January 5, 2010

Once upon a time there was a girl named Ivat. And she ordered a book on Amazon. Oh, and she was very pretty and BFFs with Sofia Coppola and was very pretty and owned lots and lots of dalmatian mice.

So Ivat, who was also very cool, and humble, ordered a book from Amazon dot com. It was called Juergen Teller for Marc Jacobs 1998-2009. And she wanted it because Juergen is of her top 3 favorite photographers ever-him, Nick Knight, and Tim Walker. Maybe Juergen is even in the Top 2, but I, the neutral ominous storyteller, won't say who then gets the boot.Oh, and because Marc Jacobs is one of her favorite designers, and the ads are always sick, and she has them taped to her school folders and made a little booklet of them. She also tore out every Juergen editorial he did for W in 2007 and 2008 and stapled them together, too. And even has a couple of his pictures on her wall.

It was the month of August when Ivat decided she would order the book. AH, THE DAYS OF SUMMER. They were filled with sights, smells and sounds that could be easily described using analogies commonly found in Kathy Bates movies, or movies about racial barriers crumbling down in the great name of football, or both! Words like "honey," "rooster," and "sweet summer day" intermingled with one another in the mind of Ivat, who enjoyed this month immensely. Times were simple, except for when she had to give a big long speech to her parents as to why The Book was worth 76 dollars that she would pay herself.

Luckily, her parents understood. Ivat happily and excitedly ordered the book, and it was only supposed to take 5-6 business days to arrive at her Juergen Teller for Marc Jacobs 1998-2009-less home.

Summer ended, and disaster struck: school! Ivat could no longer sleep in, or spend all day watching Ruth Gordon films, or have Ruth Gordon films on while she slept all day so as to test her theory on if it would do weird stuff to her unconscious brain and somehow make her more cool/suddenly a sunflower. Algebra equations and old scientists with beards and long names took over her day, but she hurriedly walked home every day in the hopes of finding a nice cardboard box with a thoughtful smiley-arrow printed on the sides.

The box never came, though. The pain was excruciating and Ivat grew worried. She took long walks on rainy nights, and wallowed in the sadness she could see in raindrops catching the light of a streetlamp. One night she came across a man sitting on a bench; an elderly fellow, wearing a suit.

"Hi," she said. "What's your name?""Norman," the man replied, looking away from Ivat and down the road."Are you waiting for a bus?""Yes.""I hate to tell you this, but they cancelled this busline two years ago. There are no more buses on this street.""You don't know what you're talking about."

Wait, wrong story.Oh, but if I could continue that one for just a sec for fantasyland purposes-then Ivat was allowed to dye her hair and was also best friends with Scarlet Johansson.

ANYWAY, yes, Ivat would walk alone at night, agonizing over whether or not the book would make it. It had been far more than 5-6 business days.

A few weeks later, an email popped up in her inbox, saying the book would come in November. It was a shame it had to be so late, but she was happy to be receiving it at all.

Suddenly, it was December. Snow was on the ground, and Ivat's hands made the habit of stealing cookies whenever they found themselves in the kitchen. They were not, unfortunately, in the habit of flipping through glossy pages with photographs of the faces of Victoria Beckham and Winona Ryder being lightened up by the possesion of a beautiful man's designs and by another beautiful man's camera flash.

"It'll be there in January," another email said. Fine, fine, as long as it gets here, Ivat thought, sighing as she hung ornaments on a tree.

Eventually, it was January. The fifth, actually. And that morning, another email came:"Due to a lack of availability from our suppliers, we will not be able to obtain the following item(s) from your order."

And then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Why? Because after six months-definitely not SIX DAYS- the book didn't come. In half a year, Ivat could've found another copy, and would have been willing to pay full price for it from a Marc Jacobs store, too, despite her general cheapness/laziness. However, it took six months for Amazon to realize it had none left. And by the time the last email came, the email which shattered hopes, and dreams, and even killed a few people, the only copy one could buy online cost at least 350 dollars.

The fifth of January was already bad. Ivat spent 20 minutes lying in bed the night before, contemplating whether or not to get up and pee, and ended up falling asleep with her glasses on, and couldn't find them in the morning. And was blind the whole day. She also chewed an Advil as opposed to swallowing it, because she is used to the chewable Tylonel that tastes like orange (the chewed Advil tasted like bad pasta.) So that also made her day bad. And, perhaps worst of all, Ivat had that "Party in the USA" song stuck in her head THE WHOLE DAMN DAY. Yes, THAT song. Yes, the one Miley Cyrus pole-danced to at some awards show, and OH THE SCANDAL! because it is definitely a well-known fact that pop stars have always been reliable as role models.

