I'm sorry I'm not alone

I just found this site today. I must say, I was brought to tears by many of the things I had read.
I am a 40 y.o. mother of two one pre gulf war and one post gulf war. The older of the two is fine, the younger has problems that he is undergoing many tests for, he is very bright, but at the same time has a severe retention problem as well as motor skill and visual/perceptual problems. Bless his little heart, he tries so hard and it is a real emotional problem for him. See I home schooled him untill last year, then it became too big of a task for me.
I am a gulf war vet,I was there before during and after
everything. I was the only female in my unit for months
and it was a blessing that I had known all the people I was with for years. I worked on reconn planes, so we flew through it all, every bit of anything that there was there. Then all of us maintenence people were all over that plane when it returned, not knowing how debilatated and ill we would all become.
I tried to hide all my symptoms for many years, I had kids to raise, and my husband was a long haul truck driver.
I cant hide it any more, I can barely tie my shoes, or drag my legs into my car to take my kids back and forth to school.
I shake uncontrollably at times, and can barely pick up a pencil any time. The VA doctors are just "shot-gunning' my symptoms, and there are days when I wonder if I'll see tommorow.Ive had a piercing head ache since 6/02 thatis in the center of my head..on the right side, I have occular migrains that blind me, literally and I wonder what will come tommorow.
I have spodylosis in every joint in my body including my sternum, and to watch me walk, you would think I was drunk and 100 years old.
What really hurts me the most is I can barely rember any thing recent, but I do rember who I used to be.
I used to be a USAF SSGT, with lots of awards and medals for being the best at what I did. And the pride I felt in serving my country was huge.
My only hope is the doctor for the gulf war registry was in the war, at the same place I was. And he is very persistent and concerned about us all.
God bless you all, and thank you for giving your all for our country. I will say it , because I have found no one else will.

your not alone my symptoms started 5months ago the doctors say i just have some deep seated psych problem
I started by looseing my hearing my right ear then all the sudden I started to have these shaking spells
I have started to investigate mercury poisoning
thimerosal is a preservative in vaccines which we had tons of. there is a ton of info on thimerosal and autism so try investigating it see what you come up with. Keep faith and God bless,
caseynonie

I could'nt believe my eyes when I read your reply.
I too started to lose my hearing around Aug 2002, and the shaking spells started shortly after. I already had a "nut house" eval, and they say that I'm fine mentally.
The only thing I have had new (because I wont take the medication they have given me) is a tetanus shot in Aug of 2002. My arm swelled up and bruised for 3-4 weeks, they said I must have moved, but since the shot I have gotten so much worse.
They keep prescribing me all kinds of meds, to see if anything will work, but its all guess work and the meds side effects are worse than the actual problems!!!
So I dont take any of them untill they figure out something concrete. Since the war I have a hyper sensitivity to meds that I never had before, that results in a severe reaction to anything.
The other problem I didnt mention, that is new, my left thyroid is swollen, but my thyroid tests are good
I go for a scan of my thyroid in 2 weeks.
I'll pray for you all, that God will help everyone through this.
What with the way the world is today, Im just waiting for God to take me home.

val,
Don't be discouraged! I'm sure God has a special purpose for your life.what about those kids they must really love you and need you,any form of you even if that form isn't what it used to be.The person who you are now is perfectly and wonderfully made.His love for you is even more powerful than your love for your kids and if you feel for your kids the way I feel for mine,it is more than can be imagined.Find a support group,I have a really good church group that is my support maybe that might help you to.Keep me informed on how the test came out and I will let you know what my doctors tell me. God Bless I'll keep you and your family in my prayers,
caseynonie

Hi,
Thanks for that, I know God has some purpose for me , I just wish I knew what.
I do have a church that I go to, and that is hard sometimes, because they really dont understand.
I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me because I am sick, I figure if they were my friend before, they still will be now.
I used to sing solos at church all the time, now I can hardley sing, I shake through the service, because mornings are the worst for me, and everyone stares and whispers.
But I go anyway, because some of my oldest friends are there, and my walk with God is not over.
Dont get me wrong,I'm not giving up on life, I'm just saying, I am at peace with everything, and I'm not afraid, and when God comes for me oh what a glorious day!!!
As far as my kids go, we have raised them to be very independant, and so glad we did.
You see, my illness has progressed really slow, up till this past August, then it has systematically torn my body down to a shaking, weak, extreemly tired vessel, I can barely keep up with the minimum chores I have on a daily basis.
I believe my family is in denial, because I have always been so active and strong, and they just dont seem to understand that I am sick, especially when there is no clear cut answers for this illness.
So I just push on, and do what I can, and pray alot.
You see, I want my kids to have as normal a life as possible, I dont want them to just remember that mom was always sick, and too tired to do anything, so there are days I am sooooo tired, but I try to accomidate them. My daughter is 15, shes such a good girl, and being a teen is hard enough, I just want her to enjoy her high school years, and for her to have good memories.
My husband compensates by being gone alot. He has never dealt with illness well at all, no matter who it was. He lost his sister 2 years ago at 42 y/o.
My youngest, is 9, and hes the only one who really knows how sick I am, and its not because I told him, he just knows. He asks me to promise I will be here forever, I tell him I will try, But he understands that when God calls its time to go home to a better place. Its funny, he gave my daughter and husband a lecture the other day about moms headaches!!! Bless his heart, so much for a little one to carry around.
daily basis.
I'll end this now, Ive still got so much to do before
church this evening.
Take care and GOD BLESS YOU, It really helps to talk to people who can understand just what I am going through.
I will continue to pray for you all.
Val

