The Truth Is Out There

As per your request, I have investigated the persistent disrepair of our production team’s Xerox2000RQXColorSpeed. The system’s twelve error messages all trace back to a single source: sideways slippage of the main copier housing due to heavy pressure. This is unmistakably connected to the strange appearance in the recycling bin of multiple color copies of two large, fleshy globules, one marked with a strange sign.

Some might say that a “reasonable explanation” would be access to the copier after hours by some person or persons with both a copier code and a tattoo of a fish leaping up a waterfall on their right buttock. But if we set aside “logic” there is a clear conclusion: the copier room must be situated on the intersection of two ley lines. These powerful beacons helped aliens land their ships thousands of years ago, and have puzzled mainstream scientists for centuries. Now, they alter the very nature of our toner cartridge.

Mr. P, thanks for the clarification on “personal food” and “coffee maker politeness.” I agree that names written in indelible marker on plastic lunch containers should be respected.

Examining the available evidence, we are left with many questions. What human would be able to leave exactly one-quarter inch of coffee in the pot without starting a new one, every time? Who in modern civilization could be so precise without any means of empirical measurement? How is it possible that any single staff member at The History Channel would be able to identify and distinguish leftover Chinese (yuck!) from a delicious meatloaf sandwich sealed in impregnable, fully-burped Tupperware? I believe this is a mystery we may never solve.

I’d like to further document the “unexplained” consumption of 14GB of streamed video content believed to have originated from the terminal at my desk.

If we research ancient texts, predating recorded human “history,” we see that pre-human societies—such as Atlantis—revered the human figure. So much so that they inspired aliens to visit Earth, impregnate human women, and mutate the underlying structure of our DNA, leading to superhuman strength, superhuman intelligence, and the skin color of John Boehner.

In order to fully investigate these claims, we must closely examine the human form in all possible permutations including social groupings of two or more females and one male; a male of one race with a female of another, and multiple males interacting with a single female. After reviewing more than 76 hours of “XTube,” I can assure you, this hypothesis is not only possible, but quite plausible.

Thank you for the opportunity to clarify certain matters by adding this letter to my personnel file.

Re: Samantha Collins’ assertions that I contributed to a “hostile work environment”

Examining the available evidence, I am struck by several strange “coincidences.”

1) Ms. Collins recently returned from a vacation spent almost entirely in the Florida Keys. (Source: 35 photos posted to Facebook in a “private” album featuring Ms. Collins in beachwear, daywear, and a smokin’ pink sequin minidress.)

2) The recently-removed poster in the fifth-floor break room included the information that Miss July “loves sandy beaches…and what you can do on them.” (Source: personal knowledge of said poster.)

3) Last week, during the same time that Ms. Collins received several “harassing” calls from a number that appeared to be mine, Earth Astronauts docked at the Space Station in order to “refuel.” (Source: CNN.)

There is only one conclusion possible from the intersection of these facts. The Ancient Aliens production studio building is in fact one point of a “Dragon’s Triangle” in which my colleagues, notably Ms. Collins but probably also Ms. Marshall, Ms. Peterson, and perhaps even Mrs. Pulaski, have been abducted and replaced by alien “changelings.” Could it be that these aliens in human form have misinterpreted my friendly greetings each hour? That their unfamiliarity with our “Earth ways” led them to believe that a simple hug, or compliments on personal grooming were instead “a totally gross come-on”?

I believe a closer examination of the Magna Carta, the Book of Deuteronomy, the Declaration of Independence, and “Shakespeare’s” Complete Works will bear out my theory, and I urge you to challenge your “logical” beliefs and set aside “science” for an unbiased review of all available evidence.

I have the greatest respect for you, my colleagues, and The History Channel, and I hope that following my two-week suspension from the Ancient Aliens production team, we will be able to put these matters behind us.

___________________________________________________whipchick's guy had Ancient Aliens on TV for 6 hours yesterday. However, it was while he cleaned the entire house, so go aliens! Crop circles for everyone! Yes, please tell me exactly where the Ark of the Covenant is! My floors are spotless!