I am going to share something personal, with the hope that some of you who have had similar experiences will understand you are not alone.

I, like many other people, have episodes of Existential Depression. Some call it psychic pain. Sometimes events trigger an episode and other times it is spontaneous. About the time I started blogging, I thought I had it beat, but I didn’t. It came roaring back in February.

I first encountered existential depression was when I was about five years old. Kristi, a Kindergarten classmate, and I were sitting on a grassy knoll overlooking a stream that cascaded down a rocky embankment into the Red River of the North, feeding each other kernels of popcorn while we planned our lives together, promising we would marry and have a family. A few days later her father died alone in a single vehicle accident on a remote rural highway. When I realized her father was never coming back, I walked back to the knoll where Kristi and I had made our promises. I looked at the stream, and I saw something caught in the rocks… the empty bag of popcorn we had shared… I picked it up, held it in my 5-year-old hand, and sobbed as I thought… when we shared this popcorn… Kristi’s father was still alive… and now the bag is empty… gone forever… like the moment on the knoll… like Kristi’s dad… what’s the point if everything ends up empty.

Another episode happened a few years later in grade school, when a teacher taught me the importance of protecting the environment for future generations. About the same time, I was obsessed with Astronomy and my father took me to the local university astronomy club where I learned about the life cycle of stars. When I discovered that our sun will one day become a Red Giant and engulf the entire earth, I thought… what’s the point in saving the planet if it’s just going be incinerated anyway? It’s just a matter of time. What difference does it make if it’s next year, or billion years? The outcome is still the same.

The latest episode was spontaneous starting in March with an abstract thought I had about passing time that I can’t justify with words, but I can give you an idea…

We never actually experience the present, by the time it has registered in our minds, it is the past, and since we cannot relive the past, we can’t possibly live in the present. It isn’t even happening right now; it happened a millisecond ago, so we are constantly losing it, and everything we think we know is really only a memory in our imagination. It was a feeling that we are constantly falling away from everything in our lives, and even our hopes for the future are gone as soon as we reach them, so what’s the point? We are constantly losing everything because as we move through time we can cling to nothing, and our experience of it may be pure imagination.

I hope that didn’t sound too weird. And, no, I don’t do drugs.

It’s been easier to work around this in the last few years, because I know what it is and that it will eventually end. When I was younger, it was different, I’d lash out at people, separate, and isolate. Today it isn’t as acute.

An event based episode occurred in 2005…

In early August of 2005, I read an article on Yahoo News about Sonette Ehlers the inventor of the RAPEX condom and it was the beginning of a massive downward spiral.

I won’t go into details about the device, except to say it is meant to prevent rape and identify the attacker.

I agree with Sonette and her advocacy of this device, but I had to question why…

Why did Sonette, a South African woman, invent this device? What drove her to dedicate so much time to developing this product?

That’s when I discovered the rape epidemic in South Africa… and I couldn’t understand it. Some surveys indicated that 20% of the men in South Africa had raped a woman.

So I dug deeper, and I discovered stories of farm murders, genocide, and indescribable atrocities. I immersed myself in the history of the region – Apartheid, Racism, Tribalism, Colonialism, Genocide, Boer War Concentration Camps, etc. I read The Covenant – 2000 pages by James Michener , so I could better understand this insanity. I had to make sense of all this hate and violence. Why? Why? Why?

Then Katrina hit…

And I slid into a long existential depression…functional…but…crushing.

Many of these bouts begin with anger – a righteous indignation over some horrible injustice. Since the anger is futile and targeted at things I cannot control, the anger turns inward and becomes depression.

I knew I couldn’t change history or end the crime epidemic in South Africa. I knew I couldn’t change the fact that Katrina wiped out New Orleans and dozens of other cities. But I couldn’t deal with the unfairness of this all. I couldn’t understand how my life… my family’s life… my neighbors lives… could be so good… unaffected by these tragedies. I felt tremendous guilt for having it so good, while people were being raped, burned, and drowned. Life seemed meaningless in the face of injustice.

When I try to share my thoughts with someone else, and they recoil in horror, wanting nothing to do with it, it drives the depression even deeper. All my life I’ve gotten responses like… “Why do you think about that shit? Please Stop.” or… “Quit being all philosophical and pass me a beer.”

Eventually I get past an episode, and I don’t know how, except it’s a bit like grieving, I just have to give it time. Today, I try to avoid the news because it is a potential trigger.

I realize almost everyone feels bad for victims of violence and disaster, and I’m not saying that I feel worse than anyone else. I’m just saying that I have repeated this cycle since I was five years old and I haven’t found a way to end it. I’ve dug myself into deep emotional holes over things I can’t control.

Why sit around vomiting over South Africa? I can’t fix it. The people that live there can’t fix it… they would if they could, and I pray they find a way.

Maybe if I just accept who I am – both the positive and the negative – and that these cycles will be part of my existence – it will help. I’ve discovered that if I focus directly on my pain (both emotional and physical), instead of trying to avoid it or deny it, it doesn’t hurt as bad and I recover quicker.

I am quite lucky because my episodes are mildly debilitating. Unlike many others, I can get out of bed, show up to work, and get things done. In fact when I am in a depressed state I can be a much better problem solver… or problem identifier…or opportunity catcher…whatever you want to call spotting negative shit. But depression kills my positivity and it will show in my posts… from time to time.

125 Responses

Wow,, well I can’t say I have any empathy but i understand.
i know i don’t know you but if there is anything i can do from VIA ways please ask!
I would love to help!
infact i was slightly depressed but nothing i couldn’t talk my self out of but i did stumble on a web site that was very inlightlening!
check it out
coping.org
text based site!
great for soul searching too lots of questions!

I think anger and depression are correct responses to such horrific events and facts of life.

I too suffer from these episodes which either result in anger, depression or often manic laughter (i have no idea why, everything just seems ridiculous all of a sudden, when you put into the grand perspective of the universe and all of time).

I think the only way to deal with it is to occupy yourself with other things. Since i got a more challenging job as a programmer they are far less frequent. You could say I’m busying myself with irrelevant things in order to stop myself thinking about the bigger picture, this is true, but it’s easier and happier… it’s just finding the damn off switch that can be a problem.

I appreciate it might not work for everyone, but we’re all in the same boat, no-one is perfectly sane, we’re all just trying to get as close to it as we can.

Steve, I don’t think your post is in any way, irrational. I think everyone has had similar reactions to things in their life.

I’ve had emotional meltdowns, too. I has a spontaneous crying breakdown three years ago when I read a webpage detailing the story behind Elton John’s “Empty Garden.” My wife was a week from the birth of our second child, and I had just been terminated from a great job and my benefits cut. Were they related? Maybe. I still had the breakdown.

When I was 10, a wonderful family friend died. I prayed to God for hours that I would have died instead of him. It seemed perfectly natural to me to do this. Whether I was influenced by some movie or something I had read or whatever, I still did it.

To glorify the past (at least, the parts were remembering) is human. And it sells big time, too. The nostalgia industry in America is huge.

It takes time to accept things. I like your idea of acceptance, and I hope you’ve talked this over with your wife before you blogged this. She will understand you’ll need to say it four or five times before you believe she’s hearing you, even though she’ll say she is. That’s what happened to me. Then, you’ll have some peace.

Steve, you are not alone in this. I am the same way. I can’t watch the news – it is too depressing. When Katrina happened, I ended up watching, and was depressed for weeks afterward. I also am afraid a lot. Even if my life is fine, I am aware of the many people who have horrible lives, as you described, and I wonder what prevents those horrible things from happening to me. I try not to think this way too much, but as you say, sometimes you can’t stop.

Sometimes people say that if you are feeling bad, you should think of all the people who are worse off than you. I think this is a stupid idea. Why would it make me feel better that people are worse off than me? It makes me feel a hell of a lot worse.

I think people like us are just overly sensitive and just have to learn to live with it. I do feel that people’s traits tend to balance out – a bad trait and a good trait will be flip sides of each other. So I think there is probably a good side to this over-sensitivity, and the bad side is the price we have to pay for it. I don’t think I would change myself. Good luck, and I hope you continue to find your way out of the depressions.

Steve – we share some common ground here as well… I often have “existential moments” where all of a sudden I realize how little certain things really matter in the grand scheme of existence.

Like you, this questioning started at a very young age: I remember talking with my father about suicide (i.e “what’s the point of living?”), which really freaked him out. I’m not sure what lead up to the discussion: I wasn’t contemplating the act so much as thinking through things on a more philosophical level. It’s really tough to pull yourself out of the downward mental spiral brought on by considering issues like these.

I’ve recently been doing a lot of reading and study on Buddhism, which is a philosophy I’ve previously not considered at great length. Once you get past some of the superficial exotic cultural / quasi-religious aspects, the whole system of thought is really a deep examination of the existential problem, how we can recognize it, and how we can act in such a way that it ceases to bear down on us.

If life is pervasive dissatisfaction / suffering (“dukka”) and that suffering is caused by attempting to grasp hold of things that are essentially transient, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to recognize the truth and cultivate a true mindfulness of the present moment and work to rid ourselves of habitual attachments to impermanent things. That practice frees us to do the best work we can in the world, free of the weight of existential depression.

I’m still studying this, but I find the philosophy extremely interesting and promising. For a good introduction, check out “The Monk and the Philosopher” by Matthieu Ricard and Jean-Francois Revel.

I’ve had the same issues for decades now. For me it’s truly a chemical imbalance – but it does a good job of fooling me – again and again. I would focus on a negative theme or issue for a certain period of time and then a new theme would enter my mind and I would feel a burst of persistent optimism. Ended up to be more tied to a clock than the real world. Is the glass half empty or half full? It will always be both.

Here are some of my very convincing negative issues over the years:

The conclusivity of inference – the real truth can never be completely proven – how can you really believe in anything? What is the foundation of thinking the past will repeat itself based on inferred rules? Inference feels like a lie.

Nihilism – in the greatest sense of truth values are are subjective. You can never prove a value is worthwhile. You are left with nihilism.

People can be fooled and tricked into being evil – you can never really trust anyone, because under the right circumstances anyone will turn on you.

On the “happy flip side” I would wake up one morning being overwhelmed by thoughts of:

The reality we believe to be true is for that time reality for us. It is real. And this is perfectly suitable. You can only believe what you do in fact believe.

The defeat of nihilism – we are ingrained with genetically evolved characteristics that make us care about our happiness and the happiness of others. Re-enter ethics and morality. We are literally wired that way.

People are all looking for the truth – those deceived can be shown the truth and trusted and loved.

——-

Both sides of the same coin…. both caused by ping-ponging chemistry. People usually stabilize. Those that dwell on “higher issues” and are stuck being unhappy or happy usually have their thermostats broken. Their points are valid, but their reasons for dwelling come from the inside and when they are existential – often out of their easy control.

I can relate to this. You might find some consolation in the writings of Epictetus (start with the “manual” aka “enchiridion”). In short–try to understand the distinction between things within your power and things that are not, and don’t concern yourself with the latter.

I think there’s something to this, although it’s difficult to discern what is truly beyond our control.

Empathy. It’s a bitch. But I actually find this passage of yours heartening. Take a look at the other side of the coin you present here.

“We never actually experience the present, by the time it has registered in our minds, it is the past, and since we cannot relive the past, we can’t possibly live in the present. It isn’t even happening right now; it happened a millisecond ago, so we are constantly losing it, and everything we think we know is really only a memory in our imagination. It was a feeling that we are constantly falling away from everything in our lives, and even our hopes for the future are gone as soon as we reach them, so what’s the point? We are constantly losing everything because as we move through time we can cling to nothing, and our experience of it may be pure imagination.”

Yes. Probably is imagination. And I will echo the previous comment by Josh. In the Buddhism I practiced for many years the council was, “Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy and [polish your spiritual life] no matter what.”

Richard Bach, the author of “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”, had an excellent analogy in one of his books (can´t remember which one, sorry). If you fly with your plane into a fog bank, you can loose yourself completely to worrying about that 747 you had on your radar 300 miles away, entering that same fog and maybe crash. OR Try to get a grip on to your own situation and do your best to keep you from that fate. “No man is an island” – i know – so become an example to others “to care the best you are able to about that one square meter surrounding you”

by the way ^^
…despite the mundane cover art, “Hardcore Zen” by Brad Warner is a nice short read about Buddhism.

Maybe emotions are like leaves and we grow and shed them when we go through different stages or seasons. In which case, there is no right or wrong, there are just maples, oaks, pines…

Nonetheless, if you find it’s too much, a great therapist can talk things over with you and help you find acceptance and understanding of yourself, the world, whatever else is out there beyond the world – or at least your feelings and views on it.

My depression is usually triggered by realizing that I’m alone in my body. A sort of solipsism creeps over me and I start questioning the foundation of consciousness. Why are we self-reflective? What’s the point? Once I die, my experience ends. And so on.

The other experience that was jarring was how to think of my brain. Do I even have a ‘self’? Isn’t it just billions of neurons acting for their own good? That made me feel that we don’t really have a freedom of choice.

I’ve come to understand that the people who suffer these episodes are almost solely intelligent people, and that perhaps it is just a curse for being able to ponder such imponderables. It’s not that other people can’t really fathom what it’s like until they experience one; I believe that most people aren’t able to.

Thank you for this post. We’re not alone, and we’re intelligent enough to reason through it. An old saying –

First you realize that nothing matters.
Then you realize that even that doesn’t matter.

I could totally relate to your experience….even I had a similar one, and lot of my friends made “fun” of it….later they started getting scared about it. One even went to the extent of suggesting that I should check with a psychiatrist.

But, sometime in that stage, when I was extremely unstable…I stumbled upon ‘zen practice’. Initially I used to ignore such things as “spiritual stuff” …..this time I just wanted to see what they were doing.

The practice is exactly the same thing which you described ..”accepting pleasure and pain without any resistance”….that is the only way to eliminate “suffering” …it is their theory.

We cannot avoid pain in life….trying to avoid that is our ignorance…that is why most people suffer and they are caught up in mental distress…rather we should cultivate inner strength and knowledge to face with equanimity.

Well, you’re off to a good start if you want to practice buddhism. People do stupid stuff, suffering sucks. If we’d stop to take a serious look at life we might see it differently and be able to develop compassion, kindness and other nice things (Samsara, dukkha, shamatha/vipasyana).

Here’s a zinger that hit me while I was walking through the town I lived in ten years ago or so.

