Jenn is a 23 year-old recent college grad from Canada who is a recovering bulimic, but still struggles with binge eating. Today she’s here to tell us about how she deals with what to do the day after a binge. xo…Sunny

“I am so bloated from my head down to my feet.”
“I am so full. Why did I just do that?”
“It will all be okay if I subsist on only protein and veggies today and burn 2000 calories working out.”

I am embarrassed to admit that all of the above thoughts are things that I have thought after a binge and even into the next day. Anyone who is a binge eater knows that the next day you wake up feeling like you have the worst hangover possible. The physical repercussions are not what makes the day after a binge hell, the mental battle with yourself is challenging because you feel like there is no point to what you are trying to do because you’re bound to fail. A cloud of negativity follows you around all day and constantly berates you, making you feel like you are less than. I have found a few tricks that help me feel better about myself I hope will help you repair your self esteem and will help you get back to normal.

1) First and foremost, you must forgive yourself. This is so much easier said than done and I am sure you are looking at your computer saying “Easy for you to say, buddy.” Well friend, why would you not want to forgive yourself? A few times, I have tried to list all of the reasons why I deserve to live in agony because I had a binge, but I was left staring at an empty paper. The first step in this process for me is telling myself that I am forgiven, then displaying it to myself in my actions.

2) Forget the restrictive diets and the cleanses. These regimens are unhealthy and deny our bodies of valuable nutrients. It is imperative that we don’t restrict ourselves because by forcing ourselves to follow a restrictive diet, or we will set ourselves up for another binge; when you “can’t” have something, it is all you think about. I went through a period this past summer where I was experimenting with a popular, low carb diet and when I finally did give in to my cravings I binged. I am working on finding a middle ground with my wellness regimen and have to constantly remind myself that wanting a cookie or a piece of fruit is okay. It’s also been important to find some form of exercise that I enjoy and that manages your stress. I like Crossfit because it helps me feel strong and like I’m able to do anything I set my mind to.

3) Find meaning in the binge. None of us binge because we like food or because we are particularly hungry. This is obviously really tough to do because it hurts to acknowledge your weaknesses. When I was 19, I had my first official boyfriend and my first real physical relationship. When he broke up with me in the middle of my exams, and gave me no reason why he had to break my heart, I was devastated. I felt like there had to be something wrong with me as a person because if only I was prettier, skinnier, or a better girlfriend maybe he would not have broken up with me. I am 23 now and since then I have sought out relationships with four men not looking for anything but a physical relationship (they were all single! I didn’t go down that road just to make it clear). After having my heart broken royally this last year, it finally dawned on me that I sought out companionship from men that wouldn’t give me what I wanted because I believed that I deserved to be rejected. Obviously this is completely untrue, but it is something that I know has had a dramatic effect on my self esteem. It’s helped to look at my life and see if there are any patterns that I am repeating. If you can bring positive intention to your future actions and awareness to your weaknesses you can help figure out ways to fight a binge or to distract yourself. When I find myself feeling anxious, I get out of my house and go to the library or to the bookstore and look at novels I would like to read. I have a handful of friends I can talk to that I feel comfortable venting to.

4) Last, but certainly not least, go out of your way to feel beautiful. When I take an extra 10 minutes in the morning to apply eyeliner, put on lipgloss, put on my pretty earrings and my long blue scarf, I feel like a princess. I am not my eating disorder, I am a girl who has struggled but has made the decision to triumph and not let anything get me down.

]]>http://healthygirl.org/2012/01/26/4-ideas-for-the-morning-after-a-binge/feed/9How Therapy Has Worked For Me [guest post]http://healthygirl.org/2012/01/11/how-therapy-has-worked-for-me-guest-post/
http://healthygirl.org/2012/01/11/how-therapy-has-worked-for-me-guest-post/#commentsWed, 11 Jan 2012 06:00:06 +0000http://healthygirl.org/?p=2683read ]]>HealthyGirl.org reader Angie told me that she’s had a lot of success recently using cognitive behavioral therapy to help her get (and stay) sane about food. CBT may sound intimidating, but it’s just a style of talk therapy—one that I heard many many experts recommend when I was interviewing them for my book about binge eating. Take a look and feel free to weigh in with your thoughts about CBT, or therapy in general. xo…Sunny

Hello world. This is Angie. I am humbled that Sunny asked me to talk about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). While I have been in recovery from multiple eating disorders for 20+ years, note that I am not a licensed psychologist or medical professional. What I share here is based on my personal experience.

