bad jokes...

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

I see this 'Bad Jokes' thread has stagnated a bit over the last few weeks. See if I can revive it.
Bon weekend.

A mother had 3 daughters, all were getting married within a short time of each other.
Because mum was a bit worried, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was.
The first card was from her daughter on honeymoon in Hawaii, it read just 'Nescafe'.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went into the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It read, 'Good to the last drop'. Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from USA, it read only 'Benson and Hedges'. Mum knew from her husband's similar pack of cigarettes, she read, 'Extra long, King Size. She was slightly embarrassed, but happy for her daughter.
Mum waited a week and had no card from the third daughter. Another week passed and still nothing. Then finally, after a month the card arrived. Written on it in shaky handwriting were the words, 'British Airways'.
Fearing the worst, mum got out her holiday magazine, and flipping through the pages finally found the ad for the airline, read it and......fainted.
The ad said, 'Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways'.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person who could work weekends and evenings. She had one eccentric characteristic about her (which was unknown when she was hired). She wore very short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items.
The item that had previously been the least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen was raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost shelf.
One day an elderly gentleman came into the bakery and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realised she had not asked him what kind of bread he wanted. So she asked "raisin?"
"No, he replied, but it's beginning to twitch a little."

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art Patek Philippe Tourbillon watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man puts the watch to his ear, listens, shakes it, & explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, you arsehole.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's blokes like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ...all in the name of humour".

Flustered, the ventriloquist starts to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

The teacher was taking an English class and decided on the word fascinate to start the lesson.
"Now children, who can make up a sentence containing the word fascinate?”
So Mary stood up and said, "My mum took me to the beach and I saw a lot of sunbathers, and it was fascinating".
“No Mary, I said fascinate", exclaimed the teacher.
Sarah stood up and said, "My dad took me to the zoo and I was fascinated"
”No Sarah, the word was fascinate", replied the teacher.
After a brief pause little Johnny stood up and said, "My sister bought a new blouse with ten buttons on it, and because her boobs are now getting so big, she can only fascenate".........

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsagent to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the sales girl, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.'
'About 32' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29. 'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the cashier this burning question. She responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man with a Veterans badge on his lapel waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 68 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a certain and fail-safe way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are..'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.... How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50. 'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''

I promise I won't' she says..........
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>'I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds.'

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but also a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*@# YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Men – pass this onto all your mates and the World will become a nicer and calmer place to live.