Dolphin suicide terror attack foiled by beach

A dolphin terrorist plot was uncovered yesterday when an abortive attack upon humans in Cornwall went badly wrong. The marine mammals found themselves unable to make it more than a few yards on dry land to attack their targets and the dolphin terrorists were found dead on the beaches. But now there are fears that these martyrs will only encourage further suicide attacks on mankind from this sinister cell of fundamentalist dolphins.

Despite the friendly nature of most dolphins and porpoises, their fierce intelligence has led to some younger radicals becoming alienated and falling prey to militant anti-human propaganda. The insurgent dolphins demand that ‘land mammals’, namely man, withdraw all their forces from the oceans and desist from their satanic blasphemy against the holy dolphin homeland of the sea. In their twisted minds, mankind also stands charged with over-fishing, pollution and occasional sexual harrassment.

It is believed that the martyred dolphins may have trained together at a remote ocean indoctrination camp, where they learned lethal terror techniques as well as how to jump through a brightly coloured hoop and swim backwards. They throw themselves at the land with no care that they will surely die in their doomed attack, confident in the belief that 72 virgin porpoises are waiting for them in dolphin paradise.

‘This time the suicide dolphins died before they reached their intended victims,’ warned Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. ‘But next time we might not be so lucky. If ever there was proof that we need the powers to detain terrorist suspects for 42 days, this attack by suicide dolphins was surely it.’