Ain’t No Party Like An NRA Party ‘Cause At An NRA Party People Wave Guns Around Like A Bunch Of Jackasses, And Other Gun News

Over the weekend the National Rifle Association held its annual Gun Fetishization and Circle Jerk for Dim-Bulb Paranoids. The lucky host city was Indianapolis, which saw itself invaded by 70,000 armed lunatics for three days of strutting jingoism and fear-mongering. Ghoulish death-head Wayne LaPierre showed up to give the very same speech that he gave at CPAC last month, which seems appropriate, since the NRA convention is basically CPAC with weaponry. Towards the end of the speech, LaPierre showed a television commercial that has to be seen to be believed (It starts at about 17:05 in the above video). As a bonus, it stars Wonkette favorite Mr. Colion Noir, who we are sad to see has yet to find a director who can get him to tone down the overly dramatic line readings.

Did you feel it? Do you believe in America again?

After LaPierre, the usual band of shitwitted politicians took to the podium to pander to this armed band of donkey-fucking nut bags. Mitch McConnell popped by, though apparently he left the Revolutionary War musket he showed off at CPAC at home. Quite a few of the potential losers to Hillary Clinton in 2016 made speeches, including Mike Pence, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum and Bobby Jindal, because when you think of manly gun-toting tough guys, you definitely think of the Hindu version of Kenneth the Page.

The greatest speech of the weekend belonged to Sarah Palin, the Dipshit of Denali herself, who popped by to tell everyone that if she were in charge, “waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.” Remembering that she is not in fact in charge of anything, sphincters across the country immediately unclenched.

One 72-year-old heartbeat away from the presidency. John McCain should never be allowed to make any decision about anything ever after that one. Cindy shouldn’t even let him decide what flavor pudding he gets to gum down for dinner.

We wonder if it occurred to even one of the 70,000 barking seals in attendance that the NRA convention is basically just a big weekend for gun manufacturers to separate even more of the rubes from even more of their money. Wrapping it in a veneer of rah-rah patriotism about taking back the streets from the thugs and criminals, or taking back the country from the people who gave us Solyndra and Benghazi (no really, those were mentioned) does not change that.

For an example of what the NRA hath wrought after years and years of this paranoid insanity, we look no further than a story out of Georgia last week. It seems that one patriot, excited over the state’s passing that “Guns Everywhere” law, couldn’t wait to tell all his liberal fascist neighbors that he would now be strapped all the time, so stick that in your pipes and smoke it, libtards! For an extra soupcon of dickishness, the Georgia man decided to make sure all the small children at the neighborhood Little League field knew it too.

“Anyone who was just walking by – you had parents and children coming in for the game – and he’s just standing here, walking around [saying] ‘You want to see my gun? Look, I got a gun and there’s nothing you can do about it.’ He knew he was frightening people. He knew exactly what he was doing,” said parent Karen Rabb.

All together now: he seems nice.

Back in Indianapolis, a small group of protestors affiliated with Moms Demand Action and Everytown, which is Michael Bloomberg’s new gun control group, bravely put in an appearance outside the NRA convention. This was very upsetting to the gun fondlers, who fear the radical Moms Demand agenda of background checks, suicide prevention, domestic violence and safe storage of guns so that fewer toddlers will keep shooting each other. Advocating for such issues is apparently considered “bullying” by the gun nuts. Which we find hilarious, considering the above story from Georgia or this one about a sales executive in L.A. trying to sell a line of so-called “smart guns.” Her efforts to sell guns that can only be fired by their actual owners have led to a campaign of harassment that includes posting pictures of the address where she keeps a P.O. box online.

The unarmed are always bullying the armed. Everyone knows this.

The gun nuts were also very contemptuous of Moms Demand Action founder Shannon Watts, who apparently had an armed security detail with her, which apparently makes her a hypocrite. Yr Wonkette thinks that if we were going to advocate for gun control in the middle of 70,000 armed, easily angered jerks, and if we had been the target of the kind of invective that has been hurled at Watts since she founded her group, we would want armed security as well. That doesn’t make Shannon Watts a hypocrite. It makes her smart.

In Indianapolis Watts had a run-in with howling rage harpy Dana Loesch, of whom she has run afoul for a variety of reasons, including apparently calling Loesch a “paid shill” of Magpul Industries, the gun manufacturer that fled Colorado last year after that state imposed some new gun-control laws. Loesch claims she has never been employed by Magpul and has been after Watts for months demanding an apology for this vicious lie. What yr Wonkette finds entertaining about this little argument is that last summer we wrote about a rally Magpul participated in just before Colorado’s new laws went into effect, at which the company handed out hundreds of its 30-round magazines that were about to become illegal. Magpul flew these magazines to the rally by helicopter, along with a noted anti-gun-control advocate by the name of…Dana Loesch! Dana even took two of Magpul’s magazines home with her and named them “Piers” and “Morgan.” Most parents would just get their kids a couple of goldfish.

Anyway, we suppose any appearance fee paid to Dana came from the rally’s organizers and not from Magpul. Or maybe Dana didn’t get an appearance fee at all so she could remain a pure and uncorrupted spokeswoman for her civil right to stroke a gun anywhere and anytime she wants. Yr Wonkette is of the opinion that flying into a gun rally with several crates of Magpul products, speaking at that rally and then taking two of the products home and bragging about them meets the definition of the word “shilling.” And also that Dana Loesch is dumber than a bag of gun hammers.

So you hang in there, Shannon Watts and Moms Demand Action. If you’ve got the gun nuts frothing at the mouth this hard, you must be doing something right.

Gary is a freelance writer. In addition to Wonkette, his byline has appeared at Salon, The Daily Beast and Alternet, among others. He currently splits his time between Connecticut and Virginia and is sure the 2016 election will kill him.