How to Tell If You’re Dating a Deadbeat

I’m very fortunate that the Honeybee and I rarely have a disagreement regarding money. In fact, I can only remember it happening once in over 19 years of marriage — and that was all due to a silly misunderstanding.

A recent study affirmed the conventional wisdom that says money is the most likely point of conflict in a marriage. This is especially true when one spouse tends to be a spender while the other is a saver.

When a married couple has different philosophies regarding the importance of financial responsibility, there’s usually going to be big problems somewhere down the road; many times, the only solution ends up being a messy and expensive divorce.

Of course, that’s why it’s important to know if your partner is financially compatible with you before you tie the knot.

So, does your current steady have their financial act together?

If you don’t know, you better find out — especially with Valentine’s Day around the corner. Think about it. Just because your flame is spoiling you doesn’t mean that he (or she) can afford it.

True, your lover may seem to be financially well-off, but will he be able to maintain his lifestyle after you get married? And if not, does he possess the discipline required to throttle back on the spending pedal?

Unfortunately, folks who fail to ask those simple questions often end up being led into a financial quagmire.

Thankfully, there are warning signs for those who choose to pay attention.

In “Get Financially Naked: How to Talk Money with Your Honey,” co-authors Manisha Thakor and Sharon Kedar offer five indicators that may signal you’re dating a deadbeat. I’ve listed them here, along with a few additional ones of my own.

How many of these apply to your current valentine?

They always insist on picking up the check at a big dinner or throwing down a credit card without looking at the bill. This may be the sign of a big spender living beyond his means in an attempt to impress you.

They live in a large but sparsely furnished home. According to Thakor and Kedar, this can indicate your partner has, as they say in Texas, “a big hat, but no cattle.”

They avoid answering phone calls. This is a potential sign that your steady is avoiding bill collectors.

They lease a car. Yeah, this seems like a bit of a stretch to me too. However, leasing is often a sign of living beyond one’s means.

They ask you to buy things for them or cosign loans. But, Len, they always promise to pay me back. Okay. Let me know how that works out for you.

They have a lot of bills marked “urgent” or “past due.” This is another big financial red flag.

They have bills in somebody else’s name. It could be an ex-sweetheart’s bill, or indicate that your current lover couldn’t get an account on their own. Then again, it could also mean that the postman simply delivered the bill to the wrong person — so make sure you verify that address before you get too accusatory.

They admit that their credit cards are maxed out. This, too, is a great indicator of somebody having trouble living within their means.

They have a payday loan company magnet on the refrigerator door. Ah, yes … “Joe’s Payday Loans: When nobody else will lend you money. Not even your relatives.” Don’t laugh. Short of a loan shark, the payday loan company is typically the lender of last resort.

They have a live-in maid named “Mom.” Psst. Come closer. If you said “yes” to this one, and you happen to be in your lover’s house right now, listen to me very carefully. Put down the mouse. Then calmly walk out the door and get away. As fast as you possibly can.

Comments

Great article. So many people find out when it’s too late what they’re getting into. While you may be “blinded by love”, you’re going to be quite unhappy later if you’re inheriting a mess in marriage. Once married, it’s both your problems.

Here’s another one: Does your sweetie not have a checking account/debit card/credit card and run to a check cashing shop on the corner every Friday on their way to purchase lotto tickets and some cold ones? 🙂

@CCC: LOL! Good one, Joel! I knew I should have consulted you before I published this! 🙂
@Darwin: When it comes to your personal finances, I think the only thing worse than divorce is having your good credit ruined by a financially irresponsible spouse.
@20s: I think it is THE biggest cause of problems in a marriage.

You add him to your bank account so he can cash his paychecks and the State of California seizes same bank account for unpaid child support…….BIG RED FLAG! He told me he hadn’t gotten around to opening his own bank account after his divorce was final. Guess what…..his divorce wasn’t final either.

OMG!!!! I would kill the prick really I think I would. What a snake to do some thing like that! Never, best I would ever do for a person any person is if all they want is a paycheck cashed have then sign it over to me, I cash it and give them their money. They don’t like it they can eat me, bite me whatever….another red flag to that is them getting pissy cuz you won’t add them to your bank account. I been burned before I will admit, first time shame on them second time shame on me.

Oh No! NEVER, I repeat NEVER believe anything … ask to see the custody agreement, divorce decree, and bankruptcy filing…if unavailable RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit and leave the LOSER behind as he eats your dust!

I am now of the mindset to not get that involved with anyone. I’d rather live alone and lonely for the rest of my life, than have the last 30 yrs of savings ripped out from beneath my feet in 23 months.

OR they lived in a no-fault-divorce state & their ex-deadbeat-who-cannot-commit DIVORCED THEM! Prolly when they put their foot down & insisted on separate checking accounts– the best solution for a saver married to a spender, LOL.

19

Chef Lynniesays

Oh No – another trusting soul separated from his money…but, take heart – we ALL are not deadbeats, just SOME… IF you really choose to be alone don’t waste your life being lonely – ENJOY it, find your passions, get up and go, get out and LIVE life…it really is not a dress rehearsal, this is the real deal! And who knows, if you are out there having fun, biking, hiking, swimming, cooking, shopping, shooting, WHATEVER floats your boat, you might just meet one of us who enjoy the same things and who are NOT deadbeats! Good luck and I wish you all the best!

About the sparse furniture… I hate clutter and overstuffed houses so I’d be considered being sparse by most people even though I’m financially fine, so I’m not so sure about that one if you’re dating someone who has a tendency to be a minimalist. I found that even though my husband and i discussed everything before marriage and we seemed to be a perfect match, life didn’t prove it so. He went from admiring me to berating me which included my ability to pay debt down and save. There’s no guarantee and now I’m busy learning to my enjoy my God given gift of life with friends and helping others.

I also lived with my ex who was always in debt. Reason for her debt was, compulsive buying. Living in that kinda circumstances was horrible. I am person who knows how much I have and how much I can spend, but she was always telling me that I am cheap. We broke up because of debt. I realized that I could never live with person who always has that kinda problem.

This article made me laugh. I am so glad I’m married. I still hear dating horror stories about deadbeats moving in after the first date after professing their undying love for their date when they find out they have a job and a disposable income. Then the parasite doesn’t want to move out.

A friend has a spendthrift husband. His credit cards are always maxed out, and every bill is paid late, including the mortgage. He’s always buying the latest electronics, and the UPS guy is always delivering stuff. When you visit, you hear that the phone rings but nobody answers it, because it’s probably bill collectors. He blows every dime he gets his hands on, and then some. It has wrecked their credit rating and their marriage.

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