Thursday, July 22, 2010

32 and not pregnant

Ever heard of this show? It's my reality show.

I have a friend who said the "16 and pregnant" reality show came to her hospital and filmed a 16 yr old having her baby. I have never watched the show, and have only heard a little bit about it. Wikipedia says, "It follows the stories of pregnant teenage girls in high school dealing with the hardships of teenage pregnancy." I am sure it would be interesting to see, but since hearing about the title of this show last year, I have often wondered why there isn't a reality show that airs right after it titled "32 and not pregnant"

That could be quite a double header.

I used to really want to be able to get knocked up, (by my husband of course), and I would especially get upset when I would hear about a teenager or a druggie getting pregnant. It just wasn't fair. But as we all know, life just isn't fair.

Anyhow, here I am quickly coming to the end of my 32nd year and the show's season is almost over. When I first thought up this title in my head many months ago after hearing about the "16 and pregnant" show I felt bitter when I thought about it, but now I am happy to report that I am okay with being "32 and not pregnant".

I have put that dream aside and come to terms with it. I remember when I first started down this infertile path and I was determined to beat this and by golly, I was going to get pregnant and have a natural birth. I'm a nurse, I know how everything works and what is best. Right? Wrong. Well, when I was diagnosed with my unicornuate uterus, I thought, "ok, no problem, I will still get pregnant, but I guess I will be okay with having a C-section if I need to. Then, came all the IF treatments, and all the negative results. I began to beg and plead to just get pregnant. Who cares how it happened, or how the baby came out, I just wanted to get pregnant. Now, here I am still not pregnant, but now I am fine with that. I suppose I should change the title of my reality show to "32 and childless" but that sounds a little depressing to me. And if there is one feeling I hate feeling, it is being depressed. That is no fun.

I guess an alternative name for my reality show could be: "32 yr old future mother"

Now while my husband and I wait to adopt a child I realize that I have relinquished all control of pregnancy and birth process over to someone else. In some ways that is a little liberating. I no longer have to stress about whether or not I will get pregnant. I don't get depressed when AF comes. I know too much about what can go wrong during a pregnancy or labor, which was always a little scary to think about.

The non liberating part of relinquishing this control, is that I am no longer in control. There is no timetable as to when I might have my child lovingly placed in my arms. Sometimes it feels like I am in elementary school waiting to be chosen to play on the baseball team, only I'm blindfolded while I wait. Who will choose me? When will I be chosen? How many other people am I with that are also waiting to be chosen? What are my odds of being chosen soon so I can get out on the field and play?

9 comments:

Aww, I'm 33 and not pregnant and I have to say that most of the time I've come to accept that I might never be pregnant. I no longer get mad or depressed when AF shows up, in fact I get a little worried when she doesn't show up on time because that means my cycles are going irregular again.

This was such a great post! I wish you all the best with your adoption! I often wonder about why there aren't "real" shows on infertility. I think it would greatly help not only the IF community but all the fertiles could get a glimpse of what our reality is really like. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog!

Sign me up for '36 and still NOT pregnant.' *sigh* DH has banned 16 and Pregnant from our house along with it's counterpart Teen Mom.

You are right about not pursuing treatments being liberating. Aside from grief, one of the strongest emotions I felt after deciding we were done was relief. Pure relief that I'd never have to do it again. Adoption is a different ball game. Not an easy game, just different.

About Me

Hello! I am Jana, and have been blogging since Dec 2009. My husband and I had been trying to grow our family since 2006, and it has now happened through the miracle of adoption. I have a unicornuate uterus, my lining is thin, and I don't ovulate, but really, who does these days? We tried IUI approx 4 times, IVF x2. And adoption once! I started this blog to help me remember that there was more to me and life than my infertility. We recently adopted a beautiful baby boy. He is amazing and has brought so much joy into our lives. Here at this blog I write about how I find joy in our journey and live life to the fullest.