Bears? Ha! The Turtles Are Out to Kill You!

Turtles: slow, armored, old, and deadly. Sure, you might find it “cute” the way they bumble along, scritch-scritch-scritching across lake-bound logs with their tiny little claws. You might coo at them as they blink at you slowly from the terrarium with heavy-lidded eyes. You might giggle as they retract their heads into their shells like penises shrinking in the cold. But make NO mistake! Turtles want to end your life.

I know that this may be old news to some, but I feel our diligence to the great turtle threat may have diminished in recent years. How do I know? Check out this terrifying story:

Authorities began investigating in September 2007 after a Union County, N.C., teen swam in her backyard pool with two pet turtles and a friend from South Carolina. Both girls developed bloody diarrhea, vomiting, fever and stomach cramps; one developed kidney failure and spent eight days in the hospital.

Have we become so lax as to let our children swim with turtles? Our children, for goodness sake? I guess we’ve forgotten that turtles are clearly out to murder the human race (or at least cause us great intestinal distress for a series of days) by harboring salmonella.

It wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t so damn cute. They’ve lulled us into a deadly complacency with all their slow reptilian charms. Consider this:

Inverness, Florida — The Great American Cooter Fest is returning to Citrus County, from October 23 - 25.

The festival takes its name after the area's local turtles [emphasis mine].

And how are these turtles celebrated? I’ll tell you. They’re celebrated with the world’s largest traveling collection of Lynyrd Skynyrd memorobelia, a “Cooter Idol and Miss Cooter competition,” as well as a “Cooteriffic Coed Softball Classic.” Damn you, diabolical turtles!

You may as well call your “Cooterfest” the “Salmonella Spree.” People will surely die.

Don't You Dare Put That Cooter in Your Mouth!

And while festivals dedicated to turtles are clearly high-risk situations, the turtle plot is actually most terrifying when it comes to the little ones. At certain stages in their life cycle, through crafty use of evolution, turtles have made themselves irresistibly bite sized, putting our orally fixated toddlers at great risk. Indeed, swimming with turtles seems to be the least of our worries. According to the same article, “Other cases turned up elsewhere, many involving direct contact with turtles, including children kissing turtles or putting them in their mouths…” Other elsewhere cases totaled 41 in 2007, in states as diverse as California and Illinois.

The clouds of the turtle onslaught grow ever darker on the horizon. The following footage was recently released, which I suspect is documentation of the next great turtle push in the mass murder of humanity:

While I can’t say that a turtle caused the above explosion, I can’t necessarily say it didn’t either. All I can say is watch your back.