For a softer, fluffier football

Vanquished Socceroo Vince Grella is the latest to uphold the strong Australian tradition for childish sportsmanship by lashing out at everyone but himself regarding Australia's utterly pathetic showing at the recent Asian Cup. Once again, Australia didn't lose because they weren't any good, but because others were mean to them, called them names, made them cranky, didn't play fair, bounced their bananas, didn't play their song, etc. I'm beginning to wonder whether we shouldn't be conducting harsher trials on our sportsmen - like the tough masculinity tests NASA used to put their astronauts through in the 50s and 60s - just to ensure we don't embarrass ourselves by releasing more of these horrible, lemon-sucking pansies onto the international stage. In the meantime, seeing as Argentina and China will both be sending soccer teams to our nation before the year is out, perhaps the best we can do - seeing as we can't seem to control our own - is to furnish visitors with a list of tips on how to conduct themselves while inside our national boundaries. Such advice might not be beneficial to the tourists themselves, but will make for a sorely-needed 'no more tears' formula where the Socceroos are concerned.

While diving, sledging and other theatrical or psychological elements of the game are known all over the world, they are not welcome in Australia, a country in which lying and cheating and bending rules is anathema to all sports men and women. Though the Australian team make much of the fact they do not "dive", this does not mean that they cannot be hurt - indeed, the Australian soccer team is extremely sensitive to insults and offence.

Be sure to behave within the boundaries of what might be perceived in Australia as your national stereotype - Japanese, for example, should be "honourable". To stray outside of such cultural typecasts might be to invite criticism from the Australians. Do not, however, insist that Australians be "true blue" or "dinky-di", as this will be perceived as revoltingly condescending, and rightly so.

In the event that you do win the game, do not smile when shaking hands with the Australian team, as this could be perceived as smug or supercilious behaviour. It is important to remember that you did not win the game so much as stole it, thus affecting a look of combined sympathy, humility and guilt will be more appropriate and more likely to be appreciated by the sensitive Australian team.

When talking to the media, do not, under any circumstances, comment honestly on what you believe to be the Australian team's weaknesses. Instead, refer to them all as great blokes, fine sportsmen, really scary opponents, and so on. While honesty is generally touted as a virtue in Australia, honesty about Australians is not at all tolerated.

Before taking the field against Australia, it is important to ask yourself: "What have they ever done to us?" If the answer is: "Nothing much", or: "Well, there's World War II, but I guess we started it", then it's probably appropriate to allow Australia to win the match.

Though demonstrations of post-goal elation are standard on soccer fields all over the world, it is very important that you not celebrate after scoring a goal against Australia, as this is seen as "taking the piss". Rather than running madly, tearing off pieces of clothing or dry-humping your team mates, calmly congratulate each other with warm smiles and sober handshakes, being careful not to make eye contact with any members of the Australian team, who will be most sensitive at this point in time.

The above notwithstanding, try not to congratulate each other in plain view of any spectators who may have been barracking for the Australian team, as this will be perceived as an insult by most Australians. Where possible, try to conduct such celebrations behind large screens or advertising fixtures, or in the change rooms long after the emotions of the moment have passed. Perhaps managers of touring teams might be persuaded to manufacture portable "celebration screens" that could be erected and removed swiftly, so that celebrations can be conducted in private, with the risk of offending Australians minimised.

There is a chance, of course, that such a screen might fall down, thus exposing vulnerable Australian fans and players to the celebrations taking place behind. Thus a second, larger screen enveloping the entire grandstand might be desirable, along with personal screen "bags" for the heads of each individual Australian player, which, due to embarrassment, might be accepted with gratitude by each member of the Australian team.

Do not, under any circumstances, mock the name "Socceroos". Though the naming of an adult men's sporting team after a cute, furry animal might seem an infantile act deserving of all the ridicule it attracts, the fact is that Australians take such references to their national animals very seriously. Mimicking the jumping motion of the kangaroo is an extremely hurtful insult to an Australian soccer player, as is the jumping onto the back of a team mate, an action that might be seen as mimicking the behaviour of a young koala, which is another important furry animal of Australia.

