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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.

After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.

Domestic Violence

I am very confused and need to find people that have been through what I have. Here it goes......

I've been in a abusive (physical, mental and emotional) relationship for 3 years. I broke off the relationship a year ago, but kept going back because he said that he changed.

The second to last time I went back he tried to strangle me. He does and then doesn't take responsibility for his actions. He blames me, that if I didn't leave he wouldn't of been so angry and resulted in drug and alcohol abuse and that was the reason he tried to kill me.

I ended up going back after all of this because he said he changed. He went to rehab for 28 days and stopped everything. I went back for three months. But after a week of being there the abuse started again. I was called names (dike,unemotional,b*tch, not a lady) you name it he called me it. He thinks because I left him it must be because I'm a lesbian not because he's an abuser.

The main reason besides the drugs that I left was because every time I go back he always throw's me out of his house, but then apologizes and wants forgiveness. How many times will he have to throw me out and abuse me before I decide not to go back. Recently he threw me out and I left now he's calling me and wants me back and said that he will never do it again. He says when he throw's me out I shouldn't leave. Yea right.

He now wants me to give him another chance. Why is this time different????? He can't change in 2 weeks (that's how long it's been since I moved back home).

What should I do?? Should I give him another chance. I'm scared and confused........

Hi,welcome to the board. I'm really sorry you've had to go through so much to be here, but i'm really glad you found us. This is an amazing place full of amazing people I guess you already know the answer to your question, but, of course, if it was so easy to make that decision you wouldn't be asking us, right? It's taken me a long time to realize it and to be honest i'm still struggling with it: the first and only (unless you have kids) person you need to take care of right now is YOURSELF. You know deep down that you are living in an extremely dangerous situation, that you could basically die any day now, and that's not ok. You deserve so much more than broken promises and broken bones. You deserve to have a healthy relationship with a loving person, starting with yourself. You don't need to make a decision and go through all this alone, there are many places and people waiting to help you figure this out. Please call the domestic violence hotline in your area, people are there to listen to you and give you suggestions, you don't even need to see anybody in person, you can just call them and talk.You are not alone in this and we are here to listen with whatever you need.Daniela.

I would definitely not go back to this jerk. I know that every time he says he's changed a small part of you inside wants to believe that it's possible. However I think you and I and everyone around here knows that these signs are definitely not pointing in the right directly.

Although it is possible.. with proper therapy to recover from being an abusive person..... it is VERY unlikely and from the past incidents you have described it is so unlikely that he's changed. I would suggest that for your safety to no longer talk to this person.

I'm really really sorry that you've had to endure this hon. It isn't right and you deserve SO much better. I hope you realize that. No one deserves to be treated like that. Don't worry, there are so many men out there that will treat you like a princess.. that's what you deserve.. so don't worry about leaving him for good. He deserves to be alone and you deserve to have someone treat you how you're supposed to be treated.

I would not go back to him. He has shown himself many times to you, i am in great belief by what i have read in your post that he is a very disturbed and dangerous person. Theres no possibly way someone can change in 2 weeks, i just dont believe that there is. Maybe in 2 years, but not 2 weeks. But with whatever decision that you make dear please know that we are here for you.

Welcome to the board. Glad you joined. I think he has proved that he is consistently abusive and hasn't changed. He is definitely not good for you. If it were I, I wouldn't go back anymore. Sorry you are going through such a rough time and I hope things will get better for you.

I hope that you can find the right path for you, but I do believe that any abuse of any kind should not be in a relationship, as it will and does sour every thing that may be positive in a persons life, it is a bit like a cancer eating away at you, and unless treated will kill you if not physically then emotionally...I am not going to say that leaving a person is easy because it isn't... I wish you luck and hope that you gain support through what has been said here..

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you need to be here but this is a good place to be when you need support, comfort, and friendship.

As for your situation with your boyfriend... abusive men rarely ever change. Unless he actually goes to therapy for anger management and other behavioral problems he seems to have there isn't a snowball's chance he'll change. If he does go to therapy it's going to take him a lot longer than two weeks to change. The odds are really against him doing that and changing, though. Every time you go back and stay for the abuse you are enabling him to continue the behavior. You deserve a lot better, believe me. Abuse has absolutely no place in a relationship.

There are a lot of web sites dealing with the facts of abusive relationships and you might do yourself a favor and look them up on google. Then you can make a more informed decision about how to handle the situation. Obviously it is your choice to make and nobody else's. I urge you to learn the facts first, hon.

I was also in an abusive relationship but got out before it became violent to the extreme. Actually she ended it and so she did me a favour!! Otherwise had I ended it, she probably would have made me pay in some way, with more emotional abuse via the phone!!

The problem is a very deep one and cant change in a few weeks, they need help to change and it could take many years.

My advice to you is stay away from him and wait for the right guy to come into your life. Because it really does happen when you least expect it.