KDs are designed/developed/inspired/mused/auto-suggested/indigested to make folks think; an especially uncommon experience among Democrats, Republicans, and jingoistic mainline denominationalists who continue to discourage dissent with their ever-threatening thought police.

Monday, March 31, 2008

I can't recall HRC, JM, mainliners, or the media giving a damn about anything related to God as revealed in Jesus according to Holy Scripture.

@#$%

If HRC wants to connect the dots between BHO and JW as proof that his judgment and awareness are not as good as her judgment and awareness, doesn't it make sense to connect the dots between WJC and ML in a few rooms down the hall and her judgment and awareness?

@#$%

Speaking of judgment and awareness, rumor is JM is thinking about MR as his running mate.

While KDVII counseled JM to get on his knees and beg Connecticut's JL, General CP, or SofS CR to run with him, it seems the GOP's leading man is flirting with another religious ruckus.

Didn't he learn anything from the primaries?

Except for Massachusetts and Utah, everybody can see that elephant in the closet: Joseph Smith.

Hello!

@#$%

Political consultants.

I can't stomach 'em.

They lionize their employers and demonize all others; pretending allegiance and affection for a price.

Hmm.

Kinda sounds like hookers.

I ask New York to forgive me for that last line.

@#$%

I keep getting into trouble with a local hospital for depositing Christian literature in, uh, their literature racks.

It seems it's O.K. for them to put new-aged-spaghetti-headed-semi-spiritual-there's-somebody-somewhere-out-there-but-we-ain't-sure pamphlets, booklets, coupons, ads, and so on in those racks.

But literature pointing to Jesus as the way, truth, and life? No way!

By the way, guess who's most offended? The chaplains!

Geez.

I told a friend about it and he said, "Shame on you if you stop! Don't let fallen brothers be your model. You may even sting the chaplains back into the reality of who's their real boss!"

I haven't.

I'll probably get burned for it; but I'd rather be burned now than later.

@#$%

Draw the dots between the last section and the others.

The lines are blurring between church and society.

@#$%

My parents washed out my mouth whenever I used GD language.

They said it's the worst thing that could be wished for or said to anyone.

If you think about it, they're right.

Knowing how wrong I can be about so much, I prefer language related to 1 Timothy 2:3; summarily, for those who don't want to look, "Jesus saves!"

Friday, March 28, 2008

Racism will ruin this year's race to the White House and portend the empire's end.

@#$%

I don't like racists.

I can sniff 'em out like Kopper searching for a spot to poop.

Jesus doesn't like 'em.

He lived, died, rose, reigns, and will return for the colorblind of common confession.

Because He's my Lord and Savior, I'm glad we're on the same page.

@#$%

If you invite me to speak, I'll tell you how Jesus and my parents inoculated me from that virus bred in hell.

O.K., here's a preview.

My dad played baseball and football for our military elites in the 50s. When he was stationed in some redneck region of the South - could have been North though they hide it better - I wandered off into the black section to play with some children whose dads played with my dad. Two MPs spotted me and told me that I wasn't supposed to be playing there.

I asked why.

They had no answer.

They never do.

@#$%

So I've been fighting racism ever since as a father, husband, pastor, presbyter, sponsor of youth athletic teams, and President of Rock Valley [Junior] Tackle Football.

Ask.

I'll tell.

@#$%

BHO is going to get creamed in Pennsylvania because the Keystone State's T - that's the middle of the state and upper borderlines excluding greater Philadelphia and Pittsburgh and including the turf of one of America's most renowned college football programs where playing for 'em ain't the same as... - makes Alabama look like the theater district of Rockford.

@#$%

You've got to be living in the ozone layer of reality to think MH wasn't appealing to racists in South Carolina while trying to peel off votes from JM by saying, "If somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell 'em what to do with the pole" (go to "Slips" of 1/20/08).

If you think the former residents of the White House aren't injecting racial stereotypes, hatreds, and fears into their campaign's rhetoric to seduce crackers into voting for them with "slips" about the pastor disaster, being "electable" which anyone with any racial sensitivity knows is code for you know what, and not so subtle to condition the subliminal snipes about the veracity of BHO's real religion, weed ain't completely out of your system yet.

@#$%

I'm not an expert on body language, but one of 'em seems open and vulnerable, one seems forthright and fearless, and one seems ready to rip out the others' hearts.

Whenever somebody's eyes don't/won't lock with yours while she/he is talking to you,...

