Okay, I had something happen to me earlier this week that almost made me cry… but it defiantly made me extremely sad.

In my English class we were discussing the story “Rip Van Winkle” and the teacher separated us into groups to break down the story and the group I got was Setting. Why was Rip Van Winkle set where it was, when it was and why? Easy right… Ha!

We started with when Rip Van Winkle was set and we knew that he basically slept thru the beginning of the Revolutionary War. So, I figured it would be easy to answer that. He woke up at the beginning and he was asleep for 20 years. The first question asked “When was the revolutionary war?” I was a bit stunned but more when someone else answer – 1825 right? Um, no… I asked to kinda guide my classmates – when was the declaration of independence signed because that was basically a bugger off to England. I got the response of blank stares and I don’t know.

Now this makes me sad because last week in my history class we discussed the 4th of July and when the teacher asked what it was a celebration of the girl sitting next to me answered: fireworks. She was serious.

Now why does this make me sad? Would it make you sad?! It does for me… Especially since these kids are straight out of high school pretty much and do not know when our Declaration of Independence was signed. I’m sorry but my 5 year old nephew knows this – I am pretty sure, he is a smart kid. But this is one of the most important day in our nations history. It is not a celebration of fireworks – which are a reminder of the war we fought.

It was like last year when I went to a baseball game for the 4th and when the national anthem was sung most of the people around me showed no respect. Kept their hats on and did not put their hands over their hearts, but they did for God Bless America. And they all sang that. No one sang the National Anthem and peoples kids were screaming.

Is this a sign that we are loosing something here in America when the next generation doesn’t seem to know American History? Are they learning it in school? Or is it just what I am seeing.

And it wasn’t just that… we were discussing New York and no one really knew that New York existed back that and how important it was to our nations history. Why base Rip Van Winkle outside of New York city in the mountains along the Hudson River? Maybe its cause I grew up for the first part of my life in New Jersey. It made common sense to me that we would know why that was an important area to base a story about someone sleeping thru the birth of our nation. But nothing is as bad as a lack of knowing when the Declaration of Independence was signed.

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I have been attempting to have a positive, light hearted attitude and not let my doubts and worries overcome me. I will say, its damned hard and I wish it burned calories for me because I feelt like I am in an uphill battle. I can be skipping along (metaphorically speaking) and then bam, one little thing and its doubt city.

And then my courage fails. Well, whatever courage I still have. Most of it is hiding in the kitchen pantry and has been for years. I can close my eyes and seee myself going and walking past that cute cop or being all sexy and seductress like but then I open my eyes and just freak out thinking – like hell I will.

So, I push it all back and don’t worry about it since I’m not gonna do it anyways, it doesn’t matter. Right? WRONG! It does… But enough of this crap… I just want to be secure in someones affections outside of the family. And sometimes I just screw things up royally when I let my instincts flow and a dying friendship is completely killed because I can’t keep my mouth shut.

I am going to test myself in the coming days. Go against my fear and see what happens. BTW, any guys reading this – do not decide if something is fair for a girl in words of a relationship. Maybe she knows it and is still willing to give it a go.

As for the rest of my life – I am back in school and I am doing okay. Love the Western Civ class. English is going to kill me I think but my first grade in the class wasn’t bad. It could of been worse, it could of been better but I messed up on the assignment and didn’t have any time left to finish it so I had to turn it in half-assed and hoped for the best. I got a 38 out of 50 points, which is about a 78/C. It was an assessment test to see if I should retake English 101 or what. I got a better grade then the two people sitting next to me who took English 101 last semseter and finished early. I’m gonna take that as a good thing…

Lets see, what else. I am getting ready for my cruise. I leave in about 12 days. It seems like a long time but its not! Especially when you still need to buy your clothes and pack and find time to get waxing done! Yes, I said waxing! Boo! Girls wax! OMG! lol… But seriously, my time is just really rare now a days. I have only one real day off each week and that is Sundays. This Sunday is packed, next Sunday is packed (thank you Steelers!) and then no other days between that. So, I am trying to find the time to make sure I get everything in before I leave… My poor cat is going to hate me when I come back. This will be my 3rd trip in less then two months. But I am sure she will survive. Hopefully, if she doesn’t somone is going to pay. OH! And I need to find time to make myself some easily packed and wearable clothing for the trip. Some simple pants and shirts. Yeah, cause I’m not busy enough?

Not much else is going on. Doing some writing when I can find the time and inspiration. Which isn’t often but it happens. No one has told me I need to get married (outside of my own traitorous brain) in the past few weeks, so that is always good to not have that pressure on me as well.

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I am damned sexy and any man would be lucky to have me! I know its true, you know its true… so why don’t guys figure that out until its too late? Seriously, they do. Damn them all! lol…

But none of that today. Today is just a general post about my working out and possibly some school stuff, since that started this week.

