Whoever said journalism has long been dead, buried and is worm shit now obviously doesn’t know that Lindsay Lohan is a guest editor at The Sun. Journalism has risen from the dead!

LiLo took a little time out from traveling the world with her Russian sugary sonny, to butt belch out her first column for The Sun. For her first piece, serious journalist LiLo wrote about how she could’ve smeared some of Harry Styles’ grainy dick cheese all over her freckled crotch crumpet. Remember when the Summer’s Eve Truman Capote named James Franco wrote a short story about the time Lindsay Lohan allegedly broke into his room at the Chateau Marmont and tried to get with him? Well, LiLo apparently sort of got a taste of her own medicine and she says Slutty Styles (copyright: Tumblr) was holding the spoon. LiLo says that early one morning in 2012, she got a knock on her hotel room door and when she opened it up, Harry Styles was on the other side and he wanted to fuck his way to a place on her hump list. Here’s some (maybe) fanfic courtesy of LiLo:

“I didn’t know it was him. He was in a suit. I said, ‘Well, you’re very good-looking – can I help you?’ That was it. He was like, ‘I’m Harry. Gavin and Michael sent me here.’ I was in bed. I was like, ‘I’m going to bed but it was nice to meet you.’ It was 2am, I had just come back from an AA meeting. I looked like shit too. I was wearing a big hotel robe, I had a slip under it. It was not a good look.

It didn’t click who he was at the time. I told my sister the next day and she was like, ‘Wait, are you kidding me? Do you understand? Do you have his number? Can I have it?'”

LiLo went on to say that she recently ran into Harry at a party in L.A. and he said that he knocked on her door at 2am because some friends dared him to.

Lindsay was bumping lubed-up parts with a member of The Wanted (aka the O-Town to One Direction’s Backstreet Boys) in 2012, so I love the thought of her turning down Harry Styles. But maybe this was all just a case of mistaken identity. Maybe the mess who knocked at her door at 2am was really a greasy homeless drug dealer who sold her a baggie of the bad shit once and wanted to make another sale. Confusing a greasy homeless drug dealer with Harry Styles is an honest mistake!

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