On a practical level respect includes taking
someone's feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, wishes and
preferences into consideration. It means taking all of
these seriously and giving them worth and value. In fact,
giving someone respect seems similar to valuing them and
their thoughts, feelings, etc. It also includes
acknowledging them, listening to them, being truthful
with them, and accepting their individuality and
idiosyncrasies.

Respect can be shown through
behavior and it can also be felt. We can act in ways
which are considered respectful, yet we can also feel
respect for someone and feel respected by someone.
Because it is possible to act in ways that do not reflect
how we really feel, the feeling of respect is more
important than the behavior without the feeling. When the
feeling is there, the behavior will naturally follow.

Going
back in time, respect played an important role in
survival. If we think of a small tribe wandering in the
desert we can imagine that a person not respected by
anyone could be left behind and die. Such a person was
considered to have no worth, no importance, no value to
the group. This, I believe is the foundation of our
psychological need to feel respected.

Nowadays it seems much more
possible to survive without being respected. Someone
could, for example, inherit a large sum of money, have
many servants and employees and have salesmen constantly
calling on him and catering to him, yet not be respected
in the least. Someone could also make a lot of money
through having a particular talent which is valued, such
as being able to dunk a basketball yet not really be
respected, perhaps because of the way he treats others.

Still, there is a value to respect
which money can't buy. Though someone's life might not
depend on it, there are times, many times in fact, when
another person has the chance to make a personal decision
- a judgment call. When that person feels sincere respect
for someone else, they will make a different decision
than if they feel no respect, even if they have
customarily shown a false, pseudo-respect to the person.

We can all sense whether we are
respected or not. This holds true for those with money
and power as well. Moreover, it is quite possible that
those who pursue money and power are actually trying to
gain a type of respect that they never have truly felt.

When we are respected we gain the
voluntary cooperation of people. We don't have to use as
much of our energy and resources trying to get our needs
met. When people respect one another there are fewer
conflicts. In summary, it is for both evolutionary and
practical reasons that respect is important, and also why
we simply feel better when we are respected.

Real respect is something that is earned.
One earns another's respect by voluntarily doing the
things mentioned above, such as taking that person's
feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.

Respect seems to be like a
boomerang in the sense that you must send it out before
it will come back to you. Respect cannot be demanded or
forced, though sometimes people mistakenly believe that
it can, as I discuss below.

Since a baby has no concept of
respect, and feels only its own needs when born, the only
successful way to teach a child what respect is, is to
earn the respect of the child as they slowly grow into a
thinking human being.

The way this is done is first of
all by attending to the child's natural needs, such as to
be fed and nurtured. As the child grows, his needs
change. He has increasingly sophisticated psychological
needs. He begins to express his own views, his own
preferences, and he has an increasing need for freedom,
autonomy and independence. This is when the adults in his
life can treat him with increasing respect and thereby
earn his respect in return.

It doesn't make sense to think of
respecting a baby in the same way that we say we respect
an adult. Yet on some level the two concepts are similar.
This similarity has to do with our voluntarily helping
that person with their needs. In either case, we must
first accept the needs. For example, if a baby needs to
be fed at three in the morning we don't do it
begrudgingly if we respect his natural needs; we simply
accept that the infant has a natural need to eat at that
particular moment. Likewise, if an adolescent or an adult
needs to talk, we accept this need and we show respect by
listening voluntarily.

Below are more specific ways to
show and earn respect, particularly to an older child,
adolescent or adult.

For this process to work
efficiently several things are required. For example:

Each person must be aware of
their own feelings; i.e. know how they feel.

They must be able to express
their feelings.

They must know how to listen
non-judgmentally & non-defensively.

They must know how to validate
feelings.

They must believe that
feelings have value.

They must believe that
feelings matter.

If respecting someone means
respecting their feelings and their survival needs, then
if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't
respect you. If those in positions of power and authority
do not respect your needs and feelings, they will not
earn your respect.

