Caveat – this is a deeply personal post. I debated a great deal about sharing this much about my private life here, out in the open where it will be judged by anyone with internet access, and ultimately decided that since I had been chewing on this post for days – and my mind kept coming back to this post every time I sat down to write about something different – I have decided that if my mind has dwelled on this for this long, it’s clearly something I want to put out there. If you don’t really care about my life – or things that I’m going to discuss – then this post probably isn’t for you, and I encourage you to pass it by.

Because this is a pretty personal post, I am going to fairly heavily moderate comments. I am completely open to discussion, as long as it’s polite, educated and well thought out. If it gets nasty – I will not hesitate to start deleting comments. I am putting highly personal decisions and aspects of my life on display here – because I think that there is some good discussion for it, and because I think I am at a point that in my life and current relationship that I am ready to reflect on the decisions of the past. I am not putting it out there to be judged, even though I am sure that will invariably occur. If you intend to offer commentary, please remember that there is someone sitting behind the keyboard that typed all of these words out and that someone, namely me, has feelings too.

A Bit of History.

Something that a lot of people probably don’t know about me is that I was once married. I married a guy that I met during my Junior year of college, and with whom I’d always had a tumultuous relationship with. We got married after 5 years of dating and in the summer between my second and third year of law school. I often look back and think that this marriage was one of the biggest mistakes that I made in my life – but we can’t change what is already done.

You see, I used to be an extremely outgoing person with a huge personality. I had dreams that no one could shatter (except myself, as it turns out) – and I loved the odd duck that I grew up into. I was quirky, fun and didn’t have limitations. I could do, and be, anything I wanted.

Until I met my ex-husband that is.

You see, he was a good southern boy, from a good southern family. A good southern family that disliked me from day one solely because I was from the wrong side of the Mason-Dixon line (and no, I am not exaggerating this). Hell, in my eyes I wasn’t even a “Yankee” – I was from the Midwest for crying out loud. But that didn’t make a difference. Even though I was polite and used the good manners my own parents raised me to have, I didn’t refer to his relations by using “sir” and “ma’am” when answering questions or responding to them, which was apparently unacceptable and rude. Once when I was sick, I forgot to stand up when his Grandmother walked into a room and it was forever a black mark in my book.

I tried desperately hard to please his family and make them like me. I tried to so hard chasing their acceptance I realize now that over the years I started to lose who I was. I lost my confidence, I lost my personality, I lost me.

I think that the loss of myself was probably the worst part of my marriage, but there was so much more bad there. My ex-husband was verbally abusive – especially during football season – to the point where if there was a Saints game on the TV I either locked myself and the dogs away somewhere else or I just wasn’t at home. When I was trying to drop the weight I gained in law school – he would stand in front of me, waving a chocolate bar under my nose, lean right up to my face and take a huge bite. His focus on money was borderline deplorable. I remember when we went to purchase him a new car and I told him that no, we couldn’t go test drive that Range Rover he wanted because we couldn’t afford it, his completely serious response to me was “well, then you just need to make more money”. And these are just the tip of the iceburg in a broken relationship – but I won’t burden you with more.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. And somehow I accepted that I was failing.

What made it worse was that I was so lost, I was so not the woman I was when I entered the relationship, that I didn’t have the strength, courage, or self-respect to say “you know, this is bullshit and I don’t deserve this”. My mother would have been so ashamed of the shell of a woman that I had become – because it was not the girl that she raised. She raised me to be strong, independent and my own person. And when I left for college at the age of 18 I was all of those things. Yet when I entered my marriage at the age of 25 – I was none of those things.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Well, because I want to tell you how WoW found that strong 18 year old girl in the miserable 29 year old shell of a woman and rescued her.

How WoW Rescued Me

I did a post awhile back about how I had come across the term “WoW Widow” and how I felt about that. And I think that a lot of my past likely colors my opinions on the matter. But I still believe that WoW doesn’t kill relationships.

The truth of the matter is that I picked up WoW at release and I will whole heartedly admit that I used it as an escape from my already failing marriage. Now please don’t take this to mean that I didn’t try to make my relationship work – because lord knows that I did. But WoW became an escape from the horribly reality that was my day to day life – and this was of my own choice. I willingly succumbed to the fantasy and escape that it offered.

I started off just putzing around by myself – playing it as if it were a single player RPG. I declined many guild invites because I just wanted the solitude and the escape that the game offered. However eventually I caved in and joined a little guild. And it was the best thing I could have done…ever.

This little guild wasn’t getting world first kills, hell we tried to raid Blackfathom Depths! But what this little guild did was so much better. They were able to bring me – the me I wanted to be, the me I remembered being – out of my shell. They reminded me of who I was…and made me remember that I liked that person. I started re-finding my confidence. I found that I had a voice and opinions – and that those were good things. People liked hearing what I had to say and didn’t tell me to shut up then minute I started talking, or tell me that my ideas were stupid and worthless. Eventually, I ended up leading this little Friends and Family guild, and I made some great friends there. And some of those friends became people that I could confide in and talk to about the problems I was having in my life – which was something I was sorely missing at the time. These people had more influence on my life than they will ever know.

Eventually I outgrew this guild, partly because my confidence in myself had grown to the point that I wanted more. I was no longer content to just putz around I wanted to see more of what the game had to offer. WoW had reminded me what ambition was – and that I had ambition, and that was a good thing.

