Bob Dole realizes there are some devoutly religious individuals here on the Planet, and actually reads most of the religion-based threads without participating. Bob Dole freely admits to having some serious doubts about the usefullness of organized religion, but openly respects everyone's personal beliefs.

Given that preface, here's the latest event from the Neighborhood from Hell.

As you probably know, Bob Dole's entire lawn equipment inventory performed an assisted disappearing act from the garage last fall. As you probably guessed, Bob Dole has not been eager to rush out and buy new lawn equipment, fearing that it will meet the same end. Thusly, Bob Dole's "lawn" ain't been touched since last fall--except for the motocross track Reliant Energy so thoughtfully built in the side yard.

Other useful background: Bob Dole lives across the street from a large Baptist church. Last Spring, a week after Bob Dole moved in, one of the neighbors (who happens to be a member of the Baptist church across the street) came over and asked Bob Dole if he could do something with his "lawn" because the church was trying to make the neighborhood look nice. Bob Dole, who has historically taken pride in the lawn's appearance, was embarassed that a neighbor came to ask, and promptly fixed the problem lawn, and improved it with flowers and such over the course of the Spring/Summer. At the time of the equipment theft, Bob Dole's lawn looked better than the complaining neighbor's, and he actually had the nerve to stop by as Bob Dole was sweating his fat white ass off one Saturday afternoon and tell Bob Dole as much.

So Bob Dole is sitting here about 15 minutes ago and the Chihuahua Alert System goes haywire and Bob Dole looks out to see some unknown 60-something male walking up the walk. Bob Dole turns down the top volume Hoobastank and answers the door accompanied by 14 total pounds of fury and steps out on the porch with Bud in hand.

"How are you?" inquires the old coot.

"Other than trapped in a house with furious Chihuahuas, pretty well," replies Bob Dole. (Bob Dole takes a pull on the bottle...)

Old guy: "Good...good. Has anyone mention that we has a prospective new minister coming in to visit this weekend?"

Sensing what is about to transpire, suddenly less-pleasant Bob Dole replies, "Why would they? I don't attend that church."

Old fart: "Uh-hum. Well, we have a prospective new minister coming in to visit..."

Rude Bob Dole interrupts, "I gathered that much. Thanks."

Raisin: "Well...um...er...well... We're trying to make sure the neighborhood looks really good and were wondering whether you could do anything with your yard."

Bob-I-Knew-It-Dole: "No, I can't."

Prune Eater: blank stare

Bob-Increasingly-Disgusted-Dole: "Someone was kind enough to steal all my lawn equipment last Fall and I have not yet replaced it. I have been talking to a guy about buying his used Toro, and if he actually shows up with it before the weekend, you can rest assured I'll use it. If he doesn't, I don't really have any way to take care of it. I don't like looking at this shit either, if you want to know the truth, but I'm hesitant to go out and spend $500 on new lawn equipment so the dirtbags can break into the garage and steal it again."

Already-Paid-for-My-Burial-Plot-Man: "Ummm. Hmmmm. Well..."

Bob Dole: "You know, I noticed you had the church lawn done today. If it was really a big concern, you could have had them come over here and chop down my weed patch. Or you can send them back to do it tomorrow if you want. You know...in the spirit of 'Christian Charity' and all..."

Why-Did-I-Get-Elected-to-this-Shit-Guy: blank stare

Bob Dole: (Resisting the urge to point out that the guy does the blank stare thing quite a bit and might want to see his physician about it.) Well, if you guys want to do that, or if the guy shows up with the used mower before Friday and it actually works, I'll sure have it looking spiffy for you. I'm not going to go buy new equipment, nor am I going to pay anyone to come mow it, so I guess it's your choice."

At which point Bob Dole turned around and walked back in to Chihuahua Haven.

Bob Dole supposes the question is: Was Bob Dole out of line? And if you've got enough sack to go ring someone's doorbell to bitch about their yard, and you're really a compassionate, caring person living the Christain lifestyle, wouldn't you feel obligated to offer some sort of solution (other than scissors) when informed that some shitbag stole all the lawn equipment? Hell, Bob Dole doesn't go to church and has mowed a neighbor's yard more than once when they couldn't/wouldn't.

Bob Dole probably isn't going to mow the thing if the guy shows up with the mower in 15 minutes. It's the principle.

Well as for me, me thinks Dole enjoyed his little discussion with the man from over yonder. Mr Dole likes to have these type of fits from time to time to ventilate his daily frustations ! Go ahead Bob, rant on some more, we like to read what you think !

Have another beer and buy a mower and you won't have these neighborhood problems.
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Another entertaining chapter of "The Life and Times of Bob Dole"

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Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it.

