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Figuring they'll hear about it anyway, Clay confesses to Eric and Royce how he arranged to meet a chick he had been writing to on the internet, only to find out the hard way that she's a he. The vet tells Eric that Betsy is too fat and needs a change in diet. She's horrified when Michelle shows her Eric feeds the dog cheese. While working out at the gym, Jeremiah recommends Clay stop trying to find the perfect woman and start letting the perfect woman try to find him. No sooner than he says it than Kristle, a hot personal trainer, comes up to Clay to tell him he's using the equipment wrong and she'd like to show him how it's done. Later, they go back to her place and she really shows him how it's done. The day after, Clay introduces Kristle to the guys, who quickly size up how vacant she is. Jeremiah congratulates Clay on his new conquest, but manages to offend anyway when he tells him that, for the first time, he's going out with a girl for no other reason than she's hot. Insisting he only dates intelligent women whom he bonds with, Clay blows off a Lakers game he was going to attend with Jeremiah, giving Royce the chance to snatch up his ticket. Saddened that Betsy won't eat kibble (even though he likes to eat it), Eric attempts to sneak out at night to give her a slice of cheese, but Michelle wakes up, catches him in the act, and demands he drop it. On their way to the game, an excitable, nervous Royce tries too hard to fill Clay's void as Jeremiah's best buddy. Clay realizes Jeremiah was right about what an airhead Kristle is... not that it stops him from having sex with her. Eric and Michelle are thrilled when Betsy finally takes to the kibble. Clay makes amends with Jeremiah for acting hypocritical. After all, looks are all that matter.moreless

During a failed attempt to pick up a babe at the dog park, Royce finds out every woman there is on to his leash scheme. Jeremiah feels a need for change when an old man named Buster drops by the restaurant. A former chef-cum-playboy himself, Buster never got married. Since Jeremiah doesn't want to end up alone and Michelle doesn't think he's about to find Miss Right at the park, she invites him and Clay to join her yoga class, which is full of prospective single women. Jeremiah and Clay join and can't handle the activities, but it's no pain, no gain when Michelle introduces them to Sarah and Jenna. Perhaps more pain than gain when the pair let them know they practice "The New Celibacy": waiting six months to have sex. Royce goes to the pound to get a free mutt, but is told by the clerk, Debbie, that he'll have to pay for license and shots. That is, unless he agrees to take the unwanted three-legged dog, Lucky, off their hands. Since Royce isn't fazed by Lucky's lack of a leg, Debbie is so moved by his gesture that she goes home with him. Michelle apologizes to the guys for sticking them with two near-nuns, but Clay's actually glad to have a non-sexual relationship. Jeremiah isn't so glad, but agrees to play along for Clay's sake. Royce shows up at the park with Lucky, who makes all the girls -- including the babe who previously told him off -- swoon. So she too goes home with him. On their second date, Sarah and Jenna invite Clay and Jeremiah into their homes to show them how to do nighttime stretches. A guy tries and fails to get Royce to reveal his babe-magnet secret, then figures it out himself. At class, Clay realizes Jeremiah slept with Jenna by how "loose and stretchy" he is. Angry that he broke "The New Celibacy" behind his back, Clay has an outburst in class, thankful how Sarah stayed true. That's when Sarah announces she's been sleeping with other people. It's back to the drawing board for Royce when all the other guys in the park get cuter magic three-legged sex dogs. Jeremiah runs into Buster again. With his wife, Betty. He isn't alone, he's forgetful.moreless

On their day off, Eric suggests he and Michelle finish up their love-making grand tour of the apartment in the laundry room. Jeremiah tells the guys that the personnel director for Vintage Cruise Lines, Teri Forrester, was so impressed with his cooking that she called him over with the offer of a lifetime: come on board as the highly-paid executive chef for their new ship. It's an offer he can't refuse, but Clay thinks his boss, Stan, won't be happy when he hears his top dog wants to quit. Royce sees Clay going to the laundromat, and tries to butter him up so he'll do both their loads. But since Royce pulled this scam before with the broken promise of paying him back, Clay refuses as he's tired of Royce's mooching. Royce heads down to the laundromat anyway to let Clay know he wants to change. To prove it, he pays him back for the last time he did his laundry. But it turns out this is a new scam where he pretends to have forgotten his change. Clay sees right through it and recommends Royce find a new chump. Stan can't match Teri's quoted salary, so Jeremiah quits. Clay is upset that Jeremiah doesn't seem to care how he'll be away on the cruise for a year without his friends. Royce is intrigued when Eric tells him where the final stop of the love-making tour took place. Just when Jeremiah is about to sign his new contract, he learns the company has a no dogs policy. Royce drops by Eric's apartment and suckers Michelle into using her machine. Since Royce keeps imposing, she demands Eric get rid of him, but it doesn't stop the washer moocher from breaking in at night to do more laundry. Jeremiah turns down the job and tries to make the guys think he did it because he'd miss his friends, but Clay realizes the real reason he did it. Jeremiah tells Stan he's staying, and Stan makes him an offer he can match: a 50/50 joint partnership. After Eric and Michelle catch Royce trying to come in through the doggy door, they and Clay drag him to the laundromat and force him to wash his clothes at his own expense.moreless

