Philadelphia MFT

It's a provocative question there in the headline, but it is something to think about. Our partner across from us might be right for us in so many ways. There may be physical, emotional and intelligence features that draw us to him or her, but it takes more than that to make it work in the bedroom.

The end result can look like low desire or erectile dysfunction, something a pill is unlikely to help with me. If there’s not a sexual interest, there’s nothing for a pill to do because the issue is the chemistry between the partners.

Sexual chemistry that is off doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship if partners are willing to talk about what’s off and how to get the chemistry back on.

Fantasize - Can you fantasize? Not everyone does, for a variety of reasons - maybe it is perceived as cheating, as dirty or sinful. Do you fantasize? Perhaps there aren’t any reasons why you don’t, but that doesn’t mean can’t.

Explore - Is is possible to bring some fantasies into the bedroom? Is shame or embarrassment preventing this? Are you open to things your partner might put forward, and do you feel your partner is open? Interests change, but has the time in the bedroom not? Instead of passion is it mechanical, awkward or dissatisfying?

Explore your own body and your partner’s for other things that feel good.

And remember, exploration is a process.

Know your body - If you aren’t desiring sex, you don’t have to slam the door on the possibility, but you can allow for the exploration - foreplay or what not - and see if the juices start flowing. Some things can’t be forced - like an erection - and the effort made against the body can lead to hurt feelings, insecurity and a host of other issues.

These are all great ways to change the sexual dynamic of the relationship you are in, and can be done without a sex therapist, but a it can be helpful for many couples.

Past sexual trauma and asexuality as a identity of one partner are 2 dynamics that really change what intimacy looks like in a relationship and should not be taken personally by the other. Rather a supportive relationship can go a long way to healing and finding what works for everyone involved.

Yesterday we celebrated the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr. King gave his time energy and subsequently his life fighting for equality and civil rights. 48 years after his death, we are still feeling the impact of his love and sacrifice. Unfortunately in 2016 we are still fighting the same battles for equality across the board: race, gender, sexual orientation as well as faith. People like Dr. King are a rarity to come by; however we can all work towards being better allies to humanity and here is a list on how to make a small but felt difference.

ListenIf you decided to become an ally to a group of people that are fighting for equality; one of the biggest things you can do is listen. And listen. And listen some more. Being an ally means you're understanding that part of the experience of a group of people that go unnoticed is that they want to be heard and validated about their experiences. The first step to validating an experience is to actively listen to them and their hardships; no matter how different they are from your own experiences.

Be empathetichaving empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Even though you may never have experienced racism, sexism, or xenophobia; you DO understand the feelings that these experiences can cause others. We all know what it feels like to be humiliated, disliked, and shamed. Tap into those feelings when listening and validating the experiences of others.

Be Honest and Ask QuestionsOne of the best ways to be an ally is to be honest about your own feelings about their experience. Admit when you don't understand something. Ask questions about how it made them feel. Be honest about never having an experience like that and most importantly ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP. Don't assume you know what can be done to improve the situation; always ask "what can I do if you want and need help with this."

Stand up in Small WaysWe all won't be Ghandi or Dr. King but some of the most powerful things we can do is stand up in small ways. Finding the courage to stand up for inequality can be challenging but it gets easier when we start small and build from there. If you see a small injustice (a friend speaking negatively about race or the LGBTQ community for example.) speak up about it. One of the most important things you can do is be an ally in spaces where the people you're an ally to aren't welcomed.

New Year’s resolutions can be an excellent jumping off point for a new year. They give you a goal to strive for, and the thought of a blank slate can fill you with some much-needed energy. However, many people fall off the resolution wagon soon after getting on because they lack organization. Here are some tips to stay on track:

Define your long-term goal

Know what you are striving for, and make this goal as clear and concise as possible.

Write down achievable short-term goals

Break your long-term goal into smaller steps that you can strive for. Each time you reach a short-term goal you will feel a sense of accomplishment and know that you are that much closer to your long-term goal

Create deadlines for your goals

The sense of urgency that a deadline creates will help keep your energy level up all year

Buy a planner and use it

Or for those of you who are more tech-savvy, commit to using your Smartphone calendar. Write down your goals and deadlines so that they can’t go unremembered.

Check-ins

Set an alert on your phone to check in with yourself periodically to ensure you are on the right track. If you feel like a certain goal is more difficult than you originally thought, try breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps.

New Year’s resolutions give us something to strive for as we begin the New Year. Use these 5 steps and watch yourself achieve your resolution, and make 2016 your best year ever!

Do you have a list? Not a grocery list or a to-do list, but a list of the characteristics you require in a potential partner. You’ve likely grown up with a general image of your perfect mate. Whether physical or emotional, everyone has a list of traits that they’d like to find in their partners. Some people have a group of qualities stored in their mind. Other people's lists are printed out and go on for pages. If you completely disregard your list, you’re seen as settling. If you refuse bend at all, you’re labeled as picky. In truth, both statements posses a degree of validity. Has anyone ever accused you of being too picky or settling for less than you’re worth? If yes, it’s helpful to get a clear understanding of what each term actually means.

“I guess you’ll do...”

With age often comes not only a strong desire to be in a relationship, but also an immense pressure to make it happen. Whether real or imagined, external or internal, this pressure can influence people to enter into terrible relationships. If you find yourself bypassing a great deal of what you care about in order to make a relationship happen, it is likely that you’re settling. You should not have to give up everything you value and desire in order to make things work. Settling for less gives you a relationship and also opens you up to impending unhappiness. Completely disregarding your values and the things that make you happy is the perfect recipe for wasted time and broken hearts.

Picky, Picky

Everyone has a list of things they want out of their partner. If you’re list is entirely comprised of deal breakers, you’ve crossed over from the land of standards and into the realm of pickiness. You’re likely on a search for perfection and this is sure to lead you on a path with little options and lots of disappointment. You have to realize there is no one out there that is going to be 100% what you want. Chances are you’re bypassing great people by not being flexible on certain things. Having a list is important because it keeps the things you want in perspective, but you have to know when it’s ok to budge.

The Great Compromise

As you get older and gain more relationship experience, it’s not uncommon that your tastes change. Things that may have been deal breakers in the past, are looked at through fresh eyes. You start to figure out what you consider important and recognize the things that you can be flexible on. This is considered compromising. This is the middle ground. Being flexible on traits/topics that you find less important gives you the opportunity to actually get to know a person and discover if they’re someone you can actually enjoy. There is no standard for what everyone finds important, but there is a standard rule when it comes to being flexible with your list: budge but don’t go against your values and overall well being.

Discover what is important to you and learn the things you can bend on. Settling will have you cuddled up with someone you’re not fit for and being picky will have you cuddled up with your list. Flexibility is essential in any relationship and that typically starts before the relationship even begins. Compromise but never at the expense of your values or your happiness.