miércoles, 16 de abril de 2008

THE DAYS OF WINE ARE GONE FOR SURE. ROSES THERE NEVER WERE ANY. THE MILLION OR SO CIGARETTES WITH WHICH I DREW THE SYMBOLS OF MY LIFFE ON EARTH IN THE AIR ARE A HORRID MEMORY WHICH CAUSES ME FEELINGS OF REGRET AND CULPABILITY. WHAT I AM SUCKING INTO MY SISTEM NOW THROUGH TUBES STUCK IN MY VEINS ARE SERUM AND HEPARIN, A SUBSTANCE THEY INJECT INTO YOU WHEN YOU ARE ON DIALYSIS. I FORGET WHAT IT IS FOR, EXACTLY... ONCE THERE USED TO BE MANY PEOPLE SIITING AROUND THE CAFE TABLE DRINKING AND SMOKING AND TALKING ALL KINDS OF NONSENSE. IT WAS GOOD. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. A LOT OF THOSE CHARACTERS WERE ECCENTRIC, PERHAPS CRAZY. THEY ALL WERE UNFORGETTABLE. SOME ARE STILL ALIVE. A LOT HAVE DIED. TIME HAS CHANGED. EVERYTHING HAS BECOME SOMETHING ELSE. THERE IS NO ONE BY MY HOSPITAL BED POURING WINE INTO A GLASS, OR LIGHTING A CIGARETTE. THOSE THINGS ARE SURELY RESPONSIBLE, AT LEAST PARTLY, FOR MY BEING HERE NOW, DEPENDENT ON A MACHINE TO CLEANSE MY BLOOD AND GO ON LIVING. YEAH, THEY WERE TERRIBLE THINGSTO DO, SMOKING AND DRINKINGSO MUCH. BUT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. AND I SMOKED AND DRANK FOR MANY YEARS, WHILE I PONDERED ABOUT THE BEAUTY OF PEOPLE AND THE STRANGENESS OF THE SEASONS, AND FELL IN LOVE AND PAINTED PAINTINGS I THOUGHT WERE GREAT. ALL BEFORE FRIENDS BEGAN TO DIE ONE AFTER ANOTHER AND DEATH PLANTED ITSELF IN MY MIND LIKE A GREAT BLACK TREE IN A GARDEN FULL OF SNOW. AND NOW I AM GOING THROUGH MY OWN STRUGGLE WITH DISEASE AND MY OWN MORTALITY IS BEFORE ME AT ALL TIMES.BUT I THINK BACK TO THOSE DAYS AND SEE THAT THEY WERE INNOCENT. AND I CAN TELL YOU I LONG TO GO BACK TO THOSE PLACES, WHEREVER THEY ARE IN THE TIME THAT HAS VANISHED, AND FIND THOSE PEOPLE WHO NO LONGER INHABIT THE PRESENT, AND SIT AT THE TABLE, AND DRINK WITHOUT CARE, UNTIL I FEEL LIKE BREAKING INTO A WILD SONG, AND WORRY ABOUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

SOMETHING IS VERY OBVIOUS TO ME AFTER HAVING BEEN TOLD MY KIDNEYS ARE TOAST AND I HAVE TO BE HOOKED TO A MACHINE THRICE A WEEK IN ORDER NOT TO BE HISTORY QUITE YET: I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS BEFORE THIS SITUATION DEVELOPED. AND I´M NOT ONLY REFERRING TO THE PREDICTABLE DECREASE OF ENERGY LEVELS, TESTOSTERONE LEVELS AND IDIOCY LEVELS WHICH ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LITTLE HAPPINESS MOST MEN EXPERIENCE WHEN HEALTHY, BUT ALSO TO THE WAY I SEE THE WORLD AROUND ME. I THINK ABOUT THE PERSON I WAS NOT SO LONG