That Advice Your Friend Just Gave You? It's Bullsh*t

There's a scene in a very old episode of Sex and the City (back when the characters still broke the fourth wall) in which Carrie laments to the group her decision to be brutally forthcoming with a second-tier friend. As expected, the girls' reactions to her candor vary. "I just think in an intimate relationship," Charlotte offers, "you should be able to say anything." But Samantha, ever the wise owl, breaks it down like this: "I would highly disagree," she says. "Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion." The episode in question, "The Awful Truth," aired June 19, 1999. Over 15 years later, the constitution on honesty and female friendships is still as loosely drawn.

Giving and getting advice among females can be a hazardous pursuit. I'll never forget the time back in college when a friend of mine and I were recapping a booze-fueled night with my new boyfriend. Maggie (not her name) had hooked up with yet another one of Tony's (not his name) buddies. Her kill count was now at three. "Do you think they think I'm a slut?" she asked me casually while side-eyeing me from the couch. I'm pretty sure I was eating a Fudgsicle at the time so picture this: I took a considered lick, shrugged my shoulders, and—considering the 3:5 ratio—said, "Probably?" Her demeanor changed entirely. "Are you fucking kidding me?" she said. (Now picture the Fudgsicle slowly lowering from my face to my navel.) "Get out of my house."

Though we're still good friends to this day, this interaction still gets brought up, oh, once a year. And every time Maggie tells the tale, she does so with a curious mix of appreciation and can-you-believe-this-bitch indignation. Now, at age 30, I still have a hard time figuring out whether my friends want my full-fledged advice or simply want someone to listen to their problems. And, if it's the latter, is subverting your true opinion the hallmark of being a good (not to mention enduring) friend?

Curious about the unwritten bylaws of advice giving, I reached out to a wide swath of women in my life—age 18 to 37—to see how they govern their own interpersonal quandaries. Though the answers varied from person to person, one thing became abundantly clear: In the court of friendship, no one is telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Dan Roberts

"I think it's a very female thing—we don't want our friends to feel completely judged, so we temper our advice and our feedback," says Lucia*, 33, a fellow writer. "And it's also a sign of our times—everyone has so much on their plate and is so hyper-stressed that, as friends, we don't want to pile on each other's woes too harshly." Cathy*, a 37-year-old photo editor and entrepreneur, agrees that empathy can dilute a harsh response. "I think that, often times, women don't want to face the messy reactions of our friends when we tell them something they don't want to hear," she says. "Plus, we love our friends. And it's normal to help them feel better—even if we know it's the wrong advice."

When I think back on some of the most trying times in my personal life, I think about my friend Lizzie (real name) and how she handled me during a time of deep despair. Gently, and without judgment, she helped me choose out a six-pack before patiently letting me unload all of the demons I'd been harboring. And though I will never know what she really thought of my confession that day, she never once made me feel like a freak. And in that maelstrom of uncertainty I knew this much: I had a friend. Perhaps that reassurance trumps a thousand well-intended sermons. And maybe, in seeing the fear in my eyes, she realized exactly what I needed.

It seems the older we get, the more likely we are to table those kneejerk reactions. "When I was younger, my advice for others was often about what I would do if it were me in their situation," says Kyla*, a 31-year-old communications manager. "But in more recent years, I've learned to assess the person who is asking based on what I know of them. What is important to this person? What sort of things tend to make her happy or unhappy?" Says Blair, an 18-year-old college freshman, "There is a reason they say drunk words bring sober thoughts. But really, I think I only have two or three trusted friends who really give me the truth. The other ones usually tell me what I want to hear or join in on what the group majority says."

So what about the age-old sanctity of "girl code" or the storied "but I'd want to know" rationale? You might be the only one who still believes in it. "I did tell a friend once years ago that her boyfriend was cheating on her. She was mad at me and married him and our friendship never recovered," says Lucia. "I'd do it again, because it was the right thing to do, but I am mindful that unsolicited advice can take down a friendship." Cathy recalls a time her on-the-record distaste for a friend's husband poisoned the well. "It just became really strained and pretty awkward," she says of the relationship. "In the years that followed, she went on to have two more kids with him. We no longer talk."

Bottom line: that old coot Samantha was on to something. As ELLE.com contributor Glynnis MacNicol, who gamely rewatched six seasons of SATC to unearth its deeper truths, puts it: "Watching people make bad decisions about their life is frequently what being an adult is about."

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