Well, since CRZ seems to be in need of volunteers, I figured I'd spend the half-hour prior to "Pardon the Interruption" on ESPN going through and doing some. So far, it's only the first Raw of the year, but hey... it's more than MOST of you have done! YEAH, BUDDY, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU

Replay of the DDT - and the fall. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson: DON'T PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN.RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Golly, Stephanie can't act!RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago. Oh yeah, have I mentioned that Stephanie can't act? ("Yeah, two paragraphs ago.") Oh, sorry. I wasn't sure I'd gotten that across yet.RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Venis off the second rope...but nobody's home on the elbowdrop. Gunn with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, into the ropes (notice that one guy's doing all the running here? Hint: it's not Gunn)RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago. Am I destined to see EVERY clip of Stephanie acting poorly TWICE?RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Coming back to real time, Austin has the beer tray. He samples every beer - must be quality control, says Ross. Crowd chants "Austin!" then "We want beer!" This segment goes on for about two yearsRAW is WAR 1.1.1

Stephanie can't act, by the way.RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Well now "My Time" *does* play and out comes STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT in her backup blouse. Before you write, accusing me of NEVER saying anything nice about Stephanie, I'll offer "at least she took her damn hand off her damn hip."RAW is WAR 1.1.1

I'll bet you a MILLION dollars we see part of this one more time, with a "Moments Ago" graphic, after the ad breakRAW is WAR 1.1.1

Sure enough, Moments Ago - dammit, whey does the WWF always trade off a positive with a negative? ("Hey, I WANT to see Stephanie's top get ripped off - in slow motion, yet!") Yeah, but YOU need to get a life. Hey...didn't you resolve to stop interrupting my reports in 2001? ("No, that was the Smark.") ("Yeah, and I lied! Why are they holding down Jericho by burying him in six-man sub-main events?") That's it - BOTH of you go watch in the other room. ("Got any Fritos?")RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Hey! Somebody actually wins in their signature match!RAW is WAR 1.1.1

XFL Ventura spot - too bad I have to blow off opening night to watch the WOW pay-per-view...on second thought, OH NO IT ISN'TRAW is WAR 1.1.1

Oh boy, I hope they work "XFL" into EVERY match description!RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Play...well, it's still T&A's music, isn't it? How confusing - I don't know who they're playing it for!RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Moments Ago, one paragraph ago. JESUS CHRIST GUYS DO YOU THINK WE'RE WATCHING SOME *OTHER* SHOW? YOU'RE UNOPPOSED THIS WEEK!RAW is WAR 1.1.1

Well, from no idea of what's on the show we go to knowing the main events of the next TWO shows - the big triple threat on Thursday leads to a "please come back and watch" WWF Championship match next Monday. So at least the *wrestling* part is taken care of...

I guess the only question remaining is (when) will they try to repair the *storyline* part? RAW is WAR 1.1.1

EDIT: And now, SmackDown!

I wonder if Austin learned attempted vehicular manslaughter from Triple H and Rikishi. I wonder if the police will get involved THIS time.SmackDown! 4.1.1

I forget, is "nontitle" another way of saying "champ gets pinned?"SmackDown! 4.1.1

Backstage, Austin paces some more. DickSmackDown! 4.1.1

"You're pathetic." I think he meant THIS is pathetic.SmackDown! 4.1.1

BILLIONAIRE VINCE makes his way out. He ain't smilin'. This'll either get much, MUCH better...or TEN TIMES WORSE.SmackDown! 4.1.1

He's decided that tonight's triple threat match needs a very special troubleshooting referee on the outside - a referee whose last name is McMahon. Stephanie actually thinks he's talking about her. "No, no - not you, Stephanie....GRRRRRMERRRRRRR." "You really are a genius." YOU REALLY CAN'T ACTSmackDown! 4.1.1

This got more time than Benoit/Jericho? ("Yeah, but the Chrisses got MIC TIME.") Quiet, you.SmackDown! 4.1.1

Stacker 2 ad #4 - okay, I'm tired of it now. ThanksSmackDown! 4.1.1

"Are you sure you're okay?" Vince asks Stephanie to get him some painkillers...and also to cut the sleeves out of this ref shirt. "I don't know why, I just can't referee with sleeves." Umm, it must be YOUR MASSIVE BICEPS, VINCE. BleeeeeeeeahSmackDown! 4.1.1

I thought so, too. I did watch Unscripted one time... When Hogan was on. I laughed for the WHOLE THIRTY MINUTES.

