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Dollars and Sense

Get ready folks. This is in our future.

I’ve been saying it for months, but now once and for all I’ve put my money where my balls are. Last night, I made the largest bet of my entire life on one simple fact: that Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather will fight. You can take it to the bank. I know I will (wink with “bing” sound effect).

People have been saying this isn’t gonna happen forever, but it just makes too much financial sense. Both guys are gonna walk away with like a hundred million dollars. For one night’s work. Sheeeit, I’ll fight a Silverback gorilla for that kinda dough. There’s literally only two fighters who could conjure up such outlandish figures, and it damn sure ain’t a re-match of Mayweather versus my delivery man. I’d rather watch piss dry than see that pillow-fight again. And it’s Conor’s biggest fight by far as well. Unless he fights fuckin Ronda Rousey, he ain’t gonna make a tenth of what he’ll in the UFC for boxing Mayweather.

And the promoters are gonna make more money than they could with any other possible fight. It’s gonna be the biggest PPV of all-time. Easily. Even though you know they’ll charge like a hundred friggin bucks for it. Everybody wins. The public included.

Because although we all know the fight itself will likely suck balls, just imagine all the fun and hi-jinks leading up to it? The press conferences? The shit-talking? The inevitable brawl at the weigh-in? It’s gonna be spectacular.

People keep complaining it’s just a circus. Well I’m glad the circus is coming to town. And let’s not get on our fuckin high horses about how it’s disrespecting hallowed sports like boxing and mixed martial arts. Disrespectful to boxing? How the fuck is that even possible? The truth about boxing is so despicable there’s no reason to even make anything up. Besides dog-fighting, it’s probably the grimiest sport in the world. But don’t kid yourself either—MMA’s not much better, it’s just newer so it’s a little more sanitary. But any sport where you can watch a pretty girl get kicked in her fuckin head and knocked unconscious shouldn’t be telling anybody about morality.

Either way, on the phone the other night, as a traditional and world-famous “Penny Bet” soared exponentially higher as me and my dumbass friend argued more and more drunkenly, the dust settled on a hundred samollions. That’s what the loser pays the winner. It might not sound like much, but remember it started out at a penny. There was a lotta room to go up.

But finally my highly-anticipated prediction about the unprecedented upcoming contest itself. In a perfect world, this is what I would have happen: Conor and Floyd have three fights. First a boxing match, then an MMA bout, and finally to settle it once and for all, they take it to the streets for a Rocky V-style fistfight to the finish. I’m like Bong King.