This might sound silly to some people, but it's something that I just learned and realized recently.

I've learned that having a structured life is very important. I use to live day by day not knowing what I'll be doing next. It caused a lot of damage. I became lazy and I procrastinated a lot. I missed out on so many things in life.

My eyes are just beginning to open and I feel like I'm making a 360 degree turn in my life.

How did this come about you may ask?....or maybe not. I'm going to tell you anyways. Recently, I noticed I started feeling envious of some friends of mine. Why am I where I'm at and why are they where they are at? They had goals and amibtions from the beginning. They had good support that pushed them far. I kind of lacked both. So, instead of looking at it in a negative way and dwell on the fact that my friends are way better than I am, I'm taking control of my life.

Mistakes are apart of life. No matter how old you are, you can always do something to turn it around.

I also learned that I must always be completely honest with myself and with everyone around me. It's not good to bottle anything in. It's just going to cause more damage to the people you care about and yourself. If you feel strongly about something, just come out and say it. Why wait to see if something is going to get better without saying something? Life is too short. Just do it!

hmm...that's all for now. I gotta take care of my laundry now._________________"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

I just read your post again and it came out different than when I first read it. Perhaps it was because I was so tired after the trip that I couldn't read it right the first time.

Indeed, having a structure -- a plan, a goal -- is very important in life, even if you may not be following it perfectly. What things in life are ever perfect?

In any case, I wasn't any different than you long time ago. Perhaps due to pressure from work, lack of confidence in my abilities, or just plain tiredness did I unknowingly start giving up on living life the way it SHOULD be lived. It's not only about getting a good career going (even if the intention was to make enough money so that your family -- your wife, your children -- won't have to worry about it), but also about not forgetting who you are and what makes you strong and special -- to not allow work, or anyone, make you lose your identity in any way.

You don't have to prove to your parents that you can make it big. All you have to do is prove to YOURSELF that you are strong. Strong enough to stand on your own two feet. Have confidence in the things you do and explore the things you've always wanted to do so that perhaps one day you will be able to share all the experiences with the ones that matter the most to you, at whatever stage in life you may find yourself.

Just today my company's President called me in to have a new-employee chit-chat. And as scary as it may have appeared at that time, I did something gutsy that no other employee dared to do: I asked him if he'd sponsor a guitar club for the company where one of the professional guitarists (a fellow co-worker) would teach some employees how to play guitars. He exclaimed that it was an "excellent idea" and approved it on the spot. I still remember dragging my lower jaw all the way back to my cubicle. I did similar things with the Director of IT and to this day, I have realized: I have become stronger. I am myself.

For some time I too was envious about where people my age were at in life, but all you have to do is look around and realize, "I am happy with where I am at. I have everything I want." And, most importantly, "I know where I want to go from here on." One step at a time. Have an apple pie and a Vietnamese spring roll while you're at it. Better yet, make your own and enjoy it on the rocky road to the waterfalls.

It's definitely always a good idea to have good people support you and bring out the best in you. Just make sure that those people have hearts filled with genuine support. There are people out there who may steer you in ways that may be advantageous to themselves without regard to how you feel. I am happy that I have none of those in my circle of trust. My definition of friendship has become more strict than it used to be.

Honesty is something that is very important -- for just about anything. Keeping things bottled up WILL cause stress in one way or another, and as you may have already noticed, I have always encouraged you and others to open yourself up with whatever may be bothering you. That is one of the lessons I learned from my past relationship. Just be open and talk about whatever's stressing you. I have had no shame in telling a couple of the women I have met that I am still hurting. There is no rush. Be genuine. Just be yourself. I have been.

Yep, I'm definitely happy with where I am at and the direction I'm heading towards. No doubt about that. My parents are finally understanding that and they've given room for me to breathe. I'm slowly beginning to live life the way it should be lived, like you said.

