The 4 Hidden Reasons Some Men Don't Want Sex

The cultural myth that a man doesn't want sex because his wife is unattractive or unenthusiastic simply isn’t true. Beautiful, fit, desirable—and desiring—women regularly make sex therapy appointments to complain about husbands who don't want sex.

Why does this happen? Here are four reasons—and resolutions:

1. His work is his mistress. When men are passionately involved with their careers, they can sublimate sexual excitement that would normally be directed toward their wives. The accolades, money and ego boost from being regularly praised, or promoted, can be a turn-on.

Resolution: Be interested in the details of his career so you can share this aspect of his life. Take a quick note or two to remember specific project details. But also request that there be an hour of "couple time" with cell phones turned off every day, and a date night every week. Also: Consider scheduling intimacy time for the morning.

2. Sexual Autonomy. He doesn't want to negotiate sex and so takes his desire, literally, into his own hands. He masturbates to porn or his own fantasies because it's quick and efficient. Some men feel exquisite vulnerability at being dependent on another person for their desire to be quenched. Our society idealizes a man who needs nothing–the rugged individual, the Marlboro man, the take-charge-don’t-take-anything-from-anyone guy. Boys can internalize the idea that being dependent makes them less male. And childhood patterns of interrupted care, or neglect from constantly busy parents, can cause boys—and girls—to decide that needing is dangerous.

Resolution: Tell your husband that sex is necessary for your marital happiness. Request that he try to cease from masturbation to build partner desire. Remind yourself that his lack of desire might not be personal, but a defense against loss of attachment. And agree on a frequency of intimacy that makes you both happy.

3. Anxiety about ED, EE and DE. Erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation might have diverse causes but their common factors—a man’s frustration, worry and feelings of inadequacy—can shut things down sexually between you.

Resolution, for older men: The issue may be less about truly low libido than performance anxiety. But these feelings may lead them to turn away from sex right at the time their post-menopausal wives are worried about waning attractiveness. Make an appointment with a urologist first and check his testosterone levels. (If he needs sildenafil (Viagra), be enthusiastic about the extra time that can be spent in foreplay.) Also, ask for “sexy time” and talk about the desire for stoking and being naked together. Ask for your own orgasm and potentially the lack of pressure will allow his natural response.

Resolution, for younger men: Younger men struggling with these issues will double their anxiety by worrying about their partner’s reaction, so, first, be kind. Second, be insistent about him getting help. Women, of course, want their partner to climax but increasing the flexibility about how that happens (perhaps not inside the vagina but occasionally lying together while he finishes with masturbation) will reduce his anxiety. Early ejaculation is easily resolved with sex therapy, but ask him about his porn use to see if that is a factor in his ED or difficulty with reaching orgasm.

4. His inner world outvotes the caveman. A reticent, kind, male patient who struggled with low libido finally opened up about three aspects of his libido: One part was an awkward teenager who felt anxious about initiating. A second part was a 20-something, feminist male who thought sex was degrading for women. The third aspect—a caveman—was horny and hungry for sex. He said that the first two characters always outvoted the blatant needs of the third and so he remained silent with his wife about his desire. She listened in awe as her usually quiet husband revealed his complexity, later asking if just once she might have sex with his caveman.

Resolution: Use psychodynamic therapy or dream analysis to help understand the inner make-up of his libido.

Perhaps one suggestion will be to incorporate "seductive practices" into the couples' lives.

Routine advice to men who do not receive sex from partners is to help around the house, take care of the kids and "date" their partner. But, the description about scheduling has all of the attraction as routine dental exams.

It is just not "Scheduling" it is "living" sexuality as part of your lives alone and as a couple.

There are lots of ways that women can up the heat in a relationship. But, putting it on the calendar, while helpful when distraction and competing demands cut-out sex, in my view will not solve this issue.

It is a risk to try to interact with your partner sexually daily when he or she may reject you. But, there typically is not much gain without the risk. The burden of this risk falls on the unhappy spouse -- man or woman.

There's something that is not mentioned here and that's initiation on her part as well as choice regarding when to have sex.

Number 2 for example, Sexual Autonomy:

If a man has to constantly invest a tonne of time and effort into sex then he might naturally gravitate toward this. Your article is geared to females but you don't mention that if she is not initiating or being obvious about wanting and every time he wants to there's an hour or more or prep time getting her in the mood, he's very likely going to start skipping that and getting to the point quicker. Toss int he odd quicky for him, in other words (as a woman you like to be wooed, warmed up, made comfortable and then you will let him in, he likes it NOW so give it to him sometimes, walk up, rip down his pants and grab him, no questions, no work, just passion).

