Friday, May 7, 2010

The Human Centipede vs. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

So everyone's really been buzzing about a heartwarming little film known as The Human Centipede! Now, I don't know about you, but the minute I heard about this movie, the first thing that popped into my mind was the title of one of my all-time favorite kids' books. Perhaps this is what comes from being both a parent and a horror fanatic simultaneously... But, be that as it may, this is not the right place if you're looking for a review *. However, if you happen to be looking for a comparison of the year's most controversial piece of scatological torture porn and one of the most cherished works of juvenile literature ever written, then step right up!

The Very Hungry Caterpillar stars an amiable insect painted in warm orange, green and yellow hues.The Human Centipede stars severe German actor Dieter Laser, who also appeared in the 2001 film Suck My Dick.Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar was the product of Eric Carle, an award-winning children's author who also gave us Pancakes, Pancakes; Have You Seen My Cat?; and The Grouchy Ladybug.The Human Centipede was the product of Dutch writer/director Tom Six, who debuted in 2004 with Gay in Amsterdam.Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar teaches us how to count to five, as well as the different days of the week.The Human Centipede teaches us never to ask for help if we get a flat tire in suburban Germany.Advantage: Human Centipede__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar was published in 1969.

Dieter Laser made his screen debut in 1969.

Advantage: Even__________________________________________________

In The Very Hungry Caterpillar, our protagonist eats such things as chocolate cake, ice cream, watermelon, a lollipop, salami and a pickle.In The Human Centipede, our protagonists eat each others' feces. They also drink a glass of water laced with rohypnol.Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar__________________________________________________

Eric Carl was inspired to write The Very Hungry Caterpillar by punching holes in a stack of paper with a holepuncher.Tom Six was inspired to write The Human Centipede by a conversation in which he and a friend tried to come up with the most heinous concept imaginable.Advantage: Human Centipede__________________________________________________

George W. Bush often showed children The Very Hungry Caterpillar while visiting classrooms during his presidency.George W. Bush did not often show children The Human Centipede while visiting classrooms during his presidency.Advantage: The Human Centipede__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar was featured on Sesame Street.The Human Centipede was featured at Screamfest and Fantastic Fest.Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar is known for introducing readers to the wonder of metamorphosis, from egg to pupa to butterfly, reinforcing the notion of life's perpetual renewal.The Human Centipede contains a scene in which a Japanese man is coerced to carry a newspaper in his mouth while dragging two American tourists attached to his ass.Advantage: Human Centipede__________________________________________________

Result: The Human Centipede 5, The Very Hungry Caterpillar 5, one category even! It's a dead heat, folks! I'm afraid you'll have to be the final judge in this epic battle of sadistic horror and life-affirming boardbooks. Personally, I take this as a sign that they are simply meant to be enjoyed together.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHlove it man

WORSTTTTTTTT FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKING MOVIE OF ALLLLLLLL TIME...NOT EVEN KIDDING. THE MOVIE IS NOT HORROR, THE ACTING IS SHIT, THE STORYLINE IS INSANELY CRAP THAT I WOULD RATHER DO SOME STUDIES THAN WATCH THE MOVIE...NOT JOKING EVEN A LITTLE BIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHITTEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG THIS POST INS'T ENOUGH TO SAY HOW FUCKING CRAP IT IS!!!!!!!!HORRIBLE. DISMAL. GETS 0/10.

Every time I read another article about this movie I can't believe I haven't seen it. I'm waiting for the right moment. I can't have it interupted. No kiddies around. No wife around (she will think I'm even more of a degenerate than she does already). So it's been months! By far this is the penultimate article on the subject. Who's writing/illustrating a "children's version"? I'm a no talent hack or I'd do it myself. Not sleazy. Not gross. Just brightly colored, anatomically incorrect illustrations with one sentence captions... all suitable for children. Bwahahahaha!

Which horror film *should* be remade?

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I've been fascinated with horror ever since my parents let me watch The Exorcist at 8 years old (what were they thinking??) and I ran up to my bed screaming when Linda Blair's eyes rolled into the back of her head.Although it often gets a bad rap from "mainstream" critics and audiences alike, horror has often been the most creative and vibrant movie genre of all, from Nosferatu to Saw. Some of the finest motion pictures ever made are part of the horror genre, including Frankenstein, Psycho, The Shining and my personal all-time favorite, George Romero's Dawn of the Dead.This blog is the culmination of my 25-year love affair with all things blood and guts--so check back here often for news and opinion on the world of horror. And remember...