Thursday, December 3, 2009

Find My Family

There is a new show on ABC called "Find my Family". I thought "How sad it would be to not know your mother, father, siblings or family". Then I thought, in a way, my family is missing a big piece. I sometimes have to remind myself that I have a sister out there in the universe. A woman who shares my blood but whom I haven't seen since infancy. The only connection that I have to her now is the grainy picture on her facebook profile blurb. I look for traces of myself in her face. Do our eyes look the same? Is our smile the same? I also wonder about her interests. Does she like horses and musicals and dogs like I do? Or does she like basketball and football like Joe does? I wonder what her memories contain, if they interweave with mine. God has blessed our family so much with Brad and Rhonda. Especially knowing my sister has brought me peace and joy. She is an automatic built in supporter and friend. As for Brad, I have never felt more loved for simply being a sister than I do with him. As my relationship with Rhonda gets closer, I wonder more about Kelly. She has missed out on that trip to Ihop last year where we took up a whole corner and ordered pancakes and grits until our pants split. She has missed the year when we all piled into one hotel room in Lubbock for New Years countdown. And she has missed the North Carolina Beach summers when we cooked, played, hunted shells and laughed together. She has kids. Kids that miss out on our "kids" bowling trip to middle of nowhere Texas. My heart was torn for years because of Rhonda. I didn't know whether she liked me or hated me. Turns out it was neither. In a christmas card she sent when Joe and I were still very small she added to the bottom "give my babies a kiss for me". She loves me. And I her. I have hated my phantom sister. The one always lurking in the dark corners of my father's mind, and in the shadows of my own. I have hated her for not talking to my dad, I have hated her for talking to Brad and Rhonda but not Joe and I, and I have hated her for extending her anger at my father towards Joe and I. While I cannot even begin to understand her reasons and experiences, I recognize that they are worlds apart from my own. Every now and then I wonder about Kelly and how our lives would be different if she had decided to be in them. But then i think that it is her that is missing out. She doesn't know how funny Joe is when is reenacts facebook comments, or how dad curses when he spills water on the floor. She doesn't know that Mom and I make jewelry and cook together. She also doesn't know the competitiveness with which we play card games like Canasta. Someday I would love for our family to be "found". For there to be no more holes in the family tree, and no more heart holes and no more hatred and anger. But that reality seems much more like a fantasy than a feasible reality, so for now all I have is that grainy picture and some made up memories of her.