FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

Millions Of Americans Succumbing To Sudden Elder Death Syndrome

McLEAN, VA—Despite remarkable advances in health care and the study of medicine in recent decades, scientists remain baffled by Sudden Elder Death Syndrome, a disorder that cuts long lives short and leaves aggrieved loved ones wondering why.

Also known as Craftmatic Adjustable Bed Death, SEDS is the sudden, unexplained passing of an elderly person. In many SEDS cases, even a full autopsy and a review of 80-plus years of health records cannot account for the mysterious death.

According to a study published by the SEDS Institute, Sudden Elder Death Syndrome is the leading cause of death among people over the age of 85. Nicolai Korsgaard, author of the most comprehensive SEDS investigation conducted in the past decade, said scientists have been unable to replicate his results because study participants often succumb to SEDS before the studies are complete.

"Over 99 percent of elders between the ages of 100 and 105 die of SEDS," Korsgaard said. "As a researcher and caregiver, I can't think of a scenario more gut-wrenching than that of a healthy and contented centenarian slipping into a deep slumber and never awakening."

The earliest recorded SEDS fatality occurred on American soil in 1661, when 58-year-old English-born colonist Jonas Clay died in his sleep in his cabin. While advances in mattress technology and elder care have raised the average age of SEDS victims from 54.5 in 1700 to 78.6 today, the mysterious syndrome kills at exactly the same rate it did three centuries ago.

"Doctors haven't isolated any genetic anomalies or behavior patterns among elders afflicted with SEDS," Gerrard said. "The one constant in the SEDS community is age. We do know that the older one gets, the greater the risk of becoming a victim."

However, independent research group SEDS Prevention Alliance has detected patterns among SEDS victims.

"Nearly 80 percent of SEDS deaths occur in a home setting, such as a nursing home or assisted-living facility," said SEDSPA director Melinda Byrnes. "Inactive elders who lie in their beds all day ingesting prescription medicines are especially susceptible."

For many loved ones of SEDS victims, however, these and other theories offer little comfort. Atlanta resident Mary-Beth Soltis, 34, lost her grandmother Esther, 91, to SEDS in 2003.

"Every day, I think, 'There must have been something I could have done to save Nana,'" Soltis said. "When I left the hospital the night before, I never thought that it would be the last time I saw her. What did I do wrong? I'm a terrible granddaughter."

Byrnes recommends putting elders to sleep on their backs, checking on them regularly, and monitoring them with a device called an electrocardiograph, which emits a sustained electronic tone if your elder is in danger of succumbing to SEDS.