(MAJOR UPDATE:) What is emotional abuse?

My husband says I am emotionally and verbally abusive so I need to get some clear definitions of this.

After 4 months strict bedrest in hospital, I returned to full-time work 3 weeks after c-section. I was sleep deprived (0 to 3 hrs/night) until twins were 7 months old. I tried to ask his help a few times with household stuff, but he blew me off in favor of TV, gym, etc. the first two months. He does do a lot but with twins and both of us working, I needed even more help.

Twins had minor health problems which stressed us out more. After washing mold off baby stuff for the 20th time I would get mad and start nitpicking, saying "why am I the only one who does ___". He had not been keeping track of their reflux medication and pooping. I became angry all the time and started micromanaging him about how to make bottles, meds, toileting, household chores - which he said made him feel "like a child, not like a man, worthless", etc.

One time I wanted to get his opinion to approve some expensive baby purchases on Amazon and he didn't look at it for 3 days since he was watching TV the first night and then was busy or forgot - so I told him he was "unreliable". He was very hurt.

About 6 months post partum I started throwing around the word "divorce" when we got into little arguments as I was at my wits end.

My parents (worked full time as well) would come over and help overnight while I pumped, and though he did some household work during the day, he slept well every night. Instead of asking me if I needed anything before going to bed he'd retreat into the room with beer in hand and watch TV as soon as my parents came. This was a pattern ever since the twins were born.

Around 2.5 months post partum he started inappropriately text messaging a female friend of his. He said it was not an emotional affair because he did not want anything from her but only to get positive attention. This lasted a year until the female friend got tired of being used and told me what was going on. He was never going to tell me.

Even now he asserts that I was emotionally abusive towards him and that was the root cause of his texting.

I am going to counseling and I need to understand what constitutes emotional abuse. He still maintains that he is the best father and husband ever and was never abusive. But I felt minimized, neglected and abandoned a lot of times. He attributes my lack of sleep to it being "my choice" as I was the one who offered to stay up for overnight feeds since I was up pumping anyways. Even so, the few times I asked him for household help while he was watching TV, he flat out refused as it can "wait until tomorrow".

I think he does a lot for the house/kids and am willing to forgive the texting and subsequent cover-up/lies. But I am having a hard time dealing with being called abusive. At the least I think he should admit that emotional abuse goes both ways.

He doesn't seem to care or notice if I am sleep deprived. He tells me that all his family agrees that I treat him like shit and am abusive (half-lie to support his own argument).

He also told the kids, "Mommy doesn't love you" once. He has once punched a hole in the wall and threw something during an argument. Because these happened once, he thinks they don't count. He demonstrates no empathy for when I am sick, saying I am always being melodramatic and made myself throw up by sticking my fingers down my throat when I had the stomach flu. (He had the same stomach flu too and was violently ill... )

Comments (42)

What is emotional abuse?

My husband says I am emotionally and verbally abusive so I need to get some clear definitions of this.

After a difficult pregnancy (4 months in hospital) I returned to full-time work 3 weeks pp after c-section. I was sleep deprived (0 to 3 hrs/night) until twins were 7 months old. I tried to ask his help a few times with household stuff, but he blew me off in favor of TV, gym, etc. the first two months. He does do a lot but with twins and both of us working, I needed even more help.

Twins had minor health problems which stressed us out more. After washing mold off baby stuff for the 20th time I would get mad and start nitpicking, saying "why am I the only one who does ___". He had not been keeping track of their reflux medication and pooping. I became angry all the time and started micromanaging him about how to make bottles, meds, toileting, household chores - which made him feel like a child.

One time I wanted to get his opinion to approve some expensive baby purchases on Amazon and he didn't look at it for 3 days since he was watching TV the first night and then was busy or forgot - so I told him he was "unreliable". He was very hurt.

About 6 months post partum I started throwing around the word "divorce" when we got into little arguments as I was at my wits end.

My parents (worked full time as well) would come over and help overnight while I pumped, and though he did some household work during the day, he slept well every night. Instead of asking me if I needed anything before going to bed he'd retreat into the room with beer in hand and watch TV as soon as my parents came. This was a pattern ever since the twins were born.

Around 2.5 months post partum he started inappropriately text messaging a female friend of his. He said it was not an emotional affair because he did not want anything from her but only to get positive attention. This lasted a year until the female friend got tired of being used and told me what was going on. He was never going to tell me.

Even now he asserts that I was emotionally abusive towards him and that was the root cause of his texting.

I am going to counseling and I need to understand what constitutes emotional abuse. He still maintains that he is the best father and husband ever and was never abusive. But I felt minimized, neglected and abandoned a lot of times. He attributes my lack of sleep to it being "my choice" as I was the one who offered to stay up for overnight feeds since I was up pumping anyways. Even so, the few times I asked him for household help while he was watching TV, he flat out refused as it can "wait until tomorrow".

I think he does a lot for the house/kids and am willing to forgive the texting and subsequent cover-up/lies. But I am having a hard time dealing with being called abusive. At the least I think he should admit that emotional abuse goes both ways.

He doesn't seem to care or notice if I am sleep deprived. He tells me that all his family agrees that I treat him like shit and am abusive (half-lie to support his own argument).

