Conflict is the inevitable and potentially productive result of two people relating
intimately with each other. However, when was the last time a fight was actually productive?

Most people in a
fight, just want to convince the other of their point of view. In the end, fights lead to words and actions that hurt the
relationship.

We often believe that "constructive criticism" is how to assert our wishes. But these
moments tend to be unnecessarily hurtful and are simply opinions disguised as facts -- or "should" statements.

Of course, it is important to ask for what you want in a relationship and to say no at times. Discussing these
things with your partner helps maintain and sometimes strengthen the relationship.

The ability to communicate
your wants and needs may be extremely difficult, especially if there were no effective role models growing up. To communicate
love and understanding, you must feel positive about yourself and cultivate empathy for another's point of view. It also requires
the commitment to taking care of yourself within the relationship and letting go of thinking your partner "should"
be doing that for you.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU - Keep yourself emotionally well and in balance.

** REMEMBER
that when we argue we tend to take opposing sides and don't feel aligned with our partner. We look at winning the argument
and that is when we fight dirty.

Below talks about fair fighting - but what
you are actually doing is asking for what you want in your relationship, without judging your partner.

Keep your intensity in control so that dirty fighting is less likely - that means you may need
to calm down first and decide if the issue is discussion worthy and how best to approach the topic and when.

TEN RULES of FAIR FIGHTING

NO SILENCE

Silence is a relationship killer...

Stonewalling your partner, punishing them with silence and the
various other dismissive tactics people use when angry -- hurt the relationship. They deteriorate trust and respect and don't
actually resolve anything.

Another type of silence comes in the form of
someone who doesn't want to rock the boat, and skirts the issues to avoid conflict, ultimately damaging the relationship.

So, ask for what you want and say no to what you don't want in your relationship - but, pick your
battles wisely and be willing to let go of convincing that person right then and there!

FIGHT FAIRLY

Remember that you are trying to grow together. Don't make winning at any cost the most important goal. If one spouse
wins...both lose.

MAINTAIN SENSE OF HUMOR

It's good to be able to laugh at yourselves,
but don't laugh at or make fun of your spouse.

MAINTAIN INTIMACY

Hold Hands and/or
Look in Each Others Eyes.

It takes the focus from the issue and puts it where it belongs...on the most important person in
your life.

NO NAME CALLING

Except the affectionate ones you normally use, such as "Honey"
or "Dear."

DON'T HIT BELOW BELT

Don't throw your partners weaknesses in his
or her face.

DO NOT INVOLVE OTHER PEOPLE

Couples make the mistake of involving
friends or parents. Others don't forget or get the chance to make up, so the couple may feel uncomfortable facing them later,
and other's opinions may damage the relationship further.

NO BRINGING UP PAST

It is OK to go back
to learn, but not to get something on your spouse.

STICK TO SUBJECT

Don't bring in other issues just to
prove your point.

DON'T GO TO BED ANGRY

Storming around, brooding or pouting
keep the fight going. Dragging a fight out is life-draining. If no agreement is reached, have patience, table the discussion
and make sure to unwind.

This is hard if you have not agreed on a solution, try
to end with commitments to each other -- for example: I will think about what you've asked, thanks for bringing it up and
being open. We'll talk more about it tomorrow (this weekend, etc.) I love you.