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Santa the drunk

please note that the characters; coca-cola and Andre are one and the same (its a complicated situation that shall be explained another day)

The four small figures crept through the shadows quietly with a hop like movement, unseen by any onlooker on the street. It's lights on either side of the road were shining bright but scarcely even revealed the figures' footprints, these figures, whose stealth was incredible, had white coats which blended almost perfectly within the snow around them. The pack made their way down the street in a single row.

It was almost midnight of christmas eve, when most kids were tight asleep, in few hours time it would be Christmas, oh the joy and happy look that would be stranded on the infants' faces the following day. At this time exactly, nearly every single adult living in the street had gone off to church. The snow made the sidewalks slippery, though this had yet not been enough to slow the determined strangers as they moved silently through the shadows.

The front most figure in the line stopped abruptly in front of one of the rather seemingly identical houses. This bunny ought to be the leader, since he carried himself in front of his bretheren. As soon as he struck still, he whispered a few words to his companions and moved forward towards the house, trying to open the door, however it was locked.

He took a few steps back from the house, then performed an unbelievable somersault that took him fifteen feet into the air and landed on the snow covered roof of the one floor house. He then went towards the chimney, with his trademark hopping-like march, then without hesitation, threw himself down the chute, tail first ^^.

The three bunnys outside the door stood impatiently, shivering in the cold waiting for their commander to let them in. They heard the delightful sound of their leader's footsteps on the other side of the door and at the same time they heard a cat screeching angrily from somewhere inside. A loud 'thud' was heard right after however, and the cat's voice died almost instantly.

The so-called bunny leader fumbled inside with the locks and swung the door open to let in his companions. The four bunnies now saw that he was carrying a big mallet in his right hand and in his eyes were a somewhat treacherous and murderous gleam. His fur coat was covered in ash and scratches and his fluffy tail was scorched with the fire from the chimney.

A bunny asked, in a soft squeaky voice: what happened to your--?

SHUT UP HOPPER. Coca-Cola shouted at the bunny. Or ill throw you down the chimney as well!!

Warchief Coca-Cola was not a bunny to be trifled with. He was not an unpleasant bunny but neither was he kind, stone hearted was what defined him.

The warchiefs and heralds, spread across the wastelands and mighty forests, feared Coca-Cola. The infamous Coca-Cola was a loose cannon, nothing could stop him from doing anything.

Once, a long time ago, a warchief began mocking Coca-Cola. A week later of such continous imprudence, there was open warfare. The remaining heralds and warchiefs sided with the trash talking warchief in hopes of getting rid of Coca-Cola for good.

Warchief Coca-Cola was cornered and seriously outnumbered but he wasnt outbeaten yet. And so against such a ridicilously high number of opponents, he sent but a mere superbly organized strike force led by himself and a trusted captain by the name of Tasneem.

The amusing outcome was that of such significance that every single warchiefs and heralds who had sided against the Coca-Cola in that war were sent to the gallows.The captured warchiefs and heralds stood wearily on the gallows with a noose around each neck, under the close eye of the victorious Warchief Coca-Cola. They were scarred, beaten and humiliated by the fact that a single bunny was able to defeat the united strength.

Dont close the book yet, little boys and girls. Luckily for the warchiefs and heralds, the bunny citizens of USR pleaded for the release of the captured warchiefs, at last Coca-Cola released the soon to be hanged warchiefs and gave them all a final warning.

They were all set free, and as they left, Coca-Cola and captain Tasneem, amused with such proceedings, gave each warchief a pat on the back and a laugh with the words: Good try brothers, maybe next time it will be us who shall suffer in the depths of the gallows with the noose around us.

But now, the issue was very much personal, there had been a bunny-invention, cleverly robbed from the bunny scholars that had taken the bunny scholars an immensely large and vague time of researching to accomplish. Word had reached Coca-Cola that drastic measures were to be taken to retain back the stolen item, and so Coca-Cola hastily organized a small number of bunny warriors and came to this location to carry out his mission.

