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What it’s like to become a widow in your 40s

One minute, she was happily married with two sons – aged 12 and nine – the next, her husband had died. We speak to Jemima Thomas about the unpredictable nature of grief, losing friends who thought she should move on and how it feels to be a widow, five years on…

Jemima’s husband passed away in September 2011. He was just 41 and although he was an alcoholic, it was a sudden and unexpected death. She talks us through the trauma of losing someone you love…

“My husband was a chronic alcoholic, but his death was very sudden and unexpected. He died on our 14th wedding anniversary, of a massive pulmonary embolism caused by DVT. We had been together for 17 years and have two sons together, who are now teenagers but were 12 and nine when their father died.

On the actual day it happened, I felt helpless; in shock. There was so much to do and so many people to contact that I didn’t really sit down for hours. It felt unreal and dreamlike (nightmare). It wasn’t until later that night that I collapsed screaming that I wanted him back.

I have found grieving to be cyclical in some ways. My grief did not/does not follow any prescribed stages. At the time he died and in the following weeks I felt that I was wondering around in a strange world. I was functioning and doing everything I needed to do in terms of looking after my boys and the house, but I don’t think that I was really thinking of him as gone. Every so often “reality” would hit and I would feel like I had been punched in the gut. I couldn’t catch my breath, I’d double over, I wanted to scream. I still have moments like this.

I can’t really say that I have been angry. I felt that his death was inevitable because of his drinking. I just felt an enormous sadness for him and everything that he was missing with the boys. Any anger I have felt, do feel, is more to do with what he put us through with his drinking. We loved him so much. I now just feel a profoundly deep, sadness.

Planning his funeral was bizarre, but also gave us a laugh as we looked for songs to play

Strange as it may seem, I have some very good memories of laughing and feeling happy in the days following. (Grief is weird!). My good friend came to stay and she had myself and the boys laughing within hours.

Planning his funeral was bizarre, but also gave us a laugh as we looked for songs to play. The song we first danced to after being married was “Smoke gets In Your Eyes,” and I did consider having that played as he was carried in. But, my friend reminded me his funeral was a cremation. We had fun imagining his old aunties’ faces…

His sister and I were actually giggling at his funeral. There was thunder and lightning, and hailstones were bouncing off the huge glass wall in front of us and the minister had to shout to be heard above the storm. My husband loved storms and he would have found it all so funny. People said to me later that they could tell I had been sobbing; I had to tell them I was giggling!

As soon as the first hymn was sung and the minister started talking about my husband the sky cleared, the hail stopped and a rainbow appeared. It was beautiful, but strange.

I do have happiness from time to time, I do laugh and carry on, but there is always the sadness in the background.

After he died, friends and family rallied around. I was rarely without someone visiting or phoning. Over time that trailed off

Becoming a widow

What has been most difficult about my husband dying is the real physical pain of him not being here anymore. The loneliness is worse though. I was once told I couldn’t claim to be lonely because I have children, but it’s not the same. At the moment I am on my day off from work and the house is quiet, apart from the TV, and I am lonely. I don’t mind my own company, but continually being alone is unpleasant.

After he died, friends and family rallied around. I was rarely without someone visiting or phoning. Over time that trailed off. I lost friends, too. They didn’t understand why, after a year or so, I was still grieving.

I used to post on Facebook about how I felt. But I lost friends (people I knew offline, too) and was called “toxic” and “negative.” I was told by several people to “suck it up.” Support dwindles as people move on, they don’t realise that your moving on is slower than theirs.

I sought professional counselling a few weeks after he died. However, I think I went too early. So it wasn’t really helpful.

The logistics

Dealing with the bureaucracy after he died was a nightmare. People were so insensitive and information hadn’t been passed on between departments.

The DWP tried to be helpful, but some of the questions they asked when I applied for bereavement benefits were very hurtful. “Where were you when your husband died?” My answer: “kneeling on the pavement next to him administering CPR.”

He collapsed a few yards from the local GP practice and I ran in there asking for help, only to be waved away by the receptionist and told there were no doctors available – despite me telling her he was not breathing. That helplessness was overwhelming. I complained later, but was basically told she hadn’t said that or waved me away, despite the uproar from witnesses against her after I had to leave without help. That upsets me to this day.

About six weeks after he died I received a telephone call with an appointment for my husband to attend a medical with regards to his benefits (he was no longer working when he died). I asked the date and time of the medical and assured them I would have him there just as soon as I picked up his ashes from the undertaker. I was so angry that the DWP hadn’t informed them of his death.

