You are not gonna believe this stuff. It's like, hm, well, it's like. Wait. Doods. It was like this at first

We licked it up off the floor and off the nip banana where the Woman sprinkled some and then we just. Wait. You know. STARED at each other for like ten minutes because, dooods. Wait. Things were just, like. You know.

S L O W.

And then they were like

Oh no you di'nt, you di'nt just look at me! I'mma gonna CUT YOU ONE and then the bitch slapping started and Buddah was all MineMineMineMineMine with the nip banana but I just went, like Oh chill yo' asterisk down you little beeyotch so he went and humped the giant nip toy while I nibbled on the banana and then doods that little chit LEAPED IN THE AIR and jumped on me and landed with his teeth in my neck! And I was all NU-UH! and made him get off me and the Woman was all, "Be nice" but it's not like she DID anything about him, so I got up and ran to the back door which took me like FIVE minutes because everything was all like S L O W and doods, outside there was a rude introoder kitty so I started getting all, You better get the frak outta my yard while I pounded on the door with my mighty paws and the Woman turned around and was all, "Why are you screaming?" and she got up to look and sighed really hard and said, "It's just your friend."

Well. He's no friend of mine and I'm pretty sure he was just here to score, but it's bad enough I have to share with Buddah, so I went back to the nip banana and Buddah was passed out in MY bed so I poked him and he didn't move and the Woman was all, "he's breathing, right?" so I licked the top of his head and he opened one eye and it was like DEATH EYE so I backed away and nibbled on the nip banana where the Woman sprinkled the extreme kitty crack, and doods, things got so slow that I'm pretty sure it took me like TWELVE HOURS to walk over to the sofa, where I'm gonna stretch out and sleep for like five days or at least until dinner time, because, doods?

DIVA KITTY WAS AT MY HOUSE AND SHE LEFT ME SOME FOOD! I shit you not! The Woman opened the door and there was this thing on the porch, all spiffy looking, and it had MY name on it! So she opened the door and got it and brought it in and I sniffed it up and down and backwards and forwards and then the Woman opened the card and read it and it was from Diva Kitty!

Doods DIVA KITTY was at my house and I didn't even know it! I mean, I wouldn't have been able to open the screen door because I don't have a key but man we coulda sniffed each other or something and had a nice conversation about how stoopid people can be. I hope she doesn't get in trouble for taking DKM's car to come over here. I figure she had to drive, right? How else would she get here? I suppose she didn't knock because she knows the Woman is like 5 kinds of lazy and was probably still asleep and the Man was definitely asleep because he had to pass gas last night and went to bed when he came home, but the house is a mess because no one has mopped the kitchen floor in like a year or six weeks and it's pretty nasty, but the Woman is all, "Oh frak it, it's a horrible floor anyway" but doods, when things growing on it start moving on their own, it's probably time to clean up.

But man, I can't wait for dinner tonight so I can try the new foods cause there's LOBSTER in them and that's like a GINORMOUS real live fresh dead shrimp! But right now, doods, right now I need to move from here to there and, you know. Wait. Doods.

Doods.

Man it's a long way from the sofa cushion to the top of the couch. Like, miles.