How to fight back against an office mob

If one person dislikes you, you may be able to communicate logically and rationally to build bridges and work through whatever’s bothering him or her.

But once a gang or mob has started attacking you, a reasonable approach isn’t effective and actually invites more pain.

For example, three of Debbie’s male co-workers leered at her and got much too close, made sexist and racist remarks to her and even made jokes about car accidents right after her mother had been killed in one.

But even though their remarks hurt, she tried to be cheerful and play along. She asked the guys to stop but they just laughed and said that they were kidding around. Why wouldn’t they return her kindness with niceness of their own?

She began to obsess on each incident and stayed awake nights, worrying about what would happen next. At first she focused on what she might have done wrong to deserve the abuse.

Debbie went to their manager and told him what was happening. She cried and said she was totally stressed out. He minimized what was happening. He said she had to be strong because she was a woman. This happened all the time. She hadn’t been assaulted, and she couldn’t prove anyone had done anything illegal.

The harassment got worse so she went to human resources and told them what was happening. They also said there was nothing they could do because she had no hard proof. But they promised to talk to her manager.

That afternoon, her manager called her into his office. He was angry and told her she’d crossed a line because she’d taken a “family problem” outside the team. He said people would be upset at her and treat her even worse.

He was right. The comments got more graphic and vicious. The three said they knew she’d been to human resources.

A few days later, in the office of one of the three, she saw a copy of an email from their manager. He told the three that she’d gone to human resources. There was nothing in the email telling them to stop. However, her manager said that clearly she wasn’t a team player. He solicited their comments about things she might have done to cause problems.

Suddenly it became clear: They were plotting to get her. But why?

Though people who participate in these mobs always have reasons and justifications that blame the target for their bad behavior, those reasons aren’t really what motivate the attacks.

Mobbing is simply a part of human nature. People gang up on others to exert power or control, or for the thrill of participating in a gang. Or it can simply be the nastiness of little boys or girls who pull the legs off ants. Sometimes, people are afraid of resisting and becoming targets also. We have a natural, human desire to be on the winning team.

You won’t be able to stop a mob by asking them nicely to stop. Trying to be sweet to a mob is as effective as asking a pack of hyenas to leave you alone because you’re a vegetarian. Failing to complain verbally and in writing simply encourages them to act out even more. They’ll see your sweetness and restraint as weakness.

What can you do when you’re being “mobbed?”

• Recognize the way things are. It’s not your fault. That is, you didn’t do anything bad to anyone. You don’t deserve the treatment. But every time they upset you or get away with treating you badly, they became bolder. Your manager may be colluding or even encouraging the attacks.

• Use this recognition to make yourself courageous and strong. You’re at war, whether you asked for it or not. Decide whether to fight and win — or to run away. If you stay, you must develop the inner resources to win a sustained and vicious battle.

• Get help so you can fight skillfully and effectively. You need a good employment lawyer who doesn’t work for the company and a coach to help you stay emotionally strong.

• Get audio and video evidence whenever you can. When verbal requests don’t stop the behavior immediately, leave an email trail on company computers saying, “No!” Document every incident on your home computer. Compile a legally compelling document, not merely a venting of your pain and anger.

• Change your personal passwords. Get a second cell phone to use for personal calls.

• Look for allies within the team and above your manager — people who will testify to the behavior.

Attempts to educate mobs don’t succeed. All the while, targets suffer. Don’t be a victim. Learn to push back legally, firmly and effectively.

Ben Leichtling is author of “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes.” Reach him at Ben@LeichtlingAssoc.com.