Definitions of Addiction

In my opinion, the chief sources of the discrepancy are the conflicting definitions of addiction. What does it mean to use porn “compulsively” or “regularly”? For some folks, “addictive” use of porn might be once a month, once a week, once a day, or many hours in a day. Others would measure addictive use by how much it disturbs their lives: has it cost them money or significant relationships? For the most part, surveys are not standardized around specific definitions or descriptions.

For instance, take the survey results published in the Porn University survey:

42% of men (7,065) said that they “regularly” visit sexually explicit websites or chat rooms, read sexually explicit magazines, or romance novels.

Yet 64% of men (10,622) said that they spend at least some time each week online for sexual purposes. About one in five of these said they spend 5 or more hours every week.

Furthermore, 19% of men (3,187) said they feel “controlled” by their sexual desires or fantasies of romance.

Clearly, what is considered “regular” use of pornography, or being “controlled” by it, are not the same across the board.

So what makes someone feel “out of control”? One contributing factor that psychologists give is religion. Pioneering sex therapist Michael Quadland has studied those who feel “out of control” with their sexual behavior. He found the patient’s and therapist’s beliefs about what is sexually “normal” the biggest controlling factor in whether the behavior is deemed compulsive or destructive.

So if a Christian’s value system leads him or her to believe that any sexual gratification outside of marital intimacy is wrong, then any amount of compulsion to look at porn could be deemed “out of control.”

Christians and Addiction Language

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders doesn’t use the word “addiction” for anything—not drugs, alcohol, nor any behavior. The language of addiction is largely shaped by culture—not medicine. Christian counselor Ed Welch explains:

“In popular use, addiction has become a very elastic and ambiguous category that contains everything from the frivolous (added to the six o’clock news) to the grave (addicted to alcohol). It also includes the unequally yoked categories of disease and sin. Given its ambiguities, there is a growing sentiment that we need a different word” (Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave, p.11).

On top of these cultural ambiguities, addiction language in Christian community is also shaped by sin language. A year ago I heard Ed Welch give a talk at a conference in Philadelphia entitled, “Addiction, Temptation, & Voluntary Slavery.” He spoke about how so often the “Big Book” used by AA members seems so much more alive to them than the words of the Bible. Why? One reason is the Big Book uses “addiction” language. The Bible does not.

The recovering alcoholic needs to understand the language of the Bible. The Bible doesn’t talk of “addiction,” but rather “slavery to sin.” The Bible doesn’t speak of the root of habitual sin as merely a “disease,” but as “idolatry.” Once these categories are understood, many portions of Scripture can and do come to life for the struggling addict.

Biblical language levels the playing field between the so-called addict and the non-addict. The Bible speaks of a slavery to sin that has affected the whole human race. For the addict, this slavery has impacted his or her life in a particular, more demonstrative way; in fact, the conference in Philadelphia was called “The Addict in Us All,” to highlight this very point: we are all addicted to self, addicted to sin, and as Christians we are all being redeemed from that life of sin-slavery.

Do Christians and Pornography Mix? Are Christians More Prone to Porn Addiction?

Definitional differences aside, could it be that Christians actually have a more difficult time battling addictions? I am not aware of any studies or surveys that suggest this, but there are at least two “theological” factors at work in Christian communities that might serve to escalate addiction:

Being raised in Christian community, I know that teaching a high moral standard didn’t make me want to sin less: rather, I wanted to sin more. The apostle Paul wrote, “[I]f it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, ‘You shall not covet.’ But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness” (Romans 7:7-8).

This is the hot stove principle: Tell a child not to touch the hot stove, and the forbidden act suddenly seems all the more attractive; the biblical motto of the harlot reiterates this conceit: “Stolen water is sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant” (Proverbs 9:17).

In a real sense, those who embrace Christian values can find pornography all the more appealing merely because it is demonstrably forbidden by their commitment to God.

2. Failing at higher standards makes sin all the more novel and intoxicating.

We are wired to love novelty—it is an essential part of our development. When we encounter a new experience, our bodies release an extra dose of pleasure-producing chemicals, a mechanism which encourages us to experience and explore new things.

For me, the draw of pornography was largely a draw to novelty. Pornography, especially Internet pornography, keeps us coming back for more because it promises a veritably endless source of sexual novelty. Each new picture or video clip promises a new sensation. This is why porn-addicted men don’t simply log on, quickly find one appealing image, and gratify themselves. We keep searching. We can spend hours online. Why? Because it’s not about the climax; it’s about the search, the options, and each one is a novel sexual escapade. This desire for novelty is also the reason why we move from less graphic to more graphic pornography over time: the downward spiral is fed by a desire for novelty.

For the Christian who engages in pornography, typically there are added dimensions of guilt and paranoia. These have a way of compounding the novelty of each experience. This leaves a deeper emotional rut in the mind, as it were. Over time, guilt can become chronic—even a way of life. The guilt can become an essential ingredient to the addiction. There came a time in my life when feeling guilty was the only way I could feel normal.

So, What is the Answer?

At first glance it would seem the conservative standards are the problem: get rid of the rigid moral code and the rest goes away, right? But when we seek to rid ourselves of Christian morals for the sake of keeping addiction at bay, we are playing fast and lose with theology. Christian morality is not merely an idea about how to live; it is based on real history—the belief that the Creator of heaven and earth has actually revealed Himself in human history. We desire to follow biblical morals because we are convinced that Jesus is the Christ, the revelation of God.

No. Instead of discarding our morals, we need to embrace the One who gave them:

1. Teaching higher standards should point people towards their need for a new heart.

The goal of teaching Christian sexual ethics is not encouraging people to “try harder.” Merely highlighting the hotness of the stove is not the point. To know better is not necessarily to do better. Instead, recognizing our inward pull towards rebellion, we are to be driven to a place of utter neediness: I cannot change myself.

When I was entrenched in addiction, I knew that acknowledging my depravity was par for the Christian course, but something in me always wanted to “graduate” from that place of utter neediness. I sincerely believed that spiritual growth meant moving from spiritual poverty to self-sufficiency. I never would have said it that way, but that was my attitude.

But the great promise of Scripture is not that our “flesh” will get better, but that God can bring about great internal change despite our rebellious nature. He does so, not by enforcing an external code of conduct, but by implanting a new internal drive in His people, what the Bible calls a “new heart.”