But you know what is probably more of a scandal? THAT THE BOOK DIDN'T COME. AND THAT IT TOOK AMAZON HALF A YEAR TO REACH THAT CONCLUSION. I COULD HIKE TO THE REAL AMAZON IN THAT TIME.

We spoke to Ivat for this story and she told us she plans on spending her money she's getting back on lots of consolation chocolate and shoes. "I'm very disappointed," said Ivat, "my daughters look up to Miley Cyrus-oh wait, you mean about the book? Sonny, don't get me started."

That was one of the more depressing stories I have heard in my life. I would kill amazon in that situation. Oh! by the way, I saw you in the New york times style section a REALLY long time ago. and it made me happy.

oh daahhling do I FEEL for YOU!!!!!! i hate it when that happends. your so patient. excellent story. Check out my blog. follow meee!!read about you in teen vogue. jolly well done. love your style. <<33

Oh noes, how could they?Took them long enough. Get consolations from the two saviors of womankind:chocolate and shoes. (But again, I wouldn't know-says the girl with two pairs of shoes and who takes three months to finish a chocolate bar)

I read an article about you in a newspaper a few weeks ago. the author had this nice little theory about you. it said that you're a project made up by some clever guys, who'll one day admit that you're not real. he had this idea because you're writing is so brilliant. I couldn't agree more.

Thank you for the sympathy! I am still learning to COPE, but alas, it is not EASY.

facon aesthetics-Wow, you'd think the guy that wrote that article would think to watch any of my vlogs first, or consider the fact that other journalists have actually met me in real life...before publishing that! Ah well.

This fantastic story will no doubt reach someone who matters either at amazon's run down crackhouse delivery centre, or marc jacobs' heavily guarded fortress empire of fashion, and you will be bestowed with the book eventually. You HAVE the power and the importance to achieve it.

Love the GHOST WORLD reference as i am a huge Daniel Clowes fan. By the way, how did you get to be so cool? Perhaps there is a formula you can patent? Then put it in a bottle and sell it for a small fortune so you can then buy all the Marc Jacobs stuff you want...

Oooh! Good idea, simplethings! A whole book about certain pole-dancing role models! How wonderful! You could bring it to school and show all your favorite teachers and friends. They would be delighted!

This is definitely one of the most tragic stories I have ever heard. If it's any consolation, my teen vogue handbook still hasn't arrived and it was supposed to be sitting under my treeon Christmas morning.<3

This is absolutely the best blog post I have read in a long while. I have stopped in to read your blog from time to time after the first article (months ago) that speculated initially that you may be an underground fashion critic. You seem very interesting. I like your writing style better on this than the fashion posts. You have a lot of writing skill and can take this a long way, though I get the idea that your true passion is fashion.

Just a tip for future reference: When you don't receive an order within 10 days, go look elsewhere. If you end up with a duplicate, then you can always return one and get your money back. I'm sorry this was learned the hard way. It sounds like that book was very important to you. (Oh, and I had no speculation that Ivat might actually be you until I started reading the comments. It was clever and, with you name, creative.)

Juergen Teller is amazing. That book seems awesome. And Ghost World reference! Hahah. Poor Ivat. :( That seriously sucked. I would have flipped a major shit, pardon my french.

By the way (and I mean this in the least creepy way possible) you were in my dream the other night. (See, it DOES sound creepy.) You sent me a package for some reason, and it had all these camouflage clothes in it. Yeah, I don't know. x)

But seriously that's a bummer. The same thing just happened to me only it was with a purse. They kept pushing the shipping date back until they finally said it wasn't in stock. ICK. There is some serious incompetence going on...

Maybe they will get it back in stock...? Or maybe you can find it on eBay...? Or maybe...? Eh. I am an incurable optimist.

like richard above said, you're totally going to get it, with a signed note from marc jacobs and juergen teller is going to hand deliver it. have you seen juergen teller's house that is up for sale in london? it's the most bestest narrowest house ever.--jennifer

OMG... I feel for you. That sucks - if it was me, I'd probs sent them hate mail every day until august. See if they like that.

