watercooler – Progress Nothing Lesshttp://progressnothingless.com
Your time is now!Tue, 26 Sep 2017 21:15:14 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.2Hilarious bad lip reading of the inauguration that we wish actually happenedhttp://progressnothingless.com/hilarious-bad-lip-reading-of-the-inauguration-that-we-wish-actually-happened/
Tue, 26 Sep 2017 15:15:51 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4896Bad Lip Reading always knocks it out of the park with its absurd interpretations of what people are saying based on the way their mouths are moving. They’ve made NFL stars sound like children and politicians sound foolish. In other words, they are doing important work. Without missing a beat, Bad Lip Reading has released …

Bad Lip Reading always knocks it out of the park with its absurd interpretations of what people are saying based on the way their mouths are moving. They’ve made NFL stars sound like children and politicians sound foolish. In other words, they are doing important work.

Without missing a beat, Bad Lip Reading has released a new video where it puts hilarious words into the mouths of everyone at the inauguration. Obama calls Trump a creep. Mike Pence swears that he was disappointed the continent of Atlantis had not been found. Hillary Clinton makes muppet noises.

This is definitely the way we would prefer to remember Inauguration Day.

]]>10-year-old autistic girl singing ‘Hallelujah’ will send shivers up your spinehttp://progressnothingless.com/10-year-old-autistic-girl-singing-hallelujah-will-send-shivers-up-your-spine/
Sun, 27 Aug 2017 19:00:13 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4879LONDON A 10-year-old girl from Northern Ireland has wowed people around the world after a video of her singing in her school choir went viral. SEE ALSO: Father’s search for autistic son’s cup completed thanks to the kindness of the internet The video of the choirs’s version of Leonard Cohens “Hallelujah” recorded at the school’s …

The video of the choirs’s version of Leonard Cohens “Hallelujah” recorded at the school’s Christmas show has gained almost 170,000 views in three days.

Kaylee Rodgers, from Donaghadee, County Down, has autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but singing has helped her build up her confidence.

According to the National Autistic Society, autism is a “developmental disability that affects how a person communicates with and relates to other people”. The NHS defines ADHD as a group of behavioural symptoms including “inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsiveness”.

People from around the world have been wowed by the little girl’s voice, with hundreds of comments praising Kaylee’s singing ability.

“Wow what a beautiful voice she has,” wrote one commenter. “Leonard Cohen would love this!” wrote another.

Kaylee’s headteacher told UTV that the video shows how far Kaylee has come since she came to the school in Primary Four (aged between 7 and 8).

“For a child who came in P4 and wouldn’t really talk, wouldnt really read out in class, to stand and perform in front of an audience is amazing. It takes a lot of effort on Kaylees part”” Colin Millar, principal of Killard House, told UTV.

Bravo, Kaylee!

BONUS: NFL player saw an autistic child eating alone, so he sat down with him

]]>A plea from the founder of Starbucks to stop buying the Unicorn Frappuccinohttp://progressnothingless.com/a-plea-from-the-founder-of-starbucks-to-stop-buying-the-unicorn-frappuccino/
Sun, 27 Aug 2017 05:16:40 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4867Image: starbucks Hello, my name is Rutherford Q. Starbucks and I am the founder of Starbucks. When an employee first came to me with the Unicorn Frappuccino idea I told him no. I gave you all the benefit of the doubt. I told him, we here at Starbucks, we respect our customers and they respect …

Hello, my name is Rutherford Q. Starbucks and I am the founder of Starbucks.

When an employee first came to me with the Unicorn Frappuccino idea I told him no. I gave you all the benefit of the doubt. I told him, we here at Starbucks, we respect our customers and they respect us. Our mission is to provide our customers a delicious, caffeinated beverage to complement their day.

I let my grandson drink half of one of these and all of his teeth fell out within 45 minutes.

Image: starbucks

I explained to him that our mission is not to fill a cup of rainbow colored, unnecessarily sugary bullshit and sell it to our customers for five dollars. I told him our customers are smarter than that. They won’t buy it. I believed in you. But he insisted.

So, we tested it out at one location, against my better judgment.

