Shaken, the lady offered some money to cover the man’s repairs in hope for a reconciliation.

The man took the money and left the lady, while still throwing curses and shoutings.

The lady got back into her care and drove back home safe, though a few shades whiter and a couple (heart)beat faster.

—

The middle-aged lady was my mother. The reconciliation process went longer than the above case report I was able to put into words, but matters were settled and no injury and/or further ordeals were borne. I asked her in the evening, after everything was resolved, whether she was still in shock– to which, she answered, “No, because it has passed.”

—

I looked back and noticed, that often, what happens is that we tend to linger on things that are, quite frankly, no longer there. We linger, we ruminate, we obsess, over and on the pain of something that has way passed– sometimes for days, weeks, or even months on end. Perhaps it is because we think by unconsciously holding ourselves accountable for something that has way passed its expiration date would release us from the grips of whatever it is we are trying to break free from– be it guilt, hurt, brokenness. But truth to be told, no wronger lie has ever been told.

From my mother’s story today, I learned a very important lesson. You see, the thing is, we tend to make life appear so complicated when, in fact, it isn’t some rocket science after all. The formula to life is in fact, though discreetly, very simple.

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Life is composed of our past, present, and future. What usually happens is that we tend to mix and merge our past, present, and future like they are this one wholeness in which they are not. We tend to let what happened to us in the past carry through as though they are our present; and we tend to let our projections and assumptions of the future backdate as though they are our present.

Our future and our past are not our present.

Nor is our future is our past, or vice versa.

All three times have their own separate timelines.

And contrary to popular beliefs, we are not stuck living in all three.

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Our lives are not about our past, nor is it, arguably, about our future. Laws of physics might deny this, but whatever we are living is our present– whatever is happening right here, in the now. That’s what I usually refer to as reality.

The clock is showing that it is 11:53 PM.

The air conditioner has a whizzing sound.

The air from the air conditioner feels cold as it touches my skin.

I suddenly have an urge to start singing something from Michael Buble’s Christmas album.

I am contemplating whether to sleep or to read after I publish this post.

Those are just a glimpse of my present. And right in this now, in this moment, nothing else matters because they simply do not exist.

—

The truth is, life is as easy as taking it easy; one by one, bird by bird. You see, when there is a problem, you tackle it. When it is done, you move on. So, it’s: problem, tackle, move on. Problem, tackle, move on. On repeat, all day long.

And then comes the leftover residues. I, out of all people, understand the inconvenience of these leftover residues. Nuisances as they are, but the major error lies in us either trying to dismiss them, or ruminate and obsess too long in them. When these leftover residues emerge, which they will, in the most agonising way, you embrace it. When you’ve embraced it, you feel them. Once you’ve felt them, you move on. So, it’s: embrace, feel, move on. Embrace, feel, move on. On repeat, all day long.

No, really, that’s it. One by one, bird by bird.

—

Our present is way too precious to be rid off of the peace it deserves just because we, by mistake, intertwine it with things that in fact do not exist. Every time has its own timeline, as will the things that will happen and fall into place.

My mantra changes from time to time and lately it has been fixated on the phrase “follow through”– and it has been my mantra in ever since.

Often we enter the unknown with the neurotic impulse that everything has to be decided; clear; fixed, and so we calculate closely, obsess carefully, and ruminate over and over about the factors and variables to make sure that everything will eventually work. It’s as if a “no” or “I don’t know” are guests who aren’t invited and/or welcome, so we do everything we can so that they won’t even be in the picture.

As of late, I’ve shifted. Almost all the decisions that I’ve made lately is based on just that– following through. I used to resist the idea or notion of deciding something or entering a commitment without knowing how it’d eventually pan out or end up. My brain would flip a hundred eighty degrees– and back again, do somersaults and backflips and all those fancy tricks and schmricks, to make sure I know where I am going. The impulse to make sure I can see the end in mind is far too great for me to compulsively ignore.

But the irony is that the more we think we are in control, the lesser we actually are;

The more I think I’ve got it all figured out, the lesser I actually do.

And funnily enough, the more I accept that I don’t have it figured out, that I don’t know the end game – the happier, and more at peace, I am.

Suddenly, the now becomes such a nice place to live in; a sole refuge that covers and comforts. Something that I failed to realise, or accept, before.