Here are some specific ways to show
respect:

Asking others "How would
you feel if..." before making a decision
which affects them

Voluntarily making changes and
compromises to accommodate their feelings,
desires and needs

Not interrupting them

Soliciting and allowing
feedback. Trying to understand their beliefs,
values and needs

Giving them the opportunity to
solve their own problems without underestimating
them, in particular:

Avoid
telling them what to do
Avoid telling them what they 'need' to or 'should
do
Avoid giving them unsolicited advice, sermons and
lectures

Remember that the most effective
way of finding out how well your efforts are working is
to simply ask, "On a scale of 0-10, how much do you
feel respected by me?" If you have created a safe
environment, you are likely to get an honest answer. Then
if it is lower than 10, you can ask, "What would
help you feel more respected?" Then you have the
specific information you need to improve your 'rating.'
Most people are more than willing to express themselves
when asked such a question. And the answers are typically
articulate, and often surprising.

A simple way to measure respect is
to use the 0-10 scale suggested above. You can ask
others, "On a scale of 0-10, how much do you feel
respected by ____?" Such a clear, direct question
has provided me with invaluable information since I
started asking it several years ago. Here are some more
questions to ponder:

What would happen if
customers, clients, and constituents were asked
how much they felt respected by employees of
businesses and government agencies?

What if organizations
established minimum standards for respect?

What if children and
adolescents were asked how much they felt
respected by their parents and teachers? What if
someone took action based on the responses?

I believe respect is too important
to go unmeasured in society. We track many other numbers,
but so far, we don't track respect. I believe doing so
would be a step in the right direction.

It seems that authority has two
basic sources: fear and respect. On the continuum below,
we can see that the total source of a person's authority
could be thought of as equal to the combination of how
much they are feared plus how much they are respected.

Source of
Authority

...........Fear .....................Respect

___________________

................0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Fear + Respect = Total
Source of Authority

For example, in a
dysfunctional family a child might fear their parents 8
and respect them 2, for a total of 10. In a healthier
family the authority base might be more like Fear 1,
Respect 9, again for a total of 10. (See small sample study)

Those in positions of authority
often expect and try to demand that those beneath them
show 'respect.' But if they have not first earned respect
by showing it (which is done by respecting the other
person's feelings and needs), they may find that their
power is actually based on fear. Once a person no longer
fears such an authority figure, then the authority
figure's power base quickly disappears out from under
them, often leaving them feeling frustrated, powerless,
confused and resentful.

A New York City gang member was
asked why he carried a gun. He replied: "Before I
had this gun, I didn't get no respect. Now I do."

Similarly, teachers and parents
often believe that if a child obeys them, or says
"Yes, Sir/ No, Sir," it means the child
respects them. Several teachers have told me they felt
more respected when there was more 'discipline' in the
classrooms. When I probed deeper, without fail they made
it clear that they were talking about a time when there
was more use of corporal punishment in school, and thus
more fear of physical pain for disobedience.

There is a danger in mislabeling
fear as respect. To use an analogy, consider what would
happen if two jars in the medicine cabinet were
mislabeled. What if poison ivy lotion were labeled as
cough syrup, or chlorine as contact lens cleaner?

Here are some comparisons between
fear and respect:

Fear is toxic.

Respect is nurturing.

Fear destroys self-confidence.
Respect builds it.

Fear is life-threatening.
Respect is life-enhancing.

Fear is forced. Respect is
earned.

Fear is learned. Respect is
earned.

To confuse the two creates serious
problems for society.

See also this other example
of the confusion between respect and obedience.

One day I met 7 people between the
ages of 13 and 15. I did a small survey of respect and
fear. First I asked them how much they felt respected by
their mothers and fathers, individually, from 0-10. Then
I asked how much they felt afraid of each. As I expected
there was an inverse relationship. They felt a high level
of respect by both parents and a felt a low level of
fear. They felt slightly more respected by their mothers
and slightly more afraid of their fathers.

These were a group of bike riders,
riding around Belgium. They have voluntarily joined the
group so no one had been forced to go. They seemed quite
healthy and happy. Some of them did smoke, but I think it
was only three people in the group.

