teaser: Hey, I didn't know Chaka Khan was a Republican
by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
Smells like UPN Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Highlight package from Monday - if YOU need highlights, go find that RAW
report - I'm just gonna lay out for about three minutes
Backstage, Triple H paces around, waiting for his wife's arrival. Trish
shows up and tries to apologise for the way the match ended - she's *so*
embarrassed. Triple H goes into a bit of a tirade, blaming Trish for all
his marital problems - then asks her to please stay far away, starting now.
She takes off.
Opening Credits - close captioned logo
Pyro! UPN show identification! Folks with signs! And such! It is 3.8.2K
and we're on tape from the Jefferson County Civic Center in Birmingham, AL
(taped 1.8) - this ... is WWF SMACKDOWN!
SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with Grandmaster Sexay) v. X (with D) - tonight: a huge tag
team event - Rock and Kane team to take on the Big Show and Chris Benoit!
Road Dogg takes third headset right in front of the "Leave Napster Alone"
sign, joining our pair of kings at the commentary table, MICHAEL KING COLE
& JERRY LAWLER. For those of you living in a cave, X-Pac and Road Dogg are
engaging in "friendly rivalry" as singles wrestlers, meaning they get to
crap up TWICE as many matches as when they're a tag team. Well, maybe I
was a bit harsh just now. Sorry. Crowd is quick to chant "X-Pac Sux."
Lockup, side headlock by Scotty - powering out into the ropes,
shoulderblock by Scotty, jumping up and down for no reason, off the ropes,
up and over, leapfrog by 'Pac, hiptoss by 'Pac, Hotty gets the boots on him
and they simultaneously nip up....then Hotty decides to show off a little
breakdancing to prove his superiority as a wrestler. 'Pac runs at him but
eats a right and goes down. Back up, arm wringer, side headlock,'Pac
powers out, Scotty off the ropes, back to back and back on his feet after
going over, big superkick and X-Pac goes outside. Dogg gets Sexay later
tonight. Scotty tries a baseball slide dropkick, but X-Pac sidesteps it.
Kick, kick, right, Hotty rolled back in, X-Pac follows. Suplex gets 2.
X-Pac to the headlock - Scotty slowly getting back to his feet. Dogg got a
good line about Cole bleaching his hair. Hotty manages to reverse the
wristlock into a side headlock, but X-pac turns THIS to a backdrop suplex -
for 2. Head to the buckle. Head to the buckle again - Hotty starting to
no-sell, rubbing his hairdo for strength. 'Pac puts him in the buckle
again - Hotty makes sure his hair is STILL standing on end,
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right puts him down -
into the ropes is reversed, duck, flying jalapeno by Hotty...for 2. X-Pac
put in the corner - and sidesteps the charge. After the shoulder hits the
post, X-Pac is quick to followup by standing on the neck. Looks like time
to gallop...but the broncobuster MISSES! Hotty off the ropes with the
bulldog, the face, W O R M and so on - 1, 2, foot on the bottom rope.
X-Pac wants time out. Nothing doing - Hotty over for the Ten Punch Count
Along, which X-Pac halts at five with an uppernut that goes unseen by
referee "Blind" Tim White. X Factor. 1, 2, 3. X-Pac NEVER jobs in
singles matches. (4:12)
The Triple H cam catches some more pacing. A limousine pulls up and
Stephanie gets out. She doesn't want to talk about it - "I'm sure it'll
work out and everything will be all right...but I need some space right
now." We watch her walk off - Triple H trying to follow but Stephanie says
for the fourth time that she needs some space. So we watch her walk off as
H stays put. Following her through a doorway...and Kurt Angle approaches.
"Hey, can I have a word with you? I just want to say I'm really sorry for
all you've gone through, but if you ever really need to talk to someone,
you know, someone to talk to, I'm a really good listener. If you need
anything, ANYTHING, Steph...I'll always be there for you...as a friend. I
really mean that." Stephanie asks if he can tell her where Trish Stratus
is. Angle points the way and she walks off. That's right! She's doing
some more WALKING!
Earlier Today, the ho's led a "Save the Ho's" chant while picketing outside
the arena. It would have been funnier if they'd camped out next to the
bible dude that always seems to be outside OUR arenas...hell, probably
yours too, eh?
Here comes SKIPPY & WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW & CHRIS BENOIT to say a few words.
