Sunday, 6 November 2016

I'm not good at asking for help, and I'm bad at talking about this kind of stuff. So bear with me. or is it bare with me? whatever. Maybe me putting it out there now will help me get better at dealing with it better down the road or maybe me putting it out there will help someone else who's struggling be able to make the move to ask for help.

I'm depressed. Or, i'm dealing with some depression. Having a bout of depression? How ever you want to word it. I don't really like "I'm depressed" because you don't say "i'm flu" or "i'm torn acl" ya know? not the point. It snuck up on me, like it does sometimes. I think because I've been so busy with stuff and the temporary "high" from a trip to vegas, then a trip to europe and planning my trip to Australia all kind of disguised it. It's not unusual for me to feel less motivated and generally down in the fall, less daylight, ect ect, it's science and semi normal(at least for me).

Like I said, it snuck up on me, I've realized I've made bullshit excuses for not doing things I love. Which is like sign #1. I feel busy all the time, but then I just go home and sit on my computer and do fuck all. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and I know half the time I feel like crap is just mental.

This isn't new to me. I've dealt with it since I was a teenager. I've never been on medication, partially because i'm to stubborn to admit I might need it, and partially because I can normally manage it with proper diet, exercise, and time in the forest (sounds cliche, I know, but it does actually work for me).

I haven't really trained since old lady worlds, and before that, it was pretty half assed with a few moments of brilliance and hard work mixed in. I registered for the Montreal Open almost 3 weeks ago, with a grand plan of using it to help motivate myself, but that didn't work (it does fairly often, a real tangible goal to work towards often does wonders for me).

I know what I need to do, but knowing and doing are two very different things, especially when your brain is working against you.

So my friends, close and not that close. Even if we hardly talk or have never actually met in person. I need your help. I need you to call me out on my bullshit excuses and badger me if you see me online on facebook when I should be at the gym(mon 5:30-9:30, tues 8-930, wed 5:30-9:30, thurs 8-:930, fri, 5:30-7:30). If you see me eating crap call me out. Please. That's all. You don't need to talk to me about how I'm doing, or even acknowledge anything in this posts. Just don't let me make excuses. That's it. Please.

If you read this from facebook, and I can count on you to help me, give it a like, or a laughing face, or sad face,or any of the reaction options, or leave a comment, just so I know who's out there.

Old lady worlds is about 10 months away, and I've got my work cut out for me to be properly ready for it.

PS: If you're dealing with depression or anything talk to someone. Don't be afraid to reach out and get help. You're not alone.