What I miss most is his company. His cuddles when I return home from work. His smell. His silliness. His laughter. His cooking…

In the early days, I wanted people to acknowledge what had happened with him. To not be afraid to speak to me about him. People are too frightened that they will upset or hurt you – but don’t realise that you can’t possibly be hurt any more than you already are.

I still want to talk about him, and for people to ask. I loved him; I still love him. He is the father of my children; of course I want to talk about him. I want people to know that I was loved, too. Talking about him still helps.

What I miss most is his company. His cuddles when I return home from work. His smell. His silliness. His laughter. His cooking… His help around the house. Just knowing that he’s there. I miss that. I just miss him.

To someone else going through a major bereavement, I’d say: don’t fight it. You need to go through it and express it in your own way. Not how books say you should, not how therapists or friends or family say it should be. Everyone’s grief experience is different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.”

Thank you for this I needed to read it. I was widowed last year ironically on my best friends birthday. It’s been nearly six months and I’m still devastated and lost, I just feel numb. My children are wonderful but they are also bloody hard work. Being a widow at 42 has destroyed me. He drank daily and a week after he died the curtain was still pulled open where he had been checking for the pizza delivery boy. Much love to you from someone who understands.

I am still a fairly new widow. My husband died from a pulmonary embilism as well, only his was associated with Multiple Myeloma. My husband dies on October 5, 2016, just 4 days before my birthday. 5 days before his death, he recieved a great and very hopeful check up. Only one 1 cm sized mass was visible in his petscan and he was scheduled to have just 5 short radiation treatments that were expected to kill the cancer in it. We were so hopeful.
My husband was very tired on Satuday evening, and said he wanted to rest a while. He died in the early morning on Tuesday. I believe he knew he was not going to leave the hospital alive because his conversation was different on Monday night in ICU. He said he was so happy that God sent me to him, he made me promise to go on a vacation, and he reminded me of the first time we saw eachother, 16 years before. It was only after he passed that I realized he was telling me “Goodbye”.
Well, I was dojng pretty well, or at least I wasn’t crying as much until recently. We have 5 children. 3 are adults, hoeever 1 has multiple disabilities. The 2 children are 12 and 10. My 10 year old has severe autism. This has always been challenging, but with my husband, it didn’t seem as hard. My brother-in-law graciously offered to have my adult disabled son move in with him immediately following the funeral. I see my son every weekend and his moving with my inlaw has lifted a tremendous amount of stress. He is very happy.

2 weeks ago, My 10 yr old started having seizures. I did not expect this, nor have i ever experienced this before. This sparked a whole new wave of grief for me. I never expected to deal with my son alone. We were not just husband and wife, we were frinds, we were companions, we were a team. I find my self crying at night, losing my appetite, refusing outings. Depressed again. I am lonely and very afraid everyday.

I don’t know what to do with this new phase. There are no help books for grieving widows with special needs children. Your story was the closest to mind which is why I responded. I am praying for your healing. Pmease pray fir mine as well.

My name Kathy I’m a mother of 13 I lost my hushand in a car accident my children are also special needs one is bipolar one has Austum and is adhd 6 are adhd I have a 3 year old and a 4 year old that are still at home while 8 goes to school no not easy being a widow I’m 43 is pray take walks just breath take one day at a time don’t worry about if your house is clean take time away from everyday life and enjoy your kids go to the park play ball run with them listen to music dance with your kids when everything is quite kids are sleeping his not really gone he’s inside you and kids and he can hear u in your heart he will always be there in life u only have one soul mate it’s ok to cry it’s ok to feel alone we as mom are playing both role mom and dad it’s not easy job but talk with the kids do house work together and have fun together there’s a reason foreverything we can’t question it only god knows what his plans are for us moms but we as momshave to stand together because our kids need us were there hero’s

I lost my husband on February 1 of this year. He too was an alcoholic and had been battling it for years. We had just separated and my 13 year old daughter and I moved in with my parents. I had hoped our moving out would be the jolt he needed to stick with AA or to seek professional help. At first he seemed to get worse, but then he started getting better. He had hope again and I was just starting to recognize my best friend again when he passed in his sleep of a heart attack. He was 43. We were married 19 years and even though we were separated I loved him with all my heart and I miss him everyday. It’s difficult to tell people of his alcoholism. People immediately think of this mean abuser and that wasn’t him. He was a gentle giant who never met a stranger and loved living. His last year was an awful one, sleeping, not working, avoiding most people. All things that were not him. I was so angry with him for not seeking help and now that he’s gone I’m sad, lonely, and mad as hell he left me and our daughter. Some people think I shouldn’t be so hurt, after all we were separated and he was an alcoholic. They don’t understand I never thought he’d die, I always held on to the hope he’d get better and be the man I fell in love with two decades ago. My daughter and I still can’t believe he’s gone. Almost three months later and it’s like we’re still in shock.
Thank you for this article. Sorry to have made this comment so long, but I actually feel a little better. I am extremely grateful to have found this article. Thank you for sharing.

