There are so many people who will talk to you about Finding Your Passion.

These people, in my experience, tend to dot their i’s with eensy little hearts or smiley faces. In their worlds, Finding Your Passion appears to involve exotic trips, fabulous shoes, wine and botox. Oh, and buff, windswept, sultry people strolling on a beach. And inspiring motivational quotes.

Plenty of inspiring motivational quotes.

I, however, live in a different world and I’ll bet you live pretty close to me, too.

It’s a world where we work for a living and deal with plenty of competing pressures. It’s a world where things change, sometimes at the last possible minute, and what matters is less about the shoes you have on your feet and more about the resilience you have in your heart and mind.

How do you Find Your Passion in our demanding, fast-paced world?

It’s not a rhetorical question, believe me. In just two short weeks last September, I went from being a super-engaged, schedule-driven-by-my-children’s-interests mom to time-on-her hands, working from home middle-aged woman. I even have small dogs.

They are doing what they are supposed to be doing – what I raised them to be able to do – and I could not be happier.

Yet, after years and years of going wherever their sports events were, and spending time on their enthusiasms – hairstyles and the films of Quentin Tarantino, for instance – I have found myself with plenty of time to spend on what I want to do.

Which is, precisely… what?

The first couple of months that they were gone was still a hubbub of activity. I shipped things they forgot or realized they needed, and managed long phone calls processing their new environments. I traveled to visit each of them and devoted time and attention to the logistics around coming home for Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.

But now we’re in the long stretch where no one is coming home for some time. And I’ve even caught them referring to “home” as where they live now.

Which is heart-clenching the first time it happens, and then starts to make sense. Because, they are well and truly launched.

So, back to passion. Specifically, finding yours after a big change or just when you realize that your life is not as fulfilling as you’d like it to be.

The standard question in these moments is “When do you lose track of time?” and that’s a good one. I also add, “When do you feel most engaged and happy?”

Let’s say you figure out that you are most engaged and happy when you are traveling. OK – let’s go a little deeper, shall we?

What is it about travel that lights you up? Is it new experiences? New cuisine? Observations of differences in cultures? Is it the people you travel with? Is it because you always travel on vacation – away from work and chores?

Don’t say, “All of it!” because that’s too easy. And I am not letting you off the hook that easily.

Nor am I going to start dotting with teeny hearts.

Passion is not about what you do, but how you feel about what you’re doing.

If you figure out that you are driven to travel because you love to observe the differences in culture, then maybe you can also satisfy that passion by making sure to attend cultural festivals in your own town. You could regularly try different cuisines. You could host an exchange student. You could read books about different worlds. You could discover artists from around the world and learn about them.

Because, you see, your passion deserves to be in your life every single day, not just during one big trip a year.

When you live your passion, the world opens up for you. Possibilities become obvious. Connection is easy.

Life feels full and happy. Success is more and more effortless.

It’s pretty great.

As for me, after some deep reflection, I remembered my passions pretty clearly. They’re centered around creativity, mentorship, connecting and learning.

And while I miss the job I was really very good at and completely fulfilled by, I know that the things I am passionate about also fill me up.

Recently, I’ve been playing with simple and direct ways to figure out your why. Testing first on myself and then on two willing guinea pigs, I think I may have come up with a new tool to do it.

And now would be a pretty terrific time to ask, “Michele, why bother?” Or, even, “Speaking of why, Michele, why in the world do you do what you do?”

Funny, because just yesterday I was asked what I do for a living. When I replied, “I’m an executive coach”, the guy perked up and said, “What sport?” [“Uh…not a sport. I help people get better at their job, or find a job they’ll like better.” He eyeballed me. Then said, “Think you could help me?”]

I got exposed to the coaching world in early 2004 and was drawn immediately to the work of Thomas Leonard. Considered one of the founders of modern coaching, Leonard was an innovative thought leader in the field and the more I learned about him and his work, the bigger fan girl I became.

Leonard wrote this:

The professional coach is…

Your partner in achieving business and personal goals.Your champion during a turnaround.Your trainer in communication and life skills.
Your sounding board when making choices.
Your motivation when strong actions are called for.
Your unconditional support when you take a hit.
Your mentor in personal development.
Your co-designer when creating an extraordinary project.
Your beacon during stormy times.
Your wake-up call if you don’t hear your own.

And most importantly.

The professional coach is your partner in helping you have all of what matters most to you.

(Excerpted from Thomas Leonard‘s ‘How to Coach Anyone’ Solutions to 68 Common Coaching Situations published by Wealthy Thought Leader)

Leonard died in 2003, so I just missed knowing him personally. However, his legacy continues today via his co-author and colleague Andrea J. Lee, who I’m happy to call a friend. She posted the above on her Facebook page the other day which happily coincided with the exploration of my own why.

