WARNING: Vague, glossed-over reference to domestic abuse. Again with this shit.

Shadow Kill count: 5

Nickname chart:

Edgelord: Jayden Warney/Shadow

Generic Female Unit #1: Alexandra ???/Breeze

The Other Jason: Jason ???/Dusk

Sam Motherfuckin’ Jackson: Sam Jackson/Gauntlet

Jean Grey: Blaze Zephyr/Phoenix

Comrade Communist: Marcas Valitov/Red Crosshairs

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, GoodJamags, and we’re back for more of the Edgy Warriors, the edgefic with so much edge that it cut itself and started bleeding all over the place, because blood is edgy.

Chapter 4: The War Machine and The Lone Warrior

And we’ve already got more edge than the average longsword.

Authors Note: Thank you again everyone for your reviews. It isn’t just me that makes this story its everyone of you. So thank you Tonycakes, DigitalEmperor001, AgedZen-01, The Illusive Mann, Spartan S-999, Newcomer, Zombie D-Mann, Daniel Wilks and JedieMasterChris1. You all rock.

Please stop listing names.

Okay two more for ya let’s get started.

Two more characters? This team already has five, so this will get out of hand very quickly.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Batman just my oc’s the rest go to their respective owners.

Oh, for the love of- Even if that did do any good, you don’t need to put it at the top of every chapter! And ooh, line break!

Muffled Voice: I hope you choke on it!

You’re just jealous because you don’t have a line break.

The group of heroes stood in their in their penthouse

*Alarms blare*

*Slow clap*

Typo in the first sentence. Nice job. Just like those DRD agents were electrocuted by a trap in the first doorway.

standing watch over Phoenix who was currently unconscious.

The Other Jason: So… should we get him medical attention?

Edgelord:No! Hospitals let my parents and my aunt and my brother die! I have sworn revenge on them by becoming the ultimate hospital to take them down!

Jason was lounging on the couch while Jayden and Sam stood ready for when he awoke. Ally was sitting on a recliner bored and worried out of her mind

How is she bored and worried? I feel like the worry would stave off the boredom.

when she saw her Russian friend leaning against the wall. She got up and walked over to him as he remained stiff as a board.

Comrade Communist is planking?

“Hey, are you alright?” She asked.

“Da.” He replied. (Yes)

Hey, have I mentioned that this guy is Russian? Because he totally is.

Comrade Communist: Vhat eef I am actually Georgian?

Please. This author probably doesn’t even know that Georgia’s a country.

Comrade Communist: Neizer does Russia, most of ze time.

Touché.

“Um…by the way what’s your name,” She asked cautiously. “I’m Ally, the boy over there is Jason, the guy with the gauntlets is Sam and the guy wearing black is my boyfriend Jayden.”

Generic Female Unit #1: It is important to establish my relationship to the male authority figure.

“My name is Marcas Valitov,” He replied. “Codename Red Crosshairs.”

It’s not any less stupid the second time we hear it. So he’s still Comrade Communist.

“That’s a nice name,” She said sweetly.

You’ve got a funny way of saying “bullcrap.”

“Wait, Valitov wasn’t he a general for the Russian army?”

As far as my spell check is concerned, he wasn’t anything. Besides, how would she know anything about this random Russian general?

“Da, I’m surprised someone as young as you knows.” He said in a slightly amazed tone. “When I was young Russia was changing thanks to the fall of communism.

So the author knows about the fall of the Soviet Union, but doesn’t know that they changed their flag?

My father tried his best to move with the changes but times were still hard on him. The also got worse when my mother was murdered by one of our Politian’s in hit and run accident.

That second sentence is physically painful to read, and contradicts itself about five times.

1: Was it a murder, a hit-and-run, or an accident? I suppose the first two fit, but they wouldn’t be an accident, unless it was an “accident.”

2: I looked up “Politian” and the only reference to the term I can find is the title of Edgar Allen Poe’s only play.

