I so so so understand the black & white thoughts. It's a tough thing to get around and great that you are seeing it takes some small steps. You can't tackle every chocolate bar at once (well, you could, but you'd be pretty sick). One square at a time

I would strongly suggest you check out the book "Primal Body, Primal Mind" and "The Mood Cure". The second book is what I base my supplements off of for depression. I've taken Wellbutrin, though not for quite a while, and I prefer amino acids to any SSRI I've ever tried (which has been several).

To be honest, chocolate/sugar are not my problems right now. I have been doing really well. I have fallen in love with cooking delicious natural food. I definitely notice less violent mood swings induced by the large amount of sugars. I don't even want to eat out anymore. I love eating primal. I do get tempted by alcohol though living in New Orleans...

I have had a combo of depression/anxiety (more so the former) since I can remember. I lived in Perú for 2 years about a year ago. I got a taste of peace, happiness, simple joy & I loved it. When I came back stateside things slowly slid back to how they were before. I have been sliding down that terrible rabbit hole since September. I hit bottom when a guy crushed me (always causes me to hit bottom) and have minimally recovered since.

I put my foot down & said okay I have had a brief glimpse of happiness/normalcy & I want it back. I saw a psychiatrist (put me on minimal dose of Wellbutrin), changed to primal (from CW relatively clean diet), took up yoga, started taking Omega3 & now have entered cognitive behavioral therapy. The thing is that my brain is so damaged, I worry it's not fixable. I essentially want to learn how to not be depressed. I always describe it as drowning & knowing you need help but not wanting to call out. This is the first time I've invested myself in the process & I really want it to work so badly; something clicked. I don't want to/hate the idea of being on a drug (makes me feel weak) but if it helps me in combination with other things then I guess I can suck up my pride.

Discovering G&B 85% dark chocolate, smoked salmon & yoga progress

I went to WF yesterday & bought a lot of meat. Thinking about it I probably spend the same amount of money on food (& booze) that I did before, maybe even less. I have really started enjoying cooking my own food; it sparks my creativity & experimentation & seems to be a bit therapeutic. I realized I would really love to have someone to share my cooking with but I need to focus on me right now. That's right; it's all about me & getting better & moving my life in a positive direction.

I am so full from this salad. I added an extra egg for more protein but I think I will not be hungry until much later. Yoga was amazing. I am making such strides in my poses & overall strength. When I am on my yoga mat I can focus on just yoga & today the oojai (sp?) breathing style finally clicked. I feel so content/in the moment/connected to the earth. I know it's helping me. My goal is to try & take some of that away from the mat.

Starting 5-HTP

So I ordered & started reading The Mood Cure. It makes a lot of sense to me about the serotonin & other neurotransmitter deficiencies. I decided to start 5-HTP and am debating going off of my Wellbutrin but I'm not sure yet. Now is an okay time to experiment because I don't have classes. My psychiatrist is not going to be happy lol.

Here's what I had for dinner. I really LOVE cooking. It's so much fun.

2 am sugar binge ughhhhhhh

Well I spent all day reading about depression/anxiety. It made me panic & buy tons of new supplements (spent so much $). I seem to be deficient in everything the book, The Mood Cure, says. I fit all the categories of a horribly adapted, depressed person. I immediately purchased the 5-HTP as they act on serotonin & I have responded? to SSRIs before indicating possible serotonin deficiency. I am currently on Welbutrin which acts on norepinephrine & and a bit on dopamine too. I have to see my psychiatrist on Monday & am terrified. I know he's just going to want to increase my dose. He already knows that I feel pretty negatively about antidepressants & I'm hoping that we can at least see eye-to-eye.

This panic/reading all day lead to chosen insomnia until 2ish am. I started to get hungry so I went for some almond butter. Bad idea. I decided to dip dark chocolate in it. Not satisfying enough. I noticed my roommates' sweets which she always offers me (bless her heart) and dig in: a chocolate macadamia nut cookie, a few scoops of ice cream & finally a cheese stick. Damage was done.

