Recap - "Much a DUDE about nothing".

Night 6

You know the best thing about Chuay Gahn?
Right Clay, they clicked, they’re a family, and their personalities gelled right away.
Ghandia is so happy to be on Ted’s team. It’s like having her hubby “homeboy” there with her, chillin’. Ted’s great, he’s just great, he’s so good to hug.
Ghandia does a little hugging motion with her arms to emphasize this point.
She’s so happy to be there, with Ted, hugging Ted, snuggling Ted, lying with Ted. Ghandia knows that the best thing about Chuay Gahn is it’s Tedaciousness, it’s total Tediocity.
They sit arm in arm around the Chuay campfire.
Take a deep cleansing breath folks and take in a big fat lungful of what we call “foreshadowing”.

Sook Jai – Day 7

It’s raining. Everyone is hunched up under the shelter apart from Stephanie who’s lying on the beach in the pouring rain drafting a memo to a Fayetteville letting agency.

Dear Sirs,

Please arrange for someone to lease my house as I have decided to move permanently into my garden.

Cheers
Steph.

The Sook’s do look a little miserable. Even Robb bemoans his lack of energy …. dude.

Survivor always provides us with a horrifying injury/complaint or two.
Colleen and her bug bites, Tom and his boils, John and his sea urchin spikes.
When Jake takes off his shoe to reveal what looks like a slice of ham on the bottom of his foot we know we can add “Jake and his amazing blisters” to the list. I’m telling you, it’s a Survivor cardinal sin not to keep yourself as dry as possible. Check that first aid kit Jake, unroll a tampon if you have to just keep your feet dry.
Hmmm, second thought, we still haven’t had the gross food challenge………

What do we know about Penny?
She’s petite, has reasonably good taste in swim wear, big big teeth, one sticky out ear and an insatiable urge to mention food at every given opportunity.
They haven’t caught any fish so Penny decides to torture herself with the image of “a big plate of cheese and crackers”.

Jake informs us that they cannot get the net to “work”. Hmmm, that might be your biggest mistake Jake, thinking the net is mechanical.
There are few more pitiful sights than the one tiny little fish roasting on the Sook Jai fire.

Little Billy See momma, I told you “Goldie” wasn’t dead when you flushed him down the toilet.

Robb wonders where the fish he eats everyday comes from.
My guess? The local sorority house.

Back to Chuay Gahn.
Hmm, something’s up. Ghandia’s depressed – not enough quality Ted time I’ll wager.
For those who are still holding onto that cleansing breath, now marks the time to exhale.
Apparently Ted’s been getting “all up on Ghandia” (anyone care to translate?)
Ted put his arm round Ghandia, which met with her approval. Then he started to get “sexual”. He sees nothing wrong with a little bump and grind and was at it like R Kelly at a Girl Scout rally. Presumably if Ted wasn’t married and hadn’t just had a daughter Ghandia would find this appropriate, he is and he has – she doesn’t.
You apparently “can’t do Ghandia like that”.

Ways in which you can do Ghandia.”

Chapter 5.
It is important to realize that Ghandia touching your inner-thigh, snuggling up to you and sleeping locked tightly in an embrace with you should in no way be taken as an invitation to “do” her.
She will let you know the appropriate time by launching herself at you and burying your head in her cleavage.
Warning: Failure to recognize the “do me” stimulus could result in increased waiting time, so please keep your wits about you.

Ghandia decides the attempt to be “done” by Ted cannot go undiscussed so they decide to clear the air. Ghandia confronts him with the alleged “all up on-edness”.
Ted makes a somewhat lame excuse about forgetting that he wasn’t in bed with his wife.
He apologizes profusely.
Great, lets leave it there then.
Uh-no Ghandia talks about it some more, about how she feels trashy. Ted says she shouldn’t, he apologizes profusely.
Good, lets leave it there then.
Ghandia starts crying. Ted apologizes profusely. Ghandia accepts his apology, they “hug it out” and Ted says they should not sleep next to each other anymore.
Good, let’s leave it there then.

