Anal sex, spermicides, lube and the best expert of all.

I'm 18, and my girl and I have been going out for a year and we have just recently become sexually active so I have a few questions.
1. Is it okay to use spermicidal lubrication,or a spermicidal condom, because I did research and it may harm my girlfriend. I definitely don't want to do that because I truly love her.
2. We've tried anal, and once I ejaculated inside her anus, is that ok? Every time I try anal it hurts her, how do I make it feel good for her? I don't use lube, and I am very careful, and hate seeing her in pain.
3. Is it ok to use water, spit, or saliva for lube to go in her butt?
4. when I eat my girls vagina she really likes it, but I want to get maximum stimulation, how would I do that?
5. Is it ok to have anal sex or will that mess her intestines up at all in any way? I just want to make sure it's safe, okay, and won't harm the love of my life.

Heather Corinna replies:

I'd divide your questions into two groups here: the things you need to ask someone else, and the things you need to ask your girlfriend (and listen to her about).

Let's start with the first group.

Per spermicides, in general, if you can avoid using them, you want to avoid using them. Not only are they genital irritants -- so they tend to make sex feel less pleasant for a lot of partners, especially female partners, but because they're genital irritants, they have been shown in some studies to slightly increase the risks of STI transmission. Plus the amount of spermicide on a spermicidal condom is so miniscule that it's not offering you a lot more protection.

Condoms used properly, all by themselves, work beautifully. (And really, spermicide only has a chance to work if a condom breaks, in which case, spermicide or no, we'd advice using emergency contraception, making the spermicide moot.)

Properly means using for all genital contact, from start to finish, putting it on right, taking it off correctly, and using that lubricant you seem, for some reason to be avoiding.

Why? Lube is the bomb: it makes all kinds of insertive sex more pleasant for everyone, and it helps keep your condoms from breaking. More on the lube in a minute: let's move on to the anal sex, and unto the arenas where it's your girlfriend, not me, you really need to be talking to AND listening to.

Anal sex in and of itself is not harmful, nor does it have anything to do with the intestines. However, having anal sex without using a condom presents risks of pregnancy and of sexually transmitted infection: if you are going to be having anal sex, you need to be doing it safely. That means using condoms, getting tested (and since you have had anal sex unprotected, if the two of you have not both recently had a full STI screening, you both need to go do that now, okay?) and it also means using a real lubricant: not saliva or water, which do little to nothing when it comes to lubricating tissues that, unlike the vagina, don't self-lubricate.

Anal tissue is delicate: not only is good lubrication really important (as is safer sex), but so is only having anal play or sex with a partner to whom it feels good. Your girlfriend is in pain when you do this: her being in pain is a red light you're running. Do other kinds of anal play -- things which are far more gradual than intercourse -- feel good to her? Does she, for instance, enjoy analingus (anal-oral sex, which should also be done with a barrier, FYI), or a (gloved!) lubricated finger in her anus? If not, then she just doesn't enjoy anal sex, so you stop trying, and consider what's good for her.

If she DOES enjoy those things, then after a while of doing those things, you both can consider anal intercourse, but again, this should be gradual. Really, I generally tell young users -- or people of any age -- that anal sex is advanced sexual activity. To have it be enjoyable, partners need to be able to communicate very well, to respond to what their partners are saying about comfort, and to be incredibly patient. Generally, you can't just try and stick something far larger than the anus in there and have it feel good in any way at all.

Too, it's always worth mentioning that while there are women who do enjoy receptive anal sex, more men than women do, in part because you have a sensitive area of your anatomy -- your prostate gland -- that is stimulated by receptive (as in, in your bottom, not hers) anal sex, and we don't. For this reason, I also generally suggest that partners who want to explore anal sex take turns with BOTH partners being the receptive partner: it's one of these things where we're lucky to be able to get a sense of how something feels for the other partner, so both partners being the "catcher" tends to be pretty illuminating, and often enough, men discover an activity for themselves in being the receptive partner that expands how they experience orgasm as well as how they think about male/female sex.

But really, in your case, what I'm hearing in this post is that this just isn't something your girlfriend likes. Not everyone likes every sexual activity that can be done -- I bet you don't, either. So, often enough, we'll have things we like to do and a partner does not, in which case the right thing to do is to defer to that partner. For now, unless SHE is asking to explore some anal play -- and again, you'd start small and gentle, not with a penis -- sounds to me like this is something you should put on the shelf.

The same thing goes with the oral sex: the person to ask about what feels best and most intense in any sexual activity is that partner. We all have different experiences with sensitivity, and different things we like. I could tell you what I liked, but that wouldn't be very helpful, because I'm not your girlfriend, who may like entirely different things with oral sex than I do.

Young people often have the idea that sex is supposed to be wordless, without talking. But the turth is...well, that that's not true. In order for anything that happens between any two people to work for both, we've got to communicate, and communicate clearly. Moans and grabbing can get us part of the way, but we need our words, too. And there's certainly nothing un-sexy about describing how you're feeling during sex: it's sure a lot more hot to have someone piping up when things feel good than to be so wordless that the only time you hear from a partner is when they're saying "Ow!"

Ask her what feels good, let her know to tell you how things are feeling (and not just when they hurt), and to also tell you if she wants something to be faster or slower, with more pressure or less, to the right or the left, more tongue or more lips, and so forth. The only expert on her body and what feels good to her is her.

The Cliff's Notes?
• Go out and buy some latex-safe lubricant and use it when you use condoms.
• Skip the spermicidal condoms.
• Set the anal play aside for now unless it's something she is asking for, and you can do more gently and gradually, starting with just a gloved finger and lube, not a penis.
• Start talking more with your partner, in and out of the bedroom about what she likes and what feels good. When it comes to her own body, it's she, not me, who is the expert.

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