I have made a promise to myself and I sure plan to hold it. Every day, during a day’s 24 hours , I commit myself to massage and give care to my feet. I will during these 24 hours during a day spend 15 minutes or 30 minutes or more caring for and massaging my feet with oils and massage. I have already been doing this close to a year already. And now I further commit myself to do it steady everyday as far as my natural environment allows me to do it.

If I am on a journey or a travel, I will have with me a bottle of oils to massage my feet. I also practice to walk more bare feeted on the ground all year and spend fewer hours in socks and shoes. It is simply good health. I will at the same time look out and make sure that I do not go completely obsessed with feet. I see that as a danger and a possibility.

I commit myself to give my feet more care and comfort and I commit myself to give my feet more massages and not let a day pass me by without massaging and tending my feet.

The reason I want to massage my feat is simple. The body have points and places under the feet that reflects and connection spots to the rest of the body. Brain, lungs, liver etc, within my body is connected and reflected under my feet. It is all connected on the down side of our body, under our feet. This knowledge and mannerism is being taken more and more into western medicine.

And these areas need attention every now and then. It is a ancient Chinese/Asian tradition to give massage to feet and the knowledge of the “points” under ones feet getting more and more accepted within common western, medical mannerism.

To provide care for oneness own feet, should be a absolute rule for everyone every day, and it should be thought in school how to do it, because it prevents disease and infections to practice it. It is good health.

When I massage my toes and the underneath areas of my feet, I take away pressure, points of hurt, and I stimulate to circulation within that specific area within both below (feet) and above (body) from my feet and also in the same within a reflection, the placed on my body that is connected to this area that is given relief and further blood circulation. And healing. By massaging my feet I – everyday relief them from the pain that have been stored up through the years and days of pressure, damage or physical hurt/voice tonality. I give my body attention, and I make the blood stream flowing through that specific area, at both parts of my body within the reflection and connection from beneath my feet. My body is given a relief from pressure and circulation and blood stream runs through that specific area on my body.

I recommend for anyone to read and study this drawing I have here posted and to really sit down, without clothes and listen to your body. Give yourself a foot massage. If you can give yourself foot massages you are showing yourself love and care. It is recommended to learn to listen to your body and to learn to massage your own body every day.

Do what is common sense and listen to your body and massage your feet. It is healthy, good mannerism and a huge relief for your immune system. It might save you a medical bill.

The big state run hospitals are being voted out. Step by step they are closing down departments and units. What we see is a more human and all overall, better offer to the former patient, the student or the person with need of a shelter and that what is provided through a ordinary home and a house.

There are huge changes coming within psychiatry the coming years. Eventually the whole psychiatry industry, will stop to exist. Psychiatry have for the 100 years it’s been existing, been almost nothing but abusive, violent and wrong, and it will therefore need to be stopped and ended. Totally. That does not mean that mental suffering and psychosis or other types of suffering will end that fast. But we need new solutions to these challenges. New solutions like Soteria House represents. Soteria Houses, are government founded houses that are for the service of people that end up with psychosis illness, homelessness and other types of struggles. People that need to find peace and stability within their lives. It is a recovery kind of treatment, with little or no drug use at all. It is a more complete recovery based approach to the treatment.

When people are given a living income that will support them with housing, healthcare, and education, food, the lives of these people will improve. They can afford to have therapy, the school, or the good quality food that they like, and the computer with internet and books to read, and things that improve oneness life. A safe roof over the head. Health care. They can by the stuff that they need to have good quality life. Maybe finish school, start a program for drug freedom, take cooking classes, or language classes to learn new skills, job training, and become better equipped within the life that they give themselves through the safe platform of having a living income guaranteed.

There are other types of houses, and it is mostly up to the founder to create their own variety. Their own design. Like Earth House in New Jersey, USA, and Runaway House in Berlin. There is also Fountain House but that is not a place to live and have home. Fountain house is more and daycare center, and job training.

The idea with these houses and services is that the person can stay there for 5,6,7 etc, months and learn to manage self, life and challenges. It is not a permanent home in that matter, but rather a temporary home, to gain strength to learn self help and to get some cool routines in oneness life.

And that there is the typical trend that we see in total. The possibility of having home within a shelter that is complete with services and facilities to support the best possible life for the person or the people that live there.

