~ Recovering Codependent ~Growth & Healing Through Healthy Boundaries

Tag Archives: Courage

I really got a lot out of reading this post tonight so I wanted to share it on my page. I know I can certainly relate. You don’t always see it when you are enmeshed in the situation but once you find the strength of self-love then you know how much greater your worth is than being abused. A trauma bond can happen to anyone but give yourself grace and spend time healing.

What does it mean to be traumatically bonded to someone and how does it affect someone?

I know this is a subject that has been well researched and documented, but I am trying to understand it for myself in the context of my relationship with my ex-husband. Although we are divorced, I feel a tug towards him. It was an unhealthy, abusive relationship yet I still manage to brush over the bad and focus on his good points to my detriment. I know that this pull runs deep, and I have been reading up about the deep emotional connection of a trauma bond to try and save myself.

First of all, from what I have recently read, a trauma bond exists with two important dynamics; a power imbalance and intermittent good-bad treatment. Trauma bonds are cemented with the fear of, threat of or actual violence. The trauma bond causes the…

TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses my friend’s suicide attempt. Please do not read it if this is a trigger.

So much can happen in one year. Do any of you remember last year? Last Christmas, last Thanksgiving, last Summer? Those can bring such fond memories, right? I remember all those times as well as an exceptional moment one year ago today. I say exceptional because what started out as a terrifying incident turned out to be God’s mercy and showing how He works in and through others for his purpose.

Flashback with me for a moment, if you will. I started attending a local church and became a member about two years ago. I was becoming very engaged and because I was so involved I met many friends. One of them being one of my truest and best friends yet, Chris. Around here on WordPress he’s known as the brilliant writer for Surviving the Specter. After you read this story, I would highly suggest you visit his page and familiarize yourself with his battles and victories.

Chris and I have known each other for about a year and a half now. Once you meet him, you instantly love his personality. He’s a fun guy to be around, can make you laugh and is a great drummer in Rock Band. Yeah I said it! LOL! Hey, every good Rock Band lead guitarist needs a good “Tommy Lee”. And that would be him. 🙂

He has always been a great listener. There have been times where I’d call for advice about my painful divorce or my estrangement from my mom and he was always there with the right words. Never hesitated to pray with me and would drop everything to be supportive. He didn’t always take a biased stance though. That’s too easy. He was real and fair when it came to my dilemmas. He would let me know where I might want to take a look at my own short comings. But he did it in a gentle loving way. Never did I get offended. He is a wise friend who I’m lucky to say has never turned his back when others may have. He’s been steadfast…he’s one of my best friends for life!

September 14, 2014 was a Sunday. That morning I texted Chris on my way to church to ask if he’d be going to service. His response was that he overslept and wouldn’t make it. I asked him if everything was ok and he texted back Yes with a happy faced smiley emoticon. I put my phone in my purse and headed into church. It was a good service that I recall. I had lunch with some friends afterwards and then stopped by the grocery store for food for the week. Came home and settled in for the day.

As I mentioned earlier, I had been nursing old wounds of the past and that day I isolated myself to deal with them alone. Painful emotions would creep in from time to time when I was alone and that day I cried as I thought about my broken marriage. I sobbed as I thought of my estrangement with my mother. Those were my two biggest emotional triggers and they could spring up on me at anytime. And that day, I didn’t call anyone. Not on the phone at least. I did look up and with tears streaming down my face I asked God to please let me hear Him. I remember telling Him that I didn’t feel like I had a purpose. I wanted Him to speak to me and show me that I was on the path He wanted me on and to show me what my purpose was. I was just emotionally drained. I remember shutting off all of my electronics so I could feel even more hibernated from the world and I decided to open my Bible. I sat and read scripture for awhile with the TV off in total silence in my house. It was deafening.

Around 10pm that night I started getting ready for bed. Locked up and shut all the lights off. I crawled into bed and something popped into my mind to turn my phone on. I had kept it off all day but I never have my phone off at night. I pressed the power button on my iPhone and waited for it to power on. Shortly, after it powered on and while I was still holding it, a text came through almost as in 3-D on my screen. It was from Chris and it was 10:12pm (I’ll never forget the time stamp). It read “Do you have any sleeping pills? I’m trying to die.” It took me a mega second to wrap my brain around what I just read but I knew enough to try and call him right away. I hit his number from my favorites list on my phone and started changing back into my jeans and t-shirt as I listened to the phone ring over and over with no answer. Voice mail. I was leaving a message as I was grabbing my purse and keys and running out the door. Got in my car and dialed again. Voicemail. I left another message. A message that told him to call me back. We could talk through whatever he was dealing with. I told him I was on my way and not to give up. Once that message was done I called back again. Over and over each time getting his voice mail.

I drove through the night to his apartment which is 45 minutes from my house on a good day. That night, I surpassed all speed limits on the highway. It wouldn’t shock me if I was going 90mph maybe even pushing 100mph at some points. I do know I got there in 20 minutes flat.

