April 2009

April 29, 2009

Ahhh, yesterday, on Tuesday, I picked my girl up from school and we drove south just about 30 minutes to the Skagit Valley. Each year, around this time of year we make the trek to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival. We often visit one particular field called "Tulip Town". They have a face painter which makes it a fine choice for my girl.

The weather was perfect really, slightly overcast but plenty of blue in spite of a few clouds. We spent two hours taking pictures and making a stop in just about every row of glorious color. My girl turns out loves the camera and took perhaps more pictures than me. After 146 shots we had more than a few shots we loved.

I loved so much watching my little one leaping with joy from row to row shouting out "Mama the flowers are so beautiful!" and sharing ideas for her next shot. I wished I had a second camera to take her picture while she was taking pictures but alas I'm still working on making that happen! In the meantime we met all sorts of nice people milling about some of whom wanted to take her picture taking pictures.

My girl had a plan too in taking some of her pictures. She decided she wanted to give her teacher a birthday gift in photos. So we are going to make a few notecards using my girls photos and spread a little Spring her wonderful teacher's way.

So out of 146 photos, we kept about 130. And I know I can't post that many here. I had a hard enough time paring down to a cool 70 to send my family. What can I say, they need to experience Spring in the Northwest and see their grandaughter/niece/cousin tip toe-in through the Tulips on a fine Tuesday afternoon. So for you, a few less than 130 and even 70...Truly a blissful Tuesday afternoon spent in the sunshine with my girl.

And as for Wednesday is for ....., i'll save that post for tomorrow. Suffice it to say, Wednesday is for my hair feels waaay to short after a new haircut. More on that tomorrow. Happy Spring.

April 26, 2009

Let me come right to my first point, I'm no expert on Zen. I've not read much at all to this date. So for now, I'm practicing my Zen and that means working on ways to find peace during those harder moments of the day. I am working on ways to breathe in what is. Go internal and recognize the joy.

What I'm trying to get to is that I've been doing a fare amount of inner observation around those harder moments of marriage. I have made some sort of promise to myself to not write much about my marriage or partner here because well I'd like to protect the innocent as much as possible. But sometimes, that's hard because I like to write about what's on my mind. So as best I can I will write what's on my mind while still trying to protect the innocent. And to protect the innocent, I'm making us birds instead of people. Hope that works for you. No one will ever know.

Like some, not all I'm sure, there are prickly moments in our relationship, days when nothing feels easy. We are human, uh I mean birds and to be sure complex and multi-layered. There are times I have to believe when our chemistry just doesn't jive, when we rub each other wrong. To discuss something as simple as where to plant some new raspberry bushes feels like trying to solve one of the world's crises. And on any other day, a much more heavy decision like deciding to stay home and not look for work feels rhythmic, natural, easy. Note please, there is no blame anywhere here. I feel safe enough opening this spot on marriage because I'm writing about my role in difficult, porcupiney moments. And I'm pretending we're birds.

I feel fairly calm a good part of the time internally. I like to listen to people, hear their point of view and talk. I've not been one to look for conflict throughout most of my life. I don't like to fight or raise my voice. Though I do..in those harder moments. I like calm and peace and everyone to get along. I'm no Pollyanna but I am an optimist and like to look for the good around me. There are people I love in my life who perhaps enjoy conflict more than I and that just makes us different. I tend to sit back from the conflict and just be. And you know now I wonder what's wrong with Pollyanna anyway. Ok, back to the garden and those birds...

The male bird in this scenario well truth is while he likes a good, deep discussion or to tussle over political views or to argue a point through to the end, he's not a 'fighter' and tends to walk away from conflict that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy pushing a button or two to get a rise.

For whatever reason over the last day, feathers between the two respective adult birds around here have been ruffled. I know and I learn that its better for me to let it go when I see and feel behavior I don't necessarily enjoy. What I mean by letting it go is step away ahem fly away. Fly away and head to zen. At least that is what I know I should be doing and what I visualize for myself. I like to picture a peaceful me quietly and diligently building my nest in these harder moments.

