to the pain

James O’Keefe Might Possibly Have a Problem With Women

The fine people at Mediaite have an excellent ‘splainer braiding together the threads of onetime James O’Keefe comrade Nadia Naffe, her harassment complaint against him, the “night in the barn,” her upcoming tell-all, and other assorted completely unhilarious doings. They are better men than your editrix, who can barely read Naffe’s original harassment complaint without a long pull of Pepto and a Silkwood shower.

In very brief sum, Naffe (who had previously sued the RNC for a racially charged hostile work environment, because duh) was working with O’Keefe to attempt to wiretap Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters; she went to New Jersey to meet with him; and after drinking some beer found she couldn’t really use her legs? She wanted to go home, O’Keefe wouldn’t take her to the train station (and at this point she couldn’t walk), and when she finally threatened to call the police, he came with some total creepazoid who stood silently in the shadows, until eventually she awoke in Penn Station.

Later, gentlemanly O’Keefe started harassing her through friends and intermediaries, which provided the basis for her charges.

Conservative legal blogger “Patterico” explains that a judge not finding probable cause for harassment charges is prima facie evidence that there was no harassment. The judge in question, however, specifically says the opposite; that he is merely unable to determine that O’Keefe was under his jurisdiction in Westwood, New Jersey, at the time the alleged harassment occurred (despite the fact that he was ordered to remain there by another court). He suggests instead she retain an excellent lawyer for a civil suit. Patterico:

The court repeatedly said that he could not find anything in her certification that sounded like harassment, and she confirmed that she had not been threatened or touched[.]

The judge himself says, repeatedly, that harassment can consist of good old fashioned words, but maybe Patterico is not a very good lawyer? Plus also too, if Naffe was drugged, that’s not harassment. It’s assault, and possibly attempted murder. But Patterico would rather build a lovely strawman for his fellows to pinata about, and so is focusing instead on whether O’Keefe tried to rape her — if he did, she hasn’t yet said so, but has implied some shenanigans via Twitter. (Those shenanigans may have been just the drugging and the holding her captive, which is sort of an ongoing theme of Young Master O’Keefe’s. You do remember that stupid boat caper, the original plan for which O’Keefe’s other penitent accomplice swears called for the boat to sail so the reporter would be trapped and unable to leave … or even “unlawfully imprisoned,” if you wanna get all legal about it.)

Andrew Breitbart, via Tweet, sympathized with Naffe, who says she had called him for help while she was trapped in the barn: “There is no ‘rape plot’, you slanderous, libelous wannabe Media Matters smear junkie.”

Others throughout the blogosphere are outraged at Naffe’s suggestion that she was roofied; they suggest she was just plain old drunk; your editrix has been dosed a time or three herself, and while at the time there is confusion and you don’t really realize what’s happened, once it’s over you know exactly what did. Drinking a beer (or even five!) does not usually result in loss of muscle function and an inability to move. It is very, very different (and easily distinguishable) from the effects of alcohol (even a lot of it!) — but it does take a few hours once one’s head has cleared to realize that what happened wasn’t just your typical Tuesday morning Mel Gibson Breakfast.

Your editrix hereby lifts all injunctions in this and only this post against ideating upon the painful death of James O’Keefe, as long as it contains no actual or credible threats. Go for it dudes. Have fuckin’ at it. [NadiaNaffe, via Mediaite]

Rebecca is the owner, editrix and publisher of Wonkette. She was in newspapers for a very long time. Follow her on the Twitter. She is currently on maternity leave (until 2033), so you didn't just read this post.

Oy, gevalt, oy vey is mir! I get queasy when confronted with surgical details, and I've been queased ever since I got here. On the PLUS side, she's still eating like a horse (and still as scrawny as a rail). Lost enough weight for three lady dress sizes. I'm cooking Good Healthy Food by the cartload. It's been several months since the surgery, but she still has spells of extreme exhaustion. And I might have to murder a few surgeons before I leave this country, but don't tell anyone. The fucker who did some of the reconstructive surgery actually had the gall to postpone it till Xmas week because he was going fly-fishing. I'll give him something to fish out of his fly if I ever get my hands on him, youbetcha.

Also, too, scars. Dear sweet lady, I did not realize surgeons left so many and they had to be so big. More scans in July with a possibility of more surgery at year-end, but I just don't know if I can stay here that long. I'm going insane with homesickness and exhaustion. Still, it's in a good cause, and I dare say our relationship is healthier than it's ever been, even if the participants therein are sicker.

She's improving by the day. Nothing like good food and loving care. Thanks ever so much for asking. Fond hugs and heartfelt hopes that you are doing well and work is not too taxing.

HistoriCat

July?? But that's months and months – and it's not like we can even take advantage of the situation and obnoxiously crash there when we decide on a whim to visit Australia.

Well, it is for a good cause and it's not like we never hear from you … so I guess we will carry on somehow.

I'll probably be back by end-April. I can't stay here that long,there's stuff to take care of at home, too.

I made her up her bandwidth just for youse guys, so don't push it, dood. (Rubs the furry belly)

Tilley

Oh Frothy, I can compare my scars with the manliest of scarred men and win the competition, for whatever that's worth, which is nothing. Well, one thing about it, such mortifications of the flesh help one separate one's being from the skin-bag within which one is encompassed, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Take care of yourself and know you've been a tremendous boost to your sister, but ultimately, it's up to her, not you. How fortunate that she has you. I'm fine, love my job, neck feels much better, thanks and OOXXOO.

Nostrildamus

The was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"

Our Barb will do her best, if it means whipping out a magnifying glass, tweezers, and a very, very tiny little serrated knife.

