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In Praise of Roughhousing

By Lisa Belkin June 14, 2011 3:30 amJune 14, 2011 3:30 am

Go ahead. Throw your children around. It’s good for them, say Anthony T. DeBenedet and Lawrence J. Cohen, the authors of “The Art of Roughhousing: Good Old-Fashioned Horseplay and Why Every Kid Needs It.” You can trust them, because they are doctors. Well, DeBenedet is an M.D., while Cohen has a Ph.D. And in the days before Father’s Day they chatted with me by e-mail about exactly how “rough” the horseplay should get.

Q.

What do you mean by “roughhousing”?

A.

People know roughhousing when they see it — rough-and-tumble play, pillow fights, wrestling, running around, rolling around. But there is another side of roughhousing that most people don’t think of immediately: tumbling moves, flips, throws, imaginative games, running up walls, jumping off roofs, rafting down stairs on a mattress — that kind of wild stuff. Rowdy, physical, interactive play is the essence of all forms of roughhousing.

Q.

This is a dad thing, right?

A.

Roughhousing is indeed more common among dads than moms, and seems to come more naturally for many dads than for many moms. We see physically active play as a natural strength of dads, and a preferred way of bonding for many of them. Roughhousing does not come naturally for every dad, however. Some are overly competitive with their children, some had bad experiences as children, and others “swoop in” and toss perfectly content calm children into the air. We also hear from moms every day who roughhouse regularly — and love it. But others are skeptical, and we aim to help those moms see the benefits for dad and child to roughhouse together.

We believe that real safety comes from knowledge, not from rules and saying “No!” all the time. Saying no just leads kids to roughhouse recklessly when we’re not around, which is much more dangerous. Knowledgeable roughhousers know how to lift and twirl, land and roll, and catch and suspend. The “rough” in roughhousing refers not to danger, but to the unleashing of the creative life force, which is joyful and exuberant. There will be some scrapes and bruises along the way, but we’d rather see a few of those than to see children timid and fearful or sitting like lumps staring vacantly at screens. In short, the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Q.

There are benefits? Like what?

A.

Physical fitness is an obvious benefit of roughhousing. A less obvious — but more important — benefit of roughhousing is the way it helps dads and children tune in to each other. When a father and child work together to master a complicated flip like the Houdini or the Red Tornado, they both gain a sense of accomplishment from paying close attention to each other’s emotions and cues. The result is a feeling of closeness that benefits both father and child. Roughhousing also promotes intelligence, which might seem surprising, but studies of rough-and-tumble play have found that children who do it more at home get better grades — and make better friends — than those who don’t. The positive impact on friendship is part of the emotional intelligence benefit, which also includes developing a “dimmer switch” on emotions that comes from revving up and calming down during roughhousing play. Another gift of roughhousing flows from its emphasis on loving physical contact, which both boys and girls need to get from their fathers. Boys especially need to learn that there is more to physical contact than sex and violence, while girls especially need to develop a sense of inner strength and physical confidence. In roughhousing, fathers and children get the endorphin rush of athletics as well as the oxytocin rush of a good hug (oxytocin is often called the “cuddle chemical”; it is released during roughhousing as well as when a child is comforted or a mother is nursing.) Another benefit is a strong ethical and moral sense that is taught by Dad when he holds back his superior strength and lets his child win a wrestling match. In addition, fears that roughhousing will lead to aggression are completely unfounded. Children who roughhouse at home are less violent, presumably because they feel a strong connection with their fathers and because they learn the difference between healthy roughhousing and aggression. But forget all that! The real benefit of roughhousing is the joy and love that it brings to families.

Q.

Your book actually teaches the “art” of roughhousing. What kinds of moves do you include?

A.

We describe over 70 roughhousing moves, games and activities in the book. Each move comes with a suggested age range and difficulty level. Our creative inspiration for the moves came from many different avenues including sports, martial arts, gymnastics, dancing, yoga and Parkour. They are organized into categories such as flight (Flying Fox, where dad becomes a human zipline for his kid), games (like Chariot Race, where you knock each other over while racing around a makeshift Coliseum), contact (like the Houdini, where the parent is lying down and the child does a sort of backward somersault or flip over him), imagination (Mattress Staircase rafting) and extreme (the Peter Parker — running up a wall).

Q.

Why do we need roughhousing manuals and workshops, doesn’t it come naturally?

A.

Everyone knows how to pillow fight, of course, but even the most seasoned roughhousers love to learn new moves and share their own family favorites. We also teach things that aren’t so intuitive, such as self-handicapping, reversing the roles, and maintaining good connection and eye contact. Some people, whom we call reluctant roughhousers, will be pleased to learn that there are ways to keep it safe for everyone.

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We're all living the family dynamic, as parents, as children, as siblings, uncles and aunts. At Motherlode, lead writer and editor KJ Dell’Antonia invites contributors and commenters to explore how our families affect our lives, and how the news affects our families—and all families. Join us to talk about education, child care, mealtime, sports, technology, the work-family balance and much more