NC (voiceover): For some reason in the mid '90s, we became really tired of supernatural villains trying to kill us, so we decided, "Why don't we let the hand of God piss us off?"

(Images now show movie posters of the following natural disaster movies: Volcano, Armageddon, Deep Impact, Dante's Peak, Titanic, and Daylight)

NC (voiceover): With every natural horror that you could imagine. Volcanoes, shipwrecks, floods, you name it.

NC: Well, we did. And what was one of the highest grossing unnatural disaster films to ever come out of that genre? None other than the swirling menace simply known as Twister.

(Footage from a 'Twister' (game) advertisement is shown)

Background Singers: Twister! The hot spot!

NC: No, no. That game is kind of hot. I'm talking about the movie totally devoid of hotness.

(Image shows Helen Hunt)

NC: Mostly devoid of hotness! The Jan de Bont epic failure, Twister!

(The title screen for Twister is shown, along with footage and the musical score from the movie)

NC (voiceover): A film that asks many daring questions, like "How many Bill Paxtons does it take to slam your head against the wall?" "When did the special effects of tornadoes take over the special effects of storytelling?" And... (Camera zooms on the character Laurence) ...Is that Daniel from "Lost"?

NC: Well, let's not keep this whirlwind of answers away from us any longer! Let's take a look.

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So it starts off with, oddly enough, a twister. Oh, good! That means the movie’s almost over, right?

(A family of three is seen running across their backyard toward their shelter)

NC (voiceover): We see a family hide in their shelter trying to avoid the monstrous beast that approaches them.

(The father sees that the locks on the storm cellar door are failing, and he goes over to try to hold them down)

NC: No, no, don’t do that! You’re locking Dorothy and Toto outside!

(The footage of the father holding down the cellar door intercuts with footage from “The Wizard of Oz” with Dorothy trying to get into her storm cellar)

Dorothy (from “The Wizard of Oz”): Auntie Em! Uncle Henry!

NC (voiceover): We see the father try to keep the door shut, but just can’t compete with the lock that you would more likely find on a restroom door as opposed to the door that’s used to protect your family! Talk about a lame way to save a buck at the general store!

(The locks on the door fail and become loose, sending the father flying out into the storm)

NC (voiceover): (as the father) Damn you, cheap Yugoslavian padlocks!

NC (voiceover): (normal) The mother and daughter, of course, survive the tornado despite having the door open, so it really would have been better if the father just stood there and DID NOTHING!

(The footage of the father being blown away into the storm is seen one last time)

NC: (as a rural commercial spokesperson with his hat backwards and grabbing onto both flaps of his jacket with both hands) If you’re too stupid to realize that your “2 for 1 sale” locks will give out and you’d be leaving your wife and daughter husband-and-fatherless, you just might be…a poorly written character.

(Cut to the aftermath of the storm the next morning before the sun’s light fills up the screen, quickly transitioning to the present day)

NC (voiceover): Well, enough of that emotional drama, as we suddenly cut to several years later. Where? From the sound of it, the opening of “Oklahoma” is about to begin.

(The rousing musical score of the movie intercuts briefly with footage from “Oklahoma” with Curly riding on his horse)

NC (voiceover): We see our main character, Bill Paxton, who’s playing a character named Bill.

NC: (chuckles) Yeah, that’s, uh…quite a stretch.

NC (voiceover): He’s off to meet up with his current wife Jo, to have her sign some divorce papers so that he can marry his new fiancé, a psychiatrist named Melissa. And if you think she (Melissa) has any problems with Bill seeing his former wife again, you’d be mistaken. Why? BECAUSE HE INVITED HER ALONG WITH HIM!

NC: Oh, yeah! That sounds like a romantic weekend, doesn’t it? (as Bill) Hey, honey, you want to drive 12 hours across some boring fields so you can meet up with my current wife who doesn’t want to divorce me at all? (as Melissa) What growing girl hasn’t?

