Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Press Conferences

The new way that the media will handle situations in which dumb ass politicians stick their fifth appendage where it doesn't belong.

They will not be allowed to speak in front of that bank of microphones.They will not be allowed to mince words. They will not be allowed to throw themselves on the mercy of whatever mercy exists.

They will simply be forced to stand there. Mute.

And their wives will be the only ones allowed to speak for them.

This way, we won't be forced to see their "little woman" standing alongside their man, feeling every admission as a personal lash of shame. There will be no idealistic "take one for the team" mentality.

I envision it a little like this:

Joe "I got Blowed" Politician stands mutely next to the podium as his wife approaches the microphone. Her hands are shaking but when she begins to speak, she does not cast her eyes downward, or heavenward. She looks straight into the camera. Straight into every single pair of eyes that are currently looking at her.

"I'd like to talk to you today about mistakes," she would begin. "Mistakes that brought me before you today. Mistakes made by a person that I have stood beside for years. Sacrificed my life for. Been dragged through the public wringer for. A man I dreamed with, hoped with, cared for, and believed in." She would get a steely glint in her eyes at this point.

"Ladies and gentleman? This man is a horse's ass. Good Day."

She would then imperiously march away from the podium. The horse's ass in question would get a face full of cameras but his tongue would still be silent.