Microsoft released the ad spot “Lauren” last week.In this commercial, we are introduced to a young yenta named Lauren. She is given $1000 to buy a laptop and can keep any money she does not spend.

She goes to the Apple store and comes out appalled at the pricing. Finally, she decides to buy a PC and is flabbergasted at her savings.

Advertising magic.

Microsoft hired the firm Crispin Porter and Bogusky to craft these ads. That may have been their first mistake. That’s a horrible name for a firm. Crispin and Porter probably started first and then Bogusky came along and said he wanted in.

Yo, Crisp. I hear you and Porter are starting up a firm. And I know you both need some capital. I’ll come in for 30 points on the dollar. Whaddya say, champ?

Can you change your name to Bowman?

No.

Bogsley?

No.

20 points.

But now Microsoft is left with a poor advertising campaign. The spot hammers home the sorry point that the Microsoft product is cheaper and therefore less valuable than the Apple product. Lauren emerges from the Apple store disappointed only because she can’t afford the Apple. Not because she doesn’t want it.

Here’s an equivalent advertisement.

Hey poor-ass. We see you walking down the street wearing jean-pants you probably bought from a gas station. We know you can’t afford a steak, because really? I mean, shit. Look at you. Are those flip flops made of Styrofoam? Who knew you could even buy clothes made from Styrofoam. Anyway, you can’t afford steak so go buy some cabbage. It doesn’t rot for at least three weeks. You can make eighteen meals from just one cabbage head. It’s twenty cents, bitch! Twenty! Brought to you by the Cabbage Growers of America.

Bogusky, if you’re reading this. Invest in us. And we’ll even give you 30 points on the dollar.