An unidentified person has offered $8.75 million cash–more than the asking price–for Bernie Madoff’s beachfront home in Long Island. Bidders made sealed offers for the property, and the realtors say they won’t reveal any more details until after the deal closes. The house is supposedly very fancy, but if we lived there we’d just tear it up looking for hidden piles of cash. This is why we can never have anything nice.

It’s Saturday night! Let’s party! …But where? Oh, I know. I heard that there’s this foreclosed Malibu beach house where a Wells Fargo manager is having some killer parties. Well, at least until ACORN had to go and ruin everyone’s fun.