Okay at first I was confused and thought you were being rude by giving someone you knew was a vegan a cheesecake and meat sandwich. Thanks for the clarification. I'm vegan btw and I was actually seeing red on her behalf, thinking this was the case! But given your update, I totally see why you would have thought it appropriate - her actions told you she was perfectly okay with- and even liked - the cheesecake and meat. I say you did nothing rude, and yes, she was rude for assuming it's your responsibility to ensure she stays vegan. It's not, it's hers. If she's thinking of being more committed, she should've said something before you gave her the cheesecake (like you do every year, so no surprise there) and she still should have thanked you for ALL of the gifts.

She sounds a bit flaky, I wouldn't worry about it. You did nothing wrong. Don't be surprised, though if you get her family nuts next year and they gripe how everyone else got a cheesecake,

With the update, it sounds as though this woman has been wanting to be vegan for years, and is now moving further in that direction. I suspect Thipu is getting a certain amount of overflow from a woman who is either having trouble resisting foods she likes, or feeling guilty about not having made the change sooner.

From the etiquette viewpoint, I don't think you owe her anything. In your shoes I might call the nephew and see if the whole household is now on the strict vegan diet, or if it's just his wife, and if it's just her, whether cheesecake is too much of a temptation for her right now.

She was incredibly rude. I could see sometime in the summer saying, "I've decided to be really strict with my veganism. Can you please not send us a cheesecake this year? It's so delicious I just don't think I'd be able to resist it." I can't see berating my husband's aunt over a very generous gift.

This is starting to spiral out of control and I'd like to get things straight.

The cake was sent as a gift to her household.

The woman concerned is the wife of a nephew. She's been vegan for at least ten years. She always seemed to enjoy the cake when we were all together. I was there when we put in an order for take-out. The meat sandwich was something she ordered.

A few years ago, the family held a lunch at her home. Cold cuts, cheese and ice cream were served from her kitchen.

In light of this, we had no reason to believe that our gift would be in any way offensive.

I think she was very rude in the way she addressed this.

But I'll say this as someone with extreme dietary restrictions that go unnoticed by a lot of people. When I host, I serve what is best liked among the crowd, not me. I also make a good effort in not appearing as a special snowflake.

It is a bit disheartening to not receive that same treatment back. Never would I ever breathe a word, but I was taken aback this year to receive so many food gifts that I never could consume. Even though I went out of my way to provide the meals that my guest would most like.

This is starting to spiral out of control and I'd like to get things straight.

The cake was sent as a gift to her household.

The woman concerned is the wife of a nephew. She's been vegan for at least ten years. She always seemed to enjoy the cake when we were all together. I was there when we put in an order for take-out. The meat sandwich was something she ordered.

A few years ago, the family held a lunch at her home. Cold cuts, cheese and ice cream were served from her kitchen.

In light of this, we had no reason to believe that our gift would be in any way offensive.

If she is eating meat and cheese she is not vegan...at least not the way we use the word.

This is starting to spiral out of control and I'd like to get things straight.

The cake was sent as a gift to her household.

The woman concerned is the wife of a nephew. She's been vegan for at least ten years. She always seemed to enjoy the cake when we were all together. I was there when we put in an order for take-out. The meat sandwich was something she ordered.

A few years ago, the family held a lunch at her home. Cold cuts, cheese and ice cream were served from her kitchen.

In light of this, we had no reason to believe that our gift would be in any way offensive.

If she is eating meat and cheese she is not vegan...at least not the way we use the word.

I was just about to post something very similar!

For the past 10 years she has most definitely NOT been vegan if she's been eating cheesecake and beef sandwiches. I don't care what she wants to call herself, the woman isn't a vegan.

This is starting to spiral out of control and I'd like to get things straight.

The cake was sent as a gift to her household.

The woman concerned is the wife of a nephew. She's been vegan for at least ten years. She always seemed to enjoy the cake when we were all together. I was there when we put in an order for take-out. The meat sandwich was something she ordered.

A few years ago, the family held a lunch at her home. Cold cuts, cheese and ice cream were served from her kitchen.

In light of this, we had no reason to believe that our gift would be in any way offensive.

I think she was very rude in the way she addressed this.

But I'll say this as someone with extreme dietary restrictions that go unnoticed by a lot of people. When I host, I serve what is best liked among the crowd, not me. I also make a good effort in not appearing as a special snowflake.

It is a bit disheartening to not receive that same treatment back. Never would I ever breathe a word, but I was taken aback this year to receive so many food gifts that I never could consume. Even though I went out of my way to provide the meals that my guest would most like.

How are people supposed to know you have dietary restrictions if they are not easily noticed or easily discernible by what you serve in your own house?

Because you tell them - I am vegetarian and have celiacs, I still serve meat and gluten in my house because others (including my family) eat them. I'd be entitled to be a little offended if someone, knowing my dietary restrictions, gave me beef wellington. (BTW if they sent it to my home for the family, oh well they can have it)

Because you tell them - I am vegetarian and have celiacs, I still serve meat and gluten in my house because others (including my family) eat them. I'd be entitled to be a little offended if someone, knowing my dietary restrictions, gave me beef wellington. (BTW if they sent it to my home for the family, oh well they can have it)

It sounds like in this case they have seen her eat both the cheese cake and meat sandwiches, though. I agree that in your case it would be rude not to have at least part of a gift that would include you - although i would think that would be the cash portion of the gift while the rest of it went to the non vegans in her family.

I can't see how any rational person would believe the OP misstepped here. She gave her traditional gift, which was never refused before. The nephew's wife called to demand ANOTHER gift, which is a terrible etiquette breach in itself. But add to the fact that the OP also sent cash, which the wife neglected to mention and thank her for? AND that the wife is demanding MORE gifts, when she can't be bothered to send even a card to the OP? The wife is rudeness personified.

I can see supporting the wife's case if she politely addressed the OP to let her know that nuts would be more appreciated next year to support her veganism, but to not even be thankful for the cash gift she received? And demand more stuff that holiday? I'd cross her off my gift list without a second thought.

<snip>Don't be surprised, though if you get her family nuts next year and they gripe how everyone else got a cheesecake,

Yup. Personally, I'd just go ahead and scratch them off my list and maybe send a card instead. This woman has taken all the fun and good feeling of giving a gift away from you. Why give her the opportunity to do that again?