SorosBot

Fuck. I'm sorry I've joked before that O'Keefe was a rapist based on the boat plot, now that it turns out he actually is one. Hm, someone could use a rusty pair of garden shears cutting off his balls right now.

Giveusabob

Paging Rose McGowan circa 1995, paging Rose McGowan …

Terry

Yeah, he's gone from being a lying amoral asshole, to being a lying amoral goddamn rapist. O'Keefe needs to go to jail soon and stay there for a long, long time.

Oh, generous, most generous of 'Bots! You assume he *has* any. In my (admittedly limited) experience, the men who desire to rape and injure women sexually are suffering from severe loss/malfunction of, or anxiety about malfunction of, their malfunctioning equipment.

It takes a strong and self-assured man to accept women as equals.

SorosBot

It doesn't seem all that hard to accept women as equals; in fact, it comes naturally. What the fuck is wrong with men who see women as nothing but objects? I just don't get it. Presumably these cretins all had mothers (I kind of doubt anyone raised by gay male couples end up as raging misogynists) – did they even love them and see their moms as human beings?

HistoriCat

They're insecure little shits (even if they are 6'6" and 250 lbs). As such they need to feel superior to someone and it's a very easy distinction to make – like me and not like me.

What can I say, your Mom raised you right. My elder brother is a right asshole on the whole "women's equality" thing, and absolutely HATES Teh Gheyz, which must drive him insane of nights, since three of his three siblings are gayer than the larks. OTOH, he *was* raised by our not-so-dear and thankfully departed mother which, after living with her for 18 years, it would be a miracle if any of her sons ever wanted to be within a mile of Teh Wimminz.

If I have a little respect, love, and kindness for Teh Wimminfolks, I have my father to thank for it. Hell, he put up with her for 60 years.

Dood/ine, I know better than to argue with the nice Lady-People. Anybody who can walk around with somebody else growing inside of them for like up to a year and then spend another 24/48/72 hours getting something the size of a watermelon through an aperture the size of a dime, I ain't got nuthin' to argue about with 'em.

flamingpdog

Jeezus, Soros, it's the 21st century. Whatever happened to using a rusty chainsaw?

I forget where she wrote/said it, but Atwood once asked her class to write down what they were most afraid of. Pretty uniformly, the women expressed fear that men would kill them, and the men, that women would mock them.

At the time she was teaching in Canada, and I believe it was right around the same time some Canadian engineering student went nuts because "girlz" were allowed in his classes, so he pulled out a gun and shot a bunch of 'em.

It's pretty sad when half the human population has good reason to fear being murdered by the other half.

SorosBot

Not just half, since we're apparently still living in a country where a man can stalk and murder a teenager and not even be charged with any crime, on the defense that "that teen was black and therefore scary, so it was self-defense".

I think, though, that it's important to maintain some tiny little bit of optimism (even though this is wonkette). There is much good in humankind, and it is possible we may eventually grow out of this kind of barbaric behavior.

Fare la Volpe

I remember coming close to vomit after I read that story.

We always joke that Walking While Black is a real thing, but the worst my friends ever encounter is a suspicious police officer or a pull over for driving a nice car.

But this… How can you describe this as anything but a lynching? How?

Chichikovovich

There is so much that is wrong with that heartbreaking and infuriating story that it may seem silly to pick on a tiny thing. But those can be the most revealing, because confabulators construct a story to explain away and spread fog over the big things, but forget to cover the small ones.

The shooter's family say they are not speaking to the press because the police advised them not to. What the hell? Are the police advocates all of a sudden? They should be eager to have people talk to the press, the more easily to let them get caught in lies. If the local police are *discouraging* a suspect from speaking, it's long past time for the Feds to step in.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Don't worry, folks, the Racial Transcendance Brigade at Free Republic have proclaimed that, since the shooter was Latino, this was Officially Not About Race.

(Actually, the interesting thing about Freeper responses is that a significant portion, maybe half, were actually condemning the shooter, even while pointing out that The Blacks in general are, of course, a threat.)

Chichikovovich

a significant portion, maybe half, were actually condemning the shooter

Yeah, I found back in the days when I would survey the posts at Free Republic (before I just gave up because it made me too depressed) that there are a lot of people who will not take a shooter's side in a case where shooter looks bad, because it makes gun owners look bad, so a distancing effort takes place. More generally, whenever anything happens that might make easy access to guns, "Stand your ground" rules for self-defence claims, etc. look bad [concealed weapon goes off accidentally in church, killing pastor's daughter, fx.] they will hasten to condemn the malefactor in this one instance, while generally saying "well, if the person had learned how to handle weapons properly, had realized that serious firearm owners treat their guns responsibly like the NRA says,…."

Doktor StrangeZoom

BINGO!

anniegetyerfun

I have been utterly unable to participate in conversation surrounding that incident because there's so much "but the black kid obviously attacked the white man in the car!" tomfoolery.

It is always your fault. If you weren't all sluts and whores, roofies would be chemically inactive and have no effect. Roofies only work on sluts and whores, because of science.

extreme_left

thing is you know you want it, i mean you don't even have a schlong and trust me there is nothing better, one can write one's name in the sand and makes for easy reference in who is the better person, but what am i telling you this for, you already know, as seen in Womankind's annexation of schlongs in Machiavelian pursuit of the proxy-schlong.

Lynne

But, but…why would we need to own one when there are so many available to borrow?

Boojum_Reborn

Speaking of which, I have one that needs to be taken for a spin, if you get my drift (and I think you do).

