A Single Professional Black Woman's Journey To Becoming A Mother And Beyond

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Today is Cycle Day 39 ! So…. 9 days ago, this little heifer affectionately names AUNT FLO, did not show up as she was told to. She has taken another vacation ! I am not sure if it is because of all of the undue stress I am under or if she is just tripping and doing whatever she wants to do because of all the meds I was previously on. Many of you know about the fiasco that resulted with the GoFundMe campaign I ran and then had to cancel a few months ago. What you do not know is that this has become a full fledged nightmare. The woman who lost her son and grandmom that I did the campaign for in a nutshell said that if she did not get the money, she was going to besmerch my name and make my life hell. She is now cyber stalking and harassing me on every social media site she can find me on. She first started attempting to add my friends to a page she created which shows pictures from various parties I held at my NYC home. I contacted FB some time ago asking that the page be deleted because I did not authorize a page showing pictures of the interior of my home, pictures of friends or family who attended these events, and that I do not want this page to exist. They never took the page down nor responded to my requests. She has taken to this page under her own name and other alias accounts she created and is fabricating ridiculous lies about me, my family, my business etc. She claims to have spoken to my exes and is posting “statements” from them, yet they have not heard from her, nor would they ever speak negatively about me. She is posting lies saying I have had abortions, that I and my associates make films using stolen money, posting fake info about my IVF journey, of which she only knew of the first ivf procedure, and has posted my legal name (which only those close to me know that I had a legal last name change after my wedding was called off because I did not want my children that I was planning to have, to bear my father’s last name) and she posted my NYC apartment address on social media for the world to see ! Because of this foolishness, I have had trouble sleeping because I am getting notification from various people at all hours of the day and night about this and I get notifications from Twitter. She is also attacking my friends who come to my defense and call her out for trying to benefit from her son’s death and for lying about needing money for a funeral so she could pocket the money for her own personal use. I contacted Twitter and they shut down her account. My attorney needs a $1500 retainer to start proceedings for a defamation and emotional distress suit and I have to go back home to NYC to meet with the police detective to file a cyber bullying and blackmail case. This may actually be a Federal offense, which I truly hope it is because this is ridiculous ! You would not believe the constant barrage of posts going up on three different Facebook pages and on Twitter. She has also been giving my cellphone number out, as I have been getting phone calls from strange numbers all of a sudden from NY, GA, and SC. NO ONE has my cell number that I do not have locked in my contacts ! I had to block her phone numbers from my home, office and cell number months ago because she would not stop calling me after repeated requests to give me some space because I was dealing with some things. On top of all of this drama, my mom and I packed up her house, put a lot of our belongings in storage and paid over $5000 to move my grandmom to NC to her home where she has been dying to go back to for the past almost 4 years she has been with my mom because of her illness. My grandmother has advanced alzheimers and is also a piece of work all on her own without an illness compounding it. She has threatened to get a lawyer so that she can control her own finances and live in her home alone – which she has not mental capacity to do. Long story short, we move the bulk of our furniture down to the house and get internet installed, DirecTv, and an elaborate alarm system equipped with cameras etc. We rent a minivan to go up to DC area to get my grandmom and the dogs and few other items we left at my sisters and bring her home, thinking she would be happy to be in her home until I find a place in California to move to. We get her to her home on Monday night and Tuesday morning, she asked my mom about going out of the sunroom door and my mom told her not to start opening doors because it is not safe. She snuck out of the house, walked down to our old house next door and told her niece to take her to town (10 miles away) so that she can see a lawyer and go to the police to file an abuse claim ! Keep in mind, her sister, who is the most evil and vile person I have ever encountered with the exception of Cristal, the woman who is cyber stalking and harassing me, has previously filed false complaints with the Dept. of Social Services in Northern VA where my mom lives and those claims were unfounded. (twice !) My grandmom’s niece called this sister in SC and told her that my grandmom was there and put my grandmom in a car to take her to town. My mom, who was out looking for my grandmom saw them and explained that my grandmom has alzheimers and to let her out of the car and she would take her home and get her settled. The niece locks the door and drives off with my grandmom. My mom calls 911 and they come out to take a report and tell her that there is not much they can do because my grandmom is an adult. After hours of her being gone, my mom and i go to the Magistrate, who was very sympathetic because her own mother is in the same condition, and discussed filing kidnapping charges against the niece. My mom, of course- with her soft heart- did not want to file felony charges against the niece and said she would try talking to her and see if that would help prevent this from happening again if and when they brought my grandmom back. We walk out of the office and my mom says that there is the niece who is talking to the police and alleging abuse of my grandmom. (saying that she is not being given a key to her home and that my mom took her money and won’t let her handle her own affairs… same ole thing we have heard since she was relocated to VA almost four years ago). The police tell my mom that my grandmom left on her own and is not being forced and despite the fact that my mom is her legal guardian, has on file at their