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Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Dairy Queen and I went to Costco to get some supplies--240 loaves of bread, a lifetime supply of apples, a tub of Twizzlers, 1,400 frozen party quiches, and some diaper wipes. We got a case of 8 packs of 88 natural baby booty wipers. The math: 8x88=enough wipes to tie together and pull a Spaniard across the Atlantic Ocean. Or enough wipes to satisfy EGB for approximately 24 hours.

When unloading the goods. It looked like one of those pictures of from the DEA in which they stopped a record amount of drugs from coming across the border. I don't work for the DEA--I represent the vigilante Diaper Wipe Cartel of West-Central Colorado. We're just trying to stop diaper rash from spreading on the streets and prevent doody from getting on the sheets. Our motto is, "Wipe Front To Back Or There's Gonna Be Trouble". Keep it real.

This past Saturday at 4:25 AM we celebrated EGB's 1 month appearance on Planet Earth. I mention "Earth" because she has expressed her association with interplanetary species. Typically, when someone brings up the topic of their relationships to life forms on other planets, I'll ask if they know Tom Cruise. If they don't know him, I'll suggest that they should meet and walk in the other direction. If they do know him, I'll say nothing else and walk in the other direction. Fast.

Now, since this is my daughter we're talking about and I don't have the heart to walk away from her in her time of milky needs, I engaged her in the conversation. It went something like this-

"Soooooo.., Ellie....You are telling me you're from another planet?"

"Yes, Papa D. It's an amazing place where it rains milk and bears ride skateboards."

"Ummm. Ok. So are you really my daughter or were you sent here to single-handely destroy every diaper known to man?"

"Silly Papa D. Of course you're my daddy. I found you and mom on Craigslist and got a good deal on you both. Now take me to your leader!"

That's a relief. She's our daughter. However, I don't remember putting the ad up on Craigslist stating that we were willing to parent an alien, but weird things do happen with lack of sleep.

So I did what any father would do when told that his daughter is from another planet. Take video footage.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Please refer to the June 18th entry in which I referred to the battery-powered Tarzan swing as a miracle problem solver. I take that back. That was not the truth. In fact, I think whomever designed the swing actually hates me and was trying to punish me for all those bad things I did when I was a kid. The more the chair's features were utilized to "relax" EGB the more she roared. At one point, I believe she yelled, "THIS CHAIR IS TERRIBLE!!!!! TURN OFF THE STUPID ELEVATOR MUSIC!! I'D PREFER 5,000 PAPER CUTS!!!! NOW I GOT A DIAPER WEDGIEEEEEE!!" Or something like that.

So who is this swing for? It's for parents that wish to induce colic in their newborns. If this is you, then this swing is right up your alley. That should be the slogan of this product, "Tarzan Swing Chair-Why Be Happy? Induce Colic in Your Newborn." or "Tarzan Swing Chair--Pay Us Money and We Guarantee Your Newborn Will Never Sleep". I spent all weekend trying to think of an enemy that was having a child so that I could send them this chair as a "gift". There was no one that I would wish this swing on.

I've been thinking of ways to exact my revenge upon the swing creators. I thought about going to Taiwan and throwing diapers at the swing-creator's house at 3AM, but I've heard they don't tolerate that kind of business there. And I'm not about to end up in a foreign prison over some chair.

So we just boxed up the swing, which of course doesn't even come close to fitting back into the box because it was originally packed by a rocket scientist. Loaded up the family wagon and took the happy family on our daily pilgrimage to the Babies-R-Milk-Addicts store to see if they'll accept the torture swing in exchange for anything.

