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One thought on “Patrick Stewart Made Me Cry”

OK, so I didn’t feel like talking for a bit after watching these, but now I kinda do. And I gotta warn you, you probably don’t want to hear all this.

I also though (after writing it) that people are gonna be concerned about me putting this stuff out in the public when it ought to be just between me and my therapist. Especially considering the kids could see it.

1) The kids are my first concern. But they don’t read comments unless it’s on their own postings. They’re kids like that.
2) Even if they did, THEY WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME.
3) Maybe this stuff goes on because everyone thinks it never happens to real people? Because we have to stay so quiet about how we really feel?
4) It’s in the comments. I mean, most people aren’t gonna read this but maybe someone who needs it will find it.
5) Trust me, I will spare you lots of gory details.
6) I realize there are some “thinking errors” in here and that I shouldn’t think or feel this way. Bear with me while I be real for a moment. Or don’t. These feelings are kinda natural given the circumstances.

Ready? OK. (clap!)

My kids’ dad only physically hurt me — I mean badly enough that I bruised and was in pain for more than a few days — twice in that last year. I can only think of one other major physical incident, one minor one, and plenty of threats. Never was I knocked unconscious or discovered by a police officer in a pool of my own blood. In fact, when I described the last incident to the police (I was encouraged to file a report when I finally told someone) he just rolled his eyes and wrote it down.

So no, I didn’t get beaten every day. The thing is, I did just about whatever he wanted me to do. I didn’t want a fight. Maybe I was able to avoid all out war by being super compliant. Or maybe that’s why I was “stuck” as long as I was. Had he hurt me as frequently as they describe in the movies, I would have left right away. I hope. Or maybe I don’t hope that, because I wouldn’t have my kids, and I wouldn’t understand like I do now. I only left when I could no longer “control” his rage by being good enough for him — but all those years of trying *so* hard to be enough? I’m still trying. Why didn’t I just leave earlier? Or why didn’t I just hang on a little longer? Why couldn’t I just let it all roll off my back? Why couldn’t I just forgive and forget and hope it never happened again? People ask these questions. I ask these questions. Above all, and I really wish I didn’t feel this way, but why couldn’t he just love me enough to be kind to me?

I realize that’s a terrible attitude and maybe in some people’s minds, THAT’S why all of this happened to me. I mean we’re in this age where we believe that everyone is in control of their own lives –only you can let someone make you feel that way, and so on. And we’re still in this age where it is just not OK to talk about stuff like this. Maybe in general “those people” terms. Maybe behind a mask of anonymity. I mean, at least change the names to protect people’s identities, right? I’ve totally done that. Pretend it isn’t happening right here. Nothing like this happens to *good* people, to *strong* people, right? Maybe because we don’t talk about it?

Or maybe because when we do talk about it, it literally is over the clothesline in hushed voices so no one but our closest girlfriends can hear, because clearly it’s the victim’s problem to sort out in the first place?

Again, this is why I’m talking out. I know most of my friends don’t want to hear this and don’t think I should even say anything like this out loud, or even think it. But I think we’d do well to step up and help each other be better people, and how can we if we don’t know what’s really going on? Domestic violence isn’t just a problem for women to deal with. So I’m glad Mr. Stewart here is working on it. 🙂