The Top 30 Worst TV Haircuts of All-Time

By JOHN SELLERS

I recently polled everyone I know to come up with a definitive list of the best haircuts ever to appear on television. And by “best,” I mean “worst.” I probably should have just written that in the first place.

Also, I didn’t poll anyone. This is completely my own list, and I have undoubtedly left out a few egregious ’dos; please point out any glaring omissions in the comments section. And feel free to call me out for how my hair looked in my appearance on Beat the Geeks.

But first, a few quick notes about the selection process. Unintentionally terrible haircuts are what I’m counting down here, so greatly discounted are the many ugly shags that are the result of actors and producers hoping to create a “look” for particular characters. This is why Mr. Spock and Paulie Walnuts don’t appear on the list, for example. Also, cartoon characters and other non-humans have been limited to the most ridiculous examples and have been inserted here and there mainly as palate cleansers, while characters from The Simpsons have been banned from consideration out of fear that this would turn into a list entirely comprised of terrible Simpsons haircuts. And in general, hair hubris—the phenomenon that occurs whenever people think their locks are stylish yet they are anything but (yes, we’re talking to you, #1)—scores a lot of points.

And we’re off, like a toupee blowing in the wind!

30. John Stamos (Full House)
It’s hard to believe this vomitus of a haircut was a major factor behind Uncle Jesse blossoming into a sex symbol, but hey, it was the late 1980s.

29. Adam Rich (Eight Is Enough)
Bonus: It doubles as a football helmet.

28. Marina Sirtis (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
If Counselor Troi was truly an empath, then why did she fail to sense how revolted the audience was by the ever-changing bird’s nest on her head?

15. Nancy McKeon (The Facts of Life)
Jo was supposed to be the tomboy, sure, but this mannish mane is worse than every single women’s college basketball coach added together.

14. George Clooney (The Facts of Life)
Even the mask on the wall behind Clooney is laughing. And yet just ten years later, every woman in America wanted to sleep with him.

13. Prince Adam/He-Man (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe)
By the power of numbskull!

12. Adam Curry (MTV)
How was this ever allowed to happen?

11. Gene Shalit (The Today Show)
He’d certainly rank higher on the list of worst TV mustaches of all time, but his amorphous afro has been causing morning sickness since joining The Today Show in 1973.

I’ve been wondering where Kate, what with 8 little kids and all, finds the time to get her hair into these configurations. That’s a lot of product, blow-drying and/or flat-ironing to me. Child neglect!