We could wish a thousand horrible deaths of itchy scrotum upon him. Death by scratching your balls off due to some revolting cootie you got from an infected cooter. Sounds so … fitting for Mr. O'Keefe.

Boojum_Reborn

No, no, I think killing is about right. Slow, hickory smoked, 150 degree dehydration killing, with ants and nettles, but still killing.

And the orthopedic surgeon who wanted to put a steel plate in my foot was one Andrew Carver. Got hisself arrested decades later in Hawai'i for doing weird shit. Man, I'm glad I ran out of his office while I could.

SorosBot

I used to work for a company that did administrative work for trade associations, and one time while working on a database for the ADA (American Dental Association) I saw one of the members was a Dr. Toothaker.

I used to go to an ob/gyn named Dr. Beaver. But it gets even better than that because his first name was Harry, and on top of that, his middle initial was C. People always think I'm making this up, but it is 100% true.

gullywompr

You know, with all this stuff being reported by our editrix, I'm starting to feel some empathy towards women.

chicken_thief

So you'dl warm up the transvaginal probe before inserting, should inserting be necessary?

Nostrildamus

Durn it, yer right! I'll go unlock the cage.

swordfis

A few questions:

Why does O'Keefe's face always look like a mug shot? Has he been practicing in the mirror?

Does he look like a rapist because he is one? Or did the fact that he always looked like a rapist turn him into the bitter, woman-hating skeeve that he is?

Look at the proportion between his tiny pervert mouth and abnormally long and wide neck. Is this evidence of chromosomal damage? Or did someone Photoshop him? Or is he naturally Photoshopped?

Veritas78

If a judge would actually put him in jail where he belongs, that mouth would not be so tiny.

sharethegrief

He has the same neck as Syrian hitman Assad. But if you put a blonde wig on him he could pass for Ann Coulter.

Terry

You know, but for some family money, Jimmy boy would be just another inbred looking halfwit pumping gas and trying to catch a look down women's blouses as he squeegees the windshields.

soojank

wait, you mean that isn't a mug shot?

I honestly thought that it was until I read this comment.

Fare la Volpe

It is a mugshot. It's from when he was caught hacking the phone lines of a Louisiana Senator.

The Amazon's Most Feared Fish: The Candiru is a terrifying fish, even when stacked up against its fellow river monsters of the Amazon. But this parasitic freshwater catfish does not instill fear by way of its monstrous size. On the contrary, it's small, eel-like and so translucent that it can be nearly impossible to spot in the water, which makes it even more terrifying. Some claim this fish is the most feared in the entire Amazon region, and the fear stems from the fact that it has a knack for finding open orifices and working its way inside. Once inside another organism, the Candiru feeds on its host's blood, becoming increasingly swollen. The Candiru is the star of an urban legend — which turns out to be true — of a man who was urinating in the Amazon River when a 6-inch Candiru swam up his urine stream into his penis. The fish remained there for days, until a surgeon was able to remove it.

The Most Horrific Candiru: Perhaps the most horrifying Candiru species of all is the Candiru asu. This small catfish is a voracious parasite. It uses its circular mouth and sharp teeth to bite flesh and then enter organisms, leaving behind a wound that looks uncannily like a bullet hole. The Candiru asu proceeds to feed on the organs, literally eating its victim from inside. Human corpses have been discovered in the Amazon filled with more than 100 of these river monsters. Scientists and coroners have determined that the victims may have even been alive and simply incapacitated when the Candiru asu struck.

…

And I'd like to see James O'Keefe be unable to find a surgeon until it's too late.

Veritas78

Okay, that's a good one.

C_R_Eature

I tip my virtual hat at you Soros, for finding an incredibly grotesque and pain-ridden fate for this one. This will make the choice of mine all the harder, but so be it. It's so worth it.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Today, we are all Amazonian Peen-Fish

bflrtsplk

No. That's too horrible even for … Wait this is James O'Keefe we're discussing.

Actually, what *I* would like is for him to find such a surgeon, who would then be required by the laws of the locality to perform a forced ultrasound and give him a 20-minute lecture on the procedure about to be performed.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but can't a candiru asu cause death in less time?

banana_bread

Frothy, I'm more than a little in love with this comment. And I'm pretty sure it's not just the sangria making me say that.

And make him wait 24 (or is it 72 now?) hours till you actually get the surgeon to do the “procedure”.
BtW this is an incredibly horrible umm “thing”, and equal to the degree I’ve been hoping for as justice for O’Keefe for his many infractions of the law and humanity. Thank you.

Fare la Volpe

Thank God I'm wearing a cup today.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Recognition of what a scum he is, followed by a complete renunciation of his "career" and an expose of the ideological hooligans he supported, after which the hyenas he used to love rip him limb from limb as Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow try, unsuccessfully, to come to his aid?

Chichikovovich

I like this one even better than the Amazon fish one.

C_R_Eature

On board the City of Glasgow. Enroute to New York City, in the North Atlantic, in the fog, in 1942. In the Twilight Zone.

Over and over. Forever.

HistoriCat

Rod Serling approves of this.

C_R_Eature

It's hard for me to pick a favorite episode, but this one's way up there.

gullywompr

Give him a roofie and fuck him.

Lascauxcaveman

The punishment should fit the crime, after all.

Tilley

You go first!

BaldarTFlagass

Completely ignore him?

C_R_Eature

Now, that's just Cruel.

Fare la Volpe

I'm in favor of a good old fashioned Amish shunning. No one is allowed to speak to him, look at him, or even acknowledge that he exists. His name shall be expunged from every record, his credit cards permanently terminated, every hint of a social media presence permanently blocked. He will not be allowed to enter businesses, own a home, or accept aid from any charity. Worst of all, he won't even be able to purchase the weapon that would allow him to end it all.

