You have been warned.

Chapter 1:Theory...

After Hal Filer graduated from CalTech, he decided to
work on some theories. 'What a famous person I would be if I made a "Time
Theorem",' Hal thought to himself, 'Now, let's see, light is the basis of time
energy. If I could go faster than light, I could break
the time barrier! I'll get to work on this.'
Hal got to work to prove the time "theory" (or so
thought). He finally did it (to the amazement of hismelf) & thought, 'Now, if I
could only find out how to work the darned thing.'...

Chapter 2:Travel...

He finally figured it out; it had to be
potentiometer set & 'shined' at something far, far away.
Mars was a good answer, but setting the
potentiometer was another thing.
Also, sending an animal through time wouldn't be
good either; they couldn't tell him if it worked or not.
So, Hal decided to take himself into another time.
He set the potentiometer to a medium setting, aimed the dish antenna at Mars,
grabbed the electrodes, set the timer for 1 hour, & turned the power "on".
He then sped away into deep space toward Mars, not
knowing what he would encounter there....

Chapter 3:Very Strange Beings...

Hal ended up on Mars alright — but on a
beach! 'It must be 2,000,000 B.C.!', thought Hal, 'This
Mars is a water planet!'
Hal was looing around, when a weirdo-thing flew
over him. It had lithium wings & a propeller (just in case).
"What in the world are you?", I asked.
""*%_$#%&*-***¼@/;½0961,.:'(**)heert4$#al",
said the thing.
(TRANSLATION — welcome to the meeting of us).
"Huh?", I said.
(TRANSLATION —
&%'(%*(***))¼@?/¢½-6574""#$#).
(Gee, did I say that?)
He took me to a small cave, where he gave me a small pill.
""$#%"
(TRANSLATION — it's totally safe — go
ahead — eat it!)
"Huh"
(TRANSLATION — (you've already heard it!))
I supposed it was o.k., so I took it. It tasted
fine, but then (30 min. later), I had the biggest, meanest stomach ache this
side of Mars' Olympus....

Chapter 4:Return & Destruction

I went to a time-space telemetrizer, set the
potentiometer to its maximum setting, grabbed the electrodes, & waited for the
timer to end. It brought him back in 30 seconds.
As soon as he took his plop-plop-fizz-fizz, the
time machine blew up. Hal Filer would never travel through time again.

DU EWND!!!!!

Author's notes from 2013:

The word "Theorem" typed in the first paragraph originally read "Theory",
but during the writing I came under the mistaken impression that a "Theorem"
was something that was proven while a "Theory" wasn't. (In reality, theorems
only exist in mathematics and logic, while theories — as the term is best
understood — only exist in the sciences. Gravity, for example, is "just
a theory.")

Behold the return of my dreaded Pronoun Trouble™ in chapter 3.

for you young whippersnappers who don't recognize it, "plop-plop-fizz-fizz"
was from the old jingle for Alka-Seltzer. You plopped two of them in water, and
they fizzed, you see.