Sunday, February 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Outgoing senior White House adviser John Podesta says his biggest failure was not securing the disclosure of UFO files. He also says the threat of ISIS is nothing compared to the recent sightings of Bigfoot in the White House rose garden.

A new dating app determines what people find attractive in a mate and does the searching for them. The only problem is when the person they are attracted to is turned off by someone who is too lazy to even look for their own online dates.

A new dating app determines what people find attractive in a mate and does the searching for them. The next goal is to make an app that will carry on a conversation with people’s dates so they never need to look up from their smartphone at all.

Apple is reportedly building an electric car. The only problem is having to listen to Siri constantly say “You're going too fast!,” “There’s a red light up ahead” and “I think you need to pull over and ask for directions.”

Questions are now being raised about Brian Williams’ claims he was at the Brandenburg Gate when the Berlin Wall came down. He says he may have confused that with the time he wrote the Brandenburg concertos.

A report from Oxford University lists 12 ways the world could end. The worst part is that 7 of them are tied to Ted Cruz being elected President.

A Comfort Inn in Hollywood has been named by cheating website Ashley Madison as the top spot for celebrities having affairs. Which can mean only one thing. It must be some really hard times for Charlie Sheen.

Gunmen attacking a polio vaccination team in Pakistan killed one person. Which gave the anti-vaxxers even proof in their claims that immunizations can kill you.

A company called Cuddle Clones uses photographs to make stuffed animals that look exactly like your pet. Although if you want a perfect reproduction of your cat that never moves from the same place and completely ignores you all day, what’s the difference?

John Kitzhaber is resigning as Governor of Oregon. Apparently no one realized just how badly the people of the state were still taking that loss to Ohio State in the National Championship game.

President Obama has vowed to “squeeze every bit of change” out of his last two years in the White House. Although after the national debt has made it all the way up to $17 Trillion, a bit of change is pretty much all that is left.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she nodded off during the State of the Union speech because she couldn’t resist having some of the “fine wine” they were serving. As opposed to the Republicans who always show up to an Obama speech looking forward to the opportunity to just whine.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she nodded off during the State of the Union speech because she couldn’t resist having some of the “fine wine” they were serving. As opposed to most Democrats who are still trying to figure out how to put a cork in Joe Biden.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she nodded off during the State of the Union speech because she couldn’t resist having some of the “fine wine” they were serving. And who would know more about aged spirits than someone who is sitting with all the other justices on the Supreme Court?

Pope Francis I told Cardinals to put aside their pride, jealousy and anger. Which was pretty much a signal he has no intention of giving the clergy permission to get married anytime soon.

Some U.S. colleges are bringing chaplains onto campus to serve nonbelievers. Mostly the students who question the presence of a supreme being after spending $100,000 for a degree that gets them a job at a convenience store.

United Airlines says it has a tentative deal to outsource 1,000 jobs at 16 airports. The airline figures it can save a lot of money by just hiring outside workers to hold up signs saying “all flights canceled.”

A report says many textbooks in schools are being replaced by online lessons. Or as most students know textbooks as, those things that make their backpacks really heavy.

A union fund adviser has told McDonald’s they need to shake up their board. To make it more understandable for the fast food executives, they were all on the menu and that the latest order just came with a turnover.

Inmates in the South Carolina prison system are being placed in solitary confinement if they are caught on Facebook. That’s nothing new. Just ask the men who have been given solitary when their wives see who they have been messaging on Facebook.

A survey says the most popular Valentine’s date meal is sushi. Mostly because women no there isn’t going to be a second date if they order the steak and lobster.

Apple will allow apps for legal pot after being petitioned by the marijuana industry. Which was followed by an unprecedented jump in iPhone sales at least in Washington state and Colorado.

A survey shows that North Dakota had the highest payroll to population rate in the country in 2014. Mostly because it doesn’t take a lot of money to keep that rate up for the 400 people who stay in the state through the winter months.

The federal government has approved Apple pay for some official transactions. Mostly since they feel only a company with Apple’s money can bankroll payments to an institution that is already $17 Trillion in debt.

