33 Creative Insults to Intellectually Insult Someone with Sarcasm

Despite being taught early to not say mean words to others, most cultures have a great wealth of creative insults meant to make the next fellow feel bad.

If you think creative insults are a relatively modern invention, try visiting an ancient Roman ruin. You’ll be surprised at what some of the graffiti there has to say about Lucius’ poor mother.

Insults go way back. Most of these usually involve rude comments toward certain female relatives and anatomical parts of the insulted. As you see, little has changed with insults from back then like our “Yo’ Momma” quips which are getting a little too old. To stay ahead of the conflict-escalating banter, fire wittier and more creative comebacks sure to bring on the hurt. Good thing the English language provides.

Warning: the words and phrases listed below are not meant to be used in polite conversation.

On using creative insults for insulting intelligence

Because dropping “stupid” or “idiot” is way too bland, here are some longer derivations of that word to call someone with perceived inferior mental capacity.

#1 “You severely lack brain matter that you’ll float on water.” Not only that it rhymes, it also means you’ve got an empty space somewhere between the ears enough to gain buoyancy.

#2 “I’d insult you, but then I’ll have to explain it afterwards so never mind.” A meta-insult implying the insultee’s incapacity to understand insults.

#3 “I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain it to you.” This can be used in place of “We don’t accept resumes written in crayon.”

#4 “In what way are your parents related to each other?”

#5 “You know nothing. In fact, you know less than nothing because if you knew that you knew nothing that would be something.”

#6 “I expected an intellectual conversation but it seems there’s no one around to have that with.”

If you can’t make up your own, it won’t hurt to borrow from fiction. British comedy in fact has a wealth of eloquent yet politically-incorrect quips that you could use if the situation requires it.

#19 “You’re an inanimate, f*cking object!” – In Bruges (2008)

#20 “You’re just the afterbirth, Eli, slithered out on your mother’s filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece.” – There Will Be Blood (2007)

#21 “Even if I were blind, desperate, starved and begging for it on a desert island, you’d be the last thing I’d ever f*ck.” – Scarface (1983)

#22 “You’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty. But, in your case, I’ll make an exception.” – Con-Air (1997)

#23 “You know what, Mom, you know what I’m going to get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.” – The Ref (1994)

#24 “You’re a cunt. You’re a cunt now, you’ve always been a cunt, and the only thing that’s gonna change is you’re gonna become an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.” – In Bruges (2008)

#25 “Jesus Christ, see you… You’re a f*cking omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you f*ck up.” – Malcom Tucker, The Thick of It

#26 “He’s absolutely useless. He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.” – In the Loop (2009)

#27 “I’d love to stop and chat to you, but I’d rather have Type 2 diabetes.” – In the Loop (2009)

#28 “The guy is an epic f*ck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.” – Malcom Tucker, The Thick of It

#29 “You’re about as funny as a blind toddler in a f*cking minefield.” – In the Loop (2009)

#30 “Your brain for example–is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.” – Blackadder

#31 “The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Perce?” – Blackadder