What should elderly parents do when it comes to dividing up the stuff that’s in their homes?

Money is one thing, but what about Great Aunt Mary’s vase, Uncle Joe’s pocket watch or the sentimental toothpick holder that sat in the kitchen window forever?

Attorney Paul Meyer of Bart, Meyer & Co., LLP specializes in trusts, estates, probate and taxation and says dividing up personal property often can be troublesome. Meyer, who is immediate past resident of the Savannah Estate Planning Council, offers several tips for dividing up assets.

“All disputes begin and end with the personal property,” he said. “I don’t care how much money there is. This is especially true in the South. Maybe Sherman took so much that what was left we hold onto for dear life,” he added, referring to Gen. William T. Sherman, who burned and pillaged his way through Georgia. “But it is also true elsewhere (we have clients with children all over the world so it is interesting to notice the differences in people from other places).”

Here’s what Meyer tells clients:

• “Parents are the only ones who can avoid conflict. By ignoring the issues, and by not giving a clear plan, you are most likely leaving a legacy of hard feelings and misunderstandings.

• “Remember that children have sacred memories that oftentimes center around an object. It is not selfishness or materialism, but instead, it is a way to remember a loved one through a keepsake.

• “If there is a second marriage, the two parents need to decide their overriding policy and then sign a joint declaration of what should be kept for the surviving spouse and what should go to the predeceased spouse’s children immediately upon death. Even the most reasonable children of a deceased parent will show up at the proverbial doorstep of the step-parent looking for ‘their’ heirlooms.

• “And finally, fair is not equal. When it comes to all other assets, you can say to divide them equally, but personal property does not work that way.”

So what should parents do? Meyer offers these recommendations:

• “Leave a clear list and try and explain why each keepsake is passing to a specific person.

• “Have a clear understanding signed by both parents if it is a second marriage.

• “When making the list, don’t be afraid that a child will be mad at you. It is better that you are clear and the child be mad at you, than for the children to be mad at each other.

• “Mark the personal property if necessary, but a list is better.

• “Give the list to your attorney or even your children before you die.

• “Make it clear that you can always change your mind.

• “Finally, be careful not to make off-handed remarks about who gets what. Children remember everything you say.”

If there is no list, Meyer has the recommendations for dividing assets:

• “The children must sort it out. In-laws can be fantastic people, but they really are not productive members of this conversation, even in the closest of families.

• “No court is inclined to get in the middle of a personal property dispute. The court will give you a venue to argue, but in this realm, it is really Solomon splitting the baby. Remember, if the baby is split, you get equal parts of half a baby. That is not good.”

There are options, he added:

• “Talk it through.

• “Draw straws to see who will go first. Then pick 1-2-3 then 3-2-1 until it is all gone.

• “If there are valuable pieces, have things appraised by a qualified appraiser. Qualified means one that the children will trust. Then, divide the appraisal by the number of persons receiving a share. This will give you how much each person has in their ‘account.’ Then draw straws to determine the order of picking. As a person picks a piece, the value is deducted from their ‘account.’ Once their ‘account’ is negative, they are either finished or they pay money into the estate to ‘make a deposit.’”

“Finally,” Meyer explained, “it is pretty common for a family member to place what seems to be an inordinate amount of significance on a relatively insignificant object.” If this occurs, this is the advice that should be given, he added:

“To the person who is placing value on the object: ‘Are you giving up too much for this object? Have you properly valued the sentimental and intangible part of the object? Can others do the same, and if so, how can you be reasonable?’ To the person who really thinks the object is worth nothing: ‘You could be shrewd, or you could decide it means nothing to you, so why not let the other person have it? Do you really want a loved one to pay dearly for something that really has no value to you?’”

“The answer to that last question may tell you a lot about your client or about yourself if you are honest,” Meyer said.