A bunch of inane cynical rants on gaming and other entertainment by a stereotypical British person, who is so self conscious he has to hide under a pseudonymn called John Smith (or shortened to Jonith.) Also has a fondness for tea.

Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube ChannelRants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Do you want to know something amazing, I liked the Star Wars the Clone Wars series. It had characters that were more believable than standing outside and waving at pedestrians. Then you had its storylines, which fit in with the Star Wars canon better than fit woman in an orgy. The characters do absolutely nothing to make themselves come across like they’ve had their brain replaced with a pumpkin, and you always want to watch more.

Now if you have an IQ higher than a retarded cabbage you will have realised that I’m lying about this more than O.J Simpson in a murder trial. However there will be some Star Wars fans that read this, and see it is as my undying love for the Star Wars prequels and the Clone Wars. Well I don’t, those films were awful, I would rather stick my cock through a shredder than watch them. The characters are not believable at all, and have less personality than that rock in your garden, basically they all have the personality of scarecrow.

So that is why when I got Lego Star Wars 3: The Clone Wars, I went into it expecting less than an animated film about Mohammad made by Saudi Arabians. And I believe I was right, this game is fucking awful, I don’t see why anybody would want to play this game. If any of you have played any of the previous Lego Games then this is more similar than a creepy twin brother who follows you around all day. There basically another Super Mario series.

So where does the game start, ah yes at the end of the Attack of Clones, because one of my wishes in life was to be reminded of the shit fest of that film. This scene is just you constantly tapping buttons to use your lightsaber, while unending waves of droids attack you as if your there ex lover.... and you shot there new boyfriends.

After this level which seems to add about as much to the story as parrot adds to a football team, your sent back to your central hub in a space ship somewhere. Why, I don’t fucking know as it doesn’t explain it anywhere in the game, even during one of those annoying scrolling texts things at the start of every Star Wars film. By the end of the game you are so annoyed at the scrolling text it makes you want to blow up Microsoft’s studios to stop them from making Word anymore.

Now I will give one compliment now. Some of the large battles (which there are few of) are very good, as the amount of characters on screen makes you feel like you’re part of a larger thing. Now that’s enough of that, if you want happiness (and I want it less than I want to live in a house with Colonel Gaddafi) go to a Disney land you idiots.

The game is more repetitive than playing more than 5 games of Call of Duty online. The whole game just involves you doing the same thing over and over again as if you are the world’s most boring accountant. It just involves, kill enemies, use force, kill enemies, and use different character to open door. By the end of it I thought I was just watching the news about the Libyan troubles it was so repetitive.

The enemies are also extremely similar; I can’t remember one who couldn’t be killed by a lightsaber blow to the face. There is less practicality in this game for the force than there is a turtle in an American Civil War re-enactment. There is so little use for it that at times it shoves it in your face, like it’s a photo of their new child, and makes you use it in some boss fights, but even these are easier to kill than it is Barcelona to score against Accrington Stanley.

Then you have the humour, which seems about as funny being run over by a truck. It is constant slapstick humour, which would only entertain an idiotic American. And the characters never talk, and instead just make stupid faces, as if they have just seen a storm trooper giving a blowjob.

All the time you are doing this, you unlock points for killing things, fixing things, breaking things and smoking pot with Anakin Skywalker. You’re basically the world’s worst handyman. You then use these coins/points to unlock other Star Wars characters, who only the world’s biggest fan will ever have heard of, shame he probably never wants to go outside to tell us. You don’t even need to buy these characters anyway, they all pretty much follow the same 4 templates as each other, as if they have been cloned at the world’s most retarded cloning facility.

So what can I say about this game other than it is mind numbingly repetitive, if you have ever played any of the other games in this series, and I have, playing and kind of liking the original (it wasn’t a great game or anything, it was just quite different to what had been done before), then you know exactly the sort of things expected here, just as you can expect the storyline of the next Super Mario game.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Well I’m back, after having to take a break from talking about Sucker Punch to hit myself repeatedly in the face with a chair to try and get brain damage and making me forget about the crap which was in the name. I also now know why Zack Snyder (who I fucking hate, remember) decided to call this film Sucker Punch. The Sucker part is explain what you are for paying to go watch this film you idiot, and the punch part, well that’s what is running through your brain as something you want to Zack Snyder if you ever saw him.

