~ The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom… on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.

Category Archives: My Life as a Wife

Today is Dean’s birthday – and almost 15 years to the day that we met. At the time, he was living in Edmonton and I was living 3 hours away in Calgary – just after graduating from university. And on the weekend that we met, I knew that he was ‘the one’ for me. How I knew, well, I can’t quite say. But I vividly remember the bus ride back to Calgary as I journaled my surprised certainty that I had just met the guy I was going to marry. And the funny thing was that we hadn’t kissed, hadn’t exchanged phone numbers, and had set up nothing to see each other again. But, in the way that the world sometimes works out – I was right – and by the end of that month we had seen each other several more times and knew with an uncanny certainty that we would be spending our lives together. In many ways I find it mind-boggling that I was only 22 when we met. At the time, I can’t say that I was really that certain of who I was – but I was definitely on the path to learning – and obviously (thankfully!) in touch enough to know that this guy was the one for me.

Flash forward several years (and another province), and we were married; another few years and we were a family of four, just getting started in life. It was busy – sometimes chaotic – but wonderful at the same time. One image that always stood out for me was from a book I read. It was to picture our family like a wheel – with our marriage as the center spoke. That has always stuck with me – that our relationship would be the center of our family life. And I believe that one of the reasons that we got through those crazy earlier years with kids was because we kept sight of that.

I consider one of the greatest successes in my life to be our marriage and family life. On the worst of days, I know that I have a partner in life who loves me, believes in me, and makes me feel cherished every single day. I depend on him and his love to help keep me strong on the days that I feel weak, and beautiful on the days that I feel old and tired. If I am able to help other people in my life, and be the kind of mother, wife, chiropractor and human being that I most want to be – it is in part because of the strength I gain from his love and support.

He is the most loving husband I could ever wish for, my best friend, and an amazing father.

I sincerely hope that our children will grow up to have a relationship as strong as ours, and to be parents as committed as he is. (Yet another example of the importance of being role models for our children)

Not a day has gone by in our lives together without saying that we love each other . And for all of these 15 years, I have never once doubted that he is still ‘the one’ for me.

Five years ago I was on a beach in Cuba as my sister, who I adore, was married. It was a sunny, beautiful day, with a breeze coming off the water to where we stood under the shade of the trees. The background sounds were of the waves gently crashing a few feet away, our brother singing, and Dean playing guitar. With a simple ceremony, followed by playful pictures in the waves, and climbing trees, our group celebrated together.

At the time, Dean’s parents had flown to Ontario to watch Ethan and Audra, who were almost 5 and 3 years old. At the time, there were no cousins yet born – and now there are five: 3 to my sister and 2 to my brother. Again, I am astonished at how time flies so quickly, and yet those moments feel like yesterday.

For us, it was the first time away from our children. And while I missed them – at times intensely, the other part of me that craves freedom revelled in the contrast between how busy those years were for us, and the luxury of being able to fully and completely relax. The concept of relaxation had entirely been lost on me for years at that point.

One thing I doubt I will ever take for granted is the ease that comes from having family nearby to help out. I can say that with confidence, I believe, simply because it’s one thing we have never had in our time as parents. With both of our families in different provinces, our early years were spent relying solely on each other. And the contrast we experienced when traveling to Alberta or Nova Scotia to visit our parents – or when they came to us – was striking. I will forever say that I am grateful that we had passed (in one piece!) to the other side of the toddler years when my sister and brother started their families. I am quite certain that I would have been green with envy, and wallowed in tired self pity if I had seen how much support was available, and how much of a social life was possible if grandparents happened to live close by. I do not for one second begrudge that my siblings had that extra help where we did not – after all, we were the ones who chose to stay in Ontario.

However, with the backdrop of five years of constant baby and toddler years and the busyness (and sometimes chaos) that entails, both Dean and I admittedly had one of the best weeks of our lives when we travelled to Cuba sans-kids. Even amongst the group of friends/wedding guests, the comments were made that we just might have been the most relaxed people at the entire resort. And they just may have been right. (We had five years worth banked!)

