Avast! How can ye haf National Pirate Day wit'out the piratical alphabet?

A (spoken by true Canadian pirates)
E (spoken by falling pirates)
I (spoken as an affirmative by pirates)
O (spoken by injured pirates)
R (universal response to a pirate who doesn't know what else to say)
X (the signature of most piratical crews)
Z (spoken by true Quebecois pirates)

Who be you callin' a land lubber, sez I...
For be you callin' me a land lubber, I sez, I'll have ye be standin' watch with the likes o' Davey Jones... (an' you not be wantin' to stand watch with a dog like him, for he be small, british, and very annoyin'...)

You be The Cap'n
Profile: Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will.
You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
Owner: "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German."
Shopper: "And what happens if I pull both the strings?"
Parrot: "I fall off my perch you fool!!!"