dearest val,
you would not believe the help you have been for me.
Im so glad to hear that you are rooted in the Lord.
The people at church are probably just wondering what is happening to you and if you dont share they probably dont find it appropreate to ask. when you said you lost hearing in 2002 then started shaking shortly after,how long was it and do you know what happened to your hearing.Do you get funny feelings in your head not pain just like a full,spacey feeling?
Sometimes I get really sharp pains in my head that stop as fast as they came. my face moves and makes grimeces all on its own,have you experienced anything like this.Well its time to put my kids to bed talk at ya next time,
togetheg in the Lord,
casey

Casey,
Sorry I didnt get back sooner, I didnt go on line yesterday at all.
About 2 1/2 years ago, I started having all the muscles around my right eye twitch, it didnt hurt, it was just really annoying, then one day I got mad and yelled at one of our horses for trying to tear the fence down, I was standing on our deck when I yelled,I got a very sharp pain in the right side of my head and almost collapsed, my right side of my head went cold and the hair on the right side of my head felt like it was standing on end, for about two weeks after that, I couldnt speak real well, and my head kept going cold and my right eye kept on twitching. I didnt think it was a stroke, because it would have been the left side of my body having problems. Around the same time I started running a low grade fever (99.5-100.5) every afternoon. I have had fatigue, and hip and knee joint problems since 1991.(before I got out of the service but after my stint in the Gulf)
I try to stay calm as much as I can, because I'm not real wild about another reoccurance of that!!
In June of 2002, I got a really sharp pain in the right center of my head, deep inside. It never goes away, some days it is way worse than others, and its always on a scale of 6-10 for pain 24/7. Its not a sinus or histamine headache as has been suggested by some, its too far back, and my sinus' are clear. In about Sept 2002, I started the shaking, it was only about once a week, but now it is almost constant, and I have found that it is worse in the morning.I also have migrains that I am service connected for, that started about 2 years before the war, but since August I have had 16 migrains. That is alot, if your familiar with migrains you can only imagine how bad some of my days have been. Around Nov I started losing my hearing in my right ear and it hurts to move my right eye. If I move my head just right I cant hear out of my right ear, and I get tunnel vision in my right eye. The right side of my face feels like its on fire most of the time. They did an MRI of my brain and could only find minimal white matter changes on my left frontal lobe, and a spot at the base of my left sinus that would not "echo", they attributed that to thickening.
I keep telling them that the problem is in the base of my skull and my neck, because I can feel it, and it started with the sharp pain inside and now it is effecting the whole left side of my head, neck,tongue jaw, throat and chest. The most recent thing, besides the swollen thyroid, is my chest hurts and I have a hard time breathing some times, and it feels like there is something in my throat.
I am trying to stay as active as I can, and on my"good days" I wear myself plum out trying to catch up on everything. I know I shouldnt do it that way, but its the only way I can get most things done.
I dont know how old you are, but I'm only 40 and I am worse than most of the 80 year olds I know. It's hard to go from running a farm to and going non stop day after day, to being so tired and weak that you cant even lift your arm up as high as your shoulder.
I just thank God for every day I have, and I am so thankful I am saved.
If nothing else, this has brought me even closer to our Father, and I have made some friends along the way, and maybe that was His whole intent. Everything happens for a reason,and last time I checked God doesnt make mistakes.
You know, I hear people say, how could God let this happen, but if they only read thier Bible they would know why things happen....especilly Revelations.
Anyway I hope this has been some help to you, after reading what you wrote about the shots and timerosal I really have to wonder. Because I was still doing pretty good until Aug 2002, but then the VA insisted I have a Tetanus shot, since then I am a huge mess.
Oh, yea about the other thing, I have really good long term memory, but my short term is shot!!! My train of thought usually derails about 1/2 way through, and I cant remember the darndest things...like how to spell!!
I am constantly off balance, and if I move just right I will fall over. I used to have a photographic memory,
now I think the film is ruined, because I have to read or hear something about 10 times before I will remeber it. ( my 9 y/o has the same problem) I hope this all makes sense to you, I keep finding errors, not sure if I found them all.
God Bless You and Be With You Always
Your friend VAL

