Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I've heard there was a secret chordThat David played, and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do you?Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall, the major liftThe baffled king composing Hallelujah

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proofYou saw her bathing on the roofHer beauty and the moonlight overthrew youShe tied you to a kitchen chairShe broke your throne, she cut your hairAnd from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Well, baby, I've been here before.I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor.I used to live alone before I knew you.But I've seen your flag on the marble arch,And love is not a victory march,It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

Well, there was a time when you'd let me knowWhat's really going on below,But now you never show that to me, do you?But remember when I moved in you,And the Holy Ghost was moving too,And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Well, maybe there is a God above,But all that I've ever learned from loveWas how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.It's not a cry that you hear at night,And it is not somebody who has seen the lightIt's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My old friend Amity and her hubby John came by yesterdaywith their new baby. That made my day! Little missWillow is a prefect little human, looks a lot like Amity-except when she cries, she looks like her dad!!! :)

I was well and happy to hold a sweet little baby again.Amity and I talked a lot about the birth experience, andI think I'm very excited for that when the time comes. Fornow, I'm so glad that I didn't get married all those timesmy step dad pushed me too. I know if it had gone accordingto plans, I would have 2 or 3 little ones by now and be stuck inthe Quirverfull system for good.

I'm very happy for my friends and their little one, though!Makes me happy thinking that like them, I canpull out of the childhood I grew up in, and start freshwhen I bring my first little daughter or son intothis world.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Okay, so I've been increasingly more open minded as I recover from a past of judgmental, cult-like families, but I'm going to take a stand here and now on one subject.

I came across an old 60 minute transcript reviewing Laura Doyle's book 'The Surrendered Wife'. In the transcript, they discuss a passage taken from the book. Laura explains how she teaches her daughter regarding her husband, Jesse:

"We talk a lot about Jesse's, 'He's your daddy and you're supposed to obey your daddy and we want to honour him and we want to respect him'. And just talking about why we are cleaning. We want to have a clean house so that we can honor Daddy because Daddy likes the house to be clean. Put it right there. Do you know why we're making the fruit pizza? We're making it for Daddy. We want to please him. We want to do special things for him. Daddy's the king of our home, isn't he? ..."

According to the reporter, this 2 year old daughter is 'in training' to follow in her mother's footsteps as a surrendered wife. Instantly alarm bells went off and everything in me went No, no, no. Absolutely wanted to vomit. I DO have an opinion on this one subject, and it is a very strong one.

It is NOT right to teach girls from the time they are toddlers that someone deserves respect simply because they have a penis. That child's father should get his fruit pizza because Daddy works hard to take care of her, or because Daddy loves her very much and they do things for him because they love him, too, or because it feels good inside to make Daddy happy. And his daughter should respect him because he has integrity, or because he treats her respectfully, or because he sacrifices for them.

Teaching her that a man – even a father - deserves respect because Mama chooses to make Daddy the ultimate center of her world is absolutely not right. If Mom wants to be a surrendered wife, so be it and I hope she is happy with that choice, of course. She can let Dad make the parenting decisions and she can help enforce them. But it is not okay to teach her children (her daughters) that this way of life is anything beyond her choice as an adult.

Taking future choices away from any girl by teaching her that she doesn’t have future choices in education, religion, occupation or parenting devalues her intelligence, belittles her ability to choose with the same considerate thoughtfulness we did, and ignores the basic human rights we advocate for so many other oppressed women throughout the world.

I say all this with a degree of indignation and with a certain degree of sadness. My mother sought a better way of life for us girls than she had experienced. She and my step dad adopted a unique lifestyle that was meant to protect the kids from the evils of the world. We were raised explicitly in the line of thinking that Laura Doyle's book promotes. If I at any point along the way had aspired higher education or a career, that goal was immediately repressed with guilt. After all, a stay at home mother is the only blessed life God would allow a woman to have.

