Monthly Archives: August 2012

Walk a Mile in Their Shoes

We really don’t know how someone else is feeling inside at any given moment, I think a lot of us have become really good at masking any feelings that are of a hurtful and negative nature, or at least we try to, some of us are more transparent than others.

I believe the energy spent to pretend nothing is wrong can be quite taxing on the spirit within and the outward affect can be to project that negativity onto others, most of the time it is not intentional.

When faced with an extreme situation it is natural to react from an emotional point of view and even if the situation doesn’t seem extreme to someone else, it may at the time feel extreme to the individual experiencing it and it’s not fair to make the judgement that it’s insignificant when you don’t live in their life every day.

My observations of these kinds of actions of judgement are that it is very much associated with the individual that is trying to cope with hurt or disappointment by pretending that nothing is wrong. The burden of having to cope with that can be overwhelming and at some point they have to release some of the bottled up emotions to alleviate the intensity of this struggle, unfortunately acting out negatively is really unhealthy and does much more harm than good.

That someone judges you unfairly not knowing a thing about what you’re going through

You then experience more hurt from the judgement and the cycle starts again

This cycle is really harmful because it keeps you in a perpetual state of unhappiness and negativity. The longer you stay in this cycle the more likely it is to manifest physically in your health, the only way out is to find a healthy and productive way to release it. We are all unique and what works for one doesn’t always work for everyone, you just have to find the process that works best for you.

I’ve found that my best therapy for a healthier and more productive way to handle these feelings and emotions when they seem overwhelming and unbearable is to write my feelings out on paper. The action of physically writing it and really connecting to my thoughts helps to take my mind out of the heightened level of disappointment and sadness that I may be feeling in that moment. Even though the distraction is only temporary it gives me the time I need to address it, deal with it and release it. It doesn’t fully release it from my thought process but it helps to minimize it enough to allow me to de-clutter my mind so I can then deal with it on a calmer level and eventually fully release it.

I’ve heard it said many times that when someone is projecting negativity onto you it usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and how they are feeling inside but knowing that doesn’t make negative actions or words directed at you any easier. It just becomes something you need to find a way to deal with and let go of. Always consider the source and how instrumental they actually are in your life and that should help to minimize the overall effect.

I recently watched an “Oprah” show (re-run) and the discussion was about a man in Brazil (John of God). Closing comments on this show was the perceptions of a Dr. Jeff Rediger of his experience there.

Perhaps the real heart within us is not just a pump

Perhaps the real heart within us is about Love and Faith

Perhaps the physical body is not who we really are

Perhaps we are these invisible souls walking around and the body is just an instrument or metaphor or something we are trying to learn

For me his comments shine a light on the greater purpose of our existence and reinforce my thoughts that all acts of negativity and ego-related behaviours are so irrelevant in comparison.

It’s not always Healing, Sometimes it’s Adapting to Move Forward

The deep and lasting effects of emotional hurt and/or trauma can feel like they may not heal and sometimes it’s not always healing that occurs, it’s adapting and making changes to move forward and away from the emotional scars that may be holding you back. The option between healing or adapting to move forward isn’t always a choice because emotional scarring is tied to the emotional part of our being and our emotions are not always something that can be controlled. Feelings can be suppressed but only for a period of time, at some point they are going to come back to the surface and have to be dealt with and for every time you push them back down, they tend to come back stronger and stronger with each time they re-surface until it becomes too overwhelming to have enough strength to suppress them again.

The choice in the timing of when we have to deal with an issue that has re-surfaced isn’t always an option but the decision on where you choose to go from there is. We all have more personal strength within us than we usually give ourselves credit for and choosing to face the challenges to live a healthier and happier life is a decision I don’t think anyone would ever regret.

It takes twice the amount of your personal energy to maintain suppressing an emotional issue and I think that’s why we always hear the expression “it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders” when someone has finally dealt with an issue they had been suppressing. The weight being the energy you are utilizing to maintain that suppression. When you deal with it to move forward, you are no longer carrying the weight of that burden of energy required to avoid dealing with the emotional pain.

A few years back I had read a book that had a couple of chapters about a child’s “formative years”, I had always thought that the formative years ran somewhere between 7 – 12 years of age and was surprised to read that it was much earlier, as in age birth to 5 years of age. I was aware that from the time we are born that babies to toddlers know what is going on around them and can sense disharmony but I had thought that the formative years were later in life because I myself had more solid memories of events from that timeframe of age. In thinking back while I was reading this book I realized that the emotional memories of closeness and familial bonds had to be earlier than I could actually recall because I was too young then to understand, recognize or desire anything else but I inherently knew that they stemmed more from a feeling or sense of awareness.

It’s this time period of our life that ultimately forms the foundation of who we are to become and what energetic state of being that we become pre-disposed to, whether that energetic state is positive or negative. Parenting and family are the most significant part of our foundation and can either inspire or damage the spirit within. Nurturing is such an important and relevant component of our development and needs when we are young, any indifference, negativity or neglect can permanently alter the shape in which we grow. I don’t believe that means that positive development can never occur, I believe it changes the spirit within in ways that can never be restored to its previous form, like a violent image that can’t be unseen, a negative experience can’t be undone. We can move forward but the emotional feelings generated from the experience remain.

It’s this foundation that creates the development of the character traits and I believe that there are variations of these character traits that are developed or not developed based on whether the formative year’s environment was positive or negative. I also believe that there are degrees of emotional damage experienced during these formative years that may not be healed but can be accepted and adapted to in order to move forward and develop a more positive, productive and peaceful state of being. There have been many movies produced that are based on true stories of individuals that have overcome difficult environments in their formative years and have transcended their circumstances to achieve just that.

