A little truth serum would fix what's wrong with presidential debates

AP Photo | David Goldman/Eric Gay In a photo combo, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama speak during the first presidential debate at the University of Denver, Wednesday, Oct. 3, 2012, in Denver.

There's nothing wrong with
presidential debates that some truth serum and a cranky moderator wouldn't fix.

Moderator: "Welcome to this, the
third of four presidential debates. As you know, we administered 10 ccs of
truth serum to each of you backstage so if I feel you are veering off the
rails, I will sound a buzzer and the truth will come spilling out of you like
Nestles from a chocolate fountain. Let's begin. Mr. Romney, your opening
statement, please."

Romney: "Thank you. Let me begin by
saying that my opponent has ruined the country and is quite possibly the worst
leader in the history of the universe, with the possible exception of Moe
Howard of the Three Stooges. On the other hand, I am the next best thing since sliced bread."

Bzzzzzt!

Romney: "I ... OK, in truth President
Obama has done a pretty decent job fixing the mess his predecessor left him,
especially considering my party has done everything possible to prevent it, up
to and including shooting mental hate rays at him 24/7. Good gravy, did that just
come out me?"

Obama: "Thank you, as you know,
everything evil known to mankind stems from the administration of George W.
Bush. If it weren't for my incredible political and leadership skills, the
nation would have dissolved faster than crackers in water."

Bzzzt!

Obama: "But that's the ... oh, all
right. I've been great on a few things, average on most and flat-out awful on
the rest. And the only thing I haven't blamed Bush for is the War of 1812.
Happy now?"

Moderator: "Thank you, gentlemen.
Let's get down to brass tacks and settle a few things so voters can tell what
they're getting. Mr. Romney, did you mean what you said about the 47 percent?"

Romney: "Of course not! You know how
it goes – when you give a thousand speeches, things sometimes come out wrong. I
love the poor. Why, without them, who would clean my pools?"

Bzzzzt!

Romney: "OK, dammit. I meant it, all
right? I meant every word. The poor frighten me, and fear breeds loathing."

Moderator: "And how do you define
poor?"

Romney: "Anyone who earns less than
$50,000 a year."

Bzzzzt!

Romney: "OK, OK, anyone who doesn't
own one of the lesser Hawaiian islands."

Moderator: "Thank you. And Mr.
Obama, did you blow it with Libya, Syria and Afghanistan?"

Obama: "Of course not, in each case I
followed the most prudent course available after in-depth consultation with
foreign policy experts."

Bzzzzt!

Obama: "Curses! Yes, OK, I blew it
with all three, all right? To be honest, I know as much about foreign policy as
I know about putting together furniture from Ikea."

Romney: "I what?"

Moderator: "Let's discuss the
economy. Mr. Romney, would you really be able to cut the deficit and lower
taxes for the middle class at the same time?"

Moderator: "Sorry, reflex. Last
question, gentlemen: If elected, would the nation's best interests be your only
guide or would you largely act according to what's best for your respective
parties and the special interest groups that support them?"