Every Monday night we get together for the orgy of feigned interest that is The A-List: New York. Having already explored the show’s racial ineptitude (blacks = “the help”) and political tone-deafness (ie. Yes Ann Coulter, we all are affluent, white, closet Republicans), we move onto the 3rd episode wondering why grown men would humiliate themselves on camera under the pretense of parlaying this gay witch abortion into a career. Oh, that’s right: the money (buttvomits onto rainbow American flag).

But first a quick recap: You have missed nothing. Nothing at all.

OK, just kidding (but barely): Even though insatiable bottom Reichen just moved in with his subtitled piece of man-candy Rodiney, unrefined she-slut Austin still wants to pop it in Reichen’s pooper. But Derek the toxic tanorexic is all like “Nuh-uh, girl.” Meanwhile, TJ, Ryan and Mike pretend to have lives. FIN.

BTW, as a punishment for making it to all the way to episode 3, here’s a NSWF picture of Austin’s butt. Now you can join the countless whordes who have seen it. But be careful — stare too long and you might catch optical chlamydia.

9:03 PM CST – The episode starts with Austin taking his first limo ride to glamorous JFK airport. There he kisses his on again off again “boyfriend of two years” Jake. Wait… TWO YEARS?!!! Wasn’t he all up on Reichen’s hump just last week?

Yeah, “boyfriend”… uh-huh. He probably picked up his boyfriend in the airport bathroom moments after stepping out of the limo. Jake is from Britain and like Rodiney LOGO has decided to subtitle him, but unlike Rodiney, Jake actually needs subtitles. He and Ryan say “I love you” to each other during the car ride back, but what they probably meant was “I love you for traveling 8 hours over the Atlantic just to hump me.”

9:07 PM CST – At brunch (every episode must have at least eight brunch scenes), Derek admits that he said a bunch of stupid crap back when he was Austin’s age (25 years ago); sadly he hasn’t stopped. Ryan agrees to take Austin on as a pet project to teach him manners, kinda like Professor Higgins agreeing to make a lady of the local crackwhore. Ryan agree to do some “psychoanalyzation” on Austin and get back to them.

9:10 PM CST – Derek meets a straight female millionaire matchmaker (red flag one, Derek) and NEWS FLASH! Derek has not been in love for OVER A YEAR! That’s hard to believe seeing as Derek is so “young, hot, and successful” (his words, not ours). Derek’s not a gold digger, but he specifies that his lover must be professionally established, from the Hamptons and have Carrie Bradshaw’s 5th Ave. apartment… complete with shoe room.

9:13 PM CST – A commercial shows a kid in a blasted elementary school speaking in a creepy “I just saw my parents get shot” voice. “Maybe the world gets broken so we can fix it… People think we don’t have frontiers anymore. They don’t realize that frontiers are all around us.” Haunting sentiments… until we realize it’s a commercial for fucking Levis.

9:16 PM CST – Austin arrives at Ryan’s house wearing a designer sunglasses and black leggings, to, you know, indicate that he’s been “lifting.” Ryan begins teaching Austin how to speak and ingest arugula like a proper lady. You can tell by the glimmer in Austin’s hungry eyes that he’s only eaten gummy bears for the last 3 days. Dieting’s a bitch, but we wish we had your willpower, gurl! YOU BETTA WERQUE!!!

9:18 PM CST – Does everyone speak with a lisp on this goddamn show? The producers are like, “MORE LISP, BOIIIIS!” During their meeting Austin announces, “Yes, I am with someone I have been with for a while. We have a great relationship,” by which he means is “We never talk, we just fuck.”

9:20 PM CST – Cut to more romantic times on a boat (see episode 1). Austin and Jake visit Fire Island. Meanwhile, we maniacally search the screen for the queens we recognize. Austin and Jake go to buy bathing suits and initially Ryan chooses a horrid purple brief that’s so short that the censors have to blur out his pubes. Then they go to swim in a pool with a large blow up swan.

9:21 PM CST – They start drinking champagne in a hot tub which the Surgeon General totally advises against (especially for gays). It would be so GODDAMNED SAD if Austin got woozy and slipped under and DROWNED. Like mega totes sad. Like Princess Diana sad. Like really.

9:22 PM CST – T.J. makes his first appearance this episode, wearing the required purple v-neck. He visits Reichen’s shoebox with Austin to make fun of EVERY SINGLE THING REICHEN OWNS. How DARE gay people not live in a home from Architectural Digest! Reichen decorates like a straight man because he has a disgusting rug that sheds mangy fluffballs and home furnishings that remind TJ of The Blair Witch Project. Ryan accurately compares Reichen’s apartment to his relationship with Rodiney (like we did last week): “It doesn’t make any damn sense.”

9:28 PM CST – Yet again Austin puts on designer clothes to go “lift” before talking to Reichen. In the background they blur out a woman’s face on the street probably because she requested not to be in this dreck. She was like, “What show? OH, HELL NO. No I do not consent.”

9:30 PM CST – Mike Ruiz shows up for the first time in this episode for a total of five seconds when Rodiney goes in to apply for a modelling position. Rodiney says that he’s 5’11”, but he’s more like 5’9″… or even 4’7″. Are we sniffing glue or are they saying that Rodiney is not hot enough to be a model? Really? Even after he just gave half the gays watching this show a semi just standing around in his ultra tight low-cut briefs?

9:33 PM CST – At the “lift date”, Reichen thinks it’s weird that Austin has just now announced his relationship with London streetmeat even though it has supposedly been going on for the last year and a half. Wait… A YEAR AND A HALF? Earlier Austin said it was “two years”! Austin explains that the only reason he told all of their friends about Reichen’s cock is because trash-talking peoples’ junk is always “good fun.”

9:36 PM CST – Meanwhile, Derek shows up to meet his date from the millionaire matchmaker. Derek says, ” I hope I don’t get a dud, a pedophile, or a creep” — we hope he gets all three. It turns out that his date is just his doppelganger with more hair product. Derek’s like, “Perfect, because I am SO SICK of wiping off that mirror.”

But… SURPRISE. He already went out with his twin twink about a decade and a half ago (in his 30s). And even though the guy’s a handsome millionaire, Derek doesn’t want to settle… for a handsome millionaire.

9:39 PM CST – Finally Mike returns for a longer scene with Rodiney. Mike is wearing a shirt that reads “Love Muscle.” Between his hair changes and vanity glasses Mike’s basically in disguise in every shot. Rodiney admits how “hard” his relationship with Reichen is. If this was a porn, Mike and Rodiney would have fucked by the end of this scene.

9:40 PM CST – In the eighth scene of brunch Jake sits back and learns that — SHOCKER — Austin is a slut! Based on the accent we can’t tell if Austin’s boyfriend is Welsh, Scottish, or northern English… let’s place bets! Jake surprises everyone by announcing that he and Austin are engaged. But what’s that you say? Gays can’t get married in New York?!! Oh good, so then it’s a FAKE engagement. And we know that Austin won’t be marrying Jake in England because the country has laws against importing hazardous waste.

9:41 PM CST – Ryan cannot blink in astonishment to Jake’s news because his numerous Botox injections have stretched his eyebrows to the back of his head. TJ says it’s OK for Austin to dish about how much he hates gossipy Derek because “Girls say bad things about other girls; that’s what we do.” UGH! Didn’t Mean Girls teach you bitches anything? Plus all the “girls” in this show have penises.

9:44 PM CST – …and the four gays at brunch continue to completely ignore the food in front of them.

9:47 PM CST – Dear LOGO: gays would only go see the new Saw 3-D movie if it had Samantha from Sex and the City in it.

