Level 44 Emo Kid

I had the first bum avatar.

Jalapeno Bootyhole, the creative director of Forumwarz.com, Inc, is looking for an Apprentice.

UPDATE: The candidates have been picked, and there’s a new thread to meet your creative team!

This isn’t a contest. It’s an opportunity to make a major mark on Forumwarz Episode 3 and earn up to a four-figure salary this summer.

You might be the right person for the job. Read on for the greatest challenge in Forumwarz history!

THE PITCH

I’m looking for editorial help in producing Episode 3. While I’ve always had lots of support from Crotch Zombie, my friends and Forumwarz players, this time I’m directly reaching out to the community to find a talented and reliable protégé who will bumist me in every aspect of my work.

It will be akin to a summer internship, lasting roughly from June 1 to September 1. You’ll work closely with me (and other content contributors) and become privy to almost every aspect of the coming production. Your role will variously be an bumistant editor, bumistant producer, junior writer and personal bumistant.

Crotch Zombie has given me a budget of roughly $2,000 (US) to spend this summer, plus several hundred BP. E-Peen™ will come into play as well, naturally. The amount of money you’ll earn as an Apprentice will be proportional to the amount, quality and timeliness of your work. We may not spend our entire budget, but I’d be happy to spend it all — or more. If we’re getting tons of amazing work, it should be rewarded.

So, although I’m looking for one great hire, there should be enough in the budget to spread to multiple contributors. The Apprentice will therefore lead a team of creatives, who will also be able to receive wages for their work, subject to negotiation.

Make no mistake: You’ll be working on the cheap. That’s the nature of internships, and most online writing gigs. We’re not Donald Trump here. But that the more you put into this, the more you’ll be rewarded. This is how I’ve always approached Forumwarz; I worked on Episodes 1 and 2 with no expectation of payment, but I knew that if we built something people liked, it’d be worth it.

More importantly, this should be a lot of fun, a great creative exercise, and something for your portfolio.

THE FORMAT

Like the TV show “The Apprentice,” I’ll start with a small team of applicants and begin testing them throughout the first few weeks. Some will prove more capable and easy to work with than others.

You’ll be asked to do small, specific tasks, and based on the quality of your input, I’ll start to pare down the candidates. I won’t be so crbum as to do humiliatingly public “firings” (unless you ask me to, I guess), but some candidates may find themselves knocked out the running if they’re simply unable to contribute as much as they bumumed.

Closer to June, I should have a small team of contributors, headed by our Apprentice. We’ll have an email distribution list, a private subforum and offsite chatrooms. You’ll have the opportunity to suggest, create and improve upcoming content. Some of you may become “project managers” and coordinate initiatives of your own. Finally, you’ll be able to negotiate payment for certain tasks.

REQUIREMENTS

Episode 3 is going to be a major production. I want it to be Forumwarz’s swan song. But I can’t do it alone. You don’t hire one writer to create eight seasons of Mad About You, and you sure as hell don’t use one writer to create something as big as Forumwarz.

That’s where you come in. As the prospective Apprentice:

► You are an excellent writer and editor, and particularly good at comedy writing for internet audiences. You may have had work published before. You see this as an opportunity to prove yourself and create something great.

► You are very familiar with Forumwarz’s style and sensibilities. You appreciate our approach, and you have great ideas of your own. You can surprise us with stuff we would’ve never thought of, while still conforming to our overall mythology and story arc.

► You have practically memorized the Forumwarz style guide. The fact that Forumwarz even has a style guide, however imperfect, makes your privates tingle a little.

► You are familiar with the art of storytelling. You may have read “Story” by Robert McKee. You write for fun. You have aspirations to become a professional writer, if you aren’t one already.

► You are highly organized, dedicated, self-motivated, trustworthy and professional. In other words, a great employee.

► You are able to telecommute. You recognize that, while nothing beats a round table, the modern workplace is increasingly becoming long-distance.

► You are available by email, instant message and audio chat. You use Skype or gTalk. If not, you’re willing to start.

► Your emails are courteous, professional and concise. You are able to respond within reasonable time limits. You won’t swamp me with email, because you’ll understand that I receive a lot of it.

► You are able to deal with egos, and you’re willing to have your ego bruised. You can take notes and critiques from editors without getting bumhurt. Conversely, you’re confident in your ability to offer useful, constructive criticism to your colleagues. You can work in a team, even with people you disagree with. You don’t like drama.

► You have the patience to go through lots of content (like this post), while recognizing how internet viewers respond to text. If this application is too long for you, you’ll have trouble dealing with game dogreat timesents.

