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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Me and my crazy head

It's now couple months after one of the biggest change I've had in my life, I am now able to fully digest the things that have happened and my very own decision...

I've spent the past couple months justifying my decision... To my family, my friends and most of the time, to myself... There are times where I wonder why do I feel the need to justify it. Isn't it supposed to be my life? Well - I can't really blame anyone but me, it's more me who always feel that I need to explain myself.

During one of the discussions with my gal-pals today, we come across the topic of changes and being content with what we have. Lia asked Jc if "something" better comes up in place of "something" that she already have, would she take up the offer. She said no. She has always been a very nice and easy-going person who know what she wants and happy with what she's got. Lia was @.@ (slightly confused that she wouldn't). I can quite understand Jc's point though... I mean there's no such thing as better (especially when it comes to people); there are differences; plus-es and minus-es; person A might have points that person B doesn't have and vice versa. When I explained that, I was asked "Why did I decide to make that change if it's not because the new thing is better?" I have to say I was a bit surprised by the question... so took me a little while to answer but when I think bout it... it's not because the new thing is better; but it's because i like the new thing more and i think it suits me more...

I hope... that's the last justification I have to make for that decision of mine. I'm getting tired of the whole justifying scenarios..... It makes me wish I can be more like some people who just do what they want and not justifying it.

I feel like I've spend my whole life trying my best to do the right thing (according to people around me); and I was doing fine... and then when one time I decided to do something that's not considered 'right' - I feel that this one action changes their view of me. I feel I'm being judged for my last decision. I feel the need to make it up to them. And then I try to make it up to them by doing other 'right' things. But I feel they are still not willing to let go of this decision of mine. I almost feel that they want me to take back my decision. Revert them. Or is it just me and my paranoid thoughts? Maybe deep down, I wanted to take back my decision and I'm trying to blame it on these people?

The thing is... Consciously I think I've done the right thing. For me. At least for now. I'm happy. Happy with my decision. Or at least I think I am.

But, subconsciously... I feel that maybe I might regret making this dramatic change. I've been trying to suppress it. I've talked to people. That helped a bit. But I can't keep talking about the same thing again and again.. I'll start to sound like a broken record. And I don't want that. But at the same time, I can't get it out of my head though... Not unless I can find the answers to my questions... My brain will continue to wonder... What's right for me?