Parents Even Worse Than You: Burying Beetles

Your kids are hungry for the 3,085th time since sunrise, your wife is pissed off because she had to pick up all of your socks that didn’t make it into the hamper from the free throw line, aka the doorway, and your house looks like the hotel wake up scene in The Hangover. Omg, is there a baby in the closet?

Parenting is not what you expected and you’re feeling like a total failure. You could implement some practical behavior correcting techniques from a parenting magazine and look into some therapy sessions like a responsible adult, or you could read the rest of this article about a parent who’s doing a way crappier job than you and feel instantly better about yourself.

Next time your kids start mouthing off about not wanting to eat the pizza pocket you slaved over the microwave for because it “tastes like bubbling lava,” you can inform them that some kids eat regurgitated death meat their parents chewed off the walls.

“Bring it in, kids. Daddy has a bedtime story for you.

Once upon a time, a man and a woman found a rotting carcass that they rolled into a ball and spit on its hairless body – because they removed all of it themselves – to preserve its body. Then they buried the corpse so that they could live inside of it, but also eat it. Kinda like that story about the gingerbread house you guys love so much.”

“Daddy, I’m scared.”

“Yeah, it’s terrifying, pumpkin, you should be. Anyway, so the two of them did a little dance so they could have kids and be a mommy and daddy only the mommy had more kids than she could take care of so she ate some of them. The mommy and daddy only had one thing on the menu for their kids to eat. Can you imagine that? One thing instead of a list of, like, five things that the kids just ate without whining about it!”

“What did they eat, daddy?”

“They ate puke, honey, and not even their own. They ate their parents’ puke after they ate the rotting flesh of their fun little meat house.”

No, that’s not Ed Gein as a dad. I’m talking about the burying beetle.

(Getty/Nastasic)

Male burying beetles fight over the carcasses of small animals like birds and mice and then spritz their pheromones around like Sex Panther by Odeon to attract a female. Females, on the other hand, can fertilize their own eggs using leftover sperm from beetles who previously occupied the carcass and “knew each other in the biblical sense” and I don’t know whether I should be fascinated or super grossed out.

Burying beetles preserve the corpse they’ve found by pulling out all of its hair and covering it with antifungal and antibacterial secretions they produce in their mouths and their butts [snicker, snicker] then roll it into a ball and bury it in the ground to live in. There’s not enough shiplap in the world for that fixer-upper. Once the female has babies, the brood feeds off of the carcass with a side of regurgitation.

Too many mouths to feed? While other parents would take on a second job or work on a budget, burying beetles will cull their young. There’s a fun animal fact you can tell the next kid that asks for a snack two minutes after not eating their damn dinner.

Eat their children

Make their family live inside of a rotting cadaver

Feed their kids vomit

So, you can’t afford that American Girl doll for your daughter and your son’s teacher is concerned about the family portrait he drew where you’re screaming and on fire? Well, at least you’re not eating the kids, so who comes out tops in this parenting toss-up? You do.

Dad Builds Wheelchair-Accessible Igloo for His 9 Adopted Kids

Parenting is a tough gig. We’re all doing the best we can, trudging through, mostly happy to survive another day without blowing it too badly.

Then we run across some parents who are doing more than merely surviving, they’re crushing it on every level, and making us look like amateurs. Like the Cincinnati dad who built an igloo for his kids, complete with wheelchair access. Nine kids. All of whom have special needs. All of whom they’ve adopted.

If I had nine kids, I wouldn’t have the energy to get out of bed, let alone build an igloo, let alone add a ramp to the igloo! Gregg Eichhorn is a superhero, and so is his wife Katie.

“We adopt all medical and special needs kids because seems like those are the kids where they have the hardest time finding homes for them,” Eichhorn told CBS.

His oldest, 19-year-old Zahara, was adopted from Uganda. She is non-verbal and uses a wheelchair, but she had no problem rolling into the enormous snow fort her dad built with his sister. She couldn’t wait to get in there.

“Her face lit up – she gets super excited,” Eichhorn said of Zahara’s reaction when she saw the igloo. “I think she felt like a movie star.”

He wasn’t the only one! Elijah, Zahara’s brother, also uses a wheelchair, was excited about the igloo. All nine of the Eichhorn kids were.

“They’re all loving it. They think it’s really neat,” Superdad said.

Obviously. Who wouldn’t want a badass igloo like that in their yard!

Reddit agrees. One of Gregg’s friends posted about the igloo on Reddit and it immediately took off, garnering over 70,000 upvotes and nearly 1000 comments as people shared their admiration for the dad, and for his handiwork.

Dad Lands Vacation Dates for Sons With Funny Classified Ad

If you reach a certain age and aren’t in a relationship, parents simply can’t accept it. In their eyes, you are their little prince or princess and anyone would be damn lucky to be with you.

So, bless their hearts, they do their best to help you out with setting up blind dates and plan, planning social events, or just incessant prodding about their need for grandchildren.

