My Most Embarrassing Bedroom Moments

I have chronic insomnia, so when I'm struggling with a particularly brutal bout of sleep deprivation, my doctor will sometimes prescribe a short regimen of the popular snooze tablet. However, Ambien gives me one unexpected side effect: black-out sex.

Because of my overactive sexual imagination, I am prone to extremely embarrassing behavior while under the influence. I didn't realize that you have to be in bed and ready to sleep when you take the medicine. So the first time I swallowed the pill, I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my wife, and about 20 minutes later I must have blacked out. Apparently part of my brain thought I was sleeping peacefully, while the other part thought it was time to party. According to my wife's testimony, the following events occurred.

I began to sway from side to side while watching television. My wife turned to me and said, "Bunny, what are you doing?"

"Woah, there's so much motion in the ocean," I replied. "Whoosh, whoosh."

My wife then helped hold me steady as we walked to the bedroom. She laid me down in bed and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she returned I was dancing naked in a red tutu, turning pirouettes. Then, when I saw her, I grabbed the bedpost and said, "Let me show you what I learned in dance class." I proceeded to grind on the post, demonstrating my slick moves from pole-dancing class. Afterwards, she got lucky.

The next morning, when she told me about what I had done, I realized that maybe it would help if I took the pill while lying down, just before sleeping. Nope, I tried, and it did not help.

Anytime I take the sleeping tablet, I will attack my wife and smother her in kisses. Very cute, right? Yes, except that at some point I start to hallucinate, and then I jerk away from her, screaming something like:

"You look like a motorcycle rider on fire!"

"You look like an ancient Chinese man harvesting rice!"

"Watch out or you will be swallowed by the alien!"

Most recently, she woke up in the middle of the night, and I must have sleep-walked to the bathroom, because she found me there, naked, of course, drawing my logo on the bathroom mirrors and writing, "Sponsored by Juicy Pink Box." What was sponsored? My shower? I really don't understand where these ideas come from.

My embarrassing intimate moments have not been limited to hazy, half-sleeping encounters; I have also had awkward moments while fully conscious.

Once in law school I was dating a girl, and right after I finished going down on her, she looked at me between her legs and said, "You know, sometimes I wake up in the morning and my cat is licking my pussy."

I broke up with her after that.

Right before I met my wife I was binge dating, and I met a cute girl online. We went for dinner, and per my usual player methods, I brought her home with me to hook up. At the time I was really into wearing garter belts and stockings, particularly while on dates, because the undergarments made me feel super sexy. We were making out on the loveseat in my living room when she put her hand up my skirt. She moved her hand slowly up my thigh, and then all of a sudden she stopped and leaned back.

"What's this?" she asked, her hand still on my thigh.

"What's what?"

She patted her hand on the clasp where the stockings hooked to the garter belt. She then lifted up my skirt and pointed to the garter belt. "This. What is this?"

I was really confused, considering that the girl was in her mid-20s and American.

"Um, it's lingerie," I told her.

"What's lingerie?" she asked, overemphasizing the word "lingerie," giving me the distinct feeling that she was mocking me.

"Are you serious?" I asked her.

"Yeah, what is it? What is lingerie?" She continued.

"Oh my god, it's just underwear," I said. And at that I took her hand off my thigh, pushed my skirt down, and stood up. Somehow we still ended up having sex, but it was just as awkward as our conversation. In the morning, while lying in bed, we agreed to be "just friends."

Listen, I've had plenty of good sex, and in other columns I'll talk about that. When the burning shame of past embarrassments starts to come in, I like to take comfort in the fact that I can laugh at myself. My sex life may never be perfect, but it will always be entertaining.

I'm excited about my next column! I will be interviewing transsexual porn star Madison Montag about the most intimate details of her sex life and what it was like growing up trans. See you soon, friends.