Patents celebrate the human spirit of innovation, and new patents are a constant source of inspiration. But sometimes you come across some patents that seem a little... evil. Here are nine real-life patents that will make you despair about the human race.

Top image: US Patent and Trade Office

1)
Your Social Media Doppelgänger

Yeah,
we know, it's hard to keep up with all your different social media
channels, you popular little snowflake. But you do, because nobody
instagrams a sandwich or live-tweets a passive-aggressive couple's
argument just quite the way you do — well, nobody, except this newly patented software from Google.

First
it watches you. Then it learns. Then, as far as your networks are
concerned, it becomes you. It is basically the plot to The
Talented Mr. Ripley — except that Matt Damon has been re-cast as an
algorithm and, instead of rowing you out on a dinghy to the middle of
a lake to murder you, he mostly just wants to be the first one on
Facebook to wish you a happpppy birrrrthday!!!!1!1!!

Still,
this one is unsettling not just in the here and now, but in the
long-range. Picture, long after we're all gone, after the concrete
has been cracked through by the growing trees, after the coastlines
have worn away into the ocean, after the shopping malls have been
reclaimed by the crows and squirrels, only one sound remains: the
ping of millions of little us-bots poking each other on Facebook.

Image: US Patent and Trade Office

2)
The noise-dampening, lie-detecting throat tattoo

You
know what's annoying? All the background noise on the other end of
the line when you're trying to talk on the phone. Sure, you could
just
go find a quieter spot to talk in, or you could try this noise-dampening electronic throat tattoo patented by Google for Motorola.
That's a normal, stylish thing to have on your neck, right? Kind of
like a necklace — only implanted on your skin, and with the ability to
steal voices.

It does seem kind of one note, though… maybe if it had
some other function. Fortunately,
Motorola is way ahead of us. The tattoo can also use galvanic skin responses to tell when you
are lying. Handy.

For
those of us with loved ones spread around the world, keeping in touch
long-distance has never been easier. Video chatting, whether at
your computer or just on your smartphone, is no further away than the
touch of a button. Still, sometimes, Microsoft wants you to know,
words just aren't enough. No, sometimes the only way to really say you care is with an animatronic hug sent directly from one
tele-linked pillow to another. Of course, it's not just for
hugs, Microsoft also suggests that you may want to make your business
colleagues and acquaintances vaguely discomforted, with a
long-distance handshake.

4)
In the future, the TV watches you

Verizon
patented this advertiser-friendly technology that combines a series
of audio and visual sensors so that, while you watch TV, the TV can also
watch you back and then send you tailored ads. So, just what behaviors will Verizon be looking for? According to the patent, it could be anything from "eating,
exercising, laughing, reading, sleeping, talking, singing, humming,
cleaning, and playing a musical instrument." And, in the
interests of group togetherness, it's not just you they're worried
about — but also, just how well you work and play with those nearest and
dearest to you. The sensors will also be on the look out for
"cuddling, fighting, participating in a game or sporting event,
and talking."

5)
Uh, Motivational Tactics?

Some
companies like to motivate employees with the promise of bonuses.
Others use perks and vacation time. What they can't use, though, is a linked-web of sensory response monitors to measure the rise and
fall of stress levels — because Microsoft has the patent on that one.

According
to the patent, a little ominously titled Monitoring Group Activities, the system would "automatically
detect frustration or stress in the user via physiological and
environmental sensors and then offer or provide some type of
assistance accordingly." Just what
sort of sensors? A whole lot, apparently: "Sensors
can monitor the user's heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature,
galvanic skin response, EMG, brain signals, respiration rate,
movement, facial movements, facial expressions, etc."

Of course,
the patent does also leave room for another route, beyond these sensors:
"Alternatively, Joe can expressly request assistance."

6)
No, this,
is
how much you're annoying your officemate

So,
that last patent was probably not great for morale. Nope, probably
time to see about doing something to perk things back up around the
old water cooler, like some extra vacation days, or a fancy new
coffee machine, or perhaps just a giant database of all the ways in
which you – yes, you personally — are annoying your co-workers.

A
patent filed by Microsoft in 2010 proposed a system to analyze
digital communications — everything from video conferencing to
emails to IM — between employees for behavior, gestures, ways of
communicating, even clothing, that have been pre-flagged as
bothersome. What would happen to the data next? It would be crunched
to finally give a precise numerical value to the question of just how
annoying your co-workers find you.

Image: US Patent and Trade Office

7)
But, how did the ad make you feel?

This
gaze-tracking patent from Google is aimed at advertisers who want to
know (exactly) just how many eyes see their ads, and for how long,
using what they catchily call a "head
mounted gaze tracking device".
What makes this ad-revenue generating patent so out-of-the box
special, though, is what it does next: it tracks the dilation of your
pupils to measure your emotional response to those ads, and then
stores it for future use. From the patent: "Inferring
an emotional state of the user while viewing the external scenes
based at least in part upon the pupil dilation information; and
storing an emotional state indication associated with one or more of
the identified items."

Oh, sure, you can try
to
tell your friends that those commercials where one polar bear shares
a Coke with another polar bear don't move you at
all
– but your Google head-mounted-gaze-tracking-device knows better.
Your Google head-mounted-gaze-tracking-device knows all.

8) Your TV regrets to inform you that you have too many guests to watch this movie.

Just what is the future of media?
Is it a roll-over to entirely streaming video? The rise of the PC as
TV? Or is it corporations monitoring the precise number of people
watching a show, so that it can fine us for exceeding the licensing
agreement for allowed number of views? If it's the last one, Microsoft
has the patent.

From the patent: "The
limitation may comprise a number of user views, a number of user
views over time, a number of simultaneous user views, views tied to
user identities, views limited to user age or any variation or
combination thereof, all tied to the number of actual content
consumers allowed to view the content. Consumers are presented with a
content selection and a choice of licenses allowing consumption of
the content. In one embodiment, a license manager on the consuming
device or on a content providers system manages license usage and
content consumption. The users consuming the content on a display
device are monitored so that if the number of user-views licensed is
exceeded, remedial action may be taken."

Image: US Patent and Trade Office

9)
The Controller is You

This
laughter sensing tech was patented by Sony in 2011 for either use in
its Playstation or to layer into a remote control. Not only does it
know when you're laughing, but it also holds on to the data, to get a
fuller picture of just where you fit in with your demographic
counterparts. But in this case, it's the picture that really sells
this one. Check out the artist's conception above that was included
as part of the patent and then ask yourself, is this not the most
terrifying of all possible
futures?