There is a point to consider and take note of. The daycare centers, and houses like Fountain houses are to a far degree existing today in the western part of the world. But these day care centers and facilities does not have own private room and sleeping, and there is no possibilities to have a real home within this houses. Now that is something that is provided by Soteria House, and Earth house, and Runaway house. And these houses are the future. They are and represent, what is best for all within the dying field of psychiatry now recovery. Step by step. They save society lots of money with being there, providing shelters. Lots of money saved from the peoples, not doing crime or ending up with substance abuse or violence and addiction dramas.

All ready today we see that in where I live near the oil capital of Norway, Stavanger and Rogaland there is a need for these homes, and shelters to provide people a home. Stability and safety. There is no such offer in this region of Norway today. I think it will come given the next 4-5 years. A Runaway house, or a Soteria house or a Earth house. Or a combination or a own design of a house like that.

Still we see that these people are given a place in these houses are not given enough respect or rights at all. First of all they do not have enough money to manage they lives and economy become a emotional heavy burden. In fact economy becomes the factor that drives people into insanity and drama, and desperation and eventually cost society lots and lots more than if we had a means tested income to everyone.

People are in general desperate to have more and more and more money. And this desperation causes crime and abuse, is costing us lots within the society. All sorts of crime is rooted here. Prostitution, corruption and drugs and all sorts that will be more easy to deal with when everyone is provide for. They key word here is transparency. And it is not that hard to calculate how much we in fact need. It is easy to say that “Champagne is luxury, a own private boat, jewelry, and holidays is luxury” – and there for not at all needed.

If people who have low income where given a living income guaranteed then the final prize of it all would be lower. If everyone where give enough money to life their lives then we would see more creativity and more honest sharing and love and life amongst us. So with Soteria houses and earth houses and Runaway houses are very good and cool solutions we see that the basic need of the people within these shelters are not fully met. The people that live in these houses are not given enough or proper pay for being alive and contributing in society.

Everyone must be given a decent sum of money to live decent lives. It is not luxury that we are asking. It is down to earth needs and services. Decent lives that is not being provided today.

Soteria house, Runaway house, and Earth house is the future. And the old psychiatry is leaving out the door. But we must remember that there are people in these houses that needs money. They need money like everyone else. And they must be give money like everyone else. Even though, and since they might be unable to work.

Investigate living income guaranteed and the solution to end world poverty.

The phenomenon of rape in psychiatry is a huge and serious topic. Rape is a serious and hard topic everywhere in society. I personally have known several people and listened to testimonies of people that have been raped or abused within the walls of psychiatry. There is lots of this that goes on and the dark numbers are huge.

The shame and humiliation of this taking place is simply beyond imagination.

This goes on everyday within psychiatry, and there is, I am sad to say no official list or documenting of this. At least not in Norway. This goes to show that psychiatry is due to change and finally stop existing. Why does psychiatry have to end ? Psychiatry have been abusive from when it started back in the 1900’s and it never managed to become human or supportive. It have not managed to become what it was supposed to be healing, caring and supportive. Today we see people being addicted to their chemical therapies with huge disabilities and early deaths, suicide and murder as result. It cannot go on. It is domed to end.

But let’s deal with the problem that it is here. First of all rape within psychiatry needs to be properly documented. Today there is (in Norway) no official recording of these crimes other then what is reported (not always) to the police and the hospitals own files. There must be a third part that keeps a record over what violations that take place within hospital walls.

When we create these new user run facilities, we are not guaranteed to avoid rape in total. But the premises for rape is not the same. The control or power principle that the patient is totally in the hands of the nurse or doctor – kind of thinking will not be there. The patient tied up in belts will not be there. And the girl or boy will have access to looking the doors to his or hers room, and with a living income guaranteed everyone will be cared for with access to phone or internet, to report abuse or happenings that is not cool.

And if we create a documenting center for what is going on today, we can prevent it from happening again, and we can prevent it from happening as long as we still have these old huge hospitals. Running nothing but chemical therapy.

This ‘record documenting central’ could the serve as a source for research and education, investigation and statistics, to prevent it from reoccurring. The bigger picture is that more and more hospitals are being privatized and going over to being run on so-called alternative terms. We see a slow start of this these days, that nonprofit organizations run shelters and care homes. And this we need more of. Non government non – profit organizations run user run shelters and user homes. Drug-free treatments and treatments with other types of therapies the old standard of chemical therapy and more movement of freedom other than locking folks into huge hospital units.

If you are interested in what goes on within progressive or alternative psychiatry you should learn words like “Soteria house ” “Earth house” – “user participation” – “open dialog”, “recovery” and really investigate what goes, and what have been going on in psychiatry the last 100 years. Check out links below. You should learn about patients being behind closed doors with the usage of chemical therapy, ECT, the lobotomy, testing on humans, humiliation and abuse, everyday. The abuse and the humiliation of doctors, hospitals and the mental health industry is huge and insane.

