Day 5

So I woke up this morning excited about todays dare. I don't exactly know why but I'm excited about this journey Im taking with God, I called Kaitlyn today, as we are living separately right now, and left her a voice mail, simply asking her, is there anything that makes her uncomfortable or irritated with me. I asked her to at some point during the day, if she wanted and found the time to , text me those three things. Then I proceeded to tell her I hope she has a good day, I didn't tell her I love her, because I know that is the last thing she wants to hear, at least right now. I left that voicemail at 6:55 this am. And at 8:10, she called me, which I did not expect, at all. She said "I saw you called" and I assumed she hadn't listened to my message yet. So I reiterated it, and she asked in a somewhat irritated tone "why, why do you want to know these things, why does it matter?". I told her It mattered because I wanted to know the three things I need to work on to make her comfortable with me. she said it didn't matter, I wouldn't fix them anyways, and even if I did, I would eventually revert to the old, angry me. I told she was absolutely right, there is no way I could fix them, i put a lot of emphasis on the word I. I told her there is no way i can fix the past or what i have done, but I am seeking out God to change me, not us, i told her if we make it, if she sees the man she wants and deserves and if God works on her heart, it will be a miraculous gift, but I told her i need Him to mold me into the man every women deserves and let my actions be molded into what God defines as true love. She said she wouldn't have time today to do that, i asked her why not, and she said she was going out of town with some friends, my heart plummeted into my stomach, i asked her id she was going with a guy, she said no, she said there would be guys there, but she wasn't going with them. so i told just be safe. After that we told each other goodbye, and she said something that caught me off guard, maybe she didn't even realize she said it, but instead of just plain old bye, she said "i'll talk to you later". I don't know, to me, her calling was a ray of hope, she didn't have to, she could have ignored me but she didn't, and she could have said anything but ill talk to you later. For me, these have been small, but large signs that God is working on her heart, i just have to try and remember that I need to give enough room to do that. I sent her a text after she we hung up, saying, "i know your going to be busy today, but just know if, if you decide at some point to name off those three things, no matter what they are, I'll have no excuse as to why i do them, Im not and cant justify them. You don't see me fixing what ive done, i don't either, i cant do it on my own strength. Im seeking God, getting closer to Him each day. Thank you for calling. Be safe and have fun" she hasn't responded yet, i don't think she will, which Im fine with. But my faith in the Lord is being built up every time He shows me how to be a loving fiancé and shows me a softening of Katies heart. Im seeking Him out at this moment because I feel as if Satan is whispering in my ear, "she is going with a guy to bang" i hate these thoughts and know they're from the Enemy. all i can do for the rest of the day is trust God and seek Him out. Prayers and advice if i should have handled this any different??

When you ask a question and she responds she does not have time, just leave it at that. you completed the dare. I wouldn't push it any farther. She has her choice of if she wants to respond or not.

And this is why it is so important to do a dare a day, and build your testimony consistently, and to remain patient. So in time she can no longer say you are faking this, or can't maintain the change, or your doing it short term just to try to trick her into coming back and then going to your old ways again.

Don't mention anything about her heart being softened or anything like that where she may take it like she is the one that has to change too.

Enjoy that she called. But this is so important.... Seek and find comfort first from Christ. we have a jealous God and it is not good when we put things or people before Him in our lives. And we all have put our wives/gf's above Christ, otherwise we wouldn[t be here.

You have to really know that Christ is your only true source of comfort. more so than even if she called you right now and said I trust you love you and want to fix everything between us.

I had to visualize Christ standing next to my wife, and envision who do I pick as my team mate, like on the school playground choosing teams. When I chose God way above my wife,without loving my wife any less, things began falling in place. I could then actually breath normally, eat, sleep, and be productive at work. And most important, I gained comfort in this messy, hurtful trial.

So enjoy her call back, but seek comfort from Christ, not her. Christ is the only one who won't disappoint.

I wouldn't mention in a text next time about anything with answering the question you already ask. You asked sufficiently, that is enough. And any more asking is just getting in her space, the very thing she needs right now. This also gives God more time to work in her.

without that comfort from God, it will be very difficult to handle her going out.

