BID/BLACKBALL: Week 3 Fantasy Football Preview

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Welcome to BID/BLACKBALL, your one-stop shop for guaranteed fantasy football and gambling success (READ: do the complete opposite of everything I say). “BID” means I have that player ranked higher than others might. “BLACKBALL” means I’m a little hesitant to plunge straight in without wearing any protection. Got it? Good.

Picks are on the left; Home teams are in CAPS.

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THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

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New York Giants (+2.5) vs. CAROLINA

BID: Martellus Bennett, TE, NYG

I have a full-blown fantasy man crush on Martellus Bennett. Through 2 games, he has 9 catches for 112 yards and 2 touchdowns. He is quickly entering the Tier-One echelon of tight ends. Not to mention, what a name! Anytime I hear his name, I can’t help but imagine that he talks just like Marsellus Wallace, the deliberate-speaking, mafia-running victim from Pulp Fiction.

*Martellus Bennett wins a jump-ball, looks down at opposing linebacker*: YOU HEAR ME TALKIN’, HILLBILLY BOY? I AIN’T THROUGH WITH YOU BY A DAMN SIGHT. I’MA GET MEDIEVAL ON YO.

BLACKBALL: Carolina Running Backs

Stewart’s banged up. DeAngelo ran for -1 yards two weeks ago. Tolbert and Cam remain lurking to vulture any success they have. Meanwhile, the GGGG-MENNNNNNNN have the 13th-ranked defense in the league. Stay away.

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SUNDAY’S 1:00 GAMES

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CHICAGO (-7.5) vs. St. Louis

BID: Michael Bush, RB, CHI

As soon as Bush moved to the Windy City, Matt Forte should’ve seen his high-ankle sprain coming. Why? Because Michael Bush is an opportunistic prick. It’s like clockwork. Bush comes to town, the starter suffers a grotesque injury, and then, while he’s on the sidelines, Bush takes his job (and outperforms him), makes passionate love to his wife, and convinces the other guy’s kids that Nick Cannon’s more hilarious than him (Cut to 2011 Darren McFadden owners nodding dejectedly).

BLACKBALL: Jay Cutler, QB, CHI

DOOONNNNTTTTTT CAAAARRRREEEEEE.

DALLAS (-8) vs. Tampa Bay

BID: Tony Romo, QB, DAL

Now, THERE’s the Tony Romo we’ve all grown to know and love! After a strong outing in Week One against the defending champs, Romo looked downright intimidated by the deafening noise of CenturyLink Field. Now that he’s away from all those big, bad, minivan-driving Seattleite baristas, look for Anthony to put up monster numbers against a Bucs defense that allowed Eli to throw for 510 yards in Week Two.

BLACKBALL: Kevin Ogletree, WR, DAL

Why? Because it’s Kevin Ogletree! Anyone who wasted a waiver claim on this schmuck after Week One is an idiot.

San Francisco (-6.5) vs. MINNESOTA

BID: Alex Smith, QB, SF

Jim Harbaugh is a giant bag of maize and blue-colored douches, but, my God, he sure knows how to groom a quarterback. Very quietly, Smith has averaged 21 fantasy points a week. Great numbers? No. But he’s definitely serviceable, especially in 2QB leagues.

BLACKBALL: Mario Manningham, WR, SF

Shut your mouth, Mario Manningham. If I wasn’t in uniform, I’d split your skull faster than you can say “police brutality.” All I want to do is take that dog by the neck that you call “Mother”, tie her to the back of a station wagon, and speed away. She could probably keep up for a mile or two, tough little mutt. Just know that, when you find her bloody carcass lying on the back of the interstate, it was NOT an accident. I did it. Damn you, Mario Manningham. Damn you and your dream-crushing dastardly ways. You ruined my freshman year. Go suck an egg.

