Thursday, May 29, 2014

A disturbing story in the news today about a middle school guidance counselor/chorus teacher and voice coach who was arrested after allegedly having a year long relationship with one of his 14 year old female students. Here are my thoughts about how parents can talk to their teens about this kind of inappropriate teen/teacher relationship.

PS: If you have my book and are finding it useful, please consider writing a review on Amazon. I would be so appreciative!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

When your teens were younger, the "family" vacation was mythical. Something to look forward to, something to get your kids though the winter doldrums and that last month of school when you can taste summer but can't experience it yet. Fast forward to the teen years. "We're going to the cape again....Europe!!!! who wants to spend my summer looking at churches and museums. Wah wah, I'll miss my friends."

First don't get hooked into that argument or come back with a "Do you know how lucky you are?" lecture. In this moment, being separated from friends, and possibly missing out on some amazing party, concert, or hang session is all they can focus out. You don't need to argue or convince, just listen, and then say " I get that this feels hard and I know that you're worried you might miss out on something fun." And then just stop there. You know they are going, and that this is not an optional trip. If you allow yourself to get hooked into an argument they will never stop hoping that if they wear you down, you'll leave them at home with a friend. Just let them vent.

In addition to the venting strategy, do try to include them in the planning. If they feel included in the decision-making you will get much less resistance. Maybe the dates aren't flexible but the what of the trip is still open to discussion. Maybe it's to visit family, or go to a vacation destination that you have been going to for years, or maybe you are lucky enough to travel to some exotic location. Make sure that the activities you choose to do where ever you go, take into account who each of your kids are, and their personal interests . If they love sports, then find a local soccer/tennis/ baseball game that might spark their interest. Or if they like amusement parks, or shopping malls, beaches, pools, zoos, you get the idea. Your idea of what to see and do, may be the antithesis of what they like to do. Ask them to look on the Internet for something in the location that they might like to do. Including them in the planning is a sign of respect. And respect leads to accommodation. Just don't expect smiles and gratitude. You'll get that in 10 years as they look back on their youth and tell you how amazing that trip was that you took when they were 16. As you think, OMG you were a pain in the ass on that trip. Now you tell me you had fun!!! Go figure.

PS: If you have my book and are finding it useful, please consider writing a review on Amazon. I would be so appreciative!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I've read about this, and now I've heard about this first hand from a number of parents who have had to deal with the consequences of this very very dangerous technique girls use to "drink." This is very gender specific. Although I just read about boys using this technique using their rectum as a receptical. (I warned you it would be icky)

Here is what girls do, they soak tampons in vodka, and now for the ick factor, they insert these vodka bloated tampons into their vagina. I know, you are cringing with disgust and fear.

Here is the why girls think this is OK:

They won't be wasting calories on alcohol

They won't have booze-breath, which is great when they get home from a dance or party and have to greet their parents.

they can get buzzed really fast, since the alcohol goes directly into the bloodstream, bypassing the digestive system.

They don't throw up..again because the volume of alcohol that goes into their body, which normally would go through their digestive system, and make them sick and and throw up the over abundance of booze is bypassed.

Here is why this is extremely dangerous:

"The medical risks are also increased. A person who has ingested too much alcohol directly into his bloodstream will not vomit, but will likely lose consciousness.

If the person does pass out or lose consciousness, health care professionals won't necessarily know that they have to look in those areas and that may delay treatment"

Please read this blog to your teens. They will gag with disgust, but then that is the point. It may save their life, or the life of one of their friends, who may be hellbent on giving this a try just for the novelty of it. Teach your teen to be the voice of reason for a friend who may be heading for trouble. It could save a life!

PS: If you have my book and are finding it useful, please consider writing a review on Amazon. I would be so appreciative!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

1.What
do parents need to understand about what their teen child is going through
psychologically and physically?

