Wistful, Evocative, Sentimental

~She

Growing up, I never really thought of rushing myself to be in an actual relationship. I remember my first crush was when I was in the 5th grade, but this is my type of admiration that I only kept to myself. Then I had my first “puppy love”strike with my friend’s brother who was a senior during my 3rd year in high school. Now this is when I had to put in all my effort and coins since our line was cut Ha-Ha! Just to talk to him with the help of a pay phone Ha-Ha! I feel so old!

After that, I still lived and enjoy the wonders of TV, friends and foods. No rushing at all and it was all good.

Sadly, this guy left me hanging on how he sees me or even feels towards me till I enter my 4th year, so that’s history. How does it feel to be a victim of ano ba talaga tayo? The now identified as “friend zone” love game during that year? I got sad, of course but its no biggie for me, I guess the feeling is not that deep chos! We were still friends on Facebook though, and I happen to see his post in my news feed years ago and he is already married and has his own family now.

Enter my last year in middle school when I had my first love. He used to be a friend who can play the guitar and drums so well, listen to the same music that I love and rocks our shitty uniform by pairing a Doc Martens, I was intimidated by him then I got curious about him and since we’ve been classmates since 2nd year we were already familiar with each other. I already knew that I was crushing on him. We then became close, then stopped talking for years and on December 28, 2015, He sent me a message. Starting that day, we were talking non-stop day and night,We were inseparable. We would meet each other, mostly in the park and no one from our friends and classmates will know, then ignore each other inside the room the morning after.I asked myself if what we are doing is something that I should be happy about or not especially with the hiding part.But since deep down I know it can put a smile on my face in no time. I ignore it and just go with it.

I chased this guy for my entire years in college, but I have to say that love is clearly not enough with our story, I loved him, but he was caught up in a different world now and its hard for him to go back to his old self. I can say that the person I fell in love with is 10 million times different with who he is now.

He – was the first one to put fresh tears in my eyes down on my cheeks.

After that, I still lived and enjoy the wonders of college friends soon to be best friends , independence, perks of earning my own money, and most importantly the happiness of finally getting the independence of having to follow my own schedule in my own time and NO curfews and yelling father Ha-Ha! But no, my dad is too busy to even bother.

No rushing at all and from cool it turns out to be great. So yeah. It was GROOL!

Then I got myself my first ever job. I felt like I entered a whole new level of concrete jungle *cue Welcome to the Jungle – Guns n Roses* Where you should survive and get yourself a spot to be treated fairly, or be like the queen who can put orders and have people follow you every now and then. People are not afraid to explore what the human body has to offer, whether to someone single or someone who is married and has children.

I was able to land my spot in a safe place, but I admit that I did my own kind of exploring. That’s when I was awakened to the fact that I don’t want to use the word, exploring as if I am lost, confused or something but this is who I really am. I am not confused, but when I discovered the other half of my true self it doesn’t surprise me at all.

I used to date and get myself involved with boys around my work circle, But looking back, I can’t recall a certain situation or anyone who I got myself attached to the extreme. I guess, it’s really the thought of being in a relationship is the main reason why I let myself in, in the first place. I used to be so in love with the thought of being in love. That even without my own validation of the word love or commitment, I settle myself just as long that I won’t be alone while the others can be so happy while they were attached. Is it too late for me to have peer pressure? Maybe. But that one feeling of being inspired is what I missed out with all these short lived moments.

I long for the kind of relationship that I deserve and little did I know that life has a different way of reminding me that everyone should experience the two sided of love. The good and the bad, the best and the worst.

I got to experience both worlds. Be loved, Be cheated on.Be used.

I used to date this guy. I gave him everything that I can offer, the love, loyalty and the most important thing that I could have given myself, time.

I was happy but not enough for me to completely feel that I’ve found myself a keeper, far from saying I’ve found myself my future husband. He treated me like a princess and showered me with all the fancy stuff even If I’m not asking for one. But then again, all things fancy has its ugly consequence. The guy cheated on me. And what’s crazy is I used to fought for him. I defended him still even to the people around us shouting that he still loves me and is just confused with the other woman. I made believe that he’ll come back and exhaust all my effort. If not to get him back, check how he and his downgrade are doing almost on a daily basis. That didn’t help me at all.

While I am busy making sure that I’ll still get the last laugh over this ugly battle and at the same time cry every time I could because it latches still on my heart. I thought I’ve now felt what a real heart break is but I did not because in the middle of what I thought is the darkest phase of my life, there is my mother dying day by day, without us knowing. I used to think that I still have the time to take care of her, talk to her, love her once I got back on my psyche, but still in the process of destroying myself, I lost her in just a blink of an eye.

