Thursday, January 31, 2013

Maybe I'm watching too much Nurse Jackie right now...which by the way I LOVE that show! I don't know why it took me so long to start watching it. That hubby of hers? Yum.

Anyway, I have been thinking the past few days about addiction. You see, it runs in my family. I've had quite a few family members that have struggled with addiction which perhaps helped me at a young age from wanting to drink or do drugs. That is what addiction is. When you hear someone has an addiction problem, you immediately think they are either drinking or doing drugs. You don't think of some of the other non conventional addictions. Yet, there are a lot. In fact I would dare say that I suffer from a few of them. The one I want to talk about here is eating. We've talked about it before, it comfortable for me for some reason to talk about it here.

Here's the thing. I have an addiction problem with food. I'm sure there are a MILLION reasons why I over eat, just like there may be a million reasons why someone starts drinking. Here is what is different. I can't just STOP eating. If someone is a drug addict no one tells them "just take less drugs, start snorting lines in moderation." If someone is an alcoholic no ones tells them to "just drink light beers." Yet....when someone has an unhealthy relationship with food they are just told to "eat in moderation." It's the simple solution.

What the fuck? Do you know how hard that is? Those that have figured out how to eat in moderation and do it for life deserve a big medal. As big of a medal as someone that stops doing drugs or stops drinking. Those that don't figure it out and keep sliding down the slide get to feel like a failure. They get to experience the depression of feeling like they are a failure. They get to beat themselves up for not being strong enough to do it.

How do I know this? Well, I'm sitting at the bottom of the damn slide again. It started at gaining 3 pounds over the holidays and being OK with that. Only I didn't climb back up the slide like I thought I would. I kept sliding down, down, down, down. Along the way I found 7 other pounds.

Now I'm at the bottom and I feel like a failure AGAIN. I feel like I've let people down. I feel fat. I feel frustrated. Doing the cleanse was the most extreme thing I'd ever done. I didn't do it because I wanted to lose weight, I did it because I felt awful and I didn't want to feel that way again. Doing that cleanse really opened my eyes to my terrible addiction with food. The problem is, I don't feel like I have the support for this addiction. I'm sure I will be SLANDERED by some for this but I sometimes feel it would be better if my addiction was drug or alcohol related because I could at least be trying to just give something up..not just have it in "moderation." Don't get me wrong, it's not like I think that is easier...I just wish there were better options out there for those with food addiction issues. I wish it didn't feel as embarrassing or taboo. People feel bad for the drunk falling down on the street...people don't feel bad for the fat girl at the buffet. I'm sorry if saying that makes me seem like an asshole but I'm sure anyone who does have an addiction problem with food would agree with me. It's not sympathy I'm looking for either. I guess more of an understanding for how hard all of this really is.

Anyway, February I am doing a plant based challenge put on by YumUniverse...although I will admit I'm starting Saturday since I have to go grocery shopping. I don't know if it will last the whole 30 days, I don't know if I make it 30 if I will be able to continue it for the rest of my life. I just wish that someday this would all click and make sense and I wouldn't keep sliding down this slide.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

This year I was given my first holiday gift from a client/company that I work with throughout the year. Not only did I get a gift, but it was a $75 gift card to Nordstrom! I was soooo excited. I had my eye on some boots and thought I would go back and get them, but sadly they didn't have any in stock when I went back in to get them.

While I was browsing through the rest of the store I saw a wallet that I have always adored. It was on sale for $73....a steep price for me to pay for a wallet. I have adored this wallet for some time, but it is very hard for me to spend money on wallets or purses. I'm not sure why, I just haven't ever been comfortable dropping a lot of cash on these items. I realized though that the wallet was on sale and that I had a gift card to cover it so I would treat myself to something I would never buy otherwise. Last Thursday I went home the happy owner of a new Hobo wallet.

On Friday I went to Joann's and when I pulled the wallet out of my purse I gasped so audibly I shocked the cashier.

Yep, pen all over the wallet. I felt so silly for being so upset. I was upset though. I felt like I should never own things nice because this is what happens. Then I hit the internet trying to figure out how to remove pen from leather. Over the weekend I tried a couple things and only ended up making the situation worse. On Sunday I called Nordstrom to see if they had ideas on how I could remove the pen marks. The woman had a great idea....just bring it back and she would return it.

Say what?!

Now, I trained customer service for MANY years and we talked of the Nordstrom return policy but this was my first hands on experience of this. I mean I WAS TO BLAME! I had the click top pen in my purse! No worries I as assured, just bring it in and she would take it back.

I decided to play it safe and went with black, so much more forgiving!

Monday, January 14, 2013

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I had no idea being a parent would be so hard. I thought I'd be great at it. I thought I would have all the ideas and solutions. Instead each day I feel like it's a crap shoot and most of the time I feel like I'm walking away completely empty handed.

How's that for a hopeless blog post?

