It's not for the faint of heart.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I thought we were okay...

I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused. BLT seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and he's been short with me and cranky all day.

I was going to take all of us out to have Mexican food for dinner and on the way home he said, "do you really think that's a good idea?" and he explained that he felt bitchy and cranky. So even though I'm exhausted I went to the store and picked stuff up, came home and made dinner. I brought in the groceries by myself, and he came down to inform me he was going to run to the store to get a beer.

Well that was an hour ago. No call to say where he's going or when he'll come back.

What the hell flew up his butt? What did I do? There's a part of me that's been waiting around, holding my breath for something like this to happen. For him to wake up one day and decide this is all just not worth it. I'm not worth it.... my kids are small hellions on occasion, and with one sick, one who's erupted into a snarky tween it's not always fun around here. I get that.

On one hand I can't blame him. I'm scared of my life some days, it's too much to handle for me, and I'm their mother, how can I expect ANYONE to want this?

Yesterday I felt so very loved and understood...today I'm just confused, and honestly I'm scared he's finally come to his senses. Add to that the weight I've gained recently and, well... I just feel like shit tonight.

About Me

There are many words to describe me. Survivor, Mother, Daughter, Lover. I'm engaged to an amazing man and exploring this second chance at happiness. I have four kids, two dogs, and one restraining order on my psychotic ex-husband. This is my place to be honest with myself and work through my multitude of issues. Grab a cuppa' Joe and stay awhile. There's more to me than meets the eye.

Followers

Cast of Characters

You'll often hear me refer to the following people in my life:

BLT: The Fiance'- a guitar player, artist, and all around freaking hot as hell man in my life. I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be honest. Good lord I hope he doesn't wise up and figure out he can do better!

Ethel: My best friend since childhood. She is the Ethel to my Lucy, and we get into rediculous and crazy spots together. Her patience with me is legendary. She should be sainted.

Chef: My oldest child - and an amazing cook, a teenage Paula Dean! This one has goals for the future that include the Air Force and Medical School.

Lady Bug: My second child. Very sweet, but very dramatic and a bit flakey. A lover of music, glitter and small animals.

TNT: My loud, willfull, and emotional third child. A lot of bang in a tiny package. Broken bones aren't uncommon. There is just too much energy and not enough healthy fear in this one!

Monkey Pants: The baby of the family. We know we spoil her... none of us can help it. She counts on those big doe eyes to keep her out of trouble. Sometimes it even works!

Fraggle: BLT's toddler. We hope to all be a family soon when Fraggle comes to live with us. Crazy curls and and an absolute show off in a tutu make her one of a kind.

X: The ex husband who is the major headache in my life. Released from jail after only 19 months for trying to shoot me... he is now doing everything possible to cause me grief through the courts while just barely toeing the line and not violating my restraining order. My daily prayers that he be eatten by rabid animals have gone unanswered.