Jim: Hello, hello. Winter can be very stressful if you want to leave the house, but can’t. I have compiled some tips for things to do. Number one, you can start burning some clothing.

Zarion: Excuse me?

Jim: Burning clothing. You are talking about apocalyptic scenarios, right?

Zarion: No.

Jim: Okay, then. Well, then I can’t help you at all.

Zarion: …We need better visitors. Jim Taniadora, everybody.

Tigerboy: Susan Warren, otherwise known as the “Cleaning Fairy” has been arrested for shoveling someone’s driveway without permission. According to police reports, she also had a warrant on her for burglary. If I may editorialize, I don’t think you should be arrested for stealing someone’s snow.

Zarion Kreena: 15,000 crocodiles have escaped a South Africa farm. In future news, everybody in South Africa has been killed by crocodiles.

Tigerboy: Michelle Windgassen has been arrested for shooting heroin at an Applebee’s. I really don’t see why she was arrested. EVERYONE shoots heroin at Applebee’s, especially the employees.

Zarion Kreena: Orly Taliz, a Connecticut woman, wants to arrest Barack Obama for a number of convuluted reasons, Bystanders said that right after making her newest announcement, she ran into her house and said, “I forgot to take my allergy medicine!”

Tigerboy: Calvin Butler has accusd of giving people illegal butt implants. Hmmm..There has to be a Lance Armstrong joke here somewhere.

Zarion Kreena: Protests in Manama, Bahrain are back, because of government issues. Come on, people! Let’s do a peaceful, singing protest! “Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred smoke bombs and tear gas…” What? That’s what the protestors are being attacked with. It’s not right.

Tigerboy: Nice song parody. From News Update, I’m Tigerboy.

Zarion Kreena: And I’m Zarion Kreena. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. All of the stories have been brought to you by the Washington Post, and the Huffington Post’s weird news section.