“What do you do?” The questions seems innocent enough. The problem is the implications, the answer that’s expected. The expected response is usually a job title. Why is this a problem?

Answering with a job title eliminates those who do not work outside of the home. Retired people, stay-at-home parents, and others may feel their value is negligible. (Please notice I said, those who do not work “outside of the home.” People who are retired often “work” and I don’t know a stay at home parent who doesn’t work. Don’t ever say someone “doesn’t work.”)

The question perpetuates the stereotype of man as breadwinner. Of course this applies to women as well. The problem with the stereotype is that we place too high a value on a title and our ability to earn money. When jobs are suddenly taken away in an economic down turn or layoff, we lose our identity with the position.

Do you really want to be defined by your job? Granted we spend much time working and many of us enjoy our work, but is our title the right answer to the question? If you are asked what you do for work, I’d respond with an answer that also addresses why you’re in that current profession. For example, “I help people solve conflicts at work so they enjoy their work more fully.” Or your answer could be, “I work part-time so I can spend more time with my family and volunteer.”

Ask a Better Question

A simple semantic switch will deepen your conversations and make you seem unendingly interesting. Simply ask, “How do you spend most of your time?” Or ask, “What do you do for fun?” The answers will go far beyond job titles and help you find a topic of interest and commonality.

Be a word detective. Look for what your audience would really like to talk about. An attentive listener will notice clues.

Be More Interesting

Be a better conversationalist by considering what questions you might be asked throughout the day. Will passersby or acquaintances talk about the weather, current events, politics, sports, stocks, or work projects?

Listen to the news. Scan trending topics or headlines online. Ensure you’re up to date with what’s going on and you’ll be able to add to conversations and ask better questions.

Read more books. The average American reads about four books each year, but that number is inflated by avid readers. Twenty eight percent of Americans haven’t read a book in the last year. Readers are more interesting conversationalists.

Say yes more often. Challenge yourself to try something new. Even if you don’t stick with it the simple act of taking an art class or going ice skating will likely give you some good stories to tell.

Travel. People are fascinated by different cultures, climates, foods, languages, and people.

Have Better Answers

You will be asked about your hometown. Learn something about it so your answer is more than city and state. Shawano County is the barn quilt capital of Wisconsin and home to Sundrop, the golden cola.

Someone will wonder about your education. Sure, you could tell what your degree is or you could tell a story about your most influential professor or the moment you decided what your thesis would be.

People will forget your name. Do you have an interesting story about what it means, who you’re named after, or a funny time someone got it wrong? My name is Terra, it comes from the Latin expression for New Earth. My middle name is Louise, after a lake in Canada. I like to say I’m earth and water; I’m everything you need.

“My idea of good company is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company.” – Jane Austen

Words matter. You can argue “people are too sensitive” or “we shouldn’t have to worry so much about being politically correct,” but we don’t know the personal experiences that shaped someone’s view of the world.

Hurting people is not worth our right to speak thoughtlessly.

Make the effort to be considerate in speech. You will be more likeable, professional, and interesting.

Intent vs Impact

There is a difference between intent and impact. Just because we didn’t intend to cause harm, doesn’t mean the impact of our words wasn’t harmful.

Good people with good intentions hurt other people every day. Understanding and awareness of sensitive areas will garner respect and be a refreshing change from the usual.

1. Don’t Say, “Lighten Up”

Saying it was “just a joke,” “they didn’t mean anything by it,” or “lighten up” invalidates the feelings of someone who has been hurt. First you make an inappropriate remark or joke, then you insult them again for not laughing at your ignorance.

Don’t be defensive if you’re called out. Say you’re sorry.

2. Don’t Say, “Can’t”

Adopt a growth mindset over a fixed one. Believe that you can change and grow and improve. If you do say “can’t,” follow it with “yet.”