Super helpful, because Thomas’ words gave me a big context in which to frame my why.

Yes, my what is coaching – I do all of the things Thomas Leonard suggested in his list. And my how? Well, I use every bit of my training and experience in each coaching session. And I’m learning more every day.

But my why?

The thing that drives me?

The thing that causes me to wake up each morning eager to work with my first client at 7:15am? To speak with the guy in France despite the time zone and cultural challenges? To connect with you in Chicago? Or are you in San Francisco today? Maybe it’s Seattle this week?

What compels me to stand in front of the room with a clicker or a Sharpie in my hand, gesticulating wildly to make a point? What motivates me to write, speak and mentor?

What’s that kind of big, honking, super why?

(Deep breath)

My why is this: I want things to get better. For you, for me, for all of us.

And I absolutely know for certain that you can have exactly what you want – things can get so much better – when you are completely clear about who you are at your best and are brave enough to live that way.

So, I help people get clear and brave.

And then lives change for the better.

Then offices change for the better.

And families change for the better.

And neighborhoods, towns, cities, states, countries, worlds – all change for the better.

Sort of way out there big picture, but I’m sure you get the idea. You do, don’t you?

Seems to me like we are in the widest part of the arc these days with…analytics. Maybe the better word is “metrics”. Or maybe “algorithms”.

Oh, shoot – let’s just say “math”, shall we?

I continually hear stories about how organizations are driving accountability by taskifying every single function of every single employee and then measuring them according to an allegedly quantifiable “goal”, though if you ask me there are so many things at work which just cannot be quantified.

Such as creating strong relationships with customers.

Such as mentoring the next generation.

Such as being a genuinely nice person.

I have railed against the Tyranny of the Bean Counters for some time. But in some ways I get it, I really do.

I realize that there are some people for whom nothing is real unless they can see it, touch it, taste it – and make a little check mark signifying that it’s been documented.

And I know there are some people who are deeply suspicious and are certain that everyone would take advantage of lax supervision and become total slackers if given half a chance. [because, perhaps, they fear that this is what they would do in that circumstance. Just sayin’.]

And then there are those who have worked for large consulting firms, which take bean counting to a whole new, quite expensive level.

These folks represent the far part of the pendulum’s arc and have created a unrelenting emphasis on quantification and numbers. But it’s my fervent hope that at some point the pendulum swings back and rests at the middle point, where there are good goals – but also where the unmeasurable is valued and appreciated.

Because, in the end, success is not driven by numbers but by meaning.

Doubt me?

A recent study led by Yale professor Amy Wrzesniewski and Swarthmore professor Barry Schwartz looked at motivation using a group of 11,320 West Point cadets. They wanted to learn if the most successful people are driven by an internal motive, or by what they call an “instrumental” or external motive, or a combination of the two.

One might think that successful people have a perfect balance of internal and instrumental motives. They care about their work, and they care about getting the corner office – doesn’t that sound like the right mix?

But, guess what? The study showed something…different.

People who are motivated solely by what others will think, or how much money they will make – instrumental motives – tend to be unsuccessful over time than those who are internally driven.

Interesting, huh?

So, what if you have a blend of both internal and instrumental motives?

“Remarkably, cadets with strong internal and strong instrumental motives for attending West Point performed worse on every measure than did those with strong internal motives but weak instrumental ones. They were less likely to graduate, less outstanding as military officers and less committed to staying in the military,” say the study authors.

Now, back to the bean counters.

This study clearly shows that they’ve got it all wrong. Giving people better job titles, more money, the corner office as a prod for increased performance? Not going to work.

OK, maybe you get some short-term results – and you can certainly check a box off a list – but over the long-term your organization won’t really be successful because you’ve transformed internal motives into instrumental ones, which are ultimately much, much weaker.

The researchers say, “Rendering an activity more attractive by emphasizing both internal and instrumental motives to engage in it is completely understandable, but it may have the unintended effect of weakening the internal motives so essential to success.”

Meaning. Purpose. Learning. Growth. This is what we all need to be successful.

So, if you want success, transform your focus. Shift your own personal internal motives – the Big Why of why you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing – toward what it means, how it helps, what you learn, how you grow.

And if by chance you have the power to transform an entire organization, get cracking on amping up theses collective senses in your people – starting from the top right on down.

Because, “Our study suggests that efforts should be made to structure activities so that instrumental consequences do not become motives. Helping people focus on the meaning and impact of their work, rather than on, say, the financial returns it will bring, may be the best way to improve not only the quality of their work but also — counterintuitive though it may seem — their financial success.”

