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Vote for Me/ It's a Joke on CD

It is a bunch of weird strange funny songs and some are about runny for President but most are just weird funny songs that I wrote at the time. Often before each song though I explain why you should vote for me. Will I get elected perhaps not but I bet you will laugh and Dr Demento did play the Title Tract 4 times and once it was on the Funny 5.Here are the lyrics: 1.Cheap Romance Hi I'm The Next gonna be the next President I'm a candidate running and I just want to say I'm not perfect and there's a lot of woman out there that I don't remember there names and they're really pretty and they treat me really nice and then all of a sudden their angry at me because I didn't remember their names or I don't have a lot of money. I just want to say to them I think they're nice any how and I'm not God or perfect and that's why I'm a good choice because I'm honest and I'm telling you this now Darling the glasses are plastic Champagne is imported from Chicago Darling the glasses are plastic Your hairs all done all up with 16 layers of hairspray you got from a can out of the garbage Your earings are dime store brass Your dress is polyester Your earings are dime store brass I'm wearing an expensive suit I got at goodwill for a dollar Darling the glasses are tin Champagne is imported from Fitchburg Darling the glasses are tine Your wearing some perfume that you borrowed from the Avon Lady We're eating caviar from a TV dinner We're watching a romantic movie on the neighbor's TV though their window We're eating caviar from a TV dinner I love you, I want to marry you here's a ring I got from a crackerjack box I love you, I want to marry you here's a ring I got from a crackerjack box 2. Boyfriend's Mean I like her She's my type I want to date her I'd rather save my life She's really pretty But her boyfriend's mean She's really pretty But her boyfriend's mean She calls me up Late at night She says let's go out I'd rather save my life 3.Darling I'm In Love But And if I'm elected President I promise to do my best to get confused and wake up all full of a mess and what was we talking about anyway Darling I'm in love but Darling I'm in love but It's with your alter ego It's with your pet beagle Darling I'm in love but Darling I'm in love but It's with your best friend It's with you Aunt Gwen Darling I'm in love but Darling I'm in love but It's with your money It's with your Sister Jenny 4.How Do You Like My Pet ? Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house I know he's not small like your pet mouse Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house Can my tyrannosaurus rex play in your swimming pool Can my tyrannosaurus rex play in your swimming pool He's not small, no he's really huge Can my tyrannosaurus rex play in your swimming pool & can my tyrannosaurus rex eat dinner with you Can my tyrannosaurus rex eat dinner with you Can my tyrannosaurus rex-You know doesn't eat a little, he eats a ton of food Can my tyrannosaurus rex eat dinner with you Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house How about my pet Cyclops 5. Kurt Cobain 1.Kurt Cobain What a shame He threw his life Down the drain 2.Was he insane From fortune and fame Or was it too much Drugs,heroin and cocaine ? 3.I don't know What's the blame But he's dead He shot himself in the brain 6. Worst Pie Darling I love you,I really care My feelings for you are more than rare I went to the store and guess what I did buy Chorus: It's a peppermint rasberry butterscotch pie Sicks around and gathers flies Makes you puke and want to die Hit your neighbor in the eye With a peppermint rasberry butterscotch pie Step right up to the refrigerator Look inside the door There's something there that's been there for years To open the package would give me tears I don't know if it's got mold but it's really really really old 7. It was Late one December night When My Dad saw a real bright red light So he thought it just might Be a reindeer in flight So he pull out his gun And he bagged him one We're gonna have a venison Christmas this year Rudolph on the grill We're gonna have a venison Christmas this year You can come on over too Well some people like to eat turkey And some people like to eat ham Some people like beef jerky And some people like eat spam I don't know what your serving But we're having venison Fred: Wait a minute ! Just 7 lyrics ? Sam: Well you know even the gnomes are no longer on strike they can only work part time because or the Christmas rush. Santa was a little short on help I mean Elfs are kind of short to begin with but this year they are shorter for some reason ? Announcer: We interrupt this discussion between Fred and Sam to bring you more lyrics: 8.Police Rap Start out the scene of the crime He robbed -He robbed the bank He took off with the money To his hide away We know-we know you in there Come out with your hands in the air We know-we know you in there Come out with your hands in the air The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere They know who you are They know what your doing They know where they are They know what your doing The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere Put your hands down Put your hands down They're the FBI They're the CIA They bugged your apartment And they got you in their computer The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere 9. Vote for Me/It's a Joke This song was inspired by a friend of mine who used to work at hidden treasures and hired me to perform there a couple of times. Well one time while performing there we were talking about running for Mayor or President and he said if you ran you could always say it was a joke. Vote for me/It's a joke I would rather/Be the Pope If I have to/I'll drink Coke Hey I'm desperate/I need the job I'm broke Vote for me/It's a joke I'll take a bath/And use real soap Comb my hair/Real nice So what if/I've got lice And if I'm elected President I won't do anything Just sit around and collect the money Invite my friends over to play poker And tell jokes that are funny Vote for me/It's a joke Famous people/I misquote Tell you that/It's all true Vote for me/Be a fool Vote for me/It's a joke I don't care/If you smoke I don't care/If you choke Just before you die/Make sure you vote THIS IS FOLLOWED BY A RIFF on the guitar that gets louder,higher and faster until it ends and I act like I'm pushing a button and then I blow the KAZOO and say: What button did I push ? 