Beware of aliens pushing healthy foods

Published: Saturday, January 5, 2013 at 4:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Friday, January 4, 2013 at 11:17 a.m.

Breaking news! Healthy food is cheaper than junk food. A study by the Department of Agriculture recently found that fruits and vegetables cost less than foods high in fat, sugar and salt.

First of all, I want to know how much this ridiculous study cost the American taxpayer. Any fool knows that you can buy a carrot cheaper than a Big Mac. Which tastes better? If you say a carrot, you are a space invader. More on this in a moment.

The report says that "bananas, carrots, lettuce and pinto beans" are less expensive than "french fries, soft drinks, ice cream or ground beef."

The study also says most junk food doesn't satisfy you. For example, "Eating a chocolate glazed doughnut might not satiate you, but a banana might."

Listen, anybody who would choose to eat a banana instead of a chocolate glazed doughnut is either a monkey or an idiot. Are we supposed to learn something from this?

The point that seems to elude these agricultural statisticians is simply this: Junk food tastes better than food that is "good for you."

Unless you are a space invader (again, more in a moment) french fries taste better than lettuce or carrots. A cheeseburger tastes better than pinto beans, etc., etc.

Some of the study is malarky. Take this one for example. In their own words, these smart boys supposedly in the know claim that pinto beans are better for you than a soft drink.

Oh yeah? I think not! The next time one of these "so-called" smart boys finishes mowing his lawn in August heat and sweat is rolling down into his Fruit of the Looms and his tongue is sticking to the roof of his mouth, let him go lay down in a hammock in the shade and then tuck into a big steaming bowl of pinto beans — I'll bet this genius would rather have a big, tall frosted mug of root beer. What do you think?

Just exactly what is a space invader? Simple. They are extra-terrestrial aliens. You see, they actually love healthy food such as salads and steamed vegetables.

I made this remarkable discovery when I came across an old briefcase at an auction. Inside that briefcase were things that were astonishing. I now know the truth and am revealing the truth to you for the first time! (At the possible risk of my life.)

Yes friends, do you remember that flying saucer that crashed in Roswell, N.M., back in the late '40s? Well hold onto your Maltese falcon, dearly beloved. I know for a fact that not all of the space goblins died. Two, male and female, escaped cross-country and settled in Mississippi.

Since no one notices odd behavior in Mississippi (it's too common) the goblins fit right in and reproduced mightily. I personally know of one family that ended up in the Druid Hills section of Hooterville. But that's another story.

While the aliens appear friendly, they are not. Their plan is to take over the food industry. When they have accomplished this, they will then force mankind to eat healthy, lousy-tasting foods. Without lots of meat and grease in our diet, we will grow weak and addled-brained, thus making it easier to conquer us completely. The question arises — how can we know these creatures?

One easy way to distinguish these aliens is to offer them food that is supposedly "bad" for you. Invite them to dinner, for example, and serve them fried chicken, country ham swimming in red-eye gravy, and pork chops with lots of crisped-up fat around the edges. For vegetables: green beans cooked in fatback, mac and cheese, fried potatoes (greasier the better) or mashed spuds with a huge dollop of real rich New England Cabot butter. Bread: corn bread with cracklin's slathered with pan drippings. Dessert: strawberry shortcake with vanilla ice cream topped with half of a jar of Devon pure clotted cream.

Observe your guests. If they are already pigging out before the blessing is over, then not to worry. Your guests are 100 percent American. On the other hand, if your guests start melting like a salted garden slug, then swee'pea, you better protect the family jewels because these folks are not from Earth and do not wish you well.

Note: Do not, I repeat do not, attempt to apprehend these creatures. Simply report them to your nearest FBI office. Never let your guard down. Keep a wary eye on anyone who is heard making suspicious statements, such as "I'll have a vegetable burger with boiled tofu taters and a glass of water, no lemon." You know, that kind of thing.

You get the drift. In the end, you will thank me for it. So will Uncle Sam. It is time we all stood together with locked arms and saved America from the health food outer space creatures would use to dare destroy the way America eats!

