B-A-N-A-N-A-S: Penguins 1, Blackhawks 10 (Not a Typo)

Those of us who settled in to watch the Blackhawks’ home opener and usher in another season were expecting a spirited game between the defending Stanley Cup champs and a reconfigured Hawks roster. What we got was SJLFDKASKJLDFLKJSAD;F;LKJASDFKLJ (this is how my educated brain registered the game).

Let’s break down the game, shall we? (YES LET’S DO THIS OMG OMG OMG)

The Penguins had former Hawks goalie and darling of the 2010 Stanley Cup Final Antti Niemi in net. Frankly, I’d forgotten that they’d signed him, but it didn’t matter. He should’ve known things would go south when he tripped coming out to the bench. It was like an omen.

SO, first period. Shall we talk about the four goals that happened in three minutes? Two of them came from Brandon Saad, he who has returned to Chicago. There was also one from Nick Schmaltz and another from Ryan Hartman, both of which came from passes from new linemate Patrick Kane. One more goal came from Patrick Sharp, he who has also returned to Chicago. Yes, you’re reading that right – FIVE goals in the first period. (FIVE GOALS I CANNOT PLS HELP OMG)

While we’re talking about that period, I’ll point out that Kane’s clicking with Schmaltz and Hartman rather well. It’s almost like he can make good players better (see also: Artemi Panarin). It’s voodoo/witchcraft/magic/juju/whatever, and it works.

The second period didn’t start off so well, with a Penguins goal from Phil Kessel. But never fear, Hawks fans, because Kane has been working on his backhand shot, and he used it to say “Oh, you scored a goal? So can I.” There were two more goals from Richard Panik and another one from Schmaltz. At this point, we’re yelling “WE WANT TEN! WE WANT TEN!” because, hey, what the hell.

Please keep in mind that the Hawks were playing the Pittsburgh Penguins, reigning Stanley Cup champs who had beaten the Blues the night before this game.

THIRD PERIOD. By this time, everyone’s so goal-drunk that we’re just stupid and giddy. This was only compounded by Saad’s HAT TRICK and Brent Seabrook actually giving us the tenth goal we wanted. Sorry not sorry for the Penguins.

Yes, it’s only the first game, but savor this. There could be another game like this during the season, and they’ll surely have some rancid games of their own. If the Blackhawks keep this up, those early exits will be replaced with a deep Cup run next summer.

P.S. How could I forget that Marian Hossa WAS IN THE HOUSE FOR THE FIRST GAME. We were all blessed by his presence and his image on our screens.