Sunday, 4 January 2015

SWEARING: Fun For All The Family

If you hadn't guessed, I really
like swearing. I love to swear. Unlike many, many people who do it a lot, I'm
very good at it. Just the other evening, in fact, a young man complimented me
on my ability to deliver the word 'C**t'1with the necessary verve
to do it well2. I thank you, young man. And, speaking of small boys,
my pre-teen son pointed out to me yesterday that I had taught him all the
swearwords he knows3. This is true. He also pointed out that I had
done so at bedtime, usually after we’d finished reading the daily portion of
Narnia.

Fun and Educational

Well? What better way to learn
them? We sit together giggling like fools and rolling lovely short vowels
around in our mouths. Short vowels; chopped consonants. There is poetry in
swearing, and therein lies its pleasure. Ok, he has heard me say them in anger,
and I regret that; he chastises me for it. But he fully understands the
difference between a well-placed profanity for humorous effect, and a diatribe
of obscenities spouting from pure ignorance. Fuck me, the lad’s a sharp one4.

Here comes the point: there is
poetry in swearing, and that is why it is pleasing to the ear. Here are some
examples of my reasoning (I should point out at this stage, I feel, that I have
conducted no research into my theories; I have consulted no Learned Linguists, nor
have I pored over peer-reviewed papers; I haven’t even typed ‘nob’ into Wiki or
Google. ’Sjust wot I fink. So there. I’m the fucking Pope):

SOMETIMES ONLY A SHORT VOWEL WILL
DO. We know that Fuck, Piss, and Shit have their origins in Anglo-Saxon times.
I don’t know if Anglo-Saxons shouted those words when they hit their thumbs
with hammers, but the native tongue seems to require a short, punchy sound when
such a thing happens. So knock yourself out. Latin and French aren’t going to
do the job. And besides, ‘C**t’ was good enough for Chaucer.

Fun and Educational

POETRY PLEASE “Assonance means
getting the rhyme wrong.”5No, but ‘swan’ and ‘stone’ is a bad
example. Assonance (the rhyming of the vowels but not the consonants) is
immensely pleasing to the ear. I’d give you some other examples, but I can’t be
arsed to come up with any – it’s late. But so often the rhyming vowels, the echoed
syllable, form part of the pleasure in saying words like ‘motherfucker’; ‘bellend’;
and ‘bollocks’ – which is particularly lovely as one’s tongue has to roll round
that delightfully onomatopoeic -ollo- combination in the middle. It even
resembles the male genitalia when written down. It’s an absolute gift.

Furthermore, the proof of this
theory lies in the propensity for creative compound swearing. Admittedly we
have moved on from the tame and tabloidesque ‘studmuffin’, but who hasn’t laughed immoderately
when a much-esteemed social media acquaintance accuses one of ‘cockwombling
fuckmuffery’? The little scamps.

SEXIST? MOI? There are numerous
objections to the use of references to the female genitalia in pejorative
terms. Again, that’s not an argument I wish to go into. However, whilst no-one
is in doubt of one’s meaning when one refers to another as a ‘twat’, one may be
equally sure that, had one said ‘prick’, ‘dickhead’, ‘cock’ or ‘nobstick’, no
compliment was intended either.

Nobstick. See, that’s funny.

Fun and Educational

I FUCKING LOVE FOOTNOTES

1
There is no hypocrisy in the asterisks. 'C**t' tops the official Ofcom
list of words found offensive by the British public6, and though I
use it, I don't do so on stage or social media. I don't intend to cause
offence, believe it or not. I know where to draw the line. Sort of

2‘Pussy’ is another one. Very few can say that word at all. They’re so afraid of
it that it comes out as ‘Pissy’. For fuck’s sake, People. If you’re that afraid
of it, don’t even try

3Within reason. I’m a Lady. He’s got plenty more to learn yet

4He has never, ever sworn in anger, in my hearing. What he says with his peers
is his business. He keeps it out of the house