Jim Keoghan is the man behind ‘Highs, Lows and Bakayokos: Everton in the 1990s’. The book remembers those brushes with relegation, financial ups and downs, stunning derby wins over Liverpool and the FA Cup in 95′.

In this video, Jim lifts the lid on how and why Everton lost their position as a member of English football’s elite. Former manager Mike Walker gets a mention, and Jim explains why the players didn’t like him, and therefore, why he goes down as Everton’s worst manager ever.

We analyse the current mindset of Evertonians’ and why we’re now defined more by what we’re not than what we are. Jim also relives that amazing day in 1994 when Everton survived to fight another day in the Premier League with a stunning 3-2 win over Wimbledon at Goodison.

Our weekend ruining specialists crushed enthusiasm with a really desolate away dipping at Bournemouth. So with that in mind what better way to start your next weekend than a dose of Everton under the floodlights versus a team they should beat but probably won’t?

You got that Friday feeling yet?

Maybe it’s the mindset a lot of us share that doesn’t help when, at the first sign of setback, we instantly bolt for the protective shelter of pessimism and scorn? For there’s the hope that this time it’s different, just as all those times have been different for the past 30 years.

I was going to pack this short preview full of Friday night analogies like your bird throwing up all over your Yves Saint Laurent shirt in only the second bar, or getting blindsided by a group of mentally unsettled tramps and being sent straight for the Royal Liverpool Hospital. But I’ll spare you it because it’s not like Everton play that much on Fridays is it? Maybe the potent combination of weekend enthusiasm, ale and Everton under the floodlights is the secret ingredient we’ve been missing all this time? Our new found recipe will prove the accelerant and before you know it we’re singing songs that our kids will be singing about players we’ll never forget.

There’s that misplaced hope again, can’t help it.

There’s little point in over analysing Bournemouth as it was simply a shitshow from start to finish with everyone involved guilty of being utter tripe. Hot on the tails of Norwich reserves putting us out of the cup one can only hope it’s been used as essential learning experience from Koeman who is not long from having a mandate to use just a squad of 15 players and lash the rest up for sale in January.

So we welcome Crystal Palace to Goodison on Friday, presumably desperate to put one over us for ripping off their fantastic Bolasie song without paying our dues. Hang on, didn’t they rip it off Bristol City prior? Nothing like receiving hand me downs such as a bobbled Gallini top in 1988.

Not much to say about Palace because they’re the acceptable face of football in London, with their sense of tradition and parochial working class support who almost to a fan are sound to engage in togger chat with – any absolute rarity in the modern game. No misplaced sense of superiority, a marginalised bellwhiff element and only a big of ultra behaviour in the chanting stakes to maybe cause concern. If they built them all like Crystal Palace then football will be a bit more palatable.

So Alan Pardew then. What a slobbering pisspig of a human. He’s a bigger texan than anything spitting in a bucket and calling itself Hank. A middle manager beaut who carries his business cards in a business card holder and abbreviates everything. Why can’t everyone see it? Why can’t the bosses see it? How can a repugnant human such as he earn one shilling more than any other human? Why isn’t everyone lining up to jump all over his head every single week in public? Why those glasses you throbbing bellcheese? How can any other human copulate with the utter danger? His DNA must be eradicated. Send back John Connor to decapitate him, right after he’s scored against Racing Bigstand in the 91 cup semi final though, the Harry and the Hendersons looking flute.

We’ve not forgot about thinking you was all that with West Ham and Newcastle looking down your Tudor nose at little old Everton tithead.

Ledley – your face has gone through puberty, well in shithead, your glutes are made of marzipan though.

Cabaye – ace wee shithouse whose agent defo took a bung to move to Palace, he must refresh the Telegraph on a hourly basis at the moment.

McArthur – the most Glaswegian looking man in the world. Vomiting in the DJ’s box while demanding 500 miles on for the fifth time in an hour in the Highlander bar in Tenerife.

Tomkins – signed for Crystal Palace from Gorillaz music videos, presumably.