He will die of neglect within a fortnight. And the world will be better for it.

a post about Tori Spelling's pap smear that went horribly, horribly wrong.

Around these parts, we just call that Tuesday.

AlaskaGrrl

Not death. No, no, that might be an actual kindness to the boy. Gelding, I believe, a more fitting and equally long term solution to Master O'Keefe's problem with women. Or rather, the solution to women's problem wih O'Keefe.

Eh, the Chinese figured it out ten thousand years ago. The Death of A Thousand Cuts for the miserable piece of shit, after all he's put so many people through.

Wan SUI!

Redhead

Not saying that *I* want to, mind you, but look at his face – I mean, if someone hit him upside the head with a 2×4 once or twenty times, well, he's just asking for it, looking like that.

Blueb4sunrise

Is he still living in his mommies basement?

C_R_Eature

I believe so, but I wouldn't call that Living.

Terry

Daddy writes his bail checks, too.

Bonzos_Bed_Time

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Fare la Volpe

Court-ordered.

Tundra Grifter

Personally, a much more interesting weekend post would be more about "… your editrix has been dosed a time or three herself, and while at the time there is confusion and you don’t really realize what’s happened, once it’s over you know exactly what did."

Stictly as a cautionary tale for the young ladies out there, of course.

Terry

Agreed. I'm actually concerned about that revelation. I'm turning into a pearl clutching maiden auntie in my old age.

Tundra Grifter

Terry:

Thank you. The tone of my Comment certainly could be improved on. This is serious stuff and people need to be very, very careful out there. Yet not be paranoid.

I just read a story about men in the Castro (SF) being drugged and robbed by strangers after they slipped drugs into their drinks.

There's nothing funny about such crimes.

Callyson

then-CNN correspondent Abbie Boudreau (now with ABC News)…reported, in September 2010, that, based on documents and eyewitness accounts, James O’Keefe had planned to lure her onto a boat filled with sex toys and hidden cameras. The plan called for the boat to set sail with O’Keefe and Boudreau aboard, so that the reporter would be unable to escape, at which point O’Keefe would try to “seduce” her. The plan called for the “prank” to end with Boudreau in tears, begging to be let off of the boat.
I know I'd be in tears begging to get away from James O'Keefe well before the ship set sail…

More likely O'Keefe and his partner in crime would have ended up with multiple violations pertaining to several orifices. And maybe a cock slap or two with the 14-inch black dong for good measure.

C_R_Eature

It was a boatfull of Dildos, and O'Keefe. But I repeat myself.

neiltheblaze

It was a boatload of O'Keefe's is what you're saying?

Terry

You know, O'Keefe = massive black dildo might just deserve the Santorum treatment. Or perhaps O'Keefe = beaten to death with a dildo.

chicken_thief

I don't have a clue who Abbie Boudreau is, but if that plan had actually been hatched, I'd bet the family fortune that she would have kicked his ass all over the boat, beating him like the bitch he is until he decided on his own to swim to shore. Doesn't he own a fucking mirror?!!! Who does he think he is going to intimidate?!

C_R_Eature

Beaten to Death with a Dildo. Awesome! I wish I thought of that!

JohnnyQuick

"The plan called for the “prank” to end with Boudreau in tears, begging to be let off of the boat."

Guessing O'Keefe thought Ralph Fiennes' character was the hero of Schindler's List, which he found to be a raucous frat comedy.

Doktor StrangeZoom

In an email to the "Mediaite" * reporter, O'Queefe sez, "This is a blatant smear, But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life."

I dunno. I think that a complete lack of financial support and attention would stop him far better.

* I just hate that title. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard, a sound that I have actually heard, you damn kids.

gullywompr

I once decided to scrape my fingernails on the blackboard just to see what all the damned fuss was about. I still don't get it.

flamingpdog

You must have inner ears of steel, GW. I have a congenital hearing loss high in the nornal hearing range, but when I tried it once, I ended up looking like Rush Limpballs imitating Michael Keaton.

Geminisunmars

Was that Michael J Keaton?

flamingpdog

In a word, yes.

OK, four words, er, eight, oh fuckit.

fitley

I think his parents should beat him more. More often. And with malice.

Chichikovovich

I certainly do not wish death upon Mr. O'Keefe, however much the world would be improved by his absence. But I hope that when he does die, he becomes one of those ghosts like the invisible ones in The Sixth Sense who have no idea they're dead. Then he could wander the streets of major cities shouting increasingly frantically "I'm shocking! Look at me! At me!! I wear pimp costumes! Stop walking, damn you! Pay attention to meeeeee! …."

Just imagine this delicious scenario tailored to St. Sarah instead of Jimmy-boy.

AlterNewt

Somehow I think that you'd still be able to hear Sarah. She's just that good.

Doktor StrangeZoom

I see dumb people. Everywhere.

flamingpdog

DemmeFatale's comment make me think of a delightful way to punish both O'Keefe and Palin without killing either of them.

sati_demise

No one would hang out with James if he did not entrap & abduct them.

obviously

Callyson

James O’Keefe sent the following additional comment:
No, informing you about the existence of public court records — that speak to possible motive — was not my only comment to you. For the record, I break a huge story about dead people getting ballots in Vermont. You ignore this and two days later you bring up this issue which was dismissed months ago. You journalists cleary (sic) want my scalp by running lies and fabrications. This is a blatant smear, But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life.
Note: repeating the above idiotic rambling of James O'Keefe =/= an actual or credible threat. Just a fond wish…

C_R_Eature

What a Cunt.

chicken_thief

Yes, James. Your work is sooooo important. So destructive to the librul cause. Death would be the only way to keep you from your craft.

