Sunday, December 31, 2006

I'm sitting here (D went to church,) taking inventory of 2006 trying to think of something uplifting because for some reason I could so easily slip into depression. (I'm trying not to panic here, let me stay positive.) I put on some good gospel music, that should help!

I find my own blog to be a great tool in the perspective of where I've been & where I'm going. Guess it's 'cause I don't remember much lately. Never the less, I've been reading back thru this year.

Guess I've done okay. But next year in 2007 I hope I get my money problems under control. It's ridiculous & embarrassing that at this age I am so broke. Also, I should go to dr's & a dentist, I've managed to go thru the year with good enough health not to bother. Not too smart, but better finances will help with that. Thank you God, Goddess, Universe for great health!!

I notice that not too many blog folks in relationships write about any problems they are going thru like I have. Surely their lives can't be ALL so happy & sunshiney? Then again, maybe they really are totally ecstatic with each other everyday!

I definately DO feel that way with Doris quite often, however I notice I tend to write more when I've hit those chords of discontent. Doris is just generally happy-go-lucky, outwardly sweet to everyone, always positive & feeling blessed. It is a great way to be... albeit a bit like living in denial for me. Ha. Wish I was more like her. I just think too much. She really tries more not to think, by constantly having TV or stereo going, sometimes both at the same time, (argh, too noisey for me...) or reading 2 or 3 daily newspapers.

She remaines calm to keep her blood pressure down, & I'd do well to learn that trick. I brood more & feel deeply.

She is really FUNNY & makes me laugh, which is the most important thing in a relationship as far as I'm concerned. That & trust not to be fucked around on. Hate THAT.

Doris can COOK! And she cleans like a white tornado in record speed! I burn hard boiled eggs & after I spend a whole day "cleaning up" the place still looks as messy & disheveled as ever.

Oh, and she is exquisitely beautiful & ALWAYS lookslike a fashion plate stepping right off the pages of Vogue. Even in her jeans. Me? I USED to be like that but prefer my baggy sweats & no makeup at this stage of life. (I do force myself to gussie up since she likes it, tho'.)

That is getting easier to do again since I've dropped all this weight. Which brings me to my greatest accomplishment this year... Getting rid of 53 lbs of dead flubber thru Weight Watchers & Curves. Now if I can just maintain this thru the next year & stay on 'lifetime member' I will be proud. I am so relieved not to appear fat to others, I was ashamed. Doris never made me feel bad about it, though. She always said she loved me no matter what.

Most the time I believed her. I just didn't love myself. It's hard to do, being such a perfectionist.

Tonight we are going to a New Year's Eve dinner party down the street at the home of nice gay men! I am looking fwd to it. They have it every year, & the people there are always nice & mainly from the Gay church, MCC. It's a GREAT way to start out the new year!

Just layed around in bed ALL day, reading the papers, napping, watching Lifetime TV movies, totally relaxing. It was glorious, Finally got up & had a delicious dinner at Charlie Brown's. Life is good here in my little corner of the world. Thank you, Jesus! Alleluia & Amen.

Two days ago we had the youngest grandson here again. Doris was cooking in the kitchen & I had come dowstairs to spend time watching TV with the kid & to be close to them. At one point I had asked him to turn the volume down a little, (it was blaring.) Doris started saying 'he's just minding his business, not bothering anyone, leave him alone, go back upstairs,..' I got up went up to her in the kitchen & said do you enjoy putting me down in front of your grandson, is this fun to you? You always do this in front of your kids & grandkids. She was like, why are you bothering him, I said I came down to be with him, to be with you both.. Are you getting off on this? I turned around & went up to feed the animals. She was saying no, I didn't mean anything by it, denying any problem. I put the dog on the leash & walked out the door saying you do this everytime, you did it last time in front of all of them. I came back & dinner was ready & she said she was sorry, she didn't mean anything by it. The night continued on & we took the young one home.

Back in bed, everything was fine. It was SO great to be just alone in the house with her again. Yesterday was great. And then today was so mellow.

I'm going to have to have a conversation with her about putting on a united front & supporting each other, a concept she has obviously yet to consider. I'll just have to choose that time wisely so as not to start WW3.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Still Chillin', made it thru Christmas with only the grandkids, none of the (adult) kids or the annoying sister showed up because of teeming rain & travel time. It was wonderful with the good sister & her immediate family & grandkids! No big drama or bullshit. Cool.

Still, I got off my food plan & ate everything in sight, & I had NO control over eating desserts & went crazy with red velvet cake. Geesh, pathetic. Whatever. Today I got up first thing & went to Curves, & plan to every day the rest of the week.

