Remember how Z-Bo had a great year, and Memphis decided to lock him up for four years and $71 million, and everyone yelled You fools! It was a contract year! He's going to suck again for the next three years now! and Memphis didn't listen and did it anyway?

Things went bad around four in the morning, which is usually around the time that things tend to go bad at mansion parties hosted by NBA players with their own in-house drug dealer. Apparently there was a "disagreement over price", and four to seven men assaulted Beasley, beating him with a pool cue. For the cherry on top of this shit sundae, Randolph then allegedly took the product.

Beasley told police that Randolph wasn't involved in the beating, which is confusing in the light of his other statements but makes more sense when you remember that Randolph now has $71 million to throw around in order to keep people quiet. If need be. So he's not a suspect, and the league can't discipline him because of the lockout, and if Zach Randolph invites you back to his mansion to race ATVs and shoot guns and party with his "Hoops Family," just don't.