3: The grammar is atrocious.

Though it was no accident he murdered her to weaken my father which he did.

So it was an “accident.” That’s still no excuse to contradict yourself.

When my mother died my father died, he started drinking and beating me to the point where I thought he would kill me. I was four at the time.”

They had injected me with some sort of chemicals and for half of my life tortured me in ways that ensured I would never be normal again.

Comrade Communist: They turned me into… a fanfic writer!

They trained me, experimented on me and reeducated me by strapping me to chair and holding eyes open with metal hooks.

Somebody saw A Clockwork Orange.

Which means either this author is older than I think he is, or someone showed that movie to a twelve-year-old.

Then your government came and shut down facility,

What the hell was the U.S. government doing shutting down a Russian facility?

but the man who ran the experiments Ivan Makrov

*Snerk*

No.

took me and the rest of his research to China where they continued to experiment on me. I was sixteen.”

“My god,” Ally gasped as everyone else had been listening. “Why did he do this, how could he do his?”

He did it to make a super soldier who can (*Snerk*) shoot bullets out of the air, and he did it by exploiting the natural forces of Trajedy.

“He was hoping to create the perfect weapon for Mother Russia and he got his weapon.” He said with a small hint of amusement. “In time I could shoot tiny shot glasses fifteen hundred miles away, I was as strong as three rhinos and my intelligence for the field was ninety nine percent accurate.

I’m going with no, no, and what do you even mean by that?

When Ivan got home he thought he would be hero instead the Kremlin had him arrested and executed for crimes against humanity.” He said with a twisted grin. “Afterwards, they had me sent to mental hospital but my vehicle got into a traffic accident in which everyone died.

Well that’s the most convenient and anticlimactic way to escape getting experimented on I’ve ever heard of.

One old lady I don’t know who, gave me ticket to Gotham and passports and sent me away. That was a few months ago ever since I have been living in tenements beating down purse snatchers and car thief’s.”

And no one noticed.

When he had finished no one in the room said a word. Jason and Ally both had tears rolling down their cheeks and Sam and Jayden didn’t know what to say.

It’s really not worth crying over.

“I feel your pain man.” An unfamiliar voice said.

Everyone looked to the middle of the room to see that Phoenix had awakened. Sam and Jayden immediately got to their feet as they approached the boy.

Hey, Jean? Can you try not to break reality this time?

“Hey, look who’s awake,” Jayden said sarcastically. “Now why don’t you explain what it was you thought you were doing tonight?”

Wow, that was a rapid change of mood

“I don’t have to explain shit to you!” He snapped.

No, I think they’re all very familiar with the concept. They are living in a story made of it.

“Yeah you do.” Jayden replied in a cocky tone. “Unless you don’t want your power taken away.”

And you would accomplish that how?

“What the hell are you talking about?” Phoenix grunted. “No one can take my power away!”

Really not a grunt. You can just say “said.”

“Actually I can,” Sam said.

Thank you.

“Believe it or not I am the Demigod of Fire I can absorb it, manipulate it and even create it. You on the other hand have fire power which was good from what I’ve seen but not great and it’s mostly a chemical product I sensing probably from the same shady bunch who did it to our new friend here.” He nodded his head over to Marcas. “So I can take it away…unless you play nice.”

Wait, so we’re immediately assuming that Jean Grey got experimented on by the same people as Comrade Communist?

Phoenix had remained silent as Jayden and Sam stood in front of him waiting for an answer. Phoenix let out a heavy sigh as he stared daggers into their eyes.

Well, that sounds painful.

“I was looking for someone.” He spat out bitterly.

By indiscriminately torching a random lab that was on the docks for no reason?

“Who?” Jayden asked.

Calm down, Edgelord. Presumably, he was getting to it.

“The person who did this to me.”

That really doesn’t help.

“You were made into weapon too?” Marcas asked.