All the way there I did my best to push the panic out of my mind and the sick feeling from my stomach but it was only reinforced when I got to his apartment and ran up to the locked door with no answer to my banging and screaming his name. Through an open window I heard very loud metal music. I knew it was bad. The words coming through the window were as dark as the pitch black evening that night. On the brink of completely losing it, I took a deep breath and tried to think of a way to get in. I realized I could message his upstairs neighbor who was a friend of his. I did. She had a key THANK GOD! I asked her to let me in and she said “he’s probably sleeping, he asked me for sleeping pills earlier.” Although she didn’t give him any I showed her the text he’d sent me. She immediately put the key in the door and turned the knob.

We both walked in on a scene that was of a very broken, Chris. She was walking ahead of me and all I heard her say was “Oh My God I’m calling the police!” I walked around her toward the bedroom where Chris was. He was standing up but clearly intoxicated. He was staggering back and forth. It took me a second to realize he had a belt around his neck. He was tethered to his closet doorknob somehow. I was eerily calm inside but on the outside I must have been clearly shaken up because I couldn’t get my hands to grasp the belt around his neck to get it unhooked. I then decided I’d unhook the belt from the doorknob which took about three tries before I yanked it off. He had it on tight with zip ties so it was rather insanely difficult. That must be the adrenaline everyone talks about. Once the belt came loose from the knob, he started to fall. I braced his fall as much as I could but he took me down with him when he hit the floor. At that time I was able to see the belt hook more clearly and I was able to steady my hands enough to get it off. He was face down on the floor and starting to fall asleep. I remember I kept calling his name and telling him don’t fall asleep. “Wake up, Chris! No, you can’t fall asleep!” I asked him over and over if he could hear me. Clearly he couldn’t but I had to keep talking to him.

The cops appeared in his apartment after what seemed like hours but I think that whole thing must have only lasted a few minutes. I waited outside with his neighbor and a few others. I can’t describe the feeling that finally started creeping in when I watched him being carried out on a stretcher to the ambulance.

I remember that drive home at 2am. I don’t recall feeling anything but shock. I didn’t sleep that night and as soon as I could, I got dressed and went up to the hospital to see him. I recall being swamped with friends and his family hugging me and crying telling me how grateful they were. The word angel came up many times and I had a hard time viewing myself that way. I truly felt like I did what ANYONE would do. It didn’t seem to be a title I deserved. But I will say looking back, I walked into an apartment of a man that battled many demons that night. If I was able to thwart their success in taking his life then I will gladly be the warrior in that fight.

It was hard to see my best friend laying in ICU in restraints. I was actually nervous to go back and see him that morning. Pretty ironic since I should have been more fearful of what I saw the night before and although the scene was a scary one, I focused more on getting him help than admitting we could lose him.

One week later, I went to church and cried the entire time I was there remembering what had happened the week prior. I thanked God so many times for using me. I gave Him all of the glory. A song was played in church that hasn’t been played since and I will never forget it. Every time I hear it I can see the whole thing play out in my mind that night and then I realize WHO was in control that whole time. I’ve linked the video below. I would love for you to take the time to listen and read the words. The song is called Miracle Maker.

Today, Chris and I share a bond that will most likely last a lifetime. I believe God puts people in our lives for a reason. God showed me what my purpose was after I cried out to Him that I felt useless. Chris was battling his own sadness at the very same time. God works miracles everyday! Chris is a miracle!

You are loved by so many, Chris! You make the world a brighter place! Today, one year later, it’s a celebration of your life and you are a survivor! xoxox

I’ve been a little disconnected from writing lately and to be honest I wasn’t entirely sure why. Writers block, busy after work, or just plain laziness….there’s no shame there, I’ll tell you guys the truth LOL!

It’s time I get my keyboard fired up again and crank out some recent ideas that I’ve had for my readers.

I’ve had it on my mind lately to share the 12 steps of conquering codependency. I completed the faith-based 12 step program a few months ago at my church and it has truly changed how I relate to people and situations. It also required me to take a long hard look at myself. I think everyone could benefit from a 12 step program, in my opinion.

I watched my mother go through the 12 steps as a recovering alcoholic. I never thought as a codependent I’d need one. Boy, was I wrong. Each week, I worked a new step. It was a grueling process at times but it helped shape who I am today. Those closest to me have seen tremendous progress because they’ve told me so.

So here’s my idea….each week for the next 12 weeks I will touch on each step and summarize/highlight the purpose behind each one. So let’s jump in tonight, shall we?

Step 1 – We admit to ourselves we were powerless over other people; our needs to be needed and our compulsions to rescue others have made our lives unmanageable.

