THE BOOK EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT - or will be if you go into your local Waterstones, Borders etc and ask loudly where copies of Toddlers: The Mumsnet Guide are, rearrange their display, rifle through a copy and snort with laughter, demand they order copies if it's not in stock, go online and post witty, incisive reviews on Amazon etc, plaster publicity posters around your neighbourhood...

Talk Roundup
6 March 2009

Do you ever feel your children 'misrepresent' your family life at school, asked a slightly irate Portofino, after her DD summed up an educational and fun-packed half-term by telling her teacher that she "went to Burger Quick for chicken nuggets". Compo dreaded to think what her son reported: "He probably just says 'mummy was very cross and shouty and drank a lot of wine'." Marthasmama's son returned from Disneyland and informed everyone that "Mummy had a big fight with Mickey Mouse and then she kicked Donald Duck and threw him in the lake". Libra's son's weekly news book contained the immortal line "Mummy swore at Daddy and he had a knife in his hand" and MollieO's son drew his teacher a lovely picture of the caravan holiday he'd been on: "Not that I have anything against caravan holidays, but we had been to Barbados." While Mrsgboring's toddler sighed: "I only know the video shop and home. I've never been anywhere else."

Discussions took a confessional turn as we described things we did as children that would have terrified our parents. Mumsnetters' memories largely seemed to revolve around idyllic hay barns, although QOD "played INSIDE the little fenced-off DANGER OF DEATH area with the electricity pylon thingy in it!" noting: "It was all tidy and nice with lovely stones." "I rode a horse bareback for a dare," boasted sassy, "I didn't know the horse or its owner." Mrsmaidamess reminisced about finding indecent magazines on a local building site: "You just don't find porno mags blowing around the place like you used to, do you?" Rhubarb agreed this was a loss: "Sometimes pages of naked women would just blow into our garden!"

A new ingredient in childhood obesity emerged this week, when seeker realised she had sent her son off to school with a bag of Marmite sandwiches made with vanilla butter cream instead of butter: "Do I make him some more and drop them off, or do I hope that he thinks it's a new type of Marmite?" "You can always say that it is a Mumsnet recipe," suggested georgiemum, while nickschick quipped: "You either love it or you hate it!" Seeker was pleased to report that the sandwiches went down surprisingly well, with her son reporting that his lunch was: "Really nice - was it different bread?"

Has anyone ever seen a 'monster'? asked uber-sceptic FindItHardToBelieve: "The reason I ask is my husband. He is a very cynical person, very quick to dismiss things. He told me a few times that when he was small he saw a monster." Wabbit terrified us all with tales of her twin brothers being chased across fields by a 'demon with glowing eyes and black fur': "We always wondered if it was a gross misinterpretation of a badger." Fossa frequents talkboards specialising in supernatural chat, but warns: "I do NOT recommend reading the Fortean Times message board late at night, after a cheese sandwich." "I think children have a different grasp on reality," reassured EachPeachPearMum. "My DH is certain he could fly when he was a child - he is sure he can remember doing it in the park." "I also have extremely clear memories of flying as a child," confessed hereidrawtheline, although admitted it couldn't be possible: "Surely my Mother would have mentioned it at some point?" Or maybe she was too busy sweeping up the porn mags.

MORNINGPAPER XXX

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