You may never read this Jennifer but I understand everything you have written. I lost my husband August 2016. He was also an alcoholic but he was a good man. Addiction is something that I struggled to understand and still struggle to understand. That last year of his life was hard on him and on us. I prayed for him everyday to beat it. On this New Year I am feeling sadder than usual. This is the 3rd New Year without him.

This is very similar to my situation. My husband was an alcoholic. He passed 2 months ago and I am lost, confused and not sure how I am to move on. We were separated but not because I didn’t love him but because I couldn’t save him. I held his hand and talked to him as he passed. His family watched and cried and said they didn’t know it was so bad, but they knew. A few tried to help but it wasn’t enough. It is such a strange situation to be in. I miss him. I am lonely. I can’t believe at 45 I am a widow. We were supposed to grow old together. Reading these stories reassures me that I am not alone and I am a strong woman like you and I am going through the normal process of shock, grief, and I will be fine. I want to tell my husband, I miss us. Thanks for the post its nice to find people to relate to.

I can’t believe that we share same experience. We were separated and I had a soft spot for him. He’ll always be in our minds me and our son. People don’t understand why I’m grieving but I won’t waste time explaining, I’ll just grieve my way. Thank you for sharing

It’s reassuring that there are sadly heaps of us going through this type of trama. The list my husband in 26 April 2017 just a normal day left for work kids off to nursery and school. Just like in the movies it’s 5 pm I’m in the middle of cooking and sorting out girls out to be informed your husband was found deceased at work. He died of a massive be heart attack in the toilets. They were the exact words of the police officer be never been so hysterical. He never complained of illness and went to the doctors once in our 12 years of married life. The first three months were a daze the the funeral horrendous dealing with my two year old who turned three week after his passing was awful.

Still I’m starting you rebuild my life the girls are doing ok 3 and 9 respectively I take each day as it comes. I’ve learnt that I get no good government benefits or any support we only just moved into a dream home 3 years ago we are now left rattling around in a huge house which I cannot afford to run in the longer term.
It’s just good to know there are sadly others out there in the same predicament.
By the way I’m 42 based in the West Midlands if anyone wants a chat or to meet that would be great. Keep strong everyone

Sailing in the same boat… Too difficult to even write about it… Lost him to cancer 8 months after diagnosis. It has been 4 months now… Miss all the conversations and fun time, after work. Boys 9 & 13 holding on to memories…

Thank you for sharing, I became a widow in February 2017 aged 45, my husband suffered from severe depression and took his own life. I found him hanging in the garage and my entire world stopped that day. I’m getting through as best I can, I’ve got brilliant family and friends and we talk for hours about him, I’m having counselling which is helping massively, I need to talk about him, I talk as if he is still with me, I miss him every minute and can’t believe I’ll never see or hear him again. It’s pages like yours that are helping me too, I need to read others stories, I wish you all the best, we can do this! X

Thank you so much for this article. I’m 45 and my husband passed away this week. I’m still in shock that he’s gone — it still feels like he’s just going to come home at any minute. I’m not at all prepared for the loneliness that is in my future. It breaks my heart that there are many of us young widows (my how that word is uncomfortable to say). I wish for peace and understanding for all of you.

My heart goes out to you, I have recently lost my husband, my best friend and best dad. It is so difficult, I still have friends and family visiting, and so want space, but when I am given the space I am screaming where are you all….
I as well can’t cope with all the changes you have to make, what I have learned is you shouldn’t let your other half take to do with everything. this is def a culture shock. My dear hubby spoilt me all my life and I am now in a black space trying to figure how to deal with life.
To all of you who have lost a partner God Bless xx

Thanks for these stories. They have helped me knowing that I am not Alone in this. It’s horrific! I don’t wish anyone would have to face this kind of life change. GOD’s BLESSINGS AND PEACE TO ALL OF YOU. My experience came on October 29, 2017 a day after our 1st anniversary. We were together for 2years and married for one. He had lung cancer and things were looking up and out of nowhere the unexpected happened. Thank God for my children and family and good friends. Words can’t describe this pain. We all just have to trust GOD only he knows! BLESS YOU ALL.

