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DiManno: French farce at its finest

It may be une fart in une mitten, given all the other scandals and shocking collapse of Team France at the World Cup. But internal tumult over the past 48 hours — gleefully documented by world media — has provided a glimmer of hope and revitalizing oxygen for Bafana Bafana, despite their miniscule mathematic chance of surviving beyond a tilt-of-the-hapless in Tuesday’s match at Free State Stadium here.

Hoo-boy, what utter tools the French divas have made of themselves in a farce featuring duelling egos, a foul-mouthed tirade, player revolt against coach, resignations, expulsion and, allegedly, an inside-the-dressing-room fifth columnist who blabbed to the press.

This leak got up their nezes far more than France’s pitiful performance on the pitch.

Les Imposteurs and Les Miserables, les bleus have been branded.

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One gets the impression that, if it was at all possible, the entire side would rather pick up their dolls and dishes, slink home, than play a game that’s clearly the last thing on their miffed minds.

The French know all about turtling when the going gets tough.

The incredible sulk, with broadsides every-which-way, was provoked by the tossing of golden striker Nicolas Anelka, sent packing by the French Football Federation for his profanity-laced screed against coach Raymond Domenech during halftime of last Thursday’s 2-0 loss to Mexico.

Man-to-man squawking — Domenech had made some critical comments to Anelka about his play; Anelka responded by telling the boss to “Go f--k yourself, dirty son of a whore” — exploded into total insurrection as the players essentially hit the bricks at their scheduled training session in Knysna.

First they refused to practise as purportedly conscientious objectors to Anelka’s dismissal. Then captain Patrice Evra got into a row with fitness coach Robert Duverne, who ripped off his accreditation and fling it to the ground. Act III had team director Jean-Louis Valentin quitting. The curtain fell with players drawing closed the drapes on their team bus and rumbling off, leaving some 200 fans in open-mouthed astonishment.

Wow, we usually see such theatrics from the French only at figure skating competitions.

But ditto the disgust from nearly everybody else ’round here, though many are deriving exquisite pleasure from the French in disarray.

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It’s viewed as karma, since the squad shouldn’t really be here, and wouldn’t have but for some playoff seeding conniving by FIFA and, of course, that infamous handball by Thierry Henry in a qualification playoff against Ireland, which still galls.

FIFA obviously believed this tournament needed the lustre of the French, though the team has been creaking badly in recent years, no longer the champion colossus of 1998.

In fact, the French national team has been riven with dissent since the European Championships two years ago, with various cliques barely speaking to each other, veterans and younger players at knives drawn, and coach Domenech treated like a dunce.

Domenech told French TV an apology from Anelka could have averted this disaster, but it was never forthcoming. “I left open the possibility for him to apologize, something which he did not want to do.”

And so the grand guignol of French soccer at the World Cup has escalated, with Domenech, weirdly, reading to reporters the manifesto written by his players: “The French Football Federation did not take any time to protect the group,” they whined. “They took a decision uniquely based on facts reported by the press. As a consequence, and to show our opposition to the decision . . . all the players decided not to take part in (Sunday’s) training session.”

Evra further blamed an unidentified rat for spilling the original rant swill to L’Equipe, claiming the problem was not the team but “the traitor among us. . . . It is imperative we rid the squad of this traitor.”

No, what’s imperative is that they beat South Africa and pray that Uruguay beats Mexico, or vice versa.

The permutations for advancement to the knock-out round makes our brain hurt, but South Africa can do so only on goal differential, which means dumping France by four goals or more. As if. But the Gauls’ hysterical meltdown has made Bafana dare to hope.

“Football is a very funny game and the battle is not over,” vowed captain Aaron (Mbazo) Mokena. “We are determined not to make history by becoming the first host team to bomb out of the group stages in the World Cup.”

Funny, oui, and howlingly so at the moment thanks to Anelka et al. It should come as little surprise, however, that this maverick — who grew up as a street urchin in Paris — took his haul of shame and bolted, rather than suck up an apology. He’s made a career of turning things toxic, from Arsenal to Real Madrid, Liverpool to Chelsea.

And the French don’t do sorry.

The title of Anelka’s autobiography says it all: “It’s not me. It’s everyone else.”

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