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Monday, February 28, 2011

just wanted to mention that it has almost been ONE FULL YEAR since i have been unemployed. and that means that it has almost been ONE FULL YEAR since we have filled out numerous stacks of paperwork, dealt with a million phone calls, fifty thousand different answers, rejections, refiles, we've lost all your paperwork- send it all again, updated bank statements, yes i'm STILL unemployed (thanks for the reminder asshole), no contact numbers to reach anyone WHEN you have a question, we will get you an answer within 30 days- we've heard that one about 3 times now, TO TRY AND GET OUR MOTHER F'N HOME LOAN MODIFIED.

bank of america, you disappoint me on a daily basis. i don't know how long we're supposed to wait until you give us a fucking answer. i mean, is it really that difficult to see that we need financial help? i've been unemployed for a year now. um, this has CLEARLY affected our monthly income.

but no, it's cool that you don't give a shit. i'm sure it's because we keep paying our stupid mortgage. i'm sure you don't think we need help. if they needed help, then they would default on their loan.

i just don't understand how something like this could take a full TWELVE months to process. when they said that longest it would take was 90 days.

it is sincerely no wonder that we are all in such disarray..... such chaos when it comes to our homes and losing them. this business is ridiculous. and the most unhelpful that i have ever encountered before.

seriously- makes me never want to own a home again. don't see the point in all the stress.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

i am still feeling totally awesome after my burn & release event the other day! there have been times since that day when my past experience has come up- and guess what? THE KNOT that lived inside me.... EXISTS NO MORE! my chest and stomach don't tighten up anymore, and i don't feel filled with rage when i speak of people whom i do not like. it's kind of just... what is. but it no longer fills me.

and i am so grateful!!!!!!!

yay for letting go! yay for doing an act and having that really help. :)

i'm shooting some sexy boudoir pictures today for a girlfriend. i've never shot them before, so i'm extremely happy that my first time (ha) is with someone i know (double ha).

jennster.com is all redesigned and ready for launch! :) if you haven't been over to my main website in some time, do me a favor and check it out!

i have seperate sites for everything i'm working on now.. photography, cupcakes, my bookS, and this here blog! it's a lot of really awesome and positive things swirling around me.

and i'll take it!

um, it's girl scout cookie time. maybe they have a season? like football season, or baseball season?? well it's girl scout cookie season. what the hell is it about those dang cookies that make them so good?! is it because they only come once a year (triple ha)?! all i know is that i can't stop freaking eating frozen thin mints. there is no point trying to resist. so i give in. CAUSE THEY ARE SO DANG GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!! and, they did something new this year. instead of having us order and then wait not so patiently for a bazillion weeks before the stupid cannot resist cookies even came in...... you ordered and got them right away! no more waiting! my ass and thighs thank you, girl scouts of america!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

it's almost been a year since i got fired from my job. emotionally, it doesn't feel like that length of time has passed. i feel like i am nowhere near being healed. everytime i go on an interview, i am reminded just how ridiculously fucked up i am from what that job put me through. i wish i could explain to you the emotional and mental anguish that i've lived through. but to put it simply;

i am really angry.

i am beyond bitter.

and i don't want to be either of those terrible emotions anymore. i know time is the best healer, and i've sat here day after day expecting the negative feelings to dissipate with time. it's almost as though i've half expected to wake up one morning with all the resentment and bitterness magically gone. but the truth is, they aren't really going anywhere (at least they don't feel like they are). i could point to you the exact location where they have taken up residence inside my body- because i FEEL them in there. a large ball of wadded up negativity that doesn't belong inside me. it's like a foreign feeling.

and it's time to evict it!

i realized the other day that i need to take an active approach to ridding myself of these feelings. it hasn't been enough for me to simply say things like "i let go" or "i release this" with my thoughts... that hasn't been working. AT ALL. so i've come to the conclusion that i need to perform a physical act of letting go. i need to do more to help my mind, my spirit and my body release the thoughts and feelings that i've allowed to hold me prisoner for the last year, because i felt it was well within my rights to feel the way i did. and it was... well within my rights to feel the way i did. but i no longer choose to harbor these emotions. they are holding me back. they are holding me down. they aren't doing anything positive for me or my growth-so i have to

