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Saturday, May 15, 2010

-10PM Angela B's Story

As a young girl between the ages of 6 and 13, I experienced multiple-incest, other sexual abuse, domestic violence, mental and emotional trauma, and neglect. The violence, and mental and emotional abuse lasted until I left home at 18. From a young age, I learned to wear deceitful masks, which presented an air of - “I am ok, and everything is normal.” After all, my family appeared “normal”. It was upon me also, to play the charade. I was controlled by fear. I locked it all away as best I could. My inner-existence then, was that of knowing sadness and loneliness, and that of feeling “paralyzed” (emotionally and mentally). I felt numb a lot - dead in my head and heart. I was confused, couldn’t pay attention, and I struggle still, with lost time.. memory blocks.

I have struggled with low self esteem, depression resulting in bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, acute social anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks, eating disorders, alcoholism, drug use, promiscuity, prostitution, failed relationships, acute emotional collapse, suicidal tendencies, and school and work performance suffered. I had to work extra hard to get anywhere. For many years, I didn't understand What was happening to me.. Why I felt so sad and “crazy”.. And when I started to get even the part that I was “depressed”, I searched for many more years for the right answers, and right help. I honestly did not have a clue the answers were already inside me. I had buried the experiences so far down deep, to forget – to make them go away – I kept looking for help outside myself.. Where was it? I didn’t even know What it was I was looking For !

At about age 35, I found myself on a spiritual path. Like-minded people started showing up in my “environment”, and I began to know and understand Connection. I have been learning to peel away the layers of the hardened shell, reacquaint myself with who and what I really am, worked on learning healthier ways of living, and learning coping techniques to try and bring things into balance. I got sober. I had to leave a relationship of 18 years where I realized I was not understood, or supported. I resolved to simplify my life. There was just way too much anxiety and pain. I couldn’t keep even the simplest things straight. It has not been easy. The world doesn’t wait, and I’m not good at catching curve-balls. It has taken me a long time to get where I am. I have spent much of the last few years connecting with loving, caring, people across the world through the internet, and I now enjoy long time cherished relationships with people I not only call my friends....but - my Family. Then came Facebook....and, last October of '09.....

Mackenzie Phillips disclosed her story, a friend told me, and I began a search online. And, through Facebook, I found and joined the group: We Support Mackenzie Phillips & ALL Survivors Speaking Out Against Abuse. I was 50 years old, now. I went through all manner of emotions and pain as I read one story after the other - Their stories were My story!!! I shook with anger and anxiety, and cried tears of sorrow at the realizations of my truth, and oh boy.. I knew for sure then, for the first time, that I was Not Alone. Their abuses and after-effects were so similar to, or the same as mine, and I also learned.. It was Not my fault I felt so crazy.. It was Not my fault what happened to me! I knew this was Big, and thought, "Here It Is!! - Now is the Time - To fully Admit my truth to myself, and to others.” Another door.. perhaps “The Door”, to a great healing. And since then, I have been working on busting the damn door wide open!

My beautiful new friends, and long time friends alike, lift me up with their love, strength, bravery, and encouragement, and I am now able to stand as they stand with me. Some of it is painful.. but, speaking out and telling the Truth is So Liberating!! No, it has not been easy, but I must tell you - I am HEALING by what I am doing!! And I hope that I can encourage, and support healing in others, and bring awareness to the horrific and insidious epidemics of incest, domestic violence, neglect, and other crimes against human beings. When you are ready, you can stand up, too. And, I’ll be right here standing beside you ! Warm ((hugs)) -

To my family of friends; Thank You ! - I Am So Blessed.. And, I am Forever, So Grateful !