It's a wonder I manage to get out of bed
some mornings. With a groan I shut off my alarm clock and drag my protesting
body to the bathroom to brush my teeth, braid my long hair, change and declare
myself ready.

I'm in my first year of college at UC
Santa Barbara, but I still live with my parents. My home is in a town called Goleta, and my house is only a few miles from
campus. Almost all my friends managed to live in the freshmen dorms their first
year of college, but that freedom isn't in the cards for me.

My parents are strict, and I mean really
strict. I am a month away from my
nineteenth birthday and they still have a stranglehold on my life. No living away from home, no staying out
late, no cutting your hair, no tattoos, no piercings, no boys, and no drinking
are the rules I have to live by. I tell
my friends if I want my tuition paid I need to toe the line until I graduate. That's a lie though. The truth is, I'm not a normal girl. Oh, I
act normal, look normal, and even have quite a few days that could be described
as downright ordinary, but I have a secret.
This life is my fairytale. This
life, if I am allowed to keep living it, will be my happily ever after.

Taking the stairs two at a time, I skid to a
halt in the kitchen and open the fridge.
My stomach wants a hot breakfast, but my watch tells me I will be eating
cereal. I hear the house starting to
stir while I shovel in a spoonful standing up at the kitchen counter.

"Maya?" My mom yells down the stairs. "Are you still here?"

"Yes Mom." I reply with my mouth full.

I can hear a loud racket pounding down the
stairs. My younger brother bounds into
the kitchen messing up his light blond hair with his fingers until it looks
just right. "Hiyah, Maya!" is
his usual greeting to me. He shoulders
me over somewhat roughly to grab the cereal that's in front of me. "Did you eat it all?!" He accuses.

"Settle down Josh," I roll my
eyes, and shove back. "It's half
full!"

His response is a grunt followed by
absolutely no apology. "So,"
he throws me a cocky grin. "I asked
Amanda Evens to Junior prom."

The strict rules that govern my behavior
are not enforced over my brother. He can
be normal. I can't say I don’t envy him,
but I don’t begrudge him. Well not too
much that is. "THE Amanda Evens? Turned you down flat huh?" I tease.

"Please!" He waves his arms over his chest and
face. "Like she would pass up
this."

"Ugh," I pretend to retch as he
parades around like a peacock. Aside
from being my brother, he does have a point.
He is the atypical California
surfer boy. Blond shaggy hair, ice blue
eyes identical to my own, golden tan, and an athletic build that completes the
package. I am sure he is more than one
girls’ dream boy at his high school.

My
mother pads in during the performance.
She is still in her fluffy green bathrobe with her hair pulled back
tightly from her face in a bun.
"What is all this about?"
She asks with a twinkle in her eye.

"Amanda Evens." Josh
and I say in unison.

"Ah, you two will be so cute together." My mom smiles indulgently at Josh, and I try
to stifle my resentment. I had to go to
prom with my cousin.

"Maya, I'm glad I caught you."
My mom is biting the side of her lip, and I physically brace
myself. She only does that when she's
going to tell me something I don't want to hear. "I ran into Mr. Raftord and he told me
you have not been in to train with him for two weeks."

"Are you checking up on me?"
I can hear the strain in my voice.
Josh takes this as his cue to exit the kitchen.

"No Maya, we just ran into each other at the super market, and he
asked me if you have been ill since he hasn’t seen you." My mother is calm, but I know the lecture
that will follow soon.

"I've been busy." I
hate sounding so petulant when I want her to treat me like an adult.

"It's important to keep up your training." My mother begins before I cut her off.

"Oh God," I huff getting angry. "It was just two weeks! I'll go in tomorrow morning first
thing."

"That's all I wanted to hear.
I just need to make sure you’re committed. You have a big responsibility Maya, but I
know you are up for the challenge."
Mom recites the same words to me almost every week.

"I DO understand mom, but you need to understand too that sometimes
I just need a break. I didn’t sign up
for this." It's the closest I have
ever come to showing her how angry my situation makes me.

My
mother rubs my arm sympathetically.
"I know none of this is fair baby girl." She looks almost as upset as I am. "You'll be twenty soon enough and your
life can be all yours then. I promise
it'll be here before you know it."

"Yeah, right." I
mutter.

