I know this sounds awful but I recently realized that I am no longer in love with my husband and have not been sexually attracted to him in over a year. I finally told him this last week and broke his heart. It was awful I felt horrible and because I still love him it is hard. So he very much wants to work on it and have me fall in love with him again. However I dont know if I can. I find other men attractive and wish I felt that lust at home. But I dont. I have thought of seperation in a few months although I have 3 small children that I am afraid to hurt. Do I stay in a marriage that I am not happy in? That would make everyone happy except me. But is leaving selfish? We have been together for 12 years and married for 7.5. He is a wonderful man which makes it worse. Any advice is very welcome.

Hi Ladies, I am on the other side. My wife just told me this recently. We have been married for 3 but together for 6. I have gained about 25 pounds since we started dating which I have since lost most of. She states she is not as attracted to me. She wants to separate. This is only on of the reasons. Is this something that you can overcome if certain things change?

Marriage goes through ups and downs. Get counceling especially if there are kids. They deserve at least that. I am a guy so I am a little prejudice but it seems todays women doesn't value marriage. I know my wife blames me that I didn't know she felt a certain way but she never told me and let it get alot worse. I don't read minds but I will work hard to get our marriage strong again.

I agree with WindChat. My wife claims that there have been problems for a long time (years?), but she never told me because she didn't want to fight. WHAT THE HELL?!! Excuse me, let's see, choosing running a marriage down the tubes vs. having what MAY have been a calm disagreement? JESUS. I am so frustrated. my wife says she has no attraction toward me. She says there is absolutely no heat-passion.
Ladies, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. Choosing to bury your head in the sand will only compound a problem. TALK. Then TALK SOME MORE. We have kids, I'm miserable- I still love her desperately. If there's even a glimmer of light- give it a chance. If not get out, let the poor guy try to pick up the pieces and get on.

When did you start to realize the waning lust for your H? Did you do anything about it? I'm thinking that you didn't just wake up one morning and the fire was gone- like losing an earring as you slept. What do you think were the triggers? I'm asking beacause I'm looking at the same deal from the opposite side of the fence, and trying to understand. If you don't mind, how old are you, by the way- just to compare to my wife.

Hi, I am 40 years old and have not been attracted for over a year. What were the triggers? I am not sure, my husband is asking the same question and I honestly do not know. I still love him very much but not in the way a wife should love her husband. Or is that reality? Do you just become comfortable in life and marraige? I am going for personal consuling and I have asked my husband to join in couples aswell. He is very hurt right now tho,. He says he wants me to be happy and is giving me space and that no matter my feelings he loves me deeply and is in love with me. That actually makes the decision alot harder.. Am I making the right decision thinking of leaving? Being selfish? I have no idea..

We married when we were 20; I already had 2 kids by then. I married not out of love but in order to join the Army so I wouldn’t have to give up custody of my children. He asked me to marry him knowing what I had planned to do. Join the Army get away from my drama filled life and raise my kids in a better environment.

Left for basic training, we communicated through letters and phone calls and realized we wanted to stay married and see how things progress. He visited me for graduation from basic. We had sex, unprotected because I didn’t have access to condoms being in training but he never came prepared. I should’ve known better. Got pregnant and found out in AIT. Was kicked out because of it (I was going to get an abortion but one of my battle buddies snitched to the Drill Sgt). So now I’m back home, he wanted to keep the baby. I become a stay at home with 3 kids. He is military and works from 4am-4pm. He would come home and ***** about me not having dinner cooked soon as he walked in the house, the kid’s room’s area mess with toys everywhere and he plops his ass on XBOX and plays for hours.

I ended up being the only one to help our kindergarten kid out with homework, ADHD son who has language development issues, and an infant. Feeding them, entertaining them, bathing them and getting them ready for bed. Our infant slept in our room, he would want sex soon as we get to bed and then I was up most of the night with the baby because he couldn’t be bothered for a feeding or whenever she cried.

I would get up when he got up drop him off at formation, come home to get the other kids ready for the day. Clean up and do shopping.

I got tired of being a stay at home mom because I never got any help and on his free time he would drive off to be alone or play Xbox lives for hours. Didn’t care to participate in family activities because it was repetitive. He didn’t like chuck e cheese but the kids did. We never had time together and the sex was horrible because I felt like he didn’t care about trying to please me. I just felt like he was having sex with me cuz I was available.

I had no friends, no close by family. We live about 50 miles away from any family of friends and we only had one car.

