Friday, August 23, 2013

Bathroom Spies; Hidden Cameras

I think there is someone spying on the women's restroom in my office.

"Yeah right."

OK not really, but it IS possible.

I work in an office building made up of small individual businesses, and each floor shares a bathroom - which sounds bad, but it's really not because there is honestly only about 10 people that work on my entire floor. Plus, there is a men's room and a women's room, so with some quick, simple division..., one can reasonably conclude that I almost have my very own bathroom; which is great.

Anyways, I lost track of where I was going with this...

...Okay, yes! So, I went to use the bathroom at work and while I was mid-relief, when suddenly the lights sort of dimmed*, and I did that thing where you look around like "WTH?...", then the barrage of irrational questions entered my mind. For example, "Did the lights even dim...or did I just imagine that." Reason, kicks in for a second and I think, "Ok there was a power surge, or the bulb is fading...", but then I'm all "A power surge? What even is a power surge? Did the nuclear power plant just blow? And bulbs, they don't fade, they just go out, or stay on, there can be no in between! Something is happening here!"

*I should mention that the bathroom light does not have a dimmer switch. That would be way too obvious, and if it did, I would never admit it, and it would also mean someone was outside the door dimming my switch while I use the bathroom, which would also be weird as fuck...I digress...

^ What I imagine a power surge to look like.
"I'M HERE TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP MOTHER FUCKER!!!"

Which leads me to the least rational and therefore final conclusion that there must be an elaborate electronic spying setup in the bathroom - that when activated, is sucking some of the power from the bulbs. Yup, that has to be it. All of the sudden, the whole bathroom has become suspect...that weird gap in the cheap (moveable!) ceiling tile could certainly house some strange video recording device, or maybe it's in the fucking toilet itself! The limited cast of characters on my floor suddenly seem a bit shady as well...

"You see, you simply insert the device inside the rim of the toilet, and Voila!"

I know this sounds nuts, but stick with me here. Every year there is at least one story about a sketchy guy camping out underneath a truck stop latrine for 2 weeks to watch girls do their business, or some person who owns a tanning salon video taping people burning their naked bodies to death. I JUST read a story about a guy who hacked into someone's webcam, and another story about people hacking into the radio frequencies of baby monitors! It is a sick, sick world out there, and I am not in any position to rule out these possibilities.

Why, you may ask, do I think people would want to watch me go to the bathroom? Or why, more importantly, is that the possibility I concluded...well that is good question. I would attribute it mainly to my generalized anxiety disorder mixed with a touch of narcissism. Yes, I do think that everyone I pass on the street is looking and thinking about me, and now that I think about it, there are a few middle-aged dudes (no offense middle aged dudes, you always get a bad wrap) who try and solicit conversation in the hallway a little too often, and stare a little too long, but that could just be a result of them being friendly and me being socially awkward; the world may never know.

"Oh hey Bob Filner and Anthony Weiner, no no, I definitely was NOT referring to guys like you."

But back to what I was saying - I am not taking any chances here on the porcelain princess. Suddenly my mind is having meta-thoughts about my crazy thoughts, and I realize I have suddenly become concerned with how I look while I'm peeing; like "that's not a very ladylike pee posture you have going on, you have to work with these spies, you don't want them thinking you are some kind of animal, straighten up and be a bit more dainty about it for Christ sake!"

I finish my business, conclude it was probably a slight overreaction, and feel altogether impressed with what a profoundly irrational imagination I have, and what an exciting adventure the last minute and a half has been.

But seriously, you never know, there are some toilet-spying, pee getting-off-on, weirdos out there people!

PS. Does Anyone else out there "nest"? Or am I the only weirdo?

Double
PS. Does anyone else who nests ever pull up their pants and
accidentally tuck the toilet paper into them without realizing, and then
people see it and laugh at you, and then you have nesting PTSD after
every bathroom break?