(Guy 2): He called me on his cell a little while ago. Said that he douched out on the ice on the way here and shat himself, and that he had to run home and change his pants because he didn't want to smell like shit.

{From a phoney-bologna Christmas song I came up with in late-2011}
...Then how the reindeer hated him,
As they shat themselves with fear (again!)
Rudolph the fucking reindeer,
Have a real fucked-up new year!!!