MUNCIE, Indiana – In a speech delivered at a neo-Nazi bake sale today in West Virginia, Donald Trump openly and frankly acknowledged that he is losing to Hillary Clinton in the race for the White House.

“People are saying that I am a pathetic loser with low ratings,” Trump painfully admitted as he bit into a cupcake.

“I’m not saying this,” Trump continued. “People are saying it.”

“They could be right, they could be wrong. Who knows? I don’t know. People are saying this, not me,” said Trump.

Trumps admissions of “low ratings” is apparently a reference to all polls showing Trump far behind Hillary Clinton in the electoral votes needed to win in November and Trumps reference to “people” appears to be the opinions of his own election staff.

“The Orange God is losing big time,” said Trump campaign official Trip Henderson on the condition of anonymity.

Trip Henderson

“He is losing with the coons. He is losing with women, even the ones who aren’t lesbos or bitches.”

Not Voting for Trump

“He is losing with wetbacks, even the ones who aren’t criminals and rapists. He is losing with fags and queers, even the ones who don’t dress and talk funny. He is losing with Jews, even the good ones. He is losing with the gooks, even the ones that know how to drive. He is barely winning with whites when all of them should be supporting him because Trump is a member of their race,” said Henderson. “Frankly, I’ve sent my resume to the Aryan Nation, the KKK and the American Nazi Party and hope there is a job opening available in Idaho, Oklahoma, Alabama or West Virginia.”

Not all of those in Trump’s inner circle have given up hope. “The polls aren’t telling the truth,” said Trump’s new campaign manager and paranoid schizophrenic, Kellyanne Conway.

Kellyanne Conway

“Donald Trump performs consistently better in online polling where a human being is not talking to another human being about what he or she may do in the elections … it’s become socially desirable, especially if you’re a college educated person in the US, to say that you’re against Donald Trump,” said Conway.

Conway believes that millions upon millions of Americans are secretly racist, misogynistic homophobes who lie to anonymous pollsters on the phone when they say they hate Trump.

“The voices in my head assure me that these lying liars will vote for Trump in November,” said Conway as she used copious amounts of hand sanitizer to “keep the bugs away.”

“The “undercover” Trump voter is an example of irrational magical thinking,” said Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Director of the Institute of Political Analysis. “To win the election, Trump needs to convince minority voters who despise him to vote for him. He cannot win without their support,” said Schnurstein.

Trump plans to do just that. “My Lord and Master, Donald Trump the First, has a plan for wooing black voters that is sure fire,” said Donald Trump protégé Omarosa Manigault, who appears to be African-American.

Omarosa Manigault

“He will win black voters the same way he won white voters – by inflaming race hatred,”Manigault said before revealing the word “Trump” branded on her posterior. “This means he owns me,” Manigault explained.”

According to Manigault, Trump’s strategy for winning over black voters is to encourage their hatred for white people, especially what Trump refers to as “white trash.”

“Those who inhabit the White underclass are despicable,” said Trump spokesperson Leroy Jefferson. “They are uneducated, unemployed, pathologically violent, lazy welfare cheats with no sense of rhythm living in ghettos called “trailer parks” who are taking jobs away from the blacks.”

“We need to build a wall around Idaho, Oklahoma, Alabama and West Virginia until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” said Jefferson.

“And they can’t jump,” Jefferson added. “And they can’t spell.”

Despite these plans, Trump himself appears to be unconvinced of his chances against Hillary Clinton in November.

“I am hearing people on the internets saying that I am a pathetic loser with low ratings. Believe me,” said Trump at a recent rally in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Trump in Nebraska doing his famous “Mexican Ferret” impression.

“They are saying that I flip flopped on my plan to deport all illegal immigrants. I’m not saying this. People are saying it. Who knows? I haven’t denied it. Why haven’t I denied it? Do I have something to hide? I don’t know if I do. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I do. But reliable sources looking into this can’t believe what they are seeing. Believe me. They say my tax returns show I am a bad businessman, a billion dollars in debt, that I donated to NAMBLA – the North American Man/Boy Love Association – believe me, that’s what NAMBLA means. That’s what it means. And that I went on an all-male cruise with Vladimir Putin using money I collected for veterans.”

