10 Things That Still Bother Me About Beauty And The Beast

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie of all time. But in the spirit of jokey internet nitpicking, here's 10 questions about the film that still puzzle me to this very day:

1. Why did the enchantress turn a bunch of innocent children into teacups?

Enchantress: "Until you learn the meaning of true love, I curse you with the appearance of THE BEAST YOU ARE!"

Beast: "NOOOOO!!!"

Enchantress: "Also, I turned that dude into a clock."

Beast: "Huh? That's a little weird, but ok."

Enchantress: "Also, these dozens of random children are now teacups, and might stay that way forever because you were kind of a dick to me once."

Beast: "Uhhh, that's...very evil and not really a lesson?"

2. Belle keeps musically insulting her hometown right in front of everyone

The opening song "Belle" is one of the catchiest melodies in Disney's rich history, but at the same time, this scene-setting tune also involves our heroine TOTALLY SHITTING on her boring hometown RIGHT IN EVERYONE'S FACES.

Belle, we can all respect your desire to escape your 'provincial life,' but surely there are more ideal places to melodically declare this desire other than RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF THE PROVINCIAL TOWN YOU'RE INSULTING?

3. The Beast only has until age TWENTY-ONE to find TRUE LOVE?

The curse lasts until the Beast's "Twenty-First Year" then becomes permanent? Not counting love for your family (or your teen-bedroom Jonathan Taylor Thomas poster), who in the world finds true love BEFORE age 21??? Your weird high school friends who start dating each other sophomore year then go to the same college and get married and live in your hometown and keep posting pictures of their baby and dog hanging out in their giant backyard and the pics are all overwhelmingly cute but screw them because you have none of those things and also their baby's name is stupid anyway???

If that's the other option, I think I'd just pick "beast" and live an actually-fun life.

4. Why does Chip have a giant gash in his head?

What in God's name happened to poor Chip to result in A PIECE OF HIS SKULL missing? And when he turns back into a human kid, shouldn't he have a giant gaping headwound? Why is this never addressed?

The human version of Chip does have a tooth missing, but so does the teacup version, so I'm not totally buying that his 'missing tooth' somehow translates to 'triangular chunk of skull missing' in his enchanted equivalent.

Also, there's a hundred teacups without chips in them -- why do they keep insisting on serving tea out of Chip? #REALTALK #NOTREALLY

5. NO ONE would let a strange old haggard woman sleep in their home, regardless of her appearance

Getting back to the enchantress who started this whole deal -- she's upset because the Prince initially refused to let her stay in his castle, even though she pleaded with him and offered him a rose. Honestly, though, if a strange old woman came to YOUR home or apartment and asked to stay the night, would you EVER let her in, regardless of her appearance or the type of flower she offered?

Yes, this particular Prince did happen to have an obsession with peoples' physical appearances, but surely he might've had other reasons not to let some random stranger just waltz right into his ultrafancy castle and snag a bed, right? And she WAS a witch, so his caution wasn't even totally misguided.

That'd be like me going up to the White House and saying, "Please give me shelter from the cold! In exchange, I humbly offer you this single 'Mets 2014 Season Schedule' refrigerator magnet. NO?? THERE IS NO LOVE IN YOUR HEART AND YOU MUST LEARN A LESSON!"