I joined a raiding guild – and I made more friends. For those of you who say “internet friends aren’t ‘real’ friends”, I say rubbish. The more people that I met, the more I started to remember who I was – and the more I started to recognize what I had become. And I realized that you know what? People like me. And they like me for who I am. I don’t have to change myself for people to accept me. This revelation was a huge wake up call for me.

I became empowered to be myself.

As time wore on I started to grow increasingly unhappy with this shell person that I had turned into. I started asking myself “what happened to your self-confidence”, “what happened to your ambition”, “what happened to…you”. And I started really thinking about it. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became at myself. How did this happen to me? How did I ever let other people’s perceptions of me matter more than my own self-respect? How did I become this person that I don’t even recognize anymore?

At some point, either consciously or unconsciously, I made the decision that I was going to embrace me for who I was. In time, I finally became comfortable in my own skin and didn’t give a shit if my in-laws didn’t like that because I did – and the strong, smart, confident and fearless 18 year old girl in me re-emerged. And when she returned after all those years, she kindly lent me her walking boots.

After a lot of thought, I finally found the courage and told my (ex)husband that I was miserable and wanted a divorce.

When I called and told my Mother, her response was “well, it’s about time”. Apparently everyone but me realized how miserable I was, and how much of me that I had given up for this marriage. I wish that the people would have spoken up and reached out to me sooner, although I understand that they were just trying to be supportive of the decisions that I made.

But nobody close to me had spoken up – and if I hadn’t of picked up that box on the shelf at the game store one day, the box that opened me up and ultimately rescued me, I very well could still be that shell person that I hated – living in a town I hated, working a job I hated, and in a relationship that was built on me being a person that I wasn’t. WoW didn’t fail my marriage – my marriage failed my marriage. WoW empowered me to be me – and you know what? It turns out that “me” hated my life. “Me” hated my marriage. “Me” hated who I had become. That’s not WoW’s fault – it’s mine. It’s my ex-husband’s. It’s our families. But it was most certainly not WoW’s.

The Ending

Well – I suppose this is really more “the next chapter” than the end, since this story is still in progress.

After I filed for divorce, I pretty much swore off men for the foreseeable future. I even changed guilds and made Beru, my PvP horde reroll, my main after having a fall out with some members of my alliance guild that coincided with my divorce – I don’t know if I was just trying to run away from everything associated with that time of my life to make a fresh start or if I just needed a change of pace.

Eventually I joined Monolith because I missed raiding. And with Monolith came Brade. You see – I figured if you made it this far I suppose you deserve to know another tidbit that I don’t hide, but also don’t share openly, I met Brade in WoW.

Now, I had no intention of dating. I had no intention of “meeting” anyone. In fact, after having just left such a terrible relationship, I really wasn’t interested in being in another. I was more interested in re-discovering me. But, as time passed, we would chat as I farmed dreamfoil and Nightdragon’s breath. As it turned out, we had the same interest in books and in authors – and we made some recommendations to each other to read.

Eventually we started talking back and forth via email outside of the game. And as time passed we were chatting some on the phone. It was odd, and unusual. I didn’t really want to be in a relationship – but here was a person on the other side of the country that fit so well with me. How do you turn away from that? One night he said “well, we’ve exchanged phone numbers, I think the next step would be to ask you out on a date” – and he flew to Atlanta to take me on a proper date.

I was mean and cruel, and made him pick the place – offering no assistance. But somehow, it worked out. Actually, somehow our relationship worked out. Against all of the odds – there it was. At first, I was a little embarrassed to admit that I met him in WoW – but the more I thought about it, how was that really any different than using a dating service? Actually, it was better because we already know that we have at least one thing in common.

After about a year of long distance dating (oh god the airfare!), an opportunity came up for me to leave my job in Atlanta on very favorable terms and we made the decision that I would move out to Seattle. It was a risk. But I was young, empowered and had the opportunity to shed the last thing I hated about the shell me – Atlanta. And so my parents came down and packed up everything I owned into a U-haul and moved me across the country (it doesn’t matter how old you are – your parents will always move you!).

That was four years ago.

I am probably the happiest that I’ve ever been in my life. I’m in a stable relationship (and lord knows how Brade deals with me sometimes, because I’m not always the easiest person to reckon with), I have a job that I love and Seattle is great outside of all the rain! And most importantly, everyone in my life right now accepts me for who I am. I am incredibly fortunate to be where I am right now, and as I think back on the path that brought me here none of it would have ever happened without WoW.

So when I say that WoW didn’t ruin my life, it saved it, I’m being entirely serious.

The next time that you hear someone complaining about how WoW is ruining their marriage, relationship, whatever – before you whole heartedly agree that WoW is the devil, please remember my story. I very much doubt that I am the only person that WoW has empowered and I very much doubt that I am the only person that WoW has saved. I suspect those of us who are so positively influenced are just far less vocal about our stories – which is why I wanted to share mine.

I thank you for listening. I thank you for understanding my need to finally put this out there. And lastly, I apologize if you came here looking for druid information today and found that you ended up with Oprah.

137 responses to “WoW Didn’t Ruin My Relationship, It Empowered Me.”

Thank you for sharing this. I am so happy to hear that you are in a wonderful place now. I sometimes think we have to go through the bad times so we can truely understand and appreciate the good times.

My initial exposure to WoW and experiences there are very similar to your own. I won’t get into more detail, but just know that I can relate and appreciate your honesty in this post.

