Happy Friday! I Still Love Black Men.

Oh – two great things though. My daughter turned 22 yesterday. And I met up with a friend who I see on average, twice a year. I always rejoice in our time spent catching up. We went to Iguanas in midtown Manhattan. Yum!

I started this entry wanting to piggyback off of a fellow blogger’s post titled A Tired Black Woman. It begins:

Dear Black Man, I’m tired of you and everyone in America trying to tell me what beauty is…

At first click, I clicked back off, because I felt a rant coming on that I wasn’t receptive to. But I like Tikeetha’s writing, and her vulnerability and outlook as a woman and blogger, so I went back.

Here’s what I wound up commenting on her blog:

I have to admit that I got turned off at “dear black man, I’m tired of you.” And it’s the same when I read things that start off harping on “the Black woman.” We all have our truths though, and expressing them and having others relate is a beautiful thing. It’s hard for me to be tired of “the Black man” in a general sense or as a whole when I have two grown black sons, and when I love the essence of black men, and when I came from one, and when I’m loving and appreciating one as a partner. (P.s. I might piggyback off this post on my blog.)

I’ve had less than satisfactory experiences with black men. And if I were white, I would be writing “I’ve had less than favorable experiences with white men” – because that who I would have likely been exposed to. However, I grew up in the hoods of Brooklyn before they were gentrified.

Something in me attracted my partners, and my experiences with them have only made me stronger (and wiser). And I intend to continue loving on black men – my sons, my lover, my friends, and just in general. And I’ve always, always had men tell me they admired my beauty – never anything different. The ones who found me unattractive probably just didn’t approach! Cool! I’m great with that.

None of this is to say there aren’t black men – and men in general – who hate women, or men who want to dictate beauty standards, or men who shirk their responsibilities (going back to the Tired Woman post). They aren’t in my experience.

23 replies

Great post! I titled it “A Tired Black Woman” because I’m tired of some black men who judge black women on social media. We continue to attack each other instead of trying to stand up for each other. It’s exhausting. There are many black men who only find women who wear their hair natural or locked attractive and that’s fine. It’s your preference. But, does that mean that the other women who don’t are unattractive and have no self-esteem? Nope. His narrow mindedness pushed me to the edge. I told him that black women just want you to shut the f**k up about what we are or are not doing. How we look or don’t look and just love us. That’s it that’s all. If I dogged black men out then men would call me a bitter b**ch. I don’t. I’m raising a black boy and that would be counterproductive to his development, but it’s exhausting being told that I’m not enough by men in my own race. So, I wrote that for all the women who are tired of the b.s. I’m not encouraging us to turn away from anyone we love, but I want black men to see what we see and hold some of these foolish men accountable for their actions.

If I dogged black men out then men would call me a bitter b**ch. I don’t.

That part made me chuckle. 🙂

Thanks for the back story. I have a better understanding of why you wrote the post now. That man has an immature outlook. You can like what you like without bashing women who don’t fit the bill. As I said, those men are in the minority any way I look at it, and I rarely even encounter them online because I’m quick to unfollow. And it just hasn’t been my experience. Most black men love black women. I give my attention to the ones I love and the ones who love me.

I have dated interracially, albeit only once. I found her to be beautiful inside and out. But that really had nothing to do with her race, necessarily. Besides our slightly different tastes in music, it was really no different than dating any other woman I’ve…well, dated. 😃

I have dated and loved both. My first was a Jewish guy in Boston in my early 20s. Now I look at who cares for me and not the color of their skin. I can honestly say, though I love black men, white men turn me on because they seem to love me for me. The woman I am. The intimidation factor isn’t there and what I do with my hair is loved.

I so get that about white men turning you on and loving you for you and there not being an intimidation factor. Isn’t that comforting?

I feel the same way. I’ve had a lot of experiences that I feel some people cannot fully grasp or relate to – because it just hasn’t been their reality.

Comment about hair is funny because I used to think non-black people wouldn’t appreciate all my different hairstyles (weaves, braids, afro, etc.). Lol. Met an African-British man who is just as curious. Lol. I’m like “really?!”

Oh, and white men Never approach me in that way. They may stare, or make small talk on line in a store or an elevator or something, but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t feel slighted at all tho; I’m cool with that.

Funny. I’ve dated men of many different races and cultures because it just never bothered me.
As a Hispanic woman, when I dated other Hispanic men, the main issue was usually machismo or temper. I married a gringo and got separated/soon-to-divorce and vowed to never date a gringo again because I felt my upbringing was too different. Then I dated another gringo and have found him to be really great. So, I guess it’s a matter of finding the right fit. Certain races and cultures will be different but the fundamentals have to be the same to get on well?

I tend to think people have certain stereotypes and preconceived notions based on how they were raised. Someone who automatically attacks a woman for her fashion choices on social media is usually an ass, and they come in all colors and creeds! Lol!

Nice. You can say you’ve had the experience. Does gringo mean Latino? To this point:

I tend to think people have certain stereotypes and preconceived notions based on how they were raised…

This isn’t the case for me. My mother had a child with a Caucasian man and dated other non-black men.

For me, it’s about a deep affinity for men of color. 99% of the time when I see a man I find attractive, he’s black and probably has strong facial features and chocolate looking skin. Beauty goes beyond that and more into essence of course, but I think that attraction predates my birth. It’s in my DNA. I know it sounds woo woo, but that’s how I feel it. Has nothing to do with believing other men aren’t beautiful, or being raised to think interracial dating is wrong. Some folks wrongly assume that.

