(Note to Crimson, my last fan fic, my chapters had nothing to do with my plot, so I didn't write a chapter because I didn't want to be embarrassed. I just dumped the story, and took a while to come up with this one, but this will be my best one (hopefully, anyway))
Tales of Fantasies: Raging WarsChapter one: Ridge castleDravin was standing at the base of a mountain in a small village, accompanied by his Charmander. The small town never had visitors, so the villagers were acting hostile to Dravin. He managed to find someone who actually cared about him, the bartender of the local bar. The bartenders name was George, an uncommon name at the time. He never had customers, so he was happy to see Dravin come in the door.
"Well, today is the day." he said. He had tooken time to say good goodbye to George. He looked up at the mountain. His destonation, Ridge castle, was, like it's name, on a ridge near the peek of the mountain. Just above the cliff where the castle was located was a fridged peek, blanked by snow. Dravin did not want to wait any longer, so he started heading towards the mountain. He checked to make sure his sword was still on his back. A small group of Golem were sleeping on a small ledge, guarded by some men. Dravin carefully scanned the cliff, trying to find something to get up to the Golem. He found some rocks sticking out of the mountain, just in arm reach. He placed his hands on them and slowly hulled himself up.
"Almost there... wag!" he shouted, his grip sliping on the icy rocks. He fell down and nearly landed on his Charmander, luckily, it dashed out of the way.
"Ow... Sorry about that, Char." he said. Char rolled his eyes and hoped onto Dravin's hand. Dravin lifted himself up and got Char's message. He moved his arm towards the rocks, making sure Char wouldn't fall off. When close enough, Char realeased flames on the rock, melting the icy. Then another flame which evaporated the water.
"Thanks, now we can get up there." said Dravin. Char rested on his shouldier. Now Dravin attempted to pull himself up again. This time, his grib didn't slip and he hulled himself onto the ledge.
"Hello. Do you have the recruitment slip from the King?" asked one of the men. Dravin Reached into a small sack he keeps on his back and pulled out the letter. The man studdied it carefully before returning it and calling someone. A golem rushed over and standed, like he had just been called on by his commander.
"Ok, carry this Man up to the castle and return here." said the Man. Dravin hopped onto its back.
"How many acidents do you have?" asked Dravin, as the Golem starting climbing up the mountain.
"Oh, don't worry! We've only had 1 death this week!" said the man. Dravin gulped. Something told him he wasn't going to like this...

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pmPosts: 382Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.

Yay, a new story! Let me help you out...

Quote:

blanked by snow

I think you mean blanketed by snow. Not blanked.

Quote:

He had tooken time to say good goodbye to George.

It's "He had taken his time."

Quote:

hoped onto Dravin's hand.

*hopped*

And then more misspellings or wrong tense of word.

Moving along....

Quote:

A golem rushed over and standed, like he had just been called on by his commander.

Emphasis on standed, which is the wrong tense verb, but saying something like "A Golem rushed over and stood at attention, like he had just been called on by his commander.", sounds much better.

I'm sure Crimson or another writer has something better to critique, but watch out for those things, and make sure you proofread your chapters frequently while writing, then once again before you decide to post it.

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2007 12:31 pmPosts: 892Location: In your kitchen, holding a knife. And it's not for the vegetables...

Chapter 2: King Polimus IIIAnd he was right, they had only been climbing for a minute, and Dravin already felt sick to his stomach. Dravin examined how fast they were going, and how high until they reach the castle.
"We'll never make it up there today at this rate! Can't you go any faster?" said Dravin. The Golem stopped for a moment at Dravin, taking his words partially as an insult, and started climbing up the mountain at breakneck speed.
"Whooa! Slow down a bit!" shouted Dravin. But the wind blowing past the Golem prevented it from hearing him. Char was hanging on to Dravin's sword case, as the intense speed was blowing him away. His grip started slipping, until he lost it and let go. He covered his eyes. But the Golem could feel the heat getting close to him and quickly bolted his head to the side and caught Char's tail with his teeth. Char was shivering, still covering his eyes. He took away one han to peek at the ground, and he realized that he wasn't falling anymore. He breathed a sigh of relief. Dravin picked Char up and put him on his shoudier. The castle wasn't very far away so the Golem went slow. When they finally reached the top, the Golem hurled them off it's back and began descending the mountain.
"Hmm, not exactlly the best ride I've had." laughed Dravin. He took a moment to look at the castle.
"Looks pretty good, I can't believe this thinbg hasn't been attacked for 100 years, even though they've been in war for the last 10 years." said Dravin. he walked to the entrance gate. And two guards put their spears up to his neak.
"What buisness have thou here?" asked one of the guards.
"I have buisness with the king." said Dravin. The guard stood there for a second before speaking.
"We shall not open the gate until we see proof!" said the guard. Dravin pulled out the recruitment sheet. The guard studied it for a second. He signalled for the other guard the lower his weapon.
"Very well. Follow us." he said. He pulled a level and the gate openned. The guards lead him through a hallway, with gold statues against the wall. Finally, the guards went into a large room. A red caroet went straight forward and stopped at a golden throne. The guard handed Dravin the paper back and signalled for him to walk forward. Dravin walked towards the king.
"What do you want with me?" asked the King.
"I'm Dravin. I came with the recruitment request." he said. The King studied it carefully before taking out a feather and signing it.
"At last! You are here. I am King Polimus the third! The two guards will lead you to your quarters in which you will be staying. I will also give you another note. It has all of your duties as a soldier. Perhaps you oneday may become a knight." said the king. Dravin took the sheet without saying anything. He feared if he said something wrong the king would behead him. The guards lead him to a small room, with a bed and some candles. Dravin sat on the bed as the guards went back to their duties.

your story has a good feel to it, but your chappies are way way to short! they should be 3 pages minimum on word and yours is not even half a page! you should work on making the chapters longer.

i like the concept, its pretty god keep working

Mon Oct 08, 2007 4:15 pm

DNA

Trivia Champion

Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2007 5:37 pmPosts: 3168Location: clegavel

may&mistylover wrote:

your story has a good feel to it, but your chappies are way way to short! they should be 3 pages minimum on word and yours is not even half a page! you should work on making the chapters longer.

i like the concept, its pretty god keep working

Do you realize how hard that is to pull off, THREE pages? A lot of people here, even the older and more experienced ones, don't have chapters that long. I mean, my fanfic has 1-page chapters on average. (Yes, I use Word.) Three pages would be quite a feat, not to mention it takes all the excitement out due to its drawn-out length.

Other than that Tluv, great story you have here. A few spelling errors here and there (just press F7 on Word for a spellcheck), and it does look rather garbled with a lack of indents. I do like the plot however, and it is enough to keep me interested.

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2007 12:31 pmPosts: 892Location: In your kitchen, holding a knife. And it's not for the vegetables...

DNA wrote:

may&mistylover wrote:

your story has a good feel to it, but your chappies are way way to short! they should be 3 pages minimum on word and yours is not even half a page! you should work on making the chapters longer.

i like the concept, its pretty god :) keep working :D

Do you realize how hard that is to pull off, THREE pages? A lot of people here, even the older and more experienced ones, don't have chapters that long. I mean, my fanfic has 1-page chapters on average. (Yes, I use Word.) Three pages would be quite a feat, not to mention it takes all the excitement out due to its drawn-out length.

Other than that Tluv, great story you have here. A few spelling errors here and there (just press F7 on Word for a spellcheck), and it does look rather garbled with a lack of indents. I do like the plot however, and it is enough to keep me interested.

- DNA

Indents, great. I can't believe I forgot something my english teacher crammed in my head! And I didn't use word, but I think I'll start using it.

If you do use Word, use the 5-space indent. If you use an indent with the Tab button it'll do crazy things.

And even so it won't show up on the forums. What I do is just use a simple space-underscore-space method. It's not the most effective (maybe it would be if there were multiple underscores...), but at least it's better than nothing.

Or, you could double spaces your paragraphs, like I just did in this post (but what I don't normally do). Ultimately it's your choice.

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

You cannot post new topics in this forumYou cannot reply to topics in this forumYou cannot edit your posts in this forumYou cannot delete your posts in this forumYou cannot post attachments in this forum