guess i can finally say that i've stopped repeating myself. if only that was true for everything else. scratch that, i remember an entry when i said that if i'm blogging this late, somethings keeping me up.

let's start with the things i don't understand. i don't understand why everything has to be compared with his comprehensive list of issues. statistically, not a lot of people have gone or will have gone through the shit he has. so not everyone will react to situations the way he does. and he can't fucking expect them to. and for godssakes, its 2010 and i would have loved to think we're so over and so beyond the fact that his issues come up every time i come up with one of mine. didn't think this was a competition for who had the worst life in modern history.

i also don't understand the whole 'self' thing. he's always looking out for himself, telling other people to look out for themselves; like relationships were something that happened to other people. and when it comes to relationships, i'm starting to guess he's pretty much fight or flight.

fight, if its worth fighting for, flight when the whole relationship becomes less than a, no, make that, HIS preconceived notion. that's it in a nutshell.

who's the sucker here?

am i here just for a preconceived notion? and he basically told me there's nothing in it for me anyway, he was just here for as long as i was. doesn't seem like a relationship to me, more like a convenient arrangement (read: cop out). i'm tired, i'm angry and feeling like i'm the one eternally trying to level up in this relationship.

tempted to go home, but who am i kidding. its late. and the question is: what does he think i'm here for?! to add insult to injury, i'm very tempted to pull a quick bad girl move off but it'd take energy that i don't have. i feel like such a suckerpunched sucker.

i'm in such a funk; feels like i'm stuck underwater. The Ophelia syndrome isn't funny anymore. and i wish, a million times over, for eloquence again. i want to write as much and as well i did several eons ago. aidez-moi.

hello darkness my old friend,I've come to talk with you againBecause a vision softly creepingLeft it's seeds while I was sleepingAnd the visionThat was planted in my brainStill remainsWithin the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked aloneNarrow streets of cobblestoneBeneath the halo of a street lampI turned my collar to the cold and dampWhen my eyes were stabbedBy the flash of a neon lightThat split the nightAnd touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I sawTen thousand people, maybe morePeople talking without speakingPeople hearing without listeningPeople writing songs that voices never share...And no one dareDisturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "you do not knowSilence like a cancer grows.""Hear my words that I might teach you,Take my arms that I might reach you."But my words like silent raindrops fell,And echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayedTo the neon god they made.And the sign flashed out it's warningIn the words that it was forming.And the signs said: "The words of the prophetsAre written on the subway wallsAnd tenement halls,And whisper'd in the sound of silence."

there were afternoons spent somewhere thinking of someplaces/elsewheres/what might have beens -- and it was you, always you and you. sometimes i am overwhelmed by these unravelling threads we forever left hanging. a thousand ruts to choose from, why do i still choose the most familiar? let's have an eternal cup of coffee sometime, we always started and ended there, i want to look at your face and read new lines and old hurts, then watch as you do the same. i will never forget you. are you still the same? i knew you so well.

finally! some pretty good vibes coming my way, i'm back to school in june! up dharma, up! i swear, its been a massive load off my mind, what with work, the exams and everything else i'm stressing about, my boss allowed me to enroll in migration studies. fame and fortune here i come! plus, the schedules great, 8 am to 2 pm on saturdays so i don't have to pass out from the long hard commute on weekdays; plus i get to have a life after school. and still manage to work on sundays (yes, i work on weekends and holidays).

also, if the universe is still feeling fine and altruistic, i might go to italy for my birthday! (i'll be 25 and i'm theres no way to go but up and away.) I promised myself i'm never taking leaves so i can go on that much delayed trip with my tita. :) and, i might also go to davao with jeffcat in october. i'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

this weekend has been a breather. mm, scratch that, more like one drawn out exhalation of relief, really. work's always crazy-hyper, i'm on perpetual overtime (which means i barely sleep or get to do things for myself) but the people are good and i like what i'm doing, i mean hey, some people got it worse than i do. some cash in my pocket, some love from my baby/cat, some good vibing, everything will be alright. watch this space. peace out people, hope the love makes its way to you. :)

hi ho, i'm at the airport suffocating at the tinderbox, off to davao for the holy week, by this time tomorrow i'll be at the beach i swear. had to rush from work earlier to get my ass to the airport in time only to find out that my flight was cancelled. so i'm here, blogging while waiting for the next one while the world whirls around me.

not complaining, the swirling's nice. up karma, up. in the meantime, listen to this.

Its easy to remember when it cameCause it feels like I've beenI've been here beforeAnd you're not my saviorBut I still don't goFeels like something that I've done beforeI could fake it but I still want more

FadeMade to fadePassions overrated anyway

SaySay my nameI need a little love to ease the pain

Its easy to remember when it came
Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
And you're not my savior
But I still don't go
Feels like something that I've done before
I could fake it but I still want more

i can name five other people who are in the same straits as i am; and we're all having coffee later. i've been annoying myself singing Mercedez Benz, but i can't relate that well since i got a colored tv. want to fast forward my life to where i'm 30 and stable, being in between anything sucks big time cause i'm doing nothing but hoping. feel like some wannabe actress/waitress waiting for her big break into hollywood.