The Green, Green Grass of Home

Dude, if ever there was a time that I needed to see the boys back in the friendly confines of Fenway Park, it’s right now. Get me back home, and bring in a sub-par team like Baltimore so we can kick them around a bit, try to fatten up our lead and generally feel better about ourselves after the crap parade of the last three days.

Honestly, yesterday’s game was the one I figured we’d lose. I had Daisuke pegged to have a monster game and put money on Beckett popping extra doses of Vitamin F@#k You and tearing through the Yankee line-up like he was on his first date with Leeann Tweeden. The Schilling game was the bone I had to throw them; no way we were gonna keep that line-up down for the whole series.

But this entire series turned out to be a stark reminder of how easily our offense can close up like a folding chair in the face of good pitching. And now, without Manny and a legitimate number 5 hitter, we’ve been downgraded from The Thing to the Invisible Girl. Sure, yeah, she’s cute and does that force-field thing real good. But there’s simply not a whole lot of threat there.

As for J.D. Drew, it may be time to freeze him in carbonite and just put him aside until the playoffs, and see if Kielty and/or Ellsbury can spark up something in the line-up. As said before, I have nothing but sympathy for the guy’s at-home situation, and can only imagine that he’d rather be working as a personal groomer for the Oak Ridge Boys than standing at the plate with runners on base. But enough’s enough; Bernard Gilkey, Emmy Joe from the New Zoo Revue, or a crate of oranges would be a reasonable upgrade at this point.

The most interesting subplot to come out of all of this was the Joba Chamberlain Experience. I love how the kid’s reputed to be the next Mariano, all poise and guts and glory and piss and lightning. But, of course, once he’s accused of throwing at Youk’s head, he’s suddenly “young” and “inexperienced” and “caught up in all the excitement.” And damned if Joe Torre himself wasn’t dismayed by his ejection:

“It was absolutely ridiculous. There was certainly no message. That’s the last thing you want to do to a club that is down, 5-0, and you have just won two games from. Umpires don’t apply common sense.”

Joe, it’s okay to admit that your young gun’s a shitzer who thought it’d be cool to try to kick us when we’re down. In fact, we can’t wait for his visit to our house in a couple weeks, where we can give him a right proper greeting.

Anyway, speaking of The New Zoo Revue, check this vintage clip from the show, in which the miracle of reproduction is explained in song for children. If you ever wanted to hear the Maytag repairman discuss how a sperm fertilizes an egg, man, this is your lucky day!