God is not registered to vote in New Hampshire

Taegan Goddard points us to this Bloomberg story, noting that no less than four of the contenders for the Republican nomination are on record as saying they were called by God to run for president.

The Almighty has reportedly called Texas Gov. Rick Perry, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann and businessman Herman Cain to run for the same office at the same time. (Bloomberg’s Francis Wilkinson drily notes that “Mitt Romney, Jon Huntsman, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich appear to have mortal political consultants.”)

Several explanations suggest themselves for how four candidates for the same office came to believe they were called by God to do so. It’s possible that at least three of them are mistaken. Or this may be evidence that those of us who are monotheists are mistaken and all four candidates really were called, just by four different Gods. Or perhaps God simply subscribes to a management theory that values fostering competition.

We learned of Perry’s divine calling in a speech by his wife, Anita Perry, in which she told an audience at North Greenville (S.C.) University that her husband’s struggles on the campaign trail were due to religious persecution:

We are being brutalized by our opponents, and our own party. So much of that is, I think they look at him, because of his faith. He is the only true conservative – well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too. But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose.

Mrs. Perry’s words came in response to David Von Schmittou, 45, who said he had lost a high-paying job during the recession and now worked odd jobs as a handyman to make ends meet.

“I’m just sympathizing. Let me tell you. Our son has resigned his job because of the federal regulations Washington has put on us,” she said. “He resigned his job two weeks ago. Because he can’t go out and campaign for his father because of SEC regulations. He’s got a wife; he’s got a job. He’s trying to start up a business. So I empathize with you.”

New “pay-to-play” rules, enacted in July of 2010, prohibit financial advisors from “providing advisory services for compensation,” directly or through investments, “for two years, if the adviser or certain of its executives or employees make a political contribution to an elected official who is in a position to influence the selection of the adviser.”

According to the Perry campaign, Griffin’s position as a Deutsche Bank advisor would have banned the bank from “certain business in the state of Texas” had he been simultaneously working for his father’s campaign.

Perry spokesman Ray Sullivan confirmed that Griffin resigned from the bank a few weeks ago “ as a result of new Obama Administration policy.”

So her son the banker isn’t actually unemployed, he just works for his father’s campaign instead of for Deutsche Bank because it’s illegal to simultaneously work for a political campaign and be a banker. And once the campaign is over he will go right back to being a banker.

Yes, that’s exactly the experience shared by all 14 million unemployed Americans.

Actually, I think it is possible that God didcall all four of those individuals to run for president. I’ve believed for some time that nothing short of divine intervention can save this nation from the GOP. So perhaps God truly did call the four most ridiculous Republicans in the nation to run for president and thereby demonstrate to the nation how deranged that party is and ensure Obama’s reelection.

Anonymous

Actually, I think it is possible that God did call all four of those individuals to run for president. I’ve believed for some time that nothing short of divine intervention can save this nation from the GOP. So perhaps God truly did call the four most ridiculous Republicans in the nation to run for president and thereby demonstrate to the nation how deranged that party is and ensure Obama’s reelection.

That sounds about right. The PTB’s can’t possibly want people that deranged to win…

ako

Several explanations suggest themselves for how four candidates for the same office came to believe they were called by God to do so. It’s possible that at least three of them are mistaken. Or this may be evidence that those of us who are monotheists are mistaken and all four candidates really were called, just by four different Gods. Or perhaps God simply subscribes to a management theory that values fostering competition.

Conceivably, you could have a divine plan where three (or all four) are meant to lose, and thereby learn valuable personal lessons of some sort. It’s much less scary than the prospect of the sort of god that would support Michele Bachmann for president being real.

gocart mozart

Yes, God may be testing us. Like Job.

Illuminati Informer

It’s much less scary than the prospect of the sort of god that would support Michele Bachmann for president being real.

I dunno. God supporting Bachmann makes perfect sense to me. In these days of antibiotics and insecticides, the old punishments of boils and locusts just don’t have the impact they used to, so He had to get creative when Smiting.

You’d think His anointing Bush would’ve been enough to get us all back to animal-sacrifice in a desperate attempt at placation, but nope, not yet…

gocart mozart

I can think of no more qualified person to usher in the Apocalypse than Michele Bachmann. So maybe it is God’s will.

Anonymous

I prefer to think instead that Bachmann, Perry, Cain and their ilk is God’s clear message that she is fucking done with us, professionally.

