English seller of exotic leather goods, bearbaiter; turned
into either a pedo-baptist, or Anabaptist preacher. Born 1596,
died 1680; he was a compatriot of Oliver Cromwell.

At the age of 27, in 1623, Barebone was admitted as a freeman
to the Leathersellers Company of London, and in 1634 as a liveryman.
While he attended to the stock and trade common to the broad
functional demands made on leather in his time, his substantial
property and comfort came from his successes in purveying assorted
harnesses and unexpected devices (to be worn by people of a particular
inclination) crafted of leather in the service of a certain aesthetic
founded in sensual and "unusual" erotic applications,
discussions of which were not included in genteel conversations.
As well, and by reason of experience gathered in the construction
of the recreational goods mentioned, Barebone began to produce
and offer stout harnesses for use in bearbaiting, and later,
for bullbaiting, considering these devices to answer extensions
of a similar base instinctual drive as that accommodated by his
somewhat less grotesque boudoir fripperies.

Barebone's success in quietly selling considerable quantities
of accouterments for private amusement in the bedchambers of
more adventuresome Londoners had a basis in copious research,
and not merely in the fortuitous offering of a timely product.
His reputation as a rake was well ordained, for he would not
for a moment consider recommending an exotic product for sensual
exploration which he himself had not tested exhaustively. While
he spent considerable time at it, perhaps this research actually
was most demanding of the strumpets on which he performed his
"design exercises" and "tests." Every conceivable
posture, presentation, restraint, compression, contortion, and
otherwise deviant distortion was attempted with variable success
and too often failure, with one exception. Which was, that Barebone
observed that courtesans plied a particular trade, and regardless
of the discomfort, or awkwardness of the often too-tight devices
he was laying on, he always demanded a consummation of the coupling
which the entire performance implied -- keeping, at all times,
a close watch on his expenditures vis-a-vis research and development.
More than once he injured himself in these exertions; the fate
of the trollops is not recorded.

Now, when mentioning that diversions of such a nature were
not within the purview of the more refined extensions of society,
one must take into account the measure of such things employed
in Barebone's world. Acceptable polite behavior was, more often
than not, defined by observation of the actions of the King and/or
Queen, whose unquestioned position at the pinnacle of society
held a certain sway. What was amusing to the King was amusing
to the court; what was delightful to the Queen was a joy to the
Ladies. Largely, it was a question of appearances and attainment,
not ethics or morals, which defined correct comportment; and
a respect for privacy -- feigned or real -- had one declare broad
ignorance, naturally implying innocence. Consequently, identifying
refined society was a highly subjective business, colored by
a host of considerations. How different from today...

In this swirling universe, Barebone, a slim fey figure gliding
through the shadows of the twilight to yet another silken rendezvous,
took account of his horizons, so conveniently measured for him
by the appetites of the cognoscenti, and saw broader potentials
in new appliances of bondage than from the polite offerings stemming
from his proclivity for modest dalliance. Why stop with the boudoir?
There were such merry other sports amusing the masses, as well
as the royalty and associated elevated circles, that, considering
these, grand visions grasped him firmly, giving rise to new avarice
-- the prospect of lucre of serious dimensions...

Bearbaiting already was a traditional popular entertainment
established for over a hundred years throughout England; the
exhibitions taking place usually on a Sunday after Church, in
theater-like arenas called bear gardens. In this festive atmosphere
large crowds of all classes would gather, bringing their lunches
and taking their seats to delight in the horrificly bloody spectacle
of a bear chained by the neck and/or leg to a heavy stake, there
to be harassed and eventually killed by being ripped to pieces
by mongrel dogs. From the time that Barebone was five years old
his family had attended these spectacles, and he loved them.

Keeping large groups of bears for this purpose, usually in
deep pits, or in chains, was a good business (as was demonstrated
by Barebone's grandfather, and one uncle.) In order to assure
that the bears would possess a suitably disagreeable temperament
-- thereby giving the customers a show worth their money -- they
were forced to lie on beds of thorns, were starved, whipped,
stoned, and in every other way abused extensively; it was effective,
and similar treatment (sometimes worse) was afforded the participating
dogs.

The amusement had been given an imprimatur of respectability
when, decades earlier, Queen Elizabeth I had often attended bear
baiting extravaganzas. On one such occasion special measures
were taken to assure a grand spectacle worthy of her Excellency's
kind attention and amusement. In 1575 (the year that Elizabeth
had gotten rid of that nuisance, Mary Queen of Scots) a grand
baiting was prepared for her Majesty; thirteen bears being provided,
which was something of an exorbitant record at the time.

Of this particular lavish brutality Robert Laneham (later
in that same year) wrote that is was "very pleasant to see,"
especially, he remarked, "the nimbleness and wait of the
dog to take his advantage." Laneham went on, saying that
the bear, tearing himself free of the dogs, and shaking his ripped
ears "with the blood and the slaver hanging about his physiognomy"
gave delightful amusement to Her Majesty, who was beside herself,
giggling like a school girl. This story was often repeated to
the young Barebone by his grandfather, as he sat upon the old
man's knee.