Detroit (-3.5) vs. TENNESSEE

BID: Jared Cook, TE, TEN

In Week Two, the Detroit Football Lions allowed the 6’3”, 250 lb. Vernon Davis to go off for 5 receptions for 73 yards and 2 scores. In Week Three, this collection of overwhelmed Nancyboys, otherwise known as Lions linebackers, have the task of shutting down Cook, who is 6’5” and weighs 250 lbs. Prediction: PAIN. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to need a drink… or twenty.

BLACKBALL: Chris Johnson, RB, TEN

I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K.

WASHINGTON (-3) vs. Cincinnati

BID: Robert Griffin III, QB, WASH

BLACKBALL: AJ Green, WR, CIN

All the talent in the world cannot change the fact that the guy lobbing A.J. the pigskin is a ginger creepazoid. Which brings us to Gambling Rule #89: NEVER bet on Cincy when they have a game in sunlight.

New York Jets (-2.5) vs. MIAMI

BID: Tim Tebow, QB, NYJ

You know it’s coming. Put your ear to the ground. You can already hear them chanting his name. The Sanchize passed for only 138 yards last week. Any resistance Mark puts up is futile, and is only delaying the inevitable. The dawn of the Second Coming is upon us. Say it with me, now.

TEEEBBBBOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

BLACKBALL: Mark Sanchez, QB, NYJ

***HALFTIME SHOW

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SUNDAY MID-AFTERNOON GAMES

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Houston (-2) vs. DENVER

BID: HOUSTON D/ST

I’m not sure what’s in the water down in Texas. It’s probably some diabolical concoction of vomited Cuervo, Dorn’s crushed dreams, and the corpses of mentally handicapped toddlers that have been executed by the State. Whatever it may be, there’s no denying that it produces some downright nasty defenses. Everything’s bigger in Texas, including Houston’s defensive production. Going into Week Three, the Texans have only allowed 17 points, have picked off the ball three times, and have forced 2 fumbles. Yikes. I can already feel the grimace in Eli’s Brother’s neck.

BLACKBALL: Ben Tate, RB, HOU

In Week One, the most valuable handcuff in fantasy football ran five times for six yards. In Week Two, he rushed for 74 yards and 2 touchdowns on his way to putting up 21 fantasy points for everyone’s bench. This is what Ben Tate does. As long as Arian Foster is healthy, all you can really do is try to guess if the Texans will blow out the other team enough for Tate to get some touches. The Broncos have only allowed 147 rushing yards, seventh best in the League. Sit Tate, but keep a box of Kleenex handy for when he inevitably goes off.

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Sunday Night Football

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New England (+3) vs. BALTIMORE

BID: Wes Welker, WR, NE

Aaron Hernandez is out, meaning that Mr. Gisele is going to need to rely on Welker more than ever to take the pressure off Gronk, who, so far, has been playing like his biggest battle in the trenches is against his hangover… which is actually probably the case.

BLACKBALL: Joe Flacco, QB, BAL

As poised and confident in the pocket as he has looked against the competent defenses of Cincy and Philly, just remember- he’s still Joseph Vincent Flacco. From the University of Delaware. Don’t you forget that. Don’t you EVER forget that.

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Monday Night Football

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Green Bay (-3) vs. SEATTLE

BID: Jordy Nelson

He’s due. He HAS to be due. Right? I will keep telling myself that a white wide receiver coming off a career year (while the number one WR on his team was injured) was a TOTALLY justifiable fifth round pick until the day I die. My tombstone will read, “Here lies JParks, hopeless romantic with an unwavering soft spot for replaceable token white guys.”

BLACKBALL: Russell Wilson, QB, SEA

“I’m riding shotgun in the Cult of Russell this season.” –Bill Simmons

I’d hold my piss in for 5 years just to be able to let it all fly up Brooklyn Decker’s gaping vag after she gives birth to her child, that I had produced via natural insemination 9 months prior. Than I’d take a shit on the child and eat it. It’s a TFM.

While I do appreciate a natural seasoning such as feces on my children when I eat them, I would much rather lather up babies with some sweet baby ray’s and throw them in the smoker for about 12 hours. It really brings out all the natural, juicy flavors.