Month: August 2015

Hey y’all. So it’s WELL into 2015 and I’m just now getting around to Omega Prime. Recently, I’ve been seeing a lot of the Prime Family (good times). Optimus comes over to train for football with The Destroyer, so I get to hang with Mama Prime and Omega.

This kid. I’m pretty sure he’s like, thirty, but his body still thinks he’s nine. He is so much his own person it’s frightening. And I know it’s frightening because I have one of those and she terrifies me. Because, seriously, what can you do with a kid you can’t brainwash into being the perfect human being you could never be? Oh well, guess that’s why you have extras. (Looking at you, Kid Sensation.)

Real talk, Omega Prime makes my day on a regular basis. He always, ALWAYS checks out the oldest and most obscure books in the library. Books that say stuff like, “One day people will even have computers in their homes,” and “Negro running back and hero O.J. Simpson”. And he thoroughly enjoys them without giving one fig what anyone thinks.

He brought this toy out in public:

INAPPROPRIATE.

The other day I asked him if he’s gotten his stuff for school yet. Now, most kids I know would give me a “not yet” or a “ My mom said we’re going this weekend.” Omega Prime looks me dead in the eye—while sitting right next to his mother, mind you—and says, “Nope. Nothin’.” And that was it. End of sentence, end of explanation. Like, “Nope. My parents obviously don’t care about my education OR the state of my clothing and quite frankly it was a bit classless of you to bring it up.” Welp, put me in my place, didn’t he? (Also, I happen to know the Primes care quite a bit about education. Mama Prime is a teacher, for goodness’ sake. She educates other people’s kids. On purpose. And her kids don’t look like they wandered in from a hobo camp. Again, looking at you, Kid Sensation.)

I’m pretty sure Omega’s mission in life is to make sure Optimus knows exactly what he thinks of everything he does and says. While I know he looks up to his big brother, I have to admit: I’ve never seen anyone shake their head at one person so much.

He knows how to raise his eyebrows with impeccable comedic timing, like a freaking Marx brother. And I doubt he even knows he’s doing it.

He said, and I quote, “They hate us cause they ain’t us.” And meant it.

So, I’ve done what any parent would do. I’ve conspired with Mama Prime to have Omega marry Wondergirl. That way I’ll have in-laws I like, gorgeous grandchildren, and get to benefit from their complete world domination. I fully expect them to send their respective mothers on luxury cruises wearing lots of diamonds. It’s the least they could do.

Hey folks! Not much going on here, which is why I jump on the interwebs to look at other people’s lives and judge them. (Don’t judge me.) I had a single friend over, and we talked about those people, but we talked about ourselves, as well. She made me very glad I will never have to date again. “But Vida,” you ask, “What if something happens to the Big Man?” Nope. Not even then. I am never letting anyone else do this love thing to me again. Never.

Since I never have to date again, I get to make fun of the whole scene. Aw, come on. It’ll be fun. It’s a list of guys I would never date. FUN, I said.

Skeletor: One thing Skeletor’s got in his favor is that he’s pretty ripped for a skeleton. Seriously, check out the quads on this guy. Also, he’s a homeowner and I like his house. And even though I’m not really a cat person, I feel like Panthor and I would get along okay. He also has this wicked bad chair made of bones and such. Which goes perfectly with the theme in my house of whatever-the-Destroyer-hasn’t wrecked-yet chic.

I don’t think that I would like his friends though, Beastman looks like he smells and sheds and I’m pretty sure Evil-Lyn would always be trying to break us up. Then there’s his obsession with ruling Eternia which means we’d always be dealing with He-Man, who’s smug and insufferable and makes his cat wear a helmet. Oh, and he has no face, soooo…no kissing. Deal-breaker.

I could work with this.

Danzig: Welp, he’s famous. He can sing. Everyone in America and probably Mexico knows the words to “Mother”. (Probably through karaoke, but still.) Maybe Canada, too, but I doubt it. He can get into a confrontation for you pretty much anywhere and he’ll totally win. Or get knocked out. Oh, and Misfits T-shirts are cool. Best of all, he was on Aqua Teen Hunger Force as himself.

But his name’s Glenn. GLENN. Name the last Glenn you liked. Or who wasn’t an undercover, if not overt, douchebag. I’ll wait. Nope, time’s up and you couldn’t think of one. Also, who gets punched in the face and tells people they “allowed” said puncher to do the punching? Someone named Glenn, that’s who. Guaranteed, if you went on a date with Danzig and then you decided it didn’t work, he’d tell everyone he “allowed” you to say he was a tool. And who does that? And why, for the love of Batman, won’t he get a haircut and stop dying it Sharpie black?

Wolverine: He’s good looking. He’s got great hair. He has superhuman healing abilities so then only I would have to have health insurance. Since I’m not a mutant, I’m not sure if we could both live at the Xavier Institute, but if we could that would be awesome.

Especially considering that, X-Men stuff aside, I’m pretty sure Wolverine is perpetually unemployed. I know he was a lumberjack in the movie, but that doesn’t count. Also, he has anger issues that directly correspond with adamantium claws appearing from his knuckles. That concerns me. Oh, and he’s like one inch taller than I am, and I am extremely heightist. And he’s Canadian, so he doesn’tknow the words to “Mother”.