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My favorite Chinese restaurant does not deliver. You can call in and pick up though, and it is ALWAYS ready in 15-20 minute. Actually, it is not. But that’s what Bruce, the owner says, and we all go with it. Because the food rules.

Here is MY version of 15-20 Minute!

My schedule is brutal this week at school. But I wanted to make something for my dudes, so they don’t go and get a new mommy. Jerks. Time to begin, let us get Paula Deen up in here! is that how you spell her name, who the fuck cares? You know all that food she makes tastes like cigarettes and hairspray, anyway. Time to get out the old trippy mushroom pan!

Iced Tea is always a nice quick item to make. Technically, you have to heat up some water, so file that under cooking! Also: I love to make Ice-T because then I can yell “ICE MOTHER FUCKING TEA, BITCH.” I love Body Count. I put some Earl Grey in there, and got all fancy with it. This is usually the part where I give up, go drink a beer and listen to Body Count for the rest of the night. But I have to STUDY tonight so we must press on…

While your tea is brewing up, get out your old rice crispy supplies. Butter, (HELLO PAULA DEEN) and marshmallows and rice crispies. Buy that shit at Aldi, don’t be a full-pricer. Nobody likes a full-pricer. If you BUY rice crispy treats already packaged up, I will judge you. Harshly. Unless you are homeless. Even then, I will judge you. What you don’t got 20 minutes ya homeless bum, no wonder you are a lazy drifting has-been!?!

Put the butter and the marshmallows in the bowl and microwave them. DO not let your microwave fool you into rounding your time. You don’t have to put that in for 1:00 or 2:00, forget that noise. Be original. I went with 37 seconds and then added another 57. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME ROUND NUMBERS! Bam! Melted goo! As a side note, I used miniature marshmallows. I ate a few handfuls, because I am starving. Always keep extra marshmallows on hand in case you are starving or want to make a drunk person or small child do the “chubby bunny” challenge for your amusement. It is fun for the whole family.

Grease up your pan and your implement. NOT THAT implement, you are gross and disgusting and I almost don’t even want to finish this now. Maybe I should have a beer and listen to Body Count…oh wait…I HAVE TO STUDY!

Back to the tea. Discard your Tea bags. I am not going to make a tea bag joke, I am not going to make a tea bag joke, I am not…
How much sugar do you put in iced tea? This depends entirely on what type of family you grew up in. I grew up in one of those families where my dad put a spoonful of sugar on our fruit loops, so I keep the sugar coming…

When your marshmallows are melted like this pour the rice crispies on top and stir until you have a large amount of rice crispies on the counter and spilled all over the floor. Then scream, “I can’t do anything right!” at the top of your lungs and cry until someone in your family helps you clean it up. This approach has never worked for me, but it doesn’t stop me from trying!

My mom bought these for me, and told me she thought they would be fun! Hell yes, Mom, about as much fun as trucker speed when you’ve already had too much coffee! Let’s sugar this bitch up a little more! Stir like three fourths of that bag in. Save the rest of the bag for when you have PMS from hell and large doses of onion rings and Waylon Jennings records just aren’t enough to get you through…

A little word of advice from my rice crispy making guru dad, sprinkle a little water on your hands before you press your mixture down in the pan and then the marshmallow doesn’t stick to you SO much. When I was in 6th grade my dad and I made a stonehenge out of rice crispies! A FREAKING stonehenge! I am pretty sure he doesn’t smoke the pee- oh- tee, BUT it was his idea. I got an A on that history project! Yay DAD! Where were we? Oh Yes, the making of the Maple Syrple. I mean tea. Ice Mother Fucking Tea, Bitch. NO! I HAVE NOT HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR TODAY!

Add water to the tea! When I as in college (the first time) I used to open a jar of marshmallow creme and add 10 pixie sticks and eat that with a spoon while my horrified roommate stared and stared and stared at me..she didn’t come from a “add some sugar to your fruit loops” kind of family. I have always been an innovative person when it came to snacks, I guess!

I made my kid take this picture because my phone was getting a little greasy and marshmallowy, like, ELVIS. My kid is named after a surrealist painter so I guess he couldn’t help but get a little David Lynchian with his photography. There will always be extra rice crispies left over, because the proportions of marshmallow/rice crispy are kept under control by some communist force that I cannot disclose. Let’s just thank Obama and move along…

Tada! That’s how you show a couple of dudes you love them! I should totally write a cookbook. Took under 20 minutes to make and an hour to write about! Peace everyone!

Last night I was in a undisclosed location that had this light switch. I need some cool light switch plates! I need to work on that.

Early this morning, I discovered a hole in my sock. I showed everyone in my family and then yelled “OH DARNIT” in their faces. Even though they understood the joke, everyone groaned. My family is not as fucking funny as I am.

The clouds were especially beautiful on this road trip.

This was a fruit cup I ate on the road trip. My husband bought these. I have no IDEA what kind of fruit I was eating. It gets exotic at that ALDI. Seriously, it tasted like nothing. But chewy. With a faint hint of pineapple.

