Synopsis: “Getaway is the gritty, heart-pounding action thriller from Warner Bros. Pictures and Dark Castle Entertainment in which former race car driver Brent Magna (Ethan Hawke) is pitted against the clock. Desperately trying to save the life of his kidnapped wife, Brent commandeers a custom Shelby Cobra Mustang, taking it and its unwitting owner (Selena Gomez) on a high-speed race against time, at the command of the mysterious villain holding his wife hostage.”

Rating: Rated PG-13 language and violence.

Must-Watch Trailer:

Review:

Before you begin reading this review, you should know that it is a lot more fun doing so while listening to a song that fittingly embodied how I felt during almost every single minute of this movie. Let your reading of this review be accompanied by the following song. (Press Play and commence reading!)

Reviews online and on promotional commercials refer to this latest piece of nonsense as Taken and Drive put together into one movie. Don’t listen to that. The comparisons between this atrocity with two very well done films is both misleading and inaccurate. While I will concede that certain elements may be borrowed from those films, Getaway plays more like the video game Grand Theft Auto mixed with the movie Drive Angry…for all the wrong reasons and without Nicolas Cage!

Rather than go into all the details of what made this movie so bad, I figured I would take the opportunity to “educate” you on some “facts” I learned myself while watching Getaway.

I’m pretty sure Hawke and Gomez are laughing at everyone who gets tricked into seeing their movie.

So, here are eleven things I took away as “having learned” from Getaway. (Essentially, these are just some of the notes I took between watching the movie, looking at my watch and checking Reddit out of boredom.)

Every police car in Bulgaria, apparently, has the engine of a Shelby Cobra Mustang and can keep up with a suped up Shelby Cobra Mustang. (I hate when “car movies” ignore physics and use a car for looks instead of displaying what would really happen. It distracts and takes me “out of” the movie.)

Ethan Hawke, apparently, did not watch Taken…or Hostel…or Man on Fire, etc. How does he not know that when you travel outside of the U.S. someone always gets kidnapped?? I mean, come on, man! That’s movie LAW! 😉

Bulgaria must have the best electricians on the planet because within SECONDS of a powerplant blowing up, a city can have full power again!

Walls, Semi trucks, people and random booths for speeches in the middle of the night must all have magnets for cars, causing multiple crashes and collisions.

When Ethan Hawke drives a car hours on end, it never needs gas. No wonder he can afford to make such bad movies, he’s not paying for gas like the rest of us!

Selena Gomez (in that awkward and dangerous transition stage between childhood actor and mainstream star) still can’t act. No matter what role she is in and no matter how much profanity she uses, she still can’t be taken seriously as an actor. (I disliked her in Springbreakers as well.) Although, I’d much rather it be Gomez than Miley Cyrus.

I think the makers of this movie must have consulted with Michael “Bombastic” Bay, but failed to realize that random explosions and car crashes do not a movie make. If you want your fix of car crashes and explosions, watch this video instead:

If Jon Voight got paid for being a part of this movie, then he truly is a greater criminal mastermind than the characters he so often plays in movies!

Common Sense, Creative plots, Characters of Worth, Credible sequence of events and time…all elements apparently NOT needed to make a movie anymore.

I give up, Hollywood…it must be true that kids always will be smarter than adults in movies like these. It’s a constant annoying theme in so many movies so…it must be true. What has the world come to when Ethan Hawke is asking Selena Gomez what to do next?

When there are this many explosions in a film like this, you know where the budget went to. And if not, here’s a clue…it didn’t go to the story, the writing, the acting or to the audience in the form of pre-printed refund coupons.

Needless to say, this is probably one of the best movies I’ve seen this year so far…NOT!

All I wanted to do while watching Getaway was GET AWAY!! (Is the song still playing? No? Scroll up and press “Play” again, because I’m not done ranting! haha)

The best part of the entire movie is the car itself. Although, the randomly placed XBOX controllers and the glove compartment full of other product placement items were odd. All joking aside, when a film resorts to repeated explanatory narration by the characters in order to “explain away” any perceived misunderstandings or confusion, that movie is either not doing a good job at storytelling or it is insulting its audience’s intelligence. One of the two is happening rest assured. Getaway is guilty of both. With an ending that satisfies no one, the title finally sinks in and confirms that the 90 minutes were indeed a waste of time.

Do you still want to see it? Do you still need to know what the movie is like? Watch the trailer. I guarantee that is all you need to see. You don’t even need to see how it ends. You won’t care when you watch it. Almost anything you can imagine would be better than the lack of satisfaction you will gain by watching this one to its ending.

If your friends ask you to go watch this film, do yourself a favor and…just once…follow the path of the Biebs: “Getaway” from Selena Gomez. (Too soon? aww,..I don’t care! And neither does Rhett.)

Stay Away from Getaway.

My Score:0.5 out of 5 stars for Getaway.

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(Remember, to read this review of mine and over 250 more, check out THE ARCHIVE of movies I have reviewed anytime. Know before you go…or rent…or buy!)

I hope you didn’t have to pay to see this movie. I’m actually surprised Nicholas Cage isn’t in it; he would’ve displayed yet another bizarre facial expression and a new hairline (he was probably having sex with the Declaration of Independence when his agent tried to call him about this movie). Oh well. His loss is Ethan Hawke’s… Uh, I’ll go with not gain.