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Thursday, 27 December 2007

You are two months old and although it feels like the time has flown by, it has been the most intense two months of my life. I always planned on writing a monthly letter to you but it is proving difficult, especially the first month when you weren’t even home yet and it was a month of intense joy and more intense fear.

Gabe, you decided it was time to arrive long before you were ready. Bea tagged along but seemed more prepared. Daddy and I weren’t ready either and we were stunned and confused by the arrival. I always heard to be prepared ahead of time but as you probably now know, I like to call the shots and thought that I could control this too. Both of you were the most beautiful babies in the world. Even the nurses and doctors at the hospital said so. Neither of you looked like premies at all just very small perfect babies. Gabe came first at 1:40 am and weighted 4 lbs 3 oz and Bea at 1:41 am and 3 lbs 11 oz. Both of you had tons of dark hair and I wondered how you could be our babies but as the days past you looked more and more like family and even if you weren’t mine it was too late…I was in love!!

The first week neither of you had any real problems and it seemed we might not have to be in the hospital for long. At exactly one week old, Gabe got sick and transferred to Sick Kids. This was the worst day of my life! Before I even had a chance to look at you both at the same time, you were in isolettes across the room from each other at St. Mikes, Gabe was off in another hospital. Before the end of the day they had diagnosed what was going on your tummy Gabe but over night it got worse and they did the surgery the next day. Your dad, Gramma Robin and I sat in the waiting room for three hours waiting. I just couldn't believe this was happening to my brand new little boy. Daddy’s cell phone kept ringing, the whole family was so worried. We found out later that the surgeon that did your surgery is world famous and had separated Siamese twins before. After the surgery you were at Sick Kids for another two weeks and Daddy and I and sometimes Gramma Robin spent our days traveling back and forth giving you both as much love as we could.

Gabe, even though you had been the sick one, you learned to eat long before Bea. You would power back your whole feed from a bottle while Bea, you would get about half way and fall asleep. Bea, you struggled with latching but once Gabe realized where a meal was coming from he found a way to attached himself. The end of our stay at St.Mikes was only about getting feeding down and it was nice to relax and start to get to know you both. I have gotten to know you better and better every day and you two are the neatest little people.

Bea, you are the comedian. You are constantly mugging and making faces. You are noisy, grunting and groaning along with your coos and squeals. You are always making everyone laugh. You want to snuggle all the time and sleep better if Daddy and I let you sleep with us. You like nothing more then being held tightly. You are a very pretty little chub pot that is only just learning to look at people directly. You are way ahead of Gabe on holding your head up and hand eye coordination. We are sure that you will be turning over soon. That and you can fart like a full grown adult.

Gabe you are sweet curiosity. We can sit you up on the couch on your own and just let you look around. When held you stare deeply into your cuddlers eyes especially if they are feeding you. You are a bit of a spitter-upper and we have had to be careful how soon we put you down after a meal and about burping you but you are a strong eater which makes this whole process easier. You also don’t mind sleeping alone and will sleep the first stretch of the night in the crib in Mommy and Daddy’s room alone. As nice as it is that you are so independent, I think your dad and I both hope that once the ostomy has been reversed that you will like to snuggle up as much as Bea. You aren’t as verbal as your sister and only make noise if you have something to say.

I am tired, you guys are up every 3 hours to eat but I am crazy about you and miss you while you are sleeping. Just please give me enough time to write these notes to you cause I don’t want to forget a thing.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

these children were born exactly one week later, october 27th. and as i sit here, typing with one hand, fore the other holds the male child, i tell you that they are what love is and what life is all about and why poetry is written. go forth and propagate!!!!

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

It was such a tight fit that my water broke 3 days later on the 23rd of October. I was admitted into the hospital that night not having gone into labour and the waiting game began. I sat in the hospital for 5 days before the babies came and that was too soon.

Saturday, 20 October 2007

I am almost 32 weeks pregnant now and from what I have read it is supposed to be getting tight in there for the little guys. They say you won't feel such intense movement but should still feel squirming. I still feel tons of movement from both of them and in fact often think that they have challenged each other to wrestling matches.

Other Moms have warned me that this was the hardest time for them. The waiting in that last couple of weeks. But now that I know that they are OK and big and healthy, I don't worry as much as I did around 16 weeks. For me that was the hardest time.
At 16 weeks I started to bleed. Hubs and I rushed to the hospital to be told after a very long wait that there is nothing they could do if I was loosing the pregnancy. The babies aren't viable yet...........aren't viable...what a strange way to refer to life. There was some peace in the nonviable 'ness' of it all. Not that I had a way out because going through that door was too painful to even imagine but I wasn't totally sold on being pregnant. I thought we would walk through the doors at emergency and they would rush to me, whisking me away and hooking me up to machines that go 'ping' and I would feel the sheer importance of what I was doing but we sat in the waiting room for 6 hours. Their response confirmed how I felt about the whole pregnancy thing, stunned, shocked and unable to respond appropriately. It was the longest 6 hours of my life, everything about that moment decided what our future held. Do I prepare for all the pain of loss or do I prepare for all the worry of figuring out what is wrong. Am I prepared to deal with either of those?

24 hours later we walked out of emergency with no answers. The bleeding has slowed down and the babies were fine. They had no idea. We went through it all again 5 days later and they still didn't know and they still weren't 'viable'. One doctor was kind and summed it up, she said that even with all the medical advances, embryology is still relatively unknown and most of it is still magic. Why did that sit better with me then anything else I had been told? Maybe because the conception of these babies was so medical? Just to have one scrap of 'magic' in this pregnancy changed everything. I stopped feeling like a medical petrie dish and like something magic was happening and maybe for the first time realize how much against the odds these beings are determined to be here and I needed to trust the magic. And then the real magic happened, I started to feel like a mom.

