June 15, 2005

Like a sailor without a fucking boat!

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Fucking douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

I hate to admit it but I like to swear. Not only do I like to swear but I think I'm pretty fucking good at it. You see, I've always thought there was a certain poetry in being able to swear properly. Sure, anyone can say curse words but it takes a true artisan to swear properly. It involves a fine understanding of syntax, structure, and iambic pentameter. The difference between cursing and swearing as an art form is like the difference between Yoda and Yeats. (Speaking of Yeats...when asked once what he thought of poets who could not write properly, he candidly wrote, "was there ever a dog that praised its fleas?" And again, that's what I think of people who don't swear properly. If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.)

Why am I bringing this up? Because now that we have a young and impressionable 8-month old daughter living in our midst, I've got to learn to swear less like a sailor and more like a choir boy. As most of you know, I like to talk to my daughter non-stop. We spend hours and hours having one-sided conversations. Not only do I think that this will help her speech development but also it makes me feel less crazy to know that I'm actually talking to someone besides myself. So this morning, as we're getting ready to go to daycare, I turned to my little Peanut and cooed, "You ready to go, baby? You got your little hat on? 'Cause it's hot as a motherfucking bitch out there today!"

Once I was done shocking the shit out of my wife, the BossLady turned to me and screamed, "DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF OUR DAUGHTER!"

Really, no follow-up spousal lecturing was needed. I knew that what I'd said was COMPLETELY wrong and that I was going to have to seriously curb my language in front of my lovely young daughter. After all, I do want her to grow up and become an upstanding and gentle young lady. So I swore to my wife that I would rein in the foul language while at home. And certainly, I'd make the best effort to never curse in front of the Peanut again.

But then I started envisioning what would happen if I continued swearing. And then my overactive imagination started envisioning different scenarios where certain phrases might come out of the Peanut's mouth as soon as she learned how to speak. Like what, you may ask?

First, I pictured her talking to the nanny....

"Hey, Shitwitch! How about getting your fat ass off the motherfucking couch and doing a little turnover on these fucking Pampers? This motherfucking diaper's filled to the rim with Brim."

Then, I pictured her talking to my parents...

"Yo, Grandma Moses. I know we're fucking related and all but do I have to see you ass-clowns every motherfucking weekend? And while we're on the subject, I know I'm pretty fucking cute but can you please wipe that shit-eating grin off your fucking face?"

Of course, the evil madman in me thinks these scenarios would be semi-hilarious. But in reality, I know better. And I sincerely do want to stop swearing in front of her. It wasn't how I was raised and it's not how I want to raise my daughter either. It's just hard to remember because of the fact that she doesn't speak. So sometimes I'll be talking to the BossLady and forget that the Peanunt can overhear us. And next thing you know, I'm cursing like a sailor again. But I'm going to try harder from now on. I swear. On a fucking motherfucking stack of bibles. Oops!

Hey, I get a total pass in this area, because my wife is the one with the total fuckin pottymouth. The one place I have to watch out for is the music I listen to while I'm driving the little ones around.
I posted some stories about this at XDM's blog a while ago:
http://xdm.typepad.com/weblog/2005/03/because_i_start.html

Good luck, I have only been able to slighlty curb my foul language over the past 2 1/2 yrs. It just comes naturally to me. When I swear, it just streams out of my mouth just as any other every-day language would. It is only startling when I realize other people are staring at me since I said this in front of my little girl. My husband is on a crusade to end the parade of foul language and always whispers in a replacement word when I swear. Personally, I don't see how "oh, poop, poopy-poopity-poop" can possible replace "Shit!! This is a load of fucking shit, there is shit everywhere, have you seen all the shit in this diaper!!"

I am trying though, because I have found her "using" some of my foul language in the correct context, and her language skills are quite clear these days. When she tripped over the foot stool last week, she proclaimed, "God Damnit, piece of shit!" If I was a truly good mom, that would have made me feel ashamed, but secretly, I laughed my ass off (but not in front of her). Something about an adorable little girl wearing piggy-tails and a pink sundress screaming "damnit" cracks me up. I did tell her those were naughty words and that neither of us should be using those words. She has not used them again. But I do have to stop, really, I am going to stop. Really. I will let you know how it goes.

I can sympathize. For a while I was good at substituting "poop!" in place of most exclamations I wanted to make, but I've been back-sliding, just as our 15-month old girl is really starting to learn words.

But here's a story for you: Someone I know (who shall remain nameless) had a daughter. When that girl was roughly five years old, she was out one day in the car with her grandma. While driving along, the grandma heard commentary on a nearby car from the back seat: "Pick a lane, bitch!"

Why I have been known to yell out a few potty words now and then I have to say that so far I am not real bad in front of the kid. I strive for a "June Cleaver" type home (but in truth I'm a little more of a Maggie Seaver)My husband however is going to have a much harder time with the language. He's no Bad Santa, but I have heard things come out of his mouth that would make a sailor blush. It won't be long now before the wee little one picks up on it. Good luck your gonna have a F-ing hard time with this one!