There were so many things that I wanted to do in the past, but never made much effort because I was either lazy or limited. When I was going out with my ex, we were practically living together. The weirdest part was that I was limited to his room. I was confined in his room for many years. I didn't feel comfortable roaming around the house, especially the kitchen. He's family was a bit odd and my ex was never really family-oriented, so I guess that played a big part in segregating ourselves from everyone in the house.

I had been dreaming about the day that I would have my own place and be able to just do whatever I want in it. Cooking was on the top of my list. Even though I don't cook much, I really do enjoy it. Everytime I would go back to my parents place, I would always try to help them cook, but that was rare. So, we went out to eat a lot and that's how I started gaining all that weight.

When I try to cook now, I feel like I'm learning everything all over again. I feel kind of dumb sometimes, but at least I'm learning. Just a couple of years ago, my friends were having dinner/movie parties practically every weekend. I got a chance to take down some really great recipes and take part in helping them cook. It was then I realized what I wanted to start doing. Cook healthy food at home, slims your wallet down and your waist! hehe* Still with my ex at the time, I still didn't get a chance to really learn how to cook. Now that I am home more often, I'm actually taking the time to re-learn the basics.

Mike, when you had a couple of dinner get togethers, I was so excited. Learning how to cook with friends once again. sigh* After years of not being able to do anything, I still felt a bit uncomfortable in the kitchen. So, if you noticed, I tried helping, but didn't do much. At least I helped with the clean up. It's fun cooking at home, but it's even better when you cook for people. So, I hope you'll have some more dinner get togethers at your place again soon. Maybe this Saturday? hehe* You gotta try out my favorite Thai dish sometime.

Anyhow, my eyes are getting heavy. dang it...it's passed 1am. I have a meeting to go to at 8:30am. sigh* Only 5 hours of sleep. I'll continune this later....

ciao _________________"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

I may be teaching only a couple sessions, but not everything. It's always best to keep your "best moves" to yourself, especially since the company has initiated something new:

Employees are encouraged to take pictures and the best ones will be hung along the walls once we move into our new buildings in Costa Mesa. From what I've seen, I don't think I'll be able to beat a few of the pros working here, but I'll sure have fun doing it

I had a weird dream last night. Majority of my dreams have meaning and this one was no exception.

I dreamt that I went to hell. It was a really dark and a very uncomfortable place. I'll spare the details and get on with what I got from this dream. After wandering around in hell for awhile, I was placed in another world. A world that looked exactly like ours. I had been given difficult obstacles to see how would react in those siuations.

The first obstacle was temptation. Money, sex, and drugs. For a short time, I was caught up in the mix. How did I handle it? Very well. I was strong enough to turn away and say no. No matter how much people tried to put me down, I just kept on walking away. I felt empowered.

Skipping to the last obstacle (which was the weirdest one). I was taken to a small house and my mission was to work with these other people as a team to fend off the demons. After fighting for countless hours, I realized that this was a never ending battle. I didn't want to die, but i was tired of fighting (not physical, but mental). I looked outside the window of the living room and noticed it was snowing and there wasn't another building or soul around. We decided to barricade ourself in the bedroom, it seemed like the safest place. "What the heck were we doing?? Why couldn't we easily step outside and leave the house? We wouldn't have to worry about the demons anymore." I decided to put my snow jacket on and convinced a few people to join me. The others wanted to keep on fighting. They didn't feel right about leaving and would rather face the demons then die in the snow. As I stepped outside of the house, I felt a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I walked a few steps and noticed that the few people that were suppose to follow along, decided to stay back and keep on fighting. I continued walking straight in the thick snow. After walking for about a mile, I noticed the ground began to turn green. It was grass! A huge smile on my face and feeling great, I continued to walk straight and never looked back.

That's when i woke up. Weird, but interesting, huh? The story was much longer and I remember a lot more vivid detail, but it's getting late and I need to sleep soon. HA! It's barely 11:00pm and I'm getting tired....

