Sex when you have a disability

I was flicking through instagram earlier today and came across an amazing post by @wheely_good_time. It was a group of spoonie sex tips (learn about the spoon theory if you don’t know what a spoonie is) and I loved them! I instantly bounced them up into my stories and saved them. They are practical tips and reminders with a nice dose of humour and I love that.

I especially like tip 6 about positions which suggests starting with spooning! And I think positioning is something that is really important with some disabilities or chronic health conditions. Do you feel better when you’re sitting or laying? Is your wheelchair the most comfortable place for you? Incorporate that into your sex life! Do you find having your legs elevated on a cushion helps you feel better? Well that’s great because it can position you for better sex! Use the motion of a wheelchair or the many positions of a riser recliner in your favour. Research positions together and you’ll find out what you both like.

“Use a powerchair? Explore the tilt function to get your body in a comfortable position for self-exploration. Depending on your mobility, explore the sensation of shifting or rubbing your weight on the seat. Go for a jiggly, bumpy ride on a rough surface. Play around with the position of your belt and/or straps if you want to see what light bondage feels like.”
– ACSEXE+

I’ve talked on my blog about communication before but I want to reiterate that I think a safe word is important. You need a way to distinguish between moans of pleasure and the screams of “shit my hip just dislocated”.

Sex isn’t a race. Quick sex can be fun and has it’s place but we are so often shown this idea of destination sex. Sex which is just about penetration and anything else that’s happening is just to get to that goal. Sex without penetration can be more creative. It can take an afternoon and go in fits and starts as energy allows. You can take a breather and just lay there together. These things are ok and can create intimacy.

“In the movies, couples are always portrayed as being flawlessly sexy and romantic. In reality… people get cramps. They hit their head. Their stomachs make weird noises. They pull a muscle. And when you live with chronic pain, things are, truthfully, even more likely to go a bit awry. Don’t be afraid to laugh with your partner – it may even bring you closer together.”
– The Mighty

I’ve said before but think about timing. I know that there is this idea out there of spontaneous sex that often happens after bedtime but in reality, we could be having better sex if we listened to our bodies. When are you most awake? When do you feel at your best? If that’s sunday lunch time then make the most of it! And if your bed is like mine and full of random stuff – positioning pillows, books, bears… – then move them before you get started. That way you don’t have to stop midway to make things more comfortable. It also means that if, like me you are fed overnight, you don’t have to add in navigating extra tubes.

Play to your individual strengths. If one of you is physically stronger, make them do more of the physical work. You can give back in other ways – dirty talk, creating fantasies, excellent playlists etc.

Anyway, this post was mostly to link to the cool instagram post and to revive the conversation around sex and disability.

And remember that sex releases wonderful hormones which can help with pain!