The 12 Pains of HR - A Holiday Poem

The first thing in HR that’s such a pain to me are the audits and penalties.

Thesecond thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Finding new hires
And the audits and penalties

The third thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Trying to retain talent
Finding new hires
And the audits and penalties

The fourth thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Dealing with the employees
Trying to retain talent
Finding new hires
And the audits and penalties

The fifth thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Piles of unfiled paperwork
Dealing with the employees
Trying to retain talent
Finding new hires
And the audits and penalties

The sixth thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Managing turnover
Piles of unfiled paperwork
Dealing with the employees (gritted teeth)Trying to retain talent
Finding new hires
And those audits and penalties

The seventh thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Employee Reviews
“The turnover”
Piles of unfiled paperwork
“That’s not what the photocopier is for…”
“Retaining quote “Talent”
“Is no one is qualified?”
And the audits and penalties

The eighth thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
End of year parties
“Reviews!”
“Turnover”
Piles of unfiled paperwork
“Well, that blouse is inappropriate!”
“No, you can’t have a corner office you’ve been here 2 months!”
“Has anyone heard of cover letters?”
And the audits and penalties

The ninth thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Changing Regulations
“Parties”
“Does anyone read these things?”
“How is turnover 50%??”
Piles of unfiled paperwork
“You should talk with your manager about that.”
“Yeah, but you don’t deserve a raise”
“Doesn’t anyone have a good resume??”
And the audits and penalties

The tenth thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Managing vacations
“Regulations”
“No, there will not be alcohol at the event”
“How is that person an ‘A’ player?”
“You’re quitting? Didn’t I just hire you?”
Piles of unfiled paperwork
“She said what?!?”
“No, you can’t work from home again.”
“You really shouldn’t lie on these things”
And the audits and penalties

The eleventh thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Benefits
“Vacations”
“That law changed again?”
“No! No holiday music allowed! We got complaints!”
“Ugh!”
“I’m going to turnover if this doesn’t stop!”
Piles of unfiled paperwork
“HR is not a babysitter!”
“A ping pong table? Are you serious?”
“Spell check people!”
And the audits and penalties

The twelfth thing in HR that’s such a pain to me...
Handbooks
“These are the best benefits we can get”
“No you won’t get paid if you take a month off”
“Oh these LAWS”
“No secret Santa please!”
“There are no goals in this review”
“If you’re leaving, we need your equipment back”
Piles of unfiled paperwork
“Oh, I haven’t heard that compliant before”
“I’m just going to give up!”
“Fine, you try to find someone for this job!”
And the audits and penalties