@#$%

A really good friend who is a black pastor, whose color doesn't matter to God or God's but does to folks who aren't in tune with Him and His, is a really good friend of BHO's pastor.

He's a little upset with me for picking on JW; and he has convinced me that he's not as good as he thinks nor as bad as I've thought.

We've agreed JW needs to apologize for the GD language; because that's the worst thing that anyone could wish/want/whatever for anybody.

Or as an old black woman, who became the first black elder of a church which didn't like my manipulation of that election and enabled my exit for bad reasons like their racism and good reasons like my stupidity and sins, counseled me, "You love 'em. Let God judge 'em."

@#$%

I preached about the resurrection of Jesus on Easter Day.

Duh.

I said, "Trying to preach about the resurrection is like me trying to follow Brian Urlacher to the beach."

I wanted to say, "Trying to preach about the resurrection is like Twiggy following Dolly Parton to the beach."

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Neil Young sang, "My life is changing in so many ways. I don't know who to trust anymore. There's a shadow running through my days - like a beggar goin' from door to door."

That's why my buddy and covenant brother Bob Griffin, author of Firestorms of Revival: How Historic Moves of God Happened - and Will Happen Again which is destined to be a classic on providing a diagnosis and antidote for the church's spiritual lethargy and cultural irrelevance, refers us to Psalm 62 with pastoral/prophetic regularity.

Trust is built on consistency; and only God is consistently trustworthy.

@#$%

If RMN had not lied about Watergate, history would be kinder to him.

If WJC had not lied about ML and so much other stuff, history would be kinder to him.

While he's making history, BHO would serve himself and country a lot better by saying, "Yeah, my pastor can be a real ____ every now and then; just like yours and just like you and me."

While she's making history, HRC would serve herself and country a lot better by saying, "Yeah, I like to puff myself up by exaggerating my qualifications for office because I was usually in the other room while he was getting down to the affairs of state and I have no doubts that I'd make the best President of the final three and anyone else out there."

While he's making history, JM would serve himself and country a lot better by saying, "Yeah, I've never been comfortable with the right wing of the Republican party and I'm not going to pretend I am now."

@#$%

Father Andrew Greeley, who writes novels which I don't read anymore because I like the trashy parts too much and writes a regular column for the Chicago Sun-Times which causes me to break the 10th commandment because I can't even get local rags or my favorite parochial website to carry these disclosures for minimal remuneration (viz., "Atta boy!"), had an interesting column on 3/26/08: "McCarthy's Shadow Spreads Over the Land."

Betraying personal prejudices and pointing a finger through a forecast of how history will record Election 2008, here are some bytes: "The United States will reveal itself to the world as a country in which a candidate can be destroyed by a single explosion on YouTube - at least if he's black...Did she plant the clip on YouTube? Well, she and her staff did everything they could to keep the race issue alive during the campaign...She even hinted by lack of strong support that Obama might not be a Christian... Before the primary in Pennsylvania, her campaign was in deep trouble. She never denounced the dirty trick. Many people suspected her...Clinton was ultimately responsible for playing the race card. She let loose the whirlwind."

Whoa.

Andrew is a priest who writes novels which make nuns blush and still has time to push the prophetic envelope on politics.

No wonder I can't get a syndicate to back me.

@#$%

Speaking of pastors, HRC said this about BHO's: "I think that given all we have heard and seen, he would not have been my pastor."

Obviously, she doesn't have such lofty standards for husbands.

Be that as it is, she better retreat from this assault on BHO's pastor disaster quicker than she ducked sniper fire in Bosnia or somebody's gonna take a long look at her loony youth pastor and continuing spiritual guru from the mainline.

Hint.

@#$%

If you don't dump your garbage, somebody's gonna dig it up.

That line about confession being good for the soul but bad for your reputation is as twisted as the partisan rationalizations of _____ (lots of choices).

Confession gets us right with God - take a look at Psalms 32 and 51 along with 1 John 1 - and disarms antagonists who are searching for our sins to discredit us.

There's no ammunition for antagonists if we fire first.

@#$%

Lying only works if we don't get caught, and everyone gets caught sooner or later; or as I tell young pastors, "Changing your story to please different constituents never works because they end up talking to each other to compare notes."

That's why RMN, WJC, and others like 'em are fairing so poorly in history.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Hypocrisy is masquerading; pretending to be who you aren't to conceal who you really are to fool others with dark intentions.

Strategies include agreeing with the last person you've talked to.

It's kinda like ending a sentence with a preposition.

@#$%

Election 2008 comes to mind.

