Answer Softly. Answer Clearly.

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” —Seneca

This is a truth about life and relationships. But it starts with an illustration from a website.

The Internet can be a tough place. Readers and commenters hide behind keyboards and IP addresses. Safe in their home or coffee shop, some people go to great lengths to attack people and positions through the words they post online. Without the disadvantage of standing eye-to-eye with their opponent, they express disapproval, anger, or jealousy using words in comments, tweets, and blog posts they would never use face-to-face. We call them trolls and haters.

I’ve received my fair share. Not an inordinate amount (this community is among the most encouraging on the Internet), but certainly enough. It’s tough to be in the public eye nowadays without receiving some negative feedback and personal attacks.

But if you watch closely, you’ll notice I have a specific formula when addressing negative commenters on this blog or social media. I usually begin by thanking the commenter for the question or comment.

On Becoming Minimalist, it will read like this, “Thanks for the comment xxx and thanks for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts on this point.” Then, my kind response is followed by a clear answer to the charge (if it requires a response). Answer kindly. Answer clearly.

But this is not just an article about commenting on blogs. This is an important truth about life and relationships and people—because there are trolls and haters in every walk of life.

There is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I have found this to be true over and over again in my interactions online and offline.

Gentle words soften the spirit of the accuser and exposes their foolishness to others. It prepares the platform for you to present your argument effectively. Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger.

In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words. In our marriages, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our relationships online, turn away negativity with positivity.

When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Comments

Its almost like you just watched my morning interaction with my 12 yr old. It did not go well. I then spent the 20 min drive back home reeling about how horrible it went and how differently I should have behaved. Your words put what I was thinking into perfect perspective. Well said. So true. And the end result will feel so much better when it starts with kindness. If only I had read this first. ;) I am saving this, and reminding myself often!!

Been there and done that. .x3 teenagers!! They seemed to know how to push my buttons! ;/ All in their 20s now and we have great relationships. The best thing I was taught (by my mum’s actions) was to ‘front-foot’ and get in first with my apology. .a clear, unequivocal one. Just stating what I’M sorry for and stopping right after that.! It’s a humbling step but it did work. :)

5-6 Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don’t miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out.

Jewish proverb. I see what you did there. It’s a good one though. And there’s the old “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”.
My dad was always like that, very soft spoken, always deescalating most situations. Calm, cool, and collected. I always admired him for that.

Excellent article! I have no doubt about the Jewish proverb, but wonder if it originates from the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1