Mandanda – summer signing from Marseille, the zany goalkeeper type who ships four through his hands against Sunderland but has a scorcher v Everton.

St Domingo’s Weekend Club For Boys then.

The first bit of pressure on Koeman other than a head which resembles discarded overinflated casey that is caving in on itself as winter approaches in the far reaches of a childless garden.

Lukaku will play up front and hope he wasn’t as isolated/ineffective as he was against Bournemouth. I’m not sure what to type about Ross Barkley but it’s typical that we have a player who has literally all the attributes to piss most teams but seems to have some mental block at doing it on a pitch. Can’t we give Uri Geller a chance with him? That position will see someone signed for it before too long.

Bolasie faces his old club and it will be interesting to see if it’s one of the games he turns up for. A marmite performing player if you’ve ever seen one. Massively impressed by his balls into the box though. Mirallas has showed early season promise without setting any particular game alight. Deulofeu has a touch of the Barklies about him last game or two out, so there’s a position or two wide open if someone wants to step forward and put a run of form together. It’s a vital cog in the Koeman machine out there so if not then January is rolling round by the week.

Barry was carrying a knock and it was easy to see, not sure if he’s fit for this but hope so. Beautiful Gana Gueye next to him, if not then presumably James McCarthy as Tom Cleverley influences a football game in abstract ways I’m yet to work out. In my midst of my Barryless anxiety I wouldn’t mind Tom Davies getting a game if need be.

You know the back four, it got a bit of a chasing for the first half an hour v Bournemouth as they turned Everton around too easily with sharp balls through the channels. Baines is still injured I think, so I don’t know what the answer is as either Oviedo or Funes Mori aint gonna make you proud too often there. Stekelenburg in goal.

Annoyingly this game precedes a fortnight break for another ill timed international break. Our first game after that is Pep Guardiola’s Media Globetrotters which will be no easy feat. Three defeats on the bounce wouldn’t wreck the good ship Everton but it could leave us somewhat isolated. Here’s to a happier weekend with someone to depend on.

EVERTON have signed some gems in their time, but has any new signing sparkled quite so brightly as Idrissa Gana Gueye?

The Senegal midfielder was hardly the headline-grabbing star most Toffees wanted when he signed from relegated Aston Villa for just £7m.

After what many felt was a disappointing end to the transfer window, some even questioned the judgement of Steve Walsh, brought in from Leicester to oversee the club’s strategy.

But he seems to have got at least one thing right in signing Gueye, who has since earned almost universal praise and quickly become a fan favourite.

Jamie Carragher tipped him as the signing of the summer, Paul Ince insisted he is already “a better player than N’Golo Kante”, and Ronald Koeman claimed “he will become maybe the best in the Premier League” in his position.

It’s easy to see why. Gueye has been just what the doctor ordered for the Blues, snapping into tackles, covering every blade of grass and even showing surprisingly good ability on the ball.

He’s barely put a foot wrong, something some Villa fans have found hard to believe after claims he made too many costly mistakes last season and that his tackling and interception stats overrate him.

Walsh, of course, wanted him at Leicester, and recognised he was just what Everton needed.

Roberto Martinez fashioned a side which dazzled at times. But it’s softness and it’s maddening ability to capitulate under pressure were legendary.

This weekend Everton play Bournemouth at the Vitality Stadium, where all those faults were glaringly evident last season as they twice blew a lead to draw 3-3 after allowing an equaliser in the eighth minute of stoppage time.

It’s probably safe to say that is unlikely to happen again. Koeman himself is a major reason for that of course, and so is Ashley Williams. But so, emphatically, is Gueye.

He has happier memories of the place too after helping Villa to a 1-0 win there on his debut last August. Only one other player had more touches in that match.

Tom Cleverley first got a glimpse of Gueye when he helped Senegal kick lumps out of Stuart Pearce’s Great Britain team at the London Olympics. He’s likely to see a lot more of Gueye from the bench this season.

