced monk shows how to extract spiritual lessons from all our encounters in the material world. He describes twenty-five “gurus” who have assisted him on his spiritual journey, including a pigeon and a prostitute.

From the pigeon the saintly person learned about the suffering of material attachment. He observed a male pigeon’s interactions with his family members. When the pigeon’s mate and offspring were caught in a hunter’s net, the pigeon became so disconsolate and disoriented that he too fell into the net.

The saintly person learned another lesson about detachment by watching a prostitute eagerly awaiting a suitor in the early evening. With each passerby she would become hopeful of getting a customer, but as the night wore on, she felt more and more discouraged. Finally, the prostitute became detached. She no longer desired degraded encounters as a way to make money. She was filled with peace, and her natural inclination to love the Lord awoke.

Emulating the example of the saintly person, we too should search for the spiritual lessons ever present in our daily lives. Our children offer us many situations in which to practice loving detachment. Adolescence is particularly rich with these opportunities.

A couple of years ago, I had the chance to speak with some Hare Krishna children who were now young adults. They kindly told me of their struggles navigating adolescence and assured me that my son would not be lost. The advice they gave me, and any parent raising teens, was to be your child’s friend and as much as possible give unconditional love and acceptance. I took their advice to heart, and I added two ingredients to their formula: set limits befitting the child’s age, and pray.

I take a deep breath and, coming back from my thoughts, wipe my eyes and focus the camera as I hear my son’s name called. He steps up to accept his diploma and certificate of merit. Another snap shot to add to my memories of raising my son. I’ll continue to pray for his spiritual awakening, so he can one day graduate from the material world and return to his eternal home.

Archana-siddhi Devi Dasi was initiated by Shrila Prabhupada in 1976. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Work (LSCW). Presently living in Sandy Ridge, NC with her husband and son, she works in private practice.

“Later I’ll be able to understand that Sam is Krishna’s instrument to test my spiritual ideals, but now Sam is really upsetting me.”

As I drive the forklift to pick up more freight to load onto the truck, my coworker Sam watches me with a disdain obvious from his body language—scowling, arms folded, rigid like a statue.

His demeanor confirmed my inkling of the mood he might be in today when I smelled alcohol on his breath and heard his out-of-character kidding around. From experience, my other co-workers and I looked knowingly at each other, sensing he might be even more difficult than usual to work with.

On a “good day”when everything goes the way he thinks it should—he’s tolerable. Unfortunately for him, and potentially for me, this day is not going well. According to him, Friday is supposed to be an easy day, but this one isn’t—and it’s my fault. Since I’m doing my job right and getting the oldest freight first, we have a huge shipment with many small packages and odd-shaped pieces. This makes loading the truck difficult and time-consuming.

Though today he is obviously more unhappy and angry than usual, he says nothing about his feelings. This creates a tension between us that feels like a thick fog. His current behavior shows why no one wants to work with him.

Later I’ll be able to understand that Sam is Krishna’s instrument to test my spiritual ideals, but now Sam is really upsetting me. Anger wells up inside me. Provoked by his negativity and unspoken criticism, I make the mistake of confronting his lousy attitude. I say something about his poor work ethic, and he bristles defensively, his face flushing.

Telling me how hard he has worked in his life, for so many more years than I, he asks me, “Who do you think you are?” peppered with some unprintable curse words.

Fortunately, before I can answer he says that he doesn’t want to argue and walks away in a huff. That saves the situation from getting ugly.

The Positive and Negative Effects of Anger

According to Bhagavad-gita, anger is one of the three gates leading to hell. If it’s not resolved or purified, one’s knowledge becomes clouded. This may cause one to act impulsively, violently, and without intelligence.

Our heated exchange leaves me shaken, and I retreat into the office. I sit quietly and breathe deeply. I pray that Krishna helps me let go of anger and come to a more mode-of-goodness, peaceful state, so I can gain insight. Why did I become so angry, and what does my reaction tell me about myself? In any conflict where I lose my composure, I have to understand that the issue is really about me and not the other person. I can’t do much to change someone else, but I can change myself and how I respond.

After some time, by the Lord’s mercy I feel some clarity and calmness by intensely and prayerfully chanting Hare Krishna. I think about the energy of anger. Anger isn’t always bad. It has its rare application in devotional service, as when for the Lord’s purpose the devotee/warriors Arjuna or Hanuman used their righteous anger against aggressors. Anger can sometimes motivate us to take necessary action we might not otherwise take.

