Disclaimer:XENA and GABRIELLE are owned by Renaissance/MCA/Studios USA. No copyright infringement is
intended. I suppose this is uberish since ancient Greeks didn't have modern plumbing (aside
from that quirk in ATOTM).

This parody is the result of some absolutely insane ramblings produced during a Palace chat. The innocent (and their sanity) have been protected by changing the names of the individuals involved. And you wouldn't believe how many times we said, "We're only talking about plumbing, geez...." <BG>

Upon hearing the very feminine voice on the other end of the line, Xena: Master Plumber sits
forward on her chair.

XENA(perking up)I have many skills. Which ones do you require?

GABRIELLEPlumbing. You know...wells, depths, fluids....

XENASounds like plumbing to me.

GABRIELLEI don't want just anyone to look at my pipes...you are qualified right? Do you do plunging? I
think my pipes need plunging and I have this dripping crack.

With a smug grin, Xena: Master Plumber sits back in her chair and props her feet up on her
desk.

XENAOh, I'm sure you can ask several that have been satisfied...I am confident of my abilities to
handle your leakage situation. Plunging? Yeah. You know...it's important to have a good
plunger around. Plunging is a science.

GABRIELLEOh? Are you well equipped?

XENAWell, my fingers are nimble, my hands are sure, and I never tire. I never leave a job unfinished. I have many tools.

GABRIELLECan you tell me a little about your knowledge and skill? How exactly would you solve my
problem? Can you tell me about plunging and leaking?

XENAOh, yeah...sure. Well, when plunging, you have to make sure to cover the hole completely with
the plunger to assure maximum suction.

Gabrielle, who is sitting nervously on the edge of her chair, listens intently.

GABRIELLEHole? Suction?

When the caller shows an interest in the science of plunging, Xena: Master Plumber becomes
confident. Her voice lowers in register to a near purr as she continues in an attempt to impress
the potential client.

XENAAnd then you have to really put your back into it when plunging. You have to make sure that the
down stroke is forceful and the upstroke gentle and slow. It's the only way to clean pipes.

The timber of the Master Plumber's voice sends a curious tingle down Gabrielle's spine.
Thinking about her pipes being plunged and her leaks being fixed, she closes her eyes.

XENA(continuing)You have to watch, though...sometimes you have to gag off the other end because it ruins the
suction on the hole.

GABRIELLE
(blushing with a strangled choke)Gag?

Not noticing the odd tone of the caller's voice, Xena: Master Plumber continues.

XENASnakes are good for cleaning pipes as well....

Desperate to have her problems solved, Gabrielle interrupts the Master Plumber.

GABRIELLEWhat can you do for the leak?

Given a new opportunity to demonstrate her vast knowledge, Xena: Master Plumber becomes
excited, for her juices begin to flow.

XENAWell, you have to make sure to find the source of the leak. Once you find it, you have to make
sure to plug it up real good. You have to watch, though. Some leaks are smaller than others.
You'd want to use a plug appropriate for the size of the leak. Otherwise, you'll just make
theleaking hole bigger...and sometimes that isn't preferable.(a beat)You don't want to stop up the leak too quickly either.

Gabrielle's breath becomes hitched. Her fingers begin to play with and wrap around the curly
phone cord.

GABRIELLENo, of course not. Please...this is fascinating. Do go on.

Spurred by her caller's interest, Xena: Master Plumber complies.

XENASometimes things have to be flushed from the pipes. Flushing relieves the pressure. And always
take your time. You don't want to do a shoddy job. And don't forget, sometimes you have to plug
up both holes to get the right results. Examining the substances in the leakage through smell or
taste
can give you a hint as to the cause of the original leakage.

GABRIELLEIs that safe?

XENAOh, the best plumbers are *always* careful and thorough. They take their time to ascertain the
cause of the leakage and to administer the remedy.

Gulping at the thought of having all of her plumbing problems solved, Gabrielle sits back, no
longer anxious, hearing the confident tones of the Master Plumber on the other end of the line.

GABRIELLEWhat if a plunger won't do the job? What do you do then?

XENASometimes you have to take deeper measures and use a snake. I have found in my experience
that electric snakes work best in reaching depths that traditional or organic tools cannot.

Gabrielle's blood begins to rush through her body like a thundering river. She becomes excited and she engages the Master Plumber.

GABRIELLEOh, I'm sure that hand-powered snakes can be great tools as well.

