Saturday, December 30, 2006

My FAV game in the world is crazy scrabble. Crazy Scrabble being a game where you have to make up words, and convince the other players of its meaning. Its fun. I'm basically writing my own dictionary - because there are some things in life that just don't have proper words to decribe them yet.

Here are the highlights of tonights game. I reckon they will be part of common lexicon in about 56 years.

DJ Mean - when you go to a party and really shitty music is playing that makes you throw up and leave as soon as you entered.Bagot - Someone who constantly bags out people. Get a life bagot.Lorlha - "pulling a lorlha" being someone fuck buddy, then pretending you dont know them in social situations and showing off.Savo - chick who has sex without condoms. all the time.Sexnoh - someone who doesnt do anal. ever.Fitract - Exercising yourself to deathNiarelei - Alternate Universe People at the Gym (skelly, the nemisis from the weights room, mini raeshell)Tupen - when you proposition for anal sex and get denied "he got Tupened"Reeslof - cheapskate present givers who expect good gifts for themselvesGrepz - people who live in darknessAiAi - what you say when someone Tupens you. "hell no, I aint doin anal"Deuw - really really foul smell. potent exhaust smell. un-naturally smelly.Diksyg - worst ever dick disease you can get. it falls off.Crumea - worst ever vagina disease. completely pusses up and swells shut for life.Oldfyboa - old skanky ho who dresses 16.Watit - 2nd glance at what may have been boob.Grovit - horny and drunk and begging for sexJamndptln - When you jam along to a song, but dont really know how it goes.Blurwa - when you cant remember anything from the night beforeGywiieg - constantly being woken up by a screaming child.Rahtal - the lowest rank in a maximum security prison. Untouchable's (sex fiends)Qaobyte - a ridiculous amount of computer memory storage. hasnt even been invented yet.Rectud - giving into anal sex. branded as the anal lover.Munolite - someone who lives in a cave house in the dark all day. Their eyes hurt when they go in the sun.Gasieo - uncontrollable smelly gas from Protein ShakesHaxpufed - acting like a jerk and being (unknowingly) removed from 'the group'Kifo - a person (gang) that hangs at Tuggerah Westfield (Tuggies Westies)Deskag - going to work really hung over and vomitingAinis - Rival gang to the Kifo's. Hang at Kangy Angy BridgeArenhijd - Something uncomfortable stuck in your teeth.Emteestv - starvation after the gym. About to pass out or gnaw your arm off.Grovitrogasioe - stinky horny person. will die a virgin.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It's not often that I will lie awake absolutely infuriated about Christmas. But this eve I did so. The saying goes "tis better to give than to recieve".. I don't think the person who said that gave a beautifully framed personalised drawing of your child (read: thoughtful and expensive) and in return recieved some Body Shop shit, that the mother gets for free at her job.

I'm not a materialistic slapper. I would rather get nothing than a bunch of crap that tomorrow we are seriously going to hock, and buy a hockeystick so we can smash all the crap that we can't hock...

I think the two 'Hip Hop Pets' that are suitable for a 5 year old, will smash nicely when they go sailing off Georgina's balcony. (Did mark and I each need one?? or were you just in a hurry as you were running thru K-Mart buying DVD players and iPods for people who matter (read: pregnant) and grabbed the first plastic piece of shit that caught your eyeline for us??)

The "Candy Grabbing Machine" that we received will hopefully smash really nice when we beat the shit out of it with our new hockey stick, OR we can throw it in front of a semi-trailer on Military Rd. WTF kind of present is that?? Do people think that Mark and I are really 8 years old? Do they not realise that we rent an apartment and pay bills, and have no fucking need for a Candy Grabbing Machine!!

We even went so far as to try and make a Christmas Miracle occur. Buy wishing really hard that the Fondue Set was actually a Ninetendo Wii... hopefully when we get up in the morning, a Wii has appeared in the box, rather than a Fondue set I will never use. I should really stop saying that I like things in polite conversation, because clearly I will pay the price 10 months later. Fuck Fondue.

Anything that we can't beat the shit out of with the Hockey Stick, or Smash by throwing it into traffic and off Balconys, we are taking to the beach to burn. This includes all the Kmart Pyjamas, the Book that sucks balls, and the Duty Free perfume that makes my eyes water.

Thanks for NOTHING people.

