I don’t know that I have ever been so ready and relieved to step into a new year. I feel like 2017 was full of trauma. Like it was in the air, trauma. My life and my little family are all doing great, really great, but man – I feel like 2017 was full of a bunch of unbelievable events and happenings all of which were out of my control. I had to endure them, be with them, figure out how to consistently reconnect with my inner peace while constantly being pulled out of it due to an energetic circus of sorts.

Fuck became my favorite word.
While Receive hung on my vision board as my word of exploration for the year.
(I had a different vision for the year when I chose this word….).

So much happened in 365 days. And a lot of it was not good. The happenings felt fueled by an entity determined to stamp out the light. I have never felt so overthrown in my life. Or I guess maybe I have never had the experience of allowing the dark into my reality.

And what is really interesting is how much I have learned and grown – due to the dark.
And how deeply grateful I am for an un-requested opening of my heart.

I feel closer to humanity than I ever have before. Like I have accepted that my fantasy world of “all is good” or it will be soon, is harmful bullshit. All is not good and it never will be. The truth is, there is a lot of pain and suffering in this world — just as much as there is joy and pleasure.

And there always will be. And it deserves our attention too.

Light and dark – belong. Equally.
(get it)

The most challenging part of this past year has been witnessing loved ones take on the aftermath of suicide, terminal cancer, and challenging health diagnosis’s. Witnessing their comfortable reality turn into crushing heart ache, the kind of heart ache that many don’t recover from, has been surreal for me.

Will they ‘sink or swim’….

And I am in awe as they choose to swim.

It has been hopeful, promising, and inspiring for me to witness them respond to their new reality gracefully. I am learning so much by witnessing my loved ones take on the dark with passion, tenacity and willful purpose to LIVE THEIR LIFE as they want to.

With all of this – my word for 2018 is – GRACE

Receive + Rage + Hope + Highest-self Action = Grace

Grace is born from respecting both the light and dark in self, others, and in our life experiences; then with the polished fervor of a warrior choosing to live and create life on your own terms.

“Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to choose. That the pain and trouble in my heart don’t need to cancel out my joy, and that investing in copious amounts of beauty isn’t intended to help me delete my heartache. In fact, I’m allergic to that kind of aggression-toward-what-is disguised as “buck up!” kind of positivity. The deep grief and the stunning beauty, the gut-clenching worry and the deep love can (and must) live together. I’ve never had such frequent flares of intense hatred in my adult life. It’s stunning. And humbling. It’s helped me lately to consider it as not so personal – but perhaps as part of Earth’s own immune response to harmful bullshit. In addition to showing up for protests and calling and writing policy makers, I’ll keep feeding beauty, feeding soul, feeding an awakened heart as passionately as I can. Feels better than just wallowing in the mud.”

My intention with my on-line journal is to be transparent, open, honest, and real about my life story, self exploration, my role as a mother and my dedication to achieving my life-long goal which is to experience what it feels like to be uninhibited, boundless, and free. I want to thrive in all aspects of life. And, I want to encourage other women, especially mothers, to do the same.—MFK