Hey, its Bertha the Hut and Laptop Louie!

Airline Types

Steve wrote this on a 5-hour flight from Toronto to Vancouver after recognizing so many of his 'friends' from previous flight experiences

Hey, it's Bertha the Hut and Laptop Louie!

For those who fly frequently, there is nothing like coming onto an airplane and meeting the same types that you have met countless times before. You know, the irritating people that have been placed next to you to cause you as much discomfort as possible during the long flight ahead.

A common technique for 'dealing with difficult people" is to think of a humorous anecdote. In light of this, here then are 32 airplane personalities you are bound to meet on your next flight. The gender of the personality is interchangeable in every instance. Martha Marinade, with her perfume, could easily be Mickey Marinade with his after-shave. See how many you remember meeting.

1) Sammy Sniffler: Sammy has a cold and instead of blowing his nose (he thinks it is rude to do so in public) he sniffs-oh, 10-20 times a minute for the entire 5 hour flight.

2) Bertha the Hut: Cousin to Jabba the Hut (of Star Wars fame) Bertha overflows in her seat into your territory and no matter how much you shift to avoid physical contact, Bertha is there, oblivious to your discomfort. Bertha may also be identified as always having the use of two full armrests, one of which, of course, belongs to you.

3) Wendell Wobbly: Wendell is having balance problems as he sits in his seat. His cutlery won't stay on the tray; his glass is sitting on a ridge, and his napkin is somewhere near his feet (or your feet). Hope you know a dry cleaner at your destination, because you will need one

4) Martha Marinade: Martha has put on her usual amount of perfume – about 3 gallons. She wants everyone to experience that mystifying aroma yet everyone, including you, is gagging from the overpowering smell.

5) Diurnal Dan: Dan used a nightlight when he was younger-probably for his first 32 years. On the flight he will never turn the reading light off-during the movie, when the window shades are up, even when he is sleeping.

6) Sneak-a-peek Sam: The window shades are drawn so everyone can watch the movie, but Sam wants to make sure that everything outside is still there-so he constantly lifts up the shade, thereby allowing blinding bright shafts of light into the cabin and into your eyes.

7) Peek-a-boo Pam: That adorable four year old who befriends you in the first five minutes of the flight and then decides to play with you, for the next five hours. Peek-a-boo is the favourite. The parents think it is "cute".

8) Hide-a-way Harry: The person who sits by the window in a three-seat configuration and does not speak or move for the entire flight. He refuses all meals, does not use the washroom and usually hides under the blanket.

9) Tammy Tippler: Tammy starts drinking with the first free round and quickly makes friends with the flight attendants, who think it is cheery and friendly to keep plying Tammy with alcohol. She never gets drunk, but where does she put it all?

10) Revelation Rob: The person who talks in a loud voice so that everyone knows who he is, what he does for a living, who he was with last night, where he has flown before and on and on.

11) Reclining Rita: The minute the seat belt sign is turned off at the beginning of the flight, Rita has to fully recline her seat-and it stays that way. When the flight attendant moves it upright for the meal, the seat comes back down the second Rita's tray is collected. This allows you about 5 inches to read, write and sit without having your kneecaps bruised.

12) Cynthia Sky-Phone: Cynthia uses the sky-phone from the moment the seat belt sign comes off to just minutes before landing. She is calling everyone she knows, expressing angst in a loud voice over business plans, personal plans and anything else that may draw attention to how important she must be.

13) Loquacious Larry: He is the seatmate who does not stop talking to you from the second you sit down at the beginning of the flight. Even when you attempt to sleep, Larry will talk on-as if you are awake, and he has no problem waking you up to ask you biting questions such as "are those the Rocky Mountains down there"?

14) Alyson Agent: Cousin to Loquacious Larry, Alyson must know everything about you. She offers very little about herself, and you are afraid to ask her anything, lest she dote on herself for the entire flight. You try to be polite as your patience is put to the test.

15) Negative Norman: He is the person who finds fault with everything. The flight is taking off late, the flight attendant did not greet him properly, the air conditioning is not working, his headset does not work, the pretzels are stale and on and on.

16) Weeping Wanda: Wanda is below the age of two and is expressing her feelings freely, by crying. Unfortunately she is on the lap of the person next to you and Wanda is loud and no other seats are available. Normally Wanda stops crying when she is carried, but on this flight, her trip through the cabin serves as a wake up call to every passenger as her whining takes on new degrees of strength and pitch.

17) Neophyte Ned: Ned has never flown before and does not know how to use anything. He needs help with the seatbelt, can not figure out how to open the washroom door, or to exit once he has finished. He has no idea where to plug in the headset and everytime he tries to adjust the volume, he pushes the call button and an attendant rushes over.

18) Proselytizing Pearl: Pearl has found religion and wants everyone to share in her joy. You are sitting next to Pearl for this long, long flight and Pearl is determined to give you books, pamphlets, flyers and sermons on why she is happy and free and why you should be too.

