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What to Say to a Child when a Family Member is Very Ill

Written By Savvy Auntie Staff Writers

By Katelyn FryNovember 1, 2017

It’s never easy being the
bearer of bad news, and even harder when those on the receiving end are
kids. And as kids grow up, they may learn that a beloved family member
is sick. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you find yourself
having to have this conversation with your nieces and nephews.

Don’t delay the conversation. According to BrightHorizons.com,
children will be able to pick up on their family’s sadness and energy
no matter how hard you and others try to shield them from it. “The lack
of knowledge fills their lives with uncertainty and increased fear,”
Bright Horizons reports. And by being honest with them, kids will “trust
that adults will give…information that [they] need, work through
[their] own feelings, [feel] included rather than isolated, feel safe
asking questions, [and] be able to help in their own way.”

Keep it simple. Try to keep the conversations with nieces and nephews simple. Kids
don’t need to sort out big medical words, or how the body works, while
also trying to wrap their head around learning that someone they love is
ill. And to ease their fears, when it isn’t a contagious disease,
reassure the children with this information so they don’t feel they have
to hold back from hugging their family member (assuming that won’t
cause the patient any pain.)

Prepare them for routine changes. With a serious illness, changes to how and where a relative lives may occur. BabyCenter.com
recommends explaining changes in the family member’s routine. If he or
she is being moved to a hospital, prepare your nieces and nephews. If
they raise concerns about their relative not being where they are used
to seeing them, remind children that the hospital is where doctors and
nurses can take the best care of their relative.

Keep nieces and nephews involved. SigningTime.com
suggests giving kids a task to help loved ones feel better, like making
a card or preparing a care package. If you are able to visit often,
make this a daily activity by picking out the patient’s favorite snacks,
games, books, etc. This will not only cheer up the sick relative, but
also make kids feel like they are involved and have a sense of purpose
throughout this experience.

Be realistic. Be careful to offer realistic reassurance rather than just pure optimism. BabyCenter.com
advises against telling kids “everything will be fine” unless you truly
know that it will be. Limit yourself to sentences like, “[He/she] has
good doctors, and lots of people are taking care of [them].” This way,
if your family faces the worst case scenario, your nieces and nephews
won’t be as blindsided and hurt because they were told this wouldn’t
happen.

Be prepared for the worst case. Depending on the
relative’s condition, you (or their parent(s)) may have to face telling a
child that the beloved family member has died. According to HospiceNet.org,
it is important to prepare kids for this scenario rather than hide them
from it. “Children do not need protection; they need competent guidance
and satisfactory answers to their questions.” The site recommends
giving unemotional examples, like talking about how flowers die in the
winter. And if your nieces’ and nephews’ family is religious, talk to
them from that perspective (even if it’s not your belief.)

Most
importantly, allow your nieces and nephews the time and space to ask
questions. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. The best thing
you can offer kids during this difficult time is a feeling of open
communication, security, honesty and love, and that you and your family
are on this journey, together.