Its a world full of Monkeys!

Me me me me me me me and maybe you if I feel like it.

Thursday, April 03, 2014

Cleggorn 3 Rise of the FaRAGE

I'm going to be writing this post as a kind of fake live blog. I'm watching the final speech between Nick Clegg and Nigel FaRAGE on whether the UK is better off on or out of the EU. You know my views, if you don't just read the previous post.
The actual debate can be found on the BBC iplayer.

Here we go.

The bouncing man with the rage begins. Most of our laws are now made in EU apparently. I didn't know the EU set our national budget, our defence policies, our enviro..oh that one they do. Nonsensical sound bite. However we're not anti-Europe, we want to trade with the EU we just don't want to be in a political union. The political union which is focused on the trade laws that enable us to trade with each other on a fair footing. The laws that would be impossible to police without a political union. Guess what part of that the rage man didn't point out.

Cleggorn rebuttal..."if its too good to be true it is". We can't trade with the Europe and punch above our weight on the world scale without the EU. BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY WHY YOU FUCK TARD! Answer him point for point. The world has changed is not a good enough answer. I suppose, "there is strength in numbers", is the only real argument he just made.

Rage mans idea of birth right that we lose the ability to self govern...he needs to be told that to trade with Europe on our current terms in the single market we would give up our vote to decide what happens in the common market. We trade more with Europe than the emerging world to his other comment. This is extremely disheartening. Kill the fucker with facts not word play!

Cleggorn strikes! Yes we need to be in it to reform it! Well done knob it only took you 10 minutes.

Ooooooook the EU is a danger for peace for their influence on Ukraine?! Fuck me FaRAGE is a twat. What the fuck Clegg?! You then go talk about Syria...stay on Ukraine donkey.

What the fuck has anything got to with SYRIA?! When did Syria become part of the EU?! Talk about derailment. Clegg you fucking muppet. That was about 5 minutes of waste there.

15 minutes in! Clegg tells us 50% of our trade is with the EU. Well done! Only 15 minutes.

European Airforce, European Army...errm Nato twat.

485 million people are aiming to coming to the UK are they? Hmmm...right. The population of the EU is 500 million including our 63 odd million. So more than the population of the EU are planning on moving here from the EU....ok.

That's a bit racist Clegg, why are you only talking about the Czech's we have in place what about the Poles?! (Sorry slightly bored)

Those housing stats Mr Rage just stated sound very fishy. We need more houses excluding immigration so I'm not entirely sure that has much to do with immigration.

He doesn't recognise the leaflet from his own party now. Yeah serious politician this guy.

Cleggorn needs to tell us why we need immigration as well, not just the problems it creates.

Where the hell are Rage's reports coming from?! The Numpty economic foundation?

Yes the white working under class Nigel...and yes they've done badly in education...maybe we should do something about that last part that you just waved away?

Some good general blows there from the Cleggeron to point out how much of a small minded little man Mr Rage is.

Oh Mr Rage knows that London has a poor afro-Caribbean community...it has a poor white working class as well twat. Try not to talk about race dick head, we already think you're racist.

It's not against EU rules to prevent educating immigrants. That's just fucking retarded Nigel. No you can't say you can't come to the UK cause you can't speak English but you can demand they learn English.

Needs to talk more about Trans-Atlantic trade agreement. FaRAGE will have literally no come back. We can trade with errrm India and China...oh wait they don't give a shit about us on our own.

Environment: "This act of unilateralism is hurting us"...so it's ok for us to do things alone but not for the EU to go alone on environmental goals. What a twat.

Aluminium smelting....what the fuck, the Chinese do that for practically free dickhead. We don't have an economic advantage in these industrial processes anyway that's why we don't have them here any more.

Shale gas is being looked at you fucking mong.

Wow nice example of our representative being asked to leave WTO negotiations...could that be because we had a representative in the EU? Could it be that we get a massive say in how the EU negotiates with the WTO because we're a large member?

Iceland have agreed free trade with China cause they don't trade that much...ours would be slightly more complicated. Population of Iceland 320 thousand, population of the UK 63 MILLION. Yes good example Nigel.

FINALLY! FINALLY THE FUCKING CLEGGORN GETS TO THE POINT! 40 minutes in. Norway and Switzerland are part of the Free trade area, have to pay to be part of it AND Obey the rules that Rage doesn't want and will have to if we still want to be in the single market, which Rage wants and we get no say in what these rules are at all.

Hey bitch it's not a Customs Union any more, it hasn't been a Customs Union since the dawn of the single market from 1992. BITCH.

