Group Therapy: Obsessing Over My Husband's Ex-Girlfriend

My husband and I have been together for almost three years. We met in March 2008, and started dating right away. We broke up in August because he said "he was still in love with his ex."He realized shortly after we broke up that he made a huge mistake and asked for me back and we got back together in January 2009, and got married in June 2011.

I don't know why but I can't stop obsessing about this ex that he broke up with me for. I look at her Facebook pictures, her Myspace, and I feel like I have to live up to this person I have never even met. I look at her pictures and think about how much prettier she is than me, even though when I showed her picture to some of my friends, they didn't think she is pretty at all. My husband does not even talk to her anymore, and he hasn't for years. I feel like a crazy person when I say that I feel like I have to live up to this person, when I don't even know her. Every time my husband and I get in a fight, I constantly have it running through my head that it's because he wants to be with her not me. But he married me so I don't know why I think that.

I tried talking to him about it too, I told him what I do . . . I ask him questions about their relationship, but why do I care so much and let it bother me? It also really bothers me that his friends bring her up sometimes too . . . I don't know why it bothers me so much and I don't know why I obsess over this person I don't know, but I feel like I can't get passed it and it's ruining our relationship.

I love my husband so much, and I would give anything to feel better and not let this haunt me. Please help.

just curious, are you on any kind of hormonal birth control? i was on the pill for several years and i had similar obsessive thoughts about my boyfriend and his ex girlfriends. same insecurities and feeling the need to live up to these other women. i've been off the pill for nearly a year now and i feel like myself again. i had never really had insecurity/jealousy issues until i started the pill.

I know when i cant stop thinking about other women my man was with or i am feeling less than the other exe's it is my ptsd/anxiety and depression, usually i need to take anti depressants or anxity reducing medicane's to stop the negative thoughts and then identify triggers such as last night i needed physical touch intamacy and he did not meet my needs so today i am feeling insecure and address it with him by asking what is that i can do to help you meet my needs? such as if i have the bath clean by 9pm can you run me a bath and candles? or if i have dinner cooked by 6pm can you sit with me on the couch and read together at 7pm, there is a great book and online quizes you guys can read and do together called 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, it is a must read for a healhty lasting relationship. another thing is as human we have a to do list in our head and if our list is filled with all the what we are not or not good at we criticize ourself harsh, we must let old habits die hard and fill our to do lists with things and thoughts about what we are or can do, a personal exercise i did recently is get a candle and on a bunch of little slips of paper put all my negative thoughts and burn them and kept doing it until i started to believe in myself worth

You do say that you realize he chose you over her, but you don't seem to really feel that way. Have you talked to him about this?
I have to wonder if he puts you down or otherwise makes you feel like he'd rather be with someone else. Maybe I'm off base, but your significant other should make you believe that he's happy to be with you and that you are the one for him.
Whether it's that or just your own insecurities, can't go wrong with counseling.

I'm going to reiterate what the other posters said: he chose you, not her. You have to understand that five months of dating is a short amount of time. He thought he was still in love with his ex, and didn't want to be in a relationship with you where he felt that he couldn't give you his all. After a short period of time, he sorted out his feelings and realized he wasn't in love with her after all, that he was in love with you. He chose to come back to you; he's only human, he made a mistake. It's not like he left you for her because he thinks she's prettier or better than you. In all honesty, he left you for her because he had a connection with her- a history. He was familiar and comfortable with her, considering your relationship with him was so short (so I'm guessing his relationship with the other woman was longer and more recent). All that is in the past now. Focus on the present, and don't ruin a good thing. You husband loves you, not here. Although he once loved her, he no longer does. And you need to realize that. Stop obsessing; it's unhealthy and makes you needy and insecure. One word of advice, next time your husband's friends bring her up (which is very disrespectful, by the way), you and your husband should just steer the conversation away from that topic. That'll send the message that his ex-girlfriend is not a cool topic.

I think professional therapy/couples counseling might help. I understand where you are coming from on some level. He left you for her. Why did he return to you? was it because of love or because she no longer wanted him. It's important to get to the bottom of things so there can never, ever be a repeat performance. I think you've "won" too but that you two still have some things to sort through and put behind you once and for all. He can't just sweep that stuff under the rug, it was a major trauma for you and you want to feel completely safe in your marriage. To know that someone can't come and take him away when things get rough. I'm speaking from experience. It sounds like he loves you but you need to perhaps talk to a therapist so you can ultimately feel secure.
Also, maybe at the end of the day maybe you are idolizing something or someone that he realized did'nt mean much to him in the end. You guys need to talk, to separate fantasy from reality(you fantasize she was this great love with no flaws) and when you feel you know all you need to know you need to make a concerted effort to put it behind you.

He chose YOU! Get over your insecurities, and realize that you are wasting time, and energy obsessing about a problem that doesn't exist. Refocus this wasted energy into your relationship. If you can't get past this by yourself, seek professional help.

But you've won! You married the man. And, he stopped talking to her. // I think that this isn't something your husband can fix. Maybe you can talk to a therapist about it? They'll help you get to the root of the problem and you'll be able to move on.