Patrick Goldstein and James Raineyon entertainment and media

'American Idol' gives Will Ferrell the bum's rush

May 21, 2009 | 1:11
pm

"American Idol" is crammed with all sorts of unintentional, kitschy humor--I mean, that is Paula Abdul's whole act, right?--so it's a little disappointing to learn that when the show had a chance to showcase a real comedy pro like Will Ferrell, it ran as fast as it could in the other direction. According to a wry Adam McKay blog post on Ferrell's "Funny or Die" humor site, "American Idol" producers approached Ferrell about doing a musical comedy number for the show's season finale.

Ferrell and McKay, who's Ferrell's principal collaborator, wrote a hilarious song, with music by Jon Brion, that apparently was good to go until the last moment when "Idol" producers suddenly got cold feet and nixed it. The whole bit, as McKay sketched it out, is on "Funny or Die," but here's an excerpt (with a tip of my Cubs cap to Vulture for spotting it first). According the script, Ryan Seacrest would introduce the song as having been written by Bob Dylan, Bernie Taupin and poet laureate Maya Angelou, with orchestration by John Williams. Ferrell, taking the stage in a billowy white shirt and white moccasins, would sing:

IMAGINE IF YOU WILL A DOLPHIN, WEARING A TINY COWBOY HAT

THEN THAT SAME DOLPHIN GIVES BIRTH, TO A SOLID DIAMOND BABY...

THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL SONG EVER, MAKES SUSAN BOYLE SEEM LIKE CHER

THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL SONG EVER, IT CAN MAKE AN EAGLE MAKE LOVE TO A BEAR

(Reveal a choir of literally a thousand people. We can use seat filling cardboard cut outs if need be. But it should be absolutely gigantic.)

THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL SONG EVER, PAULA, THIS AIN'T LIP SYNCING, IT'S REAL!!

THIS SONG IS BETTER THAN ALL CHRISTMAS CAROLS COMBINED, LIKE FINDING A NAKED LADY IN YOUR HAPPY MEAL!!!.....