Dh and I have talked about the possibility of going to see a marriage counsellor. But I was thinking, a huge part of the problem is communication and clarity around what our problems actually are. It would be useful if there was some kind of online or electronic tool that could effectively diagnose exactly what our issues are so we can find a way to start working on them. Often when w talk, it feels like we just go round in circles. If anyone can recommend something, I would appreciate it.

One good way to avoid the "merry-go-round" that feels like accusations and then counter accusations, is to try just writing your grievances down in letter form so the other has a chance to reflect on them before responding.

A few good rules of thumb are to keep them mostly positive, and for anything that is a problem, include a few things that you really appreciate about your spouse. Also keep them focused on your feelings. If you feel unappreciated, say that, instead of " you don't appreciate me". Instead of "you are always yelling", say " I feel like this when you yell".

I have found it to be a very good communication tool to avoid escaltions, and actually start to resolve things.

Of course, when a letter like that is addressed to you, you need to recieve it with an open heart and an open mind.

(Don't let the title throw you.) This book was a marriage changer for us. It takes you through 12 weeks of working through your stuff, with each other and through what you've transferred into your marriage from your childhood and past. It helps teach the husband to lead. It guides you in communication. It works on learning how to deal with conflict. It brings the couple back together. I would guess, if you go through this and stay committed to it (it's not an easy process), by the end, you will have found the issues and begin working on them, or it will be very clear what they are because you've gotten everything else out of the way.

Personally, now that I have seen a counselor and how they tend to work, and this book that is written by a counselor. The book is much more effective, in my opinion, and a TON cheaper. But, we both are "let's get things done" type of people. The time with a counselor seemed like more time was wasteful than useful.

God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

Prepare-enrich is a scientic tool trained counselor and facilitators can use. You take a test online and meet with a trained facilitator or counselor to get the results. The test is over 230 questions and geared towards the couple based on factors like: dating, engaged, married, living together, kids, over 50, never married, multiple marriages, etc. it measures various values and personality styles.

There is a slightly smaller online test by the same company based on their research called, couplecheckup. (couplecheckup.com) You don't need to go to a counselor to get the test results and the cost is $35. If you're having significant issues, the first is probably the way to go...or you could take the test and see your results and to it to a counselor to ask for help. The results show general results (vs how you answered spec questions) and make suggestions on things to discusss.

Both tests will show whether you're a vitalized, conflicted or devitalized couple and where/what/how a couple is similar or different and how you may interact with one another.

I've taken both, the prepare-enrich one as a part of pre-engagement counseling and the couples checkup 4 months later after our engagement was a couple months in.