Thursday, May 26, 2011

Unveiled: Kenny Rogers' Plan for World Domination

FACT: Using little more than a sparkly shirt and his deep understanding of voodoo mind control techniques, Kenny Rogers attempted to take over the planet in 1985 with "We are the World."

Exclusive footage of Rogers brainwashing Paul Simon

NEED PROOF: Look no further than the below video, filled with thousands of screaming fans cheering Rogers on. Seems kind of odd, since he's wearing a very un-charitable sequin turtleneck, wouldn't you say?

On top of this overwhelming proof, this was a pop song that clocked in at over seven minutes in length! Clearly, nobody has that kind of attention span, even back in the 80s. Death to Kenny Rogers played the track backward and was shocked to discover it loaded with subliminal messages. Take a look at this chilling transcription:

"The Gambler is God. The Gambler is God/ If someone disagrees/stab them with a rod"

and

"Kenny's heart is tickin'/and black sequin shirts are tough/Just eat his chicken/Let him run your government and stuff"

"Stay away from our children, Kenny"

Thankfully, Cindi Lauper put a stop to all this by shaving Kenny's beard at the Zero Hour, stripping him of voodoo energy.

About Black Hole Blues

Black Hole Blues is the story of country music star J. Claude Caruthers. He and Kenny Rogers are sworn enemies.

Caruthers is writing a love song for every woman's name in the English language and is down to his last tune. Kenny Rogers is pretty jealous about that stroke of genius.

However, J. Claude's twin brother, Lloyd, is a physicist who inadvertently creates a black hole. The Caruthers brothers must find time to battle a wicked case of writer's block, ward off the looming Apocalypse and still whoop Kenny's ass.