Good Career Move

So Rachelle Lefevre got kicked off the Twilight series. And a stunned world mourns.

I actually don’t know too much about it. I’ll never read the books, and as far as watching the movie goes, all I hear is “Oh good Lord, DON’T!” which is never a glowing recommendation. What I understand about this pop culture phenomenon is that it’s vampire porn for 13-year-old Mormon girls who are still too young to handle a Buffy season set. I saw an interview with the author, Stephenie Meyer, and all I could think was “Wow, she’s such a geek, she makes Anne Rice look like Harper Lee.” Since then, I’ve kind of avoided it all and haven’t regretted ignoring the whole multi-media experience for one second.

I did take notice of the scheduling conflict dispute that got Rachelle the boot, though. Rachelle’s a local kid. I’ve worked with many Montreal actors of that generation on various shows, and it’s always fun seeing what they get up to as their careers progress. Ah, there’s Jamie Elman doing a scene with Gary Sinise on CSI: Some Damn City Somewhere. And there’s Ross Hull anchoring the Weather Channel, poor bastard. And there’s wee little Ricky Mabe, all grown up and being strap-on-dildo ass-fucked by Traci Lords in the new Kevin Smith film.

I never worked with Rachelle. I almost worked with Rachelle, back when she was in Big Wolf on Campus. But then all my material got tossed away because I had no produced credits yet and wasn’t in the union. Sweet memories. Oh, how I don’t miss those days at all.

But now, after making it big playing some redheaded vampire chick in a movie I can’t bear the thought of sitting through, she’s throwing it all away to come back to Montreal and shoot ten days on Barney’s Version. Good career move. Not only will she get to work with people like Dustin Hoffman and Paul Giamatti, but she gets to bail on the third angst-ridden brooding high-school vampire douchbag flick. Everyone thought the first movie blew, so by the third in the series the box office should be collecting tumbleweeds.

What does Rachel Lefevre need with silly schoolgirl vampire crushes anyway? She’s already a huge star. I know this because she was featured on TMZ a couple of months ago in a does-the-carpet-match-the-drapes moment outside her home in L.A. Apparently her doggie needed a whiz early one morning, so she took him out in her bathrobe. Prowling paparazzi plus untimely breeze plus flimsy garment equals photo op. You get the picture. And if you don’t, it’s probably somewhere in TMZ’s archives.

Surprise celebrity nudity is also, incidentally, a good career move. These days you haven’t really made it in showbiz until someone has immortalized your inadvertently exposed Brazilian wax job in the tabloids, or absconded with the secret sex tape you thought was safely hidden away from the migrant workers renovating your Malibu beach house.

Speaking of which…another good career move is handing in your feature screenplay in time to make your contractual deadline. Which is exactly what I just did today with Sex Tape. Now to consider other projects. There’s this epic biopic I’ve been considering… Stay tuned.

Infinitely scarier than any of those school-kid fang-faces from Twilight.Plus he’s better at math.