Friday, January 18, 2013

Project Terrible 9: Bong of the Dead

Now we’re getting into the truly Terrible stuff. While Die was pretentious and dull (to me), today’s film is just plain bad. The film- Bong of the Dead. Even existing in the shadow of such films as Evil Bong 1 & 2, this film is still awful. Those films had a solid enough plot, even if it was stupid. This film has a plot idea too big for them to handle and they compound it by not even delivering on the minimalist plot that exists here. The short summary is this: two Stoners discover that they can turn Zombie brains into fertilizer, so they go to get a bunch of it. See- stupid premise, but it can work. It doesn’t. I won’t SPOIL what all happens just yet, but sufficed to say that you’d be disappointed with the pay-off. Oh and did I mention that this film was set in a Zombie Apocalypse, because that’s kind of important. Well, it would be if the film did anything major with it. Besides wasting six minutes on a guy being mutated by the source of the infection- in this case, it’s a bunch of meteors-, there’s almost nothing done with the premise. It’s mostly an excuse to have a cast of maybe a dozen people with speaking roles. So yeah, this is what Project Terrible is all about- low-budget crap with plots that go nowhere and suffer for it. To see why this film truly fits the bill, read on…

In the drawn-out opening, meteors strike the Earth. Our perspective for the infection is an old man painting Garden Gnomes badly. That’s funny?

No, Not really. That would be funny.

After that, we meet our two ‘heroes’: two Stoner idiots. To note, not all Stoners are idiots…but these two are.

One of them explains that he was able to turn Zombie brains into fertilizer (off-screen) and this can make pot plants grown within seconds.

What follows is a montage of them doing stupid shit and apparently using up their entire weed supply in 20 minutes. No, really.

This leads to a road trip to *dun dun dun* the Red Zone aka the place where all of the zombies are. At least, that's the plan.

After another montage (you’re not Rocky!), the pair get stopped and held hostage by an evil Zombie. This peril is short-lived and they escape easily, since the main Zombie henchman has no eyes and just knocks out the leader.

Wow, there was drama for like two minutes there.

After that, they get stuck at a Gas Station run by some guy in a welding mask. Sadly, it’s not Dog-Welder (look it up), but actually a hot chick.

She lets them stay until their car is fixed, but things turn sour when she has to kill the Zombie she used to run her shower (don’t ask). They decide to leave and…oops, Zombie Army V.2.

In the End, the Zombies are killed, but our second banana bites the dust…thanks to a small, wound-less bite. As for the other two, they decide to stay where they are as a couple. So no more Zombie Pot, huh? The End.

Ugh. Ugh. UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Let it be said: humor is subjective. That said, anyone who laughs at most of what this film has to offer would actually have to be on some sort of psychotropic drug. I mean, the goal of pot-themed films is to make them relatable to people who *partake* in the substance. They aren’t meant to ONLY be funny if you’re literally taking drugs at the time, are they? If so, I can’t imagine people are putting this much work into them. Even films that are often considered to require you to do Acid (see Pink Floyd’s The Wall) can exist on their own. Hell, films that mostly random gags and noise (e.c. Freddy Got Fingered) still have more of a plot than this thing. This thing is so inept and ridiculous that I was almost hoping for an ‘it’s all a dream’ ending. Those are usually the worst kinds of cop-outs, but it would actually be good- if only because it would erase the plot. You want a good example of how inept this film really is? For the opening scene with the old man and the gnomes, we get a ‘Six Months Earlier…’ title card, despite it being the first title card. After the Credits, we get a ‘Six Months Later…’ title card. Do you not even know how those work?!? The only praise I can give this movie is an overwhelming use of practical effects for gore/blood. Oh and they use the Lawnmower Cuts Up Zombies bit from Dead Alive too. In summary, Bong of the Dead fails in pretty much every regard. It truly is- unless you’re stoned out of your gourd- Terrible.

Next up, I cover the final film in the Poison Ivy ‘series’ and the only one made outside of the ‘90s. If you thought Poison Ivy 2 was unrelated, you haven’t seen anything yet! Stay tuned…