Wednesday, October 17, 2012

With RuPaul's All Star Drag Race only days away, I've had to face some hard facts about myself and the obsessive trance each season if this show puts me in. Finally, I had to admit:

Hello, my name is Phaea and I am a Rupaul-aholic. And these are my 12 steps to Ru-covery.

1) We admitted we were powerless over watching RuPaul’s Drag Race—that our
lives had become unmanageably fabulous.

Whenever
this show is on I don’t just watch it. I LIVE IT. I watch each episode at least
twice, including Untucked. I call up my friends to discuss what happened/who we
love/who we HATE. I call the man who sells me coffee “girl”, tell my dog he
looks fierce and replace the phrases “good”, “cool”, “all right”, “great sex
honey” with WERK! I think I am a 6-foot tall glamazon who makes her Queens
boulevard a cat walk and not a tomboyish girl with a extensive collection of
sweat pants. Halleloo!

2) Came to believe that a sickening
Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I’ve
accepted the only way out is deeper in. In honor of All Stars I spent money I
don’t have to download the past seasons from so that my son and I can watch
them together as part of his education. For a two month old he seems to really like
it.

He’s
heard the word “bitch” 700 times.

3) Made a decision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care of RuPaul as we understood Her.

Obviously.

4) Made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of our inner T.

All
right, I admit it: I have never gone to a live drag show. I am too lazy and sleepy to go out at night
and I have been for years. But I really, really love drag queens. RuPaul, you
serve me what I want with out having to leave my couch/put pants on. And that’s
the t.

5) Admitted to RuPaul, to ourselves,
and to another RuPaulaholic the exact nature of our bustedness.

RuPaul.
I am not wearing make up right now. In
fact, I never do.

6) Were entirely ready to have RuPaul
remove all these defects of boogerdom.

I
promise I will wear make up next time I go out. And heels at least once in the
coming year.

7) Humbly asked Her to remove our bad
hemlines (of the mind).

On
second thought, isn’t the message REALLY to be our selves? I’ll leave being
fabulous to the professionals and stick with my sweatpants.

8) Made a list of all contestants we LIVE
FOR and pray that they all win.

Pandora
Boxx with your hilarious mugging, the lady/alien that is Nina Flowers, the
Queen with a heart of gold aka Alexis Mateo, Latrice Mother Fucking Royale…AH!
I love each and everyone of you and I have no idea where my allegiance will…I
FORGOT SHANNEL!!!

But my women’s intuition says Manila
Luzon for the win. Did you SEE her in the preview?

WHY CAN'T THEY ALL WIN?!

9) Made direct amends to contestants we
talked trash about wherever possible, except when to do so would read them or
others.

Raven.
When you first appeared in season two I didn’t get it. I thought you were mean
and cold and a little bit scary.

But you know what? I love you! Because you are
mean and cold and a little bit scary.

10) Continue to take personal
inventory. And don’t fuck it up.

I
promise I will try to respect what the judges say even though Santino Rice once
compared Pandora’s to a crack whore and Michelle Visage accused Alexis of
looking like Hip Hop by way Hannah Montana.

Girl, what?!

11) Sought through prayer and well
blended foundation to improve our conscious contact with RuPaul as we
understood Her, praying only for knowledge of Her will for us and the power
to love our selves, because IF we can’t do that how the hell can we love
someone else? Can I get an Amen?

Lemme get serious for a moment and switch to my preacher voice. This is a show that does not feature mainstream
performers. These girls are not trying to be models or America idols or top
chefs. They are drag queens! They cross dress for success and take it to the next exotic level of fabulousity. To badly quote Lydia Deetz, they are strange and usual. I myself feel strange and unusual. And I
reckon that many, if not all, Drag Race fans also feel a bit different, a bit
weird, a bit of an outsider in the mainstream society. And watching
this silly reality show shows us…hell, ME…that I am fabulous no matter what. Amen.

Category is...Stay at Home Mom Couture

12) Having had a spiritual awakening as
the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to blossoming
RuPaulaholics, and to watch and rewatch every episode of RuPaul’s All Star Drag
Race forever.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

TODAY IN CONSPIRACY THEORIES

I am a big supporter of paranoia because it makes life more interesting. Even when I'm having a great day that gentle worry at the back of my head that I could be killed by an anti-terrorist drone really keeps me on edge. That's why I find it extra important to believe every single conspiracy theory that I hear. For my edge. Thus, I present the:

Full List of Conspiracy Theories That I Believe! as of 4/22/2012

- JFK was an inside job by the FBI/LBJ/The Mob

- RFK was an inside job by LBJ (personal theory)

- Tupac faked his death and is living in Jamaica

- 9-11 was an inside job/they knew it was going to happen and just didn't really stop it, plus they blew up the buildings to make it look better

- Flight 93 was shot down by the government

- Katie Holmes was pregnant with Chris Klein's baby when she met Tom Cruise and she faked being pregnant after the baby was born too early to make the Tom Cruise timeline.

- Beyonce used a surrogate

- Trig is Bristol Palin's baby

- Nicholas Cage/John Travolta are ageless vampires

- Courtney killed Kurt

- They faked the moon landing

- Roswell was real and covered up by the government

- The government listens to all of our phone calls and checks all of our Internet access legally, oh wait that is true.

I don't believe that the rich are filling a rocket with resources and are planning to flee in the Earth before the comet hits in a few years, but I could be convinced. Very easily.

And if you are a member of the government, I am totally joking. Hahahhah comedy blog.