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I’m your past. I know if you can write back, you will blame me for everything. I know. ‘Coz I am you, and you are from me.

First off, I am wondering. How are you? How are you, my future self? ‘Coz I’m worried. I am worried that my past self, and now your past, or my current self is not doing well enough. I am worried, that I am not doing anything good. I am worried, that whatever you are experiencing right now, is all my fault. I have so many regrets. I think I am never good enough. I am never good enough, that’s why I don’t deserve to succeed. I don’t deserve to feel great about myself. Because I am not good enough. I want to know. Even if you f*cking blame me, I still want to know. What have I done all my life? What have I done my entire life? What have I done to become you? Are you still me? Or are you a changed person? If you have changed, what have you become? Did you become the demon I always felt lurking inside of me? Or have you outsmarted it, finally?

I want to know so much. I want to know. Did you reach my dreams? Or am I the one to blame for failing? What happened to everything? What happened to my aspirations? Did you change it? Or are you still following it? Have you reached any? Or have you trashed it all? Or maybe some? If you have the chance, would you write back? I want to know so badly. What have you become?

Do you still play Dota 2? Is there a new game we got addicted to? Would it be possible for us to play together? I would love to challenge myself. Heck, I know you’d be a better gamer by now. I still suck today, but not that bad. You know it, right? Have you pulled out of gaming? Don’t you play anymore? Yeah, this one takes a lot of time, too. Did we stop playing game? Did we just do other stuff we wanted to do instead of playing this? Is it fun still playing? Or is it good we stopped this, and just had fun on other activities we also enjoy doing?

What happened to our paintings? Did you continue to paint? Did we finish a lot of set already? Have we added a few, a couple, a lot, or nothing to our current collection?

Do you still enjoy photography? Am I or are you still shy of taking pictures candidly while having a walk anywhere? Did we start using better cameras?

Do you still write? Do you still miss it? Have we finally made it in our blogging? Did we improve in our writing? Were you able to write an article featured anywhere publicly? Did we finally publish our dream book? Or, did we stop believing? Did we stop writing because it won’t take us anywhere?

What happened to her? And her, too? Do you still choose to talk to her? Do you still miss her? Do you still wanna see her? Were you, were we, finally able to meet her? What happened to her? Is she in love to somebody already? Did you… did we… did I… tried... to chase her? Does she still believe me? Are you two together? Do you still want to be with her? Do you still love her?

Did I improve on my living? How do I look now? What do I have now? Did I finally lose everything I loved because I was careless? If you could talk back to me, would you answer me? I want to know. And whatever happened, whatever happened that you may hate me, I am sorry. I am sorry, that even you, my future self, is mad at me. I’ve always known that I was the one to blame. I take the blame. I am sorry.

I know you. You are from me. That’s why I know, you won’t just blame me. I know you’d still thank me. No.You’ll just be thankful. You won’t thank me, but you will be thankful of everything. I still honestly believe that you are a grown man now. I know, you’d stop being pathetic. I know you are destined for greatness. You will thank me not because of the good outcomes of whatever I do now, but you’ll thank me for bringing you to the road you are now passing. That’s a good road.

Today, I realized, I truly found out, and proven, that what
makes a person gloomy is doing something that the heart entirely dislike –
doing something you never really liked.

My heart is racing to finally find out, again, that I’m
about to do something I don’t like. Something I hate and dread so much. I hate
it. And I don’t know why I am even doing this. As if I had no choice at
all.That is always the question, and
the answer is simple – I do it not for myself. But it turns out, it makes me
lonelier than contented of the sacrifices I make. Is it an unnecessary
sacrifice to make people around you happy by doing something you never really
liked, but only for the sole-purpose that you think that these people will be
glad of what you do?

I can sacrifice for the good of those who surround me, but
in the end, am I happy with that sacrifice? I am already taking the toll. It’s
getting heavier now. And the pain is getting more real.

I’d rather die young. Maybe, I am so scared of staying more
years on earth. I fear that every day will just get worse ‘coz life is just
unfair.I am scared to experience more
of these. I don’t want to suffer anymore.