{The Mental Struggles of Major Surgery and How to Adjust}

Posted on February 9, 2017

It’s been a little over three weeks since my shoulder surgery and to be completely honest, I’ve been extremely discouraged. Countless amounts of people warned me that the recovery for shoulder surgery is long and painstakingly difficult but for some reason I didn’t think it would be this hard for me. I know its only been three weeks but I thought I would be making more progress than I actually am. Not only is the pain and immobility a major issue, no one tells you about the mental effects of a surgery like this. For me, that has been one of the hardest parts. I know this is something most people don’t have to go through but I wanted to write this in hopes that it might help someone else going through the same thing.

After 9 days, I went to my surgeon for my post-op appointment to see how my shoulder was progressing and to get a new set of exercises to start doing each day. I had been having some major pain in my upper arm underneath my shoulder in which the doctor told me I have a large fluid pocket built up. After that diagnosis, the surgeon informed me that my incisions were healing as they should be and started examining the movement of my arm. No, thank you. That seemed impossible considering I haven’t been able to move it much at all.

After that appointment I was down for the count for the next 2 days. Besides my shoulder being tight and in pain, this fluid pocket is literal hell and it hurts with any minuscule movement. My arm is currently like a lump of deadweight that is refusing to do anything, especially straighten out.

Surgeries like this really suck… Once you’re in the clear to start doing more exercises and get PT going, you’re literally rebuilding and teaching your muscles how to perform simple functions again. When I really think of how far this surgery set me back I get so discouraged. I think, well after three weeks I should be able to do this and this again… WRONG. I am definitely making amazing progress and can do more tasks that I was able to a week ago but I’m still not able to put my hair in a pony tail… I’m not even kidding, that has to be one of the worst parts of it… Grayson will put my hair up at night but in the morning it is all messy, greasy and in my face and I’m stuck like that all day until he gets home to help me.

Like I said above, the mental effect of surgery is probably one of the worst. Not only are you in severe pain but you are limited at doing things you would easily do on a day-to-day basis, and then the depression and mental anguish start to set in. So many people have told me that this surgery is going to make me take a break and relax. but this is not relaxing and surprisingly I don’t feel like I have that much free time where I feel up to doing anything.

Trying to talk to friends or family who haven’t experienced a recovery like this don’t seem to truly understand what I’m going through or really how to help in an effective way. It’s always the same thing, you’ll be better in no time, just rest, take a pain pill, you’re doing great, its only been a few weeks…

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Here are some tips that have helped me get through this tough time –

STAY ACTIVE AND DO WHAT YOU CAN – This is one of the hardest parts considering that’s all you want to do but you can’t physically get yourself out of bed, get dressed and still have enough energy to walk around or go outside. You can do it. Get out of bed. It seems so easy, but it IS an effort. Get up, get in the bath or shower and feel refreshed! I try and do my small exercises a couple times a day so my shoulder doesn’t lock up from scar tissue build up. Mobility is the key to almost any recovery even though its the last thing you want to do. At least once a day I’ll get out of the house whether it is to go get coffee or go to lunch with a friend, and that has dramatically helped my sanity. I’ve also tried doing some squats and lunges to get my heart rate up so I don’t feel like such a fat ass sitting on the couch all day long. The doctor told me the gym was probably a bad idea this close after surgery with open/healing incisions and the fact that if I fell on the treadmill or elliptical I would be starting all over again.

STAY POSITIVE – Being positive is probably my biggest downfall at this point. After my surgery I was feeling great for the amount of work that they did on my shoulder. I could get around, I was able to eat, and I was weaning myself off the pain pills and feeling really good about where I was. Then, the fluid pocket emerged and I felt like I was moving backwards, like I had made 0 progress the past 2 weeks. This would be my current state. Frustration. My mentality the last few days is that everyday is exactly the same as the last and every week is going to be the same as that. Extremely depressing.

