Ask E. Jean: January 2009

The my-mojo-is-mort makeover

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Gregg Delman

Dec 3, 2008

Dolls: Six lucky young ladies have been selected for the Ask Eeee Make Better, a simple process that involves injecting the DNA of Audrey Hepburn, Albert Einstein, and Beyoncé into the young ladies' morning Cheerios, turning them into genius style icons. You will sob with rapture as you see each one emerge at the end of the column renewed, rebooted, and ready to slay the new year.

The She's-So-Stunning-I-Want-to-Kill-Myself MakeoverDear E. Jean : I have a friend who's so beautiful that every man who crosses our path wants her. This is not paranoia. It's reality. Even movie stars gawk at her on the street—ugh! More cases in point? One of my exes casually asked me if she was dating anyone; another ex joked about a three-way; and a man who's been pursuing me for a year suddenly shifted his interest to her after meeting her at a dinner party. She's funny, charming, and doesn't dress slutty (we're both casual and conservative). I don't have animosity toward her; I adore her. And I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something from this—but what? I'm not unattractive, but now that I'm newly single I know that every guy who's interested in me won't be once he meets her. I feel like a walking consolation prize. Why is she so irresistible? And what can I do about it?
—The Leftover

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Left, my lovely: Oh, please. If the lady's such a vexation, don't be seen in public with her. As it is, I've probably received two or three letters from your friends complaining that you are the irresistible one. This is the hard truth about makeovers, Miss Leftover: We're all the pretty one/ugly one depending on (1) who we're with and (2) how chock-full of good old-fashioned confidence we are. You love her, however, so if she's as ravishing on the inside as she is on the outside, well, then...since she has the power to keep men on the boil, don't fight it, use it! Let her bring 'em on! When the lads stampede, simply sweep up the shy ones floundering in her wake. And once you've met someone, for God's sake, don't be stupid. Keep the dude away from her.

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The Once-and-For-All-Surefire-100-Percent-Guaranteed-Get-Skinny MakeoverDear E. Jean: My husband and I have been married one year and we're very much in love. What's the problem? We're getting fat and we blame each other. Instead of the Freshman 15, we've each put on the Newlywed 15 in less than a year. We've tried dieting together, but we fall back into bad eating habits during times of stress or celebration. But no matter what, E. Jean, we're too attractive to let ourselves go! I haven't been feeling as confident as I used to, and this affects our marriage in more ways than one. When I feel badly about myself, I can't give my husband the attention he deserves. We should be feeling frisky and sexy, not flabby and irritable. Help!
—Fat and Unhappy in Houston

E. Jean to Houston : Darling, I'd like to see you and your husband try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this. (I'm a moron for not thinking of this idea years ago, but after a serendipitous meeting with a handsome young economist just out of Stanford, we created a website where you get lean as a lettuce leaf.)Go to Flaab.com. Decide how much money it's worth to each of you to get rid of the 15 pounds forever—$15? $50? $150? $500? (I know people who've spent $5,000 a year since the Reagan administration trying to lose the same 20 pounds.) Decide the date by which you want to lose the weight. Then tell Auntie Eeee the name of your husband's ex-girlfriend. Because Auntie Eeee is going to send her the money if you don't lose the weight.Yes, and to make absolutely certain you don't "fall back into bad eating habits," the note I'm sending to the ex-girlfriend (along with your money) will say you're such a delightful dingbat that you want her—the ex-girlfriend—to take your husband out to dinner because you're no longer feeling "frisky and sexy" and can't lose 15 pounds. (By the by, the note I'm sending to your ex-boyfriend because your husband can't lose the pounds is even more entertaining.)Of course, you'll get the money back if you do lose the weight. Not that you'll be able to look at food again. And if there are no exes in the case, you can name a horrid ex-boss, a mean girl from high school, or a nasty political group like Kill the Whales. So let's do it. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has wasted everyone's bread long enough! You can help feed the world's hungry by stipulating that the United Nations World Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down. Kenneth Shaw, the Stanford guy, has made the site so simple it's practically Google-esque.You can also do Flaab.com on your own, with a group of friends/office mates (everyone puts in money and winner takes all), or in competition with your husband. And there's no cheating. You provide the names of five friends, and whomever finds you first on your weigh-in date gets a portion of the cash if you miss your goal. That keeps everyone honest. And best of all? You can maintain your svelte self by stipulating the cash goes to your husband's ex (or the guy who stole your promotion, etc.) if you gain a pound back. Enjoy!