LET. THEM. GO!!!!

so this is me... physically allowing myself to let go of all the anger. and documenting the process. because it's important to me. and maybe it will resonate with someone else.

step 1- i wrote down every negative emotion, feeling, or word that i associated with that environment. no matter how awful, how negative, how mean.... if i FELT it, i acknowledged it, and wrote it on its own piece of paper. i gave the word power by writing it down.

step 2- i folded each word i had just given life into halves.step 3- i placed each of the words in a dish and headed outside.

step 4- i lit the pieces of paper on fire.

i literally burned them to ash. all of the negative feelings and emotions that i had been harboring for the past year... all the words i had just given POWER by writing down... i BURNED THEM TO NOTHING. and then the paper no long existed. the words written on the paper no longer existed. everything looked the same. black, bits of leftover ash from what once was.

step 5- then, i set the ashes free.

i sent them into the wind and thought in my mind over and over again, i let you go. you are no longer welcome inside me. i release you.

and at the risk of sounding completely cheesy... i got chills from head to toe when the last set of ashes flew into the breeze. and my heart felt lighter... less constricted... better somehow.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

okay, i'm not a HUGE ice cream fan. i mean, i do love me some peanut butter and chocolate ice cream from baskin robbins, but it's not even the ice cream i like. i just like the swirls of peanut butter in there and it's pretty much all i eat. boyfriend will open the top and there it all sits, a ton of chocolate ice cream with no peanut butter chunks to be found.

and holy crap, my mouth exploded from all the goodness!!!!! that freaking ice cream was LITERALLY, the best ice cream i'd ever tasted in my life. i never even knew ice cream could taste like that. the flavors... the vanilla.. the chocolate chips.. THE VANILLA!!!! omg, they were just so pure and so rich, but not overwhelming sweet. it was what i imagine heaven would taste like.. if heaven's clouds were made of vanilla ice cream.

i have no idea if this ice cream is sold where you live. i have no idea if this ice cream is even sold where i live. ha! but if it is, you have to look for it. you have to try it. trust me. your mouth will thank you. and you'll never want any other kind of ice cream again.

this post was brought to you by my ass.. which is currently growing as i stuff my face with their cookies & cream flavor. if i could die from vanilla goodness, this would certainly do the trick.

Monday, February 14, 2011

when i was single, i convinced myself that i hated valentine's day. it was a stupid, made up holiday for hallmark, chocolate companies, and the flower industry. i think i mostly tried to make myself believe all of this, because i was alone. and what single girl in her right mind would be a fan of a day that is all about representing the love she was so desperately lacking in her life? yeah, valentine's day was dumb and no one was going to get her to say otherwise. it wasn't that she didn't believe that valentine's day was idiotic, cause a part of her certainly did.... but she knew it was mostly because she had no one to share it with.

now that i'm technically taken (hahaha), i'm still not a big fan of the day of cupid. but i started wondering if i wasn't a big fan because boyfriend completely sucks ass on this day. maybe if he was a fantastical gift giver on the day of love, i'd feel differently? but instead, he claims to hate it, more often claims to forget it exists, and rarely (if ever) acknoweledges it. why the hell would i get excited for a day that more often times than not, ends in utter and complete disappointment? i wouldn't. so i sit here and still tell myself that valentine's day is dumb. it's stupid. who cares? blah blah blah.... but it's all because i don't want to be let down. i'm all about self preservation and protection people. if you never knew that about me, you know now. i will do whatever it takes to protect my mind, heart, soul and spirit. i will build brick walls 100 feet in the air, if it means that i won't come crashing down in the end. although sometimes things are worth the fall, and i know that- but for other things... get me the mortar and bricks.

