"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye
-WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Give Me Wine and Chocolate!(some cheese with the wine would be good too)Today is my fifth day of detoxing and it fucking sucks! I know after my body is cleansed of all the crap my Hemmingway lifestyle put into it, I will feel great. Almost three years ago, I completed this diet, and I did feel fantastic. I had tons of energy, felt revitalized, quit smoking, and lived a healthy lifestyle for a while. Today I feel like I am coming off heroine or something. I feel achy and tired, with my intestines batteling some fucking alien. This isn’t helped by the fact that I’m on my period and a Pisces. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY

30 Day MissionDetox dieting can also be called a cleanse. It’s a 30-day diet Im doing with a nutritionist. Here is a quote (I cant site the source now because I currently work for them) about the diet. “The main rationale behind the diet is that these modifications allow your body’s detoxification machinery, which may be overburdened or compromised, to recover and begin to function efficiently again. The dietary changes help the body eliminate or “clear” various toxins that may have accumulated due to environmental exposure, foods, beverages, drugs, alcohol, or cigarette smoking.

Eye of the Tiger BabySo what you do is this...It’s a 30-day diet, which involves food elimination and fasting. You also take this nutritional detox powder to not only give you protein and other things you need, but also has ingredients to help you cleanse. The entire 30 days you give up all dairy, wheat, alcohol coffee and soda, sugar and chocolate. The first week, you body starts to go in shock from withdrawals from before mentioned. That’s what I feel now. The second week, you start eliminate foods from the diet you are eating. Monday, you eliminate all flesh foods, nuts and seeds. Tuesday you eliminate beans, legumes and oils. Weds you eliminate all grains. Friday you live off fruits, vegetables and powder (and lots of water). The next three days is a total fast…meaning you give up all food, and drink lots of powder and water. Then slowly you introduce food back in the following weeks. This diet takes a lot of will power and determination. I have done it before, and I can do it again.

Annual Halloween Gala and The Real Michael MeyersToday is also hard because it’s the weekend and my best friend’s family (who I lived with for years and consider family) is hosting the annual Halloween Party. In attendance will be some ex boyfriends, lots of old friends, and a lot of my co-workers. There will be lots of drinking, which this year, I can not do. Last year, I was together with my ex-boyfriend and he dressed as Slash, and totally humiliated me. He carried around this bottle of Jack Daniel’s, and drank the whole thing. It was kinda the beginning of the end, in my mind, so things were already tense. Then he gets totally shitfaced drunk, does stoopid things like fall and break and spill things. He would follow me around like a drunk puppy, and I kept giving him the slip. I saw him kissing and fondling this drunk married old skanky tweeker lady, and talking “threesomes”. I was completely disgusted. I knew that I could no longer be with this guy, from the entire ordeal of that party.

Beem Me Outa Here ScottySo, here I am going through detox hell, and trying to psyche myself up for this party. I don’t even know what to wear, I’ve already made appearances as the dominatrix, the witch, the car accident dead prom queen. I supposed I could be Vampirella, I really don’t know… I also want to clean my house and color my hair (something red and wild). But then, I really don’t want to move from my fucking house. I want to lay on the couch and wine.

Drama Queen RantsThe computer has even been making me sad lately. I can’t wait for the election to be over with. I’m so hurt and saddened by how viscous this election became, and the mean and hatefull words. Yeah, so I’m in full on drama queen “poor me” mode. Like this I’m supposed to go to a PARTY? Did I mention Halloween is my favorite holiday? Being on this diet means… no Halloween candy. *Vader shakes fist at the sky* Fuck you cruel world.

well I live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the night
cos to me everyday is halloween
I have given up hiding and started to fight
I have started to fight

well any time, any place, anywhere that I go
all the people seem to stop and stare
they say 'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

well I let their teeny minds think
that they're dealing with someone who is over the brink
and I dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday
it's everyday

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
i'm not the one that's so absurd

why hide it?
why fight it?
hurt feelings
best to stop feeling hurt
from denials, reprisals
it's the same it's the same in the whole wide world

