Collin Cowgill

You, “Hey, look at that, I’m in a crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league and everyone in this league that I’m talking to myself about is well-versed in this fantasy baseball shizz because they are also in this crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league yet they forgot to draft Matt Holliday. Cool!” Yeah, that’s not going to happen. If you’re drafting from guys in the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball, your league is deep and you know you’re not going to get much from these guys. Potatoes to chips, most of these guys will be worth owning at some point in the season. In keepers and single league, uh, leagues, most should be owned from the jump, if ‘from the jump’ means what I think it does when kids say it. Now get off my lawn! Here’s all of the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. If you’re joining us late, here’s the top 20 outfielders, top 40 outfielders, top 60 outfielders and top 80 outfielders. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Now, it makes sense. That’s Justin Smoak and Dustin Ackley sitting in bathtubs overlooking Mt. Rainier. “The beans acting up on you, Smoaky the Bear?” “Why do you ask, Ackalacka?” “Cause I heard bubbles coming up in your tub.” “Nah, I get bubbles in my tub when I get an erection.” The move to Seattle will definitely reduce injury risk for Kendrys Morales. Not because he’s now assured a DH role, but because he can’t hit homers as easily. Snap in an inverted W formation! Kendrys is listed as a Latin 29. If you think he’s 29 years old, I have a bridge in Nova Scotia made of smoked salmon to sell you. It smells and it’s greying on the edges, but it’s worth a lot in retail at the butcher. “Saul, I can get my hands on a bridge made of lox, can you resell it?” That’s you talking to your butcher. Kendrys took forever to come back from his limp-off homer, but finally looked to be in a groove in the 2nd half of last season (14 homers in 238 ABs). He’s a possible Zombino, even though if he’s really 29 that shouldn’t apply. 29? Ha! And I’m fifteen with the most beautiful mustache that your deity of choice ever created! Please! His numbers at Safeco aren’t nearly as bad as you might think. In 120 ABs, his line is 19/7/23/.292/1. I’ve seen worse. Nick Punto in any ballpark over the course of three seasons combined. That’s worse. I imagine now people will look at Morales with a real puss on their faces because he’s in Seattle, but, while the park and lineup aren’t great, he doesn’t have to worry about platooning randomly whenever the Sciosciapath feels like it. For 2013, I’m still going to predict a bounce back for Kendrys, even though I was thinking of an even bigger one before this trade. The projected stat line I’ll give him is 77/26/89/.272. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Yo, Meteorologist Grey here and I’m standing in Chesapeake Bay to show you how high the water has risen. It’s usually up to my waist, but, as you can see, the water is now up to my shoulders. Would I normally be standing in Chesapeake Bay if there was no hurricane? Please, blog, may I have some more?

While balancing a book on their head, the Blue Jays were poised to call up Brett Lawrie just when he fractured his hand. That’s worst timing than the guy down at your local Chuckles nightclub doing an open mic set. But flip our Supreme Buddha In Funny Poses day calender two months later and the hand is healed. Please, blog, may I have some more?

Collin Cowgill sounds like a Texas radio personality or a DC Comic character, but is actually the Diamondbacks’ fifth round pick from 2008 that is killing the minor leagues. (That’s the urbandictionary killing, which is actually good. I’m hip, snitches!) In 97 games, 13 homers and 29 steals with a .354 average. Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ve ignored the Padres number 11 ranked prospect long enough, Jedd Gyorko (3B). Do keep in mind he’s playing in the California League (High-A), yet his numbers are still impressive. In 332 at-bats, he is slashing .367/.433/.642 with 53 XBH (18 Hr, 35 2B), 11 steals and a 60:38 K:BB ratio. Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Run Down
The 2009 Baseball America has a great quote to summarize the state of the Diamondbacks minor league system, “[Arizona has] created a roadmap of how to tumble from the top ranking to near the bottom in near record time. Please, blog, may I have some more?