Norwegians do have freedom of movement within the EU and so do the Swiss. BITCH.

The EU's bureaucrats ARE elected it's just that they're elected by people you elect...the democratic problem with the EU is the degree of separation from the electorate. The EU parliament is elected by you and they have just been given the power to vote for Commissioners. BITCH Cleggeorn should've said that but he's to much of a pussy to point it out.

RAGE you're lying about your made up numbers so I wouldn't talk about Cleggeron making things up.

On the referendum: You will give the wrong answer cause your not given all the facts because people like RAGE keep using fake made up numbers to scare the piss out of you. Maybe we should have a referendum and we should exit so we can see the clusterfuck.

When they vote in Brussels they make laws..OH REALLY?! No shit. Who voted for the people that vote in Brussels? YOU, directly because you vote in European elections right? Oh you didn't know that's what it's for? Oh well, now you do. Enjoy that new found power.

The single market isn't 500 million people trading unhindered it's not complete yet. There are sectors like communication that are still protected.

Yes let's talk about the rise of worrying political parties...your party Mr Rage.

Mr Rage doesn't know what would've happened if we joined the Euro...no one does. The Eurozone crisis might not have ever have happened if we were in it...but he won't say that.

HAHAHA The common market is out dated now. I don't know where to start there. I wont.

That's it then. That was a fairly crappy debate. I'm not entirely sure it would convince anyone either way. An opportunity missed. More hard fact bashing down FaRAGE's reports and made up numbers are needed. I'm disappointed in the Cleggorn..although I might have resorted to swearing and just beating the shit out of Rage so he did well in restraining himself.

Hope this wasn't too upsetting for you all to read. It probably hurt me more to watch that shit if it helps. Go get yourself some Belgian chocolate to cheer yourself up.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Clegeron 2: Judgement Day

It's late in the evening of Wednesday 23rd January 2013 and by now most of the country has heard at least one aspect of Mr Cameron's speech on Britain and the EU, one aspect, which in fairness is the most important detail. Should the Conservatives win the next general election the world will end UK will have a referendum on whether it wants to stay in the European Union or not.

Those of you that know me will know my feelings on this matter, as a staunch supporter of the EU I am pretty much frothing at the mouth with rage(note: not gash).

However, It's not that bad, the speech that is. Some of it is even pretty good, it's a pretty a Pro European speech to start off with, hell he even mentioned expanding the single market. The problems start when is he starts stating what he wants, he seems utterly confused as to what he wants. He wants to stay in, wants to be in the single market and have a say in how it's run but he doesn't want to be bound by EU regulations. He mentions working time directive as a negative but then says he understands the single market needs rules to function.

I was surprised the Eurosceptic Tory MP's are OK with this...then I realise they've achieved what they wanted, a referendum.

Mr David Cameron has placed the interests of his party before the interests of an entire nation. A party that has absolutely zero seats in the British houses of commons and only 21,000 members has forced the prime minister of the United Kingdom on potentially the most economically destructive path this nation has ever known in peacetime. 21,000 people causing the destruction of an economy of 63,183,000. That's such a low percentage that my calculator has gone spastic trying to explain it to me.

This is going to effect the economy right now. It's not something that we have to deal with in 5 years time. We'll see foreign investment decline due to uncertainty about what we're doing, which exactly what this economy DOESN'T need now of all times.In the medium term the EU and US are starting negotiations for a free trade area. How are we going to fit into that?

Taking a break from frothing at the gash for a moment. We will have a chance to re-negotiate some of our membership with the EU. In fact the current path of reform required to sort out the Eurozone countries will require us to change our membership status but we are not going to be able to extract ourselves from nearly enough policies as the Eurosceptic gash frothers want us too. There is no way in hell he's going to be able to satisfy these people. The Germans have already stated we will not be able to cherry pick our policies, the French have stated EU membership is not an a la carte menu. There are actually proper economic reasons why a single market leads to "an ever greater union". Put extremely simply, you need an ever greater union to police the single market. That's a very simple view by the way but it's the simplest way to explain it.

To the rest of the EU it looks like we've just put a gun to their heads and told them to reform. That's not going to work. That's not how diplomacy works. We'll get compromise and that's it and like I said earlier, that's not enough for Eurosceptic cumslingers.

If we vote out for some reason, we're fucked with a capital F. I'd go as far as saying that if there is a doubt by the time the referendum is due Davy Cuntron might backtrack like a mother fucker on steroids, or attempt to anyway...it might be too late to backtrack by then though.

In 5 years time he might be the most destructive thing to ever happen to this country and he might not have meant any of it to happen. Let's not forget that Scotland is having referendum before this.