AGO, SAY, WALKING DOWN A SUNNY STREET IN TORONTO, AS THE LITTLE FRONT GARDENS BLOOM IN EARLY SPRING. THE AIR IS STILL COOL, THE SKY IS A MARVELLOUS BLUE. JENNIFER WALKS NEXT TO ME. WE ARE GOING SOMEWHERE IN LITTLE INDIA FOR DINNER, OR TO LITTLE ITALY FOR A COFFEE, OR ACROSS THE BROADVIEW BRIDGE TO THE ANNEX, TO MEET SOME FRIENDS AT FUTURE BAKERY AND TALK ABOUT ART, OR POLITICS, OR WHATEVER...I AM EXPERIENCING THE WONDERFUL CARELESSNESS OF HEALTH. WE, JENNIFER AND I, ARE MAKING PLANS TO MOVE TO SPAIN. IT IS ALL IN THE FUTURE. IT MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN. I HAVE NO IDEA YET THAT IT WILL HAPPEN, THAT SOON WE WILL BE LIVING IN NORTHERN SPAIN, WHERE I WILL WORK AS A TEACHER AND HAVE A CHILD, SHORTLY BEFORE SUFFERING END STAGE REANAL FAILURE AND BEING SUBJECTED TO DIALYSIS. NOW I AM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT EQUATION. WHAT I DID NOT SUSPECT WOULD HAPPEN, DID IN FACT HAPPEN. AND I REMEMBER THAT SWEET LIFE FAR AWAY, IN TORONTO, SEEMINGLY A MILLION YEARS AGO, AND SEE MYSELF AND JENNIFER WALKING DOWN A SUNNY STREET, AND ASK MY SELF WHY THE FUCK IT IS THAT WE CANNOT FREEZE TIME AND STAY FOREVER IN ONE OF THOSE HAPPY INSTANTS WE REMEMBER ONCE THEY ARE GONE, IN TIMES OF FEAR AND GRIEF.YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH LIFE?

I LIE IN THE HOSPITAL BED WITH TUBES COMING OUT OF MY NECK THROUGH WHICH THE BLOOD FLOWS OUT OF AND INTO MY VEINS AGAIN, PASSING THROUGH A MACHINE WHICH PRODUCES A FUNNY NOISE WHICH REMINDS ME OF DREAMS I HAVE HAD IN WHICH I WAS UNDER WATER. THE LONGER I LIE IN THIS BED THE FARTHER I FEEL FROM MATTER, FROM SUBSTANCE, AND MY MIND FALLS INTO A SORT OF NERVOUS STUPOR. I CAN´T SLEEP BUT I AM NOT FULLY AWAKE. I SENSE, MORE THAN I SEE, THE NURSES, MOVING ABOUT THE ROOM NOT UNLIKE WAITRE-SSES INSIDE A COFFEE SHOP. I AM AWARE OF OTHER PEOPLE IN THE OTHER BEDS, QUIETLY GOING THROUGH THE SAME MECHANICAL VAMPIRIZATION I AM GOING THROUGH. WE ARE ALL ISOLATED FROM EACH OTHER BY THE PROCEDURE ITSELF. IT IS THE SAME PROCEDURE, AND YET IT IS COMPLETELY PRIVATE, PERSONAL. WELL, I AM EXPERIENCING SOMETHING VERY REAL, FOR DIALYSIS IS NOTHING IF NOT REALITY. IT IS A WHOLLY PHYSICAL THING, A MECHANICAL PROCESS. YET MY CONSCIENCE IS STRANGELY DETACHED, AS IF FLOATING IN A REALM SOMEWHERE BETWEEN MATTER AND SPIRIT. IT IS LUCIDLY AWARE OF THE WEIRDNESS MY BODY IS GOING THROUGH IN ORDER TO RID ITSELF OF NOXIOUS TOXINS WHICH THE KIDNEYS THEMSELVES ARE UNABLE TO ELIMINATE. AT THE SAME TIME, BECAUSE I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE COMPOUNDED WITH WHITE COAT SYNDROME, I FEEL THE RISE OF MY BLOOD WITHIN MY VEINS, RISING POWERFULLY AGAIST ME, AGAIST THE WALLS IF MY ORGANS, AGAINST MY BRAIN. I CANNOT STOP THE VIOLENCE OF THE BLOOD. IT GROWS AS THE FEAR GROWS. SO THAT THE BLOOD PRESSURE IS ACTUALLY THE FEAR ITSELF, AND VICEVERSA. IT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPLAIN IT. WHEN THE NURSE TAKES A READING OF MY BLOOD PRESSURE, I AM LITERALLY READY TO STAR HOWLING, BECAUSE I CAN FEEL HOW HIGH IT IS, AND HOW IT IS HIGH BECAUSE OF PANIC. SHE LOOKS ALARMED WHEN SHE SEEN THE NUMBERS. I DON´T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE LOOKS ALARMED. SHE REALLY SHOULDN´T. IF I AM IN THE HOSPITAL AT ALL, WITH END STAGE REAN FAILURE, IT IS PRECISELY BECAUSE OF MY FREAKISH BLOOD PRESSURE. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING BEINS SURPRISED, THEN? AND WHY DO THEY TAKE MY BLOOD PRESSURE WHEN I AM OBVIOUSLY IN A STATE OF NEAR PANIC? DO THEY EXPECT TO GET AN ACCURATE READING THAT WAY? SOMETIMES I FEAR THE LACK OF IMAGINATION, THE ABSENCE OF INSTICNT THESE SCIENTIFICALLY TRAINED PEOPLE SHOW. THEY ONLY FOLLOW THE METHOD. BUT THE METHOD CAN ONLY REVEAL WHAT IT WAS DESIGNED TO REVEAL IN THE FIRST PLACE. SO IT´S A CATCH 22. I WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM: "PUT ME TO SLEEP!!!! THEN YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT MY REAL BLOOD PRESSURE IS, WHEN I AM NOT IN THE GRIP OF FEAR!!!!" BUT THEY DO WHAT THEY WHERE TRAINED TO DO. AND THEY DON´T BELIEVE I MAY HAVE A PONT. RATHER, THEY ASSUME I AM IN DENIAL. BY THE TIME DIALYSIS IS OVER MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS SO HIGH I HAVE A HEADACHE. I KNOW IT WILL GO DOWN AS SOON AS I STEP OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. IT ALWAYS DOES. THEY CLEANSE AND COVER THE CATHERER IN MY NECK. THEY LET ME GO. I COULD ASK FOR AN AMBULANCE TO DRIVE ME HOME BUT I CHOOSE TO WALK. EVEN THOUNG I FEEL SO DIZZY I MIGHT BE DRUNK, I REALLY WANT TO WALK DOWN THE STREET LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, AND BREATHE THE AIR. I WALK LIKE A ZOMBIE, THOUGH, AND I KEEP SINGING THAT TUNE TO MY SELF, " HEY, HEY...BEAUTIFUL DAY" HOW LONG CAN I PUT UP WITH DIALYSIS? WE SHALL SEE. I KIND OF FANTASISE ABOUT QUITTING TREATMENT, TAKING A BUS BOUND FOR SOM SUNNY PLACE IN THE SOUTH, AND HANG AROUND SOME BEACH SMOKING AND DRINKING WHISKY, WAITING FOR THE END. IT´S ONLY A FANTASY. Í KNOW I´M NOT GOING TO DO IT. BUT THINKING ABOUT IT SURE MAKES ME FEEL THAT I HAVE OPTIONS.

