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My husband added a random beautiful woman on Facebook 2 days ago. No big deal in the "faithful world" (or is it? Am I just use to him downplaying everything?). I asked him about her and I did it calmly. He was evasive at first but when I pushed for an honest answer he used the ol' "I want a divorce...I'm so miserable...I hate coming home to you" line. I simply explained before his outburst that he broke my trust when he cheated while I was pregnant (sending messages on craigslist personals without ever meeting up). He then starts yelling that he didn't cheat and I'm a "f*^cking psycho, retard and idiot" and that he doesn't have to put up with my crazy ass anymore. I know I should have been calm but I started sobbing and asked him if he really meant all those hurtful things. He looks me straight in my face and makes fun of my crying...then says "get out of my way". He says he wants a divorce...leave him alone...I'm worthless in the marriage...etc. All because I wanted to know who this woman is. He's leaving tomorrow anyway for 2.5 months of military training. This is his go to when we fight but he always goes back to telling me how much he loves me and how wonderful and perfect and pretty I am.

Please advise.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014

bravegirl19♀ 43539Member # 43539

Posted: 7:46 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

I'm so sorry that he is treating you this way. I am also dealing with recently finding out my husband is a cheater and is divorcing me. Please know that NOONE deserves to be spoken to, made fun of, and put down like that.

Sending you big hugs, I'm sure others with more experience and better insight will reply soon to help you cope and figure out how to move forward.

Me (BS) – 36
WS – 35
Dday – 5/25/14
Together since 2003, married 6 1/2 years
EA and PA with COW for at least 3 months WHILE I WAS PREGNANT (still don’t know the truth of the length of this affair or possibly others)
He doesn’t want to be married

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2014

allusions♀ 25376Member # 25376

Posted: 8:28 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

That kind of behavior is unacceptable. It is hurtful and abusive. He is being very manipulative by verbally attacking you when you are questioning his boundaries. Personally, I would find that kind of treatment unforgivable.

While he is gone would be the perfect time to be focusing on yourself and finding out what your future options are.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast

tfkeel♂ 19517Member # 19517

Posted: 8:32 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

Please advise.

Kick this sorry jackass to the curb and find yourself a decent man to love you and care for you.

Posts: 913 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania

cantgetup♀ 36146Member # 36146

Posted: 10:51 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

You are being abused. Get out and get help. He's unlikely to change.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012

bigskyblues♂ 36759Member # 36759

Posted: 4:19 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

You have gotten some good advice, this jackass is abusing you to get his own selfish way. The words he is using are not the words of a decent man who cares about his family, the are the words of an abusive manipulator. If he isn't willing to own up to the A and take total responsibility, then he isn't willing to work on himself, then nothing will ever change.

Mandolin you deserve better, your child deserves better!

BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!

Posts: 277 | Registered: Sep 2012

mandolin555♀ 42476Member # 42476

Posted: 5:08 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Thank you all so much for reading. I was weak last night and went downstairs after he begged me to leave him alone (all because I was calmly asking questions about his history of cheating in an attempt to feel safe in my relationship...as he is leaving and I'm nervous). He kept grabbing his head in frustration while I talked and told me at least 15 times that I was nagging him. He says he doesn't want to talk...but it's been 6 years of him never wanting to talk and me nagging if I do. I want to fix things and work our marriage out but he says the only thing wrong in it is me. I tell him I need to feel safe after the Craigslist thing...especially now that I know he doesn't see it as cheating...only a bad move. He calls that nagging and says he's tired of trying to fix my trust. When did he ever try? Giving me a fake apology when I catch him isn't trying right? He says it should be enough and that with the perfect woman for him he would never do the things he's done to me.

He always says these things and then days later will be back on the "I love you" kick. I'm getting sick on this roller coaster. Which is the truth?

Anyway, when I went down last night I tried to hug him and said I don't want to fight before he leaves. He just said "get off of me....if you don't leave me alone...I swear I'll leave tonight". So I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I hate rejection. I can't speak calmly to him because then he makes fun of my profession in mental health. (I work in it but can't apply it to my life. I've tried).

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014

NeverAgain2013♀ 38121Member # 38121

Posted: 6:33 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

He was evasive at first but when I pushed for an honest answer he used the ol' "I want a divorce...I'm so miserable...I hate coming home to you"

A man would only need to say these words to me ONCE.

Anyway, when I went down last night I tried to hug him and said I don't want to fight before he leaves. He just said "get off of me....if you don't leave me alone...I swear I'll leave tonight". So I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I hate rejection. I can't speak calmly to him because then he makes fun of my profession in mental health. (I work in it but can't apply it to my life. I've tried).

How sad that you actually tried to hug this abusive bastard.

Do yourself a huge favor and get some help, Mandolin. You truly need it. The more this guy kicks you and abuses you, the more you cry and beg him to love you. This is so unhealthy.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 2828 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

sparkysable♀ 3703Member # 3703

Posted: 7:25 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Please stop doing the "pick me" dance.

He is blameshifting. He's even trying to pick a fight with you so that he can say that you forced him to leave.

He is having an affair. People do not threaten divorce just because their spouse asks them "who is so-and-so?