Got a bit upset today when taking the grandkids home, the younger one wanted to stay & Doris thought it was so cute & did not say no. I socked her in the arm (oh great, now I'm hitting her) & said WE WERE GOING TO THE MOVIES, WE DISCUSSED THIS... She said I just want peace, I said NO you don't, we already talked about this, so if you dont want to go to Dream Girls, fine. She did tell the Grandkid he had to go home with his brother (they are 14 & 18) & we DID go see Dream Girls. Which was So FABULOUS, by the way!!!!

Doris will pick up the kid tomorrow & bring him back over. Aunt Kathy here wanted a damn break.

Monday, December 25, 2006

All's quiet on the Eastern front over here. Usually I would agree with Bent over at Bent Fabric during this time of the season. I have hated it for years & Cringe at the first Xmas trees, first commercials & HATE the damn music, man it has set me on the edge of STRESS & dread for decades now. It hhas always meant too much to get done & not enough time to do it...

But THIS Year has been different! At first I was so SAD I was too broke to afford my 10 yearly photo albums & enlarge all the pics I've taken thru the year for D's family. Too busted to even buy Doris a great gift. Too paralyzed to even get out my annual Xmas Letters & picture cards. sigh.

Well, who knew it would free me to actually enjoy the holiday??? I am even relaxed. I have just so far floated thru it all & even loved the festivities & parties. In a few hours we shall pick up some grandkids & drive off of Burlington where we always congregate with major family & friends. I'm not even worried. Whatever! I am along for the ride & shall take more pictures, hopefully for next Christmas.

Stay tuned, I shall add to this later after midnight to talk of how it went! Meanwhile, have a wonderful day everyone!I am planning on it.xxoo smooches!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Okay. Has anyone else had this problem??All of a sudden I am NOT able to leave comments on SO MANY blogs now. I mean like, WHAT THE HELL??? Does anyone know what to do, IS there anything to do? I'm merrily going along, reading my favorite folks, then click to comments & then get thrown out. Afterwhich I have to shut my computer down & turn it back on. Now this is fucked up, not to mention stupid as shit. Sassy or Elizabeth, any suggestions?

And if anyone can get to Tropopause please tell her the window shades need to be opened for takeoff & landing so we can assess conditions outside (ie FIRE!) in case of emergency landings... I wouldn't want to open a door to evacuate if there are flames out there!! I've tried to answer that from weeks ago. She doesn't even have her email addy on her blog, or I would have personally sent her the answer.

Then please tell Queen Maxine at So Many Other Dreams that many airports have taken seating OUT so that homeless people can not sit & sleep...(SO SAD, but true...)

And if you can inform Zoe at Gaymo that I would NOT like to find out if Doris was fucking around on me. (She's taking a poll..) My ego is SO fragile (oh yeah, such a dainty little flower am I) that I would kill them both & leave. After 25yrs together, I would miss her so much, I doubt I could go on without her. (wouldn't miss her family much, tho' HAHAHA!) (ooops! SHUT UP, Kathy.)

Next, I wish I could tell Syd at Adrenalin's Shadow that it'd been great if someone had taught ME how to fight as a kid. (Altho' I would have surely gotten into big trouble with my violent tendencies.) And Julie B did a GREAT meme at Lost Inside My Mind. And I can no longer reply to Deborah at Middle Daughter EITHER...DAMN!!!!

It really pisses me off I can no longer communicate with these cool cyber friends. Fuck Shit Piss. Dammittohell! Somebody HELP me, Please.

3 days before Xmas, & I am still coasting. Can't do much without money, so it really eliminates STRESS! Hey this is great, who knew? I'm usually in high insanity about now. Instead, I am happy & joyful for what I DO have!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I didn't realize it's been 2 weeks since I wrote. And here I was going thru all my favorite blogs cussing out the bloggers who haven't added anything new for weeks.... Hmmm. Well, fuck me I guess!

My burnt arm has just about healed itself! I'm going to the Dr. again tomorrow & I expect to be released to clear the "sick list." Even better news, I'm on vacation for these last 2 weeks of Dec! And I am feeling great from all the rest from my 'injury on duty' time off, which is RARE during the holidays because I'd normally pick up major extra trips BEFORE the vacation so my paycheck wouldn't be so sparse. Oh well. Don't know how I'm gona make it in Feb when I get the paycheck the end of Jan with no overtime from Dec. (We're paid the next month for out flights for the present month.) For sure I'll be trying to squeeze in many extra trips in Jan so the end of Feb's pay will be redeeming... hopefully.

