Checking Under the Hood

Maintenance is necessary for proper functioning both inside and out. Plus, how to get a proper finish

May 17, 2005

MAINTENANCE

Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the factory, every effort was made to assure they were in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly, regular maintenance is required.

To be done daily: It’s especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash around the head of the penis every day. Otherwise, yeast infections and other problems may develop. Circumcised men should scrub regularly as well.

To be done weekly (at least): Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production, prostate health, and overall good performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually.

To be checked monthly: After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and oval-shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg without the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don’t feel like the surrounding tissue. (The bump you’ll find behind each testicle is the epididymis.) If you detect anything unusual, see your doctor. Although relatively rare, testicular cancer has a 97 percent cure rate when discovered early.

Yearly inspection: Once your equipment reaches age 40, have your prostate checked annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man’s urine stream to a dribble.

Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if detected early.

A complete yearly inspection should include three things: (1) a digital rectal exam (sorry, mate, but we’re talking finger here, not computer); (2) a blood test for prostate specific antigens (psa), an early warning sign of trouble; and (3) an ultrasound to create a visible image of the tissue. l warranties, written or implied.

APPEARANCE

Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and vaginal fluids. To protect the finish, trim and exposed underbody, it’s important to wash often and thoroughly.

Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free of debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in a confined space. If desired, you may polish your privates immediately.

MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES

The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water.

MAJOR DENTS

If you get hit in the testicles, get into a layby as soon as possible, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth and take some deep breaths. If there’s swelling and the pain doesn’t subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a hospital. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.

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