Roomie (week one after he begins "cooking healthy"): Hey man, you seen the big metal bowl?
Me (morbidly curious): Check the dishwasher. What're you making?
Roomie: Mashed potatoes.
Me: Really? That's actually almost cooking.
Roomie: Nah man, it's just powdered mix. All I do is add water and heat it up in the microwave.
Me: Oh... Well, don't use the metal bowl. You can't put metal in the microwave, it causes sparks and ****, it's a fire hazard. Use one of the 8000 other bowls we have. (Returns to homework)
~10 minutes later~
(Smoke alarm goes off)
Roomie: Dude, I don't know what happened... I did everything I was supposed to do and it caught fire.
Me: Used the metal bowl, didn't you?
Roomie: Yeah.
Me: What was the one thing I said not to do?
Roomie: Oh yeah... my bad.

Other great room-mate quotes:
"Dude, how do you use the can-opener?"
"Is this cheese vegan?"
Looking at moldy bread: "That's basically penicillin, right?" Proceeds to toast bread.
"Of course babe, we're totally ready to have kids"