It is common practice in our house to let Chuck lick our food plates once we are finished with our meals. He likes to pretend that he doesn’t notice that I’m preparing dinner, will come up next to my legs and slowly press his body into my shins while I’m standing at the stove as if to say, “Excuse me, but did you realize that I’m not even paying attention to the fact that there is a pound of ground beef cooking in its own fat a foot above my head? Look how calmly I am ignoring it.”

We use mealtimes as a way for him to practice his patience as well, because he’s not allowed to lick a single drop of leftover food until he has performed a series of tasks, usually a “sit,” a “roll-over,” and a very long, exaggerated “wait.” A few months ago I posted a video of Chuck trying to roll-over before being rewarded with the pot I use to cook spaghetti sauce, and since that video he has become so anxious about the reward that he will automatically and uncontrollably start rolling over — and over and over — when I reach up into the cabinet and pull out a plate, like a furry, floppy-eared steamroller.

Last week I got a pretty disgusted email concerning this when I mentioned that Jon put his clogs in the dishwasher, and that I thought it was gross:

You let your dog LICK THE LEFTOVERS OFF YOUR PLATES AND POTS AND PANS. EEEEUUUUUWWWWWW!!!!!!! As evidenced by video!! The same dog you openly share who has eaten your childâ€™s shit off the floor. I can only hope and THEN assume that you then also run said dishes through the dishwasher. That is far more disgusting then [sic] Jon washing his clogs in the dishwasher.

My first response to this email is: somewhere a sad document is crying because this person’s email stole all its exclamation points. My second response is: after Chuck has eaten shit you can THEN assume that he’s not allowed to lick our plates because I’m busy using his tongue to floss between my teeth. Give me some credit.

And can I just take a moment to say how thankful I am that most of my readers are supportive and non-moronic? That when I posted about Jon washing his clogs in the dishwasher, most of the email I got was moderate and thoughtful in its use of punctuation, that only a handful of them accused me of being an opportunistic whore for complaining about a stupid little sore on my arm when so many other people are going through much bigger and more meaningful problems. My only response to those emails is: do you really have nothing better to do in your life than write a complete stranger to tell her that her cancer isn’t serious enough? Really? Because my toilet needs to be cleaned, and I volunteer you.

Thank you, majority of my readers, for letting me have my moment of freak-out last week.

Recently Chuck has been licking our plates across the floor, often from one room into another. I once gave him my plate after I had eaten a burrito, and when the melted cheese wouldn’t come off he licked the plate from the dining room through the kitchen, around the corner into the hallway all the way under the door into our bedroom. Jon stubbed his toe on the plate that night as we were getting ready for bed, and when he asked why there was a dinner plate on the floor in our bedroom I said, “YOU try licking hardened melted cheese off a surface without using your hands and see which room you end up in.”

The other night we had a frozen lasagna, and afterward we let Chuck lick the cardboard tray it was cooked in. He was so determined to eat the cooked sauce that was stuck to its sides that he licked the tray underneath the dining room table, through the legs of a chair, underneath the piano bench, and then back through the legs of another chair. The dog is serious about his crumbs.

Related:

My Dad had a basal cell carcinoma cut out a few months back and I freaked when my Mum told me. As usual I looked it up on the ‘net only to find out that it can be life threatening if left untreated. Panic ensued. You have every right to freak out.

If it’s any consolation, I know how you feel because when I got my golf ball sized pituitary tumour diagnosed someone told me:

‘Oh, I don’t know what you’re worried about, it’s benign’

My response was ‘Oh hello, want to swap? How about you go through potentially life threatening surgery and radiotherapy. Want to see the 100 staples they put in my head? W*nker!’

I hearby promise to voodoo curse anyone who mocks you for freaking out about your skin cancer.

I should clarify that I don’t actually know any voodoo curses but I’m pretty sure if I use my evil powers of imagination I can think of something pretty disgusting. My current experience of voodoo is to shout ‘VOODOO’ at traffic lights when I’m waiting for them to change. It works like a dream.

jonsagara

Nice. We normally don’t let Homer lick the plates, but this July 4th we decided to let him lick the Cool Whip lids after dessert. Notice the wide eyes:

Cute dog. But, I couldn’t stop looking at the floors. I have floor envy.

