Text

What Everyone is Bringing to Your Freshman Hall

By Caldwell Tanner and Susanna Wolff

What Everyone is Bringing to Your Freshman Hall
An Ancient Microwave - R
Image: girl holding super-old microwave
Who brought it: A girl who doesn’t mind if everything she owns smells like popcorn forever.
Why they brought it: Every member of her family has been cursed to take this microwave to college since her dad bought it in the early 70’s.
What else they brought: popcorn, Easy Mac, and enough accidental fire drills to last an entire year
Quote: “Let’s get some Pop Secret up in this BITCH!”
Overly Complex Door Decorations - L
Image: A sad-looking RA holding a big stack of decorations. The top one is a Kraken that says “House Deborah and Katie” on it.
Who brought it: Your RA
Why they brought it: It’s their job.
What else they brought: All six seasons of Lost if you ever wanna come over and watch it one weekend, no pressure though!
Quote: I’ll bet you guys didn’t even know this many House Sigils existed huh?
A Fake ID - R
Image: Clearly too young guy holding up a fake ID that reads “Older Brother’s ID”
Who brought it: Your new best friend.
Why they brought it: To make friends.
What else they brought: Impending Disappointment,
Quote: “Trust me, it’ll work!”
A Long Distance Boyfriend - L
Image: Girl with her finger in her ear at a party, trying to talk on the phone
Who brought it: The girl whose angry phone calls will be keeping you awake all year.
Why they brought it: Because they know it’s stupid but they really think they can make it work.
What else they brought: boyf’s favorite hoodie, an unlimited texting plan, and a rapidly disintegrating set of morals.
Quote: “Hold on, my boyfriend’s calling. I’ll be right back.”
A New Boyfriend - R
Image: Girl making out with guy at party
Who brought it: The girl whose oddly loud sex moans will also be keeping you awake all year.
Why they brought it: Because Sanders just DOESN’T understand her situation.
What else they brought: Another hoodie for her hoodie collection
Quote: “Mmmfmfmf” (make out noises)
ALL OF THE FACIAL HAIR - L
Image: A kid with straight-up the worse looking beard you’ve ever seen
Who brought it: A guy whose high school nickname was “Pimpley Steve.”
Why they brought it: The ability to grow a beard often precedes the maturity needed to know it’s a bad idea.
What else they brought: Mustache wax, zero razors.
Quote: “I’m sure it’ll even out by Christmas.”
Illness - R
Image: A sick-looking guy.
Who brought it: That guy with the weak immune system / beerpong table.
Why they brought it: Because they thought it was okay to drink the beer pong water cup.
What else they brought: Enough flu to go around.
Quote: “Don’t worry, I”m not contagious.”
THE WEIRDEST SMELL - L
Image: Guy on the ground pulling a carton of milk out from behind a bed.
Who brought it: Your roommate.
Why they brought it: They swear they didn’t.
What else they brought: Some sort of cottage cheese thing that will be in the fridge like all fucking semester.
Quote: “Whoa, how long has this been here?”