All posts by CityBoy

I am a 39 year old Television News Editor/Producer based in Charlotte, North Carolina. I lived and worked in the suburbs for years. Slowly but surely, all of my friends started getting married and settling down. I, on the other hand, was nowhere near that point, and was sick of the quaint neighborhood cookouts full of married people asking me when I was going to meet the right girl. After a chance encounter, I found a whole new group of friends who lived in the city and gave me a whole new perspective on the interactions of men and women. I have started to learn that working on me was the best way to meet the one I was meant to be with. It has been a slow, but valuable process. Now, combined with an amazing group of friends, I feel more confident to stick my toe back into the dating pool. If you read, and comment, I’m sure we’ll learn from each other along the way!

I have written about Sheila in the past, and while we always were friends, there was a period of time that we stopped communicating. Why? Well, she stopped answering my texts, and I stopped trying. I didn’t know why she stopped talking to me on a regular basis, and while in my head, I was trying not to take it personally, my heart was not going to be a compliant follower. I felt rejected, and seeing pictures of her doing different things with other people, kind of bothered me. Nonetheless, I felt it best to let things go. We might instant message one another from time to time, but nothing more. I didn’t want to be disappointed when things didn’t work out.

Then, one day, poof! She’s back.

I go jogging with a group of people most Saturdays and one Saturday, Sheila showed up.

At first I was a little angry.

Why here?

I had just gotten to the point where I was ready to forget her, and move on, then . . . There she is again.

A few weeks later, we went out. It wasn’t a date, but we were getting together to watch a soccer match on television. I was reticent, but I felt I had to try again. Then we went out again, and again. They weren’t dates. We were just going to a concert, then another one. Then we went out for drinks. I was hanging out with Sheila 2-3 times a week, and it was great!!

None of these were dates, but it felt nice to be around her again.

Then we went to a Halloween party, and this happened. . .

“I know there was a time that we weren’t talking, and I’m sorry about that,” said Sheila. The comment dropped as though we were talking about the weather or the next soccer match.

“But, I don’t want that to happen again,” she said, “I was trying to figure a lot of things out, and I didn’t handle things very well, but I completely adore having you as a friend. I know I want you in my life.”

I looked her in the eyes, and I knew she meant it. But I didn’t know it what it meant. . .

Was I getting the ‘let’s just be friends talk’?

If that was the case, I was prepared to handle it. Sure I might be disappointed, but I was determined to get over it and not jam up a friendship.

“Look, I can handle almost anything, but we have to communicate,” I said, “you’ve got to talk to me. I want you in my life, and if it’s not going to work out the way I may want it to, then I just need to get the hell over it.”

Sheila glanced up and to the left, then looked back at me. “Yes, but I think it’s vice-versa. I mean maybe you should let go and not worry about where it’s going. Whatever THIS is, we’ll figure it out. . .

I met Sheila a couple of weeks ago, and I have to admit, I am rather taken by her. She’s funny, fun to be around, smart, and attractive. What’s more, she’s new to town, ready and willing to try new things and go to places she’s not been before.

At this point, I can’t tell whether she sees me as just a friendly tour guide, or something more. I’m pretty cool about things, and either way, I’m happy, but I really want to know at some point. I figure pretty soon I might make some subtle advances and see if they’re returned, and that’s where the debate comes in. . .

My best female, friend, Brenda advises against this. Her philosophy seems to be to play the aloof card. In fact, with Sheila’s out of town on business and her birthday mere days away, I thought it might be nice to call and sing happy birthday on her answering machine. Is it a little goofy? Yes, but that’s me; that’s who I am. She seems to like me so far . . . right?

“What? Am I just supposed to ignore her birthday?”, I replied, shocked at the advice I was hearing. Brenda didn’t really have an answer for that . . .

I mean, I like this woman. Are we in 4th grade again? What am I supposed to do? Pull her hair? Call her names? I thought we were past all of this stuff as adults, and while I understand that panting like a loyal dog is not a way to win her heart, ignoring her doesn’t seem like a good thing either.

I’m a “do what I say I’m gonna do” kind of guy. If I tell you I will call. I will call. I don’t wait until the last second. If I want to take you out, I won’t wait past Wednesday to set something up. I just don’t see any point in pretending like I don’t care, if I do.

