Bachelor: Chris

Listen folks, I wanted to do episode reviews. Frankly, it’s like 98% of the reason for the traffic on this webpage that isn’t from spam. But I can’t. I just don’t care.

I don’t care about him. I didn’t really care that much about him before and I still don’t. Sure, he’s a great guy, a nice guy, a rich guy, a moderately attractive guy. But he’s also so boring. Like a potato. You can throw all kinds of things on a potato but eventually you are just done with the starch.

I don’t care about the girls. Each girl has a cliché drama things that is just falling flat. Like, drama in a can. Each can is a new surprise except sometimes you just end up with two virgins and one who doesn’t shower.

So it is with relief that I let you know that I will not be reviewing the rest of the season. I’ll be back when there is a reverse harem for me to fantasize about.

Guess what? Chris doesn’t get to make the date choices again this week. His sisters do. Yuck. Group Date 1: Let’s do what feels natural…We get to see all the girls do natural makeup and steam their dresses as they prepare to show him what natural, down-to-earth chicks they really are. They get to go swimming in bikinis as each woman decides whether they will take off a top or a bottom and their dignity. Kelsey absolutely hates the date. She doesn’t like the outdoors or bugs or camping. On another note, I think I see myself in Kelsey. Ashley S. is less crazy than before which makes her only mildly insane. Kaitlyn gets the rose though. Ashley I., thinking she is one big mystery of outwards sexuality and inner nerd virgin, goes off and has an awkward conversation with him where she almost but didn’t tell him her big secret. Continue reading →

Because we are worried about Chris providing any real scandal or buzz outside of his charm we open with Jimmy Kimmel waking him up and offering him help, telling some jokes, and making a curse word jar for the word “amazing”.

We begin with drama. Eliminated Kimberly walks back in and steals the man away. She doesn’t know why it didn’t work out the way she had planned. She FELT that they were supposed to be together. She just wanted a chance to talk to him. And he gives her a second chance. He shows himself to be a really nice guy and a lot of the girls show that they are already about to break their TV cool and calm.

Host Chris is doing his best to make sure the girls all sneak down to Bachelor Chris for a night visit. And luckily for us Bachelor Chris has a shower outside.

Group Date 1: Show me your country

-On this date is Tara the country girl (from Florida for some reason) and another girl who claims to “be more Kardashian than country.” Kimberly is also on this date and Chris is super nice to her. They then have a tractor race and the entire time I’m like, “Is that a Kubota? Because if that is a Kubota those things can go way faster than that.” The winner, Ashley I., gets to sit on his lap in her bikini and chat. He then decides to spend the rest of the time with Mackenzie and the other girls who didn’t get alone time with him try their darndest to rationalize it. She…is terrible at first date banter. She says she likes big noses and that his is great. She brings up aliens. She hasn’t been on a date in “soooooo long” by which she means one year (cue me scoffing and judging her). She named her child Kale. Her voice is super annoying and she scrunches up her face in an odd way. He is also 12 years older than her. In spite of all the red flags he noticed he gives her the rose and a kiss.

It’s baaaaaack! And so is my color commentary. Buckle in and get ready for a boot tootin craaaazy ride. It’s time for “Prince Farming” (their nickname not mine, mine was potato) to find true love…bawhahahahaha. At least we are promised scandal and girls selling their souls to create drama and intrigue. After all, who doesn’t want the farming boy worth way more than all the farmers I’ve ever met pooled together?

Blah blah blah old cast members blah true love blah meet the girls blah blah hints of crazy. Some of the intros were so awful and sappy and cringey.