Church groups aid divorced Catholics

Programs clear mistaken beliefs, help heal wounds

December 07, 2001|By Diana Strzalka. Special to the Tribune.

The stigma and emotional dislocation of divorce makes it tough enough for some churchgoers to remain part of their faith communities. But it can be especially difficult for Catholics, who may mistakenly think their church does not want them anymore.

Divorced Catholics may believe they are forbidden from receiving Communion. Others may fear excommunication because of their perceived failure in honoring their marriage sacrament. And they may misunderstand the rules about annulment.

A church-sponsored support group is one way for divorced Catholics to clear up the misconceptions as well as get the comfort they need, said Chris Unger, a family law attorney who leads the Divorce and Beyond program at St. MaryImmaculate Church in Plainfield.

Divorce and Beyond was organized through the Hurting and Healing Ministry of the Joliet Catholic Diocese and now attracts people from as far as the north suburbs and Indiana.

"I think that the main impetus of the group is to convey to divorced Catholics that they are still welcome in the church," said Unger, 41, whose 10-year marriage broke up in 1995.

A person's status as a Catholic doesn't change with divorce, said Rev. Patrick Lagges, judicial vicar for the archdiocese of Chicago. The church continues to stress the need for married couples to honor the sacrament, Lagges said, but recognizes that sometimes it is impossible.

"Church law says if either of the spouses causes serious danger of spirit or body to the other spouse or children or otherwise renders common life too hard, that spouse gives the other legitimate cause for separating," Lagges said. "The church says that divorce can sometimes be tolerated if it's the only way that the rights of the spouses and the children can be protected."

In a living-room setting at the youth center at St. Mary, Unger meets each week with about a dozen people who are trying to heal the wounds of divorce. They range from age 25 to 75, and not all are Catholic.

Some had been married only two or three years, the peak time for divorce. But others are recovering from the end of 30-year partnerships.

Participants settle in with coffee and snacks while they take turns updating each other on the status of court proceedings, the mishaps of shared custody or a bout of anger.

Group discussion, based on a workbook, comes from the perspective of faith and is not specifically Catholic. Topics include self-esteem, anger, guilt, forgiveness and loneliness.

Members said they find solace in knowing others are moving through the same phases in life. "I draw my strength from my family and this group, which is spiritually based," said Terri Shepherd, 39, who was divorced in July after 15 years of marriage. "We're there for each other."

Shepherd added: "I was surprised to find out how welcome divorced people were within the church. Thirty years ago, it wasn't so."

Until the 1970s, excommunication was the penalty for divorced Catholics who remarried without getting their first marriage annulled. During this period, the church also held Separation Courts, where couples were to go for the church's permission before heading to civil court for a divorce.

"Things were a lot more controlled at that time," Lagges said. "A lot of people remember that excommunication."

Today, divorced Catholics who remarry without an annulment are prohibited from receiving Communion during mass, but they are not excommunicated, he said.

"There's a lot of misunderstanding out there about what the church teaches on marriage, divorce and remarriages. We try to get the word out, but some of this stuff dies hard," he said.

In the mid-1970s, the Catholic Church created a divorce support ministry called Phoenix, after the mythological bird that rose from the ashes. At its peak in the Chicago area, there were about 120 groups and a 24-hour crisis line to provide support.

But as secular divorce support groups began to spring upin hospitals, township halls and park districts, the church-related programs seemed to fade out.

Of the Joliet diocese's 130 parishes, eight churches offer divorce support programs. About 40 of 378 parishes in the Chicago archdiocese offer programs.

Unger said the need for such groups is real--in the Catholic Church and any other church.