Our fearless spiritual leader (Fr. Adam) emailed this article to us today asking what we thought - and we found the article so thought-provoking that we decided to post a link to it for all of you, for your ponderings.

Do you agree with the challenge posed in the article? Adamantly disagree? Perhaps the article sparks some idea of how women can answer this call to be more appreciative, to be gentle. Drop us a line (at thefemininegift@gmail.com) with your thoughts, comments, reflections or rebuttals as we will certainly be exploring this topic at greater depth.

7 comments:

My first assumption upon reading Buona's article is that he has a lot of anger and prejudice towards women. I think the writer of the article is just as impulsive and hostile as the woman that he is referring to. His statement, "Many women lack the appropriate tools..." makes me think that he has had a bad relationship, or two, and is painting all women with the same brush.

While she should not embarass herself and her man in public we have no way of knowing what happened before to make her so angry. We are only human and we all make mistakes. Instead of being judgemental people should try to be supportive. Everyone gets in fights, everyone loses their temper, that's life.

I remember, many years ago, while working at a coffee shop in a Mall, a mother was angry with her son because he was misbehaving. He was running around and he wouldn't sit still. He was having a great time tormenting his mom. People were rolling their eyes, glaring and looking at her in disgust. She was having a really hard time coping, was I was afraid she was going to "lose it" if someone didn't help her. She was very angry, looked desperate and close to tears. I was close enough that I could intervene. I commented that sometimes when kids are very bright they can be very rambunctious. She looked so relieved and grateful. She agreed with me and started to talk to me about her son. She noticeably calmed down and eventually walked away in a better mood. Days later she returned and thanked me. She needed understanding, someone to listen to her, someone who could give her another perspective -- a positive perspective. I carry that experience with me because it reminds me that we are all just trying to do the best we can. Extending a helping hand and an understanding ear is sometimes just the little thing that someone needs that day. And, the best part is that they might return the favour someday to someone else.

Relationships are complex and personal. We don't know what happens behind closed doors. Whether it's a spouse, friend or family member. Buono doesn't know if the man did something in the past (near or far) that the woman is having a hard time dealing with. Buono doesn't know if the woman has her own demons (addiction, depression or insecurity). Buono seems to be as guilty of not controlling his temper as the woman that he is judging. (IMHO)

Great article! I think he's dead-on. "Contemptuous behavior is never productive nor acceptable." Absolutely. Would a woman ever stand for a man upbraiding HER like that in public? Of course not.I think women do "lack the appropriate tools to...draw out the love and devotion (of) a man." Or, rather, they don't realize that they have them or know how to use them.Even those who know how to inspire the love and devotion of a man aren't always very good at it.

The only thing in the article I disagree with is his statement that women have allowed themselves to get this way (underappreciative). I think a lot of it is cultural conditioning. Almost everything around us tells us that women don't need men and can treat them however they want. Sadly, it's very difficult for some of us to overcome this conditioning - or to even recognize that it's taken place.

I very much like your thoughtful and kind hearted response kidzmom. Reading this article. Mr. Buono came on rather heavy handed I thought and seemed to be very critical of the woman. Too many judgments and assumptions on his part. About this woman and women in general. Yes, if the woman were a saint she would have behaved better than mrs Cleever and butter wouldn't melt in your mouth; the halo would never leave her head.. but this is not a perfect world and obviously the woman is still polishing her halo.. don't know about mr. Buono, he must be a paradigm of the perfection of men to give his critique away so freely.How does that saying go, walk a mile in my moccasin before you judge me... To extend courtesy and respect is not gender specific.. we are all called to do so, certainly as followers of the Lord but more than that, we are to Love.. love is patient love is kind is not jealous does not judge... you know how it goes and I know we all have great intentions but we keep falling... anyone here hold a rock in his or her hand.....

I think that this article touches on a raw nerve that resides in the hearts of both men and women. I think this nerve is the place where the hearts and minds of men and women were severed after The Fall. God created us to be in perfect harmony with one another. There was no divide, no competition, no striving. We both new our parts to play and did so lovingly and in perfect harmony. After The Fall, all this changed. Scripture tell us that a part of woman's wounding would be that she would always strive for her spouse's affirmation of her (or words to that effect) and the male counterpart was one of misunderstanding this. We've discussed here in this blog and have read elsewhere that this disharmony between Man and Woman has set up a painful chasm between us. Men have a tendency to feel threatened by all that is feminine and lacking in himself and woman is likewise with all that is masculine and lacking in herself. Man is physically stronger than a woman, more inclined to be independent on the world stage, able to divide himself from his emotions in order to "bring home the bacon", etc. All good traits in and of themselves. But this has led man to dismiss a woman's traits as "weak" and "unproductive". Men have a long and horribly undistinguished history of taking advantage of the weaker sex, of abusing and misusing and profoundly disrespecting her. Lording his authority over her to such an extent that in the eyes of the law, she was not a person with her own inalienable rights to determine her own destiny, to own property, to leave an abusive and dangerous marriage, to be able to earn an income to raise a family if she finds herself on her own. I don't think we should forget that it is still a reality in many places in the world that women are forced into what is tantamount to slave labour or even worse, prostitution in order to provide for herself and her children. While I whole heartedly agree with the spirit of the author's remarks, I think he is naive and missing the greater undercurrent that we are experiencing in our society today. While I am not a fan of extreme feminism, I applaud the women who have gone before me and risked everything in order to guarantee that I would not have to be denigrated in such a way. If women are working hard to divorce themselves from their femininity (which has not done much for them in history) and have courted a very anti-male way of existence, have lost their ability to be meek and gentle spirited and draw out the best in their men, perhaps men aught to look long and hard at their own hearts, at their own attitudes towards and beliefs about women. I am afraid to say, I don't know that many men who truly believe that their spouse is the jewel in their crown, that her femininity is a gift beyond price to himself and is worthy of being protected at all costs. I'm afraid that what the author has not addressed is that the harmonious relations between men and women is very much a two way street. You can't expect women to truly desire being fully feminine so as to call out the truly masculine in the men in her life if he is not aware of how delicate and vulnerable being feminine makes her. Should men continue to deride women for being emotional? For using intuition over logic? For taking so much time in the bathroom to ready themselves for a night out? For wanting to re decorate the living room? For gabbing inexhaustibly with her girlfriends? For wanting to discuss their relationship? I've heard more than one man of my acquaintance (and good Catholic men, even a priest here or there) entertain themselves with such discussions. Women don't corner the market on disrespectful banter.

