A Guy Says: Robert Pattinson Needs to Tell Us More

As a 17-year-old girl, I did what I normally do this past Monday night. I turned on The Daily Show to watch hilarious analysis of the day’s news events. And by news events I’m not talking about Paul Ryan. I don’t even know who that is. Sounds like an underwear model. I’m talking, of course, about Robert Pattinson.

By the way, by 17-year-old girl, I mean 23-year-old man.

R Patz’s appearance on The Daily Show was highly anticipated. Would he talk about Kristen Stewart? Would he tell us about his broken heart? Would he try to suck John Stewart’s blood? Unfortunately, none of those things happened and we were left with more questions after the interview than we had before. Here’s one of those questions: Why did he go on The Daily Show to talk about Kristen Stewart’s affair?

And here’s the answer: He went on The Daily Show to talk about Kristen Stewart so that he wouldn’t have to talk about Kristen Stewart. He knew Jon Stewart couldn’t have cared less about his personal life, and he knew they wouldn’t discuss it. Watching The Daily Show and expecting to see someone talk about their celebrity affair is like going to Twilight and expecting to see a good movie. Both of those expectations are unreasonable.

Nevertheless, we shouldn’t let R. Patz skate through our lives without giving us the crucial details of this affair. There are so many unanswered questions. I can’t think of any right now because most of them have been answered, but I’ll think of some. Oh, here’s one: What if Kristen Stewart had cheated on him with a gorilla? Would he feel different? We still don’t know how bestiality would have effected their relationship, and it’s crucial that we find out. Is it not? I thought so.

Plus, he’s a celebrity. What does he expect? It’s not like we want him to share his most intense feelings with us about the most important relationship he’s ever had just so we can pry at it and point a finger at it and say, “Hey, there’s something kinda sad and pathetic that isn’t happening to me?” We want to do all those things because we want to feel bad for him. We want to show sympathy. We want him to divulge things to us we already know so we can be nice to him. Why doesn’t he get that? What a jerk.

So, we need to demand answers. He asked us to give his movie Cosmoplis a bigger opening weekend than The Dark Knight Rises. Well, we should say, “We’ll be happy to do that. Just as soon as you tell us how you’re feeling in specific detail. The more uncomfortable it is for you, the happier I’ll be because that means we’re getting the good stuff out of you.”

And by failing to making himself uncomfortable for my benefit, he’s failing to feed my celebrity gossip appetite, and that is repugnant. If you don’t want to whore yourself out for my entertainment all the time — in movies or in your real life — then get out of the biz because there are plenty of people lining up who would love to do so. At this point, I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason Jessica Simpson had a kid.

After all, the longer R. Patz goes without telling us about this fiasco from his vantage point, the closer I get to saying it was all his fault. Oh, “it wasn’t his fault,” you say? Well, how do we know that? He hasn’t said anything. For all we know, he could have had sex with a gorilla and started the whole damn thing. It is true that he never said that. But it’s also true that he never didn’t say that.