Puberty
absolutely sucks! This wreaks havoc in a teen’s life; too tall, too short, big
boobs, no boobs, acne. From the second a teen wakes up in the morning and looks
in that mirror, and sees live and in person their perceived inadequacies, the
mood for their day is set. One pimple can ruin a day. Because of new brain
growth, teens are now hyper-aware of what other people think about them. This self-consciousness
can be paralyzing. Unfortunately parents get the worst of it. When teens are
with their friends they have to be “all good,” but at home the stress of this
new body and brain shows in sullenness, and attitude. The most difficult part
of this puberty business is there really is no way of making it better; you
just have to wait it out. Parents can’t “make it all better.” For the fix-it
parent this is a tough slog.

2.What
are four typical mistakes or assumptions parents make about their teen children?

1.Parents
think that their teens do not want to spend time with them. WRONG. In a survey
I did with teens 9-12th grade, almost all the kids said they wish
they could spend more time with their parents. Just don’t do it on a weekend
night!

2.Labeling their
teen. Many parents see their teens doing bad things, and label them as bad. Not
true!! There is a huge learning curve during the teen years. Part of the
process of leaning is making mistakes, and making bad choices. Making these
learning opportunities rather than just punishing “bad behavior” is what
changes behavior.

3.Over
thinking and over problem solving. Many times teens come to their parents to
just vent about a situation they are having trouble with. They aren’t looking
for a fix, just a shoulder to lean on. Parents like fixing, and go right to the
“here’s what I think you should do…” Teens then react with anger, and “you just
don’t understand.” And the lovely moment has gone ugly.

4.Unrealistic
expectation. Not all teens are meant to be honor roll students. Some have
strengths in other area that as life goes on will be equally if not more
important in the long run of adulthood.

3.For
blended families or single parents, how much harder is it for the parents to
raise teenagers?

Blended families
can be extremely stressful during the teen years. It’s hard enough to do the
job of “separation/individuation” from your own parents, but then to have to
deal with another set of people you don’t know, may not care about, and did not
choose to join your life can be unbelievably stressful. For single parents,
there is of course the stress of having to do it all, but also the reality of
not having another person to share the physical supervision that teens need.
Also the relationship between parent and teen can be intense without another
adult as a buffer zone.

4.What
inspired you – or rather, what events necessitated you to pen A Survival
Guide to Parenting Teens?

I can’t tell you
how many parents come up to me after one of my parenting seminars or email me
with a “can you just tell me what to do about….? So much of parenting a teen is
going from crisis to crisis, and a tomb on the psychology of adolescence is
useless in that minute. I wanted to give parents their own “parenting coach”
for those moments when they just need a game plan. I think the 80 tips in the
book cover most situations parents of teens face daily and need a quick go-to.

5.What
do parents of teen boys need to watch out for vs. parenting teen girls?

Boys are much
better at masking emotions than girls. They tend to be more closed-up,
especially if the men in their life do not provide a model for using emotional
language. Boys face the same issues of body image, social standing, crushes,
etc as girls. Girls feel permission to rant and rave about this stuff where
boys often keep those feelings of insecurity hidden and may be prone to
depression because of them. I am extremely worried about boys and pornography.
Because most kids get smartphones in middle school, boys now have easy access
to porn away from any prying adult supervision. Research has shown that this
early introduction to sometimes violent and misogynistic sex has given boys
unbridled permission to sexually harass girls they know. Parents need to be
extremely proactive in discussing this issue with their sons.

6.How
do parents manage a teen’s amount of screen time, not to mention the specific
activities or type of content accessed by their children?

First, parents
have to stop being afraid that their kids will get mad when they start to set
limits on this. Teens will get mad, very mad, but that doesn’t mean that they
don’t need help. Iphones, Ipads, Itouch, laptops without supervision equal
addiction. Most smartphone companies now offer plans that put parents in the
driver seat. Parents should be the only person allowed to download apps, no
devices at bedtime and phones should be shutdown during school. There are many
social networking apps that are just time sucks. Teens spend hours posting on
multiple sites, and responding to other peoples posts. There are too many sites
that encourage bullying, and sexting. Teens DO NOT have the controls to be
smart and disciplined….yet. It is a set up to expect teens to shut off and shut
down on their own.

