Most people want to get better and improve. One effective way to improve is through feedback. The challenge is if you accept the feedback. The process of feedback can be a raw and difficult one because sometimes the feedback you receive may not be what you wanted to hear. It’s tough to give and receive feedback when the message is not entirely positive but often these are turning point moments if the person can hear the feedback and constructively apply it.

There are several phases of feedback:

Denial – we reject the feedback or declare it to be untrue

Anger – we are upset at the person who delivers the message

Rationalization – we consider the feedback and think about a few examples where it might perhaps be valid

Acceptance – we consider the feedback to be true and accept the message

Take action – we take the feedback to heart and put some behavior changes into action

Others see a change – this is not a typical step in the feedback process but it’s how we know we are successful when others see a change in our behavior and there is a positive outcome

When clients successfully make a change, they own the feedback and behavior shift, commit to the new behavior and see the benefit. We can give people feedback but unless they digest it and decide to work on the behavior nothing changes. We know that feedback has worked only when others see a change in the person. For example, often the person working on change may feel that they are in fact more patient or a better listener yet everyone on their team still sees them as impatient and not a good listener. So the cycle is only complete when other people recognize and experience the shift in behavior – this is a critical component. It’s also helpful to let co-workers know what you are working on so they can help you stay accountable, give you positive feedback as you make progress and let you know when you are successful.

A good framework to give effective feedback follows this approach:

1. Start the conversation by sharing what the person does well (focus on strengths because people like to discuss what they do well) – example, I think when you are contributing at your highest level you are great at dealing with complex problems and communicating to the group what the key concerns are and how to address them. (If you need help identifying your strengths try this assessment CliftonStrengths).

2. Identify the issue so everyone is clear what you are talking about – highlight what didn’t go well without pointing a finger at the person. For example, in this project although we addressed the problem we didn’t clearly communicate the main issues to the team so there was a lot of confusion.

3. Ask the person for input, do you see the problem that I am highlighting and what is your perspective? For example, you can ask the person for their thoughts and if they think the communication portion was adequately addressed. They may or may not agree with you which is ok but it’s important to understand the conflict from their perspective.

4. Ask the person how he/she would approach this situation in the future and apply their strengths? It’s helpful to focus on what the person does well and how applying their strengths can help them work thru challenges.

5. It can also be effective to switch roles with the person and ask them how would they feel if someone on their team created the communication problem above? What suggestions would he/she have in this scenario?

Everyone needs feedback whether you are an intern, associate, manager or CEO. It’s the only way we get better and know what’s working. The key is in how you deliver feedback. Most people focus on the negative as in what you did wrong or what you are not doing. I encourage my clients who are managers when giving feedback to focus on the person’s strengths and what they do well to form the foundation for the conversation. Feedback is important because it gives people an opportunity to know where they stand, increases awareness of blind spots and offers a chance to improve.

About Alissa

Alissa Finerman is an Executive Coach and Gallup Certified Strengths Coach, speaker and author of Living in YOUR Top 1%. She works with managers, C-suite executives and teams to leverage strengths, shift beliefs and achieve meaningful goals. Alissa has an MBA from the Wharton School and a BA from the University of California, Berkeley. She has worked with Ross Stores, Petco, BNP Paribas, Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher, Brookfield Property Partners, Neutrogena, Bristol-Myers Squibb and Dress for Success. To learn more about coaching with Alissa, please visit her website and follow her on Facebook

I had the opportunity to work with a group of 35 managers this week in a full-day strengths based leadership training event. One of the first questions I asked was for each person to describe their management style in one word. Obviously you might need more than one simple word to describe your style but it was an interesting exercise to learn more about each person and connect the group. The responses ranged from direct, listener, empowering, positive, supportive and more. It’s critical for each manager to understand his/her management style and then gain feedback on how effective it is.

If you’re not sure what your management style might be, a valuable approach is to identify your strengths to first understand what you do well (you can take the CliftonStrengths assessment to identify your top strengths). As an example, if your strength is developer your management style might be supportive, if your strength is consistency your style could be fairness and if your strength is strategic your style might be thoughtful. One of the words that was shared repeatedly was direct and I think it will be helpful to discuss in more depth.

It’s important to understand that being direct is neutral but it’s the person that makes a “direct” management style effective or ineffective. When you use your management style effectively you increase trust and respect and when you don’t you decrease trust and respect.

When a “direct” management style is effective, people know where they stand, they get immediate feedback on a project, issues are dealt with before they escalate and decisions are made rather than put off. For example, one client was direct in dealing with a conflict by identifying the issue in a timely way and talking to the people involved to understand the issues and make suggestions to help resolve it. This was an effective approach because it dealt with the issue, helped the team stay on track and prevented any additional drama.

