For My Eyes Only

I am a 27 year old woman with 2 kids. The jewelry I wear are the bruises my husband gives me.

He needs neither drugs nor alcohol to bless my body with his fist. His anger is a constant volcano. Luckily our kids never get hit. They only hear my wails and screams; they only see the waterfalls flooding out of my eyes. They only walk around the blood and hair decorating the floor. In the corner they weep silently in fear. I tell them that “I am ok”, “mommy is fine,” “go hide in your room when daddy is mad.”

Anyways, I gave up after the first year he abused me. Now I tip-toe around everything. I try to make everything perfect so he won’t beat me. I am in constant fear. I am too scared to tell anyone. What if he kills me? What will he do to the kids? I always make sure the table is set the way he likes it, that there is enough food for seconds, and that it’s not bland. At family parties I fake my smiles and force my laughter. If only they knew the prison I was living in. My family asks sometimes, “What’s wrong”? “You look tired”, and I usually respond “oh just had a tough day with the kids”. In my mind though, I am shaking the bars, I am screaming, HELP! HELP ME, FOR GODSAKES!

When I shower I sometimes weep. You wouldn’t know if it was the water pouring from the faucet or from my tear ducts. I think to myself, what happened to the man I married, the charming, loving, and romantic Casanova? He disappeared the day we moved in together and peeks out when people are around. Oh how I yearn for family members to sleep over because that’s the only time I am safe. His pride would never allow anyone to see him hit a woman. The second they pack their things and leave in the car,….agony. He reminds me of all the things I did wrong while they were visiting, and out of respect to them he didn’t want to argue. You should know what comes next.

When the bruises are so bad, I avoid seeing anyone. I wear thick glasses to cover the eye shadow he puts on me with his fists. I wear turtle-necks to disguise the art he paints on my neck.

I remember one day I got a new recipe from the food network that I was excited to try. I was sure he would like it after a hard day at the factory. I thought it might bring out his good side, and maybe, just maybe a compliment. I cooked, chopped, baked, and cleaned for hours; it was a complicated but delicious French dish. I just wanted to make dinner special that night. He came in and I rushed to him, gave him a kiss and a hug and told him he was going to love dinner. He sat down and I served him a plate. He said, “What the hell is this shit?” “Can’t you fucking make something normal?” He took the plate and shattered it against the wall behind me. He followed with, “That shit better be clean when I get back”. “I’m going to eat real food you useless bitch!” The only sounds that I could hear besides the sobs of my kids and mine were the sounds of a slammed door and shrieking tires.

These occurrences are a commonality for me. But that day, that one day, my soul withered away and died. It was the day that I gave up, the day I knew the purpose to my life; to be this man’s outlet for anger, to slave in the kitchen and laundry room; to lie there lifeless and in fear with my legs open so this man could release his poison in me; to hold in my tears while he thrusts and sweats on top of me. To think, that long ago I actually enjoyed the sex. It was intense and passionate. Now, I just beg that my swollen face and bruised body would make me so unattractive that he wouldn’t want to fuck me. I feel like I am getting raped by a stranger every time.

This is going to be my life except for the few moments of joy my kids give me. I accept my role in life; maybe it will change the day he dies, unless he kills me first of course. If it weren’t for my kids I would kill myself now. I would tie a noose around my neck, stand on a chair, cut my wrists vertically, and kick the chair over. It’s my babies who keep me strong, they need their momma, and it’s tough for them as it is. They are my solace, my escape, the light to the sun, and the clouds to the sky.

I sometimes dream of traveling the world, having different lovers, going on romantic getaways at exotic locations. I quickly stop myself from having such fantasies — it’s torture, and that life is not something I deserve. I‘m not worthy of such things. I’m just happy he doesn’t hit me hard enough to send me to the hospital. A bruise here and there, a bloody lip here and there, that’s all. I would be so embarrassed to go to the hospital.

