<DD> Do you realise that there have been over 1,100 hits on this thread?
<LE> That's amazing.
<DD> That's more hits than the whole of the 'Group B' thread.
<LE> I'm impressed.
<DD> Makes you think, doesn't it?
<LE> What does?
<DD> That's 1,100 more than Marcus Trescothick has managed in the World Cup
<LE> I'm going to bed.

Having just seen crash-bang-cough merchant Adam Gilchrist depart, Damien Martyn decides to have a good look at the English bowling for three balls or so before cutting loose. Andy Caddick has a ball in hand - very possibly one of the two which Churchy had dislodged by James Anderson. He pitches it up, there is a flurry of movement as bat, ball and thigh pad meet somewhere in the vicinity of Port Elizabeth. The umpire has no doubt - another 'aeroplane' decision. The so-called 'Kiwi with the FA Cup ears' - who no-one had any doubt whatsoever that he really IS a pom - has struck again.
DD rating - 1.5 lilypads

Andrew Symonds (Australia)

The last of the recognised Australian batsmen only plays this game one way, irrespective of the state of play. Today, on a wicket which was allowing the ball to grip on the surface for all bowlers - fast, slow and Brett Lee, it was the wrong way. Ashley Giles is a man who usually only improves England's fielding when he gets injured and goes off, but today the Giles hands are like buckets. Facing his fifth ball, Andrew Symonds decides to whack one straight back at the bowler. Got that right.
DD rating - 6 lilypads

Breadcrumb moment - Michael Bevan and Andy Bichel (Australia)

Well, what do you say? At 135-8, Australia looked to be in a little bit of a pickle. The world record 12th successive ODI victory (and a 14th on the trot against England) seemed a long way away - Nasser's men thought that they had got the game locked up securely. Earlier, Andy Bichel had produced a career-best 7-20. He couldn't have thought that he would be needed to do it with the bat as well.
Back in the Sky Sports studio, an elated Darren Gough, great bowler that he is, was demonstrating that throughout his wonderful career, he had actually learnt nothing about cricket - "This game is over" he said. Did you know that Darren Gough is colourblind? England's opponents today were wearing green and gold. He must have missed that. Michael Bevan was on 40 odd when Brett Lee had demonstrated that his running between the wickets was as good as his bowling today. Now if you look up 'defeat', 'loss' or even 'Brett Lee' in Michael Bevan's dictionary, it just says "see 'win'".
From England's point of view, all they had to do was blow Andy Bichel away and Glenn 'The Tail' McGrath would be exposed. Toil as they might, the bowlers got nothing past either batsman. With two overs to go and Ned Kelly and the convicts still requiring 14 to win, Nasser Hussain played his final trump card.
With the splendidly economical Freddie and 4-wicket man The Kiwi with the FA Cup ears having one over each left to bowl, Nasser turned to a decidedly shaky James 'Shoaib' Anderson to bowl the penultimate over. Enter Bichel, exit ball. A dozen off the over and a bill for a new scoreboard.
Still England had a chance. All Flintoff needed was a maiden (yeah, right). Bichel on strike - dot ball. Second ball, blasted back at the bowler. Technically a chance (right) but stopped brilliantly. The miracle still beckoned. Time for the men to stand up and be counted. Third ball, prodded to mid-on. Calamity. Michael Vaughan bends down to stop the ball which is trickling gently towards him - only for, er, I still can't work out how he missed it. Anyway, single, Bevan back on strike, whack, game over. Normal service restored.

<DD> I don't want to do this any more
<LE> Why not?
<DD> I can't concentrate on the cricket - I'm under sentence of death.
<LE> What do you mean?
<DD> The British government and that swine Elliot Morley have agreed in principle to cull the Ruddy Duck population
<LE> What has that got to do with you?

<LE> Oh, I see. What's it all about anyway?
<DD> Racial discrimination, that's what it's all about.
<LE> I think you'd better explain to your readers - those who couldn't be bothered to read the article....
<DD> It appears that some of my friends have been going over to Spain in the winter, mating with the local females and putting undue pressure on the general population.
<LE> Well, the Spanish white-headed duck is very rare.
<DD> Yes, but we're not doing anything wrong.
<LE> Why do you suppose that?
<DD> It's just what you do.
<LE> When?
<DD> When you and your mates go to Ibiza. Double standards, I call it.