Right now, as I type this my child is screaming his head off in his room. Bedtime has become a nightmare. Each day right around 7pm I am filled with such dread I have no idea where to even begin. It's the start of a new night, a start of another bedtime. A bedtime that will end up with someone crying.

There was a time we had it down. At 6:45pm I set the "nappy timer"which is essentially the timer on the microwave. The clock would count down 15 minutes and when the timer went off Leyton knew it was time for bed. We would then go in his room, brush teeth, read books and about 20 minutes later tuck him in for the night and leave the room.

Sure there were times he didn't like it. There were times he'd fuss a little bit, but within a matter of 5-10 minutes he was settled down and sang himself to sleep or chatted with his stuffed animals. We've always been a family that wasn't against crying it out. At the same time there was a limit to this and a difference between a simple fuss and complete hysterics. I couldn't just leave hysterics. There have been a couple times I have but I always felt like hysterics needed soothing. If Leyton wakes up in the middle of the night I go to him. Sometimes he calms right down, sometimes he comes in our bed. He gets nightmares and again I can always tell when that is happening and know that he needs me.

Now, I don't know what is going on but it fills me with such anxiety it is hard at times to cope with it without wanting to run out the front door screaming.

The night starts right about 7pm. Leyton can tell it's almost bedtime and starts to go completely ape shit. It's like he's consumed about 15 redbulls. Once it is time for bed we get in the room. Sometimes it is just Bill, sometimes it is just me, sometimes it is both of us. He won't sit still to read a book, he's all over the place going absolutely ape shit. He's pushing buttons. He's smart and he knows damn well what he is doing. Have I given him too many chances? It's likely. Does he realize this and so he works me even harder? It's VERY likely. I don't care what age he is, he is one smart dude. Since it has been getting worse and worse I decided tonight was the night for "the law"to come back to town. That ended up meaning button pushing until finally I just dumped him in his crib without the normal routine, shut the door and walked out.

He lost his mind crying.

His Dad is in there right now, and he is calmed down but there is no way Bill will be able to leave that room until he is asleep. I never wanted that. I'm not here to criticize any parents decision. Some have their child in their room and bed for a long time, some stay in their child's room until they fall asleep each night. We each decide what we want to do for our kids. I decided at the very beginning that I wanted my son to be able to fall asleep on his own. I didn't want to hand hold him or sit in the room. I wanted to have a bed time routine and then let him figure it out. Again, has that meant crying at times...yes. Nothing like what is happening right now though and it is so hard as a parent to go through it.

I'm lost. I have no idea what to do here. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Will I write this and it will all just go away tomorrow? Many problems seem to happen that way. All I know is that right now, this sucks and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. More than one person is crying tonight and I don't want it to go down like that.....

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

One of my goals this year is to complete more random acts of kindness. I had a whole game plan to spend my entire birthday doing just this, but funds are tight after the holidays so while I still will do this I have to do those deeds that don't cost money.

I've seen so many people this holiday season talk about someone buying them a drink while in line at Starbucks, I even did this myself two times. It was great to hear about this happening, I just hope it continues through the year. We all so often get generous at the holidays and then selfish the rest of the year.

Doing a random act of kindness can be simple. Ask someone that looks lost if they need your help, help an elderly person put groceries in their car, take your shopping cart back up to the store. The key is JUST HELP.

Today I did something that may have been foolish, but I feel like I have a solid head on my shoulders. I was talking to my mom on the phone and was sitting in the parking lot at work. I had noticed a car while driving in stalled on the side of the road. The man got the car going but it died again right outside of our parking lot. A bunch of men went over to help him push the car. They all mingled around talking to him and then left him there. The gardeners gave him a gas can, but then left him there. He stood on the side of the road to flag down a tow truck...who just drove right past him. He talked to another man in the parking lot and again was just left. He had made eye contact with me at one point while I was in my car but saw that I was on the phone and walked away.

Finally I asked my Mom to hold on, opened my door and asked if he needed help. He asked if I could take him to get some gas or take the can and put some gas in it..with money he provided. I told him I would take him. I then told my Mom I had to go as I was going to help a man get gas.

Once he was in the car I got a little scared. What the hell was I thinking? I'm a Mom, I have people who rely on me! I'm letting a stranger in my car. I've watched enough horror movies to know that's when it goes bad. The girl says, "I'll call you back, I'm going to help someone."

Turns out this guy was late for an interview. He had taken the day off to try and find a better job that was full time and was now late because he ran out of gas. His car had been stuck in the floods a month ago and all of his electrical keeps shorting out. He thought he had a half a tank. We got him gas and got him back so he could start his car.

Could it have gone bad? Yes. Was I certain it wasn't going to? Pretty much. I sometimes think maybe we don't help people because we are so afraid that everyone is the bad guy. We watch too many horror movies. We see to many bad things happen and we get jaded to all the good in the world. We spend our days staring at computer screens and phone screens and have lost touch with what it is like to even interact with people on a face to face basis. It makes us uncomfortable.

