OK, so most of the Vets here know my sorry story lol. For those that don't, it's too long to detail so suffice it to say it was horrible in the beginning but it's great now.

Anyway, since d-day (11-18-11) I've always tried to spend some time in JFO to try and help others just starting out in this shitty mess, and also to try and give something back in thanks for all the support I've received here.

Recently though JFO has got the better of me. I don't know what it is, but lately when I go there and read the sad stories, I trigger like crazy. It's weird cause it has never affected me that way before and this new wrinkle just started.

Anyone else have this happen to them? For the Vets... how long was it before JFO didn't bother you at all?

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 5:31 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 59 on D-day (11/17/11) | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 926 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest

SisterMilkshake♀ 30024Member # 30024

Posted: 5:36 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013

When I first came to SI I was afraid to leave JFO and spent a long time there before venturing into other forums. Yes, I triggered a lot but I feel I was going to anyway. Kept visiting JFO regularly.

Around the second year though, I just couldn't go there. It was a physical pain all over again and I feel I was just getting past that.

Now, in my third year, I can go to JFO a little more but not as much as I would like. It still is very painful for me. It makes me feel so hopeless.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

Yes, I have a tough time with it. The raw pain. The fact that the only advice I really have is FTG, leave him/her. I know that even if I'm right, they probably don't need to hear it yet. So I rarely post there. I do know it's important to give back though, so I look when I can stand it, and comment when I think I can actually say something useful. Probably far too rare still, but I know it's important to try.

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

selkiescot♀ 23777Member # 23777

Posted: 5:44 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013

I always have a rough time there. My hearts for them. I do try to spend time there if for no other reason than to say there light at the end of the tunnel. but OH the triggers.

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT

PanicAttack53♂ 34195Member # 34195

Posted: 5:53 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013

Thanks SM, cayc & selkiescot. Now I don't feel so bad about taking a break from JFO for awhile.

It's kind of a shame because I remember so well how the Vets here rallied around me and held me up in the very beginning. All those common questions were answered for me and it kept me off the cliff many, many times. I so want to do that for others knowing their pain but just like I've learned in so many other things since d-day, I can't fix anyone or anything but myself... and myself just needs a little break from JFO right now.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 5:53 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 59 on D-day (11/17/11) | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 926 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest

girlsbird♀ 30877Member # 30877

Posted: 6:28 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013

I have a hard time going there and commenting. I just want to scoop them all up and love on them. Sometimes the posts bring me to tears.

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona

Sad in AZ♀ 24239Member # 24239

Posted: 8:46 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013

It still bothers me but not because I trigger. I see so much pain and anguish, and I know it's going to get better for most of them. They just have to get through it like everyone else; there are no shortcuts.

I didn't spend much time there when I started; I wanted to get into the nitty-gritty of what my life was becoming. So I guess it never was 'my place'.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

I used to spend a fair amount of time there. When I first joined SI I got great advice, but I felt like there weren't many people who could relate to my particular situation....the prostitutes, the finding out years later, etc. Of course I have since them met/read about others like me.

But, at first, I felt an obligation to be there to help people like me. Lately I haven't been able to go in there for more than a minute or two. It all just feels so hopeless.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jul 2012

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 12:03 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013

Too much raw pain for me, and I remember how much I hated reading, 'It takes time,' not to mention the other standard advice.

But mainly, too much pain.

My hat is off to any vet who helps those who JFO.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17064 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois

Tred♂ 34086Member # 34086

Posted: 7:26 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013

PA,

I understand mate. I still pop in there from time to time, but I don't post much anymore. There are some vets who still spend a bit of time in there - Bigger, stronger08, jjct for example. I've always been tempted to just have a template post that's like:

- see an attorney
- get tested for std's
- eat, drink, rest
- yada, yada, yada
- 2-5 years, time
- yes, tell the other BS
- take what you need, leave the rest

You get the picture. I feel like a lot of what I post in there is rote and is going to be echoed by the next 10 replies, or I've shared that story enough, it's time to pass the torch. I think you've paid it back enough. If it triggers you, take a break. Unfortunately, there is always a new crew coming in to help out those new to the pain.

JFO is tough because the longer you are here the more you find yourself responding to the same kind of questions.
As each newbie comes in they want to know about "is he/she really cheating", "they still work together", "should I contact the other BS", "he/she swears on the kids' head it wasn't sexual"....
Sometimes taking a break is a good idea, skip down to F&G and have a few laughs.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005

PanicAttack53♂ 34195Member # 34195

Posted: 3:42 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013

Thanks again everyone for the replies. I am gonna take a break for a while but I still hope I can go back someday to help.

@Tred, LOL, I actually did write up a canned reply with all the standard newbie advice. I then deleted it because after rereading it I realized how cold and calculated it sounded.

Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 59 on D-day (11/17/11) | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 926 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest

Lucky♀ 6864Member # 6864

Posted: 3:57 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013

PanicAttack53 if you notice I have 36,040 and you have 850 posts. I think it's safe and fair to say that I've sort of become used to the posts in JFO and am very comfortable answering posts, offering advice and comfort and not triggering.

Where you are at right now is so very normal. I think it's very caring that you want to help, and you will again when you give yourself a little space.

[This message edited by Lucky at 3:58 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 5:03 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013

Well, I try to go to JFO at least once a day. On weekends, I try to get in there twice. Yeah, if I'm having a really rough time, then it can be really freaking hard at times. My feelings of inadequacy and pain start to resonate with all of the anguish there. And there are times that I just really can't post. But at a bare minimum, I try to go in, find a post with less than 3 replies, and reply back to the person just so they know they've been heard.

My DDay was on a Friday. I found SI early Saturday. I tried to register but something went wrong and I think that it was Sunday night/Monday morning before I got on, with the help of one of the mods. I remember that feeling of standing outside in the cold, screaming and hammering on the door, trying to get in, and no one being able to see me. It seems like something that is very necessary to do.

But yeah, there are days that I skim because my heart is just too heavy. Especially in the last couple of weeks. Then I take a break.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10173 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

m334455♀ 26893Member # 26893

Posted: 10:02 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013

I've just started to be able to go to JFO for probably the last 4 or 5 months. So -- 3 years.

It's normal. JFO can be very triggery. I think you reach a point where you almost never trigger and then it's "easy" to go there(because you feel like you have something positive to contribute to people who are lost and sad.)

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009

curiouswiz♀ 34405Member # 34405

Posted: 6:33 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013

Thanks for this thread Panic..I'm in the same place. I was feeling guilty too. I look at JFO and think I should jump in to help someone if needed. I'm up so early that some are still awake. Those early morning hours can be so long and lonely and so tiring.

I've had to stay away because I found myself wanting to scream at newbies to RUN! RUN FOR YOU FN LIFE! Not great advice is it?

The pain is palpable and I need to stay away so it's not a trigger for me too. I'm still trying to cope myself and still in the middle of a shitstorm. I've been lurking and reading. Trying to soothe myself.