Obviously none of us really know what went on and I certainly don’t want to make light on anything serious that might have happened.
Whether you believe Ghandia, Ted or are reserving judgment, I’m sure we can all agree
the pink underpants stuck to the cave throughout the exchange are the work of Brian.

Everything is sorted.
It’s through, over with, done and dusted.

Despite the total absence of tree mail the Survivors know it’s time to convene for the reward challenge.
This challenge has at least four rules making it all together more complicated than usual.
The object is simple though, cross an X shaped bamboo structure and steal objects from your opponent’s second boat. First team with ten objects wins.
Pretty simple really.
So, with the Sook’s sitting out Jake and Erin the game begins.
Stephanie and Clay start to make their way across the X.
The Sook’s go into an early lead and the challenge has been somewhat uneventful.
Now, I should tell you that Jeff explained to them, in great detail, the purpose of the “attack zone” (an area clearly marked by a gold edged black cloth).
If you and an opposing tribe member are both in the attack zone, you can…well… attack them.
Ted is in the attack zone on all fours. Robb faces him deciding whether to “take him on”.Robb You gonna stand up and punt me bro?Ted gonna do what I gotta do baby.

Robb nods, he respects that. Ted is talking his language. Robb foolishly charges Ted, Ted flips him into the water. A good clean challenge.
Pretty simple game really isn’t it?
The younger more agile Sook’s go into an inevitable early lead.
Can you remember Survivor Marquesas when the Rotu lost the reward challenge to the four “man” Maraamu tribe?
What follows next puts that loss in the shade. This isn’t just a loss, this is a freakin’ loss.
Ken is dq’d for attacking Helen outside the zone, plus the Chuay’s get to take one of the items the Sook’s had already collected. This prompts dual single finger salutes from Robb. Robb is then disqualified for trying to strangle Clay – the chokehold is regulation but he was outside the zone so he’s gone. His parting shot is to call Clay a whiny baby because as we all know, crying out when you’re being strangled by someone twice your size is so totally not cool. Another item to Chuay. Steph is dq’d for downing Ted when she wasn’t even on the X let alone in the zone, another item to Chuay and Jed is sent packing for his attack on Brian, which was again outside of the zone.
Chuay win the challenge and get the help of two Thai Red Berets for 24 hours. Cool.
Ghandia is so happy with the win she takes Ted’s face in her hands and plants a kiss on his cheek. Excellent, everything’s forgiven then is it?

The sorry looking Sook’s traipse back from the challenge.
Robb decides it would be a good idea to deliver a pep talk, during which we learn that Clay is a whiny little punk ….dude, Robb wanted to spit in his face ……dude, they’ll kick ass when it comes to the IC……dude.
Clay is a “backwoods hick…….dude.”
Smart comment when over 50% of your team is from the South.

Dammit, they could have won this game if it weren’t for those pesky rules. Robb, I feel your pain……dude.
Thankfully Robb didn’t really want the Red berets to come calling at the Sook Jai camp anyway – unless they bought “a big turkey” with them. Hmmmm, must be mating season.

The Red berets arrive on Chuay beach and promptly show them that literally everything they have there is edible, leaves, berries, sand, the cave, there’s doesn’t seem to be anything these chaps can’t utilize to rustle up a hearty meal.
It’s a love fest at Chuay. That little Ted/Ghandia thing is all over with isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Apparently not.
Ghandia has decided that despite accepting Ted’s earlier apology, despite kissing him in the boat after the RC, she now no longer thinks his apology is genuine.
She corners Jan and Helen and proceeds to tell them some of the details.

Can we please just have a moment’s silence for Jan’s arse?
It clearly died in 1975. Uh, can you tell her as I’m really not good at that sort of thing?
Just let her know it’s dangling back there – lifeless, so she won’t try and cram it into her swimsuit anymore. Cheers.

It comes as a surprise to me that Helen seems to lap up the news, nodding in agreement and interjecting little comments of support as the story goes along.

Ghandia admits in a confessional that she told them every single detail apart from one trivial little thing. Hmm, what was it now? Oh yeah, the fact that Ted apologized – and that she accepted.