One more caveat: During my recovery I have often searched, in vain, for someone to give me the magic formula for a healthy life. I want someone, anyone, to tell me what to do so I don’t have to struggle with decisions re: food and exercise. This search has been in vain. Life is messy and I have to do the work to figure out what works for me, today, every day. There is nothing that always works. Now, if I haven’t scared you off, is more about CBT:

There are definitions of CBT that you can look up. For me, CBT means that I talk to a licensed psychologist on a regular basis. Out of these appointments, the psychologist observes patterns of behaviors and suggests that I reframe situations and thoughts. Here are a few examples to explain how CBT has helped me recover:

Recognize that I will always have thoughts related to disordered eating. I cannot remember a time when I did not try to find solace and control in food and how I consume food. Instead of banishing these thoughts, I recognize them, but choose not to dwell on them. Countering the food-related thoughts with positive mantras is hard, but helpful.

For example: When I think about binging or restricting, remember that I love to take the dog for a walk and look up at the sky. I am stronger than I think and feeling the fresh air on my face is a way for me to disconnect from the eating disorder. Disconnecting from the ED thoughts is very important for me as it’s been a primary tool in my recovery. It’s actually a tool that a lot of people use when healing from mental disorders. Have you watched A Beautiful Mind? While depression and eating disorders are not the same thing as schizophrenia, there is something to learn from watching how John Nash (played by Russell Crowe) healed from his mental illness. He became cognizant of schizophrenic-type thoughts and, eventually, chose to pivot away from those thoughts by recognizing what was real.

This idea of pivoting away from ‘crazy’ thoughts intrigued me so much that, in addition to watching the movie, I read the book. Nash found that he had to train his mind to ignore the thoughts that sabotaged him. I have found this approach useful when dealing with my ED thoughts. I have been working on my recovery for 20 years and still struggle. In times of stress, my mind tries to escape to thoughts of food and how I can control it. I must make diligent effort to pull myself out of these thoughts and focus on positive mantras.

I also try to think about the people around me. EDs are a disease of isolation. To pull myself away from the ED and isolation, I think, “How can you be an active listener to offer the people in life what they need?” I find fulfillment from healthy relationships with my husband and kids. Being physically, emotionally, and mentally present is healing. That said, it’s not always easy. I must put the phone down, take deep breaths, and follow the advice I give the kids: I need to be present when eating so I can enjoy the food. I should go outside to get some exercise every day. I should read for fun and for work. And, I should enjoy the struggles life presents because that’s when I’m truly growing and learning. No, it’s not easy, but it’s not supposed to be. As my therapist reminds me, we grow in crisis.

What has your experience been (if any) with CBT or other types of therapy? Would you recommend them to others trying to get sane about food?

]]>http://healthygirl.org/2012/01/11/how-therapy-has-worked-for-me-guest-post/feed/12What to Do the Morning After a Bingehttp://healthygirl.org/2012/01/09/what-to-do-the-morning-after-a-binge/
http://healthygirl.org/2012/01/09/what-to-do-the-morning-after-a-binge/#commentsMon, 09 Jan 2012 22:46:19 +0000http://healthygirl.org/?p=2601read ]]>

A familiar site for those of us who have had binge eating issues.

I want to say a big thank you to Ashley Solomon, PsyD, a psychologist who blogs at Nourishing the Soul for writing this insightful and incredibly helpful post about exactly what to do the morning after a binge. It’s beautifully written, and cuts right to the heart of anyone who’s ever had to deal with binge eating:

The Binge Diaries: The Morning After

Your eyelids reluctantly lift from their resting place as the harsh light washes over you, signaling it’s time to rise from this intoxicating slumber. You’d like to pull the warm comforter back over your head and disappear into the abyss of ignorance – the place where you can forget the shame of last night.

But your body won’t let you forget. You feel the distinctively sharp pains deep in your belly; you still feel the food sitting high and heavy. Your mind spins in circles, looping in and out of the names that last night held such beauty and power, but now elicit a feeling of disappointment. Oreo and Oscar Meyer and Special K and Hostess. Those bastards – letting you down once again.

You promised yourself this wouldn’t happen again, you wouldn’t let food leave you feeling bent and broken in the morning. But here you are – alone, frightened of the voraciousness of your hunger, and desperate to get out of this cycle.

Handling the day after a binge episode is most certainly not for the faint of heart; it is one of the most difficult challenges that we face in overcoming emotional overeating and binge eating. When all we want to do is hide under the covers is the precise moment at which what we need to do is call on all of our reserves and prepare for battle. We are no longer just fighting against the temptations of trigger foods, but also against the insidious voices that try to undermine our recovery.

When you’ve just binged and come out on the other side, try these tips to bounce back:

1. Journal. And then journal again. Try to think of a binge episode as an opportunity to discover something totally new and interesting about yourself. No matter the circumstances and how familiar they might be, each binge is different and has its own identifiable triggers – environmental and emotional. Journaling is a fantastic way of analyzing the thoughts and feelings you were having prior to, during, and after the binge. If you’re getting stuck in the embarrassment or frustration you’re feeling now and can’t even remember what was going on before eating, then just explore those feelings. Your truth lies within the words – or images – that you can get on paper. There’s no wrong or write (pun intended!) way – just let it flow.

