Dr. Reality Steve 11/8/07

So as you know, we are joined this week by my ex-girlfriend Jessica. I find it pretty funny that some of you were half expecting her to come on here and rip me to shreds. Do you ever think I would’ve made myself look bad in my own column? Please. I’m here to make myself look good people. I was Mr. Perfect when I was with herâ€¦.for about the first week or so. Well, maybe a month. Two months. As I mentioned yesterday, Jessica was the only girl I’ve ever lived with, but it was a lot different than what some of you may expect. I would say it was just circumstances surrounding the whole living situation, the timing, and where both of us were at personally and professionally that made it not work. And I couldn’t possibly be more vague if I tried. Ha ha. Without a doubt, there were rough times after the breakup, but I’m glad that’s all in the past, and we’ve been able to remain friends. So without further adieu, onto the columnâ€¦.

1) Dr. Reality Steve….I LOVE your column!!! You should take Dr. Phil’s place. And thank you for giving us the female perspective too! Sometimes you’re a little biased…ha.

So here’s my question: I have fiance that I’ve been with for the last 5 years, engaged for the last 2. He is my first real boyfriend since my divorce about 8 years ago. I love him a lot, and I know he loves me. I just find one thing about him that I can’t stand. His family. He’s very close to them, which is good, but I do not enjoy their company at all. Sometimes I wonder how in the world he even came from this family. His dad drinks a lot, his mother does whatever the dad says, his two older brothers are total players, and his sister is an outcast in the family.

I know what you’re gonna say…get out while you can, he’s gonna turn into them. But I swear, he’s the sweetest guy, he’s never done anything to make me think he’s going to turn into one of them. But having already gone through one divorce, I obviously don’t want to go through another one. I think he’s the guy, but the family thing really scares me. Do I say something now and risk offending him, or do I just keep my mouth shut and hope things get better? Please help.

Anxiously awaiting your answer,
Lisa

Reality Steve: Lisa, Lisa, Lisaâ€¦.oh what to do with family you don’t like. I think we had a similar email last week from someone, and I’ll basically tell you the same thing I told her. You either go one of two ways with this: Either separate yourself completely from them and be a recluse every time there’s a family function, or do the opposite, and be completely over-the-top and challenge them on everything you don’t like.

That’s a hell of a family life he has. Drunk dad, passive mother, two players for brothers, and a sister who doesn’t fit in. Yet he’s the one who turned out normal? Are you sure? Are you just saying that because you’re in love and are looking past some things? You might really want to look into this one.

And just one other thing: You’ve been engaged for 2 years? Why hasn’t the marriage happened yet? Look, I’ve never been engaged, but I can pretty much guarantee when I do, I don’t need to stay engaged for two years. Makes it seem like I’m still deciding if I want to go through with it. Obviously I don’t know your situation or maybe your schedules and timing aren’t matching up, but a 2 year engagement is something I don’t get. The idea of proposing to someone is because you want to marry them, correct? And you wouldn’t propose unless you had a certain time frame of when you’d like this marriage to happen. And I’m under the assumption you two had talked about it before he proposed. I say if you’re not hitched within the next year, something’s wrong on his part.

Jessica: I have seen great guys who come from messed up families turn out to be the most attentive and caring partners. However, I have also seen crazy in-laws destroy a marriage. But, it really doesn’t sound too bad on your end. There are a few questions to ask yourself though. Are they disrespectful to you in your home? Do they constantly tell you what you are doing wrong? When his dad drinks does he turn cruel with his words or act violently? Do they show love to their son? How often are they around?

If they just annoy you, suck it up. Sounds to me like you are happy with this man so don’t go creating problems where there are none.

2) Dr. Steve,

Are you ever going to be on TV with your advice? I think you should. It’s hilarious! My problem: I’m very insecure about my chest size. I’m a 27 year old woman living in L.A., but have always been on the smaller side. I think I’m attractive, have never really had any problems getting guys before, but, I’m very self conscious about my chest. I’m seriously considering getting implants because I think it will improve my self-confidence. I know guys like women with big boobs, but do you think by getting implants it’ll cause more or less problems?

P.S. – My friend thinks you’re cute but she’d never write you a million years.

Paula

Reality Steve: Paula, by all means, get em’ done. Get em’ big, get em’ full, and get em’ so it feels like a paper weight is in there.

Will it cause more or less problems? Well, depends on how you look at it. Do you consider it a problem when guys who wouldn’t normally pay attention to you start to? Do you consider under-their-breath comments after you walk by a problem? Do you consider less eye contact on a date a big problem? If you say “no” to all three, then go ahead and do it. You will definitely get more attention, and we all know women love attention. And you might even land a guy or two that you might not have had a chance at if you didnâ€™t. However, those guys might be very short lived relationships. Put it this way, it can never hurt to have a bigger chest in guys eyes. I mean, we’re guys. It’s part of our makeup to look at breasts. Some are better than others. So whether or not it’ll cause more or less problems is determined by the types of guys you’re into. Guys will stare no matter what.