So anyway back to the bin, I mean film. So after this extremely annoying clip where she’s killing some random samurais it turns out she has completed the dance superbly, and we are now introduced to some guy called Blue, which makes him sound like an awful boy band. Blue is the same guy as Dr Evil a-lot, except now he has a beard that all evil people have. He couldn’t appear more evil if he had tied a sign round his neck saying “I AM AN EVIL CUNT” and had a swastika tattooed onto his forehead.

And now it’s back to the girls, as Zack Snyder has no time to develop characters so instead must cut them off so we have more time to gawp madly at the girls. At this point we also have an argument which sounds like it would be said by 5 year olds in a playground. It basically is “Can we help her breakout”, “no, and you cannot breakout without me”, “wahwah but I want to” “ok then.”

They then write down five random objects, which they probably found out about by picking their names out of a hat, onto a blackboard. However as all the characters wouldn’t be considered smart in a preschool, they leave the names of the objects on the blackboard, probably under the title, Coincidental Plot Mover Forwarder. So there they go, hopping off joyfully to go and collect their objects.

The first one they have to pick up is a map, why I dunno considering they have just had a tour of this building TWICE. All the while this is happening the main character is hallucinating again, I don’t know what she is smoking but it’s some weird stuff. This time she is hallucinating Steampunk WW1 Germans, which makes as much sense to the story as if they had her hallucinate Robot Bunnies or Cuddly Nazis. IT MAKES NO SENSE, WHAT THE FUCK HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH A MAP. So the girls run through the trenches committing genocide on the German population. It doesn’t help that they didn’t really fight back though; they ran off faster than Usain Bolt on speed before realising, hey to kill these people we may need to attack them. Even then they don’t do anything helpful, and spend more time aiming at the girls than Gary Glitter spends looking at kids, so by the time they are about to shoot they’ve got five blades in their back. Soon enough they get the map for god knows why and leave the hallucination. Oh and they somehow shoot down a plane with a pistol as well WHAT THE FUCK, I HATE YOU ZACK SNYDER.

There is almost an identical scene for the next item they have to get, a lighter, except they basically take the backgrounds for the Lord of the Rings and put in a Lancaster Bomber. After this they give Dr Evil a-lot some more screen time, so what do they do, develop him more as a character, have him play My little Pony, show him being abused as a child which is why he’s doing this to the girls. No that’s just what a good film would do. Instead they make him even more evil for NO REASON. He just randomly goes and starts threatening the girls, what’s next guys’, giving him an evil lair shaped like a skull, with lava coming out of its mouth, while the words I’m an evil bastard are written in fire on the forehead.

Now for the final object, a kitchen knife, which they steal from the chef who looks like he's been pumped up by a bike pump powered by a jet engine. The hallucination for this scene is them trying to stop a bomb going off on a train protected by robots. So what are you trying to say then? A bomb is a metaphor for a knife? Is a Dead body also a metaphor for cuteness, maybe Hitler is a metaphor for loving Jews either way it makes more sense than this bullcrap. This whole scene is boring and nothing remotely different happens until the end, when one of the characters dies, shown by a bomb going off, but they actually died from being stabbed by the chef.

Dr Evil a-lot then walks in and sees this happening. So what does he do you may ask, well he does what every sane person would do an arrest the chef. No wait THAT'S WOULD A SANE PERSON WOULD HAVE DONE. Instead he actually takes the hot girls and tries to perform sexual fantasies with them that the weirdest teenage boy could only think of..... And then he shoots two of them, why you may ask, well I don’t know, maybe a tortoise told him to. It’s at this point that the film basically makes him give all the puppies in the world leukaemia, that’s how much of a bastard he is at this point.

The rest of this film is a blur to me; I may as well have watched it with my head cut off talking to a magic talking dolphin. I was sat next to Dan while watching it, and all I could do at this point was make sarcastic comments. The film makes less sense than a scene in an Indiana Jones film in which Indy starts shoving his cock into one of his artefacts before shooting Short Round in the face.

I was literally hitting my head against the chair in front of me by the end of the shit fest, which is about as exciting as watching dead grass grow. There are only two types of characters in this film, Fit and Stupid or extremely evil bastard and stupid. Somehow, even with roles as black and white as these the actors still could be played by scarecrows and it would make no difference whatsoever.

