I’ve got good news to report! No shit! For the first time in what feels like months, there’s no Apatow news in today’s round-up (well, there is one tenuously related item, but whatever), I have no remake news, and some of the sequel news is actually positive. And, at least one of the trailers today kicks major fucking ass.

What the hell is going on?

Maybe it’s just the afterglow of Iron Man, and maybe I’m just seeing things in a different way: The glass is half full of shit today, folks! Drink up!

And speaking of Iron Man, we do lead with news of the all-but-inevitable sequel: Marvel Studios has officially put it on the schedule for April 30, 2010, so there is less than two years until Iron Man 2. Let the countdown begin. No script details were released, but for those who saw Iron Man, there’s some strong indications as to where it’s going. Also, while Marvel was making announcements, it also revealed that Thor is scheduled for June 2010 (Kevin McKidd from “Journeyman” and “Rome” is currently rumored to get that part). In addition, in 2011, Marvel Studios will debut Captain America on May 6, which will be directed by Nick Cassavetes, he of the The Notebook fame, and written by Zak Penn, who is also writing The Avengers, due in July 2011. That’s a lot of comic book movie coming your way in the next three years. And for those with limited comic book knowledge, like myself, it may comfort you to know that this The Avengers apparently has nothing to do with The Avengers movie based on a British television series and starring Uma Thurman and Sean Connery. Right? Also, I have no idea which of the Marvel characters will appear in The Avengers film, since four of the principal Avengers (Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, and The Hulk) all have solo features during that same time. Perhaps someone at Marvel is planning to weave all of these movies together. Maybe the comic book geeks can weigh in here — help a comic-phobe out, brother?

In other sequel news (there’s a lot of it today), the latest on Christian Bale’s reboot of Terminator — I think this one is called Death of the Franchise — is that filmmakers are aiming hard to get a PG-13 rating for a film that’s part of one of the biggest (if not the biggest) R-rated franchises of all time. I’m guessing this means that there won’t be a lot of Bale on _____ action, nor the amount of bloody mayhem that characterized the first three films. But, if Iron Man and Cloverfield can pack the requisite amount of whoop-ass into a PG-13, I don’t suppose McG … I can’t even finish that sentence, for every time I remember that McG is directing a Christian Bale film, I die a little inside. However, the latest rumors do have Josh Brolin playing the Terminator, so how bad can McG really screw it up?

Sorry I asked.

Next on the sequel merry-go-round comes plot details for the follow-up to the best horror movie of this decade, The Descent, and sadly, The Descent 2 sounds like it’s gonna be a cinematic spewfest. Spoilers ahead: According to the good folks over at Cinematical, the sequel will concern Sarah (Shauna McDonald), the “sole survivor” (at least of the U.S. version of the film), who will be forced back into the system of caves to rescue her friends, who — as you may recall — all seemingly died in the original. Apparently, even Juno survived, as Natalie Mendoza is scheduled to return for the sequel. How the script will explain away the overseas ending is a goddamn mystery to me, and how it will explain away the obvious deaths of her friends is an even bigger mystery. More and more (especially since Neil Marshall will not return to direct), the sequel sounds like a big money grab, which is incredibly disappointing, not only for the sequel, but for the way it will inevitably tarnish the original. So, all the sequel news isn’t good today, after all. My advice: If you haven’t seen the original Descent yet, do so now while the getting is still good.

Oh, and har har to those of you who think I give a shit that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo are getting married. Doesn’t bother me at all. No sir. Nope. No way. What do I care? No big deal.

Hold me. Ryan.

And, in today’s last big sequel news, Jonah Hill is purportedly in talks to join the cast of the sequel to Transformers , as Shia LaBooooof’s college roommate. And while many of you have already soured on Shia, I think the kid is pretty goddamn great, and for preposterous escapism like Transformers, you can hardly do worse than to add Hill for a little comedic relief. Those two together are goddamn gold — too bad they’re stuck in a Michael Bay film together.

In non-sequel news, John Francis Daley, who — along with Samm Levine — has become the forgotten “Freaks and Geeks” character, has been hired to rewrite the script for Hours of Fun, “the story of two childhood friends who ordered a slew of novelty toys (such as X-ray glasses, Sea-Monkeys and transforming robots) from the back pages of their late-’70s comic books. Thirty years later, the toys begin living up to their wild advertising claims, forcing the pair to save their town from the ensuing chaos.” Earlier this year, we also reported that Daley had written the script for The $40,000 Man, a spoof about an “astronaut who is horribly injured in a car crash and is rebuilt by the government to be a bionic man with the paltry budget of $40,000, which doesn’t make him that bionic.” Once these two projects are finally released, it looks like poor Samm Levine will be last forgotten character from “F & G.” What the hell did he do to piss off Apatow? That guy is loyal to everyone. The good news, however, is that he does have a small role in the upcoming adaptation of I Love You, Beth Cooper, starring — unfortunately — Hayden Panettiere.

You folks heard of Twilight, the most talked about movie you’ve never heard of? It’s based on an incredibly popular series of books that also no one has ever heard of. It’s about a teenager who falls in love with a vampire, and because of obvious complications, they can’t consummate their relationship. So, their relationship is fraught with all sorts of sexual frustration. It stars Kristen Stewart (and, lower on the cast list, the brilliant Anna Kendrick), and it looks like a cross between Danielle Steele and Anne Rice.

In other words: Butt. Here’s a gander: Update: The previous trailer wasn’t the official — it was a fan created trailer. Here’s the official trailer, w/ a hat tip to Tanya:

Here’s one for Uwe Boll’s magnum ignoramus — it looks horrid, but at least the marketing pitch is honest. Dave Foley fans — crawl into the fetal position before watching:

Finally, here’s the newest trailer for The Dark Knight, which is heavy on both The Joker and on the Awesome. My suggestion: Stand a few feet away from your monitor, or the badassery will swallow you whole: