Avid

November 1998

Well hello there! My name is Avid and I am an 18 year old
lesbian/college student. My hobbies include knitting, horseback
riding, long walks on the.... No, no. That's not me. I swear I have
multiple personalities...and if you have the same affliction... do
you ever notice how most of them come out when your on the computer?!
There should be studies about this connection I tell you! Well,
enough ranting about nonsense. I read someone else's article that
declared there were two types of Oasis writers -- one that wrote for
themselves, and one that wrote for the benefit of others. Dare I say,
there is a third type...because quite possibly I am doing both. A
little free therapy for the both of us certainly could not hurt.

Where oh where should I begin?! I've known since the dawn of time
that I was attracted to women...it's just the realization part that
took me quite a few years. That major epiphany that comes when you
finally say "Yes. I'm gay. And yes, it's okay." And no, my epiphanies
usually do not rhyme...but it worked in this case. For a long time
when I was younger I consciously thought I was a boy. I had the hair
cut, the clothes, the attitude, the GI Joe action figures, the
strength, and the flirtatious swagger when it came to other girls. I
had everything but the body parts to prove it.... Alas, the breasts
started coming and I was forced to say to myself...."Yes. I'm a
Girl." Sheesh....how many coming outs can one chick take in a
lifetime?!

I either grew out of it or suppressed my tendencies, whichever,
but I began to conform to the masses and started dating guys and
pretended I truly enjoyed their company. I always felt the desire to
be with my best friends rather than my boyfriends but I pushed it
aside and became what I despised. Those girls that sat in the school
bathroom painting their nails and raving over how fine Josh looked
that day or how dreamy the New Kids on the Block were. Oh come on
now....you know you liked them back in the day...don't deny it!
Without divulging into my past...I should probably discuss my present
day situation and leave the past...for, well...future articles.

With all the mental and emotional growth I have achieved over the
last six years (in which I was out to myself) is all washed away when
I get in the shower every morning. I put on a facade just like I put
on my watch. I'm frightened of the people around me at school and at
work. Not that I think that most of them would not accept me...but I
do not believe I am ready to even give them the opportunity. At least
I have stopped verbally pretending men are attractive for the sake of
my family and peers. That's a plus right?!

However, it has been tough to hide my true emotions in public.
Which also scares me. When an attractive women comes in the door at
work I either escape out of helping her in fear that my eyes and my
charming smile will betray me, or if I do assist her, I am incapable
of forcing myself to look her in the eyes. I have gotten extremely
good at this little hide and go seek game I play....but it certainly
does not stop at helping beautiful women at work....but I somehow
pretend that no one can see me when I go out somewhere in public.
Like a snake that can be twenty feet long and put its head under a
rock and it thinks nothing can see him. Same concept, except that my
head is covered with long hair. I needed it to be cut for months but
chose not to in fear that any length removed will inhibit me from
being invisible. I have magic hair my friends... I did finally get my
hair cut and I am feeling just fine, thank you.

I rationalize these types of things in my mind to keep me in a
safe and comfortable bubble so to speak. Despite what I have said, I
am actually an extremely outgoing and personable woman on the
outside...but only my mind, my therapist, my sisters, and my past
girlfriends know the truth. Gee...that sounds like an awful lot of
people all of the sudden! Does anyone else rationalize things in
their mind to feel safe and okay about themselves and their
surroundings... or am I just crazy?!

Anyway...It gets extremely hard to meet women, especially when you
hide like I do. All the girlfriends I have had started out as best
friends...so I have never been able to meet someone and just start
dating. Its difficult enough being alone in this world...but being
alone and gay just horribly reeks! It's funny...not ha ha funny mind
you...but the reason I cannot meet women in an everyday setting is
because most of us are closeted. And if I see a woman that I presume
is gay...they are usually working at the hardware store if you know
what I mean...sigh.

Another problem I have is this "gaydar" people speak of...which is
basically a homing signal that tells you who is gay and who is not.
Well....perhaps you have to be an official card carrying lesbian or
something...but I do not have this nifty piece of machinery. If
anyone knows where I could possibly find one, please do not hesitate
to write!

Well....this is becoming extremely longer than I had originally
expected...so I shall leave you with a quote a hero of mine once
said.... "We all eventually become what we pretend we are. So you
better pretend to be something you can live with." --- Xena