This Week's Leaders

Family Paying

I'm VERY newly engaged and have just started getting into this whole budgeting nightmare. My dad has just called me up and stated he was surprised I haven't asked him to contribute and that he would like to. We're going to have a discussion on the weekend but I'm a bit stuck on how this conversation should go!

For some background: My dad seems to be pretty well off... Large home, plentiful vacations and I know he paid for the liquor and engagement party with his partner for her child last year.

Our venue we've picked is on the pricer side, so ideally I'd like him to help with the cost of that. I'm hoping to ask him what he's comfortable with.. but I was hoping to get other peoples thoughts and what the heck do I do if he asks me to give him a number!

Re: Family Paying

If he asks you to give a number, tell him. Tell him what you've decided on and how much it costs. If you've booked a venue without talking to him you're obvi fine to pay for all of it yourselves, and you can and should tell him that as well.

"Hi Dad - thanks for offering to contribute. What did you have in mind?"

Let him run the conversation. Do not say things like "well we want help with our venue and that costs $X." There are two basic ways people can contribute. They can give a lump sum or they can pay for certain things (like your cake, your stationary, etc.). Let him decide and let him throw out numbers, not you.

"Hi Dad - thanks for offering to contribute. What did you have in mind?"

Let him run the conversation. Do not say things like "well we want help with our venue and that costs $X." There are two basic ways people can contribute. They can give a lump sum or they can pay for certain things (like your cake, your stationary, etc.). Let him decide and let him throw out numbers, not you.

Money often comes with strings. Know that going in.

Oh boy do I know about those strings. It's one of the reasons I haven't asked either parent to contribute. I think you're right and that I definitely need to let him drive the conversation though.

I'm not loving the idea of taking money from people but with how expensive weddings can be I shouldn't be turning my nose up at any offerings.

"Hi Dad - thanks for offering to contribute. What did you have in mind?"

Let him run the conversation. Do not say things like "well we want help with our venue and that costs $X." There are two basic ways people can contribute. They can give a lump sum or they can pay for certain things (like your cake, your stationary, etc.). Let him decide and let him throw out numbers, not you.

Money often comes with strings. Know that going in.

Oh boy do I know about those strings. It's one of the reasons I haven't asked either parent to contribute. I think you're right and that I definitely need to let him drive the conversation though.

I'm not loving the idea of taking money from people but with how expensive weddings can be I shouldn't be turning my nose up at any offerings.

My opinion is that if that's the case, you and your dad should pick 1 or 2 things he can pay for and have control over - for example, the cake, the music, the bar, etc. IF he wants to contribute, this is a good way to let him pull strings, but have one particular thing to have a say over. If he just contributes to the overall pot, he may feel that he's invested in everything.

You could also do something like give him full leeway to host a rehearsal dinner, but you fully host the wedding.

If he doesn't want to contribute in a way that still leaves you in control, feel free to turn down his offer.

If you anticipate drama, ask for his contribution to go toward specific things. That way, he only has a say in those things. Personally, I would choose things that are drama free - like flowers, cake, transportation, or tables/chairs/linens.

Ditto PPs. Also, depending on the type of drama you are expecting, or his personality (does he make everything difficult?) I might not take any money at all. Only you know if the strings are worth it. For example, I would never take money from my dad's mom. It simply isn't worth the pain and drama.

Before accepting any contributions from your father, I would ask him what his expectations are: How many people, and who, does he want to invite? Is there anything specific he does or does not want the money spent on? Any restrictions on vendors? What are the maximum and minimum amounts he will contribute? When will he provide it? In what form (direct payment to vendors, lump sum to you, etc.) I suggest getting whatever you can in writing. It may not be legally enforceable, but at least you have documentation of his promises if there's any possibility that he'll claim that he didn't make those promises down the road.

Whatever you do, don't make any plans that involve any funding from him until you actually receive it, and don't accept any funds from him with strings attached if you don't want to accept the restrictions.

I'm VERY newly engaged and have just started getting into this whole budgeting nightmare. My dad has just called me up and stated he was surprised I haven't asked him to contribute and that he would like to. We're going to have a discussion on the weekend but I'm a bit stuck on how this conversation should go!

For some background: My dad seems to be pretty well off... Large home, plentiful vacations and I know he paid for the liquor and engagement party with his partner for her child last year.

Our venue we've picked is on the pricer side, so ideally I'd like him to help with the cost of that. I'm hoping to ask him what he's comfortable with.. but I was hoping to get other peoples thoughts and what the heck do I do if he asks me to give him a number!

Do you and your FI have any issue settled? Have you considered the size of the guest list at all? If you have already chosen a venue I would assume you have a guest list drawn up. Since you have chosen this venue prior to speaking to anyone else contributing, are you prepared to foot the entire bill?

I would discuss things with your FI prior to meeting with your dad. Are you both willing to accept any strings, such as the inclusion of additional guests? Would your venue choice allow for a larger guest list? Will accepting money from your dad cause/create headaches with your mother? Is your venue all inclusive? If your dad offers to offset the liquor bill, you might need to have a breakdown of costs. Do you want an engagement party if one is offered? If dad wants to have some control with things his finances provide, what items are you and FI willing to relinquish? Do you and FI know how you want to word the invitations? All of these issues will often come into question when people other than the bride and groom help finance the wedding.

When my dad made the same comment, I blew it off. I am throwing a party. This has nothing to do with him. I hope he lets it go and just decides to buy a couple of rounds for people at the post party, then gives me the rest of his "contribution" in the form of a check after the event. I really don't want to deal with him or my mother making any suggestions about how I should host this party.