I’ve seen plenty of this tripe: From the decent, like Girdler’s GRIZZLY, to the atrocious, like Worth’s SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON.

That said, I can report without any doubt, Robert Kaplan’s GUMS takes the shit-tastic JAWS rip-off cake.

Basically, in the small town of Great Head (Amity), a killer mermaid is on the loose. Unsuspecting swimmers are having their dicks sucked to death. Yes, you read that right. The mermaid sucks their dicks…until they die.

Sheriff Coxswain (Brody), along with Dr. Smegma (Hooper), and a Nazi (?) by the name of Captain Clitoris (Quint, as portrayed by Brother Theodore) take it upon themselves to hunt down said mermaid, despite the threat of having their dicks sucked.

Sounds like porn, right? And to an extent, you’d be correct. There were definitely some graphic blowjobs filmed, but alas, you don’t get to see them. Instead, the act is obscured by poorly-rendered “funny” graphics. At least I assume the intention was hilarity. I honestly can’t recall laughing.

So, we have the bad acting of porn. The nonexistent plot of porn. The humorless comedy of porn. But in the end: No fucking porn. What is our world coming to, Bastards?!

To tell the truth, I can get around the fact that I don’t get to actually see the fellatio. No big loss. But to couple the censorship with the most aggravating characters, a story written in crayon on the back of a cocktail napkin, and a total lack of anything even remotely resembling entertainment…I apologize, but I’m only a human being with an average threshold for pain.

I’m not ashamed to admit that this film broke me.

I have a hard time even categorizing GUMS as a film. I mean, there were cameras involved – and “actors,” used in the absolute loosest sense of the term. But surely there was no script. And there was definitely no direction. It felt like they flipped on the camera with only the vaguest of instructions:

“Do or say something funny!”

“Run around in circles!”

“Suck that dick!”

Please note: If that first instruction was ever actually uttered, it was subsequently ignored.

Highlights include:

Bad JAWS theme rip-off music, conjoined with even worse techno.

Lots of hairy ass. Seriously. Lots.

A three-hour unfunny diatribe by Captain Clitoris. At least it felt like three hours. I might be exaggerating. Perhaps it was only two and a half.

“I’m biting fart bubbles!” – Deputy Dick

According to GUMS, mermaids don’t require fins. It’s all “psychological.” Of course, this translates to: We didn’t have the funds or the creativity to a put a fin on our fucking mermaid.

Dogs fucking.

Indian stereotypes. I think.

A threesome involving two guys and a sex doll.

A “Chicken of the Sea” joke involving rubber chickens being thrown into the ocean.

A rendition of “Mack the Knife” that makes the McDonald’s version look like Mozart.

The lead characters being inexplicably replaced with puppets during the film’s finale.