Friday 23 December 2016 06.36 EST
First published on Friday 23 December 2016 03.00 EST

When your family get together at Christmas, do you find yourself feeling as though you are re-experiencing childhood dramas? Do you feel you’re taking on a role, reverting to Christmas past? You may even feel as though you are reading from an invisible script and repeating interactions with family members that leave you feeling frustrated and angry.

We may consider ourselves to be autonomous adults who have carved out our own independent lives. But when the holidays loom, many find themselves dreading predictably damaging and repetitious scenarios with family. These unnerving interactions often include put-downs, competitiveness, control freakery and passive aggression.

Lots of us have a family member whom we find particularly goading and who pushes all the right buttons to zone right in on our most vulnerable responses. Although we promise ourselves (and others) that this year we will be different and we will not become entangled in an argument we cannot win, we still find ourselves drawn into the same old scenarios with the usual suspects, and responding to them in familiar, ineffective ways.

Christmas can be a time when we find ourselves particularly locked in a role that we thought we had discarded long ago. In my case, I grew up in a family in which “emotional perfectionism” – being upbeat and positive – was obligatory and served as an effective camouflage to distract from our father’s severe winter depressions.

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If this sounds familiar, sit down and write out an example of a scenario that you experienced last year, noting what the situation was, what your family member said and how you responded. Then note how this made you feel. You may find this exercise surprisingly easy because the same scenarios tend to have been repeated since childhood. That is because we know our script, and that of our relatives, all too well.

How can we change these scripts, without upsetting others? Re-writing can be extremely helpful, and can turn a challenging get-together into a much more enjoyable one. Yet we often hold ourselves back because we feel that certain behaviour is expected of us by others. We don’t want to rock the boat at a big family occasion. But often our worries about this are exaggerated, and you may find that, by making a few changes in your personal script, you can experience a greater sense of control over these upsetting encounters. The following tips might help:

Be prepared

If your family member always pushes your buttons about your health, your life choices or your children, consider alternative ways of responding, and mentally rehearse your new lines of response before your relative arrives.

Enlist support

Another person will probably have witnessed these scenarios many times, and the distress that they cause you. Discuss your concerns about the upcoming holiday, and see if they have ideas or solutions that might be helpful. They could even keep an eye out during the holidays to make sure you feel supported when you are trying out new ways of dealing with troublesome family.

Plan your escape

Remember that you don’t have to tolerate abuse or belittling comments from family members. Just because they’ve succeeded in making you feel bad for decades doesn’t mean this pattern has to continue forever. Try not to rise to their bait. Leave the room and get some fresh air if you are feeling trapped by them.

Feel your anxiety, then control it

Our adrenaline can build up when we are dreading these encounters and can often cause us to shake, or waver in our resolve to handle things differently. Start practising controlled breathing and mindfulness exercises before the guests arrive, and talk to yourself like a supportive coach. Thinking “I can handle this” is much more helpful than a constant cycle of worry and “Oh no, here we go again …”

Holidays are stressful enough without finding ourselves caught in the trap of replicating outdated family dynamics and negative interactions. A bit of preparation, self-calming, and alternative strategies are a way of rescuing yourself from tedious, but undermining, family roles.