I can see that but i don’t think it really has anything to do with sex – and everything to do with age or how long you’ve known the person your marrying. Or living together… etc.

I don’t really need a set of statistics to tell you that the better you know the person BEFORE you get married – the better the chances of staying with that person.

The only truth I can see in that article is that people who have sex before marriage feel less of an inclination to hurry up and tie the knot… therefore waiting longer and getting to know each other better first. While people who don’t believe in sex before marriage – are generally going to feel more of a rush to hurry up and tie the knot when they are in a loving relationship.

However sleeping around and getting knocked up definitely effect that.

I think the best argument made in the piece is that it is socially and morally detrimental to equate “having sex responsibly and ethically” and “waiting until marriage”. “Waiting until marriage” lacks substantive content — it gives no good guidance as to how to have sex in a mutually respectful and satisfying way, nor how to to so in a way that prevents unwanted consequences (STIs, pregnancy). After all, a married couple who waited won’t have infections, and will want babies, right? Right.

My personal beef with the “wait until marriage line” growing up was the simple fact that getting married wasn’t one of my life goals. Getting a good education, a good job and having lots of different experiences and fulfilling relationships were. I think these too are good life goals for young people to have. Telling them to “wait until marriage” implicitly tells them that this is what they SHOULD want to do in life, as opposed to letting them dream their own dreams and set their own goals.

Furthermore, deciding whether or who to marry is arguably a far more important and life altering-decision than whether or with whom to have sex. It seems perfectly logical that one would be mature enough to make the latter decision well before one would be mature enought to make the former.

@bluegreenjean: I like your point of view of having other life goals other than getting married and focusing on achieving those. I for one don’t intend on stressing waiting for marriage to my children because while some people do wait, I think for the majority it’s unrealistic, and safe sex and protection should take a precedent. It seems as though parents that stress waiting until their kids get married, have kids who can’t come to them when they become sexually active and have questions. I want my kids to come to me and ask questions if they have any.

There are some very valid points in this article. Two that really stand out to me are the shaming of sex as it relates to the American cultural ability to talk and educate ourselves about sex, and the societally-percieved correlation between premarital sex and a woman’s honor and how that perception affects a woman’s role in the relationship and in greater society.

We Americans are quite prudish about sex. It’s shocking to me that such a scientifically and technologically advanced population gets so upset over teaching sex education in public schools. In some jurisdictions, kids still need a permission slip to take a sex ed class, and that leads kids to grow up thinking that sex is dirty, wrong, embarassing or immoral. Nothing could be further from the truth— sex is a normal, healthy function of the human body and nothing to be ashamed of. But when you are a pre-teen, just figuring out what your body is all about, and you’re given the message that nice people don’t mention sex, you’re less likely to talk to your parents, and less likely to make it through a sex ed class (if you get one) without giggling and wisecracking. This in turn means kids who become sexually active in response to the body’s natural changes, but do not have the proper education to do so responsibly nor the proper information to make a choice to remain a virgin and truly believe in that choice (and therefore stick with it).

It’s crazy to me that we will show dead bodies on cable TV (some of the HBO documentaries are pretty graphic, including Paradise Lost, which is a masterpiece even if some of the content is disturbing) but we will not show a naked breast. It’s no surprise that we as a society are breeding generation after generation of kids who are afraid of or ashamed of their own bodies and their own natural feelings.

On the topic of the gender-balanced relationship, I think most will agree that a healthy relationship is one where both partners contribute to the best of their ability and that no one gender “owns” any specific chore. If I choose to cook dinner most nights, it’s not because I’m the woman and it’s stereotypical “woman’s work;” it’s because I’m the better cook, and I enjoy cooking. When we shed the gender stereotypes in our relationships, our relationships become more robust and we build more mutual respect. Sex is just a part of this role, but it’s perhaps the easiest one to pinpoint. A woman’s worth is often quantified in terms of her sexuality: she’s a nice girl, or she’s a slut. A man’s worth, by comparison, is quantified in terms of his job or his accomplishments, and it’s rare for a man to ever be shamed about his sexual history. By taking control of our sexuality and rejecting the notion that we are to be rated based on our chastity, we can begin changing the rest of our relationships.

Now I’m not saying everyone should go out and have sex before they’re married just because of an article. But I am saying we should ALL have a look at our understanding of sex and our relationship with sex, and make healthy, informed choices.

@bluegreenjean: Could not agree with you more about having other goals. Marriage was not the be all, end all of my life. I hated that part of wedding planning – I talked to so many vendors that were bubbling over with “MOST SPECIAL DAY OF YOUR LIFE” sentiments and assumed I’d been dreaming of it my whole life.

I think my favorite part of the article is this: While boys are taught that the things that make them men – good men – are universally accepted ethical ideals, women are led to believe that our moral compass lies somewhere between our legs. It’s all the more troubling when those beliefs are federally funded.

The whole male stud v. female slut has always bothered me. So what if I’ve had multple partners? It was always safe and consensual, so who else but ME AND MY PARTNERS should give a flying crap about what I do? If you choose to wait until marriage for whatever reason, good for you. If you don’t, good for you as well! I don’t see why so many people (including the government!) feel the need to concern themselves with what’s going on in other people’s bedrooms.

@fishbone: “such a scientifically and technologically advanced population” .. Unfortunately, this does not describe the US. Too many adults believe in creation over evolution, do not believe in global warming, etc etc to call us scientifically advanced. And our technological capabilities are strong, but we do not have the best, for example, Internet in the world. Other countries FAR surpass us in that.

All I have to say is, I won’t call you a slut for sleeping with people before you got married if you don’t call me an immature prude for not. Also, I HATE how something like a relationship is ever equated to a car or a cow and those stupid phrases that demean everyone’s relationships.

I live in the South, so I hear about the ‘saving yourself’ for marriage quite a bit. My entire life sex education was just ‘don’t.’ Imagine getting to college and not knowing what sex was really about–yes, that was me. I’m more knowledgeable now, but it’s terrifying to think that I was brainwashed into being ashamed of the very thought.

The biggest problem I have with the morality of sex before marriage is the inequality between genders on this front. Women are badgered into ‘being pure’ and wanting to have sex before marriage or with different people makes her a slut and a whore. Men are badgered into having a sexual prowess, and if they don’t have sex they’re told that something is wrong with them. I really don’t see how we can cultivate a healthy view on sex when what each gender is told is so conflicting.

I believe that it is okay for a man or a woman to choose not to have sex, but I also believe that it is okay for a man or woman to choose to have sex, and with multiple partners if they want. But it is not okay to perpetuate an archaic sexual stereotype and shame the ones that don’t fit it.

Literally, my own mother told my brother not to get his girlfriend pregnant but told me not to have sex until I’m 30. See the problem here?