Monday, January 10, 2011

Fats Out of the Bag & Post Edit

Dumplings and bulgogi beef and coconut chicken curry noodles and Thai basil rice and drinks and creme brulee with berries.

And it tasted like excitement, like having my husband all to myself in a little restaurant on a cold January night. It tasted like a perfect date night.

And it was.

After dinner was a frosty car waiting to take us back home, to pay the babysitter, to put the children to bed, to crash on the couch--drunk from sensory consumption--to our habitual life.

I wasn't ready, not yet, to think about responsibility again. The church meeting I had the next afternoon, the obese inbox, the popcorn kernels littering the floor in the den like post-party confetti waiting for a sober vacuuming.

True to form, my anxiety always triggers Fat Talk. The self-absorbed thoughts about my body powerfully disregard health or happiness to zero right in on insecurity. While Chup was paying the bill I exited out into the sidewalk crusted with snow and ice.

The air from my lungs billowed out my mouth and swirled into the atmosphere.

Eliminate Fat Talk, I repeated.

I thought about all the food--the glorious food!--I had ingested. How did I eat so much? How will I feel when I wake up in the morning hung over from pan-Asian spices and meats? I should have denied myself the last four servings! I am faaaaaaaaaaaat!

Eliminate Fat Talk! I chanted with desperate chattering teeth.

And then, something so true and so enabling happened to me, it caught me by surprise.

I heard a voice say, "So what if you're fat?"

And I thought about it. Fat has always been so scary to me. The word, the way it flings out of the mouth when you say it, the way it sticks when it lands. FAT. The Devil's own word to sum up everything that isn't right. I am fat has a thousand meanings, the least being unhealthy, the most being unimportant. I have lived in fear of fat for so long, it eats me furious and terribly and leaves me heavier than any number on the scale.

But here was a thought, holding up a mirror to say, here's fat. So what?

Are your eyes any less blue?
Is your hair any less thick?
Or your body any less vigorous?

Did those noodles taste exquisite?
Was the conversation interesting?
When you cracked the brulee, did it pop?

Does your husband desire you?
Are your children charming?
Is your home still cozy and warm?

If you are fat, are you still from heaven?
Are you always divine?
Or worthy?

No? Yes?

Down the street there were young kids lined up to hear a band play at a nearby venue. They huddled in small good-looking groups, yellow tights, faux fur, top siders.

The electronic sign from the bank farther down the street flashed 18 degrees.

Chup ducked out of the restaurant and found me. Put his arm around me and said, "Let's take you home."

And the scoreboard for the fight against my body image looked like this:
Courtney 1. Fat. 0

Post-Edit:
I've always thought I was fat. Even when I wasn't. Especially when I wasn't.

And I should say this, I don't want to lose weight, I've done that plenty times before. I want to heal, to cure myself from the disease of a body image illness. That's the unhealthy.

I am C. Jane Kendrick and it's the small victories, you know? You can contact me personally at cjanemail @ gmail.com or leave comments on my facebook page and if you are on twitter you can find my tweets here. But no pressure.

'I have lived in fear of fat for so long, it eats me furious and terribly and leaves me heavier than any number on the scale.'Yay for you Court, although next time order the Creme Brulee FIRST so you know if you need to scale down the rest of the order and not feel so full xox

I can't even tell you how much I love you right now. This post meant so much to me. I have hated myself for so long for being fat. I've felt less worthy of my husband's love, my children's love, Heavenly Father's love, friendships, happiness all because I'm fat.

I can't even get over how empowering it would be to me if I began eliminating the fat talk and saying, "So what if I'm fat."

What about "tub" can we still say "tub"? Cuz that's what we call fat around here and it doesn't sound so negative... it sounds cute.

Ok, being serious now. I think this is really really important. I have teenage daughters and I don't want them to be as concerned about body image as I was [and still am.]

I want them to love who they are, however they are. And they will be many things throughout this life. At times, like now, they'll be thin. Great. At other times, like after they have babies, the weight will fluctuate. I want them to accept that, and work towards living a happy, healthy, active life.

Thanks for inspiring me [once again] to change the way I think. Because I KNOW that the way I think and talk will greatly impact the way my daughters think and talk.

Great post. I think you look incredibly like your mum. I suspect you think your mum is very beautiful, I certainly do in the pics I have seen of her, a real woman of substance in every sense. Your mum is not a size 0 waif and it does not diminsh her beauty, in fact I think it enhances it. She looks like someone that you could rely on, who would provide a shoulder to cry on and a kick in the seat when you needed it, a "proper" mum in otherwords. Embrace that your body looks like your mums as well as your face and take confidence from knowing how beautiful she is, and that you share that.

Although I fully agree that 'fat' should not be treated as the horrible, loathed word it has become in our society... I also want to caution against being okay with an overweight or obese body. Maybe especially because of those precious children, you'll want to get to a heart-healthy weight to be there for them for many, many more years to come (as God wills it). I've always felt that Western Christianity has sadly lost the 'dietary' aspect of viewing our bodies as a temple where God resides. That shouldn't stop at saying no to alcohol and drugs, but also to avoiding bad foods and being a responsible eater. God gave us the bodies we have and we should honour Him with how we care for it.

I couldn't agree more with Shal. I have struggled with my weight for years, and feel like I have finally conquered fat by eating a healthy, pure, no sugar diet and still enjoying life and thinking of food as fuel, not as an obsession or huge experience. I think as Mormons, especially, you are missing the mark COMPLETELY by abstaining from alcohol, drugs, coffee and tea but are fat! I can guarantee Heavenly Father doesn't want you to be fat. Promise. He wants you to be your full potential, and being overweight complicates potential. Your post. Case in point. Start eating less, moving more, and then, guess what? You won't even have to post about fat talk. Clearly you aren't comfortable in your body, or you wouldn't be writing about it. Fat is not okay.