"Can I make you some eggs?"
Mom asks, offering me an encouraging smile.

"No thanks, I gotta get out of here. I’m meeting Naomi at the gym." I almost regret saying the words before they
leave my mouth. Surely my mom will interject
that if I've time for that, I've time for my other responsibilities. I'm very grateful when she doesn't, which
prompts me to give her a kiss on the way out the door.

"You have to come Maya!"
Naomi is looking at me intently in the locker room mirror. We’re both getting ready after our work
out. I'm towel drying my hair while she
applies eye liner. Naomi has such pretty
eyes. She is half Japanese and half
Swedish and the combination is striking.
I've known her since third grade, and she is absolutely my closest
friend.

When
we started college this fall, I was freaked when Naomi wanted to join a
sorority. I knew that wouldn’t be
possible for me to do with her, and I was afraid to lose my closest
friend. Thankfully that did not happen. I shouldn't have doubted Naomi. She's always in my corner.

"I thought tonight was an event with your sorority." I shrug.

"It's a charity event for the homeless, even YOUR parents can't
object to that. It's at 7:00 pm, and you
can be home under the 10:30 curfew. I've
been working on this for months! You
have to come!" Naomi whines as she
finishes applying her makeup.

"OK, I will text my dad and
let him know I will be home later then expected. My mom still might say no since I didn’t give
her 30 days notice in writing." We
both laugh at that. "What am I
going to wear though? I only brought
this to school today."

"Just come by the sorority house at 5:30 and we can get ready
together. I have tons of stuff for you
to try on. It'll be so much more fun
with you there!" She bounces in
excitement. "The theme is Monte Carlo. People buy chips when they get in and those
with the most at the end win some great prizes we managed to get donated. All the money from the chips goes to the
charity."

I
smile at her warmly. "That does
sound fun. Hopefully my $32 will last
more than five minutes because that's all I have on me."

"It IS for a good cause," She bats her eyes at me. "Besides I know for a fact that Tyler is going to be
there."

"Who?" I ask feigning
complete innocence. Tyler also went to high school with Naomi and
I. Over the summer he shot up and filled
out. Now he looks a lot less like the
boy next door, and a lot more like he should be on the cover of GQ.

"Oh spare me! Mommy and
Daddy may forbid you to date a boy, but they can’t stop you from getting a good
look!" She wiggles her eyebrows
suggestively until I am grinning from ear to ear.

"Really, Maya," Naomi says with an exaggerated sigh. "When are they going to lighten up? You’re considered an adult at age 18 by the
federal government. I mean you can vote
and join the army. You should be able to
stay out late and crash at my place at least once before school is over!"

I
hate when Naomi presses me about this. I
can't be truthful with her and that's so hard.
She even went so far as to call my folks up once and ask them about me
staying over one weekend when her parents were out of town. They told her in no uncertain terms that it
wasn't going to happen. No one truly
understands why I have to follow the rules, and I hate covering it up and
sounding like a weak little girl.
"My mom told me just this morning that my junior year will be
different." The statement is not
completely the truth, but it's true.

"Why then and not now?"
Naomi scowls.

"Because then I will no longer be a teenager. The United States of America might
declare me an adult, but my parents won’t until then." I act more casual than I feel and decide a
bold statement will throw her off this conversation. "What about if we found an apartment and
moved in together?"

Her
eyes light up. "Really? Do you mean it?"

I
know once my sentence is up my parents can have nothing to object to. "Definitely! If I have to wait for then for my life to start
then I am going to have my freedom, and the only way to ensure that is having
my own place."

We
both walk out together and my heart stops when I see something by a large blue
dumpster against the back wall. I
squeeze Naomi's arm and pull her in another direction. "Let's go this way." I say casually.

"That's the long way!" She protests. "We already had a work out!"

"Please?" I say sweetly
plastering on a smile.

Her
eyes narrow suspiciously at me. "Is
this another of your crazy superstitions?"

I
laugh sheepishly. "Indulge
me?"

Naomi
sighs dramatically. "I always
do."

She
does. It's one of the things that allows
us to be friends. We walk away from the
blue dumpster and I breathe easier.

