Gein’s Family Giftshop: A Question For Three

We put the same question to all three members of a Fringe trio. This time Gein’s Family Giftshop. The question: What gift would you take home (for yourself or a loved one) from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe?

JIM: I would take home the gift of health. The food I have eaten since being here has mostly come from the back of a van. Burgers, bratwurst, wraps, tatti dogs, and living above a fried chicken shop for the month are massively detrimental to my heart’s well being. So are the two pints per show. When I get home I intend to do what I did last year. Eat nothing but lettuce, drink nothing but water, and go to bed at a reasonable hour for at least a month. That way I can get back my old levels of fitness and continue evading the po-po.

ED: I would take the gift of a working penis. By the end of the festival I will have shown my flaccid penis to over 1000 people (as part of the show you understand). That will have increased the overall number drastically from five and a half (one saw it with her hands) to 1005.5 or, if the last weekend goes well, 1006. The issue I have with this much exposure is that I can no longer feel anything down there, it has become just another prop that I have to take home and wash, ready for the next show.

KATH: As the woman of the group, I’d bring back the bubonic plague that lies in wait in the tunnels under the city, and in some of the free show venues. Sure, it’s deadly; sure it’s likely to wipe out large swathes of humanity; but I’m willing to take a hit on a few aunties and uncles if it diminishes some rival sketch group. It makes sense because we’re the perfect post apocalyptic sketch group, we can live off scrap metal and number plates like sharks. Also, a mini set of bagpipes on a magnet for my parents.

‘Gein’s Family Giftshop: Volume 1’ was co-written by Kiri Pritchard McLean and performed at the Pleasance Courtyard at Edinburgh Festival 2014.