So now you have to take off your shirt to chew bubble gum? (Photo credit: Greatist)

I can juggle knives. I’ve scuba dived to feed sharks. I’ve built and destroyed things, typically at the same time.

I’ve saved lives.

I can walk. I can chew gum. I can combine the two.

Looking back on that list, it occurs to me to say that I’m more than competent. I am accomplished and I don’t care who knows it.

But I don’t know how bubble gum works. I get the chewing part; how people make a bubble with it is a mystery to me.

You Think You Can Teach Me…

I know that admitting this will get me tips on how to do it. Whenever I’ve said that I can’t blow a bubble someone has said “I can teach you.” Every one of them has been wrong; well-intentioned, yet wrong.

After decades of attempts and instructions, I’ve never blown a bubble. Good, kind-hearted, patient people have tried. None has been able to teach me. Those who’ve spoken about their fool-proof methods have failed. Perhaps no one they’d taught before me was quite the fool I am.

Ha ha ha, get it? Me neither. (Photo credit: brutha nick)

Did you know there are people who have taught bubble gum blowing so much that they actually have a teaching method? There are. I’m not telling you this in tribute to their gift or their devotion to others. I’m telling you to give you some idea of how far I went in my now abandoned quest to learn the mysterious ways of bubble gum. I actually found people who have methods – that’s how far.

…But I Know You Can’t

Maybe you have a successful bubble gum curriculum. If so, I know you’re reading this and thinking that you are The One. The One who can reach this unreachable student. You are not. I mean no disrespect by that. No one is that teacher.

Hubba Bubba, Bazooka, Bubblicious, the hard gum that comes in baseball cards. It doesn’t matter what kind of bubble gum you give me. I will chew it, I’ll try to blow a bubble and the result will be exactly the same as it was when I was ten years old. A rude noise will come out of my mouth. It could be worse; sometimes the gum shoots out of my mouth and across the room. The one thing that I’m certain won’t happen is a bubble.

My face is uncoordinated. There is nothing anyone can do about that. Thanks for your concern.

Today over on Long Awkward Pause, the team takes on another reader suggested topic. Today’s post is one topic, eight short answers. Stop by and read all about it.

Advertisements

If I hadn't written this, I would use these to tell people I'd read it.

Oh I get you I can do a lot of things you mentioned here but am yet to make a bubble of a bubble gum. I have seen little kids do it and it is so irritating. They say if you have never killed someone and/or blown a bubble of a bubble gum you will rot in lowest part of hell where they make you write lengthy articles.

He either responds with a long sentence in Spanish (I think it’s a sentence. Maybe he’s reciting the alphabet) or, in the deep official G-man voice he uses to remind me he’s a trained assassin, a long, slow, disapproving, “Hippieeee, you’re not Spanish. Why you answer like this?”

Being able to blow bubbles is a highly overrated skill. Chewing 15 pieces of Bazooka bubble gum and not choking is the land where the big boys and girls play. Anyway, who chews bubble gum anymore? And who writes those annoying cartoons in the packs? I wonder how much that person gets paid. Probably a buck a month. I feel guilty now. Must go find Bazooka and chew.

Can you knot a cherry stem with your tongue? Just wondering because I imagine it involves similar skill set. I’m always fascinated by people who can do that. I can barely knot a cherry stem with my fingers.

I am not a fan of gum, so can’t really relate to your bubble issues. Although I’m not very good at blowing up balloons which maybe is similar. Good thing I never became a clown. I also have never been able to touch my toes – hamstrings like tight rubber bands! Though perhaps that’s more common than I realize.

I can blow bubbles with bubble gum. Actually, I am really good at it. Don’t worry I believe you…I wouldn’t be able to teach you. I know this because I can’t whistle and no matter who tries or how hard they try I can not whistle. Not if my life or someone I love’s life depended on it. You would think if I could master one the other would come naturally. So tell me…can you whistle?