Notes From The Corridors Of Power | The ‘Badget’ Edition

After a long hiatus, we’ve got intel coming in from the Powers that be…

WRECKING – Kampala, Uganda. National Budget about to be announced in a move that will likely see more Ugandans not give a shit. Details follow.

There shall be no new tax levied on beer. The world still thinks that Ugandans are unhappy, so we as the Ministry Of Finance are doing all we can to repel that myth. We shall continue to support the breweries and the burgeoning ‘sachet’ industry. We are actively looking into offering short-term loans to anyone that shows some knowledge of packaging jet fuel into little buveera with the aim of engaging in abusive congress with the kidney.

There may or may not be a tax imposed on sugar. This very largely depends on whether prostitutes will emerge from the shadows of mediocrity and start enticing their customers with words that are literally ‘sweet nothings’. If they maintain their current stand where all they are equipped with are footballers’ names and the word ‘kasitoma’, this tax shall fail.

In contrast, if they embrace words such as ‘sweetie’ and attempt to make nice with phrases such as “nnuna ko ku sweetie yange” or perhaps, “mpako ku lollipop”, we anticipate with great excitement there shall be a certain amount of ‘growth’.

We are still trying to figure out what to do with the Petrol tax. We appreciate that if it is increased, we are essentially aligning ourselves with the proponents of the Walk To Work Movement and yet everyone knows that we are for the Movement that appears to be still and generally not going anywhere.

On the other hand, if we don’t increase the tax on Petroleum, our children shall not be able to study in outside countries when we demolish their schools under the guise of development.

Speaking of which, Shimoni really was supposed to be developed into a mall. Think about it, the transition would have been seamless; school children can hang around malls with no problem. They cannot, however, be at a hotel without being accompanied by a paying adult.

We shall continue looking into how we can play with the petrol thing without fueling unrest.

We are in talks with makers/bottlers of soft drinks on how best to alleviate the issues affecting them. Ordinarily we’d turn a blind eye and continue making you pay through your noses for your mixers, but it is not doing us any favors if the world continues to say we are all sharing one Coke with many millions across the continent.

F*cked

Fiction

Pepsi may be exempted from this proposed tax exemption, but something so badly needs to be done about Coca-Cola. Everybody deserves to enjoy a Coke. And it’s better if this Coke is their’s and not someone else’s.

Which brings us to…

The sexual network keeps on thriving as evidenced from the growing number of members receiving inappropriate calls from the ghost of Louis Armstrong. To that end, we believe that by levying a tax on condoms, we shall dissuade people from participating in away matches. It is our firm belief that if it gets to a point that you have to pay extra on top of buying Chips & Credit, you will see the light and stay home with palm.

We have had consultations with our colleagues in the Ministry of Health and have discovered that cheaters generally prefer the cheaper condoms for away matches and like to shower their official partners with high maintenance ribbed, studded, flavoured, glow in the dark, musical caller-tune spewing, tap dancing search engine condoms in an attempt to show that they are not siphoning funds into someone else.

A tax is going to be introduced to combat the local-ness sector. The past financial year alone has seen a growth in this industry with practitioners going on to cause chaos in nightclubs and others going as far as starring in reality TV shows inspired by their inability to make sensible decisions. This shall not go on.

We have paid dearly for accommodating Zari and Bad Black {though, in all fairness, the latter has also been paid dearly for accommodating others} and this must stop. Anyone that invests in his or her looks (or creates the illusion that they have) and does not take the time to invest in vocabulary or class shall pay.

Anyone that goes on to use ‘repeat phraseology’ in an attempt to look cute shall also suffer for it. We shall impose charges on words so as to deter the use of expressions such as, but not limited to; “there-there”, “ish-ish”, “so-so”, “as-if – as-if” etc. The word ‘ha-ha’ has crept into the corridors of power and shall thus be pardoned for now.

We have heard your cries and starting this year, we shall levy a tax on hangovers that overstay their welcome. We appreciate the contribution that they bring to all and sundry {ie your 12 year old}, however, we have noted with growing concern that some of them do not know when to go away, lingering about like a color clashing lady with limited vocabulary does around a white man.

Or a black (Ugandan) man with an R. Kelly-esque accent does around white women…and/or white men.

Regrettably, we are not just reintroducing the tax on computers, but are also going to levy a tax on facebook & Twitter users. We imposed a tax on airtime after we realized that a large chunk of the conversations being held involved prying into people’s geographical locations and the word ‘just’ was being thrown about recklessly.

In the wake of all this, people have taken to social networks to say things like “LOL, LMAO, LMBAOPKW {Laughing My Bloody Ass Off Paka Kini Walahi}. This is not just annoying; it’s waste of valuable Internet bandwidth and computer keys. Anyone that feels the need to comment on a picture shall be taxed if all they are going to say is “lookin’ good babes” or “well done”. The use of the word ‘sexy’ when all someone is doing is smiling while holding a flower shall incur one a fine.

Members of the opposition shall also be taxed slightly higher than they have been in recent years. This is not to deter them from their activities, but the general public needs to see that they are in fact making a contribution of some sort to the economy. It may not look like it at the moment, but this works out well for them in the long run. Especially if in the middle of the President’s speech to Parliament they start heckling the Commander-In-Chief.

If they adhere to this new Opposition Tax, they shall have every right to say, “Shya, what will you do? I paid for that convoy you’re maxing in.” Also, if they are recognized as taxpayers, they shall have every right to turn up at any and all First Family baptism ceremonies. They are, however, barred from uttering the words, “I sponsored her delivery in outside countries.” If these words or close relatives of the same are uttered, you best believe some shit’s gonna go down.