There is a long lists of names that contribute and carry with them the end and change of psychiatry. It is time for changing and it is time for changing for what is best for all. All these new solutions within the recovery model is in fact a huge nail in the coffin to old state run, abusive, psychiatry. The old psychiatry is abusive and it have always been abusive and wrong. The dark numbers and the dirty secrets are immense and there is lots of untold stories. Abuse and violations, human testing, side effects, physical handicaps, death, suicide, the list goes on.

People are being violated every day in the old huge state run departments. Rape is not unusual. It is time we start aligning ourselves to the rhythm of what is best for all and common sense. Rape and violation and chemical therapy is not what is best for all and they are not common sense at all. It has to stop. They are on the leaving train. The big key here is to provide everyone with a basic income. With a basic income I mean a Living Income guaranteed, (http://livingincome.me/) For people to stay and pay for their stay in user run / nonprofit non government organization run shelters, shelters and self run houses. This is a growing trend that is going on in the western parts of the world within psychiatry. When people are given enough money to pay for themselves at a house and a home they can have a decent life living without threatening and sexual violating doctors and nurses.

With living income guaranteed everyone will have enough money to live healthy lives where they are. Poverty leads to psychiatric illness. It is proven. With a living income guaranteed abuse will more easily be detected and stopped. One can receive help for what is taking place. The abuse must end. Lets walk, for what is best for all.

I realize that there could be more that one starting points here within my secret mind, and I realize that within my past there is still lots that I could imagine to blame myself for to this day. I realize and think to myself that I have to start in a corner sort of and work my way out the door with self – forgiveness. Being in school and taking on words in school. Word from bullying and from my own fantasy – trying to cope with the other pupils and the teachings. Coping with stress. I feel sure and I will paint my way out for all to see and stop the circle of blame and self judging, so within so without.

I realize that I do not clearly see it when this self judging occurs. I do not see it clearly when it come to me with its judging, and I realize that I need clear signs to tell myself that wake up it is happening now, you are judging yourself. Boom! I could start to indentifying it by listening for the words that are in front of me. When I hear the word “dork” – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I will forgive myself for my relation to this word, that carried it or that emotions that was attached to it and remove the judging from this words dork. – That I just now heard. Like a example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on this word “dork” – where I would call myself this word where I would be thinking “dork is not that bad word I can be “dork”, failing to realize that being a dork is something that for sure no one really wants to be because it is a character of being silly or stupid and none wants to be that. – Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I could store away this word and hide within it and hide and myself within this word and simply take on the judging.

When and as I see myself taking on words like dork, silly, retard, fool, stupid, or any other word that I would take onto myself within self judging, I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I take on these words I am judging myself within them, and thinking lesser of myself. I realize that when I take on these words I am judging myself and making life hard to myself. I realize that when I take on these into my comfort zone I grant my character of self judging the permition to judge and hurt me with judgment. I realize that one single word would be enough to open doors to self judgment and suffering.

I have this problem that I judge myself severely and I want to get to the core and to the bottom of this sabotaging game, and stop the judging and to prevent it from driving me insane with reactions and emotions.

I realize that I have to research for a starting point here. That would be the most natural part to do. I have done some research on self and I have found that one of my starting point here is being in school and in this environment when I was 4,5,6 and 7 year old, and I would start to take on just simply nasty words from bullying and from fantasy games where I would let these words like, “fool”, “retard”, or “dork”, “shit head”, become a part of who I am, just words that would eventually attract negative energies and more words to bring me down. The words would not be that “evil”, and they would seem light and mild, but there for they would also sneak into my comfort zone and make me accept them. Accepting more and move evil backchats and thoughts to become me.

Yes it is clear that I am responsible for my own choices and my own actions but I have been living my pre – programmed reality, it have all been specifically designed for me to do so. It is not until now, present, these days in 2014 – that I can say that I am aware of my own responsibilities. I can see the elements from my child hood, I can see myself lashing out onto myself from judging myself with words dating back at school and pre – school, that is causing me to have self-judgments. The fact that I accepted it when I was 4, 5,6 ,7 or 8 is still making consequence to me, to this day.

I realize that self – judgment is a very sneaky thing or character, because it feels so safe to judge on self like it goes right into my comfort zone. I realize that this self judging goes on unseen both because it is so huge and ground breaking and also it is so ordinary that we tend to include it with our so called normal behavior.

