The transformational power of love and loss

Trying again

Well over a year after I lost my precious baby, I finally received the official go ahead to try again. After what had happened to me, I was tested for just about every abnormality known to man. It was also gently suggested that perhaps going down the baby making path wasn’t particularly advisable.

Suitably afraid but armed with all the information and with the risk assessment completed, I was desperate to try again. I had to try again. Every cell in my body and heart wanted to be a mum to a living child. Even though I knew that I wouldn’t survive emotionally if anything went wrong it didn’t matter. The incredibly overwhelming desire overtook all sense and reason.

It seemed to me that all I needed was another chance. I was sure that I could get it right if I could just start again. But that’s the thing about life isn’t it? We’re always on the look out for another shot at getting it right. It’s just whether or not that chance will ever arrive.

Even after the feeble go ahead there was still so much to encounter. It wasn’t like getting pregnant had ever been easy. So it was back to the fertility clinic to roll the dice.

I often wonder how I managed to get through that time. The strength of my determination somehow seemed to outweigh all the voices that were yet to be convinced that this could work. There was a whole series of steps that I had to painstakingly work through. It was unbelievably challenging at a time when I was still in the thick of grief and already emotionally overwhelmed.

The debilitating fear that I would never be a parent would tie my stomach in a knot that would take a great deal of effort to consistently unravel. Desperate to not let that be the case I pushed myself and everyone else to get on with it.

It took three rounds of IVF to conceive our second son. It was tough going. Emotionally, physically and of course financially. It certainly isn’t for the faint of heart, but it is an option for people like us and that in itself is a miracle.

I would pray every day for a second chance. I would pray for everyone in the fertility clinic who would never raise their eyes to me. I begged God that they too got the result they were looking for. Cause really that’s all you can do. You can work your butt off in this life but quite often you need something supernatural to get you over the line. Science will take you part of the way but quite truthfully the rest is an act of Grace.

Thankfully, and I really mean it when I say that, I received the outcome I desperately wanted. I wont lie and say it was because I had faith and hope and believed that by the power of Grayskull I somehow made it happen. No sir. I lost all faith and hope on many occasions. I questioned everything I did and every action I had ever taken. Was I being punished? Had I been an arsehole in a previous life? In this life? I never received any concrete answers with regards to my existential queries but what I do know is that I am so incredibly grateful that I never gave up.

Putting my heart, soul and body back on the line was tough, very tough, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. The result I ended up with has exceeded all of my expectations and then some. To now be a mummy to the most outrageously gorgeous boy blows me away everyday and everyday I find myself thanking God that he’s here and that I never for one second considered giving up.

We don’t always have access to the kind of wisdom that helps us to understand why certain obstacles are put in our way or why we have to suffer such terrible heartache in this life. That’s the ‘fun’ of it I guess. If we can learn to overcome and to rise above and all those other clichés, then I think we have a shot at real happiness. There’s absolutely no harm in continuing to push on regardless of what stands in your way. Stay relentless in pursuit of your wildest dreams. I can highly recommend it.