brisbanetimes.com.au urban affairs reporter and blogger

Is the eldest child likely to have a more successful love life down the track? Photo: Getty

I’m first-born. My husband is too. I’ve had relationships with men who weren’t number one kid. They didn’t go so well. Was the different order of birth a decisive factor in that negative outcome? Or did it play a part, at least? And if that was the case, is there anything that can be done to overcome this unfair, uncontrollable bias?

I’m about to bring you the results from a new study commissioned by dating website Plenty Of Fish. The group sought information from 7.6 million singles in the US and Canada and, upon exploration of the data set, decided those born first stand a better chance of landing a loving, long-term relationship than their siblings. Only children were also less lucky in love.

That sounds like good news for me, bad news for everyone not in my shoes. It also sounds trite - considering the vast ‘other’ category would have significant profit potential for a business based on partnering potential. Is there any truth to the matter?

Studies have shown birth order plays a significant role in shaping our character. Some describe it as the result of the Darwinian struggle for survival from the moment we’re born. Others suggest we can’t help but grow into preconceived notions of our familial ‘roles’. First-borns are supposed to lead their siblings, middle children are supposed to play peacemaker, and the baby is meant to be adored by everyone, yet never taken seriously. Only children are lonely, or resourceful at best.

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A study on the subject that achieved pop-culture cut-through was published in the journal Human Nature in 2003 and authored by evolutionary psychologist Dr Catherine Salmon. From surveying 245 undergraduate university students, Salmon found those who were ‘middleborn’ gravitated more towards people outside their kin group than within. They expressed more positive views toward friends than their family, and they were less inclined to help family in need.

This is interesting enough but when she explored mating strategies, she found that these also appeared to be influenced by birth order, most notably in the area of infidelity. Her research found middleborns were the least likely to cheat on a sexual partner. Eighty per cent said they never strayed, compared with 65 per cent of firstborns, and 53 per cent of lastborns. So does that mean good marriages are more likely for those born between two people?

Apparently. Yet we all know household arrangements are hardly routine. There are adoptive families, foster families, blended families, separated families, estranged families - families who have secret members, families who have disabled members, families who comprise just one; an orphan.

This has always been the case but there’s a greater awareness and acceptance of diversity today. Does that impact the influence of birth order? Certainly, an older child raised as an only child may not fit the ‘first-born’ mould? And what about gender - is that a mitigating factor? I know middle children who are also the only female child in the brood. Their personality traits may be more like those of an only child than a middle child because they are so apparently different from the others. So how do you figure that, science?

“I know myself I’ve only had successful relationships with people who were the youngest children,” one of my mates says. “My previous relationship was with a first-born. They were too bossy, too demanding, and too easily exasperated. In some ways, we fell into an annoying pattern where I’d expect him to take charge, and he’d expect me to be the baby. I don’t know if it was just our personalities being mismatched, or whether our birth order really did impact our personalities to the extent we were never going to be happy, or whether it actually had nothing to do with it,” she said.

“But the stats, I suppose, speak for themselves. I’m happily married now, and we are both the youngest kid.”

It’s extraordinary to think in this age of self-direction and independent governance something as pivotal as our personal relationships could be governed by circumstances so beyond our control. Geography gets in the way, for example. As one of my single friends says, “there’s no cock-blocker quite like continental concealment - you might just be the perfect man for me, but if I can’t see you over there on the other side of the world, how will we ever have our ‘happily ever after’?”

Fair point. With so much of it all up to chance, is there any point in worrying about those influential factors beyond our control? Of course not. There’s a point to being conscious of, but not hung up on, all those seemingly insurmountable things. If only to find solace in the fact that when it comes to achieving love and sex success, the best thing you can do is but try.

31 comments

I am the eldest of five; however, most people assume that I am the third. I am not as verbose as my siblings and usually fade into the background at social functions as an observer and not necessarily a participant. In the relationship department, I am the most stable. Is it about birth order? I seriously doubt it.

Commenter

All Heart

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 6:27AM

In a word, yes.Older siblings are adept at putting the boot into younger siblings, which has a great ability to influence their trust in others.

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Cold heart

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 9:28AM

I am the eldest of four--and I am superb at being an observer, not necessarily a participant. I'm quite certain this arises from being the one 'in charge' of my younger siblings from the time I first had a younger sibling at age 3. I was taught that I had to 'keep an eye on things' and not get too carried away with whatever the others were doing. Looking at photos of me as a child, this is quite obvious, this 'observer rather than participant' thing. Was it overdone in my family? Quite possibly. Is this merely personality traits that have been, perhaps, over-developed? Perhaps. It has been a useful, helpful ability in many instances, helping me learn to make decisions and benefit from knowing how to observe. But was I put in this role because I was the eldest? Absolutely, without a doubt.

Commenter

lgrsydney

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 11:59AM

I am the youngest of 6 (always a princess in the family until my nieces came along) but the 5th acts like the 4th and the 4th is the eldest girl of 6 whom I love deeply. The 1, 2, and third are all boys but we are all equally competitive and independent. The first boys and first girl in the our family do have successful relationship and family so maybe you can add that to your statistics. As the youngest of them all, I've no interest in relationship or marriage, de facto or otherwise - love my space, my independence, etc. If you restrict the definition for relationship as simply being married to / with someone else, then perhaps the statistic is skewed. Relationship has a more broader context.

Commenter

Youngestgirl

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 4:12PM

statistically a fair few studies have been done into the sequence of been born, typically gender gets thrown into the mix as well, not only related to relationships but life in general, for parents to have an awareness of this is important as so to ensure all kids are treated equally irrespective.i'm the first born on my father's side and the second born on my mother's side, i don't believe it's made any difference whatsoever as my parents always worked very hard at ensuring we were not given any birthing order privileges.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 6:34AM

'i don't believe it's made any difference whatsoever...'

Something makes me suspect your older sibling secretly feels he/she has done better than you, and is probably right to feel that way.

Commenter

rudy

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 10:04AM

it's not about privileges.

Commenter

lgrsydney

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 12:02PM

@rudy, suspect away, I guess it depends what measure you choose to use, since you didn’t provide the criteria I’ll used some of your own post as a guideline.I’m significantly higher educated, 6 years worth.Have accumulated net wealth, between 10-50x his, guestimate.My net monthly income is about 5x his, guestimate.We’re both divorced and in similar length current relationships.We each have 2 kids, all doing well, his, one almost a judge, the other tafe equivalent, mine both busy with double degrees of which the eldest is planning to do a masters next year. He’s a 1.7m I’m 1.9m tall, overall I hit the physical gene jackpot.Any other criteria you want to provide?

@Igrsydney, I guess it depends from culture to culture, both my parent are first born, they both had privileges/obligations mainly towards their parents and a bit towards the siblings. But yes obligations is probably the correct descriptor.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 12:35PM

Yes, more interesting, less conservative and less smug.

Commenter

rudy

Date and time

July 04, 2014, 2:21PM

@rudy, i'll concede to less smug, but hey, i have plenty to be smug about.