The pain is still pretty intense… But would I rather deal with the anguish of being in pain or the anguish of being on pain pills and REALLY not feeling like myself? I stopped taking my pain pills a week after surgery and have been taking a couple Advil and Tylenol as needed. I’m still in my brace/sling for 10 weeks but I’m able to start PT in a couple more weeks which I’m really looking forward to.

Sleeping is still an effort. I am still sleeping sitting straight up, on my back. Sometimes I can roll slightly on my left side and get comfortable but I have to prop my arm up to where it won’t move around.

Being alone and in pain is a mind f&*$. I’ve currently never felt more alone in my life…

The thought of not being able to do basic, daily tasks is demoralizing! I’m just glad I can wipe my own ass at this point! But really, I have to plan out my day on when Grayson will be back just to get stuff done that used to take me 5 minutes… Such as getting dressed on my own… I still can’t get a shirt over my head. I wanted to look really cute for lunch one day and I spent TWO hours getting ready. I showered alone, washed my hair, got it dried somehow, half ass put my makeup on with my left hand and then I got stuck trying to put a top on. I literally thought I was going to have to cut myself out of the shirt because I couldn’t move. Or how about going to the UPS store to ship packages. Well, I can’t carry them all, I can’t put them all in a bag, and no, I don’t want to ask the UPS man for help because I want to do it myself!!

I’m SICK of people helping me! Everywhere I go, everything I do, can I help you with that… NO! Please, just let me try to do it on my own. And if I can’t I will most likely throw a fit and want to cry and then ask for help.

This experience has made me so fragile and weak that I want to cry at everything. I get so frustrated and down on myself that all I want to do is have a pitty party and go cry in the closet or in the bath. I’ll be watching TV and a stupid insurance or car commercial comes on and it seriously makes me want to just break down. I mean, WHO AM I??? I don’t cry at stuff like this! I’m like a hormonal pregnant person who’s not pregnant!

I can’t work. If you know me, you know how hard this is. Yes, I have a blog and most people think that’s all I do for work but I own my own company and actually have a very demanding job that takes a lot of physical and mental awareness. I’ve had to turn down so many jobs because of this surgery and I am beyond grateful for the agencies that are waiting for me to recover so they can use me. The blog is also hard to maintain as well… I’m not able to change clothes to go shoot any new content so I haven’t been able to take on any new collaborations besides the one’s that I previously shot for, thankfully!

Find a friend or therapist because they will keep you sane. Staying positiveis something that I am working hard on every single day. I have such an amazing husband who helps me out 24/7 with whatever I need and one of my best friends went through the exact same issues when she shattered her leg in a skiing accident. I am so grateful to have a friend that truly understands what I am going through and she has given me some helpful advice on how to get through this hard time. She has been a life saver and I owe her so much for all of the help she has given me. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without the empathy from someone else who has been through the same recovery.

BE REALISTIC – This would not be me… I thought I would have progressed further than I have and even though people told me that this would take months and months to recover, that’s just not the case. PLUS, everyone is 100% different. Take it slow and take your time. Every time I talk to the surgeon I have more and more questions. When can I get out of my sling? When can I start PT? When can I get back to the gym? I have no idea when I will be back to normal and realizing that is the hardest part. It is teaching me to take my life day-by-day and not get discouraged because this is all to be expected. This recovery is SLOW and difficult.

Overall, don’t let your thoughts become your worst enemy. Pain WILL wear down your ability to stay positive and you start thinking you won’t get better. Try and continuously think positive thoughts. Mind over matter is true in these types of cases so use it to your advantage!

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34 Comments

Jeffrey Dorrell

February 9, 2017 at 2:24 am

I so know what you are going through. I, too, was told that my recovery would be difficult and painful. I, too, failed to grasp the full extent of those limitations. I celebrated the tiniest milestones: the first time I could reach the soap dish in the shower, the first time I could wash my hair with my right hand, the first time I could hold a coffee cup and lift it to my mouth, the first time I could thread a belt through the loops on the back of a pair of pants (over a year for that one). It has now been four years, and I am still reaching new milestones. Just the other day, I was able to sleep laying my head on my right forearm for the first time. There is no one who can appreciate how difficult this is without having gone through it. Patience is not my long suit, but I learned a lot of it. I simply had no choice.

