Predicting Donald Trump’s Vice-Presidential Pick

Jeff Sessions: Still boasting a full head of real, un-dyed hair at age 69, he would add much-needed diversity to the ticket

Chris Christie: Naming him as VP would provide poignant closure to their story, as Christie initially loathed Trump before the two bonded over their shared history of ruining New Jersey

Newt Gingrich: Once said that women would be ill-suited for combat on the grounds that “females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections”, which should make it easy for he and Trump to create a unified indirectly-but-disparagingly-referencing-female-menstruation message

Michael Flynn: Everyone knows putting a registered Democrat on the ticket is the best way to unify and heal the splintered Republican party in the wake of Trump’s primary victory, so this should be a no-brainer

Mike Pence: The fourth sentence of his Wikipedia entry reads, “In September 2010, Pence was the top choice for president in a straw poll conducted by the Value Voters Summit”—a stunning endorsement of his relevance, popularity, accomplishments, and widespread appeal

Paul Ryan: He’s not on the shortlist, but yeah, it’s going to be him. The GOP is gonna be like, “hey, you should be Trump’s VP so that we can pretend we’re keeping some semblance of an eye on him” and Ryan will be all “no that goes against my conservative principles” but then 5 minutes later he’ll be like “yeah ok I’ll do it but this is the last time I do this for you” but we all know he’ll give in when they inevitably ask him to run for president in 2020

Bernie Sanders: Totally worth it just to see the looks on the faces of the Sanders supporters who considered his endorsement of Clinton a rank betrayal

Sarah Palin: PLEASE let this happen. America is starved for postmodern stream-of-consciousness prose. We NEED Sarah Palin on a national stage again

Huh, nobody on the shortlist went to an Ivy League school; that’s unusual: Either this is a victory for the common people over those elitist East Coast fat cats, or Trump, a Penn grad, doesn’t want to tarnish his winner’s image by associating with anybody who went to a better school than he did

Newt Gingrich, again: OK, hold on, let me just provide the whole context for that quote I pulled, which, to be clear, comes from his VERY FIRST LECTURE for a class he was teaching at an ACTUAL UNIVERSITY, which he gave just days into his tenure as SPEAKER OF THE GODDAMNED HOUSE:

“If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don’t have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they’re relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn’t matter, you know. These things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes.”