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Wicked Ways of the Mind

Real life alien.

I think I got a taste today of how it feels to be an alien. And I don't mean that in a bad way, necessarily. Mostly just complex.

See, I've only known about my autism for a little under two years now, but I've always known there was something "off" about me, compared to others. But it has never been seen as a good thing. Only always being cause for scorn or ridicule.

But lately I've been seeing a... well an expert of a sort, in regards to autism and such. And today while I was explaining some of the ways I viewed people around me, she got really excited and happy, because she'd never heard it put quite like that before. She made notes furiously, and when I joked that maybe I should just write a book about it, she got downright giddy and told me she'd definitely buy it.

And because I'm forever and always a shipper first, this made me think of Garak and Bashir. Because all else aside, how flattering must it have been for Garak to talk to someone like Bashir? Someone who finds him fascinating and awesome, even if mostly because of how different he is to humans, and a little less because of who he actually is? When all Garak knows is suspicion from most of his fellow Cardassians, and outright hatred from Bajorans.

See, I can relate to that. Because I get so little enthusiasm in regards to who I am. Pretty much the only affirmation I get is when I produce something (writing) or do favors for someone (like do stuff for my mom). I think the only one who seems to love me pretty much for no reason is my son.

So I relate to Garak in that way at least. (Not so much the genocide and intense patriotism, but still.) And it's a high. I'm not gonna mince words here, it IS a high. To sit across from someone who is literally hungry for you to tell them more. Who looks at you with stars in their eyes and a million questions. Even though you know it's not YOU they're excited about, exactly. It doesn't matter. It's still a high.

So bottom line. Anyone who tries to tell me that Garak would never be with Bashir because he's young/dumb/annoying or it's risky/out of character(snrrk)/seems stupid for someone as clever as him? Anyone who tries that with me has obviously never been aching for their next high. And Garak? Is an addict. It's canon. And this level of attention, no matter how problematic? Is just too damn tempting.