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Saturday, January 11, 2014

People don't ever seem to believe me or accept when I say that there is no point in dating as a sterilized individual who identifies as CF. "You'll meet someone who appreciates you for who you are!" In all likelihood, I probably won't. As much as I sincerely appreciate the well-wishing sentiments, they are not founded in reality. Most people don't understand that because they plan to have children and everyone else does too, so they don't encounter the resistance at every turn that CF people do, and don't personally know what it's like living in a society that emphatically states you're of no value to anyone if you won't procreate. So I designed an experiment using OKC, that festering collection of douchebags cloaked in anonymity, to demonstrate what it's really like out there for CF folks.

The OKC Experiment
I created three different versions of my profile in OKCupid.com, for five days each. I did not contact anyone on the site or reply to any messages. Simply put the profile out there to gauge responses. The same profile pictures were used for all three variations.Profile 1: CF Chelsea
Duration: 12/28/2013 - 1/1/2014
Details:
This is the normal version of myself, childfree Chelsea, with truthful
and accurate details throughout. I explicitly stated at the very
beginning of the profile that I am infertile, do not want to adopt kids
or date single dads, and am not on a dating site for random chit-chat.

Number of "likes" to my profile (you get a like if someone rates your profile highly): 5
Number of different guys who contacted me: 17
Number of messages received (some guys sent multiple messages): 25
Number of messages in which the guy actually expressed unambiguous interest in getting to know me and/or going out with me (i.e., they didn't message me just to say "hey" or "good luck!" or ask if I'm watching the Seahawks): 3
Number of messages that were less than 10 words long: 11

OKC lets you choose one of four options for offspring: Wants kids, might want kids, doesn't want kids, or no answer.
Number of guys who stated they were single dads: 4
Number of guys who stated that they want kids: 1
Number of guys who stated that they might want kids (or might want more kids): 5
Number of guys who stated that they don't want kids: 0

Highlight of this batch of messages: "Hey preety". That was the entire message.

Takeaway: Not a single one of the guys who contacted me indicated that he doesn't want kids, and many of them were single dads.

The first guy who asked me out stated on his profile that he "wants kids".

The second guy invited me to drive from Olympia to Seattle (lol, romantic) to have a drink. I do not drink alcohol. He also stated he "might want kids" (which is dating profile talk for "I don't want to specify because I want to attract as many women as possible, but you can safely assume I want kids").

A third guy sort of expressed interest, and claimed he was everything I was looking for. On his profile, his details section described him as a 34 year old unemployed overweight college dropout (his words, not mine) who might want kids and lives in Georgia.

Profile 2: Non-CF Chelsea
Duration: 1/2/2014 - 1/6/2014
Details:
Same profile as before, except I removed all mention of being infertile and not wanting kids. Changed my offspring details from "Doesn't want any" to "Wants kids". Did not change any other details, pictures, or anything else about the profile. Still included the statement that I don't want to date single dads.

Number of "likes" to my profile (you get a like if someone rates your profile highly): 2
Number of different guys who contacted me: 11
Number of messages received: 11
Number of messages in which the guy actually expressed unambiguous interest in getting to know me and/or going out with me (i.e., they didn't message me just to say "hey" or "good luck!" or ask if I'm watching the Seahawks): 3
Number of messages that were less than 10 words long: 0

OKC lets you choose one of four options for offspring: Wants kids, might want kids, doesn't want kids, or no answer.
Number of guys who stated they were single dads: 1
Number of guys who stated that they want kids: 1
Number of guys who stated that they might want kids (or might want more kids): 3
Number of guys who stated that they don't want kids: 0

Highlights of this batch of messages:
"Hey I known you would like me if you gave me a chance, we a kinda similar in a few ways."
"I'd still stay with you if you WERE anorexic, until you died, and grieved for you, I don't need forever."

Takeaway: Interestingly enough, a person with my personality who states that they want children apparently is somehow even less attractive than childfree Chelsea. My theory is that this is because my personality and wanting children do not mesh, at all, so it wasn't a convincing sell. Enter: Profile 3.

Profile 3: Alternate universe baby-crazy unemployed high school dropout Chelsea
Duration: 1/7/2014 - 1/11/2014
Details:
I changed my details to say that I drink "very often", smoke "when drinking", that my astrological sign "matters a lot", education = "dropped out of high school", job = "unemployed", income = "less than $20,000", and then filled out my profile with all caps, intentionally misspelled, arrogant, painfully stupid shit which would make me projectile vomit if I saw it on a man's profile. For instance, under "the first things people usually notice about me", I put "THAT IM FINE AS FUCK AN SMART 2". Under "favorite books: "I DONT READ BOOKS, Y DO THAT WHEN U CAN C THE MOVIE". Under "the most private thing I'm willing to admit": "I GOT 12 PEIRCINGS, GUESS WHERE THEY @". Under "you should message me if": "UR NOT OLD, U WANT SOMEONE TO COOK AND CLEAN FOR U CAUSE I ROCK AT
THAT, AND U WANT A WHOLE MESS A KIDS, LIKE AT LEAST 5 CAUSE BIG
FAMILY'S R TEH BEST!!!!!!!!!!" Someone who I thought would clearly come across as a grade A idiot to be avoided at all costs for all intents and purposes. I was so, so wrong.

