Select Book Reviews From the Storch Family Library

July 17, 2009

FULL DISCLOSURE: I was not paid to do any of these reviews and I paid for all of these books with my own cash money, except for maybe one or two that I received as political campaign hush incentives Christmas presents from my mom. Also, these are not actually reviews at all, because whatever, like I care about giving you people useful content. I mean, really.

Noah: *learns a very important lessons about the inevitable disappointment of sequels*

Panda Bear, Panda Bear, What Do You See?

Amy: "And that's how George Lucas and the Wachowski brothers ruined their franchises. The end. Goodnight, sweetie."

Peek-a-Boo Baby Faces!

Noah: Are you kidding me with this nonsense? Photos of stupid babies with one word of text per page? Honestly, Mother, I'm not sure what's worse: that you paid money for this crap, or that you didn't think of it yourself, thus making a fortune and then using that money to buy me MORE INTERESTING BOOKS.

Jason: *quietly retells the story of a shrewish Mrs. Mallard and her deadbeat husband who abandons the eight ducklings to run off with a slutty swan*

Noah: *totally doesn't notice because OMFG DUCKS DUCKS DUCKS*

The Monster at the End of This Book

Noah: Yay!

Amy: Yay! Something from my childhood that is actually as good as I remember! Take that, stupid ducks.

The Snowy Day, by EZRA Jack Keats, Bitches

Noah: Also yay, although mostly for the page that says: PLOP. Because "PLOP" is apparently the funniest word in the English language.

Amy: This book should be required reading for everybody on earth, just so they'll stop thinking that we 1) made Ezra's name up, 2) gave him a girl's name, or 3) named him after a band that I didn't even think was around anymore, because I guess I suck at fact-checking.

Green Eggs & Ham

Noah: I love this book, I adore this book, I refuse to notice any sort of applicable life lesson from this book.

Amy: Holy crap, does this book ever end? Was this book always this long? My God, it's like if J.K. Rowling wrote The Half-Blood Prince using just 50 words for 800 pages. More, more, Dumbledore said with a roar, just before slamming Snape's hand in the door.

Amy: *totally has a brilliant, not-at-all-copyright-violating idea*

Goodnight, Moon

Noah: Pure board book magic.

Ezra: The greatest book I have read in my entire life, and I'm pretty sure I've read AT LEAST four.

Amy: Why is no one concerned about the fucking mouse? Why don't the kittens kill the mouse? And just who is that quiet old lady? Shouldn't somebody put that leftover mush in some Tupperware? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Comments

LOVE THIS. I saw Make Way for Ducklings in a store and wouldn't even buy it because it was too damn long to read before bed! And you know which Dr. Suess book is really long? Horton Hears a Who! I love it, but it takes FOREVER!

The one I have to read over and over and over is Fox in Socks. Fox. Socks. Box. Knox. Blahhhx!

The Cat in the Hat:
Claire (age 3) - The cat is bad mommy. I don't want the cat to come to our house.
Hannah (11 months) - I need to honk your nose and dig in with my claws.
Mom - I loved this book when I was little . . . and you know, I am allergic to cats.

If Noah likes the word plop then you should get The Owl Who's Afraid of The Dark. His name is Plop and it always used to really amuse me. It might be a bit too old for him though, I can't remember how old I was when I read it but I read it myself so I must have been at least 4.

Amen to Sandra Boynton. Henry can be calmed or alternately set AFLAME by _Hippos Go Berzerk!_. We read it before every nap time, because I like it so much, too. But I picked up _Oh My Oh My Oh Dinosaurs!_ (also Boynton) yesterday to try to mix things up a bit.

We read _Goodnight Moon_ at bedtime. I also want to know why the "old lady" is referred to as such (seems a bit rude) and why she isn't related to the little bunny in some way. If she's a night nanny, then I might not want my little boy exposed to this snooty upperclass b.s. But it is a pretty great book.

The only other board book with any narrative (so not counting _What Does Baby See?_ and the like) is Wise Brown's other one: _Runaway Bunny_, which we received as a shower gift. It is the CREEPIEST. FRIGHTENING. ABSURD. I intend to give it away.

I LOVE this post. LOVE! You are a comedic genius and I concur with all of your reviews...your Noah entries are hysterical! AND I now realize why you chose the name Ezra although I am sure I read that somewhere in a previous post. DUH!
Thanks for breathing some life into my dull day!