Ah, I see. You do no article thing. In Soviet Russia, fic calls you racist!

“Duh.” Phoenix mocked causing Marcas to glare at him.

“It’s da little bird.” He replied coldly.

…

Huh?

“Whatever, the point is I saw the lab and was looking for the guy who did this to me. Okay!” He snapped.

So… he just kind of trashes any lab he runs into?

“Who did this to you?” Ally asked out of concern causing the boy to calm down a little.

Yes, it’s very important that she asked out of concern, because, as we all know, Female Units act only on Emotions™.

“Cole Damien,” He grumbled. “He was my parent’s boss. They were biochemist who met in college and both got jobs at the same company what company I don’t know but obviously not nice. The guy wanted a weapon for some kind for what I don’t know and as you can guess I wasn’t in any position to ask. So after he slaughtered my parents he started experimenting on me you know poking, prodding injecting unstable chemicals into my blood stream. After what seemed like an eternity he finally got his weapon but before he could put me under his boot permanently the feds broke in and chased him away. I soon broke away myself and ever since I’ve been looking for the son of a bitch.”

So basically, we’ve got two characters with literally the same clichéd backstory. Brilliant.

No one said a word as Phoenix just sat there in his restraints.

“What’s your real name?” Jayden asked.

“Why?” Phoenix snapped.

“Cause I asked.”

Superiority complex, much?

“Blaze Zephyr.” He grumbled.

No, it’s Jean Grey. Because Blaze Zephyr sounds stupid.

“Well Blaze Zephyr you now have a choice.” Jayden said. “Stay or go.”

Go. Now. Get out while you still can!

“Stay or go what are you talking about?” He asked confused at what he meant.

Dangit, Jean! People say vague things like that because they’re hoping you’ll ask what they mean! Make them offer the explanation to you!

“Well, you’ve come across a cross road in your life,” Jayden explained. “You can go and leave never to return only to go back to burning down random labs that in no way relate to this Damien Cole and live off pickpocketing and candy bars or, you can be a part of our team let my friend here,” Referring to Sam as he placed a hand on his shoulder. “Teach you how to use your powers properly and in exchange we help you find the man you’re looking for.” He finished as Blaze started at him with wide eyes.

*Pant* *Pant* *Pant* Slow down a little, would you?

Just then the alarms started going off as Jason rushed over to the computer.

“It’s another bank looks like Two-Face is making another move.” He said.

Two-Face robs banks two-at-a-time, because it’s kind of his thing, so you should’ve expected this.

“Looks like you’ll have time to think kid.” Jayden said as he tapped him on the shoulder.

“Gauntlet, Crosshairs you two are with me. Breeze and Dusk watch the kid.” Shadow ordered as he pulled on his mask. Dusk grunted as he walked over to Shadow.

Why does everybody keep grunting in this story?

“Why am I stuck watching the kid?” He asked.

“One, because I’m the leader

Edgelord: I’M the leader! It’s ME! You have to do what I say! Otherwise you’re a big fat meanie head and you’re a stupid bully!

and two because I trust you to hold down the fort and make sure he doesn’t burn the place down.” Shadow explained. Dusk let out a sigh but then nodded in understanding.

Does conflict ever last more than a line in this fic?

“Alright I get ya.” He mumbled as Shadow placed a hand on his shouler.

“Thanks brother.” He said before him and his team moved out.

Shadow and Gauntlet were riding on their motorcycles as Red Crosshairs rode in his Ferrari. Their current destination was another shipping yard only this one was owned by Bruce Wayne so what they were stealing was obviously something valuable.

You literally just said it was a bank. *Headdesk*

“You think he’ll join?” Gauntlet set in his earpiece.

“Who knows but we do have him shaken up enough.” Shadow said. “Thanks for playing along.”

Oh, so you’re manipulating him into joining. I’m just confused as to why you want these people.

“What are you two talking about?” Red asked.

