Sunday, September 24, 2006

Okay, you want to know what I hate most about Christian merchandising? You know, besides the fact that 90% of it is hokey and only enlarges the massive divide between Christians and the unbelieving world? What I can't stand is that most the merchandise we produce, or, at the very least, most of the apparel, is just crappy knockoffs of stuff made by secular companies. Everytime I see someone wearing a shirt that looks like a Reese's peanut butter cup logo that says "Jesus", I want to choke them.

Now, I hate Abercrombie and Fitch as much as the next guy. But when I saw this, I was so ashamed, I think I passed out...I don't quite remember. Everything was pretty hazy.

Not only is this a knockoff, but it's a really stupid knockoff. Abreadcrumb & Fish? Apparently, the 5,000 that Jesus miraculously fed weren't all that hungry. If any non-Christians read this, I would love to hear your reactions to this piece, and others like it. I imagine it would be somewhere between stifled laughter and unbridled ridicule.

To be fair, I am not saying that I would never wear any sort of Christian apparel. I would just like to see something original. I want to see something that catches the eye with simplicity, and a succinct message. It could be subtle, perhaps a little ambiguous or clear; it doesn't really matter. I've come up with a Christian t-shirt that I would wear:

See? Simple, concise, and most importantly not a knockoff! The message would be clear to some, and slightly ambiguous and, hopefully, intriguing to others. Come on, people! We're supposed to be children of God, who created us, the most complex, original beings in the Universe. Why, then, does it seem like some Christians don't have a uniquely creative bone in their whole body?

As a "non-believer" -- read that as Atheist, so much more honest and less ambiguous than "non-believer" -- I have to say I fall in the *snort and giggle* "wow do these people really take themselves that seriously?" crowd. I've read the Bible. There are passages and thoughts that uplift the spirit and quite a bit of food for thought is contained within those pages. I'd just like to know why every Christian kitsch producing company needs to take the bits and pieces from the Bible that talk about how great the singular person serving/being faithful/owning said piece of kitsch is. "I believe in Jesus, therefore I am superior" is all that I see glaring at me from the scary Jesus posters. Really, this should be the message written on all kitsch. The pure honesty would be refreshing, and such honesty isn't sending the subliminal message: "And even if you do the proper thing and convert today, I'll still be superior to you, because I came first" -- 'cause we all know how important coming first was for Esau and Jacob. Or even earlier, Cain and Able.

I'm glad when people have faith when I have none -- but most Kitschy Christians come off worse than most of the fire and brimstone atheists who I try to avoid meeting in the parking lot, because they are just so embarrassing. If Kitsch is needed in your life then let it be as tasteful as possible. A single plaque or one throw pillow -- and no more saccharine, deranged (possibly demented), nubile, female angel statuettes, please.

Who Is This Guy?

Kitsch

A derogatory term used to describe works created specifically in order to pander to public demand. In this case, Christian demand for cutesy knick-knacks and other pseudo-spiritual items. I feel like the word 'kitschy' could describe a lot of the contemporary Christian church. We're converting the world, one t-shirt at a time.