A story of a 37 year old woman named Alex, working through the trials of infertility, and now raising a little Alex...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Thinking back to another life

Last night I went to see my friend A in the hospital with her two brand-new twin boys. They were adorable. Oh I can’t wait to have my baby! I’m SO very happy I’m pregnant now – I don’t know if I could have handled the visit very well if I wasn’t. I just kept thinking that six months from now, I would be at the same hospital, with my little one. Oh I hope this is true!!!

But last night’s visit brought me back to a time that seems like a different life, but was very early in my fertility struggle. It was the first time I had ever gone to a hospital to visit a friend and her new baby. It was for my best friend at the time. E and I met our sophomore year in college, and immediately hit it off. I don’t even remember how we met, but we were soon inseparable. Our friendship evolved from hitting the frat parties, to going across the country to be camp counselors together one summer, to living together our senior year, to holding her hand while she had an abortion, to spending time with her family at holidays, to her wiping the tears off my face when my mom disappointed me – again, to moving apart after graduation, to flying back home to be there for her dad’s death, to standing up beside her at her wedding, to her helping me move back home, to her introducing me to her neighbor who I ended up marrying, to her standing up beside me at my wedding, to becoming next-door neighbors again. Needless to say, we were very close, and we were like sisters – nothing could ever break us apart.

I think I was about 26, and my ex and I had been trying to get pregnant for about a year. I went to my gyno for my annual exam, and I wanted to get assistance getting pregnant. But instead, they found cancerous cells on my cervix in the Pap smear. So I had to have a LEEP procedure. My ex took me to the LEEP procedure, which was awful, and we went directly from the doctor’s office to visit my friend E at the hospital – the buildings were connected. She had just had her baby girl the day before. I was happy for her, but I was also devastated for me. I was afraid of having cancer, I was afraid of what the LEEP procedure would do to my chances of having babies, I was upset at my broken body, and I was also upset about my broken marriage, although I wasn’t quite ready to admit that part yet. I walked into that hospital room, and I saw this baby that I thought I would never have, and knowing that it came so easy to E, I broke down and started bawling. I feel so bad about this, robbing her of her excitement of having a baby, but I couldn’t control myself. She consoled me, and I apologized, and I tried to make it up to her later.

This was the beginning of my downward spiral. A month later, I was on anti-depressants because I couldn’t stop crying. Two months later, I was in the hospital for depression. I took two months off of work, got a lot of counseling, and got better. With a lot of help from E - I relied on her a lot that year. After a lot of couple’s counseling, I filed for divorce, and tried to move on with my life, and got a lot better. And then E broke up with me. She said I was too much to handle, that it was too hard being my friend. She kept bringing up the time when I cried in the hospital at her daughter’s birth. I fought hard, trying to keep her in my life, but she wanted nothing to do with me. And therefore she is no longer my friend.

I was so afraid of TTC again, especially afraid of how I would handle it, and how it would affect my relationships with others. I dated the hubs for 5 ½ years before marrying him for fear of making a bad decision again, and I tried to warn him while dating that TTC could be very difficult, and I don’t handle it well. He didn’t listen… I’ve done a little better during the last two years than I did in my 20’s – I started seeing a counselor earlier, and I think it helped that I listened to my intuition when it said that something was very wrong, and so I got professional help earlier. Being in control of treatments, and taking an aggressive approach seems to have been easier on my psyche. And talking to all of you fabulous people online has definitely helped! But it’s been so hard. And I’ve worked really hard to not be too much of a burden on my friends, for fear of losing someone like I lost E.

My friend A, who had the twins, has been so great throughout the whole process. She really has been an amazing supportive friend. She sees me every day at work, and she always knows where I am in a treatment cycle, and what exactly is going on, both physically and emotionally, with me. Because she asks. Even last night at the hospital, with one little boy at her breast trying to figure out how to suck, she said, “so you’re 11 weeks 3 days, right? How are you feeling?” I’m so lucky – she even knows to the day where I am – and she just gave birth! A few weeks ago, she said that a comment that I made at my wedding shower always stuck in her head. Two years ago, we were talking about trying to have babies (she was pregnant with her first at the time, and so was another woman). I made the comment, “I am not looking forward to trying to get pregnant – it’s hard!” And she didn’t understand. But now, after two years of watching me struggle, she gets it, she really does. Even if she didn’t struggle at all herself, she truly understands me.