NC (voiceover): So it turns out Bill and Jo used to chase tornadoes together, as we’re introduced to their team of crack scientists, including Cameron from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” a chick who I swear is Velma’s sister from “Scooby-Doo,” and Academy Award winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Dusty, showing us that he truly knows how to earn that Oscar gold.

NC (voiceover): It turns out Jonas is their EVIL competition, driving in all black vehicles. So, why do they hate each other so much?

Bill: (explains to Melissa) We all started out in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got himself some corporate sponsors.

NC: That son of a BITCH!

Bill: He’s got a lot of high-tech gadgets, but he’s got no instincts. He’s in it for the money, not the science.

NC (as Bill) Not like us. We like being financially bankrupt with no money to support our research. It gives us an edge.

NC (voiceover): But as it turns out, Jonas, played by Cary Elwes, has his own version of Dorothy as well, which makes (speaks like the Incredible Hulk) PAXTON MAD!

(Bill fights against Jonas)

Bill: Hey, what, you think I wasn’t gonna find out about this?

Jonas: What the hell are you talkin’ about?!

Bill: Dorothy!

Jonas: (acts smugly) Oh, I get it. You want to take credit for my design.

NC: (as Cary Elwes) You like that? I’m doing an American and a Southern accent, so you can’t even tell that I’m British.

Bill: She was our idea, and you know it.

Jonas: Unrealized idea. Unrealized.

NC: Jeesh, I never knew tornado hunting was such a competitive sport.

NC (voiceover): (referring to Jonas) Look at this performance. There are flies that eat shit that don’t spawn and make shit-eating grins as he does.

Jonas: So stick around. ‘Cause the days of sniffin’ the dirt are over.

NC: (as Jonas, pretending to be a TV spokesman and holding a jar of jelly) And remember to eat plenty of Welch’s grape jelly, one of the sponsors on this little expedition, now in a squeezable bottle.

Jonas: (walks away but then turns around and mocks Bill while putting his cap on) Oh, and by the way, I really enjoy your weather reports.

(Jonas and his crew laugh before Bill tries to get at him again, but Dusty and the rest of the crew hold him back)

Bill: You slime!

NC (voiceover): (as Bill) I’ll teach you to make fun of television meteorology!

Bill: (has everyone on his team let go of him) OK!

NC (voiceover): So Bill agrees to stick around to help Dorothy fly, because Lord knows he can’t let Jonas get to it first.

Melissa: Everything OK?

Bill: It’s okay, everything’s fine.

Melissa: Are you sure?

Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything’s OK.

NC: (as Bill) Yeah, we’re just hanging out with the woman I’m still technically married to for a day without your permission, increasing the possibilities that we’ll ultimately get back together in front of your eyes. Is that cool?

NC (voiceover): (speaks as though mystical) So we see Bill try to get in tune with the wind and the clouds, try to be one with the storm. (Bill grabs for some dirt and picks it up to sift it in his hand before releasing it to test the wind direction, letting nature embody his mind) Gee, it’s almost as if Bill can read the storm’s mind, like he can tell what the storm is thinking, but that would be absolutely retarded, wouldn’t it?

Melissa: So you’re telling me that Billy knows what a storm is thinking?

Jo: Something like that. (She holds out a pack of gum) Gum?

NC: (slaps his forehead) That’s right. He can tell what the storm is thinking. He can also read the minds of trees, chipmunks and garbage cans! (pretends to hold out a pack of gum) Gum?

NC (voiceover): Finally, a twister is spotted, as the team rushes to the cars to try and hunt it down. So, Bill’s gonna ride with his wife, right?

Bill: (to Melissa) Listen, follow us in the truck, but stay behind Dusty’s van, you’ll be safe back there. I gotta go with Jo.