You were there for the same conversation they were. Figure it out.

“Phoenix, we lied about taking his powers to see if he would join or at the very least stop killing innocent people.” Shadow said.

I mean, you could just hand him in to Batman or the authorities, but you hate them because you’re edgy and rebellious.

“Oh, so you can’t take away his power?” Red asked.

That’s the general idea. This guy is a little slow, isn’t he?

“No, at least I don’t think so,” Gauntlet chuckled. “Honestly I’ve never encountered someone who could control flames.”

Even though half the cast of this story can do it.

“Yes, but he was created you were given power by choice and destiny.” Red stated.

What does that have to do with anything?

“Yeah, it wasn’t right what they did to that kid.” Shadow said.

“Do you think they were trying to copy me?” Gauntlet asked.

Why would they even know about you? Fire’s a pretty basic power.

“It’s hard to say,” Shadow pondered. “Ever since the dawn of time man always wanted to control what couldn’t be or hold what couldn’t be touched. Fire is a perfect example for mad men with a god complex. It spreads wild and freely and no matter how hard you try you can’t hold it.”

Well, that’s one way of phrasing it. If you want to be pretentious. You could just say that a superpowered agent who can torch his enemies would be useful, though.

“But what exactly did they do to him?” Gauntlet asked.

They did vague science things.

“By the sound of it they spliced his DNA kind of like what I did to myself.” Shadow said.

Yep. Science.

“Yeah but you make it sound so easy.” Gauntlet snorted.

… No, he doesn’t.

“It wasn’t in fact if Breeze and Dusk weren’t there I would have died.” Shadow shot back.

For some reason which will probably not be explained.

“Do they have same power?” Red asked.

Turns out, we’re switching topics. I guess I must be psychic.

“No, I toned theirs down Breeze has super speed and Dusk has super strength they can’t contain electricity or fire ice out of their hands like me.” Shadow gloated.

That’s not a gloat. I mean, the attribution verbs here never match the tone of the dialogue, but that’s just an egregious one.

“How can you do that anyways?” Gauntlet asked.

Weren’t you paying attention? It’s vague science things!

“I told you at first the Adonis serum was supposed to just make me stronger but it did more than that. My body started to absorb electricity and I could fire it out willingly and as for the ice I stole a sample of Freezes blood.” Shadow explained.

I’m telling you man, psychic.

“Bit risky isn’t it?” Red asked.

“Yeah, but I was young and angry at the world if I could get power in any way I would take it.” Shadow said. “We’re almost to the storage yard stay sharp people.”

Wait, how is that different from how you are now?

They had entered the storage yard but mistook it for Hell do to all the bodies and fire scattered around. Shadow let out a disgruntled grunt as he and his friends dismounted their vehicles. Shadow drew his .44 magnum as Gauntlet pulled out his personal magnum as for Red he pulled out two desert eagles.

Why do these idiots all carry guns? Edgelord and Sam Motherfuckin’ Jackson have elemental powers! And why is Comrade Communist dual-wielding heavy and impractical Israeli pistols? Oh, and I wonder why they’re using Magnums.

Naw, that couldn’t be it.

They all carefully scouted the area being careful not to alert what did this.

As quickly as they could they rushed over to the broken body and recognized him as one of Two-Face’s men.

“Jesus, what happened?” Shadow asked.

Jesus: Well, let’s see, first, Dad created the planet…

Hmm… Maybe the Two-Face goon is of Latino descent, and Edgelord just recognizes him somehow.

“Ugh, w-we were sent here to pick up a freighter that held three robot suits or something.” He grunted in pain. “I don’t know they were designed for Luthor, anyways we had Bane with us to do the heavy lifting when one of the suits came on. It just started tearing everyone to pieces.” He whimpered. “The truck got away while we took the beating, Bane fought it off and I’ve been here ever since.”

That’s weirdly cooperative of a seriously-injured petty criminal. Jesus is a pretty chill guy, I guess.

