My best friend, okay she is more like a sister, had her baby on May 25. I haven’t set foot in labor and delivery since I had and placed my daughter for adoption almost 7 years ago. I that being there for her was going to be hard and it was going to bring emotions to the top that I hadn’t dealt with. What I didn’t realize at the time was how healing it was going to be for me to be there with her and the baby.

After I got off of work I headed to the hospital and right when I pulled into the parking lot I broke down and started to cry. I had to sit in my cry for a few minutes because the last thing she needed was to see me crying when see was in labor. After I few minutes I got it together and I went into the hospital. I didn’t really know where to be so I just stayed in the hall right outside the room she was in.

After she had him and we all came in the room and they asked me if I wanted to hold him all I could do was shake my head no. My eyes filled up with tears and it was all I could do to keep from leaving the room. To be honest in that minute I didn’t know if I would even hold him while he was in the hospital. Every time I thought about holding him it brought all the emotions I had pushed to the background and hadn’t dealt with.

After they got her up to her postpartum room and her boyfriend left so he could run home and do a few things I stayed so that she wouldn’t have to be alone. I didn’t want her to be alone because I know when I had my daughter it was hard to be in the hospital all alone. After it was just the 3 of us I knew it was time to hold him and start to deal with the emotions.

After I held him for a little bit I realized that he did something for me that I didn’t know he could. I can’t put into words what he did but he healed a part of me that I thought would always be broken. He is so special to me because he will never know what he did for me and that is okay but he will always be a huge part of my life.

I am sure that most of you know by now that I place my daughter for adoption when I was 20. She will be 7 in July and it is so hard to believe that it has been 7 years since I have been pregnant. I never thought I was going to make it through the first year let alone 7 years.

I deeply resent the people who have said, about birth parents, “I can’t imagine ever giving away my child.”

The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine. The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go. This instinct isn’t really the love itself but rather our own heart’s selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.

But birth parents understand that truly loving someone can mean letting go. It can mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.

It is utter selflessness. It is true courage. It is pure love.

I read this quote to my grandma the other night and it brought tears to her eyes. This says everything that I felt when I placed my daughter but have never found the words to express. There isn’t much I can really say about it because she says everything that is in my heart. I really recommend that you should go and check out her blog and read the whole story of her adopting their newest little girl.