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Audiences

My lords, ladies, gentlemen and others

It appears that you are either intending to be an audience member in this ethereal little theatre, for at least one forthcoming performance, or you are here only for a tour.

If the latter is the case, you may merely intend to boast to your friends, subsequently, that you have been here.

Even if you are here for a performance, perhaps having attended a few earlier ones, please note that your experiences as an audience member are meant to improve your future conversational and leadership abilities.

During most performances here, however, you will be asked to remain silent, and to sit or stand still, depending upon your location. Attentiveness is very important when carefully observing what is happening.

In the 21st century, most people find it difficult to observe anything carefully. There are too many distractions. Minds wander. The volume rises. The lights flash. The fireworks explode.

There is plenty of sensation and very little perceptiveness in much entertainment elsewhere, just as there are plenty of opinions offered in the world but little rationale.

In this little theatre, only persons supplying enlightened forms of patronage are permitted to attend the private, exclusive performances. Only they are permitted to participate in the private tours.

Patrons are persons of perceptiveness. They seek explanations rather than salient sensations. They want to make sense of situations at a deeper level than is usual for most people.

If you are intending to become one of the remarkably well-informed patrons here, will you sit attentively in a beautiful box? Will you stand serenely in the impressive stands? Will you sprawl expressively in the adaptable stalls? Will you show gracious empathy from an astonishing balcony? Will you perch appropriately amongst the gods?

In anticipation of sprezzatura performances, audience members are encouraged to become acquainted with all associated subjects. There is no excuse for ignoring the necessity to be well prepared, understatedly attentive and a true servant of art and enlightenment.

Even for public performances, at least half of our usual audience members are amateur
musicians, singers, writers and actors, or they once were. At least twenty percent of the
rest consider themselves to be arts professionals, though most other persons would consider the majority of those individuals to be amateurs, or excessively lucky.

Most of the
remainder of the audience are either business people or politicians or professionals, or
relatively affluent, and relatively healthy, retirees. Half a dozen or so bewildered additional
individuals may only be here as a consequence of acquiring their
tickets as gifts.

Even the most well-informed audience member is likely to be overwhelmed here. The relatively ignorant ones, therefore, should proceed with extreme caution.

On the public tour, all sorts of persons wander through here, very few of whom are appropriately attired. They usually look like typical, bedraggled tourists in their ill-fitting leisure wear.

For all performances and presentations, whether inclusive or exclusive, audience members are encouraged to dress their best. Many do so formally, in white tie and opera hat or a diamond tiara, a suitably understated evening gown, a beautifully embroidered shawl, elegant opera gloves, properly polished footwear and properly polished speech and manners. They may occasionally be costumed in keeping with the theme presented, or they may prefer to dress simply and unobtrusively.

The front of house staff are distinctively attired, regardless of gender. They have a nose for trouble and will sniff it out very quickly indeed.

Persons perceived to have impertinently perfumed themselves, thereby choking or otherwise suffocating half the occupants of the auditorium,
will be asked to remove themselves from the venue forthwith. Good
breathing is a necessary occupation here.

The front of house staff also have an ear for trouble. This is particularly useful whenever the sound engineer on duty appears to be going deaf.

The ushering assistants often have an eye for trouble, too, particularly if any audience members have decided to dress similarly to themselves.

You appear to be wearing a rust belt.
Do you believe it to be the latest, exclusive fashion or something you
borrowed merely to keep your somewhat scruffy clothing in place? Are
you dressed like a pauper for any particular reason?

Throughout Villa Twaklinilkawt, house management is a highly serious activity. Before applying for paid positions, all front of house staff, in any area of the villa, and throughout its grounds, have been required to complete rigorous training in etiquette, hospitality, security, history, diplomacy and first aid. This is meant to reassure audience members, and especially our patrons.

During the intervals in the public performances, there is a considerable rush for the free and cheap refreshments. Please queue here.

There is little rush at all for the better quality hospitality. Only a few patrons can afford that. Please show your VIPticket at the Neon-Lobby-Ruledoor.