That was only one of many rigorously high standards we were expected to keep. Fraternizing with any family who was not like us was out of the question. This caused all of us kids to grow up very judgmental of nearly everyone. The most completely miserable aspect was that of being a female. Even though I could clearly see that my mother was the more capable and more fit parent, she insisted that dad was in charge. And even when my stepfather clearly overstepped boundaries that exist in a healthy father/daughter relationship, causing my utter hatred of him, STILL it was reiterated that I show nothing but respect and admiration for him. Respect that had long disappeared with his unjust actions. Admiration that was impossible to find in my heart.

I will not – I refuse to – raise my daughter to be a replica of me. I will not seek to pass on my personality or lifestyle because it’s the one that makes me happy. And yes, I do realize that this is a controversial subject, and I'm no longer a fan of controversy and debates. In the case of this subject, however, I feel no guilt in posting about it because for me there is no controversy. This is a rock solid conviction that Aaron and I stand on, and there is no solid argument in favor if this practice as far as I am concerned.

Dedicated to my future daughter/daughters... I vow that you will have a choice in what your life shapes up to be.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I wish that there were a huge celebration for all the family-less people in the world. Not only the ones who physically have families, but also for those who just have been displaced.

This time of year used to be my absolute favorite. My mom made sure to go all out with decor, singing, and general merry-making. We would never make less than 6 dozen cookies. Christmas spirit had a huge influence on me. Once my aunt came 3 hours to stay with us after getting in a huge fight with her husband. That Christmas, my step dad was stressed, and he and my aunt screamed all the way through the holiday. And I still loved it. Even the year I was 10, when my mom was hugely fat and pregnant, and Warren was intolerable, I remember making cookies with the midwife's daughter and having a blast, almost ignoring his mood.

As the one good memory from my childhood, this holiday stubbornly holds a special spot in my heart. Which is why now, despite everything I've done to protect myself, my heart feels like a hole was punched into the middle of it.

Because this year, there is no Christmas. The kids put up a tree, but well over half the decorations we always put up are gone. Christmas cards were not sent, and there are no cookies. The children are all gone to Lincoln.

Two nights ago, my sister and I went shopping for the little ones and each other. It was the most Christmas spirit I've shared this winter. We put aside our differences and watched a movie, made the peanut butter cookies with a Hershey's kiss in the middle, and wrapped presents. I think between the 2 of us, we could keep Christmas alive in our family, if we really tried.

My boyfriend called to tell me how many gifts he got for Christmas. Now he's at his grandparent's, getting ready for some really amazing food and 'quality family time'. Our new housemate told me that his parents give him 'some $500' to buy his own gifts. My friends from long ago are at their house right now, playing with the one present each that they let the kids open early.

I'm sure if they knew what that did to me, they wouldn't tell me. Or they would invite me to partake in their festivities. Which is touching, but like I've tried explaining, I would be the outsider no matter what way you looked at it. Christmas is totally a family thing.

That's why I propose a family-less people's Christmas. Where we can all cry a little bit, and miss our families. Where we can talk about how alone we would be if we didn't have each other. And then we could all eat a good supper, open some gifts, and commence in merry-making and laughter.

It hurts more the more I think about it, so I'm going to pull myself together now. Remind myself that it could be much worse, and then make some brownies and watch a movie or scoop some snow or something. Merry Christmas, my dear readers! I'll be back to my normal, composed self on December 26th.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

You can tell I'm bored if I resort to snapping photos ofmyself. I don't like to generally. Today flew byreally fast. I spent a lot of it cleaning the house up. ThenI got online and instantly got bored. haha

At least I have Ember to keep me company. She smellsSO good today! Yesterday my sis was here too. I don'thang out with her much, it was nice.

If I could be alone on an island for 20 years, I would. Aslong as I had a sandbox full of words. I'd just writeall day, meaningless nothings. It would be more interestingthan trying to communicate with some people, anyway.

