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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Hello life. Where's my soundtrack?

I have done this thing all my life. I try to imagine songs that I would add to a playlist of any Epic Saga/Romantic Comedy/Long Drawn Out Tragedy kind of day. And sometimes on a car trip my sis and I have a memory lane moment and just blast music and reminisce. Last night we did this and it was just what I needed. Because yesterday was really hard. Early Interventions was really difficult to watch. Things are progressing into painfully obvious territory as far as skills go. I am having really deep feelings about my son and where he stands in the land of developmental normalcy. I am having thoughts and questions that I am not sure anyone has answers for. This. Is. Hard.

It's one of those times in life that makes everything else that had seemed really pressing and crucial, feel completely stupid. I have work, Hubs has work, Hal has school break coming up, we have co-parent conflict, we have bills to pay, and none of it matters. All of it is on autopilot. It will all be what it will be. But Aidan is important. And on the tippy top of my list. And I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day for him to get every opportunity to grow and adjust and learn. I want that light bulb moment so bad I could scream. I just want to watch it happen and for everything to click into place. And life to start feeling more "average" and "normal". My soundtrack right now is pretty amazing though. Major journey of emotions.

This sounds over the top even as I type it out. The older he gets the more I am scared. I am terrified I can't keep him safe. He doesn't self govern his actions with any cause and effect learning curve. He isn't afraid of anything ( other than Bon's nutcracker collection. He thinks those are way creepy). Too brave, too big, no words, no response to any urgency or danger voiced by us. I am absolutely worried that I can't protect him from something horrible. Pretty heavy thoughts I know. I am dying for that secret key of wisdom that just unlocks all of these issues. Un-riddle it all. I am completely aware that kind of want is not productive and can be depressing. But I am choosing to stay optimistic and exhaust all resources, not get sidelined by Voldemort drama or derailed by politics or thrown off track by things that don't matter. You cannot be a thinker like me and not have a worried wayward thought of the future. No matter how unpredictable and off the charts it all may seem. It is impossible. I just refuse to let the worry become neurotic and incessant. Because that's what makes people crazy. This set of problems forces our house to live in reality without a lot of fluff. But we can still choose to let it break us or not.

Right now he is in the process of some evaluations that will determine his placement. Educational groups and small classes are on the horizon. OT levels of need are being assessed. And his patience and obedience is really being put to the test. We are learning new tools and processes to use as a family, that will pull him and force growth. Challenging him to talk hopefully. Big sis has her own special books and tips and assignments that the EI teachers give her and I don't think I have ever seen her feel this important. She is full of pride for her brother and insistent on being involved. I think she is a lot like me there so I am proud to watch her soak up instructions from the teachers like a sponge. She wants to know what she can do to help with his evolution and be instrumental. It hurts her too to see him frustrated and struggling with language and she doesn't give up. So much patience and selflessness from a 10 year old. Unconditional love for her little best friend. He is a very lucky kid and I can't picture where he would be without her.

So I am waving my flag of defeat to the December everyday blog challenge. I blew it. Missed a week almost. But I will continue to try. When I can. When life gives me the moments.