Thursday, December 18, 2008

So, seeing as Christmas is next week, I figured I should do a little holiday baking. I made the sugar cookie dough yesterday after I took the Munchkin to school so that it would be ready to bake when she got home.

Most of the day was spent cleaning (surprise) and getting everything in place for the baby. My belly started tightening around 1 o'clock, but I figured it was just Braxton Hicks as usual, and perhaps I should save the vacuuming for DH when he got home. I didn't want any lectures... you all know how he worries. I was so sure that it would be just another day, seeing as when I had my checkup Tuesday, I was dilated to a 2 and still 70% effaced, just like last week. Obviously this baby wasn't ready to come until next week... or so the Dr. guessed.

Well, after I picked up my Kiddo from school, I made her sit and do her homework as I rolled out the cookie dough so she could cut it into all the fun shapes that make sugar cookies so great. As we worked, I started to feel nauseous, so I started to get a little worried. It wasn't until then that I noticed that my belly had been tightening pretty regularly for the past little while, so I figured I'd better call DH.

As we pulled the last batch of cookies from the oven, DH arrived and we headed to my MIL's to drop off our Munchkin. She was so upset that she couldn't come with us to the hospital, but we assured her we'd call as soon as we knew anything, and with that we left for L&D.

When we got there, they hooked me up to all the fun monitors, and we watched the printed waves pitch high and steady. By now, it was really starting to hurt. I was definitely in labor! Then the nurse checked me. 6! I was at a 6! I was so glad that the Dr. made me pre-register "just in case".

I was determined that I wouldn't use an epidural (I didn't want one last time either) but about an hour later, I couldn't take it anymore. The contractions were coming so fast and HARD! I couldn't talk through them, and I had to remind myself to breathe. I just kept rocking in the rocking chair there in the room, hoping that it would progress things faster so that I could just get it over with.

After the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural, (such a strange sensation!) I just sat back in bed and watched in amazement the peaks on the printout tell me when I was contracting. I sat there for a while, just trying to focus on anything but the fact that I would soon be pushing a small person out a VERY small place. The nurse came in and checked me, and I had dilated to an 8, completely effaced. She was a little worried that my water hadn't broke yet, so she called the Dr. in (he was there for another delivery down the hall) and he decide that we needed to break it with that little hooky thing. Ya know, that extra long crochet hook thing... the one that looks like it very well could puncture my lungs at the same time as breaking the bag of water! Yikes! But, lo and behold, right as he was ripping the sterile paper off the hook, my water broke on it's own. I guess is just needed to be scared into submission. It must have been pretty scared, because that's when it freaked out my uterus, who then panicked and started contracting what seemed like every minute. Forget the epidural, even it couldn't take away ALL the pain my uterus was shelling out. About 1/2 hour later I started to feel a crazy amount of pressure so I sent DH to get the nurse. She told him that there was "no way" that I would be ready to push yet, but that she'd come check me in a minute. When she got there, I was a mess... totally freaked out and wanting to push... HARD! So.. of course just because there was "no way" I could be at a 10... I was at a 10! She got everything ready, called for back up (and the Dr.) and started having me push. All the fear was gone. I just wanted to push... it's all I could think about. It was so crazy!

Exactly 27 minutes later, at 11:33 pm, our precious angel was born. When I heard her cry, the flood gates opened and I lost it. After 5 1/2 long years, all the IF, and a pregnancy that seemed to last forever... She was here. She was so small, and yet her arrival was paramount for us. I didn't want to let her go, even an hour later. The nurses were all so great, and didn't take her from me until I was ready. 7 lbs. 3 oz. and 20 1/2 inches long. Perfect!

It was so funny. While I was holding her, I called the Munchkin and told her that her baby sister was here. She was so excited, but not nearly the reaction I thought I'd get. She happily said "Oh really? Is that her in the background? She sounds cute!". My MIL told us she'd bring her up, so I let the nurses take the baby to the nursery, and they moved me from L&D to the postpartum wing. When the Kiddo got there I bawled again. When she saw her sister, her face lit up and she grinned from ear to ear. "Can I hold her right now?" she asked. So, we made her sit down and DH placed her sister in her arms. She looked at her so lovingly, and was so gentle with her. She spoke so softly to her, most of the time, we couldn't even hear what she was saying. I can only imagine. It was the perfect moment. My 2 angels together at last. It couldn't have been more gratifying, and awe-inspiring.

