Stupid Questions this week With...Morgan Fairchild

Charlene Tilton. Morgan Brittany. Heather Thomas. All are ’80s soap opera queens who could only dream of possessing the name recognition that Morgan Fairchild has maintained for two decades. From sly Old Navy spokeswoman to the foxy mother she plays in her May 19 guest appearance on Fox’s That ’70s Show, Fairchild shows no sign of curbing her vixenish tendencies – even when subjected to a barrage of Stupid Questions.

Love your Old Navy commercials. Do they pay you in cargo pants? No. They pay me in rugby shirts.

What was your favorite TV-movie character name: Babylonia Fine from I Was a Teenage Faust, Magenta Hart in Writer’s Block, or Satin Chow in Based on an Untrue Story? Well, I loved doing Based on an Untrue Story. You have to remember with Satin Chow that my sisters were Corduroy and Velour. And our mother was Polly Esther.

Do you look at famous TV bitches like Heather Locklear and Joan Collins and sniff, ”Amateurs!”? Oh, we’re all pros! Usually the people who play the bitches are really nice – it’s the ingenues that’ll put the knitting needle in your gut.

On Falcon Crest, you played a character named Jordan, who was a schizophrenic attorney by day and a hooker by night. Is there really much of a difference between a schizophrenic attorney and a hooker? No, no. Not these days. Mostly just wardrobe changes.

You played Jenny Boyer on The Love Boat in 1977. We have to know: Was the shuffleboard on the lido deck rigged? Once or twice a year Love Boat actually did a real cruise and this [episode] was one of those, so it was, like, sailing from Australia to Fiji…. I can tell you the Tasman Sea is one of the roughest in the world and everybody was as sick as a dog except me. No one was even up to playing shuffleboard.

So you’re saying the Pacific Princess wasn’t a floating orgy? People were too sick to orgy-ize.

In 1984 you published Morgan Fairchild’s Super Looks, described as ”a guide to transform ugly ducklings into swans.” Are you gonna sue Fox ‘cause they totally stole your idea? I’m not a litigious person, so I will let them run with it. It’s kind of funny. I’ve had so many people write my fansite asking if I would update the book.

So when it is updated, will you leave out the chapter on shoulder pads? [Laughs] There was no chapter on shoulder pads! Because we always knew even then that shoulder pads were a transitory fashion. This was a classic book.

You hosted Battle of the Network Stars in 1983. What was tougher, kayaking around those buoys or not firing your agent? I didn’t do any of the sports. I did commentary with Howard Cosell. I didn’t have to break a fingernail.

The year before you were co-ringmaster of Circus of the Stars. What exactly did the ringmaster duties entail? You get to be the host and you don’t really have to do any stupid tricks. I’m a lazy bitch, okay?