Wogan's world

By Terry Wogan

12:01AM GMT 30 Jan 2005

The near hysteria generated by the gloom-mongers of global warming has been somewhat vitiated by a recent report that it was only carbon emissions that were preventing another ice age from overwhelming us. That and the millions of sheep gently breaking wind in New Zealand. Meanwhile, Chinese scientists have calculated that Everest is four inches shorter than we thought. We're all doomed.

Why do all joggers feel it necessary to carry a small bottle of French water as they clutter up the highways and byways? Common-or-garden pedestrians can also be seen with the self-same bottles as they stroll along. Can it be an increased incidence of dehydration brought on by the dreaded global thingy? Or is it the quaint shibboleth that we all need two litres of water a day to keep our eyes sparkling and our complexions fresh and youthful? I'm sure it's the same source that advocates five portions of fruit and vegetables a day. I know somebody who's trying that. He's starving...

The news of the police using shed-loads of tax-pounds in the relentless pursuit of a woman seen gnawing on a Golden Delicious while driving, has brought concern to more than the man on the Clapham omnibus. Many a correspondent has pointed out that the petrol station-bought egg mayonnaise sandwich might have been a softer option for the Boys in Blue. Far easier to spot than an apple, with little need for helicopter observation: the felon invariably has half the contents in his lap. A fair cop.

"It's a fair cop, guv." When did you last hear that from a wrongdoer? More like: "I'm saying nuffink till I've seen me brief." I put it down to that unforgettable scene in The Blue Lamp: Jack Warner as PC George Dixon confronts a thoroughly bad egg, Dirk Bogarde, who's wearing a mask and trilby. Even the bad guys wore hats then. Bogarde's got a gun. "Hand it over son," says Jack, kindly but firmly. Bogarde shoots him, without so much as a "come and get it, copper". The fabric of society has been shredding ever since.