The
Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked
Up World

Boring men...and the women who love them...

Am I a boring
guy? The kind chicks always overlook while they are throwing themselves
at the 'bad boys'? I ask because women act like I'm invisible while
they crowd around some hotshot jerk that's going to treat 'em badly
and then blow them off. I don't understand that. I feel like I know
how to treat a women well. But some of my friends say my problem is
that I might be too 'boring.' Is that such a terrible thing? I think
I am just a regular, down-to-earth person with a steady job and a
decent personality. And I don't want one of those neurotic women that
is always cooking up some 'relationship problem.' But I can't seem
to find anyone that I really click with. Is there hope for us 'boring
guys'?

The answer to
your first question is yes, you are a boring guy. We can tell by the
fact that this was one of the wishy-washiest rants a person could
possibly come up with. This is prettyfedup.com. You're not even pretty
fed up. You didn't use a single swear word! This is the fucked up
website. You don't think you're fucked up and you're not even willing
to commit to a bold opinion that neurotic women with relationship
problems are fucked up. For God's fucking sake man get a goddamn
opinion on something!

All
right. I'd tell you to brush the tears from your eyes as you confront
the brutal truth about how unacceptably boring you are. But you don't
have any tears in your eyes because you're too fucking boring to generate
them! So we'll skip that part and go a totally irrelevant pop quiz.

Irrelevant
Pop Quiz:

Question
#1: Are you the kind of easygoing person who never really gets mad
about things?

Question
#2: Do you think about things like 'financial security'?

Question
#3: Do you really like food, particularly food that you personally
are eating?

Question
#4: Are you going bald but too lazy to do anything desperate to
conceal it?

Question
#5: When people are upset, do you try to calm the situation down
by changing the subject, putting the problem in perspective, or
encouraging them in various ways not to be upset any more?

Question
#6: When people ask you how your day was, do you respond by telling
them what happened during it?

Question
#7: Does it make you uncomfortable when people try to talk about
'things' as opposed to events, recent purchases, or concrete plans
to mow the lawn next Saturday?

Question
#8: When someone asks you how a movie was do you tell them the whole
plot?

Question
#9: Do you have deep feelings for your dog?

Question
#10: Do you slightly disapprove of people who not as stable and
placid as you, who have problems, get excited, seem aggressive,
or pursue foolish plans?

Question
#11: Are you looking for someone who will really love you because
nobody ever has, not really, not enough?

Question
#12: Are you sincere, and possibly even kind-hearted?

Okay,
great. Now it's time to tally up your score on the Irrelevant Pop
Quiz. Your score:All your answers to the above questions
were wrong!

Excellent.
Now you are a Certified Boring Guy as opposed to being someone who
might be boring if anyone actually paid attention. The certification
process has greatly enhanced your prestige. You could actually
print out a certificate to place on your cubicle wall at work to show
off your recent accomplishment except that I haven't provided
one for you.

So
we'll skip to answering your last question which is whether or not
there's hope for you. The answer is yes, there are 2 kinds of hope
for you. Hope #1 is that you'll get less boring. This is unlikely
but possible.

Hope
#2 is that you will meet the kind of woman you need, match up with
her, and continue your boring existence into contented eternity. This
is probably more likely so we'll concentrate on that first.

What
kind of woman should a boring guy like you be looking for?

You
are looking for a woman who doesn't like these three things:

1)
Life

2)
Other People

3)
Herself

That
should do it. In other words, you are looking for a neurotic woman
who is always cooking up some sort of relationship drama, whether
the relationship is with her mother, with you, or with those annoying
Other People where she works. You are looking for massive, incurable,
subterranean Insecurity.

Of course this
is exactly the kind of woman you have been avoiding. You have
been avoiding these women because what you have actually been looking
for is someone who will cure your boringness problem. You have been
looking for someone who is bright, and eager, and well-adjusted, who
likes life, herself, and Other People. Someone who's kind. Someone
with a lot to give.

Women like
this don't like you. They don't have any interest in you. Why
would they want to share their love of life, or sex, or romance, or
ambition, or Other People with someone like you who is just going
to suck it into a voracious maw of boringness and turn it all into
a bunch of stuff that doesn't matter very much? The answer is, they
wouldn't. You think these people will pull you up into some sort
of sparkly, more impressive existence, but the reality is that
you will just drag them down. You will take their hopes and dreams
and turn them into a dry list of events, purchases, and meals. You
will take their ambitions and sympathies and turn them into trivialities
and practical considerations. You will take their attempts at conversation
and turn them into awkward silences. You will take their problems
and turn them into something they shouldn't have. You will take their
temporary obstacles and turn them into dead ends. You will take their
need for mirroring, support, and sympathy and turn them into lonely
isolation. Women like this don't even look at you because you are
not worth seeing.

On the other
hand, there are women out there who are perfect for you. What
you need is a woman who has all the emotion you lack but who doesn't
like it very much. You don't like emotion yourself, you avoid it,
and you try to make it go away one way or another. What you
need is a woman who has a lot of it that she wants to go away.
You are looking for a woman who is desperate to get rid of the emotions
she has, because she doesn't like them very much. Someone who doesn't
like herself very much and therefore is extremely and consistently
grateful for someone who will try to make her not be like herself.
You think emotion is a problem and you try to solve it. You need
someone who agrees with you but can't solve it. You don't need
someone kind. You need someone who hates everybody but will be kind
and loyal to you because you support her. You need someone who is
afraid of everybody else which makes you look like a deliriously,
gloriously safe haven. You want someone with no ambition, who will
feel safe and secure in your little world. You don't want someone
who is interested in life - that will just make her want to talk about
it all the time - you want someone who doesn't like it and who therefore
considers a detailed conversation about the dishwasher a gift from
heaven. Someone who wants to avoid the things they're scared
of by fussing over you!

