Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Paring Down: Less Is More (Expensive)

You know those pleasant moments of reflection when you're riding a bike and you think to yourself, "Hey, life is actually pretty darned good"? Well, it isn't. Actually, your life is falling apart. And you're falling apart. For one thing, you probably have too much stuff:

Yes, as a reader informs me, people who write for newspapers continue to discover and be seduced by the pseudo-philosophy of "minimalism:"

When a man named Andrew Hyde began an adventure in minimalism, he only owned 15 things. It eventually moved to 39 and now it sits around 60. It all started when he decided to take a trip around the world and sell everything he didn’t need. As Mr. Hyde noted on his blog, it changed his life after a brief period of befuddlement:

I’m so confused by this. When we were growing up, didn’t we all have the goal of a huge house full of things? I found a far more quality life by rejecting things as a gauge of success.

Actually, I didn't have the goal of a huge house full of things. It just so happens my goal was to become a fakir and live in a cave suspended by flesh hooks. In fact, I actually did live in a cave suspended by flesh hooks for a time, but I got tired of having to swing pendulum-like every time I wanted something out of the fridge, and so I finally caved (that's a little fakir humor) and bought a sofa. Anyway, what's so impressive about "only" having 60 things? That's actually a lot of things. You could have 30 tuxedos, 20 Mercedes Benzes, and five solid-gold toilets, and you're still coming in at well under 60 things. Most revealing though was this sentence:

I found a far more quality life by rejecting things as a gauge of success.

When I came across his original story of only owning 15 items, I was so inspired I immediately went home and found 15 things to give away. Most of these things were clothes that I had long since stopped wearing, but I held on them because . . . well, just because. In fact I have no idea why I still had a tie I hadn’t worn in four years or a shirt that no longer fit.

He may have no idea why he had a shirt that no longer fit, but to me the reason is obvious: he got fatter. Sometimes having a bunch of clothes you never wear isn't a sign that you need to become a minimalist. Sometimes it just means you need more exercise.

In any case, your life is falling apart because you have too much stuff, and you're falling apart because, as another reader informs me, you're drinking crappy ice:

No, it’s not because water is getting scarce, it’s because Haute ice often takes more time to make than the finished drink. A top San Francisco pub built a cocktail using 18-year old single malt scotch and slow melting Glace Luxury Ice crafted from bubble-free, double distilled water.

Shocked and appalled that I've been drinking sub-par solid-state water, I visited the website of the Gläce Luxury Ice Co., which I hope is an elaborate hoax:

Here's what I learned:

Gläce is a meticulously designed and differentiated drink-ice product. A 'perfectly spherical', 2.5" diameter ice product designed to occupy the top position in the premium ice market. The presence of minerals, additives and other pollutants found in artesian sources may contaminate the taste of premium liquors and drinks. That's why Gläce is made with purified water to ensure its tasteless quality.

I had no idea there even was a "premium ice market," which shows you what a rube I am. Foolishly, I'd just been using an ice recipe that's been in my family for generations. Here's that recipe if you want it:

--Water
--Coldness
--Time

You can also add a little cream cheese for texture. But use the homemade stuff at your own risk, because bootleg ice is liable to give you cancer:

Traditional machine-ice, generally made with local tap water, can contain upwards of 150 impurities and carcinogens, resulting in poor tasting and potentially unhealthy ice. In contrast, Gläce Ice is an engineered product protected in a resealable package, ensuring a sanitary chain of custody from origin to enjoyment. As a premium, branded product, Gläce Ice provides a unique, consistent experience for the consumer who demands the best.

That's why I went ahead and ordered 50 spheres of premium ice product for the low price of $325:

Scoff if you will, but Gläce is the Chris King headset of ice--if Chris King headsets were made of frozen water and melted at room temperature.

And you don't have to take my word for it--just listen to this douchebag who's quoted on their website:

Gläce “is an amazing product for me,” said Jeff Carrillo, of Los Angeles, with respect to marketing his high-end water to celebrities. Ed Hardy Structured Water offers a better taste and morehealth benefits than other stuff you would pour into your glass, Carrillo said. And Sequeira’s luxury ice helps Carrillo make the point, when he’s pouring his water at a celebrity party, that his isn’t your average agua.“It’s the best invention ever,” Carrillo said. “Roberto is so smart. It’s like, whoever thought you could make ice better?”

Ed Hardy structured water is natural alkalized calcium ionized living water and is treated with reverse osmosis for maximum purity as well as infra-red stimulation and electromagnetism to create the best (+) positively charged hexagonally shaped structured water ever. By using their proprietary technology they are able to break up the larger molecules into smaller hexagonally shaped and now STRUCTURED MOLECULES, which are much more easily absorbed by the cells inside our bodies. The absorption rate of hexagonally shaped structured water molecules is a much as four (4) times more efficient than water that is not structured, which enables you to drink less water while achieving hydration faster and more efficiently. Whether young or old, professional athlete or common everyday person, everybody can benefit from Ed hardy Structured Water, which was created with some of the most important ingredients of all: lots and lots of love, care and positive energy.

You'll be happy to know my toilet is running entirely on natural akalized calcium ionized living water that has been treated with reverse osmosis now. If flushes like a dream, and every bathroom visit is like relieving yourself into the mouth of an angel.