For the same reasons as above, do not encourage your smaller players to climb into the shorts of larger ones who then hop about, as such a display will surely infuriate the delicate sensibilities of the proud Australian soccer player.

Be warned: when you play Australia next it's "payback time", which probably means you'll only win by a goal, rather than two or three.

Posted
by Jack MarxJuly 30, 2007 11:19 AM

LATEST COMMENTS

And, above all, never forget that it is just a game!!

Thank you for that, I needed a giggle on this particular Monday morning!!

Posted by: jacqueline on July 30, 2007 12:09 PM

Jack, that's great. Gave me a really good laugh for the start of the week.

Now I'll just sit back and count the death threats.

Hope Vince finds his dummy, he seems to need it.

Posted by: harlequin on July 30, 2007 12:11 PM

Rather than have to go through the ingominy (sp?) of actually playing people they haven't even heard of, it would have been much fairer, and more exciting, for each country to put their highest paid players in the team with their respective paychecks and decide the game based on the highest median income.

Far more dignified. In the event of a tie, a google search of each players name should be conducted and the team with the player with the biggest number of (legitimate) hits wins.

* Our socceroos qualified for the world cup for the first time in a bizillion years. That has earned us the right to be superior in future comps without having to work too hard. The rest of the teams did not respect that. Grella has a right to be cranky.

* I am happy for Iraq. They deserve a bit of good news and a brief escape from the war.

* The theatrics of taking a dive to milk a penalty is cheating. Cheating is expected. That's why the world game is a steaming pile of dung.

Posted by: Roger on July 30, 2007 12:54 PM

I want to like soccer. I really do. And rugby. 50-points and only one try. Yawn.

Posted by: random luser on July 30, 2007 12:54 PM

My nomination would be to get the Socceroo's mums (and other caring volunteers) to set up a kiosk at the side of the pitch.

They can brew and serve a nice cup of harden the f**k up for each team member.

Posted by: Days on July 30, 2007 12:59 PM

Jack - well said! Something must have got into the water in this country 20 years ago coz so many of our sports stars now seem such gits who display this sort of behaviour all too often.

Granted, the stars of the past used to win most of the time, but even when they lost, they did so graciously. Did Rosewall complain Connors stole Wimbledon from him in 74? Did Steve Holland complain about the pool in 76? Did Landy accuse Bannister of ripping him off by using pacers in the race to the 4 minute mile? Any does The Shark (who has probably lost the big one more than most people can bear) blame his clubs for the result?

Bring back Dougie I say!

Posted by: Wal Kesby on July 30, 2007 1:06 PM

"Dry humping your teammates..." LOL

I remember the NRL had a period of madness where their players are encouraged to "perform" a post-try celebration...

It always brings a tear to my eye and bile to my throat everytime men should degrade to "dry humping" showmanship...

Posted by: GW on July 30, 2007 1:07 PM

"We need to remember these things and give these teams a hiding when they come to Australia in the future, but we're too nice. That's our mentality." - Grella from the referenced article.

Look, clearly we didn't win because we are too nice, as Grella stated above. We could have won if we had wanted to....

Posted by: bella on July 30, 2007 1:11 PM

* I am happy for Iraq. They deserve a bit of good news and a brief escape from the war.*

Posted by: Roger on July 30, 2007 12:54 PM

Agreed, although the 60 odd Iraqis shot during the celebrations by excited football fans may have failed to notice any real interruption to their daily routine.

Posted by: Warhorse on July 30, 2007 1:19 PM

Agreed, although the 60 odd Iraqis shot during the celebrations by excited football fans may have failed to notice any real interruption to their daily routine.

Posted by: Warhorse on July 30, 2007 1:19 PM

Yes, but football is hardly the cause of those deaths. Really, I'm glad for Iraq, even if I'm disappointed with Australia's showing at the tournament. There were a number of reasons for this, but the fact we simply weren't at our best is as good as any.

Posted by: Sten on July 30, 2007 1:48 PM

Nice one Jack- so sick of these Prima Donnas. Bunch of big girls I say! Just play a good game guys- who gives a stuff about name calling anyway? Sticks and stones- remember that one by any chance??