I realize that this type of self sabotaging is rooted deep within. Way, way back in my secret mind where I find my starting point with what is causing me to allow this self – judging to go on.

It have to stop and I have to clear out all the self judging from my path to be able to live my life, for what is best for all in equality and oneness.

I realize that this role of mine of judging myself is deeply rooted within my school environment, when I was a young boy. I would sit and try to work out my school work and I would be really agitated because I could then see myself taking on the words, “gay”, “freak”, “dork”, “looser”, “silly”, “stupid”, etc. I could then see myself being at this school and learning to hate myself learning to take on all these words that where in truth is really evil in their extent, because they are so “mild” – they sneak in everywhere.

I would make them a part of who I was and who I am today. I would take these words in to my comfort zone. Not that the words inn themselves alone is not that bad, but in its extent they were really nasty and evil but for that same reason I take them on to myself into my comfort zone.

I would think that the words that I was taking onto myself where no to bad and that they were not that wrong making this character of mine even more sneaky and even more freakish. Judging myself when I do not pay attention and bringing myself down with emotions and anger.

And the character of self judging is to this day just that. Sneaky and unpredictable. I realize that even when I would work with self forgiveness they sneak right past me and they maneuver through my mind unseen.

I also realize that there is a second story deeply interwoven here. The story of me having fever and nightmares starting with the flue. I was taking with me the words, the seemingly mild words from bullying and stress, from judging from being a child into being a teenager. The words where dragged like my nose was runny. They were dragged and hammered into me, like Jesus dragged his cross and was nailed to it. I ended up lying on the sofa when I was 10,11, or 12, years old. I had these extensive hallucinations with the young or at least tiny Anuaki visiting, me in my visions and fever fantasies. This was my first and very authentic or real meeting with Anuaki. I did not know his name then and I have not noticed that that was him, before now until these days.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I see myself today , looking back at being a young boy taking on all the nasty words from school, and from society where I would try to scream, and shout for help, where I would realize that I would have to take it like a man, and this backchats would roam through me during my child hood “take it like a man” where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself suffering being 4,5,6,7 years old and simply taking on more and more nasty words and accepting them, as the years pass by, as me realizing in that moment being 4,5,6,7 years old and thinking ” I best take it like a man”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed how I would see myself screaming out in pain during nightmares and in vain over painting my whole mind and body with these thoughts and nightmares, later making them into judgment, and because the words where not to “very bad” they would sneak into me with their voice tonality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself how I was suffering from fever and nightmares because of judging myself when I was 9,10,11 and 12 years old and I would lay on the couch and sweat and have nightmares and fever in pain over judging words and thoughts, suffering from taking on nastiness from school environment and from abuse going on in the world around me, and I would experience this fever as my pain where deeply manifested within my body and my mind and my thinking where I would judge myself because I made the a huge gate for the pain and the judgment to pass through me like broken glass smashed onto my body and with its words from when I was 4,5,6 and 7 and going to school and taking on stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back to these memories because I would fear that I would misguide myself because my character of self judging is a very sneaking one, and I see how sneaky and evil I was to myself when I grew up where it would feel like burning marks on my body to my experience, hating myself from a early age, taking on the words from bullying and from my fantasy. I would literally praise calling myself these evil words and by doing so accepting the judgment within these words. Making these words into my accept and my accepting zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would consider the relations of my school start and taking on words to be my more evil and my most vicious character, because the character of self judging is simply more sneaky from sneaking into my comfort zone with words like “dork” or “silly” and words that seam harmless, but create hell within, at the same time it founds and builds up, other phenomena’s and other mind constructs and other characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I started to take on names from bullying and from my fantasy where I would judge and blame myself into suppression and acceptance of these words, “thinking this is how life is”, “it is normal” that I would call myself like “gay” or “stupid” or “retard” and “silly” or “foolish” that I would call myself and I would cry and scream in aggression because I would let this foolish words grow into me and it would manifest with me like pain within my body. I would let my body manifest with pain and discomfort because of my acceptance of this judging words and these pranks that I would tell myself on everyday school basis from bullying and from my fantasy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I to this day take on myself words and pranks and words from bullying where I tell myself to accept and give into this bullying and nonsense really evil words from self judging where they would perhaps be cute or innocent words from start of and then later in my awareness the word would manifest onto me like pain and like cancer and they inn themselves would be the starting point and the reason for me to experience voices and it would be the reason for me to experience drama or experience hurt because I would accept and allow this into my comfort zone or being and I would take on more and more words of bullying and of pranks because It would be what my parents and society as a whole would tell me where natural or accepted and so I would think that It simply had to be like that. And I would fall back to the old backchat “Take it like a man”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my mother and my father how I would blame them for being responsible for me and for them allowing this to happen to me where I was just a young child, and I would be totally turning against them and hating them for putting me in school where I hear all these words that I would take onto myself serving myself aggression and hate against them when I was 12,or 13 or 16. Building up loads of aggressions and hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I let this aggression or irritation grow into self judgment over failing with my school work and where I would be so irritated and frustrated from school and stress, that I would not be able to make my assignments right and my school work would be ruined and I sabotaged my school in total.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this starting point of achievement that is the typical starting point of myself judgment where I would be starting to collect up energies to judge myself from this element of achievement and I would gather up lots of meta data to and points like, fear, aggression, memories, pictures, etc, that I would gather up in relation to this one starting point of achieving and working with school assignments at home making me angry because of the really impossible situation I was in growing older 14,15 and 16 years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of how I see my life being one big mistake where I spent 16 year with drugs and alcohol and literally ruining my life with it, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I would think that I have failed in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of how I see myself in relations to working with assignments today like with Desteni I process and I would think back at being in school and I would go into reactions because I would find it impossible to work with the assignments since I would judge myself from this starting point of not achieving anything within my work, and I would judge and lash out onto myself from being a failure and in doing so accepting myself as all those words and all that judging that I would take on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchats where I would participate like “My life have been waste” or “I am a complete failure” or ” My life is ruined from bad choices” sort of backchats that I would serve myself and I would blame myself and I would project this backchats over at a or b and as I would project this backchat over at them I would remove myself from the responsibility of having these backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to judge and blame the system thinking that the system could take it and doing so suppressing the fact that I am also judging myself because I am a part of the system and this judging is ending up on my physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed how my how my whole child hood from growing up where a huge ballet in pain and suffering and self judging over taking on words and backchats from a early age and growing into the systems of school and bullying and chores and literally nailing the nails to me like Jesus on the cross from judging myself all these years from having judgment sneaking in on me, into my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to Jesus and to think I where crucified like Jesus when I was a young boy from backchats, bullying and stress within so without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my particular memory of negative value of myself lying on a sofa and having fever and experiencing hallucinations and fever and seeing this reptile (Anu) in a desserts from within my mind and experiencing visions of drought and pain and suffering within my body and doing so taking with me the judging into my teenage years from childhood and further with me, and continue the mad insane ballet of suffering and judging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear search my mind for self judging because I would fear what I could find and I would think to myself “ah well” – it is within my comfort zone – who gives a fuck and simply ignore it.

