Finita, la commedia

As the saying goes, “by the time you read this I’ll be dead.” Caitlin has probably posted it by my request, or it’s been posted as part of a dead-man switch. I have known this was coming for years, at times even hoped for it, and most of that time I haven’t ever been afraid of it, although as it’s grown closer I’ve felt equal parts dread and relief, with a little bit of panic mixxed in. I wish I could have lived much, much longer as there is still so much I want to do and see and be a part of, although in the time I had I could not have asked for a more wonderful life. I’ve had the opportunity to do remarkable things, see my dreams made real and changed the world and the lives of many for the better, loved and been loved, and have an amazing daughter who I hope will have her own wonderful life. My biggest sadness is not being able to be a part of more of it, and I have spent many days in tears trying to figure out a way to squeeze more meaningful time out of this life. There’s just so much more I want to do — and I think everyone knows I’ve done a lot. But not enough. If I knew my live was going to be this short, I would have pushed harder, not frittered so much of it away. I wish I’d seized every single opportunity, not just “many of them”, thinking “I can do that next year.” I’ve always thought that for me the “undiscovered country” was in the Star Trek sense of the word — that is, the glorious future — but instead I’ve gotten stuck with Hamlet’s “undiscovered country”, or death: “But that the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of?”

The last three or four years have been a daily struggle, beginning with a multi-layered pain made up of a never-ending, never-lulling dull throbbing from the core of my muscles beginning in my legs and eventually spreading out over my entire body, coupled with a constant burning sensation in my skin that made it impossible for me to feel anyone’s touch without it being a bitter agony. I held out hope that a treatment for the pain if not a cure could be found, but every difficult diagnostic step only confirmed the degenerative condition replacing healthy tissue with junk calcium was incurable, and every new attempt to treat the pain only emphasized that it was inescapable. Not only that, but every day it grew. As impossibly painful every day of this process has been, it has been made more difficult by knowing that the next day will always be worse, and every day that goes by I have less defences against a more powerful foe. There was a time that I believed that I could cope with the unending pain, but then the pain’s root began catching up to me as less and less healthy muscle tissue remained. Every day I could walk a little less. Carry a little less. Use my hands a little less. Bit by bit it chipped away at me. As I write this even standing up is indescribably painful, even sitting up, and the idea of walking nightmarish, although I have done my best to hide it and keep it buried. In addition to the muscles breaking down, neurological and autonomic problems have been creeping up, either because of the condition itself or because of the treatment. I’ve certainly said this before, but I don’t feel like I have the strength to keep trying less and less likely options. My mind is the only thing I have left. This has actually been written over several months as I try and assemble it in small pieces while I have enough lucidity to do so. The remainders of my days feel emptier and intellectually lonelier — I can’t begin to describe the horror of going from a voracious reader and consumer of knowledge to someone who looks at a page full of words and sees only a hash of lines and shapes, devoid of real meaning. In any case, I’m done. I’m tired out. I don’t want to do this any more. I have had a very good life, but it’s not good any more.

I do admit that the closest I come to any sense of “life after death” is my nagging suspicion that we’re living in a simulation… I don’t know that I buy the statistical argument (since there is only one “real” reality, and a huge number of simulations, we are almost certainly in a simulation), because it makes so many big assumptions, but there are other convincing hints — the quantized nature of reality, so of the weirdness at the edges of perception, and so on, to say nothing of how “special” life feels. If such a thing is true, I don’t know if perception continues outside of the simulation. I doubt it to be honest. But thinking about such things makes me value both the unreality of existence, the interconnectedness of consciousness, how temporary existence is, and also how permanent and real it is, if that makes any sense… I do hope there’s “more”, but I have accepted the likelihood that there isn’t, and find comfort in both. And really, if it’s a simulation, I have no idea of you just blip out of existence and get your data set analyzed, or if there’s some eternal being that actually experiences your life post-life, as if waking from a dream or playing a game, or if we reboot in some technological reincarnation. We’re all the centre of our universe. That is, right now I feel I could be the only sentience in world filled NPCs. But if you’re reading this, and I’m gone, well, then I guess I was the NPC and you’re the only true consciousness, haha. Naw, I don’t really think any of think on any serious level but I do enjoy thinking about it. And to be clear, as a “no doubts” atheist, I am quite firmly rooted in reality the majority of the time.

