miscellaneous

are you different? aren’t we all? should we embrace this? most likely we should accept and embrace this. i, however, unfortunately do not. i hate people for the strangest of reasons. i hate people for being gingers. i hate this one kid in my organic class for looking like screech powers. but fatter. i hate this one girl in the same class for the way she tosses her hair. i hate another for the way she coughs. (it’s horrible, really.)

how bad is this really? is this normal? does everyone have odd prejudices? do i hate people because i hate myself? well, really, that’s just not true. i don’t hate myself. i happen to like myself. i may have turned out to be a complete sell-out when it comes to blogging and i may have an annoying laugh, but i think i’m a pretty great person. well, except for the extreme hating problem.

that’s right. i consider myself a bit of a sell-out. (does that have a hyphen? who knows?) anyway, yeah, it’s true. my first “blog” entry will always be my favorite. i always felt that i would never be able to top that, and in my opinion, i haven’t. that was written in the creative bliss that follows one of my episodes. those i don’t have often. good, but sad at the same time. lately all i seem to be able to write about is my “life,” which frankly isn’t all that interesting.

i’ve been busy. the last post i couldn’t even bother to categorize. how sad…

personality tests are kind of silly though, aren’t they? honestly, if anyone is to be so oblivious that they really need to take a test to see what kind of person they are.. well, yeah, there should just be this stock answer for everyone: “you are not introspective. you constantly disregard your environment. you have never considered your actions or decisions in retrospect.”

maybe not. maybe i’m just bored. i’ll admit it. i am extremely bored. it’s 6:30 in the morning and i am supposed to still be studying for a couple of tests, but well, i don’t like math. so, anyway, i took a three question quiz. only three questions? i expected an answer similar to the one above, but what i got was surprisingly accurate.

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT)You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you’re often a little short with people who don’t impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some – but it’s usually because you’re deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate – who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers – like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can’t take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you’re coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

yes. i am a hypocrite. the scum of the earth. i have to admit though, while i’m confessing my stupidest moments, i did take a jung personality test once. it led to nothing short of amazement. not because i experienced some new revelation, but simply because it told me odd things that had nothing to do with the questions asked, and yet they were true. for example, “you like the rain.” there were no weather-related questions on the quiz. nothing close. are we all so similar? is it possible that there are other people just like me?

that is sad. not because i’ve always thought myself unique and special; i know i’m not. but, sad in that i feel sorry for that 4.4% of the population who is that similar to me. actually, this does kind of make it sound a little depressing to be me:

creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can’t control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

i did do a little research into the whole infp personality though and have since found much better descriptions that made me proud. i suppose i like my personality. i made a couple of friends take the jung personality test. their personality descriptions were just as accurate as mine. so, therefore, despite the way i began this post, i do accept this test. not that it really matters. should they really advertise the test: “april’s stamp of approval?” you should take one here. maybe let me know how it goes…

i’m not checking my spelling. i don’t care.

and, really, where the hell have the merrymakers gone? it seems like no one is here to make me happy anymore. and i’m usually so easy to please.. oh wait, it just happened. my boyfriend’s asleep on the couch and he’s talking in his sleep. he just said, “oh no… no jesus.” ha. maybe it was just funny the way he said it. but i’m entertained again. hoorah.

staring at this blank screen has been theraputic at times. now it seems to be a reflection of the lacuna in my mind. i despise this feeling. it’s almost as though my entire body is a void, just a drain on my energy and emotions. i begin tasks with the best intentions and yet inevitably find myself confused and disoriented. i honestly cannot even tell you why i am even attempting to write a damned blog entry right now. regardless. let me bore you with seven things about me:

1. i like to listen to the peewee’s playhouse theme song every morning when i first wake up.

2. i think it would be weird to change your first name. like you’d be a different person.

3. i only eat red candies with one exception: i do eat yellow laffy-taffy.

4. i am a quitter. this makes me sad after the fact, but at the time it always seems like such a grand idea.

5. i use the word ridiculous a lot. most likely too much.

