Reader Question: My Husband is Trying to Deal with His Porn Addiction, but He’s Not Getting Better

Every Monday I post a Reader Question and then attempt to answer it. This week is a question that I get from many women, and in fact I had two versions of it last week. Here’s the first version:

My husband was addicted to porn. I would catch him, and he’d say he was sorry, but then I’d catch him again. Recently he’s gone through a big accountability program, and I think he’s clean. But I’m so worried about him relapsing. I don’t know if I can take much more of this. I’m just so exhausted it would be easier to leave. And what about my sons? How will they grow up to respect women and treat them well when their father watches filth where women are degraded? I don’t know how to get past this.

I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. Really. I know how betrayed you feel, and how disgusted that your husband looks at porn, and how utterly exhausted and spent you must be. It is a really long haul.

I think I’d say a few things:

1. Go with these facts

Divorce is really hard on kids. Really, really hard on them. Right now you’re the one who is in pain and who is suffering, but if you divorce, in a way you transfer that suffering onto them. And chances are your husband would have shared custody, and then your kids would be with him without you to intervene. That means that they could see what he’s doing on the computer. Right now you’re keeping him from using porn more than he otherwise would; if you separated, that would likely increase.

That doesn’t mean you should necessarily stay in the marriage forever; porn addictions can get so out of hand that sometimes a separation is the only way to jolt him into cleaning up his act. But at the same time, doing anything permanent has some really negative repercussions.

So that means that trying to make it work is likely the best option for right now.

2. Get some help yourself

You are carrying a lot. You’re worried about him. You don’t feel close. You feel lonely. And he can’t help you with those things because he’s an addict. So you need to surround yourself with a support system that you can talk to. And you need to get some outside hobbies or interests that can take your time and energy so that you don’t just worry.

Add some joy to your life, in whatever form you can. Really look for things that you can do to change the dynamic in your own life, even if he stays stuck, so that you do have something to get excited about.

Maybe start working out? Learn to knit? Volunteer at an animal shelter? It could be anything, but something that adds to your life is so important.

3. Release your boys to God

I can feel your fear for your boys, but honestly, what I have found in these situations is that the husband is often so disgusted with himself, and hates his addiction so much, that the last thing he wants is for his sons to get trapped the same way he is. Your husband doesn’t WANT to be like this; but porn has likely become his way of relieving stress and of feeling good about himself (ironically). It gives him that temporary high of feeling powerful, before the shame comes crashing down.

Just keep praying over your boys, and watch what they see on the computer, but I have often found that these kinds of addictions, if they’re being confronted and dealt with, do not often get passed down.

4. Work on your friendship

Perhaps this should have been #1, but really work on your friendship with your husband. Your relationship right now is characterized by a lot of negativity. Find things that you can do to laugh, and to add fun to your lives, so that the porn is not the only thing that your relationship is about. Start biking, or hiking, or playing squash, or gardening, or painting, or anything. But just do things together in a low-stress environment, so that when he’s with you he’s not always feeling like you’re mad at him, and you’re not always supicious.

Will this get better? I don’t know. It depends how serious he is about addressing the root of the issue. The Road to Grace by Mike Genung is really good at walking men through the two stages of healing: addressing the symptoms, and addressing the cause.

Other than that, all I can say is that some women have a LOT to bear in their marriages. It is really hard. There is no magic fix. And each day is a constant trial of trusting God that you may one day be able to build something intimate. And that’s lonely. But there really isn’t a good solution other than trying, as long as he is always being serious about doing the work.

I’d have a serious talk with his accountability partner, and get that partner to agree to be honest with you if your husband has ever given up or is just saying the right thing but doing the opposite. At that point, you may need something more drastic. But if he is trudging along, keep praying, surround yourself with help, and try to bring some fun to your life in other ways.

5. Is It Okay to Just Forgive his Porn Addiction and Move On?

What if the situation is a little different, though–what if he hasn’t relapsed? Here’s another letter:

Shortly after my husband and I were married I found that he had been addicted to porn. He’s stopped, and he lets me see his computer. He quit and he cried about it and he confessed it to me. I forgave him. I want to work on the marriage. But did I let him off the hook too easily? I want him to feel as if there are consequences to his actions. And how do I gain confidence again? I still can’t let him see me naked, and I still stiffen when he puts his arms around me. I think it’s because it all came out right after we were married, and we never had time to get used to each other. What do I do?

