Recently leaked documents reveal a top-secret operations control centre, known as the Deep Impact Group or DIG, housed in a non-descript room within WASA’s offices. Peeling paint on the outer walls is mere diversion. This Centre is outfitted with the most sophisticated GIS and communication technology of any state agency, appearing almost like Tom Cruise’s intel capacity in the film, Minority Report.

Its entire purpose is to instantly direct WASA workers, those mysterious blue-uniformed men with digging equipment, to any recently paved road. Revelation of this wholly underground, yet well-funded strategic base, will no doubt provide answers to many questions long asked by citizens, such as: How come WASA waits until a road is finally paved to dig it up? Is there is some conspiracy within the state to unnecessarily create potholes to oppress school children with twice-daily traffic, and ruin car shocks and bushings? Fishily, is the Bamboo the unexpected headquarters for a used car parts mafia controlling the government?

Picture interactive screen technology in an array of blinking glass billboards throughout the room. Phones ring constantly, the screens ping wherever arch-nemeses such as private contractors hired by the Ministry of Transport appear with their subversive illegal gravel and unsustainable use of Pitch Lake asphalt.

One Minister or another is inevitably shouting down secure phone lines, for roads left properly paved will no longer need to be pointlessly resurfaced in six months. And, what would there be to boast about when one can build only so many overpasses and roundabouts? The situation would be untenable, possibly leading to a palace coup by party once-faithful. The pressure in the enclosed office is palpable, frenzied by the constant pinging indicating that, surely, nowhere in the country is truly safe.

With each call, a WASA secret agent dashes to Google Map the exact section of highway or rural trace which has somehow escaped their oversight and is being paved by enthusiastic fellas on overtime, entirely unaware of their sabotaging of DIG’s national mission. The harried strategist in charge rushes from screen to screen, yelling commands and rapidly diverting limited men and trucks to avert the disaster of possible paving that successfully covers over cracks and craters, leading to a heady but dangerous sense of contentment, comfort and first-world status among drivers. It’s almost too much to imagine the risk.

Papers are strewn everywhere for there is hardly enough time to get permissions and signatures. This leads to diabolically unaccountable levels of spending as oversight cannot keep up with the pace of such disaster management. The problem is so large, both political parties have secretly agreed that DIG will never be made known nor report to a Joint Select Committee, and you will find that it has never been mentioned in any Auditor-General’s report. Check for yourself as far as records go. Uncanny absence corroborates this truth.

As personnel are rapidly diverted to new locations, and with drone-directed precision, alternatively left, then centre, then right sides of freshly-smoothed roads are efficiently gutted, there is hardly a moment to sleep. Election seasons inevitably result in one or more supervisors’ death by exhaustion.

Carlos John was particularly responsible for discomforting numbers of collapsing Ops Control directors, not to mention those who crumpled to their feet upon receiving orders to pave the Savannah’s precious green space. Now you understand the de-sensitization, MI5-style programming received by the driver who robotically poured gravel on a heroic Eden Shand, injuring him forever. It suddenly makes sense, right?

Crisis after crisis is averted as rumfled, frustrated staff track the trucks on the screens, in real-time, as they dreevay to a parlour, then a doubles man, and then to the emergency site. They hold their breath until the first split of pitch. Yet, their work is never done for the electronic map unendingly lights up seemingly everywhere in turn, pinging all the while.

A WASA insider, disgruntled because of recession cutbacks to this secret service, emailed photos, phone records and an audio memo of the pinging to me. I will not reveal my source, but it is clear that this story explains a reality long denied, but apparent to all with eyes to see and anywhere to reach in a hurry.