Since the last time I’ve posted. My life has changed. I’m scared shitless. I’ve given notice at my current place of employment after five years of being with them. I leave in 8 weeks. I’m going for a 6 month trip. I can’t believe I just up and decided to go! Life is crazy!! I wonder what the next six months will hold for my son and I. All I can do is hope for the best.

I am excited to not have to wake up at the crack of dawn to go to work for 10 hours a day. It will be nice to just be a mom. Not have anyone tell me what they think I am doing wrong with my child. How I fail as a parent because I bought a radio flyer wagon that is apparently over the top. Did I mention it was on sale and was of better value to choose the one I did. So yes, I bought it. I’m so tired of having my positives be knocked down with negatives. I will not apologize for being a mother who spends money on her child. Especially when it isn’t over buying. I want my child to have the things I did growing. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that. I could be “that mother” that puts partying, alcohol and drugs ahead of my child. But I’m not.. so far from being “that mom”. Instead I work 40 hour weeks. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I spend time with my child and I enjoy seeing him enjoy his wagon etc.

I am so ready to get away from all the bs. Let my child be a child and not have to shush him because it annoys others. I can’t wait to finger paint with him finally. I will be able to do everything I want with him without having to panic that we get caught making a mess.

Ugh… I need this freedom to watch my child be a child. I can’t wait for this next chapter. Two months is going to take forever to go by.

I’m having a hard day. I feel beaten down and tired. We have fought with immigration for over two years. We were denied our application for a K1 Visa one week before Christmas 2013 by the USA (Fiancé Visa). After two years of waiting for it to be processed. I am at my wits end. I have raised our child on my own since his birth. He is almost 15 months old. He’s father has only been able to spend 4 months of his life with him. It’s ripping us apart as the seams. I’ve cried so many nights and have dropped to my knees in exhaustion. How could we be denied, we did everything they told us. We even have a lawyer and we followed the proper steps. We did everything legitimately. Why us?? Why does my son have to grow up with out his father.. not by choice. Why do I have to parent alone? Why does my fiancé have to miss out on the crucial years of his son’s life?

These are questions I’ve asked myself daily. I’ve stopped my life to wait for something that never came. I didn’t move into my own home and created a nursery. I didn’t buy matching furniture for our son. I waited to buy a car. I didn’t make any plans because I didn’t want it too affect moving. I had over 50 boxes saved to pack all of our things. I downsized my belongings to move so we could take all of my sons belongings. I sacrificed and sacrificed day after day in hopes we would be together as a family. With each passing month.. my heart broke. I’ve never been so hurt in my life. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother, a parent and fiancé. I didn’t get to do the nesting phase for my child.. that in itself rips my heart out. I’ve missed out on all the wonderful things I hear other parents rave about. I instead stressed about where I would live with a newborn since I had secured a place to live. I wasn’t able to work because I was very ill while pregnant. I was on a strict budget. I stressed and stressed when I should have been nothing but excited and full of life during my pregnancy and after birth. I didn’t have any help after my fiancé left two weeks after birth. I now know what single mothers go through and I respect them all so much. It isn’t easy. It hasn’t be easy. I was lucky that I have family who took us in and have helped us on this journey. I would have been lost without my family.

None of this is by choice. It’s in the hands of people that know nothing about us that make whatever decision they want. Was our application denied because this person was having a hard day themselves? You never know. Why did I have to meet an American and not someone from Canada right? We can’t help who we fall In love with. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have a child from this. I wasn’t suppose to carry a child. This was meant to be. So why are we fighting so hard to be able to be a family in a country that believes we are not worthy of this right?? Why not try the process of moving my fiancé to Canada instead. After 3 years of fighting we know more about the American side of immigration. We will continue to fight to be together as a family because we have the right to raise our son together. In a loving and caring environment as he deserves to have this experience.

This experience isn’t over. It has been the hardest experience of my life on this earth. I have never been so beat up and emotionally exhausted. All I want is to be a family and be in an equal partnership and co-parent daily. I feel as though that our looks have made people cast judgment upon us. We are what some would considered heavily tattooed and pierced. Yes, we look different but we are honest people. We don’t do any drugs what so ever. We barely drink and when we do it’s for special occasions. We have taken a natural approaching to caring for our child and ourselves. We are “boring” as some of our friends would say. We are still in our late 20’s and don’t party or leave our child to go and party. We are responsible people just trying to live our lives in this cruel world.

I just want to be a family.

I just want to wake up next to the love of my life everyday.

I want my fiancé to watch his son grow daily and experience all the precious things our son does.

I want to be happy and not sad that I am forced to wait for this to happen.

I want to stress about normal things, not about never knowing when we will be together.

And most of all, I want to end the arguments that we have over the immigration process. We take our frustrations out on one another when we shouldn’t be. We don’t have many people who understand what we are going through so we have little ability to vent to people that get it.

To anyone who has had problems immigrating… I feel your pain. I hope that you will one day be reunited with your loved ones. To be able to enjoy a life without stress.

I pray that this chapter in my our lives will close soon, so we can begin a new chapter.