Monthly Archives: October 2014

Since it’s Halloween in a couple minutes
i figured i’d tell you a SPOOKY TALE.
It’s about big pharma.

Ok so there are these two dudes
Utterson and Enfield
(don’t worry
there will be more dudes)
and these dudes are walking through London
and they see this shitty door
and Utterson is like “Wow, what a shitty door”
and Enfield is like “I know, right?
One time I saw a shitty dude go into that shitty door.”
And Utterson is like “Ooh tell me more.”
So Enfield is like “Okay well it was 3AM
and I was coming home from a party
and I’m all alone on this street when I see this girl running
and coming towards her from the opposite direction is this dude
just strutting down the street
and the two of them run into each other because they’re dumb I guess
and then the dude
just calmly WALKS OVER HER FACE
THIS GIRL IS TEN YEARS OLD
BRO STOMPED ON A TODDLER.
Also, he looks like a dick
I can’t explain exactly why, he just does.

“So I grab him and I’m like dude
you put your feet on a child’s face
you have to give her money for that
and he’s like sure, whatever
and then he leads me to this shitty door
the one we’re looking at right now
and he goes in and comes back out with a fat check
signed by a famous and important dude
whose name i won’t mention because I’m a gentleman.
WTF though, right?”

and Utterson is like “Yeah, seriously.
What was that jerk’s name, though?”
and Enfield is like “Edward Hyde. Why?”
And Utterson is like “OH BALLS I KNOW WHO THE RICH DUDE IS.”
BACKSTORY:
Utterson is a lawyer
and he is besties with this doctor named Henry Jekyll
who made Utterson draw up this insane will
that just said “Hey if I die
OR DISAPPEAR FOR ANY REASON
give all my money and whatnot to MISTER EDWARD HYDE.”
and at the time Utterson was like “Dude who is this Hyde guy
is he your gay lover?
I mean it’s cool if he is
we all have gay lovers around here
that’s what “bachelor” is code for in these parts
but like
I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave him ALL your money
no matter how good his dick tastes”
and Jekyll was just like “FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT MY DAD.”

And Jekyll is right
Utterson is not his dad
(although wouldn’t that be a crazy plot twist?)
so Utterson lays off
until he finds out that Mister Hyde is a child-stomping chode
at which point he decides maybe he IS Jekyll’s dad
and starts camping out by the shitty door every night
just WAITING for Hyde to show up
and finally he does
and Enfield is right
he really DOES look like a dick
in fact he looks like such a dick
it’s his only defining trait
dudes keep seeing him all over the city
and when asked to describe him they’re all like “Well he’s kind of small
and he just looks like a dick
like, there’s nothing specifically wrong with his face or anything
it’s just like if teabagging was a face you could have
that’s the sort of impression you get when you look at this dude’s face.
then he punches you in your face and teabags you.”

anyway it turns out this shitty door is a back door to Doctor Jekyll’s lab!
GASP!
So Utterson goes to Jekyll and he’s like “Ok bro
I don’t know if you know this
but that Hyde guy you left all your money to?
He’s a guy who stomps children in the face
he’s a child-stomper
also he looks like a dick.”
and Jekyll is like “Haha oh that guy
he’s a rascal, alright
but don’t worry
I’ve got EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
WINK.”
Guys
can you think of one single time
when you have EVER FOUND A WINK REASSURING?
I feel like I only get winked at by people who are trying to sex my butt or sell me drugs
winking has become a tool of the creepy and the lawless.
we need to take back the wink, my friends
next time someone holds the elevator door for you
don’t just thank them
thank them and WINK
and then be stuck in the elevator with them for several floors.

Anyway, Utterson somehow manages to be reassured by Jekyll
and drops the whole thing FOR A YEAR
at which point the only female character in the entire story
calls the police and tells them mister hyde just beat some random dude to death
with a cane
in the middle of the street
and when I say random
I mean this guy walked up to mister hyde and was like “Hey
do you know the way to the post office?”
and Mister Hyde was like “I KNOW THE WAY TO THE *DEAD* OFFICE
WINK”
and then clubs him lifeless
with DOCTOR JEKYLL’S SWEET-ASS WALKING CANE.
Then he straight up disappears.

