Anonymous said...I sent Mike Sinyard an email asking WTF, and this was his reply (BS?): Here are the facts—in July 2013 we reached out to NeilPryde Bikes to figure out a solution on a bike name that was similar to one of ours, Allez, in addition to their use of the trademarks “Epic” and “Innovate or Die”. We were able to agree on a solution in December. The NeilPryde crew worked with us on this solution. This has been a closed issue since we reached that decision in December. If you would like to discuss further, I’m glad to talk anytime. Mike.April 8, 2014 at 7:53 AM*[Krabon Kaibosh™ is a registered trademark of Specialized Bicycle Components. Cease and desist immediately or we will make your life a living heck. Also, Cease™ and Desist™ are both registered trademarks of Specialized Bicycle Components. You know the Drill™ at this point.]

None of this addresses the fact that "Allez" and "Alize" are totally different words. If I were an actual journalist, or if I cared enough to do so, I might follow up with Mike Sinyard myself and ask the following question:

"Given that there are only 26 letters in the alphabet and so some of them are bound to repeat themselves eventually, which words are other bicycle companies still allowed to use?"

Any word, term, colloquialism, slang term, expression, etc. past, current, or yet to be invented that is reasonably likely to result in increased sales for a product in the bicycle marketplace, now and in perpetuity, Amen™.

Specialized Relinquishes Any And All Claims On The Following Words:

Doody

Crap

Crapcycle

Scranus Mangler

Taint-Raper

Cannondale

So the bike industry will have to make do with those six (6) attractive brand and model names, and frankly I'm surprised Specialized were so generous.

Meanwhile, the aspiring Kickstarter entrepreneur would be wise to avoid the Wrath of Sinyard™ in choosing a name for their brainfarts products, and here are three noteworthy Kickstarter campaigns in descending order of usefulness and ascending order of Batshit™ (Specialized Batshit™: 2014 Bicycling Magazine Editor's Choice for best spelunking bike) craziness. First, the this thing, whatever it's called:

They say every time a Fred crosschains his bike an inventor launches a light on Kickstarter, and here's one that you can wear:

Kind of like a cylopean bra:

Or else a very Terry Gilliam-esque hairnet.

By Kickstarter standards this is actually pretty good. I've certainly seen kookier inventions, and while there's nothing stopping you from clipping your existing light to your backpack I suppose the glowing bra straps might make a difference--though I'm withholding my investment until they make a recumbent-specific version:

Technically the light should be white, since it's facing front, but you get the idea.

Speaking of cleavage, I was checking out the inventor's brake lever cleavage, and my personal rule of thumb is that your handlebars should not be so narrow that your barrel adjusters are touching:

He'd also be a lot more visible if he were wearing a headlight bra.

Next we have the "Bike Poncho," because the poncho is the duct tape of waterproof garments:

At first I thought this was a cycling-specific poncho (like Rivendell sells), but I soon realized it's a poncho for your bike:

Firstly, your bicycle will not melt if it gets wet while sitting on your trunk rack, though I'd imagine this thing must flap like a motherfucker at highway speed. Plus, what if it falls off? If this Kickstarter gets off the ground I will live in constant fear of being blinded by an errant bike poncho on my next road trip.

Secondly, if you're so worried about it, why not put it inside your giant SUV?

(Yeah, I know, because your stupid family's inside and there's no room, whatever.)

This isn't to say the Bike Poncho is patently absurd. In fact, I could see using such a thing for my Big Dummy, which I often leave outside in foul weather, and which is a bit more vulnerable than a Dutch bike due to its exposed chain, derailleur drivetrain, and so forth. Then again, I could just use any of the millions of motorcycle covers already on the market, and I keep meaning to buy one, but I never get around to it.

Of course, you can't mount a motorcycle cover under your saddle so you can cover your bike "on the fly:"

You know, in case you decide to park your bike in the actual ocean while you frolic in it:

But mostly, the Bike Poncho is remarkable because it looks like boobs:

Bras and boobs, and still one more to go--the Kold Rush, which is by far the craziest of the lot, and which was not a hip-hop record label in the 1980s:

I knew this one was going to be good as soon as I saw the hose:

"This must be some sort of system for administering colonics to yourself on the go," I thought at first, but I was mistaken, but only by a little bit. Here's the inventor, explaining how he's been cycling for 40 years, and that he hates being hot:

Presumably in that 40 year period he has also not figured out how to adjust his helment straps.

Of course, humankind has known for well over a century that if you get hot while riding you can always pour some water on your head:

However, this guy apparently lives in mortal fear of taking his hand off the bars, and so he decided instead to invent a Rube Goldberg-esque "micturating helment." See, this right here is what it looks like when genius is happening:

For some reason, they had to test it on a dummy first:

From this, they learned to make the reservoir 34% smaller:

34% smaller than what, exactly?

They never say.

Anyway, here's the button that makes your helment go pee on you:

See? Look at that!

