4/30/2008

I am still here. It has been an intense week and a half for me.

I finally posted the tutorial over on my business blog.

I took on way too much-felt crazy and overwhelmed, but then looked at things as objectively as i could and decided to clear my plate a bit by going on "vacation" from my two etsy stores, while I get my portrait business stuff in line and organized better.

I have a lot to share about this process so I will be back soon to write more.

Comfort

I am editing like a mad woman for my website and feel completely isolated....good but a bit isolated.

This photograph instantly made me think of the song Comfort by Deb Talan. I have included the lyrics below. I heard Deb wrote the song for her friends that were having babies. Now some years later she has had her own!

***oh and I have a little tip I learned about making layers work that I am going to go post on my business blog right now....*****

Comfort by Deb Talan

When everyone has gone to sleep and you are wide awakethere's no one left to tell your troubles to.Just an hour ago, you listened to their voiceslilting like a river over undergroundand the light from downstairs came up soft like daybreakdimly as the heartache of a lonely child.

If you can't remember a better timeyou can have mine, little one.In days to come when your heart feels undonemay you always find an open handand take comfort wherever you can.

And oh, it's a strange place.And oh, everyone with a different facebut just like you thought when you stopped here to lingerwe're only as separate as your little fingers.

So cry, why not? we all dothen turn to one you loveand smile a smile that lights up all the room.Follow your dreams in through every out-doorit seems that's what we're here for.

And when you can't remember a better timeyou can have mine, little one.In days to come when your heart feels undonemay you always find an open handand take comfort, there is comfort.Take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can.

4/23/2008

My son is back to school today. I have three un interupted hours to work while listening to the new Weepies albumwhich totally rocks:) and burning yummy Nag Champa incense from my lovely soul sister Deni.

I emailed one of the photographers I admire (Eden from Eden Photography) some questions about her photography and she answered them all! I posted the questions and answers up on my business blog.

4/22/2008

I am feeling pretty delicate today. Actually for the past few days/week.

It began with catching up and reading posts over at Maddie's blog and feeling envy that her life seems so filled with magic and beauty. Part of me felt less than those things as I savoured her words, her poems, her photographs. The thought to turn away from this beauty, as if not knowing it would make me feel better, came up for me. But then it seemed to slap me in the face-this choice to turn away from something beautiful so I wouldn't feel so plain. Then I thought a bit more, and realized I could choose to be inspired instead. What I love so much about her is her perspective, that she treats herself to beautiful treats, she captures wonderful moments, she delights in pretty treasures. All things I admire and love about my darling Deni, who I know better, and who through our common fertility journey has shared her process and how she rises above the tears and sadness. So I realized that maybe by shifting my perspective I could bring some more of that magic to my own life. Maybe being conscious to find those things every day in my life would bring me light and joy. And they did, and now I find myself checking in for new posts by Maddie regularly as they have become another one of my beautiful magical reminders to look at the beauty around me.

Since I am being honest I will add that I also sometimes have felt envious or less than when reading Kelly Rae's blog because she is such a success, and beautiful, and lives in such a cute home, and has such a cute studio:) . Once again, I don't know Kelly very well outside her blog. I try to remind myself then as well, that she is human too, and that she works at being courageous and just keeps going forward (she also shares parts of her process on her blog). That what she has, she has created. I decide to allow these qualities to inspire me rather than fester, but sometimes it is a bit of a challenge.

So I had a good rush of great things happen as I started doing the feeling affirmations and taking risky-scary steps. An example -I thought of an idea to propose to Somerset studios and so I emailed the editor and asked if they would be interested. I was terrified but I did it. I got a quick reply that they would:)

I also was encouraged by my fristerGenine to dabble in high school school senior portrait photography. At first I thought-who the heck can I get to model so I can build a portfolio? I kept imagining my successful portrait business, with this question in the back of my mind. I just chose not to listen to the doubts without countering them with good thoughts. In a day or so I started to think of all these teenagers. I contacted them and got all of the 5 lined up and scheduled for this week.

Then all of a sudden I started to feel a downward fear spiral, that I wrote about a two posts ago. Then I read a post by someone that I took personal, even though it may not have been about me. All of a sudden I had some evidence to support this deep rooted fear that when I sound happy, or spin things in a positive light, or use my blog to help me cherish the beauty and magic, that those I love will somehow be turned away by it. My "ego" or whatever you call it started rebelling and trying to theoretically pull me back. Now truly this has NOTHING to do with anyone else. It has to do with the fear that comes up for me when I am growing and changing.

So I have been moving steadily ahead, but my insecurities seem to be building with each step.

I want to be happy I want to savor and enjoy every beautiful thing.

Feeling the grief and sadness, which I feel like I did for the first two years blogging, was good and healing but it also began to feel stifling. I didn't like being around myself anymore. I was sick of being the sad one in my group of friends. The one to be sorry for. The one that had such bad luck.

It doesn't mean the pain is all gone, or that I am denying those things. What it means to me is that I have this one wild and crazy life. I want to look back on my life when I am dying and feel it was well lived. I sat with my mother - not too soon before her passing-and she looked at me and said she focused on the wrong things. The negative things-the things she couldn't control. The people who didn't or couldn't love her instead of the glorious things. This was a very very strong pivotal moment that always is in my mind when I feel tragically sad or disappointed. I want to focus on the right things, if that makes sense.

Yesterday I felt tragically sad. My Dr. office called and left a message on my cell phone, that the genetic results were in from our last miscarriage-less than two months ago. I called them back and the nurse tells me that the baby was a balanced girl-like me (this means she had my translocation ). They had so much tissue they are sure it was not my cells. She was genetically normal. Most of my miscarriages have been unbalanced. She would have grown normally-as she did the first 8 weeks, except her sac was defective and caused the loss.

This hit me much harder than I thought it would. So even though I had a senior portrait session in 2 hrs, I let myself cry. I called Genine (my husband was in an out of town meeting) and bawled and talked. I got off the phone and cried some more. But then I cleaned up and went on to my photo shoot. I allowed the joy of taking pictures to come. I felt lighter. On the way home I was tired and still felt the pain, but it was less.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that creating and appreciating goodness takes a lot of effort for me, but it is the only way I want to live this one wild and precious life I have been given. And when I am brave and do things that scare me, it seems easier to find good things, but the fear still comes, and sometimes it comes like a storm that feels burdensome and hard to escape. And there are some days like today, where I feel tired and super delicate.

One day you finally knewwhat you had to do, and began,though the voices around youkept shoutingtheir bad advice--though the whole housebegan to trembleand you felt the old tugat your ankles."Mend my life!"each voice cried.But you didn't stop.You knew what you had to do,though the wind priedwith its stiff fingersat the very foundations,though their melancholywas terrible.It was already lateenough, and a wild night,and the road full of fallenbranches and stones.But little by little,as you left their voices behind,the stars began to burnthrough the sheets of clouds,and there was a new voicewhich you slowlyrecognized as your own,that kept you companyas you strode deeper and deeperinto the world,determined to dothe only thing you could do--determined to savethe only life you could save.

4/18/2008

From me to you....

4/16/2008

When was the last time you picked or bought your inner rockstar a bouqet of flowers? Don't you think she deserves them?

Today I decided I would go browse the grocery store for a rose, or some tulips just because I so love having fresh flowers in my work space and none of the spring blooms are up yet. The tulips were $7.99, and I feel silly writing that I himmed and hawd a bit about spending the money. I had no intention of making a photo shoot out of the flowers, I just felt like it would be a nice thing to do for my inner Rockstar. I noticed I was weighing whether "she" was worth the $7.99.

So I walked around a bit, and then saw these sunny little bundles for just $1.99. I had to giggle at how I was given this other option. I must say the action of going to a store just to buy myself some flowers (and not a chocolate cake) as a reward for being brave, put a bounce in my step.

4/15/2008

I watched The Secretabout 2 summers ago. That was my first introduction to the packaged notion of the law of attraction, that like attracts like. It is not a new idea or notion, I just somehow missed getting it clearly before watching this movie.

For about a month I had it on my ipod in the car and listened to it whenever I was driving, over and over.

Somehow I get a bit uncomfortable when I try to write about how much the law of attraction seems to work (at ;east for me and all my friends that have gave it a shot). So either it does or there are some super strange coincidences going on. Somehow I feel like I have stumbled on this strange treasure, that at first people don't believe. Sort of like I am in an episode of the twilight zone, and am the only one who believes it is real. I realized today that I write about it-or try to because I feel like I need some kind of help getting past the fear that comes up.

Often things start happening so fast that I get "very" scared and start putting out a "stop" vibe and things slow down.

This has happened today. The past week or so I have been spending at least 5 minutes pretty much every day (often first thing in the am while still in bed) feeling what it would feel like /as if I already have...the house, the relationships, the business etc that I want. And let me tell you things are happening and super fast, and I am getting super freaked out.

I really really want to keep moving forward. I am working really hard to keep the creating vibes but it is freaky.

Today I got this quote in a very deep way.......

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

If there are any of you reading that have been here and moved with it please please email me or leave a comment. I will be calmly sipping tea and eating cookies in the mean time.

4/12/2008

Life can be so interesting...

yesterday my son and I ran out of gas on the way home from me picking him up from school. Luckily it was about 20 yards from a little ice cream shop/markets (Stewarts).

My first thought was, I better buy T an ice cream, so he doesn't have a "I am ready for a nap meltdowns" while I am trying to figure this out. As I was buying the cone, I called my husband to talk through what I should do, when a kind woman who worked at Stewarts, suddenly offered to go get us gas. While T thoroughly enjoyed the ice cream cone, drip by drip, the woman went and returned, insisting that she pour the gas in, since she was already a bit gas soaked. It was a bit of a fiasco, involving caps that wouldn't tighten and way too much gas spillage to not make me a bit nervous, but it all worked out before the ice cream cone was finished.

Once T was down for his nap, I went to download photos from a spur of the moment, rush out of the house to catch the last rays of light, roll around in the wet grass, muddy, sultry and fun, photo shoot I got to shoot of my gorgeous frister Genine Thursday night. When I went to open PS a box popped up, reporting"your (PS)license has expired". My amazing hubby is currently installing our new PS (on our PC)while I write this on our laptap. We use the laptop downstairs for browsing and emailing mostly, it doesn't handle a lot of PS and RAW files very well, so we stick to using the upstairs computer for that. I have been in utter and absolute suspense waiting to play with the pictures I took of her.

Today the sun was shining, the wind was blowing and it was delightfully warm outside. We started our morning getting donuts with sprinkles and then taking a bike ride with friends.

I think I mentioned a bit a go that I have been dreaming of finding a wonderful house within a few blocks from Genine and some other friends. Well today we rode by a house that just put a sign up. I called to the owners lounging in their yard and asked for a tour:) The lady of the house and I hit it off smashingly. The house is everything and more, but the price tag is a bit higher than....well it is high. Don't know what is in store for us but it was fun to walk through, come home and sit in our present kitchen with the breeze coming in through the windows, dreaming about how fabulous the house we looked at would be to live in. I mean it is at most 3 blocks from 5 different friends-walking distance to the high school, post office, market, barber. It has fireplaces, window seats in many rooms, skylights, wood floors, oh I could go on and on......

Then this afternoon a bit after being put down for his nap my son called out. He threw up all over his bed. We spent the afternoon consoling a puking 3 year old. It is just plain hard to see such a little dear one in such a state of confusion and discomfort. I must say he handled it very maturely. I think he is feeling better, and hopefully will get a good nights sleep.

4/09/2008

Studio

In response to my glowing post, Denise gave me some fabulous advice to maybe clean out my studio. It is very symbolic of the place I find myself in mentally right now, one of clearing out my mind and refocusing. I thought I would do things differently and start out slow, by removing one of the work tables- and shifting a few things at a time, instead of doing it all at once-leaving a big mess in the process. When you first walk into my studio-this is right in front of you.I am now settled with what I am doing with jewelry, and need less space to play and experiment, so I can have it in a more concentrated area on one table instead of two. Here I have all the materials I need for making my pendants. You can see some of the art that inspires me and makes me feel good.Femininity by DeniBlessed by KellyMichelangelo by MadelynWing study 15 by ChristineTo the right is my computer desk. The photos you see are fairy magic photos from Caroline. I just love them. Then you see my messy stack of papers, bills, notes, calendar, photo paper. I guess I got a bit of the secret motivated print out I made showing my "paypal monthly income. I need to really feel this a bit more:) Then a card from Deni that reads "One of the hardest things to realize" she said "is that our 'someday' is right now." You can also catch a glimpse of the magic rocks from McCabesitting in front of my computer screen.

