Thursday, December 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. says it will normalize relations with Cuba. Which sounds about as significant as if Bill and Hillary Clinton were to reaffirm their wedding vows.

The U.S. says it will normalize relations with Cuba. With their poverty, lack of education and environmental issues it will be just like we are getting another Alabama.

The U.S. says it will normalize relations with Cuba. It could be a real boost to the tourism trade. In fact, the island nation has already ordered thousands of barrels, discarded truck tires and wood planks to start building ships for the Cuban cruise line industry.

U.S. officials say they can tie the Sony hack to North Korea. What are the odds that the two people with Internet access in North Korea were able to get lucky enough to break into Sony’s computers?

U.S. officials say they can tie the Sony hack to North Korea. Apparently it was in retaliation for a movie where the U.S. government hires people to kill Kim Jong-un. It’s just a good thing that the movie didn’t involve a plot line to embarrass the Korean leader even more, like having him as a guest on Bill O’Reilly’s show.

A report says the wealth gap between the middle and upper class in the U.S. is at its widest on record. Apparently it broke the old mark which was set the day before, and the day before, and the day before...

Reporters for Time magazine have been warned to boost reader “traffic” with their articles or they could be fired. Which may have something to do with the new investigative series just announced about videos of cats playing the piano and hamsters eating crackers.

A California medical marijuana dispensary has removed a window picture of Santa smoking pot. Apparently some local community members thought the message was a little too blunt.

A California medical marijuana dispensary has removed a window picture of Santa smoking pot. The store owners have decided to go with something a little more subtle, like Santa giggling uncontrollably while eating three pizzas.

Several movie theater chains have dropped Sony’s movie “The Interview” because of threats from hackers over the controversial film. The only question is if movie theaters were really concerned about their customers, why did they ever show “Grownups 2”?

California will start issuing driver’s licenses to undocumented immigrants for the first time since 1993. Apparently state officials are asking why immigrants should get away without having to waste hours at a time suffering in line at the DMV like the rest of us.

Researchers say that three prisoners who made a daring escape from Alcatraz in 1962 could possibly have survived the attempt. The worst part for prison officials is they finally discovered the inmates were missing just last week.

Researchers say that three prisoners who made a daring escape from Alcatraz in 1962 could possibly have survived the attempt. In fact, they suspect the inmates made it to Cuba where they have made a fortune as consultants for the island’s shipping industry.

Russia’s state-run TV has advised people against drinking with Asians on New Year’s Eve because of what they call a “genetic defect” that allows alcohol to harm their health. Which political experts say was actually more of a veiled challenge by Vladimir Putin that he can drink Kim Jong-un under the table any day.

Authorities shot and killed the first cougar seen in Kentucky since the Civil War. The only sighting in the state since the War Between the States that has been any more rare is anyone actually reporting catching a glimpse of a Democrat.

Nine western governments are urging Kenya to respect human rights. The Kenyan government says if they treated their people well, the country would lose the reason that so many Kenyans become world class runners.

A Toronto man was able to find a woman who had the same name as his former girlfriend who can take a free trip around the world with him. To which millions of other men have come up with the same offer, saying they will give a free travel ticket to anyone who has the name Jennifer Aniston.

The Belarus government has tightened control of their online media. Which is bad news for the three people of Belarus who actually have Internet access.

A survey says that 57% of Americans are planning to work over the Christmas holiday. Mostly because 7-Eleven, McDonald’s and Wal-Mart are all open and have called them in for their regular shifts.

A survey says that 57% of Americans are planning to work over the Christmas holiday. The other 43% will not work over the holiday and will sit at home like they have every other day since they lost their jobs in 2008.

A Pac-Man themed restaurant will open next year in Chicago. Which will apparently cater to a clientele of single men over 40 who actually know what Pac-Man is.

A Pac-Man themed restaurant will open next year in Chicago. Which is scary to think that our children will be endangering their lives doing the same thing in their 40s when a nostalgic restaurant opens that is based on “Grand Theft Auto.”

The government has filed a lawsuit against U.S. Bank and Bank of America over mortgage securities. If they lose the lawsuit, the two banks will say they don’t have any money and will ask the government to just let them pay up with another bailout.

A report says that car theft in the U.S. has dropped 58% since 1991. Mostly because who wants to go from stealing muscle cars like Trans Ams and GTOs down to taking a joyride in a Prius?

A report says that car theft in the U.S. has dropped 58% since 1991. Mostly because the thieves find it such a hassle to steal a car and instead of dismantling it for parts have to spend all their time taking it into the shop for the latest recalls.

A survey says that half of employers are planning on giving signing bonuses to new employees graduating in 2015. The bad news is that the bonus is pretty much a monthly bus pass so they can’t use their 1995 Kia as an excuse to not come into work.