So Utterson goes over to Jekyll’s place
and he is like “I am your best bro and also your lawyer
and as such I just want to say
YOU HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE IN FRIENDS.”
and Jekyll is like “I know dude I know
Ed Hyde is a problem machine
but don’t worry
he’s gone now
for good.
WIIIIIIIIIINK.”
and Utterson is like “Well the last time you winked at me it was a disaster
but you winked way harder this time so okay.”

And for a while, shit goes back to normal
Jekyll invites everyone over for dinner parties and it’s great
but then all of a sudden he stops having parties of any kind
and in London at this time that is a SERIOUS PROBLEM
so Utterson keeps trying to go hang out
but Jekyll just keeps being like NOPE STAY AWAY
until finally Utterson gives up and is like “Welp
I guess that’s why my momma always told me never to make friends with crazy people.”

But then one day Jekyll’s butler shows up at Utterson’s house
and he’s like “AAAAAA DUDE
JEKYLL IS BEING WEIRD AND IT’S FREAKING US OUT
ACTUALLY I DON’T EVEN THINK HE’S AROUND ANYMORE
I THINK MISTER HYDE KILLED HIM
AND IS NOW HIDING IN HIS LABORATORY
PRETENDING TO BE HIM.”
and Utterson is like “FUCK YEAH LET’S RAMBO THAT LITTLE DICKBOAT OUT OF THERE”
and the butler is like “ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR”
(in my head a lot of the great classics turn into Rambo about 3/4 through)

So they bust in
and Mister Hyde is in there
but he’s just like “NOOOOO” and kills himself
and they’re trying to figure out what he did with Doctor Jekyll
but they can’t figure it out because all the doors are locked
so finally they give up and start reading his mail
which is when they find this letter to Utterson
like
“Dear Utterson
You are in my will now instead of mister Hyde.
Okay, now I’m going to tell you some TOTALLY INSANE SHIT
so before continuing
you should read the letter our mutual friend sent you
you know, the doctor we always used to hang with
who delivered you a letter only to be opened in the event of my death
and then died
after he and I abruptly stopped being friends.”

So Utterson reads the letter and it’s like
“Ok dude, Jekyll and Hyde are the same person
try to act surprised
Hyde showed up at my house one night and made me make him these drugs
and then he took them and turned into Jekyll
and I was like dude
this is exactly why I stopped hanging out with you.”

So then Utterson reads Jekyll’s letter and it’s like
“Yeah dude I’ve been Hyde the whole time
basically what happened
was I realized that I wanted to be a good dude
but I also wanted to party harder than a voltron made of rockstars
and it’s hard to do both of those things and still be virtuous
so I made a drug that turns me into ultimate party douchebag
AKA Mister Hyde
so I could get it all out of my system and then be virtuous the rest of the time.
Mister Hyde is pure evil
because partying is evil and we know this.
Then I made another drug to turn me back into boring-ass Doctor Jekyll
but the problem is
being a jerk-faced partylord is WAY MORE FUN
so I kept doing it all the time
and then the antidote stopped working
and I just started going into beast mode at random times
just like, whenever
and then I killed that dude
and now I’m basically fucked
because Hyde is scared shitless of the police
and I don’t wanna go to jail either
so we’re just hiding in my lab
steady running out of drugs
(even though Hyde could prolly take all my money and move to Florida or something
dunno why he doesn’t do that
but I prolly shouldn’t let him read this in case he figures it out.)
but uh … at least you get all my money?”
And he’s right, and Utterson is rich forever.

So the moral of the story
is that friends don’t let friends do science.

Hey so let me tell you a story that will convince you that my morality is law
it’s about a guy
his name is
er…
I mean Er
that’s what his name is.
We are Greek and that is a totally normal name to have.

Okay so Er dies.

No, assholes, that’s not the end.
Er dies and then he has this wild out of body experience
where he wakes up in a field surrounded by cosmic sphincters.
What I mean is
there is a hole in the sky and a hole in the ground
and dudes are coming out of these holes
and they are all high-fiving each other and pitching tents and passing 40s
like “Aw shit dogg I have not seen you in AGES
LITERAL AGES”
because see, these dudes have all been wandering through the afterlife
(that’s what this place is)
for the past THOUSAND YEARS
and they come back here after all that wandering
to get reborn.