Thank you, Heather, for being brave enough to share the sucker-punches that life has thrown at you.

U.B.

Gotta love the Chuckster. Dogs are typically bad at geometry, or he’d be heading for a corner right away.

We’ve always been kind of preachy about not giving our dogs people food. In general, the richness of human food is really bad for their heart, digestive system, etc.

But my kids recently totally ratted my wife out that she was sneaking meat-based leftovers to our dog that tends to be too skinny because she’s a psycho. But that doesn’t keep her from rolling her eyes at her parents, who wonder why their dog is fat, as they shovel gravy and pork chop fat into his bowl on top of his vet-approved amount of kibble…

http://www.jenireno.blogspot.com Jeni

Just know that the majority of your readers get you and your sense of humor, and you are allowed to freak out when the word “cancer” is introduced!

http://www.kitscrittersferretrescueandshelter.com Ezada

I let my dog Shian do the same thing, though I usually brace the plate/pan with a couple of chairs. Though it dosent help some of the time. Honesly I find most people to be more disgusting then Dogs and would rather Shian Lick the plates clean then have certian people I know eat off them.

I about fainted when I heard about your arm. I don’t give a flying F*** what anyone says, any form of cancer is serious and you should be allowed to freak out in anyway you see fit. My Father in Law had cancer on his nose, its all taken care of now but at the time it was scary as hell. I don’t know what your going through but here is a big *Huggles* to you and your family.

http://wendymacblogs.blogspot.com Wendy Mac

Some people have no life!!!! They must send hate-filled, anonymous letters to feel better about themselves!!! And to waste punctuation!!! And poor grammar!!! I can’t take it!!!

Heather, I am so sorry people are such jerks.

In other news, your dog is hilarious. After reading your posts about training Chuck, we have finally hired The World’s Best Dog Trainer. Well, at least, The Best In Our County.

The dogs are upset at no longer being in control of the household, but man, when I tell them to sit-stay before getting to eat, you better believe they do it!

Hope you are feeling well, you guys have been in my thoughts and prayers.

http://crumleydotorg.chattablogs.com mrscrumley

We have less shit to clean off the floor because of our dogs. We trained them to go into the bathroom when we eat and it even got to the point that they would retreat there when we were fixing our meal. Once we are done eating we call them and they lick our plates. It’s called the pre-wash cycle. Now when Fuller is done with his meal he calls out “May-poh! May-poh!” to indicate that Maple may now come out to lick his plate. We also eat similar lasagna and get the same push and lick action from both our dogs.
And as an aside, our son is 21 months old and he already is in charge of feeding the dogs. He loves to open and close things, so he enjoys opening the food hopper when he notices the bowl is empty.

http://www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com Chantel

They’re sooooo – going to turn you into the PETA people. Then Pamela Anderson will stand naked outside your door.

You know that’s not a bad idea-you can piss off the Mormons and PETA at the same time!

mania72

Maybe it was the crocs in the dishwasher that CAUSED the skin cancer? Huh? Did he ever think of that!? (And don’t get all technical about the spot being there before the crocs, the two are obviously connected.)

I get irritated when people try to use their misfortune to guilt others. My aunt who could never have kids (very unfortunate) would say things like “Well at least you have them…” when I complain about the horrible behaviors of my three children. Instant guilt. My oldest child is a survivor of Leukemia. It would never occur to me to say “At least your kid doesn’t have CANCER,” when a friend worries about her child’s fever/injury.

And to all the sanctimommies out there… In the words of an inspirational woman I know, “You should stop eating Twinkies.”

http://katefolsom.com kate folsom

You know, I was thinking of writing to you and telling you that your cancer is stupid and I could kick its ass. There are people RIGHT NOW whose cancer is, like, 100 times the size of yours and these people also have scurvy and are on fire, and you’re whining about some itty bitty widdle cancer? On your arm? Plenty of people live without arms! Me, I have no limbs whatsoever and you will NEVER HEAR ME COMPLAIN.

http://poohbeargs.blogspot.com M.Thom

We used to have a basset hound that was smart enough to put his foot on whatever plate he was licking, thereby avoiding the slide around the room. Our current basset hound? Not so smart. She often loses plates under the couch…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/24392469@N00/ DravenStele

Pleeeeeeeeeeease use some of the other, lonely, unused, and ‘underprivileged’ punctuation, people; they need your help and sympathy… “\][}{+-)(*&,

Thank you for your attention. We will return you to your regularly scheduled leftover-licking.