We only see things in a pretty narrow spectrum of visible light because our eyes are evolved that way. It doesn’t reflect — no pun intended — the reality of what is in front of us. If an alien came to see the same thing, he might see it just as different densities of mass for example. I tried to imagine that in my mind’s eye and it is all dark, every surface or shape is unrepairably matt black all the same. Even the people are just isolated matt black ellipsoids moving around meaninglessly on a matt black street. This laptop’s screen shows nothing to such an eye only the dark uniform surface of it. The black sky is open to the black space except for maybe a black cloud. The imagination took the edge of a terrible hopeless vision, like some Poe story talking about going a step too far and I was dogged by it for some weeks, studying peoples’ faces while they talked and seeing how it was with eyes that did not use light.

But at that time I was going through a break-up that involved my two daughters. I think all of these preoccupations need to be looked at closely to unpick what is attractive about them that they soak up so much brain time, and once understood it takes the edge off them.

I can’t say I’ve been exactly where you’re coming from Steve, but I used to be quite depressed in a very similar way. It was never debilitating, partly because for a while I was medicated, but mostly because I found a method of escapism. You are an extremely intelligent person and – regrettably – intelligence punishes itself.

You have to force yourself to filter your thoughts and find a method of escapism. The best way to achieve the former is to abolish any existential or depressive thought from your mind as soon as it enters. For escapism, find a few books on meditation. The mind is a muscle and you can train it just as you can train your body for marathon running or lap swimming.

It sounds like a lot relates to anger relating to things you can only do so much about. I go through the same things. It’s had a lot to do with why I’ve developed the life philosophy I have. Occasional trials of St John’s Wort can help. As was said earlier, there is a chemical element involved, even if you don’t have clinical depression. They say Abe Lincoln was depressed much of his life.

Buddhism does have a lot to teach. I’ve never been able to embrace it completely because a lot of it seems the result of the Buddha’s personal history. Rich, never seeing pain or death. Then when he does see it he goes on a personal search for meaning and, deciding there is none, that all is suffering, and the cure is to get off the ride. I don’t think so.

There is suffering. There is pain. There is also joy. As you say, in the grasping we turn it to pain also. I would that it were as easy to live without grasping as it is to talk about it.

I would just like to share the fact that I’ve gone through a virtually identical experience.

Most of my time in high school and in college was consumed by the question, “What is the purpose of life?” and questing for the answer.

Religion did not hold the answer.

I finally realized that the question, as phrased, cannot be answered. To assume that all life on this planet shares 1 single dominant over-arching purpose is a fallacy. Is it logical to pretend that a human being and a petri dish of bacteria share the same purpose in life?

If you accept that the answer is No, then the next step becomes clear. It becomes equally ridiculous to assume that all human beings must share the same purpose.

The correct parsing, therefore, is “What is MY purpose in life?”

And since this is something that each of us must answer for himself or herself, to his or her own satisfaction, then that means: the answer to the question was within you all along. You just needed to elucidate it.

I offer this story to everyone who has sought The Meaning Of Life and come away from the search empty-handed and depressed. You have been casting the net too wide, and instead of catching any fish, you’ve been trying to lift out the entire ocean.

They haven’t been crippling, but I’ve had a few existential funks in my life. Like some other people I know, they first started around the beginning of university. Maybe it’s the curriculum that brings it on.

They usually last a few weeks. I find directly addressing the issue by reading about it (e.g., about existential philosophies) makes it go away. It’s like your mind was curious about the issue and dwelled on it until you satiated it… On the other hand, trying to deny the feelings keeps them going.

I don’t know if it is chemical or not. I beginning to think I am supposed to be negative sometimes and that I should quit worrying about it. As long as one is functional, and takes care of resposibilities, is not suicidal, what is the problem?

I find the whole problem of existence the most fascinating problem of all… or should I call it an opportunity? Unfortunately sometimes it depresses me. There I go again, maybe it isn’t unfortunate at all. Maybe it is a golden opportunity.

Thanks for sharing this with your readers. I can only imagine how this feels, as I really haven’t experienced the depression associated with some of your realizations. I do understand how all our experiences are based on our limited perceptions, be it our senses or even our awareness of time – but that’s all we have to go on. But we are aware of these limitations even though we can’t experience life without them, so maybe there is a part of use that HAS experienced it at some point – and that’s how we can be aware of it.

One similar experience that I had recently while waiting at a stop light was the awareness that, ultimately, I am completely alone. There is no one else in my head with me, and everything and everyone out side of myself is experienced through a faulty lens and as such doesn’t really exist. It was almost a suffocating feeling. But the light changed, life went on, and I managed to distract myself with the day’s activities to get by. Even thinking about it now, I don’t feel the same panic that I did at the time.

Well, I don’t claim to have the answers, but your postings seem to be a good outlet for yourself. Maybe through exchanges of ideas with others we can find the coping mechanism that works for ourselves.

I think a lot more people suffer with this stuff than you think, but most of society isn’t receptive and people suffer silently. On top of the social stigma, I don’t think there are any real answers, so we stop asking and close up. Good luck.

I’ve been there too. And, as others have noted, the trick is to enjoy things while they last, and to move on when they’re gone. The sun will eat the earth in a billion years, but I’ll keep enjoying it in the mean time.

“I offer this story to everyone who has sought The Meaning Of Life and come away from the search empty-handed and depressed. You have been casting the net too wide, and instead of catching any fish, you’ve been trying to lift out the entire ocean. ”

so very very well said. That’s really quotable. Thank you.

and yes I am dealing with my own existential depression and struggle to see a purpose or point to a finite life. I am coming to find my own purpose, and to appreciate life to a greater degree BECAUSE it is so limited and precious…but, it is still difficult to deal with.

Don’t worry, eventually you’ll be dead and nothing you ever did will matter. Even the kings and emperors will testify to this truth. All the existential bullshit that you perceived in your mind will be replaced by other bullshit that you can’t conceive about issues that don’t exist. All issues you worry about will eventually cease to exist. Time will go on, people will live, they will eventually all die. Given enough time the universe will cease to exist and perhaps be reborn to do its thing again.

In the moment, in your lovers arms, in your grandfather’s eyes, all of our misery melts away and you can see that there really isn’t that much that is that meaningful other than a moment. That all of our worries are mere drops in the ocean of existential nihilism, that our truth is much scarier than our imagined fictions. The flowers bloom and then die, they disappear — having performed their purpose in driving the engine of life. It’s simply a dance, a performance, in the scheme of things a movement, with no real purpose other than its form, that’s its truth.

Our truth is different, of a perceived nature, of an imagined meaning, for the real meaning is evident from the fact that all things are born to die, that death is the only logical conclusion to birth. Chaos may be the constructive force of change. If something is killed, something new will replace it, that energy is never wasted and the transformation brings change — the change that it brings can be interpreted as good or bad but that’s not its purpose; its purpose is to change. I could keep dwelling, but the point is this, your worrying is illogical and not well founded because the nature of the universe the biggest tragedy — that all life dies, that all relationships fail, that everything you do can be wiped out in a single moment or over centuries. All we have is the moment, and we are free to create our own meaning in it as we so choose — it’s ours; it belongs to us. The universe does not weep for its morality is to change, at the cost of destruction.

This sounds a lot like what I went through when I was 10. For the duration of about a year, I would lie wide awake in bed drenched in a sweaty panic, both my body and mind tossing and turning as it fiddled with the concept of infinity; an everlasting life after death and where mine would be spent, and how meaningless everything in this life was when “in the end everybody dies”. This went on every night for maybe, I’d say, 3 hours on average, and continued mildly in my mind during the day at school and at home until one day I hit a wall and resolved the whole matter with “I may fall asleep and wake again an infinite amount of times, but in waking there is the comfort of finding sleep again someday, and in sleeping the comfort of waking”.

In actuality, it was never that refined and I only put the concept into words just now, but since then I’ve been a deeply philosophical person and at once an optimist, a cynic, and apathetic. And as for everyone’s individual interpretations of life (as people seem to be so dead sure about them) – they’re all right and wrong. Life is everything/nothing/something/anything/prefix-thing. It just sucks that you’re still consumed in this inescapable thought problem.

Something that helps to know is that while there are a lot of fucked up situations there are also opportunities everywhere to make fun of them. In other words, it helps a great deal not to take everything so seriously.

On another note, I’d recommend picking up a reefer or some stamps or maybe some shrooms and seeing if you get anywhere with these. Just make sure these troubling thoughts aren’t a symptom of latent mental instability – if so, disregard the preceding sentence.

you’d would probably believe the place I was in – I’m on the other side now where the sun shines, I smile a lot and I’ve never been this consistently happy, ‘level’ and confident in my ability to handle what life throws at me, ever.

Wanna know what it was?!

It was ‘the Secret’ – lol. Honestly though, it was NLP and especially Richard Bandler’s videos, mp3s and various books. NLP provides a tool box of things to do when an episode or pre-cursor to an episode arised. Firstly, the tools I learnt were coping mechanisms, the further tools I’ve since learnt have improved my quality of life beyond anything I could have imagined possible when I was at the lowest points.
All I did was talk/write about my depression or try to ignore it for many many years – NLP gave me practical and quick to learn things to do, that work in a VERY short period of time (2 or 3 minutes in some cases). I changed the negative feelings from a major incident in my past that regularily affected me (to something that I now smile at) in 2 minutes flat – I needed convincing NLP worked (I’m a born cynic and had tried pretty much everything) and it was that first time, that proved it’s worth and practicality. I’ve since used the same technique for many other incidents as they arise in my mind or create feelings in my body and, metaphorically speaking, it feels like I’ve taken the shackles off and can now breath and move with freedom.

I hope this ‘leads the horse to water’ – try it, buy a book or get the videos, or both!

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical doctor, psychiatrist, spiritual guru, or any other sort of significant person. Also this is far too long, I wouldn’t recommend reading it (at) all.

First and foremost, having read through the comments – there seems to be a general consensus (or at least nobody has bothered to reject it) that finding an escape is the proper method of dealing with your problem(s). Be it learning how to shut out your thoughts and feelings, becoming a programmer, attaining a new skill, perhaps finding a way to stabilize a chemical imbalance, or any other form of seeking distraction. Most people can shut themselves down, and ignore their problems – existential or otherwise. The ones who can’t ignore them and can’t find the strength or reconciliation to cope become mentally and emotionally crippled. Even the best of us break down at times when we can no longer avoid the issues.

I don’t think that escapism is a good solution. It seems to imply that by slapping a smile on we can become happy. Smiling isn’t happiness, just superficial. One can find about as much pseudo-happiness in crack. Which is why I find it ironic that many people also recommend turning to Buddhism, Zen, or the unmentioned Tao (personal favorite ) One of the tenants of these practices is becoming aware, and facing our fears and desires. Personally I wouldn’t suggest becoming a Buddhist of any sort, but I would suggest trying some of their practices such as the “Metta bhavana”, I think it’s possible gain all the information you can from the teachings of Buddhism from other places (read some Aesop’s Fables or something), but some things you can only gain from within yourself, which Buddhism helps with, however I personally wouldn’t start having faith that I’m going to be reincarnated a billion times over, nor would I recommend ascribing to any other religion (like you care what I think ;D ). Y’know what they say “Religion is the sign of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people.” ‘They’ being Karl Marx, but whatever.

Of course ‘existential dread’ (I’m pretty sure that’s the term we’ve been aiming at) is a problem that isn’t easily dealt with. The conclusion that usually pops up first is “There isn’t any meaning to anything so why bother.” (Question mark excluded purposefully) – the good ol’ ‘glass is half empty’ routine. Some say “Find meaning for yourself and that’s all that matters”, but it often seems flawed – at least to me – in that once you start looking at a bigger picture (that you’re a part of) which appears to have no meaning, you find your personal meaning destroyed by a larger meaninglessness, and end up at zero again (e.g. “our sun will one day become a Red Giant and engulf the entire earth, I thought… what’s the point in saving the planet if it’s just going be incinerated anyway?”). For being such incredibly intelligent beings we sure do jump to a lot of conclusions. I don’t know why we can’t just say the glass has 155 ml of water in it, presume for one second that we do not in fact know whether things are meaningful/less, and enjoy a good fart joke (they always get me ).

Unfortunately, I know it’s not that simple. I suffer horribly from this, and despite my easy answer, I realize it’s not so. I see all the suffering in the world and I live (in contrast) in absolute luxury (a trailer), and wonder where the justice in the world is. I find I tend to hold myself somehow accountable for the atrocities in the world. Hearing about events such as Darfur (to name one of many) always hurts me deeply. So, I think to myself ‘as long as I can make wherever I am a little better and a little happier, then it’s worth it.’, and I guess that’s good enough.

A penultimate note – a number of people seemed to like this quote > “I offer this story to everyone who has sought The Meaning Of Life and come away from the search empty-handed and depressed. You have been casting the net too wide, and instead of catching any fish, you’ve been trying to lift out the entire ocean. ” It seems like it’s saying ‘forget seeing the forest through the trees, the trees are all that matter’, which I can appreciate, but I find my answer to be more along the lines of “screw the boat, the net, and the fish, just jump in and swim around”

I can’t believe that none of the comments has mentioned activism. I believe it was Joanna Macy who said that despair is a sane reaction to an insane world. Despair is what calls us to action. It is not a sickness or something to “beat” with drugs or distraction. It shows us what we’re made of, reveals our humanity. In this day and age, we’re expected to be mindless consumers and not human beings. But despair can bring us back to life.

Trying to escape the world or descending into nihilism is just ignoring our humanity. Until we are actively engaged in work that seeks to make a difference, the despair will be overwhelming. It might be something as simple as truly loving our families and friends, or it might be full-on activist campaigning. It might be spiritual, or political, or vocational, or some combination of the three. It might be the way we live our daily lives, or it might be a grand quest we choose to pursue.

Someone mentioned trying to make their own corner of the world a little better, and that’s a good start. But those of us who have the capacity to see the horrors of the world also have the responsibility to work toward the end of those horrors, if only for the sake of our own sanity. Beautifying our little corner is not enough, because we see the horrors outside of our small sphere — that’s why we feel despair. Maybe we can’t end the genocide in Darfur, but we can open our eyes to the subtle genocide of poverty, and work to end that (not with charity, but through dealing with the structural causes of poverty). Or work on some other issue that calls us, that speaks to our humanity.

