Could this end any other way than an eye stabbing? Listen to this absolutely bat-shit crazy story, and you'll feel a whole lot better about the world.

"I have had the pleasure actually," he told US chat show legend Conan. "So I was in London and there was a GQ Award that I received and I said to my wife 'look I'm going to make a joke about Liam Gallagher and Liam Gallagher is going to be there' and she said 'do not do that - Liam Gallagher has a history of violence'. I said 'don't be ridiculous'."

He continued: "Anyway, so I could be a good husband I went up to Liam Gallagher before the awards show and I said 'listen, I'm going to make a joke about you, is that OK?' and he said 'yeah, no problem, go on, do it'. I said 'how's it going with your brother, Noel?' He said 'I don't speak to him'. I totally forgot about that.

"I went on stage, I didn't get round to saying the joke, cut to the afterparty later on, he's sitting next to Bono on a couch, and I go and sit next to Bono and Liam Gallagher looks at me and he goes 'oi, you - who's the fucking greatest living rock star? I'm sitting next to Bono and Liam Gallagher and I don't know who to say so I go 'I don't know, Stevie Wonder?' He goes 'Stevie Wonder? Stevie Wonder is fucking popular', he goes 'syphilis is popular'. So I say 'actually syphilis isn't that popular any more' and he goes 'shut the fuck up', which is nice."

"I don't know, Bono?" Liam replies however, that it is John Lennon.

Cohen's friend then retorts "but you said 'living' rockstar?" before Galllagher retorts: "John Lennon is alive - I AM John Lennon," before falling over, hitting his head on the table and glaring at Cohen to accuse him of pushing him.

He added: "I then turned to Bono and said 'I think I should go now,' and then Bono goes 'stay right here, you're fine as long as you're next to me'. Then Liam Gallagher comes back and goes 'why the fuck didn't you take the piss out of me tonight? Why didn't you say a joke about me tonight?' and I said 'well, I just didn't get round to it'.

"Then you goes 'you know what? I'm gonna stab you. I'm gonna stab you in the eye'. I thought to myself 'wow, I've never heard such a specific threat before ever.