(No exclamation points were hurt in the making of this comment. But that’s only because they behaved themselves.)

http://www.snickrsnack.com Snickrsnack Katie

I barely ever give my dog any human food, but when I do, you would think I was feeding her for the first time in three weeks. She can sit and stare at her Nutro all day long without a reaction, but you throw a plate with turkey and gravy on the floor and she will lick the plate for hours. Even long after the food or sauce or any other remnants is gone. It is like she is licking up the aura of the food, as if to capture just one more tiny fragment of the goodness.

Dogs always have a way of making us feel like we are horrible, horrible people, and that we should be ashamed of ourselves for ever dreaming of giving them dry dog food containing chicken lips and ass and other byproducts. When her sad, sad eyes look up at me from that plate that is licked dry of the turkey and gravy, I feel like the biggest heel.

Chuck rules. I wonder how far he would go if you put a plate of peanut butter on the sidewalk? I bet he could make it clear across town!

http://pioneerwoman.blogspot.com Pioneer Woman

It’s against my religion to use more than one exclamation point in any one sentence. Or paragraph. Or story. Or email. Or post.

nicolelise

I can’t believe it took like 100 comments before someone started listing foods that are TOXIC! to DOGS! Is this a new record?

Thinking of you, Heather. And Happy (early?) Birthday

http://sarahkite.blogspot.com sarahekite

Aw, what a great video! (See, only 1 exclamation point, this time).

MissKitty

Heather, some people have no lives and way too much time on their hands. So Chuck eats off your plates? SFW? I’m sure you wash ‘em afterward. As for your cancer, those hateful c**ts must be stupid as well as meanspirited. They don’t know all of the facts, and reading this site doesn’t give them the right to tell you how to live your life. People like that are the reason I could never blog, and I applaud your openness and courage.

drewalter

Chucky man is a hungry dog!

http://www.billygean.co.uk Billygean.co.uk

Ah, my stupid cat used to do that with a foil lid that squashy cheese (it’s actually called that) smell was left on. ONCE he put his paw on the lid, but only once. He never did learn…

Billygean

http://www.eastsidegirl.blogspot.com east side girl

I just got a puppy, and even though she’s just a baby, she’s learned to stand up against me in the kitchen while I cook, waiting for scaps of food to fall. Last week, she got a piece of fennel. And some chicken. And some goat cheese.

I’m a messy cook.

I read your post last week about the cancer. That is shocking and scary for sure, and my thoughts are with you.

http://modadimagno.myshopify.com FashMags

I love Chuck videos. Don’t take any crap from any crazy @ss Internet users – we love you, be strong, fight the cancer.

xoxo from Boston

PixieMegh

Poor Chuck… all he wanted was cheese.

Tell Jon that if he wore flip-flops or normal sandals his toes would be impervious to a little toe-bump from a plate. Clogs are turning him into a wussy.

And freak out about your little cancer all you want… because cancer is still cancer.

Loved Leta’s photo yesterday btw. Those cheeks are just yummy.

http://prozac-mommy.blogspot.com Mack’sMom

My uncle had polio as a child, so at 60 his legs are extremely frail…

When I was a child he lived with us, along with his dog Meynard. My uncle always had HUGE open sores on his shins and he’d let the dog lick them. I remember thinking that was the most disgusting thing in the world. He explained that there was something in the dogâ€™s saliva that kept the sores from getting infected. The sores were a constant thing for him, so he was always having to medicate them….with his dog, it was free medication….and oddly enough, the dog enjoyed himself.

SarahsMama

I love the way he can move around and bend his body under and around anything without missing a lick. What a talented pup you have.
You have plenty of people that love you and as many people that complain,come back and read you again and again, not because your bad but because…
YOU ARE THAT GOOD!

http://vindauga.typepad.com Lisa V

It drives me nuts that people won’t remember that rule from Bambi “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it.” Then my rule, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, but it’s funny, then go ahead.”