Number 4:

Same as in number 2:

"Use psychodynamic therapy or dream analysis to help understand the inner make-up of his libido."

No, walk up and grab his you know what and do something very sexy with it, initiate and show that you like sex and that his prior teachings are incorrect. As a male grows up he is bombarded, especially now, with messages that his every act is sexist and that any physical act toward a female is assault. On top of that, while walking up to one woman and grabbing her bum might be sexual assault, another will enjoy it, there's no consistency. Be forward, tell the guy what you want. Hell, take of your clothes and start masturbating for him sometime, his inner argument will cease if the caveman is watching his girl get herself off...

This is about women who WANT sex, who are READY for it, and men who REFUSE to give it to them. Arguing that the problem is that these women never initiate sex or have to be worked for hours to get in the mood is missing the point entirely.

"he likes it NOW so give it to him sometimes, walk up, rip down his pants and grab him, no questions, no work, just passion"

When I tried that with my ex-husband, he told me he felt used.

"No, walk up and grab his you know what and do something very sexy with it, initiate and show that you like sex and that his prior teachings are incorrect."

When I tried that with my ex-husband, he told me it made him feel bad.

That's a very straightforward response - "the man should explore such things in therapy" - but as a woman who has spent more than her fair share of time in the therapeutic chair, it's ... really a little simplistic.

In the US, as well as other cultures that permeate it, there is an *extreme* resistance by men to even consider therapy - especially in this time of instant gratification and the glorification of the short attention span. Men are considered "weak" for even thinking about it ... and heaven help him if the suggestion to attend was made by his wife or girlfriend (and the ever-present "buddies" - however old these dudes are, from 20s to 60s - get even a sniff of it).

And how many times have men walked out of your sessions when confronted with their behavior being unhealthy and /or unpleasant and/or detrimental to the partnership?

I submit that until "helping" professionals have actual, useful, concrete responses to questions like this and tools for involved partners to help handle this portion of the equation ... then those "professionals" really aren't helping at all.

(This is one of those "Do you really want to solve the problem, or are you more interested in just looking like you're trying to solve the problem" issues. Therapy has been around for at least as long as some of these macho structures. I've been dealing with these types of issues for at least two generations -- with the men in my family of origin and now in my own relationships. It's *way* past time for the "professionals" to step up with some answers.)

You are correct, that was established at the start of the article but does the husband know this? Lots of men receive mixed signals and since society says that breathing is sexist may just take the cautionary route that their wife "might" want to make out but she may also not want to. If she's not being forward about it or vocalizing it he may not have a clue.

"and men who REFUSE to give it to them. Arguing that the problem is that these women never initiate sex or have to be worked for hours to get in the mood is missing the point entirely."

Note number 2 from the article:

"He doesn't want to negotiate sex and so takes his desire, literally, into his own hands."

Which easily fits your sentence of "Arguing...". Tonnes of men I know have or are ready to give up on sex because it's just too hard and that isn't fair.

Another one that isn't mentioned as far as men not wanting to have sex is them suppressing it to avoid the frustration. Men are visually stimulated and this can be frustrating, especially if your wife is constantly running around in uber tight clothing so you live in perpetual horn. This is frustrating and there's no on/off switch so I think some men just suppress all of sexuality (I know I'd give anything to turn off the visual aspect of it, man the freedom, ability to concentrate without being distracted, lol). On top of being very visually stimulated, males lose cognitive ability interacting with females as well and he might just be sick of the frustrated dumbness and engage in suppressing his desires.

"may just take the cautionary route that their wife "might" want to make out but she may also not want to. If she's not being forward about it or vocalizing it he may not have a clue."

You're changing the topic. This is not about confused men who don't have a clue. This is about men who outright refuse to have sex with their willing wife. These men know, but they don't want to.

"Tonnes of men I know have or are ready to give up on sex because it's just too hard and that isn't fair."

What exactly "is too hard" when you have a willing wife right there? There's little to negociate when she's *willing and waiting*, so no, this isn't what number 2 in the article refers to.

"Men are visually stimulated and this can be frustrating, especially if your wife is constantly running around in uber tight clothing so you live in perpetual horn."

