Lemme Tell You A Story…

The GF is a huge Veruca Salt fan. Eight Arms to Hold You “got [her] through high school.” So she was super-excited when she heard that not only has Veruca Salt’s original line-up gotten back together, but they have released a new album (the awesome Ghost Notes – my current fave: “Laughing in the Sugar Bowl”) and were going to be playing in LA!

On my birthday. :)

The GF was torn – she wanted to go to the show, but she was also prepared to defer to what I wanted to do on my birthday, and if that didn’t include Veruca Salt, then so be it. So, of course, I said we should go to Veruca Salt on my birthday. I wasn’t about to deprive my boo the chance to finally see one of her favorite bands in concert. Meanwhile, I love live music, no matter what it is – and they’re the band that does “Seether” right? I remember that song. Oh, and that other one that goes like…you know the one. It’s about Spider-Man?:) I wasn’t a huge Veruca Salt fan, but they were a female-fronted band from the 1990s, and I thought it’d be cool to see them live and see how their stuff holds up almost 20 years later.

We got the tickets a couple of months ago, and as I was brushing up on my Veruca Salt catalog, I realized two things:

1) Veruca Salt is awesome! Why haven’t I been listening to them all this time? and

2) I was so painfully mainstream as a kid.

I grew up during grunge. During Riot Grrrl. During a really great time in indie rock. But you’d never know it from what I listened to. I was a Top 40 girl through and through. I mean, I listened to those grunge/punk/rock songs that managed to make it onto the radio, like Nirvana, or VS’s “Seether.” The most “alternative” thing I listened to was Fiona Apple – but that was also at a time when Lilith Fair artists were popular, and songwriters like Fiona Apple were mainstream. I’ve never been the kind of person who was a geek about music. I’ve never been the kind of person to seek out my own stuff. I listened to the radio and relied on recommendations from people I know. I absorbed music when I was a kid, I didn’t seek it out. It was through literature and film that I expressed my tastes, not music. And so a lot of great stuff passed me by.

Talk In Tongues – El Rey Theatre 7/11/15

However, as fate would have it, whereas most people get more conservative as they get older, I’ve gotten more liberal – and in some ways, more radical (thought I’m still a moderate most of the time). And I’ve started to appreciate the music from my youth that was a little more alternative and rebellious. Don’t get me wrong – I am UNASHAMED of having listened to The Spice Girls and TLC. But that’s the great thing about music – or any art, really. It’s always there for you when you need it, even if you need it almost 20 years later.

The concert had a great first opening band in Talk In Tongues. I dug their sound from the moment they got out on stage. And then, I fell absolutely in LOVE with The Muffs, who were the most punk band I’ve ever seen.

The Muffs – El Rey Theatre – 7/11/15

It was once The Muffs got on stage that I realized why this concert was so important to me. When I say that The Muffs were “the most punk band I’ve ever seen,” I mean that bassist, Robbie Barnett looks like Bill Nye, but plays like Dee Dee Ramone. I mean that lead singer and guitarist, Kim Shattuck uttered the phrase “I’m a grandma, but I don’t give a fuck” before launching into her next song where she proceeded to scream like a banshee. That is punk. A young person being all “down with the establishment” and “I’m a non-conformist” ain’t no thing. That’s kinda part of the job description. But if you can carry that attitude with you through the rest of your life. Holy crap, that’s amazing. That’s what I aspire to!

Veruca Salt – El Rey Theatre – 7/11/15

The awesomeness continued as Veruca Salt took the stage. Having never seen them play live before, I was totally transfixed by them. Everyone’s musicianship was on point, the vocals were amazing, and the energy – oh, the energy. I felt older than they are as I started whinging about having to stand for so long. Meanwhile, their energy never flagged. They brought the same in-your-face, feminist rebelliousness of their youth, but also brought all the wisdom they’ve acquired in the subsequent seventeen years of breaking up and getting back together. It was inspiring.