Now when I was a little girl, and 99.9% of men and boys on TV were white, that’s who I fantasized about sometimes (and the actual black boys in my class). Cue tye cast of that movie “The Breakfast Club.” That’s programming though.

You lost me a bit at the fashion choices part, but I’m thinking you’re pointing out general ignorance.

Lol! Gringo means white, anglo to us Latinos! Forgot you live in Brussels!

I’m totally into woo woo so I believe it. There are things I can’t explain that I just know or feel. Much of why I have faith in the unknown. 🙂
I can see how I lost you in the fashion statement. I was referring back to the ignorance Tikeetha was facing with the guys that seemed to think they could berate her for her choices on what to wear or do with her body. 🙂

Although I only dated black men before I got married, I would have been open to dating someone of another race. But in the end, they are all men, just of different colors. There are pure azzholes in every race, and their are great men in every race. I so happen to find a black man who want to put a ring on it and treats me like a queen.

til this day, I’ve only dated black men and I still ignore non-black men who try to holla. I do wonder sometimes what would happen if I were single and moved someplace where we weren’t plentiful. (I probably wouldn’t do that. lol) Congratulations on your good loving and marriage!

I have never had anything against interracial relationships. When I was in the dating game, I would get 100% cooperation for women of all groups. I just vibed more with Black women because we have the same struggle. Interracial dating becomes a problem when you date interracial and start saying all lives matter, it’s not about race, etc. I have to start looking at you sideways because you’re doing this for acceptance. Date whoever you want just don’t ignore what’s going on around you. That can’t and won’t save you.

When I met my now fiancée she had a perm and wore weaves. All I did was to tell her to embrace her natural hair. Our hair grows to all lengths and textures but you have to use good products and take care of it. Your hair is a part of your body and you should treat it well. She thanks me all the time for encourage her to do that. I think all Black women look a lot better with natural hair than without and I like that I see a lot more Black women rocking the natural look. Lastly, if you are raising Black children it’s important to show them what real Black beauty looks like. I can’t tell my daughter to embrace her natural hair but mommy has a blonde wig on.

Awwwww, you’re so sweet!
Re interracial dating, I agree. I want someone who can’t relate to me on that “similar struggle” level. I would look at them sideways too if they came to me with the “all lives matter” quip.

So good of you to encourage your fiancée to embrace natural beauty – while loving her as is. (That’s the sweet part. Lol) My daughter is thankful that I always encouraged her in her natural state too. She’s never had a perm or weave and she’s 22. People always ask her “how long you been natural?” Lol. And don’t believe she’s never had a perm. I did that while wearing perms and weaves myself, protecting her hair and acceptance of self.

Yes because it’s easier to come up with solutions to protect yourself.

lol I had to because it’s all about the overall upgrade. Can’t build without upgrading. She works with children and It’s not by accident that a majority of her female students are wearing fros in school lol. I love it too.

Such a good topic and mixed in with so many social issues. I personally thought I would always marry a black man because that was always who I was attracted to. I found other men attractive, especially white guys growing up but they never looked at me as a love interest so I just throught this is how it would always be.

I dated a Jamaican guy when I was in uni who thought women were there to clean and cook and look after his lazy ass. I didn’t write off Jamaican men but was a bit wary of the ones fresh off the boat. Then I started online dating and noticed it was mostly white men who messaged me.

I was very hesitant because I thought it was them seeing me as exotic rather than just a pretty girl. I even had one say that he prefered black women because we were so strong. We were so strong because black men left and didn’t raise their kids so we had to pick up the slack. When I told him my dad and mom were still together and married he just dismissed this one case. I then dismissed him. I didn’t dismiss all white men though.

Then I moved to Europe and the majority of the men who looked at me as a love interest were white, black men did too though. Actually, it was kind of equal portions, but it was so surprising to me. It just so happens that I have ended up with a white man but I think had I stayed in Canada I would be with a black man. I love men period. Especially the ones that treat me with respect.

Just put some respeck on it and I think we will all be okay, caw caw – Birdman. Sorry I had to get silly because it is 2016 and we are still talking about the same things. Great discussion though!! Imagine what humans could do if we concentrated on things like the environment, can’t discuss relationships when we are all worried about surviving.

I like the insertion of humor, and the stories about not counting the crazy ones out due to race.

Here in America, white men Never approach me! And I’m cool with that. Really. I was caught of guard when I came to London last year and had one follow me and ask me out. And others stare. I get compliments all the time – from men of color so attention in general isn’t a shock.

I say be happy with whomever you choose to love, but it’s still okay to have preferences and choose to date within your own “race.” The vast majority of people on this planet do so anyway.

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I'm a writer daylighting as a banker! I started this blog as a single woman in my 30s, and while it has blossomed to include conversations on spirituality and travel, the basic premise is still relationships. I like exploring love relationships (they're fascinating) and the idea that we take ourselves wherever we go (from relationship to relationship, city to city, country to country, etc.) So self assessment is always necessary for growth. And you know if I'm writing about relationships (romantic and otherwise), topics also include dating, lust, the single life, getting ready to be ready (for whatever kind of relationship you envision), etc.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. If we're doing it right, expansion is ongoing. We never stop. This blog evolves, as I do. But -- I can only write from a woman's perspective, for us, and for those who love us.