Thank you for your story and being so honest. I lost my husband on Nov. 13, 2017. He was 45 years old. He passed suddenly and left me and my boys heartbroken. We miss him in everyway possible and I struggle to feel a reason to keep going on. My boys are the only thing that make me function and remind me that they can’t lose another parent so young. I have trouble thinking about anything in the future. I’ve loved him since I’ve been 15 years old and well he will forever be my soulmate. Thank you all

Hi there. My husband and light of my life died on January 2, 2017. He was a tall, strong, very handsome man whom I met when I was 16. I was 48 when he died. He somehow got Myelodysplastic Syndrome which then turned to Accute Myeoloid Lukemia. And I still can’t believe it. Our whole life changed and my daughter and I are just living this fake, strange life that I cannot understand. Not one single creature can truly understand if not having gone through it and experienced the same thing. I hate (not really but for lack of a better word) those that say “I understand” or nonchalantly and as if they’re in a rush ask “how are you” and then sort of answer for themselves as they are passing by. People don’t get it and it floors me how unknowingly insensitive they can be.
I feel as though it happened yesterday. Our bed is still with the same sheets and his pj’s still on them. Our house looks like its frozen in time except for the mattress that I brought downstairs on the living room floor where my daughter (age 15) and I sleep bc I can’t bear to sleep upstairs in the bedroom. We’re bouncing between my house which I will not be able to afford very soon and my parent’s house where there is no room at all for us. I’ve been looking for a job for a long time and still nothing and No one really seems to care – they say they do but you are basically on your own. And I miss him all the more because like one person wrote….the one person that helped you deal with things and was part of the team and made things better or that you could talk to is gone. He was also a giver and would bend over backwards for people – the same people that completely disappeared after his death. My husband was sick but didn’t look it for most of his illness until almost the very end and this adds on to our feeling of shock – not that I was in denial but I guess when you love someone so much you always hope that you can stave off the unthinkable for as long as possible. I’m a planner a micromanager and now I’m left with so many questions I can’t seem to answer every minute of my life. I just don’t know. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills, I don’t know how I’m going to go to school and get my degree in the hopes of getting a better job, I don’t know how I will put gas in the car, I don’t know how I will continue to raise my beautiful daughter and make her as happy as possible and continue to be a good mom. I don’t know. Loosing your spouse is by far the saddest, most depressing, scariest, life-altering thing that can happen to you. It rocks you to the core and is like holding your breath without the relief of taking a breath when you can’t bear it any longer.

In less than 2 weeks, the love of my life, my husband Mike will be gone for 4 months.

4 Months.

How is this even possible? Obviously, I am still a wreck. I held his hand while he died excruciatingly painfully. There was nothing peaceful or beautiful about his passing. I am 40. No kids. I had to leave our apartment because I couldn’t afford to stay due to LOTS of financial legal issues surrounding my poor baby’s death. Now, as our belongings sit in a storage in Florida, I bounce back and fourth from my parents house to my sisters. Thank God for them.

I am very grateful, we both were for the time we had together. We were married for 5 years and together for 6. In our last year, when he was ill, my Mike found God and thus lead me to him too.
I try every day to understand and I read my Bible and pray and pray.

The truth is: everyday I beg God to take me to heaven too. I promised Mike I would never dishonor him or our love by killing my self. So instead I beg God to bring me home. I’m miserable here. I don’t belong here. I am not even a shadow of who I once was. I truly died with my husband and what is left is nothing but a shell filled with guilt and anger and fear. I am broken. In our last year, God took everything from us. And now I have to wait it out till it’s my turn. There really is no hope of it getting better is there? Soulmates weren’t meant to be parted.
Please someone respond to me.

