I almost have no words for the dysfunction of last night’s Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Stassi Schroeder is aging in reverse. Not in that ‘she looks fabulous way’ of Lisa Vanderpump, but of the OMG – is she really throwing a toddler temper tantrum at her own birthday party. I think I read a Berenstain Bears book about that called “Too Much Birthday.”

Could Stassi and Ariana Madix buy a 2-for-1 therapy session on Groupon? Or maybe Jax Taylor‘s reiki healer can mend the hole in Stassi’s forehead by using her calming touch to transforms it into a halo of happiness. Is that medically possible? Jax and Stassi can skip off into the sunset together happy, at peace, alive! Kristen Doute would lose her soulmate.

So, Stassi and Ariana share a birthday. It seems like this weird astrological coincidence should be the only thing they have in common, but it turns out that they also share a love of sulky petulance. Of course two queen bees can’t also share birthday parties. So, Ariana threw party celebrating her queenly presence here on her earth, and Stassi had a party rejoicing over all the souls she’s killed with her tyranny. Oh, and Patrick. Stassi’s “dead woman walking” party was actually because Stassi is turning 29 and celebrating the death of her 20’s. I’ll give her points for being inventive!

Except Stassithought she was playing queen of the dead, but really she’s queen of the damned.

What Stassi really wants – demands – for her birthday is for everyone to bow down and kiss her decaying toes while reassuring her that yes, she is still the queen of their hearts – even if half her guts have been eroded by alcohol and are now hanging out of her princess-y tunic tops. Meanwhile Ariana is fine with knowing that she is the unequivocal queen – certainly of Tom 1‘s heart at least.

Does anyone else just not really get what is going on between Ariana and Tom? Whatever it was, it took approximately one costume party and a couple shots to sort through. Oh, and one effective therapist – unlike the ones Jax seems to find! Ariana is so not into sex and the word “vagina” gives her the vapors like this is 1900. She blames her own body insecurities and previously being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a partner who also exploited her dependence on him. She thought she was hooking up with this guy but he wanted more, and offered to help support her, but it became incredibly toxic. She escaped into Tom’s arms, but after an initial hot period she is once again disgusted by her body and by sex. Yet she is not turned off by Tom. She is still supremely attracted to his effervescent beauty routine!

This is all very confusing, because the very next scene featured Ariana wearing a plunging thong swimsuit and seeming not self-critical or insecure in the least! BUT (literally) at least she is seeking help! Ariana sees a therapist and is raw and honest. She also praises Tom for being so supportive.

Taking a break from all this emotional baggage. Well, kinda. It’s once again time for World Dog Day, the defining event of James Kennedy‘s career. Who can forget the lost Mickey Mouse key which he miraculously reunited with its owner using the power of his microphone?!

Lisa and Ken have everyone over for a planning session and since he has nothing better to do, Tom 2 is there. Maybe he’s on pooper scooper duty? Lisa wants to make sure everyone is involved… everyone except Jax! Lisa pulls Brittany Cartwright aside to lecture her on Jax’s reprehensible selfishness in being late to last week’s Beverly Hills Lifestyle party. It seems ridiculous that Lisa would be telling Brittany all of this? Why? Can’t she send Jax a text like ‘Yo Dude, so sick of your disrespectful, trifling ways so you’re banned from World Dog Day!” Essentially Jax is banned until he grovels for forgiveness. Well, now Jax finally has time to schedule those haircuts. Or get more reiki treatments…

Does anyone actually believe Jax is sad to be missing a dog party? Maybe – after all he’s a dirty dog and there will be plenty of bitches. (I’ll be here all weeks folks!).

While Ariana is trying to fix her self-esteem, Stassi is dead inside and doesn’t care. She has descended down a deep dark hole in which Patrick’s douchey opinion of her is everything. I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: Stassi depressed me last night. Not even in a snarky way, but legitimate I feel sorry for her. There she was going on and on about her ‘Day of the dead’ party, but it was really a party for Patrick’s approval. Most recently in their dead/alive relationship Patrick blocked Stassi the entire time he was in Amsterdam. Supposedly traveling alone.

Stassi explains that Patrick rejected her sexting overtures which resulted in a fight and she threatened to go sleep with someone else, so he blocked her. Maybe he was too cheap to pay for the international phone plan? Because once he was back on domestic soil they are tentatively back on.

