Joe P.

March 1999

Where are all the gay guys? Are they all locked up in there
closets? Or are they just not aware that they are actually gay?? Heh
..sorry I'm just a little frustrated, because in every one of my
classes at college, there is always one cute guy in it. I can't seem
to concentrate on my work because I find myself staring at that
person, not to make it too obvious. Well you know what I mean..

I guess I can't blame those people in the closets, because hey
..it took me several years to finally accept myself for what and who
I am.. But loving and being comfortable with who I am is a different
question. The fact that there are no gay-support type groups, no book
stores carrying any gay-type magazines, and with a populations that
consist of 80% being Christians.. Life is pretty harsh if your gay
living on this island.

Maybe I'm not meeting any gay guys because of my personality.. I'm
the quiet and shy type. I'm terrible at starting a conversation, so
several people's first impression of me is the snobbish and mean type
of person.. I don't go around telling people I am gay, but if they
just only ask me I would tell them.. And when I actually begin to
talk to someone, I'm always saying things or do things for no
apparent reasons that offend them. I'm usually clueless when this
happens, and I wouldn't know what I said or did offended them, until
the point where I'm totally ignored by that person. *sigh*

I had one really, really close friend once. We first met during my
freshman year in high school. We were in the same class until my
senior year. I was never close to my parents or my brothers, and so
when I had any sort of problem he was the one that was always there
for me. He was the emotional support that I never got at home. He was
suppose to be the first person that I was planning to come out to..
But unfortunately, that never happened. He was willing to tell me all
his darkest secrets, but I was to close minded to tell him mine, the
fact that I was gay. Above this I began hanging around a different
group of friends; eventually this made him think I was avoiding him,
and so he began to ignore me completely. I wanted so much to
apologize to him, but I never had the courage to do so in front of
him. I was angry at myself.. I began to isolate myself from the world
itself. It was bad enough that I was gay, and now this. I was lost.
There was no one I could talk to about any of this. For the first
time in my life, I felt truly alone... After this depressing
experience, friendship is the one thing I cherish the most. I envy
those who had at least one friend they were able to come out to..
because currently I have none...