"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." Ernest Hemingway

Summary: Jaejoong, the half Korean child nobody wanted, and Yunho, the beloved golden son of a town, form an unlikely bond; one that is forever evolving through the passing years as it is repeatedly tested by love, loss, and fire. This is part one of their story.

Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town, and during an ambiguous time period.

Prologue

He stood there in the hospital waiting room, acutely aware that he was wearing his Hello Kitty pajamas that Hana had gotten him last Christmas. Pajamas he had put on after showering; an unsuccessful attempt to wash away his guilt. He looked down at his feet, eyeing the green flip flops he had somehow managed to slip on during the mad dash to get to the crash site. He mentally chastised himself for thinking of clothing at a time like this. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them again, before gazing at the man who he knew to be forever lost to him.

Across the room, sitting in a chair, staring at the wall with tears sliding down blackened cheeks was the person Jaejoong loved most in the world; a person now consumed with overwhelming guilt and self-hatred. His face and arms were covered in burns and blisters; his clothing was scorched; but it was the not the heat of the fire that had left the deepest wounds, and a lifetime’s worth of scars.

Jaejoong did not move from his spot, not daring to take a step closer. “Yunho, you should go to the emergency room.”

“No,” came the broken, hoarse reply.

The painful response had Jaejoong instinctively taking a step toward the other man.

“Don’t! Don’t come near me.”

Jaejoong came to an immediate stop. “I won’t.”

“Do you know what we did?”

“I know.”

“We killed him…I killed him. I killed him,” the other man sobbed, bending over in his chair as if even sitting was too hard. “I killed my dad.”

Jaejoong wiped away the tears from his face with the sleeve of his pajama top. He wanted to comfort the other man, but the words escaped him. Yunho’s father had been such a kind, good man…and their actions had resulted in his death. He had died because of them, and nothing Jaejoong told Yunho could ever change that fact.

“How do I tell her? How do I tell her I killed Dad? How do I tell her she is a widow with two young kids and baby, now?” Yunho cried out with unimaginable grief. “I don’t deserve to live.”

“He burned up…I couldn’t save him. He just burned…” Yunho paused as his whole body was wracked with sobs.

Jaejoong squatted on the floor, unsteady legs threatening to give out as another fire from years ago sprang to memory. He pushed those old memories aside and focused on Yunho and the sight the other man had been forced to watch, helplessly. How would he ever survive witnessing such a sight, knowing his actions…their actions had led to it? How did anybody survive knowing such a thing? “I don’t know,” Jaejoong whispered.

“How do I tell her? I don’t know how to tell her Dad is dead…I just don’t know how.”

Jaejoong, who was struggling for a way to ease Yunho’s pain, reminded him, “She knew about the wreck…that’s why she fell down the stairs. That’s what Mrs. Fields said when she took Hana and Junsu, remember?” Yunho turned to look at Jaejoong with widened eyes, and he instantly knew he had said the wrong thing. “I don’t know what to say,” Jaejoong told him, miserably. “I don’t know how to make this better.”

“There is nothing you can say,” Yunho answered with a slightly raised voice. “Nothing can make this better; there are no words. No words.”

A doctor and a nurse walked into the waiting room, sparing Jaejoong from having to respond to the despondent man. The doctor walked up to Yunho, who had gotten up from his chair when the doctor entered the room. Jaejoong stood back up as soon as the doctor started apologizing. Words and phrases like blood loss, blood failing to clot, abruptio placentae, and DIC could be heard as Jaejoong’s world spun out of control. He fought to keep his feet planted firmly on the floor.

It slowly registered with Jaejoong that Mrs. Jung was dead. Mrs. Jung was dead. Mrs. Jung, who had always been so extremely kind to him…she had taught him to cook. She had not survived…just like Mr. Jung had not survived. They were both dead. They had both welcomed him into their lives and their home. Their door had always been open to him. They had made him feel at home, when he didn’t even know what a home was. They were both dead, and he had contributed to their death. He had killed the kindest, warmest people he had ever known.

He forced himself to look at Yunho, surprised to find that Yunho had stopped crying. Instead his handsome face was deathly still, as the full consequences of his actions were truly understood for the first time. Jaejoong watched the frozen Yunho, wishing he could go back in time; wishing he could undo everything that had led to this moment. He made many a silent plea to God but if the great deity of everything had heard him, he gave no sign.

“Are you family?”

Jaejoong jumped, surprised by the voice. He looked away from Yunho to find the nurse standing beside him.

“No,” Jaejoong answered, shaking all over. “I was a friend…they took me in. They were…Mrs. Jung was always good to me. She was better than…she was more of a mom to me…than anybody else ever was. Mr. Jung too….he was really good to me. He was like a big teddy bear…kinda gruff, but not gruff at all. I wasn’t family though; I just always wished I was.”

“That’s close enough,” the nurse answered, causing Jaejoong to really look at her, and what she was holding.

“Is that…?”

The nurse nodded her head. “He survived; he’s a strong boy.”

“He?”

“Yes, it’s a boy.”

