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Friday, November 30, 2012

Entrenched in a century long covert war, two opposing forces fight for a talented young girl with a mysterious past who holds the key to ending the conflict. One side seeks to kill her, the other seeks to save her, but accepting her past will mean letting go of everything she’s ever known.

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Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

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Readers then comment on your work.

This week Bob took a look at the 1st 10 pages of Derek Anderson's THE OMEGA FILES.

Review of “The Omega Files”

Reviewed by Bob Schultz

(Screenplay / Action, Sci-Fi? First 10 Pages)

Original Logline: Entrenched in a century long covert war, two opposing forces fight for a talented young girl with a mysterious past who holds the key to ending the conflict. One side seeks to kill her, the other seeks to save her, but accepting her past will mean letting go of everything she’s ever known.

Derek, one thing is for sure: THE OMEGA FILES starts with a bang.

THE STORY:

We have an innocent protagonist facing an assassin committed to ending her life, a near- superhuman hero assigned to save her, and everyone’s motivations are shrouded in mystery. Is there a time-travel element to the mystery (“something not from this century”)? What does this all mean? How did Mary come to write such a brilliant piece of literature? She seems to be just another all-American girl. I wanted to learn more.

The brutality of the attack on Mary was effective (though it might be difficult to watch for audiences). I think the risk of alienating audiences with the violence is one worth taking. It immediately does the following:

Sets the stakes as life-or-death.

Establishes the antagonist organization is a genuine threat that will stop at nothing.

Drives the audience to empathize with Mary.

Having said that, I think the scene could use some tightening. Franklin falls victim to classic “Movie Bad Guy” syndrome of stopping to talk when he could kill the hero. Clearly this assignment (killing Mary) has implications wide and far-reaching, and he pauses to gloat “You really don’t know, do you?”

This hesitation gives Sphinx time to swoop in, save Mary, and kill Franklin.

The level of mystery and intrigue will be raised even further if Franklin doesn’t hesitate. He should stride into the award ceremony and go right for the kill. This will allow you to introduce Sphinx earlier. In fact, I would establish her presence very early. On Page 32, after we’ve moved past the MATCH CUT, maybe a moment of Sphinx watching the proceedings from a hidden location (the eaves of the building, some dark shadow, in disguise among the paparazzi, something like that). I think if Sphinx knew the value of Mary as a target, she wouldn’t let Franklin get the drop on her.

If Franklin is ready to kill Mary immediately (instead of beating her), the fight between Sphinx and Franklin can last a bit longer, and we can see the reactions of Mary’s boyfriend and parents too.

From a story perspective, I want to know more about what happens in this adventure, for certain.

THE WRITING:

Aside from a slight tendency to overwrite (see the annotated pages with comments about redundancy), your writing style is sleek and direct, critical to an action script. I would consider truncating some of your complete sentences. Doing so helps the script read faster. Instead of:

Friday, November 16, 2012

A business man and a drug addict form an unlikely friendship after a chance meeting and a mutual love for music. The odd couple begin to rely on each other as their usual mundane lives begin to crumble around them.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

Paul was kind enough to allow me to post his pages today without a review. Also, he wants you to know that he is from the U.K.

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

In the shadow of a space elevator, Simon Carter must sacrifice everything to save what remains of his family.

With Payload, I set out to make a science fiction film with a soul. At its heart, it is the story of a boy, Simon Carter, who must give up his own soul to save his brother, Dave. I’ve always been fascinated by how “good” people can become “evil” — how our environment and circumstance wields such incredible power over us. Science-fiction, as a genre, is deeply concerned about the world it presents — and, at its best, these worlds are a deep part of the meaning of the film, and becomes characters in themselves. - Stuart Willis from payloadfilm.com