I like to read some of my older posts and feel what I felt then, try to imagine what angle I was taking at that time, and what I feel about it now. Some days I just want to feel. Anything. Sometimes I find that I feel the complete opposite now. Sometimes exactly the same, as in the post below, one that meant a lot to me and I wanted to publish it here again:

[ I had to take him for new shorts yesterday. He's growing. Taller and taller up my side. Offering to help me put away the dishes, giving random hugs and i love yous.

We weren't guaranteed that he'd grow at all. That he'd even be walking or talking. This little boy that is now a big boy and has a light and life that just pours out of him onto everyone he meets.

At the AEOF event the other night I prepared myself to be strong and listened to parents that I knew, the ones that are still in the midst of the storm, their child not better. I'm so often told we should be so proud of ourselves. You were so strong. You were so brave. You got through it. I don't know how you got through it. I opened the event program a few pages in to see the photo of Noah in his helmet, hand raised high in the air. And I couldn't stop the tears from stinging my eyes. I am not the strong one. I am not the reason for his miracle.

The Lion King has been the movie of choice lately at our house. I caught my breath the other day as Mufasa tells his son, I'm only brave when I have to be... being brave doesn't mean you go around looking for trouble.

And later he says even kings get scared.

I was scared. Somedays I still fight that fear. That this isn't over. And here everyone thinks I'm the brave one. That because I made it through the storm and had faith unwavering that I must still be so strong. I was only brave when I had to be.

I dry off the last dish. Noah has put away almost all of the silverware and declares that the spoons are winning. His smile flashes a spirit that is alive and peaceful and well. I am so thankful. We're winning, too.

19 comments:

It's a strange thing - seeing kids grow up so fast, isn't it? People have always told me, "Enjoy it while it lasts - he'll be gone before you know it!" Of course, they said that during the times when I couldn't WAIT to sleep through the night, couldn't WAIT for him to talk, couldn't WAIT for him to potty train. Now, he'll be 10 in July and my heart strings just break. I would give anything to have more of that time that I couldn't wait to be over. I can't even watch home movies anymore without going psycho on everyone for a few days. It throws me into some crazy time warp thing. Maybe..just maybe - I'm simply nuts. LOL Enjoy every minute of your litte ones :)

Everyone always tells me this very same thing.."they grow up so fast" and it never really hit me until just recently...when my baby starting really babbling and trying so hard to form words, that I began to remember when she would coo and grunt it was the sweetest sound I've ever heard.

I guess everyone was right, because when I think back to those first moments and how they passed in a blink, I miss them and it makes me want more! I never want to forget those feelings and those moments.

That's exactly why I love having a blog, so I can look back and see how we've all grown and remember those younger days with fondness. I never can decide if I want to go back to those days or not, because as the kids get older that's so cool too.

That video brought tears to my eyes. As I watch my oldest approach two, I can already see some of his beautiful and wonderfully charming young toddler habits break. His speech is developing, and he looks older every week. Thanks for pulling this one from the archives.

Oh, my gosh! They certainly do grow up fast...too fast. I love what you wrote about only being brave when you have to be. It's so true. Being brave doesn't mean fear is erased. Fortunately, God can carry us through despite our fears.

Ok, I have to comment again. I didn't watch the video the first time around - but now I'm tearing up. Noah is so darling! "Carter, he's all chocolate!" LOL It's hard to remember them being that little, isn't it?