I love it. In my pregnant state, disappointed on the scale this morning, I needed this.

I really cannot believe that even on a post like this you would get negative comments. I don't know how difficult it must be for you at times to read unwarranted criticism, but I hope it does not keep you from blogging.

It's all about loving who you are, regardless of weight. And I love when you said the fear of fat leaves you heavier than any number on the scale. So true. We let our fears weigh us down. I have been through a horribly painful divorce. I was betrayed. And you know what? I was in shape, I was healthy (a size 6), and I looked a million times better than the women he had cheated on me with!!! They were all 15-20 years OLDER than we were too! So, body size, age, and anything that has to do with appearance means NOTHING. I learned that my ex was a secret sex addict. It had nothing to do with me. Because I know the kind of wife and friend I was to him, I have held my head high throughout this experience. I love how you recognize all that you are blessed with in life--because no matter what the scale says, you are a beautiful and blessed person that people love. And you should hold your head high!

I agree with the point made by one commenter that we need to stay at a healthy weight in order to be there in the future for our children. We are raising a granddaughter, so I do everything I can to stay healthy and be there for her in the future.

I don't think Courtney is getting on the fat acceptance band wagon, "Anonymous".I think she's trying to say,It's o.k. to be where you are. Sometimes you get fat. Sometimes you stay there.Sometimes you don't.But you don't have to be miserable when you're visiting Aunt Fat. You can give her a hug and stay a while, and still be o.k.

Of course, I decided to move in with her because she's a good cook, but I'm working on becoming more independent and moving out on my own. Then I can just visit her now and again. Because I'm bad like that.

I am 30 and have been so called "fat" for about 30 years :) I was never the skinny child but rather the plump child that loved cake at birthday parties and school lunch pizza. I grew up thinking only men would like me if I was skinny or my life would atart if I was skinny. Come to find out I have had an AMAZING life being fat and very happy. And God sent me the BEST husband that loves me for I am and not what I look like, although he tells me quite often how beauitful and hot I am. So to all the people that think that being fat is bad, stop, its not enjoy your food and stop tormenting yourselves :) And love your life because you only get one and God wants you to enjoy your life and so what if your fat. Your knly fat by what the media tells you, because really why would you want to look like you are just skin and bones and need a healthy plate of a buffet somewhere!~Molly P

Beautiful. Also, it feels a million miles away to feel this way. I still got on the scale this morning and said, "are you kidding me?!". So I'm thankful that you wrote this as a thought to aspire to, even if I don't know it.

And you can not answer my email:) Or wait two billion years to do it. I'm sure that takes ALLLLL the pressure off, right?!

I don't think this discussion is about whether or not Fat is good for our bodies. Everyone knows that excessive fat can harm and cause serious health problems. I think the deeper issue is our emotional and spiritual health, and sometimes our focus on fat taints the joy we are meant to experience in this life and blinds us to the awesome and powerful women we really are!

This isn't giving us permission to stop taking care of ourselves, Courtney is trying to show us how we are here to enjoy life no matter our size, and it's silly to wait until we fit into our high school jeans to live and be grateful for every good thing.

Sometimes its the tapes we play in our head that do us damage. We are our own worst critics. But sometimes it the things that go unsaid that also eat us away. I for one, had a baby around the same time Ever was born. I've found that I actually gained weight afterward which just bums me to no end. But I'm curvy & that's that. No need to wallow in it. I'd rather be curvy than skinny, hungry & unhappy any day.

Everyday that is a battle for me. I feel less worthy than my skinny friends and less attractive, even when I know my husband wants me and noboby else. It is truly hard and sometimes I have to remember that it is all in my head, that most people could care less what I look like on the outside that they like me for me and when is on the inside. Your posts remind me of all the good things that I am and that I should feel. NO more fat thinking!

I like what Carrot Jello said about visiting "Aunt Fat." That's exactly right!

I just had my first baby four months ago and I am the fattest I have ever been. I dropped 25 pounds in 8 days immediately after birth, then I plateaued, and then I actually started to gain. I didn't worry about it too much at first, but now with the holidays over I think about it more and more. It's hard not to let the thoughts become obsessive, and I think that's what this post is about: We shouldn't just throw our health to the wind, but neither should we fret and obsess and hate ourselves while visiting "Aunt Fat."

The "fat talk" in my head has become so loud recently, that every day I fantasize about weaning my son TOMORROW and then going on some ridiculous, over-restrictive diet just so I can fit into my closetfull of size 6 jeans which, truthfully, haven't fit me since two years before having my baby.

But this post reminds me that a preoccupation with how I look right now is no healthier for me than a burrito is. I'll lose the weight when my baby and my body are ready for me to.

It would be great to see some follow up posts about how you are doing with this--and I will also agree that, even though we should never feel bad about our image, part of the Word of Wisdom is trying to be healthy and moderate in all things. A wonderful part of these body image posts could be some steps of lifestyle change you are making--I assume you are trying to make them because you are the kind of person that doesn't just let life happen to you. Go for it and continue to feel great about yourself--you can do it!

"There are a lot worse things than being fat, it's just that being fat is so obvious".

My mom used to tell me that when I would rant about my weight being so hard to manage. We have both struggled and we have our ups and downs with the fat.

