Tuesday, 18 August 2015

You know that dream a lot of people have - the one about the Great American Road Trip? Renting a Harley or a topless muscle car and driving Route 66, hitting all the truck stops and shady motels - catching a glimpse of 'real America'. Well I have that same dream, I have had for years. Except in my dream instead of the more traditional stop-offs, my trip would be littered with state and county fairs, where I would gorge on some of the unholiest and fattening dishes imaginable. I'm talking deep-fried butter, bacon margaritas (yes, they're a thing) and hot beef sundaes, which only sounds perverse if you want it to. And once I've had my fill - and assuming I'd lived a long and happy life by this point - I think I'd just keep rolling (probably the appropriate word) westward until I tumbled into the Pacific, all fat and diabetic, without an ounce of regret or shame. Because that's what life's all about isn't it? Eating shit and then dying. It's beautiful. Anyhow, this here might just be the beginning of the end for me...I actually made a goddamn donut burger.

The thing about Krispy Kremes is that they're just effing delicious. (I wonder how many times I'd have to link to them before they send me free donuts. Lucky for them I've got all the time in the world). Top tip, by the way - when you're not using them as a makeshift burger bun, bang a Krispy Kreme in the microwave for a couple of seconds before you chow down, it makes for an outrageous sticky treat. Or just eat them as they come, but that's easily the most boring thing ever - we can all eat a donut mate.

Bacon. Because obviously. Smoked, streaky bacon is the only thing that works in a donut burger. Anything would just be ridiculous. Four rashers seems a sensible amount. Sensible. Ha.

Steak mince and a touch of salt and pepper went into these two patties before I stuck them in the fridge to chill before cooking. Spend a bit of time shaping them so they look real nice. Or don't, who cares; you're about to eat a donut burger - nobody's ever going to respect you again anyway.

*SHAMELESS PRODUCT PLUG KLAXON*. Frank's Red Hot is the tits. I put that stuff on everything. It's a permanent fixture on my Mount Rushmore of condiments along with soy sauce, Green Tabasco, and blue cheese dressing. It's not all about ketchup, people. The world's bigger than that.

Oh, and of course I fried an egg. Over easy though, I didn't want a runny yolk. I mean I might be a little bit crazy but I'm not some kind of sadist. Look at that beautiful selection of burger bits and pieces, all ready to be assembled. Is it breakfast? Is it dinner? Is it both? Yeah. It's both.

And that's the one. A Krispy Kreme Double Bacon Cheeseburger with a fried egg and hot sauce. I must admit, I only polished off half of this thing, giving the other half to my (surprisingly keen) better half. That's partly because I'm trying to eat healthier (LOL THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE) and partly because I would like to keep doing this blog and not, you know, die soon.

Monday, 10 August 2015

Soooo it's been a while huh? Y'all remember me? A lot has happened since we last spoke, and I feel like I haven't stopped moving since Christmas (*cranks up the excuse generator*). After 6 difficult months my wife and I moved out from under her parents' roof (unbelievably grateful, never again), bought our first house together (Fatboy HQ wut wuuuut), and have both started great new jobs (well I have, officially she starts hers in a few weeks - until then she's playing the role of a full-time painter/decorator/Friends-watcher).

So if the past 8 months seem to have flown by for us, this summer has lasted all of a fortnight. Our calendars would suggest otherwise, what with all of the BBQs, weddings, weekends away - not to mention countless warm evenings spent relaxing in beer gardens (IPA, if you're buying) - but it still seems like only yesterday that the schools were letting out and we were preparing ourselves for the inevitable disappointment that the British summertime would soon bring. (Rain, Wimbledon, David Cameron).

So before the summer has well and truly passed us by, let's squeeze every last bit of fun out of it. That means firing up the BBQ at any given opportunity, going for refreshing early morning jogs in the park (I have done this ONCE this summer, and it was yesterday), and - most importantly - drinking gin by the barrel-load. Just make sure you've got a good gin. This is a GREAT gin.

You might think that a dainty cocktail like a Watermelon Gin & Tonic is slightly out of my wheelhouse. You might be right. But you know what? It's fruity, and fresh and delicious. And above all else I promise my next blog post will be something with meat and disgusting amounts of melted cheese.

Simple strategy here. Slice up about 1/4 large watermelon, blend with the juice of half a lime. Ice, tumbler, juice, gin (x2 because, why not), top up with tonic, add a fancy straw and silly decorations. And that's all there is to it. This one's guaranteed to make the rest of your summer better. Prove me wrong.

Thursday, 8 January 2015

Few other snacks take me back to my childhood as much as Rice Krispies Treats do They were just everywhere. Whether I was at a birthday party, or some after school club, friend's house, field trip, boy scout meeting...wherever, someone was always opening up a tupperware and offering out these huge sticky slabs of marshmallowy goodness. In fact I'm pretty sure it was part of some American soccer mom's agreement, that you always had to have a fresh batch stowed away somewhere in your minivan, waiting and ready for distribution. And, if you forgot your treats, some other soccer mom would just swoop with hers, and then all of the other soccer moms would laugh at you, and call you names. I'm pretty sure that's what it was. Back then things were good.

Start with your mallows. About a bag and a half of the larger ones, which works out to be about 40, give or take the ones you shove in your fat gob. Hey do you remember the game chubby bunny? Where you keep sticking mallows in your mouth and until you can't say 'chubby bunny' any more? That was entertainment back in the 90s. Like, that was all that we needed. I reckon if I tried to get some kids nowadays to play that with me they would think I was straight up mental.

Rice Krispies. Or supermarket own-label version at least. Hey man, we're in a recession. I mixed it up and went half Coco Pops and half Rice Krispies because, you know, diversity and that.

6 cups ought to do you. Layering the different types in a pyrex jug is entirely unnecessary and for weak, contrived, artistic purposes only. But that's what I'm all about.

Weigh out and cut about 50g of butter into small pieces. I pretty much always use salted, in whatever I'm making. Unsalted butter is for losers. There I said it.

Using a bain marie slowly melt your butter and your marshmallows over a low to medium heat. This takes quite a while so have some patience. Keep stirring until the mallows are completely melted - it's still going to be quite viscous but make sure you can move a spatula through the mixture without any difficulty.

Remove the marshmallow mixture from the heat and, working as quickly as possible, pour in the Krispies. Stir as well as you can until everything's evenly coated. It's going to get extremely sticky (that's what she said?) so make sure you've cleared some space, got kitchen towels, etc.

At this point you can probably just grab a spoon and go to town. Go ahead. Nobody would judge you. You're in a safe place here.

If, however, you're committed to seeing the job through to the end, spread the mixture onto a baking tray that's been pre-lined with baking parchment. If you thought what you just did was sticky, this bit's even stickier (that's definitely what she said). Pop it in the fridge for 30 mins.