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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Add a little weirdness to the mix.

This is odd. I get the impression that Bub has begun playing into the typical all-American, man of the house, bread-winner type role, now that he is regularly employed. It's like he wants to be like all the other working husbands and fathers, talking about his day at work, office politics, interpersonal relationships, and trying to fall into the normal workday routine. It's like he has this picture in his head of what the typical working man should look and act like, and since he's never been the typical working man, he's trying to fit himself into that mold. He even came at me a little differently last night as well. It wasn't his usual belligerent lecture about me not listening to precisely what he says and acting accordingly, rather, it was more of a pleading, like "why don't you get what I'm saying to you, and why do you react this way or that, to what I say?" This was prefaced by, "the last thing I want to do is come home from work and fight" It was weird, and completely unlike him, although still loud and condescending (we were in the middle of WalMart- UGH, I hate that! *cringe*) but that's nothing new. Honestly though, I think it was because he is playing into this role, and, to him, that's how a socially accepted member of the normal working force of dads and husbands are supposed to act. I'm not really sure how to take this weirdness at this point. Should I play into his little facade, and try to enjoy some normalcy, while perhaps, working on some of the communication issues we have, while he's in this more receptive state? Or, is it just a matter of time before the facade crumbles, and I'm left to face the consequences of having allowed myself to relax and be more open around him? Maybe his new behavior will give me the opportunity to redirect the disastrous course this marriage has taken, and possibly correct some of the assumptions and stereotypes he's made about me as a wife, mother, and woman. But then, I have to wonder, is it really worth bothering with? If he really does change for the better, is that gonna make me like him any more? Or make me change my mind about the fact that I don't believe we belong together? I highly doubt it, he is, after all, still the same person. And it's the person that I take such issue with. His underlying personality, what makes him who he is, is essentially what I dislike about him so. I just don't see the man he is, changing in such a profound way, to actually allow me to enjoy being around him. But, at least, if he sticks with this new roll, I will be able to better tolerate him and this situation I force myself to stay in. Regardless of what is happening now, or what is still to come, at least he is providing for his family the way he should. And when I dropped him off at the office this morning, I just couldn't seem to wipe the big 'ol cheesy grin off my face. FINALLY, we can try to live like "regular" folks do! Wonder why this means so much to me??

2 Comments:

Jilly said...

It seems you've craved "normalcy" for so long in all aspects of your life ~ from your physical appearance to your marital situation and everything in-between (though who can tell what "normal" actually is ~ I still haven't figured that one out). I can certainly see how having Bub earn a family wage and trying to act like, oh, I don't know...Ward Cleaver or Mike Brady, could be a very nice change from his past persona, but I also understand you being reluctant to let down your guard because he can be so unpredictable. I say just try to relax and enjoy what you have now and not worry about whether he's turned over a new leaf or whether you're willing to put forth the effort to really try and understand what makes him tick. Sit back and soak up all the "normal" right now and think about all that other stuff later, after all, tomorrow is another day! ;)