Tag Archives: culture

“I think that God that we have created and allowed to shape our culture through, essentially Christian theology is a pretty villainous creature. I think that one of the things that male patriarchal figure has done is, allowed under it’s, his church, his wing, all kinds of corruptions and villainies to grow and fester. In the name of that God terrible wars have been waged, in the name of that God terrible sexism has been allowed to spread. There are children being born all across this world that don’t have enough food to eat because that God, at least his church, tells the mothers and fathers that they must procreate at all costs, and to prevent procreation with a condom is in contravention with his laws. Now, I don’t believe that God exists. I think that God is a creation of men, by men, and for men. What has happened over the many centuries now, the better part of two thousand, in fact, is that God has been slowly and steadily accruing power. His church has been accruing power, and the men who run that church and they are all men, are not about to give it up. If they give it up, they give up luxury, they give up comfort.”

― Clive Barker

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Genuine artists talk to us about ourselves, more specifically about those parts of ourselves that we keep hidden – the strange parts, the dark parts. But these people wear their strangeness as a badge of honor, making it an important part of their identity. This is why they touch us. This is why we really want to be them. What we really envy is how open they are with their strangeness, when we are afraid. Deep down, we all know that one only becomes an individual when one stops hiding their strangeness.

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A Scold’s Bridle is an ancient primitive instrument of repression. They were used in the Middle Ages to curb the tongue of nagging women.

If I had lived during those times, I might… I wonder… for sure they have… but I don’t nag. I merely state the obvious (privately) and my opinions and verdict are always supported by hard facts and I only voiced them out (repeatedly if previous attempts were ignored) as a last resort when the object (or is it the subject) of my dissatisfaction refuses to listen to my case and deliberately missing the points.

Publicly I admit I have some difficulties holding my rather strong views of anything I disagree about (and my sense of humor may be dark, dry and cynical but at least I have a sense of humor) but disagreement is always done with respect and tact and always politically correct that no one can accuse me of being rude. I might say what I have to say too straightforward for everyone’s taste but never in insolence and never in the hope of embarrassing or discrediting someone but rather born out of curiosity and inquisitive mind that refuses to rest unless all the options had been explored. I just can’t accept anything at face value except if my instinct tells me they are true then I shut my mouth, smile, and nod.

No, I have to remove from my mind the possibility of wearing the said contraption if ever I have lived or find myself (you never know with time traveling being possible in the future and don’t forget reincarnation) stuck in that era. But the thought is rather unsettling. Much like the idea of not being able to read and write. Imagine… I can’t think of anything worse than not being able to speak my mind and form an opinion and the freedom to voice them out politically correct or not, which leads me to another question that is in my thoughts for quite some time now: Am I a feminist?

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Pull to refresh. Again and again. You’ve zero new notification, but you don’t know what to do now. So, there’s always Facebook – scroll away. Someone uploaded the photo of their food – like it. No, wait, heart it. Keep moving. Slowly. Steadily. Absorbing every irrelevant meme and information that’s been thrown in your direction.

Now, switch the app – go to Instagram. Scroll more. Explore. Did you get another DM? Check once more. Like random photos. Follow for follow. Look around. Is there anything worth capturing? Or just take a selfie. Try the new filters. You can make a Boomerang too – fake laugh for it, because the real one is any way rare these days.

Open the chat window. Type something. Backspace it. Delete. Send hi to 7 people, and then wait for their response. I know. I get it. We don’t know how else to deal with this gnawing loneliness. Talk with emoticons, because just words are no longer enough.

But there’s something more – do you feel it too? The anxiety, the pull of sadness, the sensation that something is off – but you just can’t pinpoint what. So, Google it. Search ‘how do I know if I am doing okay?’. Some 6946766668 results in less than 2.5 seconds. Open the first link, validate yourself: you’re fine. You don’t need to change. The world will adjust. You just keep slaying.

It’s 3 AM now. And you can’t sleep. Open incognito tab. Search for porn. Pick what you like. Masturbate while thinking about your ex. Wash your face and hope that this feeling of dread goes away, but it won’t. But it doesn’t. So, ask the Internet obscure things – am I depressed? Will I be fine? What’s the meaning of life? Why doesn’t 2+2 equal 5?

