The someone I am, in spite of infertility, recurrent miscarriage and failed adoption - and now, the adoption of our son

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Anger

Ladies, well, I looked up the old birthmother on Face*book. Why, you might ask and how did you know how to find her? Well, the adoption process is supposed to be de-identified, meaning you do not know the last name of the birthmother and the city she lives in, etc and neither does she know these things about you. While we were matched, the social worker printed some pics of the BM's other 3 kids from MyS&pace. So, when it all fell through, due to knowing the city where she lived and having met her, I recognized her on a search I did of MyS&pace. And I got the brilliant idea of looking for her, and subsequently finding her, on FB.

The result was NOT pretty. Isaac was born on December 19, a Monday, before we even left town here to pick him up on Wednesday the 21st. I found this in a post on the birthfather's - who is in jail - FB page. Apparently the issue of whether incarcerated people should be allowed to use social media is a topic that is up for debate at this time, and so when the topic came up on our local news, I voted 'NO' in our local newscast's poll, little knowing just how close to home the topic really was. Next up, was the pics of BM with the BF's other son, Scott*, in November 2011, which completely blows out of the water the fact that she told us she didn't even know the BF's last name, where he lived, why he was in jail, etc, etc, etc. She even told the social worker after we met that day in October 2011 that our meeting went fine, all except the part when we asked about the BF, because she felt uncomfortable (we thought due to their broken relationship) answering those questions. I now know why she f'in felt so uncomfortable. It's called LYING.

She married BF on Feb. 25. That is interesting. Not sure what it really means, because upon subsequent perusal of her friends on FB, we discovered who one of her other children's dads is - and that he frequently posts comments on his own drug use. He scarcely admits to having this child, and the child was diagnosed with a form of autism while we were matched. The best we can tell, BM is living with BF's mom, but that is not mentioned. We saw tons of pics of Isaac (Drake). He looks good, but I hate the fact that his mommy is playing house, and when she gets tired of it, he's just going to be dropped off at a relative's house for care, instead of being placed through adoption into a home where he will be cared for. Last we heard, BM's mom was caring for all 3 of her other kids (from at least 2 other dads, from what we can tell).

I am really, really angry at her right now. It was no accident that we had the Lord's Supper today in church. And one of the requirements to partaking is, in addition to being a Christian, to forgive anyone against whom you have a grudge. Um, yeah. Hand's up, that's me, having a grudge against BM. The quiet of the sanctuary made it possible to lay down my anger. It's as though God was right there, taking the anger from me as naturally as if I were handing Him a glass of water. But now that I'm back home, and it's a Sunday - always the hardest day of the week since I see it as family day, and it's only DH and me - and the house is quiet, and we have no love of a child to share and no experience parenting a child and watching him or her grow and change - and I get angry all over again.

I'm not a physical fight kind of person, but I find myself wanting to physically hurt BM. Not pretty, not good.

Well, there it is, laid out in all its ugliness. Wow. It's a good thing God knows what He's doing. Because I have no idea.

2 comments:

Oh, honey my heart breaks for you and my blood is boiling in my chest. Because unlike most people I KNOW how that feels, I know the betrayal, the anger, the resentment, the feeling of being used and abused at such a vulnerable point. Ugh. I have had to give up my hatred for our supposed BM a million times. Just this week I had someone check to see if she's still in jail. I can't seem to get anywhere, and I truly believe that these people who are CRIMINALS should be punished. I pictured so many physical altercations with this woman, and I'm not that kind of person either! Oh, what else could I say? I know your heart, I know where you are. I HURT literally physically HURT for you and wish I could hug you, have coffee with you, pray with you, rant with you, everything that I needed at this point! Please know I'm always available if you want to talk. You are human and these feelings are natural. God understands, He is there and He will heal!

Ugh. Sometimes our feelings and emotions aren't pretty, but they ARE normal and God understands them and loves us anyway! It's so unbelievable what you and others have been through with schemes like these. Hard to imagine that it actually happens -- it's just so ugly and wrong. I'll keep praying that the Lord will take your anger and hurt and heal your heart.

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When you are joyful, be joyful; when you are sad, be sad. If God has given you a sweet cup, don’t make it bitter; and if He has given you a bitter cup, don’t try and make it sweet; take things as they come. Shade of His Hand, 1226 L, Oswald Chambers