Consequently, it did not take long before many variations
of this popular activity were to be seen in every region of the
realm. One of the first to appear was bullbaiting, which had
a similar plot; the bull being chained to a stake so as to be
torn apart by dogs. Refinements immediately arose (in which Barebone's
uncle played some role) to enhance the entertainment value of
the process. At the start of the baiting, the bull's nose was
blown full of cayenne pepper as a means to arouse it further
beyond its already frenetic state. Specially trained dogs were
released one at a time, their purpose being to seize the tethered
bull's tender nose, over which it was already in a state of great
agitation and inclination to protect. The dog which successfully
latched onto this tender part was said to have pinned the bull.

Another highly popular variation used no dogs at all. In this
presentation, a bear's eyes were gouged out. As the terrified
beast stumbled about in the arena, six men would savagely whip
it (with bull whips), causing the confused animal to turn about
violently in all directions, not knowing the location of its
tormentors. This was seen to be especially hilarious, and an
extra price was charged for admission; it became one of Barebone's
favorites.

But later, and with a clear profit motive, into this well-established
circus of family entertainment stepped Praise-God Barebone, ripe
with ideas of his own for richer refinements as a product of
his clever leather harnesses and other theatrical devices. In
the first place, he reasoned, the existing methods could be improved
by replacing the simple and crude chains with sophisticated leather
tackle which could hold the bull's nose up, for example, or restrain
the bear from opening its jaw. His products began to flood the
amusement market, but this was not enough to satisfy an inventive
man like Barebone.

Not content to merely sell stout constraints for already existing
methodologies, Barebone created an entirely new version of the
baiting game, and it was an immediate success. He contrived a
complex harness which tied an ape to the back of a pony. The
pony was then chained to the usual stake and attacked by dogs.
A Spanish nobleman, Hernan Fuentes, found this spectacle to be
most entertaining, and wrote to Barebone, "to see the animal
kicking amongst the dogs, with the screaming of the ape, beholding
the curs hanging from the ears and neck of the pony, is highly
laughable. I most thoroughly enjoyed this exhilarating diversion."

Barebone added measurably to his financial resources, and
bought himself a house of substance and ostentation called "Lock
and Key," on Fleet Street, London. He began to cultivate
social connections which would situate him in a 'proper' position
in London as a product of his intellect and genial graces, not
merely by reason of his financial accomplishments. To this end
he entered into correspondence with such luminaries as were recommended
to him, seeking to expand his comprehension of the more ephemeral
and exalted human concerns, and thereby to cause a positive apprehension
of himself as a man of letters and superior moral attainment.

One problem was that Barebone, having been admitted to study
at Eton as a young man (there was considerable money in the hands
of that uncle), had failed Latin, causing his expulsion from
that illustrious private school; more significant as a social
setback than an educational one. But, Lincoln's Inn (another
'private establishment of study for young gentlemen') was more
inclined to notice the shine on the coins of his uncle, while
willing to feign lack of notice of his academic 'inattention'
as it concerned Latin. After all, there were always Greek and
French to study.

Barebone failed Greek and French, but went on to accomplish
that which has already been ascribed to him in spite of these
linguistic limitations.

With such credentials at his disposal, and in the mood to
elevate his position as is mentioned above, Barebone later boldly
sent an extensive inquiry to Benedict de Spinoza, in Amsterdam,
in August of 1641. Barebone wished to read, he indicated to Spinoza,
that noted philosopher's treatise on ethics -- with the thought
in mind, he indicated, of entering a discourse on the topic as
he had extensive opinions on these matters, especially.

Spinoza sent him The Ethics, in Latin.

In a generous mood one might ascribe Barebone's confusions
of Spinoza's ideas to his lack of opportunity (!) to develop
a complete understanding of the Latin language, but taking into
account his underlying aspiration to move in more genteel circles
in London society, that generosity would be ill spent on all
counts. It must be noted that one reason for this desire on Barebone's
part (entering higher social circles) had to do with his wife,
Bernardina. Pointedly stated, it had to do with his interest
in finding a 'quality' replacement for her.

She was a pleasant enough person by independent estimations;
he had met her at a tannery where she was stacking raw goat hides
in the hot noonday sun. Brushing the flies aside, there was a
fetching twinkle in her eyes, and if one could choke down the
smell, she was agreeable enough to caress; especially considering
the lingering coating of goat fat which soothed and lubricated
amorous adventures. At that point in his life -- his late twenties
-- Barebone preferred this form of comfort, and found no meaning
in the fact that she was his senior by a decade.

They married, and he remained loyal in his estimation, such
as it was. It was shortly after his marriage that Barebone became
heavily engaged in his product development phase, designing and
testing exotic leather constraining devices with the assistance
of courtesans, as has been aforementioned. This provided him
no cause to recognize any conflict: the leather business was
business; the comfort of his home life was private and separate
from the concerns of his mercantile aspirations. Besides, what
she didn't know couldn't hurt, and he did rather enjoy working
hard at research...

