life in increments

I spent the first half of the year shedding most of the surface things that didn’t matter: crap in my schedule, incessant worrying about dumb things that just take up brain space and distract from deeper fears. In the spring, I went a step further and let go of a few relationships that had been draining my heart. That was mostly a brain game, I didn’t tangibly sit anyone down for a big talk or anything, I just gave myself permission to stop pursuing this or that friendship, I acknowledged the people in my life that weren’t working out, either on my end or theirs. Some of those decisions were painful, some a little embarrassing, but after awhile it felt really good, really whole, not to be trying so hard in my relationships.

Admittedly, in the last few months I lost track of my Only What Matters goals. It’s been a happy, busy summer. But even though I haven’t concentrated on the phrase, it’s interesting what has seeped into our daily living anyway. That’s the thing about mantras, I guess, if they really take hold. They pulse through your decisions whether you’re actively seeking them or not.

So at the lake it became “What matters about this meal for 20?” That everyone leaves the table sated. Not that every morsel is the best of their life. “What matters about this afternoon?” That we spent quality time together. Not anything that’s waiting on my computer. “What matters about this boat ride?” That my daughter sees me try a new skill, not that it’s accomplished or not.

I’ve had the space lately to think about another aspect of what matters, and that is active discussion. In the course of so many people in and out of our house this summer, I’ve participated in and overheard some hard conversations. As a matter of principle, I usually steer away from controversial topics like politics or religion with people I like, in the interest of keeping the peace. But some of the national conversations that are taking place right now are so important. I’ve often kept silent for the sake of relationship, but that’s not always doing myself or the world justice. Speaking up has been scary (I usually shake while doing so), but there’s a freedom afterward, and I always learn something, especially when there is disagreement.

"What matters about this conversation?" That we both walk away smiling or that we stand up for something we believe or that we listen to another side or that we all evolve a little bit more? It’s a case by case basis, that one. But finding my voice - an active voice, with a person sitting in front of me, and not just from behind my screen - has been liberating and terrifying and, hopefully, furthering for all of us. I didn’t even realize how quiet I’d become over the years on things that mattered.

Staring at the back half of this year, I’m pruning even more. What matters in my parenting has been a tender topic to explore. What matters about my career has been the most complicated of all, but I’m getting there. Lest you think I’ve been overly intentional about this mantra, you should know that I forget about it for days, even weeks at a time. But it’s funny how once you put something into the universe, it won’t let you forget. It comes to you. Some of what matters has been decided for me, whether it was my wish or not.

Simplifying has been beneficial in every single way. I’ve cooked more, yet stressed about food less. I’ve written more, and trashed the most amount of sentences. I have less friends than I did in January, but feel more myself.

We got home late on Sunday night, I have a nasty cold, and what mattered to me yesterday was unpacking our suitcases and going to the grocery store. So I did those two things and then I took a nap.

A tiny decision, but this was a large leap in my head. On another day, I would have pushed myself to write a blog post instead of getting rest, just because it was Monday and this is what I do. I would have added “take down all the Christmas decorations” to the most important To Dos. I would have stayed up an extra 30 minutes writing down weekly goals and meal plans and then when one or all of these things didn’t manifest, I would berate myself.

Now you’ve been introduced to my busy self critic. She’s a beast.

There is something to be said for structure and discipline, but after a year of monthly challenges and Doing the Work, I've tipped into a place that is outside of that healthy paradigm. I need a more simple message to tell myself. One that doesn't involve daily checklists or achievement. There is a refrain that has been floating through my head for weeks now. It marches and sings. It has brought me clarity and time. It shouts, whispers, and hums Only What Matters. Those are the literal words: Only What Matters.

I’m trying to strip everything down in my world. Possessions, lists, obligations, relationships, joys. There is too much all the time. We’ve YES’D ourselves into this little corner of life’s room where we can see our children playing in the middle, we can even smile and appreciate in our head that they are so beautiful, but we can’t feel anything. There’s too much stuff between our corner and their designated play space. But by golly, we’ve got control of the room, you might even call the corner where we’re trapped the “command center.” It’s an abundance of riches, really. So many choices! We’re at the helm!

Yet. It’s too much. We’re choking the life out of ourselves with the much-ness. And the control is an illusion anyway.

I wasted a lot of time last year on things that did not matter. I fretted over what people thought of me. I stressed over clothes and my home, and while I want both of those things to be presentable and to my taste, they’re meant to be enjoyed and they do not actually matter. I got confused about that.

I poured a lot of energy into this blog (because it’s comfortable) and scared myself off of chasing other dreams (because they’re not). I got irrationally upset with someone else's life choices, something that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I decided against writing about a certain topic because I thought another person's feelings mattered more than mine. Maybe they did. I’m still confused about that.

Some of these things are just life, the regular missteps of a regular woman. But when I look back on the last few years as a whole, I know that I’ve come a little off track because I cared about the wrong things. Many times, a future Laura should have held me by the shoulders firmly and said THIS THING DOES NOT MATTER.

So I don’t want to be a cautionary tale. I want to re-route as soon as I realize I've missed the turn. I’m starting to say no. I’m reminding myself that spinning out emotionally is futile. I want only a handful of priorities, TOTAL.

I’ve cleaned out my clothes closet. I’m relaxing my blog schedule. I’ll eat healthy for lunch and have dessert after dinner. Or vice versa. I’m putting my phone away and pulling out my journal. Or vice versa. If it isn’t on my very small list of Things That Matter, then I have to think long and hard before I give it one more breath. It’s time to get back to my core.

*

This is my 4th year to have a mantra for the year. Each time it has come to me making the most perfect sense for that season. Adopt any or all of them as we start a new calendar.

My theme for this year is Do the Work. I had to think long and hard about it, even as the phrase kept flowing through my mind for the last couple of months. I had to make sure that it wasn’t a way of beating myself up, a subconscious way of saying You Are Not Enough, Your Efforts Are Not Enough, This Is Not Enough.

But no, that’s not how I mean it. It’s not a reprimand. Rather, it's a natural progression from the themes of the past two years, which were Start Where You Are and Set the Tone.

I’ve decided to start, I’ve dressed the part and lit the candles (so to speak), and now I’m going to buckle down.

I juggle a lot on any given day, even on those when I fall into bed feeling unproductive. But in many ways, I’m on an endless cycle of prepping for something and not actually DOing the something. I endlessly prepare, but often don’t actually do the thing. Do the Work. So I read parenting books about discipline (we currently do not have a discipline problem that needs to be addressed) and scroll through websites and pinterest feeds about how to organize or decorate a room without actually ever organizing or decorating the room. Figuratively. Well, and also literally.

This has left me stymied. This has left me feeling perpetually low-grade frustrated. Only recently have I put my finger on the fact that I’ve done a decent job of treading water while in the tiny children stage of life, now it’s time to lean in to forward momentum.

I bought a full set of yoga clothes, I haven’t been to yoga in over a year. I have a whole closet full of purchased, empty photo frames. Awhile ago I got so overwhelmed with my email inbox that I just...stopped. I pay a lot of lip service towards the importance of rest, but my sleep habits are still so far from ideal. The monthly discipline challenges are part of this mindset I’m attempting to steer towards. Another way of saying this year’s phrase would be Do the Things You Say You’re Going To Do. But that doesn’t ring in my ears the same as Do the Work.

So maybe the “work” is actual work, but maybe it’s an investment in my kids, my marriage, myself. Maybe the work some days is forced rest. Maybe the work is therapy. Great lives are not an accident, and I want mine to be less about emotional survival and more about pursuit and enjoyment.

Lastly and most importantly, I have two (three?) writing projects that I’ve been thinking about constantly for about six months. But I can always find something more pressing or more instantly gratifying than to write hard stuff. So I don’t. But now I’m gonna. So says my new year mantra: Do the Work.

When I think about stories to tell from the decade that was my 20’s, I get lost in a sea of emotions but have a hard time coming up with relevant specifics. It’s almost like my early childhood, where I have hazy recollections of actual events but vivid memories of colors and moments. Not that I could sum it up in two words or ten, but in my heart I carry a tone of that time.

My high school and college years are clearer, those formative relationships and transitions, I can remember more about that stretch of my life than almost any other. But even in the jumble of best friends and broken hearts and the cheerleading bus and fraternity hall parties, I could paint that picture in just a few strokes. The colors, they are the same. Primary reds in some areas, darker, so much darker, in certain corners. Bright afternoon sunlight on the Oklahoma campus, faded yellow of my childhood home.

As an adult, I drown in the details more than I used to. I’m always learning that not everything has to be handled with white gloves, not every moment a memory. I don’t want to skate through the year, but it’s terribly exhausting to seize, seize, seize, the day every day all day. Like it or not, most people’s week has a healthy dose of laundry and errands. So when I look back at the bigger picture, at my children’s earliest memories and this journey of my 30’s, what do I want it to look like? What will I want the colors to be?

