Followers

Friday, December 09, 2011

European football’s governing body has upheld the Football Association’s request to allow Wayne Rooney to be violent against players from host nation Ukraine by reducing his international suspension from three games to two, meaning he could return to international thuggery for the final group game in this summer's European Championships.

“After due deliberation and taking into account Wayne’s previous record as a foul-mouthed, violent cheat in both domestic and international competitions, we have determined that the three match ban was too harsh,” said Michel Billingstini of UEFA. “It would have deprived fans in the Ukraine of that true spectacle of English football - watching Wayne stamp on their heroes’ faces.”

Many football pundits had pressed for a reduction in the sentence meted out to Rooney following his violence against Miodrag Dzudovic from Montenegro citing his previous disciplinary record and precedents of previous UEFA rulings.

“Wayne has been cheating at the highest level for years and has consistently been dismissed from pretty much every competition he has abused the match officials in,” said a member of the FA committee. “He was very disappointed with the World Cup in South Africa when he was unable to get within punching distance of an opposition player. He wants to make a great return before getting sent off against Ukraine.”

The ruling has raised hopes of England progressing from the group stages but without Rooney for the first two games there are question marks over whether the rest of the team can deliver the performance needed.

“John Terry needs to step up and deliver a good end to his international career. We know he can stick his nose within a millimetre of a player or referee’s face,” wrote one journalist. “But he might have to channel a bit of Zidane’s head-butting style if England are to kick their way through Sweden and France.”

The possibility of Rooney playing in the final group game will not just be felt in the relentless pummelling of the self-esteem of those match officials who dare to give a free-kick against the brutish centre-forward but will have repercussions in the computer games industry.

“Now we have the ruling we need to put all the motion capture and behavioural ticks of Wayne's game back into the official video game. It’s quite a psychologically damaging process for our game designers,” said one insider. “We might just put a football shirt onto a Grand Theft Auto character.”

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Boffins at Apple's Cupertino headquarters in California are today said to be overjoyed at the news that the company's latest offering, the iPhone 4S, has managed to respond to human interaction in a manner that users are finding indistinguishable from the response of a real person.

The voice operation software in the new 4S has been found to reply only with confusion and bewilderment at suggestions from north of the border. This silicon confusion is the same that any of us would have when confronted by a Scottish user who wants to know the time, what the weather is going to be like or where the lowest priced can of Tennent's Super can be found within staggering distance. And whether the phone has any change for the bus home. It really is for the bus, pal.

“Turing is one of the indicator tests for the progress of technology, if a computer response is indistinguishable from that of a human then the system passes.” gestured the acolyte. “And frankly there is no one alive that knows what the Scottish want.”

However an international committee is said to be studying the results closely, as they believe a crucial criteria of the Turing test may have been overlooked.

“The iPhone behaviour needs to be in response to conversation with a human,” said one Nobel Prize winner. “I am not sure that qualifies just any hominid, regardless of how angry it feels, or how large it’s feeling of victimhood - so we are not sure the Scotch qualify.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

As Britain continues to bask in its typical balmy autumnal weather, thousands of immigrants from Spain, the south of France and Portugal are heading to the UK for the lifestyle and the weather.

“After Geraldo sold his business we left came to Britain, mainly for the weather really,” said Maria Billingso through an interpreter. “Obviously Spain is finished as a country now anyway, so we came to Torbay where the quality of life is so much better. Although you can't get a decent paella and the locals are quite lazy.”

“They come over here, they don't learn the language, walking around in their ‘Bandera de Espana’ shorts and calling everyone Dave,” said Dave, a pub landlord. “They get fuelled up on San Miguel and insist we switch the TV to La Liga matches.”

Although the ex-pats have turned their backs on their homelands, the websites of right-wing Spanish and French newspapers are filled with comments from residents of the UK who simply won’t leave the country they don’t want to live in alone.

“I don’t speak English very well, and quite often there is nothing to do but sit in the sun in England, so I like to fill my time checking onto the events back-home that actually don’t affect me anymore,” said Billingso. “I like to highlight the articles that I feel are why I left Spain and why everything in Britain is great. Then I end by telling everyone how much I miss buying mantecados from Mercadona.”

In some parts of Britain the ex-pats now out number the natives and with new developments being tailored to the visitors leisure needs, many local Britons are finding it difficult get on the property ladder.

“You look at these new places springing up, they have heating, and even running water some of them,” said one Gravesend resident. “But there is no way my kids are going to be able to afford an apartment in the new bullfighting complex, not even in that tower they are building to push donkeys off.”

It isn’t just the accommodation that is starting to concern local residents, it is the gradual shift of political and economic power in favour of the ex-pats.

“It is important that we have our voices heard in the local council so that our planning needs are reflected and that is why I am running for Mayor,” continued Maria through her interpreter. “I will of course learn English, but until then I need planning permission for a satellite dish to receive TVE as British TV is mierda.”

Sunday, October 09, 2011

As the investigation into the circumstances surrounding the relationship between Adam Werrity and Dr Liam Fox continues, each new revelation hints that there might be someone who is comfortable to be around Liam Fox without being paid to do so.

“I find that idea completely amazing, have you met Dr Fox?” asked Julian Billingsworth, who has been part of the Defence Secretary’s Woodspring constituency team for the past 20 years. “If I wasn’t getting a bung I wouldn’t want to be near the man.”

Government ministers and civil servants alike have rushed forward to defend Dr Fox from accusations that his friend Adam Werrity was not paid by either the Conservative Party or a government department.

“If Werrity wasn’t paid, then he must have been accompanying Fox to that meeting in Dubai out of friendship. You have to admire Werrity because, Jesus Christ, that’s a seven hour flight,” said Billingsworth. “I can only tolerate a cab ride to our constituency office with him because I know he is paying for the 6 pints I’ll need to get through lunch.”

Those investigating allegations that Mr Werrity was in fact just a friend of the Defence Secretary and enjoyed his company said that there was no evidence to substantiate these wild accusations and that Mr Werrity simply must have been paid by someone. Surely.

“We even confirmed that staff at his local hospital use his impending visit as a way of bargaining with patients over unpleasant medical procedures,” said one senior civil servant. “And even the sick kids insisted that if they spent more than 20 minutes with him they were to get either a Ben-10 watch or let off coma-preventing dialysis for the day.”

The Prime Minister is said to be deeply concerned over the revelations and has asked for early sight of the report should the investigation find that a senior Tory has engendered affection in another human being

Friday, October 07, 2011

Political and economic analysts have indicated a further decline in American power and influence with the discontinuation of the original, iconic, right-wing nut-job, the Palin 1.0

“I think that many people around the world that might take their lead from American lunacy will see the future as one of continued decline,” said Armin Billingsworth. “The ending of the Palin 1.0’s Presidential ambitions means that America is losing key skills in irrational swivel-eyed madness.”

