In another forum that I post in, we have set up a "village" (okay... so they set it up - and apparently I work part-time in the village post office, and I have a gammy leg lol)

So... who's who in OUR little village? Remember this is a local village for local people - we'll have no trouble here! (League of gentlemen fans will know where I'm coming from) And bear in mind, this doesn't have to have any resemblance to your real life personality. this is just for a giggle!

I'm looking for the following characters (I'll keep updating this top message with who's who as we go on).

1. Village Gossip = Elle
Knows everything about everything.

2. The only gay in this village = Seamermate
Panto camp boy. Loves his lycra

3. The local 'Bobby' = Coaty
Keeps an eye on the goings on, but is persuaded easily by bribery

4. The postmistress = Lynne
Organises the stamps, and keeps those dodgy parcels coming to the Vicarage

5. The owners of the local house of ill-repute = Will and KarenLeeds
Karen does front of house, to keep Coaty off the scent. Will carries out all interviews - very 'hands on'. Over 30's only.

6. The handyman = Flash
Very proud of his "toolbox". Keeps them all polished.

7. The owner of the cornershop
Dottie, who also moonlights in CG's pub helping out with lock-ins

8. The vicar = Alan
Usually has his hand in the collection tin. Lost his faith years ago, but keeps up appearances to mask what he's really up to

9. The naughty boy who scrumps apples = Madstock
Can usually be found in the backyard of the pub, siphoning off the beer, and selling it to his mates for 10p a sniff

10. The wannabe entrepreneur = Angie
Took the village by storm... and is now angling for the county

11. Owner of the local pub, renowned for it's hearty fare and good ales = CG
Provides a warm place for any travellers. Is currently subliminally advertising to boost her Irb Bru sales. CG is currently looking for a strapping cellarman to keep her pipes in order.

12. Village Idiot = currently up for nomination

Come on boys and girls... pick your roles! And also point all newbies to this thread too, because they are absolutely welcome too!

So Will... how's your recruitment drive coming along - do you have to "try before you buy" so to speak? Looks like Seamermate isn't "up" for it, pardon the pun.

CG - I think you've absolutely got the personalities spot on! But who are you then hon? Hmmm... might have to put a bit of thought into this one. You could be the local "Nanny" who pedals around on her pushbike. You have a basket on the front that should be containing fresh veg - but usually seems to contain numbers 1 & 2.

I think KarenLeeds should run the local pub, and keep us entertained on a nightly basis. Have heard that she can do a good karaoke - only tone-deaf may apply.

Seamermate - I think you should host a panto at the pub, and entertain us with your world-renowned rendition of "A whole new world"

Friday night: is Ibeefa night - DJ Will spins his favourite massive Ibeefa club anthemns from the mid to late 90s. Hits from DJs Oakenfold, Judge Jules, Orbital, Sash, Sacha etc Foam party every 1st Friday in the month.

Vicar - As it's for the village fete... I'm going to give you 13 pairs of tights - unwashed, half a packet of chocolate digestives, my own homemade pickle (extra spicy), a bag of chocolate peanuts (well, actually just the peanuts... I sucked the chocolate off last night), 3 bags of pig manure and a spandex superman suit. Any good to you?

Flash... I could do with borrowing your services for the afternoon. My windows were put through last night by the village idiot... and I think we're forecast rain.

Dottie - perhaps you could run the shop during the day, and help CG out in the bar for her lock-ins?

Actually Flash... you could have a point there. I am waiting for PC Coatyless to pop round and take down my particulars later this evening - I'm sure he'll be on the case!

Seamermate - they're yours! I'll do you a swap for that dazzling blue sequinned number you were wearing at Dottie's shin-dig the other evening. Ooh, by the way... did you spot Madstock dipping into the punch? Little bugger!

I don't like to gossip... I'm not the gossipy type... but has anyone seen the new family that's moved into the village? It's all Man U shirts and baseball caps. And as for the way those kids speak to their parents... well!
Still I don't think they'll stay for long - there's no Burger King here!

Flash... thanks for boarding up my windows this afternoon. Any chance you can put some glass in them tomorrow? You know how I like to keep an eye on things out there - as a concerned neighbour of course!

Okay... so it's either CG plying me with Irn Bru.. or the vicar slipping nasties into my commuinion vino.............
either way - I need to be finding my beddy-by-boes now! I'll catch up with you all tomorrow.

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