I have been working on losing weight for about 8 months now and it has been a hard ass struggle so far. On average I should be able to lose about 2 lbs a week, I am averaging about 5lbs per month. On the whole I have lost about 40lbs and mky weight just struggles and struggles to come off and it is a bit tiring. Its hard to like yourself when you hear how fast people are loosing weight and how easy it is for them. Hence, why I have stopped watching infomercials. Those things can be killer on your self-esteem. I lost 40lbs in 8 weeks!

I know I have lost weight and dress, shirt and pants sizes. I am down about 3 sizes now, maybe 4. I work my ass off at the gym each time I go. Okay maybe 98% of the time I go but I am starting to get frustrated. I do ab work every time I see no real changes there. It looks in the same shape. I work and it hurts but in the morning or a few hours there is no pain. So, the question is – am I working out hard enough. How can I know?

I know my trainer has been pushing me and says I am doing great but I don’t feel that way. If I had done as well as I could I would be under 200# by now. Is it because I am not starving myself with my diet. Eating small portions and not always getting the salad at dinner and order a hamburger cause that is what I am hungry for. I refuse to do that and maybe that is my problem. I satisfy my cravings. Now, I don’t go gung how and eat an entire container of ice cream in a siting. Heck I haven’t had ice cream in over a month. And its not easy but I do it. I don’t eat as many carbs as I want but I still eat like a normal non-dieting person. Not alot, I stay within my calorie margin I believe and watch what I put into my mouth. I eat a lot of salads.

Why won’t I crash diet? Well, basically I want to be able to continue to eat normal and still loose weight. So that when I get to my goal I will be able to eat a normal diet and not gain it all back. Its hard and yes, it is meaning slower results but I am looking in the long run. I have done weight watchers and Jenny Craig but I have failed on both of them. Big time and ended up gaining all the weight back plus more in the end.

But what I would really like to do is go to the doctors and see if there is anything medically that needs attention. I have a feeling I may have a disorder that is part of the reason I gained weight (other then the major snacking and crap eating) as fast as I did and part of why its coming off slowly.

I trust my trainer. He knows what I eat and he doesn’t think I am doing anything wrong. He sees what I eat when I go out to dinner and usually gives me an okay on certain foods. Yes, I do text him when I am out from time to time to discuss my options. He is a good trainer and friend.

So where am I now? Well, heavier then I want to be but getting there. I don’t want to take an entire year from now to loose the last 70lbs to my goal. So what do I need to do? not change my diet… but increase my cardio during my workouts. Not take a day off of cardio just because I am tired and don’t want to even if I have time, like I did last night. But go ahead and do it.

Why won’t I diet more? Well, I like food. I like to eat out. I don’t like to deprive myself of things that bring me joy in life when I can adjust a little – like going protein style on a really goodd burger instead of not having the burger at all? Not having fries but having a salad and stealing one from my friends plate during dinner if I feel the need for one.

Am I succeeding, yes? Yes I am and in my own long ass hard way. I am stubborn what can I say and it seems that my body took up my mentality. :D

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I took this test, posted by a friend on Facebook. I find it interesting that years ago I was pretty much the same except I was an ESFJ (Extroverted instead of Introverted.) And it seems I share more in commong with Johnny dcarson then just our birthdays!

Your Type isISFJ

Introverted

Sensing

Feeling

Judging

Strength of the preferences %

22

1

50

33

Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:

slightly expressed introvert

slightly expressed sensing personality

moderately expressed feeling personality

moderately expressed judging personality

Guardian™ Portrait of the Protector (ISFJ) We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about – their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.

Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector’s heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their “need to be needed.” In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of “service” is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted–even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating (“If you want it done right, do it yourself”). And although they’re hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they’re getting, it’s somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don’t call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they’ve bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle–and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being “nice” as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones–although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment’s notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don’t expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven’t known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for “sulking,” the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided “good manners.” An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ’s unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they “didn’t want to burden anyone with.” Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

Introverted Sensing

As for ISTJs, the dominant Si is oriented toward the world of forms, essences, generics. Again, “for both of the IS_J types, the sense of propriety comes from the clear definition of these internal forms. … A ‘proper’ chair has four legs,” etc. (Jung saw IS as something of an oxymoron: sensing, which is a perceiving function, focused inward and thus away from that which is perceived (the “object”). In this light, he described this sensing as something removed from reality, full of archetypes/mythical figures/hobgoblins; sensing of one’s own set of forms.)