Royce hits on a beautiful woman, Sandra, but when he pretends to be admiring her wardrobe rather than her body, she thinks he's gay. Michelle nervously awaits the belated arrival of her bar exam results. Royce decides to use Sandra's assumption to his advantage by going to her place to cuddle and watch her try on clothes. Michelle thinks it's weird that Eric rented out The Strand for Betsy's surprise birthday party. She reluctantly goes, and finds out Eric threw the party for her for passing the bar -- the results of which came and he hid. Jeremiah meets Nina and fails to seduce her, as she's not into food. Michelle tells Eric she doesn't care he opened her mail because she passed. Eric admits he doesn't even know if she passed since he didn't open her mail. Now she cares since, unlike him, she isn't sure that she did pass. Royce tells an unamused Clay that he's going to get Sandra drunk, then say he's having "confusing feelings." Eric gives Michelle the letter, but she panics and won't open it. She also hurts Eric by calling him stupid. Sandra shocks Royce by introducing him to her gay co-worker, Dennis. Michelle unintentionally exposes Nina when she tells Jeremiah they have a lot in common as she's a food-a-holic who's been dying to meet him. Royce confesses to Dennis that he isn't gay and tells him to scram. Dennis confesses that he isn't gay either -- he's scamming Sandra too! The two gay-for-pay boys intended to duel it out to see who'll win her, but instead just blow the other's cover. Jeremiah confronts Nina to find out why she lied to him. When she says she knows his type, he tries to finish her off with cake. She plays it up, then laughs his "glorified brownie" off. Michelle apologizes to Eric for calling him stupid, and he guilts her into opening the letter. She passed. And Eric isn't so stupid, since he manipulated everything. With Sandra gone, Dennis and Royce admit they played a good game.moreless

Jeremiah seeks Clay's advice when a woman he did, Deena, leaves a message that makes it sound like he's a father. When Eric goes out and leaves Betsy home with Michelle, she accidentally locks the dog in the dryer, then thinks it got loose. Michelle gets Jeremiah and Clay to help her find the dog, but Eric arrives home earlier than expected, leaving her no choice but to come clean. The gang split up to search, with Jeremiah and Clay the first team, Eric and Michelle the second team and Royce... well, no team. Jeremiah tells Clay he plans to marry Deena. Angry that the others didn't want his help, Royce hopes he'll find Betsy and win them over. Instead, he finds a window looking into the bathroom of a bunch of hot girls bathing. Eric and Michelle put up wanted posters, while Royce peeps at the half-dressed girls. Until he gets caught, anyway. On film. Jeremiah and Clay pay a visit to Deena's house, but it's not what they thought; Jeremiah didn't get her pregnant, Wolfgang got her dog pregnant. And she's got a boxful of puppies for him. The girls put up peeper warnings all over town. They nearly catch Royce too, but luckily a woman he declined to give a smoke to earlier at The Strand lets him hide in her car. Clay's mad that Jeremiah wasn't punished for his actions, but figures he will be now that he has to care for the puppies. But they only attract the girls, who think they'll be the perfect thing to scare Royce away next time. After Royce tells his new friend what his old friends did, she suggests he get new ones. Then she exposes herself as a gold-digger -- and one not too impressed with what he makes. Eric and Michelle have an argument back at their place, because she wants to call it a night. She goads him into helping out more around the house, so he decides to do the laundry -- which leads him right to Betsy.moreless

