My Fiancée’s Son

She doesn’t want to get married until her child is ready. Should I wait?

I am a 38-year-old European Jew. Last February I met a Jewish woman of my age, who lives in another city; she is divorced and has a 9-year-old son. When we met, I was applying for aliyah to Israel but we fell in love (or at least I did), so I decided to put that on hold.

After three months bliss, she started to postpone the decision to introduce me to her family. Later, she decided she didn't love me and broke up, only to come back after two weeks and finally say she was sure about us and she eventually introduced me to her son and her family. Everything seemed to work, and I felt like I was in heaven.

Her ex-husband is still jealous of her, although they separated seven years ago and she has a get (Jewish divorce papers). He told their son bad things about me. Nonetheless, the situation didn't look bad, and this summer she told me that in a few months, we would decide on a wedding date.

But recently, her son asked her to go and stay with his father for a week, and then for another week. My fiancée started to panic, and I admit I didn't immediately realize how painful the situation was for her. She is now consulting a therapist to get advice and help. She says she understands that her son is having a normal reaction for his age, and she knows it will take a lot of time for him to come to terms with the new situation.

What worries me very much, though, is that until a few weeks ago, she was telling me how worried she was about her biological clock and how we should get married as soon as possible, but now she tells me that six months or a year delay will make no difference and that I should not press her to get married, until she feels okay about the situation with her son. Now she is telling me that a woman can easily have children even in her early 40s!

I love this woman and I am doing my best to make the relationship work. But I can't give up on having children. Is she right in not wanting us to move on, while we're helping her son? Couldn't we do both things at the same time? How can I help her cope with the situation? Should I wait for her, or break up right away?

Thank you for any help you may give me.

Louis

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Louis,

Based on our extensive experience in working with parents who want to remarry after divorce, it seems to us that the woman you have been dating has made a very wise decision. She needs to have a stable situation for herself and her son, both for their own well-being and for the well-being of her future relationship with you. She’s also made the right choice to work with a therapist to learn how to deal with a little boy who may be caught in the middle between her and a jealous father. And we also feel that she was right to request that the two of you delay wedding plans until her situation with her son improves.

Blending a family is a challenge, made even more difficult if a parent remarries before she or her child are “ready.”

When divorced or widowed men and women come to us for advice about dating and remarrying, we always advise them to make sure that they and their children have healed from the divorce and that the parent-child relationship is comfortable enough for the parent to bring another adult into the family. As it is, blending a family is a challenge, but it can be even more difficult if a parent remarries before she or her child are “ready.” Many times, a therapist can help this process along.

Even though the woman you’re dating hasn’t had her ex in her life for many years, she didn’t anticipate that her relationship with her son would take a turn for the worse once she became serious with you. It doesn’t matter if the stress that prompted this was her ex’s attempt to sabotage her becoming serious with you, or because it is difficult for her son to accept the fact that she’s involved with someone who isn’t his father. Her having to address this situation puts her in a similar situation as someone who’s only recently been divorced – she needs to strengthen her son and their relationship, even though it means that your wedding plans need to be put on hold for a while.

We know this is difficult for you for two reasons – you love her and want to move forward in your relationship, and you’re concerned about delaying starting your family. However, if you really want this woman in your life, the best thing you can do now is to accept the fact that what she’s doing now will ultimately help the two of you have a smoother transition to a blended family, and to genuinely support her efforts. Both of you can acknowledge to each other that you feel frustrated that you have to wait, but know this is the best thing for your future.

We can’t speak with certainty about how a delay of six months to a year will affect your ability to have a few children together. We do know that since she’s already had a child, she has a better chance of being able to become a mother again in her late 30s and her 40s. You can also consider that it’s more difficult to conceive under stress and that if you delay your wedding plans so that she can improve the situation with her son, this will be to your benefit.

Of course, if you’re impatient about the wait, you can decide to break up and move on. However, if you feel that this woman is right for you, treat this period of time as an opportunity to strengthen your emotional connection with her and to slowly build a relationship with her son.

We also suggest that the two of you work with a family therapist to advise you the best way to do this. In fact, we recommend that any time a man and woman plan to blend a family, they work with a family therapist who can help guide them through the process. This is especially important because you haven’t been a parent before, and you can’t slowly grow into your role the way the parent of a new baby does.

