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Disappointed

When I was a little, I was a daddy’s little girl. My dad was my life! There was not one day when I did not talk about my father. In my eyes he could do no wrong. But the funny thing is that my dad was not around as much as he should have. I would see him 3-6 times a year When we would speak on the phone he would promise my brother and I that he would spend the day with us on Sunday so when Sunday would come around I would wake up early, get dressed, and wait for him. I would always be in such a great mood until the hours passed and I realized he was not coming or when he would call and say he couldn’t make it. I would sit there crying for hours until I fell asleep. When I was older I knew I wanted better for my children but that was just a random thought I had.

It was difficult for me to picture myself with kids especially at a young age but who knew I would get pregnant by my fathers exact replica!!! After my son was born his father would make a lot of promises about coming and seeing our son on a weekly basis. Some times he would some times he wouldn’t. But there was this one time when we had made plans to go to his family’s house and I was very excited that I would spend time with his family .That day I took the car seat from my mom’s car and I got my son ready and I waited patiently for him to come. After hours he called me and gave me the dumbest excuse for why he could not make it. I sat there on the phone crying and yelling at him. He just listened calmly as I yelled at him and told him how tired I was of hearing the same excuse over and over again just like I use to yell at my dad when I was younger. I was faced with reality that my son would have the same experience as I did with my dad. I just cried and prayed that my son would one day understand that it wasnt his fault.

There isn’t a day when I don’t think about what I’m going to tell my son about his father. I worry that he will blame me or himself for his dad not being around like he should. But I hope that with time I can learn to forgive myself for choosing that man to be his father and I hope that when the time comes when he ask about his father that I remain clam and know exactly what to say.