You are not your past, or your mistakes, or your misfortunes. You are loved, forgiven, and beautiful. Begin today to set yourself free!

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To begin with, when I said that I would be blogging less over the summer, I certainly did not think I would go this long between posts, but it has been a wild ride of a summer so far! My daughter is officially married two weeks as of today. She is also back from her Caribbean honeymoon. The wedding weekend was perfect and the wedding itself was like a fairy tale, only better, because it was real. She was a gorgeous bride and my son-in-law, who I adore, was a very handsome groom. Best of all, I had all seven of my children in one place at the same time, which is rare these days. My 7 year old was in heaven all weekend, flitting from one sibling group to another. Everyone had a splendid time, and there was no “anyone-zilla” moments at any time.

Could they look any happier or more stunning? No, they could not.

Can you believe that I took this picture, and the one above? No one else can, either…

A professional “First Look” image by Susan Shek. (susanshek.com) If you live in the NYC area and need a wedding photographer, she is the woman for you! She did a fabulous job!

Not a single thing went wrong the entire wedding weekend. You see, my daughter is a planner, unlike her mother. She had everything organized so beautifully that it was seamless. She gave me the role at the wedding of the “go to” person, something that I excel at, and I carried that role through the reception, happy to do it. It was a weekend to remember for a very long time to come. NYC is gorgeous in the summer, if not a little hot…

My daughter is not just a top notch organizer, she also is caring and generous, so I felt more than a little pampered during our stay in NYC. My two daughters, the little bro, and I stayed together in a lovely suite with a full kitchen and all the amenities one could need. On the day before the wedding, Emily took her matron of honor, her sister, and I out for manicures and pedicures. What a treat! During the pedicure phase, the technician was massaging my feet and asked me if I’d like a 10 minute foot massage. Oh, it felt so heavenly that I jumped at the opportunity, and it was during this divine foot massage that I found myself fighting back tears.

These tears were not the emotions of a mother about to marry off a daughter, but of a woman realizing that despite her dedication to self care, she had forgotten entirely about the fine art of pampering one’s self. It wasn’t self pity. It was like life–my life for the past 12 years–passing before my eyes, as if a small part of me was dying. I think it was the part of me that felt it needed to be punished. In those 10 minutes, I saw, and felt as much as I could in the middle of a nail salon, what the last 12 years had been like for me as a woman. I saw the drinking, and the rehabs, and the relapses. I saw jails, and prison. I saw a very bad marriage, and leaving it on my 50th birthday. I saw the death of my brother-in-law and moves. I also saw the healing of myself and my son and my whole family post the drinking, and the incarcerations, and the abuse of my marriage, and I saw sustained sobriety, love, peace, and a very happy life. What I did not see was me taking the time to ever truly pamper me in that time period. Like the weeks preceding my daughter’s wedding, I had spent 12 years moving steadily from one thing to the next to the next with little thought for niceties for myself.

Rest assured that I do not go without goodies entirely. I have a friend who spoils me with things regularly, and my children spoil me with gifts on the three major Mom holidays—Christmas, Mother’s Day, and my birthday. I want for nothing, except for the things that only I can give to myself like the nightly bubble bath I took for most of my life, or doing my own nails nicely, or giving myself a facial, or putting a few “Me” movies onto our Netflix queue. No one can do those things for me, and those things are my idea of pampering, simple as they are. How could I forget something that I used to be quite good at, like slathering myself with lotion any chance I got, or having matching undie sets? Lack of time and money are not excuses. I had been neglecting the one person who I need to take the best care of and that person was me.

As I mentioned, I am quite good at self care. I eat an impeccable diet, and have my BMI well within a normal range now. My blood pressure is normal, and I went off of my statin with my doctor’s approval and lowered my cholesterol to within normal limits in three months time. I exercise, I have a regular bedtime and wake up time, and all of my female tests are perfect. My body is in fine shape. I take care of my mind by reading, writing, and playing Scrabble, I take care of my spirit by listening to music, dancing, and again, writing. I take care of my soul by praying for an hour every day, reading the Bible, and the devotional masters from past centuries. I took care of my emotional needs by getting the help I needed to heal from a lifetime of trauma. As a result, all past psychiatric diagnoses have disappeared, and I have rewired my brain to the point where I need no psych medications and have never been happier, or more at peace. Self care is work and it takes practice, but it pays off greatly in the end.

However, self care without pampering is like cake with no frosting. The cake may be good, but it will be lacking the fullness of its delight without the frosting. What good is a well cared for mind, body, and soul, if you do not pamper it from time to time even in the most simple ways? I have begun again to build the habit of pampering into my life. Being a single mom makes it harder, but not impossible. I started yesterday by dressing up for no reason.

