Peter Chianca: Bruce to Miley: Get off that wrecking ball!

Wednesday

Sep 11, 2013 at 12:01 AMSep 11, 2013 at 11:12 AM

Dear Miley: How ya doin’? I just wanted to drop you a note to say hi, ‘cause we got a lot in common -- for instance, did you know I put out a song called “Wrecking Ball” just like you? I didn’t do a video where I swing stark naked from an actual wrecking ball like you did, but other than that, yeah, it’s real close. Maybe next time!

Peter Chianca / At Large

An open letter to Miley Cyrus from Bruce Springsteen:

Dear Miley:

How ya doin’? I just wanted to drop you a note to say hi, ‘cause we got a lot in common -- for instance, did you know I put out a song called “Wrecking Ball” just like you? I didn’t do a video where I swing stark naked from an actual wrecking ball like you did, but other than that, yeah, it’s real close. Maybe next time!

Anyway, I been around a while, and I thought maybe you’d appreciate some, you know, career advice, since I know it’s tough bein’ in the spotlight and all that. I realize I was in the spotlight for being dubbed “rock ‘n’ roll’s future” and you’re there because you shook your bottom against Alan Thicke’s kid on national television, but it’s the same premise, ya know?

I mean, I’ve had a pretty good career and everything, but there are some things I wish somebody had advised me against along the way. For instance, that video where I danced with Courtney Cox and kept swinging my arms up and down like a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot. Stevie still gives me a hard time about that -- sometimes I come out of my dressing room and the whole band is there doing it. Hey guys, give it up, it’s been like 30 years already!

So I’m thinking maybe if someone had told you not to do that butt shaking, or not to keep sticking your tongue out like you were at the otolaryngologist’s office, or, you know, that whole naked wrecking ball thing, you might be in a better position now, career-wise. I realize that horse is out of the barn now, but I’m sure the next thing was gonna be worse, if that’s possible.

Anyway, I have this expression I like to use, “Nobody wins unless everybody wins.” And when I saw you stickin’ your tongue out on the VMAs and licking that sledgehammer in your video, I thought, these are definitely “nobody wins” moments we’re talking about here. Not you, not me, not your dad Billy Ray, whose head is probably gonna explode and tear this whole town apart any minute now. Besides, licking a sledgehammer -- do you have any idea where that thing’s been? There’s probably like pieces of drywall on it and stuff.

Let me tell you a story: I remember this one time when I was about your age I got my draft notice. I came home after I’d been gone for three days and walked in the kitchen, and my mother and father were sitting there, and my dad said: “Where you been?” and I said, “I went to take my physical.” He said, “What happened?” I said, “Well, I didn’t hang naked from a wrecking ball.” And he said: “That’s good.” That’s not exactly how it happened, but I’m trying to make a point here.

So I’ve already gone on for too long, but just to recap: Tongue hanging out, bad; naked on wrecking ball, bad; dancing like a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot, bad; being the future of rock ‘n’ roll, good. So if you take that to heart maybe you can wind up more like that nice Taylor Swift kid, who is never naked in public. Also, my lawyers will be contacting you about the whole “Wrecking Ball” name thing.

Sincerely,

Bruce

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites and author of “Glory Days: Springsteen’s Greatest Albums.” A version of this column appeared on Blogness on the Edge of Town.