It’s Not Hard to Say Goodbye

What do you do when someone you were fond of decides they’re no longer fond of you? Do you plead with them to stay in your life? Or do you say, “Oh well. Fuck you,” and keep it moving?

I’ve moved along the spectrum – between “please don’t go” and “get the hell on, motherfucka.” As a teenager, I was obsessed enough with a boy to grovel at his feet, beg, protest, cry, sleep in the window so I could watch his house – even lightly cut my wrist a with a steak knife when he went away to Job Corps. Couldn’t live without him. I was also crazy enough to pull out a butcher knife on him, slap him in the face, and wrestle him, even though he was more than a foot taller than me. He wound up going to prison. Even still, it took years for me to move on emotionally.

As an adult, I cared enough about a guy to want to continue a romantic and professional relationship with him (not a “girlfriend-boyfriend” situation) even though he was clearly being an asshole. Or maybe I was just in denial. Maybe it was both. I never pleaded or groveled – at least not verbally, but my actions were definitely counter to his. Distance and time healed that wound. Setting emotion aside, I still think he has great qualities that I admire, but that’s where it will stay.

Most times in between, I pretty much said, “Oh well, BYE!” And added a few verbal and or non-verbal “fuck you’s” in the mix too. What the hell? If you wanna go, don’t let me stop you.

Well, I didn’t quite say that when a boyfriend cheated on me. Actually, I didn’t even know his reason for needing ‘space’ was that he had gotten another girl pregnant. I found out nine months later when the ten pound baby boy was born. I never said “fuck you” outright when he requested space. I cried for about a week, permed my hair (after wearing a short natural and braids for three years), and a month later started dating a guy who had been watching/ stalking me while I was busy being faithful to him. I never spoke to the cheater again until 11 years later. Came across him on Facebookaround the same time I was splitting with the guy who took his place. I learned that he’s facing deportation back to the Caribbean. But anyway, like basically, “fuck you.”

Somewhere along the lines, I conditioned myself to let go. I learned to tell myself “if this person does X,Y,Z, that’s it. I’m letting them go.” It’s much worse when you care, but life goes on.

This may have something to do with my father leaving the household when I was twelve. He and my mother stayed separated but married until he passed away in 2010. My steely resolve may have something to do with the fact that I’ve always had a strong personality, from as far back as Kindergarten. Out of three sisters, and me I was the one generally labeled “mean.” I’ll take that.

And at this point, I have low tolerance. I admit.

Earlier this year, I met a guy at this after work spot/ nightclub in Manhattan called Le Pomme. I can’t remember his name, but he was 27 years old. I was a little taken aback when he offered to take me to Dallas BBQ’s but I thought, “okay, let me be open-minded.” The food made my stomach bubbly and sick, but after lunch we saw The Hunger Games at the IMAX Theater in Times Square, which was pretty cool. After that night, he never called again. I was almost relieved because I sensed his lack of confidence and wasn’t feeling him anyway. “Oh well, BYE.”

I’ve become cool with guys on social networking. Juicy conversations turn into the occasional “hey, just checking to see how you’re doing” (if that). At least once, cheerful conversations turned to blocking someone altogether. Well, such is the nature. I don’t take it personal. It happens.

The point is this: I take my time investing feelings and emotions into relationships because when I care, I care. When I love, I love hard. I can’t go loving hard and caring about everyone, and letting people in left and right. And when people want to exit my life, I know that I’ve survived ‘x’ amount of years without them and I will continue to do so. I’m not chasing anyone. People and resources tend to always show up right on time. And no matter what, I learn from every experience. I’m always able to find some value in having known ‘that person’ who chooses to ride out. BYE.

Is it better to beg and plead, give less than two fucks, or find a middle ground? Thoughts? Comments?

As we learn and grow from our experiences we change. We get scarred from the past and we do things differently. When I was younger I had no patience I would do a little pleading and begging but I would quickly say fuck you. I cut men off for all types of reasons. But then I got soft and started staying way past the expiration date. I think you have to have a middle ground. Nothing worth keeping or loving is easy. Even motherhood can be trying. You gotta take the good with the bad. But ultimately only you know when enough is enough. Sometimes you definitely have to say fuck you. But never give up on love.

Very well said. I agree that finding a middle ground is necessary. If you stay at either extreme, you will overlook love, or hold on too long to someone who isn’t right for you. I would never give up on love! When it’s good, it’s spectacular. Lol.

It all depends how fond is fond, I guess a little pleading and begging is okay, but at the same time you don’t wanna make that person who is no longer fond of you a priority in your life. I think it’s safe to say that when someone isn’t fond of someone anymore it’s something that didn’t happen overnight. The “unfounding” of a person begins way before you find out that your mate isn’t fond of you anymore. I was always taught to wipe my tears instead of crying for help sort of like when life gives u lemons you make lemonade concept, I was also told/taught to be a winner in life but I think I’ve learned more from my losses than my winnings. Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it, fuck you, or Bye and just keep it moving.

Hmm. Interesting perspective. If we talk long-term relationships for a second, once one person decides to leave, or is no longer fond of their partner, I don’t think begging, pleading, or holding on to their ankles while they walk away will help. For them, the relationship has taken its course. They may regret leaving later, but that’s another story. Even in shorter term situations, men kick women to the curb all the time with no second thoughts, no matter how much she blows up his phone. I’m not saying nothing is worth holding on to or fighting for, but it’s not everyday you find it either.

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I'm a writer daylighting as a banker! I started this blog as a single woman in my 30s, and while it has blossomed to include conversations on spirituality and travel, the basic premise is still relationships. I like exploring love relationships (they're fascinating) and the idea that we take ourselves wherever we go (from relationship to relationship, city to city, country to country, etc.) So self assessment is always necessary for growth. And you know if I'm writing about relationships (romantic and otherwise), topics also include dating, lust, the single life, getting ready to be ready (for whatever kind of relationship you envision), etc.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. If we're doing it right, expansion is ongoing. We never stop. This blog evolves, as I do. But -- I can only write from a woman's perspective, for us, and for those who love us.