Oh Decatur! You smell disgusting. But you have two chicken cars on the side of the highway. So I forgive and move on.

Best ending to a day ever. EVER. Beer and a brownie. My favorite combination after studying myosin/actin Sliding Mechanism of Filament Theory. Gah!

My Sister. She made this pinata. From cereal boxes! And she stayed up until 2 a.m. finishing it for my nephew’s birthday. And she says she doesn’t drink or take crystal meth. She throws the best and loudest kid’s parties, ever. Even if they are at 10 a.m. I will be sad if her kids ever grow up.

The Nuge Mobile! I was actually scared to take pictures of this. But Ted was nowhere to be found. I wonder if he has ever shot a zebra?

I am of the opinion that food products taste better when they a.) have hillbillies as a graphic b.)have misspelled text. ON PURPOSE!

When you go to pick up your kid from college, you feel like a dead-beat dad. Just hanging out with your kid, once a month or so. Stopping for slushes and feeding them all their favorite foods. And then when the weekend is over, you take them back to their mother, aka the UNIVERSITY! It’s a great weekend to have custody of an 18 year old! I love going to get my kid, because it is a fun road trip on the back roads of nowhere Illinois. Sometimes, she even likes my jokes.

We made a WEEKEND BUCKET LIST. I wanted to call it the WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S BUCKET LIST. Then I realized my kid has never seen that movie. I am a terrible horrible dead beat parent.

WEEKEND BUCKET LIST:

Watch Weekend at Bernie’s.

Finally put a zipper in and hem that MF’N dress that we started this summer.

Snack shopping. I do love to shop for snacks, and she is running low, because her mother, aka the UNIVERSITY is an awful cook.

More Cowbell. (This goes on every list I ever make. Sometimes, I “eavesdrop” on other people’s lists and I write in “more cowbell” for them, if they forgot.)

Breakfast party with tea and fried eggs. And four pots of coffee for ME!

My Dashboard is always full of toys. It makes it more fun when you are stopped in traffic. Hypothetical traffic. There is no traffic in Illinois.

I stopped to get gas and I used my debit card. After I punched in my pin number, I accidentally hit the “help” button instead of the “enter” button. Because our world is complicated. And you cannot take the “help” button back. A lady screams from the roof, do you need help. And for a minute you answer, “God?” but then you realize it is the lady inside. It is too late. The gas station is full. Everyone knows that you are an idiot. Just like home, only you are on your badass roadtrip, so probably no one will tell your dad you thought the gas station attendant was God. Unless you write it on the internets. Mother fuck.

This little house was on the side of the drive through. I wasn’t sure it was a tiny house, for sure. I thought maybe it was a shed. So I had to do one of my patented 57 point turns because a Prius has tiny wheels and have a look. Some dang whipper snapper in the car behind me was giving me the stink eye. I had to choice but to yell at him. “What?!?! What?!?! I have a blog! Do you have a blog?! No you dont! Because you are UGLY!” It was a mean thing to yell but I don’t regret it. I am going to buy that little house and live in it when I retire. I am going to throw empty Miller Lite cans at every car that drives through the drive through. You need to have goals in life!

This guy in this truck had a lot of pipe. What the hell was he doing with all this pipe?

Socks of the day. I wish I was the kind of person who could match my sox. Or spell sox. I am not. These are my two favorite socks and Friday is my favorite day, so there we go! That sock with the girl and the horse says, “I hate everyone too”” I love that sock. The other one used to be my favorite sock, it has a pig on it. It got 2nd place, after I put the “I hate everyone too” into rotation. Where are the mates of the socks? That is a little personal and I am not sure that either of these sox cares to answer that question!

I bought this John Mellencamp record at the thrift store a few weeks ago, and I’ve spun it a few times. It cost a whopping ten cents. But today, was the first time I ever watched the video on the Youtubes. What follows, is my in-depth review:

Right off the bat, I have a problem, because that is a GRAVEL road, not a dirt road. I am gonna forget about it, though, and I am going to forget that Teddi Jo is spelled with an I in the lyrics, and a Y in the video. Jesus, fact-check much, John? This is especially bad, because Teddi Jo was his wife! His dance skills more than make up for those first two, obvious mistakes. When he became three Johns, I realized that John C Reilly could probably be a stand in, if John Cougar ever needs one. In fact, John C Reilly might be a better John Cougar than John Cougar. I just looked up a recent picture of J to the C to the M, and I don’t wanna talk about it. Ever.

When the two giant steaks show up, and John takes off his shirt, I forgive him for his earlier transgressions. His socks are super white, he must use Tide. Then Teddi dances around in her Guess Jean skirt and I am totally impressed with her epic hair. I think he could have done without the ROPE demonstration, but what the hell? I’ll go with it, because up next is some hula hooping and a side boob. Then some more crazy dancing. Damn, these two should go on Dancing with the Stars. This is for real, maybe the dumbest JCM song ever. Oh look! A HERON!
A slouchy tube sock inside a cowboy boot, really is a great fashion statement! I am gonna have to bring that trend back.

