Most often, we find excuses to avoid the harsh realities we know are present within ourselves. The fear of facing our own fears leads to a vicious cycle of self defeating behaviors. Rather than looking within, we focus on the outside world and the externalities that we'd rather blame for things going wrong, but when it comes to introspection and looking into ourselves, we want to run, and continue running without looking back.

Avoidance of searching within for the answers to challenges and errors in our life can be a great stress accumulator, leading to compounded problems that become even more difficult to overcome the longer you run. Learning how to stop running away from yourself can make all the difference between a life that speeds along without you or a more contented life that has you in greater control.

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Steps

1

Take time off to think things through. When everything has started to go wrong in twos and threes and you feel incapable of dealing with it all, it's a life signal of the need to stop and reflect. Break away from your rushed routine, which is often used as a coping (or avoidance) mechanism to avoid dwelling on any issues that are too painful, ugly or difficult to confront.

These issues will still be there no matter how tired, busy or seemingly indispensable you make yourself. At the level of your subconscious, these issues will soon crop up to be met with again and again, interfering with your regular level of functioning until you finally face them. Ways to give yourself space include:

Set aside two to four days to just get away from it all. Rent a cabin, set up a tent, live in your van for a weekend, anything to just get away and do nothing but think.

Block out time on the calendar for reflection time, perhaps even daily. Keep to this consistently without deviating and don't allow other distractions to creep in.

Drop a few obligations to give yourself more space. If you're over-committed, it's likely you're also under-performing in a number of ways and that hurts both you and those depending on you.

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2

Write yourself an apology. As crazy as this might sound, write yourself an apology note. This will reinforce the respect you need to have for yourself to be able to face the internal challenges. It will also help you to acknowledge that you are human and can only manage and forestall so much before your inner needs deserve attention.

The self apology is a great way to let yourself know that you are entitled to make mistakes and as equally entitled to learn from them. It is important when making this gesture not to be too harsh on yourself. To err is essentially human. We are all not saints or prophets, so as a human entity, do not aspire for sainthood; rather, seek to be the best that you're capable of being and acknowledge that that means knowing yourself a lot better.

Consider posting the apology to yourself by snail mail. When you open it, set aside some private, quiet time to really read what you've written and to see the meaning behind the issues you've highlighted in the letter.

3

Acknowledge the problem or patterns of problematic behaviors. Be honest with yourself. Think things through and look at your own life from the perspective of a third person. Standing outside of yourself and your current situation may be the only way you can be objective or realistic about any issues you are facing.

While it may seem a little odd at first, the more you aim to watch your life from the viewpoint of someone neutral, the more you'll piece together patterns and even learn to laugh a little at the self that keeps trying in spite of the odds stacked against repeating negative patterns.

Some people try to occasionally view their life like a movie or as if they're reading a novel. Putting yourself into the position of a character can help you to perceive the main themes that continue to be met by the character.

4

Be brave. Introspection and looking into the weaker side of our personas takes great strength because you have to face things about yourself that you either dislike or don't truly understand that well. However, to explore your own weaknesses sets you up to develop good character.

This isn't about berating yourself for the weaknesses you discover; it is instead about acknowledging their existence and then seeking ways to either learn to live with them or to build up more of your strengths to ensure that the weaknesses do not lead you instead.

Most importantly, smile at your mistakes and learn to laugh at yourself for the silly things you do. A lighter look at yourself will allow you to act and behave less rigidly with others on account of their own mistakes, as well a freeing you from being hounded by perfectionism.

Listen to your thoughts more. Perhaps begin a daily journal to map out the thoughts as they come. It can be as messy and erratic as you can handle; just get those thoughts down as they arise. A good time to do this is just before going to sleep each night, as it allows you to reflect back through the day's happenings and your feelings.

Work through negative thoughts about yourself. Why do you have them? Are they telling you something about aspects of yourself that you really don't want to think about? If so, take note of what those things are and start exploring why they bother you and what you would like to do about them that is both constructive and self-nurturing.

5

Explore your principles and values. Do you know them as your own or have you borrowed them from someone or somewhere else? Only you know the answer to that – yet, is it time to shed values that you've absorbed rather than developed for yourself?

How can you tell? It's very simple – you are either living with a sense of direction or you're not. In the latter case, it's likely you're living by someone else's moral compass rather than by your own. Toss theirs and start growing your own; plant it in fertile thoughts so that it grows vigorously and is original to you. And remember, even trying to live by your own values and principles (and often failing) is far better than perfecting life according to someone else's.

If you don't know where to begin in deciding your own values and principles, explore different ideas about the world through more learning. Read widely, talk to people with a view to learning about how they see the world and listen to podcasts or watch documentaries about different beliefs and ways of living around the world. Empower yourself through greater knowledge.

