New Study Finds Fucking Your Dog Prevents COVID-19

Lord Waffle King

Leading experts on the COVID-19 pandemic have made a startling breakthrough in the fight against this horrible disease. There may just be a cure yet for the COVID-19 virus.

It all began when fatality rates for COVID-19 patients broken down by race were released. The data and census demographic information show a disproportionately high rate of infection and death in African American counties. Which raised the important question, what were white people doing to stay healthy?

The answer doctors found? White people just can’t stop fucking their dogs. And being stuck in quarantine, what else is there to do?

“We’ve found that white people are resisting the virus with greater success, all thanks to how often they fuck their dogs. It’s the only plausible explanation. What other widespread white people ritual could possibly aid in the fight against COVID-19? Not seasoning their food? Clapping when the airplane lands? It’s the only thing that makes sense.” CDC representatives said in an official statement.

Doctors are now doing more research as to what exactly is causing the increased immunity, and experimenting with injecting dog cum into patients to see if it kills the virus. In the meantime, the WHO and CDC now highly recommend fucking your dog, since it seems to have worked so well for white people.

And for inner city blacks that live in apartments with “No Pets Allowed” rules? Well I guess they’re just kinda screwed. Sucks to be them.

Remember, we’re all in this together. Wash your hands, fuck your dogs, and be safe.