Sunday, December 20, 2009

Reflections and a Prayer

A cold day today...having traveled north away from San Diego for the holidays...and of course the meetings that go with a complicated life...but actually left early to attend a funeral yesterday...

...What can one say when you attend a memorial service for a beautiful, bright, witty and outstanding young woman?...words seem to fail us in such moments...although her brother, a young man I have known and admired for many years...spoke with a poignant embrace of his sister and spark of hope in the midst of tears...leaving me at one moment in tears and the next with a smile...may all people have a sibling, friend or colleague who shares in such a way of their own passing some day...

....It brought back many memories...too many actually...because I think that I have attended 16 funerals of family members since my high school years...including my brother, father, all of my uncles, cousins, and of course my grandparents...and those who know me and my past recall Bill and Dave as well...brothers in arms...and while I cannot call them I can recall them...still...and miss them...reflections...

...For me one of the most difficult parts of staying while others go is forgetting their voice, smell, laugh and tone...I cannot now recall my brother's and father's voice...I try but can't...it has passed me and is now lost...nor do I even think I would recognize it if I heard a recording of it...and perhaps to do so would rob me of something...teasing me of what cannot be and the replaying would be a disappointment....

...I recall my grandfather's peculiar smell...of woodworking...Prince Albert tobacco...a well worn shirt kept too long from soap...whiskers...the unusual and unique combination of things that are in some sense as much of one's being as their DNA...and when I cleaned out his woodshop 20 some years ago I sat alone and wondered of his life...and had regret that while he had lived a long life that there was so much I did not know...of him and his own hopes and dreams and aspirations...of the victories and the losses...and some years later when I went to the grave in Hayward of his young daughter...the sister of my father...who had died so long ago...I wondered how he had felt that day...and how long the pain stayed...and when the smell of young Lucille too faded...away and lost forever...

...so I suppose that just a few days before Christmas I am struck with the loss of this young woman all the more...trying to make sense of non-sense...and I know that somehow I must make peace with this event...between God and I and all the rest...as I have had to do too many times before...and wonder if I am and have been a good husband, father, person and friend...and know that I have not...

...and I simply wish that I could somehow develop an appreciation and awareness that I lack....and yearn for but know that this side of eternity it will elude me...

1 comment:

Great post. This is all important stuff that comes up during the Holidays. I appreciate the advice you've given me over the past few years as I've been going through a similar process. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and time to slow down to remember memories of those who can't spend this Christmas with the Ataide family.