“Far from poisoning the mind, pornography shows the deepest truth about sexuality, stripped of romantic veneer.”

If I want romance. I’ll rent out a rom-com.

Intimacy in porn dries out my cunt. Intimacy in porn makes me want to throw up over someone.

The #MeToo campaign has brought the issue of sexual consent, into sharp focus. And as a rape survivor, no one could be happier than me.

Yet the waters become murky when we try to apply this rigid structure to sexual fantasies. ​The sex-positive movement boasts ‘inclusivity’ but the inclusiveness is only of an ‘approved message’.

According to the Oxford Dictionary. Sex-positivity is having or promoting an open, tolerant, or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality.

The sex-positive movement champions safe, healthy and consensual sex. It prides itself on being inclusive and non-judgmental. Which theoretically I subscribe to.

But in my own personal experience as a sex-columnist, sex-blogger, rape survivor and promiscuous woman -- I have not found this to be the case at all.

If your sexuality and self has to be ‘toned down’ to be included, that’s not equality... or inclusivity!

Both should be a given and not something you get because you ticked all the appropriate boxes.​

I don’t tick all the appropriate boxes.

My sexual brand often conflicts with the PC narrative that is being peddled, so my voice is regularly silenced or dismissed.

Sexual acts that I regularly participate in and write about include: sex facials and double penetration. I also fail to mention ‘contraception’ in my sex blogs because I'm selling a sexual fantasy. I’m not teaching a sex-ed class.

I’m continuously told, that I must be traumatised from my sexual assault. I must be mentally ill. I must be suffering from a bad case of internalised misogyny.

It’s not my sex life that is criminal. The criminality lies in the denial of my sex life. This neglect and denial by others makes me turn to pornography even more.

Hardcore porn has made me realise that I’m not a freak.

All those fantasies I’ve been having in my head since I was a little girl (prior to watching any porn, may I add) are in other people’s heads.

Hardcore porn has helped me to accept my curvaceous body by seeing girls with similar bodies idolised, desired and cherished.

Hardcore porn has shown me that there are other women out there that feel celebrated rather than demeaned when participating in hardcore sexual acts.

Hardcore porn has given me ideas on how to be more creative during sex.

‘There is some reasonably good evidence to suggest that increased access to pornography and violent entertainment make society better off by providing an outlet for aggressive, anti-social urges’.

I have to say, I agree with this sentiment.

In 2017, I wrote a column for iNews UK on how sex-robots could benefit women and society. The use of them by pedophiles and rapists could help prevent sexual assaults on women and children. I think hardcore pornography benefits society in a similar way. It provides a sexual outlet for people’s dark base desires.

The anti-porn movement says pornography ruins human relationships.

Well, I can only speak for myself. But pornography has only improved my sexual relationships. It's helped to open up dialogue between me and my partner/s. And has inspired exploratory sex.

The anti-porn movement says that pornography is akin to adultery and cheating.

It's TOTALLY natural to have sexual desires about others when in a relationship. As if you’re going to be excited about the same cock or pussy forever. Give me a break!!! Cheating would be if you acted on those thoughts.

“When I was introduced to pornography, I finally found women with my body type celebrated and sexualised. I saw porn as a space where I could express and explore my sexuality, and have my sexuality celebrated rather than criticised. Porn was the first place I saw my body represented positively. Porn was the first space where I saw people being celebrated for having sex with multiple people of varying genders. When I started performing, I finally found a space where I could pursue my passion with like-minded, sex-positive peers. I feel like I belong in the adult industry. I work with people that think about sex, sexuality and sexual creativity in the same way that I do. I can’t see anything else quite like porn for me”

***

I find porn incredibly empowering. I spend a minimum of two hours a day consuming it. It makes me so happy.

Perhaps if I’d chosen porn as a career 20 years ago instead of acting, I would have finally found my tribe. People who think about sex and connect to sex in the unashamed way I do.

Instead I’ve spent the last two decades as an actress and writer defending myself to the conventional nuff-nuffs who can’t see outside their own bubble.

