In the first act, some creepy kid runs into frame, mumbling, “I see blown saves.” I know Ryan Madson is a Cuddle Boy, but don’t drop him yet. Sorry to get Biblical on you, but hast thou forgotten the wrath Brad Lidge hast broust on ye past teams? Please. Give Lidge a week before abandoning Madson. Lidge is like a “1000 Dollar Car” as sung by the Bottle Rockets. Google the lyrics if you don’t know the song but in summation, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?” Let shizz shake out first before you act rash, talcum. There’s time to drop Madson. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Evan Meek – Recorded the 3 up, 3 down save yesterday as Dotel was out sleeping with your sister. Don’t worry, Dotel’s days of ruining your ERA and WHIP aren’t over yet. Meek was only used because Dotel had pitched two innings the day before (beautifully, I might add). To recap, handcuffs across the Brewers, Pirates and Rangers: Frank-Frank, Meek, Villanueva and the guy at Subway who gives you the skeeves, in that order. Hoffman, Dotel and Feliz, in that order, should all still be owned.

Carlos Beltran – Was fitted for a knee brace hoping it accelerates his rehab. Here’s me putting on my stethoscope. If a guy needs to be fitted with a knee brace to help his recovery, it’s not a good sign. This is like trying to make a girl jealous by going to the movies with your mom.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3 as he hit his 9th and 10th homers. Paulie’s bonkers right now. Truly, Paulie Walnuts. I say he gets to 30 homers and there’s really no reason why you need to unload him. Just think you got Adrian Gonzalez in the last round of your draft. Open a Michelob and celebrate.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. I liked Floyd coming into this year. Before yesterday, Nadir Bupkus looked better and he’s an imaginary hitter. Floyd’s FIP is out of whack with his ERA as of right now. He should continue to be better.

Carlos Quentin – Sat out Thursday and won’t play Friday with hamstring soreness. This guy is made of paper-mache.

Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3 and a steal. Rudy pushed for me to put Alexei in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, so he’ll be there. BTW, Ozzie had him bunting with two men on and no outs and Pierre up next. Here’s what Ozzie tweeted, “Team sucks. Bunt guys over for the 2000 All-Stars, Andruw and Konerko. Someone get me Andres Galarraga! Me gusto El Gato Grande!”

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 and looks like he’s finally seeing the ball well. Sure, it’s a month late, but there’s still plenty of time for him.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, HR. Mentioned the other day that I slotted in Inge on a short schedule day and got two homers. Well, on a different team I have Smoak and he’s been riding my bench since I picked him up because A) I have enough hitters. B) He hasn’t hit. C) There’s no C. There’s rarely a C. So yesterday with the short schedule, guess who got into my lineup? Booyakasha! I am a mustachioed God!

Jair Jurrjens – Left the game with a strained left hamstring. The good news, it wasn’t his arm. The bad news, he’s still injured, his FIP last year showed he was lucky, he doesn’t strikeout people and his arm is still a reason for concern. Okay, so the good news and bad news aren’t exactly even.

Kris Medlen – Took the ball for three innings after Jar-Jar went down. If Jurrjens can’t come back and Medlen gets his starts, he would be worth owning in NL-Only and deep mixed leagues.

Chipper Jones – There’s no news about Chipper, but with the other Braves injured I figured I’d put this here as a place holder.

David Freese – 3-for-3, homer and 6 RBIs. It’s a been awhile since I’ve talked about him, so I’ll just tell you what I said last time, “(Freese) hits .300 everywhere he goes (in the minors) and he has 20 homer power. Before you scoff like you’re some Victorian bigwig, those numbers may not be that far off from Butler at a shallower position.” And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Kurt Suzuki – Probably headed to the DL with a strain of the intercostal. Isn’t that the highway in Florida? Weird!

Justin Duchscherer – Well, I tried to get everyone on board before he was injured again, but his wonky hip hit its capacity. You can wait to hear how long he’ll miss, but I would just drop him if you’re hard-pressed for room.

Justin Morneau – Staying in the Justin genre, Morneau sat out with a sore back. He hopes to return by today’s game. We shall see…

John Buck – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with 3 homers yesterday. Buck dedicated this game to his nieces and nephew for teaching him responsibility while he was babysitting.

Luke Hochevar – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER and now has a 6.11 ERA on the year and there’s the reason why I was so hesitant to endorse him. Sometimes he can be absolutely miserable.