Meanwhile new dudes are dying all the time
and showing up here
and getting sentenced by this wise dude on a podium
and then based on the sentencing
they either go through the hole in the ground or the hole in the sky
and walk through either hell or heaven
for ANOTHER THOUSAND YEARS
and during those thousand years
everything they did while they were alive gets done to them
TEN TIMES
(once every hundred years)
so if you stabbed a dude in the face
you get stabbed ten times
and if you gave a dude a blowjob
you get a blowjob ten times
but it’s only once per hundred years
so you’d better have given a lot more than one blowjob
I’ve got a dick you can use if you’re concerned.

Anyway, after the dudes finish their thousand year journeys
and chill out in this meadow for a week
they have to get up and go get reborn.
So Er walks with these dudes through the vault of heaven
which is just a big one of those solar system models you get at planetariums and shit
except each planet is getting straddled by a hot broad yodeling the same note forever
and the whole thing is on the lap of a giant babe named Necessity
and she has three daughters
but none of them are named Invention
and they are all sitting around on thrones
rapping about time.

But who are we to question the weird fetishes of the gods?
What’s important is that this is the room where dudes get reborn.
A guy comes out on stage and he’s like “Yo what up bitches I’m an oracle
I am here to guide you through your rebirth experience.
Line up and take a number
and I’ll drop all these possible lives in this big bucket
and you can come up one at a time and pick whichever one you want
BUT BEWARE
some of these lives are friggin’ sweet
but at least as many of them are tragically shitty
you might even get reincarnated as actual shit
we are not limiting it to human beings up in this afterlife
you can suffer through the next epoch as a mutant trout if that’s your thing
just don’t blame me for your dumb decision.
Alright, have fun.”

Dude is not kidding
There are all KINDS of lives in this lifebucket
there are lives full ruckus, riches, and rock concerts
there are lives full of sorrow and bees
and you would think everybody would spend some serious time choosing their life
but some dudes have been spoiled by too much awesome in their previous lives
like maybe they were a unicorn or a hercules or something
and those dudes just don’t know how to not make bad decisions
it’s not a skill they’ve developed.

EXAMPLE:
the very first dude comes up and picks a life where he gets to be dictator for life
but he should have read the EULA because it turns out he also has to eat his own kids
and he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK
WHY WOULD YOU PUT THIS ONE IN HERE?”
And the oracle is like “Sorry bro, no refunds”
so everyone else is a lot more careful after that.

And just like at an orgy or a Burger King
everybody’s gotta have it their way
some people want a life of hookers and cocaine
and some people want a life of slavery and nut-kicks
and in the end it doesn’t really matter what you choose
because the object of the game is to be virtuous as fuck no matter what
so you can get your dick sucked in heaven for a thousand years
although I still feel sorry for that first guy
because I can’t think of many ways to virtuously eat your kids
I guess you just gotta make sure to suck off as many people as possible
no matter what life you end up leading
which, again
I am happy to help with.

Anyway the line starts moving pretty fast
dudes are turning into carpenters and cows
and birds are turning into people.
WAIT
THERE ARE BIRDS HERE?
AND NOT JUST BIRDS
GHOST BIRDS
holy fuck-parade
the afterlife officially just became the number one worst place
and you’re telling me they can be people?
You’re telling me any of my friends might actually be birds?
Fuck, *I* might be a bird
Ah jeeze I think I’m gonna puke
let’s talk about something else.

Oh, there’s a lot of famous dudes in there getting reborn
like Odysseus and Ajax and Agamemnon and whatever
but don’t worry
pretty much all of them choose to be animals
because they are literally sick to death of people
Ajax decides to be awesome and turn into a fucking LION
but Odysseus, as usual, just HAS to be different.
He chooses to be a simple dude with an ordinary job
because he’s curious if he can find a way to fuck even THAT up.

