Choosing a Down Payment Over a Fancy Wedding

Carrie Graham, a minister from Austin, Tex., knew just how to spend the money her parents had saved for her wedding, and they agreed, so she bought a house.

Valerie Chiang for The New York Times

By ALYSON KRUEGER

August 30, 2017

Carrie Graham, a Protestant minister from Austin, Tex., was out for an afternoon stroll about four years ago when she passed a house under construction that she fell in love with instantly. It was in Mueller, her neighborhood, in the city’s northeastern section. She was renting a garage apartment there, and liked so much about the area: its community garden, farmers’ market and a pub within walking distance. She was attracted to the house because it had a front porch and an open layout that would allow her to hold gatherings for her congregation.

Ms. Graham, who is 35, knew back then that buying the home would be difficult on a minister’s salary, but she had learned that she qualified for an affordable housing program being offered by the builder. All she needed was a down payment.

She then remembered a conversation with her father as a teenager about a five-figure sum he was saving for her wedding. Because she had never been married and wasn’t discussing marriage with her boyfriend at the time, that money was just sitting in the bank unused. After Ms. Graham had a long talk with her parents, they decided to use the money for her down payment.

“I took it as a real gift, as something that was wise and a good use of my resources,” she said. “I thought I was about 10 years away from even approaching that type of purchase.”

Across the country, many singles who don’t know when, or if, they will ever marry are using money once earmarked for wedding dresses or caterers for other purposes. Some, like Ms. Graham, use these funds for a house; others take an extended trip or pay off college debt.

Often, there’s a significant amount of money at stake, considering how expensive weddings are these days. At the start of this year, the average cost of a wedding in the United States was $25,961, according to a survey by the Wedding Report, a research company based in Tucson.

Pahini Lampart, 30, of Baltimore, put the $150,000 her parents had saved for her wedding toward a condominium in Washington’s trendy U Street neighborhood. She made that decision about four years ago after watching her older sister plan a lavish affair lasting several days in Atlantic City.

“She was amazing at planning her whole wedding, but that’s my sister,” said Ms. Lampart, a strategic operations manager for a nonprofit organization. “The idea of me having to do that was, ‘Oh, my God, no.’ I would hyperventilate at the thought of it.”

Ms. Graham says she’s still open to the possibility of getting married. “Buying the home wasn’t me saying, ‘I’m never going to get married or I am going to get married,’” she said. “My own home had way more than equity benefits. It was a real gift to have a home in an extremely desirable neighborhood in a city that I love. It’s brought me a lot of joy.”

Kimmie Greene, a consumer finance expert and spokeswoman for Mint, a financial planning website and app, said that for single women in their 30s, “It’s incredibly empowering to be smart with your money and do things for yourself and not just wait for the next milestone.”

But it’s not just singles who are diverting wedding money to other life goals. When Hannah Graham, 27, an assistant office manager from Thousand Oaks, Calif., got engaged last year, her parents revealed that they had $30,000 saved for her wedding. But even with that significant budget, she and her live-in fiancé, Jesse Davis 28, who runs a dog-grooming business, found that it likely wouldn’t be enough. “We looked at different venues and catering and it was adding up so quickly,” she said.

So the couple decided to fulfill another dream instead: visiting Italy. They booked a three-week trip last fall, traveled throughout the country, and included a stop in the medieval town of Montepulciano, where they were married. Their trip cost $15,000, and they put the other half of the wedding fund into a savings account.

“It was perfect, and I’m glad it went the way it went,” she said. “It was so stress-free, and we were able to not just use the money for one day.”

Jonny Marsh, 28, who works in public relations in the San Francisco area, and his wife, Alison Donzanti, 29, who works for a cybersecurity company, came to a similar conclusion about their honeymoon. Before they were married, in July 2014, they included a note in the invitations asking guests to contribute to a fund for a trip to Hawaii. But when it came down to planning it, they couldn’t bring themselves to spend that much money on one experience. The resort alone was going to cost around $4,000.

They opted for a cheaper honeymoon in Napa, Calif., and instead used the cash gifts toward the purchase of a 1,000-square-foot two-bedroom, two-bath townhouse in Foster City, Calif.

“We had just been given all of this money and it seemed slightly frivolous to spend it on one big holiday, which when you boil it down, that’s what a honeymoon is,” Mr. Marsh said. “Everyone thought we were very adult about it.”

Of course, parents may feel differently about the money they worked hard to save going to another purpose, said Ms. Greene, the personal finance expert. “You have to consult the stakeholders. What if your mom has been saving since you were 5 years old and has dreamed of a big wedding?”

Indeed, Ms. Graham’s mother, Lori Graham, had mixed feelings. “When Carrie decided she was going to buy a house with the funds instead of holding out for later, as a mom, I was sad — I wanted the wedding,” she said. But she noted that home values in her daughter’s neighborhood have risen sharply and “it’s been a good investment for her.”

For Kaustubh Pandya, Ms. Lampart’s father, it was easier to give his daughter the money for a condo because he already had an elaborate wedding for another daughter. “It was nice that we were able to afford such a lavish festivity for one child, but I know there are always better uses for money,” he said.

“Since I spent that money for one daughter,” he added, “it was important to me that I should put the same money on the side for the other.”

Ms. Lampart ended up meeting her husband, Matthew Lampart, a few days after closing on her condo. The couple had their wedding this past May at the Annapolis, Md., courthouse, followed by a lunch with immediate family. A few weeks later, Ms. Lampart had an open-bar party with friends.

“You don’t have to have 200 people to enjoy your wedding,” she said. “Yes, you will look at photos, but you can look at photos of a small wedding where you were able to spend time with the people you love.”

Others have also found a way to have it all. Ms. Graham, the minister, has already started saving for the small wedding that she still hopes to have one day. As for Mr. Marsh, he and his bride are finally going on a dream honeymoon to French Polynesia in October.

“We’ve got the house, we’re in a good position financially after knowing what the expenses are to owning a home and getting used to it, so we’re going,” he said. “It will be the honeymoon that never was.”