Thankfully we briefly cut away from the Ghandia train wreck to check in on the Sook’s.
As we have seen in previous weeks Jed thinks building the shelter is pointless, it’s far more important to get food for the tribe. So important in fact that when it comes Jed’s turn to watch the fishing net he decides the best way to do it is 300 feet away in the middle of thick bushes, facing in the opposite direction, with his eyes shut – snoring.
Goodbye net.

There’s a potential sex scandal in Chuay camp, who are you going to seek counsel from?
Right, Brian.
Like a 13 year old telling Suzie that Bobby’s dumping Kathy ,Helen rushes off to tell him everything she heard from Ghandia.

Helen Oh my God Brian, you totally have to listen to this.Brian Uh , ok.Helen Ted’s like a total freak.Brian Huh? Helen Oh yeah, he was all up on Ghandia, all over that thing. Grinding up on her, smokin’ that ass. He wanted to hit it, he wanted the junk in her trunk. You don’t do Ghandia like that you know.Brian Uh, alright then. I’ll talk to you later Helen.

Day 8

Brian is wearing the smallest tightest swimsuit I have ever seen. It seems to have a ring pull fly for easy access no doubt– how inventive. Brian has decided that the best idea is to hear both sides of the story. He says you have to remain cool, like Cool Hand Luke – or at the very least like his remake, “Cool Hand Job”.
So Ted tells Brian about the Ghandia situation, Brian is happy with Ted’s explanation, he tells Helen, Helen tells Ghandia, Ghandia has a tantrum.

Have you ever been so co-dependant that you feel embarrassed on behalf of someone else? This is how I feel about Ghandia’s tantrum. It was stomach churningly embarrassing.
She stomps off down the beach, a feat in itself with an arse that size on wet sand.
She’s screaming, throwing rocks, “liar” – splash “cheat” – splash, “butt crack showing every damn day” – splash.
Uh, but crack showing? Didn’t you say he reminds you of your own dear husband “Homeboy”?
Ghandia’s antics prompt Clay to accurately name her “Crazy lady”.

A group discussion during which Ghandia makes more accusations that Ted “knocks out of the park” by yelling “I’m not even attracted to you” (killer put down bug guy) resolves nothing.
That was probably the most embarrassing few minutes of my life.

Thankfully we switch to the Sook’s where Shii Ann and Jake have found tree mail.
Jake proceeds to read it in his tired Southern drawl……. hick.

The challenge has been named “Temple Transfer” and is one of those logic puzzles on a grander scale. The teams need to move a six-piece tower from platform 1 to platform 3, via platform two. They can only move one piece at a time and can never put a smaller piece on top of a larger piece.

What can you say about Erin?
Touted as an early boot, silicone enhanced airhead, Sarah Jones wannabe, Erin appears to be anything but.
Erin is actually pretty smart, Erin has aligned herself with the larger Sook Jai splinter group. It’s one thing to have a crush on Ken Erin, it’s another thing to have a freakin’ crush on him.
The Sook’s have decided it’s time to cut loose some excess baggage.
The challenge is on the beach, Steph immediately lies down and goes to sleep.
Ken and Penny sit out the challenge, but Shii Ann, Erin and Jake might just as well have done too for all the effort they put into it. Jed is left flailing with only Robb to help him.
Masterful – a deliberate loss.

Back at camp Robb is doing his very best to ensure Shii Ann is booted – she’s weak and uh, she gets in his nerves……dude. He’s convinced that the majority of the tribe will be voting for Shii Ann.

So, to TC.
Ken manages to successfully write “JeD on his card despite calling him “JeB for most of the show.
Dental boy is extracted from the tribe for being lazy, losing the net, not doing anything to help out at the camp, laughing at the others – the list goes on.
Robb’s a little confused on this “majority” thing, “like three’s more than five right?”

So the sun sets on another overly-hyped episode.

Next week on Survivor.

Ghandia decides that she totally over-reacted to the incident with Ted.
Brian has both hands visible at all times.
Robb is given the Nobel Prize for literature.