There was a romantic comedy on Hallmark the other day about a young woman who had been set by her father on a track to become a high-powered lawyer. But instead she met a prince and fell in love.

The interesting part of the movie was not the Cinderella story of the “typical” American Harvard lawyer falling in love and becoming a princess. It was the two sets of conflicts going on throughout the film.

The first was the predicable conflict between what she expected her life to be–what she saw herself as (a career lawyer), and what she wants her life to be. In the standard Hollywood viewpoint, she did not want to be “cooped up in an office 24/7” for years, “while doing meaningless work that does helps no one but some corporation’s bottom line,” or to be a “cog in a machine” with no time for kids.

The second conflict, which was even more interesting, was between the fantastic opportunities that open up for her and the artificial limit in her mind of what she could be or have. She had a chance to take on personal and professional roles that were far more fulfilling than she had ever dreamed, but her responses were, “I don’t belong here.” “This isn’t my real life. It’s a fantasy.” “This is all happening too fast.”

These two conflicts sound familiar. A classic midlife crisis is the conflict between what I dream my life could be and the track that I find myself on. Then as I take action and new opportunities open up, there’s a part of me that wants to pull me back into the “safe” zone of the familiar, even if I am miserable there. In the movie, her wise friend counseled her regarding her first conflict: “You’re life is anything you want it to be.” Because of the second conflict her response was: “There are more important things in life than just being happy.”

To be truly successful in life usually requires us to overcome both sets of conflicts. We have to overcome what we think we’re supposed to do to figure out what we want. But if we figure that out and go for it and begin to succeed, we have to also overcome the feeling of “I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve this.” When I expand in my own mind my concept of what I allow myself to enjoy, I am finally free to experience a higher level of success.

It’s wonderful when a prospect says No. Now it’s clear. Now we’re not wasting each other’s time. Now I can ask the real questions to uncover what they actually want or need.

Sometimes it is about price. After I’ve spent an hour helping her get clear about her goals, then outlining scope of service and detailed custom work, I finally got the price question. And her expectation was much lower that what it will actually take to get what she wants. That’s a good thing! Now we can adjust expectations and she can do some concrete planning. Or I can also refer to a cheaper (and lower quality) service provider. That’s a win! Because I served her and she knows I am at a higher level of quality. She knows my price, and she can come back. Because she will eventually grow to the point where she’s disenchanted with the cheap service provider. In the mean time, she can refer people to me who are looking for quality.

Sometimes it’s about commitment. To invest in a strong marketing program you have to be ready to grow your business. And many times the No is not about me, or the quality of my service, or the pricing, but about the fact that they’re not ready to grow yet. I’ve just helped the prospect get a lot clearer about what they really want. And that’s a tremendous service.

Also, I can stay in service. Don’t write them off. Offer to review the proposal they get from somewhere else. Send articles. Continue to serve in any way I reasonably can that doesn’t take a lot of my time.

You’ve probably never had this problem, but many times in the past I would sit and stare at the list of prospects on my screen, avoiding phone calls. And it wasn’t really because I was afraid of talking to people. Deep down inside, it was because I was afraid of finding out that my list of prospects wasn’t real, that actually I didn’t have any prospects. And if I did talk to people, I’d avoid the closing question. So I would prefer to sit and imagine that my pipeline is full rather than asking for a definite yes or no.

So there I am, maybe sitting with a list of people who would love to buy from me, if I would only ask the question. Or, maybe sitting with a list of people who will never buy from me, but I’m sitting there by the phone waiting for one of them to call me. How sad! Sitting there afraid–afraid to make anything real and concrete, to shine the light on it to see what it really is. Sitting there afraid to know what’s real and what’s not.

My coach helped me to see how disempowering that is. Why not find out? Ask them all right now. And if all of them say no, that’s so liberating! Even empowering! Because now I know what I need to do and I can go out and take action. Fantasy is disempowering and leads to inaction. Reality is empowering and leads to action. And action leads to sales success.

“When riches begin to come, they come so quickly, in such great abundance, that one wonders where they have been hiding during all those lean years.”— Napoleon Hill

In high school, one of the coaches for the swimming and diving team was an Olympic medalist. She would teach the divers some pretty complicated moves. I would watch them practice a new dive awkwardly for days, sometimes for weeks. Maybe with their arms flailing. Maybe sometimes falling flat. Then all of sudden it would click, and the dive would become part of their repertoire. Something they could do over and over again with grace and ease.

Some things take time to click. I’m not talking about sitting around for days waiting for things to turn around. And I’m not talking about practicing the wrong thing for weeks and then getting a different result. These divers were practicing the right thing, in the right way, being taught by a very experienced coach, and it took time.

You’ve probably heard the story of the Chinese bamboo tree. You water it faithfully for five years and nothing grows (above the ground, anyway). Then suddenly after five years it grows 20 feet in a few months. Because during those five years, it was growing an extensive root system underground.

