Friday, June 20, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that confidence in TV news is at an all time low of 18%. Media experts were surprised. 18% of people still watch the news?

A poll says that confidence in TV news is at an all time low of 18%. Especially when people aren’t sure if Brian Williams is more believable when he is explaining the violence in Iraq or rapping “Baby Got Back” on “The Tonight Show.”

A report says that ISIS jihadists have seized Saddam Hussein’s chemical weapons stockpiles. The Pentagon isn’t happy. NOW they find WMDs in Iraq.

A Texas mom was arrested after six kids fell while riding on the outside of her car while she was driving drunk. Apparently the kids were on the car because they were told to never get inside a car with someone who has been drinking.

Police are looking for a Pennsylvania woman after she assaulted her boyfriend with hot bacon grease. He will probably drop the charges. How can you stay mad at a girlfriend who fixes you bacon every morning?

The U.S. has been ranked 101 on a list of peaceful nations out of 162. Americans immediately started to chant “We’re number 1(01)!”

The U.S. has been ranked 101 on a list of peaceful nations out of 162. Iceland came in first. Mainly because other nations won’t attack Iceland because they don’t even know where it is on the map.

The U.S. has been ranked 101 on a list of peaceful nations out of 162. American forces were put on alert to search out and destroy the people who were involved in making the list.

A proposed ban on high heels in Russia is causing a stir. Mostly because the politician calling for the restriction believes that women who wear heels can hurt their feet and make it harder to fit into their military boots.

Congressional ratings have dropped to an all time favorable low of 7%. And those are the anarchists who are waiting for the country to go into complete economic collapse because of Congress spending us $17 Trillion into the hole.

Chelsea Handler will move her talk show over to Netflix from E!. Which answers the question of where do you go when your show can’t even make it on basic cable?

71 year old Harrison Ford broke his leg and not his ankle as earlier reported on set when he was hit by a garage door. Apparently the door came down when he mistook the remote for a cellphone and tried to make a call.

71 year old Harrison Ford broke his leg and not his ankle as earlier reported on set when he was hit by a garage door. What’s even worse is that he was going into the garage to get his Rascal for a ride to his trailer for nap time.

Facebook went down for a half hour in several countries on Thursday. Which meant people all around the world had to eat a cold or soggy breakfast while they waited to be able to take a picture of it to post for their friends.

Brazil is searching for a Mexican World Cup soccer fan who fell off a cruise ship. Witnesses say he could have grabbed the guard railing but refused to use his hands.

A Brazilian coastal city is warning World Cup visitors about possible shark attacks. To which most tourists don’t care, saying even a shark attack is better than listening to another minute of those droning vuvuzelas.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling is being accused of threatening his wife’s lawyer. Apparently he told him if he didn’t back off, he would send him a pair of season tickets.

A former Goldman Sachs trader calls his $8.2 Million bonus “unfair” and has filed a lawsuit asking for $16 Million more. He claims if he wanted to lose $16 Million, he would have just bought some of the shabby bundled mortgages he was selling to other people.

Two Catholic media giants, Catholic News Agency and EWTN are planning to merge. The agencies both tend to write positive news stories about the Church, out of fear of having their knuckles rapped with a ruler by Sister Mary Theresa.

Iran is on a campaign to seize satellite dishes from homes. That’s what happens when the Ayatollah gets a $150 monthly bill from DirecTV.

The Supreme Court has ruled the First Amendment protects government employees from retaliation for telling the truth even if it isn’t part of their job responsibility. Which is good news for Congress who have never seen telling the truth as part of their job.

Felipe VI was sworn in as the new King of Spain earlier this week. He promised to end the country’s economic crisis. Which has mostly been caused by all the tax revenue going to support the excesses of the Royal Family.

A traveler at Newark Liberty International Airport with $50,000 of cocaine hidden in some cookies. Authorities became suspicious when they saw the man literally inhaling his snacks.

A traveler at Newark Liberty International Airport with $50,000 of cocaine hidden in some cookies. The man claims he just wanted to be able to stay awake the whole time his JetBlue flight was sitting on the tarmac before takeoff.

A traveler at Newark Liberty International Airport with $50,000 of cocaine hidden in some cookies. Authorities hadn’t seen a $50,000 batch of cookies since the airport’s Mrs. Fields shop closed down.

A poll says that a majority of people think that having two drinks is too much before driving. Mostly because it makes it much harder to concentrate on the texts they are sending to their friends.

A Chinese company has been fined $35 Million by the FCC for selling cellphone jammers. Apparently the devices work by switching the phone’s service over to AT&T.

