::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

When Cristiano Ronaldo made the jump to Madrid last summer, he set a high bar by citing Alfredo Di Stefano’s goal record and Champions League victories. The media gobbled up his remarks – was this another cocky winger or the next galactico? Despite a deluge of goals and victories since putting on the blanquillo shirt, criticisms have appeared from an unlikely source: teammates.

After failing to convert a penalty kick against Almeria, Cristiano Ronaldo steadfastly refused to celebrate Karim Benzema’s goal off the rebound. Why? Because Cristiano is “a perfectionist.” Pellegrini has defended his star, but this altercation is the tip of the iceberg. Cristiano wants to surpass all players, especially his teammates, in goals, assists,and wins.

But more shockingly, Cristiano also wants to surpass his teammates’ achievements in their very own private lives.

Conversely, Alberto Aquilani was injured for the first 84 minutes of his wedding

Still a swinging bachelor, unfounded and likely untrue rumours swirl that Cristiano has taken a keen eye to teammate Xabi Alonso’s wife. With wags in the waiting, why such an odd prize? Because as it stands, Xabi currently holds the team record for wife impregnation. And Cristiano cannot get a good night’s sleep without writing his name on such a statistic.

When questioned about “babygate”, Xabi Alonso did note the odd behavior of Cristiano during the Real recruitment drive. More specifically, the text messages sent to his wife, Nagore, at 2am and booking flights to Madrid indicated an unusually keen interest. Also, while the pair were in attendance at the England-Portugal 2006 quarterfinals, Xabi swears CR9 winked at his wife. And at a select few home games this season, when Nagore is in attendance, Cristiano inevitably takes off his shirt with some clever pretext like a goal or a particularly humid day.

Cristiano celebrates a successful throw-in

When questioned, Cristiano laughed unapologetically. “I came to Madrid to be the best and beat the best. If I lose a friend or teammate along the way, so be it. When I leave, no record, accomplishment or womb will be left standing.”

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[…] Please visit the ever so excellent Fisted Away where you can see my poor attempt at purely fabricated investigative journalism. The theme? A steaming love affair between Cristiano Ronaldo, CR9, and himself. […]

[…] Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed – he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso’s wife. Manuel Pellegrini, feeling the heat and desperate for a unifying team […]

[…] Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed – he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso’s wife. Manuel Pellegrini, feeling the heat and desperate for a unifying team […]