Mon, I've tried the grog, just gave me a hangover and a sore back. Double-awful. And a baby with JS's face - ewww. Please God that baby MurLem is as gorgeous as you!

Allie - the toilet dream! I have that one too!!! And sometimes I've gone into a loo and thought the walls were solid only to look up and realise they're gone! And I'm on the toilet with people all around!!!! There aren't enough exclamation marks in the world for that feeling. Unfortunately a doona's not enough padding for Princess-and-the-Pea-me - BTDT.

WiseGuy - we do take our own bedding, but can't fit a whole mattress in the car/roof-pod. I wish we could!

lovecomesfirst and JB - I googled the cost of a high density foam single underlay - wowzers! Even on ebay I'm looking at at least more than one hundred bucks.

babysmiling - Will investigate the eggshell stuff further, though I'd love a latex topper I can't justify spending the moola on one for a week a year (we stay there when skiing too), so maybe the eggcrate foam is cheaper.

SIF - that is a crazy awful dream! Hope you don't have that one again.

Eden - I love your Ms Dream Analyser self and your positive thoughts. Strangely, I dreamed he died again last night. The ALP were trying to kill him and I woke up crying in bed beside him. I think I'm very afraid of losing him. (And yes, ALP = Australian Labor Party, WTF is going on in my head???)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Every year the Big Guy's Mum organises all the family, close and extended to go up to their ski lodge and have a long weekend away. This year the family pickings were slim, what with SIL #2 having just delivered their baby, the reliable cousin busy organising her wedding, SIL #1 moving house and BIL off surfing. So the long weekend this year was just us five, MIL, FIL, SIL #3 and her two kids, FIL's brother and his daughter and grand-daughter. (What an acronym-rich post).

Last time we all went up it went like this. I must have wiped out the mattresses from my memory because OH MY GOD those things are rocks!!!!

So this time, we go up there and TBG promises me that they will all leave the lodge for activities during the daytime and I will be able to work - because, as you know, I have this looming deadline and I'm scrambling around trying to meet it.

Day 1 - fine-ish ... I'd slept like crap the night before and was sore and a bit hung-over, but they all left for about 4 hours during the day and I got quite a lot of work done. Yay. Then we grown-ups sat around playing games 'til the wee hours and went to bed. Where I proceeded to have the weirdest and most devastating dream.

TBG and I had decided to kill ourselves by drinking raspberry-cordial-flavoured-unknown-poison we bought from some guy on the street. We were laying in a bed together having drunk the poison, waiting to slip into unconsciousness and die when I realised I could feel the baby girl I was 18 weeks pregnant with kicking me. (WTF?) And then I panicked. (Naturally). I started having second thoughts about our suicide pact and I wondered if I called an ambulance if they could identify the poison and fix us in time. TBG was unconscious beside me and so I shook him and shook him to rouse him and when he sleepily opened his eyes I told him about my second thoughts and asked him what he wanted me to do. He mumbled that he just wanted to be left alone to die.

And then I woke up. I was emotionally crushed for a second and very very sad and then I realised it had been a dream and I rolled over to find my beloved, sleeping, alive husband to wake him up and get cuddled. I didn't sleep much more that night. Got up grumpy, still affected by the dream and then it rained and all the outdoor activities were cancelled.

Arrrggghhhh.

FIL's brother's daughter offered to drop me home as she was leaving that day and so after lunch we drove the 3.5 hours home. We spoke of my conception dramas and she felt the need to tell me that "some things are just not meant to be". Well, that sent me right off. I politely but firmly told her that the "meant to be" line was crap and surely she didn't think that toddler Gurshan Singh was "meant to die" and so if not, then what was happening to me was not "meant to be" but just really bad luck. She agreed. Possibly, now I recount that, I wasn't so polite. But whatever.

When I got home I spoke lovingly to my own darling gentle bed, finished off writing up the results
section of my report, emailed it to my supervisor (who will be surprised to get mail from me at 2:30am) and now here I am.

Randomly rambling.

Why on earth was pregnant-me wanting to commit suicide. I wasn't aware of the pregnancy until I drank the poison and laid down, what a freaky thing to dream.

