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SPORTS

So there are these two dudesHun Hunapú and Vucub Hunapúthey are twinsor at least brothersi mean they have the same last namewhateveranyway they piss off the gods of the underworldwith their constant ball-playingyes that is rightthey play sports SO HARDthat it upsets SATANI did not know this was possibleuntil i read the popol vuhwhere this shit is written downanyway the gods summon them down to the underworldwhich is called Xibalbábecause no mayan story is completewithout like six thousand proper nounsbeginning with the letter Xthe gods of the underworld are allhey guys we heard you like ball playingGET ITWE HEARDBECAUSE YOU ARE SO FUCKING LOUDand the twins are like what of itand the gods are like if you like ball games so muchhow about you play ball with usFOR YOUR LIIIIIVESand the twins are like okbecause they are pretty hot shit at ball playingso the game startsnow if this was a greek myththe twins would use some kind of trickeryor insane skilland beat the godsbut this is a mayan myththe gods win and they kill these dudes and bury them under the ball courtexcept for Hun’s headthey put that on a calabash tree for some reasonturns out that is a bad ideabecause some chick named Xquic walks byand hun spits in her handand he is such a true man that this causes her to get pregnantand she gives birth to TWINSguysyou think you are such hot shitbecause your penis is one and a half inch longerthan the national averagetry impregnating a random chick with your salivain her handfrom a treeon which someone has deposited YOUR SEVERED HEADwho knows where his dick even wasis the point i am makingactually wait i went and read it againit wasn’t even his headit was just his skullskulls don’t even fucking make salivaso likei guess when he still had skin and stuffhe just collected a big glob of spit in thereand he HELD ITWAITINGfor some chick to walk byi want that shit on a posterthat says hang in thereimpotence is not a problemfor mayan mythological figuresso yeah Xquic gives birth to twinsthey are called Hunahpúand Xbalanquéand these two guysof courseare alive for like five fucking minutesbefore they discover their dad’s ball-playing gearand start playing some goddamn balland they play SO GODDAMN HARDthat they piss off the underworld AGAINand THEY get summoned down thereand the gods are like hey you may have noticed that severed headhanging from that tree by your housethat was the last dude who fucking kept us awakewith his ball-playingand hunahpú and xbalanqué look at them and are likethat skull is our FATHERand the gods are like exactlywe killed your fatherwe are totally going to kill you toowhy the fuck do you guys even like playing ball this muchok look do you want to play ball for your livesand the twins say yeah surebecause they are even HOTTER SHITthan their dads were.actuallyi don’t think both of the other guys were their fatherbecause that would be weirdanyway they play balland seeif this was a roman mythor maybe likea norse myththese guys would totally have wonand avenged their fathersbut like i saidfucking mayansthe gods win againand they kill the twins and bury them under the ball courtbut there is a TWISTbecause it turns out the twins are FUCKING IMMORTALso they dig themselves up and sneak awayand they come up with a crafty planwhich is to come directly back to the underworlddressed as traveling performersand the gods are like SWEEEEEETbecause it is boring in Xibalbáso Hunahpú and Xbalanqué put on a fantastic showfucking amazing shit going onmaybe they do an amazing magic trickwhere they make their names easier to fucking typeand then they get to the finaleand for the finaleone of them cuts off the other’s headand the puts it back onand he is fineand all the gods are like SHIT SHIT AWESOMEDO ME DO MEand the twins are like sure okand just go and chop off the gods’ headswithout any fucking resistance whatsoeverbecause that is how slick they areand then they go dig up their dadsand resurrect themand they all live happily ever afterand none of them ever forget how lucky they areto be able to use their DICKS to get women pregnant

7 thoughts on “SPORTS”

I’m mexican, from QuintanaRoo and I completely love you.
My history classes should have been told like this, jeez!!
And yes, aztecs and mayans had this weird way of naming stuff. :I Like Dzibilchaltún and Tlalmimilolpan and Huitzilopochtli and

These guys have a weird tradition to start names with the words one and seven. Hun Hunahpu, Vucub Hunahpu, Vucub Caquix, Hun Came, Vucub Came… These are the ones I know. Why do Maya like one and seven so much?

Pretty much everybody in the Popol Vuh (which is where this story comes from) is named after a section of the Mayan calendar. The Popol Vuh is sort of like a storified guide to understanding the calendar. So everybody has calendar-names, which is where the numbers come from.