Evidently suffering from a nasty strain of Re-election Derangement Syndrome, some Americans want to leave the country. They don't want to flee to Canada or Mexico (too many foreigners), but create their own little nations in which they can breathe the unregulated air of liberty, free from the godless, Kenyan, Muslim, Marxist tyranny of Barack Hussein Obama.

Secession is back. White supremacists, Christian fundamentalists, and other malcontents lost in the back streets of Crazytown, post petitions on the White House's "We the People" website, demanding that their state be allowed to separate from the Union. While the polar ice melts, the US army's top brass struggle to contain bimbo eruptions and Israel does its damnedest to start the third world war, these sore losers want to re-enact 1861.

Petitions have now come in from all 50 states, though the top seven are Texas, Alabama, Florida, Louisiana, Georgia, North Carolina and Tennessee. All were once part of the Old Confederacy, and all (except Florida) went for Mitt Romney. At the same time, they take almost one-quarter of the federal dollars allotted to the states. But irony, as everyone knows, has a liberal bias.

Texas's petition, now boasting 100,000 signatures, argues secession is necessary to protect people against the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), and other noxious big gubmint cabals determined too trample their rights. Signatories want to reinstate "the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers which are no longer being reflected by the federal government".

Though these petitions have zero legal status, and less chance of going anywhere, the White House has promised to respond to anything that gets more than 25,000 signatures. It's unclear how soon a response will come, what form the response will take, and whether it will involve uncontrollable giggling and a free bottle of valium.

Secessionists, however, remain undeterred. Alabama's petition was filed by Derrick Belcher, currently an operations manager for a trucking company, but once the proud owner of a popular topless car wash in Mobile, Alabama. He lost his business when he was arrested and charged with obscenity in 2001. The heavy hand of the state destroyed his American dream:

"The government ripped my business away, and now they're choking America to death with rules and regulations."

Groups such as the Texas Nationalist Movement and the Republic of Texas, which believe that the state was annexed illegally by the US government (they don't say much about who "annexed" it from Mexico) took heart in 2009 when Governor Rick "Oops" Perry warned that if the "federal government keeps thumbing its nose at the American people", Texans might have to take drastic action:

"When we came into the nation in 1845, we were a stand-alone nation. And one of the deals was, we can leave any time we want."

Actually, that never was the deal: Texas can't flounce out of the Union any time it feels like it. Nor can the others. "States rights" zealots may insist the tenth amendment to the constitution allows any state unhappy with the federal government to withdraw peacefully and nullify any federal law the state disagrees with, but that's all gone, as it were, with the wind. The question of federal supremacy was settled at Appomattox in 1865. General Robert E Lee himself ordered that the Confederate battle flag be furled and the nation reunited.

Fox News, naturally, takes secession quite seriously, with panel show "The Five" and pundit Sean Hannity treating the idea with a respect it doesn't deserve. Rightwing news aggregator Matt Drudge also gives secession house room on his Report. A few prominent paleo-conservatives have joined in the secesh chorus as well: "Saturday Night Live" star turned webshow host Victoria Jackson passionately wants her home state of Florida to leave the Union, tweeting:

The editor of World Net Daily, a site which continues to assert that Obama was born in Kenya (unless he turns out to be the Anti-Christ, after all), sighs "Divorce is an ugly word," then goes on:

"The election of 2012 provides more stark evidence that we are not really one country, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. We are already two peoples – those of us still loyal and faithful to the God-inspired founding American principles and those who have gone awhoring after the idols of government coercion."

Republicans in elected office, however, are backing away from secession as fast as they can. Governor Perry, no longer flirting with separatism, opined that while Texans are frustrated with the federal government, breaking up the country isn't a great idea on the whole. Other governors – even in the deepest depths of the south – want no part of it. Bill Haslam, governor of Tennessee, said, "I don't think we'll be seceding"; a spokeswoman for Alabama's chief executive said, "Governor Bentley believes in one nation under God"; and South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley asked, "Didn't we try that once before?"

Pro-union Americans have filed their own petitions on "We the People", calling for anyone who signs a secession petition to be deported or declared a traitor. Residents of Texas' capital city, home of the "Keep Austin Weird" bumper sticker, say if Texas succeeds in striking off on its own, they want to secede from secession. They'd be happy without the rest of the state, charging that they suffer from "lack of civil, religious and political freedoms imposed … by less liberally minded Texans".

Who'd miss Texas anyway? As long as we get Austin, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Ornette Coleman, the Dixie Chicks and Lyle Lovett, they can have George W Bush, Ron Paul and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.