That’s a tough one, too. I’d say that forgiving him and moving forward is exactly the right thing to do–if he’s getting accountability and he’s totally open about his phone and computer. If he’s taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again, that’s wonderful. Don’t punish him for that. (A great accountability program is through Covenant Eyes; use code TLHV for the first month free).

But you still have the issue that you feel betrayed and dirty and not quite sexy enough now. Again, totally understandable. And the only way back from that is to do something that will benefit both of you: reclaim intimacy. Right now, after his porn addiction, he will tend to see sex in mostly physical terms, and not in terms of emotional and spiritual intimacy. And that’s why it’s become dirty to you.

So work at just being intimate. Try taking a bath together. Hold each other naked. Pray together in bed a lot. Just get used to each other. And practice forgiveness everyday. As you practice forgiveness, work on your friendship, and cling to each other more, you’ll likely find that you can trust him again.

It isn’t right to deny him the chance to see you naked, because that’s part of intimacy to him–and to you. But I know it’s hard. If you want some help to make it more natural, my book 31 Days to Great Sex can walk you through this, step by step, day by day, to help you increase your intimacy slowly. And it deals with this problem, when sex doesn’t seem intimate anymore. If you want help getting past this, I’d really recommend it.

Honestly, I have such sympathy for women dealing with their husband’s porn addiction. It is so, so tough. And there aren’t often easy answers. It takes a lot of work to rebuild intimacy, and a lot of work to break the addiction which often starts even before the marriage does. But God is bigger, and it is when we are weak that His grace and His strength show up the most, too. Just please, don’t despair. Lean on God. Get some great support around you. Keep praying. And then trust that no matter what happens, God will lead you and guide you and will bring you to a place of peace and joy again.

15 Comments

Great advice, Sheila! I think too many women want out of the marriage too quickly which causes so much devastation, especially to the children. It is a tough road but this life isn’t about our happiness, it is about bringing glory to God. Going through trials and suffering with God’s strength and His peace gives light to those around us and may even lead them to Him.Lori Alexander recently posted…Will You Take This Challenging Pledge?

I’m going to share a promise I made to my husband that totally turned a situation (relatively minor, but it was still hard and he really really struggled with it) completely around: “I will always forgive you, and I will never hold it over your head.”

Now before anyone goes telling me I’m a doormat and letting him just get away with everything let me explain. Whenever my husband’s issue came up it brought along crushing guilt and shame for him. If I wanted to help him, I needed to not contribute to it. So by making that promise I took a heavy burden off his shoulders and whaddya know, it became easier for him to deal with his issue. He felt enough shame and guilt. He didn’t need it from me too. Did I still get angry and feel hurt? Absolutely. I’m human. And he knows it. But I kept my promise.

Allow me to share one more thing. Something our pastor said during a sermon that really stuck with both of us. “Are you going to make decisions out of fear or faith?” He was talking about parenting but it applies to EVERYTHING. I get that you’re worried and afraid and I don’t blame you. But when it gets to the point that it’s consuming you like it is, it’s time to take a step back. God is bigger than all the fears. Are you going to let the fear drive you, or are you going to turn to faith?Melissa recently posted…Inside My Brain

Situation #2 is exactly where I was 4 years ago. It was so hard to trust and the feeling of betrayal was intense. My husband never has had a relapse which I am very thankful for, but it made me think that he was hiding it. There were two pieces of advice that greatly helped me.

#1 – I could not be his accountability person. He needed to know that someone was watching, but it would be too hurtful for me to find out in an email. This was more to protect me than him.

#2 – At some point, you have to stop checking the history or accounts or whatever. He could mess up. I might miss it. But, without trust, we could not move forward. This didn’t happen immediately, but I did get there. I still have times when something reminds me about it or I am feeling insecure that I check everything again.

Remembering my own sins and failings and how God always takes me from where I am helped to put everything into perspective. Being a child of God is the most wonderful thing in my life, but I constantly turn and run for the world. This picture made me see my husband as a child of God instead of my failing husband. And pray, pray, pray. Pray before hugging, pray before you see him, pray before bed, and pray before taking your clothes off.

