How to be a local slay queen

“Wake Up, Eat, Slay, Repeat” The Slay Queen motto pretty much sums it all. Slaying has become a lifestyle, a basic need or even a human right. For some, it’s a religion, meaning there are doctrines to respect and commandments that they must follow. You will find that many Slay Queens were born in Kalisizo, raised in the heart of Mutundwe, work on Instagram and supervised by the divine forces of filters, Instagram likes and comments. To slay, you must look good at all costs, even if it means borrowing crop-tops, heels and worse still, weaves. Slaying is simply fashion extremism. The make-up shouldn’t look ordinary too. You must look like you walked out of a Sadolin Paint advert at the worst case scenario. As ordinary mortals stress with the real date of Sevo’s baptism, Slay Queens live their life as if it were a photoshoot and pose for photos wherever they can find “good convenient light”. It can be at Blankets and Wines or even the Cemetery, yes you read right. The damned home of the dead! Slay Queens are also bound by the covenant of lifting “one ka leg” when posing for a photo. It’s almost a sin not to do so. Obviously with headquarters at Instagram and a branch at Snapchat, these slay queens are hard at work for sure. No days off whatsoever. Today, we are grooming a new breed of slay queens who would rather sleep hungry than peel matooke with their neatly-vanished nails. The battle to look good is growing fierce by the day and as expected, more slay queens are joining the fray. If you want to be your town’s dopest slay queen, copy my notes.

Your background doesn’t matter Slaying is for everyone regardless of where you come from. It doesn’t matter if jiggers are the main tourist attraction at your home or if meat is a guest in your household, you can still slay. All it takes is the right attitude. No one wants to know that you pulled the tail in your UACE’s at Nakasongola SS. The question is, can you look good? If nature answers with a big “No”, defy it by force. To be a slay queen, make sure you don’t take pictures with your unkempt alcoholic uncle in Kyenjojo lest you risk losing props. Your dad’s Kaunda suits are better suited for family photos in the living room not a gallery of an Iphone. Keep him out! A kaweke laden childhood doesn’t mean you can’t rock some flawless hair. If your hair is endangered, simply go and procure it. Women’s clothes are unbelievablly cheap in Uganda so stock as much as you can to slay.

Go The Extra Mile Just how far are you willing to go to look good or land 100 likes on a picture? Slay Queen Commandment 33 states that “Though Shall Not Use Passport Photos For Public Viewing” In fact, any kind of disobedience borders on blasphemy. The public eyes are prying so you gotta catch their attention with anything. If a nice sexy dress won’t do it, load your bra with anything foreign and show the world. Don’t let discounted breast size ruin “slayage.” A pull up bra as well as exposing acres of cleavage should be able to save the day. You also can’t pose like you are standing at a school assembly. C’mon, be creative and put out your invisible butt for some imagination. Do it like a donkey perhaps. The Slay Queen fortress is the mirror in the ladies toilet. With the help of photo filters, they will make a bathroom at Obama Bar in Kansanga look like those at upscale Serena. You can’t leave any stones unturned in slay world. Even if it means standing on a car bonnet to get the right angle for a dope selfie, please take the risk.

Full-time job Slaying is a full-time job. This means you slay at breakfast and do the same at dinner. You must look nice throughout the day. It’s also kinda mandatory to show the whole world what kind of breakfast you are having or any other meal for that matter. If you have been surviving on a carbs diet of cassava for months, put slaying on hold. Do oats, flakes or some fancy breakfast at Café Javas and post pics on Instagram for accountability. The world needs to see that you have salads for breakfast. The weak are the ones who wash off make-up before they go to bed. Real slay queens sleep with tonnes of make-up on their faces. Its a movement, you are either in or your out. Well, there you have it. Let’s go build the nation as new generation slay queens.