'The Football' is the nickname given to the briefcase containing the protocol and authorization codes for launching a nuclear offensive that's always carried by one of the president's nearby aides (Wikipedia article HERE). Except for this one. This one's filled with a party. Or, truthfully, more of a pre-party (those are only 375ml bottles!). The contents:

1 pair of handcuffs with 2 keys

Engraved plaque, personalized with 2 lines of text

375 ml Patron Tequila

375 ml Grey Goose Vodka

10 Advil tablets

24 Tums Extra Strength chewable tablets

(4) 2 oz Red Bull energy shots

.37 oz tin of Altoids

0.5 oz of Bausch & Lomb eye drops

1 wine bottle opener

1 deck of cards

5 dice

350 ml Martini shaker

4 shot glasses

Unfortunately, the damn thing costs $500. Now I didn't do the math (I took a shot instead), but I imagine I could put a similar party-pack together for under $100, which is STILL too much. *tink tink tink* You hear that? JanSport full of warm beer cans, baby!

Thanks to Jody, who knows you don't need a bunch of overpriced garbo to party hard, just a willingness to regret tonight, tomorrow. And to Bella Meow, who agrees the best way to not regret is to not remember. Haha, the ol' "beat your head on a nightstand as soon as you wake up" trick! It works, it really does.