Antivirals we need

Virus (noun) — a small infectious agent that replicates inside other organisms.

Over the course of my endeavors, I have identified three different strains of viruses, which by the way is the correct plural form, that pose significant risks to the health and ultimately survival of contemporary scientists and the people around them. It is thus of uttermost importance to swiftly identify antiviral agents and treatment regimen for the following three raging infections.

Strain A

Virus: MBA (allegedly short for Mediocre But Arrogant)

Patient: The pharmaceutical industry

Medical history: First symptoms of infection manifested more than three decades ago, slow progression from simple rashes to open flesh wounds and severe, treatment-resistant trauma to the central nervous system, patient as of now in critical condition

Prognosis: Bad

Treatment: Unknown

Strain B

Virus: Endorsement

Patient: All LinkedIn users

Medical history: Sudden onset about a year ago, users annoyed by a blue box taking up most of the screen and trying to get rid of it but misclick are instantly infected, as are all their contacts

Prognosis: Fair to good, as it is widely believed Strain B is digging its own grave

Treatment: For the time being, unknown

Strain C

Virus: Metrics

Patient: Mankind

Medical history: Weak-minded middle managers, grant office personnel, Lean Sigma black-belts(sic!) and phrenologists, have for a long time felt urged to measure the immeasurable and implementing the rubbish that comes out, resulting in a myriad of symptoms, such as racism, nepotism, counterproductive reorganizations, brain-drain and on a individual level – unemployment and suicide, at the time of writing Strain C seems to be spreading to every corner of society, pandemic