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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

No Title Today.

I know that my post yesterday was filled with so much frustration to all the doctors. I didn't really take the time to also mention the good things that have come out of all these visits. My RE office here in OKC although they can't keep me pregnant, have been very supportive of me for the past few years. I know that many people (and I should) think you need to have success within a short period of time or move on. I think when I realized that we were having infertility problems, I knew there was NO quick fix. In the back of my mind I knew I was in this for the long haul . My RE did tell me earlier in the year that he had exhausted all options to get me pregnant and did suggest I go to CCRM for further testing and treatment. After talking to him and explaining that wasn't an option for us (because we are still paying off debt for the two failed ivf's) he said that he would help me in whatever I decided. At first I was so hurt and upset that he told me he couldn't do anything further, but now I totally respect him for being honest with me instead of leading us on. I have a wonderful relationship with most of the staff at my office. I can call and/or email and get a response within an hour and most times within 20 minutes. They don't have the highest success rate stats, but at this point I want someone who I have a relationship with and understands me. I don't want to be just another "number/patient". My office is also working with Dr. Kim and doing things that they wouldn't usually do. Dr. Kim wants me to have about 8 vials of blood drawn and FED-EX'd overnight every month. I called around to independent labs all over OKC and NO-ONE would draw my blood and release to me (except my clinic).

I know that I am still in early stages of my new immune protocol with Dr. Kim. In all honesty I don't expect another positive pregnancy test for a good few months. As confusing, frustrating and just plain difficult this new protocol has been in trying to implement here in OK, it has been totally worth it. In my heart I feel what I am doing is the right thing. Over three years Al and I tried the same treatment and protocol with the same results. We might get the same results with this also, but I just don't know until I give it a worth while shot. We are getting close to our timeline of living without a child together so we have to give this our all and them some. I do believe in Dr. Kim though. I know people that were given hardly no chance of ever conceiving a child of their own and did exactly that with her protocol . I can't compare this to nationwide studies, but I don't really believe in studies anyway. Things can be twisted on any study to produce certain results. I do also believe that with or without a child that Al and I did everything within our power to have one. I will never look back and think we could have done more.

I guess after these past few years I have also learned to have patience. Every cycle that goes by I don't look at it like "this is the cycle" I don't really get upset on failed cycles anymore either. I have completely disconnected myself from it. The other day at my u/s my favorite nurse asked if I had my HCG trigger shot. I explained that the specialty pharmacy had not called me back yet. She said that the clinic would sell me one and when the cycle was a success I could bring the other one back and get my money back. I calmly looked at her and asked how long I have been a patient there. She said it was over 3 1/2. So then I smiled and said " Michelle lets not talk about this being a successful cycle anymore. How about we just treat it for what it is and then if we get pregnant and have a heartbeat we refer to it as a success then". She smiled and explained she wanted to be optimistic for me. I get that, I really do, but it is not an optimistic or negative thing anymore. It is what it is and nothing more or less. If I got emotionally invested in every single cycle and was completely crushed or let down when it doesn't work, I would be a mental case. I do hope that one cycle works though :)

I guess after all of this ranting, I just wanted to say that regardless what doctors we see, what treatments and/or protocols are used...............................

Al and I will be okay as always. We will love each other daily, work on keeping our marriage strong and being happy with our lives that we have been blessed with. It may not be the life we thought it would be or the life we expected, but it is the life we have been given and will cherish it.

14 comments:

So sorry for the delay in commenting. Completely understand your frustrations with the medical community. It's hard when they not only don't agree with one another but also fight with you in the process. Hence I'm glad your original clinic is willing to work with you.

The thing to remember with all of this is that there isn't any data supporting the immunological link with infertility/loss. But this is due to a lack of good science behind getting the data/support from the medical community to investigate this. I firmly believe that once that push is there, we will not only find a link but also start unraveling a whole new aspect of human health that was previously not considered. In the meantime, hold fast to what is working for you.

Your struggles have made you the amazing, strong woman that you are. I really feel like your success story is right around the corner. I will continue to pray for you until you have your bring home baby!

It sounds like you are really accepting of everything at this point. You don't want to look back and wish you'd done more or done things differently. I'm sure you won't feel that way. How frustrating things have been for you. Hopefully your persistence will pay off.

I have been silently reading your blog for some time and have been saying prayers for you that your success is right around the corner. I struggled with PCOS but 76 lbs. weight loss was my fertility drug.

The reason I am commenting now, because I am curious of the perspective of your husband. My DH has an 8 year old little girl from a previous relationship. When we were struggling through infertility, I found that I had a tough time with it because he could get another woman pregnant after a month long relationship, yet here we struggled for over 3 years. I am always interested in how a step parent copes with infertility.

I will continue to pray for you and your husband and that take home baby! I feel that you are very close to it coming true! All the best sent from Iowa!

That is a great question Shari and I hope that I can answer it for you. Before my husband and I married he made it very clear that he wanted children and would not marry a woman who did not. At the time I didn't know that I would have all of these issues and also wanted another child. Now I bring that up to him and he tells me that we are doing everything in our power to have a child and if it doesn't work out then he has me and my daughter. He says that he will be happy with that. To a certain extent I feel extremely guilty. I often wonder if he is just telling me this because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. As far as co parenting in our household, I think it is a little different because my daughter is a teenager. He is there for her and helps with anything that she needs, but the main relationship is between my daughter and myself. I am hoping to make him a parent one day. I have also offered up other ideas in case I can't get pregnant. He doesn't want to adopt, go down the DE road or use a surrogate. He said if we don't get pregnant then we move on to the next phase of our life together.

Great post Toni and great attitude toward everything! That's what makes you so special :) I think it's so wonderful that your clinic is working WITH you in all of this. I also admire your doctor for being honest and upfront when he felt like he had tried everything he knew how to do.

I am like you. People tell me to be positive and believe it will work every cycle. I can't do that. When I do that it hurts too much. It's a defense mechanism I guess. Only people who have gone through this stuff can understand.

About Me

Hi everyone! I married the love of my life on April 24, 2010. I guess it took a little longer then I thought to find him. I do have a daughter and she is 16 years old. I got pregnant with her when I was 20, wow have times changed. I never thought that having a second child would be such a challenge. Here I am 38 and ttc. We have 7 iui's under our belt and two failed ivf attempts and 5 chemical pregnancies and 1 miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat. Everyday of struggling hopefully brings us one day closer to having a baby or one day closer to moving on without one.
Recently I was diagnosed with:
Positive APA Panel, ANA, Th 1/Th2, Factor XIII mutated, PA1 mutation, MTHFR mutation. Working with Dr. Kim and a new protocol.