An Open Letter to Justin Bieber About Hedge Fund Ads

by Kyle Woodley | July 12, 2013 8:12 am

Dearest Biebs,

Following a year in which you have been banned from indoor skydiving in Vegas[1], let some anti-Clinton rhetoric fly while pissing in a bucket[2], and drove so poorly that it spurred a former NFL star into action[3] … well, I worry that your knack for poor decision-making might soon put your $110 million[4] at serious risk.

I’m sure by now you’re used to many members of your entourage telling you how to spend your money — cars, drugs, nightlights. In fact, at this point, I’m sure you’ve heard your share of pitches promising a “big business opportunity” — all you have to do is start ‘em off with a [large number here] loan. But if I had to guess, you’ve at least figured out by now that just because Lil Twist puts a suit on, he doesn’t actually mean business.

But soon, Biebs, you’re going to be set upon by a whole new class of swindler.

That’s because hedge funds — to keep it simple for you, it’s a bunch of guys who want your money and swear to give it back and more — just got the green light from the SEC to advertise for the first time in a long time. Since, like, phones were attached to walls!

So, let’s say you’re backstage watching TV, making fans wait another hour before you put on a half-show. You might see some businessman explain how, for a fee, he can invest your money and make it grow, grow, grow … but he’s full of lies, lies, lies! Think about this:

Last year, 88% of hedge funds didn’t do as well as the S&P 500[5]. Without trying to go into what a “stock index” or “passively managed fund” is, let’s just say that means for every 10 guys you see on TV, nine did worse than a computer could have.

As of May, hedge funds had performed 10 percentage points worse than the S&P 500[6] in 2013. That means for every 10 dollars a big, organized group of stocks would’ve earned you, these guys who say they can pick stocks only earned you 9.

Of course, if these numbers are hurting your head, just check out #hedgefundslogans[7] on Twitter. These guys are getting ripped to shreds!

The one thing you might have in your favor is that these hedge funds can only take money from the really-rich, anyway, so maybe they won’t try to dig their claws into you when you pick up Us Weekly.

But I wanted to give you the heads up just in case — because you’re cool with Usher, and that makes you cool with me.

Sincerely,
Ky-Ky

Kyle Woodley is the Deputy Managing Editor of InvestorPlace and thinks if you’re dumb enough to invest in a hedge fund because of an ad, you’re just letting financial Darwinism do its thing … and that’s OK.