Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

DOLLY PARTON IS PERHAPS ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY

HERE WE HAVE DOLLY PARTON, just coincidentally posing with Queen Latifah... another woman who is perhaps absolutely not gay.Photo/CreStock

Here in Toronto, all anybody can talk about is how Mayor Rob Ford (and therefore his manitou brother, Doug) was turfed out of office yesterday over a conflict of interest. But the rest of the world is obsessed with much more important matters.

I refer, of course, to the issue of Dolly Parton's sexual orientation.

In an interview on Nightline last night, Dolly was presented with the persistent, recurring rumour that she's gay. (Which must really suck for Dolly. For the first 30 years of her career, she had to laugh off the boob jokes. Now it's all lesbian questions.At some point the woman must just want to say, "Look, I've had two thousand hit songs and I've been famous since before dust was born. Could you maybe ask me something about my damn music?" But no, Nightline doesn't deal with that kind of piffle. They want the dirt. The hard stuff. The goods. Cough it up, Dollybird! Is you is or is you ain't a lesbian?)

Dolly responded that she and her BFF Judy Ogle have been bosom buddies since they were children (so, even during puberty!?!) and that they have a greatrelationship but are not "romantically involved." Surely, Dolly said, just as Oprah's boyfriend of 26 years is "proof" that Oprah is straight, Dolly'shusband of 46 years is pretty good proof that she's straight too?Then she immediately clouded that logic by adding that her husband "is not the least bit threatened by the fact that I might be gay."Oh! Er, that you might be gay? So ... you're gay? Or not?I'm not sure what the psychology is behind Dolly's bizarre public denial that she is gay, but the effect it had was to immediately make me wonder whether in fact Dolly might be gay. And if she IS gay, all I can say is: couldn't you have told us sooner? Because we might have been able to stomach the image of you and your best friend naked and having it off 25 years ago when you were FORTY, but now? Please. Our systems were not meant to cope with that kind of visual.

Oprah's note: Dolly, I love you like you're my own gay sister, but would y'all just leave me out of this? Editor's note: Gayle King is your sister?

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.