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Tuesday, 21 May 2019

crying in the shower.

I don’t know how long I’ve lived with a chronic illness, but some days it feels like forever. Dragging at my heels, holding me back. I am one of the lucky ones - most days I barely even notice it, thanks to medication. I’m not used to feeling bad anymore, so the bad days hit hard.

I’ve felt tripped up by it lately. I was smugly going along, doing all of my 4 jobs to a reasonable degree, having a busy social life, and even getting to the gym when I could fit it in. And then the crash came.

I forgot my medication one very hungover morning, and the combination of the two set me off into a spiral. I have found myself feeling anxious the day after I drink anyway, and am always exhausted by it, so the combination of that plus a lack of what my body needs to function led me into a few days of feeling utterly terrible.

Tired, anxious, low. I could barely make conversation with my best friends, let alone anyone else. I didn’t want to do anything, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I didn’t even want to look at a screen.

Three days later I woke up tired, again, after promising myself that it’d be a better day. I felt so frustrated with myself.

The parts the others don’t see of being self-employed and living with a chronic illness are things like: sobbing in the shower once your housemates have left for the day, and then just getting on with it because you can’t afford not to.

Things like: the internal monologue of being defective and not good enough, so you have to work twice as hard to “make up for” whatever you’re lacking. Just dazzle them, and they won’t notice that part of you is broken and rotting.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to be on good form around other people – which is probably quite detrimental to me and maybe to them as well - so when I feel this bad I just shut myself away as much as I can.

I've felt a little up and down since then - two weeks ago - but a week off full of lovely things and people seems to have recharged me, so hopefully it's all up from here, for now. We all know that recovery isn't linear, we all have good days and bad days.

Technically, this is a sob story (I cried again writing this) but I’m not here for sympathy, just empathy. Illness is not always visible. I hide this side of me from most of the world, but the reality is that we all have something we struggle with to some degree.

If you're feeling the same, know that you're not alone, I'm with you, and some days will be easier. And I will always, always listen to you if you need someone.

3 comments

I can't explain how much I can relate to 'I woke up tired, again, after promising myself that it'd be a better day.' I do this all the time, 'tomorrow will be better' and sometimes it just isn't. I wake up exhausted, feeling fatigued and my joints aching and I wish that I just felt 'normal'. Its beyond exhausting and I empathise so much. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are strong and you are facing a battle. You've got this!

A few weeks ago a virus attacked my liver. As a result it didn't work properly and I became super tired during the day for weeks. It's incredible how little support you get if you suffer from something that others simply cannot understand. I wish you all the best!