Politics

It’s been just 13 months since the British people voted to leave the European Union. Since then my utterly awful Metropolitan Elite (™) friends have been on a warpath. A loose coalition of Champagne Socialists, Lidl Prosecco Liberals and Craft Beer Corbynistas have conspired to inform and reiterate to me just how wrong the British electorate were and how angry they are. (I am of course, for the purposes of this blogpost, above the fray and have never slighted anyone in my life.)

Brexit negotiations have started and nobody thinks they’re going well. We’ve opened Schrodingers’ box and found a cat that is not quite dead but has a grim case of scabies and quite justifiably hates us for putting it through this ordeal. The Tories want to keep this cat, even if it bites us or ruins the economy. Labour want to nurse it in a way that appeals to their feline-friendly working class voters and their more murderous metropolitan supporters. The RSPCA are nowhere to be seen, presumably because they have more important things to do than deal with laborious metaphors.

Since the referendum, I have had about three conversations a week about how badly Brexit is going. I’ve had 152 conversations that have all been the same. It’s like Groundhog Day, if Groundhog Day had been a film about a man discussing the intricacies of EU regulations and the technicalities of the customs union. It’s like Groundhog Day if Groundhog Day had been shit.

I’ve become so Bored of Brexit (incidentally the title of my upcoming book which details my disinterest over 452 pages) that I’ve devised a way to help all my friends get over it. So take heed Botanical Gin Bolsheviks! Here’s what you need to do …

Get excited for the London property market crash!

Sure, this housing crisis could be solved relatively easily with rent controls and investment in social housing but that’d make us all card-carrying Communists and we’d suddenly find ourselves living in an authoritarian dystopia. Brexit may be our only hope. When the economy inevitably crumbles, providing you still have a job, it could well be your time to get on the ladder! (But do be careful as it’ll probably be a ladder made in Britain.)

Take solace from the fact the hard Brexiteers are just as mad as you

Women still get maternity leave. Hanging continues to be illegal. Shillings have not been reintroduced. There’s no doubt the hard Brexiteers are upset. The mewling headlines of the Sun, the Mail and the Express (who have complained of ‘traitors’ and a ‘foreign elite’ seeking to ‘subvert’ Brexit) read like deranged a Twitter feed jointly run by Nigel Farage and Joseph Goebbels. We should of course, denounce the bigoted screed these second-rate publications spew but it’s also good to know we’re not alone – they’re just as unhappy as we are.

Talk to a ‘Lexiteer’

These are people on the political left who will tell you that Britain leaving the EU, a buttress against a brutal Conservative ideology of austerity and social darwinism, was definitely a good thing for workers’ rights and minorities in Britain. Talking to any of them for five minutes will ensure you never want to talk about Brexit again.

Flee

Take a trip to continental Europe or go backpacking anywhere in the world. Rest assured that nobody will bring up Brexit. You’d never mention Donald Trump to a clearly liberal American would you? No. And by the same logic, nobody will mention Brexit to you. A foolproof plan.

Rigorously following this advice will help us all move forward as we enter another 13 months of Brexit bargaining. And although by enacting the above you won’t actually achieve anything tangible, that will put you pretty much on a par with David Davis and Boris Johnson.

As something of a political geek and a total loser, I’m often attempting to befriend journalists and insiders who might treat me to some governmental gossip. Over a few drinks, they’ll humour me with things they’ve learned that, for one reason or another, haven’t made it into the public domain. I find this kind of tittle-tattle incredibly stimulating and for that reason I am no longer welcome in several London pubs.

Some of these Westminster whispers (also the title of my Boris Johnson erotic fanfiction) are totally believable – the suggestion that Michael Gove has been largely absent from this election because he has been returned to the wood elves comes to mind – whereas others are totally ludicrous – the rumour that Jeremy Corbyn has bought a third suit smacks of fantasy.

Last night, after studying his Twitter and Facebook feeds to monitor his movements, I randomly bumped into a young Guardian columnist at an Islington pub. The writer and activist, who I shall henceforth anonymise said something to me that simply didn’t add up. ‘I think Theresa May really wants to win this thing’ Jones Owen told me.

I was poised to dismiss Jones’ suggestion as yet another craft beer Corbynista conspiracy but suddenly he did something very strange. Jones scanned the pub before surreptitiously opening his messenger bag. ‘Look’, he said and passed to me a binder labelled Theresa May’s Diary. I was shocked.

‘How did you …?’ But when I looked up he was gone. Vanished. ‘How odd’, I thought. Then I noticed he was actually just leaving, having returned his empty Punk IPA bottle to the bar.

On his way out, Jones gave me a look which seemed to say, ‘Please selectively edit and publish extracts of this document. I know your largely dormant blog will provide a better platform for this explosive material than the Guardian ever could.’

It is a request I now intend to honour.

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18th May – Conservative Manifesto Launch: A total success

This was my opportunity to bring my brand to the people and it couldn’t have gone better. For years, my party has been accused of pandering to over 60s at the expense of the young. I am the woman who has ended that. By introducing a death tax (the papers seem to have gone with ‘dementia tax’ but in a way that’s even better) I’ve proven that I’m not only mercilessly tough on the young but also on the old. The Iron Lady mark 2! Giant majority, here I come.

19th May – Strong and stable wins the race

I’ve come under a lot of criticism for my dementia tax. The country will soon see that clawing extra money from the deceased is a far fairer way to fund social care than a small increase in corporation tax. Those suggesting I row back will be ignored. The lady is not for turning!

22nd May

I have decided a partial U-turn on my social care policy is the best course of action.

31st May – Leaders’ Debate: A superhuman performance

People have started to doubt whether I’m strong or stable enough to deliver the Brexit that Britain needs. This is worrying. I am at my strongest when calling for the total withdrawal from the European single market that so many British exporters are crying out for. Unable to win them over with this strength, I have decided that at tonight’s leaders’ debate, I will show off a new power. Invisibility. I will be omnipresent (and constantly talked about) without actually appearing. A foolproof plan!

1st June – Time to bring Boris back?

The public don’t really seem to be getting my brand. I’m a responsible Conservative who won’t be drawn on figures. I’m a visionary that won’t answer questions. I am strong and stable but also highly amenable to pressure from my own party, the right-wing press and just about everyone else. What is is about this that they are struggling with? Jeremy Corbyn is consistently promising them everything and I am promising NOTHING. What’s not to like?!

—

Back in the pub, I stared at the diary. It was true, Theresa May really did want to win this election.

I’m officially declaring myself a supporter of the Green Party. I left Labour some time ago, disillusioned by Ed’s hesitancy to argue for the radical change this country needs.

The Green Party seem to be the only mainstream political party that are properly addressing the worldwide environmental crisis, the commodification of education and the pain caused by austerity measures that have been levied on the poorest.

The party now has more members than both UKIP and the Lib Dems. It could win several seats in the upcoming general election. If it does, I believe it would shift British politics towards social justice and away from the divisive reactionary discourse both the coalition and the opposition seem to have embraced.

I joined the party a few hours ago and would encourage like-minded people to do the same. Or, if you don’t know much about them check out their website.

The last few days have seen an escalation of tensions in Ukraine. Journalists and commentators have rushed to make sense of the volatile political situation. Why is Russia behaving so aggressively? Why is Putin risking so much? Events have unfolded so terrifyingly quickly, we’ve hardly had time to stop and ask how things have been able to reach this stage.

But, at last, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Treasury Minister and close aide to George Osborne, Sajid Javid has pinned down the root cause of the geopolitical crisis: Ed Miliband. Of course.

On Saturday he tweeted:

I once was blind but now I see. Ed Miliband’s attempts to stop the UK from intervening in Syria effectively gave Vladimir Putin a big thumbs up to invade continental Europe. Well, I’m glad you cleared that one up – thanks Sajid.

But this has got me thinking … What other seemingly unrelated problems actually implicate the Labour leader? Here are a few possibilities …

Unemployment

Although he is not in power, Ed Miliband has significant opportunities to boost employment, but fails to take them. He could employ a family photographer. Or a footman. And yet he doesn’t.

Damage from the floods

The Labour leader isn’t famous for investing in sandbag companies. Few people are, but he’s certainly not one of them. There’s a direct link between Ed Miliband’s reluctance to take ownership of a sandbag company and damage caused by the recent flooding.

Frustrating self-service checkouts

Red Ed could have pursued a career in engineering, rather than politics. Had he done so, he may well have have dramatically improved the functionality of self-service checkout machines. Guess what? He didn’t. Every time you hear, ‘Please place the item in the bagging area’, you should think of this man. Grinning.

Is Ed Miliband the devil? Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. But by refusing to become an exorcist, he is at least facilitating the devil. Creating a direct link between himself and the Prince of Darkness …

In any case, he is almost certainly to blame for just about everything. Is a man responsible for all the world’s ills fit to lead the country? If Vladimir Putin has his way, we will surely find out.

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