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IELTS WRITING

Dear Sir,
I will take the IELTS text a few days later. I worte an artile yesterday.Can you amend it for me thoroughly. :)
Yours Sincerely
SunnyLiu

Topic: People are more and more worried about crime. In some public places there are TV cameras so that the police can watch people. Some people say this is necessary for security. Others believe it is an invasion of privacy. What is your opinion? Give reasons.

Nowadays surveillance cameras are widely used in public places such as supermarkets, shopping malls, banks and airports to supervise the action of human beings. As a result, the policemen can better protect people’s life and wealth by using it. However, some think that is a violation of human rights and suggest that we should get rid of such kind of machine from our daily life. Personally, I do not think their decision make any sense.

To start with, the utilizing of the TV cameras reduces the percentage of crime. Firstly, under the supervision of cameras, people will pay more attention to their behaviors when they are being in the public places in the hope that they would not make an objection to the discipline. Secondly, TV cameras can decrease the chances of stealing and robbing by the live supervision. Thirdly, the using of surveillance cameras prevents theft without annoying the customs.

Furthermore, using surveillance cameras in public places is the best way to protect the consumers’ interests. Obviously, a camera is more effective than security guards owing to the 24hours supervision. Indeed, a camera is much more objective. Sometimes our eyes might deceive us, while a machine can record exactly what happens. It can prevent much unnecessary embarrassment, too.

After taking account all of their qualifications, I reach the conclusion that TV cameras are necessary ingredients for social security and legal reinforcement in the modern life. Obviously, it is high time that we accepted the TV cameras without doubting.

Re: IELTS WRITING

Topic: People are more and more worried about crime. In some public places there are TV cameras so that the police can watch people. Some people say this is necessary for security. Others believe it is an invasion of privacy. What is your opinion? Give reasons.

Nowadays surveillance cameras are widely used in public places such as supermarkets, shopping malls, banks and airports to supervise the action (plural?) of human beings (how about people's actions?) . As a result, the policemen (I'd just say 'police' as many are women) can better protect people’s life (lives) and wealth by using it. However, some think that (I'd use 'this') is a violation of human rights and suggest that we should get rid of such kind of machine from our daily life. Personally, I do not think their decision makes any sense (How about 'a great deal of sense').

To start with, the utilizing of (I'd delete 'the'and'of' and I'd probably say simply'using') the TV cameras reduces the percentage of crime (I'd say the crime rate, not percentage) . Firstly, under the supervision of cameras, people will pay more attention to their behaviors (Uncountable noun) when they are being (delete being) in the public places in the hope that they would not make an objection to the discipline. Secondly, CCTV cameras can decrease the chances of stealing and robbing by the live supervision. Thirdly, the using (use) of surveillance cameras prevents theft without annoying the customers.

Furthermore, using surveillance cameras in public places is the best way to protect the consumers’ interests. Obviously, a camera is more effective than security guards owing to the 24-hour supervision. Indeed, a camera is much more objective. Sometimes our eyes might deceive us, while a machine can record exactly what happens. It can prevent much unnecessary embarrassment, too.

After taking account all of their qualifications (qualities) , I reach the conclusion that TV cameras are necessary ingredients for social (delete social- social security means thingsa like unemployment benefit- use public) security and legal reinforcement in the modern life. Obviously, it is high time that we accepted the CCTV cameras without doubting.[/quote]