I just need to vent

Where do I begin ? My boyfriend and I were in relationship prior to me getting pregnant. In our relationship, I was very open with him about wanting children and getting married. We went over a timeline of when we would get married and start planning for kids. Although sometimes I would bring it up just because I saw a cute baby and having a nephew made me want to have kids even more. I knew I would wait for him and keep our agreement. But it never stopped my curiousity of imagining what it would be like to be a mom one day. I wanna say I had been thinking of being a mother since I was working on my bachelors degree back in 2014. My family has always pushed me to be all about school and I kept this secret of wanting to be a mom from them even till this day. How can I put it? I just got this maternal instinct while in college but I knew I needed to finish school and ignore my feelings about having a baby. That's honestly what I did, I graduated with my bachelor's degree in 2016 and finished graduate school May 2018. Towards the end of April , I had reached a point where I felt I deserved to be open about my need to be a mother. It made me so emotional that I couldn't Share that with anyone but my boyfriend. I even would doubt myself thinking I could never be a mom like my family would never accept me. That they would just want me to go back to school and get my doctorate and somehow I envisioned I would be sucked in to a career and never have a chance to get married or have children. This thought would scare me all the time because I wanted both... I wanted to be a mom and I wanted my career. My boyfriend understood that and to my surprise he told me one evening that he was ready to have a baby. It shocked me because I put that topic away at least from him. He said he was sure that he wanted this with me. It was the most romantic thing ever and I knew I wanted that with him. So we began trying just not telling anyone. The first two times i tested negative. You can imagine how devastated I was because I now had his support and I still wasn't getting pregnant. It made me feel like it wasn't meant to be. To my surprise he kept encouraging me to not give up. We would research ways to increase our fertility. We started eating cleaner and exercising daily. Seeing him by my side being my partner in this journey I was felt like he was trying just as hard as I was. About three weeks or so after graduation , I missed my period. I really thought it was stress about graduation but to my surprise it wasn't. Three days after my missed period I tested positive on a pregnancy test. My boyfriend was the first person I told. He was a bit nervous just as I was because we didn't know how our families would handle it. Everyone generally accepted it,but to this day everyone thinks of it as a mistake like on accident it happened. Only we know the truth. During this pregnancy I've gotten a lot of shame such as you should have got married or my mom recently told me I hope you Plan a baby next time because you obviously didn't and that's why you aren't prepared financially. You can imagine how painful this is to hear. Just comments from others too about how maybe I'll learn from my mistake or patting my boyfriend on his back saying you guys should have used more protection. Given that everyone believes the condom broke. It honestly hurts me that my unborn son is seen as a mistake but to me I planned him and wanted him so much. It makes me wonder how I'm ever suppose to tell everyone the truth. Cause sometimes I get so heated I almost burst out saying it's not like that he's not a mistake I wanted him and I planned him. Tell me your thoughts ladies.

Comments (19)

First, I am so sorry that people are saying those things to you. How rude! No matter how a baby is conceived it shouldn't matter to anyone except the mother and father. Secondly, I would just tell them the truth. You don't need their approval. Either way it sounds like they are going to have something to complain about. Your joy and happiness for this baby is what matters most! Glad you have a supportive boyfriend that can be happy with you 😊

It sounds like you are going through all the things you were trying to avoid. Maybe you should just be honest? It may not change everyone’s reactions but at least then you can own your decision and honor your maternal instincts. Be true to yourself... You are going to be a great momma!

It sucks when people don’t react the way you expect them to. I had a lot of those side eye looks from family and I’ve been married for 2 years. But I would honestly just tell people the truth about how you BOTH extensively discussed and made the decision together to be parents. Obviously you’re not going to get the support either way, so might as well share your pure joy with them. People suck.

The only reason i can see for your family to be upset is if they now have to financially support you and the baby. If not, just grow a pair and tell them the baby was planned, it’s not their problem and if they don’t like it hey don’t have to come visit.

It seems they will judge/ have something to say either way. What bothers you more... them knowing you planned and wanted this baby (even though y’all are not married), or them thinking it was an accident?

I personally would just be honest! Tell them y’all wanted this baby, planned and prayed for this baby, and are so excited to be parents!

I mean if you make it seem like an accident people will feel all sorts of ways towards it, especially if they envisioned a different life for you. You need to stand up for yourself and your child when they start complaining about your pregnancy, tell everyone to back off and that you have nothing to be ashamed of, you are an educated woman and can handle your own child married or not. You are not a underage and have a stable relationship, the fact is that you and your bf planned this. The only mistake i see here is that you “acknowledged” to all involved that it was an accident when in fact it wasn’t, you gave them a reason to be upset and be disappointed.

You're an adult. Why not just say, "Thanks for your concern, but this was...

Posted
11/09/2018

You're an adult. Why not just say, "Thanks for your concern, but this was a planned pregnancy." If they aren't happy with it, that's their problem.

Exactly! You’re old enough to make your own decisions! If you wanted a baby then you don’t need anyone’s blessing. The people who matter are you, your baby and your BF. Forget everything everyone else says. And the less they know the better you’ll be off. Don’t leave any doors open for them to criticize you. You are going to be an amazing mom with or without them. Honestly my parents did the same thing to me when I got pregnant at 18 and you know what I told them? I said you can either give me support and be part of this baby’s life or you can fuck right off!!! 💜

Don't let them continue believing the baby was an "oops baby" tell them the baby was planned, and you are not going to listen to any more negativity about the matter. If they don't like it, big whoop. It's not their life, not their decision to make.

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