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Celebrity sex clinic

A crease-faced, middle-aged man burying a possibly small appendage under a fluoro, nu-rave get-up - what's that all about, then? Why, it's Timmy Mallett, star of the 1980s kids' television show Wacaday, having an exceptionally public midlife crisis. Rather than buying a sports car and having an affair with a younger woman, the fiftysomething hipster Mallett sticks on the gramophone and listens to Klaxons. Not for Timmy the celebrity graveyard of bingo-hall openings and personal appearances at the local Ritzy. No way, dude! This nu-ravester is hitting middle age on the bonce with a rather large foam mallet. But didn't we cringe behind our cushions when the mad-as-a-wasp japester sidled up to Mike Myers at the premiere of Shrek the Third, acting like the daft, embarrassing uncle at a wedding. Oh dear, what would Freud say? Now, where's that mallet? No, not the foam one; the real one...