10.Punk Rock In The White House In the news today there was a disturbance at the white house It seems the neighbors were complaining about the noise they heard It was coming from the place where they have all the parties And the police drove up there to check it out They had Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Well you know when the police got inside they saw the President had a Mohawk The Vice President had tattoos on both his arms The President's wife was wearing a leather jacket They were all getting down to the sound of the clash and the ramones They had Punk Rock in the white house Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Well if I'm elected President you know what I mean Things got to be a little different yeah we've got to change some things One things for certain I'd like to state We need some new music that old music's out of date We need Punk Rock in the white house Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse 11. Love, Love, Love You turn on the radio You flip the switch You think you're going to hear a good song But what you hear Sounds just like this Hey buddy were you wrong Cause it's: (High Voice) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love Pop song Top 4orty Well it's just 2 chords And sometimes The singer gets off key But everyone buys it Anyhow Ain't that strange indeed Cause it's: (High Voice) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Hey did I say love Well I meant love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love Pop song Top 4orty Well later on When the singer gets (You know)real old Well they don't forget about him They bring him back To do alot of reunion shows And it's: (High Voice) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love~~~ Everybody now Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Pop song Top 4orty Well even later After the singer's dead And you don't hear that song anymore Then some new singer comes along And they like it And they decide to record And it's: (Low Voice now) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love Pop song Top 4orty 12. The Sky is Dead Ah this next song is kind of serious it's about the end times. I don't think we have to worry about it yet but it might happen and I was reading revelation and that's where I got the idea for this song. The sky is dead The sky is dead The sun turn blood red The sky is dead The moon was Blotted out The sky is dead The sky is dead The skyyyyyyyyyyyy Is dead The stars All left their spots The sky is dead The sky is dead And the clouds All rolled up like a scroll The sky is dead The sky is dead The skyyyyyyyyyyyy Is dead The locust Have all ate the crops And the water Turn to blood The sky is dead The sky is dead The skyyyyyyyyyyyy Is dead 13. It's Hell It' real hot fire and brimstone Everyone cries and gnashes their teeth Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! No one's really got to go there unless they don't want God To take away their sins that's why Jesus died Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! Alot people say Hell is a cool place to go But how would they know they've never been there Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! I didn't really write this song no it came to me in a dream Maybe God was trying to say hey wake up I'm not sure Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! 14. There's Still Hope Well I just want to say those last 2 songs were kind of scary but I did want to remind people about the great thing that's going to happen that Jesus is coming back and um also that God loves us and doesn't want any to perish but that all people would come to the knowledge of the truth of him and repent and get saved and become born again. There's hope for anyone that really wants to come to the Lord, they could and also you know God loves you. 15. Pizza Well back to humor again and here we are and I just wanted to say you should come down and we're gonna have a pizza party and you can Vote for Me and Elect me as your President and endorse me at this pizza party and I'm gonna sing a song about the pizza party Pizza, pizza, pizza I want a piece of pizza Anchovies and pineapple on your pizza I said pizza, pizza, pizza Some people want peace, I want pizza Spinach and broccoli on your pizza Ice cream and cake on my pizza Oh no ! Don't puke on my pizza Don't you just love pizza Pizza, anchovy, pizza How about a wig on your pizza How about pork and pretzels on your pizza Some new dressing for salad on your pizza Maybe French or salad thousand island dressing on your pizza Make hamburgers with cheese on your pizza Pizza, pizza, pizza 16. Baby If you want to be my baby then your gonna be my baby And if your gonna be my baby than you should And if you would be my baby than you could be my baby And if you could be my baby that would be good But if you said maybe you don't mean baby And baby that ain't no good Cause when I say baby I don't mean maybe Hey baby is that understood There's a lot things in this life that just don't look right And they don't look like they should If your gonna buy the water make sure it's safe water And if your gonna buy a car look under the hood Say if you want to be my baby then your gonna be my baby And if your gonna be my baby than you should But if you said maybe you don't mean baby Hey baby is that understood There's a lot things in this life, just don't look right Don't look like they should So if you want to be my baby then you oughta be my baby And if you oughta be my baby that be good But when I say baby I don't mean maybe Hey baby is that understood 17 Blunt Why don't you come over anymore? Why do you stay away? Why did you change your phone number? Just cause I called you 50 million times each day Why don't you like my new suit? Hey it's designed in plaid Don't you like the new colon I'm wearing? It smells like garlic the latest fad Why did you put sharks in the swimming pool? Why did you try to make me drown? Why did you write all across the sky: Hey honey I don't want you around? Hey it's a mystery to me Hey I don't even understand Are you saying you really hate me? Or are you saying you really think I'm grand? 