What do husbands with aspergers behave like

Laura - posted on 09/06/2010
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Our psychologist thinks my husband has aspergers, but she hasn't specified what that means. what signs do your husbands give that are aspergers? My husband can't handle chaos or emotions. Although, emotions are chaotic and he can't handle them. He is a finance guy and numbers don't talk back, change their minds or do what you tell them not to lol. So I can see some of that being aspergers, but what else? It can also be add or just being anal. thanks for any help

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Michele - posted on 09/09/2010

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My Aspie husband is a finance/computer program number guy also. He gets obsessed with his work, he has a short fuse and somethings that you would not expect set him off, He fixates on things like Nascar or scores and stats for sports, he is a horrible communicatior and does not reciprocate conversations, he doesn't have friends, he never initiates conversations, he doesn't look in the eyes, he never shares emotions and avoids confrontations. My husband can't handle chaos either so I think he avoids coming home, He is a hard worker and loves to work off a list. He wants our kids to like him and can't and is not good at discipline. He is really smart and can memorize numbers in his head but is horrible at directions. He seems to have depression and ADHD also.

After 28 years of marriage, resignation under duress from my job which led into a nervous breakdown and the end of my marriage, I now realise after much angst and research that my husband has Asperger's with narcissistic tendencies.Reading these blogs sounded so familiar. For example, lack of empathy, me asking for hugs, not being able or wanting to discipline children, blaming me for everything, and always stating I was jealous of his relationships with co workers who he played sport with. No, it was a profound sense of unimportance that confused me in that he seemed a different person which he was with others - and all revolved around sport. No visits from him while I was in hospital, and expecting me to be 'cured' when I came home. I was 'the problem'. He laughed all through one counselling session from which he was asked why he was laughing and he could not answer. Too many things to mention. The most confounding is that I still love him. He is a teacher and is admired by kids and parents because of his sporting gifts. Do asp really love? I asked him once if he thought he had this condition and he said 'what difference would it make'? Well, it would have made a huge difference in how I interacted and understood him. I feel it has been tragic for me and our children and grandchildren.

There is an awesome book, "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome" by Maxine Aston. It's quite thin, and an easy read. It talks about why women are attracted to Aspergers men in the first place and then the challenges that are faced later on, as well as the characteristics. It was so dead on...and it was amazing to hear the women in the book talk about their partners and the struggles that can result in the relationship. I felt like I wasn't crazy or alone.

Hi Kathy, yep it can be a struggle. You are better off doing things on your own, I learned that, in fact it gave me my independence back. I had to learn my man was who he is and accept that. When I forget who he is and put expectations on him like socializing then I get resistance. As much as I want to divorce him at times (many) I remember who he is and realize how hard it must be for him to be who he is, I have empathy for him. I have learned that even though he struggles with empathy for me he is only too keen to learn what I want him to do. I had to explain to him that when I cry it would be a good time to give me a hug. He does that now,

Bruce would do anything for me to keep me happy, and if I need a hug then I gotta go get one and not expect him to come to me, he is more likely to go in the opposite direction should I get emotional about him not hugging me enough. I have said to him that he is guilty of wife neglect.

I am an emotional person, I have learned to tone it down and if I need to talk to someone I ring my dear sister and have a moan to her.

This is going to be a long post.

I met Bruce at high school, we were 13 yrs old. I fell for him straight away, he was different and mysterious. I had to get to know him. I sent him a note through his mates. I got one back.

Bruce would not talk to many people at school, especially girls so I was lucky to get a note back. I would help Bruce with math in class.

We would walk the secluded areas of the beach, we had a lovely spot under a willow tree in the long grass verge. Anyway I was hooked on him.

When we were 14 we wagged school and walked the beach, no one was around and we liked that. Alas my father found out I had wagged school and threatened his mum that he would break every bone in his body if we were to see each other again. It broke my heart that my father broke us up.

Bruce got so slapped around by his mum that day my father threatened her.

We never talked again until I was 30yrs old, I was divorced with 2 young children, working and very lonely. I never got Bruce out of my system. Between 14yrs and 30 yrs I would ring his sister and ask how he was.

When I was 30yrs old I rang Bruce and asked him if he remembered me and he said "how could he forget".

I have been with him for 23 yrs now, I had 2 boys to him,we separated 3 times, 2 yrs each time. He would not talk to me at all while we were separated. I would have be the one to fix things. Marriage Counselling was hopeless.

After my youngest was been diagnosed as High functioning Asperger Syndrome when he was 6 yrs old it all made sense to me, I had to change me to live with Bruce and my son.. My son taught me a lot about trust, truth, meaning what you say, and how it has been for my husband. My son is 19 yrs old now and living independently and is an awesome young man and we love each other very much.

Right now even though Bruce doesnt want to go back to work he is making me a large parrot cage so I can enjoy my passion, Exotic birds.

Now everyone knows about how it is for me to live with an aspie hubby.

When its good its real good, when its bad it sucks. I have learned that it is up to me how things go, if Im shitty then Im on my own, if I want a hug, its always there for me to go get.

