In the dark post-apocalyptic future, there is only athletic tape. A brand new Sonic game was announced, entitled Sonic Boom. In fact, Sonic Boom is more than a new game, it’s an entirely new direction for the Sonic franchise that will include a TV show, action figures, and plenty of other ways to suck out the money of little kids’ parents.

Every Sonic character has been redesigned for the new game, which seems to take place in some sort of prehistoric primordial paradise land. Sonic has gotten much taller. His legs and arms are much longer and kind of lanky. Tails has gotten taller as well, but less so. He is now emphasizing his inventor nature by wearing a utility belt, carrying a wrench, and wearing steampunk goggles. Amy is… disturbing. She has been made to be more curvy than she was before and now wears some sort of Final Fantasy-esque button down dress. Also she keeps staring at me with this weird seductive stare that shouldn’t be put on a non-human cartoon character.

Finally, there is Knuckles who… PAHAHAHHAHA, what the heck happened to this guy? When did he get so diesel? Why are his legs as skinny as Sonic’s? why has he grown several feet larger than Sonic? Why are his knuckles actual brass knuckles now?

… and why so much athletic tape? What is it even doing? Why wrap athletic tape around your sneakers? They look like perfectly good sneakers to me! Why does Knuckles have so much tape around his upper arms? Who the heck designed these things?

That being said, the trailer for Sonic Boom does look cool, with Sonic zipping around levels to Bangarang. It seems to have a i>Sonic Heroe’s kind of bend to it, with all four heroes acting together to get through levels. There seems to be plenty of speed, though there are some unfortunate slow parts with Tails and Knuckles. Either way, my hopes are up for this not being a total disaster… or maybe I just really like Skrillex. I can’t tell.