December 13, 2010

Dear Jack, Month 42

Dear Jack,

Tonight I mentioned to Debbie that this was the first month I hadn't written you a letter since you were two months old. I'd thought about it several times and just decided that this would be the month that it ended. Life has been too crazy and after all . . . 41 months is a pretty good run.

But as soon as the words left my mouth, the guilt settled in. Not just because I hadn't written your letter . . . writing letters to your children isn't on the list of "things you must do to be a good Mom." I felt guilty because it's just one more thing in a long line of areas I've neglected over the last few weeks.

I think every Mom ends up feeling a little bit "less than" at some point. On some days, I let you watch way too much television. Your Dad has done most of the bedtimes lately and when I tried to do one the other night, you politely asked if he could instead. And today, you had popcorn for lunch. And hot chocolate.

I'm lacking in a lot of areas, and as you get older you might start to hold some of those things against me. And that's okay . . . I can take it. I just want you to know that I'm doing the best that I can to do what's best for you and your brother. I love you more than you'll ever be able to understand.

Also, I plan on continuing the letters. Not because I feel guilty, but because I'm not finished. There's so much more I have to tell you.