SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A recent study by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) found that the vast majority of San Francisco residents are suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

Despite being held hostage and repeatedly abused by their landlords and property management companies, most of the 800,000 residents of San Francisco appeared to be willing to pay the absurd and insulting rents currently being charged — sometimes, willingly.

We had an opportunity to interview a San Francisco resident who was paying $3,800 a month for a one bedroom apartment in the SOMA neighborhood. She asked us to call her Susan.

She stated that, “Living in San Francisco is expensive. Everyone knows that. But to have the privilege of living under a landlord who is so caring and concerned about his tenants — it’s so heartwarming.”

When asked to clarify, she went on to say, “Don’t you see? Because of the high rent I pay, it’s really helped me with my budgeting — I literally can’t afford to buy anything else. Plus, with all the power landlords have over their tenants, I’m so beaten down now I’m much less argumentative at work. They even took me off probation!”

As we were about to conclude our interview, we were able to witness an intervention in which Susan’s family and friends attempted to rescue her by taking her to a more affordable apartment. To our surprise, she turned on them — even slapping and biting her rescuers. “What are you doing?” she screamed. “Are you trying to take me to the Tenderloin? I work in tech — I have an image to uphold!”

The APA concluded that the shortage of housing in San Francisco has been escalating the cases of Stockholm syndrome at an alarming rate and that nothing can be done.