Extraverted Feeling

A kind of “regression toward the mean” provided by the Fe auxiliary function serves to socialize the expression of these forms. I suppose it’s the auxiliary nature of this Feeling, coupled with the balancing effect of {detachment from the internal idiosyncratic view of free-floating data perceptions} that makes ISFJs tentative, conservative, and reticent to boldly state the rights and wrongs in the relational world. (Loosely translated, ISFJs like to keep their perceptions to themselves, and aren’t sure enough that what they “see” as Introverted Sensors has any relevance to the outside world. Thus the perception, based on unworldly data, may not be true. The obedient Extraverted Feeling function must therefore refrain from strong statements expressing these opinions.)

Introverted Thinking

Introverted Thinking is turned inward and is largely invisible. It is only with great difficulty, if at all, that the ISFJ could willingly commit anyone to their doom. Perhaps this explains why ISFJs are loyal to the end; there is no sense of purely objective (i.e., impersonal) judgement of anyone but themselves (and that only by their own standards). Here is this type’s achilles heel that makes many of them so vulnerable to the scoundrels and ne’er-do-wells who often use and abuse them.

Extraverted iNtuition

ISFJs are easily undone by Extraverted iNtuition, their inferior function. Believing in the fantastic, and disbelieving the technologically extant, are errors that my guide the gullible (or unfoundedly sceptical) ISFJ off a precipice of mis-conclusion. (One of our co-workers’ mothers adamantly refused to believe that Dave Letterman’s mom was actually at the olympics in Norway talking with the athletes and handing out hams! She suspected technological trickery.)

This childlike Ne is, however, the likely source (coupled with fun-loving Extraverted Feeling) of the practical joking, punning and (usually harmless) impishness of some ISFJs.

I do not like carrying on my luggage to a flight. I don’t want to deal with it or anyone else’s luggage. I want to relax and deal with my jumbo purse and books. Not my luggage. Especially since I would have to redo all my liquids so that I pass the inspector detector at security. But because of delta airlines charging $15 for your FIRST bag, I am going to have to carry-on my suitcase. Which means a smaller bag and all that shit. I am only going to deal with it for two reasons: I am going to be gone from Thursday to Sunday. I am going to the ATL so hopefully that means I don’t need a frak-ton of sweaters. And two – its only this one time. When I head to Tampa for my cruise next month I will be flying Southwest. Guess how much they charge for up to three bags? NOTHING! Thats right, NOTHING! And its a non-stop flight. I don’t have to lay-over in some god-awful city for any reason. Straight from Albuquerque to Tampa! Woot there it is!

Now, my boobs… as you know I am trying to loose weight. And I am doing pretty good. My shirt size is down several sizes. My pants are down as well… but dresses? Bloody hell… I need a semi-formal/cocktail dress for the cruise. Right? So, last night I stop by the dress barn – they carry both regular sized and fat women clothing. I was sure I would find something. But nooooooo…. these damned things haven’t shrunk enough to where I can find something that looks good on the rest of my body. I have to buy two sizes bigger and look like I’m wearing a sack to dinner. Not gonna happen. I whined (cause I do it oh so well) to my trainer and we will be working on that.

So, ladies who want large chests – don’t… its a pain in the ass. Or is that back? I mean don’t get me wrong, they are nice and all. And they do get me some attention (like a guy holding open the automatic door for me at Walgreens a few hours ago) but they have drawbacks. But what doesn’t right?

But in truth, life is a bit crazy right now. Been back at work for two days – not enough time to get anything done and not in the mood to workout at all. But I worked out this morning, a short 20 minute video. I will have a gym at the hotel I am staying at in ATL and I ge tin early enough that I will be able to go workout before bed time for the next few night. But I am exhausted. With the traveling and rushing around and trying to find time to be social. Its not easy when you need to fit everything for a week into 2.5 days. But somehow I am doing it.

Do you think I will learn not to use But and So to start off all my damned sentences in school? I hope so! But (ha!) time to get back to work. I leave my house at a quarter to 7 tomorrow for a 8:30am flight to the ATL… and to my family! Most I have seen in a few years all at once.

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Sooooo…. I headed over to my school yesturday – CNM – and picked up my parking permit and got my money back for the class I dropped. I ended up dropping my Intro to Sociology because I am unsure if I can really handle three class right now with the problems at work and trying to continue keeping a focus on my workouts and weight loss. I can not, CAN NOT, take a chance that I will grow lazy in that department at all.

Back on topic, I ended up getting my permit and my money back (yeah money! I can eat!) as well as my student ID (yeah! it was free!) but didn’t get a chance to pick up my books like I wanted to. The line was hella long and we were told the store wouldn’t even open for another 30 – 40 minutes. So after a brief discussion with Lor (my wonderful wonderful friend who kindly said yes when asked to drive me around cause my car keys were in my moms purse, in Las Vegas), we decided to leave and head to target so I could buy kitty litter and Kohls – so I could buy new jeans (I’m in an 18!). When we left we saw a nice set up of traffic going back towards the school. So in one fail swoop – we decided it was best to not worry about it.