"Undoubtedly, the balance of power has shifted here in the World Wrestling
Federation...to my - well, actually I should say our favour. And that's
why I have aligned myself with some of the greatest talent that the World
Wrestling Federation has to offer. And let me rattle off a few of them to
you. Let's first start with the World Wrestling Federation tag team
champions - get on your feet and give it up for Edge & Christian! Next in
line, yes it's true, yours and my Olympic Hero, let's here it for Kurt
Angle. How 'bout standing to my left - the greatest technical wrestler
ever to step foot in the World Wrestling Federation ring. Give some
respect to Chris Benoit. And last, but certainly not least, the biggest,
nastiest athlete in the world today - ladies and gentlemen, the seven foot
two, over five hundred pound, let's hear it for the Big Show! You see,
collectively, there's nothing that we can not accomplish. And that's why
every target that we have chosen has lay obliterated in the wake of
destruction. ["Rock E!"] Oh, his time is coming but I'll get to that in a
second. You see, it doesn't matter how big, how small, how tall, or who
you are - if you are the target, and this group chooses you - then at our
choosing we will obliterate you and take you out...like that. You see, the
first target on our list happens to be someone that the Big Show knows
pretty darn well, and Show I turn this back over to you as it relates to
our friend...the Undertaker." "Thank you very much. Oh, Undertaker, how
you must rue the day that you turned your back on me and left me hangin'
high and dry! You wanted a nasty animal? You wanted the biggest, meanest
freak to ever set foot in the WWF? Buddy, you got a taste of him first
hand. You know, when I was sittin' at home getting my knee put back
together, I laid watching TV and I heard about 'the Undertaker's back!
He's bigger then ever! He's more ferocious! He's dangerous! He's the
American Bad(beep)!' Well, oh pray tell if he's so bad, if he's SO BAD,
well let's just look at some of the clips we have put together, and just
see how bad he really is! Now here's the BA I like to call him, got
Shane-o Mac by the neck, and I'm gonna, now look - look how smart I am
here, Shane - I got you - he's so stupid, he turns his back - YOU DON'T
EVER TURN YOUR BACK ON ME! And there it is - booya! The forearm bone
connected to the chin bone, there's the lights out bone. That wasn't good
enough, he's still talking smack! So then what happened, he got targeted,
he got picked apart by a pack of dogs, and then he got his leg broken. So
Undertaker, I want you to sit at home, and I want you to think about
something, you're not BA, no, you're not the American Bad(beep), no my
friend you're the American Dumb(beep)." "Speaking about dumb(beep)es,
let's talk about our friend Chris Jericho. Who just three days later, made
the mistake of running his mouth off, only to find out that a chair to the
head will shut you up every time. Let's take a look at the man who did NOT
prove me wrong. Aw, run your mouth - textbook! (laughs)" "And boy, the
fun didn't stop there, no no no, because another target that was chosen
happened to be last Monday night. Allow me to once again bring your
attention over here to the TitanTron, and let's show you, yes, oh man! Jeff
Hardy going up top for the senton - oh no no no, 1, 2 and DENIED, Christian
comes in and whammo! Right to the back by Edge - perfect shot, and then
oooooh! Lemmesee ooooh! You hear ooooh! Did you hear the cranium
cracking in-between the steel, now that was absolutely, to steal a line
from you Chris Benoit, textbook. Give it up for Edge and Christian on that
one! But now, what's in store for this evening. Well, in Commissioner
Foley's words of wisdom, Commissioner Foley has made a match this evening,
happens to be a tag team matchup - whereas the Big Show will be teaming up
with Chris Benoit, and together they will be taking on Kane....and the
Rock! You see, we also share all your happiness. We share your happiness
because tonight, Kane and the Rock happened to be our targets of
destruction."
Trish Stratus and her stable have a brief chat...until Stephanie barges in.
She's got some words for the conniving, manipulative (beep). "If you ever
go near my husband again...I'll take you apart!" She ticks off the past
week - "oh, Hunter show me some moves," bent over in front of him, empty
apologies, asking for move help *again*, and finally, the last picture on
RAW - with her face in his "private area." "From now on Trish, the only
move you'll be doing is walking away from my husband - is that clear?"
After she leaves, Test breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank God I didn't
marry THAT woman!"
UPN bumper - the only one they've got - sigh - repeat
Commentators shill "Freedom" - coming this fall on UPN. Will Lawler say
EVERY time they hype it "Hey, that looks like The Matrix!?" Of
COURSE he will - UPN recylces ad copy like they recycle ad bumpers
Triple H is bein' cool and eatin' fruit when Stephanie appears in the
locker room. "Well, I don't think we have to worry about Trish Stratus
anymore?" "Why not?" "Never mind." Triple H wants to talk it out, but
Stephanie isn't interested. There's a knock at the door - it's Harvey
Wippleman, come to bring word that Commissioner Foley requests the presence
of both of them in his office right away.
EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) and RIKASHMONEY (with Let Us Take You
Back To The Fully Loaded Cage Splash) v. BALD VENIS (with Trish Stratus)
and TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Chyna #1, a comic book from Chaos, comes out
Saturday. I hear she does a crappy backflip and handspring elbow in THAT,
too. Guerrero and Venis start. Gutshot, right, right, scoops him over his
head, then drops him down. That's Venis, I mean. "Celebrity Deathmatch"
features Mankind tonight. I missed it. Right, right, whip into the
opposite corner is reversed by Guerrero, clothesline ducked, Eddie blocks a
right and throws four of his own - into the ropes is reversed, Guerrero
tries to leap up for a 'rana but Venis catches him halfway up, then takes
him to the ropes - but he holds on and it's *Venis* taking the tumble to
the floor. Guerrero follows out - right, right, Venis right, right, right,
right, right, Rikishi over with a thrust - double whip into Chyna's
clothesline! Eddie and Rikishi each take one of Chyna's hands and kiss it,
then stomp on Venis - they do it again. Back in the ring, tag to Rikishi,
Tazz comes in and Rikishi puts him down with a right, and another, as Chef
Boyardee brings you the double feature of Chyna's clothesline (ugh).
Rikishi has Tazz in a choke - Venis over, HE eats a right. Headbutt for
Tazz. Double clothesline. Venis whipped into the corner,Tazz whipped into
Venis, Rikishi warms up his rump and hits the fat ass splash. Samoan Drop
for Tazz - he walked right into it! Superkick for Venis. Guerrero is on
top - tentatively looking at his elbow - will he do it? YES! FROG SPLASH!
Covering Venis and referee "Blind" Jack Doan says "what the hell, let's
pretend he *is* the legal man" and counts the pinfall. (2:03) First one
in six months, you know. Here's a replay - it looked good! Also, Val's a
champ for letting him land on him like that - especially when his ribs just
MIGHT still be throbbin' from the cage dive.
The Commissioner's office is behind a cyclone fence with barbed wire on
top. Everybody thinks it's *hilarious* that he's got at least one cactus
in his office at all times but me, but I'll note it for everybody else.
Foley tells Stephanie that he's fining her for skipping out on the match
Monday - and if she does it again, he's "going to have to strip you....of
your WWF Women's Championship!" Kurt Angle enters the office. "Oh hey
Kurt--" "Get away from my wife!" "We're just friends..." "Friends my
(beep)!" Foley says he knows for a fact that Stephanie and Angle are MORE
than just friends...they're tag team partners. Tonight, him and her - and
him - will team up in a six person tag team match, no DQ, against Lita and
the Dudley Boyz. Foley bangs his gavel and we're off to break
Too Cool & Rikishi eat Crunch 'n Munch
Bally's slogan should be "get the nipples you want."
Moments Ago - Foley said some stuff
And now, the WWF Whack of the Night, brought to you by Whacko Tobacco!
From RAW, Edge and Christian make merry with chairs
Backstage, Matt Hardy tells his brother that he's not going out there
tonight, and that's it. Jeff says he's fine, and besides, he'll need
someone there on his side since both tag team champions will be out there.
Matt says he's taken care of them both before, but what he can't handle is
Jeff taking one more shot to the head and ruining everything they've worked
for. "I'm your older brother, and there's a life after wrestling. I want
you to live to see it. Lita, PLEASE keep him back here." Jeff shows off
his black eye makeup.
EDGE (with Christian) v. MATT HARDY (by his damn self) - Tonight,
SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, the Lorillard Youth Smoking
Prevention Program, and Bally Fitness - get the nipples you want! No mic
time for our champions? Hardy starts out with blatant thievery, spearing
Edge in the middle of the ring! Peppering him with punches, right, Edge
fires back, they trade blows, Hardy ducks and knocks him down. Got him by
the hair, right, head to the mat, Christian on the apron, HE gets a shot.
Edge dumped out to the floor. Hardy to the top - plancha turns into a
double clothesline on both men - ouch! Edge put back in - 1, 2, no.
Scoop...and a slam. Hardy on the second rope - guillotine hits...for 2.
Right, into the ropes is reversed, Christian pulls the ankle and drags him
outside. Hardy blocks his right and KO's HIM with two. Edge hits a
baseball slide dropkick, stomp, stomp, and back in to distract referee
"Blind" Jim Korderas while Christian gets in his licks - stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, maybe that
was one too many, please don't sue me. Matt put into the barricade. And
shoved back first again. Stomp, stomp, put back in, Edge follows, Hardy
with a couple weak punches, Edge to the eyes. Kick, right, right, right,
right, kick, stomp, stomp, choke for 4. Hardy block, right, block, Edge
ducks and deposits Hardy on the top rope - climbing up behind him but Hardy
elbows him away. Hardy to the top rope - moonsault! 1, 2, kickout.
