Whi i won't bui an iPhone

Updated on July 13, 2008

iPhone... big deal. No thanks!

Gollygeewhillikers! The new iPhone is improved, costs less and is the ultimate bling accessory that you simply must flash at the corporate boardroom or night club otherwise be considered a retro throwback to the era of telephone operators with plug switchboards who probably has a pink 1961 Volkswagen Van parked out front, is wearing a 5 inch wide Peter Max tie, bellbottom tie dyed jeans, and thinks that email is when you notice that for the first time this month someone wrote you a letter. Eeeee! Mail!

So why would I rather light my BBQ with a couple of hundred dollar bills than buy an iPhone? Because it's all flash, no substance, and I need one as much as I need another hole in my head.

I have a cell phone. When I'm away from my desk and I actually want to be reachable, I even manage to turn it on. Most of the times that I'm not at my desk, people can just damn well email me. I'll reply promptly when I get back. I still don't understand why I have to sit there squinting at a tiny screen poking around with my thumbs when I can type over 90 wpm, so I don't text. It's inefficient and just a plain stupid way to communicate. If you haven't guessed that I don't firmly reside right smack dab in the middle of iPhone's ultimate demographic, you're not paying attention.

What is an iPhone good for? Not much. If I pay ten bucks to see a movie I want to experience it on a screen as wide as an airplane hangar, not a tiny credit-card sized piece of plastic. Same thing with web surfing. I'm saving my pennies to buy a ViewSonic 28" flatscreen for my desktop system. Why would I want to navigate around the web on something smaller than a playing card? Besides, even on the 3G network, connection speeds are sluglike as compared to my home ADSL.

I always know where I am and where I'm going, so for me GPS stands for Great Pointless System. I have an 8GB mp3 player and not only do I rarely use it since I can't stand pods in my ears, but I'll be damned if I have to go out and repurchase my entire music collection in Apple's proprietary format. Furthermore, why should I carry around this big, expensive, glossy brick when my cell phone is less than a third as big?

My fingers are the size of breakfast sausages. If I try to hit a tiny icon on the iPhone screen, I'm going to activate the other four around it. Besides, ask any lady you know with nice long fingernails if they can do anything with an iPhone at all. It seems that Mr. Jobs may be the last Chauvinist on Earth as his precious touch features can't be activated by ladies who have anything but close-cropped fingernails. Blatant discrimination!

But... oh yeah... it impresses the teenage chicks. Yeah. That's the reason to buy an iPhone: As Jailbait Bait.

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Comments 8 comments

Thanks! Now don't you DARE click on any of those links or the FTC might come after me for not having an official disclosure on this Hub and I could end up doing 20 years of hard time! :)

quicksand 7 years ago

We'll share the 20 years. I'll do 19.99437, and you serve the balance! After all it was I who clicked! :lol:

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Unfortunately, although I've had plenty of adventures in my life, being in jail has not been one of them. I strongly doubt I would survive the first night. So you'll have to do the whole 20 years. But I'll bring you a cake on visitor's day with a nice sharp file hidden in it! :)

quicksand 7 years ago

OK! I am quite used to it! On one occasion I mistook the file for a wafer and I ate it! Now I don't need iron tablets for the rest of my life!

The next time I wont. Agreed! ... but can I have the cake well in advance? ... without a file embedded in it? :)

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Oh, sorry about that! Next time we'll bring you a cake without anything but frosting on it, and we'll meet you in the yard with a helicopter and a long rope ladder! :)

quicksand 7 years ago

Wow! Just like in the James Bond movies! This is life! I'll start clicking straight away! Thanks a lot! :)

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Yes, I'll even have Q equip the helicopter with rocket boosters, stealth technology, and of course, a bar to serve vodka martinis shaken not stirred. :)