epistolary romance

Dear Barack: WND Has Exposed Our Secret Marriage And I Can No Longer Stay Silent

My Dearest Barry-Bear: I know you told me we could never speak of our love. I know I signed that confidentiality agreement when you ran for the Senate, and, yes, I remember the Secret Service’s little “visits” to my luxurious penthouse apartment when you thought I might show up at the Inauguration. I know about the drones that follow me day and night.

But I can no longer hold my tongue! (Remember how you used to like that?) WorldNet Daily KNOWS, baby. They are on to the truth at last, and I have to say that, difficult though I know the coming days are going to be for both of us, I for one feel a sense of relief. I won’t have to live this lie anymore, won’t have to live in denial about our secret gay marriage in Pakistan in 1988. You were so cute in your burqa, babe! But now, as I used to quip in a totally non-racist way when you had morning wood, “the jig is up”! WND’s Jerome Corsi has been asking some very inconvenient questions about all the many gaps in your supposed history, and now he wants to know why photographs show you wearing a ring on your wedding-ring finger before your 1992 sham marriage to Michelle (Hi, Michelle! No offense, darling, but you know your role in this little charade, and I think it’s high time we all start being Real, you know?)

And now WND has dug up that old parody issue of the Harvard Law Revue with the incriminating “joke” about how one of your “recent accomplishments” was “Deflecting Persistent Questioning About Ring on Left Hand.” As we knew at the time, hiding out in our love nest on the commune, those little grad school jokes were hitting just a little too close to home, weren’t they, lover? I guess I blame myself–after all, I was the one who encouraged you to become editor at the Law Review, and I said nothing when your pals wrote that little fake review article that was full of inside jokes about the mystery of your origins and the arcana of law school. Jerome Corsi knows that, even though the piece is packed with sophomoric humor-like passages, law school students would never stoop to a cheesy pun unless it had far greater significance:

One line of the “self-tribute” said: “I invited my underlings to join me for a ‘pot luck’ dinner at my understated and mature apartment.” The line suggests Obama continued to smoke marijuana through his law school days, despite repeated assertions by his 2008 presidential campaign that he stopped using the drug either after attending Occidental College or after graduating from Columbia in 1982.

I tell you, Bare-Bear, this organization is good. Corsi has clearly been taking lessons from his colleage Jack Cashill, whose close-reading skills rival those of the average 19-year old Comp Lit major. There is no line of text too dense for him to unpack, and I fear that there is no longer any use in your even trying to hide from the crew of postmodern critics that is WorldNet Daily. They have even sussed out that the ring on your finger cannot possibly be your high school ring! If it is not a high school ring, then what can it be? People do not simply wear rings on their wedding-ring fingers if they are not married! Such a thing is never done, and WND knows this.

Sweet-hunks, it’s clear that WND is on the trail of the truth, now, and it’s time for all of us to come clean. I can no longer live this lie, my ebony Hawaiian treasure, and so I must let you know that I will be sending Jerome Corsi all of the college junk you were storing in my spare room, as well as Michelle’s “whitey” tape. I know the timing is not exactly right. I know that our plan all along was for you to be re-elected and to seize all the guns and declare yourself Emperor of Ice Cream, after I revealed my true identity when my “Donald Trump” character accepted the GOP nomination (it really would have been the realization of my greatest prank ever!) But events have, as they so often do, outpaced our dreams. I wish you well, my love, and remember, we’ll always have Jakarta.

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
He loves upvoting your comments but Disqus is broken and his upvotes don't "stick." Just assume he upvoted what you said, because it was excellent and witty.

My baby daddy.The President next on The Murry show! "Barry, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

Come here a minute

THE KISS CAM WAS AN INSIDE JOB,!

SexySmurf

Obama liked smoking weed so much he put a ring on it.

Extemporanus

Good one, Clifton!

I_P

WHAR MARRIG CERTIFUKAT WHAR!!!11!!!!!

/wash, rinse, repeat…

StealthMuslin

WorldNet Daily is like the Bible for … schizos? Assclowns? Chronic self-abusers? Oh, fuck it, it's like the Bible.

hagajim

You know that's where the Men in Black get their info – right?

Beowoof

Oh Barry, another woman or man when you have a hottie like Michelle at home. Say it isn't so. Or you could say Jerome Corsi, it an ignorant buffoon paid by guys like T. Boone Pickens to go after John Kerry and yourself. And that Corsi regularly supplements his income working the Glory Hole at the Adult Video Palace and Porn Shop in Laredo.

