Five Awesomely Stupid Infomercial Products

We DelSquacho have written a time or two about how much we love infomercials. They are wonderfully entertaining in a stupid way. Sort of like movies starring Nicholas Cage (excepting Adaptation and Raising Arizona, or course). We know that they are ill-conceived, predictable, and star people who could only be described as pathetically inept. But we watch anyways. Why? I suppose because the remote is across the room, and I’m far too lazy to get off the couch.

The Perfect Pancake

What It’s For:

Flipping pancakes. No, seriously. It’s for all those people out there who lack the necessary coordination to flip something over in a pan without setting fire to their kitchen.

Why It Sucks:

This customer review tells us all we need to know: “Pros: the batter dispenser, fits easily in trash can […] The Perfect Pancake was used two times before I perfectly tossed it into the trash. It was so perfectly terrible that I didn’t bother selling it […] Well I ask you this, how many times did it take you to realize that going to the proctologist isn’t fun?”

It takes a special kind of dysfunctional product to enrage its users to the point where they are comparing its use to visiting a doctor who specializes in sticking things up your ass. Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to charge twenty bucks for something that pretty much any able-bodied person can easily do with your average spatula is beyond me.

GT Express Max 101

What It’s For:

Overcooking a bunch of old food so that you can pretend its some kind of gourmet meal.

Why It Sucks:

The biggest problem (and there are a lot of problems) with this infomercial are the numerous close-ups we see of that lady’s gross old fingers. Don’t her hands remind you of the hands of your great aunt Mabel? The one who wore way too much old-lady perfume, pinched your cheeks, and left ten tons of lipstick residue on her unfiltered cigarettes? Why would they have someone like that touching food that is supposed to be, you know, appetizing? It’s a mystery that may never be solved.

In all reality, I’m certainly not above eating leftovers. But the fact that a modified waffle iron is being foisted on the unsuspecting masses as the latest achievement in the ever-advancing world of culinary arts is a bit alarming to me. And what of the infomercial itself? It stars a simple-minded doofus and knobbly-fingered old woman with a grating voice as salespeople, and all they do is root around in the fridge for a bunch of twelve-day old chicken and pork chops, dump it all in the little trays and re-cook it. Does anyone out there really want this stupid thing?

The Magic Bullet

What It’s For:

It’s a mini food processor. How original. No, really, I’ve never seen an infomercial featuring something that could whir up a bunch of food into a fine paste.

Why It Sucks

Now, there is a very real possibility here that I’m just a sick bastard, but when I hear the name “The Magic Bullet” the first thing that comes to mind is that it should be the name of a dildo. I suppose this thing could be used as a dildo if you’re one of those creative types, but I’m pretty sure this thing is just a poorly-named, cheap food processor. Doesn’t it seem like a new infomercial for one of these glorified blenders comes out every year or two? What is the saturation point in the marketplace for cheap, plastic quasi-food processors? Do we, as a society, really make that many chicken salad sandwiches?

Hulk Hogan’s Ultimate Grill

What It’s For:

It’s a half-assed hybrid between a George Foreman Grill and a panini press.

Why It Sucks:

Apparently original ideas are vastly overrated, and with that in mind I present to you Hulk Hogan’s Ultimate Grill. It seems that this stupid thing is a little bigger than a Foreman Grill, and instead of being endorsed by a legendary boxer, it’s endorsed by a legendary play-fighter. That’s all Hogan was, a guy who got rich and famous play-fighting with other steroid-filled maniacs to the delight of a bunch of trailer park-dwelling rednecks. Surely he is not deserving of his own commemorative line of underwhelming culinary contraptions, is he?

This is one of those products that, try as I might, I just can’t figure out how the hell it ever made it to production. Somewhere, some asshole thought that instead of doing a bad job of raising his degenerate spawn, Hulk Hogan’s time would be best spent hawking a cheap, pathetic rip-off of a gimmicky electric grill. Wouldn’t you think that someone, somewhere down the line, would inform everyone that this whole idea is incredibly stupid and doomed to failure? Maybe I’m giving people too much credit.

The Sonic Blade

What It’s For:

Cutting things: it’s a glorified electric knife.

Why It Sucks:

This might be the most patently ridiculous infomercial I’ve ever seen, and therefore is one of my all-time favorites. Electric knives have been around for quite a while. But according to the ad, this isn’t an ordinary knife, oh no, the Sonic Blade uses “dual actuating” blades to “sonically separate” your food. Impressive, no? Hell, it sounds like I’d need an advanced degree in particle physics to figure out how such a technologically-advanced gizmo works.

However, let’s think about the language they use for a minute. “Dual actuating blades” means “two activated blades”, or blades that move back and forth. But I’m pretty sure that moving blades is the operating principle behind all electric knives. But what I’m really wondering how is how it can “sonically separate” my sandwich, steak or cheese. How is this possible? Does it emit some kind of high-pitched noise that scares the sandwich molecules to each side of the blade in equal proportions? I have my doubts.

Another big problem I have with this ad is that it claims that cheese is the hardest food in the world to cut in to cubes. Again, maybe I’m living in the dark ages, but it seems like grape jelly, or honey, or applesauce would be infinitely more difficult to cut into perfect cubes of equal sizes. Perhaps I would have been more likely to purchase this utterly useless contraption if they had just ran a simple ad that said “We have a really cool-assed electric knife here, and it’ll cut the hell outta your hamburger sammich.”