For those who e-mailed after my last post to say "What the hell is a Kindle?" I'm sorry. I meant to elaborate but because TypePad has adjusted its interface to make everything easier for us bloggers, I can no longer figure out how to embed a video and then write about it in the same post. See? Life is so mucheasier now that they've limited my options. Post a video. Or write a post. Can not do both. EASY.Or probably I'm just stupid.Very probably that is the case.And now that I'm here, I've managed to convince myself that 99 percent of you don't give a rat's ass about my Kindle and it's many AWESOME (!) features. Nevertheless, it is slim pickings at ye old Blog-Topic General Store this week. We have licorice whips, sardines, brown shoe polish, and AWESOME KINDLE FEATURES.So Awesome Kindle Features it is.Awesome Kindle Feature #1:Size. The Kindle is small and light (and VERY sexy). So those unwieldy books of 750+ pages will no longer rip a hole in the lining of my purse or wake up the neighbors when they fall on the bedroom floor because I slipped into a coma while reading them (David Foster Wallace, may you rest in peace).Awesome Kindle Feature #2:A built-in dictionary. I just put my little cursor next to a word I don't know and up pops the definition. I was expounding upon this feature at length the other day to the father of a girl in Gus's class. What I didn't realize at the time is that this man is a well-known author and professor of English. And there I was, prattling on about how "Da Kindle done tells you what thems words MEAN. Cuz reading iz one thing, but knowing whats thems words is trying to TELL you done make the reading esperience so mutch more gooder." I am so awesome.Awesome Kindle Feature #3: Books are cheaper on the Kindle. New releases are typically $10, older books are often less, and many of the classics are free or close to it.Awesome Kindle Feature #4: Free wireless. No contracts. No weirdness. No "syncing-with-your-computer-pain-in-the-assitude". I no longer have that panicky fear of being stuck somewhere with nothing to read. (I believe the medical term for this condition is called "being a nerd.") I just turn my Kindle on and download books, any time, anywhere.Awesome Kindle Feature #5:It saves your place. You will appreciate this feature once you've had this exchange with your children fifty million times:"Mom, what's THIS?""It's my BOOKMARK, don't--"ERRRRG.Awesome Kindle Feature #6: Search and rescue. You can search your Kindle books for words and phrases. You can bookmark a section, highlight a passage, or type little notes, and the Kindle organizes and saves them for you. And then it prints out a certified Nerd Certificate that you can keep in your wallet to show all your friends.

Awesome Kindle Feature #7: Speed reading. For whatever reason, I read twice as fast on the Kindle. Maybe it's because I can adjust the type size. Maybe it's the no-glare screen. Maybe it's the endorphins that come from BEING IN LOVE WITH A MACHINE. I don't know. But it sure feels good.

These two truths were certainly not lost on me, and yet, there is a vast difference between having a deck, and having people on your deck.

Last night we hosted a small family gathering in celebration of my birthday. All day I’d been praying that the clouds would get tired of spitting haphazardly at me and my deck by the time our guests arrived, and let’s just say that Nashville clouds know what’s good for them. At six o’clock, our guests filed into the house and out to the deck, where they distributed themselves onto the patio furniture as if it had been there all their lives.

I found myself looking around in disbelief:

OH MY GOD. IT WORKS! THE DECK WORKS!

Do not ask me what I was expecting.

Perhaps a telegram stating that more laboratory testing of the deck was needed to make sure it was capable of handling a good time? Perhaps I was afraid that the house, like a body with a transplanted limb, would suddenly spike a fever and reject the new deck? I have no idea. But before last night, I don’t think I really believed in the deck. And now I know it’s true.

And then there was the issue of furniture.

For the better part of the last six weeks, I’d been stalking Craigslist in feverish pursuit of the perfect patio furniture. Then yesterday not two hours before our guests were scheduled to arrive, God swung by the house with my birthday present (he was in the neighborhood), and I clicked on Craigslist one last time to discover an eight-piece patio set for $100.

(!)

I got so excited I e-mailed the seller three times in five minutes.

