Fox – A Colorado second-grader may be suspended from his elementary school after he disobeyed a key rule of no weapons, real or imaginary, when he tossed an imaginary grenade Friday during recess and went, ‘pshhh,’ to indicate that the imaginary device detonated, KDVR.com reported. Alex Watkins,7, who attends Mary Blair Elementary in Loveland, said he was playing the game “Rescue the World.” He plays the role of a heroic soldier out to rid the world of an evil threat. His duties led him to throw the imaginary grenade into a box he pretended contained evil forces. He said he didn’t make any threats and was playing by himself, KDVR.com reported. The school has a list of ‘absolutes’ that states no weapons, even if they’re imaginary. A phone call Tuesday morning from FoxNews.com to the school was not immediately returned. “Honestly, I don’t think the rule is very realistic for kids this age,” Mandie Watkins, Alex’s mom, told KDVR.com. “I think that when a child is trying to save the world, I don’t think he should be punished for it.”

I have a question. Does GI Joe still exist? Is that like still a cartoon on TV? Because I was a GI Joe freak as a kid. Just battling it out with Destro every fucking afternoon. Doing naughty things to Lady J on the side. I assume that’s all illegal now? Kids can’t play with action figures or army figures or pretend to be a hero anymore because a couple nutcases have shot up schools. I mean that’s what’s happening here right? This kid is doing what every kid in the history of civilization has done. Pretending to save the world and now he’s getting suspended for it. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though because we seemingly have a new story like this every fucking day. It’s school officials 101. Enforcing zero tolerance policies that ignore logic and reason and go against everything teaching should be about. Primary using your brain.

PS – Awesome move by the mother letting her son get interviewed in camo by the way. Smooth. Maybe next time stick a turban on him for the interview.

I have a shocking confession to make. I think I’m actually starting to like feminists. I just get a kick out of seeing what they’ll protest next. Whether it be Brent Musberger saying Katherine Webb is pretty or that the Florida Economic Board’s logo is sexist because it has a tie in it. They just never cease to amaze me. It’s a constant game of who can top this with pure unadulterated insanity. I swear these dykes will protest anything, anytime, anywhere. In fact just this past weekend I had a new group of feminists up my asshole. That’s right I hate hockey feminists all up in my shit because of that hockey blog I wrote on Friday. Yeah I guess hockey feminists is like a thing? Either way it was unlimited entertainment. See the the best thing about feminists is that they have no sense of humor. None. They want to be taken seriously so bad that they’ve lost all grip on reality. You call them toots once and they are completely immobilized. They can’t tell you are fucking with them. I think it’s because feminists like all women lack a sarcasm bone. Just can’t pick up on it for the life of them.

DM – A grandmother has been arrested after she forced two children who were making too much noise at a sleepover at her house to walk home alone at 4.30 a.m. Barbara Aiello, 71, has been charged with two counts of risk of injury to a minor after she made the boys, aged 11 and 10, walk home in freezing temperatures on Sunday so she could get some sleep. Aiello said she did not have telephone numbers for the boys’ parents, who live in the same complex as she does in Middletown, Connecticut, and ‘did not think’ to drive them home. She said the boys, who she thought were 12 or 13, were being very rowdy – to the point that things were falling from shelves in other rooms. The noise continued even though she asked them to stop. ‘I said you you and you out. Everybody out,’ Aiello, who has been raising her 14-year-old grandson Christopher since his father died last year, told NBC Connecticut. ‘I opened the door. Not thinking. Not realising the time. I was angry and said “go home”.’ She added that she was feeling stressed as her husband is in intensive care at Middlesex Hospital following a stroke. The boys walked down the hill from Aiello’s home and arrived at their own houses safely. Police said the temperature at the time was a biting 23 degrees. At 8.30 a.m. the next morning, one of the boys’ parents woke to unexpectedly find her son home. She alerted the police, who arrested Aiello. She was handcuffed, fingerprinted, photographed and left sitting in a cell, she told NBC. ‘I felt like I had murdered somebody. That’s how I was treated,’ she said.

Not sure who I hate more here. These little shit kids who were destroying an old ladies house at 4:30 am and not shutting the fuck up, or the parents of those little shit kids who called the cops when they found them at home safely. Oh look, here is my kid, safe and sound, not a scratch on him…better get police involved. I think that grandmother who’s raising her grandson and has a dying husband needs to get arrested. That’s just how parents in this country are right now. Nobody’s kid is ever in the wrong. It’s always someone else’s fault. Little brats won’t shut the fuck up at 4:30 am? Have no discipline, manners or respect? Oh but that’s not the point of this story. The point is that an old lady made them walk thirty seconds to their own bed. What a monster! Better make her the villain or people might find out what shitty parents we are. Maybe next time those kids are knocking shit off the shelves at somebody else’s house they’ll remember what 23 degrees in the middle of the night feels like and change their tune.

