When Do You Give Up in a Life of Chronic Pain?

If you are one of us who suffer daily chronic pain, how often have you said, “That’s it”? Perhaps you said, “I can’t take it anymore.” If I could crawl inside each of your heads, I suspect the answer would probably be all of you. I lost count many years ago to the many times I have become so discouraged, depressed and simply exhausted from this daily battle I would have loved to just sit down or lie down and quit. The problem then presents itself as to how to do that. How do you give up on life? There are more ways than you might think to give up the battle. Let’s talk.

Are Doctors the Answer?

Each time we go to a new doctor, our hopes rise. Sometimes we get the help we hoped for; other times we hear the same old song. A typical stanza of that song for a woman is, “Are you going through menopause? How is your sex life? Are you happily married?” What does this have to do with the pain I feel? As an experienced RN I despise the condescension, and lack of interest shown to me over the years by many physicians and fellow health care workers. If I cry, they make a note I’m having hysteria. If I don’t show the emotions and frustration I feel, they don’t believe my pain is as severe as I describe it to be. It appears to be a lose-lose situation. For all of you men out there, I don’t know what they ask you but I suspect they take you a bit more seriously. Let me know. I know when my husband goes to the doctor there is a lot of joke telling, and basic slinging of those bull puckies. Real guys may not eat quiche but my husband does; he just doesn’t get serious or ever complain to a doctor. Last month he fell against a door jam and cut open the back of his scalp. He refused to go to the ER by ambulance from his workplace and one of the deputies drove him there where I met them. It’s okay, he works for the sheriff in our county; he wasn’t incarcerated. When the doctor said, “I think we should close this with sutures instead of staples because you’ll have to lie down on them.” My guy replied, “Oh hell no doc. The staples are faster just put them in, I gotta get out of here. I don’t sleep on my back, anyway.” The man always sleeps on his back. You thought John Wayne was dead; behold he still lives and he’s limping around our town on a bad knee.

Being stoic is, I suppose, brave and noble but how far does it take you if you’re trying to communicate with a doctor and provide the facts. I realize there is a huge difference between having pain for 25 years and a trip to the ER due to an accident. Acute injury and acute pain go away. Chronic pain wears you down as it gnaws away on you, day after day. It eats into your nights keeping you from sleeping. It changes your life with its ugly presence and tries to defeat you.

I’ve always believed it’s best to be outspoken with your doctor, take a list so you don’t forget anything. The only time I shut up at the doctor’s office is when early on in the visit he or she has proven to be a complete idiot; then I just shut my mouth and get out of there as fast as I can. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to educate someone who will probably never learn.

The right doctor can inspire you and help you explore life’s options. I have been fortunate enough over the last few years to have a loving, kind and very bright young female primary care physician (PCP) who holds me up when I need it. She keeps her ego in check, let’s me argue with her and values life, much like I do. I highly recommend primary care physicians because they often act as the information center for this battle we’re in. Many of us have problems other than those treated by a rheumatologist. We have eye doctors, ear nose and throat doctors, dermatologists, orthopedists, neurologists and cardiologists. My goodness, that sort of circus needs a ring master to co-ordinate it all and a good PCP can be that person.

Why Do We Have to Keep Trudging On?

It’s not my favorite word because it’s often ugly and miserable but EXERCISE is so important for all of us. A muscle not used is a muscle that dies. Yes, it’s true pain is our body’s way of signaling danger but that only counts if your head is in a vice, your arm is caught in the door or similar circumstances. Broken bones need to be set but what do you do about a diseased bone, cartilage, muscle or ligament. How do you learn to live with a life-changing injury? You treat the pain as best you can without running around stoned all the time, because that’s dangerous as well as stupid. Being stoned is just another way of giving up.

Moving a part of your body that hurts is not a popular notion, I know. Many years ago I fought with all my might to avoid physical therapy. Even though I was a nurse, I didn’t understand the basic premise of retaining strength in the good, functional parts of your body to keep the injured, diseased parts from winning. All movement strengthens the heart and lungs as well. Perhaps you and I can’t sprint but we can walk. Just do what you can do, and then tomorrow, go a bit further. Remember little steps are still steps. If you stand at the bottom of a flight of stairs and look up, it can appear to be a gigantic flight but if you take that flight one step at a time, safely and slowly, you’ll make it up that stairway. You don’t have to be Rocky Balboa and sprint up there, arms raised. You can still feel like a champion whether you’re using a cane, a walker or move with caution, limping or a bit of misery. Yes, you can groan, moan and curse as long as you move.

You Have it in Your Power to Give Up on Your Life

I often hear from folks who have given up. No, they’re not lying down in a coffin waiting for the end to arrive, but they might as well be. Let me assure those of you, who have quit on life, you are among the walking dead. Is that really what you want for yourself and all your still vital potential? You still have a heart, a brain and someone who loves you; therefore you have potential. What more do you need to make it through life? Unless your condition is terminal, you still have a future; and even then, if you have a tomorrow, that is a future. Oh, I know. You’ve had to change. You have pain. You can’t do many things you once did. I empathize with you and truly do understand. Now, let’s pull up our fancy pants, our boxers or our ruffled bloomers and get going. Comb your hair or get a new haircut. It looks awful. It will make you feel better. Do something about the body odor you’re toting around. Do the laundry. Wash the dishes in the sink. All of these things will get you up and about. It will make your daily life more pleasant. I’ll let you in on a little secret; that is all a form of exercise.

The hard part is finding a reason to keep going. Each of us has our individual reasons. It may be our children or grandchildren, our spouses, our pets or a cause we believe in. Sometimes you have to search to find purpose. This world is filled with others who need you. Find them. There are children and adults who need love. You have skills, use them. I know it’s all different but it’s not over until it’s over. Just don’t be the fat lady who sings, signaling it’s over.

Giving up is easy. To keep going is difficult. Reach out to someone else who is also struggling. That often helps me enormously.

Stay Informed About Your Own Health

I’m often amazed by the complete faith people put into their doctors. It’s good to like your doctor but that is not an excuse. You must know what’s happening in your own life. Read about your medications. Educate yourself about your problems. Visit a new doctor and get another aspect on what is happening in your life. Do not blindly, blithely or ignorantly follow one doctor. Learn what it means to be your best advocate and learn to be your own best friend.

Attitude, Attitude

Attitude comes from within you. If someone outside yourself has given up on you, don’t listen. They do not live within you or your head. Friends and family members don’t truly know what is going on within your heart and mind. The power of belief is phenomenal. Doctors can be too cautious, sometimes. Turn that next corner. Don’t trust or believe the person who tells you the road is blocked. It is not.

You are not the only person picking up the pieces of a shattered life. Bend over and catch as many of those pieces as you can. It’s good exercise.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sue Falkner-Wood

Sue Falkner-Wood is a retired registered nurse living in Astoria, Ore., with her husband, who is also an R.N. Sue left nursing in 1990 due to chronic pain and other symptoms related to what was eventually...read more

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