Can a guy get a bad reputation from asking out too many girls?

I never asked out girls during high school and my first two years of college because I was fat. I worked hard to lose weight and get into shape, and now I ask out girls all the time. I've gotten a few dates but don't have a gf yet.

The thing is, I'm hearing things from my female friends that I'm asking out too many girls. I didn't know it could be a bad thing. So can a guy get a bad rap for asking out too many girls? It seems kinda confusing to me, like I was a loser for not asking girls out, and now I'm a loser for asking too many girls out.

Updates:

Okay, I think I got it. Girls believe that any guy who asks out more than one girl a year or one girl in a group is a player, while guys see nothing wrong with it. I don't think there's going to be any agreement across the gender divide on this issue anytime soon.

I'm starting to understand just how little girls understand about what it means to be a guy.

Most Helpful Guy

i dont see why he should. Most girls will turn you down anyways. If you want to remain single for the rest of your life.. just ask out 2 - 3 women (pray one says yes), or ask out a good number of women who peak your interest and actually get a relationship going. Don't let girls tell you how many of them you should approach. You're the one doing the work, so the decision is yours

yeah the thing is, girls would LOVE it if she was the only girl you ever approached. It makes her feel super special and one of a kind. That's why most of the girls responding to this are against the idea of casting a wide net. Even if they reject you, they get the satisfaction of feeling special, while the expectation for the guy is that he just stands there, twiddling his thumbs after a rejection and just let the other girls pass him by, as he has already asked out the arbitrary quota limit of girls he's socially allowed to. Girls who discourage guys from playing the field are largely looking out for themselves and their own egos in my opinion.

It's not about feeling special, in my opinion. If a guy who asks a lot of girls out asked me out, I wouldn't take him seriously, I would think he's a player and that he doesn't actually like me but just likes the game.

@BarbaraP But you're assuming that the guy asked them all out, used them all for sex, and then laughed about it with his friends. What if the guy is just an average dude who has to ask out a lot of girls to get dates? The problem here is that you assume the worst about guys. We don't all fit into this player/loser dichotomy that girls seem to perpetuate.

Of course you don't, but I was asked out and I didn't know you as a person but knew that you just asked 5 other girls out I would think that you're a player. That's what people do, they make assumptions, guys also do that. It's inevitable.

@BarbaraP I don't make assumptions about people I don't know, not unless they present as some sort of drugged out social miscreant. A normal, decent girl talking to me doesn't set off my alarm bells, but that's just me. Girls are very guarded now because so many guys out there are users. Y'all lose in this thing, too, though.

Im going to lay this to bed;) Watermelonoma is on the money, but this is how it works: In the dating game, for guys, its about numbers. We have to be proactive. Women generally are reactive and don't have to worry about this shit. Therefore their advice on this is void. Is there a certain number that makes you a player or not, NO. If you get a rep for being a player, who cares? The moment you let a women dictate your life, you lost already and she won't find you attractive. If you going to be a player, do it with passion and respect, and like the rest of the players, you will have a bed of women. The only limit is in your mind. The only golden rule is, you can't shit on your own lawn (i. e. ask for numbers in the same group of friends or class, or work). Diversify. my player friend hits all avenues (and I copy him). He tries a few at work and class, when going out, has several dating sites, and tries his luck on FB and our social circles.

@BarbaraP You just don't want to understand guys' perspective, do you? How do you conflate me trying to get a date with me being an unscrupulous player in your mind? Guys have to try; we don't have girls' luxury of sitting around and waiting for things to happen.

What Girls Said 6

Yeah. For example, this one guy asked me out several years ago. I rejected him. Then he proceeded to ask out like 4 of my other friends. All of us kind of raised our eyebrows at that because it's just kind of weird, you know? Like you're desperately asking out a lot of girls just to see if ANYONE says yes. Doesn't seem very genuine either.

Dude that's life. If you doing it wrong, you a creep. You do it right, you not a creep. It's like if an old man on a train stared at a girl, he will be a creep. But if Tatum channing stared at the same girl on the train, she would not be creeped. Use the simple rule, ask a few in one region, but then go to other places and so it.

But I'm not a hot girl. I don't have the luxury of sitting back and picking and choosing. Girls don't come to me, I have to chase them.

I know about 15 girls at school. I would date maybe 7 or 8 of them. I'm not asking them out just to be cute, I legitimately like them. A girl, on the other hand, might date 1 or 2 guys out of 15 friends. Y'all are pickier than us. Guys crave contact with girls in a way that girls never understand. We need y'all in our lives, which is why we chase y'all around the block even when y'all are being standoffish shrews.