“Where is it now?” Shadow asked but the man let out a bloody gargle as he slumped down onto the ground. “Hey hold on!”

He made it sound like he was there for a while, so that’s one conveniently-timed death.

“It’s too late he’s gone.” A robotic voice asked.

…

That is not a question. That is not remotely a question. That is not even close to being a question. There is no way of arranging those words that would make a question.

Everyone quickly aimed up at the direction of the voice to see a dark figure standing on the crate. He jumped down revealing himself to look like a modern day ninja. He wore a black suit with reinforced armor and a mask with a voice modulator and multiple pouches on his chest.

Oh, yeah, he sounds like an inconspicuous and stealthy hired assassin. From Japan. Also, even if his voice modulator was visible with the helmet, it wouldn’t be immediately recognizable as such.

“Geez, is this the guy he was talking about?” Gauntlet asked.

No, it’s just some other random cyber-ninja.

“I don’t know,” Shadow said. “Who are you?”

“I’m like you I have no name, no life and only one purpose.” He said with his voice modulator. “And to answer your friends question no I didn’t do this.”

No name: One goes by Jayden Warney, Shadow, or Edgelord. The other will most likely be named in short order.

No life: One leads the secondthird at best largest tech company in the world. The other is at the very least a living being with a purpose.

Only one purpose: One’s only purpose is to be edgy, and that’s probably the other’s only purpose as well, so I’ll give you this one.

Everyone remained silent as he slowly approached. ‘How the hell did he hear me from all the way over there?’ Gauntlet thought.

Well, it wasn’t specified that you were being quiet about it.

“I know who you are Shadow.” He snickered. “Or should I say Jayden?” Shadow’s eyes widened as he pulled back the hammer of his gun.

Why is he snickering? Is he not him when he’s hungry?

“How the hell do you know my name!” Shadow grunted.

Still. Not. A grunt.

“I guess you can say I’m a fan of yours.” He chuckled. “Listen, the thing you’re looking for is a cybernetic organism who can turn into a mechanical suit of armor. Trust me you’re gonna need all the help you can get to take him down.”

Why would this thing be created? It seems to me you’d either want the cyborg or the armor.

Shadow and his crew were hesitant at first but then decided against it when they started hearing massive explosions in the distance. Shadow holstered his gun and nodded towards him.

Wait so this thing is still rampaging and these idiots are sitting here chatting about it?

“Okay you can help,” Shadow said. “For now.”

“Boss, I’m going to get equipment from car,” Red said. “Be right back.”

What equipment? … Don’t answer that.

“Okay, and be quick.” Shadow said as he and Gauntlet went after what did this with the mysterious stranger running ahead. “By the way who are you?”

You already asked that.

“Like I said I have no name.” He said as he ran ahead Gauntlet and Shadow saw a kanji sign on his back.

Well, here we go. Your name is Weeaboo, by the way.

“What does that mean?” Gauntlet asked.

“It’s Japanese for Ronin.” Shadow said.

Because conveniently, Shadow can read Japanese.

The three crept around the corner being careful not to alert their enemy. They slowly moved towards the fighting as the noises got louder and louder. When they finally saw what bane was fighting they couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

I thought Bane already “fought it off.”

Fighting Bane was this cybernetic robot armor plated with a black paint job. Its head had a painted skull on it and was currently fighting Bane with an equal amount of strength.

Why do all the characters look the same? I mean, I know logically that they look different, but it’s basically all just mindless edge.

The two were locked hand and hand trying to overpower one another.

Bane is a trained martial artist. If brute force isn’t working, he’ll try something different. Or lecture incomprehensibly while being inexplicably skilled for being a non-augmented and singularly stupid terrorist. Depends on which version you’re dealing with.

“This is the end for you maquina!” Bane snarled as the robot remained silent.

Just then he flipped Bane over his shoulders and onto the ground. The robot then reached behind Bane and ripped off his venom tubes cutting him off from his strength.

