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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"Continental," was the reply. "I got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed! the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"I'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River."

"Don't go any further." I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"Going to go to see the Vatican and I hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser! "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped me up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave me their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, I was quite lucky, because as I was touring the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and would I be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, for the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

* 5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

* 7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

* 10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.

* 1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

* 2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

* 4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

* 5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

* 6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

* 9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

« Last Edit: January 27, 2009, 12:40:10 PM by rondrond »

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess." The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours." The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."

The guy says, "Look, I'm Gay. I don't have time for girls... But a talking frog is cool!"

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

A convict has escaped from prison, and while on the run he breaks into a house. He goes into the bedroom and discovers a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair.

He then goes over to the bed, leans over the woman and kisses her on the neck. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.

The husband whispers over to his wife "Honey, l'm so sorry, but do whatever he asks of you. He's obviously a dangerous criminal; look at his prison uniform. He probably hasn't been with a woman in ages. l saw him kiss your neck. Please, just give him what he wants, no matter how repulsed you are, so he doesn't kill us both.

"The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn`t mean that God doesn`t love heterosexuals. It`s just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavne

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

John O'Hurley is currently the host on 'Family Feud'. . he has also hosted other shows on TV, one of them is the National Dog Show on NBC Thanksgiving Day.

He was surprised when he received the call offering him the 'gig/job' of hosting the event:

"I have never claimed to be a dog expert. Fortunately, I have the savvy database of my cohost, Mr Frei, to fill in the important content about each of the more that 150 breeds that are represented at the show.

It also gave me a chance to say some of the stupidest things I have ever said on television.

The old English Sheepdog and his handler stepped up to have their turn before the judge....If you are not familiar with the sheepdog breed, it's about two pounds of actual dog and seventy pounds of long, stringy hair that completely camoflauges the animal, including the face and eyes. It looks like a large cotton swab.

The judge promptly went about her work, busily picking up clumps of hair on the dog's back and running her hands through the thick coat.

Over at the broadcast booth, I was watching this exercise, with David and began my duties as host by asking all the intelligent questions.

'David, can you describe what she's doing?' (a great beginning)

'she's putting her hands on the dog, john, to check the alignments of the shoulders and the hips and make sure they meet the AKC guidelines.....she has to get her hands under all that hair because you can hide a really bad dog under a good haircut.'

I said, 'you're telling me. I went to junior prom.' (whoops)

then the judge walked around to the front of the dog and began picking up the hair on the dog's face and pulling it apart.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol atAll. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.Jack had to force himself to open his e yes, and the first thing he sees is aCouple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next toThem, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front ofHim, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlesslyClean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringesWhen heSees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red withLittle hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfastIs on the stove, I left early to getGroceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Lov e,Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,Steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, whatHappened last night?'"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of yourMind you fellOver the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and gotThat black eye when you ran into the door.'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, whyIs everything in such perfect orderAnd so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting forMe??'His son replies, 'Oh THAT. .... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she triedTo takeYour pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone woman, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99Hot Breakfast $4.20Two Aspirins $.38Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

tendai

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you , too. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else, probably the woman at grocery store. She is such a tramp!

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, I cannot figure out if it's the carb or fuel lines. But at least I got laid.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

After going through a virus attack, Losing a hard drive, Fighting off hackers, Upgrading all my software, Installing fire-walls, Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, And a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer.

NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet”, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form. Then pilots review the “gripe sheet” repair comments before the next flight on the aircraft. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. (By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.)

"The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn`t mean that God doesn`t love heterosexuals. It`s just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavne

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday' to me.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Logged

"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?

Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama, Walmart, where the young lady was shopping at the Flea market.

This is hysterical! Look at it closely.

Now I ask you...

Who stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hummmm...I can make me a nice summer top from these!! On the other hand...$6 for a three pack is a good price!!

But what if they weren't bought new? That's redneck recycling at it's best. Don't throw out yer feller's drawers when the skidmarks don't wash out no more. Just cut the crotch out and wear 'em. How very Green!

I know you don't clean your computer screen very often and it is 2 hard to do the inside, so click here to receive your cleaning, consider this my gift to you.

Click on "here" above.........have a good day!

No clickable bits in that message?

J

Logged

"The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn`t mean that God doesn`t love heterosexuals. It`s just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavne