Saturday, July 12, 2003

On Wednesday, there was an ax-wielding competition a la Egil's Saga between Afanasy and Scanderbeg

Afanasy was en route Moscow to renew honey/wax contracts with his salesmen/distributors in the city. Hasan Beg. Hasa Beg warned of shaky relations between Shirvanshah and brand-new Ivan III. If Afanasy can't pull some strings he should work through Pasha and Subasi of Trebizond.

Afanasy and Foma decided to make the trek right into the Kremlin (about to be rebuilt by Italian architects) to contact cousin Maria, Ivan's bride to renew contacts.

Snappy and Foma navigate thru a snowdrift. There is nothing around except snow and snow and biryozi and Foma, dragging a sort of rickshaw. We can see his breath. Foma is having a conversation with a Bee, to the effect that Snappy (and, by extension, Foma, who seems to think he is Snappy’s son or something) will soon be extremely wealthy due to the freight that they are bringing to Novgorod. Foma playfully alludes to the description of the precious goods, which seem to be felt (cloth) in various brilliant colors. The Bee goes off to inform the other bees.

CUT to interior of the rickshaw, where Snappy is dozing with his Satchel as a pillow. There is snow piling up on his hat, and a crude fireplace at his feet seems to have ignited his boots (feet wrapped in cloth) as he sleeps.

CUT to Snappy’s dream: A steamy swamp with giant ferns and dragonflies. The rickshaw is moving through 2 feet of water; there are threatening sea-creatures peering at the rickshaw from the water. There is a face peering in at Snappy from the window, a staggeringly lovely woman. A giant stinging beetle eclipses his vision, biting his nose. Snappy dives from the rickshaw, crashing into the swamp. He looks around and sees only insects, heavy flora, steaming fetid water. There are bubbles rising from the water to his right (farther from the abandoned rickshaw) and he throws himself at the bubbles, a sign that the lovely apparition is still nearby, perhaps drowning?? He dives underwater (unable to swim) and encounters a sea monster. The sea monster tries to gouge out his eyes; he throttles it and awakens.

CUT to Foma thrashing Snappy with switches; he needs money for a toll. Snappy awakens and offers Foma some change from his Satchel, along with shrunken heads, arrowheads, pelts, paintbrushes, etc. Snappy is astonished by the frozen placidity of the Russian countryside.

CUT to Perkin as douanier, delivering lethal blow to actual representative of local official. Takes official poncho and scepter and assumes role of gatekeeper, whistling merrily.

Ali: Scanderbeg, count your money a moment while I explain to our guest... As I was saying, most of us in these parts are passing through. Scanderbeg, Albania's greatest general, is seeking allies and funds here, before returning to the mountains of his country, while I have called from my home town to Istanbul to serve as court astronomer to Sultan Mehmed II. Of course, we could move along more quickly if Muscovy weren't such an exciting place to tarry these days. As a matter of fact, it's...

Scanderbeg: KVAS TRUCK!!!! [bells tinkling in the distance]

[Ali Qushji, Scanderbeg, and the kvas guy hunker down on their haunches around a fire, puffing on pipes and quaffing kvas, and swapping stories as night falls.]

11. How hard is it to build this again? asks Alnus, sitting on Monak. I can’t imagine, says Afanasy, It’s from China. Anna says There’s no way this moth-eaten wreck was from China. Haji-Girei is scratching his head: where did Foma end up?

12. I think Foma is hiding underneath the broken pieces of the wagon, he’s scared. Says Afanasy. Foma is sitting in a freezing cold puddle, eating your honey and being stung by your bees. Says Anna.

13. Foma is unrecognizable beneath all of the bee stings and mud. He is lying on his side, moaning.
There is an enormous bear sniffing curiously in the distance. This is the best day of my life. He says.

14. Afanasy is hammering a sign into the ground, made of pieces of the wagon. YOU’RE FIRED YOU IDIOT. Haji-Girei and Anna are heaving the remains into Alnus’ kvas truck. Alnus is looking around in the snow, a few paces from the scene.

15. Don’t waste your time, I’ll just hire somebody else at the next pub. I never liked him anyhow. Says Afanasy. I’m not looking for anybody, I’m hungry and there’s mushrooms near. Says Alnus. Plus I might find wood to repair your wagon.

19. Rear view of Foma, bees still swarming around. Afanasy and Haji-Girei are wide-eyed with fear and amazement, staring at him/the reader. A m-m-monster! BLAAAGH he says.

20. They charge into the puddle and attack the swollen Foma from both sides. Foma is perfectly round and his tongue is the size of a horseshoe crab. His arms flop uselessly as he is pummeled in his puddle. The bear steals off with the beehive in the background.

26. Alnus is standing, pulling up his robe and looking down at his feet, which are chicken feet. I was kicking that piece of wood, when lightning hit me. It’s itchy. Now I smell like a chicken. Haji-Girei is dragging Foma by his ankle. Afanasy is not. Wow, you found wood!

28. Lets get Alnus into his truck and see if he finishes turning into a chicken. I need kvas says Alnus. Yes, says Afanasy, lifting Alnus onto his shoulders. Foma says BLAAAGH.

29. Anna is loading the beehive onto the truck, Monak is barking at a bear fleeing into the distance. Afanasy asks her how she got the beehive back. I will tell you later. She says. Why is that piece of wood following you?

32. Afanasy picks up Foma and begins to swing him around. Get Monak hooked up, there! He cries.

33. Terrible idea, Afanasy! Says Anna, as he clonks the idol over using Foma as a croquet mallet. THUNK!

34. Lightning crashes! Every body glows!

35. Ha! Now look who has a chicken face! Laughs Afanasy. You idiot, the dog ran off. Now we have to pull the truck ourselves! Says Haji-Girei, Kvas! Says Alnus from inside the truck. Foma has a chicken face.

36. Get OUT of the truck! Lookie! Says Afanasy, pointing. Now there are five domovoi, marching expressionless and kind of cute. Like little salt shakers or something.

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Afanasy, Anna, Foma, and Haji-Girei sliding down a snow-covered hill. Tumbling, throwing snow in great billowing clouds. Screaming, pursued by domovoi. They are sliding thru the snow, silently unrelentingly closing in. Anna clocks one with a stone, it rolls past them on its side.

Afanasy picks up Foma and hurls him, spinning like a bolo, at the pins. They scatter. Alnus' wagon comes crashing down the hill, rolling faster than either the heroes or the domovois.

Afanasy Nikitin

Afanasy Nikitin was the first Russian to explore India, which he wound up doing in about 1466.

In history books you will find very little about his dealings with the Shuisky sisters, or Alnus Rugosa, or Das Brick, because I made them up.

Ali Qushji and Perkin Warbeck and Jami the Persian Poet were real people, who sadly never really had anything to do with Russia or Afanasy Nikitin. The Kreml, while a real place, was probably not as fun as it appears herein.

So abandon all pretence of learning about historical Russia, ye who enter here.