The iMan, due to be shipped starting November, are healthy, smart, charismatic, athletic and completely dreamy men whose primary goal in life is to please their ladies.

“It helps that the iMan models are also good-looking,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the launch, much to the delight of the mostly female audience. “Just like any other Apple product, we’ve made sure that the iMan is something you’d be proud parading around and displaying while you sip your lattes.”

The first-generation smart man joins the barrage of hyper-innovative smart phones, smart tablets and smart wearables that analysts say would not only satiate the hunger of Apple fans around the world who have been waiting for ‘the next big thing’, but also serve to boost the company’s performance after losing ground to rivals Samsung and new entries from China.

Pinching the pecs of one iMan on stage to display the absurdly handsome features of the shiny product, Cook said that each iMan was designed to the strict specifications of what women look for in the idea of a ‘perfect man’.

“Of course, what each woman want in men might be different, so we approached the iMan design with a mixture of top-of-the-line core features, plus unparalleled customisation.

“The iMan comes in the standard peak age-range of 25- to 40-years old, but you can have your iMan in white, black, beige, pale, brown or anything in between. You can pretty much custom-order your iMan to be of any ethnicity and skin colour. Heck, you can even order your smart-man to resemble almost any handsome celebrity — we’ve got a template of over 1,500 hot men from around the world,” said Cook, adding jokingly that he may be on the list too.

Other than being super smart, considerate and good natured as being standard, the iMan comes in three variants, the iMan ‘e’, ‘b’ and ‘m’.

“The ‘e’ stands for ’emo’,” said Cook. “This variant has high sensitivity and emotional intelligence quotient, so expect this iMan to understand your every feeling. We designed this model for women who seek an emotional equal. You can chat about virtually anything all night long and he won’t turn into a zombie like most regular guys do.

“The ‘b’ model is all about brains. Some women are stimulated by highly intelligent men, so this variant, while still being completely wonderful as a life partner, will thrill you with his genius mind. However, to avoid this iMan to turn into a total geek or smart aleck that might turn you off, you can adjust the iMan b’s intelligence setting, between ‘Top Student’ to ‘Stephen Hawking’.

“The ‘m’ model in the meantime, focuses on machismo,” Cook added, flexing his own arm muscles. “This iMan is all about brawn and strength, yet still retaining the sensitivity of your dream man.

“Think of it as your personal Hercules in touch with his feminine side.”

Cook said that the iMan, with prices starting at US$499, comes with 20 hours of battery life, depending on usage. “We’re working to extend the active time of each iMan of course, but if you think about it, the iMan is still better than a regular man who typically needs 8 hours of sleep every day. It’s an ongoing innovation process.

“Additionally, we’re working to add more features to future models, such as the ability to make money and be nice to in-laws. So while currently you’d have to pay for his meals and sustain his lifestyle, iMan 2 will be completely self-reliant, and may even support your household income.”

KUALA LUMPUR — If there were anyone that couldn’t be happier that Ramadan is here, it would be foodstuff. As Muslims observing the holy fasting month would abstain from eating during the day, leaving roughly only half of the population not fasting, it means that food would be getting eaten less often, and get more time for themselves.

“I’m excited, really,” said Nasi Ayam, when met at the Mid Valley Megamall branch of The Chicken Rice Shop yesterday. “This would be my first fasting month, and judging by what I heard from my food-friends around the restaurant floor, it’ll be a relatively quiet month. I mean, my brothers and I have prepared ourselves for the daily buka puasa rush, but at least we’ll have the daytime to relax and catch up on things. Mee Sup over there told me she plans to sleep all day,” he said, pointing towards the noodle dish resting by the stove.

“Personally, I’m looking forward to finishing the three Dan Brown novels I just bought.”

NASI AYAM: Plans to catch up on some reading

A quick survey around the food court on the mall’s 3rd floor revealed an equally excited mood. The Chicken and Beef Teppanyaki Combo Meal said that he had been looking forward to the fasting month for a long time.

