Five Reasons Allen West is Definitely Running for President in 2016

Let's be honest: the political scene in this state is hurting. A real snoresville. Gone are the Tea Party glory days for 2010. Back then, any given morning might start with an outrageous comment or crime against human decency thanks to a Florida elected official. A lot of that stemmed out of then-Congressman Allen West.

But since his defeat in the last election cycle, it's been too quiet around here. Sure, beefing tough-guy style with college students is fun and all, but a true fringe figure needs a bigger platform. Which is why West will most definitely roll his GOP credentials into a stab at the White House in 2016. Here are five reasons why, cross-referenced with citations from the well-revered text on the subject, Procedures for Presidential Wannabes.

5. Money. Thanks to his controversial stances, West is a proven fundraising machine. For his failed 2012 bid to keep his seat, he raised nearly $20 million. He rolled that campaign money machinery over into his current Deep Strike PAC.

Rule No. 1 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "Thou Needs Many Fat Stacks of Cash."

Rule No. 345 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "Only One Serious Loon Per Primary Season."

3. Abraham Lincoln.Here's the former Congressman in an interview with NPR after his defeat last year. Hint hint.

MARTIN: So what's next for you?

WEST: Look, you know, God closes a door so that he can open up greater doors. I will continue to, you know, stand up and fight for this country. That's my goal. I have two daughters, 19 and 16, and I want to make sure that they grow up in a great America that provides them all the opportunities that it provided to their mother and father.

MARTIN: Congressman Allen West is completing his term in Congress. He was kind enough to join us from a House recording studio on Capitol Hill here in Washington, D.C.

WEST: And always remember, Abraham Lincoln only served one term in Congress, too.

Rule No. 24356 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "All Washington Hacks Who Plan to Run For the Presidency Must Make Obligatory Lincoln Comparison Within the First Year."

You liberal hacks slay me. In case you didn't know it,
Dennis Kucinich is a Democrat.
West will do the right thing for this country...too bad he can't run against
Obama-- approval rating now at 35% and in the toilet.