2. Eat protein. Not just protein of course, but make sure you incorporate protein rich foods into your diet after a binge. Many of those who binge tend to do so on high carbohydrate foods, and there’s a scientific and perfectly comprehensible reason for this. Carb-rich foods help the amino acid tryptophan to produce serotonin – the “feel-good chemical” in our brains. When we binge and eat lots of carbs, we increase our serotonin levels and voilà! – we feel good. But as you might expect, as our blood sugar and serotonin levels even out or drop, we can feel sluggish, irritable, and depressed. Eating protein-rich food ensures we’re getting enough tryptophan and keep our mood in check.

3. Start using those affirmations you’ve been collecting. You’ve heard them before. Maybe you’ve even written them in your journal, put them on your vision board, or recite them in the shower. Well, now is the time to pull out all the self-love wisdom you can muster and pour it on yourself. Some of my favorites: A lapse is not a relapse.I treat myself with kindness and patience. I forgive myself and others, release the past and move forward with love in my heart. Every day is a chance to recreate my life. What are some of your favorites?

4. Exercise. Gently! Exercise should not be used as a punishment – ever! Don’t plan on setting any marathon PRs today or burn XXX calories in hot yoga. Instead, focus on doing something that makes your body feeling utterly amazing and do it mindfully. This means keeping present with the way that your body moves and feels, even as you take a gentle walk or stretch out your limbs. Shifting your perspective from seeing your body as your enemy to seeing it as your ally will help prevent treating it with disrespect in the future.

The moral of the story is to be kind and patient with yourself. Tearing yourself down or throwing your eating schedule off even further with restriction or more binging will just make it more difficult to develop the healthy relationship with food and yourself that you want. Try something new this morning and start with self-love. And some protein!

Now, what actions do you take the day after a binge or slip? Please share! xo…Sunny

]]>http://healthygirl.org/2012/01/09/what-to-do-the-morning-after-a-binge/feed/9Have You Dared to Tell People About Your Eating Issues? [guest post]http://healthygirl.org/2011/05/09/have-you-dared-to-tell-people-about-your-eating-issues/
http://healthygirl.org/2011/05/09/have-you-dared-to-tell-people-about-your-eating-issues/#commentsMon, 09 May 2011 21:22:07 +0000http://healthygirl.org/?p=2613read ]]>Today, I’m happy to welcome back HealthyGirl.org reader and contributor Erica, with a guest post. Take it away, Erica! xo…Sunny

Have you been keeping your eating issues locked away as a secret? Do you think it's time to tell someone?

Hi, ladies—long time no talk! First, I have to say how wonderful it was to attend Sunny’s book release party for Food: The Good Girl’s Drug last month! I met two wonderful girls who were also interviewed for the book, Razieh and Trish. I then went home and read half the book that night, and finished it the following day. Thank you, Sunny, for this inspirational, truly insightful read…and for making me a part of it!

Aside from the HealthyGirl.org community, I would say I’ve told approximately 15 friends and family members about my struggles with binge eating disorder. But on February 23 of this year, I disclosed to all my Twitter followers and Facebook friends. You’re probably thinking, “What are you, nuts?” You see, I have a women’s lifestyle and happiness blog, and sometimes I like to share on Twitter and Facebook what the next day’s post will be about. It just happened to be National Eating Disorders Week from February 20-26, and I had written a post on eating disorders that included a glimpse into my personal experience with BED. I’m pretty sure it shocked a bunch of people because the next day my blog received the most views it had seen thus far.

Despite the fact that I’m typically an open book, if I were at the height of my eating disorder, I doubt that I would have been super excited to share my food and body image issues with the world. (Well, okay, about 600 people, but still.) Because I’ve considered myself to be “recovered” for about two years now, however, it felt easier to reveal one of my best-kept secrets to all these people. I wound up receiving a ton of praise from folks who saw these status updates, tweets and the post itself, telling me how brave I was for putting myself out there like that and how much they believed it would be a source of inspiration for those who could relate. I sure hoped it would be!

More recently, my experience with BED was shared with a way larger pool of people than just my friends and followers on social networking sites. My name, picture, and story were featured in an article about binge eating disorder in the April 2011 issue of Seventeen magazine! Once the mag hit newsstands, the health editor sent me Twitter and Facebook comments from young women saying how happy they were to learn that what they’re going through has a name, and more importantly that they can get better! The article gave them awareness, hope, and drive—what could be better than that?

So now many people know about my history with emotional overeating. I guess I was okay with opening up because I’ve never felt—and would never feel—ashamed (embarrassed maybe, but never ashamed) to share my personal struggles with others. The way I see it, everyone has their own issues, whether it’s an eating disorder, a problem with drugs or alcohol, history of abuse, etc. We each have our own thing, so I’m not concerned about whether or not people are judging me for mine.