Last night, I asked God to kill him. Not a painful death, something peaceful, I wouldn’t want him to feel so much pain as I do. He is the father of my children after all. I wouldn’t know what to do without him, he does provide for us. But, maybe that wasn’t the best thing to pray for? I just don’t want my kids to see this anymore. His death would be my only escape.

I am not his “honey” or his “baby”. I am HIS “useless thing”, HIS “bitch”, and HIS “slut”. I wish I could fast forward life and press play at my death. Maybe then I’ll know peace?

Help me.

I am a mother of two. I am 27 years old, and the jewelry I wear are the bruises my husband gives me.

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13 thoughts on “For My Eyes Only”

Very painful to read. I kept thinking, as I read it, “just TELL someone! CALL someone.” Then I realized — I never did that either, when it was happening to me. Still wonder why! It’s a very insidious relationship, and the woman often feels ashamed and powerless, even when it’s not her fault. Very well written. As a former battered spouse, I can tell you, you are right on!

Wow…this hit home a little, I had a friend who went through this, exactly to the T
She didn’t want help…although her eyes always told me something different.
I haven’t heard from her since she came to hide in my house and her husband found her. I was too young and naive then, but I’m glad you wrote this piece and raise awareness. Thanks Gino..amazing piece as usual.

I am in a relationship like that as well, only the violence is not as severe. I only get slapped occasionally, or dragged from room to room, or pushed or shoved sometimes, but it’s the verbal and mental and sexual abuse that keeps me in hell. In my situation, I met my boyfriend when I was a drug addict and occasionally prostituted myself. I had a job as a waitress, but my pill habit was so bad that sometimes on my days off, I had to sell myself in order to keep from withdrawling. I met him and that all changed. I cleaned up and even managed to enroll in college. The problem is, he treats me okay for a short period of time, but it’s conditional upon me constantly having sex, long, hard sessions of sex in every position over and over and over each and every day. If I am not into it for just one day, he goes off on me and it gets horrible. He says I’m just a whore and if I’m not fucking him I must be fucking someone. He tells me the only use for women is to suck his dick or fuck him. When I try to talk to him about my day or something that happened, he is pulling my shirt up and flapping my tits around, or pulling down my pants and flipping the loose skin on my belly up and down, all the while saying “yes, uh huh, ok, oh wait, were you talking to me? Sorry I wasn’t listening.” It’s humiliating. I don’t have friends, I don’t go out. I stay home and work on the phone. School starts in January and he doesn’t want to hear about it. I am afraid he is gonna screw this up for me because he doesn’t want to see me succeed. I think he got into a relationship with a whore, not to clean her up so she can get a life, but to keep her down so he can have a live-in whore. Because that’s what I feel like. I keep and immaculate home and garden. I make his bed, clean his house, cook all his meals, supply the food with my food stamps even. He gets up early for work but I am up first to make sure his coffee is ready when he gets up, and he tells me he doesn’t care about that, if I’m not fucking him enough then he doesn’t want any of that. Yet he demands it anyway. The worst part is the constant accusations that I am cheating. “Sucking some old man’s dick” as he likes to say. Just because i don’t want sex all day every day. I have no family, no way to support myself, and no wcar no way to survive on my own.
Unless I want to give up school and any hope of a future, and move into a shelter. I am not willing to do that. It’s sad, I know. But I’ve been to shelters before, and this is at least better than that….I think

It is very unfortunate that you have to deal with so much pain and suffering. It is great that you can write about it, that you are strong enough to let it out on pen and pad. That is the greatest step to moving forward. While I understand your financial reasons, I don’t think it justifies the suffering and abuse you get from him. THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY! ALWAYS! Remember, no matter how much he puts you down, all that matters is how YOU see yourself. Don’t let him decide how you feel about yourself. You cannot control external situations but you can control how you react INTERNALLY to EXTERNAL situations. First and foremost you need to see why you keep picking such abusive partners (according to your blog) and turn that decision around. I don’t know what your life is or was like, but you need to work on yourself, let all those skeletons out of the closet, get some counseling, and bring out all the darkness into the light. I am looking into some resources for you, if you haven’t already, just to give you an idea of what life would be like outside of that abusive relationship. No matter what he tells you, you are more than a physical outlet, you are not a whore, you are not useless, you are a human being, you are connected to all living things, and you have a purpose on this life, and that purpose is whatever you decide to make it. You are in control of the steering wheel, you just have to decide where you want to go.