Next year you're all getting 'A Donation Has Been Made In Your Name' Cards. Please return the favor by ignoring us, and getting us nothing. There aren't enough landfills in the world for the crap that you buy us, and the environment hates you for it.

Monday, December 25, 2006

On the stupid day of Christmas, someone in Marks family gave to me..A bodyshop pack that she probably got for free.

On the stupid day of Christmas, someone in Marks family gave to me ..Two stupid robots, a candy grabbing machine for a 10 year old, and some perfume that smells like old lady - (that you brought last year in Duty Free on your trip to Fiji)

On the stupid day of Christmas, someone in Mark's family gave to me..A milkshake making machine, some hideous cheap earrings, a nivea pack from woolworths, a second-hand dusty fondue-set, and book that I will never read.

Aghhh Christmas... next year everyone is getting a Best-Of-Stroggles CD.

Now where is the nearest Orphanage for me to drop off every single thing they gave me?? That is, if the Orphans even want any of this shit.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

HAPPY PLANTThe heartwarming story of a plant left to die in the communal hallway, limp, thirsty, and alone. Who is rescued by a sexy couple and comes back to life in the kitchen it never knew existed.

Seriously, if you are going to leave a plant in the communal hallway - maybe you should consider watering it?? So now, I not only steal mail and christmas decorations from my neighbours, I also steal flora.

The last thing I want to see when I walk up the stairs is a dying plant outside my door. How depressing is that? So I did the only thing I could do. I rescued it.

I should open a hostel for unloved plants. The House With No Birds. Donations are welcome, mainly dirt and water is needed for dying plants of the future.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

TITANIC The Musical is closing early. I saw it and I'm not really surprised. Even though the cast were killer and had amazing voices, the musical was just ...flat.. too much singing, too much walking around, crappy set, and the theatre was shit.

I think they need to make some revisions.

So, John Diedrich, If you open it up again for an inter-state tour, I think these ideas should be put into motion.

Not Enough Jews - If you want a Musical to go well, in the second act, all the Jews need to be chased off into the wilderness. This worked for Caberet, Fiddler on the Roof, and Sound of Music. Evil Germans and WWII themes. You can't go wrong. Maybe even call the ship 'The Jewtanic'

Song Revision - Yeah the music was good, but if I can't sing along, i'm really not enjoying myself to full potential. I think next time they should try out these hits:

"Oops.. I hit the Iceberg Again" (Britney Spears) - Sung by the Captain"Ice Ice Baby" (Vanilla Ice) - Sung by the guy in the Crows Nest who sees the Iceberg"Cold as Ice" (Foreigner) - Sung by the passengers in the water"An Icicle Like You" (Dandy Warhols) - Sung by passengers in the liferafts"Smells like Iceberg" (Nirvana) – Sung by Mr Ismay"Alive" (Pearl Jam) – Sung by the Survivors on the Carpathia

Monday, December 18, 2006

I think blogging is the closest thing you can have these days to 'Pen-Friends'. The concept of the pen-friend intrigued me as a kid. Especially hearing stories about people who were pen-friends for 20 years then got married, and the bonds of sisterhood being tied forever like in that movie Beaches.

When I was in year 7 (i think), we had this pen-friend program, and you were supposed to pick a random and start writing to them. I wrote about 3 letters, but what are you supposed to write about? you hardly have similar interests or stories you can talk about.

I stopped writing to her because she sent me her photo..... "hairy". I couldn't go on after that, not only did we have nothing in common, but she was in desperate need of about 8 liters of NAIR. I couldn't face the possibility of her wanting to visit me in 20 years time and me having to explain to people why i have a gorilla living with me.

I used to be so superficial. Thank god i've matured. Thank god for the exuberance of The Brazillian Wax.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Everybody has crazy shit they have to deal with at work. Having to work with complete randoms with their obsessive nuances can be quite amusing - especially in a small office, like mine.

Rationing of Milk - milk, is a luxury item, that gets rationed out, barely. You are allowed maybe 2 drops per cup of tea, and no more than one cup of tea a day. Give me a break. It would be worth getting sprogged up just so I could shoot breastmilk into my beverages and not have to worry about the rationing. POW's had it better than this. One of those tiny square boxes you could drink in 1 gulp has to last a week. I am not joking.

The Nectarine Debacle - Today I got told off for eating nectarines at my desk because it 'spoils the look of the place'.... whatevs... what do you suggest I do then?