Well, right now it would look like a lot of time at the kitchen table feeding people, and a lot of time in front of the computer, and more time than I could possibly imagine on an airplane. Of course there’s a lot of stuff in between. We play outside and have dinner with friends, and the stuff of life fills twenty-four increments pretty quickly. But when I close my eyes I see a black and white floor and patterned wallpaper and my kids with big smiles and my daughter in a tutu and my son crawling down the hall. I also see facebook and the interior of my car, because these are things my eyeballs see every day.

Are these the images my mind will conjure when I look back from a greater distance? I’m not sure, one can never have a true perspective of these things when you’re in it. But I know enough about life now to know that when you look back on seasons, there is a tone. There is a vibe, there are colors, there is a prevailing sense of what it was, and I think that on some level you can control it.

From this blog to my daily life, I want to create the colors of my life. I want to set the tone for our family memories. Sometimes this might mean I gotta fake it ‘til I make it. But I don’t think it’s inauthentic to set up an atmosphere for my kids to have the healthiest recollection possible. I don’t think it’s inauthentic to decide my grumpy mood will not dictate this family vacation. As a mom, I set the tone for my family. As a writer, I set the tone for my stories.

Walking through my life, I will be aware of the wave that I am making. There’s only so much I can paint, but I want those things to be meaningful. I believe in being who you are, but more strongly I believe in being the best of who you are. In 2013, I am setting the tone for my family, my home, my memories, my life. It’s pink and gold and sort of bokeh-y. At least for now.

-

In 2012, my theme for the year was Start Where You Are. In my year-end recap, I asked, "Now that we've started, where are we going?" These thoughts have been bumbling around in my brain for a couple of months now, and Set the Tone felt like a natural progression for 2013. I'm excited to see where it leads.

I welcomed 2012 in the quiet of my childhood home, my two month old baby sleeping quietly beside me. I was glad to see a new year. 2011 was difficult for our family in many ways, facing death and disease and discomfort. I wanted the fresh start. I believe in them.

This year was redeeming on some levels. It was not twelve months of perfect, but it was not all painful, either. There is still disease, and that weighs on our hearts every day. People we love fight monsters we don’t understand and our physical distance furthers our helplessness. There was also joy, and healing, and cracks that provided transformation.

I was a friend. Relationship is the key of my life. In Oklahoma, where the culture is so different, I took for granted the natural friendships. Since I moved to LA and out of the sorority house at the same time, I have learned one lesson after another about adult friendship. It has been mostly confusing and frustrating. I spent many years trying to twist LA’s arm into what I believed it was doing wrong in the girlfriend department, and it was only when I let go of these expectations that I found a camaraderie in this city and, of course, online. Friendship doesn’t look the same in 2012 as it did in 1995, and relaxing into that brought people into my life for whom I am grateful. Realizing, slowly, that old friendships will also change has been a relief. I clench less tightly to parts of my past, hoping others will give me the same grace.

Of all my talk about friendship over the years, I’ve had revelations lately that my angst clouded the fact that I am often a crummy friend. I won’t make any grand declarations about how I’m going to change this, just that acknowledgment is the first step.

I was a mother. Just as with my daughter, my recovery and emergence from the fog was slower than I would have liked after the delivery of my son. When I was going through pictures this weekend, some of the earliest of Pirate don’t even ring a bell. Fourteen months later, I wouldn’t say my body has bounced completely back, but my mind feels better. These early years are hard. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Wouldn’t you know it, I’m not the most patient parent. I am quick to accept my strengths and weaknesses in many areas, but there are things about my own parenting that I know I want to do better. I’m okay with not being the fun-wrestle-on-the-floor momma, but I wish we sat and read books together more. I’m okay with being the primary disciplinarian, but I need to make sure to temper that with as much healthy praise as possible. These early years are hard. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

I was a wife.The Gorilla and I celebrated five years of marriage this September. Our wedding weekend seems like it was just minutes ago, but I feel like I have been joined to this man for most of my life. His work and its success gives us our home, our food, our lifestyle, and it comes with strings attached. This year we had to make more compromises on our time and hearts than we ever have previously. We draw from a solid foundation, and I praise God above that I married someone kind and generous, with the ability to put up with a lot of crazy. Marriage is a marathon.

I was a writer. I called myself that this year for the first time without trepidation. I have always been a writer in my heart, but I haven’t always written. This year, as a paid writer for several websites and with the invitation to visit Sri Lanka with World Vision, I finally felt like I was moving towards a dream.

