The Ninth Gate in 15 Minutes

Work Text:

INT. SOME RICH GUY'S APARTMENT

JOHNNY DEPPI am a rare book dealer and a totally unsympathetic character. I smoke while handling books worth thousands of dollars. I will give you $4000 for this copy of Don Quixote and then sell it to some other sucker for way way more than that.

AUDIENCEYou know, you can get an e-text of it for free on the Internet.

JOHNNY DEPPShh.

FEMALE & GAY MALE AUDIENCEOoo, it's Johnny! He is so cute and brooding!

JOHNNY DEPPEven playing a scarred pasty guy with knives for hands didn't destroy my pretty boy image. Can't we do something to make me look bad so people will think I'm a serious actor?

WARDROBE PEOPLEOK, we'll go nerdy. Here's some glasses.

DEPP puts on the glasses.

FEMALE & GAY MALE AUDIENCEOoo, glasses! Johnny is so cute!

JOHNNY DEPPCrap.

INT. SOME RICH GUY'S OFFICE.

FRANK LANGELLAI played Dracula. I am creepy. I am a corrupt businessman obsessed with Satan. Work for me. You can trust me.

AUDIENCEHey, from the trailers I thought the fire was supposed to be caused by something supernatural. When is the supernatural stuff going to happen?

JOHNNY DEPPFrank, I think you are killing people and framing me for their murders.

FRANK LANGELLANotice that I make no attempt to deny this. Keep working for me.

JOHNNY DEPPOK.

INT. TRAIN. TRAINS ARE VERY EUROPEAN AND MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE'RE ON JUNIOR YEAR ABROAD.

DEPP is being followed by EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR.

EMANUELLE SEIGNEURI am Satanic. You can tell because I have blonde hair and black eyebrows.

JOHNNY DEPPWho are you? Why are you following me? Why don't you bleach your eyebrows too?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEURSorry, but I answer questions evasively so the audience will find me mysterious. Also, I am imperturbable. Everyone but you has already figured out that I have supernatural powers of some kind. I've decided to follow you around and occasionally help you out of trouble.

JOHNNY DEPPWhy would you want to help an unsympathetic character like me?

JOHNNY DEPPThanks. I'm going to look for the people who stole the Satanic book from me. Want to come with me?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEURWhat will you do if you find them?

JOHNNY DEPPProbably hide behind you, like I did behind Christina Ricci and that ten-year-old boy in Sleepy Hollow.

AUDIENCEStop that! THIS IS NOT SLEEPY HOLLOW!

INT. SATANIC ORGY SITE.

AUDIENCEOh, goody! Satanic orgy coming up!

The ORGY is just about to start when FRANK LANGELLA walks in, steals the Satanic book and strangles the High Priestess. Her 50 Satanic friends stand there and do nothing, because that is what movie Satanists always do when their Black Masses are interrupted.

AUDIENCEWhat, no orgy?

JOHNNY and EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR run outside. There are a lot of Satanists running around panicking, but we don't find out why because we follow JOHNNY who is following FRANK LANGELLA.

AUDIENCEOh, this must be where all the supernatural stuff in the trailer comes in.

FRANK LANGELLA sets fire to stuff.

AUDIENCEThat's it? The movie's almost over. When does the supernatural stuff happen?

JOHNNY DEPPI now believe in the supernatural, even though nothing supernatural has happened during this movie.

JOHNNY and EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR have wild sex and she looks like she's turning into a demon.

AUDIENCEThat happened in Conan.

JOHNNY DEPPWhat is the secret of how to raise the Devil and get cool powers?

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They bring a golden apple, but there's only one apple, and three fanfic writers. A reader is asked to decide which one will get it. The first writer promises a thinky story full of meta. The second writer offers a long multi-chapter epic. The third one, the hottest NC-17 fic in the fandom...

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