FAVORITE ONE STAR REVIEWS OF BELOVED ICONS or EVERYONE HAS HATERS

My fascination with one star reviews began last year. I initially got into the habit of checking reviews of various items for purchase online a la Consumer Reports. Thus, I became fascinated with the whole internet reviewing system. After spending a lot of time in the review and comments sections of various sites, I realized that this type of mass media has the potential to serve highly political ends, like all good mass media models. The vistas of fakery and malfeasance are stunning. Authors review their own books to boost ratings, rival authors review to sabotage the competition, people are paid for favorable words etc. Really, it’s not a shock because that’s business as usual. But, I’m constantly astonished at the amount of aggressive vitriol persons are currently willing to express in their opinions of everything. The internet has obviously become whatever kind of forum you want to make it and many are making it like a boxing ring or worse. We have kind of become a culture of haters. The various ways folks articulate their hatred can be wildly amusing at times… to me… but maybe that’s just me. When it comes to ‘art’, taste is subjective. Our most beloved icons aren’t so for everyone. There is someone out there that hates Einstein, Ghandi and/or Mother Theresa. There are Jesus haters and Buddha haters and, as is de ri·gueur, Mohammed haters. Quite a bit lower on the icon totem pole are our cultural mainstays and these certainly have their share of detractors… sometimes just a lonely voice from a far corner. They realize that they can be heard, if only in some out of the way corner of the interwebs, and that their opinion/stand-up routine just might matter. Amazon and Yelp are favorites of mine, however, I’ve included only Amazon One Star Reviews below. The selection process for the best of these were based on humor, insanity and plain old stupidity.

THE MOVIE “JAWS”

parent’s beware this movie should be R rated shows you the integrity of hellywood their is none you should be abale to go by there rantings on the DVD wrong there’s nudity drug’s use what’s happened to the film industry and TV these day’s their combining porn with movies a decent Pearson can.t enjoy a movie or buy one without this trash promoted in movies these day’s and TV to and in sales papers on the internet this is a ok little truth as sharks some times atak wish pg or g ratings were true always do your homework on a movie before buying wish i did nude Sean’s are sutel never full frontal or well lit but there i would not recommend this movie to everyone under 21 as perverts have enuff motivation to rap and other sexual crimes mock as you may but mock when you have been raped or sexual assaulted tell me it’s ok then perv if they come out with out the nudity and that would be true pg as this version is rated R for nudity.drugs.and gor parent’s beware don’t let kids watch or your starting um on a road to bing a sex offender or premarital pregnancy and drugs use what you let in can position your values and your bad parent’s don’t blame me when you’re kids start doing what they see we’re you think thy got the idea from the air no TV movie’s music and you booo don’t recommend for Christian it invokes the spirit of fear why i destroyed my copy as father God commanded garbage in garbage out

DAVID BOWIE’S ENTIRE CATALOG:

Music is an art,it is not just an entertainment.It has a literal power.It has the power to evolve or destroy a psyche and thereby a civilization.Civilizations are moulded and shaped according to the dominant style of music because it magnetises society into conforming with itself.

David Bowie came to prominence in the 1970’s when the innocence of flower power had been discarded and the culture was openly embracing drugs and depravity.He was at the centre of a push for cultural change that included experimentation with gender, sexuality & drugs,his message was … do whatever makes you feel good [ do what thy wilt ] and ordinary,everyday people adapted to this counter culture wholesale,spurning important aspects of normality with no real thought of where the consequences of their actions might take them.

This author writes “There was a lot of creativity,a lot of poetry,and a lot of spirituality about at that time”

The spirituality Bowie was into was a confused form of Aleistar Crowley Satanism.There are photographs of him dressed up and imitating Crowley also Bowie makes numerous occultic references in his early work. In his book Bowie:A Biography, Marc Spitz states “Bowie was obsessed with using occultic magic to attain success and protect himself from demonic forces”. In this book Mary Finnigan writes about her interest in Tibetan Buddhism. Aleistar Crowley played a pioneering role in the western study of eastern religions.

Music influences people because it conveys a spiritual essence and it also conveys the state of consciousness of the artist into the listener-parts of the consciousness of the musician can actually become assimilated into the listener.This is why the morality and spiritual state of the musician matters especially when the consciousness of one artist can be transferred into thousands or even millions of people.

********************************************************************Ground Control To Davy Jones: Rolling Stone Magazine.” I honestly believe everything that I’ve said. I believe that rock & roll is dangerous. It could well bring about a very evil feeling in the West. I do want to rule the world. There’s always a pendulum swing, right? Well, we’ve had the high with rock. It’s got to go the other way now. And that’s where I see it heading, bringing about the dark era. That we weenie boys with our makeup and funny clothes and whatnot, I feel that we’re only heralding something even darker than ourselves”********************************************************************

David Bowie set a destructive Luciferian precedent,he paved the way for self confessed satanist Marilyn Manson to succeed in the music industry. Anton Lavey devotee Manson (real name Brian Warner), cites Bowie as his major influence.

David Bowie is widely acknowledged as the most influential British pop artist ever,but sadly David Bowie was a NWO puppet and a Satanist perverting humanity through music.Of course it all seemed like fun times and his music sounded very good to the ears. Poison goes in tasty things,not things people won’t consume.David Bowie helped mainstream a negative change in the philosophies,lifestyles and morals of our civilization,due to that he really doesn’t deserve our admiration or respect.

ROLLING STONES “LET IT BLEED”

It is a huge joke that the Rolling Stones could make more than 20 albums in 40 years and each one of their albums suck horribly ever since 1964. They only made two good songs ‘Start Me Up’ and ‘Shattered’ and the rest of their songs stink! Their vocalist Mick Thornten wears his hair like a mohawk just can’t sing at all and uses makeup like a girl. Keith Richmond, their guitar player is the worst guitar player in the world ever who never took guitar lessons doesn’t know any of the chords,always out of tune and only two strings on his pink guitar. Willie Whatts,their drummer cant drum at all never took lessons and he was no comparison to drum greats like Lars Ulrich. Do not buy any Rolling Stones CD,they are the worst band ever besides Pink Floyd. Put Pink Floyd and Rolling Stones albums in the freezer. Mark Knopfler is 10 times better, get the Ragpicker’s Dream insted.

I like to give my comants on this music. This music is really old and lacks the guts nowadays music has.

Also the group uses just tooo little synthesizers and sampled choirs.

My advice it is boring oldfashunned and lazy and honors you to live in a bad path.

even Emma Em saes he loves his daughter (although I am not a fan at all).

Thank you

The Rolling Stones sucks. Always did and always will.

Charlie Watts can’t play, please. Let’s be honest. He can’t play drums. He’s already dead sitting there. Keith Richard can’t play lead guitar either. Mick Jagger just be quiet. Bill Wyman, go to sleep and Brian Jones, well he’s ok. And unfortunally the only one worth it in that bad died young.

Don’t get any Cds by this awful band. The Who are wayyyyyyy much better, not to mention the Beatles and The Kinks.

ROLLING STONES “STICKY FINGERS”

WOW! WHO LIKES SUCH AWFUL TRASH SONGS LIKE BROWN SUGAR??? THE ROLLING STONES ARE DEFINATELY ONE OF THE WORST BANDS EVER AND THEY HAVE NEVER MADE ANYTHING DECENT EXCEPT START ME UP AND SHATTERED AND THEY SHOULD BE DISHONORED FOR MAKING SUCH AWFUL MUSIC ALONG WITH QUEEN U2 DOORS AND SABBATH. GET ANY METALLICA ALBUM INSTED.

Overrated album. Please The Stones can’t play music at all.

Look at the art cover of this CD. What are they? GAYS?? I think so. At least put the picture of a girl wearing jeans.

Don’t buy this. There’s so many great albums to be heard. Don’t waste your time on the Rolling Stones. It’s just a tourism journey in rock history. That’s it.

Charlie Watts, someone give him a little of blood.

Bill Wyman, bye bye.

Keith Richard, try to kill yourself with drugs.

Mick Jagger, fill your mouth with gum and shut up.

Brian Jones, the only musician in there, died.