@#$%

HRC dodged bullets in Bosnia to prove she's tough enough to lead the armies of the greatest empire on the planet; or, uh, she dreamed about it or, uh, she was having a flashback.

JM trots out folks from nursing homes to prove he's a conservative; and, uh, his press conferences are starting to look like alumni meetings for AARP charter members which, uh, may be where his true values, uh, reside.

BHO is, uh, I don't really know; but, dang, he sounds neat; and, uh, hey, he's spent a lot of time dodging bullets in Chicago so methinks he could become one of those liberals converted to conservatism after mugging.

@#$%

HRC said she was named after someone who didn't do what she said he did when she said he did it but he did do it later which was why she was named after him before he did what he did which exposes a reincarnating pathology because she was born a few years before he did what he did which was why she was named after him for doing what he did which is logical, uh, in her weltanschauung, uh, in that...

JM is a cracker.

BHO, uh, well, hmm, has a name which rhymes and reminds us of America's greatest, uh, well, hmm, current enemies; and, uh, well, hmm, it's just a testimony to our diversity.

@#$%

HRC's position on Iraq is consistently inconsistent, flexible, and evolving; depending upon the most recent polls, focus groups, and audiences.

JM is all for it for as long as it takes; or until the parousia.

BHO has always been against it because he doesn't want those chickens to, uh, roost; or whatever...

@#$%

RMN and WJC may be their real mentors.

Their mantra: "You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time. Not bad odds!"

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Finishing up at PTS in 12/76, I interviewed somewhere south of Canada and north of Pittsburgh.

Being hosted by the leading church lady in the club convinced me to look elsewhere (see KDVII); however, a cartoon from some paper in Iron City caught my attention and is tucked away in some book as a speck-inspecting caution.

It has a bald preacher inviting the congregation to pray, "And now our hearts go out for all of those pure and perfect newsmen who are searching for sin in others."

Auto-suggested righteousness is not limited to the church.

@#$%

I'm wondering if HRC, JM, and BHO will be so smeared and slandered and sullied by 11/4 that either of New York's two most recent Governors will be tempting candidates.

Well, at least they didn't do coke, oops, or, uh, inhale.

At this rate, we're going to have to discount everyone who grew up in the 60s.

@#$%

Speaking of Governors, you've got to wonder what has prompted New Mexico's to endorse BHO even after the Illinois' junior Senator's pastor disaster.

Carville's funny to us but not to Richardson Judas metaphor aside, the Governor was a major player, confidant, and buddy during WJC's reign.

What does he know that we don't know; and given BHO's JW heel, why haven't all of those big shots like TK, TD, CD, and the rest of 'em who lust for more access to the Pennsylvania Avenue palace jumped ship and aligned elsewhere?

Maybe my two insiders are right (see KDI).

@#$%

One of my VMTC mentors recently wrote to tell me that she's in the ABHRC crowd too.

I was refreshed.

Confirmed discernments are comforting even when cautionary; for, at least, we know our choices.

@#$%

Speaking of VMTC (Victorious Ministry Through Christ), it's the best instrument for severing enslaving bondages to the past and enabling holiness and total commitment to Jesus in my experience.

In short, VMTC helps people to become, as George Barna wrote in Revolution which every mainline and mega and corporate church should pass out on Sundays, "thoroughly Christian by viewing every moment of life through a spiritual lens and making every decision in light of Biblical principles...a Revolutionary Christian...reflects the very ideals and principles that characterized the life and purpose of Jesus Christ and that advance the Kingdom of God...not willing to play religious games and aren't interested in being part of a religious community that is not intentionally and aggressively advancing God's Kingdom. They are people who want more of God - much more - in their lives. And they are doing whatever it takes to get it."

If you'd like to know more about it, let me know and I'll put you in touch with one of my mentors who will tell you how to sign up.

@#$%

Getting back to Election 2008 and the worst fears attached to it, Biblical election sounds better all the time.

If you'd like to know more about that, let me know and I'll connect you to an old gray dog who's more articulate about this good news than most members of the WARC.

A Freudian lectured our doctoral class, "The irregular problem people in our lives are usually constipated. That's why they dump on you."

Yeah, they're full of, uh, something; but rarely Jesus.

@#$%

Election 2008 comes to mind.

Though most Republicans and Democrats would vote for Satan if he/she/it were their party's nominee, I'm guessing the final three will be so sullied by 11/4 that Al Gore will emerge as an alternative.

@#$%

Al Gore.

Gotta love the guy.