courthouse the Power of Atty, Medical POA and a declaration of mental incompetence, that there is NOTHING she can do and my grandmom can leave and go live with whomever she wants. My grandmom comes out of the bathroom and starts yelling that ” THEY ARE TRYING TO SAY I AM CRAZY and I am NOT mentally incompetent and what they are doing to me is criminal !” So my mom and I go and talk to the police after they speak to my grandmom and her dumb as doornail niece (the same niece who refused to give her own mom morphine when she was dying to pancreatic cancer a few years ago and refused to administer her other meds saying her mom was fine and was NOT dying !) My grandmom told them she wanted to come get her clothes and things and that she wanted to go stay with her niece. I told my mom that we need to pack up her things that she took out in her room and go thru the hundreds of boxes in the garage and find her things and set them aside before they come showing up with a Sheriff asking for them. My mom went thru tons of red tape to get permission from the bank to allow my grandmom, who got a reverse mortgage on her home years ago and doesn’t remember doing so, to move back into the house. We had to fill out all kinds of paperwork, turn the utilities back on and send copies of two concurrent bills, and send in a letter of intent to stay in the home and then the bank cancelled the foreclosures sale procedures and allowed my grandmom to return to her home. This morning, I went outside to put some stuff in the car and I see a Sheriff car in the driveway next door at the home my mom built… we grew up in.. and my mom sold to my aunt 23 years ago when she left NC to move to DC area. I see my grandmom’s sister (the evil one from SC who filed false reports of abuse on my mom with DSS last year) and I hear her saying my name and point at me to the Sheriff Deputy. The deputy calls out to me and I open the front door of the house to let my mom know I see the Sheriff and my grandmom’s sister and they are walking over to this house asking to speak to me for a moment and I turn around and wait for the Sheriff Deputies to come up and they told me that my grandmom called them saying she wanted to come over to get her clothes and the dog (my Yorkie that she has had for years because I did not have the heart to take her back and my grandmom can not care for her) and asked what the situation was. I explained that my grandmom was hospitalized in 2011 and was intubated and declared mentally unstable because of ICU induced psychosis and that my mom had her transported via medical transport with a nurse and a CNA to VA to a hospital near her and she was in the hospital a while before being transferred to a nursing home/ rehabilitation center for care for several months and that it was discovered that she had dementia and that my mom should have POA over her and have her sign it while she was in a state of mind that is clear because things will get progressively worse to the point that my grandmom would have advanced alzheimers eventually. The doctors and nurses were present and had her sign the POA, medical POA and a document stating she was declared mentally incapable of handling her own affairs and would get worse as time moved on. The documents were witnessed by a notary and were then filed with the courthouse in VA and in NC so that my mom could handle my grandmom’s affairs. The POA is irrevocable. I then explained that my grandmom snuck out of the house and explained that we spoke to the police yesterday and we were told my mom would have to have an attorney file additional documentation to prevent her sister and niece from having contact with her and that my grandmom would have to be with my mom at all times. The Deputy said that I am correct and told my mom again what her options were but at this time, she could not stop my grandmom from leaving nor from getting the rest of her things. I had taken all the bags over yesterday and left them on the steps and I told the Deputies that they could not come into the house, but I would gladly help my mom set all of her boxes and the dog outside of the garage where the movers had left them and I would put the dog in her crate and set her out as well, however, no one will be allowed inside the house except my grandmom. The Sheriff said that was fine with him and that he would go relay the message and have them come get her things and I told him there were several heavy boxes and she would need help with them. My mom and I set the boxes out and the dog in her crate out in the driveway and I went inside to get her medical cards and the dog’s bed. My grandmother had snuck into the house yesterday while I was in the shower and got her purse. She was asking for her ID and her medications. I told them that I did not have her ID, she had it and I also did not have her meds, she had them in her things she took yesterday. I handed the Deputy the pouch with the health insurance cards and the dog bed and I turned around and walked back into the house, closed the door and locked it. This afternoon, my mom asked me to log in for her and change my grandmom’s social security check and retirement check to go to her account at the bank in NC where she can access it and when I logged in, I noticed my aunt had already changed the mailing address to hers and had her social security check changed to a paper check to be mailed to her home !! REALLY? You did all this BEFORE you came to pick up my grandmom? WOW! My grandmom has NO idea what she has stepped over into (people who mean her no good will and only want her money) and they have no idea what they just signed on for (a women they have not seen and have only talked to 3 times in 4 years who “seems” normal at first) ALZHEIMERS ! I am now very relieved that my mom can walk away now and not be burdened with my grandmother and all that that entails. The frustration and anxiety that came along with caring for my grandmother, I truly believe, is the catalyst for my mom’s recurrent breast cancer. Now, she is free to travel and enjoy her life without having to responsible for someone who is akin to a bad roller coaster ride. In better news, My spiritual mom is doing a lot better. She is in a rehabilitation center in the ATL area and is now up to receiving visitors. My mom and I are planning to drive down to go see her in the next few weeks. I am really excited that she is healing ! I hope you guys are all doing well and have less chaos surrounding you that I at present ! 🙂

