Bouncers who beat up M5 convoy members used inappropriate restraint techniques

It has emerged that a squadron of night club bouncers from the Ratass nightclub in central Birmingham who beat up at least ten middle aged people near junction 7 of the M5 motorway yesterday were using inappropriate restraint techniques. The action has attracted widespread condemnation and the men have been recommended for restraining retraining by the Health and Safety Executive.

The injured were understood to be regulars from the Rose and Crown in Bideford on a relief mission to rescue clubbers trapped by an unremitting diet of lager, cheap shots and monotonous music. Their minibus was part of an ad-hoc convoy of vehicles carrying real ale, scrumpy, pork scratchings and a Wurlitzer jukebox.

A spokesman for the bouncers defended their actions, saying, ‘Their bus was looking distinctly suspicious, so we forced it off the road, smashed the windows and asked politely if they wouldn’t mind saying what they were up to. I’m afraid that when the terrorists started using provocative phrases such as “none of your business sunshine”, my men had to protect themselves with batons, heavy boots and knuckledusters.’

Faced with suggestions that they could have waited till the relief mission reached the club and then searched the people if they attempted to enter, or at least till they passed the M42 turnoff and were in the Birmingham postcode area, the bouncers were unrepentant and said the measures were commensurate. ‘One of the cars was carrying malt, hops and a barrel,’ said the spokesman. ‘A few gallons of water and you’re looking at homebrew. We were weeks from disaster.’

The nightclubbing regulatory body, Offace, has condemned the action but says it needs to receive further reports before implementing any measures.