Autobiographical texts of St. John of Kronstadt

There exists a short autobiographical sketch — the only one — composed by
St. John of Kronstadt which appeared in 1888 in the magazine Sever (North).
We will reproduce here it in full:

I am the son of a churchman from the village of Soursk, district of
Pinezhsk, province of Archangelsk. From very early childhood, as early as I can
remember, at the age of four or five, perhaps even earlier, my parents taught
me to pray and by their religious frame of mind made me a religiously-minded
boy. At home, in my sixth year, Father brought be a primer, and Mother began to
teach me the alphabet; but reading and writing came to me with great
difficulty, which was the cause of no little sorrow to me. I just couldn’t
master the identity between our speech and writing; in my time reading and
writing were not taught as it is now: we were all taught ‘Az’ (for ‘A’),
‘Boukee’ (for ‘B’), Vedi,’ etc., as if ‘A’ were one thing and ‘Az’ a different
thing. For a long time did this wisdom elude me, but having been taught by
Father and Mother to pray, grieving over my failures in studies, I prayed
fervently to God, so that He would grant me understanding — and I remember how,
suddenly, it was as if a veil were lifted from my mind, and I began to
comprehend studies well. When I was ten I was taken to the Archangelsk parish
school. My father, naturally, received a very small salary, so that it must
have been terribly difficult to live. I already understood the real position of
my parents, and for this reason my inability at school was indeed a calamity. I
thought little of the significance my studies would have on my future, and
grieved especially over how Father was needlessly spending his last means to
support me.

Left in Archangelsk completely alone, I was deprived of my parents and had
to arrive at everything myself. Among the boys of my age group in class, I did
not find, nor did I seek, support or assistance; they were all more able than
I, and I was the last pupil. Anguish took hold of me. Then it was that I turned
for help to the Almighty, and a change took place in me. In a short time I
moved forward to such an extent that I ceased to be the last pupil. The further
I went, the better and better I became in my studies, and by the end of the
courses was among the first transferred to the seminary, which I finished first
in 1851 and was sent to the Petersburg Academy on a full scholarship. While
still in the seminary, I lost my dearly beloved father, and my old mother
remained without any means of support. Right after seminary I wanted to take up
the position of deacon or psalmist so as to have the means of supporting her,
but she passionately opposed this, and I set out for the Academy. In the
Academy’s board of administration, the position of clerks was then filled by
students for the most insignificant salary (about ten roubles a month), and I
gladly agreed to accept the offer of the Academy’s secretary to take this
position, so as to send this money to Mother. Having completed my course of
studies as a candidate in theology in 1855, I went as a priest to Kronstadt,
having married Elizabeth, the daughter of Archpriest K.N. Nesvitsky, who is
alive even to this day; I do not have and have never had any children. From the
very first day of my high service to the Church, I set myself the rule: to
regard my task of pastorship and priesthood as conscientiously as possible, to
pay strict attention to myself and to my inner life. With this aim I, first of
all, began to read the Holy Writ of the Old and New Testaments, extracting from
it all that was edifying to myself, as a man generally and as a priest in
particular. Later I began to keep a diary, where I wrote down my battle with
thoughts, with passions, my penitent feelings, my silent prayers to God and my
grateful emotions for having been delivered from temptations, woes and
tribulations. Every Sunday and Holy Day I would deliver sermons and discourses
in church, either prepared by myself, or from the sermons of Metropolitan
Gregory. Some of my discourses have been published: On the Blessed
Trinity, On the Creation of the World, and On the
Gospel’s Beatitudes. Apart from preaching I came to take care of the poor
like myself and - about twenty years ago, in 1874 — conceived the idea of
setting up in Kronstadt a 'Working House for the poor', and which the Lord
helped to bring about fifteen years ago. — That’s all.

"That’s all!" All of St. John is in this concluding exclamation —
similar to those with which he would, now and again, express the
"simplicity" of his heart during reading in church, wholly engrossing
himself into what became the subject of his attention. St. John does not see
himself as separate and apart from his life’s vocation — he was wholly in it,
and for this reason he was able to regard himself "simply" even from
the outside and to speak about himself: he is an obedient tool, and it is the
Lord’s business to employ this tool for this or that, himself being nothing
more than a most ordinary servant.

Let us look at another document which will show how St. John sees himself —
precisely in the image of a priest. This is his first sermon, delivered by him
at his first Liturgy in St. Andrew’s Cathedral in Kronstadt on the Savior’s
words: "Feed my lambs."

These words of the supreme Chief Pastor Christ are familiar to all of us,
my brethren, because you have not infrequently heard them during the reading of
the Gospel at all-night vigils on Saturday evenings; you also know to whom they
were said: I will repeat them as they were said to the Apostle Peter, and were
said thrice, as a sign of the threefold reinstatement of the Apostle, who had
thrice renounced his Lord. The Lord mystically addresses these same words to us
also, unworthy pastors of His spiritual flock, when He calls us, through the
medium of a bishop, to the pastoral service. The Lord’s words reached also the
ears of my own heart: 'Feed my lambs,’ commanding me to feed you, His spiritual
lambs.

