Victor Farinelli: Ink Master Review (Finale)

By Victor Farinelli Well, the end is finally here. In the two-episode finale of this season of Ink Master, I have been left wondering the meaning of life. Well no, not really, but it has a good ring to it. Our contestants are finally whittled down to the last four. In the first of the two episodes, the contestants did not have to do a flash challenge. It was straight to the elimination challenge. They had to demonstrate all the different aspects of tattooing to see who gets to go to the live finale…

The twist was that the clients chose the artist. Each of the clients drew straws to pick the artist they wanted to work with. I am using the term “artist” loosely on a couple of these tattooists. The clients were a bunch of thick neck fighters and football players. King Mo was a little on the whiny side.

(Left to right: Tattoo by Steve Tefft. Tattoo by Sarah Miller.)

Let’s just cut to the chase. I need to go to the bathroom, and I don’t have time to spend on the shitstorm of personal drama. The judges liked Steve’s tattoo. It’s not too bad. I don’t like it. Sebastian’s was one big piece of shit. The judges gave shit to Tatu Baby for her dragon but Sebastain’s was way worse than hers. They gave her shit about the anatomy of the dragon, but really the average Jane/Joe Q. Public would not really notice the difference. Sebastian’s demon had goddamn clown nose, for fuck sake. Sebastian has not won a goddamn challenge! He is a scratcher! SCRAAAAAAAAAATTTTTCCCCCHHHHHHHHER!

(Left to right: Tattoo by Tatu Baby. Tatturd by Sebastian Murphy.)

But, who do they pick to go to the final? Sebastian! Fuck me running with an onion in my mouth! They eliminated Tatu Baby. Sorry girl. If I was a judge… well that won’t happen. I would tear the scratchers a new asshole. I would go all Simon Cowell / Nick Bockwinkel on their ass. Tatu Baby was graceful in her loss.

For the finale, the three remaining artists got to do whatever they wanted. They had a total of 24 hours to do their “masterpieces.” Master work. Sheesh. They were each assigned their “master canvas.” Let’s just cut to the chase, because all the other stuff is just fluff. They brought back all the other contestants and Oliver told Jamie he doesn’t even deserve a tattoo. Well fucking said. Jamie you’re still a douche-bag and a fake to me. But that really doesn’t mean much since you’re all famous and shit. The “viewers” got to choose an artist that was eliminated this season to be a contestant on Season 3. They chose Tatu Baby. At least she has a little idea what to expect.

The three finalists came out on stage for the critique. Steve had a cool shirt on; Sarah got a push-up bra and a personal trainer, and Sebastian still needs to clean and cut his fingernails. Sebastian got popped for his weak line work on his zombie coming out of this lady’s back. He blamed it on the heal. In my experience, if the line is in there, it’s in there. I have not had any trouble with line work falling out if it is in there. Choad. Steve, of course did a huge back piece.

(Left to right: Tattoo by Sebastian Murphy. Tattoo by Steve Tefft.)

Sarah did two tattoos, one a Valkyrie and one of Odin. Sarah gave a black eye to the Valkyrie. When asked, she said that Valkyrie are fighters, that she has just been in battle and she is still standing and fighting. WRONG! Get your Norse mythology correct. The Valkyrie did not battle. Let me school you sister. When a battle is done, the Valkyries come and choose among the slain who will be led by them back to the Valhalla, and ruled over by Odin, the All-Father. Each of the warriors then becomes the Einherjer. They are lovers, not fighters. It sounds like she just made something up to explain the weird dark shading under one eye.

(Tattoos by Sarah Miller)

The winner of Ink Master was picked by tabulating the votes that were submitted through the website each week after the episode. Sebastian was the first to go because he got the least votes of any contestants. You still got beat out by a girl who has been tattooing a fraction of the time you have! Fucking loser. Down to Steve and Sarah. Drama, drama, drama, suspenseful music, pausing for effect, and low and behold, Steve Tefft is crowned Ink Master! Enough said.

Some parting words… If the public truly believes that the finalists and the winner are “ink masters,” tattooing in the eyes of the public is in a world of shit. Steve and Sarah are competent artists and have done some decent tattoos. There are tattoo artists / tattooists (take your pick on the term to use) who are eons ahead of these two. Some of this year’s judges would definitely fit in that category. The casting call for this show contacts many legitimate artists who turn down the offer to appear on the show because they have no need to prove themselves, and they have a life. Remember, the people who actually accept to appear are probably way down the list of potential contestants. The producers and casting directors pick who they pick for a reason: drama. Drama equals ratings. Otherwise, the show would not be one. I want to thank Tattoo Artist Magazine Blog for giving me this opportunity to masturbate in public.

I will be back in the near future with another blog post about something. Who knows what. Happy Holidays or as they say in Norway: God Jul!