I agree with everything you've written. Hard core pornography almost surely reduces sexual violence and frees the imagination. It is a Good Thing. However, let me go off on a slight tangent:

We're having a bit of a scandal here in New York. Our Attorney General (that's the highest ranked prosecutor in the state), apparently a good guy who has supported numerous feminist positions, has resigned because of at least four reports of his abusing women. While the behavior described is assault, plain and simple (he did some pretty bad, pretty violent things without anything resembling consent), its remarkable resemblance to many BDSM scenarios is interesting. Now it’s pretty obvious that he KNEW what he was doing was assault–he did it with four separate women and resigned immediately upon being accused–but why did each of these women stay with him after the first time he busted out one of his moves? Is it possible that a combination of BDSM porn and the mainstreaming of simplistic BDSM literature has confused a lot of people as to what is or is not appropriate? After all, porn has mainstreamed an awful lot of activities that once were seen as degrading (e.g., facials) or inconceivable for “normal” people (e.g., double penetration, asphyxiation, and more). To what extent has the (perfectly sensible) reluctance of the kink community to come out caused civilians to try to do things (and allow others to do things to them) they don’t really understand?

Without blaming the victim or apologizing for criminal behavior, I think the kink community--and those involved with it commercially (e.g., the porn community, both those who make it and those who consume it)--now has some obligation to step up and educate the vanilla community as to what is and is not appropriate and for the more sexually forward parts of the media to report this information accurately. On the order of 1000 people die in the US each year from erotic autoasphyxiation. Inadequately understood kink kills people. How many are being injured or killed because of this ignorance? Those who know most about kink need to be part of the solution. In your writing, you can be part of this socially important kink network.

Hi Alan. Thank you for your very interesting reflection. I agree that the kink community, porn performers/creators and sex writers (well in your case Doctor as well as columnist) have an obligation to educate the vanilla community. I do agree with you. But there's a big BUT :) It's complex because what ends up happening, in educating, pushing sex positivity and political correctness to a degree -- is sex becomes sanitized. It is getting harder and harder for me to get my sexual voice published. And when I do, editors either water it down OR balance out everything to the point that my argument is lost! For example, this piece you've just read -- I pulled it from where it was going to be published...because the edits from the editor, changed my message. I was told I shouldn't quote Camille La Paglia (because of something she said about trans ppl).... give me a break! The publication wanted me to bat for the other side in the piece. Which would have lost the point all together!! Which is why I pulled it and published it on my blog. How do we go about educating and having an obligation....WITHOUT curtailing and losing our own sexual freedom? That's what I would really like to know. Vanessa

And I don't know how your kinks and sexuality work. But I rebel. It's my natural go-to when I feel TRAPPED. All this PC on steroids will achieve -- is kinky people will become kinkier. It will drive darkness. Much like having vanilla sex with someone after experiencing the highs of kink. It's got no taste... its nothingness. I can feel myself heading into the abyss. From Chained and Confused. LOL

Reply

DrAlanK

30/5/2018 08:47:18 am

Tried to reply earlier but the connection wasn't working.

I myself am but moderately kinky. So there are manacles on the bed but no spreader bars, multiple mattresses available in the house but no St Andrews Cross, double-ended dildos and pegging gear but no paddles...you get the idea. There is, in short, no real risk of lost control--go ahead, tie me to the bed in the middle of a party, but make sure I have someone with me to keep things from going too far.

You, I suspect, prefer to go too far.

And yes, we should all be allowed to go as far as we want (within obvious safety limits); the excitement lies at the edge, no matter where your own edge is. But the edge is a dangerous place and people who do not know the rules or appreciate the risks can get hurt. People who live there--kinksters, pornographers, sex workers, those bored with wearing safety belts--have an obligation to help others understand what life is like out there.

This is NOT being done. Logically, feminist writers, directors, producers should be creating edgy material that clearly defines consent, and even "nonconsentual consent," to keep aggressive sex from turning into sexual assault. Instead, much of what is defined as "feminist" porn is gauzy, watered-down, and plot-heavy--not much more than Gothic novels with shaved pussies. I refuse to believe there really is a market for such material--surely anyone seeking an erotic thrill wants something more exciting that what they're already doing--and even if there is, mainstream publishers already provide it. That all porn ignores female pleasure is a myth--just look at the movies created by my hero Stormy Daniels for Wicked Pictures. The world does not need watered down erotica; it needs fierce sexuality chained by consent.

Sex is dangerous. If the writing (and filming etc) we do about sex is not also dangerous we are telling lies. But if we do not also emphasize the difference between imagination and reality we end up with bruised and murdered women.

I babble. But what we call "hard core" pornography taps directly into how our bodies perceive sex and thus may be our best tool to teach about sexuality. Certainly, pretending that sexuality is a Hallmark card has no chance to succeed at all.