He invented the internet, discovered global warming, and won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Didn't baby-killing Arafat win that one too?

Dust off Meatloaf: "Two out of three ain't bad!"

@#$%

People keep asking who'll get my vote.

Lots of 'em are looking for a reason to fight; but it takes two to fight and I'm pretty good at directing 'em to a mirror.

I can live with JM or BHO; and whoever's tainted least when I cast will get it.

I don't need anybody to agree with me about everything; except in the Church where we've got to agree on Jesus as Lord and Savior to be, uh, related.

I like those two guys because I trust 'em even when I disagree with 'em; and whenever I hear her say something which contradicts what she said previously, I want to scream, "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

Skirts.

The previous one word sentence is a metaphor.

Beggars can't be choosers; so I'll settle for the other two in this, uh, limited field.

@#$%

We'll live and pray for whoever's elected; because the next President's successes and failures translate into good and bad news for everybody.

Even if what's-her-name - Gulp! Gasp! Sigh! - wins, I'll pray His best for her.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Be that as it is, he railed regularly against the pulpiteering pathology of saying nothing eloquently. He'd say, "When you are given the privilege to preach, say something for Christ's sake!"

@#$%

Dr. Macleod went home to Jesus on January 20, 2008 at 94.

Though I knew him too much better than most, which everyone is saying now that he's gone, I was surprised when he was the 7th headline on my favorite website for finding out what's really going on in my franchise on February 20 (viz., www.presbyweb.com).

He wouldn't have liked that; for he often considered himself to be "The Prince of Princeton's Preachers."

He had confidence born of competence coupled with consistent caring.

His Presbyterian Worship: Its Meaning and Method remains the standard and now classic on truly Reformed liturgics; and I'll never forget laughing with him over one of those well-done steaks at the Nassau Inn as he recalled declining his editor's request to drop "Presbyterian" from the title to increase marketability.

He was that kind of guy.

Later in life and long after we finished our doctoral connection, we got in his Cadillac on a Friday night and he said he wanted to share something which had become especially special to him.

We ended up in a Pentecostal worship service!

He wasn't afraid to drop labels when lampstands were removed.

See the quote in the first section of today's edition.

@#$%

BHO's pastor Jeremiah Wright comes to mind.

My mentor would be...[is]...horrified by the rationalizations of his crude, lewd, and lying sermons.

Geez.

They're on tape!

He did say those things and he did make Elvis' pelvic-thrusting look amateurish.

It's so pathetic to hear cultural invoked as some kind of pass, rationalization, or otherwise inane excuse for something silly, stupid, or sinful.

I'm so tired of people making excuses for pathological lying, serial adultery, and all of the rest because I don't understand that, to quote, "It's cultural."

It reminds me of the JEDP nonsense which we often referred to as the CRAP theory of the Torah's authorship.

@#$%

Knowing how some folks claim elephants are mice with glandular problems, I guess we can pretend Jeremiah Wright really didn't say what he meant or mean what he said.

Please.

Give the guy some credit.

Though he doesn't need to believe in Jesus or affirm Biblical authority to be a member of a mainline franchise like the UCC, most mainliners do graduate from seminaries with decent speech departments which are very long on style and very short on substance.

If you think he didn't say what he meant or mean what he said, go back to the first clause of this section.

@#$%

On the other hand, I'm glad Dr. Macleod is in heaven; 'cause I know he'd be upset with the mainline for employing pulpiteers, especially ones with lots of perks who work really hard on being all things to all people regardless of how it relates to Jesus so nobody really knows what they really believe and don't believe because most mainliners want it that way anyway and will take away those perks if they're salted more than salved, who have learned to say nothing eloquently.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Assiduously avoiding attempts to seduce me into debate/dialogue about the femininization of the mainline turned sideline denominations and American politics, I'm still compelled to sound the warning: "Beware of church ladies bearing gifts!"

I picked up some sociospiritual viruses from 'em as a young ecclesiastical boy wonder; and I've needed a daily injection of Jesus ever since.

Here's my psychospiritual diagnosis.

First, they inspect, detect, reject, and trumpet what's wrong with everybody but themselves.

Second, they are always right.

Third, they like to talk to pastors about everybody's underbellies; and when they're with everybody else, they like to talk about the fallibilities, foibles, and failures of pastors.

Fourth, they like to light fires so folks are distracted from seeing their lives in flames.

Fifth, they never go away.

Sixth, they've never read John 13:34 or Romans 12:3.

@#$%

I don't like the number six.

It brings bad things to mind.

