Last weekend we celebrated Independence Day on both the 3rd and the 4th. Double celebration!! We had ribs and watched fireworks with some lovely family and friends on the 3rd, then spent all day Saturday at the beach with this fun crew. SUPER fun. It was overcast all day, which April didn’t like one bit, but I happened to love it. What’s better than being at the beach without any sun?!?! San Diego at its finest!

I have had a few ice cream cravings lately. Lucky for me, we had an ice cream social at work to celebrate the holiday weekend. A few days later, Glenn and I stopped by Baskin Robbins and I got a DOUBLE SCOOP. It was my 2nd time IN LIFE getting a double scoop. Glenn was shocked at that fact and promptly informed me that he “has been getting double scoops since he could walk.” Goofball. The double scoop was delicious, but it was a little intense. My body may or may not have had a negative reaction to all that lactose. Oopsie!

My beloved car, The Camry, hit 250,000 miles. I am pretty sure that in car years this is 250. Does that sound right? So my car is a dinosaur?

I LOVE my car. We have had some issues in the past, but we’ve worked through all of those and it has only cost a few limb’s worth of $$$ to get us to where we are today. I had the interior super-cleaned and Camry and I have made a commitment to stay together for at least another year, if not another 50, 000 miles. It’s going to be the perfect first car to take our baby around in, and I am so grateful to have it! 1999 Camry’s Forever!

Finally, HAVE YOU SEEN THESE?! I happened upon them while looking up prenatal yoga DVD’s on Amazon. You have got to be kidding me. There are not cuter shoes in this entire world. I just added them to my order.

I only have a couple of months of pregnancy left {!!!!!!!!!}, so I thought it would be fun to share some of the things I have been wearing and enjoying during this pregnancy. Before I go on, however, did I ever show you guys the Pinterest cake I attempted, which is how we told our parents the baby is a boy?? It did not turn out as cute as on Pinterest, HOWEVER, I still thought it was pretty clever.

Back to styling the bump.

At this point the most difficult things have been sleep and finding clothes that I both like and fit me well. I have wondered whether my belly itself is a little larger with this baby than it was with Branch. The rest of my body is virtually the same as during my last pregnancy, but I think because Branch was on the smaller side, my prego belly *might* get bigger this time, especially these last couple of months. We will see. I also realized that the last couple of months of my pregnancy with Branch were in the winter, whereas we are clearly nowhere near winter now… so I have had to basically buy myself an entirely new wardrobe.

I have found most of my maternity clothes at Target, A Pea In the Pod, and Anthropologie. No, Anthro does not sell maternity clothes, however everything there is super flowy so most of it works with “the bump”. A Pea In the Pod is INSANELY overpriced, but I do love it. Their clothes are just a million times cuter and more flattering on me than any other maternity shops I have been to, and I try to shop their sale rack when possible to make it at least within the realm of affordability. Target has great end-of-pregnancy dresses and shirts, in my opinion. Their stuff is a little too big for early pregnancy, but now that I am growing growing growing I find their dresses are very belly-flattering!

For working out, I haven’t purchased any maternity specific workout clothes. I already had a good amount of Lulu taking over my closet, so I have just been wearing all my same stuff from right before I got pregnant. The shorts don’t work anymore, but the pants, tanks, and sports bras are all still great. Stretchy material is my friend!!!!

Without further adieu, here are a few photos of outfits I have worn the past few months.

Yes that is a cover-up that says “Beach Bump”. I couldn’t resist!

This was about 2 months ago when my belly was still a little smaller!

As far as shoes are concerned, so far I have been able to wear all of my same shoes I wore before getting pregnant. Just this past week I noticed a little bit of swelling in my feet {I blame this INSANELY HOT and muggy weather San Diego is having!}, so I am sure I will have to say goodbye to some of my shoes shortly. I ordered my first pair of Tieks ballet flats, and am planning on wearing those almost daily until this child comes. So far I really like them and would say they are hands down the most supportive ballet flat I have ever worn. Highly recommend, especially for pregnant ladies who have to wear somewhat dressy shoes to work!

