8 Practical Ways to Change Your Self-Description

How we talk to ourselves matters. Numerousstudies indicate that our self-description, in a very real way, becomes the end to which we live.

The words we use with ourselves—both aloud and in our mind—begin to define the reality that we live.

When we describe ourselves as lazy, undisciplined, or prone to procrastination, we begin to reflect those patterns in our everyday life. On the other hand, when we change the words we use to describe ourselves (both internally and externally) focusing on positive attributes, we begin to display those positive behaviors more frequently.

In athletics, we see this all the time. Athletes are encouraged to visualize making the shot, sinking the putt, or winning the game. Interestingly, we also see it in small mechanical reminders… “keep your head down,” “elbow in,” and “follow through.” This positive self-talk becomes more than the self-description we begin to live towards, it also serves as healthy instruction on the kind of lives we want to live.

Often times, declaring to ourselves that we can accomplish a task or follow through with a desired change is the first step in achieving it.

How then, do we go about changing our self-talk? Many of the negative thoughts that shape our thinking have been around us for decades, ingrained in to us at a young age, so subtle we barely recognize them.

Simply knowing that these negative thoughts are harmful is not enough. We need to intentionally replace them with positive self-talk. Here are eight practical strategies you can use to change your self-description:

1. Start in the morning. At the beginning of each day, make it a practice to speak positive, encouraging words into your life. Find room for it in your morning routine. If you are looking for some ideas, Farnoosh Brock has a list of 100 positive affirmations.

2. Remind yourself of who you desire to become. Too often, we notice our weaknesses and the things we’d like to change about ourselves. This awareness begins to characterize the description we paint of ourselves in a negative light. But rather than focusing on them as attributes we lack, begin declaring them as characteristics we are becoming. This can be accomplished with a simple word change. Rather than thinking, “I’m just not __________,” begin saying, “I am becoming more __________.”

3. Ruthlessly replace negative thoughts with positive words. No two physical objects can occupy the same space at the same time. Begin applying this same principle to your thoughts. When you recognize negative self-talk happening, exchange it for a more positive self-description immediately—like changing a dirty shirt for a clean one.

4. Recall accomplishments in your life. When you get stuck in a negative cycle, meditate on the accomplishments in your life—the big accomplishments and the small ones. Determine the positive attributes that must have been present for those to occur. And begin focusing more on those positive traits than any negative descriptions.

5. Call out the behavior you want to see. There are times when our self-talk can be more than motivational, it can also be instructional. Similar to how an athlete might remind himself or herself to “keep your head down and follow through,” we can speak into our life’s specific behaviors. For example, if you wish to procrastinate less, try intentionally calling out positive behaviors that would counteract it, “Sit down and just get started for just five minutes.”

6. Ask yourself if you’d treat a friend in the same way. The old adage rings true, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” We apply this principle to our external relationships, try applying it to your internal relationship as well. Take captive your thoughts and ask yourself, “Would I speak this way to my friend?” If the answer is no, replace your disparaging self-talk with something more uplifting.

7. Change “I” to “You.” Sometimes, when talking to yourself, the way you do it makes a difference. Researchers have found people who spoke to themselves as another person would—using their own name or the pronoun “you”—performed better under stress than people who used the word “I.” People whose self-talk used their names or “you” even reported less shame and ruminated less than the ones who used “I.”

8. When failures happen, identify the lessons you are learning. Difficult seasons are part of life. When failures do happen, make your self-description more positive by reframing it as lessons you are learning. Rather than saying “I’m no good,” think “I’m learning perseverance and discipline and how to work even harder than I did before.” This changes the conversation we are having from self-defeating, to self-improving.

Our words matter. The description we offer about ourselves often becomes the finish line we move toward. Let’s make sure the finish line we are painting is in the exact place we want it to be.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Great ideas. I totally agree that words and thoughts are powerful and to be chosen wisely. This often comes up with the women I work with (especially the idea that if you wouldn’t say it to your best friend or sweet daughter don’t say it to yourself). And despite working on this for years, on occasion I need to shift a message I’m using/believing about myself.

Living in the New York, New Jersey area substituting “I” to “You” could be a problem. Speaking in the third person can be problematic on the subway. LOL.
I love the idea of positive re-enfocement beginning in the morning and consciously working it in throughout the day.

This is a fantastic article and perfect timing for me. I’ve been told that I use strong negative self talk, so it’s really important to remember to be as kind to myself as I would be to my family and friends. Thanks for the great reminder and excellent tips.

This is the very thing that causes unnecessary struggle and pain. It’s so fascinating to me that we can live an entire life going through such personal struggle by the words that are rummaging through our heads. All most likely made up stories we tell ourselves. The confabulations we rest our identities on. The biggest thing for me over the past few years as I have been practicing mindfulness and living a more intentional life is becoming aware of those negative words and knowing that it’s not me saying them, it’s my ego. This is the very thing the ego feeds off of, our negative self talk. The more we have negative self talk the more we are feeding the ego. It’s having that space between stimulus and responses and calling it out, “that’s not me, that was my ego.” It’s a daily, moment-to-moment effort and it’s so hard…. great article and great conversation.

My wife and I recently had the discussion about #6. She battles low self-esteem, and I said to her, “Would you say the things you say to yourself to a friend?”

Of course the answer is no, because, well, we’d all be terrible friends, or no friend at all, if we talked to others the way we talk to ourselves. Yet, many of us do it — every day. So how do we change this? The points you make in this post are a very good start.

Negativity bias is an interesting topic to me, particularly as someone who suffers from anxiety and has since his first memory (though I’ve learned how to manage it pretty well over the last year through lifestyle changes (exercise, meditation, time management, minimalism, etc.).

To summarize what negativity bias is, negativity has a greater effect on our psychological state than positivity to the point where for every one negative event, emotion, etc. someone experiences, it takes three positive happenings to achieve a proper mental balance again.

As a society inundated with constant negativity, it’s hard to offset 3-to-1.

Much like Thich Nhat Hanh says about watering the seeds of positivity instead of watering negative seeds. The seeds we water will sprout, be the seed negative or positive, so be mindful of the dormant seeds within us that thirst.

The mindset with which someone tackles an obstacle in their lives can really make or break the results. Almost every person I’ve every worked with to get out of debt that wasn’t really serious about achieving their goal engaged in negative self talk. I could hear it and know almost with certainty who would fail and who would achieve financial freedom. This is a must read for anyone struggling to get out of debt.

I have made a promise to myself recently to stop talking to myself in a negative way to help deal with my anxiety, but it can be hard to recognize when I am being negative. I found #6 and #7 really interesting, Thank you for sharing

Thanks for another thought provoking article. I feel #8 Identify Lessons – is essential for our personal growth. The ability to stop in the moment and ponder what we are supposed to be learning is crucial in how we will respond to a similar situation…next time.
Also, further to #4 Recall Accomplishments – I have kept a file on my computer of the emails I have received over the years. Some are from past students, their parents and even just the simple – “thanks for getting back to me so quickly” message. I never look in that file, but I know it is there when I am having a less than ideal (!) day.

I am teaching a college-level communications class and would like to ask your permission to include this article in my course reader. It is hard to find material to use that addresses intra-personal comm, especially as well as this does. Of course, your name will appear as the author and your work will be properly cited :-)