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Author
Topic: Hello I am new to this site. It's been 4 years coming. (Read 4139 times)

I am 30 years old and have been HIV+ for almost 5 years now. It's very hard for me to even say that or to become synonymous with the letters HIV or POZ. It's taken me this long to realize that I have not used all of the resources available to cope with the pain I have suffered at the hands this disease and the events that happened right before and after getting HIV.

Today, I am in a spot of where I feel like I can't go on any longer without healing more of myself. I have realized that I have no one to relate to in my life about HIV. I've never taken the opportunity to talk to others about living with this disease. And that has done me nothing but harm. I don't know anyone with HIV and have never sat down and talked to anyone that is in my shoes.

Now I'm trying to reach out to those that have experienced this disease first hand. Because I need your help and your support. I just need others to talk to. I cannot do this alone anymore and I hope that by being on here, I can truly begin a process of healing and help others as well. Thank you.

Anyway he said something that really struck me... He said that humans can't really "heal" alone. Oneself. Its something that surprised me and maybe would surprise a lot of people.

The interviewer said what about a therapist, and he said, exactly, thats my point, thats a relationship and the therapies that work, there is mutual trust and the therapist is looking out for you, and you can count on the therapist.

Anyway, it was mostly about couples but the point was, he thinks that its the "transactions" between humans - real transactions - especially being in the same place and observing each other, communicating, dialogue, watching the eyes, maybe a touch here or there. He claimed that this is mostly the way people can "heal" the hurt they have vis-a-vis other people. Because we are social beings... You hear kindness, concern, acceptance, it really does help.

So in a sense, remember HIV maybe left you hurting in your relationship with yourself, but also, theres either a real problem between you and others, if you can't bring yourself to talk about HIV or to just "be" HIV+ with others. Real, or feared, or imagined. Doesn't matter.

And I think you are going to get better through communication and relationships with others. SOmeone is going to help you reset, by their good reaction to you, their kindness and humanity, and they'll recognise you are still you and just a little bit added (HIV+) another facet.... I think this can be very healing, makes the "new you" already 5 years old at this point, just seem more ordinary and relaxed. HIVing HIV, it it was it is....

I hope you get some of that here, and that you find a way also to let people take ALL of you in, in real life as well.

« Last Edit: July 22, 2013, 06:05:26 PM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry things haven't gotten much better for you. I am glad you came here. This is a great place to feel you're not alone, especially when that's the case in your personal life.

I think many members don't have fellow poz friends in their everyday lives. That's why forums like this are so important to them. So, please share whatever you feel like sharing, and even the things you don't. I do feel we all need at least one person in our lives, who know we have this virus. Hopefully, that would be someone caring and supportive. If that isn't possible, then forums like this really are a good substitute, until we do find at least one friend or family member to discuss things.

Thank you so much OneTampa. I'm glad to hear that I'll find a lot of caring on here. I know that I need a lot of it in order to heal properly. Your friendship is very much welcome and thank you for the hug .

Mecch, I cannot express how thankful I am for the time you took to reply to my post. I need to loosen up a lot about this subject and be more open and accepting of it. There's still many in my life that don't know about me being POZ and it's so hard sometimes to carry around this dark secret.

The closest people in my life do know about it though, luckily. Including my current partner of course. I am finally going back to seeing a therapist starting tomorrow. I started seeing one when I became POZ but I haven't been able to go since then. I'm also beginning a Men's Group for depression and anger. It's not an HIV group unfortunately, but I think it'll help regardless.

That sounds like a great podcast though. I'm definitely interested in that sort of stuff. And of course, being in a relationship, that might actually be very helpful if that's a main topic for the podcast.

I fully believe now that no one can heal alone. I think that's why so many of us carry around so much damage and scars. I used to think that I could get through anything on my own. Now I know better.

I'm actually a very warm, sensitive, affectionate person, so I need human interaction a lot. Affection from others and giving it. So I believe fully in everything that you are saying. I think the world would be a much better place if we all let ourselves connect with each other in those manners.

Luckily, I've had majorly acceptance and caring from others that I have told about being POZ. It's still very hard to face it though with them knowing and be able to be open about it. I feel like I just need to talk about it more. With everyone.

Tednlou2, thank you so much for the warm welcome. I do feel very alone and I have since becoming POZ.

I have never had a POZ friend so I have never had anyone, ever, to relate to about living with this disease. All of my closest friends and my immediate family know about me being POZ. But I feel the lot of the time like none of them really know what to say. They have all been helpful in support and love and trying to get me to focus on things that will make me happier, but in the end they don't know what I'm going through. I'm happy none of them do, but I still need others that I can relate to like this.

The podcast is about everything. JUst the last two episodes were with the couples therapist. Have a listen. It was one of the more helpful episodes. Some of them are too far out there for me.

As you have explained more, it seems like quite a few people know you are HIV+ so I think you have the circle of support in place, its just massaging it a bit more to get the support you need.

You seem to want a HIV+ support group but I guess there's not one available to you? In any case, this forum helped me alot because it's all HIV+ people and it helped me chill out and normalise the new reality.... So use this forum but also Im pretty sure you can get support from the people in real life too. Troubles are troubles, someone who has a different challenge or something troubling, then your own, might be able to listen and empathise and show support.

You know also its a two sided challenge. You might find as you get easy with your HIV+ status, you'll see that many HIV NEGATIVE people have their own challenges about HIV, and those are their challenges to meet.

We wouldn't be subjected to bias, fear, discrimination, moral judgement, if the HIV- people didn't have that. So its their burden and responsibility, smallness, lack...

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Mecch, yeah when I have a free moment, I'm going to check the podcast out.

I do have a good circle of support, I just need to branch out a bit. In the world and inside of myself.

And yes there aren't any close by where I'm living right now. So it will be very interesting, not to mention a huge push for me, to open up to a bunch of guys that I don't even know and tell them about what I'm going through. Probably none of which will have HIV. But you never know so I guess we'll see. I am trying to relate to others that have been through traumatic experiences. People around me. I didn't start though until now. It's good though.

And yeah I have a huge problem with how ignorant people are about HIV. I guess I was before as well though, so I guess I can't blame them. The only thing I can keep doing is exposing people to it so they learn more about it and the knowledge spreads. The opening up is a hard thing to do though. One step at a time I guess.

Welcome and greetings from London and Orkney. I mostly use the LTS forum .I Think you made a good move joining in and I would imagine from the large amount off Guest,s reading our posts many more are thinking about it.Yours m

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Thank you and greetings to you too Theyer . Nice to speak to someone in another country. In Canada here for the moment. Yeah it's crazy how many read the posts, but may not even be members. Whatever helps them I guess though. It's been nice finally talking to those that are going through what I am.

This is a fantastic place to get and give the support we all need. It is like a large, extended family, and as such, at times you will see tension flare up. However, focus less on that and more on how, when the chips are down, folks rallying around other members and you will see members who don't appear to get along, go to great lengths to provide support. It is one of the wonders of this place.

Would love to hear more about you, when you are ready. What area of the world are you in?

Thank you bocker3! Yeah it seems to be. I've definitely seen a little bit of what you are talking about. I'm happy to be here though and finally being able to talk to others about my issues. I would definitely love to talk more. The more people I have to turn to for advice, the better. I'm going to send you a regular e-mail ok.