But sometimes I may purchase the ticket for zen and somehow end up on the train to nowhere that is anything but peaceful. That happened today. In the garden of all places. I used my most peace-filled, chamomile-induced voice to discuss moving some ummm excuse me crap and junk out of our garden feeling kind of proud for trying to discuss this tender situation calmly. But I knew quickly this was not the morning for this discussion as the other bird here was in no mood. So no matter what I said or how I said it well we were spinning on the point of no return resolving nothing. Rather than remembering to get on that train bound for Zen....I kept pushing and pushing thinking that if I say what I need to say one more time, my point might just find a home in the top hat of the Papa bird. Nope not what happened. And rather than holding on for dear life to what calm I felt, I let my wings flap and flutter wildly and my chirp escalate one note higher and this bird well she found her inner fight. But, there I was flittin and flying in a way I didn't want to be, reminding myself again--girl, you are anywhere but zen.

We birds flew from the garden and headed to the next task. Me, I head to the litter box. I know they're for cats but it was there, I began to find peace while cleaning it out. And so did our kitty for having a nice clean box. I stewed, truth be told and ranted to myself and felt a lot of frustration for once again flying into a brick wall or window when I didn't have to.

Slowly, I got myself out my rant and fight by moving my body. Usually, this does the trick. I'd already worked out this morning early. But I need more so I took a bike ride with my girl in this gorgeous sunshine day and cool breeze and landed at our favorite bookstore. We spent an hour or so looking at books. We mostly borrow books from our library and rarely buy but today i did treat myself to a new book for developing web sites which I was in desperate need of. Yes. I said desperate. And my girl used a little of her bank money to buy the next in the series of fairy books she so loves. After our great bike ride, I came home and dug in the garden and weeded and weeded. Talk about a visual mantra for me today.

I think that its not always easy to get along with a partner bird. it just isn't. At least for me. And when it isn't, I know I need to step back or ahem fly away and let the said bird be. This bird needs to fly on down to Zen town in those moments for some downtime.

I also know that finding my inner fight is ok. Speaking my mind is also ok and healthy. I just know that timing is everything. There are times to keep on chirping and stay in the fight and times to fly away.

And you know after writing about these birds in their garden, I feel like I spread my wings just a little bit more and for now am settled in my nest feelin a little more zen.

April 21, 2009

Meet Sasha. We met Sasha when we moved into our home almost three years ago. We say, she came with the house.

On our moving in, Sasha showed up at the back door and we fed her whatever we had. Cans of sardines, salmon, turkey scraps, all delicious to her. Then in a step of commitment towards becoming full-on pet owners, we started to buy real cat food.

Sasha is a sweet girl, patient to no end, allowing my girl to hold her, rock her, even play drums with her paws(gently, mind you). Sasha likes to be heard and has a rather loud meow, some say its because she's part Siamese. Her previous caregivers told me she has anxiety for being the smallest in her litter. We continued to feed Sasha throughout the Summer and into Fall and winter but never brought her inside until winter really set in that first year in our new place. Looking back, I'm not sure why. I grew up with a cat for a pet along with dogs and fish. The Papa he grew up with no pets. Maybe it was just something about bringing her in that felt like a big commitment. But if it was that, I think now that would have been a rather silly notion since for pete's sake we'd already committed to her just by feeding her. Making sure she was healthy and warm was the next step. So one night during this dance of non-committal, we had friends to dinner, all cat lovers and well after more than a few "awww she's so sweet and awww but its so cold out there.." we brought her in. We knew we were not taking anyone else's cat, she was her own girl, a sweet alley girl and she was sure to find comfort in a bed of old blankets and woven rugs. Next came the kitty litter and bowl, collar and bell, shot updates and check up. Yep, she was family now.

From that winter night just over two years ago, Sasha resides most of the day sprawled on the Papa's office chair or in our bay window soaking up the sun. She runs out to play a couple of time a day and visit her sister who lives across the alley and attend any cat parties that happen around our hood.

Sasha is our family. We love her. My girl, thinks of her as her little sister, always making sure she is well-loved.