On Friday, my mother graduated from cancer treatment. And I thought things would calm down a bit. God has jokes !

My mom got a call from her Oncologist and because everything is all clear, he wanted to schedule to remove her mediport. They called on Tuesday and informed her they could get her into surgery on Thursday morning at 8:30 am.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the Family room working on my book and heard a weird yelp akin to cats fighting and I went upstairs to figure out what was going on, being that I do not have a cat ! I checked on my grandmom’s dog, and she was lying on the floor chilling and then I heard squealing coming from my mom’s room and walked in to find my baby Langston on the floor having a seizure. I called my mom because he was screaming in pain, stiff as a board, slobbering clear foamy stuff, and I just knew he was going to die ! I was afraid to move him and my grandmom walked in and picked him up and rubbed him and my mom grabbed a blanket while I called his Vet to let them know I was bringing him in. By the time we walk downstairs, out into the garage and I pull out, Langston is wagging is tail, burping in my mom’s face, and licking the clear vomit off of his own face ! He is back to normal, but I am beyond freaked out !

We get to the Vet and they immediately take him to the back to check his vitals and all was well. They gave him back to my mom and we sat and waited for the doctor. After waiting an hour, I decided to just make an appointment and drop him off this morning to stay with the Vet for a full comprehensive work up. Langston had a seizure a year ago, but he ate one of my mom’s plants and we assumed that was the cause since the blood work showed nothing.

This time, there were not broken pieces of plant anywhere.

So… this morning, we get up, I drop Langston off at the Vet for his day of testing and I take my mom down the street for her surgery. They checked her in, took us to her room and put her IV in. We were visited by several nurses and doctors and at 10:30, they finally came and got her. The procedure only takes about 15 mins plus the time to get her set up and then to give her anesthesia. She was to be gone for about 45 mins. At 11:20, I was starting to worry. At 11:25 am, they rolled my mom back into her FREEZING cold room to recover and she woke up ready to eat. She stayed in recovery until 12 pm and then they took her IV out and gave discharge instructions.

