12 years old and rude

Gre - posted on 05/16/2016
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My son is 12 years old. Since he started secondary school and going to school by his own, he changed his attitude towards me, his father and his younger sister to a point of rudeness I can't cope with. He wants and demands everything possible for himself as it was his absolute right to have or do. Few weeks ago on a half term from school and on a very rainy day, he organised by himself a sort of a play time (all outdoor games: trampolining, table tennis, football, etc) at ours with 8 children telling my husband and myself there were only 2 kids for playing and as my husband and I work from home couldn't have such a number in a rainy day all stuck in the house just playing computer games! We were not happy about it but we let it go.., until they decided to go out anyway with the rain around the neibourhood for a walk. After a while, they have been caught by another parent who was coming home at pick time, ringing randomly at the bells of neighbours and then running away. Now, we live in a area were the average of the population is old age and generally this is a quiet area where nobody disturb or disrupt anybody else except with kindness...so my son was punished: no games, no friends and so on. Few days ago, a friend had his birthday and was inviting him to go jumping somewhere, but didn't get the invitation nor I knew his parents names or phone numbers, so I insisted he should have all that to be able to go to a party. All this arrived too late, exactly on the same day of the party, when we as familybooked somewhere else for the day. My son was outrageously angry towards me I couldn't believe! Then I so an even more outrageous chat he had with his friends calling me f****** mother etc etc. When he asked me for his phone, the answer was "Sorry, it broke and now is probably floating somewhere in the river Thames". Which it is not true, but he won't have a phone just to chat and pretend he is cool at the eyes of his friends for calling me like that. In this I blame my husband too as he mainly washes his hands when decisions are to be taken, in fact he send a text to my son saying about the party : YOUR MOTHER needs the invitation or else you won't go. Hence I am the buddy at the eyes of my son and hence he gives the child the opportunity to take a sort of revenge swearing at me, while himself the father is not responsible. For that reason now not only I am angry to my son but also to my husband whom seams to like this game of being the goody and keep the kid happy and spoilt. I might divorce him and so avoid more than one conflict at the time as he never help except for his own conveniences.l

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Sarah - posted on 05/16/2016

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Yikes, what a fun time you have had. I have four kids 19,17,14, and 11 (12 tomorrow!) and all of my teens have gone thru this phase of entitlement and "your not the boss of me" attitude. It really just comes down to you busting him back down to his place and that his whole life depends on him being in your good grace. My eldest acted much like your child; making plans, and just thinking since he was a teen and all that that he no longer needed to answer to me or his father. Now, 12 is young for this to start, but you can certainly fix it. First, you and hubby have got to be on the same page. Even if you hubby is a coward, if he back you with his silence, that will have to do. What happened in this house when my newly 15 you told me "you are not the boss of me, I don't have to listen to you, etc". He went to school one day and we set to work. We took every item from his bedroom and left him with a pillow, a blanket, a flashlight, one change of school uniform and one change of underwear and socks. We took the furniture, clothing, lamp, computer and even the door away. He was so shocked, and humbled. He wanted to know why? I told him, if he was ready to run his own life he could do it without my help. He was pissed off for about a day, then he got humble. He apologized and we made an agreement that for each day of appropriate attitude and behavior he could earn back one thing at a time. It took a few weeks. My younger kids were witness to this action. I look back and while it was a huge pain in the rear to go thru with this, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. All of my kids realized that the things in their lives are luxuries, not rights. Totally worth it.

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Tricia - posted on 05/17/2016

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Good for you for wanting to focus on respect with your DS. We are also at the "entitlement" stage and we have really worked on teaching them the difference between blessings and what are necessities. Although it is hard it really has nipped the entitlement in the bud! Using every opportunity as a teaching moment really helps, not just when they make big mistakes. I hope it gets easier. The hard work will pay off!