The "Not My Kid" Syndrome

The "Not My Kid" Syndrome

It seems that whether the issue is drugs, alcohol, bullying,
risky driving, media consumption, or sex, studies are showing that
parents consistently underestimate their own kids interest or
participation in these behaviors. In the most recent study, researchers have found that many parents
don't believe their kids are interested in sex while holding to the
notion that everyone else's kids are.

What drives the NMK ("Not My
Kid") Syndrome held by so many parents? I think there are several
primary factors at play:

1) Some parents have a hard time letting
go of viewing their kids as innocent children. They've invested years in
protecting their kids, controlling and monitoring activities, and
trying to instill values. Parents want to believe that they've done a
good job at parenting - and many have! But, when kids hit adolescence
and begin the transition to adulthood, it can be tough for parents to
begin viewing their kids as ready to meet the challenge. They have a
hard time coming to terms with their kids leaving childhood behind and
starting to experience new levels of adult thinking, emerging emotions,
and the physical and hormonal changes that every adolescent experiences.
Most of us have viewed scenes on television or video where a parent is
having a discussion with their teenager in one clip and then suddenly,
the parent is talking to a small child (the younger version of the
teenager). This teenager-as-child portrayal captures the concept well.

2)
Kids mature differently. Because there is no normal when it comes to
adolescent development, no set template that all kids follow on the
pathway to adulthood, parents aren't always aware of when adolescent
changes are taking place. One kid may be interested in sexuality and his
or her parents know it, while another may be interested but keep his or
her interest hidden from the parents. Or one kid may be interested in
sexuality very early in adolescence while another shows no interest well
into her or his high school years. The development process, unique to
each adolescent, can make it easier for parents to believe that their
kid isn't "there yet" when it comes to typical adolescent interests and
behaviors.

3) Not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors. The simple
fact is that not every teen has sex, drinks alcohol, takes drugs,
drives like a maniac, texts 100 times a day, or is addicted to the
Internet. These facts make it easy for parents to make a simple
assumption that their kids are in the "NMK" category, whether they are
or not. But, in reality, while not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors,
all kids think about them and are susceptible to temptations and peer
pressure.

4) Parents are uncomfortable talking about tough issues.
Most parent don't relish discussions with their teenagers on tough
issues like sexuality, or drugs and alcohol. The hesitance to talk about
these topics make it easier for parents to rationalize that their kids
aren't ready or interested in these issues.

Rather than being a
"NMK" parent, the wise course of action is to prepare kids for the
inevitable process of adolescence and the challenges and temptations
that accompany it. Talking to kids about these issues in an atmosphere
of acceptance and openness will help kids face challenges when they
arise. Certainly, even with parent-teen discussions, not all kids will
emerge into adulthood having avoided all teenage at-risk behaviors.
There will be wounds along the way. And hopefully, there will be some
good lessons learned from their mistakes with few long-term
consequences. But, parents who live this season of life with a "Not My
Kid" attitude actually put their kids at greater risk of being hurt
along the way. It's far better for parents to live with a "Why Not My
Kid?" point of view.