Close all the tabs. Lie on the bed. Turn and twist. Listen to something, but you just can’t fall asleep.

Open your phone again. Pull to refresh.

You’ve 1 new notification.

There. Do you feel any better?

-Hadik Nadar

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I’m always on time, contrary to what the world says about our sense of punctuality. We are so famous for our habit of tardiness (along with equally famous mañana habit also known as the love of procrastinating) that we’ve been given a term for it — Filipino Time. Americans coined the phrase in the 1900’s because they were annoyed by our lack of respect when it comes to honoring appointments by coming on time. Tardiness is widely practiced in our country in all walks of life and generally accepted as part of our culture. I, myself don’t understand it and cannot tolerate it from others but what is my wish compared to those of the majority.

Besides, I can’t say that patience is really one of my virtues. I even have trouble waiting for the bathtub to be filled with hot water I rather take a shower.

When it comes to appointments or even a simple family visit (their places or mine) I will have a difficulty sleeping the night before, thinking all sorts of scenarios, all about what could go wrong. Meetings stress me out to the max sometimes I really believe it would cause me a heart attack. Funny thing is, you can’t detect any of those inner turmoils the moment itself. I’m cool as a cucumber (and I’m not pretending) being an extroverted introvert – I know how confusing it is for people so to give you some idea what I’m talking about allow me to directly quote an article I’ve read on the net: Everyone expects an introvert to be shy and reclusive. And we can be, but extroverted introverts also like to get out there and mix ‘n mingle. When we’re “on”, we are sociable and friendly. When we’re “off”, we hurry home to recharge in solitude. Even though we spend way more time introverting than following the crowd, people only see our outgoing side. They don’t realize that our social batteries are drained very quickly and so forth and so on – I manage social gatherings pretty well and can enjoy them up to a certain degree. Beyond that, lights off for me.

But like I said, detest it or not, I’m always on time. And if something happened in between that hinders me to be punctual, I see to it that I let those who are involved know that I will be late or will not show up at all plenty of time beforehand.

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What it takes to be called “fashionable” these days? Expensive gadgets? (Guilty) to take lots of selfies (not guilty) to post on social media (I don’t even have an Instagram account) to show to the world how lucky you are? Big house? (Guilty) Big car? (Guilty) Having the latest trends (Guilty) of must haves it things? Jet-setting? (Is going on holidays a crime? If- then I’m guilty) How about a butt as big as KK? (not guilty) Cosmetic Enhancements? (Also not guilty) Job Hopping? Exercising freedom of speech in every possible opportunity appropriate and inappropriate for the sake of being current and involved in the eyes of… social media? Being tech savvy? Even only for pleasures (what else?) How about those current trends on fashionable illnesses like depression anxiety ADHD schizophrenia bipolar and all those delusional diseases and lifestyles complaints? Chronic conditions that modern medicine don’t want to acknowledge? Thinking of fibromyalgia CFS IBS RA, ME and bunch of disorders I can’t memorize let alone pronounce. Changing partners? (Guilty) Ever so often like changing underwear (Not guilty) Adopting rainbow family like AJ. I don’t know. What it takes to be considered fashionable these days? Tell me.

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Wheel of time Wheel of fortune Wheel of life Wheel alignment… How many words contain wheel… Wheelbarrow Cartwheel Pinwheel Wheelchair… Thousands I guess. Most of them I never heard before or have seen use in a sentence. Life is a circle. A never ending circle. A wedding ring supposed to be symbolizing forever though the symbol of eternity and infinity as we all know isn’t always a ring. The shape of a sideways figure eight, the Ouroboros (or Uroboros) and the Endless Knot, are also symbols of infinity and eternity to name a few. The Armenian symbol of everlasting celestial life looks like a pinwheel and the Egyptians sign for it is the Ankh, or the “Crux Ansata” or ‘cross with a handle. Whatever we think is appropriate symbol of eternal life and rebirth, it is still containing a circle in the middle. It got to be. Life never sit still. It turns and turns with time. And time is infinite. Our life is limited but time on its own is infinite…

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If someone would ask me what kind of superpower I would like to possessed I would say the ability to speak and understand all the existing languages past and present local dialects included. Imagine all the people I could help with the simple yet potent power of communication. I want to talk, hear, understand discover the world the way it really is through languages. Most of the times the real meaning and feeling of the words, the emotion are lost in translation. That’s why I rarely read books which are translated in another language, I know that the expressions, the dialects, the intonations, the sarcasm, the inside jokes and the characters of the characters are changed, contaminated, tampered with when they converted the works in another tongue. I want to understand people beyond their skin colors, religion, ethnicity, nationality, race and education. I want to hear their inner voices, their true selves, their beliefs their dreams, motivations, fears and wisdom. I want them to understand me and what I stand for. I want to share knowledge, hopes and aspirations. I want to be part of other cultures and traditions. I can only experience the real soul of the place when I speak their language, when I’m one of them.