We know that waiting longer will be a challenge for both of you, but if you are able to change your mindset about this and appreciate how much it will benefit the woman you are dating and your future family life together, the wait will be easier.

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 27

(15)
Louis,
November 10, 2013 10:25 AM

I have to move on

It's being now two weeks since she decided to break up. I am trying to overcome the shock. I really did believe she was the woman of my life, and I was ready to face any struggle, but she is very clear about her decision.

I put too much pressure on her because I wanted us to decided on a date, while helping her child to cope. This scared her away.

Maybe, if I look at it rationally, I am the one who should have broken up. But instead the only thing that's really broken here is my heart!

But I can, must and want to look forward. HaShem will provide me a wife, one with whom there can be mutual respect and love and possibly we will be blessed with children and live in Eretz Israel.

Thanks everyone for all the different insights and help. Thanks Sherry and Rosie.

Louis

Roch,
November 21, 2013 1:20 PM

Any appreciation for you?

Thank you for sharing. We can see this is painful but lesson learned that a relationship that is good for each of the partners should bring out the best in each of you, that you are good for each other. Yes, the practical aspects have to be worked out but what you went through was abusive. We do not do that to those we love. We can speculate on reasons why she may have done or not, but that is a waste of time and energies. A friend had told me long ago, her Rabbi had said, "these things are known within a 'season'"--being flexible on how a season can be variously defined! Once again, the practical nature of life may have us stretch the term a bit, but never into years and years. Post 7 years she undoubtedly knew you were reasonably going to leave and broke it off. There are probably also other things she was not telling you. There are a whole lot of lies here. Do not try to justify all this. In all this, never once did the mention of 'appreciation' for who you are came up. 7 years is a lifetime and not a season. Have to understand that some people are drama-obssessed and continually use other people to validate their existence and create a gravitas for themselves. Just think of your life elsewhere for 7 years and you should be grateful this is over this quickly! This is life. We all have a version of this. Press on. We wish you the best.

Anonymous,
November 21, 2013 1:26 PM

Forgot

Forgot to say, that if she comes back, do not go back. It is over. Soph. It's a possibility and you may be hurting, lonely and tempted. If not possible in 7 years, then no way it is not manipulative. and 7 years is longer than a good number of marriages. My dad would say, you can never go back and he was right. Not kosher.

(14)
Louis,
November 7, 2013 10:54 PM

Thank you for so many advices

To be fair, the reason why she divorced is that her ex turned out to be a gambling addict and he refused to get help. She hardly gets any money from him.But for other things you say, you are probably right. I still feel in love, but maybe I must face the fact that she doesn't love me. Only I don't understand why she would keep up our relationship until now (certainly, again, not for financial interest, because I am not rich).

CJ,
November 9, 2013 5:45 PM

Move on.

I am a social worker and have worked in mental health for many years. The choice is up to you but I advise to move on. There is obviously indecision and manipulation going on between this woman, her ex and the son. It's been 7 years. Do you want a life filled with drama, heartache and very possibly a lack of your own biological children? Fertility can be a huge issue for women in their late 30's and 40's. There is a condition called "secondary infertility." Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. Because a woman has gotten pregnant once does not mean she will be able to conceive a child in her late 30's or 40's. if your goal is to settle down in a successful marriage, have children, along with a stable and drama free family life, look elsewhere.

Anonymous,
November 10, 2013 4:18 PM

unfortunately that's easy.

She kept up the relationship because she's lonely. It fills a need for her but she can use her previous situation to keep you at arms length. Not to trash this lady, but we also don't know the whole story of her first marriage either. The signs are often there. If he's that unstable he wouldn't be keeping regular visiting with the child.Gamblers are often adventurous people. May be that she likes you because you are stable but still likes excitement and drama. Certainly she had it with her ex and certainly she's trying to create it with you. Walk away...better yet run. Loving a woman with a child is fine but having all this drama and her inability to set clear goals and boundaries in her life is not.

(13)
Laura,
November 7, 2013 8:33 PM

Run while you can

Look, if she truly wanted to be with you, she would find to make it work. She is using the kid as an excuse. Run while you can, it is being very unfair to you. Don't wait for her. Find someone who will love you without hesitation.

