Ann-Marie Berg:

Saturday

We've all heard the saying, "A smile is worth 1,000 words." And when it comes to kids, isn't that the truth?

We’ve all heard the saying, “A smile is worth 1,000 words.” And when it comes to kids, isn’t that the truth?

When you catch a glimpse of your teenager grinning at you, who can’t help but smile back? No, it’s not just that you finally are getting a glimpse of the pearly whites you spent a fortune on, but it’s also because as children get older, smiles intentionally directed toward parents become few and far between.

But as you find yourself beaming back at your teen’s ear-to-ear grin, something stirs inside you and reality strikes.

Yes, the smile is beautiful, but you have seen it before. It speaks 1,000 words, like, “I need more money,” or, “If I smile real big, they won’t notice the dent in the car.” We eventually learn the 1,000-watt smile is just a cover for the F in gym, the coat they borrowed and left in some kid’s car who gave them a ride to the party they weren’t supposed to attend, the emergency money they spent on gummy bears, and the big favor they are about to ask for.

How many times must we fall for the smile trick before we realize we are being played?

Kids are great manipulators. They practice from the moment they first hear the word “no.” Rather than give up, they learn to be sneaky, twist words around or to become masters at telling one parent one thing and the other something different.

Kids manipulate to get what they want, to cover up something they did, or didn’t do, to get attention, and, worst of all, because it works.

How many times have you heard, “but if you don’t let me go on a road trip with my friend who just got her license, three hours ago, I will be left here by myself with no one to talk to, and will never be invited to anything again.”

To help nip your child’s manipulating habit, remain consistent with expectations and consequences. It is important for parents to realize this will occasionally, and more likely all of the time, cause conflict with your children.

But conflict in the name of keeping kids safe first and worrying about their happiness second is worth the guaranteed battle.

Additionally, being consistent with your answers will help kids learn that “no” means “no,” rather than their idea that no means bug parents harder until they break down and say yes.

When you catch your kids manipulating you into giving them the answer they want to hear, call them on it and deliver a consequence. Be wary of exaggerated facts, or the old trick where kids leave out critical information that might influence your decision when asking permission to do something.

Double check the facts. For example, when you have a heart attack over what your daughter is wearing, and you suggest she put something on with a little more fabric, don’t automatically buy it when she says, “But dad said he loved my Next to Nothing dress.” Instead, chat with your spouse to get the real scoop. Chances are you will both be in agreement, and your teen will be guilty of manipulating.

Investigate. When your child swears he is the only one not allowed to take part in something, call other parents to find out whether this is true. It rarely is.

Kids often feel they have a better chance of getting what they want if they don’t tell the truth. While it’s true we would rather believe the lie they are studying instead of meeting their boyfriend at the mall, reinforce honesty as the best policy.

Teach your kids that consequences always will be worse if a child is found to have manipulated the truth or lied completely. Know what your children are up to and what their real plans are.

Signs your kids are trying to manipulate you include when their plans keep changing, their story doesn’t make sense, if what they are saying is different than what you know to be true, or their behaviors don’t match their words. Additionally, trust your instinct. If you think you are being manipulated than most likely you are.

Help your kids realize that manipulating others to get their way is not honorable or fair. Be consistent with your expectations and keep your kids best interest top priority.

Over time, you’ll be able to smile back at them without second guessing why they are smiling.

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