When and as I see myself going back to my memories of being 4,5,6,7 or 8 year old school boy that is turning against his parents against school and everyone with hate and aggression. I stop and I breathe. I realize that my child hood could possibly not have been other vice because it was the way it was. I realize that I would take on lots of nasty words from school and from growing up. I realize that I was just this other child growing up in Norway where I where doing what was natural to me to do. I realize that school in itself is so fundamental wrong and sorry that It should be totally changed and what is best for all should be prioritized not like today and not like the governments of today are planning with the “core educations program” – which is simply sick and wrong. I realize that the school system must perhaps stop to exist and it must perhaps stop to be what it is almost totally. It is creating stress and disease. I realize that I carry guilt and aggression into my growing up and it have become my chronicle trade mark to have this voice or schizophrenic habit of listing to myself being 4,5,6 and 7 and going into fear from doing so. Feeling pain in my back. I realize that my life in school was 100% fucked up. I realize that home schooling is something that would be cool to consider in the future, I realize that we need to total change in economy the sooner the better. I realize that the sooner the change in economy can come we can have home schooling. I realize that home schooling could have saved me lots of tears, there for I would like to give home schooling to the generations to come through living income guarantee. I commit myself to be that change that the future generations deserve to be given. I commit myself to live for what is best for all, in all ways, I commit myself to not accept and to stop and to look out for the sneakiness within my character of self – judgment.

When and as I see myself accepting or allowing my character to place within me or my mind word like “dork”, “stupid” “looser” or other seemingly “mild” words, and I would place these things within me to sneak into myself all sorts of judging and blame. Unseen. I stop and I breathe. I realize that this character of mine that is judging me is already manifested within my body and my comfort zone because of my past years accepting and allowing words and thoughts that I am not worthy and that I am low an dirty etc. and I realize that I would be driving myself complete insane with my judging because it is such a huge part of me. And also that it is within my comfort zone. I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to have self judging inn many areas of my life also through self forgiveness. I commit myself to stop my character of self judging. I commit myself to delete the thoughts, the feelings and the emotions to be clear and to be free from judging and from judging myself.

I have already de – programmed myself to such an extent that my body tells me that enough is enough. My body tells me to stop, like it tell all of existence to stop and halt. I have walked steady and steadfast with desteni now for 2 years and some months. Because we need to heal all that we are and all that we live. Life on the planet is being abused totally. Nature, animals and children and being abused 24/7, to such an extent that it is hard to grasp. There for I have made it clear to myself that we need completely and fully stop with the, abuse of life that is lived by the millions of people on this earth. The abuse have to end. It mostly goes on unseen within suppression, but it is still there. My heart tells me this simple message: stop. And I breathe and I realize that I have a responsibility that I must live up to or make into reality for us all. And that is the equality recipe of give as you would like to receive and to love thy neighbor as yourself and all the “cool stuff” the love, or the values that we all know exist but we do not practice. I realize that I can be quite taken by this sort of realizations and I need to find myself on earth and to ground myself and to be here as myself living and breathing. Making each breathe count. Stabilizing myself.

I realize that I take on my character or being and pioneer and a explorer and a leader and a responsible person and I am ready to take responsibility for my life again. And so everyone as me. I realize that I must slow down with how I live my life. I realize that within sub – conscious or within the mind, I am considered by other to be a responsible person and a person that is full of recourses and I see this one detail within this picture and that is to slow myself down. I must slow myself down and be here, and breathing , and take charge of my life. Bring it back to myself. To gain more trust.

I commit myself to again investigate what are the detail the nity gritty stuff that is preventing me from living my life in more and more responsibility and with more and more honesty ? I must stop myself as I also stop the world to figure out what detail I then can say self forgiveness for. What is right in front of me that I tend to ignore or deny. What thoughts, backchats and what emotions, characters, comparing, desire, feelings, or what structure that need to indentify and work with. Through self forgiveness. That is how the camel can walk through the needle eye. With self forgiveness. That is just a equation, but that is means is to tell us that it is we as humans that need to walk through the eye of the needle – to face our responsibilities, because we are the ones responsible for all the mess on this earth. And we need to come clean.

So are you ready to take responsibility ? Are you ready to start walking with desteni ? To start de constructing the mind ? To start your journey ? Join us and discover yourself beyond.

Losing my mind to madness and having my alarm bell going of telling me not to go completely insane and remember to breathe and be here. Stabilize myself here as breathe and keep cool. I caught myself, staring out into the air and eventually going paranoid simply for staring at my plants. I am searching everyday I search for things within and without, to fill my blog with. And it is right there in front of my nose.

I realize that I was just now, sitting here, staring out into the air and going paranoid of not finding anything in particular to write. And I decided to write about just that: I have nothing to say. I lock myself down and start to suppress my impression and when that piles up, I suppress my reactions. Eventually going paranoid with emotions.

I will dedicate this blog to the idea that ” I have nothing to write about” – and to the paranoia that arises within me as I start to accumulate energies from the back of my mind to start series of thoughts. Staring the ferris wheel and squeezing out thoughts and backchats. I realize that I start to gather energies to start series of though from the starting point of simply finding nothingness and then going paranoid from doing that. There is nothing there, and neither am I. And Inn this moment I discover that I do not exist and doing so failing to realize that I exist twice as much or 100 times as much because I convince myself that I am nothingness.

Wow ! How is that possible ?

I stumble through my world and I come to imagine or experience myself as nothingness. How did that happen ? Well first I think it is vital to know that spiritually or should I say with mindful awakening that I have been going through the last 2 years and 3 months going drug free and from my participating with my desteni I process and my working everyday with self forgiveness. I go through changes – into awareness. And so it is to realize that through years of saying self forgiveness and correcting my path, I discover myself as nothingness. From steady and consistent work and participation and chores. With and through self – forgiveness. Nothingness is where we came from it is a natural part of us we have simply separated us from it for ages.

I face myself as nothingness within nothingness. What it means is that I am “facing nothingness” – I am providing myself with quite unlimited amounts of power or possibilities actually. I give myself lots of doors to open up. I give myself the chance in life to love. I grant myself the possibility to become a example of nothingness for others to follow to be the living change that we all have been waiting for. To save life and this earth from greed and human systems.

I go into nothingness and I start to realize that I have lots of power and I have lost or reasons to be and to live – instead of going paranoid and depressed with the amount of work that needs to be addressed in this world, from gathering up energies and hurt, to start series of thoughts or backchats and imaginations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as lucky for discovering this “entering nothingness” within myself as I create this polarity picture that I am helping others and being this Jesus character that is cool and loves everyone where I need to ground myself and come down to earth and be here as life. Still as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energies and starting to compare myself to being within nothingness and having second or paranoid experiences about entering nothingness as myself and I fail to realize and grasp that I am still here on this earth and how I should find more things to do within my life that makes sense and that is supportive, like swimming or football, drawing or making vlogs, hand massage and other types of cognitive training. And physical support.

When and as I see myself imagining myself of having this experience of being within nothingness and taking on a idea or meaning of nothingness. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am just barely lifting the canvas here to see what this really is. Or what it is not. And I realize that I am exploring this new territory and I will enjoy doing so and I use common sense solutions and to use what is best for all mannerism within exploring this experience of nothingness. I realize that nothingness is giving me lots of possibilities within my life and my world. I realize that my experience of being within nothingness have always been there from the beginning of time. I realize that nothingness is a natural part of me and that I should nurture it as best as I can. I commit myself to be here as breathing grounding myself on the planet or in my society and to be here as life and to be here as solutions, slowing myself down and breathing. I commit myself to live within this experience of nothingness and to write and share about my experience within it. I commit myself to give my body the attention it naturally needs to function it s best in relation to nothingness.

I go to the gym every second or third day. It is a addiction that I have. It feels weird to say that. I have been troublelede with addictions before. Drugs, porn, alcohol and nicotine. To mention some. The fact that I am now addicted to working out is still manifesting that I have one (or more) addiction to deal with. The symptoms are still there. The addiction is related to the feeling of greatness and well being from working out with the tools at the gym. It is just as much a energy addiction as any substance or drug. It is not dangerous or hazardous. My body likes it and It supports me in general – but it is still a addiction.

It is also a part of my therapy. Today I was at my parents place to collect some equipment and some canvases to paint and do arts with. My overhead also. For transparent pictures. As I was preparing to go to gym after this. I had packed my bag and I was prepared to leave home. I have this art show prepared in Stavanger this coming week and I am abitt anxious about going there to show my pictures. Actually I do not feel like having the exebition at all. I do not find it any thrill to do arts. I find it more easy and important to write. I do not undermine the gifts and the qualities that lies within making arts and drawing or painting. Far from. I actually plan to do more of it. Only not commercial or for public display.

But it was me that asked to show my pictures so now I expect myself to take responsibility and pushing through with the event. This was still my starting point of touching inn on psychosis and it was this regret – that was my starting point of my psychosis – because I was not taking charge and cleaning up my mess from begin with, using my tool of self forgiveness. Back there and then – when I felt the regret.

I guess it was a choice. I chose to ask to have my pictures on display, because I would think that this is a way for me to earn money. And later I would regret it. This problem is rooted within my difficulties of making a choice. Making a choice is one of my very more challenges in my life. I find that making choices are very difficult and I find that for me to make my decisions on my experiences I fail because so many of my experiences where errors. Many of my experiences where wrong and difficult to realize today that took place. And they were wrong. So I have to develop new and alternative methods to work out my choices. I still find this challenging and somewhat problematic. Choices are reason for regret and there for possible traps. Again I see it shine bright in all the meta-date we surround with : we are our own creators. We create our own realities. We design our own reality. And since you are reading this from your laptop and you obviously can afford it and have internet – you are a part of the elite that have more free choice, – than if you are born in a refugee camp in Colombia or Palestine. Or on a dump in Cambodia. Free choice roams with money. That is why I willc hose equality and oneness. Uber alles.

It is a old famous cafe in Stavanger where I am showing of my pictures and my art.

So anyways … I was driving from my new apartment, down to my parents place to pick up some equipment. And as I started to prepare to drive I started to go paranoid within myself. I guess it is related to having this new apartment and I am trying to suit into this apartment with myself and I am trying to make myself comfortable with being here more and more. And to learn to love myself within my place.

I got this tips from a college of mine. About leaving home paranoia. Because when I leave my apartment I get scared like what if my apartment burns down from me leaving my stove on ? This paranoia is very common with me. So, my colleague had experienced the same thing, and she told me to I start to write down on a piece of paper. I would write “check stove” and then I would mark it with the date. I would write on this piece of paper like a check paper where I would write the date to be sure everything was and it is ok with leaving my apartment. So I can feel secure. On a piece of paper. I later studied this helping system. And what I found was remarkable. I found out that I from writing creates a quantification process within me when I write stuff on a paper. Or on a computer. The story is compressed or suited better to my comfort and my likings. I can get all the points and I can write down all the stuff with that goes on within and without. Of my physical.

