Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I haven't blogged in quite some time. There are many reasons. Mostly just excuses and a lot of guilt. You know, when you don't get something done and then time passes and then you feel really guilty because it has been so long that you just keep putting it off. That is a lot of it. But the other day, I realized it was more. I haven't wanted to blog because I know what I must blog about to finally get through this. But it is hard.

I lost my dear sister Suzie. We have known it was coming for a while. But the effects of diabetes and battling this disease that has afflicted her for so long became more than what her will to live could overcome. A while ago, I remember her asking me if she had a right to ask for a miracle again. She has had plenty of those. I didn't have an answer for her. Do any of us have a right to plead for miracles, especially when we have already had many? She knew there were others who were probably in greater need. Over the last year, as her quality of life went down hill, I admit that I got to the point where I felt ready for her release. She wasn't totally my sister anymore. Then I felt like maybe there was more for us to learn as we watched her go through infections, amputation, strokes, blood clots, dialysis, and congestive heart failure. I was with her and other family members as she passed from this life to the next. There is such peace in the Plan of Salvation. If you don't know what that means, please find someone who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints and ask them to explain it. Because of this Plan of Happiness, we were able to laugh and cry together as a family. I have had distinct impressions that she is busy talking and counseling with others who struggle and helping them to understand this great plan themselves. She is busy. She is free from pain. The limitations of her physical body are now gone. We miss her. I miss her. I still cry for her. That is why I could not blog for so long. As I watched different family members say goodbye, I put myself in their place. My heart aches for her children, her husband, her sisters, her father. But I know my mom was there and helps her. They are together. I will see them again. We will all be together again. Family get togethers will be difficult for a while. But I remember being told when my mother passed, you just keep going. It took a long time before I accepted that, but I now know it is truth. You just keep going and growing.

I know this is rambling, but is more for me than for anyone else. I don't know how to close, so I will just say: I love you Suzie.