There’s Something Wrong with my Brain

Asked by spaghettios on 2019-03-30 with 1 answer:

From a teen girl in the U.S.: I haven’t been able to interact with people normally at any point in my life. When I was in elementary school I was extremely aggressive and prone to tantrums far past the age where that behavior is normal. This behavior continued into jr high and high school. My tantrums went from scratching my arms up and screaming to punching myself, banging my head on walls, hitting myself in the face, biting my arms and making non human sounds. I’ve never had control of these outbursts. They’re almost always triggered by other people, especially if I’m cornered or they stand to close to me. They’re embarrassing, I have no control over them, I’m an adult woman, I don’t want to have temper tantrums like a 5 year old.

In addition to this I have no conversation or people skills. Often times when people try to talk to me I feel like I’m not fully there and no matter how hard I try I can’t have a normal conversation and it’s mostly “umm” and uhh”. I’ve never had an actual friendship in real life. I have internet friends but I usually lose interest in talking to them after a while. The only person I genuinely enjoy being around is my boyfriend. I met him on the internet and I’ve met him once in real life. He’s the only person I’m comfortable touching me or being near me.

It feels like I’m trapped in my own brain. I’m stuck living with my mother because I don’t even have a high school diploma. I’ve never had a job, I doubt I could hold one. The last time I was in school I was 15 and even then I wasn’t able to stop myself from acting aggressive and I wasn’t able to speak to other children normally.

I hate living like this. I don’t know wha’s wrong with me. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ptsd before but none of those would cause me to act like this. But these diagnoses are based on therapists, psychs and social workers I saw for less than 6 months. I always discontinue therapy shortly after I start because I start to hate whoever is performing it and I don’t want to melt down or attack a therapist and get sent to prison or the hospital.

I’m very glad you wrote to us. You have suffered with this long enough. You know that. You also know that 6 months of treatment isn’t going to be enough to get to the bottom of whatever is troubling you.

Here’s what you can do differently: Go back to the therapist you felt most comfortable with. Take your letter with you to show her. Chances are the therapist didn’t understand the depth of your problems because you were too afraid to talk about it. As a result, you probably weren’t accurately diagnosed. An accurate diagnosis is essential to getting good treatment.

You are right to be concerned about yourself. You are also absolutely right to want a normal life. The place to start is with an honest talk with the person who can help you.