I'm in a weird place. It's hard to see my husband being just-friended, I want to go to J and tell her what she's missing. Part of me is upset with her for sending all the wrong signals, acting like she was interested in him, and in the end not being interested at all. Another part doesn't want to be upset with someone who is so important to my husband.
Yet another part feels guilty that I have been so lucky in love when he hasn't. Had he started dating J, it would be balanced and fair. But now, I have a husband, a boyfriend, and they've BOTH been just-friended by the other person they were interested in. I feel like I shouldn't be that happy when they aren't. On the other hand, I also want to support them both. It makes me so mad that people don't seem to see them as the wonderful men they are.
And then, yet another part is getting a bit stressed out that they both have only me to depend on. I wish I could share that responsibility with another woman in their lives. I wish I had an "accomplice". I'm worried I'm not going to be able to help both of them and take care of myself at the same time.

I really wish things had been different. There isn't much I can do, of course. And it's getting a bit better, and it will get even better, I know that, but still, it's sad.

For God's sake don't feel guilty that two men who like eachother love you!!!! It is a blessing, a gift. Lucky girl. As far as Rag's J, it is best that before anything progressed between them that she realized poly isn't for her, and she would rather remain friends. The signals may just have been as you said- interest, but maybe she is self-aware and just can't get into the idea of poly for herself. Friend isn't a bad word. At least there is genuine caring going on.