The True News Digest part 10/22

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will
appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]
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From: graziano%heurikon.UUCP@charlie.heurikon.com (John Graziano)
Subject: Wisconsin Gov's Shocking Secret Revealed!
Here in Wisconsin, our beloved Gov. Tommy Thompson is having a veto-fest at the
capitol. So far, he's cut over 400 items from the current budget with no signs
of stopping. On Aug 1st, The Green Bay Press-Gazette, a nationally respected
newspaper, carried the story on page 1. The 2-inch headline was supposed to
read:
THOMPSON'S PEN IS A SWORD
Unfortunately, the spacing was a bit off, so unsuspecting Green Bay readers
sat down with their morning coffee to learn:
THOMPSON'S PENIS A SWORD
It gave me a newfound respect for the guy.
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From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Walter C. Daugherity)
Subject: What a Croc!
On the news this morning, Florida governor Chiles defended his state's
sale of 188 permits to hunters to kill up to 15 alligators each by
saying that the income would be used for the Alligator Protection
Program. Protection from what?
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From: mark@armstrong.edu (Mark Eversoll)
Organization: Armstrong State College
Subject: Bacon Cheeseburger Dilemma
I stepped into a fast food place for lunch the other day.
I ordered a bacon cheeseburger, to which the waitress replied: "Would you like
bacon on that sir?"
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From: BARENT@vm1.yorku.ca (Peter Landstreet)
Subject: Here comes the son...
From the Birth Announcements, Toronto Globe and Mail, July 13, 1991:
B.A.G. (Brad) Riddoch and L.M. (Linda) Riddoch, the senior partners of
Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch, formerly Riddoch and Riddoch, are pleased to
announce the appointment of Blake Andrew Harrison Riddoch as Son. He will
report jointly to Mr. and Mrs. Riddoch.
As son Mr. Blake Riddoch's immediate responsibilities will include eating,
crying, sleeping and waste management. He will be located at Head Office in
Toronto.
Blake assumed his responsibilities June 30, 1991 at 19:53 hours, weighing in
at 7 pounds 13 ounces with placement by Dr. Josie Tenore. Formerly of The
Womb, he brings 9 months extensive production and development experience to his
new position.
Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch is family owned and operated...
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From: valentin@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Shawn V. Hernan)
Subject: Sign in Movie Marquee
Sign seen in the State College, PA Cineplex theater Marquee:
101 DALMATIONS
DYING YOUNG
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From: ping@isi.edu (Ping Luo)
Organization: USC-ISI
Subject: intelligent search
I went to USC this morning doing my library search for articles on user
interfaces. I saw rows of computers set there for on-line data base
browsing. I sat there, logged in, chose Computer Science category,
typed in "user interface" as key word for subject and I got a list of
"hit records". One of the records says this: "Title: Do It Yourself ---
Repairing Broken Windows."
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From: koen@fwi.uva.nl (Koen Langendoen)
Subject: The metric system
This came from England. It are the guideluines how an article should be
formatted:
> Print on a A4 sheet of paper, single sided. The grid is:
> 1.5 inch (3.2 cm) from the top
>>>> 0.6 inch (1.5 cm) from the bottom
>>>> 0.7 inch (2.2 cm) from the left and
> 1.7 inch (3.5 cm) from the right.
We always wondered how to convert inches to centimeters, we now know:
1 inch equals 7 centimeters.
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From: klein@blsouth.UUCP (Michael Klein)
Organization: BellSouth Telephone Operations
Subject: Do you trust these guys?
The Payne Elevator Company office in Cambridge, Mass. is in a
single-story building.
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From: geof@aurora.com (Geoffrey H. Cooper)
Subject: NetNews forever
From: news
To: usenet
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 05:47:14 PDT
expire problems:
expire: bad expiry date in `<1991Jul16.123632.27886@bronze.ucs.india...',
expire: specifically, `whenTheUniverseExplodesIntoNothingness' -- ignored
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From: vince@victrola.UUCP
Organization: Vince and Suzie's Underpowered PC, Federal Way WA
Subject: the date from hell
License plate seen in the parking lot at the local mall:
"I have PMS and I carry a handgun."
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From: dwallach@nas.nasa.gov (Dan Wallach)
Subject: Banking humor
Saw this sign today...
FREE CHECKING FOR 117 YEARS
Limited Time Offer
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From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot)
Subject: machine names
I read this somewhere.
You know how most laundromats have a number on each machine? At one apartment
complex, they gave each machine in the laundry room a name, to make it easier
to remember when reporting difficulties. This led to the following note
appearing on the superintendent's door:
Alice gets hot but won't tumble.
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From: p1@arkham.wimsey.bc.ca (Rob Slade)
Organization: Chez Cthulhu +1 604 983 3546 "Caterers to the Elder Gods"
Subject: Printer paranoia ...
Our submission for the "Chicken Little" award for computer
advertising:
From the July 8th edition of "Federal Computer Week", page 36:
"The PS:Refillable Cartridge can be used with nearly
all ... laser printers ... It is refillable by the
user and never leaves the user's premises, insuring
that data security is never compromised."
Laser printer toner cartridges do contain the printer drum. On
laser toner cartridges the drum is 2 - 3 cm in diameter. By
dint of extraordinary effort, you should be able to reconstruct
the last 1/3 of the last page to be printed ...
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From: rsalz@bbn.com (Rich Salz)
Subject: International Safe Sex standard
This came to me through a twisty little maze of forwarded messages:
Your ever vigilant west coast reporter is pleased to report the following
(New Scientist, 6 July):
A new international condom standard has been agreed upon: ISO 4074, after
concluding 15 years of debate. Now Japanese, UK, US and ISO standards all
specify a minimum dimension of 160 mm. The new ISO standard prescribes
air-testing with a minimum volume and bursting pressure requirement to
reflect a minimum of 20N (N = newtons, for the software types and other
peasants) axial force.
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From: wickart@ichips.intel.com (Bill 'Prune' Wickart)
Subject: Forecast *this*, Willard Scott!
After a round of thunderstorms hit most of the USA on Tuesday, the 11 PM
news had an interesting report: the usual set of today's highs and lows,
rainfall amounts, and so on; a few satellite photos; some local interest shots.
Then the weather guy got to the forecast: NONE.
The National Weather Bureau's main forecasting station in D.C. was struck by
lightning, taking out all their computers. No data, no crunchers, no forecast.
But we did have a red sky at night, and the satellite photos helped.
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From: mclane@ecn.purdue.edu (The Inevitable Mr. Zodo)
Subject: Georgia cop.
This is a true story told to me by a guy at work...
He was driving around Atlanta at around 80mph, when he got pulled over by
a cop.
The cop struts up to the car (wearing his sunglasses that are mirrored on
the inside) and says, "Do y'know you were goin' a bit fast, son?"
My friend looked up at the cop, and replied, "Gee, officer, I had an itch on
my dick, and had to move my leg to scratch it."
To which the cop responds, "Well, shit, son! That happens to me all the time!"
My friend got out of two speeding tickets in Georgia using this tactic...
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From: wohltjen@shadow.ait.com (Amy Wohltjen)
Subject: Computer generated humor
Background -> I had ordered 5 CDs from Columbia House. They only shipped
4, however, demanding payment before sending the fifth. On the invoice
was stated:
"We must limit the amount of open charges. We are,
therefore, holding SOME GIRLS until your balance has
been paid... "
I quickly submitted the ransom...
Amy
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From: zephyr@wraith.UUCP (Tom Mansfield)
Organization: Jlew's Abode, Needham, Ma
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
From the top of the United Airlines flight safety brochure:
"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for
assistance."
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From: quinn@ee-cf.stanford.edu (Christine A. Quinn)
Organization: Electrical Engineering Computer Facility, Stanford University
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in
Mountain View, CA:
+---------------------------+
| PUSH |
| If that doesn't work then |
| PULL |
| If that doesn't work then |
| We're closed. |
+---------------------------+
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From: brucek@unicorn.sjc.mentorg.com (Bruce Klein)
Subject: Good Doublespeak
I called AAA to ask for an insurance quote, and their representative
said:
"I'm sorry, but the person I have available isn't available right now.
Could I have someone call you back?"
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From: jime%bullwinkle@juliet.ll.mit.edu
Subject: Sign on a church door
This sign was on a church door on Main Street, Waltham
Massachusetts USA. (The sign is gone now, but it used
to be a solid brass job with three-dimensional letters,
like a bank sign.)
________________________
| |
| Family Planning |
| |
| Use Rear Entrance |
| |
________________________
Honest.
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From: jhildeb1@cc.swarthmore.edu (Jeff Hildebrand)
Subject: The latest advanaces in police technology.
For a few years a road near my parents house had the standard
"Speed Limit 35" sign, with a smaller sign underneath which read:
"Speed monitered by ESP device."
I really wonder what would have happened if someone had challenged
that in court.