Now by no means am I saying I think you must go out and scream from the rooftops that you have BED (unless you want to, of course…heck, make up a dance to go along with it if you’d like); what I am saying is that relinquishing a deep, dark secret can not only be beneficial to our peace of mind, but you also never know who else you may help by opening up. Just think of what Sunny’s done for all of us by providing us with this blog, and now the book! It takes some courage, but I’ve found that revealing that you’re (gasp!) not perfect, can literally be a lifesaver.

Thanks for contributing, Erica! Now, how many family, friends (or strangers) know about your struggles with weight and food? Did opening up help you let go of some shame? xo…Sunny

I have Food Guilt. I have the voice of the Food Police ready to count calories, measure food, weigh my choices.But earlier this week I read a blog post by Tina from Carrots N Cake and I was so inspired by when Tina wrote that she had a moment where she decided to put the Food Guilt down and just enjoy the food because it was good. Wow.

It made me think about one of my all-time favorite/helpful books, Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. I ‘think’ I practice Intuitive Eating, but I still have a long way to go. I am making progress: This morning I was sitting with my cat, listening to her purr, and thinking about how I don’t have to have the Food Guilt. I really like healthy foods. I can eat anything (ice cream, pizza, donuts, whatever), but I choose not to eat the foods that my body rejects. (I have celiac disease and within a few minutes of eating anything containing gluten like regular bread or pasta, I begin to have the most horrible, uncontrollable gas and bloating.) I used to think, a few bites won’t hurt, but a few bites do hurt. For me, I either get gassy or go to a binge (which brings on more hurt).

Bottom line: I don’t want to feel bad, so I decided that while I can eat anything, I don’t want to eat some things. The Food Police and Food Guilt can talk for hours, but I don’t have to listen. The only thing I need to listen to is my body. If it’s craving something, then I can eat it. I don’t have to weigh, measure, obsess. My body tells me what it needs, I just need to listen. And then the Food Guilt evaporates.

The most helpful take-away I got from the book Intuitive Eating is to challenge the Food Police. I extrapolate this Food Police idea to include the Size Police, Calorie Police, Scale Police, Fat Talk Police, Comparing-Myself-to-Everyone Police. All of these police forces bombard my daily thoughts. I hear echoes of these thoughts when I talk with girlfriends. I see images that trigger these forces on TV and in magazines. I feel the pressure of these forces when I am stressed. However, since reading (and re-reading) Intuitive Eating, I am more aware of these forces and am better able to combat them.

Thanks again to Angie for sharing about the negative food and body thoughts so many of us have had to battle. One of the most important things I did that helped me banish food guilt was to stop dieting. How do you guys fight these forces?

]]>http://healthygirl.org/2011/04/19/how-to-deal-with-big-bad-food-guilt-guest-post/feed/6"There is ALWAYS Hope!" A Message From Someone Who Hit a Little Bump in The Roadhttp://healthygirl.org/2011/02/10/there-is-always-hope-a-message-from-someone-who-hit-a-little-bump-in-the-road/
http://healthygirl.org/2011/02/10/there-is-always-hope-a-message-from-someone-who-hit-a-little-bump-in-the-road/#commentsThu, 10 Feb 2011 19:20:31 +0000http://healthygirl.org/?p=2127read ]]>

Mistakes during recovery usually aren't mistakes at all—they're all a part of moving forward! (via Flickr: elycefeliz)

There were a few times during my recovery from binge eating disorder when I thought, “Hey, maybe I’m all better!”…and then found myself a week or a month later driven to binge. At first, I felt like I was failing, and had guilt about the little bumps in the road. But eventually, I came to believe that those little relapses were all a natural part of getting better for me. It was three steps forward, one step back sometimes, and that was OK. So, when I got a note from long-time HealthyGirl reader/contributorTrish saying she had relapsed, I totally understood where she was coming from. I invited her to share what happened with you all today. Thanks Trish! xo…Sunny

As most of you HealthyGirls know, the “path” to recovery is not a straight and short one. In fact, it shouldn’t even be called a “path”…it should be called a 6-lane freeway—and I’m on a bicycle. And just when you feel like you’re ready to exit, life throws you another curveball and you end up on an unpaved mountain road without a map.

I’ve been on this journey for a while now. I started my recovery with HealthyGirl about a year and a half ago. I was prepared for the occasional setback and I got through the first few with minor scratches…and just as I thought I was really reaching the point where I could accept myself and really move on from binge eating, I hit a wall. Hard. It totally came out of nowhere—it felt like I woke up one morning, and my mindset was set back a whole year.

I was looking at myself in the mirror and all I could see were my flaws. My hips were too wide, I was growing a double chin, and where the hell did this flab on my arms come from?! My mind started racing. What had I eaten in the last three weeks? I went over every takeout meal and every restaurant dinner date, berating myself for the awful choices I made all those nights. I literally added up the minutes I had spent on the treadmill with a calculator all the while telling myself, “You’re not working hard enough” and “You’re failing yet again.” I felt guilty, ashamed and most of all, depressed.

