As we steadily go mad

My mind is in a whirl as we, in the sub-continent, head steadily towards mass insanity. At a micro level, the BMC has chosen to dig up 350 arterial roads simultaneously in our city. And while we should rage against this disorganised institution, we turn angrily on each other out of sheer frustration. Santa Claus’s festival is approaching and as usual our Parliament has more directionless reindeers in there than the participants of Bigg Boss. Plus they have the cheek to criticise the reality TV show for its content. At least the contestants of the programme aren’t formulating policy for the country. As we speak, the education ministry, instead of attending to illiteracy, are devising mindless circulars for kids to attend school on Christmas under the guise of observing Good Governance Day. While on the subject, one Rajeshwar Singh of the Dharm Jagran Manch of the Aligarh Christmas Conversion programme fame wants to root out Christianity from India by 2021.

Illustration/Amit Bandre

I’m torn, because this means my mother (fully Gujarati) can live in the country, whereas my poor father (fully Goan) has no right. What do I do? Should I stay or should I go? This is a Sophie’s Choice-cum-Deewar situation. “Mere paas ma hai, but what about pa?”

In other news, notorious hardliners like Pravin Togadia have a theory that all Russians were originally Hindu. So PM Modiji while figuring out defence deals with PM Putin, might well be telling him — “Hey Mr PM, before we sign for the nukes, just thought I’d let you know that your name was originally Valmiki Putinputra!”

Closer home, post the Sydney crisis in a Lindt coffee shop, the Mumbai police have set up a special 17-member hostage negotiation task force, So if another ‘lone wolf’ Middle Eastern loon decides to take over the Horniman Circle Starbucks café outlet, they are prepared. And I’m thinking, in what language will the 17 men negotiate with this one maniac. An example of a possible conversation:

Negotiator One — (in either Hindi, Marathi or Gujarati) “Uh excuse me, Mr Terrorist, sir... what is it that you want?”

Terrorist — (in either Farsi or Arabic) — Don’t know what you’re saying. But tell your translator, I want a double Cappuccino and an Indian Super League flag.”

Then there’s the modern-day Genghis Khan, Omar Khorasani, the leader of the Tehreek-e-Taliban, who’s redefined brutality with the massacre of 132 children in Peshawar (To imagine that ‘taliban’ means ‘students’ in Arabic).

And I’m thinking, what did your parents do to you that justifies this level of cruelty?

Of course, there’s sneaky Pakistan, who manage just one day of so-called solidarity with us, and then proceed to let 26/11 mastermind Lakhvi out on bail. Only to put him back in jail when we expressed our outrage.

One last thing before I sign off. The only survivor of the military school mass murders escaped because he overslept owing to a defective alarm clock. The boy’s name will interest you, dear reader. It’s Dawood Ibrahim.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.