Ishwar Maraj (Canada)
As Cyclone Davison continued to put the wind up the Black Caps in Benoni, Ishwar Maraj added to the excitement with a magnificent display of total inertia. Nothing could move him - or so it seemed. Together, the Canadian openers had put together a creditable first-wicket partnership of 21 in 26 balls of which Maraj's contribution was, er, 0 off 14. However, when Shane 'Mister' Bond rapped him on the toe, he had to hop it back to the pavilion.
DD rating - 8 lilypads

Breadcrumb moment - NRR (The I.C.C.)

After New Zealand had managed to dismiss the plucky Canadians for 196, the contest was nicely set up for a bit of 'crash bang wallop'. We expected fireworks - what we got was, for a while, almost sensational - 1-19, 2-31, 3-32. New Zealand certainly needed to win in double-quick time, but they had to win first. The scene was set for mayhem as the Kiwis continually sought to climb all over the Canadian bowlers - and they did too. Austin Codrington finished with the Shoaibesque figures of 0-33 off just two overs which, coupled with his exploits in the misfield, sorry, field and a half-hour seven made it a day the Jamaican-born seamer will want to forget. In all, five Black Caps perished by the sword as the Chinook which is John Davison added to his collection of gold watches and top-flight international scalps with another excellent all-round display. New Zealand were still in the tournament - just.

'Barnacle' de Leede demonstrated his wonderful 'stickability' again today. Not for him the fours and the sixes and the filthy slogging, oh no. Tim was stuck in his chair in the dressing room for a couple of hours as Kloppenburg and van Noortwijk got stuck into the Namibian attack. Now, the Dutch normally have about seven men padded up 'just in case', so when Edgar Schiferli departed soon after the start of the innings, Tim must have thought 'no time for a pee - I'll be batting in a couple of minutes'. Eventually, he had the opportunity to show his true value to the side. First ball from Louis Burger was enough - yorked. Tim got back to his seat without it getting cold. Hardly worth the wait. What am I saying? Definitely not worth the wait.
DD rating - 3 lilypads

Gerrie Snyman (Namibia)

The new Nicky de Groot, Gerrie Snyman has just seen Louis Burger depart in the desperate quest for quick runs. Enter Gerrie ' bat? what bat?' Snyman, seeking an unlikely 10 runs an over to bring an even more unlikely victory the way of the Namibians. Feiko Kloppenburg has other ideas, though. The one-time Dutch record-breaking all-rounder floats another one up, Gerrie slogs and Timotheus de Leede takes a good catch in the deep. Gerrie has recorded his third first-baller of the tournament in just four innings - a magnificent effort. How did he manage to score 5 against India? More to the point, how did he manage to last 6 balls? Never did rate Yuvraj Singh.
DD rating - 8 lilypads

Dutch centuries in one-day internationals are a bit like buses from Derby city centre to my house - you get none for 7 years and then two come along at once. Now, the tulip-growing, bike-riding, windmill mechanics have scored centuries before in the ICC trophy but with the greatest respect to Fiji, Malaysia, Israel, Hong Kong.....
<LE> We get the picture....
<DD> I'm on a roll here. To continue, Denmark, Argentina, Ireland and Bermuda, they're not exactly the giants of the game.
<LE> Namibia lost to Netherlands in the ICC Trophy final
<DD> Proving what?
<LE> That the Netherlands are favourites today.
<DD> That's not the point. This is the World Cup - the 'Big Stage' - and centuries here are proper ones. The point is, in two World Cups, they'd never managed one. The highest individual score in a 'proper' game was held by van Noortwijk when he scored 64 against England
<LE> I thought we were discounting the minnows.
<DD> I do the jokes. Now where was I?
<LE> England
<DD> Yes, I know I'm in England
<LE> No, van Noortwijk scored 64 against England
<DD> (thanks) .... in 1996 in Peshawar. Feiko broke that record today at a canter, finally going on to make a fine 121. An exhausted Klaas-Jan van Noortwijk wasn't going to have that. Despite the fact that he could hardly stand, no Namibian was able to put his finger in the dyke and stem the flow of runs. A superb knock of 134* at better than a run a ball and the man from Rotterdam had got his record back.
<LE> Selfish git.
<DD> I know.
<LE> They did very well - unknown territory, second-highest ever partnership in the world cup, a total of more than 300 for the first time by the Dutch and all that.
<DD> I think it's remarkable how they can run in clogs.
<LE> Bit cliched, all this.
<DD> What do you mean?
<LE> We've had tulips, windmills, bicycles, dykes and now clogs - all we need is cannabis...
<DD> It's in the tin under the coffee table

Breadcrumb moment - The ground staff, Bloemfontein.

