A pop star? I thought Kanye West was a train station... and other gloriously funny one-liners from this year's comedy DVDs

Le Mack's DVD Hit The Road Mac was given a laugh rating of six out of ten

Millions of us will be ho-ho-hoing along with Santa this Christmas thanks to all the comedy DVDs on sale. Harry Hill, Miranda and Lee Evans are just a few of the top comedians serving up a feast of festive fun. Here, Tim Oglethorpe picks his favourites.

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LEE MACK: HIT THE ROAD MACK

WHAT IS IT? Not Going Out star Lee entertains the audience at the Hammersmith Apollo.

BEST JOKES: ‘Woman goes to a doctor and he asks her: “What’s wrong?” She says: “I feel like a wigwam and a tepee.” And he says: “The problem with you is you’re two tense.”’

‘I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said: “Please don’t bend.” So how was I supposed to pick it up?’

FAMILY VIEWING? No. Adult themes.

LAUGH RATING: 6/10.

COST: £9.99.

LEE EVANS: MONSTERS LIVE

WHAT IS IT? Half a million people saw Lee’s recent stand-up tour — this show was recorded at Birmingham’s National Indoor Arena.

BEST JOKES: ‘I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.’

‘Must be a nightmare living with someone who’s had Botox. You never know what they’re thinking.’

‘I gave up cigarettes to try to kick my addiction to nicotine and started smoking electrical cigarettes. Now I’m addicted to electricity. I l ick a roll-up and stick it in the electric socket.’

‘Attention Deficit Disorder: why did they give it such a long name? And why is dyslexia such a difficult word to spell? It’s not even a word, just a jumble of letters.’

‘Why do people end their mobile phone conversations by saying: “Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.” They don’t start them by saying, “Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi”, do they?’ ‘Have you ever noticed how the nearer a tattoo is to a person’s face, the madder they are?’

‘Have you noticed how quickly women change when they come home from a night out and go into the bedroom to change? My wife goes in as Winona Ryder, comes out as Shaun Ryder.’

FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing and sexual references.

LAUGH RATING: 8/10.

COST: £12.99.

RUSSELL HOWARD: WONDERBOX LIVE

Jack Whitehall's latest DVD is from his Wembley Arena gig

WHAT IS IT? The comedian at the Bristol Hippodrome.

BEST JOKES: ‘Why is abbreviated such a long word?’

‘I miss being a kid. Do you know what I miss most about being a kid? Having fun — and living dangerously. You know, eating After Eight mints at 4.15 in the afternoon.’

‘Remember how we used to pretend we’d read books at school to try to fool the teacher? “What a great book, Miss, although I hope I’m never as grumpy as the main character, that Les Miserables.”

FAMILY VIEWING? No.

LAUGH RATING: 6/10.

COST: £10.

JACK WHITEHALL GETS AROUND: LIVE FROM WEMBLEY ARENA

WHAT IS IT? Posh Jack entertains with a set including routines about his public schooldays, Wayne Rooney and his girlfriend.

BEST JOKES: ‘The school bully was very rough, he was called Atticus Montague-Hoi. He was properly rough — he’d only been skiing twice in his life! My mother told me to say to him: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Great! As we all know, the one Achilles heel all bullies have is rhyming verse. They hear poetry and their powers just melt away.’

‘Algernon, my best friend, is a proper, like, geezer and rebel. He once drank an entire glass of red wine at dinner — with fish!’

FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing and adult themes.

LAUGH RATING: 5/10.

COST: £10.

AL MURRAY: ONE MAN, ONE GUVNOR

WHAT IS IT? The outspoken pub landlord puts the world to rights on stage at the Theatre Royal, Bath.

BEST JOKES: ‘Who needs teachers when you’ve got Google? Google isn’t inebriated on a Tuesday, it doesn’t take a third of the year off — or knock off at 3.15pm. I’d close all the schools and give all the kids laptops.’

Al Murray's One Man, One Guvnor is expletive-ridden adult humour and will set you back £10

‘Gap years, son, gap years? How about you take your gap year in Afghanistan? You’d “find yourself” there, all right. In a foxhole being shot at!’

‘Jesus said love thy neighbour, but I don’t think he took into account the invention of resident parking permits and the abuse thereof.’

‘Those are the rules. Where would we be if we didn’t have rules? I’d tell you where we’d be — France!’

FAMILY VIEWING? No. Expletive-ridden adult humour.

LAUGH RATING: 6/10.

COST: £10.

HARRY HILL LIVE: SAUSAGE TIME

WHAT IS IT? Madcap fun with Harry (pictured) at Grand Theatre, Leeds.

BEST JOKES: ‘Mum phoned from hospital and said: “I’m in bed with Morrissey.” I said: “Mum, I think you’ll find you’re in bed with MRSA.” ’

‘A rabbit needed a brain transplant but they could only find the brain of a hare. It was successful, although I have noticed that a lot of his schemes have since become increasingly … ill-conceived.’

