Once Upon a Time "The Jolly Roger" Review: Your Curse Is On My Lips

I think we all have moments when the world seems so skewed, so baffling, so upside-down that surely the much simpler solution is that we ourselves are crazy. The idea of going crazy is by no means a comforting one, but certainly it’s less terrifying than the entire world being incomprehensibly alien. All this to say: Either Emma and Regina are supposed to be the slow-burn romantic endgame of Once Upon a Time, or the show is operating from so foreign a perspective to my own I might as well spend the hour from 8pm to 9pm on Sundays with a soup pot over my head, sipping bourbon through a straw and singing Christmas Carols. Because COME ON. But anyway: "The Jolly Roger" was so great! It was fun, it was entertaining, it paid off on Emma being the savior in ways we very rarely see, and it kept the plot relatively small yet emotionally potent—just the way I like my OUAT episodes to be/do.

After a cold open with a phantom ambush, we got to enjoy the adorable tableaux of the Charmings putting together an Ikea cradle, which is as sure a recipe for SIDS as I’ve ever heard. Then Regina came in with some good news about free works she was doing for them: She’d set up a Zelena-proof protection spell around the apartment. Snow looked mildly impressed, but Emma was like, “Remember how every problem that happens, we solve it by teaming up? In my life there’s been heartache and pain/ I don’t know if I can face it again/ Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far/ to change this lonely life... I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me! I wanna feel what love is. I know you can sho— oh wait I mean magic. Um everybody substitute ‘love’ for ‘magic’ but you were probably doing that anyway because that’s the main message of this show, love is the greatest magic, etc.”

Regina looked positively floored that Emma was talking about the two of them doing magic with both her parents in the room but she kept her cool and reminded Emma, “This is a way of life, maybe even, shall we say, an alternative lifestyle. Don’t play with my emotions. Are you going to fully commit to it or what?” And Emma was like, “YES OH GOD YES” and Regina was like, “It’s a date! See you in my super secret vault chambers very soon,” and I just quietly shook my head because fan-fiction writers may write for fun not profit, but that doesn’t mean OUAT should just lift wholesale chapters from their works! Nuh-uh! Not that I mind! Anyway.

David and Mary Margaret BEGGED to watch Henry (who is 12, an age at which many kids actually start babysitting, but okay), but Emma was like, “Remember the last time you tried to watch him for two minutes in the mines and Tamara and Greg stole him literally out from under your noses? I wouldn't trust you with the last sip of my Starbucks, let alone a child, and also you’re boring.” Snow and David were absolutely shocked. It was crystal clear that they see themselves as Storybrooke’s Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Hook meanwhile was moodily obsessing over Emma, as is his wont. Smee was begging him to crew up and get back to the pirate life (in this dimension ???? I can only imagine him and Hook waylaying a ship on its way to Boston and finding it full of, like, hard drives) but Hook was like, “I am deeply hurting right now, NOT that it's any of your business.”

And then he gave the broodiest look to Emma, who had searched him out at the docks for some free babysitting. She didn’t sugarcoat it either, she was like, “Yo me and Regina need some alone time to make magic, watch our kid?” and he was like, “I’d rather give out free foot rubs at the old folks home. Unless you are asking me this because you secretly want my body?” and Emma was like, “Just because I’m asking you to do me a favor doesn’t mean I won’t call your thirsty ass out like the straight-up bitch I most certainly am.” So he wished her good luck and agreed to make sure Henry didn’t, like, fall down a well or whatever.

I would love to know how Hook is explaining to Henry why he’s wearing the same pleather frockcoat every time they hang out. Does he claim to be a PR guy for Captain Morgan? A steampunk lifestyle blogger? Like, why would anyone wear that ish in 2014? The mind reels. If Henry has the memories of a savvy New York City kid, he wouldn’t be placated by any amount of tabletop crap games. His one and everlasting question would be, “Dude: What is your deal?”

In Lost Year Backstory Land, we learned that Hook had trained his pirates to be 'pirates without a boat', a.k.a. a gang. He was too lovesick for Emma to even frequent whores or prevent a 90-pound redhead from cornering him in an alley. Captain Hook got jumped by Ariel, who’d been given the slip by Eric and wanted some damn answers! The two quickly came to find out their goals had mysteriously aligned: The Dread Pirate Extra had kidnapped Prince Eric and was keeping him on Hook’s stolen Jolly Roger!

