Queerty’s Weekly Roundup Of Bizarro Gay News

A married man discovered his stolen x-rated selfies circulating on Grindr. Ted Cruz talked about his butt sweat. And a college dude hit a ping pong ball with his penis. These are just a few of the things that happened this fourth full week of January in the year 2016.

Here are some of the most bizarro gayish new stories of the week…

Mouthy masseur gets his day in court

A masseur was slapped with three years of probation after getting a little too fresh with a heterosexual client at the Kneading Hands day spa in Bethlehem, PA. 39-year-old Christopher Atanazy admitted this week to performing unwanted fellatio on the man last September. In addition to probation, a judge ordered him to pay a $500 fine and barred him for ever working in a massage parlor again.

Married man discovers stolen x-rated selfies on Grindr

This genius took a naked picture of himself while his wife was out of town then accidentally uploaded it to a public photo album on Google Drive. A week later, he got a message on Facebook saying someone was posing as him on Grindr. Moral of the story: Always set your photo albums to private.

Video surfaces of teenaged Ted Cruz discussing his butt sweat

Ancient video of the antigay GOP contender for president surfaced this week in which he incites two horrifying visuals: 1. the sweat trickling down his butt crack, and 2. his plans for world domination.

Lifeguard reprimanded for his “visible anatomy”

An embarrassed lifeguard shared an email he received from his boss complaining about his large member and requesting he wear board shorts instead of a speedo at work. Seriously, we wish we had this guy’s problems.

College kid uses penis as a ping pong racket

Basically, this dude’s buddies filmed him in using his peter as a ping pong racket in a college rec room because, hey, that kind of precision ought to be documented for the world to see. See the NSFW video here.

As winter storm Jonas swept across the East Coast, at least one brilliant Republican lawmaker in Virginia took to Grindr in hopes of finding someone to keep him warm. A tidbit of advice for all you closeted right-wingers out there: When cruising the grids of Grindr for some steamy side action, you should probably be mindful of who you’re sending face pics to.