Like most pastors who lead thriving evangelical megachurches, the Rev. Gregory A. Boyd was asked frequently to give his blessing -- and the church's -- to conservative political candidates and causes.

The requests came from church members and visitors alike: Would he please announce a rally against gay marriage during services? Would he introduce a politician from the pulpit? Could members set up a table in the lobby promoting their anti-abortion work? Would the church distribute “voters’ guides” that all but endorsed Republican candidates? And with the country at war, please couldn’t the church hang an American flag in the sanctuary?

After refusing each time, Mr. Boyd finally became fed up, he said. Before the last presidential election, he preached six sermons called “The Cross and the Sword” in which he said the church should steer clear of politics, give up moralizing on sexual issues, stop claiming the United States as a “Christian nation” and stop glorifying American military campaigns.

“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”

Mr. Boyd says he is no liberal. He is opposed to abortion and thinks homosexuality is not God’s ideal. The response from his congregation at Woodland Hills Church here in suburban St. Paul -- packed mostly with politically and theologically conservative, middle-class evangelicals -- was passionate. Some members walked out of a sermon and never returned. By the time the dust had settled, Woodland Hills, which Mr. Boyd founded in 1992, had lost about 1,000 of its 5,000 members.

But there were also congregants who thanked Mr. Boyd, telling him they were moved to tears to hear him voice concerns they had been too afraid to share.

“Most of my friends are believers,” said Shannon Staiger, a psychotherapist and church member, “and they think if you’re a believer, you’ll vote for Bush. And it’s scary to go against that.”

Sermons like Mr. Boyd’s are hardly typical in today’s evangelical churches. But the upheaval at Woodland Hills is an example of the internal debates now going on in some evangelical colleges, magazines and churches. A common concern is that the Christian message is being compromised by the tendency to tie evangelical Christianity to the Republican Party and American nationalism, especially through the war in Iraq.

At least six books on this theme have been published recently, some by Christian publishing houses. Randall Balmer, a religion professor at Barnard College and an evangelical, has written “Thy Kingdom Come: How the Religious Right Distorts the Faith and Threatens America -- an Evangelical’s Lament.”

And Mr. Boyd has a new book out, “The Myth of a Christian Nation: How the Quest for Political Power Is Destroying the Church,” which is based on his sermons.

“There is a lot of discontent brewing,” said Brian D. McLaren, the founding pastor at Cedar Ridge Community Church in Gaithersburg, Md., and a leader in the evangelical movement known as the “emerging church,” which is at the forefront of challenging the more politicized evangelical establishment.

“More and more people are saying this has gone too far -- the dominance of the evangelical identity by the religious right,” Mr. McLaren said. “You cannot say the word ‘Jesus’ in 2006 without having an awful lot of baggage going along with it. You can’t say the word ‘Christian,’ and you certainly can’t say the word ‘evangelical’ without it now raising connotations and a certain cringe factor in people.

“Because people think, ‘Oh no, what is going to come next is homosexual bashing, or pro-war rhetoric, or complaining about ‘activist judges.’ ”

Mr. Boyd said he had cleared his sermons with the church’s board, but his words left some in his congregation stunned. Some said that he was disrespecting President Bush and the military, that he was soft on abortion or telling them not to vote.

“When we joined years ago, Greg was a conservative speaker,” said William Berggren, a lawyer who joined the church with his wife six years ago. “But we totally disagreed with him on this. You can’t be a Christian and ignore actions that you feel are wrong. A case in point is the abortion issue. If the church were awake when abortion was passed in the 70’s, it wouldn’t have happened. But the church was asleep.”

Mr. Boyd, 49, who preaches in blue jeans and rumpled plaid shirts, leads a church that occupies a squat block-long building that was once a home improvement chain store.