I am aware of the exaltedness of the office and the responsibilities
attached to it; I can feel my frailty and unworthiness in carrying out the
highest calling on earth, that of a priest; but I am relying on the grace and
mercy of God, healing the weak and replenishing the failing. I know what is
capable of making me more or less worthy of this office and able to carry out
this calling: it is love toward Christ and you, my beloved brethren. This is
why the Lord also, in reinstating the disciple who had renounced Him in the
rank of Apostle, thrice asked him: ‘Lovest thou Me?’ and after each one of his
answers: ‘I love Thee,’ repeated to him: ‘Feed My lambs, feed My sheep.’

Love is a great force: it makes even the weak strong, and the small great,
and the insignificant worthy of deep respect, and the hitherto unknown and
strange, it soon makes close and amiable. Such is the nature of pure,
evangelical love. May the Lord Who is full of love toward all grant also to me
a spark of that love; may he inflame it in me with His Holy Spirit.

Exalted, I said, is the calling of a priest. For whose office is it? It is
Christ’s office. He is the only High Priest, the first and the last, offering a
sacrifice and being brought in sacrifice for all; He is Alpha and Omega, the
first and the last; we are arrayed with the grace of His priesthood, He Himself
officiates in us and through us. Consequently, we ourselves must also deeply
honor our office, and you, brethren, must for your own worthiness and salvation
deeply honor this office and submit to the bearers of it, being indulgent
towards their frailties and deficiencies. For although we are exalted by our
office, our nature is the same as yours, weak and subject to stumbling. And
what mortal human can fully measure up to the height and holiness of the office
of priesthood? If we are to take into consideration only one thing, that a
priest, standing before the very throne of God in an earthly church, must so
often perform the life-endowing awesome Mysteries of Christ, must intercede for
the instruction and guidance of the Church, on behalf of the whole world, for
the welfare of God’s churches in the whole universe and the unification of all
dissenters; to bring an offering of gratitude for all the saints: forefathers,
patriarchs, prophets, apostles, evangelists, martyrs, the ascetics and for all
blessed souls; to pray for the living and the dead — then what an angelic
worthiness is required for that? Is this a task for our frailty, when we, on
account of our sins, would not dare open our mouths even for ourselves, so as
to implore heavenly justice and mercy for our own sins? No, this is the work of
the highest grace, this is the work of the countless good things which Christ
has done for us. He is the Interceder and the One Who accepts intercessions.
While if we are to take into consideration also the performance of the rest of
the mysteries, particularly baptism, confession, marriage, extreme unction:
what holiness is required, what a wealth of Christ’s love, from the priest
performing these sacraments. For in all prayers and officiations, belonging to
the content of the sacraments, there breathes the spirit of God’s infinite love
toward the human race, (the spirit) of mercy, extreme condescension, sanctity
and incorruptibility.

Yet again, there is the preaching of God’s Word, the proclaiming of the eternal
truths of the Gospel in a language readily understandable by all, imbued with
the spirit of evangelical love, so as to teach, enlighten, correct, confirm,
guide along the path leading to eternity: what a lofty and difficult duty this
is! Without a doubt, the grace of God will help us in everything, if we will be
worthy of it, and if you will try to walk in, or to live worthily of, your
lofty Christian calling. And so, here, brothers and sisters, is my first word
to you in church, with which I make your acquaintance. Accept it with an open,
straightforward and kind heart, accept me into your love, and remember me
before the Lord in your prayers, which you daily raise up to Him. I will
conclude it with an apostolic blessing: 'The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ,
and the love of God the Father, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with
you all. Amen.’

After twenty-five years, St. John was greeted in the same church, when a
precious cross was given to him. He replied to
his flock thus:

Thank you for having regarded my frailties with benevolence. Yes, I am
replete with frailties; I know my frailties, but the power of God is perfected
in weakness, and it was wonderfully perfected in me during my twenty-five years
service in the priesthood, and, I dare say — for I’ll be telling the truth —
through me it was perfected in many simple believers in an evident, palpable
manner. Glory be to grace! Glory be to the Lord Jesus Christ, Who has granted
us grace upon grace! I am telling you about this power of God in me so that you
will, together with me, praise our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, Whose
grace and mercy has not grown weaker even now, as it will not grow weaker until
the end of time, which was performed within me every day and many times a day
by Christ’s grace. I cannot estimate the countless multitude of snares of the
prince of the world and attacks of passions, destroyed by the grace and power
of Christ within me, by my silent prayer of faith, on account of heartfelt
confession and especially through the power of Divine Communion! What angelic,
all-embracing mind will count all of God’s mysterious gifts to my soul — the
blessed gifts of mercy, cleanliness, blessedness, enlightenment, peace, tender
emotion, freedom and spiritual breadth, joy in the Holy Spirit, the audacity
and strength and multifarious aid, which I invisibly received throughout all
the days of my service. I cannot count the innumerable blessed healings —
spiritual and physical, performed by the Lord within me through the heartfelt
calling of His wonderful name. Glory be to God our Savior! He sees that I am
not falsely sending up to Him this glory. Only by Him and of His Name am I
glorious, while without Him — dishonorable; only by Him powerful, while without
Him — infirm; with Him holy, without Him — replete with sins; with Him I dare,
without Him I am cowardly; with Him I am meek and humble, without Him I am
irritable and not blessed. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His
Name together.