I have no money for Xmas gifts.The fabulous photo albums I make for all of D's family each year cost well over $1200 which is just not there this year.Don't feel like doing my yearly Xmas picture card & letter, either. Damn, the stamps are so expensive now. Decorated the outside & finally put up the Tree. I add a few ornaments each day... pretty half-ass.. It's just always such a struggle for me each year to get it all done in time. Then the kids/grandkids come & the family drama starts, so I get pissed I've put myself out for everyone... Decided not to do anything this year, so I won't get so fucking annoyed. I notice I'm feeling a LOT more holidayish without all that stress. Fuck everyone, I'm just coasting this year. I'm a lot happier this way.

Being broke is sorta embarassing. And depressing. Esp at my age, thought I'd have it more together by now. But it is what it is... And anyway thank God I was able to take out a small loan to pay off some bills & this month's mortgage. phew! I am grateful.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Oh my Gosh, I just don't understand...Why the hell are thing so great when we are NOT around her family??? Just wondering. Because it fucks up EVERY holiday ever in the world. Honestly...

I am a romantic. I USED to think holidays were always SO special & a great romantic sorta celebration between just 2 dykes. And it used to be. Until Doris & her ready-made dysfunctional family. She just LOVES to be around them all. Since I, myself came from crazy-ass family dysfunction, I never understood why people are always SO drawn to that insanity every year.

And I always used to have SUCH romantic holidays with all my boyfriends in the past & then all my gilrfriends up until Doris. In the beginning of our relationship, I mistakingly thought that Doris would eventually tire of all the family dynamics & be grateful to have special holidays with her Lover. Boy was I wrong.

It took a few years for ME to adjust, since she didn't. I started taking pictures of all the family gatherings & finally got into it by basically becoming the family historian. Every Xmas I give them all 8X10 photo albums of the entire year & it's become quite a tradition.

Actually, it will be invaluable after Doris, myself, & her Sister's die as all the memories will be recorded for the grans which will be all grown up, maybe with their own kids, continuing the whole nutcase process in their own way.

Unfortunately this year I am broke & in debt, so I may not be able to do such grand Xmas presents... I have not even gotten the film developed yet.

So far I have been so upset, that I am not even stressing over it yet, as I had just been trying to get thru the visitations/home invasions & feeling unappreciated by my dearest Love. Guess these things will never change.. I just have to learn to live with it... Blood is thicker than water & all that yada yada yada shit.

So to have had these days be so good, to have my old life back, to be shouted to "I LOVE YOU" down the asile in the middle of Target today gave me back some balance. Yay! She is so much fun when it is just us, together.

But have no fear, the looser son is still around & will undoubtably be back...However for the past week he's been off doing "his thing," whatever & whoever that is. And it's been so much better!

In fact, it just occured to me that I passed my 26th anniversary clean & dry on Thanksgiving. I had felt so much stress that I could barely focus on staying sober & not picking up... booze, drugs OR food! So anyway, I made it another year! Bravo for me.

BTW, I just can't believe all the blog entries I've missed over the past week...or 2 or three. How is it possible that life goes on when I'm so miserable??? hah! Just kidding.

So get a load of THIS......I burned my damn hand & arm..On a flight from Lax to Ewr..Serving hot, greasy steaks,I don't know what happened, there wasn't even any turbulence.I had 2 entrees on my tray, on my way out of the galley & I banged into a wall (big spaz) & hot steaks fell all over me onto the floor, but the burning GREASE just seared into my skin, all over my apron & blouse, & it hurt like a motherfucker!! I immediately threw my whole arm into the ice drawer & kept it there for 15-20 min, called the #5 from the back to come up & help the other flight attendant while I tried to deal with the burns.I went to a care center the next morning (it was around 0200am when I got home.)The Dr. put some creme on it & wrapped my hand & arm as blisters had formed. I was then taken off my trip for that day (I was to have flown 4 days in a row.)I go back on monday to get it checked. So meanwhile I am resting & getting well!Hence, I finally had time to add a new blog entry.

Sorry about all the complaining. I think my online journal has become as boring as some of the others I got tired of in the past! Unfortunately my bitching may well continue thru the whole month of Dec, ARE YOU KIDDING?? How 'bout forever. I guess I'll have to try (another) New Years resolution to be More Positive... Next year. grin.

About Me

My Circling Thoughts
An ever recovering compulsive escape addict from Reality & other harsh
Realms of Existance.
The Odyssey of a Spiritual Quest for Consciousness.
I invite you as I stumble thru my personal memoirs of awakening....such
as they are.
Such as I am...
Kathymae
Today.
RAMBLINGS OF A UNIVERSAL VAGABONDESS,
SKYGYPSY, SKYGODDESS, SKYDYKE, SKYSISTER, SKYBIDDY, SKYWENCH...
MINDPATHS OF A WANDERING WONDER WARRIOR...
AN AGING & DEFIANT SOLDIER OF MENOPAUSE
or
WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING NOW???..........
KMB524@aol.com