But by the time the pair faced each other back then at Old Trafford in 2012, Gueye had already made a name for himself by helping unfancied Lille win a famous league and cup double in France.

In October 2014 he played for them against the Blues in a 0-0 draw in the Europa League, and again in a 3-0 defeat at Goodison that November.

A year later he started for Villa in their 4-0 defeat there, coming off at half time, so his memories of the place before he joined were not exactly joyful. How times change.

Recognising his contribution so far, Koeman was gushing in his praise of Gueye recently, saying: “Of course he wins a lot of second balls, he wins a lot of tackles, but the boy showed his composure in midfield.

“He played the ball left, right, always tried to play the ball forward. It’s a fantastic signing for the club and I hope we keep him for a long time.”

Evertonians everywhere will surely second that. Gueye was born in Dakar, birthplace of the legendary rally, an endurance race in which competitors have to cross dunes, mud, rocks and desert, covering vast distances every day. That somehow seems very appropriate for a player who has not stopped covering every blade of grass since his arrival at Goodison.

Time will tell if Carragher ends up being proved right, but Everton certainly seem to have made one of the signings of the season so far.

Course you do. Only a Red doesn’t know. That’s why the midweek shitshow is gone, a mere blip in the unstoppable rise to world dominance. OK, I’ll take just being competitive again, winning something and maybe even turning up at Anfield.

Everton being Everton went and shitted the easiest game of the lot so far this season and turned their nose up at winning their easiest chance of a cup this season, in a competition they have never won. You’d have to be on higher doses of mirtazapine to not get a twitch of disappointment at that. Or maybe you’re just Everton hardened after all the years.

Or perhaps you just put things in context and we’re sat second in the league with an away game to Jack Wilshire’s Bournemouth and a home game v Crystal Palace before another international break gives us two weeks to mull it over before facing, boy oh boy, the team who will be either first or second to us when they we return.

EV-ER-TON.

Seriously though there’s an increasing mandate to start the same players every game and to have a serious clear out in transfer windows not too far from now.

Did you clap Naismith? I’m not going there, but you’re a weird bunch, both sides like.

So a trip to the southern of all coasts on this island many of you home, to face the designated jarg Spurs of modern soccer. Plenty of plaudits for Bournemouth as long as they protect their valued plucky trump card. Rather inevitably they’ll find that familiarity is the curse of many a team looking to establish themselves amongst the bourgeoisie of Premier League togger. The pundits will soon be sucking you in a-spitting you out.

Not much to dislike about Bournemouth which makes for yet another dull preview. They’re a team on a budget who play it tight amongst a mostly local partisan crowd. There was a lack of egos until recent signings and Eddie Howe is not only a gentleman but apparently a blue to boot. My own minor criticism – if you permit me – is that he’s like the lad on the block who’s last to find ecstasy and then just sits in the kitchen all night with a stupid big annoying gurn on until he learns how to handle sledging. That apart though he’s sound enough. A rarity in the Premier League.

The good folk of Bournemouth are unobtrusive enough although it is noted that there is a bit of Crystal Palace trying a little bit too hard to be fun-ultras but again it’s not the end of the world. Also needs to be on the record that when many scousers flocked south to escape the Thatcher days that loads settled in Bournemouth and the local community tried to apply a stigma to Merseyside folk as you’d imagine racist small town Kent slugs apply to anyone unfortunate enough to be foreign around there.

Bournemouth you semi detached comfortable urban living Tory ferrets with a massive beach, you’re gonna pay for this. State of your kids brought up in absolute comfort trying to act all dead edgy too. Put them in Kirkdale for a month life swap and see how they get on. Get onto your grasping for the Antiques Roadshow to come to town like some Theresa May endorsing cads. Like any of you care one jot of the bombs being dropped on kids in Aleppo you sick bastards. As long as none of them make to your local Waitrose and make you double check you’ve put the alarm on your 4X4s.

In fact do one Bournemouth the detestable bellends, they need to be crushed by the royal blue keep-it-down-or-you’ll-jinx-us-into-being-dump-again juggernaut.

