Friday, April 7, 2017

It’s
November 8 as I am writing this column. And I am having flashbacks to the same
date 5 years ago. The day that I moved from Amsterdam to Turkey, for the love
of my life. I remember that my best friend and I went to a concert that night,
just a few hours before my flight. She got tickets for Volkan Konak, a Turkish
folks singer, and his song ‘yarim yarim’ will somehow forever be connected to
this particular time and place in my life. We had to skip the last 10 minutes
of the concert to make it to the airport on time. It was past midnight already.
I remember the goodbyes from my dear friends and the kind man at custom
services who asked me if I were alright. The blurred Schiphol by night view
from my little airplane window, because of the rain and the tears. Sad and
happy tears, all mixed up, tasting salty and sweet. That was the night that I
flew into the first sunrise of my new life. The night that I cut some
significant roots that I had grown over the past years and had become attached
to. The night that home changed from
a place into a person.

Another
thing that I will never forget is what had brought me to this particular point
in life. It wasn’t a rational decision or a calculated one, based on the pro’s
and con’s of who should make the move. Neither was it a desperate one, based on
running high emotions. No, it wasn’t
even a decision at all when you think of it. It was more like an insight, like
a knowing. A silent, unexpected knowing, coming from out of nowhere, filling my
inner self the way a perfume fills the air. Subtle yet unmistakably.

The ‘should
I move to Alanya’ question had been on my mind for quite a while back then. And
I just didn’t know what to do. At first I was afraid that I might regret it.
Afraid that I might be giving up too much in return for it. So I asked myself
what to do over and over again. I listened to other people’s opinions and I
searched for signs. For a breadcrumb trail of any kind that would lead me into
the right direction.

And then,
one day, the answer came, word for word, written down by Elif Shafak in her
wonderful book ‘The Forty Rules of Love’. We had just published the book at
Penguin Books and my colleague had reserved me a copy. I came to a passage in the book where Shams
of Tabriz says the following:

“Fret not where the road will take you.
Instead concentrate on the first step. That’s the hardest part and that’s what
you are responsible for. Once you take that step let everything do what it
naturally does and the rest will follow. Do not go with the flow. Be the flow”.

It was as
if this particular part had been written just for me. As if the letters and
words bounced right off the page and penetrated every single cell of my being. Focus on the first step and nothing else.
I could do that. I could just move. I
could go and be where my heart wants me to be. Without considering all the what
if’s and all the possible consequences. Everything else would need to do what
it naturally does. And I will be a part of it. I will be flow with it. And so
that’s how I came to live here. By trusting these wise words that I still live
by and my inner voice. I took the first step, and everything else worked out
for itself in ways far, far better than I could ever plan or expect myself.
Yes, there are hiccups and struggles included, because how could they not be.
But no regrets. Not even one. Just flow.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

All relationships are
special and unique in their own ways. But there is something about mixed
culture relationships that makes them stand out in a way and make people who
meet the couple curious. Everyone is interesting in the story of how those two
met? And what about all the cultural differences, how do you handle them? Are
you guys happy? And most of all, though rarely asked in a direct way, how do
you make it work?

Being one half of a
culturally mixed couple, I have heard these questions many times. And I get it.
Not only do couples in mixed relationships go through the same hiccups and
struggles like any other couple does, they are also facing a lot of challenges
that come with combining two cultures in their relationship. Challenges like
speaking different languages and the struggle to find a way to express yourself
in a language other than your own. Or having grown up in a different culture
and with a different mentality than your partner, which can lead to small and
big misunderstandings. Or liking different foods. And believing in different
rituals, possibly even having another religion. And other ways and habits of
doing things. And on top of all that, in some cases, there is also the ultimate
test of long distance. Boy, this can be a tough one to master. The missing, the
uncertainty, the phone calls and the ‘why the heck is he not answering?’. It’s all part of it. The ‘when can I come
visit’ and the ‘please come visit as soon as you can’. Those who’ve been there
know exactly what I’m talking about. And I know that there is quite a few of
you among my readers because this is, after all, the story of Alanya. That
little place in southern Turkey by the Mediterranean Sea, where East End boy
meets West End girl.

All this can add up to the
feeling of having to ‘work harder’ than others to make such a relationship
work. Especially on the outside it may look like that. But let me tell you from
firsthand experience that there is a little twist to that. These challenges and
struggles happen to be more than just that. At the same time they are also the
best thing about it. They are the thrill and the excitement for all the same
reasons and exactly why it works. Learning a language surely isn’t a piece of
cake. It’s difficult and it can be immensely frustrating. But when you do it
out of love it becomes so much more fun and easier. Suddenly you really want to speak that language and
understand everything. The language gives you more insight into your partner’s
background, family and culture and what he’s talking about on the phone too.
Plus it’s fun to share the learning process. Helping each other to become
better strengthens the bond.

