Wednesday, April 20, 2005

HumanityCritic's Tell All Autobiography(Circa 2033)

One of the most frequently asked questions that I get asked from people who attend the shows my band plays, or people in general is "What if you guys blow up and make it big?" That would be nice, but I'm not banking on it for fear of being disappointed. But if we did make it big I would hope that I was a humanitarian and used my resources to fight for what I believed in. Sadly, I can see me having a tell-all book where I talk about the famous women that I was once with. Can't you see it? The year being 2033 which would make me 60 years old, reflecting back on my life and career with a autobiography entitled "Throat Punches and Mouth-Hugs: My Life Bitches! by HumanityCritic". Here are some excerpts from this future autobiography where I describe the women that I once dated.

Mariah Carey: This isn't going to be a bulletin or anything but Mariah is crazy as batshit. For one thing she takes like 25 showers a day, her ass has issues. Not only that she has about 10 "yes women" who compliment her, agree with her, and laugh at all of her jokes. Her main topics of conversation is how great she is, how no other singer can touch her, and how in 20 years her movie "Glitter" will be considered a theatrical masterpiece. I shit you not, she made me and her staff watch that movie at least twice a day. I would call our intimate moments in the bedroom "10 Commandment Sex" because her ass had so many rules. "Don't smack my ass", "Not too hard", "You are wearing 2 condoms right?", "Tell me how great Glitter was", the shit got ridiculous. While we were together she would say silly shit like, "I really can't believe I'm with a black guy. I mean, I have black folks in my videos and producing my music, but to actually have one as a boyfriend is something that I don't do." When I would remind her that she is half-black she would say, "That's right, I keep forgetting about that." When I tried to break it off with her she made me sign a confidentiality agreement saying that I would never speak about our relationship. For good measure she had a few of her goons rough me up outside her place of residence as her and her staff laughed uncontrollably. As I walked off bloody I screamed "Glitter sucked ass bitch!!"(taken from chapter 18 entitled "Nuttier than Squirrel shit". Page 126)

Halle Berry: She was extremely cool at first, a stark contrast from Mariah "Glitter-flop" Carey. She seemed like the perfect girlfriend until her jealousy reared its ugly head. First it was the phone calls, at least one hundred a day. Then she would drive by my house at 3 in the morning to see if I had a woman over. She constantly asked me if I was cheating on her, she shockingly sniffed my genitalia and said, "I know you have been with someone else, don't fucking lie to me!" What in the fuck is that? She was spirited in the bedroom, but I had to laugh when she recited the line from "Monster's Ball" by yelling out "HumanityCritic, Make me feel guuuud!" The sexual experiences aside, I had to let her ass go because she was too possessive and jealous. The last straw was when I called her from my moms house and she didn't believe me so I put my mother on the phone. When my mother said "hello" Halle screamed, "I know this isn't Critic's mother, you fucking my man bitch??" After a thorough cursing out I ended it, she then said that she would trash me in the press and imply that it was all my fault, making her look like spotless. Oh well, what ya going to do?(taken from chapter 20 entitled "Sorry, but B.A.P.S sucked ass" Page 149)

Lauryn Hill: Dating her was cool because we were so in tune musically, and rhyming with her late into the night was nothing short of magic. I can't complain about her that much, but one phrase kept coming out of my mouth when we were together and that was, "Damn, all these fucking kids!!" Every time I said that she wasn't too pleased but that is understandable. She would break into fits of rage when I would tell her that she should hurry up and drop a album. One night when she was singing and playing her guitar and she began to ball uncontrollably.(Where have I seen this before?) She wasn't a fan of my drinking and she would say, "You are poisoning your body with those evil forces, and that negativity is coming through your pores." Shut your ass up and pass the Courvoisier! She let me go but it wasn't a nasty break up. As I walked out the door she gave me a demo of her new album, told me to take care of myself, and politely told me that she was making a song trashing the shit out of me. Thanks a lot Lauryn.(taken from chapter 21 entitled "Stop Fucking!" Page 152)

Erykah Badu: Where do I begin? Erykah was highly opinionated, and she thought she was right and everyone else was wrong.(reminds me of myself) Early on she displayed rather weird behavior that was somewhat troubling. In the bedroom she was rough as hell using chains and whips and shit. She also got off on punching the shit out of me at the exact moment that I climaxed. She walked around with incense in her hand 24/7 and when she read that coffee-shop piece I did she thought I was taking a shot at her. She also kept trying to make me wear extremely weird clothes, ugly ass colors, and true coffee-shop wear. That all stopped when she realized that she wasn't going to change a brother. But let me tell yall something, her vagina has special powers that scientists have to research because without me noticing I was indeed wearing those clothes and doing whatever she said. I now see how she got Common and Andre. I broke away from her evil spell but I still have dreams of her telling me, "You can't escape me HumanityCritic..Hahahahaha". Thats some scary shit.(taken from chapter 23 entitled "Magical Vagina" Page 170)

Queen Latifah: Our relationship was more a intense friendship. We would talk for hours about Hip Hop and life in general, she was very intriguing. Its weird though, I would be on the covers of magazines with her as her new "beau" and she would be on Oprah talking about I was the love of her life, but it wasn't like that at all. For one thing when she kissed me it was on the forehead or the cheek. When I was over her crib she always had me sleep in another room. On top of all that I think she would drug my food because when I would wake up she would be smoking a cigarette saying, "that sex was great" and I never would remember any of it. She was cool though so I won't trash her, its just a shame I can't recall ever seeing those beautiful titties up close and personal.(taken from chapter 24 entitled "Can't a brother get a glimpse of those wonderful titties?" Page 175)

Whitney Houston: OK, OK, Bobby was in Jail and I was desperate, what can I say? But there were some good things about going out with Whitney though. For one thing, Whitney has the best weed in the United States of America, just watch her ass when she rolls it though. Also, Whitney taught me of various places you can shoot up and it not be too obvious. The sex was weird because she would often fall asleep while I was on top of her.(I always said I was a boring lay, but come on) It got out of control when I had to stop a dope dealer from beating her ass, and I had to intervene when Whitney attempted to sell her daughter for a ounce of heroin. I got out of there in no time, but I was worried because I developed a nasty rash as soon as I left her residence.(No worries, Doctor said it was stress. Whoa) Bobby came to my house looking for me but he was so juiced up on crack that when he arrived at my door he forgot why he was there. Poor Bobby.(taken from chapter 25 entitled "Whitney the dope-fein shooting dope, who don't know the meaning of Just saying "No" Page 183)

Serena Williams: I have to admit that when I started dating this cutey I was excited because she had a booty that should be on a soul food menu. She was mad cool, she even appeared in one of my music videos, we had a great time until her family intervened. For one thing I was constantly confronted by Venus and she would accuse me of trying to cause a riff between her and her sister. Her mother would tell me that I wasn't shit so much that I had a flashback of when my father said the same things to me, so mistakenly I mushed her in the face and said "Shut your stupid ass up!" Serena didn't talk to me for a week because of that. She also wasn't pleased that I had to punch her father because he wouldn't pay me the 500 dollars he owed me from a card game.(His ass tried to pull a blade on me!) The last straw was that sex tape that I had secretly made for my personal collection. I didn't know that someone would steal it, and when it went public Serena dumped my ass quick-fast. There is a silver lining though, that porn entitled 'Serve it as Hard as you can" is the biggest selling porn ever.(taken from chapter 27 entitled "Big Butt and a Smile" Page 193)

HC! Even in your imagination you go for the batty ones. Man, you need to stay away from the crazy women. They are like kryptonite. I saw HB on Oprah once and she was looney, I could tell. Years of using my freak-dar to protect my single male friends from evil women have made it easy to spot them.

@ anaon - Derek Jeter is a psuedo black guy, he hardly counts - you blubbery vagina. Nick Cannon is, well, Nick Cannon - as flavorful as rice cakes. Plus, this post was written years before she married Cannon.