The last time you went to church...

I recall my last mass. I was absent for many years and felt like "something was missing". I didn't even realize I had become an atheist. As I stepped through the threshold, dipped my hand in the holy water and signed the cross, the familiar scent of incense, the soft droning organ music and the loud echo of the occasional cough brought back a flood of memories from being raised as a catholic school boy.

I sat there, my biggest concern that I had forgotten the apostles' creed, and would be "caught". Or that I would stand instead of kneel. The lady next to me smiled at me and was a great singer. Sometimes I think people who sing well really enjoy church more.

However, suddenly I started thinking "this is such bullshit". With each phrase from the priest and sheep-borg response I started to be repulsed. I no longer belonged. I felt like a fake, about to gag. At some point the priest mentioned how the parking lot needed repair and then the basket came around again, and I was like "really? why do you assholes send the fucking basket around twice". Oh yeah. I had changed. I started looking at the deceived flock around me. I had become a contemptuous observer instead of a willing participant. I looked at the twenty foot blonde-haired jesus nailed to his cross and thought, big fucking deal, my own grandmother suffered way more than you.

I don't remember my last time but I do remember when it occurred to me something wasn't quit right in the Holy Spirit Church.

The priest got up to give the sermon and said; "How many of you are ready to go the Heaven and be with Jesus right now?"

Well being a loving member of the space doG and heavily brainwashed I raised my hand straight away, who wouldn't want to be with the baby jessy and his Mom, and the holy bird thingy, you betcha I was ready right then, Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker here we come...all 7 of us...out of a full Catholic Chruch???

Just me a kid and 6 old coots on deaths door, WTF something was definitely not right, if the stuff I was being told was true then every hand in that church should have been raised toward the sky daddy, they weren't.

It occurred to me at that moment something wasn't quit right in the Emerald City and I think I may have even see a pair of shoes sticking out below the curtain...a young boys life shattered by the truth...oh well there were still girls to occupy my thoughts.

This wasn't my last time in a church, but it was one of the best. My friend had died so we went to her funeral which was at an Episcopal church (I think). It was a beautiful church and there was a lot of kneeling, standing and pretending to sing.

At some time while the priest was saying whatever it was he said, someone in front of me started chortling. It was a quiet kind of laughter but it got louder the more she tried to stifle it. I tried so hard to ignore it but I started giggling too. It was infectious over on our side. Many guests had their hands over their mouths and their shoulders were moving up and down in futile attempts to not burst out in open laughter.

Finally someone lost it and that was it. Those of us sitting on that side of the church gave in and had a good long laugh. The priest gave us a minute or two to continue before good-naturedly going on with the service. He said Rosemary would have like that there was laughter at her funeral.

I don't even know what was funny but it was the best time I had ever had at a funeral.