GARDEN FALLS, OK—As the nation continues to become more and more divided, one small town minister remembers a simpler time. A time when the USA stood for something. A time when going to church was the norm, not an aberration. A time when the Bible was quoted widely and publicly. A time when folks didn’t show their great disdain for the Lord Jesus, but instead learned to hide it under a thin veneer of morality as America pretended to be a Christian nation.

“I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit,” Reverend Frank Baxter of Garden Falls United Methodist Church reportedly lamented to parishioners at Wednesday’s potluck. “On Sundays, Americans used to close their businesses, shine up their shoes, and wear their very best clothes. Sure, they were sin-laden enemies of the Almighty and objects of His wrath, but at least they had the common decency to act like they weren’t.”

Members of his flock murmured in agreement as Baxter continued his rant against the belligerency Americans now display as their public actions and attitudes increasingly reflect their depraved hearts. “You don’t have to love Jesus, but at least pay Him some lip service once a week! Is that too much to ask?” he fumed, according to sources.

The church’s organist, 72-year-old Beatrice Hartford, spoke with reporters after the potluck. “In my day, we feigned respect for our parents, teachers, and pastors, even if we harbored resentment in our hearts for them and rebelled against their authority whenever we could get away with it. This country is really going downhill, and it’s so sad.”

“In my day, America had the decency to pretend to be a Christian nation,” she added.

Breaking: Paypal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.