DEAR SISI: HIS MOM DOES NOT LIKE ME, SO I BROKE UP WITH HIM, DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION? #LDR

“ Good morning! I'm an ardent reader of your blog since your 2013 birthday. Can I also use this opportunity to wish you and bobo a happy married life and blessings in your home

Now to the main gist. I am a yoruba girl, i've been dating this yoruba guy for five years. Though we are not from the same state, his mum is from my state but we are not from the same village. And oh I forgot to add that all those five years we dated, it's been a long distance relationship, because I travelled to the UK to study for four out of the 5 years ‎and when I got back we didn't live in the same town, we only visit each other. We were fine, actually very fine. I knew he loved me even though we fight sometimes (which I think is normal in all relationships), and he apologises first regardless who started the fight, we were happy. Apart from that, he is my bestfriend, the one I told everything and the one I call first when I need to talk to someone or just cry lol. So just a week ago he called me to say there was trouble. Apparently he's been telling his mum about me and his intention to marry me. She had always said no but he thought she was joking, or she was just in a bad mood. Recently he brought up the topic again and this time she blatantly said no and even added that if he goes on with his intention to marry me, she was going to turn her back at him and he would have to find another mother, her reason was that his stepmum who was from my village showed her hell before his dad finally passed away and so she vowed her children will never have anything to do with people from my place (really? In this day and age? That was the same thing I said). he called everyone he could to talk to his mum but nope, same story. So I suggested we just let go of each other, we both won't be happy if his mum is not happy, and I love him too much to let his mum curse him cos of me, I think that is selfish. Also if we were meant to be, fate will bring us back together some how.

Ok, here was what prompted my decision, my mum married my dad and there was no wahala o, only for mother inlaw to start hating her and even wishing her death cos she married her son. I don't want to go through that, I want everybody to be happy and I want my kids to have a grandma that loves them. My decision has been hard on both of us, been crying myself to sleep and still can't believe it's over and that's it. He still calls me which is the only thing I feel good about right now. Please how do I move on, cos I feel like a part of me is gone. How do I stop this pain and anger I feel in my heart. Do you think I made the right decision? Some days I tell myself I did the right thing and some days I think my decision is stupid. Has anyone been through this before, please share. Sorry the story is so long but you can edit it if you feel it's too long. Please can you post it on your blog, want to read people's opinion. Thank you very much. “

Hello Miss Tee,

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately some LDR’s do end up with broken hearts although I wish that were not so in your case. I understand the scenario you've painted…his mom is not happy to accept you and I’m sure you really considered the consequences which is why you ended the relationship. I believe a marriage or even a relationship where the family members do not accept/welcome you is going to be difficult to cope in. Yes, when you marry you live with the person you marry but you also marry their family and everyone needs a loving home to flourish in.

The only question I want to ask is: do you think you really fought for it? From your explanation you seemed to let go immediately she insisted an that's understandable, nobody wants mother in law drama. If you sent this email to me before the break up I would have suggested you try to warm your way into his mom’s heart, by meeting her (have you met her before?) you never can tell if when she gets to know you better she’ll let go of her fears. Or maybe you both should have given her more time to come around...just saying.

It seems you're not at peace with your decision, and he still calls you, most of all you still love each other. Do you both want to talk about the option of making it work with his mom? If he insists there's no way, then let it go. If he agrees, then you can give it a try. It might work, and then again, it might not, but I think you will feel better at peace with yourself if you knew you tried your best and it didn't work.

Most of all pray that God will guide your decisions because marriage is the biggest choice we make in life.

Good Luck! I hope it all works together for your good,

PS: If you've been in this situation or have advise for her please leave a comment! She wants to know your thoughts too.

16 comments

I love your response to her.she shouldn't have called it off immediately,and I also praise her courage.please, if you can meet her and let her see that you meant no harm.but I also fear the woman o.if she cant forgive all these years then something is wrong

Being of yoruba descent myself I understand your story. I'm not yet married but I always ask myself hypothetical Qs about issues such as this (but yours is the real deal). The issue isn't what you've done wrong but someone else's inability to forgive and let go of the past and this seems to be getting in the way of a relationship with great potentials. Just as Yemmie suggested, would she be willing to meet you and get to know you before making a final decision and would you welcome that opportunity if it exists? What if she relents and tells her son he can very well do whatever he pleases; Knowing all you know now would you be willing to live like this for the rest of your life? If you truly believe you need to give this relationship another chance, then do so. But if after all these things you have no real peace in your heart then ask God to simply heal your heart and be willing for Him to do so. Just a thought about the roles mother-in-laws' or future ones have to play in their daughter-in-laws' lives (Naomi must have done something right for Ruth to declare...."I'll follow you to the ends of the earth" (paraphrasing). Wouldn't all our lives be a whole lot easier and simpler if women everywhere understood this biblical principle...?