What we haven't had a lot of in this World Cup (with a couple of notable exceptions) is rain. Today, however, it started as the Namibians were chasing a daunting 315 to win. Both teams stayed on and thankfully we got past the 25 over mark without interruption. After 27.1 overs, though, it started bucketing it down - in torrents. It was almost as though someone had turned all the sprinklers on at once. Hang about - someone HAD. An as-yet unnamed member of the ground staff (possibly a Namibian ex-pat), in 'attempting' to turn the floodlights on had hit the 'wrong' switch. Maybe that's why they're called FLOODlights. In a flash, all the sprinklers had indeed popped up and the deluge continued unabated for several minutes. The Dutch were not amused. I was crying with laughter. Time to bring on the sub?

Originally posted by luckyeddie
If the details of the second 'breadcrumb moment' are not quite correct (if the sequence of events is wrong, one of the batsmen is misspelt or the wrong roman emperor is having a quick smoke by the square leg umpire at the time) I DON'T CARE!!!

Sreesanth said, "Next ball he was beaten and I said, 'is this the King Charles Lara? Who is this impostor, moving around nervously? I should have kept my mouth shut for the next ball - mind you, it was a length ball - Lara just pulled it over the church beyond the boundary! He is a true legend."

<DD> Well, that was a bit sad, wasn't it?
<LE> You're dead right. What an awful way to get eliminated from the tournament
<DD> What on earth are you talking about?
<LE> The rain coming when it did, the match being tied...
<DD> I disagree. That was the highlight.
<LE> That's not very nice.
<DD> Someone was happy to see the rain.
<LE> Yes, the Sri Lankans, New Zealand...
<DD> I mean that frog.
<LE> What frog?
<DD> The one the cameras kept focusing on.
<LE> You sound as though you like rain.
<DD> Of course - I'm a duck - and the only one in the game.
<LE> Got anything to say about the game?
<DD> Not really, but I did bump into Tony Greig in the pub.
<LE> Really? Get an interview?
<DD> Have I ever let you down?
<LE> Frequently.
<DD> Roll the tape, Arthur
<Arthur X> Baaaaay all means, DD
<DD> (voice-over) Well, here we are in the bar of the 'Springbok and Protea', Durban, which I'm led to believe is one of the favourite watering-holes of former England captain and general Kerry Packer runaround, Tony Grieg. I'll just ask the landlord if he's likely to be in this evening. "Excuse me, sir. Has Tony Greig been in?"
<Landlord> He'll be about 10 minutes, but for goodness sake, don't call him that.
<DD> What - Tony? Does he insist on being referred to as Mister Greig?
<Landlord> Good god, no. Here, we refer to him by his official title.
<DD> And that is?
<Landlord> Sir Anthony
<DD> Sir Anthony?
<Landlord> Yes. He is Lord Greig of Eastbourne, I believe. He used to get really shirty with the local hicks who usually came in with their "Hey, Greigy you old bald coot. How's it going?" stuff, especially with him being on the telly about five times a week, but as soon as he told them that the British Queen had knighted him for services to cricket and commentating they soon changed their attitude. I think I hear him now.
<DD> I'll remember that. Thanks. I'll have a couple of slices of bread dipped in your best bitter, please, have one for yourself and take one for, er, Sir Anthony.
<Landlord> Thanks. I'll have a pint, Sir Anthony will have his usual Jeroboam of Champagne, I suppose.
<DD> (gulp). Oh. How much is that?
<Landlord> 30 Rand. The Champagne's Australian.
<DD> Phew, that's a relief. Can we set the equipment up anywhere?
<Landlord> Over there (points). Sit over there in the corner - I'll bring the drinks over.
<DD> (voice-over) The door is opening - yes, I can see Tony Greig coming in now. He's just going up to the bar - ah, here he comes now.
<AWG> Oaaah Devil Docky. Orm delighted to make yooor oquaintence.
<DD> (hesitantly) er..... Sir Anthony?
<AWG> Just call me Tanny. Tanny Grig.
<DD> What's with the, er...
<AWG> Keeps the drongos - sorry, spent too long with Bill Lawry - keeps the locals happy if they think orm special.
<DD> Terrible end to the game
<AWG> You're not kidding. Lorst an hour's drinking time.
<DD> I mean for the South African players
<AWG> Sorves them right. Losing to the West Indians the way they did. Never made 'em grovel at all. They grovel, you know, West Indians if you get 'em onder pressure.
<DD> Indeed. What were your thoughts about today's game Tanny er Tony?
<AWG> Woll, I thought the innings that Morvan Ottopottu played was a joy to behold. Orovinda de Silva was a joy to behold, and the - excuse me - (shouts) Another bottle of wine, Horry. Some of thot rubbish Richie sent'll do.
<DD> You were saying?
<AWG> Woll, Jocques Kollis bowled really well for the Sorth Efrikans - a joy to behold.
<DD> And the South African reply?
<AWG> Woll, I thought the innings that Horschelle Gibbs played was a joy to behold.
<DD> And the result?
<AWG> Woll, a shame really.
<Arthur X> Running out of tape, boss.
<AWG> Woll I nover, a talking sheep. I thought is was the drink agai...
click click click click

