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6 Reasons We Shouldn’t Say ‘Gold Star Lesbian’ or ‘Platinum Gay’

If you’re part of the queer community, there’s a good chance that you’ve come across the terms “gold star lesbian” and “platinum gay.”

You might even proudly claim one of these terms as part of your queer identity. But have you thought about who you’re hurting by showing your pride this way?

In this video, Riley J. Dennis shares how a “gold star lesbian” or “platinum gay” is defined – along with some really good reasons to stop using these terms. Once you find out how these terms are harmful to the entire LGBTQIA+ community, you’ll know why it’s best to express your pride in your sexuality without putting down others this way.

With Love,
The Editors at Everyday Feminism

Click for the Transcript

If you’re a part of the queer community, you’ve probably heard the terms “gold star lesbian” and “platinum gay” thrown around. But if you’ve never heard of them before, here are some quick definitions:

A gold star lesbian is a gay woman who’s never had sex with a man; a gold star gay is a man who’s never had sex with a woman; and a platinum gay is a gay man who was born by C-section – the idea being that he never touched a vagina, not even at birth.

But all of these terms are really problematic and harmful to the entire queer community. Here are six reasons why.

1. They’re Harmful to Trans People

The main way that these terms hurt trans people is that they tend to be entirely based on genitals – platinum gay especially. There’s already a lot of prejudice within the gay community towards trans men because they’re men who generally have vaginas, and creating a ranking system that clearly values people who haven’t touched a vagina doesn’t go over well for someone who actually has a vagina.

It reinforces the awful misconception that trans men will never be “real men” – and it puts a stigma on any gay man who wants to date a trans man.

The same goes for gold star lesbian. While it’s generally used to mean a lesbian who hasn’t slept with a man, it’s often conflated with a lesbian who’s never touched a penis. And just like there are trans men with vaginas, there are trans women with penises.

Anti-trans terms like these have no place within the queer community.

2. They’re Harmful to Bisexual People

Gold star and platinum are clearly meant to give value – they’re meant to be good things. So a platinum gay is seen as “more gay” or somehow as a “better gay” because of his platinum status.

But bisexual people exist. And the fact that they might sleep with people of different genders doesn’t make them any less queer. One myth that bisexual people constantly have to confront is the idea that they’re only “half-gay,” but that’s just not true. Bisexual people feel same-gender attraction just as much as gay people do, and their bisexuality shouldn’t make them worth any less within the queer community.

3. They Harm Gay People Who Came Out Later In Life

Ranking people based on whom they’ve slept with is never a positive thing. Even if someone is a cisgender gay person, it’s very possible that they’ve had sex with someone of a different gender before. Lots of gay people go through that before coming out – for so many different reasons.

They might have been trying to convince themselves that they were straight. They might have really liked somebody and thought it could work. Their sexual orientation might’ve been more fluid before. Or any other number of reasons. It isn’t uncommon, and those people are no less gay because of those experiences – just like a straight person isn’t gay just because they kissed someone of the same gender once.

4. They Deny Gay People Room to Experiment with Their Sexuality

Sexuality isn’t as rigid as we like to pretend it is – regardless of your sexual orientation.

And by creating this category of “gold star” or “platinum” gays, you trap people into the idea that they can never ever hook up with someone of a different gender, or else they’ll lose their gold star or platinum status.

But sexuality is a fluid and ever-changing thing, and though you might only be attracted to one gender right now, it’s totally okay to experiment.

5. They Insult Rape Survivors

I’ve even heard these terms used to shame survivors of rape, because people would argue that you can’t be a “gold star lesbian” if you’d been raped by a man. And I honestly can’t think of anything more fucked up than that argument.

Because obviously, rape is not sex. But “gold star” and “platinum” rankings put so much emphasis on what your genitals have touched that many folks won’t consider you “gold star” or “platinum” if you’ve been raped by someone of a different gender.

And ranking someone lower – even just implicitly by using these terms – just because they’ve been raped is honestly sickening.

6. Your Source Of Pride Doesn’t Have to Harm Others

Some people will say that the terms “gold star” or “platinum” are a source of pride for them. They identify with these words, and they make them happy. And that’s great for them, but these aren’t words that exist in a vacuum.

“Gold star” and “platinum” are inherently divisive within the queer community because they create a hierarchy of queer people where some are “better gays” than others. I’m all for words that you can relate to and take pride in, but not if those words are harmful to others.

You can take pride in being a lesbian or in being gay, but “gold star” and “platinum” only serve to put down other people within the queer community, and that’s just unnecessary. To lift yourself up, you don’t have to tear others down.

And that’s why we shouldn’t be using the terms “gold star” or “platinum” anymore.

What do you think about these terms? How have you heard them used before? Be sure to let me know down in the comments.

And this video is a part of my “Feminism with Riley” series that I’m doing in collaboration with Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression. You can click on the card in the upper right corner of the screen to see more of these videos. And feel free to share this video if you have any gay friends that you think might need to hear this message.

Riley J. Dennis is a Contributing Vlogger for Everyday Feminism. She’s a polyamorous, atheist, gender non-binary trans woman with a passion for fiction writing, feminism, and technology. She got her BA from Whittier College in 2015 doing a self-designed major called Writing Worlds, a mixture of creative writing and anthropology, focused on realistic fictional world building. Find her on her YouTube channel, Twitter @RileyJayDennis, or her website RileyJayDennis.com.