Saturday, May 21, 2011

Wow! It's been a year since we found out that IVF would be the only way to have a child of our own. Due to some things that have happened and reading back on posts from this time last year, I've been reflecting on DH and I's marriage then vs. now.

MARRIAGE THEN-It was horrible, it was awful, it was not good. We had just been dumped on, our world shattered, everything seemed impossible. Yes, DH and I had dealt with "hard" stuff before like illness, divorce, ending of relationships and death of a family and friends but this was the first time something "hard" affected us directly. It was the first time WE experienced something REALLY hard together. When we found out, we were on totally OPPOSITE pages. He was okay with not having kids, I was not. I thought IVF was too expensive, he did not. I researched, read and reached out to find as much info as I could, he did not and did not want to believe my findings. I was a bad wife. I pulled away from him, I thought I could do this on my own. I resented him, not for the diagnosis, but for his actions and feelings.

MARRIAGE NOW-Our marriage is 100% in a better place now than it was then. Is our marriage 100%? Absolutely not and anyone who says that their marriage is...well in my opinion they're lying because no relationship is 100% perfect. DH and I got on the same page, we endured our first IVF that resulted in a BFN and we survived! I know now that there's no way in the world I could have done that on my own. We've budgeted our finances to be sure we can afford fertility treatments but still live a life we want. We've worked on our communication skills but they still have a long way to go...baby steps though. I feel the tension is gone in our house, we laugh easier and love more. Don't get me wrong, we still have our knock-down, dragout fights over laundry that hasn't been put away for two weeks but hey, that's marriage, right?

I told DH about my reflections and I wanted to apologize because I knew I wasn't a good wife. He held up his hand and said, "I know I was a dick too." LOL-that's my husband! I feel like both of us acknowleding our own actions and liking where our marriage is now is a huge step for us. It's amazing what time, love and a little PIO in the ass can do for a marriage! :)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Wow! This book has LOTS of drama and I mean A LOT! Let me give you a brief synopsis in my own words, A couple struggles with infertility and 5 failed IVFs only to end up getting divorced. The husband, Max, becomes super religious while the wife, Zoe, becomes a lesbian. Zoe and her partner want the frozen embryos but Max doesn't want a gay couple to have them. The rest of the book is the trial and lots of political stuff: religion vs gay rights.

Seriously, every page has a new twist or turn to it. The main reason I wanted to read this book was obviously because it dealt with infertility and IVF. I loved the first part of the book where she talked about how IVF works and the feelings that went along with it. I started reading the book the night I took DH to the hospital and almost every other page, I would cry out, "OMG! That's exactly how I feel!" or "That is so me....or so you." And it was great for me to get a male perspective, it really made me think of things that I know DH wouldn't ever say but I could see how he could feel it.

I really enjoyed the beginning as I said but then it got way too political for me, and maybe even a little off the wall too. I'm religious and believe in God but the stuff in this book was a little extreme and I also thought a few things were beyond far-fetched, but it's fiction so it's allowed to be, right? No matter my views on God or gay rights, I will say that this book made you "feel." I would get my hopes up at certain points, get disgusted at others and when they discussed the frozen embryos and how they might not make it to pregnancy, my stomach would drop and make me think of my 3 little totsicles.

Now this is just me, and being an IFer finding parts of the story that I find far-fetched:

*Max wants to give the embryos to his brother and sister-in-law, Liddy (what is Liddy short for?). The SIL has had many miscarriages and the brother has the same genetic disorder that Max has. So what's to say that the SIL will be able to carry the babies vs Zoe's partner, who hasn't had any fertility issues?*SPOILER!!! Someone gets pregnant with the frozen embryos and the book doesn't say how long after the trial they do the transfer BUT hello-isn't the first rule of IF, don't be stressed??? After the trial that was put on, I WAS stressed so I'm sure they were.

It was good to read a book that I could relate to although it did get a little off the wall in my opinion. I hope that DH and I don't turn out like the book (divorced and one of us turning gay). This book has taught me to make sure DH and I are on the same page with what we want to do with our totsicles and hopefully, we'll be loving them in our arms before too long.

Similiarities outside of IVF to the book and me:*Max is a landscaper and so is DH.*Liddy made a Happy Birthday Jessus cake for Christmas. I've sworn if we ever have kids, I want to start this tradition.*Zoe's mom talks about a water theory and the use of positive vs negative language. I had never heard of it until March when it was discussed at a conference and then it shows up in this book.