The Vet called while I was there and informed me that all of Langston’s tests have come back normal. Because this is the second seizure that we know of, they want him to see a Neurologist. I told them I would call Virginia Tech Veterinary Clinic and have him seen there because they can do everything in one place and it is considerably cheaper given that his insurance does not cover specialists. It is so weird paying for health insurance for a dog ! When I was a child, you just had a dog you got from the pound or one that showed up at your house and those dogs slept in a dog house OUTSIDE during Winter, Spring and Fall and they never went to a Vet past the initial vaccines and they did not die. These new breed dogs that we pay an arm and leg for are the weakest and sickest little things ever ! lol

After we picked up Langston and took him home, I took my mom to Cracker Barrel for lunch. We then came back home because my mom was worn out and I knew my sister had a floral delivery coming in the afternoon.

I am going to call V Tech tomorrow to find out how soon I can get Langston in to be seen. My sister is coming to get him this weekend and keeping him while we are in New York for my back to back doctor appointments. I am also taking my mom to a live music venue that I hang out at in NYC all the time. She LOVES the spot ! Cheryl Pepsi Riley’s band performs on Monday nights and I know a few members of the band.

In other news, I was walking around pissed that my menses were late and then realized when I checked my calendar on my phone that I had miscalculated and that my period is not due to start until Saturday ! LAUD ! I am so off sometimes LOL.

I have to go in for a trans-vaginal sonogram and blood work when my period starts as my “mock” cycle for my upcoming IVF this Fall. I will be on estrogen for 10 days following this initial sonogram and then will go back for a lining check.

I checked in today with my spiritual mom’s son to see how she is doing and got awesome news that she is now speaking, but can not form sentences with ease yet, and that she was moved to rehabilitation today. She will be there until she is ready to go home and can function on her own. He told me that she is going a lot better and the doctors are pleased with her progress. WHEW! I am soooooooo happy ! That women is the most phenomenal person EVER ! She prays with and for me and is a great friend to me and our family. She does not know, but I plan to not only have her baptize my babies on a beach with blue water, but I want her to be my baby’s godmother.

This afternoon on the way home from lunch, my mom mentioned to me that she would like spaghetti bolognese. I was like, MOM YOU JUST ATE ! So, while she was sleeping, she and Langston, I went out to the store and got ground sirloin, ground italian sausage, and herbs to make the sauce and the meal. I also whipped up pound cake loaves. She was ecstatic when she saw the pictures on my Facebook page and came bopping down the stairs. She saw the flowers on the baby grand and smiled and then came to the kitchen looking for the food. I was not done with the spaghetti yet but was almost done. Thirty minutes later, I called her and my grandmom to come eat.

My grandmother is hilarious ! I took her to the doctor on Tuesday to get tested for a UTI. My grandmom LOVES to go to the doctor and whine about her supposed ailments. She looked sad when I informed her that her doctor called and she does not have a UTI. I am taking her next week when I get back from NYC for blood work.

Next week, I am also going to a seminar at Shady Grove about donor egg IVF. I wanted to get info on their program.

So…… on top of all the other stuff that has been going on in my life of late : Mom- cancer , Godmother- cancer, Me- 5 failed IVF cycles, Friend – son and grandmom dies same day in 2 different places, Friend- father dies, Best Friend – mother dies of cancer, Grandmother – advanced stage alzheimer, Me- packing up my mom’s house to move across country, Me- filming TWO different shows for TV, Me- writing a book about my struggles with infertility Me- dealing with the anniversary of the loss of my baby, Me- working in other film projects….. okay, that is enough to drive any sane person INsane…. Guess what has happened now?

Friday, my spiritual advisor / spiritual mom/ the one who keeps me prayed up and has kept me sane throughout these last two years that I have been working on baby #1… one of the strongest women I know.. healthy as a horse… has a massive STROKE out of the blue. She can not speak. She has swelling on her brain and they are awaiting the swelling to go down before they can assess what is going on and the prognosis. She is no where near out of the woods….

