MSU introduces the new ‘All or Nothing” Initiative

MSU has implemented a new policy that prevents students from skipping class called the “All or Nothing” initiative. In order to motivate teachers to work harder by helping them feel better about themselves, and to keep grade-point averages high, this new policy will automatically fail any student who misses a day of any given class. Now students will have to get the full experience of college, as their grade hinges primarily on attendance points rather than comprehension.

“It’s a really good thing,” Ken Hartley-Reed, a pre-med student, said. “Even if I fail my tests and miss all of my assignments, I don’t have to worry about failing the class.”

MSU’s Office of Student Success claims that this prepares students for their careers in life by teaching them the practical skill that you have to show up to work every day, even if you don’t want to or don’t feel well. It’s an important life skill, according to Douglas S. Halfempty, that needs to be learned over and over again for four years, otherwise students won’t be prepared for the real world. Halfempty claims that this is more important than gaining skills in the student’s field because “there are plenty of people who have skills that don’t show up on time for work and get fired.”

“Yeah, I mean, it definitely pushes you to learn some tough lessons,” said Ian B. Late, a recently-failed student at MSU. “If my grandmother could have just died on a Saturday instead of a Wednesday, I’d probably still be working on my degree.”

“I got pretty close to flunking out,” said graduate student Ivana Veekov. “I was in a lot of pain when my appendix burst, but I’ll never regret taking the risk of postponing surgery until the weekend. At least I got to see what driving to school was like on pain killers the next Monday.”

Students seem overall happy about the new changes this spring, but some refused to comment due to side effects of the policy changes such as: congestion, nausea and vomiting, sneezing, migraines, dizziness, sweating, fevers, itchiness or dry mouth, swelling and lesions on their faces. However, no ambulances have been called for the convenience of students so they may walk to class on time with no blockages.

This policy does not include staff, faculty, health care workers, student athletes, counselors or President Cruzaldo.