I have "Whats Wrong Little Pookie" because that's my daughters nickname...Though I got it because she looked like Garfields little bear.

As for I'll Love You Forever...Even at like, 6, I thought it was creepy. Who the hell sneaks into a teenagers bedroom at night to rock them and hold them?! But yeah at the end...OMFG WE NEED MORE KLEENEX, THIS IS SO SWEET BAWL BAWL BAWL.

You should probably be thankful that Noah isn't getting any life lessons from "Green Eggs and Ham," because the lesson my son got from it was not, "Try new things and you may discover you like them," but instead, "If you pester somebody enough they'll eventually give in and do what you want just to shut you up." Somebody should have taken a tire iron to Sam-I-Am.

Love, love, love this! My daughter was pretty much in line with Ezra's reviews on all of them. I totally agree with you on the Monster at the End of This Book "DON'T TURN THE PAGE!!!!" And, oddly, Brown Bear was a favorite of kids that I worked with who fell under the PDD spectrum - maybe it's the predictability? While I agree with you on Boyntin's Pookie, my personal fave in her collection is Pajama Time. I enjoy giving a very dramatic interpretive rap performance while reading it - complete with some interpretive dance thrown in (I have a trademarked routine for "Jamma to the Left! Jamma to the Right! Jamma, Jamma, Jamma, Jamma, P! J!").

"One Fish Two Fish" -- the best Seuss. I always hated "Cat in the Asshat" -- he's an egotistical jerk and I would NOT like to have a beer with him, which is a requirement for protagonists of books I read aloud to my preshus offspring.

"Polka Bats and Octopus Slacks" -- works on so many levels, including mine

"Kat Kong, "Dogzilla" and anything else by Pilkey (including the Captain Underpants series for the more sophisticated reader)

"The Velveteen Rabbit" -- Never had it as a kid myself; I read it for the first time when I was in my 30s. SOB SOB SOB SOB OMFG SOB!! More powerful antidepressants were immediately obtained.

I love Ezra's name and have always enjoyed Better Than Ezra the band. In no way does one make me think of the other.

How does Noah feel about Olivia? (I know Olivia is a "she" but I still find the books very gender neutral.) I think perhaps he'd side with her on the under-enthusiasm of the art at MOMA.

As a kid I loved, could not put down, must be read again many lovely tales including Pat The Bunny and A Day At Wilbur Robinson's.

Now I'm buying my nephew books and I recently bought him "Chicken Cheeks" which is a book entirely about an animal totem pole (they were climbing to reach the honey or something) and it shows...ahem..their butts. But cute animal butts with illustrations and phrases like "duckbill platypus gluteuous maximus" and I'm sorry, whats not to love?!

This was a brilliant post. Thank you for admitting that "I Love You Forever" is a bit stalkerish. If only her son had a blog, she wouldn't have to drive across town and crawl through his window to see what he was up to.

OMG, Goodnight Moon? My not quite 2-year old FREAKED out one day when he noticed that the red balloon goes MISSING. He's so sad about it too. So that is my question. What happened to the f-ing balloon???
We have read Moo Baa LaLaLa about a thousand times, and I would gladly read it a thousand more...

Thank God so many agree with me about "I'll Love you Forever" (not that I need validation). Love Fraulein N's "Law and Order" statement--made me laugh out loud at work and then quickly look around to see if my boss was nearby.
Does Noah like garbage trucks? The "I Stink" book is a big fave in our house right now. Also the Dinosaur books by Jane Yolen are nice; the stories are kind of simple, but you can see all the different kinds of dinos.

Sandra Boynton=genius in my mind. I think our favorites are "Barn Yard Dance" and "The Belly Button Book". My kiddos both refer to their bellybuttons as "bee-bos" thanks to her brilliance.

OMG - I had the SAME reaction when I read B the Dr. Suess books! I was like "Really? It's like 408 pages long? I always thought it was maybe 10..." And one of my faves from childhood was "A Fly Went By." After reading it two times to B, I was like "Uh... yeah. Wayyyyy too much paranoia for one little book."