They better take this swing back or I'm going to protest at the Democratic National Convention. The Dairy Queen first gracefully gained the cashier's trust . Then went for the kill and returned the swing with flying colors! Now, the lady in the picture on left glaring at me--SHE looks like she may be real trouble. EGB oblivious to the chaos, but remarkably happier now that the swing has been eradicated. Another mission accomplished by Papa Dangerous and his side-kick, Dairy Queen.Side note: On the way in the store I saw this lost pacifier in the parking lot. At first, I thought it was funny. Then I realized that it was sad as it couldn't have been the only lost pacifier. Therefore, please join me for a moment of silence in remembrance of all the lost pacifiers that have lost their companions. More importantly, let us hope that the parents of these companions didn't have a trip home from hell because their baby's binky was in a Babies R Us parking lot getting run over by minivans, instead of their child's mouth doing it's work.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

My they grow up so quickly. Just last week she was getting swaddled and napping on the Boppy. And now this week she's....well, still getting swaddled and napping on the Boppy, but she's 5 days older which is like 1 year in dog years.

It's a tough economy out there for newborns, but it's my hope that in 5 more days EGB will have a job..or at least, a reality tv show. Or sell some EGB t-shirts in downtown...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

So we went to the Babies R Us a.k.a Baby-Supply-Store-Designed-To-Overwhelm-New-Parents-To-The-Point-Of-Desiring-To-Take-A-Vacation-To-A-Turkish-Prison and bought a battery-powered Tarzan rocker-swing. 30 minutes was spent reading assembly directions in 27 languages while trying to sneak in a dinner of leftovers with a side of leftovers.

Which reminds me, on the way to the Babies R Milk Fiends Store we decided to turn on the Radio China station on the satellite radio in hopes to encourage multi-lingualism for EGB. It appears to have worked. I think she just ordered some Mongolian Beef from the neighbor's phone.

Anyway, I put the metal parts together, cranked the rocker to a nice steady rotation, and let the batteries do their work. She's been asleep for 15 minutes now.

Glory B, Alla-kazam! The Milk Wizard is out...that is, until she realizes that we've tricked her and paid four Energizer C batteries to be her parents. When she comes to, she may come out swinging, but I will sure to immobilize her with a double-shot of milk to protect you all from her fury.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Welcome Teddy Linz to the wild world! He arrived last week (or at least I think it was last week with my warped sense of time these days.) Congrats Caroline, Brian, and Charlie (big brother). We can't wait to all get together and have EGB meet Teddy.

Of course, please tell Teddy not pull any monkey business. I will be supervising all visits from boys until she's 30.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I know you've been sitting there all day and night with your hand on the mouse hitting the "refresh" button over and over waiting for the next blog update. As of today, you will no longer have to do such a tedious thing. I've figured out a way to add an email subscription service to the blog! It is my understanding that if an update occurs to the blog, the service will send you all updates from that day by 1PM MST. Give it a try.

On the first page of the blog there is a box in the upper-left to enter your email. You will receive a confirmation email in which you must click the link to begin receiving updates.

It's all still getting worked out so my apologies in advance if there are any kinks with the subscription service. In the future, please report any issues to the outsourced EGB customer service center in India.

I woke up and just figured we'd stay in the house, close the blinds, maybe take a family vacation to the basement, change 12 trillion diapers, play the "who does this baby look like" game for a few hours and that would be it for Father's day. In bed by 3 PM.

Nooooo, The Dairy Queen had other ideas. There was an 8am reservation made in downtown Golden for a Father's Day buffet. First of all, notice the reservation time. 8am. We were there with all the other vampires of the night a.k.a parents and kids, and some old folks who were already on their 6th cup of coffee. Secondly, this was no sissy whipped cream buffet. This was a man's buffet. I'm talking hunks of meat, fried fish, ribs, raw oysters, processed pork products, dinosaur eggs, ham knuckles, sheeps, goats, rocks, gasoline....all for breakfast. Nothing makes you feel more manly then gnawing on some bones for breakfast. I'm not sure I felt "fatherly", but I sure felt good.

Ellie, was on her best behaviour, we didn't have to call Mr. Manager (this was the mythical rule enforcer that my Uncle Freddy used to say would come out of the kitchen with numchucks if we were acting up at the table when we were kids...or at least, that's the way I remember it), and enjoyed sleeping in her carseat next to Papa.

Drink menu. Is 8am to early for a Margarita. Yes. Too early for fried fish and hushpuppies? No.

Did you know they make Tabasco sauce bottles for newborns? EGB said, "Whoah, you crazy papa! I'm on a strict diet of milk."After the man-meal, I figured it was time to go to the house and do man-things like put on a new roof or pee in the yard, but EGB requested a walk to the creek. As her noble father, I happily obliged, put on my British War Admiral cap, saluted the limber folks at the yoga studio, and led charge to the mighty Clear Creak. At least that's what I think this hat is...picked it up 2nd hand for costume purposes and have no idea what it's origins are. I hope it's not some offensive hat representing some oppressive military regime in Africa, because I'm not like that. If you can identify it's origin, you'll be the first winner of my blog sweepstakes. Whew, after fighting off Starbucks villians and suburban road bikers with skintight Powerbar shirts we ended up at the creek. All in Line! Hands Up! Mission Accomlished!Now it's time to relax.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Babies....wine.....wine...babies. Yes, babies do whine and yes, that may cause Papa Dangerous to want to drink a few bottles of wine. However, parenthood and drinking bottles of wine don't mix. Unless, of course, its Passover and then it's time to break out the Maneshevitz and party like it's Bar Mitzvah season. Regardless, it dawned on me today that we've been holding Ellie in pictures like a restaurant server would hold a bottle of wine.

The server says, "Excuse me madame, is this the baby you ordered? We have an excellent baby here from Colorado. She's a 2007 which was a splendid year for baby making. Aged approximately 9 months to be served on May 31, 2008. You'll take her? Great! The manager will be happy to see these babies selling so well."

Today's Selections:

Grandpa Alan with an excellent 2008 EGB.

"Uncle" Mike with a wonderful 2008 EGB Papa Dangerous with the freshest 2008 EGB available. Some guy in Hoboken with a bottle of Boones Farm. It's no EGB. Not even close.

Ellie woke up this morning and told me that the best thing about being a newborn is the presents she has received. She has requested that no one buy anything "un-fun" for mommy or daddy like breast pads or burp cloths. For example, here is a picture of her playing in her new interactive boppy wild-colored play station with light up moths and talking plastic objects that she received from her favorite cousins in Chicago--Allison, Al, Cara, and Jonah. Thanks Cuzs...now she's fluent in Trigonometry, working on Italian, and is developing a way to levitate out of the crib with brain power.

Side note:

This blog entry just took 2 hours. Jay is taking a nap and I'm on Papa Dangerous duty. Of course, Ellie decided it was fuss-time so I pulled all my tricks out and spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to put on a new shirt because she peed on the shirt she was wearing right as I pulled off the dirty diaper. Then she proceeded to test my baby relaxation tricks inventory (grand total of 2)...So I decided to expand my trick inventory to 3 by placing EGB in the car seat, put her in the stroller, and walked her around the kitchen. Like magic...she's sleeping.....for now.

I have to say I have even more respect than ever for my wonderful wife, partner, and friend Jay. Watching her kick butt in labor and jump right into feeding EGB proved to me that women are tougher then us and that being The Dairy Queen for EGB is no easy task. I love her and look forward to parenthood with her.

It's a Girl!!! Oh...I know what you're thinking. You knew it was a girl, but did you know her name was going to be Ellie Gray Bohrman? Ha. She's known on the streets as EGB. We love her and as far as we can tell she loves us. She may be scared of me in this picture, but it's all done in the name of love and a dash of entertainment. They don't call me Papa Dangerous for nothing....actually they don't Papa Dangerous. I'm not even dangerous. Except one time I ate a whole large pizza myself--that was pretty dangerous.

A lot of people have been asking how are the dog, Calvin, and Ellie getting along. After a long heart-to-heart with all interested parties, issues such as daily walks and scheduled ball throwing were agreed upon by the union. Therefore, Calvin and Ellie are now tight and are in the early stages of bonding. Calvin has licked her feet and some crust off her face---that's dog for "I'm glad you're here. Lets team up and break things in the house together."