I am crying over this jerk all this time that I forgot to look at my mom in a way that life wants us to be alarmed.

I thought I just had it but when my mom passed, I have now entered the darkest downward spiral of my life. I had myself destroyed every day as I grieved, much more when I regret, every second of every day.

I lost myself at the age of 23.

Thinking of what I went through with life can make you think or assume that I turned into a bitter, cynical, complicated woman who has no chance to see the light in life, the best in love. But I fought all the temptations to blame my past and haunt me to be the worst and help myself. I started to think that my mom would have lived life to the fullest if she still has the chance, but her time here on earth is done. Heaven can’t wait to have her so HE took her. I envision myself to be privileged to still live. I always think of the chance that I have and fulfill on behalf of my Mother. Years after, I am now surviving.

Now for someone who used to be so in love with the thought of being in love. I kind of not give a damn about it anymore after everything that happened. I just go with the flow and learn to be happy not in the arms of a stranger but with friends. I started to appreciate them more than ever. Going out with them almost every day and meeting new people is what I’ve focused on. I thought that I’ll be fine, I am doing okay.That I don’t need any validation from someone to be happy but myself and my family only.

That’s what I think but I got myself in another situation that’ll turn everything around. Again.

*cue I Kissed a girl and I liked it – Katy Perry*

I’ve been wanting to make this post for the longest time now but I want to put justice as I create it. It may looked like sharing my past lovers is inappropriate but it’s a long journey that I had before I reach to this point.

Someone came along and made me reconsider everything I used to believe in.

and this someone is a SHE.

Every time someone asks us on how we met and how we became a couple, I find the feeling of excitement to relive those days. I used to tell her that I’d love to put our stories into writing and SHE will just give me that smile and *blushed* out of kilig Ha-Ha!

It all started when………

I was not in my best shape as a Trainer with my very first employer (I started working when I was 20 and spent the last 5 years of my life with the same company) So you can imagine how torn I was when deciding if I should stay or leave, but in the end my decision is solely based with a huge desire to try something new and challenge myself, and then I finally passed my resignation, But I still have to handle my last class before I took off from the company for good. Then came the class ~she was part of.

Back then I thought that I am fully decided with the whole resignation thing, but the pressure, whether or not I am doing the right thing and on top of that I am already attending interviews and demo teach after my class. The whole pressure caught me and it leads me to kind of transfer the emotional side of myself being a total bitch to their class.

I have to admit that I am the strict type to my class, but I got 10x worst when I had to deal with them in the class.

With probably a hundred classes that I’ve handled, theirs was the only one that I never connect with. I felt bad now that I have to remember those days. But in all honesty, I may already know back then that ~she stood out from the rest, I knew that she was probably the youngest in the class,but her presence especially her smile can light up the room in no time. I never had a problem with her in a Trainer aspect and I end up calling her every now and then because I know that she can deliver.

During their class, A friend used to visit me in between our schedule and she always has something for me and my sweet tooth. Little did I know that ~She had hinted that the usual visits is beyond the normal friendship. All along ~She is observing me and had strong feelings that I can connect with girls.

After our training I still have a few days to render, So I took the chance to try connecting with them. After all, With all the best and lasting memories that I have with the company I want to make sure that my last class will also have its nice or should I say peaceful exit before saying goodbye. I have ‘stupid me’ written all over myself for realizing it, but as the saying goes It is better to be late than never.

I joined them during their huddle, but that huddle turn into an outside work Q&A between me and the class. Now I am not the type who would just give my personal details but I just go with the flow since again, I am trying to patch things up with these folks.

Out of nowhere ~She asked me if I am a lesbian? At first I was quite shocked because normally no one has the courage to ask me such ambush question. Not from someone you just talked to, But who am I to deny and answered “Yes, I also date girls”

Let’s press the rewind, shall we?

I used to think that I’ve been very open with relationship. Growing up I used to have the same amount of appreciation and admiration = crush to both boys and girls.

Is this a case of Identity crisis? No. I just simply know that I can also appreciate girls same with boys.

Was I afraid to come out? No. Our family has a fair share of third sex. My aunt from Papa’s side is a lesbian. I have 3 cousins who are gay and I never have even a grain of memory that their sexual preference became an issue in the family.