I don't get it. If you're horny and your wife is willing to have sex (which is, if you remember, the basis for this article), then... why not have sex?? Why would you turn off your sexuality when you can fulfill it with a willing wife instead!? I don't understand the logic...

By the way: if these uber tight clothes just happen to be lingerie, then you've got your clue right there! She wants sex all right.

(Also: so men suppress their sexuality when their wives wear sexy clothes, and they lose it when their wives 'let themselves go' and wear comfy and unsexy clothes at home? Sounds to me like women can never win! Whatever they wear, it's going to turn their husband's sexuality off.)

I don't understand why it seems so hard for you to accept that yes, there are men out there, who have wives openly willing to have sex with them, and yet who refuse to engage in sex with said wives. Accepting that these men exist is not a slight against you or your own sexuality, or against all men. It's just... one fact among many.

You shutting this guy down may be why some people can't wrap their mind around this problem. The woman demanding sex at certain times, but being (even if seemingly) unavailable for sex at other points leads men to not want to give it at all.

Certainly you make a good point that men often like direct initiation even by way of direct genital contact. I would say that by and large, these women say they have tried everything to initiate just like men often say about their low libido female partners.

Unfortunately, women don't have the general hormonal makeup that matches men allowing very quick arousal. Yes - women need lots of foreplay and arousal.. it's the way their bodies work. That is said not without sympathy or even envy for the ease which the male body can respond..

"I would say that by and large, these women say they have tried everything to initiate" Ahhhhhh, if that's the case then even being forward may not work as yes, they've likely already tried this.

"Unfortunately, women don't have the general hormonal"

Understood and thanks for the sympathy and envy comment there, lol (most of the time it's just a complaint but a lot of us feel bad that we go quickly sometimes and can't help it so it's nice to see that recognized, lol).

Sometimes I don't want to eat what my wife puts on my plate but I smile and eat it like it's the best thing in the world (as in sometimes, hormones or not, you have to recognize what the other needs, not project what you need and assume, and give it to them, they'll give back).

That's good to know -- and it would have been better had the author indicated that this had all been tried and failed.

As a guy who likes sex and was similarly situated, I empathize with these ladies. From the "gender-opposite" point of view though, I can say that the express the tie-in between marriage sex and marriage health did not have much resonance when I tried it -- and our couples therapist raised it too.

I think in the circumstances you describe, the points raised by the author are valid -- there is no reason not to explore all the reasons. options after the intuitive fixes have been tried with no success.

Yes, John B... perhaps I should have made a bigger point than desiring and desirable... they've tried it on the porch, in a car, before the fireplace, before dinner, after dinner, on the dinner table, on a box, with a fox...etc..

I think it's just hard to see that some women share the frustration of their high desire male counterparts married to women with low libido. But they do!

All I know is it sure is depressing to have a husband who doesn't seem to ever really want you. As a woman, I want to be desired - so sue me! - but in spite of that I still initiated nearly all the sex in our 30+ years of marriage and now I'm just bitter about it. I took care of myself, I'm still attractive and very fit, and raring to go, but not so much with my still disinterested husband.

Knowing that there is someone out there that can understand exactly what I have been living for almost 30 years is just sad. I have finally given up on a physical relationship with my husband. He just can't be bothered and I am tired of beating myself up over it.

How sad is this and what a waste of your time and life. Life is too brief to live such a selfish and uncaring attitude to your needs. Sex is one of the basic needs and this also includes the feeling of being loved and wanted.
Your partner has the right to refuse sex or be neglectful of your needs and its up to you to draw your boundaries about what you accept from him. A cold relationship. without intimacy is not for you, is it. Have a word in his ear, no change then move on while you are still young enough. Dont let waste anymore of your time.

I have been in therapy for four years. When we might have had a chance to improve things he refused to go. Now that I have one foot out the door, and I'm not really interested in trying anymore, he has said he'll go (too late).

To further complicate things (and, talk about depressing!) my husband got prostate cancer two years ago, and the resultant ED is total, and the further lack of libido is severe. Now it is truly hopeless. We have not had sex in two years...I tried, but it was a complete disaster. We really did not have the communication tools to help, and he just doesn't care enough.

I never thought I would end up here at my age. I would love to have an intimate relationship with a man, but now it seems unlikely. I think most available men my age would prefer a younger woman (woe the woman who marries these old guys though!!! - different topic), or they have ED problems already and don't want to risk sex anymore.

