Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! Water Sharks, Land Sharks, Sharks!

Sharks! You can’t turn on the news in Los Angeles these days without getting an update on the ever-increasing amount of Great White Sharks that have been spotted off the Southern California Coast. The last article I saw claimed that over 25 Great White Sharks have been spotted lurking damn close to our sandy shores. Yet, even with the Shark warnings, there are still surfers, boogie boarders and swimmers getting into the ocean. Maybe they have never seen JAWS?

Seriously, the JAWS ride at Universal Studios Hollywood frightens me even though I KNOW that the manufactured mechanical teeth are never going to bite me. I never want to be attacked by a shark, so trust me; you couldn’t get me in the Pacific Ocean right now even if you paid me. I like my limbs attached to my body! I saw ‘Soul Surfer’! I have no desire to go ‘into the water’! I can actually hear the ‘duhda duhda duhda duhda’ warning music from the JAWS movieat the mere thought of dipping my toes into the ocean right now. So, for this Canadian prairie girl, avoiding water sharks is the obvious and only choice for this chick.

However, in Los Angeles, we not only have to contend with the infestation of limb-eating Great White Sharks in our Ocean, we also have to deal with an ever-increasing amount of sharks on land. I am not talking about the fake Sharknado movie sharks that somehow amuse and entertain some film fans (for reasons beyond my apparent comprehension). In LA, there are actual LAND SHARKS who need to be avoided, as they can be just as dangerous in their own sneaky little ways.

Who are these LAND SHARKS and how do we avoid them?

Obviously, the CHEATER SHARKS known as MEN. You know, the married guys who take off their rings when their wives are not around. Or the guys in relationships who think ‘whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’? Yep, those sharks. The ones whose pearly white grins and big personalities mask their married or committed selves. Trying to avoid sneaky CHEATER SHARKS can be a challenge anywhere, especially is a city as large as Los Angeles. Seriously, a girl has to always be on the look-out for these lying creeps: check for wedding band tan lines, ask them point blank questions as to their ‘Facebook status’, stalk their social media sites for clues; basically women need put on their ‘Nancy Drew Detective Hats’ and dig, dig, dig. The last thing you want is this kind of a guy, because if he cheats on her… he WILL cheat on you.

So, if women need to look out for the CHEATER SHARKS, men need to try to avoid the SKANKY SHARKS. We have a preponderance of girls in LA who will do anything to avoid working, or whose ‘careers’ as an actress or model make them perfect candidates to be kept on some guy’s payroll. These are the girls on the ‘Sugar Daddy’ sites, who are basically looking to trade sex for money. So guys… if you meet a cute girl, and she doesn’t have a real job, and you can’t figure out how she manages to pay her rent teaching yoga twice a week, or teaching a spin class 3 times a week, chances are someone else is taking care of her bills. And if you don’t want to end up supporting her, just know that you are ‘sharing’ her with someone else. EW! Swim the other direction when you realize that a SKANKY SHARK is trying to sink her skanky teeth into you!

When the lifestyle in the Beverly Hills Bubble is costly and often superficial, you have to avoid the LYING SHARKS. LYING SHARKS often fabricate their existence to make themselves sound more important or wealthier than they really are. What do I mean? Here are some examples: guys who drive expensive cars but live in small apartments; assistants who pretend to be producers; basically, people who overstate who they are or what they do are… LYING SHARKS. I mean, if you can’t be honest about what you do, or where you live, or be proud of who you are and what you are doing, and if you feel the need to lie or exaggerate your existence, then you are insecure. So in LA, you need to really suss people out, as liars are dangerous to be around since you never know what they will say or do to protect their lies. You need take time to vet your friends, your lovers and anyone you let into the precious inner circle of your life. Insecurity breeds jealousy and we need supportive people not, insecure ones.

In a city as big as Los Angeles, having a car is a necessity. However, finding a parking spot is often a luxury. So drivers in LA need to be on the lookout for PARKING SHARKS. What are PARKING SHARKS? They are the drivers who, when in a crowded parking garage, snake your spot. You know, you are sitting in your car with the your blinkers on patiently waiting for a car to pull out so you can pull into the only ‘about-to-be-vacant’ spot in the lot, when some PARKING SHARK coming from a different direction pulls into the spot as the other car is backing out. PARKING SHARKS have no manners, and they might give you that ‘oh I didn’t realize you were going to pull in look’ as you honk your horn and flail your arms out the window screaming ‘that’s my spot, I have been waiting for it, can’t you see my blinkers are on?’ Unfortunately there is nothing you can do when a PARKING SHARK steals your spot. Nothing. It just sucks. SUCKS!

And lastly, speaking of cars, you need to avoid the UNINSURED SHARKS. You know, the people who drive without insurance, usually in beaten up old cars. Because, if you get in an accident with an UNINSURED SHARK, then you have to pay for all the damage to your car, and worse, if the UNINSURED SHARK somehow manages to make you the ‘at fault’ driver, then you get to pay for their car repair plus all of their medical bills from their injuries, real or imagined. Yep, it sucks. So, if you see someone weaving all over the road, and their car is rusted out, turn your car around and drive the other way… seriously.

Anyway, ‘nuff said’…

There are pitfalls everywhere in life, and there are sharks in all aspects of our lives, we just need to keep our eyes open, and remember… when something doesn’t smell right, it usually isn’t right. Use your intuition, but keep your heart open, as even though life may let many sharks swim in your direction, you always need to have an open heart and give life a chance. Just be wise to the sharks – and remember, some sharks may come to you in sheep’s clothing!

And seriously… stay out of the Pacific Ocean for the foreseeable future!