Confessions of a television addict

Published: Friday, March 22, 2013 at 6:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Thursday, March 21, 2013 at 6:02 p.m.

When it comes to television, it is the best of times and the worst of times.

The worst first: I was in a doctor's office waiting room this week and heard a familiar voice. It was CNN's Anderson Cooper, whose news program has walked us through tragedies and triumphs. Then a second voice tagged in from the television, a disaffected female voice that prompted uncomfortable laughter.

Cooper now has a daytime talk show just like Ellen and Oprah and Kelly and Michael. I looked up to see Cooper sipping coffee and going through celebrity-related tweets next to, um, next to …

It was Snooki! The famed reality-TV-partier-turned-mother was chatting with CNN's former golden boy about a product that helps shape certain female body parts while sleeping. They went into great detail, as the elderly women in the waiting room and I scrambled to find the remote and avoid eye contact.

But, I contend, "Live with Anderson and Snooki" does not signal end times.

I think we are in another golden — if not pewter — age of television. I say this with little authority because I rarely watch TV. It's not that I am snobbish on the medium; just the opposite. There are so many appealing shows on these days, I fear I will become addicted again.

It took nearly 10 years to ween myself off "The Young and the Restless."

If our TV is on, it is usually tuned to The Disney Channel. Sadly, I know more about a cute, smart-alecky, talking dog than I do about the NCAA basketball tournament.

I have caught a few episodes of "Modern Family" (exceptionally funny) and "The Following" (exceptionally creepy). As an entertainment editor with a busy family, I read about TV shows more than I watch them; my TV bucket list includes "Walking Dead," "Homeland" and "Downton Abbey."

I could easily never leave the house — or the couch — again, I fear.

Lately, however, I have allowed myself one TV indulgence: "Duck Dynasty." I have paced myself, as this A&E reality show would rule my life if left unsupervised. Thus, I have a co-dependent watching this kick-in-the-gut funny show with me.

Our daughter Katie, a seventh-grader, willingly watches TV with her old man now. She begs, in fact, to watch this show because — get this — her friends discuss episodes the following day. This is significant. Here you have girls who could be squealing over Justin Bieber loyally watching a show about a back-woods Louisiana family that makes Duck Commander duck calls for hunting.

The family is quite successful, actually. This is like a reality-TV version of "The Beverly Hillbillies" if the wealthy Clampetts had stayed on their rural property and made the world come to them. Which is exactly what has happened with the Robertson boys, a lovable swarm of self-professed rednecks with ZZ Top beards, the gift of gab and too much time on their hands.

I suspect "Duck Dynasty" is more scripted than viewers are led to believe; I simply cannot imagine any family being this entertaining all the time. Oh, to play by Jase's schedule and live by Sy's wisdom. And at the end of each show, the Robertsons — who live to annoy each other — sit down, join hands and pray before the family meal.

It gives our stomachs a chance to settle from laughing and provides a softy moment for Katie to plead for another episode before bedtime. More importantly, it provides quality time, capped by post-show commentary, with my teen daughter.

Co-dependency has its perks. Katie and I will take the Robertsons and their ducks over Snooki and the talking dog any day.

<p>When it comes to television, it is the best of times and the worst of times.</p><p>The worst first: I was in a doctor's office waiting room this week and heard a familiar voice. It was CNN's Anderson Cooper, whose news program has walked us through tragedies and triumphs. Then a second voice tagged in from the television, a disaffected female voice that prompted uncomfortable laughter.</p><p>Cooper now has a daytime talk show just like Ellen and Oprah and Kelly and Michael. I looked up to see Cooper sipping coffee and going through celebrity-related tweets next to, um, next to …</p><p>It was Snooki! The famed reality-TV-partier-turned-mother was chatting with CNN's former golden boy about a product that helps shape certain female body parts while sleeping. They went into great detail, as the elderly women in the waiting room and I scrambled to find the remote and avoid eye contact.</p><p>But, I contend, "Live with Anderson and Snooki" does not signal end times.</p><p>I think we are in another golden — if not pewter — age of television. I say this with little authority because I rarely watch TV. It's not that I am snobbish on the medium; just the opposite. There are so many appealing shows on these days, I fear I will become addicted again.</p><p>It took nearly 10 years to ween myself off "The Young and the Restless."</p><p>If our TV is on, it is usually tuned to The Disney Channel. Sadly, I know more about a cute, smart-alecky, talking dog than I do about the NCAA basketball tournament.</p><p>I have caught a few episodes of "Modern Family" (exceptionally funny) and "The Following" (exceptionally creepy). As an entertainment editor with a busy family, I read about TV shows more than I watch them; my TV bucket list includes "Walking Dead," "Homeland" and "Downton Abbey."</p><p>I could easily never leave the house — or the couch — again, I fear.</p><p>Lately, however, I have allowed myself one TV indulgence: "Duck Dynasty." I have paced myself, as this A&E reality show would rule my life if left unsupervised. Thus, I have a co-dependent watching this kick-in-the-gut funny show with me.</p><p>Our daughter Katie, a seventh-grader, willingly watches TV with her old man now. She begs, in fact, to watch this show because — get this — her friends discuss episodes the following day. This is significant. Here you have girls who could be squealing over Justin Bieber loyally watching a show about a back-woods Louisiana family that makes Duck Commander duck calls for hunting.</p><p>The family is quite successful, actually. This is like a reality-TV version of "The Beverly Hillbillies" if the wealthy Clampetts had stayed on their rural property and made the world come to them. Which is exactly what has happened with the Robertson boys, a lovable swarm of self-professed rednecks with ZZ Top beards, the gift of gab and too much time on their hands.</p><p>I suspect "Duck Dynasty" is more scripted than viewers are led to believe; I simply cannot imagine any family being this entertaining all the time. Oh, to play by Jase's schedule and live by Sy's wisdom. And at the end of each show, the Robertsons — who live to annoy each other — sit down, join hands and pray before the family meal.</p><p>It gives our stomachs a chance to settle from laughing and provides a softy moment for Katie to plead for another episode before bedtime. More importantly, it provides quality time, capped by post-show commentary, with my teen daughter.</p><p>Co-dependency has its perks. Katie and I will take the Robertsons and their ducks over Snooki and the talking dog any day.</p><p><i>Contact Dave Schlenker at 867-4120 or go@starbanner.com.</i></p>