Impossible Creatures

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Fictional truths stranger than truthful fictions? You betcha!

By Sigma Research Society

Recently, while surveying an archaeological dig in a newly discovered string of tropical islands in the South Pacific, researchers uncovered a vault of microfiche dating back to the 1930s. The materials detail "Sigma Technology," an advanced science years ahead of its time that theoretically combines the DNA of different animals to create a new hybrid beast. Further examination of this "Sigma Technology" has shed new light into the dark corners of this world. This article is the first in a series of features investigating the truth behind the world's most revered and enigmatic urban mythologies.

"Sigma Technology Gone Awry: Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster"

Speculation continues to run rampant on the origins of the mysterious serpentine beast that dwells in the murky depths of Loch Ness. Is it a Jurassic era plesiosaurus, cryogenically preserved through the unique nature of Loch Ness? Perhaps a ghostly spirit of a medieval dragon, cursed by a witch coven for its ghastly transgression against the Loch Ness peasants? Or, a 200 million year old mutant sturgeon?

The microfiche recently uncovered at an undisclosed chain of South Pacific islands has at last revealed another possible explanation behind the famed Loch Ness Monster. Scientific notes and photos attributed to a Dr. Erik Chanikov allude to a lost, revolutionary discovery called "Sigma Technology." According to Chanikov, Sigma Technology was designed with the purpose of combining DNA of two completely different animals to create a new, hybrid mutant. While one can only surmise the benevolent intentions of this type of technology, the opportunity for nefarious, diabolical schemes are limitless.

Chanikov's notes allude to numerous failed experiments in a hidden, underground laboratory, including the ill-fated attempt to combine the DNA of an eel and a whale. The initial results, as you can imagine, were disastrous. Chanikov describes the hybrid mutant as a rampaging eight foot long sea monster with the body of a whale, the serpentine head of an eel and, as one unfortunate lab assistant discovered, an electrical aura capable of electrocuting the creature's victims.

So how did the fruits of "Sigma Technology," based in the South Pacific, find itself to Scotland's Loch Ness?

After disposing of his laboratory assistant's charred husk, Chanikov discovered to his horror that the beast was growing. Calculating the exponential growth of the beast, and acting out of Frankenstein-isque love for the beast, Dr. Chanikov arranged to have his mutant creation delivered to the one place that would ensure a safe haven for his monster -- the deep, underwater caverns of Loch Ness.

Well-preserved photographs found with the microfiche clearly show the monster in question: a strange, lurking amalgam of electric eel and gray whale. Over the years, the creature has grown to an enormous size, occasionally making its way to the surface, lured by a craving for human flesh.