That giant sucking sound you’re hearing isn’t the economy, it’s Kim Kardashian thanking Kanye West legally tying himself to Kim over the weekend in front of David Blaine and a horde of rappers, reality star succubi, and Bruce Jenner looking like Aphrodite herself. The couple married at an historical Italian fortress before the giant wall of peonies the couple set up to deter God from striking Kim with lightning as she appeared in virginal white. There was also a brilliant white piano symbolizing the ebony and ivory harmony between Kim and Kanye. Also, that Kanye intends to rail Kim in her fat-injected dumper 88 times before he goes on tour and gets back to his regular whores. Do you Kanye Omari West, take this cobbled together offal parts money sucking skank to be your primary bitch for the next twelve to eighteen months until the sweeps week E! Breakup special? I duz. Cue Kris Jenner’s cackle so evil that Satan himself got embarrassed.

Here’s the official wedding guest list used at the event. You can blow it up and see who won the golden ticket. The highlighted names represent those who Kim has let finger her for cash. They were seated at similar tables so they’d have an easy conversation starter.

Kim Kardashian gathered up her sisters and half-sisters, some of her BFFs, and a half dozen or so of her entourage and handlers to make her Parisian bachelorette dinner look robust and happy. It was like the Last Supper of fame whores. Kim isn’t about to be nailed to the cross, but she is about to be nailed by her new husband, which has to be daunting for any woman who has held her maidenhead so sacrosanct for her new life partner. What will sex be like? Will I feel like a woman? Will I flinch when he poops on my face and tells me to eat it, bitch? If only Kim had a mom to talk to who had also been married multiple times and slept around with black celebrities like she was going for a Guinness Record.

Kanye West doesn’t like signing people’s crap as much as he just doesn’t like talking to other human beings, so it was a pleasant surprise when he took one whole second out of his busy day to sign a fan’s pair of Air Yeezy Red Octobers. Except, instead of just signing the stupid shoe and driving away to get a solid gold replica of his dick made for the fondue fountain at his wedding, Kanye told the fan that his Yeezys were fake, much to the poor guy’s disappointment. Kanye, of course, still smiled, because what’s a fake pair of shoes to a fan who might have spent his hard-earned money on them when Kanye’s still pocketing 9 figures to make some ugly ass red shoes? He probably even broke out into laughter when someone told him that little kids lose their fingers and hands making his knockoff shoes. Shit’s hilarious.

This weekend’s wedding between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West in Florence, Italy is supposed to be a small, personal affair that will only feature the closest of friends and family, and probably two chairs for Rob Kardashian. Of course, small and personal doesn’t mean humble or understated, because among the many luxuries that are bound to be revealed along the way, Lana Del Rey has been booked to sing her song “Young and Beautiful” for the special couple. According to Mirror, after Lana previously declined Kanye’s offer to perform at his baseball stadium engagement, she has now accepted six figures for the wedding, because self-respect and art don’t mean shit when it comes to pocketing that dirty sex tape money.

With Kim Kardashian and Kanye West just days away from their humble, private wedding in Italy, it’s a perfect time for Ray J to hop into the picture and make himself slightly famous again. When Kim was engaged to Kris Humphries, it was reported that Ray J was sending Kim inappropriate text messages while he openly bragged about their sex tape, and now he’s basically doing the same thing, except instead of text messages, he’s sending her a check for $46,840.13. According to TMZ, that’s the total amount of money Ray J has made through four months in 2014 on his sex tape with Kim. Keep in mind, that sex tape was made in 2007 and just about everybody on Earth has seen it, so the fact that it’s still making money is fucking retarded. At this point the government should purchase it and use its profits to fund the war on terror or improve the education system so today’s teenage girls will be better prepared for their careers in porn when they turn 18.

Last night, a bunch of beautiful famous people paid $25,000 and more to attend the Met Gala’s tribute to Charles James in New York City, and there were also many more people in attendance who both shouldn’t be famous and aren’t beautiful. Take Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, for example, as the couple stepped out as husband and wife for the first time so they could make some very serious faces for the photographers. Kim’s outfit was a bold change of direction for her, since she’d made showing off her tits a top priority ever since she gave birth to their daughter, North. Instead, she challenged people to move their eyes down her 4-foot tall body to focus on her leg and wonder whether or not she’d “accidentally” reveal her snatch. Of course, we’ve all seen that damn thing by now, so let’s just assume that she did and call this one another victory for sex tape stars.