Hey guys! Did you know we’re currently in finals season? Yep. That’s why you’re camping out on the internet and refreshing AnonCon every ten minutes. That’s why you can’t find a seat in public ANYWHERE, and that’s also why you’re sleeping and DGAFing more than ever before. And that’s also the reason you’re getting texts from that random guy you hooked up with like, seven weeks ago. Which brings us to our point: we’re all supposed to be drafting finals papers and studying for our exams, so why is it that all we can think about is sex? ALL THE TIME. EVERYWHERE. EVERY WHICH WAY. ANY TIME. ANY DAY. ANY PLACE.

We all use the same reasons every semester. We’re bored, we’re stressed and want to blow off some steam, we’re so antsy and just need to release some energy, the list goes on. Here at the Clog, however, we have some different (and obviously more scientifically supported) theories about why we’re so horned up.*

Since we’re having so much sex with junk food, we want to have just as much sex with humans too.

Don’t even pretend like you don’t stuff your face all throughout dead week. Ten bucks says you’re gorging on a dozen donuts as you’re reading this. One thing surely accompanies stress and that’s food. We’ve all been reduced to smuggling candy into the stacks, going to Chipotle like every day and having Bongo Burger on your speed dial. You’d think all of this food would make us feel really unsexy, but it has the opposite effect. We’re putting so much food inside our bodies, we suddenly have the desire to put other things in our body too (sorry, that joke was a low blow [sorry about that one too]). But hey! We’re ingesting so many calories, so we have to burn them somewhere, right?

Academics are secretly really sexy.

Ohhhhh yeahhhhhh. There’s nothing steamier than a Bio problem set or writing a final paper on Moby Dick. Over the course of the semester, we get all of out material in small doses, so we hardly notice the tingling sensation we get when we flip through anthropological readers or psychology textbooks. However, we’re powerless when it hits us all at once and at that point, it’s too much to handle. Suddenly we’re getting all these feelings we don’t understand and don’t know how to cope with. We want to get our anatomy coloring books into the hot tub … naked. We can’t have sex with our study guides, so the only answer is to unleash on the closest prospective human specimen.

We all crawl out of the hole in our beds during dead week and eventually make a public appearance, right?! Maybe there’s just someone who’s really horny and really contagious. We’ve all caught the sex fever because this person goes everywhere, and it just spreads like wildfire. Move over H1N1, there’s a new sexual disease in town, and it’s not itchy or gross in the way you’re thinking it is. Hey, maybe we can’t prove it’s real, but you can’t prove it’s not. So take that.

We’re all pretending to be horny just so we can fit in.

Everyone just wants to belong. So when we hear that the latest trend is to be horny during finals week, we all just on the bandwagon. “Oh, yeah I’m so horny too. I think about sex more than I eat sleep breathe etc.” It’s a natural tendency. Unless you’re a hipster. Then you’re just going against the grain. “Man, I’m so asexual this week. I didn’t even cuddle with my Urban Outfitters teddy bear last night because I couldn’t stand the thought of doing anything remotely sexual. Libidos are way too mainstream for me.” Well, don’t listen to those hipsters and don’t listen to everyone else! You don’t have to be horny! Just be yourself! Cuddle with some pizza!

We don’t have time for retail therapy, so this is the next best thing.

Who has time for a shopping trip right now anyway?! It’s way easier just to find some random person and have at it, and still procrastinate in the process. Plus, when it comes to sex versus shopping, you don’t have to worry quite as much about “fit,” if you catch our drift. Listen though, you still have time for shopping, we promise. Just go online from the comforts of your own bed cave and you can buy anything you want! Steer clear of Craigslist casual encounters and aim straight for Amazon! BULLSEYE.

They’re pumping the libraries with pheromones.

There has to be a reason why everyone wants to have sex in the stacks. The reality is, the university wants a very sexually explorative student body. We’re all just guinea pigs for this big government experiment that would make the opposing side too horny to fight in battle. Okay, maybe that’s a little too much on the paranoid homeless man side of things. But come on! What makes a library so sexy anyway? Everyone’s wearing baggy sweaters, it’s usually pretty silent (which means no wild and loud orgasms), and all the old musty books would totally be watching and judging you. There has to be a reason we’re so sexed up. Pheromone vents.

So there you have it. Six totally scientific and not at all bogus theories about where sex drives REALLY come from. Forget what you’ve heard about the biological need to have sex and reproduce. That’s a load of bullshit that’s not supporting by any evidence whatsoever. These are cold hard facts. This is reality. So now you can finish your dead week and brave finals week with all of these facts in mind, and really consider why you want to bang that library student in a slouchy Cal sweater. Not everything is what it seems.

Source for all arguments and allegations: Science.

*Note to reader: the contents of this article are not meant to be taken seriously. Please kick back and have a few chuckles whilst you dodge your finals.