Friday, 31 August 2012

Life, interrupted again.

I've had moments when I have felt so sad but had no-one to turn to. My resilience tank is running on empty.

Overwhelmed ! I can't say too much here.

My Life , a wild, scary roller-coaster ride ...not much coasting along, though lots of screams.

It is two weeks since my 2nd Chemo and I'm on the countdown to my 3rd cycle next Friday. Physically, I feel better and less weary.

I've got chemo brain memory loss, and now missed the same appointment twice with Speech therapist at Community Health Centre. I haven't the courage to call and apologise a 2nd time ...yet.

I'm not a hypochondriac but every twinge and little pimple or bump thing has me worried.

Now, I am bald, I feel very self conscious and uncomfortable in social situations ... kind of does my hair look alright - sans hair !

I'm nervous about driving and my confidence in everything is shaken. I can't really explain it.

I've yet to be fitted for proper breast prosthesis .The time is nie , now my scars are healing. A private fitting is being organised. I still don't know what clothes I can wear, when winter clothes won't hide cover me up. I threw out 4 bags of clothes the other day.

Yesterday, was the second time I've worn a bra (in over 9wks), with soft 'stuffing' ,because my friend encouraged me to go to the gym. It was good to get back into it but daunting.

I am still paranoid people are looking weirdly at me giving me the once over, twice !!

The bright spot that made me grateful this week was receiving a beautiful care package of some gorgeous headscarves from the sister of one of my readers, M. I'll tell you more about Lily in another post. Lily, also cheered me up when she called me too on the weekend.

this one too - http://www.amoena.com/us/Products/Scarves/Cotton/Anemone.htm

I still have to learn to tie the scarves, fashionably, and work around the interference with my BAHA hearing aid. The friction of the fabric covering it makes white noise or squeals but it isn't too unbearable once I get it positioned right.

I get 'sore' ears though from having my ears wrapped up/in...like when you've been too long on the phone.

Grief ; it's so complex. I'm still trying to absorb it into my life . I know it has changed me as a person. Interrupted and changed my whole life in fact. My whole circle of friends. A new online community and some of whom became real life friends as dear as any I have known for years.

What do you know this week ?

Update - The Speech therapist called me , I'm so grateful she is very understanding ; )