Here are five random things you didn't need to know:

1. If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

2. President Kennedy was the fastest random speaker in the world with upwards of 350 words per minute.

3. According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction.

4. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. Ew!

Monday, December 21, 2009

I love being out of town; there is a certain peace about knowing I'll waste gas if I just run out, so I get to justify hanging out all day doing nothing.

I didn't even wake up until 11 am. When I did get up, I read books, moved Aaron's stuff, Hung up stuff, posted pictures, and did nothing until 6:30. Then I had to go to my little sister's concert. About that... I learned something tonight. Our 3rd grade homeschool choir was impressionably better than Norfolk's Junior High choir. Not only did we know how to harmonize, but we were using sign language to emphasize our songs.

I was in LOVE with my choir teacher. Memories of her are my favorite from my childhood. She used to have long, beautiful hair, and if I whispered in her ear, it would fall all over my upturned face. Kind of weird that I remember it so clearly, but I was in love with her voice, and everything else about her. So... yeah.

A few friends and I also watched the Princess and the Frog tonight, and it was beyond amazing. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to watch a super movie. I loved every second of it. Half the time, I was comparing characters in the movie to people in past Disney animations ("look, it's Edgar from Aristocats!!!"), and the other half I was wishing they would remake all the old movies to look as great as this one.

Want to hear some really deep thoughts I've been having... since it is so close to Christmas, I had to think about what I would do this holiday. I kind of thought about going to church, but besides that, I had no ideas. My mom is probably doing nothing, she is having Christmas burnout, apparently, and the kids went to their dad's. So I'm out a family for Christmas. Not like I had to be, I suppose. Because Aaron's family invited me to theirs.

Problem is, I felt something towards his family that scared me away big time. A few months ago, Aaron's dad was filling up my car tire, and he said that since I was one of his kids now, he was going to do car upkeep for me. And that, coupled with an amazing summer with his mom and dad, stirred up a lot of fond emotions inside me like an explosion.

Bad, bad idea.

That night I had a dream I was still with the Campbells. I woke up crying, but the memories kept rushing in. One of the Campbell girls was married to a cowboy, a true Southern, gentle, man. He was a quiet, unassuming, big protective bear. And I saw in him what I had always wanted in a dad. My idea of a good dad was this guy right here:His name is Guy Penrod. And this guy was a lot like him. He was my father figure-in my dreams. But one day (in real life!), he was introducing his family, and he turned to me and told his friends, "and this is my oldest girl, Angel. I used to say I would only have 5 kids, but I adopted our 6th because she is my daughter in my heart." Oh snap. I melted into a bliss.

Guess what? He's not around anymore. My mom and her 'religion' messed that all up for me. He got scared of our family and never tried to talk to me again after I moved away. It was a hell on Earth, but then, I was used to that back then.

Not now. I would rather die all alone than be rejected like that again. I don't need a dad. I don't WANT a dad. So why does it bother me so much? It's because I know deep down that I'm bullshitting myself. I know I still want a father. How many times have I been tortured by thoughts of my wedding day and the fact that I'll walk down the aisle alone? How often have I wished I had a dad to talk to about Aaron, and guy stuff, and just to love? And to me, Aaron's dad seems to be made of really good dad material. I'd love to be his kid, to have any dad who cared that much.

So, that makes it a little awkward for me when I'm around his family anymore. Because I start caring too much. I'm trying to convince myself I need to be a loner. I like giving off the appearance of being strong and alone. I wish I could pull it off more convincingly. I'm rather fond of being alone the more I do it, though. Isolation builds the loner in me. Christmas break should help with that, since everyone is gone or busy.

Kind of weird how some freindships work out. Without naming anyone, here's how one has gone just recently: friends for about 6 months, then more like brother and sister for a year, then practically lovers for a month or two, to suddenly cut off. Gone. Out of the picture; but then back again, suddenly, in a weird, choppy way. Streaks of caramel in and out my life.

