Edd’s MANtra: Been So Long

Mystikal, born Michael Tyler, was sentenced to six years in prison after being arrested along with two of his bodyguards for threatening to turn his former hairstylist in to police for cashing $80,000 worth of unauthorized checks from his bank account. The stylist said she was forced to have sex with all three men in exchange for their silence. As part of the plea bargain, all three pleaded guilty. Mystikal has five years of probation upon his release and has to be registered as a sex offender in Louisiana.

Ah, Mystikal. A pioneer in movement to dumb down hip hop. Now that he’s back, we just have to find Mia X and we can have that long-awaited No Limit reunion.

Or, let’s not and say we did.

Mystikal has high hopes for a comeback. Initially, you might think it would be hard for him to find a place in today’s music landscape. His last album, Tarantula, was released waaaay back in 2001 – there’s a whole new generation of music fans now on the scene. But I think he has all the tools to make it big in 2010. Check them out:

1. Ridiculous catchphrase

You people can’t tell me that you enjoy songs by OJ Da Juiceman and Gucci Mane because of their thought-provoking lyrics. No, I bet you bop along to them because you like that they randomly spit foolishness like ‘aye!’ and ‘burrr!’

Well Mystikal has ’em all beat. “Shake It Fast” is nothing but a bunch of ad-libs. “Shake it fast!” “Watch yo’self!” “Showmewhatyaworkinwit!” I can’t understand anything else in that song BUT those ad-libs. It would be an even bigger hit today than it was in 2000.

2. Marketable look

All of today’s stars look like someone more famous than they are.

Nicki Minaj – Lil Kim

Kanye West – Steve Urkel

Mystikal – Miss Celie

3. Jail stint

Dude has sexual battery AND extortion on his rap sheet. What else do you need?

All the elements are there for Mystikal’s rise to the top. Never mind the fact that he’s a horrible rapper. But when has having talent ever been a requirement for stardom?