Instant chemistry blows away our best interest sometimes – it messes with our “man-picker” and it works against us. In other words, people often choose chemistry over the whole package.

Chemistry alters our perception and causes us to attach meaning to things that are often inaccurate. For example, if you feel instant chemistry with a man, you may assume that he’s available and that he wants to be in a relationship – the same kind of relationship that YOU want.

This can lead you down the path of creating a whole fantasy in your mind about someone who you know very little about.

Have you ever found yourself obsessing over why a man isn’t calling? Ever analyzed why a man hasn’t followed up after a date? Do you replay conversations over and over in your head, wondering what you could have said differently or done better?

If he’s not paying attention to you, rather than making you want to move towards him –what if his lack of masculine action toward you TURNED YOU OFF?What if it caused you to get bored and lose interest?

What if you could hook up chemistry to when he’s acting loving and wonderful – and moving towards you?The good news is – YOU CAN! I know you can.

You can save yourself from SO much anxiety by simply becoming an observer of what a man DOES.

Men are very simple – they do what they WANT to do, ALL the time. If they’re attracted to you and interested in a relationship, they’ll contact you and ask you out. If they’re not into you or not looking for a relationship, they won’t.

In other words,nothing means ANYTHING unless he’s actively pursuing you. Stop attaching meaning to the chemistry you feel for a man unless he’s showing you with his ACTIONS that he wants to move things forward. This will make things SO much simpler for you!

Reading into everything a man says or trying to “figure him out” is a useless waste of your time and energy.It also creates a whole vibe around you that a man can FEEL – it does the OPPOSITE of attract him, it pushes him away!

You can take all that energy you’ve been using to try to figure him out and use that energy to make YOURSELF happy and create an amazing life for yourself! This will shift your vibe and turn you into a MAGNET for men.

Unlike the superficial kind of “instant chemistry” that makes you feel off-balance, REAL chemistry is something that develops over time – when you build intimacy with someone and feel SAFE with them.

When it comes to the type of men you’re attracting – you can see the progression of how you’re doing on the inside by the men who are showing up in your life.

Suppose you’re used to attracting men who hurt you – if men keep showing up who want to hurt you, you know you’re not healed yet. But as the more “boring” guys start to show up, you’re getting healed! They may not “light your fire” like the men who fit perfectly into your old relationships patterns, but the boring guys who don’t want to hurt you are a actually a huge step in the right direction!

I’ve seen this happen over and over again. I’ve worked with many women who are only attracted to men who are unavailable in some way – emotionally, geographically, logistically, you name it – and if a man is available and actually interested in a real relationship, they don’t want anything to do with him.

If you feel like you’re a magnet for unavailable men, there’s a good chance that deep down you have your own fears of intimacy. The chemistry is often off the charts in relationships between two emotionally unavailable people because this is where they both feel safe – there is no chance for the risk of emotionally intimacy.

People who are emotionally unavailable themselves are often fine with only taking crumbs from the people they’re in relationships with because that’s all they can handle – many people can’t tolerate being loved or experiencing true intimacy.

You may be mistaking this highly addictive “chemistry” for love. Perhaps you immediately write off all the men who are interested in a real, full-time relationship because you don’t “feel it” for them – this superficial type of chemistry is not there. Meanwhile, you may find yourself getting your heart broken over and over again by these unavailable men. When your relationships end you might be left feeling even more hopeless, distrustful of men, and terrified of love.

When people don’t want to acknowledge how bad they’re feeling about themselves – they will often go out and seek out other people to hurt them. It’s as though they are HIRING them to do this.

The key to turning this around lies in uncovering your relationship patterns and everything you’re doing that’s blocking love from coming toward you. You may discover that you’re only attracted to the men who are “difficult” – the ones who are “too busy” for a relationship, or the ones who kept you on edge where you never know where you stand with them.

When you learn to stop chasing these men and ONLY spend time with men who’s energy is coming TOWARD you – that’s when everything can turn around. It’s important to stop making “instant chemistry” a requirement and start paying attention to how you feel about YOURSELF in a man’s presence, rather than whether or not he hits everything on your “checklist.” When you start feeling better about yourself, more and more high-quality available men will start showing up!

Suddenly the “boring” guys might become a lot more interesting! You’lldiscover that REAL chemistry can be CREATED – by opening up your heart and experiencing a man loving you for exactly who you are.

Here’s a question from Jessica, who’s experiencing something we can all relate to.

The Question:

“Hi Helena,

It seems like all the men I date always end up disappointing me in some way. It starts off great, and then after a couple weeks they either say the wrong thing, forget to call, or they seem to get busy and stop making plans with me and everything just fizzles after that. I always end up feeling disregarded and it’s really frustrating. Please help!

Jessica”

My Answer:

Jessica, I know exactly how frustrating this can be. I want you to know that the first step to turning things around for yourself is awareness.

You can’t begin to change anything until you become aware of what’s going on – so I want you to fully embrace and celebratethis awareness!

We all have both masculine and feminine energy inside of us. I want you to take a look at your masculine energy – the part of you that’s about doing, thinking, giving, planning, and making decisions – and how it’s operating in your own life.

Expert relationship coach Rori Raye says that there is no one separate from you. There’s just YOU showing up in different ways out there in the world – and I’ve seen this happen over and over again.

In other words, whatever is going on in the masculine energy inside of you – that’s what’s showing up in the men you’re meeting out there!

The men you meet and attract when you’re dating are like a mirror image of the kind of masculine energy that’s running your life. For example, if you’re critical of yourself, you’re going to attract – and be attracted TO – men who will criticize you.

If your masculine energy is not taking care of your feminine energy – the part of you that’s about being, feeling, receiving, experessing, and experiencing – you’re going to be wearing a sign that says “Disappoint Me.” That’s all you’re going to see out there in the world.

So I want you to ask yourself, what is your masculine energy doing or not doing in your life that is showing up in the men you’re attracting? Ask yourself, “Am I loving and taking care of myself?” Or, “Am I constantly abandoning myself and my true feelings?” Take a look at how this is going on inside of you. See what your masculine energy can do to take care of your feminine energy – and create the space for yourself to experience your feelings and just BE.