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I was bored so I decided to go shopping, check out what’s on offer, January is after all a sale month. A month-long shopping extravaganza for die-hard shopaholics. I am not one of them. I don’t like crowds to begin with. But crowds that mad frenzy consist of mostly women are dangerous. They are possessed. Eyes vacant, hard determined look on their faces, blindly moving forward, always in a hurry, ready for anything. Scary.

But yesterday I thought I will gamble my chance of being trampled over or get killed and headed for the city. I found the place surprisingly quiet (quiet for this time of the year) I could navigate the streets without so much trouble and able to browse in the shops in peace. Maybe because it was a working day. I will never dream of coming here during the weekends. I’ve learned my lessons.

From between clothes racks patiently scrutinizing every item on sale for fun, I looked up and terror gripped me by the throat I could hardly breathe. Directly opposite me was a tall woman dressed in full black with long dark straight hair and a complexion devoid of any drop of blood she was ash grey. Compare to her, Morticia is a joke.

Look, I love Gothic. I dress in Gothic style once in a while, one look at my blog page and you will know I’m a fan of the dark side. Edgar Allan Poe will always be my hero and Stephen King will always be my favourite author, but this woman is something else. What she is goes beyond fashion statement. It’s not the fact that I can’t place her ethnic origin, or her age or the ethereal way she moves (there is nothing ethereal about her physically for she’s massive) but the feelings she evokes, (in me) the sense of something silent but imminently dangerous like a poisonous cobra poised to strike if provoke or a highly trained assassin who is not your enemy but don’t stand on her way. The feeling of if she chooses, she can harm you in thousands of different ways was at that moment undeniably real.

She didn’t even glance my way. She proceeded in her unhurried manner, a melancholic look on her bloodless face and I was scared. So scared I avoided being in the same aisle with this being. As I watched her glided away, her long black pleated taffeta skirt softly blowing behind her I thought: Who is she and why she looks like that and why I am scared?

I tried to forget what I saw and went in and out of the shops to calm myself and I almost succeeded when coming out of a sports store I saw a man holding something I cannot decipher. He seemed disoriented, looking for something, gone this way, doubled back and went to the opposite direction just to come back again in the middle of the square. You would probably not believe this but he looked like he just stepped out from the set of the Highlander movie. He could be the perfect antagonist to Christopher Lambert. If he would reach under his long black leather jacket and produce a sword and start hacking people’s heads off, it would not surprise me at all. He was dressed for the part perfectly, down to his Doc Marten’s black boots, spiked dog collar and Mohawk hairdo. Like the woman, it was not a fashion statement but a way of life. Simply being themselves. My companion said, perhaps they were together and he was looking for her. I told him that whatever it was, I’m out of there.

We agreed to leave the main street and headed to the small cobbled alleyways to drink coffee somewhere, anywhere.

We like little authentic secluded places to eat, like home restaurants managed by a family or artsy small (trendy) cosy places with limited menu consist of unusual combinations of healthy alternatives fresh ingredients. Combing the establishments on both sides of the street, I saw a door propped open by a bistro chair next to a single table standing on the narrow sidewalk the two items teetering on the edge of the street. I went in and saw that the place contained nothing but a small counter at the end and a couple of tables and chairs on my left standing on a platform leading to a narrow staircase upstairs.

There was an Italian looking lady at the counter wearing a black t-shirt with the restaurant logo on the front and black slacks, a black apron tied neatly around her middle. I smiled at her and said hello. She didn’t return my greeting so I was forced to come closer. What followed was according to my companion more disturbing than the bloodless woman in black and the highlander guy altogether.

