Creativity, Curiosities and Clayton Hove

Before I Could Tweet

Back in the pre-Twitter era, there was a site called Espresso Stories that prepared a lucky few for a world of 140 characters or less by encouraging them to write stories in 25 words or less. I was one of them.

What follows is an archive of 127 of my contributions to that collection from 2003 to 2008, mostly before I discovered the majesty and wonder of the all-powerful tweet.
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The author: A well-caffeinated carbon-based biped based out of Bismarck, North Dakota. Sometimes known as Clay Hove, or historically as Clayton T. Claymore. Don’t ask.
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Note: As of this post, you can still find the Espresso Stories site here.
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‘Revelations 2.0’ by Clayton Hove

And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven as they stared at the burnt Hot Pocket Panini of the Apocalypse.

8 Nov 2008.
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‘Centipede Vexipede‘ by Clayton Hove

It bothered Greg that even though he only needed 99 shoes after his altercation with the beetle, that they still made him buy 100.

11 Jun 2008.
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‘Dawn of the Ted’ by Clayton Hove

Her groaning had him confident that he was master of the bedroom.
That morning, he found out that he went home with a zombie.

18 Oct 2007.
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‘Follow your nose, err… heart.’ by Clayton Hove

She knew from the start that he was fond of breakfast cereal. Regardless, legally changing his name to Froot Loops irreversibly tainted their relationship.

4 Jan 2007.
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‘The Maltese Falcon II’ by Clayton Hove

Of all the Applebee’s in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

27 Dec 2006.
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‘Rejected Letter To The Penthouse Forum’ by Clayton Hove

Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me, and I was right.

Dammit.

Sincerely,
Glen

26 Mar 2005.
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‘The Price Of Sweetness’ by Clayton Hove

Once over the initial shock of her sudden tentacles, Angela resumed her career as a Splenda spokeswoman to mixed reviews.

26 Mar 2005.
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‘Noah’s Lament’ by Clayton Hove

Deliberately left out of the Bible, the real reason why unicorns were not allowed on the ark was the simple fact that they were polygamists.

26 Mar 2005.
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‘”Wendy’s Is Better Than Pheromones”‘ by Clayton Hove

It seemed like a good idea at the time – buying condoms at the dollar store so that he could “biggie size” his date’s meal…

26 Mar 2005.
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‘Nothing Runs Like A Groom’ by Clayton Hove

Wary of his bald spot, Gary desperately tried to convince his fiancée why he should wear his John Deere cap during the ceremony.

26 Mar 2005.
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‘Lost in the Ethel’ by Clayton Hove

She was gorgeous. Brilliant. Funny. An insatiable animal in the sack.

But that name. Good God in heaven… that atrocious, horrible name.

28 May 2004.
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‘Fonz Fraud’ by Clayton Hove

As his television blinked out once again, he rose, approached, and rapped its side with his fist.

And again. And again.

Henry Winkler must die.

28 May 2004.
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‘Dried Up’ by Clayton Hove

Their love life was fantastic.
They could talk for hours and hours.
He used the good towel.
It was over.

28 May 2004.
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‘The near death of Roy in a 2004 Ford Focus’ by Clayton Hove

As the airbag deployed and he was knocked into unconsciousness, the last three minutes of his life flashed before him. He felt cheated somehow.

28 May 2004.
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‘4:30pm’ by Clayton Hove

He pressed his pallid hands against the glass, staring down at the ant-like people enjoying the warm, sunny day. He wished. He wished. He wished.

28 May 2004.
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’57 Varieties of Immortality’ by Clayton Hove

Instead of panicking, the people in the restaurant just stared as she attacked the bottle of ketchup. It was tough being a vegan vampire.

13 May 2004.
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‘Black Widow’ by Clayton Hove

People started to get suspicious when her fifth husband also died of food poisoning, but in truth, she was just a lousy cook.

13 May 2004.
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‘Turning Point’ by Clayton Hove

Sure, the first time he had to bail out his wife, it was kind of exciting. But now, it was starting to get expensive.

13 May 2004.
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‘Time Machine 2.0’ by Clayton Hove

For the initial trial, her web-based time displacement portal worked like a charm, and to much acclaim.

Unfortunately, she was now stuck in 1024AD.

7 May 2004.
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‘Coffee Mugged’ by Clayton Hove

It was her favorite brown office beverage mug.
Cobalt blue, with a pithy saying.
Her boss got to it first.
The day was ruined.

6 May 2004.
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‘Canine Nightmare’ by Clayton Hove

Bowser was enjoying his walksies when he nosed up to an oak tree.

Sniff.

His arch-nemesis, Tinkles, was here!

Lift. Phffffffft.

Shit! Out of urine!

6 May 2004.
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‘Improvisational First Aid’ by Clayton Hove

He looked at his stapler.
He looked at his arm.
He looked at his stapler.
He looked at his arm.
He’d need more staples.

6 May 2004.
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‘Thoughts From An Unstable Tree’ by Clayton Hove

Cloudy again. Damn squirrels. Great… more bird shit. Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Get them off! Get them off! Get them off! Aughhhhh! I can’t move!

6 May 2004.
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‘The New Guy’ by Clayton Hove

She was on the rebound. He didn’t care. They entered her bedroom. She stepped out of her dress. He screamed, soiled himself and fled.

6 May 2004.
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‘Anger Management’ by Clayton Hove

About twenty minutes into the company president’s furious rant, an important artery popped somewhere deep inside his head. It didn’t change a thing.

6 May 2004.
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‘Gurgle’ by Clayton Hove

Amber woke up early, thanks to a strange noise emanating from her apartment’s bathroom toilet. She was about to meet her new pet.

