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Saturday, July 14, 2012

Drawing the Line

Where is the line drawn between strong and weak?

Is it strong to push your limits? Or is it a sign of weakness, that you cannot respect your medical and physical boundaries?

I don't like it when people say I'm strong. I've had mixed feelings about this for all of my arthritis-life. Most of the time, though, I don't like it. I was put in a situation where I am forced to be as tough as I can. That is not strength on my part, it is just the situation.

Which brings me to when people call me an inspiration. I'm still sitting on my sofa, under a heating blanket, tears welled up in my eyes, medication coursing through my veins, knees and ankles and elbows pulsing with pain. What is the definition of an inspiration? How am I qualified?

Strength and inspiration are two things I have accepted that I will never understand. I think I have trouble seeing myself in the same medium that I see the world.

Will I ever heal completely? Will I go into remission? Will a cure be found? Will I ever go an entire hour without it on my mind? Will I always have to feel this pain? Will my life ever go back to the way it was in fifth grade? Will it prevent me from doing more things I love? Will there come a point where my fingers cannot press down piano keys? Will I ever be able to run a half-marathon? Will I stop others from doing the things that they want to do?

The forecast is cloudy today.

I've had to teach myself positivity. It's not that I'm a natural pessimist - I'm just neutral, lurking in the in-between. I think about both outcomes of a situation but don't expect one over the other most of the time. However, everyone said that positivity was going to help me. That sounds pretty dishonest, as I'm sitting here two years later in the same kind of pain (if not worse).

I am, of course, appreciative of the opportunities and the people I've met (Stacie!) and the person I've become. At the end of the day, is it really worth it? To live in this type of pain?

2 comments:

Hey Rachel I know exactly how you feel. I've been havein flare ups because of this stupid weather. It really sucks. I wonder the same things... Will it ever stop? In the future will I be able to have kids? When I'm married will I have to have 2 wedding bands because some days my hands will be swolen? Will I be able to find a guy who can accept me for me and accept that I have this and understand it's an on and off thing? I worry about the same stuff but the thing that keeps me going is knowing that God has put me through this for some reason (I think it is to make us all stronger and to keep us on our toes) and knowing that sooner or later everything will be ok and get better.

Any way you've inspired me to make my own blog so whenever you get a chance check it out!

hey rachel! I haven't seen you or heard from you in so long! I have read almost all of your posts and pretty much every one reminds me of a time in elementary school. Like when you were fake married to Nick. Or all those times in the lunchroom. Ahh those were the good ole' days. So anyway i just decided to write this to make you feel happy and laugh and remember the good old days at Creekside. Also i just wanted to say that you are a true inspiration to tons of people, just look at your comments.( Your probably angry at me for saying that). And no this is not one of your female friends, but a dude. So to figure out who i am, just think about these two words. Nick and Trashcan. I hope you remember who i am, bye.