Just as sure as pornography stirs up lustful cravings in us, the Holy Spirit is a source of new, holy cravings. Romans 8 tells us all true Christians have the Spirit of Christ within them (v.9). Galatians 5 says we are given the “desires of the Spirit” (v.17), and when we keep in step with these desires (v.16) the lusts of the flesh (leading to sexual immorality, impurity, and sensuality) will not have their way in us.

This is what the old Scottish minister Thomas Chalmers called “the expulsive power of a new affection.” Laws, rules, and regulations can only tell us what is bad and why it is bad, but they do not change our desire for sinful things. These sinful longings can only be conquered by implanting new “affections,” new cravings, that counter our sinful cravings. This is what the Spirit does in us: He shares His own desires with us, changing us from the inside out. (Your Brain on Porn)

2. Failing at higher standards should drive us to the cross.

The addict often finds himself in a cycle of abstinence, temptation, sin, guilt, penance, and back to abstinence. How do we break the cycle?

As we have seen, guilt is a big part of the addiction cycle. Guilt is that feeling of self-reproach, the feeling that one is culpable for some offense. When we feel guilt we desire absolution and reconciliation. Out of this longing, just like the pagan religions of old, we invent modes of penance that sooth our consciences: rituals that we hope will make us feel right with the powers of the universe again. We try to “get clean” by doing something good, to “make up” for the moral lapse. For some Christians, it is renewing a commitment to more prayer, more activity in the church, or donating more time or money to some worthy cause. For others, it is merely time: an extended track record of victory. For me, it was the emotion of worthlessness—a sort of mental flagellation; long hours of beating my heart to a bloody pulp. These are modes of penance that we hope will fuel greater obedience in the future.

This is where a proper understanding of the cross is critical. Yes, my sin means I deserve the lowest hell. But (in love) Christ experienced my hell on the cross. He experienced the agony of God-forsakenness, the curse of my sin. The Father channeled His just wrath for my sin into His Son. The cross is God’s altar to fully extinguish His anger, and, as a result, I am fully pardoned.

Furthermore, to prove Christ’s sacrifice was not in vain, God raised Jesus from the dead three days later. Weeks after this, His disciples saw Him ascend into the heavens, and there, we are told, He entered the holiest place of heaven. He poured out His Spirit on His people, and by His Spirit He can “purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God” (Hebrews 9:14).

Knowing this, we should denounce all systems of penance as shallow cross-replacements. Knowing that my condemnation has been taken away, this grace from God breaks the cycle. Instead of guilt moving me to penance, guilt can, rather, move me to confession and praise. Instead of penance moving me to hollow abstinence, I am, rather, moved by real worship to experience a higher pleasure of God’s friendship.

Your Brain on Porn

Watching just 5 hours of porn has been proven to
significantly change people's sexual beliefs and
attitudes. Find out 5 distinct ways that porn warps
your brain, as well as 5 biblical ways to renew your
mind and find freedom.

85 thoughts on “Why are so many Christians addicted to porn?”

Stop it, Luke! Stop putting out such good blogs! I must now link to this one on our blog.

I also think that the Christian community is very condemning of sexual sins and hush hush. We model to our communities our condemnation by not talking about it.

Many ministers are ill-educated in helping people in sexual sin. They say something is wrong with you if you do this. They say you are not the Christian you need to be. Very behavioral-based.

These attitudes add to the gap between my struggle and God’s standard. I am led to believe that I am abnormal, when in fact I share a common struggle. I become afraid to share further struggles and spiral deeper.

Non-Christian communities talk with more liberality about sexual things. They are not taboo subjects, they are often encouraged. Popular culture teaches that being sexual is the “normal” thing and provides the “condom” message for having sex “the right” way.

Good job prayer. over 70% of Christians watch porn and 50% of ministers watch porn. (This doesn’t even include lusting.) It doesn’t stop until age sets in. Either heaven will be empty or, full of ex perverts.

Pastor Dave’s advice to the addicted
One of the hardest things for a man to do in any situation is to admit we’ve done something wrong.
Porn is the Secret Killer, It delights in staying in the Dark.

Seems that no matter how many times i have blown it my family still loves me!
I have also come to believe one of the greatest family building ties you can make is when you humbly stand in front of your wife and kids, and say “I have blown it, I cant say I won’t do it again, but will you please pray for me and help me through this thing that is secretly killing me and my marriage.”

Now this is the hard part, her reaction.What do you do when she reacts in anger? When she reacts in fear? When she yells “how can I ever trust you again”? When she kicks you out? Your character has already proven you unworthy of trust, now what?This is your greatest moment, all of heaven is breathlessly watching your reaction…..

Now what?…
You earn her trust even though it might seem like you’ll never get it. You do your best to prove to her there is nothing to fear. Seek counsel from a Pastor even though most he might look at you like you have the plague, and would never admit they struggle with some of the same temptations? And finally, Yes, the right thing to do is admit you have sinned to your wife. No matter the reaction, and confess your sin to a close and “godly” brother in the Lord, if not Satan will continue to pull you down until you make the trade….

Make the trade?….
Most men would rather trade their family, job, ministry and close friends for porn!Hard to believe? It happens everyday….. and counting.Dont let Pride and the fear of getting caught steal your life, family, and all that God wants to bless you with.Suggested reading: the book of Hosea found in the Bible. Let the healing begin.

By the way I know its not as easy as 1. 2. 3. But just take the first 3 steps:
1. Confess
2. Take your thoughts captive.
3. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind….. and always trust the Lord
……..Pastor Dave Hallahan

Excellent Post, I read an article on Pornography and I wanted to pray for the addicted Christians. I searched for some numbers or % of addicted people and I came to your site. The solution you gave is the exact one that was in my heart. We are pigs by nature, we cannot be controlled by behavioural classes. Instead we need to seek for a change from this Pig nature to a nature of Cat that keeps itself clearn all the time. It is not a behaviour change but a change in nature (heart). God has blessed us with every spiritual weapon that we need to attain his divine nature and escape the lusts of this flesh (2 Peter 1 -4).

