Friday, December 30, 2016

As my favorite singer/songwriter puts it, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." However, I strongly beg to disagree. I contend that this is not so. It is during the wee hours of the night when you want nothing else but for sleep to take over your lifeless soul and weary spirit. It is the endless, pointless turning and laying back and forth, trying to drown everything away in dreamland but you are left forlorn and desolate, because you cannot think of anything else but him; it is during those moments when you have a myriad of questions but such few answers. It is when you try to give yourself a pat on the back because you've managed to be okay the entire day, only to realize that you will again sob yourself to sleep tonight. Most of all, it is when you sleep with your broken heart with the thought in mind that tomorrow, when you wake up, pretty much nothing will have changed. You are still lost, shattered, and all alone. That I must say, is the biggest tragedy of a broken heart.

And there is no telling how and when you can be able to mend everything and rise up from the devastation. There is no prescriptive period in such instance. Nor can laches be invoked in this case. In law, you can argue that one has slept on their rights. In love however, you cannot just sleep on your emotions. Because there is no final judgment or arbitral award that fixes the period upon which you shall serve the penalty. There is no judge or arbiter that will tell you how long its going to take for you to get your life back on track - you need to figure it out on your own because the world does not stop for your grief.

The pain lingers and you can't just make it all go away. There is no medication that can alleviate the suffering. Every single time, you can choose to wear a mask of happiness but at the end of the day, you know that while you may be able to fool others, you can never feign your true emotions, at least not to yourself.

But out of everything else, it is the part where I get to really miss you that breaks me the most. Knowing that I'll never be able to go back to that restaurant and relish my favorite dish with you or get to see that Star Wars movie which we had been raving to watch together bites me. Realizing that you will never be able to cook that recipe which you had wanted to prepare for my family at home or share our favorite burger and that heavenly ice cream together shatters my heart into a million pieces. I guess we would no longer be able to relish the joy of seeing ourselves take that Lawyer's Oath together as we fulfill our shared aspiration - one that we have toiled for so many painstaking years in Law School. And we will never be able to build a family together as we wont get to raise our little Sofia and Vito as we had planned. They were dreams that we had built together on solid ground. But we never really got there. Now they have crumbled into the ground, swallowed by the pit of nothingness. And all that is left are our scarred and wretched hearts.

You and I both know that our journey ends here. You can beg me to stay and I can tell you not to go; but deep inside us, we both know that this is all for the best as this has been long overdue. I wish we could tell each other that what we feel is enough to sustain and keep us going and holding on to this. But you and I both know that it isn't. It's not enough. Through time and the many things that have happened around us, we've become different individuals with conflicting priorities and needs and sadly, we have grown apart. And as much as the pain kills and sweeps the life out of me, I know that this is how things must be. Our time is up. And we are just better off living our lives separately.

I am taking all the good with the bad, the bitter with the sweet. Our memories are not going anywhere. They are forever etched. What we had was real and I will always be grateful. And this is why I am choosing not to delete anything because I know that I can never undo three beautifully poignant years of my life with you. I am keeping them close to my heart if that is the only way that I can be reminded that once in my life, you marvelously came and made me feel how it is to be truly loved. Sweet, Surreal, Imperfectly Beautiful, yet Fleeting and Impermanent.

The future appears bleak and dreary but I know that one day, all this will finally make sense. It may take a while but I know we'll both get to where we should be. And until that day comes, I will take comfort knowing that you and I will learn to be happy again someday, even if it means not being together.

"You bleed because you know the wound cut so deep. But eventually, you will regain your strength. Because nature has its own way of healing. Such is the constancy of change."