Rapture Ready

And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man. Revelation 9:5

End of Times kicks off tomorrow at 6 p.m. local time.

Are you prepared? My suggestion — get your freak on until about 5 p.m. tomorrow, leaving you one hour to apologize to God, thereby punching your ticket to salvation. In the event you fail to wake up from a 17 hour bender fuelled by booze, debauchery and fornication, expect a long line-up at the registration gates of Hell.

Let me give you a tip for when checking in to eternal damnation. Try to pick a short line. Nothing’s worse than a ten thousand year wait with a billion backlogged sinners.

I suggest you look for the Lawyer line. Yes, they are all going to Hell, however there are relatively few of them compared to Bigots, Liars, Cheaters, Greedy Assholes, Homophobes and Evangelicals. The latter six groups will have the longest lines despite there being HUGE overlap in the categories. Caution on the Lawyer line though, you’ll receive a bill of about $7000 for services rendered four weeks after admission. Satan loves irony.

Wanna save $7000? Though the line will be really long, Commercial Radio Fans will move quite quickly because the sound system in Hell plays Nickelback in perpetuity and the folks in this line will be so eager to get in that they’ll run through the gates like so many tone deaf Tweens busting into Britney Spears show.

Nazis and both Right and Left Wing Extremists will be combined in one line. The line will be average in length but it should be a lot of fun! People firmly rooted in ideology void of logic and common sense always provide belly laughs.

There’s a rumour going around that the Atheist/Agnostic line will be really short, but don’t fall for the ploy! If you give up your position in whatever line you land in (based on the initial living assessment filed by FAAC*) to seek out the Atheist/Agnostic line, you will discover it does not exist. Your wayfaring will put you at the back of your original line adding several hundreds of years to your wait.

It’s so unfortunate. We’ve had ample time to prepare for this, yet I expect the worst. Far too many of you don’t believe in fairy tales and unicorns and that lack of faith is gonna make this a damned long process.