Antidepressant Use In Children

Science & Technology

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

SKUKUZA, SOUTH AFRICA—Traveling hundreds of miles across the African continent in search of a safe haven, the world’s black-backed jackals began seeking asylum in Kruger National Park as a preventative measure, sources confirmed Friday.

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Tracing the unique behavior back to the dawn of civilization, researchers at Monash University announced Wednesday that lowering one’s voice to discuss a person’s sexual orientation is a physiological trait that evolved in humans over thousands of years.

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

SAN DIEGO—Dimwittedly refusing to let her offspring venture more than a few feet away from her, an idiot gazelle at the San Diego Zoo was reportedly still protective of her young Tuesday despite facing absolutely no predators.

WASHINGTON—Calling the trend a reflection of the nation’s changing social and economic landscape, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center confirmed that more U.S. families are living with multiple generations of Xbox under one roof.

RIVERSIDE, CA—Saying that if he keeps searching then the right one is bound to come along sooner or later, 28-year-old local man Carter Ecklund told reporters Tuesday he is confident the perfect dating app is waiting for him somewhere.

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NEW YORK—In an effort to re-engage singles who had quit its service to pursue romance through other means, online dating platform OkCupid debuted a new feature Thursday that alerts former users when it’s time to come crawling back.

LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child.

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

ATHENS, GREECE—In a finding that provides new insight into the roots of Western civilization, a team of anthropologists from Cambridge University announced Monday the discovery of an ancient Greek super PAC that helped shape the world’s first democracy.

GREENVILLE, SC—Providing the drug’s dosage information and instructions for use, the label for anti-anxiety medication Ativan reportedly recommends that patients just keep taking more and more of the pharmaceutical until something kicks in, sources confirmed Wednesday.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Admitting he was having difficulty concentrating on destroying his enemy’s nexus as he sat inside PC Zone internet café Monday, League Of Legends: Dominion player JuHo Lee complained that the guy who died at the adjacent computer station was really starting to ruin the game for him.

KANJERA, KENYA—In a groundbreaking find that provides new insight into early human behavior, a group of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institute announced the discovery Friday of the first known hominid to own tools but never use them.

MONROEVILLE, PA—Listing off a litany of structural and technological flaws, the nation’s leading aerospace engineers issued a stern warning Thursday that local 6-year-old Bradley Koenig’s design for a spaceship is entirely unsafe.
Expert...

BOSTON—Pinpointing the phenomenon as the single greatest predictor of human mortality, a paper published Wednesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine has found that people with deceased family members run an extremely high risk of dying t...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Explaining that the man’s lifestyle, ethnicity, and family history had all indicated a more favorable outcome, members of the medical community expressed their disappointment Tuesday after learning that Florida resident Andrew ...

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

BETTENDORF, IA—Saying he had no plans to challenge anything set forth in the hour-long nature program, television viewer Adam Canales reported Monday that he was fully prepared to believe whatever the documentary Darkness Below: Ocean Life On The...

PLANO, TX—Describing the prototype as a major technological breakthrough for autonomous vehicles, engineers at Toyota unveiled the first driverless car Thursday capable of committing a hit-and-run.
Members of the design team told reporters that the ...

CORVALLIS, OR—Fueling humanitarian concerns over the vital resource’s scarcity in many parts of the world, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Oregon State University has found that 68 percent of the earth’s supply of potable ...

SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday.

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars.
The newly form...

SUNNYVALE, CA—Calling it a major breakthrough in interpreting natural linguistic patterns, technology company Voxil announced the release Thursday of a sophisticated new speech recognition program that factors in users’ mouths always being ful...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the biological underpinnings behind the behavior, scientists at Brown University announced Tuesday that eating appears to serve a number of key functions besides relieving anxiety.

NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more ...

ATHENS, GA—Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, ...

BERKELEY, CA—Offering an alternative explanation for the period of heavy glaciation and lower global temperatures, new evidence published Wednesday by scientists at the University of California suggests that Earth’s most recent ice age was cau...

SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times.

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

EPIDAURUS, GREECE—Confirming that the custom originated some 2,600 years ago, archaeologists from the University of Athens announced Wednesday the discovery of an ancient amphitheater where they believe the first inconsiderate prick reserved seats f...

NORMAN, OK—Noting that similar outcomes were achieved under both approaches, a landmark decade-long study of mental health treatment options published Tuesday has found that talk therapy and antidepressant medications are equally effective at moneti...

AUSTIN, TX—Hailing it as a promising potential fuel source with vast untapped reserves, researchers at the University of Texas revealed Wednesday that they are attempting to harness the abundant energy produced by the nation’s intense fracking...

WASHINGTON—Calling it an unprecedented finding that fundamentally reshapes how humankind views its place in the universe, astronomers from NASA announced Wednesday the discovery of a planet that makes Earth look like absolute shit.
The space agency...

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that the chances of one reaching the planet’s surface are largely dependent on speed and angle of entry, a study released Thursday by the University of Texas Department of Astronomy found that the majority of blessings from G...

