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Every day, women come here looking for the answer to the question: “How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife”. My stats show me that this is one of the most common search-phrases people use to find this blog.

How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife?

Well, there’s really only one answer to that question:

By getting rid of your husband.

As a muslim, you can’t force your husband to divorce his other wife or wives. There is no legal way for you to make that happen, nor any religious way. You might try to coerce him into divorcing her, by making his life a living hell if he doesn’t, but since Islam always has a mechanism for protecting the right of men, of course there are ahadith and fatwas saying that it is a great sin to try and make your husband divorce his other wife/wives. So if you really are a muslim, that is not a way out.

There are women out there who try to make their husbands divorce the second wives by being the perfect wives. Women degrade themselves and beautify themselves, keep a perfect house, offer their husbands lots of exciting sex in order to make their husbands see that they don’t need any other woman. Well ladies, this is the most stupid thing you can do!! It simply proves to your husbands that polygyny is great, and that by being polygynous they can keep their wives on their toes, serving them and competing for their favour. Please, please don’t stoop to that!! It will only make your husbands go out and tell other men how great polygyny is, setting other poor women up to become victims too.

You could of course murder your husband’s second wife, but only if you’re ready to go to prison for life, or possibly be executed depending on where you live. 😉

No, honestly, the only way to get rid of his second wife is by getting rid of him. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. But there it is. If you get rid of him, she won’t ever be a part of your life again unless you want her to. She will become completely irrelevant. When he decides to marry a third wife, she will be the one to take the pain – it will have nothing to do with you. And as you get rid of him, you won’t only get rid of his second wife. You’ll also get rid of a dirty two-timing piece of shit who cares more about his dick than about your life and your marriage and your children. You’ll also get rid of the risk of getting STD:s from his other women, and you’ll get rid of spending half of the rest of your life alone as a single parent, a single woman, a woman alone in a home for the elderly.

Asking for divorce also happens to be an islamically permissible way to free yourself from him and eternal pain and misery. (You do know of course, that if you don’t divorce him, you’ll have to share him with her for all eternity. even if you get into Paradise as a true muslim…?)

By getting rid of him, and her, you’ll open a door for love, for respect and honesty from a full time husband, a full time father.

So for goodness sake, get rid of your husband’s second wife. And now you know how.

I get a lot of email, asking questions about the practical everyday aspects of polygamy. I have collected some of the most common questions here.

Do you love one of your husbands more than the other?

Yes. But not always the same husband. There are ups and downs in every marriage I believe. In polygamy, there seems to be some kind of natural law that when one husband is happy, the other one is not. And so I tend to love the happy husband more than the unhappy husband. I know it sounds awful, but polygamy is really hard work, so coming home to a bitter and resentful husband just bugs me.

2. Do you ever have sex with both your husbands on the same day?

Yes. It happens on most change over days actually. The husband I’m about to leave is often eager to have sex because he knows I’ll be gone for 3 days. And the husband I go to is happy to see me again:) So yes, it happens all the time. And no, it doesn’t make me feel dirty. It makes me feel happy and loved and fulfilled. And it’s an obvious sign that women are better suited to be polygamous than men, since I have no problem having sex twice a day, while most men simply wouldn’t be physically able to.

3. Do you compare your husbands?

Yes. All the time. There’s simply no avoiding it. When Graham laughs at a joke, I think “Mark wouldn’t have found that funny” When I see a film I think “I should have seen it with Mark, he would have liked it better” When I serve coffee, I think “Right…so Graham wants it black”. I compare the way they smile, the way they frown, the way they scold me. And yes, I compare them in bed. It is the most special and intimate part of marriage, so of course I compare. Don’t ever believe a polygamous man who says he doesn’t!

4. Can you be just and fair?

No. I can’t. I have tried my damndest, but it’s simply not possible. When both of them need me, I have to fail one. When I turn to one to give him a smile, I turn my back on the other. When I have to go away on business, I always end up hurting one of them because the schedule alters and upsets plans. My children love Graham and avoid Mark, so in order to spend time with my children, I have to favour Graham on holidays e.g. When I try to be fair by giving them both the same present, one of them loves it and the other one doesn’t. When I try to be fair by giving them different presents, they both feel they got the short end of the stick. There is simply no way to be just and fair. But to me, that’s just life. To a muslim man, it means going to hell 🙂 So again – it’s obvious Western women are made to be polygamous if they choose – muslim men aren’t.

