SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I found this online and it was really helpful to me to read it and thought it might help some of you. While what he advocates to do may not be true in every situation, I needed to read that the affair was not my fault.

"Cheaters Cheat... end of story.
When your man cheats, it feels like your entire universe crumbles around you. Most women dealing with a cheating husband or boyfriend start thinking of ways to fix the situation. We wonder what we've done to drive him to the arms of another woman. We struggle to think of ways to bring him back.
STOP!
Cheaters cheat. That's it. Cheating is not about boredom or dissatisfaction. Cheating is the result of a character flaw that allows men or women to rationalize cheating and breaking vows. Affairs are not normal, healthy reactions to uncommon relationship struggles. Rather, they are unhealthy reactions to the trials and tribulations common to most relationships from time to time.
Don't torture or embarrass yourself making the same mistakes millions of women make when they know their man is cheating. Save your self-respect, dignity, and time by cutting your losses and freeing yourself for a better relationship with a more functional man.
The other woman:
Yeah, she's got to be pure evil to steal another woman's man, but that's really not the point. She's not the one who committed to you, who promised to to be true to you, and then cheated on you. Even more importantly, if it wasn't her it would be someone else.
People cheat because they are cheaters. When a man cheats it's not because he was innocently seduced by another woman's wicked charms. It's not because she offered something you didn't. It's not because she's better than you. Cheaters cheat. They don't need temptation to have an affair.
Let go of your anger towards the other woman. It's misguided. Focus instead on the fact that the partner you were in a relationship with violated his commitment to monogomy. If it wasn't her, he'd have found someone else. Even if she leaves the picture, there are millions of women in the world for him to cheat with.
If he has cheated on you, it's time to move on. Cheaters cheat... and cheat... and cheat.
You didn't drive him to cheat. If your man is cheating, it's not a reflection of your worth, but an indication that he is incapable of handling the responsibility of maintaining a relationship. He is lacking mature adult coping skills. The problem is his, NOT YOURS.
Because you didn't cause your man to cheat, you can't stop it either. There is nothing you can change in yourself to make a cheater be loyal. Stop thinking that if you were thinner, prettier, wilder in bed, or more exciting he would be faithful. If your man is cheating, he's not thinking about you one way or another.

I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California

Nailinmyforehead♂ 38427Member # 38427

Posted: 4:47 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

Seems to be a sad "one size fits all" article. I understand about the focus away from the betrayed. Do you believe that people can change? Not only from "cheating", but possibly other negative character flaws? I do. I have seen it. Not only in my own situation, but also with certain negative things with myself having nothing to do with fidelity. I believe people can change- if they want to badly enough.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio

karmahappens♀ 35846Member # 35846

Posted: 5:01 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

Wow

I think this article is so off based for someone who may want to consider R with a WS that gets it.

People cheat, men, women.

Is a cheater going to always be a cheater? No, depends on the person, their issues, the help and healing they get and how much thay want to change.

One thing is true...it isn't about you, the betrayed spouse. You have nothing to do with their decision, let them take full responsibility for it.

If you are new and just starting this roller coaster you will learn there are many opinions and ideas regarding the whys and what will be's of a cheater.

Give yourself time and let your story unfold. Don't worry about what someone else thinks or says, your feelings, your life, your relationship.Listen to your gut. take the advice that fits and leave the rest.

What you need to do is be good to you.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3909 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

BrighterFuture♀ 38914Member # 38914

Posted: 10:00 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

I agree that cheaters cheat and if it wasn't her it would have been someone else especially for long term affairs. The focus should be on WS not the OW unless she is someone you knew then I could understand feelinf betrayed by her. I also agree that people can change, but they have to be remorseful and do the work by themselves. It is not the BS job to look for ways to fix things.

Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.

Posts: 395 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio

Kierst13♀ 39197Member # 39197

Posted: 10:04 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

Is a cheater going to always be a cheater? No, depends on the person, their issues, the help and healing they get and how much thay want to change.

I respectfully disagree. A cheater is always a cheater, just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. It does not mean they will drink or cheat again, but they will always be in recovery as to not slip into old behaviors.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013

MakingLemonade♀ 41143Member # 41143

Posted: 10:27 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

An acquaintance has a saying he uses incessantly: "Liars lie, cheaters cheat, and thieves steal...short of an epiphany."

Dawn58, even though there was not a qualifying statement in what you shared (though you yourself did qualify it), we BSs do need to be reminded, it is not our fault and we are not responsible for our WS cheating. Thank you for the reminder!

