844 days, 20,256 hours, 1,215,360 minutes, or 72,921,600 seconds. That is the approximate duration of my world tour. I never wanted it to end and now, in a manner of speaking, I suppose it never has to. If you wish to go by country do so by clicking on one above. They are numbered in the order I visited them, more or less. If you enjoy reading about it even a tenth as much as I enjoyed living it then you will not have wasted your time. Grab a refreshing beverage, settle in a comfortable chair, and make a journey across the world, experiencing it as I did. Then get off your ass and check it out for yourself. You're not getting any younger.

Strolling Baku & The Hash House Harriers (Baku, Azerbaijan)

April
19th,
2010- Discount airlines, catch the fever. I purchased a ticket on
Fly Dubai for $85 one way to Baku, Azerbaijan.
I neglected to prepay for my checked bag online. I erroneously
believed this to be of little consequence and was summarily punished
for my insolence. When I arrived at the counter I was slapped with a
$50 excess baggage fee (more than double the online fee). It was
listed in the fine print on my e-ticket but as I have never
experienced such a phenomenon I failed to notice the warning. Stupid.

My
second 'kick in the junk' came after my arrival at the airport in
Baku. Price of a one month visa? $131. Muchas gracias. I found it a
rather amazing coincidence that this was the exact price of my visa
in Bangladesh. $131? Why not $131.43 if you really want to be a-holes
about it? Well, as it turns out this is actually a reciprocal 'Go F
Yourself' aimed at the United States because that is the price the US
charges nationals from Azerbaijan, Bangladesh, and a host of other
countries. Azerbaijan claims to be attempting to woo foreign tourists
in an effort to expand tourism. I'm no marketing manager but I am
fairly sure charging an inflated price for a visa is not the way to
go. Then again, who the hell am I, really?

Although
Baku is no Dubai it still is a rather modern city with all the
accouterments of any industrialized society. This is due in no small
part to the Caspian
Sea with all of its oil and gas reserves. Hotels are not
cheap and it is difficult to find anything decent under $60.
Couchsurfing to the rescue. I connected with a former Peace Corps
volunteer by the name of Kyle living and working in Baku that was
kind enough to offer me a place to stay for a while. As he has lived
here for over three years he is a wealth of information about the
country and its people. As a fluent Azeri speaker he has had the
opportunity to connect with the local population in ways few visitors
could ever dream of. Very cool.

Although
I am far from blending I feel a little less conspicuous in Baku than
elsewhere. Unfortunately, not many people speak English and are much
more likely to speak Russian or Farsi (besides Azeri that is). So far
grunting and pointing has sufficed, at least when I am wandering the
streets alone. Otherwise Kyle does the rest.

For
the most part folks you meet on the street sport a very stoic and
taciturn exterior. Usually, this melts away once you engage. And what
is a constant source of amusement for me is the resemblance that
99.9% of the men in this city have with the mafia. Almost all either
look like a low level henchmen or a crime boss. Every time I meander
past a group of men (taxi drivers, pedestrians, restaurant workers,
etc.) if feels a little like they been hired to kill me and are
merely waiting for the right moment to spring. I absolutely love it
but it can be difficult to stifle laughter at times.

'Popcorn'
Prechencko. Uses this cart as a cover for the distribution of
illegally smuggled sweet corn from the US and Canada

The
Borscht Brothers - Have a complete monopoly on the Azerbaijani beet
market

Jimmy
'The Head' Dimitri - Infamous for his exceptionally hard noggin and
his various methods for inflicting pain with his forehead

After
I snapped these pics I learned that it is illegal to take photos of
anyone without their permission. Apparently, some journalists took a
few shots of government officials sleeping on the job. Their response
was to pass an absurd regulation forbidding such scandalous behavior
(the taking of photos, not sleeping). This basically means that any
photo with people it has the potential to send you to jail. Can you
say over broad?

I
walked into mobile phone center to purchase a SIM card for my phone.
Upon entering the man working there yells, 'Barack Obama!' I
thought Damn, there goes my cover. While waiting for the
necessary paperwork this gentleman begins exposing the evils of
America (in a very cordial manner) in regards to the nuclear issue.
His broken English was impeccable and included a barrage of
nouns. America have nuclear bomb, Russia, yes. France, yes.
Iran, no bomb. At this point he begins a diatribe in Azeri
which I interpreted as 'Iran has no nuclear bomb only wants to use
for power so why doesn't America just leave them alone and f***
off!!'And if they do have nuclear bomb, so what? You
have one. France has on. Russia has one'.

Believe
it or not this was all said in a friendly tone but my ability to
control my laugh reflex was deteriorating exponentially by the
moment. Luckily, the young woman filling out the phone paperwork
began laughing so I was able to let loose a bit. It did not stop
there. Iran good people. Not bad people. Why America kill
good Muslims? America no like Islam. No kill good Muslims. Osama bin
Laden not Muslim. Throughout his speech I would interject
with, No, Iran people very nice. I wish to visit Iran or yes,
sometimes America baaaaad or Sadaam also bad Muslim,
right? I was still laughing about that for an hour
afterward.