2003 he got sent to Korea. I became a single mom of 3 kids. I had alot of stress with my job and daycare issues. Job wasn’t lenient about my children. I had no family readily available to help out. So I left and got a new job, moved closer to the new job and family. So now I had family able to take the kids whenever I needed help. Less stressful job and more money.

I started go to college. Hubby calling from Korea either at night when I should be sleeping or calling me during work hours. He stopped calling at night because I complained I needed to get sleep in order to function at work. So then he would call (I think Korea had a 12 hour difference) between 9-10 am. At first it was ok but then when it became a daily occurrence and talking for at least 60-90 mins at a stretch, some co workers started to complain. I had to explain to my supervisors why I needed to talk to my husband so long due to him being in the service and in Korea. They told me to talk for only 30 mins. So I had to inform hubby that we couldn’t talk as much and that he couldn’t call me daily.

He became angry and saying I didn’t love him and yada yada yada. Just became really bad when talking on the phone.

He came back from Korea, I didn’t hug him. It just felt weird to be affectionate with him at this point.

We tried to have a normal life but I already had a routine set up and he was just getting in the way. I think I may have made him feel like he is not needed. But technically he wasn’t because I was used to doing things on my own and without his help.

Now 2004, I started looking into buying a home cuz the interest rates were low and he had a VA we could use. He got out the Army, and got a job. We moved into our new home. Life didn’t get better, it just became tolerable. It was neither good nor bad but he would complain about how he hated the house and he wished he never signed the loan papers and yada yada yada. Well in the home search he told me to find the house and we will move in. He didn’t want to help in the home search; he just gave me his requirements the home had to have....basically a finished basement, 3 levels and a backyard.

Our relationship never progressed. He didn’t want to go on vacation with me. He never could remember my birthday, or our anniversary. I would give him gifts that I knew he wanted but when it came to giving me gifts it seemed like he didn’t hear anything I said. He would get me gifts he knew I hated such as flowers, teddy bears and chocolate. I never liked this of that nature. But he claims it was the thought that counts.

Countless times I wanted to just go somewhere with just him and I but he would turn me down with the "I have no money". I never asked him for money. I clearly had my own money to pay for us to go on vacation. So after awhile I just started to plan vacation without him. We didn’t go out to eat nor to anything that catered to our sanity as a couple.

He didn’t fully participate as a parent either. In 2006, I became pregnant again. But this time I wanted to keep the baby, lost my job (which he says was my fault) due to being pregnant; he asked for an open marriage which I agreed to but then a month later found out he was on craigslist looking for men. He had a relationship with another woman which I seen an email where he told her he loved her but he said that was a joke because on the phone she said she loved him but then told him she didn’t meant to say it. So in email he said it to her as a joke.

What little relationship we had deteriorated due to distrust and dishonesty on his part. Now I started snooping in his emails, text msgs and whatever else I could get a hold of. Uncovered a lot of things I wish I never had but glad I did.

I suggested marriage counseling throughout our marriage but he would decline going because first reason, that’s what white people do, 2nd reason that just means were getting a divorce and now 3rd reason why cant we just talk to each other.

In the end as I look back on almost everything in our marriage, I sacrificed a lot more than he did. I was ready for the family life early on but he wasn’t. His excuse “I was young”. Now he says he knew there were issues in our marriage and he knew I was falling out of love with him years ago but he said he never knew it was that serious to the point of wanting a divorce. He said it didn’t dawn on him until this May when he told his latest mistress he was cooling it with her to work on our marriage.

I guess to sum it up I just felt like I was ready and he wasn’t and now he is ready but I’m done. Major thing that keeps coming up that doesn’t make me want to work it out is the craigslist thing where he was looking for men and he labeled himself as a bottom. That hurts like hell to live with a man who would and did deny everything even when I presented him with countless evidence and he never wanted to talk about it. Then finally when we did he promised to never do it again. Then a year later I happen to come across him doing it again. That is the straw that broke the camels back.

Hi, I am 40 years old and have not been attracted for over a year. What were the triggers? I am not sure, my husband is asking the same question and I honestly do not know. I still love him very much but not in the way a wife should love her husband. Or is that reality? Do you just become comfortable in life and marraige? I am going for personal consuling and I have asked my husband to join in couples aswell. He is very hurt right now tho,. He says he wants me to be happy and is giving me space and that no matter my feelings he loves me deeply and is in love with me. That actually makes the decision alot harder.. Am I making the right decision thinking of leaving? Being selfish? I have no idea..

