Thursday, April 4, 2013

Cycling: For Entertainment Purposes Only

Can someone who speaks Australian tell me what she said was sticking to her thighs?

(Much less interestingly, can someone explain to me how Australians manage to work the letter "r" into the word "home?")

By the way, don't accuse Knog of sexism for using the breasts and thighs of young Sheila women to sell their wares, because in the interest of gender equality they also use sweaty Bruce Fred cleavage in their promotional videos:

I should also mention that I think I may be visiting Australia sometime towards the end of the summer, assuming everything works out, and provided I can find someone to drug me B.A. Baracus-style for the four hundred million hour flight there. I'll keep you posted, and hopefully it happens because I look forward to visiting the land of pugilistic marsupials, sticky Sheila thighs, and hairy Bruce Fred cleavage.

Bicycle gears do seem to be back, and in a in a big way. A couple of weeks ago, Tom Hipwell, co-owner of Fitzrovia Bicycles in the West End of London, told BikeRadar that road bike customisation was a line of work that was working well for the shop.“I think people realise after a while that, if you want to do any decent riding, you’re going to need some gears,” he said, showing us the retro race frames and shiny titanium Van Nicholas bikes that adorn the shop.

So what are they riding now? Touring bikes:

Nigel Brook, a director at Brixton Cycles, a workers’ co-operative that see themselves as a destination for higher-end steel randonneurs, was more direct: “That wave [fixed gear] crashed against the beach about two years ago. Touring bikes are where it’s at now.”

This should come as no surprise, since cycle touring is in their DNA, just like drinking tea, or colonizing other countries in order to insure a steady supply of tea:

I'm not buying the whole "pump caught in my trouser leg" thing. He was probably undone by the "goofy tiller effect" of his egregiously long stem--though not as egregiously long as this one:

Anyway, I digest. Back to my main point, which was fixies, and that they're stupid. Yes, no self-respecting cosmopolitan urbanite would be caught dead on a fixie anymore. The only people you see riding track bikes in New York now are teenagers and the sorts of aging hipsters who think that by fighting coasting they can somehow also fight off adulthood. Everybody else is happily click-click-clicking away. And shifting isn't the only thing we cyclists have to be happy about here in New York City, since we're also beating pedestrians in the hotly-contested "not dying in February" competition:

Police in the 76th Precinct, which covers Carroll Gardens and Cobble Hill, are frustrated with residents who are just leaving their valuables out in the open for thieves to steal. At a community council meeting last night, Captain Jeffrey Schiff announced that cops are taking pictures of cars that have iPads, iPhones or packages in the front seat and then letting the owners know they are, well, stupid.According to the Post, cops will "try to find its owner — and if not, they will snap a picture from the sidewalk. Using the car's license place to track down the owner's address, the precinct then sends the owner a flyer that says 'if we spot it, so can thieves' — and the picture taken by the cops."

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia--women can finally ride bicycles, but only for "entertainment," and not for
"transportation purposes:"

The official reportedly specified that women aren’t allowed to use bicycles for transportation purposes, “only for entertainment,” and they are being advised to avoid places where young men may congregate “to avoid harassment.”
I take this to mean that, while they can't do this:

They can do this:

Provided of course they wear the "full Islamic head-to-toe abaya," avoid any places where young men may congregate, and don't run an errand along the way.

Harsh words for the fixie crowd, something to the effect that fixie riders are all full of shit. Don't I recall you confessing to riding a fixie? And if so, isn't it time for you to do one of your "Oh,-yeah,-all-that-mean-shit-I-said-about-other-people-also-applies-to-me" things?

ha... i was in a moslim country some years back, taking a stroll through a small town neighborhood. we were surrounded by a mob of little kids wanting their photos taken... so we indulged them.

at some point, this little 6 year old girl circled us on a bicycle... she looked like she was in heaven. happy and smiling. a little boy of her age looked at her, turned to us, and said, "do you see this? this is the end of the world! when girls can ride biycle..."

keeping that in mind, you can hardly imagine the HUGE implication this has on saudi 'culture'. before you know it, there will be abaya fixie fashion!

You guys, I can't believe you don't clearly hear her say "Angelotti's" is sticking to her thighs. Angelotti's Pizza that is, of Monmouth NJ. Obviously she's having slices flown in, and then trying to eat one on a bike, with predictable results.

So let me get this straight: the police will go out of their way to find drivers in order to help them keep their cars from getting broken into, but they won't do it to punish them for intentionally running over a cyclist?

Ya know.. after watching that video, I but most of your female readers are looking for a 6mm allen wrench to raise their saddle about 2 inches as we speak.

Could you imagine if this could happen to men? We would have the fittest species on the planet and like 100,000 guys trying to do the Tour De France ...and don't even guess the numbers for Paris-Roubaix.

are single speeds out of fashion also mr wildcat trend machine? That would be unfortunate as I ride mine all of the time, fun rides, commuting etc. I break out the carbon geared fred bike when I'm doing longer more taxing rides. I break out the vintage steel Italian road bike when I crave attention from strangers. I don't have a folding bike yet but will consider one if i ever become a circus clown.

