I have just learned that the attorney representing the women who cast aspersions on Donald Trump in the months before last year's election tried to arrange bribes in order to persuade those women to accuse then-candidate Trump of sexual misconduct (1). One bribe went for a sweet $750,000 (but the woman declined to take the offer). Now that's some king-size payday.

What's amazing is not that this loathsome, piece-of-crap lawyer, Lisa Bloom, was able to get a few women to accuse Trump, but that with the size of some of these bribes she wasn't able to get at least ten thousand women to falsely accuse him.

So in the interest of making money, I thought to myself, why don't I contact Lisa Bloom and offer the story of my sordid encounter with Donald Trump and try to get a few hundred grand. Why shouldn't I get a sweet payday?

I could change my name to Bernice and wear a wig. The main stream media such as the New York Times certainly won't spend one second verifying the story and they definitely won't bother checking to see if I'm even a female - besides, why can't I self-identify as a woman? Look at Elizabeth Warren: she passed herself off for many years not only as an Indian, but as a woman as well (I never believed she was either) (2).

That event will be the nexus that puts me and Trump in the same place and time.

But I won't tell Lisa that I'm a man - I'll disguise myself. She'll believe me because anti-Trumpers are deranged and they will believe anything. I've heard that some anti-Trumpers even believe Trump colluded with Russians to defeat Hillary Clinton in the last election. Yeah, I know it's absurd, but, hey, a lot of people believe it.

So I will tell Lying Lawyer Lisa this is what happened that night: after Olivia Culpo was crowned Miss USA 2012 (she later won Miss Universe 2012), I was in the elevator when Donald J. Trump came in alone. He asked if I attended the event and after I nodded yes and smiled at him he fondled my breasts. When I pushed him away he said: "How about coming up to my suite where I can grab your P*ssy and you won't say anything because that's how it is with women and me. You will love it hugely - believe me!"

And that's my story dear Lisa. Where's my payday?

ENDNOTES

A well-known women’s rights lawyer sought to arrange compensation from donors and tabloid media outlets for women who made or considered making sexual misconduct allegations against Donald Trump during the final months of the 2016 presidential race, according to documents and interviews.

California lawyer Lisa Bloom’s efforts included offering to sell alleged victims’ stories to TV outlets in return for a commission for herself, arranging a donor to pay off one Trump accuser’s mortgage and attempting to secure a six-figure payment for another woman who ultimately declined to come forward after being offered as much as $750,000, the clients told The Hill.

The women’s accounts were chronicled in contemporaneous contractual documents, emails and text messages reviewed by The Hill, including an exchange of texts between one woman and Bloom that suggested political action committees supporting Hillary Clinton were contacted during the effort.

Bloom, who has assisted dozens of women in prominent harassment cases and also defended film executive Harvey Weinstein earlier this year, represented four women considering making accusations against Trump last year. Two went public, and two declined.

In a statement to The Hill, Bloom acknowledged she engaged in discussions to secure donations for women who made or considered making accusations against Trump before last year’s election.