Passenger:“This sure is a big boat. I’ve been lost three times already today. Do you have a map?”

Me:“Yes sir, here you are. There are also maps and signs posted throughout the ship on the walls, and you can always ask our staff or crew for directions until you get the feel for the layout.”Passenger:“Oh, you’ve got such wonderful crew! I don’t ask directions. I don’t want to seem stupid. How many people fit on this boat?”

Me:“We can carry just about 5,000 passengers and have a crew of nearly 2,000 people.”

(I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We had gotten a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [theme park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everythin’!”

Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone too! See?! These ain’t my towels, I know because we had used ours last night and draped `em over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

(I look around the bathroom–it looked tidy and neat. Clean towels were hanging on the towel rack, new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! Ah know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels and give you new–”

(The man begins shouting.)

Customer: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”

Me: “Its called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

Me: “No, sir, I made sure to get a thick slice. I don’t have to slice it if you’d rather do it yourself.”

Customer: “No! I shouldn’t have to slice it myself to make it filling! You should change your bread. I’m used to good, thick European bread. You shouldn’t even be called a bakery, you don’t make real bread!”

(Our library helps a lot of people finish off the crossword puzzles from their newspapers. I’d helped one man find the answer to a very difficult one earlier in the day. I overhear a lady asking her about the same crossword to my colleague.

Me: “Excuse me, the answer is ‘Salome’.”

Colleague: “Thanks, that fits perfectly.”

Customer: “But…no, how can she know? She wasn’t even here!”

Me “I overheard you from-”

Customer: “No! You read my mind didn’t you! That’s wonderful, do it again! What am I thinking about now?”

(She looks around the library. I notice her eyes linger on a Superman poster.)

Me: “Um…Superman?”

Customer: “F***!”

Colleague: “Ma’am, please don’t curse in the library.”

Customer:: “Oh, sorry.” *to me* “Did you hear me swear in my thoughts? Is that how you knew?”