Sunday, December 11, 2011

Las Vegas – December 2011

Holiday Classic Recap: Words with Friends

Broke, blind or bedlam?

How about all three??

Good morning.

Morning.

State your name for the record.

Billy Cundiff.

Thank you. The purpose of this hearing is to determine whether you are likely to break the law again. This was your first conviction but you were implicated in a dozen other schemes and frauds. What can you tell us about this?

I was never charged.

We're trying to find out if there was a reason for committing this crime or just a reason you got caught this time.

My wife left me. I was upset. I got into a self-destructive pattern.

If released, is it likely you'd fall back into a similar pattern?

She left me once. I doubt she'd do it again just for kicks.

Mr. Cundiff, what do you think you would do if released?

Get my weiner wet. Then eventually go play professional football.

* * * * *

This is Billy Cundiff. I was told to contact you within hours of my release.

No, sir, I haven't been getting into trouble. No, sir, I haven't been drinking or gambling. No, sir, I wouldn't even think about leaving the state.

* * * * *

Billy Cundiff? Is that you? How’s it going? When did you get out?? Welcome to Las Vegas!

I don’t know what you’re talking about bro? You must have me confused with someone else.

What are you talking about? It’s me. What’s going on Billy?

I go by “Chilly” now. “Billy Cundiff” can't get past the Nevada state gaming board. Know what I mean.

Understood. Chilly it is. Did you just get out?

Yep. Mustafa and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot say, “Hi.” Do you want to bet on how many toe nails I have painted? I’ll give you 7 to 1 odds.

Sure. Let’s go for it.

I asked tons of questions.

It helped.

I had it narrowed down to….1 or 2 toe nails.

I was getting close because Chilly was starting to sweat.

But then it happened.

Chilly gave out a false tell.

I fell for it. I guessed wrong.

Fuck Chilly!!!

7 to 1 odds?

What the fuck was I thinking?

There’s 10 toes damnit!

I got hustled.

I wasn’t the only one. Damn that Chilly!!

If you're wondering...it was the big toe.

Sergeant Hulka.

Dejected and hustled.

I want my money back!!

Look Chilly, we go way back and I owe you from the thing with the guy.

I've never been to St. Louis.

So what’s the next scam? I want in on the next hustle.

Well, there’s a cowboy convention and a marathon in town. There’s gonna be lots of weird costumes and a ton of confusion so I was thinking about knocking over a couple of casinos.

Which ones?

The Bellagio, the Mirage and the MGM Grand.

Wow. They got enough armed personnel to Occupy Wall Street!

Yes, but we’re gonna pull it off and live like kings. C'mon, it's just like invading Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we zip right out. We're not going into Moscow or China. We’re robbing the Bellagio, the Mirage and the MGM Grand. It's like going into Wisconsin and looking for drunk girls at a beerfest. Easy money. Are you in?

Totally, but we’re gonna need a crew as nuts as you are. Who do you got in mind?

Well, we need at least 11 guys doing a combination of cons. Off the top of my head, I'd say we're looking at a Boesky, a Dr. Pauly, a Grubby, a Bobby Bracelet, a Jim Brown, a G-Money, a G-Rob, an Iggy and the Mark. Not to mention the biggest Al Can’t Hang ever.

Terrific. It'll be nice working with proper villains again.

The Bellagio, the Mirage and the MGM Grand.

Aren’t those Terry Benedict’s casinos?

The eye in the sky at Aria must think I have a foot fetish.

The Big Toe.

Sergeant Hulka.

Fucking Chilly!!!

* * * * *

Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

As per my usual pre-flight routine, I woke up at 4am for my 9am flight so I could get high. Wake and bake baby!

It's hard to handicap fake dogs.

Betting on digital greyhounds rules!

Who doesn’t like a hit from the Volcano? Viva la Volcano!!!

The Wicked Spoon buffet rocks…so does the mac-n-cheese with bacon. Best ever.

