Bridesmaid drama

One of my bridesmaids is my sister. I never wanted her to be one, as she has borderline personality disorder and is very selfish and a drama queen to the extreme. Anyway, I never even asked her to be a bridesmaid. She just assumed she would be one. When we went to buy the dresses she even had a complete tantrum in the store, to the point where I was mortified for the poor assistant. Any users here who have borderline relatives or friends will understand what I mean about the tantrums and the drama.

Anyway, she is now talking about how she might cancel at the very last minute and not get on the plane to the wedding because of her flying phobia. I told her it would be fine if she didn’t come, as long as she told me in advance so I didn’t waste money on catering, alterations, flowers etc. However she says she won’t know till she gets to the airport. I am 95% sure she won’t turn up as she has a history of backing out of promises. I told her yesterday that I’d rather know now because she has a history of making promises and then letting people down. She then pushed me, told me to “f off” among other expletives and slammed the door in my face. I haven’t spoken to her since. I have never been spoken to like that in my life and I can’t believe she put her hands on me.

Anyway, in the meantime my bff who wasn’t able to go has come to me to tell me she has managed to scrounge together the money to go to the wedding. And she really wants to be bridesmaid. I was the one who wanted her to be bridesmaid so much, but she couldn’t. Plus, she has helped me so, much with the wedding. I’m so happy she can come. Also, she fits perfectly into my sister’s bridesmaid dress.

So I’m wondering if I should tell sister I don’t want her to be bridesmaid due to pushing me and being disrespectful OR whether I should say nothing (so as to save on drama), buy bridesmaids dress for my bff (which I can’t really afford TBH) with the thought that my sister is very unlikely to show and either way my bff can be bridesmaid.

@Bainise2013: Anyone who curses at me and/or puts their hands on me would be expelled from my life, let alone my wedding party. I understand about her borderline issues, but if she is an adult, her mental health is her responsibility. If you already have the dress in your possession, I would call her (not text or email) and unceremoniously say, “I’m really sorry you felt the need to speak to me the way you did the other day, but I’ll take it that you no longer want to be in the wedding party. I’m not happy about it, but I understand. I will make other arrangements regarding the dress” and hang up. It doesn’t matter whether she shows up or not because I assume you have other relatives who can reign her in at the wedding. It only matters whether she possesses the dress, because if she does, she might try to wear it and refuse to accept that she’s not in the BP. Best wishes honey, this truly sucks. i hope you rdecision is supported as I would hope no one in your family would expect you to give an honored position to someone who hit you and cursed at you.

@Bainise2013: Ok… as someone with experience… if you tell her “no, you are not in my wedding” she will show up… because she will do what you dont want her to do….

If your friend comes, awesome. And if your sister doesnt, awesome.. your friend can use your sister’s dress. I would not pay for anything and have your sister pay. if she does not then she can not use it as an excuse

@Bainise2013: JessSeny is right: she’s going to do the opposite of what you want or are expecting from her. We strongly suspect my mother has the same condition, and everything you just described fit her to a “T.”

My mothers behavior and attitude has me right on the verge of telling her she isnt welcome at our wedding…but I understand as well as you do how hard it is to actually execute something like that. Your whole family gets caught up in the drama, and the borderline person acts even more foolish than usual.

The difference for you, in my opinion, is that she put her hands on you. That would be it for me, period.

My family are very concerned and are now trying to get her to go there via boat and train. She’s apparently having tantrums about that too. Anyway, they all say it would be terrible for her ot to be there and they’re all desperately trying to help her get the boat.

At this stage I wish I didn’t have such a kind and concerned family. My brothers are lovely, but she is such a horrible person. And being borderline she also won’t take responsability for her own mental health of course.

Update: I haven’t spoken to her since this incident. I called my mother today and she told me that my sister is expecting me to apologise to her for having the audacity to say that she always lets ppl down. The problem is that my bachelorette is this weekend, and I don’t want her to go unless she says sorry to me first. Otherwise, she’s not going. FI says I should say nothing to her at all and ignore her if she turns up, but the problem is that that will ruin the atmosphere for everyone, and for me too! So, I was thinking of texting her to tell her she can’t come unless she apologises. If I phone her she will scream all over me. FI says he would talk to her (she’s afraid of him as he wouldn’t take her nonsense!) if I wanted so that I don’t have to do it. However, I think its better that I contact her. What do the bees think?

She is kinda scary and the thought of confronting her makes me feel sick. She will scream at me (fine, I can put the phone down), but then scream the house she lives in down and make life difficult for my mother (as she lives with her).

Honestly, I would say to even forget about the dress at this point. Pushing, screaming, temper tantrums? No, no, and no. I hope your venue has good security, because if she does show up, you’re going to need their help. What I don’t understand is why your parents seem to be supporting her behaviour, instead of trying to help you. If this is what she’s doing leading up to your wedding, I can only imagine what she’s going to do on your actual wedding day. Personally, I would consider having her banned from the premises, with co-operation from security.

As for the bachelorette party, does she already know the details? Can you just go without her? Or change the plans and don’t tell her. Seriously, once someone puts their hands on me, that’s it. She should just be thankful you didn’t have her butt thrown in jail for assault.