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Author
Topic: Coming out / Disclosure survey (Read 8906 times)

okay, so two of my neggie friends & i have had the debate. they believe it is my responsibility to disclose to my partners prior to sex. i believe that it is both parties' responsibilities to ensure their own safety. now, most of my poz friends have an each person for themselves policy. please, tell me how you feel. i believe in disclosing early so im kinda on the somewhat my responsibility side. i also don't like my categories but bear with me.

past the poll, this is open for debate. i don't believe in disclosing all the time. also, would love to know your reasoning.

I didn't vote as I believe disclosure is very personal (in other words, up to each individual person). For myself, I would disclose. But, I believe it's each person's responsibility to protect himself/herself.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Before I started having sex with the person who infected me, I was the one who brought up the conversation then, this was early 90's. He didn't disclose then and still doesn't. If and when he does disclose he makes like he just found out so the other person will feel bad for him.So I guess for people who are negative, it wouldn't hurt to see a copy of the results or to always wear condoms even in monogamous relationships.

I voted that it is each person's equal responsibility to disclose. But in real life, I'm inevitably the first to bring up the subject. Bringing it out in the open right away is a great way to separate the weenies from the men.

You cannot serosort without disclosure. Serosorting saves me from vast amounts of fretting and anxiety, and frankly I wouldn't do it any other way. But, as my friend BT said, it's ultimately a very personal matter and one best left to the discretion of the parties involved.

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Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Whether I disclose or not I am not going to expose another person to getting hiv from me nor will I expose myself to getting something from them. That said, is it an issue unless you have sexual intercourse? I do tell guys upfront I don't want the anxiety of wondering if I caught something and they shouldn't either so I play safe.

I wouldn't be surprised if most neggies believe it is the responsibility of the pozzie to disclose prior to sex. For many (not all) neggies, I believe this lulls them into a false sense of security that if no one mentions HIV, then they are free and clear. For others -- both poz and neg -- I think it is an uncomfortable conversation that many would prefer to avoid. Generally speaking, a good rule of thumb is that the conversations you want to avoid are probably the ones you really need to have.

Personally, I disclose before sex (which has been years for me, but that's another thread). I think it is a far more difficult conversation to have *after* having sex with someone, especially if you are interested in building a relationship with them, as I believe the neggie perceives it as a breach of trust. Of course, if the neggie didn't bring up the issue either, then in my opinion they have tacitly agreed to the risk.

Another big factor is that, in some locales, the law requires one to disclose before sex. That's something I don't want to deal with. Due to a still fairly high level of misunderstanding of HIV in the general populace, I think most judges and juries would tend to rule against a poz person who didn't disclose before sex.

Regards,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

I personally choose to disclose , I am comfortable talking about my HIV status and prefer some one to know it up front before sex .

This day in age it kind of sends a red flag up to me if some one doesn't offer or want to discuss ones HIV status before sex , it makes me wonder if they are properly educated about HIV or that they may be so uncomfortable talking about the issue that it may be a problem for them and there for myself later . This is one of the the reasons I always disclose .

I've been ALL over the map on this at different times in my life. From militant discloser (We ALL MUST TELL EVERYONE) to Militant protector of individual freedom...what a strange trip though a mine field continuum it has been.

One thing I really find interesting: When I work with HIV negative people in focus groups etc and discuss this, there is often a concensus around "people need to know" and "They (HIV positives) should tell". At the same time, when asked "Do you bring the issue up?" (So they CAN tell you), a majority usually say no. There reasoning usually involves:

-It's a turn off-Why foes sex always have to be about disease-It's not MY job, I'm clean-I'm more interested in other things (how we're gonna fuck etc)

This is NOT a scientific report, just stuff off the top of my head from working in HIV prevention and Care and doing focus groups, workshops and trainings on Prevention with Positives.

All of this is just my own opinion from my own experience--your mileage may vary

Leave it up to me to be the odd man out. I do not disclose right away though I will bring the issue up. It took me a long time just to get to the point of talking about it but I feel both parties should be responsible and not just left up to the poz person to be the one to be safe. Even if the other person is not poz who knows what they could have.

In a sexual situation I believe a person who is aware they are HIV positive should tell. I also believe it would be smart for everyone to ask but not everyone remembers to asks those important questions prior to naked time. So in my opinion (not oppnion) the informed should bear enough responsibility to inform the uniformed. You might just help stop a future infection...

Since my diagnosis I have talked with persons I boinked prior to the act and asked them if they had anything other than HIV that is sexually transmissible.

Note to those who where not aware.I said anything other than HIV because I haven't dated anyone who wasn't positive since my diagnosis.

With the statement the unformed should bear enough responsibility to inform the uninformed.