I asked a 14 year old who I will
call SEP, to do a little survey among 5 of her friends
about respect and fear. I wanted to know how much her
friends felt respected by, and afraid of, their mothers
and fathers. Here is the report I got back.

Friend 1

Respect

Mum

0

"She respects my horses more
than me"

Dad

7

"He lets me be myself without spoiling
me"

Fear

Mum

3

"We usually have shouting matches, and
although she can be quite threatening, I can
shout louder!"

Dad

1

"Im never scared of his reaction
to things and Ive got no reason to fear
him. If I did something
wrong hed be disappointed more than
anything else"

Friend 2

Respect

Mum

7

"My mum is a very good mum
and I feel healthy being around her"

Dad

0

"He doesnt respect me at all. He
left me when I was a baby and now wants me to
drop
everything and come and live with him in another
country."

Fear

Mum

0

"I feel really free with my mum"

Dad

8

"I dont know him very well at all.
I know my step-dad more"

Friend 3

Respect

Mum

9

"She trusts me to look after
my baby sisters and she lets me just be me"

Dad

0

"I dont know where he is!"

Fear

Mum

0

No comments

Dad

--

Friend 4

Respect

Mum

9

"We get on so well"

Dad

0

"He only cares about himself and his
bitch"

Fear

Mum

3

"Sometimes we argue"

Dad

1

"Nothing he says or does can hurt me
anymore. I can say anything to him  swear,
whatever 
and he cant do anything about it because
hes having an affair and he knows
thats much worse.
I hate him so much for what hes put our
family through."

(I truly believe "Friend 5" has great
parents. She is such a happy person I cant
explain it; theres just something so free and
wonderful about her. She really glows and has no worries.
She is so lucky)

When we do not feel respected by
our parents while we are living with them, we have an
unmet need to feel respected later in life. This is such
an obvious statement, yet it needs to be said. It is one
of the clearest examples of what happens when our
emotional needs are not filled in the right amounts at
the right time by our parents. People who did not feel
respected by their parents tend to take things personally
later in life. They may make a big "scene" over
something which to other people would seem small. They do
this because they are in pain from the lack of respect
which they are still feeling, one which originated many
years earlier, but likely was not allowed to be
expressed.

They may demand to be respected by
their employees, their children, their students and the
sales clerks in the supermarket. They make seek positions
of power where they have authority over others as a way
of trying to fill their unmet need for respect. But when
they are in positions of authority it is easy for them to
confuse respect and fear. When they are feared, they are
not respected. When they try to use authority and fear as
a substitute they find that they still feel unfulfilled
since you can never get enough of a substitute.

On the other hand, another
consequence might be that they have such low self-esteems
that they never feel worthy of respect. In this case they
will let people take advantage of them, abuse them and
manipulate them.

In many countries it is now illegal
to hit children in school. In some countries, such as
Sweden, it is also illegal to hit them in their homes.
One result of this shift in social thinking is that
children are becoming less afraid of their teachers, and
of authority in general. In the past, the fear of
physical punishment was often one of the main ways of
maintaining control of the classroom and of society.

The trend in many countries is away
from this form of control. I support this trend, but at
the same time I am afraid we have taken away one method
of control without replacing it with a better one. We
have told the teachers you can no longer hit the
children. But we did not tell them what to do instead.
The result, according to many teachers, is sometimes
chaos. What is needed is another basis of control.

I believe that respect is
this other basis of control. But this respect must be
earned and it must be mutual. It cannot be forced or
demanded. It must not be confused with fear. If we
confuse fear and respect we are returning to the use of
fear. (See sections on this confusion and
on how to earn respect)

I believe there is actually an
inverse relationship between respect and fear. (See
related story) Where
the student feels afraid of teacher X, there is likely to
be little respect for the teacher. If you now remove the
fear from the equation, the student has neither fear of,
nor respect for, teacher X. Now teacher X has lost
control of the class. But if the teacher has earned the
respect of his students, he still has a basis of control,
even when the threat of physical punishment is removed.
Therefore he can be expected to have fewer problems
maintaining control of the classroom. In fact, this seems
to be the case in actual practice. Many educators have
told me that the teachers who show respect to students
have lower levels of discipline and control problems as
compared to teachers who use punishment and threats. (See
also Authority, Fear and Respect)

