} Ho, where the fucking plank road is,} Yo, ho, blow the squid down} There my fucking escape from the muck is,} Yo, ho, the squid's gone to town.} There will go tramp I all shoeless and bootless} Yo, ho, blow the squid down} And so ye shall find me all stark and computeless,} Yo, ho, the squid's made me drown.} And there will you catch me five crayons and bad tidings,} Yo, ho, blow the squid down,} And we will all eat them with blackings and whitings,} Yo, sir, keep your squid off my gown!

} My! Aren't we an eager one!}} Well I must say that you were very good this year.}} However, the records dept. has brought something to my} attantion. The following is an excerpt from the} official Records Of Human Existance.}} May 21, 1989} 3:34 pm}} Subject #RNH1245EX4711Z (That is you.) was driving} an auto, and blew the auto's horn to acknowledge} a friend passing in the other direction. This noise} disturbed the white poodle Bitzy, belonging to} Subject #FHR2365RT3873H (Mrs. Elenore Jenkins),} when the dog was in the act of excretion. Let the} record show that the Bitzy was never again able} to go out side, let alone take a crap. The dog} died nine days later.}} As you can see, there may be some difficuly in sending you} a net.goddess for Christmas. But I'll try to pull some strings} for you since you said please, and I despise poodles.

> Why are people constantly putting up messages saying:'Kill the Oracle!'> Did you rape someone?Pillage a village?Rob a bank?Why do these angry> mobs want you dead?Why?WHY?!?!?!Tell me!!You're hiding something from> us,aren't you!?!?!?!?

} Oh questor of periphery knowledge:}} Ever read Greek plays? Remember Cassandra? She could tell the future,} but no one would listen to her and eventually killed her.} I would like to say that this is why I am hated, but, alas, such is not} the case.} The truth is this...} Deep in the unprobed subconscious of every child is the knowledge that} I, The Oracle, am responsible for ever one of those Malted Milk Balls} (Whoppers too) that have nothing in the middle but air.} It is this secret knowledge that all children have that surfaces at the} name of the oracle, and while they don't know why, they find hatred} within themselves.} Why do I sabotage innocent Malt Balls?} Well, now that's another story...}} In confession,} The Oracle.

} A fascinating question. I asked Ken Thompson, who is Lisa's current} love slave, and he related the following story:}} He and Dennis were hacking away at the password code one night when a} drunken, misguided college student staggered into the terminal room and} said, "Dudes! Where's the party?" Ken, who thought he'd heard "Where's} the parity", handed over his last parity bit, which happened to be the} one for the "p" in "password". (It was naturally in lower case.) This} changed it to a "P", and the rest is history.}} You owe the oracle a more interesting question. Oh, and a beer. I just} had four boxes of chips (80386's), and they were SALTY.

> Is it true that sometimes, late a night, Brian Kernighan, Dennis Ritche,> Ken Thompson, and all those other guys, get together over a few beers> and make sarcastic comments like "Unix? Yeah, I guessss it's a good> idea Dennis!" and generally sit around being incredibly smug about this> whole Unix/C thing?

} Yes, but the smug remarks are just a cover. When they get home, they} work on the language D and the operating system Binix, which will make} them millionaires by the end of 1992. They're also hacking away at} Y-windows (1995) and Fmacs (1997).

> Why do I so often forget on which side of the building I've parked my> bike? In about 75 % of the cases, I go out through the wrong exit, and> have either to go back in and take the other exit (which feels> ridiculous) or to go around the entire physics department (which *is*> ridiculous).

} Fear not, and take comfort: it is because you are destined to be a} Great Scientist. Only the truly great ones are this forgetful. Bohr} frequently forgot who his wife was. Fermi used to fill his cup with hot} coffee in the morning and wonder how it had gotten so cold so quickly} when he remembered to take a sip in the afternoon. Gauss kept} forgetting how to have sex, and his wife had to show him again about one} time in three. Newton couldn't remember if he was heterosexual or} homosexual, and kept buggering Colin Maclaurin, finding each time that} he didn't really enjoy it very much and therefore must be straight.}} Forgetting about your bicycle indicates a talent high in the second rank} of scientists -- Nobel Prize caliber, if you're lucky. But actually you} will be one of the greats, because of that little problem you haven't} admitted -- you keep forgetting how to put on a condom.

> O great Oracle, last night I had to replace the cranks on my bicycle.> As you know, the left hand crank is held in place by a left-handed> screw. I couldn't find a matching left-hand screw so I used a> right-handed one instead. As I ride the bicycle now, will my left leg> fall off?