journal

Life has gotten so hectic lately. I have this thing to purge such things and yet I have not been using it. I still feel burned on it. I feel that I should go else where, but at the same time I have this. Since I have it I should use it.

Right now I do not wish to talk about the chaos going on. Right now I want to talk about something I believe strongly in. Climate Change.

Now I have friends all over the spectrum of the topic. That’s fine. Yet I have been asked how I can believe in climate change. For me it is a very very simple thing. I have seen it happening.

I love the outdoors. I love nature. I’m obsessed with plants. And honestly when I was a teenager and young adult I was skeptical about the idea. But I used my own eyes, ears, and hands. My feet took me places. I saw spring coming earlier and earlier. I witnessed the change in streams and rivers. The change in forests and fields. But these are smaller things…. Yet I saw changes in weather. Subtle but still there. Still consistent. I also have seen animal and insect behavior change. These things I saw with my own eyes… But my mind took it even further.

I thought of the world like a garage. We have all our stuff in it. All our things. You park your car in it. If you sit in your garage with your car running what happens? So what happens if we keep pumping shit into our water? Shit into our air? What happens? It’s not going anywhere? Yet we keep sending it up at a faster and faster rate… This can’t be good. It just can’t be.

So with these things I’ve seen. With these thoughts I’ve had. I have been an avid supporter of action for climate change fore many many many many years now. But I become so disheartened by others.

So I am mildly concerned at the moment. I’m currently on day 11 of testicular pain in my left testicle. The pain changes from day-to-day. Some days it’s mild. Other days I want to throw up from the pain. At work recently I jumped a flat standing jump to pull something off the top shelf. When I landed I almost passed out from the pain and was sick the rest of the night. To put that in perspective I’ve experienced some hellish pain before and I’ve only now blacked out twice. One of those times was after oral surgery when I woke up and found no painkillers.

Now I know. I should go to the doctor. Couple of problems with this. My insurance is not active yet and I have shitty restaurant insurance right now that won’t cover much. So when it does go active… Well I’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong but I don’t know what else. We’ll see what happens when I get insurance.

Here’s the thing. I’ll be fine. One way or another I will. It happens. It will get better. It’s just incredibly unpleasant until then.

Blogs are interesting things. Especially ones like I enjoy writing where I cover a wide range of topics. Each topic exposes yourself. It exposes your life. It brings forth the nitty gritty and for me helps immensely… For a while.

I say “for a while” because the same thing happens over and over again when I blog. Everyone is fascinated by it as long as it only has to do with me. As soon as it has to do with with how someone relates to me, has interacted with me, and so on I get attacked for it. Does not matter the person. And I always make the mistake of sharing my blog with those that do interact with me in person.

Friends, family, lovers, partners. It all comes down to “Why did you write that?” Because it’s my blog. Nothing I said is ever untruthful, and rarely is it ever malicious. If you interact with me and want to read my thoughts chances are you will eventually become a topic point. Yet people can’t deal with that. They think they can but truthfully no one ever has been able to. When it happens it always leaves me feeling the same way. Betrayed.

That feeling makes me want to stop all together. For this blog it happened a lot sooner. Usually it’s at the one year mark. Yet I received anger before this thing reached one month. A new record for me pissing off people I interact with in person.

So just left feeling like I should close off and keep silent. I don’t know. I’ll think on it.

I have far too many things I do not understand, do not feel, and will forever be seperated from. A friend said it best when they said “Caleb exists in the world but does not live in this world.” That statement has rang so true to me I don’t know what to do about it. It is peaceful and hurtful at the same time. The truth does hurt sometimes.

The problem is I can’t bridge both worlds. I try so bad. I try to build bridges and give people the tools to survive in my world of Day Dreams and Nightmares. But the tools are always the wrong size, wrong shape, poorly given, or wrong material for each person I hand them to. It’s because the tools come from my world and don’t make sense in everyone else’s world.

It’s that time of year. That time of year when people swear not to do this anymore, or promise to do better at that. Maybe they are even declaring to learn, do something, more of something, less of something, and whatever else. For the majority of people it’s all lies they tell themselves to make them feel better about what they did not get accomplished in the first place.

I made one New Year Resolution that I have kept over and over again. It was when I was in 6th grade. I declared that I would never make another one. I’ve kept it. Now some of you are screaming at the monitor, or in your head, that was a cheating resolution. It really isn’t.

Year after year people pressure me or get on to me about making resolutions. It’s this fad that needs to go away because all it does is lead to disappointment in most. More so should you not be living your entire year to better yourself? Should you not spend each day as a new resolution to better you on your quest through life? Why only have one day to declare for the entire rest of the year? One day that you are declaring for 365 days… It doesn’t make sense.

So instead of having a New Year Resolution how about you have a life of constant betterment? Strive each day to work on you, your goals, your dreams, your life, the life of your friends, family, and loved ones. Take each day and breathe into an ‘I’m alive and resolving to do better today.” If you don’t succeed you have tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to declare the same thing over and over again. Be you. Be your life. Resolve each day to be everything. Also understand that you will fall, you will get hurt, you will make mistakes, you will hurt others, you will cause others to have mistakes, your life will have good and bad times, but resolve to work past each and ever moment on each and every day that your eyelids open. Not just today.

Conner, my cardigan corgi mix, is an odd creature. If it is possible for dogs to be autistic then I believe he is. He has also been my charity case. Poor dog was so beat up with parasites when I first adopted him many many many moons ago. He has taken some pretty harsh injures over the years and occasionally becomes the slayer of house plants.

It’s not often. Months and months will go by and he is sweet and never even gives a second glance at the plants. They no longer are a thing. Just invisible to his happy go lucky world. All is in balance and right. Then one day it all goes to Hell and Conner strikes.

He will go through and defoliate and consume everything! Just devours through them all like the ravenous bugblatter beast of traal. It’s a murderous rage that fills him. The rage of a psychopath loaded down with weapons in a shopping mall during Christmas. It always happens unseen by me. The only warning sign I have are the piles and piles and piles and PILES of dog vomit all over the house.

By rights that insane little dog should be dead. In one evening he consumed three four foot avocado trees to the dirt in the pots…. No trunks even left. Just devoured them like a beaver. He then spent the entire next day vomiting it all up. There have been others. Many many others over the years.

His recent attack was on culinary herbs that I brought in to overwinter. Again it resulted in profuse vomiting. Really by the time I found out what has been done there is no use in taking him to the vet because he’s vomited up everything that was consumed. So we continue this wicked cycle over and over again. I keep extremely toxic plants out of his reach but there is only so much space to do that.