I get you 100%.

I guess a worse thing than being fat could be a person who says that you should eat healthy and manage your weight like it's as easy as walking or talking and then leave their comments anonymously?Maybe they just don't get it. I hope they are grateful for their bodies that are so cooperative.

Yes, this. I like this a lot, and also Carrot Jello's comment-- exactly what I needed to hear today, as I've picked up 10 lbs this year from a place that was already 10 lbs higher than I'd like . But I feel good, healthy. I love food. I mostly eat healthfully. And this is where I am. Okay, then. Thanks!And hope you're doing a good job of tuning out the negativity in the comments after such a brave & beautiful post.

What an amazing post! LOVE LOVE LOVE when we build each other (and ourselves) up! Your self-confidence doesn't tear anyone else down. It doesn't make you look conceited or self-centered. It makes you shine and everyone in your light glow too. When you feel good about yourself, it inspires others to feel great about themselves too. Thank you for sharing this awesomeness!

It is the small victories. I tell people I'm the heaviest I've ever been and the HAPPIEST I've ever been. I would have never thought, when I was younger, that would be true. Because of all the commercials, magazine articles, etc that equate thinness with happiness. Guess what? I was also thin for 15 years - not so happy.So, thin does not equal happy. Neither does fat. They are not related. The same people who love you (including yourself!) will love you whether you're thin or fat.

Thank you C. Jane. It made me cry because I've felt this way my whole life about my body. I do exercise and try to eat well, but the weight doesn't come off...and you know what? It doesn't make me any less beautiful.

The real question is... "what is fat?" Weight is different for everyone. I've met people who are 5-10 pounds above what they want to be and they think of themselves as "fat." We should all try to be the best that we can be. Period. I guess the next question would be... "What is thin?" It look different on everyone.

I liked this post and the one by your neighbor Janna regarding body image--it is a very interesting topic. However, I agree with some of the others. It really is a balance--Do we become so okay with out weight and desire to eat that we become "okay" with obesity/ If we only exercise until we don't want to, I don't think it will really work. There is some discomfort involved in getting in shape but for many becoming fit is worth it and part of the satisfaction and accomplishment. Most things worth attaining push us outside our comfort zone. MOst of us just can't eat what we want when we want without some health consequences to face either now or down the road.That being said, bashing ourselves and ridiculing our bodies is very self defeating.Like I said it is a difficult balance but just "letting go" and accepting an unhealthy weight doesn't seem the right way to go either.It is a struggle. You are right though--our whole self worth should not be tied up in the number on the scale.

OH I so needed this today! I am the fatty of the family, and it's like a bag of rocks that I have carried with me my whole life, always looking back on those rocks and wondering why they have to follow me. Grr! Thanks for this post!

I couldn't agree with you more...mosty. I have carried around twenty extra pounds more than necessary for the past five years. I'm going to be 40 in a few months. I know without a doubt that if I ate healthier and didn't have this extra weight I wouldn't have the problems I do with me feet, joints, etc. Love yourself but remember the old worn adage too: moderation in all things.

Ok, so you admit you're fat. Could you post fewer photos of your fat self so as to not offend those of us who would rather not see your ovese countenance? Your (fat) self-absorption is amazing. You look like crap, and yet you continue to post your chins and rolls and gummy smile for all to see. Vanity is a sin cjane (or C.Jane if you're pretentious).

Thank you for this post. I have hated my body for years, even after losing a lot of weight, I still carry the former hatred/self image with me, especially post-baby. And shouldn't I be focusing on other things now, like my child/becoming a mother, rather than image issues? But it's important to talk about, and I want my daughter to grow up loving herself, body image notwithstanding. Thank you for doing this series - it's so important.

When I read Janna's post last week, it made SO much sense. But, like you, when push comes to shove, it's hard not to criticize myself when my pants are a little too tight or I've eaten too much food and feel SOO full. I applaud you for looking the word FAT in the face and saying I'm not going to let that word have power over me tonight. You go girl!

i saw you in this moment. i saw chup take you away! i'm sorry for intruding! but it was my first random cjane spotting, and i was excited about it. my husband and i were standing in that line, we didn't fit in. you looked perplexed, i wondered what was wrong. so nice to read it was actually something kinda right. we ate there after we got into the show, they were out of the thai basil rice.

Oh boy. I read this post and the comments and then walked away from my computer and tried to stay silent. But I couldn't. First of all, C.Jane - you are an amazing person full of beauty, energy and goodness. I admire what you are trying to do in terms of body image. No one should ever beat themselves up over the way they look. I understand what you are trying to do.BUT (you had to know that was coming) I really have a problem with hearing anyone say, "So what if I'm fat?"Let me give you some "so whats" based on my own experience of living with a obese husband who has taken "So what if I'm fat?" as his mantra.1 - He has chosen to shorten his life expectancy, leaving me to raise six children alone. This is not a matter of if, but when.2 - He has chosen not to be able to do anything active with his children. He can't help them practice sports. He can't go on scout hikes. He can't go on rides at amusement parks with them.3 - Because of the cost of his prescriptions (all obesity related), the rest of us have to cut back. I couldn't keep my daughter in violin lessons because that money had to go his medications instead. 4 - I have learned after almost 20 years of marriage that my husband will never love me as much as he loves food. I am a distant second and always will be. I am heartbroken by this.I have another friend who has an amazing, talented husband with a heart of gold. Because of the cost of medical treatments associated with his weight, they are going to lose their home.Do I love my husband? Absolutely.Do my children love their father? Of course.But his "so what if I'm overweight" attitude HURTS us. Every single day.

