MY LIFE OF HELL WITH SICKO PHONE-BEAST PIERS MORGAN

How Morgan hacked the Queen while he and sex-bomb Celia were, um, doing, you know, the naughty thing.

Twisted message perv Piers Morgan stands accused today of being a heartless phone-nuisance bastard who hacked every friend he ever had and even probed the mobile box of posh-totty missus Celia Walden nudge nudge gerrit.

Morgan, 58 – described by friends as ‘a bit of a loner who dyed his hair black and lashed out for no reason at braindead Tory totty’ – insists that he is entirely innocent, but cried like a pathetic baby when we yelled through his $80 million Hollywood letter-box last night.

“I can’t tell you what it was like,” said Daily Telegraph divorce correspondent Celia Walden this morning, “but as you’re paying me a shedload of money oh alright then, I will. My life in California was a Hell caused by Piers and his 24/7 obsession with celebrity bollocks. I’d ring friends and they’d ask where Piers was. So I’d tell them he was punching numbers into his phone, and they’d hang up. You know, California is a very lonely place if your husband is a prick, but it is by far the best place in the world to get divorced because the blokes have to, like, give you everything, and the thing with stuff like this is, there’s always a book in it.”

Today, we can reveal that phone-sex-nuisance-perv Morgan deserted blue-stocking Tory MP’s curvaceous daughter and divorce-obsessed bright-rumpy-pumpy Celia in favour of very boring celebrities who were the only people chat-host-voyeur-CNN-clanger Piers could get onto his show. It was the final straw that broke the story’s back, and left home-alone-tv-widow Walden with no choice but to use a pay phone and ring us up with the full monty.

“I realised it was all over,” sobbed pert 18 year-old Celia from Tooting Bec, “when I came home one afternoon and he was hacking himself. Also his show isn’t doing very well”.

Celia plans to dish the dirt all over again in her new book, Babysitting Piers, available from BarclayBro Publications. She will join a throng of dirt-dishers gunning for Arse Rim Pong, including Amanda Holden, Heather Mills, Nancy Dell’Olio, James Hewitt, Sue Akers, and the British Army.

Next week: What Piers Morgan was doing on 9/11, and his links to Al-Q’eada

Post navigation

3 thoughts on “News of the World exhumed for last final au revoir special fond farewell”

John, you remember that film “The Italian Job”? Yes you do. I don’t mean that trashy remake with one of the Beastie Boys…. I mean the original with Michael Caine and Noel Coward (as Mr Bridger), Fred Emney and Benny Hill (as Professor Peach). There’s a memorable line in which Camp Freddy, visting the prison in which the incarcerated Noel Coward holds court, questions Mr Bridger about the likelihood of co-opting Professor Peach into the plan, saying…”Mr Bridger, what if the professor isn’t bent?” To which Noel replies…”Camp Freddy, everyone in the WORLD is bent.”

And now I know exactly what he meant.
After rummaging around the fringes of the Media Standards Trust and stumbling across the involvement of its chairman in the Leveson Inquiry, I thought I might as well go the whole hog and look up ol’ man Leveson himself.
Only Camp Freddy’s wide-eyed naivete could have surpassed my own. There, in black and white, was what I never dreamt I would find.
“In his capacity as Chairman of the Sentencing Council, and with the knowledge of the Lord Chief Justice, Lord Justice Leveson attended two large evening events at Mr Matthew Freud’s London home: these were on July 29, 2010, and January 25, 2011,” his boss Lord Judge said in a statement.

For those of you who would appreciate a reminder, Matty is married to Rippah Murdoch’s daughter, Elizabeth

Leveson’s office claimed that Prime Minister David Cameron was aware of the attendance, and yet has not expressed any opposition. Well, he was, and he wouldn’t, would he?

“Camp Freddy, everyone in the world is bent”. Not a lot of people know that…………
Kennyboy

Woman scorned! Oh the smell of fury in the air. John is on the crest of the newstory wave as per usual. I don’t know If I could actually be bothered to read about Peersie…My new name for him is peeriste, small insect… etc,etc