Sunday, June 23, 2013

An Alternate Ending

Not that I didn’t enjoy the movie Much Ado About Nothing, but I had a few alternate lines of dialog running through my head.

Hero: Wait a minute, you want me to marry this loser after all? The one who stood up in front of the whole town and told everyone I was a slut? Just because he saw some woman in my bedroom window from so far away that it could have been you in a wig for all he knew? Why would I want to do that, Dad?

Don’t go running off, we’re not done talking yet. You wanted me dead, Dad. I heard you. You didn’t even wait to hear my side of it, you told me to go ahead and die. And now you want to have this big wedding feast and pretend like everything is all right? Who are you, anyway ? No wonder mom ran off. Yeah, yeah, I’ve known about it for years, how did you think you could keep something like that a secret in a house with a bunch of servants?

Speaking of servants, I have one. About my age, about my size, busy in my room a lot. So how come it never occurred to one of you geniuses that it could have been her at the window? Because, yeah, if I was going to do the nasty with someone the night before my wedding, it would be right in front of my bedroom window with the light on. I’m smart that way. Anyway, she's apparently allowed to have sex without anyone getting mad at her. So why is that again, anyway? Because she's the one of us who can't afford to take care of a baby.

How could you even believe this, dad? The padre here knew better than to believe it of me. My cousin knew better than to believe it of me. Her on again/off again, now he has a beard, now he doesn’t loser can’t even propose without help from half a dozen people boyfriend knew better than to believe of of me. Yeah, you, who did you guys think you were fooling, any middle school kid could tell how you felt about her. Throw her a wedding, dad, why don’t you? Oh, you were? A twofer? Matching veils. Dad, Martha Stewart you are not.

Okay, okay, I’ll marry the jerk. But don’t think he’s ever going to hear the end of this.