Finally, a word about jewelry. I know plenty of pregnant gals who do not have to stop wearing their wedding rings, even when hugely pregnant. I made it to about 7 months with no problems, but then my fingers started to swell up a little bit, and so I decided to say goodbye to my wedding rings for a few months. I didn’t like the idea of not wearing anything on my ring finger, so I found this simple gold band with crystals at Nordstrom! I love it, and it’s nice that I don’t have to worry about losing it or ruining it since it isn’t the “real deal”.

That’s all for today! Hope you enjoyed this fun little afternoon post.

Last month, we went to Hawaii! Glenn took me to Hawaii, if you really want to be exact. It wasn’t a surprise, but it was a gift. A generous one I might add. {!!!!!!! to say the least !!!!!!!!} We flew to the Big Island – a new island for us – the day before Mother’s Day. This year, Mother’s Day also happened to fall on the 10th of the month, which is always a more sensitive day for both Glenn and I, so it was extra special to get to be on a fancy-pants vacation together on such a tender holiday.

I came down with a horrible, horrible, horrible cold a few days before we left. Needless to say, flying with severe congestion is not exactly ideal.

We made it through the flight, however, and were SO glad to land in Kona!

Since this was our first time to the Big Island, we had a lot of fun exploring and finding our favorite spots. We stayed at the Mauna Lani Bay Hotel and LOVED it. We have heard about this place from our dear friends for years, and were thrilled to finally get to experience it ourselves. We felt like it was laid back and Hawaiian, but still quite nice. We explored several other resorts on the island and decided we would choose Mauna Lani again in a heartbeat, unless the Four Seasons somehow became an option. {ummm… hello. it likely will not. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$}

There were lots of spots to walk or bike on the property, and we had a blast doing both.

Our favorite restaurant was The Beach Tree, which is actually on the Four Seasons property. We went twice, once for lunch and once for dinner, and both were spectacular. Relaxed, delicious, fun, and gorgeous views — exactly the vibe we were looking for. At dinner they have live music, which is always such a treat!

This pictures was not taken at The Beach Tree, this is at The Canoe House, which was the restaurant on our hotel property which was also delicious, but not our favorite.

Our favorite beach was our beach at the Mauna Lani – the snorkeling was good {Glenn saw two turtles!!} and there is a nice calm bay so ocean wimps like me don’t have to fear for their lives.

The final thing I will share with you was our favorite adventure. This trip was more about the relaxing/vacationing than adventuring, but we both really wanted to see the volcano, since The Big Island is the only Hawaiian island that still has an ACTIVE volcano on it. You guys — it was soooooooooo cool! It is a serious drive from the resort areas to the volcano, but so worth it. We saw LAVA SPEW. Straight up. We smelled what the insides of the earth smell like as we walked through the steam vents. We trekked through rain forest and jumped over big puddles to get to a lava cave. We had dinner {and Glenn had a “lava flow” – how appropriate} overlooking, you guessed it, A LAVA POOL. It was really such a fun day, and the only part we didn’t like was driving 3 hours back to our part of the island at the end of the day. Still, totally worth it and something we would highly recommend to anyone visiting the Big Island that likes a little adventure!

Finally, we flew home on what felt like one of the longest, most boring, most drawn-out, and, quite frankly, worst flights ever. It became comical just how bad the service and entire experience on this flight was. I think you can see the attitude in our faces here. Alas, we were not on vacation anymore, but it was still good to get home!

So much fun was had! What a treat! I can’t get over just how special it was to get to go on this vacation last month — over Mother’s Day, pregnant with our second son, with lots of time and space to remember and talk about Branch, and lots of time and space to be silly and rest. SUCH a treasured time. Thank you for making it happen, Glenn! xoxoxo

June 10, 2015 - 9:07 pmCarol - I LOVE all of this. Except the bad flight home. So glad you got to enjoy this! Miss ya'll!

