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Conservative Car Review: 2015 Kia K900

The Kia K900 is a new full-size, high-end luxury car from Kia. Yes, that’s right, Kia, the Korean koncern that makes those cheap little krapboxes for people with bad credit and Obamaphones.

And I’ll tell you what, this is a very nice car. It has a rich leather interior, a ride as smooth as a classic Lincoln, and a beautiful stereo that brought my CD of Abridged Bible Stories For Men to life. And the price tag is a bargain: $59,500, about $40,000 less than a loaded-up Mercedes S-Class.

Sounds tempting, doesn’t it?

Of course it does. My friends, this is exactly how Obama tricks people into falling into the trap of liberalism.

How will we pay for it all? Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little minority head about that. We’ll get some big bad rich corporate WASPs to foot the bill, but it’s okay, they have plenty of money! After all, what are they going to do with it? Take their family on vacation? Send their kids to good schools? Donate to their church? Enjoy the fruits of their success? Sure, maybe back in the bad old Bush years when the country was successful, but nowadays we frown on that sort of thing in UBNSU (Uncle Barack’s New Socialist Utopia).

It’s the whole promise of something for nothing that is the Lie of Liberalism. And it’s embodied in the Kia K900. Any sensible Conservative (and aren’t we all sensible?) knows that you can’t get a car as good as a Mercedes for 60% of the price. Of course, we don’t understand Liberal Math, which works like this: TAXES + SPENDING = FREE STUFF FOR EVERYONE.

Of course, the world doesn’t work on Liberal Math. Much as the Democrats would like to pretend otherwise, the numbers still need to add up. So how can Kia give us so much for so little? The answer lies in Kia’s home country: Korea.

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Korea, now that Obama and his cronies have gotten their hands on our kids’ textbooks. While they were busy adding chapters to teach homosexuality and removing the words “theory of” before “evolution,” they found time to edit down the parts about the Korean War, but you can still find it, right between the chapter where we stole America from the Indians and the one where we made the universe unfair for women and black people.

Here’s what happened in a nutshell: The Ruskies wanted to make Korea into a Communist country, and America said “No way, Ivan.” Of course, America’s troops were victorious, but that didn’t stop the Commies from infiltrating and renaming rhe country “DEMOCRATic Republic of Korea”. (Subliminal message, anyone?) Leftie liberals will tell you there’s a lot more too it than that, but that’s the Democratic Party’s way, isn’t it? Lead you around in circles while they pick your pocket.

Nowadays those krazy Korean Kommies kan’t keep the lights on, but they can produce plenty of polished turds with Kia and Hyundai badges to be shipped to God-fearing capitalist countries like ours.

Since it’s made by Socialist slave labor in a country where everyone is equal, Kia can build the K900 much cheaper than a God-fearing country like America can build, say, a Cadillac. And His Royal Barackness has no problem with foreign imports. After all, he can’t seem to provide proof that he isn’t an import himself.

Besides, the K900 fits perfectly into Obama’s plan to turn the United States of America into the Democratic Republic of America. “Look, everyone, you can have a car as nice as a Mercedes or a Cadillac for thousands of dollars less! Why do you need to spend $100,000 on a BMW 750i, just because you’ve worked hard and made yourself successful without relying on Government handouts? Buy this here Kia from Kim Il-Jong for just 60 grand, and we can take that other $40,000 in taxes and give it to underprivileged minorities!”

And He thinks we won’t know the difference. After all, the K900 is just as nice inside as any German luxury car. It has a powerful V8 with 429 horsepower and it rides as quiet as a Church on Tuesday afternoon. It even has air-conditioned seats, Bluetooth for your Obamaphone, and a trunk lid that opens and closes electrically, just like a Mercedes.

And here’s the best part: All we have to do is raise taxes on the rich, increase welfare handouts for the poor, and everyone will be able to afford one! No more will luxury cars be reserved for those who worked hard to earn their living. Everyone is equal in Premier Obama’s Socialist Workers Paradise!

Of course, as with most Liberal claims, I bet the Kia K900 will turn out to be all show and no substance. Sure, the K900 feels solid and substantial now, but God only knows what will happen when the warranty runs out (and since Korea is a Godless country, I bet even He’s not sure). I know a guy who bought a Kia Sephia back in 1994, and that POS blew a head gasket after just 60,000 miles. My Chevy Malibu was in the shop after throwing a rod at 85k, but the mechanic agreed that the Kia was much, much crappier. Just because Kia has wrapped the K900 car in leather and wood, why should we trust them to build a decent car?

Then again, I work for a living, I own guns, and I’m not on welfare, so what do I know.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

The 2015 Kia K900 is just another ploy by the Democraps to convince us that we can get something for nothing. Why spend the money we earn on ourselves, when we can give it to Barack Hussein Obama, and he can tell us how to best live our lives? No thanks, Comrade Barack. I’d rather keep my money and drive a Cadillac.

UPDATE: I’ve just been informed by a reliable Conservative source that Korea is actually divided into two countries, and that the Kia K900 is made by the South Koreans, who fought with our brave God-blessed troops against the Communist North Koreans. Whatever. I still don’t trust the little bastards.