Kendahl

February 9, 2017 at 2:26 am

Hi! I love your blog, and I am sorry recovery has been tough. It’s mentally & physically just awful. I have had two shoulder surgeries (I’m 24) and the recovery is so tough (and long, like months on months). I felt so much of what you’ve talked about. I promise, despite the process being SO slow it does get better! Its’ amazing what a victory it is to be able to touch your head. It’s slow, but you can do it. 🙂 Good luck!!!

Julia

February 9, 2017 at 2:30 am

Hey there!
I am a recent transplant to Austin and love your blog! Your recovery story is inspiring and I think you’re such a trooper. Hang in there and know it’s ok to have those breakdowns and let the angst out. Thank you for sharing your

Julia

Laura Clymore

February 9, 2017 at 2:32 am

You are so strong girl. I’ve never had the surgery, but I’ve been the PT working with the patients who’ve endured what you’re going through right now. It is 100% mental. Your BODY will heal. You’re young and healthy, your body will do it’s job and heal…slowly. It’s the mental aspect that is more debilitating. Just know you’re doing better than you think you are. I wish I could give you rainbows. But the ugly truth is, shoulder surgery, especially one as extensive as yours, just sucks. Keep doing what you’re doing; find joy in little milestones. Get creative with your post op wardrobe-lots of slip on maxis maybe? And what about photo shoots for shoes or accessories? You could still do those, IF you felt up to it of course, and your shoulder wouldn’t be a part of the shot. Either way, {que cliche phrase} hang in there. You WILL heal. You WILL regain your independence. Praying for you in the upcoming weeks. Prepare yourself for PT-it’s going to hurt. Again, I wish I had more rainbows lol. Sorry. But it will help you get better so stay tough and positive! And LET PEOPLE HELP YOU! Lol. It doesn’t make you weak. It just means you had a ridiculously awful should surgery and need some assitance for a short while. ☺️ Prayers and positive vibes headed your way!

I have no idea what you’re going through. I had a gum graft surgery this year and thought it was the worst thing ever: but it wasn’t nearly as brutal a recovery as this. But I’m commenting because HOLY SH*T your writing has truly become amazing. Maybe memoir is your genre Wish I had more post op advice but it sucks. There’s no way around that. You’ll come out stronger, no doubt. But that doesn’t numb the pain. All my best.

Hi! I had a painful hernia repair surgery, and pain killers don’t work on me, so the recovery was excruciating. And the alone, isolated feeling is so utterly depressing! I won’t go into my details, but I know what you’re going through. Anyway, I looked forward to the dog walker coming daily so I would have someone to talk to in the kitchen for a few minutes every day. I know you don’t want help, but I would love to come do your hair in a nice ponytail for you and teach you some easy steps to do makeup with your left hand. I could also help with cute hair ideas that will be easy for you to do on your own. Just let me know and I’ll be there. Hang in there!!

Grayson Goff

Laura

February 9, 2017 at 3:14 pm

Grayson’s comment made me LOL!
You are such a strong and wonderful woman; I know how hard it must be to feel so limited right now. I know it’s been awhile, but if you need a friendly face to stop in and fix your ponytail, I gotcha! (Even if you’re in pajamaramas and haven’t showered. Heck, I’ll come over in my own jammies!)
Stay strong – you got this!!!

