Tuesday, June 15, 2010

It's Almost Summer! Why Not Take a Vacation?

Amenities include a couch that sleeps one comfortably, a shared bathroom with a sparkling clean toilet, and beautiful views of my neighbors across the street who the other day roasted hot dogs over a burning trash can.

Explore the expansive 20 square foot grounds on foot. You might even spot some local wildlife! Just don't feed her. She bites.

Do you like water sports? The Bethany's Apartment Luxury Hotel and Casino is just steps from the East River. I hope you brought your biohazard suit and snorkel!

Hungry? Enjoy a luxurious meal courtesy of my refrigerator! How does gourmet dry pasta and croutons sound? I also have yogurt! And for dessert, popsicles!

Want to do some gambling? Visit the all-night Crazy Eights table. Or, for the more serious gambler, Go Fish!

Enjoy the night life? Why not drop in at Downstairs Neighbor Night Club and join in on the dance party that goes all night? No cover charge if you sneak in after dark with chloroform!

Need entertainment for the kids? Too bad! They can't come, and I have the poison darts to prove it.

Call for your reservation today at 718-***-****.

AAA discounts are available through bribery.

***Luxury hotel pictured above was used for illustrative purposes only. Bethany's Apartment Luxury Hotel and Casino is far more awesome.

I am interested in renting your property for a wedding next June. Could you please send me more information and your rates?

Please take into consideration that my party will have some special requests to make for the event.

--We will need catering for a formal dinner for 606 people. The opening course must be smoked Hyrulean Loach (caught on property), preferably with a garnish of caviar.

--We will need you to ensure that all elevators measure 20 x 30 square feet or greater, as the bridesmaids will be wearing hoop skirts.

--Can the wild animal on the premises be trained to serve our signature drink, the Black Cat? [http://www.grouprecipes.com/33825/black-cat-cocktail.html] Of course, we would be willing to pay extra for this, and for the custom tuxedo.

--Downstairs Neighbor Night Club should go smoke-free for the evening, for the comfort of our elderly guests.

--And finally, the last time I visited, an ugly man with a distinguished silver moustache told me the tennis courts were under repair. I will need the courts for our spinning dervishes.

What does Lucy have against tuxedos? Well-tailored tuxedos look awesome on women. Well, human women. I have to admit I don't know if I've seen a well-tailored kitty tux. Just tuxedo cats, and they provide their own.