The Most Important Sports Story Of Our Lifetime: Teddy Won The Presidents Race

Teddy finally won the GEICO Racing Presidents race at Nationals Park. Previous to this, he was 0-525. I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t felt this way since Barack Obama won the Presidency.

I’m a diehard Cleveland Indians fan, but after their 0-81 second half and descent into jamming their fingers up each others’ asses madness, I’ve been forced to fall back on my favorite National League team, the Washington Nationals. I lived in Bethesda, Maryland, for a year and have spent many an afternoon sitting in an empty ballpark, watching Mets fans (or whoever) cheer as Nyjer Morgan throws hissy-fits and gives up inside-the-park homeruns. I’ve clapped along to THUNDERSTRUCK~ with 35 other sad people.

Despite their amazing season, my hopes for a deep playoffs run for the Nats have been light. The issues with Strasburg, the post-season inexperience of players like Bryce Harper … I just didn’t know if the Nationals could pull it off. Then, Teddy Roosevelt won the Presidents Race with the help of a phony Phillie Phanatic who lost his snout somewhere in the middle. Now … I don’t know. I feel like they could accomplish anything.

Video of Teddy’s glorious moment (and a training montage that helped build to it) is after the jump.

Your browser does not support iframes.

Your browser does not support iframes.

And for no reason other than to validate my Nats fandom, here’s a picture of me with Teddy.

Let’s hope those rumors of Teddy being retired and replaced with John F. Kennedy aren’t true.

I cried tears of joy when I watched this. After years of false hope and other presidents cheating, looking at you Abe, Teddy finally did it. I feel like the years of Elijah Dukes, DaMeatHooks, Lastings Millage, Nyjer Morgan and just being the worst in all around baseball are a thing of the past, because if Teddy can win anything is possible.

As a Natinals fan, I’m completely embarrassed at all the local and national attention this is getting. The local attention is bad enough but the national attention just accentuates the fact that we’re a complete joke. A mascot winning a pre-determined race got more attention on the day we locked up home field advantage throughout the playoffs. We’re a joke. No wonder no one respects us as a fan base. I’m sure that if Yankees/Red Sox/Cardinals/Cubs fans were even aware of our existence, they’d be sneering derisively at our completely upside down and shticky priorities.

How dare you imply that the race result was pre-determined?!?! Do you think Brandon would waste his time covering an event that was merely being choreographed with the fans being none the wiser? How DARE you?!?!

As a Phillies fan, congrats to the Nats. But the offensive use of a poor replica of the greatest mascot in sports history is frankly an affront. Real Phanatic or GTFO (and I bet they could have gotten him for the stunt – he does 30 Rock you know).

I can’t root for an underdog team? I just said I’m a Nationals fan. I root for the Wizards (they’re a joke) and the Redskins (they’re more of a punchline than a joke). Clearly, winning isn’t the ultimate test as to whether or not I’m going to root for a team. I’m not trying to troll and I’m not interested in flame wars or anything. My point is that although this post was sarcastic, Teddy winning (see: Sportscenter’s Top 10 on the day that Miggy got the triple crown) got more attention than a team that lost 100+ in consecutive years just three years ago clinching the best record in baseball. I’m not sure how that’s trolling but if it is, I apologize. I just think that actual sports news (Nationals clinching) is more important than feel-good-gimmick sports news.

Regardless, it was last week and I don’t care anymore and I can see why they did it. And hopefully everyone in the stadium can concentrate on actual baseball today and tomorrow (and Friday, if needed), and hopefully Good Edwin shows up today instead of 8-ER-In-1-1/3-Edwin today.

Maybe I didn’t say it clearly enough: GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! If you didn’t care anymore, you wouldn’t had wasted your stupid ass breath explaining yourself a week later on why you had to dump on a fun story everyone enjoyed. It doesn’t have to be relevant to be enjoyable, you dumbass.