What made me feel a ton better, is how every detail you mentioned described my situation exactly, everything I was feeling and everything I was going through. I felt like the only “bad” Christian who was suffering – but just because someone else could describe it that dead on, let me know that I’m not alone – someone else understands. Thank you

I dislike the fact that pornography is so often pushed under the rug, when in reality it’s an issue that affects every man with Internet access. I loved how true this was, we just need to remember to carry the cross and die daily.

I wanted to find out how big porn is with Christians when I came to this blog. The one thing sexual-sin-issues do for the child of God is to isolate that person, not so much because of how horrible it is (all sin is horrible), but because Christians to day are ‘taught’ by ‘church culture’. The same exclusivist teaching teaches against children of God who have been divorced (against their will), and also the single Christian: they are excluded from service in the body of Christ by church leadership and mob-belief church-goers. I imagine this would be one reason so many Christians get hooked into porn: ‘church’ condemnation and loneliness. Your scriptural dealing with this problem ( I have been sinking deeper and deeper into hard core porn I wanted to commit suicide as my only way of escape) confirmed what, in my darkest hour God in some undefinable way, showed me: IT IS THE PERSON OF CHRIST JESUS I NEED, not more determined effort. As we say in my country, “Ahsante” – or, Thank you, and God bless you for ever.

I think the church has serious problems Scripture says, if a person is filled with the Spirit, there is no lust. Christians are not reading the Bible. I fear that as time goes on, the percentage will wax worse and worse. To bread the this, start reading God’s work, and no porn for 21 days, and pray about it and usually a habbit can be broken in 21 days, but, God’s Word must be also read.

There will be more people in hell cuase of sex more thin any other sin and where there is no repentance.

Hello Leah, Like you I have struggled with porn since my father introduced me to it as a 10 year old boy! I struggle every day. I like sex a lot but it only seem to be porn that I look at, I would like to meet someone who knows what this is like so that we can help each other in our problem, I feel that if that person can learn to love me as you also need someone to love maybe it would help us become free, And with a loving and caring church I know it would work. If you would like to chat, please let me know ok. God Bless someone who understands you XXX

I am a woman who has struggled with sexual sin since a child. I asked my aunt for prayer every day to fight porn temptation. It didn’t work. I also joined a free online website that promotes purity. That didn’t work. Now my life is destroyed.

This is very inspiring thanks for posting. I have been struggling with porn addiction for about 9 months now. It began as a way for me to escape problems and now I feel like I can never really be free from it. I continually go through that cycle you mentioned above and I really do want it to end. I feel like there’s nothing I can do, and as a result I have given up on trying.

Hello sir I read post and I can say that it is well much of a wake up call I am a 14 and every non religious site I have been to says masturbation is healthy and normal PS i am a girl and sometimes even religious ones too. I have only told my cuz about my addiction but i feel like i should tell you also at times i feel worthless because of this and guilty to go to church thus driving me away so is it bad to look at God as a mighty discipliner? Or to even it out plz help

As I was reading this blog, I became one with Christ. What am I saying, I am saying that I opened up my heart to Him and repented of my sins. I am a woman, an Evangelist, and a Believer of God’s Holy Word; but I am having difficulty with pornography & masturbation! Not that pornography is holding me back, but I find myself infatuated by “false love, false hope, and false joy” between two or more people.

Although I know that God’s love is true and everlasting, I find myself wanting something that I am not supposed to have. I am an addict! I believe the root goes deeper then just being an addict. I have been rejected by other Believers of Christ, I have been rejected by some family members, friends, class mates; I have been physical abused, mentally abused, socially abused, emotionally abused, and I have allowed pornography to fill those “voids.” WOW! This is the first time I have ever been this open.

My desire is that God heals this addiction! I want to be healed. I want to be free…”for whom the Son sets free is free indeed.” I want my Savior to fill all of the voids in my heart. No excuses! Just truth!

I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind through Christ Jesus!

WOW!!! I have just watched porn right after quiet time with the Lord…..felt that dark gloomy guilt again, and came searching online. This is my first time posting on a blog, and im crying hoping freedom finds . I Love Jesus Christ My Lord with all my Heart, I know I Do….But these trips to Darkness makes me doubt that, like do I really Love God. I hate myself at times because I feel that Gods purpose is on hold in my Life. I see all these things mention by Luke in this Blog and im expecting change, not in Behavior But in Heart, the flesh nature don’t die, but God can create in me a Clean heart and Renew a right spirit within Me……I Thank God for you Luke and All who poured their heart out……I will pray for you guys

It seems like you’re filling up your need for porn with a religious addiction. Talking about Jesus with your buddies gives you an emotional charge, which will suffice for the porn. Still an addict, just getting your junk from another source.

Here’s why I think I am addicted to porn as a Christian. One its relatively easy to keep my reputation and still indulge in sexual sin. I can keep it secret in my own home and the addiction does not have clear cut consequences such as something like an eating addiction would. Secondly, its relatively manageable. I could look at porn and I wouldn’t have to do much to rearrange my life. I can fall out of obedience and step right back into obedience. I could try going out and having sex with women but that takes a lot of energy and commitment to a lifestyle. Because I’m in a terribly split of wanting to please God and my flesh, I don’t find myself running from God very long before I run back. Third, did I mention reputation? Which leads to the Fourth. As a Christian I usually assert my own self-reliance by the works of the law. Not just to god but to people. So porn is a pretty good choice for people who are self-righteous. One because you can sin and manage your reputation, but also it comes down to the inability to let God control my life. In religion, you do to get. So I feel spiritual restlessness (stress, loneliness, etc) and therefore I pray or do good works to not feel restlessness. I am the one who then controls the state of my being. As is with porn. I feel restlessness and use porn to not feel restless. I am the one who controls the state of my being. But I think true surrender is embracing the restlessness and circumstances in light of the character of God. I feel restless, and I trust God. He may comfort me, he may allow me to suffer. I can’t control what he wills. But I do know he’s good. Yet, he may allow me to suffer. I need to be at peace with that. We won’t be fully complete and satisfied until he returns and his new kingdom is established. This life will hurt. God asks us to bear it and trust him. God will be with us, he will give us his grace so we find rest and relevation, but it doesn’t happen on my command. He dispenses as he wills, And as he wills is certainly what is right because my comfort or satisfaction are not the center of the universe. He alone is. So we trust him in the momentary trial of suffering for his return. That’s a scary place to be, if your heart isn’t fully ready to trust him and you aren’t willing to get off the throne that is rightfully his.