One particular dad from Portland, Oregon went above and beyond, however, when he placed an ad for not one, but all three of his sons in a New Zealand newspaper while they were there on vacation.

(Facebook)

“Hello Parents. We are from the States (Oregon), visiting your beautiful country. My wife and I have three wonderful, successful, handsome, alas unmarried, sons between the ages of 28-32,” the ad in the NZ Herald read.

“We are not expecting, just hoping, to introduce our sons to nice NZ daughters. At the very least we’ll embarrass our sons and the truth is, we do find some enjoyment in that.”

Neil, the proactive father, said the ad immediately received over 200 replies and he was doing his best to sort through them all since his sons still had no idea any of it was happening.

“I’m somewhat surprised that I have got quite a lot of responses,” he said.

“It is hard to tell how many are genuine. A few are maybe just scammers but for the most part, people are really amazingly nice in your country.”

(NZ Herald/NewsTalk ZB)

Neil’s sons—Matthew, Jeremy, and Benjamin—range from ages 26 to 31 and all have steady jobs in the Pacific Northwest region. According to their dad, though, their dating lives haven’t really been a serious focus for any of them.

“I know one of my sons uses these dating sites and is always going on introductory dates and meeting somebody, but he hasn’t had a serious relationship in quite a while,” Neil told the newspaper.

“I decided to help. I have no idea what will happen, but at least we will be able to meet some people.”

Neil says he’s still deciding when and how to tell his sons about the ad, probably waiting until they are actually on the flight to New Zealand or casually slipping it in while they disembark.

“I might say, ‘Oh, by the way, I did place a little ad for you guys’,” he chuckled.

“I am sure they will be surprised and annoyed, but I am sure they will laugh. We have a good relationship and are always joking with each other. They know I am a little unusual in that regard.”

As it turns out the brothers were all good sports about it. In total the ad sparked more than 600 responses and even resulted in a few dates.

“Between my brothers and I, we went on a few one-on-one dates,” Benjamin told the Daily Mail.

“[New Zealand women] are very intelligent, kind, friendly people. We love their accents. They were a lot of fun, everyone we met seemed nice.

“I think we will continue to stay in touch with the people we met. We really want to come back – it was a beautiful country.”

Father Figures: Unconventional and Unexpected

“We were 10 months into marriage as 23-year-olds, new to NYC. Jake was in grad school at Columbia while we were getting used to living in our 400 sq. ft. studio in Washington Heights. His mechanical engineering midterms were coming up, so I made some freezer meals and went to CA to visit my family while he studied and took tests.

Two days into my trip home, we got a call from an old friend to adopt her sweet baby girl.

While my saying yes was immediate, I of course knew I should probably consult my husband! So I called him, around midnight his time, and asked him if we could keep her! (This is possibly what caused him to go grey at 25?)

He replied, “What? Is that allowed? Of course! We have to do the right thing,” and watching him meet her a week later was the most special experience. It was an unconventional and unexpected way to enter into parenting, but he is absolutely crushing the dad game and it’s as if the dad jokes started immediately.

It’s like something releases in the brain once you’re wildly in love with your kids. He’s holding off on the white leather New Balances for now, but causes our daughter, Stella Grace, to light up with his imaginative play and jumping on the trampoline.

He even said it’d be okay to have a few more kids, and he just bought me a minivan, so I assume that means he wants to max it out! I’m thankful for the father he is!”

– Monique Coleman

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Persistence Of Time

Frosty the Snowman Stops Vehicular Vandals in Their Tracks

Sometimes things just work out perfectly.

Cody Lutz of Petersberg, KY enjoyed the recent snowfall in the “Bluegrass State” by constructing a giant 9-foot-tall snowman with his fiancee and soon-to-be sister-in-law.

Lutz commented in a Facebook post that his fiancee’s sister was “elated to experience the biggest snowfall she’s ever seen.”

(Cody Lutz Media)

Using a giant tree stump as a foundation for “Frosty,” this giant snow fellow was about as sturdy as they come. So much so, in fact, that he survived a head-on collision with a would-be vandal’s car.

When Lutz cam home later that day, he noticed tire tracks leading up to the snowman from the road. Clearly, some motorist out there had vehicular snowmanslaughter on the mind but underestimated all the junk in Frosty’s trunk.

(Cody Lutz Media)

The snowman looks a little worse for wear with the tree stump in its base now exposed, but the snowy imprint of the bumper definitely adds some flair.

“You reap what you sow,” Lutz said. “Still standing and still smiling, Frosty certainly had the last laugh!”

Father Figures: I Was His

“My mother married an abusive man who was in the military. He moved her out to Germany, where he was stationed. He was the biological father of my sister and me. After my sister was born, my mother decided to leave him to escape the abuse. He hasn’t been in our life since.

When she moved back to the states, she reconnected with her school sweetheart. They’d known each other since they were kids themselves. This man is my dad. He loved my sister and me the moment he saw us. He always treated us like his own.