Mondays are busy. I have three classes, a lab, and my study group, not
to mention trying to find time to eat. I
still have not declared a major and am happy that the first two years of
college are spent getting your general education classes done. I have no clue what I want to do with my
life. It never really felt like
mine. Talking with Naomi about moving
out of my parent’s house made me realize I need to start thinking about the
future. And in the immediate future, I've
promised to go out tonight.

I
wait till noon to text my dad about the party with Naomi. He is always in a better mood during his
lunch break.

Hey
Dad

Naomi
is doing some charity work

for
the homeless and roped me into

helping
with the event. Be home before

10. Hope OK? :)

His
response comes quickly. I even jump when
it buzzes.

OK
sweetheart

I
will break the news to your mom

Do
me a favor and stay safe!

I
cringe slightly at the implied message.
He totally nailed me about asking him and not my mom, but my dad is far
more indulgent then my mother will ever be.
When she was my age she lived by the same rules that I do now. She loves me but has little patience with my
constant pity parties. She didn't bend
the rules, or even consider doing so, therefore, she expects me to follow them
to the letter as well.

I text Naomi before I enter my next
class.

Got
the all clear! see ya at 5:30.

I
blink and it feels like the day is over.
I dump my books and laptop in my car and sprint over to Naomi's. It's
closer to 6:00 when I knock on her door.
Khloe, her room mate, answers.

"Oh, Maya! Come in! I thought Naomi was going to send out a
search party." She laughs at her
own joke causing dimples to appear on her freckled cheeks. Khloe gives me a quick one armed hug in
greeting. I can smell her fruity shampoo
when her bright red curls tickle my nose.

"There you are!" Naomi
emerges from the bathroom looking fabulous.
She's wearing the ultimate little black dress that shows off her slender
frame, paired with platform sandals that wrap around her ankles and tie in
little bows in the back. "Wow you
look amazing." I say.

Naomi
shrugs pretending at modesty, but her pleased smile gives her away. "I picked you out something to wear
since now we have no time to go through the closet. The event is off campus on State Street, so we need to drive, and I
have to get there early to set up. No time
for complaints!"

She
hands me a pale blue dress. At first I
think it's a top since the piece of fabric is fairly small. I almost make a joke about where the rest of
it is, but decide against it. As long as
I change before I go home it should be fine.
My mom will have a total cow, but just like looking at boys, there are
no rules about how to dress. I am taller
then Naomi and much more muscular, but the dress is a perfect fit. Way shorter than anything I usually
wear. Hey, why dress for attention when
your goal is to make sure you get none?

Khloe
does my make up, she has a gift for it.
I, on the other hand, only ever wear a little lip gloss and some
blush. When she's done, I have expertly
crafted smoky eyes, curled lashes, freshly plucked brows, lips lined and
colored, and a lovely sun kissed sparkling tinge to my cheeks. Looking at my reflection in the mirror is
like looking at some other girl.

"That dress color makes your eyes just pop!" Naomi gushes.

I
have to admit I feel rather pretty. I
also feel that I am doing something just bordering on wrong, and it feels good.

"Naomi, this looks so cool."
I say as we walk into the event.
I have never been to Monte
Carlo but the place definitely gives off the up scale
glitz and glam casino vibe.

"I wish I could take credit but the frat boys did the set up. We just organized the end prizes and sent out
the invitations." Naomi squints her
eyes as she looks around the room.
"Come help me set up the prize table."

I
follow, happy to help. On our way to the
back tables, I notice Tyler
installing the roulette wheel. Like the
other guys he is wearing a tux, but there the similarities end. Everyone else looks like boys playing at
dressing up, but Tyler
looks chic. His short dark hair is
slicked back, and when he smiles, it's dazzling. He glances up right as we walk by. I feel a blush heat up my cheeks at being
caught staring.

"Hi Tyler,
good to see you again." I don't
stop to chat even though it appears he's willing. Naomi shoots me a scowl as I quicken my
pace. "Let's catch up later Tyler!" she calls out and Tyler gives her the thumbs up sign.

Turning to me she speaks in a hissed whisper. "Can't get a good look if you’re
traveling 100 miles an hour past it."

"Shut up, Naomi!" I
whisper back, but soften my rebuke with a smile and shake of the head.

