A Husband's Promises

For every husband who could use a little reminding.

I will remember that I am your husband and that I love you. I will be kind to you.

I will appreciate you more and express it more often. I will model appreciation of you for our children to see.

I will not belittle you in any way, nor will I attack people who are dear to you.

I will remember that while it is you who lights the Shabbat candles, that wonderful symbol of shalom bayit, peace in the home, our harmony is not your responsibility alone. It is our responsibility; in fact, it is I who prepares the candles for your flame.

I will remember that you are not "one of the boys," and that I need to speak and act differently to you.

I will apologize more often, even if the hurt was unintentional. I know that since we are different people, it will be impossible not to hurt you at times. I will take responsibility, say, "I am sorry," and not accuse you of being overly sensitive.

I will focus more often on your positives and try not to nitpick. I’ve got my own nits. I will concentrate on your strengths, and not try to hold you to some inner image of what I think you should be. I will be more accepting of all of you, and remember that you, all of you, are the gift that God sent, just for me.

I will not try to control you or dictate to you. I will remember at all times that you are an adult, and I will not be paternalistic. You are not my child.

I will not tell you what your feelings are; they belong to you. I will trust with my feelings. I will allow myself to be vulnerable at times, even when this is difficult.

I will put the "hav" [give] back in ahavah [love] and remember the beautiful words of Rav Eliyahu Dessler, obm.: the secret to a joyous marriage is for each of us to focus on giving. The more we give, the more our love will grow.

I will not underestimate the power of small gestures, the special smile, the note, the small gift, the loving word.

I will daven [pray] for our marriage, asking God to give us the wisdom to help each other grow.

I will treat you with respect at all times. My actions, tone of voice, facial gestures and words will all reflect this solemn commitment.

I will not try to intimidate you by shouting, stamping my feet, blocking your way, violating your space and breaking things. I will control my anger and express it in non-threatening, non-destructive ways. If this proves too difficult, I will seek help.

I will try not to be so rigid in general, or so serious, be a little lighter.

I will make our marriage a priority. I will find some time every day to spend with you alone, for at least a few moments. I will make every effort to go out with you, when possible, several times a month. I know that all relationships need talking and time together. I know that the stronger the marriage, the more stable the family. Because while the children may act unaware, they see it all, the know it all, and the closer we are, the happier, more secure they are. I will remember that my efforts are an investment in eternity, and a source of joy for the Shechinah [Divine presence], the third partner in the triad of our Mishkan [Tabernacle].

I will take you seriously. Your opinions, your feelings, your decisions will all be treated with seriousness. I will not poke fun at you. And when I disagree with you, I will do so clearly and assertively, and in a fashion that in no way compromises your dignity. Your dignity is sacred.

I will remember the fragility of the human soul and the power of words -- words that can comfort, and support, and strengthen, and build, words that can bring closeness and beauty. And words that are like knives, words that cut, and damage, and destroy.

I will not use silence as a weapon.

I will remember that I don’t need to win every argument. Is winning so important that I ignore your hurt? I will actively seek a spirit of compromise.

I will smile more and laugh more with you. Even when I’m tired, so tired, and overwhelmed by work and pressure, I will look to laugh with you. And I know this will be healing for me as well. I will remember my father’s special smile for my mother.

I will encourage and support you when you need me, and will give you space if you ask for it.

I will try to ask for what I need from you, and will not expect you to read my mind. I hope for the same from you.

I will fight fairly. I will not get personal. And I will always keep in mind that it’s not okay to hurt you even when you have hurt me. There is no justification for meanness. Period. I will try to stay calm, count to ten, and sometimes leave the room to find that calm inside myself, and try to remember, even during this angry time, what you mean to me. Do I want to jeopardize what we’ve built?

I will tell you when you have hurt me. I will not bury it, making believe it’s okay, even for the sake of shalom bayit, because I know it will fester and surface in other ways. I will take my courage in my hands and talk to you. I will not counterattack and escalate our hurt. I may say "ouch," and will ask, at times, for an apology.

I will try to be home during the "hectic times," homework, bedtime, etc., and will be more help to you in general. I will arrange my work and even my learning schedule with this in mind.

I will be accepting of your friends. I understand that it is important for you to have relationships outside of ours.

I will do my part to bring more kedushah [holiness] into our home, to make it a place of respect, love, joy and holiness.

About the Author

Rabbi Dr. Lob is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, working with adults, adolescents, and families, for many years. He lectures and writes extensively on topics relating to psychology, relationships, parenting, education, and Jewish thought.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 44

(43)
james franklin dalida,
February 29, 2016 12:22 PM

Amazing,good model for a family man. i like more to read like this beautiful,amazing golden lesson. Thank you!

