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Horoscope

AriesFailure can turn into a kind of drug, a wicked elixir that shelters us from the jagged cliffs of success: after all, if you stay close to the ground, you don’t have to worry about the bends… or something like that, I don’t friggin’ know. But I don’t think you’re a natural failure at all Aries. In fact, I think ever since that hang-gliding accident you’ve been hiding behind Lisa’s skirts — and it’s just not fair!!!

TaurusEvery St. Patrick’s Day (March 17 you heathen beggar), my cousin Gerry would get so drunk on Sterno his toes would swell through his old boots, grossing out the whole family. Usually at that point we’d finished our potato stew, so it wasn’t a big deal. But Taurus, Gerry was trying to teach us something with his excess, was screaming out to us: "Even if I’m gross, I’m unforgettable!"

GeminiCan you feel it Gemini? That warm little whisper of spring in the brick-heavy New York air? Yes, despite all the sludge and spew and fume and ambient muck of a city at the end of time, a little delicate tendril of green hopefulness is contriving its way back into our winter-beaten lives. Eternal, hopeful spring is indeed in the air. So maybe you can stop wearing that stupid hat already.

CancerI used to stay up without sleep for days at a time, in an effort to induce mystical fever dreams that would bring me closer to the truth within me, rather than the fuzzy truth of the TV screen. But the only thing that happened after three days of caffeination was that I started to see tiny purple snakes on everybody’s shoulders. I wasn’t any closer to the truth. Get some sleep Cancer.

LeoYou gotta’ get more panache back into your life Leo. No, not pancake (you’ve had enough of that lately), panache! French joie de vivre, a way of existing in the world that worries more about delivering the perfect witticism at the perfect moment than anything as mundane as getting to work on time. The first step to panache is paying all your debts. Especially to me.

VirgoSure, a feather and a cannonball will fall at the same rate in a vacuum, but I highly doubt any of these sleek, new whisper vacuums are big enough to hold an entire cannonball! I mean jeez. What kind of crazy scenario is that anyway?! Sheesh! DO you ever feel like you’re surrounded by complete morons Virgo? It’s pretty bad isn’t it? But from me to you, it’s a lot worse actually being the moron.

LibraIt was one of those shaggy Beatles who once said, "Life is what happens while you’re making other plans." That’s pretty sagacious for a minstrel, but I’m not sure it’s accurate. Look at your own situation Libra, you haven’t made a plan in years and you’re one of the most successful people I know! What’s your secret? Is it your incredible mastery of physical intimidation? I think yes, it is.

ScorpioWe’ll sacrifice a lot in this life to ensure the happiness of those we love: which is the only power we have in a world that otherwise seems to render us utterly powerless. You see Scorpio, they can take everything , but they can never take… OUR FREEDOM! Ok, I was watching Braveheart last night, a movie I used to like — but with the exception of the Mad Max movies, all I see is Jesus now.

SaggitariusYou don’t look up much anymore, do you Sagittarius? Bedroom, sidewalk, subway, office, bar… Do me a favor? Just lift your eyes to the horizon for a moment, even if you have to venture beyond the chasms of Midtown to the edge of the island. You need to remember that there is space in this world, distance, scope… I’m not suggesting you move to an ashram, just don’t let it all perish.

CapricornDear god it’s a hard world ain’t it Capricorn? Once you start to love something you’re stuck aren’t you? It sure is pretty when the sun streams along 23rd Street at dusk isn’t it? There’s no need to be afraid of a little poetry is there? Mankind wasn’t meant to fly, were they? Do I look fat in this kimono? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the heart is a lonely hunter, isn’t it?

AquariusEverybody should be able to answer the question: Who’s the smartest person you know? It’s important Aquarius, to maintain comparative yard sticks against which to measure the self. Who’s the most successful? The happiest? The funny thing is that it’s usually only sociopaths who answer "me" to any of these questions. Did you answer "me" (as in you) to any of these?

PiscesSo I just learned that Pisces is the fish sign! Hahaha! Fish can’t even go to the movies! Unless they’re like underwater screenings… which would suck! I’m really only picking on you because I can’t swim, and it makes me ashamed at the beach when I go in and plash around up to my nipples and "pretend swim." If you teach me how to swim, I’ll give you a useful horoscope… How about it?