Well, it can happen... that you like more than just one girl in a group. A male friend of mine liked 2 girls who happened to be really close between eachother. He waited long enough to understand which one of them he liked the most, then asked her out. But, hey, that's your choice. Honestly, I have to say that if I was one of those 8 eight girls, I'd find it hard to believe that you like 7/8 girls out of 15, and even if it was true I wouldn't wanna go out with you. I wouldn't find you like a very trustworthy person. No offence of course! I understand from your words that's not the case, but if I didn't know you at all that's what I would think about you.

Girls need to stop focusing on "perfect" and realize that life is messy. A guy may have to ask out a bunch of girls if he ever hopes to have a relationship or sex. If this seems unsavory to girls, that's because girls aren't attuned to the reality of guys' lives. We don't have girls come to us asking us to go out. We have to cast a wide net in order to be successful, as many of the guys here have noted.

And yes, I do like about half of my female friends. What's wrong with that? First of all, they're my friends, so I already know that we get along. Second, I think they're physically attractive. No, they're not models, but I'm a realistic guy. One of them is about 5'6" and 170 lbs, but I think she's hot. I'm not like girls who insist on having a guy who meets every criteria on their 100-point lists. If the girl is nice and fun and interests me physically, I'm down. I'd rather be having fun and sex with a less-than-perfect girl than waiting around aimlessly for Kate Upton.

What if it was a girl who asked a looot of guys out or wanted to be promiscuous with many of them? What would you (and everyone) think of her? You could accept to go out with her and maybe have sex with her but she wouldn't be girlfriend material to your eyes... not at the beginning at least (we are just talking about your first reaction when a girl/guy asks you out). I'm not trying to say that by asking many girls out you will be a player, I'm saying that you will look like one to the eyes of a girl who doesn't know you.I understand that it's not easy for men to be almost always the ones approaching the other sex, I really get that it can be hard and frustrating, but as a old school girl my thoughts on the subject are these. I don't go out for sex, but there are many girls who do it and they probably wouldn't be bothered by the fact that you ask many girls out, but I would be. And I can assure that none of my female friends would accept your invitation.

First of all, I'm not asking girls out and getting a bunch of yeses and having a sex romp. I *have* to ask out a bunch of girls just to have a shot at getting a date. That being the case, how is it fair for girls to say that I must limit my social contacts based on some arbitrary standard? If I don't ask, I won't receive. It's that simple.

And as for a girl who did a lot of asking, that would never happen. If she did, she would get about 80% yeses and tons of sex. I get about 20% yeses and have never had sex. If a girl asked me out and I liked her, I would say yes regardless how many guys she'd been out with. I would do it just because she had the balls to ask me out and thought so much of me.

Many of the girls who are saying this about me *do* know me. They knew me when I was fat and never had dates, and they know me now. They teased me then for not having a gf or dates, and apparently they look down on me for having more contacts now.

I think you're trying to rush things too much. I haven't had a boyfriend till I was 18, but I didn't start asking everyone out. It's honestly sad to see that people have come to this just to get some dates or some sex. But you're right, it's not fair for someone else to tell you how you should socially behave. What I'm saying is that it's normal for girls who want a serious relationship to accept invitations from guys that seem trustworthy and boyfriend material and I don't think that's the idea they would get from you *if they didn't know you*. Your "friends" probably don't understand you at all.It might be unfair but society judges everything and we are all part of it. Even you must have judged someone in the past, it's pretty normal and inevitable sooner or later. Now it's your choice, will you continue creating this "reputation" of yourself (considering also the other girls' answers) or will you listen to women's opinion? That's up to you. We gave you our advice.

I'm grateful for your input, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with it or follow it to the letter. Think about things from my perspective: I'm 22, I've never had sex, and I've never had a girl ask me out. If I follow the advice of girls and only ask out one girl a year who I know really well, I'll likely be alone the rest of my life and die a virgin. If I follow my path, I may incur the wrath of certain girls, but I'll get a lot more sex and eventually find a girl who really wants to be with me. That's not a difficult choice.

Girls aren't entitled to have everything their way. Guys have needs too. Maybe some girls will reject me thinking that I'm a player, but they're hurting themselves as well in the process. Do you really think the guy you marry will show up at your door as a pure Vestal Virgin? People come with baggage, girls included. Most girls have had plenty of sex. Are they unclean because of this? No, no more so than I'm a jerk for trying to find a girlfriend.

