From the Archives: President Announces National Mediocre Spelling Week

Washington – At a brief press conference on the White House lawn Wednesday afternoon, President Bush declared next week National Mediocre Spelling Week, which will highlight unusual or incorrect spelling and pronunciation among the nation’s youth. The week will officially begin on the Monday following Thanksgiving, and run until the following Monday. “I was thinking about turkey, and how I’ve always had a problem with it, and how it doesn’t spell like it sounds,” the President said, explaining his decision. “Like ‘haven.’ You know that word, ‘haven?’ That’s a killer, boy. But, yeah, so this type of spelling and pronunciation by these kids probably wouldn’t otherwise be recognized because it’s seen as, uh, it’s seen as wrong. I mean, it is wrong, but there’s a bias against it. People want–they just always want spelling and pronouncing of things to be right. And I like to think outside that, and say, ‘No, there are other possibilities. They’re wrong, but they’re there.'”

The president went on to say he could think of no better week than Thanksgiving week to have Americans “stop and give thanks for all kids, even ones who are challenged with, uh, with their vocabulary. See, now right there, I didn’t know what to say. I was going to say ‘vocabulously challenged,’ but I didn’t because I thought it was wrong. And that’s probably not a word, I don’t think. But am I any less of a person because of that? Because I didn’t know that? No. I’m not. I’m still the man I was before. And that’s pride. Do wrong. Get it wrong. It’s okay. You’re still great in my book. You’re better than great. You’re superfluous.”

National Mediocre Spelling Week will commence with a parade Monday afternoon, led by children who misspelled or mispronounced the words “the” and “as” more than three times on recent elementary school tests. Marjorie Rosam, the mother of such a child, said, “I think it’s great that kids like mine, like Emily, are being, you know, given a parade. Whatever you call it. Honored. I always told her that spelling was no big deal, and now she can see I was right. I’m very proud.”

Emily beamed when asked if she thought the parade would give her more confidence. “Yes. It will, ” she said. “I can even spell it. K-o-n-f-a-d-a-s-s-e. Konfadasse. And now I know that even if that’s wrong, it doesn’t matter. I still get a parade. And that gives me more konfadasse.”