Call it lazy or efficient parenting but I refuse to cater to my kid. At the age of 6, he’s more than capable of performing routine tasks like picking out his school uniform for the next day, setting the table and taking out the recycling. We enforce a “no thank you bite” rule at dinner time and even though I may spoil him sometimes, my son knows that he doesn’t always get what he wants. That is life and life is not always fair.

One member admitted that she did: “I catered to my youngest when she refused bottles and was only breastfeeding. I also let my almost 2 year old bring whatever toys she wants to her crib so she will go to it peacefully.”

Another member thought it depends: “It depends on the situation, but generally, no we do not cater to them. Life is hard and unfair. The sooner they figure that out the better off they will be.”

This member said no: “I don’t cater to my children. I take care of them, but I have established boundaries with them. They don’t call the shots around the house and as they grow DH and I encourage them to become more independent.”

Granted if there are extenuating circumstances (like the child is very young, has special needs or medical issues, etc.), I could see bending the rules. Of course, what works for my family may not work for others. I hope, that in my refusal to cater to my son, I’m raising a child to become an emotionally mature and independent adult.

Recent posts

I so totally agree with your post. As a teacher I see the results of parents who have set boundaries and the parents who have not and let the kids do whatever they want. These parents take the punishment for their kids, they stick up for their kids even if the child is obviously in the wrong, etc…. and the child is just a pain in the class. They cannot stay in their seat, they disrupt discussions by just blurting out whatever comes to mind, they don’t understand why they got an “F” on the assignment they turned in even though all the answers are wrong. I mean, you name it, I see it. And it does come to fruition when I call home to make contact with those parents or when I meet them at parent-teacher conferences and they are making excuses for their child.

http://www.tbparenting.com angela ardolino

I couldn’t agree with you more and am so glad you are talking about it. The number one job of a parent is to raise their children to be independent, successful, happy adults. Some parents think they are helping by catering to a child but instead are doing the opposite. I have witnessed many mothers whose entire existence is their child, so they will do whatever they need to make their children dependent on them for as long as possible. Some don’t know they’re doing it. It’s sad and usually ends up with the child resenting their “catering” parents because it takes them so long to adjust to the real world. Many don’t adjust and just find someone to depend on/take the place of their parents, which we all know is a huge burden to bear on a mate or friend. I have worked with kids many from when they were toddlers to now adults and in my opinion the best thing for a child to have is self-confidence. The only way for a child to feel self-confident is for them to learn and become independent. When you do this you end up with your kids thanking and appreciating you when there around- 18-24. Seeing your kids believe, go after and achieve their dreams and thanking you for helping them do achieve them is the GREATEST GIFT OF ALL!

Stop catering and start teaching! They know and understand a lot more than you think. They are capable of anything! Do this and you and your child will have the relationship you dream of!

Michelle

My in-laws (mainly my MIL) definitely catered to by husband and his sister when they lived at home. Although my husband isn’t too bad (although, he can be somewhat useless at home), his sister is very inconsiderate. She has sat on the couch, playing with her phone while I cleaned up messes around her. She never jumps up or even asks if I want help. I’m making sure our children do not become like that.

emilyelisee

For the most part no we don’t. They don’t get everything they want and my oldest who is close to 3 yrs we try to press ‘self help’ routines with him. It is hard tho, I do have to ‘bend the rules’ sometimes. He has sensory and audio processing disorders and has a pending diagnosis of ASD. Particularly I have to ‘cater’ with getting him to eat and taking him out in public, just so he gets the best nutrition with his texture issues and fear of the new, and so we survive the trips out of the home without any extreme meltdowns or sensory overloads. I think he’ll turn out to be a good kid, he already is. He’s sweet and considerate and when he needs help he doesn’t yell at us he comes and expresses his needs calmly (unless it’s an emergency potty break then he yells for us lol!).

Beth

I don’t know, define “cater”. I’m scratching my head at how breastfeeding your child is catering to them. Seems a little warped to me.

When I was pregnant with my first, I liked to browse various parenting books just for grins. I read the preface to Babywise just to see what all the hoopla was about. It’s been 6 years so I’m roughly paraphrasing and there may well be a new edition out by now, but essentially the author explained that the end goal of child rearing should be for your life to remain more or less the same and for your child to conform completely to you. I realized then that this is fundamentally where Ezzo and I part ways (his eat, play, sleep schedule being completely beside the point).

Your life should change dramatically when you have kids. That doesn’t mean the world revolves around them, but everyone adjusts and adapts to each other. Sometimes some one’s preferences win out. It’s not always the child, but sometimes it is. And if it comes to her NEEDS vs our WANTS, needs win hands down.

