Prem Watsa Dear Diary: ‘Humbug! to the ghost of Jim Balsillie’

The National Post re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. Today, Tristin Hopper looks at the week through the eyes of BlackBerry Ltd. bidder Prem Watsa:

Monday On a lark, I decided to drive to Waterloo and get a good look at the headquarters of what I suspect will one day turn out to be my most successful acquisition — BlackBerry Ltd. As I got closer, though, my GPS suddenly went dark. A few minutes later, the paved road ended and I found my path blocked by leather-clad highwaymen demanding tribute. Driving into the heart of the corporate campus, I saw filthy children playing among worthless stacks of BlackBerry Z10s, engineers huddled around barrel-fires stoked with PlayBooks, and wild-eyed preachers standing on street corners, hollering something about Steve Jobs being a false prophet. I attempted to approach BlackBerry’s front gates, but was headed off by a guard of shirtless men in war paint. The whole scene signalled uncertainty, clearly, but have I mentioned that BlackBerry carries no debt?

Tuesday Back in Toronto, I was just about to step through the front door of my office when a man in a tattered Research in Motion windbreaker ran at me, dropped to his knees and kissed my feet amid a flurry of Thank Yous. “Uh, much obliged,” I said, before adding that I had high hopes for the company’s future. The comment caused him to stare back at me, horror creeping into his sallow, sunken eyes. “Don’t you understand?” he screamed. “We have nothing! No ideas! No skunkworks! Most of us don’t even know how a touchscreen works! It’s magic, I tell you!” He collapsed into a heap, sobbing, so I gingerly stepped over him and went inside. I’m sensing that there is a morale problem at BlackBerry, but again, while the immediate future may look bleak, I make my investments for the long term.

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Wednesday One of my employees happened to bring the brand new iPhone to work, so I took a few minutes to fiddle with it over lunch. It’s got a slightly different design, it’s a bit faster, I guess, but really, it’s not that much different from last year’s model. Frankly, I can’t see what all the fuss is about. Just then, I heard screams from the boardroom as, once again, one of our BlackBerry Z10s rose into the air and began spinning wildly around the room, as if propelled by a poltergeist. We were able to call in a priest who had the thing exorcised after a couple hours, but I can certainly see how these types of glitches would sour people on the product. Still, iPhone can’t come close to matching the BlackBerry for encryption software.

Thursday I was startled awake at 3 a.m. by the sound of thunder crashing outside my window, and was immediately shocked to see the ghost of Jim Balsillie at the foot of bed, dragging a heavy chain. “Prem! Preeeem!” he howled. “BlackBerry now wears the chain I forged in life! Link by link and yard by yard, I dallied with hockey teams and think tanks while my corporate empire became complacent and uncompetitive! Don’t do as I have done!” “Humbug!” I cried at him, noting that he was not even dead yet. I’m beginning wonder if Jim really was the management whiz everyone says he was.

Friday With my $4.7-billion acquisition well underway, I drove to Waterloo for a meeting with senior management. Amazingly, the black haze that had previously blanketed the city’s commercial district was gone and I found the road lined with ecstatic locals who laid palm fronds in front of my car, crying “Hosanna! Hosanna!” Stepping out of the vehicle, I found the sick and the lame crowding around me, begging to be healed. Women thrust their babies and men thrust their BlackBerry Curves into my arms to be blessed. Of course was all very flattering and moving — which will make it that much harder when I eventually flip the whole shebang to Samsung.

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