NC (voiceover): Nope! It turns out this mission is too important to ride with your faith loved ones. In this situation, it’s better to ride with your loved ones in denial. (sings to the tune of “I Don’t Know How To Love Him,” dubs over Melissa) I don’t know how to leave him. (normal) While they’re driving towards the twister, we’re fortunate enough to listen to some of annoyance’s greatest hits.

(Dusty turns on a TV, playing Deep Purple's "Child in Time", and cranking up the music)

Dusty: WOOO-HOOOO!! HEY, YOU GUYS!! WOOO-HOOOO!!

NC: (chuckles lightly) How is this the least bit charming?

(Cut to Preacher (another team member) turning up his car radio to play the “William Tell Overture”)

(An animated image of a Tyrannosaurus Rex roaring flies across the screen along with a giant tornado (all done by NC))

NC (voiceover): So they (Bill and Jo) hide under a bridge—which is actually the stupidest thing you can do, considering not only can it collapse on you, but it’s also a wind tunnel of suction—as Jo becomes fascinated by the mysterious wonder.

Bill: Jo, what are you doing?!

Jo: I want to see it! I WANT TO SEE IT!!

NC: (as Jo) I’m so intrigued by the way it…spins.

NC (voiceover): So the tornado leaves them, but takes the TRUCK somehow, as it quickly disappears into the atmosphere.

Jo: Where’s my truck?

(Jo’s truck suddenly lands into the road, narrowly missing Melissa in her truck, and she screams; Dusty quickly approaches Melissa’s truck, and she is shaking and hyperventilating)

Dusty: Are you OK? You just missed the truck! That's awesome!

NC: Yeah, because that’s what hysterical women want to see: (footage of Dusty is shown with NC doing an extreme closeup on his face) Phillip Seymour Hoffman, right up in your face.

NC (voiceover): And who’s following close behind?

(Jonas and his crew drive by (with the “Star Wars” Imperial March playing in the background))

NC: (shakes his fist in the air and looks skyward) JONAS!!!

NC (voiceover): Look at that. They pass right by and don’t even help them out. That’s what corporate sponsors do to you, kids.

(Dusty runs up to Jonas’ van, sticking the upper half of his body in the window)

Dusty: Give me a kiss, baby.

Eddie: Get outta here. GET OUTTA HERE!

NC: That’s right. Kiss him once for me, Dusty! (Beat) Wait…

NC (voiceover): So they decide to pick up their feet and try again, as another tornado is on the move, following right behind the Jackass Brigade.

(Bill’s crew drive past Jonas' crew)

Eddie: (to Jonas) Got to admire their spirit.

NC: (as Jonas, holding up a box of Hefty Ziploc bags) Yes, but you also have to admire Hefty Ziploc bags. Because every tornado hunter should keep their food cleaner, fresher, better.

Jo: (as Bill slams on the brakes) What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Bill: (stares out the windshield) Look at the updraft. The angle! It’s gonna shift its track.

Jo: Are you sure?

Bill: Oh, yes, It’s definitely a sidewinder.

NC: So like they said, we don’t know anything about how a tornado works, except EXACTLY WHERE IT’S GOING TO GO! You don’t need science; just ask Dances with Funnel Clouds over there!

Jonas: It’s moving away!

Eddie: Looks like they’re gonna intercept.

(Jonas views through his binoculars to see Bill’s team going after the tornado)

Jonas: (into his radio) Damn it, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading!

NC: (as Tony) Well, that’s what you get when you’re in it for the money, sir.

NC (voiceover): So they (Bill’s team) come across a pair of tornadoes over a bridge, where they can actually see cows flying right past them.

Melissa: (calls on her phone) I gotta go, Julia, we got cows!

NC (voiceover): (as a cow) It’s OK! They’re taking me to McDonald’s, anyway! (normal) So the tornado passes over our heroes, and, once again, it suddenly disappears. Have you noticed how they just immediately vanish after every encounter? What, does Bill Paxton taste bad or something?

NC: You see, F3 would be like the nose hairs of God. F4, you might be lucky to get the toenail. F5? That’s a whole fucking finger.