Still, I want to deepen. I feel like I fell into some bloggy traps this year that I want to rectify for 2013. Most days it’s easier to tell you my beauty routine instead of opening my soul, but great moisturizer only enhances so much. Writing is for me like exercising is for others. I breathe and sleep better when I’m doing it. I feel off when I don’t. I have written tens of thousands of words in 2012, but most of them won’t last beyond their link. I vow to write more that matters.

My mantra for 2012 was to Start Where You Are. I said it to myself all year, and I have messages from many of you that you did, too. I did, I think, Start. The message of it is something I will carry forward. So we’ve started, now what? This is the middle, how do I want to fill it? How do you?

So far 2012 has been a flurry of activity and travel and opportunities and fun. As packed as the days and weeks have been, I've still tried to inch my way towards the goals that I've set, keeping in mind the years mantra of Start Where You Are.

1. Read 30 books. So far I've read two: Prep and Zelda. Clearly I need to step it up a bit. Though I do tend to read a lot more in the summer.

2. Learn Something New. I took an online photoshop course and I did learn some things. Then I learned even more than I expected at the Blissdom blog conference. Then, as life tends to do, I've also learned more about myself as a wife, mother, friend, and person. But that happens every year. So was this one a gimme? Let's circle back to the photoshop course. Skills learned.

3. Improve My Posture. I've started practicing yoga and it is making my life better. It makes me aware of my posture, my core, and my breath. I do think that it's helping to alleviate the stress I put on my upper back with my poor posture and tension levels. I bought a pack of yoga classes, so I'm roped in at least for awhile.

4. Actively Educate Myself On the Bible. I've gotten as far as ordering the Jesus Storybook Bible, as recommended by so many of you. But it still sits on my desk unopened. That one is going to take a little more effort than I have thus far exerted, but it's not for lack of interest. I just feel like this one deserves a more thoughtful space, and I haven't carved that out yet.

In summary: so far so good. All of these things have stayed in the back of my mind daily, and they all remain important to me. Reminding myself to Start Where You Are, whether it's starting a large project or starting dinner has also made a difference in my Can Do attitude. And considering that a year ago I was spending most of my days in bed early pregnant, I feel productive and positive.

Lots of you linked up or shared your goals here in January. I'd love to hear where you are now. Have you thrown your hands up or are you plugging along? Or somewhere in between? Share your progress!

We're one week into 2012, so we should be refining and enforcing our goals for the year. *Should* is the operative word. Some of us haven't even started yet. It's a good thing my 2012 mantra is Start Where You Are.

Here's just a few of the things on my list for 2012:

1. Read 30 Books.I read 22 books in 2011, which is actually more than I thought, since throughout the year I kept feeling like I wasn't reading enough. Now, I read a lot of stuff. I love magazines and blogs and long form journalism, so even if I'm not reading a book, I'm in the middle of something else. But my book list continues to grow (this will always be so) and I continue to love it, so I want to make a concerted effort to read more. I think I can squeeze eight more in than I did last year.

2. Learn Something New. I am a huge creature of habit and it takes a lot for me to start at complete zero with something and master it. But I want to challenge myself more, both for the knowledge benefit and to stretch my brain. I'm not entirely sure what this will be yet. It can't be too tiny, but it has to be something managable. I'm learning towards learning Photoshop.

3. Improve my Posture. This couldn't be any more random, but the terrible posture I've had since I was a kid is now haunting me in my advancing age. I know that it affects the way I hold tension in my back and shoulders, which in turn makes me sore and grumpy. I recently signed up for a few yoga classes (which could also apply to resolution #2), as I know that it could help.

4. Actively Educate Myself on the Bible. I did not grow up in church. I didn't join or even really participate in church activities until I was in middle school. This means that I missed out on all the Sunday School Bible stories. I get them all mixed up, almost comically. A good friend has suggested that I use a children's Bible, and I'm all over that.

So there you have it, four goals that I want to work towards in this new year. I have more specific ideas for this blog and my personal life, but I like to work through those in smaller bites. In increments, if you will. I approached these goals for the overall year in a different way. I like how they sort of overlap in a way and how they all already fit into where my life is going, or where I want it to go. There's nothing here that in mid-March I can feel deflated over.

Now I want to hear from you! If you've written a post recently about your goals for 2012, I'd love it if you'd link up below so we can all read them and cheer along. If you don't blog, feel free to list in the comments what you want out of 2012. I hope to check back in on things in a few months.

There's so much to do in the moment. There's so much to catch up on. I have lots of ideas, and lots of half-finished projects. I am just now learning that there is no finish line.

My mantra for 2012 is Start Where You Are.

