Saturday, September 17, 2011

Back in NYC

Hi all,

Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am back in New York. Actually have been back for several days now but still feel out of place if you know what I mean. First of all, the trip itself was extremely awakening (I'll explain later). Secondly, it's always hard to come back to polluted air, stressed out people, and bad wine..
Seriously what is it with the pace in the city. Why is everyone running as if we all have a plane to catch? If the reason being late, why not just leave earlier? If the reason too many things to do, why not just do less? I don't know I am feeling it more than ever this time and it seems like a waste of life to me right now. We just don't ever stop and enjoy the day here. Even if there is no particular reason it's still a marathon to get from point A to point B. Europe is different. Maybe other cities in the US are different too but they are dull really. While in Europe you can be happily lazy, i.e. enjoy life at a very slow pace filled with fun things..
Sorry for digressing but I needed to explain why I'm feeling out of place since I got back from Spain. and have been avoiding my responsibilities, wink..

Anyway, the trip was amazing on many levels, yet as I already mentioned awakening too. Something absolutely unexpected happened in relation with my sibling and my own perception of the world. My sister and I had some unsettling developments that made me question many important life aspects. Most importantly, trust and belonging. It's too complex to explain. Besides, due to our family ties I have no intention on keeping it other than hers and my own business.
Then an amazing guy I met 2 years ago (and reconnected with every time I went to Spain) brought me to a place that I can say with no doubt is a Heaven on Earth. It was a beach right on the tip of the south of Spain, and where the Mediterranean sea meets the Atlantic Ocean. I am not going to describe it for there is no way I could ever do it. All I can say that when I was there I thought that this place was a reality in it's pure Godly form and everything else was just an illusion created by man.
I was touched by the events that happened to me during my trip. They made me look at life and people around me differently which made me happy and sad at the same time. Sad for realizing that I was very often wasting myself on undeserving people and that it took me awhile to realize it. Happy that I finally was able to see that and realize that it wouldn't happen again. I was able to see again that there are people you can trust and guys who can make you feel happy and safe even if just for the time spent together. I feel that I was able to turn back time and go back to being 20. Not only outside (my breakouts and freckles keep confusing people about my true age) but also inside. I learned how to trust again. I also realized that it was natural for me to trust and it is so much easier to do than not to.
The reason I lost it in the first place was because since coming to the US I always dated men relatively older than me (10-17 years senior) as I was looking for a father figure. You see, growing up, I was very close with my dad (more than my mom), and unconsciously was trying to replace him here with older men. Side effects were manipulation on their part and my lost trust in men as a result. It took me 9 years to realize that but as they say it's better late than never :) I could be wrong that this was the only reason for my lost trust, but I believe it was a major one. As I explore more on that subject, I am sure to let you know.

But for now, I will put a stop to this post as it's getting too long and most people already stopped reading it (too many things to do in NY), and I am not about to push myself either. But I will continue and it will be a fresh start, a fresh pair of eyes, still my true heart but with my newly reawaken faith.