My toxic relationship with food

I have a really toxic relationship with food and its got me to the point that I'm really unhappy with myself.

You see i comfort eat, which when you add depression into the mix, is a slippery shit chute to find yourself on.

If i got really stressed out or upset over something i would automatically reach for something to eat. If i had a horrible day at work, i would console myself with a bag of sweets or if i had a fight with my ex i would devour a packet of biscuits in one sitting. Almost as if eating would make it all better.

For a time it did make me feel better. For a while it was a quick fix for a low emotion. It was almost like a form of self harm in a way. When i was younger i did the cutting thing to distract myself but it left me open to public interference. After a while i got fed up having to hide the scars and deal with the stares or questions from family or my partner.

I swapped the cutting for smoking which was great for calming me down but when i decided i wanted to start a family i couldn't bring myself to puff away. What i took in, the baby would take in so i wanted to get healthy. Quitting smoking was easy for me because i had something to work towards. Don't get me wrong, i did crave many a cigarette but having lost two pregnancies before, there was no way in hell i was doing anything risky while trying to conceive and subsequently maintain the pregnancy.

After i had Agent M and the PND kicked in, All bets were off. I was sad and stressed so i ate. Yeah i was putting on weight but i didn't care. I had a baby to take care of, i had a house to run, i had a relationship to try and save (though that turned out to be the biggest drain on my mental health) and i was trying to keep my head above water. If i needed to drown my sorrows in a multi pack of crisps then that's what i did. I wasn't cutting or smoking so what was the harm?

Turns out i was doing some serious damage to myself. I went from a size 16 to (my biggest ever) size 24/26 ... and although I'm down to a size 22 now, I'm so discussed with myself that i really have to do something or else I'm going to be unhappy forever.

Its all came to a head recently when i stood and looked at myself in the mirror. I mean really looked at myself. i was horrified to see myself. If I'm honest I'm embarrassed that i have let myself go so much. I am amazed that Agent D isn't as repulsed my my size but whenever i mention my weight he gets really annoyed as if I'm insulting him. I'm not happy and i want to change.

I decided now is the time to really make a change as this summer my baby sister is getting married. I was so excited when she told me and so proud that she asked me to be her only bridesmaid, however it hit me like a tonne of bricks that I'm gonna be standing up next to my gorgeous little sister and I'm gonna look like a blimp. I don't want to look back on these photos and be humiliated and i don't want her to look at them and be embarrassed.

So what can i do?

Well short of a lobotomy to rewire my brain, I'm gonna have to work my ass off ... Quite literally.

I've been looking into different weight loss programmes like Slimming world and weight watchers but I'm not sure which is going to be the easiest to maintain long term and i have been trying to get more exercise daily, be it a work out DVD or by walking to college instead of getting the bus.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get in better shape for the wedding in 14 weeks time ... Fingers Crossed!