Anna Kournikova’s New Job: Emasculating Fat People

Gorgeous tennis-nobody turned gorgeous regular-nobody Anna Kournikova is set to return to American consciousness (and, no doubt, to every men’s magazine known to man) as a “sports trainer” for the next season of “The Biggest Loser.” It’s the perfect job for Kournikova, who is both super-fit and a colossal loser.

Her bio on the announcement tells the story.

Anna Kournikova has been playing tennis most of her life, first debuting at the 1996 U.S. Open, aged only 15-years-old. She was voted ESPN’s hottest female athlete in 2002 and made People magazine’s list of the ‘Most Beautiful People in the World’ in 1998, 2000, 2002 and 2003.

Notice how they jump straight from “she debuted in tennis” to “she was found to be extremely hot during the following years” without any accolades or accomplishments between them. Since they didn’t mention it, Anna also ranked just behind Martina Hingis on the list of tennis-related things I masturbated to in the 1990s.

I think she’ll do a fine job on the show, but she’ll need to add a testicle and a crate of horse tranq if she’s going to be anything like Jillian Michaels. Jillian left the show to concentrate on starting a family, which is gonna be hard, because I’m pretty sure she had her vagina removed to make room for an extra quadricep.