The guy had CANCER and yet you're about to leave him (but haven't done so yet, probably for practical reasons) because he doesn't tend to your sexual needs? He tried a few times, and you call the result a "catastrophe"? I can bet you made a great deal of effort to hide your frustration from him, didn't you.

What would you think of a man who leaves his wife shortly after she survived breast cancer, because he doesn't like her without her fun bags? And because she's reluctant to try and please him sexually after a few "catastrophes"?

That's what the sense of entitlement has turned women into - talk about a major turn off!

I am recently married(46 days to be precise) after a brief courtship of 4 months. We met on a marriage portal, liked each other and got married. In those days, I noticed that he made few sexual advances. I casually enquired and confirmed that he liked me, found me attractive plus that he he'd gotten over his 'ex'.
Right from the first day, he has been disinterested in sex. In fact he did not even undress me the first few times, I dropped many hints, but he seemed so cold. After several nights of struggling, and confronting him (whether he was gay/ another woman/ stress/ED.. and what not..) I still do not have an answer.
Though now just to keep peace and me not walking out on him, forces him to make a few advances, yet I feel that these are merely to placate me and he does not get turned on 'seeing" me. Terribly frustrated, dejected and feel cheated...Why di he not tell me that he was not interested in sex?

I dated a guy who was keen at first to get me into bed. O.K you always have to be cautious of this at first. But when I felt comfortable, I made it known that I also had a high sex drive. He said I was 'sexy and beautiful'. And I didn't doubt for one second he fancied me as he always sat there with an erection in my company
In the end he was the one who withheld sex from me on more than one occasion. Confusing?! I'm guessing there was something going on.

This is a difficult question and very pressing for most people! He had sexual attraction and drive but he didn't pursue sex. Often too, desire fades because people protect themselves from the vulnerability of wanting... If I want with my body - I am utterly vulnerable... you might go away, love another or even die... It's primitive defense to turn off desire...

I think as a woman you have to be guarded, especially if a relationship isn't yet established. I don't want a guy just using me for sex or me just using him! Or have him think I sleep with lots of guys all of the time.

That raises an issue I have -- why should women have to be bashful about the fact that they like a lot of sex with a partner or potential partner? After all, that does not mean that a woman has to have sex with any particular person or at any particular time. Who cares how many men a woman has slept with. That's only the woman's business unless both partners make this an issue and want to abide by the same standard. Otherwise, what does it matter if its 5 of 50?

As for "using just for sex", that's a personal choice, isn't it? There is nothing wrong with it, in my view, as long as you and your partner both understand the rules of engagement.

In my view, misrepresenting sex is not a good thing. It creates expectations for one or both partners that are unlikely to come to be, even after marriage.

I you don't want sex, don't have it. If you don't want sex then, but like sex a lot, in my view you ought to let your partner know. He ought to be mature enough to understand that neither he or you have to have sex then, or ever, but that is you can reach the agreed on point, thing might be a lot of fun.

It seems to me that it's far past time to end the "good girls don't, at least not too often with too many" rule. In my view, determining the level of a partner's or potential partner's sexual appetite should not have to star Nicholas Cage and involve cryptic clues and a treasure map. (Unless, of course, you are into Nicholas Cage, trivia, and antique cartography. [smile])

I understand that you don't seem to empathize because, as a man, this is a double standard you don't have to deal with ... but trust me, men with a madonna/whore standard will crush you with this mess.

And there are plenty of those who exist, and they're not all just over 50 years old. Or over 30 years old. Google "we will push for sex" and "we want you to say no" and see what you get back.

If you want to do something about it, stop harassing women and saying 'You should get rid of that attitude" and start directing that instruction to your fellow men who are hung up on the concept of "not having been the first one there" or some such other ego-driven insanity.

I clicked the link fully expecting to see "stress" listed as a reason. My husband's libido is directly tied to his stress level. The more pressure he under, the less he wants (initiates) sex. The more smoothly business is going, the more he does. It's an ebb and flow, and I have come to understand that during his busiest times of year, it will wane. But during the slumps at work, I can look forward to the same guy I married, who was always aflame. Just pointing this out so not all wives who read this assume that he's either married to his job, ambivalent, watching porn, or anxious. It could just be that he's got a lot on his mind!!