The warchief turned around, lurking into the house and heading for the living room, beckoning to the others to follow him. The warchief carried a mallet (which was slightly bigger than his own size) easily on one hand, leaning its handle on his small shoulder.

The living room was small, consisting of two couches on either side of the room and a small fan on the ceiling. The walls and decoration were gloomy and quite depressing.

Coca-Cola climbed on top of one of the couches, and then turned to face his squad. "As you may know, we have been sent here on a vital mission. Coca-Cola said.

The bunnies were looking attentively at Coca-Cola.

You all know why we are here but let me remind you that our target is as slippery as a fish. For decades he has managed to snitch humans without getting caught, and they foolishly praise and adore him. Said Coca-Cola in an even larger and angrier tone and his voice rising in a crescendo. BUT ARE WE HUMANS?!.

NAY! We art but mighty rodents, sire! three voices replied.

ARE WE GOING TO DO NOTHING ABOUT IT?! he replied

NAY! they replied again.

IS HE GOING TO JUST WALTZ AWAY LIKE A STINKING FISH?!!!

NEVEEERRRRRRRRRRR! they replied back with such ferocity that the knocked out cat suddenly revived and ran out the door in fear.

Get into your positions then, bunnies! And she-bunnies!. the leader ordered. Ye all know what to do.

***************************

The cold wind was rushing against his face. The fat man tried to hold his silly cone shaped hat onto his head as the seven reindeers led the ice sled through the clouds, his long white beard fluttering behing him.

Santa Claus, on the flying sled looked down on himself and swore angrily at the top of his breath as he noticed that he was still wearing his red coloured sleeping pajamas. The same his very own dog had puked in.

He reached for the large red bag beside him which was almost as large as himself (and thats very large, believe me). He began rummaging through it and soon pulled out a thick white rubberband which he fastened on his pointy hat, and knotted it tight onto his head to stop the wind blowing it off his head.

He plunged his hand back into his big bag again and soon pulled out a crate of bottles each labeled rum to keep him occupied as the ice sled flew through the sky towards the last neighbourhood he was supposed to deliver the toys.

******************************

The bunnies were all in position, each one of them glaring the chimney. Each bunny carried a heavy mallet.

Coca-Cola was now on top of the fan, peeping from the edges. His mallet was of course next to him. Grasping it tight, André was ready to strike the man as soon as he could.

They heard a soft thud fom the roof, then the sound of many hoofs.

******************************

Santa left his ride, holding his red bag on his right hand and a rum bottle on his left. More than half the crate had already been emptied.

He took a few steps towards the chimney then raised his head up high as he took a long slab of "ye olde' rum". As he glanced at the slippery distance 'till the chimney, his head began to spin with dizziness.

He took but a few steps back, however, despite the big distance there was between him and the edge, he lost his balance, rolling off the roof and plunged down onto the ground screaming OH SHIT!!!

Hearing such words, the group of bunnies were indeed quite surprised; the bunny-hoppers seemed rather faint with such nervousy. André, being as boldly natural as he normally was, opened the outside door, finding by no surprise at all, the prime victim included in their mission's objective.

Yes, it was indeed fat, bearded and quite ugly, so he had to assume it was in fact Santa Claus. Even though he had a vast level of experience, he had never been part of such a mission, thus he had to make sure everyone was ready to Strike. He took hold of one of the bunnies, whispering: "He's quite volumptuous, is he truly that foul, treacherous being?"

Quick everyone, Hide! Let him not see us snapped André as fast as he could.

The bunnies all fumbled and blundered towards the house to meld into their surroundings as their objective stood up from his inevitable fall.

André now lied beneath the couch, not sure of his comrades' location. He then turned his face around, lying then struck with shock."The door! What a mistake!" mumbled André to himself.

The so-called door was still open. However, the drunk man had yet shown up nor had entered.

Why exactly? Had they been discovered already? Had santa figured out the bunnies plans?" these thougths crossed inside André's mind, entering in a sort of traumatic emotional situation.

The leader quietly got up from his "effective" position and crept silently to the door, mallet raised in his right hand. André wasn't a person to just let his prey escape. As he neared the door he could overhear some unintelligible words being spoken.

His lungs, compressed with anxiety, were greeted with the most horrible smell imaginable. Disgusting in every single way, you could say it was a sort of mixture of puke, rum thats gone bad and a strong stench of onions.

Coca-Cola stood still for a moment, dazzled by the ghastly smell. His senses had been struck numb, unable to work at all, his body, mind and soul were not functional at that time.

In a few seconds by, the grissly smell had passed and he was able to breath normally again.

He could still hear the buffed and almost silent muttering from where his target was held, he understood that he was saying: "something about about leaving his rum on the roof". Soon afterwards, André noticed the predictable addict getting hold of a nearby ladder and attempting to climb back up on the roof to collect his valuable rum.

As Claus began climbing, André reached the ladder, and waited until the victim had reached a fairly high distance.

With a malicious grin, André felled the ladder with a mighty slam from his trusty mallet.

Santa plunged to the ground, with all the might gravity had to offer, screaming from the top of his voice: ME RUUUMMMM!!!.

He crashed to the ground with one loud thud", leaving a deep hole in the thick snow. Too much rum for his weight I guess.

Coca-Cola wasted no time whatsoever. He jumped straight into the hole and as he reached the bottom, he brought down his mallet several times on the despicable human's head.

Immediately after he had struck enough blows, André left the hole and with abnormal strength for his puny size, he was able to carry the unconscious drunk out of the hole.

To his surprise, the bunnies had been refuged inside the warm house. Seeing them, André turned immediately to their direction and ordered, "bring him to the city. And DONT let him wake up."

Aye, aye sir. replied the folk back to their boss.

And so they began their long march home along with the bulky hostage being dragged and knocked out.

After several days of walking, they had finally reached their destination: "Hoppatan" right in the center of USR (United States of Rabbit).

"Alas my fair bunnies, here's the glorious, the mentally sane land of all bunnies!" cheered André to his friends. As the marvelous oak trees in thousands appeared. The trees were quite big and wide with the great big mass of leaves rising at the top, the trees were ofcourse all hollow, and inside each one of these hollow tress, the bunnies lived.

The nearby crowd of the tree-town gathered to their location, applauding the heroes and hopping. Every bunny of the squad was proud of their success and so made their way to the Hoppatan's Palace where a council was to be held with warchiefs from the next clans.

The last king and queen of USR died without a child to carry on the royal name. After the death of the royal family, many bunny warchiefs tried to claim the throne for their own, everntually this led to a war amongst themselves.

After years of war and battling each other, they began to move back to a tribalistic stateThe war ended when the warchiefs signed a truce that there shall be no queen or king, but instead USR would be ruled by a council of warchiefs belonging to different clans.

The small bunny squad stepped under the oak trees and made their way to hoppatan palace.

As they continued, André halted suddenly. Ordering his bunnies to wake up the human and make him "presentable" for the council.

Everyone stood still, looking at their warchief.

"Yes? Carry on hoppers. Why are you looking at me like that?" said André

"Well..who's got Claus?" replied the hopper.

André looked at the bunny in charge of Santa, who was coincidently the one who had been hurt in his right arm.

"Wait, when you were hurt, bunny, did you notice a loss of extreme weight in your hand?" asked André to the bunny.

"Well, now that you put it like that..." said the bunny.

André looked puzzled, though he was frightened by the thought that someone had snatched their prize bounty.

HOPPERS!! Coca-Cola shouted, his voice faintly shacky, as he called all the bunny soldiers.

HAI !! they replied back. Their voices heard from different parts of the city. There was a minor stampede as the hoppers appeared running and charging to the summons of their warchief.

In a few minutes Coca-Cola was surrownded by fifty armoured and armed hoppers and a captain Tasneem who had been in the vicinty at that time

Santa has escaped. Find him. Coca-Cola said. chin chin.

They searched high and low for Santa. Through every tree house and every hole that there was in USR. They relentlessly searched through the whole country side, like crazed dogs trying to find a scent.

By midnight, not a single sign of Santa was found. It seemed absolutely amazing for Coca-Cola, that something so large could hide so well.

