Wednesday, 17 May 2017

And not just any job; one I was so damn excited to get and
actually start. But it meant moving away from home. That was a messy feeling in
my head for weeks, which included moving all my patient care for my IBD and
stoma as well as packing and getting my head around being away from home. I
haven’t done that since I lived at university and my year abroad in Canada.
Both those times fill me with great memories so I have high hopes that this big
move will fall into that category in time.

Not only am I moving away from my family but I am moving
away from my boyfriend.

And it wasn’t until this weekend – the second weekend I
haven’t seen him as I usually would if I was at home still – I realise we are doing long distance.

I haven’t done that in over eight years. My boyfriend whilst
I was at university studying lived quite far away but we spent our weekends together.
These days, I don’t have that luxury or that amount of energy to travel all the
way home. Plus, we now both have commitments to work and it’s just tiring being
back at work after over a year away from it all. I find myself having a lot of
mood swings; going from feeling on top of the world to wondered what on earth I
have gotten myself into here. But that latter part passes and I feel okay. Most
of the time, I am doing okay. I just need the distractions.

My boyfriend was a welcomed and wonderful distraction whilst
I was sick, whilst I recovered from surgeries, whilst I suffered, whilst I grew
up and got my confidence back. He became my number one fan and I became his
biggest supporter in what he was doing, what he would achieve. So now, without
him, it is a new feeling. Something I haven’t felt in years.

There is no comparison between my other big relationship and
this one. This one has the longevity and the commitment I need and have always
wanted. I couldn’t imagine going through what I’ve done without him by my side.
It hasn’t always been easy and it’s never been perfect, but it wasn’t meant to
be, I don’t expect it – or either of us – to be.

But long distance makes
it feel so much like before. I am trying to remember how I survived going
longer periods of time without my boyfriend back then, but I can’t. I think I’ve
locked that relationship away in my mind, to some degree. But how did I do it? How did I keep it going for
as long as I did, when I wasn’t as busy as I clearly am now? How do I keep my
relationship going with 100 miles between us and weeks apart because of our
schedules?

Advice welcome.

This new job and the opportunities it is hopefully going to
lead to is my choice and sometimes I am half regret moving so far away from my
boyfriend. He was a huge part of my life back at home, but I am not there
anymore. I feel like I need some
distance from us sometimes, or at least I did feel like that. And now I have
it, I don’t want it. But, I’m sure I need it. We don’t get given what we have
unless we could handle it. And I have dealt with what life has chucked at me so
far, why not this?