Thursday, April 28, 2011

I have had a weird few weeks, feeling vulnerable, like at any moment anyone close to me could pull the plug,
Emotional, physically..... ......When does the turmoil stop,
Sigh...
Hiltons birthday is around the corner, trying to get his last present ready for his 21st birthday,
•( See pic) A cool stone, thanks to 404 stone and Dave the engraver...that will memorialized HIM for life...

I promise to post lots of pictures.......
And tell you where it is so you can go...
There will be no fan fare a closed door event,
to put his ashes to rest,
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•As you can see from the blog we have moved the videos to the front
We got hilton's voice from his voice mail, and josef from lifeline took the liberty to put some pictures to it,
( I have not listened to it)
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I have had people again ask me to remove and change stuff on the blog, I just can't change what I wrote, sorry...
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Work is weird, some days I feel like I'm king of the world, sometimes I feel like curling up and vomiting,
•to my staff, mike, stan, Less, robin,..... And there people , there teams
....thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there , not for the pay cheque but because you wanted to help and continue to help.... You guys have good people around you and please make sure you thank everyone for helping out...
I want to thank Jim ( he took me golfing, and I really needed to get out,
My sleep habits suck.... Fore instance ... I don't sleep....
Dreams are
no longer dreams of my son, but of people I don't know well, yet have met once
trying to take away a person from my life....
I have loss issues!!!!
Scared to lose anything...... Dave told me that...

I just don't want to lose any more stuff, ... I will figure this out....???!!!???
My my moms boyfriend, my brothers all call me "arrogant", .......
Everyone has high expectations of me, yet when I perform under pressure and make choices,-
keep movin forward,
it becomes arrogant..... And I am..!!!

Its in my make up,
I know ( sigh.... Its good for people to tell me so I can improve myself)
I'm controlling
I'm egotistical...
I'm humble
Kind
And
fair
Actually for all my shitty qualities I have .... I think I have a few good ones....
Whoops I'm being arrogant....again..

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Fuck who cares what others think.... Everyone is so critical....
I can only be me, and I have to be good with me...
I hope my kids kat and georg are good with themselves regardless of who is critical.....of them..

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So a girl approached me at the aurora pool while I was swimming with me kids and said: "i recognised my tattoo".... (Sigh)She knew it was for hilton, she said she was at the funeral.
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Sigh......... Wtf do ya do with that... A strange person approaches and says.........I knew your kid, I'm proud and sad, scared, and worried......
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I have a new friend, she is cool, and is a lot of fun,
She can be tough on me, hard, challenge me to be strong, yet still be very kind, yet sometime I don't think she knows that she challenges me to be more confident....
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Chris. Came into stans office to show some cool stuff that the group are doing for hilton
They made
Some cool plates for the top of the boards and a key chain , dog tag....
Fucking awesome...
Easter by the way was fucked up for me..... Displaced, lost and awkward, a new family, kindly allowed me to enjoy there company.....

Hilton, I love you......
This year of first is really hard, and every time I think I have. My act together.......I don't......
Hilton I miss you......

Thursday, April 14, 2011

A really good friend and business partner Anthony serdula came and visited me in nashville while on conference for PRSM....
Hugs me and hands me his wife's published book.......
We ended the night and I through the book on the bed without a look,
I'm grateful for the book but to be honest, about 10 people have handed me books in the last 4 months... And not that I don't appreciate it, but I just have not had the attention span to read dog shit, and self help is not where I'm at.....
Saying that I go to therapy every week,

Being busy at the conference and I wish I could tell you I was selling, but the truth be known I have been busy at this conference hiding,
hiding from people....
Building courage to face people for the first time since my sons death.
(Sigh)
Every introduction every hello, every how have you been, how is your year....????????????????
Makes my throat close up and my head spin.... People stare and are not sure what to say, and I must continue to face the harsh reality of my anxiety.
Life must go on. Without hilton.....

