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Topic: Do you call people out on PA comments? (Read 27121 times)

I think gift-giving is a skill like any other. Some people are amazing at always finding the right thing. But others are just bad at it, and it has nothing to do with their liking or caring for the person involved. Considering how many stories we get here about people who's partners/families do nothing, even when specifically asked, I think it's a hugely different thing.

Making someone else's ability to find the perfect gift about the relationship as a whole seems like a mistake to me. There are definitely situations where a gift would 'say something' about the relationship, but just having to ask every time and not getting the right thing is not it. Gift-giving also can be a major source of angst and unhappiness for both parties, and if that's the case, I think circumventing it by getting a clear direction is for the best.

I prefer being asked what I would like- I'd rather that and have it be less of a "surprise", then end up with some knicknack I'll never use, or piece of clothing that's completely not my style, that I won't ever wear.

As for the "You have to guess what to get me, and heaven help you if you guess wrong" types, I wouldn't want to give them gifts either. It would be money in a card or a gift card, and if they complained, I hope I wouldn't get sent to E-Hell for telling them why. "Look, when I try to pick something out for you, it never seems to go over well, so this way you can get exactly what you want." And if they continue to complain, then no gifts after that.

My son gets really offended when people ask him what he wants. He considers it "not his job" to tell you what to buy him--you're supposed to pay enough attention to him that you can figure it out.

Of course, he hasn't said this to anyone outside our family (and he's 15 so still lives at home, so it's not that we don't have any opportunity to observe him).

But I kind of agree with him that it's not that fun a gift to receive if you "order" it. I'd think that one of the messages was, "don't ask me--think of it yourself. That's the gift-giver's job, and that's why 'it's the thought that counts' *means*--not that you thought to give me any gift at all, but that you thought to give me -this- gift."

I disagree, actually. When someone asks me what I'd like for a gift-giving occasion, I take it as an indication that they care enough about me to want to get me something I'll enjoy and/or use. I'll typically offer a few suggestions, and the gifter is free to choose something from that list, or get something else if they prefer, but at least they've got something to work with.

The expectation to "guess" honestly seems a bit PA to me, but different people, different families, etc., have different "cultures" when it comes to giving gifts, so I think it's partly a "know your audience" kind of thing.

POD. I don't have the energy to try and worry if I've guessed wrong or not. My family members wouldn't be mad, certainly, but I would feel horrible if I got them something they don't like or won't use, and the rest of my family is the same way, so we ask each other for ideas, at the very least, and usually give a wishlist of some kind, because then we know that we're getting stuff that will be liked and appreciated. That's how our family operates, but I know that other people and families love that whole guessing and mystery thing about gifts, so they should do what makes them happy.

I can empathize with both sides. Anyone close to me should know books especially cookbooks and kitchen gadgets are great gifts for me but most wouldn't know which books or gadgets or that this year I really need a new comforter. Even someone who spent time with me and did the "ohhh hey she was really eying that purse " thing would be really wrong , yeah ok I liked the purse but there are about 150 other things I'd want/buy before the purse.

In my experience people who like to be asked prefer receiving gifts that are a high priority for something they would buy for themselves.

Those who prefer surprises are like me and I much prefer to receive a gift that I most likely wouldn't have bought for myself.

So in your example, I'd enjoy receiving any cookbook especially if the person picked it out because they thought I'd enjoy it. Like if after a vacation in Spain my sister finds a really good Spanish cookbook that I might have never come across. Or if I need a comforter, I'm going to be buying the comforter so the purse would be a luxury I couldn't afford.

The only people who ever gave me gifts for things I needed was my parents.

This discussion always reminds me of a guy I knew who bought his girlfriend a new set of tires for Christmas. He even arranged with her Dad to sneak her car to the tire store to have them put on on Xmas Eve and wrapped bows around each one. The guy was only 19 and this was a huge expense. He couldn't figure out why she wasn't thrilled since she had been complaining about needing new tires for a month.

My son gets really offended when people ask him what he wants. He considers it "not his job" to tell you what to buy him--you're supposed to pay enough attention to him that you can figure it out.

Of course, he hasn't said this to anyone outside our family (and he's 15 so still lives at home, so it's not that we don't have any opportunity to observe him).

But I kind of agree with him that it's not that fun a gift to receive if you "order" it. I'd think that one of the messages was, "don't ask me--think of it yourself. That's the gift-giver's job, and that's why 'it's the thought that counts' *means*--not that you thought to give me any gift at all, but that you thought to give me -this- gift."

I disagree, actually. When someone asks me what I'd like for a gift-giving occasion, I take it as an indication that they care enough about me to want to get me something I'll enjoy and/or use. I'll typically offer a few suggestions, and the gifter is free to choose something from that list, or get something else if they prefer, but at least they've got something to work with.

The expectation to "guess" honestly seems a bit PA to me, but different people, different families, etc., have different "cultures" when it comes to giving gifts, so I think it's partly a "know your audience" kind of thing.

POD. I don't have the energy to try and worry if I've guessed wrong or not. My family members wouldn't be mad, certainly, but I would feel horrible if I got them something they don't like or won't use, and the rest of my family is the same way, so we ask each other for ideas, at the very least, and usually give a wishlist of some kind, because then we know that we're getting stuff that will be liked and appreciated. That's how our family operates, but I know that other people and families love that whole guessing and mystery thing about gifts, so they should do what makes them happy.

I can empathize with both sides. Anyone close to me should know books especially cookbooks and kitchen gadgets are great gifts for me but most wouldn't know which books or gadgets or that this year I really need a new comforter. Even someone who spent time with me and did the "ohhh hey she was really eying that purse " thing would be really wrong , yeah ok I liked the purse but there are about 150 other things I'd want/buy before the purse.