It’s taken me a long time to realize I can’t change everything, but I hold my despair at bay by constantly pushing the boundaries of my activism. How can I be of service to the world? How can I be of service to humanity? When I feel depressed at the state of the world, I can look at my own actions, and look at the actions of others, and know that the horrors will not go on forever, because there are people all over the world who are working in their own ways for the betterment of humanity. I can sleep at night because I know that I have done my best to ease the suffering of others, and I know that my work is part of a much larger global movement for justice and equality.

Yes, the world is eventually going to end. But until that day, we can make life better for all the world’s inhabitants. I would rather die in a global community than ina global concentration camp, and I would rather live fighting for a dream than in the depths of nihilist apathy. But everyone has their own choice to make. Choose wisely.

Wow! Well maybe I’m missing something here, but isn’t Steve just experiencing the emotions that any intelligent, reasonably sympathetic human being does? Everyone gets depressed about stuff from time to time. It’s normal.

I don’t know if many intelligent, reasonably sympathetic humans experience these thoughts. I’ve asked people and most of them look frightened when I ask them. Some attack you or ridicule you. You should see some of the hate mail I got on this one. Most of it calling me a pussy and to quit sniveling like a baby. There is much hostility directed at people who want talk about anything except the most trivial things or the material things. If in fact, what I have posted here, is fundamental to the human experience, why don’t more people talk about it?

I knew the attacks would happen and that was a major reason why I made the post – because in our society it is taboo to talk about these subjects. A freind who works in the medical industry, told me half the patients she sees are on anti-depressants, and she isn’t in mental health, she is a dentist. So I must ask… if 50% of the population is walking around medicated… why the taboo about talking about depression?

Why is it, impolite? What is it about our culture that punishes honesty in this area. What is the underlying fear? Strike at the root of it!

Hi
I have been working with Depression for 38 years.
There are two aspects about treating depression. How do we cure it? How do we prevent it?
They are not the same. No matter how we may cure depression this will not prevent depression.
Why is it so important to prevent depression?
Depression reoccurs. People who have the tendency to be depressed suffer from a permanent poor quality of life.
I no longer believe that Medications to be a panacea. They may cure depression. They do not increase quality of life.
But this begs a very serious question. When is someone depressed and not merely very sad? When do we cure? When do we prevent?
As a rule of thumb we can use functioning. If sadness is such that there is an objective limitation of functioning then we should address the problem as ’curing depression’.
If a person is sad but is not suffering a limitation in functioning then we should address the problem as ‘preventing depression’.
VNS, ECT, and Medications cure depression. They do not really prevent it.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT, prevents it.
It really is as simple as that.
If you want a fuller insight into how CBT works, or how CBT can be offered online please refer to my free Online site http://www.myRay.com
If you wish to understand more about: Thoughts, feelings, emotions, moods, depression, what it means, what re your choices and how to choose please refer to my free online site http://www.MyDoctorExplains.com
Both sites, http://myRay.com and http://MyDoctorExplains.com are non commercial and free.
Use them as often and as long as you so wish.
With kindest regards.
Dr. Michael Benjamin,
Psychiatrist

I can’t say I suffer from depression and don’t want to minimize your plight or take anything away from it, but it just never occurs to me to be truly depressed. I might get down and out over personal and social events in life, but nothing that is prolonged or I can’t overcome. My disposition by nature is optimistic. I wish I knew why.

I remember once reading a article by Carl Sagan, The Pale Blue Dot, that helped me put the grand scheme of life in perspective. I’ve added the link in the comment header from finding it on google.

In any event, It has always helped me process human events. I have empathy for others who suffer, but I don’t in any way feel compelled to save the world. All I can do is my little bit.

I feel we are all products of our creations and the circumstances we find ourselves experiencing are the results of choices made by our larger selves who have a great desire to experience the broad scope of human conditions and emotions.

Perhaps on a deeper level, we as humans cannot process the level of suffering we see in the world, but will ultimately understand the reasons why such experiences are nurturing from another perspective when we eventually return to the spiritual world.

Hi Steve, that was a very heartfelt post. I too have gone down the spiral of what’s the use. I think it just happens sometime. If you follow the great teachers they all say it’s temporary.

Rather than deny what I’m feeling, I am learning to work through the feeling, then go for life. So the sun is going to envelope the earth one day, I’m going for life now. It gave me a new perspective on my moments and my time.

You ask why we punish honesty in this area. We’re afraid of thinking about it too much because we’ll be taken down the rabbit hole. Speaking from the experience of numbing myself with foods to avoid my feelings, I would have to say that facing them is rather scary and opening up the can of worms to even admit that that depth of sadness could exist is extremely difficult to face.

It requires courage to write about this. You did it. Like you, I too hear a lot of this, “Why do you think about that shit? Please Stop.” or… “Quit being all philosophical and pass me a beer.” But now it doesn’t bother me. I don’t fight my thoughts anymore. I just accept. It reminds me that I am a human and I care. But just thinking and talking about it takes me into a spiral. To avoid it, best is to act on it. I try to do something that will help in reducing the cause/effects of such issues.

RISE is right. With all that is happening around us these days, how can one notice all this and not feel terrible. What’s the value of a fool’s paradise? What i feel is – it’s better to err on the side of caring too much than caring too little.

I suppose one can harden oneself – but there is true value in empathy, in keeping perspective on the whole issue and understanding how we are even unwittingly contributing to the misery around us. I know that sort of realization can often really get us down. I remember how upset I was when I saw Pocahontas when I was ten. I was shattered on discovering the irreversible brutalities that had been wreaked upon an entire race and culture, destroying a way of life which can never be reclaimed now. When the US first invaded Iraq in 2003, I couldn’t believe that a liberal democracy had operated on such a flimsy pretext. We could anticipate what would be the result of that piece of madness, what a piece of hell that land would become for all concerned. I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it had actually been done, I lost interest in everything that I had cared about for a while, I lost out on a lot academically. The future of man was not turning out the way we had envisioned at all. For all the progress we had made, such was the mentality of raw greed and power that it may as well be the first, not the twenty-first century.

Those were dark places and there have been worse places ever since as the times have continued to deteriorate. There was a line in Dr. Zhivago – these are terrible times to be alive. The same applies now. When there is so much suffering all around us, do we really have any right to be completely happy for any length of time. I don’t know. I just don’t want to be one of those frustrating people who say “switch the channel” or “pass the beer”. There’s a saying of the Prophet Mohammad’s that no one who has a good night’s sleep while his neighbour remains hungry is a true muslim. These days that technology has transformed far off events into the status of tragedies close to home in terms of knowledge and information, I believe that applies more than ever.

I think anger and depression are correct responses to such horrific events and facts of life.Unfortunately it takes a long time to accept these types of things.
But you are not alone in your depression as long as you have your friends and family beside you to empathize with you.

Wow, thanks for writing that. I go through very long bouts of existential depression.
When I was a kid I used to lie in bed and try to understand what it would feel like to be nothing, guess that was pretty stupid, but logical for a kid.
I also function pretty fine on a practical level when the depression hits but just don’t handle social situations very well in these times, piss off a lot of people by talking about things that people generally don’t care about.
I had the luck to meet one other person a while ago who was going through the same thing and it made a world of difference. I was getting sort of sick of meeting people who were atheist, but weren’t bothered by it. I couldn’t understand how there could be meaning in a world where existance was so fleeting. Everyone would just tell me ‘you just have to enjoy the moment Mariya, enjoy now, what other choice do you have anyway.’
I couldn’t agree with them and it made me feel worse that they said that. I realised months later the only way to get through it is to block it out, we constantly do the same with many other aspects of our lives (as you’ve pointed out with the hypocrisy of our social situations in relation to world ethical dilemmas). It seems like a cowards way out, but my friend made me feel better when I found out he does the same thing, and now I know so do many other people with the same spiritual views. It’s a sad truth.

Anyway I just wanted to say that whenever I feel really really depressed in this manner I read ‘Fear and Trembling’ by Kierkegaard. I think faith is an amazing thing, and I wish I believed in some higher power, I think fear and trembling gets that idea down pat

I think you’re brave for posting, I can’t see myself being so open about my thoughts. I feel ok giving personal examples in this case because I can remain anonymous

When I found out that people ultimately die I remember crying and feeling helpless. The old ‘what’s the point of it all then’ idea troubled me when I was five.
During our first dissection prac (med school) I felt depressed seeing the cadavers, as I was once again reminded of the certainty of death.

Also, no matter how close we get to others we essentially go through life alone. No one will truly know who we are, what we feel and all of our thoughts for example.

Do we even have free will? If our actions are determined by a combination of our genes and environment, which is in turn influenced by other people’s genes and environment then perhaps we don’t. I probably don’t make much sense.

Sometimes I cry thinking about how unfair life is and how it will never be fair. I feel selfish for living the way I do when there are people starving to death. Today I walked past some ‘end poverty now’ volunteers while eating my lunch and it made me feel horrible. If we really cared about others we would donate all our luxuries and live on the very basics. However, even if I did that it would hardly make a difference in the big picture.

I’m still relatively young at 18, don’t even know if my experiences are associated with existential depression. When I feel sad about these issues I try to focus on the positives, or just hit the gym lol.

I’m glad I found your blog and I’m sorry that you actually received hate mail for posting! I guess some people have nothing better to do than wasting their time sending messages of hate.

Steve,
I also have had these thoughts, feelings and questions – thats how I found this article. I googled it. It helps to know that people feel the same way. Maybe this is just the way you transition and grow as a person. By re-evaluating the big picture. I dunno, there has to be a reason for everything…you may not see it now but if you take action like your doing, I think it will get you somewhere.

Almost my whole life existential thoughts have plagued me, sometimes I can’t do anything but sit in the dark and get through it. I’m no different than anyone else, I just have a harder time ignoring those questions so many people love to shun.

The pains you talk of – the pains of those in the news, the ones who are raped, beaten, and hurt in so many ways – are no longer an issue for me. It took a while but I realized somthing, that pain that is so bad is the same pain as everything else in the world. Its all relative. An example (for I doubt that made any sense) is this: When my car was broken into I felt a sense of loss, almost personal, and that feeling of loss is the same for when anything else in life is, will, or might be stolen from me. Maybe just muted…

Suggested reading Eckehert Tolle The Power of Now and The New Earth. If you haven’t heard from Oprah’s t.v. show yet, I’d be surprised. I’ve been doing the online class and have read both books. It’s really helped me.

Funny- I was planning to reply with a few words about how much Buddhism helped me with that kind of depression. It seems I am not alone in that!
I am Christian now, but wouldn’t want to lose the insights I gained by practicing Buddhism. The Buddhist masters (especially Tibetan, in my view) seem almost contemporary in the way they address our concerns and have a remarkable ability to cross cultures.

I don’t think existential depression can be cured or recovered from – why would you want to, even? Life is so much richer when you have existential depression.

Interestingly, most fields of clinical “treatment” of depression would very much treat existential depression as just about another usual, stress-triggered response – while this could be the cause for going into existentialist thought, it is not necessarily the normalisation we need or require. Rather, the integration, or understanding of this difference is what will help us cope with existential depression – minds once broadened cannot regain their original dimensions, can they?

Unreason – it is the operating procedure of the existentially-depressed. Perhaps the anti-psychiatry movement and Third Force in psychology of the 1960s brought to our awareness such a depression – one that is different from the status quo of the usual-depressed. Perhaps we are depressed more for the world than for ourselves.

The issue is how debilitating is it for you? There is some usefulness for it, if you use it to fuel positive change. However, to allow yourself to drown in the collective pain is purposeless. I tend to believe it only adds to the problem. I think it is a call for looking deeper into our purpose.

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i feel exactly the same….the aloneness…the weird stares you get when you try to discuss with people…the initial angry reaction when they do not understand….then sliding into depression when you find out the meaninglessness of it all…sometimes you dont want to wake up because everything’s meaningless….how to find truth when everything’s relative and meaningless..the scary ideas that keep popping in your head….thank you so much for posting this steve….you are helping many people by this….thank you thank you!

I can easily relate to your post, experiences, views and reactions to the world. I would suggest reading ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ by Viktor Frankl. It has helped me gain some knowledge and feel a little better with the situation… it gave me some traction out of the void.

Wow, what a tremendous help to find your post and so many other people who understand as well! I can relate!!! All the experiences you’ve described make so much sense to me, and I often find myself thinking about these kinds of concepts. I think a lot of us who are like this have very random/abstract ways of perceiving and thinking…our minds expand and run wild, taking us to places that no one around us can dream of. In other words, we’re all thinking of things in deep and far off ways, so each of us has our mental journeys that are are vastly different from anyone else’s, yet we can–to some degree–follow another’s train of thought if we’re invited along.

I often feel so alone, and lately I”ve been feeling very sad about it. I have lots of friends and there are lots of people (and animals) that I love…but I’ve yet to find someone who can identify with the way I tend to think so deeply about things. How I would love to find others who also think this way and can understand–just making a connection on that level with another human being would help so much. My husband seems to think I’m just a nut, saying that I “think too much,” or “analyze everything too much,” etc, like there’s something wrong with me. But I am who I am, and that’s a big part of me! I’m tired of friends/family telling me that I shouldn’t think/feel the way I do–it’s very invalidating!!!–seems to me that the ones who react by freaking out or invalidating me simply just do not understand…they aren’t capable of thinking in such deep, abstract concepts, so maybe they feel threatened by what they don’t understand. Sometimes it just gets so lonely to be this way…

It’s funny, regarding “existence,” as far as I’m concerned I already know the meaning of my life, in a general sense. I’m a Christian, and I know deep in my soul that I’m here as sort-of a “practice” session to learn how to love God, and prepare to spend all eternity with Him when it’s time for me to go. So I know why I’m here; I just often feel that I’d like to just go to Heaven now and be DONE with this place. I’m not suicidal by any means, but I would not have a problem with dying any time now. Ah, well, here’s my depression coming into play…

I just wrote this last night on a “survivors of emotional abuse” forum, and it is pretty descriptive of how I’ve been feeling lately:

————————————————————————————
“I have been feeling devastatingly SAD lately, very depressed, and I definitely notice the difference in my current self-dialogue vs. my normal self-talk. Lately, I’m starting to wonder if anyone else will ever really understand me, and I’m starting to think to myself that maybe I’m just clueless about how to relate to other people. I’m absolutely terrible with knowing who I can and can’t trust, as far as opening my heart up to others. I’m tired of being too trusting of others and the heartache that often comes with it. I’m so sick and tired of being misunderstood, as well!!!!

I didn’t choose this for my temperment–but I’m deep thinker, very inquisitive and curious, and I really seek knowledge and insight on any matter that interests me. As a “highly sensitive person,” I feel what I’m feeling and thinking very deeply…some feelings are great, of course, though many feelings are sad and painful. It’s often a good thing do be highly sensitive, but can be a challenge to be higly sensitive in a non-sensitive world. It’s just who I am, and lately I’ve been trying to understand this characteristic and also find others who can relate.

Sensing and noticing many things that most people around me aren’t aware of is something that often makes me feel isolated and alone–sometimes I feel really sad about that unwanted solitude. Sometimes we all just long for a human connection with other people who genuinely understand us, and when we don’t find it…it can get devastatingly lonely. Nowadays I’m in the pit of a devastating human loneliness! I hate it.

I like myself, and if I was someone else who knew me, I’d also like me. But I’ve recognized lately that it is, in many ways, difficult and often lonely to BE me. Make sense? Does anyone else feel that way?

My parents started migrating to Florida for the winters a few years ago, and this year I have not seen them since before Christmas 2007; they are to come back to CT in the next week or two. Never before have I been missing my mom so much…sometimes I think she’s the only person on this earth who understands me, really KNOWS me. She probably IS, actually, since my best friend went to Heaven 6 years ago…(boy do I miss her, too) Anyway, I guess I’m just rambling here, I just needed to type and get some things out of my head tonight. I hope tommorow will be a better day. Maybe I’ll go get some chocolate somewhere in the morning. I’d rather get fatter than be feeling so sad.”

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So, I’m feeling very encouraged to see there are others here who understand the kinds of things I’ve been going through and struggling with!!!!!

I skimmed through the rest of these comments and found myself sighing a little at all of the recommended solutions. Sometimes, I think anyone who offers a “solution” to existential depression must not really have experienced it. The ache of isolation, the persistence of futility, the awareness of meaninglessness–these are not things I see many people considering, even for a moment.

I just wanted to say that I relate to your words. I’ve never written a post to a blog before. But, when I was seven years old, I was fascinated with astronomy, too. I was in third grade, and we saw a video with some really cool (for the time) graphics. And it was about what will happen when our sun goes supernova. That’s the first time I remember having these thoughts. The other kids in my class went out to play for recess, having a great time on the swingset. I was paralyzed thinking about the idea that my descendants would one day be incinerated by the very thing that kept me alive. I couldn’t understand why we should bother with anything if it’s all going to end someday anyway. I still don’t understand. I wish I could stop trying to understand, but I don’t know how.

Just wanted to reiterate that you’re not alone, even though we all feel alone so much.

Yes, I have come to realize now that what was thought to be “depression” for me is actually an “existential depression and chronic anxiety disorder. I noted a link atop this site and blog of for “meaning of Life” and it links to some religious stuff. I myself am very much an atheist and philosophically and politically, religion of any sort turns me off strongly. This site has a similare name: You might like to check it out……..http://users.aristotle.net/~diogenes/meaning1.htm

I’ve come up with some ways of making it manageable though- my first bout was when I was 6 or 7, I remember being so upset with not knowing what was going to happen after I died and if I was going to die why have even lived especially if there was no afterlife and this is all we have… needless to say that got met with a few trips to the shrink. I also used to get overwhelmed looking at parking lots- I knew how big my life seemed, and to think that each person that drove a car there had just as much life, and there had to be at least one life per car if not more, and then figure in all those people that don’t drive and… it’s dizzying.

Flash forward and now I’m a shrink in training. The things that have really helped me include Buddhism, rediscovering the good things my Catholic upbringing gave me, humor, wit, art, being creative, trying to do meaningful work, being mindful, trying to do the maximum I can do to bring about the changes in the world that I would like to see, appreciating what I have and taking stock, realizing that I should only feel guilty about my gifts if I take them for granted, Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, etc etc

I’ve gotten to the point where I see life as both serious and silly, reasonable and chaotic. While exploring life I notice little artifacts in what people create that they have maybe felt the same way too, like a message in a bottle from someone else stranded on the sea of existence. This would be one of them. It really sucks that we can never truly share ourselves with others, but it is a problem that all people have, and it’s a kind of bitter beauty that in our shortcomings we are all united.

dude i get you………i was diagnosed with the disease depression since last september……..it was kinda a really really bad panic attack breakdown thing that got me there, because 1 thought……..whats the point of living at all? and i just got and still get frightened every night about it, until i was looking up if meditation helps depression, when i stumbled upon existential depression, and then i figured out that my depression had a name. so i typed in and found this, i can relate to you, except before that panic attack i accepted all those thoughts of death and the world and now it scares me to hell. yeah i watch a lot of news, but i think ill cut that out, cause its always bad news anyway. idk though we all must go on to find our point in this pointless life……..dont worry be happy.

As a person who struggled with this issue for a very long time I want to say it is possible to find your way out. It can be validating to hear others express that they too have had or are having the same experience. However, if we simply stay in that place where we just keep saying “yeah I feel the same way” we do not proceed to the next level. Change happens when we become more uncomfortable in the situation than with change itself. If you’re ready to move on out of this way of life, look to the posts and others who have found a way out. Research is pretty clear that those who have hope are more resilient. Just talking about issues, ruminating and obsessing over all that is wrong in the world only perpetuates the problem. If you want to make a difference start with changing yourself, your mind. If all the individuals who read your blog started working on changing their perception of this world, things would truly improve. Stop, watching the news all the time, look for material that is uplifting. Why would we purposely look at something that causes us pain. It is not about ignoring the tragedies in the world. If watching all theses horrible things in the world don’t make you want to DO SOMETHING then stop watching. My husband was in Iraq for 18 months, he is now serving in Afghanastan. I do not listen to the news and can not stay focused on what might happen or even what is happening over there, I would loose my sanity. I have three children who need me. When he returns we deal with his experience but feeling hopeless about the situation there and his being in the military is absolutely useless. I accept what is, what I change I change, what I cannot I have to let go. Start giving of yourself. I do think that starting small does have a ripple effect. If we focus too big, it becomes overwhelming. Some people have the energy and resources to go big. If you don’t… go local, just do something.
My purpose here is not to convince anyone of a religion or anything else. I just want to give someone hope and knowledge, that there is a way out of this condition, a self-imposed hell, I like to call it.

Those who experience existential depression are the people with the intelligence and courage to see reality and our place in it clearly, without all the soft focus filters humans have devised since the beginning to protect their psyches from the horror of eventual non existence and the meaninglessness of our existence in the grand scope of the universe.

It is an experience of truth so profound that our minds cannot grasp it properly and we fall into depression which, to my mind, is a totally normal and healthy reaction given the circumstances.

Jojo’s comment (above) is correct. Most people are emotionally myopic; they focus on the immediate without investigating deeper waters. One consequence of having an intelligent and curious mind is that, eventually, many the answers that satisfy most people will come to seem either incorect, insubstantial, or absurd. The actual philosophy of existentialism consists of the belief that life has no inherent meaning and, as a result, individuals have a personal responsibility to define meaning for themselves. Some would consider this bleak. I consider it freeing. Many societal values are in fact absurd, by which I mean they cut against the grain of human nature.

Have you ever thought about picking up a few books on evolutionary psychology, such as the Moral Animal by Robert Wright? One of the interesting notions of evolutionary psychology (though not a central tenant) is that we have created societies that are in many respects unhumanisitc. In other words, society reflects how we want to be and not how we are. Those who are aware of this fact, like a professor I had in law school who lashed out against the reasoanble man theory (that man is basically good and all defendants are judged against what such a reasonably good man would do in a similar situation) are considered pariahs, but are often correct. It has always been individuals who have carried the colors of our species, who have made the breakthroughs, who have lived most authentically.

If you’re an authentic person living in an absurd, inauthentic world (consider the ideal of “inalienable rights” and the reality of them, or the fact that we didn’t evolve to sit for so many hours during the day, or that we are 30 times more likely to laugh in the presence of those with higher social rank, or that we are the same animal that we were 50,000 years ago despite that we live in cities and think ourselves tame, or that we are inherently violent, or that we cannot change our nature through new political ideologies or different ways of raising our young), you are going to have a hard time making sense of things. Remember, though, that things rarely make sense. We want them to. We construct reasons to convince ourselves that they do.

Study evolutionary psychology. Learn what we are, what our nature is. Rather than asking why you don’t fit society’s definition of healthy, consider that society is sick. Reality is little more than what a majority of people in a given place agree that it is. But that doesn’t mean they are correct.

In my years of searching and dealing with depression I have come to the conclusion that depression can be help dramatically when the body has the correct pH balance…

This balance comes from the food that we eat and sadly eating cooked food increases the acid levels leaving many of us open to an in balance…without the correct pH balance and perhaps a blocked colon its easy for the more in tune and empathic amongst us to find it difficult to carry the burdens of the world…

It does seems that the atrocities are never ending…despite our so called modern civilization the crimes against humanity just keep getting bigger…

A really good Thai product from Phuket which has helped me to find balance is Puriti Programs for Health http://www.puriti.org …its home program not for the faint hearted and it takes real commitment for 8 days but I thank the creators of Puriti from the bottom of my heart… its help me on a real practical level when all “conventional” therapies have failed…joy to you all and I hope you find your balance and good friends and family to share with…J

I appreciate your honesty and have had similar experiences. I studied religion and philosophy in college with the aim of answering the ultimate questions that had hounded me since childhood. In grad school, the tools afforded by philosophy effectively dismantled every structure I tried to build to support my belief in god, but in the end, god died.

Long story short, I’ve ended up in a nihilistic dead end much like yours. Suicide is the only thing left with any appeal, but the freedom opened up by the availability of the suicide option has been keeping me going. Nothing like standing at the edge to give you the energy to go forth and frolic!

Started a blog today if you’re interested. rantingnihilist.blogspot.com

A few hours back, a psychiatrist (who I visited for the first time) told me that I had “existential depression”. I was being treated for depression in the past year but I had discontinued the medication. I had to visit this one finally because I could no longer bear this; my academic life was getting more fucked up every passing day. I was like “what is the whole point in studying” and more often “what is the point in studying in these lousy Indian engineering colleges when I am not studying in MIT or Harvard and their likes?” Actually, I could not afford American education despite my decent SAT and TOEFL scores. First rejection by MIT triggerred (triggered) the onset in March 2006.

The doc has prescribed me 3×1 dosage of Stablon (tianeptine) for now. I will have to take a psychological test on Nov 1 which would last “2 or 2 and a half-hour” and I would be shown pics and asked a lot of questions. Guess what? They want Rs 1800 for that!! Cool. It is a big sum here (in India) though. Any way, I am eagerly waiting for the test since I was the one who agreed to this test promptly. LOL

Depression/discouragement – go hand in hand. While it is a horrible fight, if we “replace” the negative and the can’ts and the what if’s with something positive, then we will be well on our way. I know there is no way to stay positive and up beat all the time (but if anyone figures out how to do it, please share) – but for me, the best thing to bring me out of my depression and discouragement is to literally do something for someone I do not know.

Someone said in an earlier comment about making the corner where they are brighter. That is so true. We just sometimes have to step away from our own troubles and focus on others.

Thanks for sharing your heart with us – it is also good to know that others fight this battle!

Steve, what an amazing post. Also, what a delight in reading all the encouraging, insightful and intelligent messages from everyone here. Thank you.

Sorry for the long post….. but I had a lot I wanted to share and hopefully provide some encouragement too.

I have only recently discovered the term ‘existential depression’ and it accurately describes how I feel about life and essentially the insignificance of what it is to be human. I empathise with all the comments here, as I also, from an from early age, wondered what the ‘point’ was and constantly grappled with ideas of suicide and death – not in an active way but in terms of trying to find a higher understanding to my life, much to the horror of friends and family.

However, I absolutely believe I am not depressed. I am very rational, logical, positive and sometimes emotional person, but certainly not depressed. I also get very adverse, hostile reactions if I speak about how I feel. After many years of wondering what was wrong with me and many doctors offering anti-depressants or male doctors telling me to just deal with my PMS(!!!) and friends offering other forms of life suppressants like alcohol and drugs… I have come to the conclusion that I am actually very gifted… and I truely believe that people like us don’t feel this way by accident, or by some childhood trauma that needs to be ‘fixed’. Yes, I understand that some circumstances, events, or even your environment can be a catalyst for this way of thinking or trigger your need to question life beyond egostistical needs and satisfying your own immediate wants and desires – we are in fact intelligent people who are not afraid of realising and communicating that there are many horrors in the world that need to be recognised and addressed.

My only solution is to believe that what we feel is actually a very positive form of depression and should be nurtured and encouraged in terms of trusting our inner intuition and guidence into using these thoughts to make a better to world to live in… no matter how small or big, or how many people we manage to touch and make a happy world – from 1 to a million…. the difference we individually make is SIGNIFICANT, as the sum of parts makes the whole. A tree would not need a thousand leaves if one leaf could do the job on its own.

I have read much of different religions and I would say I am agnostic with an incline towards spirituality as I believe we are ultimately alone in this physical world, even if God does exist. Therefore we are responsible for our own actions… all evil in the world is a result of our own actions and consequences – not because of God or his absense. Every cause has an effect, and it is up to us to decide the reaction and action towards a better world. I strongly feel this is why we experiance existential depression or this nihilistic way of thinking as it is an innate way of knowing that what essentially right and wrong – we are sensitive with human consequences to our actions.

So I get on with life as an artist and do things that make myself and others happy. I promote postive thinking and positive action…. to bring peace, love, joy and enthusiam to others…. and trust me, I am certainly not there yet as I still find myself hitting states of paralytic ‘existential’ depression, but my belief in myself is there and my dream for a better world may not emerge in my lifetime…. but hey what else is there to do!

A little quote that I have always enjoyed:
The purpose of life is to make life a purpose.

You are right. There’s really no point to anything. One thing I get stuck on in my thought process is refugees who have fled from war torn countries. They sleep in tents and eat mush provided by NATO and basically live in squalor. I sometimes wonder — how did they get the energy to leave and what is going on in their brain that they have such a strong desire to live — even if it’s in a tent. I think it’s so interesting that they would go to those lengths to survive, while I’m sitting here in my safe, wonderful apartment questioning the point of life. Maybe the threat of death by severe measures leads to more motivation to live. Oh well. Anyway, everytime I start to feel a little better, I constantly remind my self that there’s really no purpose to anything. Even if I really enjoy myself right now, I will still die and be forgotten someday. And, that fact will never change. It’s kind of a bummer to have ever gone down this path with my thoughts since I can never get away from it now.

