Now, HTG (honest to God), I totally didn’t even mean to double post on the Lohan family. But I did find this story quite amusing and shall continue on: in a word, one crazy bitch dissed another crazy bitch, which is ironic because they’re both crazy bitches. Don’t follow? Well, rumer (willis) has it, Dina Lohan was scheduled to appear on The View to “talk about her daughter” aka promote her own insane interview in Harper’s Bazaar. However, after Rosie O’Donnell read some excerpts from the interview and shockingly gave her negative opinion on DiLo’s mothering ways, the producers decided to cancel Dina’s appearance.

Now, Rosie OD lashing out at another “celeb” isn’t so much news as it is just another Tuesday night in Sunnydale (Buffy reference, zing!) but, for once, I’m with Rosie. Because I’m pretty sure the last thing you should be doing with your daughter who’s been on the road to rehab since Mean Girls is oh, right, DRINKING WITH HER. And going out with her. And trying to look like her because you’re FORTY-FOUR. Not to say that older women can’t look young and/or pretty but seriously, as a girl who has a mother as well, I know that ain’t right.

My outings with Rayray include lunch on Columbus with a side of going to the movies, not drinks at Bungalow with a side of drugs. Although that could be more due to the fact that I just spent an entire night watching Battlestar Galactica instead of “going out”…with Stephen, so it’s not quite as sad/alone but I don’t think that helped my cause. I’m not even sure what my cause is anymore but at this point I think it’d be “leaving my house.” Which I’m going to do right….NOW!

DISCLAIMER: As mentioned above, I didn’t even mean to do a double Lohan post and after writing this, realized that there may or may not be another one coming later…sorry, BBs, but this is what happens when no one in Hollywood goes to rehab, shaves their head, or puts gerbils up their butt i.e. it’s been a really slow news week so throw us a frickin’ bone here.

So after a week of semi-questionable decisions and unquestionable isolation from world news (read: celeb news), I think it only fitting to make my first post-Cabo post about…Lindsay, doi. Well, not so much about Linds as Michael Lohan, the guy who helped spawn the woman we like to call “LaLiLohandar” (or just LiLo). MiLo (get it?!) was released from jail earlier this week and shockingly has gone public about everything in his life ever since the beginning of time.

Seriously, he just got out of jail and the first thing we find out is that he’s got a few reality shows he wants to pitch. Normally, I could give a rat’s ass about any of this but when one of said shows includes putting MiLo, LiLo, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and their dads onto a DESERTED ISLAND where there’s nothing to do but bone each other and partake in extremely awkward and incestuous orgies, I have to put my foot down. Espesh considering Michael’s track record of being completely obsessed with his daughter. And fine, I’m not really one to judge someone else for blindly supporting Linds but then again, I wasn’t exactly involved in the sexual intercourse that led to her birth. In fact, I wasn’t even born then so really, when it comes down to it, my love for Lindsay and hot dogs is totally legit.

And I haven’t even gotten to the part where one of the other shows he wants to pitch would involve his giving money to prostitutes “just to talk to them and save them.” Because I’m sure what any prostitute really wants in life is to be “saved” by an alcoholic with rage issues instead of finding an actual alternative to, as my mother might say, “hookin.” Ugh, BWE (baby wanna eat).

Sidenote: I thought I should mention that while in jail, MiLo apparently bragged to other inmates about doing Lindsay’s stunt double! Needless to say, this really doesn’t help the whole “I’m-just-your-worried-dad” cause but does help the “Livvy-posting-about-MiLo-being-attracted-to-his-daughter” cause. So, kudos on that.

Haaaay guyyysss. So looks like we’re off to Mexico… to not be completely drunk at 10am for 6 days straight. And get really tan. And canoodle with really hot frat boys. Great. Wonderful. Anyways guys, rejoice! This is me and Livvy’s first trip together! Sigh-o, married life and it’s joys.

Well we’ll be back in about 6, and we promise to love you. Unconditionally. Unless you shave your head.

Asexual Asian: I wanna be black!Bootylicious BJ: I wanna be Neve Campbell!Lady Lagina: I wanna be the latina!Slutty Snadwich: I wanna be the man with the monkey!
–Overheard by four people having completely different conversations about race, The Craft and Captain Planet…mmmm sexy green mullet!

Greek Goddess: [while watching Battlestar Galactica and wondering why the boys don’t flock to her] You know what? It’s a sacrifice you have to make for humanity…I don’t understand!
–Overheard by Kimono Dragon

PA: Lindsay, we need you right away.Firecrotch Lohan: Oh my God, don’t talk to me like I’m some kind of normal person!