Now, we have a lovely subscription service for anyone either able to afford it or able to obtain a loan for it. We also have a sparkling range of exclusive and prestigious VIP packages for our donors, patrons, benefactors and trustees. Do you already possess something you are able to re-mortgage?

The open access policies of Villa Twaklinilkawt have been remarkably generous for much of the past decade. The purpose of that openness has mainly been to assist scholarly research into artistic inspiration in the context of legitimate, democratic governance. This is particularly the case in relation to scientific evidence of the relationship between the production of art and political legitimacy.

You may already have noticed that corporate sponsorship is not associated with our performances and presentations though a little advertising provides suitable recompense for the musicians and support staff involved in the provision of philanthropic, free events.

In this auditorium, few visitors are likely to be aware of what happens behind the scenes. They are also unaware of how this theatre is mainly funded, until that matter is urgently brought to their attention.

That urgency is occasionally evident once the lights go down. In such instances, whilst sitting on the dark for longer than expected, with no sign of action on the stage, many audience members are likely to look longingly at the EXIT signs.

The signs of this theatre are then likely to flash. Although they may briefly become EXIST signs, as elsewhere in Villa Twaklinilkawt, the words PAY and ATTENTION are then likely to flash alternately.

Beautiful images of art are then likely to be projected onto the screen while holograms of ballerinas and angels float down from the screen, towards the proscenium art of the world stage. They disappear as the curtains open, to be replaced by a projected backdrop of various historical artworks of theatrical performances.

Do you have any identification documents, credit cards and
influential friends with you? These will be required before each use of the
specially hired, utilitarian lavatorial facilities.

The cost of entry to those is equivalent to the usual ticket prices for the private theatrical performances. There are discounts for booking in advance. There are additional charges for pre-use cleaning.

Please note that if you miss your time slot, you will be forced to join the back of the queue, or pay extra for an upgrade.

The lavatories in the foyer are for registered patrons only.

Please do not bring any food items or liquids into the auditorium. These will be confiscated. No-one wants to smell your boiled lozenges whilst listening to a sublime aria.

Neither should items indicating other bad habits be brought here, even if not directly related to the dentistry profession. The smell of tobacco and alcohol are banned in the auditorium just as much as their consumption. We must all set a good example to the performers.

As previously mentioned, strong perfumes, and any other unnecessary scents are banned, as are unacceptable standards of personal hygiene.

Talking, whispering, singing, squealing, shouting, singing, kissing, tapping the toes, dancing and percussive uses of the hands and/or mouth are not appropriate for audience members, unless invited onto one or more of the stages.

Even applause is not permitted here. Hitting one's hands together loudly is a most unseemly activity.

Silent appreciation is all that is required. Do you have adequate self-discipline?

If you consider yourself to be a critic, please ensure you have a proper, prior understanding of artistic integrity. Most self-described critics cause a great deal of annoyance by making ill-informed comments through various forms of media.

The inclusive access gained here by critics, and other ordinary members of the public, is often somewhat overwhelming for such individuals. Is that not the whole purpose of theatre?

Remove your hat and undo your large hairstyle well before the performance begins. Tall persons will be expected to lower their seats, in accordance with the instructions supplied.

Audiences can often be fickle, regardless of their predominant gender.

And some audience members have very poor taste. They may even mistake this theatre for a cinema, or even their own personal television set or channel or programme. They tend to be the same sorts of individuals who mistake essential farmland and conservation areas for golf courses.

On more exclusive occasions, crowd control is only necessary to keep out ineligible persons, unruly offspring, pets and other potential pests.

The language used here is mainly one or more varieties of English. Translations are occasionally supplied for non-native speakers of particular accents and dialects.

Foreign languages are only used here for artistic purposes, most usually with a translation supplied. Please note that the translations presented are also likely to contain elements of artistic licence.

Whether you are here mainly on a tour or in anticipation of being in the audience, what are your expectations of this venue?

Are you seeking to be here for a gig or a jig or something more refined?

