Wealthiness is secret to life

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The oldest question in America is this: can money buy you happiness? Absolutely!

I buy my happiness all the time with things like pink chocolate, senators, and black-market memes.

The real key to self-gratification is remembering that your material needs are more important than anything and anyone else.

Nothing is more crucial to living a good life than making sure others know that you are better than they are, because rich people, the “top one percent,” are automatically in a higher plane of existence.

One of my biggest idols is President Trump. He is a bigot, superrrrr rich, and is 100 percent sure that he is a “yuge,” pretty, pretty comb-over-pumpkin. When I grow up, I want to be just like that.

One of my favorite things to do, just to flaunt my wealth, is flipping pennies at homeless people and giving one-dollar donations to only the most reputable charities like the Clinton Foundation, the “Starvation Army,” and Bill Gates’ retirement fund.

I feel the best when I am giving scholarships to high schoolers–for fake degrees (see front page Top Ten)–to help them accomplish their dreams that will never be realized because life is meaningless, and I am dead inside. It is quite a rush!

Sadly, all of this glam and glitter can be oh, so exhausting. When I reach that state of dreaded boredom, I find tweeting controversial statements very relaxing. Besides, it makes people talk about me, and it only makes my ego feel even more “tremendous!” At least, that is what everyone tells me.

With all this talk of money and fame, I wonder if that really is all that matters in life. Does life matter?

Nah! Bring on the fake news, CNN. Pay for that wall, Mexico. And President Trump? I still love your hair. I thought I would let ya know. Stay gold, Ponyboy.