Got a couple of sentences together, then deleted them because they were stupid. Thought I’d start again on Wednesday.

Wednesday came and went in a flurry of meetings and appointments.

Thursday. On Thursday, I vowed to start again.

I really did.

Thursday came. Wrote no lines. Not even one sentence.

And then, of course, it was Friday and everyone knows that no one writes on a Friday.

Saturday was a chore day. I amused myself by running themes through my mind as I mopped, convincing myself that something brilliant would emerge.

It didn’t.

Today, I sat at the keyboard at 9am.

Until 10am.

Then, with no advance notice, it was 11am.

No words. No. Words. Came.

I decided that I would take a walk and think about what to write. And, to kill two birds with one stone, I decided to walk at the grocery store.

This strategy failed.

Then, I had lunch, imagining food would help.

It was delicious but no ideas came into my head.

I returned to the keyboard in search of something, anything, to say to you. To inspire you, to motivate you, to help you do that thing you really want to do.

And…I got nothing.

So, that’s what I’m going to leave you with. If you find yourself feeling like there’s something you should do but you find that day after day you don’t actually do it – well, then you owe it to yourself to take a break. And figure out how to get on fire about it so you can begin again.

I think all of us get to this place from time to time – when it feels like we’re pushing a rock uphill. When things really don’t flow. When we’re just not on fire.

When those moments happen, just relax. And wait for the spark. Because it will come.

It always does.

It may look different than what you expected, but there is going to be a spark of a great idea. And a big, creative, warming fire.

Probably the most important question I ask myself on a regular basis is:

“Michele, what do you want?”

Sometimes in a nod to my Southern heritage I even call myself “sugar” as in “Michele, sugar, what do you want?” Regardless of endearment, the question is a great way to check in and see what’s going on. Right here, right now – what is it I really want?

[Why, now that I’m thinking of it, I’m kind of thirsty so I’m going to go get some water.]

OK, I’m back.

Later, I will ask myself the same question and I may realize I haven’t had lunch yet, or I might want to sit down and write a bit on my new book project, or maybe I’ll want to take a minute and sit on the deck and feel the slight snap of autumn just coming into the breeze.

And some of you are thinking, “She constantly asks herself what she wants. That’s a bit…odd.” But you know what surprises me? I’m surprised that more people don’t do it.

It’s a simple practice, yet day in and day out in my work with clients, I see people who’ve forgotten that it’s possible to want something. I see people who have delayed and obeyed and contorted themselves to meet the expectations of others to such a degree that they can’t remember who they are.

Let alone what they want.

They have no preferences because there have been negative consequences for wanting something.

They’ve been told that their interests are stupid.

They’ve been disappointed so often that they’ve just stopped asking.

They go through each day in a sort of fog, feeling like there’s something missing and they don’t quite know what it is. And since they don’t know what it is, they don’t have a clue about how to get it.

They can’t remember how to listen to the little voice inside that says, “I’m thirsty”. They only get a drink of water if someone else is having one, too.

Now, I am not going all 60s Flower Child on you. I will not be quoting Crosby, Stills and/or Nash, and suggest that you “love the one you’re with” or “if it feels good, do it.”

No, I won’t. There’s something rather willy-nilly and potentially destructive in that messaging. Nope, instead I’ll give you this key:

Ask yourself what you want and be completely open to whatever you say in response.

No judgment.

No “it’s impossible”.

No concern about what anyone will think.

Just a simple question and an open answer.

It’ll change your life. Because you will be listening to yourself, and conscious of what’s really important. Remembering who you are.

There’s often a very rational, reasonable cycle people like me suggest to people like you:

Dream it ->Vision it -> Feel it -> Break it down into doable chunks ->Start doing those chunks, one by one by one -> Steadily, slowly, carefully, collect data along the way and adjust your actions or your dreams accordingly.

Jeez, that sounds deathly boring when I write it out like that. And time-consuming. And dull.

Watching-paint-dry slow, even.

When I see people who are stuck or struggling, even though they’re doing everything they should and following the “process” to a T, there’s something vital missing: they don’t really know why they’re doing it.

Motivation is the “why” you want to do a thing – like get a job, or get a contract, or get a client. Why write a book, or make a film? Why create something? Why do it?

You say: “Because I paid all this money for the degree, so I guess I should…” Or, “What would people say if I wasn’t a doctor/lawyer/Indian Chief after all this time?” Or maybe your answer is more like: “Everyone’s doing it – maybe that’s my ticket to Easy Street at last.”

[And you wonder why you’re stuck and nothing’s happening.]

You’re stuck because those things aren’t truly motivating – they’re all about fear. And fear will stop you in your tracks.

