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RAD good days can be as simple as a moment of holdings hands, instigated by a child with no ulterior motive.

The Good Days are Exquisite

Maybe it’s because RAD good days are so rare, but when they happen, they are a burst of sunshine. It doesn’t take much to make RAD good days. In fact, an event that creates such a day may be so subtle that no one else would even notice. It’s like when I was taking my fifteen-year-old daughter to the grocery store with me the other day. It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t anything unusual or special. We just went to pick up a couple of things. On the way home, she grabbed my hand, and held it. She didn’t even look at me. In fact, that made it all the more surreal. The fact that she wasn’t looking at me told me that she wasn’t trying to charm me, or get something from me. My daughter wasn’t trying to read my reaction so she would know what her next manipulation tactic might be. She simply wanted to hold hands with her dad, while we sat in silence.

RAD good days can be as simple as a moment of holdings hands, instigated by a child with no ulterior motive.

For once, I felt like I was handling a situation correctly. I wanted to pull over and hug her; tell her how much I loved her, and tell her that our relationship could always be like that. Instead, I allowed her to remain in a place where she felt comfortable. I gently squeezed her hand and then let off. She squeezed mine, back. And we continued to hold hands for the rest of the ten-minute drive, home. Then we both got out of the car, acting like nothing had happened. RAD good days can be as simple as a moment of holdings hands, instigated by a child with no ulterior motive.

We make a conscious effort to take note of RAD good days with my oldest daughter.

My wife and I have three children that have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. One has a severe case of RAD, my fifteen-year-old daughter is moderately affected by the disorder and my eleven-year-old son has a mild case of Reactive Attachment Disorder. The RAD good days, with our children, come as you would expect them to, based on the severity of the disorder. They are so few and far-between with our oldest daughter. Still, they arrive like a surprise seashell, washed up on a beach. We make a conscious effort to take note of RAD good days with my oldest daughter. They would really be so easy to forget, amidst all of the difficulties. But we hold to the good days and cherish them; drawing from them like a bee lives on winter honey until the flowers bloom again.

A fleeting moment of recognition, that others had challenges, too, was one of the best RAD good days I have ever had.

My oldest daughter was horrifically abused in her first home, until she was seven. Her continued existence was always a question. From that time until she was fifteen, the abuse continued in an orphanage, though at least her life was not in danger. That daughter has a difficult time recognizing the suffering of other people, even though she lived it, herself. Still, she is aware of the abuse that my wife suffered through her childhood and teen years, though she rarely wants to talk about anything but her own suffering. That is fine and it is accepted. But the nature of my daughter’s need to talk mostly about her, gave us one of our RAD good days that we will never forget. After a therapy session that had focused on abuse that my daughter had suffered at the hands of boys in her orphanage, she was exhausted. Even so, she looked at my wife and said: “Mom, I’m sorry you were abused, too. That’s not OK that people abused you. I wish you never were abused.” A fleeting moment of recognition, that others had challenges, too, was one of the best RAD good days I have ever had.

It is often difficult to see any of the RAD good days as days that we would recognize as our favorite days.

Often, I think we expect RAD good days to be like good days with children that don’t come from trauma, but that is unrealistic. When we take all of the days that we see with all children and compare them with all the days we witness from children who come from complex and traumatizing situations, it is often difficult to see any of the RAD good days as days that we would recognize as our favorite days. I think that is where we err.

There is far more distance between RAD bad days and RAD good days than there is between regular good days and regular bad days.

We need to look at all of the days spent with children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder and categorize them by themselves. Then we need to compare them with all the days in that category, alone. When we do, we will see those days for what they are. There will be bad ones, mediocre ones and good ones. I am confident that when we do this, that there is far more distance between RAD bad days and RAD good days than there is between regular good days and regular bad days. That distance, alone, makes RAD good days special. That almost infinite gap between RAD good days, and RAD bad days, makes RAD good days exquisite, to me.

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About the Author

John M. Simmons is an adoption advocate and author of the award-winning novels The Marvelous Journey Home and To Sing Frogs. John performs television and radio interviews and writes editorials to share his experience with special needs and international adoption. He appears at book clubs, and is a frequent guest speaker for various groups to increase adoption awareness. He and his wife have three biological sons and six adopted children.