And finally, New Rule: Republicans have to stop begging Chris Christie to get in the race, and accept the lousy candidates they already have. Last week, Rick Perry was the man, staring out from the cover of TIME with a look that said, “America, I’m gonna date rape you.” Yes, it was love at first shitkick. And then came one middling debate performance, and now the teabaggers are like, “Oh, Rick Perry? I wouldn’t screw him with Tim Pawlenty’s dick.” I tell ya, this party goes through favorites like Liza Minnelli goes throw eyebrow pencils.

Now, I know they hate it when I say it, but the word for Republicans these days is “promiscuous”.

First, they fell in love with Trump, because they remembered him from back in the ’80s, when they were young and happy and their penises worked. But The Donald turned out to be a lot like his hair: ridiculous, difficult to control, and not very believable.

So then they switched to Michele Bachmann. But she lacked a certain gravitas, or whatever the Latin word is for “brain”. And she had some skeletons in her closet, like her husband.

So then they dropped her and convinced Rick Perry to run. Oh yes, finally the conservative they were all looking for. But then something horrible happened. Rick started talking. And he sounded so dumb, that now they’re even considering voting for a black guy.

The problem is that these candidates all look good from afar. And no one is more visible from afar than Chris Christie. But before you teabaggers embarrass yourselves yet again, let me share with you what Chris Christie looks like in the morning.

He’s for civil unions. He’s for gun control. And he was for the Ground Zero mosque. And most damning of all, there’s a picture of him doing the worst thing a Republican could get caught doing. Yes, he touched the socialist Satan, and then smiled.

So, save yourself the heartache.

And that’s the downside to living in a fantasy world. For a Republican candidate to not disappoint you, he would have to be Jesus of Nazareth. And even Jesus would be toast after a few news cycles. Because “feed the hungry”? Sounds suspiciously like welfare. And “heal the sick”… for free?? (wild audience applause) That is definitely Obamacare! And “turn the other cheek”? Maybe you didn’t hear, Jesus, but this is the party that cheers executions.

So here now is the short campaign timeline of Jesus Christ, Republican candidate.

Day 3

Three days after Jesus announces he’s in, a Gingrich spokesman reports that he read Jesus’s book… and finds some aspects of it troubling. Mitt Romney says Jesus’s previous statements make him appear anti-business. And Rick Perry asks if America is ready for a Jewish President. And then Rick eats a paint chip.

Day 7

At the Republican debate, the other candidates pile on the new frontrunner. Michele Bachmann calls the meek inheriting the earth a colossal expansion of the estate tax. And Newt Gingrich scores the big zinger when he says, “Mr. Christ, America can’t afford another cheek!”

Day 9

Teabaggers start getting e-mails from their idiot brother-in-law about how Jesus is not even from this country. (wild audience applause) And was born alongside a bunch of animals in a manger. And not to harp on it, but where’s the birth certificate? And if he’s a carpenter, is he too pro-union?

Day 10

Jesus is now polling fourth behind Perry, Romney, and the pizza guy. And in a desperate attempt to gain credibility, he goes to New York and has coffee with Trump… who pronounces him, “a decent guy, but a little effeminate”.