“If I did that’s fine. It’s fine. It’s okay. I don’t know. But if I didn’t then I should deny it. And if I don’t deny it then that means I did it. Okay?”

Reliable sources confirm that Trump will also attempt to win the Irish vote by promising that everyone named “Cromwell” will be deported. The same sources say Trump plans on appealing to Jewish voters by attacking “stupid goyum buying furniture from a catalogue.”

A still from Disney’s Song of he South (1946), recognized universally as the most racist film ever produced.

“That was a total waste of time,” my wife, Lori, told me after reading a conversation I had with someone who calls themselves “BuffaloBillie” and who posted a critique of the decision to remove the Confederate battle flag from the top of the South Carolina Capitol Building.

Did no one see Roof burning the AMERICAN FLAG? The Confederacy is just as much a part of our history as the Union Jack! Racism will be the death of our country if the Muslims fail and, that “knife” cuts both ways!

I was tired when I read that. I had just returned from a two week trip to Australia

Terry referred a request for assistance from Eye on Sacramento (EOS), a local government transparency advocacy group. EOS wanted to stop the City of Sacramento from deleting the City’s email archive – and the City was going to push the button two days from then.

I agreed to try to help. It turned out to be a gargantuan task, possibly the most difficult case I’ve ever handled on such short notice.

It’s working out okay. But when the hearing was over, and I could sit down and take a break, what I really needed was some mindless entertainment. When I read Billie’s protest about the decision to remove the Confederate flag from the top of the South Carolina Capitol Dome, I knew I had found the mindless entertainment I was looking for.

For me nothing is more entertaining than engaging a racist, and Billie’s inclusion of Muslims in her short rant indicated that Billie wasn’t only racist, but was very possibly crazy, too – and I love that combination.

I responded as follows, and the conversation began.

But this is not just another typical meaningless conversation between two people with irreconcilable world views. As the conversation developed, I discovered something.

Let me know if you agree with my revelation about “Billie’s” true nature.

I began by responding –

@BuffaloBillie – The swastika is a part of German history, too. But it stands for and is very closely associated with hate, murder and racism – and therefore it is offensive to anyone who isn’t a racist.

Desecrated Jewish graves in France

The Dachau Gateway

The Confederate battle flag is a part of American history. But it stands for the right to own slaves and the racism that was created to justify slavery – and is therefore offensive to anyone who isn’t a racist.

This guy just loves the Confederate flag.

That’s all there is to it. If you don’t get it, then history will trample you and the Confederate battle flag you’ve wrapped yourself within.

By the way, in Germany – where the swastika is banned – racists and Neo-Nazis fly the Confederate battle flag because it represents the same German racists and Neo-Nazis want to promote – hate, murder, and racism.

They know what the Confederate battle flag stands for. So does every American. Those who think they can display the Stars and Bars to champion the idea of being a “rebel” without also arguing in favor of hate, murder and racism are fooling themselves, but no one else.

To my delight, Billie met my challenge.

@Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Mr. Boylan, you should avail yourself of a history book on the Civil War which was written BEFORE the liberals took over our education system. You will find that slavery was not the issue but states’ rights and the economy of the South. There were many, many northerners who owned slaves also but it was Lincoln’s attempt to keep the union together, not slaves, that caused the disasterous war. Incidentally, I am NOT a racist.

@BuffaloBillie Frankly, I don’t know if you are a racist or not. There are lots of kinds of racism. Marilyn Davenport found herself in hot water when she distributed a photo of a family of chimpanzees with President Obama’s face on the baby.

She was shocked when people accused her of being racist.

To her a racist is an evil person motivated by hate. Since her desire to depict a black man as an ape wasn’t motivated by hate or evil she felt she could not possibly be a racist.

She was, of course, wrong. Racism is like cancer. There is both malignant racism (the product of hate) and benign racism (the product of culture and ignorance).

Bill, I suspect you are a benign racist. You demonize my viewpoint as ‘liberal.” For the record, I am a life-long registered Republican.

You try to justify slavery as a “states rights” issue and point out that prominent historical figures owned slaves. I am sorry, Bill (I really am) but that is the classic argumentative tactic of a benign racist. States don’t have the right to perpetrate evil. And the sorry fact that some good men may have participated in an evil thing doesn’t magically transform it into a good and righteous thing.

Listen up:

(1) Slavery was and is evil.

Baton Rouge, La., April 2, 1863. (War Dept.)

(2) The Confederate States rebelled against the United States for the sole purpose of having the right and power to base their economy on slave labor.

(3) the South Carolina Battle Flag (the basis for what is known as the “Stars and Bars”) was created to symbolize the false and evil right of men to own other men. It was created for no other reason and symbolizes nothing else.

Birmingham, Alabama: Students wave confederate flags and carry anti-integration signs as they stage demonstration near West End High School, 9/11/63. It is the second day of integrated classes in Birmingham City Schools, 9/11/63.

Women screaming at black children attending public school in Charleston, South Carolina

So tell me again why the Bars and Stars should keep waving.

@Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Who ever was that woman you describe, she definitely is an ignorant racist.

Marilyn Davenport, who forwarded an email depicting President Obama as a chimpanzee, issues an apology for those who found the work offensive but refuses to resign her position as an elected member of the Orange County Republican Central Committee, at a news conference outside her home in Fullerton, Calif., Wednesday, April 20, 2011. (AP Photo/Reed Saxon)

My brothers and I were raised by a wonderful black woman and her husband, Johnnie Mae and James, and they were my very best friends.

It did not matter to me that their skin was black. They were the sweetest, kindest people in the world, aside from my grandparents. I have absolutely no ill will toward black people except those who constantly complain about slavery as though they experienced it themselves. There is not a single person alive today who was a slave, so those youngsters should stand up and be counted as Americans, not as a hyphenated American. The United States has done far more for people of color than their own countries in Africa will EVER do for them.

I’ve lived in Africa and know that for a fact, first-hand. Americans have always taken care of black people because, as slaves, they were needed as workers and since then as our house-keepers and nannies.

They were NOT abused, they were protected because they were valued and loved.

Loved and valued to death.

@BuffaloBillie Again you seem to misunderstand the difference between malignant racism and benign racism. You say ” I have absolutely no ill will toward black people.” I don’t doubt that. What you – and Marilyn Davenport – don’t seem to understand is that you can be a racist without hating. And I am afraid that all that you’ve said in this discussion seems to point to the conclusion that you are, indeed, racist.

I do not question your claims that you were raised by black people. But the your comments after that claim really seem to indicate that it didn’t make you a more open minded person. For example, you say:

“There is not a single person alive today who was a slave, so those youngsters should stand up and be counted as Americans, not as a hyphenated American.”

The bottom line here is that you love black people who are silent, but you admit ill will towards black people who complain about the lingering and potent effects of slavery. That, my friend, makes you a racist.

How do you feel about Jews who didn’t survive a concentration camp who refuse to forget about the Holocaust (if, of course, you believe the Holocaust happened. I’m guessing you might doubt that it did)? I bet you just love Jews that don’t complain, too, but harbor ill will towards those who do.

You also say:

“The United States has done far more for people of color than their own countries in Africa will EVER do for them.”

I really hate to point this out again, but that, too, is a favorite argument of the benign racist. You are basically arguing that black people shouldn’t complaint about the injustices they experience or the inequalities inherent in our system because they are better off here than they than they would have been if their ancestors had stayed in Africa.

You probably have no idea how repugnant that argument is. And I’ve heard it before from the mouths of elected representatives from the former Confederacy. And I’ve read the same argument made by slave owners to justify owning slaves: “We treat them as slaves better off than they would have been free in that awful Africa.”

Sorry, Billie, but that is simply disgusting. But you clearly believe it. And you claim you aren’t a racist because you were raised by black people who I suspect were domestic servant.

Finally, you actually state that black slaves were not abused but were

“protected because they were valued and loved.”

Again, even if that is true (which it most certainly is not) it is utterly irrelevant. The harm inflicted upon slaves is the evil of slavery itself. A human being is harmed irrevocably just by being a slave. It doesn’t matter how much a slave master loves their slaves, the mere fact of ownership of a human being injures both the slave owner and the slave.

You are an apologist – if no an advocate – for the evil institution of slavery, and you harbor ill will towards black people who complain about the lasting effects of slavery.

I am very sorry, but you’ve proven you are a racist. You can be nothing else.

May God have mercy upon your soul.