At last when the searching squad led by Coca-Cola reached the northern borders of USR they despaired at their search and decided to rest there that night before returning to Hoppatan with the failiure of their mission.

As they rested that night, something strange happened.

In the dark, the bunnies heard flattering all around them.

birds. Captain Tasneem whispered. crazed birds. She added.

And true enough, thousands of birds were flying rapidly towards the south, they were all twittering maddeningly so fast that nothing else was heard except the twittering.

Coca-Cola stood where he was, listening. As much as he wanted to capture Santa, he could not ignore the frightened birds, neither could he ignore any other forest creature. It was part of his duty (and not the so called lion A.K.A. king of the jungle) to look after the forest creatures.

Whats wrong with you all ?! Coca-Cola shouted above the noise, he spoke in the toungue of birds. Silly It was, to the bunny company. There were few bunnies left who knew all the toungues of animals and the Coca-Colas bunny company werent one of them.

Coca-Cola repeated his question repeatedly, trying to make himself heard over all the screaming, but nothing happened, the birds were too frightened to stop their rapid fleeing.

Captain Tasneem and the rest of the bunny company were all looking at Coca-Cola who was currently straining his long pointed ears to discern what the birds were blabbering about.After what seemed like an eternity, Coca-Cola smiled. quick hoppers. Coca-Cola said sharply, addresing the bunny company. follow me. As he broke off into a quick paced hop pass the border, heading further north, his bunny-company following exhausted behind him.

They ran through the forest, through grasslands, swimmed through a river untill at last they reached the feet of a mountain. Coca-Cola ordered them to halt for a quick rest before proceeding.

♫were outnumbred and surrounded♫. Coca-Cola sang loudly on top of the belly of a certain unconcious Santa. Coca-Cola had his drums next to him on santas belly beating them fiercly with his drum sticks in rhythm with the song.

 HURAH ! HURAH ! An army of a fifty bunny warriors replied to Coca-Colas song.

The army closely following the unconscious old man behind in ranks of fives with a captain at the head of the company and ofcourse the warchief with his drums somewhere ontop of santas tummy.

Their voices echoing through out the forest of the mountain in which they had found Santa hiding.

ye warriors ye warriors of USR (united states of rabbits)! he sang the next verse, louder than before, beating the drums rapidly.

never shall we kick the bucket!! The bunny fighters finished the verse, and be praised as fools

♫SOO WERE GONNA GO DOWN SWINGING!!♫ Coca-Cola sang the last verse, shouting it at the top of his voice, the ancient war-cry of the bunnys, beating the drum with such intesity that the very ground shook.

AARRRRRRRRR!! they roared in reply, beating their fists fiercly to their armoured chest all together, warriors and fighters.

HALT! Coca-Cola ordered, it was mid-morning by then, and even rabbits need to rest. By then they had reached the river they had passed on the way up.

captain Tasneem. Coca-Cola called from high above on Santas tummy.

The bunny she-captain at the head of the company stepped forward and replied, yes warchief.

get the company to form a circle around big bird (Santa) while they rest. Coca-Cola ordered. we dont want him waltzing away again now do we?

No. No we dont. Tasneem replied going to carry out the order.

In a few minutes, all the bunnys were settled around santa and a watch of two was kept on santa to make sure he didnt wake up.

When all was well and the bunnys were resting, Coca-Cola and Tasneem held a meeting. There was a need of haste to return back to Hoppatan.

Coca-Cola said, the fastest way would be to take to the road the moment the bunnies are well rested and resume the march. What say you Tasneem?

if we were to take to the road, then I fear Big Birds bulk and his stench might slow us down even more. Tasneem said.

What do you suggest we do? Coca-Cola asked with a faint gleam of amusement in his eyes.

I say we throw him in the river and ride him down the mountain. Anyway, the water ought to wash away the stench as well Captain Tasneem suggested in the most serious fashion.

but can the river hold Big Birds weight? Coca-Cola asked. wont Santa just sink like a brick and drown us all?