It's like when you pick up a turtle and it starts pissing out of fear.*

*[Disclaimer: I have never experienced that and have no idea if it actually happens.]

And here is this elegant device in motion:

Complete with schmatta so you don't blind yourself:

They also added a "streamlined insulated cover," apparently to the rider's ass:

So why exactly did they add a "streamlined insulated cover" to the rider's ass?

They never say.

All I know is that I hope to sweet merciful God Jesus Lord Sinyard that this thing becomes popular, because I can think of no greater fun than rolling up to Freds and unplugging their little plastic helment urethras:

Expect Specialized to bring one of these to market within six months, and to sue anyone who dares use the phrase "Incontinent Turtle."

Also, if a toad pisses on your hand and then you forget to wash them before you handle yourself at the urinal, your ween will turn into a vagine. A kid told me this in 6th grade, and that was before the internet, so it's probably true.

The turtle thing is absolutely true. I stopped on the road in Texas once (in my Ford pickup of course) to rescue a big turtle that was trying to cross the busy highway and he totally emptied his bladder when I picked him up...

No one is going to mention how the "proprietary helmet insert" totally looks like a big ole Sanitary Napkin just stuck inside your helmet? Which makes the whole dripping liquid on your head a lot grosser...

To everyone upset about so many kickstarter bicycle-cycling lighting appliances, I'm sorry. I cross-chain like it's going out of style, so apparently it's my fault.

Also, I happen to like my 53-26 and will continue to use it with wild abandon so expect the following: glow in the dark bib-shorts, blinky shoes with a generator built into the pedal, a stem faceplate with integrated LEDs.

Alameda County Public Health Director Muntu Davis contends that gentrification should be examined in terms of health impacts because of the displacement and stress it causes for low-income residents, the Bay Area News Group$ reports. "We're not saying that development shouldn't happen," Davis told the news organization. "We're saying that development should happen, but it should also maintain the stability of housing for the existing residents." Davis’ comments coincided with the release of a new report on gentrification that concludes that it’s displacing African-American families in Oakland and San Francisco and is worsening income inequality. The county health department collaborated on the report, which was produced by the tenants’ rights organization Just Cause/Causa Justa.

I once pulled over the car (that I own) on a 2-lane road to move a turtle across the road. As I was walking back to it, a courteous driver coming toward me moved to the middle of the road and smoked the turtle. It was all my fault.

Well it's off to the childrens tri prac. There will be mom's. Talk about some hot junk buckets full of wetness. I am the only man there that can fix a bicycle and I think it turns them on. Two weeks ago I got the THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN THAT CAN USE HIS HANDS routine.

I'm helping set up a first time riders ride at work. After reading this blog for some number of years, do you realize how hard it is to type "Helmet" and not "Helment" or "Hellmeat" or the like? Damn hard, that's how hard. Exactly damn hard.

Hmmmm... What if one was to strap a turtle to one's head? You would get your cranial protection from the creature's hard shell and if you reach up and grab it then you get the cooling effects of the Kold Rush as it's bladder is voided. Eureka! I'm going to be rich! Muawah ha ha!

Firstly, do you need to put some little eyelets in the back of your skull like the dummy has? If so, I'm not buying it. Secondly - re turtle wee. Yes they will piss on you if you pick them up and it smells really bad. If the Kold Rush smells like turtle pee that's a second good reason not to buy it or invest in the idea.

JB 3:41, that is really funny because the exact same thing happened to someone I know - except he was driving the vehicle that squashed the turtle. He tried to be courteous by giving a wide berth to a person on the side of the road and unknowingly drove straight over the turtle they had intended to rescue. The worst thing was that he was driving a National Parks and Wildlife Service vehicle when this occurred.

Wildcrap Scranus Mangler, I'd like to see the Frenchies get in a stink, I mean, get all disgusted and indignant, about this uncouth American bicycle company appropriating French cultural heritage for commercial gain. They did so with wine and cheese, so that now if it wasn't produced in the Champagne region of France it's called "Sparkling White Wine" and if it wasn't produced in Roquefort it's called "Miscellaneous Cave Cheese"... or something. I'd like to see Specialized legally forced to rename the Allez to: "French for Go!". The Roubaix could be renamed: "Town with Shit Roads". They will regret relinquishing the rights to Scranus Mangler.

My compatriot got his 1st wife a booby jobby and I swear they looked just like that poncho. She was a small B and they went with a large D cup because titty. Too much silicone and not enough skin. One pointed at the street light and the other one pointed at the mailbox.

Speaking of street lights and mailboxes - the hottie at a lunch spot near my work has eyes that do that - I have to learn to pick one eye and talk to it but always end up bouncing between the two (with a detour to the tits)

I can assure you that tortoises do, indeed, pee when you pick them up (presumably out of fear, but it could just be out of spite... who knows what malicious thoughts traverse their cool, calculating reptilian brains).

I stopped on a ride to the nearby river once to rescue one from his apparent mission to become a biological speed hump, and I think I managed to wash the smell off me some 4 or 5 showers later.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!