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Suck It, Meat Eaters! You’re Going to Die First

Studies — STUDIES I SAY! — have recently shown that vegetarians (like me, y’all early dying bitchez) are 12 percent less likely to develop cancer. Anyone who’s ever compared the ingredients in a hot dog to those in an apple could’ve told you this (and yes, a homemade, locally raised, non-GM chicken wiener vs. a pesticide-laced Peruvian apple may yield different conclusions, but on the whole, for the average diet, meat is a stone-cold killah!).