Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Crackdown: Game Movies

Last week I had the "pleasure" of seeing the movie based on the classic game "Battleship". And that got me thinking about other movies that came from games...and might have been a little better.

The first one that popped into my head was "Jumanji", but for me the line is a bit blurred about which came first, the board game or the movie. Either way, it was a classic when I was 8, and I think secretly I'd love for Robin Williams to jump out of one of my old board games. Just as long as the misadventures stay where they are.

While I haven't seen it, "Clue" looks an absolute piss (and I mean that in a good way). From the bad 80's hair and cocktail dresses to the cheesey slap-sticky comedy, I think I'd actually find some redeeming qualities in the film (I also have a soft spot in my heart for 80s films; forgive me). Also, I think I found our editor's parents starring in this. Who knew Mrs. White and Miss Scarlet were together?

There's also the "Resident Evil" franchise. Now, video game based thriller's might not be your scene--trust me, they're sure as shit not mine--but when it comes to Resident Evil, an exception is most certainly easily made. Granted, I watched the first one from between my fingers, flinching at those damn dogs (if you've seen it, you know exactly what I'm talking about). The first two of the franchise were crazy good, and then after that things started to get weird. So, stick with the originals and you'll be golden.

Then there's "Lara Croft". I didn't see these either, but I imagine it couldn't have been too awful. I mean, there were at least 2 of them, right? If anything, I'm sure the guys went for the eye candy alone. If I were a guy, I probably would.

And finally, my thoughts on "Battleship".

What in the world plot was that? Who thought that up? In the beginning we meet Alexsander Skarsgard's screw up of a brother (who looks nothing like him, yet strangely like the star of that massive Disney flop, "John Cater"--we see you, Taylor Kitch, we see you). He goes out of his way to impress this hot blonde at a bar, and ends up with a burrito and flashing lights chasing after him. Oh of COURSE this girl is the navy admiral's daughter, the same admiral who commands ASKars. So he basically says to John Carter "Join the navy with me or gtfo". And of course he's still a screw up, he's just a screw up in uniform now. It's only until he's face to face with an alien invasion that he gets his shit together.

There was one scene that stood out above the rest as the most "WTF" scene I've ever witnessed in my life. Early on, the aliens isolate three navy ships via some crazy alien barrier. After the final ship is destroyed and our core heroes are floating in the water, that's when they all realize the battleship from the 1940's is still hanging out over by the dock. There was a ceremony on the ship in the beginning of the film, veterans were honored, our screw up was late--it was great. So as they climb aboard the ship, they soon realize the technology is so different, there's no way they could use it to fight off these aliens that just destroyed three new ships stocked with modern technology. Hell, they don't even know how to use it at all. But just when they start to give up....

The Veterans they honored in the beginning come up from below deck and offer their help. THAT'S RIGHT. THESE OLD ASS MEN WERE JUST HANGING OUT ON A SHIP WATCHING THE NAVY FIGHT ALIENS. And as they 80's classic "Thunderstruck" played over the "let's teach these youngsters how to run our ship" montage ran, it took everything for me to stay seated. And not fall over laughing.

The movie as a whole was fine. The plot was ridiculous, and the holes in said plot were gaping, but hey, did I get to see my favorite vamp in uniform? Yes. Did guys get to see Rihanna firing off an automatic weapon? Yes. Was everyone a little wet from playing in the ocean at the end of the day? Yes. So really, I guess I can't say audiences were too disappointed.