Satire: Bob Woodward New U.S. Defense Secretary

Scott Ott takes aim at Rummy and the Washington Post in one fell swoop. On the eve of the sheer insanity that is the U.S. midterm elections, rumors that Rummy may be replaced by the level headed Washington Post reporter, Bob Woodward may have indeed been uncovered by investigative reporter Scott Ott at ScrappleFace. Scott’s article points to Mr. Woodward’s innate gift to foster clandestine confidence from even the most tight lipped of senior administrative White House officials, rivaling that of a personal papal confession. “You gotta spill your guts to Bob,” stated one undisclosed source, “He’s just that kind of guy!”

(WASHINGTON) “White House sources today said that President George Bush, under increasing pressure to “win the peace” in Iraq, will fire embattled Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and nominate Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward as his replacement.

The unnamed sources said White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card made the recommendation to the president after reading Mr. Woodward’s new book “State of Denial.”

“It’s clear that Bob Woodward gets more solid information from people at the Pentagon, State Department, National Security Council and White House than Rumsfeld does,” said one anonymous official. “Rummy and Bush are arrogant and work in a vacuum which leads to bad decisions. Everybody talks to Woodward, plus he’s humble and nobody has a better grasp on what would have worked in a given situation.”

Mr. Woodward declined to comment for the record, but unnamed associates said the venerated journalist would “jump at the chance to use his fabled powers of hindsight to lead the Pentagon. Plus it would allow him to work more closely with all of his unnamed friends in the top echelons of government.”

Bob Woodward is best-known for a series of anonymously-sourced articles he wrote with Carl Bernstein more than three decades ago that resulted in a movie starring Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman.” — Scott Ott / ScrappleFace