I can’t deal with how much I’ve hurt him. I can’t deal with being without him, with him refusing to talk to me.

Even if, somehow, he did manage to forgive me, where could it possibly go? Back to what we were before? No. He’s still married. And I still have a wonderful man living with me who cares about me and wants to patch things up despite what happened with this person.

There is no way past this. I want what’s impossible and every day is either numb self-delusion or the agony of staring reality in the face. I don’t want to forget him. Â I don’t ever want to forget that I was so happy, or trusted someone so much, or felt so loved. Â It’s unthinkable.

Apart from being universally hated and spat on by every other child in my school for ten years, I had a happy childhood. Â None of this horrible parental stuff, no abuse. Â It was just living like a social pariah at school, day in, day out, that got me into the suicide clinic when I was 16.

I have no self-esteem. Â No self-worth. Â No sense of honor or dignity. Â If I did, I’d leave this man alone to his family and go to the man who wants me. I’d stop cutting myself and knocking myself out with Ambien. Â I’d stop scaring the people who care about me.

I don’t want to wake up again. Â I don’t want the slightest chance of ever waking up to this reality again, and every single method carries that risk – along with the risk that you’ll have been discovered, have hurt everyone, and have made the reality That Much Worse than it was before.

Death, please find me. Â He wants me to have killed myself, and I can’t do it for him. Â Please make us both happy, and take me away.

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Don’t think about what other people want. Think about what YOU want. If you don’t even care about yourself do you think that anyone else gives a shit about you? If you think you are worthless, then you really are a worthless piece of meat. I am being really blunt here, but is this what you wanted to hear? Or did you expect someone to say “your life is special and precious and there are people who care about you so don’t kill yourself”? I can say something to you, and someone else can say something else to try to get you not to commit suicide, but nothing anyone says will matters because the change has to come from yourself.

” He wants me to have killed myself, and I canâ€™t do it for him.”

You probably wont listen to this, but if you’re going to kill yourself, don’t do it for another person. You should do it for your own reasons. If I killed myself everytime someone told me to jump off a cliff, I would be dead a hundred times already.