Robinson Cano – 2 more homers as he now bats .407. We better put Ted Williams’ head out on the counter now, because things are never right when you defrost in the microwave.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. I own Burnett in a few leagues, so I’m more than happy with his year so far, but where’s the Ks? He now has 33 1/3 innings and only 20 Ks.

Everth Cabrera – EverCab has been dealing with a hamstring strain for days and trying to avoid the DL. At one point, Kyle Blanks volunteered to put him in a Baby Bjorn and play short. Alas, EverCab to the 15-day DL.

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with two homers. How dare you show up Kelly Johnson! Rudy had much love for Ad. LaRoche going into this year, saying that he might’ve started cold in past years because, well, he was cold. As in he needed mittens. In Arizona, that could change everything. So far, Rudy’s looking like he might’ve been onto something even if this game was in Chicago.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Was only hurt by a grand slam to Fukudome, but that is sorta Kennedy’s M.O. Still ownable and startable and yadda2, but he gives up homers.

Kelly Johnson – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, 1 Run, 1 Life-Threatening Disease Cured and a homer. After he hit his homer, I went into the comments and wrote something giddy and after I posted it I realized something. After I comment when I’m happy, my picture looks like I’m smiling. After I comment when I’m upset, my picture looks like I’m frowning. I’m Mona Lisa!

In a 20 team league 6×6 (extra category is OBP), I have Reimold, EY2, and Gaby Sanchez basically all as depth (Bruce, BJ Upton, Fowler, Venable, Beckham, Miggy Cabrera ahead of them). Who’s the most cuttable for Lidge’s return?

I told you Hochevar was Charlize Theron! Half kidding. I’d expect more starts like this one. He was lucky to escape those two starts vs. the Twins without getting shelled like this. Imagine being Trey Hillman and Hochevar gives up 9 runs and you’re only in the third inning. You leave him in there or just let him get killed? Trey will no doubt be facing that dilemma quite a few more times this year. We haven’t seen anywhere near the worst of Bannister or Davies yet.

@TheEvilEmpire: Ugh… as a Yankees fan I love the fact that he’s doing so well, but I would hate to see what an MVP would do to his attitude. He already puts forth Manny-esque effort (okay, maybe not that bad). If he had the work ethic and pride of Pujols, he’d probably be as good as, say… Pujols (consistently, I mean… I do realize that he’s doing better than Pujols at this moment).

Sorry — living in NYC, I’ve had my fill of Yankees’ homers. Jeter for Gold Glove! A-Rod for MVP! Pettitte for Cy Young! Zimmer for Manager of the Year! If you’ve never seen anyone go left to right better than Cano, you either weren’t alive or were blind during Roberto Alomar’s career.

That said: Cano is putting up good numbers.

In a related story: I’m starting to think my 14th round pick on Beltran would have better been used on Alomar. Or Zimmer.

@Grey: You ever do that trick where you crease a bill along the edges of Andrew Jackson*’s mouth, and if you tilt it one way, he’s smiling, and the other way he’s frowning? Oh, it’s a party-starter, all right.

@anon: depends on the wind. arizona is right there with the best offenses in the NL with the phillies, brewers, and rockies. so if you don’t need the start, wells is hardly someone i’d consider a “start ‘em if you got ‘em” guy.

btw, i was just looking at team offensive totals from the NL and AL, and the NL actually has better average stats per team right now than the AL. it’s essentially even, with a slight edge to the NL. take away tampa from the AL and they drop even further (the rays are so far out in front of everyone the are giving the AL a boost on the overall avg offensive output).

small sample size i know, but maybe this whole AL/NL switch is more psychological than anything…

@Baron Von Vulturewins: Agreded that peeps are going a bit bat-shit crazy over Cano’s start….yeah it’s sick, and yeah he could win a batting title but saying that any aspect of his “D” is the best ever is a bit much….as for A-Jax, who I imagine swung some heavy hickory in his day, I’m gonna need a demo of the $20 bill trick…or a more specific description. I love shizz like that….anything to entertain while drinking.

I’m running out a starting 5 of Sabathia/Hamels/Oswalt/Lilly/Filthy (with a pretty strict innings cap) in a 5×5 league, and Floyd is available. Is it worth dropping any of them out of my rotation for him?

