A therapist's take on life, the world, you and me.

It’s a heartache

I received another challenging question this week, from Carl. He sent it to me via video, so without further ado, here’s Carl’s question:

And here’s my answer:

Thanks to all of you who have sent in and continue to send in questions. I will be tackling one each week. If I answer your question, I will also offer you a free session of psychotherapy, in person or via the internet.

If you’d like to send in a question for The People’s Therapist, please email it as words or a video, to wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

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6 Responses

Sigh,… I’m just a blue little baby, ha ha.. thanks Will. You’re right,… hmmm, so we shouldn’t feel heartache, but isn’t heartache what most people associate with pain of a break-up? Or is that another pain?

Thank you William for your answer. I feel the heartache you are talking about right now from a recent break up. I didn’t actually know it was related to my childhood but can see how I was dependent on him for meeting my needs. I am in therapy right now and am committed to loving myself fully before I can enter a new or old relationship.
I think posting this video question and answer is important in making a difference for people in their lives. I posted it to my facebook page.

Thank you. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to speak with you at Sandy and Peter’s wedding.

It’s not that you shouldn’t feel anything. Of course you ought to be in touch with your feelings – you have a right to them, they exist, and you need to understand them. The point is to understand heartache, and work on giving yourself the love you need to address that pain. That way you can start to recover, and feel better, and find a true partnership of equals.

Thank you for posting this Q&A. I’m a 24 year old female law student (3L) and I just recently ended another relationship because it didn’t fit my needs for what I thought I was looking for. Even though I feel strongly that breaking up was the right decision, the heartache is there. Now I understand that what I’ve been looking for is someone to fulfill all of my needs (much like a parent), when in fact I should be fulfilling those needs myself and learning to love myself. Are there any books you would recommend on learning to love yourself? I feel like everyone always says you need to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else, but how do you know when you love yourself enough? And how do you even learn to love yourself in the first place? I have learned to love certain characteristics about myself, but at times I am still very hard on myself and I’m always second-guessing whether I am good enough for anyone or at anything…

In any case, thank you for your wonderful website. I wish I could afford to fly to NY to see you!

I actually have a book sitting with a publisher right now – I’ll keep you posted when I get more news on publication dates. And I see lots of people each week via the internet – Skype and gChat, mostly. We could certainly try a session or two that way.

I believe that I have experienced this sort of heartache. The relationship is now over and friendship is not certain. I keep thinking about admitting my mistake(s) and acknowledging to that person from where the drama came, but then my intuition tells me the greatest challenge is to completely let go and that any attempt at explanation is a cry for more attention or at least acknowledgement/affirmation. Any explanation is for myself and not the other person. And if friendship is possible it will happen in time.

It’s time for your appointment

Will Meyerhofer, JD LCSW-R is a psychotherapist in private practice in TriBeCa, in New York City.
You can visit his private practice website at: www.aquietroom.com.
Will holds degrees from Harvard, NYU School of Law and The Hunter College School of Social Work, and used to be an associate at Sullivan & Cromwell before things changed...
Now, in addition to his work as a psychotherapy, he writes books and blog entries and a column for AboveTheLaw.com.