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Giant Novelty Foam Hands! Giant Novelty Foam Hands!!GIANT NOVELTY FOAM HANDS!!! WOW! Can you believe it? No you can't! Wanna know why? Because it's unbelievable! It's a miracle! I mean you have to see this deal we have going on! All for only $999.99!!!!![1] I mean, this is just a solid golden platinum deal if I've ever heard one. You don't just see giant novelty foam hands of this kind of quality for a price like this. We really should be charging more, but since my superiors and I here at Giant Novelty Foam Hands Incorporated value a quality product more than the bottom line, we slashed our prices like an angry teenage girl slashes her wrists, which judging from the outcries of my daughter, is quite a lot!

Giant Novelty Foam Hands? What's in it for us?...!?!??

Well, I suppose I could really get a laugh out of the guys at Jim's party...

What's in it for you? What's in it for YOU? I'll tell you what's in it for you. Social status. Political power. Omnipotence. Laughter in the office. Foam is also good for the environment.

In this day and age, it's important not to get left behind with the times. What with the economy the way it is, and political turmoil all over the place, you need a secret weapon. You need something that can turn everything around for you. Whether you own a business or are stuck competing in the rat race with Machiavellian coworkers, you need something that can grind your competitors into gravel, that can mercilessly crush them, leaving you sole victor over all the spoils of victory. That's where giant novelty foam hands come in, but for the LOVE OF GOD BUY THEM NOW!!!

In fact, I personally guarantee that if you buy Giant Novelty Foam Hands today, you won't regret it. I am so confident in our product that if you don't like it after 30 days, not only will I give you back all of your money, but I will personally murder my own five year old son. And you know what? I actually kind of like him, so you know how serious I am about this deal.

My Story

Buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy!!!

Seven years ago, my life was a mess. I was going door to door, trying to sell empty boxes of girl scout cookies I had found in a dumpster. Every penny I saved went into crack and later when I was really broke, rubber cement. My sex life consisted of raping alley cats and masturbating to the pictures of missing people on milk cartons. I weighed 500 lbs. and brushed my teeth with a bottle of Thunderbird and a bath scrubber that I found outside in the dumpster of a Bed Bath and Beyond.

The first real breakthrough in my life happened when I was outside of a high school basketball game begging for change and yelling misogynist slurs at the cheerleaders. I saw a child walk out of that game with a giant novelty foam hand. The hand only had one finger in the air, and that finger said "#1". I had never seen a child so happy in my life. I had never seen somebody so fulfilled. It was at that moment in my life that I realized that I too, could be number one, and it started with collecting giant novelty foam hands. I promptly pushed the child over, took his foam hand and ran away.[2]

From there I started selling crack instead of using it, and when I had saved up enough money, I started up Giant Novelty Foam Hands Incorporated. Since then, I've never been happier. I'm more than just a spokesperson for Giant Novelty Foam Hands. I'm also their number one fan!!! It worked wonders for my life, and it can DO THE SAME FOR YOU!!

I'm still not totally sure...The Giant Novelty Foam Hands we have at home work just fine.

It's free, goddammit! FREE!

If you buy two Giant Novelty Foam HandsRight now I'll also include this Giant Novelty Foam Cowboy Hat, a $3450.00 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Again, that's a $3450.00 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Why are you still thinking about this? Why are you still deciding, debating, considering? Go buy one now!

This is the best deal of your life! This is the best deal of anybody's life! Even Jesus would shut up about the kingdom of a heaven for a few minutes to buy one of these.

Absolutely free? How can you do that?

What other reason could you possibly need to buy? Giant Novelty Foam Hands are all you need to live the perfect life!

How you say? HOW??!? I'll tell you how! I am certifiably, hysterically insane! This certificate here even shows that I broke free from a mental hospital!! I escaped because I didn't like the jello they served there in the cafeteria and they didn't let me wear my GIANT NOVELTY FOAM HANDS! I made a gun materialize out of thin air using only my willpower! Before leaving, I forced them to print this certificate of my insanity at gunpoint, just like I'm forcing you to buy my GIANT FOAM NOVELTY HANDS at gunpoint RIGHT NOW! Can you get a better deal than that? The only way you could get a better deal is if I threw in my internal organs, absolutely free! In fact, that's not an entirely bad idea!

Oh my God! Cheryl, get down!

Look at the quality of this thing! Also, my life is in your hands. No pressure.

If you buy my novelty foam hands within the next 20 minutes, you'll get the choice of two of my internal organs, absolutely free! It a deal to die for! If however, you don't buy, you will have the weight of an unnecessary suicide on your conscience! It seems like an easy choice to me.

You get the GIANT NOVELTY FOAM HAND, the GIANT NOVELTY FOAM HAT, two internal organs of your choice (which sell quite well on the black market), 24/7 tech support, and now also a free mint I found under my couch! All of this is estimaed to be a $100,000 value, but today you get all this for the low low low LOW price of $999.99 What a deal! Are you quivering with delight yet?

I'm sorry. We're only casually browsing for Giant Novelty Foam Hands at the moment. Perhaps we will come back.

Oh. Okay then. Have a nice day.

Did you get the sale?

No boss, sorry. I know I didn't try hard enough. I know, you're docking it out of my pay...Here's your tie back, by the way.