Throughout this letter I’m going to use something called sarcasm. Unfamiliar? Read this. Many people hate Kristen Stewart because they are sadface that she is (apparently) with Robert Pattinson. I am one of them. I cannot judge Kristen Stewart fairly without thinking of her with Robert Pattinson. She does a commercial for cat litter and surrounds herself with 18 little white kittens? I hate it because all I can think about is how she gets to do Rob Pattinson after she gets to play with all those adorable kittens. In Adventureland she does a sex scene with a douche-bag married to a Woody Allen darling? She is an automatic awful fake movie sexer because she’s having the real sex with Rob Pattinson. Remember, Read this if you have any questions.

Dear Twilosophy Debate Class 101,

Today we’re going to have a healthy debate. Any questions?

Why are you opening THIS can of worms when we have had peace on LTT for awhile and Robsteners/Nonsteners/Swiftners/Non-Swiftnerers (Wait a second- WHO could be a Non-Swiftnerer? Seriously? Have you seen these two? So freakin’ adorable) have been getting along?

Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and when I think of stuff I like to share it with the LTT community. Also KStew411 tweeted this amazing video and I really needed a reason to post it

The beginning

Kristen and I had a rocky beginning. First of all she kissed Adam Brody in In the Land of Women, and that’s when I knew I would hate her for eternity. Plus that movie sucked and that pains me to say because I heart Adam Brody something fierce. I remember being very underwhelmed by all the performances in that movie, not just Kristen’s. I’ll have to break it out again to decide for sure what I think of her specifically, but I’d rather die than do that. So let’s just leave it at that.

Bitch! Seriously, I'll facepunch you so hard....

And then came Twilight. I walked away consumed with the desire to FACE PUNCH her except I didn’t know it was that desire since FACE PUNCH doesn’t get referenced until New Moon. “SHE gets to DO Rob Pattinson!?” I thought. (Except I didn’t think that since I didn’t think they were DOING it then since I was underwhelmed by their on-screen chemistry and knew nothing of the off screen rumors.) I was confused. I thought her casting was SPOT ON for the character of Bella. But her portrayal of Bella….? Well, it took me awhile to put it into words, but let’s just leave it at- I wasn’t so crazy about it. (Refer to the above video for many of the reasons why)

New Moon

I feared a Twilight repeat. I did. So much of that movie hinged on Kristen’s ability to make us believe in her pain. I came away from that midnight showing really happy with what I saw! I believed her! I felt her loss. I even shed a tear or two even though I knew that Edward would eventually come back and then they’d have some awesome make-out scenes complete with an EPIC Leg Hitch (Don’t do it and DIE, David Slade) and would eventually skinny-dip in the ocean after which they’d do it in probably the most talked about fade-to-black scene ever written, finally resulting in the birth of a half-human, half-vampire genius-child who would be imprinted upon by a werewolf. I cried even though I knew that would happen. (Actually, that’s probably why I cried. Couldn’t he just STAY and give her amazing birthday sex?) Also I didn’t cry until Lykke Li’s “Possibility” came on because I feel emotions through music. Plus, Kristen had my FAVORITE line in all of New Moon. Listen for it here in this clip, courtesy of Brookelockart’s pirated copy of the movie:

Click for awesomeness

So… why the sudden change of heart towards Kristen? Were my expectations SO low for the movie that surpassing them wasn’t that hard to do (That’s actually possible) Did she REALLY step it up a notch this movie? Was Chris Weitz a better director for her? Clearly I just forgot that she was banging Rob with his absence. Instead I thought about flowers, kittens and Swiftner. Or maybe Stewner- yes… that’s right! While watching the movie I invented, in my mind, a real relationship between Kristen & Taylor. She makes him homemade protein shakes while he improves his pectoral muscles. It’s a beautiful relationship. And an obvious one. How else would she know that Taylor carries around little baggies of meat patties? You know, I bet Kristen even bags Tay’s meat patties for him in NAME-BRAND baggies. She loves him that much. Best of all Rob is single & Taylor Swift writes an amazing break-up song that brings me to tears until the end when a wolf is mauled to death by a bear (because afterall, Kristen let us in on a little secret- “They’re Not Bears“) Continue…

Did you about DIE when you saw who went out to dinner last night? Yep- Emile Hirsch (your co-star in Into the Wild, of course) and Robert Pattinson (your lover uh special friend?) You were probably shakin’ in your fugly hipster shoes, wondering what they were talking about, right? Don’t worry… we sent our spies in with a tape recorder and they caught the entire conversation. Enjoy!

Love,
UnintendedChoice and theMoonisDown

Scene: In a dimly lit restaurant called Michaelangelo in Cannes, France. Emile Hirsch sits across from Robert Pattinson. Rob picks up his fork and puts a ravioli in his mouth. Emile picks up his fork, like he’s about to indulge in a piece of chicken parm, but stops and says,

Emile: So how you likin’ Kristen? The girl can hang, ifyouknowwhati’msayin’
Rob: (almost choking, realizing the conversation they’re about to have…) Uh, she’s great. We’re good friends. How did you like working with her?
Emile: Well man, to tell you the truth, she knows how she wants it to be done. We had to take our time on everything. “Slow and easy wins the race” was her motto
Rob: Really? she was more timid with me. Allowed me to lead
Emile: WOW we must be talking a different gal cause she was insane. Always commanding me how to do it and which way was best. Fast, slow, again- time after time. Totally wore me out
Rob: (somewhat defensively) Well, I mean.. I see saw that side of her…. especially when she was drinking… she got a little aggressive.
Emile: you guys drank on the job?
Rob: (a little confused) Uh, we did one time.. It was someone’s birthday, I think….
Emile: Well we didn’t drink. It was natural every time. She wanted to remember everything- be “totally in the moment,” she said
Rob: (obviously hurt b/c Kristen must’ve been drank a lot) I think being drunk loosened her up… I mean… she said it was fun.. but maybe… I dunno… maybe she….
Emile: (cutting Rob off) Wow, man! This sounds like a totally different Kristen, every time we were in front of cameras she brought her A game
Rob: She let you use a camera? I tried that once, but she freaked out- something about something that happened with Paris Hilton one time
Emile: (blank scare… and silence….. )
Rob: (awkward rambling now) It was a good thing anyway, because then Oregano knocked on the hotel door… and she flipped out and couldn’t find her clothes. which was ironic because it was her first time doing it completely naked- she usually keeps at least one article of clothing on.. she claims it’s some sort of “protection” thing.. (although I really just think she’s a “never nude”) It was a mess dude. Taught me to never eff your costars!
Emile: (silence) Uh wait, what are we talking about here?
Rob: uh… hooking up with Kristen?
Emile: (silence)
Rob: (sensing his discomfort) I mean, I didn’t know for sure that you guys did.. She never told me- she doesn’t talk about her exes like that (well, except for Oregano) so when you started talking about it, I just rolled with it and pretended I knew… sorry… It’s kinda awkward isn’t it? Wondering if she compared us…. I mean-
Emile: (cutting Rob off) Dude, you asked me about working with Kristen. I was just talking about acting with her!
Rob: Uh, what? Ummm. Hmm?… oh look- there’s a Russian chick with big boobs…!

Welcome to our first LTT “Role Play.” Don’t worry, we DID joke about putting on lingere and said “let’s cyber” at least 3 times. And we even have a “safe word” (cinnamon). Also- we felt way 2nd hand embarrassed, yet we suffered through it- because that’s what good bloggers do- role play awkward situations between two somewhat sorta greasy actors….

After the break see an amazing video of Emile & Rob. Watch out! It’s really amazing: