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November 7, 2010

Fatal Attraction

Andy walked me to my car. He slowly leaned in to give me a hug goodbye. As I pulled away to leave, he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. He kissed me. His lips were soft and moist. His arms were strong and powerful as he held me close. My heart started to race. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. Finally! Like in a romance novel I had a throbbing member. He looked at me and just smiled. No words were needed. The smile alone told me everything I needed to know. Beep, BEep, BEEP! My alarm goes off and It was all just a dream. Hello morning wood!

I look over at my phone and realized I had a text message from Andy. It read, "You haven't talked to me in 4 days!" He was right I hadn't talked to him in days. I was trying to distance myself from him a little bit. I texted him back and said, "Sorry boo, I've had a really bad week." He responded, "Awe I'm sorry. I'll see you tonight at Candida's. I miss you and can't wait for you to meet Brian. I'm kinda dating him now." My stomach was aching like there was an alien in there trying to rip it's way out. Maybe I got anal probed while I slept last night. I messaged Andy back, "Oh cool can't wait." (FML)

So what do I do? Here we go again. History is repeating itself. Do I tell Andy I want to ride his Syrian sausage until he's puffing out nothing but air? Do I tell him I want to have his Syrian babies? (if I could!) Their names would be Aladdin, Jasmine, Camel, and Turban. My friend David offered his two cents (I swear he is Yoda!) You have two choices lovey. Either tell him what's up and move on, or break away for a bit because either way you are going to end up with a broken heart. Just do it on your terms! I know it's hard, but then you wouldn't be having the lingering "what if" crap to deal with. He doesn't deserve you if he can't see you and all the love you have for him." What David said is right. I know that.

That evening Kevin, Bobby and I met Andy and Brian out. Unlike Hick, Brian actually is attractive. There goes my self esteem. I might as well just get some cats and call it a day. Bobby said he had a little dirt on Brian. Apparently Brian threw a sex Halloween party a few weeks ago. I remember Andy telling me about it, but he didn't go to the party he was with me. Andy didn't want to put himself in that situation, it's not his scene. I can't for the life of me know why he'd go out with Brian when Andy willingly knows about Brian's extracurricular activities. I know Andy can be naive, but is he really that naive?

Andy had told me that his stalker was probably going to show up. Apparently this guy just shows up wherever Andy is. Can we say creepy? Mr. Stalker walks in and Andy points him out to us. Right away I was like wow he is hot. Andy introduces all of us to Stalker and I was confused. Like hello! You aren't suppose to acknowledge a stalker, you aren't suppose to introduce him to your friends, you aren't suppose to hang out with him, and you aren't suppose to take pictures with him either. Apparently Andy's idea of a stalker is completely different from mine. He told me Stalker is psycho, but yet continues to acknowledge him. It's all fun and games till you end up with a bunny boiling over on your stove. I look over at Bobby and realize he's trying to chat with Mr. Stalker. Drunk Bobby continued to work him for like an hour with no success. Then Kevin walks up to Stalker and it's all over. He gets sucked into Kevin's gravitational pull within 15 minutes. Kevin is the shit and Stalker is the fly.

The next night Kevin, Bobby and I headed out to the Stonewall. We had an extra hour of drinking. Can you say shots? Andy showed up and of course Stalker did too. In fact when Stalker came in he was headed upstairs until Andy went chasing after him. Like hello! What is wrong with this picture? You don't go chasing after your stalker to tell him where you are! I was chatting with Stalker for a bit. (I kept petting him like a dog because his hair was buzzed and so soft) He seemed really nice but then again most serial killers are nice in the beginning until they hack you up into little pieces. He bought Kevin and I drinks, (the quickest way to my heart) I watched him to make sure he didn't give us roofies. I probably wouldn't mind the roofie though. Kevin and I even exchanged phone numbers with him. I know I know probably a bad idea cause he's stalking Andy, but like I said he's hot! Haha. Later he ended up texting me saying that Kevin and I are now his boys. Ut-OH!

The next morning Kevin and I awoke to text messages on our phones from Stalker saying, "What you guys getting into today? Interested in going to KIng Of Prussia with me?" Kevin had to go work and then Stalker messaged me again asking if I just wanted to go. I'll admit I thought about it, but I was kind of anxious to be alone with him. He probably has bunnies hanging from his ceiling and Barbie heads all over his floor. I've had my fair share of stalkers. One used to send me gay porn in the mail (I had no idea who he was) and another one was my ex boss. He went crazy and used to call my house and hang up or call my cell all the time. He even used to drive by my house to see if I was there. It got pretty scary.

After Kevin left, Stalker continued to text me. He complained about how Andy was ignoring him last night and he doesn't understand why he doesn't like him. Then I get text messages from Andy complaining about Stalker! How do I get myself into these situations? Andy actually sent me their conversation feed and it turns out Stalker may be hot and nice, but he's seriously crazy! One minute he's telling Andy he doesn't think they should be friends and in the next, he's saying how beautiful his smile is. He went on and on about Andy's smile. I texted Andy back and said "It's like he wants to pull all your teeth out and put them in a jar next to his bed!" It truly is "Fatal Attraction."