As you may have noticed, the world stage here is the proscenium sort. That is due to the fact that most audience members seem to prefer viewing the world through a fixed perspective, most usually involving some sort of screen and rather large amounts of dramatic antagonism.

Please note that the technical and administrative staff and contractors here are not permitted to display their ambitions as stage performers during their normal working hours, and certainly not during the presence of audience members, tour groups or rehearsals. They may perform during auditions, especially if the standard of performance of the other persons in attendance is lower than anticipated.

The volunteers associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt are currently training for a wide range of duties, whether learning the technicalities of the fly system or the proper usage of a fly swat.

Unlike most theatres and other performance venues, and the actions associated with them, this one has a relatively low carbon footprint. No-one is expected to use much physical exertion or fossil fuel or nuclear energy to be here. The mental exertions, however, can be considerable for the unprepared.

Unless you are here expecting a lecture here, please do not take notes or make any other form of recording. As well as a considerably competent stage crew, we have a fully professional legal team. Are you familiar with the boundaries of this intellectual property?

Villa Twaklinilkawt is, of course, a location in which the harmonious interplay of beauty, understanding and magnificence can be sublimely supplied in all seriousness. Yet enlightenment also requires humour in appropriate doses in order to prevent dullness, moroseness and abusiveness.

The interpretative aspects of the performances here are the responsibility of audience members themselves. Irresponsible audience members will be removed by the very large security guards on duty.

You may be aware that inclusive theatrical occasions, sporting venues and public transportation systems have much in common, as do public libraries, parliaments, public hospitals and public schools. Yet there are people who prefer to avoid such places. They do not enjoy being in crowds.

Everyone is an actor. All education and training is mimicry. Most forms of playfulness use memory and imagination. And playfulness may or may not involve a plot.

But not everyone wants to be an overt performer, or to participate in public events in self-conscious discomfort. It is their right to be themeselves. They are likely to have other talents.

Do you prefer to attend fringe theatre acts or traditional performances? Do you prefer juried or unjuried events? Has your pride, or self-delusion, ever been injured in a competitive situation?

Anything involving paying audiences is indirectly juried. The word-of-mouth recommendations of audience members may have brought you here. Such opinions are often used in assessing whether an event is worthwhile for other people to experience.

Yet each performance and presentation here is unique. Nothing here is ever repeated, except with variations.

What are you usually expectations of your fellow audience members and what are their expectations of you?

When do you prefer daytime events and when do you prefer evening events?

When do you prefer indoor events and when do you prefer outdoor events?

When do you prefer to be a passive participant and when do you prefer to be an active one?

When do you prefer to dress casually and when do you prefer to be costumed splendidly?

As well as the world stage, there is the theatre in the round. The latter is likely to pop up unexpectedly. There are also smaller spaces in Villa Twaklinilkawt for recitals and other purposes. There are also several pavilions in the grounds, of course, as well as a lovely bandstand.

Sometimes, you may just want to fit in and go with the crowd. At other times you may prefer to be different, and even to stand out, and perhaps intend to steal the show.

Is art usually meant to involve the audience in making a wide range of comparisons?

All audience members have antecedent experiences to draw upon whilst attending events.

For a sprezzatura performance, all participants are expected to display a relaxed confidence and a believable level of competence, regardless of how they may truly be feeling. This equally applies to audience members.

How do you usually pretend to feel other than you actually do, and why do you do it?

There is much hostility and rage in the world, much of it poisoned by the evil of revenge. It is even misguidedly validated through entertainment and the arts, especially through the media, thereby reinforcing prejudices. Poor taste and immorality are often encouraged through the media if there is money to be made from them.

How often have you performed in a leading role the Social Media Show and when have you only acted as an ordinary audience member in it?

True art never causes harm. It audience members experience desire or envy or greed or lust as a consequence of it, that is not the fault of art. How audience members feel in relation to art is part of themselves.

It is not the place of art to provoke an emotion. Its purpose is to stimulate thoughts about why particular emotions are felt by a particular person at a particular moment. Emotions stimulate decisions and opinions.