Considerably later, on his seventieth birthday on 19 October 1899, St.
John, casting his mind back and again recalling the words of the Apostle that
the power of God is perfected in weakness, said:

Who of those who knew me in childhood could have thought that I would live
to be over seventy, which (age), according to the Prophet, represents the
extreme limit of the life of man, this earthly wanderer? I grew up sickly,
weak, and in my very infancy a severe illness, smallpox, almost brought me to
the grave — I was a hair’s breadth away from death, to use the apt expression.
The Lord preserved my life — I recovered and began to grow. When the time was
ripe for me to begin my schooling — I was brought to school, studies were
unintelligible to me — I had not been prepared for them at home; I had to arrive
at understanding and learning by myself; I was aware of and felt my
helplessness, jealousy regarding the successes of my classmates — and began to
ask for help and understanding from God, Who gives to all men liberally and
upbraideth not (James 1:5), in the words of St. James the Apostle — and the
Lord opened my mind: I was enlightened by Divine Light, reading and writing
became clear to me, and I began to advance in my studies in proportion to my age
and the educational aim. But even then, during studies, how many illnesses I
had to experience!

In poor physical
health, I completed three educational and instructional schools: lower, middle
and high, gradually forming and developing three spiritual forces: the mind,
heart and will, as the image of a tripartite soul, created in the image of the
Holy, Life-creating Trinity. The highest Church school, which is known as the
Theological Academy, had a salutary influence upon me. Theological,
philosophical, historical and various other studies, widely and deeply taught,
clarified and widened my contemplation of the world, and I, by the grace of
God, began to delve into the depths of theological contemplation, coming to
know more and more the depth of God’s grace, which has created all things
wisely, beautifully, beneficently, having subjected all creatures to firm,
vital harmonic laws; my mind and heart were especially captivated by the wise
and wonderful plan for the salvation of the perishing human race through the
Divine Lamb of Jesus Christ, which taketh away the sin of the world (St. John
1:29); the religious feeling, which was instilled within me by my devout
parents, developed and grew stronger. Having read the Bible with the Gospel and
many works of Chrysostom and other ancient Fathers, as well as the Russian
Chrysostom, Philaret of Moscow, and other Church orators, I felt a special
attraction to the calling of a priest and began to implore the Lord that He
would grant me the grace of priesthood and pastorship of His human flock.
Contemplating the wonderful plan of God for the salvation of the human race, so
full of love, I wept ample and hot tears, burning with the desire to assist in
the salvation of perishing humanity. And the Lord fulfilled my desire. Soon
after completing my formal education I was elevated to the height of the
priestho

And thus I have passed forty years in this calling, offering up to God
supplications, prayers, intercessions and giving of thanks for all men, for
kings, and for all that are in authority (II Timothy 2:1-2) and offering,
almost daily, the bloodless Sacrifice, reconciling creatures with their
Creator, for the Lord has given priests the ministry of reconciliation (II
Corinthians 5:18), through which I also reconcile myself daily with the Just
Judge Who is daily angered by me, and reconcile people, averting His just
anger, which moves against us as a result of our sins, turning men away from
crooked, pernicious ways and indicating the true paths. I thank the Lord for
having given me the opportunity and faculty, through frequent Divine Services,
to learn the whole round of Church service-books, to master their wise contents
and richness of subject, their images of the greatest, saving confession of
sinners and God’s mercy toward penitents, the whole depth of theology, the full
sweetness of the hymns of praise to God and wonderful praises to the Mother of
God, love toward God and various feasts of countless saints.

I thank the Lord for having favored me with being born and raised in, and
being a priest of, the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church, to be Her member,
though an unworthy one, and to have been favored with intercession for Her
before God, for I do not depend upon my own works, which I do not have, but
upon all that the Lord Jesus Christ has done for us, redeeming me from sin, the
curse and death with His Blood, upon the prayers of the Mother of God, the Holy
Angels and all the Saints. They will entreat the Lord for me, and He will lead
me into His heavenly kingdom.

CONVERSATION

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