Sunscreen? I have some......................................................................................................................................................................................................................sun.................................................................screen.

Lonely Lobo- clearly your wife doesn't understand the benefits of either cycling or sex. Maybe if you point out how the two together will slow her ageing process considerably you might find she's more interested.

Once I discovered gear-shifty bikes at the age of 12, and the fact that they let me go faster, further, easier up hills, etc., I never looked back. On the other hand, you know what goes the fastest, furthest, and easiest up hills? A car. So, it's kind of funny how those who over-invest in an over-complex solution (cars) are suckers, yet those who go for an overly simple one (fixies) are also suckers. But if you're right in the middle, you get to make fun of both the extremes.

Lobo, if the sex sucks, it's usually because someone's pissed-off, which in your wife's case might be because of your wonderful sensitivity/respect e.g. her diet is "faddish."

Or in today's world it might be childhood sexual abuse. Look into it. That would turn me off of exercise, meat, vulvanal rubbing, sex and husbands, no question. And make me need Prozac, which by the way, is a bunch of crap, despite what I said about respecting her diet.

Definitely 'gelatis' (yes, the dreaded double plural) sticking to her thighs. And that video is shot in my home city...don't come in here for winter though, unless you like grey skies and damp weather (but nothing so much exciting as a snowflake).

for the seppo's with no sense of humour or hearing from yank land, the girl in the video was talking about protection for her bike, from drop bears. Not only do the cuddly f.ckers drop out of trees and tear your bloody throat out, they've started stealing bikes also. That's a knog koala lock.

Now go back to polishing your guns seppo's, we have drop bears to look out for over here .

Maybe y’all can bond over a little bike themed “craft” project!Start by printing a BIKESNOBNYC blog post, change the font color to pink, add some pretty sparkly stickers, and collage over the “offensive” pictures with clip art of puppies and kittens on bikes. You can let her read it when she is period-ing all over herself and eating gluten-free chocolates.

*cough*

Sorry.

Most importantly, Bike riding is not for everyone.You should never make someone you LIKE or LOVE feel like poop because they don’t want to do something YOU like.

Snob, maaaaaaaaaate. We'd love to see you in Australia any time. Summer unfortunately is over, but winter riding here in Sydney is grouse as well. Don't get put off by the 14 degree maximum temp - that's celcius Bruce! Be thrilled to take you on a Fredtastic ride through the Sydney bush - plenty of opportunities to see kangaroos, wombats, possums and goannas on a cruisey Saturday ride.

Lone Lobo-Get thee to the nearest Whole Foods (or other natural store) and buy your wife some vegan chocolates & flowers. And would it kill you to go for a walk with her occasionally? Unless you're already doing so, then my bad.

Lone Lobo - All kidding aside, my condolences. Borderline personality disorder is really serious, and people who have it tend to be both abusive of those around them, and unable to understand that they have a problem. The fact that she is diagnosed is a good sign, but damned, there aren't many conditions more difficult to treat.

Borderlines are also nearly impossible to leave, because they are very Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, and just as soon as they sense you pulling away, they pull out the charm. They are exceptionally charming.

Babble, after many years I think it's probably Bipolar. Some of the BPD-like behaviors are shared by her sisters and mother. It's just their lovely personalities.

As you described though, she filed for divorce 10 months ago, but has been dragging out the process. She can really great when she wants something, or the bitch from hell under a variety of other circumstances.

*important safety tip. Never refer, even jokingly, to demon possession unless you want to have a heated discussion with said demons.

Borderlines are shaped by both genetics and environment so the fact that her sisters are equally lovely really doesn't change the equation. Bipolar, on the other hand, is strictly genetic, but bipolars tend to be hospitalised at regular intervals as they end up in a state of psychosis, whereas borderlines don't. You know that old saying "Neurotics build castles in the sky... psychotics live there"...? Bipolars live there, so they end up in care.

Both problems definitely share a fuckload of characteristics with demonic possession, though, so no matter what kind of problem she has, we know for a fact that you have not had an easy time of it.

That bike orgasm short video is in my top 5 cycling shorts. My number #1 is a commercial from some 10 years ago, for either Fiat or VW, where some Fred stops at a stoplight, and instead of putting his foot down, puts his hand on the car's fender. After the third time the driver comes to a quick stop, just as the Fred reaches out to grab the fender again. They don't show it, but I would guess that the driver quickly runs over the downed Fred..

Snob, as you are checking through customs at Didyabringyagrogalong International Airport (DIX) you will be issued with your official Australian name. This is a name that you will be required to answer to for the duration of your stay, or risk deportation.

No need to fear though, it's usually not a big deal, they will probably just retrofit your existing name with a diminutive/depreciative suffix - for example, Bruce may be changed to Brucie. Sure, many languages feature these, but in Australia they are mandatory, just like "pushie" or "treadly" (bicycle) helmos (helmets - I just made that up, but if used in context a fellow Aussie would know what I'm talking about). If your name is already, or converts into an internationally common hypocorism (Freddy/Johnny/Mickey), or if it just doesn't sound ridgy didge (Eben =/= Ebeny), the "y" may be added to your surname instead. In Australia, you will most likely be known as "Weissy".