Billie didn’t respond. A few days later I wrote:

@BuffaloBillieYour decision not to continue the discussion is impressive. I mean that sincerely and without any intended sarcasm. I am hoping it means you my prior points made an impact and that you are thinking about what I said.

And that means it is time to provide you with something else to think about that will bring this conversation full circle back to the Confederate flag flying over the South Carolina State Capitol Dome.

First I need to correct a mistake I made above in prior comments: this flag was first flown as the battle flag for the Army of North Virginia – it was not known as the South Carolina Battle Flag as I referred to it above. I apologize for the error.

After the Civil War ended, the flag was used by the Ku Klux Klan as its emblem. This use, of course, was intended to symbolize race hatred – not “states rights.”

The decision to fly that flag over that particular state capitol dome is somewhat recent. It first happened in 1962 – one hundred years after the start of the Civil War – and that decision was made as part of South Carolina’s open hostile opposition to the Civil Rights Movement.

The decision to fly that flag over that particular state capitol dome is somewhat recent. It first happened in 1962 – one hundred years after the start of the Civil War – and that decision was made as part of South Carolina’s open hostile opposition to the Civil Rights Movement.

This history confirms that the Confederate Flag being flown over the South Carolina State Capitol Dome was always a symbol of race hate and was put there by racists in defiance of black people attempting to obtain the same rights that free white people enjoyed since the founding of the United States.

There are those who do not know any of this. For them, the flag represents the spirit of individualism, the spirit of rebellion against tyranny – very much like the “Don’t Tread on Me” flag of the American Revolution.

So the ultimate question here is whether or not people can legitimately claim to be offended by that flag. You argue that black people who have never been slaves cannot.

I have to disagree. You were raised by black people, but quite possibly they were domestics. Your viewpoint is from the cultural vantage point of class and race superiority. I wasn’t raised by them, but I am married to a black woman and, by force of American attitudes, my son is considered black. I’ve watched first hand the discrimination they face every single day and I’ve counseled my son that, when he is stopped b the police (not if, but when) that he must do whatever they ask, no matter how unjust, no matter how pretextual. If they want to search his car, I’ve instructed him to let them – even though it violates his constitutional rights of search and seizure.

I give my son these instructions, and more, because I don’t want to see him killed.

If my son was white I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.

We live in a racist society. It is real. It is active. And it results in active and subtle discrimination.

And, to my family and to ever single black person I’ve ever known, the Confederate Flag represents all of that, and the fact they have to see it proudly displayed by white people not only offends them, it angers them. It is the sign of blatant and malignant disrespect that is at the heart of racism. It is a manifestation of hate.

It is time to take down the American version of the Nazi Swastika and place it in museums where it belongs.

@Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Mr. Boylan, just now is the first time I’ve seen your last three epistles as I have a business to attend to. You are the person who does not understand how I feel because you’ve never lived a life like mine. Therefore, you should not try to intimidate me for my feelings. I loved the boys who chopped cotton on our farm, who worked for us at our store and the wonderful couple who were there for me and my brothers at home.

The flag does represent individualism and is what has made America the amazing country it still is. We are individuals, not “sheep”.

Individualism on parade.

Not sheep. But it is likely they’ve known a ewe or two.

Today’s black people would rather – it seems to me – blame slavery for all their problems when it is, in fact, the failure of the family unit which has caused our prisons to be overwhelmed by young black men. There appears to be no male, father figure, at most homes to impress on them that an education and a good-paying job is the way to success and away from prison. This also is the problem with a high number of white families – men who have abandoned their duties as more than just “sperm-donors”.

It is apparent to me that you have a finite amount of time to debate this, however, I do not. So, this will be my final response to your comments.

@BuffaloBillie No need for you to respond. Saying

“I loved the boys who chopped cotton on our farm”

says it all. And what it says is that I am wrong: you are not a racist after all. You are a subtle and brilliant internet performance artist.

What you wrote is so awful, so obviously racist – but written as if you really believe it.

“I loved the boys who chopped cotton on our farm”

Brilliantly offensive!

You called them “boys” like it is natural for you, as if you are completely unaware how offensive it is to black men to be called “boy.”

F**king brilliant! So amazingly offensive, but with a subtle twist, using simple and often grammatically incorrect language to provide just a hint that you actually believe what you are saying.

