Secrets You Should Never Hide From Your Partner (and Some You Should)

Posted by Lisa Hannam on April 9, 2020

Keeping secrets in a relationship is more common than you think. And we are way more secretive thank you’d think too. It’s not just a single fling that we’re hiding either. A study from Columbia University reveals that we’re hiding — on average —13 secrets from their partners! We dived into the most common secrets to find out if you should be keeping these secrets from your partner, your beau, bae or babe. These are the secrets you should never hide from your partner — and the secrets that are OK to keep quiet about.

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Keeping secrets in a relationship

Lying in a relationship
The most common secret in relationships is hiding a lie. Hiding one or two may not end up harming a relationship, but if you’re in a habit of lying, it can actually harm you — physically.
Experts report that if you’re in the habit of lying it can show up as heart burn, panic attacks and insomnia because of increased guilt and anxiety.

Lusting after someone

Having a crush is NBD. In fact it can make you feel good, and even spark something within your own relationship. It’s not immoral, and it doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble — unless you act on that crush. Then it’s another kind of secret — more on that later!

Not revealing your finances

This is one secret that can weigh on you and your partner. Not revealing if you have financial issues or how much money you make can impair a relationship from moving forward. It will affect expectations you have for each other and how you make decisions as a couple, from choosing where to vacation to where to live. Plus, it can be a deal breaker for some. About one in five women wouldn’t date someone who made less money than them, reports one study.
While financial situations can change with a drop in the economy, knowing that you’re with someone who kept this secret from you will not.

Hiding your sexual history

Revealing your number or what gets you off can feel daunting — and too much for some. Which is why they keep their sexual behaviour to themselves. Whether it’s how many people you’ve had sex with or that you enjoy porn or a recent dry spell, research shows that society as a whole (and your partner too, maybe) is pretty open to sexuality nowadays. So it’s not necessarily a secret you need to keep. But with any secret you may reveal, it’s about knowing how supportive that person will be when they learn the truth — as well as if this secret will come out from someone other than you. How safe is this secret really?

Thinking about cheating

That crush… what if you were thinking about acting on that crush? Would you keep it a secret? The first person you need to be honest with is yourself. You need to figure out if you are just fantasizing or if you’re figuring out something about your current relationship — plus the consequences if you do act on this. Relationships experts don’t recommend saying “I’m thinking about cheating on you,” but it is worth sharing if you feel your relationship needs to bet strengthened. (Don’t worry. That cheating secret, we’ll talk about that soon.)

You dislike their friends

Not a fan of your lover’s friends? Should you keep that a secret? That depends on how it affects you. If your feelings are tolerable, meaning you can keep quiet, then you should be okay. Not every couple has to have their coupledom play into their external relationships. But if you harp about their friends, it could have long-term effects. One study found that disapproval of friends can lead to increased conflict and ultimately divorce. So you may want to keep that to yourself — if you can.

Family secrets — should you tell your partner?

Every family has their issues, right? Not all of us are comfortable sharing the mixed-up details of our family secrets. Research shows that family secrets are complicated. And there’s no hard-fast rule on revealing this kind of truth — mostly because it’s made up of different people’s different truths. Sound complex? That’s because it is. Family secrets are layered and built out of different perspectives and different value systems. Revealing the secret could become messy, if you can’t explain the situation properly or don’t have a viewpoint that your partner can understand or relate to.

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Hiding your ambitions

The easiest way to tell if your secrets are worth telling is to ask yourself if this is about
hiding a truth or keeping your privacy. And hiding your ambitions or goals is the next most common “secret” people keep from their significant other. And you have a right to privacy, so if you want to keep a weight-loss, job promotion, or personal goal to yourself, you can. But you can also share that too. Sometimes, a bit of support from your partner can be helpful too.

Is it TMI to share your physical flaws?

It could be a third nipple or a typical insecurity, but some secrets are about how you’re unhappy about yourself physically. Generally, these secrets in relationships, especially in the courtship stage, are kept because there is a fear of being judged or feeling vulnerable, suggests some research. The thing is, you have to recognize that these types of secrets will usually come out eventually.