Christians are addicted to porn. just like the rest of the population. Before the VCR/VHS you would have to go into a pretty bad neighborhood for porn, now internet porn comes to you, even if your not looking for it.

The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. Matthew 6 22

Im 37 years old attractive and fit, and never had a girlfriend despite years of prayer. I know that it is wrong but I refuse to feel guilty about looking at porn. I’ve had rejection when I was young so I never have had the confidence to approach women, the few interactions I have had with them where I thought I had the beginnings of a relationship, I’ve been(friendzoned) I’ve had deliverance ministry, played on worship teams, otherwise done the christian thing. I’m tired of praying without any answer so I refuse to feel guilty about watching porn. I am the closest Ive ever been to paying for sex. A relationship is unattainable for me,.

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind about this, Geoff. I’m not sure if you’re looking for someone to convince you otherwise, but I’ll give it a go.

First, you have done a great job diagnosing the issue: you have never had the confidence to approach women because you’ve learned (through experience) that relationships are risky and there is the possibility of rejection. So you rush to porn where you know you will experience at least some parody of intimacy. In this sense, you are right: porn is safe because it is predictable. Women in porn don’t turn you down.

Second, your admission that you are very close to paying for sex is a great indicator of where you are in your fixation on porn: it has whet you appetite for more. I pray it doesn’t come to this for you. Not only does this put you at incredible risk for health problems, it also makes you a contributor to the massive sex trade crisis in the world right now.

In a recent post I wrote called “6 Reasons Men and Women Are Drawn to Porn,” I talk about what drives us to the place of being hooked on porn. In your case, porn offers you relationship. You desire intimacy, but you don’t like its risks. You want to be close to others, but you don’t want to be vulnerable. You want a real relationship, but you want to be the one in control. Porn gives us the illusion of feeling “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship.

In contrast, the gospel of Christ offers you something far better. When we desire intimacy with others, but we fear the risk, we need to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over our relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships, even our failed ones, and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security digital sex.

You have a choice, Geoff. Pursue a real, godly relationship with a real woman, resting in a firm belief that God is in control despite any rejection you have ever felt or will ever feel. Or pursue porn because it is “safe.”

I know you refuse to feel guilty about this. I also know you’re smart enough to realize that you are angry at any God who would tell you porn is wrong when it is your one connection to any form of sexual intimacy and release. Believe me, I get it. I used to hate God because of this issue.

But give this some thought: Don’t trade your soul for pixels on a screen or fantasy sex with a hooker.

As a Christian I refuse to believe there isn’t hope and I may not be writing to you but someone else who reads this article so I’ll start by saying I’ve been where you’ve been and maybe worse and I say that because there was a point in my life where I didn’t want to commit suicide but I didn’t care if I died it may or may not have been due to pornography but it didn’t help it turns out I didn’t know Christ so if I had died I would have went to hell now I’m 18 and a Christian for at least three years I still struggle with porn addiction and in some instances it’s gotten worse but it’s still light years better as a Christian dealing with it then as a non christian I believe a breakthrough will happen and I will be free from this I need support though and have trouble opening up to people about this because I haven’t received any help from those I’ve opened up to but God is in control sometimes I feel like a hypocrite and I’ll never find a good woman to love but that is the flesh talking and we must crucify it daily Salvation is eternal and no one can pluck you or any one else out of Gods hand Jesus told the woman at the well neither do I condemn you go andsin no more first you are not condemned then you don’t sin not the other way around
Wow that was long winded but thanks for the article brother Luke and hope you reply

Thanks for sharing both your story and your convictions about this. First, let me say that your hope through this is critical. It is important to believe that God is bigger than this temptation, bigger than this sin, and He can conquer it. You seem to get that, and that is great.

Opening up to others about this is very important: don’t be afraid to do this. I understand your reservations, but remember that the church is one of God’s means of grace to transform us. He gives us redemptive relationships in the church to shape our character, and building a good accountability relationship could be the linchpin of your victory in this.

Think about who your watching. Most are extremely young ladies who are doing something because they have no self value and are desperate to make easy money. They are acting. A real relationship is nothing like what your watching.

Geoff. when looking for a girlfriend for a lover. you might think women reject you. but most women will use rejection as a tool too see just what you are really made of, as in just how bad do you want them?
you need to learn that most real and meaningful female relationships aren’t found with the click of a mouse! most women who are worth anything is not going too just jump right into bed with you! find Adult christian single group in your area, if you want intimacy? you will find the girl god want for you. she may not be the stuff you find with the click of a mouse, and then again, she might just surprise you! and just because she may not be the most gorgeous women on the planet. give her the chance, because she may just be a victim of the same rejection that you have been dealing with! with the same desire that you desire! the desire of being desired!

Before you even think about a real woman though, I’d suggest Christian counseling. No person should be subjected to entering into a relationship with someone who has issues with pornography. Seriously. It is very damaging to the point of suicide. So know that you need to deal with the issues before you even get a relationship. When we truly love it drives out sin. Psalms 33 says joyful is the man whose sin is forgiven. Joyful!! How often is anybody really joyful about that. Also I think about the woman who washed Jesus feet with her hair. Her love and devotion to Him overcame everything, pride, vanity the need for control. All the things we struggle with when we have lost our first love for him. Perfect love drives out fear!!

