Introduction

The "Hotel Melanoma" moniker is a metaphor for living with my particular brand of cancer. Except for those lucky few of us deemed "cured", all we cancer survivors are guests of one of the many, many branded hotels in the "Hotel Carcinoma" chain. We can check out any time we like, but we can never leave. Meanwhile, let's be livin' it up; and please support cancer education, prevention, and treatment research.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Santa Baby, pix all stable on the CT, for me.Need an awful good cure, Santa baby,So hurry down the chimney tonight. Santa baby, an end to those deductibles too,Claims through.I'll wait up for you dear,Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.Think of all the sun I've missed,Think of all the freckles that I haven't dissed,Next year I could be just as good,If you'll check off my Christmas list,Santa baby, I want Oz shot,And really that's not a lot,Been an angel all year,Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.Santa honey, there's one thing I really do need,SunscreenFor a platinum shine,Santa honey, so hurry down the chimney tonight.Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with free Rx,Skin checks.Shine your specs on my hide,Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.Come and trim my IV tree,With some med confections bought for zero fees,I really do believe in you,Let's see if you believe in me,Santa baby, forgot to mention Sloan Kettering,One thing.I won’t need on the phone,Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,Hurry down the chimney tonight,Hurry, tonight.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I’ll be seeing my favorite oncologist tomorrow to get a lymph node checked out (which I’m sure will turn out just fine) and was told to plan on having a “fine needle aspiration” of said node. And guess where said procedure will be performed. The breast cancer clinic. The last time I was sent there for a quicky needle biopsy I caught some very quizzical looks, seeing as how I was the only guy in the waiting room. So I’m wondering whether I should go with the flow and try to blend in a little better this time by wearing a pink shirt and my black tutu from the AIM Walk For A Cure. Any advice?

I'll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma twist on Marty Robbins’ “A White Sport Coat And A Pink Carnation”...

With white lab coats at the pink C stationI'm all dressed up for the lanceWith white lab coats in the pink C nationI'm all alone wearin’ pantsOnce Mom told me long agoTo the doc with C I'd goNow U’s braised my hide it seemsToo late now to wear sunscreenWith white lab coats in the pink C nationI'm in a blue blue mood.I'm all dressed up for the lanceI'm all alone wearin’ pantsOnce tans broiled me long agoIt’s a bomb in me did blowNow I’ve bathed my hide in ‘screenNothing else will hold pale sheenWith white lab coats in the pink C nationI'm in a blue blue mood

Monday, November 26, 2012

Well it's skin check time again, Paler Nation was all stung by sun fireEverybody's cringin', all our moles are hangin’ outAnd it's skin checks all over again, yeah againMy dermatologist, haven't seen him in a long, long timeYeah I kind of missed him, I just don't wanna kiss him, noAnd it's skin checks all over again, yeah againAnd all in our gowns big old kids gonna strip downAnd skin check is a doc’s gold mine, put your body out to shineUnderneath the bright light glow we go, we goEverybodys cringin', all the moles are hangin’ outAnd it's skin checks all over again, yeah againAnd all ‘round the clock Hotel kids like to rockAnd skin check is a doc’s gold mine, put your body out to shineUnderneath the bright light glow we go, we goMerry skin check time come and find you happy and bare, sans attireI hope you have a good one, I hope doctuh gets her choppin' doneAnd it's a skin check all over againBaby it's skin check all over againAnd it's skin check all over againNow let's see...I want a new itchin’ scratcher skin scar...

Monday, November 19, 2012

I had a marvelous time this past weekend at the AIM Walk For A Cure in Charlotte, NC and, thanks to sneaky smart phone cameras and mobile uploading technology, this and oh so many other incriminating photos will live on forever on Facebook. All I can say is thank heavens I’m retired from law practice and never had any aspirations to run for political office or seek a judicial appointment.

With thanks to my fellow TuTu Man Mark Williams for, both literally and figuratively, getting me into this, here’s the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Walk Like A Man” from Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons…

Walk like a manOh, how you tried to cut me down to sizeSpreadin' UV fries to my endsBut my mole brother said "Never give up ever”The world isn't comin' to an end"(He said)Walk like a man, talk ‘bout the tanWalk like a man, wear oneNo suntan’s worth crawlin' under earthSo walk like a man, wear oneBye bye Ray C, I don't-a mean maybeGonna get along somehowSoon you'll be dyin' on account of all our tryin'Oh yeah, just look who's laughin' now(I'm gonna)Walk like a man, fast as I canWalk like a man TuTu’dI'll tell the world "let’s get about the CURE!"And walk like a man TuTu’d

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I’ll confess, I’m a Roman Catholic, not a very good one, but I try. Perhaps only known in an increasingly secular world for all of its institutional faults and fallibilities, the Roman Catholic Church offers a very well developed, wide and deep body of teaching on the concept of sin that endures through the years and doesn’t bend to the mores of the popular culture of the day. Yes, sin. Some things just aren’t okay and never will be, regardless of the situation. Really.