Like a security piece of paper. This have helped me lots, and I am very thankful to that person who helped me with arranging it.

So I where preparing my car to drive to my parents place and I would be going more and more paranoid with thoughts and I would be going more direct into the fear of paranoia and into the emotional reactive pattern of experiencing paranoia. Just fear and emotions.

I was preparing for evening and driving carefully down to my parents and picking up the painting equipment and then driving to the gym. I would be exercising and working out a good turn and when I was done I drove home.

In the gym I was listening to Sepultura. I like lots of music and there is lots that suit my ear. I like Chopin and Michael Jackson and Bob Marley and Jazz. Today I felt like something aggressive, something to tell me how I suppress the shitty war that goes on in the middle east. To learn to express myself. And all the lies and all the hate and the wrongs that goes on within society. Anyway I was listening to Sepultura when I was at the gym. Sepultura is quite hard going metal… and it is pretty aggressive music, yet I experienced that my paranoia where flattening out with the hard punches from my music and it was sort of being eased with me running on the treadmill and with me working out with this music on my ears. Stopping the mind stopping the fears etc.. I was able to bring myself out of my psychosis and out of my state where I was giving into the healing work out and bringing me into this idea or thought that I where cared for, it was all right. I was titleled to be sad or upset. I gave myself the right to be emotional. I was realizing that I had nothing to fear. And I would be able to let go of the psychosis, and move on to the weights and continue my working out.

I have had this idea that hard metal like Sepultura is not supportive and that it is would affect me negatively. What I fail to see is that I might lack words to describe what I experience and what I am going through, and music like that could actually help me find the right words or memory, so that I can help myself better.

So end of story is I let my starting point of regretting to having a art show in Stavanger.. control or guide me into the desperation and the paranoia and eventually possession or psychosis that I let play out within my life. I was able to figure this out at the gym.

What is Self-forgiveness? It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let regret guide me into paranoia, fear and eventually psychosis from regretting this one thing that is having a art show that actually could be fun and cool, if I let it, and stop the regret of choice and rather live in the now with the possibilities that are here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see understand and fully realize that I have started a larger habit with how I turn down offers and possibilities within my life and I say “no” to the chances I have in life to involve socially and professional because I doubt my choices and my reason for choices that are ruined because I am doubting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this issue of regret float gradually over like flooding water in a stream and cover my mind and my head with its paranoia, fear and eventually touching in on psychosis and leave with the notice and the friction within my head where I end up within a huge ball of meta data that I covering me and my physical like dust or snow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as wrong or sick or in need because I would go into this state of having a possession and having a need to check on myself to see what would ever be going on within myself an using Sepultura to see into -me, intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think Sepultura is not the right music for me to listen to if I experience paranoia because it is so aggressive and hard yet I see the clear point of being able to putt words on my emotions and the phenomena going on within me like with the psychosis and with paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would use my experience of having psychosis and working out solutions for myself that I is making my life easier and that Is movement from conscious to awareness and where I take active charge of my troubles and minimize the consequences outflow, and the damage and correct myself according to my experience.

When and as I see myself dragging on a starting point that I am not picking up and I head straight into the psychosis. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must allow myself to be sad or depressed or in fear or even paranoid if that I my best solution in the moment. I realize that I must be taking care of my own mental health the best way possible with all precautions. I realize that I must find time to clear out my psychosis and my emotions so that they do not continue to grow on me like cancer. I commit myself to allow myself to feel. I commit myself to allow myself to live my life within my process and also within my psychosis. I commit myself to deal with the habit of quitting and rather try to push through and still nurture myself here in this apartment where I am now, and to learn to love myself.

When and as I see myself lacking words and not finding the right words to my problems and issues, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my issues and my troubles are often related to help systems. I realize that I could read more and I could find more information within studying help systems, and learning new words. I realize that there is lots for me to learn still. I commit myself to learn new words and to study fields where I have things to learn. I commit myself to push through and to study the world around me for what is best for all. I commit myself to develop help systems that are the best systems possible. I commit myself to give to people the support that I have received and to share the solutions that I have found. I commit myself to spread the desteni message and to share it with anyone I meet and anyone I talk to.