“Everyone’s been working very hard all year round,” said the sizzling dish, as a hungry shopper considers him while scanning through the colourful menu. “Malaysians are a hard-eating lot. From sunrise till sunset, they eat like there’s no tomorrow. With all the choices of delicious and mouth-watering dishes available, I’m not surprised. I mean, look around you,” he asked, gesturing toward all the food stalls offering both local and international fare.

The sentiment is also shared by the drinks.

“It’s a well deserved rest, I must say,” quipped Ice Lemon Tea, as Iced Barley and the Fountain Fizzy Drinks nodded in agreement. “It has been utterly exhausting, being drunk 24-7. While it’s quite understandable, seeing how hot and humid the country is, the amount of drinks people consume per day still surprises me. It’s no wonder Klang Valley is facing the threat of a water crisis!” he joked, ice cubes swirling all over as he shook, laughing.

ICE LEMON TEA: Surprised by people's thirst

Meanwhile, the Ikan Masak Lemak Cili Api, a veteran amongst the dishes there, offered a cautionary view. “I would encourage all my food friends to enjoy the rest while we can,” she said solemnly. “While there will be fewer people eating during the day, and some of our workload will be undertaken by the seasonal guys like Ketupat, Lemang and Rendang, all of us must not forget that we’ll have to gear up for the Big Push,” she remarked, referring to the foodfest people affectionately call Hari Raya Aidilfitri. “From experience, I can say that those people who have somehow managed to refrain from eating a lot for a whole month, will be stuffing their mouths like starving war refugees for the next month.”

—

Again, the disclaimer: Obviously, this story isn’t true, and has nothing to do with anyone, dead or alive. Unless, of course, your food talks to you.

JAKARTA — Indonesian David Gurnani, 25, who last week took home US$100,000 and a car after shedding more than half his bodyweight, from 157kg to merely 74kg, in the first Asian version of popular weight-loss reality show Biggest Loser, has completely disappeared from the face of the planet after continuing with his diet and workout routine, finally losing the other half.

ULTIMATE LOSER ASIA: David Gurnani before the show, at the finale and now

Speaking from his family home, Gurnani’s weightless spirit said that winning the show inspired him to continue his maniacal quest to lose weight, which he started at the beginning on the show late last year.

“Winning the show was initially my goal,” said Gurnani, warmly referred to as ‘King David’ on the show, as his invisible aura floated above the sofa in the living room. “But after losing so much of my body weight and fat right before the finale, I discovered a new, more confident me. The 100 grand wasn’t the point anymore, nor was the car. The point was the weight loss. I realised I could shed as much weight as I wanted, and it was then that I wanted to go all the way.

Reducing his already spartan daily intake of water, air and one raisin, Gurnani decided to cut the water and raisin, after learning each raisin had 2 calories and water retention could impair his weight loss plans.

“In the beginning, it was hard,” Gurnani admitted. “After my weight dropped to 5kg, I could not even lift what was left of my finger. I could feel the weight of my bones and skin holding me down.

“But after thinking about my ultimate goal, which is to be weight-free, I somehow garnered this amazing strength to move about and continue with my routine,” he said, adding that the largest organ on a human body was the skin, and for him, most problematic to shed.

“Having achieved zero-fat and zero-muscle mass content, I was left with my skin, whose weight I thought would be impossible to lose,” said the now ethereal being softly, as he struggled to keep steady what with the ceiling fan being on at half speed. “However, I discovered an ingenius way to shed it — by baking myself in the hot sun. After a full day, my skin became so flaky and dusty, it literally broke apart and fell off!” said Gurnani gleefully, his laughter freakishly echoing around the room.

“And then there was my skeleton,” he continued, voice cracking. “I thought, now, if I were to wait until my skeleton vanishes, it would take forever. I couldn’t wait that long — I mean, look at the ice man remains and the Egyptian mummies!

“So I was left with two choices: either I self destruct by cremating whatever’s left of my body, or I eat myself into oblivion. Seeing that cremating still leaves ashes behind, which still weighs a few grammes, I decided on the latter.

“After consuming my own bones from my toes to the very tip of my skull, I finally became absolutely nothing. I am now zero weight.”

