Alrighty. I would have thought it would be obvious that public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation, but every once in a while I’ll stumble onto a picture like this one on Reddit:

and these sorts of images remind me of two things.

Some people either don’t realise they should not masturbate on public transport, or they literally can’t help themselves from doing so.

Some people aren’t aware that they don’t have to sit quietly beside someone as they furiously masturbate in public and ignore it like nothing’s happening.

So, for those of you who didn’t yet know this… you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! Now, onto those of you who know you’re not supposed to masturbate on public transport but you do it anyway, go see a doctor and tell them that. They will be able to lead you towards either a psychologist or a psychiatrist who will attempt to treat you for that, because seriously, you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! even if you really, really want to.

As for point 2, I would to make this very clear to everyone here and now… you do not have to politely ignore that someone is jerkin their gherkin beside you!! You can get up and walk away, or politely ask them to stop, or contact the driver/conductor etc, or call the police, or security or whoever, but you don’t have to just put up with it!!

To me, putting up with someone giving themselves a pants party in the seat beside you is only slightly less crazy than actually being the person who’s decided the 7:30 train home should take a detour through pleasure town. There are times when you’re completely within your rights to yell at a stranger and I’d rate having my seat-mate start spanking their monkey is definitely on the list. I mean, you can start with a polite clearing of the throat first and progressively work your way up to a full fledged scream if you don’t want to run the risk of accidentally verbally abusing someone who has had an unexpected attack of ants biting their genitalia, but I’d suspect those false alarms are the exception rather than the rule.

Crazy bitch tip: If you or someone else is crazy enough to start masturbating on public transport, please take plenty of photos so the police have a lot of evidence to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

To be honest, I kinda think if you know someone well enough to differentiate the taste of their semen based on days gone without ejaculating, you’ve got a very tight-knit relationship going and that’s sort of nice. With that said, it’s still going to sound weird if you question your significant other’s masturbational frequency based on the taste of their man-goo.

Crazy bitch tip: A lot of people are going to assume you’re a crazy bitch if you start using your knowledge a cum-connoisseur as evidence to prove or disprove the statements of others.