Female Troubles: Dear Santa, by the way ...

Jean Wood

Tuesday

Dec 21, 2010 at 12:01 AMJul 1, 2012 at 10:30 AM

I just wanted to let you about some things happening in our region as Christmas Eve approaches.

I just wanted to let you about some things happening in our region as Christmas Eve approaches. I would hate for you to run off-schedule because of a couple of legal oversights in the state of California. Things probably are a whole lot simpler at the North Pole, a place where mere survival trumps things like bureaucracy, but us Californians pride ourselves on not having much commonsense.
If you are thinking about letting your trusty steeds quench their thirst in a fresh stream, you should know that because of the ambiguousness of the word “substantial” you will need to file an Incidental Take Permit (available by e-file!) with the California Water Resource Control Board just in case your team accidentally alters or diverts the stream bed by misplacing a rock. Don't be startled by the man in the bushes with the binoculars; he is a government employee and is monitoring in an official capacity. And yes, to answer the frequently asked question – night-vision eyewear is standard issue for California state employees.
Also, you probably need to check with the California Dept. of Fish and Game to see if your domesticated wildlife can even drink from the stream. If it serves the use of any endangered animal, vegetation, bacteria, virus or spore, it is off limits – even to you, big guy. By my current calculations this leaves approximately 25 known areas left for the watering of livestock. You might just be better off buying some bottled water – and we discourage the purchase of the Nestle brand. Those enterprising bloodsuckers.
In order to observe legal interstate travel with your reindeer, you will need the following to cross the California border: a completed health certificate by an official veterinarian, a negative tuberculosis test certificate, proof of current vaccinations, brand inspection, proof of purchase and negative mad-reindeer certification. The nice people at the Ag Inspection Station will stop you for this information. They also may inspect the sleigh for any fresh fruit or large, out-of-state purchases. California Board of Equalization audits are so messy and easily avoided by simply purchasing all toys for the good California girls and boys in-state.
Which brings me to my next warning. There is some serious talk about establishing a national monument in our Siskiyou County area. I think you should consider this a NO-FLY ZONE – just to play it safe.
Now that I think about it, you wouldn’t want to go there anyway. Any day now the wolves will be making an appearance. They look majestic on the National Geographic Channel but less impressive when they are taking down one of your reindeer. If you want monetary compensation for loss of livestock (Rudolph seems the likely target), you will have to have it confirmed as a wolf kill, which means you will have to search large expanses of territory for the remains. Oh wait, I do believe that the warden is furloughed due to budget cuts, so you’re on your own with the wolves.
On a personal note, I know that my son asked you for “water rights” for Christmas and that maybe that might be something outside of your expertise so I think he will settle for a new pair of Muck boots and some beef jerky (as long as it is certified organic jerky, of course).
I hope that my helpful hints don't deter you from entering our great state and visiting the children of Siskiyou County. Unemployment is up, wages are down, and there are a whole bunch of people going hungry this year. I heard that our governor-elect Jerry Brown asked, “I just wish I knew where we went wrong?”
Take care, Santa, and if you need bail posted for any of the above offenses, don't call me. Recession or not, ranchers are always broke. Try that nice lady who owns eBay; I hear she's loaded.

Siskiyou County native Jean Wood, a third-generation Gazelle rancher, is the editor of the Cascade Horseman and Cascade Cattleman magazines. She works from the Siskikyou Daily News office. She can be contacted at jwood@siskiyoudaily.
com.

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