Because you’re a sensible person who stopped following Charlie Sheen on Twitter within three or four weeks of his F-18 Tiger Blood #winning radio meltdown spectacular, you probably had no idea that Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher were feuding. Actually, “feud” really isn’t the right word. What’s the word for “a thing where Charlie Sheen takes unprovoked shots at an actor who replaced him on a show he was justifiably fired from”? Because whatever that word is, it’s that. Exhibit A:

So, three things:

1) I think he might think that’s a haiku.
2) There was a zero percent chance that I was going to crop out the Thoughtful Charlie he uses as the background image for a social media account he uses to urge people to smear dog feces on the door of a school that wronged his daughter.
3) I love that that tweet is Charlie’s idea of Punking someone. It’s basically just a “Hey man, I’m sorry … NOT” joke with a line about barf in place of the “not.” Charlie Sheen definitely writes his own tweets.

Anyway, Ashton went on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to talk about … I don’t know, stuff? Their discussion was weirdly relaxed (for Kutcher) and mostly focused his investment company and work with Uber, but at the end of the Part 2 (embedded above), he turned to face the camera to tell Sheen to “SHUT THE F*CK UP” and stop “blowing him up on Twitter.”

Verdict: SUCCESS!

Although I suppose we can’t rule out the possibility that he’ll wait a few hours and then tweet something like this:

SIKE
gotcha bro
wasn’t really gonna
apologize
am great at
jokes and social media suck
it
sheen out

Jesuschrist. I get Charlie Sheen has his issues and everything, but it’s hard not to side with him after watching how a mediocre show like TaaHM becomes way more mediocre by the second, and that I can’t tell if Ashton is playing Kelso or Kelso is playing Ashton.

Is there any chance they’ll obliterate each other with their enormous void of talentless ego so that I never have to hear either of their names again?

Also, I love it when scrawny coke gollums like Charlie Sheen make Big Tough Man threats from the safety of Twitter. Oh the amusement if he ever had to back up his bullshit without his entourage around. Martin must be so proud.