On the surface, relational aggression might not look like aggression at all. Relational aggression hurts its victims with social exclusion, gossip, and subtle manipulation instead of physical violence and causes harm by damaging the victim's relationship with others. It is common among adolescent girls (but not exclusive to this group). For many people, relational aggression is just an unfortunate part of their experience at school; however, this type of bullying can have lasting, harmful effects on its victims, so it’s important for students, parents, and teachers to be able to recognize it and put a stop to it. You can learn to spot relational aggression by informing yourself about what relational aggression is, learning about the bullying techniques used in relational aggression, and recognizing the effects of relational aggression on victims.

Steps

Part 1

Identifying the Behaviors

1

Notice whether children exclude others. Bullies who use relational aggression gain much of their power from ignoring a victim or excluding them from a social group. Giving someone the “silent treatment” is a form of exclusion. Bullies may also laugh at or whisper about a victim when the victim can see or hear them.[1]

Bullies who engage in relational aggression may act “hot and cold” in their relationships, acting friendly towards a victim one day and shunning them the next.

2

Listen for name-calling. Bullies often label their victims negatively or call them names. Name-calling is an easy way for bullies to gain a sense of power by singling another child out and making them feel different or inferior.[2]

Name-calling, teasing, or other put-downs are damaging enough, but it can be especially harmful when part of relational aggression, as these put-downs are often coming from people the victim considered friends.

Labeling a peer with negative adjectives such as “stupid” or “ugly” is a form of name-calling.

Name-calling may also involve the use of racial or religious slurs.

3

Notice whether a child gossips or shares private information. Gossiping and spreading rumors about others are two favorite tactics of bullies who use relational aggression. These bullies may tell other people’s secrets in an attempt to curry favor with friends or gain a sense of control over the person whose confidence they have betrayed. They may also invent mean-spirited rumors to make others look bad.[3]

If the bully was friends with the victim, they may share things that the victim shared privately. This betrayal can have a significant impact on the victim's ability to trust people in the future, and may make it difficult for the victim and bully to ever resume a friendship.

4

Be on the lookout for manipulative friendships. Bullies who use relational aggression often do not form genuine friendships. Instead, they form alliances to manipulate others or improve their social standing.

Some bullies will strategically make friends with certain people while shutting others out. They may also manipulate their “friends” by threatening to withdraw their friendship, or by acting friendly one minute and cold the next.[4]

5

Be alert for signs of cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is bullying that happens via electronic means, like over the internet or text messages. Cyberbullies may use technology to threaten a victim, humiliate or embarrass them, or manipulate them into doing something.[5]

Even though it doesn’t occur in person, cyberbullying can be just as harmful as real-world bullying. The internet, particularly social media, provides an ideal medium for spreading rumors and excluding others from groups.

Cyberbullying may include posting rumors or rude comments on social media pages or forums. It also may include a form of exclusion in which everyone is a part of an online group except for the victim.

Part 2

Spotting the Effects of Relational Aggression

1

Look for signs of sadness or depression. Victims of relational aggression are at risk for mental health disorders, including depression. A child who often seems withdrawn and sad or shows little interest in participating in activities with other children may be experiencing bullying from their peers.[6]

Other signs of depression may include hopelessness, changes in eating or sleeping patterns, withdrawing from friends or social activities, and acting irritable or agitated.

2

Observe the person’s friendships. Victims of relational aggression may have poor relationships with other people. They might seem to have no friends, or they may make friends and then drop them again quickly. On-and-off friendships are one of the warning signs of relational aggression.[7]

People who experience relational aggression may be abandoned or ostracized by their friend group. This can damage their self-esteem, leaving them less likely to seek out other friends.

3

Notice signs of anxiety around others. Children who experience relational aggression may seem nervous about spending time with their peers. They might express the desire to stop going to school or participating in their usual social activities. Increased shyness or uncharacteristic problems with socializing may also point to problems with relational aggression.[8]

4

Take school or work performance into account. Children who are the targets of relational aggression may suddenly start having a hard time at school or in their extracurricular activities. Their grades might drop, or they might have a hard time focusing and staying productive. They might also have a harder time carrying out their responsibilities at home.[9]

In severe cases, dropping out of school is a possibility.

Bullies who use relational aggression are at risk for having trouble in school, too.

5

Take note of internet and phone habits. A child who is a victim of relational aggression may become secretive about their phone and internet use. They may seem agitated or upset after using the computer or the phone, or they may seem distressed when they receive texts and emails.[10]

Part 3

Understanding Relational Aggression

1

Distinguish between relational aggression and other types of bullying. Relational aggression is a form of bullying that undermines a person’s social status, friendships, and relationships. Unlike physical bullying, relational aggression is often subtle and difficult to spot. Manipulation, social exclusion, and spreading gossip are several examples of relational aggression.[11]

2

Know the risk factors for relational aggression. Children and teenagers are more likely to engage in relational aggression than adults. The highest rates of relational aggression are found among middle schoolers and high schoolers, though this type of bullying has been observed in children as young as preschool age. Girls are more likely than boys to be the perpetrators and victims of relational aggression.[12]

In general, relational aggression can happen to anyone. The rationale behind it varies. A person can receive this type of treatment due to their looks, speech, who they are currently friends with or dating, where they are from, or simply being new to the environment (e.g. school or dorm). The specific social group determines the exact criteria for who belongs and who doesn't.[13]

Though relational aggression is most common in children, especially pre-teen and teen girls, adults sometimes use it as well. Factors like an abusive or neglectful home life, substance abuse in parents, and negative media consumption can influence a child’s likelihood for becoming relationally aggressive with other children.

3

Understand the consequences of relational aggression. Relational aggression can negatively impact a child’s friendships and performance at school. Children who are bullied this way often experience loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem. Children who are relationally aggressive with others also experience negative consequences. Though these children may have higher status in their social groups, they are more likely to have unhealthy social relationships and be disliked by their peers.[14]

Children who are victims of relational aggression sometimes become bullies themselves in an attempt to take back some social control.

Part 4

Dealing with Relational Aggression

1

Listen to your child. Relational aggression can be subtle and go unnoticed by teachers, and it may be easily dismissed by adults. The victim may be ashamed or embarrassed, and it's important to take their concerns seriously. Make sure you child knows that home is a supportive place where they can express themselves without judgement. Listen without offering advice, particularly if you are tempted to say something like, "Words can't hurt you," or "It's just a phase," or "I think you're overreacting."[15]

Instead, see if you can find out more details. You can say something like, "That sounds really painful. Can you tell me who else was there and how long this has been happening?"

2

Talk to the school staff about relational aggression. Reach out to someone at the school, such as a guidance counselor, and explain what is occurring. Talk to the counselor about the possibility of addressing the subject with the class as a whole and providing information about relational aggression and how to deal with it. Organizations like The Ophelia Project (http://www.opheliaproject.org/girls.html) provide curriculums for teaching children of all ages about how to identify this type of bullying and how to create a culture of inclusivity and understanding.

3

Help your child build their self-esteem. Relational aggression can be devastating, and will likely leave your child feeling betrayed, confused, anxious, and isolated. There are many things you can do to help your child rebuild their self-esteem, from role-playing and discussing how they might assertively respond to their bullies to connecting them with a counselor or therapist. You might also try getting your child involved in a new activity where they can meet new people.