I have a question, and maybe it is off-topic enough for separate consideration at another time, but, what about the husband whose porn use is occasional but longstanding, and who considers the use of porn at a moderate level to be acceptable, even marriage-enhancing? My husband introduced porn into our bedroom when we were newlyweds, and I was very young and inexperienced, did not have good guidance/instruction from my parents, was not a solid believer. This wasn’t often, maybe every couple of months at most. Over the years I suffered guilt, because I thought it was morally wrong, and also, with the ups and downs of pregnancy, etc., I suffered terrible body image problems and feelings associated with not measuring up to the bodies on the screen. Many times I voiced my feelings to my husband and he ignored them, discounted them, and now, denies that I ever complained and wasn’t a willing participant. We now have separate bedrooms and no intimate life at all, and if we ever talk about these things, he blames me for “ruining all his memories of the amazing sex life we had.” I believe that it is possible that he is still using porn and self-gratification rather than pursuing any interest in me. About two years ago he said that he would rather masturbate than be with me. As you might guess, we have many other problems in our marriage, but I believe this issue is at the root of them all. I am 50 and have 2 children left at home. Does anyone have any advice/counsel? I worry about my sons, because my husband actually thinks that porn has a legitimate place in a spicy sex life. He is not a spiritual leader in our home, but rather a very fun-oriented kind of dad who doesn’t practice restraint or delayed gratification in much of anything.

Scarlett, I’m so sorry. That must be so lonely, and I can totally understand worrying about your sons, too.

No, you should never, ever feel pressured to let porn in the bedroom, and I’m sorry that you weren’t taught that. You were NOT wrong to feel guilt, although I hope that you have also experienced God’s forgiveness for that.

At the same time, I’d say that right now, if you do nothing, you are enabling him to continue in sin (as I wrote here). A person cannot decide unilaterally to end their sex life with their spouse and use porn instead. That is simply wrong. And by having separate bedrooms and doing this, he’s got a free pass to do whatever he wants. I would speak to a counselor or a pastor and explain what is going on, and then ask for their help. Ask for them to support you, and to help you stand up and tell your husband that this is not acceptable.

I know that’s hard, but it won’t get better on its own, and by leaving it the way you are, in a way you are enabling the sin. I wish there were an easier answer, and I wish porn weren’t so alluring to so many, but I’m afraid that’s what we have to deal with. So pray so, so hard and seek out some counsel on how to draw some very real and very clear boundaries with your husband.

My husband has, in the past three or four years, rejected all involvement with a church body of any sort. Our older children were raised in an atmosphere in which my husband led our family and cared about his children’s spiritual well-being. That is no longer true. He pursues his own interests–if the children’s interests (or mine) fit in with his, then he’s on board. He says he believes in God but he does not doing anything at all to suggest that he truly does. I have tried, for years, to get him to church-based or other counseling but he refuses. He has cut off all friendships with the men of families in our Christian homeschooling circle who have reached out to him. At this point I don’t think he will talk with a pastor. He has his own social life (with good people, doing wholesome things) but there just isn’t any overlap with the rest of the family there. Yes, I am very lonely.

To the second wife, she doesn’t say how long they’ve been married, but I have a couple of additional thoughts– (1) Withholding yourself from your husband (not letting him see you naked) is not healthy– you say you have forgiven and “let him off the hook” but it sounds like you are still punishing him quite purposefully. And (2) “letting him off the hook” is basically the meaning of forgiveness– to no longer account a debt to a person, but to forgive the debt. Until you can do that, it’s really affecting you (and him) and your sexual relationship much more than you realize.Jess @ MakingHome recently posted…The Stay-at-Home Mom’s Guide to NaNoWriMo

I have been living with this same situation for almost 10 years. I was aware of the addiction prior to the marriage, but not at all aware of the degree by which it has held my husband captive. It has ranged in both degree and activity over the 10 years, and I can say that Sheila’s advice is SPOT ON!