Oh God! And look at this that you wrote:

“Today’s black people would rather – it seems to me – blame slavery for all their problems when it is, in fact, the failure of the family unit which has caused our prisons to be overwhelmed by young black men. There appears to be no male, father figure, at most homes to impress on them that an education and a good-paying job is the way to success and away from prison.”

Brilliant, Sir! That completely ignores the settled academic conclusion that it was the institution of slavery itself that destroyed black families. You implicitly recognize the problem, and the cause, and then blame black people for the problem slavery caused. Incredible! Brilliant!!

Now that I understand what you are really all about I am going to reread everything you posted above with new eyes. I salute you, Sir.

You laid a clever trap – pretending to be a brain-dead, yahoo racist. And I fell for it. I’m not ashamed for doing so. I feel privileged.

Thank you. And I really mean that.

@BuffaloBillie I read it all again. All of it.

You are simply hilarious. You are pretending to be an idiot but you are, in reality, a comic genius. I’m not sure if I have ever encountered this kind of comedy, this kind of social satire, before. Elegant deception en par with Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal.

You draw your audience in and then – bam – the depth and scope of the joke becomes apparent, and the joke is on your audience.

I can get you a theatrical agent – if you don’t already have one. But if you don’t, then I can get you one. I’m no kidding. I would waive my usual commission just for the pleasure of knowing I was instrumental to bringing your talent to the world.

I see endless possibilities. Stand up comedy. Writing of all kinds. The sky’s the limit.

Let me know and I’ll send you my contact info so we can begin a more in-depth discussion about those possibilities.

“There is not a single person alive today who was a slave, so those youngsters should stand up and be counted as Americans, not as a hyphenated American.”

Could you be any funnier? Beyond brilliant. Way beyond brilliant.

@Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Yes, Mr. Boylan, I know I’m funny. However, I am also 80 years old and a woman and have had a wonderful, exciting life filled with everything that is worth living for!

Those boys were just that, kids about 16 or 17 years old. Chopping cotton was a back-breaking job which an older man could not have lasted at, especially in the summer heat.

They also picked cotton for us and that too, is a back-breaking job as well as destroying your hands because of the bolls. When I was 5 and weighed 25 pounds, I PICKED 25 pounds one day. Work is good for the soul.

Also, for your information, I’ve lived in Africa in the ’70s – on the economy – and a lot of our “African” Americans would never make it over there because if you don’t work, you don’t eat. ‘Nuff said!

@BuffaloBillie Claiming to be an 80 year old Southerner does ad verisimilitude to the racist impression you are trying to make. It taps right into the common stereotype that old Southern white women are extremely racist.

And the whole “I picked cotton in the summer heat” element does the same thing.

But then you ruined the illusion by going just a touch too far when you indirectly advanced the simply awful racial stereotype that black people are “lazy” and living off of Welfare (i.e., they don’t work, but do eat, and why? Because they are on Welfare….”).

Attempting to qualify your statement with “a lot” would be a master stroke to supporting the illusion of believing what you’ve written, but, as I said, I’m on to you now.

And, as I’ve said, I’ve reread your posts above with a new appreciation for you and your performance art. One my second reread I noticed something really special, and I want to run it past you to see if I’m right.

Your genius is combining racist arguments so as to reveal their absurdity. I think this is a good example. You first say you were raised by a black man names James; and then you complain about the lack of black fathers at home to be a good example for their kids. But James was home to be a good example for his kids because he was busy at your home raising you.

As I said, genius.

I won’t fall for your depiction of yourself as an astonishingly racist old white woman. Even your constant clearly erroneous attempts to compare life in Africa with the black American experience won’t help you pull the wool over my eyes again.

But I salute you for the attempt – especially now that I fully appreciate what you are trying to accomplish with your racist facade.

@Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Johnnie Mae was our housekeeper and nannie for my little brothers. Her husband, James, worked as a laborer. He was a HUGE, kind man. She was a small woman and they had never had children. They lived in the servants’ quarters in the back of the property.

I do not “complain” about the lack of black fathers as it is an absolute fact – sad, but true.

What I’ve said in this sequence of comments is the absolute truth. There are no lies in any of it. You may choose to believe what you wish, but it is a true, actual story.

What I’ve said in this sequence of comments is the absolute truth. There are no lies in any of it. You may choose to believe what you wish, but it is a true, actual story.

