Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Paul Chryst Press Conference, Makes Apology and Offer

Blawnox - University of Pittsburgh Head Football Coach, Paul Chryst, held an unusual weekly press conference this afternoon. As most media expected, Coach Chryst took full responsbility for the display of the Panther football team on Saturday night at Heinz Field. "First, I want to congratulate the Youngstown State team for a great effort. They gave us more than we could handle."

Next, Coach Chryst sought to apologize. "Now, I know many of you are upset with us. I can understand that. Let me just say, that this sort of thing will never happen again." This reporter asked, "What will you do to ensure that?"

Coach Chryst retorted, "Well, we have to control what we can control. And for me, that is affecting every single Pitt fan I can. That's who we're ultimately serving. So let me apologize to all of those who were not in attendance, who I didn't get to kick square in the nuts at the game. Normally I wouldn't make concessions but this was an extraordinary event, plus the weather, and suspensions. I feel I need to do more." Chryst stared directly at those in attendance; tearing up a little, he said, "I just feel terrible that I couldn't kick more of you, as hard as I possibly could, straight and dead-on in the balls on Saturday night."

He continued, "So for any Pitt fan holding an unused game ticket from the Youngstown State game, we will be allotting as much time as it takes for all the fans to come down after practice on Tuesday, September 4th. Each fan, holding an unused game ticket, will get a gigantic kick in the balls from me, the Head Coach."

A reporter from the AP asked, "What is the policy for having more than one unused game ticket - will you give two kicks for those individuals?"

"Sorry, only one kick per ticket holder. However, again, because of how roundly I kicked those fans in the nuts at the game itself, we've decided to make sure everyone gets what's coming to them. So if you have more than one ticket, you can redeem a second to get kicked again but that would be by Coach Huxtable," stated Chryst. "But we'd really hope that you'd donate those unused tickets to another great Panther fan."

"What time do the lots open for the nut-kicking? And can I use my season parking pass at the Southside Practice Complex?," questioned a local fan.

Athletic Director, Steve Pedersen, stepped to the podium to field the answer. "As is tradition for the games, the lots will open 5 hours prior to the end of practice. The Flow Band will be on site to provide entertainment along with free Face Painting for kids under 12. Parking passes will not be valid. Parking costs will be $15 for the Fage Fozio, "Original Nut Destroyer" lot; $10 for the Paul Hacket, "The Nut Kill of Cardiac Hill" lot; and $5 for the shuttle from campus. The shuttle ride will cost an additional $3.95 from campus but will include a good kick in the balls by the shuttle driver."

"And let me further clarify, "added Pedersen, "that any Panther Club member who gives more than $10,000 per year, qualifies for an additional ball kicking by myself. And those with more than $100,000 in giving per year will receive a nut-kicking from their choice of Mark Nordenberg, Jerry Cochrane, or former Chancellor, J Dennis O'Connor."

How about we suck and lost to a FCS school and we blow because we lost to a mediocre UC team and after the VT game it's all over with a possible 1-11 season, would you entertain the thought of bringing back Mr. Fish Sandwich?