November 15, 2004

More proof why Dan Brown is the anti-christ

In better news, though, only four days left to the opening of potentially---and I do say potentially because, although I have my hopes up, I don't want to be cruelly crushed again in the search for the White Whale of Schlock Cinema---where was I? oh right---potentially the best truly bad film of all time: National Treasure, starring Nicholas Cage as an intrepid Illuminati hit man protecting the holy grail against Euro-trash terrorist types (and Angelina Jolie). Now while they clearly made a mistake in this movie by not casting Kurt Russell in the role of the craggy, irascible Illuminati hit-man mentor (kind of a Sean Connery's Sgt. Malone to Kevin Waterworldwithwolves' Eliot Ness), all is not lost: the completely over the top, original contribution to the genre potential is truly awesome---I mean, the whole clip in the trailer of Cage eyeballing the dollar bill and the fifty under the weird looking Mr. Peabody microscope could potentially do in the CSI genre too! But it is Jerry Bruckenheimer, so we can just breathe a deep sigh of relief and comfort ourselves with my own personal LLamabutcher Koan: "Could be worse: could be directed by Michael Bay."

Which leads to a nasty thought: there's a reason why Beautiful Atrocities so often wants to make me wretch.....Jeff of Beautiful Atrocities and Michael "Pearl Harbor" Bay......Hmmmmmmm

Anyhoo, I'm hoping the whole National Treasure fiasco will smother the Dan Brown media juggernaut in the cradle.

And be prepared for what's coming soon to a theatre near you for Christmas 05---The Secret Illuminati Ninjas and Buxom Lasses of the LLamabutcher Code!

One of these days I want to do a Daily Show parody with Jeff at the helm. Nobody would know that Jon Stewart was replaced until he started making really intelligent observations while using the word b*tch.

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