A co-worker of mine told me something the other day that has been sticking with me all day. Cute little Korean lady, twice my age, that didn't know how to speak English very well, told me a story about her daughter.

One night, she noticed her daughter sitting on the bed reading with this sad look on her face. She switched off the lights and the daughter was startled. For that one moment, the daughter forgot about her troubles and the mom said, "What are you going to do when it's dark? Just turn on the light. When things are dark, all you have to do is turn on the light. It's that simple. If the light bulb doesn't work, find your way out of the dark. Never give up."

For some reason, her story made me feel good all day.

g'nite _________________"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

I hardly ever dream at night. I am a pretty sound sleeper. I drop into bed at night and completely konk out peacefully until morning. I did have the craziest dream a few weeks ago, though. I dreamt that my old high school best friend came to visit me to tell me that I was pregnant with her baby and as she spoke the words to me, my stomach started to grow. It was wild!! I felt so scared. I kept asking her what we were going to do about this.

I don't remember much else about the dream but I do remember that in my dream, all kinds of strange things were happening. In my dream, every time she and I passed the doorman, he had been wearing another article of my clothing. It was really bizzare. I was trying to tell people that he was wearing my clothes and they would all look at me like I had gone nuts.

I remember waking up with my heart racing and I had a hard time falling back asleep. Thank goodness that dream is over!!!

yea, it was a nice dream. hmm...i have had dreams like yours plenty of times. random and weird dreams that just don't seem to make any sense.

i took a nap in my car during lunch today and of course had another dream. it wasn't surreal or weird. it was a replay of what had happen during my break up with my ex.

i don't think i fully posted or explain what happened. anyway, i'll make it short. it started the first week of december. before he lefted the country to visit some family in cambodia, we had a huge argument and we both lefted on bad terms. one whole month had passed by and he came back just in time for new years eve. at that point, i was still upset by everything and so was he. that night we talked for hours. we didn't get any sleep at all. new years day came around and that's when i decided to call it off. before doing so, i requested that we just take a break. a little space and time apart might do us good. stubborn as he was, he refused and made me decided. it was always cut and dry with him. so, i did it. i packed up all my stuff and lefted.

it was really hard for the first two weeks, but as each day passed by, it got easier for me. the more i thought about it, the more i felt empowered. i felt that i made the right decision and that i was on my way to making myself a better person.

for the next 3 1/2 months, i was alone and i was fine with that. i didn't feel the need to love anyone but myself. during those times, i believe it has really made me into a much stronger and happier person. towards the end of march, i started hanging out with more people. just friends, no potential "boyfriend" or "love interest." anyhow, the rest is history....

i still have days when i totally zone out and become a bit sad. afterall, i was with the guy for 12 years. we had lots of good memories and what i missed most was the littlest things about him. i haven't felt pain since the first month we broke up and i haven't since.

i think the reason why i've been thinking about him recently, is because his birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. usually, i always plan something wonderful for him each year, trying to out do the years before. i'm not much on buying gifts, so i take him out somewhere. last time, i took him to catalina for 2 days 2 nights. it was the first time we went snorkeling and a really nice get away from everything.

ok, so this became my dream venting post. lol*

oh gosh, i gotta go to sleep. i just got back from working out tonight. felt a bit bad for not going yesterday, so i made up for it tonight. i have to go to some drug testing tomorrow morning for my new job. i'm clean! i swear!! i don't feel like getting pricked by a needle, but i guess i have to.

g'nite

sweet dreams_________________"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

when i did the drug screening with downey savings, i remember they took a small sample of my blood. that was 4 some years ago.

yep, it was a urine test. the girl that went first was in the restroom for 5 minutes. she came out and told the lab tech. that she needed to drink some water. LOL* i went in and out. less than a minute! haha* perfectly to the line......ok ok tmi* anyhow, next week will be finger printing somewhere in L.A. sigh*

i will find out the results in 48 hours. meanwhile, i'll be off til tuesday or wednesday of next week!! woo hoo!!!_________________"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

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