Peter Pan to spearhead Hollywood war on piracy

The war on piracy took another dramatic turn today after the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) announced that Peter Pan will be spearheading their latest anti-piracy campaign.

Pan is seen as the obvious appointment by many, boasting a glittering CV of conquests against pirates who operate in intangible realms. However, MPAA's past record of ludicrous anti-piracy measures has cast serious doubt over the likely success of any future campaigns.

The globally maligned Hollywood fraternity has been the subject of intense ridicule in recent months, quivering in the wake of its failed attempt to push SOPA through the US House of Representatives. A post-mortem examination of the bill allegedly discovered that its failure was largely due to what MPAA described as 'xenophobic playground bullying'.

"We found that nobody actually knew what SOPA was but they knew they were supposed to have an opinion." A spokesman revealed. "Naturally they looked to the coolest kid in the playground to help them form an opinion; a swift wedgie delivered by Google left them in no doubt."

He continued, "We realise now we made a grave error - not only is SOPA ginger, he's also clinically obese. He never stood a chance. That's why we've taken decisive action to get Peter on board. He's experienced and ruthless with pirates, but most importantly he has a social standing on par with Zack Morris."

The new campaign is set to replace the "You wouldn't steal a car" advert on all new entertainment discs, after industry experts linked the tenuous slogan with a sharp increase in automotive theft.