6

Don't deceive yourself. It is very easy to fool the world with pretenses and to put on a face that you believe others want to see. However, your heart will know the real truth and cause much inner conflict when you set aside its warnings.

Putting on a false front leads to cognitive dissonance. This is basically a feeling of behaving in one way to appease others all while thinking or feeling in another way (your true self). This creates confusion and leads to mounting frustrations that can turn into very unhelpful behaviors including passive-aggression, depression, anger and dependency.

It takes too much energy to be acting all the time and both body and mind will eventually find an outlet that may not be as constructive as you'd like; far better to be in control by revealing your true self a lot more often than the fake persona you feel compelled to show the world.

How do you know if you're deceiving yourself? Your body may tell you – if you have lots of aches and pains with no medical basis, it could be your body telling you what you won't listen to mentally.

You may be following a plan of life that keeps someone else's dreams alive but not your own, such as the dutiful child fulfilling parental wishes instead of pursuing what you wanted to do or the loyal employee working for what is really the company's best interests and not your own.

Another way to tell can be if you find yourself mentally dividing yourself up dependent on whom you're with, such as "professional self", "dutiful child/spouse self", "social butterfly self", "manic team member self", etc. and none of these sides of yourself feel truly representative of you as a whole.

While it may the case that occasionally you need to put on a front to some extent to get along with people in social and work contexts, this should never be at the expense of being a whole person who cannot assert themselves properly.

Another form of self-deception comes in the form of self-imposed limitations. You may feel that you're limited in certain ways but you may also have placed those limitations on yourself, unrealistically based and founded only in your own self-criticism. To overcome these limitations requires greater concentration on improving your levels of self-confidence. Give yourself the chance and the time to build more self-confidence, so that you can overcome the limitations you've set yourself.

7

Appreciate the fact that you are human and not a machine, cog or super-person. Trying to be all, do all and to "super-human" yourself leads to inevitable exhaustion and despair. You cannot put your feelings and wants on hold forever and you cannot always expect success and achievement.

Life brings both its ups and downs and sometimes going nowhere, transitioning and starting all over again are the normal parts of being human; if you measure your worth only by what is gained in life, you will be knocked over whenever there is loss and lack of achievement.

People are emotional beings and are fallible. There will be times when your actions will not always mount to perfection. There will be times of loss and things coming to a standstill. Relax and be comfortable with yourself and learn to let go of the need to always be achieving something; sometimes, the real achievement is found in simply just being you.

Slow down. Speak more slowly, think before you speak, move at a pace that allows you take in what is around you and spend more time contemplating. The world is fast enough without speeding up the precious hours allotted to you. And speak up. People won't listen to what you have to say unless you believe in it yourself and are not afraid to voice it with clarity and precision.

8

Consult a therapist if necessary. You may be surprised at how the issues within you, once resolved, will lead to a more relaxed disposition. For many people, resistance to therapy can be grounded in feeling that they need to cope alone; however, this is an erroneous assumption.

Indeed, once you allow someone qualified to help guide you, you will wonder what took you so long to seek such support.

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Tips

Do not go through life, living a lie. Being honest with yourself is the best way forward.

Talk to someone you can trust, who will not judge you and make the problem worse.

When seeking to change habits or institute goals, don't try to do too much at once. Small, solid steps are much more enduring and effective than large but shallow leaps. After each goal or broken habit, set the next one to achieve or change and reward yourself for what you've managed thus far.

Volunteering is a good way to stop running from yourself. Forcing yourself to help others not only slows you down but reveals how other people live and cope, a good reminder of what you have to appreciate about your own life. Moreover, you will learn from the people you're helping and the events you're involved in, lessons that perhaps could not be learned in any other way.

Sensitive issues such as sexual identity, getting a divorce, psychotic tendencies, etc are most often difficult to broach and is easier avoided than confronted.

Be aware that others may not be okay with who you are, even that therapist you found. Face yourself honestly, even if others act treat "you" badly. The unknown and the unusual will always scare people, as will anything that eats at their own issues. Their problems are theirs, though; not yours, and you shouldn't destroy yourself for them.

Warnings

Don't beat yourself up. Failures happen, mistakes occur and mess ups are the norm at times. Just as we have fair weather chased by the bad, great times can be chased by difficult ones. It is part of a cycle and being gentle on yourself is vital.

Be accountable. If you make promises, don't renege on them or at least be courageous enough to admit when you've taken on more than you can manage (and do it in enough time that others can find alternatives). Being accountable through owning up to things is not the same as being a superhuman who never lets anyone down. This is about owning up when you cannot do the job to the level it needs doing, or you can't be there for someone in the way they'd really like you to be.

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