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9.30.2010

So the deal is I share 7 things about myself and then pass the award on to 7 other awesome bloggers. Nominating 7 bloggers isn't hard, but coming up with 7 things about myself that I haven't told you yet might be a little tricky for TMI girl here... Here goes!

1. I haven't always been a cat person. Growing up, my family always had dogs and my dad absolutely hated cats. After I moved out on my own I wanted a pet but couldn't have a dog in my apartment, so I got Atticus. Now I prefer cats, they're so much more quiet and out of the way!

2. In high school, my best friend and I wore the same size shoes, and we each owned a couple of the same pairs. So we said we were "sole mates." Nerd alert! ;)

3. I was a late bloomer. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 17, and then I was afraid to make out until I was 18, at which time I had a cute boyfriend so I got over it.

4. I'm currently in a bowling league with Hubs and my older brother, C. Our team name is Aardvark. Not "The Aardvarks" or even "Aardvarks," just plain Aardvark. That was my brother's and my doing.

5. My younger brother, A, and I used to hang out listening to comedy music - you know, like Weird Al, Adam Sandler, S.ifl & O.lly etc. Hubs still looks at me sideways when I bust out with random songs, although he's learned some from me that he sings too.

6. I've always wanted to go skydiving.

7. As a kid I used to collect rocks and polish them to a flawless shine in my rock tumbler. I had some nice ones, but have since lost them all. (Nerd alert times two!)

9.29.2010

I have a friend who works for an organization that's trying to end abortion. They go out and counsel pregnant girls/women who are thinking about aborting, talk to them about other options, etc. From what she's told me it sounds pretty mellow - hand-holding, kumbayah kind of stuff. I mean as opposed to groups that plant pipe bombs at the Planned Parenthood or something.

Anyway, I'm supportive of my friend and proud of her dedication. I'm not 100% anti-abortion, but I do wish more girls/women who find themselves in an unwanted pregnancy would choose the very difficult option of adoption over abortion. That's not really what this post is about though, so put away your soap boxes. ;)

Yesterday my friend sent me a text asking me to pray for a girl who is 13 weeks along and scheduled for an abortion today.

I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. My first reaction was shock that she would send that to someone who just had a miscarriage. Yes, I've expressed some support for what she does, and I'm sure that's why she included me in what was most likely a mass text. But it hit a little too close to home and I doubt I would have done that had I been in her shoes.

Then I felt bad for being so selfish, and thought maybe I should pray for this girl. Regardless of where you stand on the abortion debate it's a big deal and she could probably use some prayers. So I sent one up.

I still don't really know how to feel about this. I'm not angry, not spurred into action for the cause, not really even sad. Emotional, yes, but which emotion?? Mostly I just don't want to continue to be on the receiving end of messages like that, especially two months post-miscarriage when I'm bleeding like a sieve and doubled over with cramps after one of the worst days I've had at work in a while. I didn't respond, and I'm hoping my friend takes that as a hint not to keep sending them to me. If not, I guess I'll have to tell her the old-fashioned way (i.e. I'll text her).

Thoughts? I'm also interested to know how you'd feel, in light of dealing with infertility and loss, in this situation.

9.28.2010

Well you know how they say your first period after a miscarriage might be heavier than usual? I thought I sorta bypassed that by having my first period after I'd already been bleeding for 4 weeks. And I figured this is technically my 2nd period since the m/c so it shouldn't be too bad...

Boy oh boy was I wrong! I'm going through pads like they're going out of style. Unfortunately, I'm also going through PANTS like they are going out of style. Seriously. I've never destroyed a pair of pants like I did today. I had to leave work and go to T.J M.axx to replace them because I'm too far from home to go change. And do you think I could be wearing something that goes with black? Of course not! I had to get brown pants. And don't think they're some nice, dark chocolate brown pants. Nope! They're light walnut-colored pants because T.J M.axx only had about 3 different pairs of brown women's pants. So I will be running to the bathroom every 30-45 minutes to make sure I haven't destroyed this pair too.

I almost wish my cramps would get worse so I'd have an excuse to just go home!