5. Do you ever lie to your husbands, or can you be honest in polygamy?

I lie to them all the time. Every day when they ask me trivial things like “Isn’t this the best Rogan Josh you’ve had in ages” (No, the one I had with Mark last week was way better) “Do you even remember when you laughed as much”? (Yes, yesterday with Graham), “I bought you some tulips, I suppose you were longing for the first spring tulips?” (No, my other husband bought me some already) and so on. But worse than that – I have to lie when they spontaneously ask me things like after sex “Don’t you wish we could just stay like this forever” (No, because I want to be intimate with my other husband just as much). Yes, I lie to them constantly. The day you lose your spouse to polygamy, is also the day you lose the spouse you can trust, who will tell you the truth. If your spouse is polygamous you simply have to choose: be lied to or stop all kind of communication except about the weather or Jo Brand’s new hair.

6. Do you regret polygamy?

No, I don’t. Polygamy gave me Tamsin, my beautiful daughter. And Graham, whom I love with all my heart. But I can honestly say, that if I were the one who had chosen polygamy, I would never have been able to live with myself seeing the pain and suffering polygamy has caused my husbands. I would have killed myself, or died from shame and regret. But as it is, polygyny was forced on me, which meant polygamy became the only option for me to have a complete life. So Mark chose polygamy, and he has had to live with the consequences. That’s what made it possible for me to hold on to polygamy without letting his pain and suffering kill me. And Graham chose polygamy. So his pain hasn’t been all my fault either. But it hurts to see him suffer. Because honestly – there is no polygamy without pain and suffering. How men who choose polygyny, knowing their wives don’t have the same possibility, can live with themselves I simply cannot fathom. But of course, how anybody could buy a slave is beyond me too, still people do it. Anyway, knowing first hand how evil the pain and hurt is, I know there’s a special place in hell for polygynous men.

7. What do you love most about polygamy?

Being loved by two wonderful men. Having children with two wonderful men.

8. Would you recommend polyandry to other women?

Yes. If you’re strong and intelligent, and extremely well organized. And if both ( or more I suppose) men are willing. Nobody should ever force or coax an unwilling, reluctant or even hesitant spouse into a polygamous relationship. Ever. If there is the least doubt – don’t.

9. Do you have rules about phone calls, texts, e-mails etc on the other husband’s night?

Yes. No texts or phone calls unless absolutely necessary. Privacy is crucial. Only emergency calls are allowed. But I try to slip away so I can pay a short visit to the husband I won’t stay the night with (Mark lives in the house, Graham lives in the annex) and I always send a good night text.

10 How do you solve conflicts between your husbands?

I simply tell them I don’t accept any conflicts. There was a lot of back stabbing, manipulation and that kind of thing going on when I first married Graham. But I never allowed myself to be manipulated. I just kept to the ground rules. And most of the time, they managed to work things out between them without my help. Now, there aren’t any major conflicts any more.

I wanted to ask some advice, as an outsider of all things polygamy.
I know someone in a polyandry relationship, with my housemate. It’s all very confusing and long but I’ll try to break it down and explain what I see (do make yourself a cup of tea before you settle down, it could be a long one).

