The day before JS came over for dinner night in I asked him why someone that much younger. At first he said he hadn’t thought about it and asked me, “Why does it bother you for some reason?” Umm F*ck yes it does, is what I really wanted to say but instead I told him I was just curious and that I have another guy friend who is dating someone 12 years younger than himself (this is true). JS told me he hadn’t thought about it but he finds that 40-something women don’t want to date. I almost had to laugh when I got that message. What 40-something women is he talking to? Obviously not single ones. So I asked him if he meant more casual dating. Honestly that is what I was thinking he meant but he said, “Not necessarily, just in general”. Then I said I am sure there are some and even older 30-somethings that do but as long as you are happy. After that I switched to talking about what time he was coming over the next day.

That Friday he came over and things were awkward. I didn’t notice it right away but as the night went on I did. It wasn’t anything he said or did, it was the fact he wasn’t saying much of anything. We had dinner, he took the plates into the kitchen and when we were ready for dessert, he plated it up and served it. We watched a movie and then watched one of the TV shows I have on DVD. He asked me about a couple of characters on the show and we even laughed a bit. There was one instance when his phone vibrated but he took it out of his pocket, turned it off and put it back in his pocket. When he went to leave I gave him a hug like I usually do and he was weird about that. He even hesitated a bit before he walked out the door.

I thought about it more after he left and asked him if everything was okay because he was so quiet.An hour and a half later he finally responding he said he was okay but it is frustrating getting a question like that while he was on his way home and wouldn’t it be better to ask him that before he left or the next time I see him. I told him I wasn’t trying to frustrate him and I thought about it after he left. Then no response all weekend.

That Monday I asked him if he ever got a call about the item he lost when we went to the amusement park and also about the midnight showing of an upcoming movie. He told me he is pretty busy these days and if I wanted to make other plans that was okay. So I suggested going sometime over opening weekend and also asked him if actually meant he didn’t have time to go with me at all. He told me he would let me know but pretty sure the midnight showing was a no-go. Okay why didn’t he say that in the first place. Why all of the beating around the bush? Then I told him it was good I asked him that question on Friday because it sounds like I won’t see him for a while. No response. I was able to find someone to go with me for opening weekend of the movie and told JS that the next day. Again no response.

After talking with friends about it I got a few thoughts on what is going on: there is trouble in paradise with the new girl, he wanted to talk to me about something or he wanted to start something with me.

I realize that I haven’t posted since my birthday last month and a few things have happened since then.

School has been busy, my screenwriting class is exciting and we had to turn in our short outline/pitch for our screenplay idea. The idea is visually forming in my head which makes it exciting. I also met someone and we had two dates, even though after each one I was wondering if he liked me or not. I could be honest with him and found out he is just very shy.

Then the big scare happened. I was coming back from school and a quick run to Target and my chest started to hurt. I though maybe it was from carrying my backpack and shopping back or even heartburn. I spent the night relaxing and even had a healthy salad for dinner. The pain was not lessening at all and spread into my right armpit and neck. Now I was getting worried. I called the on-call nurse and she recommended I call 911. The paramedics came, ran some tests and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I decided it is better to be safe than sorry. I went in, they did lab work and x-rays but couldn’t find anything. I also went in for the fun treadmill stress test and everything there was good. Doctor has said everything was fine and just might have been stress or exhaustion.

I did get to see M before he possibly leaves for the next nine months. It was good to see him after the big scare because it made me feel even better.

Then that guy I went on two dates with, cancelled on me 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet up for our third date. He told me he just wasn’t feeling it and apologized. I made sure to tell him it was pretty crappy to cancel on me with such short notice and he should have said something sooner. He said he just wanted friendship. But I haven’t talked to him since and have no plans to.

The even bigger news is I will be having a new website coming soon. My graphic designer just finished my logo and it looks great. Let me know what you think!

