Seacoast Outright called a 'lifeline' for youth

Sunday

Mar 23, 2014 at 2:00 AMMar 23, 2014 at 10:05 AM

PORTSMOUTH — There were signs, Kyle said. He had known he did not feel quite right in his own body. And when at 14 another teenager mistook him for a guy — when he was still for all intents and purposes a girl — "I really loved it."

Deborah McDermott

PORTSMOUTH — There were signs, Kyle said. He had known he did not feel quite right in his own body. And when at 14 another teenager mistook him for a guy — when he was still for all intents and purposes a girl — "I really loved it."

Now 17, he said these past few years have been painful as Ashley has slowly transitioned into Kyle.

"I was overwhelmed by it," he said. "I lost a lot of self-confidence. It took me a long time to accept myself, and how this would affect my life. How would people view me?"

Not everyone knows; he is not ready for everyone to know, and so the Herald is not revealing his last name. He is concerned about taunts, jeers, worse. But there has always been one place where he could go and be completely himself: Seacoast Outright.

Portsmouth-based Seacoast Outright is a volunteer-run social support and advocacy organization for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and questioning young people ages 12 to 24 in the Seacoast.

"People view me as just me there. That's why it's such a great place," Kyle said. "They don't focus on my identity. I'm just part of the group, just myself."

Now 21 years old, Seacoast Outright is struggling to survive as it faces critical shortages of both donations and volunteers. Meanwhile, upwards of 15 to 20 teenagers from as far as Barrington, Epping, Stratham and York, Maine, come faithfully to its support group every week.

It is a situation that weighs heavily on the mind of Jess Dorr, who just this week assumed the job of executive director.

"Our bank account is slowly dwindling to almost empty, and we only have a handful of facilitators for the support group," she said. "But this is so important to a lot of kids."

Dorr, 33, is herself a past Seacoast Outright teen who came to Portsmouth from Rochester each week. Back then, "there were probably three out gay kids at Spaulding High School. I was bullied probably every day from middle school through high school. You know, 'What are you? He, she, it? Dyke?' I knew I was different, and everyone around me knew I was different."

She said Seacoast Outright was then a true lifeline, during a time before civil rights were extended to gays and lesbians, before marriage equality laws, before many in society began to change their minds.

"It was astounding to me that other people were going through what I was going through," she said.

The difference between then and now "is just astounding." Many parents of teens actually track down Seacoast Outright and bring their child to support groups. Many gay and lesbian support group members themselves are out of the closet and know others in their schools who are as well. Some teachers are more supportive and helpful.

But do not for a minute think that means Seacoast Outright isn't needed, said board of directors vice president Amanda Saenger, who has also been a facilitator for the past several years.

"We hear all the time from our kids about other teenagers who are not able to be open in public," she said. "One boy said, 'I went on a date with this boy, and he was hiding in a booth in a restaurant because other people didn't know.'"

Saenger said teens come to Seacoast Outright meetings with a friend and tell their parents they are going somewhere else. She has also heard "horror stories," like the stepfather who called a boy "'a f——— faggot' and hit him. Every week he'd come with a new bruise. We talked about police intervention, but the stepfather said, 'I'll just beat you twice as hard.'"

"You're trapped in your environment when you're a kid," Dorr said. "You can't just leave home. You can't just leave school. You don't have a lot of options."

Many teens are fearful to tell their parents, afraid they will not understand. Fortunately, they said, more and more parents are supportive, "which sometimes surprises the teenagers. I've heard them say, 'Before I came out, I never would have expected it,'" said Saenger.

Kyle's mom, Cheryl, has accepted and even embraced her son's transition from female to male. It has not come without some transitions of her own, she admits. For one, she respects her son's wishes to be selective in who he comes out to, so "I have to be careful not to inadvertently out him. I have to be careful what I say, for his sake. Safety is a huge issue in the trans(gender) community."

But she said she is behind him every step of the way.

"I don't understand how people can disown their children," she said. "I am sad that this is going to be such a hard path for him, but he's such an awesome person. It's amazing to see him at Seacoast Outright, when he's around his true peers. I can see his happiness, his leadership. There's less stress, less concern."

Dorr said she hopes the Seacoast community will rally behind Seacoast Outright by donating both time and funds. She said she fears the group's 21-year legacy may be coming to an end without both.

Facilitator training is four hours long and volunteers would agree to take a shift on either Wednesday or Friday evenings when the office is open. "They just need to be there. The kids do the talking," she said.

"This is so important to these kids," she said. "It feels like family, when you don't always find family in other parts of your life."

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