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Monday, April 07, 2008

My most memorable "going home" was bittersweet. I tried to put on a smiling face. I was happy, yet I wasn't. I was excited to finally get home and see my children. Get on with life. Yet I wasn't.

The sun was shining and it was incredible outside. That alone should have made me euphoric since I had only been outside for a total of 5 minutes in 2 1/2 months, yet I was still sad. The world seemed incredibly large after spending so much time in an 12X20 room. As we "jolted" along in the car my insides physically felt like they were being pulled out. After all that I had been through to get my babies, it didn't seem right that I had just left them.

When we passed the downtown village and I heard Christmas music playing I started to cry. The music reminded me that I had spent a whole season in the hospital. I had been gone from my children and husband for 10 weeks, and as the long awaited reunion neared, I was coming home hunched over, split open and with empty arms. I had nothing to offer. I couldn't lift my children, my physical interaction with them had to limited, I was in pain, and I wasn't bringing their brothers home with me.

But that isn't entirely true. I actually had a lot of offer. I had open arms and a heart full of love. And I had stories of the babies in the neonatal intensive care unit. I felt gratitude when I saw my healthy children playing and I walked in the house and saw it full of people and flowers to welcome me. I felt incredibly blessed to have my husband help me over the threshold and know that through it all, he was my rock, that I had come home.

♥ I can only imagine how difficult that would be. Going through all the pain of having you children and yet not being able to bring them home with you right off! I'm so happy for you that they are healthy and strong now!!!

Oh Angie, Having to leave my boys in the NICU was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms when there should be 2 babies in them..no one should have to do that. I DID appreciate the rest and recovery I was able to get for 9 days to heal from the C/S though!

Oh Angie, Having to leave my boys in the NICU was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms when there should be 2 babies in them..no one should have to do that. I DID appreciate the rest and recovery I was able to get for 9 days to heal from the C/S though!

Oh Angie, Having to leave my boys in the NICU was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms when there should be 2 babies in them..no one should have to do that. I DID appreciate the rest and recovery I was able to get for 9 days to heal from the C/S though!

Oh Angie, Having to leave my boys in the NICU was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms when there should be 2 babies in them..no one should have to do that. I DID appreciate the rest and recovery I was able to get for 9 days to heal from the C/S though!

Oh Angie...That was amazing. I still feel that bittersweet feeling I felt on that ride home from the hospital when reading this...it was the best and worst 10minutes of my life. I just wept the whole way. You have written about it so beautifully.

I am so sorry you had to do that. I had a 28 weeker and had to leave her in the NICU for 6 weeks. I know how very difficult it is. And the difficulty is increased when you have children at home too, because you are being pulled in 2 directions at a time when you just want to hold your babies!

I am so SO sorry. We had to leave our baby at the hospital too. I remember feeling so torn between my child at home and my child at the hospital. There is no winning. How are your boys now? I hope they are healthy. I'm adding your button. You are my new hero.

To too know this feel. With my triplets, I was hospitalized for 5 weeks before they were born. I always felt like to had to choose between my children. I have a young 2 year old left at home but I had to so what was best for the unborn babies I carried. It just ripped my heat apart.And then to come home, but leave my babies in the hospital...I have never felt so incomplete. Thankful our time a part was not so long, I can't imagine how people do it for triplet digit days.

This post is so poignant. I too had to go home from the hospital empty handed, leaving my baby in the NICU. Because I couldn't hold her very much while I was in the hospital nor rest with her upon my chest like I did with my son after he was born, I took to holding a stuffed pink bear. Crazy, I know but it gave me something to 'hold'.

After I left the hospital, I remember life as a blur of activity. Loving and caring for my son every spare moment I had, pumping breast milk, running back and forth to the hospital. I was exhausted but eventually my little girl came home and has thrived ever since.

I cannot even imagine how heart wrenching that must have been for you! You older 3 must have been SO excited to see you! Great post, great blog! I just came here via SITS. So glad I found this blog. I thought I was one of the only crazies with 5 kids!

I can't imagine how hard that would have been. I was telling my mom just today how sometimes I feel like such a jerk when I complain about how much my kids are driving me crazy. They are home and safe and yes, a little out of control, but some people don't have that luxury. You blessed me with this post.

I had to leave my youngest at the hospital too. Thankfully it was only for 3 days. But I was such a mess! And then all those feelings came back when my daughter had to leave her first born at the hospital too.

My twins were born 5 weeks early and spent two weeks in the hospital. I was lucky, in that it was in New Zealand and mothers were then entitled to at least a two week stay afer having their baby/babies.

I got to stay with them for those two weeks. I can't imagine how I would have felt if I'd had to go home and leave them behind..

I just can't even the angst of your entire situation. I had never heard of Monoamniotic twins so I visited your other website; what an ordeal, but seeing those 2 red headed adorable boys brought such a smile to my face.