Posted by: Blondie on July 30, 2007 2:01 PM

Should it always be thus?
A loss makes us excuse and cuss,
Or that they cheated
When we get defeated,
Never “They played better than us.”

Posted by: Toto on July 30, 2007 2:02 PM

I was going to mention it, only Warhorse got in first. What's with the Iraqis celebrating by shooting each other? Imagine if Australia were to celebrate our sporting success with random murder, there'd be none of us left. Is it really sensible to show your joy with gunfire? Particularly in Iraq where even the sound of a fart is enough to have Uncle Sam "help you celebrate" with a few "well-placed" missiles". I think its great they won and good on 'em but if we can learn to lose better they should learn to win better.

Posted by: m-26-7 on July 30, 2007 2:10 PM

While I found the article quite amusing, Grella's a bit of a soft target really to be giving a serve.

It's no surprise to discover that somebody who has dedicated their life to sport and winning would find losing hard to handle.

Yet when sportspeople elect to say nothing, or elect to say nothing of substance through speaking in cliches, we're also disappointed.

As for bringing back Dougie as Wal Kesby suggested, yesterdays hero would be todays villian. Out on the piss to all hours, doesn't train seriously, what kind of role model for the kiddies is that?

"Soft targets" should keep their heads down. - Jack

Posted by: Rob on July 30, 2007 2:12 PM

.Posted by: Warhorse on July 30, 2007 1:19 PM

Australian sports fans should adopt the habit of rapid fire discharge of an automatic weapon after international sports matches. Should sort a few things out.

Posted by: righteous on July 30, 2007 2:13 PM

Posted by: Rob on July 30, 2007 2:12 PM

Out on the piss to all hours, doesn't train seriously, what kind of role model for the kiddies is that?

I'd rather my kids see that than whining. That's if I seriously thought that they would see sportsmen as role models.

Posted by: jf on July 30, 2007 2:31 PM

The soccer-who's??

Sorry i'm not familiar with that name.
Is that some kind of pansy-arsed sporting team best known for their on field dramatics?

and the Logie for Best Sports Injury Drama goes to....

Posted by: cretin on July 30, 2007 2:35 PM

Jack,

Did you see the match?

Nope. - Jack

Posted by: Cartman on July 30, 2007 2:53 PM

Posted by: righteous on July 30, 2007 2:13 PM

It'd sure make Union more interesting.

Posted by: Warhorse on July 30, 2007 3:00 PM

We have to tell the other side that if they win they are required when speaking to the media, the mums and everyone else in their country,
"Yes we won, but the best team did not win."

Vince Grella could never be put up as the smartest tool in the shed before this and now he has been proved to be the dumbest.

Obviously Vince and some of his teammates in the team think they are entitled to win. They are not. They played badly. The defence should have stayed at home and Vince Grella and a few midfielders cannot be proud of their tournament at all.

If any junior player put on this turn, his or her coach would send them on a few more laps of the field. If we don't condone this from junior players we shouldn't put up with it from the seniors. Go back to Italy Vince and have a good season, train hard and try and learn a bit of humility because respect comes from actions and you didn't come up to the mark.

What stings the most is that the Japanese have absolutely no respect for how many Weet-Bix the boys can put away.

Posted by: SC on July 30, 2007 3:16 PM

Posted by: jf on July 30, 2007 2:31 PM

It was a rhetorical question designed to highlight that our expectations, or at least those of the media, regarding sportspeople are somewhat greater than during Wal's rose-tinted good ol' days.

Posted by: Rob on July 30, 2007 3:25 PM

I think they should all dress up in kangaroo suits (Australia), hello kitty suits (Japan), giant man-eating Basra badger suits (Iraq), or whatever animal their country has on their coat of arms ... then soccer will be taken seriously, just like wrestling is.

I think Grella had a right to complain about the elbow red card. And he wasn't saying Australia would've won if the disrespect wasn't there ... I guess that other stuff from the other countries wasn't exactly professional. Just entertaining.

