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Updated on
October 27, 2010,
R.G.
asks from
San Clemente, CA
on
October 23, 2010

Anger Management? - San Clemente,CA

I think I have a problem controlling my anger sometimes! Just the slightest thing can set me off into infuriation!!! I have NOT always been like this.. I think it started when my husband and I gained custody of my 2 neices.. at first I felt sorry for them so I was overly loving and giving.. then they seemed to be spoiled and unthankful, my husband and I started having problems and now it seems I am bitter! I am 6 months pregnant and need to control my anger before my child gets here! I DO NOT want to be so condesending and bitter!! What are some ways to help me not want to RIP heads off in the middle of a 5 year old melt down cuz she is BEYOND tired or when my 9 year old neice is asking me a million questions and I just want peace and quiet!!!?? HELP!

More Answers

T.M.
answers from
Bakersfield
on
October 23, 2010

The fact that you actually realize you are having anger issues means that your problem is about 75% solved already ;)
You just gotta put yourself in check, take a breath, ask yourself if getting mad, upset, mean or whatever is gonna make you feel better? I'm sure the answer will be NO.
I'd sit the 9 yr old niece down and have a woman to woman talk with her... she can be your best ally since she's 9 and can be very useful to you. Treat her like a big girl, and then expect big girl behavior from her.
You coddled them a bit too much in the beginning maybe, but it is not too late to change the game plan. They live in your home, you are the acting parentals.... so parent them, dont cripple them by treating them differently out of pity.
Everyone should have their chores and you should have your quiet time for yourself every day. I used to call it "my hour of silence". And everyone knew to leave me alone and not ask me anything for an entire hour.
You are hormonal, that's part of the 25% left in your anger problem.
You will be okay, just get a grip.... have a cup of tea. Stress rubs off on everyone in the household, don't be contagious.

I respect you for seeing that you have a problem with anger and that you want to get help. You are brave to post this. I hope that you only get positive responses.
I wish you the best in everything you want to do.
Love all over your husband ( he needs it ) and it will make you and your baby feel wonderful.

Some women get a version of depression (like PPD) DURING their pregnancies (like me'self). Others descend into wrath and rage. MOST get the happy/glowy thing. SO didn't get that. I was suicidal from around 5pm-6pm for 9 months. Every single flipping day. (In our family, it's actually called "the suicide hours"... the point that arrives each and every single durn day where you just want to die. I didn't know this wasn't common outside my family until later OR that there are antidepressants which are safe to take during pregnancy... which could have evened me out).

Hormones are big scary heavy hitting things. They can cause murderous or suicidal mood swings which are NO joke. The whole "get over it" or "just take a breath" thing just doesn't work, because your brain chemistry is seriously screwed up for no other reason *except* for your hormones being wonky.

Talk with your doc. You may have a VERY easy fix for your sudden onset rage.

And yes... the MOMENT my son was born I started feeling like MYSELF again. Untold, unimaginable relief. Each and every single day that passed, more and more like myself. Until I was actually ME again. (Day one was about a 70% difference, and then it just creeped after that).

Looking at it that way... I'd far rather have pregnancy induced depression, rather than PPD. PPD has no definable end in sight, and it can last for as little as a few months up to a couple of years. The much more rare kind that strikes during pregnancy, however, has a real definable "end" date.

Talk with your doctor, pronto. You and your family don't have to be suffering through dangerous rage or depression.

You are not alone. Your doctor can help you and it will make life a lot easier. It is a perfect time now to get the whole family on a schedule and routine with chores and helping you out before the baby gets here. It will also make life a lot more managable for you. I am sure some of it is hormonal, however, you have a full plate. You sound like a wonderful person, taking on other people kids to raise them is a huge job and not always convenient. You and your hubby need date nights, embrace this time while you are pregnant with your first and make sure you take care of yourself also. Things will get better.

Oh Sweetie, my heart goes out to you. I went through similar feelings when in the grip of depression....I couldn't control my rage. Your resentments are eating a hole in your heart and you are a step ahead because you recognize it. Honestly, what helped me the most was the AA serenity prayer! "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

You have an image of what you thought you life would be with your baby and now there is the "intrusion" of these two girls into what you thought would be your life with YOUR baby.....try to remember that these girls didn't want to be where they are any more than you did - they are victims of the circumstances of life. You need a safe place to vent your anger and resentment so that you don't either dump it on your husband or thrust it at those two little kids (who are ill equipped to deal with it at all). Vent it to someone who is NOT involved and then let it go.......