That’s it, right there. The thing I’ve seen in the most successful people I’ve ever known:

The spirit of can’t wait.

In many forms, can’t wait is extremely motivating. There’s the excited, toes-curled-up kind of “can’t wait!” or the seize-the-moment, the-time-is-now “can’t wait.” And there’s also the compelling, creative, “this idea cannot wait inside me – it must come out.”

If you’re dawdling, and can’t seem to make anything happen even though you’ve dreamed and visioned and felt it in your body and broken it down into manageable steps, maybe… maybe take a step back, and ask yourself “where’s my can’t wait on this thing?”

If you answer, “can’t find it”, then stop banging your head against the wall and look for something else that feels exciting, timely and compelling.

And if your answer is, “It can wait” then take a break and focus on other things that cannot wait. It’s likely that you have something else going on in your life which needs your full attention.

But if you answer, “Yep. I cannot wait to get this going! The time is now! I have to!” – guess what?

Once upon a time a baby girl was born to loving parents. On the day of her birth they gave her a beautiful box, a treasured gift. By her second birthday, the loving parents had died and the little girl was living with her aunt.

Now, Auntie was a mean-spirited, angry and bitter old crone. As the girl grew into a lovely young woman, Auntie would remind her, “You’re no better than anyone else”, and “Don’t get too big for your britches”, and, more painfully, “You are as ugly as your mother”, for Auntie had doted on the girl’s father and ignorantly blamed the girl’s mother for his death.

So, the girl grew up believing that she was, indeed, unattractive, and hid herself behind unfashionable and unflattering clothes.

At school, the girl worked hard and excelled at her studies. In fifth grade, jealous and deceitful Teacher took her aside and said, “You’re not as smart as you think you are — you’re just lucky. Once your luck fades, you will fail.” The girl did not know that luck was more important than hard work. Auntie had never told her that. She began to worry more about her luck running out than her studies, and soon her grades began to fall. “Teacher was right,” she thought. “I am not smart. Auntie is right, too. Who do I think I am, anyway?”

The girl struggled to finish her schooling and began to look for a job. Auntie said, “Don’t aim too high, you’ll be disappointed,” so the girl took a job cleaning offices. It was difficult, dirty, boring work, but the girl believed she was not smart enough to do anything else. Hadn’t Teacher said? Hadn’t Auntie said?

Every day she rode the bus to work. One day Nice Man started a conversation with the girl. She liked how his eyes twinkled. He had a kind face. He was a happy fellow. He asked her to go with him for a cup of coffee. Now, the girl had never been on a date with a boy before because Auntie had told her that all men, save her dead father, were useless bullies. “Men are interested in only one thing,” Auntie would say. “And once they get it, they dump you in a hot second.” The girl did not know what to do — this man seemed nice. But he might be fooling her.

She did not trust her own instincts. Auntie had been right about so many things — perhaps she was right about men and relationships. So with a sad shake of the head she said no to the coffee, and from that day on did not talk to any men.

Ten years later the girl was numb, living the same kind of small, safe life Auntie led. She was old before her time. That spring, Auntie died. The girl did not know what to do. She had looked to Auntie for so much. How could an old, ugly, stupid cleaning lady make it in the world, all alone?

As she cleaned the small house she shared with Auntie, she found the beautiful box her parents had given her on the day of her birth. She did not know what it was as spiteful Auntie had hidden the treasure away. The girl gently lifted the lid and a small piece of paper fluttered to her feet.

She opened it. It was from her parents. It said, “You are the treasure. May you live a life worthy of all of your gifts.” Inside the box was an intricately engraved silver mirror. The girl took the beautiful, cool metal in her hands and held it up to her face.

With a blinding flash, the girl saw what her parents had seen in her even as a baby. She saw clearly into her own heart and she was astonished. Rather than the ugly woman she had thought herself for so many years, suddenly she saw a lovely young woman. Was that her? Was she really that pretty?

In a moment, her limiting thoughts about herself fell away. She was beautiful, for she could see that clearly with her parents’ gift. She was able to love, for she had loved even unlovable Auntie. And she was smart, because she had figured out these things about herself.

And she knew, too, that all of those things had been inside her, hidden her whole life, because that’s how others had wanted it to be. She had been made to act small so that others could feel big. She straightened her spine at that thought, and vowed to never again allow herself to be framed by what others thought about her.

The next day the girl sold Auntie’s house, quit her job, enrolled in college and began her life anew, knowing that her greatest treasure was within her. It always had been there, and always would be.

Moral of the story: To live fully, you must live without limits — whether imposed by yourself or imposed by others. Everything you need to be your best self is already within you. That is your greatest treasure.