Their acting is at its worst when the movie tries making a bad scene. There performance is about as wooden as a wooden block being attached to another wooden block to make a big wooden block. There is no way it is possible to perform a heartfelt scene when the characters are addressing each other as Greenpea or Babybell.

And then you have the extremely stupid characters, for example one of policeman ask her if she’s ok AFTER SHE’S BEEN LOBOTOMISED. I may as well ask a lethargic onion what his favourite past time is. The enemies are also fucking retarded, they just wait for these 5 girls to run at them instead of you know, overpowering them with better weaponry and numbers. You could probably replace the enemies with toddlers and it would affect the film as much as a chicken in Australia will affect George Bush.

Oh and don’t get me started on the woman in this film. All Zack Snyder has done is choose the fittest girls and have men perform near rape fantasies on them to satisfy is inner pleasures and add nothing to the story at all except what is basically a large sign saying SOFTCORE PORN THIS WAY.... probably read by a panda. This just pissed me off, a lot of people, including some of the people who I went to watch the film with (except Dan, who got as annoyed at this film the same as me) said, when I asked why the film was great, that all the fit girls was the reason. FIT GIRLS DO NOT MAKE A FILM GREAT (unless it’s a porn film), A GOOD STORY MAKES A FILM GREAT, WITH GOOD ACTORS, NOT CHARACTERS MADE OUT OF LEGO. Then again the people who I watched this film with are the sort of people who would clap and laugh excitedly if they saw a street sign (no offence to them off course.)

Taken aback by the extreme awseomness of Dan's similar post I am also going to put one up detailing what blog posts I will be doing over the next few weeks. Actually I don't give a shit that he has already done one and i'm just doing this because I am more forgetful than a lobotomised Goldfish with ADD. So this is a list, go on, look at the list. LOOK AT THE LIST NOW GOD DAMMIT.

1. Sucker Punch review Part 22. Super Meat Boy3. Lego Star Wars 34. Black Ops, First Strike Map Pack5. How to improve Minecraft6. This space is left open for a review on Portal 2 or Crysis 2

Now I will also copy off him by explaining what each of these things are about in small scentences, now heres an introduction to that, blah de blah, blah de blah de blah, blah blah. Oh you want actual scentences, ok.

Sucker Punch- Well this is extremely self explanatory considering I have already part reviewed it. If you havn't worked this out yet your either as retarded as the enemies in this film or you have not read the previous review. READ IT NOW.

Super Meat Boy- This game is harder than a body builder watching porn, and has at times made me want to punch a hole im my computer screen.... With a brick, that has nails coming out of it.

Lego Star Wars 3- Self explanatory really. The only way I could actually like this game is if I had my brain removed by chipmunks while shooting Adolf Hitler in the ball as a monkey claps stupidly.

First Strike Map Pack- FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW.

How to Improve Minecraft- After buying Minecraft I enjoyed it for a while, but eventually it's fun wore off, and I found it a struggle to play anymore, so these are things which would make me intrested

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

You know those films which make you want to push the Director off of the highest building you can see. Well Sucker Punch is one of those films. In layman’s terms THIS FILM IS AWFUL, IT IS ONE OF THE WORST FILMS EVER. Whoever decided this film would be good must be one idiot, or have a fetish for Rape Fantasies. I hate you Zack Snyder. The film makes no sense, and seems to appeal to the demographic of teenage boys who wank until their cock bleeds, no sane person would enjoy this film until they have their brain removed by mice while high.

The film starts with possibly the most obviously evil man ever. Well he is a step parent, who are somewhere on the evil scale just under the British and above Communists. They may as well have him laugh manically while sat on a swirly chair stroking a cat. At the funeral of the mother of his step daughters (so his wife obviously) he gives that evil look which basically says “haha I will now rape you because your mothers dead, and after tea I will blow up the sun.” He then does that evil tie adjustment thing, not once, but twice, as if we haven’t realised already he is a bigger dick than Lord Voldermort on Viagra. So then we get a scene where he tries to rape these two girls, who we care about less than Hitler, and finally when one of them draws a gun on him, she shoots her sister. What is she, a worse shot than a brain dead James Bond enemy? Hell she’s not even aiming at the rapist, YOUR TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL SORRY FOR A MURDERER, WHAT'S NEXT, MAKING US FEEL SORRY FOR THE EMPORER IN STAR WARS, SAURON, THAT GUY WHO BLEW UP THE EARTH THAT ONE TIME. WHAT THE FUCK! But then again this scene has a much to do with the rest of the story as a monkey disco, so this all doesn’t matter. I HATE YOU ZACK SNYDER.

