Schedule

Calendar

Drinking Liberally Cincinnati

In a stunning admission yesterday, former presidential candidate Al Gore admitted during a speech to Oxford University students in England that he and a group of friends made up everything he's ever said about global warming. According to Gore...

...I was sitting around after I lost the 2000 election, and I was all pissedoff. Then one day Tipper handed me a copy of the most recentNewsweek, and they had an article about this global warming thing. So Isaid, hey, no one really knows what's going on with this, I could probably keepmyself busy talking about this for a long time.

As the shocked gathering of students listened in disbelief, Gore went into greater detail about his expertise, or lack thereof, of climate related issues:

...yeah, I made up a lot of that shit. Greenhouse gases, that was apretty fun one to toy around with, no one really knows what that means, so youcan just throw that phrase out there and people go all 'oooh, that'sscary'.

Polar bears are dying off in record numbers? Holy fuck we had funcoming up with that one. Like anyone's going to go up there and try andcount them, who's calling us on that bullshit? That's like shooting fishin a barrel. And the ice caps melting? Ha! Did you hear about all the snow we got in the U.S. this winter? Please, if they're losing mass, Rosie O'Donnell is a heterosexual Barbie doll model.

The hard one was convincing people that a one degree increase could reallybe dangerous for the world. I mean, think about it, you can push a buttonon your thermostat and take care of that in ten minutes, but you barely feelit. We really struggled there, I think we ended up just saying it hurt thedolphins or some shit like that. You know all those lefty fucktards, justsay it hurts the cute fishies and they all go throw out their cans of tuna orbuy tofu blocks.

During a Q&A session, one flabbergasted student pressed him on how he was able to make An Incovenient Truth so convincing.

That was some seriously screwed up bullshit. I pulled most of thatout of my ass ten minutes before filming. Truth be told, I was scared todeath. You saw me in the presidential debates, I'm not a very good speakerwithout a good script. But I'd taken a few improv classes that were taughtby the skinny guy on Whose Line Is It Anyways, so I felt pretty goodabout winging it. Most of my motivation for doing the movie was to ride upand down on that scaffold thing and use a pointer stick. Seriously, thatshit rocked!

And the best part was, I got a fucking Oscar out of it. ThoseHollywood morons are so desperate to stick it to Bush that they'll give one ofthose trophies to anyone that says that Bush is wrong. I could have heldup a sign for 90 minutes that said "Bush kills kittens" and they would have beengetting in line to service me.