[Incoming Transmission From The Future]

To whomever may be listening: it is imperative that you put a stop to the NFL lockout. The consequences of a prolonged work stoppage are more dire than you could ever begin to imagine.

At the time the lockout commenced, it was thought that the worst that could occur was perhaps that a full season of the NFL would be lost, stripping billions from the economy and leaving tens of thousands of wage workers, whose livelihood depends on NFL games, without a source of income. While these did in fact happen and are unfortunate, it turns out that they should be the least of your worries.

What fools we were. Had only we heeded the warnings of warrior-priest-hierophant Mike Florio. For it was he who prophesized that without the steadying guidance of the NFL, its erstwhile players would engage in untold acts of violence and mayhem, leaving only heaps of corpses and leveled towns in their wake. His words were met with swift and unstinting ridicule at first. But it wasn’t long before the world witnessed the realization of his doomsaying.

As the months passed, petty episodes of violence and isolated fits of malevolence worsened into full-scale acts of terrorism and anarchy. We underestimated the civilizing force that the ownership and coaching staffs had on these beasts. Even players once thought to be utterly moral and God-fearing transformed into rapacious monsters. With my own eyes (before they were later ripped from their sockets by Patriots corner Devin McCourty) I saw Tim Tebow and Larry Fitzgerald bite through the jugulars of an entire district of schoolchildren. They wouldn’t even settle for ripping their throats out with their hands. They had to use their teeth. If only my mind’s eye could be blinded as well. I don’t wish to see those images anymore.

Even as the violence escalated, military and civilian leaders were unconcerned about the threat, despite Florio’s continued pleas for sanity. After all, what match were a few hundred genetic freaks against the National Guard or, if needed, the rest of the Armed Forces? Of course, it wasn’t only the Pandora’s box of drug use and violent crime that was thrown open by the lockout, it was all kinds of conduct unbecoming of the league, specially sex. Antonio Cromartie and Willis McGahee could have increased the size of their fighting force tenfold on their own. When the players didn’t wish to risk their own bodies to topple the government, they had at their disposal a vast legion of unhinged fanboys willing to put love of Adrian Peterson above their own family and country. A regular human shield would have been effective enough on its own, but one so fat and blindingly pallid turned out to be immensely more impenetrable.

It is tragic that we lost the great Florio during the early stages of this struggle. He was betrayed by the very owners whom he wished to fellate one-by-one before expiring. It was not long before the players seized control of the government and all the resources that came with it. Again they were undone by their untamed animalistic urges. Jared Allen caused meltdowns at a dozen nuclear facilities only because he liked the sight of the explosion. A few players – gritty and deceptively fast ones, preached for order by Tweeting #SMH – but they too were cut down. One piece of Wes Welker’s body flies in front of every state capital as an example to traitors.

Now all is left is The Resistance. Who knows how long we will be able to hold out? Our supply of diversionary white bitches runs ever thinner. Once that cache is exhausted, we may be forced to live out our days in seclusion underground, only emerging to feast on the ample amounts of food that these uncontrollable behemoths waste daily on a whim.

Who’s Miguel and where can we find this “supply of diversionary white bitches?”

By: DancingBaptist

03.28.2011 @ 3:23 PM

Ahh Fallout New Vegas. Come for the radiation and return to the F1 and F2 theme, leave because of the constant crashes. (At least the plot made more sense than F3)

@J4Beats, I believe said ” bitches ” are at the beck and call of one JERRAL ” WOOOOOOEEE I AM FEKKING CRAZY ” Jones.

By: porky1

03.28.2011 @ 3:25 PM

“One piece of Wes Welker’s body flies in front of every state capital as an example to traitors.”

+++++

OW-AH PAHRSHUN OF WELKAHHH’S BAWDY HAS MOAH HAHHT THAN ER-AH-YOURS! BECAUSE WE HAVE HIS FACKIN HAHHT!

By: Upstate Underdog

03.28.2011 @ 3:33 PM

I learned two things by reading this:
1.) What the word “hierophant” means
2.) Florio is still a fucking idiot

By: Bugg

03.28.2011 @ 3:38 PM

May the Lord save us from the prolific seed of Cromartie, lest he be asked to list his numerous offspring, nay his multiple consorts. Rumor has it but a mere glance from Ol’#31 can impregnate an errant fair maiden.

By: RAMS ZOMGZ

03.28.2011 @ 3:38 PM

Utterly fantastic.

By: bark

03.28.2011 @ 3:43 PM

James Harrison has ripped Ginger Goodell’s brainstem to pieces. Long live the uprising!

By: Duck of Death

03.28.2011 @ 3:48 PM

The players became self aware!

By: intrusivity

03.28.2011 @ 3:48 PM

Patrolling the lockout almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter.

By: FavreFAIL

03.28.2011 @ 3:55 PM

They even attacked their own kind. Brady was defenseless when the yellow flag supply ran out.

By: BigJimSlade

03.28.2011 @ 3:58 PM

Is this a follow-up to “The Cornerback Survival Guide”?