(12)
Yechiel,
November 6, 2013 8:44 PM

RUN!

Maybe Hashem is giving you an opportunity to escape this toxic drama and fulfill your mission, the double mitzva of Aliya, and having a family of your own.

First of all, a woman who jerks you around as you describe, sees you as weak; she does not respect you. If she did, she would have found a way to make the relationship work right away, with no excuses. If she messes with you before the wedding, how do you suppose things will go afterward? If she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you either.

Secondly, have you ever wondered why this woman divorced shortly after giving birth? How does that make any sense? A normal woman delights in sharing the miracle of a new baby with her husband. Maybe things are different in Europe, but in the US, it is common for women to divorce their husbands soon after having a baby. This is because (aside from a lack of morals) by law, a woman can use the baby to have the courts force the ex-husband to pay her big $$$ with no obligation on her part. Maybe this is happening here? The boy is right to be upset about his mother getting involved with a man who is not his father. Children are perceptive and desire fairness. What are the implications for you? I implore you to think about that.

Lastly, I would encourage you not to sell yourself short. As a man in his prime, you have the ability and the right to attract a worthy woman who is able to commit to be your wife forever (not just while it's convenient for her) and who is young enough to have children. Why would you feel you need to settle for a "blended family" rather than having children of your own? Hashem created you with the same rights as anyone else, including the right to have wants, needs, and plans. The six-figure price for fertility procedures that have a low success rate for women over 40, could instead buy you and your future family a nice home in Israel. Take a deep breath, and move on. Behatzlachah!

Louis,
November 10, 2013 10:29 AM

Thank you

Your last comment in particular, in which you encourage not to sell myself short, is very empowering. I will copy and paste it on my phone screen. You seem to have read my soul.

(11)
Roch,
November 6, 2013 4:14 PM

Not by Torah

After going about my activities, I was greatly bothered by this situation. For many reasons, because I live in a community where there is much 'drama'. And drama is not jewish, it is an excuse for interpersonal violence, and not by Torah of 'becoming one..' buiding a family to tend to your both needs, the step-son and any more children. We need to ignore whatever motives -jealously, uncertainty, fear, etc. Much drama is a validation of self in a negative way to get attention. It also has the rider of 'you hurt those you love' and is totally wrong. No, you go out of your way to NOT hurt those you love, being the defintion of love. Not really knowing everyone here or trying to discover all the reasons is looking at this backwards: you bothe have a good opportunity to build something by Torah or not. If you chose not to, or let some outsider decide or influence you --that may be valid if that person is obsessive or psychopathic? You do not want to deal with that orbitting around your relationship for the rest of time? Move on, there is someone else who will not waste your time with drama, Is this how all the decisions will be made post-marriage. Regretable and unreasonable, , there are some adult parents who will put a child at risk just to control and harm their exspouse -is this a possibility? There are those who abuse by always being the victim: we are adults here. grow up and do the best you can. If the father is considering remarrying mom, this also needs to be discusssed. It would be of interest to know who initiated the divorce and why? This is serious stuff indeed. All my best to you.

(10)
Roch,
November 6, 2013 12:33 PM

Dealbreakers many

Thank you or sharing your story. Reasonably things should be explained to the child, this is life and we all have our set of difficulties to deal with. Divorce is not part of the plan when we set out, but unfortunately it does happen. This is the adults life and not the child's. It is their decision to make and not the child's. The child needs to be considered, and all things should fit somewhat, but difficulties in the new situation will get worked out. The other father is still there to tend to his child's need. And yes, remarriage does bring circumstances that have to be dealt with as step-parents. We see this every day. That is the reality. This masks something else going on. The child may be the source and if that is the case is manipulating --dealbreaker because this will not end within the marriage, but probably worsen, and should not be alllowed. If the child is being used as an excuse, then there is another problem and using a child is very bad --dealbreaker. An over-attentive and caring parent can be worked with if willing. But if none are wanting to compromise, then go elsewhere, you have your answer evident: people say one thing but do the opposite.

(9)
Anonymous,
November 6, 2013 7:36 AM

I really disagree with the answer given.

