Wednesday, March 9, 2016

We moved... we made it... we're alive still... even if just barely.
Well, we're actually doing much better now, but this move was HARD. Not
only were we put though the ringer with our buyers (don't get me
started!) but such a major life event, right after joining a new family,
was crazy-hard on Hallie. She went from being the new family darling,
who was settling in and happily bouncing around her new home, to feeling
lost in the busyness of packing and unsure of where she stood. Every
box we packed left her wondering what was happening and no amount of
explaining could help her understand or ease her underlying worries.

It's common for adopted children to regress to their orphanage behaviors
when going through stressful times... and Hallie was no exception. In
her previous life, at the orphanage, things were painfully difficult
for the children at "the bottom" so there was some major motivation to
make sure someone else was always below you in the hierarchy of your
peers. Hallie's uncertainty brought out some regressive behaviors that
were tough to live with. It can be majorly challenging to get along
with a sibling that continuously tattles on you, even when you're not
really doing anything wrong, or when they smugly gloat after receiving
any and every little thing, including any show of attention or
affection, or when they work to make sure someone is always excluded
from the play. I could see how this was difficult for the other kids,
but I would still get crazy frustrated with them for not being more
patient. There is nothing like yelling at your kids because you are
tired of contention. Oh the irony. It was just hard all around.

Although I could reason why Hallie was acting this way, it was still so
utterly maddening to have to deal with during an already stressful
time. Moving a family of eight is enough work to be considered a full
time job... and with a hard deadline, I had no choice but to keep
packing up, box after box, even though I could see it was starting to
have a negative impact on Hallie. I kept questioning the timing of our
move and Ryan and I had frequent conversations about just pulling the
plug on our move. But even though, logically, it seemed like the worst
possible timing, Ryan and I kept feeling like it was what we needed to
do. Through all of this, I knew Hallie needed reassurance, but it was
getting more and more difficult to give it to her when I knew she would
turn around and throw my affection into her siblings faces, creating
problems and causing bitterness.

The honest, painful, truth is that, to varying degrees, we were all
beginning to resent Hallie... or more accurately, Hallie's behavior, but
it was becoming harder and harder to separate the two. The more Hallie
sensed any frustration, the more she used unproductive means to try to
achieve "favorite" status. Of course I knew that Hallie was coming from
a place of devastating hurt and loss and what she needed most was my
time, love, and affection, and I had just spent ten long months yearning
to give these things to her, but circumstances were making them so darn
difficult to provide or to even want to provide! I felt terrible about
that. The combination of the stress of our move and the intensity of
Hallie's neediness overwhelmed me. I was really not my best self and
guilty feelings consumed me as I could see that we were in a deep
downward spiral.

We made the move, but then there was still unpacking to do, so things
didn't get much better. If anything, they got worse... two days after
we made the move, I started to feel sick but just kept pushing forward,
trying to get things settled. (Burnout is real!) It wasn't until after
feeling terrible for two weeks that I finally made time to see the
doctor and found out that I had been fighting a nasty strep infection. A few
days after starting antibiotics, I began to feel like a functioning
human again and things continued to look up once we achieved a degree of
functionality in our unpacking just before Hallie's upcoming surgery.

Much to my surprise, Hallie's surgery was the event that really pulled
us out of our tailspin. Hallie has thoroughly enjoyed being waited on
hand and foot. And the fact that Hallie's pain was now visible made it
easier for her siblings to be sympathetic and more patient. The surgery
and body cast have been hard for Hallie in different ways, (another
blog post for another day) but they put an abrupt end to the negative behavior patterns
that we had been battling. We still have a lot of work to do in the
bonding department. We're realizing that it is just going to take a lot
more time and effort than it did with Jordan. There is a whole lot
more negative life experience to have to work through. Hallie still
regresses some when she is feeling insecure, and I'm sure she'll
continue to struggle with this until she gets to a place of complete
understanding that our love for her is unconditional. I pray every day
that we'll get there soon!

By: Amy Andersen I designed this blanket because I love cables, but I don’t like there to be a “wrong side” of a blanket. So I made a rev...

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I don't charge for most of my patterns because really, they are just simple patterns and I truly like sharing, but if you would like to show your appreciation for the time I spent putting them together by donating to our “Medical Convention" fund, I would be extremely grateful. We have two sons with the same extremely rare genetic condition, Russell-Silver Syndrome. Because of how rare their condition is, most doctors know very little about it. We're saving up to take them to the MAGIC Convention so they can have the priceless opportunity to be seen and evaluated by world specialist on their condition. Thank you!