LOVE this, C Jane! Not so much a fan of some of your commenters, but love your blog and love this epiphany.

I think you're exactly right. If we're doing the best we can in all our responsibilities - as mothers/wives/friends/daughters, etc., then I'm going to say it too - 'So what if I'm fat?'

It is truly not the end of the world. And it's usually temporary - but if not, so what? It doesn't make me less of a person, less deserving of love or more deserving of scorn or ridicule. I am the same person I was 100lbs ago.

And I wave the B.S. flag on the 'oh but you're ruining your health' comments. Yes, sometimes that's true. But sometimes it's patently UNtrue. I've been at this weight the last 3 years and I have no health problems - normal cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure, etc. It's actually NOT a death sentence, and I think more of us should get our heads around that.

This turned into a rant, and I didn't mean for it to! I just wanted to thank you for this post. And to say to the rest of us, let's cut ourselves a break. Let's eliminate some of the self-loathing and stress and embrace our bodies as they are, and as we're working for them to be. You want to change? I fully support that - but do it right, without all the negativity.

I have spent my whole life fat and I am ashamed and sad but I hope this makes me start believing I am still a child of God and am still lovable. Thank you Courtney for allowing me to think "so what if I am fat"

You may never read my comment since there are like a billion on here but I had to comment...

I had this same epiphany a few months ago while lamenting my upper arm size. It's always been a problem area and I was feeling so frustrated by my lack of time and desire to do anything about it/them.

So, then I thought to myself...um...is it the end of the world if your arms a little flabby? And right then and there I felt total liberation! I was of the hook once I let myself off it. And now I'm not stressed about my upper arms. :)

My fanny and hips are small but if I were to put both arms out in mid air like in flight.....my wings would lift me off the ground so I have to be very careful, unless I want to get somewhere in a hurry, and on a summer day, when the car windows are rolled down...and I happen to sick my arm out the window and you see that side of my car off the ground...well remember this comment and think of me....because I use to really really care and not I just have too much other "stuff" more important to worry about! lol :)

You have put into words a lot of what I've been feeling lately. Fat? Who cares! Why does it matter? AND if fat really DID matter? Well, I'd have to say that most of my favorite people in the world are "fat". They enjoy life to its fullest (including food!) and they seem to be able to share that joy with others. I'm not trying to create a "fat stereotype", but if someone were twisting my arm... I'd have to say "Fat people have more fun." :)

I think people are missing the reason behind this post. For me, I came away feeling like we should accept ourselves irregardless of those things that keep us from feeling good in our own skin. As women, rather skinny or overweight we all have insecurities we dwell on. I have never been overweight but yet I still have things that I feel insecure about. I wish that women, in general, didn't have to be so hard on themselves or others. We need to embrace how beautiful we each are in our own way. I feel like some of the comments are very judgemental and I wonder why they even had to be said. I think you are unique and beautiful. Ignore those who would say otherwise, they aren't worth the worry!

Jennifer, I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. But let's mark a line here between acceptance of ones body as is and turning a blind eye to addiction.

I am fat...according to the charts. I swim every other day, I can do what I like, I've raised a beautiful son (often on my own) who I never missed out on activities with. My blood pressure and other measures are low and wonderful.

My husband is very fit...and until a few months ago he was an active duty Marine. He was gone a lot, he missed a lot of our child's life, the odds of him dying too young were always far higher than mine.

Yes, he was serving his country and we're proud of him for that but the cost to our child, out family was high.

We all make our choices.

However, sometimes we loose that ability to truly choose. Without knowing him, it sounds like your husband may have an addiction issue. Don't worry about him for now, focus on yourself. Get some therapy, get some support. You deserve it.

Oh, Angie. I think you need a nap. Or perhaps a time out...or maybe a hug. One wonderful thing about the internet is that it is not mandatory viewing. You don't like something? Click away and never come back. Problem solved!

Some of us are struggling. Sometimes a friendly smile, even across the internet, can make a day just a little easier. C. Jane and I are very different but she's inspiring me to keep going, to brighten up my home, myself and my life. I am thankful for her generosity of spirit, of sharing.

Seems like we are all playing a game of team fat verse team trim. We need to love each other as women and love ourselves as fabulous human beings. Only in this environment can a healthy body image/lifestyle be maintained without turning into obsession or neglect. Skinny does not equal healthy.

I am not a Mormon myself, but find myself constantly intrigued with your faith. Not an "i wanna convert" type of curiosity, but more of a "wow, this is fascinating" thing. One thing I find to be especially interesting is what seems to be an obsession with perfection. From reading various blogs to knowing Mormons in "real life," I can't help but to feel that in your aims to be pristine godly beings, you become somewhat self righteous and a bit judgmental regarding those who don't measure up... whether it's yourself, your congregation, or the pagans... harsh criticism without empathy sucks. While ya'll have so much going for regarding families and community, I can't get past this part of your culture.

And Courtney, I've always been drawn to your blog because you disrupt this stereotype I've grown to believe. You are like the rocky road ice cream scoop in a big bowl of vanilla. Rock on Sister Kendrick.

Oh I don’t know. I hate excuses about being fat. And why is it that fat people always say, “But I’m so happy!”? I’m pretty sure anyone who is fat would rather be at a healthier weight even if they can’t admit it. I’m sure they have cried a million tears over being fat. I know I have. People say, “It’s just that I love food, I can’t help myself, I have a bad metabolism, I don’t have any will-power, etc, etc, etc.” Enough! Even if you husband DOES love you for who you are, and would never dream of looking at anyone else, it’s not good for anyone to be fat. It’s not good physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally or psychologically!

