Kissing Suzy Kolber » America!http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com
KSK is a humor site about the NFL.Tue, 03 Mar 2015 21:14:51 +0000en-UShourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0KSK Mock Draft: The most American thingshttp://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/07/ksk-mock-draft-the-most-american-things.html
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/07/ksk-mock-draft-the-most-american-things.html#commentsThu, 03 Jul 2014 15:06:17 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=89685Happy Fourth of July eve everyone! The most lazily named holiday probably because all of our energy was expended from having to do such tiny, perfect handwriting on the Declaration of Independence. If there’s one solid argument to make about how there is definitely no treasure map on our nation’s founding documents, it’s that there’s no possible way to draw a secret code inside of a document that is writen in 3 pt Helvitica font BY HAND.

We’re doing a mock draft a day early because we won’t be here to publish it, and you won’t be around to read it tomorrow. We’re selecting the most American things we can think of, and we hope you’ll join in.

1. Eric Sollenberger selects- Light beer

It’s cheap and it’s everywhere. It doesn’t let all that nuanced crap like “flavor” get in the way of drinking a million of them. It is means to an end, and it is perfect.

2. Trevor Risk selects- Those “and TWINS” commercials.

Probably the most American thing I can think of.

3. Johnny Sugar selects- Bruce Springsteen

I could explain that pick in depth, but I’ll sound like a pretentious ass.

Springsteen fucking rules.

4. StuScottBooyahs selects- Football

/draft

5. Old James selects- Freedom of Speech

“American Hustle” wasn’t very good. There, I said it.

6. PFT Commenter selects- The America dream

Which means nowdays that even a the smallest immegrant boy can oneday grow up to be any thing he wants even president

7. Christmas Ape selects- Drive-thru weddings

8. Sarah Sprague selects- Bill Murray

9. Dave Rappoccio selects- Michael Bay

*BOOM*

10. Big Sandy selects- Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

SI

The puberty cornerstone of so many American lives.

ROUND 2

11. Big Sandy selects- NASCAR

We go to war over oil, yet every year there are 36 races in which 40-plus cars line up to drive in a circle for 400 to 600 miles, burning through so much gas, oil, exhaust, and rubber that you can feel the hole in the ozone grilling you in Talledega all while Billy screams obscenities at Jeff Gordon from the the lawn chair on top of his RV parked in the infield grass. It is excess, it is waste, it is a spectacle. It is America.

12. Dave Rappoccio selects- Fat people on motor scooters with american flags shopping at Walmart

Wonkette

13. Sarah Sprague selects- Dolly Parton

14. Christmas Ape selects- Jazz

15. PFT Commenter selects- Having a dog

No other country’s are as good as us at owning cool dogs and teacheing them tricks like “get me a beer” and “quit being scare of fireworks”

16. Old James selects- This song:

I spent a good amount of time considering taking porn with this pick. Which, in itself, means we live in the greatest country on Earth. No song describes that patriotic feeling better.

17. StuScottBooyahs selects- Has no one drafted “losing in the World Cup”?

Playing in Cleveland is apparently worse than we thought and it has little to do with the fact that the city is already Cleveland. A pair of former NFL players are suing the City of Cleveland because they say the city’s method of taxing visiting athletes – referred to as the “jock tax” – is totally illegal. Jess Saturday and Hunter Hillenmeyer are alleging that Cleveland’s formula for taxing visiting athletes penalizes them more than it does non-athlete visitors who have to pay taxes for income earned while working in Cleveland. In a move that’s absolutely shocking, the city’s lawyers say the law is totes okay and the city’s tax board agreed. Take THAT, Baltimore Ravens.

I mean, math is hard, and all, but the method the city of Cleveland is currently using is really confusing and byzantine and just reading over it makes me want to buy one of those “DON’T TREAD ON ME” flags to hang from the window of my shanty.