I'm not telling you to let some stranger get in your car, but put your phone down every once in a while. Look at all the good there is and see if maybe, just maybe...there is someone out there that you can help. Someone whose day you might take from bad to good.

Saturday, January 05, 2013

I really didn't want to start this year really thinking that I was going to make resolutions. On the other hand I really felt like I wanted to make a list of goals and was inspired by Motley Mama and her 2012 Project. So I decide to participate this year and break it up into monthly goals.

Here's what I plan on doing in 2013:

January
Write a snail mail letter to my grandmothers each week and include a photo of Leyton. I'm REALLY bad at calling my gma's. I'm even worse at writing them. Each week this month I will send them a little letter saying hello and since they love Leyton might as well give them a cute photo too!

February
Complete a random act of kindness each day. I've been working on a list of things I would like to do each day.

March
Attend a budget and debt class. I've been doing some research to find one that looks good.

April
Swim or walk for an hour at least every....single....day! I was going to go with swimming only but I know I will be out of town for a weekend so I'll have to walk then.

May
Eat family dinner together each night. Since Leyton goes to bed early it is at times hard for us to all eat together. I'm going to make it my mission to eat together each night this month.

June
No spending month. Zilch, nada, nothing. No Target dollar bin items, no special beverages, no clothes, no magazines. You get it. I can only spend money on groceries and my normal bills.

July
Knit every day. This may be the same project, but every day I want to make time to knit..for at least 1 hour.

August
Read every day. Same as above but pick up a book and read for at least one hour each day.

September
No Facebook. I know this seems so silly but I do spend far too much time on there. I can't give up Instagram because I use it to document photos of Leyton and I need a computer at work so being off the internet is not an option. At least I can do Facebook though.

OctoberNo playing on my phone while Leyton is around. No checking emails, browsing Instagram, texting, etc. I will still use it to take pictures and post those to Instagram but I will save all my internet/fun browsing for when Leyton is asleep.

November
Complete another two week detox/cleanse.

December
Give at least 75% handmade gifts for Christmas.

There you go! There's my list! Have you set any goals for yourself this year?

Friday, January 04, 2013

You thought I fell completely off the wagon didn't you and that I was just going to avoid talking about the elephant in the room? Nope, not going to happen. The holidays are over, my goal...to stay the same weight between Thanksgiving and New Years. Did it happen? Nope. I'm up 3 pounds. Am I freaked out about it? Nope. I know what I did to put on those three pounds and I know how quickly I can take it off. And, while I did put on three pounds, I was not as unhealthy as I would have been.

I over-indulged for sure. I ate more sugar that I should have and at times not as many whole foods as I should have. The thing is, that is going to happen and it's important for me to realize that and to cut myself some slack sometimes.

So, first up...no more drinking. I'm not a big drinker but lately I have too often enjoyed a drink. It's time to cut that back out. Also, get the sugar in check. Thankfully there are not as many sweets lying around as there were a couple weeks ago so this will be easier to do.

One thing I am super super proud of...I have still had no soda. When I gave up soda I knew I wanted that one thing to be forever. I didn't want to have it ever again. Oh at times that has been so hard. I went to two movies this past week and wanted nothing more than to get a soda...but I didn't. I got a giant water instead.

In February I'm going to do another system reboot. I want to do that every three months. It won't be for two full weeks, probably just a week this time. I'm also still juicing and will start back on my morning juice tomorrow. I really enjoy that as breakfast and it just sets such a good tone for the rest of the day. Plus, Leyton has started drinking some of it too and lord knows that boy needs some veggies!!

Finally, I need to get back into the pool. I took a break because I got a tattoo and couldn't swim for a while, but now it is time. It's HARD to go back because it is so freaking cold right now and the pool is outside...eek. No more excuses though. The gym I go to also has a challenge that I might look into starting to give me more motivation to try some other things. There is an orientation about it on the 10th.

So, there you go. I'm 3 pounds heavier and it's not the end of the world. Every minute I get a chance to make it better and the next minute just started now.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

I feel like 2012 was the year of absence from this blog. I just haven't felt it. I've thought about throwing in the towel many times...but I just can't. It's like the boyfriend I can't break up with, the friend I can't let go of. The thing is, the blog helps me out. I might not write a lot anymore but when I do write it helps me clear out the cobwebs of my mind.

So, here I sit on January 2nd reflecting and thinking about how I want this year to be different. Does that make it a resolution?

Overall I feel like I want to find more balance this year. Balance in the way I eat, balance in the way I parent, balance in work, etc. etc. I want to open my eyes and realize all that I have, not constantly just have my eyes open to the things I want to have. I want to write more. I want to read more. I want to knit and create more. I want to be a better version of me.

My birthday is just over two weeks away. I have something in the works for that day and will share it with you tomorrow as I gather my thoughts more.

Here's hoping you had a great year in 2012 and find everything you are looking for in 2013.