It all falls apart in the parking lot

I’m Just Sayin’

by SHEILA SMITH

A reader recently wrote to us, requesting that we write an article regarding handicap parking spots. As someone who needs, and is authorized by the Department of Motor Vehicles, to use handicap spaces, she was upset by the many healthy people parking in those designated areas.

I don’t blame her. I am thankful that I have no medical need to require handicap parking but I have seen many healthy people abuse those spaces.

If we all think about it, parking lots are one of the top spots where we are all reminded, “I cannot stand society.” It’s hard to tell what’s less enjoyable: going into a store, or trying to maneuver your way through the parking area.

So I’ve considered some of the worst aspects of parking lot people and I’m sure you will agree with me. The categories include:

Handicap Parking Abusers

Handicap parking is meant for people with a medically documented handicap (not to be confused with laziness). There are many people in our communities who have physical issues that make getting around a difficulty.

So why do you need to be a lazy jerk and park in handicap spaces? Just because you are using your grandmother’s vehicle and her handicap tag or sticker is present somewhere on or in the vehicle does not mean you are handicap. In fact, it is quite obvious you are not handicap when you hop from the vehicle and walk, without any trouble, into the store.

You might need handicap parking one day, though, because many of us contemplate running you over, especially those with real handicaps. Use the healthy legs God gave you and park six miles away from the store like the rest of us.

Maternity Spot Stealers

Today, many stores, especially those who cater to expectant mothers or children, offer designated parking for pregnant women. I agree with this service. After all, another human being is living inside your body, squishing your internal organs and feeding off your food and blood supply. At some point, it’s just uncomfortable.

Now, reread the last sentence: “At SOME point…”

Ladies, if you just found out this morning that you are pregnant, you do not qualify for maternity parking.

If you are two months along, you do not qualify for maternity parking.

In fact, until you start to waddle, have to pull yourself out of your vehicle or are thinking “Any minute, I am going to have this baby,” you do not qualify for maternity parking.

Be a real woman; women have been having babies for thousands of years. Women have migrated through regions on foot while in their third trimester; they have helped build log cabins on the Great Plains while awaiting labor.

Trust me, you can walk the extra five feet to get into Toys R’ Us.

People Who Cannot Park Oversized Trucks

When you buy an oversized truck – whether for work or pleasure – you accept the fact that you cannot park as most others do.

Some people who drive these monstrous vehicles are great at parking. Sure, the bed of the truck extends four feet into the aisle but they have at least parked between the lines.

However, if you cannot meander your diesel-guzzling machine between said yellow lines, take it to the back of the parking lot. We don’t care that it’s a Hemi. We don’t care that you have decals along your back glass assuring us that you are “Country”. We just want you to not take up three spaces near the store because you felt the need to buy a huge truck.

(By the way – the size of your truck is not intimidating. Your truck can be annihilated in many fashions. Those of us driving small vehicles know these fashions.)

Those Too Lazy to Walk

There is a game I personally love to play when I go shopping. It’s called “I’m Going to Annoy You.”

I have never been one of those shoppers to park in an aisle as I wait for a shopper to unload their goods and leave. I usually park after the last vehicle in a row and walk (I use these things called legs). Even in bad weather, I still have this habit, because no matter where you park, you are going to get wet.

Then there are those who insist on shutting an aisle down because they are lazy. You know the ones: they slowly creep down an aisle, looking for brake lights or someone walking to a vehicle in a “good” spot. Then they park and wait for the vehicle to back up or for a shopper to load their 40 bags.

Meanwhile, those of us who are willing to park anywhere are caught in the lineup. Or, those of us who are attempting to leave cannot because Soccer Mom in Her Suburban is waiting for that perfect parking space, thus blocking us in.

This is where my game comes in. If I happen to have received a great spot from the Parking Gods and you are impatiently revving your engine or sitting there like a toad while I load my vehicle or get my things together, I am going to sit in my car until you get mad and drive away. I have done this several times before and, frankly, it makes me all warm and tingly inside.

Seriously, in the time you have spent idling in an aisle waiting for a spot, you could have parked and walked into the store.

People Who Just Let Their Buggies Go With the Wind

I don’t understand people who cannot fathom the idea of returning their shopping carts to a designated area. I’m just sayin’, it takes few steps and little energy to do this. Instead of letting the buggies roll all over the parking lot, into the paths of vehicles, why not walk three feet to the buggy area?

Anyway, those are my parking lot pet peeves. I’m sure you agree.

And if you are ever sitting in your vehicle, being lazy, waiting for someone to leave that great parking space – it’s probably me you are waiting on.