Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Germany vs Sweden Prosecution Witnesses Part 3

A Boston Blickbild Exlusive

After a long recess in the Germany versus Sweden witch doctor kidnapping trial, court is back in session. Now it is time for the last prosecution witness to testify, who is none other than Dr. Mabongo. He will give his version of events. Was he kidnapped by Sweden, or did he run away from the German Ski Team on his own? The prosecuting attorney is "Germany" and the defense lawyer is "Sweden."

Germany: Please state your name and occupation for the record.

Mabongo: Robert David Louis Mabongo. I am a witch doctor.

Germany: Tell the court about your qualifications as a witch doctor.

Mabongo: I am the oldest son in my family. All of the oldest sons in my family have been witch doctors since the world was created by a swarm of giant mosquitoes many moons ago. I learned my craft from my father, who learned from his father, all the way back to when the world was created. Germany: Please explain how you were hired by the German Ski Federation.Mabongo: Maria Hoefl-Riesch and Lena Duerr were having poor performances last season. The German federation tried everything to help them, but nothing worked. I was their last hope. The German trainers turned to the Boston Blickbild, who sent three pairs of intrepid reporters and interpreters to find me in the Congo. Unfortunately, my tribesmen killed the first two sets of reporters and interpreters. But the important thing was that they found me and hired me to work with Maria and Lena. Germany: How have Maria and Lena done since the German Federation hired you?Mabongo: Maria finished second in the overall World Cup standings last season, and she won three medals at the World Championships in February, one of which was gold. Lena is still having some problems with consistency, but she won the City Event in Moscow. She is also starting to do some speed races. Germany: When other teams saw the success that you had with Maria and Lena, did you help them find witch doctors?Mabongo: Yes. France and Italy now have their own witch doctors and their skiers are having good results. Tina Maze worked with me last summer. Norway and Finland have also asked about obtaining witch doctors for their teams. Germany: We have established your credentials as a witch doctor. Now please tell the court about what happened to you on the evening of Friday the 8th of February of this year. Mabongo: I left my hotel after dinner to go for a walk and think about a good charm for Maria in her upcoming downhill race. Suddenly somebody grabbed me from behind and stuffed me into a burlap sack. It smelled strange in the sack. I must have been drugged because I woke up and was surrounded by Swedish skiers and trainers. I asked to go back to my hotel, but then I was tied to a chair. The only time I could leave was to go to the toilet. Even then, one of the men went with me. Germany: So you were not able to leave on your own free will?Mabongo: No. I was told to make voodoo dolls of the Swedish skiers and have them winning races against voodoo dolls of other skiers. I was also told to teach the Swedish team the Witch Doctor Song and make juju beads for the team. Germany: Did you do those things?Mabongo: Yes. They told me that I would not want to know what would happen to me if I refused to comply.Germany: How did you end up in Matthias Hargin's speed suit during the team competition?Mabongo: Because both the Swedish men and women were competing in the team event, there was nobody to stay with me to prevent my escape. The Swedes had to do something with me and decided that the best solution was to be hidden in Matthias' speed suit. Germany: Previous witnesses said that when you were discovered in Matthias' speed suit, you asked to be taken back to the German team. Is that correct?Mabongo: Yes.Germany: One more question. Were you ever abused by the Germans?Mabongo: No. I was always treated with respect by the Germans. Germany: That is all Your Honor. The prosecution rests.Judge: There will be a one-hour recess and then the defense will question this witness.
(one hour later)Sweden: Dr. Mabongo, you said earlier that the world was created by a swarm of giant mosquitoes.Germany: Objection! Irrelevant!Judge: Overruled. I'll allow the witness to explain how he thinks the world was created. In Mongolia we believe that the world was created by the Great Yak.Mabongo: Long ago there were giant mosquitos who flew all over the sky. But they got tired and needed a place to rest. Since there was no other life around, the mosquitos took dust from the sky and made everything on the earth. That is how the world was created. Sweden: I learned something new today, so my day is not wasted. Do you have any credentials or diplomas stating that you are a witch doctor?Mabongo: No. Learning to be a witch doctor is something that is handed down from father to eldest son. Sweden: Did you actually see who grabbed you and put you in the sack?Mabongo: No. I was grabbed from behind.Sweden: Then how do you know that it really was someone from the Swedish team who abducted you?Mabongo: Using my powers of deduction, I figured it out. I woke up in a hotel room with Swedish team members. I didn't see anyone from other countries from Friday night until the following Tuesday.Sweden: Didn't you really leave your hotel because the Germans were abusing you?Mabongo: No. The German team gave me everything that I needed. Sweden: Isn't it difficult to get the foods that you're used to eating in the Congo in German supermarkets?Mabongo: The German team has my favorite foods flown in daily. Sweden: Didn't you really end up in Matthias Hargin's speed suit because you were cold and needed a warm place to stay during the team competition? You were only wearing a loincloth and were barefoot in freezing weather.Mabongo: No. He put me there so that I would not go back to the German team. Sweden: Do you think it's possible that someone from a different country abducted you and then delivered you to the Swedish team?Mabongo: Anything is possible, even the world being created by a big yak instead of mosquitoes. Sweden: That is all I have for this witness, Your Honor.

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We don't believe that the world was created by either the Great Yak or a swarm of giant mosquitoes.

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