Pamela Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in a tragic accident 3yrs ago I was 39 at the time. we were together for 18yrs and married a week shy of 15yrs. We have one daughter that looks and acts just like him, she was 6 1/2 at the time. Loosing him was devastating and it still is. I miss him every day. He was my soulmate. He was an amazing soul and I feel very blessed to have had him in my life. I know you feel the same way love like that doesn’t come along, I feel but once in a lifetime. I know your supposed to be thankful for that, but my heart still longs for him everyday. I will say I have gotten stronger with time, but that is something I had to do for my daughter. I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I take a antidepressant for it, but some days I just feel a broken heart cant be fixed with medication. No one understands the heartache you go through unless you have experienced it. I really hope your doing better. Blessings Monica

It has been 51/2 months for me. My beloved Husband and BFF died of mental Illness and hence suicide. That’s the first time I have said it out loud. There is a huge stigma that is not OK. Mental illness is as deadly as other fatal illnesses, yet it’s looked upon as someone’s choice or fault. It is not. It is a disease no one but those tightly connected that can see it and understand. I hate it. I angry at the word, it doesn’t do him or any survivor or those that died from suicide any justice nor move he needle when it comes to understanding the pain one feels when overcome by illness. No one judges cancer, PE, MI, etc. it is called tragic but 20 years of illness in a hugely successful beautiful man that results in death is a “choice” ….NO. I don’t fear death anymore since it took him after a lifetime of pain. I always felt death would haunt me early and here it is. I thought it would be me. I hate every second of it. I miss him terribly, regret everything, yet remember the beauty he gave me. He died very sick and not himself, I want to only remember his amazing self. It gets beyond grief and pain as I know you all know. It hits my being, the core of everything. Either everything matters or nothing matters. I am trying to focus on “everything” but it is a tilting balance every second. To Pamela, please don’t give up. I want to as well, but cannot. I truly know the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore, to be alone fighting to breathe and keep on in this life. It’s hard to breathe, to talk, to function yet I do with a battle. I actually still
Laugh and smile. I hope you can as well. Your husband would want you to live and be free, whatever that means, but I feel it. I don’t accept it yet. I miss him as you miss your soul mate, heck, as you Miss YOUR soul. I feel the woman I was before is gone, should be gone. How can I be her without his love and comfort? Forget the friends that drop, a lot so but the ones that matter do not. It’s a sieve if pain that makes you realize who and what matters. I joined a group of women my age that have similar stories and it helps, not sure why but it makes me feel less tragic. You are not broken, I tell myself that everyday and am waiting to believe it yet it helps trying to not believe it. We are still here on this beautiful realm, full of trees, water, breezes, adventure, the things we don’t get to touch in the next world. We only get one chance on earth, let’s try and relish it since our Husbands cannot not. I live for him to be proud of me. I live for others. My life is over but it is changing to be a better friend, sister, daughter and even stranger. Trying to find the least bit of Love I have left to give to someone else (NOT akin to a new partner at all, but not judging those lucky enough to love like that again, it is just not something I can do ever) who needs compassion and empathy as this world so lacks it. We are not broken. I do feel I break men, I broke my Husband, but it’s not true, it’s pain and grief that will live here for awhile and hopefully go away. We are not broken. We should LIVE, celebrate the time we have left, smell flowers, embrace beauty, smile while we can. Much love and peace sister.

Thank you for sharing. My story is similar to yours. My husband died from liver failure due to alcohol. We knew each other since 2nd grade but only were together 2 years, married only a short 6 months. He passed March 30, 2018 after a month in the hospital. My heart is broken, empty and I painfully miss him.

Thank you for sharing this. I was widowed suddenly at age 40 – in 2015. So many people telling me what I need to do and how to handle it. For the most part right now, life isn’t terrible. There’s really only a lot of loneliness in the hour or so before bedtime. I miss my husband terribly as well. I joined a widowed group, but due to my age, I’m the youngest regular attendee in the group.

I am 39 and lost my husband of 18 years to cancer on April 24 2018, while people Call and offer to come over I rather be alone and cry. My future looks scary and I rather just sleep all day. The pain is less.

It will get better but is never gone. I lost my husband when I was 37 and he was 38 and that was 11 1/2 years ago. Make Yourself get up and cry when u need to. Walk and look outside & smell the air. I still don’t want to be around others at times but u will go on and be ok. It’s really hard I’m not gonna lie! I still break down occasionally and people still disappoint me and say stupid things but I’ll be ok. You can get through too. And if you ever date someone else they better adore you and that’s not easy either. Especially when u break up. The one thing that will make that easier is to tell yourself nothing can be as bad as what you’ve already been through.

I lost my husband 3yrs ago and i was 39, he was 42. He passed in a canoeing trip and went over a dam.
We have one daughter she was 6 1/2 at the time. It s so hard to function at times, but Im trying my hardest to move on and be happy. What you wrote is so true. Thank you for your wise words.
Blessing on your journey! Monica

My husband died on 19th May this year after being diagnosed with cancer in October last year, my husband was 43 when he passed away. We have 2 daughters. Sometimes I feel I’m never going to be able to move on from this. I feel like my life has ended also after we had so many plans for the future and now that’s gone. I find it totally annoying when people tell me “it’ll take time but you’ll get over it” I can’t ever see me getting over losing the love of my life, I may learn to live with it but I will never get over it.