18.Vote for Me/It's a Joke again' Hey now when you go and vote I want you Your Brainwashed I am brainwashing you on this tape You must vote for Art Paul Schlosser Say it with me Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Are you brainwashed ? Now go and vote Remember Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Your brainwashed You must vote for me 19. Misery Loves Company 1.What are you doing tonight ? Whatever it is I guess, it's alright Cause I learned along time ago not to fight Especially with a woman with a knife Chorus: And I still love you dear Though we've been going out for 16 million years Oh your ugly,you sing bad,you wear a wig and drink beer I've got worts,I stink,I'm blind,deaf and I can't hear So I guess that we belong together Cause realisticly you and me couldn't find anyone other Oh I'll stick to you,you stick to me Cause you know misery loves company 2.And if you ever decide to leave me Well you know your just gonna grieve me Oh it's not that I really love you It's just that once your gone there will be no one to argue 20. In an Echoe of a Moment In a echoe echoe echoe Of a moment moment In a moment of a moment In a glimmer glimmer glimmer Of a rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme I was I was thinking thinking thinking of the future And I never never never saw the sign sign sign Though though though though I wanted I wanted to be o o o open And my feeling feeling feelings they we're fine fine fine fine I just never read read read read the letter letter letter Though I said I said I would would would In time time time Tic tic tic tic tic push Now the life life gate life life gate is closing closing closing And the church bells they do chime ding ding ding chime And all the hoping all the hoping all the hoping And all the dreaming dreaming dreaming It just never pays never pays never pays to pine pine pine I could reason I could reason with your senses I could reason with your senses If I hadn't been if I hadn't been so blind if I hadn't been so blind But it never pays expenses never never never never pays expenses If you work work work on on on borrowed time time time time Tic tic tic tic tic ... So tic tic tic ... So So So I thought I pay a nickel I thought I pay a nickel for every single dime that I paid me a quarter for a dollar of my mind No of your mind No of my mind Okay let me read this again So I thought I pay a nickel for every single dime that you pay me a quarter for a dollar of my mind So I thought I pay a nickel for every single dime that you pay me a quarter for a dollar of my mind You would have you would have about a dozen you would have about a dozen Not to mention all twine That it took for me to reach you reach you reach you When I had to clible and climb and climb and climb and climb and climb and climb Now I know the day is over and I see it in the sign Of the sun that is setting of the love we left behind So I only say this one thing though I know it isn't mine That love is more than just a moment It is a growing vine Love is more than just a moment It is a growing vine Love is more than just a moment It is a growing vine vine vine 21. You Draw Snakes Your way and I'll Drawn Snakes my way 1.You draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way You may think mine are weird,I think they're okay It doesn't really matter I can't hear what you say You draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way 2.You know there are alot of different cars that fly by the highway Or humans eat pizza,horses eat hay There's alot of different fish that swim in the bay You draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way (I recently wrote one more verse to this) 3.Not everbody agrees on everything A fact is a fact and an opinion is an opinion You may not like the way I sing Well you draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way 22. Techno Ravioli Techno Techno Techno-rave T-techno-rave T-techno-rave Techno Does your Does your Mother Does your Mother know Does your Mother know Does your Mother Does your Mother know you're here Does your Mother know Does your Mother know you're here Do you know This This is the President This is the President of the United States This is the President of This is the President of the United States Techno Techno Ravioli Tech Techno Techno Ravioli Ravioli With techno shots Techno -rave Ravioli with techno shots Does your Mother Does your Mother hear Do you know Do you know Do you hear Does your Mother hear Do you know Do you know if you hear This is a pretzel with a dent from a heavy slate This is a pretzel with a dent from a heavy slate What are you doing ? 23. Free Speech 1.I'd like to tell you a word or two about my faith I don't want to be angry, no I don't want to hate But if you say free speech, yeah that's what you teach Then how come every time I say Jesus, you say don't preach Chorus: Freedom ! Freedom ! Freedom everywhere ! Some people want the freedom so they can swear Freedom ! Freedom ! I want it to ! I want to freedom to say Jesus loves you 2.And now you know just where I stand So you can go ahead and arrest me Mr. Policeman Put me in jail, there to rot Still I want the freedom to believe in God 24. I Don't Have To Swear Chorus: I don't have to swear to prove I'm cool Maybe you care, maybe you don't want to Hey, I'm here and I'm rapping for you But I don't have to swear to prove I'm cool 1.Fellows say And the woman I'm not okay Because I'm not cursing Hey, that's alright It don't bother me Day or night I'm still happy I'm not trying to be like them I don't need to swear to have friends 2.You may scream and you may shout But what person will control their mouth? Be concerned with what others hear Speak wise and prudent words 25.Big Toes You maybe wondering why I like you Yeah you may want to know Well it's not cause of your hair Or you eyes that glow No it's not cause your rich I know you got a lot of dough Well you know the real reason is You've got big toes Big toes, big toes, big toes, big toes My Baby she's got real big toes Kazoo My Baby she's got real big toes Well there's a lot of women out there That really put on a show Some can dance You know and some can do tricks with a yoyo Some they like to dress up And some they play Rock N Roll But none compare to my women She's got big toes 26. Needs More Money Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money