The 2 therapists seem blind to another possibility, which is the first thing I saw as I read this man's situation. I think the son, and also the ex-husband, are manipulating the mother. They are trying to sabotage her move toward a new relationship and new life. They are playing a game with her emotions, and ruining her chance at a new life. I would certainly consider the feelings of her son, but I would not let him run her life. She deserves a chance at love, and her jealous ex is using their son to interfere in her new adult relationship. Children need to learn that parents also deserve happiness, and a parent's job is not to live their lives totally for the children, especially at the exclusion of the parent's best interests. I feel bad for Louis who got involved with this lady. Louis, you sound like a great guy. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.

Roch,
November 6, 2013 2:16 PM

Agree --abusive

Agree --this is an abusive and manipulative situation. we can undesrstand the child'reticence but he needs to be accepting of having a step-parent. If the father's child dares use his son to accomplsih destroying the mother of his child's happiness and welfare, there is great danger in this. There is also great danger in teaching and using a child to accomplish this --to the child's future. Finally is the mother that stupid or just a manipulator as well --she may not have been originally but have developped this as a survival mechanism in the relationship--either way, not good if she choses to behave that way.

(8)
Anonymous,
November 6, 2013 3:11 AM

I understand that she has to have a stable situation for her son. But she herself is not stable. If she feels she shouldn't get married right now, why date? She thinks this is going to be easier when her son's older???WRONG! Even when he's moved out, he could feel bad about her remarrying! Doesn't matter if you've had a child or not fertility declines in the 40's. She dates this guy then breaks up. Doesn't introduce him then does. Gets engaged now she's getting cold feet! THAT'S the instability her son is reacting to. If she feels she cannot remarry until her son is out of the house then fine...don't date. Otherwise if she's dating she has to be willing to get counseling and weather the adjustment as long as, of course, her husband to be is good to her son.

(7)
Magda,
November 5, 2013 9:37 PM

Just a big question

Why after being divorced for more than 7 years your fiancee sounds still much be influenced by her ex husband?

(6)
Yaakov,
November 5, 2013 9:11 PM

potentially misses an important aspect

I feel this advice can be missing an important aspect. Assuming Louis and his fiance have chosen to keep the laws of shomer negiah in their relationship (whether in full or in part), an indefinite, undefined delay in moving forward in their relationship, in my experience, has only had disastrous consequences when the two sides love each other tremendously, and are held in pause in terms of moving forward their relationship.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 8:31 PM

DO NOT WAIT ,.YOUR EX WILL ALWAYS POISION YOUR SON"S MIND AGAINST YOU

SHE WILL HAVE TO DECIDE WHERE HER PRIORITIES LIE . HER FUTURE LIFE WITH YOU ( WITH OR WITHOUT HER SON"S APPROVAL) or to fight for her son's loyaltyand abandon you. THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE

(4)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 4:08 PM

The fiancee does not really want to marry Louis.

I feel you have missed the fiancees key message: she is using her son as an excuse for not wanting to marry this person. But she wants to hold onto him since she recognizes a decent but not flawless person (is anyone.). Hence the delaying tactics minus the permanent tie of marriage.

Louis,
November 5, 2013 10:07 PM

It was also my fear

It was also my fear that she had just found an excuse. Anyway I couldn't help putting pressure on her and I became increasingly nervous and ossessive (I know it's wrong, but I couldn't control myself, which worries me a lot). So she decided to break up. But we are still in contact and I don't give up hope, because now I realize how much I miss her and how everything is in perspective.Are you a man or a woman? Louis

(3)
G. Berry,
November 4, 2013 6:17 PM

I think every child of divorce, no matter how bad his parents' marriage was, fantasizes about his parents getting together again. As long as neither side has remarried, no matter how long they've been divorced and no matter how unrealistic this is, the child continues to hope. When one parent finds a new partner, this hope of reuniting is finally dashed, and it's devastating for the child; he may act out or have an identity crisis as to where he truly belongs/fits. I hope Louis will be a willing participant in family and couples' therapy; it will give him further understanding and a bit more empathy for this difficult situation for all parties involved, and it will make their relationship stronger if successful. I think it's great the the woman recognizes she is in over her head and rather than be helpless or overwhelmed and trying to avoid another mistake of possible bad judgment, she is seeking help and resolution. I know this must be painful for the letter writer and feel for him too.

anony girl,
November 9, 2013 7:32 PM

I hated my father

My parents were divorced and I always hated my abusive father and most certainly didn't fantisize about them getting back together. And I wasn't a brat.