Among the most destructive of sins is envy. And it’s reared its ugly head here at the Hotel Melanoma among mole mates working in various ways to increase melanoma awareness. A theologian I’m not, but I think we’re committing the sin of envy when we’re angry or sorrowful about the successes of others and we do things to try to take them away and grab them for ourselves. As far south of perfect as I am, I nevertheless have no time for envy or the envious when it comes to working together to do what we can to teach the general public that this ain’t “just skin cancer”. And I hope you don’t either.

So, c’mon people, check your envy at the Hotel door and play nice together once inside. If you don’t, Hotel management will transfer you to the “administrative segregation” wing where every room is adjacent to an elevator and ice machine.

I’ll end today’s homily with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “No Time” from The Guess Who…

No time left for youFinding ways to better thingsNo time left for youI built myself new wingNo time left for you Mutant moles are stalking meNo time left for you.No time for a bummer friendNo time for the posts you sendFriendships change and so did IYou need not wonder whyYou need not wonder whyThere’s no time left for youNo time left for you.No time left for youFinding ways to better thingsNo time left for youI built myself new wingNo time left for youMutant moles are stalking meNo time left for you.No time for a drama queenNo time for a post that’s meanNo time for facebooking boresNo time at this Hotel forNo time at this Hotel forThere’s no time left for youNo time left for you.No time for a bummer friendNo time for the posts you sendFriendships change and so did IYou need not wonder whyYou need not wonder whyThere’s no time left for youNo time left for you.No time, no time, no time, no timeNo time, no time, no time, no timeI got, got, got, got no timeI got, got, got, got no timeI got, got, got, got no timeNo, no, no, no, no, no, no timeNo, no, no, no, no, no, no timeI got, got, got, got no timeNo, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no timeI got no time, got no time, got no time, got no time, got no time, Got no time, got no time

Monday, November 12, 2012

At the upcoming AIM For A Cure Melanoma Walk at Freedom Park in Charlotte, NC, those of us who are lucky enough to be able to attend will be walking for everyone who’s checked into the Hotel Melanoma-- you may not be physically present but you’ll be in the hearts and heads of those who are. And if you are there, you won’t have any difficulty spotting me because I’ll be one of two older fellows sporting a black tutu. (Which I’m sure is going to haunt me for years to come in so, so many ways.) With any luck, the walk’s pale and black-clad participants will make enough noise and create enough of a spectacle to draw the curiosity of the park’s regular Saturday morning users and a few of those innocent bystanders will maybe start to ‘get’ melanoma before they too get it.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with a little twist on Bonnie Raitt’s “Something To Talk About”…

Friday, November 9, 2012

Everyone who’s checked into the Hotel Melanoma knows that “just skin cancer” is one of the relatively under-funded cancers, when funding is measured by research dollars spent per new patient diagnosis and per patient death. My own favorite melanoma cause is the melanoma research program at the University of Colorado Cancer Center, because it most likely saved my life. So if you enjoy this little blog, please consider making a donation to The University of Colorado Foundation Melanoma Research Fund. No amount is too small and every donation will be greatly appreciated. And if you dislike my blog, you just might be able to blast it out into the ether of cyberspace by making a really BIG donation—so just get in touch with me and perhaps we can negotiate a ‘killer’ donation.

But, being a recovering attorney, I always have a Plan B and have thought of a promising new idea for melanoma research fundraising! This past Tuesday, voters in the Great State of Colorado approved an amendment to the state constitution that decriminalizes the recreational use of marijuana. Beginning in 2014, after the legislature figures out how in the heck they are going to be regulate and tax the sale of marijuana, the amendment will also permit licensed retail sales stores. So I just might apply for a license to open a shop, call it “McWeed’s”, and donate the profits to melanoma research. Do you think “Tokin’ For The Cure” might work as an ad slogan?