Last week, Sasha went out for her usual mid-morning stroll or hunt or coffee for all I know and she didn't come home that day. Or the next. Or the next. It is not actually unusual for her to disappear when we are away and friends come to care for her but with us around, her not coming home was highly unusual. She hadn't mentioned any cat festivals to which she might be attending or camp outs. We called ner name over and over, whistled as we normally do. We walked the alley and up and down other streets in search of our girl. And made a sign. My girl made one too in school. Then out of the blue, I heard her cry, her loud "hey I'm up here". I called and called and then saw a black and white cat on our neighbor's roof. I wasn't sure if the cat I saw was Sasha or her sister. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but Its true. Her face looked different to me. Sasha and her sister actually have very similar markings. This cat looked anxious and that made her face look different...really.I tried to help her down from the roof but couldn't quite reach her. And at that point, I had to run to pick up my girl from school. We came home just as the Papa did. And we heard the cry once more. This time, the Papa who has better eyesight than me confirmed that indeed this cat hopping from rooftop to rooftop was Sasha! The Papa climbed enough to reach her. Relief. Our girl was back.

We loved her and cuddled her and fed her the fanciest of fiests--sardines, turkey, salmon scraps. My girl thinks she got lost and subsequently scared and just wasn't sure how to come home. Our dear house-guest who happened to be visiting during all of this thought maybe she was unsure of having someone new around. The Papa and I think she went out as usual, got scared by something and found her self not necessarily physically stuck on the roof next door but maybe emotionally stuck--ok the Papa said nothing about her being emotionally stuck--that was me!

Anyway, we are so happy she is home. She is genuinely relaxed again, snoozing in her chair, warming herself by the window and chowing on treats delectable to her.

Waiting on Sasha. I didn't panic. I did feel sad and at one point sick thinking something could have happened to her. We waited though and she came home. Waiting sometimes sucks. Waiting with a little worry on top...really sucks. We kept moving though...forward to find her. Taking action can help to melt the worry...a little.

A seven year old I have come to know said something to me so profound this weekend -- a shining gift to me this week. Out of the blue over a snack of sliced apples and cheese, she turned to me and said worrying isn't healthy. I asked her to tell me more. She said "Well, i just don't worry. its not good for you." She said "well, I don't worry because I have a good life and I am safe. She then added "well, sometimes I do worry about the whales that come up on the beach....that makes me sad."

April 16, 2009

I am nearly 100 pages into a new book and I can't seem to put it down at least that's how it was last night when I forced myself to turn off the light at 12:30 am. I'm reading "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan. I'd posted a YouTube link to an essay written by Corrigan called "Transcending: Words on Women and Strength". "The Middle Place" is a beautiful book. Her writing exquisite to me because her voice is relatable, and raw. She is someone I'd like to hang with, hear stories from. She is a writer you can feel. She weaves together stories in the present and past, of herself as daughter and her self as mother and wife.There is more to the core of this book but for now I wanted to share one passage that hits me deep. The Prologue introduces the reader to her father George. Here she describes him in light of what he does for her....

"He told me once I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist, along with creative, a notion he put in my head when I was in grade school and used to make huge, intricate collages from his old magazines. Those early characterizations can become the shimmering self-image we embrace, or the limited, stifling perception we rail against for a lifetime. In my case he sees me as I would like to be seen. I'm not even sure what's true about me since I've chosen to believe his vision."

I love this and believe it to be so true. I sat there in my car reading this again and again while waiting to pick up my girl from school. I called a dear mama friend and read it to her. To give to my girl, that love and belief in who she is what I want to do as a mama. I want to help raise a person who is strong in herself, who loves her self and believes in her capabilities, who is who she knows herself to be and shines from the inside out, who is a giver and contributor to the world around her. I love to see my girl as she is growing older feeling who she is and shining, finding her way day by day and being her own true sassy self. When she doubts herself, I can listen, let her feel that and then remind her what I know. I hope with all of my heart that my girl will continue to see herself as we see her--incredibly loving, a ray of energy and light,funny, an observer and gatherer of details, a singer and dancer and storyteller, strong physically and in her spirit, adventurous, and at time pushing boundaries and whoever else she develops to be

As I read this, I couldn't help but wander who am I based on the early characterizations of my parents. I have incredible parents there is no doubt of that. Their visions helped shape the parts of myself I love most...and least.

For some good ole therapeutic honesty here, as far as how my parents related their visions of me to me, there was a mixed bag. My mother is someone who let's just say never coddled nor beat around the bush when it came to telling me just what she thought--about my hair, weight, clothes--the surface stuff. I don't remember her characterizing my nature...that was my dad's gift. Today my mom is different. She tells me often how much she believes in me, my capabilities and strengths. I guess the early years were more about tough zingers of love.

