My Baby Hudson Died at 26 weeks 6 days following PROM and Haemorrage at 21 wks

I wish i wasnt on this board and on a success story . Truth is i cant find the words properly anymore to explain how awful it is to lose a child. I have posted on here before when my waters went at 22 weeks and i held on till 27 in hope my lil boy would be ok. His left lung wouldnt co operate. I had emergency c section following a 2nd haemorrage. I was told if i hadnt had surgery he would of died inside me so i was left with not much choice.
His funeral was last thursday and i still have the vision of his face in my mind from when i last saw him lying in a coffin.
I dont know why this has happened, just told that while i was having c section there was a bleed behind the placenta that MAY of caused it.

I am all over the place, up down happy sad OK or NOT OK.

He was 1 Ib 8oz when born, had everything, looked all normal , good heart. I got to hold him before he died and i was in so much shock i cudnt talk.

The crying seems to come later. The pain and the feeling of blaming myself. I wake up everyday with the pain of the c section knowing my baby is nothing my ashes now.

Oh Emma I cant even imagine what you are going through and how you feel
I do understand the rush to have your baby so premature, and that will also be hanging over you.

Have you been offered counselling? Most hospitals have counselling service that is offered to women who have suffered a loss. It can also be given to couples.

We went through it when I had a mmc in 2008, and it was a good thing for us both to have. DH actually ended up having a few sessions on his own, as sometimes the men are forgotten.
We didnt take it up when DS2 was born prematurely, and even though he is now nearly 8 I wish we had as it took me a very long time to get to grips with what had happened.
The counselling service can also liase with the dr's for you, and help you get some answers.

Be kind to yourself, its still early days and no one expects you to be bouncing around all happy. Take it one day at a time, and at your pace and do things only when you feel ready

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of baby Hudson.
This must be a terrible time for you. I don't really know what to say, you are going through a grieving process at the moment and your emotions will be all over the place for some time. Be kind to yourself ((((((hugs)))))))) we are here to listen. Xx

Hi, I read your earlier post. I hate that us mums have to go through this, something no person should have to endure. It does get easier, and you never will forget him. Its really hard as no one feels it like a mum. Its difficult to just get on with things and dont put pressure on yourself, no matter what others may think. Take your time and I hope you get some rest xxxx I love the name xxxx

I am so sorry to read about the loss of baby Hudson, I have just read your previous thread and can see what a terribly difficult time you have been through over the last few weeks

You mention how hard it is to find the words to explain how awful it is to lose a child. I don't think, most of the time, those words are there Emma That's why, for many people, it helps to talk on boards like this - where there are people who have been through their own versions of loss. While everyones experience is different there are people here who will understand at least part of what you feel and it doesn't matter if you can't find the right words......

Emma in case you don't already know of them I just wanted to let you know about SANDS. They are an organisation who can provide information and support to anyone affected by the death of a baby whether it be parents, grandparents or wider family or friends. The link to their website is here and they also have a helpline if it might help to talk things through with someone that will understand.

Who do you have around you Emma for support, who can you lean on? This is such a difficult time for you and your partner, how is he coping?

Do come back and talk some more whenever you would like to, we are here to listen and reply.

Hi Emma.
I really can't even begin to imagine wot ur going thru. I've jus had a very early miscarriage Wich is bad enough, but to go thru all that u have been, its jus awful. All I can say is that I think u must b a very strong woman to have got this far after everything. Nd wot a beautiful name u have chosen. I'm sure his beauty matches his name.
Big hugs 2 u . Xxxx

Thanks for all your messages. I'm still feeling awful , been arguing with my partner, struggling with my other children. I can't cope with the pain in my chest everyday when I wake up. Nothing seems to console me. We talk about having another baby already , we both want to but it's prob too soon. I miss Hudson more than anything , more than life itself the feeling I have of loss is unbearable. X

Emma I can hear how much you love and miss Hudson and how his loss is affecting the family so deeply. Grief can be terribly stressful and I think there willl be many people here who can understand that tempers become frayed and tolerance levels feel so much lower at a time like this.

