Thursday, May 29, 2008

With the Forths inching ever so closer to trying to conceive a brother or sister for Hilary, Ted has compiled a short list of names he believes most suitable for the new offspring. Which do you think should make the cut?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

From Comics Curmudgeon Comment Section:There is no conversation more tiresome than middle aged, middle class people discussing their reproduction. Pretty soon, we will have to listen to Ted saying “We’re pregnant.” or he and Sally telling everyone at the table “We’re trying to get pregnant.”

Seriously, I would much rather hear what you paid for your house, how Jesus changed your life, what the doctor told you about the mole, anything but the angst and struggles of overprivileged pregnancy.

Mr. Marciuliano, I know you read here. Stop it, just stop it. Either she’s pregnant or find another story line, and not one about Ted’s mixed feelings on the subject.

So with the above laudatory note in mind, which plot should I write next?A) Ted and Sally discuss how on earth they are going to make their house payments after Ted quits his job in tears when a coworker says he looks "hippy."B) Wanting to give Hilary the moral underpinnings necessary for a good life, Ted and Sally revisit their old church only to find the sacred grove and horgr in disarray, the Volvas at odds with the godi and the god Freyr demanding fresh scacrifices in return for a mild winter. C) Ted learns his new mole is actually his soul bubbling through his skin in an attempt to find a more suitable host body.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

With all the recent talk about superdelegates, another little-understood facet of our democratic republic's election system has not received its due coverage or explanation. So thanks to a rather reputable college education that, alas, focused almost entirely on 20th century British literature and R.E.M.'s I.R.S. label years, allow me to provide you with the following short yet significant summary in U.S. politics:

The Electoral College and You...Minus YouThe Electoral College was devised by the Framers of the Constitution as America's last stand against the democracy it had fought long and hard to secure. Of course, by "democracy" our forefathers meant "mob rule" and by "mob" they, curiously enough, meant Sicilians. In an attempt to prevent the rabble from running roughshod over the government and putting a Hummel figurine or Disney character in charge, the Framers decided that each state would choose electors equal to that state's number of Senate and House seats combined. The electors would then meet in their states and burn a witch. If the witch emitted a plume of white smoke, then there would be a new Pope. The Pope would then realize that most Americans view Catholicism as an outgrowth of voodoo and so would quickly assume the shape of a swan to allude grievous harm. While as a swan, he would then impregnate an unsuspecting or drunk Greek woman, who in turn would give birth to the next President of the United States. Unless, of course, no witch, Pope, swan or whatever achieved a majority of the vote, in which case the tallest non-twin individual in America would become Emperor.

Next Time: How Can We Be Both a Democracy and a Republic at the same time? (Hint: Mirrors)

Monday, May 5, 2008

Long forgotten and widely discredited, this 1951 classroom film from Medium Large's educational archives ("Bake Your Way to Marriage!""How to Cripple a Bully""Polio: God's Judgment Against Gays" ) exposes the chilling, horrifying, alarming truth about comedy in a fun, fact-filled format every student can enjoy.

Note: If you're having trouble reading the text, please go here and select "Watch in high quality" under the "Views" total.

"This...this is my tenth margarita...twelfth is you count the other two."

"Just think, right now, all across Mexico, families are celebrating with the same Nacho Supreme platters, jalepeno poppers and bottomless mojitos as us. Small world, huh?"

"I'm not Mexican yet I get shitfaced on Cinco de Mayo. I'm not Irish yet I get shitfaced on St. Patrick's Day. I am, however, Catholic, so it's okay that I get shitfaced on Christmas. And Easter. And Lent."

"Did you know that Cinco de Mayo isn't a celebration of Mexico's independence? And I thought they were their own country."

"Imagine if the government actually constructed that anti-immigrant fence. Who would be serving us now? Us? Please..."

"Okay, one more round of shots and then it's back to work. After all, this tracheotomy isn't going to perform itself."

"I'm just saying if we don't do something now, as a group, then it might be too late. We have to stop them because no one else will! No one else can. Not now...We have to take control!...We need the biggest guys...You in?...You?...You?...And we need weapons. Whatever you got. Forks, knives, hot water, anything...Okay, are we ready?...Are we ready?...Okay then. Time to put an end to that mariachi band...Let's roll."

"You know what would really say 'Cinco de Mayo'? Taco singing Puttin' on the Ritz."

FBI Profile

Pens the comic strips Sally Forth and Medium Large. Writes for The Onion News Network. Serves as head writer for the PBS series SeeMore's Playhouse (for which his script won two regional Emmys). Was afraid of the color yellow until about age nine. Tans a little too well to be trusted by security.

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A simple grilled cheese sandwich. Something that can be procured anywhere at any time. Nothing too exciting, right?

But what if I put a little butter on the bread before I grilled that sandwich? That would add a little extra zing, right? And what if instead of using plain old American cheese I opted for something a tad more exotic, like Camembert, Stilton or Roquefort? Now we're talking, right?

And what if instead of using bread for my grilled cheese sandwich I used two large blocks of pure platinum? And what if instead of eating the platinum I sold it and then used that small fortune as venture capital for a Beijing-based conglomerate that could take advantage of Chinese local business incentives, cheap labor, lax environmental laws and surging global interest in the fastest-growing economy in the world, thereby ensuring returns in the billions of dollars even in the face of a collapsing U.S. dollar and a massive industrial shift from the technical to service business sector? Wouldn't that be nice?

That's exactly what Francesco Explains It All is. In an endless buffet of indistinguishable tastes, it's the grilled platinum Stilton cheese sandwich that could forever destabilize geoeconomics. Care for a bite?