a gabry girl still living in a barren world

iui #2

It was nice that we were in Michigan when we found out the result of our first IUI because it kept my mind occupied. We were with my family who, at the time, had no idea about our infertility struggles so I didn’t get bombarded with questions of whether it not it worked. It was nice to be around my family during this weekend. They have never have asked me when were having kids or even made comments suggesting they want another grand baby. They know these are inappropriate questions to ask (unlike most of the world who feels your reproductive system is their business). This is exactly what I needed. I needed to escape the rejection. Here are some memories from that weekend:

When we got back home a few days later it was just about time to jump into the beginning phases of our next IUI. My doctor decided to try this cycle on lower doses of Clomid and Follistim in hopes that the my uterine lining wouldn’t thin out. I took the medications as directed and we went in for our second IUI on December 15, 2016. This day was pretty significant for Brandon and I. It was the day we met for the very first time 7 years ago. I was hoping this was a good luck charm. This IUI was later in the day which was nice for both of us. We went through the same motions as before when we got there. Brandon’s numbers were even better this time and I was working with 2 good follicles. When they were ready for us we went into the room and I laid down with my feet in the stirrups. The nurse came in to perform the IUI and when she went to turn on her light it wouldn’t go on. It’s obviously pretty important that she be able to visualize where things are being inserted so we had to have a light. It was quite a sight to see everyone scrambling to get it to work while I lay there with no pants on waiting to be inseminated! I was also holding on to our sample between my two hands to keep it warm since the IUI was being delayed due to all this. At one point Brandon was laying on his back on the floor trying to see if he could fix it for my poor nurse who told us she had no idea how to do it since this rarely ever happens. It was entertaining watching this unfold. No one could fix it and we ended up having to switch rooms. The picture below was the second room with a working light!

We all laughed at what had happened and my nurse said hopefully this would be a good story to tell in the delivery room. Fingers crossed it would be!

We went home and proceeded with the next 2 weeks like we did before. Progesterone was consistent with ovulation again! The day I got my progesterone checked (7 days after our IUI) I started to spot very lightly. I knew this was different than every other time I spot before a period. I’ve never spotted this early in my cycle and all the research I’ve done has said that implantation bleeding happens right around this time. For the first time I was actually excited to be spotting and thought this could be our month.

Implantation spotting, at most, only last a a few days. The spotting I was experiencing was going beyond that. I was confused what was going on so I took a home pregnancy test 2 days before I went in for my blood pregnancy test. It was negative. I was crushed again. I dealt with it the same way I dealt with the first unsuccessful IUI but this one I took a lot worse. I cried even harder and hated myself even more. I told Brandon I was sorry. I was sorry because if he ended up with someone else he could have had a family by now. He told me I was crazy for saying something like that and he only wants a family with me but I couldn’t help but have thoughts like these. I decided that I couldn’t continue to deal with this pain. I just couldn’t even bear to think about going through 2 more IUIs that wouldn’t work. The success rate of an IUI for me was 15-20%. This is the same success rate for an average couple who try to conceive without infertility issues. The rejection from these IUIs was taking so much out of me. I made a decision to do what was best for me. I needed a break and I didn’t want to put myself through anymore when the success rate wasn’t even that significant. I told Brandon I didn’t want to jump into another IUI next cycle and he wanted to do whatever I thought was best for me. I wanted a break from the world of infertility for a month or so. I was ready to move on to IVF.

I went to have my blood pulled 2 days later even tho I knew what the result would be (or so I thought). I had to work that afternoon but kept my phone out so I could talk to the nurse when she called. I wanted to tell her that we were ready to move on to IVF. When the nurse called she started asking me if my home pregnancy tests were negative. I was confused why she was asking this and wondering why she just wasn’t telling me the result was negative. She then told me my HCG level was above 5 which technically meant I was pregnant. She started to explain what was going on but I didn’t hear anything she was saying. I stopped her. Whoah whoah wait, did you just say I was pregnant???? She could tell I was in shock and also confused. She went on to explain that any HCG level above a 5 means pregnancy. My level was an 8. Wayyyyy to low to be a healthy and stable pregnancy. She said I was having a biochemical pregnancy. A what? What the hell is that? What I came to learn was that an egg was fertilized but for whatever reason my body rejected it. She told me to come in 5 days later to have my levels rechecked but to not get my hopes up. It wasn’t a good pregnancy and I should expect to get my period over the weekend. Without me even bringing it up she said our doctor was OK with us moving on to IVF. This made me feel more confident with our decision. I fought through the tears on the phone with the nurse and managed to schedule an IVF consultation with our doctor in the upcoming weeks. Remember this whole phone call took place while I was at work. Not ideal but it’s a good thing everyone at my job knows what’s going on or else it would have been very hard to hide the tears and disappointment. They embraced me with hugs when I explained what was going on. They know by now that nothing can be said to make it better and a hug is the best form of support.

I went in 5 days later to have my HCG rechecked. I had gotten my period in the mean time and everything was confirmed that the pregnancy didn’t stick.

So im just a stranger here but I want to tell you that I wish I had thought to do a blog when I went through all of this…it seems like it could have helped my family and close friends (and even strangers) to understand what I was feeling and thinking. It seems so cathartic and i hope it helps a little. Once we finally sought help from doctors it was still over a year before i got pregnant…but everything I went though then seems like it was seriously nothing now. Surgeries, hormones, iui procedures, injections, Ivf…it felt like the loneliest time of my life. I know its not the same talking to someone about it if they already got their positive outcome, but reading this really brings back all the emotions. I hope you can stay positive and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!