Ariana’s birthday begins with Tom cooking a delicious breakfast (seriously – I’d sleep with Tom for that spread! #Call me). Their serious relationship talk turns gorier than a Bloody Mary when Ariana tries to describe why she’s no longer interested in sex and Tom counters that he’s not buying that she’s lost the ability to have orgasms. What it all really comes down to is that Ariana feels disconnected from Tom because he’s too busy doing other things. Like lurking around strip clubs and abandoned buildings with Tom 2, or dressing triplets. Ariana’s love language is time spent. Tom 1’s is ummm… Tom 2?

Tom 1 also shows his love with costumes! Very elaborate costumes. If turning into a different person is what it takes for Tom 1 to love his lady, maybe his buddies should take heed?

Tom and Ariana’s talk was certainly more productive than Stassi’s drunken warbling to Patrick. Likewise Ariana’s party is much more alive. Stassi’s party is pretty much dead on arrival. She was so worried about Patrick, she couldn’t have fun. Even with her sexy corpse makeup and sparkly party dress. Stassi’s look was just died 5 minutes ago. Or like she was taxidermied.)

Patrick and Stassi do not come to the party together. She actually worries he might not show up. But he finally arrives wearing what looks like a one of Kyle Richard‘s kaftans – some long slouchy burka-looking t-shirt with tails. And no thematic makeup. It was still better than Katie’s grandma at the funeral dress!

While Stassi skitters around making sure everyone is properly idolizing Patrick, Katie makes friends with a stripper. More precisely Stassi ‘randomly’ ran into the stripper they had for Katie’s bachelorette party and invited her to the party. Katie didn’t get the memo that Arielle was there as a guest, not hired entertainment and tried reviving Stassi’s dying event with butt shots and splits on the bar. And Stassi spazzed.

Strippers are not Stassi’s thing! Having fun in front of Patrick is not Stassi’s thing! Being alive in the world behaving like a functioning adult is not Stassi’s thing! Stassi literally runs out of the party whining and shrieking that Katie and Kristen are ruining her party and they chase after her. On a street corner Stassi berates them for their trashy behavior. Oh, and for talking to Patrick apparently. Stassi literally screams, “It’s my birthday!” Which is a scene we’ve seen before. Many times. When Katie and Kristen can’t properly assuage her ego, Stassi takes of running down the street alone. Stiffing her friends with an almost $2k bar tab! Which Katie paid. Girl… this is why she’s still your friend, because you continuously let her use and abuse you!

Stassi can’t have fun when Patrick isn’t there, and she can’t have fun when he is there. She’s seized by crippling anxiety that someone will do something embarrassing in his presence; only cured, apparently, by mixing tons of booze with Aderall. Stassi blames her princess tantrum on getting “really f–ked up” mixing the two. You know, I just don’t find it endearing or funny to brag about abusing prescription drugs. It’s just gross.

Patrick also spent the entire evening subtly mocking Stassi and their so-called relationship. He enjoys keeping her pinned under his man bun or something. I do not see the appeal of him (or her), but his calculatingly rude comments and the way she constantly defends him and obsesses over him makes me feel genuinely sad for her. I hope she gets some therapy – and not just unregulated therapeutic drugs. (Hint: Adderall is supposed to make you more in control of your behaviors — if you need it…).

Meanwhile at Ariana’s party everyone came dressed to the nines and in great spirits. Seriously everybody looked great, and had fun. Ariana and Tom had a tipsy heart-to-heart about how crowns are the ultimate aphrodisiac and how they both need and love each other. It was very sweet. They go home to have royal sexy times. Let’s hope Ariana didn’t run screaming at the sight of her own vagina, following Stassi into the night.

Well, Billie Lee prayed for Ariana to get laid, and it appears her wish was granted! She must have the magic healing touch – so badly needed around these parts!

The next day at World Dog Day, Ariana and Tom are reconnected and cuddly, but Stassi is nowhere to be seen. She, like Jax, is absent – and no one really minds! Is it a requirement to own a dog if you are on this show? Does James have one or is that too much responsibility to take-on with his constantly in-demand luminous DJ career?

After Brittany’s dog wins the puppy pageant, Lisa sits her down to find out if Jax is planning to apologize. He’s not. Brittany is withholding sandwiches until he does, though! Yep, she’s really putting her foot down and keeping him on a tight leash now.