Bane really didn’t use Venom for all that long.

The robot looked down at Bane for a moment probably admiring his work when he noticed Shadow and his crew standing and few short feet away. The machine scanned them on his helmet and recognized their weapons. Marking them as hostile the machine drew a massive broad sword from his back and a shield which also had a skull painted on it and took a battle stance.

Why would you give your giant robot a sword and shield? This story, man. People use guns when it’s unnecessary and use swords when a gun would make infinitely more sense.

“Well so much for talking.” Shadow sniped sarcastically before the robot attacked.

And that’s not really a snipe.

Its feet lit up like jet engines and the robot rushed right towards them. They all quickly dodged its massive blade as Shadow fired a few rounds from his magnum. The bullets obviously bounced off as it rushed over and brought its sword down again. Shadow dodged it again as Gauntlet moved in for an attack.

And so another thrilling action sequence begins. Snip some poorly-described and improbable fighting.

“Great job Gauntlet.” Shadow said as his veins glowed red. He pointed his hands up and fired two bolts of electricity at it but nothing was happening as it got up. “Huh, that’s strange usually I’m able to absorb mechs energy but this one isn’t running on electricity. In fact it feels different.”

Much like this story, the robot runs on the mythical energy of pure bullcrap. And… oh, for the love of god. SNIP!

He couldn’t see the rocket or the robot as they both disappeared into the night sky. Just then a small explosion appeared in the dark as something started to fall from the sky. In a matter of seconds the robot fell into the ground leaving a crater in the ground.

Shadow and Gauntlet slowly approached the crater and were shocked when they saw a teenage boy in the center. He looked not that much older than Blaze and had grey hair and pale skin.

OH GOD IT’S LAMB CHOP STU!

“What the hell?” Shadow gasped. “He’s just a kid?”

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Gauntlet said.

“Another freaking child experiment and judging from the hell he caused today he’s a bad one.” Shadow sighed. “What the hell is wrong with people?”

Yeah, this is a weirdly common and repetitive origin. Seriously, I’m getting real sick of these Subject 23 clones.

“Well, we taking him or what?” Gauntlet asked.

“Of course I’m not leaving the poor bastard to the cops.” Shadow said as he picked him up and carried him away. “Is Red okay?”

WHY?! WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE HIM TO THE COPS?! WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT THE REGULAR GOOD GUYS?! WHAT IS YOUR BEEF WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE?! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

*Pant* *Pant* *Pant*

Wow, I’m really not used to being all shouty.

“Yes,” Red groaned. “You see while I have my power activated my sight is strong but also very sensitive. A flash bang will leave me blind for twenty minutes before I can see again.”

That’s a dumb power.

“Are you okay to drive?” Shadow asked.

“Yeah, let’s go!” He said as they all drove away from the fiery wreckage of the storage yard.

It has so not been twenty minutes.

“Hey what happened to that Ronin guy?” Gauntlet asked.

“I don’t know he was gone when I got the kid out of the hole.” Shadow said.

“You think he was a friend?” Gauntlet asked.

“I don’t know,” Shadow said with a grin. “But I know he’s not an enemy.”

Armor: based on this- – with a black paint job on the armor and silver as a secondary color. His helm has a personal touch in the form of a skull painted on it and a skull on the shield.

Fanfiction must’ve eaten the link, but maybe you could come up with an original idea?

Powers/abilities: He holds an ability to shift into a prototype mechanical suit that was based on a mech toy that interested Thomasin his younger years. It gives him augumented strength and speed and the ability of flight. His arsenal includes a large broadsword, prototype laser rifle, shield, and two emergency combat knifes.

Right, I’m just going to call him I Am Not Iron Man and move on to this line break.

Oh and where’s his OMG DARK PAST?

AgedZen-01

Name/Alias – Ronin

Fun fact: Hawkeye once went by “Ronin” when he was in an especially edgy period.