I have mixed feelings about the medical treatment that I’ve received. From everything I have seen and understand, I don’t believe that anything could have been done to fundamentally “cure” me (although I suspect that cures for these sorts of genetic conditions will come in a decade or two — I wish I could have made it that long). This condition is what it is, and it was probably fated for me the day I was born. On the positive side, I was given genetic gifts that made me uniquely qualified to achieve the things I did (and again — I wish I had done more), so I really can’t justly complain that I got some bad with the good. But I do believe that there were fundamental shortcomings in the way both my condition and my pain was treated, and that the last few years could have been much more pleasant if the pain had been more aggressively managed. I believe this was in part because of the prejudice of multiple doctors due to my appearance causing them to stereotype me as drug seeking (and the simple reality is that it can be hard to tell, and we are so cruel as to prefer to “punish” the sick than to “reward” the mentally ill). I wish there was some way to make those doctors understand the cruelty they enacted. A patient should have the right to a pain free life, even if that comes with some risk. I understand that doctors are pressured due to our “war on drugs” mentality, but I don’t think all the blame should go on the politicians. In some ways it’s pointless to second guess any of that now because what’s done is done, but the other side of that coin is that countless others in Canada and abroad are going through this right now even if I’ve escaped it. As to the shortcomings in treating my core disease — I’d say that I’ve had virtually no treatment, and unfortunately that is true for almost every sufferer of rare genetic myopathies around the world. Support groups online are horriffic. So I don’t think this is a problem with Canada per se, just that when it comes to genetic diseases, I’m just a little too early in history still. I have also felt very alone when it comes to end-of-life counselling. For a lot of this process I have felt very alone — really, I think the only person who’s really been able to understand it is Caitlin because she’s the only person that’s seen it all first hand and in private with guards down. The last medical thing I want to mention is that I want to strongly advocate for “right to die” legislation. Canada currently has no such thing. It is my strong believe that if I had known that there was a “safe”, pain-free way for me to go at a time of my choosing, hopefully at home surrouded by love, it would have brought me not just enormous peace, but I believe would have given me strength to fight this even longer than I have. As Isaac Asimov said, “No decent human being would allow an animal to suffer without putting it out of its misery. It is only to human beings that human beings are so cruel as to allow them to live on in pain, in hopelessness, in living death, without moving a muscle to help them.” And this is how I have felt for a long time now, trapped in this nightmarish prison of pain. Losing my motor skills hasn’t been fun either, but the pain is the worst part. After writing that I can’t help but think of Keats. I really do hope people will one day have as much right to control their deaths as to control their lives — it is in many ways, the fundamental human right, even more fundamental than thought and self-expression.

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call’d him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain–
To thy high requiem become a sod.

It’s hard not to quote the whole thing — take the time to read it if you don’t know it — and while these days I’ve been feeling more like the author of the poem, at times when I am able to get my head over water, I wonder if there is a part of me that is more nightingale’s song than sod… Was it a vision, or a waking dream? Fled is that music: —-do I wake or sleep?

As I mentioned, as an atheist, I am thoroughly convinced that this is the literal end of my adventures, and again, I do find some comfort in that, knowing that my suffering is over. But I was also raised on stories, and I believe that real immortality comes from the stories that are told about you and your life and the way your deeds live on in the lives of others. I have some worries about the process of dying (that it will hurt, or that it will “go wrong” in some way), but I have no fear of death itself in part because I know that the life I chose allowed me to have a special role in changing the course of human civilization — as egotistical or even petty as that may sound, especially if you’re in the group of people that sees body modification as “just another fashion”. Perhaps it’s petty or vain to give body modification such significance, but there’s never been a point in human history where individuals have had this level of self-expressive control over their morphology and physical decorations. The work that I was a part of enriched changed the lives of millions of people for the better (and yes, a few for the worse, but I have no doubt it was a dramatic net positive), and probably even saved the lives of thousands. A friend told me once that my role was that of a “catalyst” — that I started fires inside people that helped them to change themselves (or become themselves) in positive way. I feel so lucky to have found myself in that position, and I want to offer my heartfelt thanks for everyone who made that possible. And I’d like to think that even though I was a big puzzle piece in body modification, that I was a smaller but still important puzzle piece in a larger movement of people from all sorts of diffierent subcultures fighting for mutual support in a diverse patheon of self-expression and dream chasing. I soemtimes regret that I never finished my memoir. I suppose if there’s interest in it in the future, Caitlin has all my notes for it, all my blogs, all my personal photos and videos, to say nothing of the many people who could contribute stories, so if there’s a place for it, I’m sure it will happen. If not, well, let me smile thinking that there is and let that illusion return to dust as I do.