I needed this show right now. I needed to see women older than I am rocking the fuck out. It inspired me and reminded me that it’s more than OK to not “settle into” getting older, but rather, come into it kicking, screaming, and screeching. Happy fucking birthday to me!

You may have seen this on my social media platforms before, but I’d like to formally draw your eye to this very important GoFundMe.

The GF’s best friend, a lovely young woman named Amy Cooper, needs your help. You can read the full story at the page itself, but basically she’s dealing with a lot of health issues that both don’t allow her to work, and don’t allow her to afford care long-term. Her own health situation is precarious, and she’s also dealing with a mother who’s sick, was recently hospitalized, and whose insurance coverage lapsed.

If you’ve got anything to spare – and I do mean anything at all: $5/$10 – and understand that sometimes health care is a lot more complicated than it needs to be, consider giving to this GoFundMe on this beautiful Sunday. Both The GF and I would greatly appreciate it, as Amy is someone extremely important to us.

So, The GF is taking me to see Veruca Salt tonight at the El Rey for my birthday, and I’m very much looking forward to it! I don’t see nearly enough live music anymore, and their new album, Ghost Notes, is really good.

But this got me thinking about the music I grew up listening to, and I decided to put together a playlist of the #1 songs for every year I’ve been alive. Because it’s my birthday, and I. LOVE. LISTS.

After putting that together, I realized that if I were to create a Birthday Playlist listing the songs that were Number 1 on my actual birthday every year I’ve been alive, it’d be a very different list. So, of course I had to figure out what that’d look like. Here’s my “Still Alive” Birthday Playlist on Spotify – chock full of summertime jams!

This was fun! :) If you wanna figure out the soundtrack of your life, the Billboard website is super-helpful. And to bring things full circle, I’ll leave you with Veruca Salt – the band I’m seeing play tonight – doing a cover of the Number 1 song the year I was born, “My Sharona” by The Kinks. Enjoy!

I’m 36 today. That’s weird. It’s weird, because 40 is only 4 years away, and I don’t feel remotely old enough to be 40. I’m not saying that 40’s old – I’m saying that it sure decided to speed it’s way over here, and I still feel like a college student half the time! Slow down, 40! No rush. Damn! :)

But 36 feels good. I have so much for which I’m grateful, and my life has really taken off in surprising ways in the past couple of years, making me, at 36, about a BILLION times cooler than I was when I was 26.

And then there are the new, age-related problems and issues, like lower back and hip pain (due to the weight, most likely), annoyance with “going out” (unless it’s to a quiet pub with, like, 3-4 friends), being an Old Person who perks up whenever Old People Music comes on (ie: the soundtrack of my high school existence…from the 1990s, which ended SIXTEEN YEARS AGO), and a different vision for what my future should look like than I ever thought I’d have.

Oh yeah, and my 20 year high school reunion will be in two years.

Still, life is good overall, and I feel very lucky. I’m lucky to have the people I have in my life. I’m lucky to be the recipient of so much love from so many different sources, and I’m lucky that I have so many opportunities to love in return. I’m lucky that my Dream Career actually feels possible, and that I’ve been able to consistently plug away at a career in the arts long enough to know what failure looks like, what success looks like, and that I’m doing all the right things right now. I’m lucky that whenever life’s thrown something at me to knock me down, I’ve always managed to get back up. I’m lucky that I can not only move forward or backward, but I have the ability to pivot.

36 years on this planet has taught me a lot, and I’m grateful. Thanks to all of you for coming along for the ride.

This weekend was a big deal. There are several things that happened – for example, I took a two-day filmmaking workshop that I’ll be talking about in greater detail here soon – but there was one thing that was the most important, and will (hell, it already has) change the course of my life.