We create our own experience. We create the results in life we believe we deserve!

We have to give different to get different!

We have to show up in our own life!

I agree with cutting down on the fat talk. But I totally disagree that it’s Courtney 1, Fat 0.

Just because you were able to type that, doesn’t mean it’s true or that you even believe it. Come on. You are a much-loved and powerful, influential woman. You basically told thousands of women it’s OK to have no self-control, no self-restraint, and that’s it OK to love a fat body. Don’t cop out on this. Expect more of yourself.

i would like to eliminate fat talk too. thanks for posting, it's nice to know other people have trouble with it. i always think i need to lose weight, even when i don't. i try not to talk about it or put myself down because i have 2 daughters and i want them to grow up loving themselves and their bodies.

Courtney,I wish you the best in your quest for self acceptance. I understand the feelings you express. From personal experience, I don't think we can ever deep down, in the deepest parts of our soul, really, truely LOVE our fatness. For me I had to realize that food was not happiness, comfort, entertainment, or reward, or any of the many reasons I loved to eat. Until I saw food as simply fuel for my body did I come to grips with my weight and self acceptance. I believe in vigorous exercise and fueling our bodies in healthy ways. We are more "fit for the Kingdom" when we control our bodies rather than our bodies controlling us.

My, my, my. Did this touch a nerve or what! How would it be if everyones imperfections showed on the outside like fat does. If you were a particularly mean person, your ears would turn orange. Or if you struggled with being truthful, you'd smell like the sewer. "Well there goes someone who's judgemental, their hair is blue." Some people have great metabolisms and some don't. Period.The end. Fat doesn't mean lazy, it doesn't mean happy or unhappy. Why in the heck does it matter to anyone else what you look like. Looks are so fleeting. Focus on who you are not what your body is doing. Of course we should do everything we can to be as healthy as we can...but for ourselves, not for anyone else. You are an inspiration C.Jane.

"Feeling fat" has nothing whatsoever to do with your actual weight. I think that we as women lump all of our fear and self-loathing into our body image. Then when things are difficult, when our lives feel out of control we say we "feel fat". Sometimes at this point we use food to soothe ourselves, only compounding the problem and hiding the original cause of the "feeling fat". This is why there are women who are size 6 and say they "feel fat". It has nothing to do with size and everything to do with self worth.

Thanks, C. Jane. I've never had to think about my weight before - size 0 or 2 my whole life without lifting a finger for it - and certainly not an example of healthy living, just my genes. I turned 44 last year and, poof! The pounds hit me like a bowl of jello pudding. It's amazing and shocking to me, 30 pounds and one year later, how it feels not just physically but in every way. I feel so unattractive. I've stopped buying clothes because a size 12 is so shocking. I'm absolutely no different in any other way, besides being a little older and I wish this weight had come with some wisdom. For now, I'll just borrow some of yours and say thanks.

Thanks for this. We need to realize that being thin does not always equal being physically or emotionally healthy. Our connections with others and gratitude for what we have is most important. As someone who struggles with anorexia (eating disorders never go away, I believe), I fear being fat. However, I also hate being miserable. I'd rather have the extra five pounds, be healthy, and enjoy life.

I agree with what you've said, but let me vent for a minute and explain one of the reasons I still have body image issues. I've been fit and I've been fat, and I know that the world is nicer to those who are fit. I'm not just talking about compliments and flirtations, I mean people seem pay attention more to what you're saying, give your opinions more weight, find your jokes funnier, etc. I know I'm not the only one who has noticed that. Elna Baker in her memoir "The New York Mormon Singles Halloween Dance" said that after she lost 80 pounds (in a not so healthy way, by the way), she discovered this whole new world that beautiful people operate in, that she now belonged to it but didn't know existed before. And years ago on Oprah, I remember an experiment in which several men dressed as women for a day, and when they reported on their experiences, the man who was heaviest said, close to tears, that what surprised him was how ignored he was because he was the heaviest of them all. I'm paraphrasing all of this, but you probably get the idea. I guess one could say that obsession with body image is also an obsession of some other kind--to positive feedback, ego, etc. I don't know. Is that possible?

My three year old saw a pic on my fb and said, "I want to see her again. I want to see her fat belly." I was shocked and told him that we do not call people fat. He responded, "But Mama, I LOVE fat bellies. They are just great!" If only, everyone thought it was great. We just need to love who we are no matter our size. You are BEAUTIFUL, by the way.

When we decide to love ourselves and realize we have self worth, we begin to treat ourselves as valuable people. It is after that it is more possible for someone who has struggled with eating to take care of themselves. I really believe that this is the correct order. Love yourself, then the results will follow.

This post is not about accepting unhealthy habits or obesity. This post is about accepting yourself. It could have been about freckles, a big nose, or having an eleventh finger. The point is, who cares!? Until you learn to accept yourself, as you are, good right along with the bad you will never be healthy enough you love yourself. We all have flaws, faults, and imperfections. Sometimes we try to run and hide from them. Cjanes is saying don't run from them, recognize them, some things about ourselves we simply have to learn to accept, some things we can change. But you will never love yourself until you learn to recognize yourself as you are, good and bad, and love yourself not REGARDLESS of your imperfections,including your imperfections because they are part of you and you are pretty great.

I always hated my freckles growing up. Then when I had children of my own and their little freckles started popping out I saw how beautiful they truly are! and if they are beautiful of my little munchkins, they are beautiful of me too.