In any case, on body modification, I hope that others will continue this mission. For a while I thought that BME was no longer needed, that its core mission had been achieved. But when I started blogging on the subject again last year, it became clear to me that while there were many, many sites and people posting body modification media, there are very few people providing the mix of community support, political activism, and hard information that BME always strove for. I think that BME can still provide that, but it’s not going to happen without a lot of good people stepping up to help, because it’s clearly having trouble keeping its head over water for a broad range of reasons. For a long time the body modification community, while deeply isolated from the mainstream in a way that may be hard for younger people today to really relate to, had a wonderful sense of solidarity — a sense that we’re all in this together, a sense of all supporting each other’s personal paths, from the subtle to the extreme — but now it feels like there’s infighting and intra-community prejudice. We once all worked together to better ourselves and share our experiences — for example the creation of BME’s various knowledge-bases (birthed from the earlier Usenet FAQs) that brought the world level-headed accurate information on modifications and their risks, as well as the thousands of detailed “experiences” that people wrote — whereas now it seems like the majority of modification media is just about posting pictures, devoid of any real stories or information, reducing them to visual pornography for people to “cheer and jeer” at. All of these changes have slowly eaten away at the character of the body modification community and changed it in subtle and unpleasant ways. I do think this is a fixable problem though, and I have talked to many, many wonderful people (both artists and enthusiasts) who have a strong passion for body modification that I am sure could be part of a restoration effort. I truly hope they will fight to keep changing the world for the better. I still believe that BME is the best place to use as a home for this due to the invaluable content it contains and the inertia it has (and I hope Rachel will accept the help that is offered), but this change has to be bigger than BME as well. I hope that everyone will use their voice for good — if you see something interesting, try and post it along with information about it (or even do a five-question interview), speak out against prejudice and support people’s self-expression, even if it’s not something you would ever want to do or can even relate to, and support the best parts of the industry. Sometimes people give me credit for the things BME achieved, but the reality is that whatever role as a guide or catalyst I played is nothing in comparison to the community as a whole — the little contributions we each made added up into something colossally beautiful. That needs to keep happening. I could go on and on, but I’ve accepted that the time has come for me to rest. I am so proud of everything we have achieved together and I want to see it go on forever. I believe in the good in this community and the importance of our contribution to the human spirit. It would be a very sad thing for this mission to grind to a halt.

My only real regrets lie with not being able to spend more time with those who stay on… My pain is over now, I hope that those who remain can find some solace in knowing that I’m not suffering any more. I wish I could have given them more and especially when it comes to Caitlin and my daughter I feel like they’ve both given me so much more than I could ever return. Caitlin suffered through my immature years, and when things finally started falling into place for us, it all got taken away so cruelly, and she has suffered alongside me though all of this. I owe her more than I could ever explain here and love her so much. And my daughter is probably singlehandedly responsible for turning me into a mature person, and is the reason I’ve held on for as long as I have. No one have I loved more. I would have given up years ago if it weren’t for hoping to spend more time with her. That brings me to one last thing that may be in bad taste. I’ve dedicated my life to helping build and protect the world of body modification and self-expression in general. Even though I was only a small part of the community that ultimately deserves the majority credit, I’d like to believe that I’ve contributed in a unique way, and personally touched many lives for the better, and that the world would be a quite different place were it not for the specific flavor of the efforts I was catalytic in. Of course I have made many mistakes and at times missed my ideals due to my own shortcomings, but in general I’ve tried to help create a world where everyone could express themselves as felt right, and be the person that they imagined themselves to be. To push for people to make their dreams and passions come true, to find new paths to joy and fulfilment, to define a better sense of self and a sense of ones place in the cosmos, bound by awareness and intellectual honesty, caution while exploring the reckless, and mutual respect. I’ve tried to encourage people to uplift each other and be good to each other, especially when it comes to self-expression, and I hope I’ve made meaningful contributions to the so-called human condition. If I have touched your life in some positive way, and you feel you want to give something back to me personally, I am hoping that there are some among you who would be willing to contribute to a trust fund to support my daughter. The person I trust to manage this is Caitlin, who you can reach by email or PayPal at caitlinjane@gmail.com

Finally, a few people have contacted me in the past asking for ashes for creamation art and body modification projects (ink rubbings, implants, and so on). Of course I’m not offended if everyone changes their mind, but I have to admit that I love the idea of living on in the artform (and community) that I’ve loved so much in such a way. Again, the right way to do that would be to contact Caitlin (I just mentioned her email), and ask her to send you some — just be willing to contribute to a share of the costs of cremation of course.

