Monica, Bonnie has some good points. You must follow the course of your heart. I am a moral person but I also understand that I am transgender, finally not lying to myself anymore. The love I share with my wife is real and is unconditional. Do we agree on everything = no. When we married she did not know I was transgender but we have worked it out. I am as close to being female as I dare to be and still keep family and friends. A compromise - yes. If I had known what I now know about myself I would likely be female today; would have transitioned as a youth. More soon - have to go again -- Dawn

Finally I have some time to respond. I really do believe in the friendship and companionship aspect of life. This means a kiss and hug, a laugh together, some shared memories. A true friend is forever - my wife - and I have been together for 40 years and we are firstly just friends. I have almost 100 other friends I have strong ties to. I kind of collect my friendships. Some know of my transgender leanings others do not.

About shorter relationships these all need to be friendships to succeed. The first aspect of being a friend is acceptance and realistic expectations. One does not try to make a friend someone they are not. If you have quirkiness that is you, who you are, this is usually the last thing a friend considerers - this may be something you joke about and actually could draw you closer, as all of us who are real have our quirks. I hope this helps. I know you through your writings to be a wonderful person well deserving of many good comments and relationships. Best to you. Dawn

Companionship a issue - the need to share one's life ... Thanks Monica for asking me to respond - As it is late I will sleep on this and definitely share my thoughts with you tomorrow. I think you are a wonderful person deserving of love and compassion. The other things you mention; the you of you, these are factors of relationships but are not the drivers. See you tomorrow. Best to you - Dawn

Another delightful thread. About Halloween and costumes, I have had the opportunity to wear several costumes lately, Green Lantern, Superman (Pink for Cancer Version), an elf and Avatar and of course as a woman(But not lately). In the last three years, I have been able to go to almost a dozen parties and face paint the kids. (I usually wear a costume/s) Besides doing the kids I usually face paint myself and paint additional examples of my work on my own arm. Rainbows, butterfly's, stars, animals and super heroes. I love to do this. It is my feminine arty nature coming out. I have now been requested at various fairs and I ask for donations. I give the money to children's programs. I too am in my 60's - still enjoying life, stretching myself and taking risks.

About the first thoughts - To me being Transgender doesn't have to mean being female rather it means being closer to the attributes that are labeled as female. I now feel that my condition, who I am, is not a learned thing but rather in-bedded in my DNA. I have always been an explorer; this is my nature. Also, I visualize colors, experience touch sensations and sense sounds in a way that I believe is a female frame of mind. I remember when I found myself putting on my first feminine outfit at about six or seven years. It was a yellow sun suit with green flower embroidery on it. This along with my longer hair made me look like a girl. That was an image etched in my mind. I wore the sun suit and I wanted to show the world it was me inside it, wearing it. It was the little person, girl, me, and it was there before I ever put the item of clothing on. So the article of clothing/adornment brought out my nature and it was what is considered feminine. As I grew up took me forever to mature - most of my life my maleness consisted of being a Pixie or a Peter Pan. I also often masked some of my feelings about wanting a female body by being a clown. The clown gets to wear almost anything and can make people laugh. As a male I did not laugh. The closest I ever felt to being a male was in my Indian heritage. Wearing minimal clothing and being highly adorned. As a kid, I always felt more at home in my own skin when I was wearing feminine styled clothing. Going against the norm (Accepted by most) I am more female than most males. I have been hit on a lot - most want me because of some homosexual attraction. I am not homo. I too hate most of the base male characteristics. Dirty, unkempt, Cursing, corralling. So I am closer to female, but not female, transgender.

My recent gender bender. Went to my hair stylist a couple of weeks ago wearing all women's wear including a bra. (My stylist also does my pedicures and waxes my eyebrows) She told me my hair was now finally long and was longer than most of her women customers as women currently coming to her are now getting shorter cuts. About her she has always been a tall muscular woman. Much heaver than me. She commented that it looked like I had 'lost weight" and that she liked my turquois "earrings" I said I did not think so since I had seen her last. Then I started to think she could see my bra straps or that she knew I was transgender. After she draped me in pink we got into a discussion of fitness and she told me she had increased her weight lifting to as much as two hours a day. She asked me to feel her bicep and I did and it was both large and hard. I said you can "feel mine" and she did. 'Soft' was her comment. Then she said it was "OK" and that she was going to make me beautiful and she did. She gave me a very nice feminine haircut; matching my outfit. When I saw my image when she was done I actually felt I was passable as a woman leaving her salon. The attached photo was taken after the visit; me in a dress. Dawn