Meanwhile in the gray, damp, and misery-soaked beach of present-day Storybrooke, Snow and Charming were sharing an umbrella and a midlife crisis.

One moment they had been a trendy young pair of the royals, now they were desperate for validation from a 12-year-old. Their moping was interrupted by the realization that Ariel had washed up on shore and a group of Storybrooke locals were debating whether to bring her into Granny’s or beat her to death with an oar, I guess. Nothing puts a smile on Snow’s face like someone else’s problems, so she and Charming dove right in took charge of the situation.

This led to the Charmings hunting down Hook and quickly commandeering babysitting duties. Despite their daughter’s clearly expressed wishes that they NOT look after Henry, they sent Hook packing on a wild goose chase after Prince Eric and decided to win Henry's approval back with felony grand theft auto. Great parenting, guys. Were we supposed to be laughing at Henry mowing down mailboxes in an out of control vehicle? Isn’t it enough that the people of Storybrooke live in an existential void of half-resolved identities and stunted lives without worrying about Snow and Charming setting a tween loose in a two-ton pick up? And they were doing it just to seem “cool”!!! Ugh, remember when we all rooted for Snowing? These two are now officially the lamest people in town.

Elsewhere, the least lame people in Storybrooke, Regina and Emma, were meeting up for their magic-making session. First things first, Regina got REAL about Emma's relationship with Hook. All those "yearning glances" and "doe eyes" had clearly been driving Regina up a wall! Emma gave her like the most bored shrug, and Regina was like, "Good, now that's settled I am going to teach you how to get in touch with your emotions and feel your power and then manifest it through your body." And she handed Emma a grimmoire and guys, I think Emma might be illiterate.

She took a long look at what were CLEARLY Wiccan runes and was like, “Is this Spanish?” HAHAHAHA someone doesn’t know what the alphabet looks like. Realizing reading is not Emma's strongpoint, Regina did what soulmates do: She used an uncanny knowledge of how to motivate Emma to push her past her perceived limits in a way everyone else would have been too timid to attempt. She magicked Emma out to the middle of an Indiana Jones bridge and started pulling the planks away! And it worked!

Emma used Magneto-but-with-wood-planks powers to take a crumbling bridge and reassemble it under her feet, and then quite swaggily levitate over to Regina, who was furious. “Why are you angry?! I did it!” Emma asked, and Regina was like, “I’m not angry at you for not listening, I’m angry because we have the potential to be in beautiful character-building scenes like this on a regular basis but the show is wasting it you have so much potential in you that’s gone to waste.” I mean, I think it’s officially the nicest thing Regina’s said to anyone. Just a scene to give you shivers, whether you believe these two are future platonic co-parents or future married. Decent CGI, character growth all around, and Emma finally doing something savior-worthy.

Meanwhile: In Endless Flashback Dimension, Ariel and Hook had (quite easily!) found Blackbeard, and after 46 seconds of swordplay, Hook was about to skewer him like a barbecued shrimp but Ariel pointed out that only Blackbeard knew the location of the small desert island where Prince Eric was living! (and presumably learning some hard lessons about potable water and the mental consequences of complete isolation). But rather than keep Blackbeard alive to find Eric (and risk a mutiny), Hook made him walk the plank. It was all very Black Sails as performed by a high school drama club. Ariel told off Hook, then jumped into the ocean to search for Prince Eric via fishtail like she probably should have done in the first place.

Hook and Ariel in Storybrooke hunted down Eric’s cape at the pawn shop and magicked it with a spell that would make the cape zoom back to Eric, and hilariously it fell into the water and then started zooming down to the bottom of the ocean, suggesting that Eric was waaaaay dead. Ariel was like, “You’re a good man anyway, Hook” and Hook was like, “No, I’m terrible I’m awful you don’t remember this but I lost you your chance to find Eric sort of and I would do anything, anything to take that back!” and Ariel was like, “Oh yeah? Swear that on the name of the woman you love!”