When did I realize that I can kiss a girl? I’ve always appreciated girls, especially those who has a knack for fashion, share the same weirdness of music like me from a heavy metal – pop – EDM, or simply has this bad girl angst without trying too hard. But I’ve never been in a relationship with a girl before. I had girls who would visit me in our house and bring foods and it’s totally okay with my parents and siblings and since we are acting as if we are committed in some sort, something will happen then confess that I don’t want to be girlfriends but friends only. I am unintentionally acting like a girl lover but my psyche pulls me back and say to myself that “Yo, you ain’t ready for this sh*t”

I only realized that I am ready to kiss a girl *passionately* when ~She arrived.

Going back to that huddle, on that same day the class and I had a team breakfast in Mc Donald’s and after that ambush talk with her this sudden connection definitely sparks and she totally agreed with that. While everyone is having a good laugh and the class is trying to inject this comment that they never thought or expect that they’ll get the chance to talk me during shift. Ha-Ha! I told you I am the worst.It was suddenly brought up that ~She has a partner and is also dating girls.

I am not sure if the way I response is one way to add hype to a good morning bond with the class or I am subconsciously serious when I told her to break up with her partner. As you’ve guessed it, the whole team can’t help but tease the two of us.It was a fun breakfast. My last day has arrived and I made sure that my appreciation with my first job and the people I’ve worked with for 5 years will somehow be felt with my post. And as you may have guessed it again it is a long one. Ha-ha!

By that time, I am still looking for the right job and company and the next thing I we know, We’ve been sending texts and FB messages to one another from AM to PM.

I felt weird because I found myself smiling every time we are talking. Daily text messages soon became calling each other from time to time. I once thought that I’ll never prioritize love and will just focus on outgrowing myself while making money and I’ll never have the courage to be IN AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP with a woman. But all these were instantly washed out as soon as I am being remembered that ~She is the one who is making me feel the way I am feeling now. Happy, Inspired and highly excited with just the thought of her.

I have no other choice but admit to myself. ~She got me. I am in love.

Little did I know that same goes for her. Now before all these that includes the non stop communication We made sure that we are not hurting anyone. She broke up with her partner days after that breakfast and not because I teased her about it, But then she told me that on that day she already knew that she wanted to pursue her feelings towards me.

The next thing we know. Daily texting was replaced with calls almost every night and what we thought of playing girlfriends will be too cute for a prank to someone who is hitting on her, I got drunk and that is when our supposedly “Facebook relationship status” tease is going to be one of the best decisions and act that I made while intoxicated Ha-Ha! On that night and for a number of Red horse bottles that I had, I am ever so grateful.

Now we made sure that we get to talk about that status and if we are ready to take things seriously and on a different level not as Trainer – Trainee being friends and civil but being girlfriends. Don’t worry, we are both sober during these talk. Imagine the two of us starting as complete strangers talking on actually being on a relationship. All these were discussed if not over the phone thru Facebook where else?

Everything happened in a fast track without us being able to see each other in person.

I’ll never forget our first official date. The very first day of us seeing each other after that breakfast, after that drunk calling, after all the late night phone calls and everyday sweetness. It was dead awkward for real. I seriously thought that after that Friday night date / sleep over we have nothing in common and worse is there is no connections at all, and it’s not by all means going to work.

This is the very first time that we met after all the things that happened. Last time we physically saw each other was during the breakfast till the time we confess that there is something going on between the two of us. I have to say that I was quite impressed with all the gifts and effort that you have exhausted during our first meet up.

It was a Sunday and on our way home we talked about how it all went during that night and how awkward it was for the two of us. We were almost discussing to stop whatever it is that we have almost started. But I guess if two people really like each other? All the hiding and being cynical – indenial will just go into waste and the truth will always prevail. The truth is we like, wait. We love each other already. Love may be a deep word onset but I guess no other words can describe what we really feel. At least for me. I may just be scared to admit it at first but then again she got me.

We brush off the drama in an instant and started to discuss how we wanted our relationship to and will be. The next thing we know is that we no longer wanted that status to be for a show but what we wanted is a real thing.

The realest it can be that we both know can make us happy.

That is the time I’ve finally realized that I want to be in a relationship with her. I am ready to kiss for real and say I love you withouy any alcohol in my system. I’ve learned that my subconscious heart taught my mind and soul that it’s not a bad thing to try especially to someone who spread the sunshine after my storm.

She became mine.

And the rest is (how they call it) history.
Today marks our first year from that moment we came out of our true feelings for one another. 1 year after we decided to be strong and give chance to what we feel rather than all the possible reasons for this new relationship to somehow fail. Funny, how we proved our a-hole old self, wrong.

