Sunday Spoof – Sale of Certain Sex Toys to Become Illegal in Tennessee

The Capitol and Legislative Plaza is abuzz with discussion about a bill introduced in the Tennessee would ban the sale of dildos effective July 1, 2006. The legislation passed first reading on February 27, 2006 and will now work its way through the committee system.

The bill would make it illegal to sell, advertise, publish or exhibit to another person “any three- dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.”

Certain exceptions will be built into the proposed law. If you are a college student or faculty member you can have a dildo if they are “teaching or pursuing a course of study related to such device.” Use of the device can be prescribed by a doctor or psychologist “in the course of medical or psychological treatment or care.” And, the devices may be available in historical societies, libraries and museums.

The bill has drawn interest from an unusual number of special interest groups. Those opposed to the bill include the following:

(a) National Association of “AA” Battery Manufacturers.

(b) National Association of “D” Battery Manufacturers.

(c) National Association of Produce Wholesalers and Retailers.

(d) American Civil Liberties Union.

(e) Romance Novel Writers and Publishers Association.

(f) Tennessee Candle Sellers Group.

(g) American Association of Traveling Husbands.

(h) The writers of HBO’s “Real Sex” series.

(i) The “Sex in the City” Fan Club, Nashville Chapter.

Only two groups have announced support for the bill. One is the Sexual Device Manufacturers Consortium. Its spokesman said this: “We believe that this legislation will triple the price of our product. Is there anyway we can get the Congress to pass a similar bill?” The other group is the National Association of Chain Drug Stores. (In what it said was an unrelated development, Walgreen’s has announced that it is adding 500 square feet to every pharmacy in the state. The additions will be complete by June 30, 2006.)

The opponents of the legislation have created a political action committee called “VibraPACor.” Political contributions will be made to legislators and candidates based on a numerical scale, “4”, “3” “2”, and “Rock Your World.” Contributions to VibraPACor will be accepted from the general public via phone at 1 (800) VIBRATE. The organization’s website is www.keepdildossafeandlegal.com.

Several amendments are floating around Capitol Hill. One amendment would make dildo possession a misdemeanor. Recognizing that this could overburden our criminal justice system, the amendment includes a “Dildo Amnesty Day” each April 1. On that date each year, people would be permitted to take dildos to various collections points around the state and not fear criminal prosecution. The amendment has a $5,000,000 fiscal note for landfill disposal fees.

Another amendment would permit the sale of dildos, but only within a certain yet-to-be negotiated size range. One sponsor of this amendment, who refused to be identified, said the dildos outside the range should be outlawed because they are either “ineffective, dangerous, or just plain nasty.”

But perhaps the most surprising and vocal opponent to the legislation is the National Rifle Association. Its President issued the following statement: “If enacted into law, this bill would permit some over-zealous liberal prosecutor to jail some of our loyal members for possessing a gun. You know how some of our folks feel about their guns, and guns are three-dimensional devices. This bill is a thinly-veiled attempt to limit Second Amendment rights. If dildos are outlawed, only outlaws will have dildos.”

This Sunday Spoof represents a breach of trust in my role as a blogger. Sunday Spoofs are supposed to be pure fiction, but the first three paragraphs of this Spoof are absolutely true. Senate Bill 3974 has in fact been introduced into the General Assembly but, unfortunately, it has not yet been posted on the Internet. You can read the Nashville Scene’s take on the bill here. You can read Senate Bill 3794 for yourself by going to this site (the bill should be available any day now).

I am embarrassed to say that I lack the imagination to concoct legislation on this subject. Or perhaps I’m not.