Jaejoong looked at the baby, horrified, and his voice squeaked, “He doesn’t have a mom.”

The nurse shook her head. “No, he doesn’t; but he is going to need someone. His brother is in no shape to hold him.”

“You want me to hold him?”

The nurse nodded her head, and gently placed the baby in Jaejoong’s arms, and told him kindly, “His mother can’t hold him, so I think it’s important that somebody who obviously loved her hold him for her.”

Jaejoong gazed down at the newborn, forcing his body to stop shaking as he held the sleeping baby…a completely innocent sleeping baby who would never get a chance to know his amazing parents. An infant born into tragedy, a tragedy that Jaejoong had contributed to. Jaejoong vowed he would do everything he could to make it up to the child, and to everyone. He would be whatever they needed him to be.

OMG! T_T What did Yunho and Jaejoong do? I don't think they literally killed Yunho's father right? But I guess the fire was started because of them? Did they have an argument? Yunho's mother went into early labour and died from the labour and shock from the news of her husband in the hospital is it? T_T

Oh god, just the prologue but so angsty T_________T Aquarius ah, what are you trying to do to Yunjae and us =.=

Oh my gosh! Such an interesting way to start a story, and so emotional! I'll go read the next part right now!

PS. Remember me? I always end up having these random breaks from reading fanfics but I never forget your stories! I really have missed them, and I'm so excited to find that you've started another one! Yay! :D

Hello there! I was recommended to read this fic by my better half fi_chan And she did warn me but OMFG! I'm going to kill her because her warning was not even close to preparing me. My heart is already pounding and I don't even know what to do.

I'm going to assume they didn't literally kill YunHo's parents. Why is YunHo taking it out on JaeJoong? Were they caught with each other by parents that caused the accident? OMG! My heart! *pops open my wine bottle*

Forgive me if my comments are not worthy or are lackluster because one, your fic is the first fic I'm starting in a very very long time (almost a yr+) and two, your writing if I remember from Damaged (which I didn't have the heart to finish) was just so beautiful and intense. Only a few writers have ever been able to get such raw emotions out of me so it's hard to for me to read it continuously. I have to often take breaks if I'm really effected by a fic. Anyways, here I go. And do let me know if I need to stop leaving my long or annoying comments.

I love love love this story! When I first read this, I couldn't stop and ended up finishing up to chapter 17 in one sitting. I was even reluctant to eat or take potty breaks! Now I'm rereading everything to leave a proper review :)

Setting the the prologue in this timeline is very interesting given that you set the story backward from here, working it forward to present time. I still get very invested in the story but there's always this little bit of uneasiness in the back of my mind after reading the prologue. Actually in rereading this, I'm even more anxious especially now that I'm more hone in to Yunho's behavior and Jaejoong's mind.

It's so angsty but I'm crossing my fingers anyways for a happy ending!

Oh God ): what happened ? ): It was really sad, I was like feeling the pain of Jaejoong. It was horrible ): But okay, let's comment about this. I don't think that Yunho and Jaejoong had the intention of kill the parents of Yunho ): They could had done something dangerous but not thinking about the consequences. And now resulted in it. I hope Yunho doesn't start hating Jaejoong, he don't deserve ): Jaejoong will take care of the baby? oooooh I want to know ~~ it's because of this I'll read the chapter one ^^ chuu ~~ nice to meet you (:

And omg just, when I started reading I immediately thought this going to be angst. But not just any angst. But one of those good angst that makes us weep like there's no tomorrow but still having us sucking for more~ ahahaha /enjoys reading angst

But I just can't help to feel sorry for them. ESPECIALLY THAT NEWBORN. They are just alone in this world...Yunho, his siblings, and Jaejoong. I hope those kids are okay and the only ones to suffer will be YunJae lol /OKAY THAT SOUNDED BAD. BUT SERIOUSLY I CAN'T STAND CHILDREN SUFFERING WHEN THEY ARE NOT THE MAIN CHARACTERS.

sorry for the capslock haha~ you just got yourself a new reader lol~~~

another story to read

Interesting how the beginning and everything else, is a great job, no doubt!the only bad thing is that I can no longer access the next chapter could help me on this? In truth, I am very curious how it will develop the story.

OMG I love it

I really love this fan fiction but it won't let me view the next chapters it says access denied, and I'm a bit new to live journal - do I have join a community or add you as friend to continue reading? BY THE WAY SO MUCH PERFECTION I LOVE THIS FANFICTION

God, I've been such a silent reader recently, but I have to tell you that this was, in so many ways, one of the most beautiful, more realistic YunJae fanfictions I've read in a long time. It almost seemed as though you had absolutely no trouble portraying the emotions of each character, had no trouble taking them as if they were nothing but a blank canvas and filling them with their true colors. It was lovely, I can't even begin to explain how this fiction moved me. I will patiently wait for part two of this masterpiece ^^

On a less formal note, I really envy the ability you have when it comes to truly creating realistic and believable characters in a realistic and believable world. You have a gift, dear.