I am sorry that people seem to take off their tinfoil hats and put their meds in a pez dispenser before emailing you.

Chuck is the cutest.dog.ever. And I think we have the same dining set.

As to the hygeine of letting the dog lick the plates- whatever. I am of the dirt won’t kill you school of thought and our dog eats her own dinner off the same china we do. Obviously, we wash & run through the dishwasher between meals no matter who ate off the plate but still.

And to the complete asses that had the gall to send you anything even remotely negative in regards to your sharing something so traumatic to yourself and your family- give them a great big “screw you” from Cali. I cannot believe that someone could have such a withered soul and pitiful existence as to send something like that to a STRANGER who is known to be a wife & mother dealing with such a scary situation. GAH!

*big hugs* to you & yours.

Take care,

Tabitha

http://www.xanga.com/SeamlessIntegration Sally

I sure wish my belly skin didn’t jiggle when I laugh this hard. ‘Cuz I think laughing this hard is sexy until the belly jelly jiggles.

http://www.sarahshevett.com sarah

Welcome to people. I am surprised you haven’t met them yet. I sure have,

Laura Horacefield

There is a Mythbuster’s episode where they tested the bacteria in a dog’s mouth, human’s mouth and cat’s mouth. The cleanest mouth…DOG. Eat Chuck! Eat!

rachelle

jackie, that is really what i was trying to say so thanks for saying it so well.

http://www.q.t_pi@hotmail.com Jezzie

Rochelle…way to play that off like you didn’t think she was serious. But, sorry ….DUH.

Let me not be the first to say that there are some seriously DUMB individuals running around in the world, the ability to puchase a Dell and sign online does not validate intelligence whatsoever. Am I right? Being in cyberspace just means a new venue to vent stupidity.
Luckily, we have Dooce,and Jon, and some other neat unrepressed people who are comfortable enough with their own humanity to bring the rest of us a little moment of light, and spark our compassion for others.

Happy Birthday Heather, tell Jon and Leta to kiss that boo-boo and make it better. Anyone with a problem with this one-of-a-kind woman can kiss my entire cyber ass. Email me and I’ll set your punk ass strait.

ps….has Leta seen “All Dogs Go to Heaven” yet? it’s a classic Jez

taullimom

Heather – Man, you always brighten my day! I think that we have walked a mile in similar shoes. Thanks for making me laugh and for making me feel more normal…you have a beautiful family.

twisted

With a dog like Chuck, who needs a dishwasher? And if you train him to lick Jon’s clogs, you may never need to buy Cascade again.

http://verycontrary.blogspot.com/ Mary Craig

We have to be careful not let the dog lick paper plates because after he hoovers the remaining food off, he’ll start to eat the plate. Because apparently the juices from whatever he has eaten have soaked into the plate and made it edible.

The furry little weirdo.

http://pandemoniuminmyhead.blogspot.com Pandemonium

I am in love with Chuck! Don’t get me wrong, I love my dog of 10 years too, but the first time I saw Chuck, I became green with envy. He is so gorgeous sometimes he doesn’t even look real. I want one!

As for cancer… I freaked out for you when I read your post that day. Big, spitty, frothy raspberries to anyone who thinks ANY cancer is more important than another. I’m feeling as though they would change their tune if they were standing in your shoes.

http://www.ranitngsinred.com coffeygirlb

Oh, man that was great! Complete and total ART!!!!!! with many exclamation points!!

nicklebee

Go Chuck! My cat would love to lick that lasagna dish and routinely devours any melon (who would have thought the cat would eat cantalope?) or items containing any bit of tomato sauce that I’ll let her have. Although she is a tad daintier about her eating habits.

She also enjoys my morning oatmeal with me, usually by me sticking my most-likely dirty finger in to give her some. Sometimes we get civilized and use the spoon. I wonder how I manage to make it through the day…

Best wishes for you Heather and try to ignore the people who just don’t seem to get it.

