First of all, how awesome is it that the opening animations keep changing every week?

This is a brilliant representation of attraction’s inherent narcissism. Of course, this ground was already covered in the first episode of Rock of Love, but that’s OK. Scott Baio Is 45…and Single, is clearly just catching up. Better late than neutered.

This, too, is amazing. Apparently, Denise Richards’ feet freaked Scott out. He thought they were like flippers. Maybe she was into wearing pantyhose with open-toed shoes. You know, to give the illusion of webbed feet.

No matter. What seems like a non sequitur actually provides the basis of the episode: Scott’s scrutiny. We open with Doc Ali asking Scott what his type is.

Hmmmm. Let’s see. Pam Anderson. Julie. Renee. Heather Locklear. All of these girls have big…hearts. Yeah, that’s it. Oh and they also just happen to be blonde. That’s clearly what Doc Ali wants Scott to admit, but for some reason, he has a hard time doing so. Weird. Anyway, it’d be hard to argue with the fact that Scott has been with women that people would, by and large, consider hot. “Gotta walk in the room with the hottest chick, otherwise, what’s the point of walking in the room?” says Scott. But then, what’s the point of walking when you can be carried in like an Egyptian king? Hopefully, we’ll get to the bottom of that quandary next episode. Anyway, with some more prodding, Scott breaks down his “type” to Doc Ali: blonde, no bigger than 5’6, good body, nice rear end, imperfect teeth, sense of humor, nice rack, maternal. But just because he wants a mommy, it doesn’t mean he wants a wife. He explains his feelings on marriage like this: “If I don’t ever get married, I’ll never die.” On the contrary, Doc Ali feels that doing the same thing, year after year, is death. No it’s not. It’s a life of little deaths. And that’s not such a bad life, after all.

Anyway, the point of this conversation is to find out what is “perfect” to Scott. Doc Ali wants Scott to go to a matchmaker to be introduced to a woman against whom he can compare Renee. Keeping in mind Scott’s temporary monk status (he’s celibate, see), this will also present the opportunity to see if Scott can sustain a relationship with a woman he’s not having sex with. Scott’s reaction?

Scott has, apparently, accepted a new job as the face of blue balls.

Anyway, Scott meets his matchmakers.

Their names are Eva and Cheri. Cheri introduces herself second as, “her other half.” At first it’s like, oh awesome! Lesbian matchmakers. But then we find out that Cheri is actually Eva’s daughter. So that’s how things are in that family?

They talk with Scott about finding his perfect match. They’re not interested in “patterns” of physical attraction, but the internal qualities that Scott gravitates toward. These include warmth, understanding, sweetness and kindness. What, no malice and spite? Get out! Scott gets in some words about his physical preferences, too, and in the process, draws the unlikely but dead-on connection between the Creature from the Black Lagoon and a mammogram.

Imagine that in 3-D. It’s enough to make your nipples stand on end.

Scott then meets up with ex-girlfriend and fellow Charles in Charge star Nicole Eggert.

It’s amazing what a frozen frame can do to create the illusion of the perfect family, right?

Anyway, from their conversation, we learn that Scott’s a “next best thing” guy, which, apparently, is typical of Hollywood types. The preservation of the casting couch depends on that.

Later, Scott hangs with his brahs.

Ding dong! Pizza!

What seems like a porno scenario in reverse (it’s usually the pizza guy who boinks the babe, right?), is actually…

…exactly that! It’s unclear if she’s a hired stripper or if her uniform is just really scratchy.

Scott takes her into the back and we’re treated to a stop-filming-me moment.

Love that.

Now, usually when you catch a dude paying a woman in a hallway, it’s for services rendered. In this case, it’s so those services are never offered. The temptation is running way too thick for Scott, so King Blue Balls casts porno pizza girl out of his kingdom. Upon receiving Scott’s $200 offering, pizza girl says, quite awesomely, “You didn’t even see my pasties!” Kinda breaks your heart, no?

And then, it’s time for his match-made date. He brings Johnny V along just in case his blind date looks like Rosie O’Donnell. He should probably be more concerned about whether his date likes like Rosie O’Donnell. Girls who like girls are no use for such a ladies’ man, however ironic that sounds.

But she doesn’t look like Rosie, and so Johnny is sent away. She’s actually cute.

Or so it would seem for, like, three seconds before Scott starts taking her down. Her teeth are too perfect and she has the hands of an ape. Supposedly. Oh well, if you can’t marry her, at least you can use her for an exotic ashtray. Anyway, Scott realizes that this sort of scrutiny that he does is exactly his problem and that when it comes to someone like Renee, he actually enjoys flaws. He leaves this girl, now the second blonde in a row that he didn’t bang.

At the end, Scott receives a message from Renee: her daughter’s coming to town and she’d like for him to see her.

Let’s see if Scott can do 0-3. We’re pulling for him…but not like that.