Dealing with Your Emotions Over a Cheating Spouse

Dealing with your emotions shortly after you have discovered your spouse’s affair can and does usually overshadow everything else in your life.

According to marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Ginzberg, rather than focusing your energy outward in the early stages of healing from an affair, the best thing you can do is turn inward.

This means not hiding from your feelings and pretending they don’t exist. You actually need to move into your emotions, feel them for what they are, and learn new ways to process these painful parts of your life.

The first step to coping with your emotions is to find out what you are feeling. If you feel like you are caught in a flood of emotions that you sometimes have a hard time controlling, much less distinguishing what exactly you are feeling then you need to figure out what your feelings are before you can start to cope with them.

Dr. Ginzburg has distinguished 8 Heart Wrenching Emotions that most people face when they learn about an affair. We’ve listed a few of them below:

Betrayal

This emotion is so universal to injured people in affairs, that it almost seems like it isn’t worth mentioning. There is little question that you feel betrayed by your partner. You may even feel as though you will never be able to trust them again. But it is useful to consciously recognize your feelings of betrayal. Don’t run away from them or pretend they don’t exist. If you feel betrayed, feel it. There is no reasons to try and bury that feeling hoping it will go away. In fact, the only way you can learn to process it is to accept that the feeling is there in the first place.

Guilt

Many people feel guilty when they find out their partner has had an affair. They think there are things they might have done better in the relationship, and that if they had only done this their partner would never have gone outside the relationship. Bearing the burden of the affair is not your responsibility. It rests firmly on the cheater’s shoulders.

There are surely things you could have done better. We are all human and there is always room for improvement. But nothing you could have done makes it okay for your partner to have cheated on you. Think of it this way.

Imagine someone gave you some sacred, valued possession and asked you to hold on to it for them for a week. In that time you learn they have done something that offends you deeply. Do you have then have the right to trash their sacred possession because of something they did that hurt you?

The answer is clearly no. And the same is true of the cheater. You gave them something sacred your trust. Nothing you could have done gives them the right to betray that sacred trust.

Disappointment

When you have invested a great deal in another person and have spent years building a life with them, you have every right to feel disappointed when they act in a way that undoes much the work you have put into your relationship. Take a moment now and see if you feel disappointed.

Be completely honest with yourself. Is this an emotion you are struggling with?

To find out more about dealing with these emotions that happen because of an extramarital affair, cheating or infidelity, we invite you to sign up for a free email course by marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Gunzburg PhD who has specialized in helping couples heal their relationship from an affair since 1978.

“Restoring Trust After An Extramarital Affair or Infidelity Might Sound Like An Empty Promise Or Too Good To Be True, But It Is Possible.” – Dr. Frank Gunzburg

“Join My Free Email Course And Discover The Steps You Need To Take If You Want to Rebuild The Trust Back Into Your Relationship.”

My 7-step FREE email course, will get you started on the right track. Inside this special email series I will take you through all the major issues I cover in my complete step-by-step affair-healing system. Over the next 7 days you will discover:

Part 1: How to start the healing process after an affair

Part 2: How to cope with initial trauma of the affair

Part 3: How to take control of your emotions and stay sane

Part 4: How to get the images out of your mind

Part 5: How to talk about the details of the affair

Part 6: Why the affair happened and how to prevent it from happening again

Part 7: Steps for restoring the trust back into the relationship

Simply add your name and email below and press the button that say’s “Instant Access”. After that happens in 30 seconds we will email you part 1.

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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want.

Comments

I feel so betrayed that my wife had an affair With my “best friend” really sickens me. this happened last year and they both tried to hide it.While we are still married,I am struggling with trust and honesty with her.I feel she hasnt told me the truth for fear of totally losing our marriage in my opinion.HELP, ANY IDEAS ?

neal: Thank you for posting your question. It’s decision time for you. Are you willing to work with her and give her a second chance? Review the facts that you know. It sounds like you have proof of the affair– do you have proof that the affair has ended? If you’re going to stay in your marriage, you’re going to need to rebuild trust with your wife. You two can work together to create agreements so that she can begin to prove to that she is trustable again. Once these agreements are made, be on the lookout for signs that she is keeping her promises and proving that you can trust her again.

My husband and I have been together for 29 years. He has always told lies, but none were big ones. I found out on October 1st, 2012 that he was having affair with a married person. She was been married for 32 years and she just told her husband. He was been stolen money out of my personal account for his Gambling habit that started 16 months ago, my has been hiding mail and a bunch of other things. He lost his job in February and by March 1st he had another job 2 hours away. March 22nd he met her in a meeting (outside party) and the group went out for lunch, he said he really didn’t notice her and again the next week but this time everyone backed out and it was just them. Now he kissed her on the lips and it goes on and on from there. He told me he just wanted to see if he could. He also told me in July he started to have strong feeling for her. Now that I have told him that I would like to try and work it out if we can, he now doesn’t know if he can. He said he is “In love” with her and that he loves me but isn’t “In Love” with me. He felt something he has never felt before with her and he can’t stop thinking about her. So now I wait day by day, waiting to find out if he wants to try and make us work. This is making me crazy. I still love him, and sex is sex. But how could he forget about us, he never had a fight a couple of disagreement. I am so lost I can’t eat or sleep.

Debbie Z: Thank you for your post and we’re sorry to hear that you’re in such emotional pain. From what you write, it sounds like your husband has not made you a promise to end his affair and try to rebuild your marriage. It also sounds like he has a history of breaking his promises to you and betraying you (stealing your personal money in addition to the affair).

As painful and difficult as it is, we urge you to ask yourself this question: “Is it wise for me to stay in this marriage?” Please remember that this question is different than whether or not you still love him. Answering this question honestly for yourself can help you know what’s best for you to do next. If you do stay in the marriage with him, know that you can set some boundaries with him about the affair and you can make sure you are keeping yourself healthy by using protection if you are sexually intimate with him.