Thursday, December 6, 2012

Bob recently told me “At times, a phone call from a woman colleague will trigger jealousy for my honey. It may seem ridiculous to me and also annoying because I don't do anything consciously or on purpose to trigger her jealousy, so I remind myself not to react or overreact and instead to simply reassure her that she is the love of my life. There is no other. But oddly enough, I actually get a little excited when she gets jealousy because it's just another reassurance, in a funny sort of way, that she really does love me."

Then I asked him, "So do you have some doubts whether or not she loves you?"

Bob thought for a moment and said, "Not really. I mean, I suppose I have as many questions about my lovableness as anyone, but I consciously work on that. You know, if I don't think I am lovable, why should she? So whether or not I think I am lovable is totally separate from whether or not she loves me, and the fact is she shows me in all kinds of little and big ways that she loves me, and in my rational mind, there are no doubts about it."

Isn’t that interesting? So the key here is he is aware of where he stands with himself about his lovableness, and at the same time has no doubts that she loves him. So what happens if he gets lost in his own estimation that he is not lovable and then on top of it, doubts that she loves him.

Ah! More interesting. Her jealousy will feel controlling and constantly trigger his insecurity. Wow! Think about this and talk about it with each other.

Sometimes, when one or both of you are expressing a lot of jealousy and trying to control the other person's activities, it may be an indicator that there is a BIG ONE in the relationship, a BIG ONE that you both chose to bury and the BIG ONE, as can be predicted, has finally buried you.

So what is a BIG ONE? A Big One is one of those over-the-top events in your relationship that you both chose not to deal with for whatever "good" or not-so-good reason.

So check out both Chapter 16 “The Big One,” and Chapter 19, “Rituals For Healing and Forgiveness.”

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

We think of a prearranged marriage as something that happens in foreign countries or cultures or something that happened in the “old days.” BUT many folks are in prearranged marriages. How can you tell? Well, lots of different ways, and a PREVIOUS BLOG addresses this topic and gives us an overview.

One type of prearranged marriage described in that blog is the “stuck couple.” In this marriage, neither partner likes the other nor the relationship itself. But they see no way out, and they believe there is NO way out. Somehow, the relationship is in cement (prearranged in that sense), and like the mafia solution when all else fails, the couple prefers to die in their cemented relationship and literally float to the bottom. Yes, they choose to live on the "bottom" of their relationship among all the whale poop, sunken ships, buried treasure, and a host of strange under water animals that will never see the light of day. You can only imagine what all this bottom debris represents in the relationship.

No one, not even God, says one or two must drown in their own ocean of despair, bitterness, anger, and resentment. God only said, let no man break up what God has brought together. The cement, that now holds you fast is perhaps a clear indication that God didn’t bring you together in the first place. Or if you insist that God did bring you together, then acknowledge that the two of you together systematically destroyed the relationship. It is okay to recognize and acknowledge the the relationship is no longer, and perhaps never existed in the first place. It is time to mourn either what we thought we had or perhaps what we did have. Time to mourn and let go.

This is not about divorce nor whether or not divorce is okay or a solution. This is simply recognizing that sometimes we try to build a sacramental relationship where there are no building blocks for such a relationship, or if there was, then we, for whatever reason, destroyed the relationship. It’s not healthy or Godly, to continue to pretend and to try to make something out of such destruction.
What do you think?

About Me

I am 71, able to walk four miles in an hour, and am learning the wisdom of doing less distance and more stretching! I am a product of the Great Depression. Scarcity is my best friend. Abundance is a new friend whom I'm getting to know better and better. I studied to be a priest and still hope to live long enough for priests to be married and OLD! My most recent book, From The Frying Pan To The Jacuzzi, Gourmet Recipes For A Gourmet Relationship. Find it on Amazon.