My husband died in 2014 at the age of 46 due to severe intrachronial bleed. He left to office early morning and returned with dead body. I was with him at the hospital till his last breath. I was 44 with 5 kids age 5-14. Lucky i had my mum he came and supported me however 8 months later she too died out of sudden. A year later i lost my job due to oil crisis and started to feeling insecure. During this time people took advantage of my situation and i have been scammed heartlessly. I got back my job after almost 2 years however raising schooling kids alone really require mental and physical strength. Being seen strong outside but deep inside i feel so helpless, sad, lonely. I still missing him a lot.

My husband died in 2014 at the age of 46 due to severe intrachronial bleed. He left to office early morning and returned with dead body. I was with him at the hospital till his last breath. I was 44 with 5 kids age 5-14. Lucky i had my mum who came and supported me however 8 months later she too died out of sudden. A year later i lost my job due to oil crisis and started to feeling insecure. During this time people took advantage of my situation and i have been scammed heartlessly. I got back my job after almost 2 years however raising schooling kids alone really require mental and physical strength. Being seen strong outside but deep inside i feel so helpless, sad, lonely. I still missing him a lot.

I lost my husband 14th July 2018, still don’t know why. The loss of my soul mate and the wait to understand why is just too unbearable. I used to be scared of death but now just want to be with him. I have 2 children who are stronger than me and helping me through the day by day.
Every day is an emotional day, I have screamed so loud wanting him to come back and be with me. Some of the comments I read are so reassuring but not sure if this helps me right now as still don’t know why!!! I am hoping to get counselling soon. But one thing I would really appreciate is being able to need all you young girls. I’m only 45 years and was married to my man 23 years. He was everything to me. My rock my world! If feel so lost and lonely and shutting myself from this existing world. I know my man wants me to be happy and stay strong, but he was my strength and now feel just lost the world. I can’t eat go out be happy see people especially couples walking hand in hand young or old. Makes me very sad as we wanted to grow old together. I wish I could see you girls to help me through this!

I lost my husband two weeks ago at 41 after a short battle with cancer. I was with him for 22 years and we have 3 girls ages 5 7 and 9 together I miss him so much and I have no idea how to survive this so taking one day at a time.

This was very insightful. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my wife – my true soul mate – suddenly and unexpectedly on September 15, 2018. She was 48. We were together for 26 years and have three teenagers. It is good to know it’s possible to survive, although the grief seems unbearable. I still can’t believe she is gone. I pray that time will ease at least some of this terrible pain.

I lost my husband early hours of Sunday morning. Don’t know what happened I found him at the Bottom of the stairs he suffered with seizures but he just looked like he had lay down for a nap. I am 42 we had been married 19 years and have a 5 year old whoes birthday it is next week we worked from home so we’re together 24/7 he was my best friend and the 3 of us were always together I just don’t know how I’m going to go on without him it really doesn’t seem real at the moment I’m so mad at him for leaving us

It’s been a little over 6 years since my husband of 23 years passed away from pancreatic cancer— he fought it for 18 months but seeing my once super healthy husband deteriorate especially in the final 2 months is an image I cannot seem to shake. This is the first month I have even considered being open to dating as I feel more like I have been rebuilding me— slowly and it’s been hard as many have mentioned— others in their effort to be “supportive “ want you to move on and get back to “normal “ which I have said— I am no longer the same person that I was…as the new year approaches it is hard to even know how to find someone who will be a true partner and be there to love me as I am and especially now that I am in my 50’s and haven’t dated in a 100 years. I hope the new year brings to all of us a little more light and love that we so deserve— it’s awful to experience this kind of loss— praying for us all.