I realize, this philosophy can be taken too far, and may make some women uncomfortable. I know where that point is. I’m not gushing over her. I make eye contact, and get good eye contact in return. I keep plans light, and flexible, but I’m consistently available when I say I will be. If she wants to make plans, and I’m busy, I offer up another time or an alternate plan that works better with my schedule.

At the end of the day however, my heart is on my sleeve, and I believe I’m being told, that’s not a good thing. I think need to get some more clarity on where the line is.

Which brings me to my dilemma, ladies – especially the single ladies: How much aloof, is too much aloof? Do you ever get to a point where you cut him off because he’s too aloof? On the other hand, how much is too much? What are the rules, or are there any rules?

Your input is valuable . . .

Incidentally, I texted Sheila on her birthday . . . at the risk of losing my anonymity, it read like this . . .

“Well, you’ll never guess who I ran into last night,” I said as I climbed into the comfortable booth in my neighborhood watering hole.

Bree rolled her eyes, took another sip of beer then placed her glass neatly on the coaster, “let me guess . . . was it . . . Caroline?”

“Holy crap, how’d you know?”

“You texted me last night, or don’t you remember?” She was starting to get annoyed by the topic of conversation as we have spoken about it several times.

“Yeah, it was Caroline, but I think it went well. I mean, I don’t know it’s really awkward and all, but everything considered, I think it went well . . . I think.”

“You have got to get over this girl. I mean, I know; I get it. It’s chemical; it’s physiological; it may even be physical, but she’s not the one; she’s not the one; she’s not the one! You gotta get over this!” She finishes her pint, and tries to escape from more conversation on this very tired topic, but I’m not going to let it go so easily.

“You think I don’t want to be over this!?” I asked, “It makes me feel terrible. Caroline and I had something amazing, and then . . . nothing. We were speaking, and then, all of a sudden, we weren’t. I have intense feelings for her that I wish I could explain. I want them to disappear, so that I can go back to being myself when she walks in the room. But the thing is, to me, she’s amazing. She has everything that she needs to go anywhere she wants to go. It kind of makes me sad that she doesn’t realize that.”

Bree looked at me caringly but sternly and proscribed the words that have changed my whole perspective on the matter, “NEVER, fall in love with someone’s potential. Never do it because it will drain you, and you’ll end up with nothing.”

Hmmmm . . . . Well that sounds familiar.

There are two women from my past who have left me shattered, downtrodden, spent, cynical, and just plain exhausted, Nicole and Marcy. Now Caroline, a woman with whom I had a powerful connection, is teetering on being number three.

With Nicole and Marcy, nothing short of destroying the bridge between us was going to remedy my heart, and when I say destroy – let me tell you – I mean destruction of a nuclear proportion. Yes, I did and said things I am not proud of. At the time, however, I felt my actions, however distasteful, rid me of people who hurt me, sapped my positivity, and ultimately let me down time and time again. Great friendships became wastelands – toxic wastelands, and in each case, ultimately it was my fault.

Now I was staring right down the same alley, and it was a dead end. It was frustrating, painful, and it made me feel awkward in places I would normally be at home. I knew it had to end, but the last thing I could tolerate was another wasteland because wastelands are isolating, and a toxic wasteland is worse.
There was no reason Caroline and I can’t be friendly. Caroline didn’t do anything wrong, and that’s what haunts me about Marcy and Nicole. They weren’t bad people. Neither one of them ever really did anything terrible to me; it was how I felt around them. It was both euphoric and tragic; it was like a drug.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, then I was heading toward insanity quickly, but I couldn’t find the common thread until Bree said those words.

Never fall in love with someone’s potential.

After letting those words roll around my head for the next couple days, I found the key to the situation.

I didn’t have strong feelings for who they were; I fell for their potential, and somehow, I think they sensed it, even if they couldn’t put their finger on it. That’s why they all pulled away, and that’s why I felt so much pain. It was disappointment that led me to burn the bridges to friendship, and the pressure I put on them to be something they weren’t which caused them to pull away.

Caroline is a good person, and she deserves good friends. Whether I end up being one of them remains to be seen, but the awkwardness has to go. It’s toxic, and all the toxicity is coming from me because I inadvertently and unwittingly placed pressure upon her.

Never fall in love with someone’s potential.

That revelation has made me realize if Caroline and I are even going to be friendly, I’d better start being friends with her the way she is now, and not more than friends with her potential.

It’s late . . . really late. Rachael and I are going for a late night walk. As we stop at the corner, I mention that my place is just one block away and asked if she would like to come up. She agreed, and we proceeded to my loft.

We had been seeing each other for about a month, and she revealed many details of her past and present, but hid many others. I knew about the ex-husband, and the most recent ex-boyfriend. She told me that she was in no position to make any decisions regarding her romantic life. I was fine with that, after all, we were just getting to know one another, and we were just hanging out. But, after a week or two, we were calling each other pretty much every night, and texting once or twice during the day. We were attracted to each other, and we enjoyed each other’s company.

I got her some water then we sat down to listen to some music and look through some art books. On the phone we seemed to be closer, but here, in person, it felt like the Great Wall of China separated us. What was going on? Why was everything else so comfortable, and this so uncomfortable?

About a week or two before, I had heard rumors that the ex-boyfriend was not an ex-boyfriend, so I confronted her on this issue, and she told me that, in fact, yes, this was the case, but that she wasn’t into him anymore and she was going to break up with him. I was extremely skeptical, but since we were just getting to know one another, I really didn’t feel like I was in any position to judge her. I figured I would proceed with my guard up and wait to see what developed.

It developed, all right.

We have a couple of friends in common, and last weekend, I asked one of them what the deal was. He looked at me and said, “man, you don’t even want to know, but since you asked . . . That ex-boyfriend is moving to Los Angeles soon, and Rachael is really torn up about it. I keep telling her that she really needs to work on herself before she starts dating other people, but she keeps pining for him, and dating other guys.”

Wow. Look. I try to judge no one. As far as I’m concerned it’s not how much baggage you have, it’s how you handle your baggage that matters. If she had just been honest about the situation, I could have dealt with it. She would have felt more comfortable, and I would feel more at ease with the situation, and be more prepared to handle it properly. Now as things stand, I don’t even want to deal with her anymore. I’m not angry; I’m not even hurt. I am a little disappointed, though. Why all the lying? Did she think I’d never find out? How was this not going to blow up in her face? Can you make sense of this?

After my latest adventure into the world of Internet dating, I have realized that for the time being, I am done with it, for now.

It’s not that I think I’m better than all that, or that I look down on anyone who still subscribes to e-match-chemistry-date-fish, because believe me, I have tried them all. I have read about their individual methodologies, and how THEY will find the one for you . . . hell, they all but promise that if you stick it out long enough, you will meet the one, on their site. They have testimonials from “real” people who met through their site, and talk about their doubts, but found the love of their lives on e-match-chemistry-date-fish. For those of us with an ounce of hope still left, we can’t help but feel drawn to the possibility.

They’re out there . . . I just know it, and maybe I’ll find them here. . .

You might, but you probably won’t. Know why?

Here are a few reasons . . .

1.Woody Allen once said, “Ninety percent of life is just showing up.”

“Showing up” shouldn’t be taken literally in this context. When I think of showing up, I’m not just talking about the act of simply showing up. I’m talking about the culmination of experiences, heart, real courage, sincere investment, and the commitment to the process of internet dating that brings you to the table genuinely open to meeting other people.

In other words,
Being on the field, doesn’t mean you’re playing the game.

Most people don’t show up. They don’t mean it. They’re not really there to really meet people; they’re there to see what else is out there, and who might come to them. Most people are on the field, but they’re not playing the game. We’re all guilty of this at one time or another. The problem is, it’s impossible to tell who is just standing on the field, and who is out there to play, and the field is littered with thousands of “standers”.

2. Internet dating is shallow, and the sun is hot.

This is an inescapable truth. I have known people who do really well on the dating sites. You know what? They’re really good looking, and they would do well regardless. For those of us who rate between a 4 and 7 on the proverbial 10 point scale (which is 95% of us, by the way. Yes, even you), it’s kind of hopeless.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOU APPEAR ON A COMPUTER SCREEN.