Hi Laura, my husband is an aspy, he went to a psychologist who said he did not have asd but he interviewed him one on one. Now if that same psych saw how my husband is in a crowd, even small family gatherings then he would see a difference. He is the one with all the body language saying "leave me alone".The community I live in have been talking among themselves and one person bravely said to me "your husband has asperger doesn't he?"Hubby is a carpenter and is known for his lack of social skills.The big thing I notice in a aspy hubby is lack of empathy........that is a biggy.What is your hubby like in that department?

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Kathy - posted on 08/27/2012

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We meet at work back in 2000 We conceived our son in 2004 and always in the gut and mind I wanted to leave him so many times, but I am old fashioned trying to keep the family together. If I never had Justin I would of left him along time ago. When I meet Mike he was getting out of a 7 year relationship so I had a hard time figuring out if he he was still holding on to his ex-girlfriend you really do not know a person until you live with them and I moved in with Mike in 2003 conceived our son 2004, when our son went to pre school I notice something was different the dr's thought it was too soon to test just because he was barely talking end up having a speech delay. When he was in 2nd grade we had him tested that is when we found out about adhd, aspergers, ocd, depression, anxiety disorder, autisum. Mike has been no help what so ever with our son condition I am doing it all by myself and it's a struggle everyday.

I have been reading with great interest and empathy, I believe my 16 yo brother is an aspergers child. He has carried many diagnoses, treated with a boatload of medication, all without positive outcome. Unfortunately, he was approached by people that have taken him down a dark path. Don't get me wrong, he is responsible for his actions and behavior. He has been incarcerated over the past year and will be moving to a therapeutic group foster home.

What I am curious about has to do with the husbands. How did they get to be husbands? Like I have observed my brother, there is great difficulty in initiating a relationship with anyone. How did the 'meeting' and courtship evolve? How can I help my brother?

Hi Kathy, my son and husband are both mechanical huggers, more like hug out of duty. Any hug from my hubby would be a surprise.... if I want a hug then I have gotta go get it. Its just how it is. My hubby has made enemies of the neighbors, his work mates, and earned himself a bit of an anti social reputation. I try to be part of the community but Im not so sure Im that welcome. It is so difficult to socialise when my husband wont. It is like walking on egg shells with him, any moment he will question me over something and only he will be right, he is unreasonable, reacts childishly when I am questioning him over something. And I agree that their is no emotional attachment. I figured it out a long time ago that he needs me, yeah like Im a useful tool. I met him at school, 13yrs old, dark and mysterious, handsome and shy? I had to get to know him, well I do now and it aint so rosy. Nice to share our thoughts, thanks for listening

Good morning ladies just recently my son who is 8 years old was diagnosed with autisum, adhd, aspergers, ocd, depression. His father has aspergers, autisum, adhd how you will know if you husband has aspergers they are not emotionaly attached you are doing most of the work. I have realized after 12 years that when you are in a relationship with a person with aspergers you are doing all the work. emotionally, and if you have kids. It is definately a challange to deal with my husband and son with aspergers on a weekly bases anything can set them off. lack of empathy he does not have any friends, he cant look you in the eyes, he can not have a real conversation it is very dificult. I recently threw my husband a 40th. birthday party he told me 67 people were coming and 12 people came. We had a pig roast that day. We had 3 1/2 trays of food left over 1 1/2 keg that was poored out the following day. If I would of known the party was going to turn out like that I would of just given him money instead of paying $3,000 for his party for only 12 guest. I have a question do you ladies think that Having a husband and you child with aspergers sets them off when they are in the same room together. Our son is 8 years old and his dad only told him one time that he loved him. Watching them try to give each other hugs it is like watching two strangers that do not like each other give hugs. Please reply back

My husband has no real friends and does not associate outside of work. At work he does what he has to for works sake, However he has been coaching my kids teams in softball, football, soccer, baseball. This has really helped bring him out since he would not usually interact with others. I can't say he is great wih communication with the parents or kids but it is an improvement. for him. We do nothing else with other couples. We are home bodies too. But when it comes to the kids he can rarely say no like he took them to the football game last night.

I just thought of another question I wante to ask. Do any of your husbands have many friends or do things outside of work. mine would rather stay home and not leave, but interacts with people at work fine. Although I have heard of a fight with a copier machine :).

My husband was never formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist but several psychologists have told me after seeing us that he is classic aspergers. Lucky for him it has not affected his job. He is a very successful director for a fortune 500 company. I would love to be a fly on the wall there but maybe he is confident at work. He is 39 so I don't think they diagnosed it back when he was a child. He was just labeled as different or withdrawn. I don't think school always came easy for him early on but he achieved his masters in business a few years ago. He has been on meds for his anger for years. My husband also pauses before he talks. It is like he can't get out the words. I don't think a formal diagnosis would help at this stage of his life. Our son is also having social issues and fixations so it all makes better sense now. He must also be on the spectrum.

Wow Michelle that sounds so like my husband. Except he isn't so much obsessed with things or work. My hubby will communicate. ALthough, when we talk he stares at me and takes awhile before he talks. How did you find out he had aspergers? Was he diagnosed when young? My hubby is 46 so it wasn't something they would have known about when he was a kid. I think I will ask the psychologist how we test him. I know with my child she would just ask questions and then score the answers. Now though she thinks he is just OCD. I will ask more questions.