The eternal struggle: getting your family to church on time. No matter how many times you yell at everyone that you’re all going to be late if you don’t get moving this instant, you still end up slipping in just before the sermon starts.

Well, not this Sunday. Because this Sunday, you’ve got The Babylon Bee on your side. We always show up to church with full minutes to spare, week in and week out, by following these five helpful tips.

1.) Wake everybody up with enough time to get ready, like at 2 or 3 am. If our experience is any indication, your family takes something like 7 hours to get ready for church. Why not get everybody up with plenty of time to brush their teeth, get dressed, and browse Facebook for a few hours? 2 or 3 am should do the trick.

2.) Empty a tub of angry scorpions in your teenager’s bed to get him movin’. Pick up a plethora of scorpions dirt-cheap on eBay, and save ’em for a morning when you’re running particularly late. Be aware, however, that many teenagers will continue sleeping in or texting in bed, even while being stung by angry scorpions, so a backup plan like a nest of irritated vipers or even a hungry grizzly bear is a must.

3.) Trick your family by telling them you’re skipping church to go to Disneyland. The ol’ Sunday morning switcheroo has gotten many a family to church on time. If you don’t live close enough to a major theme park for this to work, tell everyone you’re going to breakfast or brunch—really, anything other than church, and they’ll be in the van lickety-split. And by the way, if your church isn’t as exciting as Disneyland, what are you still doing there? Find a more adrenaline-packed Sunday morning experience!

4.) Pray a hedge of protection over your minivan as you blaze through every red light on the way to church. Rather than leaving with plenty of time to get to the service, back out of your driveway with mere seconds to spare, so that you’re forced to careen through every red light on the way—but be sure to pray a hedge of protection over your minivan first, so you’ll arrive in one piece.

5.) Open your car doors as you approach the sanctuary doors at top speed, so your family can tuck and roll right into the service. The key to making it to church on time is commitment. Hammer the gas pedal all the way through the church parking lot, fling your doors open, and scream at your family to dive out and roll straight into the foyer, past the welcome team, and into your favorite spot. Make sure they save a seat for you as you find parking three miles away in the “cherished members” section.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you attempt to make it to church on time, maybe for the very first time, this Sunday. We wish you good providence!