I find it weird to hear a red headed Italian say that her family’s from Ireland.

Why do hookers never immediately head for the hills when their johns have scary looking houses?

If the hooker you have chosen for the night uses the word “flabbergasted” at least once during the evening, tip her handsomely.

How much does it cost to have your entire living room done in renaissance frescoes?

Alan’s Aunt Agatha is clearly 10-15 years his junior.

The medium holding the séance has an afro that rivals Pam Grier’s in “Coffy.”

Evelyn is one hot-ass ghost.

To-Do-List entry #117: go to a strip club where the dancer comes out of a coffin.

Another red headed prostitute, another trip to the medieval torture chamber. I don’t know much, but I’m sensing a pattern here Alan.

This is not a good movie.

Evelyn’s brother constantly acts like he’s out for revenge, but all he does is watch Alan commit savage acts of silly goose-ery.

When you’re a newlywed in Europe apparently the tradition is to tie every piece of metal junk you can find to your bumper.

Having five blonde maids who are almost all identical sounds hot in theory, but not in this creep show.

Despite her name, Aunt Agatha is quite attractive.

Evelyn’s brother is murdered with a snake. The killer doesn’t put it his bed, or in his shower, no the killer wields the snake like it’s a gun. He sneaks up on him and has it bite his neck. Now if you can’t see that coming at you – you deserve the venom.

Say what you want about Gladys, but she sure as Hell goes out in a blaze of glory.

Not only an awful ending, but the worst goddamn freeze frame to roll the end credits on in the history of celluloid.

Beware of the Greys Agent Mulder.

Is It Actually Scary:There is absolutely no tension anywhere to be found in this movie – so no. However if for some reason you manage to figure out the conspiracy against Alan before the ending, you might scare me.

Scariest Moment: Hmm. Putting this dvd into the player’s tray I think.

You wanna know how I got these scars?

Most Disturbing Moment: When George tries to rock the one large hoop earring look and fails entirely.

Dumbest Moment: When Aunt Agatha gets her pretty little head caved in by a very obvious rubber rock. Her face after the first blow would also rank as funniest moment.

How Much Gore: Fair amount of blood, and then in what only can be interpreted as some producer demanding to gross it up a bit, Agatha’s body is devoured by foxes so we get to see them feast on her guts.

Best Line: “Champagne with strychnine? I never cared for it.” Me neither George, so how’s about you whip me up a Maker’s Mark old fashioned toot sweet.

Attack of the Clones.

Best Scene:George standing over Gladys and Susan as one dies from poisoning and the other from stab wounds. I would have added the noxious phrase “like a boss” but didn’t. Sorta.

Worst Scene: After George gets Louganis’d into the swimming pool that is now all acid thanks to the fertilizer, he is dragged out screaming “I’m burning!” Yet he doesn’t have a mark on him. His skin even isn’t red for fuck’s sake. This movie really does stink.

Any Nudity: Very much so.

Overall: This movie has been edited so heavily, and released in so many forms that it has been known to be impossible to follow. Well, I have the original uncut and uncensored version and it doesn’t make a lick of difference. It’s one of those movies that make you scream questions out loud to no one in particular.