If a child or teenager is treated
with respect at home, it is likely he will respond
positively to being treated with respect at school. But
if he is hit at home and he knows that he can't be hit at
school, the teacher's job will be more difficult. This is
one reason why I believe it is important that we train
all teachers in how to earn the respect of their students
as part of their own formal education. Ideally, I would
also like to see all parents and future parents trained
in how to earn the respect of their children. Some, of
course, can do this naturally, but I believe most people
could use some formal training.

Outside of the home, teachers are
one of the first representatives of authority in society.
If they earn the respect of their students, the students
are likely to respect others in positions of authority
and society will tend to function a bit more smoothly.

I have noticed that one of the
quickest ways to start a heated discussion with teachers
is to ask them if they believe students should respect a
teacher just because the teacher is a teacher, or if a
teacher has to earn the respect of the students.

To me the answer is clearly the
latter. But the fact that there are still many teachers
who believe the former suggest that there is a serious
shortcoming in the teacher training process.

I also believe that teacher
training programs, for example in a typical university,
do not show future teachers how to earn the respect and
cooperation of the students. They are then significantly
unprepared when they reach the classrooms.

Further, I suspect that if a person
begins studying to become a teacher with the belief that
teachers should be respected or obeyed, just because of
their position as a teacher, it will be very hard to
change this belief. What might be needed then, is some
way of filtering prospective teachers based on their
beliefs. While this idea may make some people feel
uncomfortable, the reality is that a person's beliefs do
significantly affect their attitudes, and attitudes
affect the classroom environment. Beliefs also affect a
person's ability to be taught new things, especially new
ideas. At present the teacher training programs I am
familiar with do not test a future teacher for their
open-mindedness. Instead, I am afraid that their ability
to adapt to the status quo is much more highly valued.
Much depends, of course, on the people who design and
control the teacher training curriculums and the
admissions and graduation processes. Their beliefs will
obviously affect the system itself and the future
teachers created by the system.

I also suspect that if a teacher or
future teacher is emotionally needy, and they have an
unmet emotional need to feel in control or to feel
important, it will be almost impossible for them to treat
students with respect regardless of their training and
preparation. I would suggest that such people really do
not belong in the educational system and society will be
better off if they are replaced by more emotionally
secure individuals (and administrators).

On the other hand, I also believe
there are many teachers and future teachers who agree
that respect needs to be earned, so they just need to be
offered practical skills to help them learn how to do
this.

Every human needs to feel
respected, even the least powerful. (We might even say,
especially the least powerful.)

This point was etched into my brain
when I saw a homeless man soliciting the patrons of a
fast food restaurant in Florida. The cashier, a
street-wise New Yorker, loudly and coldly told the man
that he needed to leave. Everyone in the restaurant
looked up to see what was happening. I suspect the man
felt embarrassed, humiliated, rejected and attacked. I
was surprised, though, at how defensively he reacted. He
chastised the cashier for her manner of speaking to him
and said, among other things, "You got to show folks
some respect, sister. That ain't no way to be speakin' to
nobody!"

While the cashier and the man
argued, I felt empathy for both of them. I could
understand both of their perspectives. I felt a small
amount of fear that the situation was escalating out of
control as they both raised their voices. I realized that
by not showing respect for the man's feelings, (by
defending herself and invalidating him) she actually was
causing more problems for herself and causing more of a
disturbance in the restaurant. In other words, she was
acting counter-productively. Clearly, everyone, even the
homeless street person, needs to feel respected.

Respect is one of those words that
is so widely used it has many different meanings to
different people. We all seem to know it is important to
respect each other, but I am not sure we could all agree
on just what respect actually is.

Father: If you
ever come home late again, you are never going to use
the car again.

Son: Ok. Ok.