Christian puts a chair in the ring, but before Edge can use it, Hardy rolls
him up with a schoolboy...for 2. Korderas puts the chair out as Hardy's
whip is reversed, Christian clubs him in the back off the ropes, flapjack
by Edge...for 2. Edge going up top...Matt over with a right, HE'S on the
top rope - SUPERPLEX!! Both men are down and Korderas starts a new count.
Here comes...JEFF HARDY? He's got a ladder and he's ready to run into
Christian with it, knocking him down. Jeff sets up the ladder - LITA is
out as well. With the ladder out on the floor, Hardy climbs to the top and
gives a guns pose. But he clutches his temple, wobbles, and falls onto the
top rope, doubling over and then falling to the mat. Matt over to check on
Jeff - Edge stands in the ring, stunned...then decides to grab the chair
and whack Matt in the head with it. Korderas, himself stunned, calls for
the bell (DQ 4:36). Edge & Christian walk back up. Edge: "How's it feel,
boys? You're nothing but a (thief?) You don't have what it takes!"
Replay of Jeff's spill - and Edge's chairshot on Matt. Lita is crying in
the ring as the EMT's tend to Jeff...
The crowd quickly perks right up as we cut to KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY standing
in the presence of the greatness that is the Rock. Rock tells Chris Benoit
he ain't special - the camera guy could be Chris Benoit, that sexy mama
over there could be Chris Benoit...even Kevin Kelly would be Chris Benoit.
"Would everyone like to see Kevin Kelly become Chris Benoit? Excuse the
Rock one second." He turns his back to the camera and obscures our view of
Kelly. "Shut your mouth, jabrone. Open your mouth." "But why?" "Open
your mouth or the Rock will kick your candyass!" Rock has him shut his
mouth...then returns to the spot where he started. "Kevin Kelly, you are
now Chris Benoit. Smile, jabrone!" We see that Rock has blacked out one
of his teeth. "Keep smiling, jabrone!" Rock suggests Benoit stick his
tongue through that goofy gap of his and go lick a wolverine's anus -
"anus" is beeped, of course. Then he tells Kelly to go lick the anus and
takes the mic for himself. Turning to the Big Show, Rock says he got his
attention by giving him the chance to once gain dust off his old "parody
chokeslam" chestnut. "Ahhhehhhooooaaaoooaaaughh" Rock promises that Kane
and the Rock will kick their candyasses all over SmackDown!, if ya
smellllllalalala and so on
And now, get ready for some Maximum Power, delivered by RC Edge Maximum
Power cola! From SmackDown! last Thursday, Big Show chokeslams Kane
through a table.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW and CHRIS BENOIT (with Skippy) v. KANE and LA ROCA -
wow, when was the last time we saw Rock as early as halfway through the
show? Kane decides not to wait andgoes for Show - the two quickly take
over on the one - hit the Rock's music! Benoit tossed over the top by
Rock, Show tossed over the top by Kane. After a brief regrouping, Benoit
comes back in to meet the Rock - they both hammer on each other a bit,
Benoit goes to the eyes, elbow, knife-edge chop, chop, kick, chop, right,
knee, knee, knee, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock with a
belly-to-belly. Right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Going
for the whip into the corner, but Benoit holds on, gutshot, swinging
neckbreaker. Show tagged in - well it's a big right, well it's a big
right, well it's a big right, well it's a big elbow, well it's a big whip
into the opposite corner, Rock springs off with a forearm shiver. Tag to
Kane - right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, duck,
Kane flies and hits a shoulderblock. Right hand, whip is reversed, Kane
with a gutshot, right, into the ropes is reversed (maybe they should just
GIVE UP on the Irish whip), Benoit gets a knee in th eback - Kane turns to
Benoit and grabs him in a choke, pulling him over the top rope and into the
ring...but before he can give him the chokeslam, Show is over to pound him
in the back. Well it's a big knockdown. Kane run into the corner - he
tries to get in a show, but Benoit holds onto him from behind as Show
repeatedly runs his shoulder into the abdomen. Tag to Benoit. Crowd
chanting "Rock E" - nuh uh. Benoit with a kick, elbow, kick, into the
corner, and a backdrop suplex as he comes out. Cover...2. Kane with a
shot, Benoiti runs him back into his corner - Kane with a few blows, Show
puts an elbow to the head and tags himself in. Well it's a big right.
