Wagner Releases Whacked-Out Report, Just To See If Anyone’s Listening

(HARRISBURG) – Pennsylvania Auditor General and former soap opera hunk Jack Wagner today released a broad report on topics ranging from the state budget to sexually transmitted disease, apparently just to see if anyone was paying attention.

Wagner’s report said the Commonwealth is “$12 kajillion in debt;” prostitution is “running rampant” in the Department of Public Welfare; drillers tapping into the state’s Marcellus shale gas formation are hiring midgets “at alarming rates;” Pennsylvania “wasted a fortune turning the Capitol water fountain pink for breast cancer awareness;” and “autism is the new Herpes.”

The document went on to recommend that the General Assembly be reduced from 253 to 12 lawmakers; that the name of “Wednesday” be changed to “Wagsday;” that all casinos be required to install stripper poles; and that Wynonna Judd be named the state dog.

Several individuals implicated in the report were contacted for this story, but said they had heard of neither the report nor Wagner.

“The name rings a bell,” said acting DGS Secretary Michael Nardone. “Is he a professional golfer?”

State Attorney General Tom Corbett, a row officer like Wagner, said he is “not sure what the hell the auditor general’s job is,” but he pledged to find out before becoming governor.