Reader Questions: How was your life as a Single?

A while back, someone asked me this question, while reading one of my story series. I said I would probably respond via my Reader Questions series...and I feel it's high time I oblige. It's not an easy question to answer. It is very exposing, and it is also of critical importance for those who might want to learn from my experience.

First of all, I must say that my life as a single was SHORT!!! I got married early. And for the wrong reasons. Does that phase of my life matter? I believe it does, though I don't think a lot of people will be able to relate to my experience. I was and I am still a very weird person!

But, before I turned 21 years old, I was single. And I was married 3 days after. So we are really talking about five years of singleness, if we want to start from the legal age that one can have sex (being 16 in most lands).

So the year is 1998... I had just returned home from a brief stay in a boarding school in the UK, to complete my secondary education in Atlantic Hall. At the time, I wasn't born again (as I now know that I am), though I had said the sinner's prayer severally by then. My life hadn't changed. I was not broken.

I was religious, no doubt. A Church goer. I was also abstinent. For religious as well as personal reasons. I feared God, I feared pregnancy, I feared AIDS, I feared my parents... I feared everything! So, I was a virgin.

But I was very sensual. I liked BOYS! I had crushes...people I crushed on, and people that crushed on me. It was rarely mutual. I flirted a lot, and loved to kiss. In fact, I think I was collecting kisses...

It was during one of my collections, that I kissed someone, who later became of some importance to me. It appeared he wanted more, but then, I didn't see a relationship happening. I just thought he was cute, and I wanted to kiss him (Let's call him, Donell Jones - DJ).

Before him, I had had about three noteworthy 'relationships'. Yes, I was one of those people who loved to be in a relationship. I always gave 100% when I was in a relationship (not my body, of course). But for different reasons, they didn't work out.

The first noteworthy relationship ended because of family opposition. Our love wasn't that strong anyway, but I really liked the guy. The second ended because the guy was a player wanna-be, and well...I saw it coming! I was catching my fun too, and my heart was never in that relationship. He was just really CUTE! The third ended because of long-distance. Again, our love wasn't that strong, but I really liked the guy.

So, not much of a role-model so far...

But things changed after 9/11. I had become friends with DJ, after our kiss. We both traveled to the UK for University. He was in Manchester, I was in London.

When the planes hit, and I watched it on TV, he was one the first people I called to check on their status. I actually didn't even know I cared about him that much. He asked me out after that. I said, I don't do long-distance. But he persuaded me. So, we became serious.

It wasn't long before I fell in love. And it wasn't long after that I gave him EVERYTHING. And all my fears took hold. I remember dragging him to the clinic the next day because I thought I was pregnant!!! Thank God I wasn't, but it was much too early to tell anyway...but I wasn't.

I was super paranoid about doing it again, and also afraid of something more - God! I kept thinking morbid thoughts, and I JUST didn't know how to sin in peace! You can imagine, we didn't do it often. I told him I wanted to remain chaste, and he abided with me...for a time.

God was working on me then. I knew I couldn't keep it up. I had no peace, and my joy and sanity were eroded by my fear of God. It was like two different spirits were fighting to take ownership of me, and I needed to consolidate who I was.

Come February 10th, 2002, I made a decision to give my life to Christ, knowing that this was it. I was ALL IN!

I traveled to Manchester for the Valentine's Weekend to stay with DJ. And I gave in to him again. The next day, I dragged him to Church. That was the beginning of the end of us. He didn't have the fear nor the love of God that I did...and God overruled. I had to let him go.

After that, my life as a single lasted a little over a year... I poured all my passion into God, and was "on fire" for God. I met the Jesus Christians about a couple of months after we broke up, when I was still young and vulnerable in the Faith, and followed them to forsake everything...

My last year as a single was lived in their 'community'. They discouraged marriage heavily, though they didn't forbid it. But I was still desirous for romantic love...and soon set my eyes on one Mr. FG. A young, single, spanish-speaking bloke. It was mutual...for a while. He had been in the group long, and he had learnt to abide as a single.

We couldn't and didn't date. Just had feelings and looks and touches. Until he began to take an interest in another lady in the group...