THE NURSES SAY, JOKINGLY, THAT I´M NOT A VETERAN YET. WHEN I AM A VETERAN, I WON´T FEEL SO NERVOUS ABOUT DIALYSIS. I SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO COME TO DIALYSIS WITH ME. THEY SEEM TOTALLY COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT´S GOING ON. I SUSPECT THAT SOMEHOW THEY´VE BEEN REDUCED TO UTTER RESIGNATION BY THE CIRCUMSTANCES, AND ACCEPT THE UNPLEASANT PROCEDURE PATIENTLY. REVOLUTIONARY IDEAS REALLY ARE OUT OF PLACE IN A DIALYSIS FACILITY. ALL YOU CAN DO IS TAKE WHAT COMES AND TRY NOT TO GE UPSET. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT YOU WANT TO PRAY THAT THE FORCE GRANT YOU SERENITY, AT LEAST. WELL, THE NURSES ARE RIGHT. I´M NOT A VETERAN. I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH END STAGE RENAL FAILURE THREE WEEKS AGO. IT ALL HAPPENED VERY SUDDENLY, AND I WAS TOLD THAT I NEEDED TO HAVE A CATHERER IMPLANTED IN MY YUGULAR VEIN RIGHT AWAY, AS AN ACCESS TO MY BLOOD STREAM, BECAUSE I NEEDED DIALYSIS IMMEDIATELY, GIVEN THE RIDICULOUSLY ALARMING RESULTS OF MY MOST RECENT BLOOD TEST. I HAD NEVER BEEN IN SUCH A SITUATION BEFORE. THE IDEA OF LETTING SOMEONE STICK A TUBE INTO MY YUGULAR WAS TRULY NAUSEATING AND FEARFUL. I WAS STANDING IN A VERY AMPLE HOSPITAL ROOM, WITH HUGE WINDOWS LETTING THE SUN LIGHT FLOW IN AND A DISTANT VIEW OF GREEN HILLS AND SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS. I JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, GO TO THE BUS STATION AND BUY A TICKET TO SOMEWHERE IN THOSE MOUNTAINS, AND LIE IN THE SUN, ON THE SNOW, TO DIE. I ASKED THE DOCTOR IF THERE WAS AN ALTERNATIVE. HE SAID NO. I WOULD MOST LIKELY DIE WITIN DAYS OR WEEKS IF I DIDN´T START DIALYSIS. I SAID TO HIM, VERYS POLITELY..." DO YOU MIND IF I GO IN THE BATHROOM AND VOMIT?" HE SMILED KINDLY AND SAID " MY FRIEND, GO AND DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. IT´S A TOUGH CALL FOR YOU. I UNDERSTAND" AND I DID GO IN THE BATHROOM AND GAVE IN TO THE NAUSEA, BUT COULD NOT ACTUALLY VOMIT. INSTEAD, I BROKE OUT IN A COLD SWEAT. WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM, THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSES WHERE STANDING THERE WAITING TO BEGIN THE PROCEDURE. " I DON´T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS" I SAID "I¨VE NEVER BEEN SO TERRIFIED IN MY LIFE. I THINK I MIGHT RATHER DIE"ONE OF THE NURSES LOOKED AT ME AND SAID THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO FEEL TOO OLD FOR THE TREATMENT CHOOSE TO DIE, AS DO OTHERS WHO CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF DEPENDING ON A MACHINE FOR LIFE, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE SEE DIALYSIS AS A POSITIVE THING WHICH ALLOWS THEM TO STAY AROUND THEIR LOVED ONES FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. ¨ I HEARD YOU HAVE A TWO YEAR OLD SON" SHE SAID.MY LITTLE SON´S BEAUTIFUL FACE CAME TO MIND LIKE A CALMING WIND, HIS EYES, THE COLOUR OF THE OCEAN AND FILLED WITH WONDER, HIS SMILE...AND I KNEW THAT, NO MATTER WHAT, I HAD TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS. IT WAS JUST LIFE. IT WAS WHAT HAPPENS TO HUMANS. THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL, IF YOU WILL. I WOULD GO THROUGH IT. SUDDENLY I FELT CALMER. I SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "OK. GO AHEAD¨AS IT TURNED OUT, THE ACTUAL OPERATION WAS QUITE PAINLESS. AS IT USAULLY HAPPENS, THE FEAR WAS MORE DEVASTAITING THAN THE REALITY. THAT VERY DAY I WENT THROUGH DIALYSYS FOR THE FIRST TIME. I CAN´T HONESTLY SAY THAT IT WAS A NICE EXPERIENCE. BUT IT IS NICE TO GET HOME EVERY NIGHT AND SEE MY CHILD AND MY WIFE. ALSO, MY PERCEPTION OF HUMAN EXISTENC INS BEGINNING TO CHANGE BECAUSE OF MY SITUATION, AND I THINK I UNDERSTAN THE FRAGILITY OF THE HUMAN BEING, AND ALSO THEIR DEFECTS, A LOT MORE DEEPLY THAN BEFORE.