The working world accepts the ciggie break, I am going to petition for 'The Nectarine Break'... Or perhaps I should say that I have low-blood sugar and that without an hourly nectarine hit, I could pass out and do they really want my death on their hands?

The 'Balcony' - somehow the fogies have deluded themselves that the fire-escape is a tuscan balcony. Just because you have some terracotta pots with some dying plants does not a balcony make. I refuse to sit out there and eat spaghetti off my knees.

So yeah small business.. wooooo. Not. I really hope the next place I work has a microwave. that is all I ask.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I loathe The Body Shop. it is the most Over.Rated Shop in existance. Every Christmas I recieve a christmas pack from someone, i'm not ungrateful, i love the generosity that people exude over the Christmas period. I just wish they wouldnt shop at the whoring theiving production lined bullshit Body Shop.

For a shop that prides itself on its "cruelty free" products, and overall Environmentally sound mission statement - they sure do over-use the packing and wrapping aspect of their shit.

Do you really need a Box, a pile of wispy hay-like material, plastic, and some ribbons for a handcream and a nail file!!??? Overkill.

How many trees died for that? how many animals got caught in the plastic and died? How many rainforests were destroyed for the gross national product? Maybe I am over-reacting a little, but its excessive and pointless - considering how cheap and mass-produced their line of products are.

They should just rename themself - 'Hypocrites r Us' you're not fooling anybody that your products are good, we're all just overwhelmed by the amount of glitzy packing you use to trick people. Die Body Shop Die.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

iPods these days are too small, why do they need to be so small?? why does everything need to get small in order to be technogically advanced?

I like my TV's big, my Stereo's massive, and my iPods able to fit in my hand. I have the video one, which is kinda pointless, as you need a magnifying glass to watch anything. Palm Pilots suck too. I would lose that little pen thing in about 2 seconds.

Anyway - seen as how they insist on making teeny tiny music players I suggest this: The tam-Pod

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I like getting mail. Cards and Presents are my favourite, as well as mail I can steal from the previous tennants in my flat.

I received interesting work mail today:

So i'm the Administration Manager eh?? First i've heard of it. What does that mean exactly? Should I ask for a raise?? having 'manager' in my title looks as though I should be getting some perks. If not a carpark, or an assistant, but maybe my own range of stationary with RB - THE MANAGER on them?? I like pens.

That's goin straight to the Pool Room. (moreso because my job has nothing to do with administration, I dont think. I dont even know what administration is?? unless it means being able to pick the gunk out of the mouse with a paperclip??)

I don't understand the Trendy-Pickle-Haters. What's with all the hating? It's Pickelist, and I won't stand for it. Unless you are a genuine pickle hater, in which case I implore you to write to the headquarters of Maccas for the Pickle-Free Cheeseburger.. Why not?? they have every other combination on the board.

Side Note: The Trendy-Pickle-Haters is a sick name for a band. Observe:

I have some bizzare christmas traditions, ones that have been ingrained in me since birth, and some new ones that have crested the surface in the past couple of years.

The Christmas Special.TV these days sucks balls. Where are the Christmas Specials? and not boring religious christmas specials, Muppets Christmas!??! My favourite christmas special is 'A Charlie Browne's Christmas'.... which co-incidentally is on the same tape after the Rocky Horror Picture Show... So christmas for me isnt the same without a little "I see you shiver with antici........... pation"The Santa-Sex-HatHo Ho Ho. Sexual. Merry Sexmas, Indeed.

Other strange traditions are: eating Rice-A-Riso, Avoiding as many family members as possible, going to the movies on Boxing Day (not nearly as exciting since the Lord of the Rings trilogy stopped playing), bagging out and dropping off crap presents at Vinnies.

I'm sure when I have kids, my christmas traditions will change, and become more festive, and less grinchy. Cept Rocky Horror. You can't take that away from me.

This "blog" shits me to tears, it says nothing, its written by a man who clearly makes love to his hand all day and night, and probably has to type with a pencil in his teeth because he is too busy wanking himself and patting himself on the back.

Overall - what is the point of a blog award? oooh thanks for the congratulatory masterbatory icon I can stick on my blog, will that make me more popular?

Its like competing in the special olympics. even if you win, you are still retarded.

Are there gift bags? and award statues? and is there even a ceremony? No? then count me out. I don't need an email to tell me how awesome I am. Nor any nerds justifying and judging my writing.