1 year. Geez. A lot to be thankful about and this time I want to make sure that I’ll have it all listed because that’s how happy and grateful I am. She used to be a stranger who now occupies my mind, my heart and my life.

This time I am no longer afraid of all the possible things that can go wrong because she made me feel that there is nothing to be afraid of. She have proven herself to me that what we have is real without even trying.

My loyalty is her name and same goes for what she breathes.

It was one of the best feelings in the world when you get to call your partner as your best friend.

It’s been fun and I have no plans of stopping.

I guess what I really wanted to say is,

Happy Anniversary my love…..

Thank you for being the first thing that made me love Sunday ♥ (I used to hate it before) Our first official post together 🐇Thank you for I have found not just a partner but a food buddy who adores anything edible just like me 🐷and for joining me do all the pouty pose that can be super annoying Ha-Ha! 👄First Date at Burgers&Brewskies ♥Thank you for always lightening my day with your bright smile. You are so pretty I can’t even 😍Ristorante BigoliThank you for your undying support with everything I do. Even on my silly (est) you still find me a rock star that. For that I am always thankful for having you as my number 1 fan.Happy 2nd month to us!Thank you for being my shock absorber everytime something bad happens. Whether I fail on something, expected too much and got disappointed and when I am simply mad at the world for no reason. You just listen and wrap it up with your kiss. Next thing I know? I feel better.Thank you for being the most beautiful date one can ever have on Christmas Eve 🌲My best Christmas gift ♥Thank you for never leaving me when life gets too difficult to handle.Thank you for being my twin soul. We can’t last a day without being in each other’s arms.Thank you for never saying NO when Im in my selfie-whore self.Thank you for giving me a whole new meaning to be positive even when I lost hope in seeing the bright side. You taught me to just laugh at all the problems and it did. We made it and we still live.Thank you for being my bestfriend 24/7 for the rest of the week to month that there is.Thank you for also being a sucker to Yellow Cab’s meatball spaghetti. Our usual date night gets more meatier!Thank you for my face can’t stand a second without touching into yours. My flubby cheeks found herself a company!Thank you for putting up with me and levelling to my craziest self!Thank you for being my sexy muse. For letting me style you during our date night. I guess I’ll never need a reason to find a model for my port folio eh? 🐶Thank you for always keeping me warm not just by staying by myside but for making me feel your presence and love every time.Thank you for being the sweetest person that I’ve known and will ever know for as long as I live. Even people around us can attest to that. You are my sweetest ecstacy that I simply can’t quit!Thank you for always finding the beauty in me. Even to shots like this. Our first Valentine.Thank you for tolerating me when I crave for something Asian. You used to hate it but you’d still do it for me because you are the coolest!Yabu : House of KatsuThank you for being a living proof that I am not the only one retard with chopsticks Ha-Ha!Thank you for never getting tired of sharing your sweet kisses. This is all and everything that I’ll ever need on a shitty day with some shitty people.Only you that I’ll ever plan of planting my kiss. You. Just you my love.Thank you for not changing as the clingy one between us two. Jut so you know, I am equally plus more than a million proud to have such a wonderful and beautufil girlfriend that you always are.Happy 5th at Chelsea’s Kitchen.Thank you for being one of the most un-selfish souls that I got to meet in my life. You never think twice of putting the people around you first. As long as it’ll make them happy, you will do it with all your heart and being. For that I am ever so grateful.Thank you for being my number 1 #girlcrush #wcm #inspiration. I am madly crazy about you kid.Thank you for awakening my soul. A simple thought of you can lighten up my very core. You are highly excitable young lady.Thank you for being the eternal sunshine to my once furious mind.