Melissa: None of you have ever seen an F5?

Bill: Just one of us.

NC (voiceover): Ah, that poor lost soul that Bill Paxton isn’t the least bit in love with. She was the girl in the beginning of the movie who lost her father to the twister. And as we see in the next tornado hunt they go on, she’s obsessed with hunting every last one down. Why? Does she think her father’s gonna show up in one of them?

(Jo and Bill have an argument after failing again to get Dorothy into the tornado)

Jo: You’ve never seen what that thing can do, so don’t even talk to me about—!

Bill: I just saw it—!

Jo: (shoves Bill) YOU’VE NEVER SEEN IT! You’ve never seen it miss this house, and miss that house, and come after you!

Bill: (on the radio) Stop living in the past and look at what you’ve got right in front of you!

Jo: (on the radio) What are you saying?

Bill: (on the radio) Me, Jo.

NC (voiceover): (as Bill) I’m still not in love with you, though.

(Bill walks away before we cut to Melissa thinking to herself)

NC (voiceover): (as Melissa) Gee, I’m starting to think that this asshole who tossed me aside on several occasions and ignores me every chance he gets actually has a thing for her.

NC: (slaps his hand against the side of his head) DOYYY!!!

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, at a drive-in—where they’re showing much better scary movies (“The Shining”)—Melissa starts thinking that maybe being married to someone who’s still married to another person by every meaning of the definition isn’t such a good thing. But she doesn’t have long to think about it, as guess what the hell shows up?

(The reception on Melissa’s motel TV goes off as wind starts to blow outside (NC puts in the “Jaws” theme music here))

NC (voiceover): So they rush to her aunt’s house as they look over all the destruction it left behind. Jo, I guess, sees a ghostly image of her family, which is kind of strange, ‘cause she’s in it, too… (as the father) Avenge my twistery death! (normal) …as they get to her house and manage to pull her out before the place collapses. They say it’s because the building gave away, but I don’t know, I think it’s because Dusty stepped on it.

Melissa: You know, I can’t compete with this. The funny thing is, I’m not that upset.

NC: (laughs as he speaks) I can’t imagine why that is!

Bill: What about you?

Melissa: Oh, don’t worry about me.

NC: (as Melissa) As long as I’m far away from Dusty, I’ll be OK.

NC (voiceover): But it looks like the final battle is just ahead of them, as Dusty reports on—big surprise—ANOTHER tornado in the area.

Dusty: (to Jo) I don’t even know if you wanna know, but I…It-it’s happening. The NSSL’s predicted an F5.

(The “Rocky” theme music begins to play)

NC: (rolls up his sleeves) All right, Twister, it’s payback time!

(NC’s title card “Jo vs. The Tornado” is shown before returning to footage from the movie)

NC (voiceover): (as an announcer) And it is a beautiful day for a fight. The crowds are hyped, the fighters are ready, and we're excited to see the most implausible, unpractical of ridiculous climaxes! It’s a beautiful day for our intelligence to be insulted!

Dusty: God, he sucks.

NC (voiceover): (normal) But before they can get there, someone else has beaten them to the punch.

(Jonas’ team arrives on the scene (with the “Star Wars” Imperial March playing once more))

NC: (shakes his fist in the air and looks skyward) JONAS!!!

NC (voiceover): But Bill tries to warn them that they’re too close to the tornado and that it’s gonna turn around and hit them.

Bill: (speaks into his radio) Jonas, listen to me. This is not a game!

Jonas: (speaks into his radio) Get off this frequency, Bill!

Bill: (speaks into his radio) Jonas, I’m telling you…Eddie, I know you can hear me! Turn around now!

Eddie: Maybe we should do what he says. He'd never put us in harm’s way.

(A radio tower (broken off by the power of the tornado) slams through the windshield, killing Eddie before the van is picked up into the air)

NC (voiceover): (as Jonas) Remember to drink Pepsi….! (normal) Well, they could still be OK.

