Blumenthal, McMahon Make Head Spin

August 22, 2010|By Colin McEnroe, To Wit

I speak for many of my fellow citizens when I say: we are not even two weeks into the Blumenthal-McMahon U.S. Senate campaign and already my head hurts. If the two candidates cannot pace themselves, the path to the polls on Nov. 2 may be littered with people whose brains have imploded from political rage virus.

I checked the calendar, and it only feels like there are 422 weeks to go before Election Day. There's only so much political depravity we can absorb.

On the plus side, the campaign has called a lot of attention to the bad things that can happen to wrestlers who, judging from the record, must frequently gaze with envy upon the cushy occupational set-up those West Virginia coal miners have.

We're starting to see a pattern of early deaths among wrestlers, often from heart problems following steroid and painkiller use. Under the leadership of Vince and Linda McMahon, the WWE has swiftly reacted by: a) getting more wrestlers and b) developing a WWE "wellness" program.

The wellness program is a great source of pride for Linda McMahon. Wrestlers, for example, now know that you should have five servings of fruits and vegetables before ripping the rope off a ring and using it to protractedly choke your enemy. Also, if someone leaps off the turnbuckle and kicks you in the face, you should floss immediately after the match to dislodge unwanted particles of athletic shoe.

McMahon says these deaths — and there are at least nine of them that seem to fit the steroid-related pattern — represent unfortunate lifestyle choices as opposed to proof of the WWE's depraved indifference to human life. After all, it's not as if the McMahons anchor their 47-foot yacht, Sexy Bitch, by throwing a chain around an especially heavy wrestler and dumping him overboard, right? I mean, that never happens, right?

Hello?

She also chided reporters for making her "spend so much time talking about the WWE," as opposed to her other qualifications, such as the pressing need for a U.S. senator named Linda.

Not to be outdone, Attorney General Richard Blumenthal last week clawed his way of the dense lunar spore which has encased him for several months and unveiled a flashy new campaign message, easily summed up as "I am not one of the people you hate."

Blumenthal emphasized last week that, despite having held public office since the presidency of William Howard Taft, he has "never been an insider." He also mentioned his frequent differences with incumbent Sen. Chris Dodd, who almost always asks for the prime rib at political banquets whereas Blumenthal pre-orders the baked scrod. That's just one example.

In distancing himself from Dodd, Blumenthal demonstrates his ability to learn. In 2006, Dodd gave the nominating speech for a compromised incumbent senator named Joe Lieberman and supported him through the primary season. This was sort of like going to a puppy shelter and somehow managing to walk out with a spitting cobra on a leash, but I don't think Dodd regrets it except with every particle of his being.

(Lieberman, I observe parenthetically, had a nice moment last week when an establishment in Troy, N.Y., named a waffle after him. Also honored by Brown's Brewing were other beloved American fence-sitters such as Brett Favre and Benedict Arnold.)

Still, Blumenthal's treatment of Dodd opened up a hitherto unsuspected reservoir of love and admiration for Dodd in the heart of Republican state chairman Chris Healy, who issued a statement noting Dodd's excellent manners, uncomplaining forbearance and many acts of kindness toward Blumenthal. How could Blumenthal treat Dodd with anything less than the warm, smoochy wraparound of affection that Healy feels for the departing senator? If this campaign can conjure up such beautiful Chris-on-Chris love, maybe our suffering is worth it.

So this is where we stand: Blumenthal wants to have his decades of public service ignored and to be regarded as some kind of rogue upstart charging onto the scene. And McMahon wants the fact that she has absolutely no qualifications beyond a willingness to spend a fortune on television commercials to be treated as the equivalent of decades of public service.

I told you. My head hurts.

Colin McEnroe appears from 1 to 2 p.m. weekdays on WNPR-FM (90.5) and blogs at http://blogs.courant.com/to_wit. He can be reached at Colin@wnpr.org.