Hoping that neither my Mom nor any of those brave and dedicated public servants at the United States Drug Enforcement Administration will ever, ever read this post, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Down To Seeds And Stems Again Blues” from Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen…

I'm bloggin’ at home, ev’ry dang night, mocking the fake bake glow A bottle of wine, some ‘cigarettes’, I got no race to go Well, I saw my onc doc man today, he was scaring with brand new news And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too Well, I saw my old friend Oz today from up on TV screen He has the scariest quack doc pals that I've ever seen But I couldn't hide my tears at all 'cause C’s cooked best by U And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too Now everybody tells me there's other ways to get fried They don't seem to understand, I'm too far gone to try Now these sun ray memories, they're all I can't lose And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too Well, my blog died just yesterday, fans left me all alone That CIGNA company called up today, they’ve reprocessed claims known But that's just a drop in the bucket, pals, compared to losing hue And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too Got the down to seeds and stems again blues

Monday, November 5, 2012

If you checked into the Hotel Melanoma more than twenty-four hours ago, you’ve probably heard at least one well-intentioned but ill-informed friend or family member say something along the lines of “thank heavens it’s just skin cancer”. I certainly heard that a time or two. Some of those people rather quickly figured out that melanoma really is cancer upon hearing I was being hospitalized to undergo biochemotherapy treatments. And some never truly got it and won’t unless they get it themselves; and they continue to soak up the UV rays because they think it can’t happen to them and “manana” will never come.

Which is a so very human quality in all of us. We all do dumb things that put our health at risk, because we enjoy doing them, and we delude ourselves into thinking the behavior will never rise up and bite us. Oy.

So the next time you hear “it’s just skin cancer”, resist the urge to whack the person up the side of the head and, instead, enlighten them if they’ll listen. Or just smile and share this song from the Hotel Melanoma Songbook, Jimmy Buffett’s “Manana”…

They said I can't go back to pre-Black C life soon Those goddamn nodes they’re gonna grow until pruned Yeah, they're treatin' up in Denver so, truck up in car And I'm feeling fear ‘screened from sun with new scars Doctor man tells me that he's gotta treat He's got a plan hidden up his shrewd sleeve Wants to ‘scribe me a blastin’, a plan of strong kind With IV confection he knows will be fine Please don't say manana if you don't ‘screen it I have heard those words for so very long Don't try to describe the mole thing if you've never seen it Don't ever forget that you just may wind up being wrong Tried and I tried but I don't understand Never seemed to break out the day I had it planned Hangin' out at C cantina when Code Blue was called Singin' everybody clear, patient’s heart just got stalled But doctors and nurses aren’t in short supply There's just enough ‘dope’ for us all to get high I hear it gets better, that's what they say As soon as I break out alive on Friday Please don't say manana if you don't ‘screen it I have burned tan lines for so very long Don't try to describe this mean C if you've never seen it Don't ever forget that you just may wind up in my song Alright let's reggae tanners! Bawled out my friends on those deep frightly rays Sure was good to talk ‘bout my old UV-fried ways While the lights of sun salons fry twenty-some guests I see General Electric's still doing their best I got to mend this blog thing pretty soon Hotel M’s old and I'm fresh out of tunes But I know that I'll get 'em, I know that they'll come Through mole people in rages and Hollywood scum So please don't say manana if you don't mean it (don't mean it) I have heard tan lies for so very long Don't try to deride ‘just skin cancer’ if you've never seen it Don't ever forget that you just may wind up being gonged And I hope that no freak Kardashian never ever does one of my songs No no no

Saturday, November 3, 2012

After my kindly surgical oncologist found fourteen malignant lymph nodes back in the summer of ’03, my prognosis was looking just a bit grim. But thanks to a bit of luck and a boatload of toxic chemicals I’m still here nine years later.

I often wonder why in the heck I’m blogging and facebooking and haven’t “moved on” by now. But I think it’s because I hope I might lend some encouragement to newly diagnosed mole mates just by showing up and being counted among the undead.

