Forensic Evidence Shows Signs Of Feeble Struggle

DES MOINES, IA—A report released by the Polk County Coroner's Office Tuesday concluded that local resident Brian Christopher, 24, died a "sniveling coward of a man" after a feeble struggle to protect himself against the killer in his bedroom this weekend.

"The angle of the cuts on the victim's forearms and palms suggests he was shielding his face and lunging at the attacker with ineffectual, essentially girl-like movements," read an excerpt from the report. "Abrasions on the victim's knees indicate intense pleading, and the urine stains found on his pajamas were so obviously his own, DNA tests were unnecessary."

Fibers found under Christopher's fingernails, forensic investigators said, showed that immediately after the attack, a dazed and bloody Christopher most likely crawled to a corner of a room where his old blankie was, clutched it close to his body, and died in a pool of his own tears.