I live in a house with 3 pugs who consider it a crime against nature if they can’t “pre-wash” the dishes before they go into the dishwasher. It hasn’t killed us yet so what’s the harm?

The best of luck with the cancer situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And your freak out was so justified. Cancer is cancer is cancer if it is a pea sized spot on your arm or a basketball sized tumor. No matter the size it is scary, serious, and totally worth a freak out. Now go get better.

Leon

Dearest Dooce (and the entire Blurbodoocery for that matter);

I sincerely hope, if you haven’t done so already, that you are covertly archive categorizing every post and the corresponding asshat-e-mail it generates in the hopes that it will act as an invaluable teaching tool to help the Frog Princess avoid the path of asshattery;

“See here Leta, this is a textbook case of clueless jealousy, masquerading in the dogma of concern for all mankind”

People can suck it. They can suck all of it. They can have their fill of sucking, and then suck some more.

I hope you keep telling yourself something like this everyday.

I’m not a mom. Will never be a mother. I’m not a dad. I’ll never be a father. But I LOVE the Armstrong experience, the writing and the candor. I can’t recommend you guys enough to enough people.

I’ve never felt closer to people I’ve never met. I get the joy of kinda sorta being a part of your family day to day, without the horror of figuring out how to make Leta stop screaming, Blurb stop explaining or Dooce stop her latest pooping story.

Continued health, happiness and success Armstrongs. The internet loves and owes you guys.

BTW – I think Chuckles may be on to something here. “Leftover Licking Croquet”! I think we should get the X-Games people on the phone.

http://joeythegirl.blogspot.com/ Joeythegirl

I can’t get enough of your videos! Very entertaining.

We have a Pomeranian that loves my yogurt left overs. I will start out letting her lick the inside of the Yoplait container while I’m holding it, but once she gets her nose in there, I can’t help but let go and watch her walk around like a drunk with the container stuck on her nose! You can hear her tongue going 100 miles an hour, desperately trying to reach the bottom.

Tana

My dog Lucky is why I don’t have to rinse my dishes before they go into the dishwasher.
We also have a routine, he sits under the table and the nanosecond someone even looks like they are going to move he runs to the kitchen and sits on the rug in front of the sink. It’s the rule that he can only eat when he sits on the rug first.
Lucky has figured out that if he puts his paw on the plate/pan it won’t travel around the kitchen.

http://katefolsom.com kate folsom

ortizzle, you fool, I didn’t SAY that having no limbs was funny, or that cancer was funny. I didn’t even say that scurvy or being on fire are funny. I was pointing out the frame of mind people must have to be in to say “your problem isn’t that bad because there are problems that maybe could be *worse*.”

Like saying lung cancer is *worse* than a fairly treatable skin cancer. Well, yes, I suppose it is– it’s certainly more likely that the former would kill you. But there are people in the world who would say that because Heather doesn’t have lung cancer (or isn’t on fire with no limbs) she has no reason to complain. Those people are stupid, and I was making fun of THEM, not people with terrible ailments and afflictions.

You obviously have no concept of irony whatsover. Having a sense of humor is helpful in this life. You should work on acquiring one.

I wonder if there’s a physical link between compassion and empathy and punctuation abuse? Maybe they’re in the same part of the brain or something.

I really wish I could enjoy my food as much as the former congressman does.

thleen

Hi Heather,
Plate chasin’ puppies are fun. My dog loves the rice pot. He sits down with it.
So, yeah, I’d rather eat off the dishes washed in the dishwasher with Jon’s clogs and all the dog licked dishes THAN believe that people actually email you to tell you your cancer is little.
Mean people are weird.
thleen

http://www.bigcitysmallworld.blogspot.com Brian

As always, you are a brilliant comic writer. Thanks for the laugh. (!)

aubriane

I must confess, this entry left me more than a little disgusted… Until today, I wasn’t aware that there were people in the world who were delusional enough to believe that there are problems “bigger and more meaningful” than cancer. Or that they have the right to decide which problems these are. Plus, the cancer was getting bigger! Who knows, maybe it would have someday reached large enough proportions to register on these people’s “meaningful meter”!
But kudos to Chuck, my dogs are forced to lick and scratch at popcorn dropped in the spaces in our deck.

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