Thank you to everyone who made my life wonderful. I love you all. I wish there had been more of it, and I wish I had more to give. I’m sorry there is so much unfinished, so much left to do, but I am glad to know many wonderful people who will complete it. Last minute reflections and bits of advice… seize every opportunity that’s in front of you and live life to the fullest. Even with everything I’ve done, there is so much more I wish I’d squeezed in. Don’t let a single day (well, maybe a single day) be idle. Have every adventure you can, and explore every street — although treat the one-way streets with caution. Don’t fritter you life away into television, random browsing, and pointless substance abuse (I have at times been guilty of all of these) — although remember there are valid uses for them, both for growth and entertainment. Have passion about the future, and in the present. Especially if you’re young, push your education and your skills to their limits on every level. Don’t just graduate highschool, get a degree, get a doctorate if you can. I know these things aren’t for everyone, they they are for most, and they also open doors to some of the most special adventures. Even if you can’t afford proper schooling there are many, many ways to learn, free courses to volunteering, and so on. Value your health, and the health of our planet, and strive beyond its borders. We have such a glorious future, but never forget that your part in that future could end at any moment, so live a life that you can be pround of. And of course love and treat each other well.

As much as these last years have been the most difficult I can imagine, and there are still many deeds to be done, please know that I have had a wonderful adventure and enjoyed it immensely on the whole.

Live Long and Prosper!

Love always,

Shannon Larratt

* * *

When Time, or soon or late, shall bring
The dreamless sleep that lulls the dead,
Oblivion! may thy languid wing
Wave gently o’er my dying bed!

No band of friends or heirs be there,
To weep, or wish, the coming blow:
No maiden, with dishevelled hair,
To feel, or feign, decorous woe.

But silent let me sink to earth,
With no officious mourners near:
I would not mar one hour of mirth,
Nor startle friendship with a tear.

Yet Love, if Love in such an hour
Could nobly check its useless sighs,
Might then exert its latest power
In her who lives, and him who dies.

‘T were sweet, my Psyche! to the last
Thy features still serene to see:
Forgetful of its struggles past,
E’en Pain itself should smile on thee.

But vain the wish — for Beauty still
Will shrink, as shrinks the ebbing breath;
And women’s tears, produced at will,
Deceive in life, unman in death.

Then lonely be my latest hour,
Without regret, without a groan?
For thousands Death hath ceas’d to lower,
And pain been transient or unknown.

“Ay, but to die, and go,” alas!
Where all have gone, and all must go!
To be the nothing that I was
Ere born to life and living woe!

I want to thank you for everything you shared. I learned a lot from you over the last six years and i wish you would have made it so much longer to get to see some of the things you dreamed of. Although we didn’t know I will miss you.

Safe and peaceful travels. I am so happy you are free of pain but am saddened for your two loves who will so greatly grieve you. You have left such a strong and wonderful mark that your presence even after death will provide them peace and comfort.

Shannon’s contribution to our community has been a stepping some for so many of us. Without the education and inspiration, I don’t know where I’d be. Because of BME and IAM, I’ve made so many amazing friends, gone to so many amazing events, learned so much and had many great adventures.

When I was in high school, I felt out of place and didn’t have many people who were interested in the same things as me. IAM gave me a safe haven to talk openly about whatever I wanted and as a result I made friends all over the world. In fact there see some people I never met buy I still consider close friends.

Without BME I wouldn’t have made it out of my teens. I also wouldn’t have been educated on health, safety, and quality, so who knows what I’d look like.

I’ve had many chances to talk to Shannon online both friendly chatter or seeking advice. He was an awesome, friendly, open, caring and patient man during those talks.

My light and love go out to Ari and Caitlin. I hope their hearts heal and their good memories stay vivid.

Many thanks to you, Caitlin, or whoever posted that back. It’s a beautiful text, really, which deserves to be read by many.

Best of luck to all of you close ones who have been struck by that dramatic event directly and are dealing with it now.

For what it’s worth, I hope you can feel the amount of respect, consideration and solidarity flowing in, and that it warms you up slightly.

I hope you find the strenght to make Shannon’s last wishes real eventually, and at the right time, let the willing people in to make BME or wherever a striving bodymod community fueling Shannon’s legacy.

Like many, I do find comfort in knowing he’s not suffering no more, and that he’ll forever be part of who I am, and who most of us are or possibly will be.

Just like so many others in the mod community, Shannon gave me the insights, information, and the inspiration to take my self-expression to the next level. Before BME, I was just a kid who had a closet facination of all things body-mod. Once I got onto IAM I found the courage to change my physical body in a permanent way that more clearly expressed the inner me.

