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Friday, October 26, 2012

So there is this hurricane - Sandy - heading our way (and how come there's never a Hurricane Lisa, I'd like to know?), plus a winter storm and together they are supposed to do a million dollars worth of damage, knock out power and water, and disrupt the election.

People are rushing out and buying food, water, liquor. Jordan's school sent out an in-case-of-emergency message. Everyone is talking about this. I read a comment on someone's Facebook wall saying they didn't have to rush out because their Mormon upbringing meant they were stocked for a year. Which is practical.

The only thing I think we likely have a year-worth of is Japanese rice crackers and butt paste. Although I realize the latter is not food and would not be of use if the storm or the terrorists take out the water and power.

Although, honestly, if the terrorists attack DC, we're so close to the White House that I figure we're goners anyway. Unless butt paste is somehow helpful. We could coat ourselves in it and...sneak off to Canada? I don't know.

But back to Frankenstorm.

I cannot help but think that the media is enjoying hyping this because they are dead tired of talking about the election. As is everyone I know.

YOU GUYS! A STORM! PANIC! HYSTERIA! RUN OUT AND BUY WATER AND TOILET PAPER AND PORN! YOU KNOW, IN CASE THE POWER IS OUT FOR A LONG TIME!

Truthfully, I've not seen a single news outlet suggest the purchasing of emergency porn. I'm just kidding about that one.

So the storm is kind of a nice diversion from this appallingly partisan, divisive election.

And yet, much as I am so fucking sick of it, I still talk about it. I can't seem to stop talking about it. And every time I see a female friend on Facebook say something pro-Romney on Facebook I have to bite my fingers.

Because I want to reach through the screen, shake them and say, "Seriously? Do you want to hand your reproductive rights over to these narrow-minded men who minimize rape, who don't want you to get paid the same as your male colleagues? Seriously? And PS, you're not in the demographic they give a shit about, so if you personally think a Romney-Ryan regime is going to improve your life, maybe just buy a bunch of extra liquor for that four-year shitstorm."

"Since Lisa remained away from land, no effects, property damage or fatalities were reported; no ships were affected, and no tropical cyclone warnings and watches were issued." In other words, "Hurricane Lisa: The Considerate Hurricane."

And you would be most welcome in Canada, with butt paste or without.

I'm trying to picture the Canadian border guards. They would probably notice that you were covered in butt paste but since they are Canadian, they would probably be too polite to ask about it.

Also, there was the super destructive Gloria in 1985 that ended up getting retired. So you can take comfort in the fact that part of your blog name got to wreak havoc on the East coast! :) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hurricane_Gloria)