And, another thing… Anyone who tries to offer a solution or indicates that these feelings/thoughts will go away, has never experienced this same phenomenom, even if they think they have. There is a quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes which is especially fitting.

“Man’s mind, stretched by a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.”

If you have the types of thoughts experienced by those with existential depression, you cannot forget about them.

My only source of existential depression is stemming from the question I ask myself everyday all the way to the core: “Why?” I came and am slowly coming to the conclusion that there’s no answer to that question, and this is what I am not sure I can deal with. I think people who ask themselves this question as profoundly as I do will understand me: not just why is there injustice, or why is there suffering, but why? Period. Why existence? The only acceptable answer I encountered is that of the drive the universe has of creating again and again through big bang and big crunch. Then, there is the answer that we are here for a reason, that there is an intention to the existence of the universe, but again we don’t know what this intention is, another source of depression and anxiety in my case. As Eckhart Tolle says, we are here so that the divine purpose of the universe can be fulfilled, but again you must be willing to take the ride and trust the universe with its intention. The reality I think is that there is no answer and that we just have to let the universe do what it wants to do.

Thank you for writing this. It’s the only post of yours I’ve read so far, but now I realize how not alone I am. I realize others have existential depression too, but I never realized how alike people can be.

I’ve found the only way to get out of it for me is to be messed up. When I’m in an episode, which has been lasting for months now, I get drunk or something. It helps for a while, but I’m really screwed with it too.

I hope you can get through it, as I hope everyone with depression can. Thanks again.

Depression is the biggest killer of human being…Mostly people who love the most suffer/ and then there are other situations in life where u r unable to get ur things done.. //u have to be emotionally strong and head strong to be really able to come out of depression..i go and come out…but its a yo-yo process… I want help in making myself happy no matter what…any ideas…suggestions

i have learned to stop myself when i start thinking about anything that is existential, and think positive. always be positive, look up. also ive come to terms with dying, we all will die, and dont make it bad thought of death. anti-d’s have helped me also. im content. life is life.

dude you dont need group therapy, you can get past it yourself……..i did. it only takes time to block the stuff that makes you depressed, and you’ll learn not to think of it and if you get close to thinking of it you think of your future being happy, the way you felt before getting it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy…I know it well. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years and am starting back up again in May. Problem is, the CBT I’ve received was not proceeded by some psychoanalytic sessions looking at family of origin trauma and the roots causes of a possible Attachment Disorder. So yes, I was taught how to retrain my thinking but it was like standing in front of a vicious, growing, barking dog and trying to tell myself he wasn’t really there. I figure, get rid of the dog and maybe then you won’t need to pretend he’s not there.

CBT is popular because, as therapy goes, it is very fast which is what people want these days. And it works great on some kinds of depression (grief over death of a loved one) phobias, and some kinds of anxiety. But bad shit that happened when you were a kid that is seared into your subconscious and causes almost constant lifelong anxiety which in turn effects every single facet of your life and often boils over into depression, CBT is not so effective. You can’t really think your way out of it, believe me I’ve tried.

I’m hoping this new shrink still believes in doing therapy the old fashioned way- taking the time and effort needed for psychoanalysis.

I think it’s important to see there is a difference between coping with trauma and coping with depression. Depression may certainly be from trauma, but not all people who are depressed have trauma. CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is useful in addressing depression but to address the trauma psychoanalysis is often important. If the issue is the focus on those things that are out of our control or how horrible life is then a person MUST address their thoughts. It’s not a quick fix it is a life time process. I don’t think most depressed people would want to attend group because one of the symptoms of depressions is lack of desire to socialize. I’m not sure if your familiar with EMDR, it has shown great promises for trauma and depression. I’m sorry I don’t know what EMDR stands for but it has been effective in treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorders in soldiers and other trauma victims. My husband has just returned from Afghanistan. That was his third combat tour. He’s just been diagnosed with PTSD and I’m hoping to find a therapist who is trained in that. I’ve struggled with depression and find that much of what has been said throughout these entries I can identify with. But I know that focusing on my thoughts and perceptions help immediately. Exercise is also very important, if you can muster up the energy. I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s worth saying again, read Eckhart Tolle “A New Earth.” or there is another book called “Unstuck” can’t remember the author’s name. I tend to read and research in order to find answers. I realize that just because it works for me it may not work for everybody. I guess the key is to have hope and keep searching. Good luck! MZ

Thank you, sir, for posting this. I cannot express in any short amount of time or with any brief amount of verbiage, how deeply and widely your post affected me tonight. I am so glad I am not alone! And you are SO not alone! I am a nineteen-year-old college student and have been going through the same stuff since as long as I can remember, having experiences in each stage of my life that were/are just like the ones you mentioned. Not until I read your post, though, did I see the connections so clearly. I always just thought I was a sensitive, imaginative person, prone to depression. Well, I guess maybe that’s what it boils down to, but “existential depression” is definitely what my inclinations have led to, leaving me a confused, angry, bitter, and resentful college student who doesn‘t know whether God exists anymore but must succeed in spite of the dragging weight of that question and the implications of the answer, “Maybe, but regardless, isn‘t the world full of shit?”. I have spent too many nights (years and years!) reading about horrible acts, looking at horrible pictures, being drawn to dark, brooding subject matter in my movies and books, becoming secretly angry at my friends for not respecting or acknowledging all the aforementioned, fantasizing about doing horrible things to criminals, balling my eyes out in the shower stalls, spending entire days unable to socialize/joke around/exert any energy toward meaningful activity, and not knowing what the hell is wrong with me….

It would be nice to “find God”, find a purpose for my life, and move on to become a busy activist or join the Peace Corps, or do some such goodness and leave depression behind. But still, the emotional anguish that follows me has become so much a part of who I am that I can’t imagine life any other way. I feel as though I would lose my identity if I were “cured” of depression. There is something wonderful, sweet, and almost admirable in the elevated sensitivity of certain folks–or the talent that some people have for smelling the shit in the world. In my opinion, compassion is the highest faculty of the human mind. And….I must admit that I have at times, whether out of jealously, selfishness, spite, or defensiveness toward “normal people”, allowed myself to feel somehow “superior” to those who are don’t seem to care, think about, or get bothered by the shit that‘s all around us. I know I need a counselor, but it does me a world of good just to hear confirmation that there are others out there with the same struggle.

And again, to emphasize the title of your blog, isn’t it agonizing that the “meat” of our lives is the hidden part? None of my friends or family, aside from Mom, have any idea about all that I’ve said in this stupid comment of mine.

Steve, have you perchance ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality test (the MBTI)? You seem like a fellow INFP or INFJ, both of which are personality types that seem “prone” to existential depression.

I too have had long periods of thinking about the nature of Time,and the fact that the present NEVER exists because it is CONSTANTLY CHANGING,in TIME itself ! Therefore there never can be a PRESENT,or a FUTURE. TIME is a continuum,and division of Time is an illusion.I believe we are VICTIMS of TIME,because we are powerless to affect it.We are immersed in TIME,from birth to death.Perception of Time can vary,for example when we are enjoying ourselves,Time “flies”,and conversely it can appear to slow down when we are bored. I can remember once during a depressive episode,that I felt half an hour had passed,yet when I looked at the clock only five minutes had passe. The philosopher Bergson had something to say about this I believe. Worth looking up.

Same issue. Came on when I’d hiked to the top of a mountain. My wife said: “it really puts it in perspective, doesn’t it, how small and temporary we are.” That night I couldn’t sleep. I felt sheer terror.

It is now two weeks later and I want to put the genie back in the box. Yes, this is the coward’s way out, but it is a way out, and I need it. I don’t want to continue thinking like this: it is robbing me of joy. I would not consider suicide, but neither do I want to live like this.

I had this feeling before, when I was young. It was like a blackness. Somehow I shook it off, after only a few days. I wish I had made a note of how!

Yes, this does seem to be an encounter with our Existential Predicament
in one of its manifestations.
Instead of trying to avoid it or deny it,
it might be better to go more deeply into this awareness.
I have written a book on this subject,
large segments of which are available free of charge on the Internet:http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/XP.html

People don’t realize that kids, even young kids, can have existential crisises. I did. I was wondering when I would be old enough to know what I was supposed to do with my life, when I questioned whether I had a destiny, something I was supposed to accomplish. I doubted that someone would hand me a “destiny scroll” telling me why I was here, then I really experienced the emptiness of being here without a plan and the horror of having to make up my own destiny. I was so upset, I decided to believe that someday I would recieve the equivalent of a destiny scroll. The alternative was too awful. I couldn’t seek comfort from my parents because they simply said “Don’t think that way, you’ll go crazy”

You’re sensitive and insightful, don’t ever underestimate your gift to others in you’re writing and openess about what you experience. Focus not on changing the whole world, but just what you can. Keep doing what you’re doing, there is meaning in it, there is comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.

True you don’t live in the present, but that’s just semantics. You could say then that your perceived present moment is actually living in the aspiration of future events. As the present happens your perception of it is lagging behind a bit. Therefore if the focus is on the past your life is hopeless and not empowered. If however you have hope for something or inspiration to motivate yourself to something then you have the power to move forward.

Existential depression and depression in general could arguably be said to be the consequence of a lacking of hopefulness or inspiration.. True, we have no control over our ultimate end. There’s only one way in and one way out. But it’s how we live in between that defines who we are. If we settle on our own principles and priorities and adhere to them then it’s like a basic strategy of life. Freeing yourself up to enjoy your life.

In the end I think that growth is a life long process that can feed your hope and inspiration. And after death, if you exist then your actions could continue in that spirit that you define today. And if you don’t then at least you would have contributed positively to humanity.

I’m going through one of those bouts right now. I’m 25, and I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I won’t take my own life- that would hurt the people around me, and I don’t want to cause any harm… It’s just difficult dealing with the meaningless of it all…

I went off my anti-depressants about 3 months ago, and was doing just fine until I started looking for a job in San Francisco. My boyfriend moved down there for school…I started taking the meds again 3 days ago.

Problem is that my mother (65, but lacks the employment credits to go on Social Security) and brother (44) are both unemployed, (my dad died in 2001) and I’m the only one with a steady income. I can’t leave them. They can’t make rent without me.

Anyway, I won’t go into it all- it’s all irrelevant anyhow. Hope that didn’t bring you down! I hate it when I do that…

I’m glad that you posted this. It helps to know there are other people who go through this, and who- more importantly-get through it. Even though I’ve been through it before, it’s easy to forget that this feelings goes away- buried deep beneath laughter, sunshine, and pretty-although passing- beauty of life.

Thank you for writing this, I am 19 and at university…glad to see there are many others who think in a very similar way to myself. I agree that it is not something to be cured and thinking is not disease…

I still have no answers and doubt I ever will have. I occassionally fall into states of depression where I contemplate killing myself, thankfully I have been able to talk myself out of it thus far. I will continue to try to find my place and meaning in this life and hopefully will find a purpose for myself here.

Your writing, and the responses here have helped give me some kind of perspective and context.
It is kind of sad that people who think like us are all hidden away in a society that doesn’t want to know how our minds work…

I have also had bouts of Existential Depression for as long as I can recall. First I thought faith in God might help, then I tried logic/science, then I tried devotion to Family, then I tried finding a Calling. All these efforts have ended in failure thus far. The God of my childhood failed me when I realized the extent of pain and suffering in the world. How can a God who created this mess actually be All Knowing, All Loving, and All Powerful? It can’t. Religious apologists will say that we need a leap of faith (hugs to Kierkegaard, whom I adore) and to just accept that there is a loving God whose designs are so complex that they are above our understanding. But what evidence do we have of this? None that I can see. After a great deal of deliberation and a study of most of the world’s major religions and philosophies I’ve concluded that it’s all likely wishful thinking. Frankly, I can accept much more easily that things just ended up this awful by accident. I’d hate to think some God has created all this horror and suffering just to “teach us a lesson”. Really, that’s just sick and wrong. Finally, even if there is a deeper meaning to existence and a creature like God DID exist, I certainly wouldn’t want to be part of the masses singing it’s praises. Religions are insanely divisive and have such a huge history of bloodshed. There is no peace in religion for me.

So on to science, right? Logic and philosophy? They gave me great tools for examining the world around me and answered a lot of my questions about how the world works. The answers I find here seem much more concrete than the bedtime tales told to me at religious services. For a while, I became occupied exploring the world and had some hope that I might come to some peaceful enlightenment through knowledge. Alright, I know – I read Faust, too. I should have realized this might end badly. Yep, it did. Because, hey, guess what I learned? Buddha was right after all. Life = Suffering. But this Scientific suffering isn’t some lame whining about how our desire causes us psychic trauma because we don’t get our way. No. Turns out my life is completely dependant upon the death and suffering of other beings. This seems obvious enough, I guess, but think about the implications. We all must kill and devour others to survive. That’s just the way it is. Part of the “Great Circle of Life” (insert sounds of me barfing here). Sure, it seems like an innocuous idea, maybe even a comforting one, when Disney presents it. But it isn’t. We kill and eat things until we, ourselves, are killed and consumed by others – whether that’s a shark or worms or bacteria. And don’t let the whole “Circle of Life” proponents trick you because the deaths aren’t all quick and merciful – like lions taking down the old, sick members of a herd. Lots of these creatures’ fates are awful and full of suffering. (Sample: Insects paralyzing other insects and inserting larva inside who then eat them alive from the inside out.) For a while I tried to pretend I could absolve myself from the guilt of being part of this cycle of suffering by becoming vegetarian. But then I studied Environmental Philosophy. Plants are not only alive – we now have scientific evidence that they communicate with each other (ex: http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/abstract/221/4607/277?ck=nck) They signal each other about dangers they experience and the other plants in the area prepare themselves as best they can for the potential attack. They are fully alive and aware of their surroundings. At this point in life I no longer consider cows to be particularly superior to a broccoli, and frankly I don’t feel that my life is better/more valuable/superior to theirs either. The fact is I kill and eat to live. So do they. All living things are murderers and scavengers. They specifics of what species I decide to kill and devour is now morally irrelevant to me.