Now his successes overtook him, and his newfound interest
in status and appearances began to corrode the gloss he once
saw on this simple and reliable spouse. Her social graces were
not lacking, they were nonexistent. Plus, the trials of her longer
life, as well as her heroic appetite had reshaped her countenance
in a direction which Barebone no longer considered suitable to
his purposes as a man of respectable accomplishment and lofty
station.

Which brings us back to his analysis of Spinoza. With his
flawed comprehension of Latin put to the severest test, Barebone
feverishly inspected Spinoza's Ethics, discovering, at least,
that this was a work in which had been developed a broad deductive
system, having a basis in Spinoza's vision of all existence as
an enormous unity, as well as in his psychological insights of
profound solidity and depth. It was in the details that Barebone
became lost.

In Part One of the Ethics, in proposition 33, Spinoza states
(in correct translation), "Things could not have been brought
into being by God in any manner or in any order different from
that which has in fact obtained." Of course Spinoza meant
'things' to communicate those cardinal attributes of Nature which
he held God to have authored: fire, water, the wind, mountains,
creatures, etc. In his proof of this proposition, Spinoza explains
that had the nature of things been different in multiple examples,
or conditioned to behave in a different way from that which was
observed, then the nature of God, from whom all things flowed,
could be different relative to each distinct variation, allowing
for two or more gods at once, an absurdity by reason of his Proposition
14. This is an incomplete explanation of Spinoza, but never mind;
Barebone's was thinner still.

Estimating 'things' to encompass all that was to be seen,
including the works of men, was the fatal flaw in the shaky translation
with which Barebone struggled. In this understanding (which was
conveniently fatalistic in the service of Barebone's predilections),
erotic leather goods, bearbaiting, the employment of courtesans,
social climbing and all else existed inevitably and in the precisely
predetermined service of God. What a relief.

At this same time as all the rest of his above mentioned activities,
and imagining no conflict in it now that he 'understood' such
an unassailable moral authority as Spinoza, Barebone decided
to spread the word of his new convictions and became a secular
minister to a congregation of the faithful which he invited to
assemble at his home. Here was an opportunity to establish a
place for himself above the simple concerns of his wife and other
disagreeable details of his life's progress.

His preaching was rousing and fiery, and drew large and growing
audiences, which soon spilled out onto the streets for lack of
room in the house. The one principle difficulty with the sermons
of Barebone was that while they stirred up considerable enthusiasm,
as well as fervor, there was at the same time a prevalent confusion
about just what he had said or meant. As a result, frequent riots
broke out among the worshipers as they professed their understanding
of his words with their fists. On December 19, 1641, a mob attacked
his house, fired by the vehement belief that he had offended
their heart-felt sensibilities toward some article of faith.
The ensuing report explained that one man was kicked "as
if they meant to beate him into a jelly." None of this is
surprising considering the depth of intellectual investment employed
by Barebone in the formation of his principles.

The principles of religion for which Barebone stood have never
been determined, and in fact the schools of thought which exist
have him either an Anabaptist (one who believes that baptism
should not take place until adulthood, when a reasoned decision
on the matter can be made by an informed consenting individual),
or that he was a pedo-baptist (the complete opposite, which supports
the idea that baptism should take place immediately on a newborn
infant, in order to wash away the stain of Original Sin.) Taking
into account the nature of Barebone's faith, he probably supported
both points of view as each opportunity arose. At least in these
actions he was broadly tolerant in an age of controversy and
acrimonious debate.

By reason of their various outrageous indulgences and self-interested
autocratic proclamations and worse, the Stuart kings and queens
had fallen into disfavor, and control of the British Isles fell
into the hands of Oliver Cromwell by the middle of the 17th century
. In his attempts to form a functional and rational government,
Cromwell caused a parliament to be formed on July 4, 1653, in
London. Cromwell asked Barebone to sit in the assembly as the
member for the city of London by reason of his prominent wealth
and reputation as a 'moral authority.'

This first Cromwell parliament became known as the "Barebone's
Parliament" in honor of our man, in spite of the fact that
although he was widely known as an engaging and impassioned orator,
apparently he never participated in any debate during that parliament,
and resigned from it the following December.

He did, nonetheless, become impassioned in his opposition
to the restoration of the Stuarts, and authored a petition deprecating
any reconciliation with them. His most vigorous action in this
regard was his sponsorship and circulation of Marchamont Needham's
pamphlet "News From Brussels in a Letter From a Near Attendant
on His Majesty's Person...," which luridly described "unfavourable
anecdotes relating to Charles II's morals." His efforts
failed, and the Restoration occurred in May of 1660.

It seems that the most damning evidence illustrating the immoral
actions of Charles II concerned the revelation that he was accidentally
discovered in an inappropriate bedchamber with the Duchess of
Savoy, where he was in the act of confining her with an exotic
leather harness which he had obtained in London some years earlier
from an unnamed purveyor of such goods; a man who arrived silently
from the shadows of the night...

For his noble deeds, Praise-God Barebone remains in the history
books over three hundred years after his death.