But not as freaky as the time I dreamed I was all dressed in white in a pseudo-churchy place in amongst an audience of similarly-white-clothed young women. Then this handsome, goateed man up front pointed at me and said, "Her."
And right then I knew that the devil had just chosen me to be his bride.

I really dream some doozies.

Speaking of doozies, did any of you ever watch Fraggle Rock - I completely loved the Doozers. They were so totally cute!

So questions for the peanut gallery ... I'd really love some answers!

What's the weirdest dream you can remember?

Did you like the Fraggles?

What are your recommendations for making hard horrid beds comfortable (because, come next March I'll be going up that mountain again to sleep on that cruddy mattress)?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I'm struggling through the data analysis for my project at present. It's due in on March 31st, I'm yet to successfully run the stats and you can blame the outliers and the lack of 'normality' for that.

And that got me thinking. I'm an outlier, I'm the not-normal in the dataset of women.

"An outlier is an observation that lies an abnormal distance from other values

in a random sample from a population".

I'm 37 and I don't make many eggs when stimulated. Outlier.
I've done 4 IVF stim cycles without a pregnancy. Outlier.
I have a very low AMH level and a very low inhibin-B level ... for 37. Outlier.

If I was in my dataset, I'd want to transform me or delete me. I'd ruin the analysis if I left me in.

I wish I could transform myself. I'd turn myself into Super-Egg-Making-Lady and square-root my weirdo hormone levels right into the normal range. Just like that!

But no. It only works in statistical packages, where my lovely depressed/not-depressed old people are now just represented by the numbers I've made of them.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I'd like blue eyes. The kind of blue that's really pale with dark rims.

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
I find it hard to come up with present ideas. I'm middle-class and relatively well-off so I have no burning desires. Not like when I was 20 and poor. There was a ton of stuff I wanted then.

Can you do a chin-up?
Hahaha, I love gag questions!

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited. I only really get nervous about things when I know what they are and they're impending.

Have you been in a car wreck?
Yep. Ouch.

Have you caused a car wreck?
No.

Do you have an accent?
I'm Australian and I sincerely hope I don't sound it.

Last time you cried?
A couple of weeks ago. That I can't bear it post was preceded and followed by tears.

Plans tonight?
No more writing, going to bed.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Oh yeah. Apparently I like the bottom cause I've been there a few times.

Name three things you bought yesterday?
45 bread rolls. 3 kg of potato salad and a cheesecake to feed 20 people. It was the Big Guy's 40th birthday party and it went great.

For the better or worse?
Mostly better. Alright, better completely, even the ex, he made me grow up so much.

How did you bring in the New Year?
Soggily in the city under a meagre bit of shelter watching the early fireworks.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
I would but I wonder how far the question means? Back way way far - I'd go and see medieval France, back in my lifetime - I'd go back and tell my Dad not to hang himself. That really fucked me up and I don't think he thought it would.

What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't usually, but if I do it's whatever has gotten stuck in my head recently.

Have you held hands with someone today?
Yep!

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
I think it was of R when he was being loving to the cat at the party last night - evidence!

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Both. But I don't have a wide circle of friends.

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
Never, I live in Australia, what is 'jelly' anyway, I'm pretty sure it's not the same as our jelly (which I think Americans call Jello).

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night?
Sleeping off the spins.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
OMG did I leave the camera outside overnight! (No I didn't thankfully.)

About Me

I'm a happy wifey to the Big Guy, a researcher, a worker, a mum and a step-mum. tBG and I started trying for a baby together in Feb 2008 (as soon as we got married) but we got diagnosed with secondary infertility in Jan 2009 and I got hit with a premature peri-menopause diagnosis in early 2010. We did 5 IVF cycles between May 09 and June 10. None of them worked. Full blown menopause at 42. Oh, and I'm also in the process of finishing my PhD. Unsurprisingly, my head is way too full so some of the dross is spilling out here.
pundelina AT Hotmail DOT com
PS. It was 4 years between the premature menopause diagnosis and hitting post-menopause. Whoa.