Myself and my boyfriend (we are completely monogamous) have recently moved in with a friend, who we shall refer to as J.
J is in an open relationship with his friend, L.
L is the girlfriend to another man, P. P is aware of the sharing of his girlfriend but doesn’t like to talk about it, which I would have personally taken as an early sign of uncomfort at the situation, however L is P’s first love (he was 23 when he lost his virginity to her, ’nuff said), and L seems to be very dominating in situations. She likes to talk for everybody, talk over everybody, and literally says because she has autism she can read peoples emotions better than they can themselves, a comment that I found very distasteful and just seemed to be a blow your own trumpet kind of comment. So I think P will never say how he truly feels about the situation, probably because L has convinced him that he feels ok about it, and she’s convinced he’s ok with it because she happily put words in his mouth that suited her, all the while P has to stick it up and shut up. He obviously doesn’t want to lose her and I feel she uses this to her advantage as she knows she can get away with a polyandry relationship when it hurts her partner, but I feel like she hasn’t thought about just how much this could be damaging to him, I feel she’s only selfishly looking out for her own needs. Your blog has definitely made me understand polygamy more, even that there are some benefits to it I suppose, but I feel L is doing it to satisfy her emotional neediness and sexual greediness more than anything else, with a total disregard to anyone else. L is around J’s every other day, and literally gives him no space when she’s not, he’ll be on the phone to her for absolutely hours as soon as he gets in from work, even on his break at work he’ll spend the duration of it on the phone to her. When she can’t get through to him she messages me, the bloody housemate, to go and wake him up because she cant get through to him and he has a doctors appt, etc! The neediness is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and yet she speaks with such confidence driven know-it-all-ism about things she knows nothing about its enough to want to smack your head against the wall (she confidently stated the other day that it was impossible for baked beans to go off, I mean really?!) I suppose it all boils down to insecurity within herself.
L maintains that J and P are the best of friends, but after living here for 6 months, although they get on very well (forced acceptance in my eyes, again, like it or lump it) the visits used to be all of them together, now it is very much P just coming over to pick up L after a few days away.
J recently struck up a relationship with a girl from work, M. He didn’t tell her about L, not at first, he got intimate with M for a few weeks and then decided to tell her. Now, normally from any outside situation looking in anyone would blame J for stringing M along without telling her straight away, but I actually feel like he didn’t do this maliciously, he’s young and confused, and what male can’t resist 2 women falling at his feet? That sounds really messed up, but if you knew J personally, you’d realise he’s just caught up in it all, he’s emotionally invested himself in 2 people because 2 people like him, without thinking of the bigger picture, I really don’t think he realises how much hurt there is to be had in a relationship like this.
As the love triangle (or square as there are so many now?) continues M and L spent time with J around the house together, and underlying problems became apparent. L feels jealous when J is cuddling up to M, and vice versa, this annoys me in itself as surely L must have a tiny bit of understanding as to how P feels about sharing her. They all agreed to come over to J’s to talk through the problems (L and P live with L’s parents, so they had to do it over ours which meant myself and my boyfriend were banished from downstairs for the night while they talked over their self made emotional black holes), which didn’t actually happen by the way, they all chickened out of talking about how they all really feel and just swept in under the rug so it can continue (imo) and ordered pizza instead. Didn’t bother telling us so we stayed in our room all night.
Last week P proposed to L, they are fiancees, and a little part of me cant help but think he’s done this out of defense, “don’t forget she’s mine” kind of thing, and maybe he feels like it’ll stop when they’re married. I wish I could talk to him about it, but we’ve only had small talk acquaintance style, and if he doesn’t like talking about it to the people who are involved he certainly won’t speak to a stranger.
A part of me wants to send him a coarse horrid message to snap him out of being submissive to such emotional drainage, “Doesn’t it bother you that your wife is fucking another man?!!”, but alas I won’t. That is definitely not my place, no matter how much I can’t understand it. I just don’t get how people cause such underlying pain (looking into partners eyes during lovemaking and imagining them being intimate with someone else) for the sake of a ‘more interesting life’. It just seems so wrong to cause burdens on emotions like that. I can see the appeal, one of my earliest fantasies was to be in a wonderfully sexual polygamous relationship with two men before I even knew what the term for it was. However, emotionally analysing it it’s just messed up.
I see L and M in competition with each other but passively which is very strange to observe, I think I’d rather have 2 people just fight it out in front of me, L is constantly cleaning the house, and will actively point out everything she’s done to J for approval, almost like a “look how better I am than M”.
I suppose I’m also a little angry at J for continuing it, as much as I can see the appeal of two women at once, L is going to get married so there is no real progression there for a meaningful relationship, and M’s a really lovely girl that shouldn’t have been dragged through this mess. Still blaming L for this though, she is definitely the dominant one in every aspect and knows what she is doing. I see J losing his patience with all sides, although I have little sympathy.

