Let their children be tormented for as long as it takes to teach the bully new skills of dealing with his frustration at not getting what he wants and for him to master new skills of communication and negotiation?

Adults who don’t understand why their teenagers are so demanding, nasty and surly.

Adults who want to stop bullying at work by managers and co-workers.

That question is usually asked in the context of, “I’m a nice person; I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Why is that person so nasty to me?”

The apparent perplexity behind the question comes from the idea that we’re supposed to get what we put out, not only in interactions with those we love, who also love us, but also in interactions with everyone in the world. As if, if we’re nice we’re supposed to be treated nicely in return. These people forget that bullies have different agendas and methods.

The hidden fears behind the question are:

“Maybe I have done something to deserve being harassed and abused; maybe it really is my fault.” Of course, people thinking this way are usually riddled by self-doubt and negative self-talk. Their hidden hope is, “If I knew what I’d done wrong, I could apologize, do what the bully wants, and then they’d treat me nicely.” Their hidden anger comes from deep knowledge, “I didn’t do anything wrong; how dare that bully treat me that way!”

“If the world is so unfair, it’s out of my control.” Of course, people thinking this way are afraid that they’re not strong enough to thrive in a world that’s dangerous, unpredictable and uncontrollable. Their hidden hope is that they could control the world if only they learned the magic secrets. Their hidden anger comes from the sense that, “I didn’t ask for this kind of world; I’m entitled to something better and more rational.”

Before I answer “Why do bullies keep abusing us,” let’s understand what bullying is about in a way that helps us stop bullies in their tracks. Distinguish between two questions:

Why do children try bullying tactics?

Why do they keep bullying as they grow up?

The way I look at it, babies and children naturally take or demand what they want; they naturally try bullying tactics. That’s necessary for their survival – babies must make us feed and change them whether we want to or not. Children’s survival-level job is to figure out how to get us to give them what they want.

Impulses to bully come up all the time, in all of us. It feels good to be a strong and powerful and simply take what we want. Unless kids are taught how to feel good or how to get what they want by other methods, they’ll continue bullying.

Parents train children how to get what they want; which means how to bully, manipulate, harass or abuse people, or how to negotiate with us to give them what they want. We train them to keep using bullying tactics or to try other methods.

There are three general reasons why children grow up and continue using bullying techniques.

Bullying is what they see – they see one or both parents bullying successfully or it’s the only tactic they know. Their parents and family don’t teach them not to bully and also don’t teach them better ways to get what they want.

They keep bullying because bullying succeeds – well-meaning parents, principals and teachers don’t say “No” and they don’t stop the bullying. Sometimes, we may let bullies succeed while we’re negotiating with them or because we’re too tired and worn down to be strong. You’ve seen parents teach children to get cookies, candy or toys by yelling loud enough, throwing hysterical fits or simply taking it from a younger or smaller kid.

There’s a small group of sociopaths and psychopaths who won’t be teachable in any reasonable length of time, if ever.

Many people say that “Children become bullies because they have low self-esteem. To make themselves feel better, they bully people who are weaker.” This is usually followed by the hope that, “If I understand why bullies bully, I’ll be able to teach bullies why bullying is wrong, and then they’ll stop bullying.” These people typically allow bullies to continue abusing their targets, while they educate, beg, bribe, appease or therapeutize bullies.

Instead, take the focus away from psychotherapy of bullies and focus on stopping bullying first. Teach your kids to protect themselves from kids who haven’t learned impulse control or to use other means to navigate in the world. After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies. As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time; let’s protect target children and adults right now.
Educating bullies begins with stopping them. Their main motivation for learning new tactics is when the old methods no longer succeed.

Current statistics show that bullying is prevalent – over 50% of kids report being bullied or observing bullying. Bullying by girls is just as prevalent as by boys (although they often use different tactics) and bullying in “good” neighborhoods is just as prevalent as in “bad” ones.
Most parents want to understand why bullies bully, “Is it because bullies have low esteem, or they lust for power or that’s the only way they know how to get control and admiration?” Those parents usually tell their children never to use violence to stop bullies. “Violence never solved anything. Don’t stoop to the bullies’ level.”

Those parents hope that understanding bullies will help them create programs that will rehabilitate bullies. Then their kids will be safe when they’re away from home or when they’re online.

Parents who say those things are the number one risk factor in making their children targets of repeated bullying.

Their strategy is based on the false idea that if children love and forgive bullies enough, they’ll melt bullies’ hearts and bullies will stop bullying and become their friends. That strategy rarely stops bullies.

Similarly, bullied kids grow up with low self-esteem and low confidence; they expect to be beaten down – mentally, emotionally and physically – to be taken advantage of, to lose. They become repeat victims.

The number one risk factor in our children’s becoming targets of repeated bullying is not bullies or schools – the number one risk factor is us, the parents of the targets. Bullies have always existed and will always exist, most schools never protected kids and many still won’t.

Take your focus away from psychotherapy of bullies. Focus instead on stopping bullying right now. After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies. As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time. I want to protect target children right now.

In the real world, bullies are predators, like hyenas, looking for the weak and isolated people who don’t know how to protect themselves. Real bullies have a language all their own – they take our children’s kindness, reasonableness or holding back as weakness and a sign of easy prey. Our kids’ weakness brings out the worst in bullies.

A real-world perspective is that it’s more important to stop bullies first; that counseling, therapy and rehabilitation efforts come second. In fact, stopping bullying behavior and having stiff consequences for kids who bully repeatedly is one of the best steps in changing their behavior.

Some people believe fervently, passionately and whole-heartedly that if you love bullies, if you give them what they want, if you’re kind enough, then you’ll melt their hearts, they’ll come to their senses and they’ll stop bullying. Sometimes, rarely, that does work.
But the wisdom of both history and the world’s great literature tells you that you’ll usually get hurt if you put your head in a dragon’s mouth. By definition, if bullies stop harassing or abusing you because you appease them or if their hearts melt because you love them enough, they’re not real bullies.