Hi R.,
You seem to be in a very difficult situation. My sister is in a very similar situation and eventhough she and her husband have extensive backgrounds with troubeled children, it can still be difficult. You are NOT the only foster parent having a hard time. You are doing a wonderful thing by giving those girls a safe place to be while they also go through such a difficult situation.
Since your girls have a social worker, my suggestion is you ask her about a support group for you. Do the girls have counseling to help them through all this. I imagine they are also feeling very angry and bitter but do not have the coping skills necessary or the words to verbalize their feelings. Family sessions with them might also be a good idea since you will be integrating a new baby and that could make them feel more insecure and displaced than ever. They might even be harboring secret fears there will no longer have a place with you.
Meanwhile, find some time just for you. Whether it's 30 min for yoga, a walk or listening for music, it is essential you take care of yourself. Equally important is to also find some time to reconnect with your hubby at the end of the day to look forward to the new baby. You oth deserve that.
When you find yourself running out of patience model walking away, taking a minute and returning to calmly address the situation. Concentrate on positive attention so you can foster more of it. When you tuck the girls in at night make a point of remembering ONE good thing that happened during the day and how much you want to have an even better day tomorrow, even if the day was miserable.
Don't be embarrased or feel guilty about your frustrations and anger. You can feel all that and still love those girls and do what is best for them. All parents feel it. Good luck!
A.

Talk to your doctor. When I was pregnant with my 2nd son I literally got so outraged with my husband and the 1st boy I left them at Target and called them a cab to get home because I didn't want them around me at all. Needless to say I ended up going back and getting them. I don't think my husband talked to me for a week though. The next day I went straight to my doctor because it wasn't the first time it happened. I got in my car one night and just drove around for a few hours just trying to clear my head. Most of it was because I wasn't getting any help at home from dad. And my son was not on a schedule. My doctor did not prescribe me anything, instead he told me to get my son on a schedule and get my husband to do his own chores. Well the only way he would go to sleep early was if he slept with me. and my husbands side of the closet got clearer and clearer because each time he'd leave his clothes where ever they went in the trash. You are more than likely experiencing alot of hormonal imbalance on top of not getting a lot of help at home. Get the girls on a schedule NOW. Don't wait tell your husband to help with that and all the other chores. Kicking them out of the house is only temporary :)lol...j/k.... See if your doctor can put you on a low dose of an antidepressant. Hang in there... good luck and congrats with the baby.

The child rearing years are VERY VERY short (even if they're not your own), there will never be another chance at childhood for those in your charge. You WILL make it great for them, cause you HAVE to!

Then when they're gone (in a flash of light), you will take a breath lean back and admire your work!

If you're knowing you need to control that short fuse, there is great hope for you, I even hear some humor in your post.

(btw, it's ok and actually important that you RIP faces off from time to time, it is NORMAL for heads to be rolling, teehehe, you're POINT will be well taken, as long as you LOVE them with the same amount of passion, and I think you do!)

Hello, Just remember that you need time to yourself. They are just being kids and I know that sounds like I'm blaming you. I'm not. Really, you need time to yourself and they are being kids. When you need a break, tell them that and tell them that they need to take care of their own situations for a little while. When you feel more calm, go and see how you can help them. They are probably going through a lot of feelings themselves.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

R., congratulations! First on taking in someone else's children and second for knowing you need some help, recognition is huge. Now you only gave part of the story about how you got custody...is there more stress financially? Are their parents in that picture at all? Was it a tragedy why you have them? There are so many questions just about that. THEN add that to the fact that basically, one day, 2 kids showed up on your doorstep. You did not get them from birth...you did not get the chance to grow with them, and adjust to them. You didn't get to nurture them the way you want. You didn't get to mold them and shape them to your morals and ideals. Poof, they were just there. That in itself is very stressful. THEN you are pregnant...with your own hormonal stuff going on. WOW. Of course you are a bit "edgy".

There are so many details missing, maybe answering some questions for yourself will help you figure it out.

1. Why is the 5 year old beyond tired? Are your routines out of whack? Do you have routines? Is there other chaos going on that she can't handle? Is she sad, tired, overwhelmed?
2. Why is the 9 year old asking a million questions? Is she afraid? Alone? Curious? Sad? Excited?
3. When do you have your "peace and quiet time" scheduled? You should have a time of day that you "need it most" and you set the boundaries. Maybe you go for a walk, a drive, or even you just get to lock yourself in your room for 30 - 60 mins. Whatever you need.
4. Why are you bitter? Do you feel that you have been taken advantage of? Do you feel unappreciated? Do you feel overwhelmed? Again, what are you doing to recharge R.'s batteries?
5. How can you get help from those around you? Your husband? Family? Friends? Can you "job swap"? You know, someone takes the kids from you for a while and then another day you take theirs to give them a break.

R., I don't know what is going on, only you can answer that question. Sit back, and breathe. Figure out what you need then ask for it. Coming here what the first step, but we don't live with you. All we can do is sympathize with your situation and honour you from afar. You must get people in your life involved. You already know what you DON'T want, so now start asking people in you life for what you do what.

First of all, you are pregnant so your hormones are off the wall! When I was pregnant I was borderline crazy. I was so sensitive and certain things really really bothered me, caffeine also makes me tense so these are two things to consider. I am not saying that there are no underlying real issues that is really upsetting you, sounds like there may be issues with you feeling not appreciated and that needs to be addressed, but I know when I was pregnant my degree of sensitivity was very very very high.