(Jonas’ van crashes to the ground and explodes, killing him)

NC: (winces) Ooh, probably not.

NC (voiceover): But the twister quickly starts coming after our heroes, as it throws everything in their path.

Jo: (directs Bill to avoid the falling debris) RIGHT!

(Bill swerves right, avoiding some tires)

Jo: LEFT!

(Bill swerves left, avoiding a farming machine)

Jo: RIGHT!

(Bill swerves right, avoiding a falling tractor)

NC: (pretends to push buttons on a video game controller) Push the “A” button! Push the “A” button!

NC (voiceover): Everything you can imagine is thrown at them. Wheels, debris, tractors, even a freaking house! (Bill successfully drives through the house unharmed) Good God, what else could they possibly throw in their way?

NC: (points to the camera) LOOK OUT! IT’S THE SEARS TOWER!

(An animated image of the Sears Tower falls in front of Bill and Jo)

NC: (points to the camera) THE TITANIC!

(An animated image of the Titanic falls in front of Bill and Jo)

NC: (points to the camera) OZZY OSBOURNE!

Ozzy Osbourne (voiced by NC, appearing as just an image): Oh, what’s all this I hear about a tornado—(is hit by the car) Hey!

NC (voiceover): Finally, the two get Dorothy in the twister and release all the sensors.

(Dusty’s crew cheers upon seeing the sensors picking up readings from the twister)

NC: (as a crew member) Wow! (faces off-screen camera left, pretending to read from a control panel) And what do the sensors tell us? (Beat) That tornadoes are unpredictable! (Beat, then slams his hands on his desk in fury) FUCK!

NC (voiceover): But the F5 isn’t through, as it continues to actually follow our heroes everywhere they go! What, do they have some tornado treats in their pockets?

Bill: God! Come on! Run for it!

NC: (as Hudson from “Aliens”) This is a bug hunt! Game over, man! Game over!

(As Bill and Jo continue to run and duck for cover to avoid any flying debris, we get a close-up shot of a snorting horse)

NC: …HOOOOORSE!!

NC (voiceover): So, how do they eventually outsmart the twister? By strapping themselves to a pipe with a leather belt.

Bill: These pipes go down at least 30 feet! We anchor to ‘em, we might have a chance!

NC: (shrugs and laughs as he speaks) Of course! Here, I thought the smart thing to do was hide in a shelter or a basement, but nope! If you got a belt and a set of pipes, strap yourselves to ‘em and you won’t even be lifted off the ground! That’s the smarty thing to do!

NC (voiceover): The tornado, of course, passes over without one bit of debris touching them and apparently keeping the wind breeze to a minimum as they can keep their eyes open to witness the center.

(Angelic music fills the air as Bill and Jo stare up at a light at the top of the twister; lightning circles around the light)

NC (voiceover): (as Jo) Wow, it’s so implausible! (normal) And once again, after it passes over them, the mighty F5 twister decides to vanish into thin air. (as Dr. Claw from “Inspector Gadget”) I’ll get you next time, Paxton. Next time! (as M.A.D Cat, he snarls)

(Bill and Jo sit up while under the pipes)

NC (voiceover): (as Bill) I still want a divorce.

(Dusty’s crew approaches)

NC (voiceover): So after giving the Finger to the finger of God in surviving what no other person in the history of mankind has ever survived, what do our main characters do? Argue.

Jo: You’ve got to do an analysis of all that data.

Bill: I do?

Jo: Yeah, we’ve got to generate models out of all this data, and I need to run the lab—

NC (voiceover): Why was this movie such a big hit? Because of the effects. Nothing else. Because when you really look at this assfest of a movie, you see nothing but what assfests always produce: crap, crap, crap!

NC: It’s so horrifically bad that it even scared the Burger King away, and he’s usually the one scaring other people away!