Category: General

Right now, I’m playing the hit Diana Ross sang in the 1980’s (written by Bernard Edwards and Nile Rodgers) “I’m Coming Out.” It has been such an anthem in my life, as in the lives of many queer people. I can’t even count how many gay bars, marches, or events I’ve heard this song played at, or have danced to.

There’s a new me coming out And I just had to live And I wanna give I’m completely positive I think this time around I am gonna do it Like you never knew it Ooh, I’ll make it through

Seems appropriate for this announcement. This has been brewing for about a year.

The image connected to this blog post is a hint, but I’ll lay it out. After living as an adult woman for 40 years, I’m transitioning to live as a man for the rest of it. The reasons for this decision are complex – I don’t have the standard narrative that “I’m a man born in the wrong body.” I actually identify as bi-gender – that is, I feel that both genders exist within me. That said, I’ve lived with gender dysphoria since puberty. I’ve spent many, many years working to love my body as it is. From therapy, to meditation practice, to embodied modalities such as Authentic Movement, all of which I deeply value and have made my life so much better. But they didn’t actually allow me the sense of being fully embodied and fully accepting of my body as it is.

What I came to was a full acceptance of the dysphoria, which is what led me to realize that the right avenue for me was to actually change my body and how I live my life. And, amazingly to me, once I made that decision, the embodiment I had sought for so long came to fruition. (To read in more detail about this process, and to keep up specifically on my transition process, you can read more at my other blog here.)

I’m legally changing my name to Maxwell next year. I’m having top surgery in early February.

In any big change, there are losses and gains, and I’m working to accept all of them with equanimity. One loss is one of community: I have been a part of the lesbian community for more than 30 years, and it feels weird to say “I’m not a lesbian anymore.” But it’s true – as I’m basically identifying as a man, I don’t get to be a lesbian anymore. I’ll miss that community, although I also have gotten to become a part of an amazing, loving, supportive community of trans-masculine folks, some of whom live right here in Sonoma County.

Life is quite the journey, and although there were many, many signs from very early on, I didn’t quite see this coming, so if you’re surprised, I get it. There’s more news, as well, and you can watch this video Ruth and I made for the Conscious Girlfriend Community.

Preface: This is only about interactions and conversations with people who are active, committed allies. This is NOT about conversations with anyone in the alt-right, or your sexist, homophobic uncle.

I see this dynamic play out over, and over, and I realized I really needed to write something about it.

The dynamic is this: someone with privilege (race, gender, class, cis, sexuality, ability, etc.) says or does something. Perhaps it’s an unconscious mistake, or perhaps not. What happens next is that the person without privilege gets triggered. And then they speak about what that privileged person just said, which then triggers the person with privilege, because, of course it does.

And with both people speaking while they are triggered, they continue to injure each other, and probably themselves, too. The person without privilege gets more jaded, and the person with privilege gets more wounded, feels more shame, and nothing changes. They each bring this same dynamic into other places and spaces, and… no wonder everyone feels like shit about the whole thing.

What’s most important for both sides of this equation is learning to get untriggered before you speak. It’s just as important for the person without privilege as it is for the person with.

Why is this? This is not about what’s right, or what’s polite, or whatever. This isn’t tone policing. This is about what’s effective, knowing what we know about the brain. One of the things we know about the brain is that when we get triggered – we’re in fight or flight mode. Our amygdalas are active. And what do they do? They actively hijack traffic from your pre-frontal cortex – that’s your wise, thinking brain. The amygdala does that because it’s not evolutionarily advantageous for us to be thinking when we’re in mortal danger. But it gets us in all sorts of trouble because in this modern world, we’re not all that often in mortal danger. And you might think you’re being brilliant in your riposte to what you are sure was the racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/classist comment someone made, but you’re not. You are actually not using your wise, thinking mind. Which means that whatever you think happened isn’t necessarily what happened, and what you say isn’t going to be effective. And how a conversation like that unfolds is never going to result in the outcome you’re looking for.

Why is it that what you think happened isn’t necessarily what actually happened? First off, as I said, when you got triggered, your brain turned off your wise mind – so you can’t effectively evaluate what was said or done in that state. Second, our brains are masters at filling in blanks – it’s really an important tool, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, the way our brains fill in blanks is actually quite often wrong.

Anyway, if you keep doing this, it’s going to keep being the same thing, over and over. We can’t move forward with our amygdalas. That’s part of why we’re in the mess we’re in. Those of us without privilege don’t get off the hook, sadly. We still have to do our own work to do, too.

I am likely one of a very few people who has nosebleed seats to the goings on in three different communities right now. I say nosebleed because I’m not closely involved in any one of these controversies, but because of my spiritual, avocational, and professional histories, I remain connected to these communities.