My partner of two and a half years, about whom I’ve written here at the blog before, is a trans woman!:)

You can read a lot about it over at the piece. I’m talking about it here again, because I realized that, since I do write about my personal life here, as well as my professional, that the way that I write about my love life has to change. After all, my love’s name and pronouns have changed. She is a she. As for her name – I don’t really share that in my public writing, because privacy, etc (though if we both end up SUPER-SUCCESSFUL AND FAMOUS in our respective careers, I guess names will come up soon enough!). Usually, if I’m referring to friends, I only use first names (unless they have a public life online as well), and they don’t seem to mind, but I’ve never used my partner’s name. As of right now, she doesn’t put herself out there in that way, and I don’t need to do it for her. Still, she does understand that I write about pretty much everything, and nothing is written in public about her of which she doesn’t approve.

Which is why it’s taken me this long for me to talk about dating a trans woman on my blog. I was respecting her boundaries and her ability to come out in her own time, and on Friday – which was the beginning of Trans Pride here in L.A. – she decided to do just that! :) I was so proud of her, and she’s already gotten so much support from our loved ones! Our close family and friends have known about her being trans since the end of last year, but it feels really amazing for her to be out now to the world. It changes everything in the best way in that, no matter what potential bullshit she might have to deal with in the future (and there may be a lot f bullshit), neither one of us has to be quite so careful what we say anymore.

If you know me at all, you know it’s extremely difficult for me to keep my mouth shut! :) Hiding feelings and experiences is not something I do well, nor is it something I want to do well. I firmly believe that feelings and experiences are meant to be shared, and that too many problems arise when too many of us aren’t open about what’s going on with us. That’s what leads to feelings of inadequacy and being alone and a weirdo – when we all toil away in our own corners of the world thinking that no one else could possibly “have it as bad,” or “think these thoughts,” or “be like this.” It causes us to turn our anger and insecurity and fear inward, and that’s the worst thing to do. That’s no way to live!

Anyway, I’m getting off track. The point is – she’s out, and I’m thrilled she’s out. As I continue with this blog, and my writing, I realized that the way I wrote about my life had to change. For a long while, when I wrote about my love online, I called her “The Boy.” First, because it was before I knew she was trans. Second, because even after I knew, she wasn’t ready for the world to know. But using that phrase became increasingly difficult the further along she was in her transition. Not only did “The Boy” hurt her, but it also hurt me to use. I hated having to refer to her that way, because I knew it wasn’t true. So, I gradually started trying to not use pronouns at all. I started using phrases like “my partner,” or My Boo, leaving the gender pronouns out entirely.

But hereafter, she will be known as The GF.:) I’ve changed my old “The Boy” tag to reflect this and everything. I was thinking about sticking with My Boo, but being that her coming out is such a huge deal, it seems only fitting that I acknowledge her femininity in my nickname for her – even as I keep it short by using initials, because space.

So, The GF and I went to Trans Pride this weekend at the L.A. LGBT Center, and it was pretty rad. Amazon’s Transparent was the sponsor, and it was so funny – pretty much everyone there and their mom was in some way related to the show. :) Either they’d been an extra, or an actor in it, or something. Even The GF had worked on a project associated with Transparent! I felt like the only person there who simply watches the show! Anyway, I got there in the evening, but she’d been there all day watching all sorts of entertainment, meeting up with friends, grabbing food, and just enjoying the simple pleasure of being around people like her for once.

When I got there, it was just in time for the Awards Ceremony, and the VarieTy Show, both of which were really moving. The Awards Ceremony acknowledged two long-standing employees of The Center – one cis, one trans, one still alive, one who’d passed away – who’d gone above and beyond for the trans community. After that, the VarieTy Show, where trans singers, dancers, stand-up comics and other performers took to the stage and blew the roof off the place. My favorites? Alexandra Billings (yes, from Transparent!), who did a heartbreaking cover of Radiohead’s “Creep;” D’Lo (was in the project The GF worked on associated with Transparent), an actor who brings theater versions of his family on stage in a hilarious and heartwarming fashion; Ian Harvie (also from Transparent!) a HILARIOUS stand-up comic; and Our Lady J, a fierce musician with mean piano skills. The evening closed with a surprise special guest, Jenifer Lewis (you might know her from Black-ish or as Motormouth Maybelle in Hairspray on Broadway, among a million other things). I had no idea that she worked so hard for the LGBT community, and that she was a part of early AIDS activism back in the day. Anyway, she brought the house down with Hairspray‘s “I Know Where I’ve Been,” which resonated with the LGBT crowd, and also because she sang it in honor of the victims of the church shooting in Charleston.