It was the depression that killed me. It spread its tentacles out into every aspect of my life—my relationship, my schoolwork, exercising, friendships, and any and everything that takes a little motivation. My grades slipped—I had the worst semester in law school thus far. So, on top of convincing myself that I was failing eater, I convinced myself I was a failure as a lawyer. And girlfriend. And daughter. And the list goes on and on…

You all know what depression can do to a binge eater. In my head I was screaming for help while shoving mini-marshmallows down my throat so fast I could barely breath. I gained more weight. Then finally, one night, I snapped—I craved food so bad I started to shake, and I knew if I didn’t reach out to someone for help immediately I could do irreversible damage to myself. I called my doctor and spilled the beans about how I’d been feeling that last month. He told me he was going to do everything he can to help—and I believed him. I also shot Sunny an email after I got off the phone…she was a lifesaver. I went to bed that night and slept a full eight hours for the first time in weeks.

Once I moved past this huge, insane, wild bump in the road, I looked back and tried to figure out why I took it so hard…and I still haven’t figured it out. But what I learned was that there may not always be a clear trigger, and that’s okay. Now that I’ve gotten through this, I’ll at least be able to recognize it the next time (I’m not crazy enough to think it won’t happen again) and hopefully stop it before it takes a toll on everything else in my life.

The number one thing I learned, though, was not to be afraid to reach out for help—or you will only doing yourself harm. Have a network of people that you trust and can reach out for easily, sometimes you need someone else to give you a clear perspective, and there’s nothing wrong with that! Do what needs to be done to help yourself—this is one of those times when being selfish is perfectly okay. And when you really feel like there’s no end in sight and you don’t have an ounce of hope left in your body, bookmark this post and read this sentence: there is ALWAYS hope. Keep your heads up! —Trish

Hey, it’s Sunny again. You can read more about how I and others rebounded from “slips” and temporary setbacks here and here. I just want to add one more thing: The key to getting through the ups and downs, I think, is always moving forward. I started my recovery by reading books (there weren’t blogs back then!), then I did therapy, and finally, a support group. If I hadn’t continued to move forward and try new recovery tools, I may have gotten stuck in a cycle of relapse.

Now, have any of you had lots of ups and downs while getting sane about food? How did you get through them?

Some people hop-scotch from one disordered eating behavior to another on their way to finding freedom. Have you ever done that? (photo via flickr/MC Quinn)

When I was writing my book, experts told me that it’s incredibly common for people to use several different disordered eating behaviors over their lives. You might start out with extreme dieting or purging, but then fall into bingeing, then boomerang back to restricting again. That’s why I asked Angie to share her story. At different times in her life she has fallen on all different spots on the disordered-eating spectrum—and I thought many of you might relate. xo…Sunny

Hi, my name is Angie and I’m recovering from multiple eating disorders. I hope my story does not trigger anyone, but some readers might find the content triggering. Please consider your health and wellbeing before reading. My eating disorder journey started with compulsive overeating when I was 10 years old. We lived in military housing on a remote area of the base. There were only eight houses on the street which was the entire neighborhood. I felt very isolated from peers. With few friends, and busy parents, I had a lot of time on my hands. I filled that time by eating. When I was not in school, I ate and watched TV. I ate not because I was hungry, but because I was lonely and scared.

My parent’s marriage was ending and I wanted to feel safe, secure, and full. Food helped to fill some part of me, at least temporarily, so I ate. After several weeks of this type of eating my Mom noticed weight gain and started to monitor my food consumption. I started to sneak eat, and, when she caught me, she made it clear that if I wanted to be liked and accepted, I needed to be thin. More than anything I wanted to be liked and accepted so I literally stopped eating to drop the weight. It worked. I seemed to find more approval from my parents and peers so I began an obsession with anorexia. Sustaining a life without food is difficult so my entire existence became focused on how to not eat, but appear to be eating. I checked out of life by obsessing about food to avoid reality.

My body dysmorphia could not have been worse and I began to have negative self-talk 24×7. As I struggled with physical hunger, I lost all perspective about food. When I did eat, I engaged in bulimic behaviors to purge the food that I had consumed. I do not want to detail my bulimic practices, but, to this day, those days of living with anorexia and bulimia were the most destructive and devastating days I have known.

By some miracle, a family member forced my parents to recognize my life was at risk and I was hospitalized. By the time I was hospitalized I had hit bottom and was completely ready for recovery. I began a long program of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). While the hospitalization was only five weeks, my outpatient therapy continued for years. I learned so much about myself and what life could offer. With the official diagnosis of my eating disorders and depression, I realized that I was sick with diseases that affected other people: I was not alone. Realizing other people had recovered from these diseases was a relief so I embraced the CBT and used these tools for a long, sustained period of recovery.

