Sunday, January 25, 2009

Endure

That's the word that comes to mind today as I experience another episode similar to what I did on Tuesday.

I can't find words to describe it. It's like I have all the signs of being on the verge of a panic attack only I feel very removed and far away from everything. Add in a little nausea.

I would like to be able to find the words to describe this experience but my brain feels far away. I feel almost outside my body and can't find anyway to feel grounded.

I have a general sense of feeling unwell.

The only thing I can do is endure this experience and trust it will pass.

Yesterday I spoke to someone who is doing their dissertation on CFIDS. He attended the same school I did in the same program. There was one point where I was described what it was like to give up my practice and I could barely contain my tears. This deep sense of sadness welled up in me. I'm glad to participate in the study but I have to admit it was painful to be talking to someone just embarking on the dissertation journey as full of hope and promise that I was a few years ago.

I'm trying my hardest to endure this journey. I don't like it one bit though. Hopefully it will pay off.

1 comment:

I'm glad you write about the weird symptoms. I sometimes wonder if I'm going nuts or is it just another strange symptom of CFIDS. This illness breaks the legs we stand on. I go back and forth between accepting that I may have to find a new way of existence and wanting my old career life back. I don't know how much longer I can take being in this house day after day just watching everyone else live and plan and laugh and smile. I used to be somewhat functional with this and now I am not. That's what's so frustrating is that I keep asking "what did I do to make myself worse". I guess there aren't always answers. I hope our "endurance" pays off..

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About Me

I first became ill in July of 2007. Or at least that's when I started having symptoms that I couldn’t explain away with being too busy, too stressed, not eating enough, not getting enough rest, etc.
In August I passed out while eating in a restaurant. In September I remember climbing some stairs while visiting a museum in SF and feeling a sense of profound fatigue. As I climbed the stairs I thought to myself "it's as if my cells aren't getting enough oxygen"and for a minute worried I might have some sort of leukemia. During lunch I literally had to put my head down to sleep.
By the end of December of 2007 I was housebound due to dizziness, fatigue, cognitive impairment and a myriad of other symptoms.
I'd completed my dissertation in 2006 and awarded my PhD in Jan 07. I'd always been active, athletic, driven.
Imagine my surprise when this all happened. It's been a life changer.
This illness is not for the faint of heart. 20% of people with cfids commit suicide. It's a fact. The illness is that devastating. I used to believe that cancer was the worst thing one could have. I no longer believe that.
Luckily I plan on getting as well as I can with the right help