I skipped the right side of my desk with the printer-but a bit more to the right and you see this corner. A total and complete mess-and no where near what it will be. I am removing the square desk and putting the next rectangular desk in there. I will draw and paint here. The shelves will be put to good use-with supplies and more beautiful inspiration. hee hee-I just noticed the slumped position of my drawing guy.This photo of me and my mom was taken a few months before I met my husband. Geez 10+ years ago....this is when I dyed my hair dark (I am naturally mousy brown). There my mother is.... with her camera-the one she always had in hand to photograph me, and her beautiful garden. We are sitting on her small side deck. Gosh I miss her.And then if we move some more to the right we are right back to the entrance- or to the right of the entrance. Here is the desk that has been a catch all. I tack up photos waiting for frames etc. On the desk there are many scattered pendants that will need to be packaged and put in their proper place. The art here includes:Window view from Carolinethis photo moves me in a way I just can't explain. So much so that I have two of them-one downstairs in my kitchen and this one that will go in my bedroom once I redo it. I love Caroline, as well as treetops, white wains coating, green plants and of course crisp white bedding. Can't you feel the breeze coming in through the window?Eggshell girl from DaisiesWishtree branch from Sparkling soulsDandelion abstract from Contemplative Cajun

Ahhhh just looked at the time....I don't have much time left before picking up the little one from school. Thanks for visiting my studio space. I will share more as I get it more settled.

Delicacy

Handle your heart with care, for the love it holds is delicateon days things feel fuzzylay on a grassy hilllet the sun shine throughthe gauzy curtain of your hairlisten to the birdssing their song of freedomwrap your arms closeand let goroll down the grassy hilldried leaves will cling to the strands of your hairbreathe deep the smell of the earthand thenexhale.......

This is for all of us that feel a bit fuzzy, confused and lost.

It has been a strange few days. My own overwhelm and confusion, a dear friends heart being pushed to it's limits. In all of this seeming chaos, rolling down the hill in my backyard and reading these two clear messages has balmed my soul a bit. What I keep getting from the universe is that it is time to be still. To let the answer come in the quietness.

From Denise....and Jen Lemen:"Your soul has been through a great storm,but all is not lost,a kind light is coming soon,to bring you hope & life.You can rest now and wait...".~ Jen Lemen

and then from Christine:"More than just knowing I made the right choice to self-publish, I am also being given a loud and clear message that the more I trust my work, my gut and my intuition, the more bountiful this journey will be, on every level. It has become such a powerful momentum that it is becoming part of the book - the story of all this, the story of how the book came to be. Because I sat still and listened to what my heart had to tell me about making my book real, the story of the book is growing in directions I hadn't anticipated, but now that it is being written that way, I can't imagine it being anything else."

4/07/2008

Glowing

You know when you feel an inner glow that you assume must be radiating? The feeling that comes when you grasp a teeny bit of understanding about this whole life/universe/creation thing? That everything is just as it is supposed to be?

Well, I am really craving that today. I seem to be having a hard time connecting with it.

It may be that I am getting sick of this website creation/thought process. I feel my mojo fading as I resize photos, think of how to word things, how to price things...all these things that could be viewed as creative, but just aren't what I want to be working on right now.

Today I just wanted to dump all the mess in my studio into a box and pull out my pencils and draw. I want to rip up the carpet that my dumb ass cats have decided to start spraying (can I tell you how disgusting that is?) on in corners, where baskets from my moms house were stored, and put down stick tile that won't get stained with paint and glue. I want clear space. Simple space.

I have so much stuff that I feel like I should sell instead of tossing or giving away, which makes the whole task of cleaning it out feel a bit HUGE.