The reason I fear the referendum so much is the amount of misinformation and misconceptions out there, propagated by right wing media.

EU in Belgium, Belgium interests get dealt with at higher priority. ”UK” parliament in Westminster, who's interests get highest priority?

That is a real comment from someone in regards to why the EU parliament is in Brussels and it's effects. The person genuinely believes that because the Parliament is in Brussels the Belgians get a higher priority than the UK. I know dear reader that I don't need to explain this to you but I will because it's what I have to do from now until the time this referendum is finished with. The EU parliament is based on proportional representation, the larger the population of a region the larger it's say in the parliament.

So what can we take from his speech, Some say it's ambitious, some say it's reckless. I'll say you FUCKING Tory Cunt!

I'm going to actually have to do some political type bullshit now. I can't stand by and let this cunt do this.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Blow those debts away with JizzO.

Putney, London, United Kingdom. Cumminington technologies, the people that bought the world the revolutionary .Jizz format, announces the launch of a revolutionary new currency, JizzO. The JizzO is a unique currency backed by male fluid extractions. Namely life providing seaman. In times of economic austerity it has become hard for the average man/woman to earn a living salary through norminal means such as a "job" or "property investment". Therefore the economists and scientists at Cummington reasearch have created JizzO the most enjoyable way of earning and spending a living known to mankind.
Samples of male sperm will be accepted at all participating banks.

We are pleased to announce progressive talks with Greek authorities to introduce the JizzO as the replacement of the Euro.
President Papadoplis of Greece reveals why JizzO is the key to future prosperity of his country:

The Greek people have spoken with their vote and their message is clear, we do not want to pay for our services. We reject austerity. We are the eldest western civilisation, we are above these petty fines known as taxes. The Greek way of life is one of leisure, we do not care about such menial things as financial stabilty. If someone does not pay us we say it's ok, share a bottle of Raki with us and debts are solved. It is the rest of the worlds problem that they do not share this way of life. We will not change! This is why JizzO is the ideal solution it provides a means of exchanging our great natural resource of Jizz and spectacular women for your puny currency in order for us to maintain or glorious life.

For regulatory reasons JizzO seaman will only be available for procreation in countries of poor fiscal accountability in order to prevent the possible contamination of financially stable economies. Excessive Jizzing may lead to blindless.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Manchester United show the third way.

Everyone's favourite £700 ($1.1b) million pound in debt, $1.8b (£1.15b) valued club, has shown the footballing world the way of the future. Sign players that don't even have homes.

The football club that arguably led football into the commercial era, by becoming one of the first football clubs to be floated as a PLC, is also leading the football world into a new era of austerity through the £7.4m signing of Portuguese forward Bebe .

Players are signed all the time, what makes this so special? The fact that just 3 years ago Bebe was playing in a tournament for homeless people. In 3 short years he has gone from a life living on the street (Orphanage homes, but that doesn't sound as good) to playing for the biggest club in the world.

The signing may usher in a new era of massive wealth re-distribution where lower level football clubs scout homeless players and then sell them onto premier league clubs for a handsome profit. Not only will this re-distribute wealth between football clubs but also drag literally 1 person off the poverty line. A bold new dawn.

Advice now being given to budding young players is to run away from home and become homeless. This way you will learn the ways of "street" football where playing the wrong pass or missing a shot could lead to the player going hungry or worse being stabbed in the neck whilst being eaten alive by your fellow starving homeless team mates. This survival of the fittest environment ensures the player learns the technical aspects fast and develops at to a level rarely seen at mollycoddled working class kid level. Homeless for a better home in the future (or death).

Premier league clubs are now investing heavily into human tracking devices so they can invest in a player safe in the knowledge that they wont run off with all their small change and silverware the moment the managers look away. More of a problem for clubs like Manchester United than clubs like Liverpool. Other costs involved in the transformation of a homeless player into a football star include the basic education of the player as well as teaching them that they do not need to fight for food in a bin. Newcastle and Leeds united have excellent facilities and experience in teaching "rough round the edges" players these basic life lessons. Many clubs will now tap into this resource, a boon for the newly promoted Premier league and championship teams.