Well after that scene which tries to be noir but succeeds in the same way that Toy Story succeeded in being a slasher flick she gets sent to a corrupt asylum, because hey, their popping up all other the place nowadays. No he doesn’t take her to the police because she’s a fucking murderer, no he instead sends her to be lobotomised, as that’s what I would think to do if I knew Osama Bin Laden. This leads to the only bit of the film which makes even a little bit of sense and the introduction of Dr Evil a-lot, who leads this girl through the asylum in a scene which I couldn’t give a damn about until she is finally about to be lobotomised. Dum dum dum......

Wait no that’ll be a shit way to end the film, so instead we’ll have her hallucinate a Strip Club instead, how about at the same time we’ll have a pig hallucinate he’s on the death star as hey it fits in with the film as much as anything else. So then we get a scene almost exactly the fucking same as the previous one except 1. She’s being lead through a brothel, not an asylum, and 2. It introduces something which means something to the whole film, even though that thing his MORE FIT GURLS. Yes that's the whole plot of this film, FIT GURLS.

And then we get a dance scene, well it’s a dance scene in the same way that 50 Cent Blood on the Sand is a accurate representation of conflict in the middle east. Instead we actually get another hallucination, just to make this film make even less sense. On a sense o metre this is in line with a toucan smoking pot with Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. She is now teleported to feudal Japan, why you ask? I dunno, perhaps she’s been playing a lot of Shogun 2 while drunk. At this point she gets in a conversation with some guy we are supposed to know about but is in fact more a stranger to us than that guy who stalks you on the way home. This man gives Generic Hot Girl a gun and a samurai sword. All the while this is happening there are three giant samurai guards outside. No, they didn’t just attack her while she was distracted. No all the bad guys in this film are retarded fucks, the equivalent of a Call of Duty enemy on easy, so they just waited.

Then the first one runs up and kicks her, sending her flying through the building, somehow sending her flying back faster than a jet, yet when he hits her with his giant spear thing which looks like he chose to make up for him being less well endowed she just falls to the floor, like Zack Snyders attempts to make characters in this film. At that exact moment she must have taken some extremely strong steroids, as she randomly gains more strength than the hulk and slices the first one like a cucumber in a shredder.After seeing their comrade die, the next two rush her, killing her almost instantly with their brute strength. Well that’s what any sane person would do, but as this world seems to be populated by idiots the 2nd one randomly pulls out a minigun he just happened to have hiding down his pants while the 3rd goes to have a picnic or something. The 2nd wields the Minigun as wildly as George Bush wielded the US army and couldn’t hit a barn door from 5 cm’s away. As he sprays thousands of bullets at her none of them hit and soon she is standing on his neck, where she realises she has a gun and shoots him in the head. Not once, not twice but about 5 times. Who is she, a fucking crazed gunman.... oh.

The third then finishes his picnic and gets killed instantly, as if he had missed Samurai training 101, so that just leaves me with one thing. THIS SCENE PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN A CALL OF DUTY FANBOY WHO THINKS NO SCOPES ARE SKILL. It shows how basically everyone in the film is more retarded than the audience of a Justin Bieber concert. 1st thing the Samurais, I was almost yelling constantly why don’t they just rush her. There were more of them, they were stronger than her and they had weaponry which would make Kim Jong-il wank. But no, that would involve the directors and script writers having more than a single brain cell shared out between them and the character. The other thing which annoyed me in this scene was the fact that she doesn’t use the gun except for one time. Why not, it would have been easier to kill these idiots; especially as they seem like the sort of bad guy who would crap themselves at the site of a water pistol and run off screaming to their mother.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Sorry for not posting in a while (well i'm not sorry, who are you lot to make me write blog post) but I have been busy doing less than a depressed snail so here instead is a post I did with Dan for his blog, and regular services will resume shortly with a review on how god awful Sucker Punch was.

