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7.18.2010

What I Needed To Hear

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about my friends -- sometimes, I think I do it too much. I also feel like it's the ones who aren't being the stellar superstars I know they can be who get a lot of shine on the blog.

I spoke about a friend who forgot my birthday. It wasn't her forgetting my birthday so much as it was me knowing that remembering it just wasn't important to her. I've been feeling like this relationship was neglected and I was tired of the lip service I was getting. When we did talk -- and it wasn't very often -- she would spend a lot of time telling me how much she missed me. Ya'll know me, though, I'm an actions person. So I quit paying attention to all that long ago. It was getting annoying -- this idea that she thought it was ok to say one thing but do another.

For 2 years I've lived in DC. For 1 year, since she graduated from college and moved back home, she's been a little less than 4 hrs north of me on I-95. I've been to see her twice since I moved here and up until this past weekend, she'd not made much effort at all to come see me (though I know it goes without saying that she talked a lot about doing it). I was beginning to be a little hurt by it, actually. I'd thought we were better than that.

Finally, after a mutual friend suggested the plan she bought a ticket and she and the mutual friend came down to visit me for the weekend. Good timing on their part as on Friday it became official that this weekend was my last weekend in DC.

At one point shortly after her arrival she told me she thought it was really awesome that we'd been friends for so long. She was glad, she told me, that the sequence of events that occurred that led to our friendship had happened and she hoped I felt the same. I didn't really respond.

I mentioned to her, when she arrived Friday night, that maybe it was a sign of good things to come that we'd be spending my last weekend together. She chuckled and seemed not to pay much attention to what I said.

Saturday afternoon the three of us, plus another mutual friend made our way to a rooftop party. As we sat around talking, Yvonne and I found ourselves in a private conversation.

Yvonne: I have something I need to tell you. I need to get it off my chest.

Me: Ok. What's that?

Yvonne: I don't know if you know this or not, but I recently went back to my ex. We're not together anymore, but I definitely spent way too much time focused on him. I feel bad that this is the first time I made the effort to come down to see you. My mom told me that this is the time of my life where I should be spending my money on these types of mini-trips and hanging out with my friends. I'm sorry that I neglected you.

I was shocked. Partly that she admitted to me that she'd been neglectful at least in part because of her slightly skewed priorities but also that she even recognized it. I felt like she didn't see it and it was that -- the feeling like she didn't get that she couldn't just say things and not back them up -- that really got me.

I smiled a little. Told her it was all good as long as she was willing to try and then I said something that I think I may only later fully know the effects of...

I recently had a long conversation with an old friend about my history with J. I told her that a lot of the stuff I did with him, I would never do again but I had to do it to know not to do it.

Ever since I found out that she was seeing her ex again and realized she was purposefully not telling me about it, I'd hoped to have an opportunity to let her know that I would not have judged her for it, that I got why she felt she had to do it and that she should always know she can come to me. Her face made me think she understood, but we'll see. Sometimes stuff has to have some time to sink in.

That 5 minute portion of our conversation really made my whole weekend. It showed a lot of maturity for her to understand she was wrong and feel like she needed to express that to me. It served as a reminder for me that even though I prioritize actions over everything else, sometimes there are things that need to be said (and backed up by actions) for the benefit of the other person. A sincere apology goes a long way.

1 comment:

It so fitting that this post and your last post are about the love and friendships of your friends, and sometimes how we have to let them go. I say that because I just did a sort of repost that featured you and a couple more women. I think you will find it interesting and relavant to your last 2 posts.

I am enjoying "watching" your growth process. And, I just noticed that you've talked about relationships 41 times. So that tells me you are putting in some work.