Looking back, there were days her words could sting. I remember the feeling of shrinking inside myself--thinking well if she's thinking I weigh too much then it must be true. Not easy to work past those visions of self doubt...I still work at it. That voice no matter how old lies deep and while I can hear the voice I don't any longer have to listen to it.

What's amazing I suppose is my dad was the opposite. He was and still is one of the most openly loving, gentle souls I know. Always bolstering me and conveying his upmost belief in who I was from the inside out. He told me I was sweet and loved and kind, and smart. A vision I clung on to.

My Mom I know now is my champion. She is for all of her children. She is fierce, a lioness to be sure. She is not a coddler except with the very young and when we are at our most vulnerable. She is there always unconditionally. Her no nonsense tough love approach helped shape me too to be strong at the core. I know now being a parent we try hard to do our best. We convey love the best way we know how. She did this, her delivery not always easy.

As I evolve still, I am trying to vision my self as I want to be. My true self. This is the transition of now and letting my self swim to the surface and be.

I love this passage for what it stirs for me as the daughter of two incredible people and for how it inspires me as a parent.

April 09, 2009

Here is a random smattering of photos to celebrate a beautiful week. The Papa, my girl and I left last week for sunny peaks of British Columbia to ski and spend some quiet time together. We head for Sun Peaks for three days of ski and relaxing family time. The Papa has been working all kinds of crazy hours and so down time together this last week, his Spring Break was nothing short of delicious. We set off in the rain and two hours into the drive, met up with big snow, hard driving, blowing snow where inches pile up in a matter of minutes. It felt wild actually to be in a snowstorm during the first days of April.

A few hours later, we arrived at Sun Peaks where it continued to snow snowe all day. We arrived late enough in the day that we didn't ski but instead had a great time exploring the small village and getting to know the lay of this sweet land.The Papa scored a great deal on a place to stay basically right on the mountain. For these three days, we cooked, skied, played games, worked on a puzzle, went swimming and watched cable late night,(that was me--something about access to free movies and random TV and vacation and well enough said).

We woke early the next morning after our arrival and hit the slopes. By then the sun was shining. The Papa had to wrap up some work so my girl and I head out first. We skied miles and miles together. She was so proud to ski these long runs a new and exciting challenge from where we usually ski. We called it a day in the early afternoon and decided to hit the hot tub only it was way too hot so we made our own in our bathtub. We sat in a warm tub and just bonded my girl and I talking about our day, and on to sharing about what we are most proud of and what we like most in ourselves I relished this time, no running errands, no racing to make dinner, feeling deep gratitude for the simplicity and beauty of just this time. Also grateful for the Papa getting to relax and still be out skiing enjoying his solo time.

Day two of skiing was even more spectacular. The three of us skied and skied and then met up with a schoolmate of my girl's and her family. Her pal has been skiing for three years and she's five! She inspired my girl to say the least. My girl was so excited to try whatever she tried, skiing some bigger hills through smaller track trails. I was so proud of my little one not for any other reason than witnessing her joy and belief in her own abilities and flying so free. She was rockin her skis and having so much fun--let's say this mama's heart was bursting. This day was pure joy. Sure swimming in the community pool and soothing my muscles in the hot hot tub while the sun set was icing on the cake but most of all joy came from the three of us being together.

We wrapped up our Sun Peaks adventure the next morning with a short hike in the snowy woods.The sun shining strong again, not a cloud in the sky. We explored the snowshoe trails on foot. My girl was playing "junior scientist" a role she loved explaining ice to me and snow melt imagining how the ice came, how thick the snow layer might be. She loved being my scientist guide for our hike through the woods. We were tired by the time we started our drive home and she and I slept half of the way home while the Papa drove.

We are back home now enjoying my girl's Spring Break this week. We have loved so far easy days, not planning a whole lot of anything other than playing with friends and new neighbors, going to the park, dying eggs and just chilling out in the beautiful sunshine of Spring that came to town.

