Monday, 16 May 2016

...Things Of 2015: Part 1

How does it just get worse every year?

HOW???

This is the first time I couldn't even think of 10 good things. Just 2 great things, 3 okay things and a bunch of problematic shit. Literally one of the only good things to come out of 2015 was that a nice lady took me to see a movie with dinosaurs in it. It took until May of 2016 to come up with even that much to say.

I promise the second-half of this article will be more positive, but yeesh. I'm not sure how any of us survived 2015.

10. JURASSIC WORLD(???)

...Maybe? I think it was okay...

I dunno, I was pretty sick when I watched it. So I don't know if I actually liked it, or if I hallucinated a better movie.

I do remember a T-Rex and a raptor teaming up to fight a Super Dinosaur though. It was basically the "Bigger Jaws" scene from Family Guy but played straight. Maybe I just don't ask for a lot in a movie about dinosaurs.

But 2015 was probably the low point of my life, and I've never struggled this hard to come up with 10 good things in a year to talk about. It was interesting. It's not a type of experience video games will see a lot of. I was invested in the characters. That counts for something. I just wish it didn't go completely to shit.

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8. TWD: Morgan and Tyreese

Hey, speaking of things that decided to suck hard and fast: The Walking Dead!

"Here's Not Here" and "What Happened And What's Going On" are episodes that take a bit of a break from the main plot of the show, to focus on each of these two characters. They are better than entire films dedicated to zombie apocalypse settings. It's as if they were made by a different staff of people, perhaps written by people who would not settle for making a go-nowhere soap opera. This is another instance where in a better year, these episodes would have been blacklisted, for the rest of the show being such a humiliating failure.

It's deeply upsetting that a show capable of this much so often forces us to settle for so little.

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7. Peridot

Less than a week after I praised Steven Universe as being my favourite thing of 2014, the episode "Sworn to the Sword" premiered. In it, Pearl goes against character and trains a child soldier, while instilling unusual emotional and psychological abuse. "Remember... YOU DON'T MATTER."

When I and others pointed out that this flies in the face of everything established about this character(someone who sees humans and children as vulnerable and in need of protection), and seems to completely disregard her prior growth from this attitude, the show's staff responded with bizarre entitlement and arrogance.

Sure, THAT'S what the problem was, Matt.

Then, they released episodes about the incident, about Pearl doing a bad thing that's out-of-character, and then the moral was to just forgive people immediately and never call them out on their bad behaviour. It was so condescending, to hear a show pride itself on being the parents who know best, and treat valid criticisms as whining from the rabble.

Then they released an episode making fun of all of the sitcom cliches they're guilty of, without even a hint of being self-aware. I would swear there was a Fonzy reference if I didn't think the people involved were so tone-deaf they didn't even notice they'd jumped the shark. It's amazing how fast people like Rebecca Sugar have been blinded by their own hubris.

Try to imagine how stupid I felt when I looked back at my Best of 2014 list, and saw such glowing praise for a show that has soured so quickly. As if the universe waits for me to love something before turning it into shit.

Again, I would blacklist this turd this year if I weren't struggling to think of enough things to fill out a year-end list. I guess instead of a Top 10, this year it'll be "My 5 or so Favourite Things, and several things that didn't need to be terrible".

All that said, Peridot's an alright character. If nothing else, the more the show focused on her, the less time they had to fuck up the other characters needlessly. In that sense, "Dorito Mom" is a noble distraction for the assholes and lunatics who have taken over Steven Universe.

I can't wait to see how they ruin her too.

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6. I ACTUALLY GOT TO KISS A LADY

Twice! On the lips, even!

I mean, nothing really happened after that, I think both of us knew there wasn't any "spark", but still. I didn't think that would ever happen to me.

It'll probably never happen again, but holy shit! That was really nice of her to give me a shot.