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Thinking positive.......

First of all.............Thanks Vicki......for the note!!
I am on day 84....never thought I would see that day! I have really been struggling and I have to admit have been very tempted more times that I want to say, to use again. I haven't though.....and for that I am grateful. I have realized that I am very lucky to have 84 clean and I am not ready to give that up. I want to keep going with this. I know that I don't open up and talk about things and that has been a problem with my therapist also.
I am hanging in there and today is my last day of work for the summer!!! Finally!

Thank you for the suppport and I pray that all of you stay strong each day!
Kristen

84 DAYS...wonderful....i can understand those cravings...they should diminish or become less and less as time passes....it could be paws..... we just have to remain strong and get through them...try to talk...it does help...even if you write your feelings on paper it lets it out. keep on racking the days up...you re doing great....maria :)

Kristen~ Just one foot in front of the other. Trust me,if you cave after 84 days and take just one(as I did) you will hate every cell in your body. Just don't do it,Sweetie. Stay strong and keep seeing the therapist. I hope you two are talking about current situations and how to deal with them and not talking about the past so much. You need tools to stay clean right now. I worry about you having time on your hands now. I hope
you have some projects/activities lined up !!! Free time was always a huge trigger for ME !!!
And keep posting here!! You are such a help to others! Come on...chin up!!

Thanks you guys!
I am definitely going to stay busy.....that is definitely a challenge for me. When I don't have a set schedule...I get very unmotivated. I am working a part time job and teaching summer school. That and joining our usual private pool and swimming with my son and my "summer friends". Also, the best news of all is that my brother, who has been in Fiji since May 13, 2008 is coming home. The earliest he could be home is July 13 and if not that early, definitely by September. I am going to spend time on getting ready for that. He is 12 years younger than me and has always been my best friend. The day he left, something changed, and I feel so happy that he will be home soon. It has been way too long. He is the one person in my life that I can truly be myself with and he has never once judged me. I REALLY need to tell him what has happened in the past few months. I only get to email him once a month at most, so I have never wanted to tell him and have him worry. My son was 13 when he left and he will be driving soon......it has been too long!

I was thinking about putting things into perspective today. I used to take a pill for each and every activity of my day. Getting out of bed, I took 1.....(at first, then it became 2 or 3). I took a pill(s)....for everything that I did. If I was going to do laundry, I would take them. Now, I am having to find the natural energy to do everything. Today, I decided that it's ok to not be super woman anymore. I am allowed to get tired and let the housework go for a day or so. I am definitely a person who suffers with OCD....taking pain pills amplified that so much. I would go non stop until every little inch of my life was absolutely perfect. Not so much anymore........I don't have to be perfect to be ok!

I have talked to my therapist about dealing with the "now" instead of "then." I know that my life has been touched by things that weren't so great. Mainly, a teacher when I was 11. That I don't need to visit right now. It has just made ME a better teacher for a long time. I don't need to be sad that I had 5 miscarriages......because I have the most incredible son who needed me when he was 3 almost as much as I needed him. Together we are searching for his birth mom. He wants to know her and I want to thank her. I have wonderful parents who I have pushed away for so long because I had to hide my secret. Someday I will tell them everything but for right now, it's enough for them to know that I am no longer using pills.

Wow.......that all just came out so easily with a lot of tears! But it feels REALLY good!! Thank you once again for being my support. It helps to know that I am not fighting this alone and that you are out there.

Hey congrads on 84 days your doing ausum...I have followed your story from the beginning and know how much you have struggled to stay clean....CUDOS to you for making it...its different for everyone ...I use to almost get jealous of those that seamed to make it look ez...for me I had to struggle so much just to feel better in the first 90 days
I never thought I would feel good again...but now life is a beautiful place again ...im no longer waiting for something to get better or to get well anymore ...im finely comfortable in my recovery and you will be to...it great to here your planning your life around something other then pills life is so much more fofilling living a clean and sober lifestyle I wish you well ...good luck and God bless.......Gnarly

Thanks Gnarly....
It does my heart good to hear your story. I have definitely been struggling, but I seem to be feeling happy again....just to wake up....not because I get to swallow pills in the morning. It feels good to be free of that burden. You are so right about planning my life around other things and not the pills. I was consumed with that for so long, it's almost like having to re-program my thinking and my habits. The best part of all of this is that I haven't done anything in the pats 84 days that I have to feel guilty about. That is a big part of the motivation for me to not give into the desires. I know because I relapsed........If I give in, I will have to start over. It's a great feeling to know that I didn't give in today and I will not have to wake up to withdrawals tomorrow.
Thank you for supporting me and everyone else on here.

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