It's impossible for me to catch up on everything I've wanted to do for the past five years, but I can't let that paralyze me from doing something. There is no rule that says you have to complete the 2008 photo book before the one from 2010. Spiritually, I've hit the pause button for awhile. But now that I'm ready to dip my toe back into that part of my life, it doesn't mean I need to backtrack my every thought. Start with a simple prayer, work from there.

My house is a mess, my inbox is a mess. But I can't declutter the basement or respond to messages from last April today. I just can't. I'm going to start with my kitchen junk drawer and the emails that have come in over the weekend.

I'm forgiving myself all the rest of it, and starting 2012 anew.

*

I try to live my life in increments, but lately I've let that system fall away a little, much to my own detriment. I know that many people don't like New Years Resolutions, but I love a fresh start.

This Friday, January 6, let's do a brag book link up for our goals and resolutions for 2012. You can link up a post you've written on your own blog (you have until Friday to post it, if you haven't yet) and if you're not a blogger then you'll list something in the comments section then. In a few months, we'll check in on everyone's goals! I think that once you say something out loud (or on the internet, which is the same thing), it keeps you accountable.

I'll list some of mine on Friday's post and I can't wait to read some of yours.

Once I stopped working in a structured environment and then had my first child, the lack of discipline in my life wreaked havoc on my productivity and mental state. I tweaked a few things and started living my Life In Increments. You can read more about it here.

Since currently our lives don't yet revolve around a school schedule, I can't blame that for our lazy days of summer. We've been very unstructured for the last several months and it's starting to catch up with me. I'm entering a heavy nesting period, but before I tackle the lists of things to be done before Baby Boys arrival I've been relying on three simple steps that keep me from going completely crazy even amidst summer chaos:

1. Finish the task. Pregnancy makes me a complete airhead, but I can be a little scatterbrained even when I'm not hormonal. My mantra has become Finish The Whole Task At Hand. I don't tend to walk away from a half-emptied dishwasher, but I have been known to make a bowl of cereal and then leave the milk out on the counter for....forever. If I make myself finish every step of the task at hand - put away the milk, throw away the empty cereal box, then wash the dish and spoon after eating - then it leaves less clutter in my life and less to do later. Which equals more mindspace. I force myself to finish every step of a task instead of leaving the last little bit for later. It make take two extra minutes, but it is always worth it.

2. Do It Now. I like to make To Do lists and random things pop into my head all the time, but many of them can and should be done right when I think of them. If walking past the windows reminds me that I need to call the pool heater guy, instead of doodling it down in my moleskine planner, I really should just pick up the phone and do it right then. Ta Da! Done. One less thing in my brain. Of course sometimes you're in the shower when you think of these things, or out and about and it's something that has to be done at home. But when able, I channel Nike and Just Do It.

3. Never Leave a Room Empty-Handed. In my house, there is always something that is in one place that really belongs in another. An empty cup to be taken to the kitchen, a wayward sweater that needs to go in the closet. This one comes and goes, but lately I've been more aware about the transfer of all of life's stuff from one place to another. Taking a few things in my hand whenever I go up or downstairs makes an enormous difference in the amount of general clutter.

One last thought that has helped me this summer:

Identify Small Happiness Makers. If you can identify just a couple of things that take under five minutes yet make your day substantially better, and then follow through on just those, it makes any day feel less like a mess. These things could be making the bed, taking the extra few minutes to straighten you hair, washing your face at night, having a clean car, keeping a small stash of candy, whatever. So many times just the littlest tweak can make the difference in your attitude.

Have you tried the Life In Increments philosophy? What are your current mantras or happiness makers? Sound off in the comments!

...

I grew up in a one-stoplight Oklahoma town before I fell into a life in Los Angeles. I met my unexpected husband on a movie set, and spent years working in reality television until we married and started our family. We live in Hollywood with our two small children and my work is at home. I am literally a Hollywood housewife.

That cliche doesn't mean what it used to. The women in my life can discuss politics and lipstick in the same breath. Amen.

disclosure

Hollywood Housewife contains sidebar advertising and some contextual affiliate links. An affiliate link means that if you click through and purchase an item I have featured, I may receive a commission on the sale. You would never pay more for for the product, the commission comes from the regular retail price. I only feature products that I either already own or genuinely like, advertising is never part of my content decisions. On the occasion when a post or giveaway is sponsored, I will always note that in the actual post. If I refer to an item as "courtesy of," that means I received that item gratis. I do not blog about everything I receive, but when I do my opinions are always my own.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

All content, including photos, published on HH are the property of laura tremaine unless otherwise noted.
Please do not copy without permission.