Letting the Kid Take Over

I don’t feel like writing a blog post today, but I should have something new here. So, I’ve decided to let my one month-old baby write today’s entry rather than me just phoning in some piece of junk. It’ll be like Billy taking over The Family Circus, although hopefully less lame. Nothing is more lame than The Family Circus, except for maybe Dutch Wonderland. Any amusement park that has as its central attraction a roller coaster called “The Sky Princess” is not particularly amusing, unless you’re two or thereabouts. Without yammering further, here’s my one month-old kid with today’s entry:

There is a scourge upon the land. People everywhere wear these loathsome, disgusting articles of clothing called “shirts.” They must be stopped. I, personally, will not rest until every shirt I see has been stretched out at the collar beyond recognition or stained by spit up.

It is easy to ruin a shirt, and I see it as my duty to write an Anarchist Cookbook on the subject for my fellow infants. When you’re slung over someone’s shoulder to burp, grab on to the collar and yank as hard as you can. At the same time, make sure your burps are juicy, thereby spreading as much regurgitated milk or formula over as wide an area of the shoulder as possible.

If your parents begin to wise up to your plan and switch to burping you in a seated position in their laps, you can still grab hold of the shirt and yank hard, thereby stretching out in other places. Better yet, if the shirt has buttons, you can grasp them and pull them off. When spitting up, make sure to turn your head in the direction of your parent’s torso, thereby covering as wide an area of the front of the shirt.

My fellow baby boys, you have a special, additional duty here. When your diaper is being changed, you have the unique ability to aim, if you know what I mean. Point your nether regions in the direction of your parent’s shirt, and let it fly. Adults cannot keep making these disgusting pieces of patterned fabric forever. With enough effort, we will be rid of these awful shirts once and for all!