Ask Dr. Val: Why Can't I Lose Weight?

Dr. Rob has done a wonderful job of answering many difficult questions right here on his blog (such as “Why does my husband think that putting ketchup on tacos is a normal thing to do?”) with many profound insights. Today I’d like to follow in his great footsteps with an “Ask Dr. Rob Val” question.
As some of you may know, I am leading an online weight loss group (called “Lose 20 Pounds”). I have been trying my best to “lead by example” by actually following the 3 recommendations of my own program and commiserating with the members about the process.

The most frequently asked question in my group is: Why can’t I lose weight? I’d like to answer that question here with more candor than I’ve been able to muster elsewhere:
The Law Of Conservation of Mass

Students of physics, and doctors who were not asleep during all of their pre-med classes, will recall their professor’s lecture on the “law of conservation of mass.” This law of physics states that: “matter cannot be created or destroyed, although it may be rearranged.” This is the primary reason why no one can truly lose weight. The law of conservation of mass means that even if you do lose weight, someone else has to gain it, because matter (fat) cannot be destroyed, only rearranged.

So to begin this discussion, you should realize that no one’s going to truly lose any weight – weight is never lost, it’s just transferred elsewhere. The name of the game is how to give that fat to someone else.

Ways To Transfer Fat To Others

1. Friendship

First of all, you probably have friends or relatives who have figured this out a long time ago. You’ll recognize them by their “gifts” of cheesecake, cookies, or any chocolate product. They regularly shower these on you, describing them as “caring gestures” and occasionally wearing clown outfits to distract or disarm you. But make no mistake, this is nothing more than a fat transfer ruse. You must resist those gifts and tell those sneaky friends that you simply will not buy a new wardrobe of clothes to accommodate their “generosity.”

2. Food

Secondly, there is a little known food industry conspiracy – yes, that’s right, a conspiracy – designed to transfer fat on a national scale. This strategy began with a team of physicists who recognized that the only way to remain thin (Have you ever seen a fat physicist? Did you know Ramona Bates was a physicist? I rest my case.) was to keep the fat transfer going through an organized approach.

Back in the 1950s a small, renegade group of physicists broke away from the search for advanced nuclear weaponry and turned their attention to applying the law of conservation of mass to maintaining thinness for themselves and their future families. This was the group that first conceived of the “super size” movement, best embodied by the American muffin. In the 1950s, muffins were the size of a “donut hole” and now they’re the size of a 9-month- old’s head. Just check them out in your nearest Starbucks if you think I’m exaggerating. If you’re lucky, you can find a 9-month-old and a muffin in there at the same time.

3. Sloth

Thirdly, fat transfer may be achieved by assisting people towards inactivity. The Association of Escalator Manufacturers hosts a secret conference each year to plan a strategy for fat transfer in subways, airports, and large buildings – especially malls in the Midwest and New Jersey. Occasionally they invite splinter groups like the Segway Association of America and the Jet Ski Manufacturers Guild. Keeping people from walking, taking stairs, or swimming are great ways to ensure a constant pipeline for fat transfer. When this pipeline dries up, the inactivity militants know that there will be no further recourse but to enter the fast food business.

So there you have it my friends, the cold, hard truth about why you can’t lose weight: it's a matter of physics. The best you can do is give your fat to someone else. As for me, I’ve been baking cookies… would you like one?