Doc Love: Keep Your Distance

Doc Love: Don't Scare Her Away

This week's question comes from a guy who has pushed too hard to early. Is it time to call it quits?

reader's question

Hey Doc,

I just began dating again after five and a half years of being out of the game. The reason for not dating is that I had two relationships in a row go down in flames and I was pretty disgusted for a long time.

I recently acquired “The System” and after reading your book it confirmed my suspicion that one of my problems is that I push too hard too early with women. My other problem is that I try to stay and “fix” relationships after it should be clear that there’s no hope.

My question is this: An acquaintance of mine — I’ll call her Tiffany —separated from her husband last year. Her divorce just became final last week. We went out casually though for a couple of months, but recently she began to push me away. I figured it might have something to do with all the turmoil of the divorce, so I backed off. I did make the mistake of listening to her problems and getting over-involved while I was trying to figure the situation out, but I finally disengaged from that.

mixed signals

Now I’m getting mixed signals from Tiffany. After reading “The System” I realized that I needed to keep some distance and I’ve done that. My thought is that I should stay distant until the dust settles and then consider making another attempt. I realize that dating a woman who just got separated was not a good idea; I don’t want to be the rebound guy or the transition guy — I’ve done that already and it didn’t turn out well.

Tiffany and I have lots of interests in common and generally compatible temperaments. Her ex was very type A, competitive and controlling, and she is very sensitive to any situation that makes her feel like I’m trying to run her life. So, is backing off the correct strategy in this case?

Thanks for any coaching you can give me.

Payn - who feels like he’s losing ground

doc love's answer

Hi Payn,

I’m sorry to hear about your past dating disasters. Let me explain something to you. Two things happen in a relationship: Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Either you break up, or worse, you get married.” Whoever gets out of the relationship first suffers less. So when you tell me that you went down in flames in your previous relationships, that indicates to me that you didn’t get rid of these girls — they got rid of you. So what a guy should do is look at all of his relationships over the past two or three years — all 10, 15 or 20 women he went out with — and ask himself how many he dropped and how many times he was dropped. If you dumped all those women, or 18 out of the 20, then you don’t need my coaching.

When it comes to women, pushing too hard too early is the biggest problem that 90% of all the men out there have. Rather than relax and just enjoy themselves and let the woman set the pace, they push. They push themselves right out of the picture. To you Psych majors, when you invade a female’s comfort level, she feels pressured and she gets turned off. That’s when you hear those horrible words from her: “I need space!” At that point, of course, it’s already too late.

if it’s broken, don’t fix it

You’re right about the importance of recognizing the romantic point of no return. There’s no going back once you’ve reached that point. Once her Interest Level hits 49%, you can forget it. Trying to fix something when it’s already too late is a complete waste of time. Heck, you could be out hustling the numbers of other women instead of trying to convince the one who doesn’t want you to stay with you. Think about that.

Doc Love shows us what Payn's real problem is: himself. More after the skip...