THEN…. my mom’s sister went into congestive heart failure yesterday morning and died in her home.

I am like WHAT NEXT JESUS? Am I supposed to be the female Job now? If so can you warn a sister? I did NOT sign on for all this crap. How strong do you really think I am? Obviously pretty strong since you keep throwing stuff my way and I am STILL standing… STILL sane… and STILL faithful. I am like, can you ease up off me a bit? REALLY? Can ya just do that? I prayed for discernment. I prayed for strength. I prayed for you to take me to the next level. I prayed for covering and for blessings. Um, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt since you can see a lot further than I can, but um, Lord God, I am struggling here ! I remind myself that this is so not about me. There is a blessing in this and a testimony in this chaotic drama SOMEwhere… I just can not see it.

I will say this, all of this stuff happening is truly testing my faith and letting me know that I can ONLY rely on God. The devil IS a liar from the fiery pit of hell ! Instead of all of this pulling me from God, it is making run to Him that much harder because I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God is good ALL the time, in spite of what I go through. I have a covenant relationship with God and I KNOW that He has promised me that He would never take me to anything that He would not bring me through. For that, I praise God’s Holy name. He has ALWAYS brought me through every trial and tribulation in my life and I am ALWAYS the better for it.

How people who have no faith get through life, I have no clue. But when I tell you God will wipe away EVERY tear and He will give you double for your trouble, He WILL ! He has proven that to me every time I have ever gone through hell on Earth. When my wedding was called off and all hell broke loose in my life, I NEVER thought I would get over that and be able to move forward, but God brought me through that I was able to see in the end that God saved my life by removing that man from my life. He saved me from headache, heartache and a eventual divorce. Marrying a man I did not love JUST so that I could have my wedding, baby etc, would have been the worse mistake I ever made.

I am standing in the gap and praying for the complete healing and restoration of Reverend Nawanna Lewis-Miller.

As for the passing of my Aunt, we have yet to tell my Grandmother. My mom is worried about how she will handle it. The coroner is performing an autopsy to rule out foul play and then her body will be sent to a funeral home and she will be cremated, per her wishes. My Aunt was mentally ill and has been the black sheep of the family her whole life. She made my Grandparent’s lives HELL for as long as I could remember. I often found myself questioning God as to why He would allow people like her to live when there is no obvious purpose to her life other than to hell-hack and scam people. Why do you allow hurt, harm and death to come to good people and people like her walk around seemingly happy? There is a purpose under the sun, but I never saw what it was… I guess the lesson was not meant for me.

I just pray that when my mom does tell my Grandmother (she will after everything is done so that she will not flip out about wanting to run down to NC to be in the middle of all this) that she does not get very depressed and start wilding out. I do not have time for that drama. The smallest thing can set off an alzheimers patient. It could really throw her into a whirlwind and she will have exacerbated symptoms. She has forgotten a lot of people and things, and seems much happier and content. She has not had a blow up in months. She has not mentioned my Aunt in several months so I wonder if she even remembers her. She has forgotten her pastor’s name. When you mention other people to her she does not remember them. To me, this disease is disturbing. It is truly frightening that brain cells die and effects the memory to the point that they forget life. I pity her.

Please join me in lifting Rev. Miller and my family in prayer for healing and peace ~

Today was such a long day for me. I got up at 2:30 am and took a shower, did my Ganirelix, Neupogen and Lovenox injections around 3 am on my way to Union Station to hop on the train to NYC. I got to NYC at 7 am and met my make up artist for breakfast and then hopped back on the subway to the Bronx for the visitation and homegoing services.

Some of my actor friends met me at the funeral home and we paid our respects. The service was very nice and surprisingly not at all sad as I expected it to be. It was truly a celebration of life for Grandmom Kate, who was 90 years old and Jared, who was 15. Cristal was very composed and even spoke the zillion people who came from far and wide to celebrate the lives of the great grandmother and grandson who left Earth together. I did not attend to the burial program at the cemetery. I just could not do it.

