I found out about the A when my WH threw his cell phone on the bed and there was a text from "Allen" that said, "Hey baby." I asked him about it and he said it must have been a wrong number. While he was in the shower I read the text messages. "Allen" was a friend of mine and I figured it out because she mentioned her daughter.

Do you think some WS's subconsciously want to get caught? I find this hard to believe.

Yup! Interesting. I had two therapists tell me this.
My WWF had a year long A. Towards the end of her A, she was becoming more and more obvious.

During my first few therapy sessions alone, both counselors advised that she wanted to get caught. They claim its text book and happens for one of two reasons:
The WS is tired of hiding and cant cone clean, or they had the A due to built up resentment and want u to catch them to hurt you. Moreover, they advised that most of the time when the WWS is getting screwed in the marital home bed and the BS walks in and catches them, my counselors said some times it is subconsciously preplanned. I dont know if I believe it, but its good food for thought. People in the fog are so screwed up, there just is no telling whats going on in their heads.

The one time my WWF agreed to one session of MC, she said she would give me a lame excuse to leave then drive to the OP's house knowing he was not home in hopes I would follow her to catch her. She said she was worn out and wanted it all to be exposed, but couldnt tell me because she did not want to hurt me. BS, she didnt tell me because she is a liar down to her very core and she defaulted to lying.

Weird. Poor poor soul. She was so tired of keeping up with two relationships.

My STBXH is a PA. Not diagnosed, but he matches every symptom.
He told me he was relieved he got caught. So, depends. Some get careless or cocky, some are just dumbasses, and some want to get caught.

or they had the A due to built up resentment and want u to catch them to hurt you

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:06 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2834 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ

naivewife♀ 38375Member # 38375

Posted: 2:53 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

WH said that the final month of the A was one attempt after another by him to somehow get out of it without OW going crazy (she was already nuts) and confronting me. He also said by that final month he became very risky, and wasn't even trying that hard to hide stuff anymore. He doesn't recall ever consciously deciding he wanted to get caught, but he reached a point of "I don't give a damn" futility. Like all was already lost. By the end of the month he confessed to me, but even that was unplanned, he just sort of puked it out. And that was that. I think they're so out of touch with their own brains at that point that they're just sort of skidding through life, out of control.

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

My H confessed when he thought I had found a secret email account. (I was pretty clueless. . . I may have figured it out eventually, but dday wasn't that day!)

He maintained that he felt that the gig was going to be up that week -- and he, too, felt like he couldn't get out of it without me, and I think was ready to let it go.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2505 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA

Ostrich8034827Member # 34827

Posted: 3:07 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

I think its over confidence. If you hadn't any signs and weren't questioning him or snooping, he probably thought he was so smart and you were oblivious, he didn't need to be careful.

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5404 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest

lost and weary♀ 33433Member # 33433

Posted: 3:12 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

i'm so sorry that you are dealing with this mess. ours said that too. she said that he may as well spread out pictures of his affair and laid them on the coffee table. he was calling texting her and we had a plan that was NOT unlimited texting. i paid the bills so i had access to the detailed bill AND i had for several months been expressing concern about the extreme rise in the bill and asked him to please get his friends to not text him yet the bill continued to rise. so it looks like to me he just didn't give a crap. counselor said maybe he wanted to be stopped bc he couldn't do it himself. i don't know if that is true since i have found out multiple times that he is still trolling for pictures of her and every time i find out and shut down his line of access he seems to find another way and just when i think well i've killed every avenue this last time showed true desperation and i found he was going through my facebook page to get to her pictures from a mutual friend and also read some of the emails that were exchanged when i was trying to find answers to my never ending well of questions. so what does that say? that he wants to continue to get caught over and over again so i will finally take my children and leave? is it a stupid vile addiction? he knows this has killed a part of me yet after each apology he finds a way to do it again. obviously me finding out doesn't stop him so he should get a clue that that isn't working. i guess he is pushing to see how far he can do it so i will leave and he can say well she left, not me. maybe she is her soulmate. if so i wish he'd leave and get it over with and leave me to heal. i'm afraid this last time has killed almost all my love and respect for him. it's sad. i wish you all the best.

me-bs, 41
him-fwh-39
married 17 years, together 20
daughter-10, son-4
ow-34, married co-worker, with 2 children close in age to mine
ea lasted 7 months til d-day-april 21, 2011, NC since that horrible day.
attempting reconcile
d-day 2- january

Posts: 194 | Registered: Sep 2011

scaredyKat♀ 25560Member # 25560

Posted: 3:34 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

I believe it can be true, and, like so many things, is individual. My SAFWH always looked to me to solve all problems, even as he resented my competence. He left a lot of clues, which I, in my own state of denial, rugswept.

Maybe the self destruction cycle is so overwhelming without having the thrill by that time, it just destructing further. Final .

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1320 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome

cancuncrushed♀ 28156Member # 28156

Posted: 5:02 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

Maybe the self destruction cycle is so overwhelming without having the thrill by that time, it just destructing further. Final .

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1320 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome

Tickingtock♀ 41411Member # 41411

Posted: 5:04 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

I think WSs love drama and love the possibility or threat of drama. I think WWs especially like the idea of their husband storming in and fighting for them. It's the kind of thing that happens in movies!

Me: 31, xBSO, Now happily married

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

Posts: 257 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA

RealityStinks♂ 41457Member # 41457

Posted: 6:00 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

I've wondered the same question. I don't think they want to get caught because "I wanted to stop". If they wanted to stop, they would on their own. I think they get caught because of "the fog". Let me explain with my situation.

In my case, I think my WW has rewritten our history, and her life, so much so, that the A seems "normal" at this point. Why do you hide normal? I think their "fog" construes reality to the point that they (the WS) forget what they're actually doing is wrong and needs to be hidden. That's when they get caught. They become comfortable with their new normal.

Let's face it: If they wanted to stop/get caught, they would just tell us (the BS), and we'd make darn sure it stopped. Plus, when they were caught, they would come clean immediately (that's what they wanted, right?) instead of TT us to death like I've read on here so many times (and partly lived myself).

There's not a doubt in my mind that my WW did NOT want to get caught. It wrinkled her image BIG time, and there are potential major consequences for her if certain people find out all the details. She just got lazy and comfortable with her new "normal".

Just my two cents.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013

struggling16♀ 33202Member # 33202

Posted: 6:58 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

My WH said this not long after Dday.

I call baloney on that. I think that's his way of saving face because he was stupid enough to get caught red-handed. He has said that he was done with the AP yet there he was reading the AP's texts 15 minutes after WE had sex. He simply was cocky and lazy and thought he could get away with it.

Posts: 746 | Registered: Aug 2011

bufffalo♂ 21854Member # 21854

Posted: 7:05 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014

Do you think some WS's subconsciously want to get caught? I find this hard to believe.

I believe it...they are called "exit affairs'....conflict avoiders will have an affair....hoping to get caught - sometimes subconsciously....therefore using their affair as a means to end the marriage, knowing/hoping the BS will end it for them....AND avoid having to deal with the real reason the marriage ended..