RIHANNA “A Girl Like Me”

Hey kids! If you’re looking for music that’s as satisfying and refreshing as a frozen sugar cube, deeper than a pool that’s a foot deep and more exciting than watching paint dry, look no further than Rihanna’s album, A Girl Like Me! Listen to her wonderful studio-altered, digitally processed voice! Gasp at the thought-provoking lyrics about needing to be rescued, falling in love and wanting to make love all night long! Marvel at the synths, bleeps and squiggly sound effects that represent real reggae! Forget no-good corporate hacks like Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, Dennis Brown, Damian Marley, I Wayne and Sizzla, because Rihanna is the real deal and she wants you, boys! What an astounding, brilliant, masterfully crafted work of perfection! I like music, and I like Rihanna! She’s just as brilliant as amazing artists like Britney Spears, Good Charlotte and Simple Plan! They should all tour together, how great would that be? …

… Alright, enough already. I can’t keep this facade up any longer. That was just me channeling one of those incredibly enthusiastic, overzealous Rihanna marks that think she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. I wholeheartedly beg to differ. While her work ethic is to be commended somewhat (second album in 8 or 9 months, but all she contributes is her weak vocals), A Girl Like Me is just another example of what’s gone so horrible wrong with the music industry – the fact that labels still insist on pushing shallow disposable rubbish on everyone. Essentially what is wrong with this album is presented in the first paragraph as backhanded compliments.

On top of this, the fact that Rihanna is just another Beyonce wannabe (who herself is a Diana Ross wannabe) just makes matters worse – the overuse of melismas on this album is enough to drive any sane person mad. But what makes this album a special type of awful is the fact that it is being marketed as reggae. Now, there’s some people that feel that modern reggae artists (such as Elephant Man, Sean Paul, even Matisyahu) don’t hold a candle to the originators (like Marley and Tosh), but I have grown to enjoy it and recognize it as the evolution of the genre. However, Rihanna is as close to reggae as a band like Fall Out Boy is to punk – in other words, the term reggae must be used VERY loosely. An occasional Caribbean drum flourish and use of the dialect does not a reggae song make. This is much closer to a hybrid of Beyonce and Britney Spears, right down to keeping the barely legal Rihanna’s wardrobe budget low by having her prance around in only the skimpiest of outfits. I can just imagine these comments from the director at one of her video shoots: “Hey, Rihanna, what are you doing out here in your underwear? Didn’t that outfit that we ordered arrive yet? What’s that? The record label wouldn’t front the money to cover the cost of the wardrobe? Oh well, I guess we’ll shoot anyway. One thing is certain: The teenage boys will love this video.”.

In summary: A Girl Like Me is only worth checking out if you can’t get enough of banal, vacuous pop garbage. This is not reggae, ska, soca, etc. It’s bubblegum pop, and it’s a style that has run its course and is becoming very irritating. It’s easy to market, and that’s why MTV is playing the video every 10 minutes. Speaking of the single, it’s really just juvenile lyrics buttressed by the melody of Soft Cell’s version of “Tainted Love” – nothing special at all. The rest of the album is equally shallow pop with only a slight Caribbean influence, bookended by remixes of songs from Rihanna’s last album. I urge you to look past MTV and “hit music” stations to find better music, reggae or otherwise.

Before discussing the beastly new album by Rihanna, let’s just reflect on her propitious debut album Music of the Sun. Though it did have a couple garish tracks, Rihanna defined “Music of the Sun” with reggae-inspired songs all full of vim and vigor. Even if you only heard her radio hits, it was incontestable that songs like “Pon de Replay,” “If It’s Lovin’ That You Want,” and “Let Me.” Nonetheless, Rihanna’s new anthem “SOS” exemplifies the type of under-produced music on A Girl Like Me.

It was hysterical reading fans’ reviews of this craptastic album, as they claimed many more genres were explored on this album than the last, or that her voice is reaching new heights, or other lies. The truth is there are probably 4 tracks that are even plausibly acceptable. The rest of the album reeks more and more with each awful second that passes. I haven’t heard an album this bad since former American Idol William Hung’s Inspiration, which was, at the very least, laughable. A Girl Like Me isn’t a laughing matter at all.

A Girl Like Me is like heaven for the cynically inclined – appalling production, horrendous lyrics, heinous vocals, and loathsome impersonations. Seal would be embarrassed after hearing “Final Goodbye,” Rihanna’s faux-imitation “Kiss From A Rose.” The possible club joint “Break It Off” features an indifferent Sean Paul shouting random lyric over an overly digitalized beat. Why did Rihanna feel inclined to include to remix “If It’s Lovin’ That You Want”? For some reason, I think a Casio piano and midi samples were a major part of the production. The worst track on this album (though it is debatable) is coincidentally Rihanna’s next single “Unfaithful.” The lyrics “I feel it in the air/ as I’m doing my hair” should tell all without me having to point out the whiny vocals or the overdramatic piano and simulated violins. Or maybe the worst three minutes of my life were spent listening to “A Million Miles Away,” which features a piano and guitar duet (as many other songs do). The difference here is that this song would have been a real power ballad if it hadn’t been for the fact that Rihanna was singing it. Her vocals wreak havoc upon this poor defenseless song.

Reggae was a major production tool with Rihanna’s debut CD. However, every single attempt at reggae on this album fails. “Dem Haters” is just boring. Rihanna attempts a bit of slow ska on “Selfish Girl” and “Crazy Little Thing.” Attempts. Both songs sound like futile versions of No Doubt’s “Underneath It All,” lacking an energetic horn line (as well as energy altogether), not to mention actual instruments, and pleasing vocal harmonies.

After all of that harping, decent songs (though few) do exist on A Girl Like Me. “Kisses Don’t Lie” is a relaxing flashback to Music of the Sun with its reggae influence and bright chorus. Formidable bass supports the amiable acoustic guitar and reminiscent Rihanna’s nostalgic tone in “We Ride.” A luscious flute fits compactly into the aforesaid musical formula during “P.S. (I’m Still Not Over You).”

So, what did I learn from wasting my time on A Girl Like Me? Rihanna’s can’t sing, write lyrics, and doesn’t know what a good song sounds like since she has turned the art of making music into an unimaginative color-by-number portrait. I have also learned that I would never want anything to do with a girl like Rihanna ever again.

BLACK SABBATH

When it came out at the theatres, Rob Reiner’s now cult classic rock mockumentary “This is Spinal Tap” went down like the proverbial Led Zeppelin. Until I listened to this unintentional comic gem, I never understood why. Now it is all utterly, terribly clear.

From its opening church bells, it is a simple wonder listening to these Brummie Beelzebub-lovers forging heavy rock cliches of every conceivable stripe before your very ears. Cheesy, farty and, most of all, inept guitar solos, harmony and unison between guitar and bass, silly lyrics about Lucifer, portentous snare rolling from a man named Geezer, feedback for Britain – it’s right here, literally with bells on.

And that’s why, in 1982, no one thought Spinal Tap was funny. With this sort of bone headed ludicrosity still a painful memory, it WASN’T.

So if you should come upon Black Sabbath’s eponymous debut album, comedy enthusiasts, fill your boots: Anyone earnestly looking to explore the origins of heavy rock, prepare to experience only the gaping horror of discovering how utterly inane it all really was.

Olly Buxton

Here’s is my theory: Black Sabbath buys Led Zeppelin’s first two albums, listens to them over and over, and goes into the studio to record their first two albums, which is actually regurgitated pieces of Led Zeppelin’s first two albums. They even borrow the “gloom and doom” shtick, but lack Zep’s nuance, charm, insight & humor. Paranoid is a monument to schlock and artifice. Despite being derivative and clunky, however, Black Sabbath inspired many others to likewise celebrate their lack of virtuosity and musical calling, paving the way for punk rock. Paranoid is an ugly job, but somebody had to do it.

VELVET UNDERGROUND AND NICO

I bought this album because this smart guy in school is always talking about it and I thought, “Hey, bet he likes cool bands like Incubus and Hoobastank, I should check this out.” I mean, “Velvet Underground” sounds like “Velvet Revolver”, right? So I was expecting some sweet licks and solos like Slash might pull out, or maybe some awesomely screaming vocals that ROCK the paint off the walls!

Well let me tell you, none of that is to be found.

The album starts off with a little toy xylophone. A TOY XYLOPHONE! Come on! How the hell can your name sound like “Velvet Revolver” and you put little tinkly xylophones in there? It made me want to turn it off immediately, but I pushed through. After some songs, one of them was bluesy and stuff, I get to this song with a viola. I mean, do any of these guys know how to rock? The lead singer just mumbles his way through things, Lou Reed, lead talker! As for the instrumentation, the guitars are sloppy and the drummer is so simplistic, I mean, I bet these guys can’t dance AT ALL, and certainly not to the decidedly UN-phat beats on this crap CD.

My other problem is that this CD is just not from the streets. I mean, they claim to be “Underground” but come on, Nico? She’s not Beyonce, she’s not even Ashanti. Ja Rule wouldn’t be caught dead dueting with her, so why the hell is she on this album if it’s so great? And Lou Reed would never stand up to 50 Cent. OK, so they hung out with Andy Warhol who survived getting shot, but he got shot by some lady, it’s not the same as when a Gangsta shoots you.