7.Let’s
face it.Parents cannot monitor
everything and don’t have the time or energy to get involved in every aspect of
their child’s life.Should parents
just trust their child and give them independence and be free to make mistakes?

Making mistakes
is a good thing, when it comes to natural consequences. Not getting up on time
for school and getting detention; waiting till the last minute and failing to
get a paper or project in on time and getting a bad grade; staying out past
curfew and missing out on going out the next weekend; forgetting homework and
leaving it at home and getting a zero; these are all things kids should and can
be responsible for, and yet these are the things that most parents rescue their
kids from, worrying that it will affect their grades or chances to get into
honor classes. Monitoring technology until a teen brain has matured enough to
manage dangerous impulses is worth that energy. Serious mental heath issues,
and legal consequences, these risks are just too steep,

8.How
has parenting a teen, circa 1984, changed from raising one today?

As teens, this
generation of parents experienced much of what their teens are experiencing;
teen angst, puberty, alcohol, drugs, sex, so at least that gives them some
perspective. But technology was not a part of their teen years. Unfortunately
we have all jumped in the pool together and parents and teens are sharing in
the excitement of all this new technology simultaneously. But teenage use and
adult use are not the same, and no one was prepared for how all this technology
could and does impact a teen’s life. Who knew teens wouldbe sending naked pictures and using
language fit for 1-900-SEXY as just part of the normal teenage experience, or
that the family TV would become a dusty relic as teens hunker down in their
caves watching movies, playing games and getting naked away from the prying
eyes of mom and dad.

9.With
the recent spate of school shootings by disgruntled teens, are there
preventative measures parents can take so as not to raise someone who one day
just explodes?

First it is important
for every parent to step back and take a long, hard, honest look at their teen.
What is the nature/temperament their child was born with and how does his/her
nature interact with the parent’s inherent nature. Is there a disconnect there
that has made parenting this child a challenge from day one? Is there anger and
resentment within the family, and if so, it needs to be addressed. “I get we
are family where there is a lot of anger, that must be hard sometimes, what can
we do differently?” Does your teen isolate themselves from both family and
friends? This can be a red flag. Sometimes there are obvious signs, but they
can get chalked up to normal teen angst. When a parent sees a pattern emerging,
they should pay attention to it!

10.How
do parents teach kids about money management when they are in debt or living
paycheck to paycheck?

Parents rarely
share the nuts and bolts of the family financial situation with their kids.
With teenagers, this can be a really useful life lesson. Teens do a lot of magical
thinking, and nuts and bolts bring them back to earth. I would sit down monthly
with teens and set out the family budget; money in money out. This is a good
reality check for teens who think they are entitled to what everyone else has.
Where there is a shortfall for things the teen may want or need, than it can
become a team problem-solving event. Also equally as important is for a parent
to understand that their financial situation is hard for the teen. Teens are
very self-conscious and may be embarrassed about their family’s financial
situation. Parents should acknowledge, and understand their teen’s perspective,
but never apologize for the family circumstances, life is what it is.

11.What
are the rewards to investing time and attention to your child’s well being
during their tumultuous teen years?

The most exciting
part of raising teen is watching this new person develop, like seeing your baby
walk for the first time. They are now capable of seeing all that the world has
to offer. They are at the buffet of life, and they will need to try out
different offerings to see what is right for them. Everything a parent has
taught, and nurtured up till this point is all in the mix, and parents need to
trust that. A parent’s greatest gift to this emerging adult is to let go of
their own expectations of what they want their teen to become, and let their
teen become who he/she is meant to become.

