adventures in semi-unemployment

This is not actually the first time I’ve gotten this passive-aggressive spammy screed.

Hello,

I saw your post on Craigs about your services, and wondered if you could join us in doing fellow writing professionals a favor.

Since you’re offering ‘writing services’, I hope you help us with a simple yes/no poll.
Recently, legislation has been proposed in several states to ask that ALL writing professionals who fail to report their income on their taxes, be tried as felony criminals.

Do you agree with this? Please let your opinion be heard:
Go to this page and vote your choice. You will be compensated for your
answer
Go here:

The first time I got it, I stared at it in blinking disbelief for a few moments and then deleted it out of sheer incredulity, without thinking of preserving it for posterity.

It’s actually kind of a masterpiece of manipulation. I don’t know how many writing professionals ol’ Steve gets to click the link, but he did spur me to consult with a tax professional. Good job, Steve! IRS should hire you to scare the underpaid into forking over their measly pennies. FELONY CRIMINALS? Really, Steve? That’s how you’re going to play this?

But, Steve’s right — we writing professionals need to stick together. That’s why I’m going to march over to Springfield this afternoon and personally hand a government official $5.32. That should about cover taxes for my editing income.

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to check the St. Louis Craigslist for writer/editor jobs before today. So far, I’ve found one scam, one job that sounds far too good to be true (the compensation section reads: “competitive base salary based on experience, plus health/dental insurance, 20+ paid days off per year, and FREE BEER”), and this doozy. Ah, Southern Illinois, you always do represent yourself so well.

FREELANCE WRITER NEEDED! We are looking for a creative Writer to tell our story! Situated in Southern Illinois with offices located throughout the country, our company is looking for a creative writer to develop copy for a custom company Press-Kit/brochure binder which will include, among other things, information about the company, it’s subsidiaries, offerings, history, leadership and credentials. The Writer must have strong grammar skills (those whom can’t cross i’s and dot t’s will not be considered), have the ability to research as needed as well as creatively bend and blend style accordingly to our needs. This is not a “sales” slick, but more of a “feel-good” piece. This will be a professionally printed and will be used as a print collateral centerpiece during corporate meetings, client interviews and throughout the sales process for high-profile potential customers. Please provide resume and at least 4 samples of best work. Those who reply without 4 samples and resume will not be considered. Payment for project commensurate with experience and will be negotiated with chosen writer based on supplied hourly rate or preferred project fees. Good luck and we look forward to working with someone soon!

I would like to highlight this particular sentence: “The Writer must have strong grammar skills (those whom can’t cross i’s and dot t’s will not be considered)…”

My professional opinion? Those whom can’t accurately quote idioms or keep the rules for “who” versus “whom” straight really shouldn’t be too picky about who writes their PR material.

I am looking for someone who can create a custom wedding topper for my wedding. The theme behind the topper would be super mario world, in particular the castle with mario/princess in front in full wedding attire. Obviously being a gamer would be helpful for this gig, but not required. The main points of the topper would be the castle in the background, with mario/princess out front in their tux/wedding gown surrounded in the foreground by bushes/power flowers/mushrooms.

Congratulations! You win at weddings, Craigslist, and life. With so much failure in the world and in job listings, you are a ray of shining, pixelated sunlight. Can I be your friend (and/or steal your idea)?

First, let me start off by saying that I hope that you had good luck with your “Paper Editing Services (Champaign-Urbana)” post. I love using this site to sell my stuff, as it almost always sells so fast, and usually for around my asking price. Although, gosh, I sure do meet some of the most, ummm, interesting people sometimes.

Anyway, the reason that I am emailing you is because I am working on a paper for class about how different people in different parts of the country like to shop at different stores. I’ve never been to chambana before, so I have no idea what would be most popular there. So anyway, if you don’t mind, I am just wanting to know which of the 2 is your favorite:

1. Kmart (my favorite, lol)
2. Sears (my favorite, lol)

So, if you could please just go to my website right here, and just vote for your favorite; it would help me out soooo much!

Thanks for your time!
====================================
“There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience. – Anatole Broyard”

1. We do not have a K-Mart in Champaign. You can lodge a complaint with the city, but I suggest first time-traveling back to 1995, the last time K-Mart was remotely relevant.
2. K-Mart is owned by Sears.
3. They can’t both be your favorite. LOL.
4. What the hell is up with the random quote advocating child discipline from an obscure literary critic (by the way, Anatole Broyard’s Wikipedia page focuses not on his body of work but on his dubious ancestry, which likely speaks volumes of his significance to the world)? Don’t get me wrong, that sentiment is probably echoed by many K-Mart customers, but I don’t believe much more of a connection exists.
5. You really do meet the most, um, “interesting” “people” on Craigslist.

Personal Assistant for Business Owner
Prefer male 21-30 years old. Business student for business owner. I have two businesses and no time for bill paying, bill receiving, data entry, oil changes for my fleet of vehicles, dry cleaning, keeping track of important meetings or dates or phone calls. You need to be organized and organize me. I have hundreds of contacts throughout Champaign-Urbana and will provide any help you need from me. You have access to my computers and my vehicles. I have never done this so your pay will be competitive. You might have to do heavy lifting. You never know? Email me at email with interest, resume, etc. thanks

First of all, I believe this business owner is imagining a relationship that might violate a few general societal guidelines regarding sexual harassment in the workplace. How am I able to gain this insight into their delicately masked motivations? Well, I’ve been reading a lot of job postings lately, and that the ad poster not only stated a gender and age preference but put it in the FIRST SENTENCE OF THE AD seems to be raising the old freak flag way up over half mast, if you know what I mean.

Not only that, but I’m getting some weird euphemism vibes off of “you need to organize me” and “I’ve never done this before so your pay will be competitive,” not to mention that suggestive “You never know?” I’m pretty sure this guy is picturing a working relationship akin to that of Captain Jack and Ianto from Torchwood, with hints of Devon Banks and Kenneth from 30 Rock*. He may as well have stood on his rooftop and rasped “INTERNET, BRING ME YOUR YOUNG MEN! I WANT THEM TO ORGANIZE ME.”

Oh yeah. How do I know it’s a guy? Because they want another dude to change their fucking oil.

*I command you to bow down to my superior television knowledge, anonymous Craigslist creeper!

Seeking House Hunters w/Deadly Aim
How to Down a Deal in House Hunting
* Location: SIGN IN SIGN UP START MAKING DOE
* Compensation: IF YOUR BAD I LOOSE 5 IF YOUR GOOD ILL LOOSES 10 APIECE THAT IS

The homophone killer is on the lose! Somewon better find him, or all of the area’s dear may be in danger!

Sidenote: If we’re good at the service or employment opportunity for which you’re advertising (the nature of which is left shrouded in mystery, which is widely recognized as the most clever ad technique EVER), you lose more (money, points, children?) than if we suck at it?

About

A year ago, I graduated college expecting to embark upon a career as a book editor. I didn't exactly expect wealth, intrigue, and international fame, but I also didn't expect to be making pagan sacrifices in thanks for the temporary, minimum-wage jobs that have been sustaining me for the past year. I've managed to dig my fingernails into a part-time job I've had since I was a student at a University tech department help desk, despite the University's best efforts to shake me off. To supplement that, I misspent four months doing desktop support at Staples. I quit that job when offered a position as an AV tech for a fancy conference center, but that seems to have been a cosmic carrot-on-a-stick. There, you're all caught up.