Bio – Age 24, Height 5’9, Weight 165 (To make him agile, yet still hit like a raging bull)

Raging Bull? Honestly, that movie is kind of boring. I would’ve had him hit like a Goodfella or a Hugo.

* Taught in the Ryuken Ninjutsu fighting style, as well as self taught moves for a more unique flair.
* Has skill in free running and can perform near death escapes.
* Mini shurikens that eject from wrists; doubles as Stun, Flash, Rebound, & Mine variants (applied by reinforced touchguard.
* Hidden magnetic Grapnel line to reach high perches quickly
* Curved kunai ‘Scalers’ used to hide from enemies, climb/hang on sides of buildings for takedowns
* Multi Setting Lenses in mask has Heat, Night Vision and Sonar for varied situations
* Rumored that suit can amplify strength when emotionally distraught or angered.

Wardrobe – Reinforced suit w/ mask that set to clear setting (think Spider Man, but not the new movie one) w/ side pouches that contain distraction elements (smoke pellets, flashbangs), Ronin kanji on back of outfit between shoulder blades; glows when lenses are active

And you threw it away with costume porn. Bravo.

And there’s the end of the chapter. We actually covered it in one part! Well, we’ll just knock Chapter 5 out of the way before doing something else.

That’s one of the things I liked about Justice League and Justice League Unlimited; they started bringing in additional characters (especially in JLU) instead of relying on just the original members to carry the series, and exposed some of the lesser-known characters to a broader audience while also exploring some different facets of all of the characters. (The series also made me ship Wonder Woman and Batman together so very, very hard.)

So, admittedly, this is the first installation of this riff that I’m reading (I, uh… I forgot Thursday riffs were a thing), and, I mean, I’ll admit, it’s pretty hard to make a superhero name that doesn’t illicit giggles from either pure edginess or pure stupidity, but… wow.

* Taught in the Ryuken Ninjutsu fighting style, as well as self taught moves for a more unique flair.
* Has skill in free running and can perform near death escapes.
* Mini shurikens that eject from wrists; doubles as Stun, Flash, Rebound, & Mine variants (applied by reinforced touchguard.
* Hidden magnetic Grapnel line to reach high perches quickly
* Curved kunai ‘Scalers’ used to hide from enemies, climb/hang on sides of buildings for takedowns
* Multi Setting Lenses in mask has Heat, Night Vision and Sonar for varied situations
* Rumored that suit can amplify strength when emotionally distraught or angered.

Contacts: “And he can walk on water, and he can shoot lasers from his nose, and he can eat fireballs, and he can summon flying golden lions, and-” thpbpbpbpbpbpb!

Specs: You can move through shadows at the speed of sound, and I have an entire arsenal of sharp, pointy objects in my head, and somehow, this guy still manages to be more stupid than us.

Contacts: It’s like he took a Masters course in Overcompensation at the University of Tryhard.

Wardrobe – Reinforced suit w/ mask that set to clear setting (think Spider Man, but not the new movie one) w/ side pouches that contain distraction elements (smoke pellets, flashbangs), Ronin kanji on back of outfit between shoulder blades; glows when lenses are active

Shades: And here, I thought Sports Shades wore lame clothes.

Sports Shades: You just think they’re lame because I’m the only one who can make them look good.

Powers/abilities: He holds an ability to shift into a prototype mechanical suit that was based on a mech toy that interested Thomasin his younger years. It gives him augumented strength and speed and the ability of flight. His arsenal includes a large broadsword, prototype laser rifle, shield, and two emergency combat knifes.

Bifocals: …Those are not super powers. Those are wasted funding and resources.

. “In time I could shoot tiny shot glasses fifteen hundred miles away, I was as strong as three rhinos and my intelligence for the field was ninety nine percent accurate.

