Most people
are fairly uptight. They want to be perfect and look perfect. They strive
constantly to be totally normal, and be accepted by others over all. Most
families depend on Oprah to show them what to do to make their lives perfect.
Life isn’t all sunshine and lollypops. Miracles are “miracles” because
they almost never happen. TV shows like Martha Stewart show People how to
organize their lives so they seem so amazingly perfect. Beauty lies within, that
is what I have always been told, so why does every one have to strive for
perfection in their appearance? And People only say that to the ugly people.
Which always make them feel good. I know because all of my Elementary School
teachers, at least the few that liked me or I was involved with in some way,
told me that, As well as guidance councilors, principals, Adult acquaintances,
family members, everyone. Everyone tries so hard to seem so nice and polite.
They find “better” ways of saying thing to you. Like in stead of saying ‘you’re
fat.’ They say ‘you’re curvy’ to a girl. But it is tossed aside or
completely blown out of proportion when a guy is overweight. When in my
experience, guys are very self-conscience about their weight. But it’s still
OK to make fun of their friends and peers about their weight; it takes some of
the pressure off of them I guess. That still goes for any “flaw” though.
Everyone says ‘Beauty is on the inside’ but few believe it or even
embrace that fact. Perfection is impossible in my opinion, nothing and no one is
perfect. I dislike that word quite a bit. I have been told I am perfect by some
one, only to be dumped by that someone (you know who you are). Which
automatically disproves the statement. If I were perfect then wouldn’t I get
more recognition? Wouldn’t everyone like me? Wouldn’t I have guys flocking
to me? Wouldn’t I be society’s definition of beauty? Would you have ever
dumped me? I must admit, I thought I loved this person on a romantic level,
however I realized that I just don’t have to romantic experience to love
yet, I was infatuated with him however. I do LOVE most of the people
around me. Having never experienced the death of a peer, I don’t know what I
would do if that were to happen. I love my friends with all my heart and soul
without a word of a lie, I do. But back to perfection, I am not perfect in
anyway shape or form. I have tried and tried most of my life to fit in and be
normal and perfect. It just doesn’t work. When I gave up, I felt better, and
was accepted more than I ever have, and at the same time experienced the extreme
opposites of them. But I learned quickly to try to ignore those who try to bring
me down. And I do feel better about myself now, in a way. But I have never ever
been as depressed as I have been the last six months of my life. Back to love
though, I really don’t like to through that word around. I may love most of
the people around me but I certainly don’t feel loved. I wished for
most of my life to be someone else. I always tried to steer away from pressure
and decision-making. Though it did show because it is hard to get away from
these things. Now I feel like the world can just fuck me, mostly because it
already has. I always feel like what I think is wrong because my parents tell me
it is for one, and other people (you know who you are too). I have to abide by
their opinions. And my mom always says she wants me to be a free sprit, but she
doesn’t enforce it at all. She just enforces and reinforces every other little
tiny rule ever. I’m beyond overprotected. The dark scares her so she thinks
that it scares me. I love the dark; sunlight scares me most of the time. Nothing
is safe to her, like walkingacross the street on our Crescent,
which has no traffic at all.She
doesn’t like my high school, and will not let me get a transfer to stay at
that school (a newer high school was built very close to our home) because she
hates my current high school because she went there TWENTY years ago. The Newer
high school doesn’t offer the courses I need, and really want, my current one
does. I am going to be stuck in an even worse school with people I dislike even
more, and none of my friends. From what I can tell I am the only punkish/freakish
sort of person that will be going there. (I looked around the gym during a
meeting that was held for all the people going there next year). And besides
that I really don’t get along with most of the people that are my age, a lot
of them are really ignorant, and lack character. They are all mindless drones
controlled by Nike and the Gap. In other words, sheeps, preps, followers, The
‘Popular’ crowd… you know what I mean. None of them have guts; they don’t
like things that aren’t ‘normal’. Therefore, most of them don’t like me.
Which I know is true not just because of that but a lot of them tell me to their
face. I just laugh in theirs. They don’t want to be themselves they want to be
what they think everyone else wants them to be. Which I guess I am guilty of
sometimes. However I know I am not as guilty as they are, I speak my mind. I
have a mind! But they all know that they are perfect and I am scum, while
perfection is impossible, at least they got something right. I think I almost
prefer it that way sometimes: they can lead their “perfect existences” and
leave me the hell alone. All I ask is that I am heard out sometimes and not told
that MY OPINION is stupid (you know who you are). I am always up for a
debate but a person’s opinion is a person’s opinion, and no opinion is STUPID.
And I always hope that there IS someone out there that DOES agree with me. I
honestly don’t like hurting people feelings, but I know that I do and I hope
that people do know that I am usually sorry, unless I tell you to “fuck off
die and burn in hell” that usually means that you really pissed me off and
leave me the hell alone or you’ll really hear it. If things don’t get worked
out between be ad that person then I am not sorry, if they don’t get worked
out then either I didn’t want it worked out or they were being a jerk about
it. And that’s that. But most of the time when someone tell me t6o burn in
hell I say ‘I already am, this is my own personal hell. No one understands
that really, but if they don’t understand then I don’t think that they want
to understand, because they haven’t made and effort to understand. When they
make an effort they will get what they want, understanding. Most of the time all
people need is a shoulder to cry on, just someone to listen and suggest. Nothing
more, I don’t want people to fix anything for me I want to do it myself.
However, most people are SO lazy that they force other people to fix
things for them (you had better know who you are).It only adds to my pile, and you don’t want to hear about me so, oh
well I can’t rot can’t I? But rotting is fun, ::: sigh ::: I wish that were
true.