There was more of a party atmosphere later on at the Trans Pride after-party at Arena, a Hollywood night club. We went there for drinks, and to watch our friend HP Loveshaft/Lady Anastasia host her Pangaea Drag King Show. But after the show, the music came on…and was WAY too loud. I had Day 2 of my film workshop the next morning – and The GF and I are pretty much old people – so we didn’t stay long after our friend’s show.

Yes, there were some somber moments, but what I felt more than anything else that night was the high everyone was riding at a time when Laverne Cox is on TV, there’s an entire show centered around a trans woman on Amazon Prime, and one of the Kardashian-Jenners is a trans woman. The theme of the evening was “Our Time Has Come.” It certainly has.

And I’m so glad I get to follow The GF on this journey, wherever it takes us. :)

I know, I know. Where’ve I been? Working (The Mary Sue keeps me too busy to blog during most of the day), Incredible Girl-ing, applying for this year’s writing fellowships with Adam (and revising the scripts needed to do so), and for the past week, I’ve been trying to pay closer attention to my health by participating in the Fit Girls’ Guide 28-Day Jumpstart Challenge, a program I heard about through a friend that’s designed to get you eating cleaner by cooking healthier food, and doing regular exercise. The battle for health and fitness has always been a difficult one for me, but here I am, trying again, because I know how important it is not only for my health, but in order for me to live the kind of life I want to live. Also, I need an excuse to try and cook more, because I’ve always wanted to, but I’ve also always been lazy. :)

My schedule during Week One last week was uncharacteristically busy, which meant that I was waking up, working, and had some sort of meeting or obligation in the evening that I’d come home late from and have to get to bed right after – meaning that I had no time to make any of Nerdstrong‘s classes, or do the prescribed FitGirls 30-minute workout on every day save one. Still, my food game was pretty much on point, and even though I ate things that weren’t on program, because I was eating out at these meetings/obligations, I made healthier choices for the most part, and I was proud of myself. The Jumpstart is a group challenge, meaning that you’re part of a community sharing with and encouraging each other on Instagram. You’re supposed to take pictures every day – of your meals, of your workouts, etc – to hold yourself accountable and to allow from encouragement from the group, and because I’m me and like to share, I also shared the photos and progress on my Facebook and Twitter in addition to Instagram, because why not?

Well, here’s why not.

Me after my one and only workout last week. SWEAT!

Not a week into the program, I had a couple of well-meaning friends, acquaintances, and family members commenting on how I could improve. They were supportive of my efforts and want to see me achieve my goals, of that there’s no question…but not a week in, and people were already giving me suggestions as to how I could be doing things “better.” And as we live in a society that encourages people to constantly be dieting, everyone has their own “thing that works,” their own tips and tricks that they swear by. Never mind that everyone is different and has different metabolisms, body types, personalities, schedules, issues with food, etc. So many people felt comfortable giving their two cents in an attempt to “help.” The thing is: I never asked. It’d be one thing if I were crowdsourcing weight loss advice online, or if I’d gone to any of these people directly and said “Hey, I see you’ve done something that really works for you, can you tell me about it?” But here I was – already doing a thing – and even that wasn’t enough to deflect commentary on what I “should” be doing, or “could be doing better.” This has happened before, during other attempts of mine to get healthier, but it wasn’t until now that I really noticed how negatively it affected me.

