Adventures of a Single Girl…

“Bachelors” and Their Snipped Bits

With the end of The Bachelorette last week, a big topic has come up in conversation: whether Stu should have told Sophie earlier about still being legally married, and that he’s had a vasectomy.

Lots of my female friends were outraged about that. Some of them are married, and aren’t quite up to date with the ways of the current dating world.

I tried to explain to some of them that neither of those revelations is all that surprising, but first of all I had to defend his decision not to have told her sooner.

The Bachelor/ Bachelorette franchise is such an unusual way of meeting someone. I’ve never been on the show, but I’ve watched many series, from all over the world. Last season, Matty J found out quite late in the series that two of the girls had working the adult entertainment industry. It caused a stir in the real world, as did Stu’s news.

Okay, not the best pic, but I luff him anyway 🙂

Time is Not on Their Side

But, if you think about it, the contestants don’t get a lot of time with the one they’re there for. They might get 5 or 10 minutes at a rose ceremony before they’re interrupted by another suitor. Or, if they’re lucky to be chosen for a single date, they spend time ooing and aahing over the scenery and the amazing date that the producers have arranged. There are scene changes, outfits which need to be chosen and put on and long gaps between half of the date and the next part.

The one on one time can be limited, and it might not be the right setting to make revelations. And you know what? I wouldn’t necessarily feel like revealing such personal things about myself when I know the guy is dating 15 other women. He might not be revealing himself to me enough, and the thought that he’s telling all the girls the same story- or not- would have crossed my mind too.

Additionally, if I’ve only spent 5 minutes alone with him here and there, not enough trust has been built up for me to tell him, because I barely know him! I completely understand why those women, and Stu, didn’t reveal these parts of their life.

Nothing on my ring finger, nothing up my sleeve….

Dating and The ‘Married’ Man

I’ve dated quite a few guys who were still married. When I was married, I would never have dreamed of doing that, but it’s different when you’re post marriage.

I also thought that I wouldn’t date until my divorce came through, but that was another thing I changed my mind about when the time came. I wanted to have children, and I couldn’t do that with my husband, so I needed to start dating again so that I could, hopefully, find someone with whom to have them. That meant that I couldn’t wait the obligatory one year and one day, and that’s from the date you’ve lived apart, not just from the day you decided to split.

And deciding to split is one thing, setting the wheels of a divorce in motion is a whole different story. Not all divorces are smooth sailing- in fact, few of them are. It can take time and breathing space to get through the initial shock of separation from the person you’ve been with for many years, and to get used to living this new life of yours. And then to have to go back and make it official? That’s a whole other battle that people rarely do without a great deal of mental and emotional preparation.

I’m not flush with money, and I don’t have children. I can only imagine that having either would make divorce even more difficult.

And in Stu’s case, he’s got both. Apparently, he has buckets of billions of dollars, and he has four daughters.

There are plenty of men out dating, who are still legally married. It’s not a quick process to get a divorce, and in lots of cases the marriage was over a long time before they split with their wife. So, they see no reason not to go out and date. This is definitely one of those situations that you can judge all you like, but when you’re in it, it’s a whole different story.

If I stopped dating guys who are separated but not divorced, I’d have run out of guys a long time ago. As long as I’m fairly sure that they’re not still with their wife, and are planning to divorce in future, they’re eligible, as far as I’m concerned.

That’s gotta hurt!

Snip, Snip

I’ve encountered many separated or divorced men who’ve admitted to having had a vasectomy. Generally, they’ve told me that when they were married, they and their wife had decided not to have more children, so he’d agreed to the snip. It’s widely accepted as the less invasive (though I’m sure a few of my male readers are cringing right now) as the corresponding procedure for their wife.

And, this means, that if the marriage ends, he’s out in the dating world, all snipped up and with no sperm to give.

It’s a shame for the women they meet who are still searching to have children with, but it’s not impossible. Reportedly, vasectomies can be reversed, so all is not lost.

Revealing such information to a woman they’re dating, with whom they’re bonding, and who has revealed her desires, can be very difficult. He knows it could be a deal breaker, and perhaps even a heart breaker. He might still be mourning the end of his marriage. Having to bring up a decision which was so inextricably tied to his previous relationship might be something he’s in no hurry to do- particularly on national television!

The upshot of it is, Stu is more than his vasectomy or divorce and I can certainly see why he would be in no rush to bring up either topic, especially in such a fledgling relationship.

I have to say, I was a huge fan of Stu from the moment he stepped out of the helicopter and I knew that he’d be perfect for Sophie. I’m glad they got together, and wish them well but if it doesn’t work out, and any of my loyal readers know him, well, he can contact me right here at Dating Kit, with or without the divorce cert and swimmers!