5 Reasons We Discard You

The seduction is mesmerising and as part of its allure we of course tell you why we chose you with a thousand different sensual sentences. Some may seem over-the-top; others make sense to you but either way you are given the basis of understanding why we have been drawn to you. We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.

The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. You are unable to ascertain why we have suddenly knocked you from your pedestal. It is bewildering and confusing and only serves to add to your pain. You may have some reasons hurled at you but they will not make any sense to you and this is by design, to keep you confused and where we want you. Reasons are given, they just do not make sense.

Then comes the discard and more often than not you are left sprawled in the dust, exhausted, bereft and shattered with no explanation given as to why you have been thrown to one side as we stroll off into the sunset walking away nonchalantly. Why has it ended so suddenly? What did you do wrong? Why have we not told you why this has happened? The pain of being rejected is magnified by the failure to provide you with any explanation. Naturally, this refusal to explain is part of our design. We feel no need to explain because we can do as we want. We feel no need to give reasons because in our eyes you deserve no reasons because you have failed us. We offer no information for you to consider and process because certainly amongst the lesser of our kind they do not know themselves why is has ended, but it had to. This is the way it has to be. There are however reasons why you are discarded. These are those reasons.

You Have Wised Up

You have worked out, usually as a consequence of some external assistance that we must provoke you and make you react in an emotional fashion. You may not entirely understand why this dynamic occurs, you may not realise why it is so important to us, but you know that we want to make you react and you have stopped doing so. You have learned to respond in a neutral fashion and thus deprive us of our fuel. We apply our machinations in a harsher fashion, increasing the pressure to cause you to react as we feed on our secondary sources in the meanwhile but your resistance is substantial. You have not walked away, perhaps you are unable for financial reasons, children or the inconvenience of seeking a new home, but you have turned off the tap and we realise that it is not going to be turned back on anytime soon. We do not want to be in this weakened state and we do not wish to apply the energy we need to finding or embedding a new primary source to be used up on trying to squeeze fuel from you. Thus you are dropped.

The New Source Is in Place

We began our devaluation of you as we sought a replacement for you. This explains the repeated affairs and now we have settled on your replacement as a primary source of fuel. He or she has been seduced and embedded into our supply chain. We are confident that they are functioning well, pouring forth delicious positive fuel in significant quantities and in a reliable manner, far better than you ever did. We have been fuelled by your negative fuel but there is no longer any need to keep you in play now that we have our new bright and shiny plaything. On to the scrap heap you go. We will come back later for a hoover of course, but for now it is adios.

You’re Broken

Although it may seem during devaluation that we are trying to destroy you, that is actually not the case. Yes, we are driving you downwards through our repeated application of horrible manipulations but we do not want to finish you off. Just like somebody’s head we are holding under water, we will let you surface spluttering and gasping for air, by way of a respite period before plunging you into the icy water once again and holding you under. In and out, up and down, push and pull. We will have you bouncing along the bottom but not destroyed. Sometimes we go too far and the avalanche of abuse takes its toll on you resulting in you becoming broken. You are left numb, barely functioning or even hospitalised as a consequence of a break down. You provide us with no reaction any longer. Unlike the first instance above, this is not by choice, but as a consequence of our behaviour breaking you. Knowing now that you will not provide us with any fuel, we show our callous nature by taking no interest in your broken state but instead we shift our focus to embedding the new prospect that we have been cultivating and drop you.

Major Exposure

You may have us worked out but your shock and horror at this, along with your desire to actually try to help and change us, means you continue you to spill out fuel towards us. You have the knowledge but you are not using it effectively, so we see no reason to go elsewhere. You may be trying to tell other people about our terrible behaviours but we have got in first, launched the smear campaign and maintained the façade. It is business as usual. Occasionally however you might just outflank us and manage to tell other people what we are like before we can do anything about it. These people see some incontrovertible evidence that you have obtained (admittedly usually obtained when dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind) and take your side. News spreads and those people we thought we could rely on either turn their backs on us or worse take your side. The façade is crumbling. The fuel has stopped and the energy required to change people’s minds (with no guarantee of success) is too great. We have been exposed in a major fashion. Rather than face the music and allow ourselves to be destroyed we drop you like a stone, saddle up and ride out of town in order to find a new place which hasn’t heard about who we are.

