Thursday, October 24, 2013

Since having my son, I notice that the TV is always on, but I'm never actually watching TV. It's just always sort of there, perhaps so that I can listen to voices that aren't actively screaming at me while also spitting up and pooping on me. Anyway, I'm cleaning up my son's spit up and poop when I hear a voice on Modern Family. A voice I instantly recognize.

IT WAS PAYSON'S MOM!

Imagine my excitement.

It got me to thinking, what is the rest of the Make It or Break It cast up to? The results may surprise you. Or not at all. I have ranked them from most to least successful. Of course, my idea of success consists of not getting peed on. I have not been successful in a very long time.

1. Lauren Tanner

I feel like this sort of goes without saying. Lauren Tanner in Sharknado was an instant classic, and is probably the only one of these kids who will see a sequel in her lifetime. Sure, it was a TV movie with Tara Reid, but a win is a win. Bitch chainsawed out of a shark.

2. Steve Tanner

Look, I'm not going to pretend I've watched Shake It Up. I haven't. But I do know that one girl who beat Aly on Dancing With the Stars is on it, and it's on Disney (or Nickelodeon?) One of those channels where a show runs forever. So in terms of exposure and residual checks, he's high on our list.

3. Adult Baby Kelly Parker.

Lord that's an awful haircut. How Theresa Kulikowski of her. And that girl on the left totally looks like Ponor. Anyway, this is a show called Beauty and the Beast, another one I've never watched (remember, I am on pee duty 24/7.) But I have heard of it, so that constitutes some level of popularity in my book. I also remember seeing her in a preview of some other ABC Family show that never saw the light of day, and I guess she was on Pretty Little Liars the other night. So you go, ABKP.

4. Austin Tucker.

This isn't actually Austin Tucker. But this guy kept popping up when I googled "Zane Holtz" and really, I like this guy better. Holtz has weird teeth. Despite that, he's been working since being axed from the men's Olympic team. Two of the movies I have actually seen. Perks of Being a Wallflower, which was atrocious, and the Lifetime hit Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret.

5. Payson's Dad

I've seen Devious Maids a handful of times, and in terms of Lifetime products, it's pretty good. If you're working with Susan Lucci, you must be doing something right. It also has Carla from Scrubs, so there's that.

6. Coach Sasha

This is some British show called Lightfields. Never seen it, don't plan to. But the stills appear to be of high production value, and the nerds on IMDB seem to enjoy it. He also did that beer commercial.

7. The Cryptkeeper

Something called the Thundermans? At first I was like, wowzers, she's on a Nickelodeon show! But then I realized it's been on for all of ten days. But it's been picked up for 20 episodes, so that's like a years worth of work. You go, Glen Cryptkeeper.

8. Kaylie Cruz

A show called The Glades. It's on A&E, which has to be better than Lifetime, right? JUST KIDDING, nothing is better than Lifetime. I'm willing to bet that no one poisons her smoothie in this one... or do they?

9. THE WONDERFUL AND DIVINE BITCHFACE CHLOE

It breaks my heart that she's so low on this list. She is just too talented. Aside from having a baby (super glorious) she did a show called Playdates. When you need some advice on baby pee, you give me a call, Bitchface!

10. Sister Mary Summer

Boring old Summer got a boring old part in a boring old movie.

11. Emily Kmetko

A Lifetime Original called The Trainer. It's like this show just funneled their talent to the Lifetime Network. Now, I haven't seen this yet, but I do have the film in its entirety waiting for me on Youtube. You can thank me later. It's also starring some girl that my college boyfriend is friends with, so there's that. She's the crazy bitch who kills the other crazy bitch.

12. Princess Mothereffing Payson

OK, so I totally watched this movie. I watched the SHIT out of this movie, and I have some things to say. What the whaaaaaaaat??? So Princess Payson is starring in another role where she plays a spoiled bitchy little queen. This time, 15 minutes after discovering she was adopted, she decides her parents are worthless assholes and runs screaming out the door. Where to, you ask? Why, the liquor store, where any young blonde high school student goes. She's loitering outside with an unlit cigarette when she asks the first guy who walks by for a light. Lucky for her, that guy happens to be one of those 35 year old college frat guys who lovingly brings her back to his place for the night. He puts on some reggae, but only after kindly reassuring her that he "won't rape" her. A true gentleman.

So she's living with this loser for 2 days, her parents know where she is, and the movie is still called Missing at 17, so... I don't even care anymore.

13. Demon

The little title card says it all. What it doesn't say is Taryn Maroney which I totally thought it did say at first. A zombie movie starring Taryn Maroney would make any zombie movie infinitely better. Taryn Manning isn't all bad. I'll just go ahead and assume you've seen Orange is the New Black, and she is fabulous in that.

14. Papa Cruz

Now, this show looks sort of awesome, or maybe I'm just looking at the arms on the second guy on the left. But Papa is nowhere to be found in this image. Or any other press stills, for that matter. My guess is that it's an itty bitty role.

15. Creepy Carter

He would be last. UGH. This isn't even from a real movie. It's from one of those shorts that you make in college. This is appropriately titled ONE'N'DONE. They said it, not me.

Really makes you appreciate Make It or Break It, doesn't it. I miss it so. Le sigh.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

As you may well know, I gave birth to a wonderful, sweet, perfect baby boy. Having a child is amazing, a miracle, a real joy. It's also a huge time suck leaving me with no ability whatsoever to take care of my daily basic needs, let alone maintain a blog. Showering, taking a dump with the door closed, eating- all expendable. You know what I have tons and tons of time for? Reading baby books. Over and over again. Same books. Again and again. To the point of memorization.

So, as I'm reading Dr. Seuss's ABCs for the GODEFFINGZILLIONTH time, I thought to myself

"You know what would be so much better than this drivel? A GYMNASTICS version!"