Suggested new questions for form 4473, the Firearm Transaction Record, that is required before a purchaser can acquire a gun:
Do you believe President Obama is an American citizen who was born in Hawaii? Y__N__
Do you believe dangerous forces have infiltrated the federal government and are about to take over this country? Y__N__
Do you ever receive instructions from your dog or your neighbor's dog regarding who you should shoot? Y__N__

PubOption

I assume the form will be examined by Joe Arpaio.

Limeylizzie

Who in their right mind would cheat on Michelle? Who in their right mind would believe any fucking word that came out of Jerome Corsi's cakehole?

PsycWench

True dat. If I heard Jerome Corsi say that it was sunny when I was getting ready for the day, first I would call the police because no way he was invited. Then I would get my umbrella.

TavariousChinaSmith

I don't know who would cheat on Michelle, but I would gladly cheat with Michelle.

I hate the new Impalas. Those fucking tailights drive me nuts but that's beside the point. I love Vlad's cause–will do what I can. Dammit, my 110k Protege needs a timing belt! (why the hell aren't more engines freewheelin'?)

My mom repainted it in about 1982; it's deteriorated some since that 2001 photo. I'm thinking of going with primer gray, which announces to the world "I am totally going to do a real restoration someday, man, soon as I get that next big paycheck."

Well, that's it. I'm convinced. I'm totally, absolutely, unquestionably convinced. Every single person at WND is a brain-damaged crack baby hooked up to an IV that pumps mescaline directly into their bloodstreams 24/7.

So you guys have a writer's room like on Dick Van Dyke, where you sit around bouncing zingers off each other and practicing musical bits like that "We Are 3 Fine Musicians" number? "My tuba, my tuba, I like to play my tuba…"

Pretty much, except for all those ring-bolts embedded in one wall. No one will tell me what those are for.

Barb_

Dear Chet, I hope that you will look back and read this.
I appreciate your kind words. I looked at your website and couldn't find a clickable contact link.
You are a real man and I wish more people were like you. Thanks!

You are quite welcome, Barb! Just trying to be one of the grown ups around here. I'm glad it's resolved and the juveniles have moved on — and happy you didn't stay away too long. Sorry you missed the clue-box among the jazz laffs!

Barb_

I will look again, my friend.

HistoriCat

When you get one of those moments of inspiration you just have to go with it.

Slim_Pickins

Wow, all these years and no one, NO ONE, guessed that Michele was actually Andy in drag! Those "crazy eyes" should have been the tip off….

Thanks WND for finally exposing the Islamic terrorist Pakistani Great Neck Long Islanders who've been so silently and oh so slyly passing as Jews for lo these many generations. I've long suspected that Fanny Brice's nose could hold at least five dirty bombs.

Could I have an amusing song, then, please? Because Mitt RMONEY is busy telling people in the UK that they should help him get elected because that furrin' Barack dood is too furrin' to understand that Anglo-Saxon comity that can only occur when two white men love each other very much. And I am feeling very nauseated.

Thanks.

redarmyzombie

MittBorg, I JUST ate! Now I need to get my stomach pumped, thank you very much…

I'm sorry. It really is disgusting hearing him go on about the "Anglo-Saxon" understanding that he, unlike the President, hopes to enjoy with the white people ruling the UK.

If it's any consolation, hearing it made me so sick I have taken to my bed in despair. I may never leave.

redarmyzombie

You know, if *I* were a floundering presidential hopeful, the last thing I'd want is to have my opponent running ads about foreign money funding my campaign, especially if they show me touting my skin color as a basis for foreign policy.

But then, in order for Willard to understand that, he'd first need to be capable of human emotion…

I'm wondering if we should take up a collection to get an empathy chip for Willard. He lied about what the Australian FM said to him, now he's playing the race card in the UK, what next? He's an idiot. He's been running for POTUS for 12 years, and his own house is still a mess, with tax returns and Swiss bank accounts everywhere. I despair.

va_real

I keep getting the yellow screen of death. Or French's mustard. I blame Lance Armstrong.

For some reason this reminds me of visiting some folks in Georgia who served us cheese with Georgia Crackers. Georgia Crackers was the actual brand name, but I can find no mention of them on teh Google.

