Out of all your poems I have read here (and on Tumblr), I must say that this is probably my favourite piece of yours. I do like the idea of music in nature. And I feel that this piece is really strong in terms of it's imagery. But that said, I feel that I have read about these theme before in many poems. (About music in nature and things that are quiet are the ones that makes the most noise/or are the loudest). So I think majority of my feedback/comments that I will mention now would have to do with how to make this poem less cliché, more unique, and hopefully more you, as the relationship between the music and the protagonist (in this instance, I am assuming is you) is shown strongly in this poem.

Before I go into that, I would like to comment on the form of this poem first. I feel that this poem has many ideas, many examples. Having all the examples in a run on stanza like the way it is now makes it hard for the reader to pause, think about the ideas and sock in the imagery that is there. Breaking this poem up and adding more stanzas will definitely help in creating that space for readers to reflect within the poem before moving on to the next idea/image that is presented to the reader. Breaking up the stanzas will also slow down the pace of the reader. I feel that with the poem's form the way it is now, it is really difficult to soak in all the images. If there were stanzas, I would register the words more, pay attention to the words more.

Things that are often quieted, are the things that

seem loudest to me.

they are the things that whisper

my name the most.

In my opinion, the above four lines are telling and not showing. I feel that these 4 lines could be incorporated into the title of the poem. Something like Quiet Things That Whisper My Name or Music That Whispers My Name or Quiet Things That Scream My Name (adding the word scream here instead of whisper really shows the contradiction between the quiet and loud, without you having to use the word loud) This way of changing the title also makes the poem personal right from the beginning. 'Music' seems a really general title, one that many poets/writers have used before. But a title that is personal will draw readers in to continue reading this poem.

As the poem develops further, I get the feeling that the poem is becoming a list. This is where stanza breaks will come in. One stanza for each thing listed will transform the way this poem looks on page. It will be neater. The list of this poem starts from things that are on the ground/on earth before moving on to things that are in the sky, and then back down again to the Earth. before saying that the protagonist wishes that she was somewhere else. I think this poem would be stronger if the list is rearranged a little bit more. The imagery of flying would be stronger if the flying related images were arranged just before and just after these lines.

this makes me wish I were in england

and had the ability to walk everywhere

I went.

I find that the last two lines of this poem a little awkward. Maybe that's because it is back to telling and not really showing. I feel that the idea presented in the last two lines could be merged with the lines before it.

how I wish to feel love at my fingertips,

but respectfully, how I know I cannot.

these things speak to me.

my ears tend to create music that was

never there to begin with.

In the above lines, I also feel that the word 'respectfully' can be removed. It doesn't add to what the poem is trying to say as well. I think that one way to combine the ideas in this lines would be to rewrite the 'feel love at my fingertips' part to something that has to do with the music of love, since this poem is about sounds, music. The last two lines I felt were written for impact, so that the poem has a twist. I think that this twist will work better if it is somehow merged into the idea of feeling love. That way, it would be part of one of the things on this list, rather than something that stands alone.

Also, another thing I noticed is that there was't any capital letters in this poem. I think that that is fine for some experimental poetry. However, for this poem, I don't think it works. One example is the word England, where the letter 'e' is in lower case. I feel that the protagonist in this poem dreams about England and has a high regard for England. Thus, by having the letter e in lower case, it takes away that respect for England. This poem also has proper punctuation. Having proper punctuation but still having sentences start with lower case looks awkward, in my opinion. If you would like to stick with the lower case, I think that removing the punctuation (mainly the fullstops) would be a better move so that the poem looks better on the page.

I like the imagery of war/battle in this poem. The imagery in this poem is constant, but in my opinion, the poet has to be careful when using war imagery as I feel some parts of the poem can seem political (which is weird as this poem isn't about politics). I think this is the case because this poem does not have details of personal experiences. For now, the poem seems to be general rather than having specific examples. A way to add this could be in stanza 5, where the voice of 'I' could show exactly what were the insecurity demons he/she fought. This will draw the reader deeper into the poem.

I am also unsure of who 'I' is. Sometimes when I read it, I feel that 'I' is the voice of the insecurities . For example, when I read the line 'such annoyance you ignore'. However, the later part of the stanza seems to suggest that 'I' is a person who had insecurities before and is a stronger person now for overcoming his/her insecurities.

I like how the poem ends. It feels that throughout the whole poem, the protagonist is against the person he/she is addressing but towards the end, he/she is able to sympathise with 'you'.