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Each breath heavy as led
I grasp my spasm stinging heart
Tingling needles creep down my arm
Causing internal cartwheels
And painful palpitations
Time to die
The end
No breath left
Blinding fear
Accelerating heartbeat
ready to explode
I pop a pll
and the panic
melts away…..
-Vadergrrrl 10/2004

Berkeley BezerkAt 23, during my first semester at Cal Berkeley, I sat in my Gender Relations class about to give an oral presentation. My group and I studied the psychology and double standard of sexuality in the expectations of a boyfriend v. a girlfriend. We argued that boyfriends were expected to have a vast sexual history, while girlfriends(and potential wives) were held to a “saint” status. We complied hundreds of surveys and statistics to prove our argument. Confident in our results, and psycheing myself up for performance, I started feeling dizzy. My heart pounded so hard, it seemed ready to explode. Then came this sharp pain, and a shortness of breath. I wrote a note to my friend

“I think you need to take me to the emergency room. I feel like Im having a heart attack”.

She calmly read my note and sent back this reply. “You are not having a heart attack. You are having a panic attack. Take this Xanax, deep breathe, and you will be fine”. I took the Xanax, and several deep breaths. The pain soon ended, and my panic stopped. This would be my first “Panic Attack”.

Supermarket Freak Outs and Flip Flopedy HeartsAfter this, they started happening more frequently. I remember one night, awaking in my sleep from a night terror, to my heart flip-flopping like a jack-in-the-box out of control. My breathing seemed force, my mind raced, I was convinced I was dying. By this time I had knowledge of panic attacks, and also had my own prescription for Xanax to control the episodes. Other times I would get attacks in public places, like the supermarket. Overwhelmed in a crowded ghetto store, I would break out in a cold sweat, with my heart racing, and skipping beats. All I could do was leave my groceries, go in to my car, deep breath and drive home. These attacks seemed to control my life.

Zen and Mind ControlI think marijuana can trigger panic attacks in many people. You become so out of control stoned, that your mind will race and cause paranoia and panic. Because of this, I avoided smoking pot for a while. Then, I realized the trick, how to outwit, outplay and outsmart the attacks. By deep breathing, positive thinking, and calm, I was able to think and breathe my way out of an attack. Due to my revelation, my panic attack episodes lasted only a few years. I stopped medicating with prescription pills, and relied completely on mind control.

Panic RevistedTwo years ago, I woke up from my sleep with a racing heart, sharp chest pains, and a shortness of breath. I called my family doctor, and left a night messages worried about a heart attack. The doctor called me back immediately, and talked me through the attack. “Do you have a history of panic attack?” he asked. I told him I had, but I hadn’t had a panic attack in at least six years. He told me to come in first thing in the morning, but to continue to deep breathe. Sure enough, everything was fine….besides my mind. Panic was back.

You Can Chose Your Friends But Not Your FamilyI have been panic free since that night, until this evening. Personal family drama and resulting dysfunctional conversation overwhelmed me to the point of fear. I could feel the pre-panic, my heartbeat beginning to race. Luckily, I have Xanax here, and was able to medicate and breathe my way out of it. Mind over matter, deep cleansing breaths, think positive, this too shall pass.

According to the website Anxietypanic.comA panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than having anxiety or the feeling of being 'stressed out' that most people experience. One out of every 75 people will experience a panic attack at one time in their lives.

Symptoms* raging heartbeat
*difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air
* terror that is almost paralyzing
* dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
* a feeling of imminent danger or doom;
* the need to escape; palpitations;
* shortness of breath or a smothering feeling;
*trembling, sweating, shaking
*choking, chest pains
*hot flashes, or sudden chills
*tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
* fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

Panic FeverIf you get panic attacks you are not alone. This doesn’t make you weak, or frail. For me, deep breathing and mind control served as the key. Xanax helps too, but I learning how to breathe and control your mind without drugs, is the true answer.

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
-Billy Joel

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the
floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
-by Edgar Allan Poe