The work that Shannon did with BME changed the course of my life forever. I met my first love through IAM, hosted a handful of wonderful IAM bbq’s, met a ton of great people – many of whom I still consider good friends. Even after BME he continued to inspire me and reminded me to keep pushing for more from life. His struggle with pain was close to home because my Mother suffers from severe pain on a daily basis but his strength helped me remember that a life with pain can still be enjoyed and have much meaning. I’ll miss the inspiration he gave, but mostly I am deeply sorry for the loss his family is feeling. Rest in peace, Shannon. You were one of the good ones.

Thank you for everything. My life would surely not be the same without your impact and inspiration over the past 15+ years. My thoughts are with your family, immediate and extended. Forever in our hearts, legends never die.

Many thanks Shannon for being a constant source of motivation and inspiration. I look up to you in the parenting department and I know I will be rereading the archives of your blog when I become a parent.

Our Lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness we birth our future. Sleep well my dearest friend, perhaps we shall find each other again.

Shannon changed my life. Just reading this has changed my life again, reset my mind, allowed for a moment of clarity. I think I’m going to get on with it, really get on with it, from this point onwards. I will miss him dearly. Love to his whanau/family. E te mate: Nga mihi aroha ki a koe. Moe mai ra, e hoa. Moe mai ra.

Shannon you are the reason my life took the path it did. You created a place where it was ok to be who you are. Though we only talked a few times you enriched my life as well as others and your passing is a loss for the world and our community will never be the same with out you.

Ruhe in Frieden, Shannon.
You will be missed, the world was a better place with you in it. From back in 2001, your writing has been a stable influence in my life, I’ll miss your insight, wisdom and humour. Your bravery was extraordinary. Thank you, THANK YOU!

Caitlin, if you read this, thank you for posting this. I wish you courage, strength and hope.

Thank you for everything you did, Shannon. I would be a different person had it not been for the BME world. Because of the social and educational outlets you created, my life, modification journey, and personal relationships have blossomed beautifully to their full potential- something that would have most likely not have happened otherwise. My gratitude will runs deep, and will last as long as I do.

Death has been hard for me to deal with lately… I know you can’t read this, but I just wanted you to know that you are responsible for a large part of who I am today as a human. You helped me (and thousands of others, I’m assuming) find myself when we had nowhere else to turn. I’ll always remember you and the contributions you had on my society.

And thanks to whomever re-posted Shannon’s last words after they were taken down yesterday. The world needs more visionaries like he was, and everyone should know about him and read his final parting words. Truly moving….

I knew Shannon. Our kids were in the same class at school. I won’t forget a wonderful kids birthday party at the Humber Arboretum. I last saw him this summer at Shakespeare in High Park…much love to Ari & Caitlin.

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the other room. Everything remains as it was. Henry Scott Holland 1910

I remember submitting my first piercings and tattoos to BME and how exciting it was that there were other people just like me out there…even being Jewish when things like that are frowned upon it made me so happy to not be alone. I still have a copy of my iAM blog…this is so sad because we grew up on that site and community. He made it okay to be us :( I am sending my love to his family and thank you Shannon for absolutely everything. <3

While BME as well as IAM was a big part (and influence) of my life back then, you also inspired me postBME. Your activism, your long posts about things that truly matters and of course, your art.
Thank you.

I have been typing and re-typing, as it feels that I can not describe how much this loss affects me.
BME, and therefore Shannon, have changed my life.
I’ve chatted with Shannon several times, and those conversations will always stay with me.

Reading his last post gives me strength, his ideas and courage are never to be forgotten.
Shannon, I really hope you are in a beautiful place now, without pain. Thank you for doing what you did, thank you for being who you were.

There’s nothing I can say that everyone else hasn’t already said. Shannon influenced so many people. He saved so many people. I know my life forever changed after stumbling on BME. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for Shannon. For that I cannot thank you enough. Because of you I had the pleasure of meeting so many people I now consider family. And IAM saved my life. Just having a place to be me without judgement was a life saver many times. Again…I cannot thank you enough for what you did for me & so many others. I am so sorry your life was cut short & it ended with so much pain…you will be missed.

RIP Shannon Larratt </3, I'm reading each and every comment on facebook and blog, brother you were the true Zen master, your thoughts & words influenced me so much, i came in contact with BME / modblog in 2004, Found out the meaning of freedom and self expression. Your legacy will go on forever, See you on the otherside

How time eludes us – a century would not have been long enough. You have been leaving by degrees for some time now…but this last evolution is wrenching. At least it seems that way from this side, so I deeply hope it was the smoothest glide from your side.

Somewhere in the back of my head is the thought that this is just another Shannon April Fools Day prank. Well, more than thinking it. I’d rather wish it were that.

