Mom: Where’s your shoe?Little boy: I don’t know.Mom: Where did you lose your shoe? You can’t just lose your shoe. How can you keep walking around after you lost your shoe without noticing it? Where did you lose your shoe? You’re crazy.

Crunchy-haired woman: She used to make peanut butter and jelly with cheese… PB and J with American cheese.Tattoo guy: Ew, that is so messed up.Crunchy-haired woman: Yeah, but anyways, I really got into it with this lady at my support group today. She said somethin’ I didn’t like.Tattoo guy: What happened this time?Crunchy-haired woman: It was about the cherry issue… She was gettin’ on my case because I ate some fuckin’ cherries. I’m like, ‘What the fuck? What’s the big deal? I have a thing for cherries and so what that I can’t have just one, I have to have a whole bag?’ Fuck, I ate a fucking bag of cherries, big deal. So she was getting on me, saying I was one of those people who doesn’t try to get better…

Bimbette #1: So then I got a text from him this morning [shows friend text message]. I mean, who forgets if they have sex?Bimbette #2: Haha… There’s not even a ‘hello’ or punctuation… Just ‘Did we have sex.’Bimbette #1: I know!Bimbette #2: Well, did you?Bimbette #1: I’m not sure…

Student: So, I was wondering if I could know how I did on that presentation last week.Professor: Oh, yes, yes — you did wonderful!Student: No, I mean, like, how did I do?Professor: Wonderful. You did wonderful.Student: So… Is that my grade?Professor: Yes.Student: Great, now I have all zero’s and a ‘Wonderful.’ I wonder what that averages out to.

Skinny model girl #1: Why is that line to the bathroom so long when no one is on that other line? Is the bathroom out of order?Skinny model girl #2: Oh… Well, this bathroom has a table… So it’s easier to do coke. But if you just have to pee, use the other one.Skinny model girl #1: Oh, no, I’ll just wait, then. Thanks.