Brian Semel

For those of you who don’t know, there is a major controversy right now among the coffee-drinking community over Starbucks’ iconic red holiday cups, which, for those of you following along at home, are the objects which contain the coffee. Cups. Nothing could matter less. And yet Starbucks is in the midst of a publicity shit-show because some of the more hyper-religious of its customers are disappointed by the lack of religious iconography on its holiday cups. Unfortunately, parties on all sides are missing the point.

The point is that the holidays are a month and a half away. It’s not even December. We can’t jump on the Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza/New Years/Winter Solstice bandwagon until we celebrate Thanksgiving. Why is Christmas music playing in the mall at all? Why have we had like a gazillion presidential debates for an election that’s a year away? What the fuck is going on?

Au Bon Pain is doing it right. Their “holiday” cups are gray and have little stars on them. Look outside. That’s the spirit of the present moment. The weather sucks and is only going to get worse. Ho, ho, ho. Halloween just ended.

Recently trending on Facebook was the release of Dunkin’ Donuts new holiday cups, “amid the cup controversy.” Truly, no dumber words have ever been typed in the history of seasonal accouterments. And it’s not as if things are just slow for news outlets. In fact, the amount of vital stories happening right now — with extremely important AND tangible implications across the nation — is almost impossible to digest. News is what should be happening right now. Not people’s response to cups which fail to recognize events almost two months away.

I honestly don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore. I need a coffee. I guess I’ll just make it myself and put it in a bowl. Not trying to throw my hat in the ring like this guy.

Despite Providence being the “Creative Capital” (in a unanimous poll of only Providence), Halloween costumes tend to fall into pretty predictable categories at Brown. Here’s a rundown of the various families of Halloween costumes that we year after year on campus, and what they say about you:

A pop culture reference from the 90s

What’s that? You’re Johnny Tsunami?! Awesome! Relevant! You’re just a 90s kid at heart, despite the fact that in 2000 you were only a six year-old. That Disney Channel Original movie/Nickelodeon cartoon has really stood the test of time. This kind of costume screams, “I’m going to have a lot of conversations tonight that go, ‘oh yeah I remember that movie…good one.’”

Nope. We won’t regret this as the night goes on at all.

A current pop culture reference

How many people are going to be characters from Bob’s Burgers? What about that gold/blue dress? The sharks from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl show? If you go with this route, people will generally think, “Oh! This is a person who has Wi-Fi. Nice!”

A Brown buzzword costume

It’s totally awesome that you are the patriarchy for halloween, but like, maybe it’s not as clear as you think it is. Does heteronormativity count as a costume if you’re just dressed like, you know, a vague stereotypical male? If you are a Brown buzzword, it probably means you go here.

A profession

So, like, you’re a doctor? Or lawyer? Clown? Is this halloween or dress up? Are you just trying to tell us you plan on going to grad school? Whatever. Dress for the job you want and dress for success.

“MerMAN, pop! MerMAN!”

A political costume

The lines between Bernie Sanders, Larry David, and Wood Allen are pretty vague on Halloween, so I’d be careful. You’ll also probably get kicked out of a party if you dress as Trump. Tread lightly. Waiting for whoever is presidential candidate Kanye West and First Lady Kim K. This kind of costume inevitably advertises, “I’m a democrat. This is a scathing review of our bipartisan political system but also ayooooo Happy Halloween!”

A couples/group costume that makes no sense or is stupid

You and your friends all have this awesome idea when you are flavors of Ben and Jerry’s. Or colors of Crayola crayons. Or Greek gods until you realize that all of the Greek gods kind of look the same and you’re all just wearing sheets.You want to be all the girls from the “Bad Blood” music video? What will people guess you are when your group splits up?

That said, you and your significant other should totally be a plug and a socket. Get it? Just think about it.

I mean, where do I even begin? You all have been pretty nosy this week, what with the finding water last Monday. And NASA releasing all those pictures! I mean some solitude would be nice, really. Just because you all like looking your house up on Google Earth doesn’t mean you get to involve other planets in your sick voyeurism. We didn’t ask to be number one at the box office this weekend. We are a species which values privacy, and if you can’t give us that, at the very least, accuracy please.