You know, life is what passes us by when we are gripping too hard in hope to selfishly attain clarity after clarity. And talking about life, it has its own funny way of doing things and working out – and more often than not, not in the way we first planned and/or expected. But it will, eventually.

As always, like always.

What if it doesn’t work out, you ask me? Well, then it doesn’t. You open a new page and start over.

What if you hearts breaks in multiple folds, you may ask again? Then you cry it out until you have no more heartbreaks left to cry about, and you start over.

What about failures, you may still stubbornly ask? Then you sulk, be angry, stay angry perhaps, kick yourself in the gut for a while… and you start over.

Been ditching the article-writing scene and resorting back to more of prose, poetry, and at times free reflections; but a recent discussion regarding communication calls for one again, and a point-by-point one at that too.

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Communication is, has been, and will always be the backbone of a steady relationship. When you lack communication, it’s a sure way of plummeting your relationship to the ground – and it usually starts with the smallest of thing and somehow winds up as webs and webs of inter-coiled and intertwining issues, major issues. (Read: Drama, major drama.)

And I’ve seen and experienced firsthand how the sturdiest relationships falter just because of a minute flaw in communication. So, if this is the world of David and Goliath, communication is surely the David to the Goliath – One stroke from the humble slingshot, and down Goliath goes.

After a brainstorming session over and/or after lots and lots of girl-talks (lots!), endless arguments with the significant other (too many!), and many reflective moments and down-times, I’ve come up with a few pointers to help you be on your way to mastering the David of any relationship.

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Use the language of your conversation partner.

Take note of the language that your conversation partner uses. Like, perhaps what are the words or jargons that s/he uses to convey an idea, or any word or expression that s/he uses repeatedly. Use that in your sentence. Remember, psychology says that the easiest way to gain trust is if by mimicking (even in micro amounts), because when we mimic someone – that sends the message that we like them. (And people generally like to be liked, so you get the idea.)

Follow their non-verbal language and/or cues.

Only 7% of communication is verbal – the remaining 93%? It’s all non-verbal. If s/he leans in, try leaning in a bit; if s/he touches her hand, try briefly touching your hand too; if s/he smiles, then don’t be the idiot who doesn’t smile back (but this one’s given, I sure think so).

Also, pay attention to their pace, intonations, inflections, deflections, basically howthey sound like. Except when they’re panicking – Do not follow their panicked pace. Trust me, you do not want to be the buffoon who worsens someone’s panic attack.

Always be on their side.

This one’s important, too important even. Do not ever, ever, ever go against the person. It is far too easy to resort to finger-pointing and name-blaming when in a heated argument, and when that happens, conversations turn to war instead of being a media to reconcile. It’s the same concept as do not fuel fire with more fire. Trust me, when you make a person feel like you guys are against each other, puppies start to die. I’m kidding, but it really does not help any situation – and that’s where and when love dies. (I guess that’s the same as puppies dying, actually. Sad, so very sad.)

Remember that to gain trust, patch bridges, and to communicate – You have to remind your conversation partner that you both are a team. You are never against that person, you are always with that person. Never against, always with. So, avoid phrases like, “This is all your fault,” “You ruin my night,” or “You’re wrong.” When the urge comes, have the control over your mouth and shut it down – Stay silent. Don’t say anything and just cool your head off.

Trust me, it’s not worth it, it’s not worth it.

Never, ever play the guilt card.

Sentences like “How could you?” and “You’re doing this to me after everything I have done for you?!” should and shall always be avoided. Like the point before, when the urge comes in a heated argument – Stay silent. Do not let it escape your mouth. It’s not worth it. Remember that to gain trust, it’s never against, it’s always with.

Listen to understand…

…Not listen to reply.

Too much of listening nowadays is done for an entirely wrong reason. Too much of listening nowadays is for the purpose to reply back, rather than to fully understand. When you listen to reply, your head is far too busy formulating your impressions and expectations, and this trap will put you in a I-am-better-than-you stance – and that’s exactly putting you against your conversation partner.

Practice listening solely to understand. Ask questions that are really for the purpose of getting to know the what, how, when, and where of the person better.

And solely listen. As you know, more often than not, people just want to be listened to.

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(Amateurish and mostly derived from enough personal observations and some discussions with a few ‘experts’ (mostly self-proclaimed; but seriously I did speak with one Certified Business Coach who has facilitated many communication seminars, she was pretty cool) – I do hope you still enjoy the short writing above and may perhaps get something out of it too!)