For the new slimline Inzy, the embarrassment that is the 2003 World Cup is finally over. The final indignity came courtesy of Sean Ervine who dropped one short on leg stump. The Inzamam of old would have either
a) Pushed a simple single to fine leg
b) Clipped the ball through midwicket for four with no effort whatsoever
c) Held his hand up just before the bowler got into his delivery stride, calling for a drink, a runner and a couple of pies
d) Run himself out

The 2003 vintage Inzy cast his eyes around the legside, spotted a lone Guy Whittall in the outfield and deposited a comfortable catch straight to the Zimbabwean. The mercurial Pakistani star is determined that his career will not end this way. He is going back to basics in order to bring back the 'good old days'. He strode purposefully back to the dressing room and ordered a drink and a couple of pies.

The plucky Kenyan, whose only previous appearance in this column was as 'The man Canada never wanted to get out', thrust himself forward into the limelight for a second time in the tournament when he bagged a first-baller to the once-again very impressive Vasbert Drakes who most definitely shoulders no blame whatsoever for the early departure of my favourites to win the entire tournament the West Indies. No, you know who you are you sad load of getting-out-as-soon-as-you-get-in and can't-catch-anything-to-save-your-lives failures. Cost me a fiver at the bookies, would you? I digress. Drakes to Modi, outside edge, caught by Ridley Jacobs. zzzzzzzz.
<Luckyeddie> Modi's middle name is 'Subhash'
<DD> That figures, although he made more of a full hash of his innings today.
DD rating - 0.5 lilypads

Maurice Odumbe (Kenya)

The splendidly impressive, hostile Jermaine Lawson steams in to Odumbe, himself fresh from registering a sparkling half-century against Bangladesh which had gone a long way towards carrying the Kenyans into the Super Sixes. The ball is short, very quick and the batsman is forced on to the back foot. At least, he would have been able to get onto his back foot if three vertical bits of timber hadn't got in the way. Hit wicket, second ball - a fine effort. As Selwyn would say, 'Magic, our Maurice' (our older readers may appreciate that).
DD rating - 7 lilypads

Breadcrumb moment - The post-game party(West Indies)