June 12, 2015 - 9:27 amErin =) - I agree-love it all! I can't decide if my fave pic is on the bikes (total Murdock pose, taking in all the life you can!), relaxing in the beach chairs (my blood pressure lowered just looking at it), that ADORABLE pregnant woman in the ocean or your flight-home-faces because they are equal parts hilarious and awful!

Since the title basically gave it away, it will come as no surprise to you when I say : I’m pregnant!

I’m a little over halfway there, five and a half months to be exact.

The baby is really healthy so far.

I am having a hard time sleeping (someone is practicing their jabs, kicks, and somersaults), and experiencing all sorts of those normal, but still brutal, pregnancy pains.

It’s a boy!

We are, truly, thrilled. {here I am this morning. bump can not be hidden any longer!}

Now, onto why I was resisting telling you, even though though I knew you would all be so excited to know.

Here’s the thing: words truly can not describe the gift we have been given. We have one perfect son that we had to say goodbye to, and now we will, barring some horrible unforeseen circumstance, have another perfect child that we will get to actually raise and watch grow up. But pregnancy, babies, parenting, children… these are very tender spots in our hearts.

We long for Branch to be here, welcoming this new baby with us. With every good thing that happens with this baby, we are reminded of all we lost when Branch died, and how our family will not be whole again until we are in Heaven. We want this child to grow up knowing his brother, and have ideas of how we will do that in our family, but right now — while we wait to meet him – interacting with others who are on the outside can be hard.

When people say “Congratulations!” I feel weird. I know it’s good that they are congratulating me, and I am so grateful they are, but something stirs in my soul and makes me sad, too. You see, people didn’t congratulate me when I was pregnant with Branch. Some of these same people who are congratulating me now actually avoided me while I was carrying Branch and in the months after. I do not hold this against them, I really don’t, because it makes perfect sense. We each have our own capacities, and many lovely people who love me, just could not carry any of the weight of my grief : and that’s ok. But in my heart, this spot is tender.

It is a reminder that my first baby, who is just as much my son as this baby is, carries much sadness with his story. It is a reminder that some people, even though they love me, can not talk about Branch — even now. It is a reminder that pregnancy is tough for us. I think it’s tough for everyone, or so I hear, but I know it is particularly tough for those who have lost. It is a reminder of just how long, an unimaginable amount of time if I am being honest, we will have to wait to hold Branch again.

I sent Glenn a text this morning, telling him I was working on a post about being pregnant and why I didn’t want to tell the word-wide-web. I told him I felt like it all sounded kind of negative. I loved his response:

“You lost a baby. That’s just reality. You have to work through the negative thoughts to get to the positives.”

So wise, that Glenn. He’s also very encouraging, and fights for spiritual and emotional health above all else – something many people do not do. Through everything we have been through in our lifetimes, and particularly the past couple of years with losing Branch, I am most grateful for God’s mercy and love that has been expressed so clearly and personally to each of us. I am second-most grateful for Glenn. I could write a whole book on how great he is. Maybe someday I will. Though I am not sure if many people are interested in reading how great someone else’s husband is. I guess I’ll find out.

I feel like this post is coming to a close. I have said enough for one day. Opened the box, bared some more of my soul, which I think is what you all have come to expect here. After getting this part out, maybe I will start blogging all pregnancy related thoughts. Buckle up, internet, we’re in for quite a ride. My current obsession is baby boy swim trunks. Could those things be any cuter?!?!

Much love to each and every one of you. The ones I know and the ones I don’t. The ones who have been nudging me to post and the ones who have told me to hold it sacredly. And a special dose of love to those of you who are held in a special part of my heart – those who are in the middle of a story of child loss, those who have buried their children, and those who are pregnant with healthy babies after hoping for one for so long. I see you. God sees you. We are so, so loved.