Some things you can change, some things you can't but you have to get to a place where you can see yourself as yourself, accept yourself, and feel good about being you before you can move forward.

I think you are great Courtney. And really you are very beautiful inside and out. Thank you for this post.

But first...THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOOOOOUUUUUUU (!!) for this post!! I have been 40 lbs overweight for the last 3 years and I've been so miserable...due to my OWN hatred about it! When I read the three little paragraphs (which begin with, "Are your eyes any less blue?") I cried! I have already printed it out and put that on my desk to read each day.

Do I still want to get in shape and lose weight? Absolutely! But I don't have to hate myself until then and I certainly do not have to hate myself if I don't lose the weight!

Bottom line, CJane: Your body gave birth to two of the sweetest souls. You have a husband who adores you and appreciates you and the fact that your body gave birth to his two babies. Isn't that what really matters? And lastly, I have to say...I've NEVER thought of you as "fat!" Never. So please don't think that others view you as that way. We don't. And like you, many of us are dealing with the same struggle. So thank you for putting out there what I know was probably difficult to write!

P.S. I would also like to add to "Anonymous" that when my sister did the Leukemia Society Marathon, there were SEVERAL women who were 30, 40, 50 or more lbs overweight...and they were healthier than any other woman I knew who was thin and not in shape. So I have to say...there are numerous people who are not what our society deems "thin" or "thin enough" and are still VERY healthy!!

Self flagellation is never good and rarely effective, it usually drives us to more of the behavior we are hatingourselves over. But over eating fels bad and triggers this kind of response. You can try and change your response or you can work on the action that causes it. My husband who struggles with overeating practices mindful slow eating after working with a nutritionist and it has made a huge difference. At a restaurant he rarely orders all the things he wants at once but rather orders an appetizer or salad or small dish and then see how he feels from there. SOmetimes he orders more but sometimes he decides he has had enough. (Sorry if I am assuming that you over ate but it sounds like you think you did). Working on the negative body image messages is definitely a positive start for people but I don't think the discomfort with their bodies will go away unti changes happen in the way they treat them--exercise, healthy amounts of food, etc...

My daughter referred me to your post knowing I could relate to the challenges of loving myself.... loving myself as I am.... loving myself enough to find the perfection in the state I'm in.... and even loving myself enough to continue to strive for the healthy balance. The trick for me has been to find the love. Interestingly enough, the weight is manifest as a result of emotional issues (usually buried so deeply that I can't put a finger on them) The love issue is the same.

One great thing I've learned in this lifetime (thus far) as the mother of five and grandmother to nine is that this whole experience in our Earth Suit is an adventure.... an adventure in learning and my testimony of it is that the learning can always be distilled down to LOVE & COMPASSION. Can we learn to love OURSELVES and others? Jesus' gospel is a gospel of LOVE. and He said, "Love one another as I have loved you". We’re taught that He loves us and we don’t even have to be perfect (there’s that word). So, do we believe Him, believe His words? Do we have faith in those words? Or do we let our little ego’s (natural man, duality, super ego, etc) be the voice we listen to and believe?

I also believe that it works as a circle, a loop, a cycle. We have to be able to quit judging OURSELVES and others before the FULL cycle of LOVE is felt. When we're taught to love our neighbor as ourselves who do you think we have to love first..... yup, ourselves, myself. We're taught "Judge not" and so what do we do.... we judge ourselves.... we are our own worst critic! The natural man is the enemy to God and that NM is the voice, the part of us that judges.... The judgment I allow in my soul is the thing that damns me (hurts me) and the thing that dams me (blocks me) from the LOVE I want to know, to feel, to receive and to give.

Learning to Love myself has been a mission I've been on for several years now. In answer to a prayer I prayed for about 6 weeks the Lord told me to learn to love myself. WOW! What does THAT mean? I had no clue at the time. I think that finding things to love, like blue eyes, etc. is a beautiful place to start (or continue as the case may be). As we learn to LOVE ourselves and the judgments fall away I now KNOW that it we make room in our growth process for the next phase in our eternal progression. For some of us it might be the place of relating easily to what it takes to have that healthiest body for ourselves (Whatever that may look like!) It's ALL a journey as we move toward that place we all want to be in the end..... I’m headed for godhood albeit at my own pace! ;-)

I love your post CJane! Thank you for letting me ramble in response to you & all your readers’ comments. This is a helpful process for me! ♥

I get what Cjane is saying - I think all women struggle with body image issues. But there is a big difference between accepting that you will never look like a model - and accepting being overweight. There are legitimate and serious health risks. So... no, you shouldn't accept it. You are worth more than that. Your body is a temple and it deserves to be treated that way. And we should set a good example for our kids. There are ways to tell if you are just obsessing over 5 lbs, or if you need to lose weight - your doctor will tell you! There are charts and body fat percentages that will help you determine that. And if you are overweight (I have been!) - then you don't need to hate yourself for it, but doing something about it will give you power and confidence. You can't do anything about a big nose or freckles. But you can lose weight. And big noses and freckles are not harmful to your health!And no - doctors have long since dismissed the notion that overweight people can be as healthy as people in an appropriate weight range.

I totally get what you are saying. I tell myself that My body at the moment is "under construction." There are pregnancy road blocks and orange morning sicknes signs and large Bed rest tractors in the way of continuing down Controlling My Weight Ave. As annoying as it is, I know that after all that construction is done, I will have a cute baby to hold and I can get back to getting in shape. The point is to love yourself no matter what size you are. You can have goals and work towards them and can celebrate it when you reach them. You can even celebrate yourself working towards those goals. It's not okay to hurt yourself emotionally simply because you have an area that you need to work on.

