I Wonder, “Does It Taste like the Future?”

My boss wanted me to assist with zoning frozen. Which is great ‘cuz I love freezing my ass off in the summer. It reminds me of just how messed up this crazy world really is.

Then he hit me with a sucker punch. The insult somehow being stitched into the injury:

“I need you to check the dates too.”

Freezing my fingers numb is one thing, holding onto the hellishly cold item to see if it’s still edible is another thing altogether.

“C’mon, I’ll show you how.”

Am I dressed that slovenly? I know how to read expiration dates bossman. I might not want to read them, but I was feeling rather sick this morning and thus had nothing better to do than come to work. Why stay at home when you can spread your germs at work? I fact, I prefer to be sick at work, that way all associations I have with “home” stay pleasant and comforting.

“Uh, G.?”

“What is it?”

“We’ve got a problem over here.”

“You found something!?!” you could practically taste his excitement.

“Yeah, this box says October.”

“So what? It’s still good.”

“Yeah, but it’s October 2012!”

Now it was my turn to be the jackass:

“It’s from the future! How did we even get this?” picking up the yogurt and closely examining it. You have to sell the bewilderment. “Can our antiquated immune systems handle this?”

Three minutes and two aisles later: “Do you think futuristic yogurt transmogrifies in your mouth? Like into real strawberries? How does this stuff work? No wonder it’s four dollars.”