Well it's a big kick, two more kicks, into the opposite corner, but Kane
puts up an elbow - then a big boot. Kane springs out with a bulldog. Both
men are down and looking to tag. Tag to Benoit - tag to Rock. Rock
blocks, right, right, right, into the ropes - no, Benoit holds on but Rock
slips that and gets Benoit in a Samoan Drop. Into the ropes, gutshot, DDT,
cover - 1, 2, no. Benoit to the gut, another kick, Rock catches the next
one and busts out the dragon screw legwhip! Rock going for...the
Sharpshooter?!? Yup. Show wants to come in and break it up but somehow
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner keeps him at bay. Shane comes in, and Rock
puts him out of the ring with one right hand. Turning back to Benoit, who
takes advantage of the broken hold to strike - right, into the corner,
grabbing the arm for the crossface, Rock punches to get out of it, right,
right, Rock Bottom attempt fails when the Show comes in and knocks down
Rock. He wants to chokeslam Rock, but KANE comes in and punches - right,
right puts Show over the top to the floor. Kane out, followinghim. In the
ring, Rock hits the spinebuster and goes into the motions for the People's
Elbow...giving Shane *just* enough time to fly in with a chair to the
noggin as Rock comes off the ropes for the last time. Shane skips out of
the ring as Benoit climbs to the top - SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! Cover - 1, 2,
3!! (7:11 - free Slurpee!) Shane gives Kane the chair to the head - but
doesn't have the same effect. Kane takes the chair away and chases Shane
up the ramp - at one point tossing the chair and almost taking out the
cameraman! Shane crawls back just enough to allow Show to catch up and hit
him from behind. They brawl over to the OvalTron, where Kane takes over
with a low kick. Shane is back and kidney punching him from behind - Kane
turns to face Shane, takes some kicks, some more rights...meanwhile Show
has pulled off a piece of the metal stage (which just a *leetle* bit of
help from a pair of hands under the stage - hmm, I think we weren't
supposed to see that) - now over to break up Kane's choke of
Shane...dragging him over to the hole in the
stage...ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Shane registers his shock at the
brutality just witnessed and freezes until we all see him. The camera
moves to look through the stage, where Kane's laid out on the concrete
floor. The EMT's bring a "BJCC first aid" backboard over...but Kane
refuses the help, instead crawling away...
Moments Ago...oops, that one camera angle seems to have Kane "bounce" a
bit. Anyway, we're told that Kane is refusing medical attention.
Steven Richards takes his men to the APA - they actually use the door
(heh). They load up their boxes with all the beers, playing cards, and
cigars. Goodfather stops to take a longing look at a fine cigar. "Mr.
Goodfather....that is wrong." "You're right - it's wrong!" After emptying
the file cabinet (damn, how many decks of cards do they need?), Richards
sticks some international "no" symbols on the file cabinet, table...and on
their way out, on the door. "The APA...is closed for business."
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. PERRY
SATURN (with Nipples) - you know, Terri can do that bit with the fingers
behind her head all she wants...and she does...but it *still* doesn't make
me think "she-devil." When *I* think "She-Devil," I think Roseanne, Ed
Begley, Jr. and Meryl Streep. It's a curse, really. Blackman has a chain
around his fist, but decides he really doesn't need it, throws it down and
leaves the ring - and runs smack into a superkick. Oh oh, Glacier's gonna
get mad that Saturn's using his move! Saturn under the ring, handing a
fire extinguisher to Terri, then turning back to Blackman where HE eats a
kick - Terri gives him a spray. Clothesline by Saturn, into the ring,
Saturn introduces a few garbage can lids and brings in a can. "Here, catch
this." "I ain't falling for that - YOU catch this." "Huh? Ohh....well,
okay" and Blackman kicks him right in the can. Going over to grab Saturn,
Terri gives him a lidshot right in the lid. Blackman, now starting to get
pretty annoyed, leaves the ring and grabs her in a choke - Saturn saves
with a plancha from the top to the floor - cover....2. Saturn with an
elbow, right, block, right, now halfway up the ramp and Saturn hits a
modified jackhammer. Terri says "Look! I can put my fingers behind my
head!" Saturn covers - referee "Blind" Chad Patton gets 2. Saturn's
bleeding from the back...AL SNOW flies out and levels Saturn with Head.
Blackman over to cover - 1, 2, 3. (1:40) Gosh, that was kinda
anti-climactic. On one hand, Snow DID owe Blackman one for costing them
the win on Monday, but on the other..I'm sure Blackman would have
eventually turn the tide and scored the win on this chump without any help.