I too am a widow and lost my husband in June of 2016 to heart failure which he had for years. I was 43 and he was only 44. We were married 19 yrs and together for 23 yrs. It has been very tough. I miss him so much and think about him every day. Not only was he my spouse but my best friend who know me the best. Everything reminds me of him…..our dog, certain foods, and our church. We have 2 children who were 9 and 24 at the time of his death. My son is now 17 and my daughter is now 12. My son is so angry and mainly at me. They were so close. My husband was a strong Christian so that gives me peace to know he is good and in a wonderful place but he is needed here too. It is difficult to understand why this had to happen. I will always love Todd. He was a huge part of me and my life. I thought it would get easier with time but it had not. I am blessed to have a lot of support from my mom, sister, coworkers, friends, and other widows. I have several good friends that are my age, 46, that are also widows. That helps. My daughter also, at only 12, is so wonderful and helpful to me with everything. I also see a counselor every month which does help. I find myself thinking about him at the weirdest times. Today, at the grocery store, a container of peanuts made me think of him. Things have changed so
Much since his death. I am a different person. I miss my Todd every day. We were soulmates. Laughed together. We had such a bond and connection from the minute I met him at age 20. I’ve also gained at least 15 to 20 pounds since his death. I ate more and drank wine to feel Better and help handle my teenage son. I realize that now and don’t drink wine anymore. I pray a lot which has helped too. This is a tough journey for any woman but so very tough for young women who are still raising children like me. I feel for my kids every day and pray they will be ok. I just can’t imagine losing your dad at their age. My dad is 76 now. I will e praying for all of the widows out there. I understand and empathize with you. It is such a loss. Sometimes, I still can’t believe that I am going thru this.

My husband died in July 7 months ago ..at the age of 36 leaving behind me my five and 6 year old ..
He died from binge drinking which is even harder to come to terms with than an alcoholic..I think I don’t know ..he worked and would go months on end without a drink..and then from nowhere he would start and wouldn’t stop .we were married almost ten years …he never had a reason why he would binge but the binges were horrendous..and I really suffered emotional mental and sometimes physical abuse ..and yes i loved him with all my heart ..when he was not drinking he was a wonderful man it was like living with two separate men …police and ambulances were called on so many occasions each time he vowed to get help but it never lasted it ..the week he died he drank 3/4 bottles of vodka a day and would not stop ..on the Friday he was found unconscious an ambulance took him to hospital o rang the hospital and begged them not to treat him like a drunk on a Saturday night but they let him out the night after the exact same thing happened ambulance and hospitalized..again I frantically begged for them to get him help ..they let him out ..in the Sunday morning I locked him in the house but he climbed through the window in front of me and my children and was found in the street and hour later with bottles in a bag …he was gone ..he left us with nothing had ran up debts and had been lying for months we are now alone and struggling..if there is anyone with any help or advice it would mean the world ..

I really feel so charged up after reading this, thank you for sharing, although we were separated I had soft spot for him despite his alcoholism, I held his hand and prayed only forgiveness when he was in coma. I thank the voice that spoke to me to intercede on his behalf. I could see his response from his tear. I’m mourning him but people don’t get it. I’ll forever cherish our son. Thank you once more for sharing all your experiences, be comforted and feel the love.

I am 48 years old and I lost my 45 year old husband 11 days ago. Im assuming to an accidental medication overdose. He had an addiction problem that was like being on a rollercoaster ride for the past 4-5 years. At times, things were great but could change very quickly. Regardless, he was the love of my life and I am searching for what to do now. He was my world and I always felt he would be there to love me and protect me. We had a lot of plans for this Summer and now I’m dreading the season. I feel very lonely and also have feelings of guilt as I’m sure is normal. I found him passed away at home when I woke up for work. It was very traumatic on top of general sadness for losing him. I have lost my father & a brother previously but this feels very different. I hope things will get better. Right now I feel rather hopeless.

Since my husband died on the 22nd March I felt like no one can understand me, he fell and fractured his skull and died from his injury’s we have three children the youngest is 11, it’s so weird the only person you feel you want to talk about it all to, is not here reading all the comments has helped, thankyou

It’s a sad reality,when you can’t save the one you love .It really is soul destroying watching your husband of 48 years young be told you have 3 months to live? Go home and get your things in order. RCC Kidney cancer 15 cm tumor in kidney ,liver,lungs and in brain 48 years old gone in 6 months may 2018 bless his soul ..I miss my best friend of 28 years my husband.We felt so ripped off our future stolen by a Cancer devasting .I nursed the most beautiful person my husband til his last breath .He was so strong ,driven ,smart , sexy and the funniest person I have ever met and ever will .People can be cold when your devastated heart broken a emotional mess.people don’t understand ,you don’t until your there.It has been 10 months since my husbands passing .You just learn to live it.And you carry the raw pain inside.Cancer strips every thing good out of us and eats you alive so savagely no remorse from cancer .This world needs more love and not to judge on situations they haven’t experienced …Cancer what a emotional roller coaster .and at the end taking your happiness it’s Soul destroying .I didn’t see this coming 47 years of age widowed my gorgeous husband 48 years young is not coming home .When it hits you that there never walking in the door again ,never hugging ,laughing ,loving,just being us breaks my soul .But life goes on