I feel so good I might just say it again! Say what? The fact that tonight.......RAW IS WAR!RAW is WAR 8.1.1

Stephanie: "Good luck! And have you checked out my cleavage yet? C'mon, you know you want to...don't you?" RAW is WAR 8.1.1

Oops, Pat Patterson just popped out of the Rock's dressing room....hey, wait a minute! PATTERSON JUST BROKE KAYFABE! BURN HIM!RAW is WAR 8.1.1

Hey, there's my hat!RAW is WAR 8.1.1

It'd be wrong of me to mention that Stephanie can't act, but what the hell. "Dad, I've said it before, but...you are a genius." STEPHANIE CAN'T ACTRAW is WAR 8.1.1

Who was behind the wheel? ("Gotta be Chastity!") You WISH.RAW is WAR 8.1.1

Edge & Christian provide direction to somebody off-screen. The Dudleyz will be totally surprised, and this will totally reek of awesomeness. Well, we'll be the judge of that...after this break!RAW is WAR 8.1.1

Triple H shills Weider's Dynamic Muscle Builder - available at Albertson's? Hmmm...not MY Albertson's...well, I actually haven't checked. What aisle would that be in?RAW is WAR 8.1.1

D-Von, I require a table.RAW is WAR 8.1.1

Dick Butkus shills the XFL - ever wonder if he's sorry he didn't save his money from "Hang Time?"RAW is WAR 8.1.1

Champion enters first because mama said it beez that way sometimes.RAW is WAR 8.1.1

"You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh.

---=---:---=---[Look up a line]Wow, that belt looks like crap... I'll take it and carry it around for years and see if people can take it away from me... What? What was that? You mean even THIS belt doesn't matter! What? I'm insulted! Get away from me you... you... defiler!

Well, since I was already working on one of these... I'll post what I've got for RAW so far. I got as far as mid-October, and didn't do Smackdown yet, so feel free to pick up where I left off. I also slipped in a couple of them I liked from the first two weeks.

Split into months for readability purposes.

JANUARY 2001

Triple H shills Weider's Dynamic Muscle Builder - what, did he give up on Metacuts? They were supposed to make you The Game, and super orange to boot! RAW IS WAR 1.1.2001

Benoit is about two armband adjustments away from having Dean Malenko's old WCW entrance *down*. RAW IS WAR 1.1.2001

MEAN STREET POSSE v. TWO OTHER GUYS - Rodney & Pete "Gas" have *really* improved, but you've heard that before. Their finisher is Rodney's High Society from Pete's raised, inverted wheelbarrow, or body scissors, or...well, that's just a fancy way of saying "he held him up." RAW IS WAR 8.1.2001

At this point, half a dozen of the XFL (DEMON) CHEERLEADERS came out and took the front row right in front of me. I kept waiting for exciting things to happen so they'd stand up, since they were wearing leather pants and all. RAW IS WAR 8.1.2001

And here's a look at the lovely DEMONS CHEERLEADERS. I know you're wondering, so I'll tell you that through my extensive research...the one on the far right *definitely* has the nicest ass. RAW IS WAR 8.1.2001

Hey! Here's a look at Lita in the shower - woo hoo! Malenko spies through the curtain...then pulls it back for us. Of course, she's got her back to us - hey, who wears a thong in the shower? Oh well. RAW IS WAR 8.1.2001

WELL IT'S KANE and RIKAZHMONEY (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. "BLIND" JACK DOAN & "BLIND" TEDDY LONG and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL DOT COM in a handicap match - Refs get no entrance music - they wear standard "WWF Attitude - Come Get Some" basic black T-shirts. I take offense when Ross says "they're not athletes" - I wonder if THEY do. RAW IS WAR 8.1.2001

Rock is ready to start but referee "Blind" Tim White is adamant that Stephanie's directions be followed. I tried to start a "Teddy" chant but nobody went for it...except Jerry Lawler (!) I also suggested he give him the ol' "right hand over the top!" but he wasn't listening. Maybe if I'd have called him "Peanuthead," he'd have listened. RAW IS WAR 8.1.2001

Jim Ross was very kind and shook my hand on his way out - a REAL handshake, not one o' them "I'll slap you as I walk by" deals, so I take back everything bad I've said about him ever. Well, most of it. Unfortunately, I washed my hand at the Jack in the Box before I ate dinner. RAW IS WAR 8.1.2001

THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT come out to Triple H's new theme, "Lemmy Been a Friend of Mine." Stephanie's hair is freshly heel-crimped, lest we forget which man is supposed to be considered de facto face in this heel/heel title matchup. RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Trish told Vince she's been bad, very bad, so bad she deserves a spanking. In response, Vince got CREEPY. Spank it! RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. I'm *afraid* of getting muscles because all they'll do is push out the fat in front of them and make me look even BIGGER RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

