Internet Gutter: WikiHow To Be Anything

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Online is a strange and terrifying place. It’s enabled us to connect with one another, advance the causes of science and culture, and unite the world with a glowing net of data. It’s also enabled people with very… particular interests to find each other. In this new weekly series, we’ll be dipping into the Internet Gutter – the strange subcultures and weird worlds lurking in the dark pockets of the World Wide Web.

WikiHow Lifestyles

On the surface, WikiHow seems like an excellent idea – a crowd-sourced repository of step-by-step illustrated instructions on how to do everything from how to change a car tire to make a lobster bisque. Unfortunately, the actual site is significantly less helpful. Just as Wikipedia transformed from “all the world’s vital knowledge” to “a list of every single anime character,” WikiHow has been taken over by the most ridiculous, useless tutorials ever written.

We checked in with WikiHow a few months ago to explore different ways to poop, but now we’re going back for something a little bigger. The site has a flabbergasting array of tutorials on transforming your normal self into something different. Something… better.

How To Be A Hipster

Let’s start this off with possibly the most embarrassing thing you could ever willingly click on, “How To Be A Hipster.” That term is basically devoid of all meaning in the year 2016, but WikiHow is ready to help you claim it anyways.

Things start off strong with a section on hipster fashion:

“Avoid buying labeled gear from stores run by the label itself (so very not nice consumerism). Instead, look for independent retailers because supporting obscure retailers is “totally deck”. For example, buy from local mixed fashion stores near you.”

Totally… deck?

WikiHow illustrations are notoriously bad, but the ones in this piece push the envelope towards truly nightmarish. The best part is where we elevate ourselves a couple irony levels with a section on handling criticism like a hipster:

“As for people who poke fun at your fashion sense, remind the so-called trendy mass that their worn and torn jeans fashion was created by children who are little more than slaves in some sweatshop and if they want to contribute to that, they’re welcome to. If they point out the fact that your Apple products were also produced in sweatshops, change the subject to an obscure band they’ve never heard of.”

How To Be A Spy

Espionage agencies look for the best and the brightest, top physical and mental specimens who won’t crack under the greatest pressure. They’re trained intensively for years before being put into live situations. But then, you could just read a WikiHow page on “How To Be A Spy” and skip all that.

Scroll up a bit and look at that picture of a girl hiding behind a corndog. Really drink it in. That’s the caliber of advice you’re getting with this one. Tips include “learn parkour” and “get smart,” which basically means “read a bunch of books about spying.”

To improve your stealthiness, WikiHow basically recommends you commit some small crimes, e.g.:

“Try stealing something little of your friends, like a pen or a folder, and return it without being noticed for practice. Do not take this as an endorsement for stealing. This article is supposing that you are ultimately working on the side of good, not evil.”

How To Become A Superhero

If you’re not satisfied with the feats of mortals, don’t stress. WikiHow has you covered. In the guide to How To Become A Superhero, you’ll receive such vital tips as “learn parkour” (again) and “get good health insurance.” That last one seems especially appropriate for any WikiHow endeavor.

The best part of the instructions is probably where they give you tips for choosing your superhero name.
“This is going to be one of the most important tidbits about your persona. Imagine your name in lights. Does “Gregarious Greg” really have the ring to it you want (you can do better than that!)? Is “Looks Good in Yellow Girl” doing yourself justice? How do you want to be remembered? How does it match your powers?”

I have the first appearance of Gregarious Greg in mint condition with an eBay Buy It Now price of $160 if anybody’s interested.

How To Be A Side Chick

We wouldn’t think that having sex with a dude who has a wife or girlfriend would necessarily be how-to material, but WikiHow knows best. The hilariously illustrated guide to being a “side chick” gives ladies everything they need to enjoy an emotionally vacant, sex-only experience in private.

The entire guide is written as if talking to a toddler. To wit:

“Refrain from having “The Talk”. Having the “What are we doing? Where is this going?” talk will push him away. You have to know your lane. You’re his side chick; the end. Yeah, some side chicks do end up as mains, but this is much rarer than you may think. If your thing is all about hooking up, then there’s no need to overwhelm your guy with serious conversation. This will lead you to a time out.”

Uh, I haven’t had a “time out” since I was in third grade. Every WikiHow article has a “Tips” section at the end, but this has just a single tip presented:

“Don’t be a side chick. Go find yourself an actual boyfriend rather than facilitate cheating.”

Phew! Glad I read the article first.

How To Become A Sissy

“A sissy is a term that refers to an effeminate boy or man. It is the opposite of a tomboy but is often referred to in a demeaning way. In the last few decades, people have begun to break down gender roles. You can become a sissy and be confident in your choices.”

*Lil Jon voice* OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Grab Bag

There are plenty of other WikiHow lifestyle guides that we didn’t cover here. Enjoy this slideshow of the worst and weirdest art from a bunch of other ones.