Okay so maybe that last one wasn’t “overheard in Providence” per se because we have yet to force Lindsay to be best friends with us and be really bitchy and make us go out and buy her N.E.R.D. CDs BUT this was obviously worth posting.

Let me set the record straight: a Christina Aguilera concert is not the place to go to feel good about yourself. Like, okay, fine, she can sing better than angels and I’m jealous of that but you know, she can’t help it, I can’t help it, whatever. But then she has to come out on stage pantsless for two hours and suddenly I find my self esteem down on the floor with the half-eaten plate of nachos that I keep staring at throughout the concert, dreaming of eating quesadillas and being smeared with butter by toned men on a beach in Mexico and…

But you know what? This isn’t about me. This is about X-Tina and her assless chaps. Now, I went to Justified/Stripped tour in 2003 and okay fine, maybe I wasn’t entirely “lucid” because I went to the concert immediately after getting off a plane from Greece, but I remember it well enough that I know I felt kind of annoyed at X-Tina throughout. Like please, sing a song all the way through. And no, male strippers are not appropriate on stage while you sing a song on domestic abuse.

But this is 2007 and we’re lookin at a new lady here. One who will sing the entire song, substituting only a just few oohs and aahs just to remind us of how inferior we truly are (I’ll take it any day) and one who will, inevitably, bring out the chaps. Almost all the songs tonight were from Back to Basics, which included “Hurt” aka the song I had to wean myself off of for the past month so I could get its full effect of the concert. And then there were some oldies and goodies, like “Dirrty” and “Beautiful” and OMGZZZ “Fighter” and then there were the why’d-you-go-and-change-this-ho “What a Girl Wants” and “Come On Over” (like they made you famous for a reason, X, and it wasn’t cause they were jazz standards).

In all, though, there’s not much wrong Christina really can do with her music. She could vomit on stage and it’d still sound heavenly. So kudos on that but seriously, the costume changes have got to go. Because as much as I enjoy having the show constantly interrupted, I don’t. Although, as a fellow woman who has a tendency to not wear pants, I did appresh the lack of pants and as a fellow owner of assless chaps, well, I think I made the point about ten minutes ago. So on a scale of 1-47, I’d say this was a 39, which is not too shabby, not too shabby. And you know, even if the concert had sucked P, it totally would have been worth it just to see Perez Hilton awkwardly dragged on stage and faux-whipped the way he was. Well played, Christina, well played.

Now please enjoy my totarry awesome pics (espesh the first one, go!) and be jealous of me and my life. Go ahead, I dare ya.

Heeeey Ya’ll, long time no post, eh? Livvy and I know we’ve been neglecting you a bit — and we deeply apologize. We have so-called “school” and “classes” and “midterms” and “the future” to worry about. I mean, it’s not like Livvy has a 4.0 to maintain and I have um, uhh… a not 4.0 to maintain or anything. I HATE LIFE.

Anyways, we thought it might be nice to catch everyone up on our fascinating personal lives. Because you care:

1. Livvy and I will be renewing our vows next week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

Others may know this occasion as “Spring Break”. But as a legitimately married couple, we do not plan on participating in any such debauchery and have instead opted to read the Bible to each other each day as the Sun meets the beautiful Mexican waters. Everyone is invited to witness this wondrous occasion. We hope our relationship can spark in each and everyone of your hearts what the World needs more of these days. Love. True Love. Or… um, let’s just be honest — Angst. Because we’re really just stuck with one another in a loveless marriage formed in the fact that we are very very very socially capable individuals and prefer meeting new people to watching Battlestar Galactica.

2. Within the next two weeks, IJUSTWANNALIVEMYLIFE.COM will launch.

We’ve really been meaning to get around to this, but aforementioned school is getting in the way. Expect awesome improvements, more weekly series (What’s Behind Sammy?, Overheard in Providizzle, Loves & Hates, new weekly W.A.N.K!), and the continuation of everything that you already love about me — or, er, the blog.

3. I Just Wanna Drrurnnkk My Drrrrunnkkk.

Yes, that’s right. Party. All the Time. My girl wants to. Wait, what? Huh? Whatever… what I mean to say is that sometime in the next month we will be hosting a party in honor of you — our reader, and the fact that will we have accumulated 5,000 hits. A Firmstrong** date is yet to be set, but we will be getting back to you. All readers are invited to not vomit on our carpet. Thank You and that is all.

Sincerely,
Stephen and Livvy

Halloween 2k6. No Asian babies were roofied in the taking of this photo.

Umm. What are you doing here?

In case you haven't heard, it's all about our new address now... We're all done here! No worries, it's the same ol' self-deprecating humor and sharp wit, just in a brand spankin' new layout.
Check it out at:
HTTP://IJUSTWANNALIVEMYLIFE.COM