Most people are. The problem is, we never get the chance to show the online dating world who we are because it rarely gets that far, so we end up a little frustrated. We know we’re better than we appear on e-match-chemistry-date-fish, but it’s damn near impossible for anyone to put that down on paper because no matter how we try to write it down . . . there is more to each of us than we could ever express through a words pecked on a computer keyboard.

3. E-match-chemistry-date-fish is a business.

These companies have one thing on their minds, making money. How they make the money may differ, but every business has a most basic goal. . . .make money. I’m not here to argue on endlessly about the evil nature of corporations, but the fact of the matter is that these companies don’t really care about whether you meet anyone. While they almost promise you’ll meet someone on their site, they won’t guarantee it, they can’t. They only want to convince you of the possibility so that they can get your money.

________________________________________________________________

I admit, all of this may be a bit cynical, but as I said before, it’s not that you CAN’T meet someone on the Internet, it’s that, in my opinion, it’s more likely that you won’t.

Now, I may be cynical, but I am also an optimist. If I have a problem with something, before I rant and rave in public, I like to come up with some solutions. An action plan, if you will.

Have you given up too, but are still unsure as to what to do next?

It’s not hopeless.

Here are some possible solutions.

1. Speed Dating.

I love speed dating. It’s not terribly different than on-line dating in many different ways, but it’s less expensive, and at least you’re getting to meet people face to face. If nothing else, you know the people you meet are, at the very least, showing up and putting themselves on the line. Worst-case scenario, you’ll have some funny stories to tell at the next cocktail party.
No joke, I once asked a woman while on a speed date which celebrity she would most like to see naked . . . she gave me a name I didn’t recognize . . . Turns out the celebrity she would most like to see naked is . . . a televangelist. The remaining 3 minutes of the speed date were a bit awkward, but I have a story to tell. I also met a foot model (yes, you read that correctly, foot model) who was pursuing her doctorate in literature.

Stories, folks, stories.

A person with a good story is always more interesting than a person without one, and you can’t get good stories without getting out there and experiencing your life.

2. Get Out There.

Go DO something that interests you. Not sure what interests you, or where to find people who like Medieval Basket Weaving . . . Go to you’re local free paper, and find out what’s happening in your town (you’d be surprised), or if all else fails, try www.meetup.com. There are thousands of meetup groups, who do all kinds of things.

If you’re getting out there and actually doing things, then you get the opportunity to meet people and show them who you really are. Plus you are actively participating in your life with other people who are actively participating in theirs.

Let me repeat, there is nothing wrong with Internet dating. I’ve done it. These days, I just feel like meeting people in a more traditional setting. If you’re still sold on the online dating world, it’s ok. You have hope . . . I admire that very much because I have hope, too, and it’s not always easy to keep it alive.

If you want to meet me, however, you’re gonna need to get out there, do something and meet me the old fashioned way . . . for now.

Sometimes you just have to write people off. It’s not that you’re mad with them, but there comes a point at which you realize that you’re not getting what you need out of a relationship, and it’s time for the relationship to end.

Kerri is a fun girl. Make no mistake about it; she is crazy fun. Every time I wondered how I had so much energy the night before, and why I stayed out so late, the reason was always the same. Kerri was in town. I was attracted to Kerri. Who wouldn’t be? She’s a fun, smart, sexy, redhead, who loves to party, sing karaoke and dance. She can crack dirty jokes with the boys, and was always up for another round. She was a one-woman circus who could keep us all entertained, and best of all, she seemed to like me.

Problems started as I was organizing a series of group events. Kerri would always say she was coming, but would never appear.

Anytime I organize a group event, I know there’s always going to be a few flakes . . . Things happen, stuff crops up, it happens all the time, and it’s not that big of a deal. With Kerri, however, it was the rule not the exception. Others in my group started to make a joke of her attendance, or the lack thereof, and some wanted me to ban her from the group. At first I made light of it too, but after a while I started to realize, this is just the way she is.

I have heard it said that 75% of life is just showing up. Well, Kerri wasn’t showing up. This doesn’t make her a bad person, but the question is, am I willing to accept people who behave like this? Is there room for them in my life? Should I keep investing, caring, and defending a relationship, even a friendship, if I don’t like the fact that she doesn’t seem to follow through?

