So a HOT little trollop walks up to me at Fenway last night while I was outside in the smoking section/pen they've set up for us outcasts. It's out on the sidewalk, fenced-in and almost makes you not want to smoke even after 5 innings worth of Sam Summers...almost.

She's about 18-19 years old, blonde and friggin HAMMERED.

She slides in close and whispers/slurs, "can I pee out here?"

I look around at the 50-75 people, and the open area where I wouldn't even attempt to sneak a piss at my drunkest and sagely advise her...

"You bet. But you probably want to do it over by that fence where there's less people"

She staggers over. Down go the jean shorts (slowly, as to not fall over), down go the (tiny, black) g-string, down goes this little tart into a squat, and finally...down rains whatever fruity drinks she was obviously a little too happy that they served at Fenway.

I lean over to the guy in full US Navy uniform and ask him if he's ever seen something like this in the Navy, to which he replies, "no - never...you?" as he furiously snaps pictures from his phone.

We laugh and I say this is standard fare at most Phish shows I've been to, but a first at a ballgame for me - especially basically outside on the sidewalk with 50 shocked, gawking smokers.

She finishes up...expertly. Then slowly pulls up the g-string, giving everyone a wonderful view of her manicured lawn. She squeezes up the shorts, treating us once more to a spectacular ass shot as she wriggles them up.

I offer her a smoke (I needed another by then), and she let me know that ...shit, can't make this up: She doesn't smoke.

And then -poof- just like that she stumbled out of our lives, leaving us infinitely richer for the encounter.

So HERE'S to trashy drunk Mass chicks. God love 'em, their total disregard for societal norms, and inability to find their way to the actual ladies room.

Stay classy, Fenway...

No, you stay classy, anonymous Phish fan who took cell phone pics of a bottomless teenager.