After all the dudes have picked their lives
they go to the three chicks, who sew their new lives to their chests for them
and then everybody goes through a trapdoor under the model solar system
into a big shitty desert called the Plain of Forgetfulness
which has nothing in it except the fabled Rohypnol River
from which everybody is forced to drink until they forget their other lives
except for Er
(who really hasn’t done much in this story, even though it’s about him)
because someone’s gotta survive to tell everybody about this shit
I mean, that’s why he died in the first place
not like there’s a pretty much infinite supply of dead people to use for that purpose
they had to kill someone specifically to let them in on this.
So after all that walking and nonsense
Er wakes up just in time to keep from getting burned alive
because we are Greek and regular funerals are for weenies.

So yeah, the moral of the story is
… actually, this might take some explaining.
Hey Philosophy Bro? I’m tagging you in.

So let’s take a break from dudes hitting each other with swords
and talk about a LADY hitting dudes with a sword
she is the Bradamante I mentioned before
and she is subject to more crazy magic shit
than a fledgling prince in a snowglobe full of wizards.

So like for example
after she kills Sacripante’s horse and rides off
she runs into this knight crying in the hills
(the medieval wilderness is where knights go to cry
presumably they think they will not be found
but when the whole wilderness is full of sadtimes armormen
it’s really only a matter of time.)
anyway Bradimante’s like “Sup loser”
and he’s like “Man, my girlfriend got stolen
by a dude with a flying horse
so I ditched the army I was commanding to go follow him
(which prolly means I shouldn’t have been in command of an army but w/e)
and I found his HUGE METAL CASTLE IN THE MOUNTAINS
and I hid there because I suck
but then this dude Ruggiero and one of his boys showed up
and the knight came out with his flying horse
and zapped them with a laser light show from his shield
and I passed out and I guess he took them prisoner.”
and Bradimante says “Wow, you suck.”

But what she’s thinking is “Wow, I need to go fight this flying dude”
because for one thing, he’s a flying dude
how often do you get to fight those
also he lives in a shiny metal castle and shoots lasers from his shield
he’s obviously a time-traveler who thinks it’s funny to kill knights
which means he deserves to die
PLUS
Ruggiero is Bradimante’s boyfriend
so she’s not about to let him live in Chez Shinytimes forever
so she’s like “Bro, lead me to this castle, bro”
and the bro leads on.

But this bro has a secret:
he is actually LORD PINBALL OF THE JERKLORDS
[name altered for the sake of not looking it up]
and he has serious beef with Bradimante’s fam
so instead of leading her to a castle
he leads her into a cave with a big hole in it
and then pushes her down the hole
because I guess he really didn’t care about finding his girlfriend that much.

Then Bradimante is in the hole
but it’s fine because it turns out that the hole is MERLIN’S TOMB
and there’s a sorceress there
and she’s like “Sup Bradimante, I’ve been waiting for you
Merlin’s ghost told me all this cool shit about you
come hang out.”
So she takes her into a crazy room full of the ghosts of all Bradimante’s unborn children
and introduces her to all of them
and half of them are named Azzo and the other half are named Alfonso
oh and somewhere in there she says Ruggiero is gonna get stabbed to death in a field
but it gets conveniently lost in all the names
and then the sorceress is like “Man, I sure don’t care enough to keep talking about this.”
and Bradimante is like “No wait, tell me about those two kids over there
they look like assholes.”
and the sorceress is like “Yeah, they are.
It’s cool though, the rest of your kids are pretty dope.
Anyway, here’s what’s up:
in order to kill that flying knight, you need a magic ring
I’m gonna take you to a hotel
and there’s gonna be this other dude there
hired by the king of Africa to do the same thing you’re trying to do
and he’ll have the ring
so just steal it or whatever.
It’s fine, he’s from Africa.
We’re at war with Africa and also pretty racist
as will become obvious when the poet describes this guy in a couple pages.”

So Bradimante goes to the hotel
and there’s this dude Brunell there
and he has the ring
so Bradimante travels with him to the castle
which he knows how to find
and then she beats him up and takes the ring
and is like “HEY, TIME-TRAVELING KNIGHT
COME OUTSIDE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A TECHNO WIZARD”
and the dude comes flying out on his robot horse
carrying a book that is either a spellbook or an instruction manual
and starts shooting her with force-lances or telekinesis or laserbolts or magic maybe
but she’s immune to it because of the ring
so finally he uncovers his laser shield
and she’s like “OH NO, YOU GOT ME”
and falls down and pretends to be dead
and then when he comes to tie her up
she punches him in the face and sits on his chest.

