Marriage Makeover: "2 Jobs, 2 Kids — Where Does Our Marriage Fit In?"

With two fast-paced careers, a toddler, and another baby on the way, Meghan and Jeremy Wilker have let their marriage drop to the bottom of their to-do list. Can REDBOOK Love Network expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., help them finally make time for each other?

Meghan and Jeremy Wilker are both at the top of their career game. Meghan, 32, runs a company that constructs Websites, and Jeremy, 38, recently launched two companies: one sells fine-art photo prints online; the other is a digital photo lab for photographers. With two great careers and a beautiful family — the Minneapolis couple has a 2-year-old daughter, Trixie, and baby number two is set to arrive in October — the Wilkers seem like they've got an enviable marriage and lifestyle. So, what's their problem? Simply put, they make time for everything except each other. "We're both highly motivated when it comes to our jobs," says Jeremy, "but that means our marriage and fun time get put on hold. On our list of priorities, Trixie is always number one, and numbers two through nine are always work." The couple's lack of intimacy means that fairly typical marital spats — about household chores, say, or who is picking up Trixie from day care — grow out of proportion, driving a wedge between this otherwise in-sync couple.

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"Meghan and Jeremy are smart to recognize that ignoring their marriage isn't wise," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist who has been in private practice for more than 20 years. "Just realizing that they need to start making their relationship a priority is the first step to making positive change." While the Wilkers are doing a lot of things right — they rarely argue about money, parenting styles, or child care and often eat dinner together — they're concerned that they'll grow apart if they keep putting everything else ahead of their marriage.

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MEGHAN: "I tend to be much more tightly wound than Jeremy. I want things done a certain way on a certain timetable."

JEREMY: "I can tell pretty quickly when she's getting angry — it's a vibe I pick up on, like an electrical disturbance emanating from her. I almost always know what she's upset about, like that I haven't taken the trash out yet, even though I plan to do it."

MEGHAN: "I quietly storm around the house and try to hold it in, usually because I know I shouldn't let whatever is bothering me get to me. But then it all comes out sideways, usually in a snide remark. Once I simmer down, I feel regretful and sad and want to make everything better."

JEREMY: "It's exasperating that so many of our arguments have to come to this boiling point. I resent Meghan for it, but I'm to blame too. When I get mad, I do the stereotypical guy thing: I clam up and don't talk. Then I eventually snap at her or maybe raise my voice, and that's when I realize I've been holding all my feelings in."

MEGHAN: "But it's hard to stop and say, 'I want to sit down and talk about this calmly.' We end up just avoiding discussing the topic until it becomes this huge thing. At the same time, we don't want to be yellers — especially with young kids — but that's what's happening to us."

EXPERT ADVICE: "It's good that Meghan and Jeremy are both aware that if they don't talk about what's irritating them, the issue is going to go from small to colossal. The key is finding the time to discuss what's bothering them. It's not essential to talk about issues as soon as they arise, but it is essential to say in the moment, 'This upsets me and we need to figure out a time to work it out.' They should try setting aside time each weekend for a marriage maintenance meeting, a clearinghouse of sorts for the issues that might have built up over the week. Mornings are best — they'll wake up refreshed and renewed and motivated to work things out. Once they plug this structure into their life, they'll have a calm place to discuss topics they might have otherwise avoided."

MEGHAN: "I often assume that Jeremy will take care of day-care drop-offs for our daughter because he works from home, while I go to an office every day. I know it gets on his nerves when I forget to check in and say, 'Are you dropping off Trixie this morning, or do you need me to do it?' "

JEREMY: "That's our most common argument, because the situation happens five days a week."

MEGHAN: "When we argue, it sometimes comes out that I don't acknowledge enough of the stuff he helps with. I know that I have a great guy! There are plenty of husbands who don't do nearly as much as Jeremy does around the house, like cooking dinner most nights. But I don't think he realizes the amount of time I spend keeping our calendar-making sure Trixie's doctor appointments get scheduled or that we don't miss family parties or stuff with his friends. It's almost like the time I spend planning our lives is invisible to him, and that's frustrating to me."

JEREMY: "When we were first together, our jobs were less demanding and we didn't have a baby, so we had more time to acknowledge what we each did for each other."

MEGHAN: "We get into this comparison thing: 'I know you're doing a lot, but so am I.' It's as if by acknowledging the other person's contribution, you're somehow diminishing your own."

EXPERT ADVICE: "Everyone wants to feel that their stress is understood — that your partner knows how much you're doing. One of the easiest things the Wilkers can do is speak up about how the other person helps life flow more smoothly. So instead of Jeremy just saying, 'Thanks for making that dinner reservation,' he might also say, 'I know you're superbusy and yet you still planned something fun for us to do with our friends.' If Jeremy makes dinner, besides commenting that it's delicious, Meghan could say, 'I know how crazy you are with work and yet you still cooked dinner instead of ordering pizza.' These supportive comments show that they get what their partner is dealing with. They each understand everything the other is juggling. And when they both feel truly appreciated, they'll lose that impulse to get into a comparison match of who is doing the most."