Dan: Well one decade is over, the years 2000-2010 saw a massive amount of great games, but an even greater amount of god-awful games. Today, me and John Smith will do yet another collaborated effort (I'm getting sick of that bastard) to discuss the 10 greatest games of the past decade, so at number 10, take it away John!

10. Morrowind (2002)!

John: Now you may be thinking Morrorwind, why Morrowind and not, say Oblivion. Well my first response would be to slap you steal your mastercard, shag your wife and shout at you "I'M THE GAMES REVIEWER. FUUUUUUCK OFFFF!" but then, while buying some aeroplane tickets with your mastercard to get out of the country I would think about your question and wonder why myself (can't wonder much, I got bored of Oblivion within 5 minutes, but lets gloss over that for this). Well first things first, Oblivion dosn't seem as rich in lore as Morrorwind and feels like there just barking orders at you to do stuff like an angry army general who got raped as a kid so is taking this out on you. You have no reason to do anything, and you don't even save the frigging world, it's the dead emperors son..... freeloading bastard, no wonder i went all texas chainsaw on a nearby church as soon as i got into the world. However the main reason is that Oblivion itself just feels like what it is.... A game, while Morrowind, it feels more like a world to explore, and that is why I am still doing.

9. Rome: Total War (2004)!

John: Rome Total War, the moment the Total War series hit superiority before it collapsed like a flower being squashed an elephant holding a brick (no matter what Dan says about how he thinks Medieval 2 was better, it was a good game, but no better than this.) Now to people like me Shogun and the first Medieval game where good, but not like this. Then you have Empire and Napoleon, but you can't really blame Rome Total War for those, thats like blaming a Cambridge Professor for his great great grandson being a drug taking, alcoholic who shoves his head up camesls arses for no reason. The Game itself also allowed me to try new things such as, Who would win in a fight, Snoopy, Dumbo or Crispy Bacon (it was the Pigs) or could Britain conquor the world centuries to early. I regularly go back to playing this game, and now over to Dan to tell us more. STOP DROOLING OVER THE BACON!

Dan: Yes, as John says this is not my favourite game in the Total War series, but that doesn't stop it being better than rolling around on a pile of women and money. Yes the AI is dreadful, but that makes it hilarious at times. Like when an enemy army outnumbers me so many times over that it was the equivilent to a right wing person in a History lesson (all my History lessons are so left-wing they might as well teach us: "Fuck Hitler, go Stalin!") and instead of attacking me they just continually reposition their men, giving me time to grind them down with archers. Anyway it has a solid campaigns, involving battles and started off how the Total War series should always be forever. Now, then to revise History. Hmmm, conservatism is shit, go liberalism! There, done.

8. Resident Evil 4 (2005)!

Dan: Right well, my favourite and the ONLY good game in the Resident Evil franchise. This series made me think, wow and I thought that Saw was bad for sequels (you know, like it wasn't shit enough the first fucking time), look at this Resident Evil list! Then roughly 2 years ago, I bought Resident Evil 5, and I liked it. What initially pissed me off about it was the accused racism (which wasn't as bad as Left 4 Dead 2, some guy called it racist because you kill one black zombie among the few million white ones you just blasted apart). Eventually I realised how shit it was, and bought Resident Evil 4. Unfortunately I bought it on the Wii, but that is a different story. Immediately I thought "fuck me, this is great!" when the Spanish (shush! Don't tell anyone I said that) village I was in suddenly went all cannibal on me, and I desperately ran around blasting zombies in the face, then kicking them away with all the force that puffy haired, must-have-legs-made-of-titanium (because he can take a bear trap to the leg and just walk it off, in real life he'd have no leg to walk it off with), unlucky fool Leon Kennedy. Yes, Ashley's cries of help are so annoying I often let her die with the sound turned down to satisfy my anger, but this is one hell of a game.