She’s about to cut off his head, but he’s real old so she feels bad
and instead she’s like “Bro
why did you travel all the way back to our time
just to kidnap a bunch of people and have a sweet palace in the mountains?
Other than the obvious reasons.”
and the old dude is like “Well there’s this guy Ruggiero
and he’s gonna die in battle
and I really like him for some reason
so I came back in time and captured him
to keep him safe from danger
and I have been snatching hot chicks and knights for years now
in order to populate this wicked cool party palace I built just for him.”
and Bradimante is like “…
…………….
….
..
………WHAT?
Okay first of all you can’t travel back in time to change the past
this is not the fucking Terminator
causality doesn’t work like that.
If he’s gonna die in battle
he’s gonna fucking die in battle.
Second of all I am not having my boyfriend banging sluts in a technopalace
third
I want your horse and your cool shield.
Let me into the castle so we can get out all the prisoners.”

So the old guy lets her into the palace
but then at the last second he does some magic and WHOOSH
the castle disappears
and he does too
and all these hot chicks and studly knights are left standing in the mountains
like “What the hell, we were having a party.”
and then Ruggiero sees Bradimante and he’s like “…Yay!
I’m so glad to be with you in this barren mountain landscape
instead of having a fivesome with captured vixens
hoorayyyyyyyy.”
and Bradimante is like “Yeah yeah whatever, slutbrick
just lemme capture this flying horse and we can go.”
But that flying horse won’t be caught.
It just keeps flying to different mountains
until finally it ends up in front of Ruggiero
so he grabs it and climbs on, to bring it back to Bradimante
but he gets pranked
because it turns out this was the wizard’s plan all along
the horse has been programmed to take Ruggiero way out to the middle of bumfuck Egypt
where no one can EVER HARM HIM
so he takes off at Mach 5
and Bradimante is just standing down there like “Aw, fuck.”

So the moral of the story
is that some relationships just aren’t meant to be.

Now a number of you have asked me to tell this tale
But only violent sex-warlord Alexxxander the Great
was studly/generous enough to actually MAIL ME A COPY
so I finally started reading it
and wow
I really truly get why a book like this might make a guy like Don Quixote go insane
like seriously
if you try to behave like the people in this book
I claim no responsibility for your brutal, well-deserved death.
Let’s start at the beginning:

So there’s this chick Angelica
like most medieval damsels
Angelica has spent the past few years as little more than a very sexy football
being passed and intercepted by knight after knight
all of whom are SUPER CONCERNED with “protecting her honor.”
One of these knights is named Orlando Furioso
but then Orlando takes her to France
where there is a big war happening
between everybody and everybody
and Charlemagne is like “Haha you know what’s a great idea?
If I take that chick you have
and offer her as a prize to whoever kills the most dudes in this war”
and Orlando is like “WTF?
It’s like, don’t you even see that my name is in the title?”
and Charlemagne is like “I’M CHARLEMAGNE, BITCH
I FUCKED A LAKE
TRY TO STEP TO ME? THAT’S A BIG MISTAKE
I DON’T NEED MY OWN POEM, I’M A CAMEO MASTER
OH SHIT, WHERE’D ANGELICA GO? DAG-BLAST HER!”
And Orlando is like “Ok ok, stop rapping so we can go find Angelica.”

But Angelica has already been found
because she made the mistake of fleeing into Medieval Woods
forgetting of course
that Medieval Woods are where EVERYONE IS
so she almost tramples some random knight named Rinaldo
and he sees her and he’s like “OH WOW, SO SEXY.”
and she’s like “SHIT SHIT SHIT”
and they immediately embark on some Apollo/Daphne shit
except Angelica has a fucking horse so she gets away
and runs straight into ANOTHER night named Ferrau
who just lost his helmet in a pond
and he sees Rinaldo chasing a hot chick and he’s like “STOP THAT
I’LL FIGHT YOU FOR HER.”
so they start fighting
and Angelica is like “Wow, fuck this”

See, Angelica knows Rinaldo
they used to date
except it was the kind of dating where she was really into him
but he was not at all into her
and then they drank some witch-juice or fairy jizz or whatever
and now she hates him and he loves her
like in Midsummer night’s dream except WAY more violent/complicated.
So Angelica is like “I better get out of here
before Rinaldo figures out I’m me
and not just some random piece of ass in the forest.”
So she leaves those two dudes to beat each other with swords.

