A Quick Word From: The Starbucks Mermaid Regarding the New Cups, and She Is Pissed

It is I, the beautiful siren, the queen of caffeine, the espresso enchantress. I am the mighty Starbucks mermaid and I have emerged from the depths of my coffee kingdom with righteous anger. Never in all my years as ruler of the coffee bean ocean have I been so furious. Have you seen these new green cups?

Starbucks has issued limited edition “community” cups that feature hundreds of normal people crammed together, all drawn in a single continuous line in an effort to show how connected the world is. That’s right, Starbucks’ leftist propaganda has temporary replaced me, the beloved mermaid. This is the correct thing to be mad about.

How are you going to take the Starbucks mermaid off your cups? I made you, Starbucks, and I will destroy you. I am venti upset.

Honestly, I could not have cared less when you got rid of vague signs of Christmas last year. Complaining about Starbucks holiday cups is an insane waste of time. But replacing me, the great coffee beast? Dust off your hashtags, people. We are going to war again.

This is filth. Joshua Trujillo / Starbucks

I am a fictitious corporate logo, and I need your help vanquishing a temporary doodle. The very nature of morning routines in early November depends on it.

PC culture has come for your coffee, everyone. This is not the first time there’s been a logo change. First they came for my nipples, and I said nothing. Then they came from my entire lower half, and I said nothing. Now they rid me entirely from the cup and replace me with a visage of a socialist dystopia? I can no longer sit idly by, because now it personally affects me.

Hey Starbucks, keep the Christ in Christmas. More importantly, please keep me, the meticulously market-tested logo. I am bigger than Jesus; I am the Starbucks mermaid.

People come to the ‘Bucks for the queen who proudly points to her crown with her two mermaid legs. My crown is a gorgeous relic of majesty, and replacing it with pictures of the proletariat a direct threat to my reign. This is high treason. I shall scald your throats. I shall have them forget to add whip and not have you realize until you get back to the office. I shall run out of pralines.

I am not a real thing. Care about me.

This liberal nonsense needs to stop. How dare I be replaced with maids (maids are what mermaids call normal people)? Starbucks is forcing their agenda down our throats in the guise of Gingerbread lattes. What’s next? Allowing anyone off the street to use the bathroom? I swear to fucking God.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: only the bourgeoisie should be allowed to partake in the dulcet Norah Jones tones of my kingdom. As for the others? Let them eat cake pops.

While we’re talking, what’s with the trigger warning on the cups? “Contents may be hot.” People need to learn what hot means without being coddled.

Dunkin Donuts, the coffee of the disgusting working class, you can have me. Get rid of Eli Manning or whatever region-specific athlete you have shilling your swill. I’ll defect faster than that backstabbing Verizon four-eyes. I am officially a mermaid with no nation. You hear that, Tim Hortons? If you want me, come and claim me.

Starbucks says these temporary cups are supposed to expand the idea of community, diversity, and togetherness, which is a pretty bold move for a chain that for years has been responsible for stifling individual voices in the form of local coffee shops. Yes, I am blowing up your spot, Starbucks. Do not cross the siren. She shall lure you into politically murky waters.

I will burn this place to the ground, and only I shall survive because I am a pretend mermaid who can swim through coffee.

Supposedly the yearly red holiday coffee cups are on their way and will debut after the election. This means I will likely return soon surrounded by poinsettias and snowflakes and shit. This gives me no solace. The damage to my throne has been done. When you play the game of corporate logos, you win or you die.