The Story of the Crucifixion (As Told by the Privileged and Powerful)

A man was arrested by authorities, sent to trial, and sentenced to death—his name was Jesus. Many claim he’s an innocent man, but the facts speak for themselves:

Jesus was a thug, a homeless wanderer prone to substance abuse (he had a prior record of producing wine). Jesus caused riots wherever he went. He was a gangbanger with a long history of crime, but that’s not surprising considering his upbringing.

Jesus was inherently violent and a danger to society. Even though he spoke eloquently, given his status, how could anybody take his message seriously as long as he continued to protest and use disruptive methods like overturning tables and disturbing the peace?

Besides, people like Jesus are naturally lazy. Don’t they have better things to do, like get a job and work? I wish I had time to rest, “pray,” and hang out in gardens. If only they worked harder, then they could succeed. Talk of oppression and injustice is just an excuse for bad behavior. I personally know of many Jewish people, like Jesus, but who are successful. In fact, one of my best friends is Jewish, and he agrees that race and systemic oppression aren’t issues.

All that talk of oppression? People need to stop living in the past and come to grips with reality. You can’t use history as an excuse for everything, forever. There is such a thing as personal responsibility. Everyone’s family lineage has a history of pain, suffering and loss; the rest of the world overcame these obstacles, so why can’t you?

I wish I had time to rest, “pray,” and hang out in gardens.

The Romans raised taxes on me last year, so I know what it’s like living under authoritarian rule. But you don’t see me going around and instigating fights, complaining, and demanding that people worship someone other than Caesar, do you?

I’m being racist? I’m not racist. How could I be? I have many friends who are minorities, and I would never judge people by their race, ethnicity, or skin color. It doesn’t matter that Jesus was Jewish, because I see all humans as the same and treat everyone equally. I hate it when people pull out the race card. Why does it always have to be about race? Can’t people just admit that Jesus broke the law and did something wrong? The authorities were following protocol. They didn’t do anything illegal, and despite the liberal agenda being pushed by the media, political radicals, and religious fanatics, the soldiers did everything by the book.

If Jesus had done what the soldiers asked instead of trying to resist, perhaps things would have ended better for him. Most Roman soldiers are good people, and although there are a few “bad apples,” they do a decent job of keeping the peace. They have stressful responsibilities, constantly serving our communities, and putting their lives in danger, so why does Jesus think he can just do whatever he wants and not obey their commands? Roman soldiers’ lives matter, too!

We live in a post-oppression era, blessed to have the best justice system in the entire world, and our society is the most civilized in existence. I wish people would stop complaining about the authorities—we may not be perfect, but ours is the most democratic of any empire. And if you don’t like it you can go live with the Barbarians.

Also, if you’re in the Garden of Gethsemane during that hour of the day, you’re obviously up to no good. Jesus was practically a terrorist. He was caught with an armed party that would like nothing more than to commit crimes and kill innocent people.

So those claiming Jesus was innocent didn’t see all of the evidence. Were they there? Did they attend the trial? No? Exactly. Let’s give the law the benefit of the doubt instead of buying into these rumors and conspiracy theories being spread by Jesus’ friends.

I know it’s hard for some people to admit, but the Romans did the right thing. Jesus was guilty and deserved to die. The way I see it, justice was served.

Stephen Mattson is a graduate of Moody Bible Institute and is currently on staff at the University of Northwestern, St. Paul. You can follow him on Twitter @mikta.

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