While
passing a small Turkish restaurant the gentleman working the street
window and selling shaved meat off a skewer requested a photo of him
in action. I graciously obliged. His coworker wanted in on this so he
grabbed a large knife and posed for a shot. And not to be outdone a
random guy on the street got down on the ground and stood on his
shoulders while kicking his feet in the air in an effort to get my
attention. I thought he might request money but only rose from the
ground and moved along. Awesome.

I went
into a café around 9 am one morning. Kyle was on his way to work but
came inside to inquire on my behalf. We were initially told the place
was closed (my theory is that they forgot to lock the door) but a
second gentleman emerged from the interior to assure us that it was
open. Kyle went to work while I sat down for a cup of tea. There was
no one else in there and all was silent…unless you count the sound
of porn emanating from a television in the back. While I surfed the
internet I was treated to a soundtrack of ecstasy. It went well with
the tea. At about 10:30 am I was told they were closing. Closing at
10:30 am? Okay.

I've
discovered that finding a hotel is much more difficult when it has
been demolished. Funny how that works. It is safe to say that just
about all of Baku (and Azerbaijan for that matter) is under
construction. They are in the process of tearing down all the old
Soviet style buildings and replacing them with more classical styles.
This is a bit of a shame as some of these structures have real
character.

So
for the past few days I have simply been wandering the streets of
Baku and snapping random photos here and there. The Old
City is particularly picturesque with its ancient wall and
structures, to include what is known as the Maiden
Tower. There is also the promenade along the Caspian Sea which
makes for a pleasant stroll. It is nice to visit a Europeanesque city
that lacks chaotic traffic (it is all relative of course), intense
pollution, and, for the most part, exceedingly narrow streets and
sidewalks. Quite a contrast to some of the places I've been on this
trip.

White
Trash? Nouveau Riche? Potato, Potatoe. Yes, that is a Mercedes with a
camper attached to the rear.

To
the Douchbagmobile!!!!!

Ever
heard of the Hash
House Harriers? It is a social club that affectionately describe
itself as 'drinkers with a running problem'. There are chapters all
over the world and they frequently meet on Sundays for a
noncompetitive run followed with an alcoholic reward. From what I've
read it began as a way to purify oneself after a weekend of
debauchery (the original runs were held on Monday evenings).
Periodically, as was the case this weekend, they get together for an
extended weekend outside of the city (on this occasion it was in the
northern town of Nabran).
As they had an extra spot open up I was invited to tag along with
Baku Hashers. The drinking begins as soon as you get on the bus and
doesn't cease until the bus returns to Baku. The run mimics the
traditional British Paper Chase (Hares and Hounds). The 'hares' are
responsible for setting a semi-ambiguous trail somewhere in the
countryside while the 'hounds' have to attempt to follow the trail,
usually marked with spots of flour.

It
was an interesting way to experience the forest in the north of
Azerbaijan and was quite fun. The first run was on the grounds of
some sort of bizarre vacation resort with a kitschy medieval theme. I
believe we had permission to be there but the police did show up to
see what the hell a bunch of yahoos were doing running through the
forests adjacent to a nearby village. From what we could tell someone
must have called them to investigate what we were up to. The whole
experience was rather 'soviet' for lack of a better word. They spoke
with our bus driver and then made their way to our group. I am sure
the sight of a bunch of folks dressed in running attire and sipping
beer is not something they see every day. They definitely looked the
part with their wool hats (known as a papakhi)
and grave expressions. One of them got on the phone to call back to
the station to report and seek further instructions. After ten
minutes he received a call back apparently giving them the green
light to leave. They kindly shook everyone's hand, got back in their
patrol vehicle, and departed. All that and no bribe request (not an
uncommon occurrence). Super.

In
order to be a true 'Hasher', as they are called, you must be
anointed, given a nickname, and initiated with copious amounts of
flour. Some of the more colorful names include Teletubby, Dominatrix,
Screams and Creams, Rubberduck, Sticky Sex, Sticky Balls,
Hashvestite, Ginger Wolf Pecker, Table Dancing Queen, and Social Sex.
It does not take a detective to appreciate the theme. This was one of
those rare occasions where I had little fear of offending anyone. 'No
holds barred' would be an appropriate phrase with this group.

At the
end of the second run I was fortunate enough to be inducted into
their ranks. This was quite an honor as it usually requires ten runs
before one is anointed and bequeathed a name. From this time forward
I will be known to Hashers everywhere as Doggy Dick. Who knows, when
I return home I may make it legal. It does have a nice ring to it.

1 comment:

Mate! it's been ages since Kathmandu......still in Istanbul after a few days snowboarding in the Bolu mountains. Made it to Sofia (what a wierd place!) but i have to say, Baku's seaside looks like a carbon copy of Tyre in Southern Lebanon!

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