So now, as I wait to be discharged this afternoon... I remembered that there are about 3 doz. sugar cookies at home waiting to be decorated. Like I said... perfect!*

At least this is how it might have gone if my baby had lived. Here's to empty arms, broken hearts, and missing angels.

That even in those darkest days,when hope eluded meHe was working on a masterpieceand he'd remembered me.

-----------------------------------

Even though I struggle with this blog, it is possible for me to occasionally put my feelings into words. I wrote this in an IF journal that I started about 2 years into trying. Every once in a while when I'm feeling brave, I open its pages and remind myself of why I keep doing this.

Every month it seems that I can't help but voluntarily torture myself with grandios daydreams of what I will do when, THIS month, there is no lonely line but instead, the glorious site of two lines starting back at me. How will I tell DH? How we will tell our parents; will we tell anyone at all? And then there's my cruelest vision... how our daughter will finally get the answer to her prayers.

Once another weight of 'failure' is added to my shouders, this entry tends to be the one I go to. I wrote it during one of the darkest times in my life. My daughter had seemed to grow up overnight, leaving behind any ounce of baby she had left in her. My husband was not yet in the pits of IF depair, but was instead at the point of "You're overreacting. Everything is fine." Everyone treated me as if I was so selfish for wanting another baby so badly. How dare I when I already had a beautiful little girl and there were so many still waiting? I felt more alone than I ever had, and the only outlet I had was my journal.

The finished entry surprised me. I had meant for it to be dark and depressed; exactly how I was feeling. Somehow, it didn't go that way. Before I had finished, I felt buoyed, hopeful, and like I actually had something to gain from all I was going through. Somewhere within me, deep deep down, there was still a bit of hope.

So now, when I'm feeling low and defeated, I sometimes pull out this poem and remember that I'm not finished yet. One day I WILL see what my heart longs for most; My beautiful daughter holding a miracle with a smile on her face that the whole world will take pause to see.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

It has been 11 days since my surgery. I have layed on this couch almost 24 hrs. a day, for 11 days. And, being the lucky gal that I am, I have 10 more days to go!

So here's what happened:

I went to the doctor because my foot has been hurting for a while now, and I noticed that the bump on the side of my foot seemed to be getting larger. He took x-rays and then told me that a bone in my foot had shifted 16 degrees, causing the huge bump, and it was starting to form a bunion.

What I was actually seeing was the head of the bone that attatched to the joint of my big toe.

The cause you ask? Well, that would be my lazy ligaments. When I was younger I thought that being hyperflexible was a great thing; I never broke a bone (I would just bend instead), tumbling was a breeze, and I could paint my toenails with my foot facing me. Seriously, how could this be bad??

It's bad. Truly.

Now, as an adult, I have 3 bulging discs in my back and flat feet (which caused the bone to move) to show for my lazy ligaments.

So it was surgery for me. Of course it didn't go as planned. The bone had shifted much farther than he initially thought (apparently I was supposed to put all my weight on my foot during the x-ray. Go fig'.) causing him to have to take more bone out to correct the curve, and he even had to take a wedge of bone out of my big toe to make it straighten out. Lovely.

But wait... there's more.

This past Wednesday, just when I had weened myself off the pain killers (I'm paranoid of becoming addicted), and was starting to feel better... I developed a rash on my tongue, and white spots down my throat. I went to the doctor who told me that I have thrush (caused by preventative antibiotics my surgeon had me on) and a bunch of ulcers (caused by a virus) that are occupying my esophogus. Lucky, LUCKY me!

So, here I lay... with a heavily bandaged left foot, downing medication and counting down the days until I can FINALLY get the pin removed and hopefully walk again. (Oh, I didn't mention the lovely green headed pin sticking out of my foot that the doctor will remove sans anesthesia? Silly me!) The ability to swallow comfortably would be nice too, but I don't wanna push my luck.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Although we are one of the "lucky" ones that have infertility coverage, apparenlty Bl.ue Cr.oss B.lue Shi.eld has a bunch of mentally challenged morons running their claim departments. I swear these people are the dumbest people on the planet!