Obviously this was the kind of set-up line Hook had been looking for all season. Finally an excuse to go full “Blood on the Dance Floor” emo. It took almost no prompting for Hook to swear by the name of the woman he loved, EMMMMMAAAAA SWAAAAN!!! Which is when Ariel hilariously turned into Zelena, complete with jaunty hat, and CURSED HIS LIPS. The TV Guide description five years from now: “Once Upon a Time (R): Pirate Hook has his lips cursed by a witch” LOL. Now if he should lay those lovin’ lips on Emma, all her magic will be gone forever, and Zelena can kill her!!!! But if he doesn't, Zelena will kill everyone Emma loves! Captain Swanners, be mad, this contrivance was designed to whip you into a frenzy.

The episode ended with Hook interrupting Emma and Regina’s cozy after-magic cocoa moment to tell Emma that he had no idea where Henry was. Good job babysitting! Then he watched awkwardly like the world's biggest third wheel as Regina taught Emma how to use the magic mirror to see what Ariel and Eric were up to (spinning around in the waves all alone on an island together, like you do), and then the Charmings came in chuckling about how they let a 12-year-old joyride up and down the streets. Nevermind this was a perfect opportunity to explain that in addition to hungry eyes, Hook now had cursed lips. I mean, he only had the two people in town with enough magic to do something about it standing right in front of him.

Hook left in an awful hurry. Will he force a kiss on her to keep her from taking more “magic lessons” with Regina? Will he tell her what's up and let her devise an "option C"? Will he start wearing an enormous pair of wax lips over his own lips to protect them both? Only time will tell.

The show left us with the unprecedented and thoroughly satisfying image of Regina joining the Charmings for dinner at Granny’s (and yes, Hook peeping through the shutters at them in the creepiest way). Aside from the pirate-peeping, the small moment was absolutely devastating. Just watching our favorites get to be normal, happy people for a single meal felt way more surreal and magical than any special effect on the show. Here’s to fleeting moments of transcendency in an ocean of confusion, on OUAT and elsewhere.

QUESTIONS:

... What is Hook going to do with his cursed lips?

... Should Hook have just asked Regina to un-curse his lips, or did he know she'd refuse because why would he be kissing her girl anyway?

... Did you call Ariel being Zelena?

... So real Ariel is off on a deserted island with Eric just making out nonstop?

... What sounds more fun: an afternoon with the Charmings or an afternoon taste-testing different fat-percentage milks (1%, 2%, whole, fat-free)?

Honestly the first thing he should have done is told them, because then a) Regina/Emma could un curse them and/or b) they'd be more cautious about the threat she made. Then again, it's all about the choice you make (and many of them have made stupid choices before) so why not eh.

Ugh Ariel seriously! She completely forgot about everyone here didn't she...And how on earth did Zelena find out about it? That's another question for another day i guess.

it was extremely touching that Regina was automatically included for dinner, given that she doesn't even need to be around since to Henry she's just "The Mayor". It's a huge step forward the way the Charmings have brought her into the fold and I hope they expand on that theme in future episodes.

Hook is the best thing that has happened to this show. Colin O'Donoghue is killin' it! I just *can't* when he appears all dad-like with Henry or going badass with Smee. Leather becomes him, imo, and IF he even gets to dress properly it'd be even more wonderful. Oh, who would think I'd love a pirate named Killian with a hook-hand and hate Peter Pan's guts. This show!

OMG!!! Lily Sparks you had me dyeing with laughter in class. This is my second time reading the review and its still funny. How do you come up with this stuff? So funny. You are turning me over to the darkside. I am totally shipping Emma/Regina because of you.

Bless you and your Swan Queen loving heart Lily. Bless it. People who don't get it are blind, plain and simple. Keeping burning that flame!

On a different note I watched the first part of this episode stoned (not illegal in my country. Keep your cool) and it was the best thing I've ever done. Every scene seemed ridiculous as all hell, except the Regina/Emma parts which seemed like part of an actual good show.
Maybe that note was not so different ;).

Still trying to understand why Emma is still the Savior or has any magical power at all (she was initially all street smarts plus aching heart). Neither of her parents are magically aptituded. I thought it was just Emma's position relative to the First Curse, now broken, plus a little inherited need to fix others' problems. Now I wonder if the subtext is sexual: does her status as a product of True Love give Emma a superpower to attract passion from others? Is she one hell of a blonde bedmate? Will Emma's sibling Superbaby also be magical?

Too bad you're not writing scripts for OUAT, Lily. I LOVE that you can analyze on four levels at once: Reality ("Do you even have a job, Dude?"), Philosophy (true love=magic), Romantic subtext (Swanqueen), and hilariously inappropriate ("We just replaced this clock face...").