And you know what? It sold like fucking crazy. We sold so much of this unicorn drink that I had no choice but to make it a country-wide menu option.

What in God’s name is wrong with you people? Holy Mary, mother of God, what is wrong with you?

What in God’s name is wrong with you people?

I started Starbucks with a simple mission: to sell normal coffee at an alarmingly more expensive price than at other coffee shops. I succeeded. But now? I don’t even know who I am. I have grown cynical with the success of the horrid unicorn drink. Is there even caffeine in this thing? I don’t know. I don’t care. And neither do you. You will buy it and you will drink it. And you will love it. Why? Because we said you would.

Do you know how much it costs us to make a Unicorn Frappunccino? Nothing. It costs us zero dollars. It is Splenda and ice and dye. I know I can’t believe it either.

Our baristas are begging you not to buy this monstrosity. It has made their lives hell. “It takes 45 minutes to make,” they say. “It doesn’t even taste good,” they say. Do you listen? No.

You hogs. You wild, wild hogs.

Please stop putting this loathesome abomination into your body.

Image: starbucks

I wake up every morning on a bed made out of money. I mean that literally. Instead of feathers or cotton, it’s cushioned with stacks of 100 dollar bills. It is NOT comfortable and I do NOT sleep well, but I do it because I can. Because capitalism is thriving.

You are all ants and I am a boy with a magnifying glass, gone mad with power.

You make me sick. And so does the unicorn water that I sell for $5 an ounce.

Every Unicorn Frappuccino you buy funds another (solid gold) hot tub in my (huge) backyard. Do I need it? No. Will I ever use it? Of course not.

This weekend I am buying an island. I have no intention of ever stepping foot on it. But I have the means to do it and I will.

I hope you all enjoy the Unicorn Frappuccino that causes nothing but pain for every single person who touches it. It has broken me, as a businessman and as a lover of coffee.

]]>This UK company will pay you to drink ginhttp://progressnothingless.com/this-uk-company-will-pay-you-to-drink-gin/
Fri, 25 Aug 2017 03:51:10 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4814Image: mashable composite/lawrence k. ho/getty images For the non-Don Drapers among us, drinking at work is a far-off fantasy. But UK company ILoveGin wants to change that for one lucky “gintern.” ILoveGin, which is a monthly, subscription-based gin club (think Birchbox for gins), is hiring a paid intern to taste-test new gins, connect with gin …

For the non-Don Drapers among us, drinking at work is a far-off fantasy. But UK company ILoveGin wants to change that for one lucky “gintern.”

ILoveGin, which is a monthly, subscription-based gin club (think Birchbox for gins), is hiring a paid intern to taste-test new gins, connect with gin brands, visit distilleries across the UK and just generally live a gin-centric existence. Not bad.

]]>‘Beer yoga’ is a real thing, now, because of course it ishttp://progressnothingless.com/beer-yoga-is-a-real-thing-now-because-of-course-it-is/
Wed, 16 Aug 2017 12:36:09 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4658Hmm, beer. Image: bieryoga/facebook Nothing like putting down an icy cold beer. Except, of course, achieving a higher state of being and eventual transcendence of the Self through the practice of yoga. But what if you could do both, at the same time? SEE ALSO: Australia’s oldest living prime minister really knows how to chug …

Yes: Beer yoga is here. After being enjoyed by Berlin hipsters, it’s now found its way to Australian shoresa land where beer’s most definitely a religious practice, at least as much as yoga. And not in the best way.

Germany’s BierYoga A.K.A BeerYoga bills itself as the “marriage of two great lovesbeer and yoga. Both are centuries-old therapies for mind, body and soul,” according to its website.

And if you think they’re just being cute, think again.

Image: bieryoga/facebook

“BeerYoga is fun but it’s no joke,” founder and yogi Jhula writes. “We take the philosophies of yoga and pair it with the pleasure of beer-drinking to reach your highest level of consciousness.”

But even Jhula wasn’t the first person to promote enlightenment through yoga under the influence of alcohol. The instructor told Ex Berliner they first saw it done at (American culture festival/desert apocalypse party shitshow) Burning Man.