Psalm 86:15 “But You. LORD, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”

May 6, 2015 - 11:36 amAlexis - Congrats! That is great news! You're such a proud mama of TWO baby boys now. I posted this version of 1 Peter 1:6 on my computer yesterday: "...be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead."

May 6, 2015 - 1:58 pmJamie - Great post! Thank you for sharing it! Branch and baby #2 are both so blessed to have you and Glenn as parents. Hope to see you soon!! Our little ones can be friends. :)

May 6, 2015 - 2:29 pmLindsay - Oh Kristin, it warms my heart to know that another sweet boy will get to experience the love that you and Glenn have to give. I'm so thankful to know you. I'll be praying for all the change and emotion that comes with pregnancy and parenthood. You are surrounded by love, friend!

May 6, 2015 - 5:40 pmMichelle Stacy - Kristen I always love hearing your heart speak the truth, through grief and joy. You have become such a beautiful woman. Thank you for allowing me to see your heart in true honesty.
Michelle.

May 6, 2015 - 8:50 pmShannon - About people not wanting to talk about Branch or congratulate you for his birth, I didn't want anyone to come to the hospital for the birth of my rainbow if they didn't come for Aubrey's birth.

May 7, 2015 - 5:23 amDebby - I am in tears reading this, I am so happy for you!! An extra special Happy Mother's Day to you while you wait to meet your second son!!

May 7, 2015 - 9:56 amAlicia - You don't know me, but I am loyal follower of your blog. I teach Child Development and came across your blog on accident while searching mommy blogs. You and your husband's love for God, each other and your family warm my heart. I'm so excited for you during this time. Branch will never be forgotten and will make a huge impact on your new little guy....in ways you cannot even imagine! He is extremely lucky to have parents such as you two. I look forward to each post. I cried with many, but plan to cry with those coming- out of happiness. Please know you have people all over praying with and for your family! CONGRATS!!

May 13, 2015 - 9:41 amAnnette Z - OMG, I am so happy for you both. You are wonderful mom already and this will be proven. Congrats on baby #2, he is blessed as Branch was to have you as his mommy!

There has been a lot on my facebook feed in the past few months about suffering, about death with dignity, about loss, about illness, about all sorts of things that are big and scary. This week in particular there have been stories about Kara Tippetts. Have you read anything by or about her? It’s incredible. Her story touches me in an extra tender zone this week, as our dear friends are fighting a very similar battle with terminal cancer.

Ann Voskamp wrote a blog post in light of Kara’s passing that is profoundly good. Truly. It’s like God’s Spirit is speaking through every word. She talks about suffering, about the art of dying well, and, ultimately — about how walking through suffering and death is our opportunity to live well.

I love this.

It challenges and encourages every part of my soul. That suffering is, at the core, good. That God graciously allows us to live and die well, should we so choose. That eternity will be here in the blink of an eye, though it will seem long and drawn out for those waiting on Earth. Powerful, painful, encouraging, tender. Please read it.

May I willingly step into suffering deeper today, knowing God is there, and may He give me glimmers of what living well here on Earth looks like.

Much love,

Kristin

Job 36:15 “But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction.”

*side note from me — notice it does not say He delivers FROM their suffering… His goodness happens IN the suffering. so powerful and convicting!*

I spent the morning at Disneyland with my sister Kimberly a couple of weeks ago, which was super fun. I don’t get too many Disneyland trips in anymore, now that I am working full time, but spending a Saturday morning there was a blast. We had corn dogs, ice cream, and rode a couple of rides. The ideal day at the park, if you ask me.

Glenn and I finalized and officially ordered Branch’s headstone. You may recall us working on his headstone and thinking we were in the final stages months ago. It is honestly surprising how difficult that entire process was. I never would have guessed it would have taken us over a year to order it, but it did. I am glad to have the ordering finished, but am also grateful we took our time. I am sure it will be hard to see it in the ground once it is there, but I think it will also be nice in some ways — his name will be seen by all who walk by, and that is special in a way. I hope the gravestone will be a way that his legacy continues.