9.27.2010

Ladies, I tried not to get my hopes up this cycle, really I did. But then AF was a couple of days later than I expected, and I was having funky cramps off and on, and there were a few days in a row last week when I was a little nauseated... So who was trying not to tear up listening to Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits on the way to work this morning? This girl right here.

If someone could invent a device or drug that turns off the part of my brain that wants to get pregnant I would totally buy it. It's just too painful anymore.

9.26.2010

Just found out about this art exhibit in town (click on the word "Barren" in the lower right). It's called "Barren: life on infertile soil." I think Hubs and I will be going to to see it on Friday. I'll be sure to let you know what I think. :)

9.24.2010

Oh goody! This one will be fun. Well, for me. I'll try to make it fun for you, too. :)

The city I live in is officially named San Bue.nave.ntura, which is a lot prettier than what it's more commonly known as - just Ven.tura. It's a beach town an hour north of Los Angeles, and half an hour south of Santa Barbara. Although it's an average-sized city of about 100,000, it feels like a small town because everybody pretty much knows everybody.

Both Hubs and I were born and raised here, and although I spent a couple of years living in other cities, my heart stayed in Ven.tura and I was excited to move back. I guess a lot of other people feel the same way because a good number of our friends were also raised in Ven.tura, went off to college thinking they were getting out, but afterwards came back to stay. It's a nice place!

So, some of the cool things about this town are:

1. Surfing! That's probably the main thing we're known for - Ven.tura has some of the best beaches for surfing in southern CA. I myself never learned to surf. I'm more of a lie-on-the-beach-soaking-up-the-sun-with-a-margarita kind of girl.

3. History! We're part of the California mission system, and our downtown area sports the San Bue.naven.tura Mission.

4. Art! We have a lot of hippies artists here, and every few months or so there's an art walk in the downtown/beach area to view and celebrate their work. (I promise I don't really dislike hippies as much as I seem to!)

5. Food! I can't even begin to count how many different types of cuisine you can find in Ven.tura. And the restaurants are innumerable. Which is good, because I LOVE FOOD.

And that's all I can think of. Come visit me sometime! (Unless you're a stalker.)

9.23.2010

Is meditation one of those things where people think you're a crystal-toting new-age hippie if you do it? Because I've been hesitant to talk about it, but I've been thinking about it a lot.

Let the record show that I don't believe in the healing power of crystals, and I don't even own a pair of Birkenstocks, nor have I ever. (I'd much rather sport a hot pair of stilettos any day!) And although I admit to lighting incense on occasion, it's for air-freshening purposes rather than... I don't know - whatever new-age hippies use it for.

Apologies to any new-age hippies who might be reading this!

Was I going somewhere with this? Oh yeah. Back to meditation.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it for a while. Specifically, that I'd like to learn how to do it, you know, to help me manage stress and give me a better outlook and that kind of thing. I've done it once, sort of by accident, and it was an incredibly peaceful, wonderful experience that I want to recapture. But it's hard trying to get my brain to be quiet!

Yesterday I tried. I sat myself down on the couch, closed my eyes and got to it. I did pretty well for the first 15-20 minutes, trying to just concentrate on one word and my breathing. For a while I thought I was getting there. I felt very relaxed. Atticus jumped up next to me and then started attacking the arm of the couch, but it didn't faze me. A few more minutes passed and my neck started hurting. I stretched it a little. It kept hurting. I tried to ignore it. Then I peeked to see if the cat was still in the room. He wasn't, but he was standing in the hallway staring at me. I shut my eyes again. I wondered if it would help to contemplate the burning candle across from me. I tried. It didn't help. Finally after 40 minutes my phone rang and I gave up!

9.21.2010

I know I have a TON of catching up to do on the blog challenge, and to be honest I'm not sure I plan on catching up! But I will give you a recipe :)

I'm a little possessive of this recipe, which is weird because it's not even mine, my MIL actually gave it to me. And it's so simple and yummy it's probably already well-known. But whenever I make it I get rave reviews, it's super easy to make and to customize, and it's perfect for football season!

