Bonding problems with a new baby

Having two kids instead of one is definitely a more physically taxing proposition. But I’m finding that taking care of two is less emotionally taxing. Not only am I less stressed for reasons that I mentioned here. I’m also experiencing none of the guilt or where’s-my-place-in-all-of-this feeling that happened with my first son.

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Don’t worry: You’ll get to be the ‘fun parent’ later.

I’m not saying this happens with every new father. But in the first several months, when my wife was breastfeeding, she was definitely bonding with the baby in ways that I couldn’t. I also went back to work pretty quickly, which further widened that gap between knowing exactly what to do with the baby (my wife) and for the most part being scared s—less of him (me).

Eventually this all worked itself out, and I feel sort of ridiculous for worrying about it as much as I did. My wife and I both have great relationships with our older son, just like we will with the younger one. But I’ve come up with some advice for expecting parents who are worried about bonding with their kids. Note that I annoyingly said “father” above — this advice applies for any parent who will be in the position where they have to watch someone else handle the majority of the feeding and/or care of the baby …

1. You’re completely normal: For the first couple of months after Baby No. 1 was born, I would get extremely anxious when my wife left me alone with the baby — even if she was enjoying a short trip to the gym or the store. I would literally count the minutes until she came back, worried that I would screw something up. I felt a little better when I talked to other parents (mostly dads) who told me they experienced the same thing. I fell in love with my son the moment he was born, but it took me a long time to be comfortable around him. Turns out that doesn’t make me evil.

2. Schedule some delayed time off: If you’re working full time, I would recommend taking a couple of weeks off after the baby is a couple of months old, especially if he/she has moved on to bottle feeding. And then — and this is important — get your significant other out of the house (a spa certificate is nice). I think the best way to feel comfortable around a baby is to force yourself to learn his or her patterns, without a safety net. I took delayed time off with both babies and was really thankful I did. Once I forced myself to get comfortable around the baby, most of my stress melted away.

3. Get out of the house: Whether you have one child or multiples, I really do think the outside world makes everything less daunting. If you’re a new parent who is scared of the baby and have to spend some time alone, leave your comfort zone. One big advantage is you’ll run into a lot of other parents, who have probably gone through some similar experiences. (And they might even give you a hand.)

4. Your time will come: With our new baby, I’ve been relaxing about the fact that we’re bonding kind of slowly, and I’ve been using the time to strengthen my relationship with my older son. Yes, the baby doesn’t have as much use for me right now as he will when he’s older. But at some point down the line, I know I’ll get to be the “fun parent.”