Kind of a waste of a good match...but hey, the crowd gives a good pop to
Blackman. Terri finally realises that her hair is obscuring her nipples,
and brushes it back one time before we cut to
The ho's find another sympathetic crowd to chant "Save the ho's." Lawler
takes the opportunity to squeak in extra monosyllablic grunts during EVERY
pause.
The Acolytes come back to their office to find nothing but an empty
ashtray, an empty file cabinet, a light. "Those three Ward Cleaver lookin'
jack(beep) cleaned us out! They just got the right to get our boots stuck
up their (beep). We just became a collection agency." "Tell you what -
we'll find their (beep) - and we find our beer!" We zoom in on the script
left behind...handwritten on the cover is "you hvae been CENSORED - thanks
a lot!"
So, like, eating a Slim Jim before swimming will DROWN you, apparently.
Does this make you want to snap into one?
And now, the WWF Burn of the week, presented by Stacker 2! From RAW,
Triple H calls Stephanie "Trish," and she (sexist remark removed to prevent
me from getting emails).
Triple H wants to run down strategy with his wife, and suggests she get
changed while he talks. Stephanie tells him she would rather change alone,
as she doesn't feel comfortable undressing in front of him. "Please
leave!" I missed the part where she said "the cameraman can stay" but it
must have been implied...
RIGHT TO CENSOR (with Steven Richards) v. APA - The HO'S have moved near
the ringside area once again. "I don't know how many times I need to say
this--" Faarooq and Buchanan tussle on the outside - Buchanan into the
STEEL steps, while Bradshaw and Goodfather go at it in the ring - whip is
reversed, Goodfather with a shouldertackle, Bradshaw kicks him, clothesline
in the corner, into the ropes, back elbow, kick, chop, right, into the
opposite corner, Goodfather clotheslines out and tags Buchanan. Right,
right, into the ropes, head down, clubbing forearm by Bradshaw. Right,
right, into the corner, Buchanan with "what athleticism" and the
clothesline from the bounce off the top rope. Faarooq tagged in - right,
clothesline for Goodfather, spinebuster for Buchanan, scoop slam for
Goodfather, but Richards has passed the stick from his "NO" sign to
Goodfather, and he breaks it over his back - Buchanan with the axe kick -
referee "Blind" Teddy Long turns back around and counts the fall. (1:23)
Richards proclaims the outcome "acceptible."
Road Dogg and Mideon have a chat in the locker room - Triple H barges in
and complains about his wife tossing him from their locker room. Dogg says
he'll try to help when he's back from his match. Mideon asks if he can
borrow H's toothbrush. H shoots him a look.
Here's a look at the arena
On Tuesday, Mayor Bernard Kincaid announced that Birmingham was named the
seventh XFL franchise. Geez, it IS the USFL all over again. Also this
week, the new balls were displayed - pictures available elsewhere.
D (with X) v. GRANDMASTER SEXAY (with Scotty 2 Hotty) - Sexay with a right,
right, right, gum spit to X-Pac at the commentary table, then back to Dogg,
but ending up in a side headlock. Powering out off the ropes, Dogg with a
shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Sexay tries a leapfrog but Dogg puts in the
brakes, clothesline ducked, kick to the gut, move busted, head to the mat -
1, 2, no. Kick to the gut, into the ropes, reversed, clothesline ducked,
Sexay catches the next one and hits a reverse Russian legsweep. Sexay
going up top - X-Pac: "Uhh, I gotta go tie my shoe," and he's over to shove
him off - unfortunately, not doing a terrificly good job as Sexay lands on
his feet, turns around and grabs a celebrating 'Pac by the hair, spins him
around...X-Pac ducks the right and grabs HIS arms so Dogg can get a shot,
but Sexay ducks and X-Pac takes the right! Sexay with a rollup...1, 2,
NO!! Well, I can't *believe* they avoided the predictable ending there.
Sexay waits for him to get back up - superkick. Hotty gives him the
goggles...up to the top rope - hip hop drop! X-Pac in - Hotty in to take
out X-Pac - referee "Blind" Tim White so occupied with all this
extracirricular stuff that he ignores Sexay's cover - spinning heel kick
finds the mark. Dogg covers - 1, 2, 3. "Just had to tie my shoe there
real quick!" (1:58) 'Pac makes the mistake of getting in the ring on his
way out - Too Cool converge on him - Dogg back in and it's on once again.
DX takes control...so it's time for RIKASHMONEY to come out - down *you*
go, and down *you* go. Dogg taken outside while X-Pac is put in the
corner. Rikishi gives Hotty a friendly spanking, then sends him into X-Pac
with a butt splash. Same deal for Sexay - say, maybe he LIKE smackin'
other men's asses, huh? Time for the assmaster...but Dogg pulls him out.
