Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. TODAY THE TOPIC IS HILLARY CLINTON. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HOW DO YOU THINK SHE DID AS SECRETARY OF STATE?

Herm: IF YOU DON’T GET INTO ANY WARS THEN YOU’RE A GOOD SECRETARY OF STATE.

Jon: THAT’S A GOOD POINT, HERM. OUR NEXT GUEST IS A FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE HERSELF SO SHE CAN PROBABLY DO AN EVEN BETTER JOB OF EXPLAINING HILARY’S LEGACY. WELCOME TO THE SHOW, MADELINE ALBRIGHT.

Madeline: Thanks for having me, Jon.

Jon: SO FIRST THING’S FIRST, HILLARY CLINTON WENT TO WORK FOR HER OLD ENEMY BARACK OBAMA. THIS HILLARY, I CALL HER MIKE SHANAHAN BECAUSE HE WENT FROM HATING THE BRONCOS TO COACHING THEM.

Madeline: Yes that was a bold move by both her and the president.

Jon: AND I’M ALL ABOUT BOLD MOVES. LIKE WHEN I CALLED A COUNTER TOSS AGAINST THE BRONCOS BACK IN ’99 AND THEY DIDN’T SEE IT COMING AT ALL.

Herm: JON FOOLED MIKE SHANAHAN.

Jon: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID. THE WORST PART ABOUT GOING TO THE NFC WAS THAT I COULDN’T BEAT HIM TWICE A YEAR ANY MORE.

Madeline: I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

Jon: LET’S SWITCH GEARS AND TALK ABOUT THIS BENGHAZI THING. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON THERE?

Madeline: This is just a made-up scandal. There’s no coverup: it was an intelligence failure.

Jon: I KNOW ALL ABOUT INTELLIGENCE FAILURES, I USED TO COACH AGAINST JIM HASLETT.

Herm: JON GRUDEN WITH THE SICK BURN.

Madeline: What I mean is that Republicans made up this controversy as a cheap way of scoring political points during an election.

Jon: HOLD ON THERE, MADELINE. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS SCORING POINTS IN A CHEAP WAY. AT THE END OF THE DAY ALL THOSE POINTS STILL COUNT THE SAME, WHETHER YOU GOT THEM ON A PERFECTLY EXECUTED RIGHT 42 COUNTER OR BECAUSE AARON BROOKS FUMBLED AGAIN AND BOOGER MCFARLAND TOOK IT TO THE HOUSE.

Madeline: Uh, beg pardon?

Jon: THE REPUBLICANS, I CALL THESE GUYS THE COLTS BECAUSE ALL THEY DO IS SCORE CHEAP POINTS AND CAN ONLY BEAT INFERIOR COMPETITION. THAT’S WHY THEY GOTTA MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS BENGHAZI THING, BECAUSE THEY’RE DESPERATE.

Herm: WHEN YOU GET DESPERATE, YOU MAKE STUFF UP. MY LAST YEAR IN KANSAS CITY I JUST TOLD THE PLAYERS TO WING IT.

Madeline: I think I agree with your characterization of Republicans as desperate.

Jon: THEY ARE BESMIRCHING THE GOOD NAME OF A GREAT PUBLIC SERVANT. WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON YOU TALK ABOUT ARAB SPRING AND HANDLING AN INTERNATIONAL FINANCIAL CRISIS. FOR THAT, I THINK SHE DESERVES A GRUDEN GRINDER.

Herm: SHE THE FIRST FEMALE GRUDEN GRINDER?

Jon: NAH I USED TO GIVE THEM OUT AT TAMPA TITTY BARS TO STRIPPERS WHO HAD THE WILL TO SUCCEED.

Madeline: I have no idea what’s going on.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE RAN OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, PLAY US OFF.

Herm: WE NEED SOME SECRETARY MUSIC, SO LET’S PLAY SOME TRAIN, HERM EDWARDS 7.

This is one of few columns so damn funny that I can accept its soft liberal overtones in exchange for making me laugh so hard.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m a dick for getting butthurt over liberalism that may or may not really be intended as this is satire. It still makes me laugh, so, please, don’t burn me. I realize I’m not a Gruden Grinder.