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The Static Feeling

In a previous post, I talked about feeling “meh”, but I didn’t go into great detail about that feeling. When I get into this state of mind, I’m not in a bad mood, but I’m not feeling particularly in a good mood either. I can still have moments of happiness or anger, but my general state of mind is calm. As a very bubbly, hyper, and happy person who can’t every sit still, this state is out of character for me and everyone can tell something is off.

There’s a good and bad side to this state of mind. There’s the calm side that’s open. I don’t have a strong opinion either way, so I’ll go with whatever. What do you want to eat? Whatever. What do you want to watch on tv? Whatever. I’m not overly talkative and I’m pretty calm. I may seem tired due to my lethargic behavior. This is usually a good time for my husband to opt for things he likes that I am not typically in the mood for, because today is a whatever day.

On the other hand, I don’t like this static “meh” feeling because I feel lost. Do I sew? “Meh”. Do I draw? “Meh”. What do I do? I don’t know. It’s like I’ve lost my passion for the things that I love. I haven’t really, but I don’t seem to be in the mood for any of it. I seem to lose my ability to make good art if I’m not really interested in what I’m doing, so even if I tried, it wouldn’t be my best.

When I have conversations with people, I tend to be cold when I’m in this state. I barely reply and it’s clearly one sided. I feel awkward because I notice it but can’t get myself to care enough to fake it. I might care about the topic, but I don’t care to emote. Often times, it actually does feel like I’m drained of energy, which I’m not known to ever run out of energy. Even when I’m tried, I tend to be energetic. This is more of an emotional tiredness, or perhaps this is what fatigue is?

This week, I’ve been in this static feeling, including today. I focused on work this morning and then decided to take a break. I considered what I wanted to do but just ended up sitting here thinking “meh” about everything. I thought about just going back to work, but that was “meh” too. So, I thought I’d take a moment and write about this state of mind. My friend and I went to lunch, we talked, I smiled, we ate, and we came back. There was a moment of slightly less bored apathy, but I still feel static.

It also upsets my anxiety balance. When I’m this state, I am extra sensitive to anything I don’t want to deal with. It’s like I want to run away and not deal with the world. I don’t want to be bothered. Anything that gives me any anxiety, I want it to stop, whether it’s running away, quitting, or ignoring it (even if I shouldn’t). Let’s say there’s a stinky mess that needs to be cleaned up. It’s going to bother me, but I won’t feel up to dealing with it. I want to just hide in my room where I can’t see or smell it, but I am smart enough to know that I have to deal with it. I might hesitate, but my anxiety swells so fast that my OCD will NOT tolerate it. I can easily swing into a panic, so you best just stay out of my way while I drudge a war path to the litter box.

When I’m in this state and work is causing me stress, I have a very strong urge to quit… but I’m not doing that! I refuse to let my anxiety ruin or rule my life. The big difference is between my typical anxiety and this static feeling, is that I’m more prone to hiding and avoiding things. I get very introverted, but at the same time, I get discontent with it. I don’t want to do anything, but I do want to do something. It’s very ornery. Luckily, I am smart enough to recognized this state of mind and to be more mindful of it.

When anxiety isn’t rearing it’s head, I’m usually back to that calm, I’m fine with anything, static feeling. It’s like, if everything is good, I’m calm. If anything is causing anxiety, I’m withdrawn. I’m still feeling positive and negative emotions, but I feel disconnected. Is this exhaustion? Am I low on sugar? It is my period or hormones? Do I just need to get more rest? Do I need a vacation? Am I just bored? Is this just a normal mood and I’m over thinking it? Maybe.

This weekend, we are traveling to a St. Louis live action rpg with friends and I decided to take a couple of extra days off. Maybe after a long car ride of reading comic books, some social gaming, and then some extra rest at home, I’ll get back to my normal self. I’ve consider that this Static Feeling may be a byproduct of my menstrual cycle, but whatever.