Arcadian Interludes: Ax 'Em:

Welcome to the Arcadian Interludes, where I focus on the bad stuff and mock it. I've done that before with Beauty and Warrior, so let's focus on another film—one that I also created a page for.

What's the movie? The 2002 film Ax 'Em, made in 1992 and wasn't distributed until ten years later. Oh, and its original title was The Weekend it Lives, which is a somewhat much better title, but we'll get to that in the review.

Made by Michael Mfume, this movie is proof that just because the director/writer/producer/actor's dad was an important public figure—that of Kweisi Mfume, former head of NAACP and a Congressman, it doesn't give him the excuse to basically...not know what to do with making a movie. There are loads of plot holes, technical errors, bloopers that are basically in the movie (think Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, only more poorly-made), and characters mumbling through their lines that, well, shows that he would have needed professional help.

It should be noted that this film has been reviewed several times in the past. I-Mockery, Something Awful, and The Cinema Snob all covered it. This is one of those times where the review happens as I watch it.

And this movie had one bright spot aside from the possible hilarity of it all: during the first viewing, I caught a Shiny Caterpie. But I digress.

The movie starts off with this title card. See if you can spot the errors and typos.

On a cold winter night, in 1990,

Mr. Mason, a mean and cruel

Towns man, left his job for Home.

After arriving home,

He took a shotgun

And killed his wife and

Kids. Then is mean man

Killed himself.

When the police arrived they only

Found the bodies of his wife,

Daughter and younger son.

His mentally Ill son Harry

Was not ever found.

Legend has it, he will return

In 13 years to revenge his family deaths.

Time's up! Did you see all the typos? If so, congratulations, you get a cookie. And yes, I didn't make all of it up. That's how it is freaking shown.

And Uwe Boll got some slack for hisOpening Scroll. While short—albeit mercilessly short, this thing has too many spelling errors and grammatical problems that it would make a Grammar Nazi scream obscenities.

At least the music that was played at the intro was decent.

We cut to our main characters, and...let's be completely frank, you can barely hear a word they're saying. The quickest way you can tell that it's set in The Nineties, aside from the type of filming? One of the characters is wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt. Really. It's a blink-and-you-miss-it thing, though.

So what are the characters talking about? Maybe they're talking about current (at the time) events. Maybe they're talking about a test. Maybe they're trying to summon an Eldritch Abomination. Who knows, because the sound's so freaking poor. You'd almost expect a boom mike to appear out of nowhere.

Oh, they're talking about a party? However could I have known? No, seriously. And we see more of the main characters, incomprehensibly talking about that party. Though what I said earlier isn't much of a stretch.

And before it slowly fades, we finally hear some dialogue. One of the guys says that he has the whipped cream and strawberries. I hope to God that no one pulls an Ali Larter and do so some sort of whipped-cream bikini thing.

We fade out to a house from the middle of nowhere. Oh, goody, we get a slanted shot! This isn't Battlefield Earth, guys. Then it goes into some bad acid trip, and we see our main killer, Harry. Is he planning to "revenge his family deaths"?

Actually, there is a humongous-sized plot hole. To sum it all up...why is there a need to avenge revenge his family's deaths if the dad killed himself?

So Harry gets out his hatchet/ax, ready to kill. By the way? This is the only time you get to see said ax. Which begs the question as to why it's called Ax 'Em in the first place. The Weekend it Lives, while a bit ambiguous, would be a much better title because you don't get any false advertising!

I guess "Ax 'em" is a new term for "let's kill someone!". Still, hardly anyone, if at all, uses it, generally.

But who am I kidding? Let's continue.

Harry opens up the door, which makes the unlucky victim, whoever he/she may be, rather...not that savvy. Doors are locked for a reason. And we see our first victim, an old man who, like the other characters, mumble. What is he talking about? Kids and their damn rap music? How he had to travel (X) amount of miles?

It makes me wish for subtitles, for whatever reason.

We actually do hear, after a bit, "Who the hell is that?!", and he goes right back to mumbling. He does close the door, but too little, too late. As he goes into another room, the killer sneaks up behind him, ax at the ready. More mumbling from the old man as he tries to get something, and as the killer appears and slowly brings the ax down, the man's final words are, "Ah, shit."

We fade into...the hell? A dancing competition? The subtitles say that this is the Morgan State University Step Show. Yep, the dancing competition happens when we see the opening credits. As well as a non-original title logo for our movie. Talk about cheap.

By the way, you do not want to know what she did. It's nothing horrendous, but...it's still pretty bad. Take my word for it and use your imagination.

At least she went back to dancing until she had no idea what she could do next. Or why this footage is even there. (Answer: padding.)

So after the dancing competition/step show...we get a "Your Mom" contest. Lovely, more padding. And we get a mention of some sort of party with a DJ with the oddest name ever appearing. By the way, this isn't the same party the main characters were talking about.

Anyway, we get such lovely gems as "Your momma's so stupid, she studied all night for a blood test", "Your momma's so fat that everytime she turns around, she gets lost," stuff like that. Oh, and the host calls someone "Hammer". You know, likeMC Hammer.

This whole thing takes up the majority of the opening, both the dances and the "Snaps/Your Momma" contest. They do not bear any meaning to the plot, if there's any. And it's never mentioned again. So what are they?

Anyway, after that exercise in patience and torture, we cut back to our main group. They're still talking about their party, and...wait, why the hell is the clapboard guy in the shot? Hello? Someone try to tell him to get out of the shot? Okay, then.

And that's the end of Part 1. What will Harry do? Will our heroes get to the party? And will the rap music in this film stop sucking?

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