My battle with shame and what I’m doing about it

Perhaps you are thinking, “Why another blog John?” What could possibly compel you to recreate something that you have had in place for a while now? What’s the purpose of this and why should I even bother to check it out?

Each of these questions are worthy of an answer and I will do my best to give you the reader’s digest version of it. Packaged in a single sentence, the answer is simple……

“I am tired of being held captive by shame and refuse to be bound by it any longer”

I’ve fought many battles in my lifetime. The amount of challenges that I’ve faced in my life is almost unbelievable. I’d sit and share each of them with you one by one. However, I’m not about to put you through that kind of torture. What I will tell you is that I have, miraculously, emerged from each challenge stronger, more aware, and more inclined to experience life to the fullest.

However, there has been this battle with shame…….

It’s been a continual battle, and it’s been a beast to fight off. Just when I think I’ve conquered it, it resurfaces from the grave. At times, I feel like I’m battling an army of zombies that have come back from the dead. But the reality is that it’s a one-beast army, and this army doesn’t die off so easily.

I’ve battled with shame since I was a little child. Somehow my mind created a story that I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough, and I was unwanted. Perhaps it was not being able to meet up to my father’s standards of performance on our family farm. Maybe it’s because I was hurt and abused by a number of adults that my family considered to be friends. Maybe it stemmed from being awkward and nonathletic. Whatever the root was, I wasn’t comfortable being me. Many times, I looked in the mirror and instantly became unhappy with what I saw. Why couldn’t I be someone else? Why couldn’t I have a more normal life? Why did I have to experience so much pain…. I’ve had so many questions and unfortunately very few of them have been answered.

I thought that I would grow out of this feeling of shame. However, shame, if not addressed, tends to have a snowball effect. It grows and grows until there is an avalanche.

Shame is an enemy that you can’t ignore.

In 2010, I made a move from Las Cruces, NM to Phoenix, AZ. The move was a bittersweet one. At the time, I was an associate pastor of a church. I had just graduated with my bachelor degree at New Mexico State University and was looking forward to graduate school. I absolutely loved the congregation that I was a part of. However, I managed to ruffle some bureaucratic feathers during my pursuit of education and instead of giving in to an unrealistic expectation, I elected to resign. The situation left me feeling hurt, betrayed, and confused. Instead of praying about it, I chose to walk away from the situation and pursue a career in the corporate world instead. For a moment, all was well, but after a while, shame began to knock on the door of my heart again.

My ministry debacle attached itself to my growing list of personal disappointments and things that I didn’t like about myself. My inability to fix things at home, the way that people constantly questioned my masculinity, my inability to provide for my family the way that I wanted to, my failure to navigate being a step-parent during teen years, my inability for my wife and I to conceive our own children… I could go on and on for days with never putting a dent in the list that that lay before me.

I wish I could tell you that my transition to working in the corporate world was all I dreamed it to be. Unfortunately, I had my share of setbacks there too. I earned an MBA hoping to transition into a career in human resources. However, that never actualized. I then studied life coaching with the hope of becoming an entrepreneur. That never happened either. Once again shame sat in and regret came along with it.

My coping skills were a joke. I became a recluse and developed bad habits. I became self-destructive, spiteful, and miserable. I wasn’t the kind of person that you would want to be around. It’s only by the grace of God that my wife has remained by my side through this mess. Tired of going through the same cycle, time after time, I recruited the help of counselor. I also entrusted a few close friends to walk with me through this process. Finally, after years of struggling, I became determined to work through my baggage and develop the strength that I needed to become the man that I was created to be and desire to be.

This past year, my friend, Derek Drake, who is a vocalist and musician, posted a clip of one of his original songs on Instagram. Within seconds of clicking play, I knew that it was nothing less than a divine appointment. There’s a line in the song that says, “I hide from your face, like my sin stops your love.” That simple melodic line reminded me of a simple gospel truth that I had somehow lost grip of……

Truth Nugget: No amount of shame, or feeling of inadequacy, can keep God’s love away from me. His love will always come through.

