I know that yesterday, throughout the day, I would look at the clock several times and think:

this time five years ago, I was laying on the ultrasound table, Anna and Noah in the room, when the tech typed out “no cardiac movement.”

this time five years ago, I was driving home knowing I’d have to head to the hospital soon to be induced to deliver my babies who were no longer alive.

this time five years ago, I was eating a sandwich. Because my doctor told me to eat a sandwich before heading to the hospital. I ate a few bites. I can’t believe I ate at all.

this time five years ago, my doctor came into my hospital room, it was the first time I had seen her since receiving the news, she said “I’m so sorry.” and I looked at her, my heart pleading with her to tell me that someone was wrong, I said “what if you’re wrong? What if they come out and they’re still alive and then they can’t survive because they’re too young?” She replied by bringing an ultrasound machine into my room, showing me the lack of movement. The lack of life. For the second time that day, my own life felt like it had ended.

and right now, at this very moment five years ago…

I was sitting in a chair, still waiting for labor to start. My priest came into my room, maybe to give last rites? I know he prayed for the babies and our hearts and I know I appreciated his words but they weren’t soaking in at all, they just floated out of his mouth and landed on my skin. I felt something deep within me, a pain, a cramp…a contraction. I sat and listened and responded when I needed to but for a few moments I was the only one in the room who knew that labor had begun. He left and I let everyone know. It came on strong, fast, hard and lasted a long time.

Since I only had c-sections, this pain wasn’t a familiar feeling to me. I can remember the intensity of the pain and the knowledge that once one contraction ended, the relief would be brief. I remember my OB offering me pain medication, I declined it. I was so focused on spending this time on my boys knowing that in all of my life this experience was all I had with them, I wanted to feel it, no matter how painful it was. I miss that pain so much.

And the pain that I feel in my heart today, five years later, I hate it and I wish it didn’t exist, I wish I had just dropped them off at preschool, can you imagine? Those sweet twins walking into preschool together? My heart misses that dream so much. Everyday I get through it, my mind moves to other thoughts, another stress…but today, it consumes me, every inch of me. This pain I feel in my heart today is mine FOR them and it will remain there forever and I take it and I love it because somehow it’s theirs. It’s ours. Intertwined together.

My doctor came in later that evening. She broke my bags of water…they were in my arms shortly thereafter. And then we slept, the four of us, in a cold, quiet, dark, solemn room. Or maybe it was a warm room but their bodies were so cold. My heart broke that as their Mom I couldn’t make them warmer, no matter how hard I tried. The sun began to rise and I knew they’d have to physically leave me soon. But emotionally, mentally, they are forever with me. I’m so grateful for that.

I hope and pray that if they know anything right now, I hope they know how loved they are. How much we miss them. How we continue to grieve but also how we continue to LIVE for them, to live the best life we can…because we can. They’ve taught us so much and that will never, ever change.

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement through comments or emails or Facebook messages. I appreciate the time you all took to share your heart with me. (although, the incessant, ignorant and, of course, anonymous commenter I could have done without, but that’s okay, that’s why I moderate my comments now.)

I know that news like that can shake you up. It still shakes me to my core, I’m still shocked by all that is happening, even though I’ve been living it minute by minute since last year. But it’s okay. I’m okay. We are all okay. I promise you.

I think it’s time I update you on something that is happening in my life.

Brian and I separated back in July. We filed for divorce in November. We will finalize in the next few weeks.

This process, for both of us, has been very difficult yet very peaceful.

We’ve opted to make this as private as possible because it’s simply about us and our children. We learned very early on that some of the worst effects of divorce comes from people not involved with us directly.

We are still a close knit family, just in a different way. Every week, we have dinners together, we laugh together, there is much peace among us. We truly are doing what’s best for the children, in every capacity.

I hope you’ll respect our request for privacy during this process. I just felt it was time to share, as many things will be changing (we’ll be selling the house, etc.) and I’d like to continue writing here.

I’ve had a fairly relaxing day. The babysitter came. I worked a bit and then I went shopping. For me. By myself. I bought some skinny jeans, I tried to buy boots. I bought a pair of socks. A big cable knit sweater. Some tanks tops. and probably a scarf. or two.

Every year my kids’ birthdays I do a birthday interview. I wanted to interview myself but it got awkward during the first question so I had the bright idea to enlist the help of Anna and Noah. When I said “aaaand go!” they looked at me like anything they said would be wrong. It took a few moments to get them warmed up but they did just fine.

(Anna) Mom, do you like One Direction? ummmm….yes. but not nearly as much as you do. Not even close.

(Noah) What do you want to do when you’re 36? Good question, Noah! hmmm…I don’t know. This year is going to be interesting to say the least, so I guess I want to make sure I keep my cool throughout. I’m also interested in seeing my business grow.

(Anna) Why do you like photography? Oh, I love capturing pretty things and pretty people and beautiful moments.

(Noah) What do you like about your kids? I love how soft and sweet they are. I love the way Eli and Clara’s breath smells when they wake up. (sorry big kids, you’re not part of that goodness.) I love the way Clara copies everybody and everything and I love the way she loves to wear only her diaper. I love the way Eli says he wants to “be like Clara” which means he wants to take his clothes off. I love how he sings and plays. I love the way Noah takes time out every night to play with Eli, even if it’s on electronics, he involves him. I love the way Anna loves to be hugged by the babies. I love the way she’ll wake up grouchy and tell me she just wants to snuggle with me in bed.

I’m hosting a contest over on my Beth Fletcher Photography Facebook page – it’s for my clients in 2012. You can vote for your favorite photo in the album – the winner wins a canvas and a free session in 2013. It’s really fun. I’d love it if you added your vote, too! Voting ends tomorrow (Thursday 8pm cst) Here’s a peek at some of the awesome that’s over there.
Lucky for you, not every client opted to participate, I can’t imagine how hard it would have been to choose. I’M JUST SAYING.