In the early years of the 16th century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film. This was the
Spanish Inquisition...(this transcript is also available with
screen shots from the original)

Chapman: Trouble at mill.Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble?Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.Cleveland: Pardon?Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying.Chapman: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean?Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters,
flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles
pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang]

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless--
[controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the
rack!

[Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at
it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums
heavily to cover his anger]

Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

[Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

Ximinez:Right! How do you plead?Clevelnd: Innocent.Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give
the rack a turn.

[Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]

Biggles: I....Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't
want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.Biggles: I...Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.Biggles: Shall I...?Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde]

Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three
counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy
by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles!
Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

Biggles: Here they are, lord.Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance.
Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the
ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three*
last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which
I have divulged in my previous utterance.Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal!
Poke her with the soft cushions!

[Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?Biggles: Yes, lord.Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is
made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]

Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?

[Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]

Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can
survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles!
Put her in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the
Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.
[aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?Biggles: Yes, lord.Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot,
do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! ConfessBiggles: I confess!Ximinez: Not you!