Thursday, September 13, 2007

GOP-Harmony

MAN #1It’s hard when you’re holding hands with someone at a prayer breakfast and wondering, am I feeling more than the power of Jesus?

Cut to another pair of men, also dressed in suits.

MAN #3The guys I’d meet randomly would find out I’m a Republican and want to get into it about Bush. I’d tell them, hey, if I wanted to get into bush, I’d be home with my wife.

MAN #2Yeah, I didn't hire you to be the speaker, I hired you to be the whip!

Cut to the GOP-Harmony spokesman.

SPOKESMANAt GOP-Harmony, we put you in touch with conservative congressmen, party leaders, and “reporters” looking for someone special for at least 15 minutes. We use 29 distinct items to match you to the perfect liaison.

MAN #4It’s not easy to find a man who’s into tax cuts, nation building, and bare-backing. (raises his partner’s hand) But I did!

MAN #3I'd look like a real hypocrite if I used condoms—I’m chair of the Presidential Commission on Abstinence!

SPOKESMANWith GOP-Harmony, you don’t have to worry about messy exposés or embarrassing mug shots. We rigorously check out all of our members, weeding out officers, agents, reporters, bloggers….

Cut to another pair of men. One is dressed as Ronald Reagan, the other as Nancy.

REAGAN MANNow I never have to ask, “Are you a cop or from The New York Times?”

NANCY MANUnless we’re role-playing! (laughs)

SPOKESMANAnd you have our GOP-Harmony Guarantee—none of the men you’ll meet are gay!

Cut back to the first two men.

MAN #2When people ask me if I’m gay, I ask them, “If I was gay, would I be voting against gay marriage?”

MAN #1Exactly! I just want to have sex with guys, not a relationship with them.

MAN #2Thank you, GOP-Harmony!

Cut to the Spokesman.

SPOKESMANSo what are you waiting for, a subpoena? Go online today to complete your confidential, fully encrypted GOP-Harmony profile. Act now and you’ll also receive our free, full color Congressional Page-a-Day calendar, the perfect way to get up in the morning!

They're not singing opera, they're singing "When the eagle soars" with fellow senators! Repubs will increase funds at their Minneapolis Convention next year if they install pay toilets! Anybody got a quarter?