Patterns of Codependency

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency and may aid those who have been in recovery a while determining what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This in turn enabled us not to look too closely at our faults.

We “stuff” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too much.

We are isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.

We have become approval seekers and have lost our identity in the process.

We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

We live from the viewpoint of victims and are attacked by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

We judge ourselves harshly and have a low sense of self esteem.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order to not experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emotionally for us.

We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can pity and rescue.

We have either become chemically dependent, married one or both, or found another compulsive personality, such a workaholic to fulfill our own compulsive needs.

We have become addicted to excitement.

We are reactors in life rather than actors.

Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

Codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive.

We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships that don’t work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives… ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person we can change.. ourselves. These are our problems.

The following are characteristics of codependent persons: (We started to do these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs.)