We've been married 13 years, and have a 12 year old son and 9 yr old daughter. We both said we would not marry unless it was of God. Well God saved me (she was already saved) and a year later we were married. I have always tried to let God take control over my life. I love the Lord more than anything, even my wife. Back in December, she told me that she didn't love me anymore, and that I didn't love her unconditionally. I asked how she came to that conclusion, and would she like to go with me to christian counselling. She said no to counselling. I asked her for forgiveness, but she has yet to forgive me. Since then, she has been keeping company w/ a couple of divorced female friends. At least one of them, she has begun drinking alcoholic drinks with(she never drank alcohol w/ me). I am 47, and she is 38. I have told her that divorce is not an option for me, but I believe she is seriously considering it(she has threatened to take the children and leave a couple of times). My allegiance is to God, and I feel as though I have been putting him first in my life. I have tried to put my wife second, but over the years she has avoided intimacy w/ me. At the present, she is still living w/ me, but that is about all. She only speaks to me when she has to. I am at a loss of what to do. I have read books on marriage,and love languages, but if she is not willing to do anything to save the marriage, what am I left to do, other than pray?

We've been married 13 years, and have a 12 year old son and 9 yr old daughter. We both said we would not marry unless it was of God. Well God saved me (she was already saved) and a year later we were married. I have always tried to let God take control over my life. I love the Lord more than anything, even my wife. Back in December, she told me that she didn't love me anymore, and that I didn't love her unconditionally. I asked how she came to that conclusion, and would she like to go with me to christian counselling. She said no to counselling. I asked her for forgiveness, but she has yet to forgive me. Since then, she has been keeping company w/ a couple of divorced female friends. At least one of them, she has begun drinking alcoholic drinks with(she never drank alcohol w/ me). I am 47, and she is 38. I have told her that divorce is not an option for me, but I believe she is seriously considering it(she has threatened to take the children and leave a couple of times). My allegiance is to God, and I feel as though I have been putting him first in my life. I have tried to put my wife second, but over the years she has avoided intimacy w/ me. At the present, she is still living w/ me, but that is about all. She only speaks to me when she has to. I am at a loss of what to do. I have read books on marriage,and love languages, but if she is not willing to do anything to save the marriage, what am I left to do, other than pray?

I will be going to counselling myself, this Thursday.

Sounds like you are doing what you can to save the marriage..Mainly you need to keep in fellowship and continue praying. And hopefully the counseling you are receiving will help you gain added insight into the situation.

From what you say your wife doesn't want to work at the marriage and is developing interests which do not include you. And it does take two to make it work. This could change especially if you show her the example of remaining strong in your own faith. Examining your own heart as to how you are reacting to her and doing that on a daily basis is good. Even though you may feel justified to react to her silent treatment and activities with anger..remember that will not work and could make matters worse.

peace and prayers..

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"If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God: You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.(Deut. 28: 1-3)

A little side point, I don't think even the strongest romantic relationships are really what I would term unconditional love. I think only parent/child relationships reach that.

I don't love my wife unconditionally nor does she love me unconditionally. For example cheating on them would be an example of a condition that may cause us to lose love for one another. Abandonment is another condition that causes that. Since our relationship has those conditions, I don't qualify it as unconditional love. In fact our love for eachother while strong is something that is very conditional.

The point of all of that is that I think she's trying to make up excuses so that she can, at least in her mind pin this on you. I would keep doing what you are doing and see if maybe God can help turn her around. Unfortunutly you can only change yourself and you should probably seek to find out if there is anything you can change about yourself that would realistically help the marriage.

There may be nothing you can do, because it sounds to me like she's decided that its over and isn't terribly interested in reconciliation. But that should not prevent you from trying.

Sorry this is happening to you.

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"Many Christians suppose that it makes no difference which church group a Christian joins, and they act accordingly. When they come to a place where any kind of Protestant church is found, they join it as members. There are people who were successively Reformed, Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, Congregationalists, depending upon the place where they lived. And we should not be surprised when this happens among the sects, for they are not certain about their distinctive doctrines, because they are not grounded in God's Word." - Franz Pieper

I don't love my wife unconditionally nor does she love me unconditionally. For example cheating on them would be an example of a condition that may cause us to lose love for one another. Abandonment is another condition that causes that. Since our relationship has those conditions, I don't qualify it as unconditional love. In fact our love for eachother while strong is something that is very conditional.

It makes keeping the trust that is vital to a strong marriage difficult. Yet when Jesus commands us to love each other as ourselves in Mark 12 and Luke 10, there are no conditions placed on it as in "Love your neighbors as yourselves unless they....."

It makes keeping the trust that is vital to a strong marriage difficult. Yet when Jesus commands us to love each other as ourselves in Mark 12 and Luke 10, there are no conditions placed on it as in "Love your neighbors as yourselves unless they....."

Absolutely. There is a difference between trust and love. Love is required for everyone...regardless of the situation. Trust is not required...especially if someone has given reason for us not to trust.

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“The problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.” ~Chimanda Ngozi Adichie

Counsling is a great step. Pray, pray, pray some more, and when all else fails continue to pray. Prayer isn't just something we do to make us feel better...prayer works...prayer changes hearts and moves mountains. Love her and care for her and when she bends you over backwards and continues to not show you love back continue to love her. In the end IF she leaves you and forces a divorce what can you do when the law forces you?

What was her answer to your question about how she came to the conclusion that you don't love her unconditionally?

There really wasn't an answer. If I had to guess, she has been struggling w/ her weight/eating habits. She is 5'4" and weighs about 185lbs. When we got married she weighed about 145lbs. I know as a christian, I am not supposed to love her only for her looks, but I must admit, even w/ the weight gain, she normally doesn't do anything to make herself physically attractive to me. Even w/ all that, I am trying to love her unconditionally.