Sunday, 9 December 2012

A while ago I told myself I wouldn't care and
for some time, I didn't and to be honest, it was easy to live without
caring about you because it was living without dealing with you, without
hurting.

But truth, especially bitter ones can only be buried for so long
before they snake their way out of the dirt into heat that melts tears beneath
my closed eyelids and threatens to break me completely. Because the truth I try
to run away from is that it hurts that after years of friendship and a million
moments shared and countless jokes and laughter that bound us together, all you
can remember is the bad phases and the fights and where I messed up. I know
where I was wrong and where I let my temper get ahead of me and let myself
speak what I didn't mean in the heat of the moment, but I've changed when you
were gone and I've learnt to shut up before I hurt people I care about.

But you
won't understand and today all you could possibly think of me is the person I
once was and you refuse to change that frame of mind and you refuse to believe
I do care, so much that the notion has gained momentum and a lot of people have
ended up telling me I don't care as much I should about you, and some days I
wonder if it's people's opinion that hurts me or the voices inside my own head. I did try, not to care to save myself from being hurt by the resentment you
hold for me, but you can't bottle up and forget feelings, I do care and it does
hurt and I wish it wasn't like this and I wish I could rewind and change what I
did or make you forget where I failed as a friend. Some days I wish you
wouldn't dismiss so easily what we had, I wish you would forgive me because I
was a kid like you, and still had so much to learn, even though I thought I
didn't. I wish people would think before they judged me and our friendship so
easily and sometimes I wish I had an outlet for this frustration that
builds inside me for all the things I can never change.