OP has already said experience type gifts aren't an option right now (a few posts back). I realize you say you want to give something they can use now - Unfortunately just about ANYTHING can and probably will be co-opted, unless it is either specifically too small for older child to wear now. With that in mind I wonder if you could just visit a thrift shop near you and check to see if they have anything in the size the younger child is wearing now. That way you wouldn't be spending a lot on something that she might only wear for a few months, especially if it is cold weather gear; also, as a thrift item, you wouldn't be as concerned if they were stained/ripped in play and such. Heck, most of my gifts to my nephews at that age (up to about age 6) were thrift store finds for those reasons. Either that, or something that is extremely specific, something you know Younger likes but Older does not. Even things like toys or art supplies would be shared too, as they often are at that age, especially if the parents don't enforce a division of possessions. Perhaps books might be an option - even if older likes them, they could still be enjoyed by the younger if they are in the household and not stashed under older's bed or something. In my experience books don't tend to be an item that is kept away from one another.

Even embroidering a name on something might not work to save an item from older's greed. At that age, kids don't know that taking is bad unless their parent tells them... and the grandparents in this case haven't told her this. She will likely learn this anyway in school, so the GPs aren't doing EITHER of them any favors.

I know this is outside of the OP's scope of what she can/should try to control, but eventually this appeasement tactic with the oldest is going to blow up in the inlaws faces. They are letting the oldest steamroll the 3yo because she is too young to understand how she is being treated. But eventually, she will and she will object. Loudly. And the oldest will be so entrenched in getting her own way that they will have to handle her tantrums on top of trying to figure out how to handle the youngest's suddenly wanting to change the dynamic. They need to change now before the problem becomes too big to handle.

I know this is outside of the OP's scope of what she can/should try to control, but eventually this appeasement tactic with the oldest is going to blow up in the inlaws faces. They are letting the oldest steamroll the 3yo because she is too young to understand how she is being treated. But eventually, she will and she will object. Loudly. And the oldest will be so entrenched in getting her own way that they will have to handle her tantrums on top of trying to figure out how to handle the youngest's suddenly wanting to change the dynamic. They need to change now before the problem becomes too big to handle.

So very, very true. I know a family in a similar situation but the kids are now teens. Lets just say that letting the older one get away with murder "because of what happened when he was young" has really come back to bite the adults in charge on the backside.

Agreed. I will not be asking the 5 year old to give up that hat, as far as everyone is concerned it is her hat now. I will not be denying her gifts either, I think that's mean and it would serve no point. I was just wondering on whether or not my IL's were rude to basically regift something from one to another like that. It's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease and the oldest is definitely squeaky.

I have a lot to think on as now that I've gotten off my chest I can see that there will not be a normal gift giving thing happening. The dynamics are different than what I am used to.

My personal view is that unless there's a good reason for it (eg financial necessity) the parents (or guardians in this case) are rude to take a designated gift away from one child, and give it to the other.

I guess the real question is - is "appeasing a child" a good reason? While I get that the grandparents might be old, tired, and struggling a bit with the situation, I still don't think it's a good reason.

[size=78%] It might be finances or distance or whatever. Does it make a difference to know? OP says it isn't an option. If it was, OP appears to want to if they could and will when it is a doable option.[/size]

Agreed. I will not be asking the 5 year old to give up that hat, as far as everyone is concerned it is her hat now. I will not be denying her gifts either, I think that's mean and it would serve no point. I was just wondering on whether or not my IL's were rude to basically regift something from one to another like that. It's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease and the oldest is definitely squeaky.

I have a lot to think on as now that I've gotten off my chest I can see that there will not be a normal gift giving thing happening. The dynamics are different than what I am used to.

My personal view is that unless there's a good reason for it (eg financial necessity) the parents (or guardians in this case) are rude to take a designated gift away from one child, and give it to the other.

I guess the real question is - is "appeasing a child" a good reason? While I get that the grandparents might be old, tired, and struggling a bit with the situation, I still don't think it's a good reason.

What about a *family* experience gift? Instead of individual birthday gifts, a set of tickets (or season pass) to a zoo (or children's museum or whatever), so that everyone can go.

Am I the only one who think they will go on the older girl's birthday and the little one get shafted again? Even with season tickets. Maybe not on purpose, but excuses like timing or being tired of the zoo or something like that.

Maybe I missed it, but I did not get the sense there is some diabolical scheme to favor the five year old over the three year old. I get the sense the inlaws are doing the best they can in a rough situation. The five year old happens to be older. I think rather than painting the five year old as an awful child or the inlaws as somehow shafting the three year old it would be better to focus on being supportive to the entire family. I am still not convinced that the situation was handled atrociously by the inlaws - we don't know their entire interactions with the girls - but regardless, I don't get the sense they are intentionally shafting the three year old. I don't think it does any good to make assumptions along those lines.

I don't think it's an evil plan to deny the 3yo gifts, but I do think they are being short-sighted and taking the road of least resistance. Which I understand, they are trying to cope in a really hard situation. The problem is they are using the easiest solution, which is going to cause them serious problems in the long run if things don't change.

No, I don't think anybody is being evil. But it's very (very) easy to forget the easier child. I just don't think a family gift is the way to go. Better to give the 3 year old an individual gift that's the right size for her. Believe me, she will remember the few things she got that's not given to her sister first, and who she can confide in when she's older. You can love and understand your family and the things they do, but still get hurt from their actions. I'm talking from experience.

Maybe I missed it, but I did not get the sense there is some diabolical scheme to favor the five year old over the three year old. I get the sense the inlaws are doing the best they can in a rough situation. The five year old happens to be older. I think rather than painting the five year old as an awful child or the inlaws as somehow shafting the three year old it would be better to focus on being supportive to the entire family. I am still not convinced that the situation was handled atrociously by the inlaws - we don't know their entire interactions with the girls - but regardless, I don't get the sense they are intentionally shafting the three year old. I don't think it does any good to make assumptions along those lines.

Intent doesn't matter, especially when you're talking about young children. Only results. The apparent result is that the younger child was deprived of a gift in favor of the older child.

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