Rikalous

I prefer to think instead that Bachmann, Perry, Cain and their ilk is God’s clear message that she is fucking done with us, professionally.

Given humanity’s track record where divine messages are concerned, I’d expect her to spell it out directly in fiery letters in the sky in the observer’s native language, just to make sure we got it this time.

Anonymous

Then you’d have the Literalists step in. “Well, the letters were written in fire, and going east to west, so clearly this was a reference to Revelations, chapter and verse, and also the use of a comma and dash harks back to Ezekiel and Daniel, so clearly, we must begin jihad for the True Judgement to fall.”

“…But it says “Stop fighting in My Name. –YHWH.” How does that mean jihad?”

“How dare you question the Word of God? Heretic!”

Of course, they’d call it something other than jihad/crusade, but still.

Rikalous

I guess the flaming letters would have to be supplemented with lightning bolts* whenever somebody starts getting it horribly, horribly wrong. But that sounds like an awful lot of work.

*The cartoon kind, that just make your face black and maybe singe your hair and clothes.

http://willbikeforchange.wordpress.com/ storiteller

Or it could be like the end of So Long and Thanks for All the Fish: “We apologize for the inconvenience” in flaming letters. One of my favorite endings, even though I’m Christian and Douglas Adam’s was in his own words a “radical atheist.”

God works in mysterious ways. It’s like that time Jesus called Matthew the tax collector and said, “Hey, but quitteth not thou thine day job or anything.”

Thereisnorule6

I believe that 3 of the 4 additional calls by God are explained by accidental drunken butt dialing. Maybe 4 of 4.

Lori

It has been suggested that God thinks of people in much the same way we think of pets such a dogs. Maybe these 4 were called by the Michael Vick of gods. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Anonymous

If this is true, then I will take great pleasure in knowing that at least one of them is going to be hanged.

http://apocalypsereview.wordpress.com/ Invisible Neutrino

Lori:

It has been suggested that God thinks of people in much the same way we think of pets such a dogs.

That might explain why nobody gets clear signals about whether God exists; after all, to dogs, human language is incomprehensible and dogs have no way to explain to us what their barks really mean – we have to deduce it from long experience.

Similarly, would we have any way to tell God what our words really mean, and would God have any way of doing more than communicating in a manner that is utterly meaningless to us because we lack knowledge of Godly language?

(Not trolling, this just occurred to me as a possible extension of Lori’s parallel)

http://blog.trenchcoatsoft.com Ross

Interestingly, one of the things I think about God is an analogy to my relationship with my cat, but in the other direction: my relationship with God is a lot like my relationship with my cat. There are things my cat wants from me, but the best I can ever do is try to guess at them and do the best I can. And I talk to my cat, and I will make up responses from my cat, and play at carrying on conversations, and interpret her actions as indicating human emotions and thougth processes. But every word I put in the cat’s mouth and every human trait I assign to her says far more about *me* than it does about *her*. But, of course, in spite of the fact that I can never really know her will, or how she really thinks or what she really feels, or even if she does think and feel in any sort of way that translates into human terms, I’m quite sure that my cat _exists_, and that she wants something from me.

P J Evans

Also, you don’t want to know what your cat really thinks or dreams. You can get some idea when said furry looks at you as if it’s never seen you before: ‘Do I know you? Should I know you?’

http://twitter.com/shutsumon Becka Sutton

I don’t know. There are times when I can interpret what Pumpkin wants perfectly. If she’s standing by an empty food/water bowl and miaowing she wants food/water. If she’s clawing at a closed doot and miaowing she wants me to open it. If I’m fussing her and she’s pushing into my hand she’s saying “don’t stop”. If she gets up and wanders off she’s saying “that’s enough”. We may not speak each other’s language but she’s pretty good at making her immediate desires known.

That might explain why nobody gets clear signals about whether God exists; after all, to dogs, human language is incomprehensible and dogs have no way to explain to us what their barks really mean – we have to deduce it from long experience.

Or, He knows what we really mean, which is why He doesn’t say much. Silly mortals and their subconscious connotations…

Anonymous

I’m thinking it’s kind of like how the thunder god Raiden called all those mortal champions in the first Mortal Kombat. And then registered himself on top of that. Just upping the odds, you know?

P J Evans

They’re all assumjng there’s only one god who called them to run. What if they were called by four different gods?

