Tag Archives: moving forward

Last week, I was bad. I skipped my Weight Watchers meeting. I wasn’t proud of it, I just couldn’t handle a gain. This week I knew I had to be back OP ( which means on program as the WW people say) so that I could get rid of that gain and then some. I was careful, aside from my choking episode. I tracked for the most part. I still was a little lazy about tracking. Need to fix that. I made healthier, whole food choices.

I went to my weigh in tonight and was nervous. I usually peek at the scale on Tuesday night just to see where I’m at. I didn’t do that this past Tuesday because I was having the fish bone removed from my throat. Yesterday, I didn’t peek either because I was just too nervous. So, tonight, I made myself get in the car and drove to my weigh in. I was ready to accept whatever that scale had to say. I knew whatever it was, it was not going to define me. It was just one more week, one more number.

Well…

I lost 1 whole pound from my last weigh in. That means I lost last week’s gain plus one pound! Yay!

So, what lesson can we take away from this?

Skipping weigh in didn’t really do anything. It was silly really because I didn’t know how much I had gained. It was also silly because it was like I let that stupid metal square dictate how I was going to feel. Why does that metal square have that power? Why do I let it have that power? I know that I’m not perfect. I know (now) that I have to forgive myself more easily. I know that I’m making changes. So why does that number that comes from stepping on that little metal thing make me feel like crap if the number isn’t what I want it to be?

I think the answer is that I want results. I want to know that I’m getting that much closer to my goals. I just need to remember that the number that I see each week is just ONE indication of my progress. There are other things I can look at if I need confirmation that I’m making progress. I can look at the fact that when I go out to eat, I look for the chicken and the fish. I ask for modifications to my plates (no butter, no mayo, steamed veggies). I move more.

Why do I rely on that scale to be the main source of my progress? Is it because once you get to the number you’re supposed to be at, it’s more acceptable? Or is it just that the number I’m currently at is a sad number? Whatever it is, I need to let that number just be a number. I need to look at other measures and put a little Pollyanna spin on this whole journey.

The week resets tomorrow. The plan is to just keep tracking, just keep moving, and just keep thinking ahead. I’m going to use the one foot in front of the other kind of thinking to get through each day. That should close that 1.8 lb gap between me and that 50 lb charm that I keep playing with. I will have it in my possession very soon!

This week, I did not go to my weekly Weight Watcher’s meeting. I knew it wasn’t going to be a good week and it was the first time in a LONG time that I did not want to see that scale number go up. Let me rephrase that, I never want to see it go up but this week, I didn’t think I could handle it going up. It would just upset me too much.

That would have been me last night had I gone to Weight Watchers.

I can hear you asking “How did you know it would be bad?” I knew. I tracked halfheartedly this week and when I did track, I was over. I didn’t move as much as I should have and then there was Wednesday. The Husband, thinking he was being kind and thoughtful, brought home a bag of Rolos.

Chocolate and Caramel in one delicious bite-sized candy = Bliss.

There is a time in every woman’s life when chocolate is necessary and a time when I crave it more than any other time. Chocolate and salty foods – never fails. I can mark my calendar as to when the craving will hit. So the Husband heard me muttering about wanting some chocolate. This was his attempt to help. Now, I have been in Weight Watchers for almost 2 years. I appreciate the fact that he thought of me, but why the bag? Why not just the little candy bar size? Didn’t he realize that I have no will-power? Didn’t he realize that I am most likely a food addict? Didn’t he know that the bag would not last very long (which it didn’t)?

Now the trick is to minimize my shame over that fact. Forgiveness is something I do not handle lightly. I have been working on it as I make this journey. Forgiveness is key. If I cannot forgive myself when I make a mistake, I will never be able to succeed. If I beat myself up over every Rolo I eat, then I will not succeed. I am a master at guilting myself, convincing myself that it’s my fault. Again, I could explain my past but that matter of sending you my therapy payment gets in the way every time, sorry.

Yeah – that was how I looked after throwing away the empty bag of Rolos.

So, the Rolos are gone. Today has been good. No processed foods. No added sugars with the exception of my one cup of coffee this morning. If the Rolos come back into the house, I will kindly ask the Husband to remove them or hide them. They are not worth it. Did I enjoy them? Yes. Did I enjoy what number the scale at home showed me? No. Were the Rolos, therefore, worth it? Definitely not.

I am hoping that next week, I can report a loss. I am hoping that next week, I will have not gone over any of my daily points allowances or gone over my calories one single day. I am hoping that next week, I will have earned 14 activity points. It’s the little things that make the biggest difference. That being said, every day is a tracker day. Every day is a good health guidelines day. I cannot lose sight of that no matter what. I know it sounds like a broken record but it’s important that I keep reminding myself of these things. They seem like small steps to someone who has only a small amount to struggle with but for someone like me who is looking at losing a full-grown person – these small steps are crucial. Talking about them is necessary. Keeping them in my forefront is the only way I can ensure that my next snack or meal will be one that is on program.

