It’s easy to fall into the trap of letting a girl who isn’t really a good fit for you stick around because she prevents you from feeling lonely.

We all feel lonely at times. It’s part of the human condition. And for guys who aren’t naturally good with women, it’s normal to feel lonely most or even all of the time.

When you start developing your skills, having success is inevitable. You’ll start to get numbers, you’ll start to get dates, you’ll start to make out with women, and you’ll start to sleep with ones you like.

Once you start sleeping with the kinds of women that you like, there’s a critical point where you have to stay on your path. It’s easy to get sucked into a relationship by default, that happens from settling with someone who makes you feel less alone. That feeling of loneliness? The novelty of a new sexual relationship is one powerful way to drown it out.

Too many guys end up dating girls long-term just by default. They never made the conscious decision to do it, but they end up with her because it fills a space in their lives, and the access to sex is a powerful motivator.

What they don’t realize is that space will always be there, and is part of being human. The only thing that you should attempt to use to fill that space is your drive to be better. Part of being a man and accepting your place as an adult is a constant drive for self-improvement. And that emptiness you feel will only get better through your journey of self-improvement, not by a woman.

Friday night dates. Complacency. Stuck banging one girl forever. Not having threesomes. Never traveling. Having the same lame friends. No self-growth. These thoughts seem like a great foundation for a happy relationship, so how could this touching story come to a bad ending?

Now of course if you’re not having these thoughts and are actually completely satisfied in your relationship with zero doubts, regrets, or insecurities, then I’m not talking about you. You’re already winning. However, if you are experiencing these feelings and emotions, stay with me. I’m not going to focus on the negative actions some girls do, because that’s playing the victim game- a game for losers. I’m just going to focus on things from a personal level. Your life is on you. No one else.

Nothing is worse in a relationship than that moment you realize you’re unsatisfied. Even if you get an attractive girlfriend, have a great time for a while, enjoy love, have weird sex, and experience shit together, eventually your insecurities creep back. That little voice in your head comes back and says “Hey motherfucker, I’m still here.” It’s not really noticeable when you’re in the early stages of intimacy, but as the excitement starts to wear off, the thoughts of being unsatisfied start to creep in.

There’s a number of reasons why you might not be satisfied. Your personal social circle isn’t fully developed. Your girlfriend isn’t cool and open-minded to threesomes and other sexual exploration. You feel like you deserve a better girl. You’re not getting better at the things that are important to you. You haven’t traveled and experienced enough. And on and on.

If you’re carrying these thoughts with you while in a relationship, there’s no way that it will have a happy ending, not with all that dissatisfaction. It’s unfair to the girl. No matter what she does, she can never make you happy. It’s literally impossible. The only way you can be fully happy is if you go hard on reaching your full potential and doing everything you actually want to do to resolve these issues.

When I was going through multiple relationships, I’d be initially excited in the honeymoon phase, lose some interest in the middle phase, and then feel married and not giving a fuck by the end of the relationship. The girls were attractive, had cool friends, and liked my personality. But even with all that, I just felt dead every time. I wasn’t satisfied on the inside. My real needs and desires weren’t being fulfilled, and so I wasn’t happy.

After having enough of these girlfriends, I finally started seeing the picture. I wasn’t into monogamy and jealous atmosphere it brought to the relationship. Threesomes and sexual exploration were important to me, but my relationships had been too tightly knit to allow those things to happen. My weekends were being sucked away with Netflix and pointless dates. My social circle was lacking. I wasn’t developing as a man and becoming a winner.

There was a ton of other shit I was unsatisfied with, as far as my self-growth, like lack of traveling and new experiences, poot fitness, bad finances, but one thing was killing me the most. I felt terrible about being unskilled with girls, and never having massive success with women. I was always having to fight hard just to get one girl, feeling like I couldn’t easily replace them or pick the ones I actually wanted. Just because I was able to repeatedly get girlfriends or hook up with a decent amount of girls (between relationships), it hadn’t resolved my deepest insecurity: my lack of skills and confidence with women. I was sick of it.

Even if the girl was cool, I just couldn’t live with the thought of never being 100% of what I could be. I wanted full control over my life. If I never developed myself into a sick individual and started becoming a winner who could actually get with the type of girls I deserved and wanted, I knew I would never be happy. That was the one thing I had to have to be able to die in peace.

