Letters I'll Never Send

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Remember when we talked about black snake moan? How I loved slj and you loved jt? We both agreed it was a good movie, and a fine example of jts acting chops. Well there was something else i wanted to say:

I get panic attacks sometimes.

Not that often, maybe only two in my life. But they are terrifying. I remember the first one I had, back in high school. I was feeling fine, then out of nowhere I started crying for no reason. With my tears my breathing started coming faster and faster til I was hyperventilating. Then I started losing feeling throughout my upper body. It started in my fingers, worked its way up my arms to my chest…if it makes any sense I could feel the lack of feeling gradually spreading. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening but I was really scared I was dying. I was on a trip with one of the teams at my high school, everyone was laughing at me because I was freaking out. My coach started yelling at me because he thought I was od’ing. Eventually they got me in an ambulance and took me to the hospital. I’m pretty sure that’s the only time in my life I’ve ever been checked into a hospital. When I go back to my hometown I still get made fun of because I was spazzing out so bad.

The next time I had one was a couple years ago. Unlike the first time I think I know what set me off that time…I was on ‘vacation’, but about to come back. I had just met you a few months before and I guess we were having our first big fight because you weren’t talking to me. I didn’t want to come back because I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I’m not blaming you for this incident, I’m just being honest. Anyways I knew what was happening this time because it started the same way, uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating, and loss of feeling. This time I also threw up like 8 or 9 times. I was with my dad, but he didn’t take me to the hospital or anything. He prayed for me for a couple minutes then left me alone in a dark room in our hotel suite. I remember screaming for hours at the top of my lungs for someone to help me but despite the fact almost my whole family was a room over, no one came in to help me. I think they just turned the volume up on the tv so they couldn’t hear me anymore. I eventually got through it, but I was really sick for like a week after that.

Anyways, I guess I’m bringing this up now because while I haven’t had an incident like that since, I feel the next one coming. I almost had one on Friday. My eyes started tearing up over nothing and the hyperventilating started up so I left work early cuz I didn’t want them to see me like that. I managed to calm myself down before it got too bad. But idk what will happen next time. Ik you don’t really know what’s going for me now but I HAVE to keep my shit together through this week. One of the most important events in my life is coming up and I have to be 100%.

I can’t talk to anyone about this. Everyone who’s ever seen me like that had either made fun of me or just pretended like it wasn’t happening. I just wish you could be there for me when I need you. I know if I could put my head in your lap, and you stroke my hair and tell me it’s gonna be ok that it would calm me down and get me through.