Don’t get me wrong: we missed our kids. I can still vividly remember calling home one day to hear Audra wailing my name – as I broke down into a blubbering mess. Despite my desire to not make it harder on them, I just couldn’t quite control the emotions that stirred from knowing my babies missed me from so far away. And yet… after a little time, that too waned, as I got present to the gift of time I had in front of me. Time to enjoy the sun, spend time with my husband, have fun with my sister and friends, and to hang out with my parents. It was our first time to an all-inclusive. It was our first time traveling to a different country together. And it was glorious. The little taste of freedom it gave me was worth every second of the episodes of heartache.

The experience awoke in me the desire to travel, play, experience and be free – both with my husband, and with our children. I realized that we could have our busy lives, and travel, too. We resolved then and there that we would do more of this. I realized that the time and effort we put into our daily lives, balancing work, kids and our marriage – while wonderful – also created the need to occasionally step away from it all and just simply be.

And now, several years later, and with a few more trips under our belt (including ones with our kids), it is a goal of ours to work towards truly having it all: regular travel together as a couple, and travel with our kids. And we hope one day to travel with our extended family, and to share some of those future experiences with some of our closest friends.

I don’t know how it will all play out. I don’t know how often we will travel, nor exactly where we will end up. (But we have lots of fun watching travel documentaries, and dreaming up ideas) With the value we place on family, freedom and experiencing, all I know for sure that I intend to live my life to the fullest, gaining great experiences and learning with Dean, Ethan and Audra.

One of the great realizations in my life was that I would rather buy an experience than a ‘thing’. If I had to choose, I would rather live a more simple life – with travel and adventure – than a luxurious one always at home. For us, having new experiences is what life is all about.

Upon reflection, I think that I would not have so greatly appreciated the exhilaration of that first Cuba trip if we had been living with family close by. I think I may have been guilty of taking my freedom for granted, if having someone to call on had always been the norm. But, like the saying that every cloud has its silver lining, perhaps one of the best gifts we have gained from having a family that is ‘geographically challenged’ is the appreciation for the moment in front of us. For time. For freedom. For the people around us. For new experiences. And the desire to reach for more.

Cuba, I think, was just the wake up call. And what a glorious one it was.

Like this:

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Love Day. I’d like to boycott the whole thing. (Sorry to anyone who is a big fan, but Dean and I are both of the same opinion on this one. You can take it or leave it… or just not read any further.)

Every day should be about love. 365 days a year. Not just one.

Despite letting our kids in on our thoughts on this one, for now, the boycott is only involving Dean and I. Our kids are happily choosing cards to give to their classmates, and Audra is picking out her all-pink Valentine’s Day ensemble. Perhaps in subconscious boycott of it all, I forgot to pick up cards for them when I was out earlier. I know there are all kinds of left overs somewhere in our house from previous years… but finding them is another issue altogether. Luckily Dean was able to score a few dusty boxes that the convenience store had stored out back – and even better, the kids liked them.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the kids having a little fun. (Other than another excuse for sugar at school, I guess) But it does irk me somewhat to think how sad it is that so many people think that making a big deal of their relationships every once in a while lets them off the hook for the rest of the year. Do I care about chocolates, flowers or cards? Or jewelry, for that matter? No.

I care that I have a husband who lets me know every day that I am loved and beautiful. I care that compliments are a daily part of my life. I care that we enjoy each others’ company. I care that my husband knows and understands me better than any other person in my life. I care that we are free to be ourselves in our relationship, and have never tried to change each other. I care that we have been married for more than ten years that we would do it all again tomorrow. I care that our children are growing up in a home that is based on love, mutual respect and togetherness.

We are not perfect – but then again, I personally don’t think a “perfect relationship” exists. Mostly because I don’t believe that people are perfect. But when we can let go of trying to be impossibly perfect, maybe we can build as strong a relationship as possible. Accepting the ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses is part of the deal. Relationships take work. You don’t get to choose just the good parts. But you can choose how well you love someone- and how well you love yourself.

