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A few random thoughts before I go to bed

I'm posting from my phone, so this will be quick, I promise.

- Today was an amazing day food wise. I didn't binge or do any of that insane save my calories until late at night BS. I paced my meals throughout the day. And get this, I ate when I was HUNGRY rather than when I had preplanned when I could. I know I probably ate less than recommended, and to be honest I don't know what is the actual recommended amount for me since everywhere says something else. But I feel like I did pretty good today, so I'm happy for me.

-My Math professor sent out an email stating that the report which was due Thursday was going to be moved back a week. There was some confusion on the deadline since she had stated two different dates on different places. But since she said it was her mistake, she's giving us the extra week. YES! I didn't read the email until I had spent a few hours in the library studying for the report. So now I have an extra week, AND a lot of the work out of the way!

- I'm really really trying to be okay with my body. It's really hard, as I'm sure many of you can relate. But I'm trying to just accept my body. My body is changing, and I want to be okay with it. I'm not okay with it, but I'm trying to be.

-My depression is so prevalent lately. It's a totally new kind of depression than I'm used to though. Ive been depressed before, but this is different than I've experienced. Lately I'm just not a part of this world. I feel so distant from everything going on around me. I go to class and pass people in the hallways, and they don't exist. Nothing exists really. I'm just a bubble walking from point A to B. It's so weird and I don't know how to explain it. In a way I guess I'm just blocking out all of my thoughts and emotions, and in doing that I'm blocking the world out.

-I'm also having an extremely difficult time dealing with Jesse's death and the accident. I don't understand it, it was 5 years ago, I should be close to the end of this grieving process. But it has been hitting me with a ton of bricks every day lately. That's the one thing I can't block out. I break down and cry every time I think about it, which is daily now. Lately its been in the car, because its just me and my thoughts there. It's not just Jesse's death; it was the entire event, just the way it took place. And then the months following it. Those were very painful months for me, and I wish I could tell people why because sometimes I feel like just being able to express it my pain to someone would help relieve it just a little. But it still hurts. And right now it hurts a lot.

This post wasn't meant to be emotional for me, it was supposed to be a quick rundown of my thought. But that last one is really getting me right now. And I just want to go to bed because I can't deal with my emotions at the moment.

3 comments:

congrats on having a successful food day. and if you ever need to hold off your eating until later in the day, don't feel bad about that. i do it, happily, to manage my bulimic tendencies. the longer that i put off my huge meal, the more that i appreciate it. dinner for me is normally anywhere between 10 and 1.