After a couple of those moments of unsolicited advice, I started to feel down and say “Fuck it” in my head. I decided to stop sharing my progress on Facebook and Twitter (limiting it to Instagram), and over the weekend, while I didn’t overeat, I also wasn’t particularly concerned about what my meals looked like or how “clean” they were.

Could I just ignore people’s unsolicited advice? Sure, I guess. But here’s what people really need to understand about people dealing with being overweight. As I’ve written about before, people are overweight for any number of reasons. Sometimes it’s genetic. Sometimes, it’s just sheer lack of mindfulness coupled with our society’s tendency to deliver us food fast, and with the most amount of calories for the least amount of money. And sometimes, people overeat because they have an eating disorder.

As I’ve written about before, compulsive overeating, or binge eating, is a disorder the same way that anorexia or bulimia are. And so it’s not just a matter of “eat less, exercise more.” There’s other stuff going on, and one’s relationship with food is very different than it is for those who don’t deal with that. Yet, just as well-meaning people make the mistake of telling someone with anorexia to “just eat something,” while ignoring the myriad psychological things that are going on, people feel free to tell people who binge eat either what to eat, or when to eat, or when not to eat, without taking into account that individual person’s needs, wants, or issues.

For me, binge eating has a lot to do with control. I’ve noticed that the times in my life where I’ve eaten the most are the times when I feel like my life is the most out of whack, and food is one of the few things I have any power over. So, whenever anyone tells me what I should eat or not eat (and I didn’t ask them, and they’re not a medical professional), my reflex response is to eat whatever I damn well please. My response in these instances has gotten better. I don’t sneak food the way I used to, and when I eat “whatever I damn well please,” I’m better equipped to stop mid-stream or to make choices that are only partially unhealthy (ordering fried food at a diner) and not completely unhealthy (going to 7-11 and buying a pint of ice cream, cookies, and a package of cupcakes to eat on the walk home). Still, the impulse is there. I don’t know that it’ll ever not be there. All I can do is figure out how best to handle those moments when they crop up.

However, there’s something all of you can do. If you really want to support someone who’s trying to get healthier with regard to food – KEEP YOUR SUGGESTIONS AND OPINIONS TO YOURSELF UNTIL YOU’RE ASKED. By all means, cheer people on – I have amazing friends and family who are constantly rooting for me, and even the folks who’ve given me the unsolicited advice have cheered me on, and I’m so grateful for that. A kind word goes a long way, and the phrase “you can do it!” never gets old. But keep your suggestions on how they can improve, or what they should or shouldn’t be eating to yourself unless you’re asked for your opinion. You’re not a doctor. I don’t care how many diets you’ve been on, or how much weight you’ve lost, or how much research you’ve done on the internet. All that shows anyone is what worked for you. Everyone is different physically, and everyone’s specific food issues are different.

Me? I can overeat ANYTHING. If all I have is salad stuff in the house, I’ve been capable of making 3-4 salads in a row, piled with ingredients and dressing. I’ve been able to have several bananas in a row. I can pound back yogurt like it’s nobody’s business. So, what I’m trying to work on is repairing my relationship with food – all food. Which means that it’s unhealthy for me to categorize foods into “good foods” and “bad foods,” because anything can be a bad food for me. So while yes, I’m trying to get into the habit of cooking healthier food, it’s not so much about eating “good foods” so much as it’s about rewiring my brain to recognize that I have even more food options than I’ve ever given myself, and that I should explore them. It’s not about a deprivation mentality, it’s about having all the options in the world and then choosing what makes your body feel better. And yes, my body feels better when it has more nutrition and less ice cream. But that doesn’t mean that ice cream is completely off the table. It just means that ice cream can’t be THE SOLE REASON I LIVE AND BREATHE. (BTW – I haven’t had ice cream in a good long while) It’s less about telling myself what I “can’t have” and more about just being more mindful of what I eat, and making every choice a purposeful one. Am I actually hungry right now? What will actually satisfy me as opposed to just being a temporary food Band-Aid. And also, it’s OK to like food. Food isn’t “just fuel.” It’s not. It has cultural significance, it’s comforting, it’s a part of all of our celebrations and observances, and that’s okay. The thing is, there are people who can have it be that, and are capable of stopping eating when they’re full, or who don’t constantly think about the next time they’re going to get to eat, or who don’t feel the need to secretly stuff themselves with baked goods when no one is watching. And there are people who do exactly those things.