Thank you for all that you have let me realize. What could be experienced. What could be changed. Different ways of looking at things. But more than anything, thank you for helping me realize that I am normal…different, but normal.

Thank you Shannon.
Thank you so very much for everything you ever did.
As I’ve aged, I’ve lost the need for heroes to look up to – you are still and always will be a hero for me.
Much love.
Rest in Painless Peace.
RIPP

Rest in peace my friend. You were one of the biggest influences in my life and I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t you. Words cannot begin to describe the gratitude I have for all that you’ve done. Thank you Shannon.

If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t have met my fiancé and I would have not have had my son. You opened a new world for me that I followed and sacrificed for to be apart of and for that I could never thank you enough Shannon. Rest easy my friend.

Shannon, I wish you could have opened your heart and mind to God and accepting Him as master of the universe. You could have gotten so much comfort and STRENGTH in that. I don’t believe a faith in the Creator is a weakness. I believe it’s a strength and acceptance of fact. Well friend, you know the Truth by now. God bless…

By the way, Shannon: Thank you so much for your understanding and encouragement in my preserving my penis and testicles and the penis museum. And thank you for your great suggestions. Elmo The Penis is as much yours as he was mine.

i will forever miss you shannon. i have lost a piece of my soul….youve been in my life online for almost 20 yrs. i met so many people. you and your writings have always inspired me. i will always love you shannon and what you have done for the body modification community. really there are no words to even say. i am happy you are at peace and the pain is no more. but my selfishness still wants you here writing and painting and doing good works. it is going to be hard not to look for you.

Much love to Caitlin, Ari, and Rachel. Shannon was an important part of my life even though we only met a few times. I would be a much different person if it weren’t for his monumental contributions–he made a dramatic impact on my life for the better. I appreciated him and thought he was really, really special. Sorry for your loss, so sorry. The entire community is in shock, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say I’m glad he’s not suffering any longer. RIP Shannon–you will be forever missed and always remembered.

Gonna miss your presence in the world, Shannon. Your influence on modern culture has been appreciated — thanks for giving people a voice and the freedom to be as freaky as they wanna be.

A part of me thinks that this is some big hoax, that you’ve faked your own death and are of living on a boat in the tropics, but no, there’s been too much progressive pain over the past few years, and though I wouldn’t put it past you to set up an elaborate hoax like that, I doubt you’d lie to the community like that and put your daughter and loved ones through such misery.

11 years ago I discovered the BME community. 10 years ago I joined it. 6 years ago I found the courage to show my face on IAM. 2 days ago I finally finished the body modification I had wanted for over a decade, inspired by that community. Yesterday you found peace.

Thank you Shannon for bringing together a community. Thank you for making public awareness a priority. I will take your messages with me through my career, I promise you that.

I was fortunate enough to be in contact with Shannon in a minimal way for a couple years over ten years ago. While my contact with Shannon was limited, I came to know him as a highly intelligent, creative and passionate man, someone that I admired and was even jealous of for being so fortunate to be who he was.

I don’t believe in an afterlife and I don’t think there’s anything left of Shannon but people’s memories of him. I’m glad that I have some and I’m glad that I was able to grow in some small way because of him.

I met my husband thru bme. Being from a small area there weren’t many of places for folks into mods to meet. But fate and BME stepped in. Its been 13 years of wonderful and I wanted to thank you Shannon. I literally owe my happiness to you. I pray you are free now and at peace. I pray your family and friends will be comforted in your release. I hope your daughter will have an amazing journey in life and she feels your love forever. Thank you again.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your sharing of perspective and enthusiasm for the world in which you lived. I always wondered how you found enough hours in the day to be such a prolific contributor on so many levels: BME, coding, art, cars, science, family, futurism, healthy cooking, and on and on.

Rest in peace, Shannon. I never commented here before, but I’m a long-time reader and I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I’ve followed BME and your blog for over a decade and what you accomplished was incredible.

If it wasn’t for your influence, thousands of us wouldn’t be who we are today. A little bit of you will live on in all of us for ever more. RIP Shannon, I’m happy that you have finally found peace after all these years.

Thank you…for everything and making me a happy person-I found my second half through BME(IAM) and had been a part of the community for long years. It made my life better,and turned me into a better person, so I can say I owe you.
Reas in peace friend.Hope you’re happy now, wherever you are…

Like many of you, I found much needed acceptance in the BME community, and for that I thank Shannon for making that happen. BME has helped shape who I am today and forever changed how I perceived the world and its inhabitants, no matter how off the beaten track they seem to be. The love is there for all.

