University of California

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

If Sauron gets his hands on the seal of the University of California, he will use it to summon his master Oprah Winfrey. Shown here is the very moment Sauron last used the seal to summon Oprah, at the end of the Second Age. The hand of Oprah can be seen breaking through from the void in which she was imprisoned by the Valar.

The University of California was founded in 1868 by giant reptilian hippies from the planet Zarkon. It is the 56th State of the United States of America, and owes its economic success to the fact that it is the only state of the union to abolish private property and become a communistutopia. The university is broken up into campuses, each of which has its own strengths and weaknesses. These are summarized below. Study them carefully before choosing one.

Contents

UC Berkeley

Camp Crystal is a popular location referred to Stanford students by their friends at Cal...yes....yes....

Berkeley is a chaotic neutral rogue/barbarian. It has a +2 Rod of Lordly Might, which comes in handy for smiting wayward hippies, however,[ its unstable alignment makes it dangerous to have at your back. Also, at 392% Asian-American and 2% black, Berkeley is one of America's most diverse institutions of higher education. It plans on moving to China having only accepted Chinese immigrants for the fall 2007 semester; however, due to Berkeley's integration with the Internet, there are fears that the Chinese government will cast a firewall (thus igniting all the pot) around it. That would be bad. The discovery of ecstasy, among other things, made it one of the worst public university known to man (ironic, seeing as how it is rated the best public university in the world).

Sather Tower plans it's attack on Stanford

Berkeley (or also known as University of California to idiots) is widely known for its bitter rivalry with Stanford. Stanford of course regards itself as the best school in the area even though Berkeley has beaten Stanford 7 times in the last 8 years. Yeah, 8 years. Every year a friendly game of football is played between the two and the winner takes the Stanford Axe. The axe (also known as Thor) is said to have been smelted from the beard of God himself and carved by the dashboard of E-40's 1969 Charger. And for any of you who regard Stanford University as a better school, why don't you use your awards from the Manhattan project to prove yourself right? Oh yeah, that's right, that was Berkeley (And also the University of Chicago) who did that.

This man created the first sustaining nuclear reactor. Where was he from? Was it Stanford? Oh yeah, he was from Berkeley. He pities your school.

Although the academic rank is lesser than Stanford, Berkeley has had a record 65 Nobel Laureates while Stanford only has 16. Fellate me, Stanford Douchebags. The downside to such great professors is that they don't feel a need to teach so all classes at Berkeley are taught by upperclassmen who come from the lower classes and trade teaching for units in what amounts to small intimate groupings of 500 or so. To keep the classes diverse, at least one registered Republican is required in each class which was a new rule set forth by California's current Govenator in his bid to uphold diversity.

Feats:
Improved liberal
Turn/Destroy Republican
Slippery Mind
Skill Focus: Making pot cookies
Finally balling up and kicking those hippies out of the trees
May 2009 Budget update: due to state budget crisis, the entire budget of the UC Berkeley campus has been reduced to three dollars. This has resulted in a major cut in staffing and student body size. The entire staff will consist of a small experimental rodent named Schwarzy after the current governor of California. The student body has barred from central campus and can now be found drinking off campus. Tuition has been doubled and the accounting department has the sole function of funding the bars for the barred students, as well as coffee shops off central campus. The four clocks on Sather Tower, once only slightly dissimilar, have now gone so completely out of sync that when the North clock shows 3 pm, the West shows 7 pm.

Irvine is a level 20 ElvishWizard. It possesses the Amulet of Yendor, which grants it the power to teleport out of the Community Portal at will, but also drains 10 magic points per turn. Irvine is powerful, but beware, only one of you can leave the Portal with the Amulet. Irvine is an ally of the Mickey Mouse Alliance as of 2009 when UCI reached an accord with Disney's California Adventure, yet Irvine has also been known to house the well-known terrorist Don al-Duck, making for a very trying and unorthodox alliance. It is rumored that this alliance only occurred because of a bribe from California Adventure, in which the HinduPimp sent Irvine President Allah his #1 slut, Colette Bickford McGreggorwilner O'Malleyfax-O'Brien-O'Timms Smithiggens Spongebob Mandrilpants. It is reported that Allah was so baked after bein' wit Mandrilpants, that he signed the treaty papers with his nose. In 2010, UC Irvine announced a formal suspension of al-Duck's campus terrorist group. The now-suspended al-Duck martyr's muslim stew-dent union has gone underground, now that even Allah doesn't approve of their activities.

