Tours de Farce: Searching For An Answer

That's probably the most asked question on the Pollstar.com help line since Milli broke up with Vanilli. Why aren't dates, like the latest itineraries for David Gates or Killswitch Engage, carved in stone? If they can schedule baseball schedules months in advance, why can't they do the same for 311? If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they lock down the Cher routing?

Good questions. So we decided to ferret out the answers and get down to the basics of concert scheduling even if it meant hitting rock bottom. After all, inquiring minds want to know. And so do the KISS fans.

So we visited our local promoter, who was busy planning shows with Mushroomhead and Carman, and we asked him; if science can breed a turkey so fat that it can't move, why can't someone route a tour without any changes? He muttered something about logistics and planning, but we couldn't make out what he said for he was munching on a handful of pistachios the entire time we sat in his office.

We moved up the food chain and put the question to the booking agents who were busy planning the routings for David Bowie, Beyonce and Josh Todd. Why, we asked, can we have fabulous, gas-guzzling SUVs, yet we can't have a solid itinerary for Simon & Garfunkel? They mumbled something, but to be honest, we couldn't understand a word they were saying because they were too busy stuffing cashews and almonds into their mouths.

So we went straight to the top - the biggest concert promotion company in the history of western civilization, the company that changed the face of the live-event industry. We wanted to ask them, if science can slice, dice and freeze Ted Williams, why can't anyone come up with rock-hard schedules for The Rolling Stones, Eagles and Shania Twain? Schedules that won't change regardless of how often they are bent, folded, spindled or mutilated? But as soon as we opened the door to their offices, we were buried under an avalanche of cashews, pecans and macadamias.

So there you have it. You wanted to know why tour dates change, and we went looking for an answer. We sought out all the players in the concert industry, both major and minor. But like what often happens in this topsy-turvy game called life, sometimes you look low and high for a solution, only to discover the answer is as clear as the nose on your face. We queried promoters knee-deep in cashews, agents stuffing their mouths with almonds and uber-promoters feasting on truckloads of pecans. Yes, we met them all, and we asked them, "Why do concert dates change?"

And you know what? We discovered that the answer is quite simple once you think about it.

The reason tour dates change is that there are just too many nuts in the concert industry.