﻿﻿﻿﻿﻿﻿This past Sunday, I was signed up to do my sixth half marathon in 2015. I've been on a quest to do a half marathon a month for my 50th year. I have no idea if they even held the half marathon I was signed up for, and I definitely didn't make it there.﻿﻿﻿My plan was set. I was going to go up to Parma on Saturday evening, spend the night at my friend Deb's house, then get up early and run. She and her husband were planning to be my cheering squad. It is a very small half marathon. Last year they had about 100 participants.

I was very excited to complete my sixth. Half way to my goal of twelve in twelve.

Leading up to the race, I received an invitation for my friend Amy's 50th birthday party at her place up on Lake Erie, for Saturday ay 4:00 pm. I knew I couldn't make the party and get to Parma by 8:00 a.m. the next morning, but I thought I could go up the night before and help her celebrate on Friday. I'd have plenty of time Saturday to take the ferry back to Port Clinton, then drive to Deb's, hydrate, and get to bed early.

The storm said, very funny. Good luck with your plans, mortal.

So there I was, on Put In Bay island, watching huge waves crash over the dock. The wind was the worst I'd heard in years, and reminded me of Virginia Beach hurricane days. Huge oak trees were being uprooted. We had Forrest Gump sideways rain. Umbrellas turned inside out the second you walked outside. And due to all of this, ferry service was cancelled completely on and off the island.

As it sunk in that I was not going anywhere, I kept thinking about my overnight bag that I'd left in the car on the mainland. It had my running shoes in it, my headphones, my heart rate monitor. Everything I needed for the race that I wasn't going to make it to.

What will this do to my goal? Marie wrote, "Do 13 laps around the island and I'll buy you a margarita!" That's an option, I thought. A little too windy at the time, and my running shoes are across Lake Erie, but maybe when I get back.

My friend Adam used to say to me, "I've got my flex pass." It meant, whatever happens, I'm flexible and can go with it. It will work out. Sitting there stranded on an island in that storm, I felt like it took some digging at the bottom of my bag to find my flex pass. I wanted to do my run! Then I thought, do I really? The weather for Sunday during the race was forecast to be 25-35 mph winds and heavy rain.

If you do fitness long enough, you are going to get hit with a storm. A powerful tropical depression that sits right on top of you and spins wind and rain all around you. Your storm may be an injury. It may be an illness. Surgery. A devastating loss. An empty nest. You may fall far off track, or quit entirely for awhile. We cannot get through life's journey without storms.

I believe we can weather them. But big storms require preparation and faith. What does that look like in life? It is dedication to our daily practices. It's commitment to honoring our health and well-being no matter what and digging at the bottom of our overnight bag to find that flex pass. It's having strategies in place to get back on track when things get rough out there. And it's knowing that every storm ends and behind it is peace, calm and clear. It is then that we find our way home.﻿﻿Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. - Philippians 4:6-7 The Message﻿

What you can't be with, won't let you be."I'm sure you've found this to be true. What you can't be with won't let you be. No matter how hard you try to get rid of an unwanted emotion -- whether you eat over it or drink over it or shop over it or work over it -- it will always keep coming back until you allow and invite the emotion, the feelings, the thoughts, the fears and the resistance to be as they are." - Debbie FordI'm working with a coaching client, who is doing great with her workouts and healthy food choices. She's doing everything right, all day. Then just before bed, she eats enough calories worth of ice cream to counteract all the hard work and healthy choices she's made that day. She really wants to lose weight, but this cycle of sabotage has her in its grip.No amount of controls, workouts, food tracking, strategies, programs, diets or anything else can stop it. She is not in control of her choices at that moment. Something else is driving her decisions.We talked about it for awhile. Typical advice sounds like this: Don't keep ice cream in the house. Work on portion control. Use a small bowl and small spoon. Only have ice cream if you go out for it. Try low fat, low sugar, frozen yogurt, suck on an ice cube, chain yourself to the sofa.I understand completely about setting up your environment for success. However, strategies do absolutely nothing to heal the compulsion. There is no freedom in putting more controls in place. Even if you are chained to the couch, you are still craving.I don't know about you, but I got so sick of hearing about ways I could control it all. If you are addicted or under the power of a compulsion, it's unbelievably hard to control it. White-knuckling my way through life was not appealing to me. But I didn't believe there was any way to be free, either.I was wrong.What you can't be with, won't let you be.Here's what I had to do. Here's what I still have to do. If I feel like my healthy choices are suddenly being undermined by the saboteur within me, I have to sit with whatever emotion I am feeling.If I'm bored, I have to allow myself to be bored.If I'm angry, I have to feel the anger.If I'm sad, I must allow myself to grieve.If I'm lonely, I have to fall to my knees and say, "I'm lonely."If I am filled with fear and anxious thoughts, I have to be with them.The issue is escape. Every time I tie off the vein and load up the syringe (or scoop up a heaping bowl of ice cream) to escape, it only puts off the inevitable. Emotions do not get processed by avoiding them. There's a support group saying, "You must feel it to heal it." Corny, but really true.It's difficult, but if I can do it, you can do it. We have to find healthy ways of processing our emotions, instead of avoiding them.I'll never forget the day I decided I was going to stop running away. It was around ten years ago. I climbed onto my couch and crossed my legs, and said to myself, I am going to sit with my grief. And I allowed it to wash over me. The pain of losing my parents, of not having them for support, for milestones, for conversations. How it rocked my sense of security to the core. I sat with it. I didn't eat. I didn't pour a glass of wine. I didn't text a guy. I didn't shoot up or snort anything. I didn't turn the TV on. I didn't read. I sat with my grief.I know you feel like if you do that, you won't survive it. That was my fear, also. But I did. The wave didn't even last that long. It was intense as it moved through me, then it evaporated. As it did, a sense of peace washed over me that I had never experienced before. Ever.That was the beginning. I try to consciously invite and be with whatever it is I'm feeling, and when I can't figure it out I call someone I trust to help me process it. It's the only way to stay rooted in my peace. It's the only way to keep my life from being sabotaged by buried emotions.Today is father's day. I sat on the couch for a few minutes to think about my dad, wondering what it would be like to have him with me in this life. He's been dead for 36 years. People are celebrating their dads on Facebook, which is great. I wanted to sit with that. I wanted to check in with my own heart to make sure I didn't need to be with grief again. Tonight, for some reason, all I could do was smile.I have learned to be with that loss. I have learned to be with my grief. I no longer need to escape. I am so grateful.