This morning I still woke up at my normal 8 am time with a wicked headache. I was not surprised; that is the most sugar my body has consumed in a while. Now I am going to force myself to do my planned 12 minute AMRAP & go about my day. It's supposed to be sunny so I want to OD on vitamin D. Also protein; if I am deficient in any of the aforementioned shitstorm of nutrients most of them are found in protein sources. My protein has been coming in at around 70-90ish grams a day. I do yoga on most days & try to walk a few miles for fun so I'm thinking I should be shooting for well over 100 grams. Should I think about adding back in dairy? It would give me both a protein boost: greek yogurt & cottage cheese (of the full-fat variety).

What about going for something like a sweet potato or fruit instead of the more condensed sweets (chocolate & ice cream)? None of those things are bad to be eating anyway, but seeing them os off-limits is probably going to cause more problems while you're trying to avoid them. I know it sounds counter-intuitive. I had to allow myself super wheaty things (like pizza and burgers with regular old buns) for a month or two on the weekends before I felt really comfortable choosing not to have them. I knew they would make me feel bad, but I still wanted to eat them.

If dairy doesn't bother your digestion, I see no reason why you shouldn't be eating it.

What about going for something like a sweet potato or fruit instead of the more condensed sweets (chocolate & ice cream)? None of those things are bad to be eating anyway, but seeing them os off-limits is probably going to cause more problems while you're trying to avoid them. I know it sounds counter-intuitive. I had to allow myself super wheaty things (like pizza and burgers with regular old buns) for a month or two on the weekends before I felt really comfortable choosing not to have them. I knew they would make me feel bad, but I still wanted to eat them.

If dairy doesn't bother your digestion, I see no reason why you shouldn't be eating it.

You bring up a good point. My carbs yesterday were very low for me at around 50 g. I am keeping track occasionally to gauge my foods. I am not trying to be super restrictive but maybe a bit more fruit wouldn't hurt. I'm making potato salad of sorts for a party today so I will eat some potatoes. If I stay up late (which I really have no need to do anymore) I tend to get hungry because well, many hours have passed since I last ate. I should have grabbed one of my trail mix baggies of nuts & a few dried cherries & called it good. Next time.

Just call it a cheat day...

My eating was super disordered today as I was feeling really hopeless about being hopeless (haha) for forever. I feel better now after some serenity yoga & Game of Thrones viewing party with friends. I ate lots of crap at the party including: cheese/sausage, meatballs (made with breadcrumbs), asparagus, a bite of cake & champagne with juices. I'm calling it a cheat evening (it wasn't that bad) & not feeling guilty. Back on it tomorrow...

I am still absolutely dreading my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I will express my concerns & goals & see what he says. I know he's going to want to up the Wellbutrin dosage since I have seemingly plateaued. *crosses fingers that he's open-minded/understanding*

It's supposed to be nice so I am going to enjoy my last few unemployed days laying by the pool with a good book.

Figuring things out but still disordered eating patterns

So my psychiatrist did up my Wellbutrin to 300 mg. We had a nice visit & we both really want me to get better, actually better not just a response to medication. I am still looking at this as a temporary thing. Once I start to feel better then I will consider cutting it. I am still going to take the 5-HTP twice a day (lunch & dinner). I also added 1000 iu vitamin D; it's not going to hurt anything even if I do get sun. I also may take some B-complex. These are in addition to the fish oil & multivitamin I already take.

I am also going to discontinue my birth control pill. I have been on BC since I was 16 (irregular cycle) and since I have sworn off men (they cause me more problems than they are worth) it seems like an okay decision. I'm a little worried though that I will have mood swings...but maybe it will be the other way around. I also read that they can make you retain water so maybe I will retain less. *crosses fingers*

My eating today has been less than ideal. I have not planned well. Oops.

Tattoo & chicken thighs

So I got my first tattoo. It's an Andean cross on my shoulder. I love it! I feel pretty upbeat today after the meeting with my psychiatrist & getting the tattoo. I had a lot of anxiety about it so it felt like I was conquering a fear. Eating still mehhhhh. I did cook a bunch of chicken thighs.

3:30
Sardines in tomato sauce, radishes

6:00
Banana: I needed something before the tattoo in my stomach; was worried I might pass out. No need for the worry.