David should definitely lend Hook some cords and a sweater. Then the leather coat would clue us in when he's in flashback mode.

David should also get back to law enforcement and deputize some other princes; think of the cute sitcom domestic tension his job could cause when new mom MM feels neglected! They are set up to become the series' bungling parents. Although no one has teased MM about her appetite or swollen feet yet.

Hook's probably gonna get kissed by Emma soon enough. That's my guess since he's backed off with his cursed lips and Emma will now be the one pursuing. I felt bad for Hook when he confessed everything; Colin is a great actor. I just wish they would throw give him depth more often.

I totally didn't call Ariel being Zelena but maybe I'm not as invested in other characters on the show besides some of the main ones.

I'm a Swan Queen fan and it's definitely refreshing to read what you have to say about that pairing!

I love every review you post for OUAT! They're hilariously entertaining and thorough!

So the swan queen obsession continues......[sigh]. That aside, we did get the odd second or so of the rest of the episode dealings; so yah on that. There's simple answer to the Hook's dilemma - do what Ned did in 'Pushing Daises'.....he kissed 'Chuck' by holding up a sheet of clingfilm, so his lips didn't actually touch hers, but they could still feel the kiss. Therefore Hook would be fulfilling the demands of Zelena to kiss Emma, but not in a way that would risk her magic. HAH! Take that greenie! Course he could just cover his lips in layers of emo black lipstick and eyeliner and that'd probably work too. ;)

Is it even possible to fall even more in love with hook because I just did. I loved this episode it was fun and full of emotional content. I did not see Ariel as zelena coming at all and why is hook not tell Regina about what happened and get her to fix it so he can kiss Emma and not steal her powers, I just hope he doesn't leave to protect her.

OK, I have to ask this has been bugging me for a while...... Why can David/Hook have a bromance, without the shipping but Emma and Regina can't? Why isn't here the equivalent for women, or is there and I'm just too old and out of touch to know about it? I do see the undertones in Regina/Emma, but I also get the same vibes from David/Hook. Sort of mutually intrigued by each other, not necessarily lusty attraction.

I read for the recaps since I can't always watch. And, Lily I think you are hysterical, even if I don't always agree with your spins. Keep up the entertaining work.

What is Hook going to do with his cursed lips?
-Try to keep away from Emma for a while, but he will eventually kiss her.

Should Hook have just asked Regina to un-curse his lips, or did he know she'd refuse because why would he be kissing her girl anyway?
-He should have asked

Did you call Ariel being Zelena?
-That was a surprise, but I started to get suspicious when she didn't dive in and follow the cloak even if it was to the bottom of the sea.

So real Ariel is off on a deserted island with Eric just making out nonstop?
-They probably come up for air to build a hut and maybe forage for coconuts every now and then.

What sounds more fun: an afternoon with the Charmings or an afternoon taste-testing different fat-percentage milks (1%, 2%, whole, fat-free)?
-I love milk

All she had to know is that Snow/Charming/whoever thinks Emma will save them. Still, given the way she just knocked Emma over during the duel, ya gotta wonder why she bothered... What does Zelena know that we don't?

I suppose Henry needs the babysitting because of all the flying monkeys, witches and curses thing. I'm pretty sure he was alone in New York plenty of times.

My heart aches for poor Hook. He should just tell about it, like always. Secrets suck, and besides, if they remove Emma's powers, is there really any way left ot beat Zelena? She isn't gonna let them live happily ever after anyway. Don't be silly now. I could also resolve this love triangle: the girls get each other and I can console Hook - and dress him up with something more sanitary.

Why the hell didn't Regina take Selena's heart when she had the chance???!! It's ridiculous! It's funny to see how Lana Parilla masters the art of being a big bad villain, she's amazing! This fight was fun :)

In the sense that you are sure that it will not happen, it is being presumptuous. It means you are hoping for something else but in this sentence, it means you're 100% SwanQueen will not happen, but without knowing how the show ends, it's making assumptions.

Just like hoping CS or OQ will be endgame, it is hope in the sense that you want to believe in it and it makes you wish for something. It's a positive hope and not the kind where you say "I hope they are NOT."
People are totally free to not want a SQ endgame, of course. But saying that it will NOT happen is being presumptuous because you do not know and yet you assert that other people's hope is invalid and that they're wrong. Which is presumptuous. Whereas hoping/wishing can't exactly be the same.