Hi, brothers and sisters in JESUS. Reading this article, I have been touched. I confess I’ve watched pornography. Nearly 20% of the time, I break free through prayer and 80% I give in to the feeling. I wouldn’t say I am addicted to porn…..or am I? I do not turn to it often…or do I? A couple of times a week…yeah, who am I kidding. I mean, when I am in a relationship with a healthy intimate life, I don’t watch them. I am in the process of divorce and intimacy was a part of this. She neglected me in the fullest, intimately and affectionately, but ended up cheating on me and Facebook’d 3 other men stating how bad she wanted them in the bedroom, had sex with one while we were separated, and sent nude photo’s to others. I did read their responses when she was away from her phone. Talk about a confidence collapser. My heart, at that moment, was stripped of its right to pulsate. That’s hard, man. She, also, was telling 2 others she loved them. I, then, felt I needed to turn to the Book of Hosea “a wife of harlotry” and I tried to stay as the LORD’s love to Israel. I cannot imagine GOD’s hurt in this book. I consulted family, preacher, and church members on the matter. It was becoming a regular that I would cry in church, I admit. Needless to say, I couldn’t do it and she wanted me gone for good because she said “I can’t be the Christian wife you need me to be.” (sex was included in that). I state this because I used porn in my marriage when I was neglected. Watching porn never made me feel better, on the contrary, porn seems to be a “domino effect” of negativity in my life, until I repented my “mental” fornication (Mt.5:27-28). Its not porn that starts in me….its what I go to when my thoughts are not enough. I will say this, that porn leads to more sins and will make you do things you normally wouldn’t do in a sober mind, if you embrace it. I am not sure what constitutes as “addiction” in the biblical sense. I am reminded of (Heb.10:26/ Jn.14:15) which beats me down, “O wretched man that I am!!” :( . I hate porn and I hate everything it stands for. Porn doesn’t “spice” up sex lives, it damages relationships, and creates an illusion that women will be this way in the room as to do anything you want to with them. You can’t approach women with that mindset. That’s why its a fantasy because not all women are into what’s being potrayed in porn. Some have limits. My X had plenty when we were intimate. I have watched porn debates with Christians and pornstars. I have watched testimonies from pornstars and hearing their confessions of abuse in the industry. I truly hate watching others whoring in front of a camera and saying its a “business” industry. Its degrading and embarassing. I can almost feel the evil that surrounds it and there is no love involved. Shame on me for knowing the power of Christ that has always delivered me and turning the flesh The Scriptures(Rom.8:7) says, “the carnal mind is at enmity with GOD.” I read my Bible, study the Scriptures, watch JESUS movies, and I go to church. However, the moment I have an urge, my flesh overcome my spirit, almost easily and quite shamefully. Please, pray for me as I will pray for the deliverance of you all. I, also, notice its hits me at night when I am alone at home. I work night shift and on my days off, so much time to think….”idle hands are the devil’s playground.”

Like stated above by some, I have no confidence to approach a lady, as so badly as I desire a woman with a heart of gold for GOD. All my relationships were women that didn’t care for GOD or didn’t acknowledged Him. I can’t blame anyone but myself for that. What I went though in these relationships with faithless women has my mind in a mix on how to be. I am like a dog that’s been hit with the paper, now try and pet me….I lower my head in confidence to be that missing link in a godly woman’s life. The one I am divorcing now says she loved GOD, but she did it with her lips, not her heart (Mt.15:8). The Bible says you will know a tree by its fruit (Mt.7:16, 20)…she never had any. GOD has NEVER failed me…..it is I who have failed GOD.

Lastly, (Lev.18:5-30) pretty much lays out the only person you are to see naked (in the sense) is your wife. And (Ps.101:3) states, “I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me.” This would place porn in that category. Thank you so much for allowing me to confess myself to you all (Jam.5:16) and I pray we all get back on our feet because what out eyes see should be of light (Mt.6:22-23). In closing, (Pro.3:5, 6) “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Amen

Most of the women have had abuse in their childhood and drug addiction. This is pretty common. Most are too young to understand what it is they are doing. Our society makes men think it’s okay to watch porn; its normal. “Men think about sex… Men can’t control their thoughts or actions… Men are just men… Men are visual… Men aren’t made to be monogamous… Etc.” the truth is 1 out of 3 women are sexually victimized before they become adults. If we keep telling men it’s okay to be men, to fantasize, to xyz, then that epidemic will never get any better. It’s good you are thinking about this the way you are. Just remember that whoring would never happen if there wasn’t such an enormous amount of abused women who think that love is sexual attention.

I ‘am’ stuggling with porn addiction and your article is helpful.. But, I want to ask u but something entirely different
I’ve been feeling down for some time now and books/articles suggest I’m depressed.. I’ve talked to God about it and all, but there’s not much change..
I know He loves me and “is” helping me, and I try to start each day with Him.. But minutes later finds me angry(sometimes for no reason) at my mom or dad or anyone and then I feel bad about that and then my whole day just spirals down.. I don’t know if u understand what I’m saying, but I just so desperately want to find joy, fEel the kind of assurance u have, know my life has some purpose….

Another possibility is that you might need a change of diet, environment, or even medication if there is a chemical imbalance in your body. I know some Christians are against these kind of changes for problems like depression, but there can be physical reasons for psychological states. It might be worth looking into physical/neurological causes. Of course, in the end, medicine or proper nutrition can help your body, but only One can help your soul. Seek His face during this time and lean on the best wisdom the body of Christ has to offer.

So I really appreciated annon comment from Dec 22, 2013. Thought it interesting in terms of timing, i.e so near our celebration of the”virgin birth” I love Jesus, and struggle with porn and other issues of sexuality, partially because of a very unhealthy upbringing in a non-practicing Roman-Catholic home, where I was sent to Roman Catholic school. I agree that sex is divine, but here is a challenge in our christian story; the christ came to be a human without being conceived the way he has made the rest of us to be concieved, i.e through sex. I find this hard and it may even suggest that somehow sex is bad. I think a mistake we make as christians is seperating the world and our lives into secular and sacred. All of what God has made is sacred; even the very disturbing people both victims and perpetrators in the pornography that so many have admitted to watching. For me one of the strength of this sight and blog is that christians are talking about something we usually don’t talk about and I think this will help all of us> I feel I have been blessed by the time I spent here. I confess that I came to the sight after porning, feeling bad and searching for non-christian help in dealing with porn. The other sights I’ve seen in the past that identified themselves as christian were much less honest or helpful in my opinion. Too fire and brimstoney, not nearly loving enough. May God’s unfailing love and grace continue to abide in you and all of us who travel this life knowing and growing closer to God and each other. I wonder if there is a sight like this for muslims or budhists?

I know most of Christian resources, so I’m not aware of what help there is for other religious individuals.

