Wednesday, April 24, 2013

It’s not
Valentine’s Day or anything, thank God, but I was inspired by a question the
moderator asked one of the panels at the NYC Teen Author Festival last month. The
question for these YA writers: what was their favorite type of romantic
relationship to write? They came up with a bunch of the expected ones, like
love at first sight, and also hate at first sight.

The
thing about romance is, even if you don’t write Romance, the genre—even if you like to write about aliens or DNA
splicing or magic or state-run gladiatorial games for children—a lot of the
time there still ends up being at least one romantic relationship in a YA
novel.

The
panel got me thinking about this topic, but I owe any knowledge I may have on
the subject to the huge chunk of my life wasted in front of the TV, along with
my vast expertise with the Regency Romance Novel. There are about six basic
Regency plots, all of them culminating in a nauseatingly romantic happy ending.

When you
actually think about it, there are only a few main categories of story love—and
sometimes they overlap (like Bella and Edward, for example, are not only
star-crossed but also insta-love—if you count his being in love with the way
her blood smelled or whatever). But here are the main ones I’ve spotted:

1) Best
friend love

This was
a popular one that got mentioned on the panel—someone said, “Oh, like Andy and
Duckie from Pretty in Pink!, and
everyone went, “Awwww.” But then the same person who said this type was their
favorite was also swooning over
Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life,
and I was like, if she really always
rooted for the best friend, then she’d have been swooning over Brian Krakow.

City of Bones would have this kind of
story if Simon had ended up with Clary. It’s not the most popular one by
far—probably because the best friend isn’t usually
a warrior, a bad boy, a werewolf—or any other category of intriguingly
dangerous fellow.

2)
Love at first sight

A lot of
bloggers deride this one as Insta-Love (or maybe that’s just the criticism for
love at first sight that’s not believable).

Because
meeting somebody and being like, yep,
done! Calling it—it’s love! is so terribly believable. You know, ever.

3) Hate
at first sight

I
remember who brought this one up—my fellow New Leafer Kody Keplinger. And after
I read the first few pages of her debut, The
DUFF, I could certainly see why. In this version, the
pair fight until they figure out, wait—we don’t actually hate each other...

I grew
up with a version of this which I’ll call The Han Solo variation. Just like Han
and Leia, in this one the two don’t exactly hate each other, but they don’t
quite see eye to eye. And they squabble and argue and talk over top of each
other in a completely adorable way until finally: love. All my favorite 80s
shows like Scarecrow and Mrs. King
and Moonlighting featured the HSV. My
devotion to this story type probably ruined my life, leading me to dismiss any
male whose personality failed to annoy me as a non-viable option.

4)
Star-crossed

This one
is the bedrock of fantasy and paranormal amore. These two shouldn’t be together
because of some fundamental roadblock. He’s a Montague and she’s a Capulet. She’s
a human and he’s an alien. He’s the prince of a rival Faerie kingdom. He’s a
vampire and she’s lunch. This is the stuff of the Epic Love Affair, the trope
that launched a thousand ships (of the Tumblr variety). It works a little less
well in Real Life. Possibly because there are so few faeries and vampires and
Capulets.

5)
Unrequited love

I love
the metaphor for this one: “carrying a torch” because it sounds awkward, heavy,
and like it will probably lead to at least second-degree burns, which sounds
about right. I’m a complete sucker for this one, especially the Noble Governess
variety. Even if you’re not into Regencies, you know the type. She’s pretty but
you don’t notice her right away. She’s not as obvious as that other chick he thinks he’s into, until he gets to know the N.G. She’s smart. She’s
capable. Maybe she’s got a great sense of humor. Give the guy two hundred or so
pages. He may be a little slow, but eventually he’ll figure it out.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Last week’s Entertainment Weekly featured an article
about a huge showdown coming this Memorial Day.

Fans of the impressive
muscles and distinct gravelly growl of Vin Diesel—try not to faint. There WILL
be a sixth Fast & Furious movie
coming to a multiplex near you! And, the very same weekend, you can also see
the third Hangover movie. Which one
will moviegoers pick? This is so exciting. It’s on!

The plot of F&F is going to involve high-octane
car chases. Some very attractive people will drive impossibly fast and at some
point they will yell at each other. There will also be guns. I didn’t read an
advance review or anything—I’m just that good at predicting things.

The plot of the original
movie was wafer-thin: a boyishly handsome undercover cop tries to bust some
street racers. Possibly I should be impressed that the minds behind this series
have managed somehow to spin that premise into SIX films. Confession time: I’ve
seen most of these. I skipped the one that had to do with sliding the cars
sideways, I think in Japan. I don’t
think that one even had the original cast in it. I rather like Vin
Diesel—there’s a reassuring continuity about his performances. And Paul Walker
is very cute and an also an adorably bad actor, sort of like a blond, less
confused-looking Keanu Reeves. The fifth fast/furious movie made it onto my
Netflix cue, but I didn’t make it past the half hour mark. I’m not sure they
were working from an actual script, containing, you know, plot elements. It all
just seemed like a jumble of testosterone and motor oil.

And yet. Six movies, a
bajillion dollars...something about that formula works. As for its release-date
competitor, the first iteration of The
Hangover was damn funny. It wasn’t War
and Peace, but not everything has to be (thank God). I saw the second one,
and my own humble opinion: I’m calling played-out on this series. But who
knows—it’s really all about the story.

I'm dying at how perfect this tagline is.

Memorial Day is a big
weekend, and I’m sure a lot’s at stake. So the studios are going for the known
quantity. I also read in the same EW about a lot of VFX studios closing. Times
are tough. And they wouldn’t make this stuff if lots of someones didn’t buy it.

Formulas that work are
all the rage—and probably not going anywhere. The trick may be to put a
slightly new spin on something that a lot of people already like. I heard
somewhere that film studios these days all want to get there second. The next—new—big thing is also a
big risk. But if you can get in with a creatively knocked-off second hit,
before the trend is played out, it’s all puppies and rainbows and lots and lots
of money.

For the rest of us who’ll
be skipping the lines for this Memorial Day’s refreshingly derivative options,
at least there’s the beach. And Netflix, if it rains.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

It is apparently now required to document one’s
escapades/posing ability daily on Instagram and Facebook. In some Greek
organizations it seems as though it might even be mandatory. Certain sororities
also appear to be very strict about the throwing up of the organization’s hand signals. Maybe they can even communicate this way when geographically separated--like lifeguards on a beach. But as I think about it, it’s probably only the social media aspect that’s new here. I can
vaguely recall sophomore year a few friends who went Greek behaving very much
as I imagine new cult members behave, at least for the first year or so of
their membership.

2. Fancy-ness

I went to college in the
era of Grunge. We wore a lot of flannel. In my senior year college portrait I’m
sporting a pair of jeans paired with a denim
shirt. It seemed to make sense at the time. I was also wearing big clunky
boots—I look as though I’m all set for a day of spot-welding. Girls today are not all about the practical shoes. Even at my
school’s eighth grade graduation, the thirteen year olds teeter to the podium
in four-inch heels. I do not envy girls today. I got to walk comfortably
through my twenties. I may have looked
like a lumberjack doing it, but at least I wasn’t the only one.

She could be a farmer in those clothes.

When I used to chaperone
school dances as a young teacher, I’d be the only one in flats: I felt like Tai in Clueless when she shows up in her
sensible clothes and all the Beverly Hills girls are more dressed up than her
even though they’re in gym class.

3. Sticker price

I had a student a couple
of years ago who applied to about nine hundred colleges (also different from my
friends and I back in the day—we each applied to an average of three—but that
may have been just my hometown). At any rate, she applied to my alma mater, and
it was the most expensive one in her book. If it cost that much back then, I might
have had to take up spot-welding on the side just to pay for it.

4. Delusion

I went all through
college working hard and thinking of my future success in vague terms...I
wanted to write, I thought it would be swell to create my own TV show...but I
never doubted the success part. I think being a child of the eighties instilled
in me a blind and unreasoned faith in my future prosperity. This unrealistic
worldview combined with a recession in the mid-nineties to allow my dream of
becoming a full-time substitute teacher to become a reality. I also drove straight from
that job most days to an evening of clerking at Borders (RIP). In between I ate
fast food in my car.

I think kids today have
grown up hearing about the crummy economy so much they are probably less
deluded about how tough it can be out there. So, if they do end up having to
move back in with their parents, like I did, at least it won’t come as a
complete surprise.

5. Technology

This one is sort of Captain
Obvious. None of my students seem all that enthralled with the epic story of
how I navigated all of college with only a Smith Corona Electric Typewriter, though, so
I won’t recount it here. I'll only say, young ones of today, before you tell your teacher
about your computer problems, just imagine trying to move blocks of text while
squinting at a four-line liquid-crystal display, or pressing the up arrow for
about half an hour if you forgot your heading.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

On Friday, April 5, my school hosted my launch party for THAT TIME I JOINED THE CIRCUS--and it was awesome! So many people turned up...we had a balloon twister, acrobat, and some amazing face painting. The circus snacks included hot dogs and popcorn. I signed so many books--and no one said no to a circus sticker!

Circus party!

Love that they started reading AT the party!

I did not try this

Jacki with balloons and friends...

So amazing to share my book launch with so many friends, colleagues, students, and even lots of former students!