I think that the use of the word 'and' is a little excessive towards the last part of the poem. One way of cutting down one of the 'and' here would be to rewrite this stanza:

Somewhere lays a desireto pearl yourself be born-again,everyone prays, and even light knows even God knows

to:

Somewhere lies (lay is the past tense of lie) a desire

to pearl yourself to be born again.

Everyone prays.

Even Light knows.

Even God knows.

I capitalised the L because I feel that light in this sense deserves importance in this poem. Also having the lines the way it is above, makes those lines more important. When reading this poem, I felt that those lines were important. It is also a neater way of presenting those ideas. I like the way the poem's stanzas ended. They ended where they were supposed to end. A new idea was presented on a new stanza.

However, I find stanza 2 a little vague. I understand that it is talking about how self-pity could lead to people becoming charity cases and yet I feel that the 2nd and 3rd lines seem to be a little off from the 1st. I think that the ideas here can be expanded and have more details. I think that stanza 2 is really important cause it will give the readers a sense of the poem's stand. Thus, I feel that it is important to give this stanza a second look. Stanza 2 also has a minor spelling error. 2nd line - the word should be whispered. It is missing an 'i'.

Another thing grammar wise I spotted would be the use of speech marks/quotation marks. When going through some poetry courses, it was highlighted that perhaps when it comes to use of dialogue in a poem, instead of having speech marks, dialogue would look neater if those words were italicised instead. Perhaps that's something that would strengthen this poem's form?

I really like the progression from stanza 3 to 4. It is a smart way of showing that people who bring themselves down would focus on others' insecurities to avoid their own.

It is clear that there is some sort of interaction between two characters in this poem even though only the voice of one is heard. I think that the reason why this poem works is because of what people always say when they are asked how they are. The answer is usually just 'Yeah, fine' or something to that extend. This poem has taken that idea and developed into something further.

It seems that the characters in this poem had a moment of truth one night but one of them wants to pull away and go back to being in that 'I'm fine' category. This poem shows all of these things and doesn't tell, so kudos for managing to do something that others really struggle with.

However in my opinion, I feel that the form of this poem can be different. Even though it is short, it would have more impact if there are stanzas and spaces between certain lines mainly because there is a past (before the night) what is happening now and also what could happen in the future again. I also feel that 'I am here' is the most important part of the poem. by breaking this phrase to two lines, it makes the reader pause after I am and then reading 'here' is awkward after that. But if they are on the same line, the reader will read 'I am here' in one breathe, thus the impact after reading the poem will be higher. I came to this conclusion after reading the poem aloud. That's a trick I use when editing poems I write as well.

I think that this piece is really original and I like how it makes a person thing about how children react to death.

However I think that this poem can be developed more in terms of its characters. Perhaps leaving the questions I am asking unanswered is the aim of this poem, so that its readers can form their own answers. In my opinion, that can still be done by giving showing a little more insight to the characters. Instead of talking about feelings directly, perhaps the reactions of the child who the babysitter took care of? Maybe describing how lost she felt at the funeral/memorial.

I am not really sure if this form is the right one for the poem. I think that the nouns of the poem like 'sister' 'parents' should be on single lines like it already is because this gives emphasis and importance. However in my opinion, I feel that 'who knew her simply' could be just be on one line so that the important words of the poem are really read.

I am also wondering about the title. The title makes me think that it's about how the babysitter died. However, that is not what the poem is about. What about having something like 'The Aftermath of the babysitter's death'? Cause I feel that that's what the poem is talking about.

I try not to give 5 star reviews because that means that in my opinion, the poem is perfect the way it is and should be published somewhere for all to read and enjoy. And that is how this poem has made me feel.

This poem is perfectly crafted. The form, how it is on page works. The line breaks naturally. When reading the poem aloud, the poem flows, there are no awkward moments.

The title fits the piece really well. I love how 'Shaken' feels like a slightly negative word, or at least, to me, I picture a negative image in my mind first. But then I go on to read the poem, and it's the opposite. The way the poem develops makes it seem like the earthquake was the best thing that could happen to this place/city. The last line is a punch in the face because it implies that the city was pretty dead before the earthquake and that the earthquake has somehow made this city alive. It also makes me think about life in general and how humans sometimes need wake up calls from nature to realise that life can be beautiful. I like how this poem says that indirectly.

This poem also paints a vivid picture of the earthquake without using too many words.The use of the word 'lounge' to describe the car in the last stanza not only paints a picture of how the car is after the disaster, but also shows that the car is having a holiday after a long time.

