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A few years ago, during my first Ayahuasca journey, I was shown the image of a sword. I’d never seen anything like it before. It was a work of art, beautifully silver and encrusted with jewels and crystals. I understood that this was not a weapon of destruction; it was the sword of love, cutting through all illusion. The sword of the Feminine.

I think about this sword often. Sometimes I feel it as an etheric presence behind or above me. The image was/is so pristine and powerful, merely remembering it brings me comfort and relief. The sword itself is a remembrance of something I intuitively understand but can’t quite articulate.

It’s interesting to think about the sword now, because my perceptions of the Divine Feminine and Masculine are shifting. I’m realizing that I don’t actually know what the Divine Feminine and Masculine are. It’s kind of humorous and humbling to admit that, because I’ve written about these concepts numerous times on my blog.

shakti’s garden by sonja picard

For several years, I took part in women’s circles and gatherings. And during my Kundalini Yoga teacher training, I had many ideas for women’s workshops. But something happened earlier this summer. I went off most social media and entered major hermit mode. I had no desire to participate in or facilitate women’s gatherings. I actually felt hostile to the idea. I found myself going within to what seemed like a very frustrated, depressed place. Was this self-sabotage? Fear of change? Remnants of ancient patterns? Addiction to familiar emotions?

I realized that despite all the work, at my core I didn’t feel anything ‘Divine Feminine’ about myself. How could I then encourage the divine in others, or see the divine in men? It’s not that I felt like a fraud…but ‘Divine Feminine’ and ‘Divine Masculine’ had become concepts I’d used and heard so many times that they no longer held meaning for me. I had thought that these spiritual principles, and others, transcended duality – but perhaps they just reinforced it.

I do believe in a Divine Feminine and Masculine essence within each one of us, which we project outward to co-create reality. But experiencing our essence is a deep and personal journey that goes beyond ‘spiritual’ or new age concepts (e.g., idealized depictions of gods and goddesses). And it takes time. Humanity has run on certain archetypes and beliefs for eons; some are loving and some are not. Can we create new archetypes, and are we ready to?

There is tremendous power in women’s circles, and I know these will re-emerge in my life, in some form, when the timing feels right. I know I don’t have to have all the answers, because I never will (and that’s so not the point). I also think more men’s groups and retreats would be very helpful. The men I know who’ve participated in such groups embody something that is truly…well, ‘divine’ is the word that comes to mind.

I believe the sword of the Feminine is guiding me to her truth and essence, which is in harmony with the Masculine. That harmony creates something new, beyond the labels and categories of duality.

We have seen so much of humanity’s darkness coming to the surface this year. I have my thoughts on the force of patriarchy, but I don’t want that to keep the ‘us against them’ dynamic alive in my psyche. I have observed the darkness within myself and, as uncomfortable as it’s been, it does feel like my process is creating more space within.

The challenge for me is to remain open and trusting in this space, not wanting to immediately fill it with anything, even ‘love’ or ‘light’ (which can be further conceptualizations of the mind). The space itself is highly intelligent, and from this place we can create relationships beyond what we’ve ever known.

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” Pema Chödrön

My Kundalini Yoga teacher training program begins soon and I’ve been feeling major butterflies. I’ve attended many courses, workshops, and retreats over the years…but I’ve never felt quite so anxious about a training! It’s a bit surreal that it’s actually happening – for ten years I’ve thought about becoming a KY teacher, and the day is here.

The first module takes place over five days at a small Inn about an hour away from where I live. My monkey mind sounds something like this: What’ll the accommodations be like? How come the organizer hasn’t confirmed the carpool situation? [Maybe I annoy her.] Should I ask her again? [No, that’ll annoy her even more.] What’s the bathroom situation there? Who am I sharing a room with? What if they snore? [Don’t forget the earplugs.] Will there be wifi? [I kinda hope not.] Will there be coffee? [I’ll bring my own.] I hope we don’t listen to Snatam Kaur all day. I hope this isn’t a waste of money. I hope it doesn’t matter that I can’t do Stretch pose for more than 3 seconds.

Yeah…

I’m observing this chatter with as much detachment and compassion as possible. It’s my system on overdrive, fearing the unknown and wanting to control everything it can to feel safe. My ego is on alert. It knows the training will confront the very things that keep it alive.

Kundalini Yoga is the next step in my journey into myself. My spiritual exploration has always been influenced by many different paths and traditions, and it probably always will be. But right now I’m feeling the need for more focus. To experience the depth of one practice, rather than skim the surface of many.

I’ve generally associated commitment with being ‘locked in’ to something, especially when it comes to spirituality. I’m ready to look at this differently. It could be very beautiful to devote myself to something, and to have structure, discipline, and a supportive community around me. Perhaps I won’t feel bound, but anchored.

I’ve also been experiencing some deep stirrings lately surrounding womanhood, sisterhood, and self-expression. These past couple of weeks I’ve been coughing and my throat’s been tickling – but I know I’m not sick. It’s like I want to say things I’ve never said before. Something is glimmering and awakening here, but I don’t yet have the words.

I saw the opening quote to this post a few days ago, and it’s stuck with me. Under all the nerves, I trust that I have been led to this point. A few months ago, I didn’t know I’d move from my hometown to this Island, and that a Kundalini Yoga teacher training program would be offered here.

I didn’t know that one of the soul sisters I met at a powerful women’s circle in the Spring of 2014 would be living just five minutes away from the training site. During that circle, she provided me with a sisterly love and comfort I’d never experienced before. And this past week she’s been there for me again. Clearly we planted some seeds at that gathering…

My curiosity is building as this new chapter begins. There’s nothing left to do but show up, relax, and take it all in with an open mind and heart.