Friday, 19 October 2007

There is a moment, does everyone have it? Before you are totally awake that life hasn't set in yet. You have just opened your eyes but the reality of your life hasn't started.

I remember when I was had just separated from my first husband, that that 30 seconds of ignorance was the best of my day. Then the weight of the pain and sadness would settle in and the dread of the facing the day being only part of what you use to be. Rebuilding that part took a long time and maybe still isn't done, at least the shame stays.

Now I have a completely different experience. When I first wake up, that 30 seconds doesn't remember that I am pregnant, that 30 seconds doesn't remember that my whole world is about to be turned up side down and I am just me in the dim with the sound of a fan. I could be 5 years old or still a teenager or as life settles in realize that I am very old and at the end of my journey. But in that few seconds, as the hard drive reboots, I'm really ok and then I try to move and the weight of my belly reminds me and I am...................so much more then ok.......

Thursday, 18 October 2007

Pregnancy is weird and sometimes very gross. Some of this is covered in the book 'The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy' which I would recommend to anyone that is thinking that getting pregnant would be a good way to keep their boyfriend. It should be mandatory reading for all high school girls.

But the stuff they can't cover is the stuff that is going to be specific to you. The gross "Emily is pregnant" specials. Like, what is this valve thingy under my left rib that blubs and gurgles every time I eat or drink or lean back. With every swallow of liquid I can feel it and hear it.

Or why are my ankles soooo swollen? Not my whole leg or even my feet but my ankles. Like I have flesh colored weights around my ankles for controlled yet affective workouts. I get bruising from socks that are a little too tight.

Or why my sudden penchant for cankers? It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, I get cankers. I can get them bad enough that my whole tongue will feel swollen and too big for my mouth. Like my tongue is pregnant too.

Extra body hair.....everywhere!! I have always been fairly consistent about staying on top of my grooming practices and for the last maybe 7 years this has included pulling the occasional hair out of my chin. This has become especially true since I started having thyroid problems, but pregnancy seems to exacerbate this problem. They grow faster and darker and in truth it isn't just the chin hairs.............ALL your hair get thicker and grows faster.....ALL of your hair, even the hair that you can no longer see.....wink wink.....One night while laying in the tub I was trying to peak over my huge tummy to see what had become of what I could only assume was pubic hair biker shorts. I could only see the very tips of the hairs. My husband caught me doing this and when I explained how much of it I could see, his reply with wide eyes was "that's only the canopy of the forest babe"

I won't even go into the acne, constipation, hemorrhoids, or the huge quantities vaginal discharge. If that doesn't keep your boyfriend around I don't know what else will!!!

Monday, 15 October 2007

Today is the first day that I truely don't HAVE to do something. We have been so busy around here and the pressure is on to be ready for the arrival. It is like the months of planning that it takes to be ready for Christmas.

This weekend was the baby shower. I haven't even been to very many of these but this was a big one...FOR US!! We had close to 60 people and it took me over an hour to open all the presents.......the spouse didn't help at all.....I find this kind of intense attention over whelming but because everyone is so truely excited about these babies, it made it so much fun.

A million pictures were taken and because I always have such good fortune, my aunt Lizzie sat beside me during the gift opening, my aunt Lizzie who weights about 100lbs soaking wet and is maybe 5' tall. Now I am big, I'm almost 8 months pregnant with twins for gods sake! But if there is going to be documentation of the hugeness, does it have to be me with the smallest person we could find??? Besides that, you put 60 people in our house and it gets hot, so I am this bright red volcano about to burst in all the pictures. It almost looks like I am having a temper tantrum and holding my breath until I get the present I want!!

Thursday, 11 October 2007

"The faintest star in the night sky is Van Biesbroeck's star. It's only about as big as the Earth and is just .002 percent as luminous as our sun. Every other heavenly light outshines it. From one perspective, then, it's a puny little thing. And yet it is visible despite the fact that it's almost 19 light years away from us. From that point of view, it's an amazingly intense, potent, brilliant body. Is there anything about you that resembles Van Biesbroeck's star, Virgo? I think there is. Celebrate and show off that part of you in the coming week. "I am forever in love with Rob Brezney's horoscopes. They always make me feel a little special and never at a loss. He would never say..."You are small and unimportant and not as special as 'this other person'. Everyone else is better than you. Everyone thinks you are nothing and don't count. And when you aren't in the room, we talk about you constantly. In fact no one talks about anything else. Why when you don't count so much do we talk about you so much? You think this makes you special and you show it off."He could've said that but I like his interpretation better....

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Baby books will tell you that you 'might' have very vivid dreams during your pregnancy...........This is an understatement!!!!

My dreams have ranged from crazy sex romps with other women, yes I have had 'lez-bean' dreams, although the first one happened during 'Pride' weekend here in Toronto and I thought maybe I was just celebrating diversity....subconsciencely...., to dreams about death or the most recurrent, the single parent dream!! I am searching desperately for the man that is the father of my children and can't find him anywhere or if I do find him, he is completely indifferent to the pregnancy and shrugs. Where this fear comes from I have no idea, cause if anything I am married to a man that is more excited about these kids then I am.......maybe cause he doesn't have to imagine their 'exit strategy'. Like Bush, this is something I never considered either!! I also dream about food a lot........

But mostly I barely sleep at all. I have always been a very heavy sleeper but now just the feeling of my fingernails growing is keeping me up. Or the dogs latest, incessant butt licking!!!! The sound of her slurping grunts while she licks her bum......leaving small wet spots in her wake...who could sleep through that??

Saturday, 6 October 2007

I had to....MySpace it couldn't support my HTML photo heavy code, templates and flash links ........I have no idea what I'm talking about....it's total bullshit.

I am still working out the kinks but I think with a good coat of paint we might like it here.

In truth I wanted to continue blogging but not have it attached to so much personal information including a list of friends etc. This way the door is open to write instead of write to: the 4 people that read my musings on MySpace.

