Sunday, December 23, 2007

Looking Back Through Christmas Past

When you keep a blog for as long as I have, several odd things morph out of something that started as a mundane way of keeping track of events and small memories. For me, it is almost Christmas Eve, so just for fun I decided to see what I have done for all of the Christmas's since I started this thing. I find it strangely comforting that I can go back and see what I was up to on any given day in the last four years and look and laugh and feel a tad bad because the Tyson that wrote those entries didn't know what was in store for him.

In twenty-five minutes, it will be four years to the day that Becca and I were driving to her parents' house for Christmas Eve dinner and arguing the entire way about the prospect of having kids. I still don't feel that was the most appropriate time to have had that conversation and I still regret the answer I gave her, which wasn't really an answer at all, more of a way to get out of talking about it. Hindsight being 20/20, there are three or four conversation/arguments that she and I had where I still to this day think that had I said something different, so many things would not have happened that did. That Christmas Eve car ride is one of them. It makes me a tad sad but at the same time, the Tyson that argued with Becca all those times isn't the same guy that is typing this now. That entire Christmas Eve was tainted with a bad vibe thanks to that argument. So dumb to think about now, oh well. The other thing that cracks me up was in several of those Christmas time 2004 blog posts I mention the fact that we needed to move to a bigger house. That was pretty much Tyson code for "Becca and I have been bickering and arguing again" and little did I know that about a month and a half after posting those entries, I would indeed be in a different house. It cracks me up. A couple of years ago that wouldn't have been the case but now, what else is there to do?

For 2005, I barely remember Christmas. I was two weeks away from going to Japan and so many things were buzzing by me at the speed of light. I was getting scammed in my car selling on eBay and that sucked but other than that, I don't remember much. The Christmas of 2005 was a blur of people and hugs and knowing that soon, everything would change. I remember being so ready, angry, excited, sad, happy, nervous, and relieved that soon 2005 would be over and I would be very far away from everything I had come to know.

Last Christmas was much better. Reid and Karie were still in Japan and I spent the entire holiday season with them. It was probably the most laid back and relaxing Christmas I have ever had and I enjoyed all of it. I especially enjoyed getting mildly toasted on Christmas morning thanks to hot cocoa and Baileys and various other tasty beverages. Last Christmas I was pretty much back to being me and it was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I know I have quite a few Christmas holidays left in me but the Christmas of 2006 will be hard to top. It was a good time that I will never forget.

This Christmas is...well...this Christmas just is. 2004 may not have been a gloriously happy Christmas and 2005 was definitely a lonely Christmas, but I have never been truly alone for a Christmas until now. It is very strange. I can't say I dislike it, but it is definitely a change of pace from the previous 27 Christmas seasons I have had. I have an extremely hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it is Christmas time. Today, it was almost 60 degrees here and pretty sunny with a little rain. The biggest conversation I have had with someone in person over the past three days has been the Jehovah's Witness that knocked on my door earlier today. Fortunately, I have been able to talk to friends and family over the internet but it just feels strange. It also doesn't help that I haven't decorated at all this year, nor do I intend to. There is just no reason.

This will be the Christmas that I will quietly nod my head to in acknowledgment as it passes me by and then go about the rest of my business. I feel like I should do more or be more sociable but I am not sure what I would do or who I would talk to. If there was something like a volunteer kitchen for the homeless or something, I would probably go and help out there because I haven't been doing anything around my apartment or town today. It has been a desperately boring past couple of days and I am going stir crazy.

Looking forward, next Christmas is going to be very loud and very Christmasy. There will be all of the yuletide stress and noise but when I get in a bad mood around this time next year, I will have this post to look upon and realize that I am taking for granted what Christmas time is about. Christmas time isn't about rushing or pretending to be happy or even presents. It's about the people you care about and celebrating the time you get to be with them. I am not sad to be spending this Christmas by myself and no one else should be sad for me because this year is my test Christmas to help me bring focus and understanding to all of the years that follow this one.

Merry Christmas everyone and take a minute to think about the people and things in your life that make this holiday so special for you!