<DD> We are privileged today to have with us the greatest-ever bowler, living or dead, to play for Derbyshire - Michael Anthony Holding.
<Arthur X> He's not here yet.
<DD> Well, who IS here?
<Arthur X> Chris Gayle
<DD> OK, he'll do. Photographic memory, fascination for statistics and all. Grab him quick before he gets another one down his neck. The bar's free today.
<Arthur X> Oi, Chris Gayle. Over 'ere a minute.
<DD> Arthur, put the gun away.
<Chris Gayle> Hello dere. What can I do for you (hic)?
<DD> Devil Ducky, Cricket Web. Could you spare us a few minutes?
<CG> Sure ting, mon. Mikey not turned up yet?
<DD> Er, who?
<CG> 'Olding. 'Im an' Vas 'avin de boat race - first to eight.
<DD> (whispers) Arthur, keep rolling. We can wipe that bit when we get back to the studio.
<Arthur X> (chuckles) Sure thing, boss.
<DD> Chris, great innings today. Tell us about it in your own words.
<CG> Well, Martin Suji opened de bowlin. First ball was outside off stick, I left 'im alone. Second ball, 'e was a beauty - 'it de seam, I was lucky, mon. Tird ball, I left 'im alone. De fourt' ball of de over, I played 'im off de back foot to point....
<DD> (whispers) How much tape we got today, Arthur?
<Arthur X> A C-90, but we'll have to record over Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' at this rate.
<DD> Chris, what about some of your scoring strokes?
<CG> Oooo-kay. Dat Angara (hic) gave me a few outside off stick, so I smashed 'im troo de covers a time or two. You know, food an' drink. Speakin' of which, you wanna Red Stripe and someting to eat?
<DD> Thanks.
<CG> Dey got roast duck on de menu toda...... sorry. I'll see if dey doin' lilypad sandwiches. 'Lo, Mikey an' Vas just come in. Hey, over here, guys.
<Vasbert Drakes> Hi, DD.
<Michael Holding> 'Lo, lickle duck. 'Ow yer goin'?
<DD> Hello, guys. Michael, how disappointed are you that the West Indies failed to make it to the Super Sixes?
<MH> Well, I tink de side started goin' down'ill after I retired.
<DD> Did you not think that Curtley and Courtney were tremendous assets to the side in the 90's?
<MH> Who?
<DD> Curtley Ambrose.... Courtney Walsh.....
<MH> Oh, dose guys. Well, I suppose dey were ok. Now Ian Bishop, on de udder hand - did I ever tell you I was responsible for makin' 'im come to Derbyshire?
<DD> Fine bowler, but a little too injury-prone.
<MH> Yes, but he could mix a tremendous Daiquiri
<DD> Indeed...
<MH> Plenty of rom
<DD> About your record for Derbyshire....
<MH> Twenty tree daiquiris in tree minutes...
<DD> No, the eight wickets against Sussex in 1981, the nine wickets in an innings in.....
<MH> Twenty tree. I'm really proud of dat. Couple of 'em popped out again, but you can't catch 'em all, 'specially when dey comin' at you at dat speed. Course, in dose days I was quick. Even had time for a Cuba Libra in de miggle...
<DD> Getting back to the cricket - how do you feel about the early exit from the tournament, Vasbert?
<Vasbert Drakes> A little disappointed, DD. The fates conspired against us, I think.
<DD> Yes. The rain was most unfortunate in the game against Bangladesh...
<VD> No, I meant the stupid Lara run out against New Zealand, losin' the toss against Sri Lanka, Ram gettin' biffed on the noggin, Carl and Chris's fielding in the slips to my bowlin' at any time....
<CG> Last time I buy you a beer
<VD> De bar's free.
<DD> Chris. I noticed that you weren't moving that freely today.
<CG> No, I've got an injury. Unfortunate really. Got hit, er, unluckily, by a cricket ball...
<DD> How's that?
<CG> Don't you start. Seems Vasbert was a bit upset at Carl following de Bangladesh game, and trew a ball at 'im. Vas missed, de ball 'it me on de um er,
<DD> Rectum?
<CG> Lucky it didn't shatter 'em. Anyway, dat's why it took me 143 balls to get to my 'undred today.
<DD> You seem fascinated by statistics, Chris..
<CG> Happened a few years ago when someone told me that 1 person in 5 is Chinese.
<DD> Yes, but I fail to see...
<CG> That's right, 1 in 5. Amazing statistic. Take my family. There's five of us, so the odds are that one of us is Chinese.
<DD> Really?
<CG> Well, there's mum and dad, me, my older brother Colin and my younger brother Hop Lee Fung.
<DD> Amazing.
<CG> Personally, I think it's Colin.
<DD> Well, our time's just about run out here in Kimberley. So from Chris Gayle, Michael Holding, Vasbert Drakes and me, Devil Ducky, it's goodnight.
<CG> Goodnight.
<MH and VD> zzzzzzzzz
<DD> Arthur, ready to wipe the, er, out-takes?
<Arthur X> Sorry, boss. It went out live.