I left after the funeral with a friend of mine and we went to midtown to Pio Pio and had a great Peruvian dinner. I then headed over to Penn Station to board my 4 pm train to Albany. I was upset that my car service was 30 mins late picking me up and then I missed the steak dinner the hotel serves on Thursday nights right off the grill ! I ended up eating mac n cheese from the freezer in the hotel mini grocer, waited until 9:30pm and then mixed and injected the first trigger shot.

As instructed, this morning, I did my am shots and I have taken my synthroid, prednisone, prenatal vitamins, and a baby asprin. Tomorrow, I am going over to the clinic to do my intralipid infusion which will take an hour to do. It is easier to do them on Friday when there is a full staff and a full day, as opposed to waiting until Saturday before the retrieval. I do not want them to be rushed on Saturday, so I will go ahead and get it out of the way, plus it gives it a day earlier to work and get my immune system dormant.

Praying that I have all immature eggs this cycle and that all of them fertilize. I am hoping to have 4-5 embryos to transfer on day 3 and that two of them stick ! Putting it out there in the universe in case she is listening to me. I am also hoping that I have a few left over that I can grow to blasts and freeze for another cycle later. It would be nice 🙂

Today is stim day 4 !! It is Delestrogen (tush injection) day. I did my Ganirelix injection this morning and took the other meds and prenatal that I am to take. At lunch time, I looked on my instruction sheet and realized that today was the day I am to inject estrogen. It is done every three days. To give my grandmother something to do, I asked her to do the injection. She is a retired nurse, but does have alzheimers so I was hoping and praying the whole time that she “still has it” and she does ! I did not even feel the needle go in and she proclaims, all done ! 🙂

I finally got my neupogen script and had to make an adjustment to my dosage after my dear friend informed me that the dosage I was taking was not the therapeutic dosage that Dr. Braverman wants us to take. I was taking .1 ml and the correct dosage is .34 ml ! 🙂 WHEW ! Glad I know now so that is one more thing I can not worry about going wrong. With the increased dosage, it should really help with the NK cells and cytokenes and also help the NK cells in my lining remain dormant as well so that my body is not fighting the embryos that are transferred.

I am nervous and excited and scared all at the same time about proceeding with the protocol. After my next baseline on Wednesday, I am to start Follistim, which I’ve not taken before. I am hoping there are no crazy side effects.

I will keep you updated and please continue to send up positive affirmations, prayers and thoughts on my behalf. If this cycle works, I will will be having New Years babies ! Go figure….

Today is my 7th night of stims. I am happy to say that I have been doing well and am not bruised up yet ! Maybe because they do not have me taking Lovenox until after transfer this time.

I mixed all my meds and did the two injections and am finally starting to feel the ovarian swell. My estradiol is only 123 today. I emailed my doctor about my concerns and asked if we needed to adjust anything to get that E2 up because I am not going through another cycle and peaking at 148 and ending up with immature eggs. My E2 during my first cycle was almost 400 at this point. I still have a full week of injections before trigger so I am hoping by Wednesday that it goes up some and that by Friday it is in the 1000’s.

I am starting to become weepy ! UGH !! I am not sure how much of it is the stress of my mom’s illness and undergirding fear that something could go horribly wrong in a few months… With cancer, you never know. A lot of that is stimming from my friend Joanne’s passing at the age of 32. WHY ??? She did have a rare cancer, endometrial, which went to her chest pretty quickly and then ended up in her brain. I am completely heartbroken that she did not get to have her dream wedding… have children with her fiancee… live her life !! But who is to say she did not live it? God, this is soooo unfair !! My soul cries for her !

I have been having a rough couple of days. Not sure if any of you have ever had to deal with the elderly, let alone the elderly with alzheimers. Enter my grandmom ! LAUD JESUS UP ON HIGH !!!