There is no quick fix to alleviate emotional hurt, all wounds (physical or emotional) take time to heal but anything worth having is worth working for and our well-being is the most important state we need to maintain and nurture.

The most important aspect I want to express is that regardless of where the emotional hurt/trauma stems from if it’s affecting you negatively then it’s hurting you the most and the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a way to release it so that it no longer has any control or effect on your overall well-being.

We all have our own ideas when it comes to our expectations in all areas of our lives. I know I’ve made decisions (good and bad) based on my own expectations of others and emotional feelings but the bigger questions to ask myself are:

Do I hold myself to that same level of expectation?

If I fail to meet that expection do I hold myself accountable or do I justify it?

Am I open and willing to honestly find resolution or peace?

I think that only those closely involved in my life could answer the first question for me, I believe I do, but then again I’m not on the other side of that expectation.

I do tend to disect situations and events down to the very last detail, that is just who I am. When it comes to evaluating things I don’t like to leave any question unanswered, or any theory unexplored, which can at times lead to frustration for those participating in the conversation of evaluation.

I have gone down the road of justifying a bad decision, one of the most significant reasons being that I had been too stubborn to find a middle ground and the other because the emotional hurt felt like it was at such a high level that finding middle ground seemed near impossible. I don’t think anyone is mistake free, I know I’m not, but self-reflection in this area is a great opportunity to learn the capacity of your own character and integrity. To find out what you are really made of and whether or not you have the courage to look in the mirror and take ownership for how you’ve done so far.

In failing to meet that same expectation and going down the road of justifying it, the opportunity to turn it around and make it positive lies within acknowledging your own part and sincerely trying to find resolution or peace. How each individual finds their resolution or peace will be a process that is unique only to them but I think the main thing, is to be true to who you are deep down and know that any action conflicting with that is ultimately harmful to you the most. I believe that if you go against the grain of your own spirit it will be such an inner conflict that problems will arise, whether that manifests itself physically, emotionally or both.

I can’t say that all physical issues “I don’t have the credentials”, but I believe that most arise because somewhere within we are causing ourselves an emotional distress that creates the physical manifestation in our health. This does not mean that once you dissolve the emotional distress that the physical issue will go away, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. I think that depends on how far along the physical issue has progressed. Once an emotional issue manifests to physical in your body it may take a lot longer to make it go away. The time it has taken to manifest physically and how long it has carried out for will determine how far the roots of it extend and it may take A LOT of hard work to try to overcome it.

In my case the physical health issue I had experienced, which was created from an emotional issue, manifested in the form of stress, and stress can cause a variety of mock symptoms for various health issues, and luckily mine disappeared when I resolved the stress.

Regardless of how emotional or physical issues manifest within us self-reflection is always a positive step in the right direction, which may turn out to be the first step in changing your well-being for the better. When you are willing to look in the mirror and measure your progress by the same level of expectation that you have of others you are choosing to build yourself positively.

Sometimes our own expectations of resolution cannot be found, sometimes the olive branch extended is not accepted, sometimes bridges burned cannot be repaired or reconstructed, sometimes the resolution is accepting the lesson, learning from it for the future and moving forward.

I do believe that there isn’t an issue out there that can’t be resolved, however it does take a significant amount of honesty, sincerity and willingness to find resolution. Things may not ever be the same but they could end up being better, anything is possible!

Sometimes the signs aren’t always what we expect, or even how we expect them to materialize in front of us. Sometimes the strangest occurrence is what makes the most sense later and I’ve always found that to be so odd when it happens to me.

Some of the biggest challenges I’ve had seemed so senseless at the beginning but have turned out to be the most valuable lessons and not one of them materialized in the form even close to what I had envisioned. I believe the signs we receive are much like the old tale that everyone repeats about finding love. It comes when you least expect it and it’s not at all what you had in your mind.

I think that sometimes the signs are repeated through various forms until we recognize them for what they are supposed to signify to us. I’ve recognized that when it finally clicks for me in that moment and the sign (whichever way it came in this time) finally made it through to that part of me that says “aha!”. I then realize and remember the previous times it came through and I didn’t catch it because it was either too subtle for me or I wasn’t open to receiving it in that way.

I think the biggest sign is the “pay attention now” sign that the universe supplies to us when we don’t listen or just can’t seem to get it. It’s like a slap upside the head (metaphorically) that is meant to jerk you back to reality. Depending where you are at in that moment could determine the severity of this sign but I believe it comes at a time when you are about to make a very bad decision that could be either severely disastrous or fatal. Hopefully at that point you realize what has been staring you in the face all along because if you don’t this will continue to happen and that slap gets stronger and stronger until you become aware. It’s better to notice much sooner than later, I’ve had a lesson repeat and it’s not fun, second time around was much more difficult than if I’d learned it right the first time. Given the extent of the downtime for experiencing the lesson a second time around, I’m so glad I didn’t head for the third.

If you are running into a same issue or difficulty on a repeated basis within your life then you may be in this cycle. Experiencing the same thing over was a big eye opener for me that ignoring something doesn’t make it go away quietly, it just hides it for a while, only to resurface until you find resolution and/or closure. The outcome of that resolution or closure is something that will be a personal and reflective process specific to each of us and I believe we all go through it at one time or another in our life.

I do believe that “everything happens for a reason” and if I was meant to go through a specific lesson more than once then I believe it’s because it was necessary to my personal growth and development and would aid me later in life, that is my faith and what helps me to look at these lessons in a more positive and productive light.

I don’t have an “aha” moment every day but I’ve had more than one in my life so far and they are such monumental moments that I view them as blessings. Blessings I hope for, look forward to, welcome openly and appreciate.