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The My-Mojo-Is-Mort MakeoverDear E. Jean: I used to have game. I graduated from my dream college, got my dream job, and met my dream guy. But then real life happened. I fell in love, had my heart broken, and my Devil-Wears-Prada boss completely destroyed me. My faith is shaken to the core. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. And the guts? Gone. How do I get my game back?
—Former Go-Getter

Go, girl: These days young ladies get "shaken to the core" three or four times before lunch. The world is in a horrible tizzy. Learning to pimp your game may be the only thing you can do to set things straight. Here are your...Nine Magic Moves for a Mojo Makeover1. Dress chicly (the most powerful mood-changer known to Homo sapiens). 2. Be a cheerleader for the downtrodden (lifts your spirits). 3. Smile (relieves stress, releases endorphins, pretties you up). 4. Swell your chest out (you'll look successful). 5. Get drunk (just checking if you're paying attention). 6. Sleep nine hours a night (boosts your energy). 7. De-friend bores and dickwads (they drag you down). 8. Don't try to be perfect (not fun, not neat, not cool). 9. Get angry (an intense desire to grind your wackadoodle boss to sand under your Jimmy Choo will fuel your rise to the mountaintop). Good luck!

The My-Boyfriend-Is-a-Moron-in-Bed Makeover
Dear E. Jean: I'm 25 and have been with my boyfriend, a perfect gentleman, for two years. In the beginning, everything seemed wonderful, and things are still great except for the sex. We just can't get it right these days. Either we have sex and it ends in disaster (over too quickly) or we make no attempts to do it at all.I mean, he tries to make "moves," but I usually reject him because I'm no longer turned on (mainly because I know how fast it will be over). I can count on a few fingers the times I've had an orgasm with him in this two-year relationship! Aside from the sex, we're pretty fabulous together. He wants me to be happy, but I'm starting to feel desperate. We plan to marry next year!
—Pleased, but Not Satisfied

But not, my blossom: My God! Has he never heard of oral sex? Give him Dr. Ian Kerner's She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and hold a vibrator to his head until he reads the entire chapter called "The Tongue Is Mightier Than the Sword." After that, ask him what he likes. It's time you both develop sexy curiosity and open minds.

The Milk Shake Makeover (An E-mail Dialogue)Dear E. Jean: Please put me out of my misery. For a year I've been tormented: Should I give in to vanity and get modest-size breast implants, or should I endure my saggy breasts, which are causing me to lose my desire for sex? I'm a 28-year-old mother of two, but my breasts make me feel 40!
—To Sag or Not to Sag

Sag, sweetheart: Alack! I can no more talk you into accepting your breasts as they are than I can talk you into accepting Pam Anderson as your personal savior. It all comes down to one philosophical question: Will you be happier with zippy breasts? For 16 years I've begged women to discover the "right" answer—i.e., to be happy with their bosoms, whether round, flat, small, large, coned, ballooned, barrel-shaped, or bouncing like two basketballs. And, of course, I realize (at last!) there is no right answer. A sexy, young mother of two, such as yourself, might actually feel 50 times happier with a sprightly breast lift (excess skin is removed and your cups are reconstructed) or with smallish implants. It's your body; make yourself happy.
—Ravishing Regards, E. Jean.

Dear E. Jean: I'm still in a quandry about my breasts. The sight of them kills my libido. But should I do the noble thing and "accept my body for the way it is?" I'm deeply conflicted.
—Insanity Over Vanity

Dear E. Jean: I received a reply so quickly, I was worried the advice was not from E. Jean herself, but from a protégé, an assistant, or an adoring kept man, and that E. Jean is out drinking pineapple martinis. On the other hand, if this is really E. Jean, you are much better-looking than Dr. Phil!
—Worrisome

Dear Worrisome, my pineapple : I raise a martini and toast to you and to all ELLE readers! May your umlauts bounce with joy and verve through the coming year!

Inset: Q: I absolutely adore Rihanna! I'm seriously considering chopping off my hair and going with her tomboyesque bob and changing it to some outrageous color. But I can't muster the courage because I'm afraid my friends—particularly guys—will completely disown me.

A: If you did what guys want, you'd be sitting in your office stark naked. Cut your hair. If you're not trying everything, doing everything, changing, shifting, riding the edge, or shooting the gulf as Ralphy Emerson says, you might as well be dead.