Monday, Sep 26 2005

I truly don't have much time this morning. I went for a walk, which was about as lame a walk as I have managed yet. Only 20 minutes. But. I walked. The exercise is obviously not going to get me into the Mrs. (actually I can't be a Mrs.) America contest, so the benefit is me getting out and clearing my head and getting my blood moving and stretching my back and quality time with Ripple. Good enough reasons.

We went to WI for the weekend - to the cottage that my Grandma and Grandpa owned near Hazelhurst/Minocqua, and that my aunt now owns. It was wonderful to camp without camping. We walked and Ripple swam and we had a bonfire, but we also had a shower, stove, fridge, and satellite TV. S rowed Ripple and I across the Lake - picture a hugely pregnant woman who has the balance and reflexes of margarine and an uncertain dog in a small canoe and you can imagine the effort he had to put into it.

We had several heart-to-heart conversations. Friday was a very hard day for me - between a disagreed with my CWFH and uncertainty about whether to go to WI or not, utter confusion about how disconnected I've felt from S, and just plain fatigue I was a basket case. Eventually we talked about it and then had to talk again yesterday because we were heading down the same path. But he said to me, at one point, "You have to tell what you are thinking. I think you just shut down and silently resent me when I don't agree with something you've said or suggested. I need more feedback from you. I usually agree with you anyway when you explain your reasonings." I was SO thankful he could so accurate put his finger on it. He was absolutely right. We talked about how I could/can be more honest and forthright. The hurdles to it are a) sometimes its just more comfortable to me to give up than create conflict and b) usually my reasons seem lame to me once someone disagrees with them, oh and c) sometimes I have truly NO preference, or truly don't mind either option in a situation. Its part of me being so adaptable to most things.

I've been terrified of finding out that he is AJ all over again. That, when I have been trusting in our love to get us through this pregnancy and my insanity, that I will find out he had checked out a while ago and simply drop a bomb and disappear. There has never been such a concerted effort to exercise trust on my part in my life. I shared some of this with him. We agreed we are both incredibly/debilitating sensitive sometimes and that we need to stop/address conflicts right away.

I'm glad we are working so hard on this because even though it feels like it never ends, we are talking things through and out that we haven't talked about before and I just have to think this will make us stronger when it isn't just the two of us. And I just love him so very much.

TMI - sex can serve a variety of purposes in most relationships, but making love with S has always been our way of talking without talking. It is a wonderful thing to have when we just can't see our way from conflict to affirmation.