Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Knit Your Own Space Helmet

How sad that, during the sixties, the Soyuz program required its Cosmonettes to knit their own helmet liners:

I can't imagine this was ever comfortable or warm: just look at where the wool touches. Under the chin -- wear a sweater turtleneck, you can at least pull it away or wear something underneath it; in this case, you need it cinched tight. The 'earflaps' go right up to the corner of the eye. A little bit of cat fur on my face drives me crazy, let alone rubbing the only textile made from tiny, tiny needles against the edges of my eyelid. Maybe she knitted her iPod earbuds right into that thing and that's the appeal. It sure ain't the appeal of looking like an astronaut reject.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Craft-Scan Friday: Who's Crocheting?

The caption on this page is: Who's Home Crocheting?DEAR GOD NO -- It's Norman Bates' mother! Don't go near her -- she's a wrinkly old dead corpse! Sure, the hotel room was cheap, but a skinny crazy guy will hack up you in the shower! *Phew* It's only a hot Swiss miss with red hair. That smell of a decaying corpse, that was her puppy. It needs some shots and that'll clear right up. As for the chick: she's wearing shorts and flip-flops, but in the first photo she has an antimacassar to keep her shoulders warm. I almost think she was trying to deceive us, and obscure her babe-a-liciousness! Why would she do such a thing?

To sell Dawn Yarns from American Thread -- "For Uncommon Ideas," is their motto, as it is apparently uncommon to find hot chicks knitting their own clothes. Crocheting is an old lady craft? Who would think such a thing! Well, I suppose I gotta agree with them at that point. From time to time, the AP does a story on kids knitting, but it's far less prevalent in hot redheads as it is in grandmoms. (see also, from a few weeks ago)

Friday, January 25, 2008

Craft-Scan Friday: Pomponitis

This poor soul has come down with the deadly disease pomponitis, in which unsightly -- but pleasantly fluffy -- growths protrude from the head in unpleasant ways. Not particularly painful for the sufferer, unless they also happen to be a cat-owner, in which case secondary injuries may be sustained while sleeping. As the patient's illness progresses, the pompons eventually fall off and blow away like tumbleweeds, infecting any they touch. No cure is known, although cats tend to catch the tumbling pompons and extinguish them before they can infect others.

This, in fact, illustrates an advertisment for Brunswick yarns -- Brunswick Worsted Mills, Inc is still around (sadly, without a website), and their instructional booklets abound online. The photo of the woman with pompoms all over her face is not explained in the ad at all -- the only text consists of a catalog of booklet prices. Why would a woman have fluffy yarn balls attached to her head? Only her doctor knows for sure.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Practical Polly's Wonder Woman Sweater

OK, I've mocked enough string-crafts, so I have to point out something completely awesome -- like this knitted jumper from Practical Polly, done up Wonder-Woman style! If only there were more sweaters knitted in superhero styles, kids might put up with the itchy, uncomfortable clothes. Unless it was Aquaman...that'd be doubly sucky (I had aquaman underoos, which was the start of my downfall). But a batgirl mask (you know, like the one from Ghost World?) - that would totally collapse the universe in a black whole of awsomeness...wholly farking woot, they've got those, too! (bonus points: space invaders sweater)

Friday, November 9, 2007

Craft-Scan Friday: Talk To The Zombies

This week's Craft-Scan Friday looks innocent, but that's what they want you to think.

A young lady keeps her squirrel-chow in a frog's-head macrame bag. What's so wrong with that? Of course she's going to be wandering the woods like a sweater-wearing Snow White, singing to lure woodland creatures close enough to taste her wares. Not so:This, it turns out, is a formerly-deceased squirrel. Now, I've seen my share of deceased squirrels, and none climbed trees. No, this formerly-deceased squirrel is now un-deceased, his paws bent and battered, his ears crushed from years in his crypt, his backbone bent in an uncomfortable pose -- now a minion of the walking dead, stalking the forests in search of tasty, tasty squirrel brains.

There IS the possibility that's the food in the girl's hand is zombie- squirrel- chow, spooned from the finest squirrel's skulls. This would make the girl their friend, not foe: Snow Sweater, Friend of the Zombies; her soleful tune (the only lyric: "brains") causes zombie critters to line up behind her, following her to a hazily-lit clearing where they'll sway to the music and await their handful of cerebral matter. It'd be cute, if it wasn't so terribly, terribly unholy.

In reality, I'm sure the photo was taken on a fall day, taxidermied squirrel wired to the tree, with this phrase repeated over and over "act like you're feeding the squirrel, honey, hold the nuts by its mouth, a little lower, you're feeding him, honey, pretend you're feeding him..." They theory was, of course, that a girl talking to a dead squirrel would sell latchhook kits of owls in love and needlepoint ladybug sunglasses cases (yes, that's what the tiny thing at the bottom is), because, hey, if it looks like we know what a real animal looks like, our cartoony animals will be more valuable. "Buy our latchhook, I've seen a squirrel!"

When it comes to dead things, however, times were different in the 1970s. Dead bodies were often used as marketing materials. This put numerous zombies out of work, no doubt, who almost certainly echoed the sentiment of the string-art mouse pictured on the right-side of the image:Unfair indeed.

While yarn is, yes, quite inspiring, I don't think they should've centered the ad around an industrial accident that occurred during the production of the skeins. I don't know how a lady in her panties ended up in their giant washing machine, but I'll bet OSHA wrote up at least a 150-page report no this place's lack of safety features.

"Mabel! Mabel! Get outta there -- grab the railing, quick! We just added fabric softener, and the spin cycle is on the way. SPIN CYCLE -- do you understand, Mabel?! The. Spin. Cycle. You ain't gonna survive that!"

I even got out my magnifying glass to see if they had any disclaimers (but who used disclaimers in the sixties? If that toaster exploded, you figured it was your own fault for buying that new-fangled whole-wheat bread), something along the lines of "Simulation -- Do Not Attempt At Home", but I found nothing in the margins. The reason today's magazines are free from images of women in their skivvies swimming in a washing machine must be due to the number of fatalities at the time. Poor, poor, clothing-optional housewives.