…unless you have a very, very good reason. After JS and I had the talk in March and he told me he thought of us as friends with benefits, he tried to cancel on me twice. One time he told me he got a text about a birthday party he ought to go to and wanted to know if we could go out the day before we had planned. He told me this two days before we were to go out. I told him I had plans, which I did. He ended up keeping the plans with me and not going to the birthday party. The second time, he told me he had been sick all day and was going to go home and rest. He texted me this at the time he was to be leaving work and heading to my place to pick me up. The worst part was we had been texting three hours prior to that and he never said anything about being sick.

Then there is today. We had originally planned to go to an event on Saturday. It was all planned and then Friday afternoon I got an email from the event planners saying they had to postpone the event until sometime next year, due to weather and power outages. There was no getting around it. I let JS know and suggested we do something else during that time. I threw out some suggestions and he said he should go into work but suggested we do one of my suggestions, bowling, on Sunday afternoon. He said he would come pick me up. I was looking forward to Sunday afternoon because not only has it been a while since we have done something on a Sunday but also because we haven’t been bowling since the second week of knowing each other. I got everything I needed to get done and was relaxing while watching football until I had to get ready. Two hours before he was to pick me up he texted me saying he got a text reminding him he had made prior plans to visit friends, apologized for being flaky and suggested going on Wednesday night.

My response, “I don’t know, I was looking forward to today and didn’t make any other plans.” Then I told him I couldn’t go that night because I have a long day the following day. Then he suggested tomorrow night or Tuesday night. I told him I didn’t know and would let him know later. He said, “K”. Still pissed I told him I couldn’t on Monday night and not sure about Tuesday night. (And yes I really do have plans Monday night.) Then I told him, “Just sucks because you suggested Sunday”. No response.

I am not really shocked there is no response from him. He doesn’t like the confrontation or arguing. The major confrontation we had was back in March and that really wasn’t much. It just turned into having the conversation. I never really said anything about the last time he canceled last-minute mostly because he was sick. This time I felt I needed to. I needed to because I wanted him to know it wasn’t cool to cancel last-minute but also because he is the one that suggested the day and now he is telling me he forgot he had other plans. Why didn’t he look at his calendar to make sure before suggesting the day? When our Saturday plans got canceled, I suggested Friday night or Sunday. He is the one that said Sunday and even picked the time. It wasn’t me. And honestly as of right now I don’t even feel like telling him Tuesday will be okay.

I have contemplated writing this post for a couple of months. The main reason for the hesitation is because it might upset some people. If you ask anyone that knows me, I am not a person that likes to upset others. But there is this feeling that hasn’t been going away and I have a feeling there are others who have felt the same way at some point.

It is the invisible feeling. That feeling you get when your friends get either a new job or new love interest. All of a sudden that friend doesn’t have as much time for you as they did before. You don’t say anything to your friend because you are happy for them. But then you start to feel like the friend who is just kept around when there is nothing else to do. I have confronted a friend about this in the past. When I told her she said, “I didn’t realize it and I’m so sorry”, and she was. We did hang out once after that. Since then she has been working full-time, going to school full-time and caring for her mother. We do still talk when we can.

Still there are other friends that might not realize that you feel this way and you don’t say anything because you don’t want to upset them. And you are truly happy for their new situation. When they do talk to you, they do listen and if there is a problem you are having they try to be there for you, but it just upsets you more. Mostly because you think they don’t truly understand what you are going through even though they say they do.

As a plus size girl you have these feelings of invisibility to overcome in friendships, dating and career. At work you feel like odd man out at social company functions. In dating, you feel like you are always overlooked by the decent guys. And in friendships you feel like the wingwoman. As a plus size girl in LA these feelings seem intensified because even non plus size girls feel this way at times too.

This just might be something I am going through but I do know I have good people in my life and good things are happening. And as the saying goes, “This too will pass”.