Your story was incredibly well written and I feel priveleged that you shared it with us. I expect that this story will connect with more people than you realize and you will probably make a difference in some people’s lives by writing this.

I always found it interesting that people act so surprised at the idea of meeting people through WoW. You can’t help but get to know people in this game. When you put that many people in a room, connections are going to form, bonds are going to be made. I don’t see how it can’t happen or doesn’t happen. I think it would happen with any hobby or past time – if you were on a bowling team or you’re into Civil War re-enactments or what have you.

I admit that as a single female I have benefited from the social dynamics of this game, to varying degrees. It’s never been something I’ve set out to accomplish or have happen, but like you I’m not going to turn down a wonderful opportunity to meet someone that I might never have been exposed to otherwise.

I enjoy reading stories like this one, instead of the many posts like you mentioned, where people are in shock and horror about couples forming through WoW or believing that WoW is automatically the culprit when a relationship or marriage goes downhill.

Beru, I am so proud of you for finding yourself again! You were very courageous to share this with us! 🙂 I am happy that you have found happiness and I hope someday to find that too! I’m hot on your heels at 25, so we’ll see how things turn out…I’m also in a LD relationship, but it is going well so far, as we are on the same page🙂

Being comfortable in your own skin is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn in life, in my opinion. It’s not something that society truly preaches, and it’s often very hard to feel comfortable just being you. But once you realize that…the world is quite literally lifted from your shoulders🙂

Here, here. I agree. WoW does NOT ruin relationships. I have to admit it has saved my sanity at times. My hubby travels every other week, sometimes LONGER too. I have a kiddo and work. WoW is fun and cheap and I can stay home with her. I really like the guild I’m in and the players I hang with and talk to on vent. WoW friends are friends. Period. Some of them know more than folks in RL.

Many thanks for putting yourself and this post out there. Gratz on where you are now.

You will have to check under your seat to see if you were a lucky winner, Sir!😉

I look forward to events where I get the opportunity to meet up with guildmates, and there are many of my guildmates whom I consider close friends. I know that I can lean on them when I need it – just as they know I will be here if they need me. If that isn’t friendship, I don’t know what is!

Thank you so much for sharing this.❤ It makes me want to make a post about how the internet saved me – not WoW specifically, but the people I met through the activities I did. It didn't help me find me "again", it helped me find myself for the first time, and realise how miserable I was at home with my conservative religious family and how deep in the closet I was about my sexuality and how it was OKAY to love girls and how it was OKAY not to be comfortable with the fundamentalist Christianity my parents practised. And it gave me the support group I needed to leave.

I have a few friends who have recently (in the past year or two) gotten out of some HORRIBLE relationships thanks in part to the internet (because without it they never would've met the people who helped them realise they needed to get out), and I say anyone who thinks that "internet friends" can't be the same thing as "real friends" has never made them.

Grats on your awesome relationship, and here's to you and me and everyone else who's ever been saved by the internet.

I’m am very happy to hear that you were also able to become empowered and discover yourself! It’s a very challenging thing to do. And I would have to agree that people who don’t think of “internet friends” as real and substantial probably just haven’t had the pleasure of making any yet!

Thank you for sharing this. Because of some of my own experiences, I have some inkling of just how emotionally enormous putting something like this out here might be. As far as WoW and my marriage goes, game time is the time my husband and I have to do things together. He’s a disabled Marine. We can’t go for walks in the park, so we go to Nagrand. We can’t go play miniature golf, so we go beat up internet dragons. And it’s given him a connection to people through his guild. He can’t join a softball team, so he joins a raid group. Those activities in a virtual world are far better for him, and us, than spiraling into depression over his limitations.

This. So very much this. I was/am in a remarkably similar situation. I married my (ex)husband at 20 after dating him 5 years and married into a family that hated me for not being Mexican enough. (my parents spoke English? Blasphemy!) I lost the confident girl who sang all the time and danced because she loved it. I clung to my Internet Friends because they reminded me that I was funny and caring and that was ok and not something to be taken advantage of. A year and a half after leaving, I have moved across country for a man that I love dearly, that I met because of podcasting and WoW and I don’t regret it at all. I’m still working on fixing myself, but stories like this make me grateful for the WoW community and all the awesome people in it.

And just a note: I was dazzled by your personality at blizzcon. Hopefully we’ll both be as full of life there this year.

Beru. Thank you for sharing your story. “When you become embarrassed of your self, you lose your self.” I think there are a lot of people who can relate to your story. And am glad that you’ve found a happy little place to put down some roots. 🙂

Wonderful read, Beru. Be glad you posted that… I’m sure it felt very good to get it off your chest and out into the open air. Consider this post as getting rid of the last bit of emotional baggage.🙂

I think you will find a very understanding and compassionate community here to support you. I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that I’m very glad that things are working out for you now and that I wish you more of the same!

Your story is incredibly similar to mine. I was locked into an abusive marriage for five years, and in the end it was an amazing friend I met on World of Warcraft that helped me have the courage to get out. Props to you for writing about this.

I’ll reiterate the *thank you for sharing*. I’m glad you were able to recognise that you were miserable and walk away. That takes courage. Your post is very touching and strikes many chords. I don’t think of WoW as *just a game* either.
*hugs*

Very moving and inspirational, Beru. My friend is currently in a very similar situation, in that his girlfriend’s parents just hate him and there is nothing he can do to make them happy. It’s been bothering him for quite some time, but I think he has come to the same conclusion that you have, to say “screw it” and just be himself.

