Let's start this story in the most cheesy way possible. I met the most
wonderful person, call her M, close to two years ago and we fell in love. She
was beautiful and affectionate and caring and made me happy in more ways than
I really care to think about right now. And her tendency to get drunk and
start making out with her pseudo-lesbian friend wasn't a big issue. If I was
willing to be moderately tolerant, she knew what the bounds of decency were,
and everything worked out well.

So she made me happy for a year and a half, and then decided whe wanted to
go to Europe and be an exchange student for a term. She would we at home
for the summer before she left, which meant we wouldn't see each other for
six months. OK, what happens to us while you're in Europe? Well, she says, I'm
going to be surrounded by cute European boys, and you know the rest. I suppose
six months is a long time to be without someone. I guess it's justifiable.
Don't wait for me, she said. Okay, I guess I'm supposed to strike out on my
own again. How exciting.

Never mind the fact that, rather than being a cute accented foriegner looking
for a short-term fling, I'm here stuck at ______ Institute of Fucking Technology
with a social anxiety complex and a gender ratio badly skewed away from my
favor. It certainly doesn't seem fair, even if I tell myself that that
particular concept of "fair"-ness is a childish conceit that can only do me
harm in the long run. Fine. whatever. I love you, have fun getting laid
overseas. (Well, as long as we're keeping score on childish notions of
fairness, reports are that M is striking out in that department as well.)

Also, to be perfectly fair, (there's that word again,) M knew that I had trouble
meeting people, and tried to encourage me in the right direction, asking
indirect questions trying to find out who I was attracted to, (interestingly
enough, the question "Who are you attracted to?" was not one of the
ones she tried,) and then dropping gigantic hints like "I wonder who J
is going to sleep with when R's gone away.?"

This introduces two characters, J and R. J struck me as a very attractive,
very friendly, approachable person, and M was right in her guess that I
had some feelings for her. J was going out with R, who was an okay guy, and I
felt pretty happy for the two of them. I have nothing against R as he's a
fairly decent guy. But he always reminded me of the episode of the Simpsons
where Lisa reads the latest issue of "Non-Threatening Boys" magazine. R is the
archetypical Non-Threatening Boy, and as such, he tends to be clung to by a
bunch of women who in various ways all have the emotional sophistication of
fourth-graders.

That should have been warning enough, eh? R was going to go travel around
the world for a year, and then go to graduate school on the other side fo
the country. And if M was not the type to stick to a long-distance
relationship, J was certainly not -- that much should have been
obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes and ears.

So I started making a few cautious advances. Over the course of a week or
so, We exchanged backrubs, she let me play with her hair, she played with my
hair, invited me to sit down next to her and watch a movie while she held my
hand, tickled me, invited me into her room where she flirted with me until I
couldn't stand it any more and kissed her, and then we made out for a
while, until we fell asleep. The point being that I was not
merely tolerated but actively encouraged at every fucking step along the
way. I asked her about R and she told me what I wanted to hear -- she
didn't intend to merely sit around while he was off traveling the world.

And then she stopped acknowledging my presence. For the following week she
didn't say hello to me and didn't even look in my direction unless I tried
to initiate a conversation.

"Umm, are you busy? Because I think we need to talk."

I fucking hate that sentence. It's even worse being the one who has to say
it.

So what did I learn from our little talk?

J claimed to still be in love with R, and doesn't want to address the
"issues" that would be brought up if she initiated a relationship with
anyone else. For those of you keeping score at home, that's not what she
said last week, after she had, well, initiated a relationship. And I'm a
big sap, so rather than doing what I wanted to do, which was to grab her
by the shoulders and demand to know just what fucking kind of
passive-aggressive bullshit was going on here, I quietly explained in very
neutral and politically correct terms how I felt that she had
encouraged all my advances and how I was beginning to feel that I
was being led on, and quietly asked just what did she expect from me?

And then she started crying on me. Fuck.

Here's the point in the story when I shold start asking myself, are there any
life lessons to be learned from this?

Lesson number one is that there is a worse thing than dealing with
passive-aggressives, and that is when they try to apologize for it. Did I
say it was okay to go blubbery on my shoulder just now? Do you think that
makes me feel better?

Lesson number two is not to ignore the blindingly obvious. In this case the
blindingly obvious was that J is one of those women who don't know any way
to interact with men other than by hitting on them. Combine that with a
passive-aggressive disposition and you have a deadly combination.

Now like I said before, I'm a big ol' sap, so I said I would like to try
and be friends (despite what a hurtful bitch she had been). Which is true;
I'd rather have a friend with painful associations than no friend. But I'm
going to be pretty pissed for the next couple of days now, and I don't
know if I really want her coming to my door twice a day to ask if I'm all
right.

In related news, I've just this week gone from 1 pack/week to 1/2 pack/day.
And I had nearly quit when I was at home this summer. This seems like
a good enough time to cause myself some pain, maybe I'll try going cold
turkey for a while.

Really, who cares which particular piece of meat you're poking this week? It's not as if a real relationship is involved. All this is just teenage games about who scored more points. You need to grow up, the adult world works much differently. (Which will be a big, big shock when you graduate...)

You are now confronted with the different ways of getting over such childish emotional states like lovesickness and feeling abused and the likes.

Although nathan's proposal to memorize "The Waste Land" is quite an interesting option that will keep you busy for all the long nights you are alone in your bedroom, I'd recommend you the russian ways of curing: Just listen careful to tkachtev's elaborate analysis of women and you'll start to think different. (At least, it changed me.)
Furthermore, you might find it helpful to understand women's way of thinking (really, RobotSlave, I think it's brilliant!).

R is the archetypical Non-Threatening Boy, and as such, he tends to be clung to by a bunch of women who in various ways all have the emotional sophistication of fourth-graders.

As opposed to those who have the emotional sophistication of undergrads.

Also check out the list of cautious advances. They were all physical. Explain to me how any of this has to do with establishing a commitment with someone.

...that's not what she said last week, after she had, well, initiated a relationship.

You might as well say that Karenina "initiated a relationship" with Vronsky. What you mean is that you got physical. I guess that can be a point of departure, but for my money, that's why it's called "fooling around," or whatever.

Lesson number one is that there is a worse thing than dealing with passive-aggressives...

Klaxon. You need to realize that your own behaviour was only irreproachable on your terms. I mean, you show no sign of caring about her as anything other than sex partner. She starts crying into your arms and all you can do is think of yourself.

Apparently not, if she was willing to fucking walk away from a 1.5-year relationship. On the other hand, if that's something that makes sense to you, what kind of relationship did you have in the first place?

Look, I'm sorry to come off sounding like such a hardass, but serial monogamy is also called "playing it safe until you find an alternative." You couldn't really expect anything different.

Not that this is helping you feel better. I personally read the first five books of Augustine's Confessions when I'm feeling fucked over by life. It reminds me that we don't have a right to happiness, which is something that we can easily forget in this society...

i have a feeling we're talking about the same school here, and all i can say is... i feel your pain. the social situation was so strange there. i put up with it for 2 years, then had to leave. i don't care how prestigious the school is, it isn't worth wasting 5 years of my life being constantly unhappy. i made a change and i'm a happier person because of it (with a not-so-insignificant part of that being because i'm closer to those i care about). good luck to you.

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