The Eichelbaum Report provides an indepth analysis of the debacle that was the NZRFU's
bid to be Australia's sub-host for the 2003 Rugby World Cup. It is a 57 page
report full of legalize and technical jargon, much of which is bewildering to
the average rugby punter (even Murray Mexted admitted he couldn't be bothered
reading it).

With this in mind we bring you (and Murray) an exclusive translation of the
key conclusions of the report.

KEY CONCLUSIONS IN BRIEF

1. The form of the bid for RWC2003 submitted by ARU and NZRFU in 1997
was disadvantageous to NZRFU. The arrangements were open-ended and left NZRFU
in a vulnerable position. It is doubtful however whether NZRFU could have obtained
any better deal.

Translation:John Oneil and the ARU have been trying to screw NZ
out of their role in the 2003 RWC since 1997 but the NZRFU were too dumb to
see it.

2. Until the crisis, NZRFU did not strongly press a case for Government
funding, but it is unlikely any stronger request would have been successful.

Translation:There was no political milage to be had from helping
to fund the NZ involvement in the RWC but once it was obvious that there would
be no NZ involvement no matter what NZ did the government jumped in and scored
a few brownie points, after all, it's an election year.

3. A key factor in what went wrong was the breakdown of NZRFU’s
relationships with IRB/ RWCL and ARU. A critical matter for NZRFU to address
is the rebuilding of those relationships.

Translation:Dave and Murray don't play nicely with John and Vern,
therefore Dave and Murray have been expelled from the NZRFU kindy.

4. From end October 2001 there was a known risk that RWCL might remove
the hosting or sub-hosting rights.

Translation:By October 2001 John and Vern knew that they had us
by the balls, unfortunately our boys have only just worked that out.

5. The bid was made on the basis of “clean” stadia, but at
the outset the definition did not include boxes. Formally, they were not included
until October 2001, but NZRFU knew from at least early July 2001 that RWCL would seek
100% of boxes. RWCL contributed to the problem by not defining its requirements
sooner.

Translation:The NZRFU thought things were sweet because all their
stadia were already very neat, and Dave and Murray were both very well domesticated.
Once Vern and John found out about this they insisted that Dave and Murray make
sure that all the corporate boxes were kept clean too. Anyone who has seen the
state of a post-match corporate box knows full well that this is virtually impossible. We were screwed.

6. The crisis arose because when RWCL required delivery of all the boxes,
NZRFU was unable to deliver them, on account of previous contractual commitments
made to boxholders with NZRFU’s knowledge.

Translation:John and Vern had out-smarted Dave and Murray again.

7. NZRFU had not taken any steps to obtain access to the boxes, relying
on its chairman’s belief that in November 2001 he had reached an arrangement
with the chair of RWCL, Mr Pugh that a “pragmatic solution” would
be found.

Translation:As with the definition of "clean stadia" Vern
neglected to clearly define "pragmatic solution". What he really meant
was "Don't worry about it Murray, John has just told me that the RWCL will
make far more money if we host everything in Aussie."

8. Mr Pugh did not agree with Mr McCaw’s understanding of their
discussion. It had not been confirmed in writing and when asked for confirmation
Mr Pugh had responded on 18 November that provision of clean venues was a fundamental
condition.

Translation:Vern proves the business value of being diagnosed with
selective Alzheimers.

9. The NZRFU Board was unaware of Mr Pugh’s reply but otherwise
was kept informed as critical events developed. Except for the public attacks
on Mr Pugh, all significant executive actions regarding RWC were authorised
by the Board.

Translation:The NZRFU Board add further proof to the business value
of being diagnosed with selective Alzheimers, and although they won't admit to ok'ing the
public attacks they quite enjoyed that bit.

10. NZRFU considered breach of the clean venues condition exposed it
to a liability of up to $A10m. A risk of that magnitude should not have been
left dependent on an unconfirmed oral understanding.

Translation:the NZRFU finally worked out that they had been shafted
and for once show some business savvy, even though they thought "unconfirmed oral understanding" sounded a bit rude.

11. In any event the minimal proportion of boxes available would not
have satisfied RWCL requirements. NZRFU should have pursued obtaining boxes
vigorously at an earlier stage.

