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There have been several times this winter where I have made the time to dive back into my painting.

What I find is that colours, creating something, anything with my hands and painting is helping me process some of the deeper emotional stuff that wants to be healed.

I finally put my signature on the bottom painting that I did last year. The top painting is unfinished and it looks like it wants to be the painted as the same theme… a silly underwater sea world!!

This one above is also unfinished… it looks like it might want to be more fish, possibly leaves or birds flying in the sky. I will need to have more fun with this one before it’s finished. 🙂

Two more unfinished paintings.

The painting on the left (above)… Goddess Hecate and a poem that I wrote when I began painting this last fall.

A deeply personal sharing: my healing journey through life’s challenges… finding my way… some of my deepest desires and the transformation that I seek… all while embracing this thing called LIFE and attempting to do the best that I can!!

I’m at this crossroad…
the one that will take me back to me
to the essence of who I AM
where the wisdom, knowledge and the deepest truths live
the path that my soul has been nudging me to take
but so often I’ve been too afraid to put both feet firmly on that path
the path less travelled
the one that would bring me within
the places within myself that have never been explored
connecting me to my soul
it is there that I will find what I am looking for
I know that there is no doubt
where the inner light is glowing, shining brightly, waiting to show me the way
but I hold back
I taste a little that part of me
and I know that I have overextended the welcome of staying in my story
it is getting old
rarely ever satisfied because of the choice that I know I must make
the part of me that has been so intertwined with my story, my life
the pain, the challenges that have often felt so heavy
I no longer desire to carry the weight of that story
and this is where I invite Hecate to help me
for alone I have not been able to do it all the way
I ask her to help get me to stepping on that path firmly with both feet
and to transform and to heal my body, heart, mind and emotions
I ask her to help me have the courage necessary and to help me to release and let go the story
I ask her to help me bless the story
those parts of my life
because without all of this, I wouldn’t be at this same crossroad perhaps…
I invite her to help me to put the story down gently
to bless it one more time, and again and again if needed
and to help me shape-shift into all that I came here to be
to step on that path and be true to myself
and to reconnect with all that I AM!!

This next painting, started out when I had a lot of frustrated energy flowing through me one day last week. I was in my studio late one evening and grabbed a new wooden canvas 14″x14″ and wrote some words of the energy that I was feeling: “frustrated”, “why me”, “why so much”, “where are the answers”, “give me a break”. I was really feeling frustrated with so many things. Feeling like God was not hearing my prayers.

So I wrote some words, dripped some acrylic ink paint and just let them run down the canvas, then smudged a few colours and walked away from it.

I was in a place of questioning the hard stuff in my life.

I was having a real pity party by myself and feeling like a victim of life… poor me. Pathetic. I was feeling exhausted and really tired of the battle and of swimming upstream. There have been so many layers of deep emotions buried inside of me that wants to be expressed. This is all part of my journey of finding my way through this. It’s some of the hardest work that I’ve ever done, but the most rewarding at the same time.

I feel really drawn to colours especially since I was diagnosed with breast cancer last summer. Colours have really helped ease the anxieties and fears that come up. God has made sure that I have lots of ways to play with colours, with lots of colouring books, papers and canvasses. He knows how to help me get out of these ruts when they come up and when I listen this is what happens…

I allowed the first layer of paint to dry, then came back and quickly brushed on a few more colours. I felt so much lighter going to sleep that night because of just these few minutes with my canvas. These few colours helped me process so much.

This afternoon as I worked on a few more paintings and then I set this one back up on my easel and finished it off by adding one of my favourite colours “Quinacridone/Nickel Azo Gold”.

I absolutely fell in love with it.

Here it is below completed, hot off my easel. I brought it outside, placed the small table-top easel that my husband had built for me a few years back, and photograph on the deck against the snow-covered lawn as a background.

What I discovered with this painting is that when I spoke the truth about my frustrations to myself, then wrote those words on the canvas, shared about it in a few Facebook groups… then before I knew it the heavy energy started shifting, and not feeling so intense. A weight had been lifted. Some interesting and positive things have unfolded since I started this simple painting.

I am feeling incredibly grateful for the way that God seems to want to bring me through life, and the ways that He wants me to heal and grow from the lessons that life brings my way.

He’s providing me with lots of colouring crayons, markers, paints and canvasses that I need so that I can learn (yes learn, or maybe it’s re-learn) how to play and have fun. He seems to have a plan to make this inner work for me to be made to look like a child’s play.

I’m grateful for art, nature and how it inspires more healing for me.

For those who wish to know where I’m at with things with regards to the breast cancer, just know that I’m doing fine, ok, and really I’m doing as best as I can. I’ve gone from sharing so much to being extremely quiet about everything. Its felt like I’ve closed a door almost. But at the same time I know that this won’t be forever. What I’m choosing is to really, really honour myself right now with what I need. I have felt extremely vulnerable and its hard to show up that way. It’s hard to show up when in many ways I feel broken in some ways. I have to be able to hear my own inner voice and guidance in this place of solitude and contemplation right now. I never imagined just how deep this journey with cancer would be plunging me into, and all the changes I’d be going through, and all the decisions I would have to make along the way and the list goes on and on. I appreciate so many of you who are always there on the sidelines, waiting… even when I haven’t been able to be more present.

When I look at your ‘frustration’ painting Suzanne I see many figures/people yet these figures all seem to be a ‘different’ you so maybe feel into this painting what each one of yourself is showing you, sharing with you. It feels like they are telling your story from deep within, like they are giving clues as to ‘what is where and vice versa’, like these are the aspects of you that are healing and playful, dreamy and scared, vulnerable and strong, giggly and serious, impulsive and stubborn and the list goes on 🙂 Play with it Suzanne and see, hear and feel all that emerges, most of all have fun with it. Take care of you.

Beautiful sharing Suzanne . I love how creating art is so therapeutic and re energizing to us all . Your paintings and palette are wonderful. I feel like I’m looking through stained glass. Skyward toward the light.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all the paintings, your poem, your words of wisdom. WOW!! You are amazing!! I know you are going through difficult times but remember to keep doing what you LOVE and what feels right as this is very HEALING for you. Be gentle with yourself. XOXO

So much beauty flowing out of you, dear Suzanne!
I love the way you are processing your journey in color and bold lines
and vivid hues and wordmithing and just so much beauty. You are a
beautiful one, m’dear. So precious.
I sing a song of healing with and for you, dear one. You are worthy and loved
and so very deeply loved and cared for.
With you and for you,
Jennifer

I am so privileged to know and love you as a dear friend. Your recounting of your miraculous journey inspires me. This time I find I really just love the primary colours you have used in your paintings. Your paintings are full of life and joie de vie very much expediting your healing. xo