In conclusion, this album is decidedly poor. Sloppy instruments, a tired lead singer, and a lack of rockitude force me to recommend New Found Glory or Dave Matthews Band if you want to get down. G-Unit if you want something street. Velvet Underground if you want to waste money.

THE WHO “QUADROPHENIA”

For years I had heard, and so I guess just presumed, that this “album” was some kind of high watermark of creativity and thoughtful artistry reflecting something geniuslike in Pete Townshend. So I finally bought it. I listened to it and read the lyrics in the little book.

It was basically stupid, in my opinion, reflective of the same fragmented-nothing clusters of nonsensical words which are just powered-over by lots of sounds, to give stoned kids in the 70s the impression something profound is happening.

Exactly the same thing as Led Zeppelin’s “Physical Grafitti” album. Very cool music supporting incomprehensible clusters of either nothing or almost nothing words. Such a waste of technical musical talent, to have no substance at all behind it.

And I say this as a friend of The Who. One who can still listen to Who’s Next millions of times over (OK, maybe with brief interregnums to air out a little).

I’m just impressed with how much of the 70s inertia of coolness has, for me, masked for so long such stupid thematic propositions–exemplified by this Quadraphenia waste of whatever.

It must have been the drugs. Because the words are nothing new. Same old stuff about being the first to nail the virgin who looks really exciting, or laying back in a sea of liquid hallucinating, bla bla bla.

You can tell I really regret blowing $31.00 on this at Borders, and that same night telling my teenage daughter I didn’t like the Limp Bizkit lyrics on the CD she was getting. Some overweight, greedy executive of some media company has gotten the last laugh out of this pointless waste of money.

But I still like The Who.

NIRVANA “NEVERMIND”

Sarcasm, sloppiness and poor personal hygiene, do not constitute “brilliance”. It usually constitutes drug abuse, mental illness, and little else. The exception being Syd Barrett (Go google the name you, ignorant little s***) This is the musical equivalent of puking into a bucket (which Kurt Cobain often did, charming.) The only competent musician in the band, is Dave Grohl. He’s more Ginger Baker than John Bonham. Kurt Cobain once described his drumming as, “perfect metronome time”. That is quite possibly, the only statement Cobain ever made that I can say I agree with. This band is nothing more than a collection of cliches, examples: a) flipping the bird on the CD jacket photo, oh, how original. Who are you, Motley Crue in the 80’s? b) Smashing guitars (not the expensive ones, mind you) Pete Townshend (I’ll once again, give you a minute to google the name) was criticized in the 60’s (Whats that?) for smashing his guitars. it was implied that, he was ripping of Jimmy Hendrix (Yeah, look that name up). c) Neil Young (Come on, keep up) wore flannel in the 70’s. All though; in fairness, I must say, that I don’t know if Nirvana actually even wore flannel. Yes, Kurt Cobain’s death was tragic, quite tragic in fact. Not because he was an “artist” (though, not much of one) but rather because, he was someones son, husband, father, friend and band mate. My issues are with his, awful music, not him personally.

Trust me, my mom has this CD at home and it makes me want to die. Nirvana is the worst band ever. And who wants a baby swimming around in the ocean NAKED trying to catch a dollar on a fishing line? Unfortunately, Nirvana. Guess what this CD smells like. It’s not teen spirit. It’s not Nirvana (if you have listened to Weird Al, you will get that joke). It smells like horrible, yucky, grunge music. Do NOT waste your money on this crud!

I can’t believe 16 years later I still have to deal with this over-rated garbage being played in regular rotation on EVERY SINGLE ALT-ROCK STATION. They were over-rated in 1991, and they are over-rated now in 2007. If Kurt hadn’t blown his head off in his so-called “prime”, they’d have been washed-up and forgotten by now. When “In Utero” came out it received mediocre reviews and it seemed that Nirvana was about to finally disappear. But alas…BANG! And since people are morbid and love over-rated dead rock stars I’m doomed to hear “Come As You Are” 10 times a day for the rest of my days on this planet. Look, Nirvana did NOT revolutionize or invent alternative / grunge music. All they did was put it on MTV commercialize it. They didn’t do anything that hadn’t been done already during the punk-era of the 1970’s…and it was done even before that with John Lennon’s “Plastic Ono Band.” Kurt Cobain was at BEST a MEDIOCRE song writer and he was about the worst guitar player. The best thing to come out of this band was Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters. As far as I’m concerned, they can lock this garbage in the vault for all eternity along with Nirvana’s so-called “legacy.” The only legacy they left was ruining rock, rock-radio and inspiring an entire generation of talentless wannabe hacks.

Something tells me that Nirvana could have acheived as much musicality if they were banging on garbage cans as opposed to playing musical instruments. Everybody thinks it was Korn, but it was really Nirvana who were the true founders of this “nu metal” teenage angst garbage. You can blame Nirvana for all those annoying “mallcore” bands like Korn, Nickelback, and Linkin Park that have dominated the rock charts since the 1990s. Almost everything bad about today’s music started with Nirvana–monotone vocals that explode into raging screams, walls of distorted guitar noise, and whiney lyrics about how miserable life is.

Do you Nirvana fans really believe all the hype about Nirvana “killing off hair metal” and “saving rock n roll”? Nirvana had nothing to do with any of these things. Nirvana were not about music. They were about conformity, and nothing more. Just a corporate creation tailor made by a record company to exploit a fad, and separate a bunch of naive, whiney, immature, suburban teenagers from their money. They were the Backstreet Boys with guitars. The Linkin Park of 1988-1994. I hold Nirvana fully responsible for everything bad that has happened to popular music in the 90s and the 21st century. Their influence on the pop punk, emo, and nu metal genres is undeniable. They ruined music.

Thats what I begin to tell myself everyday why? why did my English teacher have to make my class review “landmark” albums of the 90’s. And why was I stuck with Nirvana’s Nevermind? The ironic thing is Nirvan’s nevermind is not even close to a landmark album at all. Nirvana has to be one of the most overrated bands of all time. With Kurt Cobain’s shrilled voice and wretched guitar skills it makes me wonder. Kurt Cobain can only play 3 cord guitar riffs which I can learn to master in under 15 minutes. Im not going to be on of those jerks and say “I’m happy Kurt is dead” because thats wrong, he is a human being and did not deserve to die. But that still doesnt give me sympathy to call this a good album. Most of the songs sound the same, and with the wretched guitar riffs it makes you wonder how stupid rolling stone is by putting Kurt Cobain 5th all time greatest guitarists.

Lets see, yet another collection of the same ten Nirvana songs we’ve all heard ad nauseam hundreds of times. Nirvana were the most corporate, commercial, dare I say MANUFACTURED band to ever come out of the 80s. These guys were so slick and contrived, they would make New Kids on the Block look like a brutal underground hardcore punk band!

Yes, Nirvana truely were the “Good Charlotte” of the 80s. Slick, contrived, corporate, and tailor made to exploit whatever trends were hot in the 80s and 90s. Just listen to their 1989 debut “Bleach”. That whole album was nothing more than a shallow and obvious attempt to take advantage of the anti hair metal backlash that was going strong at the time. Its like the record company executives said “Hey, a lot of people out there don’t like Bon Jovi and Poison. Lets manufacture an anti hair band to take advantage of that trend”

Make no mistake about it, Nirvana were not the “saviors of rock” that rock critics make them out to be. They were nothing more than a corporate rock hit machine, made up by their record company, and it is so blatently obvious. They made at least a dozen videos for MTV. They had an “Unplugged” special on MTV. They signed multi million dollar record deals with Geffen Records. They even wore matching flannel outfits! They promoted themselves on Saturday Night live. Their T shirts were widely available at suburban malls. Wake up, Generation Xers! Are your drug ravaged minds really that stupid? Your idol Kurt Cobain was a fake! A phoney! A blatent marketing scam! Every time he claimed to be against commercialisim, it was all a lie!

Nevermind is, above all things, uncreative. Nirvana and its frontman Kurt Cobain did nothing for America’s youth, and yet plenty of them yell until they’re blue in the face that he has. Well, what has the guy done for you? Prevented you from committing suicide? Nope, sorry, but that’s just a cliched secondhand sentence used by every teen that has a temper tantrum over not getting their allowance. Again, what’d he REALLY do for you? Nearly thirteen years after its release, and Nevermind is still for those who dress in all dark colors and mope. They are ignorant popular youth who wish they were rejects but aren’t. They are called “The Beautiful Popular Freaks”. Aside from Nirvana, they enjoy listening to Avril Lavinge and Puddle of Mudd. And if they even know of amazing bands like The Smashing Pumpkins and Blind Melon, they consider them “oldies”. They enjoy giving anyone different from them the finger. I swear, the next time I see another Nirvana fan try to give someone the finger, I’m going to remind them to put it back up their Nirvana-loving backside where it’s always been.

And if you’ve seen real high school rejects, believe you me, you wouldn’t want to be in their shoes because the “popular beautiful freaks” make their lives a living hell just like everyone does. These “popular beautiful freaks” are still singing Nirvana’s praises when they wouldn’t know good music if it blindsided them. The only thing depressing about life is the fact that our nation’s youth can’t do for themselves and look to bands like Nirvana to speak for them. Do you really want a heroin junkie, a drunk stoner, and the leader of a band immaturely called Probot to be putting words into your mouth? Because if you are, then what the hell could you possibly have to say that anybody cares about? If you really want something to create and admire, you should start your own revolution instead of looking to somebody else like Kurt Cobain to do it for you.

is it just me? but what the h#ll do people see in this band, or more importantly its “genius” founder kurt cobain? this is just horrible, plain and simple probably the most piss poor music i have listened to in my entire life, i really mean that, but what is really a mystery in my mind is how overrated this band and kurt nobrain really are, i mean they put nirvanas

“nevermind” #2 on the top 100 albums of all time, what retard decided that? probably some record executive who doesn’t know music from the sound that comes out of his @$$ hole, it just shows you that music today is all about the money now, oh well.

i hate how people go around saying how nobrain (yes i intentionally spelled it that way) is a musical genius or a master lyracist, or one of the greatest guitarists, it makes me want to puke and then question my existance because this guy is one of the most horrible muscians to ever grace this little blue planet, he did the world a favor when he gave himself a 12 gauge buckshot upside the head. it is horrible how people talk of his “greatness” esspescally when mtv will run those pathetic special tributes to him, this guy could hardy play guitar, it makes me laugh so much to see this loser play his crappy 3chord

moan about life songs, the guy sounds like a god dam zombie when he sings and he is definatly one of the worst guitar players in the history of rock. how is it that he got so much fame when he sucks? hm,well maybe that tells you something about the people who listen to music today, if you ever looked at the people in the crowd at a nirvana concert, they all look mindless and devoid of life, kinda like nobrains music, these are people that have no mind and will beleve what people tell them to beleve and listen to crap music and belive it is awsome because its what is hip or popular, its really a sad state of affairs. whats even worse though is that nirvana inspired a wave of crap rock that currenty congests the airways and record stores,hey thanks nobrain,thanks for ruining music.

Grunge (thankfully) died along with Kurt Cobain a decade ago. Did the stamping-out of hair metal really work to the world’s advantage? In my opinion, hell no. The surfacing of grunge gave hundreds of talentless, undeserving people careers just because of their “homeless chic” look and persona. Grunge is all about image and nothing more. Would you call a band grunge if its members never wore flannel and jeans regularly and didn’t have choppy guitar riffs? No, you wouldn’t. Now we’re subjected to grunge rip-off bands that include the likes of Smile Empty Soul and Three Days Grace because of the sh*t Kurt made popular. At least hair metal bands gave us something to rock and shout about. Take, for instance, Twisted Sister. They were an innovative, talented group of crossdresser metal musicians who sang about how those of us who are considered “freaks” don’t “have to take it anymore” (meaning being put down for our straying from what society considers “normal”). What did Kurt have to rock and shout about? Well, um, he had his own heroin addiction to whine about, and that was all. He also shouted about the Vanity Fair article that rightly portrayed him and his wife as the dope-shootin’, child neglectin’ unfit parents they are. By the way, I should also mention that Kurt made death threats directed at the writer of said article because she let the world know the of Kurt and Courtney’s neglect of their child. So much for Kurt’s support for womens’ rights! He repeately said he’d bash her head in. He was such a f*ck up!Nobody wants to hear about somebody else’s problems you can’t relate to when you could hear about ones that you actually can? No alienated teen out here can honestly relate to Kurt, because he was pushing 30 years old, and had more money than any of us will ever see in our lifetimes combined.

The first wave of Grunge rock (which dominated the music scene until 1994) emerged when record companies, distraught at the rapid decline of ’80s hair bands, decided to co-opt the old concept of punk rock and cash in on the vague frustration experienced by every youthful generation. Bands like Nirvama capitalized off Generation X’s antipathy and served basically as a puppet for their own record company, while at the same time, selling out the indie credibilty to a mainstream faction of corporationalism. Talent was easy to come by because of this putrid movement’s aesthetic of ambiguously angry lyrics masked by turgidly repetitive guitar riffs distorted to hide their musical deficiencies. Every one of these groups was nearly interchangeable, as Pearl Jam sounded just like Stone Temple Pilots sounded just like fill-in-the-blank.

Hell, they even sang alike and all dressed in nicely coordinated flannel shirts and muddy-brown corduroy pants from the Gap (these being those distant times before our nation’s insatiable appetite for cargo pants was discovered). Every summer or so the grunginess would congregate at the Lollapalooza festival, an event which the San Francisco Chronicle later described as “a generation becoming a caricature of itself.”

The increasingly fickle public couldn’t be held rapt with a genre as quintessentially boring as grunge for long, and so the music industry flung at them an increasing array of splinter-marketed groups, some of which stuck, but most didn’t. Rap and the whole hip-hop lifestyle truly came into its own, despite a penchant for firearms and sampling `80s classic rock songs. The genre’s success was probably due in no small part to the truly moribund nature of rock n’ roll.

Nirvana broke big. Nowadays, our music stations and channels are flooded with rap and rap-rock fusion. I see how everbody and their mother classifies Nirvana as “Alternative”, but the true meaning of anything alternative, whether it be music or a way of life, has to do with its unconventional nature. Nirvana was as conventional and formulatic as music gets. They were absolutely predictable, as was Kurt Cobain, who did something all of us expected he would; he killed himself. He gave in to the cliche that all rockers should “live fast and die young”. He was the ultimate conformist who loved bands including the likes of yuppie artsy-fartsy bands like Beat Happening. Kurt even had a tattoo that comemorated the corporation of K Records. Oddly enough it was owned and managed by Calvin Johnson, the Beat’s yuppie singer! How Punk Rock <snicker>!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Nirvana were an okay band for their time, but now in 2006, they’re no longer relevent. In music history, there are only two kinds of bands. The legends, who actually contributed something important to music, and the flashes in the pan, who fell by the wayside and don’t deserve to be remembered anyway. And if I had to put Nirvana in one of these two categories, it would definately be in the second category I just described. Contrary to what Rolling Stone and Spin magazines would have you believe, Nirvana are not “legends”. They were just a fad for a few years back in the late 80s/early 90s and nothing more. I’m sure you Generation Xers were enthralled by Kurt’s angst ridden screams back in 1991, but this is not 1991 anymore! Its 2006, and today Kurt Cobain’s anguished cries of teenage angst just seem corny and dated. What kind of whiney loser sings about teenage angst when he is pushing 30? Because that’s how old Kurt was when he died…27 years! A decade beyond adolescence, and still whining about how hard that time was for him? What a whiney loser! I’m 21 right now. Now wouldn’t it be silly for me to be complaining about how hard my life was for me when I was 8 or 9 years old? Well that’s the kind of lyrics Kurt wrote…..nothing but prepubescent teenage angst poetry from the time he went through pubery way back in the 1970s! Hey Kurt, you’re in your late 20s! Get over it! And the same thing goes for you Generation Xers who are stuck in YOUR adolescent years! If you can still “relate” to Kurt Cobain’s teenage angst poetry, than its time to face reality and grow up. You’re not a teenager any more. Stop saying you’re “angst ridden”! Nobody cares! Nirvana is $HIT!

CREAM “DISRAELI GEARS”

When I heard this I couldn’t believe my ears : YIKES!!!!This is really BAD BAD music, very BAD and UNINSPIRED.

It is just a bunch of UGLY DUMB sounds and the guitarrists can’t even play and the drummer sounds like Terry from my class who had ADHD and the girl who sings sounds like she has to go potty all the time.

I like music but this is oreful!

Yet another classic that only became popular because their audience was stoned. Blaring, muddy, unmusical crud.

If like pretentious, excessive rock n roll this album may be for you. There are a few good songs, but for the most part it is annoying as hell.

RUSH “2112”

The “plan 9 from outer space” of music,

this album is terribly funny, but i would probably never listen to it. rush is really an extremely mediocre band and this album is nothing other than tasteless plagiarism of bands like yes, king crimson, genesis, not to mention authors like ayn rand. probably the most unintentionally funny album ever released. but since it is made by rush, it is still quite unlistenable. get something like “close to the edge”, “the lamb lies down on broadway”, or “trout mask replica”

I love guitar music, but I couldn’t get past the whiny vocals. They are horrible. I would like to know who taught the lead singer how to sing. He is pathetic.

RUSH “MOVING PICTURES”

One must put up barriers…

…to protect oneself from the Pearts and Portnoys of this world. Only buy this album for the “great drumming” if you like your drumming busy and soulless.

Fellow musicians may admire their radiant technical abilities but, to most of us, Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson, better known as Rush, make a pretty hideous combination. Not only are Mr. Lee’s high-pitched vocals capable of startling every canine within a five mile-radiance of his revolting shriek, but his lyrics are some of the most pretentious, ridiculous and overtechnical blather in rock history. In the background, Mr. Peart and Mr. Lifeson meander on, spewing instrumentation that is as clean-cut and precise as one could hope, but does not have a drop of soul. A gratuitous layer of synthesizers completes this smooth, anti-septic product. Even Moving Pictures, their most accessible album (that at least spares listeners the Ayn Rand garbage) is an overglossed, hollow, lifeless creation. I may not know how to tune a guitar by ear or how to use a capo but I think I can tell that Rush is a…band.

LED ZEPPELIN “ZOSO”

Overrated album, Overrated band, overrated everything.

Zeppelins music is the most boring music I have ever listened to. Even the late garbage drugged up albums of the dying hippies have more to offer than Led Zeppelin.

Grow up and get over yourselves Led Zeppelin fans. This album offers nothing.

Anyone who can sit through a whole Led Zeppelin song should pack up and move into the woods and live alone with their dog, using wood for heat and moss and bark for food.

This review is from: Led Zeppelin IV (MP3 Music)

I’m a big time rock n roll fan, my favorite rockers are Matchbox 20, Nickelback, Creed, Staind, Collective Soul, and R.E.M… But lately some of these oldies bands are tryin’ to pass off as ‘legendary’ rock groups.. How can a band call themselves legendary if they don’t have music videos on MTV? and where are the Dubstep bass drops? How about lyrics that talk about driving a 64 impala with 32 inch rims!? None of these are found here! I decided to give Led Zeplane a chance and I almost fell asleep! The vocalist for Led Zeplane .. David Lee Roth has no idea what he is doing.. he needs to take a few lessons from Nickelback. The guitarist on here sounds worse than a 3rd grader who has never touched a guitar before…I had to stop this album after the 3rd track because I could no longer take it!!!!!!

Let me start by stating what an absolute waste of time and brain cells it would be to review this album track by track. The only other exercise I can conceive of that would be as gratuitous a task would be of course to actually listen to it track by track. This one is, as we all know, Led Zeppelin’s masterpiece. It has nearly 1,000 total reviews and over 750 5 star ratings, which begs the obvious question: How can 750+ people all be this stupid? Well I have noticed an inordinate number of spelling errors amongst the Zep fans here, even when it comes to the group’s own songs. Lots of “Immagrant Song”‘s for example, which is particularly embarrassing given that it’s written before them both on Amazon and on the cd. But this isn’t about the fans or belittling their intellectual credentials or lack there of. This would have to be a five part essay bare minimum if it were.

I want to take the opportunity to sum up every momentous aspect of what makes up the venerable and fierce Led Zeppelin. I will put it in a nutshell because that’s where it belongs.

In October 1967 a child named Rob Van Winkle was born. Undoubtedly, no one knew that great things lay ahead for this wee lad. 22 years later, Mr. Van Winkle is all grown up and has become a pop star, or rather more accurately a rap star. If the name doesn’t sound familiar to you, he is perhaps better known as his rap stage name, “Vanilla Ice”. I’ll wager that even Zeppelin fans, notoriously elderly and likely approaching the advanced stages of senility, have heard of hip-hopper extraordinaire “Vanilla Ice”. Now, I’m not Vanilla’s biographer and I don’t claim to know much about the sad man other than the obvious. He was a talentless hack influenced by a style of music that he had no ability to build upon, only mimick very badly and he caught the attention of some puppeteer in the music business. To make a short story (his career) even shorter, he proceeded to greedily devour every common rap lyrical theme and musical idea and then regurgitate this pilfered material to a white, middle class audience. He was watered down. He was a fraud. He was a hack, but he was white and so the music that he stole had a ready made audience. At the time, white rappers were a novelty and also probably more user friendly to a white, suburban audience. We all know Vanilla bit the dust hard and has had his face kicked in it ever since, but his mentor, the man at whose feet he must have studied, is still a revered rock God. Why?

Now I don’t know personally what Mr. Ice’s feelings about Led Zeppelin are. I’m merely speculating that as a young man he must have taken notes at Robert Plant’s masterful ability to imitate black musicians and churn out third rate, derivative material to a musically uninformed, white audience. Robert Plant was Vanilla Ice before there was Vanilla Ice. This is your legacy.

“Stairway To Heaven” is consistently voted greatest rock song on virtually any “classic rock” radio station under the sun. This is a problem for anyone who recoils at the words “classic rock” because it’s invariably linked with the worst aspects of 70’s masturbatory rock. This is a point no doubt lost on Zeppelin fans, but having such a “great band” played inbetween hacks like Foreigner and Whitesnake would make me re-evaluate the way I thought of them. Maybe that’s the problem. Led Zeppelin gave birth to heavy metal in all it’s various and sad guises. It also gave birth to the uninspired corporate rock of acts like Foreigner (lyrical preoccupations much like Robert Plant, always on women and sex). This is your legacy!

I couldn’t help but notice that the most helpful review on this disgrace of an album was written by someone who actually referred to the opening lines of “Black Dog” as “immortal”. Truly awe-inspiring is the fan’s ability to go beyond forgiving lyrical ineptitude and actually attempt to dress it up as something masterful. “Black Dog” is everything that’s absolute rubbish about Zep and more. A Blues pilfered piece of music with by now obligatory guitar tinkering from Page. It of course features the customary wailing and blues 101 lyrics from Robert Plant. An example: “hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby, dubi dubi dubi dubi wah”. Brilliant. Plant, who was working himself up to near orgasmic frenzy throughout the song must have decided to let the listener know what it sounds like when he finally climaxes. Much of Zep’s music was that way. Plant apparently simulating masturbation as he screeches and squeals like a mangy alleycat in heat. This is your legacy?

This album and The band Led zepplin in paticuilar couldnt be more overated. The gimmick is LOUDNESS. not musical skill and creativity as in jimi hendrix cream and great blues artists such as muddy waters and bb king. not a great voice as in queens freddie mecury. john lennon or elvis presley. not excellent songwriting as in the beatles. bob dylan. and frank zappa. not orginality as in the rolling stones. deep purple. or black sabbath. but just loud obnioxuis singing about degrading sexaul situiations. not that thats a bad thing but the way zep presents it is ridicolus the lemon song? give me a break! self indulgent talentless guitar playing with very little soloing. when this guy does do solos it sounds so bad it sure to get you pressing the mute button. try good guitarists like jimi hendrix. eric clapton. duane allman. and chuck berry. much better than this goon. john paul jones did just enough to get by i have a friend whos a better bass player than him. but truth be told john bonham is a good drummer so if you think its worth buying the album for the drums be my guest and purchase zepplin iv today. if you dont save your money on more talented bands. oh and by the way if you wanna buy the album for stairway to heaven youre sure to catch its one millionth playing on the radio soon in your car. so i wouldnt worry about it.

In what may be the most elaborate and deliberate display of sonic self-diddling caught on wax, these arena rock harlots stroke their tools for 42 and a half minutes and, in perhaps what stands as the most compelling argument against doing very much acid, fans would literally lose all control of their bodily functions after Robert Plant rained down nipple sweat on their slithery, barnacled tongues. This frothy prattle is for jerkwads who pepper everyday conversations with Pippi Longstocking and J.R.R. Tolkien references. Jimmy Page’s approach to the guitar is akin to a suburban dad trying to crank up a flooded weedwacker. Like he’s running a slave labor factory somewhere in Malaysia, brought to you by Budweiser. Take it or leave it, I’ll … OK, I’ll just leave it.

Hey hey all, what is down?? Wow, every time I turn on the radio, all I hear is songs from this lame, dated album!! The singer is like a dying whiney girl, the guitar playa only plays like 4 cords, the bassist isn’t even plugged in, and the drummer is just a lazy oaf hitting stale bread!! For better musik, I would recommend you play Korn, Linkin Park, Fall Out Boy, Atreyu, Taking Back Sunday, Limp Bizkit, Staind, My Chemical Romance, Kidd Rock and the legendary Michael Jackson!! Go Bengals!! The bengals will be football’s 2007 champs!!

