The Greatest Gift Ever Given: MORE TURTLE FACTS

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Do you like it? That’s right, I got you just what you wanted: even more turtle facts. Honestly, the amount of facts I know is pretty much stupid. I don’t even remember how to tie my own shoes anymore, but I do know how to shout turtle facts at my sad, untied shoelaces. If you recall, these are all so true I should hit you in your dumb mouth for even suggesting they are false. I’m sorry I got mad there, but c’mon—you were attacking my facts! However, my ability to use proper MLA citations was replaced by yet more turtle facts, so you’ll just have to trust me.

1. Turtles do not swim; rather they propel themselves through the water by dancing.

2. A turtle’s shell can actually be peeled like an onion. Similarly, the act causes the peeler to cry, though not because it smells, but because you feel bad for undressing the turtle.

3. In Egyptian mythology, the goddess of beauty was a woman with the head of a turtle, and also the body of a turtle.

4. People of older times used to believe the world rested on the top of a turtle’s shell, a notion scientists today agree is “still correct.”

5. If you look directly into a turtle’s eyes you can see how you’re going to die, which is why turtle researchers are all so very gloomy.

6. Turtles know when pi ends. It’s after the 5.

7. According to the Urban Dictionary, the word “turtle” is a slang term for a deviant sexual act, in which “you take a girl out on a nice date and treat her really well and have a good time.”

8. Just like how light moves at light speed, so too do turtles move at “turtle speed,” which is roughly 1 turt/min. A turt, of course, is the length a turtle moving at turtle speed moves in one minute.

9. Turtles are technically a hybrid animal like the mule or the liger, and arise when a gecko mates with a helmet.

10. The word “Thursday” actually derives from the Norse word “Turtsday,” meaning “Day of the Turtle.” In Viking culture, this was the day the Vikings would traditionally revere the turtle, which the Vikings respected for its tough armor and clever jokes.

11. Turtles get pretty upset when you don’t call them. Come on, Jeremy, that turtle’s been texting you all day—you’re gonna hurt her feelings. You’re a real jerk, Jeremy.

12. Snorkeling was actually invented to give man the ability to watch turtles, and scuba diving was invented to give man the ability to kiss them.

13. A turtle’s bones are not made out of calcium, but rather lead. This is why most scientists agree turtles would survive a nuclear apocalypse.

14. Turtles are partially made out of a naturally occurring kind of rubber, so in fact whatever you say to them does bounce off of them, and subsequently may indeed stick to you. Other things that bounce off of turtles: tennis balls, small rocks, Frisbees.

15. A turtle never gets lost, because it never cares where it’s going.

16. If you square the sides of a turtle and add them together, it equals the square of the hypotenuse. This equation is referred to as the Pythagorean Turtle-Theorem.

17. Turtles know a sizeable sum of knots, which is why they make such good boy scouts and sailors. But what it doesn’t make them good at: knot-humility. Or I suppose you could say: it does knot make them good at humility. Did you see my clever joke? Yeah, I’m pretty proud, too. If you don’t get it at first, try saying it out loud. It’s pretty complicated.

18. Like bees, turtles produce their own “honey,” except it tastes nothing like honey and comes from a far worse orifice.

19. Turtles do not die, rather when they reach a certain mass they collapse upon themselves into an infinitely dense turtle singularity, or a “green hole.” Some scientists think other turtles are actually formed from the expansion of such a singularity, which would answer the age-old question: where do turtles come from?

20. Due to errors in descriptions featured in early texts, many scientists mistook other animals for turtles, including armadillos, hawks, and crabs. The animals never tried to correct the scientists; it was quite the compliment.

21. Turtles can drink any fluid, even gasoline, which makes them very good at dares.

22. Turtles know both the velocity and position of an electron, and will tell you if you dress up real good and take them out to dinner. “Oh, you want to know about that one? About 10 turts/min, Wichita, Kansas.”

23. Turtles like big butts, but about this fact they will lie.

24. There are only two ways to kill a turtle: a silver bullet, or asking very politely.

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About the Author

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.