ALLENTOWN, PA—Marveling at the creature’s unrestrained enthusiasm, local pet owner Jessica Palmer told reporters Monday that her box turtle, Lars Von Tortoise, had been going hog wild on his terrarium’s new moss-covered stick. “Damn, he’s really going nuts on that thing,” said Palmer, adding that the turtle had not…

PHOENIX—Calling it the perfect expression of affection for that special animal lover in your life, PetSmart reportedly introduced the world’s first heart-shaped puppy this week just in time for Valentine’s Day. “We believe that your significant other deserves a genetically modified companion as completely unique as…

LONDON—A new study published this week in the journal Animal Behaviour revealed that house cats only meow when they want to alert their owners that they just witnessed a neighbor’s murder while looking out a window. “Through direct observation and analysis of feline vocal patterns, we were able to confirm that the…

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Explaining that the immense pressure and heat within the cabin had proved too much for their fragile canine bodies, SpaceX confirmed today that all 400 dogs aboard its Falcon Heavy prototype rocket failed to survive the trip into orbit. “Sadly, we must report that 315 adult dogs and 85 puppies made…

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Blaming the punishing physical toll the game takes on their bodies, an alarming report released Sunday by the National Center for Sports Safety revealed that 78 percent of Puppy Bowl participants die before reaching the age of 50 weeks. “Our data confirmed pugs, cocker spaniels, and huskies that…

SCOTCH PLAINS, NJ—Stressing they did all they could to make sure he was comfortably detonated, local parents Linda and John Crowley gently explained Friday to their son why the family dog had to be blown up with dynamite. “I’m sorry we have to tell you this, sweetie, but Rocky was old and in a lot of pain, so your…

WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back. “Our data show conclusively that every human who says they’re going to work is, in fact, gone forever the very moment they shut the door…

ST. LOUIS—Offering more affordable fare for the animals rotting away in cages, Purina on Monday debuted new Slovenly Feast for nasty-ass shelter cats. “With the flavors these scraggly, half-dead felines have come to expect, Slovenly Feast is the perfect meal for shelter cats,” said spokesperson Linda Brashear, adding…

MADISON, WI—Wheels kicking up dust as her car peeled out of the driveway, local grandmother Delores Hanson jumped into her 2005 Buick Lesabre for an emergency birdseed run, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’ll be goddamned if the blue jays are going hungry!” said Hanson, her vehicle powersliding around a corner and into…

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn. “Friendly, smart, super-sweet BAILEY,” read the poster that reportedly would not shut up about the “beloved…

LEWISBURG, PA—Refuting one of the most fundamental assumptions about feline behavior, a new study published Wednesday by researchers at Bucknell University found that 90 percent of all meowing actually comes from owners trying to get their cats to meow back. “We observed that meowing was exceedingly rare among common…