Thursday, November 09, 2006

A Few Things I Need

I need all persons in my workplace who can only converse by constantly shouting at one another across the office to rediscover the wonders of the telephone, the Internet, and shutting the hell up.

I need the Gap in my neighborhood to stock men's ribbed fitted T-shirts in XS. In fact, I need American retailers everywhere to acknowledge that short men without beer guts exist and require clothing.

I need Rachael Ray to choose one (1) television show and immediately cease production of the other seventeen. It's enough already, Rachael.

I need That Guy I See On the Subway Most Mornings to either come over and say hello or stop staring at me, because it's getting weird.

I need the Trixies in my neighborhood to wear sensible shoes while they commute. If I miss one more train because you can't manage your Prada stiletto heels on the stairway to the platform, onto the tracks you go.

I need the two people who have expressed worry that my conversion to Buddhism is a terrible tragedy, and have suggested I return to the arms of Jesus, to worry about something else.

I need the conglomerate that owns Macy's to personally apologize to me for defacing the old Marshall Field's flagship on State Street with black awnings. It looks like a funeral parlor. I thought you people in New York City were supposed to have a sense of style.

I need Stephen Fry to call me and explain his long-standing indifference to my public protestations of love for him.

I need to take four pairs of boots to the Boot Guy for new soles.

I need the grocery store in my neighborhood to relocate about three blocks closer to my apartment.

I need the grocery store in my neighborhood to stop running out of things like butter. What American grocery store runs out of butter? Especially when next state north is Wisconsin. How hard can it be to keep the lines of distribution open? Are the Butter Trains being ambushed by packs of Dairy Bandits?

I need to eat less butter.

I need to lose about five pounds. (See item 12.)

I need, as the immortal Nina Simone put it, a little sugar in my bowl. It might make the previous 13 items rather easier to bear.

90 comments:

Nanna
said...

I am never standing next to you! At 6'2" & XL( rarely L), you would make me look like the Michelin tyre man. You need to visit Oxford St, Sydney. The street is full of stores selling XS or S & nothing else - you would be in Nirvana & that's excluding the bars... ;-p

My local grocery store decided to run out of Helmann's mayo in the regular size jar (rather than the industrial vat) as well as all Heinz ketchup. When I sent an email to corporate stating that this stocking issue was a bit much on a holiday weekend, they responding with a form letter stating that they couldn't be responsible for stocking speciality items. I replied that if ketchup and mayo are special, I'll change to shopping at SuperTarget.

Well, as for #8:If Dear Stephen can cough up some reasonable excuse for being able to resist your charms, he should be able to come up with (ahem) an explanation for why he hasn't changed teams and come running to me, either.So there.Karen Who Lurks

Yep, we got lots of butter up here. And it's cheap! 1.79 lb! At one of our local stores, they've trained the cashiers to ask if you find everything ok. If you actually say "No" it baffles them. They never try to do anything about it.

So, tomorrow we'll find out if the guy on the train reads your blog and works up the courage to say Hi. Or if it's just creepy.

A friend of mine from Chicago actually hissed at me when I told him that my fiance and I are registered at Macy's. I scoffed, until he bought me my first Frango mints - then I became an ootch more sympathetic!

I'll see your noisy co-workers and raise you a soft football. I got bonked in the head the other day as two of the resident clowns were playing catch. In the office. Sheesh! Told them if it happened again I was going to see if the football would fit through the shredder...

oh and my local supermarket (Kaleen IGA in Canberra, australia - ha! I can publicly name and shame them!) never seems to have regular cream. Thickened cream, low fat cream, double dolloping cream, sour cream, creme fraiche - you name it. When all I want is bloody regular cream....I've lost count of how many times it happens. WTF?

I need to get more sleep, because I was contemplating your last analogy and mixing up "sugar in the bowl" with "junk in the trunk," and couldn't figure out how it was you needed to lose five pounds *and* have more junk in your trunk, as it were. But I'm hip to your jive now.

This ought to get you good and pissed, as if you aren't already:http://www.lptrixie.com/The site isn't even up yet, but I already hate their guts, too.I wish you luck with Stephen Fry. You'd be such a cute couple.

My son needs XS TALL! :) Go figure. You can get M, L, XL and multi-XL in Tall sizes, but try getting an XS or S in Tall sizes. The boy (he's only 16) is 6'4" and weighs in at about 140. He's a skinny butt.

So, I sympathize with the XS things...

On the butter, I am appalled on your behalf. What self-respecting grocer could run out??? Here, I buy a pound or two every time it is on sale. I don't ever want to run out (BTW, the only time I've ever seen a shortage involved two feet of snow, followed by an ice storm! :))

omein to 2, 3, 5 & 6 (and the others but those four are the most relevant to me & my man [we also request shoes being sold in size 8 (for him) and women's 5 (for me). ARG!! I'd also request that petite pants actually fit a petite woman in length. I'm not and never have been a 31" inseam. I don't get it. (thanks for letting me get that out)))

Well, Nos. 10 and 11 could actually help you with Nos. 12 and 13 if you're that worried about it, but I'm afraid if I said that, you might karma me to death with a stolen Prada shoe, due to frustration from Nos. 1, 2, 5 and 14. Not to mention righteous anger. So I won't. ;)

On the other hand, re the butter: As apparently Some People are hoarding butter in your neighborhood, the next time you see more than one forlorn package at the store, grab as many as you can afford and freeze the extras. I think you can store 'em for up to six months. Not that mine ever last that long. Just watch out if Dolores finds 'em. I shudder at the thought.