Thanks for sharing some of your story. I agree that there is sometimes a wrong message that gets communicated when the virginity of Mary is held in high esteem. Of course I believe Jesus was born of a virgin. But when people (such as priests or nuns or other clergy) give up the prospect of married life and sex, it is not because they deem sex as bad. It’s rather the opposite. Think of the tradition of Lent: if I hate onions and I decide to give up onions for Lent, you probably would think my sacrifice isn’t worth much. That’s because we only truly sacrifice the things that we think are really valuable. The same is true for those who living a life of singleness: their sacrifice is a testimony to the goodness and great value of sex, not its ugliness. It would not be a sacrifice unless it was deemed good in the first place.

What a wonderful forum for everyone, especially we christians to share our struggle. Let’s remember, we live in a world that became cursed when Adam and Eve fell away from God, before humans began wearing clothes. That’s where our struggle with porn began, so don’t crucify yourself into a state of suicidal depression. Christ already paid our debt for sins. Once we choose to live life by His instructions,
He promised to walk with us on a daily basis, as go through all the struggles of this imperfect life on planet earth. We must stay in communication with God through prayer, bible study, online community groups like this one, and off line live support. Churches are still having difficulty opening up and facing porn as a regular topic. Something that must be discussed and dealt with, not in a shameful way.
We will all be struggling with something until otil Jesus Christ returns to take us back to a life of perfection. God doesn’t threaten to disown us when we “fall off the wagon” and view porn. If maintaining our salvation in Christ Jesus was based on our efforts, we could never do it and God already knows this. That’s why the bible says Christ saves us alone, lest anyone boasts that it was from their own efforts. As human beings dealing with the biological urges God put in every living creature, to reproduce, we have to come together in prayer and support of each other. Pornography takes up a huge amount of time in everyone’s life, so we have to ask God to help direct us to loving support groups, like this one. Get involved with support groups out side your home. Just like A.A. meetings continue for the life of and alcoholic, we’ll all have to continue supporting each other through prayer, verbal & written communication and unconditional love. Not because we’re all “crazy”, but because we’re sexual beings in need of help to manage this powerful, beautiful amazing part of our lives called sexuality. Can’t spread much of the gospel to the world, if porn is taking up all the time. That’s the valuable resource satan is robbing from us. Love you all. We’re all a family here. God bless!

I read your blog and it is really useful,
I am a teenager and
i always try very hard to restrain from porn and masturbation,but sometimes my thoughts are overwhelming and i fall into the trap.
also when I am restraining from porn I try my level best not to look at thing that triggers the thoughts but mostly the problem is some of my friends who takes porn as a norm and casually talks about it .
when they see that I am not looking at girls in my class the wrong way they tell me that something is wrong with me and that i have no future with women (most of these are non Christians is that the problem??) this triggers some feeling and i fall back to porn .
what do i do??

I would explain to them why you don’t want to look at women that way. Tell them that lusting freely after women is neither manly nor honoring to them. They aren’t pieces of meat. They are people who deserve respect. Tell them God created them in his image, and that means not looking at them with lust in your heart. Manliness is not measured by what you take from women, it is measured by how you give in love to others. Tell them they can ridicule you all they want. You are going to treat women as sisters, not objects. You are preparing yourself for marriage to one woman, and the way you treat women now prepares you to treat her like a queen some day. And if they laugh at you, tell them you’re pretty sure girls would appreciate your perspective far more than theirs.

I’m 41 yrs old and this has been a problem my ENTIRE life. My parents would watch it on 8mm projectors on the wall and I remember the movies like I just saw them. But that was in 1976 and I was only 4. That’s how powerful this stuff is. I was encouraged to embrace this because I was his son and I’m not any better than he is or his father. I was molested by an older boy at a family members house (not related). My whole childhood was filled with this lifestyle in so much I couldn’t give that much time to writing it on here. On top of that my dad encouraged drinking and violence . I used to get a 4oz baby bottle of beer every now and then to stop me crying and sleep. So alcohol has been a constant battle also..
I can relate to every single comment left on here. I have spent years and years fighting Satan and the temptations to just “be myself” according to my upbringing. That would be the easy road sometimes and just go with it. I guess what I’m trying to say is just because we are believers and spend years praying and crying for redemption and help… we can’t give up just because we don’t see immediate results. We will overcome this and be stronger for it and be the light that someone else needs to overcome this also.
Two of my biggest hero’s are Jesus and Rocky Balboa. Jesus never gave up on us and Rocky never gave up the fight and I’m not gonna give up either. Its miserably difficult sometimes but at least its a good fight to fight.

I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I look forward to reading the resources given in the replies. I am a single Christian female, and while I have not watched graphic videos or hard-core pornography, I struggle very much with what I watch and look at on the internet. I was raised in a strict home, and didn’t struggle with any sexual sins until I was a young adult. I have always been very involved in church and serving as a volunteer, which makes it even more difficult to admit my need for help. I don’t want people to look at me differently. I pray that I find accountability, as it is very difficult to be honest with other Christians…even my family. I would love to find a woman who has worked through this struggle that could be a support during this time. While my sexual desire does not consume much of my time, when temptation comes I easily give in for the physical high, so I realize that I am a slave to sin. I trade one-ness with the spirit for a brief climax that I then feel guilty about. I know better, but as it was put, knowing better doesn’t always equate to doing better. I pray that I will do better and that I can turn from my sin and pursue the close relationship with Christ that I once had. Again, thank you. There aren’t enough places for women who have these sort of addictions to find resources.

In your church, I’d recommend finding one older woman and asking for her help and mentorship. It’s better to humble yourself to a select person or two sooner than to deal with an out-of-control issue in your church later. And an older woman will have dealt with her own issues throughout life (even if they’re not porn) and will have tough love tempered by grace.

I would have to say that this article was about the most realistic and closest thing I have read to the addiction. I am a repeating addict of porn. I have been embarrassed about it for a long time. I just wanted to send out this post to say that, “The devil is lying to you. That you are the only one that has this problem.”
I want to thank you for writing this article. It helped me to understand what has to be done. I would ask for continuous help to over come this. With your prayers and Gods help. Matthew 19:26, Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Thanks again and God Bless!!!