I have BEGGED my sister, who lives in North Carolina to PLEASE come get her. No one understand what it is like. I feel saddled once again by my family. That is the reason I moved to NYC to get away and live a life that did not require that I give up so much of myself. There was no one there depending on me and for the first time, I felt FREE. I came back last summer to help my mom out with my grandmom who she had to move to VA from NC because she fell ill and it was discovered that she had alzheimers. The burden of dealing with someone who has dying brain cells, is clinging to a past life they are incapable of now living, and being resentful, sneaky, bitchy, and down right pissed off, is HARD.

With me, I am a more take no prisoners type. My grandmother is a weak woman. Still caring the scars of child abuse at the hand of her father and the ignorance of it by her mother. By the time my mom and her siblings we here, my great-grandfather had found Christ and became a preacher. He left behind unhealed wounds which he inflicted on all six of those children and they are all broken, hurting people in their old age. Nothing you say can change their experience.

I have two sisters, both of whom are married. One lives 50 miles from my mom and she comes to help out when she can, but has two teen daughters. My other sister moved to NC last summer and has an adult son in CA, and with her a teen and a two year old baby and her husband works out of the country. Being that the one in NC is a nurse, I felt it would be fair of her, while I am stimming and a complete emotional mess, to come get my grandmom for 2 weeks so that she is not on my heels every freaking minute wanting to HELP me… help me cook… help me clean the kitchen… wanting to check the mail (which she will hide if you let her check it and her bills won’t get paid)… wanting to inject me with my meds (she was a nurse)… she wants to be helpful, but I do not want nor need her help. It is down right ANNOYING ! Imagine having about 12 pre-teens following you around all day ! That is what it is like with ONE alzheimers patient. They want to be grown and exert their “grown-ness” but they can no longer do anything. You let her cook, she doesn’t remember what goes into anything and will make a nasty mess and will leave the gas on the burner and burn the house down. Dying brain cells coupled with yet ANOTHER UTI ! UTI’s in the elderly cause psychosis ! She becomes beligerant, argumentative for no reason and even more paranoid that she is already ! I find her plundering through things, peering over the catwalk at me for prolonged periods to see what I am doing in the family room ( I am WORKING!!), or constantly coming in to the kitchen when I am in there and being in my way. It gets to the point, I have to turn off what ever I am making and just wait for her to finish washing the dishes, putting them away, or what ever other busy work she finds to do.

My sister in NC gave me the ” I am busy… working a 9-5… have a teen and a baby… etc.” bullshit. People assume that because you do not have children or a husband, you are free to pick up all the slack and I am tired of it. I feel like the dumping ground sometimes. I work harder and longer than anyone in this family. Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to write a script, polish it, do a business plan, plan out the film production and then chase down money to make it? On top of that branding and developing new projects. I am in the middle of film festival submissions right now and also developing a stage play and a new screenplay. I need to focus. I can not do that, cook, keep an eye on my mom, be hell hacked by my grandmother sans the time she is at day care for 4 hrs, and do my work. I have barely had time to sit and go through possible dates on Match.com let alone EHarmony I am paying $45 or so a month for.

My other sister will be coming out here at the end of the week to sit with our mom and entertain my grandmom. My mom’s brother is tied up with his daughter who has an eating disorder, so of course, I get stuck with having to be superwoman.

I will be sooooo glad when I am finally pregnant and have these babies. I planned to move away sooner, but I lost my daughter who would have been born in December on Christmas… so I stuck around the East Coast to be closer to my doctors and clinic and to help my mom. Now my mom is ill, so I guess God had a way of putting me where I was going to be needed. I am just ready to do something for myself. I never get to be as selfish as my sisters and live in my own cocoon. I get stuck having to pick up everyone’s slack.

Prayerfully, this is MY cycle and I can get this show on the road, have these babies, and MOVE to the West Coast. Eventually, I want to relocate to Europe. At least part of the year. It would nice to spend time in different places before I get too old to enjoy life.