It’s been days since the church trunk or treat, but it’s still not October 31st. So I can’t quite get up the nerve to throw away our bucket’o Halloween candy. Mark my words, if I don’t throw it away this very second, I will eat all of it before Halloween night.

My friend saw me yesterday and asked, “Are you feeling okay?”

I said, “I feel like I have pressure goggles on. I haven’t eaten anything but mini candy bars all day.”

“You should eat a vegetable,” she said. “Come to my house. I’ll give you carrots.”

I said, “I have carrots. They just never made it into my mouth.” Truth be told, I didn’t want carrots. I wanted the 34 left over Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. What? They’re orange.

All this candy is making me nonsensical. I called my sister six times – frantic . . . I can’t even remember why. I called friends multiple times and left messages. This particular phone message exemplifies my candy induced brain frenzy: “This is . . . um . . . Polly . . . my blog font thingies don’t look. Your font is . . . did you CSS? But yours look good. So don’t worry about it. How are you? I’m new at this. I like the Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man.”

What will I say if she actually calls me back?

“I was under the influence of 50 kilos of snack sized Almond Joys.” That’s what I’ll say.

Just today, all kidding aside, I opened a can of soup for lunch, then went to get a bowl. When I saw the bucket’o Halloween candy, I instantly forgot about the bowl, forgot about the soup, grabbed three mini-candy bars and started anxiously checking my email over and over. Then five minutes ago, I walked into the kitchen and wondered, “What is an open can of soup doing on the counter?”

Red Flag.

Next year, I’ll go on vacation the last two weeks of October. To China. They don’t celebrate Halloween in China. In fact, when I taught in China, the students offered me a popsicle. And then they gave me a bunch of frozen kidney beans on a stick.

I said, “This is not a popsicle. This is a bunch of frozen kidney beans on a stick.”

If I can’t go to China, to avoid the hysteria caused by this years sugar binge, I will be giving away fun-sized packages of kidney beans.