Best times in the ladies loo

It’s a long established, unassailable fact that the best conversations, partying, gossip and general times on a night out are not to be had at the bar, or dancing like you just don’t care, but in the ladies’ bathroom with the more partygoers the better.

Times may have changed, nightclubs more sophisticated and expensive to get in, bars more likely to have a curated gin menu, and the dress-code at balls and receptions may require a designer gown - but the best times always have several things in common.

And as this week’s Met gala celebrity bathroom selfies have proven, even the swankiest of events cannot escape the inevitability of these unplanned, raucous toilet parties.

Of course, what goes in the toilet must stay in the stay in the toilet, so to speak.

But I’m sure womankind will not object to a slight explainer, for the sake of the men who always ask why women accompany each other for a wee.

The first important factor is that stall one will always be occupied by a formerly elegant young lady who has over done the pop.

Usually she is accompanied by another, ever so slightly more composed, friend who she may or may not have only met five minutes ago but is holding back her hair and whispering (or shrieking) supposedly soothing conversation as the poor unfortunate kneels at the porcelain throne.

These two are being completely ignored by the rest of the party, whose attention is generally split into several factions, one around a locked-toilet stall where somebody is loudly wailing and being comforted - through the door - by complete strangers. Another group will be sitting on the sinks, oversharing personal information about the intracacies of their love-lives, a conversation which inevitably ends in liking each other on Facebook and taking drunken selfies, to be later regretted.

Meanwhile, in the queue, slightly stressed and jiggly, but nevertheless loud, women ignore age difference and social inequality to ask questions never before dared, before squealing the answers and hugging each other.