Well, after a great deal of time (Holy Deadline, Batman!) and a couple of failed attempts, I finally got my mistletoe together to post this. I'm such a non-posting dork, I had to set up a Photobucket account for the first time, as my years-old-yet-rarely-used ImageShack account wasn't working for me (which is too bad, really, because I was gonna make each and every one of these pictures sparkle like a mother frakker).

As I mentioned in a previous post, I got a package from Archie McPhee! It's a great store based in Seattle, full of wacky stuff sure to please any I-Mockery fan.

Always a good sign!

I took a look at the box, and was instantly thrilled at the possibilities:

Corn?!? I freaking LOVE corn!!

But alas, I was not going to be eating delicious La Hacienda corn that evening. The contents would turn out to be even better! When I opened the box, I found something inside: another box! But this was no ordinary box, it was super awesome:

It says so right on the box!

Yes, it's Super Awesome all right. It's Archie McPhee's grab-bag surprise box, and I couldn't wait to check it out. But when I removed the Super Awesome box from the almost-as-awesome corn container, I saw this:

A stowaway and his lunch!

But more on those in a moment, as I was also able to get the packing slip out at that point. It included a personal note from the sender, which reads as follows:

"Hey, Johnny Quest! It's -RoG- from I-Mockery.com and I'm your Secret Santa this year! Hope you enjoy this super awesome surprise box o' goodies from one of my favorite companies. I also threw in an extra set of pickle fingers, because it just wouldn't be a"

That's right, my Secret Santa was RoG, the head mocker himself! Thanks again for the thoughtful gift, RB! But his message appears to have been cut off before he finished. It was probably some sort of text-field error, but I like to picture RoG sitting at his desk typing it, when all of a sudden he's tackled by Abobo! Mystery...

Oh, and speaking of pickle fingers:

A Nightmare on Pickle Street!

Yes, pickle fingers. And don't ask why, or I will slash you with briny death.
Also in the outer box was this little unadvertised guy:

Crazy gorilla thumb puppet!

Then, still giddy with the reveal of my Celebrity Secret Santa, and having whetted my appetite with a couple of fun items, it was on to the main event!

Super Awesome, no matter which angle you view it.

This box is chock full of fun stuff! Just look at it - where to begin:

Yippee! Stuff!

First out of the box are these little people. There are a few different ones, they look like business people, about one inch tall, and all very serious. Maybe they're game pieces, or the population of some city diorama:

"Welcome to our office. Please wear grey."

They could be used as extras when you pretend to be Godzilla! They could also be from some cubicle-dweller playset, I don't know. But then they did this, and I started to have a clue:

So either a Starbucks or Apple Store playset.

I'm dividing this into two posts, so as to not break my aging computer. Tune in next time, as we continue to explore the super awesome contents of the Super Awesome box!

So I received a magical box from the strange land of Canada with the following wrapped gifts, as well as some letters.

So the first package had powdery sugar candy canes. Cocaine canes. Sent internationally.

The second was a Transformer, with product placement by Lowe's. When I was a kid all we got were die-cast metal robots. This is much better, because it actually confused me when I tried to Transform it! This toy was officially more complex than every game released in 2011.

And what else? More robots! Robots that help me keep track of time! Happy 2009 everyone!

So the next package was DVD-shaped. So I think, it's "Transformers" on DVD of some variant, right? Well, my secret Santa was better than that. He knew. He mentioned this in one of his letters. Tricky bastard!

So the next package had more goddamn awesome robot shit in it. As it turns out, I didn't own either of these, so my Santa guessed right! Cyborg Justice is notorious more it's bumping robot dance techno, so I can't wait to play it again after all these years. Too bad my Genesis is still in New York D:

So, get this. In Canada, milk comes in bags. Additionally, candy packages open open upside-down.

Also, my gifts combined (like Combaticons!) into a car on a ramp! Sexy!

Amazing look at all of my presents From Babs before the wrapping paper was shredded with the force of a hundred honey badgers on crack.
(I may've exaggerated slightly)

First thing I opened! CANDY GLORIOUS SUGARY CANDY! AND COOKIES, TRIPLE CHOCOLATE. But I digress from everything else because of the delcious sweet tarts sour patch kids cookies and toblerone.....

The letter said he wanted to take Santa out of the picture. What better way than with an excellent horror movie!

Next up we have an Eldridge tome written by none other than HP Lovecraft(and others) Have to include the others or they may get jealous and strangle me.... why is it suddenly drafty in here.... somethings not right

Nah Just my imagination running wild...... wait what is that on my shoulder...

HOOOLLLLYYYY

FUCCCKKKINNNGGG

SHIT BURGERS..... It's my own cuddly eldritch god.. I shall feed him the souls of the damned and the not so damned, so long as I'm not on the menu......

