24, Part 2

( In the first three hours, Jack Bauer was rescued from a Chinese prison, kidnapped President Bush and Vice President Cheney from the White House and brought them to CTU Headquarters for interrogation.)

Sunday, Jan. 14. 9-10 a.m.

Jack Bauer burst into the interrogation room. President Bush was handcuffed and sitting behind a wooden table.

“Who are you?” the president demanded.

“I ask the questions around here,” Bauer replied. “Why are you sending 21,000 more troops into Iraq in defiance of the bipartisan Iraq Study Group report, your top military commanders and the will of the American people?”

Bauer grabbed a table lamp, yanked it free of the cord, stripped the wires and applied them to Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” lapel pin. The president howled in fear as sparks flew.

“Whose idea was this?!”

“Dick Cheney! He’s being directed by a secret cabal of right-wing fanatics, led by a brilliant evil mastermind!”

Bauer slipped off Bush’s shoes and socks, pulled a feather from his pocket and began tickling his feet. “Where can we find them?!”

“I don’t know!! I just do what Cheney tells me! Please, stop! I can’t take any more!” He fainted and slumped over.

Bill Buchanan, special agent in charge, opened the door and came in. “Bring me Cheney!” Bauer demanded.

10-11 a.m.

CTU agents dragged Cheney into the room. He saw Bush, still unconscious. “Tortured him, eh?” he said out the side of his mouth. “A little dunk in the water is useful sometimes for getting suspects to talk.”

Bauer snapped, “Unfortunately, we don’t have a waterboard here, but what he got is nothing compared to what we’ll do to you! Now who is calling the shots for this insanity in Iraq?”

“On the contrary, in my view our incursion has been remarkably successful.”

Bauer seized the front of Cheney’s shirt with both hands and began to twist. “Maybe some painful purple nurples will loosen your tongue!” he snarled.

“Noooooooo!!” Cheney screamed. “My heart!”

“Then how about a … wet willie!!!” Bauer thrust his finger into his mouth and reached for Cheney’s ear.

“I’ll talk! I’ll talk! It’s the Afflerbach Group!”

Bauer waved his wet finger. “If you’re lying …” he warned.

“I’m not! It’s former Allentown Mayor Roy Afflerbach, the brilliant political strategist! He hoped that if our country descends into political and economic chaos, he’ll be able to attract more clients for his high-powered consulting firm!”

Bauer turned to Buchanan. “Send a CTU team to Afflerbach’s lair in Allentown, Pa.,” he said. “Have Chloe hack into the cell phone communications of the city's drug traffickers to make sure we don’t land in the middle of a gunfight.”

“Right.”

“Meanwhile, we’ll use the tape of these interrogations to charge Bush and Cheney with conspiracy and compel them to testify against Roy Afflerbach. Anything else?”

“Well, we do have to stage your death again.”

“Right. Just give me an hour to visit my daughter in the hospital.”

“Jack, I’m sorry to tell you this, but a rabid coyote broke into the hospital a few minutes ago and dragged her off into the Hollywood hills.”

Bauer buried his face in his hands. “Why do these things happen to me?”