Jay Sherman: Well, I can sink a $50 million musical using only the word "Crap"!

Jay Sherman: Son, if there's one thing I know, it's how to read a woman. For example, that woman over there thinks I'm disgusting, and that woman thinks I'm Bigfoot! And that woman is wondering if she should call the cops to have me thrown out of the school.

Jay Sherman: At last, I've found my biological mother, I can finally undo years of psychological scarring! All that's left now is my failed marriage, my blood curdling senior prom, and the trauma of my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country.

So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder.

From Miserable

Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal.

From Miserable

Alright...I do have a way with women...over 60....

From A Little Deb Will Do Ya

My shrink was right. God does hate me!

From Pilot

This film gets my highest rating: 7 out of 10.

From A Little Deb Will Do Ya

Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!

From Eyes on the Prize

I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go.

From Eyes on the Prize

So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots.

From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera

Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there.

From Uneasy Rider

Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)

From A Pig Boy and His Dog

I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause)Bashful.

From Dr. Jay

I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?

I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week.

From Sherman, Woman and Child

(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too.

From Lady Hawke

(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out,﻿ can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie.

Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?

From Marathon Mensch

(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!

From Sherman of Arabia

(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a.

(On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes.

From Dial "M" For Mother

Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!

From Eyes on the Prize

I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and beg you to come back to work for me again. But then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check.

From Eyes on the Prize

(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?

From Every Doris Has Her Day

I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kane's last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!"

From Dr. Jay

That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!

From All The Duke's Men

(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe.

From Dr. Jay

(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!

From Sherman, Woman and Child

Make him SQUEAL!

From A Pig Boy and His Dog

Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!

From All The Duke's Men

Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!

From All The Duke's Men

What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!

From Every Doris Has Her Day

(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire.

(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"

From Sherman, Woman and Child

Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick."

From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice

Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak.

From Lady Hawke

Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement.

From All The Duke's Men

I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job.

New York Post Editor: Now if you want to work here at the New York Post, you must know that we insert the following words into every headline: headless, nude, sewage, and governor. For instance, Subway Fares Raised becomes Headless Governor Found Nude in Subway Sewage.

Gene Shalit:(On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window.

From Marty's First Date

Orson Welles:Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts poping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah.

From Eyes on the Prize

Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)

From Eyes On The Prize

Keanu Reeves:(In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?

From Eyes on the Prize

Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end.

Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!