And all those cultural and
mentality differences? There comes a point when you start to realize that they
are actually eye and mind opening experiences to you. Not only do they add more
color and more layers to your perception of life, but they also show you that
there is different ways of doing things and your personal understanding and opinions
might change profoundly. You are more willing of simply accepting what is,
instead of expecting things to be as they should. You quit comparing everything
in judgmental terms of better and worse.

Yes, the learning curve is
steep and sometimes overwhelming but it’s exciting at the same time. Tasting
new food and discovering a new country. Meeting new people and its cities. And
being introduced to other ways of believing and praying. As Rumi says so beautifully: there are a thousand
ways to kneel and kiss the ground. It makes you realize two very important
things in life: how unique we all are and how much alike we are at the same
time.

And because the one and
only reason for being on this amazing adventure is the love of your life, you
are willing to plunge right into it. It opens you up and teaches you to be more
flexible, to be comfortable outside of your own comfort zone and to become
better at compromising. As long as there is plenty of love and blessing and
gratitude, all of these challenges don’t feel so much like hard work but more
like an invitation to new adventures. And that my dear ones is the beauty of
mixed relationships.

Dear
ones, it’s too warm this afternoon to have deep thoughts and compose them into
a column. And besides that the TV in the background is distracting me with
ongoing news about Greece and the referendum. Europeans certainly learned how
to spell the word ‘no’ in Greek today.

As
I was going through some old boxes and stuff the other day, trying to do some
proper cleaning up, I came across a piece of paper from my Turkish language
classes at Tömer from back in 2011 that really made me smile. So I am sharing
it with you here, guessing you will read it with a smile too. We were supposed
to learn the Genis Zaman (present tense) in Turkish so we got a copy of some
sentences to practice with. And in days where everywhere in the world the
concepts of gender and feminism are being subject to countless discussions in
an attempt to redefine them, this little list shamelessly, carelessly and
hilariously confirms all of the gaps and the clichés between men and women
without probably even being aware of it. It sums up some of the advantages of
being a man or woman, as perceived in this country. Needless to say that this
list and its ‘gender-mender who cares?’ kind of attitude is a bit exaggerated
and obviously meant as a joke. The text, of course, was in Turkish so I
translated it into English here.

We are lucky to be men

- We
are charismatic! - It’s
easy for us to open jars.- We
can walk on the streets without a bag- On
warm days we can take off our shirts- We
only need a small bag for a 5 day holiday- Chips,
coke, chocolate.. we can eat everything without having to worry- We
can solve the problems with our girlfriend with one rose- We
can have a conversation over the phone within 30 seconds- We
can wear 2 pairs of shoes to 20 different occasions and no one will notice- We
pay small prices at hairdressers- We
can shave, shower, get dressed and leave the house within 10 minutes- The
colours in our face are real and can’t be washed off with water.- We
can walk alone on the streets at night

We are lucky to be women- We
are beautiful!- We
can make our own food.- We
can extend our length with 10 cm by wearing high heels- We
don’t have naked baby pictures in our albums- We
can use make-up to cover up a pimple- We
don’t snore!- We
can easily find our socks- We
can get into a club without a partner- Men
say “Behind every successful man stands a woman”- We
can easily remember the special dates in our life.- We
can cry in the cinema and be comfortable about it.- We
can color our hair in every color- And…
we can be mothers.

To all you strong and charismatic
beings from Mars and all you beautiful beings from Venus, who are always well
behaved, even in your sleep: I hope you will enjoy your summer, meeting each
other and hanging out together. And let me know if there is anything you would
like to add to this fabulous list.

