10 Movie Rockets More Kick-Ass Than The Fireworks You Saw Last Night

There’s nothing more American than cylindrical projectiles. After all – fireworks are loud, volatile, and smell like ash – much like us. While the whole exploding part is pretty gosh darn boss, really the true wonder comes from the pure act of launching something as goddamn far as we possibly can into the air. We like to know that we can conquer all three dimensions.

So in the spirit of good ol’ American propulsion lust, here are some of the more excellent tubes that movies have shot into the sky.

10. The Freedom and The Independence in Armageddon

It’s not that this movie is bad, just badly made. Like – the acting is fun, the plot is mindlessly acceptable, but the execution – the little things – that’s the suck right there. For example – the scene at the end when the nuke finally explodes the meteor – immediately following it and also right before it we are treated to shots of people around the world running for their lives and praying and then eventually celebrating, and no matter where they are it’s daytime. Just, daytime around the world. It’s such a ridiculous oversight, but sadly it’s one that we come to expect from Michael Bay at this point.

But whatever – the film also has a bunch of oil drillers launch into space and drive around in space buggies that are inexplicably armed with mini-guns. Because lord knows you need that in space. It’s still awesome – as is the two rockets that simultaneously launch side by side to save the day. Duel rocket launches may be horribly dangerous but they are still awesome to look at.

9. Totenkopf’s Ark in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Sky Captain should have been more popular. There are far worse movies out there that get a fan base, and had they kept making films in this style I think it would have been a blast. Not only is this the first ever film to be entirely shot on a green screen, but it was also a gorgeous justification of that process. They didn’t do it just to see if they could – they did it to put the actors in a moving piece of art. For this story, it worked. Also Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow already look computer animated to begin with, so that was a plus.

Also, sweet rocket. The film was so sci-fi retro that it would have been a shame not to feature a rocket ship at some point, and thankfully it came in the form of the finale scene as our heroes struggle to stop a doomsday ship from blasting into space after blasting the earth into oblivion. The whole ordeal is beautiful and ends with a bunch of animals parachuting from the sky, which is how every movie should try to end.

8. The Luna in Destination Moon

This film was the space film all those other hipster space films wish they could be – it had retro rocket ships way before it was considered cool, not to mention that the film outlines a plot surrounding a space race between the U.S. and soviets that leads to man’s arrival at the moon a full seven years before Sputnik and 19 years before we later managed to actually reach the moon. That’s how OG this film is.

One of the best moments is when they first launch, and instead of focusing on the ship’s journey into the heavens (possibly because of budget and technological limitations) the film stays on shots of the astronauts’ faces as they contort and pull back from the incredible amount of G forces that would occur during such a moment. Something about keeping the focus on the characters’ fear and discomfort makes the experience much more real than any model ship could during that scene. It’s a hip choice.

7. Dr. Evil’s moon ship in The Spy Who Shagged Me

Hehehe… dicks…

Like every joke in the Austin Powers series, you are no doubt shuttering at the very thought of it. These movies created a period of viral quoting so embarrassing that we’re still trying to recover today – they’re the Macarena of comedies. But of course there’s a reason for it – there’s no denying that the jokes in these films, when first heard, were funny. There’s nothing wrong with them, just like there’s nothing wrong with the Macarena until you can’t stop hearing it wherever you go. Hell, even the films themselves kept repeating their own jokes, and no matter how good a joke it might be – it will die with repetition.

But hey… it’s pretty funny that his ship looks like a big penis still. Maybe not for everyone, but there’s a reason that we’ve been drawing dicks on things since the cavemen times: they’re just hilarious to look at. Face it – they’re God’s joke.

6. Homer’s rockets in October Sky

West Virginian coal mining town, young boys in a coming-of-age story, main character named Homer, NASA, this film is as American as pooping your pants at the fair – and while the movie’s rockets don’t exactly have a red glare, most of them are definitely bursting in air. And sure – they are not the biggest rockets around, but it doesn’t matter; it’s a true American story that anybody at any age can relate to: elaborately blowing shit up as a child. I did it to my G.I. Joes growing up just like my father did it to his toy soldiers before me. Circle of life or something.

The film is set in the real town of Coalwood, with residents that appear to represent the struggles that most hard-working Americans go through to make it in a rapidly changing nation. However this would have been a lot more convincing if the entire town didn’t keep stopping everything to watch some kids fire a rocket. I mean – how bored is this town when the kid making it into a science fair is a massive crowd event?

David is a video editor, writer, and movie fanatic. After graduating from Full Sail University he now spends his days in Western Massachusetts working as a freelance article and sketch writer, as well as a comedy workshop moderator for Cracked.com. (Click Here to View David's work on Cracked.com) He enjoys over-analyzing movies, punk rock, and referring to himself in the third person.

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