My first week in this program and this hit me smack in the face. I realized I needed to be needed and I was clearly a rescuer. My life had been unmanageable because of it. My accountability in my divorce hinged on me being a “fixer”….a mother instead of a wife….the compulsion to rescue because then I would be needed.

One of the most tragic traits of codependency is the loss of identity. I can honestly say that when I was married, I put everything into my husband. I didn’t spend time with my friends. I did whatever he wanted in order to keep him happy. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was upset, I was upset. I wanted the control but I allowed his mood to change mine yet I would do whatever I could to make his life more manageable. Keep him in a good frame of mind, so to speak. We learn in our own dysfunction growing up that we must please others in order to gain approval.

Everyone must have a basis for self worth. As a codependent, we base our self worth in other people. Fixing their problems…taking on their responsibilities. God intends for that self worth to originate from grace – a free gift offered to you by HIM. We are valuable to our Heavenly Father and we do not need to seek value from others.

There are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you fall into a pattern of codependency:

Do I often feel isolated and afraid of people especially authority figures?

Am I an approval seeker?

Do I feel frightened of angry people?

Do I feel I’m a victim in personal or professional relationships?

Do I feel an overdeveloped sense of responsibility with regard to others?

Is it hard for me to look at my own faults and responsibility to myself?

Do I feel guilty when I stand up for myself?

Do I feel addicted to excitement?

Do I confuse love with pity?

Is it difficult for me to feel or express feelings?

Do I judge myself harshly?

Do I have low self esteem?

Do I often feel abandoned in the course of my relationships?

Do I tend to be reactive?

One thing that shocked me is that our codependent traits are the marks of a wonderful, caring and strong person. The problem is as you journey through life you may have created painful habits out of these traits that may steal your joy.

There are also common defense mechanisms that codependents take on based on the “feelings” listed above. Do any of these defense mechanisms sound familiar?

The Perfectionist – you’ll be accepted if you perform perfectly

The Martyr – the more pain you carry the more praise you earn

The People Pleaser – to gain others acceptance you never make anyone angry.

The Caretaker – you take care of others responsibilities

The Stuffer – expressing emotions are inappropriate

The Fixer – you take care of others emotions instead of your own

I may spend more time later on each of these defense mechanisms because it’s well worth it to expand upon. In the meantime, you may recognize yourself in one or more of them.

This step is frightening to us because our defense mechanisms are all that stand between us and our freedom without looking to others for acceptance. Once this step is taken a whole new world awaits you based on your identity in Christ….not anyone else.

The compulsion to control is a huge factor as a codependent. I know first hand what that was like for me. I felt like I was in control of my marriage as well as my broken relationship with my mother. I would fix it no matter what I needed to do. I was the CEO, COO, CFO and any other “chief” that I could fit into my world. As long as I controlled it, I was good. I think this comes from growing up in a situation that was chaotic. Codependency is cultivated in families that have great needs. A family with an alcoholic, drug dependent, physically, mentally or emotionally ill or needy in some other way. We, then, do not learn healthy management skills relationally. Instead, we are focused on the immediate crisis and rescuing a family member.

Our hope in recovery hinges entirely on admitting that we are powerless. It does not mean you are weak or incompetent. It means we recognize the limits to our power and we need to “let go and let God”. Recognizing that we are powerless actually makes us emotionally healthy.

Step 1 is the first step into reality. It’s the beginning. Learning to see the entire staircase is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Each step has to be completed in order to see a transformation within yourself….just like the caterpillar to the butterfly. You don’t get your wings in this first step but hang with me and you’ll be in your cocoon soon. Growth will happen!

A huge shout out goes to one of my favorite bloggers, Terri with Diary of a Recovering Codependent! She is the creator of the Courage to Change award and she was so kind to nominate me.

I was literally speechless today when I saw the nomination and I have to honestly say that it was quite the honor to accept something like this from someone that has first hand knowledge of the struggles I’ve faced as a codependent myself. She has more years of recovery on me but knows how much of a daily battle it is to keep our codependent nature in check.

She is one of the first to respond to my very transparent posts, she was one of the first five bloggers that I followed and vice versa and I learn something new from her journey almost daily.

I am looking forward to “paying it forward” by nominating others that I feel are so deserving of this award as well.

Thank you again, Terri!

The “Courage to Change” Award

I want to acknowledge that it takes courage to put ourselves out there for the world to see.

It takes courage to work through the pain that binds us.

It takes courage to make changes in our lives.

It takes courage to leave behind everything you have always known (mentally, emotionally & sometime physically) and do things differently.

Courage is:

the ability to do something that frightens one

strength in the face of pain or grief

I would like to present the following bloggers with the very first “Courage to Change” Awards:

The guidelines for this award:

Award it to whomever you chose and let them know

No questions to ask

No questions to answer

If you receive the award, there is nothing you have to do but KNOW others support and believe in you! However, I hope you to pay it forward and encourage someone who is on their own personal journey to freedom (from whatever they may be struggling with).