PS: If you have my book and are finding it useful, please consider writing a review on Amazon. I would be so appreciative!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

For most parents,
trying to understand why their teen does so many “stupid” things, makes so many
“stupid” decisions, and doesn’t want to listen to their advice gained from so
many years of experience is crazy making! Without understanding what drives
their teen’s behavior, parents just go from one crisis to the next, throwing
around consequences and punishments hoping that something they do will stick
and change their teen’s terrifying ways. But alas, just saying don’t do it or
you better not, and then grounding them when they do, does not change behavior.
Many parents of teens feel an enormous loss of control. “Because I said so” is
no longer an effective parenting tool. You cannot parent a teenager the same
way you parent a younger child. It is this redefining of parenting style that
most parents of teens are unprepared for.

2.Which
subjects freak parents out the most – discussing sex, alcohol and drugs, socialmedia, school, or issues like
depression?

I think the
issues like drugs/sex/social media are front and center because parents are
forced to deal with them on a daily basis. They are “in your face” kind of
issues. Many many teens are dealing with depression and anxiety these days, but
they are good at masking them with…. drugs/alcohol/sex and social networking. Parents
then are dealing with symptoms of possible depression and anxiety, doing too
much of all those other things which are avoidance behaviors. Also parents
worry that drugs/alcohol/sex and social networking will negatively impact their
kid’s success in school. PS, it will!

3.What
can parents of pre-teens do to prepare for what will be required of them, as
parents, to help and control their children that will turn into teenagers?

Take the blinders off. Many parents
assume that because their kids were easy and obedient during the elementary
school years that they will dodge a bullet heading into the teen years. I can’t
tell you how many times I have heard; “ I never imagined that MY kid would ever…”from
parents of newly minted teens doing the things teens do. As ALL teens enter
adolescence they are faced with an amazing number of “firsts” for which they have
absolutely no experience. They have a new brain and new body to boot; so all
bets are off thinking just because their kids were easy, they will continue on that path. When
you can anticipate rather than be surprised by some of the normal teen behavior
there is more opportunity to use thoughtful strategy rather than be reactive,
and in crisis mode.

4.Doesn’t
every stage of parenting present hurdles and roadblocks? What’s so different
about the teen years?

Teen brains are
experiencing enormous growth. This means that they are literally seeing the
world through a new lens. Additionally in adolescence, the emotional part of
the teen brain is in higher activation than their thinking brain, which is completely
opposite from the way an adult brain functions. This means teen behavior is
driven by emotion and impulse rather than by the rational and the thoughtful.
Except for the first 18 months of life, there is no other time in life when
there is such extreme brain change. It’s biology baby! For parents this is
scary because just as their teen’s brain sees the “awesomeness” of it all, they
are exposed to experiences that carry tremendous risk.

5.Your
daughter went on to star in a network television show.Does this mean you did something right
as a parent?

Ari’s success is
totally a reflection of her hard work and talent; we take no credit for that.
What we did do as parents was to know and understand who she was and what
turned her on. We supported her passion which she exhibited at a very early age
and found her opportunities to participate to her little hearts content. As she
got older that definitely meant some job juggling for my husband and I. Because
Ari was an only child, we were able to do that and she was able to take
advantage of acting opportunities that required some significant chauffeuring
and time management. But I think our real gift to her was staying out of her
way. We were all very clear about boundaries; we were her chauffeurs, catering
service and supporters, not her directors, managers and agents.

6.Let’s
discuss real-life issues.How do
you advise parents of teenagers who are being bullied online?

The first issue
is availability. Teens can be gluttons for punishment. Get them off the sites
and apps where bulling occurs and block the kids who are taunting them from
those sites. If a bully doesn’t have access to his/her victim than that can
take all the fun out of bullying. But in order for that to happen parents have
got to be on top of what apps and sites their kids are on in the first place.
Many parents stay way to hands-off with their kids phones and computers. Monitoring
a teen’s phone and computer use is a necessary evil. There may always be some
trash taking between teens, but when the line is crossed by threats and serious
emotional abuse, transcripts should be presented to school administrators.

7.How
should a parent talk to their child about sex, sexting, and dating?