When I finally dumped my last girlfriend, it was liberating. I felt relieved. I felt no pain. I gave no fucks. I could focus on my business, my dick (me), 24/7. I immediately improved my career and income. Started getting in shape again. I did some traveling. And more importantly, I finally found the type of coaching I was looking for and started addressing this issue. Have there been roadblocks? Of course. Am I doing the things I want at a high level yet? No. I fell in a couple gutters in the past year and had some hard times. But despite that, I’m pumped and feel alive every day, knowing I’m on track working toward my goals.

Look, I get it. It’s easy to be complacent. Who doesn’t like easy pussy? Your girlfriend might have a cool social circle and you might do cool shit together. But if you’re not satisfied, if you have insecurities and doubts in your head, don’t ignore them, even if your realizations are painful. You gotta dump your girlfriend and handle your shit until you can be satisfied with yourself. That way when you do pick a girl and hang up the jersey, you can do it without any regrets.

Don’t let validation fill the emptiness you feel inside. If you don’t, you’re basically gonna be 49, jacking off to weird porn in the shadows on Sunday at 2pm in your carpeted Downey apartment with erectile dysfunction, thinking about how you wish you had threesomes, had more weird sex, banged more girls, connected with more females, traveled more, did more self development, took more risks, etc. Don’t be that guy.

Validation gives you a temporary high. Settling in an unsatisfying relationship provides you with a dull numbing of that pain. In contrast, allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable rather than settling for whatever provides you validation or comfort, is scary. You’ll feel lost at times. You’ll feel like maybe you aren’t making the right choices, and that maybe you shouldn’t try to improve this area of your life. Your inner voice can be a nagging demon that holds you back.

But look past it. Never accept mediocrity. Understand that these feelings are part of the journey, and that this empty space will only be fulfilled by living a life of your values, and by always striving to be a better version of the man you want to become. No relationship or sexual experience can fill that void. The only thing that will do it is consistent hard work, every day for the rest of your life. That’s what’s truly rewarding and fulfilling about this journey. The relationships you’ll start to form are just a side effect of being a fulfilled man who’s living his purpose.

The idea that hypnosis and NLP could be used to attract women first occurred to me when I read The Gamein college.

One of the more memorable scenes in the book is when Ross Jeffries runs an NLP routine on an unsuspecting waitress. Soon enough, the waitress falls into a trance and admits to Ross that she’s attracted to him even though he’s not her type.

When I first read the book, I assumed that the hypnosis and NLP stuff was basically bullshit.

I wasn’t really introspective at the time, but Hypnotica and Steve P helped me to become more aware of the inner game issues that were preventing me from succeeding with women. I came to terms with past feelings and gradually learned to surface them, and then let them go for good.

(As a funny sidenote, I bought Steve P’s White Tiger Tantra program and started trying out the tactics. I was about to conclude that the program didn’t work when one my dates — much to both our surprises – erupted in a squirting orgasm.)

I ended up spending several years going through various hypnosis and NLP programs and eventually became a certified Landmark instructor.

The big lesson I took away was this:

We’re speaking to ourselves all day. The words we use create the experience that we have in the world. When we process events and describe them with empowering language, we improve our lives. When we use disempowering language, we hurt ourselves.

One of the most shocking things I discovered is that most of the stories we tell ourselves are total bullshit. Our reality and our story, which we think we form objectively, are actually completely skewed by our unconscious perceptions. When we learn to see different situations from different angles – without blame, judgment, or other negative emotions – we wake up, become aware, and take responsibility for our lives.

We learn, in other words, to think about what we’re thinking, and then change what we’re thinking, which naturally alters our interactions with the world.

In my own case, I realized that I had many of the typical issues facing “nice guys.” My “niceness” was actually just a mask for the laziness, entitlement, and fakeness that I unconsciously felt on the inside.

Interestingly, as I worked on my inner game, I noticed that things in my outer world, such as my body language, immediately improved. I no longer looked like I was apologizing for my existence.

While I would certainly encourage everyone to spend some time learning hypnosis and NLP, I think that you can get many of the benefits that these tools offer simply by getting brutally honest feedback from people who genuinely care about you.

Things about ourselves that are obvious to others – especially to women, who tend to have well-developed intuition – can completely elude us guys.

One of the downsides of our polite society — where everyone pretends to be nice to each other — is that we miss out on this feedback.

Researchers, in fact, have discovered that feedback is one of the keys to achieving a state of high performance in any area.

I think, incidentally, this is why a lot of naturals with women played team sports as kids. The social feedback that comes from teammates tends to weed out douchey behavior that lingers in others.