In her book 'Empty Cradle Broken Heart' Deborah Davis talks of relationships and about how they can be affected when a baby dies. She mentions how sometimes the stress of grieving can make your own needs so great it can be difficult to support each other and then of course how many of the grieving emotions, anger and depression for example, make it even more of a challenge to be supportive. Misunderstandings can flair up easily.

I wonder whether you can identify with any of that? Although it can be very hard sometimes sharing thoughts and feelings can be a support in itself. Caring about your partner and about what he/she is feeling and needs at the moment can help with the coping. Accepting that you may not grieve in the same way or at the same time can be a really important part of that too

As you describe so movingly the feeling of loss can feel quite crushing at times. I know that I talked of SANDS before and just wondered whether you had considered looking to them for some support?

Thanks for reply . Today has been one of the worse so far . I did ring sands , had a long chat about how difficult things are right now. My eyes are so puffy and black from crying I look like I've had a hard night on the town. I feel so empty and lost I don't know what to do with myself. I even feel guilty for being alive , I wonder what the point in being alive is all about living everyday with pain running through my body which is so awful it's hard to catch a breath. Talking to sands did help , I think I could of talked for hours . It's like having to talk to people through the day just to feel better . Losing Hudson has changed everything in my life and changed me as a person. I don't even like to go out or un draw my curtains for that matter. It's worse than depression and I know there's women on here who are going through the same who must feel similar to me. You feel so tired but don't sleep easy , wake up for any noise. You feel so hungry but can't eat much . Angry with people who care about you and angry with people who don't care. Moments of complete despair where u just want to hold your breath and rip the pain out from inside your own soul. I just feel like a walking talking robot who's exsisting because I have too. My other children need me so much . I want to live for them because without them there is nothing x

I am really glad that you made contact with SANDS and found them helpful. Might you talk with them again do you think?

You speak very movingly about how life feels for you at the moment Emma, the anger at people that try and help and the anger at those that don't, how you feel hungry but can't eat much, tired but can't sleep and how the despair can feel so gut wrenchingly deep and searing.

Grief can be all of those things and more, the sense of loss so raw and the pain excruciating at times. Others may share with you their experiences, some have spoken openly on here about how, for them, while the sense of love and loss never diminishes the pain gradually did begin to ease a little. It might help to hold on to that sometimes Emma

You know that your other children need you and they do, very much so. Do you have any help with the practicalities, can anyone lighten the load a little for you with the domestic stuff so that you can focus your time on being with the children?

How are things with you and your partner? Do you think talking with SANDS might help him, would he consider it do you think. You say you find that talking helps and I just wondered have you had chance to see if SANDS offer a local support group? Or might one be run through your local hospital?

Are you being offered any support from your GP, Health Visitor or someone from the hospital? Are you able to talk to them about how you feel?

Im so sorry for your loss Emma. I suffered a miscarriage yesterday, things are still very raw for me at the moment. My heart goes out to you and your family. The kind words of others are a great comfort at times like this. No mum should ever have to feel the pain you are in. Its a horrible part of life. I hope that time will be good to you Emma and that you will begin to feel a little less guilt for what happened to your beautiful baby boy. Your reasons for being alive are for your other children. They will help you get through this horrible time.

I have just found out a hour ago that im pregnant again. Thats just 6 weeks after my c section and i am worried SICK. Ive been through so much and none of the doctors are open antill tuesday. Does anyone have any advice of the outcome of this.
Has it happened to anyone else?

I am going out my mind with worry that ive made a hugh mistake because they say wait a year between c sections. please help

i am so sorry for the loss of your child, there are no words for that, what i wanted to say is i got pregnant 4 weeks after a section, and it was fine,,,,,,so dont worry to much as it isnt ideal but is poosible.

thanks Debbie. I was just worried it would be dangerous to continue with this pregnancy so soon . what if the cut re opens as i get bigger. I feel so irresponsible xx

it wont huni i promise, its important to rest as much as possible, but i was absolutly fine, they moniter you abit more but since i had mine ive heard of loads of people doing the same thing.the scar heals quicker than you think and by the time you get your new baby growing to any size that would efffect the cut it will of long healed.
i think that everything happens for a reason, and youve been blessed with another little baby, please use this as a positive thing to start healing your wounds,,,,,
big hugs
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