By: IamEpicWin

03.28.2011 @ 4:01 PM

Roger Goodell will quell the raging apocalypse with merely a stern glance, then PK will extoll his manifold glories, and his epic valiance and virility, and regale us with tales of his heroic daily workouts. Remember this man once halted racial barfights with his steely gaze.

I’m thinking about getting a vasectomy just so Florio wouldn’t be able to fuck my spawn.

By: Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

03.28.2011 @ 5:21 PM

Chad Pennington attempted to rip a child’s throat out with his bare hands but only succeeded in breaking his own wrist.

He is expected out for the Apocalypse for the next 4-6 weeks.

By: Reggie Bush's Pimp

03.28.2011 @ 5:25 PM

Fallout New Vegas and NFL player violence = two great tastes that go great together!

Somewhere out in the wasteland, there lives a cult of worshipers who bow before the image of their god and cut their face to be closer to the one bearing the Mark of Divinity.

ALL WILL ACCEPT BREESUS OR DIE!

By: Table Scraps

03.28.2011 @ 6:00 PM

Ave, true to Goodell.

By: Spanky Datass

03.28.2011 @ 7:10 PM

I was gonna make an ‘Idiocracy’ joke but I realized I don’t really know much about that movie.
Then I looked up hierophant. (any interpreter of sacred mysteries or esoteric principles; mystagogue.)
Then I realized that I’m an idiot … and sober.

By: MattMillen4President

03.28.2011 @ 7:13 PM

Laugh all you like, but Rongrastname is currently roaming free of Tomlin’s divine intervention.

By: Balls of Steel

03.28.2011 @ 7:52 PM

“Diversionary white bitches” is one of the greatest phrases of all time. Excellent job, Ape!

By: Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

03.28.2011 @ 8:10 PM

NBC Sports is a supermassive black hole of stupid, a galactic vortex of blithering idiocy no fact can escape.

They employ both PK AND Florio.

You could replace Dick Ebersol with Muumuu Homer’s bobbing chicken and get better results.

By: Neckbeard Army

03.28.2011 @ 8:30 PM

I wouldn’t mind seeing some Welker body parts flying in front of every capital building even if the lockout ends.

By: MenaceIISobriety

03.28.2011 @ 8:50 PM

I am Jack’s hockey fan club.

/shoots self in cheek

By: DancingBaptist

03.28.2011 @ 9:04 PM

How to get through the off-season:

1) You have a couple of options: Option A is go all Southern. That means you have to make some decisions:

a) Pick a driver (NASCAR). If you pick Danica Patrick, go flush your head. It helps to pick a driver of something you use, be it Home Depot (cough) or Budweiser. Dale Jr is the most popular, Jimmy Johnson is the 5 – time reigning champion. Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick are sorta the ” bad boys “.

b) Pick a style of “Q”. Eastern and Western refer to NC type of “Q”. Dry-rub is not you spanking it w/out lotion, it is also called ” Memphis style”.

c) Pick a libation. One each beer and hard liquor. Consume liberally, often at the same time.

If this mess drags on until August, I guess we’ll do College Football. (Although technically down here it’s ALWAYS college football. See: Alabama Spring Game)

By: Big Black Richard

03.28.2011 @ 9:34 PM

And if all else fails, it’s always soccer season. Right guys? Amiright?

/No, that’s ok, I’ll show myself out.
//MLS season ticket holder.

By: Monkey Business

03.28.2011 @ 10:06 PM

And it did come to pass, after much chaos and violence but surprisingly few head injuries, the One True Quarterback had his throwing arm replaced with an actual laser rocket arm, and after much fighting he did stand upon a pile of the bodies of his broken enemies. Yea verily, these were dark times, but the One True Quarterback did show us the way, with 18 being the holiest of numbers, and surrounded by his 10 disciples: Saint Reggie, Saint Joseph, Saint Pierre, Saint Jeff, Saint Gonzo, Saint Dallas, Saint Jacob, Saint Austin, Saint Marvin, Saint Edgerrin, and Saint Brandon.

All hail the One True Quarterback! All glory be to the Fivehead! Happy Peyton Manningsmas everyone!

By: DancingBaptist

03.28.2011 @ 11:20 PM

@ BBR, really ? Are there like 30 of you ? Hey it could be worse, it could be the wnba.

By: Mailman Delhomme

03.28.2011 @ 11:41 PM

Soccer’s great. It’s the football I watch on Sunday mornings. Then I watch the football where people barely use their feet. In lieu of that, I’ll drink. Fuck baseball, my team usually makes the playoffs anyway, and at that point, there aren’t 162 fucking games.

By: Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

03.29.2011 @ 1:08 AM

@Monkey Business

And lo, it came to pass, that the Manningship led his followers to die of asphyxiation in times of great pressure.

By: Steely Danno

03.29.2011 @ 6:44 AM

@DancingBaptist

That’s a pretty good guide.

I bought a Deryk Engelland jersey and am going to one of those driving dealies in Richmond next month.