Sunday, March 15, 2009

In honor of everyone's favorite Dick, former Congressman from Texas, House Majority Leader, and "Republican Revolutionary," Dick Armey, I announce my second, weekly (yeah right, Bill, like you have that kind of discipline) Eat A Armey Award, for the public luminary who's being an especial jackhole the previous week.

Have you heard the news this morning? That's right, AIG, the American International Group, the insurance company that has received over $170 billion of American taxpayer money in order to remain solvent, is about to dish out $165 million in bonuses to its own execs. Oh, and get this: about $60 million is going to the financial productions unit, the same AIG unit that had underwritten all those credit default swaps that has sent capitalism crashing around our ears.

So, this week's Eat A Armey award goes to Edward M. Liddy, the current, government-appointed CEO of the American International Group. For, despite being appointed the responsible guardian of the American taxpayers' booty, despite those taxpayers' outrage, despite the massive amounts of debt the American government (his employer) is accruing to keep his company afloat, despite Obama and Congress already imposing tight resrictions on these bailed-out companies' executive compensations, even despite getting reamed out by Timothy "The Gelding" Geithner, Liddy has the temerity to proceed with the bonuses and the balls to playhimself off as powerless in all this: "Needless to say, in the current circumstances, I do not like these arrangements and find it distasteful and difficult to recommend to you that we must proceed with them."

Hunh? What? Why, Eddie, why?

Because, Liddy says, "We cannot attract and retain the best and the brightest talent to lead and staff the AIG businesses--which are now being operated principally on behalf of American taxpayers--if employees believe their compensation is subject to continued and arbitrary adjustment by the US Treasury."

Oh, yeah. I gotcha, Lidster. If you want "the best and the brightest," you gotta pay "the best and the brightest." And that requires lots of money. So much so, that the US Treasury might just have to start printing money like ticker tape just to retain their brilliant services. But look here, NumbNuts. The reason the Treasury's printing all this Monopoly money in the first place is because of all these best and brightest assholes you're bending over backwards to felch!

Remember, these are the same people who fucked ... the ... WORLD!

Hey, Ed, do you remember M.A.D.? Mutually-Assured Destruction? It was the brilliant supposition that nuclear powers would never blow each other up because nobody wanted to be blown up in return. It was simply MAD to start a nuclear war. But the one thing none of the experts answered then or now. And that is what happens when somebody who has his/her finger on the button just doesn't give a fuck?

Well, bud, financially speaking, we're seeing exactly what happens. These "best and brightest" you're so eager to pay are the monetary madmen with their hands on the button. Think about it. Their megalomaniacal greed and avarice didn't just fuck themselves or each other, didn't just fuck their companies or Wall Street, didn't just fuck our 401Ks and retirement funds, didn't even just fuck the US economy. No, hoss. These bastards FUCKED THE WORLD!!!

Your AIG homeys had their fingers on the button, and they just kept pressing. Cackling all the way to the bank. And they just don't give a fuck. They actually have the balls to want more. They've fucked the world, and they shamelessly get all up in our faces, screaming, "Where my money, bitch?!!!"

And they got you on your knees, Liddy, begging for their forgiveness? Like you're the powerless one?!

Yo, Eddy! You're their fucking boss! You're the CEO. The United States government hired you to whip these assholes into shape. And you're on your knees?

I mean, what the hell is going on here? I was fired once for not serving customers their food in a timely fashion. These bastards fucked ... the ... world, and you're giving them an additional $200 million for their services?

You, Congress, the Gelding, and Obama keep acting powerless before these paper titans of Wall Street, and it's really starting to piss me off. We're yet to see an indictment. Hell, we haven't even seen an apology. No one is culpable. No one is shamed. If I'd done this, I'd be hanging my head in shame and moving to a country with no extradition treaty with the US. These motherfathers are sauntering around, grabbing their nuts, leaving us beaten and bloodied, and throwing us back out on the corner, screaming, "Not some, not half, but all my money."

And why shouldn't they, Ed? None of you guys are doing a damned thing to stop them. Some of them have lost their jobs with $10 million golden parachutes. And that's the worst any of them have faced.

We get it, Ed. These are rich and powerful people who can make one even richer and more powerful if they just play ball. But look who signs your paycheck, asshole. This whole debacle is bigger than you, your friends, or even the current state of the economy. This is about our future, our children's future, our grandchildren's future. Start fucking acting like it.

Until you realize this and man up and do ... your ... fucking ... job, you, too, Mr. Liddy, can Eat A Armey

I think this shitstorm was 30 years in the making--with all our deregulation, "greed is good," and treating the rich as a privileged class that didn't need to be bothered with little things like taxes, laws, or morality because what's good for them is supposed to be good for all of us. So, I know there are folks champing at the bit to blame Obama for all this, but I don't. In fact, I find those folks delusional.

However, I do blame Obama and crew with idol worshipping the rich as well. I mean, I'm not screaming "Off with their heads!" But it seems like there should've been some kind of housecleaning by now. But I haven't seen a thing. And these bonuses are just ridiculous. In a strictly business sense, it doesn't make sense to reward people who not only didn't do their job but prompted the bankruptcy of your business. In a bailout sense, it's utterly ridiculous. It's like giving someone money for their mortgage and watching them take a trip to Monte Carlo instead. Sure, they'll act outraged, but the truth of the matter is, Obama's crew's writing the checks. All they have to do is not sign them.

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About Me

Toiling in utter obscurity his entire life, Bill Campbell is the author of two novels, Sunshine Patriots and My Booty Novel. He has also been a music critic and published his own zine, Contraband and a music trade publication, CD Revolutions. Currently, he lives in the DC area (missing his beloved Cleveland Park) with his wife and daughter.

My Booty Novel

32-year-old writer, Damian Cross, returns home from his first book tour only to be dumped by his fiancee, who he's been with for 7 years. Now, Damian has to start over while writing his second novel while all his friends are trying to convince him to write a "booty novel" to make money. Written in blog form, My Booty Novel is a funny, heartwarming tale of dating, starting over, and learning to let go of old pains in order to find new joys.

Electronic Booty

Sunshine Patriots

United Earth, intergalactic war hero, Aaron "The Berber" Barber finds himself in a place he's never been before--fighting his fellow human beings. With chaos, rebellion, and bloodshed all around him, Barber suddenly questions his role as a war hero and spokesman for Smell-A-Vision. Sunshine Patriots is a satirical science fiction novel that asks the important question: What does it mean to truly be a hero?