The Blob Report: The Environment

Hey there, it’s me, the Blob. The thousand-pound guy in the unitard. Well, I’m here to stand up for an oppressed minority, of which I am one of them: Giant Fatsos.

Giant Fatsos get the blame for everything these days. First, it was the skyrocketin’ costs a healthcare, then we was wreckin’ the rainforest, and now they’re blamin’ high gas prices and — that’s right — terrorism on us Giant Fatsos. Terrorism? Naw, but it’s true I tells ya.

Da thinkin’ goes like dis: ’cause it takes more gas to transport Giant Fatsos like myself on cars and planes, the world is runnin’ out of energy all quicker like. And drivin’ the price of fuel up the wazoo. And causin’ big countries to invade small oil-diggin’ ones and make the whole Middle East go all koo koo bananas. Basically, because I eat too many nachos, we got 9/11.

Nuts to that! Pencil-necks roll their eyes when Giant Fatsos say, “it’s not my fault I’m big — it’s my genes.” Well guess what? It IS my in genes? I’m a mu-tant. Homo Superior. (Or Homo Posterior, as the Toad always calls me. Good guy, wicked funny.) My POWER is being fat. It’s not cause I eat a lot. Got it? It’s enuff to make me spit out my cigar stub in rage, it is.

Just ’cause I got a big footprint, it don’t mean I got a big carbon footprint. The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants has always been on the forefront of da environmental movement and what have you. We got a solar lair, a big composter in the back yard, water the lawn with grey water… heck, Magneto spends every Sunday magnetically grabbin’ cans for da recyclin’ center and things of that nature.

Look, when us evil mutants take over the world, we’re gonna fix up the planet real nice. So you better help out and live green, OR YOU’RE GONNA GET A POUNDIN’ FROM DA BLOB!!!