I never knew comfort was synonymous with not having a sense of personal shame

October 10, 2011

Last year, Regular Renal reader and member of the Trent Lott Posse Daisyfae came up with a line of clothing called “The Lazy Cougar,” consisting of, in her words, ” …crotchless sweatpants? Bulky, fuzzy boots – left unzipped. Velour tops that zip up the front – with a built in front-hook bra.” This is the outfit for the experienced woman who isn’t going to bother gussying herself up for your benefit. In fact, you’re lucky if she’ll get off the couch for you, big boy. So come on over and get yourself some lazy sex. Just not while Real Housewifes of Wherever is on.

I bring this up because it looks like someone may have beaten Daisyfae to market with inactive wear for adults. As if the Snuggie wasn’t lazy enough for people, now we have FOREVER LAZY.

“If you wear a Forever Lazy to my house, I will stop being your friend,” I say. “And if you wear a Forever Lazy to my house with flip-flops or sandals I get to shoot you. It’s part of the Castle Doctrine. I have the right to defend myself in my house and a person in a flip-flops and a fleece onesy obviously wants to do me harm.”

“If there was ever a metaphor for America that could be found on commercial television, it’s Forever Lazy,” says Mikka, who is no stranger to just sitting around playing video games for hours on end, but at least he will throw a hockey jersey on. “Feety pajamas merged with a hoodie with the explicit suggestion of ‘Be as unproductive as possible today.’ It’s so American I’m almost surprised it doesn’t come in an American Flag pattern, but that would have been too much work.”

“This will be uniform of the lap slaves after the cat revolution,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who has been participating in his own protest movement called #OccupyThisBox, where Bernie protests against Wall Street fucking up America by napping in the cardboard box his wife’s liquor gets delivered in. “The lap slaves will be lashed to couches for their feline betters to sit upon, and these fleece one-pieces will guarantee that every where we sit on these lap slaves will be a warm comfy spot OR THERE WILL BE SUMMARY EXECUTIONS!”

“You know, you can just buy adult-sized feety pajamas,” says Tina the Lesbian, who as a lesbian is stereotyped as having lazy fashion sense. “You don’t need to look like you’re with the Heaven’s Gate cult on Casual Suicide Friday.”

“I don’t like the implication that this should be worn outside of the house,” says Ninja Vicki, who takes the easy way out when it comes to clothes and dresses in black because she’s a ninja. “Being lazy in your house is one thing, being lazy in public is just nasty. I hate people who wear those flannel pajama bottoms to the mall enough as it is. I can barely justify wasting a shuriken on them.”

“If you’re going to wear a jumpsuit, it better be form fitting, like Erin Gray in Buck Rogers,” says Anonymous Doug, who know all about being lazy and women in jumpsuits. “This Forever Lazy bullshit is just mocking her hot memory and I won’t be a part of it.”

“I think there should be a rule for that People of Wal-Mart website that all pictures of people in Forever Lazies should be disqualified on the grounds that it’s too easy a target,” says Samurai Cathy, who walks around town in a silk samurai kimono. “It should be it’s own website… ForeverLazyatWalMart.com.”

“I could see the Forever Lazy being something you wear when you’re sick,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, who doesn’t have time to be lazy because she’s making sure her ho’s are working those streets to make her mad stacks of paper. “It’s your flu-recovery outfit, not your I’m sad-and-lonely-with-nothing-to-do-on-a-Friday-night-outfit. Because then the Forever Lazy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“Lazy Tag Larkin does not want zippered hatches!” says Tag Larkin, who we’re guessing calls himself Lazy Tag Larkin when he’s feeling really lazy. We take that to mean when he’s too lazy to throw furniture at people. “Lazy Tag Larkin needs to be able to whip his turgid cock out with ease! Lazy Tag Larkin wants a dick flap! Lazy Tag Larkin is displeased by this design flaw, also shared by the Snuggie!”

Still, the Forever Lazy may have one purpose: it might be the world’s first rape-repellant outfit. This is based on the hypothesis that there is a rapist social network and if you rape a girl wearing a Forever Lazy you get looked down upon by your fellow rapists. Even the pedophiles will be like “Hey, at least the kid I touched wasn’t wearing a Forever Lazy. Even we’ve got some fucking standards here!”