Adaire

It seems like the term Catering and Spoiling are getting confused. There is a HUGE difference between the two! There are MANY ways to Cater to your child without them walking over you, just like we do our Husbands or how our Husbands do for us. It is a sign of appreciation & respect and our children, ESPECIALLY now days need to see that. Yes the world is hard but at the same time we don’t want our son or daughter to end up with some sorry spouse that never caters or wants to help because they witnessed us refusing to help when they needed it most. We have seen it all the time through the coarse of history. WE set that example. Catering WITH limits shows your child how to respect other people. Catering like you are a Maid shows your child how to be a brat. Remember we are Mothers NOT Maids. We are here to guide and set examples for them in the future NOT handicap them.

Salad Shooter

I don’t like words like “cater” or “spoil.”

I’m different from a lot of parents in that I won’t expect my LO to do everything I ask him to. But likewise, I won’t do everything he asks me to. I would like him to learn that people are free to make their own choices and no one is obligated to do anything they don’t want to.

I definitely don’t believe in doing things for him that he is perfectly capable of doing himself, unless there’s some good reason. And I won’t protect him from the results of his own actions (within reason). I won’t force independence prematurely, but I won’t prolong dependence either.

That being said, some people use the idea of “not catering to them” or “not spoiling them” to be downright mean to their kids.

It really depends on the specific issue. From what you named off, I could see myself expecting him to do those tasks if he was capable.

I won’t however do the “no thank you” bite thing. I see nothing gained in forcing a kid to eat something they don’t want. We had that rule when I was little and it was annoying.

Erika

Children are just that: children. Kids will be kids. While they should have independence, it is important to remember that they DO NEED a GOOD childhood, and one cannot expect them to be completely self-sufficient. If your child needs help with something, like picking out an outfit that goes well together, it is not “catering” to them by helping them. It is called being a parent.

Not always getting what they want is something that all children must learn – and is something most adult are still learning. Saying you don’t “cater” to your children is a terrible way to express what you’re trying to.

Lia

I’m with Beth and Salad Shooter here.
I don’t like the word “cater”. When I prepare a meal for the familly, is this catering? When I have the table ready for everyone, is that “catering”? I consider it is caring. I do expect not to be the maid around the house, but everyone has their own way of contributing, and it does not necessarily mean that my taks get any lighter.
That said, I follow my son’s pace a lot. He is 26 months old so he is expected to eat and have routines, but he does have lots of choice (he can refuse the sweet peas, but not eat only pasta every day). Now that he shows interest in putting the laundry on, cooking and putting the dishwasher on, I take the opportunity to have him “help me” (which means that right now he slows me down… a lot!). But generally I don’t expect him to adjust to everything I say or do. I expect him to grow a character. Then we both ajust!

The examples of breastfeeding and toys in the crib, in my eyes, are not catering. I get the “your kid is spoiled” look all the time if I mention that my 15 month old sleeps with me, and I’ve stopped getting defensive about it. My daughter has rules and limits set for which have nothing to do with our family sleep situation. She is not allowed to do anything unsafe. She’s a happy, healthy, and independent toddler that will continue to have limits set and responsibilities increased as she gets older. Every family is different as far as their rules and expectations.

http://www.justdelivered.net Kate

I think there’s a healthy balance. In my household, rules are rules, and if you don’t follow them, there are consequences. However, my toddler needs to feel like he has some sort of control, so I try to offer lots of choices in his daily routine. For example:

Rule: LO must eat/try at least 2 fruits and veggies with dinner

Toddler Choice: Does LO want an orange or a banana?

This way I’m still enforcing my rules, but my son also feels like he has a say too. This is the only way that I’m able to deal with an assertive toddler right now. If I tried the whole “my way or the highway” right now, I’d go insane.

I know another poster stated from the book babywise “but essentially the author explained that the end goal of child rearing should be for your life to remain more or less the same and for your child to conform completely to you.” And I really agree w/that sentiment and it has worked for me and mine. I didn’t let children turn my world upside down. I mean emotionally, yes, things change w/kids, but life-style wise, no. It was my job to teach them to well, be on a realistic schedule and teach them to do things for themselves.

Beth

“but essentially the author explained that the end goal of child rearing should be for your life to remain more or less the same and for your child to conform completely to you.”

I really do not agree with Ezzo -at all. The above quote though, kind of goes along with something my mother told me. She said that when you have a baby, the baby should fit into your life, not you into the baby’s. Obviously, you are now responsible for a tiny person with wants, needs and special circumstances, but if you are, say, a couple who enjoys camping, or vacationing in exotic locales, or hey, even just eating out frequently, you find a way to integrate the baby into your life. You don’t all of a sudden, give up everything you enjoy. You just adapt a bit.

