“Let’s just say that my cousin doesn’t exactly have the most sophisticated palette. Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota, he actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue’s minivan. He’s been that way since we were kids. Made my life a living hell.” – Schmidt

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“I thought everyone knew. You grieved so publicly on Instagram, all those pictures of sad trees and your lunches.” – Jess

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“A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling, I feel like you’re just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap, probably won’t work.” – Nick

“Seems to me like this whole things is a draw. I mean, you did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle. I mean, you belched longer, but he farted louder. You punched a tree, he headbutted a bench. You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch. I mean, Schmidt, how much more can you take?” – Winston

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“Know this, your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil. And yes, cutting peppers in the classic style de Julienne. You may have bested me in the competition of pre-Clinton manhood but I am Schmidt, a refined and enlightened pescatarian, 90% of the time.” – Schmidt