Thank you for being a living proof that our souls was intertwined before we even knew what the world was like. Celebrating the first day of our lives 2 days apart strongly proves that we are meant to meet someday and we did.Thank you for always rewarding my effort for you with your incredible smile. Want to know a secret? Everytime that I can make you smile, awakes the butterflies in my stomach. Hundreds of them. That’s why I promised to myself to never stop making you the happiest just because you simply deserve it. I can never think of anyone who inspired me to be the best version of myself but you.Thank you for also finding the happiness of simple date night even on a stormy Friday.Thank you for not letting the fire in our relationship fade away. As our love grew older we started to learn the responsibilities brought of life, simplicity of life and learning to appreciate the value of our love. It is priceless and we will not let anything ruin what we have started.Thank you for always taking care of me. All the efforts and sacrifices. For making me feel loved. You know how my soul got crushed with my Mama’s passing. I used to think that life is going to be a ticking clock for me.Just simply waiting for my time to end but then you came giving me all the reason in this world to see the bright side still. Making me realized that everything happens for a reason. I got lost but it’s still you who found me. I can proudly say that my Mama gave her biggest approval of leading my path to you. You fixed me. All of me adores you that I no longer see my current self going back to what it used to be.Thank you for giving me the strength and courage to express the beauty of nature and that long road travels never suck as long as I have you sharing the same earphone diggin in our music. Sariaya QuezonWhatever force of nature that nodge me towards you during that Breakfast, I am ever so thankful.Thank you for being my contemporary in this so called “PDA” game of love. Ha-Ha!Thank you for spending the most memorable beach trips of my life. I would not want anyone to be with while we are dancing with the huge waves of Puerto Galera. It’s you my love who I want to share this kind of surreal moment with. Thank you for being the best #ootd partner. And also for convincing me to start wearing dresses!Thank you for also believing in fairies and for also dreaming of one day we’ll get the best spot in Coachella. You are the Nina Dobrev to my Jessica Szhor self. #idontcareiloveitThank you for letting me try all the things I never thought that I can do. I would have not discover how much fun I am missing to be in the water. I was scared to death because I don’t know how to swim but I still did it anyway because I trust you enough to save me. I had so much fun and now I can’t wait to explore different places with my favorite travel buddy. You. You are not only a life guard for me that day but you are indeed my life saver for all the days that I had and will have. I am fearless, all because of you.What I love about you is that you are not only my girlfriend but a cool friend that happens to be also adored by my life long friends. Our relationship can be as sweet and tough as a caramel and I like it that way. Yambo Lake LagunaThank you for not only bringing joy to my life but also to my extended family. Tropang Potchie will never be complete without you in it. We used to talk about how hard would it be if one will say goodbye. We are not just breaking up to each other but also to these people who we used to share most of the best adventures that we had for 2016. But then again, We ain’t gonna break up, yeah? P.S can’t wait for our Boracay and Ilocos Escapade.Thankful to have my spa and nails with my two favorite people in the world. #bestfriend #bestgirlfriendThank you for making my friends love you! They are as much as happy seeing me happy because of you.Thank you for always supporting me and my bff’s for 9 years whenever we feel like a monthly reunion should happen out if nowhere. This goes to prove that you are one cool sènorita.Thank you for just simply being there in moments like this.Thank you for sharing the same love for dark lippies. The best part there is we get to share our lippies and kiss at the same time too.Thank you for supporting me when I first cast in my vote. We are so in the moment we had to make our fashion statement too! Whoever says chockers are dead?Thank you for making me feel young. Just like this one. If you saw a Jolibee mascot, I bet you’ll get star strucked too! HaHa#naughtygirlsThank you for joining and supporting me when I went back and patch things up with HIM. You never fail to amuse me of how supportive you can be.Thank you for being the best business partner / endorser one can ever have. Super excited for our online shop to spread cuteness on social media very soon!Thank you for giving me the best date experience whether we do it outside , the mall or….Finding the best karinderya Philippines has to offer.Thank you for all the kisses that I get to treasure for as long as I live.But you know what made me love you even more? I found myself being thankful that I have someone who captures the heart of my own family and never fail to support and show love especially to the little ones. I used to be strict type of Tita and she is their new favorite since she is spoiling them. Too cute to be true but I think you simply blend in? Hmmm… Always thankful my love.Thank you for trying and accepting my family even my little nephews and cousins adore you too!Thank you for making it in all of the my nieces and nephews special day. The love, care and fun you are giving them makes my heart explode out of happiness.Thank you for being their other Tita. ♥Thank you for all the things that you are especially with my Mama. The respect that you have for her, admiration and hope to have met her, promising to her that you’ll love and take care of her bratty daughter, for always remembering her and bringing flowers and last but not the least for knowing that she is one kind and perfect soul who needs to have her final rest. I know that my Mama loves you too! I can feel it.

Saying thank you will never be enough to let you know how happy I am in my current state because of you. I can promise all the wonderful things but mine is simply being certain. I am certain about you, about us. I would nevee do anything to ruin this love. We’ve put in all our efforts to make it as sincere and happy as it is right now and not even someone can ruin it. As our relationship gets a day / weeks /months older we’re set to be on our happiest, fight about even the smallest things and even thought of giving up but that’s how we can make this bond stronger. I am ready to feel everything with you my love. I know that you are too.

I am most definitely certain that ours is about to get better and stronger.

I must have love you so much tears kept falling while I’m typing all these words and seeing how far we’ve come.

Happy Anniversary.

She became mine and in that moment I started to believe in love again.