The important things to consider when questioning the appropriateness of our anger are what provoked it and the result of its application. Arjuna became angry against unrighteous persons acting against the Lord’s desire, and the result of his anger was to reestablish dharma. My anger arose from my material consciousness and caused me to further forget Krishna, and thus myself. But the outcome was positive: I became introspective and realized that I had instigated our heated exchange by my defensiveness and lack of self-control.

The Most Effective Psychology

Although I know the value of techniques of psychology and anger management to lessen negative reactions to conflict, they must be combined with self-realization (working to understand our soul beyond the body) to be most effective. Praying, reading scripture, and chanting the holy names are recommended to help purify our material tendencies and awaken our true spiritual nature. We should also find, serve, and hear from a competent guide or guru we can trust, one who exemplifies the teachings of the scriptures and can give us relevant spiritual perspectives. Hearing from the guru about our conditioned state in the modes of material nature and about the process of Krishna consciousness can help us meet the challenges in life. By assimilating such instructions, we can learn to think and act differently. Then we can gradually be more caring and empathetic, gain understanding, and thus be less reactive.

The more we identify with the demands of the body and the material ego, the more we risk friction in our dealings with others. In our eternal identity, we understand the oneness and equality of all souls in relationship to Krishna. We naturally desire everyone’s welfare, seeing their suffering and happiness as our own. Being a devotee means to practice working in this spirit even in our materially conditioned state.

How can we work for the betterment of others? The ideal way is to share spiritual insight according to each person’s receptivity. Giving kindness and respect is always important and can be practiced in any circumstance, if not externally then at least internally.

Although we may know we should do this, we may not want to when we feel offended, angered, or abused by someone. Even though sometimes we can’t condone someone’s behavior, we can pray that our heart may become favorably disposed toward that person and that we may understand his or her perspective. On our own this may seem impossible, yet we can rest assured that with Krishna’s help all obstacles can be removed and anything is possible. When we make the endeavor to sincerely serve Him, the Lord carries what we lack and preserves what we have (Bhagavad-gita 9.22).

Reflecting on Sam’s personality and beliefs, I know our problem working together comes not only from his unhappy, critical, and negative personality, but also from his being openly critical of religion (and of life and almost anyone at times). He says that he is mad at God for killing his brother, who was murdered. Since I’m a religious person, he directs his anger toward me, mocking my chanting and speaking ill of my taking time to pray. He doesn’t do these things to my face but to others, from whom I hear about them. This fact added to my negative reaction to him.

Beyond the Blame Game

His tendency, which we all have at times, is to blame life and others for his problems and suffering. Thinking of his nature, and my apparent suffering from our interaction, I remember the many discussions in the Bhagavatam that describe the real cause of our suffering. The narrations in the scripture are meant to stimulate deep thought and convince us of our real spiritual identity beyond the body. The soul is unaffected by material conditions and suffering. Taking shelter of Krishna and His pure devotees brings us real peace and happiness and eventually restores us to our eternal blissful nature.

In light of today’s events, “The Song of the Avanti Brahmana,” spoken by Sri Krishna to Uddhava, seems particularly poignant. Krishna spoke this section of the Bhagavatam in response to Uddhava’s question as to how it is possible to be unaffected by provocation from others’ criticism, harsh speech, or activities that harm one’s body or means of livelihood.

Long ago, a brahmana became wealthy from agriculture and commerce but hoarded his money for no one’s benefit. His miserly actions and mentality offended both his family and the demigods, the agents of the Lord. As a result he gradually lost everything and was rejected by his family.

The Blessings of Life’s Reverses

Feeling great pain and lamentation at his misfortune, the brahmana reflected on his life. By his previous piety he could see the turn of events in his life in a spiritual way, and a powerful feeling of renunciation awoke within him. In this state he could understand that no external agent causes one suffering, but only one’s materially conditioned mind.

The brahmana’s realizations transferred into his practical life, and he gave up all material pursuits and dedicated his life to the service of God. He prayed with determination, “I shall cross over the insurmountable ocean of nescience by being firmly fixed in the service of the lotus feet of Krishna.” He no longer blamed anyone for what he had experienced in life.

Although our material difficulties and good fortune are the result of our impious and pious acts, ultimately God is in control. So this devotee brahmana now saw God in every situation, and in all his dealings with others.
Such a vision helped him remember and depend on Krishna and thus advance spiritually. When we are on the path of surrender to God, Krishna takes an active part in our life.

