FML's Weekly Horoscope - 1st of September 2019

Find out what embarrassing stuff the dumbass stars and planets have in store for you this week!

The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life? Stop having kids. Anyway, lets get on with it.

Aries

Uranus says that you will come to terms with something you never knew you wanted, and it will make you think twice before taking a risk with a receipe or distant cousin. Consider what to do while taking a shower. Think about your failed relationships, and light a candle. You will feel OK-ish, but that's better than most people. On Friday, someone will try to get you high to ask you for money. Don't drink anything stronger than water. Look out for people born in March, they are out to get you this week. Consider getting a pet, especially a bunch of black cats, because cats are awesome and badass.

Taurus

Accept your fate that you will always come out last, as long as you keep trying and follow the wisdom of Sylvester Stallone in "Rambo III", in that surrounding them isn't an option. You may want a new friend to offer suggestions that you can't follow, due to your innate fear, or just a friend, at least one in your life. You don't want to be like that forever alone meme from 2009. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them at the weekend. Stop listening to alt-right YouTubers, you know it leads to school shootings. Listen to Mercury, either the planet or Freddie.

Gemini

Before you can find answers for yourself, maybe you should do something for someone you don't know. Then you can find what you need. Stop watching bad TV shows, especially ones with canned laugh tracks. It's 2019 for Uranus's sake, why are they still doing this to us? Friday will bring you what seems like a promise of love, but it's just Mars, the God of war, being a total dingdong, giving you an empty feeling every time you walk into a 7/11. Ignore all signs of a promotion, you are not getting anything for a while. Eat more bananas, they are full of potassium and magic.

Cancer

If you're trying to balance what you want against what people in your life want you to want, then consider it a situation where life has given you lemons. What do we do when life hands us lemons? We say fuck the lemons, and go for a gin and tonic. Figure shit out and do the right thing. Remember that not every fork in the road has a knife to go with it, so eating on Wednesday may prove tricky if you go to eat with a relative. Maybe Tuesday has always been the day you were waiting for to finally take action in your life. Try not to screw it up this time. Eat more greens.

Leo

If you're thinking about investing in real estate, then join the club. But don't get your hopes up, the banks hate people like you, and the market is terrible thanks to Boomers and their greed. Don't do anything you'll regret for the rest of your life on Tuesday, like shooting a homeless person for fun or buying a stupid hat. Buy some Lego, make a spaceship and dream of a world in which your body odor is barely perceptible to people in public transportation. Listen to the Moon on Friday, if that makes sense. The Moon is always a great companion, as is the Chapo Trap House podcast.

Virgo

Be aware that your Jupiter is waning, which means that you should keep a lookout for Gemini men or women, as they might be someone to find comfort in, but not in a sexual sense because you are heading for a week of utter repulsion, whether or not that seems to make sense. If you doubt yourself, perhaps you doubt the universe. Speaking of the universe, avoid feeding stray animals in the street this week, as they will follow you home, and before you know it, you will have 15 llamas in your bathroom. Stay at home and feed your addiction to cakes, cheese and Seinfeld episodes.

Libra

During the week, your Saturn is increasing, which means that you should keep in mind people who also Libra, who are good people when they really feel like it, but they may not be nice to you this week. And if you're going to wear that outfit on Saturday night, why not go a little further? Try to add a little pizzaz and sparkle to your life, but don't try unusual drugs. Or even caffeine. You won't be able to handle it, and you'll start a fight in a pub car park. Don't be afraid to look out for your reflection in mirrors and CCTV. It'll remind you to call your ex, or your lawyer. The trial is coming up, or will be after an incident on Wednesday. Don't be a dick to people, it won't end well.

Scorpio

Before you know it, you will uncover something from your past. It will help you to understand that you never knew you deserved a better life or maybe a grade that you were surprised by. Someone will try to get you help them move appartments on Sunday, and it will make you consider being more compassionate to those less ugly than you. Not that it will help, because saying no and being a dick is your usual modus operandi. Remember that Saturday is your opportunity to be the nice person you've always wanted to be, and no one can take it away from you. Not even your ex, who will call you about that thing you broke the last time you saw them.

Sagittarius

Be aware that your Saturn is waning like a little bitch, which means that you should keep a lookout for Libra men or women, as they might be trying to mess with you. You are heading for a week of total bullshit. If you doubt yourself, perhaps you doubt Rachel Maddow. If you are feeling the big sad on Thursday, try going outside while listening to "Ain't Talkin' Bout Love" by Van Halen on repeat. Have a "me" day. Stand in the sun and feel your face taking in the Vitamin D, or whatever it is. Call someone you haven't talked to since high school and call them a little shit, then hang up. Watch season 3 of 13 Reasons Why and think, "God, at least I don't suck this much."

Capricorn

If you feel you have time to spare, then maybe watch something on Netflix that isn't normally your thing. Like documentaries on serial killers, and learn to recognize them in your apartment building or family home. Things will become rainy in your heart on Wednesday, Saturn is toying with your brain waves and making you want to overindulge in fatty foods. The good news is that your mindset is perfect for selection the right Pringle flavor. Listen to "Fight The Power" by Public Enemy once a day, all week, until I tell you to stop. Once pumped up, go fight the power. You have the power. Mars is in you. Drink more water, it's good for your penises and your lady parts.

Aquarius

The stars say that your Saturn is encroaching, which means that you should watch out for potholes while driving, especially on Sunday. You will get an offer to host a party for someone's children. Say no. Bail on that shit. Remember that you hate kids, and that they will probably ruin your furniture and stereo by playing Baby Shark over and over again. Are you wondering about contacting someone from your past? Now will become the time you decide and they will leave your message on "Read" like the utter cunt that they are. Buy some apples and throw them at a cop. Then apologize.

Pisces

Your Uranus is rising, which means that you should think about making a move, going to an organic food shop, or writing a play based on William Shatner's life. People from the Virgo sign will be as likely as not to look out for you, whether or not you want them to. You may even find this annoying, so feel free to tell them to fuck off because Uranus told them to. If you doubt your talent, perhaps you will fall into a coma. Seek out something beautiful and keep it for yourself, like someone else's money or watch. Drink more water, but try not to drown this time. Try to dance every time you hear a happy song, so stop listening to Joy Division, you moping twit.

That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.

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