IS THIS SET AVAILABLE?

AM VERY INTERESTED IN BUYING SET. CAN PICK IT UP THIS AFTERNOON.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING THIS PATIO SET FROM ME? I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, BITCH.

I think she liked my style. And not only that, she lived just two streets away.

Fifteen minutes later, I was taking home a table, four chairs, an umbrella, and a chaise lounge, in good condition, all for a hundred dollars.

Plus, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the set was only a hundred dollars.(Something happens to me when I find a bargain. I’m like a greeter at Wal-Mart who has no purpose in life other than to say Hello! Welcome! The furniture you’re about to sit on was purchased by me for $100!)Roll back.

Amanda O'Brien cuts cake on her patio table, which was purchased as part of an eight-piece set for just $100.

The day we brought Gus home from the hospital, we set him down on the bed, asleep in his car seat, intending (don't laugh, we were new parents) to take a nap.No sooner had we closed our eyes than Gus released the first in a six-month-long miniseries of excruciating soul-shattering wails. And in that moment, life as our dog knew it changed forever.Sean, who had until then been the baby of our family, leaped onto our bed and stared, head cocked terribly to one side, at our shrieking five-pound sack of fists and fury.With a horrified yelp, he tore into the family room and ran high-speed circles around our coffee table like a circus act gone wrong.Then for the grand finale, he heaved a stream of orange bile onto our Crate & Barrel throw rug. Larry turned to me. "Do you think he likes the new baby?" Today Sean is mostly tolerant of the boys, though I wouldn't say he's exactly fond of them. They are, after all, extremely loud. They are sudden and unpredictable in their movements. And they make him wear weird hats. Which is why I too am trying to be tolerant ... as Sean enters the next phase in his growth and development.

The boys' preschool offers a variety of extra-curricular activities for four and five year olds: sports, computer, music, science, gymnastics, Solipsism and The Modern British Novel ... Naturally, these programs are not free, so we weren't exactly tripping over ourselves to sign up. Better to take our cue from Gus, we thought, and wait until he begsexpresses an interest in pursuing one of these exciting learning opportunities.Then in August, the 2008 Women's Gymnastics Team double vaulted into our living room, and Gus has been leaping around the house, hurling himself off the coffee table, and dangling from the side of Patrick's crib ever since.So, gymnastics it is.When Larry went to put Gus's name on the list, I won't say the school's director hemmed and hawed, but she definitely hemmed a little. (Knowing how some parents at the school feel about female teachers having "boy hair", I suppose she wanted to offer full disclosure.)"You know that class is all girls," she told Larry.Larry shrugged. "He said he wants to do it.""He'd probably really love computer.""Nope," Larry said. "He specifically said he wants to do gymnastics."So we signed him up, and he's still the only boy in the class, and he LOVES it. At first I didn't think it even registered with him that the class is all girls, but then we had this conversation a few days ago, and it occurred to me that perhaps being in a class with all girls was sort of the whole point.He said, "Mom, I've been thinking a lot about gymnastics."

Except for a few finishing touches, the deck is now finished. And while my pictures don't do it justice, the difference it makes to the back of our house is phenomenal. The difference it makes to my mental health is phenomenal. As you can see, the back of our house was once a sad and sorry sight. The concrete slab, the lack of sun, the naked redneck baby carrying a traffic cone. We don't even know his name. He just stood there in our driveway for years, clutching his little cone and packet of chewing tobacco, sipping on a flat Pabst Blue Ribbon. We thought, maybe if we just got a deck ...

And then the uncles and cousin came, bearing wood and screws and joists and shims, and COLOR & LIGHT. And a deck was born.

And the people drank beer and wine and ate Larry's eggplant Parmesan (except for Joe, who ate pizza). And they were very happy.

Thank you, Greg, for your meticulous design, planning and execution of this project. You are my dream contractor, not to mention one hell of an uncle. Thank you, Joe, for being your awesome self and taking time away from your own laundry list of home improvement projects (and thank you, Alice, for lending him to us) to get this done so quickly, and thank you, Eddie, for bringing your time and vast array of knowledge and expertise to this task; you are the ultimate problem solver. You guys are my heroes.