With the previous tribute in mind, there's another mistake in KDVI; and you can have another one of my books which no one's buying anyway if you find it and send a preferred address.

@#$%

Speaking of apocalyptic stuff, is it just me or doesn't someone running for President bring a character in the Left Behind series to mind?

@#$%

If I were JM, I'd get on my knees and beg Connecticut's JL, General CP, or SofS CR to run avec moi.

@#$%

Watching coverage of Election 2008, I began to sing spontaneously with The Doors: "This is the end, my only friend, the end..."

@#$%

Well, go on and read Matthew 24 and Mark 13.

@#$%

I may be wrong, but I see the collective you seeing HRC as the Howard Cosell of American politics, JM looking like a charter member of AARP, and BHO being the most likeable but needing counsel on picking buddies.

@#$%

Ergo, looking for a reason to vote for somebody in November, I've developed my criteria for each aspirant.

I'll vote for BHO if he admits Jeremiah Wright is a total or near-total _____.

I'll vote for HRC if she stops wearing a Yankee hat; and for the particularly dense, that's a metaphor.

I'll vote for JM if he'll urge Republicans to read Matthew 25.

@#$%

Thinking about my criteria juxtaposed to church ladies, have you ever noticed you can never measure up to 'em until you've read the books they've read, been to the conferences they've attended, shared the same hobbies, obsess about the same stuff...?

@#$%

Pearl comes to mind.

She asked me to shave off my beard when I was 29 and still young enough to try pleasing everybody without conscience or self-consciousness.

If they're going to banter and moan about you anyway and you know you're never going to please 'em no matter what you say, do, or they assume you think, then why not pray and labor to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth according to Jesus as attested in Holy Scripture?

Monday, March 17, 2008

My dad often says, "A key to leadership is telling people to go to hell in a way that they're looking forward to the trip."

I'm not sure, but I think he means, "Just a spoonful of sugar..."

Isn't that how Paul wrote?

He'd tell 'em how great they were; and then he'd tell 'em how awful they are and that they'd better get their act together or...

@#$%

A favorite line from Fredrick Buechner comes to mind: "A prophet's quarrel with the world is deep-down a lover's quarrel. If they didn't love the world, they probably wouldn't bother to tell it that it's going to hell. They'd just let it go" (Wishful Thinking).

The junior Senator from Illinois is running away from him quicker than Democrats from New York's Governor and Republicans from GWB.

All of this talk about BHO being under Jeremiah Wright's influence is silly to anyone who has ever hung around churches. Yeah, I know JW presided at the wedding and baptized their babies and pulpiteered while BHO pewsat for about 20 years. I've been preaching for over 33 years and I still can't people to turn tips into tithes or at least tithe when they tip over 15%. Hell more than heaven, I can't even get people to be nice to each other when they disagree on stupid stuff.

So don't worry about it!

BHO is just like most pewsitters who pay no attention to the weekly homiletical offering.

@#$%

I'm not into this guilt by association thing anyway.

Why should Jesus be blamed for Christians?

Personally, I'm tired of my friends who believe in Jesus and the authority of Holy Scripture assuming I don't believe because I'm still in the PCUSA.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I like to laugh and hear it's therapeutic; and being a cleric in the mainline, there's so much material.

Here's my favorite story about our fainthearted colleagues.

A PK is sitting with his dad in the church office.

He hears his daddy/pastor say to a pro-lifer, "You're right!"

Then he hears his daddy/pastor say to a pro-choicer (euphemism), "You're right!"

As they're leaving the church, the boy says, "Daddy, they can't both be right."

Pausing as mainline clergy often do when dealing with issues that expose infidelities in a way that makes one wonder if they're having a vision or didn't make it to the restroom in time, he says, "You're right!"

@#$%

Our last presbytery meeting comes to mind (3/8/08).

I didn't go because I had a memorial service (serendipity).

It was also on Saturday.

Parenthetically, lots of presbyteries have meetings on Saturdays to boost attendance; but, uh, stats show attendance is always lower on Saturdays than any other day. Regardless of the rationalizations, isn't that a metaphor for corporate dysfunction?

Uh, parenthetically, again, have you ever juxtaposed what happens for God's sake at presbytery meetings to how much it costs to hold 'em when you factor in gas, person hours, and so on? O.K., who missed the last class on stewardship?

Getting back to my presbytery which I've written about ad nauseum as being so much better than most in a franchise that's losing members even quicker than its Biblical faith and morality, one of our particular congregations presented an overture advocating the sanctity of all human life from before the womb to after the tomb.