A survey says that half of employers are planning on giving signing bonuses to new employees graduating in 2015. The most promising workers will be given all the Slim Jims they can eat off the shelf when they are done sweeping out the 7-Eleven.

New York has banned energy companies from fracking. Which caused some confusion as most people in the Bronx think that fracking is just a substitute for a swear word.

General Mills will start selling cereals based on ancient grains. Which are not to be confused with the boxes of Grape Nuts that have been sitting untouched on store shelves since 1963.

Avon has settled foreign bribery allegations with the Department of Justice. Apparently they were offering money to other countries to tell their women that if they used anything other than Avon products they would end up looking like Lady Gaga.

Dish Network will start including a Netflix app on their TV boxes. Apparently the idea is to allow their customers to view older programming available online while they are searching around the other 500 channels for something worth watching.

A study says that children’s cartoons are rife with death and murder. The most shocking example was when SpongeBob SquarePants was killed and used by Proctor & Gamble as a promotion to demonstrate how their dishwashing soaps could really clean plates.

A study says that people lose weight just through the process of breathing. Which is ironic in that most of them wouldn’t have so much extra weight to lose if they didn’t inhale all their food.

A study has come up with the reason why some depressants make people feel worse before they start to feel better. It’s mostly when they start taking the medication and get their first prescription bill from the pharmacy.

A report says that garbled phone texts could be a sign of a person having a stroke. Or a sign that you are getting a text from your teenager which has slang, abbreviations and acronyms you have no idea how to translate.

A study says that mixing energy drinks with alcohol can increase the chances of someone driving drunk. Mostly because drinking anything along with alcohol can increase the chances of driving drunk.

A study says that law enforcement is the profession with the highest rate of obesity. Which is why anyone looking for a cop will always run into a Dunkin’ Donuts before they start looking for the closest Whole Foods.

The FDA is going to start requiring chain restaurants to post the calories in their alcoholic drinks. Although most people at chain restaurants are drinking so they don’t think about the number of calories in just the appetizers they have eaten before the main course arrives.

The FDA is going to start requiring chain restaurants to post the calories in their alcoholic drinks. What they should start posting is the blood alcohol level each drink will put them at so people can get an idea what they will blow when they are pulled over for DUI.

The U.N. says that 5 Million kids are out of school because of Ebola. Officials say it’s the only reason ever given for 5 Million kids to miss school other than living in Alabama.

A majority of doctors for the first time support aid in dying. Apparently they see that as a better plan than being forced to take the lowered payments offered by insurance policies through Obamacare, Medicare and Medicaid.

A survey says that 54% of doctors support aid in dying. The other 46% figure they can still milk the system by giving terminally ill patients more drugs and keeping them on life support a few more months.

A study says that expectant fathers go through hormonal changes. Especially after changing their first diaper and their body shuts down all sperm production as a survival instinct to keep from having to ever go through that again.

A study says that belly fat is tied to sudden cardiac death. Which is ironic in that the more belly fat a person has, the less they are inclined to do anything suddenly.

The U.S. says it is closer to formally blaming North Korea for the Sony hacking. Apparently it all started when Dennis Rodman showed Kim Jong-un how to play “Grand Theft Auto V” on an Xbox.

The Backstreet Boys are preparing to release a documentary about the band. Apparently it shows how their teamwork with the group has helped them later in life. In fact, they still coordinate their efforts as one takes orders, another cooks the food, and the other two wash and dry the dishes.

Film Critic Richard Roeper slammed Sony for pulling the film “The Interview” from theaters because of threats from hackers. The move pretty much kills any plans for studios that were thinking about making a film about a Nigerian prince.

Film Critic Richard Roeper slammed Sony for pulling the film “The Interview” from theaters because of threats from hackers. Apparently the movie company was worried that if terrorists blew up all the theaters showing a Seth Rogen movie, as many as five people could be hurt.

Experts say the thaw in U.S. and Cuban relations could change Major League Baseball. For one thing, teams would not be so much concerned about who they pick up in the draft as much as who they can pick up coming off the raft.

A report says that 5% of Cubans have access to the global Internet. Which means they will be right at home when they are allowed to travel to the U.S. and log on to AOL.

18,000 tons of concrete will be placed into the Gulf of Mexico to protect the reef system. It will be the most concrete ever dumped into a body of water other than the cement dropped into the East River which was also attached to someone’s feet.

Hillary Clinton says the U.S. should never condone or practice torture anywhere in the world. To which Bill Clinton is in agreement with, especially if it is considered torture to throw all the good dishes at a spouse.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only a week left until Christmas. Which means another month until the shopping bills arrive and another three years to pay them all off. Although one way to save money on the gift you are sending this way for the holidays is to just remember to send the love!