VIENNA—Recognizing its prominent position in the night sky and 4.5 billion years of service to the solar system, the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs voted Tuesday to add Venus to the Registry of Historically Significant Planets.

EARTH—In a seemingly unstoppable cycle of carnage that has become tragically commonplace throughout the biosphere, sources confirmed this morning that natural selection has killed an estimated 38 quadrillion organisms in its bloodiest day yet.
Numer...

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that the experimental procedure was a complete success, doctors at Muncie’s Ball Memorial Hospital confirmed Friday that a recent medical breakthrough has provided 89-year-old Anna Goldman with an additional two years of inco...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Following the company’s announcement that it would discontinue public sales of the wearable technology, Google officials confirmed Monday that all unsold units of Google Glass would be donated to underprivileged assholes in A...

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to ensure constant engagement with the social media site, Facebook announced Monday that users would now receive notifications anytime they are not currently looking at Facebook.

IRVINE, CA—Suggesting that only a miniscule fraction of the internet warranted even a slight delay before viewing, a report released Wednesday by the University of California, Irvine, indicated that just 2 percent of all online content was worth sit...

STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

GREENVILLE, DE—With the man having long since strayed from the familiar path of the toll-free number’s main menu, sources confirmed that local Comcast customer Michael Hadlow had entered the remote backwoods of the cable company’s automa...

PALO ALTO, CA—Citing the near infinite number of celestial bodies in the known universe, an international panel of scientists at Stanford University released a report this week speculating that any extraterrestrials that exist may have hair entirely...

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

BERKELEY, CA—Citing compelling fossil evidence that the prehistoric species died suddenly and treacherously, paleontologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Monday that dinosaurs were almost certainly killed by someone they trust...

WASHINGTON—In what many are hailing as the most significant development in the history of space exploration, NASA scientists announced Thursday that a planet seemingly identical to Earth has been discovered by the agency’s Orbital Space Mirror...

SEATTLE— Stunned and dismayed that it will have no assistance in treating the serious mood disorder, the antidepressant Prozac cannot believe that it is being asked to fix this mess entirely on its own, sources said Wednesday.

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Admitting that he basically just stands there until one of the stations starts blaring “unexpected item in bagging area,” local supermarket employee Andy Berenson reported Wednesday that his entire job consists of undoing...

PARIS—Commemorating one of the most important scientific findings in human history, astronomers around the world Monday celebrated the 300th anniversary of English physicist Edmund Weaver’s discovery of the sky.

SIBERIA—Stressing that the edict had come down from the top commanders within the Russian military complex, a video game guard told reporters Tuesday that he was under strict orders to repeatedly pace the same stretch of hallway.

CHAMPAIGN, IL—According to a study published this week by researchers at the University of Illinois, an individual’s ability to get a good night’s sleep may be directly influenced by having made a decision 20 years ago to walk out on the...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring the United States’ transportation network “into the 21st century,” President Barack Obama unveiled an ambitious new high-speed rail plan Friday that will fly Americans to Japan in order to use the i...

WASHINGTON—Saying the option is revolutionizing the way the nation’s 3- and 4-year-olds prepare for the grade school years ahead, a Department of Education report released Thursday confirmed that an increasing number of U.S.

LOS ALTOS, CA—Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day ...

SEATTLE—Saying that the species has thus far defied all scientific projections, stunned officials from the Marine Conservation Institute announced Tuesday that the past half century of climate change and habitat loss somehow hasn’t managed to ...

HOUSTON—Saying he deeply regretted his “thoughtless and insensitive” comments, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced his resignation as head of the nation’s space agency Tuesday following the disclosure of an email in which h...

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the probe successfully entered orbit around Mars late Sunday night, NASA officials reported today that the Maven spacecraft was now set to begin its mission of taking thousands of high-resolution computer backgrounds.

CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the undertaking could take up to 20 years, members of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced a major initiative Friday to begin mapping the massive layer of garbage on the ocean floor.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying the consequences of unleashing such a fragrance were too grave to even contemplate, Bath & Body Works scientists announced Friday that they had destroyed an experimental new scent after determining it was unfit for humankind.

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...

WASHINGTON—As part of an effort to provide equal opportunities across habitats and enrich the lives of wildlife throughout the nation, officials from the EPA unveiled a new biodiversity program Friday that will bus in species from different ecosyste...

ELMHURST, IL—A study released Wednesday by the American Hearing Research Foundation has found that humans’ sense of hearing is most acute when listening to an argument between one’s parents from the top of a staircase.

GENEVA—In an effort to explore the complex moral issues surrounding the controversial topic, the world’s leading geneticists gathered at an international conference this week to debate the ethics of cloning human beings and compelling them to ...

ALEXANDRIA, VA—A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Medicine determined that it is highly detrimental to the physical and mental health of human beings for them to spend any more than five consecutive hours in each other...

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JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work.