UCLA

Strength: Many Asians.

Weakness: Many Asians

Height: 5 feet 8 inches

Weight: 160 pounds

Finisher: The Bruin Bash

UCLA is the third best campus of the University of California, if not the fourth or fifth. However, it is not exactly a campus but rather a highly technologically advanced cyborg bruin that breeds highly nutritious students for trojans to eat for brunch and linner. It is in fact, the crowning jewel to the empire owned by Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro who are the bruin's promoters and use it as a mixed martial arts champion. Joe Bruin's record is 3252-0. Including an impressive victory over Brock Lesnar and the Incredible Hulk's lovechild, Brulk.

Feats:
Police force that cracks down on students and the homeless alike, and a crapload of college basketball championships behind John "Morning" Wooden and Benedict Howland (as he is known by University of Pittsburgh supporters).

UC Merced[es]

Strength: ability to curl up into a little ball to defend itself from predators.

Weakness: vulnerable to bright lights.

Special Ability: sonar, GPS system, cup holders

Merced is well camouflaged in its own habitat, and able to endure long periods without water. If you are trapped, you can throw it at your enemies and retrieve it later. Actual existence debatable.

UC Riverside

Special Ability: good with children.

Other Features: broad powerful shoulders, winning smile, manly chest. Also located in the middle of nowhere.

Height: 6 foot 2 inches

Riverside is a life-size statue of Tom Jones, carved out of dilithium crystal. It is very heavy, but of high intrinsic value, and can be exchanged for many useful goods and services.

Takes forever to get to, yet provides uselessness in the end to take home.

UC San Diego

UCSD is the second transition metal of the fifth period. It is relatively inert, but mildly radioactive, and decays back into Riverside with a half-life of 1.3 million years. Its main uses are in the tobacco industry, as a catalyst, and to coat the outer surface of Michael Jackson. It is otherwise completely useless.
Although the social scene can be lacking, UCSD is included in the "top 3" following right behind UCLA in college rankings.

University of California San Francisco

To use San Francisco's gravitational field to slingshot out of the solar system, you must be traveling at between 50 and 60 kilometers per second, and able to achieve a stable orbit.

UC Santa Barbara

Habitat: under the bark of trees, in small crevices, and, where conditions are wet enough, the forest floor.

Breeding: lays one pale blue egg, typically in a pile of decomposing vegetablematter. 1/3 chance children will have AIDS or venereal disease

Call: an intense tintinnabulating drone.

UC Santa Barbara is small enough to carry around with you, but its soft body can easily be inadvertently damaged. You would be well advised to store it in a rigid case. Speak to it and caress it frequently, and it will emit cooing sounds of delight. It is also known to reproduce very fast. It is the best of the UCs but kept quiet for fear of too many inhabitants.

Like Berkeley, the homeless population there abounds. However, unlike Berkeley the homeless people are more evolved and carry around electrical cords to plug into the outside of apartment buildings. This enables them the use of toasters, generators, and cars. USCB also includes novelty pirate, a drunk in public charge, and alcoholism. It also comes with a white albino raccoon.

update: the albino raccoon sadly passed away in 2007. You will now find the ghost of a albino raccoon haunting campus.

UC Santa Cruz

Weight: 2 kilos, but it is a bit stem-y .

Type: Aztec Gold Label Reefer

Shape: roughly cubical.

Composition: a mysterious silvery metal.

Intelligence:

UC Santa Cruz was found under the face of a retreating glacier during the golden age of Marijuana. Under the full moon, it takes the shape of a giant bong. When humans touch it, they are able to see distant things very clearly, and read the minds of others. With these visions come others - some of things long past, some of things that are yet to be - but these visions are unclear and disturbing. Frequent contact with Santa Cruz extends life far beyond its natural span, but also leaves one with unbearable longings, as if for a world that no longer exists.

