Wednesday, January 21, 2009

She did grrrreat! Tony the freaking Tiger couldn't have said it better. My Elodie was in a cheerful mood and showed Dr. Winter and Scott, the physical therapist at the Child Development Clinic, all her tricks. She did sorta started to loose it in the end, but hey, they always do at doctor appointments.

So the plan is...We are going to stay on track with the physical therapy at DDI and Shriner's. Scott also suggested we think about getting her a wheel chair to use as a tool for exploration. Elodie probably wouldn't use it all the time if we did get her one, just when we where out. She could really move and explore with other kids. We will cross that bridge when we come to it though. I plan on asking Mark, her Shriner's PT when we go there on Friday what he thinks. Apparently, kids younger than Elodie learn to navigate in a chair just fine and she would still be gaining strength through therapy and being down on the floor crawling around. So yeah...not a bad assessment. She is also going to have another MRI in February to make sure that the tumor is going away (yeah!), or staying stagnant (meh), or if it is growing (God forbid). Those two days are going to be tough for me, find me and hug me tight. I have already prescribed myself deep breaths and yoga.

My day was totally made when Dr. Winter, a very excellent doctor and just all around cool person, said that I was smart and a good mom. GAH! That so rocks! She said I was so calm, level headed and easy to talk to. That made me feel like the cat's pajamas. I respect this woman so greatly. She was there through all of Elodie's tests, even though she didn't need to be, early on in the process her part was finished. She really helped me feel that she cared about us and that I was not alone in all of it. She was there and that can be rare for a doctor. It was a good appointment all around. And Camden came! So this time I really wasn't alone! We had lunch afterward and that was really nice. Joaquin was good and followed directions. It is rad when everyone is doing their thing and getting along. That makes me feel like, "Yeah, maybe I am doing a few things right, and maybe it is going to work out like I hope." Here to having really cool kids!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I just finished playing my show and I couldn't sleep or even calm down from what transpired there tonight. I had to write to get a sense of peace within me. Usually this wild energy is a good thing; more glasses are raised, hugs are given, happiness is abounding, but tonight was sorely not the case.

We rocked it! It was a great show. There were tons of people there, a lot of which I had been hoping to see for a long time. The crowd was into it and totally dancing and every thing. We finished and I get off stage to hug my Jennifer, and I hear that a girl was pointing out my stretch marks to people while I was tearing the roof off the dive. (I wore a black tank, with a sparkly silver cardigan over it, so while dancing my tank would creep up a bit to show my stretch marks like a half an inch at the most) "WHAT?!?" Was my first response and then, "Oh hell no..." came next.

I was possessed by such anger and disgust. There was no way in my mind I was going to let a person walk out of that bar thinking that they could totally down play everything I had just done on that stage, just because I carried and gave birth to three beautiful kids. I found the girl and promptly said, "Hey, heard you were pointing my stretch marks out to your friends while I was singing. Yeah, I have three {expletive} kids, and I have {expletive} stretch marks, and I {expletive} dare you, {expletive} dare you to do what I just did on the stage! So you better think about what you are saying the next time you want to comment on someone's body! {expletive} YOU! You {expletive, expletive} (The last word is one of my favorite swears of all time rarely used in the states, but it is probably considered the worst thing you can say to a girl ever! *blush* Censored version for my LDS mommy friends out there, it was said pretty loudly too) I reduced this twenty-two year old clueless girl to tears, which I feel TERRIBLE about! As a mom, I should be better and not fly off the handle like that, think of a better way to say it. I was filled with a rage for all moms and their struggles that I couldn't just let this roll off my duck back.

Then her friend comes up to me to try to explain her friend's stupidity...Saying that it was so cool that I would even get up there and play a show like that. The way she put this did not sit well with me at all. She called me insecure for being upset about it. I said how could an insecure person get on stage and do what I did. Doesn't make sense. This girl wouldn't lay off, she was totally setting herself up for a punch in the mouth. Ryan (best man ever) told her to get the {expletive} out or she was totally going to get messed up and she was two seconds away from hitting the floor and she totally was. She even had the gall to say that I wasn't open minded enough to here her side. BAHAHAHAHAHA! ME!

It wasn't about me though. People really can say what they want about me and the way I look. The thing that kills me with this mindset is, if you don't have kids or aren't close to someone who does, you have no idea and no right to comment on how it is to have children. When I heard that smack had been talked, I immediately felt that it was said about someone close to me and not really myself. Moms struggle so hard to weigh their personal lives against the care of and lives of their children. It is so hard for me to tuck my babies in and leave them with a sitter to go play a show. It is so hard for me to see my son get in his dad's car when it is time for him to go to his house for visitation. It is so hard to see your life and interests be split down the middle and then try to balance them with everything your kids are into.

To be a mother, adoptive or biological, you sacrifice EVERYTHING! You give up your body, time, sleep, food, drink, last bite of a cookie, you favorite stuffed animal, bed, pillow, intimacy, privacy, television time, and nearly every waking thought for your children. It is all done gladly and with a full heart of love. I am glad that I was ripped apart and sewn back together for my children, I wouldn't have it any other way. If I have a few scars, so be it. I created life! I know unconditional love. I am unconditional love from head to toe.

Mother's struggle with this crazy portrayed sense of what beauty is on a daily basis. So when I am out doing something that is completely for myself, but supported by my kids and family, it is incensing that someone could comment on how my body has been badly stretched out by those fantastically supportive people. I felt all the pain and insults that have been thrown at me over the years boil to the surface of my stretch marked skin and had to say a resounding FUCK YOU to all of those that are ignorant and themselves insecure. (Sorry not censored, because some times people need to hear what is coming to them)

My hope is that those girls will think before they try to speak on someone else's life and experiences before making assumptions and judgements. That someday they can know exactly how it feels to give your full self to a person and not expect anything in return, it is a beautiful thing. That they can understand it isn't about what it looks like, but how it feels. My hope is also that I never ever ever hear again, "Wow you look great for having three kids!" I look great because and feel great about myself and I work hard to have a healthy body, mind and soul, so that everyday I can get up and take care of those amazing kids.

All my Mommies, I love you and I stood up for us tonight. Without us, there would be no world. Let's teach people to not tear down what can create life. Start by teaching your babies what it is like to love like this and how wonderful it really is to be called MOM, no matter what you look like.

About Me

I am the SAHM to three children with huge names, but they will grow into them. I have a strong sense of justice and believe in good manners. I am interested in learning so much. Also, I am about yarn lots and lots of yarn!