Similar to the way I recommend in the TWEET model that you use Twitter to search for yourself, having a Google Alert for your own name is a smart way to see what slander or joy is being spread about you. Then, you can take matters into your own hands and either “mean tweet” the offender a la The Real Housewives of New York’s Kelly Bensimon or send them, with joy, free steak.

Today, I veered on the side of mean tweeting.

Then, however, I realized that the culprit of the slander was my own ugliness. Alas, mean tweeting myself seemed of little value. This is what my Google Alert pointed out — out an old video of me from BlogWorld 2010 with a hideous, frozen-in-time screenshot I want to vomit all over.

Honestly, objectively, and (I say this completely without personal bias) it looks like I’m chewing cud.

Yes, cud. Like a cow.

If I’m lucky (and, I usually am) the SEO ranking on this video is likely through the roof because of some black-hat (black-cloak? dark-cloak?) scheme I will never understand, and as a result every image search for my name from now until infinity will produce this result.

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If I’m lucky (and, I usually am) the SEO ranking on this video is likely through the roof because of some black-hat (black-cloak? dark-cloak?) scheme I will never understand, and as a result every image search for my name from now until infinity will produce this result.