9:48 PM CST – Thankfully TJ covers his abominable hairdo during his talk about Derek’s failed date. Derek laments that he hasn’t had sex for THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS which makes you a eunuch in gay years. Of course, he’s so busy tanning and waxing that he can’t possibly keep up with a boyfriend. Apparently TJ is Ryan’s front desk girl… which by that measure would make us A-Listers too.

Next, the boys go to a slutty party called Carnival and Reichen immediately gets distracted by a butterface smuggling a machete in his thong. It merely re-proves Riechen’s status as an insatiable whorebottom with a hole as wide as The Chunnel. Sorry, didn’t mean to be nasty, but sometimes “girls say bad things about other girls; that’s what we do.”

9:52 PM CST – In his fourth conversation about Jake, Austin demotes his fiancee to a mere “partner” (like they own a goddamned law firm). Their relationship shrinks more with each mention. Then Reichen drunkenly asks Austin “So, uh, once you’re married, will you ever, uh, fool around with…anyone else?” — because Reichen would like to be the meat in their man-wich if it works out. Reichen then slurs out relationship advice while dripping his old fashioned onto his pant leg. Meanwhile Rodiney (standing merely three feet away) pretends not to notice them flirting.

9:56 PM CST – At the party they blur out Amanda Lepore’s breasts because LOGO HATES TRANSGENDER PEOPLE!!! Where is GLAAD on this one? Amanda Lepore beats Michael Musto as the most believable thing in this episode. Derek hates being at Carnival with stupid Austin, so instead of leaving he decides to spend more money on booze, get shitfaced and kiss a stranger on national television. Good luck finding a million dollar hubby, flooze.

9:58 PM CST – In a teary bedroom scene, both Rodiney and Reichen wake up WITH AMAZING HAIR and wonder why their relationship has gone so wrong. Have they NOT been watching the show? We only hope we look this great when breaking up with someone we love.

Reichen keeps asking for Rodiney for permission to talk while lying shirtless with him in bed (cough, cough… cockslave). Rodiney cannot believe that their relationship is getting this bad… we cannot believe they’re acting as if they have an actual relationship instead of a sham one created for the sole purpose of making people dumber.

BTW, what the eff ever happened to Reichen’s jewelry line? All he has going on now is working out, trying to bone Austin, fighting with Rodiney, and his stupid play we that haven’t heard about since the first episode.

NEXT WEEK: Same as last week… will Austin and Reichen finally frug? Will you still care?

I think these guys are hamming it up for the camera, I mean these guys can’t be this egotistical/stupid in real life, can they? Anyways on a lighter note, I would totally break one of my rules and hit and quit Austin-after that he is really completely useless. -Blunt- ^_^

Oct 18, 2010 at 10:58 pm · @Reply ·

Devon

I’d like to thank you for watching this crap so I don’t have to.

Oct 18, 2010 at 11:08 pm · @Reply ·

Kieran

To paraphrase Samuel Johnson: “The gays are very fair people. They rarely speak well of each other.”

Oct 18, 2010 at 11:15 pm · @Reply ·

Mike L.

I got to watch part of an episode at a gf’s house who had logo and omg puke Hahahaha too much drama for this fella.

I like some of the other show I saw especially BUFFY! OMG I’d get the channel just for that hahaha!!!

Oct 19, 2010 at 12:17 am · @Reply ·

jake

Here’s proof that “it gets better” is a lie.

Just kidding. This show is just as much a train wreck as the “Real Housewives.”

Oct 19, 2010 at 6:33 am · @Reply ·

Joe

I don’t care what any of you say, I love watching this show. The producers have tapped into the one element that makes for a reality TV success: shadenfreund.

I was actually approached to be in this bullshit fest of a show on 3 occasions back when it was tentatively called: “The Kept Boys of Manhattan” and when I told the producers that my husband of 13 years wanted no part of it, and that the co-op board of my building was probably not going to allow them to shoot at my apt, and that I was afraid to shoot in my country property because I didn’t want people to actually know where that house is located (privacy reasons) they actually told me not to worry, they would provide fake homes for all of us, fake homes, fake cars, fake friends, fake pets, fake husbands, fake lovers, fake lifestyles, fake tans and a script!…. LOL so I turned them down for the 3rd and last time.

I mean really? By the way, the pay is under 3,000 an episode, I spend that on drinks at the bar in a week. LOL

Oct 19, 2010 at 10:06 am · @Reply ·

Jeffree

Not a fan of the show but the write-ups are the **best** “articles” here on Queerty.
Thanks, guys! Keep them coming!

Oct 19, 2010 at 10:17 am · @Reply ·

Charlie

hmmmm lisp guys eh? Doesn’t Queerty get all up in arms every single time anyone anywhere says something homophobic?

The guy was bascially a pass around for the c list set it sounds like. So only if you can get three condoms on should you risk it. It’s sounding like his ass might be the Staten Island Dump.

Oct 19, 2010 at 11:53 am · @Reply ·

Jay

I watch this show just to hate it. That’s what we girls do, you know.

Oh, and to watch Rodiney who is beautiful, cute, and basically downright, dropdead gorgeous. The rest are just a bunch of boring, Anglo queens, almost all of whom are universally unattractive. Even Reichen of hot bod fame is boring and about as sexual as day old frenchtoast. They’re all horrid. And that includes that modeling “agent” and his female sidekick.

Oct 19, 2010 at 11:56 am · @Reply ·

PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS

What is really truly horrible is this piece of dreck is still on the TVs……..

Oct 19, 2010 at 12:25 pm · @Reply ·

Raul

@Lucia:
It seems that you know nothing about gay behavior. We love/hate everything.

I’ll own up to it, I also watch this show- borderline addiction. It makes me laugh and although not representative of the community its better than some other shows

Oct 19, 2010 at 4:15 pm · @Reply ·

Gurlzz

Third week and the ratings are still bad for the show. Bring back NOAH’S ARC!

Oct 19, 2010 at 5:45 pm · @Reply ·

Julio

Rodrigo, I agree with you, Rodiney is very attractive. By his actions, you can tell he’s passive and the bottom in the relationship Reichen. I don’t like this show because the gay men are all mostly feminine. Rodiney is stupid for taking crap off of Reichen. This is one of the things that turn me off about the gay life style, everything centers on sex, looks, and youth. I find Alex O’Loughlin, Eddie Cibrian, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Tom Welling, Jared Padalecki, and Jensen Ackles to very sexy and attractive. Sure I would like to have sex with them all, but if I were just dating or in a relationship with just one of these guys, I wouldn’t think about sleeping or having sex with another guy. This doesn’t mean, I would look or fantasize about another attractive man I see in public or on screen. LOL Too many gay men of all races will grow old alone with no children or someone who truly loves them.

Also, looking at some of Reichen’s photos in his underwear, the guy has a very small penis. I bet Rodiney is packing fully erect, but he’s the bottom. LOL

I hate the arrogant white Queen Austin. Too many white gay men act as if they are God’s gift to the world or they are the superior race on the planet earth.

Oct 19, 2010 at 9:20 pm · @Reply ·

scott ny'er

@Gurlzz: what are the ratings? link please, i’ve been looking and can’t find it.

Oct 19, 2010 at 10:18 pm · @Reply ·

Patty Simcox

I’m glad to have these recaps. I am actually a Nielsen family but don’t want to contribute to the success of the show.

Oct 21, 2010 at 8:10 pm · @Reply ·

kyle-adrian

Yet another show depicting gays in a negative light. Where are the SMART ones who can actually think beyond fashion and hooking up with a bunch of dudes? The diversity of this show sucks as well, since ONCE AGAIN the only gays who seem to exist in this world are skinny white men. This show sucks and is a waste of time.