I know this will come out harsh but tell me what have you done for the marriage to make it better?? Have you given yourself into it?? Have you made suggestions or plans to keep you connected?? The in love feeling comes and goes the more you work at it. If you sit back and expect another person to fill that you will only get a temporary high. True long lasting love is when both people contribute to the relationship to make it good. Offering themselves up to each other. I figured out the keys to a great relationship and it takes both partners trying to make the other happy without any selfish needs. Try and see what happens.

summersun, I no longer want to go to work. I no longer feel the satisfaction that I once did in evaluating people. Oh, the bennies are good, don't get me wrong. I have a six figure salary. I have my own assistant. She's also cute. I have limited flexibility in my week, I mean the ability to write hours off my schedule to allow me to attend events that most people could not. I have prestige, and a good reputation within our community, but I'm just not satisfied. Something is missing. Drat.

It's taken me years to achieve these skills and tens of thousands of dollars, but it just doesn't make me happy anymore. I'm just going to walk away from it all. I'm going to throw it all away. I know people who have done nothing wrong will be effected for the worse by my decision, but ultimatley it is my life, so their needs in essence don't matter.

On my life charter, personal satisfaction and fufillment reign supreme. My patient's can find another health care provider, my family can step up and do without. Who needs a house. Who needs the little things, you know...high def tv, vacations, cell phones. Heck you can even do without a dentist for awhile.

My wife can go to work. She has a degree. It seems almost a shame she doesn't use it. She's not happy at home anyway with our 4 year old. I'm probably doing her a favor. See I don't have a responsibility to anyone but my self or should I say my Self-ISH. Yah, that's how I'll refer to myself from now on...my self-ISH. That's how I'll refer to you too... SELFISHsun.

Here's a little something you need to hear my dear...don't feel like being affectionate with your husband? Well, friggin do it anyway. The world doesn't care if your happy. Some of the most useless people I have ever encountered in my life have been obsessed with this fickle thing you call happiness. Do you know what these people are commonly called? They are called junkies, crack heads, tweakers, and so on. The very thing that they thought was liberating them, actually ended up destroying them. Don't be among their number.

Love your husband. Cherrish your family. Why, because you friggin made a solemn vow to do so. Honor it, and by doing so you'll honor yourself. It may not make you immediately happy, in fact I am sure it won't. However if you suceed in making those around you happy, in time the heat of their affection will radiate back to you, and you will feel loved by the relective warmth of your actions. If nothing else, you will have lived a noble life summersun. What you are looking for doesn't even exist my dear, at least not where you are searching for it. Love your husband and in doing so love yourself. LIL

This actually might be fixable. A few quick questions:
- Were you initially attracted to him?
- Has he changed physically? If so how?
- Is he too nice?
- Does he crowd you physically/emotionally/sexually?
- Are you having financialy problems?
- What are the differences between your H and men you do find sexy?
- How old are your kids?
- Did you say you are 40?

Quote:

Originally Posted by summersun

I know this sounds awful but I recently realized that I am no longer in love with my husband and have not been sexually attracted to him in over a year. I finally told him this last week and broke his heart. It was awful I felt horrible and because I still love him it is hard. So he very much wants to work on it and have me fall in love with him again. However I dont know if I can. I find other men attractive and wish I felt that lust at home. But I dont. I have thought of seperation in a few months although I have 3 small children that I am afraid to hurt. Do I stay in a marriage that I am not happy in? That would make everyone happy except me. But is leaving selfish? We have been together for 12 years and married for 7.5. He is a wonderful man which makes it worse. Any advice is very welcome.

Well, that last message was harsh. And I do not agree that if I make everyone else happy I will be happy! Thats all I do as it is! Worry about everyone else and make sure all is well. Frankly that is where i believe I lost part of myself. I dont think anyone in this one life we have should live it unhappy to please someone else.
Was I attarcted to my husband in the beginning no.
Has he gained weight no.
The men I am attracted to are the exact opposite.Yes I am 40
3 children under 6 years of age

Well, that last message was harsh. And I do not agree that if I make everyone else happy I will be happy! Thats all I do as it is! Worry about everyone else and make sure all is well. Frankly that is where i believe I lost part of myself. I dont think anyone in this one life we have should live it unhappy to please someone else.
Was I attarcted to my husband in the beginning no.
Has he gained weight no.
The men I am attracted to are the exact opposite.Yes I am 40
3 children under 6 years of age

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:

Password

Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:

Confirm Password:

Email Address

Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:

Log-in

User Name

Remember Me?

Password

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.