@BuffaloBillie Look, you’ve proven you are good at masquerading as a stereotypical racist.

You’re the best.

And the evolution of your personae into an elderly white woman raised by domestic servants in the pre WWII south is simply brilliant.

“…they had never had children.”

Of course they never had children’; they were too busy working for your family and raising you and your brothers for slave wages – or maybe they did it just for room and board. Black folk working their lives away slaving away for rich white cotton farmers.

Brilliant! That is EXACTLY what the unsuspecting reader would expect to hear from an 80 year old white lady Southern racist. Brilliant!!

But you can stop now.

You’ve proven your hilarious.

Let’s move on. Have you thought about allowing me to get you an agent?

Within a month I can get you a gig at the Comedy Store on Sunset.

I’m serious. I can do it. Let me do that for you. I want to be able to say that you are my discovery

@BuffaloBillie I just got this great idea. I realize I am being presumptuous providing you with suggestions on how to appear even more racist than you already appear. But hear me out.

I’ve learned that it is possible to revise comments appearing in this forum. If I can arrange that, it would be really perfect if you could insert a comment saying that the negro boys who worked for your family cutting cotton sang negro work songs while they were in the cotton fields. And that they worked in rhythm to the music. And that the two adult black people who worked for your family providing child care to you and your two brothers, could you describe them as singing, too, and being so happy all the time and smiling.

And if you could just add a couple of sentences explaining how it is true that black people can’t swim and that science has proven that they are mentally inferior to the white race.

You just have to include using the term “white race” whenever you can.

And finally if you could include something about the “White Homeland” in the Pacific Northwest or a reference to the “Northwest Front.”

That’s Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana.

These are only suggestions. The character you crafted – a deeply racist 80 old lady Southerner – is so over the top perfect, and believable. I realize that yours is a subtle art, and it is so very easy to go too far and tip off your reader too soon that they are debating a phantom construct.

But if you add in the stuff I’ve suggested, you will have it on every single ultra right wing racist statement Dylann Roof made in his manifesto Roof posted on the internet to explain why he killed all those black people in that Church in Charleston.

Every single one. I confirmed that it isn’t a coincidence. Roof’s rant matches yours -except for these few last suggestions.

Cooter van Poope in 2003 complaining that Jews have no sense of rhythm.

MUNCIE, Indiana – A white supremacist racist is coming under fire from other racists for his inaccurate slurs.

Cooter van Poope, a self-professed “crusader and protector of the white race” who lives in Butte, Montana, is being characterized by other racists as a “loose cannon” who does not represent the mainstream American racist movement.

“Van Poope is an idiot,” said Trip Henderson, editor and publisher of the Racist Times, an Internet based news media outlet focused on advancing hatred for non white minorities and homosexuals. “American racism is simple,” Henderson explained. “Jews are cheap, Japs can’t drive, and all Italians belong to the Mafia. How hard is that to remember? Bigotry isn’t rocket science.”

In response to criticism from fellow racists, Van Poope exclaimed “I am sick and tired of all those cods taking siestas, wearing sombreros and and drinking all our tequila.”

A “cod” is a derogatory term for a person of Icelandic nationality or origin that Van Poope made up.

“I invented it,” Van Poope said with pride. “Fucking cods,” he added. “Coming here and taking all our jobs. They’re worse than the Iyoobs. They should go back where they came from.”

Van Poope has his defenders. “Accurate racial and ethnic slurs don’t matter,” said Marylin Davenport, Director of the Angry Institute of Hate Studies in Birmingham, Alabama. “What matters is hate. There is no question that Van Poope is filled to bursting with hate, and that is what his fellow racists should focus on – not on his loose use of racial and ethnic stereotypes.”

Other experts agree. “There is no such thing as a universally accepted racial or ethnic slur,” said Dr. Skip Whiteman, Hateologist Emeritus and Professor of Hateology at Tom Metzger University in Phoenix, Arizona. “There isn’t any executive body of racists who meet annually to decide which racial insults will apply universally to which minority groups. Racial slurs can be random and still effectively manifest and encourage hate,” Whiteman said.

When asked for his opinion on gay rights, Van Poope stated, “All you need to do to keep a faggot occupied is make sure there is plenty of watermelon and fried chicken and cool aide to buy with his food stamps, the lazy shiftless bastards.”