I think this goes beyond being fat too. I hate myself sometimes because I am not finished with College yet. Everyone else is finished and here I am slowly, class by class trying to get my degree while being a wife and mom. I am not a college Graduate. So what? I know that I will be some day, as long I am working towards my goals. I don't have to hate myself simply because I'm not there yet, but I also don't have to give up trying to get there simply because I accept where I am in life.

First of all - you don't appear to be overweight. And I really appreciate what this post is trying to say. BUT....I don't think it's a good idea to encourage the notion "So what if I'm fat?"The SO WHAT isHigh blood pressureDiabetesSleep apneaStrokeBreast cancerOsteoarthritis

I am me. I am overweight. I am lovable, funny, sometimes intelligent, caring, spiritual and so, so many other things. Thank you for this post. I so get you and your beautiful gummy smile! (I never actually noticed any gumminess. Whatever, annonymous!)

who wants to bet that most of the negative comments on here are coming from people who are thin ;) By society's standards, a little extra junk in the trunk means FAT. That does not equate unhealthy. Unfortunately, if you are not a rail, people think you are fat an unhealthy. I know a lot of health/excersize nuts who spend way more time working on their bodies or planning their diets than they do on many more important things (like spending time with their children). It would be nice if everyone thought the way you did C. Jane!

Yes, being fat is visible, but so are being rude and being judgmental. Believe me, they show up on your face and on your heart and soul. Sadly, they show up in your children. So please don't use that as an excuse to say that being fat is better than being rude.

I just looked at the picture of you that you posted today. [Wednesday] You look fabulous! You feel fabulous [I'm guessing] I lied to myself, too, for about four years and said I can't do anything about my weight, I'm too tired, I'm too busy, It's too hard. I have to eat at so many meetings and functions and can't turn them down after they worked so hard to prepare it . . . I can be happy anyway, I am still a child of God, blah, blah, blah. The truth is I think about my weight and food every single day. And I am not happy when I am fat. I'm not happy when I eat more than I really want. I'm not happy when I stuff my feelings in the form of food. I'm not happy when I use food as a drug.

Please, just eat less and move a little more. Get a few 5, 8 and 10-pound weights and a stability ball. Do 100 crunches while you talk on the phone or read your email. And stop beating yourself up. But stop making excuses, too.

I know this sounds harsh, but if you had cancer would you want all these people making excuses for you? Yes you are a lovely person. Yes you are amazing and talented. We all LOVE you. We look forward to 'spending' time with you every single day! But my heck! Lose the fat! No more excuses. No more fat talk and believe me, you will thank me later when you are down 10. or 20.

Best wishes to you in 2011. Now, seriously, go do some pushups and then a set of crunches.

thank you. i wish somehow i could explain to my pre pregnancy cloths that they need to expand, so i wouldn't feel so fat, or that i could explain to my pocketbook it needs to expand so i can buy new clothes, so i don't feel so fat. :( i battle my fat ever day.

I admire your honesty and your willingness to be vulnerable and transparent in this post. Not easy!!

As you know, this issue is SO complex and huge: with social, cultural, psychological, economical, political, and health roots and implications. And while I totally applaud your personal [body image] truce for a healthy psyche (plus the inspiration you give to hundreds of others), the acceptance of obesity on a population level has to be disrupted (for the health and economical stability of our nation)

Personal responsibility aside, we are all victims. The obesity epidemic (currently over 80% of our population is overweight or obese) is the result of a really sick joke by a political and food industry gone mad.

Your writing is awesome. Of course personal acceptance and self-love are so significant. And mindful eating is a reasonable arrow in a weight-loss quiver.

My point is that in the bigger picture, an equally important issue is PREVENTION for our children!! We can't sit back and accept the environmental conditions which are predisposing future generations for obesity. It is time for us to fight back!!

Thanks for all you've done to raise awareness of this timely and crucial topic.

I have struggled with my weight for nearly 4 decades and the brutal cycles of self-loathing after gluttonous binge after gluttonous binge. I used to think that if I just got over my vain fears about being seen as fat, everything thing would be okay. I have spent a life time praying to be released from this soul crushing burden. But I have finally come to this realization after setting aside my vanity and fears of fat: I am never going to feel good about myself, thin or fat when I'm not consistently exercising MODERATION and self mastery in how I care for the body God gave me. God gave me a conscious, and fortunately it works. Regardless of the number on the scale and the size of my jeans, that conscious doesn't feel good when I eat excessively because that goes against all natural laws. Take away the “Fat Talk” and “Body Image” issues and I don't think any woman is going to feel at peace with herself until she is taking care of her body the way God would want her to.I no longer diet, and I no longer weigh myself. I do one simple thing: I say a SINCERE prayer before I eat a meal or snack. It keeps me honest with myself and God about what is really going on inside my obsessive desire to consume fatty or sugar laden temptations. I can't sincerely ask God to bless me with health and nourishment when underneath it all I intend to inhale a super-sized meal of a double-decker burger, fries and shake, that whole tray of brownies, the pint of ice cream, or the warm disk of brie. That goes against the very laws of nature. He is the Creator. He made my body and He knows I know how to eat properly, I just lack the self mastery to make the right choices. And as a regular reminder of His expectations and LOVE, He lets my conscious feel guilty and my body feel the consequences of a food hangover. But best of all, He also lets me feel the joy of health, strength and peace when I'm genuinely trying to take care of my body.I wish you the very best in this year of new beginnings and healing.

