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Kale

Look how healthy that shit looks.

You might not know this by now, but kale is superfood. This does not mean super tasty food as I foolishly once assumed. It means that it is super good for you. Beyond this blanket statement of being healthy, I really have no idea how kale affects my body, nor do I really care. All I care about is how much of those leafy bastards I can stuff into my gut because they are going to make me healthy.

Mentioning my explicit consumption levels of kale to people is met with two different types of responses every time. Here is how my conversations usually play out.

Me – “I usually try and pound back a bundle of kale every day.”

Simple1 – “Oh that’s great, kale is so healthy!”

Me – “Ya I know.”

Foodie2 – “It’s not good to eat that much raw every day you should cut back to a few times a week. They’re super high in oxalates! Don’t want you getting kidney stones”

Me – “I hear those little fuckers feel pretty good, probably healthy to give the ol’ jap eye a good stretch once an a while anyways.”

To be honest, my body is generally pretty fucked already so a bunch of rocks coming out of my cock wouldn’t be the end of the world; especially when I’m sitting in my castle at 104 years young. I’m ready to make minor sacrifices to get superfood benefits.

When I eat a head of kale it doesn’t make me feel healthy. Regardless of what I decide to do after, I usually feel like shit. That being said, some post-kale activities are far worse than others.

I once decided to eat an entire bunch immediately before setting out on on an evening jog. It seemed like a great idea at the time. How about I combine the health benefits of kale and running! I made it roughly 2 km from my house before I realized that something might be wrong. The spring in my step abruptly disappeared as my gut became a makeshift war zone. My body was preparing for battle against the influx of leafy greens splashing around inside.

At first, I thought i was going to shit myself for sure. I was now 2km away from a toilet and not happy about it. I could either run faster and risk leakage or slow down and risk a major blow out. As I sped up to a full on shit sprint, that crafty fucking kale went for a sneak attack.

If you have ever seen someone with their asshole clenched projectile vomit a head of kale at full sprint, you either have awesome friends or you were living in Kitsilano during the summer of 2013. This was one of those scenes that would have been appalling for a stranger but hilarious for any of your friends to witness.

I made it home without shitting myself. That night, it became clear running was far too dangerous for me. Kale remains an important part of my healthy lifestyle.