Or something like that.

I knew it would fail; and it did.

But as I tried to encourage the advocates, our primary call is to witness rather than win; though we'd like to win if it honors Jesus as attested in Holy Scripture.

Parenthetically, again, that's why I don't lose any sleep over this stuff and usually exit with CL to an early lunch when such things are debated; or they're holding another encounter group to discuss our connections for what we'll never do. Besides, you know Who wins in the end anyway; and we know everybody's mind has already been made up before the debates begin. Geez! We've been discussing, debating, and dividing over this stuff for decades! Indeed, I wonder about the IQ of folks who really think anyone's minds can be persuaded to Biblical stuff at this moment of unsacred history.

Simply, tell the truth according to Divine revelation and trust He'll win in the end with or without us; which, sadly, is becoming the latter in mainline franchises which approach Divine revelation with an unseemly arrogance: "I know that's what Jesus and the Bible say, but I think..."

Whoa.

@#$%

Some presbyters who pretend to be evangelicals (i.e., folks who love Jesus according to His Word) didn't have memorial services or weddings; but feigned family excuses so they wouldn't have to get off their fainthearted fences.

See the preceding joke.

@#$%

I've received a plethora of e-mails and voicemails about the meeting.

It seems there was a lot of spewing going on in the meeting; especially by folks who think abortion pleases Jesus; or, uh, really don't care what Jesus prefers which makes one wonder what the Hades they're doing at a meeting supposedly held in His honor.

Be that as it is, peace was ruptured in our presbytery.

I see a bad moon arisen...

@#$%

Paul Swedlund, a good buddy, went home to Jesus on August 17, 1994.

He fell off a mountain in Colorado.

I told him that golf was safer.

After playing with me, he went back to mountain-climbing.

Anyway, Paul is one of the reasons why I remain to be faithful. I drafted him for our franchise after seminary from the UCC; which is really going to hell quicker than us. When another franchise called him about me which happened a lot back then and seems to be happening more often again, he said, "You better stay, pal, because you got me into this mess!"

Well, Paul was to the left of me on lots of stuff except the sanctity of all human life.

In one of his last sermons, he said, "What's the difference between children you see with us on Sunday mornings and children in the womb? To God, there's no difference; and as we're expected to take care of children we see, we're also expected to take care of children we don't see."

Then he talked about pro-lifers like Francis, Mother Teresa, Henri Nouwen, and, uh, Jesus as compared to abortionists like, uh, many of our friends in the franchise; and asked, "Now tell me, would you prefer your life and the lives of your children to be in the hands of _____ or _____?"

@#$%

I'm baffled by folks who hug trees and save whales but...

@#$%

David Feherty, TV golf analyst, wrote for Golf Magazine (April 2008), "I've always found the quickest way to get to know someone is to poke them where it's uncomfortable, and watch how they react."

Friday, March 7, 2008

I've been conducting a random pseudo-scientific survey on who's already had enough of JM, HRC/WJC, BHO, and Election 2008; or, asked less aptly, "Do you wish it were over tomorrow?"

With a margin of error narrower than my mother's opinion of anyone from Arkansas who's still in the marathon, 97% of all who bite say they can't wait until it's over.

Then I remind 'em that the day after the election is about a month away from next winter.

Considering the cast of candidates, we may have a metaphor for a Narnian winter which is a metaphor for really bad news.

@#$%

Don't worry.

KD(I) has projected the best of this bad lot will win Reaganesquely on 11/4 without recounting or rigging.

What's up with the greatest empire in history coming up/down/sideways with these three as finalists?

Be that as it is, let's pray Psalm 72 for whoever's sworn in after the swearing ends; because we want His best for whoever wins because we want His best for the victims of whoever wins.

Unless you're as sick as those hyper-conservative talking heads who encourage voting for the worst of theirs as the more vulnerable to victory for theirs, you're not about to risk the inauguration of my mother's worst nightmare.

Maybe lots worked when picking Judas' successor, but I'm not about to gamble with stakes this high.

@#$%

Long before the first primary was fixed in granite, I predicted white women - especially angry ones - would vote overwhelmingly/resoundingly for HRC without ideological conscience.

Simply, I sensed HRC/WJC is the revenge of angry white women against, uh, men for a plethora of realities and rationalizations.

Always wanting to tell you so because I told you so, exit polling confirms my prognosis of gender pathologies playing a profound role in the primaries.

Ergo, women will prove to be the stronger sex in devolving American culture if HRC/WJC become(s) our next, gulp, gasp, sigh, President.

