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Talking makes the difference between a good send off and a stressful one

24 September 2010

Life is always interesting when you work as a funeral director. No two days are the same. My job, at the most basic level, is to make funeral arrangements and treat a deceased person released into our care with the utmost respect. But any undertaker will also tell you that the career is a vocation – it is as much about dealing professionally and sensitively with families and loved ones who come to you after their parent, grandparent, spouse, partner, child or friend has died. Left behind by the deceased, mostly deep in mourning, sometimes reeling from shock – being a funeral director means treating the bereaved gently and with compassion. Contrary to popular supposition, it helps to be a ‘people person’ when you are a funeral professional. Little wonder that undertakers have the reputation for being the life and soul of any party. Given the high level of interaction and contact with bereaved families that comes with the job, after 20 years as a funeral director it is obvious when the deceased communicated what they wanted for their funeral and how they wanted to be remembered before they died. Whether they wrote their wishes down or broached the subject in conversation, the end result is the same. Talking about what you want makes it easier for the people around you and you are more likely to have your wishes fulfilled. Family and friends are better able to cope with their bereavement and are less distressed – even when organising the funeral from scratch. Many in the prime of life tend to assure themselves that if they won’t be around to see their own funeral they don’t care what the arrangements are. Someone else can sort them - right? Wrong. Families coming to my practice with a clear idea of what their loved one wanted – whether that’s an eco-coffin or Led Zeppelin at the funeral service - tend to use the funeral as a true opportunity to say goodbye without wondering whether it is what the deceased would have wanted. Many of us put dying, death and bereavement into a psychological box. As a society our unwillingness to talk about it isn’t just unhelpful - it can be damaging. I’ve seen firsthand how important it can be to talk about what we want after we die, and how beneficial it can be to clearly communicate to loved ones what we want to happen to us at the end of our lives. That’s why I am a committed member of the Dying Matters Coalition – we need to convince others that it is good to talk. Posted by John Harris, T.Cribb and Sons Funeral Directors