PS – Was there anything better as a kid then sleeping at a friend’s house whose parents didn’t give a fuck what you did? It was either your really poor friend or your really rich friend. Either one the parents were just like fuck it, do whatever you want. Legendary nights of Sega and Sour Patch Kids.

I know Jerry and I get accused of beating a dead horse around here. That we say the same thing about the Pats every year for the past decade. That win or lose we’re lucky to call ourselves Patriots fans. That it doesn’t matter who wins the superbowl we’re always going to be the team that everybody circles on their calendar. The team that keeps people awake at night. Well the facts are it’s true. Yeah I know we haven’t won it all now in 8 long hard years. I know it feels like an eternity. But the bottomline is this. In an era where parity is king and the NFL strives for equality the Pats have been to 5 superbowls in 12 years, 7 AFC title games and have won 10 division titles. Before every season begins we know we already can pencil ourselves in for the AFC title game at the very least. We know that if we don’t win it all than the entire season is viewed as a gigantic waste of time. We know that every year when the season starts anew we are going to be the favorites to win the Superbowl. It’s been that way for a decade now and as long as Brady and Belichick roam our sidelines it will remain that way. Does it suck we lost? Of course it does. Would I trade places with Ravens fans today? Not in a billion years.

Just in case you think this is fake it’s not. ESPN really just reported this as breaking news. Manti Te’o taking an indefinite leave from twitter to concentrate on the draft. Kind of werid right? I would have thought that whole catfishing thing would have done the trick but I guess not.

DM – A tiger killed its trainer during a circus performance in northern Mexico, it emerged today. Footage posted on YouTube purportedly shows the trainer, American Alexander Crispin circling two tigers during his act for Circo Suarez in Sonora state. One of the animals then lunges towards the 35-year-old and pulls him to the ground. Mexican news agency Notimex reported Mr Crispin suffered neck injuries from bites and scratches on Saturday. He was taken by ambulance to the Red Cross hospital Huatabampo, Sonora where he died while receiving medical care, as a result of hypovolemic shock.

Look it’s never good when someone dies, unless they’re a bad person like a rapist or something and then who cares? This guy wasn’t a rapist so it’s obviously kinda tragic. But at the same time is it really? It’s very difficult for me to have sympathy for people who cage and exploit on of the planet’s most ferocious killers and then have something bad happen to them. Probably should have seen this coming. Tigers aren’t supposed to be a circus show dude. That’s not how nature drew it up. I mean go ahead and do your thing but when you get mauled to death it’s nobody’s fault but your own. Think a tiger gives a fuck about you? Nah. That thing just wants to be in a huge field hunting antelope, not giving paw in a cage. So sorry you died but not really.

The Sun – NORTH Korea has poached Michael Jackson’s peace anthem We Are the World to soundtrack a chilling video showing a US city under missile attack. The bizarre footage, uploaded on the secretive state’s official webpage, comes as Kim Jong-un prepares for an “imminent” nuclear weapon test. The propaganda movie depicts a smiling lad dreaming of a regime rocket being launched into the air and travelling to America. The three-and-a-half minute vid then shows a mystery city full of skyscrapers being attacked with multiple explosions, while the Stars and Stripes flag flutters in the background. Captions on the screen written in Korean say: “Somewhere in the United States, black clouds of smoke are billowing.

Who the fuck does North Korea think they are? You can’t just make a youtube of yourselves nuking the United States. What’s that shit all about? See this is why I couldn’t be President because I would have already bombed North Korea into outer space by now. Like you guys talk about having nuclear weapons? Well we got em pal and I ain’t afraid to use them.

Seriously why is it all you ever hear about is the Middle East? We invaded Iraq for nuclear weapons they didn’t even have meanwhile these fuckers are openly taunting us? Do we just not give a shit because they don’t have oil or something? I want these fuckers dead. This video is an act of war as far as I’m concerned. Blow em up. Pick up the pieces later.

