Browse all oneliners

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

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A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.

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A conservative is a person who lives in a past that never existed.

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A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.

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A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.

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A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it."

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A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

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A crisis is when you can't say: "let's forget the whole thing".

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A crumb from a winner's table is better than a feast from a loser's table!

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A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

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A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

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A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

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A day off is always more welcome when it's unexpected.

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A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

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A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

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A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

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A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.

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A diet is a weigh of life.

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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.