When a “direct” management style is ineffective, the manager’s direct words can be harsh, insensitive, offensive, off-putting, increase conflicts and lack compassion. For example, the manager who gives negative feedback in an offensive way in the middle of a meeting and embarrasses someone on his team so the person receiving it is demotivated and wondering if they need to find another job.

Managers need to understand that sometimes you need to tone up or tone down your management style rather than say this is how I am so take it or leave it. Managers need to be aware enough to observe how their style is working to engage the team, build trust, create a stable environment, instill hope, show compassion and produce results. It’s not enough to only deliver results without the other elements if you want people to want to work on your team and contribute at their highest levels.

What’s your management style and how do you know if it’s effective?

About Alissa

Alissa Finerman is an Executive Coach and Gallup Certified Strengths Coach, speaker and author of Living in YOUR Top 1%. She works with managers, C-suite executives and teams to leverage strengths, shift beliefs and achieve meaningful goals. Alissa has an MBA from the Wharton School and a BA from the University of California, Berkeley. She has worked with Ross Stores, Petco, BNP Paribas, Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher, Brookfield Property Partners, Neutrogena, Bristol-Myers Squibb and Dress for Success. To learn more about coaching with Alissa, please visit her website and follow her on Facebook

Millennials are an important part of the workplace. There are 73 million millennials who were born between 1980 and 1996. Their voice matters and if companies, teams and people are going to be successful, managers need to understand this growing segment of the workforce and manage them more effectively.

When people are not engaged at work they are less likely to be loyal to a company and will move around more easily for new opportunities. Per Gallup, millennials are the least engaged generation at work at 29% compared to Genxers at 32%, Baby boomers at 33% and traditionalists at 45%. Gallup estimates that turnover for millennials stemming from lack of engagement costs the US economy $30.5 billion on an annual basis. High turnover is very detrimental to building a cohesive team because people need to be recruited, trained and re-learn about how best to partner with co-workers.

Managers who want to connect with and effectively manage millennials need to expand their development style and understand the six shifts taking place, per Gallup research, in this segment of the workplace.

My paycheck to my purpose

There is a big shift taking place right now and it’s moving away from just having a job to make money to wanting to work for a company that’s making a difference in the work (think Tesla, SpaceX, Google, Uber, SAP, Toms). So companies need to realize that works like purpose make a difference and just simply having a sales target or empty goal that means nothing to an employee will not drive engagement. Millennials want to feel like they are connected to a larger purpose and making a difference.

My satisfaction to my development

Companies can give all the perks in the world to their employees but if people don’t feel like they are being heard, recognized and developed by their managers they will not be engaged. A simple step mangers can take is to schedule regular meetings with their team and give feedback and share the goals and specific role responsibilities. People like to feel that they matter and that their voice is being heard. Regular meetings is an easy way to address this area and improve performance.

My boss to my coach

Millennials want their “boss” to act like a coach and help them get better everyday. Bosses are often more about giving out orders rather than having a collaborative approach and listening to input (every boss is different). Millennials want to be part of the team rather than feel like there is a chain of command. They think their ideas are just as worthy as those of their boss and wanted to be treated with respect regardless of their age.

My annual review to my ongoing conversations

Historically, companies have operated with annual reviews. This is changing now but millennials want constant feedback just like how they communicate. They are constantly texting, tweeting and instagraming so they see communication at fluid rather than a one time event. Managers need to understand this and adopt if they want to be successful. Gallup highlights that only 21% of millennials meet with their manager on a weekly basis.

My weaknesses to my strengths

Most companies love to have people work on their weaknesses rather than identify and leverage their strengths. The strengths based approach focuses on what people are doing right and partnering to manage any weaker areas. To improve engagement levels, managers need to work with millennials to help them understand their strengths and how they can use them more effectively in their role.

My job to my life

Millennials don’t just see the work day as a job, they see it as a way of life. They want to connect to the organization they work for and feel like they are valued by the organization, team and manager. The best way for a manager to drive engagement and make millennials feel like they matter is to honor their strengths and help them do more of what they love.

* based on the Gallup research report “How Millennials Want to Work and Live”

About Alissa

Alissa Finerman is an Executive Coach and Gallup Certified Strengths Coach, speaker and author of Living in YOUR Top 1%. She works with managers, C-suite executives and teams to leverage strengths, shift beliefs and achieve meaningful goals. Alissa has an MBA from the Wharton School and a BA from the University of California, Berkeley. She has worked with Ross Stores, Petco, BNP Paribas, Neutrogena, Bristol-Myers Squibb, the Milken Institute, LA Business Journal, Prostate Cancer Foundation, and NBC Universal. To learn more about coaching with Alissa, please visit her website and follow her on Facebook