<p>Breaking news! Healthy food is cheaper than junk food. A study by the Department of Agriculture recently found that fruits and vegetables cost less than foods high in fat, sugar and salt. </p><p>First of all, I want to know how much this ridiculous study cost the American taxpayer. Any fool knows that you can buy a carrot cheaper than a Big Mac. Which tastes better? If you say a carrot, you are a space invader. More on this in a moment.</p><p>The report says that "bananas, carrots, lettuce and pinto beans" are less expensive than "french fries, soft drinks, ice cream or ground beef." </p><p>The study also says most junk food doesn't satisfy you. For example, "Eating a chocolate glazed doughnut might not satiate you, but a banana might."</p><p>Listen, anybody who would choose to eat a banana instead of a chocolate glazed doughnut is either a monkey or an idiot. Are we supposed to learn something from this? </p><p>The point that seems to elude these agricultural statisticians is simply this: Junk food tastes better than food that is "good for you."</p><p>Unless you are a space invader (again, more in a moment) french fries taste better than lettuce or carrots. A cheeseburger tastes better than pinto beans, etc., etc.</p><p>Some of the study is malarky. Take this one for example. In their own words, these smart boys supposedly in the know claim that pinto beans are better for you than a soft drink. </p><p>Oh yeah? I think not! The next time one of these "so-called" smart boys finishes mowing his lawn in August heat and sweat is rolling down into his Fruit of the Looms and his tongue is sticking to the roof of his mouth, let him go lay down in a hammock in the shade and then tuck into a big steaming bowl of pinto beans — I'll bet this genius would rather have a big, tall frosted mug of root beer. What do you think?</p><p>Just exactly what is a space invader? Simple. They are extra-terrestrial aliens. You see, they actually love healthy food such as salads and steamed vegetables.</p><p>I made this remarkable discovery when I came across an old briefcase at an auction. Inside that briefcase were things that were astonishing. I now know the truth and am revealing the truth to you for the first time! (At the possible risk of my life.)</p><p>Yes friends, do you remember that flying saucer that crashed in Roswell, N.M., back in the late '40s? Well hold onto your Maltese falcon, dearly beloved. I know for a fact that not all of the space goblins died. Two, male and female, escaped cross-country and settled in Mississippi. </p><p>Since no one notices odd behavior in Mississippi (it's too common) the goblins fit right in and reproduced mightily. I personally know of one family that ended up in the Druid Hills section of Hooterville. But that's another story.</p><p>While the aliens appear friendly, they are not. Their plan is to take over the food industry. When they have accomplished this, they will then force mankind to eat healthy, lousy-tasting foods. Without lots of meat and grease in our diet, we will grow weak and addled-brained, thus making it easier to conquer us completely. The question arises — how can we know these creatures?</p><p>One easy way to distinguish these aliens is to offer them food that is supposedly "bad" for you. Invite them to dinner, for example, and serve them fried chicken, country ham swimming in red-eye gravy, and pork chops with lots of crisped-up fat around the edges. For vegetables: green beans cooked in fatback, mac and cheese, fried potatoes (greasier the better) or mashed spuds with a huge dollop of real rich New England Cabot butter. Bread: corn bread with cracklin's slathered with pan drippings. Dessert: strawberry shortcake with vanilla ice cream topped with half of a jar of Devon pure clotted cream.</p><p>Observe your guests. If they are already pigging out before the blessing is over, then not to worry. Your guests are 100 percent American. On the other hand, if your guests start melting like a salted garden slug, then swee'pea, you better protect the family jewels because these folks are not from Earth and do not wish you well.</p><p>Note: Do not, I repeat do not, attempt to apprehend these creatures. Simply report them to your nearest FBI office. Never let your guard down. Keep a wary eye on anyone who is heard making suspicious statements, such as "I'll have a vegetable burger with boiled tofu taters and a glass of water, no lemon." You know, that kind of thing.</p><p>You get the drift. In the end, you will thank me for it. So will Uncle Sam. It is time we all stood together with locked arms and saved America from the health food outer space creatures would use to dare destroy the way America eats!</p>