People according to Earth-shapes

I apologise for the muffled noise in the closet; I had to tie up every scientist in the world before embarking on this article. Anyway, let's pretend we've all lost our sense of logic and basic knowledge of EVERYTHING for a while, and talk about what your Earth-shape preference says about you.

Globe Earth: This person is just downright silly and basic. They act high and mighty and tend to look down on other Earth-shape hypotheses. Frankly, it's annoying. After all, what kind of a loser do you have to be to believe in weird stuff like gravity? Listen, man, this gravity thing you're preaching about is just a social construct that can be easily proven by exiting a building through a window on the fifth floor. The real reason you're not floating off into space is because you're fat.

Flat Earth: Despite being peas in two completely separate pods, flat-earthers are a lot like globeheads; they're silly, condescending and annoying. Thankfully, they don't believe in stupid things like gravity, and are aware of the fact that 'gravity' is just the earth accelerating upwards. However, the difference is that flat-earthers are hotheads and more easily triggered than a spontaneously combustible firearm. Be careful what you say to them, because they're likely to come after you. After all, the Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.

Square Earth: Square-Earthers are relatively smaller in number and often tend to be mid-way in the conversion from a globehead to a flat-earther. They retain none of the characteristics of their more extreme counterparts. They love doing things fair and square, making square deals, having three square meals a day, and they always square their shoulders before attempting something. The only game they play is Minecraft, because they think the graphics really take things back to square one, which they love.

Polyhedral Earth: If globeheads are the Montagues and flat-earthers are the Capulets, then polyhedral-earthers bear the unfortunate fate of being both Romeo and Juliet. They love and talk like Shakespeare, they are full of bad decisions, are annoying and carry few likeable traits. They're likely to die in the most preventable and dumbest way possible, to the applause of a sensible audience with a good taste in stories.

Turtle Earth: The possibilities for the type of person you are if you're a Turtle-Earther are two-fold. You've either read Discworld or Stephen King or indulged in any form of media that places special emphasis on turtles and are fans of at least one these things. Or you're a descendant of the Iroquois, a North American native tribe who used to believe that the first humans were born on the back of a giant turtle, which, if you ask me, is not at all likely. FYI, I'm talking about the unlikelihood of you being a descendant of the Iroquois and not about the Turtle Earth hypothesis because the decision about Earth shape is still up for grabs.

Doughnut Earth: Following my previous point at the start of this article, you don't believe in gravity because you're overweight. Also, your indulgence in doughnuts has probably left you with diabetes.

Sandwich Earth: If you're in this category, it's because you know very well that the Earth is nicely layered, just like a fresh made sandwich with succulent fillings. You're also hungry. Mostly hungry.

Dinosaur Earth: Here's a shout-out to fellow Dinosaur Earth buddies, because this is the only one out of all these dumb Earth-shape hypotheses that actually makes any sense, and it's my absolute favourite. You see, through careful research, I've discovered that the Illuminati have their early foundations within the archaeologists of that time. These archaeologists have spent hundreds of years lying to the general populace, telling us how dinosaurs are 'for sills' even though windows didn't exist back in those days, let alone window sills. They tell us that dinosaurs were 'possibly' killed by 'meaty oars'. This is also false, since boats were invented about 8000 years ago, and I can assure you that the oars were made of wood. I've laid out the facts for you. Will you be a sheep? No, you will not, because here is the penultimate truth, the dinosaurs never died, and the ultimate truth is that through a process that is not clear to us yet, they became the Earth itself. Checkmate, archaeologists.

Anyway, time to get out of here before those pesky 'scientists' get out of the closet. Also, I just got a text from the Illuminati saying 'Don't move'.

Rasheed Khan is a hug monster making good music but terrible puns and jokes where he's probably the only one laughing. Ask him how to pronounce his name at aarcvard@gmail.com