Quotes from the book that I related to:

Zoep.10 "I always found it ironic that someone who has trouble getting pregnant begins in vitro by taking birth control pills."p. 12 "And to think, some people who want to have a baby only need to make love."p. 12 "There were years I was so superstitious I counted backward from 20 before getting out of bed, or wore the same lucky camisole for a week in an effort to ensure that particular embryo would be the one that actually stuck."p.13-14 "But my friendships have dwindled as Max and I began to devote ourselves entirely to combating infertility. Some relationships I'd ended because I didn't want to hear a friend talk about her baby's first words, or go to a couple's home for dinner and be confronted with sippy cups...since the only person who really could understand the cyclone of emotions involved in IVF was Max...We'd isolated ourselves, because it hurt less."

Maxp.49 "I wanted a baby, too...but for a reason much more simple than that (dreaming of fatherhood). Because it's what Zoe wanted."p. 49-50 "...the touchy-feeling part of IVF and the poking and the prodding isn't something that comes naturally to me."p. 50 "Maybe it was the first time, or the fifth, or the fiftieth that Zoe counted out the days of her menstrual cycle and crawled into bed and said, "Now!" Our sex life had become like Thanksgiving dinner with a dysfunctional family-something you have to show up for; even though you're not really having a good time."p. 51 "A lot of people talk about what women go through, when they can't have a baby. But no one ever asks about the guys. Well, let me tell you-we feel like losers. We can't somehow do what other men manage to do without even trying...what other men take precautions to not do...This may be the twenty-first century, but being a real man is tied to being able to procreate."

Liddyp. 298-299 "Did you ever want something so bad you think that hoping is going to jinx it?" OMG! AMEN!!! Funny I didn't think I'd be able to relate to Liddy but I really did, she may have been my favorite in the book because she was the even-headed one throughout the whole book.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Today I had my first acupunture session! It was...interesting. I went to Dr. Heather and we first just discussed our journey and then did a quick scan of my spine. All looked well so we headed into the acupunture room. She told me to lay down so I did and I was a bit surprised that the top half was like a water bed with warm water-very nice and relaxing. Then I had to roll my pants up to my knees.

Dr. Heather said, "You know sometimes you see people with acupunture and needles everywhere? Well, I believe in the less is more so I'll use about 10-12." Whew! However, the first one she put in-HURT! In her defense, it was a knee that I've had surgery on and the majority of the side is numb because all the others felt fine. She put one on my ankle, my outer knee, between my thumb and forefinger, my wrist and my forearm then I laid there for 15 minutes to relax.

I have to admit, I'm not the best patient or the best at relaxing. I tried my best repeating to myself, "Think nothing, think nothing" and it worked for awhile then my mind would drift off to dinner or what errands I needed to run. I felt a little bit more relaxed and I felt the tension behind my knees go away.

Our plan for now is once a month then one a week the cycle before and of the FET. OH! My insurance doesn't cover it but it's only $25/visit which is only $5 more than my normal co-pay so I thought that was pretty good. Hopefully with practice, I'll be a better patient!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Today is Mother's Day. Today I had to work. At first I was upset because no one would switch me and we had to cut our trip short but now I'm very thankful. It was a nice, slow day and Mother's Day wasn't thrown in my face. I got on Facebook for about 2 seconds before I left for work and every single status was about Mother's Day or their children or something along those lines. I headed to work and had a lot to catch up on and when I left I had a new voicemail.

It was a wrong number but I think the message was left for me. It was a male and he said, "Georgina, I know today's a bad day for you but I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Mother's Day."

I got the message about 2 hours ago and have been thinking about it ever since. Why is this a bad day for Georgina? Had she lost a loved one? Was it her birthday (some people don't like their birthdays!)? Did she have that desire to be a mother but never the opportunity?

Maybe this is a sign that I'll be wished Happy Mother's Day for real in the future? Maybe it was a reminder to let me know I wasn't alone in this struggle to become a mom? Who knows but I'm grateful for the message. Aside from the mystery man, I was also wished Happy Mother's Day by a co-worker for being a mother of furbabies and by my awesome college roommate, Joanna, who is the proud momma of three handsome boys and a true inspiration and support for me during my journey.