Powerful! Right? However, it was the song’s chorus that showed me what do with my shame……

Get rid of the shame

That’s not your name anymore

Free of the pain

My plan was always to restore

So here it goes, I’m tired of pretending of being someone that I’m not. In the past, I’ve hidden myself behind titles such as “A Thriving Mindset” and “Unleashed Lion,” to hide my “real-self” from others. In my mind, I thought that hiding behind a brand or slogan would take away from the pain found in being John Garay. For some reason, I felt like I was protecting others too. I thought that a brand would keep people from seeing a man who was ashamed, broken, and tired of running from God. Instead, it added to the baggage and weight that I was carrying in my heart. So, from now on, I am choosing to embrace who I am, I am undeniably flawed. I’m far from perfect and at times down-right hideous. Yet, I am completely loved by my creator. I am loved by the one who gave his life for me. I am loved by Jesus….. and I’m choosing to build my identity on who and what He says I am, instead of who and what my thoughts tell me I am.

I am loved. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. My life has meaning. My life has purpose. I am not a mistake. I am not my past. My best days are yet to come. God is not finished with me. He has my heart and I belong to him.

From this point on get ready to hear from a sinner, saved by grace, whose heart’s desire is to share stories of hope, healing, and encouragement to everyone that he encounters.

John Eli has spent over 15 years mentoring and coaching individuals in life skills, career transitions, and through organizational change. He has worked in behavioral health, pastoral care, and higher-education. He has found that he is most satisfied in life when he is helping people recognize their potential and assisting them to reach their goals.

He currently lives in Chandler, Arizona with his wife, mini-schnauzer and an antique piano whom he calls, “Betty.”

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40 Comments

Beautifully written. Being real and honest about who you are and living out loud, no matter how flawed or if others approve, is a message I heard from you in a phone conversation we once had. It has driven me to do so many brave things. It’s nice to read you are just gonna be you. You is great!
PS I’m so freaking close to graduation. I just have to finish the year! My girls are by my side and life is so good. God is good and He is faithful!!!

Thank you brother John for sharing your story. I too, have struggled with shame and all the destructive patterns which walk hand and hand with the bondage we remain in….. these past few years as I have walked with the Lord he blessed me with you and Yvonne as well as many others who have always shown me Christ love, an unconditional love I never really understood existed….. WOW… as I read your story my heart is calling out “praise God.” His story resonates with me and how many others are struggling with shame and truly do not know the glory of God and how he restores us….
Again, thank you and I’m truly honored to know you and Yvonne! I can’t wait to see how much more Christ uses you as his vessel in such a broken world.
Much love
Gigi

I just read your article and it touched a place in my heart…that needs healing. Do you think Christians have a harder time dealing with this pain, shame, worry, anxiety…because we know our Lord wants what is better for us? I think so. I feel like my family connects with yours as we had our share of moves…maybe searching for something better? That is how its been for us. I know personally, I have had things that have happened in my past that keep from feeling without shane and guilt. I hope to learn from your story, your transparency, your life…how to change .
God bless you

Lisa, Thank you for taking the time to view my blog. You ask a great question. In my personal experience my shame has been with the community of Christ rather than with Jesus himself. I realize that I have a tendency to make an idol out of the approval of others. I’ve been working on reminding myself to seek His approval above the approval of anyone else.

Rarely do I choose a theme verse for the year but this year these keep coming up: therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, for Christ is made perfect in our weakness.
And the man asking Jesus to heal his son, “I want to believe, help me with my unbelief.”
My health is in a bad spot and it keeps me from living up to my own expectations.
Gods perfection must be a lot different than our definition.
So I’m working on trusting God with whatever that is and being kind to myself in the process.
Brave words, John. Bravo!

John, I have known you for about 23 years and I am so thankful to call you one of my few closest friens I have. I have watched God’s perfect work in your life. What you wrote is nothing short of the personal upfront view of the caring and gracious Father loving you. Please keep sharing, because we are hungry for what is true and real.
Your Friend and Brother in Christ,
Rodney,

Hey John,
Jesus absolves us of all. If we have shame is nothing more than self inflicted guilt, directed upon us by the enemy.
James 4:7
Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.
Be free! God Bless,
Kip

You’re being very open and genuine, and that’s hard to find in our world today. I have struggled with shame for the first half of my life, and I’m sure Satan would love to take me down that lane again. God bless you, and keep writing.

You have a beautiful, honest blog. Facing ourselves and confronting our shame and fears isn’t weakness. It’s about knowing and accepting we have our srength from a great God and the battles isnt entirely ours. Thank you for the follow.