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Dear Carolyn: My mother is a crazy cat lady. She has been doing better in recent years — down to 15 cats instead of 40 or 50, motivated by the arrival of her first grandchild, my son.

We live on opposite sides of the country, and it was too hard to travel when she had so many cats. I go home about twice a year and stay elsewhere because of the odor in my parents’ house — certainly not ideal, but we adjust.

I took the baby for a visit when he was 8 weeks old and hardly saw my mom. She was busy “working” (unpaid) for her vet. I was hurt and angry but mostly ignored it and let her do her thing.

Today, I called and heard a lot of kittens crying in the background. We’ve had numerous conversations about not having bottle-fed kittens when I visit. They have to eat every two hours, and we would never see my mom. I mentioned that, and she got snarky and said something about my having to bottle-feed my child.

If she does have the kittens while I’m in town or chooses to work instead of spending time with us, what do I say? If she sees us every day, how do I express my gratitude without sounding critical, as in “It’s so nice you finally put us first”? I’ve suggested counseling countless times through the years, to no avail.

I’m aware of the problem of having too many pets, and 40-plus cats is extreme. But your mom voluntarily reduced the herd, suggesting that your “crazy” label isn’t just insensitive but also unfair.

If she takes good care of her animals, then treat these cats as you would anyone’s life purpose — asking yourself whether you’d be so dismissive if she were doggedly tending specimens in a lab or volunteering with needy kids.

You have a legitimate set of hurt feelings about your mom blowing off you and her grandson.

That is where your focus belongs — not on your disdain for the reason. That’s especially true because your overall goal is so important: to build a sense of family for your child.

Please start by recognizing that it’s not productive to force family togetherness or dictate how your mom lives her day-to-day life — which is essentially what you’ve done in those “numerous” no-bottle-fed-cats conversations. If you think about it in a detached advice-column way, it makes no sense for her to rearrange all 365 days of the year just for your, say, 10 visiting days.

Next, make “feelings, not felines” your guiding principle. Replace scolding your mom with praising her and clarifying your stance. Maybe: “I’ve been tough on you about the cats, but, really, what you do for them is wonderful. I’m just upset that we see you so little.”

Respecting her will bring you closer than de-catting her.

And, where before you’ve pushed her to change, try accommodating her: “What can I do to help you see more of us?”

If she blows you off again: “Mom, I’m getting the message that Son and I aren’t a priority for you. Please tell me whether I’m mistaken.”

And if she does make time for you? “Thanks, Mom. This has been great.”