Well once, I had an awesome boyfriend. Over the summer, my parents wouldn’t let me near him though. We would do whatever we could to stay in touch and it was never enough. i felt him slipping away. I knew i should have done something about it but I never had the lady balls to. The feeling became stronger and stronger as he got closer to his new friend from the zoo he volunteered at. Then suddenly it happened. Over text. And I haven’t felt the same since.

If I could go back and fix it, I would go back and convince my parents. I would press a little harder,and try to make them see his better side. If they knew how sweet he was,well is,then maybe they would have changed their minds and maybe instead of falling for his friend,he would’ve fell harder for me…..

He found out why i’m hooked onto him,or at least part of the reason. I just have dependency issues and feel the need for “someone” to be here,comfort me, and make me feel wanted. I never promised him a relationship; I just well its like this:
So you know how sometimes I talk about my ex? Well I guess it started with him dumping me and I had grown,have grown,such a strong dependency on him that i just wanted someone to make me feel something like he did during our relationship. I didn’t even realize what was happening to me at first; I just knew that I was searching for something and what made me notice was little things but this morning when we,(I and the guy from above. The “He”) talked it hit me like my head was being smashed by a cement block of truth. I felt as if i needed(need?) a replacement,or distraction from these feelings about my ex and thats where guys come in. They give me the satisfaction of what’s stated above,and remind me that somewhere deeply hidden inside my negative/horrible personality and dumb,unnatractiveness that i’m worth something and might actually be a good person even though a lot of times i hate myself…

Im not a good daughter or a good student and my mom has to rush into my room and steal my phone to know what im doing,i cant get into drivers ed cause im failing english,i had a stress freakout yesterday over an essay,and i depend too much on other people. Now my mom thinks im emotionally unstable and i also “crave dick” which is extremely untrue. She wants to have a long talk which probably involves questions about if i want counseling and sometimes i just want to escape but i think im overreacting and just acting selfish cause there are way more people that have ACTUAL problems to worry about and im just stupid and try to be a normal person,but i can’t cause i think something is wrong with me…my parents shouldve stamped “Return to Sender” on my head when i was born…

I feel alone sometimes. I feel alone a lot of times. I don’t know what happened to me. In the span of what seems to be less than a year and a half I have changed in a very negative way. My confidence is now quiet innerly-subjected dread. My colorful spirit is now bland and gray. The sparkle in my eyes have turned to a dull glint. Hidden by the the smile I paste on when needed,my personality is now a faint shadow of the beautiful ray of sunshine I used to be for those I talked to,for those I went to school with, and especially for the ones that cared. But now I feel like I am nothing but a waste,of space,of time,of everything. I try not to let it show,try not to reveal my feelings but when it comes to certain situations,a waterfall of emotion pours from my insides that causes attention to sway my way. I wish it were different. I wish I was better. I wish I wasn’t me sometimes…

On Saturday night,i was forced to become independent. The person that i depended on the most,that i told everything to,just disappeared. He pulled himself away from me. Uprooted;like an un-giving tree. I cried and fought through the emptiness of utter rejection. I spilled my love through those typed words that he didn’t care whatsoever for.

I don’t why i depended so much,or felt so much for him in those last few gullible,oblivious moments. But it is gone. I am more hollow,but more whole. I am shattered,but at peace.