And finally an awesome Horror comic by the name of GOre Shriek.... I've only skimmed the first few pages but I love older horror comics so I'm sure I'll love it once I get time to read it!

So here's a group shot. A big thank you to Babality pancakes for making my christmas a very black christmas(albeit sugared up)

No, you're fine. I got your package last week, but I've been busy moving. And then I lost the USB cord for my camera.

But I finally found it, and so without further ado, my SS package from Guitar Woman:

Thankfully, the package made its way to my doorstep in spite of the fact that my name was misspelled on the address labels. "Bowler"? Oh, Cliff.

Such an unassuming box, but loaded with such goodies:

Delicious Sour Patch Kids! I admit that as I was opening the box, I was secretly hoping to find some candy inside, and I do love sour candies. Mmm mm!

I was definitely not expecting a bottle of scotch. I'm not much of a drinker myself, but the note that came with the box assured me that this is the good stuff. And if nothing else, I've got a couple nice shot glasses!

Star Wars merchandise that both delights eyes and tantalizes the taste buds all at once? Count me in! Now if only I could remember where I packed my baking ingredients...

Mmm, more tasty snacks... I assume. I haven't gotten around to trying them to decide if these were meant as joke gifts or real snacks.

Bacon toothpaste and dental floss! Now I finally have a way to make my breath smell like bacon without eating any bacon! I wonder when Mr. Bacon's life began; would it be when he was first shaved off a pig's torso, or was it shortly after he was transformed from a raw, greasy strip of fat into a crinkly ribbon of cooked meat?

I'm hungry.

Every month is Halloween when you've got the zombie calendar! Who do you have telling you what day it is, Dilbert? Fuck you.

Also included were some... potatoes. Now I can make home fries for Christmas dinner!

Bear earmuffs. It doesn't get cold enough to wear earmuffs in southern California very often, but when it does, I'll be ready. Ready and fuzzy.

The Freeloader Fork, a telescopic fork for annoying dinner guests up to 2 feet away. Look at that extending action:

Ooh! Ah!

I don't know what these little plastic guns are for, but I've got two of them. Maybe they tie in with the potatoes somehow. Or maybe they're just blackhead guns. Could go either way.

All in all, a pretty good haul this year. Nicely done, GW.

__________________
Dr. Boogie: Everything is so simple when you have a rocket launcher for an arm!

You know, in this economy it's always a good idea to get the most sound financial advice you can, and Super Awesome has got me covered with my very own Wall Street Financial Guru:

The Official Sphere of the 1%!

Since I already make most of my personal, culinary and relationship decisions based on 8-ball technology, this one's right up my alley. Or should I say street - Wall Street, that is!
In the spirit of the season, I'd like to share with you some of the Guru's hot financial advice:

Mmmmm, bacon...

I'm also investing in Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice futures, based on a hot tip from my brokers, Winthorpe & Valentine.

This talk about food is making me hungry, but that's no problem, as Super Awesome has you covered at mealtime as well:

Two place settings, meatloaf, and even after-dinner mints! Plus, I'm not sure if it's real, but I would totally eat at The Cricket Steak House, which either has really big crickets or really small chickens. Doesn't matter.

And if you're thirsty, here's a lovely beverage:

A little salty, but so smooooth!

I've never had Mr. Snot Energy Drink before. That's all I'm gonna say. I immediately pounded it down (well, as quickly as it slithered out of the jug), and now I've got a nifty reusable sports bottle!

And it's a good thing that some food was included, because the box's population was not limited to dour businesspeople and a rogue gorilla! Let's check out the action figures, sprung to plastic life from the pages of literature, music and history:

He's trying to use his cane to escape from the blister pack!

That's right, 19th century adventurer and superhero Oscar Wilde. Oh, man, I'm afraid my other action figures are gonna beat the crap out of him. Charm them with a witty bon mot, Oscar! On second thought, use your cane!! Oh, who will protect the poet? Wait a minute, Li'l Ludwig looks pretty tough:

You talking to me? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?

If he can get out of that box, Beethoven will kick. your. ass. Plus, he comes with the best possible accessory: a free comic! "Oh, Li'l Ludwig, what hijinks are you up to NOW?"

If you have any doubt at this point about the super awesome nature of this Super Awesome gift (and really, why would you? How could you?), here's the clincher:

It's right on the package, people!

I'm not sure whether that kid is super excited, or frozen in abject terror. Either way he manages to be completely dead-eyed. Super Awesome!

Take a look at the cards:

I defy you to tell me that any of these are not Super Awesome!

The cards are great, and have fun facts on the back. Each one is undeniably awesome, but I think this may be my favorite:

Is it more awesome because it's raw? You decide! (But the answer is yes.)

