Since I work at a gihugemous liquor store, we have copies of Wine Spectator magazine in the break room. Today I was flipping through the latest issue and found this excerpt from an article by someone named Mark Pendergrass. The article tackled the issue of substandard coffee served at fancy restaurants. Here are a few helpful hints from Mark:

"Treat the cup as if you were being presented a bottle of wine. Smell your brew as soon as it is served. If it isn't aromatically appealing, it's probably not going to be satisfactory in the mouth. Take a small sip to see, and then if necessary, politely ask the waiter to bring you a freshly brewed cup."

Yeah, that's a good idea, sending back the coffee. On one hand, the scalding hot temperature of the brew will probably deter the kitchen staff from placing their collective cock-n-balls directly into the cup; however, it won't stop them from turning your beverage into a bodily fluid horn-of-plenty.

I'm not suggesting that anyone pay for bad coffee, but a better idea might be to have it taken off the bill and then make a stop at one of the FIFTY coffeehouses you'll pass on the way home.

"If even a fresh cup doesn't taste good, talk to the manager. Find out where he or she gets the beans, how long they have been on the shelf, what brew proportion is used, how the water is tested. Make the manager aware that customers expect coffee service to be more than an afterthought."

NO!! Please for the love of Cunty McCunterson don't do any of those things! The world DOES NOT need another needy, entitled consumer. For Mark Pendergrast to give the overpriviledged, spoiled subscribers of Wine Spectator expressed written consent to be giant pains in the arse is inexcusable! By all means, he's saying, waste the restaurant manager's time with coffee questions so obscure they would make Juan Valdez's nuts shrivel. He's just some dumb service industry dork who has nothing better to do than listen to your yuppie minutiae.

Hey, why stop there? What's this asshole's next article? "I think a waiter who serves you an inferior cup of coffee should have it thrown in his face. His permanent scars will serve as a stark reminder of his lower station in life."

I will give the guy credit for one thing: He gave perfect advice to all ladies who may find themselves on the business end of a blowjob: "If it isn't aromatically appealing, it's probably not going to be satisfactory in the mouth."

I know there are people like Mark Pendergras in the world and I usually try to ignore them. But, it sucks when they show up in publications like Wine Spectator and spew forth their contempt for the people of the lower stations in life.

If i were the hapless waitress who served that twat. I'd make him another cup and cough up the biggest phlegm ball the world has ever seen straight into it.How you like your coffee now wankstain?Muahahaha!

Yes I would not want to be a loathed sports figure, hatemonger/politician eating out just think what those poor fuckers end up eating? I will not send back food, I have known to many people behind the swinging doors, shit happens.

dawn,Wine Spectator has some interesting articles on wine and food, but they need to lose the attitude.

steph,if I ever make you mad, I'd prefer a spanking, thank you.

josh,I saw a woman in Las Vegas send back a three dollar steak. I hope that was worth having the chef use her "new" steak" as taint floss.

tits,will you print t-shirts that say that?

egan,I'm sure this guy's hands have never been dirty.

ms. smack,I love waiterrant. LET ME MAKE SOMETHING PERFECTLY CLEAR: I DO NOT think servers have a lower station of any kind. My comment was meant to imply that Mr. Pendergrast, based on what he wrote, held that opinion.

When I lived in Las Vegas it wasn't uncommon for servers to make a hundred thousand dollars a year or more. A friend of a friend was a VIP host, which is a cocktail waitress/bartender, who made over five hundred grand a year working four shifts a week.

However, even if a waiter works at a Denny's and struggles to get by, I still don't think their occupation puts them in any kind of lower station.

"Since you're obviously unemployed due to your excessive bitching, use the opportunity to suggest that they hire you as a food quality consultant. When the the entire restaurant staff starts to mob you, take solace in the fact that they have a lawsuit coming to them."

Good advice for baristas or managers put in this situation: tell the pretentious yuppie prick that the beans come straight from the feces of Argentinian hyenas. They EAT UP that crap! Then, as a goodwill gesture, shit in their next cup.

Some people have no where to live. Or no health insurance. Or no job. Or live paycheck to paycheck. Maybe they or their parents or their children have just been diagnosed with cancer or some other possibly fatal disease.

But all that pales in comparison to being served a slightly disappointing cup of coffee.

Take gratification from the knowledge that returning coffee is the highlight of the cocksuckers evening. From the Exerpt you've elightened us with I'd say he normally eats alone... the waitress/manager is probably the only person he's spoken to in weeks...