The ChangingMinds Blog!

How to be intimidating. Or not.

I recently had a conversation about intimidation with a person who was
concerned that they were scaring others, even when they tried not to do so. Here
are some of the thoughts that came out of that very interesting conversation.

Intimidating others means engendering fear, often with the purpose of
coercing them into doing something they do not want to do. We can also do this
accidentally or deliberately - the bottom line is that the other person feels a
degree of fear as a result of their encounter with us.

Ways we can intimidate others include:

Staring at them, particularly without blinking.

Getting too close to them,
entering their 'personal space'.

Speaking aggressively, even about other people.

Moving jerkily or suddenly, especially when you are close or when actions
simulate harm (eg. chopping motion or with fist).

Behaving erratically and
unpredictably, so they do not know what you will say or do next.

The ease with which we can accidentally intimidate suggests that we might reflect on how
we act around others. Maybe we don't mean to be intimidating, yet it's
possible we sometimes are, though without really noticing it. Paradoxically,
when are act in intimidating ways, it is often a response to feeling intimidated
ourselves. We sense aggression and meet fire with fire, escalating our
aggressive stance. This can be overt and deliberate, but is often subtle and not
noticed, even by us. Yet even small changes in how we act can make others
uncomfortable.

A way to monitor this is to watch how other people react around you. Do they look alarmed? Do they back
away? Do they give you space? Do they avoid you altogether? If so, try to see
yourself through their eyes and decide consciously how you want them to respond
to you, and consequently how you need to act around them.

To be non-intimidating, just do the reverse of intimidating action. For
example: