I have been texting and chatting online with an ex from 15 years ago. We are both married and don't want to leave our spouses, just want some hot and wild sex that we aren't getting at home. We live about two hours from each other and are considering meeting up halfway. We have been exchanging some pretty suggestive and specific messages about what we would like to do to one another. Any advice for location for meeting, ground rules, etc? Have you done this before? How did it turn out for you? Thanks for the help!

Make sure you ask him to host day time or times when both of ur spouses don't question you. Make sure you wear what he wants you to wear..... Make sure you have bareback for more pleasure. Also make sure that you tell him that u won't be able to meet him often if that what he wants from you. Make sure you have extra pair of clothes as well with panties. Make sure u don't leave love marks on each other which cannot be hidden.

Enjoy

Ron

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I am Ron, 29 from India and now in suburbs of Chicago.

Take the battery out of your cell phone if you have an I phone becuase they have a GPS in them.
Also might as well look in to a good devorce lawyer incase you fall in love, call your husband the wrong name, get that speeding ticket when you were down there and a thousand other things that can go wrong.

Remember condoms.
Don't eat garlic day before.
Use cash, withdraw few times in small amounts near home.
Oh, and think how you'd feel if it was your OH preparing to do what you're preparing to do.
Yeah, I've been in your shoes.

I have been texting and chatting online with an ex from 15 years ago. We are both married and don't want to leave our spouses, just want some hot and wild sex that we aren't getting at home. We live about two hours from each other and are considering meeting up halfway. We have been exchanging some pretty suggestive and specific messages about what we would like to do to one another. Any advice for location for meeting, ground rules, etc? Have you done this before? How did it turn out for you? Thanks for the help!

Wow Liz, there certainly are a great deal of ideas put forth to help you cheat on your husband. Most sound tried and tested.

Couple serious questions...
Is your marriage worth exerting half the planning and energy required for some extramarital dalliances and instead exploring why sex at home has dried up, and fixing whatever it is that has you reaching out to an ex?

You titled the thread “Sex Only Affair”. Is this because the affair will be a strictly physical thing only, and everything else in your marriage is tip-top?

I’m not judging or bashing here. Just trying to better understand your motivations, and comprehend the state of a marriage that warrants such risk and deception.

i don't recommend it. everyone i know who cheats either gets caught or feels awful after. the texting and thoughts that you're having are whats hot. the sex will also be hot but what comes after will be that you cheated, you will feel bad, and forever you will have this secret. if you do plan on doing it and feel as if that's what you need right now do it with a total stranger you'll never see again and not a someone who might tell others that might be a mutual friend.

Ok, to reply to a few, yes, I have been cheated on before and know what it is like.

Yes, Emerson, it's a sex only affair in the fact that neither of us would be looking for more out of it. Yes, there are problems in my marriage, but we are working through those. Sex at home hasn't dried up, but it's not as great as I would like. Part of that is due to my husband's weight gain, the other half due to some of the problems we have that make me not want to have sex with him. We still have sex, but I would like for it to last more than 15 minutes.

Adones - we live far enough apart that there really aren't any mutual friends, and neither of us want to get caught, so we aren't going to go blabbing.

And I agree that the texting and chatting is hot. I think both of us are just looking for some hot, hard sex. That's why I think after a few times it will be over when the novelty of it is gone. But I want to enjoy it while I can, because I can. It may be a horrible idea and I may crash and burn, but I may not, and I'm willing to live with the knowledge of what I've done.

Think about what you would do and what would happen if you got caught. As unsexy as it sounds, this was something my lover and I discussed before we got together.

I got caught the first and only time. Divorce was inevitable, but this wasn't the way I wanted it to happen. I didn't want my ex catching me first. He didn't deserve that kind of bombshell. He did a pretty good job at airing my/our dirty laundry to my friends, family and anyone else who would listen. Luckily, he didn't discuss it with our kids.

Interesting are the words of advice and planning that have been offered. Lots of people who have "been there done that" I suppose. When I was doing such things, I made sure I employed them all. I was super careful, I thought. I also made sure I had a credit card that was linked to a post office box rather than to my home address. Most places other than flea bags won't rent you a room without identification and/or credit card swipe when you check in. Trouble is, since 9/11, lots of better class places also want a second form of ID like a drivers license which they will copy. Leaving a paper trail is something I certainly never wanted to do. Assuming an "afternoon delight" meeting, I made sure I paid cash to the motel/hotel when checking out on the same day to avoid letting bills be sent anywhere if possible. When checking out of a room 3 hours after checking in, be prepared to get sideways looks from motel clerks.

Here's the problem. Despite successful affairs with married women who could compartmentalize the "sex" from their marriages and children and despite the fact that those (except the last one) were on the same "uncomplicated affair" sheet of music I was, there was a hiccup. The last one got possessive, obsessive, and overly emotionaly invested and decided to spill the beans to her husband and my wife to "get even with me" for wanting to end it. She turned out to be much more emotionally unstable than anticipated or as shown by initial agreement. It nearly ended the marriage and cost a lot in legal fees when I had to take her to court for subsequent harrassment and a knife attack plus lots of marriage counseling fees.

Bottom line, if you are still hung up on your ex from high school or somebody else you meet, keep it as a nice fantasy unless you're prepared to pay the price in hurting your spouse and keeping the lawyers and therapists in business. If you are truly unhappy with the sex in your marriage, try counseling or sex therapy. If you're still unhappy and really want out, consider an amicable divorce, and then do what you want with the rest of your life without guilt. Just what I found out the hard way....... for what it's worth.

You are an adult and can what you wish, but I agree with amofiga that having sex outside the marriage might sound tempting, but it rarely is what you think it will be. I more then understand and sympathize about not feeling happy about your sex life with your husband, I know what that is like, I faced something similar for a lot of years with my wife. I also understand that texting and IM'ing and chatting can be hot (long before there was texting, there were online chat forums and such back in the pre internet BBS days, early AOL, Compuserve, etc). The problem is it is so hot when we are texting and IM'ing and such, it is our own little world, and as such the consequences don't seem to be there.....which can lead towards really wanting to do something.

The problem is that often is what they call being compartmentalized, it is where you have this other world you create and because it is, the rules don't apply, you don't feel the guilt, because this 'doesn't matter' or whatever (been there, done that..). Problem is, once you meet, it is likely the 'compartmentalization' will stay, and it may well be very hot sex (could be a dud too, like the cool guy you thought you once knew turns out to be a troll who can't last 15 minutes....)....but then reality is going to crash in, and it isn't pleasant. Keep in mind with this guy what you have are memories from years ago, and that is kind of a fantasy, too, because we aren't what we were back then, few people are.

Your words speak to me as someone compartmentalized, it won't affect the marriage, it is just sex, it has nothing to do with the marriage, and ask yourself, if someone else said something like that about getting high all the time, or cheating on their spouse, or scarfing down a whole cake and then saying it is no big deal because I am going to throw it up, I suspect you would look at them a bit askance.....

I don't know your story, but you allude to the fact that you have been cheated on. If it was hubby that did it, could your problems with sex, and even the desire to cheat, be some sort of subconscious payback for what he did? If so, then maybe rather then plan a tryst with your ex like this, you should be working with someone on that.

Like I said, I more then understand what can drive someone to do this kind of thing, I know what it is like to have a marriage that has love but little sex, with a spouse who has let themselves go, or not on the same page sexually, and all I can tell you from my experience is that though mine was mostly virtual, online fooling around, etc, it isn't a replacement for having it in your primary relationship, and yes, the guilt is there once you have done things, it will be there, I promise you, as much as it may not seem so now. If your marriage has issues in it, as much as you think it won't, that guilt is going to create new emotional walls, which your spouse could pick up on. If you guys have been having issues already, he will probably already be sensitive to changes.

The other thing I would worry about is this is not some guy you met someplace and have a fling with, this is someone you once had feelings for, and that is dangerous, too. As Amofiga said about his own experience, what we assume is a no strings kind of thing can become something we don't want, and it is a lot more likely your will develop something more then having an itch you need scratched if this is someone you once had feelings for.

My take? Spend the time and effort you will have to do in meeting your ex on working on your marriage, get him into couples counseling/sex therapy, find a way to get him to take better care of himself (never hurts to go to the gym together, it is motivating) and work on it that way. If you love your husband, then make the effort to make it work would be my advice. Put it this way, if you have your fling with your ex, it burns out as you think it will, what will have changed? You may have had some hot sex, but in the end, it is your husband you will be spending the time after with, and what kind of fun will it be to have hot sex and then come back to what you describe as being blah? Work on him, and you may be able to have hot sex without having to go to a hotel an hour away, play cloak and dagger (though that can be fun with your husband, pretend to be having an affair, only ya don't have to worry about the credit card receipts).

I could give you all kinds of advice about how to avoid him knowing (like having a prepaid cell with text on it so it doesn't show on your cell phone statement that he may be able to see, if you are on a shared plan), but odds are he will suspect or find out no matter what you do IMO, so I wanted to offer an alternative.

I have been texting and chatting online with an ex from 15 years ago. We are both married and don't want to leave our spouses, just want some hot and wild sex that we aren't getting at home. We live about two hours from each other and are considering meeting up halfway. We have been exchanging some pretty suggestive and specific messages about what we would like to do to one another. Any advice for location for meeting, ground rules, etc? Have you done this before? How did it turn out for you? Thanks for the help!

My only advice is don't come to lit and make a post asking for advice. You quickly stir up the "moral police" who will tell you why its wrong and that you're a terrible person for cheating and blah blah blah. Be safe, have fun, stay discrete about it, and ignore the people on here telling you how to live your life.

My only advice is don't come to lit and make a post asking for advice. You quickly stir up the "moral police" who will tell you why its wrong and that you're a terrible person for cheating and blah blah blah. Be safe, have fun, stay discrete about it, and ignore the people on here telling you how to live your life.

I'm confused. Is she supposed to do as you say and have fun, or is she supposed to ignore you telling her what to do?

Even with the best laid plans things don't always go the way we expect. You have a history with this man, and I assume that history is more than sexual - you may both have the best intentions of keeping everything sexual this time around...but 'feelings' can creep in at the strangest times.

You set your boundaries and you swear you won't cross them...some months later you wake up and your heart has other ideas - two years later and....

My only advice is don't come to lit and make a post asking for advice. You quickly stir up the "moral police" who will tell you why its wrong and that you're a terrible person for cheating and blah blah blah. Be safe, have fun, stay discrete about it, and ignore the people on here telling you how to live your life.

"Staying discrete" is exactly what the "moral police" are recommending here :-)

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New for February 2015: The Wasp of St. Judith's. A night-shift nurse in a dementia ward, a burned-out old musician, and a new co-worker.