How to Be Cool and Play Off that Furry Porn You Forgot Was on Your Phone

by Patch O'Furr

@SpotlessEnvy saw my Onion-style headline and suggested writing the article. I asked if they wanted to try it as a guest post. Here it is, with the extra fabulous bonus of illustrations made by Spotless. Check them out for art commissions. – Patch

Unfortunately, it’s a common awkward moment in the day of the smartphone. You hand your phone to a friend, family member, coworker, etc. to show them your vacation photos, the 87 pictures of your dog you took this morning, 2007’s embarrassing Halloween costume or the like, and despite your pleading scream of, “Don’t swipe!” they swipe. In the fandom, what’s the worst thing for them to find on your phone?

How to Be Cool and Play Off that Furry Porn You Forgot Was on Your Phone:

1. I got this phone on Craigslist

Hey, buying gently used electronics off Craigslist, eBay, Amazon, and the like is fairly common these days. Just explain that you didn’t think to clear the memory before using it. “Don’t worry Mom, I’m not a sexual deviant; the person I bought the phone from was!”

2. My roommates/friends like to play obscure jokes

Live in a dorm or apartment with other people? Hang out with friends regularly? If you answered yes to either of these questions, congratulations! You have a scapegoat. “Dang, Jimmy must have messed with my phone while I was in the bathroom. What a stinker!”

3. I’m doing a presentation on current art trends

You could easily swap out art trends for viral marketing or some other topic. Explain that you were researching for a presentation and needed pictures for the slides. “Y’know Carl, you’d never believe how profitable this stuff is. I’m sure Professor Smith’s never seen this topic before!”

4. There’s this obscure virus going around…

There’s all kinds of strange forms of malware and viruses on the net. Who’s to say there isn’t one that instantly downloads 16 gigabytes of suggestive pictures of dog-people onto your phone? “Oh no! Looks like I’ve been hit with the E621 virus!”

5. I share my GoogleDrive with a friend

Or other cloud-storage service. “Look Sarah, we both know Harry is into some weird stuff. My fault for sharing the cloud with him I guess.”

6. Just own up to it

Listen, furries are becoming more and more mainstream. Just go ahead and say it; usually the person will appreciate the honesty. If they’re close enough to you, they probably won’t care that you moonlight as a giant fuzzy husky/dragon hybrid who’s into bondage or what have you.

Pro Tip: if you decide on using one of the first five options, it might be best to have those files stored elsewhere. Don’t wanna lose good quality porn!