Moments Ago, Rock was waiting for Undertaker to get up so he could Rock Bottom him...too bad he wasn't watching the EntertainmentTron or he'd have seen his partner creep up behind him with the chokeslam. And there's a Last Ride. And there's Kane...staring.....so is Kane still a heel if he hooks back up with his half-brother? And when does the Show come back to get his revenge? And that's the Last Word! Big Boss Man raised the briefcase! The Executioners were Dwayne Gill and Barry Hardy! And I need some more medication! RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

Meanwhile, Trish makes ready with the Yapapi strap-ation, DUDE Lawler says some form of "spank" about a hundred times in three seconds. RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

Before the beating can continue until Lawler's morale improves, KING KURT ANGLE is out to put a stop to all this nonsense. Trish says she still wants to come out for Kurt's match, but Kurt tells her not to worry - go back to the hotel and put some salve on that thing - rest up for the Rumble. He can handle Austin. "You go...ice that thing or whatever." Stratus keeps rubbing it, in the hopes that YOU'LL start rubbing...nah, I don't know. RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

To WWF New York we go, where Tha 1 Billy Gunn is inside. They ask him how he feels about Chyna getting back in the ring on Sunday. He loves her to death, but he thinks it's too soon. She's not 100% and that worries him. But he'll be as supportive a gay best friend as he can be! RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT start out tonight's festivities - Triple H carries a sledgehammer and the look of a man who got pinned last night - the Smark told me this was Triple H's first pinfall loss since Abraham Lincoln held the championship, and I know better than to try to use *facts* to change his mind. RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

Test points to his armband, which has MORLEY written on it. Geez, did Val Venis die and nobody told us? ("No, his MOTHER did. Can't you show ANY sensitivity?") Oh. Well, let's move on, then. RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From last night, clips of the ladder match - which show no appreciable burning that I can discern RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

And now *Benoit* is asking Show where he was while he was getting pinned. That ain't too bright, but he *is* Canadian after all - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Play his music and WELCOME HIM BACK!! (Don't worry, I'll be back to making fun of his matches in a week or so.) RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

WCW HARDCORE CHAMPION THEMONSTERHAKU is running down but it looks like he's gonna blow it - 1, 2, Rikishi is forced to kick out of Kane's finisher because Haku can't hit the ring in time to pull him away. That's not the way to make a good impression on your second night back, buddy. RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

Lawler asks "what do you expect, to have a camera in Mr. McMahon's dressing room?" Umm, they seem to EVERY OTHER SHOW, King. RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

And here's a Special Video Look at Drew Carey at the Rumble. Well, he can always become WCW World Heavyweight Champion. RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

Snow covers again - 1, 2, 3. Don't know what THAT was about, but Snow finally got it done. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (3:35) But a FIGURE IN BLACK emerges from a car, breaks a 2x4 over Snow's back and puts Raven on top...1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the same hardcore champion. (0:12)RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

Here's a look at Times Square...and WWF New York. Inside, K-Kwik and Too Cool...get rowdy. Boy THAT'D be worth paying to get in, wouldn't it? RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

KING KURT ANGLE & TRISH STRATUS v. AD BREAK - you were WONDERING when they'd sneak in the ads to make up for having a fifteen minute segment an hour ago, weren't you? Weren't you? No? Oh. RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

Chyna shills Stacker 2. How scary! RAW IS WAR 29.1.2001

During the Break, Rock was attended to. "It's fine - I said, it's fine!" Angrily, he storms off - probably because he slipped and actually said "I" instead of "The Rock." RAW IS WAR 29.1.2001

Triple H tells his lawyer if he screws this up, he'll beat his ass. "And how am I supposed to trust your father? Are you sure on this?" "Hunter, calm down!" "I can't calm down!" Must be the Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. RAW IS WAR 29.1.2001

During the Break, Austin rolled around on the mat. Ross: "And when Austin came to, I want you to look deep in the eyes of that Texas Rattlesnake, you stare deeply into those eyes, ladies and gentlemen, when Austin came to. This was shot during our commercial break, and by God, this will haunt you, perhaps for the rest of your days. Austin finally made his way back up, and when he does, you look right in those eyes, King, and you'll know exactly what I'm tellin' you." What may haunt ROSS for the rest of his days is we never got whatever the shot was that he was going on and on about. RAW IS WAR 29.1.2001

Director desperately tries to get a good job of Taker's bladejob...and doesn't meet with much success. Nice shot of that wet spot on his ass, though... RAW IS WAR 29.1.2001