My bad! How to say you're sorry

Friday

May 27, 2011 at 12:01 AM

This month, everyone is sorry. Basketball great LeBron James apologized for the self-serving show he staged when he unceremoniously dumped Cleveland 10 months ago to play for the Miami Heat. Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich apologized for his attack on the Medicare overhaul plan of fellow Republican, Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin.

GWENN FRISS

This month, everyone is sorry.

Basketball great LeBron James apologized for the self-serving show he staged when he unceremoniously dumped Cleveland 10 months ago to play for the Miami Heat. Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich apologized for his attack on the Medicare overhaul plan of fellow Republican, Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin.

On the home front, former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for the pain he caused his wife of 25 years, Maria Kennedy Shriver, and their four children by fathering a child 10 years ago with his housekeeper.

"Americans have a big hunger for three things: beautiful women, athletes and public apologies made by personalities. They love it and then they move on to the next person," says George Regan, founder and CEO of Regan Communications Group. "It's filling a demand. Public officials who cannot bring themselves to apologize really pay the price."

This latest slate of apologies must have golfer Tiger Woods breathing a sigh of relief.

Woods was dogged for weeks in 2009 after he refused comment on reports of his serial infidelity, offered a stilted apology, then was the subject of a Nike commercial that used chastising audio clips of his dead dad in 60 of the creepiest seconds on TV.

Woods' drawn-out debacle was exactly what Regan's Boston-based firm — which represents the Boston Celtics, Dunkin' Donuts and scores of others — advises against. Regan says it's sometimes good for a celebrity to tell his or her story to one reporter so it will get out without the barrage of questions in a press conference.

"The key is you move on after the apology," Regan says. "There are no more questions and then the American public will move on to the next person who's behaving badly."

But what if you are the one who is behaving badly?

Out of the spotlight, where most of the world lives, you can't always move on and expect someone else to take your place on the walk of shame. Spouses, children, parents and colleagues tend to have a longer memory than the American public.

"What's really important is to understand it might take a while for that person (you wronged) to come around and trust you again. You need to make it clear that you understand and are willing to wait," says Elizabeth Vigliotti, a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in South Yarmouth.

Vigliotti says she is appalled by the devastation Schwarzenegger has wreaked on two families. She dislikes public apologies that cater to the public and not the person who was hurt. She says she also doesn't understand apologies that involve gifts (basketball player Kobe Bryant bought his wife a $4 million rare purple diamond ring after he was accused of extramarital sex) because it's like bribing a child for good behavior.

Behavior plays a key role in the apology, says Andrew Aaron, a New Bedford-based licensed independent clinical social worker who does marriage counseling and sex therapy, as well as writing a column for The Standard Times.

"A complete apology includes behavior change. You should say these are the steps

"When someone does something wrong, therapists are talking about healing. I'm talking about how to solve the problem so they don't get involved with some legal issue."

Wilkins remembers a case where he helped a 15-year-old and his parents learn to get along well enough to live as a family. "Saying 'I'm sorry' can be said in many ways — things like 'I now understand,' 'I didn't realize that.'"

The mediator's job, he says, is to teach people to communicate. Wilkins says he finds the common ground — often just one point that both parties agree on — and works from there to resolve the argument even if the relationship is past saving.

"I worked with four brothers fighting over an estate for six years. No one said they were sorry, but all came to a center ground realizing they could better use their energy."

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