Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Here rests the tired body that holds the soul of a man driven by ambition. It becomes an obsession this lust for affluence, it moves with such gravity in my mind that the contradictions of my existence I feel can no longer hold me.

I constantly question if it is Fear. As I have always maintained that I have known mental adversity and physical displeasure to a certain degree that I feel transformed, almost finding such conditions favorable. I feel as if I can no longer accept my surroundings. Where, where does my motivation sprout I ask the insides of my eyelids many of these recent nights.

Summer has arrived in Tallahassee and you can feel it in the ancient asphalt, crackled and searching for water. There are some in this world that are called to serve a purpose, goaded by personal desire to fulfill some task which they have grown to enjoy. I have no have hopes, goals, dreams, or belief that God will call me one day to some task that I will know I was meant to do. Yet here, in the critical cog of the machine that is personal evolution my mind is forcing the foundations.

I question if it is fear, fear that if I donÂt act now I will not reach my only aspiration; the sole thing that will find me an unhappy older man. I have realized that the love of success in its true form is a trait when possessed never leaves its keeper. Why the hustler at the pool hall can never put down his stick, why the investor still reads the finance section in comfortable retirement, and why the Billionaire still has to fly around the world. They love and enjoy the things that brought them success. I know that I am not seduced by the vehicle; I only want the checkered flag.

There are many things that I enjoy but that seldom translates into one occupation, yet I am searching. I have no desire to give to society, to serve a purpose, or to see my name anywhere. I just want the money.

Am I working hard now because I am afraid that if I donÂt do it now I wonÂt reach the upper class? Or am I just becoming aware of the opportunity to push myself?

Whichever my muse, I am watching myself gather the discipline. I make mistakes but the mark is still set. For the first time in a long time, maybe even my life, I want to work harder. I want the money, the car, the yacht, and I want it soon.