6. i just got a new research job that i’m really excited about. i start on friday and am extremely nervous.

7. i’m going to see medea next month. i’m taking a friend for her birthday. yeah, i’m that nice.

okay. that was worse that i could have ever imagined. even i got bored just typing the bullshit. fuck. yeah, life really sucks right now. i just need to be able to think…

is this how life is supposed to work? it’s so strange how interests change over time. i grew up hating math and science, despite the fact that these were my strong subjects, and while i’m still like angry at numbers and shit, i can see myself pulling away from my once beloved english and finding new joys in the sciences. how is it that almost everything about a person can undergo all of these alterations, and yet leave the same substance that makes up his or her character? am i alone in this?

a few other things to ponder… how is it that all of the ugliest people on campus, myself included, find themselves in the computer science and math building around 11:00? also, am i missing something in life by not having anything to believe in? that one really bothers me. i was raised in a christian household, but never felt compelled to believe in the lies that were fed to me every sunday morning. i can’t think of anything i’ve ever believed in, besides myself and science, and i almost feel as though i am missing out on this wonderful sense of wellbeing and a general feeling of fulfillment. do you have to believe in something to make life worthwhile? i compare myself to friends that have a strong belief system, a belief system in god or buhdda or anything, and they just seem so much more well-rounded and content. it’s like they know a secret and i hate them for that. there i go. i believe in hatred. ha.

dear tbs,
as i sat, eagerly waiting for ten o’clock to arrive so i could move my party to the bar, i enjoyed watching “goodfellas” on your network. enjoyed? perhaps that is not the word i am searching for. i believe the feeling weighing on my heart right now is more of shock and apalled-ness. (is that a word? i believe not and i apologize.) i appreciate the fact that you had the forethought to edit the movie before airing it by changing all the “fucks” to “freakings” and “hells.” however, i am disgusted that you allowed me to see a HALF-A-FUCKING-NIP on tbs. thank you and fuck off.

ahh.. started back to work this week. school starts next week. exciting times. why am i so relaxed? well, it’s rather simple: i’m pretending to be an alcoholic today. allow me to pause while i wait for my boy to make me another drink… dear lord, my “boy” just made me prepare my own drink and clean up the mess i made. how plebian.

does it not seem that everyone is afflicted with a mood disorder or some other “injustice” in this great age of psychiatry? don’t misunderstand me, i greatly appreciate psychiatry and value the treatments that allow me to live out a semi-normal life, but it appears that some doctors earn commission from the number of cases of adhd or bipolar disorder that they churn out. i know people with untreated adhd, treated adhd, and treated non-adhd. and now it seems there is a deluge of people claiming to be bipolar. where is the line drawn between a normal mood swing and mania? do most of these patients even understand mania? it’s almost as though having a mood disorder has become mainstream and everyone is clamboring for their diagnosis.

i do apologize if you actually suffer from bipolar disorder, or any other disorder for that matter. i understand. glad to see stigma fading away somewhat as people embrace their disorders and claim their diagnosis proudly, but for some it’s been belittled to nothing more than an excuse for a late paper or lack or motivation. fucking wake up.

apparently, i make some people sad sometimes. do i care? actually, and rather surprisingly, yes, i do. well, for some people i care. others… not so much. ohh, to be a bitch. it’s so difficult at times. okay, i’m done.

my friend bought me a beautiful, glass lizard sculpture. it’s kind of weird though, he (the lizard, not my friend) has a strange little indention on his stomach, almost like a bowl of some kind. and then the lizard has two holes, one on his side by the “bowl” and one at the end of his tail. i have yet to deduce whether or not this “bowl” and the holes serve any purpose, but i do hear he can change colors. aww… thanks guy.

ha. anyways… (god, i’m so retarded.) hmm, so what happened today? i went to work and learned a valuable lesson: most all librarians are as, well maybe i can’t think of a good metaphor right now, but they’re dumb. dumb, dumb, dumb. and then, well i’m fairly sure it’s a bit apparent by now, but then i got high. and i was going to clean my room. damn it.