Wednesday, August 5, 2015

inappropriate feelingsiversary

Timehop reminds me that three years ago I flew home from NYC the day after being sexually assaulted.

Which, in turn, reminds me that last year I wrote a post that I’d rather not
talk about. I’d prefer to take it down and pretend it didn’t happen. But
instead of that, Imma try and woman up.

Last year I had some inappropriate feelings and I expressed those feelings in an inappropriate way.

Rather than talking to people, I was passive
aggressive and selfish. I won’t go into details, but, well... that blog post is a pretty
good example. “HEY I’M MAD THAT MY FRIENDS WENT TO BLOGHER BECAUSE I SHOULD BE MORE IMPORTANT TO THEM” she
shouted to everyone and no one. I’m not proud of this
behavior.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about it since then, and within the past few months I think I’ve figured some things out:

1. It is not up to other people to emotionally take
care of me. That’s my job. I shouldn’t expect other people to do that
and I should DEFINITELY not get mad at them when they don’t.*

2. I need to manage my inappropriate feelings in an
appropriate way. It reminds me of the following touchy analogy: If
you’re sad and upset that you’re struggling with infertility and your
friend is having a baby shower, you can tell your
friend that you’re having a hard time and you can decide to not go to
her baby shower, but you can’t get MAD at her for having a baby shower or
tell your mutual friends that you’ll be upset with them if they go.
That’s inappropriate.3. So instead of throwing a fit last year, I really
should have just done what I did this year: pull back from my social
networks a little, lower my expectations, reign in my feelings, take
medicine, and give myself little treats.

4. I’m putting this here to remind Future Jules.**

*I think part of the reason I had a lot of trouble
with this was the very nature of the sexual assault trauma. I’ve felt
dependent on external validation—people telling me it wasn’t my fault,
that it was real, that I’m doing okay, etc.
I’ve ALSO been trying to change that perception, but it’s not easy.** It's gonna be okay, Future Jules. Traumaversaries are no fun, but you can handle it.Now go get yourself a little treat.