Where there is smoke, there is fire, always.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
DD - 5 years old
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3922 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY

soulshattered♂ 43101Member # 43101

Posted: 8:20 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

What.A.Douchebag. Seems to me like you have 2.5 months to get your New and Improved life started and go NC with him while he's gone - Let him go and see what happens but don't take him back unless HE does the heavy lifting and unless you are 100% certain it's in Your Best Interest. Guys like him give the rest of us a bad rap

I think the problem is a failure to communicate effectively. Not abuse... Just a shitty way of handling confrontation. Is it hurtful and inappropriate? Yes. Childish as well. I guess it just comes back to...who cares? These details mean nothing. Am I willing to stay in a marriage where in order for my husband to be happy, I must never complain, converse or call him on his failings? Am I willing to let the "little things" go because I just know that's how he is?

Leaving is so hard. I admire women with strong boundaries and expectations who DARE their husbands to be anything other than admirable. I'm so weak.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014

TimeToGo2014♀ 43909Member # 43909

Posted: 10:01 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

So, you think he says those very hurtful things, uses your need for reassurance because of his past deceit, and totally rejects you, because he's a crappy communicator? It was tough to read about all if your attempts to reach out to him and basically grovel for a little attention and affection, only for him to flick you away...you deserve so much better Hun.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jun 2014

scaredyKat♀ 25560Member # 25560

Posted: 12:04 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Mandolin, it IS clearly abuse. You are in denial. We don't want to be harsh but he controls you with his anger. Of course you have the right to question him!

You can't live with this. SIX YEARS of him failing to communicate? My therapist told me something very profound when I was where you are, begging and doing the 'pick me' dance. She said 'listen to what he says - and believe him'. Stop making excuses for him. This is not a complicated situation but a very simple one. Take control and take your life back - and let him go.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK

crazynot♀ 24572Member # 24572

Posted: 12:10 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

You can't live with this. SIX YEARS of him failing to communicate? My therapist told me something very profound when I was where you are, begging and doing the 'pick me' dance. She said 'listen to what he says - and believe him'. Stop making excuses for him. This is not a complicated situation but a very simple one. Take control and take your life back - and let him go.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK

BlueBlueEyes♀ 43949Member # 43949

Posted: 12:41 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Honey I'm military too. Enlisted wife of 20 years and officer myself over 16. Let me tell you why he's doing this. Very gently here, ok? He wants to feel good about cheating with her while he's away from you. I see it time and time again and the first thing I tell all of my guys is that if I know, I will SEE to it their wives know! The best thing you can do it pack his stuff and tell him to get out. Don't cry and no emotion until he leaves. The only chance you have here is drawing a firm line and shock the shit out of him. Then part two is quickly get a life to keep yourself distracted. Go for walks, meditate, allow yourself to cry but limit that. Go do fun things, confide in another friend you can trust. Completely put him out if your head. If he does contact you be cool and state your rules for even considering R. Mine included complete honesty anytime I need. He doesn't get to make rules but can agree on a day and time when you can ask anything you need so he doesn't feel constantly attacked(even though he deserves it). He must feel remorse, which is very very different from regret he was caught. He needs to feel the need to hold you if you're upset. At this point he's playing a selfish game. And trust me these guys talk. They know about hidden email accounts, how to put the woman's name in his phone as a guys name, kik communication programs, snap chat. Worse yet, blame the wife. This is all do typical of their issues. Don't make these your fault or your responsibility to fix. Message me anything. As your military I assume you're also away from family. Maybe you move back to where you're from. No need to share any if this with anyone as you have the perfect excuse he's training. Once you get yourself to a good place, choose what you need to do for yourself. School? (((Hugs)))

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious

Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas

Lostly43953Member # 43953

Posted: 12:47 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

I am going to chime in with everyone else and say it is abusive behaviour. There is an excellent book on emotional abuse that really helped me. Its "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Nobody should have that said to them, let alone by their husband. (((hugs)))

Sorry mandolin, but I have to agree with the others. I wish I could see a bright spot, but I do not. He is angry with you seems to be his way of pushing his own guilt onto you. Your expressions of love for him make him angry - why? they make him guilty - why? he is having an affair.

Your descriptions of your conversations, to me, as an outsider, make him sound like a horrible vile human being, totally cut off from you and in his own world. I am sure there must be nice things about him or you wouldn't have fallen in love with him, but nothing excuses or condones his current behaviour to you.

Yes, and the next day is the I love you talk. Yes, I got that too, and I know how much your heart wants to believe it is true. And he may love you in his own way of what he calls love. My WBF said he loved me too while at the same time having an affair and saying he loved her too when he was with her.

But how is he treating you?

I think you need to do the 180 with this guy. For your sake. He does not deserve you, the way he is treating you. The 180 will help you, and may wake him up from his attitude of 'whatever I do or say to her, she will always come back running to me'.

I am sorry if I sound harsh. I just hate the sound of him, and I hate reading how much he is hurting you, willfully hurting you.

Prayers and hugs to you, mandolin. Do LOTS of REALLY NICE AND FUN things for yourself. You really need and deserve them right now.

me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 267 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK

hopefulmom44♀ 44136Member # 44136

Posted: 6:43 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Mandolin-reading your post reminds me of 'me' takin the exact emotional abuse and me dismissing it, thinking that he was a jerk, but he was a good dad. I made excuses for him, while waitin for him to mature. Never happenned. Be courageous & leave him.