I consider it a huge accomplishment that we got through our early years with young babies (and no family close by) – growing closer and stronger as a couple. Maybe those years of sleep deprivation and busy-ness just showed us that the most important parts of our life are right there in front of us, every single day. And so, for us, celebrating love only one day a year is quite simply a form of neglect. (and don’t get me started on the gross commercialism of it all)

My wish for our children is for them to grow up witnessing a loving relationship. My wish is that they are filled with self love, spend their lives bringing more of it into the world, and one day, when the times comes, find someone to mirror that same love back to them.

My hope for the world is that interactions and decisions both large and small will be made more and more from a place of love, acceptance and connectedness. My hope for every person is that they go through their days feeling loved, supported, heard, and adored. My hope for every person is that they live a life full of love, kindness, and contribution.

What a world that would be.

Like I said, take it or leave it. Either way, for Valentines’ Day, and every day – I wish you love.

Like this:

I am a huge fan of Dave Matthews Band. I have been since I first heard their music in 1996. And in recent years, going to their concerts has become one of the highlights for date nights for Dean and me. (And if I have to be entirely honest, meeting him and his band members are also on our “bucket list”… just putting that out there, just in case anyone who reads this can pull some strings…!)

So, this past weekend, Dean and I made arrangements to go to the concert, booked a room downtown, and enjoyed a 24-hour date. This is something we try to do every once in a while – which can be tricky when you live far away from family as we do. Living in a different province exempts us from the proximity of built-in babysitters.

When our kids were young, we got to go out only if we were visiting family in Halifax or Edmonton – so essentially we got a “date night” once or twice a year. I remember celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary with our first overnight away (Ethan was three and Audra was one – and my parents happened to be visiting) We had a great time, and I remember noticing how Dean got my full and undivided attention – quite possibly for the first time in three years. We were away for a wonderful 28 hours – during the last 4 of which I have to admit I was like a junkie wanting to get back to my babies. But it made me realize how important it is for our relationship to spend quality time together, and how easy it can be to get caught up in the busyness of life, losing your connection in the process. I did not want to be one of those people who wake up one day after their children have grown to realize that they no longer know the person they are married to.

We have always felt that an essential part in providing a loving home lies in keeping our relationship strong – a benefit to us, as well as to them. It has always been important to us to that our children grow up in a home with parents who clearly love each other. In much the same way that I feel it is healthy (and essential) to take care of ourselves individually to bring the best of who we are into our roles as mothers, wives, friends, etc – I feel it is healthy to take care of our marriage to provide the central strength to our family. I believe a weak or neglected marriage weakens the whole family dynamic.

So, for us, having dates has become an important part of keeping this intact. We try to plan a night out without kids once a month (a habit that admittedly we occasionally fall off track from) This works best when we schedule it into our lives so that it doesn’t get lost in the passage of time.

Now that Ethan and Audra are older, we try to go away overnight several times a year, with the icing on the cake being the two times we have gone away entirely. Once to Cuba for a week, and once on a 4-day cruise with friends. Both times our parents travelled to Ontario to watch our children. Admittedly, I miss my children when I am away from them. But the time is glorious, exhilarating and wonderful. It is good for me to be able to step out of my mommy role. It is good for Dean and I to have fun enjoying each other’s company. And while our children may indeed prefer us to always be home with them, we point out to them how fortunate they are to have parents who love each other and who want to spend time together.

I would like plan our time to include annual family travel, and annual travel with Dean. Neither has to be elaborate – the idea is to get out of the daily routine, enjoy each other’s company, and to be the kind of relationship I would like my children to have for themselves one day. It’s entirely a win-win situation.

And in the celebration of love, making a difference and working together – all things celebrated in one of Dave Matthew’s recent songs, Mercy – Enjoy!

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The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom.... on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.

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The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom... on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.