- Who's looking after Henry the Uncharmings?
- We're not making Tapas.
- You let him what!? and the the part that followed where she got quieter and quieter throughout her sentence Lol.

David is the worst Sheriff, if Henry doesn't get his memories back (get them back Henry!) then Emma getting offered the Sheriff position would be a credible way for her to stay and it not look too strange in Henry's eyes.

I think Hook traded his ship to get to New York and bring Emma back to Storybrooke. Most likely to Ursula.

If/when Henry gets his memories back and I do hope that he is the key in saving everyone or just Regina from her sister, I sort of want Hooks cheating dice "lesson" to come into play - "The point is you win"
Henry does something unexpected.

I don't see what everyones problem with Robin Hood is, I like him.
Also I get what Lily is saying with Emma and Regina but I more see it has developing a strong friendship like lynelltiller said.

I think of it as the friendship that Regina and Snow would of had if things hadn't gone wrong. Emma is a means of redemption for Regina. She is the savior for everyone, including Regina and that can seem romantic, but it doesn't have to be. Besides, now that I've seen Regina and Robin Hood together I think there is a lot of chemistry there.

True, this exists. and may explain why the characters have been written as heterosexual. I think there's only strong admiration and respect between these two women, even some growing affection, without necessarily meaning they crave anything sexual or physical.

Umm okay so yes your summaries are very funny, but I was pretty offended by this. I freaking love Snowing, and I thought it was hilarious when they took Henry out for a drive..it was all in good fun though extremely reckless yes. And the Charming family rocks! Need I remind you that Regina can fall into that category when it comes to talking about the Charming family, so I'd say they were pretty damn cool personally. Ugh people who say that Snowing is boring annoy me so much, there would have been no show without them just saying.

I adored Charming & Snow season 1, I have to say their moral inability to defend themselves from literally anything has gotten a little grating. However I think it's unusually realistic for them to be facing the spectre of "becoming boring" as that's what happens to a lot of young parents when they make the transition from "young couple" to "young parents"- something these two haven't faced before. So it's actually sort of a nice thing for them to deal with, granted they dealt with it in a characteristically boneheaded way.

The fact that there would 'be no show without them' doesn't preclude them from being boring. It also doesn't give them a free pass to be boring. They're two of our key characters. We want to be interested in them. (Although turning them being boring into a story point was a good way to approach it even if the pay off was pretty poor). And since you agree that allowing Henry to drive at the end was reckless, I really don't see what there is to be offended by.

They should make Once Upon a 13 episode season. So each episode is more concentrated and overall the pace would get better. This episode was not completely bad (like the tower one). But again the pace is slow. All this ordeal to get the captain lips cursed. (similar to the tower one, all to get The prince courage).

The best part was the pirate fight, and the bridge scene. The rest was lame.

Summary: Emma is learning to control her powers, and Hook lips get cursed...

There was something very fulfilling about watching Hook fight Blackbeard. First off I think the actor was just excited that he finally got to do some sword fighting like a proper swashbuckling pirate, on a ship. With their shadows on the sail, and the fact that Blackbeard looked exactly how the traditional Hook is dressed, it was very Peter Pan, but in the proper way, not the creepy shadow and endless jungle we got before. It gave us the visual we had been hoping for (at least I had). It also gives us an idea what it would have been like if Hook was a villain instead.

1. I feel like this episode runs exactly counter to his last episode. When Pan gave him the choice to tell Emma about Neal he wasted about three seconds before telling her parents and then her finding out. This time, he's actually lied to her. I still think he will tell her though. But a year is a long time to be without someone, and he obviously went some dark places but who knows. I don't see him doing any sneak attacks though.

2. Obviously talking to the resident magic expert would be a good idea. But maybe he thinks he's being watched, which if he doesn't he's stupid, and we know Hook isn't stupid.

3. I did about 5 seconds before she pulled the whole 'swear to me' thing, but only because I thought wow she looks like Zelena right now. Maybe she is???? They have similar hair and eye colour.

4. Wouldn't you be?

5. An afternoon with the Charmings that involves destruction of public property and underage driving or an afternoon of cradle cap and baby talk? Because David is right, they can be fun, chasing giants around town, letting grown puppet men get turned back into little boys, tracking the big bad wolf. The problem is every time Snow starts talking about the time she stole the crown jewels and traded them to trolls, or that time they stormed a castle and took back their kingdom she has to convert that back into 'normal' for Henry and it ends up sounding more like she was in a gang.

