Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by Josh Lorenzo

The so called “American Dream” was our little invention. By outwardly attempting to disrupt our pursuit of it, you may inadvertently start bringing us together. Don’t laugh. It’s possible that one of our feckless elected leaders may eventually stand up to your interference and say, “enough is enough!” LOL. Anyway, you should probably quit undermining us just in case.

Seriously though, stop.

The United States of America doesn’t need your help ruining our democracy. We are more than capable of doing this ourselves. We appreciate all the foreign interference that brought us to this point, but the United States of America hasn’t been united in, like, forever. Heck, we’re basically just the States of America now.

Trust us. We know everything there is to know about your interference – we even openly advocated for it – and we never cared enough to stop it. Remember that time we tried blaming a non-authoritarian government for your misdeeds? That was hilarious.

We’ll take it from here.

We didn’t build up a democratic republic and fight to maintain it for two plus centuries just to have fully developed authoritarian countries step in and destroy it for us. The insinuation that we can’t ruin all that we built without outside interference is insulting.

Look, we despise each other in ways that your authoritarian regimes can’t even comprehend. The ideological hate we have for each other is so ingrained in our beliefs that we can’t even consider an alternative, nor can we even remember a time when cooperation was possible.

Suffice it to say that we are well past the point that some cute little election interference by outside forces will make much of a difference. We’re in much darker times than that!

Save your money, your time, and most importantly, your reputation. Your efforts over the years – clandestine or otherwise – have been laudable, but you should turn your attention to ruining more formidable democracies, like the one in Mauritius.

So, just back off. We’ve got this. If and when we become a fully functioning authoritarian government, we’ll be in touch.

Sincerely,

The States of America

Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at www.theauthorofsarcasm.com He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.

Image: Reporters with various forms of “fake news” from an 1894 illustration by Frederick Burr Opper

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