After 15 years of recovery I had some major life changes occur and I relapsed. Not a little relapse; it was a devastating relapse that snuck up on me. At the time I started to relapse my life was so busy that I didn’t think about how my change in eating behaviors might signal the onset of another eating disorder. Things started slowly. I would binge when alone. I rationalized the binges by congratulating myself for not restricting or purging. The binges left me feeling terrible and I could not stop bingeing. I did not want anyone to realize I had a problem so I became preoccupied with trying to maintain my weight and size while bingeing. I felt terrible inside and out. What was wrong with me? I was trying so hard not to be anorexic and bulimic that I didn’t realize my behavior fell into a newly identified category of eating disorders: Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

Given my life with a husband, two young children, and full-job was so hectic, I felt like the only way I could find help was to reach out online. After months of searching online, I found healthygirl.org. When I read Sunny’s story, I cried. I felt so much relief to know that I, again, was not alone. I read more about BED and realized that I had fallen into relapse. As I struggled to recover from BED, I put a lot of rules on my food consumption and became obsessed with healthy, ‘clean’ eating. Months later I realized that this behavior was in-line with yet another eating disorder: Orthorexia.

Stunned that all of my coping mechanisms were leading me to eating disorders, I finally asked for help and restarted cognitive behavioral therapy. I had stopped CBT when I was around 20 years old due to a change in health insurance, but, at 35, realized it was the only way I was going to find help. I have found recovery (again). Today I am grateful for my recovery and careful with my life. I realize that even after years of recovery, little things can happen and I can be triggered into restarting an eating disorder. Yes, there are a lot of issues that I have skimmed over, but I hope this part of my story helps anyone struggling with multiple eating disorders realize that you are not alone and recovery is possible. Thanks for reading. —Angie

Have you ever bounced from one strange eating behavior to another? Perhaps extreme dieting to bingeing and back again? Where are you now in your journey? xo…Sunny

]]>http://healthygirl.org/2011/01/31/2115/feed/15Cabbage Soup, Master Cleanse, Zone, South Beach—How All These Diets Just Led to Bingeshttp://healthygirl.org/2010/12/16/cabbage-soup-master-cleanse-zone-south-beach%e2%80%94how-all-these-diets-just-led-to-binges/
http://healthygirl.org/2010/12/16/cabbage-soup-master-cleanse-zone-south-beach%e2%80%94how-all-these-diets-just-led-to-binges/#commentsThu, 16 Dec 2010 13:35:42 +0000http://healthygirl.org/?p=2086read ]]>A big thanks to Nina at Help for Eating Disorder for sharing her Real Story of recovery with us today:

After years of crazy diets—including, yech, the cabbage soup craze—Nina is an intuitive eater and free from bingeing and restricting!

I was always an active and athletic child – heavily involved in sports at school, dancing on the weekends and competing at a national level in rhythmic gymnastics. Food and weight had never been an issue. My weight always stayed within a healthy range, mainly due to all the exercise and at home the meals were always home cooked and un processed. During college, many of the physical activities stopped and I started to face new emotional problems of shyness, isolation and excessive drinking. I turned to drinking and controlling my weight to keep my focus off the things that were really bothering me.

I started my first diet in 2000, a strict Atkins diet that at first was miraculous. I lost a lot of weight but I grew disturbingly obsessed with food and dropping even more weight. The extreme dieting created a boundary between me and the world. I stopped going out, I lost friends, I refused to eat out at restaurants and my weight plummeted to a new low, where I lost my period and had to be hospitalized. The years that followed saw my diet and weight loss obsession increase even further, but I started to lose the control that I once had.

Binge eating started – first it was a one-off, and then increased to a weekly “treat”. Eventually it was a daily happening that I had no control over. I gained a massive amount of weight and was unable to stay on any diet that I tried. And boy did I try! I went on every possible diet that I could find – from the Cabbage Soup, Master Cleanse, Fit for Life, Zone, South Beach, Raw Food, Macrobiotic and Juice Fast. I started each one with enthusiasm and vigor, believing each morning that this would be “the one”. Only to find myself hitting every bakery on my way home, and crying in the grocery store, furiously adding binge food into my cart, unable to comprehend why I just couldn’t stick to it.

I started to see that perhaps the only problem wasn’t my frustrated weight loss attempts. Perhaps it had something to do with the disconnect that was going on between my body, soul and mind. It was starting to affect every area of my life. I lost a great job, my fiancé and had very few friends left. The binge and purge episodes were getting longer – sometimes I didn’t leave the house for days.

So with the same enthusiasm that I went into each diet with, I now transferred into trying to get help. But what was this problem that I had? Binge eating? Bulimia? Overeating? I researched it all, tracked down every therapist and support group that dealt with these issues and was more determined than ever to get better.

My personal rock bottom was knowing that I would die if I continued to live this way. I knew that there would be no way that I could have a child, a relationship, a job or care about anything other than food and my weight. It was a selfish existence in hell!

