Heavily Armed School No Match For Grizzly Bears

Waptuk, WY—Hugh Glass Elementary School was attacked by bears today. Despite having enough guns to arm every student on campus, the inexperienced bear fighters were still no match for the ursine horde.

Early Wednesday morning, vice principal Chad Martindale received warning from one of the local Wuptuki tribe. The tribal messenger, a woman by the name of Three Ducks, told Martindale she had intercepted a message that was ursine in nature, one that had been passing through the forest telepathically between bears. The message: Attack on elementary school 10:15 a.m. sharp. The exact time of their morning recess. Martindale knew this could not be a coincidence, and he took all the necessary precautions.

Staff went room to room handing students loaded shotguns with heavy rounds designed to kill a bear upon impact. The faculty and students believed this would be another normal bear drill despite Three Ducks’ warning that what the bears had planned this time was much worse than any of them could have anticipated.

“We were ready for three or four,” Martindale said, “not thousands.” At the designated time, the bears descended upon the school in such a large mass that the sound of the claws tearing up earth was louder than the guns firing into the impending bear storm. Though a few bears were picked off, most shrugged off their injuries and lunged forward to kill. The school staff and students realized quickly that they were outmatched, so the survivors closed themselves up inside the gym.

They remain there as local authorities struggle with a way to evacuate the bears from the area. “Pray for our children,” Martindale said during a phone interview from inside.

Trump’s Education Nominee, Betsy DeVos stated recently that guns may be needed in schools to kill grizzly bears. She has since admitted that she was wrong. “What they really need is turrets, minefields, rocket launchers, an army of snipers, and airstrike capabilities,” said DeVos, “I intend to make that a reality.”

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