OK, intellectual pursuits weren’t too comforting. So, trying to move on, I consider that maybe I’m just freakishly squeamish about the whole eating thing and set it aside. The facts are the facts, right? Survival of the fittest? I mean, I may be no better than a broccoli, but on the flip side, the broccoli is no better than me. It would eat me if it could, but it can’t. So there. I should just enjoy my place in the food chain and get on with it. What is, is. What isn’t, isn’t. Life goes on and successful organisms reproduce themselves to sustain the species. Maybe if I just try to embrace it all I’ll find comfort in the warm kiss of a lover and the sweet embrace of a small, innocent child. I marry. I have children. I love them. A lot. Sounds good, right? All you need is love? Fairytale ending? Nope. Why? Because – news flash – being the parent of a small, helpless child does NOT make the world seem like less scary place. Quite the opposite in fact. It’s bad enough that so many things want to kill and eat me – but now they want to kill and eat my children, too. I feel huge amounts of guilt and psychic pain for having been foolish enough to bring children into this crappy place but I don’t want to infect them with the same stupid thoughts that torment me, so I try to keep those thoughts hidden away and remain a strong and positive role model for them. I think that maybe even if I’m defective, maybe I can raise optimistic children with a zest for life. But it doesn’t work. They’re my kids. It’s genetic. Though still very young, they have already started asking all the hard questions and I can already tell that many of the answers aren’t very satisfying to them. In time, as they learn more, it will just get worse. History is repeating itself. Why have I done this to them? I hope that it’s all in my head – just me projecting my feelings onto the kids or that maybe they will be lucky enough to receive the enlightenment that eludes me, but at this point I strongly feel that no one
with the slightest bit of compassion and understanding would ever bring a child into this world. Ooops…

But it’s too late now. I’ve screwed the kids over by birthing them. Here they are. And the world sucks. So, as the parent, obviously it’s my job to make the world a better place for them. I dedicate myself to doing what everyone recommends – I find a worthy cause that is appeals to me and devote myself to making the world around me a better place. I found my bliss – a career I truly loved. But what I took away from this 6 year experience is the fundamental truth behind the phrase “No good deed goes unpunished.” I learned a LOT about people and human relationships from that experience and I’m not too impressed. It takes only a couple of people to ruin all the good work that hundreds of people might try to do.

So here I am. Rather like Howard the Duck, I’m “Trapped in a World I Never Made”. I know there is beauty in the world. I know there is joy. I laugh, I love. But, in the whole scheme of things, I feel like it isn’t worth it. Even if my life was perfect and unmarred by depression – even if my kids’ lives were perfect and completely joyfull, it still all doesn’t seem worth it to me. When you see, read and comprehend the terrible things that people do to each other…when you understand the horror of the things “Mother Nature” allows to happen in her very own garden…I don’t see how a spectacular sunset, hot sex, or even the world’s very cutest kitten can balance that out. I do enjoy those things just like everyone else. I’m not trying to devalue those things. But even a really, really big basket of adorable fluffy kittens doesn’t take the sting out of the realities of torture and genocide for me.

I am hesitating to post this, because as you mentioned, people generally get irritated and angry when you discuss such things. I don’t like feeling the way I feel and I actually don’t enjoy bringing people down. Ignorance probably is bliss in this situation. I’d like to tell you that I’d found some way to embrace this reality like it is and that I’m now living a life of joy and peace – but I haven’t. I have tried a mess of different types of meds for depression with no success (I seem to be treatment-resistant and a lot of the meds made me want to self-harm). Therapy has helped much more than meds. I no longer suffer daily mind-crushing panic attacks, so that’s cool. Maybe someday I’ll find the key that will open the door to a better place, but I honestly don’t think so. I can distract myself from these thoughts for a time when I try and I can pretend these things aren’t happening, and I do realize that it would be nicer to lead a happy, carefree life while I sit around this world waiting to die than to mope pathetically or rage pointlessly in anger and then just die anyway. But I also know while I’m doing it that it’s all a lie. Your fantasy world can ultimately only take you so far. Just shutting your eyes and pretending everything is fine when the tiger attacks won’t stop him from eating your head.

OK, I’m back with some interesting stuff to share. After my long rant in your comments section here, I was inspired once again to research this affliction and for the first time feel I may have really stumbled on some valuable information that I’d like to pass along.

I found some articles and books trying to link bouts of depression to creativity. There seems to be no proven direct link so far for general creativity, though specific creative types, like writers, are possibly more prone to it. But while I was reading about creativity and depression, I found a different article presenting evidence supporting a link between very high physical and emotional sensitivity to the world and exceptional giftedness.

I learned that research supports the idea that the exceptionally gifted (160+ IQ) may simply have a fundamentally different emotional experience of the world than other people. That the same openness to particular experiences that creates intellectual giftedness also enhances the ability to emotionally empathize with others and these especially intense emotional reactions often create a person with strong ethical positions and drives them to feelings of social responsibility.

Then I found this fascinating passage in a Wikipedia entry: “Some gifted individuals experience heightened sensory awareness and may seem overly sensitive to sight, sound, smell and touch. For example, they may be extremely uncomfortable when they have a wrinkle in their sock, or unable to concentrate because of the sound of a clock ticking on the other side of the room. Hypersensitivity to external stimuli can resemble a proneness to “sensory overload”, which can cause persons to avoid chaotic and crowded environments. Others, however, are able to tune out any such unwanted distractions as they focus on a task or on their own thoughts, and seem to seek and thrive on being in the midst of lots of activity and stimulation. In many cases, awareness may fluctuate between conditions of hyperstimulation and of withdrawal. These conditions may appear to be similar to symptoms of hyperactivity, bipolar disorder, ADHD, autism-spectrum conditions, and other psychological disorders, but are often explained by gifted education professionals by reference to Kazimierz Dabrowski’s theory of Positive Disintegration.” (here’s the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gifted#Characteristics_of_giftedness)

I believe this to be true in my case (IQ tests from early childhood pegged me with a 169 IQ). I went to this crazy shrink recently who diagnosed me with like 10 different major psychological conditions (I say he’s crazy because he diagnosed me with all these conditions after one single 1/2 meeting where he hardly even made eye contact with me and simply asked me a battery of stupid questions off some checklist. A checklist where I had to say if I had EVER experienced a variety of problems. I’m older now. EVER is a long time and I’m pretty introspective, so I had to honestly answer yes to most of the checklist questions).

Anyway, I liked the Wikipedia info on Dabrowski and his Theory of Positive Disintegration quite a bit so I thought I would share it with you: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_Disintegration In a nutshell, the idea that this existential anxiety and depression we feel is really a catalyst for significant personal growth that can potentially help us create a new, very individual, highly authentic way of relating to the world. This really resonated with me. I now plan on pursuing this course of treatment in my own therapy.

I find a couple of elements to the theory particularly compelling:

1. It explains why I just can’t bloody well “stop being so sensitive” and why I’m so frustrated by others insensitivity. And it explains my feelings of alienation. I thought I was odd mostly because I was an only child, but it makes sense to me that people who are biochemically more open/sensitive to the world might naturally have some radically different experiences of their environment. Maybe kind of like being able to see in Technicolor when everyone else can only see black & white? But instead of just seeing, you’re feeling and thinking things in Technicolor.
2. It gives some desperately needed meaning and context to the pain of angst and depressive rumination. The good news is that it’s growing pains. Hurts like hell, but it’s temporary. The bad news is it’s a pain you are likely to have to suffer through multiple times until your personality becomes firmly established. But it all ends with the very happy notion that at the end of the day we might be able to actually meaningfully reintegrate with the world and find some peace. Better, they claim that in real life people actually can and do make it to this stage and give examples.

Good luck to all of you in the ongoing struggle to find and make meaning out of chaos

I’ve found some kindship with the posts here. When I was eleven years old I walked home from school alone, and was about to walk up the old beat up back porch staircase when an overwhelming intersection of a thought and a feeling droned across my mind and forced me to ask a question that most people avoid their whole lives:

“What in the world am I doing here? In the galactic equivalent of just a few seconds my entire life will be over, and then the pain and meaningless of it will vanish never to be remembered by anyone ever again”.

Like most people, I overcame such youthful angst by getting involved in sports, girls, family, and education through my teens but the whole bleak scenario came crashing over my head again in my early thirties. I was a walking zombie for a couple years.

It was as if I could “taste” the passing of time in a fast-forward moment of advanced intuition. I wanted to die simply because of the apathy. All around me, people were busy working, marrying, divorcing, traveling, and keeping themselves so busy as to never face such questions.

I finally found the perspective that helped. True, we’re all “stuck” on this planet through no choice of our own, but behind the veil of meaningless nihilism I discovered the personal God who is eternally real. I didnt construct him from my own imagination–rather, I was willing to learn who He was on His own terms.

Without thumping a bible, this God knows the number of hairs on our heads, desperately cares for us like a mother weaning her only child, and desires to give us:

Romans 8:18 “For I reckon that the SUFFERINGS of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us. ”

Naturally, I still struggle to get through each day, even though few people realize the extent of my clinical depression as a seemingly healthy, athletic, married, strong, but creative and sensitive person.

Most days i force myself out of bed into the cruel world inhabited by unobservant and non intuitive people merely concerned with a superficial self-centeredness which I find repulsively boring.

But the perspective of seeing that God desperately loves you and is highly concerned about giving each of us a wonderful future makes it easier to endure.

Steve, thank you for your posting.
I am going through this right now, I think I am at the tail end, but you never know and really you don’t think about it in that context.
This posting was the first time I had ever seen someone point out the “time” dilema that I was experiencing.
I am turing 40 next year and the last time I encountered this was about 5 years ago. I have to say that the last time was far worse and that I had never experienced this before that time.
I basically have come up with a scale from 1 to 10. In my scale 1-3 is existentially depressed, 5-6 is how we normally operate I think of as flow, and 9 and 10 are for those times we feel super happy or in serious flow. There is no 4, because I feel that there is a gap between depression and flow — a least there is one for me, since when I am in flow, I don’t really know what dep feels like, when I am depressed, I don’t know what flow feels like (which is the ultimate shame since it could pull me out of it).

Now in my case the world’s issues don’t seem to trigger this. In fact, this time around I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what got me back into this. It may have been that I am turning 40. Or, that a close family friend was told he has 3 years to live and I could not even fathom what that would feel like. Maybe that I am getting “bored”, I know most of what I am going to know for my job. I thought that maybe it was because I am single with no kids, but that quickly went away when I realized how many people are married with kids and still go through this.

I recently went on a family cruise for vacation. I originally was happy to go since it was booked months ago while I was feeling ok. But when it became closer, I was dreading it. But after about a day on the ship, I was back to my old self. Now that I am back I am not as “good” as I was on the ship. On the ship I would have said that I was mostly a 5 using the scale above, mostly because I did not do self improvement things like work out, which I find I have difficulty motivating myself to do when I am down. But I could live the rest of my life a 5 and be a very satisfied. I would say now I am a 3, where I was a 2 before I left.

I definitely believe that you have to distract yourself and ultimately “forget” how this feels.

By the way, the reason that people don’t want to hear about this is that ignorance is bliss and why would they want to get themselves down. Even I have difficulty telling people about the details of my thoughts, because I would rather not know myself.

Sometimes I think that this is affecting our generation and the generation that is following us more. I often say that 30 is the new 40, since we know so much more sooner. However, that is probably not the case. One of the post on this site refers to a Polish psychologist working in in the 1940’s with children. Recently I remembered that Adam and Eve’s problems were with the tree of knowledge. It seems that “ignorance is bliss” is a very old concept.

I was never aware, until very recently, that there was such a thing as “existential depression.” I assumed that most people would get depressed when thinking about mortality, etc.

The first episode of existential depression that I ever experienced was when I was 11 years old. It’s almost impossible to describe the way that I felt…I still remember it exactly, I was watching a movie, and suddenly it’s like a switch was flipped, and I saw the film I was watching as being utterly pointless. I saw the actors as actors, but not just that, I saw them as nothing more than animals. I spent weeks in this strange fog, where nothing seemed to make any sense or have any meaning. I ate, I slept, I existed and went through the motions, but there seemed to be no reason for any of it. I couldn’t find any meaning in anything around me. I don’t remember what it was that snapped me out of it, so to speak, but ever since that first episode, I have had others like it. All of a sudden, I will just feel like everything is reduced to nothing more than exactly its face value. People are just creatures, nothing is interesting or entertaining, there is no joy in anything. Why am I alive, is there meaning to life at all? Why bother, when I am ultimately just going to die and there will be nothing at all? I’ll be gone and none of this will have mattered at all.

When I was a high school student, we were studying existentialism in class, and it brought on one of the worst episodes I’ve had. I became panicked at the thought of dying, wondering whether there was any meaning at all to my life. Would I leave anything of value behind? Not just that, but what could I possibly leave behind that would be considered valuable, and by whom?

I sometimes feel that if I could buy into religion, I’d feel some reassurance, some alleviation from my depression. However, I can’t seem to manage it. I like to tell myself that I have no way of knowing whether a higher power of some sort exists, and that it’s entirely possible that there’s a Creator, because who am I to know? I know nothing. That being said, I don’t believe it. I believe that I am exactly what I am at this moment, and that at some point, I’ll cease to be and that will be the end of it. I look beyond my life, and I see nothing but a void.

Again, I truly assumed that most people had these kinds of thoughts. It’s been interesting to read this post, and the comments here.

The very first psych I ever saw for depression told me I was suffering from an existential depression. I do not know why I didn’t pay what he said much attention. Extentialism was always difficult for me to understand. However, what he said has always stuck with me. After reading your blog, I am amazed to find out that others feel this way. I do not know how to get out of this. The recent events in Haiti have devastated me on top of everything else.

I would just like to say thank you for this post. You have perfectly articulated what I am constantly thinking when you write:
“We never actually experience the present, by the time it has registered in our minds, it is the past, and since we cannot relive the past, we can’t possibly live in the present. It isn’t even happening right now; it happened a millisecond ago, so we are constantly losing it, and everything we think we know is really only a memory in our imagination. It was a feeling that we are constantly falling away from everything in our lives, and even our hopes for the future are gone as soon as we reach them, so what’s the point? We are constantly losing everything because as we move through time we can cling to nothing, and our experience of it may be pure imagination.”
This awareness has lead me to dissociate from what people commonly experience as reality or I guess what is more popularly known as a dissociative episode. It is true that by embracing the meaninglessness and the rock bottom pain of this that it is (ironically) made better. I have been looking on the net for other people who share this understanding. This obsession with time and space and associated feelings of futility and loss I believe are an opportunity for spiritual growth. Can’t thank you enough for sharing this story!