As an owner of both Hawkins and Villanueva, I’ve gotta admit that this disappointing:

“Manager Ken Macha mentioned Hawkins name on Thursday when asked who could take over the closer role from Trevor Hoffman if it ever came to that, according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
Spin: It’s going to take a lot more blown saves before the Brewers move Hoffman from the closer role, but Hawkins appears to be the best bet to get saves if that happens. Macha also mentioned that he’d play it by matchups, but Hawkins’ experience in closing games would probably weigh heavily in his favor.”

does anyone else ever feel guilty when they trade a guy and he gets hurt within 24 hours of the deal being accepted?

trade my slowey/duchscherer/konerko/maybin for his lester/weeks

duchscherer gimps off the field with a hip injury last night. i feel kinda guilty about it…of course his injury issues was one of the reasons i didn’t hesitate to throw him in the deal when the other guy said he wanted a 2nd SP.

@TheEvilEmpire: Yeah, you had to go straight to the AIDS thing. Leave him alone! Sure, he’s an arrogant, ump-spitting-on weirdo, but for a few glorious years in Toronto, he was OUR arrogant, ump-spitting-on weirdo. That one homer off Eckersley in the playoffs won my heart forever.

And it’s true: I hate the Yankees and I even I was sad Jeter didn’t win the MVP last year.

At this point, they’ll have to collude and give it to him for some age-38 season when he hits .275/11/60, like giving Newman the Oscar for “Color of Money” or Pacino for “Scent of a Woman.” More like a lifetime achievement thing.

@ThePoonTycoon: Eh, I think there are a few fundamental differences in the way the game is played in the NL that leads to higher offensive output than should be expected. For example, if the game is close in the sixth inning, and the pitcher’s spot is due up, even though the starter may be pitching well, he’s going to get pinch hit for. This means fewer ABs from the pitcher slot actually being taken by pitchers AND getting to the bullpen faster.

Another thing that I’ve noticed is that the NL pitching philosophy seems to be more inclined to pitching to contact (perhaps because the bottom of lineups are so soft). Even the D-Backs, who probably have the hottest hitting lineup in baseball, have three near automatic outs in their lineup in the second base, catcher, and pitcher spots.

One more thing could be to look at where these games are being played. I feel like I hardly ever see an NL game being played outside in an unfriendly atmosphere. The NL Central is much more conducive to productive April baseball (because of indoor and Southern environments) than the AL central (Minnesota, Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago).

@sean: wait…what was that about the dbacks 2B being an automatic out?? also, most AL teams have damn near an auto out at 3 of 2B/SS/C/DH.

also, not disputing the fundamental differences, usually the AL ends up a little better. 2009 the average AL team was way better but going back to years previous, it was pretty close. i just think a guy like vazquez sucking for the yanks after excelling for the braves is more of a mental/mechanical issue than him facing better lineups (his velocity is down and scouts say he’s overthrowing his offspeed stuff). same with peavy, i think there are injury issues going on there, not him just facing better lineups. same with halladay, we’ve seen him have stretches like this in the AL east shutting down the yanks, sox, and rays of the last few seasons, so i think he was just in a hot stretch, not some advantage of playing in the NL.

I echo Big Nate’s concern that Hawkins would take over IF, and that’s a biggest loser contestant before the initial weigh in sized “IF”, they take The Hoff out of that spot. Why tote Vills ove The Troy?

Decent catchers available (Olivo, Doumit, Ben Molina, plus Rob Thomas and Posey for the future). What kind of value could I expect for V-Mart? No, I’m not dropping him, I’m just curious as to what you guys think is a comparable 1 for 1, any position. I’m debating on seeing if I could sucker a sweet deal for V-Mart, which as of right now, looks unlikely, but I’ll test the waters.

@ThePoonTycoon: good advice, being that it’s such a small league, there are always decent options on the WW. He’s just dead weight right now, but the rest of my guys are keeping me in good shape. I’ll most likely wait it out and assume he’ll remove his head from his rectum…damn near killed ‘em!

@Wilsonian: yeah, most Cs aren’t worth the wait, but vmart has the potential to produce so much more in certain areas than your avg C he’s worth waiting on if you’ve spent the pick on him. he’s one of the few Cs with a legit shot at 100 RBIs due to his lineup placement (mccann and mauer being the other 2).

