Monday, April 13, 2009

Whitey finally gets his due

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ROH Returns to the Glory Days!Bland white guys capture tag gold

At the recent tapings for their television program for HDNet, which airs in “about six or seven U.S. households,” (source: Arbitron) the ROH tag team championship was liberated from the bondage of colorful gimmick sports entertainers Kevin Steen and El Generico.

El Generico (gimmick: he’s a skinny white guy from the whitest country on Earth who thinks he’s a brown luchador) and Kevin Steen (gimmick: he’s fat) “dropped the straps,” as their fanbase likes to say, to workrate masters Eddie Richards and Davey Edwards.

Pictured: The Champs (possibly)

“I’ve caught a lot of flak from the die hards about taking ROH in a different direction,” said ROH head writer Adam Pierce. “I’m hoping giving the championship to two guys who, while amazing workers, couldn’t be picked out of a police lineup, signals a return the product our fans know and love.” “In the great tradition of Chris Benoit, I feel that Steve Edwards and Brian Richards are incredible talents,” Pierce added, “and in addition to their awesome workrate, they are bland as fuck. I really envision great things for Trent Edwards and Mike Richards.”

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In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.