(Indeterminate, like me. Think outside the box, but when you step outside the box ... try to keep one foot in)

Friday, July 15, 2011

Math Jokes

No matter what I serve my guests, they seem to like my Math jokes best.

*********

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

************

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems

... Alfréd Rényi

************

A topologist is a mathematician who can't tell the difference between a doughnut and a coffee mug.

************

Did you know that all numbers are interesting? What’s that? You don’t believe me? Well I have a proof. Suppose not every number is interesting. Then let n be the smallest uninteresting number. That’s a rather interesting property isn’t it?

... Ron Graham

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?

A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

Q. Why do mathematicians like national parks?

A. Because of the natural logs.

Q: Why didn’t Newton discover group theory?

A: Because he wasn’t Abel.

The integral of e raised to the power of x equals the function of u raised to the power of n.

(Write it out in notation to see the joke)

Did you really write it out? You didn't do that in your head? ;-)

True story:

A student walked into his discrete math class late and in order not to interrupt he put his late slip on the teacher's desk furtively without the teacher noticing. The teacher noticed the slip on his desk afterwards. He commented "I see you put this slip on my desk without me noticing. I guess that's why they call this class discrete mathematics."

There is a shipwreck, and the only three survivors are a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Mathematician, in a rowboat.

After some time drifting about the seas, eventually they get get to talking and get to know each other. One day the doctor asks, "Is it better to have a wife or a girlfriend? I would say it's better to have a wife. I work long hard and emotional hours, and it's really great to have a caring wife who cooks great meals, cleans my clothes, and expertly manages our home and children."

The lawyer says, "I think it's better to have a girlfriend. I'm a Divorce Lawyer and the cost to the man in Divorce is so extreme I don't see where having a wife is worth the risk."

The mathematician says, "I think it's better to have both."

"What !?" say the doctor and lawyer. "Why?"

"Because," the mathematician says, "You can tell your wife you're working late, and your girlfriend you need to spend time with your family, which gives you more time to work on proving the Riemann Hypothesis !"

Our friend Jerome Chauvet had this posted the original time I put this up, which I thought was great:

Another one, heard from a 11 years old boy, which is more about logic:

Me : That's wrong ! You schould write this instead.Schoolboy : No!Me : What does this means? Write the correct answer now!Schoolboy: I said no!!!Me : Why?Schoolboy: Well, I've always been told that the more you have mistakes, the better you get... Since I want to become the best in Mathematics ever, I need to make many mistakes, so I do not correct them.

Although I have always appreciated such humour, however as you know I’m not one to be principally guided by metrics, yet more so by qualitative considerations. Thus I’m more inspired by what philosophers have to tell us rather than mathematicians. Then there is the odd time when both happen to be the same and thus present the most starting of revelations ;-)

“Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.”

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

About Me

My weblog is named "Multiplication by Infinity", because "Division by Zero" was taken ... and "Division by Infinity" makes me feel very small ... Steven Colyer's Musings in Mathematical Physics and its Effects on Humanity and other Lifeforms.... And Pure Mathematics, Computer Science, Applied Mathematics, Experimental Physics, Engineering, Astronomy (not Cosmology so much), Space Exploration and Lunar Colonization.
I am a Rutgers 1979 Mechanical Engineer (Pi Tau Sigma) and Rutgers 1989 MBA.
("I study Politics and War that my children may study Mathematics and Philosophy."
- 2nd U.S. President John Adams)
I've already studied enough Politics and War and Economics for one lifetime, and so it's time for Math and Science