He also told the kids, "Mommy doesn't love you" once. He has once punched a hole in the wall and threw something during an argument. Because these happened once, he thinks they don't count. He demonstrates no empathy for when I am sick, saying I am always being melodramatic and made myself throw up by sticking my fingers down my throat when I had the stomach flu. (He had the same stomach flu too and was violently ill... )

Forgot to add - please don't focus on the texting thing as I am willing to move past that - I am more interested in the emotional abuse aspect. I do recognize that I have hurt him emotionally even though he did not talk to me about it until the texting scandal came out. He says he still loves me but at the same time is completely unable to see what a bad shape I was in and how he could have helped me, he focuses on my abusive nature and says I will hurt our kids. I think that is exagerration as all our arguments center on housework and my in-laws disrespecting/annoying me... but give it to me straight. That is why I am here. To find out what "abuse" means.

Almost every suggestion google came back with said pretty much the same thing.

Emotional Abuse in Adult Relationships

Emotional abuse is the most prevalent form of abuse. It is also the most accepted in todayÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s world. Abuse is when someone misuses his or her authority or mistreats someone else. They show no regard or concern for the individual and they often use words to create an unstable relationship that leans in their own favor. An abuser usually likes to have total control of their victim. They are manipulators and their victims are ultimately put into a submissive or compliant role, compelling them to do according to their way of thinking. Emotional abuse in adult relationships can be verbal. Some examples include telling a partner they are worthless, and degrading by name-calling or frequent negative comments about looks or abilities. Emotional abuse can also be carried out by ignoring or withholding love or touch, making the victim feel isolated.

Emotional abuse leave victims with moderate to serious psychological issues. They may begin to think it is their fault and that they deserve the way they are being treated. Victims of abuse often lack confidence and may even be ashamed. Some feel that the abuse they suffer is a normal part of life, which is usually due to the fact that they grew up either seeing or being in a similar situation as a child. Along with taking place at home, emotional abuse can also become an issue in the workplace or with friends. The victim can ultimately become so accustomed to the emotional abuse that they begin to disregard personal worth and health. If not taken care of early enough, this can lead to issues that progress severely with time.

Aggressing Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Aggressive forms of abuse include blaming, ordering about, threatening, accusing, criticizing, and name-calling. Aggressing may also be quite subtle, yet just as judgemental. An abuser may offer advice or or try to prove they can better analyze a situation. Using words or actions to show they are the deciding factor is a way for the abuser to maintain control. Aggressing is often used to invalidate the victim and their ideas.

Denying Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Denying the emotional needs of another is abuse, and is often used as a form of punishment. An abuser will often deny their victim by not listening or talking to them, acting as if they are not in the room. Thus, the abuser is able to emotionally withdraw from the situation and the victim. Another type of denial is when an abuser denies that they ever used harsh words or did anything that the victim accused them of. They will say they recollect no such happening. This may include the abuser overruling anything the victim says, thinks, or feels. The result is often the victimÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s reality being shaken. They may no longer rely on their own judgment or want to trust from personal experience.

Minimizing Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Minimizing occurs when the abuser doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t deny what he or she has done. Instead, they trivialize the incident and make it seem like the victim is blowing it out of proportion. They may say things like, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Stop exaggerating,Ã¢â‚¬ or Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are being way to sensitive.Ã¢â‚¬ Again, this makes the victimÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s emotions seem exaggerated, faulty, or unimportant to anyone else, further scarring his or her psyche.

And the definition of Emotional affair is:

"A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage."

From the information given, I don't think you were emotionally abusive. Not very nice at times, yeah but abusive no. You both would greatly benifit from counseling though. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment built up and he sounds either oblivious or apathetic to your needs and his duties as a father/husband.

As far as the emotional affair goes, speaking from someone who has had one. You can be the biggest bitch on the planet, but it's still his choice to go outside of the marriage, whether it be emotionally or physically. I think emotional is worse because you sharing your intimate thoughts and heart with someone else. But both are damaging. I don't know girlfriend, it's hard to say without knowing you. Therapy would help you figure all this out. Best of luck!

ETA: I don't know, as far as I know he does not have a PhD in psychology. But the fact that he doesn't take responsibility for how he treated you (emotional affair, not helping out with the babies, being respectful and mindful of your well being) is a huge red flag to me. Therapy therapy therapy. And if he says no, divorce divorce divorce. This isn't something you two can fix on your own. And sorry for all the weird font sizes and symbols I copied and pasted the definitions. Again good luck!

Forgot to add - please don't focus on the texting thing as I am willing to move past that - I am more interested in the emotional abuse aspect. I do recognize that I have hurt him emotionally even though he did not talk to me about it until the texting scandal came out. He says he still loves me but at the same time is completely unable to see what a bad shape I was in and how he could have helped me, he focuses on my abusive nature and says I will hurt our kids. I think that is exagerration as all our arguments center on housework and my in-laws disrespecting/annoying me... but give it to me straight. That is why I am here. To find out what "abuse" means.

Sounds like he is the neglectful and emotionally abusive partner and is trying to transfer it onto you. The emotional affair does play a part as he even has you minimizing that emotional abuse of you. This guy is a total douchebag and is being emotionally abusive and manipulative to you, and having you believe it and apologizing to HIM? Oh hell no.

From what you've posted, I wouldn't have said you were emotionally abusive. Frustration at the lack of help when it came to caring for the twins, and help around the house, certainly led to some arguments, but nothing I would call emotionally abusive. I agree that marriage counselling is a necessity for you both.

Incidentally, it's the hardest form of abuse to recognise because of it's subtlety.

I honestly think he is manipulating you. I think he is the one being neglectful and isnt helping out. He is trying to get out of everything by calling you abusive and making you feel bad. I was in that situation,. I blamed myself this guy is a jerk and you should leave him. uyou will be happier i promise!