Daily Archives: February 3, 2013

After a half hour of the worst modern American culture has to offer, a crotch-rubbing whore prancing and lip synching across stage, the game goes dark for 34 minutes, and the green energy crowd admits to doing it. Why have a robust infrastructure when we can light candles and sing kumbaya?

America was great because of its inventive people and a free economy, not because of any particular cultural achievements, but now we have neither. Pathetic.

Harry Reid “confident” Senator Menendez will beat the rap (s). Hey, the Democrat’s Homeland Security Agency has already protected the guy by ordering the FBI not to arrest an illegal alien/sex offender on Menendez’s staff “until after the election”, the Democrat Party put him into the Senate when he was known as the most (okay, make that “one of the most” – it’s New Jersey) congressmen in the Garden State, so what’s a little R&R with underaged hookers in the Dominican Republic, or a billion – dollar port deal for a major campaign contributor who happens to be a dentist, not a port operator, or $60,000 in illegal jet flights? He didn’t pay those little hookers, big deal: does the Secret Service pay theirs? Suddenly that’s a crime? A love for children? Gimme a break.

Subscription satellite television channels, including Sky Sports, will be banned – and thousands may lose the perk of having a TV in their cell.

More could be forced to wear drab grey prison overalls instead of their own clothes.

The right to use pocket money to buy toiletries and sweets in prison shops could be curbed.

Prisoners who have gay relationships in jail will be barred from sharing cells – and even sent to separate jails.

Prisoners who misbehave will forfeit the automatic right to be freed early.

“And in a toughening-up of sentencing policies, Mr Grayling wants to stop people who carry knives for violent purposes from being let off with cautions.

Rape and violence should be prosecuted wherever possible, he says.

Arguably, the harsher prison regime is the most significant change since hard labour and flogging were outlawed in British jails in 1948.”

All of which, of course, brings to mind The SNL routine, Michael Palin visiting host, John Belushi, and friends:

78r: Michael Palin / James TaylorThe Adventures of Miles CowperthwaiteFred Silverman…..John Belushi[ open on graphic: “Family Classics” ]Announcer: Tonight: “Family Classics” continues its second season, with Part II of the new Dickins novel Miles Cowperthwaite.[ dissolve to copy of book resting on tabletop ]Miles Cowperthwaite, by Charles Dickins. As told to Robert Louis Stevenson and Rafael Salbatini.[ hand turns book to first page ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “The wretched birth, miserable childhood, agonizingly painful adolescence, and appallingly vile and degrading death of Miles Cowperthwaite.

[ turns page to Chapter Two ]

Chapter Two: ‘I Am Nailed To The Hull’.

“It having been determined by my benefactor that a term of service at sea would make a man, I accordingly left Pinckley Hall in the company of Captain Ned, and put out from Bristol aboard his ship The Raging Queen.

Captain Ned, I learned from my shipmates, was a very manly, virile, manful person, and a firm believer in strict discipline, corporal punishment, and nude apartment wrestling. How truly strict he was, I learned on our first day out of port, when out First Mate called all hands on deck for an important annoucement.”

[ dissolve onto scenes aboard The Raging Queen ]

[ First Mate Spunk rings the deck bell ]

First Mate Spunk: Alright, please, everybody, please! Welcome aboard The Raging Queen! Now, of course, I can’t possibly introduce everybody, so you’re just going to have to wear your little name tags. And if that’s the worst thing you’ll wear on this voyage, you’re lucky. Now, before I introduce Captain Ned, there’s some quiche over here, some salad, and some banana bread in the bowl, and there should be a brie around, if someone hasn’t eaten it. And now, here is our own Captain Ned!

[ Captain Ned steps up ]

Captain Ned: Thank you, Mr. Spunk. Gentlemen, we have on board a young man whose name is Miles Cowperthwaite! And I have promised his guardian to teach him the man’s life at sea! To show him man’s ports, such as Key West and San Fransisco! I expect him to be treated manfully! Well, Miles, have you anything to say?

Miles Cowperthwaite: [ stsnds, cheerful ] Well.. I’m very grateful for this opportunity, Captain Ned! Up ’til now, my life has been the most degrading, pathetic, soul-destroying, humiliating, awful grovel..

Captain Ned: [ interrupting ] That’s enough, Miles.. [ Miles sits ] Now, men, I run a mans’ ship. I will run it in a manful and masculine way! I will tolerate no men under my command who act in such a way so as to discredit their manhood and manliness! Do I make myself clear?

First Mate Spunk: Three cheer for Captain Ned!

[ the men cheer ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “If there were any doubts as to Captain Ned’s severity, they were quickly dispelled that very afternoon, when a scuffle broke out on deck.”

Sailor #1: You are daft! I’ve been here all morning. Now, run along, you are blocking my sun.

First Mate Spunk: Don’t you give me any back-sass, you tan tease!

[ fight breaks out; Captain Ned intervenes ]

Captain Ned: Is this how men act on a man’s ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I’m afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment!

First Mate Spunk: Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don’t put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.

Captain Ned: Stop! I’ve heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will be punished. Spunk! Take me alone! I want a boiling oil rub..

[ Spunk drags Captain below decks for his punishment ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Having had no seafaring experience, I was surprised at how different the life of a sailor was from what I had imagined. Our day began at dawn, where, after a hearty breakfast, we had punishment ’til lunchtime. After lunch, there was more punishment ’til dinner. After dinner, we would pull up anchor and sail for an hour, then drop anchor again for soem verbal humiliation, followed by evening punishment. I imagine that the crew is quite used to it, for in all my rounds with the ship surgeon, Dr. Pierce, I never once heard a man complain.”

[ Miles follows Dr. Pierce during one of his rounds ]

Miles Cowperthwaite: Sir? I was thinking, wouldn’t we make better progress if we was under sail 14 hours a day, and had punishment only two hours a day, instead of the other way ’round?

Dr. Pierce: Miles, my boy, you have much to learn. Wihout strict discipline, we’d have mutiny on this ship.