Future Austen Adaptations

J uly 18th marked the two-hundredth anniversary of Jane Austen’s death. Since 1817, we have been treated to countless adaptations of Austen’s work, which have given us dozens of versions of Mr. Darcy to rank by hotness. Here are some predictions for the adaptations that the next two hundred years will bring.

Lydia Bennet’s Snapchat Story

This Snapchat story depicts the life of a modern-day Lydia Bennet in ten-second chunks. It starts out as a pretty standard third-tier-friend-of-Kylie Jenner Snapchat, featuring dog filters, inflatable pool swans, and hunks. Nothing really changes when there’s drama with Wickham, except that Lydia begins overusing the sad-pineapple emoji sticker. Long after there’s anything interesting going on between Lydia and Wickham, they try to stay relevant by getting really into crystals.

Virtual Reality “Sense and Sensibility”

This V.R. experience allows the viewer to live out the most exciting year in Elinor Dashwood’s life. The majority of the viewer’s time is spent in a sitting room doing needlepoint, with brief interludes of talking to random neighbors, and even briefer interludes of flirting with Edward Ferrars, who is fine but kind of a dullard.

“Mansfield Planet”

In Austen’s third novel, “Mansfield Park,” the young Fanny Price is sent to live with her aunt and uncle in the British countryside. This movie asks: What if she were sent to live with her aunt and uncle . . . in space? Everything else is the same as in the original.

A Harry Styles Album with Each Song Inspired by a Different Austen Love Interest

The man is an artist.

Venmo Presents: “Austen’s Juvenilia”

Did you know that Austen wrote some genuinely hilarious juvenilia? And did you know that, in the year 2085, Venmo is going to be a major studio that produces on-phone-only narrative content? At first you’ll be, like, “I don’t care about Venmo shows,” but when “Austen’s Juvenilia” comes out you’ll be hooked. (Not you you, of course. A general “you.” You you will be dead.)

“Persuasion” (2117)

Released in the year 2117, this rare film adaptation of “Persuasion” tells the story of an extremely elderly (twenty-seven-year-old) spinster who reconnects with her naval-officer ex-love. In this updated version, the Navy guys are always talking about how sea levels have risen, like, five whole inches in the past year alone, which maybe doesn’t sound that bad, but it is.

A Series of Plays, Movies, and Miniseries Starring Colin Firth’s Hologram

Just because adaptations of Austen’s work can and will continue to be made for hundreds of years doesn’t mean that we need to keep experimenting with who should play Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy is a thirty-five-year-old Colin Firth in a wet white shirt.

A Completed, Updated Version of “Sanditon”

Austen’s final, unfinished novel, “Sanditon,” begins with a carriage overturning. This version, written in 2150, begins with a self-driving car overturning. Wow! Technology!

Absolutely Nothing “Northanger Abbey”-Related

In 2158, the last remaining human who has ever heard of “Northanger Abbey” will die.

“Persuasion” (2167)

A generally faithful adaptation set in 2167, but now the planet is made of magma.

“Janes Austens”

In an age when cloning technology has finally been perfected, this movie asks: What would happen if a bioengineering company created a theme park filled with cloned Jane Austens? The answer is: the Austens pretty much just sit around writing novels.

A Dating App with No Real Men but a Fake Profile for Every Man Mentioned in an Austen Novel

It’s a really fun interface, and, since there are fifty billion humans on the planet, actual dating has been outlawed anyway.

“Fast & Fastibility”

In spite of what the title implies, this “Fast & Furious” movie (the seventy-second in the franchise) actually follows the basic plot of “Emma.”

“Persuasion” (2217)

This film, set after the explosion of Earth, depicts the budding romance between several human consciousnesses that have been uploaded to the Cloud. And, in keeping with liberalized expectations of women, the spinster character is no longer twenty-seven. She’s thirty-one. ♦