The church grew from 40 members in 12 years, based in no small part on Mr. Boyd’s draw as an electrifying preacher who stuck closely to Scripture. He has degrees from Yale Divinity School and Princeton Theological Seminary, and he taught theology at Bethel College in St. Paul, where he created a controversy a few years ago by questioning whether God fully knew the future. Some pastors in his own denomination, the Baptist General Conference, mounted an effort to evict Mr. Boyd from the denomination and his teaching post, but he won that battle.

He is known among evangelicals for a bestselling book, “Letters From a Skeptic,” based on correspondence with his father, a leftist union organizer and a lifelong agnostic -- an exchange that eventually persuaded his father to embrace Christianity.

Mr. Boyd said he never intended his sermons to be taken as merely a critique of the Republican Party or the religious right. He refuses to share his party affiliation, or whether he has one, for that reason. He said there were Christians on both the left and the right who had turned politics and patriotism into “idolatry.”

He said he first became alarmed while visiting another megachurch’s worship service on a Fourth of July years ago. The service finished with the chorus singing “God Bless America” and a video of fighter jets flying over a hill silhouetted with crosses.

“I thought to myself, ‘What just happened? Fighter jets mixed up with the cross?’ ” he said in an interview.

Patriotic displays are still a mainstay in some evangelical churches. Across town from Mr. Boyd’s church, the sanctuary of North Heights Lutheran Church was draped in bunting on the Sunday before the Fourth of July this year for a “freedom celebration.” Military veterans and flag twirlers paraded into the sanctuary, an enormous American flag rose slowly behind the stage, and a Marine major who had served in Afghanistan preached that the military was spending “your hard-earned money” on good causes.

In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others -- by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting warsChristians should instead seek to have “power under” others — “winning people’s hearts” by sacrificing for those in need, as Jesus did, Mr. Boyd said.

“America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric. That’s why our Constitution wisely put in a separation of church and state.

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

Mr. Boyd lambasted the “hypocrisy and pettiness” of Christians who focus on “sexual issues” like homosexuality, abortion or Janet Jackson’s breast-revealing performance at the Super Bowl halftime show. He said Christians these days were constantly outraged about sex and perceived violations of their rights to display their faith in public.

“Those are the two buttons to push if you want to get Christians to act,” he said. “And those are the two buttons Jesus never pushed.”

Some Woodland Hills members said they applauded the sermons because they had resolved their conflicted feelings. David Churchill, a truck driver for U.P.S. and a Teamster for 26 years, said he had been “raised in a religious-right home” but was torn between the Republican expectations of faith and family and the Democratic expectations of his union.

Mr. Boyd gave his sermons while his church was in the midst of a $7 million fund-raising campaign. But only $4 million came in, and 7 of the more than 50 staff members were laid off, he said.

Mary Van Sickle, the family pastor at Woodland Hills, said she lost 20 volunteers who had been the backbone of the church’s Sunday school.

“They said, ‘You’re not doing what the church is supposed to be doing, which is supporting the Republican way,’ ” she said. “It was some of my best volunteers.”

The Rev. Paul Eddy, a theology professor at Bethel College and the teaching pastor at Woodland Hills, said: “Greg is an anomaly in the megachurch world. He didn’t give a whit about church leadership, never read a book about church growth. His biggest fear is that people will think that all church is is a weekend carnival, with people liking the worship, the music, his speaking, and that’s it.”

In the end, those who left tended to be white, middle-class suburbanites, church staff members said. In their place, the church has added more members who live in the surrounding community — African-Americans, Hispanics and Hmong immigrants from Laos.

This suits Mr. Boyd. His vision for his church is an ethnically and economically diverse congregation that exemplifies Jesus’ teachings by its members’ actions. He, his wife and three other families from the church moved from the suburbs three years ago to a predominantly black neighborhood in St. Paul.

Mr. Boyd now says of the upheaval: “I don’t regret any aspect of it at all. It was a defining moment for us. We let go of something we were never called to be. We just didn’t know the price we were going to pay for doing it.”