My grandfather got a summons to appear for jury duty after he was dead and when he didn't respond to it, the county sent a sheriff to pick him up. Shit happens. You'd think someone with a face like that would have figured it out by now.

not that Dewey

Sure, James, it's a real shame that the media is ignoring the evidence from Vermont. This evidence that shows that you committed voter registration fraud in an attempt to prove that it was possible to commit voter registration fraud. Well, "intent follows the bullet", as Jack McCoy would say. It hardly matters why you committed voter registration fraud. As to why the media is ignoring it, well, it doesn't fit with the right-wing narrative that ACORN!!1! , so therefore it's not newsworthy as voter fraud. You, James, helped to create the environment that allows this to be ignored.

Here in NM, we have a mini-O'Keefe, the husband of a Heather Wilson campaign staffer, who committed voter fraud by registering his dog to vote. This is after the TeaParty Governor and AG spent millions of dollars investigating what they claimed was widespread voter fraud among illegal immigrants. They promised that they would uncover 64,000 cases of illegal immigrants registered as voters. And what did they find with this fiscally-conservative investigation? They found two improper registrations — and one was a typo. Neither of the two had ever actually voted. Republicans prove once again that they are serious about vote fraud; serious about being fraudulent, that is.

Look, some people like being drugged. Some people like being scared too, or we wouldn't have roller coasters….and let's face it, being held captive is sort of in the eye of the beholder…shit, I got nothing here. Let's just rip his balls off, and then shoot him. See? I know how to take advantage when given the go ahead.

I think Peggy will be just fine with all that. After all, the lad has never, to my knowledge, used unduly coarse language.

Fare la Volpe

Or spoken with Mexicans.

GemlikeFlame

As repugnant as little Jimmy is (and he is), he's plainly neither smart enough or creative enough to come up with this stuff on his own. Who's pulling his strings? Enough lightning bolts to go around, but I want to make sure that we get all of the people responsible.

SpeedoFart

Crap.

I'm trying to work "skullfuck" into a witty almost-but-not-quite death threat against O'Keefe, but I got nothin'.

Hows about maybe a 2 ton crate of specially designated skull fucking skulls from Skulls 'r' Us should drop on his head, or maybe be tied to his ankle as he is dropped from a garbage scow into the Hudson, or maybe somebody could get a hold of a skull and put some glue (strong stuff) into the eye socket and send it to him as a birthday gift. Of course, that last one might not be fatal, just kind of funny.

DarwinianDemon

Now would Ron Paul consider this here an attempt at "honest rape" or just the regular slutty kind?

hilbillyheroine

Perhaps now that the Breitbart is wormfood, Jamie can team up with Rush??

Oh my, there could be serious consequences for these kinds of activities!

Doktor StrangeZoom

A boycott by O'Keefe's seventeen remaining supporters?

bumfug

You know that picture of Rick Santorum that's made up of thousands of tiny pictures of gay guys? O'Keefe looks like that except with pictures of limp-dick losers. He should never, for the rest of his life, get to fuck anything but the rotting corpse of Breitbart.

Man0nTheStreet

Win! Somebody get that Man/Womyn/Snark-Bot another green beer!

C_R_Eature

Rebecca! A Violence-Injunction Free Post! And what a richly deserving target, that duplicitous Ferret-Faced kept boy ratfucker! Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Well, as Soros has Rudely jumped in with my immediate idea (the horrific Candiru parasitic catfish) I may need some time to come up with something more Brilliant and Truly Disturbing. Invertebrate parasitology will probably be featured.

Off the top of my head though, a fitting death (with which I'm not truly satisfied ) is 凌遲; ( língchí) roughly translated as Death by a Thousand Cuts. An appalling execution method used in China until 1900 or so for those who committed really appalling crimes. With O'Keefe I think it's only just a matter of time.

I feel that the After-Death punishment needs attention, also. I think this evil O'Keefe abomination should have accumulated enough bad karma to become a 餓鬼 (èguǐ,) or ཡི་དྭགས་, ( yi dwag), the Hungry Ghost in Chinese and Tibetan Buddhist religion. Especially the Tibetan version. Spending Eternity as a being "…teardrop or paisley-shaped with bloated stomachs and necks too thin to pass food such that attempting to eat is also incredibly painful. Some are described as having "mouths the size of a needle's eye and a stomach the size of a mountain" Seems appropriate.

I think it's a good start.

Doktor StrangeZoom

The one thing he does not get would be death by snoo-snoo (roughly translated as Death by a Thousand Cunts)

C_R_Eature

Ah, but in My version, it would be The Death by a Thousand Vagina Dentata

Loaded_Pants

Nom nom nom.

C_R_Eature

X 1000

redarmyzombie

Can we mail him bullet ants? Please, I want to use bullet ants!

As for the afterlife, I believe there's another variant of the hungry ghost, who's punishment lies in that they can only consume excrement. Fitting, I think.

A richly-deserved, long-overdue federal prison term for the Landrieu break-in will help ReichFart Jr. get away from his problem with women… until he's forced to become one, but the prison shrink will help him/her adjust…

Barb

The worst fate we could dream up for this guy would be for him to marry Sarah Palin, assuring the rest of his life a living hell.

Guppy

But Sarah's a breeder.

JustPixelz

That would sure make Todd and Shailey Tripp happy.

flamingpdog

See my Star Trek suggestion above for an even longer term hell for the two of them.

