Wandering the double mazes of infertility and living in a foreign culture.

Friday, 11 February 2011

Slowly going crazy out here...

Aggh! I really hate my subconscious right now. Like hate. Hate. And I really hate getting annoyed with myself, so all in all...

Over the last few days, I'm not sure where its come from, I've developed this nagging suspicion that I might be pregnant. I have no idea where this has come from. I have NO symptoms, and it's still about a week before my period is due so I'm not even late. I have some minor pain at my scarring from my ectopic operation, but that happens every month, so cannot be counted.

And yet I still have this nagging feeling.

This morning I woke up from a very odd dream (when the cat jumped on me) in which I had to open some hospital results which showed hcg tests. They weren't in an envelope. Instead it was almost like a lottery scratch card but I had to pull open a little tab. Some of them were reading zero, but some were showing a very low level, like 5 or 6, and there was a note suggesting a retest in a few weeks.

It's only a dream, you say! I have weird dreams all the time, you say! Yes, this is true, but my dreams are often connected to my cycle. A few days before my period, I will dream about it - buying tampons, or some such thing. And last year, when I was pregnant but didn't know it, I dreamed of unwrapping something wrapped in tissue which turned out to be... a positive pregnancy test. (So maybe it's true, you say!)

With this knowledge in mind I lay in bed waiting for the alarm (I often refuse the cat the satisfaction of getting up just because he feels it's time to) berating myself for my own stupidity for hoping this might be true. If you haven't read the rest of this blog, please be aware that the chances of me getting pregnant 'the old fashioned way' are near zero.

While berating myself, I also swore I would not give in to my craziness by taking a home pregnancy test. I would not. I cannot get pregnant. Stop being so stupid, woman.

The alarm went. I got up, went to the bathroom, and peed on a stick. (OK, in a cup, then put the stick in it, as the tests I have are internet cheapies). I could say I did it for peace of mind, but I was waiting, squinting as the dye ran up towards the control line... did it catch where the positive line would be? No? Well, let's just wait as it says to wait five minutes for a definite answer.

The definite answer: you are not pregnant. Which is what I have been screaming at myself for the last few days. And I think I now know how hysterical pregnancies occur...