The world, and even the church, will offer up “divorce” as an option in the case of infidelity as excusable, even lawful. But God’s Word says He hates. Sometimes divorce is necessary, but God’s plan is always about redemption. ALWAYS. It is an awful thing to see a broken mother in the face of a cheating, broken father. But it is also remarkable for a child to see the love of God and forgiveness lived out every day between two imperfect people…

Getting the help you need can be really challenging, but it is ABSOLUTELY possible. I’ve been advised to leave my husband and never return without his agreement to stiff penalties and impossible requirements. That does NOT a marriage make. Establishing trust in marriage is not just based on a list of arm-length trappings. Accountability for the spouse is key. Filtering software and even limiting software is HIGHLY recommended. Serious counsel with those who dwell in God’s Word is KEY. Not just a “pastor” or “counselor” but someone who is keyed into the Holy Spirit.

While I do not want to be a doormat, at the same time, God revealed His Will for my marriage to me: In. His. Word.

I sought Him out daily – even hourly – and heard Him speak to my heart what He wanted me to do. At the same time, I had many friends who lifted me up in prayer – without knowing all the details – and supported me through my decisions. Even when they did not understand, they entrusted me into His Hands and continue to lift me up in prayer to this day.

For me, the biggest challenge was entrusting my children to this situation under God’s watchful eye. I want to protect them – and when I have been stressed out from the strain of infidelity and worry and grief – I have wounded them with my impatience and fear and anger. I was worried about them suffering because of what their dad did, and my own wrestling sometimes caused them to suffer unfairly. Learning to let my children go into God’s hand has been key to allowing God to work in my marriage. I cannot control their dad and I cannot control what his actions bring into our children’s lives – but I can control MY response in this situation and can demonstrate trust in God and love for Him in my life.

At this time, my husband is in accountability relationships. Our computers and his phone have filters and monitoring software. I track our cell phone usage, including phone numbers and texting information. I ask him about anything that is unusual. I cannot control his thoughts. I cannot control where he goes or who he talks to. I cannot control his urges or inclinations.

I CAN pray for him. I CAN pray for our marriage. I CAN ask God to intervene and redeem what has been lost. I CAN trust God’s leading in my life and believe His direction, regardless of what others might say.

It is NOT easy being married to a repeat cheater. It is not a burden I would like to continue to bear. I want my husband to be faithful and my marriage to be God-focused and holy.

Pornography is UGLY. It is destructive – and it is a deceptive tool of an enemy who hates God and everything God has for us. It is a slimy weapon that the enemy wields and holds so many captive. But JESUS CHRIST has won the victory over sin, over everything that would hold us captive. His redemption power can bring freedom and forgiveness and wholeness. I firmly believe that this battle for marriage is fought best in the supernatural realm and praying Scripture over those caught in the web of pornography can battle in ways that nothing else can…

I found out about my husband’s porn addiction while we were dating (he actually confessed it to me out of nowhere, surprisingly), but I knew he felt ashamed and was taking some steps to stop, so I was somehow naive enough to think the whole problem would magically “go away” once we were married and having sex regularly. Obviously that did not happen, and even though I had prior knowledge of the issue I was still devastated the first time I found evidence in our computer search history (less than a month after our wedding). He was at work at the time, and when he got home I had my bags packed and was ready to leave. But my husband begged me to wait while he got on the phone with our pastor and told him everything, and we had an emergency meeting with him to discuss how to deal with the problem head on. In that meeting my husband explained to me that it was such a big part of his life, for so long (the addiction began at age 14, and when we married he was 31…so more than half his life already!), that he just couldn’t figure out how to stop when it was so readily available for free on the internet. He actually outright told me that I COULDN’T trust him in that area, and that we would have to work together in order for him to begin to recover from his addiction. The most successful strategy we’ve come up with so far (besides having monitoring/blocking software on his smartphone and our computer, and being aware of his “triggers”) has been one of open and honest communication. He asked if he could talk to me if he was feeling tempted, and I realized that I would have to be willing to listen to him when he was struggling, and not be judgmental or harsh with him about it but be loving in my response, and most importantly to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. That is something I still struggle with, especially since our son was born, although it does get easier as we go. I’ve come to realize that he had this addiction for years before he met me, even while dating other girls (one of whom was *actually* a runway model), so it’s really NOT personal even though it hurts when he slips up (which still happens, though very rarely nowadays). So I think, as difficult as it may be, the key could be just opening those lines of communication – assuming your husband would be willing to talk with you, and also be able to trust you to respond in a loving, helpful way. We are only 4 1/2 years into our marriage now, but I’ve gotten to a place where my husband can confess to me that he’s struggling (or even that he’s already slipped up in some way), and, even though it hurts, usually I will pray with him and let him know right away that I forgive him. I don’t always get this right, especially if I’m having a bad day already or just feeling down – I’m more prone then to give in to anger and hurt and react in a not-so-loving way. But overall he’s learned that he can trust me to just be there for him when he’s honest. Also worth mentioning, I’ve made a point (even though it’s the most difficult thing to do at the time) of making sure we have sex as soon as possible, as we both feel the closest when we are intimate that way. If there’s anything I’ve learned in all of the reading I’ve done, and in talking with others in the same situation, there’s nothing WORSE than denying your husband sex as punishment and/or to let him know how much you are hurt, because sex is so important to men and is the main way they feel loved and close to you. Denying him will likely make pornography much more tempting and harder to resist. And that’s just the truth, there’s no way around it.

