John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

It's sad when those we love are no longer here. It's even sadder when we don't talk about them.

Q:

My Mom died in July, and now Christmas is here. This holiday season has been really hard for me. I didn't even put up a Christmas tree. Mom was always baking this time of year, and I would go over and talk with her all the time. I miss her so much. I've been crying a lot, especially today. How do I get through this holiday? Thank you so much.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your note and question.

We imagine that this first set of holidays without your mom here is very difficult for you.

The opening section of it relates to the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, but the second part is about dealing with the holidays.

We posted the same article on our Psychology Today blog. Interestingly enough, they have chosen a quote from my article to feature in the rotation of quotes at the top of their home page.

The quote is so relevant to your question that I paste it in here for you: “It's sad when those we love are no longer here. It's even sadder when we don't talk about them.”

Even though it may seem that it would have been painful for you to put up a Christmas tree, it would have allowed you to have feelings of missing her, but at the same time remembering her and talking about her with your other family and friends.

Think of it this way: It may harm you more to keep your thoughts and feelings bottled up inside of you, than to let them out, even with tears attached.

From this point forward, we suggest that you move toward her — even if it is sad — rather than move away from her.

You cannot go around, over, or under your grief, you must go through it.