Keep Your Frenemies Closer: A Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap

SECOND TAKE

Keep Your Frenemies Closer: A Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap

By Trisha B.

THIS WEEK’S IT’S ONE BIG PROBLEM as Adrienne agonizes over moving her basketball team, and one little problem as Kyle goes bubble-headed over a fundraiser.

We’re still in the limo with Adrienne and Paul, waiting patiently for Kim to arrive at the airport. Adrienne calls her again and she promises to be there in 15 minutes. Paul still thinks she’s pissy drunk and asks Adrienne what happens if she doesn’t show up in 10 or 15 minutes. Adrienne says they’ll go, this game is too important to her. I wonder what possessed her to invite Kim at all. Especially since this seems so important to her and she knows Kim tends to be a fuck-up.

Kim arrives all slurry-voiced claiming the power went out on the entire block which impeded her progress getting dressed. Then she tells them she asked her neighbors if she could come over to their house. Whaa? Did they have power or not? And, it’s daylight. Duh, why care about the power? She looks perfectly put together and keeps on talking and talking in that cheery, I’m usually never late, ain’t life beautiful way. She’s drunk. Or at least tipsy. Adrienne tells her about the situation at the game, that it may be intense, the fans may be hostile and it’s definitely going to be emotional for her. Kim lifts her chin and says she’s ready for them.

Kyle’s bustling around her house with her assistant organizing a cancer fundraiser. She tells him that she hates asking for money. He tells her she’s got to. Then she calls Lisa. Lisa!!!!!! Why is she afraid to ask her? She went to one of Lisa’s fundraisers. And, as her assistant tells her, Lisa has millions. When Kyle asks Lisa to donate one dinner Lisa suggests 6 or 8. But, since she is always the cheeky Brit, she also asks Kyle if it’s a “decorate the new house” fund. Kyle laughs. I laugh.

As the group from LA touches down in Sacramento, Adrienne tells us they may have to move the team for more revenue. ‘Cause, you know, in the Hills you can never be too blond or too rich. She loses it and tears up when the limo idles next to a fence painted with the words “Baby, please don’t go,” next to a graffiti Sacramento Kings. She’s very somber and Paul is still begging her not to go. She starts tearing up again at the thought of the lost jobs, lost fans.

Lisa and Ken talk with their business partners about the hard work ahead of them when they enlarge Sur into the building next door. Business meetings are boring. Even with Lisa.

Taylor is visiting Kyle’s new digs. She says she was just running errands but gets right into telling Kyle that there’s gossip in the newspapers about her relationship with Russell. And she’s NOT happy about it. She lets us know that when she got back from Colorado she and Russell agreed that she shouldn’t talk about their relationship with her girlfriends. Always a bad move but — too late. When Kyle asks if it could’ve been someone on her staff she says she makes them all sign confidentially agreements. Then she looks dumbfounded when she finds out that Kyle doesn’t make her “staff” do the same. Kyle looks just as dumbfounded and tells us that she doesn’t have “staff” but she doesn’t make her housekeeper sign anything. Out of all the women, Taylor picks Lisa as the rat, saying she’s the only one with a close relationship with the press. Why she thinks that I dunno. I didn’t know Lisa existed before this show.

Looking out of the limo window, Adrienne sips wine and views the fans shouting, “please don’t go.” As they’re escorted to a private box, fans are only staring, a few heckling, along the way. Adrienne is even getting texts from someone pleading to keep the team in town. Kim continues her drunky talk, talk, talking which is driving Paul crazy. He’s so frustrated with Kim right now. She doesn’t notice that Adrienne is basically ignoring her and trying desperately to watch the game. On Adrienne’s right Paul is urging them to “watch the game, man.” Well, Kim finally gets a clue and starts clapping wildly. Then Adrienne asks her bodyguard if they can go down on the floor. He’s gives an emphatic no. She thinks she’s strong enough to take any abuse that may come. She convinces him that they could stand in the tunnel. On the way Paul claims a guy hit him in the ear. She ignores him as usual. They hang a little outside a tunnel and things go fine. A fan even asks Adrienne to take a picture. Next we see her visiting with the dancers, signing balls for kids and posing with more fans. She says it was difficult but she likes to handle things head on. She’s glad she went. Paul’s also glad they went and that the couple got to share the experience together. Kim, he says, not so much.

Camille’s in a surf shop with DD buying suits and boards. It’s time for spring break in Hawaii with the kids. We see flashbacks of her wake boarding there, with her tiny body and big boobs, telling us that though she doesn’t have the support of a husband she has family support. Then she tells us that her houseguest from last year, Carl, the guy who was majorly kissing her ass in the hot tub last season, knew about Kelsey’s affair. Needless to say, Carl won’t be complimenting her on her great ass and fine tits anymore. He’s finished in CamilleWorld. Who could blame her?

Kyle’s still doing fundraising stuff, as best she can. She tells us that moving, then throwing this shindig, is throwing her off. Then why did she do it? Sigh. Her major worry is no one showing up so she asks everyone she comes into contact with if anyone is coming. Like they know. She knows folks will be there. Except Camille. And Kim, who’s excuse is she’s still tired from Sacramento. Right.
Lisa tells us Villa Blanca is thriving (150 reservations for lunch? You betcha!). We watch her cut white roses for centerpieces as she talks about losing Cedric. Again. She tells us she has no idea where he is or what he’s doing but that he’s gotta go a long way to find another deal like her. Oh yeah, he blew that. We know it Lisa, he blew it big time.