A Chinese company has been fined $35 Million by the FCC for selling cellphone jammers. If the FCC was really working for the American people they would be giving those devices out for free to all restaurants, movie theaters and gyms.

Velveeta cheese product is being recalled in 12 states for not having enough preservatives. Apparently the batch in question only had a shelf life of 83 years.

Velveeta cheese product is being recalled in 12 states for not having enough preservatives. The only question is how do you tell when Velveeta has gone bad?

Velveeta cheese product is being recalled in 12 states for not having enough preservatives. No one even knew that Velveeta was now being made by GM.

U.S. home sales have dropped for the first time in four years. Which will change just as soon as we have another mortgage crisis which brings down the price of foreclosed homes that will make them an attractive investment to foreign nationals again.

Harley is testing quiet e-bikes that are powered by batteries. Apparently they are for the really old Harley riders who are trying to bridge the gap between cruising around on a Hog and puttering around on a Rascal.

Billionaire investor Carl Icahn is calling for the sale of Family Dollar stores. As the largest shareholder, he has gotten tired of the store’s management team consistently being undersold by the 99 Cent Store.

GM could be facing another government fine for the latest recall of Impalas. Or as GM calls government fines, a rebate on future bailouts.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans support euthanasia. Although only if it involves a wealthy relative who has them listed in their will.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans support euthanasia. To which O.J. Simpson is saying “Oh, great. NOW they come on over to my side.”

A study says that young women who are depressed are twice as likely to suffer a heart attack. Well, that news will certainly cheer them up.

A study says that Americans get more depressed about losing a job than Europeans. Mostly because with six weeks vacation, more holidays and long term unemployment, having a job in Europe is like being out of work anyway.

A study says that women who are overweight and smoke during pregnancy are more likely to have obese children. Which brings up the question as to how so many overweight women who smoke are getting pregnant in the first place?

A poll says that 80% of people think that Alzheimer’s Disease is a normal part of the aging process. The other 20% forgot what the question was.

A poll says that 80% of people think that Alzheimer’s Disease is a normal part of the aging process. Which is why they lead such unhealthy lives in order to make sure they die before they become a senior.

A study says that UV exposure may cause a drug like addiction. Which finally explains a whole lot of what was going on during the course of “Jersey Shore.”

A study says that food trucks may be safer than eating at restaurants. Except the trucks where the cooks are seen scraping the meat for the daily special off their tires.

Willie Nelson’s ranch in Texas was hit by a tornado. At least that’s what Nelson claims. Ranch workers say he actually just got his hands on some really potent weed.

The Pontiac Silverdome had a two day auction where they sold everything inside the stadium. It turns out the only way the Detroit Lions were able to sell any seats there is when they actually sold all the seats.

Scientists are attempting to bring back the passenger pigeon, which became extinct in 1914. Apparently they were exterminated right around the time Teddy Roosevelt saw one soiling his statue.

Scientists are attempting to bring back the passenger pigeon, which became extinct in 1914. Once they figure that out they will continue their previous work on how to get rid of all those other pigeons.

Elon Musk says his SpaceX company will put astronauts on Mars in 10-12 years. Mostly because he knows he will have a better chance to sell his Tesla cars there because with no atmosphere it will be harder for them to catch fire.

Robert Morris University in Pennsylvania will start offering athletic scholarships for online video gaming. Mostly because those athletes will only ask to be paid in pizza, Doritos and energy drinks.

Robert Morris University in Pennsylvania will start offering athletic scholarships for online video gaming. Their first recruit was scouted and signed for having a great set of thumbs.

A newly discovered flamboyant dinosaur has been named after the Roman god Mercury. Apparently he was just shy of being quite flamboyant enough to be named after Liberace.

A report says that ISPs don’t offer the average broadband Internet connection speed they advertise. Mostly because it just doesn’t sound that impressive to say “At least we’re faster than AOL.”

A study says that concern about the theft of mobile devices is on the rise. The biggest problem is getting witnesses to the theft of smartphones and tablets because everyone around the victims are too busy looking at their smartphones and tablets.

Amazon says its new Fire Phone could add 55% to people’s Amazon bill. Mostly from shopping around for spare parts to fix their Amazon Fire Phone.

Space walkers added a new antennae to the International Space Station. Apparently even NASA is being hit hard by budget cuts and had to drop its subscriptions to cable and dish TV.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Saturday is the calendar start to summer, arriving at 6:51 in the morning. Which is the time of year people in the northeast can take off their coats during the daytime. Or as global warming alarmists call the season, “winter 2025.” No matter what the weather is like where you are, you can always keep a nice warm feeling going when you remember to always send the love!