The process of getting better was not quite what I expected. I wanted someone to come into my life, hand me a magic pill which would remove this obsession from my warped mind. I wanted to live – to be able to enjoy my life, to go out, to travel, to have a relationship without constant thoughts of what I was and wasn’t going to eat, how much weight I was planning to lose and calculating how many hours I wold need to spend at the gym to burn off the excess calories. My life had come down to food and numbers, and I hated it!

However, there was no magic pill. What there was, however, was a journey into myself, into understanding that I had the power to change and that anything is possible if you have enough commitment and dedication to your health.

I saw therapists, I talked about my circumstances in support groups, I wrote in a journal, learned to meditate and ask for help when needed – instead of turning to obsession with food and weight.

I also had to move away from the dieting mentality and towards health. I knew that every time I tried to heavily restrict my eating, the result was more binge eating and self hatred. I had to change my relationship with food, to view it as non-threatening and to trust my internal hunger signals.

I now consider myself recovered from eating disorders and a healthy, intuitive eater. I eat food that I actually like; I have a healthy body, exercise because it makes me feel amazing. I love trying new types of exercise – anything from running to kick boxing, yoga and dance.

Most of all, I hope I can help others who are struggling with an eating disorder by passing on the message that complete recovery is possible. I was always trying to find someone who had been through the same hell as me and had recovered to a point where they had a healthy relationship with food and was no longer obsessed and controlled by it. I do live this way and I hope to reach others who are struggling and let them know that they can too – there is a way out.

I agree with Nina wholeheartedly: There is a way out! It can be tough, and it can take a years for some of us, but if you keep going, keep seeking help and trying new steps toward recovery, you can be free of bingeing and food obsession. Did Nina’s story bring anything up for you guys? xo…Sunny

A big thank you to Samantha for sharing her Real Story with us today. We don’t talk about anorexia a whole lot on HealthyGirl.org, but for many disordered eaters, starving and bingeing are really just two sides of the same coin. And many of them do both. I’m sure all of you will find something to relate to in Samantha’s story. xo…Sunny

My name is Samantha and I am a (slowly but surely) recovering anorexic food addict. Sound funny? Yeah, to me too.

It was around the 6th grade when I suddenly put down all sweets and “bad” food and decided to be a “healthy” eater. I would only eat foods that I deemed healthy, passing on the bags of chips and delicious treats that my girlfriends were lunching on. Initially my new behavior drew remarkable praise. “Wow!” they all said. “What willpower!” I loved the positive attention and while I grew smaller in size, inside I felt big and strong for being able to say no. By the time the positive attention faded and the vicious taunts were being thrown, the fear of “fat” and addiction to my behaviors had already set in—there was no turning back.

It wasn’t until years later, suffering through bouts of under eating, over exercising, and the abuse of any pill under the sun that promised me thinness, that I started to see signs of compulsive eating. I look back now on my attitude toward food in high school and college and can recognize how unhealthy my eating behavior was. While at the time I thought I was just hungry, I was in fact stuffing myself.

A little over a year ago I found myself engaging in a vicious cycle of over exercising and under eating all week followed by “free days” on the weekends where I would binge on my favorite foods. My weekend revolved around trips to my favorite takeout spots to pick up my food and get my feast organized—party for one. I would socialize with friends only in minimal amounts, knowing that my binge was awaiting me at home. If I didn’t get enough food the first time, I would call and order more or take another trip to the store. I ate more calories within those two days than I took in all week. I would eat until my belly ached. And then I would eat some more.

I have done shameful, unforgivable things with food. I have thrown out more loafs of bread than I can count; I have wasted countless tubs of all kinds of spreads. I have doused desserts in detergent only to, minutes later, try to eat around the edges. I have felt so ashamed. I don’t want to be ashamed anymore. I don’t have to be, and you don’t either.

I had worn the anorexia like a badge of honor. Shameful that our society praises and promotes stick thin figures and denying oneself the pleasure of food is often looked upon as “self-control” rather than what it is: restriction and starvation. But the compulsive eating? It was my dirty little secret. And I kept it quite well. I have often felt like I was leading a double life, anorexia on the surface and food addict (not too) deep inside. A brief excerpt of a journal entry I wrote during this painful time:

“All I can think about is canceling any plans I may have this week, crawling back into my world, the only place I feel super comfortable. Feeling myself entails starving, exercising, and truly doing very little. It’s sad that I get excited about going back to my world. It’s easier there, I’m comfortable. I have less anxiety. Right now I am struggling with anxiety, commitments that I may have that I can’t keep won’t keep. I need to shut everyone and everything out. I can’t do much. I don’t want to leave me alone.

I just want to be happy. Genuine happiness.

The force of the beast inside of me is far stronger than I am. It’s the scariest oddest most inhuman thing that one can imagine. And I fucking hate it. And yet I love it more than anything else.”

Sound familiar? We don’t have to live this way.

