(Closed) FMIL arguement, I need help :(

Hey, I’m a usual poster but gelt I had to post under a different username as I can easily be identified by my other username.

I am in real need of advice from the Hive as I know that people will have different perceptions and opinions and that will really help me.

Basically we are now 2.5 months out from our wedding and last night I had an arguement with my Future Mother-In-Law. Well arguement might not be the right word as I just cried! Basically it all started because she was telling me off for forgetting to add one of her friends to the guestlist, now I don’t know this person so how would I have known to add her? Apparently I should have known anyway. Then I get told off as she wants to add people to the reserve list and she was upset that I had already sent these people invities to our evening reception instead – again, I knew nothing of this reserve list.

She was sat there adding up numbers so that ‘her side’ as as many as my side. My Parents both have 4 siblings each which she is an only child and her husband has one brother so you can see why my family has 40 members attending over her 30 (which includes friends etc).

As well as this she said a lot of things that critised my maid of honor, my bridesmaids, my family, my choice of wedding dress, the style of the wedding etc and I felt really upset and attacked.

She has been really involved with the wedding from the start and so I don’t see how she would feel left out but I know that the wedding is not how she would have done it herself, which may be the problem.

My Fiance got back from work and I explained what happened to him but he loves his Mom to death and so thinks she can do no wrong. I tried to explain that I love his Mom too (I really do, I even get on with her better than my own Mom) but his Mom is fiercely opinionated and very scary when she wants things her way. He thinks that I am just making up things about his Mom and accused me of trying to make him choose between hos family and me (like WTF? I would NEVER do that!)

Basically I want opinions on this -am I being really sensitive or am I right to feel like this? Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did you deal with it?

Wow, I’m speechless! How terrible. You are not a bridezilla. I’m sorry. 🙁 It bothers me that he didn’t believe/stand up for you. Do the both of you agree on what you want for your wedding? Or does he agree more with his mother?? Who is paying for the wedding? Had she originally given you a list of who she wanted at the wedding? Do you think that she was just upset about something different, and took it out on you last night?

I’m sorry sweetie! Wedding guest lists aren’t always even, due to families like you just described!

When you calm down a little, talk to your fiance about what was said. Maybe he can help you understand where she was coming from. (Doubt its rational, based on my experiences with my Mother-In-Law.. But it’s worth a shot.)

Depending on your relationship with her, you may want to speak with her directly since your Fiance wasn’t in the room when this happened.

You’re not being bridezilla.. Is your Fiance an only child? She may be stressing about “losing” her son to you and be lashing out for that reason. Even though she probably hasn’t been the #1 woman in his life for a while, your upcoming nuptuals really cement your spot.

I don’t like your Fiance response, that’s just ridic and so is his mom’s attitude. You are not bridezilla. I make my Fiance deal with his mom and report back to me about guest list…it’s easier that way. I give them deadlines. 🙂

I think you need to have another talk with Fiance. Is this really uncharacteristic for his Mom? Try explaining again how she was upset with the guest list, and see what he says about it. He should be involved in that part at least. If you usually get along with her, can you try to forget the other things she said about your wedding? She was COMPLETELY out of line. And your Fiance is out of line for not believing you, but people do some crazy things around weddings. Hopefully she will realize this and apologize.

Thanks for the support Bees. I’ve just spent the day stressing about this. I’ve been questioning myself wondering if I have done something wrong and if I am the person in the wrong.

His Mom has always been very opinionated and has made it clear that this is not the wedding that she would choose. She also said that my FSIL’s both think that weddings like ours are ridiculous and a waste of money. She comes from a very poor but hard working family and I don’t think she approves of my typically ‘middle class’ upbringing.

I have just tried taking to my Fiance about it but he won’t talk about it. If I am honest, I feel that his comment last night about ‘choosing between me and his family’ is what he has done….Never for one second would I want him to choose between me and his family, I think all should be equal but I feel that in behaving like thios that he HAS taken sides. I don’t think that he would stand up for me if the shoe as on the other foot.

I love him so so much and I know that he loves me and that we both want to marry each other, but this arguement has made me doubt myself so very much.

I feel like they think i’m being a Bridezilla, just because i’ve done a lot of the DIY myself (we don’t live too close to them so it’s easier just to do it myself) and just because it’s not being done the way in which they want. My Fiance is very laid back about the wedding and says he doesn’t care what it’s like as long as i’m happy – but he has made some of the major descisions and we have decided on everyhting together so it’s definately his day too!

@stressedbride101: WOW! Not okay that your Fiance won’t talk to you about it! You know your relationship better than any of us do, but is this behavior something you put up with from him? Because my foot would be kicking the door shut on his ass about now! You deserve to be heard about this.

Edit to add: You should be doubting HIM about this. Not yourself. In my book he’s being the bridezilla, throwing a tantrum and acting like a brat.

I’m wondering whether her response (about the type of wedding and your comments about different backgrounds) is coming from a place of huge insecurity. I’m not excusing her at all, but perhaps she is concerned that your family and friends will look down on her or she won’t know how to handle herself and she wants to make sure that things are even in terms of numbers so she has support?

I know that you said your FH doesn’t want to talk about this, but he has to. For better or worse, his mom has said some hurtful things about both of your choices. He needs to address it with her. It is not going to get better; it’s going to get worse.

Here’s what I find upsetting in particular: you are beginning to question yourself. This woman has put you in the position of questioning your decisions, your FH’s relationship with his family, YOUR relationship with his family, and (I’m reading into some of your comments, so correct me if I’m wrong) the value and legitimacy of the way you were brought up.

This happened to me (not nearly as badly…and I don’t think that my in laws actually knew that they were making me feel bad). I felt awful that I was registering for fine china (they are against registries of any sort and none of them really saw the point in having really nice china). There were many comments about things being fancy (not said in a nice way), which hurt because I was going out of my way to try to make people comfortable. My Darling Husband had my back. Things are fine now…but I was really questioning the WORTH of my background against theirs (hard working peeps from a very rural area).

Don’t let her do that to you. Your FH should always have your back….and you should KNOW that. He’s got some work to do.

You need to stand up for yourself, or you will have to put up with this behavior the rest of your life. Fiance really should be, too.

However..standing up for yousrself doesn’t necessarily mean arguing. It takes two people to argue. If I were in your position, I think best approach would be to just nod your head…then do what you want.

Are you planning on having kids? Because if you are, you need to work this out w/ Fiance NOW,,,before she tells you how to do that, too. He should be backing you up, and if he is not, I’m afraid you are in for heartache.

I honestly see your Fiance as a bigger problem than Future Mother-In-Law. YOU are the bride, you must stand your ground. Ultimately, you are going to marry your husband and share your life with him, not you Future Mother-In-Law. Therefore, I think it is very important that you and Fiance are on the same page. You are supposed to be his best friend and he is to rely on you and believe you; how can he think that you are making stuff up? WTF? I strongly suggest that you make things clear to him and reach some type of agreeement. Is it possible that your Future Mother-In-Law knows that her son will not back you up and that’s why she’s so opinionated and feels entitled to treat you this way?

I really understnad what it’s like to have an opinionated Mother-In-Law. It never helps talking to your Fiance because they just don’t see the annoying side to their mothers. My advice would be to keep doing things how you want them done, be friendly to her but try not to let her get to you. I find it really helps to talk to girlfriends. Politely tell her if she says something nasty about your BMs, etc that you feel hurt she said that because they mean a lot to you.