It’s Not Beard Baubles Hipsters Need This Christmas, It’s A Razor!

In case you didn’t know, beard baubles are being billed as the must have Christmas accessory for furry faced fiends, also known as hipsters, to make themselves look like a festive fashion victim this December.

What are beard baubles? Well basically they’re facial hair ornaments that can turn the wearer into a Christmas tree. The only problem is, whereas most decent, self-respecting Christmas trees will stand quietly in the corner and glow pleasantly, the sort of bearded buffoon who thinks wearing beard baubles is cool will not. Beard baubles are being marketed to the hipster crowd, and that my friend, should tell you all you need to know.

Billed as the festive trend that will grow on you, beard baubles are according to the Telegraph, apparently for the man who has everything, including thick, luscious facial hair.

Now once upon a time, a bearded man was a stigmatised man. The bearded “barbarian” was regarded at worst as a deviant with some sinister secret to hide from the world, and at best the man with a beard was considered an oath of ill discipline and slovenly ways. A man with a beard would suggest to all right thinking citizens, that here was a creature, (more than likely nocturnal and prone to self-abuse) with all the hygiene habits of a particularly vile gutter rat and the moral fibre of a stoat. The bearded ones were generally shunned by the enlightened ones who had long realised the diabolical dangers inherent in unsightly facial hair.

In the more refined and restrained days of yore, beards were not cultivated as they are now, but were more something which happened to a man when his guard was down. A man for who the everyday demands and rigours of everyday life had become a little too much would often grow a beard. Such a tragic figure would also take to wearing a bright and shiny tracksuit complemented by gravy and beer-stained vest, as if to announce to the world, “Yes my existence has become a little frayed at the edges, I have let myself go and now live in a terrible twilight world created by my own fantastical mind.” In other words the beard had come to symbolize a cry for help from someone teetering on the brink of the abyss.

Think Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV. His best buddy, Apollo Creed, gets beaten to death by a Russian monster in a boxing match, and what’s the first thing Rocky does. He runs away to a log cabin and grows a big beard. Yet when he’s finally ready to get into the ring and face Ivan Drago, it’s a clean-shaven Italian Stallion that defeats the Russian superhuman and not a bearded brute from the backwaters.

Of course during the last decade, beards have been reclaimed, and in some eyes, redeemed by the hordes of short trousered, novelty sweater wearing, Clark Kent spec sporting hipsters who have broken the mold of conformity and remade it in their own cast-iron image.

Pledging a solemn allegiance and life-long dedication to conformity in the name of anti-conformity, hipsters just love a farmhand’s collarless shirt, cropped jackets, artful waistcoats, drinking coffee and consuming, but above all they love well groomed and meticulously maintained beards.

And no doubt many of these hip young things just can’t wait to complement their fashionably ugly Christmas sweaters and decorate their facial hair with beard baubles, billed as the hot new holiday accessory for men.

It’s worth mentioning that all profits from the sale of beard baubles will go to Beard Season, which encourages men to promote Melanoma awareness by wearing a beard, and as nice as that sounds, according to the Guardian, studies from Australia have shown that the bearded and moustached should not think their chins are safe from harmful ultraviolet rays.

So instead of beard baubles why not buy the hipster in your life a razor this Christmas and donate the money you would have spent on beard baubles to a charity of your choice. That way, you’re helping the bearded person in your life to start the new year clean-shaven and with a clean slate.

These bearded ones are not beyond all hope, with our help they can, and will cut it in every sense of the word. So come on people dig deep and splash the cash. You know in your heart of hearts it’s the right thing to do.