Yearly Review

They say that whatever you're doing at midnight on the New Year is what you'll be doing all of the next year as well.
At the moment the ball dropped, the moment 2011 ended and 2012 started, it seems my fate was sealed. I was wasted, drunk and high, fairly typical for any eve. I was wasting time and tricking myself into thinking that life was good just to try to be of good company. And the first and only person I kissed that night was a girl that who was doing just about the same thing, and often does. We made it past midnight with one more "shot" and a beer, then passed out soon after, in separate spots and woke up at the next sunrise of the new year.
We kissed again, as if we forgot we already had, then went on about our planned day. She had a little boy to pick up at her parents house and the football party to go set up for at her boyfriends place.
I had nothing to do, nobody to talk to, and I mean that quite literally. My phone didn't ring but one time and that was a wrong number and I didn't bother looking at any emails because I didn't have anyone that would have even been emailing me. And I wasn't here yet, so I couldn't have killed time answering questions, making confessions, or writing some meaningful or dumb story, although I knew of the place, I was just avoiding it. Nowhere to go because I wasn't accountable to anybody and the one person I was friends with had just left. So I got high, and I drank, listened to music, and thought about anything and everything that could cross my mind.
Fast forward a few months, I make a much debated decision to make a profile here, hoping to find something here that I thought might be missing in my life. There seemed to be a constant theme in my life at the moment, a lot of "wasting," and I wanted something that I thought could be helpful, hopeful, positive.
Meanwhile, the girl I had mentioned before and I had started spending a lot more time together and probably should have been considered dating, but neither one of us would consider the label. Besides, it had to be one of those unspoken things anyway because of her boyfriend. Most of our time was spent getting wasted together and wasting time until one of us had to go "wherever."
I found something close enough to what I was looking for on EP, although rediscovering it was painful, although I tried to make the most of it. Once I had it figured out, I started feeling good about things again, good about myself, and good toward God.
Aaahhh, summer, how you love to warm me and burn me during that season. Having opened up parts of me that I hadn't accessed in a long time and being forced to accept things for how they will be, I also opened up myself and my heart to others. I tried my hardest not to, for the sun that shines on me is made of cyanide (HIM reference) and, thus far, and so it still remains, anyone who gets too close to it will get burned as well.
Damn you, love, for being uncontrollable and emotionally irrational, for being amazing and tempting, for being a mental **** and causing physical pain, and for being a blessing and a curse.
I hurt important and valuable people for no other reason than having fallen in love, when I knew I should have stopped it and been honest about some things. I wanted to hold on as long as I could before giving them a reason to leave me, I kept delaying the truth to not have to cause them hurt, but the longer the delay, the more the hurt. Although the hurt didn't bypass me, I had never expected it to.
The girl and I, in the meantime, had backed off a little bit, at least not spending as much time together, but the same kind of time together. Her boyfriend was back in the picture more, and he was the kids father after all. I spent a good portion of my time working and doing my usual, getting wasted afterward. Eventually, she had to stop those same indulgences, because the Fall season dropped a new leaf, she became pregnant. Doh!
Fall also brought the leaving of someone I cared for, because I told the truth. It was sudden, no time for explanation, and why would it matter anyway. I hope her heart didn't hurt half as much as mine did, I wouldn't even wish that pain on an enemy, of which it had felt like I just made. Going from being loved to hated in one day really jacks with the senses.
But a couple others stuck in there with me, one whom had been a friend since the beginning, and one whom I had shared a deep connection with. Yes, just friends, same as the other, just different. Whatever, what matters is that we had such a cool connection that when she needed to walk away from me just as winter was approaching, it practically paralyzed me in every way.
The other friend I mentioned was, well, not really available much for me, with her own right, but she does does the best she can with me. So I was pretty much left with no one again, and only being half considered by the girl friend.
So the last few weeks have gone just as things are now. I went back to drinkin and druggin, although I sobered up for a week, but it appears that I'm heading into 2013 the same way I started last year. The only difference is I am her roommate now, although that doesn't mean we spend a lot of time together. So that leaves me with no one to talk to, getting wasted, and wasting time. Seems familiar.
As much as I've been trying to change things about myself, or maybe just wanting to and putting in half the effort, I still can't get back to good. I can't find my way back to that good, young, Christian guy I used to be, before I ever felt and knew love, being in love. I've been screwed since then, and while I truly mean no harm, I can't seem to stop causing it.
No, I'm not a psycho, I just am what I am and that means never being able to be somebody's "someone."
It even seems to be that way with the girl, there is no commitment there to speak of, just mixed signals and mixed feelings. But sometimes "feelin good was good enough for me" so I take what I can get.
My heart, however, longs for the love it felt and gave before.
So come on 2013, I'm open!

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26-30
1 Response
1
Dec 13, 2015

Patience is a virtue.
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