I like the theme of this poem, having the desire to run away from the past and perhaps even start anew, but unable to due to whatever is holding the protagonist back. I imagine that there are quite a few people who are experiencing this, even people who want to move on, but their shackles are others who constantly talk about whatever it is that happened or memories that refuse to let someone move on etc. So kudos to you for penning down this. I am sure there are lots of people who would relate to this poem.

I particularly like the title of this piece. "Runaway Train' implies that there is a sense of not solving the problem or situation but running away from whatever is hurting the protagonist in a quick and swift manner, not looking back, not caring.

There are some parts of this poem that are really strong. (Meaning they show the reader and not merely tell) One such instance would be the first few lines -->

I want to fly,

not like a bird or a plane

or dust suddenly caught in sunlight,

but like a runaway train

I think this is also my favourite part of the poem. As the poem progresses, there is a lot of telling but very little showing.

Free from past transgressions,

betrayals,

sadness,

fear,

hatred,

and self-loathing.

The above part is where I find a lot of telling. Maybe the poem is written this way so that the reader can relate their own fear, hatred, self-loathing etc. However, a reader is always relates more to personal experiences that show detail. What is that thing that this protagonist hates? Why does she/he have self-loathing? What does he/she hates about himself/herself so much? These details can be a phrase, or it can just be one liner. In my opinion, these one liners will do so much more than just words that everyone knows.

Same thing with this part :

I want to leave my terrors behind

and become someone else

who isn't demonized by memories.

Memories that cut

and scar

and hold me down

It does a lot of telling, very little showing. What memories? What terrors? Why are the memories so bad that the protagonist is not moving on? Why can't the memories make him/her go? Is it because it's the memories of someone who died? Having some of these details will add greatly to the level of emotion to the poem.

I think that the 'I' character in this poem is strong. It is obvious what he/she is feeling. However, maybe more characters (small ones) can be introduced. Characters leading to the painful memories this protagonist has. This could be one way of adding details. Other mini characters will show more insight to the mind of the protagonist as well.

I feel that the words 'chain' and 'shackles' have been used many times to describe a person that is being held back. I find that this imagery can be developed further by using other ways to describe being chained or shackled. I also feel that this poem could do with more vocabulary pertaining to 'runaway train' things like the railway tracks. Or even the last part of the poem, something like saying that the protagonist comes close to boarding the train at the platform but is always held back by her/his suitcase cause it's too big to fit the train's door. This would be showing in a unique way the 'chains' that prevent the protagonist from 'flying' I think that strengthening the imagery will benefit this poem a lot.

I really loved the title. It is what pulled me to read the piece. Snowfall doesn't have sound, technically, practically. However, this piece does what poetry is supposed to do. It adds a sense to a piece that isn't there in reality. So in terms of creativity and impression, this poem, in my opinion, is extremely creative.

Another way to add to this creativity, could be to show the creativity on the page. Just by looking at the poem, a reader will not be able to guess that this poem is about snowfall without looking at the title. I think that if the form of this poem was in stanzas, and broken up into lines to look like something is fall downwards towards the bottom of the page, that would really look like snowfall. Poets use line breaks and stanzas to add deeper meaning (or double meaning) to their poems. I believe that this poem will be a lot stronger if it is reworked in terms of its form.

If there were stanzas present and line breaks, another thing that would probably go is the semicolons. Semicolons are usually used to show that two sentences are connected. If stanzas were present in this poem, semicolons would not really be needed thus, tightening up the language rules portion of the poem.

It’s a deaf person who has learned to speak by copying shapes with their mouths --> This is definitely my favourite line of the poem. It says so much with so little words. It beautifies a handicap which people sometimes make fun of. It gives a different perspective to the usual situation. It strikes the heart.

This poem really works the senses. You have sounds, sight and texture working really strongly together. I feel that taste can be strongly incorporated somewhere around this phrase : 'They speak in softened bites'. That way the reader has a total sensory experience while reading this poem and fall completely in love with snowfall even if he/she has never experienced it before.

I like how this poem managed to capture exploring a body while using metaphors that have to do with writing.This language used gives an inside to the writer/protagonist of the poem. It also shows that writing is important to him/her, probably as important as what he/she is doing to the body of his/her partner also. So very clever way of giving different meanings in a poem by your word choice.

