A Penis Just Can't Get a Break These Days

Dear Dategirl,Having just read your column on vagina pain [June 3], I was moved to relay my experience with wounded-willy syndrome. Four years ago, my penis's erectile tissue was ruptured during sex with my then-girlfriend. I didn't realize what had happened, and I refrained from sex because of painful erections. It took a year for the pain to subside, and as I allowed myself to have erections again, I realized something more had happened: Scar tissue is now causing my erections to take on an interesting curve. I have learned that had I gone to a doctor soon after incurring my injury, I could've minimized that. I have yet to learn what effect this curve is going to have on my sex life.—Wounded Willy

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I know I promised to write about painful penises at the end of that column, but the truth is I was kind of lying. Well, maybe not lying so much as overpromising, because I was at a loss as to how I'd broach the topic. But then suddenly your letter arrived, and on the same day news reports are engorged with stories of cocks gone wild.There's the upstate–New York ex-con suing his prison infirmary because the nurse refused to help him deflate his erection—a side effect of upping his dosage of antipsychotics. The nurse told him to put an ice pack on his turgid johnson and sent him packing. The two-day wood caused severe damage, and now he can't even ejaculate anymore. Worst of all, he needs a penile prosthesis, and his marriage is in trouble. And did I mention he's a presumably psychotic ex-con?Then there's the report I saw in Newsweek about a dance that's sweeping Jamaica called "daggering." No, it's not some kind of knife-fight fandango; this charming two-step involves a dude with a hard-on "stabbing" it at a woman's body. Not into any orifices—just sort of a fully clothed dry-hump with a rigid twist. And what works on the dance floor must be doubly great in the bedroom, right? Wrong: Jamaican doctors report that the number of penis fractures have tripled since daggering became popular.A penis just can't get a break these days!Oh, wait, yes, it can. What we're talking about was popularized by Grey's Anatomy this season. Apparently one of the doctors snapped his member during an illicit tryst, sparking men all over the world to Google "penile fracture" and "broken penis" in record numbers.Rest assured, this is a rare occurrence that mainly pops up among young, lusty studs, when an overzealous thrust misses its mark, meeting an immovable object instead of a welcoming vagina. The result is a "popping" or "snapping" sound, accompanied by extreme pain. The technical definition, according to netdoctor.uk, is a "tear in the tunica albuginea, the thick fibrous coat surrounding the corpora cavernosum tissue that produces an erection." According to ABCNews.com, these injuries are most likely to occur when the woman is on top and excitedly misjudges her target landing area, or when she's perched on a hard surface and the dude hits the counter, desk, or park bench instead. Oof!As our letter-writer noted, doctors advise you to seek treatment immediately if this happens. It is far better to risk the potential embarrassment, because the result can be a permanent deformity, erectile dysfunction, or chronic pain.As for you, Wounded Willy, I'm really sorry you had to go through this. Don't worry too much about the bend in the road—every penis looks different, and depending on which direction it's headed, it can even be an asset. (Hint: G-spot!)dategirl@seattleweekly.com