With
understanding and honesty. Parents should really try to stay off the lecture
circuit. Telling teens how they should behave will fall mostly on deaf ears. Saying: “ I get you
are going to be interested in sex. I know I’ll have to get used to thinking
about you in this new way. I know you will be in situations that you have never
been in before with boys/girls. I also know kids talk to each other in very
sexy language, and I’m guessing that can be pretty fun, but it can also get you
into real trouble. Here are some of the things I do not want to see on your
phone or computer.” Parents should say all those “dirty” words they do not want
on their kids phone. Saying “inappropriate language” just won’t cut it. Kids
need to hear what “suck my dick” sounds like out loud!.

8.What
can a parent do to keep the lines of communication flowing with their teenager,
to ensure honesty, openness, and forthrightness?

The biggest
barriers to open communication are words that criticize and judge. For example
when parents see their teen wasting time online and texting when they are
supposed to be doing their homework, they are more likely to say: “Stop being
so lazy, and get off that damn phone.” Rather than: “ I get how important your
friends are to you, and how important it is for you to check in with them, but
homework is important too, and we need to find a strategy that gives you time
for both.” Now, instead of teens feeling like they have a character flaw, which
pushes them into arguing and defense mode, they can work on solving a problem.

9.How
can parents keep their kids focused on excelling in school and preparing for
college?

Contrary to what
most parents think, it is not to focus on the grades. Sometimes parents set up unrealistic
expectations about the grades they expect from their teens. Starting in middle
school parents start saying: “if you want to get into a good college, you
better start working hard now.” Talk about getting on the worry train too
early. Anxiety inhibits learning. Instead parents should focus on the learning
part of school, not the report card. When parents engage with their teen about
what they are learning, by
reading the same books, and sharing insights; or engage in discussions about
subjects their kids are studying; the message given is that being a curious
learner is what is valued not the grade. Good grades will happen naturally when
the process of learning is valued. And of course provide structure and get them
off their phones for 2 hours every night, even if they have no homework!

10.Some
teens just give off a lousy attitude – defiance, laziness, entitlement – what
can a parent do to combat this?

Teens give off
that attitude because they could care less about the things that most parents
think are important. Teenagers are by nature narcissistic…just temporarily
thank god! Friends are #1, chores, cleaning their room, laundry, those don’t
even make the list. Every request from a parent to a teen then becomes a power
struggle. My best advice is to stop yelling and badgering. When there is a
demand from a teen a parent can say: “Is there a question in there?” Or if a
teen needs a ride and a chore isn’t done: “I’d be happy to drive you to X’s
house, let me know when you’ve emptied the dishwasher and we will be on our
way. Attitude should not beget attitude!

PS: If you have my book and are finding it useful, please consider writing a review on Amazon. I would be so appreciative!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Does this remind you of anybody you know? Parents love to be the problem solvers for their teens. It gives them a feeling of being needed at a time when it feels like the parenting job is being phased out. But then comes that moment when it seems like your teen really really wants you to tell them what to do, and you jump at the opportunity. Unfortunately unless what you want them to do, is something that they want to do, this golden opportunity becomes just another argument to win or lose. Your teen kinda wants your help, but at the same time they want to feel like they can figure it out for themselves. What they don't really need is a problem solver, but a problem facilitator.

Rather than going for the "here's what I think you should do." Go for the "so what do you think you should do!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Frank Bruni, an op.ed columnist from the New York Times, wrote a column today about the change in how much teens read: Full article below.

"a new report by Common Sense Media came out. It showed that 30 years ago, only 8 percent of 13-year-olds and 9 percent of 17-year-olds said that they “hardly ever” or never read for pleasure. Today, 22 percent of 13-year-olds and 27 percent of 17-year-olds say that. Fewer than 20 percent of 17-year-olds now read for pleasure “almost every day.” Back in 1984, 31 percent did. What a marked and depressing change."
I don't know about you, but when I was a teen, I loved getting into bed with my book and my flashlight (which by the way I still use when I read before bed) and reading until I fell asleep. I have wonderful sweet memories of my daughter and I (as a teen) snuggling up on the couch, each with our books, and spending the afternoon engrossed in our own worlds.

