Could this new eShop download be the worst Nintendo game ever made? It certainly is if you’re a Pokémon fan or an easily swayed parent…

Pokémon Rumble U is one of those games that’s so bizarrely awful it has us questioning not just our sanity but whether we’ve missed an option on the main menu, potentially one marked ‘Game’. Previous games Pokémon Rumble and Super Pokémon Rumble were both dreadful, but this new Wii U iteration evolves that terribleness into what is almost an artistic statement on the cynical manipulation of a fan base.

Obviously Pokémon Rumble U is not a mainline Pokémon game but it is instead a spin-off that features wind-up toy versions of pokémon, rather than ‘real’ ones. The only reason for this peculiar distinction was to excuse the lo-fi graphics in the first Wii game, but the conceit is continued here anyway (even though it’s not used in any of the promotional art).

The blink-and-you’ll-miss-it story involves a number of the toys accidentally being dumped in a river and then battling their way back to the toy shop they were originally destined for. But while Super Pokémon Rumble was a weird sort of dungeon crawler, akin to a less skilled version of Gauntlet, this regresses the concept back beyond even the original.

Pokémon Rumble U is purely an arena fighter, as you pick a team of four critters and then attack swarms of rival pokémon with one, and potentially two, button-mashing moves. And that’s it.

The pokémon retain their different elemental affinities, so theoretically there’s a question of matching up the right attack to the right enemy. But unlike the previous games you can’t change pokémon mid-game so it’s largely a case of pot luck.

But since all you’re doing is running up to a monster and seeing how fast you can press the ‘A’ button you’re not missing out on much tactical nuance.

Which is not to suggest the game is easy, far from it. It quickly becomes frustratingly difficult when playing on your own, as your computer-controlled chums prove increasingly little help. The only way to get through the later stages is to convince genuine human friends to help you out. Something we weren’t able to do for more than a single round once they found out what the game was like, especially as it’s not online.

The only other help offered is a small range of rather boring power-ups, that do things like recharge your health and double your attack power.

To try and keep you awake there’s a number of Achievement style objectives, some of which are secret but others of which task you with such exciting missions as getting a combo of a certain length or collecting a set number of pokémon (these are thrown out randomly in collectable pokéballs).

You aren’t told if you’ve achieved any of these until after a match is over though, which is hugely frustrating. But then the only reward is a rare pokémon anyway.

You collect new pokémon, drawn from all five generations of the mainline games, the more enemies you defeat and we assume that Nintendo are banking on this becoming a big enough obsession to forgive the almost non-existent gameplay. Worse than that we assume they’re right, given that this is the second sequel.

Pokémon Rumble U (Wii U) – it’s not even as if the figurines look nice

In fact Nintendo has such confidence in the game that it is the first, and so far only, game to use their Skylanders-like NFC technology. They’ve even convinced GAME to sell the little figurines at £3.99 a pop, which seems absurd given how much this increases the already high cost of the game.

Even worse is that the presence of the figurines means that while previously you could give your pokémon new attacks by using collected in-game currency now you have to use real-world money, because they’re otherwise completely un-customisable.

Buying a figurine is the only way to ensure super strength and more powerful moves. Either that or constantly replaying a stage in the hope you’ll get a pokémon with the moves you want.

Dumbing down a game already so ruthlessly simplistic as Pokémon Rumble is almost impressive, but this is not only one of the worst games Nintendo has ever published it’s also easily the most cynical and manipulative.

It is of course hard to predict what very small children will enjoy, but in terms of entertainment value this is right up there with repeatedly stabbing at the controls of an arcade game even though there’s no money in it. There’s clearly money in it for Nintendo though and we strongly advise you not to give them a penny of it.

In Short: Not just a terrible video game but one conceived purely out of greed and a contempt for its audience – not to mention the hapless parents guilted into furnishing Nintendo’s coffers.

Pros: There certainly are a lot of pokémon in the game and for what the visuals are they’re not too bad, with plenty of enemies on screen at once.

Cons: Almost zero gameplay, and considerably more simplistic than the already basic originals – and many of those changes are simply so Nintendo can sell you expensive figurines.