Thursday, December 5, 2013

I keep thinking, "God, I don't know how much more of this I can take!" But in the stillness He has just whispered ever so subtly, "You can bear it for as long as I require." I have told people that I have not been released from the vows I made FIRST with God and second with my husband. And many people, most of society, will disagree or at the very least question my decision to stay the course.

Every day I want to give up. But anything worth having is worth waiting and working for and sometimes the price is higher than we ever could have imagined. With risk comes reward; the greater the risk, so too does the reward increase. I may not see the return anytime in the near future but when I can look back down this road regardless of the destination and say with certainty that I did everything I could, I will be able to look back without regret, without guilt, without burden. And that in itself is a gift.

This is the legacy my children will inherit, a legacy of great joy grown from the fertile soil of sadness and deep loss. A legacy marked not by uncertainty but of steadfast faith (at least when it comes down to the wire). A legacy of love, trust, forgiveness and hope, always hope.

I have no desire to shield my children from the evil in this world but rather to train them to fight when they meet it face-to-face. In a society where so many things and people are seen as disposable I pray they will forever remember their own value and recognize it in others.

Every day I put one foot in front of the other, I prepare once again to fight the doubt and worry that I know will come to haunt me. I don't expect that everyone in the same situation should do exactly as I have, as I do. This is not the well-worn path and I realize that. But I do know others who have walked it before me and there are a few who are traveling beside me right now, who have chosen this route not because it is the shortest or easiest but because we know regardless of the destination we will be better for having taken the journey.

The last thing in the world I want is pity. But if you have something else for me -- encouragement, scorn, support, criticism -- I gladly welcome them. I am not a victim and I have no wish to be the heroine in this story, my only desire is that I maintain the strength and grace to finish it well.