A study says that while driving, pot smokers are safer than drunk drivers. Mostly because the pot smokers have already come down from their high by the time they remember where they left their car keys.

A study says that while driving, pot smokers are safer than drunk drivers. Mostly because it’s hard to get into too many accidents when your top speed is 7 miles an hour.

A study says that 1 in 4 people think it is OK to not vaccinate kids because of personal or religious reasons. At least as long as there is still a good barber-surgeon in the neighborhood who can still give them their necessary leechings and blood lettings.

A study says that stopping at red lights subjects people to unhealthy pollutants. Which shows that Lindsay Lohan isn’t really a bad driver as much as she is just trying to be health conscious.

A study says that smoking is linked to brain damage. Especially for anyone who lights up too close to a militant non-smoker.

The FDA has approved a genetically modified apple that won’t turn brown after being cut open. Now if they could just make a genetically modified banana that won’t turn brown within ten minutes of becoming ripe.

The FDA has approved a genetically modified apple that won’t turn brown after being cut open. What they really need to do if they want people to eat more apples is modify them to taste like apple pie.

Scientists say they have unraveled the secret to the perfect online dating profile. For one thing, don’t use a picture of yourself wearing a lab coat and saying you are a scientist.

A report says that teenagers who sleep too much should be tested for using marijuana. Or for possibly being a teenager.

Jackie Chan’s son has apologized after being released from jail in Beijing for marijuana. However, people are still waiting for Jackie Chan’s apology for his role in “The Tuxedo.”

Gary Busey struck a woman with his car in a parking lot in Malibu. Police say there was no evidence that alcohol or illegal substances were a factor, other than it involved Gary Busey.

Vivica A. Fox calls her ex-boyfriend 50 Cent “absolutely the love of my life.” She fell for him when he was a young buck, but things cooled off now that he is just a half buck.

Oakland Raiders lineman Donald Penn was able to subdue an intruder at his home. To which the fans are saying “Why can’t someone teach them to tackle like that during football season?”

A company in L.A. is making jewelry out of crashed Lamborghinis, Ferraris and Maseratis. Apparently all they do is phone Lindsay Lohan’s house and say the paparazzi are down the street looking for some celebrities to shoot and the rest just happens.

NASA is warning of the risk of megadroughts in the west that could last for decades. Angelenos say that’s nothing while still waiting for the Dodgers to end their World Series dry spell that goes back to 1988.

NASA is warning of the risk of megadroughts in the west that could last for decades. Or as the people in Arizona call that, “Arizona.”

A new dating site called Trekdating was created for fans of “Star Trek.” Which will be a real test for the site since “Trekdating” is pretty much the very definition of an oxymoron.

A new dating site called Trekdating was created for fans of “Star Trek.” It even has an app that lets users scout out the best restaurants that have table seatings for one.

A new dating site called Trekdating was created for fans of “Star Trek.” While the site was being designed it was going under the working name Wishfulthinking.com.

A research project is looking at ways to turn sheep into Internet hot spots in rural areas. Which is the problem for rural areas in that the men already consider the sheep hot spots.

Top cable lobbyist Michael Powell says that cable customer service is “completely unacceptable.” They needed to pay someone $2 Million a year to tell us that?

Top cable lobbyist Michael Powell says that cable customer service is “completely unacceptable.” Although maybe not quite as unacceptable as the former head of the FCC who used to regulate cable now making $2 Million a year to use his influence to try to deregulate them.

A report says that forest fires are threatening to spread Chernobyl’s fallout over Europe. The combination of burning timber and radioactivity have led to Kiev’s new fire safety mascot Smokey the Eight Legged, One Eyed Mutated Zombie Bear.

A German company has developed a product that reportedly uses ultrasonic waves to vibrate dirt out of clothes. It’s the first time sound waves have been used as a laundry product since Johnson & Johnson told everyone to “Shout it out!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a very happy Valentine’s Day. At least it was happy for the men who actually remembered to get flowers and cards for their wives. The rest will have to grovel and beg for forgiveness which will make everything better until they forget her birthday and their anniversary. But this is the one place where you don’t have to buy tokens of your affections. Just make sure every once in awhile to remember to send the love!