This is one bottle opener you won’t spend much time rooting around in the kitchen drawer to find. It stands out like a sore hard-on! And it’s such a fine specimen, really. We should all be so lucky to have one penis of this quality in our lives. (Because, let’s be honest, most of them are a disappointment, in one way or another.)

And, actually, screw it. If it brings granny happiness, then she should be able to spend the rest of her time on this earth doing something she loves. In fact, why not buy her a big wooden dick bottle opener of her very own?