I don’t see the point. Why continue to mine your studio’s previous ore to make almost shot-for-shot recreations of earlier films? Of course, the answer is money; however, just because Beauty and the Beast is going to make one billion dollars doesn’t mean we should celebrate Disney for the copy/paste job. Disney still produce new and original products; Zootopia just won an Oscar. Following Kenneth Branagh’s boring Cinderella and Jon Favreau’s decent The Jungle Book (thank you Christopher Walken), Bill Condon’s Beauty and the Beast is unnecessary at best, tedious at worst.

The Beauty and the Beast remake is merely a cog in the Disney assembly line. Make way for Tim Burton’s Dumbo, Guy Ritchie’s Aladdin, Favreau’s The Lion King, Cruella, and The Little Mermaid. Beauty and the Beast doesn’t seem so special when you lump it together with all the other knock-offs. There is the sector who defends this saying it introduces new generations to older classics but come on, I saw the 1937 Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in the theater some 50 years after its premiere and it wasn’t in 3D and Kristen Stewart was not playing the leading lady. My take? Disney found a cash cow and will squeeze it dry.

The Jungle Book changed a few things including the ending and adding some backstory and that’s the checklist Bill Condon (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2) and company follow. Each character’s personality is taken toward its extreme; Gaston (Luke Evans, The Girl on the Train) is even more of a raging narcissist, the Beast (Dan Stevens) is angrier, and Belle (Emma Watson, Noah) feels more of a chasm between her ideals and the townsfolk she deems backward and intellectually stunted. Adaptors Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower) and Evan Spiliotopoulos (The Huntsman: Winter’s War) throw in a flashback about why Belle and her father, Maurice (Kevin Kline), live out in the sticks when they are obviously city slickers and throw in a whopping salt pinch of explanation why the Beast used to be such a prick.

However, the story still sticks in my craw. Who does this enchantress disguised as a beggar lady think she is? So what if the prince is an asshole? What gives you the right to barge into his house and transform him and all of his servants into an animal and household furnishings? Throttle back lady. Furthermore, at least in the print I saw, the film was so dark it was a challenge to make out even bright scenes. 3D already decreases light from the screen about 20% and this was noticeably dark and frequently out of focus. The budget for this monstrosity is somewhere north of $150 million; I assume not all prints are as slipshod as the one doing Disney no favors in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Yes, I have an entire can of ammunition loaded to fire at this eye-rolling cash grab; however, I also swerve into defense. Why? Somebody out there thinks Gaston’s aide de camp, LeFou (Josh Gad, A Dog's Purpose), is gay. Admittedly, I don’t have the world’s most adept gaydar, but you have to tilt your head and read between the lines to convince yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt of LeFou’s sexual identity. Now that a theater in Alabama and the Russian government want to censor and ban the film, it makes me want to charter a bus and shuttle movie-goers into evening-priced seats. LeFou is effeminate, but to take some fake umbrage about his alleged homosexuality makes me hope Beauty and the Beast breaks box office records.

There are Disney purists who will be upset Disney dared to change anything at all, new lines, new settings, and just wait until they hear the new song Beast belts out Broadway ballad style. The voice work of Ewan McGregor, Ian McKellen, and Emma Thompson lead the way among the knick-knacks, Emma Watson stays out of trouble, and Dan Stevens gets my vote for MVP. Luke Evans and Josh Gad are respectable runners-up. I already feel the boredom from all the upcoming Disney rip-offs and can only hope audiences will one day tire of the re-record factory floor. Maybe I’m miffed because The Sword in the Stone is yet to be announced. ​