His congregation of about 4,000 is still digesting his message. Mr. Boyd arranged a forum on a recent Wednesday night to allow members to sound off on his new book. The reception was warm, but many of the 56 questions submitted in writing were pointed: Isn’t abortion an evil that Christians should prevent? Are you saying Christians should not join the military? How can Christians possibly have “power under” Osama bin Laden? Didn’t the church play an enormously positive role in the civil rights movement?

One woman asked: “So why NOT us? If we contain the wisdom and grace and love and creativity of Jesus, why shouldn’t we be the ones involved in politics and setting laws?”

Mr. Boyd responded: “I don’t think there’s a particular angle we have on society that others lack. All good, decent people want good and order and justice. Just don’t slap the label ‘Christian’ on it.”

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Steve on 7:48 PMWhy are evangelical christians sickos? They have made the only sensible decision they could make. The have accepted the Bible as the inerrant Word of God and follow what it says. Jesus is at the centre of their lives so naturally it influences what they believe and how they behave. Somehow, secular liberals foisting their beliefs and opinions on others is Ok but any hint of a Christian expressing a view or supporting a policy which accord with his or hers moral principles is to be rooted out. Come on! Look at the plank in your own eye!

oh steve, dear misguided steve. you want to know why evangelical christians are sickos? well, I'll tell you. you want governmental control so that you can define what is appropriate for my body, what I watch on television, what I read, and how I live my life. you do not support my civil liberties under the constitution. you want them rewritten and regulated by the bible.

how dare you!

a woman should have the right to terminate her pregnancy. choosing to do so doesn't make her any less pro-life.

you don't advocate stem cell research, an extraordinary and important science that can slow down, and possibly even cure alzheimer's, parkinsons, diabetes, some forms of cancers, and spinal cord injuries.

you're not intelligent enough to realize that you have a remote control and are free to change the channel as you see fit. you'd prefer the government to decide what is appropriate for us to watch.

you support censorship in all mediums.

you are intolerant of others.

you go into poor countries rich in ancient history and culture and tell them that if, and only IF they become born again zealot christian freaks like you, you will feed them, educate them, and house them.

you don't support homosexuality, much less homosexuals being treated as equals, receiving the same entitlements and benefits that heterosexuals do.

liberals don't tell you how to live your life, you do. and that is why you and your creepy evangelical christians are sickos.

you have no concept of what the bible is or what jesus represented. you've skewed it into your twisted perverse reality. in fact, if he does shlep back into town, you ain't gonna be saved, pal.

I have a feelingnicoleo, write-p, doc, crowleyand other outspoken, articulate writers will have much, much more to add on this subject.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Hey you,Things are good. When are you coming to visit??? How is life treating you and your little hound?

L

// // //

to: Lfrom: katiedate: today

I am glad that you are doing well. that is so good to hear. After such struggle, you deserve to be happy.

I have been way too busy. truly… life sucks. It’s difficult right now and very deeply challenging. but, as they say, this too shall pass. I’m exhausted. need dick. need to exercise more. lose weight. Get a fucking life ... blah. blah. blah. who cares.

I do want to come up. I do want to see you. you were my first blow job. I think we should fuck.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

... zealot christians, evangelicals, hezbollah, hamas and al qaeda to zealot island in the middle of nowhere and cut off from the rest of the world:

1. I'd love to see these folks play a game of twister!2. they are all right, so it's likely they'd wipe each other out, making zealotry extinct.3. I am so curious as to what the national flag would be.4. it'd be great to see the christian spin on seasonal berkas.5. would jan crouch hook up with osama or nasrallah?6. being submissive to a man is big in christian circles, so they require little training.7. I wonder who would get better play, jesus or allah.8. lots of cool temples and churches on every street corner.9. jew-free zone10. gay-free zone

"Thousands gathered last year in New York for a Billy Graham event. The Evangelical Christian movement is the fastest-growing faith group in America."

this article is so depressing, but so important. ohio is a swing state and the evangelicals are seriously out of control with their sick ass desire to cease and desist from the seperation of church and state. insult to injury, these fucknuts believe every word of the bible without question. creepy.

LANCASTER, Ohio (July 16) - It's not Sunday but Fairfield Christian Church is packed. Hundreds of kids are making their way to vacation Bible school, parents are dropping in at the day-care center and yellow-shirted volunteers are everywhere, directing traffic. In one wing of the sprawling church, a coffee barista whips up a mango smoothie while workers bustle around the cafeteria.

"There are people here from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day -- sometimes later," senior pastor Russell Johnson says as he surveys the activity.

The 4,000 members of Fairfield Christian are part of the growing evangelical Christian movement in middle America. In a March survey, a quarter of Ohio residents said they were evangelicals -- believing that a strict adherence to the Bible and personal commitment to the teachings of Jesus Christ will bring salvation.

The fastest-growing faith group in America, evangelical Christians have had a growing impact on the nation's political landscape, in part because adherents believe conservative Christian values should have a place in politics -- and they support politicians who agree with them.

In that March survey, more than 82 percent of the Ohio evangelicals who attend church at least once a week said they approve of bringing more religion into politics.

"Christians stepped back too far. I prayed in school but my kids can't pray in school," said volunteer Lisa Sexton, 42, a Bible school volunteer. "I should have spoken up earlier."Political analyst John Green said evangelical growth has had a major political impact in Ohio, a key swing state that narrowly decided President George W. Bush's election victory in 2004."Evangelical Protestants have become much more Republican in recent times, although 40 or 50 years ago more of them were Democrats," said Green, director of the University of Akron's Bliss Institute of Applied Politics.

"There was a particular intensification of evangelical links to the Republican Party during the Bush administration in 2000 and 2004."

God and Politics

Sexton believes every word in the Bible, rejects evolution theory, and supports the Iraq war, the Republican Party and Bush -- in part because he is a born-again Christian.

"I trust his opinion because of his beliefs," she said.

Signs of growth are everywhere at Fairfield Christian. The facilities will soon encompass 325,000 square feet -- about twice the size of an average Wal-Mart superstore.

Outside one window a jackhammer pounds away, part of an endless construction cycle at the suburban church about 30 miles southeast of Columbus. At the North Campus, 16 miles (26 km) away the main facility, there is another church, 41 acres for baseball, soccer and recreation, and plans for a retirement center.

Johnson seems involved in it all as he tours around the main church, greeting everyone by name. The pastor also is chairman of the Ohio Restoration Project, a faith-based group that wants to increase the role of religion in public life.

In that role, Johnson is being investigated by the Internal Revenue Service for possible violations of a law that prohibits churches and charities from participating in political campaigns. He denies breaking any law.

Church members are supportive.

"I appreciate the fact that the church is politically involved," said Kyle Hatfield, a 30-year-old father of two who believes the separation of church and state has gone too far.

"It was not our forefathers' intention to prevent churches from being involved," he said. "Our forefathers did not want to force people to belong to a church, but that has been tweaked to mean churches cannot be involved."

Friday, July 14, 2006

I often wonder what famous women’s pussies’ look like in comparison to my own. Not porn pussy or Paris Hilton pussy, because those pussies are superfluous. I’m also educated enough to know that my Jewtang doesn’t hold a candle to their Protang.

I imagine that pussy grooming expenses are tax deductible. That their V’s are as pristine as a Maybach. That they have a shiny effervescent glow, even without titillation. That their vulva lips are soft pink, perfectly budding roses. That mountain spring water gushes when they orgasm. That their pussies are on self-refreshing timers.

Clearly, I have Famous Pussy Pedestal Syndrome and it’s a problem.

But, how could I not? Men clamor to get inside famous pussy, often fixating on one star-slit as their principal source of jerk-off inspiration. Of course they have contingency celebtang, too, that they wouldn’t kick out of bed. What red blooded American man doesn’t want to say, “Yeah. I fucked her.”

In my mind, the reigning pussies in Hollywood must be, Jennifer Aniston. Each believing he holds the key to igniting the innocent fire betwixt her legs. Angelina Jolie. Her snappin’ pussy roars, and rides like the latest and greatest death defying six flags roller coaster. Jessica Simpson. It’s where only “one man” has ever gone. Christina Aguilera. She does the compulsory sexy-lip-squeeze with a haunting rendition of, oh, yeah, baby, yeah, when a man is noshing. Jennifer Lopez because she brands all freshly dipped cocks. Nicole Ritchie. Every man thinks that if he fucks her hard enough and long enough, he’ll split that fragile anorexic in two. Lindsay Lohan. She says, fuck me harder. I said, harder, bitch! In that borderline emasculating empowering way that makes men swagger home, yet leaves them questioning the circle jerk with their JV team. Demi Moore. She dishes up compelling-dominatrix-mud-fuckeree-stripper, pussy. And, finally, Paris Hilton. It’s where every man has gone. The next one in, assuredly owns it; and, a Hilton STD has cachet.

So, how the fuck is it that my lippy, freckled, beige Jewtang is supposed to compete with such omnipotent pussy?! How?! I don’t have the mini tilde leading to a waxed set of infant lips. I enjoy a full bush. I can’t send men in without a roofie and a miner’s cap. Should his semi-erect wheezing, drugged out cock have a pulse by the time he reaches my Circus Act, I got a whole new set of problems, a jacked, low hanging buffalo lip. The kind of lip that makes audiences scream, get out of the house! Run for your life! If he fucks me with a Nonoxynol-9 condom, he better not be around at daybreak. I’m highly allergic to it and my Joon swells to can’t-close-my-legs, sized cauliflower. I also don’t have one of those, I-don’t-care-if-she’s-on-the-rag, boxes. My creepy lips part so the stuck pig can gush to perfect storm proportions. Between that, and the obligatory can-supply-yeast-to-every-fucking-bagel-shop-in-every-borough-in-New-York from antibiotics. How many weeks out of the year, am I really a good fuck?!

If I’m not surfing the Internet for the perfect pussy enhancement MD, I’m looking for a picture of the pussy I want and simultaneously viewing my own, so I know what to email the surgeon. Thus far, they are the only men to drool at the prospect of getting inside my nonny.

Dear Ms. Schwartz:

Thank you for inquiring about our vaginal reconstructive procedures. You sound like a perfect candidate for, Labiaplasty, Vaginoplasty and a full vaginal bleaching.

If your vagina is as unfortunate as it seems, we’d be willing to perform the surgery and after care for free! In exchange for before and after shots for our website. But, if it’s as radical as I hope it is, well, you lucky girl, we might even use you for our offline marketing brochures and press kits.

Looking forward to hearing back from you, and to being a beacon of light in the wake of such a painful storm.

Sincerely,Doctor-like-it-really-fucking-matters

Ok, so, in exchange for a free, supple, sweet, pink and might I add, famous pussy, I just have to undergo lip reconstructive surgery, and heavy doses of bleach on my gash.

Are you fuckin’ kidding me?!

I record plastic surgery nightmare tales on every fucking channel in every fucking language. I’m not lookin’ for a telethon twat. The last thing I need is a Jerry Lewis “special” pussy. With a scary close up, synced up to a palsy sound byte creaking out of my hole with fundraisers applauding my heroic efforts.

what the fuck do you think I'm doing at 3:30 in the morning? sleeping?! in a fuckin polish wet dream of holland, I'm sleeping. I jerk off to posturpedic bed commercials and the happy-go-sleeping-lucky-fuckers that look rested in them!

jerking off: again, not having a dick is just a formality.

I was thinking earlier today that halloween costumes can be so revealing. I had a neighbor, a weasley little trust fund bitchboy who never made the cut in life. fancies himself a real entrepreneur. newsflash dipshit, workin' for daddy three hours a day and collecting 10K a month doesn't make you an independent man or a man. it makes you a pussy bitchboy. I digress... he dressed up as a doctor one year:

a starched white coat with a laminated name tag that clips onto his coat and a shiny gold stethoscope. he was workin' WAY TOO MUCH md pride.

I recently attended a meeting with parents of recovered drug addicts and alcoholics, which was a very enlightening and moving experience and inspiring. so much courage in one room.

enlightening because out of 50 peeps, I was the only jew in the crew. my people just aren't drinkers or druggers. but, man, I bet if I walked into an overeater’s anonymous meeting it would be chalk-a-block, like temple on a high holiday.

OKAY BITCH, STOP SNEEZING!!!!

I read a quote in a magazine, something that shannon dougherty said, "I don't need to settle for anything less than Mr. Right,"

crooked face, it's mr. right NOW!

she went on to tell extra. "I'm a little too old to be making the same mistakes."

oh, you mean just in relationships, right?I wonder if blake hardin showed his katie schwartz my katie schwartz blog and we haven't heard from him because he / she thinks I was serious about my top 10 reasons blake hardin should fuck me, katie schwartz. if this is true, katie schwartz, we're not creepy chicks. come on now. it's me, katie schwartz!

Monday, July 10, 2006

katie: dude, I think I freaked out my distraction todaynicoleo: oh yeahnicoleo: what happened?katie: I developed a really scary case of creepy chick syndromenicoleo: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHkatie: it was bad nicoleonicoleo: OMG!!!!nicoleo: hahahahahahanicoleo: what did you do?!katie: oh dudekatie: I can tell you without reservation or hesitationkatie: the truthkatie: well, I just kinda fuckin lost itkatie: got really inapropriately insecurekatie: and said, "what's wrong? am I boring you? am I irritating to you? i dont understand what's going on and why you havent emailed me back."katie: then when I didnt hear backkatie: because I hadnt FREAKED HIIM OUT ENOUGHkatie: I thought, gee, katie, why dont you just terrify the pants off of himkatie: so I emailed him again and said, "oh, god, I think I just went all creepy chick syndrome on you. I am so sorry. I think I caught it from a girlfirend. it's really not my personality to creep people out, but well, I'm real sorry"katie: dude, you think he emailed me back?katie: of course notkatie: I FREAKED HIM OUT BIG TIMEkatie: I had it bad todaynicoleo: dude he totally got creepy guy syndrome on you last weekkatie: true, but let's face it, nicoleo, a guy has the luxury of creepy guy syndrome. women dontkatie: once we've been categorized, WE'RE FUCKEDkatie: there's no turning backkatie: it's the titanic!katie: balls to the wall destructionkatie: men sit shiva for this!Katie: women forgivenicoleo: good point. hahahaha. but hey - he's a distraction, and therefore fun to digitally fuck withkatie: HAHAHAkatie: you are so badkatie: who the fuck goes creepy chick syndrome on a distraction anyway?!?!?!?katie: what a dumb ass

Dear Lord, thank You for this struggle of obedience I am facing. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to choose You over myself. I resolve in my heart to obey You and resist temptation. I will not _________ (do the thing I was planning to do.) Now, Lord, I confess that I need your help. I cannot obey in my own strength. Be my Defender and my Deliverer. You are able to deliver the godly from temptation. Thank You for that. I will give you all the praise for the victory. Help me to walk in obedience with every step. Have mercy on me. I want to choose You. Help me. Give me strength and mercy when I am weak. Battle the forces of darkness on my behalf because of Your goodness. I am your child and servant and I look to You to be bigger than me and take care of me. Thank You, Daddy.for me, the thank you, daddy, just sends it home. I'm talking standing ovation worthy performance in creepiness squared. THANK YOU, DADDY!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

friday, louie was sedated and x-rayed and oooh, did he do famously! his surgeon said he's healing beautifully, absolutely beautifully! she couldn't believe it.

my parents both had pretty major surgery's this year and afterwards, they were encouraged to walk; so, four weeks into louie jew's surgery, I let him walk, a lot.

a mother knows...

as a result, his muscles are strong. no atrophy. and he's in miraculous shape. he can start walking a bit more now, maybe running a little bit and by next month, he'll be back to his old self again. is that fab or is that fab!!!