He's been phenomenally lucky to this point and has dodged legal consequences so far (I know he's on probation, which is meh), but the day may come when one of the women he tries to get shifty with will have a brother or father or boy/girlfriend with other ideas.

Let him tell them that it'll take a bullet to stop him.

Rotundo_

The only luck he has had is rich parents and sponsors that have hired good legal representation to keep the little shit out of the big house. Some day he will cross a line where that won't get him out of the shit he gets into. He seems to like pressing the envelope, so it should be fairly soon.

JoeDombrowski21

O’Keefe was arrested in 2010 for attempting to tamper with phones in the New Orleans office of Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu. Three years of probation were a condition of his sentence. Since then, every trip the activist takes outside of New Jersey (where he resides with his parents) has had to be cleared by a judge.

I pray to thee, Akyooterrat, God of Squirrels, and beseech thee, direct thy squirrelly brethren to savage the blatherskite James O’Keefe with their sharp claws and pierce his scrotum with their rabid teeth when next the putz visits thy park. Glory to the God of Squirrels, his name be praised… Amen.

(It's like that demon on Buffy the Vampire said, "Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain!")

Doktor StrangeZoom

Sic Squirrel Girl on him!

flamingpdog

Wow, I Googled "Akyooterrat, God of Squirrels", and your comment came up first on the hit list!

That was D'Hoffryn, the lord of the vengeance demons. And yes, I know that from memory, including spelling (fuck I'm a geek).

Rotundo_

Jimmy has lead a charmed existence as the prankster prince of the conservative movement. When they no longer have need of him the fall is going to be swift and hard. I wouldn't wish it on most people, but this little gem richly deserves whatever he gets himself irretreivably stuck in, up to and including a concrete filled drum at the bottom of a deep wet place.

So, this means I won't get in trouble for postulating that James O'Keefe should be skullfucked with a rusted chainsaw and/or machinegunned, and/or countless other horrible painful ways in which he could meet his demise?

I've been rufied, my friends have been rufied – this sounds like rufies.

Basically, you're immobile. You might be able to kick with one leg or jerk an arm. It's pure torture. You're awake, but you're helpless.

Just like James likes 'em.

C_R_Eature

God that sucks. People suck.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Here's some nice furniture. Have at it.

C_R_Eature

Excellent! I've run out.

Pay you back on Thursday.

SorosBot

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. People I care about have been roofied; and upon hearing about it, I definitely wanted to rip the guys who did it balls' off. But then, I realized that was wrong; it's the victims who should get to do the ball-ripping themselves.

Oh, I am finding this fun, but I've got a lot of Rage to work through.

Re: The Minnesota Caucus. God, those prople are such Idiots! I wouldn't hire any one of them to cut the grass.

cheetojeebus

Dracunculiasis. Lots and lots of Dracunculiasis parasites.

AlterNewt

Not one who usually goes in for the vindictive 'ideating' stuff.

But you have to wonder what the effect would be of strapping him into a chair facing a giant video screen with the image of himself (from this post) while the following plays at, oh, 103 db on an endless loop:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr9x0lTTUi8

flamingpdog

Back in the Bush years, I used to fantasize about tying up Dubya to a chair in the Oval Office and putting CCR's Fortunate Son on an endless loop at oh, maybe 120 db, until he broke down and started babbling incoherently.

Oh, no, now Mr. Dildo-partyboat is a sex creep? What has the world come to? It is almost as if embracing a philosophy that essentially devalues all other lives except your own and those of fetuses and corporations has some kind of corrosive effect on the very soul.

Dashboard Buddha

How about a singing Candiru-gram?

If a fish makes you sick
When it bites through your dick
…that's Candiru!

This guy will continue tripping over his on dick until someone comes up with something substantial on him. Lets face is – he is a goon, or kook, whatever. I feel sorry for him just a little bit. Not that much though. Ok – he iust lucky. But I think he is the biggest horses ass out there. If he were my kiddo, I'de have him locked up.

Dashboard Buddha

As they say..some people just need killin'.

DustBowlBlues

It's still a valid defense in rural Oklahoma. And I'm not being all that facetious, either. 10 or 12 years ago an old man near my humble ranch was charged and tried for killing two trespassers whom he'd already told to stop hunting on his property. This time, their trespassing was the straw that broke the dam on the old rancher's vast reservoir of patience. I don't know if he fired a warning shot before he unloaded his shotgun and dropped 'em dead. Both of them men, I assume while yelling some version of "Run away. Run away," were shot in the back and killed.

He was tried in our county. After two hung juries, the prosecutor gave up. My husband, new to these parts, expressed some surprise at the verdict while drinking coffee at the local lumberyard. After a couple of chuckles, one of the guys told my husband, "Neither one of them old boys has ever been any good, even when they was kids." In short, they'd needed killin' fer a long time.

HistoriCat

At least he was tried. Near Houston there was a case where a man was shot in the back on someone else's property and the DA didn't even charge the shooter.

Negropolis

I remember that. Some guy's neighbor shot someone stealing some shit from the his own property. I even think he called the police and told them he was going to shoot the guy for stealing his neighbor's shit, if I remember this correctly. Crazy, crazy, shit.

I tell you, something similar happened here in Detroit where a man got home as someone was burglarizing his home. The burgler was clearly unarmed, dropped the property he stole, and proceeded to run away why the homeowner chased him a good two blocks before the perp stopped, turned around, put his hands up and begged for his life. The homeowner said something like "not today" and just cold shot the man to death blocks away from his property. Needless to say that the homeowner is in prison and all over some property that wasn't even stolen. I think like anyone, I sympathize with someone that's worked to get something and then has it stolen from them, but killing people over taking your property is never the answer. Never.

