Rihanna’s been on my mind a lot lately. I mean, it’s been kinda hard to escape her during these last couple of months and…OK, it’s been hard to escape her during these last couple of YEARS, but lately it seems as if Robyn Fenty is one of only five celebrities that any media outlet wants to talk about. And matter of fact, her name is still all up in the muphuckin’ mix when they’re talking about two of the other godsdamned four. So yeah, currently 60% of all pop culture news (read: garbage) is about Rihanna. Shit, a lot of regular news is about Rihanna right now. On the real, I heard on NPR that if the Supreme Court had struck down the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act that the president was gonna talk that talk, repackage the shit as RihannaCare, and push it right on through Congress. Yep.

Now properly contextualized, it certainly should not come as a shock that the woman who dominates any media vehicle capable of showcasing an image would also be occupying a lot of real estate in my brain, even without me knowing it. I mean, that’s the only explanation that I can think of for why she would show up in my dreams, engaged in a loving, committed, and playfully affectionate romance with yours truly. Well, there’s the fact that she’s a terrifyingly fine ass woman with more sex appeal in her left nostril than most women have in the midst of their most powerful, self-induced orgasms (yep, I’m on to THAT shit), but that’s beside the point. I am absolutely not a Rihanna stan. I appreciate her as an artist, as a personality, and as a beauty, but I in no way suffer from the illusion that I possess some kind of personal relationship with Ms. Fenty.

Still, the mental experience of having said relationship felt AMAZESAUCE. It seemed so real in fact that I decided to write a song about it…kinda. Actually, “Robyn’s Song” is really a dedication to Rihanna from a dude who has the same experience that I did, but ends up affected in a fundamentally different way. Instead of saying, “Wow, that was fantastic. How sad that my real dating life is somewhat less interesting, but I should really get out of bed now,” he wakes up with a heavy heart and a profound longing for a lost love that never was. He feels deeply for her, wishes nothing but the best for her, and in his heart and mind, he’s truly linked to this unattainable star. Meanwhile, she’ll remain the object of his unrequited affection from now until Rihanna turns good again, AKA forever. Ahhh, love: you gorgeous, horrible, heartbreaking thing.

Here’s hoping that you listen to this with the object of your stalking in mind. Enjoy, and devil fingers salute!