Disclaimer: Whereas, this writer must admit that publicizing anything about Christine O’Donnell induces fits of embarrassment and shame, as it should for anyone who is forced to acknowledge her presence on the main stage of American politics, and; Whereas, let it stand for the record that O’Donnell has less than an ice cube’s chance in hell of getting a job in D.C., even as a volunteer-only meatball server at an anti-Darwinist witch convent; Therefore, be it resolved, the great people of the “Small Wonder” state of Delaware have nominated O’Donnell to represent their views and beliefs as one of 100 elected officials of the United States Senate, and so it falls within the duties required of the fourth estate – the media – to not only acknowledge this candidate’s presence but to report, explain and analyze (in the absence of an actual platform) what she stands for. The big media blitz over Christine O’Donnell’s “dabbling in witchcraft” thing is ridiculous, both the blitz and the dabbling. We’ve all wanted to be witches at some point in our lives. Some of us have even dressed up as witches (or wizards) for Halloween. Probably the majority of us have used the word “witch” to describe Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi, our female bosses or our mothers-in-law, even though most likely we inserted a B instead of a W in those long forgotten, since repented, forever regretted remarks. Dabbling isn’t the same as actually drinking the Kool-Aid.

Similarly understandable is the Tea Party candidate’s résumé and education embellishments. Who hasn’t applied for a job (or tried to run for one of the most powerful positions of governance in the country) and told one or two or three or four or five or six or seven little white lies about our qualifications in order to get hired? Mama always told me to tell a potential employer that I could perform all of the duties required of me if hired, even if I wasn’t completely, technically or at all qualified to perform such duties. She said any employer would eventually appreciate that I was a quick learner, and probably O’Donnell thinks that her future employer (taxpayers) would appreciate that as well.

The same understanding is required of O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance. It may be a tad bit radical – forgive me if “a tad bit radical” is like saying “sort of awesome” – but it’s an issue about which O’Donnell seems somewhat more informed than the average, single, basement-dwelling video gamer. Put aside the religious implications of its sinful nature and the fact that it causes blindness and consider it’s national, political implications: masturbation is unconstitutional. The founding fathers of this great country didn’t write a single word about masturbation in our founding document, which proves that self-performed sexual gratification is in fact unconstitutional. (May all the liberals in America rest in peace, assuming they accept Jesus into their hearts and abandon their wretched ways…)

America is a country founded on forgiveness and slavery – I mean freedom; forgiveness and freedom. We forgive our government representatives when they sodomize our rights, we forgive our priests when they sodomize our children, and we forgive our neighbors running for political office when they sodomize our intelligence. In time, these evil-doers will see the powerful influence of the Devil in their evil ways.

That said, the latest news tidbit about Christine “the Abstinence Flagellator” O’Donnell goes a step beyond any of the media’s attention to witchcraft dabbling, education embellishing or masturbation cursing that has thus far served as America’s basic introduction to this Tea Party candidate.

According to now hundreds of sources (it was first reported by the Associated Press but this yahoo news report can also be read, appropriately, at Yahoo News), INSERT LINK to YAHOO NEWS – http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101004/ap_on_el_se/us_senate_o_donnell_china Christine “the Deprecator of Self-desire” O’Donnell claimed in 2006 that China has a “carefully thought-out and strategic plan to take over America.”

She was understandably unwilling to disclose any actual details of the plan, stating only, “I wish I wasn’t privy to some of the classified information that I am privy to.” The Darwin Denouncer did, however, reveal the source of this international plot. The “classified” information was revealed to O’Donnell by … Christian missionaries.

And that is where even the staunchest, most blindly conservative “Small Wonder” Delwararian Tea Partier must be forced to reckon with that oh-so-unAmerican concept of logic.

Some things – like cat-dog hybrids, unicorns, birther theories and reptilian Bush family conspiracies (INSERT LINK TO BUSH FAMILY CONSPIRACIES http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwKcjRD1DNE) – just aren’t logically possible. Luckily, it only takes two hard blinks and a splinter of common sense to ask the question: Is it at all possible that a group of unnamed Christian missionaries on a trip to China could somehow stumble upon “classified” information that discloses a “carefully thought-out and strategic plan to take over America”?

It’s as simple as asking, as I did in my last column, if it is possible that even the most ignorant, extremist, abortion-loving liberals in America would publicly defend the belief that D.C. lawmakers ought to pass legislation that is unconstitutional. And it’s actually simpler than asking if it’s possible to have a sound economy when lowering taxes while simultaneously waging two wars.

As sad a fact as it is, there are many people in the world who don’t ask questions and who would donate to the Unicorn Protection Society if it were advertised on Glenn Beck’s show.

They’re the same people who didn’t bother asking why a top secret group of Christian missionaries would share this potentially disastrous information with a 41-year-old virgin with absolutely no influence either in Washington or global politics. They’re the same people who didn’t ask why O’Donnell failed to share the details of this Chinese plot with the U.S. government. They’re the same people who didn’t wonder why the CIA didn’t jump on this revelation and launch an international probe into the matter.

They’re probably the same people who voted for the McCain/Palin ticket after the former claimed he knew where Osama bin Laden was hiding (but failed to tell anyone where) and after the latter boasted of her foreign policy know-how by claiming she’d been keeping an eye on Russia from her backyard.

Pro-O’Donnell Delaware voters, may your stifled intellects and depleted reservoirs of common sense rest in eternal peace, and may your attempts to secede from the union be successful if you decide this November to send the nation’s first masturbation misanthropist to the United States Senate.

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N. L. Wilbur is an award-winning reporter and commentator turned politics junkie and critic. He writes regularly for MuddyPolitics.com.

It is worst than that Mr. Wilbur. Not only these brilliant new brand of politician without one single idea in their head do not want to seced but once in power they will attempt to impose their vacuity on us, ad then declare anyone who does not comply non-American and proceed to their deportation or extermination. Wait a minute, did that not happen before? Yes, only 80 years ago in a civilized place called Germany. Food for thought.

David Barger

2010-10-12 15:45:20

American politics are in the shitter, and it is beyond time to flush. Common sense has vanished, and there is an orgy over money that is not there except within the imagination.

Emanuel - Great point!

Thanos

2010-10-12 20:25:38

Emanuel this ...food for thought has been a great worry for me lately because I start seeing more and more similarities with the "80 years ago" you mentioned especially with all the blind nationalism rising and all that brings with.

Emanuel Paparella

2010-10-12 22:50:15

Indeed Thanos, I have not heard one single journalist make the comparison even thogh some of those right wingers already like to sport a Nazi uniform (they say is merely re-anactment but they never mention the Holocaust or say it never happened). Jefferson had it right: "the price of freedom is eternal vigilance." The illusion is that what happened in Germany will never happen in America but the similarites of the many angry and afraid people waiting for a Messiah are all there if one simply looks around...I hope I am wrong.

Emanuel Paparella

2010-10-12 22:52:54

P.S. This time around, fascism will come parading as populism and libertarianism, with a smile on its pretty face, without a vision with a witch's hat on its empy head.