2014 was the hardest, most emotionally painful year of my life. I ended 2014 and have gone into 2015 in my lowest of lows. I've honestly gotten into the "it can't get any worse" mindset.

I actually said that to myself several times in the last few months... and then it HAS gotten worse. It's such a long story, perhaps worth retelling but I've told it so many times and it's only full of pain and heartache. Long long long story short, I'm now in a city with no local friends and family, just me and Damon. I've had and lost jobs. I had a vehicle, then the transmission went. I struggle to pay rent, utilities, daycare.

There hasn't been a lot of forward momentum, and certainly nothing "positive" to use as motivation to keep fighting through all the difficulties.

However. I do believe I can SAFELY say the worst is now behind us. I have some things I still need to figure out - like how to pay my internet bill before it gets shut off (which is actually vital because I have an internet-based job soon to start), and how to pay for D's childcare for the next couple weeks until I have a paycheck - but at least there IS a job offer, other job interviews scheduled, and the state of Texas is finally getting off it's ass and helping me.

I had a meeting today that landed me with an application for financial assistance to help get my car fixed while I job hunt (which I qualify for because I get food assistance/Medicaid from the state), a free bus pass in the meantime, and an application for daycare assistance to see if my daycare costs will get covered as well by the state until I am working regularly again.

^^ That is the first set of positive, momentum-building information I've had in MONTHS. Since September, it's really just been a downhill battle. I just really hope both of those applications will work out for me. It would completely turn things around for me and D. We need to catch a break.

I've gained so much weight in the last few months, from stress I'm sure. My health has deteriorated a lot. In the last month or so I've been attempting to go to a gym, workout at home some, but I haven't stayed consistent with it. I wish I had local friends or something - a gym buddy, someone to push me.

It doesn't help that I feel so alone, and in the last few months I've strained all of the important relationships in my life due to all my financial issues/burdens. I have a lot of paybacks and pay it forwards to do when life gets more manageable. I hope in time people will speak to me again without hesitation or dread.

Anyway, no pity parties. This is the situation I've been dealt. I've spent enough time depressed and crying over it. Like I said, things are looking up (albeit just a little bit), and this post is to say with new positive life outlooks means I need to work on a new positive mental outlook.

I've been spending too much time "inside my own head" - a lot of that due to just sheer lack of social interaction with anyone other than a 2 year old. Too much of that is not good for anyone, and doubly so for myself. I'm a loner, but I still need acknowledgment once in a while that other adults know I exist and have feelings/etc. Point is, maybe "getting out of my head" will help me. Put my thoughts back to LiveJournal, even if no one else reads them. Just de-fog my head from all this banter.