7. Beyond Good and Evil (2003)!

John: Beyond Good and Evil, one of the most painfully underrated games of all time, the fact people haven’t heard of it makes me want to bang my head against a wall constantly until I’m bleeding and I can’t remember my own name (it’s even worse when they haven’t heard of Half Life, but that's the console lot for you), it had everything you could ever wish for in a game. Diverse game play which is so diverse it feels the opposite of Saudi Arabia or the Call of Duty series, great visuals and soundtrack and extremely good characters, like a giant pig called Pey’j who would probably make great bacon. However it could hold an award for its actual achievement. It was released on all major consoles to great reviews but somehow managed to fall faster than a guys with an anvil on his back rather than a parachute, on top of a whale. Why was this, maybe the lack of advertisement, or that it was released by an unknown company? However if you did play it, it takes all the good parts out of Zelda, and murders all the awful parts by putting it into a blender and allowing it to be squashed by a truck. It was hugely accessible, and allowed you to play the game in any way you wished, except the way in which you shout the world is going to end, and place the console on your head to stop the aliens from reading your mind after you’ve exploded the TV with a nuclear missile. Play this game now or I’ll personally come round to your house and blow it up with my army of exploding topiary bushes shaped like penises off of Minecraft.

6. Metal Gear Solid 3 (2004)!

The Metal Gear Solid series, the gaming series which sounds as a whole, along with most of the characters, like one huge Sexual Metaphor. SOLID Snake hahaha. (Then again, have you ever played Call of Duty 2: Big Red One? Badly chosen title there, it makes it sound like you’re playing as a swollen bell end where you go around slapping people to death with it.) And that’s just the title, but no, it still didn’t put people off, so to try even harder to put people off playing this series, Hideo Kojima decided to put cut scenes into the game which you would only be able to watch if you have no job so instead spend all day masturbating over men crawling around in mud, while thinking about ways you can blow puppies up with nukes, kinda like George Bush. However, this still didn’t make the game awful and instead, underneath all these long cut scenes, they made one of my favourite game series of all time, the best being Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Yes it has a name that seems even more of a sexual metaphor than the rest of this series... Hahaha Snake Eater, that could mean blowjob hahaha... are jokes that mainly are thrown around like stones in Iran at a lesbian woman without a veil, however a name doesn’t make a game does it (unless it has the words Call of Duty in it) so let’s ignore that and concentrate on the game, and boy it is good with its survival game play. You need to change your Camouflage to fit in with the nearby surroundings (unlike MGS’ 4, which game me Octo Camo, a suit which makes you look like a Porn star with leather fetishes.) You also had to kill animals to eat and restore stamina (even snakes *snigger*), while you need to treat his injuries to be able to get to full health. Plus it doesn’t have Raiden, that wimpy girly cunt who looks like he’s just stepped out of ballet. In MGS 4 he even makes Cyborg Ninjas look like they would enjoy a Justin Bieber concert in Brighton. I can’t remember a game where I wish to play as somebody who would rather wave a rainbow flag instead of his enemies now red, surrender flag.

5. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)!

Dan: Well 3 words sum up how great this game is: nuke, ghillie and multiplayer. Since John is taking the last one, I'll start with the first two. The campaign of this game is so compelling, even though it sounds like the most generic plot ever, so generic is could rival "hello" when you see someone. The plot revolves around Arab Terrorists, Russian communists and nuclear weapons. That sentence alone would nowadays put me off these games, like Call of Duty Black Ops where you can fight the dream American enemies all in one game: Communists, Vietnamese, British and Nazis. The only thing that's missing is a starting level in Afghanistan. Anyway this was the game that revolutionised Call of Duty and made it what it is today. Call of Duty 3 was awful but no one had ever heard of it, so that's alright. When CoD 4 came along it was beyond awesome, (particularly the nuke scene, I mean it could only have been more awesome if some naked lesbians were having sex and you got to crawl towards THEM in your dying breath) but then CoD went downhill again, as Treyarch developed the next game. Fuck, Treyarch's development must include: buy a copy of Call of Duty 4 (or rent, we're on a tight budget! You know, because we're FUCKING SHIT!), change the graphics a little to change it to a WW2 Pacific setting, then release it brand new. But I'm getting off topic. The reason the word Ghillie is on their is because of the brilliant sniping mission where stealth is your only chance of survival (unless you're on Recruit, in which case it's a bit like playing the Heavy on Team Fortress 2 against a load of idiots who don't know the controls). So to sum up, Call of Duty 4 is incredible. Over to John.