I wanted to say.... Did you know that your also really well known in the middle east now? I live in Dubai, and in the past two weeks I've read about three different articles about you. You are the new hype here!! Whoo.....

This story was hilarious! You are such an awesome writer (: I'm really sorry you couldn't get that book though. I looked for it a few weeks ago, but it was so expensive! Maybe Marc will see this and send you a copy (;

Just for fun, I played a similar game with Amazon for over a year. In this case, it was a rare kitchen knife.

Well, not too rare. The Sharper Image was carrying the same knife - but for 15 dollars more. Amazon had he best price. And after the first round of emails as to delays, I decided to see how long it would take. I was in no hurry.

A YEAR AND ONE MONTH later, the knife showed up. I got the price - and was happy. But it did take A YEAR AND ONE MONTH.

With the postscript being, 3 months later, the same knife showed up at a closeout store. I guess in that time it became old season merchandise. Tho: same price as Amazon.

My latest Amazon quest seems to be this rare book, which I do know was limited to a printing of 500 copies (I had the school I work for order it for their library, so all can share).

I know this is completely unrelated, but when is it ever the wrong time to mention this, Freaks & Geeks.... AMAZING. I've memorized all 18 episodes. Fantastic to see another person so enamored with the show. (Also, love the fact that you refer to him as Daniel Desario and not James Franco.)

A few years ago, I bought my brother a hard to find (but amazon had it) movie (Old Boy) he loved for Christmas. I even PAID EXTRA to make sure he got it by Christmas as he was serving in Iraq at the time, I wanted to make sure he had the best holiday he could out there. In March I found out he never got it. After many phone calls and emails, he finally received the movie in august. AUGUST! He was already home from Iraq by that time! Ugh!

Anyway, your story reminded me of that incident; I'm sorry your book never came and it took them so long to figure it out.

Oh dear, that is insanely rubbish. However, the story was AWESOME, and so awesome I feel a little concerned that you write better than me at age 13, and I'm doing an English degree and am 19. Big fat oh dear. Also loved the Ghost World reference- presuming you must have seen the Luella collection which was inspired by it? Sorry if you've already written a post about it, I have only recently started reading, and thought I should mention it just in case you had been deprived of the genius of Luella Bartley.

I hate Amazon.. they always always mess up :/ always. I once never got my Christmas present because of Amazon. ... please don't tell it would be Tim Walker that you would kick off the top two list, that would make me :(

OMG!!! Amazon seriously needs to get its act together. The same thing happened to me with my copy of the HBO movie for Grey Gardens. Granted, I live in Australia but, come on!!! I eventually got it though.

Tavi (or Ivat, whoever makes it to the computer first) should check out www.thingsthatshitme.com.You could post about this and get the ball rolling for Amazon to get a clue.

It looks like you've gotten some good leads on where to find the book. I hope you'll post or comment on where you eventually find it. I'm sorry about your experience with Amazon, but I don't think it's typical - I order from them several times a month and I've never had a single problem. Good luck in your quest from a former Berwyn neighbor.

Tavi, I had the same experience w/Amazon last year when I ordered Ruben Toledo's new book, "Fashionation," which had already been published by Steidl in Europe and was about to be released in the US.

First I received an email a day or two after I placed the order telling me it was on back order for two weeks. Two weeks later I got an email telling me it would be delayed a month. A month later I got an email saying, sorry, but now it's backordered another two months, and so on and so forth until eight months had passed, at which point I received an email informing me that, sorry, the book was not going to be available through Amazon after all. D'oh!

Talk about aggravating. I could've ordered the friggin' book directly from Steidl in Germany had I known. But as happened to you w/the Marc Jacobs book, by the time I got this info there were no more copies to be had (unless, of course, I wanted to pay $540 for the privilege of owning one). Umm, I don't like eating Spaghetti-Os that much, so thanks, but no.

I was recently told (by Ruben himself) that Lagerfeld's imprint, 7L will be publishing "Fashionation" later this year. So fingers crossed, my story of unrequited book lust will have a happy ending.

Hey Tavi! I love your blog! My name is Max and I'm 12 (Going on 13). I live in Minneapolis and I run a blog called Areyourockin.com. You've probably never came close to hearing about it but you should like... check it out, if you want. ~Max

I just wanted to say that despite the sorrowful story of Ivat, I found your storytelling really hilarious (esp. Miley Cyrus reference, hah!) and lovely. Also, thanks for introducing me to Nick Knight's photography :)

oh my goodness tavi!!!!i totally completely understand!we have the same story. haha...i ordered a latin american studies book from amazon for my latin american studies course and it took them a month til after it was due to say that it was postponed to a later date. and then a month after that and then a month after that. but after 3 months i gave up, i cancelled my order and tried to buy a diff book, which took long too. ughhhh...