Because we don't have a participating andrology lab within 100 miles of our home, we were given in in-for-out approval to do 10 IUIs through 12/31/08. This gives us permission to use an out-of-network provider, and they are supposed to reimburse us at the in-network amounts. It is supposed to take 6 weeks from the time you send in the claim to recieve a check. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

For our IUI that we did in June, it took them 3 months to process the claim. The had a different reason everytime I called as to why they denied it 3 times. "The in-for-out is in your name, and the reciepts are listed under your husband, even though your name is listed in the corner; under 'patient', it shows your husband..." (Their medical management team that approved the IFO told me that they have to put infertility IFO's in the females name always, but that it automatically covers the cost of the entire procedure, male and female portions) "You have to have seperate reciepts for the IUI, and for the sperm preparation" (Medical managements says it doesn't matter, and that it is all one procedure. Can't have up without down). Finally after 3 months, and countless phone calls and appeals, I got my check.

Well, when we did our 3rd IUI on Sept. 29, I sent in 2 reciepts just in case along with a letter explaining what happened with the previous claim and referencing the number so that they had an example of sorts, and also gave them my in-for-out number. I gave them all the information that the form requested, along with every little thing shy of my genetic sequences. Apparently, that's required too.

I sent the information to the address listed on the form, who then sent it to the local address (which is NOT our insurance, we have Empire BC.BS, they sent it to Regence BC.BS) so I recieved the ENTIRE package back. THE ORIGINALS!!! They said that I had an invalid ID number listed (although I took it directly from their website) and had to send it back in. Of course its because they SENT IT TO THE WRONG DAMN INSURANCE!!!!

AAAAAAHHHH! I am sooooo pissed off right now! I could joyously strangle the next dim-witted claims representative I have to talk to... of course they are closed tonight! Lucky for me, I'm great at holding a grudge and I'll have plenty of penned-up hostility waiting for them at 7 AM sharp.

The silver lining in all this? Well, that would be the fact that the pissed off adrenaline that is flowing through my body is a GREAT pain killer. I haven't felt any pain in my foot (a first all day) since I got the mail.

I'll post more about my surgery later, but for now... I'm going to go be pissed.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I was checking in with Hope2marrow's blog (a new addiction of mine), and she had a very thought provoking post. I have never actually figured out how long we've been dealing with infertilty, and Hope's post made me wonder if figuring it out would give me new insite. So... I copied her. (Thanks for the idea Hope2marrow... it thought it was really cool, obviously.)

I just wanted to post quickly and let you all know that I am still alive, not utterly depressed, and I haven't given up.

I am sorry that I have been so busy. I am going in for another surgery on Tuesday (not IF related, not life threatening) and I will be on bed rest for 2 weeks after. I expect to have PLENTY of time for blogging then.

Thank you for all your kind words on my 66th "worst day ever" (I'm a little dramatic, what can I say?). It means a lot to know that you are all here for me.

Monday, October 13, 2008

My beta is today. I am so nervous, and not really feeling all that great about it. I'm not sure if that's my gut instinct telling me that this won't end well, or if it's years of experience trying to protect me from the hurt and disappointment that comes with a negative result.

I hope that I get the surprise of a lifetime and that this 5 1/2 year struggle ends with this one last blood test.

I was really nervous yesterday because my temp dropped. I took it at a much earlier time than normal but it still got to me and I thought for sure that I was out. Today it went back up, so I have no idea what to think. And, because this is only my second cycle since the surgery, I still haven't figured out what pains and twinges mean AF is coming, and what are just normal everyday things. Before, the endometrioma would get larger as AF approached, and it always gave me a good 24 hr. warning. Now I feel like I'm dangling in the wind. I have no idea what to expect. I'm grateful for my BBT chart, because I'm pretty sure it will be my only indicator until I figure things out. I'm glad that my RE made such a big deal out of me using one. It has proved to be invaluable... nerve racking, but invaluable at the same time.

Well, I'm starting to ramble, must be the anxiety getting to me. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

So I got the crazy idea (seriously, I've never done this before) to overlay this cycles chart with my pregnancy/miscarriage chart from March. I'm not so sure it's a good thing or a bad thing, but so far they look very similar.

