Preparing for the Apocalypse: Tin Can Edition

The prospect of a no-deal Brexit is becoming a fast approaching possibility, one that is looming over our heads and striking fear into our hearts. One of the major concerns for anyone following the whole affair is the worry that supply lines will be disrupted, leaving our shelves bare and our stomachs empty. Whilst we have been reassured that supermarkets have been stockpiling what they can to avoid this potential catestrophe, it is inevitable that the first things to disappear off our shelves will be the fresh produce. What this leaves us with are meals in a tin – a necessity for any Duke of Edinburgh expedition and the dinner contingency plan of summative-stressed students.

We all hope it never comes to this, but one day they may be our only options for sustenance. We must prepare for the worst. And faced with rows and rows of tinned food, tummy rumbling, the choice can seem overwhelming. But never fear, for we have reviewed some of these long lasting delicacies to make your lives easier.

Our criteria were stringent, thoroughly evaluating appearance, smell, taste all of which we combined to formulate the ulitmate BUNKER RATING – the definitive rating of the best to worst tins to keep in your end-of-civilisation hideaway.

We had high hopes for this comfort food bargain – the tin promises a creamy, cheesy sauce. It lied.

Beth – “It smells like plastic, and it tastes like it smells. If you put saddness in a tin, this would be it.”

Hannah – “If I’d had to place a bet on what would have been best, it would have been this. Luckily I am not a gambling woman. It’s a revelation that anything that tastes this bad can actually be sold. I think the main takeaway from this whole experience is that pasta should never be put in a tin.”

Beth – “This curry could make a nation cry. If this really was an apocalypse, I would rather scavenge the radioactive wasteland for berries”

Hannah – “I have no idea how chicken that is literally sitting in liquid can be dry, and there certainly wasn’t any of the spice or flavour of curry. This was definitely the dish that most visually resembled vomit.”

Beth – “I had really high hopes for this because it looked like the inside of pie. Somehow it was dry even there was SO MUCH SAUCE. Having said that, I did keep eating it but I’m not entirely sure why”

Hannah – “The overwhelming taste left in the mouth was just disappointment. This looked and smelt really good. But the sauce was very far from the gravy flavour you really wanted and the chicken was really dry.”

Beth – “I could definitely imagine putting this on a jacket potato, which means it can’t be that bad. However I would like to make Tesco aware that there are spices other than cumin”

Hannah – “Despite looking pretty sad this was almost bordering on fit for human consumption. It didn’t really have much of the tomato or chilli flavour you’d expect, but the mix of vegetables provided a flavour and texture that wasn’t too unbearable.

Beth – “This was like if you made a full English into a soup, which I didn’t hate and I will say that the smell was surprisingly delighful, but I don’t think it will give Spoons a run for its money just yet.”

Hannah- “When the apocalypse inevitably hits, you will find me scampering the aisles of Gilesgate Tesco in desperate search for the All Day Breakfast. I would go so far as to say I almost enjoyed this and could potentially, in the darkest of hangovers, even consider purchasing this. Despite everything being disturbingly soft, the ‘chopped pork and egg nuggets’ were somehow actually enjoyable, and I could definitely taste all the elements of the breakfast.”

Beth – “I am no expert, but I thought this was okay. It sort of tasted like a dish from your average Indian takeaway, which when it is coming out of a tin I think is pretty high praise. It is one of the more expensive meals we tried though, which might make me hesitant to splash out again”

Hannah – “Despite being quite visually disturbing before heating, the appearance did improve and make an okay interpretation of a meal. There were lots of vegetables, however I found the flavour a little lacking, and it definitely got worse the second time.”

Beth – “This was definitely an underdog based on appearance and the smell – but compared to all the other tinned pasta we tried it was like Gordon Ramsey had made it with his own fair hands. I genuinely was pleasantly surprised with the taste, I ate quite a lot during the taste test. And, apocolypse aside, at 55p I would not be averse to buying this again for a Billy B lunch”

Hannah- “I’m still confused how this came to be the best when it looks so disturbing. The spaghetti was incredibly fat and short, and the sauce looked both watery and gritty. Yet, the flavour ended up being surprisingly meaty, and if the sauce had been thicker it would have been really quite nice. Although, I still am not a fan of what canning does to pasta.”

P.S. – in the interests of reducing food waste, we would like it to be known that we ate all of these tinned foods in their entirety (with the help of our housemates).

P.P.S. – Apart from the macaroni cheese, which we really could not bring ourselves to finish.