Mat Honan

Once-great computer company HP wants to get out of the computer business but has no concrete plan how or when and, oh btw, also wants to sell you this computer. Sadly, it's not called the Death Rattle. It has Ethernet.

Meet the HP Compaq 8200 Elite All-in-One PC! It's got ports, and stuff. It is probably just as good as its name. It comes in many configurations, all of them featuring various flavors of Windows 7 and Intel processors, which is an excellent combination that can also be found in many other computers, some of whose manufacturers will be selling PCs next year because they aren't HP. You can pick up the base model for less than $1000.

What does it mean when the world's largest PC manufacturer quits? Some say it's the death …
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This could be HP's last computer! Or not! Who knows‽ Probably not HP. HP says it will sell more computers this year. But HP knows things can change. HP is unpredictable, like eating gum drops in the rain! Do not doubt its grand and gelatinous plans!

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The all-in-one body lets you "cut the clutter and streamline your enterprise computing experience." Enterprise is a fancy word for business. It means this computer will do spreadsheets and stuff. Yet there is also a microphone port, and an audio port. You can plug your headphones into it! At work!

It has a three year warranty, which is an amount of time you can mark on your calendar, perhaps even from this computer.

HP notes that this computer will let you "[c]hat face-to-face and feel more connected to co-workers at the office, across town or on the other side of the globe using the built in webcam and array microphone." You can probably also use it to show someone else live video of yourself naked, like a pretty, pretty bunny. Maybe even Leo Apotheker. He's getting out of the PC business, you know, so he'd probably like to see your penis before he does. This computer will let you show it to him. It has USB. [HP]