We talk a lot about the need for buy-in. Most of us understand the value of willing cooperation, and we struggle mightily to actually have it come about. If it’s such a valuable concept, why is it so hard to achieve?

A UK colleague, David Molden, talks about the pitfalls as Foisting, Preaching, and Prescribing. Presenting an untested idea to people whose basic approach to life is “show me” is one of the more difficult ways to get people positively excited about your latest and greatest next new thing. Equally ineffective is believing that your excitement and emotional attachment are shared by others who may have alternative solutions. Prescription, the use of unilateral power, is a dangerous default.

So what seven steps are likely to help you become more effective in business leadership, family governance, and succession planning? Consider using this approach the next time you need “buy-in”.

1. Listen and Learn. If you want buy-in you have to establish rapport with the people you need. You do that by listening more than by talking.

2. Show that you understand. Repeat to your audience your understanding of their values and beliefs. The more they believe they are understood, the more rapport you will establish and the more they will be willing to consider what you have to say.

3. Distinguish between results and methods. It’s generally easier to get agreement on results and outcomes than it is on steps and techniques. If you insist on having everything your way, you may go home with nothing more than malicious compliance.

4. Be flexible. If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that funny things happen on the way to the forum. Learn to adjust easily and quickly to changing circumstances.

5. Integrate your ideas with the way things are done. Many times changed is introduced as something to be done in addition to everything else on someone’s plate. As busy as the world is today, not very many people are in the market for more to do. They’re even less likely to look for new ways to do things that require what they consider dramatic change.

6. Make a compelling case. Most of us have no problem with logic, we just don’t use it. Most people buy on emotion, not on reason. Provide enough information to satisfy the skeptics, and remember to tie your reasons to one of the four factors that influence a decision: Pride, Pleasure, Peace of Mind, Profit. The more connections you make to these four factors, the greater your chances of getting buy-in.

7. Finish with a call for action and commitment. If you don’t get it, then you need to back to step 1 and work on building more rapport. Resistance is almost always a sign of a lack of rapport, which is a form of connection. If you haven’t connected, you need to ask a few more questions and pay close attention to the answers. Reframe your approach, and play the game again.

In short, you cannot talk your way into buy-in. You can only listen your way in.