On the Run with Jay & Bey

America’s first music family has put us through the ringer lately. While still recovering from the unanswered questions surrounding the Solange and Jay-Z elevator kerfuffle at the Met Gala, we had our wigs snatched once again with “Run,” a movie trailer that’s set fire to YouTube.

That interrupted America’s morning coffee for a collective jaw drop. And then, in the final seconds: “Coming never.” The teaser was but a star-studded reminder that the couple’s heading out on a 16-city tour this summer.

That didn’t stop fans from rallying for a full-length film. Presently, there are 4,814 signatures on a Change.org petition to get the marrieds to fulfill their humanitarian duty and follow through with the biopic. While I sincerely doubt Hova and Queen Bey will be swayed by their subjects’ efforts, the clip got me thinking.

They certainly didn’t need PR for their nearly-packed stadium rounds (July 18 in Houston and Dallas four days later), so what was real message they were trying to disseminate? Why would they shell out millions for what amounts to cameo appearances from Hollywood elite? What’s the going rate for Jake Gyllenhaal to give a Jack Nicholson smile for a few frames and briefly wield a knife?

The cryptic power couple have, once again, given us a lot to chew on. After several days spent with their code book and ancient texts like The Blueprint and Destiny’s Child, here are my theories:

“Run”... from Solange
I think some key elements of the clip were left on the cutting room floor, involving Blake Lively’s character, and they just might reveal more about the Met Gala incident. Countless theories have risen about elevatorgate, but what can we can glean from the video is that Solange is scrappy enough to scare Bey into inaction, and Jay-Z is having none of it.

In my scenario, Lively is Solange, desperately trying to hold Beyoncé at a level of human attainment, cooing in creepy mothering tones about the dangers of going “on the run” with Jay (i.e., the tour). Lively nails the concerned/crazy balance, teetering on the edge of snapping at any moment. What they left out was her finally snapping on Jay-Z, and the playout of what comes after, which he alludes to Sean Penn at the beginning:

“When the shit gets bigger than the cat, get rid of the cat.”

Watch out, Solange. Hova’s had enough.

Shortlist of the Illuminati
You could go down a four-day Internet rabbit hole with all of the theories and evidence that Jay and Bey are part of the Illuminati. Now they’ve outed the rest of the Hollywood cult. I imagine that the ritualistic nature of Illuminati gatherings has to get a little heavy.

They were probably sitting around in robes, figuring out their next government puppeteering moves, when someone decided they should make a movie trailer. You know, like Illuminati friends do. A collective shrug later, this video was born. A detailed analysis of subtle triangles in the clip is forthcoming.

“Pretty Hurts”
If Jay-Z doesn’t wake up every morning and kiss the feet of the perfect creature he’s wedded to, then he’s no man at all. Still, when extolling praise on Beyoncé each day you have to get creative. You can tell her one million times that she’s the personification of perfection, but God, does that get tiring.

What better way to do prove love and affection than to round up some of the Hollywood’s Aphrodites and force them to share a frame with the goddess incarnate for absolutely no reason? It’s a cruel showing, yes. Still, I have to give Jay props for thinking out of the box.