Words cannot do justice the full body and mind experience I’ve just been subjected to. I normally write really fluently and richly but I can barely breathe right now. There have been some amazing and touching stories written here, and I can relate to many of them so closely. It’s very very refreshing to read the words of people like me, and to have a term to explain what I used to label as plain ‘depression’ or ‘seasonal mood disorder’. I love you all and feel as though I have kindred spirits to relate to despite what we would often call the ‘otherness’ of beings outside oneself.

Ok, I have to stop what could turn into an enormous wall of text. Too tired and emotionally drained. One day perhaps I will return here and post my story. This probably seems poorly composed and perhaps not indicative of my status as a sufferer like many of you. Not sure why I’m saying this, but trust me, all of you, there are so many people like us out there. Don’t stop being yourself, acting on intuition and being the richest form of yourself that you can. If you can see no meaning, do not fight it, embrace this tiny existence and make it as great as possible. You owe yourself that much. The affliction of ‘existential depression’ can surely make us all very great.

I know it’s been three years since your post, but I just wanted to say that I empathize completely with you. If you haven’t already done so, and you still need a pick-me-up, the books of Alan Watts are brilliant meanders into existential philosophy. He reconiciles a lot of eastern and western philosophy, and I’ve always found his books to be extraordinarily comforting when I get distressed by existential things. Happy living!

You’ve done, and still do a lot of self-reflection. Right? You keep up at night because your mind won’t shut off. Like a… Monitor displaying frames, your thoughts run at 1000 thoughts a second at time, especially in the quiet right?

If you’ve had existential depression all of your life, you should look into whether or not you’re what society considers “gifted”. However I could be wrong. If so, disregard everything I’ve said!

You’re a man after my own heart. Yes I relate in every sense, I quit watching TV for several years because it was just too much confirmation of the senseless, meaningless, existence we live, and again it started very young. People say I think too much, I should paint pretty pictures, and why think about questions you cAn’t answer? I struggle with are the thoughts. I think I should have some dreams or goals that I feel passionate about,
but anything I think of seems meaningless and pointless. Life is kind of like a loveless marriage.
A friend was listening to a speech about people dying all over the world. I said well 100% of people die.
The problem isn’t that they die, it’s why they die. He told me the day before that he thought that if no one was afraid
to die the world would be a better place, somehow he thought being afraid to die was weakening people.
I think myself that living frozen like I am is worse from an individual perspective. In the medium picture, it is not better.
While people feel death is the worst thing that can happen, suicide is the most abusive thing you can do to people
around you, other than murder. In the big picture whatever happens that people have to live through, is nothing,
especially once mankind is extinct and can’t think about it any more. So really it doesn’t make sense that we waste
our time thinking, doing, living, loving, breathing, they are nothing more than the pretty dramas of poets.
I look at people right now, and I don’t feel a part of any of it. I feel like a fly on the wall.

Why should I care to exist, invest my passions into something that neither I nor the universe will recall?
This is anger that I feel, and I know that the only one that is affected by it is me. Still, you can’t live in the moment.
The moment is always past or future. There is no now, you can’t measure “now.” It is a point on a line with no room for a
whole human being. There is no time in the moment to even feel it, let alone to think about and value it.
I feel intangible, invisible. But I feel something else that if I try to hold anything in my hands it turns to ash.
I have no faith, no hope, in fact to try to feel there is some positive outcome to living seems like I’m trying to
make up a pretty story so I can go numb, instead of feeling this raw meaninglessness. Yet, I want to feel it until it
is done. I want to see what happens if you shake your fist at it forever. I don’t want to give in to it, and believe or invent
stories; over time believe the stories, and preach the stories, love and hate for the stories I tell, or the voices of mankind tell.

Still there is something I get out of my resistance to accepting that stories are all we know how to do, and tell them as
long as I breath. Whatever it is that I get from it feels disturbed, unsettled, but it feels like I am saying “That all I know,
is nothing, but at least it seems more true than stories.” Yet it is really another story, in which I am a prisoner of ignorance,
circling the great abyss. I see in my minds eye, a dragon snapping and roaring circling the pit trying to snatch me and drag me down.
I stand here thinking, didn’t I already take this leap? how is it that I am still here, my feet grown into the earth hanging half-way between
fantasy and chaos? I thought I had already fallen, but here I stand clinging to the world. Why can’t I let go and just fall?

Let me start off my saying that I too can relate to what’s being said here. I’ve felt that absolutely hollow void that one experiences when one asks why they exist, or should continue to exist despite the complete futility of everything and finds no good answer. Why struggle day in and day out to avoid our deaths when we know they can’t be stopped? Why create when everything is eventually destroyed? Why hold on to hope when all hope seems false? Why live a life in which all choices seem arbitrary? Why try to be social in a society that can’t understand or deal with the problems we’re aware of, and who, more times than not, seem to be only obliviously contributing to those distressing problems? Why do anything but despair at the suffering and complete triviality of life? How can there be a loving God if the world is such as it is?

These questions have haunted me for most of my life (I’m now 21). I feel what I believe to be the basic tragedy of human existence; that we should be born, suffer and struggle to exist one more day, just so we can suffer and struggle for one more day, until we just can’t anymore one day and finally die. I’ve felt guilt for knowing that compared to other people in the world, I live in relative comfort and security, and perhaps even, that such comfort and security comes at the cost of others. I’ve felt so distraught at the state of affairs in the world that I’ve contemplated suicide for much of my life, even up until very recently.

I don’t mean to further depress anyone (though if you’re here I’m guessing that’s because you’re already about as depressed as a person can get), but I’m glad that there is a place where people like us can just finally be honest with ourselves and others about how we feel and not be concerned about upsetting other people who don’t want to see or deal with the problems that we can’t seem to ignore. I can’t tell anyone on here what they should accept about the world. I won’t tell you you shouldn’t kill yourself if you are at that point. I’m posting here because I want to share my own experience with this problem, and provide some answers, or conclusions that I’ve come to, and am continuing to come to.

For every “why?” that can be asked, there is always a “why not?” If the fundamental question that is so depressing is “Why live a life in which there is a total lack of meaning?” it can be asked “Why not live a life in which there is a total lack of meaning?” There’s no meaningful answer to either question. Life may in fact be meaningless, but if that is true even the search for meaning is meaningless. Death is meaningless as well. If we become so desperate to find meaning in a meaningless existence that we become depressed at the loss of meaning, this is really a sadness coming from the loss of something we only thought existed, but never actually did. Thus, it’s a false loss. Could this actually be liberating? Could the complete lack of meaning in the world actually be something to be celebrated, rather than agonized over? I’m coming to believe so. If everything we do is meaningless then nothing we really do matters. However, deciding not to do something, or being unable to do something matters just as little. Still, some things matter TO YOU or else you wouldn’t feel so down about the world, and as far as you know your own experience of the world is true, even if nothing matters in the world as a whole, this “mattering” to you is still a valid part of your existence because it’s a part of your experience of existence.

The key, then, is finding out what matters most to you in life and working towards that goal. Does the end of the goal hold any meaning in any grand, objective sense? No. As you’re probably aware it will fade into nothingness eventually. However, if one concentrates merely on the act of moving towards a goal, there is meaning in this because you mean to do something. Is there meaning to whether or not you accomplish such a goal? If we can’t see any objective meaning, then perhaps the answer is “No”, but then it doesn’t matter whether you accomplish it or not, and so there’s no point of putting pressure on yourself if you don’t succeed completely. There’s really no pressure on you to do or not do anything. And still, is accomplishing even a fraction of a goal not still moving towards something? In my analysis, even a fraction of something that gives you meaning is still meaningful.

Simply put, if there is no meaning to life, then there’s just no reason not to do with it what you believe it would be best used by doing (what you truly want). If the world has problems, then perhaps it’s best to pick one or two of them to work at, and do our best to produce a better vision for the world. If each of us did that, rather than letting the current state of the world get us down, wouldn’t the future state of the world be better in the ways that we aim to make it better? Isn’t there something worthwhile even in the pursuit of that, even if it can never be completely perfect?

For myself, I have decided that I believe most in the right to die movement. I believe that life can suck enough at times, but to have access to a relatively dignified, self-chosen, and peaceful death is the best gift that can be given to anyone. It is a purpose that is perhaps meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but not meaningless to me. I think Jojo and Lex (above, comments 65 and 66) have it right; if meaning can’t be found without, perhaps that does free us to self-select it from within. If that still doesn’t seem genuine, perhaps we can be comforted knowing that we are just as entitled to choose our own meanings as everyone else, because no one has an absolute meaning, even if they think they do, so they are likewise just picking what fits them best.

I’m from Windsor, Ontario btw. I wonder where everyone else who’s posted comes from. I think, in as far as there are few people in everyday society that can recognize this stuff and actually talk about it, it would be cool if we started talking to each other. So, if anyone who has posted previously, or anyone who’s reading this now wants to talk about stuff, my email is stevestjohn@bell.net. Just mention this site so I know who you are please and thank you.

Thank you for posting – I can totally relate. I have had similar thoughts and experiences for over 30 years now and have never understood why nor been able to share them with anyone until today. I for so long have struggled to make sense of this world and have tried to see the good in it but with each passing year, I have become more and more disillusioned. However, as an eternal optimist, I will still try!!!

There exists a multiplicity and diversity of creation on earth. For those who live in uncertainty, the world can seem full of riddles and intractable situations. But there is an inner substance and a truth which is preparing to reveal itself and deliver us from hardship.
Man spends his whole life searching – trying to reveal that which he is subject to – but despite all his efforts the unknown remains undisclosed. When the time is ripe for disclosure, however, it will become possible for man to discover the previously undisclosed and thereby change both his own life and the ways of the world.
This unique series of books has been written in order to disclose life’s unfathomable mysteries to those who are still searching.
E. Loregross

Wow–I’m going to have to come back to all this later–am trying to finish an essay right now that is due tomorrow.
But, from what I’ve seen so far, I am very glad you shared! I knew about Existentialism as a philosophy, about the theory of Existential Intelligence, and about Depression. I did not know that anyone had linked these. I knew they were linked in me, however. The earliest I can remember experiencing existential depression is when I was nine–I have often thought of this as the year when I “woke up” for better or worse. Oftentimes, instead of wanting to play with other kids or doing anything else, I would walk to the park and lay on top of the jungle gym, watching the clouds and thinking about life. I could see that this was odd–that I was odd, and that others did not share my concerns; so I quickly began to feel painfully self-aware and acutely alienated. I became detached from everyone at school–apart from a boy who amused me, who seemed to be in touch with what I now know to be the absurdity of reality. Come to think of it, these are often the type of people–and they are few and far between–with whom I have fallen in love with or become very attached to. It’s not that I believe that I am any less alone with such people or actually understood–but rather, they seem to be able to bring to light the only thing I know to be true–again, the absurdity. And the pretense of understanding one another is not even present with such individuals–which is a relief to someone like me, as being around others who believe they can understand just reminds me that they can’t. Moreover, I have often–very often–had the problem of others becoming very attached to me just because I can understand them so well, while they are unable to return the favor–and then the feeling of acute isolation sets in again. . .
Well, I got off track there. I could say a lot more, but don’t have time. I’ll have to come back
Anyway, you may find this interesting–http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_ExistentialDepressionInGiftedIndividuals.shtml

This is the single best thing I have ever read in 22 years of living. I cried tears of joy when I read this because I realized I wasn’t alone in feeling this way and that this sort of depression has a name.

Out of curiosity… for those of you that do believe in the more spiritual nature of things, has anyone experienced tightness/pressure (feels like sinus pressure) around the area of their third eye?

Thank you for writing this Steve, and to everyone for sharing their stories. It’s somehow empowering to read all this and realize that we can help dig our way out of this … or at least get closer to the light at the end of the tunnel… simply by being good people and servants to service.

Cure: “We must be the hope we wish to see in the world.” – Muhatma Ghandi

I too suffer from existential depression and I slump from time to time especially when my perceived expectations of people do not live up to the expectations in my mind and I become angry and feel hopeless with others. However, after I come out of the slump, I remember…the reason I am feeling this way is because I want to be exactly what I feel is missing with humanity. There are enough people in this world who are miserable and lash out at others or destroy themselves slowly because they feel similar feelings of hopelessness. I then ask myself, why not be that little bit of light in someone’s life who inspires them to be better? Good Luck.

Yeah, I understand completely. I had the classic existential depression when I was 13-14 and realised every culture has a different religion of sorts but they all have the same elements; namely a god that can be influenced by us in some way (conveniently ignoring times this doesn’t work) and an afterlife.

I figured out the afterlife first by realising 1) all we know is existance, we cant fathom non existence, so we come up with all these whacky ways to say we’re going to live forever (Egyptian mythology vs Valhalla lol), 2) I want it to be true so everyone else must but they’re better at lying to themselves and 3) if it were true at all there would be a universal afterlife concept because if it exists it would be known from observation. What exists instead is clearly a product of our own heads.

As for God I’d been learning in science class about the gestation periods & dependancy of various animals, the more complex & intelligent the longer the offspring receive care from parents…and figured since we do that till we’re 16 or so we have 16 years of familiarity with an all-powerful creator (of us, our food & gadgets) who can be influenced and looks over our welfare. Put two and two together, finally got over it all when I was 25 and recognised the beauty in the random occurances that led to existance of any living thing, and the total and utter meaningless of it.

I mean, what was the point of that 4 billion or so years bacteria held sway over the earth? If we get wiped out a la the dinosaurs, so what? What impact did our stay have? Certainly nothing from the human world ie the world we create in our heads through language had any relevance to anything since its all gone, and that doesn’t matter.

Ohyeah and I was 4 when i ran screaming and crying through to my mum one evening, having been lying in the dark and thinking about what the human body is made of. In my little head i saw my mum as a combination of parts such as skeleton, muscles, eyes…not what she was supposed to be at all. I had a little skeleton book at that age so i think that was responsible, anyways she laughed but looked worried…then a year later i started school and my teacher suggested i see a psychiatrist over drawings and stories I wrote.

As I get older though I relish in the pain this all causes, seeing reality as it is. Because I don’t have to deal with the nagging doubts I used to get from trying to hide from truth. Also i know how strong ive become, and the world is so much more amazing without a creator…thats just so simple, too simple. And too human to be true.I hope you are feeling the same sense of peace about existence Thanks for writing this, I cried a little.

Those are the words that I hear as I read all these posts. God has placed within some of us an incredible desire to make this world a better place. To be the hands and feet of Jesus…. That your soul cries out against trauma, injustice; that your heart breaks for others is just a fraction of what God feels for us. Compassion for others is God’s way of teaching us to love others.

