Entries Tagged as 'Kelly Conaboy saves the world'

The events that occurred on September 11th, 2001, were horrible, tragic, disgusting — just the worst. Very bad events. I was a 14-year-old freshman in high school at that time (how old do YOU feel right now) and I was in math class when they announced what had happened over the loudspeaker. The rest of the day pretty much went along as it normally would have because the teachers weren’t allowed to turn on the TVs, which was a great call. Good job, everyone involved in that decision. I’m glad my learning about Latin conjugations was not interrupted by my learning about THE BIGGEST EVENT IN MY LIFETIME AS IT WAS HAPPENING, YOU JERKS. [Read more →]

With tax day coming up soonish (?), there is no better time than now to talk about the incredible importance of taxes in America. For one thing, they fund all of the network television stations. For another, they fund all of the wars. And if it weren’t for taxes, no one would have health care or car insurance. So, as you can see, it is very important that you do all of your taxes.

“But how do you do them?” you might be asking. Well, that’s a good question. [Read more →]

The Winter Olympics: a veritable who’s who of today’s sports whatever. People going down mountains really fast, people skating around on ice really fast, Shaun White — it’s all very “who cares.” I’m surprised every time these things get renewed. [Read more →]

New Year’s Eve is one of America’s greatest traditions. And, as is true of all great American traditions, New Year’s Eve brings with it a new set of scary rumors each year. Will the world come to an end? Will all the dogs start talking and turn out to be very mean? Y2K? Maybe!

First of all, congratulations! You’re the president. I hope someone congratulates you about that every day.

Next, I’ve noticed that lately a lot of people are saying some pretty heavy things about your first year — stuff about how you haven’t accomplished much, something about dithering, etc. You’re probably thinking, “What have they ever done?” Also, “Give me a break, guys!” I know, right?

Webster’s Dictionary defines Thanksgiving as “a time for giving thanks” (probably), but for many, Thanksgiving is “a time for doing stuff that you don’t really want to do.” Driving places, doing dishes, cornucopias, football, leaves, pumpkins — all very much “the worst.”

But one of the good things about Thanksgiving is getting to hear lots of different and colorful political opinions around the Thanksgiving table. It’s a well-known fact that everyone loves having a political opinion and it’s also a well-known fact that everyone loves talking. The only trouble with these things is that sometimes everyone gets mad when you combine them. [Read more →]

I recently moved to New York City, the scariest place on Earth. Scary things happen here every minute of the day, but the scariest things to happen recently were the raids in some apartment buildings in Queens after they had been occupied by Naiz Khan, suspected associate of Al Qaeda.

Inventing ways to advertise products is the hardest job in the world. And products are things people want. Imagine, then, how hard it must be to think of how to advertise things people don’t care about at all, like environmental awareness and mass death.

So, let’s get this out of the way right now: I haven’t written this in a while. I broke my wrist two weeks ago and words can’t express how sorry you feel. It’s ok, don’t worry about it. Luckily for you, only the dumbest things in the world have been happening in the last two weeks. Who even cares about this stuff?

Sonia Sotomayor, enemy of whites, had her hearings in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee this week. Let me be the first to say: Jeeze! Sonia Sotomayor is literally the Matchbox 20 of Supreme Court nominees, meaning that everybody either loves her or hates her. The Democrats couldn’t stop telling her how pretty she was and the Republicans couldn’t stop telling her how much she loved abortions. And all she could talk about were laws and court cases. Ugh.

A number* of you have been writing in asking me to explain what exactly the G-8 is and what all the commotion is about them this week. At first I was excited to answer the question, wrongly under the impression that you had all asked about the vegetable drink V8. “Oh, I know this,” I thought. “V8 is a vegetable drink made from (presumably) 8 vegetables. They also have drinks that don’t taste like vegetables for which I have seen many commercials. I would like to try one of these drinks because I don’t think I eat enough vegetables due to their not-so-good taste. I haven’t gotten around to it yet, though. As for the commotion about them this week, I must say I am unaware. Thank you for your question,” was going to be my reply. When I noticed my mistake, I decided it would be best to scrap that reply.

It has been a tragic week for the families, friends, and fans of many popular American icons. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and Karl Malden have each been taken from us long before their* times and I can’t be the only one wondering why. Their deaths are senseless and the toll they have taken is massive and widespread. The question needs to be asked: How many more celebrities have to die before the implementation of universal health care?

A few weeks ago when someone said “Iran” the most common responses would have been “to where?” or “why?” or “wait, Iraq?” Lately, though, the word has been getting all different kinds of responses, mostly due to political unrest in a country of the same name.

If you’ve noticed something missing in your life in the last two weeks, I have to tell you, it’s been me. As an almost college graduate, I’ve had a lot of things to do over the past few weeks (worrying, reminiscing, drinking) which have precluded doing whatever it is I do here every Thursday. Thankfully I’ve been able to take a break from those things for a moment and check in over here. I have to say, though, my mind is still on graduating. As a young girl wise beyond her years, I feel like I should let other college graduates in on a little of the advice (my own) I’ll be following once I take off the cap and gown and enter the world of money and fame. Unfortunately, my crippling anxiety has kept me from making any friends over the past few years, so I have no outlet but this.

It’s getting harder and harder to be against gay marriage these days, isn’t it? More states are falling to acceptance each month — first Massachusetts, now Connecticut and Iowa, soon Vermont, Maine, possibly New York (thanks, wikipedia) — and those who oppose it seem only to be objects of ridicule. It seems the old stand-bys (sanctity of marriage, God stuff, inherent icky-ness) just aren’t drawing in the troops like they used to. It’s time to rethink the strategy, come up with a few new talking points. Because, really… gay marriage?

Words can change the world. My words, for example, have had a ripple effect that has altered the course of not only my readers’ lives, but the lives of everyone around them, and everyone around those people, and everyone around those people. On Tuesday, May 12th, the White House held a poetry jam to illustrate this idea. “We’re here to celebrate the power of words and music to help us appreciate beauty and also to understand pain,” announced President Obama at some point during the event. Of course this begs the question, could Obama be aided by the power of poetry in expressing his ideas and opinions? Short answer: Yes. Long answer… [Read more →]

When you’re a parent, life seems only to be an endless line of “how do I tell my kids about this” and “how do I make my kid’s life better” and “when is it all going to end.” With the recent outbreak of swine flu, I’m sure many of you out there are wondering how to answer some of your children’s important swine flu related questions, like “why are you wearing that mask” and “why can’t we go to Mexico anymore” and “how will daddy get his medicine.” I know it can be stressful, so I’ve put together a few tips on how to break the news and help keep your kids safe. [Read more →]

Yesterday was Earth Day. As a big Earth advocate I often mark days on my calendar under the heading “Earth” anyway, so when the 22nd of April came around I felt well-prepared. No big deal. Just another Earth Day like all the rest.

Having days like “Earth Day,” much like “Mother’s Day,” “Grandparents’ Day,” and “Black History Month,” is a great idea because it lets you know when and for how long you have to care about something. [Read more →]

Yesterday was tax day, guys, and everybody was complaining about how we have to pay for other people’s things and stuff. “Our taxes are too high,” they were probably saying. “I’m sick of paying all of these taxes!” And since my role in the system is solving common plights of the everyman, I got to thinking. [Read more →]