‘I don’t keep up with technology. I’ve just got my holiday tapestries back from the weaver.’

‘I’ve just come back from drooling over an East European leader. You could say I slobbered on Milosevic.’

FAMILY VIEWING? Mild vulgarity.

LAUGH RATING: 9/10.

Harry Hill's Sausage Time DVD is described as 'madcap fun with Harry'

COST: £10.

FRANK SKINNER LIVE: MAN IN A SUIT

WHAT IS IT? Frank skewers targets from fame to picnics and Prince Charles at London’s Leicester Square Theatre.

BEST JOKES: ‘I like the idea of Robin Hood wearing green so that he could hide in the foliage in Sherwood Forest. But what did he do in autumn?’

‘Seeing my wife and I argue is like watching your favourite band in concert. First we go through some new material then we start rolling out our greatest hits, like the grudge I’ve held against her since 2005.’

FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing and sexual references.

LAUGH RATING: 5/10.

COST: £10.

SARAH MILLICAN: HOME BIRD LIVE

WHAT IS IT? The Geordie lets rip at Newcastle’s Tyne Theatre.

BEST JOKES: ‘I was looking round a house with a view to buying it and a builder friend, knowing how little I know about houses, said: “You need a damp proof course.” I genuinely said: “I haven’t got time to go to college.” ’

‘Kate Moss said: “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” She’s obviously never had millionaire shortbread, has she?’

‘The only time I see a photograph of anybody who looks like me in a woman’s magazine is under the word “Before.” ’

FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing.

LAUGH RATING: 6/10.

COST: £10.

JASON MANFORD: LIVE TOUR 2014, FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

WHAT IS IT? The Mancunian at the Liverpool Empire Theatre, in front of 2,500 people on everything from buying painkillers to kids’ toilet habits.

BEST JOKES: ‘The BBC is like the Super Mario computer game: there’s a boss at the end of every level.’

‘Predictive text can be a nightmare, can’t it? I once sent a very serious letter of complaint, in a hurry, that ended with the words: “Retards, Jason Mangoes” instead of “Regards, Jason Manford.” ’

‘I rang up a well-known British gas company recently and said I wanted to pay my bill. The lady on the phone said: “Have you got your customer service number, sir?”

‘I said: “I haven’t got it.” She said: “Well, we can’t proceed if you haven’t got that number.” And I said: “Why?” She said: “Fraud prevention.” I said: “What sort of fraudster is going to ring up and pay other people’s bills for them?”

WHAT IS IT? The show was recorded at London’s O2 as part of Miranda’s first-ever stand-up tour.

Miranda Hart's My, what I Call, Live Show is highly rated

BEST JOKES: ‘I’ve been single for so long now, when somebody says to me: “Who are you with?” I automatically say: “Vodafone.” ’

‘My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.’

The show starts with Miranda’s voice booming out: ‘Please welcome your hostess for this evening’s entertainment. She’s a beautiful, sexy, international sensation — and she’s written her own introduction!’

‘Anything goes at a party when you’re six. You can stuff your face and nobody will think you’re bulimic.

You can gallop round the room and stand in the corner with your skirt above your head, and nobody bats an eyelid. Do it in your 40s and people frown. Take it from me!’

‘I have some advice for parents of troublesome teenagers — give them a taste of their own medicine. Get home from work, slam the front door, kick your shoes off and leave them in the corridor so everybody else trips over them, head to the kitchen, eat everything out of the fridge, storm upstairs to your bedroom, put on some music really loudly — I suggest Elaine Paige’s show on Radio 2 — come out of the room two hours later, ask them for money and see how they like it!’

‘I love Beyonce, I’d like to be Beyonce. She has a body to die for: hips: ten out of ten; thighs: ten out of ten; arms: ten out of ten; legs: ten out of ten. Hips ten; thighs ten; arms ten; legs ten. That sounds like one of my KFC orders.’

FAMILY VIEWING? A few swear words and innuendo.

LAUGH RATING: 7/10.

COST: £10.

MICHAEL McINTYRE: SHOWTIME

WHAT IS IT? Not a new DVD but fun. McIntyre’s enduringly classic 2012 DVD from London’s 02, on seeing his wife dressing and embarrassing himself in front of the Queen.

BEST JOKES: ‘What really bugs me are people who have the same name spelt completely differently. Like Sarah. And Sara. Like Stuart and Stewart. Like Sean and Shaun. Why? Why, when they all sound the same, can’t they all be spelt the same?! What a waste of life!’

‘You shouldn’t be allowed to tell people they look tired. What are you supposed to do if somebody says you look tired, mid conversation? Go off and have a nap?’