My Kids Grow and So Do I

Sunday, June 29, 2014

When your kids are still babies, their needs and the care you give them often leads to a sense of symbiosis you have never experienced before. The lives of parent and child are closely intertwined, and it is hard to imagine that one day, that very same child will want to disobey you or rebel against your guidelines. Chances are, they will, and that's a good thing, too.

Challenging boundaries of behavior

Children need to challenge the boundaries set by their parents and caregivers for various reasons. It's part of growing up and discovering who they are. In addition, they might want to know if a new type of behavior is within or without the acceptable area. At other times they might want to make sure that they have explored the full range of possible acceptable behaviors; after all, it would be a waste to let some type of behavior go unused when it’s perfectly acceptable :-). And lastly, they may just want to make sure you’re paying attention. Whatever the reason for challenging the boundaries of behavior, children need their parents and caregivers to be alert and explicit.

Honoring your shared spirituality

Parents and caregivers would do well to clearly communicate to their children the boundaries of behavior that is acceptable in an age-appropriate way, and role-model it so the children can simply copy. Once kids know the boundaries, they will want to stay within them most of the time. However, as stated above, they will want to explore the area outside of those boundaries. How can you, the parent, be strict, clear and explicit and at the same time be gentle and kind? In other words, how can you discipline a child while at the same time express and honor your shared spirituality?

The time-out technique outlined below is a great parenting tool for those times when children venture outside of the framework of harmonious and respectful behavior. It is the crossing of the boundaries of harmony and respect that most often lead to the need to step in. The beauty of the technique lies is the respect it allows you to model and the harmony it allows you to keep access to. Because of that, you will be able to apply the technique lovingly, in keeping with the spiritual nature of both you and your child.

The Time-Out Technique

Partly thanks to the reality TV show The Supernanny the technique of a time-out on the ‘naughty step’ or ‘naughty chair’ has gained widespread acceptance when it comes to communicating to your children where the boundaries of behavior lie. Especially for young kids the time-out technique works beautifully. In fact, it was one of the mainstays in the rearing of my three boys.

Discipline Works on Three Levels

The technique is effective because it works on all three levels of our being: the physical, the mental and the spiritual level.

On the physical level the time-out literally restricts the out-of-bounds behavior the child was displaying, be it yelling, hitting, bullying, etc. It effectively stops their unacceptable behavior instantly.

On the mental level the time-out period allows the child time to reflect on what has just occurred. They will think back on what they did and will make the connection with the parent’s corrective response.

What happens on the spiritual level when a child is disciplined through the time-out method cannot be overestimated. The key words here are: respect and harmony. Usually, the out-of-bounds behavior is deemed unacceptable primarily because it has violated respect one way or the other. A gentle, respectful and immediate interruption by the adult, followed by the child’s self-reflection, paves the way for renewed respectful exchanges among all involved. In the new situation harmony is restored and love between parent and child can again flow freely.

The beauty of the technique is that it allows you to make clear that boundaries have been crossed in an objective way. There is no need for anyone to become emotional about it. The child will take the measure as a piece of information to process and incorporate.

When my children were little the time-out technique was used consistently. Ours was a slightly different take on the trusted principle. In our family room we had a set-up with two easy chairs and a table in-between. On that table I had placed a plastic box full of picture books from the local library. Once a week we would visit the library where the kids were encouraged to choose several books each, to take home. During the week, we’d snuggle up in the chairs and I’d read stories to the kids, and encourage them to read or look at pictures on their own as well. This little corner associated with fun time together was our time-out corner as well. During a time-out my kids were allowed to take out a book and quietly read or look through it. I reckoned they knew instantly why the time-out was appointed and the reading seemed to calm them down. More often than not, they’d forget they were actually doing a time-out and after five or ten minutes they’d ask me if they could get out of the time-out, and of course they could.

The fresh supply of library books would often take the edge off the punishment, hastening the restoration of harmony between us.