There’s a quote someone on the Weight Watcher’s message boards used to share:

I was anxious to go to Weight Watchers this week. I had my surgery a week ago. I had gained a week ago. I was pumped full of gas and drugs and was not really too active in the days following surgery. I didn’t eat for three days because of the procedure. I wanted to see what the scale would say after a week of fun like that.

I may have crossed my toes at one point too.

I was happily rewarded with a 7 pound loss. SEVEN! That meant a lot of things for me.

First, I lost one of my WW daily Points Plus Points. I now get 44 PP per day. That’s a lot but as long as it keeps going down, it means I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. 44 PP is still enough for me to eat more than enough food. 44 PP is enough for me to still not even consider using my weekly Points allowance or any earned activity Points (when I am cleared to start exercising more). 44 Points is almost twice what a normal sized “overweight” person gets. Hooray! I’m getting closer to that 29 PP daily target!

It works for the most part. But I’ve always had the best success with WW, when I actually stick with it.

Secondly, I am in a new decade. I’m only 10 lbs away from what I weighed in high school which sadly was also ridiculously huge. I don’t live in a little dream world and sadly, I never have. When I can get to that weight that I remember Mrs. O’B recording on that fateful day in gym class, that weight that I had to pretend not to be on the verge of tears over, I will be officially in Virgin Fat Territory, or VFT (a WW term that some people use to describe the lowest weight they can remember being in their adult life). I don’t know why I stick with that weight. Maybe because it’s when I should have changed it all before it got so much more out of hand? Maybe it’s because that’s when I was really just having all kinds of identity issues? Oh wait, no, I’m confusing that last one with just plain old being in High School. No, I think it’s just the number that embarrassed me the most. No one should have that number in high school. Yes, I know that some people I went to high school with may be reading this right now. Hopefully, you were one of the nice people and didn’t make too much fun of me for being so ridiculously fat. If you did make fun of me, I forgive you. If you didn’t make fun of me and just thought I was a bitch, sorry. I just had a lot going on and was way too wrapped up in my own head trying to deal with the fact that I was just not someone who “fit in” the way I wanted to “fit in.” I could explain the vicious cycle of it all but then I would feel compelled to mail you a small check as a therapy payment. God help me if and when my own daughter gets to that stage in life…but I digress.

Thirdly, I am only 1.2 pounds away from the ever-elusive first 50 pounds lost! It has been slow. I have had to remind myself that I didn’t gain the weight over night, it’s not going to come off overnight. I haven’t given up on WW either. This is the longest I have ever committed to it. I have also seen some lasting changes in the choices I make which is another amazing victory unto itself. The first leg of the journey will be marked by that 50 lb loss. I still will have a ridiculously long way to go but I’m hoping that crossing that magic 50, a number I have never been able to hit will be good motivation for me to keep pushing to the second 50. I know it will be. It has to be because I’m tired of it and that is reason enough to keep moving forward.

I will drink a giant glass of water from this mug on the day I can say that. Fingers crossed, it may be next Thursday!

These things are kind of personal on a level that I didn’t originally intend to blog about but now that it’s out there, I feel like it will help me be more accountable. As if an army of readers (yes, I pretend I have an army of readers, it makes me feel better) will help me stay on track. I have my other list of reasons to keep moving forward stuck in various places so that every now and then I see them and I remember what I’m doing.

Hopefully in one week, I’ll be posting a picture of my little 50 lb WW charm. It will be glorious!

Mondays are always my mental reset button. I think it is because it is the start of the work week I feel that Monday is a fresh start. I felt this way last Monday too. I didn’t do poorly in my food choices over the weekend. Could I have done better? Sure, but overall it wasn’t terrible. Lobster on Friday and Sunday is always a win in my book.

Tonight though, I have been dying to tear into this…

Talenti Caramel Cookie Gelato

I don’t know what possessed me the other night when the husband asked me if I wanted anything from the store. Why is it that ice cream is always my first thought? And why is it that on that day, I asked for it? It’s been sitting in the freezer unopened…at least until tonight.

There goes my Monday reset. *sigh* I didn’t finish off the pint like I would have once upon a time. I guess that’s the good thing about gelato – it’s so much richer than ice cream. It almost fills you up quickly. Does that mean it has fewer calories or fat? Of course not!

I will say this though – if you are looking for some delicious frozen goodness…you MUST try Talenti Gelato. It is heaven swirled with rainbows and unicorns. The husband got himself the Banana Chocolate Swirl and loved it. It tasted like frozen, chocolate dipped bananas put in a blender and then served. SO GOOD!