For us Goodnight Moon and Guess How Much I Love You are great. The one I just can't quite get myself to read is The Velveteen Rabbit. I can't get through it without crying, and I can't explain it to B whilst blubbering! It's like Dumbo. That movie is NOT allowed in my house because I totally lose it at the part where Dumbo's Mom rocks him with her trunk when she's all locked up... OH GOD, I'm even tearing up now!!!! *SOB!*

I nodded like 5 bajillion times reading these. Like, the 'Love You Forever' book? I thought maybe I was the only one who felt that was a BIT creepy that the mom spied on her adult son. Glad to know it's not just me.

And also, maybe, I might, sometimes, skip 5 pages at a time in Green Eggs and Ham. And also maybe I might skip a few lines here and there.

Dude, NO ONE has said anything about how hysterical the Dumbledore comment was! I totally had tears in my eyes over how funny that was. And I am way too excited for an adult over HPATHBP that I am going to go see tonight! Squee!

"Goodnight, Moon" has been read every night in this house for 3.5 years now. EVERY. NIGHT. Jack now reads it to us and Emmie every night. It's a favorite.

As for "I'll Love You Forever," well let's just say the first time we read that was when Jack was in the hospital when he was five days old because he had a low temperature and he was hooked up to oxygen and laying under a heat lamp and we read it to him and both my husband and I were bawling. Good times!

I literally LOL'd, then got in trouble for reading a blog at work, then closed the window and reopened it to say that I think this should be a recurring feature because this was the funniest fucking thing I've read all day. Or week. It doesn't hurt that my kids are 4 years and 7 months so this could be my house, except I have more estrogen and things like Purplelicious and The Starlight Ballerina. Wretch.

Sandra Boynton's Belly Button Book is very popular around here. My daughter will probably be a teenager before she finds out that belly buttons aren't called "bee-bo" by most people. Love You Forever is creepy, and the Giving Tree is kind of effed up, too.

People think you made Ezra's name up? Or that it's a GIRL's name? Oh my holy heck, forget Ezra Jack Keats, have they never read, oh, I don't know, how about the OLD TESTAMENT (aka the Hebrew Bible), people? Gah.

Also, I own most of those books, and I don't read them to my kid nearly enough. Thanks, I feel like crap now.

So I totally hide books that I'm sick of reading. Right now I've hidden "Jake's Big Adventure," b/c it's a little too self-help, and I keep trying to hide Eric Carle's "Will You Be My Friend." I HATE that book, so naturally my kidlet loves it. He keeps closing the "Going to Bed Book" as well as "Goodnight Moon," I think he's on to me.

May I suggest, for variety's sake:
Chicka-chicka-boom-boom (the alphabet is in peril! Will there be enough room? ) and Good Dog, Carl--which has absolutely no words exceot "Good Dog, Carl" and was an awesome bedtime book for that reason.

So glad you wrote this. Reminds me of some books I should go out and get. Also, didn't know if you knew of this blog: http://thediamondinthewindow.typepad.com/ She reviews the books her kids are writing (not as amusing are you do it though) but you can write to her and she'll recommend books (with her daughters' input) that your child might like to also read. Can you tell I'm a book person?

Great post. We agree with most of what you said, aside from the duck part. My 3 year old associates ducks (and all fowl, really) with bad dreams (wtf?). We think it has something to do with a commercial for a sleeping pill involving a rooster in a woman's bedroom. Terrifying!! if you are three.

Just wanted to second (until I read your comments and saw I am one of many fans) your comments about Boynton. My little ones love "Snuggle Puppy". If you asked I could tell you every part, sing the singing parts, on command.

Oh, and if you haven't read it... I LOVE "I love you the purplest". Its about two sons who are competing for Mommy's love.

I Love You Forever is totally creepy. And *SOB*. I was excited when I got it because of Joey's reading on Friends, and then I read the whole thing and was like, WTF? although, I may totally turn into a moom who is sneaking through her grown children's windows at night to snuggle them. Cause I'm creepy too. At our house, all book reviews sound like this:
I love this book!! I'm going to refuse to let you read it to me, beg to take it to bed with me, and then while you are sleeping rip critical pages out and tear them into tiny pieces. You may think I cannot do this with board books, but I can. Only then will I allow you to read it to me, and possibly cry when you tell me that it can't be fixed. Also, mom, the parts you make up to replace the missing pages? Lame.

You should buy the book, "Philadelphia Chickens" it is Sandra Boynton's books, poems, etc. put to music, and sung by a bunch of different singers. My personal favorite is about the guy who has a bunch of animals all named Bob, "I've got my bunny Bob, his Bunny wife, Bob, and their kids Bob, Bob and Bob..." HI-LARIOUS! Whenever we read it, Zachary cracks up! Good car music.

