kiddos

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

My blog has been down for a few months...something about the payment method I entered several years ago needing to be updated...

I haven't updated it in so long that I truly don't think anyone would have noticed.

I almost just let it go until I had a panic attack about losing the journals of experience contained within the blog. Some of the info I think I would actually like to forget, other moments and memories so painful but there is a need to know they are there, documented.

I don't know why. Maybe its the fear of forgetting. I recently read an article on grief, and it says that one of the hardest things for people is the anxiety they experience due to fearing that they will forget things. It discussed that forgetting is part of the healing process. I don't think I have completely wrapped my head around that idea. I keep circling around it and thinking of it over and over and over. It almost led to me letting this blog disappear and not trying to recover what was also lost within it.
I changed my mind. I worked with Godaddy and google to recover the blog...and now here is it again...nothing lost...it was just sitting in space somewhere, waiting for payment and something called DNS figuration and it is back.

So what now?

What I will do with it? I am still not sure. Do I want to blog again? Sometimes. I don't fully understand my reasoning or my desire for people to feel what I feel or to see something from my perspective. Some people state they love my writing and my perspective. Some people think of me or my family as "inspiring", "strong" or "touching". Some people say they learned something from my advice or my perspective. I have also had close friends and family tell me they don't read things I put out there because they don't like my perspective. They feel it distances them from me. This often makes me see this "need" to express myself or state my opinion as a character flaw. I mean, do people really need to know my opinion? Does anyone really care about my parenting experience? Is our "journey" really going to help anyone in the long run.

Its tough. To go through all we have gone through seems to want to find some good from it and somehow make it mean something. I really don't know that it MEANS anything honestly. Surely what we are experiencing is hell. What we have been through is tragic. But...others have surely faced worse experiences, bigger losses, more pain, more heartbreak....

This has been a hard week. Chemo cycle 2- although it is actually closer to chemo cycle 16. I go through a ray of emotions on any given day, but mostly this week I have felt anger. Anger at this interrupted life. I am Angry that I have this need to somehow fit a lifetime of experiences into right now. I am angry that I feel like my future feels stolen from me. I am angry that our life isn't just normal (whatever that means). I am angry that I don't feel I can plan. I love to plan. My whole life has been spent planning. Planning my education, planning my wedding, planning my home, planning my kids, planning planning planning...and then the last 5 years swept in and I could no longer plan for anything...all the things I long to plan and desire for my future are sitting there in space waiting for something to happen...

It keeps me in a constant state of panic. It makes me mad. It makes me sad. I know in my heart that there can be purpose in everything, but sometimes it is as hard of a concept for me to grasp as is the idea that there is healing in forgetting.

There is really nothing else to say and so what will become of this blog remains as elusive to me as what will become of my life...

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About Me

I am a wife, a mother of four beautiful children, a dog, a cat and a fish, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a follower of Jesus, an oncology nurse practitioner, a homemaker, and so many other things I am or want to be. I spend each day trying to balance the chaos of my life, and make sure that I weigh in heavier in the things that matter most. Life can be complicated and stressful, there is always a pile of clothes somewhere in my home, I haven't done yoga in over a year and I don't think I ever drink enough water...but I love my family with a passion I can't put into words, and somehow, everything always turns out alright.