Captain Tasneem sat for a while, head bowed, in deep thought finally she looked up, and there was a wide toothy smile on her little face as she said, only one way to find out.

aye. Coca-Cola replied. your idea does seem to have an amusing outcome.

When all the fifty hoppers had rested. Warchief Coca-Cola and Captain Tasneem set their plan in action.

They carried Santa for a short distance and laid him on the edge of the bank, right next to the flowing river. Tasneem and Coca-Cola had already instructed the comopany on the plan.

All the fifty bunnies got ontop of santa, forming a tower of bunnies untill atlast the Warchief and the captain were the only ones left.They stood for a while observing the high tower of bunnies pilled ontop of each other in a triangular like fashion.

now milady, it is time to find out the answer to our little riddle. Coca-Cola said to Tasneem.

yes. Let us carry onn. Tasneem replied with those words Coca-Cola and Tasneem in the mid-mornings light began pushing Santa into the river.

The bunny warriors pilled on top of Santa were cheering at the Warchief and the Captain. Finally after marching all night they were gonna have some fun in the river (Bunnies love water).

Finally santa was reached onto the rivers water. At first he began to sink down.

HOORAH!! HOORAH!! HOORAH!! the bunnys cheered loudly at the prospect of going for a swim. But alas their cheers did not last long as Santa re-surfaced.

OOOWWW. They booed at santas lightness.

Coca-Cola and Tasneem were still on the bank applauding the success of the plan. And it was simply amazing how the being could still be asleep even after being thrown into a river.

oh no!! Tasneem gasped its speeding away without us. And true enough the tower of bunnies on top of Santa was already some distance away.

Giving him her hand, she asked what are you plannin--? before she could finish her question, Coca-Cola made his famous unbelievable leap towards the bunny tower, jumping higher than the trees and almost as high as where the birds were flying, hands locked together with Tasneem.

They made a perfect landing right ontop of the tower as the bunnies cheered at their gifted warchief.

They stood together for a while on the tower ontop of Santa.Atlast one of the bunnys ontop near Coca-Cola said warchief. Your drums. Passing to Coca-Cola the drums and drumsticks.

Coca-Cola took the drums and began beating them again in tune with the water current.

By evening, a scout was set ontop of the bunny tower while Coca-Cola and the other bunnies were all fast asleep, getting some rest as the human raft sped down the mountains river.

The raft sped on, untill night. By then a bunny was kept ontop of the tower as the other rested.

As the light of dawn began to shine, the watch-bunny woke up Coca-Cola.

yes. What is it hopper? Coca-Cola whispered, not wanting to awaken the other bunnys.

we are gaining speed quite fast. The wach-bunny replied. what should we do warchief.

ah, ofcourse. Gaining. Gaining speed on a river. Coca-Cola muttered to himself dreamily. can only mean one thing A WATERFALL!!!

At hearing this, all the bunnies on board suddenly woke up as if they were never asleep. And so their chearing began again.

Captain Tasneem urgently stood up and hopped to Coca-Cola over the bunnys below her, Orders Warchief. Should we prepare to get off the river? Captain Tasneem asked.

The buunies were still cheering loudly from their kneeling postion which they had stood ontop of each other as they happily passed the drums to their leader.

As the human-raft neered the waterfall the bunnies got on their feet, raising the tower several feet high. They began swaying in uniform motion, forth and back forth and back. Like a diver trying to decide when to jump over the diving board.

At last, when they were at the very edge of the waterfall they threw themselves off at the same time.

YIII-HHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA. They were all screaming as they sped down into the water.

But ofcourse, Claus reached the bottom first due to his unique weight. And as he splashed down the water before the other bunnies, he woke up..confused..and in shock of being where he was.

But only moments later after he woke up, the bunnies came tumbling down all around him and by a mystrious marvelous chance, it was Coca-Cola (believe it or not) who fell down on Santas head, knocking out Santas lights out again.

Do not think that the elves just love knocking their prisoners unconsious or just Santa in particular. The jolly bearded man who lives in the northpole isnt as jolly as the world thinks and Coca-Cola knew this, it was why that Santa was just too Dangerous to be left in the consious world.