I got v-mart in the 9th round. I didn’t want to pay for a catcher but at that point his numbers were as good as any remaining player and couldn’t pass. I Just need another outfielder, my league hates trading so I I know it will only get me a 3rd outfielder. Just trying to figure out what I should target. Thus far I have only been offered cargo

Hey guys, would you trade Jaime Garcia for Gordon Beckham in a weekly league with only 4 SP and I already have Haren, Ubaldo, Liriano, Garza, and Filthy Sanchez? I’m leaning yes, but would appreciate any input.

I have kelly johnson and polanco at my 2B slot now, guy in my league offered me his aj burnett and ian kinsler for my kelly johnson and dan haren… my SP staff is very very strong so losing haren wont be a big deal if im getting a solid SP back in return….is this a good deal?

@ThePoonTycoon: I am not trying to get rid of vmart, I am trying to figure out if Soto at catcher and Cargo at UTIL is better than Soto at catcher and Vmart at util. I am sitting in first with teix not hitting and vmart not hitting and adam jones not hitting. I just trying to figure out what is best going forward.

@Killing Machine: gotcha, i would probably say they’ll end up with similar rankings independent of position at the end of the year. cargo with more SBs obviously, but if he keeps hitting in the 3 spot, he could put up the same number of RBIs as vmart.

jesus, just looking at the team totals for my h2h weekly lineup league and i’m 75 ABs behind the next lowest total. losing rollins, cruz, and now evercab to injuries on monday/tuesday of a week plus scioscia’s refusal to play napoli for a week and a half is seriously hurting my ABs. amazingly enough i am still 2nd in HRs, 4th in RBIs, and 2nd in SBs.

@ThePoonTycoon/Sean:
I think what has been giving the edge to the NL in avg/hitting is the starting pitchers who have been hitting well. I know there are a few SPs who annually are ok, but it seems the Harens and Gallardos of the NL have been helping their own cause a little more than normal. Just an observation. TGIF!

I have Ian Stewart (2b, 3b), David Wright(3b), Kelly Johnson(2b) and asdrubal cabrera (ss). Will Stewart and Johnson keep this up, to the point where I should try to move Wright for a Tulo or Rollins? Or should I just bump Heyward/Victorino from my utility?

Lidge is back, break out the gasoline and matches he is about to burn the whole damn park down, not just the infield!
Even money says ole Roy channels his inner Carlton and has 30 complete games just to keep Lidge in the pen and away from his decision!

About to pry Headley from a guy for Leo Nunez. This is hard for me to do as I like having a Fish to watch on the local games, but Chone was my panic 3rd baseman pick in the 8th round and he’s just not cutting it.

Also, I’m stocked to the gills with closers with Gregg, Valverde, and Bell also doing their thing. Granted, Gregg is due to explode in the next month (actually, I offered him first but apparently I’ve built a reputation and the owner smelled the dirty sanchez coming) but there will be another Schmoe pitching in the 9th when that time comes.

I’ve got too much at 1b/3b and can afford to part with Youkilis but need an upgrade in the OF. The other guy has too much OF but is dependant on Headley at 3b right now. Is offering him Youk/Rios for Crawford/Adam Jones a good deal for me?

H2H League, my opponent has Tommy Hanson v. Hou going tonight and I have Slowey @ Cle. Right now I’m 3 wins up, 1 loss down, 1 save up, 19 ks up, 0.83 up in ERA, 0.18 up in WHIP, and 1.04 down in Ks/9. I know I’m insanely overthinking, by do I risk benching Slowey for the night? I know Cle’s awfense has been offul, and Slowey dominated them last time out, but so far he’s been like my current relationship status, on again, off again, and I’m not oozing with faith at this point. Plus, I still have prospective starts from Doc, Ubaldo, Jered and JJ over the weekend.

@Grey. Been having a debate with a friend over the value of Javier Vazquez. I think he’ll have trouble all year with blow ups of Hoche-like proportions, and not have many starts better than that of a pitcher in the FA so he should be dropped. He think’s he’ll turn it around to be what he was last year. So is Javy worth keeping for the turn around or time to let go?

@Grey: Figgy isn’t going anywhere, but Headley will be a nice breather for these long stretches of suck. Plus the occasional off day – I like to keep the players fresh, otherwise their balls start to stink.

@ majortommy:
My gut says this is the start he dominates like I think he can, but my 0.31 team era thru 28 inn looks 2 good 2 fuck with. Plus I can start Gallardo 2moro or Liriano on Sunday if I have 2… I think I’ll sit him 2nite.