What I have heard several times in the journal side of this site, is something like this....85% of what we fear is completely unfounded. 10% is us making it much more than it really is. and 5% is nothing we can change. So take comfort in Christ and you will be fine when she is out.

sorry about several messages. and she is asking me to pick up our son at 10. the flesh wants to ask, who are you with, what are you doing, why do you have to be out sometimes 6 nights a week. but we have to find comfort in Christ. Right now we have to give them space, for we can do nothing to fix it anyway.

on to the question out of curiousity. If she feels you get unnecessarily angry, could it be due to you working out with weights? I am not against weight lifting. I have done it several times, never going longer than a year though. but when I was yournger, and began getting stronger and bigger, my confidence and my feeling of being more invincible sky rocketed. And if I was married at the time, I am sure my poor attitude would have affected the relationship. I am not saying this is happening to you at all. probably just me. But if this is happening, and I know how much you have put into bodybuilding, is it worth it though?

Again, this has nothing to tdo with the LD, but a thought that came to mind.

And another point, my wife responded If I can get him.....great!! in over 3 years, this is about the most positive text or communication I have gotten from her. But I have comfort from Christ, not the this text.

prayers for you always. I didn't proof read, so forgive my mistakes.

if you ddint see, several messages in a row, possibly after I hit reply, we will be on page two and messages will start on page one.

No, the weights are actually one of three comforts I find, God and her being the other two. Three months a go, my little brother (16) drowned in a river, he wasn't supposed to go to the party at the river, but I let him go because I wanted to be the "cool" brother, so I am carrying this guilt on my shoulders and it seems as if everything sets me off.

And I called her today, to complete Dare 8, and she did not respond nor has she responded to yesterdays dare. Part of me worries, will she ever reach out to me, and the other part, are her and the baby okay? I have fallen in love with the song While Im Waiting by John Waller. its something that's brought comfort to my mind.

Great song. Keep looking towards God for comfort above all, and your worries with her become small. Seek from each dare what you should learn to grow in Christ. Keep in mind this really isn't a journey between you and her, but you and Christ.

Glad you are finding comfort in the weights too.

Do not concern yourself that she isn't reaching out. Some people don[t hear from their spouse for days and days at a time and yet they find comfort and even joy in Christ and yes, some of them have their marriages reconciled.

When she isn't responding, and that is a very normal reaction, we all have gone through it, think of this as she is getting the space she needs. And this time away from you is also time for God to nudge her in the right direction. But keep in mind God gave her free will. So now, to pray for her, just pray for God's will to be done in her life. Any more of a prayer for her at this point typically turns to a selfish prayer, for her to change for your sake.

I am sorry to hear about your brother. Not sure what to say. But you know you had no idea what would happen. I about crushed my 3 year old brother with a riding mower that about tipped over when my dad specifically said do not take him for a ride.

another brother I nearly blinded with a bb gun, and I have come so close to causing some major accidents. I pretty much drive for a living. I could have so many times been in your position. Know Christ does not want you hurting form this. If you feel you have done wrong, confess to Christ what took place, ask for forgiveness, and know you are forgiven. If you dwell in any type of guilt after this, know that is you not accepting Christ's forgiveness. If Christ forgives you He forgives you. He will drop this incident into the ocean like it is a little drop of water. And who can find a drop of water in an ocean? No one, and that is how God views anything we ask for forgiveness for. His mercy is deeper than an ocean and He keeps no records.

Do not take this as I am saying you even did anything wrong. We could all be there. A nighber boy just shot out his sister's eye, a friends son a few years ago backed up over and killed his dad. Things happen all the time. Would you want any of these people to live with any guilt. No you wouldn't and God does not want you to either.

Stay patient, and do the dares and know Christ is working. Who else besides Christ would you want on your side? Praise Him for being with you.

To add to the above message, think of all the people in the bible who purposely did horrific things: Paul, who tortured and murdered christians yet became a very holy man, David if i remember right who had an adultrous affair and tried to get her husband killed, yet God used these people and others to do great things for His kingdom. You did not intentionally do anything to bring any harm whatsoever to your brother, these people in the bible did, so think of how much you also can do to glorify God in your life. Walk with Christ and His comfort in all areas of your life will be with you. You can receive the peace of Christ above all understanding. I left two messages in a row, one last night and this one this morning.