Well done to all the winners, you have all be emailed and asked for contact details but just in case you for any reason did not receive the email please forward your information to the address provided: [email protected]

Better luck next time to all the people that didn't win this time round, there are always competitions going on here, so why not have another go!

80 thoughts on “FREE Ex-Ses Give Away!”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

This bloke is flying his hot air balloon over southern Ireland and he is completely lost. He looks down and sees a bloke fishing on a lake, so he shouts down, "hello, could you please tell me where I am?"
And Paddy shouts up, "you can't fool me, mister, you're in that fuckin' basket."

As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear's body is gone!

He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What??" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.

Well, the hunter's pissed-off. "Humiliated by a bear!", he thinks to himself. "I'll teach that bastard". He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. "I've got you now, bear", the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.

Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You just tried to kill me again, didn't you?". Says the bear. "Uh, no. No I didn't", lies the hunter. "Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your legs off" "Ok! I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Drop your pants and bend over" "No way!" "Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off." "Alright! I'll do it, you bastard" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.

"I'll fucking get the bastard this time", the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.

Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You're not here for the hunting, are you?", says the bear.

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

A pothead is walking through the desert and trips over a lamp and a genie pops out of it. The genie grants the pothead two wishes instead of the traditional three for tripping over his lamp, so anyways the pothead says "I wish for a joint that never ends." and *POOF* in his hand is a joint. He lights it and it is quality herb and he is high within seconds but the joint just keeps regenerating itself. After a while the genie gets impatient and asks the pothead what his second wish is. The pothead says, "Damn, this thing is great. I want another one."

A young man and woman on LSD started to have sex in a dark forest. After 15 minutes the man said:
"I can't see what I'm doing. I wish I had a flashlight, or nightvision."
The woman said:
"Yeah, so do I. You've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes."

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

"Dear David.
I am so sorry, but we can't go on being a couple. The distance between us is to far. I also must confess that I have been cheating on you, twice. I'm really sorry.

/Annie

Ps. Please send back the photo I gave you."

First David felt very sad, then he collected pictures of his mates girlfriends, mothers, cousins and aunts. Together with 34 pictures of different women he sent the photo of Annie back. He also wrote a short message:

"Dear Annie
I'm sorry but I have forgotten who you are. Please take the picture of you and send the others back.

A woman is in bed with her lover when she hears a car stop outside the house.
"Shit! It's my husband! Hide in the cupboard!" she says to her lover.
Her son Johnny pokes his head round the door. "Mummy, what are you doing with that man?"
"Oh crap" says the woman, "he'll have seen everything. Hide him in the cupboard with you."

Due to worries about organised crime, police and public officials in Amsterdam are going to shut down many of the cities famous brothels and coffee shops.
I think this is a really bad idea - it's going to cause more unemployment, and in these tough times they may be forced to turn to desperate measures to survive.... like prostitution and selling drugs.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.