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JUST A THOUGHT

It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things. ~~Donald Miller

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I've been begging my kids ... and begging them to let me take a picture of them out in our fields. Not just any picture, but one of them praying and praising God. I wanted their hands in the air and their hearts wide open to Jesus. Finally, they let me. Total cooperation. I am so thankful for this image, and my heart if full ... until the next idea. This will hang forever in our house as a reminder of just how blessed we are.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

He's going to be just fine. His heart is going to heal. He will love another dog, but he will never forgot his Sammy Girl, and he will pour all of his love into another pup, one that will love him just the way his Sammy did.

My Sam has a tender heart ... I hope it stays with him all of his life.

Friday, July 22, 2011

This evening was the hardest day of Sam's life. His Sam passed away,
and his heart was broke. Sam has spent the last three years of his
short life writing letters, drawing pictures and telling Sammy, his
girl, stories. He would tape them up on the wall next to her bed on the
back porch, and he would sit with her, talk to her and check on her
constantly. She would be one of the first things he saw every single
morning, and throughout the day, she would invade his thoughts and he
would say, "I wonder how my Sammy girl is?" He has fallen asleep laying
by her and at times literally held her paw in his hand.

Sammy
was our old Boxer. We all loved her, but she clearly was Sam's dog. She had lived for almost fourteen years, and she had a good
life on our farm. She was deaf and couldn't hear us anymore. She had
lost most of her teeth and had a hard time eating. She had severe
Arthritis and would fall down and couldn't get up. Her whines became
more than we could bare as we watched her walk in pain. Her kidneys
were failing and she begin to have a hard time breathing and we knew she was suffering.

She is pain free and young again, and my
little boy Sam lost his best friend dog. Today, we loved her enough to
let it be her first day in Heaven. This evening he carried flowers as
he bravely walked to her grave. As he sat on that fresh mound of dirt
and cried, my heart broke into pieces. Watching through the window I
saw his Daddy kneel down by him and they cried together. They sat out
there for the longest time talking about how happy Sammy is now and how
she is with Jesus and how some day, years from now, when we go to
Heaven, she will be there waiting for us. When Sam was ready, he then
lifted him up and carried him into the house. I will never forget that image in my mind, and I imagine that even
though Sam is only six years old, he will always remember his Sammy girl
and how much he loved her.

Tonight Sam went to bed with a picture of her in his hand, and we taped the letters he wrote to her on his wall. She will always be watching over my Sammy boy.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

For the last couple of weeks this day has been one that I've dreaded
so much. It's the last day before we close on my Dad's house. Today
is the last day that it is his, and from now on, it will belong to
someone else. It's closure in the making and beyond my control.

Today
at church as I worshiped with my kids, I was suddenly overwhelmed and
taken back to all of the years of their lives as we knew it with my Dad
and Mary Ann being a big part of their childhood and their adult
life. I thought about how much he loved me and my kids and I felt such
a peace come over me. I thought about how he impacted his whole
family so much and how that love will carry us through the future as a
family, and again, a great peace came over me.

I got
lost in my thoughts as the Preacher talked about everything in the life
of a Christian revolves around the Cross. I looked down the row that I
was sitting in and I saw my children, my flesh and blood, their
children, and their spouses sitting beside me in a Church that is
spirit filled and united by God. I am blessed. Beyond all means. I
am loved.

As broken as I felt when I was drawn into that
Church today, I walked out feeling whole and pieced back together.
Through all the trials and errors that I make as a human being and a
Mother, my kids are there for me. They support me and lift me up when
I'm broken, and they support and lift me up when I'm whole. Today they
were my crutch, and I needed them to help me look towards the future
with a whole heart. I needed them to meet me at my Dad's house and
pray over it as it passes to it's new owner. Not one of them
hesitated, and we arrived one car after another to that empty house
that once was ours.

As my kids stood by the street, held
hands and bowed their heads in prayers, they didn't care who drove by
us or who saw them. They saw their Mother lead them in prayer for
peace and understanding in our loss, to preserve the memory and lives
of my Dad and Mary Ann, and carry on into the future as a united
family. They prayed for healing and strength, glory and remembrance,
and they prayed thanks for the time we had with them. We prayed
blessings over that house on Sixth Street ... and prayed for happiness
as we walked away.

My heart is whole right now. I miss
my Dad, but I know where he is. He is not lost to me ... he was
saved. My heart is whole right now, because I know God and because my
children know God and I am so blessed to sit with them in that Church
by the bridge where I can reach out and touch them or hold their
hands. That Church that I can pray with them. That Church that gives
me peace and comfort ... that Church that I share a row with my Kids.
That Church draws us closer and I know that I am blessed. Beyond
means. I am loved. ~ Tanya

I never knew how true the words were to the poem that my Dad wrote until we lost him ...

"you become the top limb ... when the limbs above you fall." ~ Keith I. Wyatt

(My
Dad was Keith Wyatt and my Step-Mother was Mary Ann Wyatt of Mt.
Carmel, Illinois. They died instantly and together, in a head on
collision November 2, 2010. They were loved.)

Friday, December 10, 2010

This was sent to me this morning by someone who reads my blog. Thank you Mary, it's beautiful and so comforting. This is my first Christmas without my Mother and my Dad and MaryAnn. We lost all three of them within six months.

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,

With tiny lights like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs, that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Two weeks ago on November 2nd, my life changed so suddenly and dramatically that I will never get over it. My parents were killed instantly in a horrific head-on collision. I went to the scene thinking that Dad would be confused and need help ... never in a million years will I ever forget how fragile life is, that you can be here happy and talking one second and within the beat of your heart .. be gone.

Dad and MaryAnn (my other Mother) were married for 28 years and I had the best years of her. I was so lucky to have been blessed with someone that loved me unconditionally and loved my children as much as her own. We had the best of everything with her.

My Dad kept MaryAnn on her toes, constantly with his shananigan's. His laughter was addicting and the stories that he told never got old to us.

I'm not going to end this post ... but keep it going. Right now is too painful to write, I'm still in shock, but I will come back here and write their story.

Rest in Peace with God Dad and MaryAnn ... you will always be loved by me.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My dear friend Peggy gave the kids their first Webkinz, and they love Leo, Harry and Freida! Yes, I fibbed a bit. I told them Peggy said they had to sit together and smile for a picture if they wanted to keep them. It was very painful for them as you can see, but they really wanted to keep their new pets!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Yesterday was the last day of LITTLE and today was the first day of BIG! Today ... my Littles started Kindergarten, and in a decade plus a few years, they will graduate high school with the Class of 2023.

(Waiting on the Bus)

This morning was exceptional and I woke them up at 6:30 with a plan to be on the bus at 7:10. For the first time, they got themselves ready and with backpacks on, we actually were standing at the end of the driveway at 7:05.

We've decided to do breakfast at school every morning so that I don't have to get them up at 5:30 and get them all awake and hungry. We figure that after a short bus ride they can eat with all of their friends.

Friday, July 23, 2010

It has occurred to me over the last week as I've recovered from a pretty intense surgery, just how blessed I am. For the most part, I've been alone in my house since I've come home from the hospital, and in between my haze, halluncinations and delusions, I've had quite a bit of time to think.

I'm not used to being here alone. Von, of course, has checked on me frequently throughout the day and night, and at times, I think he has been convinced that I wasn't going to live. I too thought that I was going to just lay down and die. I thought of my Mother in her final days and imagined that she felt just like I did. I dreamed of her. I visited with her. I saw me hugging her. I spoke with her and I heard her voice tell me that everything is okay. I felt like I was on the inside looking out at my life in a very strange sort of way. It's so funny how pain medications can effect certain people. I can not take them. Strangely, the pain is more tolerable than the effects to me.