And I just read another fabulous example.

The “Shahnameh – The Persian Book of Kings,” by Abolqasem Ferdowsi, written between 980 and 1010 AD, is part of the universal and ancient wisdom tradition that contains a more accurate view of human nature, character and interactions than is found in the wishful thinking of most modern parenting, self-help and psychotherapy literature.

Here’s the story. Good King Feraydun is old and divides his kingdom between his three sons. He gives the oldest the eastern part, the middle son the western part and to the youngest, the best and most able, he gives the central part, including Persia. Soon, the older two become jealous and angry. They band together and raise a great army to defeat the youngest son and strip him of his kingdom. Ah, we’ve heard that theme before. Remember Charlemagne and also “King Lear,” to name just two.

The worthy and noble youngest son, Iraj, says that his brothers and peace are more important to him than his kingdom and the bloodshed that a war will cause. He says that he will travel to them unarmed and will give them his kingdom. “I’ll speak to them in kindness; this will be better than angry words and enmity.”

Feraydun replies, “My wise son, your brothers look for war, while you look for reconciliation. I am reminded of the saying that one should not be surprised that the moon radiates moonlight: your answer is noble and your heart is filled with love. But what will happen to a man who knowingly places his head in the dragon’s maw? Surely poison will destroy him, since this is the dragon’s nature?”

You can imagine the rest of the story. Iraj is welcomed with open arms and sweet words by his brothers. He is wined and dined. Later that night, his brothers “washed all shame from their eyes,” sneaked into his tent, split him from head to foot with daggers and cut off his head.

There are many other examples in the world’s literature – think of all the saints (of every faith) who were martyred, sometimes by dissidents even within their faith. If you insist on peaceful means as the only means you will try, if you insist on putting your head in the dragon’s maw, then be prepared to be poisoned 99 times out of a hundred.

On the other hard, if you want to keep your children safe when they’re away from home, if you want to keep them safe from cyber bullying, then get coaching, consulting and real-world books so you can prepare them to face real-world bullies with skill and effective strategy. You may want formulas and rules, but you’ll learn more from case studies and examples that you can adjust to your specific situation. Their self-esteem and self-confidence depend on your helping them be successful.

In her forthcoming memoir, “Miley Cyrus: Miles to Go,” Miley reveals that her younger days were spent “being teased, tortured and humiliated by school bullies.” The “Hannah Montana” star says she was “friendless, lonely and miserable,” and believes she would have been physically harmed if the abuse hadn't stopped.” Miley writes, “The girls took it beyond normal bullying. These were big, tough girls. I was scrawny and short. They were fully capable of doing me bodily harm.”
Most of the comments on many sites focus on the wrong areas.

People respond as if the important thing is whether they like Miley or hate her, whether they feel sorry for her or they want to see her hurt because she’s so rich and famous, whether they think she’s a selfish, twit who deserves what she got.

The important areas to focus on are: It happened to Miley, it happens to most kids, it happens to our kids. What can our children and teenagers do and what can we do?

Other people can take forever trying to educate and convert bullies and their parents, but not me. Stopping bullying doesn’t begin with understanding bullies or with their psychotherapy and rehabilitation. Educating bullies and their parents begins when they find out that the old tactics don’t work. Beginning by trying to educate them means that the rest of the kids remain victims until bullies decide to stop bullying (if ever). Instead, protect kids now; stop bullies first and then educate them.

Therefore, the lessons we can learn from Miley Cyrus are that in order to stop bullies and bullying we need:

Principals and other administrators who want to stop bullying.

Federal laws that require each school to create programs defining and prohibiting specific bullying behaviors and that hold principals liable if they fail to stop bullying.

School anti-bullying policies with specific behaviors spelled out. That way, principals and teachers will be supported in preventing bullying and, when bullying is discovered, in tackling bullies and their parents. Also, the principals who don’t want to act will be forced to, because they’ll be more afraid of the publicity and penalties they’ll get if they don’t stop bullying than they are now of the parents of the bullies.

Children, teenagers and parents who respond immediately; who don’t let bullying pass by; who call it like it is; who use the word “bully.” They’re alerting the rest of us and rallying us to be their allies and to help them resist.

In addition to professional experience, I learned practical, pragmatic methods growing up in New York City and then watching our six children and their friends and enemies. And we live in Denver, home of Columbine High School.

For years I’ve watched bullies disrupt professional meetings and create hostile workplaces. It’s bad enough when team members dominate meetings, but it’s always worse if it’s the boss who’s a control freak.
Here are the top 10 tactics I’ve seen them use. What situations and actions irritate and frustrate you most?

These methods are even worse when they’re repeatedly used. But of course, that’s a sign of bullying behavior; bullies don’t change. My top 10 are:

Unprepared and latecomers – especially when they make a loud entrance.

Interrupters – they may be show-offs or clowns; they may interrupt vocally or by eating and drinking loudly or they may use their cell phones, Blackberrys or computers. They have the attention span of two year-olds.

Boring ramblers with their lengthy personal conversations or digressions.

Naysayers – they are relentlessly negative and can put down and block every proposal; “There are problems, we tried that, nothing ever works except my ideas.”

Angry people who indulge in personal attacks and put-downs, belittling and bringing up old errors. They’re often defensive but, after a while, who cares about their psychotherapy?

Nit-pickers, distracters and side trackers who are full of irrelevant facts. They prevent progress by correcting or arguing over irrelevant details. They may want to re-think every previous decision; they never take action.

Side conversation experts – their ideas, whims or self-important witticisms seem to them more important than the agenda.