I'm a children's librarian and have a small child so most of my life revolves around children's books. And this made me laugh! There was a whole discussion this week on one of my listservs about the relative creepiness of "Love you forever" "The Runaway Bunny" and "the giving tree".

I am a new momma (18 day old boy!) and received a few of these books as gifts at my shower and i have to say...

"goodnight moon"= just the best little book ever. loved it since i was a tot and can't wait to read it to my little one every night too. (we read it while he was cooking quite a few times)and i agree with the above poster that "goodnight nobody/goodnight mush" is simply epic.

BUT

"guess how much i love you" = long term therapy/inferiority complex.

AND not only is "I'll love you forever" one of the creepiest books ever BUT there is also a kid playing in the toilet on the cover which is just made of fail!

Not only are you hysterical, several of your commenting audience are too! GNMoon sux, and Guess How Much I love you inspired my kid to try to do all of the things the bunnies do.. yeah, um, there were almost stitches involved....

Um, this was so freaking funny I posted it on my facebook page. I hope that doesn't make me your facebook stalker or anything, but I hope more people read your site because of it, because you are HI-larious!

I don't comment often as I hate being 1 comment out of 80 some or more, but I had to comment on this post. I LOVE this one. Amy, you crack me up every time I read you. (Unless you're being sad and reflective and then I feel all sad and reflective, too...)

"love You Forever" is THE most horrifying book in the history of language. No joke.

I read it in one "standing" at our local bookstore, while my husband was entertaining my 3 year old son with those Sandra Boynton books. When they found me twenty minutes later, I was a quivering mass of sobs, barely held together by Therapy-Sessions-Yet-To-Be.

All kidding aside, it is the most powerful, mindblowing and CLEAR explanation of the love a parent and child share. Which means it is completely inappropriate for children.

"The Monster at the End Of This Book" is a huge hit around here - always. (And there's "Another Monster at the end of this book", with Elmo pestering Grover that the kids also love.) It's awesome when a book you loved as a kid manages to hold its appeal. (Other books in this category, for us, include Where the Wild Things Are and the Little Mr/Miss books.)

My kids (3 & 17 months) would totally second the Jane Yolen recommendation (How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?). I, on the other hand, have read it so many times I wake up at 2am reciting the damn thing. It's insane how much little kids love repetition.

Thank you Amalah for a much needed laugh tonight. (well, you almost always make me either laugh or cry, but this one was up there with the best of the funny ones!) I wish everyone read your blog... well at least the people I work with, so I could talk about this with them like they like to talk about their TV shows all the time!

I knew the author of the Brown Bear and Polar Bear books (not Eric Carle, the guy he collaborated with, Bill Martin, Jr.) and spent one of the greatest weeks of my life with my family at his apartment in New York.

He, at a time in our lives when we were very short on money, paid for us to fly to New York, bought is dinners, cooked us breakfast and sent us to 2 broadway shows simply because he thought we should experience New York. He died a few years ago, but I will never be able to hear those book titles without feeling a sense of gratitude to Bill.

Not that it has anything to do with what you wrote, but it's been so long since I've thought about him, I just wanted to share.

I love to read guess how much I love you to my twin boys, 3 1/2. Thankfully, they like it too. I am right there with you on the sobbing part.

If you want a great duck book to change up but still have DUCKS! Try Little Quack, not very long and such a cute story. 5 little ducks learning to go from nest to water, but they're scared, mama duck encourages calmly, one by one they all make the plunge. Noah might be getting a little old for it, but Ezra would love it I bet.

I love you. Seriously -- love. I have gone through this same *crap* (ha, that means "excellent book adventure in kid-speak) and hallalujah, I am mostly out the other side. Now my kids are old enough to read Nancy Drew and Harry Potter, etc., and I just occasionally read Love you Forever to them just because I need a good cry. :)

I love post. What an awesome idea. Re: The Giving Tree... MY GOD. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I picked it up at the bookstore (seven years ago, a few weeks away from giving birth to my oldest child) ---SOB---WHEEZE---SOB!!!

(But this is also coming from the same woman who broke down in tears telling her husband about how in the very last Peanuts comic strip Charlie Brown actually kicked the football... in the middle of Target. Yes, I'm a schmuck.)