I wrote the poem below after having an interview months ago- then later on sometime I turned it into a song. The whole thing is about that process: preparing for the interview, trying to stay positive only to have a moment pass where you know you’ve been rejected. Anyway, I don’t usually use poems like this as lyrics, but I loved the escape it gave if nothing else.

And For What?

I showed up, sweetly.
So clean and decently draped,
A smile and lifted gaze,
With all things acceptable and
Perfectly placed.

Yet, once the uniform questions began to be spoken
I was punctured by the edge.
Life and death between your pen and written,
Ripping at my flesh.
Sickened to feel I am a threat – I am the unwanted.

My soul is handed over
All is done.
Lacking faith for the risks I take…
Meaninglessly overcome.

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I put together a gift package for my mother this week, just because. A gift card, small box of chocolates and a scarf I saw her admiring. I feel bad for her having to be the only one around when I go through my low moods. Putting up with my distant and cold behavior…She’s far more patient with me than I’ll ever be toward myself.

Here is a piano cover of a song I love listening to. It’s by Fallulah called “Give Us A Little Love”. I tried it one day just hoping to feel better.

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I’ll be scheduling an appointment next week. Over a month since the last therapy session, things have not gotten better as I thought they would by now. Maybe nothing is working or will work. I’m stuck like this just until. What’s worse is I just have to be okay with that. Survive and pretend there is no other choice.

Trapped to feel every moment
A painful dying…
So far under, I forget faith – I forget need.
No longer will I fight for what has never fought for me.

They tell me to survive it, but why when I’ve
Only ever sought for the end?
They will never hear me in the way I’ve needed to be heard.
Never sharing enough words, or filling up with enough worth.

On love I don’t deserve…
And to survive this, I must hurt.
Leave me to the worst I’m given,
The worst I am –
Never witnessed enough to be saved from.

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Sorry for the loudness. I wrote this set of lines during another pathetic fit of frustration.

In a low right now, I’d like to settle with ‘no’ and be over with. This is what having no hope for one’s life feels like. And I can talk to no one about it. I’m made to feel wrong as if I’ve said something that can’t possibly be taken seriously.

But if I refuse to do this anymore and just try one day, it might work. It might work- to my advantage- and then what? Nothing. I believe that more than anything else. If you knew me you couldn’t say it isn’t all I am. Disgusted and ashamed with myself, and I don’t know or care so much why anymore. It just is, and inescapable.

How cruel, if you lie…
To show me light –
To pour in the sky the way you do,
Lifting me high, so high…

We have to hope and I’ve promised you
Always I try
I sit tight with a brokenness inside
And wait until it’s safe to open my eyes
And believe the good won’t be
Taken from me this time…

And yet is it ever better than
What I’ve seen before?
It’s hard to trust I belong beyond
Any open door
So hard to trust I belong here…

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I’m just beginning to understand that as much as I crave change, it has always been difficult for me to cope with. It may always be something I fear, but I won’t deny it is what will continue growth. No matter how difficult things become, wisdom is collected even when I can’t possibly consider it. Something to keep a bit of faith in I guess. As if we never completely let ourselves down.