Being Krishna conscious, the brahmana could tolerate others’ insults and harsh behavior, seeing these as external to his soul. The fortunate brahmana realized that the purpose of life was self-realization and that the material world only seems to have problems because of our attachments to selfish enjoyments and material outcomes.

Practical Application of The Scriptures

For scriptural stories to have their intended effect, we must do more than just read them a few times. We must also think deeply about their meaning, discuss then with other devotees, and apply them in our lives. To receive the most benefit, our hearts must be purified by dedicating our life to the service of Krishna and remembering Him in all circumstances. Without purification of the heart, spiritual understanding will escape us, and we will feel victimized by life.

Trying to apply such instructions, I reflect on my own nature. Though in general I’m calm, tolerant, and even-tempered, today’s events showed me that I’m far from being totally free from material vision. On the positive side, years of spiritual practice have made a huge difference in enabling me to better relate to even difficult people. I try to act on the knowledge that regardless of who a person appears to be on the outside, everyone is a pure soul within, part of Krishna, and therefore worthy of respect and kindness.

The old adage “practice makes perfect” is so true. But because practice means to often fall short, patience is required. To be successful in any undertaking, we must keep trying with determination in the face of setbacks and depend on Krishna to help us.

With the right attitude, every person can be our teacher, showing us how or how not to act, and every situation or relationship is an opportunity to practice spiritual ideals. Spiritual life is meant to be practiced “24/7″not only in our place of worship.

We can observe our tendencies when we deal with others. Do we criticize or condemn, or do we appreciate and look for the good? Are we able to respond by choice, or do we automatically react harshly to behavior or words that upset us?

If we’re always alone or have no dealings with others, we’ll be unable to answer these questions. We could very well be deluded about our level of spiritual advancement if we live only in our mental understanding of ideal character. But in the association of others, our character is revealed.

The Importance of Bad Association

Though the scriptures extol the virtue and importance of sadhu sanga, or saintly association, it is in the company of people who exhibit less than ideal behavior—who “push our emotional buttons”that we are tested to apply the instructions of saints and the scriptures. Such people can be some of our best teachers.

For me, Sam is in that category. He unknowingly gave me valuable feedback on how I needed to change. I was unable to give him spiritual instructions or resolve our differences, yet our dealings improved because my attitude toward him softened with more compassion and love through understanding. I have been able to be less reactive in the possible areas of friction between us.

A common tendency is to assign the blame for a conflict to the other side. When someone upsets us or disagrees with us, it’s easy to call that person names. But such a superficial ego-based vision will not solve the problem, reduce our suffering, help our spiritual advancement, or benefit the object of our unkind label. Although experiencing difficulty with a person may be labeled as only as a testimony of the miseries of material existence, the greater lesson is to understand how our angle of vision has created our perception of misery. If we fail to see this, we have missed a real opportunity for spiritual growth.

How we view people is really a choice, and it doesn’t have to be dictated by whether we like them or not. This realization comes by applying a spiritual outlook in our dealings with others and seeing how this lessens our suffering in adversity. For a practitioner of bhakti-yoga the universe is friendly, because behind every situation or person is the loving hand of God (Krishna), working to help us spiritually advance. By accepting and developing this perspective, our whole life will change.

From the spiritual view we are in each other’s lives to help each other. There are no accidents or chance meetings. God’s universe is purposeful, and nothing is wasted. Every encounter with another person presents an opportunity to apply spiritual principles and reveals, to those willing to learn, the aspects of our character that need to be reformed.

When we are illuminated from our spiritual practice, we can separate ourselves from our conditioned reaction or only external vision. Then we can find value in people who especially irk us, whether they are friends, family, or strangers, and can sincerely say, “Thanks for being such a pain.”

The title of this article was taken from a great book called, “Thank You For Being Such A Pain [Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People] by Mark I. Rosen published by Three Rivers Press ( New York 1998). It is a fabulous and useful book for you rare souls who have to deal with difficult people.