If you think that's a weird relationship, consider this one: Starts with close friends for about 1 1/2 years. Turns into him thinking of me as girlfriend material while I view him as a father figure. Grows into us dating. Cools down to friends again. Boils up to his rage and my panic. Cut off completely for about 6 months. Out of nowhere, emerging again. Tentative friends, then suddenly heats up to a really smoking passion. Huh. That was weird. And for the first time it's my turn to view him as less than perfect. Wonder what comes next? Cobalt shimmers, faint and far away.

I like the steady, nonstop loving relationships. The kind with a cerise hue. The kind that says Aaron Lee all over it. As long as I have him, I can pretend I'm a good loner, cause all the friendship I need, all the trust I ask for, I can find in him. Without him, I'd be lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Time to stop thinking deep and start thinking happy Christmas thoughts. Here's my kitten:Isn't Ember Rose sweet!?! Her color is mango, if you wanted to know. What a cutie. I'm going to go eat some Honey Buzzers (It's a cereal.)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

1. It's a bit chilly, I'm still recovering from the weather outside my dorm room. Wish I lived in Tennessee, where it was freezing at 42 degrees!

2. I have the most beautiful kitten in the world. Her name is Ember, and she is adorable!She's a tiny girl for now, but I think she's going to be pretty big. She decided she loved me today-she curled up in my lap and passed out. Sweet baby... (thank you, Cassie!!!)

3. We are moving into our new house by Friday. Lots of work, moving is. At least we have a beautiful house to move into. I'll put up pictures soon.

Short post, cause I'm really tired... and full of chili, which makes me tireder...

So... I think I got a concussion last night. The main reason I think this is that this kidand I slammed heads so hard I heard a crack. And then I felt a throbbing pain on the OTHER side of my head! Not to mention that I slept last night like I had taken sleeping pills, and I couldn't remember my roommate's name when I woke up. Ouch.

We have a lot of snow here. Actually, more than I have seen all year. That's why school is cancelled! I'm very excited about that.Our school NEVER closes, so this is a fun occasion. I should be doing laundry today. I will get around to that eventually. I also want to make brownies. It would be fun to smell like a coconut in this weather.

There was an awesome Australian film crew at our house yesterday. I had more fun with these guys than I have any of the previous crews. Aaron and I got to bring friends and eat out with them. They had never experienced snow like ours! It was pretty interesting. Apparently They went to talk to the Campbells, the people I stayed with in Tennessee. The Campbells weren't aware of the subject of the interview. So they were very surprised when they heard it was about me. They then tried to lie and say they didn't know who I was, which obviously wasn't true, since they had also sad I had more problems then then could fix. So I guess in a way I got my revenge on them, or will in this documentery. Not like I was looking to. Part of me is scared that I'm going to lose my friends forever. The other part knows I never really had those friends to begin with.

I have a friend I haven't talked about before... I don't really know why.He's a really sweet guy. Oh, and he likes Josh Groban! I love that because he picked someone that I know. Like Celtic Thunder. Josh reminded me of a super sweet shy guy. I wish I could go back to Nashville... specially with this weather.

I got my Christmas shopping done!! lots of cool things. I can't wait to talk about what I got, but I can't yet.

Heart ATTACK!!! I thought I just lost everything I typed so far. But I found it again. Hooray!!!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

It's been a long weekend. Promised to be a good one, but I guess promises get broken a lot. Hopefully it gets better. I've been feeling really down this past 24 hours, it's sucked. I hate when I make plans and they are messed up. But it's worse when someone else messes them up and then could care less that they did so.

Not that I should complain. I wonder if I'm controlling? I should keep track of what I do and see if I really am.

Today should get better because I'm getting a birthday present from a coworker, and that makes me happy. Plus tonight, if plans work out for once, I'm going to watch Blind Side at the theater. And then school comes again. Ugh. Two more weeks.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I'm up earlier than I really wanted to be. It is usually nice to be the first one up, but today I'm just plain tired.

