Relationships

Need outsider perspective

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WillowRdg wrote:

Hi all. I need an outsider's perspective because the hubby and I keep butting heads.

I work from home 40 hours a week and watch our son while working (my job does not know- I manage to juggle both albeit stressful). My husband also has a full-time job but he goes to the office. His work hours are 11a to 8p. He wakes up every morning at 8 AM and goes to the gym then goes to work. He works out every day no matter what. He has Fridays and Sundays off. He also is a reserve police officer that he does once a week on his day off for 10 hours. He will also have commitments sometimes during the week, he serves on our HOA board and also does the reserve work during the week if they have training. for those who are unfamiliar- A reserve police officer is a volunteer and does not get paid- in fact it costs us money.

To be honest, him being a reserve police officer has always bothered me. Besides the worry of his safety, I don't like that it leaves me with only one day to see him. Especially now that we have a baby, it takes away from family time and puts a lot of stress on me to always be the one watching the baby.

This week I was in the hospital for four days. I did not want my husband to take time off and stay with me in the hospital for the whole time. However it would have been nice if maybe he had skip the gym a couple days to come see me. My mom and mother-in-law took care of the baby while I was in the hospital. My husband happen to have reserve Officer training while I was in the hospital and took time off from his full-time job to go. His sergeant found out I was in the hospital and told him he should be with me and not at the training. To which my husband responded that I was fine.

I was really hurt because I felt like I wasn't a priority. I have always felt this way in our marriage. It hurt that he chose the gym and volunteering over coming to see me in the hospital even just for a couple hours.

I told him today how hurt I was and how I don't feel like a priority or valued. I asked him to please step back and look at his life and consider not working out seven days a week and giving up the reserve officer work. He said to me do you want a fat husband? Why are you trying to control me? Being a reserve officer is how I give back to the community. It's what I love doing- don't make me choose you or doing that.

I truly am not trying to control him. It's hard to explain how lonely I am. I just want his attention. I beg for him to spend time with me but he refuses to budge.

Honestly the only time he gives me attention is when he wants sex. Our intimacy has suffered because of the way I feel, that and I'm exhausted from working full time and taking care of the baby full time.

I do not purposely with hold it. I genuinely try but can never seem to get turned on. I know we need help and I'm going to suggest counseling to him.

I just need to know if I'm out of line for asking for the things I am. He makes me feel like I'm some control freak who wants to take over his life. I just assumed that when you marry someone, you want to spend time with them. I feel like he over commits himself to things that aren't a priority right now when it instead should be his son and I. Thanks for your feedback

I see nothing wrong with asking him to cut back on gun time, maybe every other day instead of daily? But I wouldn't also ask him to step down as a reserve officer, especially if that's something he's really enjoys

It seems like he is most happy when his day is full. This isn't always a bad thing for everyone. He enjoys being productive. He seems like the type that isn't happy sitting at home. Unfortunately that means he isn't compatible with you. He has made his choice. He rather work out, work, and be in the officer reserves than spend time with his family. I think that's something that should have been discussed before making a family. Was he always like this? Did y'all have this conversation before the baby came? How does he act towards you on a daily basis? Do y'all go to bed together? Do you take him out on dates? Do you text him throughout the day? What is your relationship like?

If my husband was that preoccupied and self absorbed, I'd be pissed. His "fat husband" comment is childish and I believe he's the one who needs to reevaluate his priorities. It sounds like he's putting himself before you and baby. If counselling is a no go, I'd suggest maybe staying with your mom or someone you know for a bit. Maybe he'll see what he's missing or it'll knock some sense into him.

We actually have read that book! It put a lot of things into perspective for me. It was interesting because I would say a couple years ago my primary love language was acts of service. But this season of my life it must be quality time. His is definitely physical touch.

I wouldn't ask him to stop doing his daily activities. Exercise is very important, so to me going to the gym daily isn't just a leisurely activity, it's something that should be included in the day if that person so chooses. The volunteering makes him happy, and it's productive--I wouldn't ask him to give that up either. I would however be hurt that he couldn't take off and come see you in the hospital. That is the issue here. It seems like guys would benefit from counseling, so he can figure out how to show you love, attention, and affection while also juggling his extra curricular activities.

I completely agree he's one of those people who can't just chill at home and always needs to be occupied with something.

We don't go to bed together. I usually go to bed about 1030 and he stays up till midnight.

Honestly I don't hold up my side of the bargain when it comes to texting him to let him know I'm thinking about him and I don't romance him. Dates are non existent lately because when we do have a sitter he goes out to run errands or works out allllll day. Gym, goes hiking, goes for a run.

We did have a conversation prior to the baby about expectations and how I wanted him around more and wanted his help more. He told me that I was jumping ahead and not giving him an opportunity to prove himself and it would all work out when the baby came.

