So... Last Friday, I did things with my boyfriend. I don't really like specifying on this stuff. But, we weren't really smart about things. But, now I have to wait 2 weeks to take a damn pregnancy test. I got my friend to buy it for me since I can't really get out of the house. He got a 2 pack. So,I guess that's a good thing? To double check, right? If I'm not pregnant... Wow, I would be so thankful. If I am, I will be so suicidal. No joke. My mom would freaking kill me. With my luck......

I moved. New school. High school. New boyfriend. 6 months this month. I gained weight. Tons of it. Not good. I was looking at my pictures on here, and I could see my collarbone. Damn, I was thin. If I EVER get that thin again... Someone please keep food away from me. it's ridiculous how fat I've gotten. Oh freaking well. I made a mistake the other night. Went to the movies on a double date... End of the night, ended up making...

Okay. Sooo.. haha. I've been with you for 4 months.. honestly, hardest 4 months of a relationship, ever. You're like obsessed with me. We argue all the time. You blow up my phone when I say I wanna go...

I just want out. But, I can't. There's something keeping me there. And, it scares me. I honestly don't know what would happen if I did leave. And, I pray to God it's not what I think.

Please God, just help me though this. I try to be a good person. I really do. So,...

I feel like crying. I've felt that way all day.
I'm stuck in this scary world. I feel like it's gonna end every second.
I don't even see the point in making plans for next year.. when, I might not even make it there.
It gets really scary. Being stuck by yourself. Thinking of how it would be to be consumed in flames. The temperature so high it eats away at your flesh. Your insides just melting away. The world just pitch dark and the fire to soon bring it light. And, all you...

I haven't been on lately. Been on leave for about 2 weeks. Had alot going on. I reallyyyy don't know when I'm gonna be able to come back to HelpLINK. And, I reallyyyyyy don't want to lose my HelpLINK Mentor position. I've just been arguing with my mom alot and I can't get on as much as I used to. Ugh...

And, the only enjoyment I get out of my "life" is talking to him. But, he's in college. So, apparently.. I'm not supposed to talk to him according to my mom. And, if she makes me stop talking to him... I'll go back to right where I started.. Trying to kill myself.

I deserve to be treated better. And, I can't wait 4 more years to get outta here. I admit, I have it pretty great material-wise. But, when you say that when you die of a stroke from you pushing yourself to work too much, that it's my fault and that I'm selfish. Wow. What if you killed over right then and there and then, I blamed myself for it for the rest of my life? You make me feel like shit. Nothing I ever do makes you happy. I almost died back in October. You didn't cry. You looked mad. You...