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Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Research by professional tearologists has pointed to the
conclusion that the ongoing CFC hellcamp of 0-W778 is angering large numbers of
players. The report also highlighted that a disturbing number of people believe
The Mittani acquired his place of resident through real money transfer, and
that he also consistently purchases chicken from KFC using the same method of
income.

Many of these tears can be seen on the comments sections of
Eve News 24 articles, and are generally more illegible and poorly thought out
than the posts themselves. This will give you some idea of how bad the
situation is. Several comments theoretisied that if everyone stopped visiting
Eve's premier news site themittani.com the leader of the CFC would be forced to
abdicate. EN24 commenter and N3 member 'Robo' was particularly
anguished at the hellcamp, posting this:

"Bahahahaaa a faggot, ohh wow... Shouldn't you be on
TMC sucking mitts cock, guzzling cum, licking your lips of every last slither
of jizz. Never had to fire sale anything at all, if ever needed that's why
having alts in cfc alliances is useful as well as selling over priced ships to
them of course.1 a penny ol boy."

Appropriately named 'Subhuman' gave
his theory on why the State of the Goonion was not held on Valentine's
Day, inferring Mittani was cheating on his wife with his dog:

"Mittens was too busy with his ... what teh fuck is his
dogs breed anyway looks like someone took a real dog and shrank it so he
wouldnt feel so inadequate .. date last night"

Many third-party spectators grew worried that the game was
being destroyed by the so-called 'miatttani'. One of these people were
concerned that corporations in N3 renter corps would be forced to go
back to lowsec or highsec, apparently unaware of the fact that both the Russian
block and the CFC have renter alliances of their own:

"So its been stated that you don't want to ruin the FUN
of the game, yet by destroying a large coalition that is N3 you wipe out all
their rental corps which without living behind the banner of N3 would never get
to experience nullsec for a majority of them.... But meh it is what it is
and the freedom of EVE and the nature of man will always produce some form of
Dictator that tries to make their claim in the universe and everyone else just
rolls along with it."

erratic1212 displayed
his erratic behaviour and noted that despite the fact that the CFC
declared war months ago, they 'hasn't done shit', despite playing a large role in the largest battle in Eve's history, pondering the question 'how do you dec war
when you're already in one?' He concluded these observations by saying "Just
more dork ass mittins spewing propaganda."

The same man popped
up again multiple times in the thread to deliver his valued opinion on
the present situation.

"Mitsuck is the biggest shit on this game there is. It
would be so much better without him and his cry babie goonturds.Remember all
the crying they did after they tried to crash the node and it backfired?"

While of the Grrrr Goons crowd speculated The Mittani RMTed
using his alliances income, erratic believes he makes money for his alliance
the other way round - by using ad revenue from themittani.com to give to his
alliance. Apparently this would make the CFC completely destitute if everyone
chose to boycott the website.

"Yep, funny how all the suck in the game gathers
to take out far lesser forces, cries like little girls when they get spanked,
and think they've accomplished something when they win.It truly is
pathetic.

But, hey, Mittens has RMT from his web site, and that is what it's all
about.If everyone boycotted that website, you'd see the game change
dramatically."

Terrible Name revealed the truth behind the CFC - they're actually led by a
combination of Hitler, Darth Sideous and Richard III.

"The problem is people like you don't 'get' goons.
They play the fucking Imperial March before Mittens delivers his speech. Goons
revel in pretending to be an evil empire lead by Hitler. Its a massive joke for
them. Goons dont take this game seriously, and they understand Mittens plays a
self aggrandizing propaganda machine spinning narratives like a tornado and
they love him for it. Mittens is basically playing Richard the 3rd in
space. "

Themittani.com again came under attack, with an N3 member
again making a Nazi
comparison.

"Don't see mittens camping with you eh, grinding in
bombers?... Oh yea he wouldn't waste his time doing that, he doesn't need to
logg in ever, his lackeys serve their purpose once more.TMC is a tool for the modern day version of Nazi Germany,
you have Mittens as your Dictator, milking income into his wallet while doctrinating
the majority of cfc in censored propaganda devout of anything more than half
truths at best/ lies at least."

"The truth will out. Think on this goon peons ratting
yourself into an early grave .. IF Mittens was not involved in RMT, how could
he afford to live in NY AND give up his job. 1.5 cent clicky adverts? I think
not."

Apparently ratting poses some kind of health hazard and can result in you dying early because The Mittani is involved in RMT.

The Tear Research and Investigation Unit put their findings together to produce this graph. We asked leading tearologist Dr. Endie to explain these results to us.

"We can clearly see some disturbing evidence that N3 have become extremely sad after this event, building on the already dangerous levels of discontent that we saw following B-R5RB. These emotions could continue to increase over the next few days; at around 100 Tear Units (TU) we'll begin to see people get so angry they quit their corp, at 150TU the more enraged members will begin to incoherently spam characters in local like highsec miners, then towards 200TU we'll see people ragequit the game and biomass their characters. We've seen some negative TU readings from the CFC, indicating tears of joy and/or happiness, while PL have continued to be chill throughout the month."

It's only a matter of time before the 0-W778 station is flooded with tears of its trapped residents, causing people to drown and die. With the number of respectable arguments made by members of N3, pressure is growing on The Mittani to put a stop to this atrocity.

Monday, 10 February 2014

Acknowledging that EVE is basically a game
for nerds that love spreadsheets, CCP has boldly decided just to hand out
copies of Microsoft Excel for their next expansion. Since most of you are in
fact nerds and do in fact love Excel, an extra free copy of Microsoft’s popular
virginity retainment software will likely be a big hit with fans. Here’s the
official, and might I add delicately worded, press release:

“Listen, nerds, don’t deny how much you
love numbers, math, and masturbating so we’re gonna phone this one in and give
you a free license to Microsoft Excel. We both know you go a big veiny one for
spreadsheets so don’t even bother to flame us. And while we’re at it, next up
on the product roadmap is in-game integration with RussianMailOrderBrides.com
(do we know our demographic or WHAT?). Also we’re introducing a ‘Plex for
Pizza’ program where Dominos will deliver a hot cheesy circle of garbage
straight to your door in exchange for a PLEX. All it takes is the click of the
Dominos icon in your Station Services panel.

Of course, once we roll this out to
nullsec all the big alliances will drive the price of PLEX down to try to just
defeat their enemies by coaxing them into a food coma. We’re all about the meta
game here at CCP.”

What follows is pure editorialization on
the author’s behalf, which I realize is highly unorthodox for the Eveion which
has never posted an untrue thing in its
entire history, but I think this move is a game changer. I, for one, can’t
even remember the username and password to my PVP toons. I get home from work,
pop open a Zima, and roll out multiple Planetary Interaction spreadsheets
across my three massive monitors. I then (also did I mention I am naked from
the waist down for this part?) marvel on how if I squeeze out 3 more Nanites
from Jita IV per day I can make one extra Wetware Mainframe 13 months from now!
Haha, take that CCP: I just fucking won
EVE.