From Judge Michael D. Schattman of Fort Worth (348th District Court), this exchange "between attorney Ken Kreis of Bosie, ID and a pretty hostile witness in a case I tried Feb. 15 of the year."

Q. Well, my question wasn't whether he made a lot of trips to the office. My question was, when he did bring anything over for you to sign, any of these administrative or corporate documents, was he personally present most of the times when he hand delivered these things to you?

A. Was Mr. Fugit present when he hand delivered them to me?

Q. Yes, ma'am.

A. Well, I think he would have to be.

Not able to restrain himself, Mike adds this note: "Did tempus fugit or had Fugit already fugited?"

From Nelson V. Shaw of Texarkana (Dunn, Nutter, Morgan & Shaw), this excerpt from the deposition of the plaintiff's wife in a workers' compensation case - with Nelson's explanation that the husband was "an honest to goodness cowboy" whose numerous job-related injuries resulted in "three back surgeries, a knee surgery and bipolar illness."

Q. Even being an experienced cattle person like your husband, you know, it's just a dangerous environment to work in with all the cattle running through there a lot of times. Do you agree with that?

A. That it's a dangerous environment?

Q. Yeah, with people getting hurt a lot. Is that right?

A. No, sir, I don't think it's a dangerous environment. No, sir. I sure don't. I think pilots are dangerous environments. I think being a lawyer and working with irate people would be a dangerous environment -

This marvelous contribution is from Kevin A. Wiggins of Steptoe & Johnson, P.L.L.C. in Clarksburg, W.V.

Wiggins writes: "A local businessman in rural West Virginia who owns an automobile tire store wanted to retire and move to Florida. However, he couldn't find any buyers so he decided to liquidate his inventory by selling it for 90 percent less than the retail price."

The national tire chain heard what he was up to and hired Kevin's firm to obtain an injuction. They promptly went before the judge to schedule a hearing. After Wiggins explained to the judge why his client wanted the injunction, the judge said, in a southern drawl:

"I don't think I can give you a hearing until after 4:00. I have to get new tires for my car.

From Sue F. Reid of Dallas, this marvelous typo in "an order appointing special commissions ... in an eminent domain proceeding for the appointment of three free-holders (disinterested parties) ... for the county court at law to hear testimony and assess damages ... to the property owner." Instead, the order provided:

From Patricia Nasworthy of Grand Prairie (Patricia is prosecutor with the Grand Prairie Municipal Court), this angry typo from a letter sent to her court: I am surprised and shocked over citation #J010425, which allege me of family assault. I have enclosed the citation and plead not guilty.... I have not assaulted my wife, and feel this is a direct attack upon my charter as a man.

April-2000Did They Really Say That?From Jeffrey M. Gamso of Toledo, Ohio, this answer from a completed jury questionnaire from a capital trial in which Jeffrey is co-counsel for the defendant. 34. In your opinion, who is (was) the greatest American to ever live? Why? NAPOLEON-HE WAS LITTLE BUT MIGHTY-ALWAYS 1 WARM HAND.

From Donald A. Ferrill of Fort Worth (Brown Thompson, etc.), this statement from a Petition for Review filed in the Texas Supreme Court by opposing counsel:Evidence does exist that the body was destroyed. Dr. Reed's Single Animal Record reflects that he conducted his own autopsy.

From Jay S. Siskind of Houston (Jay is an Assistant County Attorney of Harris County), these excerpts from a deposition "in which the Plaintiff was being questioned by the defense attorney about how settlement proceeds from other defendents had been split among numerous plaintiffs."

Q. How much of the settlement money did you receive?

A. I got a whole bunch, $2,400. Enough to feed my chickens.

Q. You don't have chickens, do you?

A. That's the only chicken I've got, right there. (Pointing to his wife).

Q. Do you know how your share of the settlement money was calculated.

A. Well, like I said, if it's good enough for my lawyer, it's good enough for me, I mean, you know. The way I look at it, like I told you when you were at the house, all lawyers lie, all lawyers are thieves, and I don't trust none of them. But the whole bottom line is, I'll get my fair share, whatever I'm supposed to get.

And like it says in the Bible, it's harder for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than a lawyer to get into the kingdom of God.

Q. Now I don't think it says that in the Bible.

A. It does, too.

Q. I think it's the rich man, because stockbrokers are bad, too.And I'm just going to object to the responsiveness of your answer.

From Julian T. Lopez of San Antonio (Julian is with the law offices of Fidel Rodriguez, Jr.), this deposition excerpt from a case in which his client was run over in the parking lot of a local nightclub by a "driver" who had a blood alcohol level of between .31 and .33. The other San Antonio attorneys are Samuel B. Katz (representing the driver) and Christopher Strawn (for the nightclub). The witness is an off-duty police officer who worked security in the parking lot.

Q. By Mr. Strawn: From what you recall did those lights across the top if it illuminate the lower level, too?

A. Well, that's basically I think what they were for. The lights were across the top of the parking lot for that parking lot.

Q. How did those lights fulfill their function?

A. Well, from an engineering stand-point, I guess electrons went through the wires to -

Q. I mean, it illuminated the parking lot?

A. It illuminated the parking lot. We already said that, though, so -

Q. Okay. I'm sorry.

Mr. Lopez: I'm going to submit that to the Bar Journal.

Mr. Strawn: No you're not.

Mr. Katz: That was good. I want my name on there. Do it as a joint submission.

From John Lamonaco of Dallas (John, a very successful businessman who admits to being friends, with past DBA President (etc.) Louis J. Weber), this deposition excerpt sent to John by his son, a doctor in Houston - who thinks the witness is Dr. "Red" Duke of Houston.

Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death in the patient?

Doctor: That's correct.

Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?

Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.

Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was in the hospital?

Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.

Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?

Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.

Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?

Doctor: That is what the records indicate.

Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?

Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.

Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?

Doctor: No sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.

From Al Ellis of Dallas (Howie & Sweeney), this typo which he discovered in a letter by him to a withdrawing attorney before the letter left his office:

I have been asked by other members of the Doe family to represent them in regard to their wrongful death claim. It is my understanding ... [that] the Does have terminated your services in this regard. Will you please send me a copy of your entire family at my cost ...?

From Larry Warner of Brownsville, this excerpt from a hearing in a criminal case in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Florida.

The Court (after noting that his watch was about two minutes faster than the one in the back of courtroom): I remember years ago in Gainesville there was a circuit judge by the name of John Cruz, and the story is told that court was set to start at 9:00 and he took the bench at 9:10. And as he did, the state attorney looked at his watch and looked at the clock in the back of the courtroom. And the judge says, "It now being 9:00, the court will come to order." And the state attorney looked at his watch again and looked at the clock in the back of the courtroom. And the judge saw him and says, "Counsel, are you questioning the court that it's 9:00?"

From John R. Brumbelow of Tyler, this excerpt from a very lengthy trial before Judge Sam Bournias (87th District Court, Anderson County). John explains that one of the jurors became ill with heart problems on the fourth or fifth day of trial; that Judge Bournias, sua sponte, excused the juror, and that he then gave the attorneys a lengthy explanation of the events which led to the dismissal of the juror. No one objected, but then this colloquy took place:

In Memory of Judge Jerry Buchmeyer, 1933-2009
Real life Texas Courtroom Humor.
From 1980 to 2008, U.S. District Judge Jerry Buchmeyer entertained lawyers far and wide with his "et cetera" column in the Texas Bar Journal.
For this page, we've reached into the vault to bring you classic material spanning two decades of courtroom humor, most of which comes straight from actual depostions and trials.