Caitlin and Nefarious, I extend my greatest sympathies to you, and hope you peace during this time. <3

coming from a small place far away from any multicultural metropolis, i stumbled onto BME years ago as a teenager. it was like opening hundreds of doors to other people’s experiences with change, physical and mental. it opened a door to a world i otherwise would not have experienced in that way, and it did that in such a personal, heartfelt fashion that i credit BME and shannon’s work for a big part of the tolerance and (much more importantly) acceptance of all kinds of subcultures and self-expressions i have for other humans now. the stories about shannon’s personal life on this blog made me admire his strength, his passion for knowledge, acquiring new skills and his views on parenting and passing all these thing on to others. he was an inspiration through the years.

i wish caitlin and ari all the strength in the world.
ari, i hope your father’s love will run like a golden thread through your life. a childhood full of love is the best foundation for a creative, free-spirited and happy life and i hope yours will be all of these.

RIP Shannon. We never met, but I will miss you deeply. your inspirational writing on&off BME has truly changed my outlook on life, and I am grateful for that. Your art makes me smile everytime I see it.
I would like to express my sincere condolences to Ari, Caitlin and all of Shannon’s family.
“Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.”

Iam just one of the many people whose lives you touched by giving us an outlet and place to feel safe and accepted and I cannot thank you enough for that. While I am very sorry for the circumstances under which I am coming to thank you, you are absolutely justified in your decision. No living thing should be forced to continue on in a life that isn’t worth it anymore, in a body that no longer works.

You’ve been such an inspiration and I’m so sorry to see you go. I won’t waste my life. I won’t muddle through it looking forward to the weekends, only to do nothing of consequence. Money will not be an excuse and I will experience my life. Thank you for your last advice. You have made an impact and will not be forgotten. My condolences go to your family and friends.

My thoughts go out to the family. I found this post via modblog, which I’ve followed for some time now. His contributions will be missed.
That said I wish I could thank him for this post. As a fellow atheist, who’s been going through a period of exitential terror, reading these words has been very helpful to me. I hope his family won’t mind if I share this with others in my community. He was right in so many ways about finding peace, the right to death, and seizing everything life has to offer. This is something that deserves to be shared, and I know something that will help others.

A world without you in it just doesn’t seem right. You changed my life more than 10 years ago. I would have never had the courage to explore the mod’s I’ve had over the years. You opened my eyes and my heart to new things.

You taught me to be less judgmental of things I didn’t understand, and to see the beauty in each individual’s self expression. You helped me understand atheists in a way I never would have, being raised in a strict religious home. Your love for your daughter always shined through and I’ve always thought how lucky she is to have a dad like you.

I never truly believed this day would come, and I wish so much that I’d had an opportunity to strike up a conversation with you, but I feel truly blessed to have been “involved” in your world via the internet. You were an amazing man and your impact on this world will NEVER be forgotten.

I am so glad that your pain has ended, yet at the same time so sad that you are gone. It will take some time to accept it. Rest in peace, Shannon.

My life is better because of you. I have come to understand and accept parts of who I am because of you. I feel lucky to have learnt about your life, because I would like to become a person like you, and I would like to have that affect on other human beings. You’ll certainly live on my memory. Even though we never met or spoke, thank you for everything Shannon.

I lost touch with BME in the last few years but that site did awesome things for me and the body mod community (I even met my fiance there). I gained so much knowledge and respect for all aspects of body mods there and I will always carry a part of it with me (first tattoo, BME art). BME for life. RIP dude…Thanks for everything.

You’ve been a great inspiration and was always a pleasure to read your words and thoughts. You have made a great achievement that you’re probably never been aware of. Thank you! RIP. Greetings from Portugal.

Rest in peace, Shannon – you opened my eyes to a beautiful world. There will never be enough words to say what you did for myself and countless others, though many of us never had the privilege of meeting you face to face.

Shannon helped me become who I am today and made me not afraid to be myself because of BME. Body modification played a huge part in me defining myself, and has saved my life on more than a few occasions. RIP Shannon. You may be gone from this world but your legacy and impact on this world will live forever.

I’ve read, re-read and read again your final blog Shannon and each time my heart feels like it’s been crushed a little bit more and each time tears erupt from within.
I personally can’t find the words to emphasize and express the loss that so many people must be feeling now, a large part of me feels happy for you, that you are now finally free from pain – but at such a great cost, and there will be so much that you and your family are now going to miss out on.. no family should have to suffer the heartbreak of losing a loved one – regardless of whether you knew it was coming or not, the pain of you no longer being around will always live on in those whole loved and admired you.