“I spent the afternoon thinking about my friends. Body image depression, unpredictable mood swings, late night phone calls obsessing about a relationship. Did I mention these are my male friends?”- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

This quote by Carrie Bradshaw explains my guy friends. Don’t get me wrong I love them to death. They take good care of me. Like other day when I saw M. We went out for an early Cinco de Mayo celebration, our favorite holiday. He knew I would have to take the bus home so he said I could stay at the hotel and set me up with water, got me the wifi information so I could work and was a little upset that the restaurant didn’t give us plastic silverware with the leftovers so I could eat them for dinner.

The day my car died RC picked me up from my mechanic and even took me to dinner. JB listens and gives me advice when I am having guy problems. JS even bought dinner when we saw each other a couple of days after my car died and has been giving me advice for when I decide to buy another car.

But they all have moments of self esteem issues, some more than the others. They feel like they aren’t attractive, the girls don’t like them and that their career isn’t going they way it should be. I am there to remind them about how much they have accomplished and that girls do like them.

Tonight I was watching CSI:Miami and at the end they were playing one of my favorite songs (those who know me know I have lots of favorite songs), “Give Me Strength” by Snow Patrol.

This song got me thinking about the things that I have been through and the strength and support I have gotten from my friends and family. It has helped me through so many tough times. It helped me when I lost my grandparents and aunts. It helped me when my mom has been in the hospital. It helped me when I moved out to California. It helped me when I got divorced. It helped me through every breakup. And today it helps me when I am having those down days about my business and life in general. Sometimes it is hard living so far from home but my family and friends back home always support me.

One person in California that has seen me through my ups and downs since my divorce is M. He first met me 4 months after my ex-husband left. M saw me at my darkest time when I was still living in the apartment my ex and I shared. When I moved in with a roommate the first thing he said to me was, “Wow this place is so much better for you. You look so happy.” And he was right. He came to see me after I fell at work and my knee was the size of a softball. He has seen me when I was upset about my full-time job at the time. He has seen me when my mom was rushed to the hospital. He has seen me start a business. He always asks how things are going in my life and what is new and exciting and not just to make small talk, he does it because he cares. I have been there for him too when things in his life are up and down. When I see his work on the screen I get excited. I have been understanding that I can’t see him all the time because his job keeps him busy and he truly appreciates that. I always ask about his family and let him vent when he needs to. I give him a hug when he needs it and always flash my smile for him.

And when we say goodbye to each other until the next time, he says “Be good, do good things” and I know he means it.

Here is a song about strength tapped at an amazing venue, Royal Albert Hall

Today I finally got the chance to watch the movie, “Up In The Air”. I had been told that I need to watch it and finally gave in and got it. Though it deals with people getting laid off, the deeper message is that all of our lives are up in the air.

The people in the movie didn’t see it coming that they were going to lose their job, some have been with the company over 20 years.

We don’t always see things coming. Our lives can change in a year, a month, a day or even a minute. We don’t always know what is going to come next and that is part of the excitement.

Sometimes the things that happen are not happy such as a loss of a relationship, loss of a friendship or loss of a loved one. Those things happen sometimes for reasons we can’t understand.

But those happy times; the birth of a child, the start of a friendship, a wedding or even the start of a relationship, those are the things that bring a smile to our face.

Though I don’t know what happens next for me and the crush, I am happy that things are up in the air. Makes the whole journey that much more enjoyable and exciting.

Yes my dating life has come to a halt. I have hit a dry patch in the number of dates. For a few weeks I was getting a couple of dates a week. Now, nothing. I am not even talking to anyone new.

It is making all of the news of friends getting engaged that much harder. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for them, but it just means I don’t have a date to bring with me and someone else has found their perfect match.

Maybe the reason I have hit a dry patch is because I am getting older and calming down a bit. I don’t go out to the bar as much as I used to. I don’t hook up with random men. Now I only have two men that I see on a somewhat regular basis. One is just a friend. The other is someone who I am starting to fall for. The other night we hung out and ended up cuddling on the couch. Two days later I am still replaying that night in my head. The signs are there, so why am I so afraid to tell him how I feel?