To get his mind off Jocelyn, Jeremiah helps Clay out in the dating department by leading a collie owner, Danielle, to him. It's Eric's and Michelle's first anniversary, and she tells Nina how they met while Eric was running a rollerskate rental place. Eric, who nearly forgot the occasion, shows Jeremiah and Royce the necklace he got for Michelle. At The Strand, Danielle cuts her first date with Clay short after she gets bored listening to him talk about Jocelyn...among other things. Plus, she's had her eye on Jeremiah all along. So she asks him out, claiming she and Clay didn't click. Eric wakes up on anniversary day to find Betsy ate the necklace. He rushes the dog over to the vet, but when he refuses an operation to get it out, the vet recommends using some stimulation to speed up the recovery process. Jeremiah's stunned when Clay tells him that Danielle is the one. Clay soon wakes up to reality when he tries to call her to arrange a second date and Jeremiah's phone starts ringing. Jeremiah visits Clay at work to patch things up, and Clay learns he has a problem when Jeremiah shows him that he's got Jocelyn's face plastered on all his stuff. Time runs out for Eric, so when Michelle asks for her gift, he hands her Betsy. Clay rids himself of Jocelyn by holding a beachside ritual and tossing all the things she gave him into a bonfire. On the way home, Michelle learns Eric wasn't lying when Betsy finally "delivers" her gift.moreless

After Jeremiah spins another cake tale, Royce says he swiped a piece and put it in his freezer...just in case. Michelle still loathes Betsy's attitude towards her, so Eric recommends therapy. For the dog. Cindy Waters, a former fling of Jeremiah's, bumps into him, but he barely recognizes her since she put on 200 lbs., thanks to one bite of his you-know-what. Jeremiah shrugs off Clay's comments that he should feel guilty, until, during his next move, he envisions turning another one fat. Clay's new dog walker, Sam, comes to his apartment to walk Audie, only to find Royce there. He decides to break out the cake in the freezer, and is rewarded by getting his dog walked. Doctor Fletcher, the doggie shrink, thinks Michelle is jealous of Betsy. Clay makes like Jeremiah by ordering the cake for his date, Brooke, but is unnerved when Jeremiah breaks it to him that he isn't making it anymore. Jeremiah attempts to seduce his own woman with a light lemon sorbet, which doesn't work. So Clay recommends he "make the cake." Following doctor's orders, Eric teaches Michelle how to walk Betsy. Royce skips out on an important meeting to go home and walk another one with Sam. After she leaves with all the dogs she's been neglecting and Clay returns and steps in crap in the living room again, Royce has to talk him out of firing her. Michelle spends a bonding day out with Betsy. Clay catches Royce and Sam in the act. Sam begs Clay not to fire her, but Royce changes sides when he finds out how much she makes. Jeremiah goes to a full-figured women's clothing store Cindy owns to apologize to her, but she's actually grateful he fed her good, since big is beautiful and big -- and beautiful clothes made her rich. Eric's happy to see Michelle and Betsy are friends now. Royce starts dog walking during his lunch breaks.moreless

Jeremiah takes a mysterious woman, Amber, home, but before he can make a move, Wolfgang starts barking at her and ruins the date. Jeremiah decides to get Wolfgang trained, and Clay recommends joining him and Audie at "Puppy and Me" class. Eric wants to treat Michelle to dinner, as she's been studying for her bar exam. She cancels it, because she's brought her handsome study partner, Jim, over. Clay's looking for a new roommate, and Jeremiah learns, much to his amusement, that Royce still lives at home with his mom, Jan. Michelle suspects Eric is jealous of Jim, but the only thing Eric is jealous of is Jim playing with Betsy. At Jeremiah's first class, instructor Heather and his weird classmates are offended when he refers to Wolfgang as "his dog" and says he wants to "train" him. A guy thinks Wolfgang has a sixth sense, and was barking because the woman is evil, while a vet tells Jeremiah to shut the dog up with nighttime cold medicine. Jeremiah's taunts prompt Royce to tell his mom he's moving out, but she's so codependent she gets him to stay by threatening to give his stuff to charity. Nina believes Michelle's angry at Eric for not being possessive as she really wants a caveman to drag her by the hair. Clay thinks Wolfgang does have a sixth sense, but when Amber gives Jeremiah a second chance, he opts for the Nyquil. Michelle tries unsuccessfully to make Eric jealous, though he loves her anyway. After Royce has a nightmare that he still lives with mom at 60, Clay gets his new roommate. Jeremiah wakes up to find Amber robbed him, and Wolfgang did have a sixth sense after all.moreless