For all the times people dismiss WoW, or any similar medium as “just a game”, stories like yours prove that sometimes they are so much more. Bravo to you for telling your story, it must have taken a great deal of courage. 🙂

Your post today had me in tears! I’m very sorry to read that you lost a friend, that is always so difficult.

Honestly, if I had just been myself from the beginning, and not tried to seek acceptance, I probably wouldn’t have ever gotten married! Of course, then I wouldn’t be where I am now either – so everything always happens for a reason, no?🙂

Oh Beru, I cried reading this.. you deserve so much better than how you were treated. I’m so glad you got out – it sounds like it would have only become worse over time. I’m thrilled you are happy now, you deserve to be.

I have been in a relationship where my partner was not physically or verbally abusive, but would manipulate me and bully me in seemingly innocuous ways, which made him seem like a great guy on the surface, when really he was very critical of me. Looking back now, I can see that we would never have worked out, but at the time I was devoted to him and didn’t see it as a malicious thing. I can look back now at some of the things he said to me and wince that I took it on and decided it was my fault.

There were things about me that he wanted to change, and he would force me into situations that he knew made me anxious or upset, but basically figured he was doing it for my own good, to make me “better”, so he would force the issue. If I “made a big deal” about not wanting to go along with his plans, he belittled me and made me feel small. I was afraid to lose him, so I kept trying to be “better”.

Over time it chipped away at my confidence and my personality until I was constantly questioning myself and wondering about whether I was “faulty”. Long after we broke up, I finally realised what it had been doing to me, and that I don’t have to take that from anyone. It was a massive, massive turning point in my life, and has made me so very much stronger and better for it.

So I never regret the bad times and bad decisions, because I know that they brought me to where I am now. In a way, I am grateful for them.. for what they taught me, and for helping me to appreciate how wonderful my relationship is now. And I never regret “wasting my life playing computer games”, although yes, sometimes it is a bit embarrassing to say ‘we met in WoW’, but yeah – these days it’s pretty common. I don’t deny that WoW does interfere with some relationships, or perhaps even break them down.. but for me, playing WoW has taken me into relationships, good and bad, and they have all taught me important lessons and helped me to grow so much. Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Thank you for sharing your story, Keeva! I know the feelings that you are talking about very well indeed.

I absolutely agree that everything always happens for a reason – and that you won’t be the person that you are today but for the experiences that you have along the way. Good or bad, those experiences shape us into the people we become.

I am also very glad to see that the flood hasn’t washed you away! My thoughts are with you and your family.

It’s fascinating to find people empowered by going online, and either discovering or rediscovering themselves.

With me, it wasn’t WoW that did it, but I was able to find my own voice and personality (well, become comfortable with it, anyhow). I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend — in fact, I’d get angry with people saying that to me — but I started talking with someone, we clicked, and well… it’s been 16 years since we’ve been together.

I’m so glad you were able to find a way to regain what makes you you, and that you have been able to find happiness. That’s the best kind of achievement you can get, in my opinion.🙂

I think it was just the…freedom of it all that was so fantastic. The fact that here I was, completely unknown to everyone and everyone was just so, well, nice. It encouraged me to embrace my quirks and be happy with who I was!

I’m very glad that you also found someone! I can only hope that Brade has the patience to deal with me for 16 years!😉

Oh Beru /bighugs
It’s a shame that all most non-gamers see of MMOs is the bad stories… because there are so many wonderful stories told by all of us about our friends, relationships and good times we’ve had and are having in gaming!
I’m so happy for you❤

I agree that it’s too bad that most press surrounding “human interest” stories with MMOs are the negative ones, because I really do think that there are so many positive stories out there to be shared!

If you look for escapism in something, the thing you choose (be it a game, sport, or other) is always only a symptom, never the source. it’s the biggest mistake people make in their judgements of WoW for example, when they see somebody using it as an outlet (and who doesn’t need to escape from time to time anyway?).

It might create a vicious cycle for a few and perpetuate an already bad situation – but something has already been gravely amiss for this to happen. that gets overlooked easily – people want easy scapegoats.

And what they like to oversee too, is all the opposite stories, like yours; the great examples of where escaping has not made things worse, but better. maybe because it gave somebody the time he/she needed to heal. maybe because it made someone find himself again inside the anonymity and relaxed atmosphere of an online community. these cases are so much more numerous than the negative examples that tend to be blown out of proportion.
I know so many folks whose lives have been truly turned around or at least enriched by playing online games. thanks for sharing another such a great example of it with us here.🙂

I absolutely cannot agree more about it being a symptom of a larger problem. Unfortunately, many people don’t, can’t or won’t look for what is at the root of that symptom and go for the most convenient thing to point blame at.

I am honestly floored and overwhelmed by all of the people who have responded to this post sharing their stories as well. I think it’s amazing. I actually had to stop reading everyone’s responses from work because it was making me too emotional🙂

I am new to your blog (first post I have ever read). The headline brought me to it from another blog as it is something I think about often! I am in a bad relationship and I use wow to escape from reality often. I could be someone that is the the middle of the journey you just talked about!

I hope that the post provided you some insight – and I truly hope that you are able to work through everything you have on your plate right now. Honestly, one of the hardest parts was admitting to myself that I failed myself.

