RoseAnn

RESIGN OR SURRENDER??

I guess I really should apologize fer not posting much fer sooooo long. I'm sorry fer sure & would have much preferrred to be able to post stuff to keep y'all up to date. Sorry! It's been one heck of a hard winter for me! I had kidney stones again in January & was sent home to pass them with the help of flomax & some pain meds. I had no problems with the pain meds that I got via IV while I was in the ER at U WI on Jan 9th. I did, however have a pretty severe reaction to the Rx that was for pain control at home. But what I didn't know was how completely whacked out my digestive system got esp as it pertains to the elimination part of it. It's only been like the 3rd week in Feb of the new year of 2014 that I've felt like things are getting back to normal-sorta!

Anyhow I've recently returned from a 10 day stay at my daughters to be the supervisor of the 2 older boys getting off & on the bus in safety. Alicia is a fulltime student & her sitter had to ask for time off while she took control of handling the stuff pertaining to the estate of her grandma who passed away not too long ago. Can we say- ya picked a fine time to leave me Lucille? She could NOT have picked a worse time to do this- as Alicia is in her midterm exams. I told Alicia that there is no way that I can handle all 3 boys given how that I've only recently felt somewhat like a human being. So she lightened my load of responsibilities by farming out Grayson. He is now 20 months old. She sent him to his other Grandma's home for most of last week. She- Karin- spent the week there earlier & just went home Feb 24th- Monday afternoon. Alicia got him on that Thursday- as she could not bear missing him so much.

I have been so physically whipped due to sleeplessness that was caused from pain that resulted from reactions to the drugs-that I'd stayed in bed most of the day- if not all of it- with the exception of using the throne room & finding something to eat. Mostly I made my diet consist of smoothies & probiotice drinks & fresh fruits & veggie salads. I ate very little meats & when I did- I incorporated them in my salads. However I was having digestive issues that would manifest themselves from almost before I finished eating a meal to about 2 hours later. I was having considerable tummy aches & discomfort from top to bottom. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.
Whilst I was very ill last month & this month-I missed a whole lot of times of fellowship, regular church services & even visiting my Momma. Like I said I was laid up & I do mean laid up! Exercising ofany form was OUT of the question & NO GO. Anyhow last week I had an "aha" moment whereby I felt like the Holy Spirit had showed me that there is a Huge difference between-"resign" & "surrender". Thing of it was that I have been so ill for so long that I just kinda quit & was even feeling a bit justified in doing so. Resignation meant that I QUIT! I couldn't keep going like I had been & I didn't want to & I was even getting to the point where I was too tired & discouraged to even care.

The Lord in His faithfulness & gentleness spoke to my heart & persuaded me that I needed to repent of "resigning" & instead that I needed to "surrender" to Him. I had thought that I did surrender to Him, but He showed me that I had resigned. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how they differ from each other & where it was that I permitted myself to cross that line. But it's funny even without understanding how or why I did cross that line, He was faithful to & continues to woo my heart even IF my body contradicts or rebels in physical manifestations- which are or I should say- have been somewhat of a surprise to me- almost daily for several months now-actually it's been 2 years ago since I've been at work (March 7, 2012). Symptoms of this ailment were occurring for more than 3 years before that.

I think some of what I learned about surrender is that I raise my hands with the heart agreement that I will do what HE tells me to do whether or not I feel like it. The resignation thingy is prolly more based on the feel like it aspect of I don't feel like it & therefore I'm not gonna do-fill in the blank. But I have to be honest with ya too- when you are in a state of non-stop pain that's Not controlled or can't be controlled by meds it is extremely hard to not come to a place of resigning. The sleep deprivation is a major contributor as well! The way I know that- is the Lord had that very message delivered to me via other remarks that other folks- who were in the midst of this kinda mess made in various times & places. I know HE has heard me & answered my cry because He gave me a download that allowed me to speak of OUR love on Valentine's Day. And that's the truth-so there ya have at least part of it!
The good news is that I'm just now starting to feel a lil bit stronger-although I still have probs pickig up a gallon of something & hauling a basket of clothes is still too heavy for me. I'm still waiting to hear from the judge who is sposed to make the call as to whether or not I qualify for benefits due to being disabled. I have gotten my voice back from time to time although most days its barely an audible whisper. I'm still trying to work on my BOP's although the pain & discomfort has been a major distraction from that. I feel like I'm sleeping a lil better than before but Im still very tired throughout the day & am still unable to nap during daylight. Probiotics- as in Kefir- seems to be an efficient calmative for my tummy most days & I'm creating my own recipes of smoothies for most meal substitutes.

I was sposed to host my Momma & Sis Linda & my onliest Brother Larry here till Monday March 10th-But the plans had to be changed as I was needed an extra day at Alicia's. So Momma & my Sibs stayed with my cousin in Madison & they've been there since the 5th. I'm glad they did cause I'm recovering from another sinus infection that got stirred up due to some moldy onions that I got exposed to just 2 days before I was to be on my way home. I had a killer of a headache for a day & a half from it! My brother Benji had kidney surgery on the 6th. He's got too many stones to blast with sonic booms & has had kidney infections that he had no indication he had. Benji is gonna have a repeat of that surgery tomorrow the 10th & we don't know fer sure how long before he gets released to go home. His worst pain was due to gas & bloating-cause they pumped his tummy full of air in prep of surgery. He was given Tums & Zantac & finally found some relief from taking Maalox.
Today Sun March 9, my youngest sister Mary & her hubby popped in the hospital to visit him & Momma & Sis Linda. Mary performed some reflexology on the bottom of Benji's feet & he was able to release a whole lot of burp. So he's feeling even better than before. Last night he went for a walk down the hallway with Momma & he was able to eat real food. The Docs applied a huge bandage to his back cause they're gonna go thru the same excision tomorrow starting around 11 am. Maybe this procedure won't take so long as last Thurs. He will be put under again so remember Larry before the Lord & we'll all be grateful.

Yer not gonna believe this! I had it confirmed about my suspicions regarding Sophie. The clutch is most definitely whacky in her aka slipping! Arrrrrghhh. What the heck is it about me & cars? I wish I knew! That's it fer now..
I'll post a lil more a lil later-hopefully there won't be such a great gap between now & then!!!
Blessings to All! Hugs & slugs
RoseAnn