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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Got Flown To Adelaide And All I Got Was This Lousy Ego Boost

I have just got back from a whirlwind trip to Radelaide with my BBFF (Best Bloggy Friend Forever) Georgia from Parental Parody. How whirlwind? Well, I'm glad you asked. From take off to final landing was a mere 30 hours. I was unaware, until that point, how much you can actually fit in to such a short time period, especially when sans-child. The next time you do a 30 hour out of state trip try to do the following:

Get told off for talking too much during the safety demonstration on the plane. Blame your travel companion's mother who has made you each a "Survival Kit & Barf Bag" containing a mini Jim Beam, a packet of chips, a chocolate bar, a scratchie and the all important paracetamol and Berocca for the morning after!

Walk for absolute miles past innumerable number of homeless people, possibly comatose drunks and laneways with the heady aroma of stale urine (in heels!) because the receptionist has given you the wrong directions to the markets that she also forgot to mention aren't actually open on a Sunday. To make up for it, find a great little Chinese restaurant and order some lovely meals and some "Chaaaaar Don Aaaaay" for $4. Please note that drinking of said $4 "Chaaaaar Don Aaaaay" will not make your feet hurt any less.

Take an iPad with you, even though you don't have 3G connectivity and use it as a fancy pants note pad. Feel free to shit stir your travel companion who uses ye olde paper and pen to cover the fact that you should really be doing that too but after a $4 "Chaaaaar Don Aaaaay" you can't read your own writing.

Go to dinner with some lovely Adelaide bloggers Kellie, Tatum, Lauren, Bianca, Fi, Jodie and Alyce. Have your travel companion introduce herself as not only a blogger but your personal assistant in charge of holding hand bags and fending off the paparazzi. That way, when you remind her that she should write about something funny that just happened everyone will think you're getting her to take notes FOR YOU and think you're either slightly cool or a complete bitch.

Find a 24hour pancake parlour and go there with said travel companion and brand new friends Tatum and Lauren. Make stupid jokes, come up with fabulous ideas for guest posts, laugh so much you cry, meet an amazing LadyBoy waitress who laughs at your dumb jokes and joins in on your fun all at 10pm in a particularly seedy part of town. Of course the eating of pancakes or waffles is compulsory.

Attend an awesome brunch held by Kelloggs who have paid for you to fly all the way over there but don't actually demand you write anything about them in return. Speak about sugar, salt and fibre. Get quoted on twitter as saying "Sugar doesn't make you fat... sitting on your arse and eating shit makes you fat". Be told that your hair looks fabulous and take numerous requests for a vlog on how to achieve your particular look. Feel your head swell with ego but make a mental note to not let it swell too much lest your hair doesn't sit right any more. Say plenty of great-to-meet-you's and lovely-to-see-you-again's to some fantastic women and really, truly mean it.

Have a quick look around Rundle Mall so you can pose with the giant balls and the pigs while you wonder if tax money gets spent on public art just so tourists can take compromising photos with each piece. See the world's most amazing busker - a burly bikie playing classical music on the flute - and give him all your coins for being the best walking contradiction you've ever seen.

Look down at your enormous, painfully engorged breasts as it comes on the 26th hour away from your breastfeeding toddler. Marvel that while your rack looks completely amazing, you would do almost anything to relieve the pressure and consider hand expressing in a Maccas toilet.

Arrive home to a gorgeous husband and child, your parents and your sister who have all chipped in to help you have an amazing 30 hours free of your usual responsibilities. Thank them and tell them about your trip while you shove your child, who seems to have forgotten you but not your ability to produce milk, to your breasts to relieve the discomfort. Wait til they all leave or go to sleep before you break out the Haigh's chocolate and enjoy it while you think about what a kick ass trip you just had and that you feel like a total rock star.

And if you're wondering what spending 30 straight hours with me is like... this is what Georgia looked like as the plane landed:

P.S. if I'd known you planned on visiting the Market, I could have told you they're only open on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. People have been wanting the market open more days, but it just isn't happening. The growers need time to grow and deliver the goods too.

when the kids and I were walking in the mall late yesterday afternoon I very nearly tweeted a pic of the flute playing bikie (except then I would have had to give him coin and I was all out of them after giving them to the ladyboy and I didn't think he'd have change of a $50)...complete contradiction, loved it! was awesome to meet you and georgia, seriously have not laughed so much in a while. looking forward to the hair tutorial, will have to tuck it away for future reference ;)

IT was fabulous to meet you, was an awesome night (*cough* minus my schnitzel *cough* *cough*)The flute playing bikie is my favourite dude...I actually cried the first time I came across him & he was playing The Beatles 'Blackbird"...and then I walked into this little old lady, nearly knocking her over because I was too busy gawking! She wasn't too impressed with me. xx

First up there is not enough superlatives to describe your hair. It is rockstar perfect every time.

Secondly v v jealous of engorged milky tits. I am in the hospital right now with 9 day old Baby Harper after he wascreadmitted because not enough booby milk means he's lost too much weight and become very jaundiced :(

Georgia is looking a heck of a lot better than I did at the end of my flight! And my rack... well, it was fully depleted after two hours of feeding! That's what you get for taking the toddler with you! :)Great to finally meet you. Wishing I could have come to dinner. Next time! x