XENAOf course. Hand power has its purposes. I've even seen some rentals that are curved or
hooked for reaching out of the way places in plumbing systems. The most important thing is that
the snake must be strong and flexible, able to adjust to the situation.(a beat)When conventional methods don't apply, manual labor at times becomes necessary.

GABRIELLE(breathlessly)You must know pipes well.

Not noticing the awe in the caller's voice, the Master Plumber continues.

XENAIf you must resort, or even prefer the manual route, it is good to always remember comfort.
Personally, I spend a lot of time on my knees. I always carry a pillow so that I can work for long
hours without discomfort. I like getting down to the matter of the problem. And of course...the
best plumbers come with their own tools.

GABRIELLE(picturing the Master Plumber on her knees, working on her pipes)I bet you do.

XENA(with assurance)I have a vast array of tools. Sometimes though, tools and snakes just won't do the job. It is then
that the plucky plumber must in a few words - get her hands dirty...(a beat)...Or wet, as the case may be.

Closing her eyes, Gabrielle imagines the Master Plumber with a chest full of weapons to battle
her dripping crack.

GABRIELLE(interrupting)Do you have a good hands-on approach?

In an attempt to sway the client to take her on for the job, Xena: Master Plumber begins to extol her own prowess.

XENAMy hands can work magic. I delve into my work.

GABRIELLEIsn't that dangerous, though? What if you get stuck?

XENAI'm always cautious when inserting my hand into any plumbing fixtures. I always have plenty of
lubricant.

GABRIELLEJust how much experience do you have?

XENAI've installed more bathroom sinks than I can count.

There is a heavy silence as Gabrielle ponders whether Xena: Master Plumber is the right person for the job.

XENASo...are we all straightened (to use a phrase) on the methodology of typical household
plumbing?

Gabrielle snaps out of her daze and clears her throat.

GABRIELLEUh...yes, you were very good at satisfying my curiosity.

XENA(purring)Gooood....

The Master Plumber chuckles.

XENAWill you be ready for a one-on-one oral test and answer session?

Blinking mutely on the other end of the line, Gabrielle takes a shaky breath.

GABRIELLEI'm sure I could handle that....

There is another silence as Gabrielle makes her decision.

GABRIELLEI think I need your hands on approach.

Xena: Master Plumber slowly raises a brow and smirks when she realizes that she has bagged another account. Her pleasure is evident in her honey-thick voice and her lazy drawl.

XENAHands on, eh?

GABRIELLEOn my facilities....

XENA(warming up)
I've told you all about myself. I think it's your turn...what about you? Exactly what can I help *you* with.

GABRIELLEMy, you are solicitous.

XENAI do what the situation calls for. I've never come across a dripping crack I can't fix.

GABRIELLEReally? Can you help me? You seem to be much more knowledgeable about the fine art of
plumbing than I.

XENAYour problem, the plunging and leaking...I can fix. *And* I am known for my care and caution
when dealing with delicate pipes. It involves both mechanical contrivances and organic
materials.

GABRIELLEDo you know how to be firm when need be, though, don't you?

XENAOf course, I can be aggressive when the situation warrants.

There is a brief pause as the two women think about pipes and cracks.

XENAWhy don't you tell me about your leak?

GABRIELLEWell, like I said. I think I have a leaking crack and I'm sure that my pipes need plunged.

XENAHow long has it been since you've had your pipes snaked or even cleaned by a knowledgeable
person...and I'm not referring to your self-attempts with non-organic remedies?

Pondering how long it had been since anyone but herself had seen her pipes, Gabrielle chews
her lip as her body trembles with the need for a good plumber.

GABRIELLEI...I honestly don't remember. No one I've ever spoken to ever sounded like they could handle
my problem. I mean, if they sound like they can't help, I'm not going to invite them over here to
look at my pipes. I guess it's been so long that I no longer considered it important.

XENAA good cleaning out every once in a while, is always a prudent exercise.

GABRIELLE(forlorn)It's been so long. You are the first plumber I've phoned that seems to have everything I need.

XENAHmm...we may have a situation on our hands, then.

GABRIELLE(sobbing)I think my pipes are getting rusty. Is there anything you all can do?

XENAWell, let me consult my manual here.

The Master Plumber opens a drawer and pulls out "101 Ways To Have Fun While Getting Wet."

XENAHmm...I think the first thing we will have to do is conduct a preliminary examination of your pipes.

Drawing strength from the Master Plumber's confidence, Gabrielle dries her eyes and nods as
she takes mental notes.

GABRIELLEPipe checking...got it.

XENATell me, when will you be available? I'd like your input on the whole process.

