How to Listen to Your Teens ~ When you are using active listening
effectively, you’ll learn more about your children and help them learn to solve
their own problems.

Listening
and Empathy Responding ~ We all know what it means to listen, to really
listen. It is more than hearing the words, it is truly understanding and
accepting the other person's message and also his/her situation and feelings.

Put
Yourself in Someone Else's Shoes ~ Listening only to obtain information and
form opinions means missing much of what the speaker is saying -- the emotions
and intensity that make up real communication.

Red
Flags ~ When teens need help, they have ways of letting us know. Unfortunately, they often don't ask for help with words, but with dangerous or self-destructive behavior.

Three
Resolutions ~ Stephen Covey tells us we need reinforcing
relationships, people, and programs to help us be accountable and
responsible.

Do Listening Skills Affect
Learning?

Listening
is not a school subject like reading and writing. Many of us seem to feel
it comes naturally and that as long as we can listen to directions on how
to find the restroom, nothing more needs to be said. The latest studies
reveal that listening is a very large part of school learning and is one
of our primary means of interacting with other people on a personal basis.
It is estimated that between 50 and 75 percent of students' classroom time
is spent listening to the teacher, to other students, or to audio media.

Can Parents Guide Their
Children To Better Listening?

According
to research on listening skills, being a good listener means focusing
attention on the message and reviewing the important information. Parents
can model good listening behavior for their children and advise them on
ways to listen as an active learner, pick out highlights of a
conversation, and ask relevant questions. Sometimes it helps to
"show" children that an active listener is one who looks the
speaker in the eye and is willing to turn the television off to make sure
that the listener is not distracted by outside interference.

Guidelines
For Modeling Good Listening Skills

Be
interested and attentive. Children can tell whether they have
a parent's interest and attention by the way the parent replies or
does not reply. Forget about the telephone and other distractions.
Maintain eye contact to show that you really are with the child.

Encourage
talking. Some children need an invitation to start talking.
Children are more likely to share their ideas and feelings when others
think them important.

Listen
patiently. People think faster than they speak.
Children often take longer than
adults to find the right word. Listen as though you have plenty of
time.

Hear
children out. Avoid cutting children off before they have
finished speaking. It is easy to form an opinion or reject children's
views before they finish what they have to say. It may be difficult to
listen respectfully and not correct misconceptions, but respect their
right to have and express their opinions.

Listen
to nonverbal messages. Many messages children send are
communicated nonverbally by their tone of voice, their facial
expressions, their energy level, their posture, or changes in their
behavior patterns. You can often tell more from the way a child says
something than from what is said. When a child comes in obviously
upset, be sure to find a quiet time then or sometime later.

Suggestions
For Improving Communication With Children

Avoid
dead-end questions. Ask children the kinds of questions that
will extend interaction rather than cut it off. Questions that require
a yes or no or right answer lead a conversation to a dead end. Questions that ask children to describe, explain, or share ideas
extend the conversation.

Extend
conversation. Try to pick up a piece of your child's
conversation. Respond to his or her statements by asking a question
that restates or uses some of the same words your child used. When you
use children's own phrasing or terms, you strengthen their confidence
in their conversational and verbal skills and reassure them that their
ideas are being listened to and valued.

Share
your thoughts. Share what you are thinking with your child.
For instance, if you are puzzling over how to rearrange your
furniture, get your child involved with questions such as, "I'm
not sure where to put this shelf. Where do you think would be a good
place?"

Observe
signs. Watch the child for signs that it is time to end a
conversation. When a child begins to stare into space, give silly
responses, or ask you to repeat several of your comments, it is
probably time to stop the exchange.

Reflect
feelings. One of the most important skills good listeners have
is the ability to put themselves in the shoes of others or empathize
with the speaker by attempting to understand his or her thoughts and
feelings. As a parent, try to mirror your children's feelings by
repeating them. You might reflect a child's feelings by commenting,
"It sounds as if you're angry at your math teacher." Restating or rephrasing what children have said is useful when they
are experiencing powerful emotions that they may not be fully aware
of.

Help
clarify and relate experiences. As you listen, try to make
your child's feelings clear by stating them in your own words. Your
wider vocabulary can help children express themselves as accurately
and clearly as possible and give them a deeper understanding of words
and inner thoughts.

Why Are Parents
Important In Building Children's Communication Skills?

Parents
play an essential role in building children's communication skills because
children spend more time with their parents than with any other adult.
Children also have a deeper involvement with their parents than with any
other adult, and the family as a unit has lifelong contact with its
members. Parents control many of the contacts a child has with society as
well as society's contacts with the child.

Adults, parents, and teachers set a
powerful example of good or poor communication. Communication skills are
influenced by the examples children see and hear. Parents and teachers who
listen to their children with interest, attention, and patience set a good
example.

The greatest audience children can have is an adult who is
important to them and interested in them.