Pierre has reportedly lost his leadoff spot and will be benched today according to his fire note on yahoo. Along with his 200 average and 8 year old girl strength both with his bat and arm, I think I’m ready to cut him. I’m desperate for steals though with Alcides and Granderson struggling. Do I go after a struggling Rajai Davis or is he the same player? EY Jr is out there but I’m playing with Smoak as my util and will eventually have Santana at C. Too much youth? I have Miggy, Cano Holliday as the base of my hitting if that helps

@Awesomus Maximus: not enough, i’d want pence over bobby straight up, then throw in price’s upside? wouldnt even think about that deal….

@HalLeeDay34: i own pierre too, he’ll get his spot back, not been a great start, the speed i there but he has to get on to steal! Guillen loves to bench a player to light a fire under their ass! He did it too alexie, he’s not afraid of doing it, and he’s usually right, it puts the player in his place and they straighten up…. I think you just bench pierre for a while.

@Wah – In my opinion it looks like you are getting the best player in most of your deals but you are trading 9 players and receiving 7. You should consider whether there are quality options as replacements at those 2 spots? If you are replacing Alex Rios with Matt LaPorta it may not be worth it.

Thanks for all the feedback, gents. Been trying to work a “Scherzer/OF for OF” trade with this guy, but he’s sour on Scherzer and high on Price, hence this most recent offer (Pence/Price for Abreu). The only other good OF he’s got is Werth. With that in mind, what do you think of these:

Pence/Price for Werth
Bruce/Price for Werth
Pence/Scherzer for Abreu

Those are the fairest options I can come up with. I’m thinking of emailing him those options and telling him that’s the best I can do… so take one or negotiations are over.

This is a competitive and very deep (20-team) league … so no laughing at the level of talent we’re talking about here!

What do you guys think about trading Chapman and Wigginton for Aramis Ramirez and Johnny Cueto? It’s basically a bet that Ramirez and Cueto turn it around, while selling high on Wigginton plus the idea that Chapman will have some growing pains after he gets the call in a month or so.

@Awesomus Maximus: i wouldn’t be so quick to push pence. since berkman’s been back int he lineup, he’s been hitting well. i think you are selling low on him by selling him now. he’s not gonna win your league, but he’ll give you enough of the same production werth or abreu would that i wouldn’t include him in a deal with price for one of them.

since berkamn came back and april 20, pence has 5 multi-hit games. the power/RBIs aren’t there yet, but be patient. if he keeps hitting the ball he’ll be fine. also, his K rate is way down and his babip is only .239.

I don’t know if you need speed over power, but look at the Royals schedule in May. After they get through Tampa this weekend, it’s very hitter friendly. Two series against Texas and two against Cleveland. I’m not high on Guillen but at the end of May he could be leading the league in HRs.

@Grey: Heh… yeah. Message received loud and clear. Thank you for showing me the door, Morpheus; I will now walk through it.

@Terrence Mann: Werth is actually his best player (auction auto-drafted team). He’s a friend, so I’m working hard to try and find something, but I think that mindset has me skewing values and ignoring needs. Posting here and getting feedback has me thinking straight again.

@ThePoonTycoon: Yep. With the “fog of friendship” lifted (very dangerous when trying to navigate trade negotiations) I’m remembering that Pence and Abreu could easily be the same player at year’s end (Pence with more HRs, Abreu with more SBs). No need to swap them.

My weakest hitting cats are RBI and AVG, so swapping Bruce for Abreu would help out. I think I’ll offer Bruce/Scherzer for Abreu and just roll with what I got when he declines.

@Awesomus Maximus: yeah, plenty of time left to deal anyway. if he won’t do it now, no need to force a deal, just let things sit a few weeks and reevaluate where your team stands. chances are if bruce stays hot his value is gonna sky rocket as his overall numbers start to look prettier to those who aren’t following him closely. abreu is a known quantity. low ceiling, high floor. no need to try to grab him before he blows up, he is what he is and he’ll be the same player a month or 2 months from now. bruce could be a lot more of a player in a month or 2.

Not one week after Adam Jones appears in your buy/sell on the buy side, and I get offered Adam Jones for my Chase Hedely. Hedely’s good, but he went undrafted in my league. Filling the last spot on my starting roster with Jones is pretty sweet.