The accused has his very own self-aggrandizing website. Don't miss it! It includes this provocative statement [his punctuation]: "Currently Founder and President of a non profit helping youth (National Council of Americans, Inc. on a part-time basis)" I guess he's too busy for full-time since he's out raping. And that NCOA website reads as rather pedophiley to me.http://www.michaelkobulnickyusa.com/http://www.ncoam.org/

I was wondering if this got any play in the SD mainstream media and, if so, did it mention his tea party affiliation. Indeed it did. Not only was the Union-Tribune article headlined, "Sex assault suspect a tea party leader," but it also contained details missing from the Politicus article.

"Karen Grube, a tea party member, said Friday night she worked with Kobulnicky on several events and was shocked to learn of his arrest. Her initial reaction was 'this can’t be the same guy,' she said. The tea party is supporting Grube as a candidate for the San Diego Republican Central Committee, according to its website."

Hmmm… some pretty good death ideation, but I have in mind something more subtle. I would like to travel forward in time to the occasion of his coming out, and record it, then come back to the present (which just passed by the way), and show it to him. Oh alright fine, we'll throw in some Giuliani Time to keep him on his toes.

OK, now I will have to make that tomorrow (I held back a few Sprouts) instead of that shrimp, rice and hot pepper Caribbean .Thanks!

I have some great x-tra,X-tra virgin Olive Oil that will do nicely.

Barb

I always hold back a little bacon grease in the fridge for the sprouts.
Jeff likes to slip over to the competitor's casino every once in a while and he tends to win. He will come home and tell me that I can have ANYTHING I want and we always go shopping and he gets the snobbiest of cork caged fancy beers and I ALWAYS go for sprouts and some decent watermelon.

Currently cooking home-made empenadas which I've never tried before, so they might suck or they might be good. We'll see.

edit: wearing: old navy sweatpant and a grey t-shirt currently covered in flour because I've been making the aforementioned empenadas.

Barb

I was covered in flour earlier, Fukui. I wanted to bake a fresh loaf of bread for my outside birdies and I can't lift the Costco-sized 25 lb. sack of bread flour. It got quite messy. I just closed the French doors of my dining room and pretended that I didn't leave the room looking like Lindsey Lohan's bedroom.

Fukui-sanYesOta

You bake bread for your avian friends in the garden? That might be the coolest thing I've ever heard.

The empanadas were good, in other news.

Barb

Yes, I bake bread for the birdies. I also have 100 pounds of popcorn kernels and I make popcorn for them and I keep bird seed on hand. I've found that if I put the seed out the little birds will hang around forever and eat, pleasing the hawk that hunts them. If I give them chunks of bread they take it back to their nest and eat it.

KotBR

I suppose it's not surprising. I mean, what else is the guy supposed to do when good old-fashioned creeper charm and begging don't work?

EDIT: After actually reading the whole thing, I want to make clear that I'm not talking about the possible rape.

I am not sure that is not actually a very reasonable point. When you go to someone's house (especially a convicted criminal with a history of acting like a serial rapist/murderer) to plan illegal acts, bad things can happen to you.

C_R_Eature

"Congratulations, Mr. O'Keefe! You've been selected as a contestant for the brand new game show OW MY BALLS"

flamingpdog

There's a guy in Colorado now with much better hair than O'Keefe who's looking for a cellroommate.

Tilley

May I just say for the record how gratified I am, as a bona fide second-wave Feminazi/old hippie crone person, that OHMYGOD the "female" (i.e., subspecies) perspective is at long last getting some respect.

DustBowlBlues

I would tell you how funny this is, except I just dumped real, melted butter on some 97% FF kettle korn and don't want to get the keys buttery. Still . . .

flamingpdog

OT, but James Wolcott over at Vanity Fair has a great ass-essment of Rick Santorum.

I've had to create an Insane Debate account just to thank you for this. I have had this short story rattling around in my head for forty or fifty years now, and I never realized that it was written by Steve Fucking Allen, who I already idolize for multiple reasons.

Thanks.

C_R_Eature

Oh, you're very welcome! yeah, I know… Steve Allen! We forget what an incredible mind the man had.
I've been going up the wall trying to find it (mine was in an old paperback collection that has since Bit The Big One) and this just popped up in an idle search last night. Now you know, and I bet one of the online retailers will be able to float you a copy.

AbandonHope

I think the best revenge on Rapey McMugshot here would be to gaslight him… just fuck with his mind, subtly, to such an extent that he's so paranoid, agoraphobic and confused he can't leave his dildo-boat. Forget death. Death is way too good for such a pathetic little maggot. What he needs is his sanity broken, to be turned into a shambling, addled, borderline-schizophrenic shell of a human. Of course, simple psychological fuckery might be insufficient, so perhaps some heavy metal poisoning — a bit of mercury, a little cadmium here and there slipped into his food by sympathetic liberal wait staff — would do nicely. Just let it build up, nice and easy, over a period of time.

This is all purely hypothetical, of course. Complete and utter fiction. Ideation and all that.

Barb

I've never before mentioned anyone's comments that I "follow." I like the way that you think and I am going to follow you until you take out a restraining order that will stick. I like the way that you think and I would like to see you post more often, please.

If you have a Twitter account you should "follow" Wonkette. Get in here and mix it up with the rest of us, please.

AbandonHope

You have no idea how honored that makes me feel. I had to tell my wife and everything!

banana_bread

It's true! He was all like, "OMG BARB FOLLOWED ME!" even though I was clearly on the phone at the time.

Barb

Banana_Bread is your lady? That is so sweet. Jeffer is my husband and he like to pop in and hang around with us. Welcome to you both!