John: Call of Duty 4, or Call of Duty Before they got Shit, is obviously great and, unlike most FPS with the words Call of Duty or Medal of Honor (it’s Honour cunts) shoehorned on the front like a stripper in a physics video to get the men’s attention half way through, this has a story, not a corridor to walk down while a load of Americans wank themselves over guns before a finale were Sergeant Awesome Mcapplepie Washington Bush sticks a large American flag into the British, Nazi, Communist, Muslim’s body while Star Spangled Banner plays over the top. This, however, has all the Americans die off in the middle after they all spunk over how awesome they are causing the largest explosion in the history of awesomeness (created circa 1776 with the declaration of independence), actually no, they all die because there all retards and there trying to be heroic when instead there just stupid, and shagging a nuke, unlike the British. And now I’ve realised I’ve taken up way to much of this talking about random things instead of the multiplayer, so I’ll say, it was ok, better than the rest of the Call of Duty’s, however this still feels like a run down a long, dark tunnel with a bright light at the other end. In Layman’s terms, You Walk in, you walk out 10 days later no better off. Anyway, to wrap this up, at least the online is balanced, unlike the kill streaks on Modern Warfare 2 onwards, which punishes noobs for being noobs until they quit as it is less balanced than a man with one leg, on a Half Life see saw holding Jabba the Hutt.

4. Armed and Dangerous (2003)!

Dan: OK, this was never going to win any awards but this is an incredible game. Just like John's Beyond Good and Evil review, this game is criminally underrated. Wait a minute, you may say with your stupid hat on and your jeans half way down your arse (I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!), if Armed and Dangerous wouldn't win any awards then why is it on this list? The reason is simple: it's hilarious. It's the funniest game I've ever played in my life, by far. It makes Portal look like a Friedberg and Seltzer film. OK the gameplay is average and there isn't a huge variety of enemies but the story takes the piss out of itself in a way that makes me think "wow I love this game". I mean come on the Land-Shark gun? A gun that fires sharks that eat enemies from under the ground? And the World's Smallest Black Hole that is sort of self explanatory? These two things alone are so funny and awesome that Armed and Dangerous is an incredible game.

3. World Of Warcraft (2004)!

John: World of Warcraft, the soul sucking game which has probably ravaged the world more than a nuclear holocaust started by cats. It’s more addictive than a blended mix of heroin and cocaine seasoned with tobacco and being smoked by two naked lesbians who want a threesome, however, at one time this game would probably have been my favourite of all time. Yes it grinds more than a rock crusher with a chainsaw up its exhaust because for some reason it feels you haven’t had enough fun killing 9 of these fucking creatures already so you have to kill 1 more. It makes you feel like a serial killer working at a butchers. The whole game leaves your life about as beneficial as a polar bear in Afghanistan without a bomb. However, even though there are all these minor complaints, the game itself is actually more fun than a bath filled with money and laser weapons. They constantly add more content, and have made there more to do than in my actual life, which involves sitting on a chair writing these reviews for fuck knows who. They have steadily made it easier and the content more varied as updates are released. Especially now with Cataclysm, where they also introduce two new races, including Goblins which are basically just gnomes spray painted green and genetically modified to have big ears. They get to start off driving about in a theme park created by some engineer on crack, while the other new race are the Worgen, which seem to be populated by chimney sweeps who love Twilight, so I’m surprised they haven’t got names such as Edward, Starshine or Winky Dick. All in all, I love this game, particularly now when I don’t need to collect 10 of everything and could probably blow up the sun instead. I don’t play it anymore though, so this makes me kind of hypocritical.

Dan: The biggest problem I have with WoW is the stereotypes everyone associates with it. This guy plays WoW? WOW WHAT A LOSER HAHA! Isn't WoW that game that's killed LOADS of people? etc. etc. The actual game is spectacular, but the stereotypes have been forced into my skull so often by everyone (except the people who play WoW funnily enough) I always feel guilty when playing. Since John has pretty much said exactly what I feel about this game, the bastard, I'll just have a laugh at the controversies attached to it. WoW is a diamond for all the stupid fucking video game hating twats as it can be so addictive it has killed quite a few people. Now while they pretend to be outraged by this, I try to stop myself pissing with laughter, I mean come on, anyone who plays WoW that much must have a daily routine of: Play WoW, change adult nappy, grope to the side for peanuts, play Wow, pass out from exhaustion, come around, play WoW. Anyone who lives like that deserves to die. As you can probably tell by now, I'm struggling for things to say, so I'll rap it up here and move on to my favourite game of all time (but not the game of the decade).

