26-year-old Reliford Cooper made a series of very poor decisions this past Wednesday night in Sarasota, Florida. Cooper’s trouble with the law started when Manatee County police attempted to pull him over after they observed him speeding. Cooper lead police on a high-speed chase, lost control of his car, drove into two ditches, and finally came to a stop after crashing into a house. Instead of calling it quits and surrendering to authorities, Cooper tried to flee on foot. The police found him in the bathroom of a nearby church, and that’s when Cooper dropped some truly batshit quotes. From WFTS Tampa Bay:

While applying handcuffs, officials said, Cooper made spontaneous remarks like, “I wasn’t driving that car.” He asked, “Who was chasing me? You’re slow as ****!” The deputy smelled a strong odor of alcohol and marijuana. Cooper then said, “My dog was driving that car. I ran because I wanted to. You ain’t gonna find no drugs or guns on me.” Then Cooper started throwing up and claimed he had a back injury. He was taken to Manatee Memorial and later transported to jail.

Your dog was driving the car? That’s the best you could come up with? There wasn’t even a dog in the car! This makes the old “my dog ate my homework” line sound like a genius excuse. What a reckless moron. I guess Cooper’s dog also loves a few joints and 40s with their Kibbles ‘n Bits. Cooper was charged with DUI, aggravated fleeing, and leaving the scene of an accident. Lock this liar up and throw away the key.