I’m in tears right now I am 46 years old and I just lost my husband on March 28th for CHF and Alcoholism. I feel the same way you did. I miss him and I’m still in love with him. I talk to his ashes daily, I keep a picture of him in my car. I laugh, I cry. We were together for only 8 years and married only 2 1/2 when he died. He raised my son who is now 10 and has Autism and he was the only father that my so knew. So I thank you for sharing this with me. Now know that how I feel doesn’t make me crazy at all.

Hi, I live in the U.K., I lost my soul mate and best friend of 24 years on the 1st of this month. He was 48 and had never been unwell to need a doctor, but 10 days before he complained of stomach pain, 10 days later he suffered a cardiac arrest and they couldn’t get him back. It’s still early days but I feel so empty. A widow at 48 just doesn’t feel real. A single mum of a 12 and 16 year, not real. I miss him so very much, it still feels surreal.

Thanks for publishing your story. I found myself nodding along as I read on and on. I lost my wife, March 2016. It was after a 16 month battle with Lymphoma just shy of our 15th anniversary. I’d like to think that the time before she passed prepared us for what would be the inevitable. She was so brave, courageous and dignified, even as she faced death. Cancer had sucked the life out of her so bad, that when we went to the clinic for blood transfusions, one patron asked if she was my mother…she was only 40 and was a beautiful, lively, amazing woman only months earlier! Being 41, I never imagined that I would wear the label “widower.” But, life has no rules, so I took her incredible courageous lead and accepted reality. I supported her till the time I closed her eyes. She always said that I had the toughest part: raising our two teenage children. After three years and a half years, the pain is less intense. I compare the pain and emotion it to waves in the ocean. During the storm, they crash almost continuously until the storm clears. Over time, the waves may be less intense, but they are still there. Then from time to time, the sea roars to life again and like it, my emotions begin to build until I find myself weeping as I remember our life together, ending all too soon…unnaturally too soon. Through the grace of good friends, I have found love again. I am still coming to terms with being in love with another woman. Part of me feels like I am being unfaithful. However, I have come to love her for many different reasons than what I loved about my wife. Sure, some are similar, but by and large, my new love has opened me up to living again and having fun. I never thought I’d enjoy anything again. I am grateful for my life and I intend to live it to the fullest. My wife wouldn’t want it any other way. I pray for strength and courage as some of you wrestle with the loss.

It is strangely comforting to know I am not alone in losing my soul mate at the age of 43. Matt left on September 18, 2019, after I had to make the agonizing decision to say goodbye. But he truly left 10 days earlier, when he suffered a hemorrhagic stroke in front of me as we awoke on a camping trip. I will never forget the frustration and fear he had on his face as he could not communicate what he needed to me and I was unable to understand him because of the stroke. I got help to him as quickly as I could, which led to his sedation before we could say goodbye. I don’t remember the last thing I said to him, but I take comfort in knowing this: He knew I loved him. I said it everyday. I knew he loved me. He said it everyday. We were together just three short years, married just shy of two. Matt was very good about showing love and appreciation to me as his partner, wife and companion. He taught me how to love and be loved. This makes his absence all the more difficult as like many have said here, it is the little daily things that I miss most. In my grief, I have learned that I have a choice — one that I made nearly every minute in the early days after he left and now one that I make daily if not hourly, and that is to choose to honor my husband and how he lived his life. Yes, I have tremendous sadness and feelings of loss and loneliness. Neither of us had children and the quiet evenings are staggeringly quiet. I allow myself to have those feelings and to cry and sob as needed. But I also have the memories of our life together and how we made each other better people. I choose to continue to be that person he helped me become. While not always successful, making this choice daily is helping me to move forward. Not away from Matt, but forward, with him in my heart, and the memory of the lessons our life together taught me. I know my comments here may not be helpful to some as I do not have the added burden of raising children alone or struggling with difficult memories of my spouse, but all our losses are equal. Each of us is grieving in our own way; that is the right way to grieve. For me, reading other stories and remembering the love is the best way for me to do it. Thank you to everyone who has commented here for sharing and to anyone willing to read my lengthy post. Praying for each of you, your families and the loved ones you’ve lost.