A .. .A.. AD.AJDADJ..F…… THEY WERE MUCH BETTER ON MASTER OF PUPPET..S……..

I AM ON FIRE RIGHT NOW, PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE TONE:

DOOD

DOOD

HELLO MAMA MAY I SHAKE YOUR THANG GONNA MAKE YOU FERN GONNA MAKE YOU STINK!!!

ALFAJSDLFJASLDFJASFL;DKJF

……YEAH SIMPLE PLAN,,, YOU JUST KEEP BEING STUOOOPID!!!

yes ladies and gentleman i know its hard to believe but in led zapplins song “stairway to heaven” if you play it backwards there is a satanic message…..i can give you proof…but first i want to say is in the song “stairway to heaven” if you listen to the phrase backwards there is a message….

song played forward-

“if theres a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now. its just a spring clean for the May queen. Yes there are two paths you can go by,But in the long run. there’s still time to change the road your on”

song played backward-

“oh heres to my sweet satan. the one whose little path would make me sad, whose power is satan. He’ll give those with him 666,there was a little toolshed where he made us suffer, sad satan”

[…]

believe me?

These guys are more powerful than Jesus, and popular too. Gods kneel before them, so should you. Every man, woman, and child worship the ground which Led Zeppelin walks. Nothing in the history of the universe is as great as Zeppelin. I mean look at these guys:

1.John Bohman: Greatest drummer in history. He should be exalted as the greatest person ever to die! Zeppelin loved him so much they quit!

2.John Paul whatever his name is: What an awesome bass. It almost like John Enstwistle from the Who, only 9999999999999 times better. This is the voice of awesomeness.

3.Jimmi Paige:Oh my goodness, the greatest guitar player ever. He is so great he ripped off all the blues masters! Only Jimmi Paige would be so genious, Everyone should worship Jimmi Paige like the megagod that he is. Anyone who worships foreign guitar gods like Jimmy Hendrix, Toni Iommi, and Angus Young should die!!!!!!!

4.Robert Plant: The greatest of them all! Who else sounds more highpitched than a moaning woman! He makes my little sister sound like a man, anyone who sounds so girly should be given burnt sacrifices and incense. Anyone who listens to true unripful geniouses like Roger Daltrey and Ozzy Osbourne should be hanged!!!! Those two should be incinerated to the dust!!!!! Robert Plant is the megaverse!!!!!!!

Led Zeppelin is the it!!!! Everything else is meaningless!!!! Its better than water, food, breathing, living, and even existing!!!!!!!! I condemn all who listen to the Who, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple and Pink Floyd!!!!!! This album is the greatest thing ever, mortals should bow before it, we should base our society off of all Zeppelin!!!

(If you believe any of this crap, go to your room, listen to some ubercrapped up overated, disgustingly overated, horible, Led Zeppelin album, cry like a little girl, and then start moaning until it sounds like you’re getting screwed by an elephant, and do us all a favor and just don’t exist.)

Please, for the love of God, someone cut out Robert Plant’s vocal chords

Thank you Led Zep! You, this album, and the bloated “Stairway to Heaven” created the pompous arrogance that gave punk something to rebel against. As a result we got great bands like The Clash who, musically speaking, left your flatulent dinosaur in the dust.

BEATLES “SGT. PEPPER”

ROCK PHOOZLE

I understand music was judged VERY differently back in the 60s, but the truth is, without the Beatles’ name, this overhyped album would have long since disappeared and no one would remember it today!

After “Magical Mystery Tour” this is the worst Beatles album of all! It’s more like a Paul McCartney solo album with all the superficial, shallow blandness that that implies! Even On John’s songs, you can hear Paul McCartney the record company hack systematically destroying everything that made the Beatles great! No wonder Lennon retreated into Heroin addiction! It must have hurt him to be SCREWED OVER by his old partner!

Apart from Lennon’s “A Day In The Life”, most of these songs are simply insipid trash! John would NEVER have consented to making an album like this back in 1964! “When I’m Sixty Four” is perhaps the worst Beatles song since Paul wrote “Yesterday”. How anyone UNDER 64 could like it is beyond me!

Beneath the colourful psychedelic soundscapes, most of the actual songs can’t even be called rock! You can’t dance to them! Even by 60s standards,SPLHCB is old fashioned, mainstream, mediocre and Middle-of the Road!Far from being a groundbreaking “concept album”, it is utterly devoid of artistic merit, meaningful themes, or thought provoking statements! It’s only wasteful self-indulgence! True Rock Music is supposed to celebrate Youthful rebellion! This Tin Pan Alley cocktail music would put an entire retirement home to sleep! In my view, the Beatles would never have lost an ounce of stature if they had NEVER made this album! They would have been just as great without it! Just because the Beatles recorded it doesn’t mean it’s any good!

This album ,when examined objectively 42 years later, seems to belie the radical societal and subcultural changes brought about in the 60s! It could almost be a soundtrack for people who blindly venerated the Vietnam War! It certainly had NO BEARING whatsoever on the era’s emerging counterculture!

Even Pete Townshend criticised the Beatles for recording this snore-fest, saying that they were losing touch with the kids! Weren’t most teenagers at this time buying Monkees albums instead of this rip-off!

I have always wanted a forum to express my views about this particular album, but, nonetheless, have been brutally silenced by those who wax poetic about Sgt. Pepper “speaking for a whole generation” and the “melifluous nature” of this “grand work of art.” If indeed this is a work of art, which gets into a discussion of post-modernism that is not particularly germaine to what I am writing, it is an overrated work of art. The propaganda machine that put the buzz in place about Sgt. Peppers was already well established in the U.S. by this time, and, considering the release date, it doesn’t surprise me that it received the attention it garnered. But give me a break! Thirty-two years hence and people are still calling this one the greatest pieces of music in the twentieth century? I can hear the moans from the aging boomers in their castles in the suburbs (on ground that used to be precious farmland) chiding me for my ignorance. Yet, I have seen your dream, I have seen what the countercultural haze left for my generation, and I realize that this specific piece of music rings of the same hollowness that this dream has become. Emptiness. Fatuous soulfulness turned into one-star Hollywood movies. All the dreams about turning back to the land and living peacefully with one another spurned for the big buck. This album, with all the hype surrounding it, speaks to me about how you boomers did not have the guts to live out the dream of peaceful revolution. It is an inferior piece of music representing an inferior generation. Peace be with you.

Now I hope that you can agree with me that it’s not really enjoyable to hear people talk about times before you were born, or have them play cds from their younger days, because it’s impossible for us to relate to that stuff. Now me, I have a dad that will try to no end to get me to listen to old stuff that he deems as “important” and “meant something” to him ages ago. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that it’s foolish for him when he tells me I “need to grow up”, when HE is still stuck in the era of hippys and be-boppers. YOU need to grow up, dad. Anyways, dad found out that I am building up some momentum as a professional review writer, and HE thinks I need to review some of the “classics” to gain more credebility. He handed me 3 dusty old records and said “It would mean a lot to me if my son would listen to his father’s three favorite albums”. Now in the past my dad’s records were something I sneak out of the sleeves when he’s at work and play frisbee with Morris (my dog). But his birtday is next week so I figured that my present to him would be to review them. It’s the least I can do considering he bought me a Volkswagen Cabrio for my birthday last year.

These will not be your typical Tuttleman reviews, because since I simply cannot relate to the 50’s and 60’s and 70’s, I have no personal experience to relate these to. Sorry guys, please bare with me. Ok, here it goes.

I’m putting it on the record player right now. It says “mono” so this must be a pre-stereo artifact LOL. Ok…crowd noise….Hmmm. There is a guitar now that sounds like motorcycle rock. I thought the Beatles were before motorcycle rock. Maybe it was ahead of it’s time or something. Ok, i’m looking at the packaging while it’s playing now…..Oh My God! There’s a cardboard sheet where you can cut things out and one of them is a MUSTACHE! That would look hilarious on my dog Morris. Maybe later. Next song is kind of like Hillbilly music because of the guys voice. YEEE-Haw! Ok, next song is like weird drug music. Next one….kind of motorcyle rock mixed with drug rock. Now sort of soft drug rock. Hmmmm… the cover doesn’t even say “Beatles” anywhere on it. We’ll have to change that right now….God, they look like such deranged, doped-up hippys it’s not even funny. This must be after Lennon died. Why would my dad ever listen to this when he swears that he never did drugs? Ok, just got done with a sad Disney style song….Weird! the next song is like..Circus clown music.