If adding a "y" won't work, the next option would be to add an "o". For example, our Prime Minister's name is Julia Gillard, "Julie" is already a common name internationally and "Gillardy" doesn't sound dinky-di, so the proper title with which to address the Prime Minister is "Gillo" (remember this, because you will be the biggest celebrity to visit since Oprah and will most likely receive an official welcoming ceremony). "Johno" is a perfect example of the "o" being added to a first name, "Ebbo" would be a less likely but still valid strayaficiation of Eben.

There are further intricacies to the system, which I won't go into (this is the best explanation I could find), but just quickly, Bret could go either way (Bretty or Bretto) and Warren, Darren, Sharron and Barry become Wazza, Dazza, Shazza and Bazza (Barack also becomes Bazza). If all else fails, just call real mates "Cunt", call real cunts "Mate" and anyone in between call "Cobber"/"Cob" or "Digger"/"Dig" and she'll be right.

As it seems to be shot in Melbourne, Knog forgot the bit where Gelati-Mumble-Thighs gets caught in the helmet law crackdown and Bruce-Fred gets hit by a tram while he's slow motion staring at her crack.

Also they cut out Bruce-Fred's voice over where he says, "Farrrk. Saw some tits, ran over a tourist. Actually, it was a pretty ordinary night."

Don't pay any attention to all these travel advisories from Australians littering these comments, Snobby. They're all travel agent hucksters looking to grift you.

As noted by others, it will be winter here, which means the beaches will be frozen over and the boxing kangaroos will be hibernating. With the current exchange rate a can of coke will cost you about US$13.87 and that time of year is peak Anti-American season.

Babble, you asked about my support network. Apparently it has been developing all day.

Just kidding. My church has christian based discussion groups. It's not therapy but its effectively theraputic.

I wanted to get into a boundaries group, But ironically, a codependence group had encroached into the boundaries room.

I sat in and figured it would work for me. And anyway, setting up boundaries and sticking to them is what got us into our current 3 year long soap opera.

Two weeks after joining the group, I got back on the bike after nearly a two year layoff. The time off was partially precipitated by a bad day of commuting, which included almost running over a skunk and then getting t-boned by jackass in a pickup ten minutes later.

That afternoon I went home to find my wife gone and divorce papers on my desk (a bluff). My sister said all in all it turned out to be my lucky day.

I appreciate the info, and as a professional I understand there was no real compassion intended. No quarter asked in any case.

She is saying Gelatis … which is utter bullshit because : A) We eat ice-cream in Australia, and B) it drips onto your hands and down your arms, not onto your thighs.

More bullshit from that video includes :1. Cycling more than 10 feet on an Australian road without some bogan in a ute trying to run her over.2. Cycling 5 feet down the road without some prick shouting at her for not wearing a stupid fucking helmet3. Slaving all spring to earn the money for the bike - She would have earned the money for the bike in the summer break as we don’t have a break in spring .4. Deliberately rolling her “r” when she said “Liberty” at the end – there is no way a private school educated young lady from Melbourne would say the word liberty with the “r” over emphasized like that.5. “Rolling down a boulevard” - I don’t think I have ever heard someone (other than in an American movie) use the word “boulevard”. If she said “boulevard” in an actual conversation, people would laugh at her.6. Seeing a young bloke drinking coffee alone in a café – he’d be off somewhere getting pissed with his mates and watching the footie.

Euro Spondee, I'm not sure what you find so funny about one of the world's great cultures, but yes you are correct, "Snobbo" rolls off the tongue beautifully. Of course the customs officials will only work with the name on the passport, unless he brings along adequate supporting documentation to prove the alias "Snob" has a history of use in excess of 5 years.

Anon 12:06, Why would you be so pessimistic and exaggerate like that? You'll scare him off and we won't even get a look at his fancy, big city "shoes". If the ocean completely froze over as you claim then there wouldn't be any pools of water for the colourful Serrated Poison Box Jellyfish to gather in at the peak of The Frenzy, how ridiculous. The fact is that well over half of visitors return home satisfied and alive.

CJ very true. Your clip is a much more accurate representation , and I doubt the charming ladies in that clip would sell too many bike locks ... I just find it annoying to see Australia represented as cycling nirvana when we're the only people in the world stupid enough to introduce a mandatory helmet law (as well as, apparently, being the country responsible for the ute)

As you know Snobby is nobody's fool, but he is a little naive -- it's a reflection of his gracious nature and the Disney influence. I'm worried he'll be one of 30~40% of visitors to Australia who never leave alive.

If the Redbacks don't get him, the Bluebottles will.

I hadn't thought of his shoes, though... You know, if something did happen, we could keep his shoes!

Yeah! Come on down, Snobby. Can't wait to see you. I'll make you a Pavlova and everything!

Online Marketing is the Best way to increase your income and Get online visitors or Customer on your company. Many Marketing Way like Facebook Marketing, Website Marketing, SMS Marketing, Products Marketing and Social Media Marketing such as Facebook Likes, Twitter Follow, Youtube Views and Much More International Advertising Systems, Just VisitHotCurrentAffairs.com

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!