Starbucks is the best and worst place on the entire planet. On the one hand, they have more than enough delicious caffeine, whipped cream, and overpriced travel mugs to satisfy your early morning cravings. On the other hand, they’re usually a steaming hotbed of douchebaggery. Here are the 9 most annoying people you’ll run into at your local Starbucks:

The Regular

Y’know what’s awesome? When you walk into a Starbucks to find a line about thirty patrons deep, and then the person who gets in line behind you just shouts to their "friend" behind the counter: "Hey, Colby! I’m getting my usual!" Then, the line jumper spends the rest of his time trying to "just sneak in and pay real quick" so that he can avoid standing in line with all the other losers who don’t come to this particular Starbucks as often as he does, and therefore don’t deserve special service. If, by some miracle, the Starbucks employee forces The Regular to wait in line to pay like a normal person, then they still get their coffee way before anyone else does, and they get to stand there and enjoy their delicious morning beverage while everyone else is pulling their hair out in desperate need of their morning fix. This type of special treatment is just blatantly wrong, unless I’m getting the treatment, in which case I’m okay with it.

The Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker

At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But, since anyone who’s over-qualified to be a Wal-Mart greeter is a Wal-Mart cashier, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin’ dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your $4 coffee in peace, you have to deal with: "Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Hi! WELCOME TO STARBUCKS!!! And how are you doing today?!?!"

The Kid

It’s been scientifically proven that if you give a thoroughbred horse a tall iced mocha right before a race, it will always win*. This is because of the massive and ungodly amounts of caffeine and sugar that are somehow contained within each Starbucks brand beverage. These drinks get you so wired that they should come with some kind of surgeon general’s warning on the side of the cup. Yet, somehow, people allow 8-year old kids, who are all ready hyperactive thanks to the addition of these Starbucks brand energy injections into their normal diet, to pound back Caramel Machiatos by the dozens on a daily basis. Remember the crazy fast zombies in 28 Days Later? Well, this is the first step to making them. Keep it up, humanity!

The Manager Who Refuses to Recognize Standard Sizes

I understand: you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You, Starbucks, are the one who’s chosen to be "different" by calling your sizes something other than what they are. If you insist on looking at me like I’m a retard speaking Chinese whenever I order a "small" coffee, then I’m going to insist that you give me change for a dollar with "3 twinklies, 3 chartruse bubblebunnies, and a dragonplumber". Deal with it.

The Complicated Order Guy

When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam", you just drink a glass of water. They can make that pretty quickly, so you won’t have to pace around in front of the pick up counter like a starving circus lion at lunch time. The best part about it: last I checked, a glass of water won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety (unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana).

The Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office

Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. "Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?" Then, instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he painstakingly inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his invasive, coffee-harvesting burro.

The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer

Being a writer is a pretty cool (albeit thrifty) occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. However, feeling the need to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their brand new powerbook, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of Final Draft. After they get their overly-elaborate morning beverage, they’ll sit at a table and stare at their computer screen, taking deep breaths, suggesting an intense and creative thought process that normal minds are not capable of. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people? The most important thing is that you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!

The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day

Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally "doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown." But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. "Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you! They’re everywhere! Can you grab me a handful of Splenda?"

The Study Group

Screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to have your 20-person study session in an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every f*cking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over the frappucino machine. Would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.

Ok, that ¨water from Tijuana¨ comment, if it was just a joke, alright, but don´t go spreading that lie around if you were actually serious. You just don´t drink water from the tap in Mexico, it´s common knowledge, it´s always been like that here (I live in Tijuana, btw). Bottled water is what you drink here, no one uses tap water for drinking, you´d have to be seriously damaged in the head to do that. So, remember that, please.

You forgot the “DEVOTEE” This a**hole stands in line and jabbers on about how much they love their Starbucks and can’t live with out it. They have the travel mug as well as know and use the stupid, idiot lingo of the ‘tard manager. They have tried every drink in every combination. They don’t see it as anywhere near stupid that they are paying Starbucks three times the amount of money for a CUP of coffee what they pay Exxon for a gallon of gas. This douche probably has half the crap CDs the place sells and knows what the jerk-off writer’s book is about.

You also forgot Peter King. The guy thinks that he discovered coffee I’m pretty sure, and since he did (and since he writes for a leading sports publication) that we all care about his “coffee thoughts.” Hey Peter, I’m an adult, and perfectly capable of determining what I like and don’t like in a beverage. What a pretentious jerk.

I hate that guy when he comes into my business. He is so impotent (oops I meant important) and distracted by his soooo impotent phone call that he is rude tells me to wait while he talks then blurts out his business as though I am his personal slave. Cell phone guy GTFO!

This article implies that there are also people at starbucks who ARENT annoying. it shouldve just been, the most annoying people at starbucks:anyone who goes. i dont think ive met anyone who goes there are a regular basis that doesnt have less than average intelligence and/or common sense. either that or they have image problems and need to go to be seen.

As one of the other people in that study group picture, I’ve spent enough time in a Starbucks to know that the three of us are definitely the least annoying. And in general, most of the people who are there to study by themselves are not that annoying. They’re there because school libraries either a) are depressing, b) make you feel like a tool/nerd, or c) doesn’t serve Starbucks coffee.

