This idiocy bleeds over into the hackneyed on-foot combat as well. Yeah, Milo can get out of his car whenever he wants to and he's going to have to do it a lot seeing as how a ton of Wheelman missions are "drive to destination, get out of car, fight dozens of bad guys, get objective, fight back to base." These are the types of mechanics that grate on my nerves. It's not that these tasks were tough; it's that they're so goddamn boring. You start at the alley entrance, crouch behind some boxes and pop up to shoot. When you've cleared all the red dots off your radar, you move forward and suddenly some new dots materialize a ways in front of you. It's your job to just mow down wave after wave of these dudes and it's not hard.

Health's regenerative in Wheelman, Milo's pistol ammunition is unlimited and there are a few secondary weapons he can pick up such as the shotgun and assault rifle. Comically, Milo'll store the secondary weapon on his back, but there's no strap or anything to hold it in place. It's just inexplicably stuck to the small of his back like he's got double-sided tape back there. I guess this shouldn't surprise me because I've seen Milo do a number of flat-out amazing things in this game -- he takes phone calls in his head without holding a phone or owning a Bluetooth; when you tell him to jump out of a moving car, he'll sometimes phase through the seat and just be standing where he was driving a second ago; if you see a car you want in the distance, you hit the button and Milo telepathically stops the car and jogs over to jack it; and he walked away after getting hit by a car, where he got bent in half to the point where his heels touched the back of his head.

When the bad guys get in cars, the action isn't much better. One mission had me facing off against a gang in a circular construction site and I needed to take out the leader in five minutes. However, once the leader and his cronies climbed into their vehicles, they just drove around the site in a circle. It wasn't until the five minutes were up that the bad guys tried to leave the site. Why they felt like they'd toy with Milo for five minutes when they could just take off was beyond me, but I don't think the AI thinks out any of its plans in this game. Keep in mind that you're working for three different gangs in Wheelman so that you can... um... get info on this "device" or whatever. I guess.

Anyway, you're helping one gang kill another gang and then immediately turning around and helping the one gang you just hurt. During the one cutscene where a gang leader called Milo on this fact, the wheelman brushed it off by saying he was just a driver. That satisfied the leader, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works in real life. This one boss who runs a casino didn't even know I was working with the other gangs -- even after I led a lone assault on the casino that killed dozen's of the boss' men. Did he think there was another bald American who runs like he pooped his pants killing people in the streets of Barcelona?

For lots of the missions, you'll be going after a certain car or trying to get away from a group. This means that you're in a match with a handful of other vehicles and you'll need to clean their clocks using your vehicle melee skills as well as the few super-moves you have via the turbo gauge. As you pull off moves like "speeding" and "handbrake turns," a gauge in the bottom left corner will fill with juice; you can use this power to boost or perform two types of trick shots. The first slows down the action, coats the screen in black and white, and puts you in the driver's seat so that you can shoot 180 degrees. Circles appear on the enemy vehicles during these moments so you can pull off some instant explosions and the results can be pretty satisfying.

The second move does everything I just wrote about, except this one spins the vehicle 180 degrees so that you're now face-to-face with the slow-mo enemies coming right at you. This is great for taking out bad guys who you've gotten a bit of a lead on. It usually ends with you whipping the car back to the front and crashing into some obstacle that's popped up in front of you, but it still can be cool... except for the times vehicles exploded before my bullets even got to the gas tanks.

Crrrrrazy taxi. Except not that crazy, fast, or fun.

Problem is you won't get that many leads as the game goes on. For some reason, when you hit your boost, it always seems the enemies hit their's as well. This means you rarely get the chance to get way ahead of the pack and deal out some damage. Hell, in the final missions, you're just SPAMMED with enemies. You'll be on the trail to taking out these gang leaders who are holed up in one vehicle, but whenever you get the slightest chance at popping the boss, three fricking underlings will t-bone you or knock you out of your turn. It's infuriating.

The Verdict

I don't know how I'm going to score a game until I sit down and write the review. After reading the paragraphs preceding this one, it's clear I did not like Wheelman. When Vin Diesel is attached to a project -- whether it be a movie or game -- you expect to have to suspend your disbelief and settle in for some unbelievable shenanigans. Sadly, Wheelman pushes those ideas too far past the point of no return. Sure, the occasional hip check from a sedan is cool, but there's no story to keep you going (Why would the gangs put up with his crap?), the combat is a chore (Oh, another swarm of bad guys to block my path? Fun.), and the game doesn't look that good (Cars are just generic boxes.).

I wanted Wheelman to be a guilty pleasure, like 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, but it's just guilty of being a poor game.