Journalist, entrepreneur and marketing firm founder. I write about higher ed and early career issues. Pithily. I was pontificating about Millennials and Millennial culture back when they were still known as Gen Y.

The Worst Cover Letter In The World And How To Avoid Its Mistakes

His name is Mark. He’s a junior at NYU and last month he submitted a truly terrible cover letter in his bid to land a summer position at J.P. Morgan. Never let it be claimed that investment bankers don’t have a sense of humor, because apparently his note has been forwarded the length and breadth of Wall Street to a chorus of hearty guffaws. Even the likes of Gawker and Business Insider have seen fit to poke fun at his over-the-top hard sell.

But what exactly makes his letter so cringe-worthy and how can everyone from would-be interns and rookie job seekers to mid-career pros pounding the pavement after an unanticipated lay-off avoid the same mistakes that made our aspiring investment banker a viral laughingstock? Read on to find out.

Skip the pointless bragging

“That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.”

While the folly of mentioning your fitness routine should be self-evident, you can skip including the GPA, too. And the discussion of the classes you’ve excelled in and the laundry list of adjectives to describe your awesomeness. Your cover letter should be concise, targeted and should focus on what you can and will do to contribute to your potential employer’s success. Unless the job you’re applying for involves heavy lifting, leave out the gym stats.

Don’t make it all about you

“J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and rightest[sic] in finance. I know that the employees in this firm will push me to excellence, especially within the Investment Banking division. In fact, one of the supporting reasons I chose Investment Banking over any other division was that I know it is difficult. I hope to augment my character by diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley, and I feel I have much to offer in return.”

Not only does Mark mention two different companies in this paragraph (a dead giveaway that he’s been shopping the same cut and paste letter to multiple firms), he speaks only in the broadest of generalities about the company he aspires to work for. He doesn’t demonstrate any knowledge of their operations and doesn’t include any details about their latest newsworthy accomplishments or give an indication that he’s so much as browsed the corporate website before firing off a resume. Your cover letter isn’t about you; it’s about what you can do for the company. And you can’t effectively discuss that without speaking in specifics about their business and how you can strengthen it.

Know when to quit

Mark’s letter is six paragraphs long. The more you write in a cover letter, the more opportunities you have to turn off the hiring manager by including information, details, typos or awkward phrasing that will land your resume in the circular file. Your job is to get in, make a good impression and get out again as quickly (and in as few words) as possible. Let your resume do the heavy lifting when it comes to selling your skills. The cover letter should only be long enough to introduce your most relevant experience, demonstrate how it would concretely benefit the company’s operations and provide a brief closing that confirms your interest and availability for further discussion.

Don’t get sloppy

There are typos in Mark’s letter, as well as missing words and the ultimate faux pas of the mixed-up company names mentioned above. If you can’t sustain a professional level of communication in a one-page note, it makes you seem careless, uninterested and sloppy. These are not qualities anyone hires for. Proof your cover letter fanatically and get at least one additional set of eyes to review it on your behalf. And for God’s sake, don’t cut and paste the same letter for every position.

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Wondering if this is the fallout from telling kids they need to make their college applications/job applications more interesting. Glaring mistakes notwithstanding, this seems like an unintended result of “Make yourself stand out. Don’t just recite your academic accomplishments!”