Stealing from the classics, I am modeling my self-summary on every woman’s favorite reading material, the Playboy Centerfold's Profile. Not having any Playboys on hand (which has resulted in my quadrophonic stereo being completely misconfigured), I had to turn to the internet (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071113152947AAsXTGt).

Best Concert: When I lived in Boston, I went to see Cheetah Chrome and some other old punks in some sort of “We’re Not Dead Yet” concert. They were ok, but the closing act was a young punk group called the Toilet Boys. At the request of the singer there was a speed stripping contest, not at his* request, the singer was french kissed by a hardcore fan, fireballs were blown into the crowd by the guitarist, audience members' hair was singed, and the guitarist played a flaming guitar while it melted. That was pretty awesome.

* The lead singer was gender ambiguous, and I wasn't sure if he was a transvestite or a transexual. I had to look up the band's Wikipedia page to determine the proper pronoun for Miss Guy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilet_B%C3%B6ys

Sports Played: None well. I was the consummate nerd growing up, and while I am in good shape now, I am not particularly good at any sports. I once earned a reputation for making impossible catches in flag football, even though I couldn’t catch a simple pass targeted at my chest. If I could master any sport, it would be the caber toss.

Favorite Song to Sing: There is a YouTube video of me singing Copa Cabana at karaoke, but that is not my favorite song. My favorite is probably “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something. I believe that it very quickly gets stuck in people’s head, so I occasionally use it as an instrument of torture.

In the Morning: I sleep (or laze in bed) until the last possible minute, and then I quickly shower, dress, and rush out the door. Sometimes I do things in the wrong order and end up in the street naked and wet.

Jobs Before Modeling: Cosmos-tolegist. (You should have seen the Milky Way’s nails after I was done with them. And yes, I realize this is a terrible joke. If it isn't clear by now, I know when I have made a terrible joke, but I often don't have the willpower to refuse to make the joke.)

What I’m doing with my life

Working for the Federal Government in a job that defies description, unless you happen to work in the electric industry or like long, boring explanations. Saving money, and then promptly spending it on travel or house improvements. Other than that, I like to try out new restaurants or bars, check out bands, movies, etc.

I’m really good at

Picking the items on the menu that restaurants are out of. Trying new things. Figuring out what combination of people random strangers look like. Have you seen the love child of Kevin Youkilis and Ryan Reynolds bartending at the Big Hunt? Keep your eyes open.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what trips to take. Another LA comedy trip? Argentina? Cuba? Next year, China!

The first things people usually notice about me

My resemblance to (insert bald person they know). It is a little known fact that our society is in the grip of rampant hair-ism. WE ARE ALL SNOWFLAKES! --> Runs off weeping.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Top Three Favorite Books of All Time (in order): Catch-22; Grapes of Wrath; Blood Meridian.

Controversial Stances on Television Shows: I like Deadwood more than the Wire, Firefly more then Star Trek (or Star Wars), and Mad Men more than Breaking Bad. I sometimes think that Arrested Development is better then Seinfeld. You're The Worst is the best -- save for maybe Rick and Morty. I think that Catastrophe may be the best new show of 2015.

A Smattering of the Podcasts that I Listen To: Comedy Bang Bang, The Weeds, Slate Political Gabfest, The Dollop, EconTalk, Thrilling Adventure Hour (RIP), The Adventure Zone

Food: Ethnic anything. Fine dining can be fun, but I love hole in the walls. I love spicy food, and I love to cook.

Economic or International Policy. Whatever I'm reading. Exercise routines. What to cook. The fun that can be had by turning a jaundiced eye upon the world.

Mostly I wonder why anyone would opt to use a duvet. They are popular in Europe, but they get all bunched up inside the cover and constantly need to be shaken out. I really should be wondering why I don't just go out and buy a regular quilt.

On a typical Friday night I am

Out with my friends. Typically we are going to a movie, a restaurant, a bar, or some combination thereof. A little less often I will be at a concert or a play.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

In college my friend gave me a cute monkey hand puppet that I dubbed "Special Relativity Monkey." She gifted it to me after I sat in her room playing with him instead of studying for a Physics exam. He now maintains a prominent position in my bedroom (specifically on a bookshelf).

You should message me if

You are the sort of person who would be fun to travel or live with abroad. I heard about a book by Seth Stevens where he and his girlfriend circumnavigated the globe without traveling by air. If you think this would be fun, message me. If you can arrange financing for this trip, then in the immortal words of Maebe Funke, "Marry Me."