6 May 2004.
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‘A Rip in the Fabric’ by Clayton Hove

In her haste, she set the time machine for five seconds into the future.

Not knowing she traveled successfully, she furiously destroyed the mechanism.

11 Nov 2003.
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‘Pentimento 2063’ by Clayton Hove

Now approaching eighty, Keith hobbled into the pawn shop and traded his walker for a skateboard.

They found his body on the half pipe, smiling.

11 Nov 2003.
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‘A Spoonful of Cougar’ by Clayton Hove

Usually, Jasmine was as sweet as could be, so long as you kept her away from the absinthe.

Roger found out the hard way.

11 Nov 2003.
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‘Capricorn vs. Callipygian’ by Clayton Hove

The petting zoo celebrity fundraiser went flawlessly.

That is, until J. Lo bent over to tie her shoe in full view of the billy goat.

11 Nov 2003.
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‘The Big Switch, Victorian-style’ by Clayton Hove

His father’s pocket watch ticked no more, broken on the floor.

Little Abraham cried in the back yard, his backside scarred.

11 Nov 2003.
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‘The White Trash Reality Television Actors Guild’ by Clayton Hove

Alerted by the FOX camera crew that the police were coming, Joe Bob stood defiantly on his trailer’s porch, half naked and ready to run.

11 Nov 2003.
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‘Centrifugal Obligation’ by Clayton Hove

Fan Blade #3 took his job seriously and didn’t want to let his coworkers down, but secretly, all the repetitive work made him nauseous.

11 Nov 2003.
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‘Apartment Life 1’ by Clayton Hove

As yet another gunfight erupted next door, Mary fell to the floor. Clutching her bleeding arm, she distracted herself by musing about her security deposit.

9 Nov 2003.
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‘Apartment Life 2’ by Clayton Hove

As Mary took her garbage out to the rotting alley dumpster, she carefully avoided stepping on any of the strewn needles.

“Damn diabetics,” she murmured.

9 Nov 2003.
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‘Apartment Life 3’ by Clayton Hove

Watching her bathtub fill with rusty, tepid water, Mary breathed a sigh of relief. The stench of rotting eggs was much more mild today.

9 Nov 2003.
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‘Apartment Life 4’ by Clayton Hove

According to the scale, she was now down to 109 pounds.

Living in a neighborhood where no pizza place would deliver did have its benefits.

9 Nov 2003.
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‘Preschool Chamomile Bear Brains’ by Clayton Hove

Never seeing a plastic honey bear before, she found it adorable.

Later, when a teacher used it for her tea, Brianna screamed in holy terror.

6 Nov 2003.
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‘Monster Cheesemaking School’ by Clayton Hove

After years of intensive study, Chucky the Chupacabra excelled at feta and chevre, but he just couldn’t get the hang of curdling blood.

6 Nov 2003.
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‘The Dangers of Smoking’ by Clayton Hove

Oozing charm, sophistication and wit, the hunk had every girl at the table entranced and doe-eyed. Then he lit the wrong end of his cigarette.

5 Nov 2003.
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‘The Hollywood Axe’ by Clayton Hove

Thinking that Zombie #5 was just staying in character after the cut, they watched him stagger around, bleeding and moaning, then fall to the ground.

5 Nov 2003.
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‘A North Dakota Church Service’ by Clayton Hove

As Pastor Herbert’s sermon reached its apex, he gently cued his congregation. They then inhaled from their helium balloons and raised their voices to heaven.

4 Nov 2003.
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‘The Death of Brad the Bumbling Boxelder Bug’ by Clayton Hove

Creeping across the cottage cheese ceiling, Brad’s fifth leg tripped.

Too shocked to fly, he fell into the open mouth of the sleeping human below.

24 Oct 2003.
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‘Delusions of Deception’ by Clayton Hove

He secretly prided himself on his ability to lie, exaggerate and twist the truth without anyone suspecting a thing.

Unfortunately, nobody trusted him.

24 Oct 2003.
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‘Triumph of Man’ by Clayton Hove

After years of vigorous training, Jeb Schimke became the first man to successfully record a fart while standing on the summit of Mount Everest.

24 Oct 2003.
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‘Thumbs’ by Clayton Hove

For the third time in a week, Jim failed his test of coordination and problem solving.

Reluctantly, Sylvia resorted to wearing a Velcro bra.

24 Oct 2003.
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‘Budget Bionics’ by Clayton Hove

Thanks to modern medicine and technological advances, Tony was able to return to a normal life.

That is, until his cybernetic belly button linted out.

24 Oct 2003.
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‘A Hard Lesson’ by Clayton Hove

Although the pharmaceutical company’s next generation anti-impotency drug tested flawlessly in the clinical trials, the penis-shaped pills proved to be a disaster in the marketplace.

24 Oct 2003.
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‘The Secret Language of the Coors Light Twins’ by Clayton Hove

Flibiger hin.

Urgala mort wid!

Hahahaha.

…es maga por por!

Hahahaha.

Hahahaha.

Oooohh.. chexin fev hunka!

Bibby hunka bunbun!

Menage?

Sure!

22 Oct 2003.
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‘Coven Mitt’ by Clayton Hove

Her first time at the Salem Cook-off, Angelina wondered if anyone would notice that she secretly replaced eye of newt with paprika in her stromboli.

22 Oct 2003.
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‘Balance’ by Clayton Hove

He regretted losing his pinkie in the meat grinder.

Even more, he regretted sticking in his other pinkie, but Hell – Now they matched.

22 Oct 2003.
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‘Soul Mate’ by Clayton Hove

After the bar closed, they walked home hand in hand.

He looked at her lovingly. Her eyes. Her smile. Her horns glistening in the moonlight.