Vampires Suck ... and so does this film

Friday 15 October 2010 09:03 BST

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer were responsible for Epic Movie and Date Movie, so it was always unlikely that this bald parody of films such as Twilight would be a model of sophistication. The pair could be called distant relatives of the Zucker brothers without their sometimes mordant wit. Vampires Suck aims low and hits some astonishingly awful marks.

It puts us down in the township of Sporks, Washington, where it seems that vampires and werewolves are the normals around. Becca (Jenn Proske), who has a father (Diedrich Bader) clearly unable to distinguish a fond hug from a kick in the crotch, goes to the local high school and thinks about how to get rid of her virginity, possibly at or after the school prom.

Edward (Matt Lanter) and Jacob (Chris Riggi), both handsome with their shirts off, are her favoured candidates but one appears to have chosen celibacy and the other is saddled with strange nipples and a tail. Both, of course, like blood for breakfast but at least have the taste to be repelled by flatulence.

Does all this appeal to you? Perhaps, but beware of some really dreadful acting and a directorial style that piles on the special effects without considering that some of them should have been left to fester on the cutting-room floor. The film is, in fact, cut into little pieces that stack up in frightfulness until you wonder whether its editors have taken leave of their senses, or maybe just given up. These vampires do, indeed, suck.