Sorry – tangent :). As for catering or spoiling, which might be a more accurate term, I do not. I say “yes” when I can, “no” when it’s needed. My son has responsibilities, both personal and household. That said, family is where you go for support. We all do things for each other. Asking for help will always get you help (that doesn’t mean I do it for you…). Demanding will get you nothing :).

Sara

Breastfeeding and sleeping arrangements are not catering in my mind. I only breastfed my child, not bottle. My choice. My child was a BABY, he needed the physical contact it provided and I enjoyed it (until it was time to wean). Catering for example would be to make an entirely seperate meal from what the rest of the family is eating for a child. Or not giving them any responsibility when they reach the age that they can have some. So in my mind, you can’t really spoil a child by sleeping arrangements or breastfeeding as those women said. That’s just dumb to me. Each to his own though.

Val

I too think that the examples given of catering-type behavior may not be the best. Babies, of course, should get more leeway than children. And family does mean being flexible if someone is having a really awful day or going through a challenging time.

But I essentially agree. The fact that you don’t get everything your way every single day makes special treats and big days like your birthday even more exciting. It isn’t cruel to have certain expectations and boundaries and it doesn’t mean that you don’t shower your kids with love and affection at the same time. I want my kids to be able to take care of themselves when they leave me, so it’s important that I teach them while they’re under my care and the stakes are still low, rather than doing everything for them.

But being sick means you can bend the rules. : ) Gingerale and crushed ice, with a bendy straw, on the sofa with your favorite movie. Because everybody deserves that when they’re sick.

Meggles

I’m pretty laid-back about some things, which some people might call catering. I don’t make my kids wear jammies to bed if they don’t want to, because in the grand scheme of things, what difference does it make? None. My big question for everything is, “how will such-and-such effect them when they’re 25?” That’s why I’m really strict on some things. They have to try everything I make for dinner. I do not play short-order cook, no matter what. If I spend the time to make dinner and the money to buy the groceries, they are going to eat what’s made or eat nothing. I also encourage responsibility whenever I can. And I also ignore my kids when I feel that it’s appropriate–a lot of the time it’s their job to make themselves happy, not me. There’s nothing wrong with boredom!

andrea

Jeez. Is it possible for you bloggers of “momformation” to actually come up with your own topics instead of ripping off everything you read on the DT? Boring *insert finger in nose*

Deborah Mucklow

Hi Andrea,
Thanks so much for your feedback.
The bloggers of the Community Buzz posts write about trending topics in our community, topics that members are buzzing about. Yes, some of those topics are discussed on the Debate Team and many others have been discussed in different Birth Clubs and Bargain Hunters as well (to name a few).
If you’d like to read a different, non-Debate Team related buzz post of mine, I invite you to check out “Should nannies have a dress code”, an issue recently discussed in the Working Moms group.
We’re always looking for topics that members find fresh and interesting so feel free to email us at community@babycenter.com with any ideas you see in the community worth buzzing about.
Thanks!

Anne

As a mom working outside the home with children who had to adjust to not being at home all the time I can’t really say I cater to them. I do acknowledge preferences and likes but if they want to do something that is safe and does not cause harm or needlessly irritate others then I’m generally pretty laid back.

I’ve been told by friends and family they are surprised about how strict I am about some things and lenient about others I guess it is about balance. So my kids have gone to bed hungry if they did not want to eat what was cooked. On the other hand they have worn their PJs all day long at daycare because they did not want to get dressed (their grandmother still has not quite gotten over that one). Yes, they will be kind, respectful, courteous and cause no harm to themselves or others. Beyond that I constantly ask myself “does it matter?”

Monique

I am also of the mindset ” how will this affect them when they’re 25???” I refuse to cater to my two boys ages 7 and 8. They wash their own clothes (this just started last year while I was extremely sick and had just continued) and clean their own rooms because these are things they need to be able to do and they are fully capable of doing it. I watch my SIL and BIL completely cater to there 11, 7, and 5 year old I watch the havoc it creates on a daily basis as they live with us now. She sometimes makes 3 or 4 different meals because after she chops they decide they don’t want it. The children are separately overweight because they eat whatever they what, whenever they want. They continually get on trouble

Get weekly e-mails with development articles, parenting news, and more!

Hot Topic

I vaguely remember learning the 5-1-1 rule. You know, you head to the hospital when your contractions are 5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute long for 1 hour. During our Lamaze classes we were given instructions to cope with contractions and I anxiously awaited laboring at home. Except, it never happened. With my daughter, I… Read more »