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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I mean that in the middle of carrying the oh so heavy cross of IF, I still tried.

There were many times I had to "fake" it...but none the less I tried.

I texted my SILs that were pregnant, asking them how they were and to remind them that my precious niece/nephew was in my prayers.

Sure, sometimes the bitterness and pain followed shortly after the conversation, but I still tried.

I had lunch with my girlfriends, who would never know the pains of IF and whose pregnant bellies grew and grew from the little ones growing within.

Did I have to give myself a massive pep talk before these lunches and ask for prayers of strength?

Most always. But I still tried.

I attended most all baby showers to show my support.

Were there there were times I'd excuse myself to cry in the bathroom because it was quite painful?

Heck to the yes. But I still tried.

My point in all this is that looking back now, I'm so beyond grateful that I tried. That even though there were so many times that I struggled and hurt and felt absolutely defeated, to those that were important to me I tried.

Why did I try so hard-Besides the obvious that I wanted to show support to those that were important?

Because in the midst of my pain, I knew deep down, one way or anther (conception or adoption) our family would grow. I did not know when and I did not know how, but I knew that someday it would be. And when that day would come I wanted the support from my close family and friends, just as I did for them.

I didn't want to be a person who yes, although at times very bitter/jealous/sad/angry, let those emotions run my life...and allow me to not celebrate with those I love.

I know we each have our own journeys, some have been battling this cross for far too long, while others are new to the game but almost instantly know the pain.

Some people are good at faking it, others can't because it's too much.

The thing is, for me, I'm glad that I did-because all those times of celebrating with friends and families over their growing families made me put my desires aside and be there for them.

And now, being only weeks away from meeting our daughter, I am beyond grateful for those that have shown support and celebrated with us during this pregnancy-especially those closest to us that knew of our struggle.

So, as hard as it was at times (so so so very hard and uncomfortable), looking back I am so glad I tried.

**edit:
I'm in no way saying that people always have to try or that if you don't do what I did then it means you're weak or whatnot. I'm just saying what I did and what worked for me. It was definitely something I had to do-because if not i would have been in a perpetual state of bitterness/sadness/anger. Aaaaaand, end of rant! ;)

Sweet baby, before you were even conceived I was forcing myself to grow, to do things that made me uncomfortable, to put myself aside so that I could be there for others. You already have taught me so much. I can't wait to meet you-anytime you're ready, we're ready!

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comments:

I can see how this nay upset some people...but I just want to say that I saw this when you were still waiting, o saw how much you tried and I always thought "damn, that girl is strong and a true selfless person". I wish I had tried as hard as you did. I know I did what I could in the moment and I made myself go to baby showers that I was phsycially able to (except on my own birthday...I'm no saint!) And I called up friends who had kids and seemed exasperated to offer to help...but still, I wish I would have tried a little harder. After all, being selfless is what motherhood turns out to be all about...its hard to have this foresight though so I have always been impressed by your posts that showed that.

Alison: I really appreciate your comment and that you could see that I tried! I think it's great that you tried too-brcause it def is not easy!o! The thing is, I'm def not trying to tell people what they should and shouldn't do I'm was just venting in a sense about something that I did, something I needed to do. Each person is def different and each story is unique, no matter the common thread of IF.

I think you bring up a good point about going beyond our comfort zone that we can get into when dealing with IF. We can get stuck in that anger/bitterness and I think it was wise of you to know that for yourself. I am not saying that people should push their limit but that we think we may not be able to handle something but maybe we can and God will give us the grace to sustain us. I think it is important for us to discern what God is calling each of us to. Btw I was not offended by this post, it just made me think about areas that I can grow in :)

I really do agree with this post though...I hope that's clear? I just know that things are SO much clearer on this side. If only it could have been that clear (for me) on the other side. I distinctly remember reading your posts while pregnant where you relayed these same thoughts (though still not pregnant) and I just thought man, this girl's faith is unwavering. And I loved it! Ive aalways loved your blog. This just shows your consistency. Hope that's clearer?

Alison: yes ma'am! :) I guess after reading my post again I wanted to make sure that people didn't think I was judging. I really do appreciate your comment though-because it was def not easy but hearing someone say they recognize that def makes me feel good! You rock! ;)

Kat: so happy you see what I'm saying where in coming from. A lot of my mentality was also about not wanting to look back and regret how I was during the really tough times. It is def through prayer that God gave me strength when I thought I could not (like you said!!)-its really amazing like that. Praying for you sweet friend!

I had different situation, but same feelings. I had a sick kid that was stuck in the NICU. All of her little friends got to go home and we were just stuck there--with no end in sight. I forced myself to go say goodbye and smile and rejoice, even thought inside I felt like crying out "will this ever be us too, God?"

Now I'm so grateful. I think those visits were an Act of Hope. Anytime a baby leaves the hospital--that is a good thing. It was good to rejoice with those who are rejoicing. it was good to act as someone with Hope and in Hope.

I just came across your blog, and I absolutely love this post. I am in what I call the "waiting period" with adoption/infertility, and everything you said is so true! It's hard, but I know it's worth it to be there and not get caught up in the bitterness. Thanks for sharing!

About me:

I am a Catholic woman who is madly in love with her husband (5 years), struggling with PCOS and beyond thrilled and (still) shocked that on 6/2/12 we received our first ever BFP...just a week before our 5 year anniversary!!!.