When someone asks you out, you want to be the ONLY girl he asks out! Girls want to feel like she is the only girl to you! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa14VNsdSYM) Especially if the other girls you ask out are their friendss..

So you're saying that if I know a group of 7 girls who are all friends, I can only ask out one of them during my entire life? That makes no sense. People like who they like. Besides, girls flirt and text with multiple guys all the time. One of my female friends showed me her phone the other day and she had 4 different guys texting her all day. Guys like to feel special too, but girls don't worry about that when they're dating around, so why should we?

Depends on how close you have been with this girl you asked out. If you guys really dated I would ask the girl who asked out in the first place if there is a problem with you asking a friend of hers out. If you never dated at all and she didn't want to go out, first wait a while because as I said, it is just weird to ask a girl out right after you asked a different girl out. That would seem like you didn't care for the first girl in the first place and that would make you seem like a douche. So just wait a couple of weeks before you ask out another girl. Not like 7 days after you asked the first girl out. Also, know who you are going to ask out because not all girls are what they seem like.

My thing is, if I ask a girl out and she rejects me, I have no obligation to tip-toe around her. She blew me off, but she doesn't own me. I'm not required to go into mourning and hide in my room for the next week. It's not right of girls to think that guys owe them some major courtesy when they're not even dating. I get the feeling that girls would be happy if I remained celibate forever because it would make them feel a sense of power over me.

You don't want to know a woman's opinion, you want the security of people who agree with you. If that is the case, I will say no more because as I can read from the comments, you are not looking for advise but for conformation that is alright and then there is no reasoning with you. I am saying what I am saying from a woman point of view and I am only saying this because not only shouldn't you take feelings light hearted, you should also ask yourself if it is the right thing to ask many girls out at once. I understand it bootes your self esteem is more than one says yes, but it also lowers the value of that invite to much lower if you were to ask out just one. Sure if you can get over a person as quick as you say, go ahead and ask them girls out. But you shouldn't show interest in someone you don't have a emotional connection with unless you say you just 'want to get to know them better'. Girls won't have any high expectation and won't value you as much if you ask several girls out.

It seems like if you had things your way, I would take my rejections and sulk off to brood in my loserdom for at least 6 months. How would you feel if I told you that girls shouldn't be allowed to talk to more than one guy every 6 months?

Developing feelings for girls by waiting around to get to know them is the best way to get thrown in the friend zone. Guys have to move quickly or lose out. Trust me, I've been there too many times. And asking out girls is not an exercise to boost my self-esteem. I get mostly "nos" from girls, so my self-esteem takes a hit, if anything. But girls don't understand that because they don't have to do the asking. As much as you claim I don't understand the female perspective, I would say that you fail to understand the male perspective. In fact, it seems that girls mostly just want things to go right for themselves and their egos, something the mho elucidated very well.

Sure girls like when guys approach them but if the guy approaches multiple girls at the same time, she doesn't feel special, just one of the multiple girls.Also desperately wanting a gf repels girls. It is unattractive.

Noooo, I'm not a player at all. I'm the opposite, the fat guy who couldn't get a date who's trying to turn his social life around. What girls don't realize is that average guys like me either ask out a bunch of girls (which is really hard for me) or we remain alone. I'm tired of not having a gf, so my only choice is to ask out a bunch of girls. I have to ask a lot just to get one yes because I'm not considered to be a top 10% guy.

You don't have to be top 10% guy but you gotta go for girls that are "in your league"

And I'm not saying you were a player, but if you flurt with multiple girls and ask many girls out, you might seem like a player. And is it really good to be obsessed about dating a girl and dwsperately trying to get dates and attention from girls? Girls don't want a guy who is desperate and always looking for a gf

If guys weren't constantly trying to flirt and ask girls out, there would be no dating. Girls certainly aren't going to initiate. So I have two choices: ask a bunch of girls out, or remain alone. How can I be a player when I was fat and dateless my first two years of college. As I see it, I'm just trying to catch up with everyone else. How is wanting to have a gf desperation? That's a negative way to view a positive thing. So I guess every girl getting married or planning a wedding is gross and desperate because she wants to be a wife.

And I don't focus on the top 10% of girls at all. The last girl I asked out complained that she hadn't been asked out in over a year. What I'm saying is that girls focus on the top 10% of guys, though.

True dat. Most girls don't initiate. I, for an example will not initiate before the guy has clearly shown he is interested. It desperate you think you have to ask out bunch of girl to get a girlfriend because that is your main goal, wanting a gf. Do you just ask random girls out or do you actually try to get to know them first?

Planning on a wedding usually has little to do with actually wanting to be a wife. It is more about tge party itself so bad comparison.