Agreed. I was expecting stress too, it is definitely a libido killer. I envy you that there is an actual ebb and flow, that when there isn't stress he wants it more. My husband has a low libido all the time (since I've known him..almost 12 years). He's only 33. He is easily stressed out. But there was a time (maybe the first 5 yrs) when he wasn't stressed out but still had a low libido. Finally we got his testosterone tested and it was low. I felt like this was the problem all along. Yipee!! Right? Not so much. So he has been getting testosterone injections almost 4 months now. And he just got blood work that said his testosterone is up to 900 something! But there is NO difference in him. :-( I thought this would be the answer. He says he doesn't feel much of a difference from it(his anxiety is less but it's not a big difference). His job is super stressful, but still. He is going to look for a new job, and there is no way it can be as stressful as this one. But my hope is diminishing that he will have a higher libido with a less stressed job. We have a great relationship, we really do. That's why I'm so perplexed that getting his testosterone up didn't do the trick. Advice anyone??

Thank you. He did get bullied really bad growing up all through his school years (except college). He use to think no girl would want him. I do think it could subconsciously affect him without him realizing it. I just hope a psychologist can actually help fix that much damage. And that he'd be willing to go and do all the work.

Yes, this is another good point. Not all men are ready to go when they walk through the door and drop their briefcase... stress, grief, anxiety, depression (not to mention medications that treat these!) - all can interfere with the male sex drive!

I married as a teenager over 40 years ago. My husband was a dozen years older than me.

The first 20 years were fine with regard to our physical relationship. My husband and I were equal initiators of sex. We had fun. And then, like a dying ember, around the age of 50's he was rapidly no longer interested.

I was not even 40 years old, but my sex life with him was a thing of the past. I tried all the obvious approaches to seduce him - those mentioned by some commenters and lots more, but he rejected them all.

Over many months I asked nicely, I said please. I was basically begging for sex from my own husband - how humiliating is that? I tried to reason with him, I suggested marriage counseling or a visit to the doctor, and he flatly refused saying it shouldn't be that big a deal to me.

And then I just got angry and demanded my sex life back. I told him it was probably a testosterone issue and that it can be treated and that it's unreasonable to expect me to live as an unwilling celibate wife before I even turned 40. It was then that he told me that he just had no sexual attraction to me anymore, that it isn't that he can't perform, it's that he didn't have an interest in me anymore that way. How do you respond to that?

After having kids I'd gained some weight, but I'd gone from being very slender to gaining 20 lbs., not 120. I realized I didn't have the same fresh face and figure as when I became his teenage bride twenty years prior, but I still garnered a normal amount of affirmation from the opposite sex. Intellectually, I believed he was not being truthful, but emotionally his cruel "explanation" devastated me. I was literally being rejected as sexually undesirable by my own husband, with whom that relationship had always been good.

Like Anon50, I felt bitter. Like Anonymous, I felt sad. And I felt incredibly disappointed, hurt, furious, resentful, and cheated. I considered leaving him, but because the rest of our long relationship was intact with the exception of our sex life, I couldn't rationalize it. My husband was still a nice guy, and he was good to me, and we still saw each other as our best friend. He'd just basically put that part of our lives behind him.

I tried to see things from the point of view of wives whose husbands were disabled and were no longer able to perform. If that helped, it didn't help much because those men hadn't made the choice to reject their wives physically like my husband did.

It took many years for me to stop being resentful about it. When I reached menopause my own desire for sex waned, and I admit I was glad for that. It doesn't bother me anymore not to have a sex life, but it took many resentful years to get to that point.

I think I made the right decision not to end a long term marriage simply to regain a sex life, but I don't know if that would be the right decision for anybody else. I don't ache for my husband as a sex partner these days, but I mourn the many years I lived without it.

Aw that is so sad. I was going to say F*#k him. Who tells their wife that!?? Did you tell him how hurtful that response was to you? Or did you keep the hurt to yourself? My marriage is lacking in sex, but we do have a sex life, just not as often as most people. I feel for you. Back to you, just because you hit menopause doesn't mean you shouldn't have sex sometimes! I would not give up and demand going to counceling. It took me YEARS to get my husband to get his testosterone checked. Once he got it checked and it was low, it took a YEAR for him to do something about it. He's been getting injections for 4 months now and his testosterone # is high but his libido is the same! It is so frustrating because he is a wonderful man, that is our only issue. But it is a big one. I don't think we should ever stop trying. I don't think I could be in a sexless marriage, even if I was in my 50's. Although I'm only 31 now, so I guess it's too soon to say that. Well you are not alone.