I am feeling a need to keep track of this amazing time in my life. I kept writing at my old blog site through an IVF cycle that my husband and I were secretly going through. There was such a huge chance of it not working that we told almost no one, excluding our parents and most of our friends, in hopes of not letting anyone down. For this reason I never wrote about the "cycling" as they call it in the infertility world. I now regret this and wish that more of it was documented. I guess putting it to paper or screen would've made it all too real..... and it was real enough. So now I don't want to miss a second of this....pregnancy and babies, for me but maybe for them, the twins that are due in 7 weeks!!

Saturday, 1 September 2007

Today while waiting in the car while the darling husband quickly went to the bank machine, a cube truck stopped at the red light beside the car. The side of the truck was advertising some mortgage company's commitment to me owning a home which I don't at the moment. The picture was a woman falling backwards from seated on a sofa because her daughter had obviously just run at her and jumped into her arms. The girl was slightly airborn and laughing down at her smiling Mom. Nothing was particularly strange about this ad other than the HUGE amount of bird shit on the poster including a big blob situated so it looked like it was coming out of the daughters open laughing mouth. Suddenly Moms smiling face seemed more like a look of terror and owning a home not the lovely experience I would assume.

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

I want to remember all the funny things that have made me laugh, like really laugh! The stuff that is just as funny when you think of it years later.

1. Its the 80's and I am in highschool and going over to my friend Stephanie's house after school. She lives on Ward's Island, one of the islands of Toronto Islands. We are in line for the ferry. There are two rockers in front of us. Both in tight jeans, jean jackets and mullets. One of them has a licence plate sewn to the back of his jacket and an ac/dc patch. If you don't live in Toronto, the one thing you might not know is the 'Toronto Islands' are islands..........meaning they are not attached at the main land!! The ferry is the only way to get there (although there has been an ongoing political battle to build a bridge) There are 4 or 5 islands, Hanlands Point, Ward's Island, Centre Island, amung others. The ferry is running a little late. Rocker 1 "Fuck man this sucks" Rocker 2 "Fuck the Ferry, we'll walk to Centre Island, have a joint on the way" I still use this saying when it it time to leave somewhere.

2. I am sitting in the livingroom of the house I grew up in. I am with Stephanie (same girl from above) and Caitlin. We are talking about our favorite toys when we were kids. I tell them all about my Barbie obsession that would continue till today if it was cool among the 30 something set. I had Golden Dream Barbie, Active Sports Barbie and Pretty in Pink Barbie,Wonder Woman, a Ken doll and a bunch of others. Steph had one Barbie only and her dog chewed the boobs off of it. Caitlin asked which Barbie it was, "was it Radical Mastectomy Barbie?"

3. This past Christmas I gave my cousin Noah a new 'Moleskin' notepad and nice pen. I give him this almost every year because I know he uses it and likes it. Other years it is a good book. This year someone asked what 'moleskin' was, and because I am a smart ass, I said that it is the oily skin that is left in the toilet after a terrible crap. Noah countered with "No, I think that is a 'bowlskin'"

4. My husband Mike and I have a couple of friends over on a Sunday afternoon. One of them, Graham, is a terrible smartass and always has loads of gossip and funny stories for us. We hadn't seen him in a couple of years so he was full of funny stories. Some how the topic of his exgirlfriends come up and why he still has trouble with women. My husband asks why he split up with Karen*, she was a really nice girl. Our other friend Scott remembers Karen and knew her family a little. Graham says he had to break up with her after seeing her mother, who didn't age well and knew what he had to look forward to in Karen. This started a litany of ugly jokes, Graham, Mike and I trying to out do eachother, "tears had to run down the back of her head for fear of crossing her face", "chewing your own arm off to escape in the morning", "If I had a dog that looked like her I would shave it's ass and teach it to run around backwards", back and forth, back and forth, laughing harder and harder every time. Scott, who has be quiet this whole time says "I met her Mom and she was really nice"...................silence...................Mike "I don't get it"
*name changed

5. I am a great watcher of people. And not in a snobby way, get a huge kick out of what people will leave the house thinking is acceptable to wear in public. One of my favorite things are bad t'shirts. I was on the streetcar going through Chinatown a couple of days ago and there was a big burley guy walking down the street, he has on a plain black t'shirt and jeans but was interesting to watch so I watched him as he walked by. It wasn't until his back was to me that I realized that he had his T'shirt on backwards. "WISH YOU WERE HERE" with a big arrow pointing to his ass. Wrong neighbourhood!!

6. Grammpa gets on the bus. He has his bowling bag with him, he is on his way to the lanes. He shuffles slowly, his feet never living the gorund. The bus driver waits till he is seated before moving forward. He sits opposite me, he is wearing a navy blue t'shirt that says "Bad MO FO" on the front.

7. Travelling home from school one day I am sitting close to the front of the streetcar. A lady gets on with her 7 year oldish daughter. She sits near the front too but mostly because he daughter has struck up a conversation with the driver. After a few stops of the daughter being in the way of new passengers trying to get on, her mom tries quietly to get her to come sit down "Tequila come sit down"......pause....."TEQUILA leave the driver alone and come sit down".....Tequila???

Thursday, 16 August 2007

I have had a very strange week. Nothing has changed, our future is still our future but the news we got has left me heartbroken. I haven't shed one tear, it felt unnesessary but my horoscope for this week made me cry.............

Virgo Horoscope for week of August 16, 2007
Jaeyana Beuraheng, a mother of eight, decided to travel from her small village in southern Thailand to Malaysia for a day-long shopping trip. But she accidentally boarded the wrong bus, transferred to another wrong bus, and ended up in a distant city where everyone spoke a language she didn't understand. Her money ran out, and she started begging in the streets. Accused of being an illegal immigrant, she was given shelter in a social services hostel. Years went by. Finally three people from her village visited the hostel by chance, and she was able to communicate in her native tongue. Through their assistance, she went home. The moral of the story, as far as you're concerned, is this: Whatever wrong turn you made, and however long ago it was, you're ready to go back home.

