HJ: Developing self-confidence is not so much about force as it as about clearing away all of that which stands in the way of you experiencing your true self. Because your true self is pure love—is divine—and wherever pure love and the divine exist, there is never a lack of confidence. There is simply awareness of the greatness from which you emerge and that is you.

That was my experience for most of my life. My confidence was dependent on how I felt I was doing.

If I did well, I felt good. If I struggled, I lost confidence very quickly.

It didn’t seem to matter how many times I succeeded, doubting myself was just one slip up away. And I was exceptionally hard on myself when I failed.

So I drove myself harder and harder. I overworked. I was determined not to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough. So I read, studied, and experienced. My confidence was always on the other side of the next book, course, or program.

Until I burned out.

I couldn’t keep up the pace. And I’m so grateful for that. Recovering from the health difficulties that come with burnout required that I change the way I was relating to myself and challenge the basic assumptions that I was making about what I was capable of.

I had to pay close attention on a minute-by-minute basis to the choices I was making and my self-talk. How was I treating myself? How did I respond when I made mistakes?

Most of us have been taught to have conditional confidence. We can feel good and confident when things are going well, but we struggle to keep motivated when things are hard. We are hard on ourselves when we slip up. We are critical, judgmental, and harsh.

So we up the effort. We overwork, over-prepare, needing to keep ahead of the possibility of failure that we imagine is just around the corner.

We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.

Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that is not dependent on external signs of success. An unshakable confidence that allows us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to trust ourselves enough to keep taking the next step, even when circumstances look dismal.

Imagine that you could go through life trusting in your capability, in your ability to meet the challenges in a way that could bring about a successful outcome.

What a relief that would be!

Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you could take risks and stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you made mistakes (which you inevitably will as part of the growth and learning process) you would pick yourself up quickly, acknowledge yourself for your effort, and make any changes that we needed, based on your new learning.

Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, believes that changing from self-criticism to self-compassion is the key to resilience in the face of challenge.

People who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to be depressed or anxious, and they have greater confidence in their ability to succeed.

Self-compassion involves three components:

Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical

Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience

Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems.

How to Become Kinder to Yourself

1. Start by noticing the way you speak to yourself.

Especially when you slip up (in your eyes). Increasing your awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t be tempted to skip it. Most of us want to rush ahead and make changes instantly.

2. Gently start practicing a different response.

This may seem a bit silly at first, depending on how deeply entrenched your critical and judgemental response is. Mine was very well practiced, so it did feel awkward for a long time. But do persist. Even tiny changes can make a huge difference to how you feel and what you are able to do.

3. Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.

Sometimes when you are stuck in a judgemental pattern, it can be very hard to make changes in the moment. What I found worked in these times was to have someone else hold that voice for me, so I would spend time with someone who embodied kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.

4. Practice, practice, practice!

Change happens with the consistent efforts made over time, not the big once-off attempts. Stay with this; it will make all the difference in the long run.

This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Pay attention and develop new ways of relating to yourself. Surround yourself with encouraging people who can help you remember your intention.

Alison Breen is a psychologist, consultant and coach who helps people live more conscious, happy and healthy lives. She is also the founder of Becoming Superfluid, a resource to help people overcome the barriers that hold them back. Sign up for her free guide to overcoming fear and doubt to get more done!