I was only saying on Twits the other day that ppl CAN have it all. Successful marriage, social life, children and raid. It’s a juggle, but you gotta do what’s right for you.. and it sounds like you’ve done just that! YAY!

I cried and laughed to read your story, especially because it is almost exactly my own. Unfortunately, it took 17 years of marriage to realize that if I didn’t leave that bully I would lose myself forever. At 51 I had no expectation of or desire for another relationship. Then I, too, met my new spouse playing WoW. A few years later I am married to my soul mate and am looking forward to every day. Thank you for sharing and I hope your story ends as well as mine has.

I am a true believer in *things* not being able to destroy relationships. I completely agree with you – if someone is claiming WoW is the issue, they are missing the real issues. Having someone in our lives who not only allows us to be ourselves without anger or judgment but encourages us to do so is very important to the life of a marriage (or any relationship). I’m so glad that you found the strength to leave behind the relationship that was so toxic and find one that was so uplifting. And this post that encourages people, through your very personal story, to recognize the real benefits of WoW not just as a game, but as a community, is wonderful. Thank you for sharing this. /treehug

Thank you.
I went from written RPGs to WoW, and both communities have provided amazing amounts of support and escape over the past years. Friends I met through RPGs have supported me through some unhealthy relationships – and I hope to meet the four-five of them I still chat to in-person some day.
I’m not a social butterfly at school or at work, and I still struggle immensely with connecting to people that I meet in-person. WoW has provided a place where I can make friends, I can be liked for who I am, and I hope with time that the confidence it brings me will carry over to the rest of my life as well.

Hey Beru,
Although my situation was not as severe as yours, when I hadn’t been playing WoW very long I met someone who very quickly managed to distort me in such a way that I had no time for myself, no confidence in myself and no “me” anymore. He warped me and twisted me by shouting at me in the street, destroying me verbally and abusing me physically by forcing himself on me.
He stopped me raiding, told me I wasn’t allowed to play and demanded I cease playing completely. However I kept at it – in secret no less – as it was my one outlet where I could be myself and be outgoing and chatty and dare I say it happy.
Eventually, with the help of Zal and a couple of others I managed to build myself up enough to leave him, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I’m in a place at the moment where I’m not sure how much WoW time I have left as the game is losing it’s appeal for me, but without it, and without the genuine friends I’ve met, to be quite honest I probably wouldn’t either a) be here today or b) have the partner I have.
WoW did save me, and the best friend I have now – my little paladin buddy – saved my life.

I remember reading some of your early blog posts while you were working your way out of that relationship, before you separated your personal blog and your wow blog. I am so very happy that you are in a much better place now!

Thank you for sharing this! Reading the post and the comments have me all sniffly… I’m very happy that you realized you were in a bad situation and got out (and even more thrilled that you found a better alternative) – but please don’t blame yourself too much for having changed! The nature of (verbal) abuse is that it often starts out innocuously enough until the recipients of said abuse are accustomed to it.

Like you, Syl, and some other commenters mention, whenever WoW (or other time-sink behaviors) start to get out of control or interfere with a relationship, it’s not because the activities themselves are so bad, but rather that unrelated problems are making the time-sink seem like a hugely wonderful way to spend time.

I can’t agree more – a lot of times things like games will get blamed for a relationship falling apart, when really there was so much more that needed to be looked at. It’s really very difficult when things first start going badly – and hindsight in situations like these is always 20/20🙂

Great read. great story and a very nice ending. I’m glad things turned out the way they did for you. My significant other went through similar things before we got together but we actually met on a MUD back in the day prior to wow. Of course, back in the day is what? 6? years ago now or +. Either way, we both can related and both truly enjoyed the story. Thank you for sharing!

I am glad you enjoyed it! I know quite a few folks whose relationships started in MUDs and built from there. And you know, there must be something to that because almost all of them are still together now!🙂

This is such a wonderful post, and I can only thank you for sharing it with us.

WoW is many things, but it’s never the reason for a marriage breaking up – and anyone who says so is only looking for an excuse because they don’t want to look at their own flaws and problems. (It’s much easier blaming someone/something else.)

I’m so glad to read that WoW helped you find yourself again. I know what it’s like to be lost within a relationship (though fortunately I never married the guy), and I’m glad you found the strength to leave.

For me WoW helped me through a difficult time in my life as well, and to some extent is still helping me. Anyone who says that online friends aren’t “real” friends has obviously never spent enough time online talking to people. I feel like I know some people I met online as well as I know those around me. In fact, one of my best friends I met online – and she lived all across the world (me in Europe and her in the US), but we met up several times and remain good friends today (she now lives in Europe too, but different country!)

Again, thank you for sharing your story. It was a lovely read and I had to try hard not to shed tears (since I’m at work).

I’m glad to hear that WoW also helped you get through a difficult time – I don’t think people realize how truly amazing the friendships you can make with an online community can be, which is unfortunate.

The fact that you’ve meet one of your closest friends online is just fantastic!

WoW is, like everything, what you make of it, whether it’s a positive or negative force is up to the individual. I tend to think that you would have gotten out of there with or without Wow – if you hadn’t picked up that box, you’d have found something else that provided the social connections & activities you needed to rediscover your strength. It was your own capacity to forge meaningful relationships with the people you meet that saved you.

Equally, Wow doesn’t ruin relationships, the people in them do that. Those people would have ruined their relationships over something else if they hadn’t found Wow.

