Juror No. 59 In the Martin Shkreli Trial Ain’t Nuthing ta F’ Wit

It seems that the court of public opinion has long since come to a conclusive verdict in Martin Shkreli’s fraud trial, citing the precedent set in the landmark 1999 U.S. Supreme Court case of Wu-Tang Clan v. People F’n Wit Wu-Tang Clan.

Yes, while the convicted fraudster and Riot Fest persona non grata is most definitely going to prison, the path that led us to this just place was not paved with good intentions. Harpers has just published the transcript of last June’s jury selection interviews, and we’ve learned several things from these hilarious proceedings.

Juror No. 1 came out swinging with the fury of Thursday opening a show with “Understanding In A Car Crash” by declaring they were “aware of the defendant,” they “hate him,” Shkreli is a “greedy little man” and that they “wouldn’t want me on that jury.”

Juror Nos. 18, 25, 28, 40 and 47 were all quickly dismissed because of their impartiality stemming from previous knowledge of the defendant jacking up the price of an AIDS drug by 5,000%. The latter potential juror even compared him to Bernie Madoff, the grand wizard of Ponzi schemes. Juror No. 28 spoke for many when they said that they “would honestly, like, seriously like to go over there…”

Juror No. 144 took things a step further after declaring their previous knowledge of how the defendant “bought an album from the Wu-Tang Clan for a million dollars,” and admitted that they would not be able to approach the case with an open mind, on account of they think that the Pharma Bro “kind of looks like a dick.”

But the grand jury prize goes to Juror No. 59, who bravely spoke up for all of us with the following dialogue…

The Court: Juror Number 59, come on up.
Juror No. 59: Your Honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything because…
The Court: Okay. Is that your attitude toward anyone charged with a crime who has not been proven guilty?
Juror No. 59: It’s my attitude toward his entire demeanor, what he has done to people.
The Court: All right. We are going to excuse you, sir.
Juror No. 59: And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.

Juror No. 59, please come forward. Your public display of respect for the Wu-Tang Clan has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that you are truly nuthing ta F’ wit, and it has earned you a pair of Riot Fest three-day VIP passes.