"The night before the end of a break.." no hate :-P but from the MOM side that's a YAY from me. HEEHEE.Anyways - love what you write..any suggestions for military wives - less budget and usually kids and husband overseas... sounds good HUH? LOL!Happy New year!

hey .. hey ... hey !!!!! I am a girl with super-way!! hiihi .... I live in Italy and I was born right here!! is true that the clothes are international branded much more?? our brands are strong and ... Actually I love the collections Ferre 'and my mother has several XDXD !!!!! I'd like to exchange a few remarks and words about what you do ... and the super city 'NEW YORK !!!!! wish we can add if you have facebook ... my name is Miranda SPAgnolo .. but since when l' I mistyped listing on fb you will appear ' "Miranda Spagnololo"

Urrg, I hope Amazon finds this and send you a bunch of free stuff in return for their SHEER LACK OF CONCERN FOR THIER CUSTOMERS. I would be flaming mad if I were you, if a package comes a week late I'm already going crazy!

oh i was just starting to get jealous, you see, because a live in peru, southamerica, where it is practically impossible to order books from usa by mail, then dont arrive EVER, but know a realize it is a global problem, not only for our little tropical countries. dont worry, you ll get the book. but in a way you dont expect!

A good subtitle would be: When patience is NOT a virtue. Too subtle? How about : To try to please and please not, to wait for one who comes not, to lie awake and sleep not...Too long ? hmmmm. I know. Amazon actually forgot me. Perhaps I should introduce you to actual complaining. Barbara Streisand fills in for me on my days off. The Castle Lady kiss, kiss!

A good subtitle would be: When patience is NOT a virtue. Too subtle? How about : To try to please and please not, to wait for one who comes not, to lie awake and sleep not...Too long ? hmmmm. I know. Amazon actually forgot me. Perhaps I should introduce you to actual complaining. Barbara Streisand fills in for me on my days off. The Castle Lady kiss, kiss!

gosh, that sucks. YOU SHOULD GET IT FOR FREE SINCE THEY MADE YOU WAIT SO LONG! even if it costs THEM 350 dollars.by the way, this story made me laugh "Ivat" :P I love the whole "wait. wrong story" and miley cyrus part :P

What a shame, but how come "Ivat" already has children....!? I mean wasnt she fantasizing about the book when she was a girl? although she could have been a girl and......never mind =)I do adore your new entries in your blog always uhmmm "juicy..." ??weelll, I must be off, school is back on soon and I need to improve my own blog =)AND BEFORE I LEAVE,i must ask: why does everyone think YOU were the one who ordered the book when you are just the storyteller and "Ivat" was the one...unless you are talking about yourself which makes perfect sense in the fact of stying anoynomous,but if you already have a blog everyone knows about whats the point!?wellwell, farewell!

Oh dear, there are so many tales of Amazon injustice but this is the worst I've heard:( Glad you turned it into a highly readable tragi-comic story though! Hope 'Ivat' eventually gets her hands on a copy for significantly less than $350...

Poor poor "Ivat". I really feel for her. It was so aganizing waiting for my Betsey Johnson dress to arrive in their store when I needed it. I demand you to write and angry email to Amazon. You should. Really.

Poor poor "Ivat". I really feel for her. It was so aganizing waiting for my Betsey Johnson dress to arrive in their store when I needed it. I demand you to write and angry email to Amazon. You should. Really.

well, as it happens, the books does seem to turn up on ebay every now and then: http://cgi.ebay.de/JUERGEN-TELLER-MARC-JACOBS-Advertising-OUT-OF-PRINT_W0QQitemZ160394426128QQcategoryZ378QQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZp4340.m263QQ_trkparmsZalgo%3DSI%26its%3DI%26itu%3DUCI%252BUA%252BFICS%26otn%3D5%26ps%3D63the last one was sold for around €200!!

so if i were you, and serious about getting it, i would contact the people from IDEA BOOKS 104 Willoughby House, Barbican, London, EC2Y 8BL. Email: angela@memphislondon.com - Tel: 00 44 207 638 4608.They may be able to help you out.