I’m
a 22-year-old woman with a 21-year-old live-in boyfriend of
11 months. My boyfriend loves eating my ass. He goes for my
ass when I wake up, after I get out of the shower, when I
get home from work. At first it felt good as hell, but now
it’s too freaky. I can’t imagine that anyone’s ass tastes
that good. We haven’t had vaginal sex or cunnilingus for a
month! I made up every excuse possible for him not to do it,
but he became violent and went into a rage accusing me of
infidelity. I love him, but the whole ass thing has completely
freaked me out. Should I stay or should I go?

—Grossed
Out In Baltimore

Smart women everywhere regard baseless accusations of infidelity—particularly
ones that come packaged in violence and rage—as proof that
it’s time to DTMFA, GOIB.

Butt first: There’s nothing wrong with a man who wants to
eat a woman’s ass—or toss her salad, as the straight kids
say. And no, ladies, there’s nothing gay about a boy sticking
his tongue up a girl’s butt. Like most every sex act, save
solo or cyber, eating ass carries health risks—all the usual
STIs along with intestinal parasites (it does, however, present
a relatively low risk for HIV transmission). Tossers can minimize
their risks by eating only freshly showered butt and by reserving
rimming, as the gay kids call it, for regular partners that
you know to be in good sexual health.

Back to your boyfriend, GOIB: His thing for your ass isn’t
the problem. Sure, his sexual selfishness is problematic (it
feels good to have your salad tossed, but not to the exclusion
of all other activities), but that issue is eclipsed by your
boyfriend’s willingness to resort to violence in order to
manipulate you sexually. That should freak you out more than
the ass-eating thing. If he’s flying into violent rages to
get you to submit to his sexual demands, then he’s an abuser
and you need to DTMFA.

Dump the motherfucker already, GOIB.

These are the e-mails you love. Anonymously submitted from
a public library terminal so no one can identify the sender.
I have no intention of ever coming out, but I am absolutely
wild for true Asian ladyboys. (Go to www.Asian-TS.com to get
an idea of what I’m talking about.) Are there any bars within
100 miles of Cleveland where I could meet such delicious creatures?
I don’t believe that you’ve ever written about them. I don’t
really want to fly to Thailand, since I could never explain
that to family and friends.

—Ladyboy
Lover

I
haven’t written about Asian ladyboys, LL, because no one has
ever asked me about Asian ladyboys. Until you—and aren’t you
special? And closeted? And cowardly?

If I had to guess, LL, I’d say there isn’t a single “delicious”
Asian ladyboy within 200 miles of Cleveland, Ohio, much less
a bar full of them. For that sort of action you will have
to go to Thailand—and you don’t need to come out of the closet
to do that. Tell your family you caught the The King and
I on cable and that you’ve taken a sudden interest in
Thai culture. Then fly to Thailand, you big pussy, where ladyboys
are thick on the ground. Hire only ladyboys of legal age,
tip extravagantly, and use condoms.

Won’t Dump Her For Head asked you for a special blowjob
dispensation for his girlfriend on the grounds that her uncle
mouth fucked her in her formative years. (Who else can give
such a waiver, by the way? That power puts you up there with
the pope!) As a straight woman who also got mouth-raped by
a family member, and got past it, I think your advice was
great. I also have a thought for the girlfriend in question.
Blow away, tenderly and gingerly! Nibble, lick, and have fun!

If you start to freak out, remember, this guy is not your
uncle. Leave the lights on and look at him, from the cock
up. See, that’s not your uncle! If he reminds you of your
uncle, DTMFA. But if he is the caring, genuine sort of guy
his letter makes him sound like, lick and slurp away. Not
as an obligation or GGG rule, but as a fun experiment in keeping
your body, mind, and mouth fully in the present moment.

—Converted
Blowjob Lover

Thanks
for the tips, CBL, and congrats on refusing to let your mouth-raping
relative ruin oral sex for you forever.

Hi again, I’m the one who sent the original ITMFA/Impeach
the Motherfucker Already letter. I just wanted to let you
know how completely delightful I’ve found the reaction—I check
in at www.ITMFA.com regularly and love all the pictures. This
weekend I saw my first live ITMFA lapel pin, worn by a friend
of a friend; she said she’d bought a bunch more to give away.
It made me giggle like a schoolgirl. Thanks for publicizing
the idea and working so hard. It has really felt great to
see pictures of all these people with similar sentiments,
expressed on their person or their car (or their kid!)—and
of course to have encouraged a contribution to the ACLU. Seeing
the acronym spread out like this reminds me to try to keep
my outrage funny. It’s a kind of whetstone for the blade.

—FixWeed

The ITMFA campaign has raised, as of this writing, $13,500—which
is remarkable, considering that the most expensive things
for sale at www.ITMFA.com are $5 lapel pins. The total cost
of the buttons and pins, envelopes, and postage so far comes
to $7,000 (postage is freakin’ expensive—who knew?), leaving
$6,500 in profit. As I never expected to raise that much money,
I’ve decided to donate half to the ACLU, as promised, and
give the other half to Ned Lamont, the man challenging U.S.
Senator Joe Lieberman in the Democratic primary in Connecticut.
I’m tempted to mail a check to Stephen Colbert, too, as a
thank you for his performance at the White House Correspondents
Association dinner. But I’m thinking Colbert makes plenty
of money, so I’m gonna send him some ITMFA lapel pins in the
mail instead—hell, if you could toss a man’s salad through
the mail, I’d do that for Colbert too.

I just read your response to Obtuse And Flummoxed, who
you advised to Google first, ask questions later. Another
great resource I’ve found is www.urbandictionary.com. When
I didn’t know what a houdini was, that’s the first place I
went!

—Inquiring
Mind

Urban Dictionary has been very, very good to me over the years,
and I should have mentioned it. Making matters worse, I was
incorrect when I wrote that a person could find out what “CBT”
stands for by Googling it. The first results when you Google
CBT are cognitive-behavior therapy, computer-based training,
Chicago Board of Trade, and the Cleveland Buddhist Temple.
(Perhaps there are some ladyboys there, LL?) But if you enter
CBT into www.urbandi
ctionary.com, the correct answer pops right up: “CBT stands
for ‘cock and ball torture.’ Torture can be inflicted by:
slapping, squeezing, pinching . . . the testicles can stand
great pain but caution should be taken.” Words to live by.

BREAST MILK UPDATE: Last week Capitalist Mom wondered if there
was a market for human breast milk—and, holy cow, is there
ever. Cancer patients, premature infants, and fetishists are
all clamoring for human breast milk. You can read all about
it by going to www.metroland.net/savage/breastmilk.