BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Just as the Stones kick off their new world tour, American writer Mike Luckman tells UK’s “Sun” tabloid he’s convinced extra-terrestrials are stalking Mick Jagger. The alien expert claims in a new book that creatures from another planet latched onto Mick back in the ‘60s and have been following him ever since. He says the Stones’ music seems to attract weird-looking aliens to Mick’s concerts. (Well, that’s one way of describing Keith Richards.)
• “Star” magazine reports that Jared Leto is aching to be a rock star and his band 30 Seconds to Mars has gotten its first big break with a video for their new single “Capricorn”. To help boost interest, Jared asked girlfriend Cameron Diaz to do a sexy cameo in a steamy shower washing off mud. But now the other band members don’t think the scene should be in the video because they’re afraid the focus would be on HER and not the group. (Gee, ya think?)
• According to “Express”, Julia Roberts, famous actress and non-shaver of armpits, is shaving something else these days – her face. Not for excessive facial hair. Seems she thinks nothing makes her skin glow more than a good ‘dermaplaning’. (Ouch!)
• “National Enquirer” says that one way “Osbournes” mom Sharon is maintaining sanity during her fight against colon cancer is by shooting a video diary. Her daily personal record of her 6-month chemotherapy is being filmed on a camera set up in her bedroom. But, she stresses, this video is private and will never air on the family show. Meantime, word is hubby Ozzy is planning a giant party to celebrate Sharon’s 50th birthday OCTOBER 9 and the theme will be ‘shopping’. Oz apparently wants to create a mini-mall near the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel exclusively for Sharon’s use. (Alright, that’s it! I’ve officially reached the point of ‘Osbourne Overkill’!)
• “PeopleNews” says Warner Bros is demanding that Brad Pitt pay back $19.5 million as an ‘exit fee’ for dumping out of the sci-fi flick “The Fountain” at the last minute. Pitt walked out LAST WEEK citing problems with the script just as filming was set to begin in Australia. The good news for wife Jennifer Aniston is now he can shave off the scraggly beard he grew for the role. (Helluva an expensive shave though!)
• “Ananova” reports that U2 will release their new greatest hits album, “The Best Of 1990-2000”, NOVEMBER 4 and it will contain the new single ”Electrical Storm” plus “The Hands That Built America” from the soundtrack of the upcoming Martin Scorsese movie “Gangs Of New York”.
• “Daily Mail” tells us Gwyneth Paltrow, who is currently sunning herself on a designer yacht, has been whining about her punishing schedule to anyone who’ll listen. She claims she will only have one weekend off in between films in the next few months. (How’s a poor millionairess supposed to cope?)
• “Star” reveals 27-year-old Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell and 33-year-old wife Leighanne are
expecting their first child, a boy due at the end of the year. Word is they’ve yet to decide on a name. (At what age does a Backstreet Boy become a Backstreet Man?)

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Wesley Snipes returns in the horror thriller sequel “Blade II” to form an uneasy alliance with the vampire council in order to combat the ‘Reapers’ who feed on vampires . . . The romantic comedy “Serendipity” stars John Cusack & Kate Beckinsale as a couple that reunites years after the night they first met, fell in love, and then separated, convinced that one day they’d end up together (this is screaming loudly – CHICK FLICK!!!!!) . . . And special edition DVD collections are out of “Friends” 2nd season, the 2nd season of “Stargate SG-1”, and “Star Trek: Next Generation’s” 4th season.

SUDS.COM:
IBM has launched a new ‘cyberlaundry’ service for college students. The eSuds systems links washers and dryers to the Internet, enabling students to keep an eye on when their laundry is finished simply by accessing the Web. (“Hey, who’s that guy trying on my underwear??!!!??”)

BIRDS LIKE MONEY, TOO:
After an intensive study of birds in urban areas, Arizona State University researchers have concluded that the richest neighborhoods have the largest and most diverse bird populations. Poor neighborhoods have the fewest birds and fewest species – even when they have a greater variety of trees. (“It’s too quiet, Jeeves – go buy me a flock of songbirds!”)

WHY NOT USE A GIANT STOP SIGN?
Hermann Burchard of Oklahoma State University tells “New Scientist” magazine that giant air-bags could one day save the world from the disaster of a collision with a giant comet. He believes that, rather than a nuclear warhead, it would be better to send up a spaceship equipped with a massive air-bag that could be inflated to several miles wide and used to gently buffet the invading solar body away from a collision course with Earth. “It seems a safe, simple and realistic idea,” he says. (While biting his lower lip in order not to burst into laughter.)

