PlanetFargo

Mars Needs Gamers

We return to our exclusive coverage of the first manned mission to Mars. Be sure to read last week's installment for the first part of our three-week series chronicling gaming's greatest accomplishment. This week we'll take a look at the incredible voyage through the void.

A Blue Earth Receeds

Before the startled town of Zelienople could react, Brody and his friends were no more than a speck in the sky. For one night, if you were to look toward the horizon with binoculars, you might have been able to see a silvery speck as it made a single pass around the blue planet before zipping off into the cosmos. Mike, the pilot for the mission, explained their flight plan.

Mike: What we were gonna do is just kinda whip one around the Earth --

Steffie: Like when we'd do doughnuts in my dad's pickup.

Mike: Right, we were going to use our momentum to pick up some mad speed, just sorta wing one --

Brody: We were gonna totally Tony Hawk dat bitch!

Mike: Ordinarily a mission to Mars takes like eight months, but so far it's just been a one-way trip with robot probes. We needed to get there and back before we ran out of pizza, or the orbits brought the two planets too far apart. So we picked up some speed and made the trip to Mars in five months each way, ten months for a round trip. We had to move fast because we figured they'd have released Neverwinter Nights by now.

Mike steps out of the capsule to take a leak on the first leg of their journey.

A Long Voyage

Comparing computer power of the moon landings vs. today

Still, five months can be an excruciating amount of time in close-quarters. There were logistical problems to solve, problems that have daunted NASA for years. But the crew was prepared. Dev, the onboard HaX0r, explained:

Dev: Back in '69 they landed dudes on the moon with less power than a Commodore Vic-20. Totally ridiculous. On board our ship we loaded that sucker up with four overclocked celerons, and a PII-266 to use as a Counter-Strike server. There was enough computer power on that thing to take us to Jupiter and back, twice.

Fargo: It's been well documented that one of the biggest problems facing any expedition to Mars is crew boredom. After Soviet cosmonauts logged even just a week aboard the Mir space station, they began getting testy with mission control. Five months with four people inside a capsule smaller than a one-bedroom apartment must've taken its toll. How did you handle the stress?

Dev: Again, we're gamers. It's unprecidented. We just brought along copies of Diablo II and Baldur's Gate II. Those things take months to solve. And we had four players, pretty sweet for a game of Counter-Strike. And Unreal Tournament has bots, so we could get some ripping games of team assault going. Hell, we coulda gone ten months each way. No problems here.

Steffie: That's TOTALLY untrue.

Brody: Aw shite, here it comes.

Steffie: All I wanted to do was play The Sims. So, for the first month out, I'm playin' the Sims, and they're all playin' whatever. Then the second month, Mike starts looking over my shoulder every ten minutes, saying, "What are they doing now?" "Did you build the new patio yet?" By the third month, Him and Dev and Brody all had their chairs pulled up around MY computer, and they kept yelling at me, like, "Make him clean up the dishes!" "You're not going to put the couch there are you?"

The Sims meet Mars

Dev: Look, the couch was gonna block the way to the fridge. I mean duh.

Steffie: Pretty soon these guys are all playing The Sims and I can hardly get onto my own computer. Then one day I find out BRODY KILLED MS. HOTPANTS!

Brody: Look, I didn't kill her.

Steffie: She died!

Brody: She had this cough, or some sniffles or something, maybe 'cuz I bought her a guinea pig. Suddenly WHAM! She drops to the ground. So ... you know, I took a picture and stuff.

Steffie: You saved the game! Why didn't you just restore the old game?

Mike: So yeah, they got into this huge fight when we were almost to Mars. It was sick. Brody drew a white line down the middle of the ship and said, "This over here is the Brodyzone. The other side of the white line is reserved for whineypants."

Dev: We were supposed to pick sides, but I mean, what could I dor If I sided with Brody, I wouldn't be able to play The Sims anymore.