I love folk music of any nation, so hillbilly/bluegrass really appeals to me, especially given its links to Irish and Scottish folk music. The use of the fiddle in American country music is a topic for an entire book.

OTH, America and FOOD, I have a little trouble with. I will say that Italian Americans, thank goodness, did not let go of their fine culinary traditions, even if this country has tried to reduce them to greasy pizza and horrible fat-laden pastas. But everything else — even the Chinese food here — horrible. Utterly horrible.

va_real

Different areas of the country have foodways that I find fascinating. The upper Midwest & its Eastern European & Scandinavian traditions, TexMex, Louisiana with it's French/Cajun flavors…

I grew up in the SC Lowcountry with a mishmash of culinary influences… Scotch/Irish/English, Huguenot French & Afro-Caribbean- it's all there- with rice & seafood playing the starring roles. An old joke asks how Charlestonians are like the Chinese? (They both eat rice & worship their ancestors.)

French and Afro-Caribbean, I could get it up for. After traveling through England and Ireland, I respectfully beg to disagree with anyone who labels their comestibles "food."

Of course, I should add that I grew up in a country with all kinds of incredibly tasty, inexpensive food, with influences ranging from Indian through Persian, Arabic, Chinese, Thai, Indonesian, Portuguese, Burmese, and Kampuchean, and when I was growing up, there were no bottled or packaged foods. Everybody made everything fresh from scratch.

However, I'm always willing to be educated out of my prejudices, so please, feel free to point me to anything that will expand my knowledge of food in these heah parts.

I will say that I do like Cajun food, largely because of the clever use of French techniques, although it tends to be heavier on flour and oil and fats and processed meats than I care for in general. But I'm good at adapting recipes, so fire away.

I certainly plan to experiment! Cooking is one thing I can still do, although not as easily as I used to. But it's still something enjoyable, and I plan to do it till they drag me off to the boneyard. Thank you for your contribution to my culinary experiments.

redarmyzombie

MittBorg, have you ever been to the California Bay Area? 'Cause we've got some DAMN good cuisine here, what with all the Brownz an' Furrinerz we got!

(Seriously, you gotta love a town that has more Tandoori spots than churches.)

Yes, darling, I have. And I will say that California has, bar none, the best food in the USA. (Of course, I've only ever been to Utah, Arizona, New York, Connecticut, New Mexico, Georgia (ATL only), Oregon, and Washington, so maybe I'll have to do an updated culinary tour of the missing states?)

BerkeleyBear

One of the most delightfully odd classes I took in college was historical archeology. The professor (whose name I never knew) was really big on colonial work, espeically slave dwellings. But his other passion was the Hillbilly and true country music (his people were North Carolina Hillfolk). He spent a whole 2 hour lecture demonstrating the fiddle, mandolin, and dulcimer and talking about their similarities, differences and roles in country life. It was just mindblowing, especially since it was one of only 4 or 5 lectures I managed to drag myself to in the class, and it has stuck with me for more than a decade.

Fascinating. And congrats on going back to grad school! It's going to be tough, but I feel a mite reassured at the thought that you'll be one of our Public Health Policy movers and shakers someday soon.

I thought that was @RafalcaRomney, Mittens' little horsie, who did that.

Tundra Grifter

Dear Penthouse:

I really never thought that it could happen to me. I met this guy…

WinterOuthouse

He stole the ring from John McCain and then McCain's nuts went numb. True Story.

mavenmaven

Look, WND reveals that the birther story is false: "A photograph of Obama with his Grandmother Sarah from his first trip to Kenya in 1987".
It wouldn't have been his first trip to Kenya had he been born there!
Gotcha moment, WND!

Obama was plucked from the birth canal directly into the time portal for his indoctrination by Stalin and Hitler. His mother was then rushed by UFO back to Hawaii to submit the false birth announcements and submit forged papers for the "birth certificate"

Wouldn't being secretly married have put a damper on his burgeoning CIA career, though?

I hear that Barry fellow was a big up-and-comer in the CIA division of Assassinating White People and Giving Their Land to Negroes, after all. I'm not sure why he would have put that all on line to get secretly (and, let's not beat around the bush, here: almost certainly gay-)married.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Secretly married and wearing a ring … two activities that always go well together.

I have to imagine people at WND sitting around, laughing hysterically and trying to top one another, wondering if there's anything they could possibly publish that would decrease sales to their brain-damaged readership.

