How Not To Impress Your Crush

Picture it. Junior year. English class. I’m sitting next to my crush. We don’t talk often, but he’s a nice dude and VERY cute.

My English teacher is droning on AND ON about Beowulf, but he see’s that we are getting bored, so he decides to just let us sit in silence and read for the rest of class.

Now the room is DEAD SILENT. Me, a lactose intolerant who just had a cheesy delicious meal for lunch 20 minutes beforehand, was living the usual life I am rather used too—that is—holding in a fart. But it was NBD. I had it under control. It was just the use’. That was, until I felt a sneeze coming.

Let me remind you, the room is DEAD SILENT, so I’m trying my best to not sneeze loudly. The pre-sneeze comes, I try to fight it, and I catch it before it comes out. The issue here though, is that when you block up one end, the other’s got to let loose.

Yup. My loud pre-sneeze led to an EVEN LOUDER FART. One that NO ONE COULD DENY.

The sound reverberated through the silent classroom. No one said a word. But I knew. I knew he heard it loud and clear.