Posts Tagged ‘engineers’

Not everyone has an engineer in his or her life, but those of us who do must admit that the way engineers look at life is amazing and amusing to the rest of us. Several things in life lately have reminded me of this, and so I thought I would post some engineer humor that has accumulated in my files. Engineers are among the most revered professionals in France, and so it is fitting that the first joke about engineers go way back in French history.

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution, the revolting citizens led an physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer to the guillotine where they were sentenced to die. As the physicist is led to the guillotine, he decides that he'd like to observe the blade as it falls, perhaps to verify, and requests to be strapped in face up. The executioner agrees (why not? it all pays the same...), and straps him in as requested. As the blade falls, it sticks about two thirds of the way down. Seeing this, the crowd cheers — the physicist must be innocent! So the executioner unstraps him and sets him free.

The mathematician is next. Being well versed in all matters statistical (perhaps he is an actuary), he quickly asks to be placed face up as well — after all, the odds of its happening again are pretty good, especially if the initial conditions are similar. So the executioner obliges, and once again, the blade sticks about two thirds of the way down. Again the crowd cheers, and the mathematician is also set free.

Finally, the engineer. Not willing to do anything in public that is different from his peers, he also requests to be placed face up. As the executioner is strapping him in, the engineer is looking up at the blade and studying the track in which it slides. As he does so, he notices something. "Do you see that?" he asks. "About one third of the way up? If you fixed that...."

Have you ever visited the Creation Museum near Cincinnati, Ohio? This past Friday my wife and I were finally able to, and it is well worth the trip! We had heard good things from many who have visited, and our expectations were exceeded. It was really exciting to see something so well done that glorifies the Creator God of the Bible. There are so many forces at work in today's world trying to tear down faith in the Bible and the God of the Bible. It's a huge blessing to find a place whose goal is just the opposite of that. If you have never visited, we strongly recommend it.

Here's a picture of the display that showed how Noah's ark may have looked during construction.

Thinking about Noah's ark made me think of something I've been wanting to post.

Could Noah build his ark today?

If Noah lived in the United States today, the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an ark."

God delivered the specifications for the ark. With fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He said. "Where is the ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

"Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a map.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the ark as a "recreational watercraft.

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the ark for another five or six years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord. "I don't have to. The government is already doing the destruction."

My wife Becka and I are spending this week at the home of our daughter Megan, son-in-law Jim, and grandson Drew. Grandma and I took Drew for a walk this evening to a nearby park where he enjoyed swinging. Here's a picture of him clapping to show his enjoyment.

This past weekend Becka and I drove up to Cincinnati, Ohio, for the wedding of our nephew Matt, the son of Becka's sister Pam and brother-in-law Jim. We left right after my last class on Friday and arrived in Cinti six and a half hours later. The travel conditions were basically perfect, much to our delight. Megan, Jim, and Drew drove down from Detroit on Saturday. While waiting for them to arrive in time for the wedding at 1:00 p.m., Becka and I had Saturday morning to explore a little.

We decided that the hotel where we stayed could be where we'd like to retire to some day. It reminded us of the something in my files that I will have to post some time called "No Nursing Home for Me" where you learn that it would be cheaper to live in a hotel than to go to a nursing home. That was the case with our hotel, a Comfort Inn very close to Kings Island amusement park. With our discount with the BJU Alumni Association, our room was under $50 a night. This included free cable TV (which we don't even have at home!), free high speed internet, and a nice continental breakfast. A one-minute walk from the front door is a White Castle hamburger joint. (no thanks!) But also within easy walking distance are McDonald's, Olive Garden, Cracker Barrel, Bob Evans, and many, many more.

We had long heard of Cincinnati chili, but we got to experience it for lunch on Saturday at Skyline Chili. We each got a 5-way chili on spaghetti, and WOW! What a treat! The young people working in there told us two of the secret ingredients that they knew of in the chili sauce - cinnamon and chocolate. It sounds potentially ghastly, but it was really good! Becka had actually guessed cinnamon when she tasted it, but the chocolate was a surprise.

We had hoped to try Graeter's ice cream, another Cincinnati legend and supposedly the best ice cream in the world, while in town, but we didn't get a chance. Next time....

We really enjoyed getting to be at the wedding and seeing Pam, Jim, and their family. Here's a shot of all of our nephew Matthew's side of the family who were at the wedding...

And of course, we thoroughly enjoyed getting to see Jim, Meg, and Drew and get another "grandparent fix." Though the wedding reception was lively and fun, Drew found it tiring...

Saturday evening the parents of our new niece Katy, Matt's bride, invited all family members to come to their house for dinner. It was good to get to know some of Katy's family and to spend some time with our own family too.

Here's a picture of Becka and her sister Pam with their grandsons...

Here's a picture of our niece Shannon, our daughter Megan and their sons...

That evening back at the hotel, Becka and I enjoyed giving Drew a bath in our sink. Here's our little bathing beauty...

After spending Sunday morning together, we had to go our separate ways. Alas! Becka and I drove back to Greenville, and Megan, Jim, and Drew took in Drew's first baseball game. Here's a picture of them before rain ended their fun in the 5th inning and sent them on their drive back to Detroit...

Since Cincinnati is on the Ohio River, there are several bridges joining the Ohio and Kentucky parts of the city. This weekend I received an e-mail about a bridge incident that seemed like the perfect thing to share in this blog post about our weekend in Cincinnati.

Engineering Question of the Day

Q: How much does a house weigh?

A: Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

So would this be accident be covered by house insurance, car insurance, or would it fall under roadside assistance?

And how in the world would you get the house picked up without ruining it?

Carolina chickadee update...

Here's a picture of the babies this afternoon, five days after the last picture I posted...

quotation...

"Be a good commercial for God with your body." - Dr. Daniel Borkert

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Someone recently told me that I thought like an engineer. I wasn't offended and didn't ask why, but I'm not quite sure why either. Hmm.... The comment did make me think of some humor in my files about engineers. If you're an engineer, you may not think these are as funny as those who know you do. People who deal with engineers, though, know that many of them see life from a very different perspective from that of most folks. After reading through the material again, I thought that maybe the comment had at least a tiny bit of validity. 😎

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers to move on ahead of them. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. Then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "You know, really, these guys could play at night."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll be yours forever."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm actually a beautiful princess and that I'll be yours forever. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

You may be an engineer if...

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape frequently for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes only five minutes to run.

If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.

If you have saved the power cords from all your broken appliances.

If you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

If you see a good design and still have to change it.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.

If choosing whether to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

If you take a cruise so that you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

If at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

If you sit backwards on the Disney World rides to see how they do the special effects.

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

If you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

This week we teachers at BJU are busily working in our offices and attending meetings, getting everything ready to begin university classes on August 30. We're praying for safe journies for our students as they come from all corners of the world in the next few days.

quotation...

"With the passage of time, I'm more and more struck by how abnormal 'normal' is." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
Rob

The optimist sees a glass that is half full. The pessimist sees a glass that is half empty. The engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.

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a little about me…

My name is Rob Loach and I welcome you to my blog. People come here for an "instant vacation." You can learn more about me and about my instant vacations, including why my blog is called "ivman's blague," by visiting the about page, where you can watch my TV interview about my blog. My site is thirteen years old, so check out the tabs at the top of this page, subjects of interest to you in the tag cloud (below), and older blog posts (about 750 of them) not on the home page of the blog. Though I am posting less often than at first, there's still lots of archived humor here for you to enjoy!

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