@#$%

Have you noticed every picture of HRC/WJC is with mouth(s) wide open?

May I speak to Sigmund, please?

@#$%

A woman confronted me about my thinly veiled disdain for HRC/WJC; and she is especially mad at me for suggesting her/his main constituency is angry white women.

Aside from HRC/WJC, I've got other pet peeves like restaurants charging extra for bleu cheese, slow fast food, coffee lids that don't work when you're driving after you placed it you know where, staplers without staples, fair weather fans, mainline clergy who never talk about Jesus, and especially people who love Jesus by hating others.

But because I've talked/bantered/vented/agitated/assumed/assayed so much about politics in this edition, I'll include my weariness of partisan politics.

Doesn't it strike you as intellectually dishonest or downright dense to advocate one party as absolutely pure and perfect and the other as irrevocably polluted and perditious?

Listening to too many Democrats and Republicans has convinced me that they'd vote for Satan if he/she/it were their party's nominee.

I think of mainline clergy.

They're like flies on poop when it comes to the rulings of their governing bodies; chaining faith and morality to the last popular vote.

So church and society have more than less in common these days: any connection between them and Jesus is coincidental.

@#$%

Some readers think I'm having too much fun in these KDs.

I am.

The enduring source of fun is intimacy with Jesus; for if I didn't hang out with Him more than less these days, I'd be crying all of the time as I watch mainline denominations abandon their Biblically Christocentric heritage for auto-suggested-self-indulgent ideologies which insult His holiness and help no one.

Reading Psalm 2 helps.

I tell preaching students: "Humor is intended to hook the hearer; and when you get 'em laughing, you can stick in the surgical knife of truth to save their souls before they know what hit 'em."

@#$%

O.K., so you don't like my style either.

Fair enough.

There are varieties of ways to serve Him.

It's Biblical; and it means my way is no better nor no worse than your way as long as we point to His way, truth, and life.

Moody comes to mind.

He was criticized by a mainliner for his style of evangelism; so he said, "I prefer the way I do it to the way you don't do it."

@#$%

My style got me into a lot of trouble with a very stylish church; and you can read about it in Fifteen Secrets for Life and Ministry (go to www.amazon.com or send a preferred address to me along with a promise to pay for it and I'll ship it out asap) which is running behind anything written by Warren by about a billion to one.

A truly distinguished gentleman said, "You mentioned Jesus 38 times in the last worship service. I counted."

I asked, "Did you expect me to say more about Jonathan Livingston Seagull?"

"You, my young Dr. Kopp, are a real smart___," he snapped.

"Ah," I slipped back, "I'm not that smart."

"Truth is," he went on, "you think everything is so funny; and we're just sick and tired of your iconoclastic attitudes. We've decided you're the wrong coach for our team."

A lot younger and bolder, I said, "I know ya'll used to owning people down here; but I'm a tough young boy."

"You," he said with eyes turning crimson, "have no idea how tough we are. So let's do this the easy way. How much will it cost for you to leave without a lot of fussing?"

"Well," I asked, "how much you got?"

He didn't think that was funny either.

Buy the book for the rest of the story.

@#$%

I could have handled that much better.

I didn't; and I squandered a really great opportunity to advance His kingdom in that neck of the woods.

While I still make mistakes, I'm just trying to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable with the good news of Jesus.

While I'm probably wrong on lots of stuff and trust you'll be kind enough to correct me, I'm just trying to tell the truth as personified in Jesus and prescribed in Holy Scripture...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Walking Kopper well over two hours ago, which is early enough to guarantee neighbors don't catch him pooping on their lawns, I felt reborn with fresh air in my lungs and leftover Gold Coast Blend from Starbucks in my free hand - kinda like HRC must feel today.

Sheeeeee's baaaaaack!!!!!!

Check the numbers.

If you figure 'em out, you win the prize which I'm offering to the anal in the next section.

With resurrecting/unprecedented/spectacular/inspiring/comeback-player-of-the-century semi-triumphs (count the delegates) in Ohio (Don't they always get to the big show and then...?), Rhode Island (That's like finishing 11th in the Big Ten!), maybe Texas (GWB!), but not Vermont (The saps!), Mary and James Carville have dusted off the old Elton John song which has gotta be the reincarnating mantra of the HRC road back to the White House.

If angry white men are responsible for global warming, Barry Bonds, and $4 a gallon, the polling stats of her greatest support prove angry white women may get the nomination and then get blown away in November (see KD(I) for the early results).