(42)
Anonymous,
February 24, 2012 7:27 PM

Both are wonderful overviews of our obligations to each other.
THey are simple , sensible and right on target.
Thanks - as usual, for insightful and helpful articles

Victoria,
March 14, 2013 7:33 PM

forever marriage

making a contract for your husband to assure him that the devotion and love that you hold for him will never fade and the promises you make to him will be in your heart and in a written contract for him to view any time he had doubts or questions. this is what i tend to do for my husband as he isnt at home at the moment and wont be for four yrs. i love my husband with all of my being.

(41)
Joy,
February 19, 2012 5:34 PM

WOW!

This was so beautiful! It works both ways; wives can learn from this too!

(40)
JaDonna,
February 3, 2012 1:58 AM

Beautiful. I am getting married this Saturday, and I am so glad that I happened upon this article.

(39)
gsk,
January 29, 2012 2:29 AM

relationship -

this is perfect for husband and wife and children in family
how about things for husband and wife , in case of respetive in laws

(38)
anjali,
January 28, 2012 1:20 PM

excellent

really nice. thought provoking, good guidelines for life

(37)
Ginger,
January 7, 2010 8:49 AM

Beautiful

He loves me, and doesn't say much. But he follows the above promises.

(36)
Melissa Sugar,
August 29, 2009 3:06 AM

For every husband to keep in his pocket.

My husband used to be the most stubborn, closed minded man. Every time I got angry he would end up turning it around and making it all about him.All of Your articles, but mostly this one has changed our marriage for the better. Every husband will need a reminder every now and then and this is perfect

(35)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2009 5:19 AM

beautiful but...

... how do I even get my husband to read this??

(34)
Annalise,
November 29, 2007 7:47 PM

Now these are Wedding Vows

This is what every wife wants to hear! Every Ketubah (marriage document) should have this as an attachment...but, just as this is what we want our husbands to at least strive to be; it's also what every wife should try to be.

(33)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2005 12:00 AM

Gender Neutral?

Excellent Article and bvery positive reminders. It would have been more effective if written as a reminder to both spouses.

As a gender neutral piece it could be a tool for both husband and wife to work together. For me it came from my spouse as a leather strp instead of as a gentle remider.

Thank you for your words and the reminder is important.

(32)
Anonymous,
August 14, 2005 12:00 AM

Ditto, Kim Segar.

(31)
Miryam,
August 3, 2005 12:00 AM

BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL ARTICLE

What a beautiful article!

(30)
Chana Levi,
July 21, 2005 12:00 AM

Meaningful article

This article was very meaningful. I also emailed it to my husband. Yesterday was our 30th wedding anniversary. I am also giving a copy to my niece and her husband who were married this week. Of course, it should apply equally to both husbands and wives.

(29)
FH,
July 19, 2005 12:00 AM

Lovely

Lovely - we could all use some of this...
One question though - will there be an installment on 'a wife's promises'?

(28)
Jodi,
July 17, 2005 12:00 AM

A Husband's Promise

I just read the article written by Rabbi Jerry Lob. It is beautifully written and hitting each point of today's marriages. However, the title should also include A Wife's Promise. There are many times we get "short" or ill-tempered, and forget that our husbands try there very best to bring us happiness and in turn we need to do the same. We may be moms, or working women but the same respect should be given to our husbands and the same committments should be followed.

(27)
Anonymous,
July 17, 2005 12:00 AM

Excellent

These should equally be a wife's promises. This article should be "must reading" for all engaged and newly married couples, both men and women.

(26)
kim segar,
July 17, 2005 12:00 AM

A husbands promises

How about get a job and keep it.that would work

(25)
Lee,
July 17, 2005 12:00 AM

A Husbands promise

I just read the article and I sent it over to my husbands e-mail box.
And told him he could use to remind himself of this every now and then.
Thank you for writing this.
It is beautiful.

(24)
Linda,
July 17, 2005 12:00 AM

re:A Husband's Promise

Brought a smile to my face - I always knew my husband was perfect, even after 23 years. Reading this spelled out exactly why, there wasn't a single promise he's ever once failed at. Thanks for pointing out more reasons to appreciate him!

(23)
Anonymous,
May 29, 2003 12:00 AM

The key is self-awareness

I realy appreciate the theme of knowing one's negative feelings and not acting on impulse. Its really the key to all character improvement as i'm sure the author who is a therapist is aware!

(22)
Adrian,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Awsome Article

Excellent article. Contents are powerful and anyone can benefit from the inspiring words. It could aslso read: "A Wife's Promises. Marriage counselors should use this as a tool for marriage counseling.

Thanks for sharing.

(21)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2003 12:00 AM

This should be taught to everyone of all faiths

Being a survivor of domestic abuse, abandonment and divorce I read these words and knew that I had been in a union that was wrong and from this day on I will not feel worthless and dirty but I will know that I am a creation of G-d and I do have worth.

Thank you for these words.

(20)
Lynne,
April 14, 2003 12:00 AM

This is touching, incredibly sensitive and wise!

How beautiful and inspiring. I wish that all men possessed this type of sensitivity and positive outlook. It is amazing and beautiful to read! Thank-you.