3. Don’t Laugh

An 11 year old explained her invention to improve water testing on the show Good Morning America. Inspiration came because she saw her parents’ difficulty with testing water after witnessing the Flint, Michigan water crisis.

This is a brilliant young lady. She spoke above my head and the hosts of the show. I was disheartened for her when the hosts laughed.

Don’t laugh at children because they’re smarter than you or use big words. A sensitive child won’t speak up next time. Their self-esteem is developing. It is delicate. Build them up and ideas will keep coming.

Similarly with adults, if you call someone’s idea stupid or you laugh, next time they’ll keep their mouth shut. Encourage conversation by thanking others for their contribution even if it is beyond your understanding or even if it really isn’t a good idea.

4. Don’t Swear

My mother is the most patient woman I know. Having 7 kids, she had to be. I remember a time when we really pushed her buttons. We did everything we could to get on her nerves. It was then that I saw her most upset.

Mom lost her temper, raised her arms, brought them down again, and said, “Gosh darnit all!” We fell instantly silent in shock. She could’ve said every banned word on the FCC list, but she didn’t. Words have power. They lose their power with overuse. Save powerful words for when they’re really called for.

5. Don’t Say, “I know exactly how you feel.”

You don’t. Hopefully you know better than to say this when someone loses a loved one. Even in small things, we don’t understand. For example, your coworker of Middle Eastern descent tells you about a TSA search. They felt it was racial profiling. You tell them about the time you, a white person, got searched. It’s not the same thing.

A better bet would be to listen. Ask how they felt. Ask if this kind of thing happens often.

6. Don’t use Filler Words

Um, uh, ah, like, you know what I mean, ain’ so, and um, and you know mean nothing. They make you sound less confident in the least, and unintelligent in extreme cases.

7. Don’t use Extreme Words

Unless your office burns to the ground, it is probably not the “worst” or a “disaster.” “If all else fails,” is extreme, too. If ALL else fails, you’re not going to care about how this project goes. At the end of the day, it’s just a job, it’s just work.

8. Don’t use Definitives

Words like always and never are rarely true. Save them for when you really mean them.

9. Slang, Jargon, and Regional Words

Slang might put you in a group you don’t want to be in. Jargon excludes people. Regional word shut out the rest of the world. I edited a book for a friend. He used the word “bubbler.” Unless you live in Wisconsin, you wouldn’t know what was meant. Elsewhere, it would be a drinking fountain.

Build your Vocabulary

Fifty words separate a mundane vocabulary from a well-respected one. Using curse words implies our vocabulary is limited. If you learn one new word a week you’ll take your vocabulary to the next level in about a year.

Be Interesting

What can you do to present yourself as a sensitive, interesting, and intelligent individual? Get out of your comfort zone. Learn something new.

My grandma gave me the best advice on the subject. She said to learn something new every day. You’ll always have an answer to, “What’s new?” and “What do you know?”

We bristle, we get angry, we cry, we deny, we blame others, we come back with a biting retort, and we rationalize. None of this allows us to improve.

Do you desire to grow and improve as a human being? Or at least show off the rare skill of taking negative feedback with grace?

Feedback, though difficult to take, is possibly the best way to become aware of our weaknesses.

Stop

Taking criticism requires humility and self-awareness. It may attack our security or identity. Or we might not care for the person giving feedback.

Before you react, try not to react. Pause your facial expression. Bite your tongue. Remind yourself to stay calm. Overreaction will not get you the information you need. A fleeting facial expression of disgust might be enough to stop an honest conversation.

You and I need constructive criticism to improve. Our work will get better and our relationships will be more satisfying. Don’t expect perfect feedback, but trust that people generally want what is best for you and have pure motives. Don’t focus on the person, don’t let their flaws distract you from accurate feedback. Giving feedback is difficult. Nervousness may lead your criticizer to an imperfect delivery. Listen for content.

