How much do I owe my father/kids grandfather?

Rachel - posted on 04/18/2012
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My biological father and I have been estranged on and off, since my patents divorce. My mom remarried to a wonderful man, and I married a wonderful man, whose father is also a great influence for my kids. The estrangement with my father was his doing in the beginning. He would cycle between needing me, to disowning me (he's very depressed). Finally seven years ago, I tried to cut all ties. I feel it was a kindness, as his relationship with me could only be classified as an obsession. Periodically, he'll try to make contact again. I dont wish to see him, but I feel guilty. He wants to come see me when he is in town next month. He has gifts for the kids. I don't want or need him in my life. Which is less cruel-letting him come, and leading him on? Or maintaining my estrangement to curb his obsession with me? Obsession sounds like a callous word, but he truly is too mentally ill to call his affections love. They have more in common witj the rantings of a stalker. What do I do?

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â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 04/18/2012

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That would be entirely up to you. On the one hand, he is trying to be courteous by requesting a visit, and not just showing up. On the other, if you truly have no feelings for him, then why allow him to return to your life?

If it were me, I'd meet him with the kids in a public place, limit the time, and firmly tell him that you appreciate his visit. Then ask if he's gotten treated for his problems. If he hasn't then firmly tell him that until he is in treatment, you will not allow visitation.

If you're not completely honest with him, he'll keep contacting you. But, if you set limits, then you can have an "out" if he becomes overwhelming.