Posted by: missdrect on July 30, 2007 3:48 PM

Rob @ 2:12pm: "As for bringing back Dougie as Wal Kesby suggested, yesterdays hero would be todays villian. Out on the piss to all hours, doesn't train seriously, what kind of role model for the kiddies is that?"

IMHO a much better one than the likes of the NRL Bulldogs, Shane Warne, Vince Grella, Ben Cousins, John Hopoate, Wendell Sailor and most of the other prima donnas going around today.

What Dougie clearly typified was the bloke who played for the sheer hell of it, and if he didn't do as well as he expected, took it on the chin.

Posted by: Wal Kesby on July 30, 2007 3:51 PM

Inspired by today's blog, Vince Grella is marketing these pamphlets at sporting venues around the world;

I did, well I saw the people all crowded around a big screen in Osaka for the Japan match. Australia lost to the better team on the night.
And the silly teasing and trickery is used by all the teams - what about the theatrics employed by the Italians during the last World Cup? After a while you werent sure if you were watching the soccer or a bad Italian opera in the park.

Yes, well, I assumed the question as to whether I saw the match was a prelude to me being told not to argue about that which I had not seen. But I couldn't care less whether Japan defeated Australia by distracting them with herds of stampeding elephants (although I am assured Australia simply lost to the better team). The point is that Grella is being a post-loss bitch, and I do not need to even know the rules of soccer to declare that as pathetic. - Jack

Posted by: jacqueline on July 30, 2007 4:23 PM

The sad thing in all of this is not that Australia lost it is that the playing of a childs game by a lot of fully grown (physically if not mentally) men is paid so much attention by both the general public and the media.

Australia seems to always find excuses for failing, being beaten, getting caught doing something they shouldn't do (a prime example is the number of accidental drug cases we seem to have experienced).

It is refreshing to hear one of our sportspeople front up to an interval when beaten and proudly state that he/she/they had done the best they could and were beaten by a better person/team on the night/day/week. A rare event to be sure especially seeing we always seem to be playing against lessor teams that have the temerity to somehow by luck, assistance of the gods/referees/umpires/media have bettered us.

Everyone is on drugs except us.... it just isn't fair.

Posted by: TMP on July 30, 2007 4:39 PM

Posted by: colourNOmovement on July 30, 2007 3:58 PM

Excellent.
Mind you, I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself when Bradbury won the skating. Classic moment in sport that was. He deserved the medal just for not falling over himself in a fit of hysterical laughter. Best part of the whole Olympics that was.

Posted by: harlequin on July 30, 2007 4:57 PM

I've often wondered if nude volleyball players "dry hump" each other when they score a point. Fortunately nude volleyball isn't televised.

Posted by: stephen pickells on July 30, 2007 5:06 PM

The point is that Grella is being a post-loss bitch, and I do not need to even know the rules of soccer to declare that as pathetic. - Jack
***********************************

Yup he is a sook and a spoilsport! When I first read his comments I wasnt sure if he was taking the piss ("Then Japan called us a bunch of wrestlers before the game" hahahaha!) or if he was being serious("I [wanted to] kill them before the game even started")...

I actually didnt stand around to watch the Japan-Australia game for very long, as I was most clearly outnumbered, but was fortunate enough to watch the 4 zillion repeats on the news the next morning... But I did watch the world cup game where Australia did win, and I skipped home past all the crying drunk Japanese salarymen, and the next day I decorated a colleague's desk with little Australian flags (he had cruelly suggested that we got our qualifying card out of a cornflakes packet...)!

Posted by: jacqueline on July 30, 2007 5:12 PM

It's football, not soccer.

As this is not a comment, but pedantry. - Jack

Posted by: Macca on July 30, 2007 5:42 PM

typical comment from vince spaghetti grella.not only is he a diver,the guys a butcher and so is half the team.as a croat born here in oz,i had no choice but to play soccer and enjoyed being coached by some of australias best,like david lee(harry kewell),rale rasic,Les Scheinflug.childish sportsmanship and rough play in front of these guys and you'd be on the bench the following week.