VINTAGE PLASTIC:
Cosmetic surgery was once limited mostly to middle-aged folks, but now it’s in demand among people over 65. Over the past 5 years the number of cosmetic surgeries among seniors has more than tripled. One Boston plastic surgeon says many of his patients are over 70 – including an 82-year-old woman who just had her breasts enlarged. (And raised off the floor.)

SILLY SURVEYS:
• According to customer surveys from international furniture retailer Ikea, 72% of men claim they sleep better on the couch, as opposed to 27% who say they sleep best next to their wife. (Well what’s a guy who has to sleep on the couch gonna say? I didn’t sleep well ‘cause the wife was punishing me?)
• A poll by the Quilted Northern toilet paper company reveals that 92% of us regularly read in the bathroom. The survey also shows that 48% of us spend potty time talking on the phone, while another 3% write letters. (Another reason to sniff the envelope before you open it.)
• According to a survey published in the journal “Medical Economics”, 33% of gynecologists have unsatisfying love lives. (Hey, does a plumber wanna go home and fix the toilet?)

WINDOW UNDRESSING:
A British couple will spend THIS WEEK in bed in the front window of a photo gallery, exposing themselves to curious gazes for the sake of art – and safe sex. Artist Liam Yeates created the odd ‘art exhibit’ in Soho, putting the couple on public display in their bed 24/7 with a condom machine hanging on the wall next to them to remind onlookers of the importance of safe sex. (Window shopping anyone?)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
Japanese workers take an average of just 6 days vacation a year. (If they hardly ever go on vacation, how come there are so many Japanese tourists?)
At least 16 US colleges and universities now offer chess scholarships!

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] “American Idol” finale
[Wed] Newspaper Carriers Day
[Thurs] Toronto International Film Festival begins
[Thurs] NFL Season opens
[Thurs] Be Late For Something Day
[Thurs] Canadian Open Golf Championship begins (Markham ON)
[Sat] US Open Tennis Championship Women’s Final
[Sun] US Open Tennis Championship Men’s Final
[Sun] Grandparents Day
[Sun] Pet Memorial Day

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ON THE 1ST DAY OF SCHOOL:• “Those jeans were really cool – when they were in fashion 5 years ago.”
• “So, I’m guessing you didn’t spend the summer at fat camp.”
• “Let’s begin Phys Ed by covering the basic rules of grab ass.”
• “Wow, the new shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy!”
• ”My name is Mrs Reinhart. You might remember me from last year as Mr Reinhart.
• “The creepy janitor has a cardboard cutout of you in the broom closet.”
• “Good morning! I’m your home room teacher, Mr Hitler.”

BS ‘RADIO JEOPARDY’:
Instruct your contestant to answer in the form of a question. Of course, they never get them right, it’s just an excuse for you to do the zinger!
GAME #1 –
• Kaleidoscope. (What instrument does a doctor use to examine your ‘kaleido’?)
• Jell-O and Anna Nicole Smith. (What’s cheap, quivers all over and can’t talk?)
• Bi-focal. (Name a focal that goes both ways.)
• Scallywags. (What does your ‘skally’ do when it’s happy?)
• A potato, Vin Diesel and “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”. (Name a spud, a stud and a dud.)

GAME #2 –
• Baja. (What noise do sheep make when they laugh?)
• Old wive’s tale. (What do cannibals find hard to digest?)
• Kumquat. (What do you say when calling your ‘quat’?)
• Low fat. (Who will play the bad guy in the next Jackie Chan movie?)
• Follow the yellow brick road. (What’s the easiest way to find the urologist’s office?)
NET: The “Jeopardy” ‘thinking music’ is here – http://soundamerica.com/sounds/themes/Television/I-L/

BS REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
• You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
• You can trade a .44 for two .22’s.
• If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
• Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
• A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
• Handguns function normally every day of the month.
• A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”
• A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’ve used it.
• You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
• A handgun won’t tell all of its friends if you’re a ‘little fast on the trigger’.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Do you use yours? 85% of people who buy these never use them.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Pianos.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nowadays traffic is so bad, you’re lucky to get to work in the same car you started out in.