Too Cool's music hits as DX walks off in mutual admiration society mode.
As Triple H gets his elbow taped up, Shane McMahon comes in to tell him
that he needs to get together Kurt Angle...for Stephanie's sake. Funny
that Shane tells him "you saw what happened with Kane, people can get hurt
around here," when really it was *Shane* behind that. Anyway, Triple H
grudgingly accepts Shane's logic, so Shane calls in Angle. Shane tells
both of them that Stephanie's safety is paramount - if she goes through a
table, there'll be hell to pay.
SummerSlam promo - that dude's got bigger tits than Chyna!
Metacuts makes you The Game - and really, REALLY orange
"A Message to Politicans"
Courtesy MSNBC, GOPTV, C-SPAN, WWOR, CNN, a pastiche of clips from the
Rock's appearance at the Republican National Convention.
Your hosts talk about what, to them, hadn't even happened yet, then turn to
a plea for voter registration. "You can have your voice heard in
November!" WOW! DEMOCRACY *CAN* WORK!!
Angle tells Triple H he has a plan for tonight - it has everything to do
with mathematics. "Listen to this...H cubed + I cubed > D cubed, you
understand?" "What the hell are you talking about?" Angle says Triple H
plus his three I's can easily overcome the 3D's of the Dudleyz. "You're an
idiot." "You want me to go a little slower, maybe?" "No, you know where
I'd like you to go, Kurt? I'd like you to go to hell. Now get outta
here." "Wow - you're not showing much team spirit, are you." And he walks
off.
The Dudley Boyz enjoy riding freight elevators and WALKING!
Meanwhile, Lita enjoys the soft glow of a flourescent light...and WALKING!
So, "the Replacements" is all about cheerleaders moving VERY VERY SLOWLY.
Another Crunch 'n Munch ad
Have I said lately there are a lot of ads in this show? What? I say that
EVERY week? Oh.
Hey, here's a look at WWF New York - no reason... we just like looking at
it, I guess.
Earlier tonight, Big Show did a bad, bad thing - we are told that Kane has
FINALLY decided to accept some medical assistance...but only after he
crawled to the ambulance.
THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO and KING KURT ANGLE v. LITA and THOSE DAMN
DUDLEYZ in a no disqualification match - Stephanie doesn't stop at the top
of the ramp with her husband, so he follows after her instead of letting
the coloured lights help him strike a pose. Let Us Take You Back to Monday
where H and Trish simulated sexual acts in the middle of the ring, thanks
to a timely chairshot from the Rock. Strange that pervert extraordinaire
*Lawler* is the one to complain about Lita not pulling her pants up. Chef
Boyardee presents SummerSlam! Bigger for bigger appetites! H and Buh-Buh
Ray start. Buh-Buh Ray turns to Stephanie, and H clubs him in the back
with the forearm. Right, head to the buckle, kick, kick, right, into the
opposite corner, boot up by Dudley, second rope clothesline, right, into
the opposite corner, but H holds on - Dudley ducks the clothesline but H
hits the neckbreaker. Rather unfriendly tag to Angle. "We want table!"
Angle runs into a powerslam. Tag to D-Von, open shot. Into the ropes, big
right hand by Dudley. Into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Angle,
running clothesline, Stephanie with melodramatic "I'm really impressed!"
look, right hand, another look at Stephanie's hideous overacting, and Angle
makes an equally unfriendly tag to Triple H. Dudley blocks a right and
hits one of his own, right, Buh-Buh Ray sneaks in a right, LITA sneaks in a
right, Buh-Buh Ray tagged in. Right, right, right, into the ropes,
reversed, Angle puts a boot in his back and turns to Stephanie - missing
seeing Dudley turn around and knock HIM to the floor. H takes him down
with a clothesline. Head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulls him off - despite
this being a "no DQ" match. Come to think of it, why's everybody content
to wait for a tag? Angle tagged in. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, right, right, standing on the neck. Elbow to the back of the
head. Right. Dudley rakes the face, right, into the ropes but Angle holds
on and snaps off a belly-to-belly. Stephanie is impressed - we get it.
SHEESH. Angle decides to tag in Stephanie. He directs her to kick a field
goal, so she does. H tags Stephanie from behind...much to her dismay?