Paying Compliments

When harmony has been restored and exchanges once again express mutual respect and love be sure to focus on desired behavior. Spell out for your child, in a way that is appropriate to your child's age, what exactly that behavior consists of and offer praise when your child acts accordingly. When your child remembers to take their dirty clothes to the hamper, for instance, you might want to say: "You remembered to put your clothes in the hamper, just the way I like it! Thank you. That makes my job of doing the laundry much easier." Even though to adult ears this may sound a bit over the top, kids love to be praised for a specific thing they have done and for making you, their mom or dad, happy.

Taking It One Step Further: You

Will you join me when I take this one step further, still? Not just kids can benefit from taking a time-out and offering praise where praise is due, adults can, too. Many times in life with kids we find ourselves in situations that we can't fully oversee. We might be focusing too much on the details, not being able to see the forest for the trees. At those moments stepping back and observing may prove invaluable when it comes to getting a broader perspective. Letting go of our hold on a specific outcome to an issue will create room that allows new opportunities to become visible. The time-out technique, originally introduced as a disciplinary tool, may very well prove to be a life-long skill to reflect and gain perspective.

And when you've managed to conquer an issue that had been bothering you for some time, don't be modest about it. Tell yourself you did well and enjoy your success!

If this post sparks an idea or a question, please feel free to leave a comment. Thanks!

Saturday, June 21, 2014

In this space a week ago I reported on the case of a defiant student in high school, a boy I called David. This is a follow-up post.

In an earlier conversation I had had with David, he had indicated that he felt like punching the teacher he felt most resentful towards in the face (my words for his more descriptive language). So, when he came in last Thursday for an appointment with that teacher, having already been expelled from school by the principal, I had made sure one of the maintenance staff was available nearby just in case.

The teacher had indicated wanting to talk to David one-on-one, rather than having a group conversation with me and the head of the department taking part as well. David walked in, looking self-assured. He and the teacher sat down at the conference table in my office. A colleague and I continued our work at our desks at the other end of the room, bracing for the worst. What happened next was most extraordinary.

The teacher opened the conversation asking David what he would like to talk about. David responded by referring to their last, very unhappy, exchange. They talked about this for about ten minutes and then parted, shaking hands, with the teacher wishing David the best for his future. What at first had seemed like a possibly highly volatile meeting had unexpectedly transformed into a moment of harmonious closure for both parties. How could this have turned out so well?

Creating a Field of Open Communication

It's the field David and his teacher were able to create together on that quiet after-school appointment. David had been composed and relaxed. The teacher had been willing to listen, being genuinely interested in David as a fellow human being. Both had come with empty pages, expecting the exchange to take shape on the basis of the dynamics of the moment, rather than on the basis of unfortunate dynamics of the past.

I call this a true miracle of living in the moment where mistakes of the past are washed away and pathways to new opportunities open up for all involved.

Afterwards, I made sure to compliment both gentlemen: as I walked David to his locker I praised him for his composure and mature attitude. Later that day I commended my colleague for his tact, his openness and approachability.

Paying compliments

As for accolades, in a future post we'll talk about compliments and why they are such a powerful tool when used effectively.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

As a high school English teacher in the Netherlands for more than ten years, I've had my share of teen disruptive behavior in class. Thankfully, my daily experience has enabled me to develop strategies for dealing with disorderly conduct that will, ideally, prevent it from occurring or, when it does pop up, swiftly take care of it. Key in my approach are genuine respect, tact, positive expectation and a sense of humor.

Called on

This school year I have been entrusted with a new task: that of team leader. I've become responsible for the daily operations of a group of five classes - 130 students. Now, when a fellow teacher in my team is dealing with a particular student's disruptive behavior that colleague may call on me, expecting my full support. The student, because of his/her conduct, has to report to me as well, expecting a fair hearing.

Often, after talking to me about what happened, the student will understand where they got off track and a small disciplinary measure will be all that is needed. But sometimes I'm faced with a student, like this particular 16-year-old boy I'll call David, who has no idea, or so he claims, why his behavior was judged unacceptable. He'll come to my office feeling indignant about being sent out of the classroom. He'll flaunt his outrage at disciplinary measures among his classmates, causing other students to follow in his footsteps. Although he has agreed to support of all kinds offered by the school - such as study guidance and homework class - he completely ignores the advice given instead of implementing it.