At five o'clock this morning I woke up nose to nose to a sleeping little boy on my pillow. I laid there and looked at him and wondered how I could miss a week of his life. I felt guilty for pawning my children off on relatives while I slept off the effects of pain medications. There were times that I wasn't even aware of them being in the room with me, and the time I let a popsicle melt all over me while I slept sitting up.

I was close enough to smell him and reach out and kiss his cheek without moving. Then with his eyes still closed, he smiled and said, "This is a great day."

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

This kid .. the kid that never wants his picture taken begged this evening. Then when he popped up on the rock, he said, "Sooo ... if I sit here and let you take my picture, do I get a treat? If I smile and let you do it five times, do I get five treats?" (that means five clicks .. and only five clicks ... he has good ears)

So I said, "Well ... if you go put on some different clothes and let me take your picture the way I want to, I'll let you have five treats." (that means five little bitty pieces of candy)

Then he said, "Oh forget it Mom ... you're just not worth it!" Then off he hopped and ran off to his world of Camo, farming and a dog named Gus! (that means he'll sneak in the house and get the candy anyway)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

You lost your tooth this evening. The very first one to come out was the first one that came in back when you were a baby. A simple tooth shouldn't make me so emotional .. but it does. It makes me stop and think about how you are growing up so fast, and right before my eyes. I love having you little. Simply.

You were at Aunt Bonnie's this evening when this major event happened. I missed it. But when you came home, you were so excited and told me every detail over and over ... then you went on to tell me exactly how the tooth fairy comes and brings you a dollar. You brushed your teeth so good and checked them to make sure they were shiny so she could look in your mouth, and see the little hole, so she would know it was really your tooth. I love your reasoning ... just as much as I love you. You always figure it out.

So in the morning when you wake up ... under your pillow along with a gold dollar coin will be a letter to you. A love letter from me written on the pretty stationery that I bought in anticipation of this day. Forever long as I live, in many years to come, I hope, you will see this little tooth again, and only then can you read the letters that you'll have from me .. along with each little tooth wrapped in gauze and placed inside the envelope. Timed and dated with a rundown of your day today!

Yes, I'm overly sentimental ... and yes, your little tooth is not the first little tooth that I have saved, and your letter is not the first one that I've written over something as silly as a little white tooth. I have a whole packet of little teeth just like yours ... saved from over twenty years earlier of the little teeth Josh, Juli, Joey and Jared had lost when they were little.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

If you look close ... you can see that there is an Oak Tree growing. It wasn't here this morning, but this evening when I checked it, it had sprouted and I can already see the beginning of it's branches where the bud is splitting.

Last week, it was only an acorn that I planted. I love this little tree and it means so much to me. My friends at work bought it in memory of my Mother who passed away almost two weeks ago. It's as if I have something more than just her memory to hang onto.

They didn't know my Mom, but it was very special to me that they chose an Oak tree because my Mother was a very strong person. She never bent, nor broke, and she endured so much when we were kids. She gave so much, and took so little, and I never realized that until I lost her. She gave to us when she was hungry, and she did without so that we would have. She loved us more than life, and that too I didn't realize until she was gone.

As I've sat here and looked at her picture above me, I've realized so much that I wish I could go back and change. I would have visited more often, and I would have called her more than once a day. I would have spent more time with her ... but as her child, it never occurred to me that my Mom would die. I loved her, and she loved me ... and for fifty-three years we both knew that.

On Mother's Day this year, I knew that it would be the last one I would spend with her here on Earth. She was ready to go ... so willingly, but I wasn't so willing to let her go. She told us that she was at the gate in Heaven, and she told us that Jesus was there and so was her Mother ... and she wanted to go, and my heart just broke. When you truly love someone maturely, you love them enough to let them go. I know that my Mom is in Heaven, and I know that she is in a better place, but I can't get past this pain I feel.

