1. A Cop in Every Classroom. Campus security is the cornerstone of UCMeP’s election campaign. To date, ASUC has been far too soft on campus terrorism. If elected to serve, UCMeP will work hard to protect students from themselves by doing everything we can to further the administration’s wildly successful project of criminalizing student activists. Within days of taking office, UCMeP promises to implement the “A Cop in Every Classroom” program, a plucky new plan that will dramatically increase the number of police officers patrolling campus. As has become standard campus protocol, these cops will be fully armed with live ammunition, rubber bullets, tasers, and phallic truncheons. UCMeP’s plan will require one cop to be stationed in every classroom on campus. They will be ordered to do what they must to ensure the proper campus comportment of all students, faculty, and employees. And you can be sure that — like UC Berkeley’s administration and the Faculty Senate — UCMeP will not hold these cops accountable (let alone legally liable) for any of their actions while on duty. After all, while Chancellor Bobby Birgeneau, Professor Chris Kutz, et al have repeatedly reminded the campus community that there exist clear “limits of protest,” this does not mean there should be “limits to police responses to protest.”

2. Rename Campus Buildings to Reflect Berkeley’s New Identity. UCMeP will work to rename prominent campus buildings to better reflect the new direction UC Berkeley is currently barreling down. To start with, we will change the “Martin Luther King Jr. Student Union” to “Jonathan Poullard’s Anti-Student Union” in recognition of the inspiring commitment our Dean of Students has repeatedly demonstrated in revoking the civil rights of UC Berkeley students. While we are at it, we also will change the “Cesar Chavez Center” to the “Regent Dick Blum Center for Impoverishing Union Employees and Minorities.”

3. Put Parking Meters on Bike Racks. Putting the “fun” back into FUNdraising!

4. Fill the Bear’s Lair with Fast Food Chains. For far too long, UC Berkeley has been far too supportive of its local community by encouraging independent vendors to sell their tasty food on campus. This has sadly come at the (literal) expense of corporations like Panda Express who really need and deserve the business that is being stolen from them by working class families. This is why, if elected, UCMeP will waste no time in replacing the affordable food options currently available in lower Sproul with the shiny facades of deeply soulful corporations like McDonalds. (maybe we can even get a combination Pizza Hut/ Taco Bell!).

5. More Buildings/ Fewer Students. This plan is a corollary to the Bobby Birgeneau-approved “High fee/ High financial aid” model which in the long-run will provide increased bond collateral to build giant buildings on campus that no current (or future) student will ever benefit from, all while pushing out any and all middle class students (yay!).

6. Host a “non-political” Celebration of the Free Speech Movement’s 46th Anniversary (with free sample of Naked Juice!). UCMeP hopes to build on Will Smelko’s biggest accomplishment during his tenure as ASUC President: the purposefully “non-political” 45th anniversary of the Free Speech Movement. Despite the fact that half of the 300 people who showed up to this December event were there to protest the shameless exploitation of Berkeley’s radical past, we all got free samples of Naked Juice!

7. Eliminate Tenure for Faculty. Eliminating tenure will certainly end most of our financial woes. We promise. And let’s eliminate all union pension plans too. We don’t need to explain why this is a good thing. Isn’t it enough to blame all our financial problems on incentives given to people to work hard and remain committed to thankless jobs? Lowering administrative compensation packages (like cutting Mark Yudof’s $600,000+ salary) would do nothing to help ease our budget short fall.

8. Cut the Humanities (and most of the Social Sciences). Why not? After all, what can an ethnic studies course possibly contribute to the type of society we are working to build?

9. Demolish all co-ops! In the words of the late, great Ronald Reagan, UC Berkeley has long been “a hotbed of communism and homosexuality.” If we want to transform Berkeley into fertile ground for the populist heteronormativity that is the Tea Party movement, we must start by destroying all those strongholds of depravity and affordable housing, aka the campus’ co-op system.

10. Dissolve ASUC. Once UCMeP accomplishes all of its goals, power will have finally been sufficiently consolidated into the hands of portly old white men — like President Mark Yudof — whose life experiences have given them the wisdom to know what’s best for everyone else.

UCMeP may be new to the institution of ASUC, but we are certainly no strangers to university politics. Not that qualifications matter in elections like this, but UCMeP is certain that its candidates have far more experience in campus organizing, outreach, advocacy, and activism than any other party at UC Berkeley. We challenge anyone to prove us otherwise. We have infiltrated just about every campus activist group, we have organized countless wildly successful events on campus, and we can talk in circles about the most pressing issues facing UC Berkeley better than anyone.

For decades UC Berkeley’s student government (ASUC) has been a frat-tastic refuge for the future autocrats and investment bankers of our once-golden state. Week in and week out, these precocious living products of our glorious hedge-fund society have bravely ventured into the hallowed halls of Eshelmann Hall to ardently pretend they were doing something worthwhile with their time. In return for sitting by quietly as administrators, state officials, and corporate executives systematically dismantled public education before their very eyes, these irreproachable individuals got to add a killer line to their resumes.

We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are, of course, thankful to ironically named student parties like “Student Action” and “Cal-Serv” for doing their part to aide the destruction of public education by doing nothing to substantially resist the privatization of the University of California. But as we all know, we stand at the dawn of a new era, and this new era calls for — nay, demands! — new blood to course through the clogged arteries that constitute Berkeley student government.

Let us be clear, there still exist significant obstacles in the path toward fully privatizing the UC. All of the challenges that cannot be resolved by the swing of a baton or the shock of a taser will need heroic leaders brave enough to implement policies that go against the interests of most of those enrolled or working at UC Berkeley.

With this said, UCMeP is proud to announce its brave decision to run for every single office offered by ASUC. UCMeP’s campaign will be guided by the bold, forward-looking slogan: “Demand Nothing, Privatize Everything!”

We have assembled a formidable slate of candidates who will steadfastly walk the party line set by the UC Board of Regents while refusing to waste time by participating in substantive debate. With less than a third of students even bothering to vote in student government elections, ASUC is far from a democratically elected body (even by the Regents’ standards). But like any paper tiger worthy of the name, ASUC maintains an aura of authority that administrators never hesitate pointing to when arguing that there do exist legitimate channels on campus for students to lodge their concerns. We hope to (literally) capitalize on the Ponzi-Scheme that is ASUC and push through many modest proposals.

We are immensely proud to reveal UCMeP’s slate of candidates for ASUC:

Let it be known that we are adding to our blacklist the names of the thousands of people who have become fans of this group over the past two days. You can all expect an irate phone call from Dean of Students Jonathan “Let’s Suspend all the Students” Poullard any day now.

On the March 4 Day of Action to Defend Public Education, UCMeP’s highly elite Strategic Counter-Activism Brigade (SCAB) bravely positioned itself on the front lines of the class struggle — against all those rabble-rousers selfishly demanding accessible and affordable public education.

Without concern for their own safety, members of SCAB (literally) rolled out the red carpet for anyone willing cross the March 4 picket lines.

Please enjoy the following photos and video (made by a loyal fan) of this heroic day of action.