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NEW YORK–J.P. Morgan’s trading debacle became more serious today as the bank admitted that its likely losses were not $2 billion, as originally reported, but somewhere in the neighborhood of “a million billion zillion dollars,” according to soon-to-be-ex-CEO Jamie Dimon.

“It was originally about $2 billion,” exclaimed Dimon, patting his luxurious grey locks affectionately. “Then, I dunno, suddenly it was a million billion zillion. Tough break.”

In a lengthy, tense press conference, Dimon explained the additional sources of loss, while generously applying extra-strength gel to his beautiful coiff. The major reasons for the increase in loss include:

Hole in bottom of Scrooge-McDuck-style money bin

Five-year-old banging on trader’s keyboard during “Take Your Child to Work Day”

Dimon went on to add that there were some unexplained “additional errors” that made up the majority of the million-billion-zillion dollar loss. In order to take full responsibility, he pledged to forego a “major” part of his 2011 hair-related bonuses.

After the press conference, Dimon left quickly in a Mercedes Sedan, sticking his head out of the passenger-side window as the vehicle roared down Park Avenue.