The whole "normal for Henry's sake" plot device is getting blown out of the water, if previews are accurate, by Zelena grabbing the boy. If that doesn't start the question mill, nothing will! He may not get all his memories back right away, but they're doing wonders with family therapy these days...

Just trying to explain the family tree is going to require therapy...Here is your Grandmother, who just so happens to be the step daughter of your adoptive mother, which kinda makes her your sister... And here is your mothers new boyfriend who was also your dad's kinda step dad until he traded him to your great grandfather. Who by the way, convinced you to rip out your own heart and shove it in his chest. But don't worry, that didn't work, so he traded bodies with you for a while. Is anyone else getting headache?

I actually don't think Hook could've convinced Emma that he was telling the truth. "If you don't kiss me your whole family will die"... sounds a lot like an evil manipulative ruse to get Emma to date him... I'd hope that Emma would trust he isn't making that up, but it does kind of sound like a terrible ploy.

Haha!
Yeah, but her threats really sounded empty when she said them! She did not convince me.
Besides, Hook is a freakin' Pirate, who spent a large part of his life seeking revenge from RUMPLESTILTSKIN! Aka the guy who taught Zelena everything she knows about magic! He's not afraid of a few trained pets!

Also, WHY didn't he tell everything when Emma, Henry, Regina, Hook and the Charmings were all in Regina's magic bubble in which Zelena can't hurt them? I mean, they're here all day, plotting again the wicked witch, who CAN'T hurt/hear them here, AND everybody he remotely cares about was IN this bubble. So why not tell them then, instead of leaving this SAFE PLACE?

This "I have ears and eyes everywhere, and I'll kill people using evil flying monkeys if you don't obey" just sounds like the writers are telling us: "we'd like to fill at least one more episode with Hook being tortured by this "no kissing spell", and then get rid of Emma's powers because they're embarassing, so please, don't question Zelena's absurd and empty threats"

This is probably true. Except best explanation I have for this, is the fact that Hook probably doesn't know it's safe. He wasn't there when it was done, then Emma was like hey watch my kid, bye. Henry knew nothing, then it was chasing Ariel/Zelena and then that lovely scene where he gets a demonstration of what he would be taking away from Emma if he does what he is seriously thinking of doing. At no point was he told/could he have known that apartment was safe.

AWWWWWEEE COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!! Really ... CURSING HIS LIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok - nothing about the whole "Stripping Emma's Powers" thing makes sense. "For some reason, you can't touch her." "No, I can't... so steal her powers with this magical cursed lips....".
HANG ON - didn't Zelena throw Emma through the air, before turning her attention to Regina, in the street showdown?
And surely Henry has to be wondering why all these "RANDOM STRANGERS" are SOOOO nice to him.
This is getting twisted beyond belief... The whole Ariel thing made no sense. The whole Blackbeard thing was just "Meh"!
I didn't hate this episode - as I do like a good Pirate Fight... But dang it.. I did not like it either.
But one thing I DID get out of this episode - was the QueenSwan thing. Lily's review was spot on around that. Every bit of Emma/Regina time onscreen was total "Intense Eyes". LOL LOL LOL
Really need the writers to start reading these comments and taking on the Fanbase Feedback. We need to start seeing some storylines that ACTUALLY make sense.
Oh and bring the Knave into Storybrooke - his wit is a necessity.

Oh I loved her---and she could be next villain if she is somehow reconsituted-going after Regina for trapping her. It could happen-she is somehow still in existence and if in Fairy tale land people were still alive (like Hook's pirate friend with red cap) who was a rat and then returned to normal when either sent back to SB or Enchanted. It would also be interesting if as a part of Regina's Xena like redemption, she helps malificient?

Either way, I'm sorry, I realize fairy tales aren't the most educational thing on earth (don't get me started with all their terrible moral teachings) but a 12 year old driving is a terrible thing and the charmings think that being good grandparents means putting people in danger is horrible.

