FA roll out new league format

The Premiership league table could soon take on a whole different shape if new FA proposals are passed. Plans have been announced to replace the traditional ‘league-ladder’ table with a large glutinous sphere, and match winners will be awarded weight instead of points.

FA spokesman David Davies told us, ‘The more wins a team clocks up, the more weight they’ll be awarded, and the best team will slowly sink into the centre of the sphere. Relegated teams will appear on the surface of the ball and will be shaved off at the end of the season.’

Davies also revealed that the awarding of the league championship will be signified with a huge golden eagle bursting out of the sphere on the final day of the season, carrying the badge of the winning side the length and breadth of Britain.

The new system has been created by a London-based consultancy firm, at a cost of four million pounds. The same firm were also recently behind the incorporation of pearly kings and queens into circuses, a move which has revitalised the dying cockney art-form.