FACT IS 11R CARBONWHAT High-modulus carbon aero frame utilizing our most advanced carbon construction method.WHY Gives the Venge the best Complete Performance package of light weight, stiffness, and aerodynamics.HOW Each tube and junction has been optimized for maximum stiffness and minimum weight, while maintaining aerodynamic advantage. For instance, head tube assembly is extra wide at crown for increased stiffness but remains narrow at the waist and tapers quickly to airfoil shape for weight savings and aero advantage. And, we employed stiffening plies of our highest modulus carbon in strategic areas throughout the front triangle to further increase torsional stiffness.

In case you're unfamiliar with cycling jargon, "optimized" is another way of saying "put together." For example, here is a bicycle with tubing that has been "optimized:"

Patrick was speeding eastbound in the 700 block of East 13th Street when he ran the stop sign at Arlington Avenue, swerved and struck a male victim riding his bicycle on the north side of the street, according to the arrest affidavit.Patrick then backed the van up to where the victim was on the ground, got out of the vehicle and approached the victim, the affidavit says.The victim thought Patrick was going to help him when he saw him get out of the van, the affidavit says. Instead, Patrick picked up the broken bicycle and threw it back down on the victim, the affidavit says.Patrick then punched the victim in the face, kicked him once and drove off, the affidavit says.Fortunately it happened in Iowa, because if this were New York City the cyclist would have been ticketed for bleeding on the sidewalk.

Meanwhile, the industrious people of Portland have come up with a new way to quantify their smugness:

then this (http://bit.ly/3uYkaJ) must be the haute-est ice around, although these hipster scientists prefer the core over the sphere.

i wonder how much a tube of this costs? and how many drinks could a mixologist curate from a single core? fuck. i'm on it. i am moving to los angeles and opening a artisan drinking establishment in just a minute. i will call it: the mioscene. look for my kickstarter soon.

CommieCo has been selling a similar product for years, it's a hydrogen oxide solid that mysteriously turns to liquid at room temperature, yet can be taken internally. When used with the Q-Ray bracelet, it can cure erectile dysfunction (the label has a picture of Asa Akira foffing off).

In short, there is no shortage of ideas for getting money out of fucking idiots.

In taking Friday's quiz, I came across the post for Stanley Wiggin's bike sale. I'm pretty sure that isn't ol' Stan's chariot, because he rides an O-Symmetric chain ring. Anyone that has ever watched a OLN/Versus/NBC Sports broadcast would have surely heard the old British chaps talk about his unique chain ring at some point. Check it out: http://velonews.competitor.com/2012/07/news/tour-pro-bike-bradley-wiggins-pinarello-dogma2-a-bike-that-flies_230060 .

Interestingly enough, only a little over 100 years ago ice itself was considered a luxury, especially during the summer months.

Until home refrigeration and before that commercial refridgeration were invented, we had to rely on mother nature for our ice. Huge amounts of ice were cut from ponds and lakes in Northern climates during the winter, packed with sawdust, transported to cities and stored in ice houses to be used as long as it would last. Taking this into account, you can imagine how costly ice was to purchase. In the southern U.S. and the tropics, you could be born, live your life and die without ever having consumed a drink with ice cubes in it.

A great-great grand uncle of mine actually started a business to ship and store ice in Florida, but it failed with the invention of commercial refrigeration.

Would anyone like to join me in a new venture? Using only traditional methods, I would like to hand select the finest materials, optimized for their coveted individual characteristics, to carefully curate an Art-is-Anal Super Laser. The Super Laser will be used for the complete annihilation of any new company, business, or collective that: curates, hand selects, optimizes the finest materials, crafts in a traditional method, or produces anything artisanal.

Wow, I'm still amazed that you can just outright fuckin LIE like that now. (Ed Hardy) The only way they could possibly improve on it would be to claim it's processed with zabtoids from Rigel 4 and will let you quench FUTURE thirsts.

The irony about the very expensive ice in the whisky, as we Scots know, is that malt whisky tastes far better slightly warm and consequently shouldn't ever have ice added. If you're going to be picky about what you put in it, insist that the few splashes of water come from the same Scottish region where the whisky was distilled.

You're missing the legal fine point in that bike throwing, WRM. It's not an Iowa vs. NYC thing.

You see, as soon as the van driver got out of his vehicle he lost his privileged status as a driver. He was down to pedestrian level off the bat, but when he laid hands on his victim's bike to throw it he became equivalent to a cyclist in the eyes of God and God's America, and thus criminally liable for anything at any time.

A good lawyer could have told him to just stay in the van and finish the job by backing over the cyclist.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/12/ironman-athlete-dies-hudson-river-swim_n_1769915.html -H20 themed post deserves ironman2012NYC tridork's lack of swimming skills.I feel bad for jabbing at the death,I'm not the best swimmer my self. Those feet kicked in your face and unsanitary water does take it's toll. THat'S hard price to pay for being type A personality.

For a second I thought the chain had been crossed to create a "reverse 20-speed." Its the new singlespeed don't-ya-know.

The Ed Hardy faux-chemistry can only be described as fraud. Or perhaps as one of the most masterful trolling efforts ever "curated." I defy anyone with even the most basic understanding of chemistry to read it without twitching.

Furthermore, that description of what crabon they use around the headtube had echoes of the old Kraft process cheese commercial where Mr. Kraft finds out that one of his junior employees did not use "our best cheese".

Snob, you fool. Your familys ice recipe is so out dated.In my family we have curated "slöw freeze" for years. The point is to freeze the wäter slowly in an +1 C (34 F)environment.10 years on, we are still waiting for our supreme ice.

Re: twice padlocked chain bike. That's pretty spendy looking wheel for a '70s AMF/Huffy/whatever frame. Fortunately, there is no tool on earth that can break that chain so the quick-release wheel can be easily dropped out of the frame.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!