@#$%

Including the real CEO of our family of faith at First and at least two covenant brothers, I can be as anal as anybody when it comes to administrative stuff; especially when it comes to punctuation, spelling, and the format of my written, uh, utterances; though my grammatical style reflects Vonnegut or Dali more than MLA, Gregg, Turabian, and White.

So if you caught the spelling miscue in KD (II) which prompted this premature edition of KD or catch any in forthcoming editions, just send your name and address to me for a prize: Golf in the Real Kingdom, my second favorite book, which was marketed so poorly yet could still catch on if my publisher would sell it to someone with some creativity.

If you don't want it, I'll send a copy of The Return of the Mainline from the Sideline which will be published immediately after the Rapture.

@#$%

I've been thinking a lot about Harold.

He remains among the three best associate pastors in over three decades of my occasional corporate ministry.

Of course, we, uh, stole him from the AGers because, at the time, we couldn't find a PCUSAer who believed in Jesus and had a decent work ethic.

My, oh my, how times haven't changed.

Anyway, he often said, "The most dangerous people in the church and society are the ones without shame."

Getting back to HRC, listening to her question the veracity of JM, BHO, or even ML, PJ, and the rest of hubby's harem is like Hilton yelling at Spears, "Ho!"

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

For everyone who scoffed at my predictions for Election 2008 in KD(I), I'd like to draw your attention back to my refrain repeated ad nauseum not long after Thanksgiving and through the closing curtain for Belicheating Boston's Patriots righteous loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII: "Eli's Coming!"

Parenthetically, chip-off-the-old-block Hank Steinbrenner got it right while scorning that absurd notion of some kind of "Red Sox Nation" in Uncle Sam's neighborhood: "What a bunch of _____ that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans...Go anywhere in America, and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets; you'll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order."

"Preach on!"

C'mon, America! The Yankees are a metaphor for the good old USA - free enterprise, excellence, and, uh, buying the best.

If you hate the Yankees, you must be one of those communists, socialists, or something else un-American.

Here's another parenthesis.

If you come into my study, you'll find all kinds of Yankee memorabilia. I've even got a personalized ball signed by Jim "Catfish" Hunter who started the whole free-agency-capitalism-at-its-finest thing.

Sure, being in Chicagoland, I've got some Cubs, Bears, and White Sox stuff - a kind of freewill offering to congregants.

But if I got up in the pulpit and pretended to be anything other than a Yankees, Giants, Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Islanders, Broadway, or Rudy fan akin to some mainline clergy who have abandoned Jesus in their practical lives and ministries yet still punctuate an occasional prayer with His name like saying they'll have fries with their Whopper, folks wouldn't trust whatever I said.

It's like when I was studying in Germany in the 70s. Wolfgang Lowe, a Marxist teaching something remotely related to Christianity, put it this way when I tried to suck up to him to get good grades by quoting Karl in a paper, "Listen, Mr. Kopp. I know you're going to be a pastor or seminary professor. I know you're a Christian; so why don't you stop talking like a Marxist and start talking like a Christian? If you don't stop talking like a Marxist and starting talking like a Christian, I won't be able to trust anything that you're saying."

Hello, mainline denominations in America!

Which brings me to HRC and her would-be predecessor and purported roomie WJC.

Anyone growing up in the 60s knew WJC has integrity issues as soon as he said, "Yeah, I smoked but didn't inhale."

And when HRC took a Yankee hat out of her carpetbag to take a bite out of the Big Apple's balloting in her first unfortunately successful Senate campaign by claiming to be a fan after growing up in Chicago where all Cubs and a few White Sox fans are as rabid as those of us dressed in pinstripes, you began to understand the compatibility quotient in her new age marriage to WJC.

Sure to horrify my friends on the left and right, this is my way of saying I won't lose too much sleep if JM or BHO win in November; for while I disagree with 'em on many issues, I trust they believe what they say they believe and will behave accordingly. I have no problems with anyone who disagrees with me on anything; but I don't trust people who agree with the last person they've talked to (or ended sentences with prepositions). Or as I tell congregants and colleagues, we can disagree on everything and everyone but Jesus in His Church. For fundamentalists from the left or right who disdain that last sentence, please try to remember there's only one qualification for getting in in the end; and that's why we call Him our, uh, Savior (go to your favorite Bible right now and underline Acts 4:12; 16:30-31).

Whenever I listen to HRC flip-flop around and attack the veracity of JM or BHO, I scream in the privacy of my mind, "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"