it's not like i deserve the special treatment anyway. i feel like my unemployed, non working ass doesn't really doesn't have the right to want for anything right now. i love how everything in my life currently revolves around the fact that i don't have a job. no jenn, you cannot turn on the heater during the day-YOU HAVE NO JOB! you do not deserve anything special or overly romantic- YOU DON'T PULL YOUR WEIGHT FINANCIALLY! how dare you want anything above and beyond when YOU CAN'T GIVE IT! clearly, i don't put enough pressure on myself.

anyway.. maybe the correct way that i feel about valentine's day is more like- it's a constant let down and a constant disappointment, so i choose not to believe in it. it holds no magic for me. it's dumb. lol

do you love or hate valentine's day? do you get gifts? do you give gifts?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

here are some more pics.. just cause they're fun! and they make me happy! by the way, if you ever go to the phoenix open and they tell you to leave your cell phone in your car because they will make you walk 10 miles back to it and stuff.. THEY ARE LYING. hide that shit in your bra. or stuff it in your panties. cause they do NOT search you. no pat downs. they only thing they do is go through any bags or purses.

i was pissed i didn't have my phone because that meant i couldn't take any pictures. and that crazy parade was worthy of some pics!

oh well, here are some pics we DID take! :)

we shopped in barney's (actually, i did my best just not to accidentally run into anything and break it) and then we had a drink in the bar upstairs!

there are also numerous pictures of me trying on all sorts of bra's from victoria's secret that i'm half tempted to post. see, there is this new bra there that gives you TWO cup sizes. and i thought it was hilarious, and awesome to be all boob-tastic. so you know, i took a bunch of pics of my now enormous (albeit totally fake) boobs and sent them to boyfriend. and then i bought the bra... which i now HATE because frankly, i look weird as hell with big boobs. i don't prefer my butt being balanced out AT ALL. i like having the ass all big and the chest all small. sorry kids, i guess i like the fucked up way i'm built. HA!!! eh, what the hell. i can post these- it's just like a bathing suit. NOW you're talking. i think i'd rather have false advertising like this in a bathing suit, not under my clothes!!! get on it VS. i'd totally wear a 2 cup sizes full of whatever on the beach. holla!

moving on from the dressing room to the BATHROOM! i make us take these everywhere we go. it's tradition! (someone remind these bitches they're lucky i don't make them JUMP! ha)

and now to posing against the wall. this is one of my favorite pics from the weekend. i love me some susan! :)

and then this random guy pulled out his cell phone and took a picture of us, while we were posing for a picture with my camera. so i ran up to him and grabbed his phone and text messaged the picture to myself. lol please note how i'm the only one looking at the random cell phone dude. i'm such a pro

out at the marriott..which was totally dead, so we bailed and then danced for hours. literally. and that is where some guy danced with me even after i told him i was married about 6 times. on the 7th time, he finally processed it and abandoned me on the dance floor. but not before telling me it was BECAUSE i was married. douchebag.

that's it for now! i'm sure my fantastic boobs will hold you over until next time. :)

Monday, February 07, 2011

i just got back from my annual girls trip to arizona. of course we all had an amazing and incredible time.. but we were all shocked and blown away by the sheer number of times that guys (of all ages mind you) told us... how NICE we all were.

"i can't get over how nice you all are. so pretty AND still so nice."

i'm sure that everytime a guy said that to me, i must have had the most idiotic look on my face. because um... DUR. of course we're pretty AND nice. why the hell wouldn't we be???

but then i realized that the girls in arizona are really kind of bitchy. (sorry ladies, but it's true. you all should really get your act together cause bitchiness is a real turn off.) and not only are the girls bitchy to guys.... but they were bitchy to all of us as well. for example, there were these 2 girls that were so stunningly eye catching at this bar one night. one of their boyfriends introduced me to them and i told them how beautiful they were and they looked at me and just said "mmm -hmmm" and then looked away. i wanted to punch that C U Next Tuesday right in her stupid mouth. who does that? oh right, it's really, really, really difficult to tell another girl (of all people!!!!!) THANK YOU for the compliment. another example was when we were at fro yo one day... my gf complimented this stupid hag on her cute shoes. and that woman just looked at her and did the same short half smile with some grunty noise, before continuing to walk out the door.

