Thursday, July 18, 2013

Brian Williams daughter is Allison Williams, Though we love her news anchor dad, we are worried about this young actress. Also today: let's analyze Suri Cruise for absolutely no reason, more exciting wedding news about the world's most important wedding, and Amanda Seyfried fesses up.

We all love Brian Williams. He's smart and funny and makes fun of the New York Times. So it's unsettling to hear that his daughter, Allison Williams, is headed down a dark path. The child is an actress, set to appear on Lena "Tiny Furniture" Dunham's new HBO show Girls, and now word comes today that she is dating CollegeHumor founder Ricky Van Veen. Noooo! Girls with "Allison" in their name don't do well dating CollegeHumor people. Trust us! Run away, Daughter of Brian! This can only end in disaster. [P6]

Here's an important question we should be asking ourselves today. Will sub-Saharan immigrants be treated fairly in war-torn Libya? Is 5 years old too old for a pacifier, especially if you're the child of a famous person? This is the ace question asked this morning about Suri Cruise, the foundling star-child of earth-being Katie Holmes and one "Tom Cruise," another "earth being" from "Earth." It seems the child, age five, was snapped in Vancouver sucking on a pacifier, holding a teddy bear, while going to get a cupcake with her mom. This is a good excuse to do a survey about if a pacifier is too babyish for a five-year-old! I mean, really, shouldn't she be wearing a bustier and passing out on a sheik's lap by now? We demand blood and scandal! Not silly baby things. Ridiculous. [Us]

Weddin' news! Prince William and Kate Middleton, the most special people to be married in the last 30 years, made their first visit to Westminster Abbey as a couple yesterday. This is where they will be married and a commoner will be executed and all the nobles will bathe in its blood and Harry won't be there, he'll be safe with me, in my zeppelin that I use to sail around the world.

Ahem. Anyway, the couple was there to figure out what music they're going to use. Ha, no, it's not going to be some pop music thing where Queen Elizabeth and Prince Andrew dance down the aisles to "Forever." No, the couple and Prince Charles were listening to "a full orchestra and a 14-boy choir rehearse potential musical selections for the big day." Aha. So on the actual "big day" those 14 boys will be put in a ceremonial cask and burnt alive while William and Kate strip to loincloths and give each other tribal tattoos, right? Meanwhile, far away, Harry will turn over in bed and say "You want some eggs?" and then he'll go make me eggs. Good wedding! [Us]

Someone named Sophie Monk was engaged to someone named Jimmy Esebag. Sophie Monk is a young actress from Australia and Jimmy Esebag is an old businessman from who knows where. Anyway, they were engaged and everyone was like "Gross?" But now everyone is like "Not gross" because it appears that Monk has broken it off with Esebag. So good. Doesn't that sound like the grossest law firm ever? "Come on down to Monk & Esebag, where we handle all matter of disputes regarding garbage and poop. Plus divorces." I'm glad they're not getting married. [ShowbizSpy]

Jenna Bush Hager, the daughter of Texas rancher George W. Bush and his librarian wife, is having trouble selling the Baltimore condo she and her husband bought before moving to New York City so Jenna would work on the Today show. Apparently they're asking $440,000 for the damn thing, which is the highest listing in the whole neighborhood. I can understand why they would ask for a higher-than-normal amount of money, though. I mean, wouldn't you pay extra to sleep where Jenna Bush has slept? [P6]

Will Alexander Skarsgård and Kate Bosworth break up? Who knows! But Ted Casablanca thinks they will because of how he is successful and she is not. Read the item! If nothing else it's a good reminder that somehow that is Ted Casablanca's job. To talk about celebrities no one cares about and just make up an item about them. Only in Slovakia! (That is where Ted Casablanca lives and is from, right? I mean, no native English-speaker would write like he does, would they?) [E!]

Mamma Mia! actress Amanda Seyfried has finally admitted, in the pages of Elle no less, that she and Ryan Phillipe, eleven years her senior, are dating. She also talks about her past relationship with Mamma Mia! actress Dominic Cooper, saying she got totally jeeped by the English prick. And jeeped hard. Good thing Ryan Phillipe has never jeeped on anyone ever. Good thing! [Us]