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3.17.2010

I have no tolerance for stupid

Especially when it's me.
If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen this yesterday:

And if you don't, well, I must say, you're missing out. :)

I did something stupid. I injured myself. Unfortunately, I tend to do that often. And usually in the most idiotic ways. So, here is the top (how many I can think of) stupidest ways I have injured myself.

1. Yesterday, I cut off part of my thumb. Not a major part, it still works. Or at least I think it does under all this gauze. I was cutting out press releases and talking. And next think you know, there right in line with my straight cut is part of my thumb. About half an inch long and deeper than it should have been.
But once you filet off part of your finger, there's not much 'putting it back on.' I threw it away. Ewe. After much refusal on my part, I was taken to the doctor where I was forced to soak my hand in what I can only guess was lighter fluid, they said it was benzidine, but I don't believe them. A tetanus shot and I was out the door, a mere 4 hours after causing myself harm.

2. When I was in college, I had a crush on a cheerleader guy. So I thought I could 'become a cheerleader.' (Those who know me, please stop laughing) And for some reason, practicing was convenient at 3 a.m. You know, because I'm in college. Well, after a particularly high hurkey jump, I landed on my pointed toes. Because, of course, I wasn't wearing any shoes. (I mean, it was 3 a.m., shoes would have been too loud) And the three middle toes on my right foot rolled under and made some kind of crunching noise. I never went to the doctor, so I can only assume I jammed them because the turned purple, but never fell of.

3. In high school, I was in my room watching Romeo & Juliet (on VHS) and the phone rang. Despite knowing it probably wasn't for me, I still shot straight up, jumped off my bed to dive for the phone on my TV stand across the room. (And by 'across the room,' I mean 5 feet away.) During my leap, my right hand was up in the air, daredevil style where I slam dunked my ceiling fan. The globe shattered, the light went out (but didn't break), and my right thumb has never been the same since. I definitely should have gotten stitches, but it was late at night, so I let it go. It's a thick, ugly scar that reminds me of how silly I can be. And the phone? It was for my mom.

4. Some friends and I went to Heber Springs for cliff diving. Yes. Jumping off 30- and 40-foot tall drops into dark water below. Now this could spell disaster for anyone, but for me? Well, apparently I take it as a personal challenge to see exactly how much damage I can do to myself. So rather than just jumping, I take a running charge off the cliff and do a one and a half gainer, landing on my face. Sounds painful, but no lasting damage, right? Wrong. I chipped the backside of my tooth off. I emerge from the water screaming, "I need a dentist!" It turns out I didn't, but I can still run my tongue across the missing part and sigh.

5. I was only 11 when I saw my sister poke a package of fruit snacks under her mattress. That wasn't fair. She was totally cheating and taking extras! So, I did what any older sister would do, I ratted her out. And as punishment, she was forced to take a bath early and go to bed. While fishing the stolen fruit snacks from under the mattress where she was hoarding them I thought I saw something else back under her mattress. So, like any good big sister, I went back to see what that was. Her punishment had already been laid down and she was angry - an angry little 7 year old. She was sitting at the end of her bed yelling at me to stop. I should have listened to her warning, but before I even knew what was happening, she was throwing her tiny body onto the mattress where I had it held up. My arm snapped under the pressure. I screamed. A few hours, X-rays and a cast later, they declared I had a hairline fracture in one bone, broken the other and dislocated my wrist.

I'm sure there are more. Actually, I know there are more. And there will be more. But until then, I'll be the 9-fingered copywriter.

I have some stupid injury stories myself. The worst are the ones that leave truly lasting damage. Like the one time I was running down some stairs and my toes curled under my foot - sort of like in your cheerleading story. I had x-rays and nothing was broken, but my foot swelled up and turned entirely black & purple. That foot has never been the same. Shoes fit weird. In the winter if my feet get cold the last 3 toes go numb. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Yeah... I think maybe I should join your club. I've been accidentally harming myself for years. Like you, I rarely went to the ER. This was b/c Mom raised us to not go to the doctor unless our limbs were hanging off by a string... or major head injuries. I have only broken my foot (all the way across the top/5 bones fractured). I have been in soooo many car wrecks and horse accidents that I can't remember how many concussions I've had. Finger tips removed by X-actos and slicing my thumb open (to the bone) with the metal teeth on the saran wrap box. We seriously need a support group. Phillip says I should take ballet so I can become "graceful." Yeah... sounds like a great way to twist my ankle for the 100th time.

You lobbed off and had to throw away part of your pinky!? NO way! When you tweeted that, i thought you were giving blood (for a blood test or something!) I am so sorry, and Um, well, kinda sorry about how much i laughed reading the rest of your stories...you and I could have a "stupid off" sometime. I've got some good ones...