Funny Jokes, Quotes, Videos & More

Ligh Bulb Jokes

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Californians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs! Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience. How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb? “Hey Bob, this is Carol … I think I have a light bulb out over here.” How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, none … they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh] How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None of your fuckin’ business, get outta my way! 50. 50? Yeah 50; it’s in the contract. How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it’s the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria. How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? We don’t know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? What do you mean change it? It’s a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ve are asking ze qvestions here! Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter. How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it. How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb? 9000 and its their light bulb How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don’t need to, they glow in the dark. How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb? None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark. One, and a lot of light bulbs. Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair. How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre? One, if you aim well. What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? Neither one is very bright. A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers. “Don’t bother, I’ll reach it anyway.” How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles. Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don’t hire some African Americans to do it. How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary’s sister’s next door neighbors’ priest’s cousin’s union shop steward’s uncle’s Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew’s best friend did it real cheap for me once. How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.) How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry. How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in. How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? It doesn’t matter, they don’t have any electricity anymore. How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb? One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping….. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? One hundred – One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!! How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in. How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place. How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say “Good onyer, mate!” How many armies does it take to change a light bulb? At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening. How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it. How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb? As many as possible. How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment. Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb. How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? Less and less all the time. How many believable, competent, “just right for the job” presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? It’s going to be a dark 4 years, isn’t it? How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb? 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can’t even spell “light bulbe”, eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate’s families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy. How many aides does it take to change President Reagan’s light bulb? None, they like to keep him in the dark. How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? Two — One to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. None — He’ll only promise “change.” How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House? Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House. How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb? The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering “ditto”. And they don’t do anything in the first place. How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran. How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know, he can’t decide if he is going to screw a light bulb in or not! (Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.) How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb? None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his light bulb to Iran. How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb. How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses. How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb? Note: Topical to Reagan’s apparent poor memory. Just one – Nancy. Note: Topical to Reagan’s dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987 How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb? Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial (“The bulb is really just dim”), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation. How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all just quit and go home! How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The invisible hand does it. None. “There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again.” None, because, look! It’s getting brighter! It’s definitely getting brighter !!! How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? None. “Well it’s not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of…(blah blah waffle)” How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one’s knee from jerking. None: They can’t remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier. None, they only screw the poor How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb? None. They haven’t got a policy on that. How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it’s his business. None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark. How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s up to the private sector to provide the finance for it. How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago. How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs. None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two – one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out. How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb? One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘800’ number to order an American light bulb. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself. How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s the proletariat’s work! Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones. How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10,000 – to give the bulb a cultural revolution. How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb? One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant “Fight Darkness!” How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them. How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people. How many IBM CPU’s does it take to turn on a light bulb? 33 – 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt. How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb? We don’t know yet. They’re still waiting on a part. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. “We’ll fix it in software.” How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. “We’ll document it in the manual.” None. It’s a hardware problem. One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,… Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn’t broken. Let’s try it again. It’s hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working. The change is 90% complete. We looked at the light fixture and decided there’s no point trying to maintain it. We’re going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months? Only one, but she’s not available. She’s the only programmer we have who can get the software ready to ship to customers, and that’s higher priority, you know. Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb. How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Real programmers prefer LEDs. How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they forgot to declare it first How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb? 24 hours – 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light bulb change message. How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb? Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb? 1.00000000001 How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10