So here I sit at my computer-editing photos of my glowing friend-hoping to catch a bit of glow to carry me through more web site work.

4/05/2008

On the third morning together, Deni and I started playing with makeup. Denise said she has wanted to try smokey eyes, since she rarely wears much make up. It was so fun to have this time to stare at each of her little tender expressions and the curves of her lovely face, while listening to Pandoraand playing with makeup to give her these smokey eyes;) My makeup favorites: Bare Escentuals Warmthas a bronzer,Bare Escentuals Clear Radianceas a glowy highlighter powder, Urban Decay Eyeshadow- smog, chopper and maui wowie, MAC Lip Pencil in spice (Deni has this too-great neutral color) and Bare essentials baby lipstick and EsteeLauder Pure Color Gloss. I love this photograph of her-she has killer features. I have been having so much fun playing with the photos I took of her this past week. (****I am also LOVING the photos she took of me-one is part of my new banner and the other is my new profile pic-thanks darling:)I don't think I mentioned that the dayDenisecame, my husband called from work that he was really sick and I had to come get him. I was so nervous Denise and I would also get sick. Luckily we dosed up on Airborneand both only got sick for maybe half a day.When I got home my husband wasn't any better, so Sat am he went to the Dr. and discovered he had pneumonia. They gave him antibiotics and he slept most of the weekend and is now feeling better.So when I got home there was no reentry adjustment time, and suprisingly I felt like I really needed it. LOL . It has been a year and a half since I had a night away without it involving a fertility procedure or a miscarriage. The few days away, were so relaxing and so calming. I was hoping when I got home, we could ease gently back into our being together. Ummmm that was a dilusion. When I picked him up at school Friday-I was greeted with a downturned face and "where is Grandma?". He actually wimpered and said "I neeeeeed Grandma". I thought it was cute-that he loves her so much-but it was a bit of a rough reentry. Starting with nap time, it was clear that my being away had disrupted his toddler balance. He was a bit cranky and snappy for the next few days. I noticed I was struggling a bit. I had all these creative ideas floating from my getaway with Deni. I had a ton of photos I wanted to edit and my website to work on.

I am very grateful that I am in the middle of reading Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood- a book Deni gave me for Christmas. Wow it is good. She is so open and honest about her own experience of becoming and being a parent, and shares how her years of zen practice give her some clarity and guidance. I often feel far from a zen momma so I was a bit nervous that I would feel like a shit parent if I read the book. It has been the absolute opposite experience. I have found her book to be very helpful this past week, in giving me a better perspective and helping me be more centered as a mother and artist.

On Wed my husband had to go out of town for business for a couple of days, so I have been limited to nap time and a few hours at night to do anything non toddler related.

I started working on a new website a couple of weeks ago. Every spare moment, I have been resizing photos, playing with textures, and organizing sections for the site. I have been struggling for about a year, trying to get the type of site I want without spending at least $1500. In the meantime, I have been using a simple home page that directs people to my two etsy stores, even though I was paying for Yahoo ecommerce for about 6 months. I found Yahoo services complicated, the store front templates for dummies to be very cookie cutter feeling, and it was a pretty big pain in the ass to learn - at least for me. I paid $40.00+ dollars a month since the end of last summer and never got the freakin store up. I am choosing to see it as a huge lesson instead o a huge mistake and waste of money:) It's all about perspective right?

Back to the website....A week or so ago, a gallery owner called me. She had seen my work in the coffee house and said it was hard to find my contact information. That was pretty embarassing-I don't have any contact info on my home page. Luckily she looked through my etsy and like what she saw enough to look my number up in the phone book. I am meeting with her in a week to look at the gallery. I will have a show there in June or July.

Having this woman share her struggle to reach me, sealed the deal. I need a professional web presence, where gallery owners and customers can go for all the information they need. Luckily my darling friend Genine shared with me that she had found Flashpalette , a place that sells Flash Web templates for very reasonable prices. I decided on a template and have been working on it for a couple of weeks. It is super duper easy, super duper attractive and super duper fun. Can I say super duper enough? LOL.If you need a web site for a reasonable price you may want to check them out.

So this is where I have been this week; working, laughing and trying to be zen. *****giggle*******