From the above graph it appears the board at Manchester United are astute followers of the economic cycle. First in June 1991 at the end of a recession they became one of the first publicly floated football clubs. To the lay man or chav that doesn't mean they became the first football club to do a shit in public, it means they were the first club to sell shares in it's self. Sell part ownership of the club to the general public to raise funds. Then again in June 2005 they were bought out by reclusive greedy fat man Malcom Glazer through a massive loan of some £660million pounds. The loan has thrown the club into debt and thus the first major club to be thrown into austerity.A truly shrewd piece of business by the man utd board. As you can see the peak of the investment curve, which I have just made up, is the summer of 1999. The time of the treble. From this you could deduce that the next major trophy haul at the club will arrive in 2015 and the club will change ownership in 2020.

No you fucktard, I'm not being serious. I look forward to hearing about my grammatical mistakes.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Fabio on England and world cup glory

These English peasant fools know cazzo! My, how you say, ravioli know how to play better football. You take them out of 4-4-2 and they act like Chez Berlusconi in brothel. They know not what to do! I tell Walcott you come in when the midfield needs, he goes ejaculating on the side, Vaffanculo, Walcott, vaffanculo!! I tell you there is something wrong with you English.

Chez captain Cannavaro he is the man we need. A beautiful man, you would not care if he slept with your wife. In fact I have slept with him and my wife. I was pleased to have him inside me. Many of the Italian team have enjoyed his pleasures; it was the key to success in 2006 . Instead I have to deal with il cazzo Terry and Rio. Who would allow either of these merda’s inside of them? I have had to summon ultimate cunt Carragher to relieve the hatred from the Terry, I sacrifice much for this cazzo. Do not speak of the Rooney. Giving Rooney the captaincy would wipe out the squad, no one would play, and everyone would be as Hargreaves. Perhaps this Ashley Cole, he seems to be a nice boy, but the boy has a face you would like to punch repeatedly till you extract puttanesca from him.

For this reason you must listen to me, we will not be winning the world cup, you tell your sun we will not be winning. You tell them, remove the Venabals from your airways. His shame was complete 12 years ago; do not torture the poor man. It is my time to take the long walk for football; I shall take the burden of your lacklustre team alone. This is the reason you shall see a team filled with Tottenham players, you are used to seeing these players underperform and collapse under pressure. Do not let recent glories delude you, this will occur once more. Perhaps viewing the same lasagne fearing underperformers will ease your pain. Perhaps they will fear the wrath of my lasagne so much that they will perform. Perhaps, do not expect much.

I leave you with these wise words: When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think the sardines will be thrown into the sea. The seagulls follow English pig dogs, they follow!

Following the above statement a local Englishman was asked for his thoughts:

Fucking I-tie woofter. E dont know shite. What kind of nancy boys does E fink E manages? This IS ENG-ERR-LAND prick! We aint gonna take each other up the arse! We only do dat to our sisters! Dirty I-tie. Sack the prick and dump him im in Daggenham, we'll show the spagetti eating twat team spirit till he's shitting spagbol out iz arse. ENG-ERR-LAND, ENG-ERR-LAND, ENG-ERR-LAND, Come on ENG-ERR-LAND

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Rise of the Clegeron : Clegeron NOW

We carry on from the amazing tales of Clegeron Begins. If you haven't read the previous post, good for you. You just saved 5 minutes of your life.

A hung parliament is defined by every lazy persons favourite reference site (Wikipedia) as:

Under a parliamentary system of government, a hung parliament (also known as a minority parliament, a balanced parliament or no overall control) is a legislature in which no political party has an absolute majority of seats.

No one party has an absolute majority of seats. No one wins. In the UK you need 326 seats to have a majority. As the wonderful above graphic, provided to us by the BBC, clearly shows that no one party has 326 seats. No one has won the election outright. If we are to use the second measure of how a fair election is won, by the number of votes placed for a party then the Conservatives win. However that is not how a parliamentary election is decided.

In order to form a government 2 parties would have to agree not to fuck each other up at every turn. So talks began between the parties. Well the Lib Dem's started to talk to both the other large parties (labour and Conservatives), conservatives first as they had one the most seats. As these talks progressed the gopher decided that he would make the ultimate sacrifice and agree to step down as labour leader no later than September in attempt at making a lib/lab coalition tastier than con/lib coalition. After all labour had lost the election even if no one had won it, so it was quite right that the leader of the losing party should not be prime minister in any future government.

Obviously the Tory press went into spaz mode at the thought of Labour getting back into power with the above headlines. Surprisingly though it was the broadcast media that went into full on retard mode showing surprising ignorance of our political system. With commenter's AND presenters both asking the question: "How can a party that has lost the election go onto form a government?!"