Given the choice between snuggling up to an Iphone/Ipad or a book, I'm afraid is no contest. Telling your teen they should read more won't work either. But setting aside tech free nights for family reading time might. Do your teens see you sprawled on the couch or on your bed knee deep in a good book. Maybe you're engrossed in loads of laundry, and food prep for the masses, or finishing up a project for work, and just don't give yourself that permission to throw caution and laundry to the wind and sit in the living room with your feet up, your reading glasses tottering on your nose to read a good yarn.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Sometime ago I watched a tribute show that 60 minutes did on Mike Wallace. It was a fascinating profile of what was behind this very driven and enormously accomplished journalist. Turns out it was acne during puberty. Who woulda thunk? In an interview that Mike Wallace gave to a young college journalist a few years back, he confessed to this young man that as a teen he had terrible acne. He never felt attractive enough or good enough, and to counter those feelings he set incredibly high goals for himself, proving that despite what he saw as an enormous flaw, (his acne) that he would and could overcome this. In the therapy biz we call that reaction formation, which means countering one set of feelings with the exact opposite. In Mike Wallace's case, " I feel ugly and a loser, therefore I will become successful and desirable.

If only all teens could turn what they perceive as their deficits into their motivators. Puberty can be devastatingly awful. It is a cruel twist of fate that just as a person is at the height of self-consciousness, their body turns on them. Perhaps your teen also has bad acne, or maybe your daughter is completely flat-chested or maybe buxom. Maybe your son is the shortest in his class, or maybe as a 5th grader he is the tallest and has facial hair to boot. Whatever it is, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you, it is a hugely big deal to them.

David Elkind, the author of All Grown Up And No Place To Go calls this "the lightening rod." I'm sure you had your own cross to bear when you think about yourself and your body during puberty. The problem for parents is that the way this plays out for your teen isn't always that obvious. They may not be walking around the house saying " I hate this or I hate that about my body." But what you get instead is the 2 minutes before they leave for school meltdown. " I have nothing to wear, you never buy me any clothes, I told you those jeans make me look fat, why did you let me buy them blues!

And because their ride is sitting in front of the house, or the bus is at the bus stop, you have your own meltdown, screaming at them that "they are ungrateful spoiled brats, having just spent $200 on clothes, or the dermatologist or you just did their laundry, if you would just put it all away" blues of your own! The truth of it is, it isn't about the jeans. It's that for some reason that morning they looked in the mirror and someone looked back that made them feel ill. It is really that simple. If you pay attention to their tantrum you will miss the real story.

So the next morning your teen throws a tantrum before school, or before a school dance or before they leave the house on a Friday night to hang out with friends, and you become the scapegoat for all that is wrong with their bodies, rather than getting sucked down the dark hole, just give them a hug, and say: 'I get your not feeling good about how you look tonight, is there anything I can do to help. " It won't make the acne go away, or the boobs shrink, or make them 6 feet tall, but at least someone "gets" that life just sucks sometime!

And please do not joke, tease or otherwise make fun of your daughter's flat chest, giant boobs, or unusually short or tall stature, or your son's tall or short stature, or lack of muscles, or big feet, or early facial hair, and tell Uncle Harry the same thing!