George W. Knox, director of the National Gang Crime Research Center, said, In order to understand any subculture, be it al-Qaida, witches, devil worshippers or gangs, you have to be able to know their own language.

I'm trying to wrap my head around al-qaida, witches and devil worshippers being in the same league. but, I'm having a real hard time with it. how are witches a threat to national security again? I don't recall reading about any devil worshippers keen on suicide bombings. you?

so... here are some excerpts, but you must click through and read the whole thing. it is so shameful and so shallow. oh, scratch that, I mean, SO CHRISTIAN!

"Jerry is such an amazing servant! He reminds me so much of my precious husband, Steve." um. jerry's black. and don't be tellin me that servant of jesus gig is an honor. a servant is a servant is a servant. how would diva blair feel if someone called her cracker with a cheese whiz back.

"I was sooooo intimidated. I was so scared I was going to have to pray out loud in front of them. I mean really, first there is Beth, who can probably drink a cup of coffee with anointing. Then there is Priscilla, who prays with such authority that she could be reading the phone book and people would get saved."

"I mean, I love Beth and all, but I came to meet Jesus and He showed up before we even got to see what Beth was wearing and how she did her hair."

"Beth was amazing. She was wearing a very cute shimmery/leathery white jacket with Capri jeans trimmed in lace with half of her hair pulled back in a large clip."

"I feel like my weight might be distracting to the people I have the privilege of ministering to who only come in the first place to see "Blair." Again, I thought I was not being a good steward of the platform God has given me."

if you're not nauseas, please keep reading:

"I realized I was struggling with the size, significance, and "success" of my ministry. Yes, that is completely unspiritual, self-centered, prideful, and ugly. I often battle feeling like my ministry is not as deep as a real Bible teacher. I feel like I'm a story-teller and an encourager, but that seems so shallow. I want to be on the bestseller list, I want packed-out sanctuaries, I want to see salvations and healings and lives supernaturally changed in an instant. I want to usher in and witness the power of God in manifest glory. I know it isn't about the show or the signs or the sales. It is about being the part of the body God has created me to be. I know that, but I want more. I want God to be proud of me. And I don't want to disappoint my publishers and event teams and women's ministry directors."

my favorite is, "I know it isn't about the show."

somebody shove a big thick cock up this chick's jesus lovin' pussy and make her cum! for the love of god, this woman needs to get pulverized by a real man who will fuck her like a dirty, slutty catholic school girl.

so, when the check came, blair picked it up with her 'mom time ministries' credit card. however, blair's card was declined (sad blair).

the best part of the story is their little banter about the interpretation of blair's card being rejected:

beth cleverly jumped in: “I think this is god saying that I’m supposed to treat you to dinner.I fought back: No, I think this is god saying you are supposed to meet my husband, Steve.

when my credit card is declined, I chalk it up to being fat, poor white trash. but, maybe I'm missing something. maybe big j is trying to send me a message. should I be stealing cards from neighboring check folders? should I suck my waiter's cock?

I think I'm going to sit in the closet like lisa welchel does with my ipod and see if I can't mainline god.

1. fame. finally!2. never having to audition again and still fame prevails.3. she thinks my sleezy, tough guy image is hot.4. I make love to her. ewwwww.5. I tattooed her image on my arm = love.6. she's got a horse face too! our children will nay.7. like my buddy k-fed, a rich bitch is better than a po bitch.8. I'll never fly economy again.9. television network red carpets blow olive garden's red carpets away.10. I don't have to buy her tits.

About Jewgirl

Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer and non-fiction essayist, among other literary loves. She is a contributing writer for Zouch Magazine and Mock Paper Scissors. To read more, hit http://katieschwartz.com/bio