Father: Don't
talk to me like that!

How does the father feel when he is
saying "Don't talk to me like that"?

Most likely he is feeling
disrespected. But why doesn't the son feel respect for
the father at this moment? Possibly because the father is
threatening the son.

Threatening someone does not earn
their respect. A threat is used to create fear, not
respect. So it is natural for the son to feel
disrespectful.

The father creates even more fear
by ordering his son not to talk to him "like
that". By giving this command, the father is also
encouraging emotional falseness. He wants the son to talk
to him in a respectful tone, but the son does not respect
for the father at that moment.

In this brief exchange of words,
the father has succeeded only in creating more fear and
falseness, not more respect.

One day I talked to a couple from
Ireland who had two adolescent age daughters. I said,
"Since you are parents, I have a question for you
about raising children. I just got this email from a
friend of mine who is 18. She said her mother slapped her
last week because she "talked back" to her. She
asked me what gives her mother the right to do this. She
said that if she didn't like what someone at a store
said, she would not be able to reach out and slap the
sales clerk. She said that would be illegal. What do you
think about this? Do you think it is ever necessary to
slap a teenage girl? Do you know if it is legal to slap
your daughter in Ireland?"

The mother answered by saying,
"Well, you need to be able to correct your children.
So yes, I'd say it is legal."

I then said, "I agree that
parents need to be able to correct their children, but it
seems to me that 18 is a bit old to still be slapping
your child. What do you think?"

She said, "Well, yes, I
suppose it is. If you haven't been able to teach your
child respect by that age then there is probably
something wrong."

So I am wondering now... If a
mother slaps her daughter to "correct" her is
she teaching respect... or fear?

A woman I will call
"Concerned" is going to see her new partner
this weekend. She has been feeling concerned about their
relationship. A key issue is that she doesn't feel very
respected by him and she would like him to do some things
differently. In this dialogue we are discussing how to
present her concerns.

Steve

How much do you feel
respected by him right now, from 0-10?

Concerned

About 6.

Steve

And how do you think he
would feel if you told him that?

Concerned

He could possibly feel
defensive, or curious, or sad.

Steve

What could you say to make
him feel more defensive?

Concerned

Hmm. Well, I could say,
"I only feel respected 6 out of
10." or I could say,
"You know, the way you treat me, I only feel
respected 6 out of 10."

Steve

Okay. Then what could you
say to make him feel more curious?

Concerned

Well, I could say it like
this, "You know my friend and I were talking
and
he asked me how much I felt respected by you from
0-10."

Steve

Ok. What about sad?

Concerned

Well, I might say
something like, "How much do you feel
respected by me,
from 0-10?" Then we could talk about his
feelings first, like what I could
do so he would feel more respected. Then he would
probably ask me later
how much I felt respected by him, and when I told
him the truth he would
probably feel sad and curious. Then he would
probably ask what he could
do to help me feel more respected.

In the story above about respect
and romance I discussed a
friend who was thinking about how to tell her boyfriend
how much she felt respected by him. This is a
continuation of that story, describing what happened when
she brought up the subject. She said that even though she
tried her best not to put him on the defensive, he still
used his culture as a defense, while attacking hers. Her
partner had told her that, "you can't put a number
on feelings."

He also told her that if you like
and love someone you just automatically respect them. He
told her that people in his culture did not measure
feelings with numbers. He said this might be something
people do in the West, but not in his culture. He said in
his culture one "feels with the heart and not with
mathematics." After that rebuke and short lecture,
she was afraid to say anything more about it, and, not
surprisingly, their relationship did not last long.

This example raises an important
issue. It reminds us that the word respect means
different things to different people and to different
cultures. It also suggests that in a relationship of any
kind, but especially an intimate or romantic
relationship, it is important to discuss the definition
of respect. It is important to find a common ground to be
able to continue the discussion.

It also helps us see that an
important part of respect is accepting someone. This
includes accepting their definition of respect, as well
as their way of expressing their feelings about it.