With this sweet time, I have been thinking and feeling a lot of gratitude for having this time to be at home again. I realize more each day that I'm not searching for anything right now. Rather, I am hunkering down in my home state being where I am focused on me as mama, and me as my own self. I just know for right now, home feels right. And for me in this experience, home means being available, centered, focused on these minutes, hours, days raising our girl. My most recent experience with the job I held for the last 3 plus years tugged too much at my mother soul. I think because it didn't fill my heart on its own nor resonate with me down deep. I worked for the important purpose of bringing home a paycheck when the Papa was going to school full-time. I look back and remember how much I wrestled with sitting in the same place everyday in a place I didn't want to be. Being laid off was the kick in the butt I needed to breathe anew and wake up. I'm not at all saying I won't work again or that I don't believe in bringing home a paycheck. I just know that whatever I do to make that happen, I want to be doing something that I want to be doing. Whatever I do, let it be energy filling not draining.

I have been talking about this aloud more and more because I do believe the more we put it all out there, the more possibility we create that which we want. So in the last month, I have found a few freelance gigs as I term them designing websites and coming up organizing an office space. This feels good and scary. Scary in the way that I judge myself harshly to say the least. I question always am I a good enough designer, do I really know what I am doing? Some of that fright pushes me harder to learn more, get better at whatever I do and some of it just needs to be tossed. Feel the fear, push on the through. I know there's a whole lot more to write about this but its late.

So as a new potential web client approached me last week to design a website, I first thought "no" my skills are outdated, I don't know enough. Then internally I said "enough!", say yes!, what are you nuts? And I did. I realize that night how important it is for me to say yes, more, when it is the right thing to do, I have to put myself out there to manifest my visions into being. Sitting by waiting doesn't make things happen. What I know is I caan fill a particular niche with what I know and make people who are not familiar with website design feel more comfortable.

I know for me its practice everyday to wield the balance of being home because I want that and saying yes enough to generate freelance work that is fun and helps pay some bills. Really, I have no idea where any of this will go and I don't think that matters today. I think continuing to be where it feels good is about allowing my self to be guided by intuition--that is home for me. Continuing to build and renew my skills is important And in all of that I will continue to explore within quietly and see where things lead. Dig in to what I'm curious about and see what happens.There is more I want to do with the skills that run deep within me. So each day I am trying to exercise these parts of me more and more.

I had no idea where this post was going when I started to write. Frankly, I thought I'd just post some photos and write more later. But here I am in a verbal spew of sorts in the most positive sense. Here's a post about what's on my mind right now at close to 2:15 am. and that said I better close this now because I've got a date to dye more eggs tomorrow with a pal and 3 sweet little ones. If there's anything that doesn't make sense here, please let's chalk it up to it being really late or really early!

April 01, 2009

I hiked yesterday with a good pal of mine who lives in very close range of the Chuckanut Mountains. The Chuckanuts are just a few minutes from town and offer all sorts of trails for hiking and beach access. My pal and I hiked up an old fire road for several miles. The trail ends at a vista point called "Burnout Point", named apparently for it being an old high school hangout years ago. Now the road is closed to cars. At the top, we could see expansive views of the bay and the San Juan Islands. No pictures of that view as explained below. My friend snapped one on her phone which hopefully will turn out!

The walk starts flat and paces up at a steady incline for an hour or so. As we hiked, we talked and caught up on daily life and soaked in the beauty of the beautiful forest that outlined the trail. The forest is something magical, something right out of "The Hobbit". Lush moss blankets the trees in deep shades of green. The sky above was gray for the entire hike but that just didn't matter; as we were just grateful not to be soaked by rain. When we finished, blue skies...appeared.

I was so happy that I remembered my camera but just as I took it out to snap a few photos of these magnificent trees and the island view I mentioned before, alas...I forgot the batteries. I managed to snap two shots had not enough power to adjust on manual or otherwise. I thought to myself how fun to just snap and see what happens. The first shot was totally underexposed so I tweaked it in photoshop, messed with color balance and hue/saturation. The photo actually feels close to where we hiked at least for me...in the shades of green, damp air, the earth soaked by days of rain, glimmers of light from the sky above

This next shot, a blurry field of green. There is something about it I like, maybe that it feels like a painting to me more than a photo.

I am glad to have spent a few hours in this beautiful space. My muscles felt worked and energized and yes even tired. My mind calm and quiet.

Being in this green good for my soul. The mossy green feels a part of me. A green that stirs my soul. Lush green representing life and new growth, spring emerging. Natures velvet.

We are off for a few days to the Canadian mountains to ski and relax for the Papa's Spring break. Have a great weekend!