Stories, rants and reflections by a clueless father of three

This is Part Three of a four-part series on Shawn Kuykendall’s epic Facebook page. In case you missed it, Part One featured #throwbacks and YouTube throw downs, and Part Two brought us numerous surgeries and selfies. We now pick up where we left off, with yet another treasure chest of Shawn-given amazingness. Let’s go!

2012:

What’s notable about 2012 is that Shawn kept the fire that is his Facebook page burning brighter than ever. Here are a few snapshots of brilliance:

“I just had a Baconato combo. I am about to throw up,” and

“Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door,” and

“Recent poll (conducted by me) found that girls don’t like guys with a dumpy butt. #screwed.”

Ahh, yes. He’s still got it!

2012 is the year Shawn proves he may be a thirteen-year-old girl trapped inside the body of a grown man. As evidence, I note that he takes his use of the word “jeally” – a tween-friendly substitute for “jealous” – to extreme levels. Further, he makes no mistake about his fondness for pumpkin spice lattes, The Bachelor, and Hansen’s hit song MMMBop. Throw in status updates like “Omg Biebs and Selena broke up!!! #devastated” and it’s a no brainer.

And then there’s “SIKE!” See, “Sike!” is a great way to note that the previous statement was totally false, and made with intent to deceive. Ex: “Ankle socks look great with sandals! SIKE!” Shawn used this expression back when he traded Pogs and knew all the lines to Free Willy; but then, like the rest of his generation, he stopped using it shortly after the sixth grade…

SIKE! Shawn will turn 30 this year, and he’s still going strong.

See? He works out…

Our last new word is “cised,” which appears to be some kind of synonym for “excited.” Ex: “100% chance I wake up at 3am to preorder the iPhone 4s. I’m cised!” As with most Shawn-isms, “cised” can stand alone as an entire sentence and be spelled with seemingly unnecessary letters, like this: “Banana Republic is introducing a new line of European-cut suits! Ciiiiiised!”

So to recap: “jeally” means jealous (if you’re still in middle school), “Sike!” means just kidding (if you’re still living in the 90s), “cised” means excited (at least I think), and “ciiiiiiised” means super-duper excited (with a cherry on top). Got it?

Now let’s get “cised” about the highlights from this rather fantastic year:

February: Shawn turns 30. To mark the occasion, hundreds of people post on Shawn’s wall, and each of them has a different nickname. Here’s a few: Shawny, Donald, Uncle Donnie, Prawny, Brodo Baggins, Sine, Dino, America, and Americaaaaaa. And the notion that people actually call him “America” makes me so ridiculously jeally.

March: Shawn takes everything I know to be true about fashion and throws it out the window. Indeed, first he announces that cargo shorts “couldn’t be more” out of style. Then he claims he’s “over” plaid in all forms (including Target brand pajama pants), leaving me with practically nothing left to wear. What’s next? Is he gonna tell me I shouldn’t be wearing workout sneakers to social functions?!?!

April 21: Shawn posts a picture and asks everyone to “name what’s wrong with it.” Guesses include (a) that it’s a close-up of “some dude’s crotch,” (b) the fact that the man “doesn’t have arms,” and (c) the notion that “he’s physically disabled and you just don’t like that about him.”

All of these answers had promise, but as it turns out Shawn took issue with this man going to a social function in… you guessed it… his workout sneakers. I should have seen this coming.

May: Shawn asks Facebook if anyone “wants to cuddle?” He gets one response from a female, but unfortunately it’s just a recommendation to “get a dog.” Just as it started to look like all hope was lost, friend Jason McGraw saves the day with this rather adorable response:

May also marks the month Shawn drops this bomb of amazingness:

Yep. What you just watched was a video of Shawn wearing questionably snug white pants to compliment some well-choreographed dance moves (with sister Sami), all to the tune of some song called “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing,” and all in front of the sheets that Shawn slept on when he turned seven years old. By the way, did anyone else catch Shawn’s amazing intro slide about five seconds in? Yea, the only reason I don’t feel like dancing is because I feel like slow-clapping instead. It’s glorious!

June: After years of keeping it in the dark, Shawn finally admits: “I think I like blue.” Wow. Good of Shawn to finally get that off his chest…

August: Shawn posts one of his patented while-driving selfies. To think: this is one of those valuable skills that driving schools simply aren’t teaching their students. It’s an outrage!

The Inventor of Driver’s Seat Photography

September: Shawn’s friend Melanie posts a close up of Shawn’s torso, and if you look closely it appears to contain feint traces of definition. Now, I’m not sure if this is the result of (a) a successful Hot Body Campaign, or (b) Shawn wearing smaller shirts. Option (c) of course is man boobs. But I seriously doubt that’s the case…

October: American University’s finest soccer coach reminds us why he isn’t cut out for a desk job…

Election Day: Shawn contrasts political candidates with a man named Jesus Christ, and lets just say things don’t go so well for the politicians. Say, this is legit wisdom! Kuykendall for Congress!

December: Shawn’s friend Kimberly takes him to the White House Christmas Party, where he apparently meets President Obama and then just kind of strolls around the Executive Mansion for a few hours with seemingly unfettered access. Here he is stealing fruit belonging to the most powerful man in the world…

Who let this guy in?

Days later, Shawn finishes the year off right by demonstrating how just one misplaced letter can account for the difference between having a sick mind, and being legitimately homesick:

2013 (January through June):

2013 marks the year Shawn assigned a fun little name to each day of the week. From what I gather, they are as follows: Cabernet Sauvignon Sunday, Tickle Me Tuesday, Way Back Wednesday, Throwback Thursday, Man Up Friday, and Selfie Saturday. And apparently Monday no longer exists.

February: Shawn earns something called an “A” Coaching License. This is a really big deal to Shawn’s mom, who’s going nuts about it. But that’s not saying much because as his former homeschool teacher it’s likely she goes nuts every time Shawn earns an “A.” Heyoooo!

March: Shawn posts the following picture of a cute little puppy taking a “legit” selfie while lying down for an afternoon nap:

Concedes Shawn: “I have to respect it.”

March 28: Shawn is publicly admonished for that night’s dreadful goaltending performance. The ensuing conversation sends Shawn spiraling through the four stages of grief:

1. Denial: “Sometimes you save it. Sometimes you don’t. What can I say!”

2. Anger: “I didn’t have gloves! Blame Billy Knudsen!”

3. Depression: “KuykenBotch in goal today. Disaster.”

4. Acceptance: “All I can say is sorry…”

April: This happened…

Yep, leave it to Shawn to post a scandalous mid-bath selfie while eating an ice cream cone. Even better are the comments, which range from “porno!” to “weeeeiiiird” to “I just threw up” to “I approve of this.” And for the record I too approve of this…

June 17: Speaking of weeeiiiird, Shawn posts a picture with his parents and notes that they “made” him – both “figuratively” and “literally.” And I don’t know about you, but Shawn’s unsolicited crash course on human reproduction really makes my day – figuratively, and literally.

Well folks, that’s the end of this leg of our journey through Shawn’s amazing Facebook page. As a parting gift, I leave you with this picture of Shawn getting SILLAAAYY on the dance floor while other men judge him in the background. So nice of the DJ to finally play MMMBop just for Shawn…

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what can i say but a big BIG THANK YOU for making this. i grasp every word you wrote….thought how lively shawn can be and so unfair of life to take him at an early age….

i say THANK YOU again coz even though i live half of the globe from all of you, each day i wake up checking on the status of shawn. and can you imagine me now here at the office, in the midst of may work, i take time out to check on updates….

Thank you for your comment! I must note that life has not taken Shawn at an early age because he’s still with us – he’s still fighting. God bless him. Thanks again for your encouraging words! All the best from Northern Virginia