It’s the people who are there to have really loud phone conversations while doing stuff on two laptops at once and thereby taking up multiple tables/chairs, who are so loud that they’re impossible to drown out even with headphones in, THOSE are the annoying ones.

What is this “internet” you speak of? This is just a series of tubes delivering articles across the country for extensive peer review and complete APA style citations in hopes of publication in International Starbucks Journal, right?

No, that’s not what we have here? Just a website that makes people laugh (even on reposts)? Dear God, quickly someone try to ruin it for everyone!

“Starbucks is the best and worst place on the entire planet.” It really just seems like the worst. You guys aren’t much better though.

So what is the strategy for producing content at holytaco.com? Come up with tired unoriginal critiques on how Starbucks sucks and then take some images from personal websites and facebook without crediting any photographer or asking their permission?

Did you mention all the people who go there and think they own the place and god forbid if you sit in the chair they want, this is a free country right!! Don’t even tell me about the bathroom issues!!! Coffee is a diretic !!!!

Here’s one…How bout the 40 yo virgin who sits in said coffee shop…. has watched the same girl come into the coffee shop every morning…plans his jobless morning around same girl coming in everyday…gets pissed when another man talks to HIS girl, because for the last year he didn’t have the cajones to do it…Hey that’s you!
I see you signed your last post. Go figure.

How about the lady fixing the drink behind the counter? Even though you are standing right in front of her she walks the drink alllll tthheee wwwwaaayyyy to the other end of the bar, sets it down then yells AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGSSS…. “CARAMEL FRAPACHINO ON THE BAR” even though you are the only other person in the place. Yes brunette in Athens, Ga. you know who you are!

It’s so sad that I recognize myself in the overly happy order taker position. At my work place we are required to be so over the top friendly that it makes me want to shoot myself. I must occasionally commit murder in my mind just to keep my sanity.

I work at starbucks and this list is hilarious regardless who posted it first. You guys forgot the most annoying customer of all time. The At MY STARBUCKS THEY MAKE IT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME AND USUALLY I GET CHARGED HALF THAT PRICE. Great for you. I am happy you love “your” starbucks. If you love it that much, get the hell out of my store and go back to yours, because I really don’t give a shit what they do at “your” starbucks. Your at mine.

For someone who makes the argument coffee should be simple, you sure are flowery in your writing. Coffee is not coffee, there are many ways to drink it and most of them are older than the way you like yours. You should be a little more open minded. Also, the best you could come up with for you muffler analogy was a camaro? That may explain why you are drinking motor oil and calling it coffee

Starbucks virgins. Really? I thought I’d heard everything prior to that comment, but that one cocked an incredulous eyebrow. Starbucks Nation should do us all a favour and close it’s borders so we don’t have to deal with you coming into our coffee houses and whining about the lack of choice and you don’t have to be bothered by people who are curious about the manufactured, “gourmet” experience. Further to that point, if you have to tart up your coffee with pretentious names, whipped cream, caramel drizzle, and “just a sprinkle” of freshly grated cinnamon then you have bigger problems in life. Doing that to coffee (black, delicious, 100% Arabica coffee) is like putting a trick muffler on a Honda Civic. Sure, it’s all chromey and loud, but it’s not a Camaro. Coffee is coffee. It comes in a pot and it’s poured in a cup. Sugar and cream/milk is optional and you put that in yourself.

You’re right. Nobody has ever had a first time in Starbucks. It is now a genetic trait to know proper coffee protocol. Non coffee drinkers are just retarded if they ever decide to finally venture into the ridiculous, overly-complicated store. Wake up.

You forgot “Time Machine Victim” otherwise known as the person who has apparently never set foot in a Starbucks before and goes during morning rush hour and is just bowled over by the choices and various options “So what is a mocha again? Do you have a small sized? Now where do I go to pick that up? Do I just stand here? In the middle of everyone?”

“There are many ways to drink [coffee] and most of them are older than the way you like yours.” Really? Older than coffee? I want you to think about what you said. Older than plain, black coffee? *Older* than pouring hot water through roasted, ground up beans? Really?

As for your observation that my writing is flowery, that’s probably how it might appear to someone just coming off picture books.

yeah you’re right, they really did plagiarize almost the entire article! All of the phrasing/text in this article is nearly identical to the one on the MyHumors99 site, and the MyHumors99 article was published on May 7th, 2009. This one was posted on April 27th, 2010… Do the math, and admit that you stole this article, Justin!

(Although I admit that it’s possible that the other site could have plagiarized it from you first if you really did originally publish it in May of 2008… but until I see that article/a link to it, I agree with Webders.)

Well aren’t all these sites (Holy Taco, Cracked, etc.) just written by a bunch of freelancers anyways? I read an article that said they pay writers a couple hundred bucks for these, knowing that they’ll be all over Digg and stuff. Good for this guy, he got his 200 and HolyTaco got their clicks.

Just wondering,if you saw this before, were there tons of grammatical errors and misspelled words? This ‘writer’ apparently failed summer school middle school English.
As far as the ‘overly friendly cashier’ goes, would you prefer a surly grump?