This is not a broad stroke here. I'm not forcing my belief system on anyone. But if you where to inform your potential partner that you are HIV positive they hopefully would get it in their head that they should be asking people they intend on having sex with whether they are positive or not. Therefore in that instance you could be helping that person make better choices. Perhaps preventing them from making any mistakes down the road.

Condom use was not the point. I should hope if a person is positive and not informing their sex partner of their status that they would use a condom.

I wouldn't be surprised if most neggies believe it is the responsibility of the pozzie to disclose prior to sex.

I agree very much with Henry's statements here.

Too many think that it is the burden of the poz person to protect them. While I think people who are poz have a responsibility to share their status with their sex partners (whether for ethical reasons or practical ones as highlighted with the prosecutions of poz people that Henry mentioned) they should not be held accountable beyond the neg person's responsibilities for their own choices.

That made me think about how often people lie about STD's in general. Just because you ask a person about their status or if they have any other STD's doesn't necessarily mean they will tell you the truth.

My rose colored glasses really should be dusted off every once in a while. Dont cha think?

In my experience people who believe they are HIV-negative almost always say it is an HIV-positive person's duty to disclose, so they (with disappointment) have to use condoms but they themselves are too chicken to admit the risks they have taken (again) and get a test at regular intervals. Plus talking about HIV makes them go soft even if they've taken Viagra, so they would prefer the topic not to come up. Or they don't believe the person they's gonna shag could be HIV-positive and/or they's too dim/trashed to shag someone with a blood-borne virus (like you can tell by looking), so same effect.

This conclusion, which is of course an unfair but pretty bloody accurate generalisation as far as gay men goes, is based on extensive in-person survey over 10 years.

Its the responsibility of both parties. I choose to disclose prior to sexual activity.I also want to know from a "supposed" neg when he was tested because I need to protect myself from another potential poz who might give me another strain of the Virus. I hate to think I`m any less because I`m Poz and they are Neg. I treat it like a chronic illness just like my cancer. In my world, HIV disclosure is first and than I share that I`m a cancer Survivor.Than if by some chance it goes so well and we plan to get married I disclose my BiPolar disorder. Who wouldn`t want to be with me, I`m a great catch, ain`t I ? LOLOLOL

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" My Body Might Be Broken, but My Spirit and Soul are Alive and Well " my personal mantra

Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

I have had a condom break during sex . If that happend with some one that i did not disclose my status before sex then I would think it a huge mistake , after all the person may have made the choice not to take the chance however slight that this could happen .

Personally, I am always the one to disclose first. I don't think it is my responsibility to always do it first, but for my own piece of mind I want there to be no debate about who said what. Condom or no condom, I would still tell.

You all are right, both people need to disclose, I am usually the first though.

I'm not sure how to answer this survey, as the choices don't make sense to me.

Only one can start a discussion (so the "both" choice isn't logical), but you need both to have a discussion (so the me only doesn't fit).A "neg" person can't truly disclose their status, because how does one know he/she is negative at that moment?

So, I'll answer here. For me..... I would always disclose -- even though I think everyone is responsible for their own well-being, the fact is that I KNOW I have HIV. A negative person only knows what their serostatus was when last tested. I know that I told people I was negative, when I was probably not -- based on an old test result. I was neg in April 2001 (have the life insurance policy to prove it) and tested poz in Aug 2005.

I didn't vote because I don't have disclosure issue these days because (i) I have very little sex, and (ii) for the little sex I have, I sought out only other pozzies. And we're STILL using condoms because I am worried that I might pick up other STDs. Sigh,.. the costs I pay for whoring my bare ass around ..

Ok , this is a big one for me. I feel that there are many a naive people in this world, meaning, not everyone in the world may be educated enough to realize how prevalent and how easy it can be to catch hiv. I feel it is our responsibility to disclose to someone if we are to become initimate in any way, because you never know how intense things may become while in the midst of passion. Had I only knew this long ago. I just think we should want to protect each other from harm. Some may think, you caught this disease in the year 2000?? How could you not know that you may be putting yourself at risk. Well, I didn't know and I know the reasons why I didn't know--now. It was the way my life had been, sure I heard of this disease here and there, even got tested in the middle 90s, but life happened and being caught up in taking care of the responsibilities in my life caused me to be completely focused on other aspects in my life. I was taking care of my children, working and trying to sleep when I could. I hardly ever watched tv or listened to the radio, when I did have the time it was stuff that was appropriate for the kids. Anyway, what I am getting at is that not everyone has the knowledge about this disease, even to this day. You hardly hear anything about stds and hiv. If you have had parents that could not be there for you in the right capacities, then there goes that way of learning out the window. I just don't think that we should assume that others are educated enough and that they should know better, because it's just not fair, and this world is not fair and we should look out for each other.

When my kids hit puberty I got a big box of condoms, took one out showed them how it worked (on my finger,lol) and gave them a couple and told them to practice when they had the privacy to do so. Their father is should we say "old fashioned" and has not even spoken to them about sex, and he knows I am poz!

It's been terribly difficult for me to date again, I have not even disclosed to my best friend so how do I do so with someone that may share an attraction with? I refuse to have a sexual relationship with anyone until I know I can look them in the eyes and tell them. I have not been ready to date for years because I don't know how to trust anyone enough to share this with, I have just avoided looking people in the eyes for the most part. I think I shall end up alone for the rest of my life and if that is how my life plays out, I am ok, lonely yea, but ok. I have been blessed with my children, I have been blessed with good doctors, good medicine, good support with my finances and housing and all of this I am forever grateful and appreciate.

Okay--so what about sexual contact where intercourse is not on the menu?

rick

Oh yeah, I did return to the saunas a few times, mainly just to grab (and be grabbed) and suck a few guys. I didn't think it was necessary to disclose, I mean, how do you say "I'm HIV positive, mind if I lick your balls?" in a darkroom?

Sex for sport is something I never really made sense to me. I can see how it would appeal to other people but its just not me. I think it might be the same for most women or at least women my age and older.

thank you all for participating. it looks like we have reached a consensus. so, the results indicate that most of us believe it is our responsibility more than theirs to initiate the conversation. interesting.

the largest single group of respondents felt the responsibility belonged to both parties equally. the aggregate of voters for somewhat ours and completely ours has outnumbered this group. this, in my opinion, indicates we believe in many things, all of which align nicely with my core beliefs (that we should prevent transmission by open discussion, people should be allowed to make informed decisions - they need to inquire about the health statuses of those they are playing with, and ultimately it us up to each individual to protect their own best interests, albeit with some help from informed people like ourselves).

personally, i am happy with the results. thank you all again for participating, enjoy your 4th of july.

thank you all for participating. it looks like we have reached a consensus. so, the results indicate that most of us believe it is our responsibility more than theirs to initiate the conversation. interesting.

I don't see a consensus in those numbers which at best reflect how the participants in your poll voted.

well the heteros win out on the one about hey, I'm HIV positive, can I lick your balls, ha! Or maybe I'm just an odd bird with that one, no guy has even blinked at that one! I have not even been in this a year and I have to say there seem to be a lot of assumptions about what people know, etc. For example, I was told by my MD that I had tested negative to everything when a partner in Feb 07 removed the condom without my consent and I did not know til the next day. Come to find out that she did not run an HIV test...talk about her ignorance and me assuming. Anyhow, the bottom line is for me that there are TONNNNNNNNSSSSS of straight men who are more than willing to take risks when they assume about a woman's serostatus and other status based on how the person "looks," etc. the bottom line for me is that I will not have unprotected sex again ever, so then if I do decide to be monogamous we can work it out. thankfully neither of the men I was with between Feb -Dec 07 and did not use protection with (2) have tested positive so that was a big relief. however, I can say that if I am just on a hook up then I do not feel obliged to disclose, I mean if only first names are being used then it seems ridiculous to say anything more. Risk is risk. I also insure that condoms are used and bring my own. So I agree with many of the opinions here, if I am interested In a relationship potentially I disclose, for random acts of fucking, then most likely not. thanks, z

LOL I guess that would be one of the reasons why I might have a different opinion. I don't have sex recreationally with anyone. Sex for me is generally a relationship thing. I've had sex with men I wound up not seeing permanently but the intent was to be with them. Sex for me is a act of bonding.

Anyhow, the bottom line is for me that there are TONNNNNNNNSSSSS of straight men who are more than willing to take risks when they assume about a woman's serostatus and other status based on how the person "looks," etc.

Actually on this point, let's not forget that the overwhelming majority of hetero porn is in fact bareback, and let's not kid ourselves that the majority of hetero men (just like the majority of gay men) get their images of what sex is suppose to be like from porn.

okay, so two of my neggie friends & i have had the debate. they believe it is my responsibility to disclose to my partners prior to sex. i believe that it is both parties' responsibilities to ensure their own safety. now, most of my poz friends have an each person for themselves policy. please, tell me how you feel. i believe in disclosing early so im kinda on the somewhat my responsibility side. i also don't like my categories but bear with me.

past the poll, this is open for debate. i don't believe in disclosing all the time. also, would love to know your reasoning.

best, d

I personally choose to disclose, if I'm rejected for sex due to this, then SO WHAT! after 20yrs. I'm kinda used to it by now, so, it's no biggie, I have learned to take rejection VERY WELL, being almost 52 yr. old and POZ+

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974