A puppet troupe is coming to Gus's school today to teach the kids about "Accepting Differences". This morning, Gus was nervously eyeing the flyer, which features various puppets of color smiling for a group picture.

"I don't like these puppets," he said. "I don't want them to come to my school.""Why?""Because they're scary.""Why are they scary?""Because they're weird, and they don't look like us."

This post has been edited from it's original version. Larry has insisted on fair and accurate reporting. Because this blog is NOTHING without its journalistic integrity. No exaggerations here, right? NEVER! Just the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. Amen.The Swine Flu has been snorting its way through Nashville, and Gus managed to wrangle himself what may have been a case last week*.*He tested positive for flu and doctors assumed it to be the Swine Flu, since that is the virus that is going around, though they didn't test for the H1N1 strain specifically. As a result, he was home from school Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday with a headache, a fever, and a runny nose. Pretty mild stuff considering the flu's LIFE THREATENING NATURE OH MY GOD NEWS ALERT NEWS ALERT SPECIAL CNN REPORT PAGING DOCTOR SANJAY GUPTA HERE'S HOW AT-RISK AMERICANS CAN PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM THIS VILE AND DEADLY EPIDEMIC THAT IS SWEEPING OUR NATION!Hello! LARRY HERE. I just read your blog. (See my face? Not amused.) A five year old died of the swine flu in Nashville. Did you know that, Amanda? Did you read the paper? He was five. Just like Gus. So here you are with your nonchalance and swine flu humor, while just down the street, the disease is on a KILLING RAMPAGE. I'm not going to say it, but I'm going to make that serious man face that makes you feel like YOU ARE OPENING OUR FAMILY UP TO DEATH AND DESTRUCTION BY MAKING LIGHT OF GUS'S HEALTH SITUATION IN A PUBLIC FORUM. BAD KARMA! BAD WIFE! BAD!On Tuesday, I hired a babysitter to stay with Gus while I was at work. And this happened.

And Thursday, he was ready to go back. Sort of. As I mentioned, school drop offs had been a little rough. But the day after I wrote about it, Gus evidently had a come-to-Jesus with himself and decided to man up. "I'm ready for school," he said, proudly. And to school we drove, and in to his classroom he marched. Two days in a row. But then came the sickness, and the absence, and I was sure the three days home would set him back, and sure enough, Thursday morning he woke up crying. Anxious.

"Do other kindergarteners sniffle at school and blow their noses?""Would the teacher let him get up to get a tissue?" "Would it be mortifying?"

Which reminded me of when I was in 5th grade and my friend Billy sneezed so hard he FILLED his hands with green snot so that it was coming through his fingers and the whole class was all eeeeewwwwwwwwww BILL-LAY! (Poor kid. That is one of two memories I have of that boy. The other is of a giant scab on his temple that HE REFUSED TO PICK, so it just sort of dangled there. Half on. Half off. And it was all I could do not to just RIP it off his face, because it was SO RIPE FOR THE PICKING. We were studying the middle ages and peasants and I was all HOW CAN ANYONE CONCENTRATE WITH THAT SCAB CRYING OUT TO ME?)

Sorry. Anyway. While Gus was bemoaning the many obstacles to blowing his nose, he told me this interesting tidbit. He said "the teacher doesn't let us raise our hands when she's talking, and we're not allowed to talk unless we raise our hands."

I was all, let me get this straight: She doesn't let you raise your hand if she's talking? And you can't talk unless you raise your hand?

YOUR TEACHER IS A FREAKIN' GENIUS! What else does she say? Clearly we can all learn a lot from this brilliant woman.

And I'm adopting this rule at home. "SHHP! Hands up if you want to talk! Wait, no. Not yet. Because I'M talking."

Did I design this woman from scratch? I'm in love.

When we arrived, she welcomed Gus back and showed him where the tissues are and told him to help himself as needed.

He gave me a high five. And another. And he smiled and told me to have a nice day.