-Instead of putting dye onto silk to make it a color, scientists are just feeding dye to silkworms and then the silkworms make silk that's already a color. I swear to god sometimes I think scientists have the most boring fucking jobs on the face of the earth.

Advertisement

-Four hundred thousand years ago, humans had DNA. And now, 400,000 years later... we still have DNA. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the vaunted "hope and change" we were promised. Sickening.

-A ghost shark doesn't have a stomach. He gets along just fine. But after Bob got gut shot, all he did was complain and complain and then press charges. Reeeal nice work, Bob (<—-Sarcasm). You're lower than a god damn shark.

-Is there a theoretical link between interstellar wormholes and the concept quantum entanglement? Here comes some comedian: "Hey, let's tie a worm in a knot, and then toss it into a hole, to find out! Chuckle chuckle chuckle." Jesus, shut up for once. You don't think they tried that already?

-The Hubble telescope has found signs of water on five alien planets. By "signs of water" we mean empty beer cans. By "alien planets" we mean "trash cans of various neighbors on our block." By "Hubble telescope" we mean "us." By "found" we mean "filched in the dark of night for redemption value." And isn't that what it's all about—redemption?

-Sometimes it's worth taking a step back and marveling at the fact that we now live in a day and age in which the person standing next to you at the supermarket could, at that very moment, be using their smartphone to video chat with their cat, and be named Choire Sicha.

-Psychologists say that liberals suck at politics so much because conservatives believe that everyone is just like them, but liberals believe "they're each unique in their ideology." How many liberals are reading this right now and whining, "But I'm not like that?" Dude, check what you just said!