Last night the choir groups at school had an away concert, and we were gone for that from 4-10. Really good time, though. I had a duet which went off well. It's so fun to watch the Men's Ensemble, mostly. All the little things that they do... Joe with his lips barely moving. Josh with a grin at all times. Dane and Cameron sport matching red faces in the top left. My favorite is Grady, though. He looks like he just got put in the middle of a group of people he doesn't know, and he stares around, petrified, as he sings. I LOVE it!

Sometimes I wish I could see what people really thought. Then I changed my mind cause I probably don't want to know. I'd rather know what I think people think of me. It might be more flattering. Or not.

If I had coconut smelling stuff, I'd wear it a lot. I love it.

All I want for Christmas is as follows: A vest from Shopko, I think. Converse Shoes. Boots, like the slipper/really soft kind everyone is wearing. Soft blanket? A PUPPY. Long sleeve shirts are cool. Gift cards are always awesome, to wherever. The Buckle would be a good place to get a gift card cause I love the jeans but they cost SO much.

I used to be a huge fan of Jesus. Then I became indifferent but respectful of him. Now I've decided I'm not a fan. He makes for a good excuse for a lot of people to do a lot of things they shouldn't. Like hating homosexuals. Which is to me the same thing as Southerners wanting slaves. It's discrimination. I used to be judgemental in the name of Jesus. So did my step dad. And he used Jesus to molest me, too. So I don't like Jesus that much anymore.

When I do talk about my real feelings these days, I get bashed. I used to hate that, but now I guess I'm used to it. I know how I feel, and I can't change it to make people happy. I still respect those people who love Jesus. But he is not my kind of myth. I would rather go with a flying spaghetti monster, or better yet, nothing at all.

Today I'm doing a tkd testing. I hope I can get to a new rank cause yellow belts are sad, and very low. I have a secret for you. Now that I'm a new person, I'm doing alot of new things that are fun and exciting. I got a tattoo, for instance. It's funny how my music teacher didn't freak out, and my mom loved it, but I hear that my boyfriend's family might be more opposed to it. So maybe I'll just keep my back covered around them. Oh wait...I already do. I also colored my hair green, then red, then back again. The weirdest thing to me is that I used to think I was immune to intimacy. It reminded me of my step dad. But now I feel the same as other young humans do, and it's kind of unfortunate. It makes me want to get married and get in the baby making business. It's a strange, dark magic to look at guy friends I've known all my life and feel a new sensation of 'wow, he's good looking...' I'll leave it at that and let you think my mind is just that innocent. I have no idea what to do with these new feelings. I guess I should go to counseling again. I'll go call her right now.

Okay, so back to my thoughts. I kind of really want to eat something taco.

My tattoo, in case you wondered, is a yin yang with dolphins around it. It has a lot of meaning to me. The dolphins are purple. When I'm rich I'm going to have a pet dolphin. The tattoo hurts now cause it's covered in scabs. My reallly good friend had a baby last weekend. I really want to go see it.

I could think of more things to say. Like talk about meeting Dane's dad at the concert last night, or about Ethan making dirty jokes. But I kinda want to be done for now and go get ready for my martial arts jazz.

About Me

No, you can't stopThe motion of the oceanOr the rain from aboveThey can try to stop the paradiseWe're dreaming ofBut you cannot stop the rhythmOf two hearts in love to stay'Cause you can't stop the beat!

Friends

About the Artist

I live in a world full of fantastic color. My name is baby blue and feels like cotton candy. I have synesthesia, which is a rare sensory condition. ****
I love music more than anything in the world, probably because it is the music of angels :)****
Gandhi is my hero and my role model, although I don't agree with everything he said or did.****
I never really had a childhood, but I'm happy to announce that the child in me is now alive and strong!
You can read my story at http://pastflashes.blogspot.com/