Wounding with Intent

You’ve brought your A game on this occasion. Not only do you know what we are, the revelations that you have been provided with have caused you to now understand how you can hurt us. You know to turn off the tap but you know how to obtain the ultimate revenge against us and your emotion-free criticisms are launched at us. These criticisms wound us repeatedly, burning and hurting us and with no way of getting fuel from you, we are being beaten. You have been well schooled by somebody and applying those learned lessons you are starting to attack the very pillars of our existence. We are under a serious attack and fighting back is not an option. We need to flee and quickly. We don’t want you any longer, we know we cannot succeed at this moment in time and therefore we need to beat a retreat and promptly. You don’t want to let us off the hook because you want answers and you want to punish us for what we have done to you. You are not going to end our connection. We are not going to hang around however and we will discard you as we beat that retreat so we can recover, replenish and then look to strike back at a later date when your guard may be down.

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I’d like to take this time to thank my daddy issues for making my reactions to negative things a masterful pokerface that yeilds poor fuel.
I’d like to thank my nark for not giving me a proper golden period, so I had little to turn into positive reverie.
Couldn’t have gotten discarded without you two.

Well . I am back. Maybe this is it. My narcissist ex boytoy is a schizotypal as well, and agoraphobic, alcoholic, phobic about almost everything, coward, scared especially of authority. Earlier this year he went nuts while drinking. His son had moved into his house against his will (23) and was making my narc crazy. He got drunk, put his head through his own sheetrock, tried to get his friend to do it. The kid called the cops and videoed him menacing him with a loaded pistol. He was charged with Felony Menacing and domestic abuse. He was terrified at the prospect of jail or prison. Suicidal at times out of fear of what would happen in prison. He had to live at my house until the protection order was finally dropped. He was in constant state of terror over the future. I helped him with rides to court, looking up recourse and with his legal papers and attorney. Finally we got it thrown out without prejudice (meaning any found evidence and it reopens the case). I know where the bodies are. The video disappeared. The guns were not there when the cops taped up the house and searched. For the first few days out of jail, he just lay there. In the dark. He was not allowed to drink or do legal pot but did. He wasn’t being tested. He stopped drinking then and said he couldn’t ever go through that again. I was there but not involved or drinking.

Fast forward to now. He starts drinking again, but is very worried about what people think. He has limits imposed at a bar and gets insulted. Goes back and rationalizes it as these low life crud heads are important to him. We get drunk and have a fight. I don’t know if he started it or not. I felt he was being brutally devaluing, but didn’t care that much. I figured I was done, but he came back. We started up where we left off. Ski season ended and we started demo and remodeling on my place. (he wanted to-now says I was using him for free labor–wasn’t worth it) So now he is acting pissy bc y ex-husband came over and scared him by yelling at me. We have some drinks, but both of us are sort of pissed off. I took an anti depressant that reacted with the alcohol and made me apparently crazy. He was already saying I was acting weird before the drink. I could have been , they call Wellbutrin the bitch pill–in any case he tried to calm me down and get me to go home .(he had said before we went to his house if I got told to leave I had to. Well I had other ideas apparently. He threw me out of the house onto my face off a four foot deck demolishing my face, So I took a 2X4 and took out his picture window because my shoes and phone were in there and he wouldn’t let me in. He crawled out a tiny window (hahahahah) someone, maybe him, or he maybe called his borderline daughter to do it, called the cops. They came. I had gone to my exes to get a wet paper towel to go home. Blood was everywhere. The cops came and started grilling him. He thought they were accusing him of rape. He went nuts , told them who I was, where I lived and that they better get back up cause I would kick all their asses. (you can’t make this shit up) so the cops take me to ER and then arrest me. I was stunned. He didn’t press charges the state did, and he called trying to get order of protection for him lifted so we could have contact. He emails me about how worried he is and glad I am home safe. I don’t see it as my eyes are swelled shut and I am exhausted after 24 hours in jail. He freaks out alone in his house for 2 days. I call him. We talk. He loves me, I am so important, he was so worried, but I don’t get it .