(2)
Rose,
November 4, 2013 3:16 PM

Is she willing to put the marriage relationship on equal footing as the parent-child relationship?

I am married to a divorcee with a child. When we first started dating, his relationship with his child was more important than our relationship. As things progressed between us, and I started spending more time with his son, we felt it was important for the child to see that the adult relationship was just as important as the father-son relationship. It's hard to tell from the letter how long this relationship has been progressing, but If she is unwilling or unable to commit the same energy to marriage as she is to her child, you are not looking at a relationship that can make it. It does not make her a bad person; it's hard being a single mom especially if you have a hateful ex and/or a struggling child. Be realistic about what it takes for marriage to work and if this woman is truly able to commit to that, given her personal situation. If she doesn't have it together to commit to you now, it's up to you to decide how long to wait to see if it will happen.

(1)
Alan S.,
November 3, 2013 10:16 AM

Not a 'good' answer for Louis.

I am sorry, but this is not a good answer for Louis. It is a great answer for the woman and her son. I acknowledge that I am not a therapist, so I do not know if there is a 'book answer' that fits this situation. And while the advice seems solid, I find one major flaw with it, and this is not addressed in the Einhorn & Zimmerman answer. To me, it is obvious that this woman is clearly not 'over' her ex. While it is not clear from the question, shouldn't Louis be very concerned that the woman went to live with her ex for a week or two? I am sorry -- but this is not the behavior or response of a woman that is divorced and over her ex, especially in light of the fact that she was already dating and serious with Louis. Regardless of what her son wanted, the woman should have made it clear to the son that her living together with her ex was a none starter. This would have conveyed to Louis his standing. Louis is looking at this woman with rose colored glasses. She obviously has 'good' feelings with her ex - regardless that they share a son. If she didn't, she would not have gone to live with the ex for even an hour, let alone a week or two. Louis can never be certain that this woman will have feelings only for him. Every blended family presents with a lot of baggage. Love is blind and causes enough pain without the added problems of Louis clearly not knowing for sure that he is this woman's only true love.

Zahava,
November 3, 2013 10:52 AM

Misreading

It seems that most of your reply is based on a misreading of this sentence: "But recently, her son asked her to go and stay with his father for a week, and then for another week." Clearly, the letter writer meant that the woman's son asked, not for *her* to go and stay with his father, but for her permission for *him* to go and stay with his father, which he then did.

Alan S.,
November 3, 2013 1:06 PM

You may be right, but I did not misread technically...

A literal reading of the sentence clearly says that the son asked his mother to go and stay with the dad for a week or two. You however could very well be correct, and likely are, if the intent of the sentence is that the son asked his mother for her permission for the son to go and stay with the father.

Louis,
November 4, 2013 12:40 PM

it was her son, not her

I am the letter author (the real name was changed for privacy).

It is correct that it was the son to move to his father. She is definetely not in love with her ex. They only were able, until now, to manage the situation with their child without fuss.

Shoshana,
November 5, 2013 3:57 PM

Misread or not, still sketchy advice

It is wonderful and wise to follow the sound advice of "feelings follow behavior" and in this sense there certainly does need to be an established behavior. Of the adults! This kid is ruling the roost. Where we would be if Avram said, "Thanks for the invite Hashem but I can't leave daddy right now. Catch me in a year or two." And no one in their right mind should forget the binding of Isaac. Parents have an obligation to deliver the truth to their children - not fantasy. They are divorced, she's in love, Louis wants kids (a seriously big mitzvah) and a child is delaying it so he can have his fairy tale restored? THAT is unhealthy for all involved. Move on or move out. We don't know what tomorrow brings. For my qualifications, I am a divorced and remarried mother with a daughter who hated my remarriage but now loves my husband deeply. She is in the National Honor Society, has many friends, sees her father often and is altogether a wonderful young lady - because she learned she had to deal with discomfort sometimes in life. Good luck to you, Louis.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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