PS. If you live in Massachusetts, I am doing a book reading on May 14th at Buttonwood Books in Cohasset, and at Wellesley Books on May 16th both at 7 pm. Come have a glass of wine with me! Or tell your friends to!! Available on Amazon and at bookstores everywhere!!!! If you have read it please share your thoughts with an Amazon review. I would be so grateful.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Hello.....Anyone Home???? How often has this happened in your house.Talking about being tuned out. With the distraction of the teenage brain and all that is going on inside of it, to the distraction of their smartphone and all that is going on in front of them, your voice is on mute button even when you yell your loudest. The solution and key to lower frustration, you might need to stand in front of them and make your request live and in-person or send them text, that ought to get their attention! And remember, you are unavailable to give rides, money, shop, buy until the reverse the mute button!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Today's installment is the "just right" parent. Just like in Goldilocks And The Three Bears, we have the parent who is too "hot", the authoritarian parent, the too "cold" parent, the permissive one, and now we have the "just right" parent the authoritative one. This parent gets that their teen is becoming their own person. This parent understands that the goal of parenting a teen is to gradually, over the 6 years of teendom( ages 12-18), first to share control and then finally to cede control over the lives of the teen as they leave the nest. The teen years are a training ground for adulthood. Learning to make safe and healthy decisions about relationships, life's temptations, education and career take practice. Practice makes perfect. An authoritative parent understands that part of practice includes making mistakes. An authoritative parent understands that their kids are not supposed to be mirror images of themselves. They get that their teen has a unique personality and temperament that needs to be respected, supported and nurtured, even if that means adjusting their own expectations of who they hoped this growing child would become.

An authoritative parent understands that a teen still needs structure in their life to be successful, but rather than imposing one, works with their teen to develop one together. Understanding that getting a teen to "buy in" and take ownership of rules and expectations means you have to include them in the planning and implementation of them. This takes time, and I know, it is so much easier to just say nothing as with the permissive parent, or just do it for them, as with the authoritarian parent. Keeping the ultimate goal in mind really helps. All parents want their kids to be successful adults. If we overprotect or under protect our kids, they will be dependent on us for life. And by the way, you are going to want them to be able to take care of you someday, so you better get crackin!

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

In today's episode of Understanding Your Parenting Style, we look at the permissive parent. In this style of parenting we might hear things like: "no problem, okay, see you whenever, sure, have fun, love you."This all sounds so nice, so loving, so calm, where's the problem in that? Here is the problem, the teen in this situation is not required to think, to assess, to plan, to be responsible to anyone but him/herself. Adolescence by nature and definition is all about self-centeredness. We know that a certain amount of this self-centeredness is natural and normal, but if we add to it, by not presenting alternative perspectives we create narcissistic adults, as in "I want what I want when I want it!" More importantly these teens are often engaged in dangerous and risky behavior because they live in a world with no boundaries. Expectations from parents may be inconsistent or non-existent. For example I often work with parents when their teen's behavior has become out of control. In many of these families there are high expectations when it comes to academic performance by no expectations around behavior. So kids "get" that if they do well in school, the rest of their life will be free from restraint. It is an unspoken quid pro quo.

Here is what I think contributes to parent permissiveness. Many of us hate hate hate conflict. We will go to any extreme to avoid argument and disagreement. So rather than say "no" or "we need to discuss this" or "I need to hear your plan before I make a decision" this parent goes right to the sure, love you place. Parenting an adolescence requires conflict, welcomes conflict, and invites conflict. This is how we make our teens use their new developing brain to learn how to make decisions. We disagree, we argue, we force them to think, to weigh options, to plan and to decide. So if you are uncomfortable with conflict, learn to wallow in. The worst that can happen is that your teen might momentarily hate you. But they' will get over it, and when they become young adults will thank you for helping them to become thoughtful and responsible people.

Additionally the conflict-avoiders also to to be the kinds of parents who want their teens and their teens friends to think of them as the cool parents. They want their kids to want to hang out with them, and to use their house as "the house". This often means turning a blind eye to situations that other parents aren't comfortable with like "sex, drugs and rock and roll." The permissive parent's house tends to become the "safe house" for their kids and kid's friends. Let me just say that you can still have a great relationship with your kid and kid's friends without being an enabler. Your primary job is to be the bouncer not the party host, and I mean that both literally and figuratively.