The only award I want is "most improved at Netball", and seen as how I haven't played that in about 15 years, my chances are pretty fucking slim. But I still have hope.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I generally think that giving Christmas presents is stupid. It's a chore, you have to think up something sweet, it can't be too cheap, it has to be something useful, it has to fit their taste.. overall TOO HARD.

Christmas Presents should just be for kids. And if you need to buy gifts for adults - they should be silly things, like an Apron with boobs on it or something.

Here is a list of things I do not want for Christmas.

Baggy underpants many sizes too big. Not only am I not a size 16, the fact that you thought they might fit me is insulting

A plastic soap-holder

Anything from The Body Shop

A set of Coffee Cups

A coffee machine

Any machine that does things that I could get a professional to do. ie: a juicer machine, a grilling machine, an ice-cube machine, a sushi making machine. They are big and cluttery and I will never use them, specially when i can go to the shops and buy a juice for $4 or go to Sushi Train.

Sparkly tops from K-Mart.

Gigantic Earrings that give me droopy ear-lobes

Useful Kitchen Items - like a chopping board, or pizza tray. Boring.

Cheap sets of make-up or nail polish that come in a huge box that should really be for an eight year old.

Books about Astrology

Cookie Jars that Rap when you open them

A seasonal thermometre

Sexy Pyjamas that ride up my crotch

$2 shop thongs

I don't need or want anything. But if you had to, you can't go wrong with Knives, or 'A Donation has been made in Your Name' Card.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I am dealing with a load of grief at the moment. My favourite thai-take away joint is closing. *SOB*. 3 Times Thai is my regular feed on a Tuesday, and sometimes Thursday, depending on how lazy i'm feeling.

I jet in there direct from the gym, stinking it up and they love it! I am guaranteed a special treat everytime, free entrees in the form of Money Bags, Dim Sims, Curry Puffs... but the dream is ending.... And I am sad.

So as a homage to 3 Times Thai - here is song I have written for you *to the tune of American Pie*

A long, long time ago...I can still rememberHow pad thai used to make me smile.And I knew when I finish the gymThat I could get a cheap dim-simAnd, maybe, I’d be happy for a while.But december brought me bad newsand ever since I’ve had the bluesNo more listening to Kenny GNo more free entrée’s for me.

I can’t remember if I criedWhen I heard about the shops demiseBut something touched me deep insideThe day the 3 times thai diedSo bye-bye, 3 times thaiyou made the best mee kroband I’ve read your issue of Cleo 14 timesAnd everybody thinks you make the best pad-thaisinging ‘goodbye 3 Times Thai’"Goodbye 3 Times Thai"Parody writing is my calling. I wonder if Weird Al Yankovich needs an apprentice??

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I was having a think as to what defines a one-night-stand, wheather it means sleeping with a stranger, or just sleeping with someone once.. this is what I came up with, and some others.One-Night-Stand: Someone who you didn't think you would be sleeping with, when you woke up that morning.

One-Time-Repeat: Someone you have sex with once, then you bump into them again and bang one more time.

Asshole-Sex: A guy you go out with who bangs you once then dumps you.

Pouch-Sex: When you don't actually open up properly and they just have sex with your flaps, or leg.

Beer-Dick-Sex: Sex that never ends

Bro-Sex: Sleeping with brothers (not necessarily at the same time, as that is kinda incestruous and gross)

The Un-Knowing Fuck-Buddy: He thinks you're his girlfriend, and introduces you to his mother, wheres all you wanted was sex. But he buys eggs for you for in the morning, so he can be forgiven for being an idiot.

Oops-Anal: When it 'accidentally' goes in.

Dream-Shame-Sex: When you dream that you're sexing someone, then you see them and can't look them in the eye.

Disappointing-Exotic-Sex: When you go on a holiday and think you'll be doing it under a waterfall the whole time, but probably only have sex once, in bed, in the missionary position.

Klepto-Sex: Where you sleep with a guy and steal something as a souvenier

Slip-n-Slide Sex: Where its 40 degrees, and you've put on too much lube and you keep sliding off each other due to the sweat and lube factor.

This year has been quite temultuous. And after going over my varying degree's of naughty and niceness, I feel at the very least I deserve a block of cheese, or some Tiffany earrings.