Hey this ain't silly I'm not trying to be funny Our government it needs more money Pass around the hat We'll put some in Still it won't save congress from their sin Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money I'd like to take you out But I can't honey Cause our government it needs more money Hey they were gonna reduce the budget But instead they decided to double it Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money Maybe we should ask The Easter Bunny Cause our government it needs more money Well the new administration Has the solution To help stop all of the pollution And to reduce the budget Here's a fact We need a gas guzzling tax Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money I'm not complaining About the economy But our government it needs more money Well I'll do my best And you do what you can Maybe the government will do something But if it don't Or if it do They'll still figure a way of taxing you Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money You know I ain't no dummy Our government it needs more money Well pretty soon They're gonna have An election There's a lot of Good choices For tax collection There's Republicans Democrats And those independent Candidates Well it once Was said The only good candidate is one that's dead Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money I just heard Dracula's running Our government it needs more money Kazoo Maybe we should vote For Abraham Lincoln For our government it needs more thinking 27. I'm Blue Ahoo Ahoo Ahoo I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo You know it's true ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo Don't know what I'm gonna do It's cause of you I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo (then there is alot of different weird crying sounds) You know the other day I went to the Zoo You know all those monkeys running around they reminded me of you Yeah I'm blue I'm really blue Don't know what I'll do It's cause of your I said I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo Don't know what I'll do ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo It's cause of you Don't know what I'll do I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo 28. John Chapter 9 Disciple: Master who sinned This man or his parents That he was born blind ? Jesus: No one sinned This man or his parents But this happened that the work of God may be revealed through him Narrator: At this Jesus took clay and spat on it Anointed the blind man's eye with it Told him to go wash in the pool translated sent The blind man washed and came back seeing Neighbor 1: Is this the man we new that was born blind ? Neighbor 2: No that's not the man that we knew that was born blind Neighbor 3: It looks like the man that we knew that was born blind Blind Man: I am him I was blind And now I see Narrator: They took him to the Pharisees and the Pharisees ask him Pharisees: How are you able to see ? Blind Man: Jesus anointed my eyes with clay I washed in the pool and came back seeing Narrator: Well the Pharisees asked his parents Pharisees: Is this your boy that was born blind ? The Parents: Oh he is our boy and you know that was blind but how he is able to see we do not know Why don't you ask him yourself You know he is of age Narrator: This they said so they wouldn't be kick out of the temple The Pharisees went back to the blind man Pharisees: How are you able to see ? Blind Man: I told you once what-what you want to be his disciples ? Pharisees: You are his disciples We are disciples of Moses We know where Moses came from Where this guy came from we do not know Blind Man: That's interesting You don't even know where he came from Since the beginning of time no ones been able to heal a man born blind If he was not of God he could do nothing Narrator: The Pharasees said to him Pharisees: You have been steep in sin since the very day your were born How dare you lecture us Narrator : They kicked him out of the temple Jesus heard that they had kick him out of the temple Jesus came to him Jesus: Do you believe in the Messiah Blind Man: Who is he Lord that I may believe in him Jesus: I Jesus am the Messiah The one your now talking to For judgement I have come into the world That those who are blind may be able to see And those who see may become blind Let them that have ears hear Narrator: The Pharisees that were traveling with Jesus ask him Pharisees traveling with Jesus: Are you saying that we are blind also Jesus: If you were Blind Narrator: Jesus said Jesus: You'd be inocent But now that you say you can see you guilt remains Do you believe in the Messiah ? Us: Who is he Lord that we may believe in him Jesus: I Jesus am the Messiah The one who is to come 29.That's Right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right Now maybe some of you Have decided to Close your ears Cause the words that you hear You Don't think A guy like me Who you think sticks Can rap so keen Well I'm not trying To be so cool But I be lying If I said that you Knew exactly What your talking about The fact is That I doubt That anyone Who is staring at my skin Would be the one Who'd like my rapping That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white Well I'll keep the faith And not give up Even though prejudice Is not love Now hold back And think about it I don't do crack But I doubt it That you could understand If you have to see The color of my hand before you let me rap You know prejudice It's a laugh Ha ha ha ha That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white Ha ha ha ha 29. John Chapter 9 30. Be My Friend I like ice cream I like cake And I'd like you to be my friend I'm not very good At philosophy But one thing I know is let's be friends I'm not a politician I'm not running for office But still I say we need friends And if this whole world Would throw down their weapons Turn the other cheek and be friends Well maybe this world Would be a better place There'd be no war or violence, we'd be friends You don't have to be So highly political All you really need is to be friends And if this poem Never sells a million copies Still I say let's be friends Cause you don't need to be A big time celebrity To realize that you need friends I like ice cream I like cake And I'd like you to be my friend.