He and my mom had my second sister together, and he raised us all with equal treatment. He was there to teach, praise, discipline, and love all of us. For the longest time, I didn’t realize we weren’t blood, but that didn’t matter because we’re more.

He and my mom eventually divorced and we moved to a different state. Dad moved to the same state to spend more time with us. He’d take us all out separately and spend quality time with each of us. Once we became adults, he moved back to California.

It actually wasn’t until I’d gotten older, and someone asked me about my “half sister,” that I’d ever thought of that before. I was offended because I’d always considered her and my dad blood. This raised subtle doubts in my mind that maybe since I wasn’t his blood, he didn’t consider me 100% his son. Maybe I wasn’t good enough to be this amazing man’s blood son, even though he never gave me any reason to doubt.

Then he got really sick with a blood disease. It got bad fast. At this point I’m an adult raising my own kids trying to live up to his example while struggling to make ends meet. He’s hospitalized the next state over and doesn’t have much time left. His disease had taken a toll on his mind. He’d stopped recognizing people, and it was difficult for him to be coherent.

I packed up my family to be with him right away without a second thought. I walked in his room expecting the worst, he wouldn’t recognize me or even be able to speak. But as soon as I entered, he shot up and said “my son!” He turned to the nurse attending him, tears in his eyes, and told her “that’s my son, my son is here!” And that’s when I knew: I was his. He was in so much pain, and he was overjoyed to spend his last moments on this earth with me.

I think of him every day. My heart is full knowing my dad loved me. Every day I try to make him proud and raise my children by his example. He taught me what it really means to be a dad.”

– Nate Castillo

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

3 Things to Do With Your Kids This Weekend

Good dads know how important it is to spend quality time with their kids and how fun it can be too. But it can be tough to keep coming up with new stuff to keep your kids entertained. If you’re dreading a weekend of kids complaining about being bored while you countdown the seconds until bedtime, we feel your pain. So each week we’re going to feature 3 simple ideas of things to do with your kids.

Visit an Animal Shelter

(The Dad/Joel Willis)

Kids love animals, so you can entertain your kids and teach them about a good cause, that’s a win/win! You’ll be able to visit the various sections of animals: dogs, cats and small animals (rabbits, hamsters, etc.) I know what you’re thinking, don’t worry, you don’t have to actually adopt. Shelters are cool with non-commitment and often have rooms where you can play with the cats, even without intention of adoption.

While shelters don’t accept volunteers under the age of 18, they’re always in the need for gently used towels, sheets and blankets (that don’t contain stuffing.) So you could put together a little care package of your used items before you go. And cat toys are always in demand – you could hit up a dollar store on the way and let the kids pick out a few.

American Ninja Style Obstacle Course

Put your kids to the physical test in a homemade obstacle course. This can be done indoors or out, but since it’s January we’ll opt for the home field advantage: it’s warm and dry. Use every piece of furniture you have at your disposal: couches, chairs, pillows, beds. Get creative in your space. Ask your kids to help create the course, you’ll be surprised what they come up with.

Un-Bore a chore: The Grocery Store

When chores are mounting weekends can’t always be 100% fun time activities. So, bring the kids to the grocery store! I know, I know, hear me out. Tell your kids you’re going food shopping to get the food necessary to recreate their favorite restaurant dish at home. Let them each decide. Have them each make a mini-grocery list of the items they need. While you’re up and down the isles they can be searching for their own ingredients.

You can also challenge them to try new/weird foods from every section. Like, “who’s brave enough to try canned sardines?” Collect a handful of unique food items then make a platter out of them once you return home and see who will actually try them.

Steve Carell Is Coming to Netflix In “Space Force” [WATCH]

No, no “The Office,” unfortunately, but potentially an office-type situation, on a TV show, by the creator of “The Office.” So, close enough!

Thanks to Netflix, where the entire series is now available, appreciation for The Office, and its star, are as high as they’ve ever been. Over the past year, not only have there been a handful of mini-cast reunions, NBC announced plans for a reboot or a relaunch or a remake or a re-something of the series. But neither those reunions nor those new plans have featured any Steve Carell.

Perhaps he was paying attention to the fans who found him via Netflix, because he is making his return to the small screen via the streaming service.

The new show is called “Space Force” and will tackle the team of people responsible for bringing President Trump’s new sixth division of the armed forces – which he announced over the summer – into existence.

Not a lot is know about the show just yet. It will air on Netflix, Carell will star, and he co-created the show along with his old boss and creator of the American version of “The Office,” Greg Daniels.

Netflix announced the show with a teaser that announces the creative team behind the show, and indicates that the entire premise will be built around the absurdity of the space force’s existence. Which, I suspect, is enough to get fans everywhere on board.

Unfortunately, the closest we get to a launch date (get it?) is the teaser’s promise that “Space Force” is coming soon. To Netflix.