They say such "hippi-fied" slang such as, "oh how pretty and nice, like a bong hit in the afternoon, why it's so nice, yes sir, take notice, slugs have descended upon the network webs. darkness and faint dim lights now glow in strange line formations between communication. slug migration and stability are the now the present state of the netted ether" and make you wonder whether you are the slug, or whether I am. After college they often retreat to the forest so to avoid the dangerous, much despised, and much much too real and sober "real world" which when uttered in the presence of them makes them incoherently mutter words like "work" or "social oppression" or "Foucault." Once in the forest they become part of the anarchist community, referred to by students as the annie-ville, that started in the 60s.

The Professors are all completely stoned so classes are never required and so never attended to, except for when students are low on weed and can remember the day of the week when they wake up. This crucial difference results in higher class attendance for at least a week but once the next big shipment of weed arrives in the "bartle le scrive" van of happiness, life for students regresses (or progresses) to the previous state of complete, utter, and mystifying stonyness. This stonyness state of consciousness goes on fairly consistently throughout the year, and it seems to have what santa cruz philosophers call a "gravity nugget of consciousness", named so because of the observed behavior of the attention mechanism of the brain, which when stoned perpetually lead to and insist a continual focus on all things relating to weed and not much else. Other "thought metathoughts" or "thought bookmarks" sometimes do take place, but they are generally perceived of in the context of weed.

The favorite classes at UCSC are "Phenomenology to Poststructuralism" and pretty much everything offered by the History of Consciousness department, not because the classes are necessarily better, but because the department's name is so academically slick sounding. Anything slick sounding makes student's suspicious at first, not because of it being slick, but because they're simply suspicious, in general because of what they learned in those classes. Despite their suspicions though, they nevertheless still enroll in the classes and yet still do not go, except for the first day and the last.

UC Jackson

... Yeah..well.. school budget cuts... yeah... oh well.

Never heard of them. May be a proposed university campus, same applies for the UC projects put on hold in Madera or Tulare.

UC Sunnydale

Strength: Look, we all know you're going to have to transfer out in season seven, so let's make things simple and choose another campus right now, k?

Whenever you do anything at night, roll on the encounter table to see what vampire or nasty creature attacks you. On a roll of 4 on a d4 Buffy also appears. If this is season four, military vampire hunters appear on a roll of 6 on a d6. You die. You become a vampire. Go play Call of Cthulhu.

Voltron

When you have a degree from each of the UC campuses, you may combine them to form Voltron. Voltron has all of the powers of each campus, and none of the weaknesses. To form Voltron, pile your degree certificates together, and point the apex of your power crystal at them. When it begins to glow, raise your arms vertically above your head, and shout "By Gorthaur's hammer, you will be avenged!" Sometimes it's really hippie from all the contact high coming from the UC Santa Cruz-derived powers, but otherwise is pretty sweet.

At this point Voltron should appear. If he does not, go back and make sure you completed all eleven degrees. Check that you activated UCLA's berserker frenzy before level 5, that Santa Barbara is still alive, and that Irvine's amulet was not a cheap plastic imitation.

You may only form Voltron once every 500 turns. Do not do so until your need is great.

UCP

Eww...

UCP-Ness

Extension campus of UCP located in the city of Ness, California. Located along a longitudinal shaft extending over 10 inches, UCP-ness has a high female to male student ratio.

Mascot

The official University of California mascot is the Yellow Banana Slut. As a result, their cheerleaders have the lowest ratio of clothing to skin shown in the NCAA. Parents are encouraged to bring home "Bananasian Slut" (as the mascot is fondly called by alumni) paraphernalia including the prominently marketed Vibrating Banana Slut. These are happily given to girls of all ages, and are popular gag gifts for nerds of math camp and sluts of cheerleader camp. Many parents have objected to this mascot, claiming that it is "degrading to women" and "blatantly offensive," but the president of UC Santa Cruz reportedly replied, "Fuck off, you crazy feminists. The only thing funnier than my jokes is the women's rights movement."