Michelle kicks Betsy out of the bedroom after the dog licks her foot. Royce shares the story of how he met Pamela, a girl he caught driving the car he wants into a used lot, while Jeremiah does likewise with how he unsuccessfully tried to fix up Clay on a double date, only to have both girls when Clay bolts. After Betsy pushes Eric's skateboard to another woman, Michelle suspects she is trying to have her master's girlfriend replaced. Royce buys Pamela's car, and finds out $300 of the price goes to Pamela, because she "referred" him to the dealership. Michelle has to wear her nerd glasses after Betsy deliberately eats her contact. Jeremiah tries to force Clay to work Audie to pick up chicks. And Royce tries to get Pamela to split the referral fee with him -- while they're in bed. Michelle rigs the house with a hidden camera in hopes of having evidence to show to Eric of Betsy destroying her stuff. The dog catches on and destroys the camera instead. Jeremiah drags Clay to a club, which he also skips out on. Royce pretends to make up with Pamela so as to steal something of hers to cover the fee, but she catches him in the act and throws him out. Doing it his way, Clay brings Jeremiah to his favorite pick-up place -- the bookstore. Jeremiah gets lucky again, yet Clay nearly strikes out with his pick...until she sees he's got a dog. Michelle gloats to Betsy that she'll die first, so they may as well share the bedroom with Eric.moreless

Jeremiah defies dog laws by bringing Wolfgang on the beach. Animal Control Officer Zajac has something to say about that, but first he'll have to catch Jeremiah to ticket him. Clay takes a liking to Summer, a street artist who takes a liking to his face. He agrees to let her sketch it. At the restaurant, Royce thinks he's finally found his equal in Kim, a penny-pincher who tells Jeremiah he overcharged her -- by a quarter. Plus tax! They agree to split dinner sometime. Zajac tracks Jeremiah at work to beat him down. While Summer is sketching Clay on the beach, she tries to get him to strip naked, but when he refuses, she says she'll just work around it. Zajac gets a new motorcycle and needs to start writing tickets to justify its expense. During their date, Kim notices she's been overcharged again, but doesn't want Royce to take care of it, she wants to skip out without paying. He does, after which they have dirty sex and talk cheap to each other. Literally. Clay returns to Summer's stand to see his sketch, which has him naked with a very small endowment. Since it's on display, the others see it too. Or...what passes for it. Royce asks Kim to marry him, but finds out she's not cheap when it comes to one area -- the ring. When he won't give her one, she skips out on him. Jeremiah treats an injured Zajac to free dinner after the officer crashes into a sand castle while in pursuit of him. Clay confronts Summer, and a couple buys the penis sketch. Tired of the boys' little willy jokes, Clay exposes himself on the beach and lets them see what size it really is. Zajac sees it too, and finally gets to give a ticket.moreless

Polly tips Jeremiah off that there's a food critic in disguise eating at the restaurant. His jaw drops when he sees her and remembers they had sex, after which he said he'd call her again -- and didn't. Jeremiah saves face with Carmen, the critic, by blaming her for not calling him back and then accepting her apology by having more sex. Eric brings Michelle to the park, which the others don't approve of -- especially after she starts talking in clinical detail about her period. When Aunt Betty finally pays Michelle a visit, she plans to make Eric go out for more pads, which her friend, Nina, disapproves of. Jeremiah goes to the newsstand to see Carmen's review first, but when she only gives the restaurant two stars, he runs around town removing every last copy of it from circulation. Michelle doesn't heed Nina's advice, and blasts Eric until he agrees to go and get her pads. Royce and Clay make Jeremiah feel worse by interpreting Carmen's review as a thinly-veiled slam about his sexual performance. A frightened Eric seeks help from Royce in the pad shopping department, but Royce doesn't know any better and Eric comes home with adult diapers. Jeremiah confesses to Carmen that he lied to her, while she tells him that her review wasn't vindictive and though the restaurant could use improvement, his sex wasn't bad. After walking Betsy, Eric realizes Michelle's bodily functions are no different.moreless

While on the job, Jeremiah hits on a woman with his usual pick-up: getting her to take one bite of his chocolate cake, then luring her away from her date. After having sex, Royce asks his date to reimburse him $30 for a $120 meal, because he figured it would only come out to $90. Michelle just wants to get close to Eric, but Betsy keeps getting in the way. At the dog park, Clay obliviously tells the tale of his girlfriend, Jocelyn, who's returning from Southeast Asia weeks late...because she met up with a guy in Germany who had an extra ticket to Cambodia. Clay doesn't put two and two together until he goes to the airport with his new puppy to pick her up. Jeremiah tries to cheer up Clay, but he doesn't want to take advice from a womanizer who gives his best love to his dog. Michelle has trouble making out with Eric with Betsy staring at them. Jeremiah pulls his cake manouevre on a second girl, who soon takes him back to her place. Then he finds out she loves food as much as he does, and makes a run for it. Michelle lays down the law with Betsy. Clay apologizes to Jeremiah for taking his anger out on him, and decides to wait a little longer before hitting the rebound.moreless

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