That was a very low point for me. Because I wanted love, but couldn't pursue love. I was compelled to forsake the idea of ever getting married, and to choose singleness. It was a long or short fight (depending on your perspective), and there was a time, I felt suicidal, because of it. The combination of heart-break, the burden to remain unmarried and my absolute lack of prospects within the group was very depressing.

I didn't know then that within a matter a months, I would be married. It was sudden, unromantic, but convenient. It was unwise.

When I think of all the factors that led to that decision to marry someone I hardly knew and had no feelings for, I think one of the things that made be so susceptible was my restlessness for love and marriage. The other factor was my lack of understanding of God and His grace. I think I would have lived a different life if I had known God more. I would certainly have made different decisions. I would have had more peace and contentment.

I don't know what lesson you can draw from my story of how I fumbled through singleness. It was hardly a purpose-driven life. I didn't walk in much wisdom. And I can never get those days back, or change my choices and their outcomes.

You are welcome Ufuomae. Yea, I know it’s the truth, that’s why I said it’s good. Come to think of it, (and I am not judging here), many people sure “knows how to sin in peace.” I guess that’s the difference.

Weird! Have I really noticed that in you? May be not in the real sense of the word. In any case, I think God was the unseen hand preventing you from going ‘deeper’…

Everyone has a past, a story. But if I was to write about my youth like you did, it would probably take a different perspective. Unlike you, I didn’t marry early, so I had a long time being single. But I’m grateful that I had know the Lord

HMMM, QUITE AN INTERESTING STORY! ITS TRUE THAT SOME PEOPLE SIN WITH THE FEELING OF ‘IMPUNITY’. I COULD REMEMBER ALWAYS HAVING THIS THOUGHT THAT THE FIRST LADY I WILL ‘GIVE IN’ TO WILL BE MY WIFE AND THAT ON MY WEDDING DAY, BUT THAT HAS CHANGED DUE TO THE INABILITY OF MY WOMAN TO EMBRACE AND PRACTICE ABSTINENCE. EVEN THE FEW TIME I GAVE IN TO HER DESIRES, MY HEART KEPT SMITING ME AND I WOULD NEED ASK FOR FORGIVENESS TIME AND AGAIN. I WAS IRRITATING TO MYSELF AND KEPT REMEMBERING ‘IF OUR HEARTS CONDEMN US, GOD IS GREATER THAN OUR HEARTS AND KNOWETH ALL THINGS’, BUT I COULD NOT HELP THE SITUATION EITHER COS I WAS TORN BETWEEN MAKING MY WOMAN HAPPY AND PLEASING GOD. THE CLOSER I STAYED WITH HER, THE FARTHER I WAS AWAY FROM GOD AND I HAD ALWAYS BELIEVE REAL HAPPINESS LIES IN MAKING MY WOMAN HAPPY. I WAS WRONG! THE MORE I THRIVE TO PLEASE HER AND MAKE HER HAPPY, THE MORE SHE WAS INSATIABLE. I DEFIED ALL WARNINGS TO BREAK ALL TIES WITH HER, BUT I WAS DEEP IN LOVE WITH THE THING I DREADED MOST STARTED MANIFESTING AND MAKING ITSELF REAL. I HAD TO DECIDE BETWEEN CHOOSING BETWEEN THE NOW AND THE FUTURE, THE FUTURE LOOKS MORE ENTICING! BUT BEFORE I COULD DECIDE I WAS CAUGHT IN THE WEB! I BECAME A M******R! I LOST MY PEACE AND SANITY TILL I SAID ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH OF ALL THE MESS I PUT MYSELF INTO. I AM HAPPY AND CAN FOCUS AFTER REGAINING THE LIBERTY WHEREIN CHRIST HAS MADE ME FREE, NOT BECAUSE I AM NOT READY TO TAKE UP THE RESPONSIBILITY OF A MAN BUT BECAUSE I LOST THE BATTLE WITH MY CONSCIENCE.

Respecting your openness and sincerity. God bless you. Who says you are not a role model? The best lesson for the wise is learning from other people’s errors. The singles will read this story and avoid such mistakes. Many are still plunging into marriage today because of restlessness for love and marriage.