19) Tommy Territory: Tommy had a three-seat bank all to himself. As soon as the seat belt sign is turned off, he plans to spread out to dissuade anyone from invading his territory. You have given your aisle seat up so a couple could sit together and, at the last minute before take off-the flight attendant sits you down in Tommy's Territory. Daggers fly from his eyes and he is, shall we say, "grumbly" to you for the rest of the flight.

20) Marion Librarian: Marion loves to read. As she enters the plane to find her seat, she empties the magazine rack, takes a few newspapers and stuffs them all in her seat pouch. She never reads them-she just wants them, and at the end of the flight, they leave the plane with her.

21) Glen the Grocer: Glen is related to Marion, but his specialty is food. He eats very little but stuffs everything into his carry-on bag. The cheese from breakfast, the orange juice, the small bottles of liquor he orders, a bun from lunch and, not surprising, the cutlery from dinner.

22) Brushing Betty: Betty has long, straight, brown hair. One way to keep it long and straight is to brush it-which she does, at least forty times over the course of the flight. She does this in the seat next to you, flinging her hair to whatever side you are sitting on-or she may be in the seat in front of you, tossing her hair over the back of her chair and into your breakfast tray.

23) Aisle-be-there-Albert: Albert likes to fly because he is rarely restricted to his seat. Albert, you see, owns the aisle and he stays there constantly. He sits on the arm of your chair, he leans heavily on your seat back while he chats to a friend behind you, and he gets a bit miffed when other passengers want to pass him in the narrow aisles. Albert, of course, MUST be the first to deplane after arriving at the destination and he will push and shove to make this dream come true.

24) Squirrelly Sally: Sally always arrives late, after all the overhead compartment space is full. Sally always ignores the airline regulations and has too many carry-ons. She then proceeds to squirrel-away her bags in many different compartments. On arrival at the destination, Sally holds up the plane while she must go back and find each and every bag before letting others pass her place in line.

25) Laptop Louie: Louie is a nice guy. He smiles, he is courteous and he is a laptop fanatic. As soon as it is allowed, he turns on the laptop and all you hear for the next 5 hours is the puckety-puckety sound of the keyboard.

26) Voracious Violet: Violet is a lovely person with a sparkling personality. She is a savvy person who gives an impression of sophistication and success. When the food arrives, her "Dr. Jekyll" personna emerges. She attacks the tin foil on the hot plate with desperation, her arms are flailing and anyone in the vicinity is clearly edged out of the way. An elbow in her eating area is quickly expunged from the feeding ground. Moments after she begins, just as you are about to finish the first item on your tray, Violet puts away her tray, a big smile on her face. Her feeding frenzy has abated-for the time being.

27) Laughing Lenny: Lenny appreciates good humour and he is extraverted enough to be able to laugh out loud from time to time. When he puts on the airline headphones, Lenny becomes transported to another world. Oblivious to all around him, he loudly laughs, guffaws, titters, oohs and aahs with every perceived joke on the airline movie screen in front of him. You look up the first time and fail to see the humour, but each time you resume your sleeping or reading, Lenny is broadcasting his laugh-ability.

28) Business Class Boris: Boris was born to fly business class and he wants everyone to know it. The comfort and joy of upscale travel is only second in importance to the thrill of having everyone see that you are in business class. In the boarding lounge, when priority seating is announced, Boris makes a grand theatrical departure. During the flight Boris makes numerous trips to the back of the economy section only to catch a few eyes and have them follow him back to his business class paradise. Boris is a firm believer in class structure and therefore when the curtain separating business class from economy seating is left open, he peers out into economy to glare at the huddled masses and then with the expertise of a flight attendant, he curtly snaps the curtain shut to protect his domain.

29) Snoring Sandra: You are looking forward to a relaxing flight…maybe get some work done…maybe read that new novel…until Sandra sits down, closes her eyes and starts to saw the wood. We are not talking about a slight wheeze here and there but a full blown nasal, pyrotechnical production akin to the closing movement of the 1812 Overture. Your peace is destroyed. You cover your ears, cower and hurry to put the earphones on and crank up the volume.

30) Herbert Halitosis: Herbert has bad breath and every time he tries to chat, you reel back due to the odour. You offer Herbert a mint or some chewing gum, and he declines, much to your chagrin. What is worse, is when Herbert falls asleep, and his head lolls in your direction. The only remedy is to make enough noise to walk him up or go for a log walk in the plane.

31) Lance Long Legs: Lance has no carry-on to store under the seat in front of him--so he uses it to store his long, long legs. Lance travels in economy--so he needs all his leg space--as well as yours (in the seat in front of him). As he stretches out, he rests the soles of his shoes on your nice clean trousers for the duration of the flight.

32) Pick of the Litter Paula: Someone drops the plastic bag from their headset in the middle of the aisle right next to Paula. She ignores it as if to say it is not her job to pick it up-even though it may pose a slippery danger to anyone walking by. After the flight attendant nearly does the splits by sliding on the plastic, Paula feigns concern but by that time the litter has been picked up.