2/02/2006

Welcome To George W. Bush's Classroom:President Bush, he has hisself a grander vision of his professional responsibilities. Said Bush yesterday at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, "My job is as much 'educator-in-chief' as it is Commander-in-Chief." See? Doncha get it? We're all a buncha dumbfucks, but President Bush, he's got the ruler and the textbook, man, fancy-ass degree from Yale, and he's gonna edumacate us: "During times of uncertainty it's important for me to do what I'm doing today, which is to explain the path to victory, to do the best I can to articulate my optimism about the future."

Bush doesn't just sport the mortar board, oh, no. See, the President of the United States wears many hats. Or, perhaps, he just needs to educate us on his job. Just yesterday, he declared, "[I]f I could give you the job description, it would be 'decision-maker.' I have to make a lot of decisions." Sometimes those decisions involve research: "My job as your President is to look at the world the way it is," and, in that world, he sees threats, big ass bugaboos, but don't worry 'cause "My job is to worry about those threats. That's not your job." No, he says, you shouldn't have to worry about all the possible violence and attacks he talks about, really, "That's my job, to worry about the attack." And how will he deal with it? "My job is to set the strategy."

See, the job's not just about blowin' shit up, physically: "Part of my job is to present a budget [to Congress] that gives them a chance to show how to cut that deficit in half by 2009." But sometimes others fail to accept his jobby presumption, like with Social Security: "I thought my job was not only to raise the issue, but to come up with some solutions." He's gotta come up with economic solutions, doncha know: "I think the job -- I know the job of the President is to work to open up markets and level the playing field." Yep, "I told you mine is a decision-making job," but also, "the third thing about my job is you've got to set a strategic vision."

Now, putting aside, say, Article II of the U.S. Constitution, which is pretty damn clear about what the "job" of President is, what it's really seeming is that Bush's job is to dick over as many people as possible in as short amount of time as possible. Hell, just in the last week or so, motherfucker's broken some kind of land speed record for dickin' people over, a record previously held by Charlie "Eight Dick" McGee, aka "The Octopus." Putting aside Democrats, whose Bush dicking is pre-ordained by the fact of their existence, it's Republicans who are seeing the White House's hairy grass snake approaching with extreme velocity.

Take Arlen Specter, a man who is so used to being dicked over that he's got laceration marks. The White House, in the spirit of "personal responsibility," refused to hand over documents to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the rationale for warrantless surveiilance. Specter declared, "That's not a closed matter-we're still working on that." The entire executive branch burst into laughter and sent Specter a pink wig, just as a way of saying, "Thanks for the Alito vote, bitch."

Take Lousiana Republican representatives. Not only did Bush outright dismiss Republican Richard Baker's plan for rebuilding New Orleans without offering any genuine alternative, but Bush has been treating Rep. Bobby Jindal, who offers the Republican Party one of its few shades of color beyond "pasty," like he's a clerk at the 7-11. Prior to Katrina, in July 2005, Jindal fuckin' begged Republican leaders to tour the damaged wetlands of Louisiana, but now he's gotta deal with Bush's almost mind-bogglingly obvious neglect of the hurricane damaged state. Jindal said of the State of the Union speech, "I really did believe we had momentum at the end of the year...I hoped the speech would expand upon that momentum, but I was frustrated and disappointed."

But, ya see, while Specter's a longtime student of the Bushrove School of Political Dickings, Jindal's just a freshman, with so much to learn. Trent Duffy, spokesman for the White House (which is really not unlike saying "Minion of Satan"), said, "The president has and will continue to do what is necessary, from the federal perspective, to help the people of the Gulf Coast rebuild their lives," shorthand for, "Yer on yer own, motherfuckers" or "It's not our job."

Jindal would do well to put on the blinders of conformity, like fellow Louisiana Republican David Vitter, who commented, "I would say it was a very strong and powerful speech, if only I could black out all the problems facing Louisiana and the Gulf Coast," which makes him a perfect A student in the educator-in-chief's classroom, like everyone cheering at the Grand Ole Opry.

Brief Aside:Best unintentional laugh of the speech: Referring to Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, who was in attendance, Bush said, "He's a good man. He's a good guy to deal with, he is doing a fantastic job of herding cats." And somewhere a loud screech of terror went up from the animal shelters all over Nashville.