I feel like I do three things: work, walk, sleep. Maybe four things: I cook, too. My soul is in this strange spot, where grief is taking up less space, but is still taking up a good deal of my energy. I imagine this is a frustrating place when you are a friend of mine, or an acquaintance even. I sense a desire from some for me to return to my former self: the pre-grief Kristin they were used to. Honestly, I get it. I would probably feel the same way if I were them.

I try to show myself grace, to be gentle, to hold myself to no one’s expectations. It is hard, though. It is hard to disappoint friends. It is hard when relationships change. It is hard to be the only one in the room who has lost a child.

I went to a women’s event with some friends the other night. It was an enjoyable event and I was with safe people, and am so glad I was able to attend. As the evening began, we were all sitting in a circle, and the leader asked us to introduce ourselves by saying our name and how many children we have. This was a first for me, but I think I handled it ok. It was a small enough group that I didn’t feel the need to hide, but my heart was palpitating as it got closer to my turn. I said my name, and said that I have no living children but my son Branch passed away a little over a year ago. It was received well, as far as I could tell.

There is a new pair of jeans in my closet, and I am mildly obsessed with them. My favorite jeans (before these ones) were the Madewell high-riser skinny. This latest pair are the AG legging jean. They might as well be sweatpants, they are so comfortable and awesome. And yet, somehow they are significantly more flattering than sweats. I love them!

That seems like enough of an update for today! Maybe I will write again in a few days, but I guess we’ll just have to see.

Much love,

~Kristin

Isaiah 66:12-13

For this is what the LORD says: “I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.”

The first week of January, as we were still celebrating the Twelve Days of Christmas, I created a little space for myself to do something I hadn’t done in a year :: I gave myself space to dream.

At the beginning of last year, 2014, I remember feeling like hope, and any chance of happiness, died when Branch died. I felt as if all life were lost, and not just for a season, but forever. It seemed the only form of mercy would be God returning and ending my pain. For a full twelve months, maybe more, dreaming became something sweet, innocent, well-meaning friends did, or suggested I do. Dreams, for me, were impossible. In my inmost being, sometimes they still are.

At the beginning of this year, 2015, I found myself ready, waiting, wanting to dream again, even if just a little. And so, on January 4th, I sat on the leather chair in our living room, I used my colorful pens, I let the dreams flow — big and small. Here is what I came up with.

Have a healthy baby. Write on my blog every week. Re-design my blog. Run 3 miles in 30 minutes. Travel to Europe. Eat at The French Laundry.

Dreams are different than goals. Dreams don’t need check-lists or priorities. Dreams don’t even need to happen. They are simply dreams. A picture of what the future could be, without any hidden agenda or judgement. Dreams.

May God’s grace be sufficient for you today, whether you are able to dream or if the dreaming will just have to wait. You and I are so very loved.

~Kristin

Romans 8:32 “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”

I wrote this last week, on December 14th (hence the title), and read it at an annual event The Elizabeth Hospice puts together called Light Up A Life. We were so honored to have been asked to speak at Light Up A Life, and to share a little bit more about Branch. I could sing The Elizabeth Hospice’s praises for hours on end … truly. I can not imagine better people exist in the world than the people who work with The Elizabeth Hospice.

I decided to post this piece today, Christmas Eve, because it sums up how we feel this week, too. Christmas is a tender time. All holidays are, really, but Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, which makes it particularly bittersweet now. I have had to work hard at reminding myself of God’s love for me, of how He sees me, that He knows me, and how He welcomes my sorrow with open arms.

I hope you enjoy this little writing. Merry Christmas, friends. xoxo

I feel sad.

I have felt sad every day in 2014.

