Pope John Paul II, Who Called Gay Marriage “Evil”, To Become Saint In 2014

It looks like Pope John Paul II is really fast-tracking the lengthy process of canonization: The Vatican has announced he will be made a saint as early as April 27, 2014. During his monumental 27 reign the former Karol Józef Wojtyła healed rifts with Judaism, Islam and other Christian denominations, but JP2 never exactly muddled words about his opinion on homosexuality.

In his2005 book Memory and Identity, he said:

It is legitimate and necessary to ask oneself if this [same-sex marriage] is not perhaps part of a new ideology of evil, perhaps more insidious and hidden, which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man.

Today the family is often threatened by social and cultural pressures that tend to undermine its stability; but in some countries the family is also threatened by legislation which – at times directly – challenge its natural structure, which is and must necessarily be that of a union between a man and a woman founded on marriage … [Traditional marriage] must never be undermined by laws based on a narrow and unnatural vision of man.

John Paul also opposed the use of condoms to prevent the spread of HIV, an opinion with fatal consequences in the Third World.

Being dead for eight year hasn’t stopped John Paul from performing miracles, a prerequisite for sainthood: The Vatican confirmed John Paul II posthumously cured a nun of Parkinson’s Disease and helped a woman recover from a brain aneurism.

Along with John Paul II, John XXIII (whose opinions on gay marriage were perhaps less openly discussed) will also be eligible for sainthood, making this the first time in history two popes will be canonized at the same time. (Twinsies!)

Actually, Catholic dogma states that both Johns are already living as saints in Heaven, and that the canonization process is just a formality for the benefit of those of us on planet Earth. Jeez, this stuff is more complicated than filing for unemployment.

I wonder if there are break dancers in Heaven. John Paul may not have liked gays, but he really liked break dancers.