The nature of Grieving

by Amyobala Key

We have become a rushed society. Every technological gadget which has
been designed to improve our lives has in reality robbed us of the human
art of pausing, most significantly encountered in the pause that must
occur upon the loss of a close entity. Whether it is the discontinuation
of a relationship or the abrupt end to a partner's life, we do not know
what kind of reaction will hit us until the event occurs. We often view
the most manly of men, from soldiers to firemen to policemen choking back
the tears as they seek to honor fallen comrades.

Our first mistake is to attempt to define the event in a hierarchy of
importance. Is it worse to lose a child or a spouse? It is irrelevant.
The loss is the loss, and it is unnecessary to put the loss into a
framework. Think of the husband who has returned home to discover a
policeman at the door announcing that there has been a car accident and
now his wife, child, and sister are all deceased? There is no order of
importance for the death.

We have phrases that seems so inadequate. The show must go on.
Indeed it must, but first there is the attendance to the feelings.

At the onset, we have shock, and depending upon the responsibilities of
the receiver of the news, we can have seemingly cold and methodical
processing of arrangements. We can have utter collapse. As with stress,
the emotional impact is unpredictable. It is a time for others, somewhat
removed from the event, to take over and take charge and be there for
assistance. For the death of a child in unusual circumstances, grief
counseling may be required, not just for the family, who at least have
each other for support, but for classmates and others who may appear almost
unconnected from the event.

It may appear foolish to say at this time, but everyone, everywhere, will
at one time experience grief, and must be ready to release the emotions,
almost in preparation. Do not be afraid of funerals. Do not belittle the
owner of a pet who has lost "just an animal." One day, you will be there
too, and it will be far more emotional to you than you can imagine.

Prepare for it. Practise it. When you are alone, envision the passing of
a close loved one. You will not cause the event. You must be ready. If
you are the one who passes, then be good to your loved ones in advance, by
making all the preparations, and having all the insurance in place that
will prevent the passing from becoming a far greater difficulty to those
who remain behind.

Most importantly, make up your mind ahead of time what your stance is on
the continuance of living things. It is not about ghosts, it is not about
pearly gates, it is about what you intrinsically believe. You will meet
again. Your loss in momentary. Make certain, that if this is your core
belief, then express it before you encounter it as a shock.

Never decide that you must adopt an emotional reaction that interferes
with life going on. Do not be angry because you think someone should have
done something to correct the matter before it happened. Do not feel
guilty because you regretted failing to visit the passing loved one or
even having an unpleasant conversation with them the last time you saw
them. There is no last memory or last word. Your accumulated experiences
with your loved one is a gift which you both have received, they with you,
and you with them. That is the gift that comes with having lived.

To feel no grief in one's life means that one has felt no love for anyone
or anything. Grief is the bounce against the wall that occurs when life
has taken its inevitable step. Honor your loved one. Cherish your
memories. There will be many more. It should be an inspiration to you to
consider how others will feel when it is your time, so do well by them
all, expecting nothing in return.

Now, back to technology. In this rushing world, where sometimes we
encounter the man with his hand on the wheel of the car, and his other
hand on a cell phone glued to his ear. It appears that he has forgotten
how to pause. Does he eat his meals in a rush while typing on the
computer or watching television? Even if you can only manage a half an
hour a day, you should spend the time alone, in a quiet spot, reflecting
upon the benefits in your life. It sounds corny, but it is necessary.
Give thanks for loved ones and for opportunities. It's a good idea to do
this after meals. Give your body a chance to digest and your mind the
chance to reflect. It used to be a common event to those out in the
country after a meal, to sit on the veranda and just listen to the hum of
the insects as the sun goes down. There is no better reflection for
enhancing your appreciation for your living experience.

It is said, that this life of yours, is what you chose and where you chose
to be. You will experience losses and watch yourself grieving and others
comforting you. This is your play, and your performance, and grief is one
of its many scenes. You need perform it to a natural, respectful, and
peaceful conclusion.