Hi Wes,
You want to hear something even more disturbing?
The VA doctors are not allowed to put anything in your records that is a concrete statement!!!!
The really bad part is, I am unable to work now, so I dont have insurance, so I have to go to the VA, or just sit around and get sicker.
Well, I'm already doing that, so I guess the point is pretty moot!!
The reason they arent allowed to put real stuff in your records is it then makes them accountable, and there are so many of us, that the system in no way can fund it all.
Thats what we get for serving our country
I would do it again in an instant, but I cant go back in
I'm not fit for service!!!! Too many medical problems.
Hmmmmmmm, what a catch 22
VAL

Val
You can not let them do that ,they have to post something even if it is nonservice connected.If you have to change doctors then do it.They will not give me medicade due to the fact that the va can treat me.They have to treat you for your illnesses it is law.You have to tell them that you want it posted.Everytime I go to the va I get record of all my visits.We are humans and they have to treat us as such and if it means fighting for it so be it.Sure I get frustrated with them But in all truth what can they do for us if they do not even know what it is that is causeing us.Sure I want answers and yes I want a cure too.But these doctors are only given so much info and are probitly being told that if you breack the rules that your career will be over.I do not know what else to say but to stay strong and do not let these blood suckers get away with it.Keep your chin up and do not give up keep fighting for the will to live.
Mark A
USN

Recently I have been slow to act,however now I am beging to build a legal case. I have requested copies of my military medical records. I have been getting copies of all my medical treatments for the past 5 years. I have been slowly gathering all the evidence I need for a case with a lawyer. The one thing I have not done yet is apply for disability with the V.A.. I feel that I will give them more time to diagnosis my condition to make sure it is not being caused by some other health problem (In other words I don't want to cry wolf with out enough proof, while at the same time giving them a chance to come up with a diagnosis). As more time passes on I am becomming more convinced that it is Desert Storm related, but the scientific side of me wants to make sure I am right with physcial proof. To this end I have been trying to get an MRI and MRS done by the V.A. but the waiting period is unbelivable (6mos for a neurology appt). I am still trying to get that appt moved up as of today. What bothers me is with the number of people being affected by it that were never over in the desert why does the press seem to concentrate their story lately on the chemical weapons dump that was destroyed? In my case I particpated in Desert Storm but was only exposed to the air in Isreal duing Desert Shield, so that rules out sarin nerve gas for me.

Hay,val,marka,and 000wes,
Val and I have been talking about this whole mess for a few days now and it is amazing to me how her some of her symptoms are just like mine especially the hearing loss and the shaking.Recently I went to the VA advacate and I think he can help.There is a different between the hospital and the advocate I hope!When I was in the Gulf the doc tolds us as we stood in line waiting for the anthrax vac,that anyone who didnt want the shot to get at the end of the line.So I waited to the end and He said He only said I could refuse the shot because legally he has to but really you cant refuse so role up your sleve.The doc who gave me the shot also worked with me a the naval hospital when I got home and I had him write that he gave me the shot two more times after we got home. talk about trying to hide stuff.

thanks for talking,
casey

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This is starting to be to much info in my head! I am a prowd Army vet. there was nothing better in my life then the fact that i was there. It was one thing that i was really good at, and wish i could go back to the way it was. But at the end of my rope. The V.A. is not a place that i can go to. I get so mad and my nerves can not hang. so i don't go. I can see more and more thing's going the wrong way with my body, mind, and that just make's me pull back farther into my self. All the new's talk about war is not helping. But i still watch, just to for the chance i will see an old buddy thinking that it will make me feel better. need a break from this but i will stay in touch.
WILL THIS EVER GET BETTER????

"Jo"
Try not to get too discouraged. I know exactly how you feel.
I am slowly but surely going from day to day, and I also would like to go again, but at the same time, know it is not possible.
The VA is really slow, but if you can be patient, and get a good outside source to help you things will all come together.
The most important thing I can say is, be positive and tell yourself that this is not going to keep you down, and if you havent already reach inside and find your faith, you would be amazed at how much these two things will help.
God Bless You, keep the faith, and I'll keep praying.
Val

I am twenty-eight years old. I was draftable during the gulf war, but was not enlisted, and did not go to fight. I am astonished by the lies that I have been told about kids that I grew up with who did have to go to that war. Now we are in another war, and presumabely are using DU ammunitions again, and are using some of the same vaccinations. I recently wrote a script about a guy who is sick from the gulf war that is now being made into a movie. I am seeking accourate information on this situation from the view of somone who is experiencing it, as much of the information that is out there seems suspect. the words that I have read on this website have changed my life forever and reinfored my belief that this story must be told to our youth and our general society. I am in LA.
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