[Music Playing]
Jake Johnson: Happy anniversary.
Lizzy Caplan: Happy anniversary, handsome.
[Kissing Sound]
Jake Johnson: This vacation was so overdue.
Lizzy Caplan: Oh! Tell me about it. I mean, we've earned this.
Jake Johnson: You know, I really love you.
Lizzy Caplan: [Whispers] Hey. Hey. I love you, too.
[Door Creaks Open]
Kathryn Hahn: [Gasping]
Jake Johnson: Go, go, go go!
Lizzy Caplan: Okay! Okay!
Kathryn Hahn: Honey! Hey! Honey!
Rob Riggle: What? What?
Jake Johnson: N-no no, no no, no.
Rob Riggle: Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Lizzy Caplan: W-w-wait!
Rob Riggle: Who the hell are you guys?!
Lizzy Caplan: Shh! Shh!
Rob Riggle: What the hell are you doing in here?!
Lizzy Caplan: Shh!
Kathryn Hahn: Okay, okay! So, what are you trying to...
Jake Johnson: Shh! Rory. Sally. We just had sex in your bed.
Kathryn Hahn: Why? Why did you?
Rob Riggle: What the hell is going? You know what? Don't move!
Lizzy Caplan: v Jake Johnson: No! Wait! Wait!
Rob Riggle: I'm calling the cops!
Jake Johnson: [Screaming] SHUT UP!
Kathryn Hahn: [Screams] Ahh!
Jake Johnson: [Screaming] You wanna get crazy?! Let's get crazy! [Normally] Why are you on your knees?
Rob Riggle: Oh my God. Oh my God.
Jake Johnson: This isn't...
Rob Riggle: Don't shoot. Do not shoot.
Lizzy Caplan: Why do these girls always get on their knees?
Jake Johnson: I don't know!
Lizzy Caplan: Every time!
Jake Johnson: It's so stupid.
Lizzy Caplan: It's wild.
Jake Johnson: If you're on your knees I can still shoot you in the face.
Lizzy Caplan: And why is she in front of him? It's like he's not even protecting his wife.
Rob Riggle: I am totally protecting her.
Lizzy Caplan: How? From behind?
Rob Riggle: [Screaming] GET THE F**K OUT OF MY HOUSE, OKAY?!
[Everyone yelling inaudibly]
Jake Johnson: [Yelling] RELAX! We sleep on our little IKEA bed and a little futon, okay?!
Lizzy Caplan: Yeah.
Jake Johnson: So, when you guys go out of town, we like to sneak in and have sex on your bed. And you're gonna treat us like criminals?!
Rob Riggle: Oh, come on!
Jake Johnson: Why are you guys back on Tuesday? Your itinerary said you were supposed to be back on Sunday night.
Rob Riggle: How do you know that?!
Jake Johnson: 'Cause I hacked into your e-mail, you dumb s*it.
Lizzy Caplan: We didn't want to run into you.
Jake Johnson: Change your password.
Lizzy Caplan: This was not the plan.
Jake Johnson: One through nine is the dumbest password.
Kathryn Hahn: [Yelling] THAT'S YOUR PASSWORD?!
Rob Riggle: [Yelling] YES!
Kathryn Hahn: Wow.
Rob Riggle: It's called hiding in plain sight. No one would ever...
Jake Johnson: Or the dumbest.
Rob Riggle: It's. It's hard to remember all the passwords, so I keep it simple. Okay?!
Jake Johnson: Can I just. Can I say this? Your bed is awesome to have sex on.
Lizzy Caplan: Yeah.
Jake Johnson: And thank you.
Kathryn Hahn: At least somebody is. Heh.
Lizzy Caplan: What was that?
Kathryn Hahn: I said at least somebody's having sex on this bed.
Rob Riggle: Would you please shut up?
Lizzy Caplan: [Gasps]
Jake Johnson: Honey. When was the last time you guys?
Rob Riggle: It's none of your business what we do or don't do. Thank you very much!
Kathryn Hahn: Guess how many times in the last year.
Rob Riggle: They don't need to guess, honey.
Lizzy Caplan: How many times? Well...
Kathryn Hahn: Okay, last year. Let me tell you.
Lizzy Caplan: Okay. Total?! Five in a year?!
Jake Johnson: Five in a year...
Kathryn Hahn: In a year.
Rob Riggle: That's not. That's not!
Lizzy Caplan: A calendar year?
Rob Riggle: God! This has nothing to do with them. Would you please shut up?!
Jake Johnson: Question.
