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Thursday, April 21, 2011

You might be wondering why I don't just post my guts from this blog here on this blog. I mean, it's not like I am two different people.

I'm not two different people. I am me. I am not perfect, though something long ingrained in me thinks I have to be, but to what standard, to what degree? And my perfection looks different from the next guys'. Anyway, I don't think in having my other blog that I am not being true to who I am. The other blog is about my battle with my self-image and my skewered relationship with food.

And it's my journey home. Back home to God, plain and simple, without the complications.

This blog started as a journal about Noah's hospital life. It has served as a place for grief debriefing. It's been a fun place for me to tell Emily stories and do some "show and tell". For some reason in my heart, I can't join the two blogs right now, but I am looking forward to the day I can be done with that blog and not have to "go there" anymore.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Ahhh, Blogger, you didn't recognize me when I logged on because it's been...FOREVER! I've been a little busy, doing a whole lotta this...

My kids loving time with their gramma.

Ry and his monkey ready for bedtime.

The kid loves bath time!

Em LOVES him!

Not crawling yet but scooching around.

(What? Oh yes...you must be a 5'9'' brunette or taller to be in the club :) )

Seriously, is he not the cutest 94 year old you've seen in a long time?!

Spending time with my folks has been so great for me and my ninos!

My little slobber-puss. He has his two lower teeth and they are the best teeth ever :)

I can't even begin to tell you how full my heart is...so many changes are going on in my life right now, but there are some beautiful things that remain...God's radical love for me, my wonderful family and the most amazing friends that I don't even deserve!

I signed off Facebook (where I've been spending my online time) for Lent. I hadn't given up anything for Lent in YEARS. My intentions in giving it up were to really focus on the Easter season, but honestly, giving up FB just freed up more time for me to be with the people I love on a day to day basis. It hasn't helped me to focus more on the earth moving, life-changing reality of all Easter represents...I mean, raising from the dead and conquering death pretty much speaks for itself...Anyway, I don't think I'll be giving up anything for Lent in the future...we need to be intentional with Christ all the time, not just 40-some odd days in the spring...

Anyway, not farting around on Facebook or the internet has really freed up a lot of time for me to just be a mama. Not to mention the fact that I stepped down from being the women's pastor at our church after 3 1/2 years, so that's freed up a bit of time and heart space.

And what do I do with all that time, you ask?!

Well, I've been having fun with my peanut, Emily...watching her blossom in her fluency in reading, her knowledge of God's word, her love of world history and earth science, namely rocks. She'll be going to a local Outward Bound Expeditionary Learning school next year so I am savoring our final weeks of homeschooling together...bittersweet, but I assured her we'll still do fun things at home to learn as a family.

And, I've been just shy of cannibalism with my already 7 month old baby guy! I eat his cheeks and nibble on his super yummy chubby wrists and smooch his toes and with each nibble and kiss I literally thank God for the opportunity to be a mom at the UBER young age of 39...an age I thought I'd never be a mom to an infant at, but nonetheless, am so thankful to be!

Jason said to me the other day, "It makes me so happy to see how much joy Ryan brings to your life..." That is one observant husband, I tell ya, because I am so in love with Ryan I can't begin to describe it to you.

I've thought about Noah a bit more lately...maybe it's the fact that Ryan has surpassed Noah's final age of 7 months and 2 days by over a week? I'm not really sure. It's not that I don't think of Noah, it's that the peace that God has given my heart in knowing he is truly, deeply, safely rooted in God's arms, I don't worry about him or longingly mourn for him, if that even makes sense? Maybe it's the fact that I no longer can compare Ryan to Noah...Ryan is just Ryan...a healthy, beautiful, really, really, really good baby that only looks like his big brother but isn't like him in any other way...at least not healthwise. And. Praise. God. For. That.

Honestly, I've felt selfish lately just eating up all the time I get to have with my kids. I could use a few dates out with the old hubster, but we'll get there. We did go out with our friends as pictured above, just a few weeks ago. I can't begin to tell you how much I love these people. It's like the way David and Jonathan felt about one another. At least that's how I feel about them!

Life really is too short to keep using the excuse of being too busy to spend time with the people that you love...just do it!

One beautiful thing that time has provided me with lately is the opportunity to start writing again...only it's not what you may think...

I'm not writing my book just yet...

It's better...

I'm writing a masterpiece...

And by "I'm writing" I mean, I am copying the Bible...and not by Xerox, mind you...

I've read the Bible several times in the last 25 years...and then, about a month ago, I felt very strongly in my heart to start handwriting the Bible...word for word. I can't even begin to tell you how rich this time has been for me. I'm not going to lie...it's gonna take a heckofalotta time, but by writing it out, with my super fine Sharpie, it's getting into my heart and becoming alive again. Em has already asked me for the final piece when I am done...so, you know what THAT means?! Yeah, that I'll have to hand write another copy for Ryan...sheesh!

So yeah...that's my report. I have more to divulge...like super juicy stuff...like skeletons in my closet type stuff, but I'm going to bed for now. I will share it soon, I promise. You may not care, or, let's be honest, there may not even be anyone out there reading anymore...but I have a feeling I'm not the only one with this skeleton in my closet, so just maybe it will encourage you on your journey...

About Me

Not a lot...and probably too much. I'm simple and complicated. I'm completely random and totally calculated. I'm a talker and a listener, an idealist, a realist and a dreamer. I am a living oxymoron. I love God more than I can put into words and am thankful that I don't have to try to live this life out on Earth without Him. My husband and kids are my most favorite! My family and friends are true gifts from God. I'm finally 40-ish and I think it's fabulous! Pain and suffering are two things I have embraced because in walking through them, I am learning to live life to the fullest. One. Day. At. A. Time.