This is the type
of person who will stick to you like glue providing years of loyalty,
comfort, companionship, and boring conversation. People who have
nothing but a deep, persistent underlying feeling of dislike and distaste
for everyone and everything have a tremendous need to love something
deeply. Just like everyone else. Everyone else, however, has more
opportunities to express it. People like your dream woman don't -
and are therefore going to bundle it all up and lavish it exclusively
on you!This is a much better deal than anything else you have
been looking at. People like this hide their deep ability to love
under a facade, but they are desperate to have one safe place where
they can rip off the facade and reveal themselves for the pitiful,
shivering, insecure, weak and overwhelmed person they are. Give them
this place and they will do anything for you.

How do you
spot someone like this?

Look for
someone who blows their extremely trivial problems all out of proportion,
who flaps their arms desperately as they unsuccessfully try to calm
themselves down, trying pathetically to hide their discomfort and
embarrassment.

You
want someone who can generate a lot of problems, so you can solve them,
and earn their gratitude. You want someone who appears weaker than yourself
because you are not all that strong yourself and you could certainly
use the ego boost. You want the problems to be small and meaningless
because a) you can't actually solve big problems; and b) it fits your
style in which you minimize all problems into boring non-problemness.

The
key here is small problems and small dreams.
This is exactly what you want. You want a cozy home, financial security,
not too much strain on your brain, and not to have to hassle with all
the pressure of big hopes and wants and ideas and feelings and so on.

So what you
want to avoid is the other kind of woman you have been attracted to
- the one with the big problems, the big dreams, and perhaps the
big compassion. The kind of neurotic women you referred to above rather
than the kind you should be going out with. You have been attracted
to these women in the hopes of rendering them a mighty service by
turning their actual big problems into non-problems by boring them
out of existence. You have been trying to do them a favor and help
them out of their unhappiness by killing their big dreams. This
won't work.

In the process,
you have actually just been driving them crazy, making them want
to kill you, and inadvertently forcing them to act even more neurotic
than they would otherwise choose to. What people with big problems
and big dreams want is an acknowledgement of the size, scale, and
importance of their concerns. You're not going to give them this.
They're going to hate you. They're going to try to get it from
you. You're not going to give it to them. They're going to try harder
until they are practically pulling out a knife and stabbing something
with it in an attempt to get a response out of you which you will
not give. Then you will label them neurotic. And most probably decide
that they weren't capable of love anyway. This isn't helpful for either
one of you. Forget about it.

Steer clear of the
restless, the passionate, and even the very kind or big-hearted. Stick
instead to the agitated, the mildly nervous, the mildly critical, the
mildly catty, the mildly judgmental, the mildly incompetent, the uptight,
the overconcerned, and the people who make a big deal out of the fact
that they ordered lavender napkins for the shower but the actual
napkins turned out to be violet instead. This is the kind
of problem that you can handle, that you can soothe, by pointing out
that it isn't one. Look for someone with the time and personality to
get upset about this kind of shit.

Don't look for compatible
interests, look for compatible emotional styles. The women you are seeking
may be nice, or socially accomplished, or good-looking, or well-liked,
or admirable in about 16,000 ways. But you need to pick up the hint
of neurotic uptight bitch beneath their social facade.

That bitchiness
inside themselves that they don't like and can't control is exactly
what is going to make them love you. You've been looking for the
kind and kind-hearted because you personally have some kind-heartedness
and more importantly you need a lot of it yourself. This has been attracting
you to the wrong people. The person who is going to be kindest to
you is the one who always feels guilty because she never quite feels
kind enough about anyone else. The ones who are kind to everyone
will be kind to you but it will be because they think you are pathetic.
That's not a good deal for you!

The big-hearted
woman who rescues dogs from the dog shelters and finds them homes and
nurses them and so on and who appears so confident and capable when
in her element and who has that great flaming red hair and those exotically
curvy legs beneath her jeans - yeah you're attracted to her because
you feel a bit like an abandoned dog yourself and you long for
someone just like her. But after about 3 months with you she's going
to wonder why you don't share her passion or depth of feeling for not
just dogs but anything. She's going to look for someone who cares, who
has passion. She's going to say sayonara and head off with an asshole
lawyer who argues with every single thing she says. Because when he
argues it makes it seem like he's arguing because what she says is important.
Whereas you don't treat anything she says or does or feels as important
- you just put on your big dog eyes and mope around thinking she'll
rescue you. She won't! Go back to the agitated closet bitch who's
trying to appear pleasant while criticizing everyone in a subtle way
- she's the one whose heart you'll gradually win until she becomes so
fucking dependent on you she won't be able to live without you. You'll
love that shit! Knock yourself out!

Okay, now that
I have solved all your romantic problems, go forth and conquer. Remember
that there are millions and millions and millions of boring guys just
like yourself hooked up with great women. Of course many of them are
busy being dumped, divorced, and abused by these same women but that's
the next FAQ and shouldn't deter you. Remember to think small!
Women with small problems, small dreams, small concerns, small
feelings, and small hopes. They're gonna love you! You'll do
fine.

Next, we address
the unasked FAQ of why women dump, divorce, abuse and ignore their
perfectly nice boring guys in favor of running headlong as fast
as they can into singleness and independence or alternatively, toward
someone much more fucked up. We'll also address how you can become less
boring if for some unknown reason you get a wild hair up your ass to
do so. Sometimes there is an extraordinarily unboring guy lurking inside
a boring one just waiting to pop out of his chest like something from
the Alien movies. This unboring side is often extremely interested in
learning how it can get the fuck out of the boring person it got stuck
inside of and it might be interested in clicking on the link below.
You never know....