► You are familiar with Google Docs, you have Office 2007 and you know how to compare dogreat timesents in Word. Familiarity with screenwriting software (Final Draft, Movie Magic, Celtx) is a plus.

► You are relatively HTML-savvy.

► Familiarity with Photoshop and basic graphic design principles is a big plus.

► Ability to voice-act and familiarity with audio editing software is an bumet.

► You are dedicated to keeping all our communications private. You will never reveal spoilers. You understand that doing so will lead to a permaban (or worse, contract violation).

► At the same time, you’re willing to give up some personal privacy for this gig. You’ll no longer be just a screen name. You’ll be a real person. We’ll be working closely together and getting to know each other.

► You’re available throughout the whole summer. This won’t be a 9-to-5 gig, but you should be on call when needed. The nature of this gig is cyclical and sporadic, so you’re able to work within an irregular schedule. You can manage your time effectively.

► If you happen to live in and around the Greater Toronto Area and can attend meetings, that’s a plus.

ABOUT “THE JALAPENO”

I’m really Mike Drach. My background and education is in magazine journalism, but for the last five years I’ve worked as a screenwriter, editor and developer in Toronto’s animation industry. I’ve also done a bit of game writing, including co-creating Forumwarz. I specialize in short, piecemeal content that skirts the line between edgy and tasteless.

I work on a strict schedule. If I can get my routine together this summer, I’ll begin my workdays at about 7:30 am (EST) and be on call throughout the day. However, I like to go out a lot, and don’t check my email outside my home or office.

I see Forumwarz as a labor of love, and I want to work with people who’ll see it the same way. In seeking out the Apprentice, I’m ideally finding a colleague whom I can count on for life, not just for this project.

I doubt it. We’ve had multiple contributors since day one. Some of the best material we’ve had came from the wisdom of crowds; see our Episode 2 credits for a bunch of names you’ve never heard of. That’s from our Toronto creative sessions, which were lots of fun and yielded much hilarity.

Crotch Zombie will be overseeing the entire production and we’ll ensure its voice is strong and consistent.

• But surely, hiring outsiders will dilute the brand. How can you trust your Apprentice?

This application process will go a long way to ensure that our Apprentice is someone we can work with. If no such personage emerges, they’ll simply be given a lesser role.

We’re under no obligation to let any one person determine the direction of our game. We still call all the shots.

Look, would Donald Trump let his apprentice commission a building shaped like a male reproductive organ with a giant neon sign that says “TERRORISTS, FLY INTO ME”? No. We’ve had good experiences with peer contributors before, and this time it’s going to be even better.

• You said there may be multiple paid contributors. Are we going to be fighting over the same wage pool?

While we do have a budget in mind, based on the amount of actual work hours we expect to compensate, we don’t think it’ll come to that. But, like I said, if we end up going over budget, that could be a good thing. It’ll mean people really stepped up!

• How much does this gig pay, exactly?

During the selection process, it will play out a bit like the show itself, or last season’s House M.D. You’ll be given tasks and working for props and BP. Once we’ve weeded out the candidates, we’ll just have to play it by ear. But you’ll basically be freelancing for the equivalent of minimum wage for self-reported hours. You won’t get rich off this, but as a supplement to a summer job, you might find it worthwhile.

• Have you got any candidates in mind?

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve already encouraged several users to take part in this. This doesn’t guarantee them a spot in the Apprentice judging round, and I’ll still ask them to send an application to gauge their interest, ability and availability. I promise to judge each candidate on their own merits.

• This application is already way tl;dr! You call yourself a web writer?

I know this is getting crazy long, but unfortunately a lot of text is often necessary for communicating complex ideas. In the game itself, we split up our content so it’s more readable and we make certain parts skippable. However, the amount of pure text produced is mbumive.

As a writer and editor, you should probably get used to dealing with large word counts. (We’ll be communicating a lot via audio chat, so at least all our emails won’t be gigantor walls of text.)

• Getting people to do work for you? Isn’t this your job?

Don’t worry, I’ll have plenty work to do myself. Plenty. Running the Apprentice will undoubtedly create even more work for me, but I’m willing to do it.

Every TV series has multiple writers. This ensures high quality and keeps things from becoming monotone. And every episode has a pack of writers attacking the script in the boardroom. The only difference is, we won’t be able to go for beers afterwards. But it can still be fun and satisfying work.

• Why isn’t this posted in the Contests section?

Because there’s actual money involved. While the selection process is somewhat akin to a competition, we will eventually be contracting someone out for their editorial services. So, we can’t legally treat this as a contest or lottery.

• Can I apply if I’ve been permabanned?

No.

Actually, your ban record might also be a factor in my decision. You don’t have to be a goody two-shoes, but I’m looking for people who are more interested in contributing than trolling.

• But JB, why would I want to work for a bumhurt fabulous person?

Er…if I understand the question right, you’re concerned that I’d be a tyrannical, overly vindictive boss? All I can say is, there are people who can vouch for me. Plus, there’s no way I could be as bad as The Donald.

• I would’ve done this for free! Isn’t money actually a demotivator?

Ironically, sometimes it can be. But there’ll be plenty of opportunities for talented content providers to do things for the fun of it, or for BP/Peen. The Apprentice recognizes that some of this will be a genuine, responsible job. As a freelance writer myself, I think people should be rewarded for doing real work!

I may never find someone that dedicated. But the idea is to mold someone into a great content provider, using Forumwarz as a platform.

APPLYING

If you’ve read all the above and you’re interested in applying, email your application to apprentice@forumwarz.com. You can attach a resume and writing samples, but your cover letter is your chance to express yourself.

► Tell me your working experience. What makes you a great employee? If you’re a student, tell me about your academic career.

► Tell me your approach. What sensibilities do you bring to the table? What games, writers, websites, shows inspire you?

► Tell me your relationship to Forumwarz. What is it about this game that makes you want to get involved? What did you like and dislike about Forumwarz Episodes 1 and 2? What would you have changed? Be specific.

► Tell me, specifically, what kind of work you’d be interested in doing. There are no bad ideas, so sell me on them.

► Tell me about your technical chops. What software are you familiar with? Are you good at programming, HTML, graphic design, audio editing, photography, animation? How fast do you type? How fast is your internet connection?

► Tell me about your situation. What’s your working, living and studying schedule like this summer?

► Tell me about your headset. Do you use a headset? What kind of headset? Don’t you love headsets?

Most people would say “be creative with it,” but I don’t want a bunch of rambling, jokey applications here. Be yourself and be honest. Your sense of humor will shine through.

If you want a creative exercise, try pitching a name for this nonexistent forum: “Barbecuing — it’s not just for guys! [BLANK] is the largest and most comprehensive forum for women who love to barbecue. Sisters are grillin’ it for themselves!”

Note: You may choose to pitch me an idea for a forum, character or mission. Please only do so if you’re willing to accept that we may in fact use your idea, without necessarily using you to create it. We already have a huge list of ideas for Episode 3 and one of them may resemble your pitch. However, if you come up with an original concept that we would like to use, you will at least receive credit for it.

Finally, if you’ve come this far, I should point one thing out: Don’t post your application here! Email it to us at apprentice@forumwarz.com. But feel free to post questions, concerns and comments in this thread.

Manphin's Prehensile male reproductive organ Was Here.

Level 44 Emo Kid

I had the first bum avatar.

Largehardoncollider Posted:

I’ve had an interest in animation/graphic design since I was twelve (I stole flash, photoshop, and fireworks). I am very well rounded with flash illustrator and photoshop. I’ve done well for myself in “create an avatar” contests, and I won a rule 34 contest here with a an animated gif of the troll fapping on to raepdog. I’ve secretly made an endeavor to animate a scene with the camwhore being raped by bidsquid, and I am especially well rounded in the field of morbid/ribald humor.

Are you trying to intimidate the other candidates? Log in to see images!

Level 69 Troll

THE LEGENDARY PINK DOBS

Level 69 Hacker

Not needed anymore now that we have the SarcMark

*Sigh* I’d love E-Peen and BP. And the chance to contribute. But I’m afraid that I’ve had nothing published, and I work in a full time job, so I won’t be able to contribute to my fullest. Also, my sense of ‘humour’ is somewhat…offbeat. But if there’s anything that I can do (even unpaid) to help out the competition, or bumist the proper candidates in any way, just give me a bell.

I’ve a high grasp of English (and gibberish) for that matter, and I enjoy proof-reading. I can also muddle my way through GIMP.

Level 35 Camwhore

“Legs Wide Open”

Sarcasm Inc Posted:

*Sigh* I’d love E-Peen and BP. And the chance to contribute. But I’m afraid that I’ve had nothing published. But if there’s anything that I can do (even unpaid) to help out the competition, or bumist the proper candidates in any way, just give me a bell.

I’ve a high grasp of English (and gibberish) for that matter, and I enjoy proof-reading.

*Prepares to be buried under a tide of posts*

this is p much the same that stops me from applying Log in to see images!