"Flirting with boys is a favorite pastime of mine, don't knock it
till you try it." Naomi sashays
seductively in front of me as she continues walking, earning her a few
appreciative whistles that she laughs and laps up.

The
party is a success. The place is filled
to capacity and they raise well over their goal in the first two hours. I lose my $32 rather quickly, and spend the
rest of my time people watching and talking with Naomi's sorority sisters. Naomi decides to torment me by calling Tyler over to join
us. She chats him up, repeatedly
touching his arm as she speaks, or tossing her hair back and licking her
lips. I stand more like a statue. I nod politely when a response is needed, but
for the most part keep my head down and avoid direct eye contact.

When
he leaves Naomi frowns at me. "You
couldn't have been more a stick in the mud if you tried."

The
comment ruffles me. "I think you
were doing just fine on your own."

"I called him over here to talk with you silly." She huffs.

I
tilt my head and look at her pensively.
"If you like him Naomi you should go out with him."

She
pulls back from me and looks surprised.
"But you’ve had a thing for him all year."

"I think he's cute, but that is not a THING."

"He is cute." She turns
to admire his backside as he's talking with his friends.

"Then if he asks, or if you want to ask, go out with
him." I gesture.

"Seriously, Maya," she bites her lip. "I won't think about it if you truly
like him. Are you SURE you won't mind?"

Well
maybe I mind a little bit, but I’ll never do anything about it. "Seriously, Naomi," I mimic her
back. "I don't give him much
thought at all."

It's
around 9:30 when Naomi has to handle the gifts.
I consider leaving for home since I came in my own car, but I am curious
to see who will win some of the prizes.
There are some great goodie baskets, gift cards to stores and
restaurants, and $1000.00 grand prize to a Santa Barbara day spa.

On my
way to the bar to get another club soda, I spot Tyler and three guys from his
fraternity sorting out the betting chips and putting them away. I usually would have hurried past, but
something one of the boys says makes me stop dead in my tracks.

"Who is the hot blonde hanging out with Naomi?"

I
don't immediately think of myself, but hearing Naomi's name gets me to take cover
out of sight, but still be in ear shot.

Tyler answers. "Her name is Maya. I went to high school with her."

I
hold my breath hearing him speak my name.

"Dude, I hope you are tapping that.
If not, I may have to."

"No," Tyler
answers. "Believe me, no guy is
getting anywhere near that. She's a
total prude."

I can
feel all the blood draining from my face and pooling painfully around my
heart. I hate hearing him talk about me
like that.

"Maybe she just hasn't found the right guy." The earlier voice laughs.

"Maybe she’s not into guys." Another voice chimes in. "I've seen her huddled next to Naomi on
campus before."

They
all laugh, but Tyler
speaks over them. "No she's
seriously religious or crazy conservative but either way not worth the
effort!"

There's some more banter about what could be worth the effort. I back away not able to hear any more. I have to get out of here before the tears
start spilling over. I'm looking for the
nearest exit when my eyes are immediately drawn instead to the most stunning
woman I've ever seen. She looks a little
older then me, with long wavy brown hair and full pouty lips. She is at least 5' 10" and has a perfect
figure. Almost every man stops to stare
as she walks by.

It
hurts to look at her. I mean physically
hurts. She is shining so brightly I am
getting dark after images floating over my vision. I know no one else is seeing what I do. I take a long shuddering breath hoping
against hope that this is just some bizarre coincidence. The woman is not dressed for the party. She has on jeans, leather boots and a long
coat. It's obvious she has come inside
just as the event is about to end.

I
look for the closest door thinking again that I should be leaving, and just
like that, she looks right at me. I have
to blink several times to be able to see her clearly. In that time she moves from being across the
room to directly in front of me. I try
not to cry. I’m supposed to be brave.

"Hello, Maya," she speaks in a gentle musical voice.

"Oh God," I gasp starting to hyperventilate. Taking several shallow breaths I manage to
speak. "Are you here for me?"

She
looks at me with such pity and compassion it's almost my undoing. "Yes Maya, I'm afraid so."