One of the reasons why the Leverage Program delivers results relatively quickly is because it emphasizes personalized feedback — not only from me, but also from others in the group. Think of it as crowdsourcing social feedback.

Being smart guys for the most part, Leverage members realize how they come across in their day-to-day lives and figure out for themselves how to implement lasting change.

A common piece of advice for men is “don’t chase girls.” It’s good advice, and it’s a piece of advice I’ve given before. And yet, a lot of the advice from beginners is still “how do I get this girl to like me when she doesn’t?” Why is it so hard for beginners to follow?

Before we answer that, let’s take a step back. It’s crucial to understand that the only lasting method of having women in your life is to first, develop the characteristics that women find attractive, second, learn how to display those characteristics, and third, put yourself in situations where the kind of women you want to meet will see you displaying those characteristics.

Although these three steps form a simple formula for confidence, they’re not easy to implement, and they don’t happen overnight. This is why we say there’s no magic bullet to being successful with women.

What’s an example of mastering these steps? A guy who doesn’t know how to start a conversation goes to improv classes to learn how to banter, then he starts volunteering where he begins to start casual conversations with women.

Back to our original question about chasing: the problem is that if you haven’t already mastered these steps, you’re going to be chasing girls who aren’t completely sold on you, and it’s hard to stop. if you don’t already have women in your life, it seems like your only option is to chase.

If you feel like every girl is telling you no, your gut reaction won’t be to find a different girl who says yes, or to find new ways to improve your life. Your gut reaction will be to figure out how to get past the no. You see a brick wall in front of you and instinctively look for ways to get over it, rather than figuring out why the wall is there in the first place.

If you’re the typical guy who isn’t already attractive to women, and someone like me tells you that you need to stop chasing women, you feel like if you do that you’ll lose all your options.

And to most guys, that feels worse than chasing.

It’s tough when you’re craving a girl’s time and affection, but sometimes the only way to get it is to wait. The point of icing is to get her pursuing you. In most scenarios, if she gave a fuck she would have hit you up again. Women want what they can’t have.

Yes, you need to stop chasing. If you’re chasing, you’re not the one in control, and you won’t get what you want. But at the same time, you need to ensure that you’re also improving your life so that you don’t need to chase. You need to develop attractive traits. You need to learn how to display these traits. You need to learn basic social skills. You need to understand your personality. You need to identify what kind of women you do the best with. You need to start going to where these women are, and you need to start putting yourself in uncomfortable situations.

Basically, you need to follow the example of the guy who took improv classes.

There’s nothing more unattractive than desperation. Desperation is the least attractive shit on Earth.

The root of the issue is that “don’t chase” is advice about how to stop being unattractive. It’s helpful, but it’s not enough. Only when you combine it with everything else you need to become attractive does this advice become helpful, and powerful. Only then will you stop running into the brick wall, and start to deconstruct it brick by brick.

If you’ve ever spent any time around a woman, you know the quickest, simplest thing can turn them off like a lightswitch. Just like that, they’re done, from “I love you so much and want to marry you” to “go jump off a cliff, you suck.”

Just like that they can turn off, but why can’t we turn them on just as quickly? Well, you can. We’re here to tell you the trick. The problem is that most men only try to turn on their women when already in the bedroom.

While that is important, it’s just as, if not more, important to turn her on out of the bedroom. You wine and dine her, you’re probably going to go back home to a nice desert. But if you don’t do the dishes after she’s asked three times…I think you can see how that night’s going to end.

Women are like sponges: they take in everything, all of the time. So we’ve put together a list of things with little or no cost that you can do to warm her up during the day, and in turn make for one hot night. Women like originality, so the more personable you can make these, the more points you’re going to score.

Hug her

Not just a side hug or a light embrace. Hold her tightly, until she ends it. Holding her will remind her you’re her protector and that you’re there to keep her safe. Actually enjoy it, and let her know you appreciate holding her. Bonus points if you can get her to initiate it.

2. Buy her a pair of panties

Buying lingerie seems cliche right? When’s the last time you’ve done it? If you want to go all out, get a matching bra and panty set. If you want to spend a little less, just get a red silk thong, or ask someone to help you pick out a pair at Victoria Secret. The trick to this one is giving it to her at a time when you’re obviously not going to have sex right then and there. Some ideas you could do for this are hiding a box at her house while you’re away, and text her where it is, or giving the box to her at dinner and telling her to go change into them in the bathroom. This gives her a chance to play along with you. (IMPORTANT: Make sure you get the RIGHT size!!!)