So, Georgina, I'm sorry today is a sucky day for you but know that you're not alone and I hope you had a fabulous Mother's Day however you celebrated. And to all my bloggie friends, both mothers and nons, I wish you a Happy Mother's Day because even though you may not have a child of your own to hold, we're all mothers in our hearts.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

And I don't mean Egg Retrieval! Thursday, DH comes home complaining that his back hurt, by 10pm, he was doubled over and couldn't move. Due to an extensive history with his kidneys, we headed to the ER. Turns out DH had a kidney infection and 2 stones in his bladder. The RN told us, that stones are more painful than pregnancy.

After that, we had to wait and I began to think about the hospital and pregnancy. How I'd be laying in the bed while DH was in the uncomfortable chair trying to read, stay awake, fall asleep and help take care of me. Then I began to think about how much pain DH was in and how much the pain would be for a pregancy. It's the weird little things that trigger thoughts like this.

After 3 hours at the first ER, they transferred us to another one downtown in scary Ghettoville. I won't lie, I was a bit scared for my life. The room we were in had sliding glass doors and I was just praying that they were bulletproof.

Anyways 7 hours later and a discharge at 6am, we finally headed home. We took a quick catnap and my wonderful DH got up and drove 5 hours with me to watch me in my half-marathon. As if I didn't know it already, he's so awesome! He's feeling 100x better and that makes me feel 100x better. It sucks to see someone you love in so much pain and not able to do anything about it.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I called today and scheduled our FET for this fall...and I was sick to my stomach for about an hour afterwards. When we started IVF, I was so excited! We were FINALLY TTC, we were doing something, I was in the process of making our dream come true. Now while we got a BFN, we also got 3 totsicles and not everyone can say that.

Right now we have 3 threads of hope that we're holding on to, three tots waiting for me and after the FET, we'll either have them in the oven or nothing at all. So yes, I'm super excited about doing the FET (and not having nearly as many injections) but I'm also scared. As I explained it to a friend today, IVF went *fairly* smooth for us, it wasn't a bad experience...until we got the phone call about the BFN and then it was HORRIBLE. I was lost, confused, upset, pissed, torn...it was the most awful day ever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm so afraid I'm going to have another one of those days this fall.

I wrote down all the tentative dates and then I barely whispered in the phone, now what day do you think will be the beta? As I just said the b-word, my stomach dropped and I jotted down what she told me. So now I know when B-Day is...b for beta, b for bad, b for babies-AGH!

For now, I'm just focusing on my running and my busy season at work and then I'll start thinking about the FET. I pray for our totsicles every night and now I'll pray for B-Day to be for babies!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

As I stated in my post on Friday, one of the things I did to honor NIAW was post a fact each day on my non-IF blog about infertility. Yesterday, in conclusion of the week, I posted the following to sum it up. I thought you all might be interested in reading it:

"Thanks for putting up with all my NIAW facts this week. I know all of us have different views on this subject and many others. My opinions on TTC, IVF, adoption, etc...from 2 years ago to now have DRASTICALLY changed. Two years ago, I had no idea about IVF, adoption or how hard it was to get pregnant nor did I know the brutal emotions of all of this. I hope that my random facts maybe gave you something to think about or wanted you to learn a bit more about infertility whether you have dealt with it or not. Remember that it affects 1 in 8 so next time you're in a restaurant or at church or even at work, look around, there may be a woman or man suffering the quiet battle of infertility. I leave you with one more fact:

According to the adoption agency, Love Basket, a US domestic adoption cost over $18,000. So the next time, someone tells you that they're dealing with infertility, please don't immediately say, "Why don't you just adopt?" Infertility is heartbreaking and expensive no matter which route you go...IUI, IVF, adoption or the choice to live childless. It wears on your soul, your marriage and your faith. It knocks you down and you have to take everything you have to stand up to it and get it its face.

The most important thing you can do for a friend or family member dealing with infertility is love them, listen to them and support them. Don't tell them to relax, don't assure them it'll happen...just love and support them and let them know you're there for them. You bloggy friends do a great job of that for me and I can't thank you all enough!"

About Me

DH and I found out after "only" 6 months of TTC that IVF would be the only way we were able to have a child of our own. Here's the real, honest to goodness, raw feelings of infertility. If you've never been through it, count your blessings. If you have, my heart breaks for you. Here's our journey and my thoughts along the way, it's not all rainbows and sprinkles but we'll get through it...together.