Bad Customer

The 10 Most Offensive Things A Man Can Do In A Restaurant

With all the attention paid to chefs and bartenders in the media lately, and the explosion of quality restaurants using lovingly prepared, high-end ingredients, it comes as no surprise that the level of culinary knowledge among the average diner is at an all-time high. And yet for some reason, that sophistication doesn't apply to dining manners, particularly when it comes to our interactions with the help. (If you've ever called them "the help," then you're way ahead of the game and probably don't even need to read this list).

The Yelp-ification of America has turned us all into entitled, whiny babies, and the level of self-awareness among customers is worse than ever. As a restaurant and bar writer, and someone who's spent over a decade in the industry trenches off and on, I've got experience from both sides of the battle lines. Here's some expert advice in case you want to jump on this hot new trend of being an insufferable prick at a restaurant.

Big-time the host

She is clearly trying to screw with you, dude. It has nothing to do with the fact that another table is taking their sweet time worrying over the last two drips in a wine glass they won't let their server clear off the table. Perhaps you're someone important? Let her know. That should grease the wheels and get you seated in no time. If all else fails, just stroll right in and seat yourself wherever you want like you own the joint. Restaurants love that and definitely won't ignore you until you go through the proper red tape to get your official seat license.

Live-blog your meal

You've heard the expression "Everyone's a critic," right? That isn't just an empty slogan; it's a set of instructions on how to live a fulfilled existence. That means if you didn't have a good experience at a restaurant, it's your sworn duty as an officer of the internet to get the word out. No slightly-less-than-stupendous dining experience should ever go unpunished. It's the same idea behind holding your camera phone in the air the entire time you're at a concert. If you don't broadcast it to your social network, did it ever really happen?

Keep it impersonal

Over the course of a meal, there are dozens of interactions with the server, some quick and some lengthy. The best way to be an awful customer is by making these as impersonal as possible, thereby ensuring that the low born know that they're working at your beck and call. If you make eye contact, they might get the mistaken impression that you recognize their humanity, so be sure to never glance up from the menu or your phone when they approach. Continuing your conversation for an extra minute or two while a busy server stands there trying to say hello works as well. If you absolutely must express an idea, sign language is another good way to set up a barrier of indifference. Wave across the room frantically like you're drowning in a sea of hunger and you need a ramekin of ketchup for a life raft. Making a check sign with your hands when you're ready to pay also limits the necessity of talking. If that fails, try reaching out and grabbing the server on her way by, particularly if she's talking to the table next to yours. This will ensure that everyone else around you knows who's top dog. Using your words is for kindergarteners.

On the other hand, getting to know the server personally is always welcome, too. Ask what his or her name is, but do not offer yours. This is a one-way street, and having someone's name who doesn't know yours is how to express your superiority.