Those hardships we go through in life – bad relationships, bad times, they really make you analyse yourself & why you ended up there. I look at the horrible times in my life & noxious as they were at the time, I wouldn’t change them, because the the things I learnt from them give me a depth of understanding of myself & other people that I wouldn’t have otherwise. And of course, as previously noted in the comments here, their stark contrast with the good times makes the good stuff so much sweeter.

For myself I have sadly had to give up progression raiding for the health of my relationship. The times my guild raids made it difficult for me to do some of the things I need to do – pick my husband up from work, cook a good dinner, spend time with him in the evening (and he’s a good husband so I like to do those things). He doesn’t play Wow, and me spending all my evenings raiding was taking away from our relationship, so with the Cata gear reset I have pulled out of our raid team. Otherwise I might have been one of those people who’s relationship was harmed by Wow (not really over wow though – it would be over neglecting the health of my relationship & homelife to pursue a hobby, which just happens to be wow.)

I could move to a new guild & raid at a different time, but you’re spot on when you say those friendships in Wow are as meaningful as any other social connections – they really are & I don’t want to leave my guildies. Luckily I can attend our alt 10 man runs (<3 mah guildies, they are leet on their alts too), it's not as seriously progression oriented, realm 1st seeking as the mains raids, but it's just as much fun, and it's on the weekends, so managing the time is no problem.😀

I always liked your blog for the great information you provide & style in which it's written, the personal posts like this make me identify with you as person too, which makes me like it even more. Thanks for sharing this, and huge hugs & kudos for pulling yourself out of that relationship.

I absolutely agree that it is the trials and tribulations that you go through in your life that shape the person you ultimately become. I often play the “what if” game with the crossroads I’ve traveled – but I always come back to the fact that if I chose different paths, I wouldn’t be where I am – or who I am – today.

I am very glad to hear that you were able to work a schedule (even if it’s not full time raiding) so that you could continue to both do something you enjoy (WoW) and feel that you were providing your family with the time you wanted to give them🙂

Thank you so much for sharing, Beru. Your courage in sharing something so personal will not doubt empower someone else. Even as I read I made a mental list of people, gamers and nongamers, who will get a link from me to ur blog. I’m happy to hear things are going well and wish you and Brade all happiness.

Thank you for writing this. I’ve been seeing so many negative posts and comments about WoW recently that it’s kind of been getting me down. It’ so refreshing to read something positive and inspiring. I’m so happy that you found WoW and it helped to get you out of a bad relationship.

WoW has been great for my personal relationships too. I’ve always been shy, never made friends easily. Heck, I went through 4 years of university without making a single friend. After playing WoW for a while a met a great bunch of local players who I now enjoy as both guildmates and friends. WoW has done nothing but improve my social life.

Thanks for sharing this. You are right in saying that you are not the only one. Hubby and I are now five year players of WoW and its what we do together. We’ve seen ups and downs in the game and our marriage too and I’m happy to say that the escape, the friends and the healing has all been shared in the game.
I wish you well in you future and know that you will find happiness. Say thanks to your old life because without it you would never have met Mr. Perfect😛 Then say good riddance and do a little jig.

I can only piggyback on what everyone else has said and thank you for sharing such a very personal story with us, Beru. It is so true that oftentimes the good stories fall by the wayside in favor of the rant topic of the moment, lost in so much hype and trolling.

It was almost 3 years ago that I traded the left coast for the right one, all for a shy tank I met in my first WoW guild (who’s now the spriest who sometimes crops up in my blog posts and pictures.) There were a million reasons why I shouldn’t have taken the chance, and only one reason why I did. So ultimately, I too owe thanks to WoW for making my world a much better place.

My best wishes to you and Braede, and many kudos to you both for taking a chance on being happy.

And I am very happy for you and Shy Tank! It was certainly a scary decision to make – moving across the country with no job and no friends in Seattle outside of Brade. And I would be lying if I didn’t fess up to having a few breakdowns/panic attacks in the process. But, as my mother constantly reminds me, everything will always work out.

The only thing I can honestly say I miss from Atlanta is Fogo de Chao, the Krispy Kreme a block from my house, and Zaxby’s. And you know – I’m probably better off for not having all those things at my fingertips anyhow!🙂

I just wanted to thank everyone who has responded. I am overwhelmed by the feedback, and greatful for all of the positive responses. I am flattered by everyone’s kindness – and want to thank everyone who has shared a little piece of themselves with me. It really does mean the world to me.

I was so nervous publishing this – and now all of you have made me so incredibly happy that I did. My gratitude overflows.

Thank you for sharing this. I’m a resto druid, I’m fresh from an abusive marriage, and having a blast finsing myself again. Like you, WoW and the people I met there are what gave me courage and am view of what I was missing in my life tied to a marriage that made me miserable. A great guild and great friends provided me with support, even sending my kids a great care package in the first month after I left. They defended me against his rants in Trade chat. I think most people on my server heard about the kind of person he thought I was, and to a person, they ALL defended me. They had gotten to know me, and knew he was spewing junk. They showed that online or not, a friend is a friend.

I’m so glad you’ve found happiness again! that you were able to find yourself again gives me hope. I thought the old me was gone forever. Such a relief to find the real me buried under there. Thanks to the great people that I met in this game, I was able to rediscover that!

Wow, what a journey. Even though I’m sure it felt like forever, I’m glad you got out relatively quickly.