Charitable Things I have done this year:

Christenings: At least 3. I have spent many hours in churches being god-loving, and singing hymns about the Lamb of God.. this should give me some credit, especially the ones I went to where I was told I was going to hell because I havent been baptised, but did I punch the smarmy cunt of a priest in the face?? No I did not.

Weddings: Too many. I sat, I prayed, I gave gifts, I gave thanks, I blessed them, I hugged them. And not once did I walk out when the crazy religious sect said that the women need to 'submit' to their husbands. Yeah go the anal rape. Not..

Good Deeds: Loads. Whilst its hard to go into specifics, I am pretty sure I did my part for the environment, and my fellow man, by not going postal and stabbing them in head and dumping their bodies in the ocean.

The only bad things I have done are the usual, abuse of my body, abuse of my mind, making racist jokes, making fun of the elderly, and forgetting to take out the recycling on occasion.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I am sick to death of hearing about idiotic P-Platers killing themselves, killing passengers, killing other drivers, and killing pedestrians.

I only just started driving on my L's, and I drive at about 40km, with my knuckles in a death grip, about 2 cm away from the windscreen. total nerd-burger.

Perhaps that sort of innate fear of killing people comes from being 26 ?? when I was 16 I was extremely arrogant and thought I was the shit, and totally invincible.

The Politicans and Road Police can yabber on about ways to police stupid P-Platers, but I personally don't want to have a night-time curfew - why should I be punished because some hooligans think they are in Tokyo Drift every saturday night?

My solution is this. A car manufacturer builds a specific hybrid of car that can't go any faster than 80km's. And all P-Platers have to drive these cars, they could sell them for $2000, and you get a rebate of $1000 when you're P's are up and you sell it back - or pass it onto another P-Plater.

I don't need a swishy car to drive. I would be happy with a box standard 'safety car' - even if its as Nerd as they come.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sport - I don't get it... never have. Ball goes up, Ball goes down... all that running around, up and down, they never go anywhere, nothing is resolved, and they do the whole thing again the next weekend. The most banal sport in the universe being Cricket (is it a coincidence that it rhymes with Wicket?) Rugby also being mind-numbingly boring. An hour of watching sport takes about 4 years.

Playstations n Stuff - The only game I can play is Super Mario Brothers, and even then I have trouble getting past the Goomba's, and saving the Princess - who is always in another freakin castle. I am totally lost when it comes to games these days.. especially the 3D aspects of going 'into' the game.. ?? the Nintedo Wii?? what the hell is that?? give me Alex Kidd any day.

Boobies - ok, maybe I can understand this obsession, but a good pair of honkers can not only stop traffic, it can tear apart families, raise the stockmarket, and keep a man up all night. Me, I can take it or leave it.. but then again I have round-the-clock access.

Driving Dangerously - the relation to how fast you drive, doesn't directly relate to how attractive you appear to a woman?? its not like our clitoris' are attached to the accelerator. Slow down.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The first high-school I went to (year 7 - 10) was a Catholic Girls School. The only thing that matters at a girls school is how big your boobs are and if you have a boyfriend.

Today I attended a mini reunion, and I couldn't have been more invisible, had I worn an invisibility cape.

All conversation revolved around marriage, and more importantly babies. And how many babies you've had, and the girls that weren't in attendence, how many babies they've had. Caesareans, Shaved Vaginas, Back-Pain, Babies stomping on your bladder in the womb, how to know if your baby is in pain or hungry when its crying.

whatever.

Mark's mum should have come along in my place.

At least these days I have a killer rack and a boyfriend, much improvment on my awkward teen years.

Yawn. I would have thought ten years on, we'd have something of relevance to discuss. I was wrong.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Fuck Astrology.Wanted: Muse.My new lipgloss kicks ass.November was a fucked month.I have $18 in my wallet to last till wednesday.My new hairspray is shit.I've been depressed for a week.It's never good news, it's always Rejection.I've stopped being photogenic.One arm got sunburnt yesterday.I need a new book to read.I need a new favourite song.Fake tan looks fake on me.I have too many secrets.I can never smell the perfume i'm wearing.I feel like i'm waiting for something to happen.I have more enemies than friends.My computer is being a fucktard today.I think I have a lot of residual bad-karma debt from a past life.But i'm not a hippy.I hate beer.I peel stickers off fruit and stick them around my desk.Why do they even need stickers?I can't remember any jokes.