"International Waters" demarcation line to be redrawn further inland says EU

As much of Britain is now under water the EU has recently ruled that the current international water line must be relocated considerably further inland. A government spokesman briefing a gaggle of welly clad reporters confirmed today that Britain would be taking its case to fight this to the European court of human rights – because it was an affront to the memory of Sir Francis Drake.

“And on a more positive note, the return of all the Afghan specialist IED vehicles with their V shaped bottoms will now be retasked as boats, quashing complaints that we spent ridiculous amounts of money on throw away equipment for vainglorious overseas wars” quipped the spokesman as he stepped nimbly aside to avoid an incoming water bound floater.

Despite this, developments continue apace - already a fleet of Spanish fishing trawlers have been seen cruising up river of Oxford, and reports are coming in that the Argentinian Ambassador to Britain has laid claim to a soggy tump of land still visible across the Somerset levels that some call Glastonbury Torr. The tump was apparently part of the Argentine mainland a couple of thousand years ago, when it was called the Malvernas island (and a source of once clean bottled spring water).

I liked the idea bulldog, I'd definitely say it has potential, but in my view (and my view alone!) it would benefit from more jokes and the maybe the theme of the piece goes off track here and there. Probably also worth re-looking at some of terminology, 'a gaggle of' and 'stepped nimbly aside' might not fit the news report style that NB tends to accept.*