Sunday, 12 January 2014

If you've got nothing nice to say. Smile and keep quiet.

When my first child was five weeks old I made it down to the local sure start centre. This was no mean feat as I had had an emergency c section and still couldn't drive, and also when you first have a new baby it makes you a little bit mental. Anyway. I digress.

So I went in, Erin was in a cute outfit picked out especially and I had by some miracle managed to put make up on and clothes that weren't pyjama based. Within ten minutes of being there Erin started screaming the place down so I got her a (gasp) bottle out. The lady next to me said. "Oh you're bottle feeding? You do know breast is best don't you?". I. Was. Crushed. I was a lonely new Mom and wanted some company. Someone to chat to. Not to be judged that I was a bad Mom within ten minutes due to my baby feeding habits. I never went back.

Erin with a shock horror dummy!

I know breast is best and I also know I should have stuck at it longer with both children but I don't need this to be pointed out. It appears that some (not all, I have group of amazing friends who are also mothers) women think that it is their duty to impart their words of wisdom on motherhood at every given opportunity.

They love talking in graphic detail about their horrific birth stories. The more blood and bigger the tear the better. They love to either brag their child slept through the night by day two or that their son was crawling by 6 months. Oh and God they love telling first time Moms how horrific labour is or how their lives will never be the same. Or the worst crime, telling mothers who are really struggling with being pregnant (i.e me) how they just "love it and have never ever felt better!" Grrrrrrrrr.

In the hospital with the boy. The calm before the storm.

Being a parent is bloody hard work. Being the parent of a tiny new person for the first time is even harder! Let's be honest labour hurts whichever way it comes out but let's just stop with the judging and start supporting. And being honest. We all struggle. You would be superhuman if you didn't. Don't put on a show. We've all been there, weeping in our pyjamas dreading the health visitors arriving, wondering if our hair looks as greasy as it feels.

To make new Moms or Dads feel a bit better here are some home truths about my experience of child rearing. All could count as failings on my behalf. Feel free to judge me. But in your head. Talk about me behind my back, but don't tell me. Thanks!

* I have had two c sections. I can't discuss the finer merits of pushing something out of my privates as I haven't a clue what it feels like.

* When both children were born I worried if placed on a line up I wouldn't have had a clue which was mine as they all kinda look the same.

* I bottle fed both babies and I feel guilty about it. I shouldn't. But I do.

* Both children had dummies (Erin stopped at three). They may look horrible but hell yeah they make my children happy.

* Ethan often ended up in our bed when he was little as he was dreadful sleeper (what would Gina Ford think???).

* Erin didn't crawl till past one or walk till 18 months.

* Sometimes I wore my pyjamas all week. And I still wear maternity leggings. Even though Ethan is one.

Dummy. Pyjamas. Baby asleep on me not in cot. Bad mommy.

So there are some of my dirty secrets. I'd like to think I'm a good Mom and we are all trying the best we can with what only can be described as the steepest learning curve in our lives. So if you see you friend's baby sucking on a bit of chocolate or you're tempted to tell the young girl at work pregnant with her first that you "tore from here to here". Take a breath and be nice. It's hard enough as it is and if we can't all support each other? Then who the hell will.....

25 comments

how very true, I can even take this one further and admit to the worst parenting fail of all, when my second born was 4 weeks old I had hold of a cushion that I was going to shut her up with, she just cried and cried and cried and cried ( you get the picture) for hrs and hrs and hrs. Phoned my GP and said take her away, take her home to the wife, phone social services and put her in foster care, just get rid of her......I was justified she was desperately ill and if I had not reached breaking point she would not be hear to tell the tale as the hospital told me she would have been dead within 6 hrs had I not got help that night ( and I am not totally bad I had had her seen by my GP and HV and they said there was nothing wrong I was paranoid.)

It makes me so cross! I'm not perfect and of course I think the odd thing about what other people do with their kids but I keep it to myself. The rude comments I got when I decided to go part time killed me. I now just ignore it all xxx

You are a great mom, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! The bottle-feeding incident is very sad, because everyone knows 'breast is best' but everyone makes the choice most suitable for them. I love the honesty of your writing! #PoCoLo

What a totally heartless thing to say to you about breast feeding. No one has the right to judge another, I tried and failed to breast feed, I was distraught about it, if anyone had said that to me at the time, I'd have been in pieces. You do what works for you and your family. We are all different, that's what makes us all interesting.

I used to get really upset when people commented on my parenting skills with my first. Now I couldn't give a sh1t! I have two healthy, happy children who have been bottle fed, had dummies and slept in our bed. As you were. It sounds like you are doing a great job! X

You are a brilliant Mum - and don't forget it!! I really wish people wouldn't judge without knowing the full facts. When will people get off the 'breast is best' bandwagon?! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

Great post! Such a shame that people can't support new mums and be honest with them about how hard it is, instead they pile a lot of judgement on and make you feel like the worst parent in the world. I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves!! #archiveday

It's easy to judge from the outside - but only you, who is living your life and knows it from the inside,knows what is best for your family…be strong and enjoy knowing that you're doing the best you can.Emma :-)

People are way too quick to judge, they have no idea what others have been through but still think they have the right to say what they think is best. My son's glove fell off recently and he started sucking his fingers which kept him happy and it wasn't even cold, and I got a comment from someone 'oh gosh his hands freezing to touch' and his hand wasn't freezing was just not warm to touch, but he's just like me and has cold hands and feet sometimes no matter what temperature the rest of him is. X

Oh my gosh. Do not get me started on mitten gate!!!!!!! I had a similar row with a family member. We have also had sock gate. Socks needed to be off to help with walking. Every time I left the room? Socks would be put back on again!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrr x