Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Anyone out this weekend could have seen your LakeCountyEye at the Mundelein Fourth-of-July Festival. Your LakeCountyEye volunteered for a shift in the elected-official wing of the festival's sober-up tent. Haha.

One sourpuss Mundelein elected official has little patience for that sort of intemperate revelry -- and gave a Fourth of July address explaining why changes in social norms signal the decline of the Republic. The address cites the ostensibly scientific theories of J.D. Unwin and is posted on YouTube:

Is the nation is going through a period of irrational exuberance or to hell in a hand basket? For the real lowdown, your LakeCountyEye asked Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi -- the J.D. Unwin Professor of Anthropology at the College of Lake County.

Your LakeCountyEye had never heard of J.D. Unwin.

"Ya, J.D. Unwin was a British Anthropologist who published a study in 1934." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "He looked at 80 non-civilized societies, like primitive cultures, etc, plus 16 civilized cultures and he discovered an amazing correlation."

Your LakeCountyEye's curiosity was piqued.

"The cultures that had a strict code of marital monogamy -- heterosexual marital monogamy -- those cultures had the most vibrancy, and affected those around them the most." continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "And when the wheels came off and the standards began to decline in that area, it was within two to three generations that culture would end."

Your LakeCountyEye was all like Get-Out!

"What's astounding is that there was no exception to this. And what's astounding to me too is he was not some radical Christian evangelical with an ax to grind." explained Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "He was not a Christian at all."

OMG, OMG, is there any hope?

"Upon discovering his findings he proposed that in Britain that they start abstinence clubs for the youth -- that would have the revelation of his findings and voluntarily abstain until marriage." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "He didn't tell them to go to church or any of that. He came from a completely different perspective. He had that level of conviction."

By now, the LakeCountyEye mellow was totally harshed. Did Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Tell your operatives that these facts are the established scientific truth. And are nothing whatsoever like global warming."