Sunday, October 26, 2014

Finding the root cause...week 5 of #TheBestYes

“If people
pleasing were my goal, I would never be Christ’s servant,” Galatians 1:10NLT

“The fear of man
will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe, “Proverbs 29:25NIV

Is the disease to please in anyone’s
DNA, is it passed down through the nurture or lack thereof, through the
generations of your family and not in your very nature?

I lived in a protective bubble the
first four years of my life. My maternal grandfather was twenty one years older
than my grandmother and from the moment he met me he decided he was going to
utilize every moment he had with me because he just knew it wasn’t going to be
much. This bubble had me on the outside of the demons in my family, it kept me
blinded from the dangerous darkness that was lurking, waiting to punish me.
I knew something was there, always feeling the cool and empty touch of my
Uncle, seeing that my Father wasn’t welcome at family functions and when
allowed there was a stink of hatred in the air but my Poppi kept me close and
those enemies in my family as far away as he could. It is no wonder that when
he died January of my fourth year I turned to God and declared war, I knew the
charmed life I had was over, I knew something evil was coming for me and I told
God he was a real jerk (not the word I really used) for only giving me
protection for such a short time. I was a terrified, lonely and entirely too intelligent
for my own good. So, I shook my small fists to heaven, put my head down, and
hunched my shoulders preparing myself for this unknown battle in front of me. Within weeks I knew what was so foul in my
family, what was hated do deeply that we were feared in our neighborhood,
because if you can feel this way about your own blood who knows how dangerous
you really are: it was me. Turned out my beautifully unique, tan all year round
skin tone and my midnight black hair were a constant reminder that I was not “pure
blooded.” That when my Mother got pregnant with me at 18 she had chosen someone
unlike anyone she ever had a chance to know until she started a city community
college. We were a proud South Side Irish family. My Uncle the unofficial Mayor
of an intentionally all-white neighborhood in Chicago and she had chosen a man
who had recently come from Guatemala. By my fifth birthday, six months after I
lost my Poppi, I knew that after two attempts to have me aborted my Nana and
Poppi stopped speaking to my Mother throughout the rest of her pregnancy, that
my Uncle upon being told I was on the way threw her down a flight of concrete
stairs.I was no longer gushed on I was gagged over. I was treated as a
servant: only being accepted if I watched the other kids, made drinks, lit cigarettes,
grabbed snacks, change the channel, allowed my Uncle and his extended family
and friends to ridicule how I looked and bash my father, who at this point I
considered scum as well for doing this to me, for making me so disgusting.
Growing up the only time I was wanted was when I was doing something for my
family more of the same but also as I grew older rides, bail money, an alibi.
My Mom was so desperate for their forgiveness and love she never stood up for
me and eventually my brother. The greatest gift my family ever gave me was
letting me take it all and leave my helpless and doubly defective brother alone
for the most part.

When I was saved by grace I first
thought people pleasing or my issue with codependency was a part of my molecular
being, it had to be after watching my pathetic Mother. As I have gotten closer
to God and have more victory over this disease to please I see that I am not
this way when the people around me aren’t demanding with their actions I be.
When I am around healthy, Christ centered people I don’t grovel at their feet
but walk beside them. The past four weeks at my home church the sermon series
has been unmasking us from our shame, insecurities and today on overcoming our
need to please. This past week with my online Bible study, #TheBestYes we also
tackled this hard topic and for months God has been rewiring me to stop seeing myself
as that rejected girl and accept myself as His chosen daughter, He has repeated
this message to get deep down to the root lie that happened months into my
conception: that I didn’t belong in this world and my existence ruined lives.
God’s truth is clear; he formed me in my Mother’s womb, chose the very time and
place I would be born and planed this fabulous skin tone of mine. The verse of
the week for my online Bible Study, “If people pleasing were my goal, I would
not be Christ’s servant,” and I am proudly, passionately and born to be Christ’s
servant. I will let God choose who I surround myself with, I will let God guide
my choices, my words, my friends and every other moment of my life. You
probably are wondering how I went from being that four year old girl who
declared war on God to a disciple. How I can thank God for decades of that pain
and harshness. I no longer fear man, I trust God and know God is good all the
time and all the time God is good. I was saved by grace the moment I needed to
be and every moment of my youth can be used to glorify Him and redeem me!

“When
someone makes a request of you, you should be able to make that decision without
emotional consequences. And if you anticipate that telling them no will make
them not like you – then you saying yes isn’t going to help that situation. It
just won’t.” Lysa TerKeurst in “The Best Yes”