5 Lessons My Tween Has Taught Me About Social Media

“Mom, don’t take that picture!” she yells as she covers her head with her blanket. The morning is cool, dark and quiet, and her stern tone changes this serene moment immediately. But it was too late for her, as I had already snapped a picture of the scene. “I hope you didn’t take that!” she continues “And if you did, don’t post it on Instagram or Facebook!”

I’m hurt and surprised by her harsh words, yet at the same time I get what she means and why she said them.

Posted with permission

What I saw, as I looked over my coffee and across the room, was a beautiful scene of father and daughter together working on her algebra homework. I saw a family moment to freeze in time – a time to remember when she was in middle school and needed some help on a few equations. I wanted to remember these early mornings of school and homework and “tweendom” that will fade into just another blip of one of the ages of childhood.

Yet what she saw was only herself – with early morning bedhead, and wearing old pajamas. She saw her sleepy eyes and her dad’s messed up hair. She saw herself sitting too closely to her dad while during the day she likes to give off that teenage vibe that she happily keeps her parents at a comfortable distance of coolness and independence. She wants to let people know that she typically brushes her hair and wears skinny jeans.

I get that.

I recently untagged myself from a photo that a friend posted on Facebook. He messaged me asking why I untagged myself, as what he saw was a photo full of happy memories with an old group of friends from nearly 30 years ago. What I saw was me, an 18 year old who was horribly unhappy and unhealthy on the inside, and has spent years trying to delete any pictures that were taken from that time. His tagging me brought that girl front and center and I could not hit delete, delete, delete fast enough.

So I get that what I view as a beautiful family moment, she can view as a moment of ugly morning hair. And a few years ago, as her mother I would’ve posted it without her knowledge or opinion. A few years ago she was not on social media. I’m also pretty sure almost every “Mommy Blogger” has at one time or another written a post about what is “our” story versus what is “their” story as our children have gotten older. Because while posting pictures of your toddler playing in the mud is all fun games, well posting pictures of your tween with her friends is off limits.

But this really has nothing to do with what is my story of motherhood versus their story of being my child. This has to do with how I now feel a new responsibility for what I share because my daughter is now on social media.

After begging for an Instagram account for over ONE MILLION YEARS(her account of the situation, it was actually just a few months), because EVERYONE in the whole world is on Instagram besides her, I opened an account for her on her 12th birthday. Honestly, I’m still not comfortable with the whole thing even though our parental controls are probably better than Target’s IT firewalls, but we decided this would be an easy way for her to enjoy her first steps into social media under our careful watch before the crap really hits the fan and her access explodes as she gets older. Believe me, I want to move my family to a yurt in Siberia when I think about Snapchat, cyber bullying, and hell even Tinder.

What I did not expect from letting her have an Instagram account though, was that she would teach me a lesson or two about my own social media behavior.

This is what my daughter being on social media has taught me about living life online…

1. Think before you post. What goes online stays online. You are leaving a permanent record out there for everyone to see and Google. Is this a post or picture that you want to remember forever? Having my daughter on social media has made me really stop before I post anywhere and the responsibility that it truly holds.

2. It’s not just about you. Sure, you loved the picture, but is it something that will hurt your friend or a family member? Ask permission. While yes, I own the stories about my motherhood – they are not mine alone. I now take time to discuss posts and pictures with my kids and if they don’t like something – I don’t post it or talk about it. Mutual respect belongs front and center both on and off social media.

3. Know who your friends are. My personal Facebook page has become a ‘mess’ of people. A few years back I started friending anyone who requested to be my friend if we had a few mutual friends in common. But now, I really wonder who most of these people are. As I now have to approve who follows my daughter’s Instagram account – it’s really made me go back into my accounts and make a stronger line between what I post personally and what I want to keep on my professional pages, and I’m cleaning up my accounts.

4. Post because it’s important to you, not because of “Like Currency.” We all get caught up in how “viral” a post or picture goes. Admit it, you do. You might be 45 years old but having 50 likes on a Facebook post sure feels better than having two. Sometimes we never leave the angst and emotional turmoil of puberty, amiright? So having this exact discussion with my daughter – telling her to post pictures she loves on Instagram because she loves them, not because they will be popular, has helped me with what I share and how I don’t need to waste so much time finding the right filter so people will like my picture more. I’ve always found that the posts and pictures that resonate the most are the ones that tell my truth anyway. The rest doesn’t matter.

5. Put your phone down. Does every moment really need to be captured? Live in the moment. When my daughter first joined Instagram, she was on her phone ALL THE TIME. And I saw myself in her. Was I really doing this too? Was the picture I just took more important than the moment that I just spent with my kids. Sure, social media is fun and exciting, but the person sitting right in front of me is even more important. Don’t let social media manage your time. Manage your time on social media. This has been one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from watching my own daughter start her own journey online.

Just like everything with parenting – we all learn together as we go and they grow. She will make mistakes just like we will make mistakes, but watching her explore social media over the past two months has taught me a lot as a parent as I reflect on my own behavior online. Sometimes I watch her with great delight as she improves her photography skills, but then I go into her “friend approval” list and cringe over the people who have found her account.

Parenting – it’s wonder mixed with a healthy amount of worry. Yet currently as we dip our toes into the shallow end of the social media pool – it’s honestly worry mixed with a healthy amount of wonder.