I know about the law and jail and gossip. I told NOBODY not the cops, ER nobody that he pushed me. My face was gross from it. He is really worried that people are going to know him as an abuser of women and older women at that. (he is 43 I am 68-been together 4 years. He wants me to come over last night. But I went to AA. He is upset about that, But shit, I needed to. Today he wants me to come over after court. I do. He is doing the cold, I don’t want you here body language shit. So I say what is it. Do you want us to be how we have been or not. It is bad for the court case if we are an intimate couple. He says yes but in this way that sounds like “fuck you”. I ask again saying what do you mean. He says you keep wanting me to answer all your questions (he hates emotions if they are mine) he says I already told you I love you and want to be together, but it has to change , we are going to die or go to prison (He is terrified by that thought so much he has been in bed for days now) So I go home. He says come back later we can watch a movie. I say okay . About 6:30 he calls to see when I am coming over. I say well, I don’t feel like you really want me to. He goes bat shit nuts, that all I ever want is more more more, More emotions . I say well I told you from the start I did and that I didn’t think you could do it and you insisted. He says I kept trying. I have never tried as hard with anyone except my wife 15 years ago and swore I would never do this relationship thing again. I say well then why did you. It just hurt everyone. He says, I wanted it to work, but it is toxic. We are trouble X 2 and you will land me homeless if I get kicked out of here, or in prison. We are toxic together the best thing is for us to stop , end it before it gets worse. I am like, you loved me so much yesterday now its over (Thinking does he have another supply or is he worried cause his rotten kids who hate me are coming and they will see my face? or is he just terrified of the cops or what. Just done with me? . So he says well we could try being friends but I am afraid it won’t work and you will land me in prison. I say well this all makes me sad, but if that is what you want thanks for being honest. I say are you gonna block me? No he says, call me about the case if you need to. Or at least give me a few days to chill out, I just spent 3 sleepless days here. I say , I was the one arrested and silent and not blabbing to cops and I am the one awaiting trial. But fuck it. I will leave you alone for sure, have a nice life. He says he is doing it for both of our sakes that he will always love me, but we are going to get each other killed. Maybe, then he says all my demanding emotion from him is making him crazy and he is gonna have an aneurysm . I say well we don’t want that. He says I just can’t do it. I don’t have it , I can’t don’t you get that? I say no. I thinkI am worth it. Good luck finding someone as good as me. He says I never want another one ever. I think yeah right. Go get laid. Give somebody else your STDs (but I don’t tell him that) He cut me off over a year ago , but started texting and calling after a month. I don’t think he was with anyone. He was freaked about his son moving in and that my exhusband had threatened him and made him look like a home wrecker and what would people think. He is very concerned about that stuff . I don’t give a shit.

So I think he did us both a favor, but I like him and am gonna miss him. I won’t contact him unless I have to. I held out 8 months last time, even when he resorted to “her I am dying” messages. He finally came to my house and begged. I am old. It is different. I don’t care that much. I am not building a family or buying a house or taking care of aging parents. I am the aging grandma. But he allows no emotion unless he has scripted my part and his part. Then we are soulmates. hahahaha. I was married 4 times. My third husband was my soulmate, so I fled. Who wants that? Anyway, he is so terrified. Is that a narcissistic injury? I am gonna try to just forget it this time and move on. I am a performer and get a lot of attention that isn’t this fucked up from men. At my age that is all I want. Attention , someone who isn’t such a low life he is banned to be near my grandkid, and who has my back –he doesn’t have my back and my kids and friends see him for the low life sleeve ball he is. I like him any way. I am amused. But I hate the hot and cold and the inability to process any emotions. Also despite all the talk of genius narcs, He isn’t as smart as I am. But I am sad. I will miss his humor and acceptance of most of my crazy shit. He just is terrified we are gonna die or go to prison. Should I forget it?

Thanks for this. I’m always amazed when I discover that all narcissists use the exact same phrases and excuses. It’s creepy. It took me sooo long to figure it all out but I finally did. My N was somewhat self-aware and even said things (prior to me unmasking her)like “it’s not going to make sense”, “as your friend, I’m telling you to stop contacting me. It’s the only way I know to help you”, “you couldn’t have done anything different”, “I’m so worried that I’m going to hurt or disappoint you”, etc. it all makes sense in hindsight. She actually said “this was never real, it was a fantasy” during a discard.