I have begun my nightly baths again, and bought a pumice stone for my feet. Yesterday, I did my nails and instead of the usual messy, slap dash, job that I do myself, I took my time and made it a half day event. I used a base coat and let it dry fully, two coats of carefully applied polish, well dried between applications, and a top coat. I didn’t try to do a million other things with half dry nails, and what do you know? My nails look like they were professionally done. This morning, I gave myself a decadent kitchen cupboard facial, with a sugar and lemon juice scrub, a cocoa and oatmeal mask, and a coating of olive oil. It took all of 30 minutes. My feet have been moisturized twice, and do they feel happier for that small effort!

Sometimes it feels like life is about putting out fires. We run from one fire to the next to the next to the next. At some point, we think, “Okay, I have finally got this. I have achieved balance. All of the fires are under control.” Inevitably, something comes along to show us that we have not quite “won at life” yet. I thank God for that–for the continual opportunity to learn and grow and to make adjustments, even if the lesson that needs to be learned is a repeat of something that I used to know. Relearning to pamper myself regularly is a lesson I know I am going to enjoy. I hope you all will learn to enjoy it, too. Thank you Emily for helping me to remember to pamper me, too! Now, you all go do something nice for yourselves!

“It seems odd to celebrate one’s mom is just one day. Someone so important should be celebrated every day.” Anonymous, because he’d prefer it that way.

I have seven gorgeous children who are the light of my life. Six are adults, and one is just 7 years old. They are truly amazing, though I admit to a bit of bias. To say that they are accomplished is an understatement, and that includes the 7 year old. While their accomplishments are good for bragging rights, they are their accomplishments, not mine, and their accomplishments are not what makes them so special. As I have always said, I wouldn’t care what they did as long as they are happy doing it.

What makes them so amazing is their personalities, and their character. They are kind and generous. They are loving and they are funny as can be. They can laugh at themselves, and no one can get me laughing faster, or harder, than my children, with my sisters coming in at a close second. They help me laugh at myself, and we have those family stories that are hilarious to us every time. We have a secret language of movie quotes that we all understand, and can use to convey a variety of thoughts and emotions. “Keep the change you filthy animal,” means “I love you,” or “You owe me nothing, it’s a gift.” We’re all a little nutty, in a good way, of course. We we are all together, the room vibrates with love, hot conversation, and tons and tons of laughter. Individually, we are all quiet people, and true introverts, but together we are a gaggle of kindred spirits knowing we are fully home.

However, their greatest gifts lie in their ability to forgive, and to move forward, and to recalculate life, and the people in it, as needed. This is what means the most to me, because I have required forgiveness more than most mothers. I have required forgiveness again, and again, and again, and each time it’s been freely given. They’ve forgiven the years of drinking, and my inability to be there for them properly. They have forgiven the times I was physically absent due to rehab stays, or jail stays, or prison. They have forgiven lavishly, with no lingering resentments, and they have moved forward in their view of me as I have recovered. In many ways, we have been growing up together and they have been as patient with me as I have been with them. They love me unconditionally, as I have loved them.

Yet, for many years, because of all of the guilt and shame I dragged around because of my perceived poor performance as a mother, I lagged behind them both in my forgiveness of myself, and my ability to recalculate who I am today, as opposed to who I was 10 years ago. I have been forced to stop and look at myself through their eyes, and actually feel their words, not just hear them. They did not become who they are today in some miraculous vacuum. They remind me of this often, and of course, their father has played a role, the older kids having seen the worst, and the youngest having been spared most of that. Because of my children, and God’s grace, which underpins all of this, I have been able to forgive myself, and I am getting up to speed in the recalculating of my view of me. I thank God every day for these precious people that He trusted me to care for and love, flawed as I am.

My own mother died over 24 years ago, and I miss her terribly. Although we had bumps in our relationship, by the time she died, we had reached a place of deep friendship. She was always the first person I wanted to call when anything happened in my life, good or bad. Now, I am blessed to have three women in my life who are both friends, and mothers to me. One woman spoils me silly, and is a grandmother to my 7 year old, though there are no blood ties. Another is chock full of common sense, and tells it like it is. She loves to cook, too, like I do, so we share recipes and new food finds. The third woman is the one to whom I can cry my eyes out, and I discover a bit more of myself every time I talk to her. There is reciprocity in all of these relationships, which is what makes them so special.

But, the best mother that I have now is myself. In the recalculating I have had to do—the seeing myself as all of these other very special people see me—I have come to realize that I can, and should, give every wonderful gift to myself that I give to others, and that others so richly give to me. Knowing that God has fully forgiven me, as have all of the people who matter the most to me, I realized that it is more than a little arrogant not to forgive myself, and treat myself with the love and kindness that I deserve. What a tremendous gift that has been, and it’s one that will remain. I am blessed beyond words, and I wish you all the happiest of Mother’s Day’s. Mothers come in may forms–our own mothers, our children, our friends, our sisters, ourselves. Even if you have no children, you can celebrate and honor the mother within you today.

That quote up top came from my 20 year old son… I am sure I’ll stop crying anytime now 😉 Happy Mother’s Day!