I found out about my husbands porn use/addiction six weeks after getting married. It was by accident and my husband told me that I was all in my head. Since that point I have done everything I can to help him. I have never denyed him. I have read everything I can about this problem and passed on all the information to him. We have been in Christian marriage counsling for 3 years. He has an accountability partner and our pastor has also been involved in the process. The marriage counslor, pastor, accountability partner, and his mother are all at a lose. They have ran out of ideas to help him. I have forgave him even without him asking. I have tried to be as supportive as much as possible.

We had our 18th anniversary this year and all I can say is it has been such a waste of my life. I am in a sexless marriage due to my husband denying me. Not only does he deny me sex but, he refuses all physical contact. If I try to hug him he tells me he is not in the mood. The only time this changes is when we are in public then he acts like a normal husband. Due to all of this we have not had biological children. He says it’s my fault that we haven’t had kids, so I went thru fertility treatments and I am fine. We just only have sex maybe four times a year and that ended years ago.

He has nothing to do with me outside of the bedroom either. We never go on dates. He refuses to spend time with me or even talk to me outside of logistics. I have given up everything except for my faith and parents for him. I have no hobbies because he wont allow it. He is angrey all the time and blames everything on me even things I have nothing to do with.

Now due to my age I will never be able to have children. I am growing old and alone because I chose to stay and hope that everything would work out. It hasn’t. I am miserable and he refuses to stop the porn use and infact it just gets worse. Staying in long term is not always the answer. Once a person has tried everything then they need to let the other person go.

But if I can just use your story as an illustration, I want other readers to see this so that they can potentially avoid this. Getting healing from pornography does not just mean stopping watching porn. It means becoming whole again. It isn’t just enough to stop the sin; you have to actually change the heart and the mind and embrace the true sexuality that God gave you.

If a guy is not doing this–if he swears he’s stopped porn, but he still isn’t making love to you–then you need to get help from a counselor or a pastor, and you simply MUST do something to jolt him into doing the real work of healing. He may be comfortable staying in a marriage where there is no intimacy, but that is not good for anyone. It is not good for you, and it is certainly not good for him, either, because He is still holding God at arm’s length.

I would seriously recommend seeing a counselor and asking what the next steps should be, because marriage should not be an excuse to avoid true healing. As I’ve written about before, you are a spouse, not an enabler. And sometimes a temporary separation can make him confront his problems. Sometimes a counselor can. I don’t know. That’s where you need some advice in real life from people who can walk alongside you. But healing means complete healing, not just surface stuff. And he is still an addict if he is denying intimacy, whether or not he is still using porn.

My husband and I have been married since 1976 and we are both Christians and parents of 6 children. I became aware of his porn addiction in 1998, and since then it has been a rocky, up-and-down time of confrontations, lies, denials, promises, broken trust, anger, bitterness, counseling, forgiveness, and even physical abuse from time to time–you know the cycles.