Girls do not focus on top 10% of guys. I forgot to mention that girls don't like bitter guys who try to blame others for their own misery.

You were fat und unpopular. WERE. Stop clinging on that. People change, loners can bwcome players and vice versa. And AGAIN. I did nog say you are a player BYR SOME GIRLS MIGHT TGINK YOU ARE because you flirt and ask multiple girls out at the same time.

"Girls do not focus on top 10% of guys. I forgot to mention that girls don't like bitter guys who try to blame others for their own misery."

Where did I blame anyone for anything? Please point that out because I don't see what you're talking about. Fact is, I'm proactive about my situation. Girls sit back and talk down to guys telling us to work on ourselves and take risks, and the minute I do those things, I get labeled as a wannabe player and desperate. How can I be a player when I'm a 22 and never had sex?

Yes, I get to know girls a little before I ask them out. Problem is, guys who wait too long to ask out usually get friendzoned. So we're damned if we do, and damned if we don't. And girls wonder why so many guys stop caring about what they think.

Lol you still don't get. Girls don't know you. They don't know youvused to be overweight. They don't know you are a virgin. But people make assumptions based or rumors and what they see. So if girl hears that this asked like 10 different girls out and flirts with 10 more, she is going to ASSUME you are a player.

You are obviously going for stupid or stuck up girls, or your social skills are not very great if no girl ever gets interested in you.

Let me poikt out where you are blaming others:"Girls sit back and talk down to guys telling us to work on ourselves and take risks, and the minute I do those things, I get labeled as a wannabe player and desperate"" Problem is, guys who wait too long to ask out usually get friendzoned. So we're damned if we do, and damned if we don't. And girls wonder why so many guys stop caring about what they think."

You see? You are always blaming girl for your misery. You say you have gobe for many many girls. Well maybe, just maybe it's not the girls, but you. Maybe there is something wrong with you. Maybe because you were insecure and not very popular you don't have that great social skills. You can work on that.

Most important thing is that you stop acting like a victim. Stop being bitter and stop complaining because that is a turn off

You're doing what most girls do when they get called out on their double standards, you're blaming the messenger.

And I'm not blaming girls for my "misery" lol. It's funny how you make me sound like some character from Kafka. I don't blame girls at all for saying "no" to my advances. That's their prerogative, after all. What I blame girls for is the perpetuation of double standards, i. e. if you don't ask out girls you're a loser, but if you ask out too many girls you're also a loser. It's an absurd Catch-22. But your response to this is to blame me for pointing out your foibles.

As far as there being something wrong with me, well, there's pretty much something wrong with everybody. Dating is just a matter of finding someone whose issues don't completely put you off.

There's nothing wrong with my social skills. I have lots of friends, especially female friends, so girls enjoy hanging out with me casually. But even average girls seem to believe they're above dating average guys.

Most guys at my school don't have gfs. They maybe have casual sex here and there but no one is in a couple. The girls I know who are with guys are usually with guys they've known from out of school or with older guys who already have careers. They seem to think that guys in school are all immature and not interested in a real relationship. They believe this because the guys they focus on tend to be the players, and they make the mistake of extrapolating player behavior out to all guys. Hence the "why are all guys such heartless jerks" questions I get from female friends.

Welcome to the world buddy. It's full of double standards. Both genders are to blame for each and every double standard. We keep them alive.

I never said you are a loser if you ask girls out. I only said some girls may think you are a player and sone of those girl who think that dislike that type of guys. I also never said that guys whl dln't girls out are losers. Only those who constantly complain are losers.

You sounded like you were blaming other people. Propably because you were complaining. But seriously, it is your life. Ask girls out or don't. You choose. Other people think what they think and complaining about their opinions isn't going to change shit.

Yeah, I live in the world, but thanks for the heads up. Somehow it's okay for guys to be on the sh*t end of a double standard, but when it's women, it's an issue of national import. Ah, see, yet another double standard...

Well, I'm starting to understand why more experienced guys stop caring about girls' feelings. Girls want us to care about them and not judge them based on arbitrary nonsense, but then they turn around and do the exact same stuff to guys. I've always sympathized with my female friends over their guy troubles, yet they're the ones whispering things about me asking out too many girls. It feels like they'd prefer to keep me as the fat, harmless pet who gave them attention rather than see me actually have the satisfaction of a real relationship.

I disagree with your opinion that complaining "isn't going to change shit." Without complaining, women wouldn't be allowed to vote, segregation would still be law, and workers would have 14-hour workdays.

