Indians on the Internet: Why do all brown people know each other?!

No seriously. They ALL know each other. Take twitter for example. I’ve seen this happen plenty of times before. One brown girl makes a twitter account, and within a month she has two hundred followers. I don’t understand that. I make a twitter account I get like, ten followers, majority of which are spammers.

And then there’s the little “who to follow” box that suggests pretty much everyone that you’re trying your hardest to avoid. But then you decide to cyberstalk them anyway and realize that they’re following all of your brown friends. Then you wonder if they’ll follow you back if you follow them. But if they showed up in your box, they must have seen you in their box, right? But they haven’t followed you yet, so they probably don’t want to follow you, which is really depressing.

But the brown people you do follow on twitter FLOOD YOUR TIMELINE WITH RANDOM CRAP! What’s with Indian girls and subtweeting? I mean really, how do I know that this person even exists? And for all the annoying little Muslim girls out there: Stop tweeting quotes about love. We all know you’re stalking some dirty brown boy you met in community college. More importantly, stop tweeting about how much of a “turn on” it is when a guy prays. Astaghfirullah! What would your Baba say if he read that, huh?

Facebook is the exact same thing. Except you can see all the brown people you know like pictures of all the other brown people you know. And then you’re all like “ASDFGHJKL!?!! How do you biznitches know each other?!” And then you realize you can’t gossip about those people to each of them because they know each other somehow. And then you realize your whole life is a lie. Especially after they reject your friend request.

But there is nothing more depressing than when your timeline is full of desi girls taking ugly selfies in the bathroom that get thirty likes, and then you get tagged in one very awkward photo of you “derping.” And just so we’re clear, no one likes your derpy photo.

And while we’re on the subject, why do all brown girls think they’re models, and all brown dudes think they’re friggin SRK? No one changes their profile picture more than an Indian. And it’s really awkward when aunties do it. Aunties who have Facebooks are some of the most immature people you will ever meet. They friend all the young people they know and post as often as they pray. God forbid they ever discover twitter. Khuda na khasta.

Moral of the story: Brown people are taking over the Internet. Save yourselves.