Drupal is an open source CMS that I used to build websites with. It has a large vibrant community of developers (of which I used to be a part) who contribute to it, and advance it, and just basically make it run well, and build cool stuff with it. Like many open-source communities, it has a “Benevolent Dictator for Life,” generally the person who started the whole thing in the first place. Over the past few weeks, a very long-time contributor to the project, named Larry Garfield (also known as crell) was asked to leave his leadership position by Dries Buytaert, Drupal’s BDFL. In the beginning, it seemed that the issue had to do with Larry’s particular BDSM lifestyle, but later, after the unveiling of DrupalConfessions, it has appeared that there may well be more to it than that. Again, I can’t really say, because, nosebleed. But it has left the Drupal community in disarray.

A few weeks ago, the UUA President, Peter Morales, resigned just ahead of the end of his term, because of a controversy relating to the hiring of yet another white guy to lead the Southern District, when there was (at least) one woman of color who was eminently qualified for the post. There has been a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth, as well as three amazing people stepping up to lead the UUA at this time, and, of course, some backlash about the co-presidents (and some wonderful responses to the backlash.)

One of the guests of honor to OdysseyCon emailed the organizers to express that the guest liaison is someone who is a known sexual harasser, and she didn’t feel safe. And the OdysseyCon concom (convention committee) poured salt on the wound by not listening, then she, and finally all of the guests of honor pulled out. And now everyone is talking about it. I would not say that the SF community is roiling in the same way.

What’s interesting to me in my nosebleed perspective is how similar these are to each other, even though they are completely different. They certainly are eliciting similar emotions on both sides of the controversies. There are definitely conversations about safety, who feels safe, who is safe. One could say that all of these are just about white men acting badly. But, on top there are issues of who has power and why. It’s more dimensional than that, of course, but power, whether it be the power to hire and fire, the power to make big decisions for a community, or the power to allow certain voices and disallow others is something few want to give up when they have it, and, predominantly, white men have it.

We’re in for a rough patch, I think. We are “led” by a group of basically unabashed white male heterosexual supremacists, and having to deal with that and then deal with it in the communities we might be involved with is a double whammy. And the problem is, this is not likely to get better. Because of the current administration, some people now believe that they don’t have to worry about their behavior. They can complain about people who are being “PC.” Be careful out there.

I don’t have much in me right now, except for questions. So I’ll ask them, sit with them, and perhaps you can sit with them with me.

First, How can I balance my regular life with the effort, work, actions needed at this time?

These are not normal times, and this is not a normal, garden variety conservative president. I remember what life was like under Reagan, Bush I and Bush II. My life went on, pretty much as normal. I was an activist, so I did activism, but it didn’t feel like an emergency – urgent, but not life-threatening. Most of us have to work to eat, keep the roof over our heads, keep our cats in kibble, so there has to be some modicum of a normal working life. But sometimes it feels like even that is problematic now. How can I plan courses or events, or launch new products, or write new code, when all this stuff is happening? But I have to, at the same time.

What effort, work, actions are really needed?

This is the tough one. On one hand, sure, writing our congresspeople, marching in the streets, doing other kinds of activism, is important – but what is really going to make a difference? We have someone in office who actually seems not to care at all about the rule of law, nor does he respect the balance of powers. So what is really going to make the biggest difference? Those of us against Trump might be in the majority, but there are an awful lot of people who like authoritarians, and are fine with what he’s doing. So what actions can I take that are going to have the biggest effect?

How to reach those people?

Ultimately, white working-class people who are authoritarian Trump supporters are going to eventually be hurt too, since Trump actually doesn’t care about them. In fact, they’ve already been hurt when he took away the interest discount for home buyers. But one of the hallmarks of Trump’s campaign has been that facts don’t actually matter to many people. Telling someone who says of the new ban on immigrants and refugees from the selected countries that none of them were responsible for a terrorist attack in the US isn’t actually going to make a difference to them. In general, humans are really hard to convince with facts when those facts don’t align with their pre-existing beliefs, but some humans have spent time and effort disciplining themselves to critical thinking approaches. But unless both sides of a conversation have that same approach, there can’t actually be a conversation. So how do we talk with people like this? How do we show them that they will be hurt too? Or maybe, ultimately, as long as they aren’t hurt all that much, they won’t care – they’ll be the “good Americans.”

What’s the endgame?

I’ll be very happy to see information that suggests that I am wrong about this, but I’m not seeing a way back to normal democratic process here in the United States. Dick Cheney actually said of the recent immigration ban that it “goes against everything we stand for and believe in…” That’s all well and good, but he’s one of the few men responsible for the process that led us to the mess we’re in right now. I just re-watched the movie “Lincoln” which shows how brilliantly Lincoln managed to end the Civil War, and bring the nation back together… sort of. The sad fact of the matter is that we have at least two different countries (actually 11, if you talk with Colin Woodard.) And I’m not sure that these countries are really compatible anymore.