Friday, 10 August 2007

I have been feeling an incredible sense of duty to get stuff done. Like I have been told that I only have 6 months to live or that I will lose all my memory so I better document the important things now.

1. I have a huge pile of books on my bedside table that I just have to read in the next 3 months, none of them baby books.

2. The whole house has to be spotlessly clean and organized. I have been tearing apart closets and reorganizing everything.

3. Laundry!!!....why is there always so much laundry??

4. I am having some weird padantic need to have all the carpets cleaned.
5. That mountain of paperwork (bills, reciepts, school documents) that never seem to be filed................NEED TO BE FILED

6. All the rooms that I want to paint, need to be painted in the next few weeks but I'm not allowed to do it, so someone else has to come over and paint my house, in the fashion and with the attention to detail that I would use in painting my house.

7. The box of pictures that we never put in photo albums needs to be done.

8. We are two years behind on our taxes because there is a ton of crap to go through to document 2005 and my attempt at running my own business.

9. We need new lamps in our bedroom. The two we have in there were great at the old house but here and the slanty ceilings, they reflect the light to much and if one of us is reading it is like to trying to sleep in the outfield of a baseball game. We need something smaller, wall mounted and shoots the light down just for the person on that side of the bed.

10. We need to get the carseats preperly installed in the car but this needs to be timed right. If we do it too soon, we will never be able to drive a third person or much stuff in the back seat because it will be taken up with the seat bases (the part you never remove) But we also have to get it done before there is any possible chance of the babies coming because they won't release us from the hospital without them.

11. I am feeling some panic about catching up on all the tv that I want to watch when the new season starts. Now that we have a PVR I can actually commit to a program and see that commitment through. My darling husband and I love LOST and managed to watch the first season on DVD but never was able to follow the second season when it started that fall. We always forget when that stuff is on and have missed two weeks of it before we remember that we like that show. So now we have been renting the second season and I hope to watch the third before the new one starts this fall. They are starting their fourth season this fall right??

12. I have knitting to do. What kind of new parent would I be if I didn't make them something when I have made all the other new babies stuff??

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

The hardest part of a divorce or break up is the loss the future. All the plans and things you could count on, like them being around. Now what??

On Sunday I got an update on a woman who has been my very good friend and support buddy through the IVF and pregnancy process. I hadn't heard from her in a while and have to admit that I had worried. Last week at 19 weeks pregnant she lost her twins. 19 weeks of plans and dreams and counting on that they would be around. 19 weeks!! 19 weeks. Such a short amount of time but enough time that you plan the rest of your life on it. You plan on change and upset and sleepless nights, you plan on the chaos and tons of laughter. 19 weeks of wondering what they look like, smell like and what their name is. 19 weeks of hope and excitment. 19 weeks is 4 and half months. Really no time at all but just enough to get really attached to the idea and fall in love.

I am 19 weeks pregnant.............

Comments

8:58
OK, all very valid points, BUT your friend, I am sure, has issues that you DON'T. Remember your ability to carry and keep has never been the issue...I have decided that it is impossible to live your life in fear of attachment, if you want to enjoy life anyway. Loss sucks to be sure, but the build up, the anticipation and the completion of MOST our dreams makes it all worth it. And in 6 days you will be 20 weeks. :) Damn, it feels good to be on the other side of this conversation! You will be fine, CUZ I said so! It's all good.

Thursday, 12 July 2007

I'm tired. The kind of tired where I'm too tired to worry about what I should be doing but too tired to sleep. I just can't think.

Life isn't easy right now but there is nothing I can do about it. I am currently learning the hardest lesson of my life, faith in the universe and giving the responsibility to someone else, or a better way of say it, having faith in others. I have never been a religious person, I have always thought that Christianity would be great if it wasn't for the Christians, but I have always been a person of great faith, or so I thought.

Pregnancy asks you to believe. To believe in your body, the magic of creation and the simple belief that everything will be ok. The latter is the hardest for me. I can't believe everything will be ok, there have been too many bumps on this road and I'm not allowed to steer or look out the windsheild and I'm tired. Even my ever faithful spouse is at the end of his faith rope which has always seemed endless and given me security. Maybe he is tired too.

How can I have faith when this body that seemed so determined to have these babies is now failing all three of us. It can't keep up with us and it is weak and injured. All I can do is rest it and tell it how this isn't forever, we just have to make it to the finish line. I have to tell it to have faith, I think it hears the disbelief in my voice.

Saturday, 9 June 2007

There is something about being told that you are pregnant that makes you an instant Mama. You have to start acting 'Mamaish' to test out the new job title. There are a few things that have always been 'mamalike' about me, including that for years I was the friend that everyone turned to when things went wrong, needed a place to stay, someone to listen etc. I have saved alot of people. But a few years ago I had to stop. After a horrible stretch of locked in the house anxiety attacks I decided I had to do something. I started to study Buddhism and started listening to me and stopped listening to everyone else. I had to, everyone was stressing me out. When I stopped and only worried about me, I was a better me. I could enjoy everything about life more, I saw the details.

I know two people that have had a hard go lately and they are the only ones that I have let in. That I will listen to because their pain is real. One is my cousin and the other is my best friend. They both deserve and need the mama in me and she will be here as long as they need her but in truth, their recent troubles have shown me how far I have come. By getting quiet I put my feet on the ground, by getting quiet I found that I really don't care that much how many other people like me, by getting quiet I got really good at making boarders and bounderies of what is acceptable in my life. By getting quiet I think I finally figured out what really does make me happy instead of what I have been told makes you happy. I had been so busy trying to be bigger and louder thinking it would make me more someone I liked that I stopped listening to what I was saying and in truth what I needed. Sometimes I think this is why my favorite girls are in pain. Maybe we all just have to be really really quiet for a while. Stop listening to what other people claim will make us happy, stop worrying about what hasn't happened that is suppose to make us happy, stop trying so hard to live up to crazy expectations, most of which if we thought really hard about it were forced on us by someone else. Just stop.