3. Whisper into her ear

This one works especially well around people. Tell her how sexy she looks, talk about the underwear you saw her wearing underneath, or tell her all of the things you want to do to her later.

4. Write it out

Write her a card, a note, a poem. Just write her something, anything. There is nothing more genuine than taking the time to write down how you feel about her. Your vulnerability will be so sexy to her. Explain why you love her, or thank her for something she did. This will be something she’s going to keep for a very long time, so put some thought into it. (Hint: this one can be reused over, and over, and over again in many different ways so get creative and switch it up!)

5. A picture is worth a thousand words

Planting a picture of her in your wallet is a really nice gesture, but a little outdated. Posting a picture of her on your social media will make her see how you want to show her off, which is extremely sexy. Another route would be to update your screensaver to a picture of you two, or even send one in a text to her with a message saying what you liked about that day. Bonus points: writing a note on the back of a printed out picture and leaving it for her somewhere.

6. Forget a good night cup of tea

Bring her some hot chocolate to bed, this works as a sexual stimulant for her. Accompany it with some fruit or marshmallows. Turn off the TV and put down the phones for this one. Ask her how her day was, what her favorite memory as a kid was, or something stimulating for her (in other words, just ask her about herself).

7. Trap her

…and kiss her. Push her down on the couch, pin her to the wall or lock her in a room you normally wouldn’t go it like the laundry room or a big closet. Kiss her passionately, and after a minute, leave with a smile on your face. This will drive her crazy wanting more, and will surely leave her weak in her knees. Just be careful not to push her into, or onto, anything that will hurt. This will most likely ruin the vibe you were trying to go for.

8. Surprise! I’m here!

While you may not always want her to show up somewhere out of the blue, if done right, she’ll love it. Show up on her lunch break or while she’s getting ready for an event to drop off some flowers. She’ll be drooling over you the rest of the day. (Bonus points if her friends/family are there as witness)

9. Unlock her

Kiss her ankles, knees, elbows, wrists, and knuckles. These areas often get less attention than others, kissing her in these places will transfer energy to her and in turn, have her come “unhinged”.

10. Forget the roses

Get her a plant that she can keep alive (just don’t tie this plant to the life of your love together, just in case she can’t.) Every time she waters it, she’ll think of you. Plants are great for many reasons. Plants are a natural humidifier, they lower amount of carbon dioxide, can prevent allergies, reduce amount of colds, decrease blood pressure, prevent headaches, negate cigarette smoke, and provide many other species-specific benefits. Not to mention she’ll see it everyday and appreciate you.

Any indoor plant will suffice, unless she has a yard or patio with direct sunlight. If she likes to cook, get her an herb. If you know she can’t keep anything alive, get something that requires little water or attention. Any plant nursery will be happy to help, just tell them your requirements and make sure they tell you the best way to take care of it.

After years of wondering why you gave her a massage and she still doesn’t want to have sex afterwards, I’m happy to share with you this secret. If you’re not romantic out of the bedroom, or wherever your place of choice is, she won’t want to be your kinky little sex freak in the bedroom. Luckily, this mentality of hers isn’t permanent and has the chance to be immediately reversed. Remember, you want to do these things without (seemingly) wanting sex at the moment, the more random and spontaneous you can make these, the better.

Tell me if you can relate: You and your buddies go to your favorite bar. You see a cute woman and say hello. The two of you hit it off, start making out and end up back at your place for a night of fun.

The next morning, you wake up with her arm slung across your chest, and you think, last night was awesome, but I got sh*t to do. How can I get out of this without looking like a total douche?

This situation used to completely throw me off. (And believe me, if you think she’s not at least a little bit concerned about how to handle the situation, you’re wrong!)

Men love being in the company of beautiful women. It just makes everything that much more fun and interesting.

You will never hear a guy say, “Dude, I’m out, I just don’t want to hang out with more cute girls.”

Having hot chicks around brings me more hot chicks, more important guys, better girlfriends and better business opportunities. The more friends – hot, cool friends – I keep in my company, the higher I stand socially, and the more I enjoy my life.

Whatever line of business you’re currently in, making friends with cute chicks and hanging out with them regularly will always improve business (did she put you in the Friend Zone? Stop bitching about it and read THIS). If I’m casually talking to a potential business associate at the bar and I have a cute girl with me, odds are he will be much more willing to listen to me for three hours so long as I have that girl near me.

See how it works?

The Lesson: Make friends with cute girls and hang out with them a lot. If you stop being afraid of the friend zone, you’ll become the dude other dudes want to know.