This poem's organisation is flawless. It's starts and ends exactly where it should be. I love that all poems start with the word shiver. However, I was thinking, maybe the word shiver could be in italics? If the word is in italics, it would look like the word itself is shivering. That might be a cool effect for your poem on the page.

while i lick the small of your back

penning my name, this insatiable craving

These two lines are definitely my favourite out of the poem. Maybe because the writer in me just loves writing metaphors.

There is something that I am wondering regarding the last paragraph.

bitemarks and foundering stars. --> wouldn't these be the 'scars' that is mentioned in line 2 of this stanza? If that's the case, isn't 'scars' too vague a term? I feel that all the stanzas before this one, really gave clear examples of he/she exploring his/her partner's body. Yet, 'scars' and 'blood' seem like they are telling instead of showing. Maybe the last stanza would be stronger if it was showing like how the other stanzas are.

You are a very strong writer, mainly because you have really strong imagery in all of the poems that you have written so far. The imagery in your poems also transform into symbols for something greater.

For this poem, you did exactly those two things. You took an image - of the bodies of Pompeii's remains of tragedy and made it a symbol of ever-lasting love. So good job on that.

I think the form of this poem could be greatly improved. Even though the poem is relatively short, stanzas will help in the organisation of the poem. One idea for one stanza. This allows the reader to pause between ideas to think about the idea before reading on.

I saw the exhibition of Pompeii when it came to Singapore (where I am from). It was something really special. It was a detailed exhibition even though lots of things were lost. With that in mind, I am wondering what types of birds and plants were there. Maybe some research would help? Adding these details might add to the uniqueness of Pompeii. That way the poem is also helping to uncover the hidden parts of Pompeii that everyone has forgotten.

The ending of the poem:

we knew the world was ending

we could not stand

to separate our bodies

is written with such confidence and it seems like the protagonist is very sure of their love and the bond they share.Phrases such as 'I want' also adds to this confidence. Therefore to start of the poem with 'I hope' seems to diminish the poem's confidence a little bit. Rephrasing it to the example below might keep that confidence the poem has right from the start.

They will find us entwined

long after the birds have stopped flying

Also-

they find us entwined together - I don't think the poem needs the word 'together' here. Entwined already means together.

and marvel at how two people ever - I think that this line will work better if the word 'ever' was removed. The ending words of line breaks are important. The poem is about these two people, therefore ending this line with just two people has that impact and importance. Taking away 'ever' doesn't make this poem awkward.

I want them to pull us out

and marvel at how two people ever

became so close

and how even though

The word 'and' is mentioned twice in just a few lines. I think both ends can be removed so important words are more highlighted in the poem.

so something like:

I want them to pull us out,

marvel at how two people

became so close

even though

we knew the world was ending.

Sometimes just using a comma or other types of punctuation might allow the poet to use lesser words. The last line - to separate our bodies - instead of the word separate, would it be better to use untwist or another other word that is the opposite of entwine? That way the exact picture of how they are merged will be made known to the reader. A simple word can change the connection between the two people in the poem.

I really love what you have done with this poem. The title, I like this title better than the previous one. Each stanza shows insight into the protagonist that you are portraying. I can picture how others see her as well as how she sees herself. And you managed to add all these details while sticking to the 3x3 format! Well done! (Something not that easy to achieve!)

I think there are some minor punctuation things I managed to spot.

In her prom dress before him - In should be in? Cause it's part of the previous sentence.

You eloquence isn’t to be matched. - Is this supposed to be Your eloquence? if not then I think either You, eloquence, isn't to be matched or simply Eloquence isn't to be matched would sound nicer. Now it seems a little awkward. (try reading it aloud and maybe you'll understand why I think so)

From where you stand. - Is From supposed to be from?

Last lines of stanzas 7 and 8 both start with 'but'. I think that

But, I plead; step to the window , If the line is changed to

Stepping to the window, I plead -

The connection between both stanzas would flow really well. And stanza 8 would turn totally into the plead, thus the emotional outcome of the poem is heightened.

I think that the line before 'Mirrors lie' would sound better if you used the line in your first draft. So something like:

You are immaculate, alive,

beautiful from every perspective

expect yours.

(Changed abit of the punctuation)

Take note of your semicolons. Some places they are used well, but not all places. For example, I feel that if you ended your second last stanza with a full stop, the effect will be higher. Why? Cause the reader would think that the poem has ended. So when they see the last line the 'BAM' or 'WOW' effect they feel will be increased. (I say increased mainly because the WOW effect is already there!)