Ask Irma Kurtz: Boss Issues

Q: My boss says she’s grooming me for “bigger things,” but I want to get pregnant soon and be a stay-at-home mom. Do I tell her?

A: Never burn bridges, certainly not until your feet are planted on the other side! Deciding to have a baby does not mean you’ll conceive immediately. Once you do, wait until you are three months pregnant before you discuss any postbaby plans with your boss. (Do it sooner, however, if she’s mentioned a specific position she intends to offer you; you don’t want to mislead her.) Meanwhile, gobble up your on-the-job education. Even if you stay home once you have a child, you may want to return to work one day, and the experience you’re getting now will help you then. Don’t feel guilty; as long as you’re working hard, your boss is getting a return on her investment.

Q: For the past six months, I’ve had zero interest in sex with my fiance. Any advice?

A: The brain is a primary sex organ, especially for women. But you have to be able to set it into sexy gear. If you are juggling too much at work, home or school, you may be too tired and stressed for sexy thoughts. Getting sleep and taking a little time for yourself every day—or talking to a therapist—could rev up your desire. But perhaps your problem is that sex has become boring. That’s a common issue in long-term relationships, and it changes only if both partners make an effort to spice things up. How about proposing a change of venue, like a hotel room or the backseat of your car? If you can’t even bring yourself to shake up your sex life, then perhaps turning off desire could be your way of turning away from him. In which case, some other problem—your communication styles, your family life, even your finances—is the underlying cause of this sexual chill. Figure out what it is and deal with it honestly, before your wedding day.

Q: I have a thin friend who always complains that she’s fat,
but I’m three sizes bigger! It’s really bugging me. What can I say to her?

A: Society judges women so harshly on their weight, but sometimes we’re hardest on ourselves. When your thin friend looks in the mirror, she no longer sees her true image; she is blinded by her prejudice against flesh, even her own. Tell her outright she’s wrong about her weight, and if she continues to deny her ultra-slimness, warn her that a distorted self-image can lead to dangerous eating disorders. Speak calmly, with justifiable concern for her, not yourself; you have a healthy view of your own body and shouldn’t let anyone mess with that. If she can’t gain some perspective and rein in the “I’m so fat” comments, just tell her you’d rather not discuss weight with her, ever, and move on to subjects that are actually interesting!

Q: I’ve saved photos from every stage of life, but my boyfriend doesn’t like that I have pics of my exes. He wants me to throw them away—should I?

A: Your boyfriend obviously feels threatened; he may think he’s inadequate, compared to other men you’ve dated. As a concession, stash the pics out of sight, but don’t toss them. Nobody can, or should, throw away memories on command.