Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Pickle Me This

In my inbox this morning:

The Vlasic Stork Is Calling All May Babies! One May-Born Baby Will Win Big With Vlasic Pickles! May Is National Pickle Month!

In celebration of National Pickle Month, Vlasic®Pickles is in search of a lucky May-born baby who meets the company’s criteria to become the official Vlasic® Stork Baby of 2008. The winning baby and family will win a $20,000 US Savings Bond, be officially named Vlasic® Stork Baby and receive a year’s supply of Vlasic Pickles. Entrants simply e-mail a photo of the new baby, and a statement of 50-100 words on “Why My Baby Should Be the Vlasic® Stork Baby"

To sweeten the pickle even more, Vlasic® is offering the family an extra treat! If the parents of the Vlasic® Stork Baby want to show their love and dedication to Vlasic® Pickles by making his or her middle name, “Crunch,” the savings bond value will be increased to $25,000

That's right. All I have to do is give my second-born child the middle name CRUNCH, and I could be eligible to maybe win a whole $5000, on top of a year's supply of pickles, maybe.

Which, OMG, would totally be, like, the best thing that had ever happened to me, EVER, for seriously.

So let's see... fifty to a hundred words... (taps side of keyboard thoughtfully)...

Okay:

"Why My Baby Should Be The Vlasic® Stork Pickle Baby"

By Her Bad Mother

My baby - he's not born yet, but we're expecting him to arrive sometime during Pickle Month - should be The Vlasic® Stork Baby because I like pickles and also because I'm pretty sure that he will look like a pickle. Have you ever seen a newborn baby? They are wrinkly, just as if they'd been cured in vinegar, which they haven't, but you know what I mean. Those amniotic fluids do something weird to babies, so that they look like wrinkled little pickles when they come out of your parts, which bothers some people, but not me! I like pickles! Especially the ones that still have dill stuck to them. I'm hoping that my baby will have dark hair when he comes out so that he'll look just like a little dill-splattered pickle. (NOTE: I am willing to take pictures of his newborn pickly self, and send them to you for the purposes of press and whatever media outreach you have planned. If you could also supply me with some green food dye, I could make sure that he's extra pickly. I will also make sure that the Vlasic® Stork trademark is prominently visible, perhaps on his forehead? Or wherever you like.)

And I will certainly give him the middle name CRUNCH. It was already on our short-list, anyway. We'll have to rethink the first name - my husband was pulling for CAP'N, because there were some other branding opportunities there - but that won't be a problem because Quaker Oats only provides a six-month supply of product and my husband doesn't approve of sugary cereals for the kids anyway.

Please pickle pick my baby! It would be a dream come true!

Now, we wait! In the meantime, um... BOYCOTT VLASIC PICKLES. They want to pickle ur babeez.

Any parent who would hang their child with the middle name of "Crunch" for an extra $5k in college fund deserves a child who drops out of high school, lives in the basement, and attempts to bring back Beat Poetry on Bongos as a careerfield.

You have lured me out of lurkdome. Seriously woman. I am sitting in a coffeeshop, with tears running down my face and a sheepish look on my face as the other calm-coffee-drinking-folk look at me wondering if I've lost my mind. Holay crap. Kudos on this blog. Seeeeerious kudos.

I will try for twins; then I could name the other precious darling "Munch," thereby doubling the branding and snack food possibilities. (I know what you're thinking about Munch and I'm telling you, just don't go there. There are pickles on the line, after all.)

If you want to get all movie-star about it, there are lots of excellent first-name possibilities, including Traffic, Crispy, Magnificent, and Knuckle.

My sister, when she was pregnant, referred to the child by the excellent name Bubba Gazebo, which had a fine ring to it. Sadly, it turned out to be a girl so the name was utterly inappropriate. But I'm sure if this contest had been around then, she would have gone with Magnificent Crunch, which really does sound almost regal. Or like an NBA/movie/NFL star or hippie. See, so versatile. Those Vlassic folks are really thinking!

I've known people to name their children after their favourite alcohol - Bailey and Morgan - and after Star Trek characters - Chicote (or however it's spelt). And they didn't get paid for their trouble.