Terminal 5 Heathrow is just a shopping centre for people with more money than sense. Why do they think we want to buy things at the airport when they make such a fuss about how much we can take on the fing plane? I really hate airports too and espcially the security bit. They know who they are looking for but they still insist on every bugger having to take off their shoes and put this here and that there. You should have a go at Stornoway airport. Best to turn up there in a hospital x-ray gown and no bags at all. They should have a seperate check in for terrorists so that the rest of us can get on with our travelling in peace.

If you have to be at an airport, Oslo is not bad at all. San Francisco is tolerable. The new bit of Arlanda in Stockholm is ok.

Best airport in the world? Preveza, in Greece. After you've checked in, you wander across the road to a outdoor bar, when you can sink some beers under the shade of a tree until you see your plane starting to board 200 yards away.

One of the worst in my opinion is Paris CDG. What a fucking shithole. Seriously, I thought the French were fairly nationalistic but I think even the most nationalistic surrender-monkey would fucking struggle to be proud of that turd of an airport.

Even Bangalore airport, which looks like a large warehouse with stained-yellow polystyrene ceiling tiles and the occasional rat running under your feet was more comfortable. At least there were plenty of seats there. Woe betide if you arrive at CDG before your check-in desk closes. There's fucking nowhere sit down until you get airside. It's a disgrace.

By today's standards Inverness is quite bearable, though they felt it necessary to frisk my 86 year old aunt on her way home (Gatwick did the same when she was on her way up here, but it has to be admitted she has always been a very attractive woman).

I had a pleasure flight on Classic Wings DC3 Dakota from Norwich last year. Despite the fact that all of us were quite clearly enthusiasts (having paid £100 for a 25 minute flight) we still had to go through the usual security checks, including taking our shoes off.

I suppose I should be thankful that we were able to take photo's of a wonderful piece of nostalgia. Unfortunately it is now banned from passenger flying in the UK thanks to absurd EU regulations.....

Yes, I remember now, Vienna does have a sex shop, mostly DVDs. But try as I might, I couldn't find either the one with the champagne bottle and the flying turd, or the one with the tasteful use of the champagne flute. :o(

You want to see a really bad airport? Survanabhumi the new airport in Bangkok the old one was OK this monstrosity was built as a legacy of the mass murderer Thaxin Shinawatra the ex owner of Manchester city football club and prine minister here. The name means cobra awamp and they should have left it to them.Its miles from anywhere and I have been in more appealing factories bare concrete everywhere no seats only airside King Power the duty free scam shop has a habit of arresting customers who step out of the shop and as the boundaries are not marked an easy thing to the police (nice people here hand held out for money gun in the other)than take the poor sod away until about £2,000 in "tea money" is paid On a brighter note anto government protesters closed the place down for 3 weeks last year thereby extending the holiday of 300,000 people.

Back to Stornoway airport; they scanned my feet when I had taken my shoes off. What is going on? I think they make it up and the scanner was just the bird's hair straighteners. And I just love the other numpty travellers that are up for all this crap because it makes them feel really secure.

I recommend London City airport before they expand it or whatever it is that they are doing to it. Small, fairly relaxed before check in and airside, sympathetic but competant security check, hardly any shops and not many kids running around. No sodding buses to get from the gate to the plane. The final approach over the Thames has you reaching for the will writing kit but all in all a very civilised experience.

A tacky duty-free shop, a "departure lounge" (a laughable way to describe this - a horribly crowded, oven-type experience where no-one can sit down or move), a rip-off threadbare airport bar (£1 for a can of Coke v 50p in the local shops), a pointless and degrading security rigmarole, rude customs officials, the same families running the same crap departure lounge shops that you can visit in the town centre, having to stand 30 minutes outside the airport to get in and then 30 minutes inside before you can get in... horrible. Absolute organised chaos.