In my experience people who like to be asked prefer receiving gifts that are a high priority for something they would buy for themselves.

Those who prefer surprises are like me and I much prefer to receive a gift that I most likely wouldn't have bought for myself.

So in your example, I'd enjoy receiving any cookbook especially if the person picked it out because they thought I'd enjoy it. Like if after a vacation in Spain my sister finds a really good Spanish cookbook that I might have never come across. Or if I need a comforter, I'm going to be buying the comforter so the purse would be a luxury I couldn't afford.

The only people who ever gave me gifts for things I needed was my parents.

This discussion always reminds me of a guy I knew who bought his girlfriend a new set of tires for Christmas. He even arranged with her Dad to sneak her car to the tire store to have them put on on Xmas Eve and wrapped bows around each one. The guy was only 19 and this was a huge expense. He couldn't figure out why she wasn't thrilled since she had been complaining about needing new tires for a month.

And I would have been thrilled...and touched that he went to so much trouble to make it a surprise! I mean, I really like the gifts that are a lovely surprise, too (maybe I mostly just like getting gifts!), like the cookbook example. But I also like gifts that are things I need, because if someone gives me something I need, then I can think of that person whenever I use it, plus that means I can use the money I'd have spent on the thing I need for something else.

My son gets really offended when people ask him what he wants. He considers it "not his job" to tell you what to buy him--you're supposed to pay enough attention to him that you can figure it out.

Of course, he hasn't said this to anyone outside our family (and he's 15 so still lives at home, so it's not that we don't have any opportunity to observe him).

But I kind of agree with him that it's not that fun a gift to receive if you "order" it. I'd think that one of the messages was, "don't ask me--think of it yourself. That's the gift-giver's job, and that's why 'it's the thought that counts' *means*--not that you thought to give me any gift at all, but that you thought to give me -this- gift."

Unless he had really obvious hobbies (e.g. I knew him to be a huge reader) such a person would quickly get nothing but gift cards from me. I simply don't have the knack of finding out what a person would like unless it's book related, and would rather play it safe and give them something I knew they could use.

I do think it is "his job" to point people in the right direction when asked. He doesn't have to give a shopping list, but something like "I like boardgames / big cats / to read / watch movies / listen to new music / the colour blue".... Just anything to give me a starting point.

^^^ I think it was sweet too! To me it would have meant "Oh! He's wants to keep me safe!"

Poor guy! I would have thought he was a keeper!

At this point in my life I would think it was sweet and he was a keeper. At 19 - I doubt I would have thought the same thing.

At 19...I think I still would have thought the same, or largely the same. But that's partly because my dad worked as a mechanic for many years before he retired, so I grew up with a maybe slightly different perspective on things related to cars, etc.

^^^ I think it was sweet too! To me it would have meant "Oh! He's wants to keep me safe!"

Poor guy! I would have thought he was a keeper!

Oh her Dad thought he was a keeper. She knew if she delayed long enough her Dad would buy her new tires. She wanted something sparkly from her boyfriend. His mom warned him about the gift, that his girlfriend wasn't a pragmatist.

But the poor guy was a little present shy after that. I was his girlfriend for the next 3 years and ended up with more jewelry than I I needed or wanted. His mom's standard joke was "well, I saw son wrapping your gift, I'm pretty sure a set of tires wouldn't fit in there." Gosh I miss that woman, she was such a hoot.

Those who prefer surprises are like me and I much prefer to receive a gift that I most likely wouldn't have bought for myself.

And hopefully they're like me, and my kids, and really appreciate the level of thought that went into the gift, even if it turns out that they aren't going to use the gift after all.

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I do think it is "his job" to point people in the right direction when asked. He doesn't have to give a shopping list, but something like "I like boardgames / big cats / to read / watch movies / listen to new music / the colour blue".... Just anything to give me a starting point.

Ah, but his point was that if we are close enough to give him a gift, we should already KNOW things that are this general! He shouldn't have to tell us that--we should open our eyes and ears, and engage our brain, and gather that info ourselves. And he is right. He is the son and brother in our household. He is the grandson and the cousin. Those are the people who are buying him gifts, and if we don't already know that he likes the color green, video games and Legos, then we are doing a poor job of paying attention to him.

^^^ I think it was sweet too! To me it would have meant "Oh! He's wants to keep me safe!"

Poor guy! I would have thought he was a keeper!

I got tires as a gift from boyfriend. I was thrilled! I was in my 30s. I still have the boyfriend. Now, I had some trouble convincing him that I wanted tires for Xmas because so much dating advice says not to. Of course, I saw advice saying don't buy your wife appliances. I was thinking how much I would love a new stove for Xmas, but that is just too expensive for a gift.

I'm not good at picking gifts for The Sweetie, and it's taken some processing between us. She appreciates that I try, but I had a hard time getting over my disappoinment, because I consider myself a good gift-giver.

Now we do a lot of "virtual gifts," where we just show each other a "gift" online or in a store. (I emailed her a link to the Ninjabread cookie cutters.) Yesterday at a toy store, I spotted a $200 Steiff version of the original Tigger (she's very energetic, so her nickname is Tigger). I had her follow me, eyes on the floor, until we got up to it, then I showed it to her, she went "Cool!" and we left.

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My mother used to say that she knew my father was about to propose because he gave her a warm coat for Christmas. It was not at all something she wanted or would have picked for herself, but she understood what it meant in HIS mind.

Wanting to be understood is extremely important when you are 15, especially when so many young people feel misunderstood by their families. I think it's wonderful that Toot's son is so self-aware, and that his family all seem to communicate so well and value each other.

However, I think between grownups, a relationship is going to be very very difficult if the "understanding" is always supposed to flow only in one direction.