Well, we're down to the last few items in the box (Can you believe it? What a journey we've taken!). Here's one that will be fun to decorate with during next year's Two Months of Halloween:

My kids already look like this.

The package comes with three sets of mirror clings, which should be enough to also put them on my TV during the news. Monster anchors!

And now the last couple of items, some Devil Duckie bandages and fifteen Texas Hold 'Em poker chips!

As used at The Drunken Gunslinger Hotel & Casino!

I haven't opened the bandages yet - I'm a little afraid to find out what kind of toy is appropriate to include with a wound care product.

And that's about it. Oh, I could have taken a few more pictures, I guess - shown that the mints were football shaped, and had little to no taste of penguin; or served up the meatloaf (recipe: inflate.), but that would have taken me even more time, and Christmas is almost upon us! Thanks again, Santa, and Happy Holidays to everyone in the I-Mockery community!

Last edited by JohnnyQuest : Dec 23rd, 2011 at 04:01 AM.
Reason: To make the words more gooder.

Ho, Ho, Holy crap! What amazing holiday hauls!
It looks like you guys just gave a quick to the spending limit as you went on your merry way.
And yes I know there's no maximum spending limit, I'm just jealous of all the awesome stuff.

Dr. Boogie: I would much sooner eat the Larvets than the bacon flavored toothpaste, they're actually pretty good.
You have to chew the crickets quite a bit or they'll get caught in your throat like popcorn kernels though.

JohnnyQuest: Well done on the photo tour of the immense amount of awesome!
Have you inflated the meatloaf yet? I'm curious if it gets to actual meatloaf size.

And in case I'm not able to get on in the next few days, Merry Christmas everyone!

HARRY LIME!!! From a Lime to a Lemon. This is truly starting out to be a magical December already (even though it's near the end of December).

And a nice letter from Mr. Lime.

Well the contents of the package did find me well but I can't quite vouch for the integrity of the products seeing as it's a surpise, so we'll have to anxiously wait until I get to that part! OHHHHHH THATS THE GOOD PART.

Oh yeah, I didn't check the box because I don't like MOESHA.

Unless this is Moesha.....

Wishing me a Merry Christmas on the half of Harry Lime, then consider that box checked.

Starting with the Christmas Tree and so far I see what seems to be a VHS. That, or Beta Max.

OHHHHHHHH CREEEEEPY CLAASSSSSSICS. A tape that is "a hauntingly hilarious video" with the dashing deviant "Master of Scarimonies" Vincet Price playing host and/or narrator to a barrage of old B movies. They're definitely not kidding about the "authentic film footage", they're definitely snipets of low budgeted films, NO KIDDING!

I saved the best for last on this gem because it couldn't be any more true.

I couldn't agree more that cringing and howling indubitably leads to calling for pizza. Especially to classics such as The Blob, The Day of the Triffids, and many more classics that Mr. Price will be playing host too. Just let this incriminating picture speak for itself.

Moving unto the Snowman, I discover my interests are rather intrigued. It's a rough guide to cult movies, basically it's a book full kick ass shit and information that people should read more into instead watching the bullshit that's coming out now. It includes quick synopses of movies such as Blade Runner, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Barbarella, Tokyo Gore Police, Rosemary's Baby, and many many more amazing titles. Can't thank you enough Harry Lime for this bible, much appreciation.

Now it's time for the Sock. And it's The Simpsons Christmas which includes 5 Christmas oriented Simpsons episodes from the past to more recent episodes. Ahh the memories are coming back to me when I was a young lad who used to watch The Simpsons religously.

Now we all know you can't be in the Christmas spirit without a little bit of Christmas Fuel. Que in the dark and milk chocolate! What a better way to get things going a little bit more with some good old fashion chocolate.

Finally, the Goodie Pouch. Now what could possibly be in this....

It's... coal... hmmm.

WAIT A SECOND!!!

IT'S THE MOST EXPENSIVE, LEAST EXPENSIVE GIFT IN I-MOCKERY'S SECRET SANTA HISTORY!!!!!! A GOOD OLD FASHIONED INVESTMENT!!

Ahh, now I can finally rest with all my amazing gifts that Harry Lime has provided me with.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE TO THE FOLKS AT/ON I-MOCKERY, AND A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY PAL HARRY LIME FOR SWEETENING UP THIS LEMON'S HOLIDAYS!!!!

Boogie, those would be potato guns. You can stick the tips into a potato and rip out a little chunk, then shoot them at your friends; they're reputedly good for a few hundred shots from a single spud. I thought I'd include some surplus ammo, too.

Also I'm hell of relieved that you liked it! This was lots of fun in retrospect. :D