Thanks so much for this post. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years and we are planning to get married. A year before we started dating, he made his addiction to pornography public by telling his family and church members. Since then he has really grown emotionally and spiritually and he is a wonderful child of God. Since we started dating, he has fallen into temptation a few times, but from the beginning of our relationship he was honest with me about his past. Then last year he had an severe episode of depression and in the past three months he has fallen into temptation again. I do not know what to do or to say to him. I feel so angry and hurt. I feel that he knows that he is forgiven in Christ and that Christ has redeemed him, but he does not embrace it because he feels too ashamed and he thinks that he is too sinful to be forgiven. I want him to live a life that is fulfilled and in abundance. I just want a normal, loving relationship without pornography. Please help!

Hey Anne, I’m so glad you wrote! Wow, it sounds like you and your boyfriend both have dealt with this in a really healthy way so far. I’m really impressed with both of you. It’s admirable that he’s been so honest and open, and that he’s taken such responsibility for himself. You can see the growth and maturity that’s come out of that. His experience now, after a failure, is really common–those feelings of failure, and that he’s too sinful to be forgiven. As painful as this is, it’s an opportunity for him to find that God’s grace is always deeper still. The more grace we need, the more grace we find. And often, I think that our experience and our emotion takes a while to catch up with our cognitive knowledge. So he may “know” that he’s redeemed, but he’s struggling to “feel” it, in light of the reality of what’s happened. AND, if he is depressed, well it’s not too surprising that he can’t get his emotions to match the truth he knows. In fact, that’s one of the hallmarks of depression: stinkin’ thinkin’. Is he seeing a doctor? Because I’d always want to make sure that he’s getting the medical support he needs, as well as the spiritual support. (I’m a counselor, and I always want my clients to go to the doctor right away, to work on the medical side of the depression.)

I think it’s also very normal for us women to feel hurt and angry. I have to process through my own emotions about these things. So, I hope you’ve got loving, supportive people who can help you through it. Over time, I’ve found it’s become easier for me to reframe the behavior from “it’s an attack on me” (which I think is really normal to feel) to “it’s an attack on him.” What that means is that I have gotten better at being on the same team with him. I’ve gotten better at setting my hurt aside and listening to him. I’ve gotten better at empathizing with his pain, even though I am also in pain. In fact, the last episode he had, a couple of months ago, he felt worse about it than I did. Of course that’s 10 years down the road. And he’s not in a pit of constant use any more. It’s an occasional thing that happens, and we all pick ourselves up and love each other through it. I wish it never happened, and maybe somebody’s got a magic formula that works for them, but at our house, this is what we have, and this is how we deal with it.

So maybe this is not what you want to hear, but at least for me, it’s become a life that’s fulfilled and in abundance, normal, and loving, and we still have to deal with this sometimes. We’ve figured out how to do that. I just wrote a book about all that, and it’s at Amazon.

I think everybody does have to figure out what the boundaries are for themselves. It’s not easy! Here’s an article about what healthy boundaries in dating could look like. Even with the best boundaries, though, other people still make their choices and we still have pain. The fairy tale is just a fairy tale. Fortunately, God’s grace is bigger than all our bad choices and all of our pain.

Hi Kay, thanks so much for your reply! I am really grateful for the way that my boyfriend has been handling his addiction, with God’s help. As I have said, it only happened a few times in the time of our relationship, and I have also learned how to deal with his addiction as THE problem, and not him being the problem. Because we both are committed to our relationship, we have been dealing with this as a team. I just felt so disappointed the other night when it happened again. He has since August last year been seeing a psychiatrist who is very impressed with his progression in terms of the depression. He has to be on medication for at least 2 years. We have also been seeing a therapist together as a couple to talk about the depression as well as addiction. There is so much progress, it is just that sometimes it gets to me. But God is gracious and God has helped us through this. Our families and friends have also been supportive and we are grateful. Thanks so much for your advice and I will definitely look into the resources that you have suggested. Thanks so much!

Hey, I’m glad that helped. There’s nothing wrong with feeling how you feel about this. And often, I do think that there’s so much attention to the addiction that it’s easy for your feelings to get pushed aside. Your feelings are welcome here! Keep up the good work and let us know how we can help.

An amazing article. It’s so important for Christians to realise that they are not alone in their struggles. I would describe myself as an addict though, praise God, in recovery. The number of people you meet, once you start talking about this, who have struggled and are struggling in the church is amazing and terrifying. I really feel that if everyone who struggled stood up and worked together to end this plague on the church, we could see a true revival from God. Porn is one of the major things holding people back in their faith and it’s time for us to start being honest and turn away from what’s separating us from God. Thank you for a fascinating post.

I am die hard Christian i love God with all my soul before you judge me let me explain. You see as a child i was seen as weird the kid everyone thought was stupid . I suffred from a skin disease on my face i even prayed to God not to wake up i was angry and confused about why i was seen treated laughed at and judged the way i was. I am also a black youth who althohgh realizes this is not the civil rights movment am also very aware that no matter what the media protrays. I will never have the same oppertunity as others. God has been nothing but exceptional with me i became a very handsome young almost man ill be 21 soon. My intelligence is now widley regarded i was exposed to porn through my father very young and was amazed to say the least. When i found the dvd i remember thinking what on earth is that between her leggs? Anyway i have it all thanks to God i am adamant about telling people about christ. I share his love in the real world and virtual. I am often seen as a strong christian by family and friends. I dl smoke however. And will quit i feel enourmeous amounts of self guilt. From doing it. And the next morning i hype myself reminding myself God loves me and tell myself how i will go out and be a warrior for him which i do! But behind the scenes… that guilt that relization i have a girlfriend whom i love dearly but we are young and going through hard times all i know is she doesnt deserve this i ask God to help me i am deeply ashamed and embarrsed but i do confess my sins i have got better but i watch and masterbate ever 4 to 5 days at best ans its sickening. I am so blessed i am working towards everhthing i want and am faithful God will bless me with or without alot of money id be lying to you if i said im not slightly enjoying my strugle as a youth trying to seek comfortablity and a Godly life. I have had people i pray for feel the holy spirit but yet this darkness seeks to destroy not only my faith my relationship my peace of mind. Etc i know God is perfect and just and i am suffering the cost of my sins by it feeling like its harder to communciate with him. Yet he makes it apparently clear that although he is dissapointed and i will have to suffer for my immorality that this is not the case. I want help i know this will come to pass but i have many people that i need to share the word of jesus with and be a example for not just talk. And as i said before i do all except for this sin i have a strong influnce and am completley aware of it but it kills me inside for me to allow myself to keep doing this shit! Please help me i know that trials will never stop trying christians however i am SICK of this one i know this is a old thread but please help.!! If you dont reply or if anyone sees this do not give up keep your faith pray stay strong and determined please help it may be clear that i have a sound faith. However that is the problem i am not understanding how i could let such a vile sin bring me to this very gross low level please help me.