Her visitation was on my Birthday, and I waited all day for her to call me. Most years she called before the sun came up and wished me Happy Birthday, and every year that I can remember she told me the exact time that I was born, and how I changed her life. I was her first child, and I was the one that gave her the name Mother. She had just turned eighteen when I was born. She told me over and over how she washed my diapers and they were snow white, and about the little apartment she and my Dad lived in while he was in the Army, and how when they came back home she was so happy. I can still hear her voice telling me the story from many years of hearing it ... but what I would give if I could only hear her say it one more time.

For all of us that have lost our Mother's ... my heart aches for us. I can't imagine that this hole in my heart will ever heal or that a day will go by that I won't feel so empty or so broken. I can't imagine that the heaviness I feel will go away, or my need for my Mother becomes less. Even though I'm grown, she was the one that I turned to to answer my questions or to help me, or for advice. She taught me so much from the time I was little to now. She healed my hurts right up until she left us. I never knew how much I needed her until I lost her.

All the memories of the things Mom taught me suddenly became so much more ... it's all the little things that mattered the most. My Mother was all about the little things in life, and my promise to her memory is to make sure that the little things in life are the things I'll build in my kids. When my kids tell my story, I hope they tell it with the same love for me that I have for my Mom.

This little sprout of a tree will be here long after I'm already with her again, but in the meantime I'm going to water it and give it all the love it needs ... just like my Mom did for me.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I guess you're really not little anymore are you? But to me, I guess you always will be.

You graduated a couple of weeks ago. Although you will have several or many more graduations and milestones in your life, this one really was so important. You see, it is the beginning of your life. Your life outside of me. Not your physical birth, but your birth into the world. Your life away from me ... and you will go happily and you will see all the wonders of the world through your own eyes. You will spread your wings and find the YOU that will emerge into citizens and you will leave your mark. You will be going to Kindergarten in the Fall ... whether I'm ready or not, you are.

I molded you, and it is breaking my heart that I have to let you go. Five years wasn't nearly long enough to prepare me for this. Even though I've been through sending my children off to school before, this feels fresh, and I don't want to do it.

Because I want what is best for you, I do want you to grow up and be normal and make life long friends. I want you to be smart and learn all that you can ... and I want you to make your mark. I want it to be deep and strong and always be there. I want your children to look back and know who you were and know that you were good people.

But for today ... I want you to be my babies, and I want to hug you up and smell you and close my eyes and remember you in all your innocence.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

We have one more game left in this season ... and you guys are awesome. We don't have to lead you out to the field this year, and we don't have to run the bases with you and hold your hands. You're doing just fine being one fourth of the team. You have got it going!

The best part of playing ball is the dirt right out beyond second base, right along with that free freezer pop at the end of the game!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

St. Louis Christian College - May 8th, 2010. I can not even begin to say the words of how proud of you I am. This was a long road for you, but one that I knew that you would finish. It isn't about graduating from college or graduating as a Minister ... but what you are prepared to do with your life.

I think about your childhood and all the silly things you did ... and your teenage years when what you did wasn't so silly. Then I think abut the man that you've become and what you yet have to experience, and how life isn't always going to be fair .. but mainly I know that you can handle anything because of who you are. You are prepared. For Life ... because of Faith, and for that I am so proud of you.

Not only are you wise in your choices, but who you chose will always be there for you. You two build each other up and have so much wisdom for your young years. I love you both so much .. and I am so honored that my Son and my Daughter in-law are both children of God, and are both now Ministers of God's Word.

LIttle Bites of Love

Today while we were out Spring cleaning the front yard .... we ventured into a little nest of baby bunnies. Four bunnies ran every which way ... and immediately Sammy our Boxer grabbed one and ran. Jay said, "It's okay Mama Bunny ... Grandma and Grandpa in Heaven needed a little Bunny too!" Their innocence and perception never fails to amaze me! ~ Thank you Jesus for protecting their little hearts!

~~~~~~~

Last night we were sitting on the couch watching Andy Griffin. Sam looked up at his Dad and ask, "Hey Daddy ... what number is Andy?" We just were not understanding ... until he told us that Barney was number five! Get it? Barney Fife ... Barney Five!