You Have Terminal Cancer?​But you don't Look Sick?​​

Last night I was faced with a dilemma, you see I've been placed back in hospital, back to the ward that insists they're there to make you feel comfortable and to try to reduce symptoms and pain. They are not always there to prepare you for the scariest time in a person's life....."death" and I don't give a shit if you say this is not scary, it's simply part of the process of life, we all live knowing eventually we will die, well yeah, we all live knowing at some point we're probably going to need root canal therapy, but I've never seen anyone skip into a dental surgery, alright maybe a masochist, but believe me this shit is hard.

Too sick to cry, to weak to move, constant vomiting of bile, too weak to get myself out of bed-down the stairs- too weak to get in the car, too many tumours to pee and the list goes on. My Pall nurse made me come in, she inserted the urinary catheter, always a pleasant experience, you'll never complain about a Pap smear or a swift kick in the knackers again once you've had the pleasure of a urinary catheter being inserted when you haven't peed in 20 hours, let's just say it definitely doesn't compare to a west coast party.

Yesterday I looked, but more importantly felt that I was on death's door. I've been at so-called "deaths door" so many times that they know it's me by my knock, but I've never actually felt that my body was giving in, I never believed it was "my time". Last night came and it was time for people to say goodbye and with more than generous bear hugs from each of my family members came that so called dilemma, "I'll see you tomorrow", my reply "yep, I'll see you tomorrow", my actual thought, 'Will I really see you tomorrow?'

Something we say everyday without a second thought, because hey, tomorrow is taken for granted, there's always tomorrow....isn't there? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sadly tomorrow is not a promise, it's a gift and that's only if you're lucky enough to receive it.

It's a frigging horrible feeling to say goodbye to someone you love and not know of you'll ever see them again, those related to armed forces, those related to police officers, security guards and so on, I salute you and I only wish for you Fabulous Rockstars you never have to be placed in a situation like this, because it's truly one of the most heartbreaking places you can be put in and nobody deserves that. Make sure your hugs are genuine and so too is your love. Stay Fabulous Rockstars ❤🤘🏼

Stupid fckn cancer, it's an arsehole!
(Ps sorry about the language), it's just not fair, it's not right, it's just shit!!!!!!
Anyway after my spack, I'm sorry, sending you lots of love your a fab rockstar!

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Bee

19/1/2017 03:10:29 am

Stay strong! Keep calm! You are in my thoughts along with your loved ones.

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Kate

19/1/2017 04:24:14 am

Stay fabulous my beautiful rockstar.. U r such an inspiration to so many people out there..their r so many people out their praying for you .. love and prayers from good old Amish country Lancaster PA!! Kick cancers ass never give up!!!

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Zoe

19/1/2017 06:38:25 am

Wish you could know how many peoples hearts you have touched with your words , sending you love and strength xxxxx

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Tracy

19/1/2017 10:42:35 am

Thank You for sharing this journey, it cannot have been easy to be so open and honest but you have certainly given an amazing insight into just how truly awful this disease is.

Your honestly and opens about everything from your personal feelings to the physical trauma your body is going through has been hard to even begin to imagine.

You are clearly a wonderful person and totally loved by your family & friends, you are also incredibly strong.

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Michelle

19/1/2017 06:49:15 pm

I'm not sure whether I believe in God but they say everyone's a believer in the end, if this is case for you then I'm positive that some pretty awesome angels are on their way to collect you and your spirit will soar with them just as it has done here with us. xxxxxxxx

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Genevieve

19/1/2017 08:16:36 pm

You're amazing.... I can't believe in the midst of all the shit you are dealing with, you manage to come out with the most beautiful, articulate, and above all real updates which still contain your highly intelligent, black humour. We all love you and l wish more than anything I could take some of the terror, anger and heartache off you and your family ❤️ I really admire you.

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Heather Nelson

20/1/2017 03:17:38 am

I admire you and your journey. It certainly takes a special person to give us -your followers-a play by play of your battle. Stay strong, you are an inspiration to all. Many positive vibes sent your way. ❤💪🏻

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Anna

20/1/2017 03:21:01 am

This might sound crazy, but if you ever feel like venting or just conversing with a stranger in NYC (currently going through radiation) shoot me an email. I know that being in a hospital and feeling so ill can make the world feel so tiny, but remember that your words reach beyond oceans. That is something truly powerful.