“Don’t even get me started about the filthy, oily, garlic-eating Zimmies,” Van Poope added. “But I admit they are good at math. I’ll give them that.”

Southern “down home” celebrity cook Paula Deen – exiled from public life due to racist comments she made about African Americans – is ready to return to public life. In this frankly fictitious interview, Ms. Deen describes the valuable lessons gleaned from her past mistakes.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Paula, thank you for speaking with me today.

PAULA DEEN: It is such a pleasure, Paul. I just love your blog – especially your fake news stories.

POE: Thank you. Paula, it wasn’t so long ago that you were revealed to be a racist, especially in your attitudes about black people.

DEEN: That’s true, Paul. But in the days since my shocking statements I’ve had the chance to meet many, many black people from all over this great country and learn about them. I’ve learned a lot.

I know I am shouting my dissatisfaction in the political wilderness. Explaining (again) why I am so unhappy with the GOP isn’t going to provide me with a better Republican choice for president in the 2012 general election.

But I am going to do it anyway.

When McCain lost to Obama, I saw it, not as a defeat, but as a victory for conservative moderates. McCain lost his bid to become president because he kissed the ass of the Right Wing lunatic fringe and selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. He picked Sarah Palin to appease the vocal lunatic fringe on the right who refused to support McCain picked an inexperienced, intellectually challenged demagogic ideologue that fit into their sick and twisted world view, rejected education and science, and gave lip service to their false Christian values.

Moderate conservatives like me – the former bedrock of the Republican Party – looked at Palin, read the notes she wrote on her hand to prepare for a debate, evaluated the odds of McCain’s poor health failing him under the pressure of the presidency – leaving Palin as President – and reluctantly decided to vote for Obama. Any chance of Palin becoming President because McCain died in office was simply unthinkable and too horrible to contemplate.

It was our votes that made Obama president. We did so hoping for two things: we hoped that McCain’s loss would prompt the GOP to reform itself, shrug off the right wing lunatic fringe like a dog shakes off a bad case of fleas, and provide the American people with a viable presidential and vice presidential candidate for 2012 that reflected the traditional Republican values of integrity and honesty.

That didn’t happen. Instead of rejecting the lunacy that caused McCain to pick Palin, the lunatic fringe was allowed to virtually take over the GOP, while the very flawed GOP primary system gave us Mitt Romney as the best of an awful field of candidates (Newt Gringrich? Michelle Bachmann? Rick Perry? Herman Cane???). And Romney won because he outspent his moronic opponents and for no other reason.

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[Romney’s choice of Paul Ryan as running mate seemed, at first, to be a positive event. Sure, it was done for the same reason McCain picked Palin – i.e., to kiss up to the GOP’s lunatic fringe – but he wasn’t stupid like Palin was, and that was a big difference.

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But it didn’t matter. Within the first few weeks of his being chosen as Romney’s VP, Ryan revealed himself to be something of an idiot, and a dishonest one, too. He was transformed from thoughtful young conservative to brain dead attack dog.]

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So the GOP has given me the choice of voting for Romney or allowing 4 more years of Obama.

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My problem is that I really, really don’t like Romney. His primary strategy for winning against Obama tells us everything we need to know what kind of man he is and what kind of President he will be. His strategy is based on cheating, deception and outright lies.

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He is blaming our current economic mess on Obama. But every thinking American – or at least those with any kind of long term memory – knows that Obama inherited a mess so big that it almost took out the whole world.

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George W. Bush is not solely responsible for the crisis that happened during his second term. The conditions that caused the disaster we are still deep within are the result of policies and inaction stretching back to the 1970’s. But Bush’s decisions to cut taxes for the rich, to create brand new expensive unfunded entitlements for seniors, to pay for two wars with borrowed money and to do nothing to resolve the growing real estate and derivative bubbles – despite ample warning – were the straws that broke the world’s economic back.

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The point is that Romney’s attempt to criticize Obama’s failure to solve in four years what took over 40 years to happen is disingenuous and misleading.

Romney compounds this problem by avoiding talking about what he plans on doing to fix the problem that Obama didn’t or couldn’t. And there is good reason for this: Romney plans on doing exactly what Bush did – the very tax, spending and regulation cutting policies that brought the crisis to full flower in the first place.