﻿This Saturday, I am starting a monthly support group. I just posted the first event on Facebook, and there is a lot of energy around it!

Every time I've given my seminar, there are many women who are hearing the truth for the first time. It's absolutely upside down from our culture. Our culture says, get thin and you'll be accepted. Truth says, understand you are already accepted. Our culture says, get thin by dieting and you will heal your self worth. Truth says know your worth and your food compulsion will heal.

I think the support group setting is one of the most powerful healing tools available. I had been to many therapists before I went to a support group. For me, there was something about hearing other women's stories. I listened to them and heard them describe in detail what they thought was wrong with themselves, but it became clear to me that nothing was wrong with them. They were just wounded. As I listened to them, I became clearer that I wasn't defective or damaged, I was just wounded. Wounds can be healed.

It does take courage.

I will never forget the first time I spoke in one of these groups. I was shaking. Snot was coming out of my nose. I looked straight down at the floor. But I pushed through it and told my story. I was sure that I was the worst any of them had ever heard, and they were there to share but not stuff like THIS. But I pushed through it and told my story. I was sure that they were going to have looks of horror and condemnation when I lifted my eyes. Nope. All love. It came at me like a wave. Love and grace flooding my shaking, snotty self.

When you experience that kind of acceptance, it's pretty hard to keep thinking, "I'm not accepted."

When you experience that kind of love, it's pretty hard to keep thinking, "I am unlovable."

When you experience that kind of grace, it's pretty hard to keep thinking, "There is no grace for me."

I hope you all experience that kind of radical healing. Breaking off the chains of low self worth and knowing the truth. You are accepted. You are loved. There is grace for your past.

I was doing some reading this morning about Tabata style workouts and how they originated. It's been really fun and effective to make them a regular part of our workouts at the studio. I posted some good stuff about Dr. Tabata and his research on the Clear Rock Facebook page, if you are interested. As I was reading the study, it got me thinking. I read a lot. I love articles and blog posts. I love research studies and textbooks, even. There is so much written about health, fitness and nutrition. I'll bet there are a million blogs posted every day. Opinions are everywhere. Stories are everywhere. Advice is everywhere. It can be hard to wade through all the information. Let's take Tabata as an example. In 1996, Dr. Tabata tested some Japanese Olympic speed skaters, to determine the difference between hour long aerobic workouts and eight rounds of four minute high intensity exercises on VO2max and anaerobic fitness. The result was the group of research participants that did the high intensity interval workouts improved their VO2max measurement and anaerobic capacity significantly more than the other group. That's pretty cool. For an Olympic speed skater. But what does it mean if I want to reverse osteoporosis?What does it mean if I want to lose weight?What does it mean if I want to improve muscle mass, improve balance and posture, and boost metabolism?What does it mean if I want to run a 10k? Or a marathon?What does it mean if I want to keep my heart and lungs healthy?What does it mean if I want to get off high blood pressure meds?What does it mean if I want to heal a lifetime of compulsive eating and distorted body image?What does it mean if I want to feel better about myself? There are as many goals as there are humans. We all have a unique path. When someone asks me what kind of workout is best, I answer with, "What is your goal?" Without that personal information, there really is no straight up answer. It's complicated. There are some basic truths with health and fitness. We need strength training, especially as we age.We need aerobic exercise (time in zones 1-2) for cardiovascular health and weight management.Plant-strong whole food is better for you than processed food.Water, sleep and stress relief are important. After these, it gets personal. What is your goal? What do you like? Who are you? You can develop strength with all kinds of workouts and tools. I have held a yoga pose so long I was shaking and dripping sweat. No weights required. I've used kettle bells, the TRX, Nautilus machines, a BOSU, bands, barbells, medicine balls, and much more. They all have their usefulness. You can develop aerobic fitness by dancing, swimming, walking, running, the elliptical, biking outside, spinning inside, Zumba-ing, and many others. What do you like? What gets you to go? What's safe and effective for you? What gets your heart rate in the zone? I think what happens, is people get very passionate about what works for them, so they write about it. And they "should" all over their readers. You should do this, and you should definitely do this. I remember a therapist I had once gave me a pin that said, "Don't should on me." It always cracked me up. The way to write about these things (and read about these things) is to add the oh so very important words, "for me". Yoga works. Yoga works for me.Running works. Running works for me.Running solo works. Running solo works for me.Running with a group works. Running with a group works for me.Kettle bells work. Kettle bells work for me.Hoisting large rocks overhead works. Hoisting large rocks overhead works for me.