It is a bunch of weird strange funny songs and some are about runny for President but most are just weird funny songs that I wrote at the time. Often before each song though I explain why you should vote for me. Will I get elected perhaps not but I bet you will laugh and Dr Demento did play the Title Tract 4 times and once it was on the Funny 5.Here are the lyrics: 1.Cheap Romance Hi I'm The Next gonna be the next President I'm a candidate running and I just want to say I'm not perfect and there's a lot of woman out there that I don't remember there names and they're really pretty and they treat me really nice and then all of a sudden their angry at me because I didn't remember their names or I don't have a lot of money. I just want to say to them I think they're nice any how and I'm not God or perfect and that's why I'm a good choice because I'm honest and I'm telling you this now Darling the glasses are plastic Champagne is imported from Chicago Darling the glasses are plastic Your hairs all done all up with 16 layers of hairspray you got from a can out of the garbage Your earings are dime store brass Your dress is polyester Your earings are dime store brass I'm wearing an expensive suit I got at goodwill for a dollar Darling the glasses are tin Champagne is imported from Fitchburg Darling the glasses are tine Your wearing some perfume that you borrowed from the Avon Lady We're eating caviar from a TV dinner We're watching a romantic movie on the neighbor's TV though their window We're eating caviar from a TV dinner I love you, I want to marry you here's a ring I got from a crackerjack box I love you, I want to marry you here's a ring I got from a crackerjack box 2. Boyfriend's Mean I like her She's my type I want to date her I'd rather save my life She's really pretty But her boyfriend's mean She's really pretty But her boyfriend's mean She calls me up Late at night She says let's go out I'd rather save my life 3.Darling I'm In Love But And if I'm elected President I promise to do my best to get confused and wake up all full of a mess and what was we talking about anyway Darling I'm in love but Darling I'm in love but It's with your alter ego It's with your pet beagle Darling I'm in love but Darling I'm in love but It's with your best friend It's with you Aunt Gwen Darling I'm in love but Darling I'm in love but It's with your money It's with your Sister Jenny 4.How Do You Like My Pet ? Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house I know he's not small like your pet mouse Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house Can my tyrannosaurus rex play in your swimming pool Can my tyrannosaurus rex play in your swimming pool He's not small, no he's really huge Can my tyrannosaurus rex play in your swimming pool & can my tyrannosaurus rex eat dinner with you Can my tyrannosaurus rex eat dinner with you Can my tyrannosaurus rex-You know doesn't eat a little, he eats a ton of food Can my tyrannosaurus rex eat dinner with you Can my tyrannosaurus rex come in your house How about my pet Cyclops 5. Kurt Cobain 1.Kurt Cobain What a shame He threw his life Down the drain 2.Was he insane From fortune and fame Or was it too much Drugs,heroin and cocaine ? 3.I don't know What's the blame But he's dead He shot himself in the brain 6. Worst Pie Darling I love you,I really care My feelings for you are more than rare I went to the store and guess what I did buy Chorus: It's a peppermint rasberry butterscotch pie Sicks around and gathers flies Makes you puke and want to die Hit your neighbor in the eye With a peppermint rasberry butterscotch pie Step right up to the refrigerator Look inside the door There's something there that's been there for years To open the package would give me tears I don't know if it's got mold but it's really really really old 7. It was Late one December night When My Dad saw a real bright red light So he thought it just might Be a reindeer in flight So he pull out his gun And he bagged him one We're gonna have a venison Christmas this year Rudolph on the grill We're gonna have a venison Christmas this year You can come on over too Well some people like to eat turkey And some people like to eat ham Some people like beef jerky And some people like eat spam I don't know what your serving But we're having venison Fred: Wait a minute ! Just 7 lyrics ? Sam: Well you know even the gnomes are no longer on strike they can only work part time because or the Christmas rush. Santa was a little short on help I mean Elfs are kind of short to begin with but this year they are shorter for some reason ? Announcer: We interrupt this discussion between Fred and Sam to bring you more lyrics: 8.Police Rap Start out the scene of the crime He robbed -He robbed the bank He took off with the money To his hide away We know-we know you in there Come out with your hands in the air We know-we know you in there Come out with your hands in the air The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere They know who you are They know what your doing They know where they are They know what your doing The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere Put your hands down Put your hands down They're the FBI They're the CIA They bugged your apartment And they got you in their computer The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere The Police are everywhere 9. Vote for Me/It's a Joke This song was inspired by a friend of mine who used to work at hidden treasures and hired me to perform there a couple of times. Well one time while performing there we were talking about running for Mayor or President and he said if you ran you could always say it was a joke. Vote for me/It's a joke I would rather/Be the Pope If I have to/I'll drink Coke Hey I'm desperate/I need the job I'm broke Vote for me/It's a joke I'll take a bath/And use real soap Comb my hair/Real nice So what if/I've got lice And if I'm elected President I won't do anything Just sit around and collect the money Invite my friends over to play poker And tell jokes that are funny Vote for me/It's a joke Famous people/I misquote Tell you that/It's all true Vote for me/Be a fool Vote for me/It's a joke I don't care/If you smoke I don't care/If you choke Just before you die/Make sure you vote THIS IS FOLLOWED BY A RIFF on the guitar that gets louder,higher and faster until it ends and I act like I'm pushing a button and then I blow the KAZOO and say: What button did I push ? 