Empathy: What it is and how to grow it for the good of the community

Tuesday

Jan 15, 2013 at 12:01 AM

Empathy is not the same as sympathy or pity – it is more like seeing the person's side from inside their skin.

By Deborah Trierweiler

A recent article in YES! magazine talks about the human quality of empathy; that is, being able to understand how another person feels from their viewpoint, and using this awareness to guide how we behave. Empathy is not the same as sympathy or pity – it is more like seeing the person's side from inside their skin.

It used to be thought that humans are by nature concerned about ourselves alone. Author Roman Krznaric says the new science says humans are instead "wired for empathy, social cooperation, and mutual aid."

Empathy is important because it helps to make us more moral people, and because it improves the quality of our own lives as well as the lives of others. Empathy also is a valuable tool we can use to change our community and our society for the better.

While development of empathy begins in childhood, through close and secure relationships with the important adults in our lives from age zero to two, it turns out that empathy is a quality that can be practiced and developed our whole lives.

Krznaric says there are six habits that "highly empathetic people" have, which not only distinguish them from others but that we can learn from to become more empathetic ourselves. Here are his six.

Habit 1: Talk with strangers

Be curious about people outside your circle of family and friends, and talk with them beyond just a howdy-do. Set a goal to talk with one person a week you don't know, and try to see the world through their eyes.

Habit 2: Challenge prejudices and discover commonalities

Work to see people as individuals, not through the label we have for them. Look for common experiences, common problems, to bridge the gap between "them" and us." Discover what you share with another to overcome the judgment you might have about the group you lump them into, and what you think you know.

Habit 3: Try another person's life

Experiment with doing something outside of what you might usually do, with people you might not typically interact with. Volunteer at a food pantry, worship in a house of faith different from yours (especially if you are an atheist!), become a tutor of English as a second language. You get the idea … practice empathy where it may be a challenge, and outside your comfort zone.

Habit 4: Listen hard — and open up

Be really present to the person you are speaking with. Listen deeply for more than only their words – try to feel the emotions behind the words. And then be open and vulnerable enough to risk sharing your feelings with them.

"Empathy is a two-way street that, at its best, is built upon mutual understanding—an exchange of our most important beliefs and experiences," says Krznaric.

Habit 5: Inspire mass action and social change

Remember the public outpouring of grief and support for the victims of 9/11, the tsunami in Sumatra, the earthquake in Haiti and, more recently, the shootings in Newtown, Conn. These events can bring out empathy for the victims in each of us individually, but also can inspire the desire to do something collectively to change the situation for the good.

Habit 6: Develop an ambitious imagination

The ability to empathize doesn't stop with applying it to people who are living at the edge of our community and struggling – those who are poor, for example. We also must practice empathy toward people we disagree with, even people we consider to be our adversaries. If we believe in gun control, we need to practice all of the above habits with people who are gun enthusiasts – and vice versa. Developing tolerance is a way to work together to create social change.

Empathy is a means toward changing relationships. And this is what will change the world.