Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Tag Archives: Women’s Rights

Man Town, Ohio. President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America. “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier. “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action. As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could. What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally? I say none. Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive. I’ve not yet made up my mind on it). Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning. It’s both torture AND an execution method). America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs. So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”

This dude is literally a walking slime ball with big hair that’s been stuffed into a suit. I sure hope the GOP is proud of their soon to be Presidential candidate. They’ve spent years growing him in their xenophobic, racist, misogynistic lab. Good job, guys. Good job.

Misogyny Palace, Mississippi. This morning, after a strategic planning session at the Pentagon to carpet bomb the Middle East out of existence, Ted Cruz declared all female bodies are his to do with as he sees fit. “By the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I declare that women are to have no say whatsoever in what they can and cannot do with their bodies,” Senator Cruz said. “As any true follower of Jesus can tell you, women are dull-witted and often do silly things, like allowing men to accidentally impregnate them, for example. The mistake most women make when this happens is to think they have a choice in what they can do with their own bodies. Nothing is farther from the truth. Jesus states repeatedly, not only in the Bible, but in the U.S. Constitution, that women’s bodies belong to Christian men, not to them. I fail to see how anyone can be remotely confused about this. Would Jesus say such a thing if it were not true? Of course not. Thus, women’s bodies are not theirs. They’re actually mine, as I’m not only the brightest Christian around, but also the biggest, sexiest bull-stud of a man America’s ever seen. As soon as I’m President, I’ll make arrangements for me or one of my male staff members to conduct a body search of each and every female in the U.S. to be certain they’re treating my property the way I want them to. So, America, please vote for me in November, and make me your President. It’s what Jesus wants you to do.”