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12 most dreadful things my clients will never get from me

Businesses and entrepreneurs sometimes have difficulty justifying the expense of hiring a professional branding and design pro. In other words, “What am I going to get for my money that I can’t get done on the cheap somewhere else?”

These types of questions are often asked by people either new to marketing, or those debating whether other priorities should take precedence in their spending budget. Even if they are the ones proactively seeking out these specific types of services, many still require convincing that a smart branding, design, and communications program is worth the dollars they’ll spend—and that it is an investment with countless dividends.

When prospective clients ask me what they’ll get for their investment in professional branding and design, I can answer in many different ways, but sometimes I think it best to tell them what they won’t get:

1. A website that hurts the eyes, the brain and your business

People like to fly when they’re online—they zip from one page to the next, from news to entertainment, from Facebook to Twitter, around the world and back.

When they land on your site, a mess reminiscent of what two year olds leave on their bibs will not intrigue them. They won’t bother navigating past the home page, which is likely to be a masochistic exercise in search for something that will only leave them frustrated, and your crowded, ugly, chaotic website will convince people to make another one of those split-second clicks—to your competitor’s website.

2. A media kit that bursts at the seams with odd-sized materials that don’t match

Fitting that body into jeans three sizes too small may work in certain parts of town, but not when you are trying to convince somebody to do business with you. My son comes home from school with a book bag that looks like a sack full of dirty laundry, but he’s not going on client meetings with it. Not yet, anyway. And if he does, we’ll have to have a talk.

3. A logo that is a diagram, a mission statement, and 10 years of strategy all rolled into one

A logo that tries to “say it all” and put every little thing into that one little graphic is never going to say anything. What it will say is that you have no idea what you’re doing, and no business wants to communicate that. Leave the laundry list of services and detailed illustrations to your brochure—you know, the one that doesn’t look like this …

4. A brochure that confuses, obscures and begs for the trash bin

People’s offices are already cluttered. Your brochure comprised of all your best Word docs set in eight different fonts with fuzzy screen captures for graphic blandishment may get you excited, but everyone else will have a different reaction. Trust me on this.

5. A social media page that screams “DISENGAGE FROM ME” rather than engage with me

You see them everywhere—even from those you think should know better, which baffles me. I’m not even talking about the eggs and empty profile silhouettes, I mean the blurry little portraits, the logos that look like they’ve been photocopied 20 times, and the bios full of hashtags and exclamations. That stuff just sends people for the hills. And those busy, confusing, garish visuals used for backgrounds and header images that would make Times Square laugh at you? Oh my.

6. A Web banner that looks like one of those crass supermarket ads

Unfortunately, these tend to be the norm rather than the exception. Yelling “Buy me now!” was supposed to have gone out a few years ago. Too bad so many businesses persist with this worn out tactic of trying to attract eyeballs and clicks. I tend to look the other way, how about you?

7. A newsletter that is tossed as soon as it is seen

This goes for about 95 percent of the newsletters out there: a flimsy page or two, crammed with small text, blurry photos, and tired clip art. You may be enamored with your content—namely that you figured out how to create it “all by yourself” in Word or PowerPoint—but nobody else cares what you learned on a rainy Saturday afternoon. You saved a few bucks, but your business will pay the price because the only thing you are influencing is a poor reflection on your business.

8. A business card that people only use to dispose of a piece of gum

When I’m handed a business card on thin, crappy stock with an irrelevant stock image and ugly type, guess what I think of them and their business: “Oh, this is a person with weak skills, bad taste, and not much respect for themselves or their business.” Be honest, you know you do it, too.

9. An email campaign that doesn’t make it past my quick-scrolling preview pane

Most people already let out a giant “ugh!” at the amount of emails they receive. Throw in yet another overly promotional, ugly looking email with lots of big fonts and sparkly, futuristic 3-D images that look like they’re from some low-brow sci-fi movie from the ’70s and, well, good luck with that.

10. A PowerPoint that goes on, and on, and on, and on, and …

Not sure if you’ve seen many of these because you were probably fast asleep, but you have certainly suffered through them. Repeating every word you are saying and putting up every piece of data you can for “graphic interest” defeats your reason for being there in the first place, doesn’t it? Boring your audience to tears is not an effective marketing strategy.

11. A Web landing page that makes you sorry for landing there

Long, tedious forms with lots of asterisks that require you to give a lot of personal information are deal breakers. Your intention to capture prospects just turned into the opposite—they will leave and may never click on one of your links ever again.

12. An e-book that looks like that lame school paper you whipped out the day it was due

This isn’t school anymore—this is business—and cranking out something mediocre just because you can is supposed to be ancient history now. So why do so many e-books look like they were created under the same duress and lack of enthusiasm you had for that boring sociology class you once took? This is your business we’re talking about. Doesn’t it deserve a little more care and professionalism? Of course it does!

Remember what your mother once told you: “You only have one chance to make a good first impression.” Usually all it takes is putting on some clean underwear, brushing your teeth, and flashing a winning smile. Sometimes it takes a little more.

What terrible, awful, dreadful things will you not be giving your clients?

Paul Biedermann is a managing partner of the website 12 Most and creative director/owner of re:DESIGN, specializing in strategic design, branding, social media, and Communications.