Ari is going to grow up to be such a remarkable young woman, you have left her with so many wonderful memories of adventures and expeditions, there will always be so much of your life on the internet that she will forever have access to. She will grow up to be so proud of you, her dad.

To Caitlin: I feel such a sense of loss for you, you have been the closest person to Shannon throughout all of his suffering and it’s now that I would like to thank you for being there for him, I know that sounds silly but so many people are so happy that he has had someone looking after and loving him throughout all of this. Life can be so cruel and I am disgusted at how BME and Rachel have so far failed to acknowledge all that you have done for Shannon and also for the community – I personally think their attitude speaks volumes and none of it good. Perhaps things are different ‘in real life’ – I can only hope so.

Rest in peace Shannon. I have known your name since I was 15 years old I am now 29. BME helped me discover who I was as an individual. For that I will always be grateful. You will be sorely missed Shannon.
A friend,
Aaron Thibeault

I read this final post to a friend who was struggling to make a big move/decision in her life. I’ve talked to her about you a lot over the years, and while she isn’t into body modification herself, she knows a lot about you and the community through me.

I read this to her, trying to hold back my tears because it’s so moving. And it helped her. She finally understood that she couldn’t keep standing still for fear of the unknown. She made the big change, and couldn’t be happier with her decision. She told me the other day that she can’t stop thinking about living life to the fullest, and even though she didn’t “know” you like those of us who’ve followed BME and you for so long, your life has impacted her in a positive way.

It comes with an alarming discomfort to hear the news of your passing, Shannon, but I could not have pictured a more idyllic and gracious acceptance of one’s fate. As many have said, your words and thoughts have influenced many people and echoed along the bounding corridors of our history. Thank you for all your contributions and I hope you have found all the answers to your questions.

Another bright light gone to soon. I learned so much more than I ever knew I wanted to learn from your postings on FB. I looked forward to seeing what you would post next. Anytime I see that beautiful blue I will think of your eyes and how wonderfully they turned out :D RIP Shannon and to your daughter and Caitlin you are in my thoughts.

Oh God Damn Shannon, rest well without pain. I’ve “known” you for 12 years, you changed my life and helped me accept who i am. you hold a special place in my heart and will be there forever. I have no words, none at all.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Mary Frye

I feel bad that it took me this long to notice. I never actually knew you but I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your life and experiences. You inspired creativity in me that I never knew was there, inspired me to learn about things I had never even imagined existed and I thank you for that. I wish nothing but the best for your daughter and Caitlin.

I would like to send a special thank you to everyone who, reading Shannon’s Finita, la commedia, donated money via Caitlinjane@gmail.com . I am honoured that Caitlin has asked me to manage these funds for Ari’s future. I wish I could thank you all personally and tell you how much your gesture means to all of us (and Shannon). With loving thoughts, Kathy Vowinckel (Shannon’s mother)

I knew Shannon for 13 yrs. He claimed my son “the first BME baby” we are in the “BME scrapbook” pg.192. Justin was only 7 months old then in 2002. He is now 11 yrs old and like Ari (who is 10) means the world to me. We also added a daughter (Annika)to our family in 2007. Thank Shannon, you changed my life… R.I.P.

For several years now I would pop in to see what was new with you and your world of Zen… I never met you or your family, but find myself deeply saddened by your passing… My thoughts are with your family and your daughter… I know at a time like this, words seem to be meaningless; but know that though we have never met, I hope the best for your family, and most importantly, your daughter.

[...] ones. Shannon’s last words were posted on his personal blog Zentastic, click here to read his “Finita, la commedia”. There is a well written post by Shawn Porter on his blog about Shannon, “Stay Clam: [...]

[...] Was it a matter of right place at the right or pure genius? Who can say? Truly it was a perfect storm. With the rise of media exposure and the shift from print to digital images people all over the earth could suddenly share their experiences and discuss their passion through sites like BME. A community was born and it was a revolution. Shannon Larratt was truly a catalyst to a generation. In fact, I think Shannon said best in his final blog entry: [...]

[...] I write, it will never be enough. He passed on the 15th of March, 2013. In his last blog post (which can be read here) he talks of the wonderful life he had, and said some very great things. One of the quotes that has [...]

[...] Was it a matter of being the right place at the right time or pure genius? Who can say, but it truly was a perfect storm. With the rise of media exposure and the shift from print to digital images people all over the earth could suddenly share their experiences and discuss their passion through sites like BME. A community was born, and it was a revolution. Shannon Larratt was truly a catalyst to a generation. In fact, I think Shannon said best in his final blog entry: [...]

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