Who they got playing for them?

Stanislas – I know he scored against us last year but if you are playing someone in the top flight and Stanislas is playing for them then it’s a like opposite of a blue flag award, like they give for beaches, more like a brown flag award for being really really [Poor language removed] and if you don’t gub them then you’re likely to be dead upset going home. Which is an awful long way from Bournemouth.

Arter – same as above but he’s like a Romanian boyband pin up that if he lurks too long round a cashpoint makes you pretend you forgot your card and to detour to an ATM in a much different postcode.

Wilshere – I have a deep rooted dislike of him being the very epitome of a southern bell. The kind of no life experience texan who says stuff that is controversial and has “gravita”. Pyrofoam jointed pissy passer who the southern media couldn’t wait to crawl up the arse of and I hope he ends up in a flat fifty years from now with the fire brigade volleying the door in because the neighbours complained of the smell but the seven cats he kept for company have ate half his face. The fraud. Hurt him Barry, someone, anyone.

Ibe – wow. There Bournemouth was in the 80s complaining of scousers potentially robbing them and they go and willingly give up fifteen million pounds to Liverpool for Jordan Ibe. Nailed on to “Stuart Slater” us now, obvs.

Smith/Cook/Francis – they all look the same, nondescript beauts with beards and Toni & Guy haircuts. Get to drink a bottle of Bud though lad. Yeah because they just charged you thirty nicker, in 1997, you bulb.

Boruc – you accept Poles but not scousers? Shithouses.

Which leads us onto “but how did they vote in the referendum”? Do I have to break it to you? Really? If only the Nazis didn’t make it across the channel all them years ago and razed the entire place.

Only messing Bournemouth, you’re alright. Long may you bloody the nose of the assorted bells in the Premier League who think they have a divine right to beat you. Including us if you want it, we’re utterly gagging for it.

So, Everton.

Lukaku missed out midweek and we lost which could be purely coincidental or a worry every time he doesn’t jump instantly back up from a challenge. He hurt his toe against Boro but is fit for this apparently, the type of defence he should rag like an XR4i on a beach circa 1988. What do you do with a problem like Barkley? Play him until we have someone better to play in that position of course you big silly, which it’s debatable we do at present. Pipe down with your Mirallas too, you FIFA Ultimate Team plums, he’s a winger.

Probably Mirallas and Bolasie on the wings though as that combination seems to work best, with Deulofeu eager to come on as a sub with 30 left and cause optimum damage. Or even trying stuff that doesn’t come off and shoeing the ball into touch when trying to control. You just never know with our wingers.

Gareth Barry sense of gravity is so low that there should be horrible capitalist bastards following him round a pitch trying to frack it. Him and Idrissa Gana Gueye are boss. What more is there to be said?

The Jagielka and Williams axis of blocks and interceptions will get another run out, and it would be sound if Coleman and Baines had a good seasons we’ve sort of forget how ace the pair of them are. Pleasing to see a returned emphasis on defending. Koeman, with his face like something Mount Etna spat out in spring, is in tune with Everton much more in that way.

Take his head off next time Stekelenburg, but defo a moody foul that, which was sound as it woke Goodison up into full on fume mode.

If you wanna be hot shots then you win these games, simple as. I’m still seething at having to do that list of their average players. The type of team that we had that coasted to fourth place twelve years ago.

Kevin Mirallas has endured his lowest point of his Everton career over the last 12 months, but under new management, he will look to be the man to lead the Blues to glory again.

A reliable outlet under Moyes turned into an electric livewire under Martinez – in the Spaniard’s initial season, that is – as he lit up Goodison and stole the show on many occasions, with his undeniable quality and flair.

However, it all went a bit awry for the Belgian-born winger, as a falling out with the manager led to a season largely in the stands as he looked to be on his way out.

His Everton career wasn’t finished there, though.

