Divine Advice For a Celebrity Stalker

The last time I fell in love, I made a ring out of aluminum foil, introduced myself to the young lass, and handed it to her. The woman’s name was Paris Hilton. She laughed, so I am certain she was joyous. Two men in black strong-armed me out of there, and I am not certain why they wish to bar me from my romance with this fine young lady. I’m worried that my love is being held captive by these guys, and so my next move is to infiltrate her mansion and make love to her by dark of night. However, the fence is electrified, and the invisibility cloak that I received from hogwartsfans.com doesn’t seem to be working. I’m going to have to rob a bank before I can buy a plane ticket to Los Angeles. However, by searching for her on the internet, I discovered Ms. Hilton is no longer a virgin. I’m still in love, but I’m not sure if a gal that slept with another dude is worth the effort. Do you guys have any ideas for me?

—Dane in Pain

Dane,

I’m going to give you the inside scoop on Paris Hilton as only the Son of Man can. Three years from now, Ms. Hilton is going to be struck down with a MONSTROUS case of syphilis. In addition to the most notorious symptoms, I’m going to throw some new ones in there, such as “vanishing skin” and “inside-out stomach.” The worst part is that the person she’ll be catching syphilis from is none other than douchebag extraordinaire Stephen Baldwin . That’s right, I’m kicking him out of Christianity for being such a bat-shit wacko. When I do, he’s going to go on a three-year sex binge, during which he will catch 100 different STD’s. Paris is going to be lucky she’s just walking away with syphilis. So, Dane, do yourself a favor and get over this obsession of yours before you wind up with no skin and an inside-out stomach. There are other spoiled, empty-headed fish in the sea. Perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that Paris is being punished for her naughty ways.

—Jesus Christ, the Redeemer

Dane,

I’m going to tell you what I tell everyone who comes to me about a celebrity crush. Take that money you were saving for your LA trip and go to Vegas. There, you will find the best celebrity look-alike brothels in the world. I’ve been with a few “Paris Hiltons” out there, and I promise you won’t be able to tell the difference. I realize money can’t buy love, but it most certainly can buy lust. Once you get Paris out of your system, you’ll be able to see things more clearly. Then you’ll be ready to meet the women of your dreams.