But here is the warning for any man reading this: If you look at porn using company computers/smart phones, you may get FIRED! My husband, who worked for an energy company in Texas, was making middle 6 figure income and had a lot of responsibility. Four weeks ago, he was booted (just about literally) out the door. No severance, no pay for unused vacation (6 weeks in our case), denied unemployment, and lost all unvested stocks (valued at $1,000,000). (He was 2 years from retirement.)

Sadly, even today, he does not realize that his porn addiction was the reason for his humiliating firing. He keeps saying to me, “I have no idea why they fired me!” (I told him several times over the years that he could lose his job over this, but he would just scoff at that suggestion.)

Well, I know. I saw how involved he was on his computer during work hours. Many weekends he would bring work home telling me that he was so busy all week that he could not get everything done. But when I checked his work computer (that he brought home), I could easily see that he viewed porn sometimes all afternoon during work. Then his iPhone was another matter-daily filled with the disgusting sin. He has been doing this for years at every company he has worked dating back to 1996 when the internet was first used in his workplace.

The last 3 years, the Lord has done a great work in my heart, filling me with the most amazing grace that I can imagine especially pertaining to my marriage and the the porn issue. Unlike all the previous years, I have been able, thank you Lord, to approach my husband with grace and love each time I felt like I must confront this monster in our marriage. And he has responded to me with gratefulness and amazement at my new approach. It has taken the whole time for him to really believe that he can trust me in this–that I won’t turn on him and lash out as in years past. But his porn use continued and increased especially when his was issued a work iPhone.

I have not yet told my husband what I believe is the reason that he lost his job. I pray every morning, but the Lord tells me ‘Not yet”.

I found out two years ago that my husband of 15 years had a porn addiction. How did I find out? He told me. About a year before I pushed him into counseling because we weren’t getting along. I’ve done without intimacy for most of this marriage so I wanted something to happen. Well what happened was he lied to said therapist for a year which he told her that I was at fault and I was the one that had the problem but somewhere he came across a book called No more Mr Nice Guy which is why he confessed his porn addiction to me. I laughed and said no way but the sad truth is my husband is a porn addict. So far he hasn’t really gotten help I feel like I have allowed his non responsibility to continue because I did nothing to push him into treatment. Fast forward to today 2 years later and here we are. Couple of lapses. I caught him in a lie and he lied to my face but later confessed. I do not trust this man. He lied to me for our whole marriage and I didn’t have a clue. I filed for divorce and then put on hold for over a year and finally regrettably pushed in through to the bitter end. I thought the divorce might jolt him but no! We still live in the same house. We have a 16 year old son who has no clue to his fathers issue other than I’m always mad about something. I mentioned this article to him this morning and of course it ended badly. He accused me of bullying him and I accused him of being a victim. I need to figure this out soon. Can you help?

Sheila – just a reminder when you’re blogging about porn addiction, that addiction is in fact a symptom of a deeper problem – shame. If people don’t get help with their underlying shame, the addiction will just shift (ever seen someone quit smoking and gain a whole bunch of weight?). Addiction means numbing out from other emotions, not feeling good enough to talk about them to other people. Addiction is a disease, which I have, which needs to be treated by treating the underlying problem of shame.

Women should not be accepting of the problem, but the men need as much support and patience in recovery as possible. Wives and partners need help and proper trained support through recovery also. I know that some women don’t want to go through the pain, the heartache, the trauma, the betrayal, the rejection, the blame, and anything else they are feeling over and over again while their husbands try and white knuckle it for slightly longer and longer periods of time. Unfortunately, many of them will, until proper help is attained.

I’ve got 16 months of true sobriety – no lustful thoughts or fantasies, no masturbation, and no viewing of porn, including the stuff we get in the mail every week thanks to the store flyers we get for lingerie at big department stores. No food addiction, no drugs/alcohol, no media addiction. But I realize that it is only one thought, or click away. I’m grateful for the tools I’ve received in my various recovery programs, and for the Lord’s help every day.

Yes – the Lord can and does help and heal with these problems; but just as He does with a broken leg – we still need to see a properly trained doctor – the Lord doesn’t take away our opportunity to take some action in the process. Miracles still happen, but He expects us to do our part.

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About Sheila

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.