On this season of the Bachelorette, two former NFL players, Clay Harbor and Colton Underwood, are competing for the heart of Becca Kufrin. That makes this season of the Bachelorette sports as far as we’re concerned, so we’ll be tracking their progress and grading their performances as long as they keep getting roses.

(We’ll also keep tabs on Mike Renner, who is not a football player but does work as an analyst for Pro Football Focus. That’s not as cool as playing in the NFL — decidedly so — but, as a football blogger myself, I will embrace him all the same.)

Harbor played tight end for the Eagles, Jaguars, Lions and Patriots. Colton Underwood spent time with the Chargers, Raiders and Eagles but never appeared in an NFL game. He did, however, date Olympic hero Aly Raisman for a bit.

Grading the Football Guys

Clay Harbor

The former Jaguars tight end was the first one on the first “date card” of the season, which has to be a good sign. Maybe Clay’s awkward introduction and terrible clay figurine of Becca was more endearing that I had thought a week ago.

He is the only Football Guy who is going on the group date, which turns out to be a wedding-themed obstacle course. Chris R. suggests that this competition, which involves crawling in the mud, jumping in cold water and looking for a ring in a wedding cake “could come down to who’s smarter.” I guarantee you, Chris R., that it won’t.

Clay kills the “sitting in cold water” portion of the obstacle course. He explains that he takes an ice bath everyday after practice, so it’s no big deal. It doesn’t help him win, though. Lincoln, who may or may not have cheated (he did), finishes first.

Later in the night, Clay steals some alone time with Becca and he shows his sensitive side. “I’m trying not to overstep any bounds. I don’t want to make anyone mad, but I’m here for you. And I want to build a relationship with you and get a chance for you to know me for who I am,” he says fighting back the tears. I’m about to start crying along with him, then I remember he’s known this woman for like six hours.

We don’t see Clay again until the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. And guess what? He’s finagled some more alone time with Becca. This time, he’s taking advantage. He’s got a football and his plan is to work on some football celebrations. That’s much better than the clay thing.

He’s doing an awkward Backpack Kid dance, and I’m embarrassed for him. Then Becca starts doing it along with him and she is somehow worse at it than he is. I don’t feel so bad for him all of a sudden. He teaches her a simple handshake and says that his teammates usually bump helmets, but they don’t have any helmets so they’ll “just have to get close.” You know where this is going. Very smooth, Clay.

Becca throws him a pass, and it’s as good as any pass he ever received from Blake Bortles. They do the tandem Backpack Kid dance, then the handshake and Clay goes in for a kiss…

Boom! That’s our first Football Guy kiss of the season. I’m ready to run through a wall.

You better believe Clay got a rose after a brilliant bounce-back performance. I couldn’t be more proud.

GRADE: A

Colton Underwood

ABC.com

Colton was easily the most impressive Football Guy on the first episode, but this week was a rocky one.

After not getting an invite to the first group date, Colton hears his name called for the second one. We’re playing dodgeball. The guys walk into an ambush. Three kids start pelting them with dodgeballs and then start berating the guys for some reason. I’m very intimidated by how much swagger these kids have. I don’t think I would be to hold eye contact with them. Kids are mean.

Before the dodgeball game, we get a scrimmage and Colton ends up on Becca’s team. He comes up with the brilliant strategy of hiding behind Becca during the scrimmage “because what guy vying for her heart would actually throw and hit her with a dodgeball?” It turns out former Harlem Globetrotter Christon is that guy.

Now we get to the actual dodgeball game, and there is a crowd of hundreds watching. LaVar Ball would be ecstatic if his basketball league got a similar turnout. Somehow, ABC managed to get Fred Willard to agree to call the action. I feel sorry for him but not as sorry as I do for the people who are genuinely excited to be watching this from the stands. Who are these people?

Colton is struggling from the few clips we see of him, and his team ends up losing. Frankly, I’m disappointed. But not nearly a disappointed as Becca is about to be.

“There is something that Becca needs to know about me that I need her to know and it’s something that has been worrying me since I stepped out of the limo on night one,” Colton tells us at home. That doesn’t sound good. It turns out he had a relationship with Tia, who was on the last season of The Bachelor and just so happens to be good friends with Becca. Not ideal, Colton.