Listen

Say Thank You

Recognize the importance of open communication. You want feedback to keep coming. Give direct eye contact and say thank you. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with what was said. Thank them for sharing their opinion, thank them for their time, and thank them for caring enough about you to share how they feel.

Find out More

Take your emotional temperature. If you’re feeling too hot or cold, ask for time to think about what was said. Set a time to meet in the next day or two. If you’re calm, find out more. To fully process the feedback, ask questions. Get to the right issue, the root. Ask, “What evidence did you see? What would you like changed?” Don’t ask why questions, why breeds resentment.

Problem Solving

Deconstruct. An outside perspective might show that our internal awareness of self doesn’t align with our external presentation of self. As in our conversation about giving feedback, ask the right questions. Find out if the concern is about content, a pattern of behavior, or the relationship. Deduce what the real issue is. Ask if the situation was an isolated incident or a pattern. Ask for suggestions in the form of concrete solutions.

Follow Up

After the real issue has been identified and solutions have been outlined, thank the person again. Reassure them of your commitment for change. Set a time to follow up. Say, “I want to make sure that I break this pattern. Can we schedule a time to meet in a month? I’d like to get your honest opinion then if you’ve seen improvement?

Poor Timing

Unthinkingly, managers may give constructive feedback in front of others. In this case, it is usually best to smile and nod in the moment. Later, ask them to please save feedback for private meetings.

If you Still Think The Feedback is Off-Base

Don’t argue or call them crazy. Search for a kernel of truth. Try to agree to at least part of what was said. Take some altitude. Are you too close, would a bigger-picture view help you to see the need to apply the feedback?

On your own time, write down the feedback. Say it aloud. This may help to take it out of the voice of your manager. Ask a trusted friend if they see the same thing. Even given in spite and bitterness, feedback usually has some truth.

If the boss hasn’t gathered appraisals from those who know and depend on your work, it may be appropriate to ask that their evaluations be included.

If you still find nothing valid, the feedback could’ve been wrong. There are some people who won’t “get” you or won’t like you. Some individuals are critical by nature. If you recognize this pattern, don’t take their comments to heart.

At the same time, all feedback is valuable for something, even if that’s simply to understand how someone else thinks.

We retain 5-10% of what we hear. Do you recall the last meeting, conference, or class you attended? Did you apply what you learned?

To improve your listening, increase appreciation for the efforts and motivations of the speaker. (Most people have good intentions; assume this.)

Don’t focus on mannerisms, accents, or incorrect word use. Focus on the message. Look for new points and expand the things you already know.

Everyday Listening

Everyday conversation requires keen listening ability. Observe the direction of each conversation. Don’t veer. Listen for clues about where they want the conversation to go. Don’t interrupt. Listen from an alternative viewpoint. Have the objective of gaining fresh insight.

If possible, consider in advance what will be discussed. Attending a panel discussion or debate? Educate yourself on two opposing positions.

Read more. Keep up with local publications, trade publications, and any press releases in your industry. Taking in plenty of information ensures you’ll be a well-rounded conversationalist.

Overcome Distractions

Are you caring for a sick relative, going through a divorce, or did you yell at your child this morning? It may be difficult to concentrate. Anxieties of life distract us. Noise and movement around the room may temporarily redirect our attention. Physical discomfort like a freezing room or a pinched nerve may make concentration fleeting.

Counteract these distractions. List the tasks you have to accomplish after the event. Write down the worries that occupy your mind. If there is no emergency, decide that you will not think about them until later.

Keep your eyes on the speaker. Resist the temptation to turn your head in the direction of noise or movement.

Leil Lowndes discusses the difference between big winners and little losers in her book, How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. She says, “Nobody likes to be reminded of their own human frailty.” The author cites examples; a waiter dropping a tray and coffee spilled at a meeting. She says the big winners ignore the faux pas and move on.