JEREMY: "Our sex life has changed a lot since we got married. Not the quality, but the quantity. It's a quarter of what it used to be."

MEGHAN: "We've gotten into this bad habit of working past midnight after we put our daughter to bed, and then we're exhausted. I'm also not so much of a cuddler when it's time to go to sleep. And it doesn't help that I'm pregnant right now."

JEREMY: "I sometimes think, How hard can it be to just rub my shoulders for a few minutes? Why wouldn't she want to do that? But if I'm feeling neglected, I may not be willing to do that for her, either."

MEGHAN: "We need to make reconnecting less difficult. We'll say, 'We need to go out to dinner once a week and get a sitter,' and then we don't and we feel like we failed."

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EXPERT ADVICE: "I could tell Meghan and Jeremy until the cows come home that they should both work less to make more time for intimacy. But they're both driven people, and that's okay. They can still find ways to reconnect. First, they should simply try going to bed at the same time each night and snuggling. I know Meghan isn't a cuddler, but five minutes is doable. It will give them that physical closeness they need to recharge their relationship batteries. And if one of them does want more, be direct. Jeremy could say, 'If you're up for it, I'd love to.' Even if Meghan isn't, he's put his wish on her radar. And Meghan should make sure to follow through by planning to have a sex date soon — in the morning, tomorrow night, or on the weekend. There's nothing wrong with scheduling sex in the short term; just avoid making it 'every Tuesday,' which puts too much pressure on the relationship and can squash desire. Besides snuggling, they could send each other emails that say, 'I'm looking forward to coming home.' It doesn't have to be big. It only takes two seconds to say, 'I love you.' Or, 'I'm so glad I married you.' When you speak from the heart, these statements are powerful and can change the color of your day.

JEREMY: "I like how Dr. Greer was cognizant of the realities of our lives. She didn't try to tell us to work or do less. I think we both want to try the five-minute snuggle thing. Who can argue with five minutes? But I'm not sure I'll be able to say that something is bothering me and then wait to discuss it at a better time. It's a good idea, but in the heat of the moment, you want to talk right then."

MEGHAN: "I can see the value in having a standing morning meeting about our relationship. It's totally true that in the morning you feel refreshed and ready to work things out. We tried to do a Sunday-night meeting, but we were too anxious for the week ahead, and it didn't stick. But on a Saturday morning, we'll have the energy to open up about our relationship and set ourselves up for a great weekend. I liked the five-minute thing, too. It gives me hope that if we plant this little seed of time together, it will grow into something bigger between us."

MEGHAN: "I think Dr. Greer's advice has made us more aware of things like how we talk to each other, or if we're not paying attention to each other. I feel like I'm more grateful for all the things Jeremy does since we've talked to her, and I think it's because I am more conscious of the things he's doing. I think I'm making more of an effort not to take those things for granted. We're trying to do the weekly meetings in the morning, but it's been hard to make it a real habit. We both still think it's a good idea, though. So, we'll keep trying. I've been trying to ramp it up on the snuggling, too. In fact, we snuggled through a 2 1/2 hour movie last weekend — not bad, eh?! I've also started sending him more notes — emails and texts and stuff — just to say that I love him, I appreciate him, etc. I have no idea if he thinks it's great or dorky. Probably a little of both!

It does seem like we're both happier in some ways. And, even though the therapist never once said, 'Well, don't work so much!' I think it has made us more conscious of how much we do work and the unintended consequence of that has been that we are getting better at saying, 'That can wait 'til tomorrow' in favor of hanging out with each other. And we've been trying to go on more dates, which has been really fun. Going out — even just for dinner and a movie — and laughing and enjoying each others company reminds me why we are together in the first place. Which feels really nice."

JEREMY: "I really liked the whole 'five minutes' suggestion and nobody can argue with that no matter how busy or stressed out they might be. Heck, you can easily waste five minutes trying to pick out a snack. Five minutes is pretty easy and doesn't feel like any additional weight of responsibility. Five minutes really can give a much needed perspective and a reconnection. And if it turns into a few hours somehow, hey, that's a good time!

We've both been more mindful of time and each other. I'm certainly trying to be more aware of Meghan's needs as a working mother and making time for each other and our family has been wonderful. Just this past weekend we had a gloriously connected and relaxing time together with our daughter and hung out a lot, reading, playing, and just enjoying each others company.

Our stress level has fallen substantially, I would say. Even though workloads continue to be high, things don't seem as sensitive and we aren't constantly operating at 150 miles per hour. Everyone is calmer and happier lately."