I figured out what makes me happy, the smell of clean laundry, fresh cut grass especially if there is camomile in it. Really laughing, out loud when you can barely breathe and have tears in your eyes, this happens so rarely that I actually remember the last couple of times and can still laugh about it. The sound of a baby laughing, the way my husband looks at me when I make him laugh. My dog running, the way she smells and her ears. Really good books, the one that you just can't put down. The way the wind sounds in the trees on a hot day. My bed. Being under water. Bagels with good cream cheese. The first sip of tea or coffee in the morning. People watching. Shoes. Getting real mail. Being good at something, anything. Saturday mornings. Dancing. Long walks. Singing along with a song you know all the words to. Silence. If I get one of these things everyday for the rest of my life I will be happy and none of them were what I had originally been looking for.

Comments

CJaneLove. It's all for you. And thanks, for everything.

8:58OMG, I just read this. Yer so smart, beautiful and my favorite person in the world. I am right behind you. Quiet...hmmmm...then my head starts making noise.One of the last times I had one of those make-you cry-belly hurts laughs was with you. :) It's all good. Your two favorite girls have landed on their feet, it just might seem like we have drank a bottle of rum at times..never could have done it without your love and acceptance with ZERO expectations. There is something to be said for someone who will let you fall flat on your face, and stay there, and say nothing.You and I both have chased the same crazy notion of making dead people proud of us; it is time to make us proud of us; or hell, not making anybody proud.Much Love to a cousin who is so much more a sister and best friend...Peace Out,Cuz, The Elder

Friday, 20 April 2007

It's true. I have been unfaithful..........I am cheating on MySpace. After defending it's honour so many times, I have turned to Facebook. The spouse has had tons of luck finding loads of old grade and highschool and college chums. He is the most popular guy at Facebook. He found his grade three first girlfriend..........and a network of graduates from his highschool. To do any searches on my past I had to join.....so I did. And I have found 3 people..THREE PEOPLE!!!! One from highschool and two from somewhere I worked 3 years ago.......cause they would be hard to find! The only other friends I have on top of that are ones that the darling spouse has as well.......and they noticed I was on the site........mostly people that I have as friends here on MySpace. One thing that I will give FaceBook, they make it WAY easier to search for people. I have had a really hard time finding people here on MySpace.........but really.....who am I lookin for???

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

So I have been back to school for 2 days......that's 3 classes so far. And I am already struggling with some of the very young girls in our class. Yesterday in our very first class a young maybe 20 year old who I will call.......um 'Oxana' was about 20 minutes late for class. The campus is complicated and it is easy to get lost so the teacher didn't say anything. As the 5 hour class progressed the teacher made a point of giving us the low down on her class rules. 1. Don't be late or don't bother interrupting. 2. Turn off your cell phone 3. If you are going to miss a class for any reason leave a message with front desk.....among other things. All of her requests/rules were all fair and respectful. Not 20 minutes after she gave these rules, Oxana's phone rings, she answers it and walks out of the class. When she returned about 10 minutes later the teacher repeated the rules and told her if it happened again, she would be marked absent from class (this school is so intensive that if you miss 2 classes, it's instant failure)

Today Oxana was late again, slipped in and sat behind me. Different teacher so she wasn't marked absent but during the lecture she started talking to the girl sitting beside her, about her boyfriend, at full volume. Now these classes are small, like 5 - 20 students small so if someone is talking, it is hard to ignore. After about 10 minutes of this and the teacher saying nothing I put up my hand. The teacher looked to me to ask my question but instead I asked if she would excuse me for a moment and I turned to the offending girls. "I didn't pay enormous amounts of money to hear you talk!" I then turned back to the teacher and said sorry. The teacher winked at me and continued on...

Thursday, 5 April 2007

Tuesday of this week was orientation at the 'new school'. We had to meet with student finance, our program director, get all our books and supplies, log into our student portal and then meet for a "Pizza Party" in the auditorium where they took a picture for our student cards. Now this school, besides well know for it's interior design program, is known for its computer animation/graphics program and of the students that are starting this semester, about 75% of them are DnD playing, gaming, Myst card carrying, thick glasses wearing bon-A-fide GEEKS. All of whom felt that a very serious picture on their student card would make them more socially acceptable. Picture after picture as I moved my way up the line, the photographer would do a count down, "3" Student would look into camera, "2" Student would furrow eyebrows together in serious 'deep in thought' pose, "1" Student would tilt head so chin was leaning closer to the camera then forehead and some would flatten lips in strange straight line smile making everyone one of them look like the news anchor from the Muppet Show.....

Being one of only seven, yes SEVEN interior design students accepted this semester, I went a different route

While eating our pizza, the school president spoke to us about the demands of post secondary school, the quanities of homework and demands on our time. He then announced to a room full of people with pocket protectors that they might as well throw out their 'little black books' because they won't have time for a social life.

Bobby Meanswell
Ahem... do you have a problem with "DnD playing, gaming, Myst card carrying, thick glasses wearing" people? I hope not. I really do. Because I would have to..um....set phasers to stun...errr...

8:58
Poor Geeks...although I can totally see you laughing at them while they got their picture taken, freakin' too funny.

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

I have been getting nasty message, notes and comments that I haven't updated my blog in a long time. I had no idea that my musings were held so dear. MY FANS.....my darling fans.........this is why I have been unable to write. I have been very busy.

I have been busy running for Miss Florida

Miss First Coast Emily Martin 23

Stop Smoking Before It Starts

University of Central Florida

Vocal - Why Haven't I Heard From You?