I could imagine how the writers were brainstorming ways to stall for time regarding Hook & Emma: How about he gets turned into a flyin' monkey? Or Hook getting a job in Vegas for several episodes? The Green Witch turns him into the village idiot? We could keep the character intact if she just curses his privates, that's all what we're really concerned about here. No, a little too humiliating, maybe just his mouth, yeah that's it. We'll tentatively call the episode "cursed lips sink relationships".

This review is yet the most hilarious one you've done Lily. I mean look at this:
At least the being hot thing comes before everything. I could really imagine him saying that in his mind with that look on his face.

... What is Hook going to do with his cursed lips?
Oh, he's probably going to do that broody "Edward Cullen" (I'm ashamed for knowing that) thing and brood all about how horrible a choice he has to make. I suppose at the end he is going to kiss Emma and Emma is going to lose her Magic and it will be all kinds of suspenseful or whatever.

... Should Hook have just asked Regina to un-curse his lips, or did he know she'd refuse because why would he be kissing her girl anyway?
He could have asked but didn't probably because Emma was there and he didn't wanna be embarrassed make her worry or something.

... Did you call Ariel being Zelena?
At the end when Ariel was being all "Swear by your love's name" yes. She was acting all Zelena like.

... So real Ariel is off on a deserted island with Eric just making out nonstop?
Of course she is. Got to make up for all that time lost.

... What sounds more fun: an afternoon with the Charmings or an afternoon taste-testing different fat-percentage milks (1%, 2%, whole, fat-free)?
Before this episode, I would've gone with the latter but after this episode.... Definitely choosing the Charmings. For once in her life, Snow White was using her brain and asking David whether it was safe but he was all like "It's safe, y'all. We are the funnest. WE ARE THE CHARMINGS!!! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!!"

At the end Hook was being all creepy spying on Emma with the telescope thing. He was awesome at the beginning, in season 2, now he's another one of them Charming like people. His bad-assness has really been halved with all this.

Not sure about Emna starting to moon over Hook but I think he might do something selfless and she'll kiss him like after he helped Charming. Zelena being Ariel was a surprise to me. Also why can't Zelena kill Emma and does it have something to do with Regina?

If you kill Emma, you break the curse. It's why Regina couldn't just kill her in the fist season and had to use the apple. It's just the same curse over and over, and Emma is still the saviour so it all revolves around her.

But it's not the same curse. Emma was the Savior for the first curse because that curse was written in the blood of Snow and Charming's True Love and so their daughter was the loophole. But Regina destroyed that piece of paper in the winter finale when she destroyed her curse and thus Pan's as well.

Zelena's curse is an entirely new one. I guess it's possible that Rumple could have used Snow and Charming's blood once again to write out the curse, but since in FTL he's on Zelena's leash, it's kind of hard to see how he would have managed it.

But my guess is that Zelena doesn't want to kill Emma because she needs some part of her for the time travel spell.

Ok, I just assumed it was the same one. Seems unlikely that she would make a new one, especially since it obviously took Rumple so long to make the original one, and it was a big deal how evil and powerful it had to be. I don't remember the piece of paper though so you're probably right. She would've needed the heart of the thing she loves most to use the other one, and the thing she loves most is obviously herself. It make the reason for not killing Emma much more interesting though. Maybe she needs something from both the Charming kids.

eugh no Hook is probably gonna be all like "I want you gurl, but I can't have ya so I'm gonna love you from afar" (with a creepy ass spyglass) and then Emma's gonna be like "But I thought you were yearning for me now that I realize that I don't got ur beautiful face with your beautiful eyebrows in my bed I WANT U NOW!" and then kiss him or whatever and then she's gonna be stripped of her magic
Then again, Regina's gonna be all like "But I was just about to teach you some cool shit....... YOU HAD THE POTENTIAL!" and then Zelena's gon' say "hehehe, destroy what Regina loves most AMIRITE?!"
Not looking forward for Emma "yearning" for Hook, but since Zelena wants to take away everything Regina loves, the thing she takes is Emma's magic? WOW, Greenie's the biggest SQ shipper ever.

I love the geography of storybrooke. Need a port? Voila! Need a long, sandy beach perfect for romantic walks? Got one right here. Need a deep, narrow canyon with flimsy rope bridge? It's over there. And island just off the coast? It's that way.

Also being forced to walk the plank in port, less then a stone's throw away from shore is so dangerous....

"You and waht army?" "Well, I'm glad you asked." As I said, for all the siliness UOAT can still deliver some very good lines.

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