And, after a look for Angle, he's back on Dudley. Into the ropes is
reversed, head down, facebuster. Stomp. Right. Dudley tries a gutshot,
but H isn't ready to let him come back yet - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
taking him back to the unfriendly neighbourhood and tagging Angle. Open
shot for Angle. Right, right, Dudley with a right, in the corner, moves
the strap, open-handed slap, slap, Angle reverses the whip into the ropes,
but puts his head down - Dudley with a big kick, clothesline ducked and
Angle throws a MEAN German suplex. Both men down - Triple H gets the tag -
got Buh-Buh Ray by the ankle, but he manages to make one last dive and tag
D-Von! Hot tag! Duck, right, right, right, into the ropes, flying back
elbow, clothesline for Angle, into the opposite corner, flying jalapeno. H
put in the ropes, reversed, H with a boot in the gut, trying for a scoop
slam, but Dudley breaks free - jumping reverse DDT! Angle breaks the
count. Buh-Buh Ray puts him out with a right hand, then scoops up Triple H
for a slam. Time for the "wassup" spot, which they can do in Hebner's
plain view with no DQ's. Angle in - Angle scoop slammed - "wassup" with
Angle. D-Von does his war dance, and Buh-Buh Ray unleashes "D-Von, get the
table," to the crowd's delight. Table in the ring - but who to bomb. They
look at Angle - they look at Triple H - they turn around and look at
Stephanie...crowd roars. Buh-Buh Ray makes a rather melodramatic look
himself...and grabs Stephanie by the neck. Triple H FLIES in to break that
up, D-Von knocks him down, Angle knocks HIM down. All four men end up
outside...Lita decides now might be a good time to remind all of us she's
actually IN this match, as she comes in and grabs Stephanie in a hairpull
takedown. Right, right, right, right, right! Stephanie staggeres to her
feet - hairpull takeover! H puts Buh-Buh Ray into the STEEL steps - Lita
with a snap suplex on Stephanie. Going up for the moonsault...but Triple H
pulls her away. Shoulda looked before you lept, eh? Triple H quickly
gives Lita the Pedigree and drags his wife on top of her. D-Von pulls
Triple H out of the ring as Buh-Buh Ray comes back in...and sees Stephanie.
Got her by the hair again - and now in position for the powerbomb! D-Von
and H are brawling up the ramp...so it's up to Angle to hit the chop block
and end the threat. Angle tosses Buh-Buh Ray outside the ring, and
follows. Back in the ring, Stephanie covers Lita, and Hebner actually
notices this time. 1, 2, 3. (9:15) Stephanie gets a big hug from Angle
as they celebrate the victory. Back up on the stage, Triple H makes faces.
"Angle - what are you doing?" Credits are up - and we're out.
AFTER THE FACT: Nick Crawford was THERE, MAN: Hey, CRZ! Just wanted
to drop you a line and tell you how much I enjoy your recaps every week.
I also wanted to comment on the taping of WWF Smackdown! that I attended
last night. For the most part it was a great show, without any noticeable
production flaw. Mick Foley only appeared on the Oval-Tron which was
horrible because you can hardly hear a word exchanged on the thing. I
really wanted to hear Foley talk...oh well. X-Pac and Scotty 2 Hotty
opened the actual Smackdown! show and put on a pretty nifty match. I even
took one of your lines when my friend said that Hotty would win the match.
I simply looked at him and said "X-Pac never jobs in singles matches," and
sure enough... Anyway, there are two things I wanted to pass along--First
of all, the RTC or Censorship Squad or whatever they are calling them
garnered more heat than anyone on the card. I have never heard a more
rousing session of boos in my life. I though Richards, Wright and
Buchanan were going to be lynched. Bull fits the PTC stereotype extremely
well as he sounds like a Southern Baptist Preacher. I don't know if the
accent was planned or not but it worked like a dream. Richards was sooooo
snide! This is by far the best thing he has done in my personal opinion.
The other thing that really got my attention was the Big Show. I know
there are always jokes on how slow and plodding the man is, but this was
worse than usual. I have seen "the Show" live about four times-including
this one--twice with WCW and now twice with the WWF. In the past the man
has at least looked motivated, but last night he was horrible. I mean he
really stunk the joint up. Everything he did looked weak--weaker than
usual. He was also visibly talking to Kane throughout their time together
in the ring and on the entrance ramp. It was probably the most
unprofessional I have ever seen anyone act in either of the 'Big Two.' I
mean, it was so bad that I don't think any bit of editing can help.
Right before he chokeslammed Kane through the stage, the Big Show
conversation with the man! Okay, that is probably a little bit of
exaggeration on my part, but it was pretty bad. Anyway, like I said
pretty good show (Big Show excluded) and a fun time for all. Hey, any
show that has Eddie Guerrero on the card twice is tops with me!!
See? You can do ANYTHING with the magic of editing!
Christopher Robin Zimmermanwww.CRZ.net