From Liége to LilleMirallas was a player who had trouble finding his way in his early years, as he bounced around from Belgium to France between 2004 and 2010, never holding down a proper first-team place. He made just over 76 appearances in 5 years for Lille, and was shipped off to fellow Ligue 1 outfit Saint-Étienne in 2008, where he played more regularly and began to make himself known, scoring crucial goals including one against high-flying Lyonnais in the local derby game.

Again though, this form would fizzle out over the course of 3 years with ‘Les Verts’ and he found himself once again in the limbo of the stands and the pitch, never being entirely comfortable on either end.

Finding his Magic FeetIn the summer of 2010, in the midst of Mirallas’ struggles, he took the bold trip over to Piraeus to play for Olympiacos on an initial one-year loan.

He made his debut in comfortable circumstances as the Greek side strolled past Besa Kavaje in the Europa League qualifying, and then went on to score his first flurry of goals as they beat second-division Olympiacos Volou.

None of this meant anything, of course, as the regular season had yet to kick-off. When it did, his first goal came in the fiery atmosphere of the ‘Derby of Eternal Enemies’ between Olympiacos and Panathinaikos. Despite losing the tie, Olympiacos elected to make Mirallas’ transfer permanent on a four year deal.

He would not see out the entirety of this deal, however, as in the summer of 2012, he signed for Everton for £6m in what would be David Moyes’ final summer of transfers before ending his time at Goodison and moving down the road to fill the colossal boots of Sir Alex Ferguson. A job which would be miles over his head.

So, did Moyes leave the right legacy in this flair-filled, journeyman winger?

Time would tell.

A change in Mentality … for Moyes.David Moyes was never known for exciting attacking play – we know that best- and many of us would not have been off our seats at Goodison because of tricks or skill. The arrival of Kevin Mirallas changed the mood in the Gwladys entirely, as he brought a spectacular brand of what was foreign to the masses.

It was like the invasion of Rock music. ”Turn it off” they said, as many of the traditions of the older generations were shattered by an unwelcomed expression.Kevin Mirallas was the Rock music to Everton’s tired football.

The magic-filled boots of the superstar dazzled all of us in his initial season, coming to a climax with a heroic 1 vs 11 effort against Stoke, in which he received the ball in his own box and it was in Begovic’s goal before any other Stoke man could catch a glimpse at Mirallas.

He was the man who provided the send-off David Moyes deserved at Everton, as he bagged a brace in the Scot’s final match in the home dugout at Goodison. How fitting that the man who completed Moyes’ Everton would finish his reign as boss.

He was a man who thrived off of the adoration and attention. This wouldn’t change, even if everything else around him did…

A perfect fit for a partner.A summer of change at Finch Farm saw Roberto Martinez come in as the new Everton boss, making him the first manager outside of the British Isles to ever be appointed manager of Everton.He captained the ship through a period of upheaval which saw David Moyes’ cosy stability leave Everton. The Catalan’s crass Football saw Everton get in the faces of the opposition and hound them for 90 minutes. Nobody more so than Mirallas.

From being the sole outlet for Everton in the previous year, Mirallas saw himself become part of an electric Everton attack, spearheaded by his Belgian counterpart Romelu Lukaku in a season where he would help the Blues to a record points total in the Premier League era.

A betrayal of faith and a loss of direction.Goodison’s own Hollywood star seemed to be taking a path less travelled for his kind. Normally, a player of his calibre would use a rustic club like Everton as a stepping stone to the A-list clubs of the world. Mirallas, however, committed to Everton as he found a home on the banks of the Mersey. It was too good to be true. A young, hungry manager and an overflow of world-class youngsters lining up for the ”People’s Club”.

It all came crumbling down in the most excruciating way.

Martinez was found out and Everton had lost the flair-factor once again, as the Spaniard was shown to be miles out of his depth without his gimmicks, with only a silver tongue to give him one more season after the calamity of 14-15.

It was here that Mirallas had lost his love for the Blues and decided he wanted to move out. Trying to put himself in the shop window with that penalty resulted in the winger being humiliated as he caused Everton so much strife and frustration.