HG…….as arrogant as this blog is……….thank you for being willing to add to make it public. Number 5 is of particular interest to me. No. 5 wounding with intent. The cyclical nature of things eventually got to the point where I stated..…” you just want someone- -anyone to be with at night.” I tried and offered grace for the entire truth regarding infidelities- -the eventual ending was- -” I will call you at 8″ I reached out at 9 and stated are we going to talk tonight? The answer I got was “this is too much……I can’t give you what you want or need.” I then said enough is enough and sent her a screen shot of narc’s in relationship. I have been blocked and radio silence. I also told her I cannot deal with this hot and cold then being slammed. Her idea of “work” in a relationship is going to church where she is held in high esteem since she provide the dance scenes for Christmas and Easter. Her Ex reached out to me on FB and her response was not one of sorrow for putting me in this position yet she went to his house blasted him and blasted me for believing his story. She then told me “he” played me like a fiddle. Final text no conversation was “he” didn’t play me like a fiddle I was worked by someone I care about. Side note she also threatened self harm the one time I had enough of her behavior early on. Thoughts?

I absorbed EVERY word of your book and am VERY grateful for the enlightenment. I was like a rat trapped in a dark hole for the past month and finally… light. I was dumped after 6 months in a long distance relationship with a narc. The details are unimportant. What is important is that without knowing it, I hit on a tender spot in a text message about his silent treatment and the fact that there was a woman coughing in his bed as we spoke. I referred to “the narcs daughter” I made a comment about not wanting another man to treat his daughter how he treated me. He IMMEDIATELYYYYYY texted and severed contact stating that “my daughter will be fine.” He tries all to get close to his daughter but she just uses him to get what she wants. These are his words not mine!!! He tried to call later that night and I refused to answer. I sent him a text right after stating that he asked me to desist communication with him, yet he was calling me so he could leave a text message if he wished…..He didnt respond. I NEVER gave him the opportunity to mouth off on me. Without knowing it I tore his heart out of his chest and spat on it as he idolizes his daughter of 26 years and she treats him like GARBAGE! I feel vindicated…The love I poured out to him and was treated like a piece of S@!T…is the same he has been giving to his daughter and get the same shitty treatment. The difference is its coming from his own flesh and blood. While I will heal and love again…He has to live with that pain of rejection FOREVER!!!!! I can now tell the world what it is like to be in hell…..Good bye you piece of filthy scum…I smell shit and poison all over you. I have blocked you and removed you from my phone. I was waiting for you to hover to ignore you COMPLETELY as you did me..not anymore…. I want every shred of you out of my life… …Just stay away…very far away…WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. You make me angry and sick to my stomach. You are like Cancer…I have cut you off like a diseased limb. I dont need to suffer this rejection 2 …3 …4 times to get the point. You did a head shot and I GOT IT! Recovering from Cocaine addiction must be easier than the trauma recovering from this. I thought you were generous but now realize your deposit was a minute fraction of what your planned withdrawal. In the end I dodged your storm but felt the strong outerbands. You are a beast …a sick , disgusting, excuse for a human being. I am thankful to be out sane and disease free…I have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER…who is laying up in your bed or filling your head…You are EVIL and Heart less…I will treat you like the disease you are..You are a Demon and I will block you with every fibre of my being and purge you out of my soul…Worthless…Useless..Filthy excuse for a man!!!!!!

I’ve read through almost all of your blog now and you have perfectly described how my wife has treated me for the last 4 years. I am gobsmacked.
I was love bombed to perfection. Then I was devalued to perfection.
Discarded several times.
I was discarded for the last time at the weekend.(She had already moved out earlier this year). We have been ‘dating’ each other for the last 3 months to save our marriage, at least I thought we were. Then, one minute she’s holding my hand on the sofa and we have just kissed and the next she walks out saying she has no feelings for me other than those of a friend. Then she was gone. I’ve not heard from her since.

When I fled the long term marriage it was because he went bsc and threatened my life. I was so in love with the illusion of a wonderful but seemingly crazy relationship. After leaving and being away for over a year, unfortunately I still love his illusion of what was and how I failed and that’s why the relationship went down hill. All I could ask for several month was “why?”. I never found any counseling that came close to giving me even a sliver of understanding such as this site! It is harsh to read from the narc’s perspective, however, it’s a pleasant slap into reality of why written for anyone to understand. It may be harsh but for me it is oh so very therapeutic. Thank You! I’m beginning to understand in less than 24 hours what I couldn’t find in over a year!

Corkie Marie,
Continue reading HG’s books-they taught me so much. Consultations are the best-he is able to spell out all you need to continue on your journey! All the best and keep coming back it WORKS!