Hello Dawn - Looking at your first posts I have a similar experience - still not totally the same - but similar. My therapist also told me she has me categorized as transgender, I am one of two, that I know she councils. Because of this she had told me it is OK to wear women's clothing that is more gender neutral to what I feel. Also, I do wear a bra occasionally as I do have some natural breast. (Size B ) I would love to have a bra fit but Have not done this. As you also talk about, I know my transgender part is inside me not just a sin I cannot control but actually part of who I am. I will post more and look more at your blog when I have time. Dawn (13)

So difficult to sort out the feelings versus the male body I have underneath. Three days ago, I just was talking to one of my best girl friends when we were at a running expo - she was part of a staff selling running skirts when I stopped at her booth. "I told her it was so unfair." (That men - feminine looking men like me - are ostracized when openly wanting to wear a cute stylish shirt in a race or run). She showed me a new product that they finally have developed. A collet short for men made of the same fabric as the shirt/s and almost a skirt in form. I bought one of these with a matching unisex headband. She actually got the same matching skirt so at some point we hope to get a picture of us both together wearing our matching outfits.

The real point is even though I go to counceling about my being transgender - there is definitely something inside of me that goes beyond my desire to be a straight male in thought and body. Over time I have actually become more feminine in looks to better accommodate my feelings; I now have very long hair, two earrings I wear all of the time, a weight closer to that of a women allowing me to wear junior's shorts and tops; some new breast tissue to the point I now can and actually need to wear my new sports bras. Still I go out primarily as a male as I did in a recent running race. I remember at the race a girl runner actually saying as she walked by in a hearable voice to another runner. Isn't that a woman (Looking at me). Other guy friend said - no its a man.

I am now happier in my own skin. My therapist told me it is OK to wear unisex items and girls items, shorts/tops, that are kind of unisex. She did tell me that I should not wear a skirt because of what it appears to do to my mind. But again - this is really who I am, a girl, in my mind. Dawn

What a fun day today - new Goodwill store opened and I looked for American Eagle shorts and jeans and a sport top - I found several that fit; size 10 and 8's. I was dressed in my male clothes with a ball hat on. My longer pony tail evident as well as my earring's. One of the shoppers said to me "Mam do you know which tags are the discounts." Concerned about my voice I hesitated then I told her "the red ones." I did not try to correct her to my gender as I was in the women's section trying on women items and actually blending in. Still I was concerned that my voice was telling - still was fun - not even going out-of-my-way to look feminine and still being coded as a woman.

A shop clerk told me she really like my necklace today. I was dressed in girls jeans and a nice sport top. Not sure if she was coding me as female - but was thinking this when she talked to me. I had just got back from a beauty salon and had my hair colored, long styled shoulder length haircut and had my brows waxed. Here are a couple of shots of my hair.

Adding my latest here - was at Red Lobster two days ago and the store manager asked "Ladies how was our service." (Just me and my wife). My wife said it must be the glasses and hair as I was dressed in boy mode. Then just yesterday I was going through a security point and the guard first said "sir" as I went through and then corrected himself and said "sorry I meant to say mam."

My latest Florida Adventure - Just last week I was at a swim meet in FL and when I entered the pool area, with pack on my back and bag in hand one of the regular members of the pool said to me "Mam the women's changing area is around the corner." during the period of the swim meet I was referred to as mam several times and at one restaurant the door was opened for me as the owner said "welcome in Ladies" for me and my wife. Also when I was at the meet I was actually able to notice how much bigger my chest appeared compared to some of the women there. Definitely could see how I was getting mixed up. (And enjoying it) Below are photos showing my hair - as long as I have worn it since I was in my teens. Also. one of my jogging shots (Not wearing a single men's clothing item; but a very feminine running outfit). Dawn

