Jay Lauer

I've never been much of a truck person. I respect them. I understand their use in the world, in the same way I understand the proper use of the Tic-Tac lid/holder, but I still don't use it. I've driven numerous trucks, diesel and gas alike, but I had never driven anything with a lift.

Now this is a review of A lifted truck, not ALL lifted trucks. The review is relative to the truck pictured above, so please don't complain about how much better your truck is or one that's properly set up is because 1) you're probably right and 2) it's not my lifted truck, so I won't really care.

First off, coming from driving a peppy-little Mazda3 at the time, there's one key feature that you really have to get used to in a lifted pickup; THE SIZE. My small hatch had left me with this sense of security that I always had space to drive and flow between traffic. I had no parking troubles and I could easily avoid colliding with things. The lifted truck has none of that.

Now, you could take the Texas approach and see, push, and shove your way through your driving endeavors and let other people worry about sissy things like safety. Sadly, I'm not from Texas, so I can't do that.

I thought I would adjust to the size. After all, I've driven a 70s Lincoln before. I know what humungous is all about. But what I began to realize is that the height plays tricks on your vision. Most things you could hit in a lifted truck and below you, and you can't reference it position in relation to your own.

At this point I should probably make some reference to how it drives.

This particular lifted truck is equipped with the Powerstroke 7.3, one of the last great Ford diesels. It's loud and unsophisticated, but it won't rattle your spine out of your body like a 90s Cummins will. Diesels require a different style of driving and one that's very simple to learn: Drive it like you hate it. It's intoxicating and testosterone filling to beat on. (No pun intended) The rest is par for the course for diesels. It runs, it pulls, and when you goose it, black smoke rolls out as if they're still choosing a new pope.

Handling: There is none.

In most vehicles, you give input through the steering wheel which is then transferred through a number of links than then turn the wheel according to how much lock you provide. In this particular vehicle. Your steering inputs are then transferred into braille, which is given to a deaf worker who then shouts the direction to a blind man, who doesn't trust the deaf man, and decides the steering direction on his own. It's diabolical. The wheels is hooked up (I checked) put at any give moment, theres about 35-45 degrees of play in the wheel, in a 12 year-old car.

The biggest problem with the lifted truck is the owner. Now, I could give a 314 page analysis on why lifted trucks aren't useful and how a normal 4x4 pickup is a much better bargain and how that extra money compounded could solve world hunger, but simple fact is that it won't make a damn bit of difference. They'll still sell and be built like crazy.

The lifted pickup isn't about usability and versatility. It's about getting looked at. It's about fun. It's about compensation. It's about picking up girls who's idol is Luke Bryan. It' s about giving a middle finger to people you've never met before.

My only real bone to pick with the bro-truck is with regards to it's alternative. Bro-trucks are meant for fun and lifted-truck-girl-boners, I get it. I just can't see why somebody would be a 3/4 pickup and lift it instead of buying an already kitted Jeep Wranger (FJ, TJ, Jaguar XJ, or whatever alphabet letter you can put together.)

The Wrangler is lighter, faster, and in my opinion, loads more fun. It's just as lifted and the tires are just as big. I don't have lady parts so I don't know how the Wrangler compares in sex appeal, but it can't differ much. Just to top off the cake, the Wrangler allows to take off the doors. If you've never driven a Wrangler without doors, you've never truly lives. I guarantee that.

I've considered buying a Wrangler on many occasions, but I was always deterred by sensible things like WRX wagons, Mazda3's, BMWs, or V12 Jaguars and Lotus Exiges. (Ok, that last two I may have never bought.)

But once again, the bro-truck isn't about logic. I can make any argument, rebuttal, witty remark I want, but that won't deter bros and lifted pickups will live on.