What size shirt are you wearing right now? I’d be willing to bet that it’s too big and doesn’t flatter you at all.

How do I know that? Because 95% of all guys wear dorky clothes that make them look like they don’t have a clue how to take care of themselves (let alone lead an interaction with a woman).

Dressing well is extremely important to women. A cute girl will look you up and down and decide in two seconds whether you’re worth her time and energy simply based on your choice of apparel (a crew neck in the middle of winter? Please).

One thing you can do right away is buy shirts that actually fit. Studies have shown that women are most attracted to men with broad shoulders; the ideal shoulder to waist ration is 1.6:1.

Even if you don’t have those God-given proportions naturally, you can still trick the eye by wearing tighter clothing that draws attention to your shoulders, making them look bigger. Most men who are generally fit (read: no pot belly) should probably be wearing a size “small” t-shirt.

Why? Because it stretches slightly across the chest and makes you appear larger in your upper body.

Guys complain to me all the time that they’ve been confined to the friend zone. They think they should be able to bang every girl they meet, and when they get pushed to the friend zone, they whine about it instead of strategically using it to their advantage.

Dudes: STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FRIEND ZONE.

Here’s the thing, cute chicks hang around cute chicks. If some girl won’t sleep with you but she invites you out with her girls and you become friends, use that to your advantage.

You roll into some bar with six cute girl friends and you’re golden. Not only does this seriously raise your social value to the other hot girls that you’ll meet at the bar, but cool dudes will want to know you who are, too. They’ll want to befriend you, hang out with you, and do business with you.

The Lesson: Don’t try to bang every chick you meet. Meet girls, be cool and make friends. Those chicks will lead to more chicks and those chicks will lead to even more.

Every man in the world has experienced being rejected by a woman (or if he hasn’t, he’s too scared to talk to a woman in the first place). I’ve felt it. My buddies have felt it. I know you’ve felt it otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article.

There’s no doubt about it, getting a “no” totally sucks. It hurts. You might start thinking, “God, I suck. I’m horrible with women…” and that makes things even worse.

Fortunately, there’s a solution and you don’t have to live with the pain of rejection forever.

Making the Transition

All my clients come to me because they’re sick of being rejected. They want to get some wins under their belt. The great thing is, when you put yourself out there and actually do the work of bettering yourself, you can get to a point where getting rejected doesn’t totally knock you out.

You can get so good at handling people that, even if someone says “no” or blows you off, your attitude is, “Whatever. Next!” instead of, “I suck, my life is horrible.”

Having game is about attitude, skillset and yeah, inner confidence.

No one can tell you when you will feel pain and when you won’t. I couldn’t say, “You’ll stop feeling pain when you bang five supermodels.” Maybe you’ll still feel pain at that point, maybe not.

The pain is coming from within you, so something inside of you needs to shift. The outside results can certainly help speed the process, but ultimately, you’ve got to be able to recognize when you feel pain and let yourself move through it.

The Pain Always Shows

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to experience pain in this area, but it does show. My coaches can always tell when a guy is feeling pain versus when he’s feeling confident and calm; it is revealed in the way he carries himself. The way he moves, the way he operates in social situations.

Working through the pain is important if you truly want to experience success with women. Why? Because people want to hang out with other people that make them feel good. People who are in pain all the time, even when things are fine and we’re just chillin at the bar, basically suck to hang out with.

Get Over the Pain by Taking Action

To this day, I still sometimes feel pain if a girl flakes on me or if I have a bad run. It’s not anything like it used to be – there are no thoughts running through my head like, “God, I’m such a loser.” But it will suck, and it stings.

The solution is to take action. I’ll feel the pain for a minute, and then I’ll become even more determined to stack up some wins to feel great again. That means texting girls, approaching them, asking them out, and having sex.

I know for sure that if I’m not getting the results I want, it all has to do with a lack of input. I’m not doing enough to get there – it’s not because my skills aren’t good enough, it’s because I’m not putting the time in.

When you feel pain, take a deep breath. Feel it for a moment but don’t dwell on it. Immediately pinpoint an action you can take that will get you closer to what you want, and finally, take a moment to laugh at the situation – the easiest way for me to tell the difference between someone who is feeling pain and someone who isn’t is whether or not they’re willing to laugh at themselves.

The Lesson: Pain is normal, but if you want to be wildly successful with women, you have to be willing to do the work.

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I’m a smart, funny, and cool dude, but when I get around really hot chicks, its like my mind goes blank and my IQ drops 50 points. I can’t think of anything to say … Read More

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