10.Punk Rock In The White House In the news today there was a disturbance at the white house It seems the neighbors were complaining about the noise they heard It was coming from the place where they have all the parties And the police drove up there to check it out They had Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Well you know when the police got inside they saw the President had a Mohawk The Vice President had tattoos on both his arms The President's wife was wearing a leather jacket They were all getting down to the sound of the clash and the ramones They had Punk Rock in the white house Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Well if I'm elected President you know what I mean Things got to be a little different yeah we've got to change some things One things for certain I'd like to state We need some new music that old music's out of date We need Punk Rock in the white house Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse Punk Rock in the Whitehouse 11. Love, Love, Love You turn on the radio You flip the switch You think you're going to hear a good song But what you hear Sounds just like this Hey buddy were you wrong Cause it's: (High Voice) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love Pop song Top 4orty Well it's just 2 chords And sometimes The singer gets off key But everyone buys it Anyhow Ain't that strange indeed Cause it's: (High Voice) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Hey did I say love Well I meant love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love Pop song Top 4orty Well later on When the singer gets (You know)real old Well they don't forget about him They bring him back To do alot of reunion shows And it's: (High Voice) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love~~~ Everybody now Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Love love Pop song Top 4orty Well even later After the singer's dead And you don't hear that song anymore Then some new singer comes along And they like it And they decide to record And it's: (Low Voice now) I love you You love me Love love Love love Love love Love love Love Pop song Top 4orty 12. The Sky is Dead Ah this next song is kind of serious it's about the end times. I don't think we have to worry about it yet but it might happen and I was reading revelation and that's where I got the idea for this song. The sky is dead The sky is dead The sun turn blood red The sky is dead The moon was Blotted out The sky is dead The sky is dead The skyyyyyyyyyyyy Is dead The stars All left their spots The sky is dead The sky is dead And the clouds All rolled up like a scroll The sky is dead The sky is dead The skyyyyyyyyyyyy Is dead The locust Have all ate the crops And the water Turn to blood The sky is dead The sky is dead The skyyyyyyyyyyyy Is dead 13. It's Hell It' real hot fire and brimstone Everyone cries and gnashes their teeth Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! No one's really got to go there unless they don't want God To take away their sins that's why Jesus died Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! Alot people say Hell is a cool place to go But how would they know they've never been there Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! I didn't really write this song no it came to me in a dream Maybe God was trying to say hey wake up I'm not sure Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? Do you really want to go there? It's Hell! 14. There's Still Hope Well I just want to say those last 2 songs were kind of scary but I did want to remind people about the great thing that's going to happen that Jesus is coming back and um also that God loves us and doesn't want any to perish but that all people would come to the knowledge of the truth of him and repent and get saved and become born again. There's hope for anyone that really wants to come to the Lord, they could and also you know God loves you. 15. Pizza Well back to humor again and here we are and I just wanted to say you should come down and we're gonna have a pizza party and you can Vote for Me and Elect me as your President and endorse me at this pizza party and I'm gonna sing a song about the pizza party Pizza, pizza, pizza I want a piece of pizza Anchovies and pineapple on your pizza I said pizza, pizza, pizza Some people want peace, I want pizza Spinach and broccoli on your pizza Ice cream and cake on my pizza Oh no ! Don't puke on my pizza Don't you just love pizza Pizza, anchovy, pizza How about a wig on your pizza How about pork and pretzels on your pizza Some new dressing for salad on your pizza Maybe French or salad thousand island dressing on your pizza Make hamburgers with cheese on your pizza Pizza, pizza, pizza 16. Baby If you want to be my baby then your gonna be my baby And if your gonna be my baby than you should And if you would be my baby than you could be my baby And if you could be my baby that would be good But if you said maybe you don't mean baby And baby that ain't no good Cause when I say baby I don't mean maybe Hey baby is that understood There's a lot things in this life that just don't look right And they don't look like they should If your gonna buy the water make sure it's safe water And if your gonna buy a car look under the hood Say if you want to be my baby then your gonna be my baby And if your gonna be my baby than you should But if you said maybe you don't mean baby Hey baby is that understood There's a lot things in this life, just don't look right Don't look like they should So if you want to be my baby then you oughta be my baby And if you oughta be my baby that be good But when I say baby I don't mean maybe Hey baby is that understood 17 Blunt Why don't you come over anymore? Why do you stay away? Why did you change your phone number? Just cause I called you 50 million times each day Why don't you like my new suit? Hey it's designed in plaid Don't you like the new colon I'm wearing? It smells like garlic the latest fad Why did you put sharks in the swimming pool? Why did you try to make me drown? Why did you write all across the sky: Hey honey I don't want you around? Hey it's a mystery to me Hey I don't even understand Are you saying you really hate me? Or are you saying you really think I'm grand? 