Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Lightning don't strike the same place twice, right? Wrong. Lightning for me is an old feeling that overcame me today... So much to say but my words truly fail me. But as always I am hoping - this time more desperately than the last - that my words will liberate or heal me.

When part of our house was illegally demolished by City Council last September, thanks to one Joseph Macharia Muchiri (I should upload his photo here eh? Just Google him), I got a feeling in my stomach that I cant quite describe in words. I did not want to go home and at the point when I realized that was not an option, I wanted to walk home from Lower Kabete because I thought if I delayed long enough, then maybe , just maybe, someone would snap me out of reality and hastily send me to dream-land. Of course I did none of the above.

Today is exactly 14 months since A.N. passed away. Today, the court granted bail to ALL accused suspects. I was not in court so the details are unknown to me. I learnt the news from Mrs. M through a text message... She did not say it explicitly but the minute I read the first two words of her text, that feeling I had 14 months ago arrested my tummy again... But today it was more brutal. It arrested even my heart. I replied momma's message with three words: "You are joking." She didn't reply. Eventually I found someone to spell it out for me. The text read: "... the court allowed bail for all."

This is the order of events after reading that message.

I had just alighted from a matatu. I was crossing Ng'ong road. I stopped in my tracks. Almost got hit by a bodaboda. By the way, there is a reason City Council bylaws forbid us from using our phones while crossing the road. Anyway, I walked back to the pavement, my hand over my now agape mouth. I called my sister:

Me: Have you heard

Her: Mmmmm.

*Choke on tears*

I hang up

Instantly, my mind is filled with flashbacks of all the court hearings, his lawyers, the demolition, the utterances made by Macharia's wife, Ngunjiri's family and the numerous time we had been here before and had always been the favored ones.

I settle down in class. I swear I have never been so absent from any class in my life. EVER!

I stare at the ground the entire class. Thousands of thoughts cross through my mind. I start to whisper prayers to God.

*Tears well up in my eyes*

*Sniff*Sniff*

My deskmate: Are you ok?

Me: Yeah I am fine

Deskmate: Are you sure, because you are not writing any notes

Me: Oooh. Ooops. I will start writing. I dont start writing

*More thoughts*

*More tears well up in my eyes*

Mental Conversation 4: Stop being silly. You are in class and the lecturer can see you are not OK You'll be kicked out of class. Get a grip of yourself or ask to be excused.

I resolve to get a grip of myself.

Me: Whispers prayer of Jabez and declares it upon my family. Also Lord, I would really like daddy to walk me and my sister down the aisle. Please keep him out of harms way.

*Tears well up in my eyes*

BLACKOUT

Mental Conversation 5: Thank God!!!! I can go home.. Crap! Cant go home. Maybe I should walk, so that I can never get there. *Sigh*

Bail is a constitutional right in the 2010 Constitution but is there really no exception to the applicability of this right because everyone seems to be getting bail these days. EVERYONE! Don't I, the girl who has been threatened twice, have a right to feel safe in the house I have called home for 21 years? I haven't broken any law, yet it feels like the law selective.

The first time I ever looked over my shoulder when going home was the night A.N. was murdered. It has been instinctive for me to do so ever since that day... Now, well... Now, I guess we take each day as it comes.

On related matters: My heart goes out to A.N's family... This must be so much more harder for them.