(I'm not sure but I may have shared this with you before; if so, apologies for the duplication!)

9.20.2010

Yesterday Hubs and I had dinner with my family at my parents' house. I was in a decent enough mood, but I had one of those moments when I really felt out of place. Four of my nieces and nephews were running around the backyard, with my sister and brother leading a conversation about pregnancy and parenthood. Meanwhile Hubs and I were sitting 10 feet away looking at each other with nothing to contribute and a burning desire to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Sigh... Score another point for infertility - driving wedges between family members since 830 B.C.

Not helping matters: Today is CD22 (about 8DPO), and I just know AF will be visiting this weekend. I really wasn't holding out much hope for this C, but I'm bummed. Very bummed. Ugh... This is still so damn hard.

Hubs and I had a very nice long weekend, though. Our trip to wine country was perfect, and we had a great time wine tasting on Friday. We booked a shuttle and wound up hitting it off with two other couples in our van, so we spent most of the day with them. We also got to spend some time with one of Hubs's good friends and his girlfriend on Thursday evening. And guess what? No one talked about kids or babies the whole trip. We got back early Saturday afternoon and spent most of the weekend just hanging out at home. It was nice and relaxing.

Seeing as we're now completely broke, it's time to quit having fun and get back to work on the house. We still (always!) have a ton to do, so that will be the focus of our weekends for the next... however long. But I'm excited to get stuff done, our little bungalow will look so much more finished and homey.

Almost time for acupuncture. Fingers crossed it does the trick and pulls me out of my funk today.

9.15.2010

Hubs bought this book called Eve.rything is Going to Ki.ll Eve.rybody and I've been reading it in bits and pieces. Each chapter describes a different way that the world could easily be destroyed by something already in existence: supervolcanoes, weird diseases, nanotechnology, etc. It's actually a really funny book, but I think it's starting to give me nightmares. This morning I woke up from a dream that my little brother was trying to kill a Smart car that had achieved sentience and was out to get us.

Or maybe I just drank too much wine with dinner...

Anywho.

Happy Friday!! Well, to me. Apologies to those of you that are only halfway through your workweek. I'm pretty excited to be going up north for a couple of days, but even more excited to be able to sleep in for four days in a row! I'm tired!

What would a 400th post be if there wasn't some smack-talking?

I mentioned there's a lady at work who's pregnant; she's about 10 weeks along, and I'm sorry, but she's really starting to tick me off. I would like to tell her, "Look. You don't need a belly band at 10 weeks, what you need are new pants. You're not 'showing,' you just gained 15 pounds because you've been eating way too much for the past 2 months!" But what really bothers me is that she'll go into my two employees' office and talk their ears off about her pregnancy. One of those two employees is the one who just miscarried. I don't think she knows about it (she definitely doesn't know about mine), but it's still a. annoying and b. unprofessional. If it happens again I am going to ask her to kindly knock that shit off.

And to wrap things up, a brief TTC update! Wee...

So yeah... we're TTC this C. I think I ovulated somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday. I'm trying not to think about it very much, to be honest! It would be really easy for me to start obsessing and I don't want to do that. So I'll just listen to my C+B meditations, and enjoy what will hopefully be a lovely and relaxing long weekend!

Once again, we get back into the territory where Kitty can't make a decision. I have a couple of ideas for my "dream house."

One is up on a hill in the town Hubs and I live in. It's a sprawling Spanish-style house high on the hill, near downtown, and has great ocean views. It has a horseshoe floor plan with an open courtyard in the middle, and is luxuriously appointed with marble and all that good stuff. Unfortunately it was well over $1 million, just a tad out of our price range! What can I say, we have champagne dreams on a Miller Lite budget.

But probably my dream dream house would be up the coast a ways, where there's still plenty of open space. Up there it's mostly gently rolling hills dotted with oak trees, and it's so peaceful and lovely. I'm not exactly sure what kind of house I'd like on my 100 or so acres... One story or split-level would be nice. And something with plenty of character, maybe a 60's style house - low and flat-looking with big windows and a slope roof. Or a Craftsman with dark hardwood floors throughout and a big wraparound veranda. And of course it gets pretty hot up there, so we'd have to have a really swanky pool!

9.14.2010

From our house to Sin City is about a 5 hour drive. We have our routine down and it goes pretty quick actually. We left on Friday night... but not until after 8:00. That was okay though because we brought two boxes of Red Bull! Yee-haw! Other than being pulled over for speeding down a two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere (and AMAZINGLY getting let off with a warning) it was an uneventful drive.

Realizing that we are now old and unable to keep up with the debaucherous atmosphere of the strip, we decided to book a room at a resort in Henderson, the next city over. It was really lovely. Hubs and I were perfectly happy to spend all day Saturday right there - breakfast at the Pancake House, lying by the pool drinking margaritas, and gambling in their huge casino. And the weather was perfect, just hot enough to make me feel like I finally got a little taste of summer before it's completely over.

Saturday night we saw Peepshow, Ho.lly Mad.ison's (from the Girls Next Door) show. It was pretty entertaining, and seeing Ho.lly up close and very personal was, surprisingly, a little self esteem booster! The girl actually has some meat on her bones - for a Pla.yboy model anyway. Of course all the other dancers were skinny as rails, but still. It's nice to see someone in entertainment (especially mostly-naked entertainment) that looks human. Well, minus the big fake rack, of course.

And that was it! We were exhausted after a day of drinking in the sun and it was a late show, so we went back to the hotel and went to bed. The next morning we checked out early and beat the traffic coming home.

Next up: The four-day weekend! Hubs and I are taking off on Thursday to visit some friends and wineries up north on the central coast. We'll only be there two nights, though, so we can have some down time at home on Saturday and Sunday. (And also because we're going broke with all this spending we're doing!)

I don't read much non-fiction. I'm something of an escapist, I want a book to transport me far away from my world, and non-fiction doesn't usually do that for me. However, I recently read a couple of books that I enjoyed.

One, which I think I may have already told you about and I just recommended to Miss Ruby yesterday, is Michael Crichton's Travels. I probably enjoyed it because it sorta reads like fiction. It's mostly about his experiences traveling, but also delves into his time in medical school (I didn't know Crichton got his MD) as well as some crazy psychic-type experiences he had.

I read it at the same time I was reading Ea.t Pray Lo.ve (which, if you haven't read it, has a lot more substance than the movie) and there were a lot of similarities between it and Travels. Including, in my opinion, having flat endings. But other than that I thougt they were both quite good.

9.13.2010

Oops, I got stumped on the blog challenge with the "photo of me taken over 10 years ago" assignment, and now I'm a few days behind! I'll try to catch up tonight.

For now I will tell you about a fictional book. Wait, hold up a sec - is this supposed to be like, my favorite fictional book? Because I already did that one. The guidelines for this game just say "a fictional book," they don't specify whether said book should be one I loved, or hated, or learned something important from, or wanted to burn, or... whatever.

So I'll tell you about the book I'm reading right now. It's called Girls' Poker Night by Jill A. Davis, and according to the cover it's a National Bestseller. You might notice I didn't add periods to thwart search engines from finding this title or author on my blog. That's because I have such a strong opinion of this book that I want people to benefit from the wisdom of my experience.

Mind you, I'm not even halfway through the book right now, but I highly doubt my opinion will change by the time I finish.

In a word, Girls' Poker Night SUCKS. I guess the author is/was a blogger (yes, I tried to find her blog but what I found hadn't been updated since 2007), and apparently that's the only writing style she knows. Which is fine and dandy if all you write are blogs. Or maybe essays. Or articles. Or short stories. But definitely not novels! Novels need to be organized, they need to flow, they need a freakin' storyine most of all, and this book has none of that. The plot is more like an afterthought in a collection of page-long tangents that might ellicit a giggle once in a while, but are so distracting that by the time Davis makes her way back to the story, you've completely forgotten where she left off.