But wherever it came from, it’s definitely now a thing, and a thing being marketed unironically Down Under.

Two special sessions of beer meets asana will take place in Sydney this weekend, where students can learn yoga poses involving “beer salutations” and balancing beer bottles on one’s headjust watch out for bottle smashes.

The event page assures would-be attendees that no yoga experience is necessary. Just an “open mind and a love of beer.”

And if you think that all this does nothing to curb binge-drinking and/or cheapens a legitimate and sadly oft-perverted spiritual practice, then you can just Namaste away.

BONUS: NBD, just a massive alligator out for a stroll

]]>What to do when a ‘Game of Thrones’ sex scene starts and you’re in awkward companyhttp://progressnothingless.com/what-to-do-when-a-game-of-thrones-sex-scene-starts-and-youre-in-awkward-company/
Mon, 14 Aug 2017 08:46:36 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4592Warning: There might be a spoiler or two if you’ve never watched before or you’re very behind. It’s Game of Thrones season again and you know what that means! Blood, betrayal, and buttloads of sex. Despite (or possibly because of) all the sexy stuff that goes down in GoT, it really is a show pretty …

So instead of excusing yourself to go get a glass of water (what if you come back too late and miss a major plot point), here are some solutions to various uncomfortable sex scene situations.

1. The Death Deflect

Situation: You’re innocently watching with your sibling and then Cersei and Jaime start getting it on.

Solution: Start naming all your favorite character deaths. “Yo bro remember the time *insert name here* was killed by *insert cause of death here*? All that blood everywhere?! Haha yeah, I love violence. What was your favorite death?”

Image: giphy

2. The Doggy Distraction

Situation: You’re watching with your crush, whom you have yet to make a move on, when Grey Worm and Missandei (FINALLY) have sex.

Solution: Ask your crush if they’ve seen any good dog videos on the internet lately. Ease that sexual tension with something completely pure. Plus, it’s a great way to get to know them better.

3. The Hillary Coverup

Situation: You and your mom are bonding over your shared love of fantasy television when suddenly a sex scene breaks out and it’s super degrading towards women.

Solution: Ask your mom to Google “Which states did Hillary win in the Primaries”. If she asks why you can’t just do it, say you miss when she would read to you as a child.

4. The Small Talk Shutdown

Situation: You’re enjoying an episode with your pops when suddenly a very sensual sex scene ensues that ends with a man’s penis being chopped off.

Solution: Start coughing extremely loudly to gain the attention of your father. He’ll ask what is wrong and you can reply, “Allergy season.” Which will probably lead to a conversation about the crazy weather we’ve been having.

Image: giphy

Well Game of Thrones fans, happy to help!

And hey, if all else fails bring up the latest Trump tweet.

Actually, no, in that case it’s better to just watch the sex scene in silence.

]]>Salma Hayek lent Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively a hand on family dinner nighthttp://progressnothingless.com/salma-hayek-lent-ryan-reynolds-and-blake-lively-a-hand-on-family-dinner-night/
Sat, 12 Aug 2017 17:26:27 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4544Just because you’re famous doesn’t mean when you’re invited to someone’s house for dinner, they don’t expect you to work. On Thursday, actress Salma Hayek posted a picture of herself on Instagram, showing off that she scored an invite to Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively’s house for dinner. But she probably didn’t count on having …

]]>Just because you’re famous doesn’t mean when you’re invited to someone’s house for dinner, they don’t expect you to work.

On Thursday, actress Salma Hayek posted a picture of herself on Instagram, showing off that she scored an invite to Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively’s house for dinner. But she probably didn’t count on having to cook and babysit.

In Reynold’s defense, parenting can be pretty exhausting. Sometimes you just have to let your fellow actors help you out whenever they can.

Though the pair will co-star in the upcoming movie The Hitman’s Body Guard, this isn’t the first time Hayek’s showed up in support of Reynolds. On Instagram last year, she posted a picture of herself posing with a Deadpool figure and congratulating Reynolds on his success with the Deadpool movie.

