Friday, January 21, 2005

I cried again...

My mother called me last night and we chatted about a lot of things. And I really opened up my eyes last night. I realised that I'm so blessed and deeply in love with my boyfriend. I just cannot stand days without him by my side. It was like my right hand is missing.

My mom was telling me how happy she was that I found Tjun and she gave me all her blessings. I burst into tears. I don't know what I'm feeling here. Maybe, I'm happy that she was happy for me, and maybe I felt sad about the thought of leaving her. She said she was happy that my boyfriend was a fantastic guy that I should treasure. And I really do treasure him a lot though all his comments are always so straight forward and hurting. Anyway, I know what he said are true, I am trying to do something about it. It has been years that I'm trying. I will have to try hard this year. For myself, and for the love of my life. I wish we had a proper dinner with my family. I'm so sorry that my parents are so busy. And did I mention it was my first time that my father smiled at my friend? Hmmm, that was him.

Through this chat, I also found out that my ex was cheating on me. That's was probably why I finally let him go and only treated him as a friend. But being friends was not good enough, he kept talking about the past which make me sick. I hate it. Anyway, he's totally out of my life, and I will NEVER want to see him again. I have no idea why I even kept him as a friend for so long and have sympathy for his family for a year after my break up with him. Probably I was blinded. And only time made me open my eyes clearer. And my stupid brother didn't tell me about him going to play pool with another girl very closely when he was with me. That's cheating b*st*rd. Do I fall for prey easily? I think after the whole experience, I'm more cautious now. Hmmm I don't have feelings about him at all. I think this is a good sign.

I don't know how to express myself to my boyfriend. All the things that I'm willing to do for him. I hope he knows that I'm totally serious about this whole relationship and I'm not playing him. I love him with all my heart. I don't ever want to hurt him again. Never... I'm not the "sui pian" person. Yes I was blinded, but I don't wish to be cheated on and I totally have trust in him. Am I too soft? I seems to appear strong, but I'm really weak inside when it comes to my own relationship. I never felt this way for anyone. Not to the extend to what we're going to do for the coming semester. It's a big step. I'm excited but scared at the same time. Who wouldn't be???