Why the crutch I thought I needed helped me fall

I’m going to write about something a little person today. It’s not that most people who really know me don’t already know this but honestly, who goes around announcing these things. So I’m going to tell you about what I thought of as my crutch and why I think it helped me fall instead. I’m going to tell you because just maybe you thought the same way and now are experiencing the same thing. One thing to keep in mind however is that everyone is effected differently by things so just because this was my experience doesn’t mean it will be yours.

Maybe it was a change at work and maybe it was a change in me but this year I seemed to struggle with emotions and anxiety. For women, you how that one week of pms feels before you start your period. Anxious, on edge, snapping at people and getting frustrated easy? Well, I felt that way at least 3 weeks at a time. At first I just realized how angry I was but because I have learned to take a good hard look at myself, I realized that this wasn’t me and something wasn’t right.

I also noticed my monthly period, while still pretty regular within a few days, was different as well. So my first call was to my OBGYN.

After talking to her and running some test everything came out looking normal. She said that my age, 35 at the time, is when the reproductive system starts breaking down and not running as smooth as it use to. She suggested a few things to help with the period but the one thing she suggested I do for the prolonged PMS was start Paxil. After adamantly expressing my desire to not be on any medicine she told me that many of her patience only take it for 14 days of the month and feel so much better. So much better they end up taking it every day.

After some heavy thinking and realizing just how miserable I was feeling I agreed to start it. I was only planning on taking it the 14 days before my period but after that initial period I chose to take it daily. One reason was because I find it hard to remember to take it anyway and needed the routine and the other reason was because I just wanted to feel good. I was tired of feeling anxious and on edge every day. She told me to think of it as a crutch and I did.

So here I am three weeks later sitting in her office and she asks me how I feel. So I tell her. I’m tired all the time. Not just tired but fatigued. I can’t concentrate or focus on anything. I found myself with many projects only half done. And before I could finish those I would start many more. I could also be in the middle of sentence and lose my thought at the drop of a hat. It made me seem incompetent more than once not just to my higher ups but to my employees as well. I had a constant mild headache that never seem to go away and I felt like I was walking around in a fog. I was more clumsy than usual as well and found many new bruises on my legs, knees, and elbows daily. However I wasn’t anxious or on edge so we decided to let it play out. We would give the medicine more time and let my body get use to it.

Fast forward to about the third month. The original side effects seemed mild to what they were and I was just glad that month after month I seemed just fine when my PMS time of the month would roll around and I wouldn’t feel like I was going to bite everyone’s head off. During this time I also started using other natural remedies and taking baths with Fairy Bath Bombs and Epsom salt. I took comfort in the fact that I didn’t hate anyone anymore. I didn’t want to yell at anyone anymore and I didn’t have much anxiety anymore.

I’ve been on it for about six months now and I can honestly say I no longer feel anxious or angry or on edge much anymore. I can also say for a fact I no longer feel happiness or excitement or anticipation. I no longer feel desire. And because I make it a point to be more aware of myself than most people I’ve been noticing things maybe I normally wouldn’t. First off, I’ve started to get the headaches again as well as the same fog that I remember from the first few weeks.What I have noticed most is that I have gained a lot of weight in a short period of time. I have cravings I never had before. I haven’t been able to keep it off because I’ve also lost my drive or desire to change it. I’ve lost whatever it is I had to commit and become dedicated.

I noticed that I’ve lost the ability to really care or feel. It’s great that I don’t feel angry or sad but you know I don’t ever really feel happy either. There are no emotions one way or another I just honestly don’t care. I can be surrounded by people I love and we can all be talking or hanging out and I think to myself, this make me happy, except I don’t feel happy I just know I should. Does that make sense? I feel like what I thought was just a crutch to keep me up during the day is the one thing that helped me fall.

So now six months later I’ve decided to make that change. I want to get off of Paxil ER 12.5 and just use natural remedies for my anxiety and moods. I’ve learned so much about natural remedies and meditations and just small changes I can make in my life that I know I can do it.

I called my doctor today to tell her of my decision. I’ve read so many horror stories online about the withdrawals of Paxil. Some say getting off of it they felt worse than when they got on it. From everything I’ve read and been told you do NOT just stop taking it. You taper off and wean yourself off. Only when I called my doctor today that is just what she told me to do. Maybe it’s because I have only been on it six months or because I am on the lowest dose. She said I would be fine if I just stopped taking it. What are you experiences with it? Would you share?

**update: I contacted my pharmacy today and they clarified it a bit more for me. Normally you do not want to just stop a medicine like this. However I am on the lowest dose already and it cannot be cut in half so they also said it would be okay if I just stopped it all at once. **

I’m NOT saying you shouldn’t take Paxil and I’m not saying if you did it would affect you the same as it effected me. Everyone handles these things differently. I know there are some cases where the medicines are really needed. I did need it at the time. Could I have handled it differently, maybe. I’m going to try now.

If you are interested in the outcome of this little adventure I’m about to embark on then please check back in a month or so and I will tell you how it’s going. I’m excited about a future without fog and full of emotions!