]]>It’s not in Peter’s best interest to be the next ‘Bachelor’ and here’s whyhttp://progressnothingless.com/its-not-in-peters-best-interest-to-be-the-next-bachelor-and-heres-why/
Wed, 09 Aug 2017 15:08:32 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4451Pals, Monday night’s The Bachelorette finale was wild. Rachel sent home a crowd favorite, there was a very long, agonizing breakup, and it all culminated in an extremely windy, hollow-ish proposal that didn’t seem quite right. We’re here to clear up another thing, though: Peter should not be the next Bachelor. It just wouldn’t make …

Rachel sent home a crowd favorite, there was a very long, agonizing breakup, and it all culminated in an extremely windy, hollow-ish proposal that didn’t seem quite right. We’re here to clear up another thing, though:

The final episode featured a heartbreaking, long-winded breakup between Rachel and Peter. Essentially, Rachel expected a proposal, but Peter was unsure about making such a commitment too soon. Neither would budge on their stance.

Both parties have the right to feel this way. Rachel, who is a veteran of this show by now, is certainly allowed to expect a proposal. After all, the Bachelorette expects to no longer be a bachelorette at the end of this whole thing, and is in it to win it “it” being a husband.

Peter, for his part, has the right to want to wait longer than nine weeks to propose to a woman he’s known for just that long. It was clear by the heart-wrenching and “frustrating” discussion about their future (if you want to know know many times it’s possible to work the word “frustrating” into a 20-minute conversation, please watch The Bachelorette season finale), that Rachel and Peter loved one another. That is, they love each other as much as they can after this process. And let’s face it, if Peter was seriously down to propose, Rachel would’ve totally chosen him over Bryan. Who wouldn’t?

But no, Peter wanted to take it slow, get to know Rachel further, think about their future together, wait to propose until the moment was truly right, and make sure his proposal to Rachel would be his last proposal ever. Rachel wasn’t down for that. She was confused and put off by the fact that Peter “didn’t know what he wanted,” and their discussion ended in a tearful goodbye that ripped Peter fans’ hearts to shreds, including mine.

True, Peter might appear to be one of the most genuine, honest contestants in the franchise’s history. It was frustrating for him that he loved Rachel so much, but couldn’t convince her to sacrifice her quest for the ring.

One question though: has Peter ever seen this show?

If Peter knew that he would always want to wait longer than nine weeks to decide if he wanted to marry someone and knew that The Bachelorette typically ends in a proposal, why did he come on the show?

From the beginning, Rachel knew what she wanted. She had seen this kind of behavior from her last boyfriend he talked a lovely game, but ultimately couldn’t commit. Peter said he wants a wife and kids and to go to football games and picnics or whatever with Rachel, but he didn’t take the step to get there. Again, Peter is allowed to be cautious about one of the biggest decisions of his life, but then why was he a contestant on a show that notably squishes ‘falling in love’ into less than three months?

Typically, a booted Bachelorette contestantbecomes the next Bachelor, but this contestant should not be Peter.

During the live finale where Rachel and Peter uncomfortably sat next to each other on a couch after not seeing each other since the night they broke up Rachel told Peter that this process “might not be for him.” Let’s be real, though: she’s really saying, “Dude, why did you waste my time?” And Peter agrees. This process might not be for him after all.

That exchange tells us all we need to know. If ABC decides to make Peter the next Bachelor, they’re making a huge mistake. And so is Peter if he accepts.

Sure, the season could be marketed as the season where Peter is finally ready to settle, but that would just seem fake at this point. It is so obvious that Peter doesn’t want to play the game that if he did agree to be the next Bachelor, everything his fans love about him his genuineness, his honesty, etc. would be out the window. Then he would be playing the same game we’ve seen reality stars play too often the one where the B-list star tries everything to stay in the spotlight at all costs.

I don’t want to see him be a pawn in that game.

Don’t make Peter the bachelor please. So lost in his head and it seems commitment wouldn’t come at the end. Feel 4 Rachael #TheBachelorette

So Peter, you’ll be fine. You will find a girl who you’ll date for months, if not years, and you two will settle down when the time is right. You will get your wife, your kids, your football games, your family dinners. (Your modeling photos and your personal training business and your six-pack abs will surely not hurt your chances.) And when the time is right, the girl you choose will be your first and last proposal, just like you want.

