While walking down the street to meet their date in a few minutes, the first guy asks his buddy..."DO I LOOK OKAY?"

His buddy stops and drops his jaw staring at this buddy and started singing and twirling around with a flower on his hands.. "WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE, THERE'S NOT A THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE, CAUSE BOY YOU'RE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."

The first guy looked at him seriously and punched him in the face and walked out on him..

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey and was told by mywife to empty the contents down the sink or else. Isaid I would and proceeded with this unpleasant task.I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured itdown the sink, with the exception of one glass, which Idrank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottleand likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, whichI drank. I extracted the cork from the third bottle andpoured the glass down the sink, which I drank. I pulledthe cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured thebottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the corkfrom the next glass and drank one sink out it and threw therest down the bottle, which I drank. I pulled the sinkout the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drinkand drank the pour. When I had everything empty, Isteadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses,corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which was 29and as the house came by I counted them again.

Finally, I had all the houses in one bottle, which Idrank. I'm not half as think you drunk I am. I foolso feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker I standhere the longer I get. I'm not under the affluence ofincohol as some tinkle peep I am.

Two executives, Gary and Bill, staggered out of their company's Christmas party in London. Bill stumbled across the street, while Gary stumbled into a tube station. When Bill reached the other side, he noticed Gary emerging grom the station stairs.

''Where have you been?'' Bill slurred.

''I don't know,'' replied Gary, ''But you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!''

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both very, very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties, and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls had their tinkle, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife, was still in bed.....hung over.

So he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst; my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with gold ribbon and a card stuck to her ass that said:

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you." Most intelligent people are introspective and doubt themselves while many fucktards are proudly over-confident. - a tip of the hat to Charles Bukowski

Joined: 10/19/2009Posts: 5,850Location: Right here on Lush Stories..., United States

Three old men were talking in a retirement home about their problems.The first says, "Every morning at 7:00 I get up and try to urinate." "All day long I try to urinate , but can't."The second says,"Every day at 8:00 I wake up and try taking a bowel movement." " All day long I try and can't."The third says, " I'm ninety years old." "Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate." " Every morning at 8:00 sharp, I have a bowel movement.""That's great," one of the other men said, "What's the problem?""I don't wake up until 9:00."You know you want it, you know you need it bad...get it now on Amazon.com...Lush Erotica, an Anthology of Award Winning Sex Stories

This man walks into a bar and on the counter is a jar full of money. The guy goes up to the bartender and asks, "What's the jar of money for?"

The bartender replies, "If you can make my horse laugh, I'll give you the jar of money."

The man walks over to the horse and whispers something in it's ear and the horse starts laughing. He walks back to the bar, grabs the money and walks out.

Exactly one week later, in the same exact bar, in the same exact spot, is another jar of money. The man walks up to the bartender and asks, "What's the jar of money for?"

The bartender replies, "Well, ever since you came in here last week, my horse hasn't stopped laughing. If you can make him stop laughing, I'll give you the jar of money."

The man walks over to the horse and does something to it and the horse immediately starts crying. He walks back to the bar, grabs the money and heads for the door. Before he reaches the door, the bartender stops him and asks, "How did you get the horse to laugh and how did you get him to cry?"

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