First of all, Matt Damon is not a Martian. He just isn’t. Being on Mars does not make you a Martian any more than visiting China makes you Chinese. And if you want to call Mars a, “hostile environment”, maybe stop trying to sell planetary colonization efforts to the public (cough cough NASA/SpaceX/MarsOne). No one is making you come. No one is making you stay.

That said, the performances were pretty good. I would listen to Jessica Chastain tell me to do anything. Donald Glover and Kristen Wiig actually killed the high budget drama. Although, I’m not entirely sure I count this as a drama. Matt Damon did say the words, “I’m going to have to science the shit out of this”, so let’s take the category of drama with a grain of salt. Who wrote this thing? He also talks to his plants a lot.

I know, I know. You wanted your roommate to be your best friend forever immediately upon meeting them. Disappointed? What? Those crazy high expectations weren’t met before mid-September rolled around? Tough it up. It could be worse. Your roommate could be a cult leader.

Never forget the Boy Meets World cult episode. Ever.

Everything was going great. One week into college and things seem to be almost too perfect. Shopping period wasn’t as bad as everyone said, the lines at the Ratty have been under control, and your roommate… woah. In a word: divine. The most charismatic person you’ve ever met. Almost magnetic. I mean, never before have you seen people flock to a single personality with such fervor. It’s nuts. I guess that’s just the kind of place Brown is, you think. A place where 18-year-olds effortlessly attract the attention of scores of their peers. Did they come here with all these friends, or did they just really kill it at the ice cream social?

But, like, it’s a little weird though. Right? You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach. You message your friends from home. Nothing conspicuous, of course. Just the typical, “Yeah college is s00oooo fun. The usual stuff. Drinking, classes, nothing out of the norm. Do any of ur roommates host really large but pretty tame chanting sessions in your room? Random question, just asking, hope ur good lol.” Continue Reading

What makes a classic text “a classic”? In my indisputable, expert opinion it’s when a piece of writing so perfectly encapsulates a feeling that was previously thought to be indescribable. Speaking as a Jew, I can say that “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” is a classic because it is able to instill the feeling of what it is like to be a child on Christmas Eve. Inspired by this work, I have also attempted the impossible with what will soon be declared a classic, no doubt. Behold “‘Twas the Week Before Finals.“

’Twas the week before finals, and all through the school,All the students were freezing, for the SciLi was cool;
The notes were lined up on the laptop with care,
But so was Facebook, so you know they’ll look there.

The children were nestled, all snug in their beds;But you’re not a child, and you feel almost dead;
Health Services says eat well and sleep tight,
But an Oreo and an Aderall also feels right.

The Naked Donut Run is said and done,So you’ve nothing to dream of till holidays come.
Your friends, they are leaving and saying goodbye;
So you study alone, and then just get high.

You should have taken that class S/NC,Relax, you over-achiever, you’ll still get a B.
“I won’t get a job, I won’t do my best!”
Relax, you monster: It’s only a test.

Your home friends take selfies and post them online,
Stop looking and study and you’ll be just fine;
My god, get off Buzzfeed or you’re going to fail,
Stop procrastinating by checking your mail!

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and give thanks. Re-watching The Emperor’s New Groove made me (and hopefully you too) consider four things to be especially thankful for.

Everyone loves you

You are the emperor of an undisclosed land

I don’t know about you, but I run a vast empire and plan on building a new summer palace on top of a charming village filled with wholesome people, because I am a selfish man who doesn’t know right from wrong. People cannot throw off my groove. People cannot touch me. Life is good. If that sentiment rings true for you, you have something to be thankful for: immense wealth and no moral compass. And no one is trying to dethrone you.

You are a great cook

Thanksgiving is about the food, let’s be real. Family is nice. Your own bed is nice. But food is forever. You’ll eat it until the day you die, so you might as well be a crazy good chef. Your spinach puffs are on point, and you should be thankful.

You

Not you

You are a human

Let’s be honest. Humans are lucky because we have TV (among other things). And we really don’t make up that much of the living things on earth. Scientists say that 86% of the species on earth might not have been discovered yet, and there are already like, a lot. You know? And we’re pretty new on a geological time scale. It would suck to be a llama, for example. That was pretty arbitrary. But even a cat. You have two legs and words, so you’re doing alright, and should express your gratitude.