Thursday, May 28, 2009

Still

Ok so coming up with a title for each blog is getting a bit challenging. Maybe I will try writing it first, then naming it.

Gary had a good evening last night. Grandma and Grandpa were over celebrating Bryanna's birthday. Gary likes it when everyone is here. Around eight is when he needs to start bed time rituals. Medicines, shower, jammies, laying in Mommies bed with Mommie. Signaled by patting the bed and motioning me over. Last nights sleep was typical. Up three or four times trying to position him. At 5:30am he really wanted to get up because he could not get comfortable. I tried putting on Barney because I just wanted to sleep. But as soon as I am up, I am up. I rarely can go back to sleep. We did yesterday though. We went back to bed at 9 and didn't get up till eleven. Mornings are starting to become a challenge. For whatever reason he was really bad this morning. He couldn't sit, or stand. The only thing he liked was on my lap. Even then he kept holding onto his neck saying owie owie. He has open sores on the back of his neck right now but the pain was triggered more by movement. I went ahead at about 7 gave him his morning dose of naproxen and Tylenol and benedryl. I find there no benefits for him to "work" thru the pain. No, I don't want to keep him drugged but he could barely stand on his own. I do recognize that he will be more emotional and more prone to say owie because I am his Mommie and we all turn it on for our Mommies. But I also see that if he can't stand up, he is not making it up. I am interested to see what his levels are right now. It seems with his symptoms that his body acts like its working over time to counter act the drugs. I am not quit sure if it works that way but in my mind that is how I see it.

I told my sister yesterday that I am trying really hard not to get depressed. She explained that maybe its not depression but more of a grieving process I need to go thru. (Side note: Gary loves being with her. He can be in the middle of a flare and her and Bill will come in and just take his mind off of it. I know that her and Bill are not where they want to be right now as far as jobs but I can't help but think that my Heavenly Father orchestrated this so they are home to be here with him. It is easier on both Gary and I. Everything is for a reason. Gary just may be part of this unemployment challenge.) I like that and I will take it. I have never been a person who gets depressed. I always used the analogy of if you believe in Jesus Christ, then you are to hand it all to Him. To be depressed is a sin. You don't believe that you are taken care of and the He has your best interests and knows your heart? I am always show when I ask myself "how can a person do that?" or be that way. This is teaching me to be careful not to judge others. Not only will you be judged, but shown why. I truly believe that. It happens to me time and time again. Besides that I never battled depression that I thought I did. I would just get pissed for no reason. Still do, drives me crazy. So maybe all this time that has been my depression. Anger. I am blessed to be loved and accepted by my family for this fun little detail about me. Don't get me wrong, I am not a complete physco. I can if you want me to be :).

Thank you to my special friends who check in with me. It is the reason you have access to this very tender personal experience. Thank you for not judging and offering loving advice daily. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of your life to bring me away, if just for a moment.

I have been doing more on the www.curejm.com site. They have pages you can set up for fundraising. Mine is coming soon. It is not easy to be on the websites because of course they highlight children and adults who perished from this disease. I know that isn't good to look at in the height of this all but I would rather know than not. I posted a link to Michael Gavin's Memorial site to the right. It is not for the faint of heart. Yes, I did cry when I read it but it also puts me in check and drives me to take just that much more care of Gary. It is very interesting learning about this disease. It is still hard to believe we joined this race but it is what it is. We are here to fight fight fight.

I put some google ads on my blog. I didn't want to but I already had an Adsense account set up so I thought might as well. That is where they flip you a dime or a nickel if someone clicks on the links from your site. NO I am not dropping hints either. Really I am not. I also put a guestbook down at the bottom, just for fun. I will also be printing this all out including the guestbook to put in his baby book.

UPDATEUpdate on Robert's mom. She did not end up having any mini strokes. It turned out to be a really bad ear infection. I am sorry for her ear infection, but PRAISE THE LORD! We were really happy to hear that. It let us let a little air out of our already over inflated inner tube. Yep, talking in clique's is always annoying. Or is that a metaphor?

Just so you don't think I am neglecting the other kids, McGuire has all star tryouts on Saturday. Elexis has been feeling a bit under the weather. Being that the stomach flu is being passed around the family, I am waiting for that to show its ugly head.

1 comment:

Hi Erica, Have you ever heard of Chonda Pierce? She's a Christian comdedian and she has a book out about her time with depression. It may be helpful. My goodness, girl, what you are going through is HARD. God loves to hear your honesty and we all want to pray for you. We love your family.

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