STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — It’s not until one is in the position of caring for an aging parent that he or she fully can comprehend just how complicated it can be.

From the emotional hurdles of dealing with a parent’s ailing health to practical decisions about Mom or Dad’s care, the caregiver’s job is an incredibly stressful one.

For many adult children, dealing with a sibling who has a different opinion on the best way to care for their aging parent is one of the thornier issues they’ll have to contend with.

Claudia Duff, director of Integrity Senior Services based in Mariners Harbor, which provides in-home counseling services to seniors and caregivers, said one obstacle that frequently crops up among adult siblings is when one wants to keep Dad or Mom at home, while another believes it’s necessary to put him/her in an assisted living facility.

“Both parties want what’s best,” Ms. Duff said, “but they have different ideas of how to get there.”

These kinds of disagreements often arise between children who live near the parent and are taking on most of the caregiving duties and those who live out of state.

As part of her job, Rosemarie Ruggero, a geriatric care manager with a private practice in West Brighton called ElderCare Advocacy, helps families ascertain the best option for the senior.

According to the licensed clinical social worker, siblings who don’t live nearby often don’t realize the severity of the condition, as many seniors, not wanting to be a burden on their children, try to cover their physical handicaps.

Ms. Ruggero said even if children who live far away are in touch with Mom or Dad by telephone daily, “they’re not aware that the refrigerator is empty or that the house is in disarray, whereas the child that’s closer sees the [real] situation.”

However, she quickly pointed out, putting a parent in a nursing home isn’t necessarily the answer. With the right care, she said, many seniors wishing to remain at home may do so.

THE MATTER OF MONEY

Another topic siblings may squabble over is finances.

Some children believe all of the parent’s money should go toward his/her care, while others, concerned the expenses will eat away at their inheritance, may object.

Ms. Duff said friction over money can intensify when the elder parent hasn’t named a power of attorney and no one has authority over the parent’s financial matters.

Ms. Ruggero pointed out a parent not having a living will or health care proxy in place also can complicate matters, and said she knows of cases where adult children have fought over whether to “pull the plug” on an incapacitated parent.

Additionally, tensions can fester because siblings have different ways of handling the crisis, ranging from overly emotional to coldly rational and everything in-between.

“There may be one [sibling] who just can’t see Mom [in a frail state] and another who is talking to the doctors incessantly, demanding private duty nursing when it’s not necessary,” Ms. Ruggero said, describing the range of responses adult children may have.

“I think at the bottom of all of it is that they’re afraid they’re going to lose their parent and so the anxiety that it induces gets manifested in different ways among the siblings,” she went on. “It can either bring out the best or bring out the worst.”

TURNING TO MEDIATION

When the situation brings out the worst in a family, some turn to an elder-care mediator to help settle their differences.

A partner at Stalder Raich, a Manhattan-based family and divorce mediation firm, Sequoia Stalder said today a growing number of siblings unable to overcome conflicts pertaining to their parents is opting to hire mediators to weigh in.

Stalder, who also serves as the director of Conflict Resolution Services at New York Center for Interpersonal Development in St. George, explained a mediator’s role is to help the parties involved frame the conversation and examine “the underlying needs and interests each has that haven’t been adequately expressed or understood.”

While it’s usually just one family member who enlists his services, Stalder doesn’t take sides and waits until two (or more) parties meet, voluntarily, before discussing the issues.

At the meeting, each person has a chance to share his/her side of the story. Stalder works with them to clarify and identify areas of disagreement. They have a discussion, issue by issue, and determine together the best course of action that can meet both of their needs.

“The conversation can be very challenging,” Stalder said, “but if both sides are willing to engage with the other and express what’s important to them, constructive agreements can be reached.”