Compassion = The feeling one says he/she is expressing when attacking groups he/she hates, so that he/she does not have to feel guilty.

Cult = a religious organization that does not believe in Biblical literalism

Dominion Theology = The belief that Christians are commanded to bring all societies around the world under the rule of God, specifically the rule of their version of Christianity.

Evolution = A scientific theory not supported by Biblical passages

Evolutionism = A religious cult started by Charles Darwin

The Family = Unit of a heterosexual male head of household married to a female heterosexual head of household, with biological home-schooled children conceived without birth control at least nine months after marriage.

Family Values = Mother and father who vote Republican and attend a conservative Christian church regularly, and raising children who are home-schooled or receive private parochial education

Feminist = A woman who is insufficiently feminine, responsible for neglected children, teenage pregnancy, unemployed males, poor SAT scores, and the breakdown of The Family

Freedom from Religion = A nonexistent right to expect laws that do not not cater to the fundamentalist Christian belief system.

Freedom of Religion = The right to demand that a particular version of Christianity be formally honored by government institutions and incorporated into laws

Fundamentalism (Christian) = The greatest hope for the integrity of our Beloved Nation

Fundamentalism (Islamic) = The greatest threat to the integrity of our Beloved Nation

Gay and Lesbian = Term used by The Left to refer to humans who prefer to be partnered with members of the same sex in all aspects of life

Gravity = A scientific theory not supported by Biblical passages

Heterosexual = Everyone on Earth, with the exception of a few "militant radical homosexual activists"

Hollywood = The source of all evil in Western Civilization

Homosexual = Male who engages in acts of sex with other males. Preferred term over "gay" or "lesbian" because it contains the word "sexual," which appeals to the emotions of those who are squeamish about sex. It also focuses specifically on sexual activity and not the personal relationships or self-identity of said male. Usually specifically refers to males because sex between two females is often considered to be visually appealing.

Jesus Christ = A White, blond-haired man of Anglo-Saxon descent, who supposedly died on a cross to save the world from sin, and who, if he were present today, would be a well-dressed, fiercely conservative Republican who favored gun rights, tax cuts for the wealthy and who opposed social welfare and the encroachment of abortion and homosexuality into society.

Honor = Not getting caught

Intelligent Design = The attempt to reconcile the literal account of creation in the Bible with the science of evolution, usually for the purpose of appearing scientifically acceptable to be taught in public schools alongside valid science

Illegal Immigration = The flood of brown-skinned Hispanic people into the White Anglo-Saxon United States that poses a threat to the ethnic majority status of the latter

Job Creators = The wealthy

Judicial Activism = When liberal judges rule.

The Left = Movement of Liberals to promote teenage pregnancy, abortion, illiteracy, sexual addictions, homosexuality, the breakdown of The Family, and Socialism.

Liberal = Human who shows compassion, cares about social welfare, and gets news and information from sources like The Washington Post or CNN.

Libertarianism = Survival of the fittest

Limited Government = Wastefully spending billions of dollars on inefficient and cost-prohibitive defense contracts, subsidies, and tax breaks for corporations, while cutting spending and services that most humans depend on

Media = The insidious device used by The Left to promote teenage pregnancy, abortion, illiteracy, sexual addictions, homosexuality, the breakdown of The Family, and Socialism.

People = Corporations

Persecution = Suffered by a Christian or conservative if his/her position is actively opposed. Examples include investigative journalistic reporting, lawsuits filed against his/her church by the ACLU, or being yelled at by people whom he/she has harassed by fax or phone, or whom he/she has misrepresented in fundraising materials

Person = Corporation

Political Correctness = Left-wing lockstep groupthink conformism.

Pro-Family Politician = A thrice-divorced, wife-beating congressman late on child support who opposes abortion and same-sex marriage

Public Servant = Government employee who is a conservative or Republican

Real America = Described by Sarah Palin, the America that consists of heterosexual White Anglo-Saxon Protestants who go to church regularly, home-school their children, and vote Republican

Rehabilitiation = Sending a minister or priest who has been caught molesting children to a different congregation or parish

Religion = What should be taught in schools instead of godless Communist science

Simple Common Sense = Right-wing lockstep groupthink conformism

Social Engineering = Activist Agendas of liberal political opponents, as opposed to natural God-given plan

Socialism = System wherein government funds and services are used to benefit humans, as opposed to People (i.e. Corporations)

Sound Jurisprudence = When conservative judges rule.

Special Rights = Equal rights, when used in reference to Gay and Lesbian Americans

States' Rights = The rights that states have, according to the 10th Amendment to the US constitution, to pass conservative laws in opposition to liberal laws passed by the federal government. Only applies, however, unless states pass liberal laws in opposition to conservative federal laws.

Taxpayers = Corporations

Tax Relief = Giving generous tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans and the corporations they own

Traditional Values = The classic values and morals that made America great, such as lynching Blacks, beating up gays, and keeping women barefoot and pregnant and in servitude

Tea Party Movement = Loose organization of angry middle-aged White males who don't think the country is ready for a Black president

War on Terror = The Bush-era use of the events of 9/11 to gain public support for initiatives to invade the Middle East for the purpose of controlling natural resources and enhancing the profits of corporations tied to the Bush and Cheney families

Welfare Bum = Any person on the government dole, unless said "person" is a corporation receiving tax write-offs, a rancher or farmer receiving subsidies, or a defense contractor

Will of the People = When the public votes in favor of conservative intiatives. Acceptable method of denying constitutional rights to minorities. This term is not used when said conservative initiatives are rejected by the public

Wise use of Limited Natural Resources = Use of forests, oil, minerals, and other non-renewable natural materials before the Rapture

Youthful Indiscretion = A crime or moral failing committed by a Republican