And even if somehow, we manage to get rid of Trump, there is still Pence. And the Democratic Party holds a minority of everything except mayors – minority of congress, state legislatures and governors. How are we going to turn that around, and can we? And I’d also love to see information that suggest otherwise, but the toxic combination of the inevitable exacerbation of income inequality and inaction on global climate change that comes with GOP leadership means disintegration, if not in the short term, in the medium term. So what do I do with all of that?

And what about practice?

I keep feeling called to a deeper engagement with spiritual practice. I’ve felt that over the past few years, but the tug is even stronger now. How do I live into that while all this is going on?What does that look like?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

That’s the first amendment to our constitution. Congress shall make no law… abridging the freedom of speech… One of the most important founding principles of this problematic country, is that we are free to speak our minds. It is, in my opinion, the principle that defines us best, and the only one that can eventually lead us to a country that is truly just. And, the rub, of course, is when people speak in ways that we happen not to like. The statement, “I hate what you are saying, but I will defend to my death your right to say it.” is a reflection of the complexity of this particular founding principle.

The national anthem is a cultural instrument. There is no law, nor could there be, that forces anyone to do anything in particular during the anthem. You could sing “God Save the Queen” at the top of your voice if you wanted to. You could dance, you could stand on your head. And, you can sit. That’s called freedom of speech.

Thoughtless patriotism leads to tyranny. If we don’t want tyranny (few people actually do) we need thoughtful patriotism. And thoughtful patriotism says that when someone sits during the national anthem, they are expressing their freedom of speech. Yay!

It has been a sad few days since the Orlando shooting at the Pulse gay bar. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to address the intersecting issues that arose in the aftermath of the shooting. The issues around gun control, rising Islamophobia, the apparent self-hatred of the shooter, and the ways in which people are talking about (or not talking about) the issues at hand.

As I’ve been thinking about this, a set of verses from Matthew come to mind:

Matthew 7:15-20 says:

15 ‘Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. 16You will know them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorns, or figs from thistles? 17In the same way, every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus you will know them by their fruits.

Now of course, these verses are often used by conservative Christians to beat people over the head with, and tell people they are going to hell. But when you really read the gospels, and listen to what Jesus said, you can’t mistake what these fruits really are. The fruits are acts of kindness and compassion to people no matter who they are, nonviolence, welcoming the stranger, and taking care of the poor, hungry, sick and imprisoned.

And I keep thinking about our politicians and public figures whose only fruits are fear, hatred and delusion, even as they speak platitudes, and send their “thoughts and prayers” while sowing more fear and hatred. How do we hold them accountable for these fruits? How do we make it clear that we will accept nothingbut words and actions that decrease violence and increase compassion for everyonein our country, no matter who they are, or where they are from? I don’t have any answers immediately, but maybe, sort of like the far from perfect “Politifact” we need something that can measure and publicize the fruits of those who wield political, economic and social power in this country.

Michelle Murrain received her B.A. in Natural Science and Mathematics from Bennington College, and her Ph.D. in Biology from Case Western Reserve University. She was an HIV/AIDS educator and advocate in the early part of the HIV epidemic in Cleveland, OH, and was part of training hotline workers that staffed the first statewide HIV/AIDS Information hotline. Michelle taught at Hampshire College from 1989 through 1999, as Assistant and Associate Professor of Biology. She conducted studies primarily on the AIDS epidemic, particularly as it affected women and people of color. She was also involved in AIDS education and advocacy during the first half of the 1990s. She was involved in several grant-funded projects to enhance in-service science education for educators in the region, particularly in terms of use of technology in the classroom. She helped organize two conferences on technology in education, in 1998 and 1999.

In 1995, Michelle started a consulting practice that served the non-profit and educational sectors, primarily in the areas of developing database-driven web-sites, the implementation of Open Source software, and strategic technology planning. She was a nationally recognized leader in the nonprofit technology field. She was on the steering committee of the Non Profit Open Source Initiative (NOSI), and was a member of the boards of NTEN, the Nonprofit Technology Network, and of Aspiration, an organization that fosters software development in the nonprofit/NGO sector. Michelle has written many articles and reports for scholarly journals, educational and nonprofit audiences, and the public.

Michelle is a published poet, and a writer of speculative fiction. In 2005, Michelle wanted to explore theological issues, and incorporate them into her life and work. She went to Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley, California, and received her Certificate in Theological Studies in December of 2006. In 2014, Michelle co-founded Conscious Girlfriend, with her partner, Ruth Schwartz, a service that helps lesbians and queer women have conscious, fulfilling relationships.

Book Reviews

The Equity Equation:Fostering the Advancement of Women in the Sciences, Mathematics and Engineering, for College Teaching, 1997
Handbook of Black American Health, for Medical Anthropology Quarterly, 1995

What’s this?

I’m a polymath: hardware & software geek, spiritual teacher & theologian, writer, and scientist (in no particular order.) I’m interested in just about everything. I’ve realized that one of the things I do a lot of is “observe and reflect”, and dig deeper into things that are happening in the world.

This will be provocative, sometimes even surprising. I welcome discussion on whatever I’m writing about.