Madam Killjoy

Jesus Christ. Don't these people have anything better to do?

OT: Sadface because I can no longer even lurk at work due to new super sonic web filter that hates my Wonkette because you are some sort of nefarious newslistgroupthingy :(

Being able to read Wonkette at work is what Steve Jobs invented the iPhone for. True story.

Madam Killjoy

But I can't read the comments on my iPhone!! (No offense to those who slave here for wages, or page views, or whatever they feed those who toil in the tubes; but I want me some comments)
/ 1st world problem to the extreme

emmelemm

When I go to the Wonkies on my (Android) phone, which I seldom do, the mobile site loads automatically, but if you scroll down to the bottom, there's links for "Mobile | Original". If you click on Original, you can get to the comments. But of course, it then loads slower than all get-out.

Your mileage may vary.

Madam Killjoy

Thank you (and Biff and HistoriCat, too) for being so servicey! I tried the "original" option but it doesn't show the comments. Must be the iPhone's problem. However! Good news – my Wonkette was mysteriously allowed through the web filters today, so huzzah!

I have not, though I keep meaning to. I thought that the (opening? closing?) credits are over The Bobs' "Andy Always Dreamed of Wrestling", or maybe that was just something the Bobs said at a concert before the movie came out…it doesn't appear to be in the soundtrack…

va_real

It's been a little while since I saw the movie, so the fact that I don't remember the Bobs song doesn't mean much. That's cool, though…

I'm pretty sure REM provided at least 2 songs, but that's all I recall of the soundtrack.

coolhandnuke

Way to shop the "White Label" hooch in there WND. Wouldn't a 40oz fit your binary narrative?

hey you guys this is totally OT but you are all dear to me so i tell you anyway.

i came home today and found that my beautiful black and white gay (male) supermodel had left us. as he was technically supposed to have left us in about april of 2011 (and we lost his cage brother – my avatar – in 2008) this shouldn't have been a surprise. however, thru a happy combination of opiates, daily fluids and other assorted pharmacopoeia we had convinced ourselves that he was invincible.

I'm very sorry to read this. On Mother's Day we lost our beloved Bandit, a wonderful golden retriver (mostly – a little German shephard). He was an orphan we picked up from the mean streets of Oakland, and for seven years he lit up our life.

Flat out he was just the best dog in the world – all he ever wanted was to be loved and petted and walked and be part of our family. He was named Bandit because he made out like a bandit when we found him – and because he stole our hearts from the very first day.

Edit– also, visitors to fuflans' Harry pics really need to click on the pics to embiggen them, and appreciate just what a handsome fellow he was. I'm cat-sitting my ex's furry doofus, Snickers, and will give him extra ear-scritches in Harry's memory.

So sad to lose a beloved animal. Sorry.
When she was little, my daughter asked me why we had a dog, since we knew it would be gone before all of us. I told her that was the dilemma of pet owners. You have to weigh the heartbreak of losing them with the joy of knowing them. I believe we win in the end. I have three dogs, and their ages are staggered, (2,7,14), so (hopefully), I'l never be without their company.

I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is the hardest thing (especially because it is inevitable that they die first).

Jennyjen798

My earlier comment was eaten by Mike Huckabee or something…
Anyways. Marriage records are public records. If they were so damned concerned about it they could, you know, go searching REAL STATE RECORDS for it. Who knows they might even find them online, maybe.

This is WND, after all. They might start looking at stuff like that, but after finding nothing, they'd "discover" that some minor bureaucrat who worked with marriage records died in a car crash in 2009 that "was officially ruled to be an 'accident' by the police after a hasty investigation."

Jennyjen798

Oh right! The little old lady who stamped the certificate suddenly died of a heart attack (CIA DRONES?!?!?!?!) taking Obummer's secret kenyan muslin marriage to the GRAVE!

I mean I could think of a bunch of reasons off the top of my head as to why he would wear a wedding ring

1) It was a cutesy joke between him and a girlfriend (maybe him and Michelle, like I really care who he was dating back then)

2) He had a crazy girlfriend who wanted him to put a ring on it ala Levi and Bristol. THAT'S HER MAN YOU GUYS!

3) Wedding rings are total pussy magnets. Seriously some women just love that challenge. Although I doubt he really had a problem in that area.