I do have an etiquette question though when it comes to implants. Say you’ve known someone for a while and then all the sudden they go from a “B” to a full “C”. What’s the proper etiquette the next time you see them? Do you acknowledge their chest growth with a, “Hey, you certainly got bigger”, or “Wow, those are nice!”? Or do you not acknowledge what has just transpired on her chest since you both know its obvious. But then being a woman, she might get offended she just spent 5 grand on something and wasn’t complimented on it. I’ve only known one friend who got implants while I knew her. My response when I saw her? “Damn.”

Jessica: Don’t do it!! First off, you sound like you are only going to be doing it for the male species and that is just crap. Second, women with smaller breasts look way better in clothes. Take it from me, every time I go to try something on, things just don’t fit right or a cute little summer dress turns into a trashy one because of the overspill of boobage.

Oh, and a little hint about guys…they like any sized boobs, as long as you are naked, nothing else really matters.

P.S. Tell your friend not to be so shy. I have plenty of stories about Dr. Steve that we could talk about. 😉

Reality Steve note: Yes, and ALL of Jessica’s stories about me would be nothing but glowing praises. I mean, I’d be shocked if she found any faults with me.

3) Dr. Reality Steve,

You have to help me out over here. I cannot stop fighting with my boyfriend. Seems like every conversation we’ve had for the last month has turned into an argument. Let me give you a little background: I’m 25, he’s 29. We’ve been dating around a year and a half, officially, that’s because we started to get together when he was with his last girlfriend, who just so happens to be a mutual friend of ours. Or should I say “was” a mutual friend of ours. She no longer speaks to us. That’s a whole other story in itself.

But it seems like he’s been on edge recently. Everything I say upsets him, everything I do is wrong, and he’s just been mean. He says he’s stressed at work, but I don’t know if I believe him. He’s never been like this before, and I’m getting worried either he’s cheating on me or is looking for a way to get out. We also haven’t had sex in about 3 weeks, which is very unlike him. Anytime I ask him if he’s ok or whatever, he just snaps at me. I hope this is just a phase he’s going through, but I don’t want to lose him. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Wendy

Reality Steve: Wendy, I’d get out of that as soon as possible. There’s obviously something bothering him that he’s not telling you, especially if this behavior is coming out of left field.

You gotta talk to the guy and not be afraid of his response. I think you are a little, and that’s why you’ve shied away from talking about it. If the guy can’t speak to you in a calm, non-confrontational matter on something that’s important to you, well, then he’s just a douche bag and you probably shouldn’t be with him.

As for the sex thing, look into that too. Go through his emails. Check his cellphone for any weird numbers. If you honestly think he’s cheating, that’s how you’ll find out. And if you find out he is by doing that, then it doesn’t matter you became a snoop. You found out what you needed to and you’ll leave him anyway. If you snoop and find nothing, and don’t get caught, then no harm done. However, if you snoop, find nothing, and do get caught, uhhhhhh, he’ll probably lose all trust in you and you’ll never come to me for advice ever again. So just don’t get caught is what I’m saying.

Jessica: Tell him to get on Paxil. Kidding.

When a guy starts creating problems he is not happy. Yes, it could be stress but there is also something else there. Sounds to me like he is trying to get you to break up with him. But, you can’t know anything for sure unless you talk with him. You are 25 and a grown up. If you have been in a relationship for over a year you should be able to speak openly and honestly with him.

Don’t ask him what’s wrong though…tell him how you feel and how things are affecting you. If he can’t even listen to you, get out. Not worth it.
Oh, and once a cheater, always a cheater. Believe me.

Reality Steve note: For the record, Jessica’s last line was not referring to me. Our breakup had nothing to do with cheating issues. I think it was the guy before me.

4) Dear Doctor,

I’m a happily married woman of 5 years with no kids. My husband is very financially stable, and I do a little work on the side, but not much. Lately it seems like my husband is resenting the fact I don’t work. He makes comments here or there that he never made before. I kind of shrug it off, but it does kinda bother me. However, something else is kinda worrying me. He’s become quite a bit more sexual as of late. We’ve always had a decent sex life, nothing to complain about. But lately, he’s started to suggest things and do things that kind of surprised me. No need to get into detail, but it’s more or less stuff you’d see in porn. Which is where I think he’s getting them. I started to look at his credit card bill recently and noticed some charges on there that didn’t seem right. Should I ask him about this, or does that make me come across as a snoop? Should I just let it go for a while or confront it right away? It’s not that I’m not completely put off by this new sexual side, I just don’t know where it comes from. By saying something, I feel I might embarrass him or he’ll get mad. And honestly, it sounds like my marriage has issues, but it doesn’t really. We are very happy together and look forward to having kids someday, just not now.

