Awful rapping, who's a douche? and why Sean Penn should play a mob boss

Joaquin Phoenix Documentary

Move Over, Vanilla Ice. Step Aside, Snow There’s a new white boy ass-clown in town and his name is MC Joaquin Phoenix. I’m unsure why Casey Affleck thinks the world needs a documentary about Joaquin’s nascent rap career. I’m pretty sure this is a masterfully executed Borat-style hoax.

2

Watchmen

Unwatchable The new website is pretty damn boring. It’s just a bunch of people in silly outfits standing around in the rain. Am I the only one who thinks this flick looks about as dopey as Dick Tracy?

3

Fast & Furious

Take a Flying Leap It is an undeniable fact of life that Paul Walker is an indestructible douche nozzle. Proof: the moment in this trailer in which he leaps through a window, tackles some random gangsta and plummets three stories onto the top of a car without, you know, dying.

4

Wolverine

No, Really Hugh Jackman would like you to know that the reshoots were due to scheduling conflicts and not any perceived suckitude of earlier footage.

5

The Hobbit

They’re Baaaaack? Dominic Monaghan says they’re thinking of bringing back all the Shirefolk for the LOTR prequel. Even though none of them were actually in the book. I was cool with such liberty-taking as cutting Tom Bombadil out of the trilogy, but when you start adding characters? That’s asking for trouble. Suck alert has been moved to DEFCON 4.

6

Iron Man 2

Penny Pinching Sam Jackson cameoed as Nick Fury in the first one, but he might not be coming back because of contract issues. First Terrence Howard and now Sam Jackson? Really? The original literally made a bazillion dollars. Spend some of that coin, you tightwads.

7

Tyson

Ludicrous! It’s tough to humanize a guy who’s made a living beating the holy hell out of people and gnawing the occasional ear. But this Sundance doc just might do it.

8

Horsemen

Horror 101 How come every killer in a horror movie these days has to scrawl some cryptic clue on a wall? “Come and see”? Why didn’t they just write, “Hey, everybody! The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are on the way! And it’s gonna take a lot of awkward exposition to explain what the heck is going on”?
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9

Cowboy Bebop

Cowboy Conundrum Anime fanatics might not believe this, but not everyone is obsessed with anime. Crazy, right? So if you cast Keanu Reeves in a live-action anime adaptation, and piss off every anime fan on the planet, and nobody else really cares about something called Cowboy Bebop, who’s gonna pay to see it?

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