Survivor decides which finalist has eye of tiger, will to survive

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Sunday, May 13. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK

Survivor(CBS, 8 p.m.): The events of Survivor’s current season definitively prove that women are more capable than men of surviving in the semi-controlled wilds of a reality series—now it’s time to decide which woman is better-equipped for survival than every male on the planet. Of course, if we had our way, this season’s champ would by Carrie Raisler, because she’s the one who’s writing thousands of words about this two-hour finale and one-hour reunion special.

REGULAR COVERAGE

Once Upon A Time(ABC, 8 p.m.): The class of 2011-12’s one unqualified success wraps its season finale with characters on both sides of the fairytale divide in mortal peril. Which characters? Oliver Sava isn’t telling.

The Simpsons(Fox, 8 p.m.): Thanks to its accelerated production schedule, Survivor ends its 24th season a week before The Simpsons ends its 23rd. Before that happens, however, Rowan Kaiser cordially invites you to the not-so-secret wedding reception for Ned Flanders and Edna Krabappel.

Bob’s Burgers(Fox, 8:30 p.m.): Jenny Slate’s accidental Saturday Night LiveF-bomb is two years and 17 million “Marcel The Shell With Shoes On” views behind the actress—but if there’s a venue for poking fun at her on-air faux pas, it’s a role as a “bad influence” on Bob’s Burgers. And Rowan Kaiser fucking loves the show for that.

The Killing(AMC, 9 p.m.): Holder’s missing! Is this an indication that The Killing is prepared to wrap up Rosie’s murder and segue into a new long-term mystery, possibly one that isn’t rife with dead ends and false leads? If so, what is Brandon Nowalk going to write about?

Game Of Thrones(HBO, 9 p.m.): Cersei and Sansa share a moment as future mother- and daughter-in-law—a moment that, God willing, ends with the suggestion “Hey, you should totally kill my brat of a son.” Todd VanDerWerff and David Sims humbly suggest an assassination by slapping.

Celebrity Apprentice(NBC, 9 p.m.): Frazier-Ali. Holyfield-Tyson. Ali/Superman. These are the match-ups that define generations, that grandparents relate to their grandchildren—just as Margaret Eby will one day transmit her memories of Aiken-Hall-O’Day from the microchip in her head to those of any young people of the future who care to listen and aren’t distracted by mind-sexting and/or telepathic Words With Friends.

Sherlock(PBS, 9 p.m.): Sherlock’s ratings were mighty impressive last week, and they ought to stay that way with co-creator Mark Gatiss’ update of one of the most well-known Sherlock Holmes tales, The Hound Of The Baskervilles. If Sherlock’s murderous dog turns out to be a rogue K-9, John Teti wouldn’t object.

Nurse Jackie(Showtime, 9 p.m.): A custody battle ensues between Jackie and Kevin, which isn’t entirely surprising given everything that’s ever happenened on Nurse Jackie. At this point, it’s hard to believe it’s legal for our own, impressionable Phil Dyess-Nugent to spend as much time with Jackie as he does.

The Big C(Showtime, 9:30 p.m.): Allison Janney plays a Hollywood producer looking to make a movie from Cathy’s life story. Which seems redundant, since that life story is already a television show… oh, Phil Dyess-Nugent just informed us that everyone on this show is a fictional character.

Mad Men(AMC, 10 p.m.): We’ve really enjoyed how the cream of the pop crop from 1966 has creeped into the background of Mad Men all season; stone-cold classics from that year that ought to join the Pet Sounds and Revolver cuts heard previously: Bob Dylan’s Blonde On Blonde, Complete And Unbelievable: The Otis Redding Dictionary Of Soul, The Who’s A Quick One, and, Todd VanDerWerff’s favorite, Lightfoot! by Gordon Lightfoot.

Veep(HBO, 10 p.m.): Selina answers the big questions on Meet The Press, a conversation where she won’t have the benefit of Gary feeding her biographical tidbits about the other panelists. However, write-in Veep correspondent Katherine Miller is happy to whisper her thoughts about the episode into your ear.

The Borgias(Showtime, 10 p.m.): The lightning strike at St. Peter’s puts the fear of God in Alexander—literally. Considering there’s at least another season of being history’s most lecherous pope ahead of Alexander, don’t expect the reformation to last long. Les Chappell sure doesn’t.

Girls(HBO, 10:30 p.m.): Hannah fights sexual harassment with sexual harassment, treating her handsy boss to an exaggerated dose of his own medicine. Todd VanDerWerff’s review will be a paraphrased version of the Onion Inc. employee handbook.

Metalocalypse(Cartoon Network, 12:30 a.m.): There’s nothing like a good prank war—unless that prank war is conducted by the members of Dethklok, in which case the prank war is a truly unique ordeal where someone’s probably ending up dead (or worse). Phil Dyess-Nugent just wants to get out of this episode with all 10 fingers intact.

TV CLUB CLASSIC

Doctor Who (Classic)(11 a.m.): Romona regenerates in time to join the Doctor in playing a part in the “Destiny Of The Daleks.” Christopher Bahn’s destiny is to review one Dalek story per month until August.

WHAT ELSE IS ON?

Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9 p.m.): ABC closes down Wisteria Lane, bringing an end to eight years of camp, cattiness, murder mysteries, kids locked in basements, and declining ratings. Phil Dyess-Nugent narrates the series finally from beyond the grave—a.k.a. outside of Dallas.

The Next Food Network Star (Food Network, 9 p.m.): The quest to find the new Bobby Flay or Giada De Laurentiis (or, shudder, Guy Fieri 2.0) begins with pop-up restaurants and tiny budgets. Pop-up restaurants: They’re the new way of separating the wheat from the chaff on any and all cooking competitions.

Tracy Morgan: Black And Blue (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.): It’s been a week of ups and downs for Tracy Morgan: His stint on 30 Rock received its 13-episode farewell on Thursday, three days after the comedian was hospitalized in Colorado. Here’s hoping the première of his new standup special starts the next seven days on a high note.

NASA’s Unexplained Files (Discovery, 10 p.m.): We’re sorry—we read the letter “x” so close to the word “files” and became inordinately excited about Discovery continuing the adventures of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. But hey, this is an hour about purported UFO sightings, so the truth’s still out there, right?

Uncle Buck (Encore, 8 p.m.): The Venn diagrams of John Hughes’ career—represented by the comedy of teen angst, mid-life ennui, and Macaulay Culkin’s precociousness—intersect to form the ideal vehicle for John Candy, who inspired the late Hughes as much as any member of the Brat Pack.

Stella Dallas (TCM, 8 p.m.): Barbara Stanwyck stars as a social striver in this sudsy 1937 drama, which earned her the first of her four Best Actress Oscar nominations.

Stanley Cup Playoff: Game 1: Kings at Coyotes (NBC Sports, 8 p.m.): In a development that somehow didn’t prompt a wave of massive coronaries across Canada, the team that will represent the NHL’s Western Conference in the Stanley Cup Finals will hail from either California or Arizona. Los Angeles and Phoenix each made quick work of their opponents in the first and second rounds, so this one should be a nail-biter.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Saturday Night Live(Saturday): Did Will Ferrell ride the announcement of that Anchorman sequel into a resurrection of Ron Burgundy on SNL? Or did he bring back a character he, you know, created before he left the show? Knights of Columbus! Only David Sims knows.