So what are your thoughts? Would love to hear what you and your ex-girlfriend have to say. I can’t believe she’s agreed to this for you. I think it’s neat that you guys are friends. Thanks again and look forward to hearing from you.

Jo

Reality Steve: Sweet. Another potential snooper. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Although, in this case, unless its stuff that you just flat out don’t want to do, I wouldn’t say anything. Just go with it until you think it crosses the line and you feel like you’re making a mini-porn. Unless of course, you’re into that sort of thing.

You’re bigger issue is him commenting on the fact you don’t work. Did it not bother him enough before and now it does? You gotta find out why. Could be something very serious, or it could be nothing. But if its about work, that involves money, and money is the cause of most couples problems. Maybe he feels he’s getting a pay cut soon, or even laid off, and this is his way of throwing out there you need to get back in the workplace. Probably not the way any normal husband should go about doing it, but hey, it’s possible. Find out how his job is going and maybe that could lead you to some answers.

Jessica: First off, if his underhand comments bother you then say something about it. It sounds to me like things are bothering him and he has kept it in until now. Little comments like that are a good sign that your man is holding much resentment. I am the queen of little comments so take it from me, talk to him about it now before it gets any worse.

Second, more sexual is good. Maybe he is just trying to spice up your life together. “Same old same old” does get a little boring. Don’t look too much into it. Enjoy it until it starts making you feel uncomfortable. Stop second guessing things by wondering where they come from…women really need to shut off their minds every once in a while.

Reality Steve note: Is Jessica “the queen of little comments” like she says? Ummmm, yes. But hey, at least she knows it and admits it.

5) Please Dr. Steve, let me know what you think. I’m in my mid 30’s, never married, I think I’m attractive, have a good job, and own my own house. I just can’t seem to find the right guy. I date probably 2 or 3 times a month, and have dated some really great guys, and have dated some duds too. I usually get set up with people through work, or friends, and have even had a couple of online dates. I’ve noticed that most guys seem nice and interested in the beginning, and then for no reason, I don’t hear from them anymore, or the communication gets less and less. Like I said, I think I’m attractive. I’m not a waify model, but I’m not overweight either. I think one thing about me is that I’m shy, and maybe they’re taking my shyness as being someone who’s not interested? Is that possible? I tend to be a little overtly sexual too, like wearing low cut tops, and am definitely flirtacious. So I don’t know what is I’m doing wrong, but its definitely something. Anything I can do to help find Mr. Right? Thanks.

In Search of My Next Boyfriend,
Rhonda

Reality Steve: Since I’m not following you on your dates, I couldn’t possibly know what’s wrong here. Maybe what you think is “overtly sexual” is crossing the line to them? Although, I don’t know what man would be offended by a woman being overtly sexual. Other than Jake Gyllenhaal.

The best advice is just to keep doing what you’re doing and eventually Prince Charming will come riding in on his white horse and whisk you away to Never Never Land. Or wherever the hell he took Cinderella to. Did Prince Charming and Cinderella end up getting married? Do we know this, or was it never revealed? Did they have a one night stand, and then he left her to get with one of her older step-sisters? I think someone should update that story to make it more juicy. Pumpkins, and dresses, and horse drawn carriages, blah, blah, blah. Let’s add some scandal to that story. Like Cinderella walking in on a threesome that the Prince was having with the two sisters she hated the most. I should write movies.

Jessica: Whoa, you are shy AND overtly sexual? I think right there you are sending out mixed signals. A combination of both is good though, as long as you take out “overtly” from the sentence.

No, seriously, it doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong except for actively looking. I am very serious when I say no one should ever look for love. Every time I have looked I have been disappointed. Every time I have resolved myself to be single and not worry about it, I have met great guys. I know it is what everyone says but it is so true. Enjoy your life and your experiences while you are in them. Keep going on dates and have fun. Stop looking at the guy across from you as a possible “Mr Right” that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Guys can sense these things and nothing makes them turn tail and run away more than a desperate woman.

Hang in there, it will happen when it’s meant to.

Reality Steve note: Jessica and I werenâ€˜t looking for each other, and things just kinda happened. However, our relationship also began under circumstances that were different from I’d say 99% of couples out there. And I think she’ll agree, in the end, it’s probably what ultimately led to its downfall. From personal experience, my best relationships have all happened when I wasnâ€˜t looking.