So for all of you recent check-ins at the Hotel Melanoma, here’s a slightly twisted rendition of Brewer & Shipley’s “One Toke Over The Line”…

One node over the line sweet JesusOne node over the lineSittin' in gown joinin’ Black C NationOne node over the lineAwaitin' for the scan that shows brain, sweet MaryHopin' that the scan is on timeSittin' in gown joinin’ Black C NationOne node over the lineWhoooo do you cure, I hope it's meI've been a tannin', as you can plainly seeI felt no joy and I learned about sun rays that my momma saidIf I should choose to make a part of me, surely strike me deadAnd now I'm one node over the line sweet JesusOne node over the lineSittin' in gown joinin’ Black C NationOne node over the lineI'm waitin' for the scan that shows brain sweet MaryHopin' that the scan is on timeSittin' in gown joining Black C NationOne node over the lineI ‘screen away the UV guile, Now I'm not burnin’, showin' off pale styleI met all the cures and drugged myself anewAnd to my surprise like everything else I've been throughIt opened up my eyes and now I'mOne node over the line sweet JesusOne node over the lineSittin' in gown joinin’ Black C NationDon't you just know I waitin' for the scan that shows brain sweet MaryHopin' that the scan is on timeSittin' in gown joinin’ Black C NationOne node over the lineDon't you just know I waitin' for the brain that glows no sweet MaryHopin' that my brain in just fineSittin' in gown as new cancer patientOne node over the lineDon’t want to beOne node over the line sweet JesusOne node over the lineSittin' in gown joinin’ Paler NationOne node over the lineDon't you just know I’m waitin' for the brain that glows no sweet MaryHopin' that my brain in just fineSittin' in gown in a PET scan stationOne node over the lineSittin' in gown in a PET scan stationOne node over lineOne node, one node over the line

Thursday, November 1, 2012

In a few weeks I’ll be heading off to Charlotte, NC for the AIM For A Cure Melanoma Walk. I wish that everyone I’ve “met” in the online melanoma community were able to attend, but know that’s just not practical for so many of you. We’ll be walking (and hoisting a pint or two in a toast) for everyone at The Hotel Melanoma.

With thanks to all of the generous donors who’ve sponsored me, or one of the other Charlotte walkers, I’ll leave you with a slightly altered version of The Allman Brothers Band’s “Southbound”…

Well, I'm Southbound ... Lord I'm takin’ AIM at youLord, I'm Southbound, Black C ... Lord I'm takin’ AIM at youI got that old sun C feelin' that's sometimes called the bluesLord, I been bloggin' every night ... oh facebookin' every dayLord, I been bloggin' every night .. whoa facebookin’ every dayOh, I can tell you there’s a plan ... sweet vict’ry’s on the wayOh, you better believeWell, I'm SouthboundLord, I'm Southbound, Black COh, you better make some other plans ... sweet vict’ry’s on the wayGot your hands full now, Black C ... oh as soon as we raise some moreGot your hands full now, Black C ... yeah as soon as we raise some moreWell, we’re gonna walk it all up for you ... for all the cures you should have had beforeWell, I'm goin' SouthboundOh, Southbound, Black COhhhh ... I'm rollin' SouthboundYeah, Black C ... walk it all up for you ... ohhhh ... the cures you should had before

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About Me

My blog reflects an ongoing quest to find the good stuff and the funny stuff I've stumbled into during my stay at The Hotel Melanoma since receiving a Stage IIIc diagnosis in 2003. And to raise awareness about this relatively unknown brand of cancer. If you find it of value in your own quest, please share it with others and make a donation to your favorite melanoma nonprofit organization to fund melanoma education, prevention and treatment research. If you're wondering why my golden retriever, Jordan, is pictured here, well, he actually writes most of my posts and he's a lot better looking than me.

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Practicing Safe Sun Since 2003

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A Thank You Note to Commenters

Comments, positive or otherwise, are the lifeblood of a blogger and I really do appreciate receiving and reading them. So, thanks for taking the time to let me know what you think about my blog. I know that some of you are currently enduring some pretty rough times. Please let me know how you are doing and whether there is something I can do to help.

Important Disclaimer!

At great risk of sounding like the corporate lawyer I used to be by making the perfectly obvious perfectly clear, here goes. Neither The University of Colorado Cancer Center nor any of its affiliated entities or individual persons (whether living, dead, or in some alternate plane of existence) has anything whatsoever to do with this blog. They don’t endorse it, sponsor it, approve it, or sanction it. Most likely they are completely unaware of it because they have better things to do than search the ‘net for blogs of patients, much less read them. Moreover, to the extent they are aware of it, they may not even like my writing or sense of humor. Nevertheless- and I’m acting solely and exclusively on my own here- I still hope you give them money to support the cause of melanoma (or other cancer) research. They do good work.