The 30 Year Itch

More Longtime Marriages Are Dissolving.

Why Are So Many Empty-nesters Flying The Coop?

While the old geezer with the nubile gold-digger girlfriend reinforces the worst gender stereotypes, they are rooted in age-old mating strategies, explains Waite, co-author of the recent book "The Case for Marriage." In strictly biological terms, women tend to seek out men with the resources to support their young and men are drawn to youth and beauty to increase their chances of propagating their genes through viable offspring.

"The behavior is stereotypical . . . not because either gender is inherently evil but because of the way we're hard-wired."

But to Jay Frank, a Chicago lawyer, infidelity as a cause of divorce in older couples has been highly exaggerated. A more common scenario is that the husband increasingly buries himself in his work and the wife finds other ways to fill her time. Ultimately, long-simmering grievances boil over and both realize they are on divergent paths. "But you don't hear that story nearly as often because an old man with a young girlfriend and a prenuptial agreement is a lot more fun."

Indeed, Chaiken believes that one of the stresses on middle-age marriage is that popular culture overvalues sexual gratification and discounts the benefits of long-term relationships in which passion and desire have cooled but deep friendship remains. "Once the hot sex is gone, there's a feeling today that what endures isn't worth having," she says.

Divorce in the autumn of life would appear, at first glance, to have one advantage over the dissolution of younger families: The children usually are grown and on their own, so presumably they are spared much of the emotional fallout of divorce--the custody and visitation disputes, for example. But according to Constance Ahrons, a fellow at the Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Study at Harvard University, adult children are affected more than previously thought.

As one of the few researchers who have studied this group, Ahrons interviewed 40 University of Southern California students whose parents split after a minimum of 20 years and discovered that while the pain may be different, it is no less acute. Concerns about finances, especially whether they could afford to stay in school, and a sense of responsibility for "taking care of" the weaker parent, usually the mother, were common, says Ahrons, author of "The Good Divorce."

Since a breakup at the "empty nest" stage often triggers a move from the family home, many students also expressed a sense of dislocation. For one Glencoe woman, the loss was both literal and figurative. Not only did her parents sell the only home she had ever known, but the buyers bulldozed it to make way for a new one. "When I came home at spring break, it was as if my whole past had been erased."

And, the older children say, the end of the marriage doesn't mean the end of conflict. Each holiday, graduation, baptism and bar mitzvah provides a fresh opportunity to rip the scab off old wounds. One 30-year-old son recalled how on Christmas Eve he would shuttle dutifully between parental pews halfway through mass. "I didn't want to hurt either of them, but, it just totally ruined it for me." Eventually, he joined another church.

But, after years of strife, many children of divorce sum up their reactions in a single word: relief. Anya Hansen, a senior at Purdue University when her father left in 1987, called it an optimum time because she was so focused on her own life. However, she quickly adds, the tension between her parents had been so palpable for so long that the actual moving out was almost anti-climactic.

"When I was younger, I would beg them to get a divorce," says Hansen, 36, who now lives in Naperville with her husband of 13 years and two children. "I was afraid to bring friends home because I could never predict the mood of the household. There's a downside to letting things drag on too long."

Even children who wholeheartedly endorsed the split say that managing major family events can require a never-ending series of Solomonic judgments. When her father wanted to escort his then-girlfriend (now wife) to her wedding, Hansen refused, not because she didn't like her, but because she felt it would have been disrespectful to her mother. He came alone. Some children simply opt out of a formal ceremony, finding it easier to elope. And the arrival of grandchildren can unleash a whole new round of delicate negotiations.

And it's clear that regardless of how many years of matrimony are under the belt, no one can afford to be smug. "No matter the age, no matter how good things may appear to be, there are no guarantees," warns Ahrons. "The marital contract is constantly changing and you've got to grow and adapt right along with it. You're never really home free."

UNION BUSTING

Some long marriages that recently hit the rocks:

Phil and June Jackson (25 years): The former Bulls coach didn't just change addresses when he took the reins of the Los Angeles Lakers in 1999. He also split from the mother of his five children and started wooing Jeanie Buss, daughter of Lakers owner Jerry Buss and the team's executive vice president of business operations. Jackson reportedly has introduced her to some of his favorite books and meditation techniques. Buss has reportedly introduced him to an earth-tone wardrobe.

Bryant and June Gumbel (27 years): In a White Plains, N.Y., courtroom in January, the broadcaster was accused by his wife of being a "serial adulterer."

Aurelia Pucinski and James Keithley (25 years): In 1999, the then-Cook County Circuit Court clerk split from her attorney husband, James Keithley, who now lives in New Mexico.