Ragequit

It’s not good, folks. I can feel it. The sanity in my head- or whatever is left of it, anyway- is slowly being strained to the breaking point. I fear that at some point in the near future, if I don’t get some sort of harmless release, I’m going to snap, and that’s just going to be really bad for me. I’ll probably flip shit at a classmate, or teacher, or the principal, or something, and just let out 11 years of frustration, anxiety, anger, angst, and other bullshit emotions in one go. Which will probably result in a suspension. I’ll get in huge, huge trouble at home, but that won’t really matter, seeing as how I’m gone in the fall.

See, here’s my eventual plan. I’m going to leave the house in the fall for college. Then, the first weekend, I’ll come back home for both days. Same for the second and third weekend. On the fourth weekend, I’m going to stay at the dorm on Saturday, calling ahead and saying that I have a massive amount of homework to do. I’m going to repeat that for the fifth and sixth, and then on the seventh, I’m going to say I have a huge paper to do, and I won’t be able to make it home that weekend. Then, I’ll keep calling every weekend after that and keep making excuses. And then I’ll make similar excuses for all vacations, holidays, and whatnot. When spring rolls around, I’ll stop calling every other weekend, and then stop calling altogether. And then drop off email contact. I’ll find some sort of work program for the summer, and manage to get “tied up” all summer long. And then I’ll do it again, and again, and again, until I’m out of college. Then, I go find an apartment, a job, and have a life. And then my separation is complete.

The reason for this, blog, is that this life here is killing me. I love my family because I am biologically conditioned to. That’s the only reason. My body is neurochemically designed to love these three people I live with. If I wasn’t, I would not want to spend more than five minutes with each one every month. Sometimes I still don’t want to. And if I’m to ever succeed in life, if I’m to ever make anything out of myself, discover who I am, what I’m to do with my life, what my point here is, then I have to leave all this behind. All of it. Start over, completely fresh and new. At first, it’ll be painful for all involved. But over time, I hope to be able to forget everyone else, and hopefully, they’ll forget about me, or at least put me out of their day-to-day thinking. I have no doubt that with me out of the picture, my family will be much happier, simply because I will be much happier out on my own. They won’t have to deal with my negativity day in and day out, and I won’t be negative day in and day out.

However, I am taking chances here. One of them is if they ever decide to visit, which will be very likely. If it’s on a weekend, I could just make up some excuse about how I had to go do something for my class out of town, and just hide somewhere in Farmington or something. If it’s on a school day, then… I don’t know, I’ll figure something out.

The second chance I’m taking is that the world is not this huge negative cesspit of irritation and sanity-straining bullshit. If it isn’t, if I can find my niche out there, and if I can fully develop and discover who I really am, then fantastic. But if shit is the same everywhere, with the same stupid fucking people doing the same stupid fucking things day in and day out, I don’t know what I’ll do. I couldn’t function in a society like that. I just couldn’t. The toxic atmosphere would kill me.

The third chance is that I won’t be able to make any new friends. That would be somewhat difficult to deal with, as I’d need some people to hang out with and make laugh. Because that’s just who I am. Or maybe that’s not just who I am, and the clown and joker in me is just another part of the toxic environment that’s been tainting my mind. Maybe, on the inside, I’m a really cool person. Maybe, on the inside, I’m a guy who likes to eat right, exercise, take good care of himself, study hard, put effort into a relationship, likes to read classic novels, puts in a hard day’s work, doesn’t care much for video games, and is an all-around good person with a nice set of morals. Then again, maybe on the inside I’m a fucking tunnel web spider. I don’t fucking know.

Either way, I hope shit is different elsewhere. This summer is going to suck.