Thoughts please?
Also, thank you Fiona, this blog is amazing, I read through nearly every article. And please excuse me for saying so, but reading through your own posts just made me realise how emotionally submissive to this you were, like you had to cope, deal and accept it as being normal when there’s so much pain and awkwardness there really. But that is only my opinion, and has probably been jaded by the situation I am watching on a daily basis, I would never have found your blog if not for it so I suppose it has brought one good thing. I wish I could make L read all the posts on here!
You’re a wonder woman Fiona, even to the people who don’t understand 🙂

I am an American revert, I live in Saudi with my husband. We got married 8 years ago, it took quite some time and effort I can tell you to get our marriage approved! The Kingdom really is a stickler for rules, in every way. We met while my husband was working in the US and I fell madly in love with him, took the Shahada and accepted that we’d one day move to Saudi for good. My husband is a devoted husband and father and a good Muslim in every way. I have trusted him with my life. And not just as a saying but for real, since for a woman to move to Saudi is to put her life in the hands of her husband.

It took some getting used to, I can tell you. I still prefer just to stay in my house since the culture here is stifling. I have a few friends who are also American reverts married to Saudis, but that’s about it. I’m not at ease here, not even with my husband’s family who expect me to wear a niqab even at their house because of my husband’s brothers.

Maybe this isolation is the reason why everybody else knew my husband had married a second wife before I did. He still travels a lot because of his work, and when he finally told me he had a second wife, he had already been married to her for almost six months.

So for six months I’ve been sharing my husband with another woman, without knowing it. The reason he told me is she’s trying to become pregnant so she wants him to start spending half the time (nights) with her so that can happen asap. Obviously she had agreed to give up her time for a while, until he told me about her and now she has put a stop to that. So suddenly my life is a turmoil, a tornado of pain, tears and fear.

I found this blog, and just love it. The way you stick up for women! Right now I’m in so much pain I don’t know how to get through the day, and the nights are even worse. And he just expects me to come to terms with it. He says he’s sorry, and he says he loves me and doesn’t want me to hurt. And I keep saying: Then how could you do this to me? Why did you do this to us? But he doesn’t have any answers.

He says he will not divorce me, and he will not allow me to leave the Kingdom. And he won’t get a chauffeur for me so I’m basically a prisoner here, in this country in my home in my marriage.

And right now, my husband is off trying to make another woman pregnant.

Please, sisters. Help me. Give me some strength, or at least some company.

Being muslim, I have some questions to the blogkeeper. I do not intend disrespect and I do understand if you find my questions too private. I respect of course if you do not answer anything that may be too close.

It seems to me in polygamy, somebody must be the leader. Somebody must have the final call if there are conflicts of wishes, time or jealousy. In Islam the man is the leader. He has the final say and it is his responsibility to keep peace and harmony in the marriages. I wonder, in your marriages, is this your role? Or are your husbands still the leaders in marriage? Maybe they solve conflicts between them since you live close together?

When your husbands want things that conflict, to whom do you submit? I see you have a child with your second husband, how would you have solved it if your first husband wanted a child too, at the same time?

If two wives argue and scream and threaten each other, the husband is always strong enought to make them calm down and give in to his will. What do you do if your husbands fight?

I am sorry if this question offends, but if both your husbands have wish for intimacy, does it not make you feel tired and worn out? And how can you cope with two men if they want you at the same time? And is it not embarassing to go to your one husband with plainly traces of ghusl so he can see what you have done with the other?

I truly wish you well. But I must say I find this way of living strange. Please forgive me.

Love your blog! I married a man who was already married. We are both muslim and I’m trying to become more pious to find peace in polygamy because it really is hard! I thought that my husband would become infatuated with me, and that I would be special. But it’s not happening. He is always sharing his time and everything absolutely equal and he snubs me when I call on her time for something or if I question his love for me. He says I must be content with what I have and that he will never love one of us more. It hurts so much because I don’t want to be one of many, I want to be special. Just like he is special to me. So I wonder, how do I win my man’s heart?

//Farah

Answer:

You can’t.

His heart wasn’t yours to win, nor his to lose. He has already decided that nobody will be special in his life, no love will be special, you will all just be one of many. He decided never to give special love, or all of his love, while demanding it from you. That is what you accepted when you became a second wife. The sad thing is that by doing so, you aided and abetted him in reducing his wife from special to one of many.

My husband is about to get married to a second wife. I have agreed and we have drawn up rules about schedule, housing, money and so on. I can not say I am happy about this but due to some circumstances I have agreed to polygamy. The woman my husband will marry is the daughter of a businesspartner and it will be very beneficial to my husband and I also believe my husband is much attracted to her from how he talks of her. My father has made sure the terms will be just and fair. But we all agreed on having our health checked before marriage. My husband and I both have a clean bill of health but it turns out this woman he intends to marry has HPV of the kind that can give cervical cancer. She is a virgin but when checked her mother has it too, and must have infected her daughter.

