"It is, after all, mostly little, common things that make up our lives."
--Elisabeth Elliot

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…until you drown.

My blog has been my safe place. A semi-anonymous place for me to dump my thoughts and feelings and such so that I can get through the day to day of life. The place where I can document the lives of me and my husband and children so that someday, when I die, I will have left a legacy of who I am. A place where I am me, totally, unapologetically me, even if a bit guarded. A place where I feel accepted by the people that read my words. Because no one has had a problem with what I’ve written…or at least they haven’t brought it into real life conversations and that is okay with me.

I use a website to track visitor ISP addresses so that I know where you are from. I pay attention to who follows and reads me so that I am sure to return the favor and try out your blog as well. I spend a lot of time on my blog even if I don’t write every day. I have drafts saved on my dashboard and in Windows Live Writer. I have ideas in Word documents on both my work computer and my home computer.

The point? I love my blog.

Or at least I did. Now, I am scared of what I put out here. I am scared to write my words and feelings and let you all in. I am scared to allow you to look into my life, to see my kids, to be privy to thoughts that I wouldn’t say to your face.

Because now I feel like my blog has been violated.

I have a reader that doesn’t deserve the pass to be here. Someone that I have never wanted to have the chance to meet my amazing family, let alone see pictures of my kids and know my inner most thoughts and feelings. Someone who causes so much turmoil inside of me that it’s hard to hold a single conversation without anger or tears.

Someone who makes me want to close my blog, my MySpace, and my FaceBook. Someone who makes me want to never touch technology again. Someone who after 18 years, read my words and interpreted them in a way that suited him and not in the way they were meant.

But your blog is PUBLIC! Didn’t you ever think this would happen?

Yes, I did. More and more of my family has found or been told about my blog. Word has spread and I understood that. I knew that. I knew this could happen.

But knowing and dealing are two different things. Very different. Knowing that somebody might be reading my blog is different that knowing they do in fact read it. And that they are therefore privy to things that they otherwise would not be.

I know, I know. I am rambling. But here’s the gist of this post. I don’t know how to deal with this person being privy to my thoughts. My immediate response what to shut down the blog all together. After careful consideration and more tears than you can imagine, my decision is…

…I don’t know. There is no decision.

And this is where I leave you hanging in wonder until I come to terms with my situation and the people who read my extremely PUBLIC blog.

Oh, I get it. Which is why I have a secret blog where I am anonymous because I put myself out there and people read it and continue to read it and I can never really be myself there anymore. It's sad but I've found a way through it.

I hope you stay. I 've been through what you are going through.. it's tough.. I'm sorry you have to go through it..

I never understood why some people even want to read what we write.. what our private thoughts are.. why they can't let us have just this one little space.. without their noses up our butts sniffing... but.. it's the way they are...