It’s late in the evening as I am trying to collect my
thoughts and write a column. But my thoughts are somewhere else tonight. I am
thinking about my dear sister. Today is the day that she moved to Oslo to start
a new life together with her boyfriend. It hasn’t been an easy decision, but it
was one that she was looking forward to nonetheless. She just arrived at her
new home a few hours ago, which I have yet to visit. I hope that she will be
happy there. I hope that this new chapter in her life will turn out to be everything
that she imagines it to be. And though we never know what will happen down the
road, one thing I know for sure: if love
is calling, we must answer. Because chasing love is chasing happiness. And
isn’t that the greatest chase of all? The ultimate journey. The power that
moves us all. If we fall in love, whether it’s
with a person, a place, a job or a country, we must move for it. Without
minding risks nor fear too much. Because ignoring that inner pull is no option,
it will only make us feel miserable. The real
change has already taken place inside of us long before we actually take action
to make the visible changes like packing, quitting our job, selling the home
and so on. The real change happened right the moment we fell in love. Which
already is the point of no return right there. Staying and trying to keep
things as they were before out of fear of the unknown is pointless.. everything
has already changed anyway. You are
changed. And everything that was part of your normal life up until the moment
you fell in love is different now. Transformed. Pushing you into a new
direction, taking you on a new adventure.
Moving for love is always right thing to do. Living in Alanya I am reminded of
this every day by the people around me. This is what some many of us who live
here have done, including myself. And yet, this love may not be forever. It may
even end as swiftly and as suddenly as it entered your life. It may last only for
a while or for just one year, or for whatever the amount of time it was needed
to fulfill its purpose. Maybe it turned out to be only a romance. Maybe you
came here to let the sunshine warm up your soul for as long as you needed. Maybe the beaches and the nature gave you the
piece you were seeking, so you could to return to your old situation with fresh
energy and new insights. Maybe you needed to fill up your heart with fun and
laughter and music and food until you felt nourished again in every way. Love
is love. And just because it didn’t last doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. Love
isn’t measured by its length but by its capacity to touch you and to change
you. Profoundly and undeniably. Moving for love is not irresponsible. It’s not
naïve. And it’s certainly not crazy. It’s for the strong and the brave. For those
who in all honesty dare to admit that this is what it’s all about. Who
understand that this is the stuff that makes the world go round and keeps us
moving forward day after day. If love is not worth all of our courage, what is?
If it’s not love that we are seeking, then what are we running after? Love
moves us as much as we move for love.

I am writing this column sitting in the sun on my
balcony while my little boy is taking his afternoon nap. There’s a fresh breeze
today coming from the mountains. On the table nothing but my laptop, a bowl of
sweet strawberries for a snack and a glass of water. Nothing fancy but for some
reason this delicious simplicity surrounding me gives me a sense of luxury and
happiness that I can’t explain.

And the more I reflect on this the more I realize how
much more simple yet luxurious my life is now than it was about 5 years ago
when I was still living in Amsterdam. It seems like a paradox considering what
I gave up there to start a new life in Alanya. But it’s not. It all makes sense
once you understand that the truest definition of success lies in finding your own happiness. And knowing what living a
happy life looks like to you and
being able to pursue it, is what I call a real luxury.

As society we seem to be redefining luxury. We are
shifting away from wanting things and towards wanting experiences. We don’t
necessarily want to own luxury but we
want to experience it. This is
becoming very visible in our social media networks where thousands and
thousands of pictures are being uploaded every single day of people sharing
their personal experiences. It can be everything from a colourful cocktail on a
tropical beach to dinner with friends or a bouquet of pretty flowers. Luxury is
hiding in all the daily details and it’s up to us to transform everyday life
moments into something special. You can gulp down your hot morning coffee in a
hurry on the way to work or you can take a few minutes to enjoy a really good
coffee, with perfect foam, savoring its aroma, drinking it from your favorite
mug.

In our busy modern day lives, anything getting close
to enjoying the good and simple life is called a luxury. Taking a dive into the
sea after work. Biting into a freshly picked tomato still warm from the sun. A
pretty cupcake. A road trip along the coast for a few days. It’s interesting
how this notion has turned the concept of luxury into something surprisingly
inclusive and often inexpensive opposed to the old definition of luxury, which
was rather exclusive and only given to a few who could afford it. The fact that
luxury now is much more ‘makeable’ and affordable to a bigger crowd than it
used to be might be an alarming development for the elite of older generations,
but it’s definitely good news for everyone else.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we no longer want to have
nice things. A great car, a beautiful apartment, a pool in the garden and the
newest gadget. These things probably will forever be wanna-haves to most
people. But many of us no longer accept to live an overscheduled, overworked
life in order to get those things, sacrificing our personal well-being and a
chance for traveling, discovering, adventure and quality time for it. Defining
luxury only by what car you drive or the brands you wear has become too superficial
and incredible boring too if you ask me. It just doesn’t cover it anymore,
especially if you need to compromise your personal happiness for it. I saw this
quote online once, it’s from Leontyne Price, and it said: ‘the ultimate of
being successful is the luxury of giving yourself the time to do what you want
to do’. Beautiful words to live by.

Hello to
all you dear ones. Welcome back at my little corner in this beautiful magazine.
I’m looking forward to a new season in Alanya and to talking with you about all
things big and small in life that keep our minds and hearts occupied as we
float through 2015.