My dear Run oooo.. some mother in-law can be witches ooo. don't persuade her to change her decision if what she said from the onset is No.. you don't have to beg anybody to like you.. gradually gradually the pains will go and you will move on meet better guy and loving mother in-law... i know what i am saying oooo.. anyways it jus my one cent sha.

Pray about itMeet His momJust so you know you did your bestIf his mom meets you and still doesn't lie you after three months of trying to love her like you love your mom then you can let go with no hard feelings.

My dear, you made the right decision ,please don't feel bad AT ALL, bible says 'in ALL things give thanks oh, God might be saving you from something bad. I know of a girl who dad opposed the marriage but she went ahead, after a kid the man died of cancer, she went thru HELL, the family brought out their true color. Please pray ,if God says he is your own things will work out, if not you will get a man that will love you like die. Its painful ,but dont kill yourself ,leave the matter for the one who know it all

Life is an irony. Mr BF'S mum loves me so much. When she's abroad shopping, she sends a pix of something n asks if i like it, so she can get it 4 me. n m not married to her son yet! My dear, PRAY! God can still turn the situation around.

You took the right decision dear. You have waited enough for her to change her mind. It's obvious she's not going to change her mind except by divine intervention. Its not in your place to fight so hard for the relationship. Your BF should be able to convince the mum that you are not the likes of her step mum.Pls move on with your life by all means. Even if it means cutting communication with the guy.

You took the right decision dear. You have waited enough for her to change her mind. It's obvious she's not going to change her mind except by divine intervention. Its not in your place to fight so hard for the relationship. Your BF should be able to convince the mum that you are not the likes of her step mum.Pls move on with your life by all means. Even if it means cutting communication with the guy.

Dear Poster, it is only you that will know if you made the right decision. Before I married my husband,my mother always told me that I am not allowed to marry from a certain village,although still yoruba o. When I met my husband, we started as friends and I mentioned it to my mum,the first question was where is he from? The moment I said it,she was not having it even as we were not in any relationship. Her reasons were every sister of hers that has married men from that place have ended up been maltreated and husbands were evil...I did laugh it off but I prayed about it. My mom in law too also has had bad experience from wives from my village/state. So you can imagine. However, before we ventured into relationship, I spoke to my mom and mom in law,God granting me wisdom thou I made them realise that its not about where your from that makes you treat your woman/man or friends right!! Its your decision and choice that makes you who you are. Today, my mom and husband can gist ehn and me and mom in law can gist for africa,and we all look back and smile when we remember. My dear, you might have broken up but i suggest you find the chance to have a sit down with your bfs mum. Its not like your using yourself to beg her....if the man aint yours, your own man will come. Above all pray hard!

I've also been in a long distance relationship for some years ( the hardest thing i've ever faced in life), and I can relate. I just want to say that Judging by your story, unless you didn't give the whole story I think you made the right decision. It is not your job to kiss up to your boyfriend's mother in law and play "please love me". Your job is to respect and love her as the woman that gave your man life. If you have been with this man for 5 years and she still does not accept you, than darling I say let it go. Your boyfriend is supposed to be a man and fight for you. He is supposed to fight for you to be in his family. It's his job to let everyone know that their opinion on who he should take as "HIS" wife, not "THEIR" wife is absolutely not open for debate. If he can't do that, then darling he does not deserve you, because you are a queen and you deserve a king. I can not tell you how many times my man has faught for me, and has let everyone know that their opinions are not needed. And now we are engaged to be married and his whole family loves and can't get enough of me. I wish you well dear. Be strong everything will be ok.

My dear please don't feel sad over your decision. Personally have been in this type of situation before, in my own case it was my mum who was against my choice of man partly because he is igbo and am Yoruba. We had to go our separate ways after 4yrs, am married now to a man who loves me so dearly. No matter the advice we give you, it won't change a thing. After my own experience, i have come to the conclusion that 'what will be,will be and what will never be,will never be. The only solution is prayer to never miss it martially in life! It wasn't easy for me then but with God my dear it was VERY EASY!