Hello, first I’d like to say that I admire your bravery in breaking the silence as it takes a lot of courage to do so. But please remember that as an individual you are responsible for protecting yourself not his behavior. Not breaking a vicious cycle only allows more damage into your life. You’re not alone. There’s many people who can relate to you but are afraid to break the silence. You’re a courageous person. You have the strength, you are emotionally stronger than you think. There’s no peace in abuse, there’s life outside of abusive relationships. Please seek help. There’s many services that you’ll qualify for. I see you’re from Florida so I’ve listed a few below. There are many professionals and survivors that will support you. Stay strong, continue school, move forward, live a life without fear. I urge you to regain trust in yourself and do what’s best for you! You have a lot to offer in this world. Make a commitment to save yourself.

If he ever puts his hands on you, and makes you have sex when you don’t want to, or even verbally threatens you, than you NEED to call the police and follow through with prosecution. By having written legal documentation that shows you have been a victim of DV (Domestic Violence) it will be much easier for you to qualify for resources/services in your area. If you get out of the relationship there is no doubt you’ll need to get a restraining order because it sounds like the typical dominant aggressor of a dv relationship; you fall into all the categories of power and control over a victim. I’m not familiar with services in Florida but she can always call the National Hotline of DV here at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

I know how hard it is to take advise from people that A) you don’t know personally and B) that haven’t gone through what you’ve gone through but let me say that I care…although I don’t know you or have been in the same situation, and you CAN get out of this situation! And as Gino said you ARE a strong woman for reaching out even through this blog. It takes courage to take the stand you just did…and I understand that you’re in a very difficult situation to get out of but not impossible, you can do it! And you can have any future you choose to…only YOU can choose things for your life and for yourself. Gino is very right there is Always a another way. And your partner is wrong…you’re NOT a whore and don’t let him or anyone define who you or your worth. Nobody is better than you maybe different than you but not better…you have soooooo much to offer don’t let him dim your light. I’m getting info for you that may help you get out of this situation. And you will get out. If you need to talk to me E-mail me at frogygal@yahoo.com I’m here for you. Stay strong.

A friend of mine from up north, a brilliant eye doctor, used her practice to help domestic violence victims. So many times abusers strike their partners with a fist to the eye and in time, a visit to the eye doctor is necessary. Many times these abusers are used to controlling the exposure they allow their victims to have with other people. They don’t want to be found out. My friend, the brilliant doctor, said no to these bullies and did not let them into her exam rooms with the abused patients. She used her office as a safe haven and offered her patients information about available services dedicated to help them escape. She knew how to read the signs. She did this even though the medical system is strapped and doctors are encouraged to keep things impersonal (abuse requires therapy) and this speeds up the time spent per patient. Which of course cuts costs. She used her term as national president of the association of these eye doctors & surgeons to spread her message of specifically “how doctors can help their patients in need”. One human to another. A bold move. She has helped so many victims find the strength to break free. I love her and her ongoing work. This is a cause I want to contribute to. And I will. And I have a great movie reference: An Unfinished Life. A Robert Redford film, with Morgan Freeman and J-Lo. A sleeper film but powerful and well made. Totally worthy!

I will definitely check out that movie! Never heard of doctors doing that! What an amazing human being she is!! I would support that as well. Does she have an organization that we could all support financially or by word of mouth?

Hi There Lisa,Thanks you for your post, Collecting rent is one of those situations where I have to use some rules of thumb, some feeilng, some gut to try to figure out whether it’s time to go and do the eviction or do we try to work with the tenant and see if they can get caught up. Maybe it’s a temporary problem. We can do a weekly or monthly payment plan and maybe we can get them back on paying again.Cheers