Our little Ben who has yet to lie with a woman (if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do even if he doesn't) has found the cause of rampant, out of control gayness in our society: reading about it. Yes, it's true. Reading about homosexuality can make you queerer than a Disney elephant. Says Ben:

Picture this: Your son goes to the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. The day before fall session begins, Billy tells you that he wants to major in English. It's not the most useful major, you think, but then again, it could be worse. So Billy returns to school with your blessing.

After finals, Billy comes home for vacation. You ask him what he learned this quarter. "I learned how to be gay," he answers. A stunned silence. "Yeah, I took English 317, Literature and Culture."

"You learned how to be gay in an English course?"

"Sure. The title of the course was 'How to be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation.' It fit my schedule. And by the way, there's this guy named Jim I met. I know you'll love him like ... well ... another son.'

Such a scenario may sound far-fetched. It shouldn't. "How to be Gay" is a real course at the University of Michigan. The course description states: "This course will examine the general topic of the role that initiation plays in the formation of gay male identity ... In particular, we will examine a number of cultural artifacts and activities that seem to play a prominent role in learning how to be gay: (including) camp, diva-worship, drag, muscle culture, taste, style and political activism."

There you have it: read gay literature...turn gay. It's the same for movies. Remember that wave of gayness that overtook the country after innocent young men were tricked into going to see Top Gun thinking it was a testosterone-fueled war romp? Total gayness.