Saved By the Bologna: Lasorda Leads Lopez' Ladylike Lithe Limb

Mario Lopez was all set to throw out the first pitch at the Dodgers game last night until he realized he had no idea what baseball was and the last time he attempted to 'toss the pill' it was something completely different. So he did exactly what any red-blooded American dancing queen would do and got some instructive help from an elderly, lecherous dago.

Now I was no superstar when I played Little League as a lad but if I was ever granted the opportunity to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a ballgame, I'd rather just go out there and wing it...directly at Tommy Lasorda's head so he can go ass-over-tea-kettle and do the All Star tumble again.

LT: Why does everyone forget about me, Lisa Turtle? Is the shame of being arbitrarily assigned as Screech's love interest that hard to wash off? Or was the Amerikkka in the '90s just that racist that it was terrified of a confident, sexy young black women? Or is it because I wasn't later on 90210, and didn't shake my titties at Agent Cooper? "Damn fine coffee...and hot"? David Lynch fucking stole my motto. Fucking weirdo, writing 100-page photography insert booklets for a Danger Mouse CD. What the fuck is that anyway?