Alright, now I have to walk over and flip the record or whatever. What a dumb concept. Ok, now it’s like uh…oriental music. This is taking forever. Ok, now what the heck is with this next one?! It’s like a showtune or something, but with a really crappy horn! Whoever played the horn for the Beatles shoud have been thrown out of the band the second he pulled this crap. It sounds like he’s killing the horn. Now it’s an upbeat song with animal noises. Next, they play the first song over again (that’s original). And the last one is like a slow song….no, now it’s upbeat. Ok, at the end the symphony apparently got all doped up and had a swordfight with all of their instruments. Then there’s a bonus track of noise that plays over, and over, and over, and over, until you can’t take it anymore and throw the cardboard case at the record player like a frisbee.

In conclusion, this record makes me even more glad I wasn’t born in the 50’s or 60’s or 70’s, or whatever. The best part about it ended up being the cardboard mustache cut-out which looks really funny on a dog, but you will need to use masking tape or something. The record also has just about every instrument ever on it, but unless I missed it, they STILL couldn’t find room for a single harmonica. So there you have it: Pre-motorcycle-hillbilly-circus-clown-oriental-showtune-animal-noise-drugged-out-hippy-rock, I guess you could call it. Happy Birthday, hippy. Stay tuned for the next 2 parts of the trilogy if I can make it through without my brain dying. Later.

BEATLES “WHITE ALBUM”

Okay, you guys should already know the drill by now, but I’ll fill in the other 5 or 6 of you that might not yet. Father’s day is here and I’m reviewing 3 of my dad’s favorite stupid, musty old records for his preasant. I did this for his birthday previously with Sgt. Pepper, Blonde or Blonde, and a stupid Beach Boys record. This time around, I’m going over the Stooges Fun House, this record, and Velvet Underground with Nico. I’m really not into all of this old crap, as you guys could see with the Birthday Trilogy, but whatever. He said that these 3 would be “more up my alley”, but so far I’m just confused. Anyways, here we go again.

Okay, great. Another Beatles record. Oh no, I mean TWO Beatles records in one. Didn’t you get the hint LAST time dad? I will give you the benefit of the doubt, ONLY because on the Pepper record, you could tell just by LOOKING at them that it was a drug-party record. They were in a huge colorful dream-world with silly little colorful costumes. The music pretty much sounded like how the cover looked. THIS one on the other-hand is just a white cover that says The Beatles and has a number on it-a bunch of zeroes and then 1022. Is that the name of the record? Who cares. Alright, it’s 2 records long and once again, there will not be any kind of stereo sound to it because this old relic is in…you guessed it, mono. You DO know what stereo is, right dad? Anyways, to shorten this review I’m going to listen to a side and then write about it afterwards. Maybe I will do the last side as it happens, so my review can end right when the stupid record does. And while I do this I’m going to color in the white cover with a sharpie to fool my dad. LOL! Okay, marker-caps off, put the swingy thing on the record, and…begin.

Okay, just listened to the first side. Here’s what I gathered from it. There was a cool airplane noise at the beginning, some fast-rock, some slow-rock, a weird island-bopper with really loud piano too. Then there was short burst of what sounded like screeching muppets. Then a cowboy-drug-song, a motorcycle rocker and a creepy gun-rock be-bopper. Now I have to turn it over, and I just got really discouraged because of how much I’m going to have to be doing this.

Alright, side two. Where to begin. In no specific order, there were songs a lot of animal-rock songs about pigs and birds and raccoons (played like drugs were involved). A sleepy song about drugs and a bizzare honky-tonky fiddle jam. Then songs about girls. As a side-note, I have almost completely colored the whole outer-shell of the record black now, with my marker. Since I’m only half done with the music, I will begin coloring the inside out of sheer boredom.

Alright, side three was pretty bizzare. It had a happy-birthday motorcycle rocker, a depressing blues-thing, a few slow songs thrown in, and a completely out of control song about a pet monkey, where it sounded like the guy was beating the crap out of a cow-bell, like his life depended on it. It was actually pretty neat. Makes me want to hit something with a stick like that. And there was this drug-freak-out that was out of control with screaming and out-of-tune guitars. They can’t keep the music under control. They irresponsibly bash away, and someone yells about hurting his fingers. That’s what happens when you recklessly play music like that, buddy. Anyways, every single inch of cardboard is now colored black, but with a bit of a purple sheen to it, because that’s just how magic-markers are. This record is wasting sooooooo much of my time, but the end is near.

Side 4, in progress now….a revolution-rocker..kind of boring….okay, a really embarrassing old-timey thing…why me? A funky food song…It’s kind of got some chunky horns on it….another boooooring slow rocker called cry-baby….and now a guy is saying “number nine” over and over and over and…..wha!? What!?…..make it stop! Oh my god….there is the most bizarre noises I’ve ever heard being made here…this is scaring the crap out of my dog (Morris) and me too…what the heck is going on!? How on earth to describe this? It’s kind of like…imagine if..like a symphony was on drugs and went to an insane asylum…and got attacked by lunatics….and kind of kept on playin their instruments while being ripped apart…and then somehow wound up crashing through the wall of a classy english dinner party….who didn’t notice what was going on and just went about their business….Oh my god!…it just doesn’t STOP…..This music has induced a complete 5 Skull rating cloud-nightmare in my head. It’s making me feel really ill. I know what it’s like to be on drugs now. Either that, or Hades. It’s getting so chaotic…worse…every…second…..WHEW! It’s over. I feel completely drained. Morris peed on the basement floor. I guess he needed to get outside and I was stuck in a trance for nearly 10 minutes. That stuff could make you go crazy FOR REAL. This probably sounds NORMAL to people on drugs. Dad, if grandpa knew what you were listening to back then he would have beat the CRAP out of you. That made me feel worse than any Marilyen Manson song ever did. Don’t ask me how, but that music WAS drugs. And to close it out, they cool it off with a soothing Disney-rocker, as if that could help you forget the cloud-nightmare. I don’t feel good. By the way, the record looks really great in all-black. Later.

Now, normally a healthy dose of LSD will do wonders for a pop band stuck in the middle of its career and trying to shed its old image. In this case, the fab 4 (the holy trinity of music if you listen to hippies) just waste four sides on noodling. I give this 2 stars instead of 1 for the 3-4 scattered listenable tracks like “Sadie”, “USSR”, “Helter Skelter”, maybe “Rocky Raccoon” if was on drugs, too. Going through school in the 80s I have had THE GOD ALMIGHTY BEATLES shoved down my throat as “THE BEST BAND EVER YOU MUST BELIEVE SO OR DIE” long enough. Truth is, the Beatles kinda suck, never more than here.

You know what? Most of their music is empty tunesmithing a la Burt Bacharach. The only reason ol’ Burt never caused such a ruckus is he had a bad haircut. That generation of people was so self-obsessed and greedy that it left a smite upon the face of America for over 30 years. All of that garbage about changing the world turned into a burned-out acceptance of the need to sell your soul for money. Rot in your beckoning grave. Take your “great” music with you.

Being born in 1975, I should outlive you by a fair stretch, and by the time the “boomers” are finally reduced to dust, I’ll be here still. You see, there is a little thing called ‘historical revisionism’ which my generation and those after it (if we are prescient enough) will use to reduce your obsession with all things Beatle to an incomprehensible fad like the hula hoop or bellbottoms. A time capsule that will be read by those alien to all of us in the future will dismiss your lack of vision as hedonistic idolization of youth culture. Real music from the same era: Johnny Cash at Folsom, Velvet Underground, The Doors, Miles Davis, CCR, The Monks, and a few others will last longer.

That is, if I have anything to say about it.

Stop buying the White Album. Go get something new and keep your blood circulating with discovery.

You cun’t say it out loud but this prod-uck-tion is UTTER FILTH, cranky songs with morose lieriggs, too bad about shortages, this banned was dead with the dead baseplayer and all.

these guys suck! they are just 4 irish noobs (one died in 1966, a second committed suicide in 1980) who got sick of eating potatoes & cabbage and decided to try to make “music” instead. this sorry bunch of “musicians” clearly had no taste – why did they leave the album cover blank?! the worst part is that they couldn’t even spell their band name right – it’s supposed to be spelled b-e-e-t-l-e-s

When they did Cry for a shadow or In spite of all the danger there was patential, but this crazed out blubber is just a cheesy con job with horrible lyrics and maladies.

No wonder it’s white!!

Garbage! Pure, unadulterated Garbage! This is music for lame-os who sit in their libraries drinking tea and discussing philosiphy. The beatles my foot! More like the Beetles that need to be exterminated…..NOW! Now some of the Beatles albums were OK, but this…. what the hell to you mean ‘The white album’? So stupid they couldn’t think up a name.