We’re walking into the fundraiser venue with Kyle and Mauricio. She tells us that it was supposed to be at her house but it wasn’t ready yet so it’s going to be held at this restaurant. Which is modern and very nice. Mauricio is there for support for her and eye candy for me. She continues to freak out over the silliest things until her event planner, (yes, all of a sudden we find out she has an perfectly calm EVENT PLANNER) brings her a drink. Oh, and niece Paris Hilton is sending over a basket of her perfumes for the silent auction. How nice of her to help out Auntie. Paris can be a sweet girl when she’s out of jail.

Hor d’oeuvres are being served when Fay Resnick arrives with her restructured face. Oh, there’s Martin, the Rico Sauvé they tried to hook Kim up with last season. And here’s Taylor in what looks like her daughter’s dress. Taylor introduces her friend (and new housewife) Dana to Lisa. Lisa greets her and then almost immediately confronts Taylor about her weight, telling her she’s concerned about her arms and to come to her so they can “sort it out.” Taylor looks pissed and tells asks us why Lisa is so concerned with her weight. Wait a minute, the newspaper article also reports concern over her weight loss. And she wants me to “come to her” and tell her all of my secrets. Hmmmm, she thinks. You can see the wheels turning. Coincidence? She thinks not!

Kyle, looking remarkably like Paris, baby voices a welcome and thank you to the partygoers. Then Mauricio tells us he had some kind of baby cancer and spent a lot of time in hospital. His mom looks on as he tells the group how he’s there to support kids and Kyle. After Kyle tells us they raised $15,000, it’s picture-taking and party time. Lisa is still harassing Taylor, telling Dana how worried she is about Taylor. Then she tells Taylor she’s lost 10 pounds since last week, basically telling girlfriend she looks awful. and that the more weight she loses the bigger her lips look. And it’s just awful because Lisa is too beautiful to hang with a face with just lips. Taylor looks embarrassed and pouts, making her lips look enormously wide. She tells Lisa emphatically that she IS eating and tells us that Lisa bringing up her weight at this event is rude. Lisa tells us that even Taylor is not her favorite she still wants to help her. Taylor says, “So she tells me ‘You know I’m not your friend but my home is open to you.’ Who does that?” You can tell she now thinks she definitely knows who the secret spiller is.

Now Taylor’s dancing around, flailing those skeletal arms and having a great old time. Oh, here comes (new housewife) Brandi. On crutches. Kyle and Lisa look like they smelled something bad as they ask each other “who is that?” “She’s tall,” Lisa says.

Adrienne, Paul and Taylor greet Brandi. She tells them she broke her foot while wearing stilettos. When Adrienne comes over to say ‘Hi’ to Kyle and Lisa they immediately ask her, ‘Who’s that girl?’ Lisa tells us she’s seen Brandi in photos with the hated Cedric and that puts a bad taste in her mouth right away. Then Brandi tells us what a douchebag her good-looking ex is. Then she’s chatting about kids with Taylor, who right away invites her over for a play date. As Brandi goes over to meet the rest of the ladies, Adrienne tells us she likes that Brandi speaks her mind but wonders if the others will appreciate that quality in her friend. Lisa immediately asks if she knows Cedric. Brandi says they used to model together 15 years ago. Lisa evidently thinks the friendship is more recent than that and tells us that she wants nothing to do with anyone who hangs with Cedric. Kyle, Taylor and Faye start whispering, and Kyle tells them Brandi’s story and makes a crack that it’s her claim to fame. They hoot about that while Brandi looks over. Then they pull Paul over and let him know that Brandi’s friendship with Cedric is not sitting well with Lisa. He insists it was years ago, but they say nuh uh, it was recent and Lisa is upset. He then wonders why then is Lisa is over there talking to Brandi right now? They tell him it’s a keep your enemies’ close thing. Ha. He tells us that younger, hotter women are often met with a smidgen of hostility in the Hills. So Paul does know something.

When Kyle was counseling Taylor about the gossip item, she also told her she might know someone who could help her find out the source. That was Elliot Minz, a Hollywood PR flack, spin doctor and serial tanner. When you go to his official website it tells you his official website is coming. And this guy has been in the PR business how long?

Anyway. Taylor chats with him at the party. He’s short and gray and looks at her without blinking, looking neither right nor left, staring at her intently. Every so often he takes a sip of champagne. He’s creepy as shit and you can tell he’s skeeving her out as well. He does not blink. “Go to the head of the rattlesnake,” he tells her, “not the tail.”

She looks at him quizzically.

“Ask the question and listen to the tone of the voice. I know nothing about Watergate,” he intones, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Taylor nods at him but tells us she has no fuckin’ clue as to what he’s talking about.

Across the room Lisa introduces Brandi to Martin, coyly letting him know that she’s friends with Cedric. Martin jovially asks Brandi if Cedric borrowed money from her. Brandi looks embarrassed and a bit sick of this stuff now and says they know each other, that’s about it. And that Cedric never said anything bad about Lisa. Martin busts out laughing, saying, “Oh, what could he say, they let me live in their mansion? They let me drive their cars?” Brandi tells us that Lisa needs to move on. “What is she, 60? She shouldn’t act like that.” Lisa says she has moved on. In the bit..witches circle across the way it’s huddle time. Everyone but Adrienne leans in and cackles about Brandi wearing a cast and a 6-inch wedge considering the way she broke her foot. Oh, models will be models. They’re talking and laughing loud enough for Brandi to hear every word. She shakes her head ruefully and tells us that she can be just as bitchy as the best of them. I rub my hands together in glee.

And for further amusement, check out Lisa Vanderpump featured in a long video made by the British New Wave band ABC circa 1980.