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Peace

March 22, 2016

It's been awhile since I've blogged about anything personal, but I've been thinking about something and talking about it with friends the past few days, and I just really wanted to let it out somewhere.

I don't know if you guys still wanna read about things like this that don't involve beauty/fashion, so if you're usually here for those, you might wanna skip this post.

Blogging/social media work is not something I fell into on purpose, and it's not something that I wanted to do while growing up... Well, it was never a career option but somehow it has turned into that. And now there are so many new faces and people who are doing so well in this new industry that was non-existent just awhile ago.

I never envy nor am jealous of any of these people because I believe it takes a certain amount of work to get there, and even if it's luck - They definitely did something right to get to where they are. (Be it good deeds/it's simply in their fate!)

Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like I'm falling so far behind because the truth is I feel like I can't really keep up. I don't know how to deal with people the way I feel others do so easily...

Just awhile ago, I came face to face with these girls who are friends of friends and were generally nice to me most of the time but for some reason, I was never really sure... Then one day I felt like there were vibes sent my way that were a little weird and negative, so I chose to walk away from the situation and leave like I usually do. Then I heard the things they were saying about me behind my back to a few other people on the same day. Upon talking about it with other friends, I realised it wasn't the first time they did that, it has happened before that too.

I wouldn't say I was completely shocked, and I wouldn't say they're my friends so it's not like I should've expected otherwise... But still, it wasn't something nice for anyone to do to someone else. Thankfully, whoever they told saw the situation for what it is, told me what was going on, and told me word for word : "I think now I know enough to prove you're really a good person." Because I could've been a little bitch about it right there and then but I chose to leave, not spoil anyone's fun and simply not say a thing about it.

I don't understand why it isn't enough for someone to stop/not talk shit about someone if the person doesn't fight back. I've sat back silently so many times while being attacked online and I've never attacked anyone back or said anything because I always believe in being the bigger person, and I always thought "Well, if someone is going to believe whatever they read online about me and not bother to get to know the real me, then this person isn't worth my time anyway.".

Because of such people, I shy away from events a lot because I don't know how to be 'media friends' with someone. I don't know how to dislike a person but say hi to them at events when I see them, I don't know how to make small talk if I know someone is just talking to me because we're there at the event and it's the polite thing to do.

I don't understand how someone can be talking shit about somebody else then be taking pictures with them the next day or commenting heart shaped emojis on their Instagram... It really turns me off.

Yes, I get it. It's so easy to judge me and think of me as a bad person based on things you've read about me. That's why I appreciate it so much when people I get to know come and ask me about things they read about me online, and I'm always super open about sharing what really happened. I'd even show them proof of what really went down. They'd always be shocked and ask me 'Why would you not clear all of this up online?!' and I always tell them I don't really know. Some of them are candid and ask me why I'm so stupid, but then I stand by whatever I've done thus far.

Why haven't I said anything in defence, you may be wondering?
I guess, to a certain extent, I always felt bad for letting a friend down.. Not for stealing her 'boyfriend' because he never was and I never did, but for not being the first person to tell her there was something going on when it did.
I loved him enough to shoulder everything, and I did. I was attacked online for a good week or two, it was so bad I had to delete my mom's account because there were people tagging my family in hate comments too. Forget being avoided by almost everyone for the rest of semester in school, I've had to deal with people judging me before they knew me, and no doubt all of this stress caused a strain in our relationship whenever we quarrelled. Do you really think I haven't suffered?

Thankfully, I have my friends whom I know will never judge me even when I'm at my worst, and celebrate with me at my best. I'd rather spend my time and energy enjoying life with them, knowing that whatever we have is real and we're making memories to last a lifetime.
These are the people who'd tell me off in my face if they didn't like something I was doing, which may not always be easy to hear, but it's what real friends do. Straight up, no holds barred.(Shoutout to Melvin/Wendy/JH/Chev who are probably the first few on the list lol..)

Yes I agree, I may be too harsh to group everyone in the industry as people who are fake, because I've met a few who aren't at all and it was both refreshing and such a huge relief when I saw that they were not only sincere but good people. I hope to keep them for always.

Sometimes I do think it's such a pity... About the relationships that I may have missed out on because I was too afraid to give it a try. But most of the time, I think 'Why waste my time?'

I realize now that I've still got so much to figure out although I feel like I should already have most of that done at twenty three... There are wounds that haven't completely healed although I thought I was all good a long time ago, and I really hope I figure it all out soon.

If you're reading this and you're facing issues like these at work or at school (I know, they're EVERYWHERE), just know you're not alone, and remember that nobody can bring you down unless you let them. You could be close to perfect but there'll still be people who will try to bring you down.

The best you can do is to still do the right thing whenever you can and keep your chin up.
Remember that this too shall pass.