The following season, Martinez decided to cut his ties with Mirallas as he once again found himself in familiar circumstances, the Stands. Like his time wandering in France, Mirallas was lost for options. Was he to take the easy route and leave the place which had taken him in so readily? Or was he willing to repay that love the Gwladys had given him?

Super Kev decided to remain with Everton, and we’re all so thankful. This coupled with Roberto Martinez’ belated departure left Mirallas with a blank card and much ambition.

A new era… A new poster-boy?Ronald Koeman arrived at Everton with fresh ideas and the experience of playing at the absolute pinnacle of Football.

He decided to give all of the squad a chance to find their way again in Pre-season, and Mirallas took full advantage of this opportunity as he blitzed past lesser opposition and showed signs of the star we all know he is.

With the new season – and era – underway at Goodison, it’s time for Mirallas to light up the dark nights rolling in again and show just why we all adored him in the first place.

Romelu Lukaku has been ruled out of Tuesday’s game against Norwich City with a toe injury.

The Belgian will be replaced by Enner Valencia after picking up the injury in the 3-1 over Middlesbrough at Goodison on Saturday. He will be rested for two days before resuming training in preparation for the trip to Bournemouth at the weekend.

Valencia, who is on from West Ham United, will get his first Everton start in the EFL Cup third round clash having made his debut as a late substitute against Boro.

Manager Ronald Koeman also suggested further changes may be made to his starting XI but Darron Gibson and James McCarthy remain side-lined by respective groin problems which have required surgery.

The Blues boss said: “Romelu is not available, only he from the weekend is not fit and not available for tomorrow. He will rest his toe for two days and then normally, after two days, he can do normal training and [hopefully] he is available for the weekend.”

After being told he didn’t have a future at Everton, Oumar Niasse was a surprise inclusion in David Unsworth’s side to face Arsenal tonight.

The Under 23’s ran out emphatic 5-0 winners away at Boreham Wood and the Senegalese striker marked his appearance with his first goal in Everton colours, notching the third in a comprehensive victory.

The Blues took the lead just four minutes in thanks to Kieran Dowell’s low finish inside the area, with Jonjoe Kenny also going close.

Unsworth’s side went into half-time holding a narrow advantage but came storming out of the blocks in the second half, with Liam Walsh’s brilliant free-kick doubling their lead within two minutes of the restart.

Niasse netted from close range to extend the young Blues’ lead, before Calum Dyson headed in a fourth within just moments of entering the fray as a substitute. Dyson then finished the rout, scoring Everton’s fifth with five minutes left on the clock to seal their fourth win of the Premier League 2 campaign.

Not much to add to that at the moment which will largely be reflected in this preview. Everton are playing reasonably well but a couple of good results at the beginning of the season but one swallow does not a championship maketh.

Glutes on Bolasie though, he could out squat Karren Brady and beat a cheetah to the sideline. For some further try-too-hard player worship do read on.

Beating Sunderland away is no thing, not that it felt that way four months ago when they stamped out the dying embers of the Martinez reign. That’s gone though now

It was the stepping up of an Everton team after a dull first half and the verve, yes verve, about this new team Ronkoe is trying to put together. There’s not a terrible run of game ahead which is exactly the point Everton would normally muck it up and labour to full underwhelming draws and losses, so it’s on this game by game basis that we’ll proceed.

Gana Gueye though.

Middlesbrough made it up to the big time again under most Spanish looking Spaniard of 2016 Aitor Karanka. They were no mugs in coming up with a good all round side astute at both ends of the pitch and they’ve strengthened further by splashing decent cash on established expensive players in the hope of consolidating their position in the Premier League.

Enough of that generic preview stuff though. What are their fans like? Well it’s a bit of a scruffy one, Jeff, as it’s archetypical big town/small city little Inglaterra with lashings of shit tattoos, every second male claiming to be a cage fighter, Parmos, EDL enthusiasm, a family day out at Superdrug, a big rusting Transporter Bridge and misplaced local pride bordering on hostility to anyone not the same godforsaken place.

