This is in no way funny.

This exchange took place at the front desk of my work place between myself and a very inebriated, pregnant woman.

drunk lady: Why won’t you let me in?

me: I called up to the unit you want to visit and no one answered. You visit this place almost every day, you know how this works.

drunk lady: I’ve got to go to work. I need my car keys.

me: Really? Where do you work [I ask knowing full well this woman has no job or car]?

drunk lady: I work at the morgue…

me: Uh-huh.

drunk lady: …In Sacramento. I work at the Sacramento morgue and if I don’t get my car keys I can’t get in my car and make it there in time.

me: When do you have to be at work?

drunk lady: At 11:42…50.

me: Pardon me?

drunk lady: In an hour, OK?!

me: There’s no way you’re going to get from SF to Sacto in one hour, especially not in your present state.

drunk lady: You saying I’m lying?

me: I never said that [I was, however, thinking it].

drunk lady: And you know I’m pregnant! You’re keeping a pregnant woman from getting her car keys and getting to her job!

me: Well, you can’t go upstairs because no one is answering the phone.

[The drunk lady paces around the waiting area, stumbles, and a crack pipe falls from her pocket and shatters on the floor. The woman is enraged by this. I roll my eyes.]

drunk lady: [screams] FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! [The woman stumbles back to the desk and puts her finger in my face] You know this is Tommy’s baby I’m carrying. You let me in!

me: Um-no.

drunk lady: Whu? Are you jealous? Is that it? You wish this was YOUR baby I was carrying? Well this AINT your baby, It’s Tommy’s and I have to get back up to see him. I’ve got four children, and NONE of them will EVER be yours!!!

me: Wonderful.

drunk lady: This aint your baby, and it never will be! This is Tommy’s…I throw HIM the pussy, and you can’t catch none of it you faggot!!! I know he’s in here! You let me upstairs so he can put his hand on my belly and we can be a family. YOU DO THAT!!! YOU DO THAT RIGHT NOW YOU BITCH!!!

[Tommy enters the building]

Tommy: Baby, why are you yelling at that man?

drunk lady: [sobbing] I told him I needed to see you, and he wouldn’t let me. And I told him I had to get to work, and he wouldn’t let me in. I told him about our baby and he wouldn’t let me in. [pointing at me] He told me he wanted fuck me and called our baby a “crack baby bastard.”

Tommy: Baby, you knew I was at the store. We were there ten minutes ago. I was in line and told you to wait for me here.

drunk lady: So what?! What are you gonna do about that desk BITCH! What are you going to do about him disrespecting our family!!!

Tommy: Come on, let’s go upstairs. [Turns to me] Will you put her down for an overnight?

me: [whispering] Are you sure?

Tommy: [looks to her and then looks back to me] Not really, but put her down for an overnight visit anyways.