Thursday, June 29, 2006

Rules For The Weekend

You smell that? This is the season for loose women. They are out doing all the things for boys that you aren't. So assuming that you aren't a loose woman, you should be concerned. Here are some rules for the weekend, to make sure your head is in the game.

Some women are morally responsible, educated and enlightened throughout the year. But then when the summer hits, their clothes come off and their legs stay open. And boys know that summer hoes will be out in full throttle this weekend. So be careful. Stay alert. And make sure you save all your extra specialties* for the summer. Now is not the time to let yourself go. If you boy likes the hot girls, make sure you are the hottest thing on his arm, every time you step out. Make him proud other boys are wagging their tongues at you. Remember the Maintenance Day and keep it holy.

*extra specialties include but are not limited to: lingerie, all those sex positions you read in the Karma Sutra and never tried, honey love, monkey love, spontaneous love, ect.Rule 23:Hoes Into HousewivesIf you are a hoe, don’t go after upstanding boys. You bring down the national curve, rock the boat, make boys not want to date women of your race and overall make it much harder for a good woman to attract a good boy.

Hoes need love too. So if you are a hoe, stay within the social circle most like your lifestyle. Date hoe boys. Argue with hoe girls. But don’t go after boys out of your league, regardless of your promiscuity-status. You are not Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Nobody is going to save you from being a hoe.

The only way a hoe turns into a housewife is through her own introspective journey of change. If you subscribe to the Trade Up rule, then you should know that after any significant relationship, one must reevaluate her strengths and weaknesses and prepare to go up a notch to a better boy. Don’t expect to have a better boy if you haven’t made yourself better.

Don’t ruin a good man by being a hoe.

Rule 24: Oh, She’s Just A FriendWe’re not talking about the random chicks or his sports buddies. We’re talking about that hot tamale, that former flame that still in your boy’s life. His best friend. The one he would probably fuck if they weren’t so “platonic.” She’s just as cute as you (if not cuter), and probably makes her self more accessible.

So the challenge is: how do you keep her ta-tas off your man, yet keep her from not hating you?

Because this is not the girl you want to hate you. This is a delicate, delicate bitch. Her opinion may way heavy. And she will be the first shoulder for him to lean on once things start going sour. When dealing with any boy who has an abundance of other women around him (mother, sisters, friends), the first thing is the most important. You must develop your look.

Not the purse matching the shoes look. The look in your eye of confidence that you can clearly display, “Bitch, I got this.” Practice in the mirror. Emote it with a smile. Now try a scowl. Don’t ever let any woman do for your boy what you can do for him. Now say that with your face.

When I was in college, my roommate’s boyfriend had a friend, we’ll cal her Lori. And Lori was always having problems with other men. She was always having car trouble. My roommate didn’t mind, she thought Lori was no threat. I tried to warn her until…

One day my roommate was calling all around, looking for her man. She called Lori, and there he was. Eating his favorite post-coital meal, tuna casserole, with her.

This chic will test the waters. She’ll need a ride at 4 a.m. She’ll need help with a clogged drain while dripping wet from a steamy bath. She wants you to know that the only reason why she hasn’t fucked your man is to fuck with you. We know how women can be.

But don’t play into the pettiness. Be nice to her. Learn all you can about her. Shop with her on occasions. But make sure she has clearly seen a look in your eye that lets her know you will fuck her up if she does anything to jeopardizes your relationship.

Rule 25: Your Single FriendsNow, I’m single, so this is going to sound like a contradiction. But don’t take dating advice from your single friends. Because if they knew anything about relationships, they would be in one.

The difference between me and your single friends is that I’m way more smarter and way more perceptive about things than they are. Your single friends are crabby, jealous, unrealistic and lightweight when it comes to keeping boys happy. Hang out with them. Flirt in pairs. Double date. But if you are trying to get some insight on your boy’s mind, don’t talk to them.

Every woman should have a friend that is in a successful marriage to guide her on dating boys. Optional, but helpful, is a platonic, single male friend. The married friend is there to let you know that building a relationship is not always fun and fancy free. It takes work and strong commitment. You have to know yourself before you decide to want to be like her.

The male friend is to remind you of:

-The attitudes of men who are still single-What you have to choose from in the circle you hang with-How simple men’s worlds are. They rarely think about the complexities of dating.