Serving On This Jury Would Be A Pleasure

GARY STEIN

March 26, 1993|By GARY STEIN, Staff Columnist

I am looking at one of the countless letters I received a few months back from intelligent, sensitive Buffalo Bills fans.

``You`re the one who`s fat and disgusting,`` the letter reads. ``Go home, open that can of tuna fish, drown your sorrows with a bottle of Cuban beer, with that stupid smirk on your ugly face, and watch the Bills be crowned the next Super Bowl champions.``

Ahem.

I am now looking at one of the faxes I received from Buffalo imbeci ... uh, loyal fans.

``The Bills are No. 1,`` it says, ``and Miami is trailing behind.``

And there is a picture of a behind. How cute.

I am now looking at information from vile, bogus ``interviews`` a Buffalo radio station claimed it did with me, even though I never talked to the station.

I am now looking at the white shirt I owned, which was covered with ugly blue and red body paint when a beer-bellied Bills fan wiped his huge, greasy body all over me at the AFC title game.

I am looking at all the stuff I received from mentally deficient Bills fans, all because I graciously critiqued their behavior.

And one thought occurs:

I want to be on the jury that decides the fate of Joseph Hillman, the Buffalo fan who allegedly mooned Dolphins fans.

Yes, I am begging for jury duty.

DOLFAN DENNY APPALLED

Hillman, as you know, was busted for dropping his trousers in Gary`s Sports Bar in Davie after the Bills beat Miami for the AFC title.

Now, his attorney wants the charges dropped or at least a change of venue, because they are afraid -- sob -- Dolfans couldn`t give this guy a fair trial.

Perhaps the attorney, Jim Lewis, envisions another Lozano case -- keep moving the trial all over the state. Maybe he thinks Dolfans might go berserk after the verdict comes in.

Anyway, for insight on this incident, I talked to a witness -- none other than Dolfan Denny (a.k.a. Denny Sym), who was in Gary`s when the moon came out.

``Eighteen years I`ve done this,`` said the Dolfans` cheerleader, ``and I`ve never been mooned.``