Posted by: billy boy on July 30, 2007 6:02 PM

Not for my sake, not for God's sake, but for fcuk' sake, how about writing something you know about?

I did, for God, fcuk and dickface. - Jack

Posted by: Ken Pomlett on July 30, 2007 7:11 PM

I wonder if the Socceroos did some bonding and yoga etc.I think they need to go on a long walk as individuals with a swag on their shoulders billy quart in their hands,and not be around anyone as soccer players for awhile,and learn the problem of existence.Which is still, to a very large section, of the worlds population..... that there is no complaints department!? And grow some bum fluff,because one day,there will be stuff growing out of their ears and noses etc.

Posted by: philiptravers on July 30, 2007 8:12 PM

From my perspective over here in the podes (I assume the opposite of the antipodes is the podes), for some reason the asian football cup didn't seem to make the newspapers, television or radio at all. Probably becasue no one in this hemisphere cares including me actually.

Also a short message to Plonkers if I may, being gainfully employed I am subjected once again to the IT nazis who have contrived to block my access to anything online that might be fun. So I have been forced to absent myself from all manner of distractions. Will plonk when I can.

Stoli - hope you arent' anywhere underwater

Posted by: Jarrod (Offshore) on July 30, 2007 10:34 PM

Football is a beautiful game and the tension that can be mounted in even a 0-0 match cannot be fairly compared to any other sport.

The history and global passion for the game also makes it compelling. In Australia, I think we really are at the dawn of something big for the game. The rugbys and AFL are rightfully looking obver their shoulder at a potential new challenger to their sponsorship and crowd dollars

The skill and endurance is amirable. The theatrics is not and I respect the Aussie team for not partaking in it. I just wish that every now and again a Willie Mason or "Blocker" Roach would just slam one of these guys. Then we would really see some theatrics.

Australia as a football team, and its fans for that matter, need to feel some pain to be able to really enjoy future success.

This tournament was a significant milestone for Australian soccer, irrespective of the team's performance on the field and off.

Posted by: Swansongster on July 31, 2007 1:00 AM

Its amazing what excuses these so called professionals who play for us can come up. Remember these are players "in the best leagues in the world". Why is it they cannot deal with teams where no one "know the names of half their team."

Its equally disturbing that these comments would be published. Aren't there PR people to make sure this type of comments don't get out and make Grella look like a sore loser?

Look, as far as most people are concerned, these are professionals footballers and should be hard and experienced enough to adjust to whatever crap come their way.

For example, as a doctor, we don't complain that the patients we see are too sick. If we operate on someone, we don't blame the patient for being too fat, the theatre lights too bright, airconditioning too cold, scalpel not sharp enough... if you agree to do it.. just do your best and deal with any unexpected complications that arise.

I don't see how professional footballers should expect any different.

Posted by: eizmed on July 31, 2007 2:45 AM

Posted by: Wal Kesby on July 30, 2007 3:51 PM

You're missing my point. This is why I normally just read the blog and avoid the temptation to write about it.

Posted by: Rob on July 31, 2007 8:21 AM

Posted by: Jarrod (Offshore) on July 30, 2007 10:34 PM

Hello Jarrod.

Posted by: Ross on July 31, 2007 9:06 AM

Jack, you are such a typical 'Aussie' sook yourself. Listen to yourself - bitching and moaning. You obviously do not understand soccer well enough, and IF you watched the game, you must have watched it with this shitty pessimistic attitude. So -

* To your first point - bullshit. We commenced the Soccer World Cup with various teams hitting their own country's media blasting Australia's violent team, so FIFA had no choice but to be quite harsh with us. So, our rep was tainted before we even started. Many international Soccer Commentators made mention to this also, as it was quite a handy tactic for those team's who were worried about the World Cup's underdog's - Australia.

We started the Asia Cup with the same rep - yay for us. Against Japan, we were playing the defending champs - not an easy feat as they were (understandably) out for our blood, and again the organisation cant afford any complaints from Japan. The call against Grella was pretty severe by Soccer standards. He was jumping for the ball, when the Japanese player came flying out from behind him. Grella was in the air with his arm up, before his opponent got there. After Grella leaves the field, the Japanese player gets up and is just fine. Then, we cop a few yellows for 'Similation' - i.e. apparently faking a dive. The refs were inconsistent, and as per usual - against Australia.