Pam Dorrell

February 9, 2017 at 3:55 pm

Your post is great. You shared your ups and downs and provided advice to others which will help them deal with their own post-op struggles. I think this is mentally effecting you so much because you are such an independent person. You have always taken care of things yourself and not being able to do even the little things is depressing. Just keep doing the little things to brighten your day. But most importantly, please accept help from others. You can’t do this alone. People care about you and truly want to help. I wish I lived closer so I could come visit and help you with things. I love you! Mom

Such a well written post! I’ve had to go through physical therapy before and know the struggle of rebuilding that muscle…it sucks and hurts. Keep on trucking because the light at the end of the tunnel will be here before you know it!

I think it’s amazing and honorable that you are being so real about your struggles. I’m so sorry you are having a hard time and I know for a fact I would be too, if I went through this. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about you from following you for a short time, is that you’re a TOUGH woman!! I have thought that from the beginning and it’s always been a quality I’ve admired of you. I have no doubt that you will get through it and in the meantime, you are helping others by sharing your heart. The mental game is the worst. Probably worse than the physical pain, I would imagine. I’ll be praying for you, Ashley!

Thank you so much for sharing your tips. I have never had surgery before but this was such a well-written and thoroughly explained post that I can fully empathize with what you are experiencing. You have an amazing outlook and even though I know it must be hard it’s great that you’re putting such a positive spin on your pain and using your platform to educate others about this little-known issue. Wishing you the best for a speedy recovery!

sarah lindner

Ugh I so know what you’re going through because I’m experiencing it right now too! I had oral surgery pretty much the same time you had your shoulder surgery and I *still* can only have liquid foods and the bottom of my face is swollen and numb/painful (and I can hardly talk haha). I’ve tried to just ‘relax’ too, but honestly this is wayyyy harder than I ever thought it would be! I thought I’d be able to do a lot more things by now for sure, but it’s just so slow! I have a hard time getting anything done too and want to cry all the time! Hang in there girl!

I am so sorry you are going through this! In high school I broke both of my arms at the same time and had to have surgery on one arm, so I definitely can relate to what you are going through. It is tough to not be able to do normal stuff and feeling like you should be further along in your progress. It all just takes time but you are stronger than you think you are (mentally and physically) and will get through this! Sending positive thoughts your way! xo

Ruthie

February 15, 2017 at 6:07 am

One of the things I have always loved about your blog is your realness. You are so transparent I love it. I could literally see everything in your day! You literally could write a book you’re such an excellent writer. But besides that I want to commend you for all that you’ve done and all that you’ve been through. I know that it might seem that you’re not doing that great but you’ve come very far in three weeks!!! I know some of the feelings that you felt of people always trying to help you and not being able to work. Not being able to take on collaborations… I can’t imagine but I do know that this is temporary and I want to encourage you to hang in there. These are amazing tips and again thank you so much for shedding light on the mental struggles because it’s real.

Meghan

July 1, 2017 at 11:23 am

Oh man was this a great post. I am currently in a sling, recovering from shoulder surgery. The mental struggle is real! I have 7 kids at home and even though I prepared meals ahead of time and had everything lined up-it’s been SO hard AND the pony tail thing! Yes! Thank you for the smile this morning. It feels nice to know there are others out there who understand.

I am SO glad my post helped a little! I really needed an outlet to express how I felt because there was literally no one that understood what I was going through. Keep your head up! It DOES get better but it is SLOW AS HELL!! Just be religious with PT when you are able to go and you will get your hair up in no time!! That was literally my ONLY goal with PT. ha! 🙂

Catherine Dowhan

August 2, 2017 at 2:22 am

Saw your blog, needed it tonight! I’m at ten weeks, total shoulder replacement. Three times a week PT in morning and moving around in pool most afternoons. At 73 I walk two plus miles a day, physically healthy., weight fine, used to being very independent! My progress seems so slow but I know I am making progress but am still so sore, love ice pack in evenings. I needed a boast in mental patience….thank you,

Hey Catherine – Keep your head up! It does get better but it also takes so much time which is a bummer. I am about 7 months out and still have some trouble with mine but am 95% recovered. Stick with PT and you will start seeing progress faster and faster! I’ll be thinking about you!!