Sleeping With The Enemy

If you’re just joining us, Diane is my beloved mother. And she is utterly obsessed and preoccupied with toxicity. As in which of our household items / furniture / clothing are laden with toxic chemicals. Let me cut to the chase…they all are. Every single item we own, be it dishrag or sofa, is poised to kill us. This week her soap box has been reserved for Mattress Off Gassing. Never heard of it? Me neither. At least I hadn't before the barrage of text messages I received this week warning me of this lethal hazard. Weird to get texts, I didn’t know that she knew how to use her cell phone. She never answers it.

If you slept on a non-organic semi-reasonably priced mattress last night and woke up this morning, congratulations. According to Diane, you have beaten the odds and cheated death.

Long story short: mattresses give off toxic gasses. Toxic gases lead to imminent death. I made the mistake of asking her if she personally knew of anyone who had gone to glory via mattress gas inhalation. This annoyed and launched a lengthy explanation. Hours of internet research has convinced her that mattress off gassing can inhibit intellectual development.

“I wonder how much these mattresses have diminished your mental capabilities? It’s possible you might be far smarter without all these years of sleeping on these deadly mattresses.”

What can you say after your mother tells you the mattress she bought for you has made you dumb? Apparently the reason for my B- in Honors Algebra was not Mrs. Roten and her lack of interest in explanation. I was high on mattress fumes.

So of course she is replacing every single mattress in our home to salvage whatever is left of our rotting intellect, right? Wrong. She is prepared to replace only one mattress. ONE. The one used maybe 7 nights a year by children who are not hers. Everyone else can die from fumes or remain stupid.

I give up. If you need me, I’ll be in my room getting loaded on my mattress.