2. Halo: Combat Evolved! (2001)

Dan: Words cannot describe how I feel about this game. To come even close I'd need to be mid-orgasm at the time, and since that can't happen right now, I'll just talk about different parts. The game's story is extremely original and compelling, but you will probably never hear this from anyone else except me, because... well because its the same storyline that was in Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST and Halo: Reach used it. Halo: Combat Evolved was the first and best Halo game, breathtaking gameplay for its time, wah wah the graphics were shit WELL GRAPHICS DON'T FUCKING MATTER DO THEY!?! A few minor complaints include the sometimes crap weapons, like the needler, that looks so badass at first its ass must have been sent to jail fifty times and had an ass the size of Jupiter, the needler turns out to sound like a anxious nerd trying to ask a giant wrestler where the Warhammer models are and does about as much damage as flicking peas at the enemy. To finish off, everything in the game blends together perfectly, the vehicle sections, the story, the enemies, the different environments, they all combine together to create something that became my favourite game ever. However, even though it is my favourite game, that does NOT mean it is the best game of the decade, as that is what follows:

1. Half-Life 2!

John: Half Life 2, ah Half life 2, one of the true loves in my life, like an American and Cheeseburgers. It is easily the greatest game of the last decade and perhaps all time (maybe Deus Ex, but I’ve not played that because well... I don’t know why I’ve not played it; it’s been on my computer for years.) Anyway back to Half Life 2 and just talking about it turns me into a gibbering husk bla blue de dah. YOU MONSTERS, YOU’VE JUST MADE ME BRAIN DEA... oh I’m fine. So, the graphics have aged extremely well, like an old woman addicted to Botox and still feel like they could stand up with most modern games artistically. The game is extremely fun to play through still, with its variation of enemies and puzzles, which aren’t too hard but also don’t treat you like a retard that is using his dunce cap instead of his gun. The storyline also still feels as new as a dog which can breathe fire from his mouth, and as crisp to. It is easily the best I’ve ever played in any game, especially compared to the “realistic” shooters of modern times, which consist of Bang Bang, Shoot Shoot NOW LOOK AT OUR MULTIPLAYER. It really dragged me into the story, except Gordon Freeman’s muteness, they could have offered to wax his chest as he flew into the sun and they would still have seen it as him agreeing. Perhaps he has a large palette of facial expressions. Even the best game has some faults though, such as the endless use of Headcrabs, yes we get it guys there the most popular alien WE DON’T NEED THEM CONSTANTLY. It’s like the design meeting of some level consisted of “How could we improve this level, oh I know, put another headcrab round this corner because that's never been done before.” They also use Seesaw puzzles every few seconds as well; I’ve completed more see saws than a playground planner. However it still comes through these faults and is the best game of the decade. Plus Antlions, antlions are cool. It makes me feel like Napoleon.... if he had access to aliens. Napoleon would have won with Antlions.

Dan: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG MUM GET ME A TOWEL...! I love this game. I love it. The pacing is incredible, I think it has the best pacing I've ever seen in a game, the opening levels bring you into the story and gradually build up, leaving you wanting more even after that fucking Ravenholm level. Anyway the climax of the game is breathtakingly brilliant, thanks to the pacing that leaves it easily the best part of the game. In a lot of ways, Half Life 2 is like sexual intercourse. It starts off slow and feels good, but then gets faster and faster and better and better until it climaxes, and seminal fluid sprays everywhere. Well the analogy broke down there but you get the general gist of it. As for bad points, I guess you could say the Ravenholm level, but deep down I actually see how that is pretty good level, it mixes up the normal gameplay considerably. Sure it's unbelievably annoying when a zombie pushes you off a ledge you spent half an hour getting to but... well I'm not sure where I'm going with this. The major annoyance in the game are the FUCKING loading screens. They come everytime there's a lull in the game where nothing is really going on and make it so everything stops suddenly, not very good in immersion terms. What's worse is they last for about 15 seconds, which isn't as bad as some PS3 games but is bad enough to make me cry out with frustration by the end of it. These however are tolerable compared to the epicness of the majesty of the brilliance of the... you know what who cares what I think GET THIS GAME RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW N...