Can you predict a miscarriage by temps?? I honestly have no idea, other than a major drop, suggesting a low progesterone level.

What are your opinions? Good- suggesting a pregnancy, or Bad- predicting a miscarriage?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Not a lot has been going on in my neck of the woods, so I apologize for being the crappy blogger that I am. (If it makes you feel any better, I'm not doing so great with my family blog either).

Our IUI went well, and we are not just waiting for DH's small scale SA that went with it. As far as any pg symptoms, they are small... if they even are pg symptoms. I've been feeling a bit more emotional lately (could just be that I jumped into this with both feet, and I'm still looking for the ground), and I have been pretty tired too (staying up WAY late, could be the culprit, but let's pretend, k?).

Right now I just feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not feeling bad about this cycle, but I'm not full of that super-charged enthusiasm that I was a week ago either; which makes me lean toward thinking that maybe this isn't my month. It's such a screwed up process. I guess after hoping and praying for so long, I just expect that if I am pregnant, that I would "feel" different right now.

Anyway, that's what going on in Meimland. A lot of trying to distract myself, with even more emphasis in trying to make it to my beta next Monday. I serioulsy doubt I will make it that long... Thursday is looking pretty promising as a hpt day right now. AAAAHHHHH! I HATE not knowing!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

After I told my RE that I was going to do clomid (or more like his stuck-up nurse) they decided that I couldn't come to them for monitoring this cycle, and I would have to go to the Dr. who prescribed the clomid. Well, seeing as I didn't want to be crappily monitored by an OB who only THINKS he's good at dealing with IF, I had to skip the trigger shot. I was only a little disappointed and decided to go back to OPKs twice a day from CD 10 on.

Well, assuming that I would ovulate earlier because of the clomid (I took it days 3-7) I only bought 1 box. By CD 13, I had not yet had anywhere near a positive read, so I decided I would go back and buy another box. Of course, all day, I forgot about it and didn't remember until 8:15 pm (my deadline for testing the second time each day is 9 pm).

So, back to Wal.mart I go, and of course, they are out of Cle.ar Blu.e Ea.sy OPKs... and of course, that's the only brand my clinic will accept for accurate results. So, now that I am in a panic (and having to pee horribly) I tried another store... nope, then another, they didn't have any either. So, I raced to the next nearest store hoping that they carried my brand. All the way into the store (it's almost 9 by this point) I am praying that, please... if this is my month PLEASE let them carry CBE. I walked through the aisles searching for that rectangular blue box, and lo and behold, there it was. I almost cried. And then I looked at the price tag. $7.00 more than I normally pay. Seeing as I had only had enough cash on me to pay the Wal.mar.t price, I continued to pray as I counted my change.

I sqeaked by, by 17 cents. I thanked my lucky stars, and continued on with testing twice a day.

In the meantime, I had been fighting my insurance over reimbursing me for the IUI we did in June. They are supposed to cover 90% of the costs, but for some reason (mainly a lack of communication between departments)they had denied the claim twice, regardless of the fact that I had a pre-approval number, and every ounce of documentation they had requested. The last time I talked to them, on Sept. 2, I was assured that it was all taken care of and I would recieve a check no later than the 21st. Without it, this IUI would not be possible for us financially. Sept. 21st came and went, and no check. I called again on Friday, and was told that the claim was applied to my out-of-network deductible, and they would process an appeal, but it would take 30 days for a resolution.

But then, at roughly 4:00 today, I got a glowing "positive" OPK. The test line was showing before the control line had even been reached.

Of course, I was excited to get such a clear positive, but at the same time, disappointed that we would have to go the "natural" route instead of an IUI (no offense, honey).

Tonight we went to a family dinner at DH's parents house and came home about an hour ago. While pulling in the drive way, I realized that we failed to check the mail yesterday, so DH went out and got it.

In the mess of advertisements and junk mail, laid an envelope from Blue X Blue Shei.ld for exactly 90% of the costs of an IUI.

So, with a bit of renewed faith, and a hell of a lot of hope, we are going in for IUI #5 tomarrow.