Translation:The RWCL and their hazy "clean stadia" definition
proved to be the best trick since Andy Haden fell out of a lineout, and unfortunately
for the NZ rugby public Murray and Dave share something with referee Roger Quittenton, they fell for it.

12. Given a deadline of 8 March 2002 to sign the sub-host agreement
in the form acceptable to RWCL, NZRFU declined to sign and instead offered an
amended document containing protective provisions. RWCL then entered into a
negotiation with ARU, as it had said it would. RWCL recommended ARU’s bid
to host RWC alone. On 18 April IRB rejected NZRFU’s submissions and accepted
the ARU bid.

Translation:At the stroke of midnight Murray and Dave tried to bluff
their way back into the game, forgetting that Vern and his mates owned the pack
and John was more than happy to let them play at his place. Murray and Dave
tried in vain to get back into the game but eventually the IRB bouncers gave
them a good spanking and tossed them out on the street.

13. The NZRFU Board had adopted a cautious approach towards sub-hosting
RWC2003. It was unwilling to do so at any cost. NZRFU gave the appearance of not being fully committed to sub-hosting RWC. The perception was that it
did not allocate sufficient administrative resources. NZRFU’s persistence
in seeking approval to play NPC matches during the RWC period was with the best
interests of provincial rugby in mind but created the impression that NZRFU did not properly value the opportunity to host RWC.

Translation:The NZRFU knew that NPC rugby was far more entertaining
than most test matches but they shouldn't have admitted it.

14. By 8 March, RWCL and ARU had lost confidence in NZRFU. Although
NZRFU made every effort to recover its position it had minimal chances of success
and these disappeared with the personal media attacks Messrs McCaw and Rutherford
made on Mr Pugh.

Translation:Once RWCL had called the NZRFU's bluff they knew they
had won, Dave and Murray could have offered to lend Jonah and Cully to the English
team and they still wouldn't have got a look in. Name-calling can be fun, but
it's not a great way to make friends.

15. NZRFU did not have a viable strategy ready in case its 8 March counter-offer
was rejected. If it was to continue to press a case for sub-hosting, the attacks
were bad tactics. In any event they were inexcusable, and damaged NZRFU’s
credibility.

Translation:When the only idea you can come up with is completely
implausible then calling the other guy names is generally your only option.
Of course name-calling can be fun, but it's still not a great way to make friends.

16. On 5 April NZRFU in fact signed SHUA in its unamended form, but
it was too late to change the outcome.

Translation:When all you have left is your principles, no matter
how unsatisfying they may be, why not grovel them away too.

17. No actions by Messrs Fisher or Gresson, in their capacity as NZ
representatives on IRB (and, in Mr Fisher’s case, a director of RWCL) contributed
to the loss of the sub-hosting.

18. Although my Report criticises actions and decisions by NZRFU, other
factors contributed to the outcome. Both the New Zealand and Australian Unions
played a part in the breakdown of relations between them. Administrative deficiencies
of RWCL contributed to the final crisis.

Translation:Dave and Murray can't take all the credit for this debacle,
but Vern and John would like to thank them kindly for playing into their hands.

As a result of this report both David Rutherford (CEO of the NZRFU) and Murray
McCaw (Chairman of the NZRFU Board) have resigned.

Given the history of this whole sorry affair this seems most appropriate, although it's interesting that they waited until the report was tabled before they jumped.

At present Rob Fischer has stepped into the Chairman position and Steve Tew has taken on a caretaker CEO role. Given the sort of slippery customers that obviously hang out in the upper echelons of the rugby heirarchy maybe Andy "Hollywood" Hayden and Richard "eye-gouge" Loe should take on these top two positions, I'm sure they would give John and Vern a run for their money.

In any case, here at Rugbyheads we think it's time to put this whole debacle to rest and get back to focusing on what is happening on the field. In particular we are hoping that some onfield justice might come out of all this political injustice (all be it largely self-induced injustice). The All Blacks can provide the
best possible payback by marching over to John Oneil's backyard next year, kicking some ass (Aussie, Pommy, French we don't care) and bringing the World Cup back home to their loyal supporters in the spiritual home of rugby, the land of the long white cloud.

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