Monthly Archives: December 2013

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a road trip with a potty training toddler. This is going to be the hip hap happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny fuckin’ Kaye! 720 miles … Continue reading →

*I don’t know why this paragraph is black. I am powerless to make it white On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a trip to Rockmill Brewery. Alas, a Christmas days event which isn’t … Continue reading →

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a threat to go to the American Girl Place store. I’d rather jump out a fucking window. To the uninitiated, this is the intersection of all the reasons … Continue reading →

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a lone long pube staring back at me from the wall of the gym shower. Nobody knows its origin or what it wants. But there it is looking … Continue reading →

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, WHAM!’s “Last Christmas”. I say with utmost sincerity and vehemence, if you don’t like–no not like, but love–WHAM! “Last Christmas”, you can take your pinko commie gold-brickin’ fuckin’ … Continue reading →

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a Disney movie full of princesses. I was an innocent lamb led to slaughter. “You need help with that sofa mister?” “Yeah, thanks. Do you wear about a … Continue reading →

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A simultaneously puking yet wild-as-shit toddler. A dual-threat if ever there was one. Puking in the place you encouraged them not to puke one minute, asking you to … Continue reading →

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a two-day hangover at age 35. Rock and fuckin’ roll! Why start Monday refreshed and happy when you can begin the week dehydrated, tired, depressed and negative? From … Continue reading →