Tramped, did you see the "don't re-nig 2012" racist Obama bumper stickers? I am not going to glorify any of the websites that show them. It may or may not be for real and it may just be a Photoshop hoax. I hope I never see that bumper sticker for real.

I'm surprised I haven't seen it in my town yet. I will have to post a picture of the insane persons truck I go by everyday to work, more bumper stickers than paint.

Barb

Held together with Bondo and compressed rust.

Barb

OT: Rick Santorum Guarantees Victory In GOP Primary If He Wins Illinois.
"This is a primary, and turnout is everything. You do your job, you do your job, then this is the pledge," Santorum said. "If we're able to come out of Illinois with a huge or surprise win, I guarantee you, I guarantee you that we will win this nomination."
——————————
The mind boggles.

Jeffrey Grant, DVM

And if I win the lottery, I'll buy a solid gold toilet.

I've been robocalled by Santorum twice. I might vote for him for the lulz, but I doubt enough people will to make him win.

As much as Media Matters — &, to a point, Huffington Post — are a good for the left, the opportunism of Brock (after coming out) & Arianna (after being exposed as a beard), & now, Naffe (after being violated by fake Dr. Gonzo in very orifice), I am left to wonder why they have not killed the culture/sex wars for good. Is sexual trauma just that good a recruitment tool?

Fukui-sanYesOta

We're on an editrix pass right now, I think?

I would not be sad if every GOP candidate died screaming in a fiery vehicular crash. Preferably with burning plastic covering them to prolong the agony.

I do feel a bit of sympathy for young master O'Keefe. He is obviously a case of arrested development, a child in mind and spirit, who has neither matured sexually nor rejected the teabagger worldview of his parents.
I think we should find out who they are and shame the fuck out of them for foisting this pathetic little snotwad on the rest of the human race.

DahBoner

"the night in the barn"

Hey!

I thought sheep couldn't write books???

not that Dewey

Has anyone mentioned the torture/execution device from Kafka's In the Penal Colony, in which the text of the guilty party's crime is engraved into his skin while he rotates on a spit? It lasts about 12 hours, and the condemned is often said to experience an "epiphany" during the process. It may do James some good. Plus, the text of his crimes would be so elaborate and convoluted that we'd be sure to fill his entire skin, maybe with 6pt type?

Doktor StrangeZoom

Considering his base of support, I do hope that the inscription will be in ALL CAPS, with lots of misspellings.

not that Dewey

The original indictment will have been selectively edited, so we'll need to go back a second time with the "in-context" version.

C_R_Eature

No, you're the first! Thank you for reminding us of this Most Excellent (and appropriate) story.

That beats my idea of a backwards "ASSHOLE" tattoo on his forehead.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Which, of course, is reminiscent of the character in Snow Crash with the court-ordered forehead tattoo reading "POOR IMPULSE CONTROL."

C_R_Eature

Yes. I think society would be a far safer place if that was made mandatory, as part of community service. Please work up a position paper.

not that Dewey

Propose it in the form of a tax credit.

Please enter the amount from Line 14, Form 8752, The Neal Stephenson Truth in Self-Labelling Act of 2012. If you do not have such a tattoo, enter 0

C_R_Eature

Good idea! You must add, though:

If you are a Tea Partier or reading this document for them, please make your Mark here: ( X )

not that Dewey

FEMA Reeducation Camp Campaign

Check here if you, or your spouse if filing jointly, want $3 to go to this fund. Checking a box below will not change your tax or refund.

C_R_Eature

Failure to file by the deadline will incur severe Civil and Criminal penalties, up to and including fines, garnishment of wages, hangup calls at 3 A.M. suspicious cars parked across the street, black Helicopters. Fluoridation, Abduction, Anal Probes, Microchip insertion and forced Spanish Language classes.

AlterNewt

Death by snubbing.

oldedinvn

Way off topic or sumthin.
I wadn’t not drunck enough earlier.
What does a person do when an old frien that is Jewish starts backing the farthest right wing Rs?

Speaking of the joyous schadenfreude of the malingering deaths of some of our favorite tightie righties, beloved TP reports that Rush the penultimate douchenozzle Limbaugh is down to just 10 advertisers including the NY Timez. The effing Gray Lady doesn't advertise on teh Wonkette but she's one of the dregs still with adverts on Rush??!!??

For all the ladies out there (and the cuter of the men). When out at a bar drink only beer directly from a bottle opened in your presence and do not let go of it until it is gone.

Date rape drugs work.

Biff

I would wish for young Master James a situation similar to that of Terri Schiavo, except he should be fully conscious, able to watch fox news 24/7 from his hospital bed, yet unable to perform in front of a camera or microphone. Bonus points, Bill Frist can diagnose him sane from video tapes of his head exploding as he realizes his fate, every day.

"Hey, I could always drug someone and rape them" has never come up as a plan for things to do on the weekend. And I have been pretty bored sometimes.

Seriously, this criminal scumbag is treated like some kind of hero among the conservatives? That says a lot about their mental health and general morality.

mimininos

I have always gotten a very strong Lee Harvey Oswald vibe from this guy

Mr Pre-Press

Keefe is still riled about being Breitbart's rent-boy.

JohnHoffman

Were those red eyes Photoshopped, or has our manboy O'Queef been into the chronic?

The Molten Soul

I do not wish a painful death upon this jackass. His previous crimes against humanity do not even matter to me any longer. I now only care about the ruffie allegations. If he did in fact rape or try to rape one (or more) women, then I wish for him an excruciating life.
He should be passed around in prison like an appetizer at Applebee’s. And he should be fully conscious…