About Tracy

My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, world traveler, and marathon runner. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com

Comments

this is why I have almost entirely fallen off the blogging train. While I want to blog to capture the memories – the kids are getting older and they deserve their privacy……………………..Time for some good old fashioned scrapbooking in the privacy of my own home, I guess.darcie recently posted..Gordmans – Our happy place…& a Gift Card Giveaway!

Our kids get a lot of social media education at school (Light, Bright, and Polite!), and I feel like I am learning along with them. I don’t monitor every single thing they do in favor of almost constantly talking about healthy online habits. Eventually (so soon!), all of their decisions will be made by them. I hope they have the tools to make wise ones by the time they fly away from my nest.Andrea recently posted..Eight Ways To Beat The Winter Blahs Out Of Your Children

My teenage son says he doesn’t like social media because he doesn’t want to have preconceived notions about people based on their profiles or online activity. I had never really thought about it that way. Like you said, we learn a lot from them.Shannon recently posted..Lessons from Winter Break

Instagram posts for this age tends to focus on desserts and fashion but I hope you are aware of the direct messaging part of Instagram. More private and so that is where some of the not nice stuff happens.

Love #5 especially. I hate when I see people whip their phones out when they’re sitting down at a table for a meal. Why not talk to each other, instead of take a picture of your food and post it on Instagram? (not to say I’ve never done it before, but I am increasingly conscious of the time I spend on my phone when I’m with other people)Alison recently posted..Through The Lens Thursday: Polka Dots

This is good stuff. Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned. I’m still on the fence with my teen/tween. My 13 yr old son wants Instagram but doesn’t care too much about it. My almost 11 yr old daughter really wants Instagram and will probably care way too much about it. Ahhhh.Angela Youngblood recently posted..Be For Something

love this. Love these tips. Still not looking forward to whatever the newfangled deal is when my girls reach this age. I’ll be calling up Tracy the Pro. Halp!Leigh Ann recently posted..fitting life into…life

We are a few years away from needing to think about this (my daughter is almost 7.5) but I do constantly watch parents of older children like you for guidance to see how thing play out and what kind of advice I can tuck away for when it’s our turn. Thanks for giving me some good ideas here, especially #3 and 5. I actually did a major Facebook cleanout last year because I was not comfortable with some people being that intimately tied to my life when they barely otherwise have given me the time of day in 20+ years. That was a very good process to go through.Kristen recently posted..Idle, Idol

That is a lovely moment. For me, the last year, the year my daughter turned 13 was harder and tougher than anything I’ve ever navigated as a parent. Heck. As nothing in my life shook me like it. Her adolescence is magnified by issues and questions of “who am I” springing from our adoption of her at 5 weeks. I used to write a local column. My children were the comedic subjects. Now I don’t dare blog or write about her. On a positive note. At 14, she once again will whisper she loves me — after months of screaming I’m not her mother. I’m living your words about learning as we go. Moment by moment.Jamie@southmainmuse recently posted..Let it Go…memories.

I love this, Tracy. One of my favorite things is that we have daughters the same age; I feel like we’re heading into this wilderness together. Grace recently deleted Instagram from her phone for a bit because, as she told me, it was making her feel badly. I think the most hurtful thing is the group posts that show people together having fun. One of our rules is no group photos. Like you say, I’m learning so much from her. xox

Love this so much. I’m scared as hell of my kids getting older and getting on social media. Hell my 7 year old just received his first love letter in the mail and I nearly had a heart attack. Love these tips and love what you learned. Now I’m wondering who my FB friends are … 🙂Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..How to Achieve Balance in Fitness, Healthy Eating and Life

This is so interesting to me. Thank you for blazing the trail on this because it’s on the horizon for me pretty soon too! And I’m really not sure how I feel about it. I’m glad you’re learning from this experience too. Numbers 3 and 5 are so important!Elaine A. recently posted..It’s All About Me

Such a great post with so much wisdom. It’s so good to take our own advice, isn’t it? I loved every example.

Especially excellent point about “know you your friends are.” I also have accepted so many requests on my personal page that i started considering canceling the blog one because as it was feeling redundant. Thing is– I do want some separation and I regret not being brave enough from the get go to say, “HI there! I have a Facebook page for my blog at . . . . ” Maybe I worried it seemed to self-important or something, but I do regret just pressing “accept” as long as we had common friends. Because you know what happens two minutes later in 8 out of 10 cases when I accept the personal “friendship?” I get sent an invite to like THAT person’s FB page blog page. Yup.Nina recently posted..Do Listen Read: Early February

My advice would be to keep social media out of the lives of your children for as long as you can (we didn’t get our children phones until they were in 9th grade, text only phones).

It becomes a constant distraction for them, and adds undo stress and anxiety to their lives, comparing themselves with everyone they know. It also doesn’t allow them to disconnect from all of their friends (who they just spent 8 hours with at school). The hours spent doing social media is time not spent on more worthwhile activities. Do you know that kids spend 7-11 hours a day on tech devices? That is longer than an adult workday. Also, the majority of these kids have no filters or parental controls on their devices so we are throwing them into an adult world before they are truly ready.

Parents, we need to protect our kids, and allow them to be kids.. Just because “everyone” is doing it is the reason NOT to do it! Encourage and support them in starting a new hobby, learning a musical instrument, doing homework, reading a book, taking a bike ride, babysitting kids or getting a job at the local grocery store.

Welcome

Hi and welcome to Sellabit Mum. My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting three girls. I run marathons and love to talk about fitness. We also love to travel and model social good with our family. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned writer, social media maven(not really) and ruler of my own little universe(very small). Aren't we all. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com