Thinner, happier, more productive, comfortable, not drinking too much--a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

Friday, January 21, 2011

On Mom's basement: the final frontier

Okay, so a little bit of week-wrapping-up levity comes in the form of a deeply offensive news article that requires a tremendously sincere apology. Because if there's one thing you absolutely don't want to do, it's piss off Trekkies.

It's the owners' manual that any self-respecting starship engineer in the year 2151 wouldn't be seen without.

…

Haynes, whose iconic range of automobile user manuals help teens and devotees alike keep their cars on the road 10 year after it is sensible to do so, have published a DIY guide to the most famous space voyager of them all.

The 160-page guide covers the entire range of USS Enterprise models, from Captain Jonathan Archer's original NX-01 from the most recent series through to the NCC-1701 under the control of Captain Kirk and her replacement, the NCC-1701-E.

Think Trekkers out there would welcome such a clever and topical Trek treat? FUCK YOU, YOU'RE WRONG.

Your Mom's Lunch
OMG, could this article be any more wrong. The Enterprise-E did not replace Kirks enterprise. The excelsior class Enterprise-B replaced kirks ship after Kirks ship was lost at the Genesis plant at the hands of the klingons. Upon their return to McKinley station after traveling back in time to get some whales… [tl;dr -Ed.] …This ship was lost at the aforementioned viridian star system. Then….came the enterprise-E. This article wreaks of failure.

I KNOW, RIGHT? JESUS EFFING SPOCK. WHAT DO YOU SAY, TREKKER OF MELBOURNE?

Please don't write about StarTrek when you have never watched the show/movies. You got stuff so wrong in this article that you may have hurt the sales of the book. eg; there is no hyperspace in star trek!

HOLY FUCK. HOW DID YOU DUMBFUCKS NOT KNOW THIS? PEOPLE WHO WERE GOING TO BUY THIS BOOK ARE GOING TO BE ALL, "WOW, FUCK THAT, THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THERE'S NO HYPERSPACE IN STAR TREK. I'M GETTING ANOTHER COPY OF BREAKING DAWN INSTEAD."

Wow, that's exhausting.*

Luckily for our impassioned Trekkers and their moms, the news offered an apology.

*The winner of the entire article? Ltnt Cmdr Montgomery Scott of Main Engineering, USS Enterprise: "And it's about time, too! It always gave me such a headache every time that crybaby Kirk would call down to engineering and say, 'Scotty, I need more warp power,' Can he not understand? I'm not a miracle worker! Now with this handy guide, all of my engineering problems are solved!"

Close second: ship of Moo'bah, who just wants to see the schematics of 7 of 9.