Look at the graphic at the top again, the one that shows the seats the number of seats won in this election. No party reaches the 326 "winning post". NO ONE FUCKING WON! Yet hour after hour you hear the same shit on the 24 hour news channels, even the news programs on regular channels. How can a party that has lost the election go onto form a government? By forming a coalition with other parties. Now your probably asking the same questions everyone did at the time, but they didn't win the popular vote. True but if you add the votes for Labour and the Lib Dem's easily more people voted for them. Put another way more people didn't vote for the conservatives than did. So any Lib/Lab coalition would have the popular vote.

The talks with labour to form a coalition to prevent the conservatives from gaining power for one reason or another failed. I believe it was probably the fact that labour were stuck up and didn't want to compromise on their manifesto as much as the conservatives were willing too. Basically the Tory's probably wanted it more and thus were willing to compromise.

The Conservatives and Liberal Democrats eventually struck a deal forming a proper coalition where both parties work together. The Clegeron has arisen.

However listening to the radio and hearing the comments of some of the public people were baffled by this. "Why is da guy dat came third deciding who run's ma life?!".... He's not, "he" ,toff man and the gopher, were working on a deal to form a strong "stable" coalition government to get us out of this economic situation we are in.

Whether or not this coalition lasts or works is a different story altogether. One that I cant be arsed to discuss with myself. My opinion on the coalition it's self is that it's the best deal for the country out of some shit options. I would've preferred a Lib/Lab coalition but that would've just hurt labour's popularity till it destroyed it's self.

This way labour can recover in opposition and renew it's self with a new leadership and less a Orwellian doctrine, hopefully. Meanwhile hopefully again, the Lib Dem's can try and curb the right wing leanings of the Conservatives. We have already seen this with the Conservatives putting plans to up the inheritance tax threshold to £1 Million on hold and instead adopting the Lib dim priority of abolishing the income tax for people that earn less than £10k (poor mofo's init). On the flip side the Conservatives maintain their resistance to the EU (dumb fucks)by making sure that any attempts to transfer more power to the EU be put to a public vote (cause the public really know alot about the EU...) and have made the lib Dem's put on hold their plans of joining the EU.

A new dawn in British politics may or may not have emerged after this election, my worry is that the Lib Dem's will bend over backwards to try and keep the conservatives happy, give up too much and lose any popularity they ever had. That would be a disaster. We need an alternative to Labour and the Conservatives.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Rise of the Clegeron: Clegeron Begins.

As the sun set on Britain last night a new era of peace and co-operation was ushered in. The birds sang the sun shone through the stadium and the wind was not beating down the trees. That long saught after age of peace amongst men has arisen, as the news outlets of this nation claim.

In reality what we are faced with is an intriguing coalition government between the centre left lib dems and the "centre" right wing cuntservatives. A once in a generation opportunity for the lib dems to make a difference in government as opposed to perennially sitting on the opposition benches of Parliament desperately viaing for attention while the nations retarded tory press constantly ignored them.

(If your waiting for this to get funny you should probably skip to the picture of the chav, if you dont know what one looks like, welcome to our planet, please dont rape and pillage us. )

Well the time for mass ignorance of the Liberal Democats has long sinced passed now. Ever since the first leaders debate the public have taken to the previously unknown Nick Clegg. The party was just considered a local government party a party. No more. The headlights of national power have shone on the party ever since the first debate and the first surge, that was until the actual day of the election.

As exit polls came in it became apparent that the British people suffered from a serious case of amnesia when it came to voting in the booth. Perhaps they needed a picture of Nick Clegg next the lib dem logo, perhaps with a kissing pose. The exit polls showed that the Lib-dems had actually lost seats despite a surge in polls that showed them almost equal with the Tory scum. The voting system had failed them again. 23% of the public vote only 6% behind labour yet they only get 57 seats compared to labours 255. That's our democracy right there, rapeing you with numbers till you scream for mercy from one of the big two, the evil right or the evil left. The moderate centre left gets shafted yet again.

Well not this time cause there was some sense in the voting, the people spoke with their voice and it was probably the correct result, a hung parliament, arrived at by mistake probably, but arrived at none the less. In my language: None of you tossers are good enough, do it together. In chav: Yo blod you best get yo honky ass wit dem other honky's and sort this yo, Shaz let's fuck and make baby to get some dough! In toff: Oh one does say that one can't have these communist's ruin our estate, we must rise up, Sharon fetch me my shotgun I have fox to kill. In BNP: Blimey, Nuff with these Paki's!

Now comes the most retarded part of the entire tale, yes it get's even more special. The astounded confusion of the nation. That's all for Part 1. If you skipped to the chav, there is no funny part. Look out for Part 2 when I can be arsed. Oh and if you find any spelling or grammatical mistakes, do let me know.