Pure Barre Addicts Will Understand

7:00 AM

For three years I've been going to Pure Barre and I've become cultish about it. It's my Prozac. If you're in the same boat the following "100 thoughts I have throughout Pure Barre" from Forever Twenty Something will hit home.

Where should I sit?

Ugh, someone is sitting way too close to my spot. What do I do now?

Everyone in this room is so thin.

And fit.

And wearing Lululemon.

And Athleta.

I wonder if anyone can tell I got my tank top at TJ Maxx…

Okay, so when is this going to start?

Oh… the teacher is putting her headset on!

I wonder if my butt will ever look like hers…

There’s the music! Should I stand?

No, no. Not yet. I don’t want to be the first one to stand.

AHH. Everyone is standing.

Better take a sip of water quick.

Okay, knee lifts.

Damn, people are so uncoordinated.

Do I look uncoordinated?

Whatever.

How am I already sweating? We’re only on warm up.

UGH plank.

Tuck AND plank at the same time??? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

My toes are slipping, my toes are slipping.

Okay, let me just lift my ass up to get to re-position myself.

Please don’t let them take a picture to post on Facebook right now…

ITS OVER ITS OVER.

But it’s not over. There’s more…

How the F is that girl next to me going so low in her push ups?

So, now my butt is supposed to be next to my hands for tricep dips.

MY SEAT WON’T GO BACK ANY FURTHER.

Okay, arms… you ready?

Is that muscle for real??? Is that what my arm really looks like?

Why don’t my arms look like this in the mirror at home? Is this mirror programmed to make my arms look good?

Don’t put your arms down. Don’t put your arms down.

You’re almost done. YOU ARE ALMOST DONE.

ARM STRETCH.

Oh no.

I can do this. Look at me go. I am doing thighs.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING IVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.

Is thigh work equivalent to giving birth?

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT GIRL’S RING!

Am I the poorest person in this room?

Oh right, back to thighs. WHEN IS IT OVER?

NO, NOT THE RESISTANCE BAND.

What if I break the band with my thighs? Has that ever happened to anyone?

Why is no one else coming out of this thigh sprint for a break? Why am I so weak?

Time to shut my eyes and shake.

THEYRE SHAKING. THEYRE SHAKING. MY THIGHS ARE SHAKING.

Nope sorry. You cannot do anything for 10 seconds that involves shaking thighs.

Finally. The stretch. The halfway point.

But we still have to do seat work.

Okay this isn’t so bad.

Just kidding. MY STANDING LEG MIGHT FALL OFF.

Here comes the teacher. What am I doing wrong now?

But it hurtssssssssssssssss.

A STRETCH, A STRETCH.

But we’re not done. THERE’S A WHOLE OTHER SIDE.

Here we go.

She said my name! I’m doing a good job!

Don’t act cocky. Pretend it never happened.

But wait. What if there’s another person with my name? What if she wasn’t saying good job to me?

What if I’m not doing a good job…

Okay. Done with seat, basically done with class.

Slow abs against the wall. Basically rest time.

Just kidding, I should actually try.

What am I going to make for dinner tonight?

I’m hungry.

When is this class over?

Fast abs! Please don’t do diamond. Please don’t do diamond.

WHY CAN’T I GO ON MY TOES IN DIAMOND AND NOT SPREAD MY LEGS SO FAR APART?

Floor abs. We’re getting there.

*Looks in mirror* Oh my god, I look huge. *TUCK IN STOMACH*

But seriously what’s for dinner?

*Looks in mirror again* I look good.

Oh nooooooo, it’s time to lie on my back. Seriously this class is never ending.

WERK. WERK. WERK.

LOWER BODY CURLS. HELP.

WHERE IS THE FINAL 10?

OH MY GOD IT’S HERE IT’S HERE IT’S HERE.

I LOVE LYING DOWN.

Can I stay here forever?

*Looks in mirror* I look so thin when I arch my back.

Wait. IT’S NOT OVER.

*Peeks in mirror* Sex.

Is this what I look like when I have sex?

Is Pure Barre making me better at sex?

We all look like we’re having sex.

This music.

How am I shaking right now?

Seriously.

Can this end?

I need to collapse.

I need to eat.

Can we speed this stretch up?

WHY WON’T YOU END, CLASS?

Wowwwww I am so flexible.

This will be the deepest breath I take all day.

Oh my god, it’s over.

I AM BEYONCE.

I can’t wait to do this again tomorrow.

I LOVE PURE BARRE.

- See more at: http://forevertwentysomethings.com/2014/07/31/100-thoughts-i-have-during-pure-barre/#sthash.ZKyKuwV5.dpuf

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About me

I'm pretty sure I was a dog obsessed, self-loathing cat in a previous life. Formerly an office gopher then art director, but always a creative, I now write because it makes me irrationally happy and fills my soul.