The lady stared ahead of her (above our heads) vacantly, unshed tears adorning her sad, sad eyes. She rocked herself back and forth and didn’t react to anything I said, as if we were not there at all. She just continued staring into space oblivious of what’s happening around her. I heard muffled voices up the stairs but couldn’t make out what was being said. Slowly, I walked backwards keeping my eyes on her somewhat confused and for the first time in my life speechless. I didn’t know what to think or make of the situation. Halfway to the door an Italian looking guy came down the stairs and greeted us as if there was nothing wrong, he didn’t even look at the catatonic woman at the counter. He told us that they were about to close for the day and they were out of provision. He smiled and excused himself, closing the door after us.

We walked silently to the car forgetting we were in dire need of refreshments. We didn’t talk about the incidents till after we came home and even then both of us have no clue where to begin. Whenever I think about what I’ve witnessed that day, it’s like recalling fragments of different films I have forgotten I’ve seen in the past. It’s so unreal I can’t believe it really happened. I can think of hundreds of different scenarios and invent thousands of different stories about those people but the truth is I don’t know the truth, I can only guess. And maybe it is better so.

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Outside the Shinto Shrine in Japan, visitors can drop coins in the box and buy this small wooden plaque to write their prayers and wishes and leave it hanging there where the spirits receive them. The practice is very much like what we do in our churches, lighting candles and leave them on the altar burning to accompany our prayers.

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Which do you find more dangerous: wanting nothing, or wanting everything?

I find them equally disturbing. The latter reminds me of all dictators past and present, of kings and queens and almost everything and everyone connected to the words: power, money, greed and wars.

Wanting nothing is also not a good thing. When I read it, immediately I think of suicide, depression, giving up, disinterest and exhaustion. But then again, I heard so many people said I want nothing but meaning exactly the opposite. They are just saying that because they didn’t get what they originally wanted and feeling vindictive and wronged. Sulking also come to mind.

In any way, to me they are both desperate acts. I cannot think of any positive outcome of wanting everything and nothing. Moderation is the key. I saw a documentary once about a tribe in amazon jungle living by the rule of taking only what they need from Mother Nature; nothing more nothing less. Isn’t that a wonderful motto to live by? Excess is the disease of any society. This problem is omnipresent and unavoidable and I do understand but it doesn’t mean I approved. Acquiring only what we need with occasional exception is the best. Hoarding is what happened to all of us. Somehow along the way, we accumulate a lot of excess. I have been there, done that learned my lessons and now trying to live minimalist. Hurrah for clean living.

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THE PAINT IN CHURCHES GETS WORN AWAY QUICKER THAN IN OTHER BUILDINGS. I THINK IT’S THE FRICTION OF THE SOULS. THEY GRIND THEMSELVES AGAINST THE CEILINGS AND WALLS.

IF I COULD REACH FOR SOMETHING BRILLIANT, THAT WOULD BE THE HOME WHICH BEEN DENIED TO ME AND THE PRESENCE OF THE PEACE I'VE NEVER KNOWN...

Why I write

I write to exorcise some ghosts (there are plenty) to make peace with my past, to keep sane, to let skeletons out the closet and occasionally let them dance naked, to vent. I write because I don’t know any better.

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Healology

“Growing up, I always had a soldier mentality. As a kid I wanted to be a soldier, a fighter pilot, a covert agent, professions that require a great deal of bravery and risk and putting oneself in grave danger in order to complete the mission. Even though I did not become all those things, and unless my predisposition, in its youngest years, already had me leaning towards them, the interest that was there still shaped my philosophies. To this day I honor risk and sacrifice for the good of others – my views on life and love are heavily influenced by this.”

― Criss Jami

Musing

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

“I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.”

- Haruki Murakami

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

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Introversion

“...I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

what i’ve been doing…

We were born to be free, to expand our horizons by going where we have never gone before, and not to hang out in the relative comfort and safety of the nest, the known. There is a place within us that is courageous beyond our human understanding; it yearns to explore beyond the boundaries of our daily life.

- Dennis Merritt Jones

Once I had started my solitude, I realized anew that it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless existence for me was in fact in one in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone. My fretful attitude to life left me. Each dead day had its charm.

- Yukio Mishima

It well may be,
That we will never meet again,
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me,
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
By being part of my life…

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.