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The “I’m not happy” secret

Unhappiness is a very heavy secret in a relationship. You won’t believe how many couples stay together despite not feeling fulfilled or happy. And the more dependant a couple is on each other the less likely they would break up or instigate breaking up, reports this study. They keep this secret to themselves, likely because the feeling may pass or they love their partner more than the feelings of unhappiness. Either way, you have to do what you feel is best with this secret. Not telling your partner that you’re not happy at work, is another common secret couples keep from each other.

Can you keep a secret?

Some couples just can’t keep a secret — including surprises, like a party or popping the question. The problem, shows research, is that we become preoccupied with the secret and end up thinking about it. These are the secrets you want to keep, so if you must tell someone, tell someone who won’t be affected by the secret, like a co-worker. Get that feeling of trying to bottle it up out of the way, and keep your surprise secret in the vault.

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You just don’t like it

Another popular secret — don’t worry the cheating secret is coming, it’s just not as popular of a secret as you might think — is not sharing your dislikes. Maybe your partner bought you a shirt that you can’t imagine wearing, or made you a dinner that proves you’ll be the cook. In these situations, you should be able to stick to your guns and keep this a secret, as having a “good reason,” like not hurting their feelings, experts suggest.

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Hiding your mental health issue

Remember earlier when we discussed about how being fearful of being vulnerable can lead to secrecy? But carrying a secret like mental health, from depression to schizophrenia, can weigh heavy on you. But at the same time, you want your relationship to be established as a safe space to share when you do.

Hiding your beliefs

You know the saying, somethings should never be discussed, like religion, politics and — we’ll leave sex out of that for now. And there are some couples who don’t share their beliefs. If you’re keeping this secret to avoid conflict, anger and confrontation, that will work. But if you’re in the relationship for the long haul, this stuff will come out eventually. Especially if you have to have talks about how you’ll raise kids together, celebrate holidays and so on. It’s up to you both if it’s a deal breaker or not.

I emotionally cheated

Emotional infidelity is the next most common secret couples keep from each other. This, according to the study, involves flirting, kissing, and having an inappropriate emotional connection with someone who isn’t your partner. (There are still eight more secrets before a hidden relationship is on this list). This secret, like all secrets really, really can only be kept if you’re able to deal with the guilt and weighing yourself down think about it.

I did a bad, bad thing

We’ll group a few secrets for the sake of timing. Stealing, doing something dishonourable, making poor decisions and other things we're not proud of is something we've all done at some point. Being judged on that never feels good — so it may be instinctive to try and bury it in the past — and avoid telling your partner. The other issue is if you’ve been able to forgive yourself, too. As well as dealing with the stigma that you’re not the bad person that your past may suggest.

Have you ever hidden a hobby from your partner?

Maybe you shop too much or have a hobby that’s not in line with how people typically perceive you. Hiding hobbies from your partner could be a privacy or secrecy. But if you’re feeling the shame of hiding this secret from your partner, you could test telling your secret to a third party, suggests this study. It lightens the burden you may feel from having to keep this secret.

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Your secret: You’ve been cheated on

Admitting that you’ve been cheated on in a past relationship is a tough secret to break. The words “my boyfriend cheated on me” could feel like you’re hurt all over gain. But your new partner might figure it out. Especially if things like jealousy, skepticism and confrontation pop up regularly and without cause. If you want to keep the secret, you’ll have to check in with your emotions, suggests this study. You will need to recognize when jealousy hits and learn how to not act on it, if you don’t want the weight of your past relationship to burden your current one.

A secret relationship

Have you ever not told your partner about a relationship? Whether you can say “I cheated on my boyfriend,” “I cheated on my girlfriend,” or “I’m keeping a past relationship a secret,” this study put those all under one big secret umbrella. Not telling your partner about another relationship means you don’t think your current relationship could survive it. And trust is a big part of it. If the secret comes out — whether you admit it or you’re caught — the only way to stay together is to rebuild trust,
say experts.