You might recall Rad Dog, the sunglasses-wearing dog who gives advice and quotes 90′s Ice Cube films. Now it appears Rad Dog — like many of us — is ready for summer again after last week’s wind and rain.

Today’s youth know only of the Smurf’s wild adventures with Neil Patrick Harris in NYC. They’re too soft to be told stories of Smurf-on-Smurf gang violence that broke out over the only Smurf female. Those were tough times in Smurf Village.

In reality, the young children I saw wandering down Clarion Alley with their parents were learning all kinds of life lessons about human excrement, public urination, and alcoholism. I don’t think they even noticed Gangster Smurf.

When you think of pipes, you don’t tend to think of female anatomy. Well, that’s where your wrong! Female pipes do exist. The above photo is one spotted in the wild; you can tell it’s female because it has a pipe vagina.

Ever heard of Women’s World magazine? If you’ve shopped at Safeway, the answer is yes.

But have you ever stopped and read the covers, week after week? The magazine’s frequently contradictory headlines seem too overt not to be intentional. Seeing the need to document this, I went to great lengths to occasionally photograph the magazine cover while in line at Safeway when I had my phone with me and bothered to think about it.

And now: the results of my painstaking research. All covers of Woman’s World magazine that I found contain the following top headlines:

Fad diets. Keep in mind this is a weekly magazine. The target audience can’t even stick to one fad for more than seven days. Weekly diet tips are frequently compared to a gastric bypass, as though a gastric bypass was already under consideration.

Sugary deserts. Promises of a desert recipe are on every cover. The deserts are described as “feel good” or “instant bliss.” Often the deserts are described as though they were intended for family members, but not always.

In conclusion, this magazine is aimed at women who don’t have an internal conflict between making sweet deserts and becoming dangerously obese.

One could argue that all impulse buys based on denial. But does it need to be spelled out in bold headlines?

Oh and Safeway: why suggest a gastric bypass to your customers while they’re checking out? Isn’t that a bit mean? Or at the very least, shooting yourself in the foot?

An open letter.

This is an open letter to whoever photoshopped this:

You’re fired. That’s right — fired.

Now I know I’m not your boss. That’s just how bad this is. Think of it like a citizen’s arrest but for public displays of incompetence. I don’t care if the original photo depicted the rotten corpse of a woman who’s face had been torn apart by wolves, because the result of your failure at photo editing is far worse.

So I hope you can understand why you’re fired. Now gather your things and get the hell out.