I’m afraid I have to step up to defend the south here. This person wasn’t a good southern boy, and his family wasn’t a good southern family, they were all just crazy. The crux of being a ‘good southern’ person is respect… and it seems like they didn’t truly possess any but were rather just going through the motions.

Thank you for sharing your story! The last 12yrs of my life seem to be a bit similiar to yours. I was married for 7yrs to an awful man & his family, I lost myself but found Everquest along the way. It saved me the same way WoW saved you. I called it the “lightswitch,”..haha, I just woke up one day and said today is the day all of this ends. My life was never the same after that. Like you, I met a gentleman ingame , we’ve been married for 5yrs now and have a 4yr old son. It’s amazing how things work out the way they do. I wish you the best !

I am not actually a regular reader of your blog, I followed a link from Tam’s link love, and I am so glad I did!

I am actually at this moment taking the first steps toward a divorce, and some of the things you have written here struck me so fiercly – THAT is ME! I lost myself, trying to fit into what someone else wanted. I was strong and independent, and I became weak, lost, lonely…

Anyway, your story touched me deeply. It took me 10 years of marriage and 3 years of playing WoW to become empowered, to find myself again. My soon to be ex often says that WoW ruined our marriage, but I know it did not. It gave me the courage to be me, to remember my own goals, desires.

Well that might just be the best blog post I have ever read. Not kidding. I’ve been slacking with my blog reading lately, so I am so glad I came over and read it today.

I suppose a thank you for sharing is in order, as much as everybody has said that, more so because it’s a reminder that I am somewhere in that midway point. I need to get my life in order now, and my willpower and self confidence is at a very low point. I’ve started, but I need to do better for myself. I used to be a very bouncy, happy person and I’m not sure where she’s gone. I don’t think WoW is going to get me there, I did meet my other half through WoW but aside from that all it has done has stopped me from losing myself *completely*. Whatever the means, I thank you for sharing and giving me a kick up the arse.

That’s really wonderful! I’m really pleased you shared your story (and glad I stumbled upon it from Righteousorbs)

I first got the internet when I was about 14 and it was incredibly empowering for me. I had been bullied pretty much all my life and on the internet I could be myself without being judged. Now as an adult I care much less about what people think about me, and I simply don’t feel like I have to conform to what people think I should be, in that respect my RealLifeTM is much better. But WoW is still a continuation of what the internet first offered me, a place to really be me.

Actually, re-reading my reply I want to add that when I said “Now as an adult I care much less about what people think about me” that is partly -because- of the internet I think, not something independent that would’ve happened anyway (although it may have eventually). I know the internet can be a scary and judgemental place, but for me it was a place that actually helped me see the value of me as I was and helped translate that feeling of self-worth to real life.

Just another post to thank you for sharing. It was my linkmates, years ago, who encouraged me to do what I needed to do in a similar situation. I would have stayed miserable a lot longer without their support.

I’m not a WoW player – have only done a few text-based games in my life and only for brief period. WoW would probably not be my thing (tried it once for a few minutes and realized I would not be a fit) – just have to say, thanks for posting this and giving us your perspective. It was great reading and gives us nonplayers some great insight.

Thank you for sharing this very personal story. I know, from experience, what a marriage like that is like, and how it feels like you have gradually been sinking into fog and it’s only after the fact that you realise how much you’ve lost yourself. I came to WoW after my divorce, 3 years ago (after a 13 year relationship), but I am still in the militantly-single phase. I love your and Brade’s story, and it certainly isn’t the only coming-together-through-WoW case I’ve heard of. It is wonderful that you two found each other, and that you are happy with someone without losing your sense of self and your personal power to do so. I smiled at your mother’s comment of ‘it’s about time’ – mine didn’t say exactly that, but she did say she’d known something wasn’t right. Our mothers do love us, but they know that if they’d suggested leaving, we probably would have resisted for the sake of resisting. Maybe it’s the act of choosing to end a relationship that gives the clean break, otherwise maybe we would feel nostalgia?
Anyway, thank you again for sharing. And, ahem, *grats*🙂

Lovely Beru,
I read your post and it struck a nerve. I believe I was in a similar situation, and I recognise so much of what you wrote. The only differences are that in my case, it wasn’t just WoW that saved me but the entire geek community, and I wasn’t in an abusive relationship. I was in a whole horde of abusive friendships. It was exactly like you said, nothing I did or said was ever good enough. And then, as I hid further and further away from the world in my little internet bubble, I met new people. New friends who thought I was awesome just the way I was.
I never like it when people say “WoW killed my marriage” or “WoW ruined my life”. That’s like blaming a sneeze instead of the cold. It’s just a symptom of something bigger. If people choose to submerge in a different reality (no matter what they choose to do it with – books, games, parties) it is because they are unhappy with their real lives. I hear stories every single day about people who claim they wasted their life somehow, but it is their own responsibility.

You are responsible for your own situation, ultimately. You are the one that can fix it or change it. No one else can do it for you.

I am so happy you found a new life and new dreams, and your old self. I also feel a little displaced pride for what you achieved. The world is at your feet.

Beautiful story! There’s nothing quite like an experience like this, well-told, to help beat down the perception that WoW isn’t about real people – getting along with them, meeting them, working with them as much as any sports team or office, and possibly even making serious connections. Lovely. Thank you.

Very nicely worded. I’m glad you found happiness. I also have been in bad relationships, which caused me choose the path of being alone for awhile. I found myself during this time, giving me more confidence and more determination not to settle for anything but with someone who will encourage me and bring happiness into a relationship. If we have that bond of trust, then we conquer the battles together.