Lizzy Caplan: Did you guys have sex on vacation? I mean, you went to a romantic spot.
Jake Johnson: For sure. You guys, you guys had sex.
Rob Riggle: There's a lot of times we do things that aren't necessarily intercourse, but...
Jake Johnson: What does that. What does that mean?
Lizzy Caplan: Yeah?
Rob Riggle: Mutual masturbation. A lot of times, she's as tired as I am and, and, and I wake up, and, you know, our schedules are like... [Yelling] GET THE F**K OUT OF MY HOUSE, OKAY?!
Jake Johnson: Kiss each other on the mouth.
Kathryn Hahn: Never!
Rob Riggle: Never.
Jake Johnson: Touch each other sexually.
Kathryn Hahn: v Rob Riggle: NO!
Jake Johnson: Turn around and kiss.
Kathryn Hahn: That's disgusting!
Jake Johnson: I can put a gun on you and make you guys watch us have sex!
Kathryn Hahn: Yes.
Rob Riggle: No.
Jake Johnson: She's saying yeah, you're saying no.
Kathryn Hahn: I would love to.
Lizzy Caplan: This got dark. You guys are dark.
Rob Riggle: What do you mean you want to, what are you saying?
Kathryn Hahn: I would love to see someone else having sex!
Rob Riggle: Ugh!
Jake Johnson: Everybody calm down.
Lizzy Caplan: Can we wash your sheets? We feel bad, we would have washed them, you never would have known.
Jake Johnson: For what we did on those sheets, we should wash them.
Lizzy Caplan: Exactly. Usually...
Rob Riggle: Oh, God! Just go, all right?! We'll burn the sheets for all I care!
Lizzy Caplan: All right, fine. It's your robe, but I, listen, I was wondering if I could keep it.
Kathryn Hahn: I don't care. Just take it and go.
Lizzy Caplan: Well, you don't seem too happy about giving it...
Jake Johnson: She said keep it.
Lizzy Caplan: I know, but I feel like, guilty about taking it.
Rob Riggle: What is your problem? Just take the thing!
Jake Johnson: You have a thing with gifts like this.
Lizzy Caplan: I know!
Jake Johnson: You have to learn to accept them.
Lizzy Caplan: You're right. You're right. You're right. Thank you.
Jake Johnson: With that in mind big guy, can I keep your shirt and the boxers?
Rob Riggle: Fine! Just get out!
Jake Johnson: I have two pairs on, 'cause the first one was just to stop drippage. The second one, 'cause I like these.
Rob Riggle: I don't care! Just go! Please, go!
Jake Johnson: Question, and this is on the real.
Rob Riggle: [Screams]
Jake Johnson: Is it a keeper for us, or do you guys want the second half?
Rob Riggle: That's a seventy-six Rothchild you animal!
Jake Johnson: Do you guys want it?
Lizzy Caplan: We just opened it...
Rob Riggle: Get out! Take the Rothchild and go!
Lizzy Caplan: Don't take it. I don't like...we shouldn't drink and drive.
Kathryn Hahn: Take it! Just take it and go! Please! Please! Leave us alone!
Jake Johnson: We're gonna change this tone, and I want you guys to ask us to stay.
Rob Riggle: Okay. Uh, uh, uh, would you, would you please consider staying?
Jake Johnson: No, thank you.
Lizzy Caplan: Better things to do.
Jake Johnson: You guys don't seem like the kind of friends we wanna be friends with.
Lizzy Caplan: Yeah. Not interested.
Kathryn Hahn: Bye.
Jake Johnson: I'm gonna take off with this lady, and we're gonna go f**k in other peoples' beds.
Lizzy Caplan: There it is.
Kathryn Hahn: [Whispering] Just go. Please.
Rob Riggle: Get out. Please.
Kathryn Hahn: You're welcome.
Lizzy Caplan: All right. Bye, guys!
Jake Johnson: Dance! [Laughs] I'm not gonna shoot you. Idiots.
Rob Riggle: A**hole.
Kathryn Hahn: [Crying] Hold me.
Rob Riggle: No, I'm not gonna hold you. What did you tell them all...
Kathryn Hahn: Please, hold me.
Rob Riggle: I've gotta call the cops.
Kathryn Hahn: You are not getting out of here until you stick it in me!
Rob Riggle: What are you doing?! Stop! I don't wanna have sex!
[Music Playing]
Kathryn Hahn: Ugh! They stained the sheets!
Rob Riggle: Don't touch the semen. Don't touch anything.
Kathryn Hahn: I don't wanna contaminate the evidence!
[Music Playing]