Big Event Listening

At large gatherings there are more distractions. Conference attendees are tweeting, texting, or otherwise engaged with their mobile devices. Not that I’m one to discourage tweeting at conferences; this is my favorite time to use Twitter. But do so in a way that doesn’t detract from the session.

Take a couple of pictures and brief notes. Tweet during intermission. Don’t allow your notes or tweets to get so involved that you hear every other 140 characters.

Get enough rest. On a recent trip I found myself existing on only four hours sleep. Not a good way to travel. Travel at reasonable times. Give yourself a curfew. And perhaps a drink limit.

Each morning before sessions begin, preview the topics. Fix the theme in mind and anticipate what you’ll learn.

Gain More Than Trivia

Perhaps you enjoy collecting interesting trivia. Unless you’re destined for gameshow fame and fortune, focus on the destination, objective, or action to be taken. What does the speaker want you to do? Be determined to walk out of the room with one or two concrete actions you will take. Write them down. Even better, put them on your calendar or task list.

Listen with your Body

As a natural introvert, feedback encourages me to give more. An involved audience makes for a better speech.

A woman who attended a four-week course with me at the local tech college had remarkable facial expressions. I knew exactly what she was thinking. I could tell if I was going too slowly, too fast, or if she was completely lost. On the last day of class I found out that both of her parents were deaf. Sign language was her first language and she had learned in a remarkable way, how to be expressive.

A young lady gave me constant eye contact while I was speaking at a conference in Austin, Texas. I later found out she was from the Ukraine. I told her how much I appreciated her feedback. She informed me that giving her full attention ensured she understood every word, even when I tend to talk fast.

Terra L. Fletcher to present “Leading Multiple Generations in the Workplace” on July 14, 2017 at the Municipal Clerks and Treasurers Institute.

Leading Multiple Generations in the Workplace

Managers in the 21st century are noting significant change as new generations, international employees, and people of diverse backgrounds are having a dramatic impact on the workplace. For the first time in history, four distinct generations are working together. Differing beliefs, expectations, values, and learning styles may contribute to conflict in the workplace. Learn to create a culture that fosters healthy communication and collaboration. We’ll discuss a wide spectrum of communication skills related to gender interaction. Learn the necessary skills to identify and understand key issues related to misconceptions and stereotypes based on various cultures. Understand how younger generations change workforce norms.

Key Takeaways:

View differences as a valuable strength
Identify barriers of difference
Adapt your communication style to a variety of employee needs
Understand how to learn from colleagues who think differently than you

About Terra

Terra L. Fletcher has a decade of experience in business development and marketing. She has presented 100+ workshops, panels, and classes on communication. Terra is an adjunct instructor at Northeast Wisconsin Technical College, teaches at the University of Wisconsin Green Bay, and was awarded Entrepreneur of the Year (2012). Terra has trained the Wisconsin Builders Association, National Association of Tax Professionals, the American Counseling Association, Wisconsin Plastics, Prevea Health, and Georgia Pacific. She reads the back of every package, doesn’t fast-forward previews, and goes to the beach as much as possible. Much to the chagrin of those around her, she spots typos and grammatical errors from a mile away.

How does the Clerks and Treasurers Institute work?

The Municipal Clerks and Treasurers Institute consists of a three-year program of classroom instruction that takes place during one-week sessions recurring annually.

Each year the Institute offers one week of classroom sessions during the second week of July. There is a curriculum track for Clerks and a separate curriculum track for Treasurers. Each year the week of classroom instruction consists of 33-34 contact hours per attendee. The curriculum increases in difficulty, building on the knowledge gained the previous years. New students must sign up for Year One.

After three years when attendees have completed an accumulated total of 100 hours of programming, Clerks graduate from the Clerks Institute while Treasurers graduate from the Treasurers Institute.

The program is designed so that local government officials completing the three-year sequence should earn all of the educational points needed for the education portion of the WCMC, CMTW, and CPFA Certificates. To complete the CMC Certificate it is necessary to return for a fourth year.