~ "bare glimpses of what I see…

EMOTIONS AT DISGUISE

Lot of instances have we faced in life. Some bad while others good. There are some which we hold close to our hearts, like the words of a loved one, or maybe even an unfortunate incident which we never wished to happen at all. All these cluster and lie in our minds maybe to be rejoiced later or to fade away in the sands of time. Sometimes we have a lot, which we wish to wipe out from our minds because they slap back memories which haunt us of the bad times. Each of us has such memories, kept in the corner of our hearts hoping that we won’t recollect them. But it so happens that when bad times keep filling our rotating clocks; everything kept untouched, pours out like the waters off a waterfall. So here we are, wherein we are not in complete control of our emotions.

Of course sorrow becomes a part and parcel of our life. But maybe we are not bothered to think of, what’s going wrong. Many a times even I have felt, a bit out of place. Mind keeps going all restless. Nothing seems to brighten those days. The skies, surroundings and everything, keeps grinning a wicked smile at me. So like most of us, I reserve it to myself, believing it to slowly die away. But it builds up… Where do I refuge to ?? I just have no idea…
With a fake smile put across the face, to show the “Be Always Happy” attitude, I kept moving. Nothing and nobody gave me the perfect reason to smile. Several times I wanted to burst out to someone, but again reconsidered, thinking it to be childish. Moreover it’s been put down to a rule that, MEN ARE HARD HEARTED.

To be a part of this male dominated world feels nice, but somebody has to understand that even we have our own emotions… When filled with trouble & sorrow, I have seen lots of guys, who even refuse to admit what they feel. They stick on their troubles, slave to the imbibed ego in them. They refuse to bring out their sorrow, for the fear of being mocked by everyone. Now, where does this fit into… Nowhere…….

And then when nobody is watching, a tear rolls down his cheeks.

So coming back to what I was saying, I traversed along a path unfamiliar. But soon realized that I was on the wrong one & had to divert soon. Maybe no one around me noticed the color fade in me. Much pleased to that, I kept my daily routines, & achieved to not stay gloomy, as I believed – “If I stay depressed, where’s the difference in me from others.” Of course I had friends, to pour out my insides; but when I thought over again, I decided against it. I had a stupid notion that – Nobody could understand anybody completely.

And so I floated on the dark waters, staring at the gloomy horizon. To be frank, I did yearn for a consoling hand to calm up things; I sincerely needed someone, but was not ready to open out to anyone. Slowly I got used to the vanishing colors within me. It seemed surprising, but happiness seemed to disappear into thin air. I craved for the lost joy…

What kept me off-track, I did know. I knew what was wrong, and I wanted to change. Perhaps like a single piece in a puzzle which fails to fit into its chosen space, I felt out of place. I felt all deserted, and chose to cherish the good old times. Everything had happened contrary to what I thought, what I needed & what I believed. Out of the blue, unexpected changes took place which made me redefine certain thoughts. I always believed in the truth of those thoughts; but now felt lost, when I had to redefine them. I had to accustom to what has happened. I could not change back anything & I wanted to leap back to my older self. I stared at the night skies eager to grasp the glimmer of the full moon. My insides burned with the flames of grief, as I struggled to put it off, with the winds of joy. Nights grew darker and I kept everything confined to my boundaries, as silent tears would wet my eyelash. But these tears relieved me and gave the comfort of a dear pal.
Gradually I got used to this discomfort. Wanting to get rid of the sinister clutches, slowly I awoke from this state. I brought back the lost joy & color. Everything had to change. Everything changed, but at a snails pace. I did not want to recreate a scenario of the obvious. I badly wanted to alter.
Let the horizons be dim, let the winds blow wild, but I kept my persona bright & did not want to think of what was building in me… Keeping the emotions restrained to myself, I concealed it with glee & delight. After all – “Nothing’s constant in life except Change”.

So now I was happy to be different, and across the night skies stood a bright star which seemed to be shining just for me. At times I felt it lose its vigor, but i still stared at it, with all my heart. Through the darkness of the nights, I gazed at it; though dim, to embrace its warmth n love… …
Now with all my insides confined to my meadows,
at this point I live on… … … with my “Emotions at disguise”…

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35 thoughts on “EMOTIONS AT DISGUISE”

“Wanting to get rid of the sinister clutches, slowly I awoke from this state. I brought back the lost joy & color. Everything had to change. Everything changed, but at a snails pace. I did not want to recreate a scenario of the obvious. I badly wanted to alter.”

This is deeply emotive. ….written superbly. True that men hide feelings more than women…but we are humans and humans are emotional beings. By hiding our inner anguish, we cannot hide our core identity. Emotional baggage is part of our journey. I personally feel that when its weight becomes unbearable, we have to ventilate it through something…perhaps, writing it out helps.
Stay Peaceful!
Reva.

So well expressesd…And as you have already read in one of my posts…the question in my mind continues ‘ why do you men so seldom express..?’…cry when you want to…crib when it is need 😉 ‘Now with all my insides confined to my meadows,at this point I live on… … … with my “Emotions at disguise”…’….try not to keep your emotions in disguise anymore 😛

Hi Samjoth…expressing your thoughts and emotions through words is a talent and a pleasure you seem to display. Back to your question on my thoughts about your posts… I think you touched many people with heartwarming words and authenticity; I suggest you to continue writing.
Keep strong.

I am overwhelmed that you find the posts interesting.. And I am pleased that it has touched you..
Maybe it was a little of emotions that kept the posts interesting 🙂 .. Any ways I am happy for the outcome..
I am hoping to write more in the near future, as time allows..
Thank you for your kind words.. 🙂
And the inspiration too..
Keep smiling..!!!

I hate it that men are told to be “strong” and not “cy-babies” because all the crying business belongs to women! That is so not correct. Everybody need an outlet for their feelings, be it joy or sadness! Gender stereotyping is ruining emotional health of both men and women!

Apart from that, beautifully written. Could connect to each word you said. I too feel like that sometimes. Its a very hopeless kind of feeling!

Yes, I feel as though gender stereotyping is disintegrating the fabric of the society these days..!!
Thank you for the comments & I am happy that you could, connect to what I have written.. 🙂
I think, that this is a common sentiment, but I had just put forth the male sentiments..!!
Nice meeting you , n do visit once in a while 😀 ..

You have expressed yourself so well and communicated the trauma of emotions unexpressed. I never thought about men’s feelings so deeply before this.
I feel self expression is one of the reasons we are born. I do not express myself verbally so well, hence I write. I think you too find a release in writing.

Thank you so much for your in depth understanding of my writing..
And yes, I believe that every “True” art form is born from emotions, experiences and perspectives of life.. All this when inside us, coagulate and thus we vent out our expressions 🙂 Self expressions is a science that artists have..
Thank you for your kind words 🙂

Thats Life and its simply defined in a very proper and justified way…Somewhere you had spoken many hearts and I am glad that I went through – reading it ! Thankyou soo much for this article…Ofcourse a change can become visible with these “Emotions in disguise” !

Thank you so very much for your kindness Pragati 🙂
I am happy that you could relate to it, and I agree – it is a common sentiment these days. We learn to overcome and move on, as you said change is inevitable and the emotions diminish with time, and sometimes even with convenience !!
Glad to be in touch with you Pragati, and I really liked your way of writing 🙂
Be in touch, keep writing and see you around !!