Thursday, November 10, 2005

Um, maybe God likes science

Get ready for this week's roundup of GOD versus ENLIGHTENMENT, a battle that's been raging since Adam and Eve considered a future of roaming naked in tropical paradise peacefully forever and decided to look behind Door #2.

First we have the great state of KANSAS, which as we all remember was black & white in The Wizard of Oz for the very important reason that it represents everything dull and confining about America. (Technicolor technology was new in 1939 and this gave the studio a chance to give it a splashy debut. But did the studio choose California as the best contrast to the Techniolor wonders of Oz? Did it choose Vermont? No, sir, it did not.)

Kansas's school board voted this week 6 - 4 to hang a big picture of Charles Darwin over the doorway of the capital courthouse, circled and slashed through in red, with the inscription underneath, "'ORIGIN'-AL SIN! NOT IN OUR SCHOOLS." Next to it, they hung another sign whose text reads, "SCIENCE MEANS WHATEVER WE SAY IT MEANS" and a third, "CLAY AIKEN, WILL YOU MARRY ME??"

GOD: 1; ENLIGHTENMENT: 0.

A hop, skip and a galaxy away in Pennsylvania -- a swing state in the sense that it shifts in a positively bipolar fashion from good decisions to bad -- every member of the Dover school board that suggested teaching Kansas's preferred Intelligent Design biology curriculum got voted out.

By the way, the curriculum, a copy of which was given to me by a high-level source familiar with the material who wanted to remain anonymous, goes something like this:"God is the answer to every question. Go ahead, try me! What's the first law of thermodynamics? GOD. What does thermodynamics mean? GOD. What's the name of Margaret Atwood's novel that incisively portrays what happens when religion mixes too prominently with government? GOD! Is literature science? Sure! It's a new world, kids: science can be anything you want, especially fiction."

GOD: 1; ENGLIGHTENMENT: 1.

It would look like we had a tie to end the week. BUT, with an addition that makes it just under the wire, Pat Robertson, America's favorite candidate for hospitalization this side of Lisa on America's Next Top Model has warned Dover, PA of its impending doom:

"God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in his eye forever," Robertson said. "If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them."