Friday, April 18, 2008

I was peacefully sitting in my mom's basement (No, seriously. I really was) watching ESPN when 1st and 10 came on. Can't wait to see what their hard-hitting analysis is today. Then they dropped the bomb on me. SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME IN BASEBALL!

Now, I don't want to be like super-blogger-dude and attack ESPN and take stances against them just because it's the "cool" thing to do. I don't like ESPN, but I still watch it all the time so what credibility do I have? However, this crosses a line. Not because baseball is America and if you don't like it you support terrorism, but come the fuck on. Why even talk about this? Why lead off with this? Why talk in rhetorical form?

So, after I cleaned up my puke I settled in to listen to what these "experts" had to say on this hard pressing issue that is ripping apart the sanctity of American athletics. Brother vs. brother on the issue of one 22-inning baseball game ruining everything. Horrible, horrible stuff. Today, 1st and 10 was trotting out their A-team of Skip Bayless and two black guys named Stewart or something. Skip gets things started off with suggesting that there be extra outs or some stupid shit like that. I kind of blacked out. I don't remember everything he said. He then goes on to talk about how it's "unfair to the fans" in subjecting them to 22 inning games. Fair? Who's the fucking nihilist here? What are you a bunch of fucking crybabies? Anyone who stayed for that game will talk about how they saw San Diego and Colorado play for 22-innings in April of 2008 until they die. How is that unfair? This isn't Soviet Russia. These people could have left whenever they wanted to. But some didn't and they saw the longest baseball game since 1993. They also got to see who won. Live. In person. Good things come to those who wait.

Next up came one of the black guys. He has the best suggestion I've ever heard. Home. Run. Derby. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. The shootout in hockey is bad enough. Oh wait, we're talking about ESPN here. HATE HOCKEY! NO ONE CARES ABOUT IT! LISTEN TO US! Home run derby? I'm speechless really. I can't even rip this apart. I'm in shock.

Finally, the second black dude serves as the voice of reason. He says why change anything? I stood up and applauded this to which my mom yelled down asking what I was doing. I simply responded with "Blogging, Ma! Send down more sandwiches!" However, after this brief moment of enlightenment, the first black dude accuses the second, far smarter black dude of being "a baseball purist". When did "baseball purist" and "not totally retarded" become the same thing? Better question, when did being labeled a baseball purist become the equivalent of the scarlet letter? He then goes on to elaborate on how this was the 9th longest game in history and it doesn't happen everyday so who really cares? I'll tell you who cares, black man. The world. That's who. ESPN told me so. End this conversation now generic white host from Ohio whose name escapes me.

After all this I settled back down, catching my breath and replaying this incident in my head over and over again. Trying to wrap my mind around what I just witnessed. For a second I thought maybe I had dreamt this whole thing and that there is now way this could all be happening in reality. But before I got too comfortable they went after their second topic. Red Sox-Yankees. Surprise, surprise. But that is another topic altogether. They were talking specifically about how Kyle Farnsworth threw at Manny Ramirez after he hit two home runs. Second black dude, who I once held in high regard, reminds me that he is an employee of ESPN. He accuses Kyle Farnsworth of being on steroids because he is angry. He uses "roid rage" as the reasoning behind this wild accusation. He even goes so far as to start it off with "He wasn't named in the Mitchell Report but..." This has gotten out of hand. Mom, I broke the TV in your basement. I'm sorry. Take it out of my allowance.