A place to let it all hang out, but only if you've got what it takes. If you don't have it, then we want you to leave it safely tucked away. Mmm, yeah, tucked far away... where no one can see it... ever.

November 30, 2006

Um, while I'm happy that Billy Idol is at least doing something, (and not sounding too bad, I might say) I'm not sure if this was such a brilliant idea. Billy Idol and Christmas standards just don't go together. It's like that Sesame Street clip: which thing is not like the others. The Christmas box would be the thing that doesn't belong because you'd have the Billy Idol box, the Stoly box, and the motorcycle box. Those are the three things that go together. I'm also not feeling the whole Frank Sinatra/ Harry Connick, Jr. vibe he's trying to cop. Listen to me Billy, there is nothing sadder to me than watching you trying to hide your sneer while you sing White Christmas. STOP IT, I say. Stop it, now!

November 22, 2006

November 21, 2006

When I picked up my daughter from school yesterday, she told me that they were cancelling school on Wednesday (which was originally scheduled as a half day) because 15% of the student body was absent that day and the administration figured it was best to just give the kids an early holiday since there would most likely be lots of students out for the rest of the week.

"Why were so many kids out?" I asked. On Friday, the school sent home a letter saying a child had been diagnosed with and was being treated for pinworms. The letter described the symptoms so we could all be aware if our own children seemed to be suffering from a similar problem, but I knew this could not explain for 15% of the kids being out.

"Well, now we have head lice," my daughter explained. "I have another letter today."

"Great," I responded.

My daughter went on to explain that a lot of kids also were sick from viruses. "So those are your three choices, Mom," she said. "Either your head itches, or your butt itches or you're throwing up. Isn't that wonderful?"

November 17, 2006

So. . .Have you ever seen your dog dragging its butt across your carpet? More likely then not this activity is not due to worms as many uninformed dog owners have always touted. It is actually due to the largely unknown Anal gland. The anal gland also known as the anal sack is located right below the dog's butthole generally at the 6 and 7 o'clock positions. The Anal sacks are an organ much like the appendix of a human. It truly doesn't serve much of a purpose. In ions gone by the secretion that comes from the anal sack was used a sort of calling card for the dog. When they took a crap the hard poop would push against the anal sack and makes the butt juice squirt out. Back when they were hunting deer etc. Dogs diets were primarily meat so that made them have really hard poops. Now that they eat dog chow their poops many times are a bit softer. So. . .when they take a crap the poop doesn't squish the glands as much and they can get full. If left for two long the sacks can cause discomfort for the dog. Hence the scooting etc. This is where the butt milking comes into play. In order to alleviate the discomfort to your dog along with preventing possible infection the dogs butt must be milked. Now we take our dog to the vet to have her butt milked. I do this because the idea of pinching my dogs butt hole between my thumb and index finger just doesn't seem that fun. Lets not forget to mention the outcome! From all reports I've received the smell of butt juice is like smelling a fart from ole Beelzebub himself. This is something I don't wish to encounter. In addition to that I don't think I'd want to be squirted with this stuff either. I'd probably spend the next 5 years or so gagging and dry heaving non stop if some of that stuff hit me. This being said there are many people that don't want to spend the 20 dollars or so it would take to have someone do this task for them. imagine trying to get your dog to sit still while you lifted its tail and began to squeeze just below its butt hole like a pimple. Granted, the relief afterwards is probably nice I'd imagine the dog would feel pretty violated by their buddy. I want my dog to have nothing but admiration and adoration for me. My sister on the other hand is fascinated with butt milking. I think if she got the chance she would opt to milk her own dog's butt. Not because she is cheap mind you but because she is very curious about butt juice. She wants to see it, smell it and maybe even rub it between her fingers to ascertain its viscosity. There are no pictures on the internet of this fluid but its described as clear to brown and liquidy to oily. So if this post facinates you. Go to the pound find yourself a dog adopt it, take it home, and get to butt milking.

So my brother is on my case because I haven't posted in a really, really long time. But what can I say? I've been wicked busy lately. Take today for instance. As soon as I get off work, I have to rush home and pack while my husband takes our daughter to her guitar lesson because we will be heading to Frankenmuth (aka Little Bavaria), MI this weekend. No rest for the weary, as they say. Now let me try to recall the most exciting events of the last few weeks. Oh, I was crowned Queen of the Ice last Saturday when I was selected above tens and dozens of other hockey fans to ride the Zamboni during a period break. It was thrilling, to say the least. The adoring throng cheered me on and bowed before my magnificence. I have to say I felt like I was home. You know, it just felt right. Like I'd finally found my place in the world. It was regretably short lived. OK, I have to watch Ugly Betty right now, so I'll be back later.