Heck, I bought my book for my English class online and have it already to go. I have time between classes that I can run over to the bookstore and pick up my Western Civ book before that one starts.

Basically this will be my schedule for school:

Analytical Writing – M/W – 10:30am to 11:45am

Western Civilization I – M/W – 1:30pm to 2:45pm

I know it doesn’t seem fancy but I am looking forward to it. Especially the Western Civ class, I have two of the books we will be reading already in (ordered them thru work): The Prince by Machavelli and The Death of Socrates by Plato. Awesome books and can’t wait to read them! They are on my want to read list, so I am very excited.

Not much else is going on in my life. I am attempting to wear contacts again. I thought about it the other day, I think my eyes are probably one of my best features – if not the #1 best and prettiest thing about me – and I am always wearing those big clunky glasses where my eyes are hidden a majority of the time. So, out come the contacts. They are killing my eyes but I am forcing myself to keep going with them. I just need to go buy myself some drops since I am out of them, and some cheap sunglasses cause the sun hurts your eyes – you know that?

Thats pretty much it… I will have more later but I am trying to figure somethings out in my head. There is too much going on up there right now to be able to think clearly.

Well, I made it thru the New Year but not without a few tears shed. That happens when you drink too much and get a few blows to your self-esteem and let your emotions rule you too much. But I got thru it and I cried in private on the phone with a friend. Not in public at the casino where I walked around with my vodka collins contemplating whether I should get a few more just to sleep it all away. I did attempt to flirt – key word attempt. I suck at it apparently especially when the guys in question just gave me a look over then walked away without even a verbal hello. But then again, why go for me with my baggy jeans and pleasantly plump features when there are 27 million Pamela Lee Anderson wanna-Be’s cavorting around the casino.

And while I am willing to dress myself up and dye my hair a crazy red, get it cut (yes I got it cut!), wear make up (but not too much) I don’t think I want to look like Pamela Anderson. Not that she isn’t pretty, I just think she is prettier without the 20 tons of make up and the skin tight clothing on. Seriously, watch that video she made with Tommy and she isn’t wearing a stitch of make up and looks beautiful. But enough of her, lets get back to me! I am much more exciting… and I keep my clothes on in public. And yes, that is a GOOD THING!

I made it the thru the new year with a smile on my face – or at least a shadow of one. With lots of thoughts on my mind and booze in my belly. But in truth, I was feeling good about myself. While I am still in way, lonely I am not overly lonely. I am not going to run out and jump into a relationship but I think my brothers positive attitude that 2009 is my year for love is sinking in. It helps that I have another person in my life who is kinda saying the same thing. I think this will be the year. Something is going to happen this year…

in truth, the hard thing is that I want to be married on Halloween and this year its on a Saturday – I don’t see that happening but I think I will live. I do feel that the right person may already be in my life – I just don’t realize it yet. Part of me does. But I don’t wa

nt to ignore the fact that alot what I feel is going to happen, doesn’t always happen. That my daydreams rarely come true. The biggest but though is whether or not that person in my life wants me the same way. There is something inside of me that feels less turmoiled and more calm in recent times. That something that feels like it is missing, still isn’t there but its less crazy inside of me. While I know you can’t tell that by my insanely emotional posts, it is the truth. And its time to speak it… my life is crazy, I am crazy and my emotions are crazy. I need a balance to that. And I think its coming into my life.

I am 33, focusing on me for the first time in ages and finding happiness there within myself. While there are times I just want to be held and kissed (I still miss kissing like you miss water when dehydrated) I am not worried. I know it will happen.

My weight loss is still happening, I was able to buy clothing at REI the other day. Right off the rack! No specialized fat ladies store. A regular store and they were fitted and look pretty good on me if I do say so myself. Now I am looking forward to getting home after my trip to the ATL next weekend and finding that cocktail dress I need for my cruise. Because I am now confident that I will find one that will look great on me! Seriously confident…

As for my new years resolutions – you see it above. This is the year of love for me. It will happen. It is no, I am resolving to find love this year. I am know I am going to find love this year. It is my year. No more single-hood for me. And its here, the walls just need to be broken down. I will and am continuing to loose my weight and once I hit under 200 I will be posting a picture of me. It won’t be easy to do but I will do it anyways. that’s pretty much it. I made mine at my birthday. This is just a re-affirmation of them.

But I head home from Vegas in about 18 hours or so… while I am going to miss my familia, I know I will see them in a few days in the ATL and it will be nice to see my kitty, my friends and sleep in my own bed for a few nights.

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"Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends." -Maya Angelou