A truth teller, scribe and manic rambler living with Depression, BPD and PTSD while picking up the pieces of my beautiful Bipolar life. My scars don't define me. It's the grace (sometimes), and gratitude (always) in which I handle my chaos that does. Welcome to my messy, amazing life!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Journey - an Introduction

Just yesterday, I am sitting on the floor of our beautifully tiled walk in shower, I am holding my pink and white shaver gently in my hands. I turn it around and around slowly, the glint of the razor beckoning me with its shiny edge. After what seems like minutes, but probably more in seconds, I snap the top off of the handle. And then, snap, snap, snap…. Piece by piece I break the plastic until the prize is lying tenderly in my palm. Smooth, except for remnants of shaving gel still left on its edges. I close my eyes.

I imagine the moment the corner of the razor’s sharp edge penetrates my skin. As I pull my hand down, I can feel the glory of the pain. I can FEEL the pain. It is unlike any sensation I have ever known. The blood appears slowly at first, emerging from underneath my skin like a flower just peeking from its bloom, until it is dark, red, warm. I am careful to not cut deep enough to sever any artery, just enough to allow the blood to bubble up, clot and dry, just enough for the sting to linger, for the pain inside me to subside, to be distracted by its counterpart. I breathe. A tear falls.

I open my eyes. I am still sitting on the shower floor. There is no blood. I am holding the razor in my palm, my heart is racing and my thoughts are running rampant. I get up. I drop the shiny little present into the basket nearby filled with magazines with pictures of beautiful, perfect women staring up at me. Today I did not cut myself. It has been 6 months since I have seen the scarlet of my inner pain. I am on a journey towards wholeness, a journey that will bring together my mind, my body and my spirit. The first 6 months have been the hardest. Letting go of so many demons, while allowing myself to feel the pain of my emotions, rather than the pain of my body.

The next part of this journey, I will be documenting, in order to free myself completely from the chains that have bound me for so long. I am a survivor. I am an expert at surviving. My goal is to LIVE and as you walk with me through this journey, I hope to introduce you to my authentic self. The One I was meant to be. I will spend time in the present, some time in the past, but mostly, I will look to the future. This blog serves as a supplement to the book that I have been writing my entire life. It is meant not only as a way for me to move past my fear, my shame, but as an instrument for any of us, who are or know of someone who is ready to face LIFE with a new fire, anyone who is ready for re-birth!

I am a mother and a wife. I currently am starting over in so many ways, with my career, financially, in my relationships, within myself. With that said, I have survived through trauma-- childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse, date rape (rape), divorce, addictions, illness and dysfunction..... And...

I am a cutter. I have been cutting myself since I was around 11 years old. It has been my dirty little secret for over 30 years. As you journey with me, I hope that we can discover a new life together. My posts will sometimes be funny, sometimes sad, but always honest, always real. Today, this day is good. I have a good life and am blessed with so many angels around me. Those who know me would probably say that what they notice first is my smile. I like my smile (although, truth be told, I would like to fix a couple of my teeth!) Shout out to any orthodontists out there :) But, in general it’s a nice smile. Today begins the discovery of what lies...behind her smile.