Instead of tipping the homeless girl who was singing with money, Pauly gave her a fat nug. Wow. She was a horrible singer too. The best part was…she was so damn pleasantly shocked at the “weed” tip that she stopped singing! Yes!!

I shocked and tilted Pauly when I ordered a glass of wine with my mac n cheese for breakfast.

Two hillbilly college chicks from Ohio State tried to pick up Iggy and myself outside the Aria sportsbook. Now that definitely sounds like the preamble to a Bang Bros video.

Garth tried to convince two girls he was not Australian.

The Niners Super Fan rules!

I cleaned up betting on the digital greyhound races against Pauly and G-Rob. Ship it!!!

Joe Speaker (talking about the IP) while standing out front smoking a cigarette…."I needed fresh air. It smells like socks and hairspray in there."

G-Vegas took money from Jose Canseco at the Palms poker room. Or was it Ozzie Canseco?

Team Tao of Fear didn’t do so well at the Aria tourney. Wait till next year!

G-Rob convinced Laurie the dealer that Iggy was a pro hockey player named Zigmund Palffy.

I only spent a fews hours at the IP and the Geisha Bar this year. It just isn’t the same without G-Money.

Our little sister Mo didn’t show up this year. I was hoping to watch her crush another huge Chorizo breakfast at the Hash House.

Tebow'ing. Unreal.

Pauly got hustled. He fell for the old "piece-of-painted-wood-in-a-vending-machine" trick.

I lost my Cincinnati Bengals bet for the second year in a row. Damn those Steelers!!

Fuck the Pats and their 4th quarter implosion. They blew the teaser too.

Cam Newton! No more El Falstaffo the unknown Panthers fan.

Added money to the last longer bet, a $500 cake plus $1,000 in food/drinks…thanks to Jordan and Pokerist.com!

Orlovsky Tilt. Again, fuck the Pats!!

Happy birthday Otis! Him and the gang ran a half-marathon and the finish line went down the strip.

Congrats to Timtern for 3rd place. Congrats to Chilly’s friend for 2nd and congrats to Melissa for 1st place and winning the Hammer Trophy. I still have a mental block and think Timtern won.

We spotted David Sklansky wearing a PokerStars polo shirt and sitting at a slot machine while talking to himself. I did not see any under-aged girls with him.

The Aria’s SkyBox restaurant in the sportsbook rules!

I was super bummed to not see G-Money, Gracie & Pablo, Human Head & Mrs. Head, Bobby Bracelet, Daddy, Jaxia, Donkeypuncher, Mr. & Mrs. Spaceman, Waffles, the Fat Guy, the Rooster, GCox, et al. I wish they all came out to Las Vegas this year. You were all missed.

I did not clog a single toilet. Damn. Looks like I have a new streak.

No trips to the strip club for me. Sorry PKPNF but I just couldn’t support the local economy and single moms this time.

Congrats to the team last longer winners ACH, Jess Welman and Alex Poker guy.

I stayed at the Aria this trip. I hate to point out the obvious but the girls at Aria are much hotter than the girls at the IP. Just throwing that out there.

I got moved to another table but got KO’d shortly after the move. At the table: Penner, Ryan, Poker Dave, Poker Peaker, Otis, Jordan, Curtis, Badblood, and Change100.

Ryan KO’d me and won my bounty which was a Bacon scented air freshener that he can hang in his car.

Drizz was overheard saying, “Shit, I’m half deaf and I could still hear Speaker snoring.”

Yelling at marathon runners in costumes….lost my voice for two days.

Chilly dancing with everyone at the bar who walked by him.

I am on the wrong side of the fix.

I hung out at Aria mostly as well as the IP, Monte Carlo, and Mandalay Bay.

Great sushi meal at Social House with Pauly, Change100, G-Rob, Maudie, Iggy, Badblood, F-Train, ACH, and Jess.

I got to play a cash game with Pauly, Change100, F-Train, Iggy, G-Rob, Maudie and ACH.