There are giant steaks, and hula hooping in this video. Teddi Jo’s hair is pretty amazing, too. I used to live a few miles away from John Cougar but I never saw him, not once. Then, just like every hula hooping-giant steaks-dancing off a gravel road-event, the cops show up. Fucking cops! They are Illinois cops, too! Just like in Blues Brothers, bad news! Bad Nazi News… They are in the car, they are not in the car, a boat drives by, and I think John gave the cop a few sexual favors to get out of his trespassing charge. The basketball cartoon for no apparent reason adds to the nonsense that is this video!

There is some more dancing and then, wait– wait wait– for it…double arm hula hooping! You may think that double arm hula hooping takes no skills, but I am here to tell you…I have no idea. I only have one hula hoop at my house, so who fucking knows! Lets take a moment to admire Teddi-Teddy’s hair again! They are not going to show her side-boob again, I guess that was a one-time deal. Just as abruptly as this video started it is now over! I have a tear in my eye. That was a beautiful video. A work of Art! Thanks John Cougar Mellencamp!

These are not even my socks! But I am wearing them anyway, it is laundry day …and also… it is Pork Chop dinner day. One of the beautiful things about small town life, is there are plenty of fundraising breakfasts and dinners that you can pick up. If you play your cards right, some days you don’t have to cook at all! Just head to a church, pay your $8 and BAM! Pork Chop dinner! My skin gets a little flame-y when I walk in a church, but that’s okay. It wears off when I get home and listen to a few King Diamond songs. (King Diamond, 21 days…whoohoo!) Happy Thursday everyone!

It’s that time of year again! Spooky time! Last night when I was falling asleep I had a great idea. It was called “Saltine Falcon”. Instead of Millennium Falcon. Instead of the Lego
Millenium Falcon that costs a billion dollars! I pitched the idea to my kid and I don’t think he is into it. But what does he know? I am gonna build one! Long live the SALTINE FALCON!

I have had this damn Menudo song stuck in my head since I first heard it. If you are talking and I am staring off, I am usually singing “girl you got poteeeeential.”, inside my head. Constantly. Unless it leaves for a short time and this one takes over…

Then it usually cycles back to Menudo again! I don’t know what any of this means…

Did you know that Ronnie Milsap was blind? I didn’t know that until my dad told me today. I told him my sunglasses were Ronnie Milsap style. He asked me if I was blind, and I had no idea what he was talking about. And then we looked it up, and sure enough, Ronnie Milsap is totally blind. The funny thing is, my dad had surgery this morning, hates country music, and is still smarter than I am!
Hilarious! Thanks Dad! I didn’t tell him that when I am in a bar and someone asks my name, and I don’t want to give it to them, I tell them my name is Ronnie Milsap!

(Ruining Halloween Decorations, one Anatomy Class at a time, over here!)

I have to post this video, someone worked so hard at it! Plus it has the fancy lyrics on it, so grab a cold one and sing loud so your neighbors can hear! And remember RONNIE MILSAP IS, IN FACT, BLIND!

I am about to go Gemma Teller on this A & P exam! I don’t even know what that means! I am gonna study, make some snacks and stab someone with a fork! YES!

Also, I have my gold socks on today! Because they are gold!

This day didn’t start out wonderful. I could not get the calculations to go right in my lab. And the vacuums weren’t working, so my crazy filter was not working. But I just laid my head down on the lab table thing, and said, “Save me Willie Nelson” and promised myself chocolate donuts and fried foods if I made it out alive! And I did! SO suck on THAT chemistry! You are not the boss of ME! Except, never mind! We are gonna Gemma Teller this bitch named Chemistry and the rest of the week, for that matter!

I love this animal bird thing. I do not know what it is. I love it, and I am pretty sure it smokes weed when I am not around.

Enough of that, I am gonna Roger Miller my way outta here, and get back to the studying of the Calcium and the Blood and the HOMEOSTASIS…

I had a dream last night that Robert Smith died. I hate Robert Smith, and I hate the Cure. The Cure never cured anything. Ennui. Cigarettes. Blaaaaaaah! Not my thing. But I have many dear friends that LOVE the Cure. Maybe as much as I love Manowar. There are no Brothers in Cure, and no one ever, ever says “other bands play..the Cure kills.” Maybe the Cure makes you have less friends and wear pointy toed shoes. I don’t know. The dream bothered me, because when I woke up, I truly believed that Robert Smith had died…and the first thing that popped into my head was, “choose your words carefully.” I guess that meant I shouldn’t write offensive things about Robert Smith or his craptacular band. GOOD NEWS, I checked with the internet, and Fat Bob is still alive and kicking! Well, he is alive. Maybe he’s kicking. I wanna kick him. So I can continue on with the making fun of Robert Smith as long as he lives another day. Which he will. Just to spite me.