Mental Reconditioning

Today, I returned from a day trip to Stockholm (concerning my future job) After flying on the worst flight of my life, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever make it home. The flight was so turbulent that people all around me were puking in barf bags. It was kind of ironic… a bulimic (in recovery) on a plane where everyone else is puking. If that would’ve happened years ago, I probably would have acted sick, utilizing those bags myself.
Now back home, I’ve decided to conquer another level of the ED–mental reconditioning. I’ve blogged before about how I feel guilty for not sticking to my food plan, even though I know I don’t have to stick to it perfectly.

Recovery is, after all, about balance.

But I’m just sick of feeling guilty about it.

So, I have two choices:

1.) Stop feeling guilty;

2.) Stick to my food plan.

Because I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty and can’t seem to internalize imperfect abstinence, then my only option is to stick to my food plan.
Usually, I stick to my food plan all day, and then at night I’ll eat something unplanned. It isn’t because I’m hungry. I get anxiety about eating what I planned. Why? I don’t think there is any deeply-rooted reason. I think it’s just because I’m not practiced in eating only what’s on my food plan. My mind is conditioned to eat off of my food plan. I need to condition it to do the opposite.
So, for today, I’m going to try it.

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10 thoughts on “Mental Reconditioning”

normal eating probably isn’t having a food plan, but yeah, that’s ‘normal healthy people’. For US, having a food plan often seems to be the best bet. I know if I don’t, i’ll eat too little and think I’ve eaten way too much, or I’ll eat too much, panic and it will precipitate binge/purge, I guess accountability is a huge plus.
Maybe having a bit more flexibility within your meal plan would help. Instead of set meals, what about trying having exchanges so you could make each meal up what you felt like having at that time rather than what you ‘had’ to have, or having several meal options already planned to choose from? For example, lunch, a choice of this sandwich OR that hot meal OR that salad etc? whereas exchanges would give you “this many serves of carb, this many serves of protein, this many serves of veg” etc and you get to choose anything you want as long as they fit your serves.
Also you sound like me – I keep rebelling “I don’t WANT to eat like it’s a prescription, I WANT to eat when I want, what I want” i long to eat intuitively, the problem is i wouldn’t recognise an intuitive food/hunger thought if it bit me on the bum!
hang in there and best of luck xxx

Thank you, sweetie. You are so nice. This recovery process is so sloooow. I’m so tired of thinking about food. I wish it were in pills or something. Taking them once a day and moving on with life. Dreaming. 🙂

I so agree… it’s so exhausting *hugs* but remember it’s LESS exhausting than Bulimia was – never forget the utter chaos and despair of Bulimia because it’s easy to kid ourselves into thinking ‘it wasn’t that bad’ and that this is too hard now. But it’s worth this to be away from that. xxx

Food plans should exist for everyone, not just the eating disordered. If one doesn’t have a food plan, I firmly believe that one isn’t accomplishing the best nutrition that can only be achieved through careful thought. And for a bulimic? A food plan is so important so as to maintain the control that is otherwise lost through bingeing. Bulimia cannot be controlled through “challenges.” Ex: “This isn’t on my food plan, but I’m going to challenge myself.” Or, “I had a long flight, so what the hell? I’ll eat bananas.” Deviation from the plan must be planned. And yes, I stick to my food plan but allow for that plan to grow and change without Restriction. Rather, I allow for it to grow and change with Reason.

Embracing objectivist philosophy is so perfect for finding health after bulimia without having the pressure to be like everyone else. I would’t want to be like my friends in any other way . . . so why chocolate? Just because it’s a challenge for me? Hell no! 😉 xoxoxo

I’m Greta. I live in a small country in Europe. I am recovering from an eating disorder. But this blog is not only about that. It’s a cozy corner of my little life, full of passions for fashion, food, books and movies. Oh, and coffee... Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.

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DISCLAIMER

I am NOT a Registered Dietician, psychiatrist, specialist of eating disorders, personal trainer, or a certified fitness instructor. Everything I post is from what I have learned on my own and what works best for me.