“Well we had hoped the Palin 2.0 would enable America to regain its world lead in madness, but now that the Palin has reached the end of its useful life these skills may be lost forever,” said Billingsworth. “We have had a look at the Romney, but really it can keep a lid on true lunacy – it rarely mentions its belief in golden tablets from angels and how Native Americans are the true sons of Israel.”

However even though America may now be heading for an age of reason and rationalism the like of which has not been experience since Franklin D. Roosevelt, the Palin series showed what might have been as it signed off for the last time.

“There was that one sweet moment that showed what could have been. When the Palin 1.0 summed up the office of President - of the Commander In Chief of the armed forces, of the invested power of the executive branch of the Federal government, of the defender of the constitution - as being a mere title,” said Billingsworth wiping away a tear. “I thought for one magical moment that her head might revolve to reveal the face of a trapped evil spirit on the back of her skull and that it would start talking directly to God.”

The signing of the Magna Carta – The single act that for the first time enshrined that no one, no man, baron, not even the king, was above the law of the land was actually a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron’s listening exercise throughout the middle ages. MPs retain their exemption to this day.

Modelling of DNA – While historians are keen to emphasise the foundational research of Rosalind Franklin leading to the famous Crick-Watson double-helix model, it is now clear that the collaborative efforts were a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron efforts to generate a “Big Soc” research team, 13 years before he was born.

First footsteps on the moon – the world looked on in 1969 as Neil Armstrong made his first tentative steps across a dusty Arizona sound stage, few realised that none of it would have been possible without the genuine triumph of our Prime Minister David Cameron’s discovery of the moon on his 3rd birthday the day before.

Fall of the Berlin Wall – contemporary sources attributed the fall of the symbol of communist tyranny to the inflexibility of soviet central planning to counter-balance western military development whilst ignoring the dreams and aspirations of the people of Eastern Europe. However, it has now become clear that the wall was severely damaged during a dining tour that was such a genuine triumph of our PM David Cameron’s Bullingdon Club chums.

Mr Cameron humbled by recognition as such a key figure in world history has said that all the plaudits are undeserved.

“Let us not cheer my genuine triumphs! Now we must work together to ensure that the people living at the heart of the fighting get the help to rebuild not just their lives, but their society and especially the burnt out buildings and businesses of their shattered cities,” said Cameron. “And once we have finished London perhaps we can send the Broom Army to Tripoli.”

Saturday, August 13, 2011

In a controversial interview, constitutional historian David Starkey has provoked outrage by claiming that the recent riots were not in fact protests but where a result of the oppression and ostracising of white scholarly historians from mainstream culture.

“We were showing authority that we can do whatever we like. If we want to write hefty tomes after studying the Wives of Henry VIII then we will,” said Starkey yesterday. “These riots will keep happening until the government does something for us, say by increasing research funding into Tudor history.”

Mr Starkey was speaking during an interview in which he defended the mass looting and lawlessness that appears to have been perpetrated by groups of masked historians and economists as they smashed the windows of Waterstones, Foyles and antiques shops everywhere.

“It was terrible, they just charged in and took everything I had on Queen Elizabeth I, everything was gone,” said a specialist bookshop owner in Eltham. “They screamed at me that this was caused by the feminisation of history.”

Onlookers said that the gang of academic may claim to be protesting, but really it was just an excuse for robbery and intimidation.

“You see them hanging around in their 3-piece-suits, scaring normal hoodies. They wear belts and have their trousers pulled up properly; their shoes have laces in.” said one resident who did not wish to be named. “They aren’t even trying to have their pants slipping down to make it look like they’ve just been released from police cells like a normal person would.”

The controversy has been sparked after Mr Starkey claimed during a TV discussion that recent looting in England’s most significant cities, and Manchester, was conducted by a homogenous youth culture that had come to revere the urbane, sophisticated analytical style of the Oxford don, or a 60 year old television historian.

“You can’t make this them and us, you can’t simply say that this trouble is only caused by people who have rejected the urban, anti-authoritarian, criminal gang culture popularised by the hip-hop community,” opined one Guardian columnist. “This is all of our cultures, we need to reach out to those that know only Tudor history, to offer them the opportunity to study the Yorks and the Stuarts too.”

Starkey was unrepentant in the face of much criticism.

“Fuck da Feds, right, dey just want us all to be the same, innit, like, but ‘dis is us getting our fellowship grants back, innit,” he said, speaking on Newsnight. “When me an my mans Schama and Ferguson get warring we is gonna fuck them bruddars up badstyle, you get?”

“Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.”

The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of its mind and setting fire to Carpet Right – such as 8 packs of Stella Artois and some firelighters knicked from the Co-op

“Previously most people have only been able to take part in this new free society via the Internet. We have been free for years simply taking music, or movies etc without the burden of paying for them. But technology had not progressed to where my material desires could be so easily realised in the physical world,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “Then, last Monday, we discovered I was able to ‘hack’ the window of Currys with a brick. Suddenly everything was free. Now I can watch Eamonn Holmes in HD. ”

Professor Billingsworth said that it was early days yet to see how the new economy will function now that everything is free. Critics have complained that someone must work to make things, whether physical or not, and that this new model may ultimately be unsustainable if the people making things aren’t paid for their efforts.

“Well, I don’t know how they aren’t making money out of trainers, I mean I did. If they don’t like making trainers they can try something else. Now I have an HD TV I’d quite like a new Blu-Ray player, so they could make me one of those instead,” said the Professor. “Although they’ll need to build me a new outlet first, since I burned the previous shop down when I left.”

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it?

“I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.”

Many of the so-called rioters are protesting at the injustices they feel by being compelled to live in a society where they can all get education, healthcare, food and shelter without having to work for it.

“Yeah, fuckerz, we got a new laptop last night init, this is for that Tottenham bloke, the one with all the being shot yeah?”, said one user on twitter. “I’ll be thinking of him when I is watching cats in a box on YouTube.”

Whilst images of the looting played around the world have focussed on the destruction of property there is a human cost being felt by the people of the riot hit areas.

“One of my mans, right, he cut his hand, right, when he smashed the window of the like, right, like, Vodafone shop, like, right, like,” said local child, Martin Billingsworth, 23. “So we is like, right, like, right, gonna like sue. Yeah?”

Politicians have moved quickly to be seen to be saying something that won’t make any difference to the thousands of immature teenagers who have realised that being in a mob means you can steal stuff.

“Well, crikey, Bojo had to give up his hols, but it’s important I am in London at this time of crisis to make sure that when you think of me and you think of London you think Olympics, and bikes,” said Mayor Boris Johnson. “When you think of Cameron, you should think of death and destruction. Boris –Ladies Beach Volleyball, Cameron – babies on fire. Now, who asked the important question about the leadership of the Conservative Party?”