May latest trip to Florida resulted in several occasions of me being mistaken for a girl - on three occasions I heard either a sales clerk or a waitress call me mam. They almost always caught the mistake but the confusion was evident. The most interesting occurrence and scary was while I was in a tourist store looking at sun visors. I was wearing fairly short denim shorts, legs and arms were shaved and tan, and had my hair in a pony tail; other than that I was in fairly normal for me boy mode. I noticed a handsome guy who was looking at me and was kind of following me around the store. As I was trying to decide what visor was the best one, a pink, purple, white or blue one, he came over really close into my space and put his hand on my shoulder and started to assist me. I also noticed he appeared to have a ....-on. First I thought he worked for the store. He told me his choice for me would be the pink one. As the conservation went along he asked me for some money. No pretext - I could tell he had been drinking. At this point I became quite nervous and was worried me might try to rob me. Summoning some courage, I told him I knew he had been drinking, and that I would not give him any money. He then asked me if I could drive him home; he said I seemed like I would be a "really good girlfriend." I knew then that he was hitting on me hoping to take me home with him. He then proceeded to show me some large circular designer earrings that he thought would look good on me. I was flattered but I had become really nervous at this time and was concerned that I might need help to get away. He was fairly muscular and tall and I knew I was smaller and puny next to him so I was glad I was in a large store so I could get away from him. Still after I had put some distance between him and me I did feel a rush. Wow, he really thought I was a woman. Dawn

Today I was driving to the board of elections for election training. I was in boy mode and had my hair in a pony tail. I was not trying to look female at all and never during the entire five minute conservation did I try to disguise my voice. When I went into a parking structure near the meeting location to park and I asked the attendant if he knew if this was the right place to park for the election training. He called me "mam" and said he was not aware of the class. He then asked was I trying go to the meeting place for the "league of women voters." he said he could direct me there. I could tell now that he thought I was a woman. He finally directed me to the right location after calling me "Mam" twice more and asked me again if I really was looking for a meeting with the league of woman voters. When he gave me the directions he was really patronizing to me, asking me twice did I understand the directions. (After I left I was thinking he thought I was a woman and in his mind did not expect me to be good with directions)

I believe my brows are not over done. Just well shaped. Maybe you can see them better in the three photos I recently took from a day when I went running in a local park.Thanks for your complements. Best to you both.

Thanks for the complement - just last night my wife commented on that I really do look like a woman these days, even without makeup. She said my small body coupled with longer curly blond hair and my arched brows really made it difficult for people to see me as a male. Actually she was a bit niffed at this as she thinks I rival her in looks.

Great story. Must have been some attraction going on when he started a conversation with a question.

Even when I was in similar situations where I am fully dressed, and I knew I was very passable, I also get nervous and concerned about my voice giving me away. The neatest thing is when I am not dressed up female and still called mam - even my male sounding voice doesn't seem to make any difference, I am type cast as female.

I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of most men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.

Wow! Today. I was at Dicks Sporting Goods looking for some tennis panties and a superman shirt. I started looking first for the Under Armor, pink for breast cancer superman shirts and a male sales representative said "Mam can I help you." Because I was really trying to look male today, I corrected him. Then he told me he saw my "long blond hair," under my ball cap and thought I was a girl. I explained to him that I was retired and felt free to wear my hair long. He then helped me find the right size. Ended up being a boys XL. Then I went over to the women's section looking for a short that would work well under my NIKE tennis dress. Looking at the clearance rack I also found a couple of unisex looking sport T's. I was just a bit concerned that I was now being read as a male. But the store was quite large and I had really only talked with a couple of the dozen or so sales reps that were there. As I was shopping the female store manager who was doing some restocking, asked me if I needed help. I said no, but after I had made my selections I asked her if she could help me into a dressing room. (Apparently my male voice did not turn the tide as she read me as female) Without batting an eye she took me directly to the woman's dressing room. This time I did not correct her as I went right in. This is when I had a really pleasant surprise. The room was full of women's sportswear right there for me to try on. (Capris and winter outerwear.) Whoever was in the room before me must have been close to my size as almost everything fit. I actually bought two of these outfits and I may post photos of me wearing them. I am sure after I left the sales staff may be having a chuckle as I expect they will trade notes and figure out I was a guy. Still this was a truly interesting adventure for me today. Dawn :)