We did not win, but we should have - that doesnt change the fact that we lost fair and square (as far as goals are concerned). The Refs however were bloody crap.

While you may perceive this as just plain old sooking, leave some room in your (sometimes narrow) mind that it is actually possible for the Socceroos to have copped more shite than they deserved.

Whew, now that my vent is out, I can consider being a Jack Marx fan again... Or might wait for a decent posting by you... (hehehe)

"Jack, you are such a typical 'Aussie' sook yourself. Listen to yourself - bitching and moaning." - If one can't criticise someone for "bitching and moaning" without being oneself criticised for the same I know not what to do except be quiet no matter what, which seems a shame to me.
"You obviously do not understand soccer well enough..." - As I have already mentioned, I do not believe one needs to understand the rules of a particular sport in order to remark on the bad sportsmanship of one who plays it.
"So, our rep was tainted before we even started. Many international Soccer Commentators made mention to this also, as it was quite a handy tactic for those team's who were worried about the World Cup's underdog's - Australia." - Those who are good enough know that reputation is worthless.
"The call against Grella was pretty severe by Soccer standards. He was jumping for the ball, when the Japanese player came flying out from behind him. Grella was in the air with his arm up, before his opponent got there. After Grella leaves the field, the Japanese player gets up and is just fine." - This happens in every football match I have ever watched. Nevertheless, by Grella's own admission, he went onto the field wanting to "kill" the opposition, so it is not surprising his elbowing of an opponent was seen as deliberate.
"We did not win, but we should have - that doesnt change the fact that we lost fair and square (as far as goals are concerned). The Refs however were bloody crap." - That's fair enough. I can wear it from you, GeeGee. It's pathetic coming from Grella.
"While you may perceive this as just plain old sooking, leave some room in your (sometimes narrow) mind that it is actually possible for the Socceroos to have copped more shite than they deserved." - Like I say, I can wear that from a fan such as yourself, GeeGee. The players ought to know better. I'd be surprised if you thought Grella looked mighty for his comments. In my view, he looked pathetic. I don't really care about the game, or whether his charges have merit. Coming from him, at this time, they seem childish. - Jack

Posted by: GeeGee on July 31, 2007 1:12 PM

Soccer will only be taken seriously by the general population in Sydney when the betting agents can find a way to rort it the way they do horse racing and rugby. When the Tony Mokbels of Sydney start laundering their cash through plunges on the soccer, then the game will achieve a higher status.

Posted by: Camprdown on July 31, 2007 1:57 PM

I don't really care about the game, or whether his charges have merit. Coming from him, at this time, they seem childish. - Jack

* Posted by: GeeGee on July 31, 2007 1:12 PM

Spot on. I started to read the article the day it was published (Saturday I think) and quickly decided it was just a major dummy spit and gave up. As you say, GeeGee may be right but Grella should have kept his mouth firmly shut.

US elections are held on Tuesdays. The Melbourne Cup is run on Tuesdays. 'Nine-eleven' was a Tuesday. Gough was sacked on a Tuesday. The Reserve Bank board meets on Tuesdays. There's Ruby Tuesday and Tuesday Weld...

TDT isn't intimidated by Tuesdays, is it?

Posted by: and you thought you were bored on July 31, 2007 3:52 PM

We shouldn't play soccer if we can't deal with a bit of argy bargy that comes with international sport. Maybe we should play our own home grown form of football - say we get rid of the offside rule, make the goals bigger and allow one to score even if they miss, allow the players to use their hands, and perhaps have more players and a bigger field...

ahh face it , you are aussies ARE a bunch of sooks whingers and wankers when it comes to sport, sore losers , bad sportpersons ... drug abusers .... the sledging in the cricket ... lay down sally ... thorpies disqualification in the olympic trial ... own up, cheating snivelling and whinging are as australian as kostya tzu and phar lapp.