This story reminds me of the
Mayer-Salovey definition of emotional intelligence when
the new boyfriend says "one feels with the heart and
not with mathematics." At the very core of the
Mayer-Salovey definition is the relationship between the
"heart" and the intellect. According to these
two well-respected university professors, emotional
intelligence combines feelings and reason. It seems,
then, that the process of assigning numbers to feelings,
and then rationally discussing what the respective
numbers mean, is a perfect practical application of their
academic model. (See
the Mayer-Salovey model of EI)

Another example of the relationship
between respect, obedience and fear is seen in a parent
who uses threats to try to control their child's
behavior. A question worth asking is: Does that parent
want the child to respect or obey them? Most parents
would say: "Of course I want my children to respect
me." Then I thought about why some parents fail to
earn the respect of their children, and instead have to
rely on fear to try to control them. And I thought:
"What happens when your children are not afraid of
you anymore?"

Next I thought about a hypothetical
conversation with a parent who might say: "I know
how to frighten my children. That is easy. But how do I
earn their respect?"

Then I thought, "Anyone can
frighten a child, but not everyone knows how to earn
their respect."

Therefore, we must teach the
parents, teachers and perhaps the world's political
leaders. We can't hold them responsible for something
which was never taught them.

Once I asked 15 year old why she
feels respected by me. Here is our conversation.

Steve says:

hi b

Briar says:

hi

Steve says:

I just wrote u

Briar says:

ok

Steve says:

tell me when u
have read it

Briar says:

ok

Steve says:

thanks

Briar says:

well, about the
question "how much do you feel respected by
me 0-10 and why?" i would say
10 because you take the time to listen to my
problems and you don't criticize me because of
them and
you don't try to force me to do anything that I
don't want to do

Steve says:

ok

Steve says

thanks

This conversation was on August 19,
2002 with Briar Fitzgerald of Ontario, Canada. I have
used her real name with her permission.

Today I was talking to a
teacher. She said "I think the students
should just respect me and do as they are
told."

Feeling Disrespected at Age
21

When Nathalie was home visiting her
parents in she called her grandmother. While they were
talking, the father came in and heard who she was talking
to. He pushed the speaker button on the telephone so he
and his wife could hear the whole conversation. Nathalie
pushed the button back off. She wanted to have a private
conversation with her grandmother. Later she asked her
father to please not do that while she was talking.

The father got defensive and said
things like, "But we are all part of the same
family. Everything should be open within the family.
There should be no need to hide anything. If you don't
want others to hear what grandmother is saying then you
must have something to hide." Nathalie told her
father that she didn't have anything to hide, but that
she felt a little disrespected when he simply pushed the
button without asking her first.

Her father got even more defensive
and said, "That has nothing to do with respect.
There is no reason for you to feel disrespected. Of
course I respect you. It is normal for people in the same
family to share everything. Lately you are always
accusing your mother and I of not respecting you. How
could you possibly say that we don't? What is the matter
with you, Nathalie? Where are you getting these strange
ideas? What are they teaching you at that university? Why
do you take everything so personally? Sometimes I think
you really need to see a psychologist for your
problems." Then he walked away.

Feeling Disrespected at age
16

One week I was staying at a
relative's house. I was using the computer in the 16 year
old's room. The father came in and we started talking. He
was telling me how his son had made some of the furniture
in the room. One of the things he made was a small table.
On the table was a cloth cover. He took off the
photograph and the other things on top of the table, then
took off the cover, saying, "I don't know why he has
this covered up. I like the way the natural wood
looks." He folded up the cloth cover and put it on
his desk.

It was hard for me to believe my
eyes. I was so stunned I couldn't even think of what to
say. All I could think of was, "But it is not your
room!" When the son came home I happened to be in
his room using the computer. He immediately noticed the
change his father had made and he asked me if I knew
anything about it. I explained what had happened and then
asked how he felt about it.

He rolled his eyes, shook his head
and said, "He does that kind of thing all the time.
He also comes in and makes my bed even though I have told
him I don't like it. It is just another one of the many
reasons I don't feel respected by him."