4) It was his mom's ring that she wore when she married his dad. He put it on for the rumors and lolz. Who knew it would work decades later? Trolololol! Obama =Grand Master Sensei of Trolling.

"A publication produced by Harvard law students in 1990 confirms Barack Obama wore a ring on his wedding-ring finger before he married Michelle in 1992."

Tomato, tomahto, law review, law revue. Because you always wear a ring when you want to hide it. See how he's hiding his left hand in the photo? And he took the ring off every time his left hand was photographed. EVERY TIME!!! More positive proof than this, could not be imagined!

I do hope Michelle gets to see this copy of WingNut Daily, because I like the thought of her dragging Bamz to bed with a big grin and 'forcing' him to tell her all about it. (I think about this in a very respectful and abstract way, of course.)

I know. Problem is, the nearest drugstore has a little old Chinese lady who runs the cashier. I go in, grab the KY, get in the line, and I just…I just can't do it, every time I see that little old lady, I just can't…

Right. I can MAIL you some. Or, you know, break down and get a charge account at Good Vibrations, dude. I think they mail you that stuff in a plain brown wrapper.

redarmyzombie

Thanks, but I'll manage on my own somehow. Number one, I live with my parents still, and second, the day I take lubricant and/or sex toys as charity will be the day I consider myself a failure. Granted, not nearly as much of a failure as Louie Gofuckhimself, but it will be a very depressing day nonetheless.

Yes, Good Vibrations. Back when I still worked in the Valley some of those terrible WIMMINZ in the offices organized an expedition just so they could terrorize the rest of us. You never heard so many embarrassed giggles in your life. Grown people! Hell, OLD people. Snickering like teenagers at teh giant purple silicon dildos.

Biff

Good Vibrations has now supplanted Amazon in my bookmarks folder, thank you.

You could buy a whole pile of crap, and sort of casually toss in the K-Y.

Then she yells out to her husband in the back of the store, "HOW MUCH IS THE K-Y?" "WHAT?" "THE K-Y LUBE!" (Waves it around over her head.) "HOW MUCH?"

Might as well get the large family size.

redarmyzombie

"No, you don't understand! I need it for, ah…for…ah, fuck it, do you carry the twelve-pack?"

Biff

It's like me buying condoms. I go to the store I never go to (walmart) and pick the youngest, prettiest cashier's line. Their flustered embarrassment is just precious. Hey, at my age, I'll take my entertainment wherever I can.

True story: Our local "newspaper"( its like a website but its made out of paper! Weird right?) prints Jerome Corsi columns as if they were real news.But only when they don't get enough jesus-y letters to the editor to fill the empty spaces.

It's very sweet of you to share such beautiful things with us all. I can't thank you enough.

Troubledog

wharrgarbl.jpg

BerkeleyBear

I'm stunned the HLR folks managed to crank out a parody volume. Law Review is a giant time suck, the top review is a double time suck and pack it on to being Harvard and you might understand why half the jokes are about the people who basically live in their offices. And the footnotes are a properly Bluebooked laugh riot (at least the ones I got).

dopper0189

Selling snake oil is so 20th century, the greatest con game in the 21st century is selling fake information to conservative conspiracy freaks. I have a guy in Nigeria that will sell you "real copies of Obama's Kenyan birth certificate" for only $19.99. Beats the hell out of 419 scams.

Lest you think this is a joke Orly Tiaz paid a guy in Kenya $10,000 who then produced a fake "real" Obama birth certificate. Of course this was after he cashed the check, and sent her a " ha ha ha sucker" email!

C_R_Eature

If there's anyone else out there who needs a break from the latest man-made catastrophe in the news or this seemingly unending parade of political Kardashian equivalents, you should go and look at This Photo.

(Hugs the C_R_Eature) You sure do know how to take one's mind off Teh Ugleh.

That was wonderful. Thanks, CRE.

DahBoner

Andy?

No, the ring came from Lilly Thomlin!

One ringy dingy…

Dildeaux

"WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!1!"

ttommyunger

Well, that does it; I'm voting for Romney.

Estproph

Imagine a world where these nuts are actually correct:

-All technology actually works by angels and God's will. Internal combustion engines, electronics, computers, everything. All powered by faith and the actions of supernatural beings.

-All of history has happened because of conspiracies. WWII wasn't a bunch of nations fighting each other, and the Yalta conference really had nothing to do with anything because 3 guys in a back alley in Omaha planned out the entire war.