Comment on a BS trying to better themselves. I have been trying to improve myself since D day. Eating better, working out more, reading a lot of self help books, trying to commincat more, express what I am feeling. But this has nothing to do with trying to win WW back. This has everything with me wanting to be HAPPY.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal

Pippy♀ 16482Member # 16482

Posted: 10:59 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

There were issues between us that I now admit we both were responsible for. I was afraid to bring up issues for fear he would D me some day. He was not the kind to have intimate discussions and it built up but I never realized how much until D-Day. We both contributed to our demise.

But he CHOSE to cheat. I had no input in that. That was his way of getting out of our marriage.

We were M 30 years, and 3 weeks after D-Day, he moved in with the OW and has lived with her for 9 years now. I doubt he would cheat on her. He's the kind who would stay rather than go through this again. Leaving her would unvalidate our D and all the pain he has caused our family.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies

Whatdoido333♀ 36597Member # 36597

Posted: 11:14 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

I agree with this to a degree. Cheaters cheat and they may be able to change with hard work. It is not the BSs fault. But, If the AP knows the WS is married, they are partially at fault. In my case, the OW knows me, knows I know about her and my WH and she still continues to call him. And she hates me because I made too much of their affair. People are crazy..

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012

HurtButHopeful?♀ 25144Member # 25144

Posted: 2:18 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

I'd say the article is accurate for serial cheaters.

But for others:

Sometimes an A is a "perfect storm" that comes only once. After the storm, the cheater realizes what he/she has done, and they spend the rest of their life making sure they have their radar on, so they can see the clouds swirling around in advance, and go around the storm so as not to get caught up in it.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009

jjsr♀ 34353Member # 34353

Posted: 8:42 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

I think this is a one size fits all article. I think there is a big difference between someone who does this once and someone who continues to do this over and over again.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1697 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.

JustWow♀ 19636Member # 19636

Posted: 8:59 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

Maybe... a cheater, one who never examines themself, one who rugsweeps, minimizes justifies and blame-shifts, will remain a cheater. Why would they not?

So maybe what the original post was saying was a little too one-size-fits-all. Or maybe it is a heads up to as BS to take note if their cheater is wallowing in their status, or working like crazy to transform themself.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3679 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest

Deanna♀ 26854Member # 26854

Posted: 12:02 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013

"Sometimes an A is a "perfect storm" that comes only once. After the storm, the cheater realizes what he/she has done, and they spend the rest of their life making sure they have their radar on, so they can see the clouds swirling around in advance, and go around the storm so as not to get caught up in it."

I think that in general I DO agree with this article. Because I know that NOTHING could make me cheat. I just couldn't do it. If my relationship was wrong, if I stopped 'feeling it' with my partner, I'd talk about it and possibly end the relationship. But cheating takes a particular sort of person and I think it often starts with the way they are brought up. My ex is a kind, loving and sometimes honourable person whose way through relationship difficulties is to cheat. He only ends a relationship when he's got a safe bridge out of it. Being married to him for most of my adult life, while it gave me my wonderful children, damaged me and held me back. I am grateful above anything that he couldn't manage 'R'. I know beyond anything that I will never be involved with a cheat again.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK

PRNDL♂ 41927Member # 41927

Posted: 6:40 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014

I agree with the original post. In my case, my wife kept cheating and cheating. Even through false R. It showed me what she really was. Anyone that can keep on betraying for a year and s half has no soul.

First, understand whether we like to hear it or not, when a bs posts cheaters always being cheaters this a truth for them at the moment. Its a way to accept the agony of the vicious emotions. Time is a nice way to grow into a different opinion if you so choose, but a bs who is relatively new post dday needs the certainty of a black and white world.

Second, while its great to say people can change, it is also very smart to be realistic. Most people find change very hard. There are even other sites and programs run by waywards who purport to help save marriages that will openly discuss "relapse"...like the a.a. Credo, we are not perfect and our journey may include moments of weakness. Are they trying to change, yes, do they relapse yes! So dont get all cupcakes and butterflies here, there's a lot of denial and deep seeded issues in cheaters. Changing and never doing it again is damned difficult and to minimize that is every bit as being black and white as assuming every single cheater will always cheat again.

Finally, the cheater is always a cheat thinking isnt just based on the pure infidelity. If betrayal is complex so is the concept that a cheater is more than the sum of the physical act. People view you differently, think of you differently, and your world is changed by your actions. Like it or not, long term people view you differently. My ex lost friends, family has pulled away, and she is looked down upon by people who simply thought she was one thing but turned out to be another. If you cheat you are someone who couldnt keep the most solid trust in your life. People consider that, and they do judge.