April
always feels a bit like New Year’s Day around here in a way. There is many ways
to count a year. At work a year begins and ends with the calendar. For students
a year is divided into semesters. If you are pregnant or parents to a baby, you
count every month. For children, the seemingly endless amount of time that goes
into one year is marked by birthdays, Christmas, Bayram, happy events and of
course summer break. But if you live in Alanya, the year is divided into two
big parts, the summer season and the winter season. And with the beginning of
the summer season everything feels fresh and new and full of possibilities
again. Much like January 1st. There is renovation work going on
everywhere in town, new tourists will come and old ones will come back. New
friendships are being made and many will fall in love here, something that
seems inevitable in our little town. ‘It must be something in the water’ as
they say around here. Whether it’s the water, the sunshine, the beautiful surrounding
or the locals working their charms, or maybe a combination of all of these
things, it’s definitely attractive to so many tourist visiting every year.

In the warm
and bright light of the new season, I wanted to share with you my idea of
making plans and resolutions for the new year ahead. 2015 is still young and so
it’s not too late to think about what you want to archive this year. Because we
all want to start new beginnings with the best intentions at heart. We plan to
be more successful, to lose weight before summer comes, to live healthier and
do more sports, quit smoking, earn more money, travel more, buy a house, a car
or whatever it is you want to purchase. And as the months roll buy the goals we
set kind of disappear in the distance and we feel a bit embarrassed when we
have to admit that we kind of lost the motivation to chase them. This is why
resolutions, expressed in a single specific goal, don’t work if you ask me.
They often lead to frustration and excuses. I have discovered some years ago
that it is much more effective and satisfying if you pick a word instead of a
goal. Just one word, that you can apply to every area of colorful life. It can
be anything you want, as long as it’s positive and constructive. Think of words
like creativity, ambition, growth, renovation, service, change, love, travel, educating
yourself and so on. Come up with one word that you want to represent how you
approach things in your life and remind yourself of this word as you go along. Honor
this word and give it your best intention. Use it with honesty. For example
last year, my personal word was dedication. As a new mom, I dedicated myself
completely to the tasks of motherhood and family life. But I also applied the
word to other areas in my life like maintaining my friendships and taking care
of my good health the best way I could. This year I chose a new word. It is
manifestation. And by that I mean doing things right away rather than
postponing them. Daily tasks as well as the big stuff. There are some things on
my mind that I have been planning and talking about quite a lot but just didn’t
do them yet. And I know it’s time for me to kick my own butt and just get going
when I get tired of hearing myself talking about my plans without actually
doing much about it. So this new season I want to be all about manifesting a
dream or two and I intend to do much more of walking the walk rather than just
talking the talk. Word! What is your new word going to be?

It’s the
last month of the year, the last magazine and a last little word from me here
before 2014 ends. Therefore I would like to say a little word of gratitude
before the clock strikes 12 and all eyes will be on 2015. We may not celebrate
Thanksgiving in Europe but when looking back at a whole year that has passed, we
automatically reflect on all the things that we are thankful for.
It makes us
realize how much we have been given and how rich we really are. It’s all about
the simple yet most valuable things in life that aren’t actually ‘things’, like
having a loving family and dear friends, a good health, a cozy home and all the
things we get to do that excite us, that nourish our soul and that make us prosper
and grow on a personal level. One of my thank you’s here goes out to Cindy, for
giving me this crispy white page in her magazine to fill with all that I want
to write about. It’s a beautiful way of
sharing thoughts and stories with you. And I am equally thankful for you, dear readers, you who read my
columns every month and who like them and comment on them, who let me know that
you enjoy reading them. I enjoy hearing from you just as much. But also those
of you that I don’t hear or see and who simply like to just take a few moments
to read this column before going on with your daily life, thank you for doing
so. As much as a violin wants to be played, a heart wants to be touched and a
cake wants to be eaten, written words just want to be read. So thank you for doing
exactly that and for actively or silently taking part in a little journey to
somewhere together.

I’ll be
driving home for Christmas soon (are you hearing the tune?) to spend the
holidays with my family in France. I am a December child and I love Christmas.
We have always celebrated a traditional Christmas in my family and growing up
in Germany the Christkind used to
bring some real magic into our home. Now that I’m a mother myself I would love
to pass this beautiful tradition on to my son. But living in Turkey that’s a
bit harder said than done. Though Christmas is much about gifts and food and
cookies and looking all dressed up, I also want him to experience and
understand the ‘real’ Christmas, not only the ‘gimmie an iPad’ kind of Christmas.
And my parent’s place in a small village in the mountains of France with snow
and a tree and all is a great place for that. Though I’m afraid it’s going to
be everything but silent nights holy nights since we’re dealing with some
serious teething at the moment, but it will definitely be jingle all the way. And
I’m already looking forward to it. Weather you will be celebrating Christmas or
not, I want to wish you all a beautiful December month wherever you are and a
very Happy New Year!