Part One:I suppose I do have to say I agree with the author of the article, to a certain extent. I’ve witnessed this type of thing myself, but from both men and women. I suppose we can make all kinds of excuses for her behavior such as not feeling well or what not, but there is a time and place for a ‘dressing’ down, and it is certainly not in public no matter how one is feeling.

I am embarrassed when I see this happening…like visiting a couple in their homes and having to sit there listening to them arguing with each other while you sit twiddling your thumbs. Though I say there is a time and place, I don’t see a need for it at anytime, and if there is, it should be in private. The man was obviously very uncomfortable being berated by this woman in front of everyone, and he should be. Anyone would be.

I do have to say one thing concerning this type of behavior from women. I think that today, it almost seems as if it is expected, and that men should be ‘put’ in their place by women. Hollywood seems to have pushed that idea considerably if one only takes the time to watch the sitcoms that feature a family and look past the so-called comedic aspect of it.

The Cosby Show portrayed the father and husband, Cliff, as a child. He thought like one, acted like one and was reprimanded by his wife, Clair, as if he was a child. He wasn’t allowed to do anything on his own, for his wife didn’t think him capable of it. I loved the show, but I cringed at the way the man was presented. So too in All in the Family, Archie Bunker was a Neanderthal, redneck, racist and a husband who browbeat his wife Edith and treated her like a child and slave, though she was seen as loyal, unquestioning and so forgiving. In the first example, Cliff is the timid childish man, and in the second, Archie is the ‘ignorant’ that lords it over a woman. There is no in-between. That, I believe, has spilled over into society.

I have seen men talking in front of women as if they were standing in a locker room with others of their own ilk, with no regard as to what they said or did in front of her, while at other times, I’ve seen a woman in this situation, acting and speaking with them as if she was one of the guys.

The incivility is obnoxious no matter who the perpetrator is. The best solution would be the Christian solution, of treating each other with respect and dignity. I married my wife because I love her. She is not a b**ch or any other derogatory term one may apply to a woman. I have never ever called her anything other than an endearment or her proper name. I married a woman. Period. Yes, we’ve had heated exchanges, but not to the point of saying something spiteful or hurtful just to ‘get back’. It isn’t our role in life to hurt each other, nor anyone else.

I’ve said it before, that men have fragile ego’s, not the “Me! Me!” kind, but the ego of knowing who and what they are in this world, what makes us tick differently than women, and our relationship with women, and for a woman to berate a man in public will fracture that ego. A man does become numb to this after while and will not communicate, knowing what is coming. So he holds his tongue.

Men in turn, historically have been atrocious to women and their femininity. But to generalize and say all men were or are like this or that all women are also, would be a grave mistake. We, men and women, are the product of the fall of Adam. We have been weakened to the point where our roles have been distorted. We do not seem to want to take the time to think deeply about our differences that our individual genders bring to the world and so we belittle them.

Men belittle, as was said in a previous reply, the tears of a woman, her intuition, her taking that extra time preparing to go out, instead of realizing these are differences that should be observed gracefully by men, and that men need to realize that we have our own little ‘quirks’ if you will, that make women wonder if we have anything ‘upstairs’. We have lost the understanding that our behavior towards one another as different genders cannot be the same as it is with our own.

I do not understand all a woman does or thinks, for I am not a woman, but I can and do accept these things as part of her femininity that I should not try to change. So it is for women. No matter how much I could explain to my wife why I did this or that, it wouldn’t matter, she would have a hard time understanding. We need to accept each other as men and women, not contentiously, but complimentarily.

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What is a woman? What does it mean to be feminine? There is softness and hardness, compassion and ferocity. There is contentment and adventure, freedom and service. We're conundrums, especially to ourselves, but we all, in some way, possess beauty, creativity, intuition and love. We were made for love, and we are loved, cellulite and all. Here we aim to show every woman the richness and beauty of her own femininity and explore current issues relating to women in our world. We also wish to share our own experiences - exploring the joys and challenges of stay-at-home moms and single professionals and everyone in between. Welcome! So glad you're here!