I’m a terrible person. I completely forgot my mother’s birthday and didn’t even remember it until four days after the fact. My entire family takes this kind of thing very seriously, so not only is my mother pissed at me, they all are, especially my dad, who is furious. I don’t even have an excuse, either. I just plain forgot. What kind of grand gesture can I make to atone for my sin and show how sorry I am? Is there a gift that says, “I love you, and I suck?”

You could give her a nice engraved Swiss Army knife and let her stab you with it. Or you could tattoo “I’m sorry!” on your butt and moon her every time you see her. Or you could taser yourself and put a video of it on YouTube and send the link to all your friends and family. Or you could just set yourself on fire now since you’re clearly going to hell.

One more thing you could do is get her whatever you would normally get her for your birthday, write her a nice, sincere card explaining how busy you’ve been, how sorry you are, and how even though you forgot her special day, you love her and appreciate her every day of the year. As far as your dad and your siblings and anyone else who may be weighing in on the situation, I suggest you just ignore them, don’t respond to them, and deal directly with your mother. You’re an adult, and while your dad may be outraged on your mother’s behalf because he loves her, you certainly don’t owe him any kind of explanation or apology.

Not to make you feel worse, but maybe if you were a better child you would call your mom every day, like I do, and then you would never even run the risk of forgetting in the first place. (Hey, I’m a mom…I couldn’t resist throwing a guilt trip in there!)