My father and I now demand my husband not marry this woman. My husband refuses as says there is no shariah rule that says we can make polygamy haram on him. He has even had an imam come to my family and say we can not give conditions because it is not the sunnah.

My father is now demanding I ask for khula. I don’t want it. I want to live with my husband and our child and all of this to go away. But my husband is adamant he will marry this woman and have unprotected sex with her.

I have been reading your blog eagerly. My husband is about to marry again. We have been through every possible issue regarding polygamy and we have tried to agree on practical problems so as to minimize friction, like the schedule, moneys, holidays, talking to each other on the other wife’s day etc. I’m still worried though. I’m trying to keep my nafs in check but I’m worried about envy, jealousy and losing out.

But what worries me the most is losing his love. What am I to do if he loves her more? How am I to cope with watching him fall in love? I am HORRIFIED when I think about it, having my husband in my home, my bed but falling in love with another woman. And I do understand that he will, that it’s inevitable.

So I wanted to ask you, is it possible to love two people at the same time? To love them equally? Or will I be losing him, when his love for her grows?

Thank you for an answer,

Hasnat

Answer:

Dear Hasnat,

You’re in for the mother of all pain.

Watching your spouse falling in love, deliberately opening his heart for another woman to enter as a visitor here put it, is the most soul wrenching experience one can ever go through.

Will you be losing him? Probably not. A man who can have two women who love him won’t give one up if he doesn’t have to. You will however lose what you have now. Never again will you be his number one or only priority. Never again will you be the only one he turns to late at night to talk about happiness or sadness. Never again will he be an equal partner to you, one who invests as much of himself in your relationship as you do.

It is possible to love two spouses at the same time. Equally? Well yes. 2+3 equals 5, and so does 4+1. I wouldn’t say that 4+1 and 2+3 are identical, but they are equal and they both add up to 5. I don’t think you can ever harbour the same love, or identical love, for two spouses but you can love them equally.

I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I shudder at the thought of what lies ahead of you.

I am an American male, I grew up in the bible-belt and had really hard-core old fashioned parents. I was told the word of God can never be questioned and I was taught to obey the hard way. The church we belonged to was really more of a cult, but it took me some time to realize. Breaking up from that world meant I had to leave everything, my family, friends everything. I decided to leave for good and came to the UK. I got a job doing constructions at Lampeter, settled down, built a new life for myself. After a couple of years I met a woman. She was wonderwoman to me, everything I had ever wished for. She was strong, beautiful, smart, funny, she soon became everything for me.

She belonged to a religious order, a kind of Druid order. Most of it is about meditation, I’ve come to love this beautiful religion of peace and harmony. It’s so right in every way, it’s about self respect and respecting others and this wonderful world of ours. So I joined too, in 2011, the same year we married.

Since then, she’s become a priestess. Among other things, this means she has a responsibility to be polyandrous. Through her, her husbands can reunite with the earth godess. I understand this, and I can see the beauty of it. But she’s my wife, and the thought of sharing her is killing me.

She is being very considerate. She says she’ll wait til I say I’m ready. And she isn’t pushing it. But I know she’s waiting because of me, and I’m keeping her from fulfilling her duty and I’m keeping some man, or men, from uniting with her.

I just don’t know how to make myself tell her to go ahead, marry another man. I don’t know how to do it.

You write a lot about islamic polygyny turning women into victims. Well polyandry can make victims out of men. Did you ever thin about that?

This blog is for everybody and anybody who wants to discuss polygamy. And if you happen to go off topic – well so be it 🙂 That’s ok too.

You’re welcome here.

And if you come here to contradict me, or even condemn me, fine – you’re welcome.

The only things I won’t allow are threats or other illegal activities.

Another blog stated that this blog will accept anybody, and it’s true. That’s what this blog is about.

And another thing – if you want to contact somebody who’s a contributor here, you can just contact me on norfolkfiona@mail.com, and I’ll pass your e-mail address along. So if you want to contact somebody here without anybody else knowing about it, just send me an e-mail.