WHAT THE HELL LADIES?!?!?!

and before you say something like how it's your defense mechanism and you can't be nice to every single person who pays you a compliment or some bullshit like that, let me tell you that i know how douchey guys at bars and clubs can be. i know how douchey guys can be in general. and it's one thing if the guy deserves for you to be a bitch at them... because he's being a pig, or just trying to get laid, or becomes a completely disrespectful piece of shit once he realizes that there's no way you're going with him. then by all means, turn the bitch factor up a few hundred levels. cause he's basically begging for it.

but when the guy just says hi. or gives you a compliment... why would you be rude? is it really that hard to just tell someone thank you, even if you don't find them attractive? not to be mean, but this overweight guy with half his teeth chipped had the balls to come up and talk to me one night at a bar. he just wanted to tell me that i had a fantastic ass. (i love my ass) but what do you think i did? do you think i said "mm-hmm" and then walked away? do you think i was a bitch because he wasn't cute and my teeth fetish was on error overload from all the chipping?

i told him thank you. i told him that i appreciated his honesty. i introduced myself to him and all of his friends. i shook their hands. i gave them big smiles. and then i walked away. and when i saw them around the bar any other time, i would smile or say hi. cause it's really not that hard to just be nice to other people.

and i don't care how pretty you are. i don't care if you're drop dead gorgeous, and that's the only compliment you ever get and you get it three thousand times a day. you can still say fucking thank you to every single person who gives it to you.

ladies, you don't have to be bitchy. you don't have to be rude. you have to be a stuck up snob. there is a way to be pretty, or cute, or beautiful, and still a decent and kind human being.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

when the fuck did i get old enough to be coming up on my TWENTY YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION?!?!?!!? we all know i don't look my age (thank the goddess). and lord knows i certainly don't freaking act my age. and sometimes when i'm in a room full of grown ups and teenagers, i'd way rather hang out with the teens. probably because i seriously am 17 years old at heart. and mostly because i think i have more in common with them. we watch the same shows, listen to the same music, read the same books, etc. but let's not get it twisted- when it comes to deep and soulful conversations, i'm not having those with any teenagers. they simply haven't lived enough yet to relate to things that only those with some years under their belt have. life experience is a gift.

but yeah. 20 years. the funny thing about reunions now, is that there almost isn't a point. i mean, everyone and their dog (literally. i am friends with 2 of my friends dogs) are on facebook. so it's not like you don't know what all your classmates are up to, who they married, if they have kids, what they look like, etc. where's the surprise in going to the reunion anymore? what's the point?

no really. what is the point? i mean, back before facebook, maybe that was the only time you saw everyone from high school and had the chance to catch up. but now- everyone knows everything about everyone. granted, i haven't seen 95% of the people i went to high school with in probably 20 years. but i don't feel like i need too. i mean, THEY'RE ON FACEBOOK.

*logs in to facebook*

there. now i've seen them.

omg, this is how it all starts. people stop going out and seeing anyone in real life because they can see them on their computer. eventually we'll all stop talking to eachother and everyone will have online viewing parties. the reunions of the future will be one big fucking webcast!!!

holy shit, what if we evolve to having no voice? what if we eventually have like 20 fingers or some shit so that we can text and type like crazy to people?! i mean, if we never have in person, or telephone calls with people again??!?!?!?

great.

facebook= the demise of society as we know it. way to go zuckerberg.

i guess i'll go to my reunion ... IN PERSON. although i'll completely deny that i'm old enough to be there.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

i love this template! it's too cute and i think i'm all set with something different. i've never had a template like this before, so it weirds me out everytime i look at it.... but i think it will grow on me! :) it's just weird having a cartoon character supposed to be me. you know? so not my style. unless you know, it really IS me. ha

leaving for AZ tomorrow! anyone going to the pheonix open? apparently, we are. ha. pics to come! until then, here are some pics i've been taking lately (and some cupcakes i've been baking lately)... and blake pitching! and some pics i took for a local business and their website! :)