May 10, 2017

Two Steps Back. ("Life, Medicated." Part 12)

It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long since I wrote an
update. It’s even harder to see where I am right now and be willing to share
that openly and honestly. But that’s my thing, right? So here goes.

On the upside, my medication appears to be working. I’m able
to function without descending into overwhelming moments of sadness. That’s a
good thing. My emotions feel like they have balanced out for the most part.

But there’s a downside. For the last several months, I feel
like I have been floating on auto-pilot. I am going through the motions each
day but I am not fully functional. I am not writing, not working out, and not
eating healthy. I’m really not doing much at all.

I am sleeping, though. A lot. I go to sleep each night by
8:30pm and wake up for work about 4:30am. I get home around 2pm and I fight to
stay awake until bedtime. I’d rather just nap the whole afternoon away.

That’s not good.

As happy as I am with my medication and to no longer be
dealing with crippling sadness, this can’t be a solution, either. I can’t
sleepwalk through life.

I am scheduling a follow-up appointment with my psychologist
to see if there is something we can do to modify my medication. I feel like we
have a handle on the too-far-down but we have also overly impacted my daily
activities.

Is there a solution? I have to believe that there is. And I
have to trust that we can find it soon.