Please bear with me here....She really had not seen a doctor until this ...Mom is 72 yrs old..recently had a stroke caused by blockage in her carotid artery....had a carotid endarterectomy to clean it out. She has regained what she thinks is normal movement and cognitive functions. She is absolutely not allowed to drive. Has COPD, Vascular disease, as well as memory short term issues. She has lived with us for the past 5 years while going between my brothers and us. My brother finally through his hands up and sent her to live with us permanently. She refuses to quit smoking, refuses to be anything but negative all the time. She talks to herself about how All Of this is because she had an abusive husband 30 yrs ago. The doctors have told her that her lifestyle is what has caused so much damage but she is always the victim. She has always been the victim. She is still angry her mother had my uncle AFTER her! She tells me that it’s not fair he was even born. She now with her stress test coming up and the doctor wanting us to talk about what needs to be done has decided to stay in her room all the time except when she thinks she should eat and then it’s.....what’s for lunch dinner etc? She used to be less hateful, More mindful of other people’s feelings. We are extremely worried because now she is saying that when her money comes in she is driving her car no matter what....she will be going across the country on her own because it’s her d.... life etc.. We have told her that the insurance is in our name and she says well I will get online and get my own and no doctor is going to tell me what to do. HELP....WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

4 Answers

Update......Mom and I have talked in-depth about the past, what she wants for her future, and what the present is bringing her. She has gone ahead and had the dexa scan...and stress test and although frustrating at times I think we have found that the main reason for the not wanting to see a Dr or do tests is because she was just scared. I have walked her through these tests and afterwards she was like.....I did that just fine. Yaayyyy..... As far as her home life....well my days are as follows...one day it’s a good day with her and for some reason or another the bad days are progressing into more and more negative.......I have not tried to get her to stop smoking because it’s been her life sooo very long. She does not and has never been allowed to smoke in my house. Her newest thing is.....well the nurse said I can get an Uber to go where I want too....and I can’t wait to leave here....but when I says okay mom let’s try and get you into your own assisted living ....it’s I don’t know if I want too, I think I will just stay here and make your lives hell and she laughs like it’s funny. We are active duty military, just bought our first house two weeks before her stroke. She is leasing her car and so we have had to take the keys because she will NOT let it go. I don’t feel her sitting in her room all day is healthy for her. I’m staying with the positive because that’s really all we have right now.

Great that your mom was willing to do through with medical tests, that had to be a big hurdle for someone who’d avoided docs for so long. I agree with you that her smoking habit isn’t going anywhere, but good for you in not allowing it in your home. Sounds like the next hurdle will be her more permanent living situation

It sounds to me like Mom just wants to be left the heck alone and not told what to do. If she’s managed for that long without being under the care of a doctor, there’s not much you can do about it. Yes, she has health concerns and probably mental issues as well, but you can’t force her to accept treatment. At the age of 72, unfortunately she is not all of the sudden going to change her lifestyle and become a health nut. You can’t force her to stop smoking, either. People who smoke have to want to quit. The only caveat is that she be careful with her cigarettes so she doesn’t start a fire in the house. She can go through the motions of having tests and seeing the doctor, but if she doesn’t follow her doctor’s advice, it’s pretty much a waste of everyone’s time.

If she insists on staying in her room, let her. Don’t force her to be social and join the family. As long as she comes out for meals, let her be. It sounds like she is depressed and has some long-standing issues regarding her bad marriage and sibling rivalry. There’s nothing you can do about that. You can’t fix her past. Listen if you want to, say “I’m sorry about all that” and move on. My mother was a Negative Nellie too. I just let her negativity go right over my head. I didn’t argue and I didn’t try to “fix” it. Even changing the subject didn’t work. Your mom certainly wouldn’t go for counseling, so just let her complaining go in one ear and out the other.

i would put my foot down about the driving, though. With her issues, she is endangering others. I know it’s the last vestige of her freedom, but she could get into an accident and seriously injure herself or others. Offer to take her wherever she wants to go or call Uber. You’ll need to take the keys or disable the car. She’ll be livid, but this is something you need to do. Don’t argue with her but be firm. She cannot drive. Period.

You need to decide going forward what your level of involvement will be. Your mother isn’t going to change, her habits are very ingrained and you need to first accept that you aren’t changing her no matter what. So decide what you want to do for her, or don’t want to do, what’s best for you and your family. This situation has the potential to really mess up all that’s good in your life, so give real thought to what you want. What your brother did wasn’t without good reason. Only you can decide the best course for you dealing with a mom who’s making destructive choices and not willing to do anything different

Your Mom needs to be evaluated by a neurologist forvDementia. Who said she can't drive? If a doctor, he needs to report this to the DMV so they will take her license away. You need POA and better get it while Mom understands what assigning it means. Otherwise, its guardianship. Do you have her car? Find somewhere else to store it. Out of sight, out of mind.

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