I’m so happy google brought me to this site after I googled “How to get rid of existential depression.”
I personally feel sooo drained from feeling what all of you have described in your comments. I have been battling existential depression for as long as I can remember, however of course it gets worse the older I get because you realize that nothing in life matters. (I’m 25 by the way so it sucks knowing that with each year, i’ll get more hopeless about this little planet, Earth in this big unknown milky way galaxy that is headed where noone knows). Anyways, i get really frustrated when my parents tell me not to think about it and just do something you love, or when people tell me that all my worries would go away if I just had a baby to take my mind off things, but to be honest with you, this advice drives me completely insane. I mean, what the hell would I teach a newborn…what would i tell him/her about this world, about the meaning of life if I can’t even figure it out for myself. We are born, we live and we die and we perish into the unknown. We are all stuck on this planet that is full of war and rape and natural disasters, aids, etc, etc and there are a select few who have it all and rub it in our faces in their stupid reality shows. The world is just so depression and I cant seem to see the beauty of it because everything is corrupt and existing is so hard knowing you are going to die.
this sux.

My mother has such a simple way of viewing the world, and I envy her to the utmost. I want to just love and be loved, but I’m stuck staring at myself and this world too deeply. I’ve been severely depressed for about 2 years, and it’s a gnawing feeling. I’m learning to meditate, but as you know, doing anything depressed can be quite difficult. I often think that the pain associated with pondering these questions is because we are actually not meant to. So we’ve got to learn to let go. I’m so very not there yet. In the mean time, sending you love and a knowing nod.

Wow. Steve, your post and those above have described my feelings perfectly. It is comforting to know I am not alone in this. At 20, there are not many people my age(or “children” as I like to call them, bc they tend to be shallow and petty) that feel this way-at least around here. We should create a group, really. I see it now: “The Existentialists: Does This Group Even Really Matter?” Heh, just a little dark humor there (needs some work ><) Seriously though. This is tough to deal with. Sometimes I do think of suicide, but then I remember seeing my Grandma's body in the ER (thank you PTSD!) and I know I am too afraid of death. Talk to me people– poodlecd@optonline.net

What helped me a little bit was reading Camus. It’s a bit of an anti philosopher, examining the question whether we should kill ourselves or not. Now that’s the literature I like! In ‘the myth of Sisyphus’ he explains that the fact/thought that life seems meaningless, doens’t imply you should commit suicide. He argues by telling the story of Sisyphus, who was punished by the gods; his punishment consisted of constantly, repeatingly rolling a rock on a mountain, then letting it roll down again, to no avail at all. Fully aware of what he was doing, he still found some kind of liberation at last. Camus ends the essay saying ‘one must imagine Sisyphus happy’. Checkitout you can find it online.

Of course, it’s not in itself a life changing book. Maybe it can be one of those many a little that make a mickle. Also, it’s just beautifully written, so very beautiful at times. And it’s a great way of getting the whole absurdist vibe, which you probably already have, yet in my experience it can come as a relief if someone somewhere explicitely states the way you feel things are.

Excuse me if i irritated anyone with bad english, and good luck to all of you getting through life, i know it’s very very hard for actually healthy thinkers to go through it, since doing so is completely absurd. It’s just impossible not to be “an egoist”. As someone said, we are completely sealed in our own bodies, but that is not our fault and I’m sure if we could change it, we all would. Since suicide is not really a solution, the only thing we could do is “sit around smoke cigarettes and babble what-the-fuck”

OP: I read your post, and the majority of the longer and more positive responses, and I feel like I’m reading things that I forgot that I had written in the past. There are resonating gems in here…and I find myself wishing that I had any opportunity to meet any of you when I was younger. It would have just been an explosive glow to find another who new what the f*$k I was talking about when I was trying to verbally address my concerns with the world, with existence.

This is partially just in case you are still monitoring this, Steve, and partially to continue the encouragement of others who find their semi-random ways here in their individual explorations. There are still others who think and feel a very similar way to you. It’s a bit hard to fully realize, due to the relative unreality of interacting virtually, but even the *sign* of others who are seemingly your ilk can be a lifesaving, refreshing wave of information.

In terms of my own reactions to the stuff posted here, I have some sweeping agreements and dismissals that I’ll simply summarize, in the name of brevity (hah!) within a four-plus-year-old post.

Self-exploration and assessment? Agreed. Through whatever system(s) of discovery, philosophical or otherwise, that gain you some additional insight, and perspective.

Psychopharmaceuticals? Boo. Not a fan of relatively blindly trying to alleviate symptoms with the whitewash of compounds that affect our workings. I have a bit of an anti-outside-substance bias, though, so take that with this much salt. Non-smoker, non-chem-user, and I even generally stay away from painkillers and cold meds. (I do admit to a stubborn curiousity about hallucinogens, however, to see what my brain would come up with under such an influence, in as ‘organic’ a form as possible…haven’t gotten up enough to do it yet, though.)

‘Forgetting’? Un-ringing the bell? Pushing it all from your mind? Distracting yourself enough to just not think about all this? Isn’t that advice just recommending you to regress? Forward, cyclical progression, my friends, is what I seem to be buying into, dangling prepositions be damned. Growth, development, discovery. That’s my vote, anyway. Fearless personal exploration! At least, this is what I think my younger-self mind might have benefitted from hearing in some of the rougher times. Sympathy, understanding, support.

I realize that this all may be reiterating stuff you’ve most likely come up with yourself, since this came up, but I just feel like weighing in, sympathizing, and trying to strengthen the community with some additional, supportive statements.

All you sensitive, thoughtful, morally-aware, outnumbered, and probably-self-doubting folks out there: you are not alone in your…your what? Your fog? Your state or condition? Whatever we can call this.

I find myself thinking, ‘has there ever been a common spot to actually meet with those of this ilk?’ Apart from inflaming the haters of such thought processes, I’d think that such an experience would be of great benefit. Someone clever should come up with a convention idea or something, online or otherwise.

There’s my inflammatory two cents, anyway. All good things to the lot of you.

Hi, everyone. Well, I’m going through the same thing, and I’m only 18. I’ve been going through this off-and-on for just about as long as I can remember. Normally I can easily distract myself, but I haven’t been able to do that lately.

I’ve been going through stages. At first, I was just angry. I was so angry! I was angry at the world, at this country, at everyone, at myself. But as you’ve mentioned before, futile anger quickly evolves into depression, and that is just what happened. I’ve been very depressed, and even suicidal, for the past couple of weeks. I’ve come very close to ending my life. I even wrote a suicide note, which my mother accidentally discovered just last night.

Now, all these emotions and deep sadness has just kind of subsided, and I feel mute. I just don’t feel anything anymore. I have no desire to live; I have no interest in anything. I feel trapped in a meaningless, purposeless life. I’m going to look into books about Buddhism and existential depression, but in the meantime, I’m just trying to stay alive.

This is something I’ve experienced for as long as I can remember. I am 17, will be the validictorian in the spring and will attend Vanderbilt to major in chemistry or biology, but I also play football and am a 3 year varsity starter. I am by no means a pariah. I am considered by many to be good-looking and popular (by shallow high school standards, at least). Everyone thinks I have it made. They can’t fathom the intensity in which I see the world. I believe I hear more, see more, think more, and FEEL more. For this reason, I have such a different outlook on the world and life itself than others. I am often greeted with puzzlement or anger when I attempt to explain my views, so I keep them to myself.

I am not happy. I don’t believe I ever have been.

I take medication for depression, but its effects seem to be negligible.

I was identified as gifted as a kid, but even if I hadn’t been identified as such, I would have always felt alien. Remember the Jim Carrey movie The Trueman Show? I fantasized as a kid that everyone in my life was like an alien or a robot or something, wearing a mask, telling me everything is okay, watching me like a bug under a microscope. That even God wore a mask.

I have only recently really begun to struggle with existential depression. Some might write it off as mid-life crisis, but I think I have managed to avoid it because of my pervasive enthusiasm and hope that I will “someday” fulfill my life purpose. I’m almost 37 years old. To date? I haven’t done anything of note. Hell, I haven’t even got a university degree yet. And now? Do I even care if I get one? To what end?

I have realized that I need to be proactive about avoiding things that depress me. A friend was raving about a horrible book about a serial killer, spelling out in extreme detail how he tortured one victim for 36 hours – 36 freaking hours! – before finally bludgeoning her to death. I told my friend that, as fascinating a topic as the mind of the psychopath is (it IS interesting), for the sake of my mental health, I would have to pass on reading it. I just told her flat out, once I read it, it’s in there. And it ain’t coming out. A bad stain that just repeats itself over and over. I’m sorry I even heard about the book in the first place. I have to leave the room if there’s a torture scene in a movie. I can’t watch Titanic because it actually happened. I watched Saw. Once. My question: why the hell doesn’t it bother anyone else that a human mind had to come up with this shit?? That, to me, is the most disturbing thing about movies like that.

So I found that empowering, to protect myself by rejecting those things that I know would really bother me. Once my friend understood that I’m “allergic” to psychically harmful material, she was fine with that and knows better now to not bring things like that up again.

I used to be a believer in conventional Christianity, but I have had to reject most of the mainstream interpretation thereof. I have developed a mish-mash world view that adopts concepts such as universal consciousness, Akashic records, God as intelligent energy, and the existence of Christ as an inherent part of the immortal soul, the finest and truest part. All else that we perceive of ourselves is an illusion. I also feel that, if I’m going to believe in something beyond this finite life, the multiple lives theory makes good sense. Somehow, knowing that I wasn’t just PUT here, but that I actively participated in the decision to live this life and in its design. I came here to feel this way. To experience it. I also came here to feel the contrast between the abysmal lows of existential depression, and the stratospheric high of being in flow with nature, being in love and really – REALLY – connecting with someone, having my faith in humanity restored (if but for a short time) when I hear about some of the extraordinary people inhabiting this earth, or when people come together to take care of one another in times of crisis.

This world can be so incredibly beautiful. But that in itself depresses me because I experience it so profoundly. How do I share that? What is the point of experiencing it if only for myself? All these things that I see and feel and hear and taste and touch, and all that that means to me, will die with me because I have no way to bridge the gap between myself and another human being.

“We never actually experience the present, by the time it has registered in our minds, it is the past, and since we cannot relive the past, we can’t possibly live in the present. It isn’t even happening right now; it happened a millisecond ago, so we are constantly losing it, and everything we think we know is really only a memory in our imagination. It was a feeling that we are constantly falling away from everything in our lives, and even our hopes for the future are gone as soon as we reach them, so what’s the point? We are constantly losing everything because as we move through time we can cling to nothing, and our experience of it may be pure imagination”

No it’s not weird at all. Much of what you said resonates much with my own experience- especially the above.

Anyone who experiences existential depression is, according the philosopher Ken Wilber, at a level of psychological and spiritual awareness that is moving towards what he calls second tier consciousness.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIEGx4bGji8

I’ve been reading books by Wilber and other authors on Integral psychology for years but his ideas are hard to live up to since what is needed- as I understand it- is the right kind of existential psychotherapy that can address this kind of depression. Since our mental health providers know nothing of existential depression, and since my health insurance will not cover it, I’m stuck paying the the sessions needed to get me out this state of mind.

What made me realize I had existential depression was when I heard Ken Wilber on the Integral Life web site say the following:

“There is this drive that might not be fully understandable to you but it’s a drive towards integral motivation. It’s moving towards a superabundance this overflow of motivation. It is something that makes you -sometimes in ways you can’t understand- be pulled towards comprehension solutions to things. You are not happy going to a doctor and getting just fragmented crap, here, here, here, and here -and none of it tied together. You are not happy with political situations watching the democrats, republicans, and independents -all at each others throats …..recognizing that all have something to say. It’s just ridiculous seeing grown men and women in these argument”

Elsehwere he says

“These kind of things come up and start to bother you and its a quiet consistent, sometimes existent, almost explosive situation where it’s just driving you crazy. This integral awareness you have is this good news bad news. The good news is that you have a wider, deeper broader awareness and the bad news is nobody around you gives a flying fuck. All of the sudden you suddenly become isolated and I’m being really serious. It becomes very isolated and lonely type of existence. So of course what we are trying to do is create online events and integral salons in local areas where people can get together and discuss these issues. Because one of the things we that we find is so important for people is to be able to really gather together with other people with a similar ilk and understanding. And you can just go into a room -one like this- and you realize you can talk and you don’t have to explain yourself. You can talk and you don’t get this weird sort of rolling eye ball looks. And you can be fully open and fully sharing of what you are doing and you know that what’s being heard is genuine it’s real people will really hear you and really take the time to listen and to help your conversation move forward. So this is the good news and the bad news of integral and a lot of people when they first get introduced to integral they imagine that it’s nothing but sweetness and light; that everything gets better, problems disappear, and your doing totally cool, every thing’s working out great -that’s rare. So one of the things we want to do and asking your help in, is to certainly in your experience with JFK and the great programs they have out there. But think about when you get out and helping to create local integral salons where one a week every other week -whatever- people can come together and discuss these issues”

I wish I could get involved in one of these Integral Salons but I live in a small town. But even if I didn’t,getting into these groups cost money. I’d rather use it to address -head on- my depression. ideally, I’d like to go to the one week retreat with psychotherapist Robert Augustus Masterson who knows a lot about Integral psychology. I read his book, “Spirtual Bypassing” and it really helps to shed light on this issues of awareness and self realization and how even the most devout avoid dealing with pent up unresolved emotions by idealizing their understanding of spirituality.
He has another book that just came out called “Transformation Through Intimacy” . I have yet to read it but what has prevented me from doing so is that I’m single and have been under involuntary celibacy for 5 years becuase it’s near impossible to find a woman really interested in cultivating a healthy relationship. This has contributed heavily to my depression. Of the few women I’ve met, none are interested in any form of self awareness -much less realize that the only way to make a healthy relationship a living breathing reality is through self awareness.
Unbeknownst to themselves, they (men too) are under the spell of the myth of romantic love spoon fed by our novel and entertainment industry. Rare it is for anyone to free themselves of it but when you do, when you see the lie you have been living, it will bring to that existential place. And there are times I wish could go back like Cypher in the matrix where he tells agent Smith he does not want to remember anything.
He wants out of reality and live in an illusion of his own making.
But once you reach existential depression, you can’t go back -only forward and that is the direction I need to go and deal with it directly for I fear that as I get older it might get worse.