Just some of the many random thoughts that run through my head

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I Need a Good Cry… And a Solution

I don’t know how many of you know this, but I guess I need to take some time and be transparent about all of this stuff going on in my life, because trying to not get stressed about it, or not letting the stress show is getting tiring. So very tiring… (sorry if this post is more whining than normal, but I need to get this out)

But she has some problems, and as a non-car person, I can’t tell you what they actually are, only that she idles really high sometimes, and idles really low (almost stalling out) other times, and the temperature gauge fluctuates… a lot… The problem is, the part to fix it, while not expensive, is rusted into place and is impossible to remove easily, so by the time all the labor gets taken care of, plus the other, smaller issues, I’m told it’ll probably be like $1,000 to repair her just to the point to pass inspection…

She is probably worth $1,500 at best… As much as I love my truck, I can’t justify spending 2/3 of her value to repair her… But I don’t want to part with her, I have a lot of memories with her, and she’s been good to me, and I don’t have much savings to use to purchase a new vehicle…

So there is all that stress of trying to decide what to do coming down on me. Then there is the money thing…

So, I’ve got to come up with a minimum of $1000 by the end of August when my inspection is due, but if I decide to go with a new (to me) vehicle, I’ll have to probably come up with more than that… But I don’t make enough money to do that easily, so I had to make HUGE budget cuts (I only drive an average of 10 miles a day now, and I cut out drinking soda at work, as well as 90% of my eating out), but even doing all that, I’ll still only just barely reach $1000 by August

So welcome to the source of my stress… But it doesn’t stop there…

As a result of those changes, I don’t get to see my friends as much, you know, the people who help make me less stressed. So not seeing them not only stops the stress release for me, but actually increases my stress because I then feel left out when they do stuff and I have to say “no” because it’s too far, or costs too much money, and I begin to feel my insecurities about being left behind/forgotten rise up and I struggle to not feel abandoned by my friends (even though I know, logically, that I haven’t been, but that’s the thing about stress, it makes logic harder to apply to your emotions and balance things out)

And the times we do get to hang out, they have to come to me, or have to give me a ride, or hang out here at my house, and I feel like a mooch/inconvenience. And then I don’t get to feel like I’m really with them, because my mind is trying to calculate everything, making sure I’m not going to end up having to spend money I shouldn’t, or worrying that I might make them not do something they really want to because I can’t and maybe they will resent me for it, or they’ll resent me because they have to pick me up or something when they don’t feel like it… So the people who used to help me not get stressed, are now making me more stressed.

So I want to become a loner, because then I won’t be an inconvenience to them, but then I miss them. I miss hanging out with them, spending time with them, and I see/hear about them hanging out and I get jealous that they got to and I didn’t, and then I feel left out, and so I try to hang out with them, and the cycle just begins all over again…

To be honest, I don’t know what to do… But the stress has been getting pretty bad recently. The other day, I entertained leaving my current job at the non-profit I work for (which is seriously the best job with the best boss and the best coworkers EVER, and not something I really want to leave) in order to find a job that could pay better… (please understand that I am not looking for another job and I am not really thinking about it, I just tell you that so you understand the seriousness of my stress that it even crossed my mind)

So I sit at home alone most nights, wondering what I’m going to do, not having any answers, and I want to cry… I feel like if I could just get the tears to fall, everything would somehow…magically…be alright. But the tears won’t come… and neither do the solutions…

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One comment on “I Need a Good Cry… And a Solution”

That’s rough! I can’t offer you solutions to all of this, but do have a few suggestions…
As to feeling like you are inconveniencing your friends, think on this- if the tables were turned, would they be inconveniencing you? I expect a lot of my friends, but I also give a lot too them. I would happily drop everything (and have!) to help out a friend in a bind. I also completely understand the cash situation- that was me not so long ago. I had to swallow my pride and let my friends be kind to me, and now I am in a position where I can happily give back, of myself and of my money. It is absolutely not an inconvenience if a friend in a bind needs my support. There is so, so much more to friendship than money.
I would also advice finding new, inexpensive things to do with your friends. I volunteer my time doing social media work fore a local yoga studio. So many of my social events involve meeting friends for a class- free for me! Or we meet and go for a walk or a run or take my dogs to the park. There are also free festivals in my city year round- perhaps this could be an opportunity for you to engage in some of the free activities in your community which you would not normally participate in.
And of course, nothing is better than volunteering your time! Something I still do not do enough of.
Just know we’ve pretty much all been there at one time or another. Someone hit my old 1999 Passat in January, and I was broke and could not replace it for months. It was a dark time for the rebellion, but it has reversed now, as it will for you.