You just won’t find her on the next season of The Bachelor. Leave that to Eric.

]]>Meet Stella, a cat without ears looking for a new homehttp://progressnothingless.com/meet-stella-a-cat-without-ears-looking-for-a-new-home/
Wed, 09 Aug 2017 01:06:43 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4436An adorable kitty in Yorkshire, England, is looking for a new home. She comes with love, snuggles, and probably her own toys, but there’s just one thing missing… Hi, I love you. Image: SWNS She doesn’t have ears! Stella the 12-year-old Turkish Angora cat was unfortunately abandoned by her owners, but thankfully rescued by Blue …

Little Stella had her ears cut off after a scary bout of skin cancer. But now she’s healthy and happy and looking for a new family to love her.

Hannah Coggin, a volunteer at the cattery, said that Stella is as spry and playful as ever, even though she’s a little mature

“Shes 12 years old but still acts like a kitten,” Coggin explains. “She loves people and a good cuddle. She really doesnt act her age at all. Shes just so friendly, shed make someone a lovely pet even if she does look a bit strange.”

If by “strange” you mean “extremely cute and lovable,” then yes, she is strange.

I’m beautiful.

Image: SWNS

Stella doesn’t seem to be too upset about not having ears she calls herself a “stunning distinguished lady” in her adoption profile.

Hello My name is Stella and I’m a Turkish Angora.

I suppose that we better talk about the elephant in the room first, I have no ears! They were removed last year as the Vet I was seeing thought that I may of developed skin cancer in one of them. I have since being given a full bill of health with no further treatment required.

Please don’t let this put you off, I am a stunning distinguished lady that is looking for her forever home.I have only just arrived here at Grimsby but I have already made friends with the lovely staff. I like to fuss around them when they come into see me as I’ve worked out that this may get me the odd treat or two.

If you feel that you could offer me the loving home I do truly deserve them please get in touch,

Yours faithfully, Stella XX

Coggin adds that although Stella lacks ears, she can hear surprisingly well, especially when a can of food is opened nearby.

“Shes come to us after having her ears removed, but they were taken off last year because she had cancer,” Coggin said. “Since then weve kept an eye on her but she hasnt needed any other treatment at all and has been doing really well.”

Although Stella’s previous owners paid for the operation, they brought her into the shelter after their circumstances changed and they could no longer look after her. But now another lucky family will get to fall in love with Stella just as much as we already have.

Image: SWNS

“We really hope she can find herself a happy home to grow old in,” said Coggin.

So do we. Run, don’t walk to adopt this sweet kitty who lacks a little something in appearance, but has tons more love to give.

WATCH: Abandoned baby sea otter finds a new home

]]>That last ‘Game of Thrones’ battle made the internet lose its mindhttp://progressnothingless.com/that-last-game-of-thrones-battle-made-the-internet-lose-its-mind/
Mon, 07 Aug 2017 13:08:07 +0000http://progressnothingless.com/?p=4388Spoilers follow for Game of Thrones Season 7, episode four. So don’t act like you haven’t been warned, dummy. HOOOOooooooooo boy. That last scene. Well, well, well. Instead of sending her dragons to burn King’s Landing to the ground and ruling a pile of ash, Dany decided to bring one dragon to burn down all …

Spoilers follow for Game of Thrones Season 7, episode four. So don’t act like you haven’t been warned, dummy.

HOOOOooooooooo boy. That last scene.

Well, well, well. Instead of sending her dragons to burn King’s Landing to the ground and ruling a pile of ash, Dany decided to bring one dragon to burn down all of King’s Landing’s food. Makes sense.

Victorious Lannister troops, fresh off their win at Highgarden, were truckin’ along back home with all the food to feed their massive army and the city at large. And wouldn’t you know it? A Dothraki horde just so happens to be heading that way, too. Oh and Khaleesi riding a dragon was there as well. You know. Death.