I’m so lucky to have my friend A, but I also miss my friend E. I wish I would have handled it differently nine years ago, but I didn’t. But I certainly did learn a lot.

This is such a wonderful post! It reminds me of how grateful I am for my core group of friends who've stuck by me and supported me through the worst. I'm so happy you have A to do that for you as well, what a special thing. :)

Thanks for sharing this story, Alex. I didn't know you had tried before. With that story behind you, no wonder you were scared. I knew from my endo surgery that it would probably be difficult (even though now it seems that this may not even be our main/only issue) but your experience, with the loss of a relationship and a friend, sounds much worse.

And I'm so glad you are pregnant now, and will hopefully have your own little one in that hospital in 6 months!

Oh Alex, I'm sorry for the loss of your friendship with E. I hope you know that it wasn't all your fault that that friendship ended, you were going through some really hard stuff there. Part of the failure of the relationship is on her too, no matter how difficult you were.

I'm so glad you've found a supportive friend in A and so happy that meeting her boys went well last night.

Awww man. That is rough losing a sister like that. But the fact that you took a lesson from it, grew as a person, and ddn't swear off friends altogether it good!

If i were you i'd still send her a note or a card when she crossed my mind just to let her know i still think about her. You may never be close again, but it's a gesture that will probably be accepted well.

I agree with AL above. This isn't your fault that the friendship with E ended, it takes two to tango. The fact that she couldn't understand why you burst into tears at that point, said something about the sort of friend she was. I am happy to hear that your friend A is so supportive and that you feel you're in a healthier place now! You deserve it!

I'm really sorry you lost E as a friend, but I tend to think we have different friends in different stages of our lives. And they tend to be the ones we need at the time. I'm not sure I'd blame yourself for anything you did to lose E's friendship. It was what it was and you were in a particular place at that time that she clearly couldn't handle. I wouldn't blame her either. Who knows what else was going on for her. But, so happy you're in a better place now and that you have such a great friend in A to be there with!!

I am so sorry you do not have your friend in your life anymore.But you have A. There have been times where I have lost a few friends along the way. It has always been so painful. I believe we learn from each person that comes into our lives. Their is a reason and a lesson with each friendship:)I am glad you are feeling more excited about your pregnancy!

I'm glad you have A. I'm sorry that E felt she couldn't be a part of your life anymore. But the truth is, that wasn't because of you. It was because of IF and the spectre of cancer. They're separate things. BIG things. I've also mourned the friendships I've lost, or which have cooled. But the truth is that it couldn't be any other way, for anybody. This is such a hard, hard thing to go through. It pretty much leaves everything in its path singed.

Oh Alex, I know how painful IF is and I truly get it. Your life seems so much like mine at times. I also tried in my twenties with my ex, not as agressive as now but that marriage became a train wreck. When I married C. I told him that getting pregnant would be hard. I wish I would have been wrong about that. I love your posts and you continue to inspire me. I'm hoping to follow in your footsteps and find out that I'm pregnant soon too.

I'm so excited about your pregnancy lovely lady and I totally should of put money on this cycle cause I would of made a fortune. Congrats to your friend!!! and more congrats to you, for being the strong amazing mama I know you are.

About Me

I always wanted to be called Alex, and nobody listened to me. I dreamed of the day when I would have my own daughter to call my own, and I would call her Alex. My dream has come true...
Feel free to email me at adventuresofalex @ gmail . com

8/10 - Received diagnosis of compound heterozygous MTHFR mutation - one C677T and one A1298C mutation. Researching implications. Add Folgard 2.2 2x per day and baby aspirin - for the rest of my life...