Every night — every single night — as the lights turn out, I turn to Glenn and tell him how much I miss our baby. Every night — every single night — he squeezes me tight and tells me that he knows. Because he misses our boy every day, too.

As many of you know, Branch died on December 10th, 2013. Just over a year ago. Now that his first birthday and the first anniversary of his death are over, part of me feels victorious. We did it. We are alive. We got out of bed, at least for a few moments, every day for the past 365 days. We still laugh a lot. Even now.

Today, though, most of me feels sad.

2014 has been really hard.

Wouldn’t it be great if I could tell you that now, a year later, things are just hunky-dory and we are totally fine, we don’t have a care in the world, and we never have trouble relating to anyone and yes, even though I buried my son, I am definitely making every meal at home and working out constantly.

The truth is that, a year after death, I find comfort in the Jack in the Box drive-through. I go on walks, and sometimes I run. I feel lonely all the time. I am just barely beginning to breathe again.

And I guess, in some ways, that is comforting. Because we ARE doing it. We ARE breathing again. We are taking it slow. We are welcoming the pain, the loneliness, the sorrow, and the joy.

We grieve because we love. And my love for Branch, which is the one thing that is so sacred it is impossible to describe, will never die.

It IS his first birthday still, but we don’t get to celebrate with him in the flesh. Obviously.

I have watched a few one year olds grow over this past year. They are all so funny, so spunky, so silly, so full of life. I think a one year old would be pretty fun.

If Branch were still here, I probably would have spent less money on myself, but a lot more money on him. I would be up to my elbows in diapers and drool. I would be thinking it was a real tragedy how little sleep I was getting. I would be wondering if we were out-growing our little home. I would be frustrated that the baby weight hadn’t just “fallen off”. I would watch him grow every day and be fascinated by his little face discovering things for the first time.

When I think about this past year, it is almost a blur. Some of it went by quickly, especially the last few months. Some of it went by painfully slow. It was so painful, actually, that it is almost hard to remember just how bad it was. As we enter into this season and are now only 7 days away from the anniversary of Branch’s death, some of the fog is lifting and we are starting to remember a few details from the early weeks. Many of the details are happy, others are just really sad.

Life and death, so close together.

December 3rd, 2013, the day Branch Lionheart Murdock was born, is the day that made me a Mom. What a wonderful joy it was to meet him face to face. His cheeks were soft, his legs were long, and he snuggled like nobody’s business. I am so grateful for him. Even in the pain. What a treasured life he is.

Happy Birthday, baby Branch. I can’t wait to see you again. I hope me and your Daddy do a good job celebrating and remembering you today. We love you to the moon and back.

My prayer for today is that Branch is honored, that his life is validated, and that Glenn and I can show ourselves kindness and grace as we step out into the world in all of our woundedness. May God’s face shine on us, and on you, this December 3rd.

Revelation 21:3-5

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

All my love, and a special dose of love to those of you who have buried your babies, too. We see you.

December 4, 2014 - 9:32 amMaggie Nunnelly Ginn - Happy Birthday, Branch and Happy BIRTHday to you, Mama! I think of Branch often. There are other things that my heart wants to say but it doesn't sound so great typed out. Thinking of you guys often.

December 6, 2014 - 11:54 pmDede Winkfield - Glenn and Kristin, It was so good to get to meet you, Branch's Mom and Dad. I felt like I had known you forever. What a joy it was for me to have the opportunity to give you two very brave, and loving parents of Branch a HUG! Thank you for letting me share a little bit of Branch. You are all close in my herat and in my prayers. Happy Birthday Branch, celebrating your MIRACLE week! Love, Auntie Dede

December 9, 2014 - 9:00 pmJamie Roach - Happy Birthday Branch. Kristin- thank you for being so open that we may walk with you on this journey of "woundedness". You and Glenn are steadily in my prayers. Love to you and looking forward to seeing you soon.