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If Romney succeeds in implementing his plans, he himself will save hundreds of thousands of dollars on his taxes – which are ridiculously low to begin with. And I don’t like that.

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Romney is pinning his hopes for success on GOP state voter suppression efforts. He is hoping that enough people who ordinarily vote for Obama won’t be allowed to vote because the republican controlled legislatures in swing states have passed laws making it more difficult for minorities and the poor to vote.

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This is victory through trickery, not through the battle of ideas. It stinks and I don’t like it.

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I really hate Romney waffling all the time. He will change his position any time he feels doing it will win him a few votes.

For example, throughout this election Romney has stated that on “day one” of his presidency he will repeal Obamacare. Period. But it turns out Obamacare is popular. So Romney just announced that he won’t repeal all of Obamacare, just those parts he doesn’t like. Then he had the audacity to claim that his obvious shift isn’t a change in his original position. He thinks the American people are morons.

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But worst of all, Romney is willing to lie to win. I won’t bore you with all the lies he has said, all of the deceptive statements obviously designed to mislead people into believing things that aren’t true. I will give you only the most recent example. A few hours ago from when I wrote these words, the American Ambassador to Lybia and three of his staff were murdered by a crowd upset with an American produced video insulting Islam (I’ve seen it; it is pretty horrible. It doesn’t excuse murder, but the film is really over the top insulting. People would riot if the same kind of movie was made about Jesus and Christianity). In response to these murders, President Obama said:

I strongly condemn the outrageous attack on our diplomatic facility in Benghazi, which took the lives of four Americans, including Ambassador Chris Stevens. Right now, the American people have the families of those we lost in our thoughts and prayers. They exemplified America’s commitment to freedom, justice, and partnership with nations and people around the globe, and stand in stark contrast to those who callously took their lives.

I have directed my Administration to provide all necessary resources to support the security of our personnel in Libya, and to increase security at our diplomatic posts around the globe. While the United States rejects efforts to denigrate the religious beliefs of others, we must all unequivocally oppose the kind of senseless violence that took the lives of these public servants.

On a personal note, Chris was a courageous and exemplary representative of the United States. Throughout the Libyan revolution, he selflessly served our country and the Libyan people at our mission in Benghazi. As Ambassador in Tripoli, he has supported Libya’s transition to democracy. His legacy will endure wherever human beings reach for liberty and justice. I am profoundly grateful for his service to my Administration, and deeply saddened by this loss.

The brave Americans we lost represent the extraordinary service and sacrifices that our civilians make every day around the globe. As we stand united with their families, let us now redouble our own efforts to carry their work forward.

Here is what Romney said in response to the President’s statement:

When our grounds are being attacked, and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation. And apology for America’s values is never the right course,he said, slamming the Obama administration for “sympathiz[ing] with those who waged the attacks.

I think it’s a — a — a terrible course to — for America to — to stand in apology for our values. That instead, when our grounds are being attacked and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation.

An apology for America’s values is never the right course.

They clearly — they clearly sent mixed messages to the world and the statement that came from the administration and the embassy is the administration. The statement that came from the administration was — was a statement which is akin to apology and I think was a — a severe miscalculation.

But it’s also important for me, just as it was for the White House last night, by the way, to say that the statements were inappropriate, and in my — in my view, a — a disgraceful statement on the part of our administration to apologize for American values.

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Is he kidding? Romney so utterly misrepresented what Obama said that it amounts to a lie. The President’s statement didn’t apologize for American values. Romney is trying to feed into the whisper campaign that Obama is a muslim sympathizer, possibly a secret muslim himself, and that he apologizes for being American. This is a calculated attempt to deceive the electorate in order to get a few votes.

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I really, really don’t like that about Romney – that he is willing to do anything, say anything to anyone to win.

And this is the man the GOP has placed on the ballot for me to vote for. Not Chris Christie. Not Tim Pawlenty. Not Marco Rubio. Not John Huntsman.

Out of all the people they could have chosen, they gave us Mitt Romney: a morally bankrupt rich guy, trying hard to hide just how rich he is, a bully and gay basher when he was a teenager, and willing to sell his soul to become President of the United States.

DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.” Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said. “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.'”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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“That is what is essentially happening now. And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.