7 Updates ‘The Message’ Totally Needs

The Message was totally saucey when it was published, but let’s face the facts: the popular paraphrase of the Bible is getting a little long in the tooth.

The majority of the loose translation was first put out in the ’90s, you feel me?

Eugene Peterson, we hope you’re listening. Here are seven long-awaited, and desperately needed updates to your famous paraphrase of the Scriptures, courtesy of your friends at The Babylon Bee.

1.) 1 Corinthians needs to be renamed “Squad Goals.” Paul’s first canonical letter to the church at Corinth is all about setting a standard of unity and Christlikeness that the church should strive to live up to, even today. But with a boring name like “1 Corinthians,” you might not really connect with its powerful message. A lit name like “Squad Goals” better communicates Paul’s vision and heart for the unity of the church.

2.) Paul should sign his letters with a cool hashtag like #staywoke. Paul often finished his letters with a benediction, but they really lack the “oomph” kids these days expect from a sick Tweet or Facebook post. All the Pauline letters need to be appended with a grip of hashtags like #staywoke, #micdrop, or #blessed.

3.) The Psalms should be entirely replaced with U2’s discography. How is modern man supposed to connect with Hebrew songs from thousands of years ago? And we all know the Irish rock band’s lyrics are pretty much canon anyway, so they’ll fit right in the middle of the wisdom books. U2’s 1997 release “Pop” is excluded, of course.

4.) Archaic words like “dope” and “phat” should be modernized with terms like “lit” and “fire.” The current version of The Message uses words like “dope,” “phat,” “the bomb,” and “tight” over three hundred times. But those words just aren’t going to cut it in connecting with today’s youth. These words are in desperate need of replacing with modern versions like “lit,” “sauce,” and “fire.”

5.) The Old Testament history books are just asking to get replaced with exciting episodes of Reading Rainbow. The history of the people of Israel? A little dull, fam. Going on an adventure through fantastical literary worlds with Star Trek star LeVar Burton? Much better. Eugene, if you’re reading out there somewhere, let’s cut out most of the OT and throw in some transcripts from the very best of Reading Rainbow.

6.) Sprinkle references to hit TV shows and movies throughout the text. We’re glad Peterson included modern idioms like “these hard times are small potatoes” and “crooked as a corkscrew” to connect with the young adults of the ’90s, but any new edition of The Message should really up the ante. How about references to Breaking Bad, Stranger Things, and Game of Thrones to really make God’s Word come alive? Jesus should totally say, “I am the one who knocks!” You’re welcome.

7.) All references to Jesus should be substituted with “The J-Man.” Other titles for the Savior are acceptable of course, like “Savior-Diggity and “JC Master Rhymes.” But whichever lit terms for the Messiah are used, we’ve got to make sure the new version of The Message emphasizes the down-to-earth casual nature of the Lord of all creation.