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Sunday, August 19, 2012

You don't just leave your ED at home (1)

This is the first post of a series of I don't know how many posts. But I will talk about how things went on this side of life.

Here is what I wrote on my cell phone, I had to track everything, somehow. "("means I was only there for the beginning of the day. "( )" means it was a full day. ")"means we only went there to sleep, so we were only there for the evening. Then, there will be either a number (of calories -- probably overestimated, or just right)) or a ?, because I stopped counting the calories. After that, there might be a "-" which means that I have purged.Here we go:

Yes, that's it. I have purged 8 days out of 16. Which is why I say, you don't just leave your eating disorder at home. At least I don't. It lives inside me. I can't not throw up when my stomach hurts because I have eaten a lot more than usual, I can't not check my body in every single mirror/window/water/anything I see. I can't not pinch at my fat. I can't can't can't.

Edit: Oh, yes, forgot to say. I have gained around 1.5 kilo, that's 3 pounds and something. I won't post my BMI since I'm so damn ashamed of it. I think I'm at my highest weight ever. Thing is, looking in the mirrors at the hotels, I actually thought I had lost weight/maintained. The lax will fix me. Then school will start and I'll fucking starve.