An important topic for those on the spiritual path is criticism. Why? Because the mentality of fault finding or unnecessary criticizing others–especially those on the spiritual path is considered very injurious to one’s spiritual advancement. The first offense to the Holy Name is Vaishnava aparadha or offending devotees, and one way to do that is to criticize those who have dedicated their lives to spiritual practice, and those who are working to help others make spiritual advancement through chanting the holy name of the Lord. Although it is emphasized to avoid offending or unnecessarily criticizing, i.e. not constructively seeing or looking with malice, at advanced devotees, even offending people in general can harm one’s spiritual life. The basic principle for chanting Hare Krishna is given by Lord Shri Chaitanya in his 3rd Shishastakam prayer, which says that one can chant the holy name of the Lord constantly when one is tolerant like the tree, humble like the grass, respectful to all, and not desiring any praise or appreciation for one self. If this sounds like a tall order, it is. First one needs to mentally understand one’s insignificance in the face of the Lord’s greatness, and when one realizes this then the state of mind spoken of by Shri Chaitanya will naturally manifest. At least we have to have this as our ideal and pray to attain what is our normal spiritual condition.

This doesn’t mean we have to agree with what we hear, but that we listen with a mood to understand and validate. We listen with both intellect (for the content) and with heart (for the feelings). This receptive attitude builds a loving and trusting relationship.

Respect should also be the guiding principle when we speak. This means expressing our thoughts and feelings without blame, criticism or sarcasm.

Teamwork

A marital team—your spouse and you functioning as a unit to achieve your goals—is most successful when each player knows his or her individual responsibilities.

Early in the relationship, expectations should be discussed and agreed upon. Ambiguous or unspoken expectations can lead to the disappointments and resentments that erode the positive esteem between your spouse and you.

Appreciation

People feel valued when they are appreciated for who they are and what they do. When this need is not fulfilled in a marriage, your partner or you may seek it in an extramarital affair.

It is easy to take our spouse for granted and to forget how that person is special. An antidote for this complacency is, every so often, to make a list of the things you appreciate about your spouse.

Choose one or two things from your list to share with your spouse. Be creative: leave a surprise phone message, a special e-mail or a note in your spouse’s lunch bag!

Faithfulness

An extra-marital affair can devastate a marriage. Nothing compares to the pain and breach of trust of infidelity. Such damage is often irreparable, even if the couple remains together.

If your marriage is strong, there is less chance that infidelity will be an issue, but it is still important to prevent situations that could make you vulnerable to an affair. Avoid confiding intimately or spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex.

Financial stability

Couples often get themselves into financial trouble by buying now and then struggling to pay later. Such difficulties stress a marriage and are a contributing factor to divorce.

Find a good book or attend a seminar that can help you learn to budget so that you live within your means. Manage your money or it may dismantle your marriage.

A spiritual economic principle is to give a percentage of our income back to God. Everything comes from the Lord, and we express our gratitude by giving to Him without expecting anything in return. And, while we may have no expectations, when we give to the Lord He returns it manifold.

Quality time

We spend time with the things that are important to us, the things we value. Making time for our relationship communicates that we are committed to and value our marriage.

Your spouse and you can make a list of activities you each like to do and then regularly do things together that you both enjoy. Have fun!

Strong Marriages Have these 6 Vital Ingredients is written by Arcana-siddhi dasi and is also available as a GVT pamphlet

Chant,

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna

Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama

Rama Rama

Hare Hare

and be happy.

]]>http://www.spiritualquest.co.in/life-2/family-life/strong-marriages-6-vital-ingredients/feed/0Strengthening The Bonds That Free Us Coursehttp://www.spiritualquest.co.in/life-2/family-life/strengthening-bonds-free/
http://www.spiritualquest.co.in/life-2/family-life/strengthening-bonds-free/#respondSun, 03 Apr 2011 14:40:18 +0000http://www.spiritualquest.co.in/?p=643Designed to be implemented over a 3 or 4 day period, this training includes in-depth exploration, interactive exercises, role plays, journaling and education in the following areas:

12 Principles and Values in alignment with Srila Prabhupada and the sastras

Roles of Husband and Wife
Gender roles and cultural Norms
Understanding Differences and Expectations
Role Definition and Character

Children and Parenting
Notions of Parenting
Patterns and Skills of a Healthy Family
Children’s Needs
Good Discipline: Teaching versus Punishment: Clarity,
Appropriateness and Consistency.
Making Routines and Rules
Parenting Styles
Resources for Parents
Balanced Lifestyle 1: Personal development/Spirituality
Balanced Lifestyle 2: Making a social contribution

All Grhastha Vision Team Members are professional, experienced, counselors, educators, therapists or doctors. If you are interested in arranging for this course to be given in your area, please contact: Krsnanandini Devi Dasi krsnanandinidevidasi@yahoo.com Uttama dasi 250-457-0293 uttamadd@yahoo.com