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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Zoobi zoobi zalaaboo! Zoobi zoobi zalaaboo! If you’re wondering what that’s all about, it’s a small witch chant I use to begin all my written material. Till date, no paper or journal has published it, but these people are really cool. I think I’ll write for blogs more often; Michelle (Malkin, not Obama) would like that.

I don’t really want to talk about elections; I have spent numerous hours obsessing over it and learning up stuff for it so that I don’t come across as a complete bimbo. Maybe I lost, but whatever! I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about my sexual beliefs. I don’t know the readership of this blog, but I’m willing to take a guess that most of you have already done the deed before your marriage. My heart bleeds for you, foolish youth, for whom a romp in the haystack is more important than maintaining the connection with the Lord. When I get elected, the first thing I’m going to do is stop the sale of condoms. Condoms have given you the liberty to become lascivious, to go against the will of God that intercourse should happen only between married people. When youngsters won’t have access to condoms, they’ll become pregnant. I’ll put in stern anti-abortion rules so that they have to give birth and raise their baby. This will surely discourage others from deflowering themselves out of wedlock. Because raising a baby is hard work. I’ve never done it, but come on, raising something that poops and pees and eats and screams all day long is hard. Honestly, I don’t know how people have babies; if I could, then I would stop production of babies altogether, but my advisors say I can’t do that if I want to stay in power.

I’m starting a new organization- Americans for Abstinence. When will people understand- pre-marital sex is bad. It’s evil. There is truth and there is not truth, there is good and there is evil. And abstinence is the only truth, it’s pure good. It’s there in the Constitution: thou shalt not lust. I believe with all my heart that the current economic situation finds its roots in lust. Men lust for their girlfriends, and their girlfriends lust for cheap baubles. So men try to earn money by whatever means possible, causing the economic meltdown. If at least 80% of the population practices abstinence, then our growth rate will be 180%. Yes, yes, it will. Believe me.

So, about the organization. We intend to promote chastity in America. We intend to prevent every unwed American from having sex. I already have a few plans as to how we are going to go about it, but I don’t intend disclosing them on a public forum, not yet at least. I suggest that you, especially those of you from Delaware, sign up on my website immediately, or else there will be repercussions.