Do you ever wonder why someone is mad at you? Do you have trouble figuring out why? Would you like to discover the reason behind it without making him even more angry? This step-by-step guide will help you solve these communication problems and move past interpersonal conflict!

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Steps

Part 1 of 4: Reflecting on Your Behavior

1

Reflect on your recent behavior around the person. Episodes of anger have triggers that play a large part in igniting these emotional chain reactions[1]. Knowledge of this triggering event may exist in your own memory. If you discover the source of the problem through reflection, you can skip the rest of this guide and focus on apologizing instead.

Did you fail to return an important call?

Forget an anniversary?

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2

Think about the last few conversations you had. Did you say something that made him react negatively?

Did you make a joke that was not well-received?

Criticize his actions?

3

Examine your patterns of behavior. He may not be angry because of one thing. Many times, a single event can be the straw that breaks that camel's back, and people have different levels of resilience or tolerance for stressful events before they hit a breaking point[2]. Ask yourself if he has expressed disapproval with your patterns of behavior before.

Do you consistently show up late to social engagements?

Talk over him?

4

Be honest with yourself[3]. It can be difficult to objectively assess your behavior in relation to the person, but this is a necessary procedure if you hope to discover the source of the interpersonal conflict.

Explore your emotions. If you reflect on a particular exchange or way of relating that you have with the person and it drudges up strong emotions, that may be a sign of something significant and help you uncover the reason behind his frustration.

Analyze your thoughts. Many of us engage in irrational thinking when we become involved with another person. Closeness to the situation causes us to lose some of the objectivity that comes with an outside vantage point. Pinpoint irrational thoughts in order to follow the tracks to your beliefs about the person, which can cause you to act a certain way toward him.

Be aware of your behavior. Pay attention to what you are doing in moments where you interact with the person. Automatic and unthoughtful actions can be the source of a great deal of interpersonal conflict. Practice mindfulness meditation in order to attain greater awareness and attentional control over yourself[4].

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Part 2 of 4: Looking for Clues in Your Interactions

1

Watch for classic signs of anger[5]. Behavioral expressions of anger can range from the verbal to the physical, and beyond, into intentional aggression. When broaching certain topics, the person may exhibit signs of anger that can clue you in to the source of the emotion.

2

Look for verbal expressions of anger. Some examples may be yelling, arguing, cursing, and sarcasm. Paying attention to when these displays of emotion show up will help you determine his triggering event.

3

Make note of physical expressions of anger. These can show up as raised fists, throwing or breaking objects, and hitting or kicking things in the environment. Follow the trail backwards from these explosive moments to what seemed to trigger the elevation in emotion.

4

Keep an eye out for aggression. Aggression is contrasted with other forms of anger expression by its focused intentionality. Instead of undirected anger, aggression is a sign that someone specifically wants to hurt you. Like the other forms of expression, it can provide clues to the triggering event.

Be careful when aggression shows up, as it can result in emotionally or physically injurious behavior.

5

Listen closely to the content. Anger can show up not only in the way things are expressed, but in the expressions themselves. When people are angry, they temporarily display attributes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, such as entitlement, overblown confidence, manipulation, and a lack of empathy. Recognize these symptoms for what they are and do your best to trace their emotional lineage[6].

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Part 3 of 4: Using the Mindful Approach

1

Establish respect. If it becomes necessary to engage someone over the issue, tell him that you understand he is feeling angry and want to resolve the issue together. This will let him know that you respect his emotions and that you come in peace[7].

Explain that you want to know why he is mad so that you can help, and that you are sorry for your contribution to how he feels. You do not need to agree with the content of what he is saying in order to appreciate the difficulty of his emotional state.

2

Be aware of your reactions. Try not to raise your voice, use sarcasm, or accuse him of being irrational. These actions will only escalate the situation.

Additionally, be aware of your nonverbal body communication. Frowning, shaking your head, and rolling your eyes will put him on the defensive and create additional tension[8].

3

Frame the discussion in terms of your experience. Rather than accusing him of being angry at you, say that you are worried you have done something to make him mad, but you are not sure what you did.

Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. This will help to avoid blame[9].

4

Practice effective listening. Try to restate what they are saying in your head, to make sure you understand his position. If he is open to it, go a step further and ask him to confirm that you got it right. This will involve him in the process and show him that you are putting in the time and effort to really understand the meaning he is trying to convey[10].

5

Model good behavior. Psychological research shows that while many people respond negatively to being told what to do or being given direct advice, they are open to adopting behaviors from others that are perceived to be effective and result in positive outcomes[11].

Example: If the person says something rude, take a few deep breaths before replying. This will activate your parasympathetic nervous system and calm you down, so that you can respond with a more even temper. He will notice this shift in attitude and may want to try it out himself![12].

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Part 4 of 4: Using the Assertive Approach

1

Consider your needs as well as his. Find a balance between passivity and aggression. Assert your feelings and needs while remaining open and sensitive to what he is saying and feeling as well. This will help you avoid things like frustration and resentment at not having your own needs met[13].

You want to discover the reason behind his anger, but you want to protect yourself in the process.

2

Be upfront. Some people prefer to avoid direct confrontation and choose to talk with a friend or family member, but if the person finds out you went behind his back, it could make him even more angry. The indirect approach is best considered as a backup plan. Being upfront is usually the best option.

Being assertive in this manner will cultivate an honest relationship and you will gain the respect of the other person[14].

3

Use facts, not judgments[15]. This will help to establish common ground, since you are pointing to things that you can both experience as true, rather than personal feelings which can seem true for one person but not the other.

Clearly state your position. This will give the disagreement a solid foundation, to which he can respond and share his feelings on what you have put out there. He may not agree with how you have framed the issue, but this will let him know where you stand and create the conditions for more in-depth dialogue[16].

5

Look and act the part. Important nonverbal considerations such as posture, eye contact, and a steady tone of voice will show the other person that you are receptive, but also firm in your convictions and self-respect. This will create an equal playing field, so that the person's angry temperament does not override your need to carve out space for yourself as well[17].

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