“We had a weekend together and we had a good time,” Colton tells her. That doesn’t sound creepy at all. Becca is understandably devastated because she really likes Colton. Now she’s having second thoughts. She’s crying and wondering if it Colton is really there for the right reasons. Gah! WHAT DID YOU DO COLTON?

Colton seems to clear things up at the cocktail party and assures Becca that he’s there for the right reasons. Phew. She seems a little skeptical, but she admits she’s very attracted to him. He’s going to be all right, I think. She refers to him as “a catch.”

At the rose ceremony, ABC tries to play up the drama: There’s one rose left and Colton has yet to receive one … only we saw in last week’s season preview that Colton is going to be a major figure. We know he’s getting a rose. Stop messing around.

He gets the rose and manages to survive a rocky week.

GRADE: B

Mike Renner

ABC.com

Like last week, Mike was barely featured in this week’s episode. He got one line of dialogue but it was just him speculating that there’d be a one-on-one date soon. There was, but it wasn’t with him. Sigh.

Making matters worse, the second date card is read off, and Mike is one of two people left off the list after being left off the first one. No dates for Mike this week. He looks sad, and now I’m sad. What have you done, Becca?

Mike gets a rose! I am legitimately happy, but still awfully worried for his prospects going forward. Give this man a chance, Becca.

GRADE: C

Random observations

1. The first hour of this week’s show was highlighted by #PictureGate. As we’ve already mentioned, Lincoln won the obstacle course, which got him a photo op with Becca.

The other guys are pretty jealous about that (for some reason) and Lincoln isn’t helping matter by rubbing it in their faces in the weirdest way possible: At one point in the night he had a conversation with the photo. Then he kissed it. It was weird.

Somehow, this offended the other guys. Connor, in particular. He says Lincoln is being disrespectful and calls him out. Eventually Connor throws the photo out of the window and it ends up in the pool. That ought to impress Becca.

Lincoln is genuinely sad about the picture being broken. He says he was going to show it to his mom, which isn’t weird at all. We fast-forward to the next morning. Lincoln is an adult, so obviously he’s over the whole photo incid– and he’s crying. Just ask the producers for a copy, dude. Lincoln says the picture was “like a medal of honor,” which might be the most depressing thing I’ve seen on this show.

2. Blake got the first one-on-one date of the season. It takes place at an abandoned warehouse. The host has a sledgehammer. Lil’ Jon is here for some reason. I’m very confused. It turns out they’re going to destroy a bunch of stuff related to Arie, the guy who dumped Becca on national television last season. Lil’ Jon explains that it will help Becca get over what happened. Lil’ Jon is very excited about all of this.

3. “I want to be pushed intellectually, and I get the feeling you want to be pushed intellectually, as well,” David tells Becca. This is the same guy who showed up to the house in a chicken suit. He’s an intellectual.

4. Jordan shows off his “pensive” walk at the first group date, and I’m seriously wondering if he knows what that word means. The “pensive” walk is just him strutting around with a confused look on his face. Becca asks “Are you a model?” She seems kind of surprised.

5. We have a bit of a rivalry brewing between Jordan and David (the chicken suit guy). To impress Becca, Jordan strips down to his underwear and intrudes on Becca’s one-on-one chat with David. This causes David to question whether Jordan is #HereForTheRightReasons, and he wants to confront him about it. He doesn’t think walking around in underwear is respectful. Again, this guy showed up in a chicken suit.

David and Jordan start arguing. David tells Jordan that he is “Very articulate with his words,” whatever that means. He says Jordan is being “ingenuine” (not a word). Jordan corrects him: “It’singenuinity.” No, it’s not.

7. Leo absolutely dominates the dodgeball game, but he can’t carry the rest of the scrubs on his team to victory. He is the LeBron of Bachelorette dodgeball.

8. It’s just a little weird how many of these guys are ready to profess their love for Becca after only two weeks in. These guy have spent like 20 minutes with her and they’re ready to risk it all. Seriously, Alex?

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