July 2015 Horoscopes

July 1, 2015

Look, it’s July and we’re all busy and it’s hot out. Let’s just get this out of the way, quickly, before you do something stupid like offend the cat and then he’ll try and trip you up and kill you and it’s all for nothing. Nothing, I tell ya. This is what is going to happen to you this month. Don’t mess it up, and don’t tell anyone that I told you. Unless they want to give me money.

AriesMarch 21 – April 19
A weasel will follow you home. This may be metaphorical. Try and work a joke into the situation, something using the word ‘POP’ will work. It will make things less awkward.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your ears are slightly different to everyone else’s ears. You will find this out only this month and you shall feel slight shame. Grow your hair long. Ish. You will get used to it eventually.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
A bird will poop on you. People will tell you it is a sign of good luck, but you know better. A bird just pooped on you for christ’s sake.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
Your hair will be suspiciously well behaved. This is just to throw you off the scent because your eyebrows/lashes are about to start acting cray-zay. Vigilance is key.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will be surprised by a picnic, which sounds nice until the whole thing is disrupted by either a rabid dog or a small child. It’s impossible to tell which.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will eat too much fruit and bad things will happen in your underpants. Don’t veer more than 33 steps away from a toilet if you know what’s good for you (and those who have to stand near you).

Libra
September 23 – October 22
Your teeth will look good and at least seven people will make a reasonably positive remark about this. Smile.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will attempt to wear a bun. Either as a hair style, or just by pinning a bread roll to your lapel. Who knows. You may be drunk at the time.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will throw cheese at random passers by and not everyone will appreciate it. Look, it is what it is. May I suggest softer cheeses, if only to avoid court related costs.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The outfit looks good on you but you don’t have a proper bra for it. You only have a couple of weeks to sort this out or the photographs will live forever. Not the worst thing in the world, I grant you, but worth warning you nonetheless.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will try to be better at eyeliner. It’s eyeshadow that is really your downfall.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
When you slip and fall while wearing hot pants interesting things will lodge themselves in interesting places…