You might say that it took a lot of faith for someone to keep watering the bamboo for five years. That may be true. It would certainly be a lot easier if the person had some experience of bamboo trees sprouting up after five years. If they had seen it and knew that this was possible.

And of course, if the bamboo tree had feelings, it might have gotten frustrated. “What’s the matter with me? I’ve been watered for years and still nothing to show for it!” But the bamboo tree also knows that something is going on underground.

This is also true in selling or in growing a business. Sometimes the inner work goes on for a while and you don’t see the outer result right away. Switching to a service approach is like growing roots. You put out a lot of effort without any visible return. Then all of sudden it takes off.

True effortless selling is comprised of mindset + service + structure. It can take some time to have the insights and acquire the service mindset. Then there are practical systems and tools that take a while to get the hang of. If you stay on the path it can have tremendous results.

But don’t take my word for it. Test it out thoroughly for yourself and see if it works for you.

Melissa Ford is a sales coach known throughout the world for her amazing sales training programs. She talks about the “terror barrier” that stops us from taking the action we know we need to take.

When we’re faced with something that really scares us, the tendency is to want to curl up in a fetal position and hide, like corporal Timothy Upham in Saving Private Ryan. Viewers get angry about at him for not saving his friend—it would have been so easy for him to intervene!—but I can certainly relate to being paralyzed from fear. Even when it’s not a life or death situation. I’m curled up under my desk—or watching cat videos on Facebook—because I’m supposed to make a cold call, yet I just can’t make myself pick up the phone and do it. Because someone might say “no” to me.

Here’s a trick I learned from Melissa that helps me break through the Terror Barrier: Prove to yourself that you’re not going to die. Making that cold call isn’t about succeeding or failing in making the sale. It’s about proving that I won’t die. In fact, I know that I’m going to succeed at not dying when I make that call. Even in my terrified state, I can see the humor in that challenge. And then by proving I’m not dying, I start really living.

P.S. If anyone wants an audio recording of an interview I did with Melissa called “Why I Love Selling,” please email me.

My friend and colleague Nathaniel Montgomery used to teach improv comedy. He noticed that when he asked for volunteers, very few adults would raise their hands. Only the ones who had experience and felt confident in their improv skills would volunteer to come up on stage. But those who were there as beginners to learn improv wouldn’t volunteer to try it.

Logically, that makes no sense. How were they to learn the skill without practicing? But I’m sure many of us can relate. As a general rule, adults only volunteer to play a game that they’re good at. In the improv class, they only wanted to come up if they could have a perfect turn and impress everyone.

Contrast that with the improv classes he taught to children. In the children’s class, when Nathaniel asked for volunteers, every child would raise their hand. They would be wriggling in their seats, waving their hands, hoping to get called on. Even the kids who were on stage because they just had their turn would raise their hands to go again. They didn’t care if they were good or not. They only cared about the fun of playing the game.

The irony is, the more people cared about looking good on stage, the more stiff they were and the worse the performance was. The more they were afraid of being boring, the more boring they were. The more that people did not care about how they performed, the more relaxed they were and the better the performance was. So in the adult improv class, they had a mantra: “I suck and I love to fail.” They did exercises and games that celebrated failure. The more the players became okay with not looking good, the better they looked on stage.

It’s a lot like falling in love. When a young man has decided that Jane is the only woman for him, and he’s got to have a date with Jane or else, and if he doesn’t get Jane to fall in love with him and marry him his life will be over, how relaxed is he going to be in asking Jane out? He’ll probably be so tense that he’ll scare her away. And if he does get the date, he’ll be so concerned about impressing her that he’ll be stiff and formal and needy that she’ll never want to see him again. Have you ever said, “Why do the guys who don’t need a girlfriend attract all the girls? Some people just have all the luck!” But it’s not luck! It’s the fact that they don’t need anything that has them relaxed an fun and just being themselves, and that’s attractive!

How would you be in your sales calls if you didn’t care about making the sale? If you were just having fun with having a conversation with someone and finding out all about their needs and challenges and looking for ways you could help them solve their problems? A lot of us sales people are competitive. But what if we stopped caring about winning, stopped caring about looking good, stopped caring about being the best salesperson, stopped caring about being a success, and just started caring. Caring about our prospects and clients. Having fun with the game.

So be average. Be boring. Be okay with losing. Be okay with failure. Play the game even though you suck. And then you’ll start playing better than you’ve ever played before.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

The Man Who Planted Trees is an inspiring short story that I’ve enjoyed reading and re-reading many times. It is a testament to the power of one man to transform the world and to touch thousands of lives, even if no one knows who he is. It also shows us how happy we can be without the frantic clutter of modern life when our lives are lived in service to others. To me, the story is impressive both at face value and as an allegory of our business and our lives.

During my recent time of planning, I was reminded that the most powerful planning is when we invest our time in activities that will pay off for years to come, not just in the short term.

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