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Sue

20/1/2017 07:44:55 pm

Lisa I've held off commenting on any of your posts as I just didn't know what to say. But I do want you to know that you are in so many people's minds and hearts. This is such an awful thing that's happening to you - I'm sending a very large hug. 💋

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Lizzie

20/1/2017 11:58:06 pm

Dear Lisa,
You have opened my eyes to the very scary world of cancer. Your honesty and humour is so special to read, thank you for sharing your story... You are loved xxx

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Kelly

21/1/2017 02:26:07 am

Sending you love and peace.

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Brandon Jenkins

21/1/2017 03:12:30 am

I have no words. I just want to thank you for sharing from your heart. <3

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Kerry

21/1/2017 05:30:17 am

Thank you for your honesty, open-ness, humour and for encouraging the love to always be spread. Thinking of you & your loved ones. You will always be a bloody fabulous rockstar.

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Sanna

21/1/2017 08:16:12 am

Hi Lisa.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I feel deeply sorry for your situation. Cancer is a bitch, both my parents have fought against it. Lots of love all the way from Finland. 💙🇫🇮

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Jelena

21/1/2017 12:23:34 pm

Thank you for sharing your story and for being an inspiration to so many, your a beautiful lady and do not deserve this, love to you and your family X

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Gayle

21/1/2017 01:23:49 pm

Thank you, Lisa, for sharing your difficult but inspiring story with us all. You have touched so many hearts. Thinking of you and your family. Sending love and hugs from Canada ❤❤❤

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Juddy

21/1/2017 03:28:48 pm

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for your writing that has inspired so many of us.
My dad is also battling cancer and I feel you & your family.
To My fabulous rockstar with lots of love from Nairobi, Kenya 🇰🇪 East Africa.

Love Juddy. ❤❤❤💖💗

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Kelly

21/1/2017 08:47:43 pm

Thank you Lisa, you are a rockstar, sending love from the Uk xxx

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Jessica

22/1/2017 08:23:21 am

I stumbled upon your photos one day in the search section of Instagram one sleepless night. The photo that caught my attention was the white and green flowers. I clicked on them and read the caption and it read along the lines of you chose them for your own funeral. I was instantly drawn in. I searched through dozens of photos and I was hooked. Hooked on your beauty, grace, humor, strength and most of all your honestly. This was nearly what maybe going on two years ago. I check your page constantly to make sure I didn't miss an update. Your blog is so captivating. I've told most of my family and friends about you. I had the most heartfelt conversation with my boyfriend about how "my Instagram friend" changed my life and views on the world. I can not begin to tell you how absolutely amazing you are. Your parents have to be so proud of the little soldier they created. You have touched my life in a way I will never forget. Thank you for opening your heart and your world for us.

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Mar

22/1/2017 09:47:58 am

Sending much love and positive vibes to you from NYC, strong lady. Please let us know how you're doing.

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Jessica

22/1/2017 03:35:47 pm

I just want to say how very sorry I am you have to go through this shit. I want so badly to give you words of encouragement but I know your pain all too well and it pisses me off that you have to leave us...
I pray for you love, that it's an easy transition, a peaceful one full of all the love and happiness you deserve. I pray you will be whole again.
Good night sweetie sending you many blessings

Happy Birthday to my fabulous rockstar. ❤💞🍰
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
We love you so much.
God bless you in abundance.

Love Juddy 🇰🇪❤

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Katie

23/1/2017 11:41:47 am

Happy Birthday! I hope you are comfortable today and surrounded by your loved ones. Sending love from Wisconsin.

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Kate

23/1/2017 09:52:42 pm

Lisa, words are quite hard to come by. I have seen your pain as I watched my mum die from cancer. I have felt your unbearable want for life after I suffered a catastrophic stroke at 34yrs that left me locked in unable to speak or move. I relive those moments and know how blessed and lucky I was to receive medical treatment that gave me a second chance at life. No words will help at this time but do know that you have left an impact on so many people. Sending so much love xx

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13/5/2017 09:17:45 am

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8/6/2017 06:11:32 am

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30/6/2017 10:21:42 pm

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Author

My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.

What do I want you to gain from reading my blog? Well I'm not going to say enlightenment and I 'm not going to get you to radically change your diet and start chanting at a full moon, to be quite honest this blog is more about me writing it, than you reading it and if someone happens to google cancer and inadvertently clicks on my link, well that's just a pleasant bonus.

I plan on talking and posting about the good, the bad and the ugly side of all things cancer, fashion, food, family, what you blogosphere type would probably call a "lifestyle" blog.