President Trump’s United Nation’s Address

Look, I’m not wearing any headphones, it’ll mess up my hair. Besides if these mooks don’t speak American then they’re losers and I don’t need to hear what they’re saying. And take some bleach to that dais, I don’t think all of these guys understand soap. And I’m using my own microphone.

Hello UN. This is your landlord, President Trump. Looking out across this audience I can see why the world is going to hell in a handbasket. I don’t see how most of you got past the TSA at Kennedy Airport. Anyway, let me get right to the point.

THE GRAVYTRAIN IS OVER.

I’m closing this place down. I’m sick of paying for you bums so go home. Now!

There’s an airline ticket for each of you and cab fare to Kennedy. Don’t bother packing. I’ll have your crap shipped back to the useless countries you’re from. Once you’re gone I’m gonna demo this dump and disinfect it for a couple of years and then Trump Corp is going to put up a 400 story building here. It’ll be huge. Once you freeloaders are gone and no longer clogging up the streets, I’ll be able to get a cab without resorting to Uber. From now on don’t call us we’ll call you.