While the financial impact of the disturbances is still being assessed some of the key indicators are already apparent as Gavin from Autoglass has reported that he expects to get a really big bonus this year.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100.

“Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.”

The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.”

“We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billingsworth. “Obviously we on Wall Street are all big fans of tax hikes and when there were none last week we had to search for something else for free publicity.”

The American Dream may now amount to no more than a late night, embarrassed, laundering of bedsheets, but it doesn’t stop hard-working Joe Six-Packs from trying to restart their lives.

“Well it is a wake up call, knowing that America has only an AA+ credit rating is a real eye-opener,” said one Michigan mortgage broker pretending to have a new career in the Donkey Porn industry. “Now the US has a lower rating than Standard & Poor gave the sub-prime mortgages that started all this mess!”

Investors are now left to assess the detail of S&P’s analysis. The beer soaked cocktail napkin now grades lending to the US as carrying the same risk as lending to South Korea - a country still at war with its starving nuclear armed neighbour to the North.

In other news, S&P raised to AAA its assessment of shares in a new live musical touring company which will feature Elvis and Michael Jackson, supported by Amy Winehouse.

Friday, August 05, 2011

As further allegations, smears, slurs, lies, truths, and lies about truths spread rapidly around the world in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, the nation is struggling to come to terms with the fact that its suspicions that many of the people involved are actually quite awful has been confirmed. The latest allegations centre on scurrilous suspicions that Piers Morgan may at one time have actually been a newspaper editor.

“I’d always thought that Piers Morgan, you know him off the song contest show, was a bit awful. Turns out he actually is,” said normal person Gerald Billingsworth. “But he might not know that he hacked a mobile phone, after all he was adamant that obviously staged photos were real images of torture.”

Mr Billingsworth was referring to Piers Morgan’s awful tenure at the Daily Mirror. In 2004 he made concerted efforts to fuel hatred of British forces in Iraq by insisting that the spotlessly clean trucks and T-shirts in the scenes were not obvious indicators that photos of a supposed 8-hour torture session were in fact faked.

Rebekah Brooks is another figure that Britain has spent years feeling uneasy about but now can take some comfort that the queasiness felt at the mention of her name was with foundation.

“Well it is good to have confirmation of her awfulness,” said Billingsworth. “Now we just wait to see if she’s a truly awful person with no morals, or just truly awful at being a newspaper editor.”

However, the phone hacking allegations haven’t been to the detriment of everyone’s reputation, as many people proved to be awful can now add victim to their Facebook statuses.

“Heather Mills, we had a whole court case where it was established beyond doubt that she is absolutely awful,” said Billingsworth. “Yet now, because of Morgan she comes out of this with her reputation enhanced. That’s pretty awful too.”

In other news, Britain is awaiting to see if the writing on the wall is actually predictive text that Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is a “Dualing Aunt”.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

A recent survey of 100,000 web users has found that Internet Explorer users tend to have the lowest IQs of the online community while those using seemingly any alternative, such as Chrome or Firefox are smarter, and no doubt sexier.

“I knew it, I knew it! All along, persevering with Firefox’s long load times and non-standard standards compliant behaviour was the way to go,” claimed technology commentator Mr Bloggy. “Suffering frustration, lost hours with all those broken websites and the breakdown of a relationship was genius after all. Stick that Sandra. Bitch.”

The study found that those who simply used the market leading browser that came with their PC, and consequently most websites are designed to work with as a matter of course, were in fact idiots all along. It was in many ways fortunate that these users had the easiest web surfing experience of all given their low average IQ of 80.

“Whereas those users that used something obscure such as Camino, or trendy such as Safari, obviously had the highest IQ of all, despite suffering the pain of badly rendered pages and malfunctioning plug-ins,” said analyst Callum Billingsworth, 12, from consultancy Walsh Cowell-Hasslehoff.

In general the IQ scores results were quite low, ranging from the 80 to 120, which would seem to indicate that the truly bright rarely navigate the tides of filth and abuse that forms the modern web. Either that or even their powerful intellect had been dulled after several hours surfing donkey porn or just a few minutes playing Farmville.

However sceptics said it was part of a conspiracy to shame users of Internet Explorer version 6 – introduced with Windows XP in 2001 - into upgrading. Such users scored lowest of all on the IQ scale, registering just above “horny chimp”.

“Frankly anyone who hasn’t upgraded from IE6 really is probably some sort of sociopath that you wouldn’t want to be alone with,” said Billingsworth. “But then everything becomes clear when you realise that most banks still use XP and IE6.”

Sunday, July 31, 2011

The world is continuing its mourning after the assassination of humanitarian leader General Abdel Fattah Younes, a long time practitioner of the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi and the leader of the non-violent Libyan protest movement shaped in his image. Obituaries of the long-time Gaddafi supporter are now flowing in, filled with tales of power, corruption, doctrinal-fuelled murder and car trouble.

“From the first day of supporting Gaddafi in the coup, through 40 years of supporting Gaddafi to training elite death squads, General Younes was always such a peace-loving man, so committed to love, to relieving suffering and to justice and freedom,” Abdul Bilinfworthdi, the so-called 'Butcher of Benghazi'. “He was just plagued by a series of unreliable second-hand cars.”

Minutes of Libyan cabinet meetings throughout the second half of the twentieth century reveal a litany of late attendance or missed conferences being blamed on problems with his old second-hand cars.

“I remember once, in about 1975, Younes had an old Datsun Cherry. Allah, praise be upon him, that thing was a wreck. We had just finished discussing which airport we should sneak the bomb for Pan Am flight 103 onto and were moving the agenda on when the General arrived, he was all hot and flustered,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He arrived in time for the discussion on the new irrigation project, but missed out on the decision to load the bomb on at Frankfurt due to having flooded the car's carburettor that morning.”

It wasn't just arriving late for high-level meetings that Younes suffered due to his bad luck with cheap cars, it also caused problems when he was due out on operational missions.

“I remember when one of his elite death squads had been deployed to eradicate a pocket of counter-revolutionaries in 1987, he got there about 30 minutes after they had just finished clearing the bodies out of the orphanage, “ said the Butcher of Benghazi. “He arrived just as Gaddafi gave free 'meat' to starving local farmers. Younes blamed that on having to wait for AA Homestart to get him going.”

Sometimes it wasn't just arriving late, on occasion the peace loving leader of revolutionary murder missed key military decisions due to having to leave early to pick up his car.

“In 1995 he had this battered red Ford Fiesta and just before we were scheduled to discuss supplying arms to the IRA Younes had to leave,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He said he had to make sure his car passed its MOT that day as he needed it in the morning to take medicine to some orphans.”

Rumours persist as to the circumstances surrounding General Younes' death. Some believe an Islamic fundamentalist infiltrated his inner circle while others maintain that he was en route to a hospital to donate a kidney to a dying peasant when the brakes on his 20 year old Toyota Corolla failed.

“Well, he was a great friend and his funeral will sadly pass without any foreign state representation,” said the Butcher. “Mainly because William Hague wouldn't know us if we slapped him in the face.”

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The leading fashion houses of Milan, Paris and London are gearing up to tell women how to express their individuality by looking the same as each other. Unlike previous years experts believe [insert year as variable to save re-writing every 12 months] is going to lead to some ground-breaking fashion statements on the High Street.

“Oh darling, yes, it will be marvellous, so new, fresh, refreshing and so, so new,” squealed fashionista Saaraaa Bylingzwerthe. “There will be skirts you know, that will be a little bit shorter, or longer, than last year. Oh darling, how outrageous!”

Indeed magazine editors are already poring over the latest sketches of skirts to determine what the new thing in skirts is going to be, a general consensus is that it will continue to be like a single very wide trouser that you can put both legs down.

“But it will definitely be shorter, if it isn’t longer than last year,” said Ms Bylingzwef. “Although, radically, they could be kept the same length. How scandalous!”

There are rumours that this year’s round of fashion will include something to be worn above a skirt, some sort of top if you will.

“I think that is very likely, it may be a blouse, or a chemise, even a shirt. Tee, or otherwise. But how many sleeves will it have? We just don’t know yet. It’s just totally quixotic,” claimed one magazine editor. “Actually it will be two, the tops will have two sleeves.”

The key demographic for fashion of both sexes is largely those people who wish to wear clothes although the shoe market is polarised along gender divides.

“Since time began men’s fashion has been dominated by men having soft feet and having to walk on rough or even wet terrain and wanting to prevent their feet from damage,” said one fashion historian. “For women it is the opposite – it is madness to consider buying a pair of shoes that you can wear for longer than you could walk barefoot over broken glass.”

However the fashion industry has revealed that it fears for its future, as the key 16 to 25 year old female demographic seems to have very individual tastes that are not being catered for by the major labels.

“Yeah, well I just want to dress like a badly dressed boy. You know grey sweatpants or maybe something that looks like pyjamas when I am out shopping or spitting, or in court,” said Bekkkki 23. “Basically something that is hard wearing and doesn’t show the cider or piss stains.”

Friday, July 01, 2011

The news of the existence of an indestructible computer system has prompted software giant Microsoft to look to include the TDL bot-net into future versions of Windows as both a time-saving feature for users, but also as a key software distribution platform.

“Basically this bot-net never crashes and has great security,” said Microsoft executive Steve Billingsworth. “So it is already years ahead of Windows.”

The bot-net apparently contains advanced levels of encryption preventing investigators snooping on the traffic between computers upon which it is installed. This contrasts with Microsoft’s Internet Explorer that is surely only one patch away from automatically detailing your credit card details in a full page advert in The Times.

“We are also quite impressed with the ease with which the TDL software can install itself on a computer, silently and with such a small footprint,” said Billingsworth. “No one at Microsoft can understand how they managed to achieve that without at least four reboots and half the available hard disk space.”

However industry analysts have observed that it is unlikely that Microsoft’s quest to formally integrate TDL into the next update to Windows will go unchallenged by the other big online players.

“We are pretty sure that TDL’s purpose is the acquisition of personal data for its creators to sell on at lucrative rates,” said technology analyst Mr Bloggy. “That is basically the mission statement for Facebook – although there the criminal activity is the stupidity of Facebook users.”

Investigators around the world are keen to track down the developers of TDL in the hope of gaining not only a better understanding of the gangs behind the software and what they might be using it for, but also to ask if they could help configure the office printer.

“It is a huge, complicated system that we are at a complete loss as to how it actually works,” said Billingsworth. “Look, it says it is ‘ready’, but then insists on wanting ‘letter’ via the ‘envelope feeder’ – whatever that is.”

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters.

“The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A”

The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard.

“With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the cloud era as He now follows Michele on Twitter.”

The Tea-bag party will face a tough decision in the upcoming primaries as the Palin 1.0 model has yet to be discontinued, with many users unwilling to face the possible costs of the upgrade.

“Most on the extreme right-wing of American politics are comfortable with the current operation of the Palin 1.0. We know how to “y’all”, and “hockey mom” we even got to grips with the additional “mama grizzly” functionality released last year,” said a member fresh from Tea-bagging at a ‘U.S.A. - U.S.A.’ rally yesterday. “However it will take people a while to be able to understand the new Degree in Federal Tax Law enhancement.”

The initial release of the Palin 2.0 has not gone completely smoothly, with early adopters complaining of compatibility problems with history and science that can lead to corruption of important data.

“If you try to access information on America’s Founding Fathers using the Michele Bachmann you’ll find odd bits about fighting slavery when we all know that Thomas Jefferson loved slaves, loved them in all the ways. Repeatedly,” said one historian. “Oh and of course the Palin 2.0 is absolutely convinced the Sky Wizard knocked up the universe in six days. He probably filled in His tax form on the seventh.”

Monday, June 27, 2011

China’s Premier, Wen Jiabao, continued his British visit and promised that he would take measures to increase trade between Britain and China, in particular he offered to whip the Chinese into a frenzy to buy something, anything, British.

“Oh yes, very much so, several shall be whipped until they are pleading with us to let them buy a British car, say a thousand,” said Mr Wen. “That would be a thousand being whipped to buy one car, say the red one over there.”

China, soon to become the leading economy in the world, is thought to be sitting on cash reserves of $3trillion that it wants to diversify and use as investment.

“We have lots of dollars, lots, and Blue Jeans, we make them, like we make everything else,” said the Premier on a tour of Stratford-Upon-Avon. “We don’t have a ‘birthplace of Shakespeare’ though - yet - how much is it?”

“Ah yes, under British Leyland you had very expensive local communists that made bad cars,” said Mr Wen. “Now for MG we have very cheap Chinese communists that make anything you tell them how to do. The only striking in my country is done by the back of the supervisors’ hands.”

Mr Wen was introduced to some British shopkeepers as the historic town sweltered under high summer temperatures.

“He is the manager of the factory were everything I sell is made isn’t he? He seemed very nice,” said haberdasher Herbert Billingsworth. “He said that it was very good to see me sweating in my shop, it reminded him of home.”

Mr Wen was quizzed by reporters on the subject of human rights, a subject many in the west are keen to turn a blind-eye to as long as they can still get a great TV for £500. However Mr Wen said that it was important that China and the UK work closely together to ensure a common understanding of basic freedoms.

“In particular I was asked about child labour, and I think that yes, Britain should definitely have as much as possible, ” said the Chinese Premier. “It saves parents a fortune at Christmas as their children don’t want to take their work home with them.”

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Education secretary Michael Gove today continued the government’s theme of everything being one big charitable effort by suggesting that any parents faced with summer-holidays being cancelled by the planned Virgin pilot’s walkout should step into the cockpit and fly the planes themselves.

“It would be great if the wider aeroplane community could help with making sure that flights left on time,” said the Education Secretary. “I shall write to the airline and tell them there is nothing to stop airlines dropping all those training regulations if it means the planes can stay in the air.”

The Education Secretary is keen to emphasise that it is vitally important that everyone in Britain focuses on how we can all serve each other, for free, out of the goodness of our hearts.

“I had the idea just after I suggested that parents could replace striking teachers in classrooms,” said Gove. “You know these jobs can’t be that difficult, it’s not like these people are government ministers or anything.”

Mr Gove emphasised that a lot of fuss is made about training and “whatnot” saying that if we all pitched in we would soon get the hang of it.

“I am the country’s foremost authority on education, after all, and I have achieved that in only a year, ” said the Education Secretary. “And let me tell you something, I didn’t need fancy qualifications to become the leading expert on education! My background is in the arts – life true experiences - the stage dear-boy, that is where the real hard work is.”

Gove also asked if parents could fill in to replace the likes of Coldplay or Beyonce when Glastonbury takes a fallow year in 2012.

“And if the creation of the branch or Roman Catholicism called the Ordinariate means there is a shortfall of Church of England priests then I will intervene personally,” offered the education secretary. “I can lead any congregation, after all I played a Chaplain in A Feast At Midnight, luvvy. The show must go on!”

Saturday, June 25, 2011

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club.

“Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.”

Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland.

“The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.”

After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever making a play for any talent in the city.

“Louis never stopped experimenting though, he was keen that he could come out with something even more fabulous than Boyzone,” said O’Billingsworth. “And so the next batch from the vat in his lab became known as Westlife. This time they could talk, dress and walk normally, but they weren’t bright, Louis did have to explain to them that ‘Boyz II Men’ was not a day care centre.”

Mr Walsh has said that once he has cleared his name of the allegations in Dublin he wants his fans to know that he will return to work as a judge on the popular karaoke stall at the summer fair and that there will be new surprises in store.

“Oh it will be fabulous darling,” said O’Billingsworth. “Louis will be fired up to completely fail to spot talent again and what’s more after the show he will be running the bingo where he will be master of the balls.”

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Serially rubbish soothsayer Pastor Harold Camping today predicted yet another date for the coming of the Rapture. It will now definitely arrive in October, giving believers plenty of time to send in their cheques and postal orders.

“God, in his infinite compassion, would want to spare humanity 5 months of panic and suffering,” said ministry spokesman Pastor Harold Billingsworth. “So instead our ministry will fill His role, and spread fear across the world. But we can’t do it without your help, so remember to keep sending donations.”

Many believers have been left bewildered and poverty stricken after spending their life savings following Pastor Harold Camping’s third prediction for the imminent end of the world being announced as 21st May, 2011. The Pastor was quick to re-assure his followers that his ministry would still be there for them.

“If you assumed salvation on Saturday and thus have spent all your savings, don’t worry, I am sure God will help you get your old job back. Or a second job,” sympathised the Pastor. “And remember Family Radio International accepts credit card payments and post-dated cheques.”

The Pastor was speaking during a broadcast on his Family Radio International ministry - whose slogan is “Predicting tomorrow is Judgement Day since 1988”. During the broadcast he claimed that he had once again re-interpreted the literal Word of God.

“Of course, as a fundamental literalist we can never speak figuratively,” said a ministry statement. “But a 5 figure donation would attain Bronze level on our Savedness Plan.”

Many have criticised Pastor Camping as simply having wasted his life hoping that every day for 23 years will see the death and destruction wrought by the vengeful love of the big Sky Wizard, as predicted by Iron Age men some 2000 years ago. Others say that his ministry is testifying as to the infinite compassion of Christ.

“We can’t give compassionate refunds on donations, unfortunately, the ministry can barely get by on its $122m of assets,” said a spokesman. “Anyway, the ministry isn’t a charity, unless you are from the IRS, when it so obviously is.”

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Slave rebellion leader, Spartacus, today attempted to quell rumours that he was the latest celebrity figure to have taken out a super-injunction preventing certain details of his life from being openly discussed.

“I have nether had a Super-Injunction, nor have I ever had an affair with Gabby Logan,” said the leader of the Third Servile War on his Twitter account. “And it was a Roman trying to seduce Tony Curtis, not me.”

Spartacus is the latest celebrity to be caught up in the Super-Injunction controversy, in which high-profile figures who make lavish livings out of complimentary publicity decide that only nice things should ever be written about them in newspapers.

“Being a historical figure living over two thousand years ago, and living over seventeen hundred miles away in what you would now call South Western Bulgaria I am, of course a huge Manchester United fan,” said the former gladiator. “But I have never met Ryan Giggs and have no idea whether he like snails or oysters.”

The rebel leader, who either perished in the final battle with the Roman legions of Crassus in 71BC, or was crucified shortly thereafter, has said that he wants to remain out of the limelight as much as possible but is also keen on the truth being told.

“One thing you can say about me, I don't need to hide behind court rulings, because hundreds of my followers will declare themselves as being Spartacus to obstruct the authorities anyway,” said the Thracian warrior. “However, if the inevitable remake of the 1960 film about me is to be made, I would like Ewan McGregor to play my part, although I don't know who would be Antoninus for the close combat scenes.

Friday, May 13, 2011

The world's most high-profile expert on child neglect today welcomed the confirmation that the Prime Minister has instructed the Metropolitan Police to investigate the case of toddler Madeleine McCann, abducted when she was 3 years old.

“We need to go over those tragic events four years ago in Praia da Luz,” said an insider. “Only then will we know what really happened after her parents neglected little Maddie.”

Kate and Gerry McCann yesterday conducted a whirlwind round of press conferences and TV talk show appearances to promote their book on the events following their abandonment of their three small children in a holiday in Portugal. The book is a fund-raiser to continue the search and the promotion includes serialisation with The Sun, which has made so much money itself out of Maddie’s disappearance.

There is apparently no truth to the rumours that upon receiving the instruction from Downing Street to re-open investigations, Child Protection officers were despatched to investigate why the McCann's left three children aged 3 and 2 years alone whilst they wined and dined with friends.

“Of course everyone wants Maddie to be found safe and well after spending 4 years in the care of a kidnapper,” said a source close to the case. “But that would mean re-uniting her with the parents who preferred a well-deserved night-out after 3 years looking after their daughter before she came to any harm.”

Friday, May 06, 2011

With the news of the fatal wounding of crazed, terror leader “Colonel” Nick Clegg by a referendum result to the left eye, the power-brokers of the LibDem tyranny are jostling for appointment as the next self-serving bastard desperately grasping for power.

“The news is that Clegg seems to have been taken out by the Conservative Intelligence Agency in a sting operation that lasted a year,” said an insider. “With Colonel Clegg losing his grasp on power, others are clamouring to follow him and self-appoint themselves to the role of Deputy Prime Minister."

It has emerged that Conservative leader, Dave “I agree with stitching-up Nick” Cameron watched the conclusion of the operation from the Situation Room in Conservative Campaign Headquarters via a live satellite link.

“Last May, after painstaking work to somehow get myself into power, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action,” said the Prime Minister, “It was far from certain, and it took many months to be absolutely sure that we could really stitch the fucker right up.”

The operation to despatch Clegg was hatched following intense negotiations conducted last year when the terror leader Clegg held an entire country paralysed with his demands of imposing LibDem law on the UK.

“Un-elected despots like Clegg will always try to claim that what they are doing is for the good of the people, that they are giving the true democracy,” said a democracy protestor outside Colonel Clegg’s palace in Cowley Street, London. “Now everyone can see that their ideology and using female maths to calculate 50% was just a self-serving way of getting what they want.”

The revolution in Britain has finally exposed the LibDems ideology, and the people are now free from the endless propaganda messages of “fairer voting”, “joining the coalition in the interests of the country” and “Lebensraum”.

“An expected front runner to self-appoint himself Deputy PM would be Vince Cable who used to be such a safe pair of hands,” said an insider. “But now with Vince you can never be sure he won’t shit in his own hat.”

Monday, May 02, 2011

Today we all face the information overload: the constant bombardment from television, the internet, with emails and instant messaging filled with the lives of the Saints. This blinding highlight as to exactly why we are all going to hell. Not a day goes by for any of us in our sinful lives: whether we be bankers asking St Matthew for guidance on inflation, aircraft designers consulting with St Bona as to the coefficient of friction of air at -15C or drunk bus drivers asking St Christopher if the zebra crossing is clear, we all take direct guidance from the Saints.

So with a new Saint to be taught to Catholic school children waiting to learn about far off planets and dinosaurs (which clearly don't exist) here are the all important stages to the imminent creation of St Pope John Paul II the Great:-

Death:-The candidate must have been dead for 5 years. Or at least appear to be dead. Pope John Paul II couldn't resign and was wheeled out in an increasingly frail state when any compassionate organisation would have given him a bath chair, a bag of Werther's Originals and a DVD box-set of that nice “Antiques Roadshow”. However he worked for the Holy See so could expect no compassion.Culting:-The next important stage is that a total cult must be found to support the cause of those whose fans want to win the title of Saint. If the up-and-coming saint is believed to have lived a life that is at 11 on the holy scale then Rome might decide to call them “venerable”. His followers will be called “vulnerable”.

Beautification:-The Vulnerable supporters of their favourite Catholic will then begin searching for evidence that a miracle has been performed. The “beautification” of evidence needs to show that the miracle was specifically contrary to earthly laws, such as John Paul II's leadership in the Vatican facilitating moving paedophile priests to alternative parishes, rather than reporting the criminal offence to local law enforcement.

There needs to be two miracles – that is things that can be attributed to the proto-saint that defy rational explanation, here we would include John Paul II’s discouraging of people from using condoms in AIDS infested areas of Africa by stating that “they don’t work”.

Canonisation:-After your cult has had your past inspected and beautified by the cult of the Church of Rome, and you have been proven to have broken earthly laws then, and only then, can you be made a saint. This rigorous process, using purely subjective criteria derived from the mistranslation of partially complete, heavily edited texts passed from generation to generation through word-of-mouth and illiterate story tellers, before being committed to heavily edited documents of dubious provenance that are nowadays found only as incomplete texts, awaiting the inevitable reboot, is rounded off by the arbitrary decision of the pope. The current pope is a straight-right-arm-saluting enthusiast who believes that places like the UK contain sinful levels of equality.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand.

The ConservativesThe Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum.

LabourEd Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. After that it took 6 wars, two economic crisis, 14 affairs, foot-and-mouth, foot-in-mouth and a game of croquet to finally get John Prescott to free up some time to go on Top Gear.

The Liberal DemocratsLibDem leader ‘Colonel’ Nick Clegg is in favour of AV – Aston Villa which is David Cameron’s favourite football team. As the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is one of the leading experts on unfair electoral systems but he is a passionate supporter of Nick Clegg being deputy Prime Minister. It is not just on the subject of AV that Nick Clegg has been described as a “miserable little compromise”.

SNPThe Scottish Nationalists are not actually in favour of AV as such, what with it being proposed by an Englishman, instead they are in favour of a system known as STN – the Single Transferable Note. Under this system a huge credit note is forwarded from London to Edinburgh each year so the English can pay for the Scots to moan about how beastly they are being by subsidising every Scots children’s right to free prescriptions, education and Tennant’s Extra. The SNP has long complained that the first-past-the-post system leads to an unrepresentative government in Westminster – what with party leaders such as Tony Blair being born in Edinburgh, Sir Menzies Campbell, Charles Kennedy, Gordon Brown all being Scottish and even David Cameron having a bloody Scottish surname.

Plaid CymruThe Welsh nationalists don’t want AV either, they are also keen on the STN system. However they are also upset that the vote will take place on the same day that the National Assembly of Wales election takes place and the winner of the Best Leak is chosen by Max Boyce.

Northern Ireland PartiesDon’t knee-cap me.

The Green PartyThey don’t want AV either. Something about all that paper used in the ballot process. Instead they want a system where each voter typically gets two votes - one for an individual, and one for a party. The exact proportion of constituency representatives and list representatives is decided by a community council members in an eco-friendly commune meeting, where everyone wears hemp. And doesn’t wash. Apparently the Green Party of Scotland disagrees with that of England and, surprisingly, is more in favour of the Single Transferable Note system (see SNP).

UK Independence PartyUKIP sees the current first-past-the-post system as a “nightmare” because “no one votes for us”. They too are not in favour of AV because “no one will vote for us”. They prefer a system called ‘AV plus’ by which all candidates must have no idea of Britain’s geography or international trading partners. Under the AV plus system no one will vote for them either.

BNPThe BNP don’t want AV either. They see it as unfair that as voters rank their favourite candidates the traditional white ballot papers would have to incur such an increased level of black markings.

English Democrats The English (not British) Democrats actually support the AV system – at fucking last - sadly there are only three of them and all four are batshit crazy.

Christian Peoples Alliance They may be irrational but that doesn’t stop them having a coherent policy. As their leader says himself under the current system "the same party wins every time”. Apart from 1802. And 1806. Oh and 1830. Whoops don’t forget about 1835 and 1841. And 1847. Or 1852, Yes, the same winner every time. No wait there was 1857, 1874, 1880, 1885, 1895, 1906, 1922, 1923, 1924, 1929, 1935, 1945, 1951, 1964, 1970, 1974, 1979, 1997 and finally 2010 when we all lost. And anyway, if you local area is shit, it's because God wanted it that way.

RespectNo, they feel that AV is not representative enough either and that democracy is being let down by the state. Is it ‘cos the voting pencil is black?

Jury TeamThe Jury Team is definitely in support of limiting government borrowing to 10% of expenditure on a time machine to take them all back to the 1950s. They aren’t in favour of AV (that would be mad, look at this list for who is). No they are against the whole referendum! I don’t know why they are moaning anyway, 2011 is just like 1951. No one can afford a banana.

Communist PartyYou’ll never guess - but they aren’t up for AV either. They are, however, in favour of a radically more representative voting system, whereby a few hundred people, motivated by their lust for power and a desire to avoid hard labour, rubber stamp the lunatic ravings of 6 debauched old men who are at the safe end of a loaded gun. Everyone else will be given a single, transferable potato. The lucky bastards.

Monday, April 11, 2011

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island.

“Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.”

The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf.

“It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we'd probably have to raise taxes and this would mean less sweets for the children of Iceland, which is all we eat of course,” said Ms Sigurðardóttir, 9, from her bouncy castle in Reykjavík North. “It has nothing at all to do with me then being voted out of office for making other Icelandic children sad you baddies.”

The leader of the ruling Teflon Party said that it had considered all available options in terms of fulfilling its international obligations but the sums were very hard indeed. Instead they asked all of the other Icelandic children over 18 to vote on whether they would like to do something unpleasant or not.

“We discussed whether we could make a tent and hide under our duvets, or perhaps all phone up Britain and say we have funny tummies,” said the Prime Minister. “We were as shocked as anyone at the result of the referendum question 'Should we pay back money to Britain and Holland who are just being mean, horrible bullies?' So there!”

The UK treasury said that it was going to pursue every avenue possible to reclaim the €4bn that it felt it was owed.

“If they won't pay back money owed then clearly no one is going to be lending them more money in the future. This might not be a good long-term position for them to be in, given their country is essentially a volcano covered in dead fish and seal poo,” said Chancellor George Osborne, 12, from his Whitehall rumpus room. “But most importantly I shall be raising the important issue at the next meeting of the world's Finance Ministers, that Iceland’s Minister, Billings Billingssen smells and has a small willy.”

Saturday, April 09, 2011

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor.

"Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister. “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.”

Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues.

“I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and the ideological cuts of the far right,” said Colonel Nick Clegg. “As the glorious Yellow Week of May has shown, it is the career aspirations of the LibDem minority that must be represented in government and adopting the Alternative to Voting system we can continue the glorious Yellow Revolution indefinitely.”

Today's Grand National will be awarded to the leading horse whose jockey is wearing Yellow silks, and the prized Master's green jacket will be handed from last year's winner to the player with the lowest 72-hole score, who will then hand it on to Mr Clegg who will pronounce himself winner and the jacket to be yellow coloured.

“Aston Villa, David Cameron's favourite team and therefore one I support wholeheartedly, have scored more goals in Birmingham than any other side whose name begins with A that has a French manager, and so clearly they would pick up the primary votes in that category and so will be Premier League champions.” explained the architect of the nation's democratic future. “Apart from Arsenal, who won't win under any system.”

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.”

Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia.

“Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.”

Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault, from the current political make-up to our understanding of global geography.

“Oh, yeah, Whiskey, I mean people come over here – which is something they wouldn’t have been able to do if we hadn’t sorted out Longitude of course or jet travel - and tell us how crap we are,” said Britain. “Mind you they like to stay here for years while they do it. Odd that.

“However I want to issue this apology, on behalf of every Briton that has ever existed,” said the former dominant super power. “We are sorry we sacrificed everything to preserve freedom and the rule of democratic civil law – something we essentially invented – twice..

“Yeah, and America right, we are terribly sorry that we gave you a sound capitalist foundation, the principles of English common-law and an industrialised society to start you out. We were unthinking bastards. We should have just given you the mammoths and rocks we started out with and you would have been happier I am sure. And we really, genuinely, are sorry that we are so inconsiderate to want to point out that we had something to do with winning World War II. We really are bastards by supplying over half the troops for the D-Day landings and all the naval forces, which so gets in the way of you appropriating our history. We gave you the british invention of the jet engine for nothing, and then we get upset when you betray us during the Suez crisis. Yep, nothing good has come of us, nothing.”

Britain refused to deny rumours that it was looking to set up a new home on Mars and would not divulge a forwarding address for begging letters from bankrupt European nations.

“No, you are all better off without us, aren't you. All you ever wanted from the last thousand years was to happily blunder around the in dark and praying that the sun god would rise again in the morning, or that a carpenter from 2000 years ago created everything in his previous job as a mythical being,” slurred the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. “And we just spoiled it with electricity, Joseph Swan’s light bulbs and that whole annoying science and evolution stuff. And contract law to facilitate global trade. And vaccines. Yeah, apart from that, what have the Britons ever done for us? Nothing.”

“I think Britain is getting a little over tired, and clearly a bit emotional,” said Spain at the annual 'Shit Britain' convention. “We know that Britain has a drink problem and I think they are becoming how you say, bad sports?”

“Sport? Hah! We invented them all! Football? Cricket? Golf? Baseball? Rugby? Even bloody table tennis!” screamed the frustrated island nation. “OK we are bad at those sports but we don’t moan when you bloody take all the international ruling bodies away from us and spell their titles backwards in French acronyms.

”And don’t let's get started on the French, some of the most fun we've ever had was bombing France whilst saving their collaborating-german-sausage-loving arses.

In other news, India has asked for global recognition for having founded modern mathematics by creating the zero.

“Exactly, zero,” slurred Britain as it lurched for the door. “They want credit for inventing nothing.”

“Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.”

The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies.

“The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily damaged by our attempts to damage them,” said Clive Billingsworth at the MOD. “It seems one of our salesman offered a sweetener deal. When Libya took out the extra cover on the Bofors 40mm autocannon we gave them a free gold-plated HDMI cable.”

The joy in Tripoli at the prospect of a large payout was curtailed upon news that during the night a RAF Tornado had fired a smart missile that mysteriously on managed to destroy a single filing cabinet in the Libyan finance ministry.