PLANO (CBS 11 NEWS) - A Dallas woman has filed suit against LA Fitness for comments and exercises her trainers made her do. She says they were sexually suggestive. Jaimie Johnson went to LA Fitness in Plano to get fit. But she says two personal trainers talked to her in ways that are unfit for anyone. She says, she questioned one trainer when he asked her to do “strange exercises.” “He would answer bluntly, ‘So, I can see your chest move while you do it. And, not in an exercising kind of way. More in a sexual way,” Johnson said. But she said nothing. She just stopped going only to return for a new trainer. But the new trainer also made sexually suggestive comments, even sending her a vulgar text. That was back in June. She hasn’t been back since. When she contacted LA Fitness corporate offices and complained, they offered her $400. Johnson was paying $200 a month and she had signed a two year contract. She filed a suit saying Jamie Johnson had suffered traumatic emotional distress and couldn’t function through her daily activities. And, because of that, her husband suffered too. Johnson said she tried going back to a gym regularly but hasn’t been able to. “I would like to have these guys realize they can’t treat women this way,” she said.

You don’t have to be Jackie Childs to defend LA Fitness here.

But your honor as you can clearly see in exhibit A Miss Johnson is ugly as shit.

Exhibit A

So either my clients did not say what they are accused of saying or they did said it and she LOVED the attention. But there is no fat chick in the history of fat chicks who has ever been hit on by a trainer and been upset by it. Fatties love attention 1 million percent of the time. So either she’s lying or she’s lying.

And the answer is Courtney from the Zoo. Springfield is the only show this week with tickets still available. I think there are still like 200 left there or something. Kind of weird it is going to sell out last, but I have no doubt it will be legendary. Because I swear every able bodied man and woman ages 18-21 within a 10 mile radius of Springfield is going to this thing. Even the forecasters have taken note saying it may be a blizzard Friday. Son that ain’t no blizzard. That’s foam on the radar.

For all you Umass Stoolies we got free buses with a ticket. Enter the code BUS when buying and you’ll be hooked up with free transportation from Buses 2. Click here for all the details

Do you know any last minute smokes who need to party for free? Send them to tips@barstoolsports.com

That might literally be the softest fall I’ve ever seen on a ski mountain. Not even a full yard sale. You take one lift up Killington and you’ll see at least 5 Asians in jeans fall 100 times harder than this. Reason #10994482 chicks shouldn’t play sports, I guess. It’s like a national nightmare because she took a bunny slope spill. Getting reactions like this

And getting airlifted off the fucking mountain

That fall was maybe hard enough to break a nail. Certainly not bad enough to tear your ACL. You just angle your skis perpendicular to the mountain, get up, ski down, grab a beer and get back out there and do it again. Such a simple solution but since it doesn’t involve online shopping chicks have no idea what to do and have to get rescued by a bunch of mountain men.

NESN – 9:09 a.m.: You’d be hard-pressed to find a vehicle that stirs up the type of emotion that the Red Sox’ 18-wheeler does every winter. Excitement, angst, optimism, pessimism, skepticism — you name it, and there’s someone in New England feeling it right now in regards to the Red Sox. Overall, though, if you’re a Red Sox fan, there are plenty of reasons to enter this season with a great deal of hope… this year’s team is undoubtedly more talented, and the guys brought in are going to make this an exciting bunch, as well as one that’ll be very easy to root for. GM Ben Cherington has been extremely busy this offseason, tapping into the open market to nab a number of free agents. However, he has done so with his eyes fixated on the types of players who will not only bring a great deal of talent to the ballpark every day, but who will also play the game with the passion that Sox fans expect game in and game out. The culture change will begin and end with skipper John Farrell. He was the guy Boston wanted all along, and he immediately commands a great deal of respect within the clubhouse. Farrell has also had a busy offseason, as he’s traveled all over the place in order to reconnect — or connect for the first time — with some of the guys.

Believe it or not, there was a time when I actually kind of liked Truck Day. Not that I was standing of Fenway freezing my nads off and cheering like an idiot while the stupid thing pulled away. But in the middle of a bleak winter, a part of me felt good knowing baseball weather was on it’s way. And as often as not the Red Sox gave you a reason to look forward to the season. So Truck Day was a minor, goofy little distraction, like the L Street Brownies doing their New Year’s Day swim or Puxatawny Phil. A moment on the calendar you thought about for 10 seconds then forgot about.