Come on, what’s all the fuss about? There were much better bands about in the 60s than these 4 dirty looking scallys from Liverpool. It’s a case of the Emperor’s new clothes, me thinks. Depressing isn’t the word for this dross. Then they went arty farty and gave us a white sleeved album. Thank God for Yoko Ono, she came on the scene and split up this rubbish. If only Paul McCartney would disappear like all good senior citizens should but sales of dark brown hair dye would plummet.

What at load of old rot. Don’t waste your money. If you’re looking for good British 60s music try The Hollies. Much better and vastly under-rated.

My friend’s mother’s brother gave it for my birthday I told him I like music from old history which is all gone now anyways he boaght me this well I hate it SERIOUSLY it is unbearable to listen to it gives me the shrivels! and where is paint it back?

DO NOT BUY YOU WILL REGRET IT!

BOB DYLAN “BLONDE ON BLONDE”

Ok, now this is the second review in the trilogy I’m doing for a birthday present for my dad. The first was Saergent Pepper, and now this Bob Dylan record. Once again, I apologize to my fans, seeing as I’m really not into these reviews. My dad wants me to review his favorite 3 records, so it’s now his birthday gift from me. I’ll state it again: I am unable to give any real life stories that relate to these records, since I was not around in the 50’s or 60’s or 70’s to experience them the way old people probably could. Alright, we’ll begin part 2 now.

Alright, pulling it out of the cardboard now. Whoa! I didn’t know I was going to have to review TWO records in one. Awww, come on. The cover is of this Bob Dylan guy, and his hair is absolutely out of control. What kind of music do you make with hair like that? Ok, here it goes….OH MY GOD! I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Imagine a marching band with a trombone and everything. Now imagine that the band is being led by a harmonica player! Hopefully it’s ALL like this. Ohhhh…oh boy. He started singing now. He sounds…I guess he sounds like he’s really old, really drunk, and maybe kind of injured. But MAN! The music is like Harmonica Overload! Oh, I get it. He’s not drunk, he’s “stoned” on drugs. That’s actually what he’s saying. Can’t he be arrested for telling people to “get stoned”? Whatever. There’s harmonica all OVER this thing. Why have I never heard of this?

Okay, the records are over (all 4 sides), and I’m in Harmonica Heaven….I couldn’t review every song because I was playing my harmonica along with the record the whole time. But I’m not letting it off the hook that easy. While the harmonica was outstanding, I could have done without everything else involved. Imagine if they were to somehow digitally remove the vocals and all other instruments and just keep that wild harmonica guy. Even I would buy that!

Ok, this was a 5 star harmonica record. Subtract 1 star for Bob Dylan’s drunken-old-man singing (he sounds homeless). Subtract one for this being made so long ago. And subtract one more for the title which doesn’t make sense. If you want to know some great harmonica album titles, check out Sam “Sammy” Haig. Try “Don’t Shoot the Harmonica Player”, “Confessions of a Harmonica Player”, or “The Harmonica Whisperer: The Sam Haig Songbook”. He’s the most clever man in the business. For this particular record, I choose the title “Leave the Harmonica Player Alone: He Doesn’t Need You” or “What Does An Old Record Look Like When You Put It In the Oven?” or even “Sorry About Your Record, Dad. Happy Birthday”.

In conclusion I only have one more review left to go until my obligation is fufilled for my dad’s birthday reviews. Later.

THE MOTHERS OF INVENTION “WE’RE ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY”

This high-pitched snit fit might rouse the odd smirk if all you’ve consumed is a cup of tea and a Digestive biscuit but on no account listen to it under the influence of anything stronger because then you’re liable to prang right into a hectoring bore who comes off like some renegade member of the school debating team rehearsing his–fnarr fnarr–naughty rhyming rebuttals. Farting around in Edgar Varese’s old corduroys is all well and good but this breathtakingly condescending harangue sounds depressingly like–dear oh dear–social commentary. Jacobs Cream Crackers but is there anything more tedious than windy social commentary set to popular music? And the exhortation to read Kafka in the liner notes? Please Frank, rock stars should never mix their drinks, or at least not so the stitches show. Zappa is much more bearable when he takes his own advice, shuts his cakehole and plays guitar. Like on Hot Rats, where the only vocal is the sublime Beefy on Willie the Pimp and Frank in the kitchen the whole time cooking up a kettle of wordless aural gumbo–a movie for the ears I think he called it, something like that anyway, it’s right there on the sleeve, good description at any rate of one of the authentically crunchy Zappa records. Well he did release over sixty of them after all, I mean he was bound to get it right once or twice, wasn’t he? So toss this turkey on the fire and get yourself out onna porch of the Lido Hotel.

Iggy Pop “Funhouse.”

Okay guys, here’s the situation. Father’s day is here, so I’m going to do this again. For my fans that remember, on my dad’s birthday last month, my preasant to him was to do a trilogy of reviews of his 3 favorite records (yeah, you read that right, records…ugh). Now I managed to struggle through Sgt. Peppers, Blonde in Blonde, and some dumb thing called Pets sound or something equally ridiculous. These reviews were the most taxing thing I have ever done. So here I am with another trilogy because dad’s birthday is annoyingly close to Father’s day. Dad says these 3 records will be more “up my alley”. But make no mistake, I will pull no punches on these pieces of garbage, even though last time around, my dad wouldn’t even speak to me or look at me for like 2 weeks. It wouldn’t be fair to you guys if I wasn’t honest and just pretended to like these things. Anyways, here we go.

Okay, The Stooges. My dad says that he used to go see this band in concert back in a time that none of us care about. That’s some pretty irrelevant information if you ask me. He said the concerts were “really wild and intense”. This is comin from a guy that said he used to wear bell-bottomed pants and wear flower-prints back then. Nowadays it would probably be about as exciting as a Rockettes show. Whatever.

Okay, the record-cover is red, and when you open it up you see….you see what appears to be 4 drug-addicted petty criminals, staring blankly at you. Not bizzarly-giddy in the Sargent Pepper kind of way either. More like the kind of guys who would shake-down kids for money, or eat out of the trash or something. It is obvious that at least 3 of the 4 of them have been to prison.

Okay now, the music is playing and it sounds…well, it sounds pretty much like these guys look. Ugly. The first song starts out really strange and sporadic with drug-induced yelps and howls. Then it gets really rowdy and the guy yells a lot. Then back to the slower part. I can get some mental pictures going about this. I kind of picture this like a concept album already, and this song could represent the fate-ful first time these guys ever took their drugs, and how they started their journey towards becoming burnt-out criminals. The next song kind of furthers the story but in an even more dangerously unstable manner.

I can imagine what is going on in the next song very vividly. It starts off with a desperate yell, that sounds like he is leading the charge of a drug-fueled rampage on the mean-streets of Detroit. I can imagine these guys cruising recklessly on motorcycles while swinging chains and bats at people, stopping only to shoot-up drugs and hold-up liquor stores. The next song slows everything down to a terrible grinding sludge. They seem to be on some kind of tranquilizer-type drug of something.

Okay, I flipped the record over (ugh.), and now a song called “1970” just assulted my ear-drums. Wow! They are back to getting dangerously rowdy. This guy is yelling like crazy and telling you the year. The music is WAY out of line. This is music to kidnap-a-girl-to-and-tie-her-to-the-back-of-your-motorcycle to. Insane. And now, the next song is making everything all hazy and weird. Someone who is completely out-of-his-mind on drugs, is playing-a horn. He is so blown-out on drugs that he simply CANNOT keep this horn under control. This horn has nothing to do with the rest of the music. Man. I’m looking at the group picture again to try and see which one of these idiots could be playing the horn. It could be any one of them. This is so insane.

Whoa! The last “song” just started. I don’t even know what to say. Everyone is just playin WHATEVER they want now. It sounds like they have completely lost it, and are clanging their instruments together in various states of mind. This sounds like a war. And the horn-player…..The horn-player sounds like….It sounds like he’s beating someone to death with his horn. Oh man! The very end sounds like he’s just swinging it around and hitting and bashing with the horn until he’s so tired he just passes out. The whole second side of the record was like one big long cloud-nightmare. I guess dad was right that it is wild, but I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.

In conclusion, what the HECK, dad!? What kind of a teenager WERE you?! He doesn’t need to listen to this ever again, and I’ll make sure of that. He probably had a huge drug-habit back then, and the possibility of this record giving him some kind of murderous-drug-flashback while Me and Morris and mom are asleep, sounds highly dangerous. Anyways, I don’t believe what I’m having to go through for a stupid little pseudo-holiday. Next up, catch me over at another Beatles review of an all white record, and then finally over at a record with a stupid-looking bannana on the cover. This is the only time my reviewing job gets boring. Later.