Every day, rumors swirl about who will get custody of Michael Jackson’s three children. Media reports yesterday said a settlement may be in the works with Debbie Rowe, who gave birth to two of the pop king’s kids. Whether that’s true, this extraordinary case raises questions of paternity and maternity. There are lessons for everyone in such celebrity disputes. Here’s how to safeguard your rights with your children in death or divorce…

In his will, Jackson, who died June 25 at age 50, named his 79-year-old mother Katherine Jackson guardian to his three children, Prince (12), Paris (11) and Prince II (7). (The children are now staying with her.)

If she's unable or unwilling to fill this role, Jackson nominated Diana Ross to act as "guardian of the persons and estates of such minor children.”

But the pop star’s statement and wishes aren’t worth much in court, according to John Mayoue, an Atlanta-based family law attorney who has represented Chris Rock, Sean Combs, Jane Fonda and other celebrities in custody disputes.

Sad, but true, in custody battles due to death or divorce, parents have little to say about who gets the kids.

“We don’t weigh the interests of the parents or surrogate parents when considering the needs of the children,” in custody battles from death or divorce, he says. “You [can] say what you want in a will, but it legally means nothing in most states.”

Most parents still feel better naming their preferred guardian in writing, he says. So who makes the final decision? The judge. He's the one who weighs what's best for the children, says Mayoue.

In fact, the child's welfare is the guiding principle in all custody disputes, whether you’re the King of Pop or Jane on Main Street.

If you’re going through a breakup and kids are involved, here are 5 expert tips to help you steer clear of legal troubles:

1. Don’t Go PublicThe main problem in many custody cases is that emotions get in the way and couples take the case into a public courtroom to resolve the matter, Mayoue says.

Airing dirty laundry undermines the best interests of the children.

Pleadings in custody cases are public record that your kids can find on the Internet, Mayoue warns, even if you’re not a celebrity.

So be careful what you say about your spouse.

In the information age, what you think is private may not be, so don’t say things you may regret, like a heated posting on Twitter or Facebook about your soon-to-be ex.

Older kids have access to social media sites and can easily find comments from their parents, relatives or friends that would hurt them.

And that may carry weight if a judge is deciding who gets the kids.

Mayoue suggests parents take a page from the quiet 2001 divorce of Jane Fonda and Ted Turner as one example “where the case was resolved quickly and confidentially prior to being filed.”

Before you even head into court, seek mediation from your rabbi, priest, minister or a family friend, he suggests.

“Say to yourself, ‘What’s the best way to handle this?’”

Avoid custody disputes like that of celebrities Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin, where an angry voicemail recording from the father was made public, Mayoue says.

“Michael Jackson’s kids’ custody issues are not the norm because of the media frenzy and who the children’s mothers are,” Kendrick says. (For one thing, two of his three children have one mother; the youngest child a different mother and judges are reluctant to break up families.)

“Take the high road and agree that it’s your children’s welfare that is most important,” he says. “You’ve got to love your children more than you hate each other.”

3. Honesty Is BestSocial workers are often appointed by family court judges to do custody evaluations, especially in the case of a difficult divorce or death of a sole parent. In some custody cases, the court may ask kids who they prefer to live with.

Kids should be assured by their parents that the evaluator is a friend, not a foe, Lewis says.

Some parents or guardians try to cheat the system, he adds, by telling their kids what to say. That can do more emotional harm than good.

Therapist Kendrick agrees.

“Now you have people saying, ‘Come with me,’ and children don’t ever want to be put in that position,” he says, “because they can’t win.”

Whoever tries for custody in a divorce or in the Jackson case – the grandparents, biological mother or the nanny credited with raising the children – the job of an evaluator is to listen to the kids and be the impartial ears and eyes of a judge.

Social workers will do the following:

Consider the children’s preference (if they can express themselves maturely and sincerely).

Talk to people who know the kids and the situation.

Do a home study (looking for the best environment for the kids).

Evaluate the child’s attachment to a parent or guardian, as well as financial, social and educational factors.

Honesty is also best when it comes to the person seeking custody. Are you really able to provide a stable environment for the child? Will long hours at work mean the child will be raised by babysitters?

Some frank introspection can minimize the stress and hurt of a custody dispute.

Anyone going through an evaluation should have photos, statements from friends about your parenting skills and other documentation.

“If you take your son on a fishing trip, take a photo, because your spouse is going to say you never took him fishing,” Lewis says. “The evaluator has to have data to support their opinion.”

Elizabeth Lindsey, one of the top female divorce attorneys in the country with the Atlanta law firm Davis, Matthews & Quigley, agrees: “It’s important for women to prove they “actually parent their children and spend time with them.”

In celebrity cases, nannies and babysitters often handle child-rearing chores, but women still need to prove that parenting is their priority.

While those are crucial managerial skills, good parenting or bonding also means being involved.

“Leave the BlackBerry behind when attending school activities or spending time with your children,” Lindsey says. “Take time to have friends who support you and your parenting and make play dates with other mothers.”

Not only is it evidence that your children come first, but it’ll also strengthen your relationship with your kids.

5. Live CleanThe fastest way to lose custody is to abuse drugs or alcohol, emotionally or physically harm your kids or not treat a mental illness, Lindsey says.

“First and foremost, courts are going to protect the children's physical safety."

In Britney Spears/Kevin Federline split, he was more than once awarded custody because Spears was out of control, she says.

If you ignore such problems, you’re telling the court that you aren’t able to care for your children – physically, mentally or emotionally.

But getting treatment can improve your chances.

That shows “the court that a parent is equipped to deal with his or her own issues, which courts see as part of positive parenting," she says.

What Will Happen to Jackson’s Kids?Michael Jackson case’s is unique, and how it will play out is anyone’s guess.

Lewis expects a decision on the fate of the star’s children fairly quickly.

“From my experience – and I’ve been doing custody evaluations for 30 years – the longest one I ever did was seven months, the shortest, 10 minutes,” he says.

The average time needed to resolve custody issue for 3 kids is 90 days, he says.

In the end, for celebrities and non-celebs alike, custody decisions are intended to place children with a fit guardian who can best meet their needs and help them thrive.

ResourcesFor more information and advice on custody issues, check out these Web sites and books:

Womenslaw.org. This easily understood legal information site for women explains custody laws on a state by state basis, as well as general topics dealing with child custody.

Nolo.com. Simple explanations of custody issues, FAQs and a directory of lawyers.