I felt scared and out of control after having my second baby

Everything was going so well. Baby Louis was getting easier, his reflux was improving and Poppy was being such a good big sister….she really is a mini-Mum. However, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was under a bit of a cloud. Not quite a black one but definitely dark grey. I didn’t really want to get out of bed in the mornings and I was starting to dread being alone with the children. I kept these feelings to myself. Surely it was just a typical case of the January blues?

Then I had a particularly tough afternoon. Louis had been screaming almost non-stop for four hours and nothing was calming him down and Poppy was being really demanding. (She gets very upset when Louis cries). As for me, I had a splitting headache and was exhausted.

Suddenly, out of the blue I was hit by a panic attack and it really scared me. The minute my husband came home I ran upstairs and hid in our bedroom. What was wrong with me? Where was my energy? Why did I feel so damn down? Where had that panic attack come from? I was scared and felt out of control.

When the kids were in bed, my husband and I chatted and we came to the conclusion that I probably had postnatal depression (PND). A bit of research showed that it can hit at any time in the first year. I was five months in which is a time when a lot of women suffer with it.

I saw my GP the next day and talked things through. If I did have PND I wanted to sort it as soon as possible. We chatted through how I had been feeling both physically and mentally and amongst other things, I was booked in for some blood tests.

A few days later I received a call that left me feeling very relieved. The Dr thought that she had got to the bottom of what I was going through. My results had shown that my thyroid was under active which can happen after pregnancy. An under-active thyroid can leave you feeling down and lethargic. I was instantly put on medication to correct it.

It takes six-eight weeks for the medication to really kick in but just knowing what is wrong has helped so much. I’m so glad I went the Dr and got to the bottom of things.

I wanted to write this for all fellow Mums who are experiencing similar symptoms. It may be a simple case of the baby blues, it may be PND or like me it could be that pregnancy has affected your thyroid.

Whatever it is though, please don’t ignore your feelings. They are nothing to be ashamed of and you need to be open with your partner/family and get yourself to the Dr who will be able to help you to deal with your symptoms.

Don’t suffer in silence. Having babies can do extreme things to our bodies as well as our minds and if you’re at all concerned, reach out and get help.

See signs of postnatal depression:

And celeb mums talk postnatal depression:

Gwyneth Paltrow

"I felt like a zombie. I couldn't access my heart. I couldn't access my emotions. I couldn't connect. It was terrible. It was the exact opposite of what had happened when Apple was born. . . . I couldn't believe it wasn't the same. I just thought it meant I was a terrible mother and a terrible person."

Courtney Cox

"I went through a really hard time—not right after the baby, but when [Coco] turned 6 months. I couldn't sleep. My heart was racing. And I got really depressed. I went to the doctor and found out my hormones had been pummelled."

Alanis Morissette

Speaking about the period after her first child was born, Alanis said: "It was just a really intense time, and if I could share anything with anyone who’s going through it, it would be to encourage them to seek help and reach out a little earlier than I did.”

Hayden Panettiere

“If you think for one second that a mother wants to feel that way toward her child, you’re outta your mind. It is one of the most debilitating, scary, guilty feelings that you can ever feel. That a mother would not be able to connect with their child, would not be able to get a grip, or would not know what’s going on, for anybody to say that it’s false or created by us, you must have your head examined.”

Natasha Hamilton

‘I was so emotional and erratic, and I remember saying: 'Mum, I wish I was dead.’ I get quite emotional thinking back to that time. I remember I had that sick feeling in my stomach and my mum said: ‘Right, that’s not normal saying stuff like that,’ so she rushed me to the doctor. When they told me I had postnatal depression, it was the biggest relief to know I wasn’t going insane.’

Bryce Dallas Howard

“It is strange for me to recall what I was like at that time. I seemed to be suffering emotional amnesia. I couldn’t genuinely cry, or laugh, or be moved by anything. For the sake of those around me, including my son, I pretended, but when I began showering again in the second week, I let loose in the privacy of the bathroom, water flowing over me as I heaved uncontrollable sobs.”

Drew Barrymore

“I didn’t have postpartum the first time so I didn’t understand it because I was like, ‘I feel great!’ The second time, I was like, ‘Oh, whoa, I see what people talk about now. I understand.’ It’s a different type of overwhelming with the second. I really got under the cloud.”

Lena Heady

“I had postnatal depression, which I didn’t realise for a long time. I went a bit nuts and eventually went to a guy who mixes Western and Eastern philosophy in terms of medicine and he put me on a course of something that changed everything.”

Luisa Zissman

‘I didn’t understand why I wasn’t like all the other mums, in love with my new baby. While everyone else was bonding with their child, I wanted to walk out the door and never come back. I felt so ashamed. I felt so bad that I didn’t want to wake up in the mornings. I wanted to roll over and die. It’s such a deep low.’

Jennifer Lopez

‘I felt sad and depressed, and thought the babies didn’t love me.’

Katie Price

‘For me, it meant a terrible, angry feeling that’s hard to explain. It was like an awful knot in my stomach.’

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I felt very similar after having lo, and it turned out I was actually low in iron! So many different things can make us feel knackered, but so many of us just take it as normal for life with a new baby. Completely agree that you should trust your gut and see your GP if anything feels off.

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