But if that was the worst thing about this book, I still wouldn't be as annoyed as I am to read it. The worst part is the gratuitous use of the phrase "I mean." (E.g.: "I mean, who writes like that?") And I'm not talking about dialogue here. There are sections of this book where Davis uses "I mean" in every single paragraph at least once. She repeats a couple other phrases to irritating effect as well, but that one is by far the worst. Seriously? Get a new catch phrase, preferably one that doesn't make you sound like a gum-smacking Valley girl tween. And, oh yeah, try to only use it a few times throughout the book, please.

You might wonder why I continue to read Girls' Poker Night given how much I clearly dislike it. And I guess the answer to that is it's like a train wreck where I can't make myself look away. I hope it gets better, but for now at least it makes for decent blog fodder!

(When I go back to catch up on the blog challenge days I've missed, I'm going to give the posts the correct dates, so if you care to look at them just go back in my blog history.)

Whenever I leave the house I have to make sure I know exactly where he is, so there's no chance of him sneaking past me. Preferably, I like him to be within my sights while I'm closing the door. If I don't know where he is as I'm about to leave, I'll look around the house for him before I go out. Luckily our house is really small and it only takes a few seconds!

The stupid thing is, he's never once snuck outside and gone missing. He likes to go out, but he doesn't try to make a break for it. He just saunters onto the steps to chew on a weed or sprawl out on the stoop. I'm just really, super paranoid about it. I love my kitty!

9.09.2010

This is a beach (if you can call it that) in my town, right off the promenade. Believe it or not, this used to be a really nice, wide, sandy beach. I'd often come here to lay out in the sun and play on the beach all throughout my childhood and teen years.

How did this happen, you ask? Well, not too much farther up the coast is a river that used to flow steadily into the ocean, bringing with it the silt and sand that made up this beach. In the 50's they dammed it up, and the beach sand was no longer regularly replenished. Over the past 10-15 years the existing sand (and staircase) finally eroded away to what you see above.

There's a local movement to tear the dam down since it no longer serves its original purpose, and is destroying what was once a beautiful beach. Not only that, but the river used to be full of trout that can't survive in the tiny stream that's left. It sounds cut and dried, but of course there's all kinds of red tape and bureaucracy that's holding up the project. Here's hoping they're able to cut through all that soon and bring back the beach I once loved!

9.08.2010

This definitely makes me sad. And a little angry. But I can't quite bring myself to delete it (and its 4 siblings) off my computer.

Anyway, I never got around to posting this when it happened, so I guess it's sort of fitting to post it now. I'm not wallowing or anything; actually I'm looking forward to trying again. I'm trying not to expect too much, but feeling a little hopeful... and yes, a little scared too. But I gotta keep on moving!

It's too early for all this bad news today. My employee who just found out she's pg started bleeding, and now she thinks she's miscarrying. It is still very early, so it would technically be a chemical, but she's going for betas this week so we'll see. She's bummed, but not devastated. Still, I'm sad for her.

Right after she told me that I got an email from a friend who just found out she has PCOS. (She has two kids and wants at least one more.) She wants to read up on it, so if anyone knows of any good, informative web sites to recommend please let me know.

Knock on wood I don't hear any more bad news today. I thought it felt like a weird day this morning. Do you ever get that? Every once in a while I'll be on my way to work and I'll think, "It's going to be a weird day," and everything turns out to be just a bit off. That's how today feels.

The thought of finding another job is almost always on my mind. Often it's sort of tucked away as I trudge through one day after another. Then every couple of months it jumps out of hiding and practically screams at me, "You have GOT to get out of here before you lose it!!!" Now is one of those times. Of course the feeling is being multiplied by last week's news, which my three employees will no doubt be talking about nonstop for a while. But it's true, I do need to get out of here, and as soon as I discover what it is I'd rather be doing I'm bolting!

Until then, I'm working for the weekends. This past one was nice and mellow. Hubs and I went to breakfast with some friends followed by the Dodger game on Sunday, and yesterday we went to the movies to see Inc.eption (which I'm still trying to figure out). Other than that we pretty much sat on our butts, it was good.