And then fuck , tony come and hands me another self help book.... Omg...sarcasm....
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Last night a good friend
Sent me an email with his regrets for not coming to the conference...... His reason......................................his son , his 20 year old son was in ICU...... When I received this email, I did not even finish it..... I called my friend, choking back tears, we spoke for 20 minutes and shared each other stories.....
His son is stable...... Thank fucking god, and out of ICU
But I'm an emotional mess.....
Not being able to breath... I call another friend and sit in a corner and cry and cry.... While on the phone..... Not wanting to face anyone any more.....
I'm not sure if anyone ( unless you lost a child ) can truly understand what that shitty wave of emotional free falling feels like......
And when you hear of another young man in the ICU....... And you know the Dad,,,, well let me tell you how much chest pain I had that night.
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Monday night: I run into another friend at mortons steak house.....
Chris ..... Big crazy chris....
God love him
he hugs me,
and squeezes me
and tells me how much he loves me....
He made me feel great,
He wasn't scared of my sons death or my sadness. He embraced it....
He is the type of man that believes...
another man that sticks out is Duane Smith..... He looks at me and looks away.. And sticks out a fist, and knuckles me and say.... Your a strong man,
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This has been my first public appearance Since hiltons death
Being asked
How are you?
I'm sorry!
I heard?
Are you ok!
I read the blog
Good on you for being here
Did something tragic
happen?
I love you man
I have been living this with you
You'll be ok....?!
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WOW..... Its tough really hard on me,
And not drinking or letting my guard down, tense, over kill on pressure
with all the anxiety in my head about hilton,
a bigger worry ,
is I came here thinking I might see ciaran or mike and antagonise me because there only goal is to destroy me.... ........ My head spins.... I think to much...
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Tuesday: The show is coming to an end
I don't think I got any new customers, I hope janice did,
And now on tuesday morning hiding in my hotel room I read from cover to cover..... That book.... That book that Tony gave me......
Healing truth..... Funny, I learn more about myself reading this book at one of the most insecure times of my life in nashville.
Why now*
When I should be downstairs. Hunting for a new customer...
Working.
Time and fate...... It was meant to be....I guess...
Thank you Anne Serdula, knowing your husband made the book even more intimate then it should have been.... It made me cry...in a good way....
I can't wait to meet you and hug you and thank you for the gift of your thoughts...
Tim byrne signing off, and hopefully turning a corner
I'm tired,

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Sunny warm day in Aurora ontario, no wind, I have a ton of things to do before I leave .

Dry cleanersBank.Funeral home ( reg visit these days)ShoppersStaplesMetro Gotta pack Change the sheets on my bed, .........All this to do busy busy busy... and underneath these small simple task I'm dying inside, fearful I might have to see someone post hilton s death...

Going around town moving faster then my mind, as I don't want my thoughts to catch up with me in case I have to face some emotional dog shit.....

Robin in my office told me this morning lisa at the bank is not at the bank..... So if I'm going for American money... She is not there...... Dammit, she is not there... Despite the fact every time I see lisa I choke up ... It comforting because I broke through those wall with lisa long ago about 3 days after hilton died., ......

as I make my way around town, TD bank is one of many, stops.wellington and young branch, ... Shit lisa has not been there in a year, staff changes? and I'm sure I won't know anyone ...so...boom boom boom .... In I went strong and confident...

As I approached the counter, the girl behind the counter recognised me, and I her, no word were passed other then business, but my spidy senses told me she knew...

Silence while we waited for her computer to catch up with my request... I said without EYE contact...." You know?" .... She said with out eye contact...." I do Tim".......

the girl I'm dealing with reaches for my hand I take it..... A gentle nod.... And I run away.

Out side to fresh air, like I was drowning , the cool spring air was like the first gasp after a deep dive.......

I really hate that feeling, of, facing people post hiltons death.....and at that moment I really need someone to talk to some where to turn... Right at that moment, And I have no one.... So lonely......

So hilton, I want you to know how proud I am of you, even though your life was cut short, you did a lot of shit, you were strong and kind, tough, opinionated, quick, smart, really fucking smart, much smarter then your father.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm really pissed off you were stolen from me.

Mourning you is really hard, exhausting ....

I don't sleep well, shitty,

I pray to you all the time,

Its been 5 months since you died,

I slowed down writing on the blog, not because I don't want too, but I was tired of people being so self consumed , people would contact me and reflect what they read on them selves..... They say: " was that me you were speaking about"

Or I would get told; " its time to get back to work"

Or " every time I read your blog its the same"

So I just took a little break... But buddy I'm back.... Don't worry, I haven't gone anywhere...
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I want to say to Kat and georg : I love you, I'm sorry for everything you have had to go through, I love you both unconditional, I respect you both, and think you are terrific strong passionate girls... Loyal,
I'm so proud of you both.
as you grow up, help each other, stand beside each other, guide each other....
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I promise I have not gone anywhere.... I'm right here.

I love you both.. So much...

You Dad....

Ps: I know hilton would be proud of me writing in this blog.....good , bad, the ugly.... He would repect it, he would tell me I'm stupid, but he would be proud that I'm writing it...