I am starting to feel better. Physically, I have been getting lots of rest and that has helped perk me up. I have sought the comfort of my meditation chair and that has done wonders for my mood and attitude. It seems when I get bad news it gets me all fired up and takes a few days for me to get my head wrapped around it. I suppose that comes from my human mind and heart that constantly wants my will to be done.

I pray daily for God’s will to be done in my life, still with this pesky free will thing. Generally, I am a pretty laid back, relaxed kind of guy. Very few things in regular day to day life ruffle my feathers or bother me at all. My brother’s heart attack wasn’t what I would classify as a regular day to day thing and it did hit me kind of hard. It is sort of like.”I am the one in the family with the bad heart, if a heart attack comes along it is supposed to hit me, not my younger brother”. Like, geesh, what is up with that.

I have thought about it, worried about it and prayed about it. This email arrived from my cousin Gloria:

THIS IS THE ONE OF NICEST MESSAGES I HAVE RECEIVED
To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you. And, remember…. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.. Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!

Now, you have a nice day.
God

It so nicely puts into words the thoughts and feelings I already know and was gentlely being lead to focus on in the meditation chair.I have prayed asking our Heavenly Father to take Robin, Debbie and the 2 boys Trent (15) and Travis (10) into His loving hands and that His will be done. What better place could they be than in God’s loving hands.

I guess this means Robin joins me in the gimpy heart club. Now I would happily have my brother join me in any club but would have much preferred it was not in this gimpy heart one. Realistically his life expectancy has been shortened. Now the key word there is expectancy. Look at me here I am still going long after anyone ever expected and I have no plans on checking out any time soon. OK, that is based on my plans, I guess we will have to see.

As I think of it I realize it isn’t the amount of time we have on this earth that is most important. It is indeed what we do with what time we have. How we live it, how we enjoy it. I do know of some that while maybe physically doing just fine have seemingly already died inside. They are not live but rather enduring life, such a waste, so sad.

NO ONE know how long they have on this earth. Why do so many just take it for granted they have years and years to go and I do hope and pray they do. Take nothing for granted, start really living life today.

Received this in as an email. The message pretty much says it all.
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee ..

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked.”

The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee or a visit with a friend.”

Brother Robin is doing well after his heart attack and ensuing procedures but still has a long way to go. I can speak with the authority gained through experience. At least when it comes to heart related issues it is easier being the patient. I have experienced both sides and it is a whole lot easier being the patient. And, yes I even mean when you are having a heart attack. Five heart attacks has taught me that much.

I spent all day Friday at the hospital and it just plain wore me out physically and emotionally. It is all the waiting while you are unsure of what is happening, worrying about a loved one. It is draining.

I arrived at the hospital shortly after 9:00am. and the waiting began. First waiting for the ambulance to arrive from Dauphin. Then waiting for them to get him settled before they would let me in. Then waiting for the procedure. It was scheduled for 10:30 but with other emergencies and such it was close to 12:30 before them came for him.

It was scheduled to last approx. 1 hour. Waiting through that seemed to last forever. One hour turned into two and then into three before they brought him back. A nurse accompanied him and showed me a map of his heart, showing where they had inserted 3 stents. This map/diagram showed at least 4 other arteries as being 100% blocked. I immediately questioned the nurse as to why since they were already in his heart those blockages had not also been dealt with. She indicated the doctor would be around shortly to explain all. OK, fair enough but more waiting. Ansiouis waiting, I mean 4 arteries 100% blocked this can’t be good. Turns out
Robin’s procedure had taken far longer than expected and other emergencies had built up. Doctor was called straight back into the operating room, I can understand that and could accept it meant more waiting, wondering and worrying.

A short time later they came to tranfer him to a bed in the cardiac care unit. We were assured the doctor would come to the room and explain things when his time allowed, again fair enough. It was about this time Eric arrived. I can’t remember the exact sequence of events. We visited for about an hour until about 5:00pm, still no doctor. As we visited Robin being heavily medicated kiept drifting off to sleep. We just waited patiently for the next time he woke up usually only a few minutes. Having been in his position I should have realized how tired he was and how he just really wanted to sleep at that time. It reached the point where he told us he just wanted to sleep and for us to go home. I know and understand that feeling so fair enough.

Some where in that time I checked with his nurse in the cardiac unit asking about those blockages. Now she had not had the benefit of seeing the diagram/map of his heart and she did make that clear. She could not comment specifically on Robin’s case but that often if small arteries were blocked, those blockages would be ignored if there were others that compensated. Oh, well that makes sense, what a relief. Content with that we left the hospital. I was exhausted beyond belief, I mean I am a big baby and need my afternoon nap.