It seems like God may finally be on our side this cycle. Hopefully, he doesn't change his mind. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I'm back. In every sense of the word. I'm (almost) fully recovered from my surgery, I'm back on the TTC bandwagon, and I'm feeling more determined than ever. I think there may be an end to what will now be know as my "dark" period. That's not to say that my emotions aren't sometimes a little tender, but I'm feeling much more like the pre-m/c Meim.

I called my RE last week and informed him (really... I didn't ask, I TOLD him) that I was going to be taking clomid days 3-7 and I would like to discuss a trigger shot with him before my next IUI that should fall somewhere between the 29th and the 1st. He's not a big fan of me using clomid, seeing as this will be my 21st attempt, but I really feel like I need to do this. Most of the 20 rounds before now were with the help of a different (and dare I say, less competent) Dr., who although I love him dearly and will be going to him to monitor my pregnancy (yes... I meant to say that as if it's inevitable), he's not so great in the IF department. I am going to a much more successful clinic, who managed to help me get pregnant WITHOUT drugs or ultrasounds. After almost 5 years, they did it on the first try. Regretfully, that pregnancy is what ended in m/c, but still... they get points for the accomplishment.

Ladies, I can't even express how close I feel. I have never felt this way.. and it is scaring the holy crap out of me. Yes, I feel invigorated, but at the same time so incredibly nervous.

Now, I know that I've had a bit of a spiritual crisis as of late, but I feel like I may not have a choice anymore. I can't help but feel like someone is watching over me right now. There are things I KNOW, and I can't rationalize them. I have no reason for being hopeful. None. But I KNOW that it is close. Very close. Maybe not this cycle, but I feel as though it will be within 3. And I KNOW it will stick. I'm not sure why I feel this way and man, will it suck if I have to eat my words come December; but I WILL try again.

I can only foresee one bump in the road. December 18th. The day that is still highlighted on my calendar with the words "Baby Due". I will cry that day, regardless of my current state. It will be my day of remembering "the one who got away".

So, here we go. Blindly following an invisible guide that tells me what I "know".

Monday, September 1, 2008

So you're probably wondering about surgery, so I'll get to that in a minute but first...

O-M-G!!! You know that feeling when you meet, or see a favorite celebrity in real life, whether it be at a concert or on the street? That stupid excitement that you are embarassed to admit you feel? Yeah, well... that's how I felt when I saw Niobe and Penny's comments on MY blog. I love to have comments of ANY KIND, but these two exceptional ladies make me laugh, think, and sometimes cry, on a daily basis. I am completely addicted to their blogs, and I felt so honored that they read my lame-brain posts. (Niobe, I am convinced that you should be a writer. 100%)

I hope that everyone who stumbles upon my little corner of the blogosphere feels welcome and appreciated. I am so grateful for all your comments. I LOVE to hear from all of you! I was just very humbled to have these women who are my blogging celebrities read my blog. Okay... enough of that.

Surgery...

I am going to have a laparotomy on Friday (time TBA). The surgeon that I met with told me that he is 99.9% sure that it is a endometrioma that is causing the pain. I was so relieved that it is something that can be fixed! Usually, you aren't all that excited to find out that there is something wrong with your insides, but this actually made me feel so relieved. I am sure that I will have a quick recovery, and I'm not really nervous at all. I am going to make one more appointment with the surgeon before Friday so that I can ask a few questions, but it's strictly a formality.

Again, thank you all for your comments, especially Nity, and Hope2marrow. You buoy me more than I can tell you! I am beyond grateful (and yet so terribly sad) that you understand. I love you girls!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

(Warning: this is all mismashed and jumpy, but what-the-hell. I'm in a venting mood I guess.)

First up:My CAT scan results came back last week, and they were normal. I was beyond confused. I thought for sure that there would be some glowing mass on the films that would pinpoint the source of my discomfort. My Dr. called me and told me that I needed to meet with a surgeon. When I questioned him as to why, he told me that he is sure it is scar tissue, and the surgeon can get rid of it. Apparently, adhesions do not show on CT scans at all! GRRRRR!!! Talk about frustration. Sure glad I paid out the nose for ANOTHER test I didn't need!

No, I haven't made an appointment with the surgeon yet. I seemed to have contracted a nasty case of bronchitis that I need to get rid of first.