I ask myself this question every day. Let me start by saying the guy was out of line. If a minister wouldn't take a job because the lawn across the street looked nappy then he isn't qualified to be a minister. Does he spit on the homeless if they come into the church unbathed? Anyway, I am fortunate enough (not) to be the Secretary-Treasurer of the Homeowners Association in my neighborhood and I get to do that type of **** every day. In my position, if your yard was bad (and it would have to be pretty bad) and you refused to mow it, then I get to hire someone to mow it for you. Then I get to send you a bill. Then if you don't pay I get to charge you interest and penalty fees. Then, if the amount gets high enough, I get to place a lein on your house. Needless to say, no one wants to be my neighbor. Little do these people know that I am the best person to live next to because I see how petty most of the complaints are. I don't care if you leave your landscaping lights on all night or if you have late, somewhat loud, parties on the weekends. If I complain, I just give myself more work. Just don't let your dog crap in my yard and I'll keep to myself except for sharing a beer with you on a nice summer evening in the back yard. Some things are not worth thinking about. If you find a used mower - great, mow the yard. If you don't, don't. The thought you have to put into not mowing just to prove a point is a waste of your time. Plus, the longer you wait, the harder it is to mow!

Put up a fence and buy some cows, goats,and a horses....... this ought to get them rattled up ! The grass may not be tall, but the smell might turn some heads during the services.

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Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it.

Had it been me, I'd probably have pointed down the street to where the thieves live (I'm assuming their yard probably ain't in the greatest shape, either) and said "Go talk to those white trash c#cksuckers - they stole all my lawn equipment. And while you're at it, since I assume you're in tight with the Lord and all, perhaps you could get some lighting bolt or brimstone action going to wipe those fuckers off the block. Thanks for stopping by. Would you like a lemon bar?"

Personally, I live in a townhouse. The condo association takes care of that crap. A bunch of Mexicans mow my yard. It works for me.

Originally posted by Kevin I'm not a religious guy at all, and generally have little patience with discussions of religions, but I have to ask: why should being religious require one to be a sucker? Why can't a person go to a neighbor and say, "Hey, fella, you mind taking care of your property a little better so we're not all embarrassed to be living near you?" without being encumbered to take care of the neighbor's lawn themselves? That's taking expectations of religious charity a bit too far, in my opinion.

Of course, if any of you religious folk disagree, you're welcome to remodel my basement for me. It's the right thing to do, you know.

Kevin it became an issue when the man presented the issue as a special request because a potential new minister was coming to vist that weekend. If in fact he had just said your grass is a little unkept could you take care of it. It would have been a one on one issue. Saying no or yes for that matter would just have been one man saying no to another man.

Originally posted by frazod Had it been me, I'd probably have pointed down the street to where the thieves live (I'm assuming their yard probably ain't in the greatest shape, either) and said "Go talk to those white trash c#cksuckers - they stole all my lawn equipment. And while you're at it, since I assume you're in tight with the Lord and all, perhaps you could get some lighting bolt or brimstone action going to wipe those fuckers off the block. Thanks for stopping by. Would you like a lemon bar?"

Personally, I live in a townhouse. The condo association takes care of that crap. A bunch of Mexicans mow my yard. It works for me.

D@m man, sometimes I worry about you. Always have this image that some fday I'll get to see you..........

On TV with 3/4 of the Chicago PD lying dead in the street, Army tanks in the fore ground, and the TV anchor talking about a derainged man in the Denny's pissed of about the price of his meal, or some other equaly wierd situation

I've got a really low tolerance level for petty crap, especially when it comes to my house. I'm very happy that I have very little responsibilities when it comes to the outside of my home - all I have to do is water the yard occasionally. That I can handle. I hope I never have to deal with my condo association, because I'm sure it wouldn't go over well. I already had to mount my friggin satellite dish on the ground right in front of my front door because the assholes don't allow them mounted on the building. Apparently it's an eyesore mounted on the building - but right in front of my door, well, that's just fine. Facist pricks!

Anyway, I'm sure Bob will deal with his yard when he's able. It's only April, for Christ's sake.

And I agree with what Mrs. Headsnap said about the minister. If he bases his decision to minister to a community based upon landscaping appearances, chances are he's not worth having around in the first place.

Kotter: "You are lucky I'm truly not the vindictive or psycho type...I'd be careful from now on, and I'd just back the hell off if I were you....otherwise, the Mizzou "extension office" life might get exciting"

D@m man, sometimes I worry about you. Always have this image that some fday I'll get to see you..........

On TV with 3/4 of the Chicago PD lying dead in the street, Army tanks in the fore ground, and the TV anchor talking about a derainged man in the Denny's pissed of about the price of his meal, or some other equaly wierd situation

J/K ya know

Relax, JOhn. If it was going to happen, it would have by now. I'm far calmer than I used to be.....

I would recommend that Bob Dole purchase a bunch of those little yard Gnomes. Paint them black with pentagrams and adorn them on your lawn in compromising positions. I assure you that the length of your grass will no longer be the primary problem.