Saturday, September 1, 2007

Hello, Larry

Okay. First of all, "Thank you all for coming out today?" Terrible, TERRIBLE choice of words. Really awful.

You say you pleaded guilty to make this whole thing go away. Nice job. But let me get this straight...in trying to make it look like you hadn’t tried to blow a dude in an airport bathroom, you pleaded that you tried to blow a dude in an airport bathroom?I’ve heard more sensible defense strategies from Billy, Dolly and Jeffy in The Family Circus.

You declare that you have retained counsel and will follow their advice on how to proceed. Here. We can do this for free: GO. AWAY.

So there’s been a relentless, 8-month witch hunt over your predilection for airport bathroom sex ending June 11. And you decided to GO TO AN AIRPORT BATHROOM ON JUNE 11? Like, to celebrate? How about this: if your family is the victim of a witch hunt over your alleged sex romps in airport bathrooms for eight months, HOLD IT IN.

If you absolutely MUST GO in an airport, make it quick. Do your business and be on your way. It’s not like the police just arrest you when you walk in one of those things- though in your case it may be a good idea. You have to do something to arouse suspicion. Maybe DON’T DO THOSE THINGS. Also maybe don't be aroused.

Larry. Larry! The Statesman had "not a shred of evidence?" How about the fact that you were lingering in an airport bathroom after an 8-month witch hunt over your habit of having sex in airport bathrooms? That’s REALLY GOOD EVIDENCE.

What's the deal here, really? You were so stressed out about the newspaper claiming that you like to have sex in airport bathrooms that you decided to take a breather in an airport bathroom? And then plead that you tried to blow a dude? If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and takes night classes to learn English so it can say the words "I'm a duck," then you tried to blow a dude in an airport bathroom.

And this is because you’re upset about rumors flying ALL AROUND IDAHO? Up until this week, we knew exactly as much about the most talked-about person in Idaho as we did about the least talked-about person in Idaho. Relax.

But at 2:57, we get to the meat of the problem: “I’m not gay... I care about friends.” Like those two things can’t be true at the same time. Listen, while you’ve been living two shitty, dishonest lives, you’ve been voting again and again to keep people like me from enjoying one good, honest one. And your party puts the message out that gay people are promiscuous, licentious, a public health risk. But you wanna know the truth? While you’ve been trying to figure out how to explain to your family that it’s just a coincidence that you got busted for the very thing they’ve been the victim of a vicious 8-month witch hunt over, you want to know what my boyfriend and I have been up to?

Wine tasting. Also, Crowded House is doing a reunion tour, and we saw them.

It’s the people who can’t deal with their selves who cause all the trouble. If you absolutely must have sex with strangers, then do your thing. Just don’t try to stop me from being boring with my boyfriend. This isn’t about us, it’s about you. Even if it’s true that you aren’t gay, and have never been gay, I know one thing: you're a huge cocksucker.