What works for you, doesn't necessarily work for me. I love reading about adventures in fitness and figuring it all out. It's a wondrous process of getting clear on goals, understanding limitations, and developing a personal plan that takes all that into account. But I always keep in mind, "Don't should on me." I have issues. I went through grief and loss very young. I had a weight problem, food issues and I was a heavy smoker. Actually, I was an equal opportunity user. Food, cigarettes, drugs, boys on motorcycles. If it made me feel better, sign me up. I was diagnosed with a serious kidney disorder. I'm through menopause. I struggled with my worth for years. And I am very rebellious. Put all that together and what kind of fitness plan pops out? Mine. The one that works for me, for now. I am sure it will evolve, just like I have. What plan works best? The one that works for you. Haven't found it yet? Haven't put it all together yet? That's quite alright. Keep going. Keep trying new things. Add, add, add. It is much easier to develop a solid fitness plan, or a weight loss plan, with a tool box overflowing with good stuff. But across the top of that tool box needs to be written a few reminders. This is mine.I am doing something here, and I am immune to criticism or judgment about it.I may not have it all together yet. Who cares.I will keep going. Left foot, right foot.I will find what works for me.I will love myself for me. For me.

﻿﻿﻿I have one of those full length mirrors upstairs in my bedroom that tilts. When I set it straight up and down, the reflection looks normal. But if I tilt it back some, the reflection looks a little taller and thinner. A friend of mine once looked into this mirror and remarked, "This is a skinny mirror!" Don't I know it.

Some days, I feel pretty good about myself and how far I've come. Some days, I can look at my body with compassion and kindness, without judging every little fat cell, scar and blemish. Some days, I throw on an outfit and go. Some days, I'm rooted in acceptance and unconditional love for myself and others.But some days, I feel just awful about myself and can only see my missteps, not how far I've come. Some days, I look at my body in the mirror and judge the hell out of it, using my thoughts to berate it. Fat. Scarred. Blemished. Some days, it takes trying on six or seven outfits before I decide on an old faithful one. One that doesn't call attention or stand out or make me feel like I'm trying too hard. Some days I'm soaked in criticism and judgment.

When I am looking in the mirror and seeing myself through the lens of criticism and judgment, here are the steps I think I need to take:

Immediate food restriction

Punishing workouts

Get out the scale and measure

That's always an option. I've done it before. But then I remember one key piece of information. At my very thinnest, I didn't feel better about myself. In fact, it was one of the lowest self-worth periods of my life. So, if I can't solve how I feel about the reflection in the mirror by burning off this lousy fat, what am I supposed to do?

Here are the steps I take to get back to my authentic self:

Talk to someone I trust to hold space for me while I process this crisis of self-worth. Say, "I'm feeling like crap about myself." I want someone who won't try to fix it for me, (no advice, please!) but instead has the capacity to say, "I understand completely. I've been there." And will give me a hug or fix me a cocktail.

Take off the lens of criticism and judgment and set it down. Get off the merry-go-round. This involves a surrender of my current state of mind. When I say, "Holy Spirit come!", it begins a shift in my mind from judgment to acceptance. From criticism to love. Meditate, pray, dance, walk in the woods.

Receive love and forgiveness. To do this, I close my eyes, stretch my arms wide, and remember how much I am loved already. How forgiven I am already. And how this love and forgiveness has nothing to do with my weight, my body fat percent or my reflection in the mirror. By grace alone I am loved right now, as is.

Then, it never fails. Once I am back to my true self, healthy eating comes more naturally. Going for walks becomes almost automatic. And I look forward to my workouts again, knowing they don't have to be extreme or punishing to honor my health and my life. And they don't have to burn off two pound this week, or else I've failed.

Some days we feel strong inside and out, and the reflection we see is one we love. But some days, we lose our spiritual footing and begin to see a distorted reflection in the mirror. Don't be fooled. It's not your body that needs fixed. It's not broken. It's not you that needs fixed, you're not broken. This is a battle in all our minds between judgment and acceptance, between fear and love. Love works! So commit to your daily practices that support you staying rooted in love and acceptance, of yourself and others.

As you practice daily, you will see the reflection in the mirror differently - from that miraculous place of grace and peace. And on days that you don't, remember how to get back. By going within. And on those days that you struggle, I think it's OK to tilt the mirror a little, so you can see yourself how we all see you. As beautifully and wonderfully made.﻿﻿﻿