Well that is true. But complaining here won't do shit. I agree that guys face a lot of problems in today's society. And it is unfair. Being at the shit end of double standard isn't okay for anyone.

But seriously you sound like a frickin 15 teenaged girl complaining why she didn't get an iphone 5. If you want to be seen as someone who is overweight and a pet, gain weight and shut up. But if you want someone nice to share an intimate relationship with, stop constant complaining, stop being bitter, and don't desperately look for a gf. If you are unhappy now, I doubt a gf will change that.

That's a total staw man argument. Who says I'm unhappy? I'm privileged enough to be a student at a private university, so life's pretty good for me. Yet somehow you conflate wanting a girlfriend with a state of Zola-esque misery. Whatever. You see what you want to see, facts be damned.

People like you need to stop telling others to shut up when they have the temerity to point out issues in society. All that does is make you part of the problem.

No, I got your message, I just don't care for it. Your message is, if I ask out more than one girl a year, I'm a creeper. If I ask out more than one girl from a given ZIP code, I'm a creeper. If I try to find a girlfriend with anything more than casual effort, I'm a desperate loser. The very fact that I want a gf also makes me a desperate loser. And if I ask out more girls than the arbitrary number set in the Giant Book of Female Propriety, then I'm an untouchable whose visage should be plastered on every post office wall in America.

What you don't see is that your advice is all very self-serving to the agenda of girls. You guys really don't like that guys have agency, that we don't necessarily have to pine in agony over any one of you who rejects us. Y'all want more than anything to maintain the power of rejection over guys, which is why girls refuse to ask guys out.

So why would I buy into advice that would be so detrimental to my personal fulfillment?

No, you totally mussed the point. You seem to hate girls and everything we say, you twist so it sounds like we are just stupid, shallow bullies who don't unerstand anything.

You are a desperate loser if you no.1 goal in life is to find a gf. And before it sounded like that is how it is for you. I don't understand wheee you got tgat "creeper" part because I never said anything about creepers. Right now you are putting words in ny mouth and twisting my words to make yourself feel better.

Well boohoo, that is our current society. Guys are expected to ask girls out and girls are expected to stay a virgin or they are sluts. It is not a perfect world. We should work together and try to change all these double standards but blaming the other gender for everything is going to bring more anger and hatred and keep things the way they are.

So you don't have to do anything I say, obviously. But don't get surprised if girls think you are a player after being on your 414th date.

I didn't "twist" anything you wrote. You wrote that "it doesn't look good" (whatever that means) in your OP. Essentially, you said exactly what I enumerated, that guys must follow some strict rite of dating etiquette known only to girls. If we violate it, we get labeled accordingly.

As I get older I lose a little bit of sympathy for people every year. I've always made better friends with girls, but I can see now that girls are just as manipulative and vile as guys can be. Y'all rail against slut shaming and body elitism coming from guys while you perpetuate all your own bs right back against us. Y'all have very little sympathy for our challenges. You claim that you want guys to ask you out, but God help us if we ask too many, like we're supposed to repent to the Mother Superior if we don't follow your rules. Whatever. You all have your agenda, and I have mine. I'm not going to castrate myself to make any girl feel better about herself.

I don't hate girls, I just see their flaws more now than I used to. Girls are no more pure or deserving of sympathy than guys, even though society acts like they are. That said, I want more than anything to have a real relationship. Most girls my age don't seem to want that, though.

What Guys Said 7

I wouldn't worry about it, as long as you're not leading anyone on or just like running up numbers. If anyone says 'you ask a lot of girls out' just say yeah, there are lots of girls who seem nice and i want to get to know to see if there's potential for more, i'm looking for a good relationship and want someone who wants the same and where we're a good match'.

Nothing to apologize for. They may suspect you're just trying to screw as many girls as possible, if you say you're looking for something serious and want the right one, that's a plus, not a minus.

Problem is, I go to a small college where there aren't that many girls. Why should it matter if one girl I ask out knows another? Girls file this under "creepy," a label that's totally arbitrary.

What gets me is that it seems like the top 10% of guys are dating the top 20% of girls, and the rest of everyone else is perpetually single. Average girls seem to think they're above dating average dudes.

Well, my situation is different because I go to a college with slightly less than 3000 students. Word travels fast here, which is why guys who have sex with lots of girls eventually have to start dating outside the school.

Are you just randomly asking out any girl? That probably won't work, especially if you're just doing it to keep others from thinking you're a loser. It's not genuine and it's kind of pathetic. You need to build some kind of attraction between you and a girl first before you ask her out...