Pregnant and Not Barefoot

Don't let that half smile fool you. I am no happy camper. The Good Doctor will testify to that in a court of law. Hand on a Bible, "Yes, Your Honor, she is a turdball right now. But I said I would love her for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, turdballs notwithstanding." OK fine, he wouldn't use the word "notwithstanding."

Pregnancy is for the birds. And they're smart enough to lay eggs. Translation: being prego blows. BPB.

Before the Internet jumps down my throat about the miracle of life and how lucky I am and do I know there are people spending thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and how dare I say pregnancy blows, let me say YES to all of the above. I am very grateful and fortunate and appreciative that the powers of life have granted my hostile womb another chance to grow a human. We've been through many sucky times, and we know how blessed we are to be on the path toward a second babychild.

That does not mean I was built to endure or enjoy pregnancy in any way shape or form. Just a glimpse at my maternity photos from the last pregnancy will tell you, a belly of this size on my person is all kinds of crazy.

But if you want someone to make you feel like a supermodel 3 weeks before you send your husband to the store to buy hemorrhoid cream and Tuck's pads because 7 pounds of person just tore her way out of your vajazzle, then my friend Sarah Williams is the one to call.

I still can't believe I'm headed for round 2 of this. See that ring I'm wearing? It's a fashion ring I normally wear on my right middle finger. It was the only one that would fit on my wedding finger. I gained 42 pounds. That's 42% of my body weight. Do the math and add 42% of your body weight to your belly, sprinkle in 3 months of extreme nausea, a pinch of severe night time heartburn, months of tossing and turning in your sleep, and cap it off with a cantaloupe sliding out of your nether parts. Don't even get me started on breastfeeding.

I am so excited. #not

P.S. Dear friends and family who are reading this news, thank you in advance for your kind wishes and positive thoughts and still being your loving selves as I transform into Crazy Pregnant Biznatch over the next several months. Things will get better once the alien invasion is complete on or about February 9th.