18.Vote for Me/It's a Joke again' Hey now when you go and vote I want you Your Brainwashed I am brainwashing you on this tape You must vote for Art Paul Schlosser Say it with me Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Are you brainwashed ? Now go and vote Remember Art Paul Schlosser Art Paul Schlosser Your brainwashed You must vote for me 19. Misery Loves Company 1.What are you doing tonight ? Whatever it is I guess, it's alright Cause I learned along time ago not to fight Especially with a woman with a knife Chorus: And I still love you dear Though we've been going out for 16 million years Oh your ugly,you sing bad,you wear a wig and drink beer I've got worts,I stink,I'm blind,deaf and I can't hear So I guess that we belong together Cause realisticly you and me couldn't find anyone other Oh I'll stick to you,you stick to me Cause you know misery loves company 2.And if you ever decide to leave me Well you know your just gonna grieve me Oh it's not that I really love you It's just that once your gone there will be no one to argue 20. In an Echoe of a Moment In a echoe echoe echoe Of a moment moment In a moment of a moment In a glimmer glimmer glimmer Of a rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme I was I was thinking thinking thinking of the future And I never never never saw the sign sign sign Though though though though I wanted I wanted to be o o o open And my feeling feeling feelings they we're fine fine fine fine I just never read read read read the letter letter letter Though I said I said I would would would In time time time Tic tic tic tic tic push Now the life life gate life life gate is closing closing closing And the church bells they do chime ding ding ding chime And all the hoping all the hoping all the hoping And all the dreaming dreaming dreaming It just never pays never pays never pays to pine pine pine I could reason I could reason with your senses I could reason with your senses If I hadn't been if I hadn't been so blind if I hadn't been so blind But it never pays expenses never never never never pays expenses If you work work work on on on borrowed time time time time Tic tic tic tic tic ... So tic tic tic ... So So So I thought I pay a nickel I thought I pay a nickel for every single dime that I paid me a quarter for a dollar of my mind No of your mind No of my mind Okay let me read this again So I thought I pay a nickel for every single dime that you pay me a quarter for a dollar of my mind So I thought I pay a nickel for every single dime that you pay me a quarter for a dollar of my mind You would have you would have about a dozen you would have about a dozen Not to mention all twine That it took for me to reach you reach you reach you When I had to clible and climb and climb and climb and climb and climb and climb Now I know the day is over and I see it in the sign Of the sun that is setting of the love we left behind So I only say this one thing though I know it isn't mine That love is more than just a moment It is a growing vine Love is more than just a moment It is a growing vine Love is more than just a moment It is a growing vine vine vine 21. You Draw Snakes Your way and I'll Drawn Snakes my way 1.You draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way You may think mine are weird,I think they're okay It doesn't really matter I can't hear what you say You draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way 2.You know there are alot of different cars that fly by the highway Or humans eat pizza,horses eat hay There's alot of different fish that swim in the bay You draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way (I recently wrote one more verse to this) 3.Not everbody agrees on everything A fact is a fact and an opinion is an opinion You may not like the way I sing Well you draw snakes your way and I'll draw them my way 22. Techno Ravioli Techno Techno Techno-rave T-techno-rave T-techno-rave Techno Does your Does your Mother Does your Mother know Does your Mother know Does your Mother Does your Mother know you're here Does your Mother know Does your Mother know you're here Do you know This This is the President This is the President of the United States This is the President of This is the President of the United States Techno Techno Ravioli Tech Techno Techno Ravioli Ravioli With techno shots Techno -rave Ravioli with techno shots Does your Mother Does your Mother hear Do you know Do you know Do you hear Does your Mother hear Do you know Do you know if you hear This is a pretzel with a dent from a heavy slate This is a pretzel with a dent from a heavy slate What are you doing ? 23. Free Speech 1.I'd like to tell you a word or two about my faith I don't want to be angry, no I don't want to hate But if you say free speech, yeah that's what you teach Then how come every time I say Jesus, you say don't preach Chorus: Freedom ! Freedom ! Freedom everywhere ! Some people want the freedom so they can swear Freedom ! Freedom ! I want it to ! I want to freedom to say Jesus loves you 2.And now you know just where I stand So you can go ahead and arrest me Mr. Policeman Put me in jail, there to rot Still I want the freedom to believe in God 24. I Don't Have To Swear Chorus: I don't have to swear to prove I'm cool Maybe you care, maybe you don't want to Hey, I'm here and I'm rapping for you But I don't have to swear to prove I'm cool 1.Fellows say And the woman I'm not okay Because I'm not cursing Hey, that's alright It don't bother me Day or night I'm still happy I'm not trying to be like them I don't need to swear to have friends 2.You may scream and you may shout But what person will control their mouth? Be concerned with what others hear Speak wise and prudent words 25.Big Toes You maybe wondering why I like you Yeah you may want to know Well it's not cause of your hair Or you eyes that glow No it's not cause your rich I know you got a lot of dough Well you know the real reason is You've got big toes Big toes, big toes, big toes, big toes My Baby she's got real big toes Kazoo My Baby she's got real big toes Well there's a lot of women out there That really put on a show Some can dance You know and some can do tricks with a yoyo Some they like to dress up And some they play Rock N Roll But none compare to my women She's got big toes 26. Needs More Money Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money