BEATS ENTROPY CREEPY SCALE

August 5, 2007

My friends and I like to play a game called Creepy touch…well I like to play it, my friends sort of endure it. The goal of this game is to transgress against the common boundaries of decency and personal space until they shudder and cringe away. Through this game, and years of intensive study, I have acquired a profound understanding of the fundaments of creepiness. Out of love and spite for you, my Children’s, I bring forth my knowledge that you might sup of it.

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BEATS ENTROPY CREEPY SCALE

0- Eating a delicious piece of toast at your kitchen table

1- Eating a delicious piece of toast in the bathtub while talking to someone on the phone

2- Comb over’s.

3- Ex’s who suddenly become good friends with your friends after you break up.

5– That jar of pickled eggs they have at sketchy bars… that people won’t even sit near unless the place is really busy.

6- Silently mouthing the words of the magazine you are reading.

7- That unexpected moist warmth when you (unknowingly) sit on a couch a fat/sweaty person recently vacated.

8- Adult men under 5’5 [2].

9- Guy’s who hold the back of their girlfriends neck when they walk with their arm around her.

10- Two male friends wearing the exact same outfit [3]

11- Listless petting zoo animal with an oozing eye infection.

12- Some dude repeatedly (and oh so lightly like it’s a gentle little accident you will laugh about later in bed) brushing his thigh against yours while sitting beside you on the bus [4].

13- Individuals who’s first and last name are almost the same…ala John Johnson, or Stuart Stewart (since any parent who’d engage in such crushing banality would almost certainly have molested their children as well).

14- That old guy (in ball bearing 70’s athletic shorts) that I see jogging every day, with his inexplicable pale saggy legs…even though he jogs everyday, so they must be getting a lot of sun!

15- Walking by an abandoned car full of “sleeping” children, on a fine and sunny July afternoon.

16- Hare lipped people making out.

17- Your newly divorced (and drunken) uncle telling you what a bouncy young women you’ve become…maybe asks you take a drive with him down to the old camp ground; go swimming and play ookie hugs.

18- Licking your cracked and puss bleeding cold sore with while attempting smouldering eye contact with a sexy lady on the bus (letting her know that all this could be hers if she played he cards right)

19– The cafeteria at a rundown old folks home [5].

20- Making smouldering eye contact with sexy lady on the bus while licking her cracked and puss bleeding cold sore (letting her know that she’s played her cards right and that all that is your’s).

[4] A lot of creepy shit happens on the bus. I once (early New Years day) accidentally exposed myself for the better part of a half hour on the #118 Kanata.

[5] To Fully appreciate how creepy this you need to look past the obvious display of crippled and despairing death reminders, and focus on the sounds that emanates from them during feeding time: a sort of slurping, mewling dyspeptic smush… like a weeping and broken slug being dragged to the gallows.

“and focus on the sounds that emanates from them during feeding time: a sort of slurping, mewling dyspeptic smush… like a weeping and broken slug being dragged to the gallows”

note: That is the most accurate translation of esoteric internal sensation I’ve ever managed. Upon rereading, however, I’m struck by the pathos of that rope towed slug…sadly mumbling his innocence to the grave.