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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Peeling away the layers....

Well what a shock, its nearly 2am and I am just writing this post now..!! Where does the time go..?? I,ve been busy with samples all day and I,ve got some peeks of one of them. Its pink, its piratey and its fabby..!!!!

I am also in the middle of a quirky house shaped book filled with houses. Yes you heard me right. Its all in sherbety colours and is really cool.

I was telling you yesterday about my new empowerment art journal. I,ve not been having a good time of it recently and it has knocked me back a bit. Now I know a lot of you think of me as a confident loud person. But in reality nothing could be further than the truth. It is all a well perfected act that has taken me years to acquire, and even if I say it myself I do a fantastic job of faking it. I do , in fact, struggle greatly with my confidence and self belief. It is something I have struggled with for 30 years and it,s now the time to get a handle on it. A friend of mine , the lovely Kate, has done a journal post about "the Imposter syndrome" which just sums it all up for me. It is all about the fear of being found out as a fraud. I have no proper art qualifications, or training, I just love what I do. I love to teach and I am passionate about passing on my acquired knowledge to others. I have never claimed to be the best teacher, designer, artist or crafter. I sort of accidentally fell into this career, whilst making a long recovery from myalgic encephalitis (ME for short). I had made a late return to University and was actually studying for a Law degree. But this is what I do, this is what I love and apparently I am good at it, lol. With everything that has gone on in the last year my insecurities have really come to the surface and bubbled over and so I have decided I am going to really work on them, The Art journaling is really helping and so this one is especially dedicated to me and my little idiosyncrasies. I always tell people that you should art journal as though no one else will see what you have written as it is the only way to really express your inner self and so I have taken my own advice, for a change. Some of it is painful, some of it is comforting, some of it is hilarious, but it is all me and that' the most important thing. It is me stripped bare by the person who knows me best - ME. It includes the things I like about myself , the things I don' like and the things I wish I could change. Some of it is too personal to show at the moment, I don' like to look at some of it myself, but I am making myself do it and it is really therapeutic. I am filling it with some of my favourite quotes and meaningful sayings. This is one that really sums me up....

Everyone can see what I appear to be,

But only a few know the real me.

You can only see what I choose to show,

But there' so much behind this smile, you just don' know....

Here'sa couple of pages from it. Its a new size I am working in, still all recycled from newspaper, just a totally different shape.

This one is all about putting on the brave face hat. Looking neither left nor right, one foot in front of the other. Head held high, count to ten and go. Before you know it you are there at the finishing line, you made it.

As you can see I have used two sizes of pages in this journal as I love to see whats coming and whats been. Makes it much more visual.

This is my "life sucks" page. Cos most of the time it seems to. So we can either give in to it and drown or slap a big smile on , get your wellies on ( ace for wading through the crap thrown at you) and pull up your big girl pants. Just get it out of your system ready for the next lot, lol.

This is the one about the many layers we have built up around us over the years and how painful it is when we finally start to peel them back.

I spent the whole of yesterday working on this journal from 10 in the morn to 10 at night and completed 9 pages altogether. I was absolutely worn out and drained from the emotion, but couldn' seem to stop. It took all my will power today not to carry on with it and concentrate on the samples instead. I have banned myself from doing any more until more samples are produced.. But the ideas are flowing thick and fast so I am scribbling them down all the time. I have also started a quote book, where I am jotting them down as I remember, or come across them. I am trying to find the most positive thinking ones I can, so if you have any that always raise your self esteem and send your confidence soaring , then send them in to me.

I love this one and can remember my beloved Grandma saying it to me...

Count your blessings and your problems,

If your problems outnumber your blessings then count again.

Chances are the things you take for granted,

where never included....

And this one although not positive thinking always brings a smile to my face, which surely is a positive result.

Shit happens,

but mainly to me,

so don'tworry about it.

Ok its 2.50 am, one last face book status and one last twitter an I,m done.

Thanks Dyan for sharing such an emotional project.I have never journalled before and not sure where to start but I am going to have a go seeing (guided by your blog) as I have 46 years of "Crap" to journal.Thanks again x

'If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right' - Henry Ford

It's not just in matters of art that you're a teacher - reading your blog has helped me as I've struggled to deal with losing my mother to dementia. Painful as it is, there's some comfort in finding that you're not alone. Thanks for your openness and your exampleLoveAnne

Love your journal Dyan and your honesty. I hope the sun shines for you soon.I keep a journal that I add prose, quotes and inspirational writings to whenever the need takes me and I have two that I love... -0-0-0-0-0-Believe in your dreams andnever say never,That small precious wishyou've kept since forever,May this be the dayyou set your dreams free,As the strings fall awayyou will finally seeThat your dreams can come true....... it is all up to you!

and this one I aim to live my life by:Life shouldnot be a journeyto the graveWith intention ofarriving safelyIn a pretty, andwell preserved body.Butrather to skidin broadside,chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,thoroughlyused up,Totally worn outand loudly proclaimingWOWWHAT A RIDE!

Dy, we're all onions, only some of us peel back the layers and some of us choose to stay in our skins. Peeling back is healthy, liberating and totally bloody scary and to have the courage, not only to do it, but to share it with us scaredy cats is a brave, brave thing and part of the reason you inspire people, that and the fact that you're mad :)Looking forward to my hidden quotes day, who knows I may have scraped the edge of one of my own layers before then :)Bigs hugsSusiexxx

I love reading your blog Dyan, you are so refreshingly honest. I'm glad I am not the only sufferer of Imposter Syndrome. The trouble with this syndrome is that the more successful you are the worse the feeling of being a fraud get. Tsk tsk. Sometimes we should just sit back and give ourselves a pat on the back for all that we have achieved instead of beating ourselves up with feelings of inadequacy (ok, so now I'm feeling inadequate 'cos I can't spell that word, it's too long!) Just keep doing what you do beacuse we all love it :-) Kate