I am all for accepting people for who they are, but at some point I felt like I needed to see if I was getting what I needed out of this relationship as it was. After all, she’s not going to change, see the error in her ways, and start behaving the way I want her to.

She’s Kerri. She is who she is, and it’s fine.

It’s just not fine for me.

I wasn’t angry; I wasn’t hurt, and I didn’t make any decision out of these emotions. I just realized that I didn’t want to invest in people if they weren’t really going to show a little caring for me.

How did this happen? She was my favorite in our little group, and now I didn’t even give a crap one way or another . . . How sad.

I had recently purchased a home, and decided to throw a housewarming party. I specifically told my guests that in light of the economy, there was no need to bring any gifts. Kerri told me she’d be there, and like clockwork, she flaked. I wasn’t hurt; I was past that. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, but the final straw came in the form of an e-mail from Kerri.

As usual, I missed an event..lol.. surprise! But it was your house warming and for that, I am sorry. I have a gift for you tomorrow though.. I haven’t forgotten. So please see the principal after school!! Don’t ignore me like you always do…

-K

Ignore you? Ha! Now that is a laugh. As if I, am somehow the bad guy here. I didn’t utter a cross word about her missing events. I didn’t talk badly about her to the others, and I was friendly every time we met, and yet, I’m ignoring her. Wow!

The next day, I saw her at a social event. She was really late, and evidently had slipped into the back of the room and was sitting with some other people. Eventually, I saw her, she smiled and I walked over to say hello and be cordial. She smiled, looked over, and then hid her face grinning the whole time. She looked at me, giggled and said, “I suck at life.”

I was confused; I had no idea what that meant. Plus, it didn’t really matter that much because I was sort of over the whole thing anyway.

“I forgot your gift,” she said giggling, smiling and laughing as though it was funny.

It wasn’t funny to me. It was just kind of sad. It was yet one more flaky thing in a line of flaky things that she has done, and I was totally over it.

“It would matter, if I cared,” I said calmly, and walked away.

She made another comment which may or may not have contained the word a**hole, but I didn’t really care.

The point of all of this is to let you know, dear reader, that it’s ok to get rid of people who don’t give you what you need. The key is to calmly, rationally figure out what your needs are, then invest in those people who really give it to you. I don’t need a one-woman circus, a whirlwind, or a crazy, hot, sexy, party girl. I just want the girl who will take the time to be there, to follow through. Kerri wasn’t that girl. I still like Kerri for who she is, but it’s not what I am, and I don’t have enough space to let her in anymore.

You are small. You are anonymous. I mean really, what difference does it make what you do on a day-to-day basis? Do you feel small? Good. You should feel small, because you are.

Think I’m beating you down.

I’m not.

There’s nothing wrong with being small, and anonymous. It’s a good thing . . . really.

Look, if you’re small and anonymous, you have a BIG opportunity. You have the opportunity to fall flat on your face without consequence. The fact of the matter is, even if there is a consequence, it’s very short lived . . . The only person making a big deal of it in the long run, is you.

When you’re small and anonymous you can let failures roll off your back. There won’t be an instant replay of you getting dissed on Sports Center. No one is tweeting your failure to millions of followers. It’s just you, her, and some of her friends. Focus on the next possibility rather than your last failure. After all, no one really cares that much. If they laugh at you, it’s only temporary, and shortly they’ll move on to something else. Furthermore, if someone is really that mean, do you really want to get to know her anyway? So why not approach the girl? So what if you fail? Who cares? Of course YOU care, but let it go. The likelihood is that your failure has very little to do with you anyway, so pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

If you fail a couple of times in one venue and you feel like everyone knows, the reality is, they probably don’t, but hey, if it’s really getting to you, switch venues; stay fresh and upbeat. Surely there’s more than one place to talk to people in your town.

Notice I said talk to people, not talk to women, hit on women, try to get numbers, try to get dates, or girlfriends. I said talk to people.

When you see a girl you find attractive, think of her as a person, a person you might like to know better.

You don’t know her, so how do you know you want to date her?

Approach with the attitude of a guy who’s chatting just to chat. Remember you have no other agenda, other than to learn a little about her. You want to see if she’s nice, right? You want to know if she’s smart, right? You can get a sense of these things if you just talk to her a little.

