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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Junk Mail

I feel the need to break my lengthily silence by bring you an important announcement.

SPAM IS RIDICULOUS.

In some cases, such as a Lovely Monty Python sketch about the canned version of this word, are a wonderful kind of ridiculous that makes me happy.

Junk Email version is not that kind of ridiculous, but a worse more aggravating and time consuming mash of crap.

Now you might already know this, consider yourself lucky, but there are a large, massive group of people who do not know. How do I know they don’t know? SPAM STILL EXISTS! If people knew about SPAM, SPAM would be inefficient and a waste of time and money.

So. I’ll give you a snippet from my email to let you see the kind of SPAM I have and how to tell from the title. Besides, you know the obvious that it’s in my JUNK folder.

1.

Okay, this is pretty easy to spot. One: Are you female? Then you probably don’t give a shit and didn’t sign up for enlargements to your nonexistent cock. Two: If you are male did you sign up for this? If so it wouldn’t go to junk. This rule can be applied to just about every email you’ll see, however in this case you should NEVER BUY YOUR DRUGS ONLINE. For real. That’s just creepy shit.

2.

BREAKING NEWS: I ALREADY DO WORK ON THE INTERWEBS!! Job offers to not come to you titled as such, only scams do. They’ll probably then ask for your credit card. Maybe a mailing address or another professional email to send you updates and information on how you can start your own interweb business! It’s Magic! All you do is point and click!

If you think it’s as easy as opening an email wake up. It’s not. Besides, ask yourself, why are they contacting you? Who are you? Why should/would they care to get you working online? Have you ever considered they’re trying to fuck with your shit!?

3.

Paid surveys might have been a good idea once. You see the ads ‘Stay at Home Mom makes 2000/week by doing surveys!!’ Even if it was true (which it isn’t) they’re not telling you about the 98% of other people who sign up for ‘paid surveys’ and get attacked by other offers until their inbox crashes. Stop. Think. Review. Who the fuck will pay you for your opinion when you can get a million people’s online FOR FREAKING FREE! It’s a marketing scam. An evil one. DO NOT OPEN.

4.

Flags should start going off by the words ‘Social Alert’. What social media platform of ANY kind refers to their alerts as ‘SOCIAL ALERTS’? None! They’ll say ‘Facebook Message’ or ‘Twitter.com’ in the sender’s box. Which could still be SPAM but much more stealthily hidden SPAM. This is just... don’t open it. I really wish when you did the private message read ‘You’re a Tool!” because you are if you do. These are meant to trap you into going to a similar looking website, put in personal information and then lose all privacy you once thought you could never lose. Don’t click anything justDELETE.

5.

Okay this isn’t SPAM, but ended up in Junk because sometimes you need to check and it happens. I am registered with Google Earth (from high school mind you so it’s staying in junk). Think before clicking, Did I ever sign up for this? If you can’t remember it wasn’t important and you don’t need to open the damn mail. This goes the same for:

Maybe I should open that NVIDIA one... but eh. My drivers work, and I do not care about 3D glasses.

6.

OMG this was why I’m writing this. First, it’s brilliant because everyone quoting the insane Charlie Sheen. He’s made of Tiger Blood – did you know? #Winning! But it’s a scam. No one on Sheen’s PR team gives a shit about you or me for that matter. They don’t want you to find ways to stop wasting your time and earn more money. They want you to open your wallet for some tutorial on how to have Tiger Blood and be like a fucking fighter jet while you pay 12.99/minute for advice you can get on Drunk Hulk’s Twitter feed. (Note: It’s awesome, with linky goodness. @DRUNKHULK)

This is my favourite though. First, note the attachment and run away. It’s bad news bears my friends and you do NOT want to get hacked. Also, you will not have won a random string of numbers! Sometimes you will win actual thing but if they’re contacting you with the name ‘=Ms. E.Mail Lottery’ they’re probably planning to sell your credit card number and financial information. This would be a wise moment to back the fuck away from the computer, have a good laugh and promptly give your screen the finger. Yes. Do it. It’ll make you feel better. Annnnnd delete!

The rest is the same old bullshit as seen above. You might also get some email from Peter something or other who really needs your help! He’s in a terrible situation, he has no bank account to put his 12 million dollars and needs you to just give him your account numbers, he’ll put his money there and then withdraw only 10 million on the ‘morrow. You can have the rest for doing him such an honour.

Please note this is when he takes all your money, credit cards and anything else attached to the accounts you’ve sent him. Peter then never responds to your emails and he and his 12 million disappear from your life as your debt racks up halfway across the world.

It sucks, but these people do exist and you need to stop feeding them reasons to annoy me an my Junk Mailbox. If no one fell for this bullshit my junk folder would only be filled with updates I don’t care about instead of penis enlargements and GOOLLLLDD!!