“Our review of the Libyan claim has concluded and it transpired overnight that they will be unable to produce the necessary paperwork to support their claim,” explained Billingsworth. “However the good news for any new government in Libya is that we currently have a load of anti-aircraft weaponry on sale at the moment since all of the manuals are written in Egyptian.”

The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone.

“To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.”

The Brigadier General said that an intensive search had been carried out for the Army and enquiries had been made with its most important contacts, but local pub landlords and prostitutes where equally mystified by its disappearance.

“We were hopeful we might be able to recover an aeroplane as we had information that some had been seen being operated by something called an RAF,” said Billingsworth. “However when we questioned the shell-shocked and battle-weary group disembarking it turned out to be a scheduled RyanAir flight.”

The list of MOD property that has been stolen runs to many pages and not only includes the loss of the armed forces, but following the botched SAS mission that was captured by Libyan farmers the inventory was re-issued to include the loss of reputation and respect.

“On the other hand we have gained the support of The Sun,” said Billingsworth. “And Jim Davidson. Bugger.”

Friday, March 25, 2011

Campaigners trying to save the pristine, virgin countryside they say is threatened by proposals for a new High Speed line from Birmingham to London have run into an obstacle due to their principled stance against countryside damage and compulsory purchases.

“We were going to go down to that there London, but it turns out it isn't at the end of our road,” explained campaigner Hillary Billingsworth, 35. “In fact London isn't even in our lovely, picturesque village, with its robust house prices.”

The campaigners are concerned that the area around the Chilterns, which has lain untouched for hundreds of years after all the forests where cut down for farms and to build the Elizabethan royal navy, may have its character permanently altered by having trains run through it periodically.

“This land has been just like it is now since I was born and, therefore, must always have been like this and, therefore, must always remain like this,” said Billingsworth. “Apparently some of these so-called trains make noise, whatever that is, and we simply can't have any ducks in the area inconvenienced by periodically not being able to hear a frog.”

The obstacle to increased protests is that there is no mechanism by which the campaigners can go anywhere where there heartfelt pleas on behalf of the wolves and bears that where displaced by the clear-cutting of the forests in the middle ages can be heard.

“Well, I worked out where London is, but just as I was about to buy a train ticket one of our members pointed out that the Great Western train line had in fact been built through countryside 150 years ago,” said Billingsworth. “It was a great shock to us all I can tell you.”

The group's revised plans, to take a rail replacement coach trip to Parliament Square, were then thrown into disarray by another member who had recently borrowed a book on transport from their local library, which has since closed.

“Well, Brian said that the motorway was only built in the 1960s and that previously it had all been countryside,” said Billingsworth. “It turns out it is countryside under all the roads, and people's houses were demolished to build some of the bridges. It is very alarming.”

The campaigners have finally solved the transport problem, although they do admit that the revised travel plans will make their journey times somewhat longer as they plan to walk to Birmingham airport and then fly to London.

“We remembered what a good job it was that Mother Nature made all those natural tarmac runways for us to land planes on when we visit charming, unspoilt villages in Tuscany! Mind you a two-day trek across the hills to Birmingham will be a bit of a palaver,” said Billingsworth. “If only there was some other way to get from Birmingham to London quickly.”

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

In coffee shops and libraries all over the world, apart from Britain where there are no libraries, students, writers and posers nod to each other in acknowledgement of their shared experience of using Apple products. But where it was once knowingly being one of the in-crowd, now it is sympathy with a fellow sufferer.

“Yeah, man, the MacBook is cool, it looks good, and everything just works,” said Paul Billingsworth at the British Library before muttering under his breath. “Well apart from managing any files, or backing up to a Windows server. Or typing in text.”

Historically the Apple laptop or as it is more commonly known the 'why put the backslash there you piece of shit' MacBook has been the provision of the graphic designer, someone whose stock-in-trade is form over function. However with the success of other Apple products such as the iPad everyone has a MacBook. And they are starting to annoy us.

“It used to be cool. You'd sit there, with your 'why the hell have the default behaviour of a function key to be something laptop specific piece of shit' MacBook, and tell everyone just how 'everything's so intuitive you only need one mouse button',” explained Billingsworth. “But secretly you'd think 'eventually, once you'd figured out that fn+backspace was delete. For fucks sake.”

While most still agree that the MacBook is by far the neatest piece of laptop hardware with its marvellous looking aluminium case. Its famed battery life is best in class by virtue only of being on tightly controlled hardware of a mid-range spec, despite the price premium.

“Everyone's got one now so everyone knows that the glowing logo on the lid means I paid twice as much as the corresponding Windows laptop for the same spec and that I’m likely to have to bin it if the battery fails to hold charge because I can't replace the fucking thing,” explained Billingsworth. “Oh and you don't have a Home or an End key. It's like an Apple designer has never actually used a laptop for any actual fucking work. Fucking piece of fucking shit.”

Technology pundits say that the so-called 'MacLash' is starting to become apparent because normal computer users have been lured from other Apple products.

“Many people just experiment a little, say an iPad at a party, or maybe they occasionally have an iPod purely for recreational use,” said technology writer Mr Bloggy. “Then they start to get onto the harder stuff, maybe meet up with a hardcore MacBook dealer and then it's a spiral and before they know it they are slumped in despair at home in front of a couple of grands worth of iMac. Apple really screws you up.”

“And if you add a special key – like the command key – why fucking have that as the fucking key you have to press to use standard fucking functions? Why not use one of those fucking control keys they introduced on word-processors about 40 years ago?” shouted Billingsworth in the British Library Cafe. ““And another thing. Finder? What the fucking, fucketty-fuck is that? All you want to do is move a file, but no, no cut option. It's like the 80s never happened.”

“'Everything just works' my arse! Saving a document makes you assume the fuckers at Apple think all you want to do is spray 'New Folders' around like a drunk stationer in a force nine gale,” continued Billingsworth screaming next to the King's Library before adding ”Ooh, is that one of the new Thunderbolt MacBooks? Nice!”

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce.

“History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.”

Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled.

“Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.”

Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no intention of ever leaving Libya and that he wanted to continue as the country's leader as long as he was beloved by his people and they were shooting only his enemies.

“My ministers have been using the last Internet connection in Libya to check Wikipedia for stories of the triumphs of my peers, Saddam’s what?” continued Gaddafi in his radio address. “Oh, and Slobodan too? Really? And Stars in Their Eyes has gone too?”

Mr Gaddafi broke off his speech to ask of the fates of other power mad dictators, such as Pol-Pot and Augusto Pinochet. He was audibly heartened to learn that Simon Cowell was still alive. The Libyan leader then abruptly ended his speech by announcing there would be a medley of inspiring songs to rouse the people in his favour.

“Do you think Davina will do another celebrity special?” he was heard to ask. “Now, who wants to hear Delilah again?”