I’m one of them. Or rather, I used to do those things, and I now do them less and less as I find different ways to cope with things and actively pursue things that make me happier than any food ever could. And I’m not trying to blame the people who give unsolicited advice. After all, I had these problems long before you told me I should lay off carbs, or how many fruits I should eat. All I’m asking is that you understand that I’m simply working on trying to have a normal relationship with food. With all food. I’m trying to eat in a balanced way as a habit, and I’m taking steps to learn what balanced means. I ask you to understand that your well-meaning advice could be the very thing that triggers another binge for me. And I ask you to understand and trust that if I need help, I will ask for it, difficult though that is.

And, I wanna thank all my wonderful friends and family for all their support! I want you to know that even if you’re one of the people I’m talking about, I know you have my best interests at heart, and I’m so grateful that you care! :) And to those of you who’ve been non-stop fonts of encouragement, THANK YOU, TOO! Knowing that I have people in my life who love and care for me is actually one of the things I focus on to remind me that I don’t need to eat to feel full. :)

Hey there, everyone! I’m sorry that I’ve not been blogging much lately! Between The Mary Sue and getting scripts ready for writing fellowships with Adam this year, I’ve been crazed. But I wanted to pop in to tell you about two events going on this weekend that you may be interested in if you’re down with the projects I’m working on!

So, what’s the deal with the poster of me bound? :) This is one of the first poster images from Incredible Girl, the digital series I’ve written and am currently co-producing and fundraising for. In an effort to build our base and support, we’re going out into the BDSM community – which features prominently in the series – to raise awareness and make friends! So this weekend, from TONIGHT through Sunday, May 17th, we’ll be appearing at L.A’s DomCon – the world’s premiere professional and lifestyle domination convention!

We’ll not only have a table in the vendor’s hall (complete with a spanking booth and giveaways Fri, Sat, and Sun!) all weekend, but we’ll be hosting the Opening Ceremonies in character as IG and Cupcake, screening our teaser footage, and appearing at Friday night’s Play Party AND Saturday night’s Fetish Ball! So if you want to pop by, indulge your curiosity, support our show, and see me in a cute new corset I just bought, come check it out!

Whether learning more about BDSM is your thing or not, I’m sure there’s something all of us can agree on. Fuck cancer, am I right? As you may know, Supergirl Radio – the Supergirl fan podcast I host with the lovely Rebecca Johnson – is part of a family of podcasts called DCTV Podcasts, which includes Quiver: The Green Arrow Podcast, Legends of Gotham, and The Flash Podcast (as well as the upcoming Legends of Tomorrow Podcast!). We’re all teaming up for a massive super-powered marathon this weekend to raise money in support of the Winship Cancer Institute, to which we all have a very personal connection through my co-host, Rebecca. Check out the details about the fundraiser/marathon and find out how you can donate HERE. Our goal was a paltry $500, which we’ve already raised thanks to our generous listeners. But we’d love to raise as much as possible, so give the marathon a listen and donate what you can! Sadly, I won’t be able to participate, because I’ll be at DomCon, but one of Supergirl Radio’s fabulous regular guests, Michael Bailey, will be joining Rebecca to talk about Supergirl in the DC Animated Universe! It’s sure to be a great time!

Thanks so much for your continued support of my work and my various projects. I promise, I’ll be getting back on the blogging train soon. In the meantime, enjoy those fun photos up top! ;)