About Me

A little corner for this mama to pen some thoughts, ideas, opinions and hopes for the future...this mama is happily married to a wonderful man and has a darling sweet son and now blessed with another son, alhamdulillah...life is wonderful!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I just watched a movie at Hallmark channel on Astro, actually I didn't even finish watching it as I thought enough TV for tonite. Anyway, the movie was entitled 'Tuesday's with Morrie'. I've watched the advert for the movie a few times on Hallmark channel but never really bothered to want to watch it as I thought it would be one of those movies about the relationship between an old man(a teacher) and a young man(his student). But after watching the movie a few minutes, I then realise that this movie had touched my heart and made me cry. I am quite fond of touchy feely movie actually but this one really touched my heart as he talked about fear and death. The one part of the movie that really touched me was the scene when Mitch(the young man) asked Morrie(the teacher@old man) how does he go through each day smilling and being happy...does he not worry or get scared knowing that he is dying(yes, he was dying, he has this condition called Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis(ALS or also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease)..) Well..his answer touched my heart instantly as it reminded me of 'my' own fear and 'my' feelings whenever I think about Ridhwan's condition...Morrie's answer was...he said he'd get up in the morning when everyone is still asleep and the feeling of anger, rage, sadness all comes up to him and he just dwell in it and tells himself, what has he ever done to deserve this condition, why is this happening to him...But then, after just immersing himself in those feelings, he'd tell himself...enough feeling sorry and pity for himself, he can't feel sorry for himself the whole time..and so he told himself, enough pitiness for one day...lets get a move on with life...

And you know what..that was what I felt intially when Ridhwan was placed in the ICU only when he was 4 days old....I kept blaming myself for not seeing that he was not well even when we came back..his crying was different, not of wanting milk badly but more oh whinning as if in pain or something...and so the blame myself session takes into place...but Alhamdulillah...even in the condition when you have just delivered, normal delivery..and the after pain of delivery was still there..I just gathered enough courage and strength to push myself to go to the hospital each day to visit Ridhwan in the ICU when there were times I just felt like fainting on the wheelchair(I couldn't and didn't have the strength to walk to the ICU..) and even was shivering endlessly in the ICU ..now I know why they have these tungku hot things and you are told to wear socks.....and yet, I just couldn't not even one day not go and see my wonderful son in the ICU...I just couldn't bring myself to just stay at home and 'get well' as everyone told me to and not go see the face of my son in the ICU....I just couldn't...but I thank Allah for giving me that strength to face each day in my condition as I never regretted to push my body to the limit as Ridhwan remembers..remembers?...yes, he remembers the day we both were looking out the window in the ICU and I told Ridhwan "Look Ridhwan, those are clouds out there...aren't they beautiful..mama loves to look at clouds cause it reminds me how great is Allah work to be able to make such beautiful clouds and its shapes and sizes..and if you really sit still you can actually see them moving...." ...yup, I kept on saying that whenever he opened his eyes while he was lying on the small incubator in the ICU...and to my surprise after we came back home after being in the ICU and being warded for nearly 11 days, totalling 21 days Ridhwan was in the hospital...I told Ridhwan to look up and see the clouds...and he did...he was looking at them and sometimes later he smiled...and till today, he loves looking outside and look to the sky..maybe thinking of the time his mother told him never to stopped worrying or get scared as I was there, even if for a short time everyday...but I will be there and Allah is always there....and maybe because of my presence each day even for a short while, made him have strength and hope to fight whatever pain he was facing...and whenever I came to see him , his heart beat would increase as I slowly talked to him.....

And so, when I saw Morrie crying and talking about how sorry he feels for himself each day in the morning but then he'd spring into life again and live life to the fullest..it reminds me of myself how i've supressed my sadness or feeling of desperation whenever I feel lost as I know and believe that no matter how bad it seems I can never look back but I must march forward and be the best to myself and Ridhwan.....for his sake I have to be strong and show him how much I love, care and have faith in him....Morrie, you reminded me today again that life should be kept simple and sweet and most of all embraced with a happy heart and hope..always hope for the best....I thank my mother for her strength, as I believe, what I am today and how strong I am today is thanks to her as she never stopped loving her children with all her might and kept us her priorities all the time and was even willing to sacrifice a career for our future...and mama, thank you for believing in me even when times I feel that it gets so bleak...you are my strength mama and my hope...and 'I' hope that I too one day will be the 'hope' for Ridhwan to be what he is meant to be, and that is...the best for himself....wallahualam...