Asked how life has changed after achieving his ultimate goal, Gurnani said that he has now transcended into a whole new level of being.

“I have no physical limits, really. Having removed physicality from the equation, I am pure energy. A zero-fat, zero-weight energy. If light had weight, I wouldn’t have a problem either, as I am now also completely invisible,” he explained, soaring across the room freely.

“Having realised my ultimate dream, I feel no more pressure. I have absolutely nothing more to lose. I feel as if this burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

“That is, if I had shoulders,” he ended the interview, laughing happily.

SPECIAL REPORT

The build, gaze and intensity were similar. The voice was familiar, somewhat. But the pout was unmistakable.

For years, many have felt a certain tingling of déjà vu when they came across Batman, the ‘dark knight’ of Gotham City, and John Connor, saviour of the human race in the future-world fight against the machines, the Terminators. People were suspicious, but no one could ever prove the possibility — that the two heroes are one and the same!

In this explosive report, an expert gives the evidences that ask, ‘Is the saviour of Gotham and the future the same person?…’

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GOTHAM CITY & FUTURE EARTH — Batman may be a superhero, a mortal man projecting an immortal and fearsome image in his fight against the scum in a sick metropolis. He may be some dark angel bringing salvation to the weak and the wronged. But, any psychologist would tell you, he is also a man leading a double life.

Now, an expert says that he seems to be a man who leads a triple life.

For he is Batman, the caped crusader, the dark knight. He is also an ordinary man with no superheroic powers. He is, so far, nameless (there had been allegations that he is Bruce Wayne, the billionaire playboy and philantropist, but this, we believe is utter rubbish due to the lack of any similar traits and physical resemblence). Recently, some quarters seem to have presented ‘irrefutable evidence’ that say he is also John Connor, the future messiah who would lead a human uprising against the self-aware AI Skynet and its band of terminator machines. An expert gives his take.

Physical similarities

Batman and John Connor (file pictures)

“The most stark similarity would be the angry scowl, resulting in the perpetual frown accentuated in the area between the eyebrows,” said Prof. Edward Langley, chief face recognition expert at PKF Technologies, the supplier of automated face recognition systems for security purposes at the last Olympics. “The lines pronounced in the bottom half of Batman’s forehead is also visible on John Connor’s forehead. It’s unmistakable.”

As these two file photos above show, even at first glance, the similarities begin to emerge.

The similarity does not end there. “If one studies Batman’s nose structure, he would find that the size, angle, elevation and how the groove blends effortlessly into the slightly-protruding top lip that makes the caped crusader’s mouth seem pouty, also very much evident in John Connor’s face,” said Prof Langley, who also runs a private investigations agency. “And that’s not even going into his cold, steely gaze yet.

“Absolutely similar. I’ll bet my bottom dollar that they’re the same guy. John Connor moonlights as a caped crusader, or vise versa.”

“Adding to the physical similarities would be the dark knight’s throaty, but whispery voice… almost a hissy but scary tone,” added Langley. “John Connor displayed — or will display, since he’s a man from a distant future — the same voice while battling the T-1000 cybernetic killers. They — no, he — couldn’t mask that.”

How?

Professor Langley said that while it seems improbable that a crime fighter from the Gotham City of the present day could also be kicking robot butt two decades in the future without looking a day older, the technology exists.

“I won’t pretend to know what or where the technology could be,” said Langley. “But there have been a few cases of inter-era or inter-reality travel before. How else could you explain the white wizard Gandalf frolicking in a maroon helmet fighting the X-Men? It’s the same case of same-guy, different roles. It’s mind-blowing.

“But looking at it logically, it’s already easy to deduce that it’s the same fellow suiting up in a bat costume, and crushing terminator skulls. You never see them together. No alibi. Now that, people, is proof enough.”

Why?

“Frankly I don’t know. Only psychologists would be able to explain why a hero from one era would want to travel to another to again, save humanity,” said Langley. “Maybe Batman/Connor feels like the responsibility to save the world and be a hero is his solely.