:snorts: Fifteen hundred miles is roughly the distance between my home in Raleigh, North Carolina and the city of Amarillo, Texas – which is in a completely different time zone from me. The three rhinos things seems like a massive over-exaggeration, considering one rhino can seriously fuck up a car if they have a mind to. Also, that isn’t even close to how intelligence is measured so if you were trying to sound smart then you succeeded in doing the exact opposite.

I’ve been playing Sniper Elite lately. Past the triple-digit foot threshold, even with a scope with Zoom through the fucking roof, I can barely see what I’m trying to shoot at, much less the head, which is the smallest target on the human body (unless you’re really vindictive and like watching testicles explode in slow-mo x-ray vision). This guy is claiming to shoot shot glasses.

Keep in mind, this is just a video game that likes to tout realistic(-ish) sniping. I don’t even want to try and imagine the level of hell one has to go through to make that kind of a longshot in real life.

More to the point, a bullet just couldn’t go that far. Even on an ideal ballistic trajectory, you’d be lucky to get more than a few dozen miles, and that’s being absurdly generous.

And those limitations are just considering air drag vs. the momentum of the bullet. Regional differences in wind speed, air density, relative humidity, and the like would make the shot impossible even if you had perfect aim and actually find a way to make a bullet go that far.

At those distances he’d need something like a extremely small handheld missile launching system rather than a gun just to get the projectile (which would probably need to be multi-stage) to the target, but then he’d run into the same problems we’ve seen with miniaturized weaponry before – weapons have to be a certain minimum size to be effective or they are just noisy toys.

I’m pretty sure evildoers would be too busy laughing/being confused to even fight back, leading to pretty easy captures. Now I’m disappointed this much needed upgrade to the fic will never be teh canon :((((((

“Da, I’m surprised someone as young as you knows.” He said in a slightly amazed tone. “When I was young Russia was changing thanks to the fall of communism.

So the author knows about the fall of the Soviet Union, but doesn’t know that they changed their flag?

My father tried his best to move with the changes but times were still hard on him. The also got worse when my mother was murdered by one of our Politian’s in hit and run accident.

That second sentence is physically painful to read, and contradicts itself about five times.

1: Was it a murder, a hit-and-run, or an accident? I suppose the first two fit, but they wouldn’t be an accident, unless it was an “accident.”

2: I looked up “Politian” and the only reference to the term I can find is the title of Edgar Allen Poe’s only play.

3: The grammar is atrocious.

Though it was no accident he murdered her to weaken my father which he did.

So it was an “accident.” That’s still no excuse to contradict yourself.

When my mother died my father died, he started drinking and beating me to the point where I thought he would kill me. I was four at the time.”

Hey, look at that, a generic trajek backstory.

You know, once again there’s the seed of something that actually makes sense here under all the horrible writing, in that if his father was an important figure in the Soviet government and his family was targeted in the transition to the Russian Federation, he’d have pretty good reason to cling to a lot of the older Soviet iconography.

They already poorly ripped off Metal Gear Solid with no understanding of what made it awesome, so may as well rip off A Clockwork Orange with no idea what the aversion therapy was actually designed to accomplish.

I think he’s trying to say “intelligence”, as in strategic information, hence the whole “for the field” bit. In which case, 99% of all data Comrade Communist brings to his superior officer is accurate… which is pretty lame. I mean that’s impressive, but actually doing your job properly and only reporting accurate information isn’t a superpower it’s fucking common sense.

Shadow and Gauntlet were riding on their motorcycles as Red Crosshairs rode in his Ferrari. Their current destination was another shipping yard only this one was owned by Bruce Wayne so what they were stealing was obviously something valuable.

You literally just said it was a bank. *Headdesk*

Unless by ‘robbing a bank’ they meant Two-Face was in fact robbing a riverbank?

So then I was like, “Who the hell do you think you are?” and it just revved at me. Well, about that time I was already really pissed because of the whole California roll incident, so I just punched that stupid Chevy right in the face.