Which reverts to the mouth for expulsion...in what stance should we be — upright to go through the floor or bent over to explode butt-first through the wall? My, I thought we were friends... will you now tell us to clamp our mouth, nose and ears, as well, so we'll burst apart in all directions?

You are supposed to drop to ground and roll. Wait...that is in case you are on fire, isn't it? Ok, then maybe just drop to ground, bend body into a ball, and just roll (with the punches?). Unless you live in a high rise in which case you better grab your umbrella.....might help slow you down on the way down (ouch). And, if naked, when you 'land' you can use it ass 'cover' (pun intended, hehe).Chuck BNapamule

napamule wrote:You are supposed to drop to ground and roll. Wait...that is in case you are on fire, isn't it? Ok, then maybe just drop to ground, bend body into a ball, and just roll (with the punches?). Unless you live in a high rise in which case you better grab your umbrella.....might help slow you down on the way down (ouch). And, if naked, when you 'land' you can use it ass 'cover' (pun intended, hehe).Chuck BNapamule

Holy crap! Pray, tell, you don't wind up in the tumble with butt down and umbrella to the bottom with shaft upward? May slow one down longer than just the way down.

This is called the "Mary Poppins" and really works for about 20 ft or so. After that, not so well. I am almost 61 yrs old and know this for a fact....At 14, my best friend, whom we shall refer to as "Rick" and I took the umbrellas from our patios. He from his and I from mine, without asking permission and walked about 1 1/2 miles to the sand cliffs above the Oregon beaches we had lived near our entire lives. Stood looking out over the pacific ocean. Each of us downed a half of a 16 oz bottle of Pepsi Cola, clutched our umbrellas tightly, and with a muttered prayer and a loud "Geronimo", stepped off of said cliff...and began to float gently down. We looked at each other and smiled ecstatic smiles and for 20 or 25 ft, we were men...Until a gust of wind wafted up the face of the cliffs and turned our patio parasols inside out, where upon our decent went from a gentle float to a rapid flailing fall. We landed in two undignified heaps on a wet, sandy beach.

Oh we had "slipped the surly bonds of Earth, put out our hands and touched the face of God" and wafted gently for about 20 or 25 ft and then dropped for another 30 or 40 ft. It was an angry beach we landed on! But not as angry as our fathers were. We were kept in the hospital over night an this if nothing else probably saved our lives, not from wounds brought on from the fall. but from the "horse whupping" our fathers had promised us as we lay heaped up on the beach. Although, when we returned home with our moms the next day, our fathers were both busy as beavers....building wood sheds!

And with the threat of being taken out behind said wood shed hanging over our heads, we were not allowed to have any contact for 3 weeks and had to pay for new patio umbrellas... I still awake to the sound of the umbrella turning inside out, a "ssshhhaaaTUNK" and a high pitched "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee". These nightmares are shockingly real and will even wake my wife, she swears she can't hear the umbrella giving up, but is truly agitated by the "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee" sound. We are so attuned she must be able to read my mind. Although she swears the sound that wakes her is my "high pitched shriek". She is obviously in denial.