This post has been truly inspirational. While I may not be in a similar situation to yourself relationship wise, I’m currently somewhere in the middle of recovering my lost self. I’ve been considering openly talking about my trials, but I’ve held myself back from it. Your post has indirectly encouraged me to open up a bit more, and to heavily consider sharing my situation for both personal therapeutic reasons and to perhaps let others know that they are indeed not alone.

This story about your recovery of yourself through something such as WoW (or even just the recovery of yourself in general) has certainly brought a rather large smile to my face. I honestly cannot thank you enough for that.

I have to admit… That I was crying and smiling like a fool after I read this. I know I can’t really relate to that, as much as I would… but I can understand how it feels. I can say I’ve lost myself once too many times, and only now, with help from my real life friends and the ones I made on wow, most of them who became also real life friends, I’m also rediscovering myself. And also becoming a guild officer, raidleading, and now being the gm, it also helped me a LOT in developing the self-confidence to lead and help people, that I never thought I’d have in life.

I haven’t been through what you’ve just told us, Beru, but I’ve seen a relationship that was born in the game, but it didn’t work out… things weren’t as well after a couple years, in and out of the game, and I saw it crumble in front of my eyes. And I admit – I was in love with the woman who was in that relationship, whom I met in the game… I wish I could have done more for her, even being so far away (her being in the US and me being in Brazil), but I’m only too happy that she found someone else whom she’s in love with (even if she doesn’t openly admit it). Also, even if she now doesn’t play wow anymore, at least our friendship lasts and it does not seem it’ll ever waver.🙂

I only wish more people would realize the power that online games may have on everyone’s lives. It’s a way of meeting and spending time with people who have, at least, some of the same interests as you. I have a LOT of families playing the game on my guild – not only husband and wife, but also their kids and close family. And we’re all one big, happy family. WoW is a great place to learn skills, not the game ones, but personal skills, like talking to people, leading, strategic thinking, cooperation and companionship.

I bow to you, Beru, for your hardships in life, for finally finding yourself again, and for finding not only your place in life, but for finding someone who, from all I read you write about, is as wonderful as Brade is. I’m none too proud to be able to play on the same server as you.

Live long, and prosper! That the good things in life never come short for you, for you deserve all of them and more!🙂

I stumbled upon this post from the Righteous Orb page while farming mats for the Crusader enchant. I knew damn well where to find the orbs, but was hoping there might be one other place to farm for a change of scenery. Sadly, no. I digress.

I’m so glad Tam posted this link!! I recently went through the same sort of thing, a bit earlier on, however. I luckily dodged the whole marriage aspect, but I suppose, for me, it was no less painful a relationship. I ended up being the Lotion & Box of Tissues for a frat boy at my college. Not a good situation for anyone’s self esteem, especially when said situation lasts for three years of “I’m just not ready for a relationship” only to find they’re dating someone behind your back.

The second summer after the frat boy and I had met, I began playing WoW. My Dad played, as silly as that sounds, and I tried it out, I’ll confess, to prove to him that I’d hate it. I was wrong. SO wrong. I quickly fell into the world of Azaroth to escape Small-college-town, USA. I ended up in a guild led by a 12 year old after 24 levels of solitude. Truth be told, he wouldn’t let me be, so I caved and took the invite. >__< I was still in shell-mode, as you so eloquently phrased it. After a wow-friend took over that guild, built it up, and gave it back to the 12 year old, only to leave and form a new guild, I found myself in said new guild as an officer. He ended up with real life, girlfriend related stuff, and passed lead to me. I ended up returning the title with a taste for something that was my own. I forged Mana Need To PvE with a few of my raiding buddies dissatisfied with their own situations, my own confidence returning. That's where I met him. WoW introduced me to the only man I've ever known to like me without ever having seen me. He GENUINELY liked me for who I was. I didn't know such people still existed. I guess I subconsciously realized I liked him on my way to BlizzCon, when I found myself checking in on the guild. I called him instead of texting him. I don't think I realized it until much later, though I guess he caught on when I called and didn't have anything really to say.

I digress again…this comment has turned into a novel, it seems. I really wanted to say thank you for your post, that I feel the same way about my "wow-friends"…I just think of them as friends. It doesn't matter if you've met in "real-life" or not. Or if you met "the one" in Warcraft.

I am not really sure how I ended up here, went from one blog, clicked another by accident and after 20mins I was here reading a story about someone I don’t know.

Although I don’t know you, I am in awe of you ability to post such a personal post to the world, and I am very proud of you!
I am in a LD relationship, my partner and I have been together 7 years, and playing wow together for 5 of those, it kept us together while I was away at uni at the other side of the country, because we could just chill in game and talk and kill stuff together.

Then with him now being in the Royal Navy, he doesn’t play, yet as a gift from him he still pays my subscription so that I can keep myself amused while he is away as we have both been officers and long standing members of our guild for a few years. So wow kept us together, gave me a host of new friends, well, brothers as some of these guys are so close to me, they are the brothers I don’t have irl.

Anyway, best of luck with it all, I’ll now get to reading this blog and seeing more about you!

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If you intend to use anything on this website, please have the courtesy to attribute what you share, and offer links back to this site. If you are unsure if you can use the content found here, please do not hesitate to contact me directly. ~Beru