An insecure couple, hoping to make friends in their adoptive home of Los Angeles, spend a farcical evening with another random couple, despite being mildly creeped out the whole time. Jason Schwartzman has fun portraying a mysteriously wealthy weirdo — a sort of California guru stereotype — but he can’t carry this movie. Big spoiler: it’s mostly about butts and dicks. Barely watchable.

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Based on a novel by Nick Hornby, four people independently decide to jump off of the same building at the same time, but don’t do it and instead spend the rest of the movie becoming unlikely friends. They also spend the rest of the movie acting like people extremely unlikely to commit suicide. The movie never really develops characters the viewer can believe in or identify with, nor much of a plot, for that matter. About A Boy it ain’t. Barely watchable.

John Turturro and Woody Allen conspire to market Turturro as a gigolo to older women in New York City. This film wants to be an off-beat comedy with just enough raunchiness to make audiences feel like they saw a movie for adults, and just enough heart to make them feel OK about all the raunchy bits. It wants to be that kind of film, but it can’t, it’s just not possible, not when your lead is as creepy as Turturro manages to be. He plays it cool and calm, but instead of coming across as a quiet, kind-hearted soul, he’s got this very unappealing predatory vibe that totally made my stomach turn. The ending, too. It’s terrible, confusing and poorly executed. I also hated the soundtrack, which sounded like it came from a CD pulled of the the discount jazz rack. Watchable, but just barely, so I guess, barely watchable?

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This movie gives me a headache. It looks like a multi-camera sitcom, the dialogue is dumb and humorless, it’s filled with offensive content (Alcohol is OK but other drugs make you crazy? Women kind of like it when you stalk them? The gay stereotypes?) and the plot just revolves around all of these flat characters being in horrible, destructive relationships with each other. (Mare Winningham pines for Rob Lowe whilst he womanizes, Judd Nelson pressures Ally Sheedy to get married, then rapes her in a scene that’s supposed to be comical…WTF?) See, The Cable Guy is a satire that *tries* to be dark and disturbing; this is a wholesome coming of age movie that hits the mark unawares. Barely watchable.

Pier Paolo Pasolini is the kind of director who’s films are immediately identifiable by their grimy, earthy and profane take on classic works of literature. On one piss-drenched hand, “The Canterbury Tales” is a masterpiece of visual and emotional realism. On the other shit-caked hand, the acting can be a little jokey and the overall grossness and dirtiness of the film can be a little too much to bear. The film doesn’t exactly aim to capture what England might have been like in Chaucer’s time, Pasolini takes more than his fair share of artistic liberties, but at the same time it does feels like a film that perhaps Chaucer might have made himself, if he had 1970s filmmaking tools at his disposal, of course. A very good, but very raw and often times gross film. Worth checking out, unless you’re sensitive to people peeing on camera an that kind of stuff in which case, barely watchable.

Butchers Mads Mikkelsen and Nikolaj Lie Kaas find unlikely success when they sell a batch of human meat labelled as chicken. The only problem is…let’s get real here for a second, there are a lot of problems with this situation, and don’t expect the film to address all of them or even the ones that you might think are most pressing, this just isn’t that kind of movie! Ultimately, it’s the story of how two deeply troubled men learn to deal with their problems, but its subject matter is so macabre that it’s impossible to think these characters have learned anything of true value during their rather twisted journey through the meat locker and back. An interesting setup but just not a very good movie. Barely watchable.

There is no good way of describing what this movie is about. On the surface its about the mostly insignificant daily happenings of a group of neighbors in a mostly quiet area of Recife, Brazil. But just below that surface there is something sinister going on that is paradoxically both imperceivable and also somehow weighing on everyone’s conscious. I have no idea what this movie is actually about but a little bit a internet research and some shaky speculation tells me it has something to do with economic disparity. I don’t know…it could be about that…but then again this movie is so cagey about its true intentions. More than anything this film is slow and lacks a traditional narrative structure, so there’s no real ending, no real conflict and no real plot. It’s a pretty film and that fact, along with the hope that at some point everything would come together and make sense (which it didn’t), kept me watching through to the end. It’s hard for me say whether or not I liked this movie so it’s even harder for me to decide how recommendable it is. Based on that solid logic, my rating is this: watch the trailer below and if that doesn’t make you want to see it, just don’t watch it. So there you go, a movie with no real rating. (Pst! In all honestly it’s probably barely watchable but it may be as high as worth checking out, it’s just so hard to decide!)