John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Happily reunited after a long estrangement, only to lose her to a post-surgery death. (Published 7/21/2015)

Q:

My twin sister died two years ago, unexpectedly, in the hospital a week after having open heart surgery. We had been estranged for 10 years until I saw her in the hospital right after surgery. We were fully expecting her to make it through this surgery but a few days later she started to falter. I was with her for several hours before she died. I have never taken the time to properly grieve for her. I think about her every day. What will happen to me if I am unable to grieve? I just don't know exactly how to go about this process.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Maego,

Thanks for your note and question.

We imagine there’s a tremendous amount of pain for you, not only with your sister’s death, but also with having been reunited and then losing her forever.

We think you’ve been grieving all along this past two years. Whether you’re aware of it or not, we doubt that your sister has been far away from your consciousness. As you say,” I think about her every day.” Thinking about her, in a way, is grieving. So your worry about not grieving is not really the issue.

And whether or not you’ve talked about it or sensed any sadness in your heart or soul, we’d guess it’s been there - that’s why you’ve written to us.

What you need to learn is about grief recovery. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines, and you’ll start to feel a shift. It will help you feel more emotionally complete with what did and didn’t happen over your lifetime together – and apart – and deal with the unrealized hopes and dreams about the new future you were going to have.