Leave it though to this ownership to turn Truck Day into… A Tradition. A smarmy, insufferable Tradition. Leave it to them to turn a harmless little event into a chance to pander to the worst instincts of the most insipid Pink Hats among us. For Larry Lucchino to sell cookies. I mean, just read that paragraph. That’s pure press release disguised as a news item. I know the Sox own NESN. But they used to be a little bit independent. Now they’re not even trying to pretend they’re anything other than just the Sox PR department. Writing is like DNA; everyone’s is different. And that reads exactly like it came from Larry Lucchino. It’s sounds just like pitch to season ticket holders about “friendly Daniel Nava” and “affable Will Middlebrooks” and “spunky Ryan Kalish” or whatever the hell he wrote. Just pure unctuousness of the worst kind. And it’s so typical of this group. So instead of feeling all this optimism and reason for hope they’re talking about, they’ve just reminded me they did jack squat this winter. And all we realistically have to look forward to is irrelevance combined with these North-Korean-government-run-press-like reports to convince us everything is super swell, the sellout streak is alive, John & Linda are soulmates and by the way you can still buy a brick. So they’ve turned a fun little piece of nothing like Truck Day into another cynical chance to sell the fiction. And instead of enjoying it, I’m hoping the goddamn truck runs runs over all the phonies there to watch it. And if it does, under “Cause of the Accident,” investigators can write “metaphor.” @JerryThornton1

DM – If you thought some of the events in the London 2012 Olympic Games looked gruelling then think again. These bizarre pictures show competitors taking part in India’s Rural Olympics. And the sports are not for the fainthearted. Games include being run over by farm machinery, bullock chariot racing, horseback acrobatics and other weird demonstrations of strength. Formally known as the Kila Raipur Sports Festival, competitors range in age from teenagers to pensioners. There is even a 100metre race for the over 80s.

Was never a fan of the Olympics. Kinda bores me. I know they’re a big deal but I just can never get hyped for them. India’s Rural Olympics, on the other hand…now that’s more my speed. I don’t need fancy competitions will millions of rules and regulations. Just run some dudes over with a tractor in front of my face and I’ll watch all day. Have an 80+ race so I can watch some geezers limp around for a while. Pick some heavy shit up with your teeth. The key is in the simplicity. I don’t care who wins/survives. It’s about the show, not medals. Squish some bros with farm machinery and have guys fill their mouths with steel and I’m on board 100%. Yeah, harming foreigners for my entertainment. That’s the ticket.

Consumerist – If you live in a state where happy hour is legal, pat yourself on the back and consider pouring one out for your Massachusetts cocktail-loving brethren. Lawmakers had been flirting with the idea of repealing the state’s 29-year ban on happy hour, but from the sound of it, regulators think it would be a bad idea for both businesses and the public’s safety. Happy hour is banned in many other states, but Massachusetts was one of the first to do so. The state banned the promotional drinking periods in 1984 after a woman was killed by a drunk driver who’d had seven drinks at a happy hour event. While some states are loosening up on such restrictions — like Kansas, which repealed its ban recently — regulators in Massachusetts don’t think bringing it back is a good move, reports The Boston Globe. Lawmakers had been toying with the idea as a way to appease liquor license holders who are trying to compete with casinos that offer free alcoholic beverages to customers. But allowing happy hour again wouldn’t help restaurants fight competition from casinos, says a recent report from the Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission.

Instead, it found that restaurant owners would be more concerned with a “race to the bottom” where businesses would undercut each other’s prices to the point where they’d lose money. “It was kind of this false premise that if you allowed restaurants to have happy hours it would level the playing field [with casinos],” Massachusetts Restaurant Association President Stephen Clark said. “But restaurants can’t subsidize free drinks like casinos.” Instead, the office of the Treasury, which oversees the ABCC, says the ban is necessary to protect the state’s citizens. “I think it has served us well, and I think it is a very important public safety issue,” said Treasurer Steven Grossman. “I am fully supportive of [the report’s] conclusions.”

Talk about dodging a bullet! Could you imagine if Mass citizens had to take responsibility for ourselves instead of having ABCC tell us what’s necessary for our protection? Chaos! Chaos I say! I’m convinced that should they allow us to have 2 for 1 drinks during a two hour period every day, the entire state would spontaneously combust the first day the ban was lifted. Millions of drunk driving accident at one time. Rioting and looting…the streets awash with blood. Basically right back to the dark ages where inebriated mobs would stalk the streets, performing public executions on the weakest of us. Household items that we once took for granted like soap and tin foil would become a traded currency. Any good looking girl over 12 would be sold into sex slavery, and any obese one eaten. Hell on earth doesn’t even begin to describe how horrific the state would become, because that’s what happens when you let bars have drink promotions. Facts are facts.

Thank god we reacted intelligently when one person was killed in 1984 and took away a good thing from everyone forever. Thank you ABCC! Thank you for protecting us from the evils of happy hour!