Bridging the Gap

This boy David is clearly on a fast route to expulsion from school. Even so, I'm still having to discuss matters with him, guide him through the unhappy steps he is apparently bound on taking. How can I do this in a way that does justice to our shared identity as spiritual beings, temporarily traveling this earthly plane in bodies - bodies that seem separate from each other and that engage in such varied behavior that their owners often become even more acutely aware of their separation? My task is bridging the gap that has opened right in front of me between David and myself. How far can my usual measure of genuine respect, tact, positive expectation and sense of humor take me, take us?

Not far enough, I'm afraid. I'm sure the answer lies beyond the realm of separate bodies and separate behaviors. It must lie one step up, in the realm of mind where we are connected and one (or so various sources claim). How do I get in touch with that realm at the very moment that David is sitting in front of me, fulminating about the injustice done to him, denouncing the teacher who sent him to me?

A Thin Line

I'll let him talk, let him vent. I'll practice active listening on him, mirroring back to him the things he is saying. After all, I am his teamleader, too. But in each of these conversations there comes a moment that I'm having to be the brick wall that he is crashing into.

It's a thin line I'm having to walk: on the one hand be a fellow human being with a vision of unity despite appearances, and on the other hand, as a teamleader, be the embodiment of school rules and customs that need abiding by.

The way to walk that thin line the best I can has been to practice mindfulness: letting the light of my presence shine on the both of us while we're having an exchange. It helps me stay calm and centered, adhering to the school guidelines, while at the same time reaching out to him as a person that I truly respect and expect the best from. It means I'm having to relinquish my personal agenda regarding the situation and the school community. I'm having to totally and irrevocably focus on his spirit and on the field of communication we are creating together, equal spirits, at one in the sight of God.

Sowing Seeds

Is this approach sowing the seeds of harmony and peace? The proof of the pudding is in the eating - in other words: has this approach affected David in a positive way? I wish I could say that he has changed his attitude for the better, but mostly he hasn't. He remains resentful and outraged at the disciplinary measures taken against him. He still feels strongly revengeful towards the teachers and other adults who seem out to get him, with one exception: he is respectful towards me, as I am towards him. In the given circumstances that is perhaps all that can be hoped for.

I pray and hope that at some future time David will think back on his time in high school. I hope that he will then remember the field of courteous, constructive communication that the two of us were able to create together. And I pray that this memory may then serve as a seed that will come to fruition in his life.

Monday, June 9, 2014

What to do when your child is facing a challenge that is clearly theirs to tackle? There you are - literally there with them and for them - and there's nothing you can offer, because rationally you know the battle is theirs to fight. It's hard to resist the temptation to pre-digest the issue for them, bolster their confidence with what can only come across as commonplaces, or smother them in accounts of your own experiences that can never be similar enough to make any sense.

When you're faced with nothing tangible to offer your child, you may feel quite powerless. Yet, this seeming void carries within it the seed of something extremely powerful: the light of your presence. It takes courage to plunge into that unknown space and retrieve that seed of light. But when you do, the light thus accessed may turn out to be of far greater value than any specific support you might have settled for otherwise. Both of you will benefit from the greatest gift you can offer the other person: the light of your loving presence.

Beth Raps, today's guest writer, explores her role as a mother as her 15-year-old daughter is taking her final exams. Beth is a blogger, coach, consultant and founder of RAISING CLARITY, a consultancy dedicated to cultivating abundance in noble causes, people and organizations.

The Gift of Nothing - Mom the Coach Learns How to Help Her Daughter Study for Finalsby Beth Raps

What a landmark: my daughter's first final exam week! She is 15. This is our first year of public school, and I am still enough of a homeschooling mom to make helping her study for finals a learning experience in itself. This post unwraps the layers of learning for me in what I tried to teach my daughter those few days of preparing for finals.

At first I congratulated myself she had asked for my help, and felt sure I had a lot to offer as a professional coach. After all, "I teach this stuff." I saw her request as an invitation to model self­organization, self­motivation, self­initiation. I am strong in those areas; they are some of what I teach in my coaching and consulting practice.

The ensuing days however taught me I had a lot to learn about giving myself while giving up control, and continuing to give when I thought I had nothing left­­, so that what I gave was the "gift of nothing."* More about that at the end of this post.

