Talking to strangers

Why do we divulge our innermost secrets to people we hardly know, such as
our hairdresser or personal trainer? Lisa Mitchell finds out.

It's hard to know exactly
what shifts between the
age of eight and 18, but
the golden rule of "Don't
talk to strangers" swings
suddenly to "Must confide
in alien-beyondtrusted-
circle".

In adulthood, these outpourings
can occur weekly to
massage therapists, even more
often to personal trainers. The
juiciest tidbits might unravel
over years to beauty therapists
and hairdressers. If there is one
thing personal service industry
professionals have in common
it is our trust - buckets of it.

Take the colloquial definition
of stranger: "A person who
is unaccustomed or new".
Certainly, grooming specialists
are not accustomed to the
"you" friends and family know
too well, yet we allow them
intimate access to our most
vulnerable nooks. From a bikini
or back wax to having a
"girly moustache" removed via
electrolysis, the bashful among
us become garrulous,
groomers say, as we attempt to
mask the awkwardness of the
situation or distract ourselves
from the pain.

"People with problems
either want to tell everyone
about it, or no one they know,"
says Stephanie Christopherson
of Stephanie's Skin Fitness in
South Yarra. "People say things
to us because they know we've
heard it all before and they
want an unbiased opinion on
it. They use us as a sounding
board, but we're not psychologists
and I'll recommend people
seek counselling if I feel
they need it."

Relationships are the number
one topic of discussion, followed
by work, health and the
biggies that take more time to
disclose - personal revelations.

Tracey Hogan, a lecturer
with the Nature Care College of
Natural Therapies and Life
Studies in Sydney recalls those
challenging early days in practice.
A client, who usually kept
to herself, offered her tragic life
story after a remedial massage.
She had experienced three
failed marriages and a catastrophic
hysterectomy.

Massage increases the flow of the cuddle
chemical, oxytocin, which releases peace and
calm and increases our desire for contact and
our ability to relate to others.

"They didn't know she was
pregnant at the time. Not only
did she lose her first husband
and child over it, but she could
never have children again. In
the end, her second husband
decided he wanted children
too. I thought to myself then -
massage is a very powerful
tool," says Hogan.

Indeed it is. Professor
Kerstin Uvnas Moberg of the
Karolinska Institut in
Stockholm has studied the
physiological effects of massage.
She claims it increases
the flow of the cuddle chemical,
oxytocin, which releases
peace and calm and increases
our desire for contact and our
ability to relate to others. Other
sensory associations can
unleash us too, says Hogan. For
some people, being wrapped in
a warm towel during massage
revives snuggly childhood feelings
of being scooped from the
tub by their mothers.

Aromatherapy oils are particularly
helpful in stimulating
or calming emotional responses,
she says, especially when
male clients mistake her nurturing
massage for a potential
dinner date. "Erections are a
common thing, but that can
happen as a natural muscle
reflex. I use an essential oil
called marjoram. It acts as an
anaphrodisiac, which stops
sexual desire."

In this age of confessional
and reality television, counselling
and peer support
groups, we can't possibly separate
privacy from the public
arena as we have in decades
past, says Pauline Savy, a lecturer
in sociology at LaTrobe
University's Wodonga campus.

We've created industries based
on our ability to harness the
emotions of strangers, she says.
From beaming flight attendents
to supermarket checkout
howdy-dos, it's all about forming
instant bonds that will
ensure repeat business.
In Savy's field, they've classified
this dynamic as "emotion
work" - the emotional tinkering
of ourselves and others to
produce ease and empathy.

Culturally, we've also come to
expect this special relationship
from groomers, says Savy.
When that work is attached to
a service, from counselling to
prostitution - even facials -
it's called "emotional labour".

"The regulation of our own
and others' feelings might be
central to our occupation," says
Savy. "And it is compounded by
economic parameters - we, or
our bosses, stand to gain from
the successful manipulation of
feeling. Given the growth of the
service sector, emotional
labour is now formally taught
as part of occupational training."

Jay Giblett from SYT
Personalized Training can
spend as much as five hours
per week with an individual,
which is plenty of time to exercise
a client's demons between
grunts and ab flexes.
"We try to make the client
feel like they're most important
person in the world and that's
part of our service."

Christopherson says listening
to and reacting appropriately
to her clients' emotional
needs is about 80 per cent of
her business. She has confidentiality
clauses in staff contracts
to ensure no chitchat
leaves the salon. Staff need to
know how to handle the big
revelations, from love affairs
turned rabid and terminal illness
to people's deepest, darkest
sexual secrets.

Savy says there are questions
about whether this new
breed of emotional labour
workers will suffer burnout
from the "fakeness" of caring
too much, but from her own
personal experience as a nurse,
she is sure most are listening to
our mundane woes because
they find it rewarding.

"They also enrich their own
emotional repertoires and life
experiences by sharing in the
existential real-life dramas of
others."