She may be jaded or just plain mean, and she may immediately go into defensive or nasty mode, but don’t let that discourage you. Remember, you’re just chatting, and if she’s being mean or jaded, that’s her problem and it has nothing to do with you.

Break from your shell a little; break free of your fear of failure because remember, you’re anonymous. She doesn’t know you and you don’t know her.

When you walk down the street, do you wonder whether every person who passes by likes you? Of course not, they pass by and you think nothing of it. Look at every person you try to talk to the same way. They’re just strangers who pass by.

Relax, and enjoy the process of meeting people. If you have a nice, relaxed conversation and you want to move forward and, say, get her number or meet her again, it’s a natural progression.

I read somewhere that you should, “approach every attractive girl, there’s no reason not to.” That’s good advice. There really is no reason not to.

As I sit in this coffee shop, I feel the ground shifting beneath my feet. No, unlike many of the writers on this blog, I don’t live on the west coast, so it’s not an earthquake.

It’s change, and a lot of it.

It’s all good change, and it’s really exciting change: there’s a new place to live, new surroundings (even if it’s a familiar city), a new year, in a new decade, and new resolutions.

It’s on the last one, I pause. What resolutions? I mean, how will I improve myself in 2010. . . I can always go with the regular ones – lose weight, be in better shape, read more, manage money better, blah blah blah. Sure, those are all good ones; they never go out of style, but I want to dig deeper.

On a recent late night drunken talk with a group of my best friends, we got into it – the real stuff . . . Life. It was during this hardcore discussion that a question arose that has been rolling around my head ever since. We passed that question around the room.

What do you want?

What do I want?

Sounds easy, right.

Not really.

Sure, go with the easy, obvious answer, but then you’re not getting to the heart of the matter, and you’re cheating yourself in a very valuable exercise.

It took a lot of thought, but after some reflection on the last year, the answer is simple, and yet, it’s gonna be really hard.

I want a new attitude.

I looked through all of the books that I read over the last year most of which dealt with dating, personal growth, and body language. I finished up with Wing Girl Kim’s “Alpha Dog, Get the Bitch You Want” which I will tell you, is really helpful. The reading I have done combined with some other personal experiences led me to one conclusion.

In the end, the only person I really have to please, is me.

I spent so much time contemplating, calculating, trying to figure out what others want from me, that I passed on what I wanted. This wasn’t always a conscious decision, but in retrospect many times I did things based on what I thought would make me more palatable to more people; I wanted to be liked. This isn’t to say I was fake, but I think I was timid for fear that no one would want to follow where I was leading. I was afraid of being alone, being abandoned. That timidity caused me to be very well liked, but not respected, and certainly not boyfriend material.

As a result, I found that I was disappointed, in myself, in my results, in my relationships, in my dating, even in my work, but I was too afraid to take the reigns for fear of failure. This made me, more disappointed and more timid.

It was a sad cycle that had to end.

After I bought my new place, I noticed this new found feeling of independence. All of a sudden, I could see the person I wanted to be starting to emerge. I feel less afraid to go out and try things, and more willing to strike out on my own – captain my own ship.

This is what I think an alpha dog does. Sure they lead a pack, but they only lead because they have the conviction and the internal desire to go their own way. They steer their own ship, and take it wherever they want. Alpha Dogs don’t really worry whether everyone or anyone else follows. They go in the direction they want. Alphas are always in control, and they’re not terribly concerned with what others think. It’s not that alphas are insensitive – they have no intention of hurting anyone, but they only do what they want.

My New Year’s resolution is to steer my own ship, go my own way, and spend a lot less time worrying about whether anyone follows. It’s going to require a lot of internal monitoring, and a lot more work, but I think the results are already beginning to show.

As I sit in this coffee shop, cars whiz by, conversations percolate, and a dog happily chews on his bone while Elliot Smith, M. Ward and The Eels play on the stereo. I am struck by how everything quietly, pleasantly buzzes here in the city. The buzz of the city feels like possibility much like it did when I would venture into downtown Baltimore as a child. I’m on my own here in this coffee shop, doing what I want to be doing, and it feels nice. It feels comfortable, like a captain’s chair. I may not know exactly where I’m going, but from now on I’m steering my ship.