Nothing says hard rock like a plate of hot sizzling bowel watering nachos. To mark the 3rd year of the irrepressible Hard Rock Monday, I would like the cafe to offer 5 different nachos, for one night only (9 August).

For too long we have suffered under the tyranny of the one nacho system. Freedom to rock means freedom to choose your nachos. As Emiliano Zapata said, "he who sacrifices his nachos for rock deserves neither". It is time to live the dream.

So what are these 5 different nachos then?

1. The Classic

For those who know what they like and like what they know. So much has already been written about Forest nachos, that they need no further introduction.

2. The Flamin' Pendechos

Think that jalapenos are what little girls eat while listening to Hannah Montana? Then this dish is for you. This gastr(onom)ic equivalent of the vuvuzela is off the Scoville Scale, liberally infused with Birdseyes,habaneros, and the S-Dawg's favourite, the Naga Jolokia or Ghost chili. If you struggle to finish a vindaloo, then you are woefully out of your depth with this kulinary killer.

3. The Godzilla

Mean and green, this bad boy packs a prehistoric punch only matched by its scaly namesake. Green tomatoes, green peppers, green onions and Japanese horse radish combine to form a fiery green salsa. If things couldn't get greener, no one told the guacamole that. One mouthful of this and you will be destroying skyscrapers like a true wasabist. "Oh no, there goes Tokyo. Go go Godzilla."

4. Queso Grande

With more cheese than a brontosaurus' bell end, things are gonna get messy - stringy strands, congealing deposits of guilty secrets, hot spurts of molten pleasure, and more protein dripping off your chin than you ever dreamt of. This is definitely one to consume slowly, rewind and repeat.

5. The Beaner

Already illegal in Arizona, the Beaner is for those who want a little bit more than the law will allow. Pulsating with a leguminous vegan chili, this rebellious offering will give you the energy you need to stick it to The Man.Who wants to eat meat on their knees, when they can flip the bean instead? Viva la revolucion!

I can buy the unusual ingredients, prepare stuff in advance and be on hand all evening to help the kitchen staff. I reckon another 50p/£1 on the price of regular nachos. What do you think?