Second:My munchkin started 1st grade yesterday. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but it is turning out to be much more depressing than I ever would have suspected. This is not where I thought's I'd be at this point in my life. My plan was to get married, wait a year and then get pregnant. Well, that went pretty well. We celebrated our first anniversary in March, and got pregnant in August. We waited another year (almost) and started trying for a second baby. We wanted a total of 4 kids, spaced 2 years apart. I planned on being done having kids before I was 30. Well, you all know how that went... and I turned 27 on Friday.

What does this have to do with Munchkin going back to school? Well, it reminds me of my spoiled plans. If my life had gone according to plan, I'd have 2 other kids at home with me, and be expecting my caboose. Instead, I'm left here alone... and it sucks.

I am planning on going back to work now that she's in school full-time, and hopefully that will help. But for now, I'm wallowing in my own self-pity.

What sucks the most is how much I miss my Munchkin.

Third:I talked to DH about my feelings of being done with all the IF stuff. He was very patient with me, and calmly explained that he's not ready to give up. He's far more determined than I am. Honestly, he gave me just enough of a boost that I'm considering another IUI in September. I'm not completely comfortable with it yet, but I'm getting better everyday. I am going to meet with my RE and see about using clomid again. This would only be the 2nd time doing a clomid/IUI cycle. The other 3 were unmedicated. I'm hoping that with the clomid, and being more closely monitored with my RE, that we'll find success. In a way, it almost feels tangible... something in me says we're so close to a successful pregnancy, and yet my brain just laughs it off as being naive and gullible.

And to top it all off...Fall semester started yesterday, too. What classes am I taking? Oh, the easy ones... math and chemistry. (Apparently, I'm addicted to stress.)

Friday, August 15, 2008

Tomarrow morning at approximately eleven o'clock, I will be smack-dab in the middle of a CAT scan.

Last year I went to my doctor because of a severe burning sensation near my left ovary. I was told that it was probably just adhesions from my c-section and that I would need a laparoscopy to remove the damaged tissue. My OB said that it would more than likely (yeah, right) help me get pregnant. So... off to the OR I went. During the surgery he found that my uterus and bladder had fused together (which is apparently common after a c-section... go figure) and there was a small amount of scar tissue, but it was nowhere near my left ovary. He was able to correct the issues that he saw, and I went home the same day. My recovery was quick and relatively painless and surprisingly, the pain seemed to lessen so I was hopeful that it would go away completely.

Well, I guess that'll teach me to hope! It has gotten much worse over the last couple of months, and after spending a day last week in bed crying all day, I decided it was time to have the friggin' test done. (My OB had ordered the test months ago, and I foolishly laughed it off, deciding it would get better on its own.)

My general Dr. who is ordering this test (I was too embarrassed to go back to my OB. I can see the "I told you so" look now) was pretty right-on when trying to describe this indescribable pain, and he suggested that it was more scar tissue, or possibly a problem with my ovary itself.

SO, I am heading in for the CAT scan, and if it is found that there is either scar tissue OR a problem with my ovary I will be heading back into the OR for a tune-up (hopefully before school starts on the 25th).

Keep your fingers crossed that they will find something minor, and easy to fix. I'll post again when I hear the results.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

AF finally showed up Friday evening. She tried to psych me out, but I was prepared! Good thing too, because she decided to invade the Martina McBride concert that I was at. HA! AF:0 Meim:1!

We're still on a "break" this cycle. I figure the point of a planned pregnancy is to have a baby when you want one (stop laughing... I know that is incredibley naive to say) and a May due date is kind of off limits. We want to make sure that our daughter gets her own b-day, and there is no risk of someone intruding on her emerald territory.

I'm feeling much more upbeat today. Actually, for the last couple of days. I'm not really sure what has made a difference, but I guess I should just appreciate it.

Thank you all for the comments. It helps me to know that there are people out there who can relate.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Thanks for all of your help and suggestions. I decided to switch everything to a different email address. Unfortunately, I lost all of your great comments in the move. Please keep them coming. I love to read them (and then peak at your blogs).

Okay, so.. I've just started to get my feet wet with this whole blogging thing. Although I have an established family blog (by invite only), this whole "trying to be annonymous" thing is HORRIBLE! I keep finding little pieces of the "real" me that I have left for the whole world to see. I am unsure how to link both of my blogs to one email address for my own easy access, and keep them seperate at the same time. Any suggestions?