Another contributing factor in permissive parenting is allowing our own needs and wants to take priority. I have a very vivid memory of being out to a lovely restaurant with my husband. We were seated next to a group that consisted of two couples and their collective four children. The couples were enjoying their cocktails and conversation with each other leaving their young kids to fend for themselves. The kids, bored at this fancy restaurant entertained themselves by kicking our booth, and throwing over napkins and food. The parents were oblivious to it all until management changed our table, and my wonderful husband gave them "a little feedback on parenting." Though this story is about younger children, fast-forward to this family 5 years later. Parents still have a busy work and social life, and are excited now that their kids are teens they can leave them to their own devices, no babysitters needed. These teens are often left unsupervised for evenings, maybe even weekends while parents attend to whatever it is they want or need to do. Without sounding preachy here, OK I am preaching here, parenting does require sacrifice. So many parents I know spend most weekend nights babysitting their home, not their kids. They "get" that though their kids don't need babysitters anymore, their house does. Leaving an empty house is a public invitation to party. Also when you are available to your kids, it makes them feel secure that if they need you, they can have you. Teens need to feel that they are still your first priority, and that you are always looking out for their safety and well-being.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

I thought for the next three blogs, I would do a primer on the three major parenting styles, kind of like those quizzes you can take in magazines. Rate your marriage or your sex life, or are you a half -full or half-empty kind of person? You know the ones where you get a "1" for the answers that make you sound the most sane, and a "5" for the ones that make you sound crazy. I don't know why but I love those quizzes. I think because I am always looking for ways to evaluate how I am doing in life. Am I OK? yes! phew!! Or, oh god, is it really that bad, oy vey!

Understanding your parenting style might help you to understand your relationship with your teen. Parenting a teen is not the same as parenting a younger child. It requires a different set of skills: an ability to be flexible, but not too flexible; understanding, but not a push-over; willing to take a stand and set limits, but not like a marine sergeant. Let's see how you roll.

Lets start with the "authoritarian" parenting style. You might hear things from this parent like the old favorite: "it's my way or the highway", or "my house, my rules", and lets not forget, "if you don't like it, then get out." Clearly this is a parent who likes to be in control. When you are this type of parent and you have young children it works well. Young children love rules and structure. They love to please mommy and daddy, and are all around lovely little beings to have around. The problem occurs in adolescence when your teen is not so motivated to please and follow your rules. Since they are biologically driven to start to fend for themselves, being told the what, when and how to do things goes against the natural order of the developing teen.

If you have parented this way in the past, you will have a rude awakening. Things can go badly in two possible ways. First, if your teen is somewhat passive, quiet in nature, or has a really good understanding that you need to be control, they will tend to yes you to death, looking like the pleasing child they have always been, and fly under your radar by excessively lying. Rather then incurring your wrath they will try to avoid it. They learn some valuable lessons here in manipulation. They learn just how to play you so that you feel the illusion of being in control, but basically have figured out to do exactly what they want to do, just behind your back. The worry here is that your teen never comes to you for help because they anticipate that you won't really want to listen. The danger is that they could be in an unsafe situation and rather than come to you will risk themselves rather than risk getting in trouble with you. Not a great gamble.

The second scenario with the authoritarian style of parenting occurs if you have a teen who is feisty in nature. Now that they are bigger, and they think smarter than you, they will fight you every step of the way, which often becomes all out warfare. "You can't make me, and you aren't the boss of me" are daily mantras. In this situation, you have run out of ideas. You have taken away everything you can, phone, computer, car. You have grounded them for months at a time, but rather than taming the beast that has become your teen, it has enraged him/her, like King Kong being assaulted by all those airplanes. The danger here is that your teen now has nothing left to lose, the relationship is damaged. In this situation, the teen is feeling their power. Their ability to challenge your authority, and drive you completely insane is intoxicating. The balance of power in your relationship has shifted, and they are loving it.

Give yourself a 5 if this is your style of parenting. Stay tuned tomorrow for part 2: ThePermissive Parent.

About Me

With over 30 years working with parents and kids, I think I have seen and heard just about everything. Surprise me, I always like a challenge and a good parenting story. I hope that with a little humor and understanding I can educate and share with you a new perspective.
My book: I Get It: Three Magic Words for Parents of Teens is available at my website: www.joanigeltman.com