It was not until Robin arrived back in Dauphin and his own doctor saw the map/diagram that he learned those blockages are much more serious that we had thought. He only has something like 1/3 of the “normal” amount of blood entering his heart. He has actuaklly been discharged from hospital and is now at home recuperating. Doctors are continuing to monitor him closely with more test to follow.

We are left wondering, they were already in his heart, why would these other blockages not have been dealt with at that time?

Good Morning to Cousin Carol and all other family and friends that I know are looking for updates on my brother Robin’s condition.

This is Robin’s “adventure” as I heard it from him while he was in a very heavily medicated state. It all started about 2 weeks ago with a simple cough. With the the cough Robin felt something pop in the back of his head. This brought on what he describes a the worst head ache he has ever experienced. That head ache has stayed with him only letting up for short periods. He still has it.

If you know Robin you will know it would have to be something very major to get him to go to the hospital. A week of this headache did it. First trip to the ER sent him home with muscle relaxants. A return trip to the ER and this time a major heart attack was the diagnosis.

Friday morning He was transfered here to Winnipeg. Here he under went an angioplasty and had 3 stents placed in his heart. That part seemed to go well even though a 1 hour procedure turned into 3 hours. Afterwards we were shown a map of his heart showing where the stents were place and other blockages in his heart. I was conserned as it showed at least 4 other arteries as being 100% blocked. I questioned the nurse about that and she indicated only that it would be explained by the Doctor who would be coming around shortly. As it turned out the doctor was rushed into another emergency procedure and we never did get to talk to him.

Again I questioned the nurse who indicated likely those were small arteries and blood flow was complensated by alternate routes. She would ask the doctor to stop by Robin’s room and explain things later. Huh, never happened. It was then said all could be explained by his doctor back in Dauphin.

Yesterday we had a wicked Manitoba winter blizzard but the ambulance arrived at drove him back to Dauphin. Still with his head ache. Follow up tests will be done to treat that. Which likely means he will be back here in Winnipeg shortly to see a neurologist.

My brother Robin had what they are calling a bad heart attack. Not that any heart attack could ever be a good one. I am happy to say he has been stabalized and is in fact being transfered by ambulance to here in Winnipeg tomorrow morning. The all revealing procedure is scheduled for 10:30 tomorrow morning.

His wife Debbie is unable to accompany him so I will be at the hospital wating his arrival and be there through out. Prayers please

It is almost amazing how all your thoughts, your focus, your priorities can be changed in just a split second. I had such an event happen to me last evening.

I got a call from my brother Eric telling me my other brother Robin had suffered a heart attack. He was and still is in the intensive care unit of the hospital. Phone calls to the hospital last night, say he is doing well. Just called again and he is off to get a CT scan more will be known after that. Again I am told he is doing well.

After I hung up the phone it occurred to me, what does doing well mean. It can be a relative term. Does it mean he is flat-out doing well, or does it mean for someone who has just had a heart attack he is doing well. There can be a difference there.

Heart issues seem to run in the family with the Howdle brothers. Both of my brothers are younger than myself and both have had their heart problems

Robin under went open heart surgery about 10 years ago, can’t remember exactly when. Five blockages were by passed. Prior to that surgery they had to operate to clear blockages in the main arteries leading to his head. One was totally blocked and for some reason they couldn’t by pass it (can’t remember why) the blockage on the other side was by passed.

Eric not to be left out suffered what they call a silent heart attack. Virtually no symptoms come with this type or if there are any they are so minor they are disregarded. It is only after an EKG reveals major changes do you even know you had one.

It is almost ironic that it was but yesterday that I wrote of how diffiecult it is for the family sitting helpless by, awaiting news and bang here we are.

Robin lives in Dauphin a town about a 3 1/2 hour drive from her, so it is not just a matter of jumping in the car and racing to the hospital. Dauphin I know has a large medical center but I know heart patients are often transfered here to the larger hospitals in Winnipeg. Do we jump in the car and drive to Dauphin to find he has already be transfered to Winnipeg, or wait and very possibly have him in a hospital but minutes from here.

This waiting not knowing is difficult. It is easier being the patient, I know I have been there and done that.

Just had a call from my brother Eric. He had just received a phone call and learned my second brother Robin has had a heart attack. I really know none of the details other than at this time he is in the intensive care unit of the Dauphin Hospital. I called the hospital and all they could tell me is he had the heart attack and seems to be doing well at this time. I hope to learn more tomorrow

Who am I?

I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying.
I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.