They have tried everything to fix the oil spill. Garbage. Giant containment units. Golf balls. They even (briefly, I hope) considered nuking it.

There was one solution they hadn’t considered, though. Until now.

Kevin. Costner.

Yes. HIM.

Not content to just build baseball fields and rob from the rich anymore, the intrepid thespian has turned to solving real-life matters instead…with adequate help from his scientist brother and his millions of dollars, of course.

He IS the real life Robin Hood! And this time, without Christian Slater!

Costner, with the help of his brother who is apparently a genius or something (and also never mentioned by name in any article I have read) has financed and developed a “dream machine” that can supposedly separate oil from water.

Ah, but can it separate stupidity from oil execs?

The Costner boys’ invention, called the V20, can separate 210,000 gallons of oiled up water a day. I’m no science expert, but that seems like an awful lot. And, apparently, it is. BP has purchased 32 of these bad boys, but only after testing to make sure they can get the mileage they need out of him. BP tested to make sure the V20’s could manage oil leaking from and underwater well at a rate of up to 60, 000 barrels a day, for a full two months – the rough equivalent of 2.5 million gallons of oil, for those keeping track.

That's a heckuva lot of the bubblin' crude.

Rest assured though, dear reader, that this isn’t Costner’s first foray into the world of oil. I’m not saying he’s an expert or anything, but I’m sure he could pick up a decent job at BP.

Seriously, guys. We're REALLY stupid.

Costner’s company, appropriately (though terribly) called Ocean Therapy, has been developing this technology for seventeen years, and Costner himself has sunk over $20 million of his own stockpile o’cash into it. And, as if that dedication wasn’t enough, he even battled pollution pirates to the death in Waterworld.

Dude is straight up serious.

He's gunning for YOU this time, Oil Spill.

While some people might be a little skeptical about Costner’s legitimate commitment to stopping the oil spill (especially when one considers the profit he’s going to be making after dealing these bad boys to BP), the fact remains that he is helping to fix the problem. Sincerity aside, right now the ocean needs all the help it can get. And even if that help is g coming from the star of Field of Dreams, and even if said star actually quoted said movie in front of a Congressional Committee about the oil spill, thus pretty much taking away what little credibility he had going in, than so be it. And, since any profit he makes off this little business venture will be coming out of BP’s oily pockets anyways, who gives a shit HOW much he makes off it?

Sure, Kevin. Have as much as you want. Hey, people still buy ivory, right?

Because at this point we should probably just cut our losses and give up any hope of BP fixing this mess. They may have gotten us into this, but it’s going to take a real man to get us out.

And that man is Kevin Costner.

Those machines will come through in time. He'll make damn sure of that. Also, the mail!