This is how porn addiction feels.

Pushed down a hallway that I was never supposed to be in, pushed further away from life, happiness, fulfillment, reality, toward a place of dark twisted things, rotting dreams and fake smiles, tortured screams and wild inhuman laughter, echoing faintly.

There are rooms in this hallway, some I've been in, some not, but this is no hotel, once you enter, you stay, not because you're not allowed out, no, the front doors are open, of course, you can sometimes catch a glimpse of the outside street, maybe even see people walking past, real people, I think, I can't always tell, maybe today will be the day I walk outside.

But then the push comes again, stronger than ever, the curiosity of what's around the corner, the world can wait, there are rooms I never tried yet.

I can leave at any time. But I never do. There have been times, I've stood by the front door, unable to walk out, hidden in a shadow, wrapped in the silence of my shame, staring out at the world, the scary, real world. One day I'll go out, I promise myself.

In the hallway, hearing the shrieks of pain, the sobbing, the repetitive mumbling of those once sane. But the insides of the rooms look so beautiful.

I will leave, I promise myself. There's the world out there, a real world, where people are people, not things. A world in which there's love, two people respecting each other, giving to each other, where smiles can be found on faces without glazed eyes. A world where life has meaning, purpose, hope, growth.

This hallway threatens to choke me in its shadowy depths. Does this tunnel have a light at the end? Time will tell.