$3,000 Scholarship

I Have also been singing for the Grand Rapids MI Opera and teaching numerous Yoga and spinning classes

Lyric Soprano Emily Martin is an artist whose career includes appearances on the opera, orchestral and musical theater stages. Besides singing principal roles with companies around the country, she has also been a guest artist in classical and pops concerts with orchestras coast to coast and Europe, including debuts at Carnegie Hall and Avery Fisher Hall. Her repertoire includes leading ladies from Susanna, Musetta and Donna Anna to Valencienne, Gretel and Adele. Recently making her debut at The Santa Fe Opera in Peter Grimes, and performing her first Violetta in La Traviata this spring, Emily is looking forward to going back to Chautuaqua this summer.
Emily is certified as a Yoga instructor, Spinning instructor and Reiki practioner. She is also actively pursuing her certifications in personal training and nutrition. Her goal is to maintain her own level of fitness to further her singing career as well as offer her services to other singers to help them acheive and maintain a level of fitness, making their singing strong from the outside in. Please see the "Fit" page for more information.

And with my teaching and writing, when do I have time for Blogging?

Emily Martin

Professor of AnthropologyPh.D. Cornell University 1971.

Research interests include anthropology of science and medicine, gender, money and other measures of value, the ethnography of work, China, U.S.Publications (under the name Emily Martin Ahern until 1984)Books:1973. The Cult of the Dead in a Chinese Village. Stanford: Stanford University Press, reprinted 1988.(Authorized Taiwan edition, Caves Books, 1977, 1986.) 1981. Chinese Ritual and Politics. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. The Anthropology of Taiwanese Society, coedited with Hill Gates. Stanford: Stanford University Press. (Authorized Taiwan edition, Caves Books 1981; reprinted SMC Publishing, 1997.)1987. The Woman in the Body: A Cultural Analysis of Reproduction. Boston: Beacon Press.English edition, 1989, Open University Press. German translation, 1989 Die Frau im Krper, Campus Verlag. Winner of Eileen Basker Memorial Prize, 1988Second Edition, 1992Third Edition, forthcoming, 20011994. Flexible Bodies: Tracking Immunity in American Culture from the Days of Polio to the Age of AIDS, Beacon Press. (Japanese translation, 1997)

First and last pop-ups constructed using assorted Asian, Western and dollhouse papers. Three middle pop-ups constructed using a handmade cotton and Philippine gampi paper made for the project by Bridgett O'Malley of Cave Paper. Text and figures printed in letterpress on BFK white and buff papers from polymer plates. Font is American Typewriter. Housed in cloth clamshell box with paper title on spine. Paper title label on front of matching cloth covered book boards.
Begun in 2001, Sleepers, Dreamers & Screamers was derailed by events of 9-11. The text was rewritten in the aftermath.
We've all had nightmares. Vivid as they may be there is always that sweet release upon waking. But what happens when events in our waking lives surpass even our most horrific dreams. Where is our release now?
$850I'm really very tired.....

Comments

8:58
OMG, that is too funny, you are a freakin' riot!

Bobby Meanswell
I feel your pain. I have a certain 'Mr. M' who is most distraught if I don't update my blog. Fame can be hard...

BoomerI never knew your mom's name was Rose Mary. Cool. That makes you Rose Mary's baby.

Monday, 19 March 2007

Last night like every night, the spouse and I both lay in bed reading because as you all know we live in a domestic utopia....

I am nearing the end of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (again) and He is reading something to do with pesticides? When I turned to the next totally enthralling page I found a pubic hair (or what looked like one) tucked nicely between the pages. I picked it out and showed it to him.

I was in a drug store the other day buying something that is none of your business but because the lines at all the cashiers were so long I thought I would pay at the pharmacy counter to save a few minutes.

There was a man, maybe mid forties, slightly over weight, terrible acne, huge sweat stains in his arm pits (it's march!?) breathing loudly in front of me picking up his prescriptions. His english wasn't great and the pharmacist was trying explain how to use his various medications.
"Take one of this when you go to bed" She shock the pill jar and then lay her head in her hands pretending to be asleep. He nodded that he understood.

"This one for your face" gesturing by making a circle around her face with her hand "Two times" shaking a peace sign in his face. He nodded.

"And this one.....well...this one is for .......ah" I noticed a pause in the progress of me moving up the line. I leaned forward a bit, thinking maybe my years of acting classes might come in assistance......the pharmasist was holding presciption strength hemorroid cream in one hand and the applicator in the other.

Wednesday, 14 March 2007

The Beasts in the cave have been fighting!! No, not just fighting - screaming! There is something soooo weird about not knowing anything about someone's life except what they fight about.

She thinks that he is lazy and messy and could do more around the house.
He thinks that she is nagging and shouldn't take her bad days out on him.
BUT THEY DO IT THIS LOUD!!!

The spouse and I haven't had a screamer in a really long time. The closest we have come to a fight recently...........hemmmmmmmmm....

We have had to start figuring out what we are going to do about our finances once he is the sole wage earner (april). At the moment I am the one in charge of 'the books' and although he contributes heavily to the $$ pot I have always been kinda resentful that I have to 'worry' about the money. He claims that he would do it if I let him but he thinks that I don't trust him to get it done right.

Last week I was in the kitchen making dinner when he received an email informing him that he bounced his car insurance payment (this is the only bill he pays). I figured out what had happened by his cursing and mumbling. I walked into the study with 'that' look, the one that kinda says 'I told you so' mixed with 'I TOLD YOU SO!'. He took one look at me and told me to FUCK OFF!

CJaneMaybe the beasts will split up and I get their place!!! Ohhh, you should encourage this behaviour by stamping around at 3am (to wake them up and make them extra tired and grouchy) and blaring Rush at the same time. That would make anyone mental.

ME
Or maybe talk really loudly to Mike about how uncomfortable it makes me that Rob (guy downstairs) is always hitting on me. That might work too

8:58
OR, you can act like your neighbors on Pape..I am quite sure that will make them move out; after you get Mike out of jail you can go get C8 from the train station and she can move it the newly vacated cave. :)
Posted by 8:58 on Sunday, March 18, 2007 at 23:43

Friday, 9 March 2007

In all of my perfect Zenness (yes it's a word), I try not to be attached to my 'things', 'bow-lllooong-ings' but it's hard. I like my 'stuff', my shiit!

So where is all my shit?? Like where are my Harry Potter Movies???? I used to have all three, now I just have number 3. Or where is my new Madonna CD? I have the case, proof that I owned it at some point but where is the actual disk? Or my knitting book, the one that was the size of a magazine but had a very good section to describe really hard stitches?......where the f%^$k is that?? Or I swear that at some point I owned a brown leather purse but now it seems that I only have black ones? And for that matter, I thought I owned some red leather gloves, but they aren't in with our winter stuff. Or my copy of 'The Professor and The Madman'? one of my all time favorite books.....GONE!! And my waist, where the hell did my waist go?

8:58You have absolutely lost your mind.......maybe ALL of it is wherever you left yer mind!

little Miss Imitationwhen you find those 'red gloves' can i borrow them? i feckin' love red:)
seriously...i'll trade you for the waist...yes it was me...thought you wouldn't notice:(
but i'll return it...but only if i can borrow those gloves
PWAEASE!!!???

BobbyMeanswell
I have a confession to make. I believe I have in my posession the first installment of Harry Potter, borrowed in 2003 from you, and collecting dust among my DVD's: A transgression that I shant easily forgive myself for. I will return said DVD with a thousand pardons. I however have no knowledge of your knitting books...

ME
BAS Tard

Unforgivable.....hey do you have both 1 and 2?

Bobby MeanswellNah. I only have the first one. Anyway, I'm not the only one. If I'm not mistaken my books "Godforsaken Sea" and Earnest Shackleton's "South" are somewhere among your books, borrowed many moons ago by your spouse and never returned to the rightful owner, i.e. 'Me'. I believe a hostage exchange is in order.

ME
It's true, negotiations shall begin. Call out number between 7:01 and 7:02 tonight. Let it ring twice then hang up. We will return call between 8:47 and 8:48, letting it ring once to confirm that we received your call. Then......wait.....what was I talking about?

CJaneOk, wait a minute. I was going to confess about a few things, but I have a question first. Mike borrowed books? Since when does Mike READ??? Isn't he too busy with hockey, trees, funny videos, beer and farting?
I have several books, I think. Freakanomics, for sure, and probably more. I dont think I have any movies or cd's though. And no purses, shoes, makeup, waist or Harry freakin' Potter.

Wednesday, 7 March 2007

It's true kids, time does go faster as you get older. It is now 33 days till I start school.....can you believe it?! I get excited just thinking about the smell of school supplies, sharpening my pencils, a new school bag. That was about the only thing I ever liked about back to school, that and the clothes. That reminds me, what should I wear the first day?......

I haven't really be suffering from the fear of "commitment" (yes I am making "" marks with my fingers!) See, I was never one of "thooooose people" (yes I'm doing it again) that had a "calling"(maybe again) I have always been interested in way too many things. The idea of commiting to one thing for "the rest of my life"(ok again) put the "fear of God" (and again) in me. So I settled......for "mediocrity" (yes......and?) Even my "limited career" (and your point is?) as an actress, there was no real "commitment" (I had to do it again!) made. My job "really" (it's an addiction) was to go to auditions, very rarely was I "a working actress" (I'll stop, I promise) And by calling myself an actress, it "excused" (just the one more time) me from ever commiting to "waitressing"(ok maybe one more) which is what I was really doing. But waitressing wasn't "cool" (soooooo hard to stop) and certainly not challenging. So as my brain died, I had to get over the "shit" (how could I resist ""ing shit?)

I just want "a little peanut life" (and this, how could I not "" this?) one that I am not "ashamed" (don't judge me) of, and one that I can come home from a days work and not need to rant for over an hour to "recover" (it had to be done) from. As long as I keep sniffing these new "back to school" (so) markers, I have been able to keep the the "commitment" (last time, I promise) demon at bay

Monday, 26 February 2007

So I am so very alone for a few days.......the spouse is off WINTER CAMPING...... I would use a font that had icicles hanging from it if such a thing existed. I guess I should be use to his great outdoors sports man likeness but some of it just seems........well dumb. I find sitting in my livingroom looking out the window about as much of winter as I can stand. I just don't get the attraction, it's COLD and usually WINDY and sometimes WET. You have to wear tons of clothing most of which smashes down your arm hairs in the wrong direction. And SOCKS!! Who invented this torturess device?? AND there just isn't any pretty winter footwear.....I could go on

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

I am in the midst of getting weekly acupuncture. Every week in very different points then the week before. Sometimes for stress, sometimes for a very cleansing period, I know I know.....yuck right!?, and sometimes to increase my Chi. But I have been amazed at my body's reactions to the treatment.

The one point that I enjoy the most is right between the eyebrows, in my "third eye". I have never been so relaxed and easy going in my life. They say that it is a grounding point but to me it is like smoking pot. I feel a warm cozy feeling in my heart, relaxed and happy. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist and she said that I could achieve the same feeling with acupressure (not using needles but your fingers)The spouse has even noticed a difference in me, and has commented on how much easier I am to live with. I guess he really likes the change cause I woke up this morning with him intently poking my third eye.

