Tuesday, November 15, 2011

“Its His Pleasure, and its His will, that motivates Him to do all of this for us… it has NOTHING to do with what you are able to do…My worth, my self-esteem, my value, is not hinged on my ability to perform well in this life, its defined by an eternally existing God who finds pleasure in lavishing grace on me.”

"It is totally the unmerited grace of God that bring us into His presence.”

~~~
This is my purpose for life. Billy also says that We are, I am, I have, nothing going for me apart from Jesus Christ. I am completely, totally, bad. I am nothing apart from the "unmerited grace of God" that was given to me unearned, undeserved, for God's pleasure and for no other reason than to bring glory to God.
There is supposed to be a sense of freedom in this, which is no more than a little seed in me, but I hope to grow by living in the Word and feeding myself with the Truth...

I had a truly horrific dream this morning. I'm trying not to think about it because it was so so awful and disturbing, so I have to write it down. It helps me not have it again and puts it elsewhere besides in my mind.

I was somehwere I didnt recognize, and around me were my family (I think) although they were busy around me and I was just in one place. I wasnt in pain, but I felt awful, like something inside of me just was wrong. I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable: something unwelcome and invasive had taken control of me. And I had to get it out, but I didnt know what I would find. The dread and fear of what I would find was, however, very clear and present.

I felt it in my stomach. I pulled up my shirt. Tiny thorns began protruding from my skin. One, then another, then more so rapidly that I was overwhelmed. I had to get them out. But they were not thorns. They were wings. Long, brown, sharp-edged wings. I was disgusted. I pulled one out with a unnerving tug and then a pluck of the body of whatever insect it was. They were alive but not moving, with useless wings. I must have pulled a hundred out within several seconds, desperate to get them out of me, but the disgust of the feeling of pulling them out was absolutely horrific. I mean I was literally grabbing handfuls of wings from my belly and ripping them out with so much urgency, with that feeling when you pull on your skin--the emptiness you feel on the inside. I was crying from disgust and the need for help. I believe my Mom was the only one helping me rid my stomach of the termites that invaded my body. I am glad the dream did end with the relief of just pulling a few random wings that were left from my chest, my stomach, and my shoulder. They were finally out of me.

~~~

I do not know what this meant yet. It has some obvious visualizations of disgust with whatever was inside of myself, and the need to rid myself of that feeling and the bugs that crept into my body/life. I know that letting one little lie that satan feeds us can multiply like bugs inside, and that makes sense to me. Ridding them is not easy, and it is not without pain and dusgust. Its just something we have to do sometimes. Remove the bugs in our lives that we have allowed to fly in and multiply within us.

Friday, November 11, 2011

When night falls
And all seems lost
When pain is the only motivation to feel at all
Where the dagger
And the hole it created
Leaves love bleeding in my hands again
Where so much is given
There it will be lost
Where smiles fade
And memories are forgotten
Here they will be buried so deep
That I will grieve only the happiness they once held
When there are no more tears to cry
And no more blood to spill
Where absence now occupies the spaces we created
There is where you might make out the faintest beating of my shattered heart

Friday, November 4, 2011

You know those days where, no matter how hard you try, having a good attitude about things and the smallest of faith in humankind is just seemingly impossible? Fuckin H, man.

Ok so I woke up more tired than usual. No big deal, happens all the time. Late to work this week, resigned to contribute it to the fact that this happens every year right before the time goes back to a godly schedule. Eff you, time changes. why the f do we still participate in this? Maybe I should move to AZ where it's hotter than bejeezus and aint shit to do, but hey! At least they keep human hours. Or Europe, where they take 2 hour siestas every day. OOO even better...

Still. Put on a happy face, doing my work and helping my *one nice* coworker cause she's not a hating ass bitch to me for no reason like the rest of the low-life chismosas I have the priviledge of working with.
Yet I tell myself each and every time the one other b* I have to be in the same dept. as turns into a yippy shit (-tsu) that I want to put a muzzle on daily not because of her weak ass bite but because of her shrieking-as-fuck deputy-no-badge bark that never fails to boil my blood out of sheer annoyance. I dont even care if that wasnt a complete sentence just now, cause that's how much air-time she deserves on MY blog.

Maybe this all has something to do with the fact that my FINE AS FUCK boyfriend came to get the car and I invited myself to lunch his treat all scruffy and handsome cute con pelo de acolchonadito yesterday and was, for the first time, waiting at my office door while I checked out. To say the least the fugly chismosas I work with were acting a fool by checking him out as if they had a chance. He wouldnt give a shit about these b*s if they had platinum p*'s.

anyways. Hopefully this comes across funny and or entertaining and not oober-negative. English humor people. I'm dry as a martini with a single olive, no cute little red-pepper center either.
Later haters

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The good: Feeling healthy and pretty happy to be Pandar right now
The bad: Hurt my foot on a chair (to the point where its bruised and sore and traumatized)
The ugly: So not down for customer service today
The good: Started a new lifestyle of diet and exercise Saturday
The bad: Not used to not snacking during the day so I'm kind of hungry
The ugly: Broke again... :(
The good: Cant wait for Magic again next friday!!!!! yesssssssssssssssssss!!!
The bad: Thought I'd be able to get one more discounted ticket but 2/3 aint bad
The ugly: My awesome body composition scale's batteries ran out of juice
The good: I randomly found the right (obscure) batteries at the auto shop whilst getting tranny fluid for mys car! whoo hoo lucky me!

I'm gonna end with the GOOD because I try to be more positive than negative!!