Monday, June 3, 2013

Depending on who you believe, after numerous years of incompetence and incontinence, Nikki Finke might have finally gotten the hook from Deadline. Of course, she denies the whole thing in the non-denial denial she posted earlier today. So one of these days, we'll find out the truth. All we know for now is what she wrote on her site.

But as we've seen in the past with Reese Witherspoon, Brett Ratner and Kim Kardashian, every statement, no matter who they come from, have a first draft. And Darling Nikki is no different. Thanks to my sources, I've secured the version of this statement with tracked changes in red. Enjoy.

Right now I am not going to discuss my Deadline Hollywood contract or my relationship with my boss Jay Penske. Why? Because I forgot what the terms were. Turns out pot makes you forget things. Who knew?! Because I don’t have to. If that changes, I’ll tell you. (I also didn’t post about this imbecilic [word of the day. Nailed it!] digital ad about me which my parent company ran without my knowledge in NYC’s Times Square all week during the recent TV upfronts. See below.) The fact is I’m out of town and about to begin my long-planned summer vacation. It's just me and the cats going to Dollywood, if you must know. And the last thing I want is to be bothered now by a bunch of media and/or moguls asking for comment. Alright, the truth is the only people who've really asked are the guys who put out the Valpak. As it happens, I was napping just like when I slept through the Ben Silverman story. Wait. Maybe I shouldn't mention that in a different time zone, the Twilight Zone, when The Wrap (wait for it…play on words begins…now) crapped on me yet again Sunday night. Nothing new: the desperate, although strangely attractive, Sharon Waxman and her revolving door staff have been writing inaccurately about me for years, and doing it to drive traffic to her failing website (this feels like a run-on sentence), and refusing to correct even the most blatant errors. Last night Waxman sent a joint (Really? She's got a pot card too?) email (harshing my mellow) to my boss and myself at 6:43 PM. She waited two whole minutes. Then she posted her story about us at 6:45 PM. That’s a rotten thing to do, not to mention bad journalism and if there's one thing I know, it's how to be a bad journalist, and she knows it. And it’s yet one more reason I call her website The Crap. I just hope she doesn't remember that my last name is Finke. That said, I could pick apart her so-called “shocker” line by line, but I won’t because it's all true. I’d much rather spend my remaining pre-vacation time writing up some great scoops to post this week except for anything bad about Paramount. They're fantastic! Instead, I’ll simply correct one point from her article to illustrate what a bad reporter Waxman is [insert line about me not being fired, if that's true. Check with Penske.].

I am stating for the record or, because I'm so old, the 8-track, that there is no truth to her claim that “the most recent conflict between Penske and Finke involved an email
that Finke sent to two partners at UTA in the wake of losing a scoop,
according to an individual with knowledge of the exchange. The scoop in
question was a story in TheWrap about the talent agency seeking an
equity investor. In an email to, among others, CEO Jeremy Zimmer, Finke
threatened to “f—” the agency, according to the individual. The email
was sent to Penske.”

That email doesn’t exist. I repeat, it doesn’t exist because I deleted it from my "Sent" folder. Thus, it doesn't exist. Right?. True, I’ve occasionally lost my temper and sent nasty emails to Hollywood. I blame my Tourette's, even for my typing. And not once has Jay Penske ever complained to me about them. (He knows I’m a bitch. That’s why he bought me hook, line and sinker.) But I never sent the email described above. That came from my evil twin, Mikki Finke. She'll be revealed in the new season of "Tilda"…coming soon to YouTube. Here’s the entire email exchange between Deadline Hollywood and UTA that day. I've deleted the part where I added my grocery list…for obvious reasons. In fact, my colleague Mike Fleming (who last night penned or in modern parlance, typed and posted A Personal Note On Nikki Finke without my knowledge) was first to email UTA about the investment story. Only then did I get involved. Mike is a bit of a douche…just don't tell him I said that. He's very sensitive. Please note my use of the word “please,” I learned at the feet of Emily Post, and no use of the word “f—”. As it happens, I didn’t write the UTA story that day because I got too busy running the site (I'm learning HTML at LACC) and also knew I needed to cool down and all the ditch weed in the world wasn't gonna fix that.

Temps are the lowest life form in Hollywood. They are lower than assistants. Lower than those in the mail room. Lower than everyone. Why? Because they are completely disposable. You don't like the temp. Get a new one. (Oh and we don't get health insurance, paid vacation, 401k, etc.) I am one of those barnacles on the hull of the good ship "Hollywood." These are my stories.