Illuminati Informer

They’re all assumjng there’s only one god who called them to run. What if they were called by fourdifferent gods?

That theoryworks for _three_ of the gods I’m thinking of, but if any of those stiffs are sponsored by Slaanesh, I’ll eat my hat.

Rikalous

That theoryworks for _three_ of the gods I’m thinking of, but if any of those stiffs are sponsored by Slaanesh, I’ll eat my hat.

This kind of thing seems a bit subtle for Khorne. On the other hand, Papa Nurgle could easily have liked Rick Santorum’s name enough to pick him, and of course Tzeentch would pick a couple different champions.

Anonymous

Here’s what I think happened:

Coalemus called Rick Perry to run, because he would think Perry’s a good candiate. Tu Er Shen called Rick Santorum to run, just to mess with him. Lyssa called Michelle Bachmann to run, because they’re close, personal friends. And Loki called Herman Cain to run, because Loki is a jerk like that.

Anonymous

Here’s what I think happened:

Coalemus called Rick Perry to run, because he would think Perry’s a good candiate. Tu Er Shen called Rick Santorum to run, just to mess with him. Lysaa called Michelle Bachmann to run, because they’re close, personal friends. And Loki called Herman Cain to run, because Loki is a jerk like that.

Anonymous

People seldom talk about Ares’ frequent endorsement of GOP candidates.

It’s possible that it’s not four different gods but instead four different countries. Herman Cain has a lot of cheesy ideas that make absolutely no sense in real life but look good on paper… ha ha not really! He could be the Vice-President of Talossa, a nation that exists only on the Internet and was invented by a young teenage boy — who actually wrote Mr Cain’s tax plan!

Michele Bachmann is a hardcore libertarian — she would probably be a solid choice to revive the late and forgotten Libertarian free state of Minerva!

Rick Perry’s the GOP’s top holy-roller, whose list of evil deeds including trying to stop teenage girls from getting cervical cancer by giving them a vaccine and giving illegal immigrants a chance to attend college. His punishment can be exile to the Hutt River Principality as its new Secretary of Rain.

Rick Santorum’s primitive beliefs and general dopiness doesn’t seem like it belongs in government. He’s the guy who saidt that Senator John McCain didn’t know what it was like to be tortured, right? He can spend the next 4 – 8 years as the ambassador trapped on Sealand, a country that looks like a rotting oil rig bobbing the middle of the water.

Rikalous

So if God’s calling people to lead micronations, is some lefty going to be called to restart the Great Republic of Rough and Ready in four years or so?

http://profiles.google.com/marc.k.mielke Marc Mielke

Michele Bachmann for Minerva, eh? Wonder what the Tongan Marching Band is up to these days…

http://profiles.google.com/marc.k.mielke Marc Mielke

But God prefers that the chosen four settle the question in the traditional manner… MORTAL KOMBAT!

WingedBeast

God’s message to the electorate by calling these four candidates.

“Okay, guys, these are what you get when you look for my calling. I promised the Isrealites a holyland, look how that worked out. I promised Joan D’Arc that she would win the war for France, you can kinda see where that went. Listen, whenever I call people or promsie something, it doesn’t work out how I want it. So, you can either choose one of my callings, like these four jerks, or you can start thinking for yourselves.”

Or we could be looking at another messsage.

“*snrrk* I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face either. Bwahahaha! I just looked at Michelle Bachman’s husband and said straight!”

Or, it might not be a message. It might be a plan.

“After four years of one of these people in office, I’ll have everybody praying for the end of the world.”

Or, they may just be full of it and themselves.

Anonymous

“*snrrk* I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face either. Bwahahaha! I just looked at Michelle Bachman’s husband and said straight!”

Not funny. Knock it off.

WingedBeast

Knocking it off. My appologies.

http://www.aqualgidus.org/ Michael Chui

I came away from that article with a simple conclusion: God only speaks to women and black people.

http://www.ghiapet.net/ Randy Owens

*urp* I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth:

But, [Anita Perry] went on, “he was hearing from other people, too.” In the first of several biblical references, she added, “he needed to see the burning bush.”

I think burning Bush is a bit harsh. I would be satisfied with a war crimes trial.

Consumer Unit 5012

I, for one, REALLY want someone who thinks God is speaking to them to be in charge of our nuclear arsenal.

[/sarcasm]

Anonymous

Maybe all four were called by Eris?

Albanaeon

Nah. I think it might have gone something like this:

Potential GOP dip: “God should I run for president?”

God, deeply perturbed and taking a moment: “Ummm… Yeah, about that…”

GOP dip: “He said YES! Thanks God!”

God: “No, wait! Come back here! Me damnit! Why don’t you people ever listen to ALL of what I have to say?”

Anonymous

Pffff

I got sympathy for God that his name is used to justify all this stupidity.

http://mordicai.livejournal.com Mordicai

GOSH, all they want to do is embezzle campaign funds for their family members, why does the SEC gotta be on him all the time, GOSH.

http://www.ghiapet.net/ Randy Owens

Because The Man is keeping him down! Fight the Power, Griffin! Fight the Power!

Heartfout

It’s either Discord or Tzeentch.

Or both.

http://apocalypsereview.wordpress.com/ Invisible Neutrino

I think the point is that human-animal nonverbal communication is necessarily limited in what can be communicated.

http://twitter.com/shutsumon Becka Sutton

Very true. I just like talking about my cat. ;-D

Matthew Funke

What I wish would happen is that Real, True Christians in this country would see that four people are claiming to have been called by God to run for President and wake up, screaming, “We’re being manipulated! Holy crap! We’ve been manipulated for years!” But I fear that all that will happen is that all those RTCs will be in echo chambers so thickly reinforced that they can smugly assert that their particular favorite candidate was called by God, and claim that as “proof” that their candidate is the only candidate that people with “real faith” should be considering.

But I fear that all that will happen is that all those RTCs will be in echo chambers so thickly reinforced that they can smugly assert that their particular favorite candidate was called by God, and claim that as “proof” that their candidate is the only candidate that people with “real faith” should be considering.

And if their favored candidate doesn’t end up with the nomination, they will smugly assert that the candidate who DID receive the nomination was called by God, etc. They will dismiss or become angry at any claims that they had been saying otherwise right up until the nomination was locked.

Apocalypse Review

But only one person can win the nomination and the election; wouldn’t people realize the absurdity of four people trying to all claim that they are divinely ordained for the position only one can occupy?

WingedBeast

They’re Republicans. Do you think there’s a chance that they could win the nomination if they didn’t claim that God chose (or at least that they believe God chose) them for the Presidency?

The purification of a party means that you don’t get to have a relaxed attitude towards… anything. It all has to be the biggest thing ever.

Not really. I mean, let’s say God really did talk to one of them. That one candidate might be telling the truth while the other three are either lying or are hearing voices from Satan.

http://twitter.com/FearlessSon FearlessSon

Not really. I mean, let’s say God really did talk to one of them. That one candidate might be telling the truth while the other three are either lying or are hearing voices from Satan.

But if you consider that possibility, you have to acknowledge that Satan can “speak” to a person and convince them the message comes from God. And if Satan can do that, anything told to a person by “God” might just be another of Satan’s lies. And if a person cannot trust the passionate sincerity of their own faith, they cannot necessarily trust anything they hold to be true to actually be true.

Such thoughts are scary and confusing, and people react to them in one of two ways: either by rationally examining their belief system and coming to a better understanding of themselves and adjusting their view of the world accordingly, or by rejecting any such analysis outright and doubling-down in their assertions and making their voices so loud that the volume drowns out the nagging doubts in their head.

OK, get rid of the last six words of that sentence. The other people might just be liars. This will get tricky when the actual winner wants the endorsement of the lying losers, but I’m sure the press won’t remember that argument later on.

WingedBeast

I think that’s part of the point. The point is that the winner *has* to be called by God. They *want* the people who think that one of them is called by God to double down and raise their voices in order to make harder for opposition party to get any message out.

We’ve seen it before. A use made of the tendancy to shout to make it nigh impossible to say anything accurate about Healthcare Reform, about Obama’s record on guns, about Obama’s birth certificate, about the fact that the Bank Bailout wasn’t Obama but Bush, etc.

In politics, if the reality isn’t the one you want it to be, your worst enemy is accuracy.

Lori

But only one person can win the nomination and the election; wouldn’t people realize the absurdity of four people trying to all claim that they are divinely ordained for the position only one can occupy?

Not really. I don’t think I’ve ever heard any of them say that God told them they should/would have the job. What they say is that God told them to run. As previously noted, God could have reasons for telling them to run that have noting to do with winning.

http://blog.trenchcoatsoft.com Ross

“Obviously”, God is _hedging_.

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