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. He leaves at 8 am and get off work at 8. And you go to bed at 10:30. So how much do you really see each other? And he is only off 1 day per week. How much does he even see his son?Clearly this isn't new since you said you've never felt like a priority. If he can't come visit in the hospital at all then you really aren't. He sounds like someone who likes to keep busy and enjoys his life. If he's always been that way I doubt he will change. And honestly it's a little unfair to try and ask him to change if that's the way he's always been.

I totally think you're right though. He should step up and want to see you more and your son. But you can't make someone want to spend time with you. I think you should go to counseling and/or leave. You are not being controlling you are asking for what's reasonable. But you shouldn't have to ask. :/

That's good you've read the book! Could you possibly start fitting yourself into his workouts? For instance when he goes running maybe that's something you two could do together. I'm sure baby wouldn't mind getting some fresh air in the morning/night either.

I saw your update - goes hiking or goes for a run? Do you guys ever spend quality time then? Does he invite you to hike? Etc. We have a date (babysitter for about 4 hours) once a week and we alternate choosing what to do. Sometimes the date is a hike or a run and lunch (his choice.)

That's not fun :( sorry to hear that. It doesn't sound like he is your husband to be honest. It sounds like he is the roommate that you only see here and there.

I'm wondering if it's possible for you to start getting involved in his activities. Can you go hiking? Can you go to the gym with him? Is there an activity YOU like that you can suggest to him that gets y'all both out of the house?

I don't mean this to sound quite as mean as it's going too but it sounds like this has always been the case and you knew he was this busy/pre-occupied before you married him. Meaning you knew what you were signing up for. My husband works about 80-90 hours a week, it bother me at times but I knew what I was signing up for when I married him, I sometimes think to ask him to look for a new job but his job makes him happy and his work ethic is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first leave, so instead we agreed Sundays are our day for just us, unless something major comes up but then we go to whatever event it is together. I don't get him much during the week but we have a designated day for that and it has helped tremendously...... I understand needs change as people and parts of life change but asking him to stop being him isn't the right answer, neither of you will be happy if he stops doing everything he likes...instead maybe try sitting him down and telling him calmly that what used to work for you isn't working for you right now. Ask if he can cut back (back not out) some of the time he spends at the gym, even if that's just the one day he's off work/volunteering so that that day is completely family time and in return you'd be willing to go hiking or running with him, get a jogging stroller so you can do it as a family. His comment about not wanting to be a fat husband sounds like he is self conscious and is scared of getting fat (which is a whole other issue). Maybe ask if you both go to bed at 11:15 (right in the middle of the times you currently go) so that you lay down together, let him watch tv if you have one in your room if he can't fall asleep right away, but the act of going to bed together can be intimate and comforting. Maybe try having breakfast together daily be a priority. My point is try to find a way that you both compromise a little bit of time without either of you losing something important to you in order to gain that closeness you're longing for. It's not wrong that you want to spend time with him, just the way you're trying to get it is likely to backfire and that's not what you really want. I think it sounds like you really love your husband and want to get back to being happy in your marriage and I hope you're successful.

As far as not seeing you in the hospital, you told him to go to work instead so he went to work thinking that's what you wanted, should he have, no but he thought that's what you wanted him to do. that ones equally your fault and his. If there's ever that situation again (and I hope there's not) tell him you want him there, he can't read your mind. I'm sorry he didn't just stay on his own but some people really take what you say at face value :/

I would definitely be hurt about the hospital experience. It was just disrespectful to you. I understand he loves to work out,volunteer, and works full time but something has to give. Marriage is about compromise. A marriage is also a garden that needs to be watered, etc. If he spends no time with you or the family, the relationship will wither away. You are essentially a single mom with a roommate. I think you need to go to marriage counseling to work on these things. I can understand how he doesn't want to give any of 'his' things up but that's not what you sign up for when you get married and have kids. You can't have your cake and eat it too. He sounds extremely selfish and you will get burned out and start seriously resenting him if things don't change. I really recommend the counseling as a step in the right direction. Best of luck to you and your family!

He is totally being selfish! I recommend you start making plans for yourself and telling him that he will watch the baby. Start going to the gym yourself while he watches the baby. Get a hobby and get him to watch the baby while you do that. On one of the days of his volunteer stuff tell him he has to watch the baby so that you can work and leave to Starbucks or something. You have to put more care taking responsibilities on him. Maybe it's time to focus on yourself and socialize with other people.

I don't agree completely with everyone who says "oh well he's always been this way so it's you're fault" he has a wife and son now that need to be a priority and if that means working out 5 days a week instead of 7 and staying home for a few hours in the morning to spend time with them then that's what he needs to do. Bc his son is going to get older and wonder why daddy is never around. I think counseling is a great idea.

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