I definitely had 'colorful' language before my kids were born. But I knew from watching my cousin grow up (he's 15 years younger) that babies might not be able to speak but they retain what they hear. Imagine our surprise when he started saying "SHIT!" as a one year old. Said it just like his Dad! So I curbed my foul language once I got pregnant. Now it's all about "Darn doodle!" "Dag nabbit!" "Geez louise!" But when I'm with my Hubs alone? I still curse like a sailor. Ha!

The other day, my son was playing with his toy cars in the living room. One of them broke and I overheard him yell, "God damn American piece of shit car." Since our car's been in the shop quite a bit lately, I guess I've been saying that phrase a lot these days. Damn. I didn't think he was paying attention.

Although I have to say, there are not many things more embarassing than hearing your kids curse. I have greater difficulty curbing my listening habits than my language, but when my five-year-old daughter started singing "Candyshop," I knew it was time for an intervention. Because she does in fact like lollipops, and I just don't need that image in my head.

Just you wait. Pretty soon not only will you have to watch your fucking language (and thank GOD for our blogs, right?) you'll have to watch everything you say. I learned this lesson the day we were walking through the grocery store using the shopping cart with the little plastic car in front. We turned around a corner and there was someone in our way. I was mortified to hear Molly "beep" the squeaky horn and say, "MOVE IT, LADY!"

I gave up trying to control my mouth. My kids know it's not appropriate language in front of strangers and other adults.

My oldest swears alot but I think he got most of that shit from the rap music and friends. My young ones got it front the oldest and me. My 10 year old knows what words are wrong and I hear him controlling it by saying "snap" instead of shit. And my 7 year old says frickin' instead of fuckin'. But fuck and asshole are common words heard when they drive with Dad so it doesn't phase them. Does that make me a bad Dad? I'd rather they know the words and know when it is appropriate to use them should they so choose.

I thought my 3-year-old was going to get us kicked out of Disneyworld. One night at a fancy restaurant, he dropped his crayons on the floor and said, "Fuck." The waitress didn't quite hear him, so she leaned right down in his face and cooed, "What did you say, Cutiepie?" I had to clap my hand over his mouth.

I tried for years - pretty unsuccessfully - to rein in the invective when my girls were little. But I don't think they ended up too badly damaged. Of course, the one time I let the Mistress of Sarcasm guestblog, she came out with more Fuckbombs in one post than I do in a week...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... the timing of this post is so funny, considering what *I* posted yesterday. Please go read it, and bear in mind that I was abso-fucking-lutely diligent about not swearing in front of my children.

We wrestle with this issue all the time. My husband and I cuss on a fairly regular basis and don't have an inherant problem with swearing. I don't mind if my child cusses, so long as he learns when it's appropriate and not appropriate.

In car: Appropriate
To boss: Not appropriate

Therein lies the problem. When they're too young to understand that you can't look a strange waitress in the face and say "Fuck." very clearly, they're too young to have the words at all.

Like forks aren't bad things, unless the kid is too young to understand that you don't stab people with them.

We're not yet at the point where we're curbing our language, but I imagine it will happen soon. I can just imagine the phone call from his day care teacher:

"Ms. B, do you know what your son said to little Jimmy today??"

"Shit. What kind of fucking shit did that kid pull this time?"

We are not either of us up for Parent O The Year, in case you were wondering.

Ha! When I lived in an apartment I took the girls for a walk. Amie was 3, amber was not yet 1. Someone was moving into an apartment and they had left a baker's rack sitting on the sidewalk. Amie looked it up and down and said "Mama, what the hell is that thing?"

My first reaction was to bust out laughing, but I caught myself in the nick of time. I neglected to answer her question and instead explained to her that "Hell" is a bad word and little kids shouldn't say bad words.

She pondered that then looked at me with a furrowed brow and said "OK, mama...but WHAT THE HELL IS IT?"

Very funny, MD. I just berated my DH this past weekend for HIS use of swear words. This was after I witnessed my 5 year old stub her toe and then yell out "Awww Shit!" (which of course is the same thing my hubbie yells out when HE stubs his toe.)

Elisson already gave the parental perspective, but here is a great story that was told to me many years ago by the mother of a student. First, a little background: This particular mother had quite a huge personality as did her little 10 year old. I was never suprised at the things she told me. Once, she shared with me that he had commented to her about the size of my, ahem, womanly parts. This particular story was of the time that she was waiting for him to come off the school bus. Instead of her son getting of the bus, the driver did. She approached the driver and said, "What did the little asshole do now?"

I must say that you New Yorkers curse better than people in the rest of the country. I've spent a lot of time visiting relatives located in all five boroughs and I'm always amazed at the artistry of their swearing. It's like a patois.

You know how when you visit a foreign country, you come home speaking English with a foreign accent? It's like that for me and NYC. After every visit when I return home to the Midwest, for a few weeks, I just can't stop cursing. A few times, friends of mine had to actually tell me that my language was inappropriate.

