Posts tagged ‘celebrity’

Jack Johansen, advisor to the stars, makes $500,000 a year by changing the past and saving celebrity morons from embarrassing real-life faux paus.

IT’S 8:40 AM AND JACK’S CELL PHONE GOES OFF

“Jack speaking. Michael? Aren’t you supposed to go to court. Great. Hey, Michael. Real quick. Whatcha wearing? Pajama bottoms without the tops? Yes. I’m sure Court TV would get a kick out of that. But I got an idea. How about we pretend this is a pretty big court case you are facing over child molestation and you could spend the next 20 years behind bars and you wear big boy pants. Check downstairs. I got them laying out on the table for you. No problem. And remember what we talked about – no grabbing your crotch until AFTER the verdict comes in.”

IT’S 9:40 PM AND JACK’S CELL PHONE GOES OFF

“Prince Harry? What the heck are you up to? Halloween party? And you want to go as a Nazi. Hmmmmm. I like your chutzpah. But do me a favor. Go down to your dad’s room. See those large books he has in the bookshelf – the six volume set on World War II written by Winston Churchill. Yeah. That’s the one. Now, open it to the section with all the pictures. Look for the guys wearing your costume. That’s right. Those guys standing by all the dead, naked bodies they piled up. Yeah. You are correct. That’d make you kind of a buzz kill of the party. Hey, no problem. I agree. You’d look smashing in that Tarzan get up. Have fun. And send me a picture.”

IT’S 11 AM AND JACK’S CELL PHONE GOES OFF

“OJ! My man! Hey, you nut, I’m still paying off that jury from your murder trial! What’s up? Some guys stole some of your old football cards and jerseys. And you plan to rob them in a Vegas hotel with a few men you just met at a wedding reception a few hours ago? OJ. Listen carefully. Don’t forget to bring a gun.”