9 Movie Dogs That Should Have Been Put To Sleep

Oh, they'll go to live with a family on a farm, all right...*takes off sunglasses*...a death farm.

Forget female body types. It’s depictions of dogs in movies that create unrealistically high expectations. They can’t all be Lassie or Rin Tin Tin. I’m a dog-lover, but there are many, many, many annoying dogs in this world, and Hollywood is responsible for a disproportionate amount of them. With that in mind, let's take a look a 9 movie dogs that should have been put to sleep.

9. Puffer – There’s Something About Mary

This spastic little dog is about as obnoxious as his owner, Magda. Puffer has tricked Magda into thinking that he can judge the quality of a person within moments of just reading them, which is total crap. I bet Hitler himself could stroll into her joint with a pocketful of bacon and pass Puffer’s litmus test.

Also, Puffer bit Ben Stiller in the crotch and neck. Nowadays, I would say that merits a medal and parade, but this was before I was sick of Ben Stiller, so I condemn Puffer to death.

8. Chloe – Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Don’t feel like I need to state much of a case here. Chihuahuas are annoying. Beverly Hills Chihuahuas are unspeakably annoying (I would assume). This dog vacations in Mexico. I don’t even vacation in Mexico. What crap! To give you an idea of what we’re dealing with, the Chihuahua is voiced by Drew Barrymore, so that’s another strike against Chloe. She has a diamond collar, too.

Dogs shouldn’t have nicer things than I do. That’s so unfair.

7. The Bumpus’ Dogs – A Christmas Story

They ate The Old Man’s turkey. If you knew how big of a turkey junkie the old man was, you’d have no trouble doling out the death penalty to these pups. Neither the dogs, nor the Bumpus’ themselves show any regard for personal space and property. It's not their fault that their owners are trash, but these dogs are beyond help. They need to be put down.

6. Cujo – Cujo

Cujo is perhaps the saddest story on this list. The once-friendly St. Bernard gets bitten by a rabid bat, which leads to the dog running rampant in a small town, killing the patriarch of the Cambers clan, the town’s sheriff, and anyone else unwise enough to try to enter the Cambers house.

Cujo’s story doesn’t end well, so we don’t need to speak in hypotheticals here. The story is sad, but if my dog eats my dad, my dog is going to play on a farm somewhere. A metaphorical farm...that represents death.

5. Marley – Marley and Me

A dog can be too cute. The risk of this is especially high if the dog routinely keeps company with Owen Wilson. Like dogs that are abused and raised to fight, dogs that are raised cute have a hard time re-acclimating. Of course, I would never be able to dispatch such an adorable dog (or any living thing, for that matter). However, I would definitely be able to shoot Owen Wilson, so I would command Wilson at gunpoint to take down his dog. That I could do.

4. Daphne – Look Who’s Talking Now

An uppity poodle voiced by Diane Keaton in a wildly unnecessary second sequel to a wildly unnecessary original film about talking babies. (Bangs gavel) “I sentence you to death by chocolate consumption, Daphne.”

3. Milo – The Mask

Jim Carrey isn’t the only spastic animal in this comic-book film. Milo, the Jack Russell Terrier belonging to Stanley (Carrey), becomes just as obnoxious and cartoon-y when he dons the titular mask. Keep the mask away from this hyperactive mutt and we won’t have a problem. However, if he gets all hammy and rubber-faced like Jim Carrey, there will be blood. Puppy blood.

2. Dollar – Richie Rich

Dollar seems like a fine companion. Loyal and able, he has done no wrong. But Richie has bred this poor beast to be a model of the conspicuous consumption and hubris for which this country has become known and hated. So really, it’s either put Dollar to sleep or get an exit plan from the Middle East. Frankly, the dog thing just seems a lot easier.

1. Scrappy-Doo – Scooby-Doo

This little Napoleonic ankle-biter makes all the other entrants on this list look like Lassie. He’s all “lemme at ‘em” and such, when he should know full well that he would get stomped by even a toddler. Perhaps with some very intense sedatives, Scrappy could be reconditioned, but more than likely, considering the gang has no money for canine medications, he is a lost cause. In a poetic bit of irony, I propose scrappy is placed in front of a mirror so that he can annoy himself to death.