Katkin played PLO with Orel Hershiser.

Drizz lost a poker hand to Iggy and claimed it prevented him from having a private stripper for a month. He didn’t mention whether or not that stripper would have teeth or no teeth.

Iggy said some guy on the strip was dressed in a full Mickey Mouse costume laying on the sidewalk drinking from a 40 oz. I wonder if any tourists tried to take any pictures with him?

We've hit a new gambling low…betting on Chilly’s toe nails and Lingerie football. Or is that a new gambling high?

Did Iggy really see Pete Rose at Caesers with a 7 foot tall hot Asian gal?

Mount Rushmore of TV! Has anyone ever picked the Price is Right?

We saw some chick at the blackjack table fall out of her seat and hit her head. Some security guard tried to tell G-Rob…”Nothing to see here. Keep moving.” Action news live from the Monte Carlo!

Our lingerie bowl football betting syndicate decided to take our winnings and walk.

Thanks to all my degenerate friends for another awesome time in Las Vegas.

And congrats to Joe Speaker too!! His boys can still swim!!

* * * * *

You never took a night off to see me run before. They'll dock you for that.

Hey, money ain't everything.

It's not that big a deal. I mean, it's two lousy hours of running, if that. It’s not like its six lousy minutes on the mat.

You ever hear of Pele?

Yeah, he's a famous soccer player.

I was in the room here one day... watchin' the Mexican channel on TV. I don't know nothin' about Pele. I'm watchin' what this guy can do with a ball and his feet. Next thing I know, he jumps in the air and flips into a somersault and kicks the ball in...upside down and backwards. The goddamn goalie never knew what the fuck hit him. Pele gets excited and he rips off his jersey and starts running around the stadium waving it around his head. Everybody's screaming in Spanish. I'm here, sitting alone in my room, and I start crying.

Wow. Seriously?

Yeah, that's right, I started crying. Because another human being, a species that I happen to belong to, could kick a ball, and lift himself, and the rest of us sad-assed human beings, up to a better place to be, if only for a minute... let me tell ya, it was pretty goddamned glorious. It ain't the two hours...it's what happens in those two hours.

And to the best of my knowledge…. Otis did not fall down during the race.

Pretty impressive. Very proud. Congrats guys!

* * * * *

The Top 10 List: By the numbers . . .

10 - the # of bong hits I took per hour before I went to JFK for my flight to Las Vegas. Wake and bake. Gotta cope somehow.

9 - the # of women Iggy and I saw licking or kissing the Elvis bust at Aria. It’s the Blarney Stone of Las Vegas. Well, except for the locals urinating on it part.

8 - the # of strippers on my flight from JFK to Las Vegas. Every single one of those weekend warriors was holding coke or some sort of drugs!!! Too many restroom trips. My kind of girls.

7 - the # of overpriced meals I ate the Aria. Fool me once….ah forget about it. I’m a sheeple.

6 – the # of people in the Lingerie Football betting syndicate. We own Las Vegas. And only one of us actually played college football. Beware. Be afraid. We are united. You can not divide us. We are legion. Expect us.

5 - the # of people that told me to open up a twitter and a facebook account. Stop asking and I will stop putting this in the top ten list.

4 - the # of naked guys that ran the marathon wearing the Borat thong. Apparently, that cuts down on bloody nipples and chafing.

3- the # of people that I saw get hustled by Chilly’s toe nail prop bet. Our parents would be embarrassed.

2 - the # of times a TSA agent grabbed my junk and man boobs. And that was on my way to the restroom. What’s next people?

1 - the # of times both Mustafa and Alec Baldwin have been thrown off a bankrupt American Airlines flight because they wouldn’t stop playing Words with Friends. The ladies love their schweddy balls too. HOLLA!!!

* * * * *

The owner of my new company mailed me a holiday package with the below items in it. Love it!

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

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*This post has been brought to you by my sponsors the Tao of Fear and Bang Bros.