I was able to change my self talk for my daughter...I did benefit from it, of course, but the thought of a daughter developing that same self degrading vocabulary and obession with body image was my catalyst. Good luck!

Lena, you have said so, so much in you comment. So much of how I feel. I've struggled as well, for 40 years. I've gone from bulimic and throwing up 3-4 times a day to anorexic, eating only 300 calories a day. I've weighted 109 and I've weighed 180. I have clothes size 5 to size 16. It is a life-long miserable battle with myself and with food. The first thing I think of every single morning is food/fat and the last thought before I fall asleep is about food/fat.

Thank you for the simple encouragement to pray that way.

I do often pray to God for help with this struggle and I’ve felt like both a fool and a hypocrite asking for His help with my personal failures with food. I’ve attended the 12-step program and worked through all 12 steps, twice.

I so identify with the women in Matthew with an issue of blood for 12 years. Because I’ve been ‘sick’ for 40 years and pray I could just touch his hem and be healed. I do know that with hard work every single day, exercise and mindful choosing I am much happier than when I just eat without feeling. Eat without stuffing. Eat without conscience.

I lashed out earlier in the week at Courtney for accepting fat. I didn’t want to hear those words.

Since I know you read French, you may enjoy to read those posts: http://www.penseesderonde.fr/zermati-et-moi/She is a rounder girl as she calls herself, struggled with weight all her life, but she's working with this nutritionist/counselor and he's giving her some good advice on listening to her body and likeing herself more.

The thing is, I don't think Courtney is fat. I think people come in different shapes and sizes and sometimes to try and go against that is just frustrating when your body is simply made to be a bit rounder. Women's bodies are made to fluctuate, for pete's sake the woman just had a baby! There are plenty of healthy women who exercise, eat right and are just that shape. There are plenty of women who don't exercise, don't eat right and are made smaller so people assume they are healthier.

This post wasn't about health, it was about feeling comfortable with who you are. I am 5'6" and weigh 120 pounds, I am not fat but my body isn't perfect either. I often feel insecure, I feel like I am fat. I tell myself I am fat. Or I see a picture of myself and think AAGH I look like that?! I'm fat! The point is, I have a little pudge that hangs over my pants if I don't sit just right. It is exhausting worrying about it, so I'm with Courtney, who cares?!

I am a lot more attractive happy with myself than I am when I am putting myself down.

My kids would rather have a mom who is smiling than a mom who has a perfect body.

And my husband would much rather see a me naked than hiding behind my clothes because I'm afraid I'm fat.... it had to be said ;)

I have to say, your comment "So what if I'm fat" has really changed my perspective. Our society places such a huge emphasis on weight, and it really is wrong. It is an obsession. It goes against not judging a book by its cover. And I have been thinking a lot about myself. I was always thin (though I never thought I was). I had two babies (about the same time you had your delicious morsels) and am decidedly bigger than I was. And so what! I am still me. I still have the same qualities, I just wear a larger size in clothing! Thank you for helping me be okay with that. Seriously, I start my day with a piece of toast and a big steaming cup of C.Jane. Breakfast of the Champions.

P.S. People are too critical of people who are not their same size. I think you are beautiful and amazing and should never change, so all the trolls need to just go back to their little holes and stay there for preaching falsehoods. So there!

I'm a little late getting to this post. First, I loved it..thank you. I recently lost the 10 pounds I've been obsessing about for the past 10 years. Now that I'm here, I'm still obsessing. If only I could lose 3 more pounds, no maybe 5 more, could I lose another 10? It sad. I am a size 6. Of course being morbidly obese is not healthy, but you are FAR from that. You are curvy and beautiful. Beauty is loving ourselves. Here is one of my favorite quotes by Audrey Hepburn...

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowlege that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

You helped me today. Good luck on your journey. You're beaufiful as you are. Truly.

That is a wonderful sentiment, this whole post. I wish the world would see past the fat the way I can. I wish people would be less concerned with looks. I wish people could find my fat body as beautiful as I see it. But I suppose that's why we have Weight Watchers..

I am overweight, (juicy)... And my boyfriend is at an ideal weight for his height... He works out every day. I don't. He has high blood pressure, serious cholesterol issues, and blood sugar problems....i am healthier 50 lbs overweight than he is in his prime. If you ask me (and I am not a doctor) it's 75% attitude. I am happy in my skin, he strives to be something his body doesn't like. And one more thing...he has sleep apnea...my fat a sleeps just fine. Juicy girl1 pushup guy 0. I win. Just saying....and p.s. My word verification was bikedat. So bikedat sucka, thuglife...now back to my brownie sundae.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. oh my gosh....err gracious {i should practice what i preach right? that gosh is a "bad word"!}!!! i just love what you said "i want to heal, to cure, myself from the disease of body image illness". that just resonated through me.....and through me. i think that can apply to anyone.....even me sitting here reading your posts and watching your video's and thinking.....MAN that girl is funny and whitty and PERFECTLY beautiful....then in turn i'm sitting here negatively judging myself. i need to heal myself.....to know that i am who God created me to be PERFECT in HIS image. STOP THE MADDENING COMPARING!! Thank you for your beautiful writings. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! WOW!

Thank you so much for this, you verbalized exactly what i'm going through and you also injected some much needed perspective into the cycle of negative thinking I've been stuck in. I read this post aloud to my sister, sobbing as I read, and I can't wait to share it with others as well.