Case Number 09802

THE BENCHWARMERS

The Charge

Get off the bench and get into the game.

Opening Statement

Me likes the juvenile humor. Nothing makes me laugh or get stupid faster than
a good fart joke. The quality farting in White Chicks and Harold and
Kumar Go to the White Castle are standout moments of great flatulence in
cinematic history. In The Benchwarmers, I came across my first fart joke
that grossed me out. It was such a rich and juicy fart, layered just an inch
above a kid's face that I got a bit squeamish. But the fart scene doesn't last
long and when the kid gets his flatulent retribution, it's priceless.

Do you like juvenile humor? Farting? Nose picking? Puking? Violence upon
teenagers? If so, then this movie is for you. If not, go no further.

Gosh!

Facts of the Case

"If you build it, nerds will come."

One day, three nerdy kids are playing catch on a ball field. They're having
fun in their own inept way when in comes a team of mean little-leaguers. It's
their field and they want to practice. "But there's enough room for both of
us," says one nerd. The big bully decides to make a lesson of the other and
pushes him around. Across the street, Gus (Rob Schneider, The Hot Chick)
is taking a break from mowing the lawn, talking to his friend and paperboy Clark
(Jon Heder, Napoleon Dynamite), when he sees the bullies picking on the
nerds. He run over and breaks up the ruckus, asking the bully to be nice. But a
bully is a bully and won't back down, so Gus challenges the little leaguers to a
game. Whoever wins gets the field. The team agrees, and Gus and Clark round up
their other friend, video store clerk Richie (David Spade, Black Sheep),
play the kids, and win.

Nerds all around rejoice at the defeat of the bullies. One of the nerds who
was saved by Gus tells his dad, Mel (Jon Lovitz, A League of Their Own),
about the game. Mel, a nerd who has gone on to become a billionaire, decides to
take the three guys and sponsor a tournament of little leaguers versus three
older guys. The prize: a new stadium for the winning team. More importantly,
however, it's an opportunity for nerds to see they don't have to be the
underdog.

The Evidence

"Let's kick some hairless ass." "I had hair on my ass
before I could walk."

Somewhere in the movie there's buried a morality lesson and a chewy, soft
center of happiness. We really don't care about life's lessons learned and
becoming a better person. No, we're far more interested in the puerile antics
and infantile behavior of the three older guys. I enjoyed The
Benchwarmers more than I anticipated. I recall seeing the trailer a few
months back and thinking it looked pretty dumb -- but not in a good way -- and I
passed on seeing it. (That in itself doesn't mean much since I go to the theater
quite infrequently these days.) Surprisingly, my parents, who do go to every new
movie, mentioned how funny they found it. I didn't believe them, but both of
them wanted to tell me about some of the funny things in there, but I told them
not to. Now, seeing it myself, it's certainly not a great movie, but I laughed
quite a bit. On top of that, there's a lot to like in the movie from the
characters to the situations to the many memorable quotes.

As I watched the movie, it became apparent that many of the actors were
doing nothing more than playing their strengths: Jon Heder was a variation of
Napoleon Dynamite, David Spade was just a friendlier version of his sarcastic
self, and Jon Lovitz was his usual self-confident, full of bluster bravado,
nerd. (Even Heder admitted to that fact during the commentary track.) This isn't
a bad thing because it works in the movie. What isn't expected is Rob
Schneider's character, Gus, who isn't his typical guy. Here, Gus is the hero.
He's the stud, the great guy, the player who inspires, leads, and motivates.
That's not the Rob we know, best known for his primo loser appeal. And what's he
doing with Molly Sims (Las Vegas) as his wife?

I enjoyed Heder as the nose-picking dweeb, Spade as the sarcastic
scaredy-cat, and Rob as the BMOC. But even though these guys are the stars and
they do a great job in their roles, it turns out that they get overshadowed by
two of the supporting characters: Mel and Howie (Nick Swardson, Grandma's
Boy), Richie's brother. Once you meet Mel, if you have any geek in you, you
will love this guy. He's the geek that you want to grow up to be, owning your
own K.I.T.T. car, a Batmobile, and having a fabulous home decorated with every
awesome piece of Star Wars memorabilia you can think of. Topping everyone
in the goofiness factor is Howie, the agoraphobic. He's afraid of the big, bad
sun, and he lives in a closet. Of course he's coaxed out many times, and every
time he's on screen he steals the show. He's the ultimate loveable loser
freak.

The DVD from Sony is a solid release. Featuring a 1.85:1 anamorphic video
transfer, I found no significant problems -- unless you really want to squint
hard. The picture is clean and vibrant, with accurate, realistic colors, nice
blacks, and fine sharpness and detail. Weeding through the myriad audio options,
you find yourself with a Dolby Digital 5.1 mix that, like its video counterpart,
is a sound transfer. This dialogue-intensive film doesn't demand much from the
audio, but you get crisp and clean dialogue from the center and some minimal use
of the surrounds and subwoofer. Overall, it looks and sounds good, and you'll
have no distractions from the silly humor. (Oh, and what's up with seven
subtitle options?)

Surprised by the movie and now surprised by the disc, there's more than I
expected in the bonus department. There are two audio commentaries for you to
listen. First up is director Dennis Dugan, "Happy Madison's go-to guy"
(Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy). I didn't enjoy this commentary track
too much. Dennis was very laid back, dry, not especially enthusiastic, and left
too much dead air. Next up is a commentary by Spade and Heder. These two
animatedly talk throughout the movie, sharing all kinds of odd stories about
The Benchwarmers. At times apparently antagonistic but mostly friendly,
this commentary was satisfactory but was just missing something. It could have
been a bit better. Moving on, there are a group of four featurettes (with a
"play all" feature) that are all quite superficial and not especially
informative: "Nerd vs. Bullies" (5:45 minutes) asks the actors which
they were growing up; "Mr. October" (8:10 minutes) gives lots of
praise to Reggie Jackson for his role in the movie; "Play Ball
America" (6:03 minutes) goes on about America's love of baseball; and,
lastly, "Who's on Deck?" (2:37 minutes) is a montage of Howie's scenes
from the movie. Next we have four brief deleted scenes (with a play all feature)
lasting only three minutes. And, closing it out, are a bevy of trailers for
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Open Season,
Monster House, RV, The Pink Panther (2006), Fun with
Dick and Jane, Big Daddy, Joe Dirt, Ultraviolet, The
James Bond Ultimate Collection, and The Princess Bride.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Farting in a kid's face? Nose picking? Hitting a baseball into a kid's chest?
Explosive vomit? Diarrhea? Yeah, it sounds like a movie from the folks at Happy
Madison. Watch it if you want to feel stupider.

Closing Statement

The world needs ditch diggers too, and we all need a good, stupid movie from
time to time. If you want to watch a movie filled with funny, juvenile humor
that will make you smile and make an hour and a half go by quickly, then The
Benchwarmers is for you. It isn't original (think The Bad News Bears
mating with Napoleon Dynamite) but the pieces come together such that it
doesn't feel old or stale. The DVD has nice transfers, an interesting though not
especially strong set of bonus items, and it is certainly worth an evening's
rental. I think I'll give this one another viewing tonight.

The Verdict

The court hereby finds The Benchwarmers guilty of behaving like a ten
year old. Now go to your closet and be quiet.