Author's Note

My Review

Featured Review

Hola, I'll start with the good stuff. :) This story definitely captured my interest. I really want to know who Maya is and where she came from. Your voice and writing style and engaging and flow nicely. I have a couple grammar nitpicks:

I have mixed feelings about your opening paragraph. I never been a fan of just expositioning, or just giving a bunch of important background information right at the beginning, but the sentence about her life being a fairytale gave me chills. I understand why you need it, but if there's anyway you could condense it and spread it out a little more over the chapter, it would be cool.

Lastly, be careful of of thesis sentences in your fiction.. They're great in essays, but in fiction they pull people out of the story a little. "Mondays are busy" or "The party was successful" are examples. If you can find a way to say what you need to say in that paragraph without using them, then do. or if you really need a thesis sentence, trying putting it at the end.

Honestly though, it's a well-written, fresh, and intriguing story. I plan to read more when I have time. xD

Posted 5 Years Ago

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

5 Years Ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I will admit to agreeing whole hartedly with you - t.. read moreThank you so much for taking the time to read. I will admit to agreeing whole hartedly with you - this is by far my weakest chapter - I have re-written it so many times but never refreshed what is shown on this site.
Love to return the favor and review your work - tell me what you would like me to read.
cheers! Maria

Reviews

Hola, I'll start with the good stuff. :) This story definitely captured my interest. I really want to know who Maya is and where she came from. Your voice and writing style and engaging and flow nicely. I have a couple grammar nitpicks:

I have mixed feelings about your opening paragraph. I never been a fan of just expositioning, or just giving a bunch of important background information right at the beginning, but the sentence about her life being a fairytale gave me chills. I understand why you need it, but if there's anyway you could condense it and spread it out a little more over the chapter, it would be cool.

Lastly, be careful of of thesis sentences in your fiction.. They're great in essays, but in fiction they pull people out of the story a little. "Mondays are busy" or "The party was successful" are examples. If you can find a way to say what you need to say in that paragraph without using them, then do. or if you really need a thesis sentence, trying putting it at the end.

Honestly though, it's a well-written, fresh, and intriguing story. I plan to read more when I have time. xD

Posted 5 Years Ago

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

5 Years Ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I will admit to agreeing whole hartedly with you - t.. read moreThank you so much for taking the time to read. I will admit to agreeing whole hartedly with you - this is by far my weakest chapter - I have re-written it so many times but never refreshed what is shown on this site.
Love to return the favor and review your work - tell me what you would like me to read.
cheers! Maria

It's very well developed and I can tell you know your characters well. I agree that it is a little slow to get to the hook, but the last few lines really do pull you in. Maybe you could do a bit more in the exposition to develop her situation or give a few more hints to it. The dialogue is very realistic. I would also consider varying your sentence length, they could be a little choppy at times. Overall, I really liked it, and will keep reading :)

Posted 6 Years Ago

6 Years Ago

Thanks so much - I actually need to update this chapter post - I have completely re-written it- want.. read moreThanks so much - I actually need to update this chapter post - I have completely re-written it- wanted to get the action moving faster.

6 Years Ago

thanks for reminding me to put up my new chapter! Hate to work on something and leave the old stiff.. read morethanks for reminding me to put up my new chapter! Hate to work on something and leave the old stiff up for people to read!

Posted 6 Years Ago

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

Thanks for the feedback - I need to find a way to speed up the pace and yet give enough of a charact.. read moreThanks for the feedback - I need to find a way to speed up the pace and yet give enough of a character set up. hmmm.

Very intriguing, mysterious, captivating...:) Perhaps a touch slow to get to the main hook, but I understand you want time to propperly establish Maya and to create contrast with the chapter following. I think you've succeeded in making her relatable on the outset, maybe a little more development to distinguish her voice from your second narrator? :)

Posted 6 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. You are my first review on this site! I w.. read moreThank you so much for taking the time to read and review. You are my first review on this site! I would love to return the favor - is there a particular work you would like some feed back on?

6 Years Ago

Really:) the pleasure is all mine, thanks for such a great read and for your kind offer. I don't hav.. read moreReally:) the pleasure is all mine, thanks for such a great read and for your kind offer. I don't have anything completed yet, so if you could take a look at something from Chute Out or Eucumbene I would be forever in your debt.
Keep those chapters coming, let me know when you post the next one, or you can send me a new request anytime as well.
All the best.

6 Years Ago

I read and reviewed some of your work today. I love your imagery and description you have a gift!