Gabrielle's therapy thoughts

After a busy week I let to relax on Sunday's. One of the ways I relax is by reading. This weekend I plan to catch up on my Psychology Today articles and get started on (re)reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If you're struggling with your partner, there are are very useful tips in this book. In addition to working with families, I also provide couples counseling and use the skills presented in this book in my couples counseling. #therapy #gabriellefreiretherapy

I have worked with a lot of families and I know that communicating isn't always easy, and if you're angry, forget about it, communication skills often go out the window. We know that words are powerful, and I know that when someone is angry or irritated they may not practice the best communication skills, so here are a few things to review:

Use “I” statements: “I feel________ when you _________” is a non- blaming statement. It may help you communicate your feelings and hopefully the person you are speaking to sees that his/her behavior does affect you.

For example: “I feel upset when I hear loud drumming when I am trying to sleep;” or “I get very concerned for your safety when I am expecting you home, and you don’t arrive until much later.”

Don’t interrupt someone else when they are speaking….let them finish their statement. You can also ask your partner to not interrupt you when you are speaking.

Avoid words like “never” or “always”. Those types of words are what we call, Universal Qualifiers and when someone says them it sounds absolute, like it truly never happens or it truly always does happen. For example, “You never do anything romantic with me” is probably going to trigger your partner to defend themselves (thus fueling the disagreement). Try to give examples of when they did the behavior that you don’t like (or that is hurtful) rather than using words like Never or Always (since that may not be technically true).

If you are seeing the conversation getting heated, take a time out and suggest to your partner that you will revisit the conversation later that day or even the next day (when you are both calm and can focus on the underlying issue that triggered the disagreement/argument).

Being a parent isn't easy and I'm sure you feel the crunch for time now that your child has returned to school. You may noticed a change with their behavior since returning to school, perhaps they aren't sleeping through the night, or their eating habits have changed (either increasing or decreasing). If you have noticed a change it may be time to connect with them emotionally and give them the space to talk about what they are feeling. Here are a few things to consider when you are talking to your child about their feelings:

Children are entitled to their feelings, just like an adult

You may want to find an appropriate time to bring up the topic of feelings (ie, the drive home from school may not be the best time if the child had a hard day at school)

Parents or other caregivers should listen to the child when they talk about their feelings, (no interruptions while the child is talking).

You can support your child while they work through their feelings by summarizing what you hear them say, for example a statement as simple as, "That sounds annoying" shows support as your child figures out what they want to do.

When I work with a child in therapy, I rehearse communication skills with the child, I validate his or her feelings and work with the parent(s) to increase the parent-child communication.