13 February 2009

Dear Split End Salon

Dear Split End Salon (Aurora Village in Shoreline, WA)

Thank you for the complimentary hair cut I received at your shop yesterday. Of course, the term "complimentary" loses its value a bit when it means free because we fucked your hair up so badly that we couldn't, in good conscience, charge you.

Please let your stylist Laura know that the Kristy McNichol look is over. As is the Florence Henderson mushroom top with accompanying flip. It wasn't cute then, and it's really just laughable now. The short, choppy layers, the butchered bangs, the feathering? Not flattering, and so not necessary. Let it go. Yes, I admit, I was crushing on Shaun Cassidy in the 70s, but do you really think I want to see an older, fatter version of him staring back at me from my mirror? That shit's not funny. This morning, while brushing my teeth, I had the overwhelming urge to pull a crazyass Britney Spears move with my son's clippers.

Also, I'd like to point out that the last thing a client wants to hear while sitting in one of your vinyl chairs, is the stylist sucking in her breath with an, Oh, Jesus! I'm so sorry... Yeah, really, that sentence should just never be uttered in a hair salon. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's legal cause for a justifiable beatdown.

Apparently, your current hiring practices include taking on the layoffs from Super Cuts, because I haven't had such a bad haircut since my mom swindled me into getting the Dorothy Hammill in 4th grade. Even the basic training cut I got at Fort Jackson worked better than this. Truth be told, my drill sergeant's cut worked better than this. And he was bald.

When family, friends and colleagues do not reassure you with the requisite Bad Haircut Platitudes, you know it's bad. When your new haircut draws no comments at all, and you work around all women and gay men, it's a sure sign something has gone awry.

When you pathetically resort to fishing for compliments and only receive So ... what made you cut your hair? or Are you going to grow it out again? that's a clue that someone with some scissors fucked up your head in a major way. (Looking at you, Laura.) My own son brought me pity-coffee at work today. He also snapped a picture of my head with his cell phone before running away. I'm pretty sure it's already been sent to his sisters at college, or possibly posted on the Interwebs.

A military high-and-tight suddenly doesn't seem quite so drastic. I will not, however, be coming to your shop to get it. In fact, I will never set foot in your salon again. I've made sure to tell anyone who asks, exactly where I got my "interesting haircut". Nothing like a living, breathing - and yes, crying - advertisement, is there?

In closing, may I suggest you screen your stylists a bit more carefully? In this economy, I'd imagine you have lots of potential hires to choose from. A little quality control would be nice. You had a good thing going - Adrienne, Halona, or Nicole M. would never have let this shit go down. Your standards have slipped.

And Laura, honey, you need to know that being apologetic and friendly does not make up for me living with this fucked-up, feathered shag on my head. I'm sure you're a nice person, but you should not be wielding scissors in a professional capacity. If I were you, I'd cross the street if you see me coming any time in the next few months. If I knew where you lived, I'd put Nair in your shampoo bottle. That may sound bitchy -- okay, unhinged -- but listen, honey, someone actually used the word "bouffant" in a conversation with me today. Again, that shit's not funny.

Split End Salon, I spit in your general direction. Thanks for the memories.

Willym: Actually, that's just what I thought myself, upon glancing in the mirror this morning: "Oh my god Cowbell looks just like Shaun Cassidy". That shit scared the bejeezus out of me -- I'd forgotten. My bathroom mirror woke me up real fast this morning. Thanks for the sympathy. The Bohemian told me to use a head wrap, as she sometimes does, but when white girls try to pull off that look, people start pitying you and asking you how your chemo's going.

RG: No, it's not a mullet. Just very short, poofy, feathery, blended layers. If I flip it up, it's Kristy in the small pic. If I try to fix that shit and blow it under, Florence appears. And yeah, I should've gone to Capitol Hill. Although rollers would really make this shit a laughingstock. This is what I get for waiting so long between hair cuts. When none of your stylists are still working at a salon, don't just let them shuffle you off to the next person available. And no wonder she was available. Why did I have to take the 1:10 appointment? Why didn't I go for the later appointment?

wow..what a bummer..I think you should shave it all off..or wear a scarf..I once wore a scarf on my head for a few days and everyone all of a sudden was really nice to me..they thought I had cancer..oh well I sucked up their niceness while it lasted.

Dye it hot pink and tease the fuck out of it. Fuck em if they can't stand your counterculture coolness. I suggest fishnet stockings and a leopard print mini skirt to round out the look (oh, and red high top converse all-stars) I kid, sorry for your hair fiasco. It really is a sucky thing to have happen.

DL: Mine hasn't grown out yet. Come on, it's been 3 days! So I spent a half hour on my hair this morning. A half hour. I am not a prissy preener. And to spend a half hour, and not be able to look in the mirror afterward and say, "Damn. That's hot", well, it really sucks.

Slingster: Hmm, sounds like a sneaky trick to me. Was she anti-'stache? A friend and I once shaved my boyfriend's chest. It was quite sexy. For about 2 days. Then I had to hide from him.

Evil-G: HAHAHA! It might be an improvement at that!

Sageweb: Yeah, my daughter said to wear a head wrap. But seriously, she can pull that shit off and look fanfuckingtastic, but when white girls do it, people assume you're fighting the good fight with chemo. Which is dumb, but there you go. Same story with a wig.

Tater: You know ... that may not be a half-bad idea, considering what it looks like now.

BG: Seriously. Look at Kristy. That's my hair. You know how people say things like that, but it's an exaggeration to add humor? So not the case here.

Oh honey, believe me, I TOTALLY feel your pain. I had to recut mine myself. It's pretty short now, but at least it looks decent and I don't look like an escapee from "Pretty in Pink." Wish I could come over with my scissors and clean you up. Short of that, Dora's advice is pretty darn good.