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The Colonel Presents…Your Weekly Horoscopes!

You’ll finally get to bang your sexy high-school English teacher. No fist-bumps for you from your bromigos, though; too bad you were homeschooled.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone will make a bull joke today. About you. You probably should have rethought that extra donut and the septum ring.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will get a good sale price when purchasing a major appliance, but that’s about it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Smile! Somebody out there loves you . . . . actually, the stars have conferred, and it’s been confirmed that you should not, in fact, smile. Please, stop smiling, Cancer. Please.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Due to a terrible misunderstanding at the coffeeshop, this month you will experience firsthand the terrible beauty of a pumpkin mice latte.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The stars think it’s time for you to branch out and try your hand at some fun new autumn trends, like apple-picking and grave-robbing!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will make prolonged eye contact with a dog while walking down the street this month.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Great news: You will meet a tall, dark, and very handsome stranger! Slightly less-great news: It’s a tree. You need glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Try not to look at your dozens of dead plants as a metaphor for your parenting skills. That’s what all your dead babies are for.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

In a misguided attempt to express your creativity and stand out from the crowd, you will dress as a sexy larva this week.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You will insist on being a saggy dickhole to the Starbucks barista this week, just as the prophecy foretold.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The stars report that your future smells fishy. They cannot confirm or deny the reason behind this, but in unrelated news, someone will put expired caviar in your air vent. Also a handful of tuna.