Letters I'll Never Send

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I just wrote the opening of this letter as Boyfriend instead of Ex. Going back to change it was hard, because I think that in my mind you’ll always be Boyfriend. It’s always hard thinking of you and everything I put you through. I feel like you deserve someone better than me, and that’s why I broke up with you. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I just couldn’t live with lying to you.

I slept with him. At least, I think I did. You trusted me and I got so drunk that the only thing that stands out in my mind through the darkness is my lips touching his. The one thing I remember is that I fucked up. I just pushed it to the back of my mind and told myself I imagined it.

I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t want to leave you. You told me that cheating on you would hurt more than anything else in the world, so I left. I tried to save us both the pain of facing the reality. I know you’re still looking for answers, but I just don’t have them right now. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t think I can ever tell you the real reason.