Hey this ain't silly I'm not trying to be funny Our government it needs more money Pass around the hat We'll put some in Still it won't save congress from their sin Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money I'd like to take you out But I can't honey Cause our government it needs more money Hey they were gonna reduce the budget But instead they decided to double it Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money Maybe we should ask The Easter Bunny Cause our government it needs more money Well the new administration Has the solution To help stop all of the pollution And to reduce the budget Here's a fact We need a gas guzzling tax Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money I'm not complaining About the economy But our government it needs more money Well I'll do my best And you do what you can Maybe the government will do something But if it don't Or if it do They'll still figure a way of taxing you Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money You know I ain't no dummy Our government it needs more money Well pretty soon They're gonna have An election There's a lot of Good choices For tax collection There's Republicans Democrats And those independent Candidates Well it once Was said The only good candidate is one that's dead Needs more money Needs more money Our government it needs more money I just heard Dracula's running Our government it needs more money Kazoo Maybe we should vote For Abraham Lincoln For our government it needs more thinking 27. I'm Blue Ahoo Ahoo Ahoo I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo You know it's true ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo Don't know what I'm gonna do It's cause of you I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo (then there is alot of different weird crying sounds) You know the other day I went to the Zoo You know all those monkeys running around they reminded me of you Yeah I'm blue I'm really blue Don't know what I'll do It's cause of your I said I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo Don't know what I'll do ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo It's cause of you Don't know what I'll do I'm blue ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo ahoo 28. John Chapter 9 Disciple: Master who sinned This man or his parents That he was born blind ? Jesus: No one sinned This man or his parents But this happened that the work of God may be revealed through him Narrator: At this Jesus took clay and spat on it Anointed the blind man's eye with it Told him to go wash in the pool translated sent The blind man washed and came back seeing Neighbor 1: Is this the man we new that was born blind ? Neighbor 2: No that's not the man that we knew that was born blind Neighbor 3: It looks like the man that we knew that was born blind Blind Man: I am him I was blind And now I see Narrator: They took him to the Pharisees and the Pharisees ask him Pharisees: How are you able to see ? Blind Man: Jesus anointed my eyes with clay I washed in the pool and came back seeing Narrator: Well the Pharisees asked his parents Pharisees: Is this your boy that was born blind ? The Parents: Oh he is our boy and you know that was blind but how he is able to see we do not know Why don't you ask him yourself You know he is of age Narrator: This they said so they wouldn't be kick out of the temple The Pharisees went back to the blind man Pharisees: How are you able to see ? Blind Man: I told you once what-what you want to be his disciples ? Pharisees: You are his disciples We are disciples of Moses We know where Moses came from Where this guy came from we do not know Blind Man: That's interesting You don't even know where he came from Since the beginning of time no ones been able to heal a man born blind If he was not of God he could do nothing Narrator: The Pharasees said to him Pharisees: You have been steep in sin since the very day your were born How dare you lecture us Narrator : They kicked him out of the temple Jesus heard that they had kick him out of the temple Jesus came to him Jesus: Do you believe in the Messiah Blind Man: Who is he Lord that I may believe in him Jesus: I Jesus am the Messiah The one your now talking to For judgement I have come into the world That those who are blind may be able to see And those who see may become blind Let them that have ears hear Narrator: The Pharisees that were traveling with Jesus ask him Pharisees traveling with Jesus: Are you saying that we are blind also Jesus: If you were Blind Narrator: Jesus said Jesus: You'd be inocent But now that you say you can see you guilt remains Do you believe in the Messiah ? Us: Who is he Lord that we may believe in him Jesus: I Jesus am the Messiah The one who is to come 29.That's Right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right Now maybe some of you Have decided to Close your ears Cause the words that you hear You Don't think A guy like me Who you think sticks Can rap so keen Well I'm not trying To be so cool But I be lying If I said that you Knew exactly What your talking about The fact is That I doubt That anyone Who is staring at my skin Would be the one Who'd like my rapping That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white Well I'll keep the faith And not give up Even though prejudice Is not love Now hold back And think about it I don't do crack But I doubt it That you could understand If you have to see The color of my hand before you let me rap You know prejudice It's a laugh Ha ha ha ha That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white That's right I'm white Ha ha ha ha 29. John Chapter 9 30. Be My Friend I like ice cream I like cake And I'd like you to be my friend I'm not very good At philosophy But one thing I know is let's be friends I'm not a politician I'm not running for office But still I say we need friends And if this whole world Would throw down their weapons Turn the other cheek and be friends Well maybe this world Would be a better place There'd be no war or violence, we'd be friends You don't have to be So highly political All you really need is to be friends And if this poem Never sells a million copies Still I say let's be friends Cause you don't need to be A big time celebrity To realize that you need friends I like ice cream I like cake And I'd like you to be my friend.