Dear Former Friend,
I say “former” because “ex” makes it sound like there’s a romantic element, and while there was a time when I would have liked to have a downstairs party with you, that was a loooong time ago.
We decided to go the “just friends” route.
Then I realized that I didn’t have much interest in being friends, either… I mean, sure, we hung out some times, but most of your texts were spent calling me “missy” and other effeminate names which is, well, it’s a solid joke to start with, but it wears after seven months.
Still, I’m sorry we ended our friendship the way we did.
Cuz, like, now I’m remembering that time you made fun of that homeless man? The one who was diabetic and lost a foot?
Yeah, I’m mainly sorry cuz I shoulda ended this friendship sooner.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear iPhone,
Really? Yes, I sweat.
It just seems hard to believe that in a world of such technological innovations, your downfall is the fact that, yes, I sweat during an 8-mile run. Honestly, that’s my bad.
I mean, I’ll work on it, but I’m not making any promises.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Starbucks Employee,
I know the unkempt beard might suggest otherwise, but I swear I’m not homeless.
… Although I’m sure plenty of homeless folks have tried that line before.
I’m just hanging out here til my boyfriend is done with his doctor’s appointment. I know what you’re thinking, I’m disappointed in me too. I could totally be doing better things with my time than just waiting around… oh, an example? I dunno, I could be watching cartoons? That’s contributing to society, right? Oh, it isn’t?
… who asked you, anyway?!?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

P.S. Pretty sure this is the conversation we would have if I wasn’t too afraid to talk to any of you… I’m that bored.

Dear Work,
Look, I’m not saying that I hate you, I just- we should probably slow things down for a little while, ya know?
I’m just worried we’re getting too serious.
I mean, four nights a week?
It’s just- I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment, ya know?
Plus, well, considering I work in a bar, I’m kinda missing out on my 20s.
I mean, do you even know the last time I was up to watch Saturday morning cartoons?
Getting out at 3 :30 AM, making it home by 4, who has the energy to wake up at 8 AM for Scooby-Doo reruns?
It’s not fair, damnit. These are the prime years of my life and I’m, what, spending them working?!?
… actually, yeah, no, that sounds about right.
My bad.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Roommate,
I know you’re not a huge fan of the gays… but from now on, my boyfriend and I are gonna kiss every time we see you.
That’s what we did the other night and it made you leave every time.
Pretty sure we won that one.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Body,
We’ve been through a lot together; marathons, puberty… some other stuff too…
But after last night?
If I could turn my back on- well, turn my back on my body, I would.
Sadly, we’re stuck together.
But after the pure concentrated evil that came out of my back end this morning?
Don’t think I’m too happy with you. Cuz I’m not.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Guy,
I know we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs since we’ve known each other.
I know neither of us is quick to trust or communicate our feelings.
But I also know that if I could do anything (and I mean anything) all I wanna do is fix you.
You’re not broken, per se, but life hasn’t always been kind to you.
You’re not great with trust because no one has given you a reason to trust.
I’d like to be that reason.
I know these are just words so it might not count for much, but it’s pretty much all I’ve got.
I love you.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Drunk Guy on the Corner,
I don’t know if anybody’s told you this, but you- you’ve clearly soiled yourself.
I mean- I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s just so right fucking there.
Yeah, like, see how your blue jeans are one shade?
Then, there’s that one area on your crotch and down your leg that’s slightly darker?
That’s- that’s clearly urine, dude.
I just thought you should know.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Layla,
I’d like to take the opportunity to apologize for your human.
We aren’t all like that.
See, if there’s one thing that I cannot stand, it is irresponsible pet ownership
Naturally, you’re a puppy so it’s understandable that you’ll have an accident here and there.
I’m not thrilled with it, but I understand it.
Plus, given that your human only takes you out, roughly twice a day?
Yeah, bladder control could be an issue.
You deserve better than that.
Hell, any canine does.
So please, don’t hate us all cuz you got stuck with one of the bad ones.
Sincerely,
Calhoun