The Creeping Danger of Conspiracy Theorists

Well, that might overstate the case a bit. But some of the latest polling data does seem to show that at least 30 percent of American citizens—and maybe lots more—are as dumb as a bag of inbred hammers.

The poll in question is a delightful one put out this week by Public Policy Polling, a concern ranked by Fordham University as the best out of 28 organizations for the accuracy of its national pre-election estimates in 2012. This time, the folks at P.P.P. decided to have a bit of fun, and rather than polling about which political party is up or down, opted to ask Americans about their beliefs in conspiracy theories. I can just imagine the laughter at the P.P.P. offices when they started putting together the questions.

The results, though, were no comedy. More like a horror movie—and one with a plotline that goes beyond any level of belief.

How many of you think Barack Obama is the Antichrist? You know, the fella (or fellas, depending on which part of the Bible you’re reading) confronted by Jesus in the Second Coming? Twenty-six percent of Americans either believe that the president is preparing for war with the Messiah or aren’t sure that he isn’t. (Of course, since Obama has been in office for five years, these yahoos should really start to wonder what’s taking Jesus so long to get back to Earth to confront the demon president.)

Hopefully, these are the same 26 percent of wackos who believe that the government puts fluoride into drinking water notfor dental health but for “other, more sinister reasons,” as the P.P.P. question read. It was all a communist plot, you see, to do . . . something.

Stanley Kubrick did a delightful send-up of this conspiracy theory in the film *Dr. Strangelove,*with a main character who declared that fluoridation was designed to contaminate the “precious bodily fluids” of Americans. He started World War III because of his beliefs; fortunately, most of the 26 percent probably couldn’t even start a math test.

That doesn’t mean that these uninformed folk are harmless. Fifty-four percent of Americans—more than half the country!—either believes that childhood vaccinations cause autism or aren’t sure whether they do. Never mind that study after study, including one just released by the Centers for Disease Control, say this belief is uneducated malarkey. Why should anyone consider that when we have former Playboy model and B-movie actress Jenny McCarthy disagreeing? Yes, that is where we are: Americans are more likely to believe a nursing-school dropout than PhDs from America’s most prestigious institutions of higher learning.

Which brings us to the next absurdity: climate change. Forty-nine percent either believe the college dropouts and billionaires or aren’t sure if they should—that global warming is a hoax. Notsimply that scientists are in error (which they aren’t) but that they have orchestrated the most expensive, wide-ranging, and mind-numbing fraud in the history of the world, just ’cause.

Once again, it’s the PhDs versus college dropouts like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Sure, there are a few scientists—almost never climatologists—who cast aspersions on the idea that all the melting ice and record temperatures in the world might have something to do with the planet getting warmer. But when the vast, vast, vast majority of scientists—including one hired by the Koch brothers, the multi-billionaires with a financial interest in poo-poohing climate change—have concluded not only that the phenomenon is real but that it is being triggered by man-made pollutants, perhaps doubters should set aside their doubts.

But the Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world have done a great job convincing Americans that climatologists have entered into this massive, incomprehensible conspiracy to fool the world that there’s a problem. The reason, they say, is that climatologists are doing it for the money, so they can continue to live in their climatologist mansions and drive their climatologist Ferraris. (For the 26 percent who might not get it, that was sarcasm.) Meanwhile, the people who selflessly fight for Americans—the billionaire industrialists and oil-industry magnates—speak only truth because, you know, they have no financial reason to suggest climate change is a fraud. After all, they have dedicated themselves to a modest life so they can advance the truth, residing in their tumble-down, billionaire shacks and driving their billionaire 1994 Chevys. (Once again—sarcasm.)

I’m not belittling the McCarthys, Limbaughs and Hannitys simply to be snide. The reality here is that science is hard. It requires deep and long-term training to understand the ractions in ecosystems or microchips or intestines. If a doctor said you had stomach cancer, would you consult Rush Limbaugh for a second opinion? Of course, that sounds like nonsense, but many Americans have no qualms about listening to political commentators and untrained activists when it comes to even more complex scientific questions. In essence, the greater amount of training it takes to understand something, the more likely, it seems, that Americans will turn to people with shallow knowledge for guidance.

Take vaccines and autism. The entire idea started with a horrific, fraudulent study in a 1998 issue of the Lancet. Click on the link to the abstract, and you’ll notice the large, red word “RETRACTED” across it. The reason is that the study has been deemed a fraud. Not a single legitimate study backs the idea. But the McCarthys of the world march on, true believers who are simply unqualified, frightening Americans into believing their children are safer if they have no protections against deadly disease.

The untrained assault on climate change is the same thing. Consistently, political commentators will say such things as “there’s a blizzard! Global warming is fake!” without any understanding that there is a huge difference between weather and climate.) The greater problem was the phrase “global warming,” because the uninformed didn’t understand that rising climactic temperatures can cause changes in an ecosystem that result in wild swings in weather from both cold and hot. That’s why the phrase is now “climate change.” But folks like Limbaugh don’t get it. He just issued a new proclamation that climate change is fake because there has been stratospheric cooling. This is why you don’t get your science from a radio personality—Limbaugh just offered up the very scenario that the climatologists said would occur: climate change causes stratospheric cooling.

So, should you listen to me? Of course not. I’m not a scientist either. But there is plenty of valid research, easily accessible through google, that lays out the trends and issues surrounding the safety of vaccines and the changes in climate we experience. But Americans, based on the PPP poll, would rather listen to celebrities. Bottom line here is that American ignorance isn’t always just funny—it can be downright dangerous.

The poll just gets more and more depressing. Almost half of Americans believe Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 or aren’t sure whether he was. Twenty-two percent: the Bush administration knowingly allowed the 9/11 attacks to happen. Nineteen percent: the Paul McCartney we see perform these days is a lookalike who took the real singer’s place after he died in 1966.

Here’s a great one. Thirty percent either believe that the media or the government adds secret mind-control technology to television-broadcast signals or aren’t sure whether it’s true. Seriously! Almost one-third of Americans think they are being or might be subjected to secret mind control. (Bet that doesn’t stop them from watching American Idol, though.)

Still, my favorite takes us into the beehive of lunacy inside too many American brains. The question asked by P.P.P., in total, was this:

Do you believe that a secretive power elite with a globalist agenda is conspiring to eventually rule the world through an authoritarian world government, or New World Order, or not?

In a nation that spawned the Tea Party, small wonder that the results here are horrifying: 53 percent of Americans either believe in this vast conspiracy or aren’t sure if it’s false.

Look, folks, the reality is that conspiracies are hard to pull off. Large groups of media executives, reporters, politicians, and scientists couldn’t manage to conspire to have lunch, must less take over the world. But these nutty beliefs have real consequences, on real people. Or, as Scientific American put it in an article last year, “[t]he new science denialism is creating an existential crisis like few the country has faced before.”

Yes, we have become scientific and political illiterates, and no nation can survive on a bedrock of such delusional stupidity. Of course, the 26 percent (or more) won’t believe me, if they manage to read this. I’ll just be deemed an “elitist” for daring to suggest that demon science and data, rather than ridiculous conspiracy theories, should be used to judge reality. So, it may be a losing battle, but we should all try. I don’t want to be forced, someday, to stand by as the rest of the world renames our nation “America the Ignorant.”

[Note to my editor: Please don’t forget to keep the combination of words in this piece that serve as a mind-control device, which will distract readers from the coming political battle between the government, Satan, and real Americans. My political and media masters have demanded that we don’t mess this up. And do not forget to delete this note to you. We can’t let anyone find out about this conspiracy. Best, Kurt.]