I just found this thread today and it’s a blessing from God. You’re not alone, just remember that. I’m trying to take ownership of my problem and also kill my pride. Loneliness and depression are my Achilles heels that lead to porn and masturbation sessions (and the subsequent feeling of being pathetic, disgusting, unwanted by God). You did the right thing by confessing yourself. I’ve been in tears today because this addiction constantly trips me up. The devil loves to exploit my poor self-image and fear of rejection, but I feel stronger after reading all of the comments today and reflecting upon what Christ truly offers us. Hang in there, keep fighting, and keep praying. I will pray for you, too.

God loves you I do too! :) I know this is a really tough trial to be in. it is for I am currently still in it :( but I smile and stay still to the fact that Even though I make this mistake again and again time after time. God’s love for me and his grace has grown more than I could ever imagine and deserve. one thing I want to emphasize is we are sinners but God loves us soooo much that he wants us to see his love even when we are sinning. even after you looked at porn or masturbated. I learned that focusing on his grace and letting go of controlling my thoughts and feelings of how angry I was and how I would over come this
freed me :) God was leading me :) I let him be in control in his hands were my feet and on his shoulders was my body I pray for you :) I pray for all of you! But know this that God loves you I can feel it! it is the.holy spirit telling me that all of you will be victorious!!! and will find true love :) and true love is his love! God Bless you have all helped me ;) more than you can imagine! We are all messengers, Warriors, and Lovers.of God we are jesus’s brother, we are the holy spirits mouth piece and we are God’s Children :) much love

Hello……MY name is sanjay
I’m 13 and I struggle with porn I look at sites and I still have the temotion I wonder why is temotion stronger thanot god bringing us on the right path I live with my nan for abouthe 5-6 years now my mom went to jail and my dad acts like he doesn’t care I just Wath porn for the enjoyment like how God said we should enjoy the feeling or sexy but I keep getting sucked into the xxx plz reply what I should do

Hello Sanjay, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. It is so, so hard to stop. It really won’t be easy to quit, especially on your own. Do you want to stop this addiction? It sounds like you do, and so I want to help. Can you find an adult you trust that you can talk to about this? Also – what are you using to watch the porn? If you tell me, I can maybe help you with steps to protect the device. I want to help!

Thankyou. I am the wife of someone addicted to porn. its hard for me to accept this and feel very hurt and rejected. this conversation has opened my eyes as to how hard this is for my husband, and how his addiction is because of a sinful world, not because I am not good enough. I feel now I can support him through this and realise he is not trying to hurt me. men struggle with sin just as much as anyone. I am not perfect either.

Hey there! It’s so important that you make sure YOU are getting support too. So many women will meet the criteria for PTSD in situations like this, yet receive no help as all the energy goes into supporting the husband. Find a counselor just for you who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Look into the online resource, Bloom, which has forums and classes for women in recovery. Whatever he chooses, make sure you choose good health! Peace to you, Kay

I don’t know what to do exactly. The Bible says if “you love God you obey His commandments” I can not claim to love the Lord with all my heart mind and strength if i am not willing to obey Him, that would be making God a liar. My problem is, I have an abundance of understanding from the Word, and I know what to do, but how to carry it out, I have not found how. I am in a place of realizing my need for a new heart, I do have desires for holiness, but they seem to be fading because i have fought this for so long. The only answer i keep coming back too, is to just keep praying and read my bible.

I have read so many articles, researched and researched and researched on freedom from this. But it all comes down to God, with out him nothing is possible. He is the only one who can bring lasting freedom. Romans 13-25 describes me perfectly. But then He thanks God through Jesus and goes on to describe freedom and no condemnation to those who walk according to the Spirit. But practically speaking how does one walk according to the Spirit???

I see my sinfulness, i see the righteous requirement of the law and why Christs death was necessary, i know not to be led by feelings but by faith, i know i know i know. But there is still this desire to do things completely opposite of Gods will. Often times, when i have gotten angry at God and just not even thought about holiness or the Lord, i have gone the longest with out “giving in”. Such a huge predicament, I want to live holy for God, but anytime i begin to spend time with Him my heart rebells almost instantly.

I truly am a wretched man (not self condemnation but seeing, myself in the light of the bible).

The only positive i have seen from this is that it has brought to light so many other areas of sin such as pride, deceit envy etc…But again all heart issues that I am not fit to fight. I am reminded of the psalmist who said “if you, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?”

I used to think guilt and feeling condemned was the only way to feel and if i didnt then God gave me over to my desires, so i would force my self to feel bad (penance as you stated) However God in all His mercy has taken that away and i realize any self effort against it is useless. “Worldly sorrow brings death, Godly sorrow produces repentance”.

His Grace is most definitely sufficient, but we still have to be trained by it. I just ma having a hard time finding out how to DO gods word and become like it. Finding that balance between self reliance and diligence to seek first the kingdom, because there is effort that is needed on our part right?? God doesn’t seek himself for us, God doesn’t repent for us?

So the only conclusion I have come to is this: That God will have mercy on whom He will have mercy and harden whom He will harden. He chooses His children before the foundation of the world because He is above all knows all He created time so He is outside of time. So He can see who will truly come to Him and who won’t. All I can do is trust is that if God has chosen me, then God is capable of doing what He says and will bring me out of this.

Only God knows the hearts of men, and only He can soften mine and bring me to lasting repentance. He says “You did not choose me, but i chose you” He draws us in, He is the author and finisher of our faith. I can’t force myself on God, by going to church, reading the bible, and listening to only christian music. none of that keeps me from going astray in my heart.

If you have any advice Luke please let me know. Honestly I am just not sure what other conclusions to draw, but maybe through a reply, a correction i need or deception i have given into can be given or brought to the light.