How to Communicate with a Man

This article was co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC. Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

There are 14 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Communicating with men can vary based on your relationship, culture, age, or even personal communication styles. That said, if you want to communicate with men more effectively, make sure to find the right time to talk. When discussing an issue, avoid using "you" statements unless you're offering positive feedback. To avoid miscommunication, don't assume that he isn't listening to you and be aware of over-stereotyping him. You can also communicate effectively while texting by tailoring the text to the occasion.

Steps

Method One of Three:Encouraging Open Communication

1

Identify the appropriate behavior for your relationship. How you communicate with a man can vary based on your relationship to each other. Tailor your interactions towards your type of relationship.[1]

Is the man your romantic partner? Your communication may be more intimate. Encourage your partner to open up to you, and provide emotional support where needed. Listen and support your partner.

Is the man your boss or coworker? You may wish to be a little more distant and respectful with your communication. Stay polite and make small talk about your lives. Avoid controversial or extremely personal topics.

Is the man a family member? You can be more open with them, although you might choose whether or not to talk about personal issues.

Keep cultural issues in mind as well. Men from different cultures may interact with people in different ways.

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Find the right time to talk. Avoid bringing up the subject when both of you are distracted or in a rush. Wait until both of you have some free time to talk. If you are both very busy, then schedule a time to talk.[2]

For example, ask him, "Hey Jon, I wanted to talk to you about something. When is a good time to talk?"

Open with a positive statement. This is especially important if you need to discuss an issue. Start by complimenting him, or by saying something encouraging before you delve into the main issue. Make sure to use a positive tone as well. A negative or accusatory tone may cause him to become defensive and resistant to anything you say.[3]

For example, “You are such a supportive guy, Kevin. You are always there when I need someone to talk to or to fix a problem.”

You could also say, "I like working with you because you are so positive about finding solutions to problems."

Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “You” statements sound accusatory. He will become defensive if you open up with “you” statements, or use “you” statements throughout the whole conversation. Instead, start on neutral ground by using “I” or “we” statements.[4]

For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I think our miscommunication is due to the fact that we always interrupt each other when one of us is talking.”

Using "you" statements is ok if you want to congratulate him or give him positive feedback. For example, say, "You did such a good job presenting your speech, Darrel. There were so many interesting questions afterward!"

Listen to what he has to say. Once you are finished talking, give him the floor to talk. Set your phone and any other distractions aside. Sit up and face him to demonstrate that you are focused on what he is saying. Wait until he is finished talking to say something.[5]

Decide to be honest with each other. Whether they are your coworker, friend, partner, or a family member, honesty is the best policy when it comes to communicating with someone. Say what you feel and encourage him to do the same. If you have made a mistake, apologize for the mistake. This will encourage him to be open about his mistakes as well.[6]

For example, "I felt like you didn't take me seriously when I said I needed you to pick up the package today. This is very important to me and I apologize if I didn't make that clear the first time."

Some men from certain cultures or who have particular communication types may feel uncomfortable being completely open or blunt with someone they don't know well.

Nod your head only if you are in agreement with him. Some people tend to nod their head as a sign that they are listening. However, he may interpret this as a sign of agreement, even if you do not agree with what he is saying. Be aware of your body language. If you find yourself nodding, even if you disagree, correct your body language.[7]

For example, instead of nodding your head, you can say, "I see what you are saying," or "Ok, that makes sense, but I have a different opinion."

Avoid assuming he hasn't heard what you said. Don't misinterpret neutral body language for boredom or inattentiveness. He is most likely processing the information that you are telling him. Once you are finished talking, ask for his input instead.[8]

For example, instead of asking him, "Are you even listening?" or "Did you hear me?" say, "Does that make sense? Let me know if I need to clarify anything."

Stick to the subject. While you are talking, you may remember something else that you want to talk about. However, for the sake of the current conversation, save that conversation for a later date. If you bring up another subject, he may lose focus and become distracted.[9]

Remember that you must come to some kind of solution or conclusion at the end of the current conversation in order to move forward.

Be aware of communication stereotypes. Be open to getting past stereotypes for the sake of the conversation. If you find yourself assuming that he isn't listening or doesn't care based on his body language or tone of voice, take a step back and reassess the situation. It may just be his own way of communicating. It is ok to ask for clarification if you need it.[10]

For example, "I'm not sure I understand what you are telling me. Could you rephrase what you said?"

Try not to assume that he won't understand where you are coming from just because he is a guy.

5

Adjust your tactics based on the man's communication style. Some men may be very talkative and outgoing. Others may be more introverted and quiet. Make sure that you're adapting to the man's unique communication style.[11]

If the man is very quiet or terse, try asking more open-ended questions to get him to open up.

If the man is very talkative, make sure to listen without interrupting. Offer interesting comments on his stories.

Some men may communicate best in a quiet, private space while others will feel very comfortable out in busy, public spaces.

Tell him to text you later if he's busy. If you want to chat, but you are worried that he may be doing something else, let him know that it is ok to text you later. You could say something like, "Hey Greg, I just wanted to catch up. Text or call me when you are free," or, "Message me later when you have some free time."[12]

Send him a flirty text to get his attention. If you have been texting a guy that you like, and he seems unresponsive, try texting him, "I can't wait to see you at the movies on Friday," or, "You looked really cute the other night, Patrick." Positive attention like this should illicit a response.[13]

Once the conversation starts, keep it going by playing a game like truth or dare.

Talk face to face if the topic is serious. Communicating through text leaves too much room for misinterpretation. If you need to discuss something serious, plan a face to face conversation to avoid miscommunication.[14]

Write down what you plan to say if you need to. This way you can deliver your message clearly.

To communicate with a man, wait for a time when he’s not busy or likely to be distracted so you can both focus on the conversation. When you have his full attention, compliment him on something to put him in a good mood. For example, you can say something like, “You’re such a supportive guy. You’re always there when I need help.” When you explain your perspective to him, try to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements so you don’t sound like you’re accusing him. For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel like our communication could use some improvement.” Once you’ve made your point, make sure you give him some time to respond so he knows you care about what he has to say.