Ya Hurd

“Yes, I flip that white pudding/but I swear I wish I met Dwight Gooden/To show him that my pitch is better/Bring Strawberry, dawg- I’ll be rich forever.”

Cam’ron – “Rush Rush (Get The Yayo)

Just a week ago, Sam Hurd was destined to be remembered by only the most desperate fantasy football owners—he had, after all, logged some sneaky-good late season games. Then, the six-figure drug bust. I was hardly the only person taking to Twitter immediately asking which Chicago rapper would namedrop Sam Hurd. I mean, it rhymes with so much.

But Hurd is a special case. Rappers use celebrities as drug personification; it’s been nearly a decade since we got the kind of line like that classic Killa, where the offense itself makes an appearance. So, free of charge, we’ve gone ahead and ghost-written 10 such raps on spec.

Darren Daulton: Dutch was on that kind of third-eye expanding shit that leads one to authoring a book on occultism and numerology called “If They Only Knew.” Would love to give this one to Ghostface, but the way this one played out went straight to Kanye:

Nate Newton: In the span of five weeks towards the end of 2001, the former Cowboys lineman was caught with a combined 388 pounds of marijuana in Texas – about as much weight as his mortal frame itself once carried before he underwent gastric bypass. The rhythmic similarity to “John Madden” makes this one something I could imagine Young Jeezy flipping ca. Thug Motivation 101:

Michael Irvin: Everyone remembers the cocaine bust; fewer remember the full-length mink he wore to trial. Danny Brown seems to have the market cornered on America’s Team-style debauchery, so I hope to hear this one on XXXI:

“White girls on that white girl/You know how I serve ‘em/straight to the telly, reverse cowgirl, Michael Irvin.”

Johnny Jolly: The Houston native screwed himself out of playing in Super Bowl XLV on account of multiple arrests for codeine possession. Like I could give this to anyone but Lil’ Wayne:

Wade Boggs: Anyone who rocked that kind of mustache in the ‘80s probably lost a solid ounce of coke in it, but Wade Boggs is best known for the possibly apocryphal story of finishing a 32-pack of beer on a cross country flight. Considering Boggs’ concurrent predilection for poultry, Ludacris is the right fit here:

“White boy wasted/I’m Wade Boggs on the private plane/Serve two chickens every night/but they never the same.”

Damon Stoudamire: Damon Stoudamire was busted for trying to smuggle an ounce and a half of marijuana in a Tucson airport, wrapped in aluminum foil, two years after 9/11. This sort of bodacious ignorance feels right for Nas at the peak of his Escobar phase:

“Catch me in Heathrow/blazin’ like Damon in London/I call my broad Mighty Mouse/if she can’t get it through customs.”

Pedro Guerrero: The former Dodger and Cardinal first baseman was arrested in 1999 for buying 33 pounds of cocaine from an undercover officer, however, the greatest lawyer ever got him acquitted with a defense predicated on his 70 IQ negating the ability to understand the logistics of a drug deal. A combination of lawyer references and presumed low intelligence puts this squarely in the realm of Jim Jones:

“I play the cards that I’m dealt, don’t matter the hand/Lawyer tell me play dumb like Guerrero/I ain’t sit in the can.”

Tim Raines: There’s two origin stories for Tim Raines being given the nickname “Rock.” The kinder, gentler one says it stems from him being “dumb as a…” The other refers to how he reportedly slid headfirst so as not to crush the crack vials in his back pocket. Raines is still not a Hall Of Famer in spite of his trendsetting and what he brought to the table, so obviously, Illuminati P is a kindred spirit:

“I expose game to y’all lames/stealing base, like early ‘90s/hid Rock Raines in the jeans/you know the cops couldn’t find me.”

Ryan Braun: So, let’s see here: to my knowledge, Ryan Braun is Jewish and he beat out Matt Kemp for MVP. This all adds up to a convoluted ill subliminal at Drake, but who’s taking the bait here? This sounds like a Fabolous moment, right down to the intended mispronunciation of “Braun":

“Always pimped like Kemp/but went from Shawn to Matt/Rihanna-types now no baby mamas and hoodrats/re-upped for six figures, I’d rather wear the crown/your MVP’s lyin’ to y’all like Ryan Braun.”

*Peep the old school "too many syllables" 'ye style in that 2nd line... inspired by Last call, off College Dropout: "nice as bun b when we met-him-at-the-source-awards / he had a girl with him ass coulda-won-the-horse-awards."