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So it is official. I suck.

Yesterday, I had like one of the best days ever. I had a great day, kinda productive- great tutorial ; saw some amazing movies including one that has made an amazing impression on me: Medium Cool.

I used to be into the whole idea of revolution and stuff; but in the recent 12 months it has somewhat gone on hold temporaily for reasons unknown. Maybe the institution of higher learning is slowly brainwashing me? Who knows? But the movies showed me what I was missing. And recently, the movie area of stuff has been – quiet frankly devestatingly bland in the recent months. So it was refreshing to see some great clips.

So why do I suck? Not another selfpitying blog post I hear you cry!? Well, it’s not so much self pity as it is actual truth. It’s a mixture of things, my mom has always told me, ” If you want it badly enough – do it/apply for it. Make sure you don’t live in regret of not having tried.” Which is great advice. But my friend kezwilla lives by another good philosophy which is, ” Don’t try and you can be foolish”

Which is true, but i always argue that not trying is foolish. Basically, I didn’t get into the MoMA, NY which I knew I wouldn’t once I found the statistics. Despite this fact; it just kinda reaffirmed everything I feel about my place in the artworld, and my work. I suck sooo bad. I’m a stupid kid who thinks that they might have a chance of really making it doing something I TRUELY LOVE doing. Art. But once again, i’m denied it. I mean, I actually hate big fuck off art institutions because it stands for everything art should not – capitalism, marketisation- middle class elitesm – treating art as something like statistical data and resturants and cafes on every floor making ita refreshing place to chill out – taking the attention off the artwork itself. But if I’m ever going to have a chance at getting myself out of shitty place/life [ The Donx life were £800 lasts a family of 3 for bills, food, rent and extras a month] You know I wanna live comfortably doing something I love, and its going to take something amazing on my Cv to get me noticed. You know cuz I have soul and passion – but maybe not the exact talent – or the right interests. and I’m working class so I dont have the cultural capital- I’ve had to learn everything basically from scratch for a B.A. Hons fine art course in a year and half. And I don’t have any connections. And I don’t have any sex appeal lol. So over all I’m screwed. I thought that maybe- just maybe – if I could do something amazing. I’d have a chance.

Nah.

On a positive note though- Contemporary Art As Dialogue group is onnn tour 2mozzle#1! WE ARE IN LONDON BAYBE can’t wait!