(19)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2003 12:00 AM

Wonderful

As beautiful as any wedding vow. Something definitely to keep in mind whether married or dating. Just beautiful.

(18)
Mrs. Rhonda,
March 7, 2003 12:00 AM

What a beautiful letter from a husband to his wife. How about one from a wife to her husband? It is eqaully important that us women value the gift that HaShem gave to us; our complete other half!

(17)
Bhupinder Sheth,
March 4, 2003 12:00 AM

A-MUST-FOR-ALL-COUPLES-WHO-ARE-MARRIED-FOR-GOOD

As a married man myself, I know for certain such encouraging articles are very important to the harmonius matrimony. We all take a vow to be together for better or worse, but we never say for good. I think when we joined by GOD, we are joined for good. I thank you for this article and pray that many more will gain a better insight for our love and care for our spouses.
Bhupinder

(16)
Anonymous,
March 4, 2003 12:00 AM

gratitude

This article deserves positive feedback, so here it is! I add my enthusiastic shout-out to all the other glowing-eyed gratitude givers leaving their mark here. My boyfriend e-mailed this to me. I pray we both can live up to the depth of true love these sweet, kind, patient words describe. So how about a Wife's Promises? En-courage!-ment like this is always deliciously welcome! Thank you, Dr. Lob!!! :)

(15)
sonia,
March 4, 2003 12:00 AM

my husband is like this

we'been years and years togehter, and these may be the secrets. If I read it to him (he speaks no english) he may say so what's new about this? You've made me value him more.

(14)
Anonymous,
March 4, 2003 12:00 AM

Is this normal?

As I read what has been written, I'm wondering at the same time, does a person have to make such a conscious effort not to have these negative emotions, which are being expressed, as something they will try hard not to do? I am not saying this with malice, I'm asking sincerely. Because I'm divorced, and mostly because of the very things which you are expressing that you will try hard not to do.
Some of us can't stand the harsh treatments of which others like your self are trying so hard to avoid. Yet I am wondering why are so many relationships suffering from these problems. I didn't think this was what marriage was about. At times I wonder if being unattached is better than suffering such emotional pain brought on by what sounds like to me, something that goes on in every marriage. That is very scary to me. Why is there so much hostility between married couples that one would have to make so much effort not to do? I don't understand.........

(13)
betti miner,
March 4, 2003 12:00 AM

beautiful!!!

Thank you Dr. Lob for the beautiful words of what a husband says to his wife. My husband tries to say those very words to me and I try to do the same. Sometimes its very hard to bite back the sharp words when you have had a bad day. You have to smile and remember Who is in charge of the lives of all of us. I only wish my parents had been so loving as Dr. Lob's and his family now. I wish my husband's had been loving too. Both of us give goal stamps and no cold pricklies and have both broken the bad parent tapes. Thank you again

(12)
Anonymous,
March 3, 2003 12:00 AM

Beautiful !

I was very moved by this article of
and I think the authors parents did a wonderful job raising such a loving and understanding son. What's their secret?

(11)
Terry Steen,
March 3, 2003 12:00 AM

There is no other way.

Why would anyone want to hurt his best friend, his life's partner, his inspiration, himself.... the article is the way it should be, must be, as a consequence of the meshing of two individuals into one on their wedding day. There is no other way.

(10)
Jon White,
March 3, 2003 12:00 AM

Thanks for "A Husband's Promises"

I really enjoyed "A Husband's Promise." It expresses very well that for which we husbands need to constantly strive. Thank you for the positive re-inforcement you have given to me and all other readers who are husbands.

(9)
Mori,
March 3, 2003 12:00 AM

beautiful

This article was beautiful, it was my husband through and through.

(8)
Tamar Dobner,
March 3, 2003 12:00 AM

Interesting, Excellent, Well Written

I found this article, or poem, to be very true and very interesting. Sometimes people need only learn how to overcome the yetzer hara and their pride, and say "I'm sorry". This is essential for shalom bayis in a marriage.

(7)
Mawloud Ould Daddah,
March 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Extraordinary!!!!

Extraordinary!!!!

(6)
Avi Schwarzmer,
March 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Absolutely beautiful

I cried when I read this. If only I'd remembered all of this during my first marriage! I am printing this out and I will give it to my kallah when we get engaged as a promise forever. This should be required reading for every chosson.

(5)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes. Now we need a Wife's promises.

(4)
Dovid Kirschner,
March 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Rabbi,

How did you know that I needed reminding of all these things? Have you been a fly on our wall all these years? Thank you so much for reminding me of the emes!

(3)
mh,
March 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Outstanding!

There would be fewer single women if men understood this.

(2)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank You

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful letter to your wife. For it was truly a letter from the heart.

May we all remember to do what you have written; whether we are a man or a woman, married or single. For when we love someone, let us remember to treat them with the love and respect they deserve.

(1)
Miriam,
March 2, 2003 12:00 AM

What a beautiful compromise!!! And the best of all is that is real, the more you give, the more you receive.

I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

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