My Story

Well what happens when God’s version of my life is different than my version? This is my story of what that looks like, what it feels like and how we are putting it all into a story that will bring others to Jesus.

That’s really what this is all about. All our stories. What did we do while waiting for Jesus?

I was many things before my oldest son,Walker, became sick.. A wife, a teacher, a photographer, an artist, a mother, an idealist, a stay at home mom. After Walker died, I wasn’t really sure who I was anymore. I had spent two years of my life, day and night, trying to save his life. I didn’t exist anymore. Trying to figure out what comes next was pretty scary. I would have to face who I was again, and I wasn’t sure what that looked like.

It turns out that I am pretty much the same just with one foot in heaven and one on earth. Things don’t matter nearly as much as they used to, life is not to be taken for granted. Each day is a gift and I am going to choose to spend my time wisely. I will serve and love God. I will use my gifts as a blessing to others and as an opportunity to share about Christ.

Things are different. At every moment, I am aware that Walker is not here. Everything reminds me of him but I am not taken captive by these feelings. I will cry or laugh or smile about it and breath it out and move forward.

I write now because it connects the chaos in my brain with the reality of the world and how to swallow the truth and choose hope.

I am slowly discovering that who I am now after losing a son, is so much closer to the person that God wants me to be. Through trials we birth this solid version of ourselves and I am just trying to cling to it and be faithful and if you want, then you can read about it.

As I figure out the rest, I spend my time as a photographer, writer and in girls ministry.

I have really been wrestling with the disappointment of what I've done with my life. I know that sounds horrible but this is really the only way that we can help each other, for us to be honest. I mean, I love the choices that I have made. I love my family and my town and my niche.

But it has always felt like I had miles and miles before me to decide how I would spend my "blink of an eye" . I knew it was going to go quick, at least, that is what everyone says. But in our youth, it seems light years away. Like something will eventually come but you still don't quite understand how you can measure the distance of light anyways, so why focus on it?

It seems like those days will never come.

And then the milestones come and slap you around a little. The big one is 40, that is looming in the distance and making me feel like I better get in shape, fix my face and have my first big professional achievement because um. 40. That is a huge marker and what happens after that? Geriatric Retreats? Group Bus Tours? Restaurant discounts?

Your faith. Your actions. Someone else's life can actually be different because of what you do. I love this thinking so much because it completely takes away all my anxiety over how I get to be used in this world. Basically, because I love Jesus and have surrendered my life to him. I give him away. NOT MYSELF.