(This article is written under the premise of the Dominant being Male and the submissive being female. Yes the author realizes there are Feminine Dominants and male subs but for ease of writing she chose this method) *This article was published elsewhere at one time but I requested its removal from that site, should you see it posted anywhere other than right here please let me know by leaving a comment. Thanks*

First things first my darlings… you MUST learn to watch the Dominants around you. Observation is going to save you many hours of frustration if not down right heartache. Now on that note let me caution you… Dominants are human beings who make mistakes and are learning just as you are. If you expect the “perfect” Dominant to come in and sweep you off your little submissive feet you could be in for an extremely long wait. I have heard of submissives going for years without the care and guidance of a wonderful Dominant because they are still waiting for the “One.” And its very sad because there are so many kind and wonderful Dominants out there who can teach you so very much if you let them. So, be cautious and choose wisely but don’t hold a standard of perfection over the heads of Dominants that they can not possibly live up to.

Secondly, dear subbie sister, its very important that you know yourself and what makes you tick. Besides how can you convince a Dominant you are worth His collar if you have no idea of what you offer Him? You cannot possibly hope to find a Dominant who will measure up to your standards if you have no idea what “your” standards are in the first place. Figure out what qualities are most important to you and stick to that when looking at potential Dominants. Something you can do while searching for your “One” is to make a sort of resume of your qualities, strengths, weaknesses, skills, interests, as well as hard and soft limits and any actual BDSM experience you have had. Make a list of things you find intriguing but may not know much about. Its always possible you will find your potential Dominant has experience with those things and would be willing to teach you. For example, I am very interested in the art of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. I was fortunate enough to make friends with a Dominant and His submissive who practice the tradition on a regular basis.

And that brings me to another point. Dont be afraid to ask a Dominant to teach you some of His skills. Just because He is teaching you something you are interested in doesn’t mean you will be collared to that Dominant. There are very wonderful ideas for short-term contracts out there that you can utilize for certain things you want to learn. Another source of information would be other submissives who have the skills you want to learn. Most of us are very willing to pass on what we know and have learned so dont be afraid to ask a submissive for help if you see a trait or skill in them you want to learn for yourself. So, now you are asking “well miss-know-it-all, what ARE some things I should be watching for in a potential Dominant?” Oh I am so very glad you asked me that. The following list of traits are things that I have looked for in a Dominant myself and things that many other submissives have advised are good qualities in any Dominant. My personal top three are:
Compassion
Integrity
Self-Control

There are many other traits i find desirable of course and i plan to discuss more of those things as we go along but the reason these first three are my top three is because in all honesty I think they are also my own personal goals. I want to be more compassionate so i look for someone who consistently displays compassion to guide me. I want to have personal integrity so i will be more willing to learn from someone who holds to their word and isnt easily distracted from doing what is right at all times. And I know i have a need to have more control of myself so i will follow someone who is in control of Himself more readily as opposed to someone who cant keep thier temper or who indulges in drugs or alcohol.

If a Dominant is not compassionate, He may overlook those times when i need gentleness or tenderness and end up hurting me either emotionally, physically, or spiritually. If he is angry all the time i will begin feeling abused or at the very least on edge constantly. If He cant bear the thought of children then im probably not the girl for Him seeing as how i have three of my own who will always be in my life no matter who I’m with. Suppose He thinks the proper way to train a dog to behave is to beat it into submission? What happens when i rebel against something He has required my submission in? Do i then get to look forward to being beaten into submission? Last i heard that sort of behavior is called abuse. Honestly would you trust your well-being to someone who cant get along with children or isn’t kind to small animals?

Integrity because if He is not honest in His dealings in say, the business world, how can i trust that he will be honest with the things that matter to me such as whether or not a service i am attempting to provide for him is pleasing to him or whether or not he is fully aware of my needs and desires in order to really meet them.? If He’s cutting corners at work will He also not cut corners in my training? If He’s constantly calling in sick to work in order to go fishing how soon will he be calling me to tell me He’s going to be home late due to work and instead is out cheating on me? So watch and see if a Dominant you are considering has good personal integrity.

Self-Control is also in my top three because if a Dominant cannot control Himself how can i expect Him to be able to control me? I am a very independent and strong-willed person who pretty much does what she wants when she wants and if my Dominant cant control Himself i will more than likely walk all over the top of Him and then walk off. This is not from a desire to dominate Him or Top from the bottom at all. I am and always will be submissive but because of my life circumstances and upbringing i have a very strong survival instinct and if i think a Dominant cant take care of me and help me learn the things i need to know in order to thrive as a human being, then i’ll do it myself and He better get out of my way or get run over. I dont meant that i am going to be disrespectful to Him but i also wont allow someone who cant control Himself to even attempt to control me.

Now let’s take a look at some other important traits to keep an eye on when looking for the Dom of our dreams. How does He interact with other Doms? Is He respectful and courteous to them or does He come across arrogant to His peers in the lifestyle? Does he seem friendly and receptive to other Doms who have been around longer than Him or does He act as if He knows everything there is to know and other Doms can not possibly teach Him anything new about the lifestyle or being a better Dom? Is He helpful to new Doms or does he blow them off or come off critical of their lifestyle choices? And speaking of lifestyle choices… is He non-judgemental of lifestyle kinks that are not His own or does He react negatively towards those who choose other ways of expressing themselves? Does He attempt to poach collared subs when their Masters aren’t around. This can be anything from flirting with them openly to actually trying to lure them away from their Masters? How does He interact with uncollared subs? Are they less than dirt under His Domly feet? Or does He take the time to greet them, answer any questions they may have, or if the sub needs correction in something is He as helpful about it as possible? Is He patient with uncollared subs, treating them with as much courtesy and respect as He gives another Dominant? Does He keep His word to subs?
Ask around about potential Dominants, and especially ask Dominants you know you can trust. If a potential Dom acts differently with other Dominants when the “lil subbies” arent looking They will know it and be more than happy to keep an eye out for you. If no one’s ever heard of them in the lifestyle then i would question whether or not this person is truly a Dominant or just out to try some kinky sex for a thrill. Ask other subs around you as well. Submissives who have been in the lifestyle for a while will also watch out for each other. If a Dominant is abusive or arrogant or harsh with His submissives word will get around to other submissives very quickly. So seriously listen when a sister sub says Dominant So-n-So might not be good for you. She might know whereof she speaks.

So i have attempted to give you some guidelines of things to watch for when looking for the “Dominant of your Dreams”, for Him and yourself. The most important thing i can tell you is to take it slowly, watch the Doms around you and make a list of the ones that catch your attention. If a Dominant catches your attention write His name down and the thing that attracted your attention in the first place. Then compare Him over a period of time to the list of qualities you find most important. Most imprtantly, GO SLOWLY. This isnt a race. You wouldnt marry the first Man to come along in the vanilla world, so dont accept the first Dominant who offers His collar.

If you have no idea where to start on your list i have put down a few things that in general most submissives find desirable in the Dominants of their choosing to give you some ideas to help you get started:
Loving
Compassionate
Self-controlled
Grounded in Reality
Open Minded
Ethical
Respected
Protective
Chivalrous
Honourable
Truthful
Quick to learn
Patient
Self-assured
Sense of humour