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The First Issue in Any Massage

John Ellsworth, a massage therapist, understands clients’ concerns.Credit
Michael Kirby Smith for The New York Times

IT’S often the first, and most awkward, question at a spa: “Do you prefer a male or female massage therapist?”

Various thoughts may swirl through a client’s head. For many women, it brings up body issues and safety concerns: Will a male therapist be attracted to me? What if I forgot to shave my legs? Will they see my stretch marks?

For many men, it makes them self-conscious and tongue-tied: Will a female therapist be strong enough? If I choose a man, will they think I’m gay? What if I become aroused?

These are all valid questions, said John Ellsworth, a massage therapist in New York with 10 years’ experience. “You’re completely naked and someone is rubbing oil all over your body,” he said. “It’s a level of intimacy with a stranger that is unfamiliar for most people.”

Most women ask for female massage therapists, spa managers say. The same goes for men. Lynne McNees, president of the International Spa Association, attributes it to basic numbers. “Seventy percent of spa-goers are female, and there are more female therapists, so it makes sense that this would be the preference,” she said. Indeed, 85 percent of massage therapists in the United States are women, according to the American Massage Therapy Association.

But culture and nationality also play a role. American and Middle Eastern women tend to ask for masseuses, while Europeans often don’t care either way, said Sandra Sadowski, the spa director at the Ritz-Carlton in New York, which has a large international clientele.

Certain religions also dictate whether a client picks a male or female therapist. The concept of negiah, practiced by Orthodox Jews, restricts physical contact between those of opposite genders who are not related by blood or marriage. Islam also forbids a man to touch a woman who is not in his family, even with a barrier.

But in most cases, massage therapists say, clients choose a masseuse because of their own comfort level and biases.

Even women who see themselves as open-minded prefer a woman to give them a massage. Bettina Barrow, 31, a recent U.C.L.A. Law School graduate, believed she had no preference, until one experience changed her mind.

“I had a massage from a really good-looking therapist,” said Ms. Barrow, recalling an experience in Los Angeles. Being with a man made her nervous. “With a woman, I don’t think about it as much and I’m able to relax,” she added.

Robin Duffy, a massage therapist with private practices in North Carolina and New York, points to another reason that women prefer a female therapist. Many of her clients, she said, treat their visit like a chat session among gal pals. “It’s actually their way of relaxing: telling you all of these intimate details of their lives,” she said.

Photo

The therapist Robin Duffy says women like masseuses because they see it as a chat session.Credit
Marcus Yam for The New York Times

Men seem to prefer female therapists for different reasons. Some don’t want another man massaging their bodies, because it brings up uncomfortable associations with being gay. Ken Morris, spa director at the Canyon Ranch Spa in Tucson, Ariz., said that American men have very little physical contact with other men, apart from handshakes in a business setting or contact sports. “When do men physically touch each other?” he asked rhetorically.

But there are some instances where both women and men request a male therapist. The most commonly cited reason is that masseurs are stronger and can deliver a deeper massage.

Whether that’s true is up for debate. Ben Brown, a massage therapist at a Bliss Spa in New York, said this is a misconception. “Really good massage is about leverage,” he said. “You don’t have to be a male or female. You just have to be good and know how to use your body.”

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But Jay Anthony, a guest services counselor at the Ashram retreat in Calabasas, Calif., said he had seen guests gravitate toward male therapists over the course of their stay. “Many men will only wish to have a gentle, nurturing female therapist,” he said. “But by the end of the week, they want the strongest possible male therapists that can get into their muscles as deep as possible.”

Some women ask for male therapists because they feel competitive around other women. “They want to avoid the judgment they might feel from another woman,” said Mr. Ellsworth, the New York masseur. Other times, he added, “they want the attention of someone who might find them attractive.”

Then there is a more embarrassing reason for preferring a male therapist. For heterosexual men, having a guy give the massage may lessen the chances of becoming aroused, Mr. Ellsworth said. “If you’re not sexually attracted to the person, that is less likely to happen,” he added.

Not everyone agrees. George Powell-Lopez, general manager of the Red Door Spas Elizabeth Arden in New York, said that arousal during a massage is common, and sometimes has little to do with sexual attraction. “We’re moving blood around very quickly, and this happens sometimes,” he said.

When it does, therapists rely on their training. The first step is usually to ignore it. If that fails, they may redirect the massage to a neutral part of the body. And if the therapist senses that the session has taken on an inappropriate sexual tone, they may gently remind the client of the boundaries, saying, “This is not that type of massage.”

Therapists can just as easily end the massage, and report the situation to the spa manager or security. Cases of appointments being terminated are few, said Ms. Sadowski of the Ritz-Carlton, adding, “If the therapist is uncomfortable at any moment, they can simply leave the room.”

“You don’t want to lose a massage client for the rest of their life because they were embarrassed,” Mr. Powell-Lopez said.

The question of masseuse or masseur seems to matter less over time. Experienced spa-goers say they care less and less with each visit.

When Allan Share, president of the Day Spa Association, gets a massage, he said, he simply asks for the best therapist available. “I always get a chuckle from the receptionist like, ‘Oh, someone who gets it,’ ” he said.

A version of this article appears in print on September 16, 2012, on Page ST22 of the New York edition with the headline: The First Issue in Any Massage. Order Reprints|Today's Paper|Subscribe