This is an insidious disease. But it’s a battle that can be won—and a fight you don’t have to fight alone. I am in therapy, see a nutritionist, attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings, and last year, after much contemplation, I decided it was time to try an inpatient program. It was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. But I know I have so much more to give in this lifetime, to the world—and to myself. And I just needed a little extra help to get to where I need to be—and I still do. I have come so far, but every day I fight this disease. It will get easier, but it’s still a battle. But one that I now know I can and will win. I encourage anyone considering this option to give yourself this gift. If you feel your life is unmanageable, hand over the reigns. Let someone help you. It may not be easy, but it’s worth it—and so are you.

You don’t have the time to hear every detail, every trial and tribulation, every moment this disease has stolen from my life—and not by want or will—we don’t have a choice, something painfully and commonly misunderstood. The most important thing for me to convey by sharing my story is that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that there is hope. You can get help—and you are not alone.

Thanks again to Samantha for sharing her story. There’s one more thing I’ve got to say before I turn it over to you guys: Samantha mentions in her post that she did some “unforgivable” things with food. No, she didn’t! There is nothing to be forgiven! We didn’t ask for these issues to be a part of our life, but they are. And as long as we have the courage to be honest, and to take steps to grow and heal, there is nothing to regret. Now, did reading Samantha’s story bring anything up for you? xo…Sunny

]]>http://healthygirl.org/2010/11/07/real-story-is-binge-eating-more-shameful-than-anorexia/feed/16How Much Do Looks Matter to You—and Is It Messing Up Your Efforts to Get Sane About Food?http://healthygirl.org/2010/10/11/how-much-do-looks-matter-to-you%e2%80%94and-is-it-messing-up-your-efforts-to-get-sane-about-food/
http://healthygirl.org/2010/10/11/how-much-do-looks-matter-to-you%e2%80%94and-is-it-messing-up-your-efforts-to-get-sane-about-food/#commentsMon, 11 Oct 2010 05:00:28 +0000http://healthygirl.org/?p=1933read ]]>HealthyGirl.org reader and contributor Erica is back today with a guest post about finding herself in a bit of a tougher spot than usual with food and her body. Getting sane about food is a winding road, and we all have little hills and valleys—big thanks to Erica for being so honest about hers here. xo…Sunny

“Within the last month I’ve been eating a lot of junk food and having mini binges, and my workouts have not been enjoyable or empowering. As I was struggling on the treadmill one day, huffing and puffing at a pace and incline that could usually allow me to leisurely read a magazine, I broke out crying. I felt like a hamster on a wheel, making myself do this so I could get back on track and not lose the tone that I had worked hard to attain over the summer. A voice inside me begged out loud, ‘Please be kinder! Please, please be kinder!’ over and over again. Like many of us are, I know I’m often too hard on myself, particularly in the looks department, and I think this little freak-out was a sign from my inner-self telling me it had had enough. Can’t say I blame it.”

“See, while I know my body image has evolved positively since recovering from binge eating disorder, I still have an underlying desire to look a certain way. Admittedly, it’s a bit hard to focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle for the sole purpose of being healthy. As much as I preach that I’m trying to take better care of myself so that I can be a healthy, strong old lady in the future, it’s tougher to concentrate on that abstract, distant goal than it is to notice how I look today.

“Speaking of looks, I’m realizing just how much I look in the mirror—and I’ve decided I’m going to try and go a day without doing so. I know this isn’t practical for every day life, but for once I’d like to not sneak glances at myself and pinch back my hips to see what I would look like with less flesh there. Don’t get me wrong, I often love how I look, but I want to put a bit less emphasis on appearance either way. From a quick Google search, I see that this challenge isn’t very original. Dove had a seven-day challenge, and some girl on Facebook tried it for 21 days. At this point all I’m asking of myself is one day—I’m doing this because I need to re-focus.

“I’m in a workout and food rut, and I believe that is mainly because I’ve lost sight of why I want (or should want) to eat right and exercise. Perhaps I’ve taken my recovery for granted in that once I got better I stopped reading those motivating books, food journaling, and using the other helpful tactics that got me where I am now. On the bright side, I’ve learned that, similar to a doctor or teacher trying to stay current in her profession, an eating disorder survivor should dip into her old toolbox every so often to keep herself on track, always learning, always improving.

“I know what you’re going to say (and what I would tell any of you if you were feeling this way), and that’s progress over perfection. So I’m just going to breathe and keep that in mind. Until then, to those of you who consider yourselves to be recovered, how often do you use the strategies you did when you were first beginning the healing process? Or did you never stop using them?” —Erica

Have any of you ever had an experience like Erica? I know that over my recovery, as my life got fuller and my self esteem grew, appearance became less important to me than my happiness and health. And caring more about my insides than my outsides gave me the freedom from guilt and allowed me to bring joy back into exercise and eating. Please share whatever this brings up for you! xo…Sunny