We have a 12 month old daghter (today!) and both my fiance and I have horrible potty mouths. I, fortunately, have learned to control myself due to all of my tight ass jobs, but my fiance, on the other hand, is absolutely fucking ridiculous. He says fuck every other word and DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE HE DOES IT. It's just so natural for him to swear that he takes no notice of the fact that he's spewing verbal diarreah at our daughter. I told him that every time he swore I was going to shout out a meaningless word (like peanut butter) because I read somewhere that a kids brain doesn't have time to soak in the bad crap when something is said immediately after REALLY LOUDLY. So this has been fun. I've been shouting, "EARMUFFS!!!" like every 2 seconds when I'm at home. (From the movie Old School) My fiance and I both can't help but laugh every time too because, well, we're retarded like that. I used to think her first word was going to be fuck, now I know it's going to be earmuffs.

I read that thinking, "Shit! That's me!" But I see JJ Daddy already outed me :-)

Feel your pain, brutha. I give up swearing every year for Lent, but then I swear. And then I swear because I swore. I come from some champion swearing stock. (Irish mother: "Ahh jaysus. Fer Fuck's sake! Wudja haver shoot-oop!" Midwestern father: Shit from Shinola, SHit from apple butter etc.) I could use shit 15 different very distinctive ways by the fifth grade. It's an art, really.

Well, I don't swear, but I was wondering. Parents who try not to swear in front of their kids, does it really matter? Once the kids start school, they're going to be hearing all sorts of stuff and they'll start cussing whether or not their parents do. Heck, my parents don't swear and I learned all the swear words in school.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot police my mouth. While I do not say to my children "Hey, what the hell is going on with your room? It looks like a fucking tornado of clothing set down in there." I know that my kids will overhear me talking on the phone with friends and I tend to be, um, colorful. One day it occurred to me that if I told my kid that those words are "Mommy and Daddy" words then the kid would obviously know that he isn't a parent and then know he is not allowed to use that language until he has fathered a child. This made much more sense to me that saying "those are grown up words" because what if he grew into a 13 year old smartass who begins swearing like a sailor the day he becomes Bar Mitzvah? I could see it in my future "Thanks for the pens, biatch." So, this is what I did. I told my son that all of those words are "Mommy and Daddy Words." When he was three we had this conversation in the car while driving home from preschool:

Son: Why can't I say "damn it"?
Mom: Because that is a Mommy or daddy word.
Son: Or a beaver word, right? Beavers can say dammit right?
Mom: yes, you are right. So dammit would be a Mommy, Daddy or beaver word.
Son: Oh, okay.

Took all I had to keep the car on the road and not bust out in total laughter. Good thing I had peed before we got in the car! Then for a couple of years after that, he would point out to us when we were using a "mommy,daddy or beaver" word.

I think the solution is not in swearing less per se, but in creating new, more powerful swear words. In 1970, fuck was shocking, disruptive, unruly. In 1980, fuck was alive and well on seriously adult movies and your troubled inner city schools, and by 1990 it was commonplace on over-the-radio rap songs.

By the oughts, fuck is mundane, trite, impotent.

I had this evolutionary realization listening to old school Cyprus Hill, and how "hole in your muthafucking head (in your HEAD), doesn't quite have the ring it did 15 years ago.

Seems very equivalent to the evolution of penicilin, and how we're running up against strain resistance. (http://www.vh.org/adult/provider/pathology/antibioticresistance/)

I'm also trying to figure out why FUCK was so powerful in the first place. sure, in it's compound varieties like assfucker, or motherfucker, ratfucker, have a little bit of zip, but in almost every conceiveable way, the generic, standalone fuck isn't really so threatening/upsetting in the first place.

So in closing, i don't even have a proposal quite yet. there's a ton of junk on the net to start with: http://www.absoluteastronomy.com/encyclopedia/L/Li/List_of_fictional_curse_words.htm

But i think it's going to need to be short, slavic or at least germanic in root, and ideally, have some new dimension besides excrement (shit, smegma, etc.) or sexuality (fuck, cunt, etc.) to address.

it's going to be hard, no doubt, but i think we're just fooling ourselves, akin to taking penicillin, if we think this fucking word still has any bite left in it.

Okay. I don't like swearing in front of small kids. It's just the way I was raised. I remember when my dad had a coworker over for visit and he didn't know I was on the other side of the door. It was Fuck this and Fuck that. I was shocked. I popped out from behind the door and the look on his face was fucking priceless. hahahaha

Many years ago when my brother younger brother (Hi bro) was in pre-school he was quiet, shy, and spent the first few days not speaking. Then one day he was drawing in a coloring book and when he couldn't locate the red crayon he said, "Shit, where's the red crayon?!" Parental conference time our mom (Hi mom!) learned that she should control her language around her little ones. Me, I hardly ever fucking swear. Honest! ;)

So this morning, as we're getting ready to go to daycare, I turned to my little Peanut and cooed, "You ready to go, baby? You got your little hat on? 'Cause it's hot as a motherfucking bitch out there today!"