The £10m tongue and the $1bn bum

Tuesday 10 March 2009 11:25 BST

Does my bum look dear in this? J-Lo’s billion-dollar rear

Nice to see that some sectors of the financial community retain a sense of humour. This week it was announced that Lloyd's of London has insured the tongue of one Gennaro Pellicia, chief taster of Costa Coffee, for £10 million.

Mr Pellicia must be very proud. His tongue is worth 40 times more than Egon Ronay's, who insured his sense of taste for a paltry £250,000 in 1993. It's also worth roughly two-thirds of one of Michael Flatley's legs (£25 million the pair) or one-tenth of David Beckham (whose whole body is insured for £100 million, but whose tongue is probably his least lucrative part).

Indeed, for the cost of Mr Pellicia's tongue alone, you could put together a Frankenstein's Monster of insured celebrity body parts, including Ken Dodd's teeth (£4 million), Keith Richards's fingers (£1 million), Dolly Parton's breasts (£650,000) and Heidi Klum's pins (£1.15 million). You could probably get Timmy Mallett's head and torso for spare change. Ugh, I've now got a rather nauseating image in my head.

The point about these stories, in which the famous are sized up by insurers in much the same way as a cow is costed by a butcher, is to provide a bit of PR for both parties and the rest of us with a giggle. It arguably all began in the silent movie era, when vaudeville hucksters, well versed in publicity stunts, advised the cross-eyed clown Ben Turpin to insure himself against ever seeing straight.

The stunt was later refined when forces' pin-up Betty Grable had her legs insured for £500,000 (each). It was probably easier to draw attention to Ms Grable's million-dollar gams than to Turpin's wonky peepers.

We never know, of course, the exact terms of each policy. Mariah Carey's legs were insured in 2006 - thanks to her participation in Gillette's "Legs of a Goddess" campaign - for a boggling $1bn. For that amount, one would hope she's covered for fire, theft, third party and acts of God. J-Lo's derrière is said to be worth the same amount.

The relatively low value of Ms Parton's breasts, meanwhile, is probably based on the assumption that they are indestructible, and may not only outlive her, but go on to a prosperous solo (or should that be duo) career after her demise. There is also presumably a clause in Mr Pellicia's policy rendering it void if he ever knowingly eats a McDonald's apple pie, the filling of which is hotter than the surface of the sun, and could do irreparable damage to his taste buds.

Similarly, one never hears of anyone making a claim on these policies. I wonder whether Ant ever contemplates bumping off Dec to collect on the £1 million each of them is insured for, as half of a double act. Or whether the late Cyd Charisse, once the film roles dried up, thought of hiring someone (Tonya Harding, perhaps) to hobble her, so she could cash in the $1 million value of her lower limbs. Mind you, legally speaking, she probably wouldn't have had a leg to stand on.