Aha! It's not about size, it's about health

We are inspired by stories about weight loss. But what about people who struggle to gain weight?

Deanna Howard - seen at left, at 95 lbs, and at right, at a more healthy weight - struggled to overcome anorexia and bring her body back to a healthy weight.

Photograph by: Handout photos

I love a good aha! moment - when you have a sudden realization or insight.

That's exactly what happened to me recently, when I received an email from Deanna Howard after she read my last column about a woman who had undergone gastric sleeve surgery in order to lose weight.

Howard wrote: "I find it interesting that everyone is always sharing these inspiring stories about people's journeys to weight loss. But what about those of us who have had a struggle and journey to gain weight? "I was anorexic (at the age of 40) for three years, and at my lowest weight I weighed 95 pounds (I am 5-foot-9). With a lot of hard work and support I was able to gain weight again and manage a healthier body, but I still struggle to this day."

Aha. It can be as difficult for people struggling with anorexia or bulimia to gain weight and achieve wellness as much as it for those of us trying to lose weight.

We applaud people who have shed pounds to get healthier, so it's only fair to applaud those who gained weight for the same reason. That's what this column is all about. Shaping Up can be about the body and the mind.

In an interview, Howard said eating disorders probably make people feel uncomfortable. "It's not looked at in the same way at all."

Howard, born and raised in the West Island, said she never had food issues. She was "the tomboy athlete" who loved sports and was healthy in every way.

That all changed after a traumatic event in 2006.

"I started to exercise compulsively," the articulate mother of three boys told me. "I wouldn't eat, and when I did, I wrote it all down precisely in a food journal." Not to create suspicion at family gatherings, she would often overeat and then be consumed with guilt. "That's the cycle of binging and purging; It's a tremendously vicious cycle."

It still amazes her that, when she was at 95 pounds, people told her how good she looked.

"I look back at photos and think I didn't look good at all, but that's society."

She even remembers shopping for clothes and walking out with Size 00 jeans and thinking: "'What the hell does that mean? Zero represents nothing. ... How can I fit into nothing?' "Why is it that women have this sizing system (00-14), whereas men's sizing is so different? Is it because the idea of a man wearing a Size 2 would make him feel less than a man? Why is it then that we as women strive for the lowest number?" Howard began to experience classic signs of anorexia - missed menstrual cycles, brittle hair, erratic heartbeat - and ended up in the hospital emergency department on more than one occasion.

"It was frightening, to say the least."

Family and friends attributed her weight loss to her recent divorce "and stress." "It's one of those things, it's there, but people aren't sure how to deal with it."

Howard said people would tell her "to just eat food," she told me. "But that's the same as telling an overweight person to just stop eating; it doesn't work that way.

"I started to work with a psychologist and it was the best thing that could have happened."

In retrospect, Howard said, she sees it was all about control.

"My life was out of control at that time," she explained. "Food was the one thing I could control."

With time and help from her psychologist, Howard began to get her health - and her life - in order.

"For the first time, I felt seen, understood by someone who made me feel like I mattered, that I had an opinion, that I could be heard."

She tried to attend self-help groups, but they weren't for her. "Most of the groups were for young teenage girls, I was always the oldest, a mother, and it wasn't the right fit for me."

These days, Howard is in a good place.

She's healthy and busy raising her three boys ages 13, 12 and 9.

Just as keeping weight off is a challenge for people who have lost pounds, for Howard it's keeping it on.

"It's not as much of a battle as it was," she said, but she still won't get on a scale.

"If I see the numbers going up, I kind of panic and the mind spins and I start to crave the 'thinner side' - better for me I just don't step on a scale."

Women are our own worst critics, she said. "We criticize ourselves and other women, when instead we should celebrate and encourage one another."

And we all take our own paths to wellness.

"Don't be afraid to ask for help, we don't know everything and asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength."

Howard said she feels very differently about her body now.

"When I look in the mirror, I don't always like the way I look (when do we women ever really LOVE the way we look), but I like the person I see inside," she said.

"I am proud of myself. ... The measure of the person I am now isn't based on the size I wear but on the woman, the mother, the sister, the daughter and the friend that I am."

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