I guessed our working together might also be a chance for me to learn flexibility, patience, and humility, as my daughter and I are each strong characters. I anticipated needing those qualities to go the distance with her so I did not just give up in frustration when she rejected my ideas, or projected stress onto me through angry words and insinuations that (when she's calm) she completely avoids.

But I didn't realize how far out on a limb personally I would have to go with her to get her to maximize her immense potential as a student. I didn't realize how this would stretch the creativity I thought was already amply stretched by my clients. I didn't anticipate how vulnerable that would leave me.

I had to get unusually creative with my daughter as she and I played out our dance of power, because usually, we are collaborative. And we are lucky: school is easy for her and she already works hard.

But the overlay of her stress and extremely high standards (internalized from me but now solidly a part of her self­expectations) began to work against her ability and my smugness. I had to learn all over again about timing, ­­what of my tools to use, when ­­to try to come back to her with new ideas for how to stay mentally fresh while packing her mind full.

Yet because of self­reproach, often she rejected tools I thought were "perfect." Fortunately, love carried me through the exploration even more than humility, patience, and flexibility did. Love took me beyond my edge of creativity with other clients. And yes, it was to my advantage that that was also how I saw my daughter: as a client I was serving. This means I gave her the respect I give the adults I work with. It helped me cultivate some detachment about her process being her process. It put me in a supporting rather than a leading role as I had had during our homeschooling years. It re­sourced me in how much I respect her intelligence, her self­awareness, and her organic impetus to excel.

At many points, as we designed her study plan, implemented it, and then had to re­evaluate and redesign it, I felt I had nothing to offer her. And this was yet another deeper layer of learning for me. Having nothing to offer her felt terrible.

I began to see that not having all the answers didn't mean I was failing my child. It put me in the same boat as my child: she doesn't have all the answers either for the material she is studying or for how to study it.

In a way, that was the first "gift of nothing." We are in this together, in more ways than I realized. And yet there is a limit to how far we can go in the same boat: I can't take her finals! At a certain point, I can only make sure she has both oars in the water, and say, "Good luck!"

Allowing myself to be vulnerable made me much more creative, although at first it just felt weak! (I have those high expectations of myself too!) I became more willing to get in the boat with her­­, making even more space than usual for her to freak out, to cry, and realizing not only she but I needed to take breaks (timed when she did, just like they say about timing your naps for when your newborn naps). Toward the end of our time, I could sort of smell when things were going awry, and ask her to stop and take a break rather than take one later at its scheduled time. When she balked, I told her I needed one, and got up from the table. I wasn't proud of my limitations but I noticed I could maintain my inner peace if I observed them.

I sense that somewhere in the future, this ability to "smell" when things are going awry will be useful to her and help her, as it did me, override the schedule to respect the inner self. We ask so much of this inner self! It is not its limitations I mean to emphasize, but its rhythm, its own dance that we can follow if we truly want it to lead us.

It feels like "the gift of nothing" was my greatest gift to both my daughter and me, ­­allowing me to not­know, not­do, not­act when it was needed.

*Inspired by the beautiful Patrick McDonnell picturebook, The Gift of Nothing.

About the author

Johanna van Zwet

She was born and raised in the Netherlands. She and her family lived in California for almost ten years.

After returning to Europe, Johanna published her book and started giving seminars. She holds an M.A.Ed. in English. She taught EFL in a Dutch high school for many years. Apart from one-on-one teaching she now focuses on channeling Akashic information, see Ask the Akasha.

She and her husband have three grown sons.

Johanna is part of the author team of Notes On Parenting

This blog is for ...

... all those who interact with kids on a regular basis: parents, grandparents, teachers, care-givers, child advocates, and volunteers.

You might sometimes feel that your own personal development is on hold because of an issue that is playing in the relationship with kids in your care. This blog will hopefully offer you a new perspective that allows you to meet and tackle the issue on the basis of your inner spiritual guidance. When you, as the adult, are able to find an authentic spiritual approach in your interaction with kids, everybody stands to gain. Spiritually inspired solutions have a way of working for the good of all involved.