C'mon Hollywood #224

We’ve all had to come to terms with the “reign of remakes” that’s overthrown Hollywood, and though we’ve all bitched and moaned about one remake or another, most of us can’t honestly say we’re totally against them (myself included) for fear of being singled out as hypocrites. After all, we can’t say ALL remakes are horrible and then turn around and praise films like STAR TREK or THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. That said, nine out of ten remakes are nothing short of aborted pieces of filth that bring about a foul taste in the back of our mouths that just won’t go away. But now something else has happened, the remake virus has evolved and formed a new strand: Comic book reboots. Hollywood is now remaking/re-launching films and franchises that aren’t even five years old! This way of thinking does nothing but set directors and producers up to fail by not only condoning mediocrity, but encouraging it! It’s almost like they’re saying, “It’s ok if your movie sucks, because we can just remake it in a couple years anyway.” I don’t know about you, but that pisses the hell out of me.

"Does this make you MORE or LESS interested in FF?"

The proper thing to do at this point is bring up the original BATMAN and SUPERMAN films. These are two example of how to do this right. Besides, these films were from another time and weren’t as much remade as they were reinvented. The problem with the term “reinvented” is that once one person uses it, EVERYONE starts throwing it around, attaching it to their ideas and the world loses all its meaning. For example, after STAR TREK became a huge success, Neal Moritz comes out with “Just as they rebooted STAR TREK, we’re going to do the same thing with CLIFFHANGER.” First off, that’s easily one of the dumbest f*cking things I’ve ever heard, way to try and ride STAR TREK’s coattails dumbass. Now as for comic book remakes, first and foremost, we have THE FANTASTIC FOUR. But come on, the first one came out in 2005 and the second in 2007 for Christ sake! And the first (as comic book films go) wasn’t even that bad. The sequel was garbage, but rebooting the franchise!? Highly unnecessary.

"Why would you choose Nicolas Cage to play me, WHY!?"

Now I know I’m in the minority on this one, but I enjoyed DAREDEVIL (one of the very few worthwhile unrated/extended cuts). Affleck and Garner were supposed to do a sequel but backed out, now there are rumors galore about a remake, but in all honesty they could just as easily call it a sequel and be stricken from this list. Thomas Jane’s PUNISHER was also a good flick, the reboot, not so much. God only knows what’s going to happen with the SUPERMAN films, the best thing to do there is say a prayer and hope we get at least one more (I’d love to see Kevin Smith’s screenplay hit the big screen, though I know deep down it’ll never happen). GHOST RIDER is also quite a mess (it should never have been dummed-down to PG-13), and with Nic Cage still at the helm, I’ve all but lost faith in that franchise. X-MEN FIRST CLASS is another thorn in my ass, no matter how I try to envision it my “suckage” alarm is tripped every time. I’m not saying WOLVERINE was perfect, but it beats the idea of FIRST CLASS.

"It's gonna take something really special to rekindle our interest"

So what happens next, are they going to re-cast Blade and give his franchise another go around? Is Sony planning a SPIDER-MAN reboot? They’ve already advertised the fact that James Vanderbilt (ZODIAC, THE RUNDOWN, BASIC) is penning the scripts for both 5 and 6 which appears to have nothing to do with the current cast and director. And what about VENOM, could that be why Sony’s all “hush, hush” about this spinoff, could it maybe play a part in this rebooting of the franchise, as a VENOM movie would not be complete without SPIDER-MAN’s involvement on some level. There are so many different characters in the Marvel and DC rosters, so why focus on these few, remaking the shit out them, when we could have three or four new franchises by now (i.e. let’s focus on CAPTAIN AMERICA, THOR, GREEN LANTERN, VENOM, LOBO and drop X-MEN in favor of AVENGERS and JUSTICE LEAGUE).

"Is there a even a chance this can be good?"

What I’m trying to say here is that this “Everything will be fine, because we can just remake it later” slump is drowning Hollywood in sewage and the stink is getting unbearable. Not to mention how we, the fans, are watching our favorite heroes dragged through the mud, while various directors and producers struggle to get it right. My advice, spend a little more time at the drawing board, as half this shit needs to be pulled over by the script police and given two to the back of the head. I understand wanting to “keep a good thing going” but what happens when these “good things” go sour? The trailer for FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER was awesome, so were the many SPIDER-MAN 3 trailers. The films themselves were nowhere near what they could have been, and I’m sorry, but I have NO SYMPATHY for failed comic book films, as there’s just too damn much source material there to screw up (or at least one would think). Hollywood needs to slow down a bit, stop worrying about annual grosses, and raise the bar as far as their writers are concerned. I’d rather wait an extra year or two for something spectacular, instead of suffering through another half-assed installment or reboot.

Extra Tidbit:

I really wish Todd McFarlane would stop taking his sweet-ass time with SPAWN 2 (and I can't wait for the return of the animated series). At least he learned his lesson and is shooting for an R rated film this time, hopefully with Michael Jai White attached.