In a saucy turn of events, we're going to Las Vegas this weekend! We couldn't decide whether to stick with our original plans to go wine tasting for our four day weekend next week, or to give in to our desire to visit Sin City instead... So we figured what the hell, we'll do both! This Friday we're driving out after work for a quickie sun-filled getaway, and next Thursday we'll head up north for a long mellow weekend.

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So, knock on wood, I stopped bleeding on Saturday. I think/hope/pray it's for real this time. I had acupuncture that morning and when I told him that the nurse said it could have been my period when it started back up again last Monday, he seemed to agree. So that makes today CD9. I'm starting herbs again tomorrow and C+B tonight, and I even got back into the groove of taking my vitamins and supplements over the past few days. Guess I'm officially back on the TTC wagon.

9.04.2010

9.03.2010

I just found out one of my employees is pregnant. It took her three months. To be fair, I knew, or at least had many good reasons to believe, that she and her husband had been trying. As much as it's sooo not about me, I have this feeling like I've been punched in the stomach.

I'm supposed to be the one getting bigger, finding out the sex of the baby any time now, and trying barf in the bathroom without anyone hearing.

To add to it, my suspicions that another woman in the department is also pregnant have been confirmed as well.

Not to be all Eeyore, but WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONE WHO ALWAYS GETS THE SHIT END OF THE STICK???

I'm amazed our new EVO's arrived yesterday because they were literally sold out everywhere and it's only been a week since we ordered them from B.est B.uy.

Unfortunately, Be.st B.uy is apparently staffed with a bunch of friggin' monkeys because, although they had no problem switching Hubs's phone number from AT&T to Sprint, mine is now completely disabled with both services! Hopefully it'll be set up sometime today, no thanks to the monkey zone over at BB.

I'm such a dork, I've been showinge everyone at work today. This is a big day for me! I finally stepped into the 21st century!

In case you haven't sensed the trend, I am incapable of choosing individual favorites (except for favorite cat - Atticus. Oh! And favorite man - Hubs). Today's topic will be no exception.

Some of my favorite TV shows include...

Tosh.0 - if you don't watch it, you should. It's both disturbing and hilarious.

Glee - Disclaimer: I truly think this show is awful. The storylines are unrealistic, the ridiculously auto-tuned voices hurt my heart, and the characters are annoying as hell. But do I watch it religiously every week? You bet I do! I can't help it! They must put crack in the commercials or something.

Cougartown - Am I alone in my love of Courtney Cox? I think she's a riot.

Modern Family - Needs no explanation.

The Middle - I wasn't expecting to like this one, but I'm glad I gave it a chance. I especially love the two younger kids, they're hilarious!

9.01.2010

Three posts in one day, you must be sick of me! I'll try to be quick, promise.

A little update on the bleeding - I was freaking myself out with the horror stories I found by googling things like, "heavy bleeding 2 weeks after D&C," so I decided to call the doctor back. I needed to get the results of my last blood test anyway. Well good news, my hcg is down to 8! Thank God. I'll be retesting in 2 weeks. So then I asked the nurse about the bleeding and she said basically the same thing the other chick told me: as long as I'm not going through more than a pad an hour it's considered normal, everyone is different, there's no time frame to go by, etc. Then she asked if this is around the time my period would normally be starting.

...Well, yeah... actually it's exactly that time. But I thought that was impossible; how could I have even ovulated when I've been bleeding for the past month? She told me it's possible. Now I'm thinking this actually does kinda feel like AF... maybe...?

Well, it does no good speculating, but if I stop bleeding in the next several days I'm going to take that as GAME ON. It's been over a month since I miscarried (and according to the pathology report from the D&C - the stuff they removed was not part of the "products of conception," just my own gunk stuck in there, so turns out the miscarriage was complete after taking those pills); I think that's long enough.

Of course the blog challenge had to start with a hard one! I blame my inability to make desicions for the fact that I've never been able to single out a favorite anything. I can't choose just one, there are so many that get my toes tappin'.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet - On Joy and Sorrow

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."