The year that will be . . . crystal ball reveals all the usual suspects

Goodness, after 2003, with its Swiss trading scandals, jailing of prominent portly stockbrokers and bankrupting of name-dropping private investigators, one could hardly imagine an improvement in the quality of scandal.

But improve it will in the Chinese year of the monkey, with half the eastern suburbs rapidly severing any links with the Swiss subsidiary of an Israeli bank named Bank Leumi and the other half grasping their seats tightly and waiting to be dobbed in care of the train of plea bargaining begun by an unassuming accountant who goes by the name of Bill Howard.

In that pig trough they call politics, aspirant Malcolm Turnbull's fate shall be decided in his attempt to mount another challenge.

Meanwhile, our high-minded Prime Minister shall struggle with the adage "If they're below your standards lower your standards". The scary new star of Labor, Mark Latham, may have tried to appeal to the blue-collar mob by adopting terms such as suckholes, something that the little man would never consider doing. Then again, we have no doubt that an unassuming bloke like John would stop at absolutely nothing to retain the prime ministership.

Some bars OK

In 2004, Rene Rivkin will not go to jail. Now there's an outlandish prediction. That absurdly spoilt adult will continue to avoid doing any porridge at all, unless, of course, he can wangle it with the Director of Public Prosecutions to serve out his weekend detention on his multimillion dollar motor yacht Dajoshadita.

Sauce reckons anyway that Rene's life would be a bit of a prison. The thought of spending hours in glutinous indulgence surrounded by a group of vacuous teenagers would be enough punishment for anyone.

But the taxpayer can take comfort that at least Rivkin's litigation woes are keeping poor blokes like Gilbert & Tobin's Mark O'Brien in clover. We almost feel pity for Rene. Imagine partaking of all those Christmas celebrations at the best of Sydney's fine dining establishments while suffering such troubles of the mind. He at least must be given credit for showing up the legal system as farcical.

Why, just before Christmas Rivkin was spotted by a Sauce spy in Macquarie Street sporting a new Mercedes, retractable hard-top and all with the (rather expensive) number plate "56", clearly having just finished lunch.

Not quite 556A, which used to be the Crimes Act section under which no conviction is recorded. If the DPP does ever manage to get him back into Silverwater, we predict there will be another collapse of Oscar proportions in the check-in lounge at the jail, which will result in a return trip to hospital, where he so memorably complained about the poor manner in which he was wheeled about.

Once there, hopefully Mercedes-brand motorised wheelchairs will have been installed so Rene can get around quickly enough for his liking. Or the hospital will have hired a few Jana Pittman-types to push him around in the manner to which he is accustomed.

An alarming prospect

Certainly we can see the possibility of Rene becoming interested in funding any business relating to the privatisation of prisons.

And what a sterling business plan it would be if two of the all-time best business partners, Rocket Rod Adler and Brad "The Canary" Cooper, put their minds into developing a new security system for jails.

Home Security International was such a profitable business for the pair during the days of FAI that we can most definitely see financial potential in revisiting the concept.

Even better, there are hardly going to be any complaints from the customers - the inmates. And any profits can help pay for the pair's legal bills.

Graham Richardson will rise to the top, as is his style, joining the Qantas board and filling the gap created by Trevor Kennedy, for his services to boosting Qantas's revenue from long haul flights - namely the Sydney-Zurich route. Kennedy, of course, let Qantas down in that regard. He made a point of going to Switzerland as rarely as possible, as he told his Swiss lawyers in a letter.

Kennedy, aka Lord of Horse Island, will repair to his own private NSW holiday isle in the middle of Tuross Lake in the wake of the Swiss share trading scandal. There have been rumours he has been attempting to wield his influence with the Minister for Immigration, to have the island excised from Australian ownership.

Sadly the Government is interested only in excising islands that provide landing spots for individuals who have arrived on leaky boats.

One more for the road

Having bought himself another two years at the head of the Naturally Annoying Motorists Association, Rosco Turnbull is likely to let his hair down after what was a bit of a trying year.

Yes, presidency of the road association left something to be desired, as not only was he asked to repay his excessive expenses, but he got in a strop with his old mate Bob Frost over who ordered the printing of Rosco's private electioneering guff.

Sauce can only hope that he does his level best to continue to live up to his nickname, Sir Lunchalot. (As would the Italian restaurateurs around town, including Lucio Galletto, Caterina and Giovanna Toppi of Machiavelli and Armando Percuoco of Buon Ricordo.)

In previous years, Sir Lunchalot was also known as Sir Move About a Lot.

There was the time he left Ian Kortlang's apartment in the Astor building on Macquarie Street after a rent dispute. He reckoned he wanted to buy the apartment, but sadly the body corporate didn't want him to.

Then there was Michael Ball's Renzo Piano apartment, which he also eventually vacated, after another rent dispute. Rosco vows the place had a lift problem, which meant he had to schlep all the way up 14 flights of stairs for a couple of weeks. All fine reasons, we reckon, for not paying one's rent.

This year, Rosco will no doubt come a cropper at his preferred abode, Bent Street's Union Club, when he again has a little disagreement over rent. Among his reasons for not keeping up? Because you can't use your mobile phone in the club's breakfast room, of course.

Cough up please, ladies

On the topic of debt, Sauce was reasonably surprised to learn that Pymble has been outed as the unlikely hot spot for bad debt in 2004.

Taking a leaf from the book of her husband, the banker Peter Mason, Kate Mason, otherwise known as chairman of the council of Pymble Ladies College, has let rip in her letter to parents regarding fees.

According to Her Masonship, the council has "serious concerns about the level of debt of a number of families".

Credit cards are, of course, accepted, although totting up the fees on the gold Amex is probably not a sensible option, given the school council will charge an extra 1.5 per cent for the privilege.

Mr Lucy bites his tongue

Sadly, the spat between Mr Lucy Turnbull and the aforementioned master of the English tongue, Mark Latham, won't make it to the defamation courts. The matter was resolved after Latham apologised.

With his famed lust for litigation, Turnbull wasted no time in whacking a defo action through the Canberra court in November after Latham popped up in parliament and outside it with the most ridiculous claim that Turnbull's involvement in the HIH collapse made him unfit for public office.

Deer, oh deer

Sauce couldn't help but notice in the pages of The Australian Financial Review that a stunning deer farm had found its way onto the market late last year.

Criffel Deer Farm, in New Zealand, is for sale by international tender. We presume it will be a highly sought-after proposition, if one takes into consideration the numerous flash types, including the country music singer Shania Twain, left, who have shown interest in the slash of land.

Perhaps the Perth property developer Warren Anderson, having learnt a thing or two about how not to keep animals in his private zoo at his Tipperary property in the Northern Territory - he was subjected to scurrilous accusations of starving the non-human residents by the Northern Territory Government - will look to other climes for opportunities for zoological pursuits.

In this case the deer farm is close to Wanaka in the South Island. Given the region's propensity for precipitation, snow in particular, we presume Anderson will be able to keep the animals hydrated.