I want you to picture run down council estates – which we have granted – but the type of ‘community’ where as soon as the sun shines there’s sofas dragged into the front garden and Scandia Green cracked open coupled with Red Red Wine on cassette blurring out of a Midi system. On a piece of land that looks to Scandinavia it’s a shame that a viable deterrent for the Vikings came 1223 years too late in the form of a repugnant populus.

Do you need to guess who they voted for in the Brexit referendum? Nearly two to one people voting leave to stay. Quelle surprise. And by uttering that touch of French if I’d sail my dinghy off the coast there I’d be liable to be tried as a French spy and hung before I could eat my last banana. Aye I know it’s Hartlepool but you’re the same thing when you’re only separated by a shitty piece of marsh with fat bone idle seals lying about it, like your number 1 tourist attraction.

Cheap goading aside there’s lots of decent folk in Middlesbrough with a ‘bonny’ sense of humour and they’re far more preferable to large swathes of the bellfest that is England. They’re the very southern outpost of the north east which in my book takes the prize of people I like/can stomach the most out of England. Well in Middlesbrough.

Know their players? Me neither. Let’s do a list then.

Negredo – boss striker we wanted to sign but were skint and City signed himstead and I don’t know what happened but he’s at Boro now with knees made out of playdoh, will probably score.

Downing – Libbapewelfubbelklub paid £20m for him to feed crosses onto £35m Andy Carroll. Their combined value is nearly the entire GDP for two months (£55m v £61.97m) of the Democratic Republic of Congo that Bolasie proudly plays for.

Forshaw – young lad who we let go and has forged a career back to the Premier League, well in, doesn’t piss us off like Dier or Mustafi so bonus points.

De Roon – Dutch lad who’s tectonic plates under his skin is pulling his eyes apart by 1cm a year. Will be able to see in 4D by 2020.

George Friend – can you imagine the shit quips he had to put up with in secondary education?

Valdes – Eto’o played for Everton too which stops me writing the stuff I was gonna say. Some comedown that though lad. Build up then.

That’s Middlesbrough, so onto Everton.

It’s a 5.30 kick off which brings out the best in Goodison for me, all we need is for a moody challenge to go unpunished from a Boro player in the first few minutes and that should be the spark. Or sending our keeper off, not that I’m advocating it.

Koeman, face like substandard GCSE Home Economics blancmange, has a happy knack of picking the subs you’d want to make personally and it’s been a while since we’ve had that particular luxury.

Lukaku bounced back in style with an eleven minute hat trick and such is Lukaku that he usually goes through goal spurts when he gets going. A two goal bet for him or more using the site’s friends at Paddy Power will be on my coupon this weekend. 0-2 Middlesbrough obviously for typing that.

Barkley isn’t playing well and will probably miss out. It causes some anxiety that a career may pass where he doesn’t click in his head that he’s better than pretty much everyone on the park. South end Liverpool that. If he was from Nogsy he’d be tearing up the pitch right now, probably on a stolen quad bike with the bizzies failing spectacularly to catch him. Wouldn’t be surprised to the weird three winger approach of Bolasie, Mirallas and Deulofeu start this.

Koeman has hinted at game time for Valencia this weekend at some point. Not the club he got sacked from, the player he signed from West Ham. I had to shoehorn that in as I genuinely can’t remember being so excited to preview a team as West Ham in beards. I hope I’m permitted to fully wear my sneering strides by the time we meet up.

Barry is playing ace and is benefitting from having the legs of the Senegalese Alan Ball alongside him in Gana Gueye. It’s totes OK to go overboard on him as he’s been sent to make us all feel twenty years younger not unlike a meteorite from space landing in your local swimming baths. Not much I can add but he’s ace, really is ace.

At the back you got Williams and Jagielka looking steady but yet to be properly tests, with Baines and Coleman either side. Stekelenburg in goal making you not notice or fret over the keeper so much, which is a pleasant change.