Best Of Chicago

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

The Moon doesn’t usually make it to the Pride Parade, but he supports it. (credit: B96 Chicago)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

The Moon doesn’t usually make it to the Pride Parade, but he supports it. (credit: B96 Chicago)

Taurus

Taurus, did you know the constellations are heavily involved in the gay marriage debate?

Which side do the stars fall on?

Well, on one hand, many astrologers already have a hard enough time predicting futures for straight couples – so why would they want to increase their workload and add gay couples to the mix?

On the other hand, the stars don’t care if gay couples get married. Nor does the Moon, or Venus, or any other planet in the sky. In fact, the Moon feels it’s a monumental waste of time to oppose gay marriage, and doesn’t quite understand why the country of the “free” can’t just, you know, ALLOW EVERYONE THE SAME RIGHTS, YA JERK.

So there. That’s your horoscope, Taurus. While the Moon doesn’t care about your love life one bit, s/he fully supports your right to marry someone of the same sex.

Just don’t invite him/her to the wedding. S/he’s a wicked drunk, and can’t be trusted around your bridesmaids or groomsmen.

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