In search of Louis Futon: hashtag fever breaks out over... the humble mattress

If mattresses could talk, they’d report some sauce. Surely those springs have seen it all: from extramarital affairs to stashed fortunes to shamefaced hungover grazing. You’d pull up a bar stool, get the G&Ts in, and prepare for an evening of salacious bedtime stories.

Unfortunately, this personification misses the mark. It seems the mattress has found its voice — and it’s of a rather more philosophical refrain. Spotted in a Peckham alleyway last weekend: a double, quilted number proclaiming “Nothing really mattress”.

This black quip seems to be the rallying call of London’s malcontent mattresses: the fashion designer Henry Holland recently Instagrammed a picture of another — different — mattress scrawled with the same message. This one was hanging out with a chair, who retorted rudely that it, “Couldn’t chair less”. Passers-by report that the furniture face-off continued — the mattress threw down Nirvana lyrics, which the chair saw off with a Philip Larkin aphorism — until both were silenced by the bottoms of some passing drunks.

Across the Channel, the mood is a little lighter. Holland — fast emerging as the pioneering documenter of this trend — spied one in Paris, emblazoned “Louis Futon”. It scored more than 2,600 likes. #mattress fares even better — there are almost 50,000 Instagram posts associated with the hashtag. Admittedly some are mattress shops showcasing their wares but there are hundreds of vocal, abandoned mattresses making choice soundbites.

For example, the mournful specimen whimpering, “But I’m trying to sleep WITH you”; the rather gruesome one muttering, “People fell in love on me”; or the enigmatic double which reasons that, “It’s easier to be generous than to be fair”. The “Nothing really mattress” mantra is repping hard; animals on mattresses are also a prevailing theme.

The movement has been gaining momentum for a while now. Last summer, the capital was visited by a renegade creative spectre: the “trash artist” Francisco de Pajaro, a Spaniard who roamed Shoreditch and Soho creating art out of piles of boxes, bin bags and mattresses. He tagged his pieces with the motto, “Art is trash”. Close graphological analysis of the Peckham double and Henry Holland’s specimen suggests they were tagged by the same individual — is de Pajaro back in the capital with a new mantra? Or are you the mattress creative? The Standard is investigating all leads.

However it’s not all fun and games on the bedsprings. Walthamstow’s (unofficial) Tourist Board identifies homeless mattresses as a pressing crisis. “Today, Walthamstow is well-known for its abandoned mattresses,” reads the board’s website. “This sickening problem is often caused by owners moving, passing away or finding a nicer mattress. Mattresses are often left to fend for themselves on the streets and some even become feral. Over 50 per cent of abandoned mattresses are euthanised while others are adopted or end up in shelters.”

The contribution of the Walthamstow Tourist Board to this sobering crisis is to share photos

of the refugees on the board’s Facebook page. Recent stars include a mattress that appears to have been mugged, and one that bears a strong resemblance to US talk show host Ellen DeGeneres.

Indeed, for years now, celebrities have been tipping their hat to the mattress look. A “Celebrities who look like mattresses” listicle, also created by the Walthamstow Tourist Board, recently went viral

— the Facebook page has more

than 5,000 likes. Leaving no

pap shot unturned, this is acute sartorial commentary at its finest: stars including Miley Cyrus,

David Mitchell, Kate Middleton, Kim Kardashian and the Queen have entered into the fine tradition. Lindsay Lohan appears to be

having a shocker that goes beyond her derivative, shameless and ultimately unsuccessful attempt