Number of "likes" to my profile (you get a like if someone rates your profile highly): 4
Number of different guys who contacted me: 35
Number of messages received (some guys sent multiple messages): 42
Number of messages in which the guy actually expressed unambiguous interest in getting to know me and/or going out with me (i.e., they didn't message me just to say "hey" or "good luck!" or ask if I'm watching the Seahawks): 6
Number of messages that were less than 10 words long: 29

OKC lets you choose one of four options for offspring: Wants kids, might want kids, doesn't want kids, or no answer.
Number of guys who stated they were single dads: 4
Number of guys who stated that they want kids: 3
Number of guys who stated that they might want kids (or might want more kids): 7
Number of guys who stated that they don't want kids: 3

Highlights of this batch of messages:
"you are fine as fuck... in fact better. Maybe you are up for a little day trip to bainbridge to check out the digs you may be cooking in some time..."
"Why haven't we had sex yet?" Good job, I can read reddit too.
"Hey pretty lady :) I really enjoyed your profile! You seem like a truly remarkable, sweet, and interesting woman :)" HAHAHAHAHHAHA
"Come on lets bang"
"Shaved ior trimmed ?"
"Interested in hooking up tounght?"
"Chelsea" That was the entire message. lol

There were several messages that were much more explicit and I'd rather not share them here, but suffice to say I was genuinely horrified that these creatures exist on the same planet as me.

Takeaway: This offensively awful fucking profile got the most attention by far of any of the three: twice as many men messaged it as the CF Chelsea, and twice as many actual requests for a date. Granted, as you can see, a huge chunk of those messages were under 10 words and made almost as little effort to impress as I did. But the fact that any man at all looked at this grammatical abortion of a profile and thought "I need to contact this person for anything whatsoever" really says it all. Do I even need to keep typing at this point? I created a profile which is the polar opposite of everything I have ever aspired to be -- educated, accomplished, well-spoken, witty, classy -- and the guys could not break down my door fast enough. Better yet, this was the only profile variation that attracted any men who explicitly stated that they don't want kids, thereby demonstrating that precious talent so many men have for ignoring facts placed in front of their face and hoping against hope.

For those brave souls who still want to try dating in an overwhelmingly pronatalist world, I recommend avoiding the mainstream dating sites entirely and focusing on sites made exclusively for CF folks, such as YesChildfree. While the pool of candidates will be smaller, at the very least it will save you the headache of wading through endless messages from illiterate babydiggers. Failing that, you can always do what I did, which is to just live your life not expecting much in the way of anything to fall into your lap ;)

18
comments:

This is much win. As a CF single male in Georgia (who HAS graduated college and IS employed) I can definitely tell you its baby crazy here too. Pictures all over facebook from friends I swore would not or need not reproduce. I've also tried OKCupid a little bit, and you hit the nail on the head that basically you're out of luck if you don't want kids. I can find the nicest best match and if they say "Wants kids" or "Might want kids" or answered the "Are you looking for someone to have children with" question, instant turn off. No thanks.

Thanks for doing this experiment and posting this on r/childfree. Best of luck to you in whatever you do!

Jim, I'm really not a fan of rude comments that don't even explain themselves. As I noted in my post, in profile #1 I laid out who I was honestly and in detail. I put up several recent pictures and filled out all the parts of my profile so people wouldn't be left in the dark. Basically, I did everything I'd want a guy to do if he were on a dating site. Please enlighten me as to which part of that process makes me "horrible at dating". Is it my fault that my profile attracted a bunch of guys who, as usual, did not read anything I said and messaged me in spite of my status as a sterilized CF person?

As a CF guy living in South Africa, where the 'culture' for bored and unemployed people is to fuck like rabbits and make as many babies as they can before they die, with the hope that at least one lives to become a drug dealer, wanting a CF partner is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I honestly don't think I've met a single couple over here that doesn't want kids. At least I know that there are other people with similar interests out there. Have that going for me I guess.

I haven't tried any dating sites over here, but looking at these results, there's probably no reason to even bother. Thanks for being the test monkey ;)

It's good to have goals. Push 'em hard and Junior might even be the next Tony Montana! :P

Sounds brutal. What brought you to South Africa? Living in the PNW, I thought there would be more open-minded people who would be interested in a pursuing a relationship without children. I have never been more flat-out wrong about anything in my life.

As a CF girl living in South Africa... I can only say.... I agree with the Flying Scotsman.I don't want kids and I don't ever see myself wanting them, but I may want to fall in love someday. Sucks that every man you meet out here is only interested in your value as a baby incubator.At least I now know I am not totally alone in my opinions.

I seem to recall that you sound like Dwight Schrute and I didn't have the energy to refute your ridiculous over-serious comment. This isn't a lab, it's a freaking blog. And I will report the results of my silly OKC experiment however I want. If you disagree, you are welcome to not read my posts. Thanks much.

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