Fed Up

I am so fed up of being like this. I don't know when the next episode will be coming from. I am so tired of fighting it.

I am pretty stable at the moment. In that I am not overly low and I am not hyper. In this more stable state I can see things more clearly and it has made me realise that I don't want to live. I can't see any way out of this. I have been in therapy with Sam a while now and doesn't seem to get me anywhere. If anything it makes me worse as I think I make mountains out of molehills and turn things in to issues that weren't issues before. Like the thing that happened when I was 15. I have never really thought about it that much but talking about it in therapy made it in to this big elephant.

So, I have decided I am going to do it. I will wait until the end of July but I will do it then. The reason then is because I will be on my own. I will have plenty of time to plan a method. Which wont be overdosing, I can't take pills. I took 8 paracetamol this morning, the ones with codeine in just to get a decent dose of codeine and I have felt really sick all day. I didn't take it as an overdose or as a self harm but to get some decent pain relief. It has left me feeling really sick all day so I know that is not one I will be trying. I can't face the being sick side of it. I panick when I am being sick and if I did OD then I would end up getting help.

But anyway. I have made up my mind about this. I am not sure how I will approach it but i have a few weeks to think about it yet anyway.

Hey Goldenpsych, You don't have to do this.. There are plenty of us in the same boat but coning here to the forum helps.. I gave up on myself along time ago but found out I like to try and help others so they can relate what I have been thru.. Have you tried any support groups.. They help alot of people.. As for me I couldn't handle it.. I felt like everyone was attacking me when they asked me questions... I have socialphobia..Please don't harm yourself... Maybe coming here and helping others is what you need also.. I hope you keep the faith and don't harm yourself!!! Take Care..

I am not in pain at the moment. It's just that I can't cope with not knowing what is going to happen. The ups and downs. I don't know when they will hit me and they are quite frequent. The downs more than anything. I can't cope with the cycles.

The meds don't work and I don't really have reason to be in therapy. I can't see what good it's doing. I don't have any issues that most people don't have. It's not as though I have got anything that I need to work out.

I understand how you feel - all too well. I barely make plans because I don't know what I'll be feeling a week next Wednesday. Like you I just came off some meds - they 'worked' if you like sleeping for 17 hours and then having to stay awake for a day to tune back in. Suppose I was less depressed - with 17 bloody hours sleep, who would not be?

Might as well just go in for some medicated coma - get induced, wake up a year later, and report that last year was OK - never felt depressed in the least.

But, I'll try something new. I'm only taking one at a time and not stacking up these medications like you see with some people. That said, what works for you works - that is the trouble Golden Psych, today's medicines are hit and miss - but with some many its good odds we get a hit somewhere.

Anyhow, I get angry at myself sometimes - like you I think "I'm hardly any different from others and better off than most". Thing is - that's just bullshit of the highest ilk - your too intelligent to believe that your state of mind is not as bad as others.

Trust me, nobody starts setting in place plans and methods when they just feel a 'little under the weather'. You know its more than that - its depression, perhaps a dab of clinical depression - which is how it goes if you have it a few years.

You do not need a therapist to tell you that your inclination to plan your demise means your mental health is at a low ebb. As for controlling the ups and downs, I guess routine helps a lot. Sometimes routine can cause it though - but for most people a routine of sorts creates order which in turn creates a better life for us - a better home also.

I've had ups and downs for over 20 years or more. Never took medicines or even went to the doctors in that time.

One thing I do know - many people are helped by meds - there is no doubting the basic science of how this happens - but neurology is a science that is coming on leaps and bounds and the culmination of this research backed up by a myriad of specialists who work in the background.

What keeps me going is simple really. Sure, like you I feel sometimes like it would be a good idea to die. But I choose to live because I'm not letting this thing screw with my life anymore than it has to.

Also, I know there are a lot of younger people out there struggling with depression and so on - I want them to know the this thing is not the end of the world. Sometimes the 'ups' are the times we connect to things or people which create some kind of order.

You might find someone who loves you also.

Stranger things have happened, have they not?

Good luck and God bless - hope you can make alternative plans that involve staying around and helping others.

There have been times when I have been so burned out with everything that I just wanted to throw up my hands and say 'good night'...The downs are so scary to wait for...I have decided that I was causing myself so much distress fearing them...but it is nature to do so...I hope the downs are less and that you continue to use the support system you have developed...J