Cleveland determines players’ taxable income by taking the number of games their team played in the city that year while they were on the roster and dividing it by the total number of preseason, regular season, and playoff games they were available to play in.

In Hillenmeyer’s case, that means 1/20th of his income was taxed by the city in 2004 and 2006, as he played one game in Cleveland each year and was eligible to play in 20 total games, according to his appeal. In 2005, Hillenmeyer played one game in Cleveland Browns Stadium and was available to play in 21 Bears games, according to the document.

Both players say that such a law assumes the players only “work” on game days, which don’t include “duty days” of practice, training camps, and other team-related activities which the players say should count as work days, meaning they’d be taxed for working one day in Cleveland out of a possible 150ish days (according to Hillenmeyer) and, thus, pay a lower tax to Cleveland. And there are other weird loopholes, like the fact Saturday was taxed for “working” a Colts-Browns game in 2008 in which Saturday wasn’t even in Ohio (he was rehabbing an injury back in Indiana).

Taxing visiting athletes isn’t new, but the lawsuit is an attempt by the NFLPA to make the process in Cleveland more fair; Cincinnati, which also benefits from not being Cleveland, taxes players by the full “duty days” method. Cleveland, meanwhile, claims the NFLPA is just strong-arming them. They also say changing the law would cost the city $1 million, over 70 percent of which comes from NFL players, meaning the city will have to find another way to keep rivers from catching on fire again.

As confusing as this all is, none of this should be confused with the overwhelming feeling of depression and desperation that settles in on an individual when they cross the city limits, commonly referred to as “The Cleveland Soul Tax.”

Osama bin Laden has been killed by American forces in Pakistan. With the death of the leader of al-Qaeda, the United States can close a chapter in its so-called “war on terror.” This latest conquest has really been a source of exaltation, relief and joy for American people across the country. This is amazing news for America, for the Middle East, and the world.

Although…

As a Christian man, I really have to condemn the celebration of a man’s death. I am ashamed that a gathering of young people in front of the White House decided to chant songs and jingoistic tunes while acknowledging the death of a religious leader? Does his killing correct all of the wrongs bin Laden committed in his life?

Why must we be such a vengeful people? Why can we not simply honor the memories of the thousands that died during the events 9/11 and the ensuing invasions in the Middle East? How can we allow a man’s death–any man–be the cause of cheering in the streets?

Haven’t we gone too far?

Tony, do you ever shut the fuck up?

Lemme ask you something. How do you grieve for a man that got out of bed every day thinking of new ways to kill Americans. Yes, a man has been killed. Three men and a woman, to be exact. One of those men was a dangerous human being that could have coordinated other attacks against us. Maybe if you weren’t paying so much attention to the stupid little bullshit in your life, you’d understand the severity of the conflict that exists in this world. Almost 200 people were killed in a tornado less than a week ago. You didn’t give them a second thought before steam-pressing your khakis before the weekend, now did ya?

We don’t live in a world of ideals. We live in a world of men, and sometimes the world is better off when a certain towelhead gets what’s coming to him. Was it within America’s rights to kill that motherfucker? Maybe it wasn’t, but that asshole shoulda realized that he might have been a casualty in his own damn war. Osama bin Fuckface set out to destroy America, but now it looks like the camel-shit-infested sandal is on the other foot now.

Let us celebrate this as we like. Let’s come together as a country for a day and celebrate the fact that someone tried to fuck with us, and then HE was the one that got fucked. This will be joyous for some and bittersweet for others, especially for those who lost loved ones in New York, the Pentagon, Afghanistan, Iraq, or even Libya, for whatever the fuck we’re doing there. This is America. This is the country and the civilization that Osama bin Laden tried to destroy. And we OWNED HIS ASS. Now take off the skirt, Tony Dungy, and dance on that towelhead’s grave like the proud American I know you are!

Oh, and if Obama can get them other crazy fools at TSA to stop grabbin my junk, that’d be great.