I can't believe that it has been 3 months since my miscarriage. In some respects it seems like it has been a lot longer, and yet it still burns fresh in my mind.

After 5 years, you'd think that I'd be completely used to disappointment but instead, this whole ordeal has taken me back to a place that I thought I had locked in the outer spaces of my mind, never to show it's ugly face again. I am back to that person I despise, resentful, jealous, full of malicious thoughts and unkind feelings. I can only hope I am hiding it well. It's so wierd for me. All these unfortunate emotions aren't directed at anyone in particular. I don't get upset when I see a pregnant woman (although jealousy never escapes me), and I don't necessarily wish evil things on the newest member of the bulging belly club. I am left with no outlet, and hence the creation of this blog.

I think the hardest part of all of this has been the loss of spirituality. I have never been one of great faith, but I'd say that I had enough to suffice. Now however, I cannot bring myself to pray, and the very mention of a God full of mercy and grace infuriates me. I thought that I was getting better, as these episodes of internal rage were decreasing, so I thought that maybe I could go back to church. WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Due to a morning out of my control (chalk it up to a certain 6 year old and a temper tantrum to beat all) I missed relief society and was too late for sunday school to comfortably enter the class. Instead, I sat in the chapel with a couple of my ward buddies who are the hooligans of the ward and never go to class. We sat and talked about everyday life. I was doing great. I was happy enough, although a bit uncomfortable being in that kind of building. And then Sacrament Meeting began. It didn't start immediately but slowly and surely the anxiety started to set in. It was tolerable until the sacrament prayers. Those words that I have heard so many times made my stomach turn and my eyes swell with tears. My heart felt heavy as I heard "that they may always have his spirit to be with them..." I wanted to scream to heaven, "WHERE WHERE YOU THEN?!" I could not bring myself to partake of the sacrament. I have NEVER intentionally, nor have I been instructed to pass on the sacrament. But last Sunday, I just couldn't do it. For the remainder of the meeting, I listened as young girls bared their testimonies and I thought of how "snowed" they are. I honestly felt sorry for them. Then, later that day when the meeting was over and I'd been home for some time, the guilt set in. I felt horrible for feeling the way I had, and even worse for thinking what I had thought. The whole experience made me realize how NOT ready I am to go back. Yet.

I am fairly certain that I believe there is a God, and I am almost as certain that he is aware of me. What I continue to doubt is his love for me, and his desire for my happiness. I honestly feel as though I can feel his pity for me; which to me is such a slap in the face. Pity from the one who has the power to end my suffering, and take all this hurt away. That's rich!

In the last few days as I think of what this whole infertility journey has been like, I keep having the same vision. Me climbing up a steep, dark, rocky hole. A hole so deep that I can't even see the light at the top. I keep climbing, getting scrapes and bruises along the way, but all the while, KNOWING that there is a light at the end. After climbing for what seems like forever, when I am close to giving up, and I can't take any more pain, I find the rope sent to rescue me... my climb is finally over! I grab the rope and cling to it with a renewed strength. Just as I start to feel like I am finally safe, and will see the light of day... the rope snaps, and I am sent plunging back down into the dark depths below.

So officially, we are taking a break. I decided after last months IUI that I needed some time off to heal. My hubby is incredibly supportive, and will pretty much do whatever is asked of him to help me through this. However, even though we aren't "trying" right now, I can't help but watch the calendar in anticipation. Should I test anyway? Is there a chance that I could be taken off guard? Probably not, but will I test? Maybe. It certainly doesn't help that I had mid cycle spotting. Very light spotting. You know, the kind that so many other would-be preggos say could be "implantation bleeding"? I'm so irritated. This "break" was supposed to help me relax. Um, NOT HAPPENING! I guess I'm still trying to find that happy, zen place that's just for me. (Either that, or I am as crazy as I think and infertility really is the nagging, hateful bitch that so many profess her to be.)

About Me

A first-time mom for the second time, after 8 years of infertility - I'm just trying to find my footing in this new place.
I'm a happily married Mom to LJ (born in May 2002), and EJ (aka Miss E, born in August 2011). I'm not sure what the future holds, but right now I don't really care. I'm just so freakin' happy! (FINALLY!!)