I've always been able to count on my eyes to do two things, be bad and get worse. Pretty soon, though, kids may no longer have to worry about the second one. A team of scientists from the State University of New York (SUNY) College of Optometry is set to unveil their prototype for a new sort of contact lens that changes the shape of the wearer's eyes, preventing their nearsightedness from getting worse.

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I’ve always been able to count on my eyes to do two things, be bad and get worse. Pretty soon, though, kids may no longer have to worry about the second one. A team of scientists from the State University of New York (SUNY) College of Optometry is set to unveil their prototype for a new sort of contact lens that changes the shape of the wearer’s eyes, preventing their nearsightedness from getting worse.

Right now, glasses and contacts are fighting a losing battle against visual degeneration, because as we get older, everything that we are made of just falls the hell apart on every level, including our eyeballs. Glasses, contacts, and the under-appreciated monocles of the world can correct vision, but they can’t stem the tide of time as our eyes get longer, little by little, making our vision worse and worse and ensuring that you have to pay for a new eye exam every damn year.

These new lens prototypes are designed to focus light differently in the eyes by using different focal strengths in the periphery of the lens than they do in the center. That difference in focus keeps eyes from stretching, straining, and over time, changing shape, which is why so many people’s vision gets worse and worse over time. The process is steady, but slow. If you are having a harder time reading this sentence than the last one, for example, that is probably not eye degeneration, but a witch’s curse. Please consult your local gypsy, shaman, or medicine man.

We can officially put this on the list of reasons I now totally get why older folks despise younger generations. Kids these days with their magic contact lenses and cooler video games than I had. Someone get me a lawn so I can shout at some no good children to get off of it.