Pseudo-Medical Emergency

Disclaimer: we’ve moved into my inlaws because we’re building a house and our house sold too fast. We’ll be here about 3 months. I love my inlaws and my husband. They are the best!Day 4: My husband has developed a tummy ache overnight. By tummy ache, I mean he sat there at 3am for about 30mins thinking he was about to have diarrhea. Luckily, he didn’t. But his stomach still hurt the following morning. He ate breakfast fine and went to work.

Upon waking up, I told my inlaws about our night and how my husbands tummy hurt.
*First mistake*
*Umbilical cord regenerated*It was at that moment he ceased being my husband and morphed into a ten year old little boy who’s appendix had likely ruptured and he was clearly dying….but he was at WORK?
“How could you let him go to work?” Oh crap, I don’t know. Did I miss something? Frantic. What do we do?
Text Hubby et. al, for status update 2 hours into work…
“….it still hurts. I still feel like I could shit my pants but haven’t.”
Time to call the Aunt who cleans the hospital for medical advice.
Her medical diagnosis: diverticulitis

Recommends I look up symptoms, treatments and so on, on the Internet. A bachelors in nursing and 75% of a masters towards a nurse practitioner degree is not enough knowledge in diverticulitis.

One must consult hospital cleaning staff and then google more information. This will save lives.

Noon: inlaws visit Hubby et. al for umbilical reattachment and cuddles (assumption only). Still no vomiting or diarrhea. Still eating normally. Pain still there. Hurts when he coughs. No cough or Coke, he’s just “testing it.”

Hubby et. al home from work. Walking normal. Talking normal. Not taking any over the counter meds for pain. Hurt when he turns to the left and coughs little baby coughs. Still has no cough or cold.
Mother in laws feels forehead with her hand and declares fever. Approximately 106. Give or take. Hubby et. al to bed…with dinner. He is hungry.
Hubby et. al poops. MIL checks it. It’s normal, but she thinks that’s a bad sign. His diverticulitis is trying to trick us.
Her et. al is grossed out…even for a nurse.Day 5: in laws up early to check on regeneration of umbilical cord partner.
He rates his pain at 12.45% better. MIL recommends maybe not having breakfast.
The thought increases pain level.
Breakfast is served
Baby et. al vomits. MIL declares babies emesis is related to her teething.

She is not teething.

But I’m only her mother and we haven’t called the aunt who cleans the hospital to double check me yet.

2:00pm: I vomit.

No one notices at the moment. Fine. I collect myself, clean up, and brush my teeth.

People come help me..”hello, I just threw up downstairs. I think I may be catching whatever is going around here.”

Dead silence. Apparently diverticulitis isn’t contagious.

Her et. al exits scenario.

We’ll let this be between a mother and her baby. And I’ll try to erase this from my memory during the next sexy time.