Macy's! I liked Macy's just fine before they started buying everything else up. We had Macy's here in Texas before - now we have LOTS of Macy's because we don't have Foley's anymore. My mom doesn't have Famous Barr anymore. And the State Street Marshall Field's - I had hoped those rumors that they were keeping that one Field's was true. How hard would it have been? I will be in Chicago in a couple weeks, and will have to go by to mourn, but not to buy anything. Except possibly a box of Frango mints.

To the Stepehn Fry fans - I once heard him saying on the radio that he'd love to have kids, and envisged a relationship with a woman where they were mostly platonic but had an 'arrangement'. He was celibate at the time, but I can remember thinking it was fine idea!

He's a delightful man Franklin, but I don't think he's right for you either (or me if it comes to that!). Not least because - A) I think he's taken at the moment, and - B) We in the UK have been treated to two very interesting TV programmes he has made on manic depression. I'm not sure that even Buddhism would give you patience the to cope with that.

I don't know a thing about number 8. Maybe that's because to #3 all I can say is, one more reason not to get a TV. Numbers 1,2,6,7, yep. Number 4, move to a new car. Number 11, Oh, you didn't hear about that problem? I should bring some my next trek across. Item 10 will not help item 13. Lastly, I get the issue in #5 but my grandmother's nickname was Trixie, so go easy, OK? She was 4'11', loved a party, and looked great in a peplum. So when those gals annoy you, remember a fellow, short Chicagoan and if you are exasperated, follow her lead. Say, "For the love of Mike!" Well, maybe not as the name may cause you trouble and the particular Mike she was referencing was St. Michael, the Archangel.

I have been married for the last 36 years to a XS man. So far I have refrained from pounding to applesauce the snotty clerks who say "Have you tried the boys' department?", but as I age, my tolerance is slipping.

Have you been through the Illinois toll-way lately!?! Your butter trucks are probably in that line trying to make their way through. Sure, the pass moves things through faster...but if you want butter from us....

I once saw Scott Hamilton (plus petite than toi) asked if his height was ever a problem. Ever the diplomat, he didn't deck the idiot interviewer; he just said "Well, the last blazer I bought had a ducky on the pocket..."

The Muslims have it right by banning proselytization..... practicing whatever you practice religiously is fine, but shaming others for not practicing what you practice should be a sin, or at least illegal.....

I love the Buddha, he's happy, serene, tranquil and walks the middle path.....more religions could walk the middle path.

I am totally with you on the clothes (no, not all women with a bust also have a belly to match), as well as the Buddhism, the butter, and the sugar. And the 5 lbs. Except for me it's more like 15 (despite my comment about the clothes).

You're wonderful, Franklin. Life would be so much duller without you. As for Stephen Fry, he could probably do with meeting you as he suffers from manic depression. In the unlikely event that I am ever in a position to mention you to him, I shall do so gladly.

With the advent of cellular phones, I didn't think anyone bothered to yell from one room to another anymore. I have watched people at my university talk on the phone to someone who is a 30-second walk away. And sat on the bus next to a sorority girl who is chatting away with her girlfriend, who is on the sidewalk next to the bus we are on. "Oh, I love your shoes!". Gack.

I had a woman on my bus last year like your subway guy. She would always sit as near to me as possible and stare, unblinking, the whole way to campus. Moving to a place I can bike to work from solved that problem.

#1. You think butter is hard, try finding arugla in Chicago. I went to four stores the other day and couldn't find any. FOUR!

#2. I actually pushed (well, actually, sharply elbowed and then squeezed past) a baggy-pant-wearing-escalator-hogging-teenage-hood-sporting jerk out of my way yesterday so I could make a train. He called me a bitch, but I got on and he didn't. Ha.

#3. I sigh a happy sigh because no one yells office to office where I now work, with my own walls and door, where they close two hours early sometimes just because the receptionist is tired of answering the phone...

#4. They don't make shirts for tall men without beer guts either. They only come in lumberjack or obese lumberjack.

How ironic that fashion designers believe that all women ARE short and flat-bellied and love to wear teensy, clingy midriff-baring shirts made of a scrap of fabric, yet they believe that all men are the opposite and design accordingly.

I would personally like it if an American retailer would acknowledge that tall women WITH beer guts exist and require clothing.

Wait. Here's an idea. Trade retailers. We can shop at your stores for the beergut shirts, and you can shop at ours for the XS ribbed fitted t-shirts. ;-)

I have noticed this strange upwards creeping of menswear sizes, too, particularly in knitting patterns. My perfectly normally shaped husband, sans beargut despite his advancing years,(nothing I don't say to his face) bearly scrapes it into "small" sizes when a year ago, he was medium. Very strange and sudden.

Sadly I think the universe is arranged so that no matter what your body configuration happens to be there is nothing that fits. Be of good cheer - you'll be as cute as a button no matter what you wear.

I too am pissed off at Federated. They bought out the Bon Marche chain in the Pacific Northwest and made it a friggin' Macy's. I refuse to step inside the building. The Bon had been around since 1890 in Seattle. And yes other companies had bought it over the years but it was always called the BON MARCHE.

3. She is now on EVERY DAMN BOX of Triscuits, Wheat Thins, and every other Nabisco cracker product. Rachael Ray, grinning, holding a tray of cracker hors d'oeuvres made with whichever cracker is in that box, and her recipes on the back. Things like "2 tbsp of lemon juice, just eyeball it!" are in the ingredient lists.

#2! Chicago has got to be better than Minneapolis when it comes to outfitting short slim men. My husband wears a size S and damned if I can ever find him clothes. That's why I knit his sweaters. How come they have a plethora of stuff for short women? (moi, almost 5'2", "petite medium")?

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