Wednesday, 31 January 2007

I have been so focused on this that now I am second guessing everything. Do I really want this? Should I be doing this? Why am I doing this? Can we afford this? WHAT AM I DOING? I do this everytime I make a decision to do anything whether it be a new job, relationship, move of house. The day I signed the paper work to sell our house, suddenly maybe I liked the house and didn't want to move.....the day after I married the boyfriend of 5 1/2 years, maybe I don't want to be married, maybe this isn't such a good idea......and now school.....this is what I do, the fear kicks in, the "whether I can do this".......stupid right? Cause I can do anything....right?.......gosh, maybe I wanna.......

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

CommentsLil Miss Imitation
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
i was wondering what i should be telling people i've caught...or ah...got:)
not actually sure it's contagious
and OMGoodness although it only says it's like 10pm something...it's almost 2am and i have to be up in less than 5 hours..
my point...now i'll be up all night!!!
thanks a lot
lol
well at least i'll have a good answer when they ask why i'm so tired
'well someone elses boyfriend kept me up half the night'
funny stuff lady:)

I promised C8 that I would never do this but I have posted a picture of MY dog. We have this new fancy lens for the camera. Super zoom lens and I have to admit that I am having WAY to much fun with it. Mostly standing in my bedroom window zooming into the neighbours house across the street. I'm not nosey, maybe I'm fighting crime.........or solving mysteries........DON'T JUDGE ME!!

Tuesday, 23 January 2007

I accidentally made the most DE-YUMMY dinner last night. So yummy that I have to tell the world......!!!!

As a Christmas gift, my naturopath student/working weekends at the finest of health food stores friend gave us an organic boneless lamb leg. I know this sounds weird but if you knew what a foody I am, well you'd know what a perfect gift it is. This being such a beautiful piece of meat, I wondered what to do with it. Maybe just roast it with the classic Greek spices but I was craving something else.

So here is what I did:
In a dutch oven type pan heated some EVOO, softened some onions, shallots and a tons of garlic. When done I pull them all out, in the same pan added a little more oil and put in the salt and pepered lamb leg that I had butterflyed and let it brown a little. Pulled it out and deglazed the pan with 3/4 a bottle of dry red wine, making sure to really scrap off the crispy bits. Added 3 tbsps of tomato paste and 1/2 a can of beef stock with water, oregano, 2 bay leaves and some thyme. Once bubbling I added the onion mixture and the lamb back in, put the lid on it and let it simmer for about an hour and a half, turning the meat over every 20 minutes. This made this very tender cut of meat soooooo tender. I pulled the meat out and let it rest for a little while and let the sauce reduce while cooking some basmati rice. To finish the sauce, I added a large pat of butter and about 1/3 of a cup of heavy cream. This made it very stroganoff in feeling. I sliced the meat in thin strips that put on top of a plate of rice and generously covered it in sauce. AND OMG!

CommentsCJane
I'd eat that! I had stale crackers and a bowl of cereal for dinner last night, nummy. At least I am not Rose, she had CAT FOOD!!! HAHAHAAAAIO@!&$(*&

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

Today I had lunch with a friend that I haven't seen in a really long time. She is one of "those" friends that I love and always have fun with but can only take in small doses. Since seeing her last, she married her boyfriend. A wedding that we were invited to and didn't attend.

My spouse is VERY popular.....WAY more popular then me and way more popular then any one can deserve but because of his vast popularity, we get invited to ALOT of weddings. Like way more weddings then I would ever want to go to. And more often then not, he is in the wedding party so I get to eat my rubber chicken alone surrounded by strangers. It is amazing to me how many people call him one of their best friends. After 15 years, total strangers to me will ask him to be a groomsman. Who are these people!

That said, when this friend of mine invited us to her nuptials, I was flattered but annoyed. It would be our 4th wedding that summer and it was turning out to be the most expensive one. It was a ALL WEEKEND event!!! Apparently her marriage is so important that she needs me to celebrate their love for THREE days. Her parents were hosting a dinner on the Friday night, golf for the boys Saturday morning while the woman were at the spa, then the wedding was followed by a "special" brunch on Sunday morning. I wondered where in the schedule we all witnessed the consummation. Then maybe it would be worth the $400 a night resort! So adding this all together, $800 for the hotel, $120 for golf, at least $100 at the spa, a gift - probably $150= $1170!! This cost more then either of my weddings!! Added together!!! I don't like anyone THAT much!

We sent our regrets (my cousins wedding was thankfully the same weekend) and wished them happiness. But as we got closer to the date I realized that the cousins was the weekend before and we could've gone.

Because life is nothing but complicated, today I had to explain to this friend that not only was the cousins wedding the weekend before, but that the spouse and I eloped to Mexico the day before her wedding and had forgotten to tell her...............................even though we have spoken on the phone several times..............over the last four months. Truth is, I didn't forget to tell her, it's just that everytime we spoke, it was all about HER wedding, and HER marriage and HER ring etc and I just couldn't bring myself to steal the thunder. It was important to her to be a bride and have her day so I wanted to give her as much of that as I could seeing that I couldn't be there the actual day and giving her this is FREE!
But boy was she pissed to find out that I beat her to the alter by one day!!! I took a too big bite of my sandwich and told her I loved her ring!!!

CommentsF
Did you tell her that a thousand dollars per guest could've fed many starving babies? Given someone a life saving operation? Provided clothing for homeless children? Seen a poverty stricken kid through university?
Wedding shmedding!
What are people thinking? Well, only of themselves, clearly, and that's not how you have a successful marriage. (I speak theoretically and from a common sense standpoint, having never been 'married')
Bless you for quietly going to City Hall and having a guest list of three.

About Me

I have been a writer for as long as I remember – stories, diaries, letters and notes that got passed under desks. Now this is the tale of learning to homestead in the big city, attempting to raise a family in a clean and nutritious way, trying be a great mom, a good wife, a helpful friend and contributing world citizen and how to quickly recover from the epic failures of trying all the above. This is my Life as a Mama, Gluten Free Recipe Developer, Food Writer and Wife