GABRIELLEWell, I'm available this evening or tomorrow. Do you think this is an emergency?

XENAI would like to take some time to find out know what has and hasn't been done for you before.

GABRIELLEWell, had some stuff done for me in the past, but it's been awhile since I've had my pipes
checked out thoroughly.

XENAWell, it's only an emergency if there is major leakage and you are having difficulty walking
without possibly slipping in puddles.

GABRIELLEWell, my pipes do sound a bit moist at the moment. They are burbling...does that mean
anything?

There is the sound of the phone being set down and some shuffling on Gabrielle's end.

GABRIELLENo wait, it isn't burbling...just the very faint sound of oozing.

XENAOozing? Oh, myyyy...*that* is a problem of another orientation.

GABRIELLEI know that at least one is leaking as well.

XENAWell after hearing this, I may have to crawl into the access shaft in order to listen and find the
source of the oozing.

GABRIELLEWell, if you think it's necessary.

XENATell me, when was the last time you checked the access to your pipes? Is it clean? I prefer
working in clean areas...so much easier to find what I'm looking for and diagnosing problems.

GABRIELLEOh, my pipes are very clean. I even call in a team of women to help me. My basement is
spotless.

XENAWhat kind of access do you have? Will we have to do any stripping or is there a panel?

GABRIELLEWell, most of the pipes are in my basement. Upstairs...I'm not sure.

Xena: Master Plumber takes a moment to mentally taste the sound of the caller's name.

XENAOkay, Gab-ri-elle....

GABRIELLEOh, my...the way you say my name...so friendly and familiar. You aren't like any other plumber I've spoken with.

XENAWell, I am known for my touchy-feely method of diagnosing. I tend to use my hands and fingers
to search out for sources of leakage. It is much more dependable than items used by some men.

GABRIELLEHmm...well, just make sure when you examine that opening that your hands are nice and warm.
You don't want to get a chill.

XENAThat is very kind of you to say. But, it has been my experience that hot water pipes tend to leak
more often than cold. It has to do with expansion and the cracking of joints. So chances are that
the leak is from a hot source.

GABRIELLEMy source is very hot.

XENAThat's all right. I am accustomed to dealing with hot pipes, so don't worry about my experience
in these matters.

GABRIELLEYou sound like you have been doing this for a long time. Tell me, have you satisfied all of your
clients?

XENAA good plumber goes to any lengths and uses any means at her disposal to satisfy her client. I
have many that simply call for routine maintenance.

GABRIELLEMy pipes won't be just another set to you, will they? I don't want to be just another account
number. Will you remember my name after you finish? Will I just be a card in your Rolodex?

XENAI don't use a Rolodex...I have a palm pilot.

GABRIELLEWell, okay. You seem like a nice plumber. Can you do this for me?

XENAYes, Gab-ri-elle, I can do it for you. In fact, I can't wait to get my hands on your pipes. There are some things you might want to know about me before we make a commitment on this.

GABRIELLE(suspicious)Like what?

XENAWell, I'm very informal when I work. Plumbing is hot and sweaty work...and at times, I take off
my coveralls. Would that bother you?

GABRIELLENo, no...feel free. I want you to be comfortable while doing your job.

XENAI just like to save my clients from any embarrassment of seeing me out of uniform.

GABRIELLEWe don't want you to faint from overheating, being near that heat source. I can handle it, I
assure you.

XENAWell then. I look forward to servicing your plumbing, Gab-ri-elle. I'm available tomorrow. I can
come as early as you wish.

GABRIELLEI can't wait for you to come...can you make it as soon as possible?

XENAI can be there at nine in the morning.

GABRIELLEI'll be ready to receive you.(a beat)Thank you, Xena.

XENAIt will be my pleasure.

After giving the Master Plumber her address, Gabrielle says good bye and hangs up her phone.
She sits for a moment with a big smile on her face now that she no longer has to worry about her
leaking pipe with the dripping crack. She was sure that she found the right plumber for her job.

As the connection was broken, Xena: Master Plumber looked down at her empty appointment book. She dusts it off and inks in her new client's name. Although she is as experienced as she had told Gabrielle, it had been a long time since she felt an excitement for her job. From the sounds of it, the frantic young woman had quite a mess on her hands and the plumber was more than willing to spend the rest of her life if need be to maintain all of Gabrielle's pipes.

Maybe to be continued. Who knows what the hell is going to happen.

The authors disclaim any knowledge of plumbing in the traditional sense. A few additional
comments were made by hobbes and someone going by the alias of 'guttermind.'