Saturday, May 11, 2013

Secret Dates

Remember the drum circle beating
inside your tummy, the feet running around your room trying to find the perfect
outfit, the make-up so meticulously applied all in anticipation of that evening
date with your special sweetheart? Then you married him. And all these years
later, what happened? You still love him but now when you see him you’re
running past each other, hair barely brushed (hoping you remembered to at least
clean your teeth as you graze a fleeting kiss across his cheek), sweat pants
hanging, yelling “Get off your little brother!” or screeching at your teenager
not to forget her lunch.

It’s not
how you thought your love life would look before you married your Prince
Charming. But between dishes and homework and carpools, what can we do? How do
we go back and do we really want to?

Yes. Yes, you do want to go back
and you really want to. Maybe you can’t be those swinging singles able to drop
everything for a spontaneous out of town rendezvousbut you can still get excited, you can still
appreciate one another and you can get those drums in your tummy beating again.
But how? You may ask, between mouthfuls of a hastily put together lunch in the
middle of the afternoon or right before finally clocking out at the end of the
day after every person in your house has had their needs met.

I’ll tell you. Between my three
active boys, two part-time jobs and a half-way put together house, my husband
and I have gone past the conversations crowded with irritated undertones of
“why are you doing it that way instead of the good way?” and into a space where
hands linger on each other’s fingers as we walk by and kisses happen in the middle of
the room, just because.

We do something we call Secret
Dates.

Yes, with each other. This is how
it works: Every week one of us takes turns planning an evening and doesn’t tell
the other what is in store for them until we arrive at our destination.

So simple. And yet completely
transformative because it turns an otherwise blah blah occasion into an
adventure full of suspense and intrigue. When’s the last time you had suspense
and intrigue in your mommy life?

The last secret date we had was a
lot of fun. It was his turn to plan and believe me, he’s getting better at
this. First we went to a Peruvian Restaurant in Pasadena. This was improvised.
He knew the area well enough to know there would be several options close to
the actual venue where he was taking me. So Peruvian Choza Mama caught our eye. They welcomed
us like family which I love in a restaurant. There was a live celloist/guitar
player softly setting the scene in the spacious earth toned room, the drinks
were local to the area and the food was dressed in savory spices.

First of all, of all the things he could have picked, he picked a play. As I looked at the marquee, my mind started to jump up and down, clapping in glee.

At one point in our relationship, this type of activity was about as far from his thing as things could get. We have had many "discussions" over the years about him putting more effort into making our relationship a priority, into me having to do "everything" when it came to making plans for us and why couldn't he just be more romantic in general?

So, here I am staring at this play poster feeling so loved
and cared for. I looked up into his eyes and he smiled down at me with pride. "Honey, you picked a play?" I asked incredulously. And he tried to sound very matter of fact, it's a no big deal kind of thing when he said, "Of course. I knew you liked him and I thought it'd be fun." Yay! I hugged him and we went up the stairs and proceeded to laugh out loud in a theater small enough to see the faces of the actors and big enough to host a very talented cast. The play spoke to our basic desires for love and redemption in the same way that Albom's books managed to snag a part of our souls while we read them.

Last week, when I planned the date, we went to the Stonehaus for dinner and then to see my childhood favorite, Grease playing locally (which was a great change for us from having to schlep over the hill). But the point of these Secret Dates - besides the thrill of the surprise - is also supposed to be sharing what one of us really loves with the other. No arguments, no compromise because done is done.

So when he went out of his way to make me happy instead of satisfying his own needs, that to me was an unequivocal show of love. And it made me a better person because now I really want to find something that will make him as happy as he made me and if the competition is now about who can make the other happier, how can that be anything but good?

This just shows that even things that start out as mischevious acts of selfishness could blossom into beauty if watered with the right amount of love. Because this did indeed start out as a selfish way to get my needs met after we first started dating. I planned our first Secret Date when I decided he needed a haircut but we had just started dating and it was too soon to suggest such a drastic step. So, instead, I concocted this idea of taking him on a Secret Date which included us getting haircuts and mani/pedis. It's a wonder he continued to want to date me after that! But at least he knew what he was signing up for and I can definitely say after knowing each other for almost a decade, we have both become a better person as a result of our love for each other, warts and all.

So, now that you've heard our sappy tale, I'd love to know what you do to keep your relationship vital and exciting?

3 comments:

OOOO, I want Secret Dates! Matt & I like to have "deck parties". When we first moved out to CA, we had this tiny deck that seemed big compared to our NYC fire escape. We would take our wine after dinner out to the deck, and enjoy the stars and conversation with each other. Usually this happens each Friday or Saturday night. Now it happens after our little lady is out for the night. Deck parties for sure. And candles. My mother always says, "Everyone looks better and more romantic by candle light." There's a reason she's been married for 48 years. xoxo

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I'm a mom, living in suburbia, who lived a colorful, city girl, beach bunny life before having kids. Today we are super healthy and look for ways to entertain ourselves without causing damage. Those technicolor perspectives and opinions will be presented here. You can contact me at rinas.roost@gmail.com