Bostonherald - Rob Gronkowski is a 23-year-old single male who loves to have fun and provide entertainment for the masses. The Gronk is a party animal. That’s no secret. Taken at face value, it’s hard not to appreciate and enjoy someone who so thoroughly enjoys life. fBut then you watch the TMZ video of the Patriots tight end at the XS nightclub in Las Vegas on Sunday night, dancing shirtless on stage and lifting up a presumed friend and slamming him to the ground, wrestling-style. This might seem like harmless fun, except Gronkowski was using his recently re-repaired broken left forearm to help hoist his friend up and over. According to a source close to Gronk, he didn’t appear to do any more harm to the forearm, which was in a long black cast.But you still have to sit back and wonder what he was thinking Gronkowski probably wasn’t thinking about team owner Robert Kraft, who agreed to hand over $54 million with a six-year contract extension. He probably wasn’t thinking about New England fans, who pay good money in hopes of watching him play every week. He probably wasn’t thinking about Bill Belichick’s famous words to every player: “Do your job.’’ Gronkowski constantly talks about the team concept. He just has to figure out what that really means. Gronkowski doesn’t have to stop having fun. He doesn’t have to stop being Gronk. He just has to sit back and take stock of what’s gone on the past year. He has to realize how much the Patriots have invested in him. He has to stop being so impulsive and doing the things that might potentially cost him and his team.

So according to Sales Guy who literally does nothing but sit in his office and listen to sports talk radio all day Gronk is taking an absolute beating from fans today. Everybody freaking out about him DDT’ing his brother in Vegas. That he doesn’t care about winning, he’s selfish, he needs to grow up, he’s trying to hard to live up to his reputation, blah, blah, blah (As a side note how hard is it to figure out that it’s his brother on stage with him) Anyway this shit pisses me off about the media. They always want it both ways. Gronk is a phenomenon. He’s one of the few if only athletes who hasn’t been changed or jaded by the media or becoming famous at all. All fans do is rant and rave about what jerks athletes are. The Barry Bonds, Arod’s, Ray Lewis’s of the world. Well what we have here with Gronk is a perfect engine. A partying machine, it’s really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is play football and drink and make little Gronks. A guy who hasn’t changed one iota since he first got drafted and put on his Patriots helmet with his family and did the Gronk chant. A guy that despite having the greatest season any TE in football is the same exact guy. A guy the media has fawned over for the last 365 days. That’s what makes him so likable.

Bottomline is you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be like “It’s okay for Gronk to be Gronk but he just has to think more”. That’s the whole point. Gronk doesn’t think. He is a Neanderthal. Was it smart to DDT his brother when he had a broken arm? Probably not, but who gives a fuck? That’s part of what makes him who he is. Do you think that’s not happening at his new mansion in Tampa Bay when the cameras aren’t around? Of course it is. I guess that’s my point. I don’t want Gronk to change at all. (except stop getting hurt and missing the playoffs) As he’s said before he’s never been in trouble with the law. All he does is party hard. But it’s never affected his play on the field. He’s a beast. You can’t nitpick his personality. You can’t want the same Gronk but not want him wrestling his brothers on stage. It doesn’t work that way. Gronk is the genuine article and anybody who criticizes him for living his life is a fool.

Huff – You don’t get to choose whether this dress is revealing or not — your carnal instincts do. The ‘Intimacy 2.0′ dress, designed by Daan Roosegaarde, is getting a rise out of the fashion world because its opaque fabric becomes transparent when you get aroused. Finally, all the cards will be on the table. You’ll have your date saying, “Is your dress disappearing, or are you just happy to see me?” The already barely-there garment features ribbons of leather and opaque “e-foils,” which can detect the model’s heartbeat, the Daily Mail reports. ”Intimacy 2.0 is a fashion project exploring the relation between intimacy and technology,” Roosegaarde said. “Technology is used here not merely functional but also as a tool to create intimacy as well as privacy on a direct, personal level which in our contemporary tech society is becoming increasingly important.”

Hello, Intimacy 2.0? Yeah, this is Justin MacGregor. I bought my girlfriend one of your dresses and I think it’s broken. The thing never gets transparent. Does it need new batteries or something? Can you send me another one? I know we’ve been through this before, but the last one you sent me was broken too…

That was a little self-deprecating hypothetical scenario I came up with in which I’m unable to get my girlfriend aroused. Clearly fictional. I’d never buy a girl a dress in real life, let alone a futuristic one that tells me when I’m striking out. I hope they sell 0 of these items. “So, you wanna go back to my place” I said as the dress became a midnight shade of black. Yeah, I’m all set with that. I’d prefer to stay blissfully ignorant of my sexual incompetence, thank you very much. I don’t need an article of clothing telling me that I’m making vaginas dry up all over the place. I can figure that shit out on my own. If it were to happen. Which it doesn’t. Because this is all hypothetical. All very, very hypothetical.