Then the two dudes beat each other with swords for a bit
(which they prolly should do anyway
because I think they’re at war right now?)
until finally Rinaldo is like “Bro, time out
do you see that chick anywhere?”
and Ferrau is like “Aw shit, where’d she go?”
and Rinaldo is like “I dunno
but as it stands, we have nothing to gain by killing each other.
what we should do is team up
so we can find her
and THEN kill each other
FOR THE RIGHT TO BANG HER.”
and Ferrau is like “That sounds awesome!
Man
I hope no one ever invents women’s rights.”

So they both climb on Ferrau’s horse
(Rinaldo lost his somewhere)
and gallop off into the woods like best pals
to find a woman to kill each other over
but then the path splits
and they are too dumb to figure out which way Angelica went
so they just split up
and Ferrau ends up right back at the pond where he lost his helmet
so he’s like “Oh well
Better try to get my helmet.”
so he takes a stick and starts poking around in the water
and a FUCKING ZOMBIE JUMPS OUT
and it’s like “Bro, not cool
this pond is my house
and you should know this
because you DUMPED MY BODY IN HERE
AFTER KILLING ME
you said you’d dump my helmet in too
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU FORGOT
UNTIL JUST NOW
SO I’M TAKING IT BACK, MOTHERFUCKER.
Oh also I’m Angelica’s brother
so probably she had a good reason for fleeing you just now.”
and Ferrau is like “Aw man. I feel like a total tool.”
and the Zombie is like “Yeah, you really should.”

Meanwhile Angelica is just hauling ass through the woods
but then she gets tired
and decides to nap under some trees
which goes well for about six seconds
before some dork wakes her up with his excessive crying.
He’s like “BOO HOO HOO
A WOMAN’S VIRGINITY IS A PRICELESS TREASURE
WHY ARE WOMEN ALWAYS SQUANDERING THEIR VIRGINITY ON STUPID ASSHOLES
WHY CAN’T THEY SQUANDER IT ON A NICE GUY LIKE ME?”
and Angelica immediately recognizes him as King Sacripante of the Saracens
who has had a huge pathetic crush on her since forever
so she’s like “Hm, this guy is pretty lame and I’m not attracted to him
but I’m magically bound to hate Rinaldo
Ferrau killed my brother
and Orlando Furioso has Furioso RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING NAME.
This guy seems like the lesser of countless evils.
Hey Sexy-Panties, what up?”
And Sacripante is like “OMG MY QUEEN”
but then a knight in white armor rides by and kills his horse
and as Angelica helps him climb out from under it
and tries to reassure him that he’s not as big of a failure as he obviously is
a messenger comes by like “Hey guys
have you seen a knight in white armor go by?”
and Sacripante is like “Yeah I just got mauled by one
right as I was about to get smooched on by my lady.
Fucking white-knighting son of a bitch.
Who was that?”
and the messenger is like “Oh that?
That’s just some chick named Bradamante.”
and Sacripante is like “NO WAY
NOT A GIRL
HAX
HAXXXXXX.”
So you see, this sort of behavior actually predates the internet.

Anyway, then Sacripante and Angelica pile onto Angelica’s horse
it’s embarrassing and slow
but suddenly a horse appears!
It’s Rinaldo’s horse!
This horse fucking loves Angelica
and Angelica loves the horse
because she didn’t drink any horse-hating potions, I guess
so she grabs it and Sacripante gets on
but then HERE COMES RINALDO
chasing his dumb horse
and he’s like “Oh dang
I just found my horse
and my lady
and some chump I can hit with a sword
I ask you:
COULD THIS DAY GET ANY BETTER???”

But that’s a question we’ll just have to answer next week.
In the meantime, here’s a moral for you:
try to never wear armor
it seems to make people think it’s okay to hit you with weapons.
Angelica doesn’t have that problem, all I’m saying.