Chicks Are Weird

Note: This is not about football this time. This is a story from my dating days…

My girlfriend asked me to clean out her skin care bag. 37 items! How does anyone hold down a job with 37 skin care items, I ask you?

I said, 37 items for skin care and makeup? How do you get anything done? How do you hold down a corporate job?

“Oh, that’s not my makeup. Just my skin care.”

She whips out yet another bag, probably 25 or more items.

“My God, that’s at least 60 items. And that’s not even all your stuff.”

“I don’t use them all at the same time, stupid.”

Note: None of the quantities mentioned in this story have been inflated. Trust me.

Now, in her defence…She is French. And weird. And like with the Nature vs Nurture debate it’s almost impossible to know where to lay the blame. In the French vs Weird debate, I’m betting on French.

I said, “I have zero items. And that’s why my kind will crush your kind.”
(I’m not sure who we’ll be breeding with yet. But we have time.)

She said, “That’s why I look like this and you look like that, you grizzled old piece of leather.”

This was an effective rebuke by her that I hadn’t seen coming, like Bruce Lee’s 1 inch punch. I retreated towards the door and then spun around with the perfect come-back. “Well…you lather yourself in all these products and yet my ass is smoother than your face.”

She said, “There is no way your nasty ass is smoother than my face.”

I said, “Right, that’s it. We’re going to have this out. A smooth-off. Your face against my ass…

We hire a small Asian midget…”

“They’re all small.”

“The midgets? Or the Asians?”

“The midgets.”

“Yes, but this one will be smaller. Anyway, we hire an Asian midget with soft, soft hands. Perhaps a silk-worker. We blind-fold him. We tell him nothing. We create an ass-cheek sized glory hole, and then we go at it mano a mano. He has no idea what’s coming at him though your honker of a nose may throw him a curveball after he’s felt the smooth undulating contours of my pert, convex buttock.

And then the midget calls it. Let the best man win. We live with the judgment.”