But even that country's inhabitants, who never have seen the NFL, quickly would have figured out how boring it was.

Japan sends us the Lexus and the Mitsubishi, and we're sending the Japanese the Broncos and the 49ers this week.

Talk about an unfair trade act.

The Japanese embassy may cancel the teams' visas after reviewing the game films. Sushi is more exciting.

In the heat of the night, the Denver Broncos and the San Francisco 49ers put on the dullest performance since "M Butterfly" toured Denver.

But it was a dry heat.

Last night at Mile High Stadium the score was Apollo 13, Denver 9, San Francisco 7.

The scores at nearby Coors Field are higher. There was more scoring last night at the Denver Chop House.

Skeet shooting in the U.S. Olympic Festival had more drama.

However, THE BRONCOS BEAT THE SUPER BOWL CHAMPS.

Which must mean: THE BRONCOS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!

Which is a leap of faith.

Don't paint your house orange yet. And don't go to DIA to greet the team's return. It'll take two hours and cost you $10 to park.

It should be remembered that at one point the 49ers were using a quarterback who once started for the USFL's Denver Gold.

Wasn't that in 1949?

And they brought in another quarterback who is an Elvis impersonator.

Those among the 71,182 who charged their tickets on a credit card should be able to petition for a refund.

They paid for football and got to watch backgammon.

We've waited seven months for the debut of Mike Shanahan and the New, Improved Broncos, and they had all the color, charm and charisma of white rice.

The two high-powered West Coast offenses combined for one - count it - one touchdown. Be still my heart.

"There were times when both the 49ers and Broncos played a little sloppy, but for the first game, you expect that," Shanahan said. It was sloppier than my bedroom in college. San Francisco coach George Seifert said his team "needed to play more intense, more precise and more decisive."

And more Steve Young.

When Young and John Elway were the opposing quarterbacks, the opening exhibition actually had a legitimacy. By the second quarter, though, when the two quarterbacks - and their supporting starters - had checked out, the foam was gone.

But this is what we learned:

Glyn Milburn still can't block and won't thrill you with his running. Rod Bernstine wasn't injured. But that was because he was in San Diego.

The Broncos' special teams still aren't special.

Lionel Washington, the free-agent cornerback, should be called Lionel "Chew-Chew." The 49ers chewed on Washington.

Rod Smith has no clue about returning punts.

The first time he signaled for a fair catch inside his 10 could be dismissed as a nervous mistake.

The second time he did it, Smith must share the blame with the coaches, who might have suggested he let the ball go into the end zone.

Shanahan made his first erroneous decision.

Late in the second quarter, after an exchange of penalties, the Broncos had the ball at the 49ers 6-yard line. It was second down, and 15 seconds remained in the half.

Although the Broncos had no timeouts left, there was sufficient time for two passing plays and a haircut, but Shanahan chose to go ahead with the field goal. E-Shanahan.

Ed McCaffrey, as reported here several days ago, can catch. He had eight receptions for 91 yards. Anthony Miller and Mike Pritchard also can play wide receiver, but I'm afraid Rod Smith will call for a fair catch on a swing pass.

The Broncos intercepted one pass, which (reportedly) tied the club record for the past two years.

Michael Dean Perry can play. The special teams of the Broncos were awful.

Did I mention that? The field looked sad, even though the Rockies have moved to a new locale. Someone must explain why the Colorado Foxes, who are drawing fewer than 5,000 a game, shouldn't be playing at South Stadium instead of destroying the grass at Mile High.

Elway's knee didn't implode, and he didn't retire at halftime.

Jason Elam can kick.

Aaron Craver will start at running back for the Broncos, and Derrick Clark may be a player yet.

Lockheed says object part of 'sensor technology' testing that ended ThursdayWhat the heck is that thing? It's fair to assume that question was on the minds of many people who traveled along Colo. 128 south of Boulder this week if they happened to catch a glimpse of what appeared to be a large, silver projectile perched alongside the highway and pointed north toward town.

PARIS (AP) — Bye, New York! Ciao, Milan! Bonjour, Paris! The world's largest traveling circus of fashion editors, models, buyers and journalists has descended on the French capital, clutching their metro maps and city guides, to cap the ready-to-wear fashion season. Full Story