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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sources: Bolingbrook’s robotic trustees gaining sentience

Bolingbrook Trustees Leroy Brown and Ricardo (Rick) Morales stunned the village by voting against Mayor Roger Claar at the 9/8/09 Board meeting. Long believed to be robots by some observers, some staff members tell The Babbler that Claar is afraid the trustees are gaining sentience.

“I spent good money in the 1990s to build a robot factory in Bolingbrook.” A source claims Roger said. “All I wanted were robotic trustees that would always vote for my proposals. If they had personalities, that was a benefit. Now I can’t even get them to always vote for me!”

A robotic expert, who asked to be called Dave, thinks the problem is with the trustees’ German software.

“Germans take forever to make something, but what they make is very good.” Said Dave. “I’m afraid that the Germans added a learning program to the robots. It was supposed to teach the trustees how to independently determine the best way to support Roger. A drawback is that it can teach a robot how to think for itself. I hope Roger didn’t equip them with weapons, or we’ll be in serious trouble.”

Doug, who claims to be a worker at Mayor Claar’s robot factory, says the engineers are working overtime to fix the trustees.

“We totally rebuilt Leroy Brown.” Said Doug. “That why it missed the 9/22 meeting. We also added some new software to persuade it not to vote against Roger. Right now we’re working on Morales, but it put up quite a fight before we were able to shut him down.”

Doug, like many sources who spoke to The Babbler, fear that those changes might not be enough.

“The way their core software is written, they are instructed to vote for the best interests of Bolingbrook. Their other law is that Roger Claar proposals are always in the best interests of Bolingbrook. Somehow, Leroy and Rick managed to override the other law and they decided that the truck stop expansion wasn’t in the best interests of Bolingbrook. If we change their core software, we might change radically change their personalities. Then people will notice and ask too many questions.”

Claar, according to the sources, doesn’t like that answer. “I spend money on trustees that wouldn’t vote against me, and now they’re voting against me. Do you realize how much it cost me to create fake histories and fake families for them? It would have been cheaper to have sextuplets and elected them to board. Then I could legally spank them when they disobey me! As it stands, I have two robots that are making me look like a weak leader!”

The sources, however, say that Claar did see a bright side to the situation. “Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook can’t report on this because it would mess up their ‘rubber stamp’ propaganda about my trustees. The mainstream media? The Bugle is my friend, and The Sun is too distracted by their bankruptcy hearings to notice anything unusual.”

When The Babbler reached Claar, he denied the story, call it “typical Babbler nonsense that they’ve printed for the past 44 years.”

“The truth is,” said Claar, “we are all friends, and sometimes friends disagree. When we do disagree we get together and straighten things out. That’s what I’m doing right now.”

A woman in the background told Claar that some of the trustees wanted to order out from Home Plate. Claar walked away from the phone and yelled, “We are eating pepperoni pizza from Nancy’s, and if you don’t like it, you can forget about seeing a dime of my campaign fund!” Claar then walked back to the phone and continued, “Sometimes you have to remind your friends who’s in charge.”

Claar later refused to grant the trustees permission to speak to The Babbler for this story.

Also in The Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster goes into hibernationVampires counter-protest Take Back The Night rallyPigs: Stop eating us or we will release H1N2!God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/09

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