Anxiety caused by Silent Treatment?

If you read my PP, my BIL (brother-in-law) went off on me via text after I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday. The answer was Nothing, have dinner with his parents instead. He then went off on how Father’s Day was BS (I took DH (dear husband) away for weekend and we saw FIL (father-in-law) weekend after), we treat his parents like garbage, etc. He hung up on DH (dear husband) and that was it, in June.

I’d say I’ve been the BH but there’s been nothing TO respond to. He hasn’t reached out. Instead, when I speak with MIL (mother-in-law) she will say things like “have you considered inviting BIL (brother-in-law) or are you not ready for that YET?” Or DH, who apparently isn’t angry at BIL (brother-in-law) but respects that I don’t want to see or talk about him until at least January. I feel like I’m in a holding pattern and waiting for something to happen and have for months. It’s causing me a TON of stress/anxiety - and not cause anyone is bringing it up (MIL did once, and I told DH (dear husband) to tel her to stay out of it).

I feel like everyone thinks I’m having a snit and are waiting for me to get over it. Including BIL. He apparently apologized to DH (dear husband) when he ran into him but not to me. And I don’t want to have a relationship with someone thrhjbks it’s ok to go off on me and then not even speak to me for four months. It makes me angry to think about, and I do think about it. Probably daily. And I can’t stop. I don’t know why.

Yes, I’m looking into individual counseling (already doing couples therapy) to reduce anxiety etc, but has anyone gone through this? I feel like telling BIL (brother-in-law) off would help immensely, not to fix anything but to stand up for myself and make ME feel better. this is seriously affecting my work, and I can’t sleep at night. That can’t be normal.

Yep doesn’t really do anything for me. I feel like I actually have to “do” something. Waiting for months with nothing going on doesn’t seem to be helping.

edit. I think part of this is I think he’s getting away with it. From what he said to DH (dear husband) he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I know I can’t change that and I know nothing I say or do will help so maybe that’s the problem, I feel powerless here? I don’t know.

2nd edit. Also MIL (mother-in-law) comment bothers me because it feels like this is on ME to fix. It’s not. I know she only heard his side and I don’t want to involve her so telling her to stay out of it is the way to go, but it bugs me that everyone thinks I’M true problem here. I know I shouldn’t care but I do.

Tell off your BIL, and here's what you'll accomplish - Nothing. Except give him the satisfaction of knowing he's still got a chunk of your headspace.

Besides, it's not jerkboy's silent treatment that's really bothering you, OP. It's the fact that the man you share a bed with isn't angry with his brother for the shitty way he treated you. And I don't blame you one damn bit.

--

Everything happens for a reason. And sometimes, the reason is that you make really bad decisions.

I know we "always" say the problem is your husband here.... But the problem is your husband.
If he had stuck up for you, defended you, called his brother out for not apologizing and now ignoring you, protected you, and wasn't circling like a vulture for you to finish your little snit, then you wouldn't be laying awake at night.

The fact is these are his people, he is the reason you're exposed to them. And if you were confident knowing he was on your side, you wouldn't feel this way.

I know we "always" say the problem is your husband here.... But the problem i...

Posted
10/04/2018

I know we "always" say the problem is your husband here.... But the problem is your husband.
If he had stuck up for you, defended you, called his brother out for not apologizing and now ignoring you, protected you, and wasn't circling like a vulture for you to finish your little snit, then you wouldn't be laying awake at night.
The fact is these are his people, he is the reason you're exposed to them. And if you were confident knowing he was on your side, you wouldn't feel this way.

But he’s not angry. Even in therapy he doesn’t get angry. He said he supports me and he agrees we won’t spend Xmas with his family (HUGE for him) but I can’t make him get angry. I don’t know if he’s even capable of it (I truly can’t recall an instance of where he was mad, at anyone).

He gets annoyed but figures that’s just his brother expressing his feelings, and he has stuff going on, and while he’s agreed not to rug sweep I don’t think he truly understands. I don’t know how to make him.

But he’s not angry. Even in therapy he doesn’t get angry. He said he supp...

Posted
10/04/2018

But he’s not angry. Even in therapy he doesn’t get angry. He said he supports me and he agrees we won’t spend Xmas with his family (HUGE for him) but I can’t make him get angry. I don’t know if he’s even capable of it (I truly can’t recall an instance of where he was mad, at anyone).

He gets annoyed but figures that’s just his brother expressing his feelings, and he has stuff going on, and while he’s agreed not to rug sweep I don’t think he truly understands. I don’t know how to make him.

He doesn't have to get angry. He has to protect you from his awful brother and family. I can't even imagine what my husband would do if someone in his family talked to me like that. There would be hell to pay. My kids and I would never see BIL (brother-in-law) again. It is too late for an apology, especially because he won't mean it.

ETA: You have to let this go. Who cares if he thinks he won or did nothing wrong. He loses because he never gets to see you or the kids again. Not at holidays and not at family functions.

He isn't angry because he's never really seen himself as separate from his brother. Or mother. Or father. He may well be a married, established professional with children of his own, but it doesn't appear he ever really made the transition to independent adult.

Look back over your own BG, OP. I'm seeing a guy who would still prefer to spend Christmas mornings with Mommy and Daddy, traipsing about in his footie pajamas instead of playing Santa to his own kids.

--

Everything happens for a reason. And sometimes, the reason is that you make really bad decisions.

Any suggested responses to MIL (mother-in-law) if she brings it up again? Tell her to just stay out of it, or tell her BIL (brother-in-law) burned that bridge and invites will no long er be forthcoming?

But he’s not angry. Even in therapy he doesn’t get angry. He said he supp...

Posted
10/04/2018

But he’s not angry. Even in therapy he doesn’t get angry. He said he supports me and he agrees we won’t spend Xmas with his family (HUGE for him) but I can’t make him get angry. I don’t know if he’s even capable of it (I truly can’t recall an instance of where he was mad, at anyone).

He gets annoyed but figures that’s just his brother expressing his feelings, and he has stuff going on, and while he’s agreed not to rug sweep I don’t think he truly understands. I don’t know how to make him.

I don't agree that he needs to be angry. I also don't get visibly angry nor let my disappointment about things that are wrong eat me up. That's giving other people control over my life.

BIL (brother-in-law) is an ass, DH (dear husband) is supporting you by respecting your choice not to invite him into your life. He doesn't have to have and display the emotional reaction you want so long as he's doing that.

When you say you feel like he got away with it, it sounds like you're upset that you don't see him upset. You need to let go of that. He can be happy or sad, show his reaction or not - that's his choice. All you can control is you, not him.

--

"Anyways, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive”

He isn't angry because he's never really seen himself as separate fro...

Posted
10/04/2018

He isn't angry because he's never really seen himself as separate from his brother. Or mother. Or father. He may well be a married, established professional with children of his own, but it doesn't appear he ever really made the transition to independent adult.

Look back over your own BG, OP. I'm seeing a guy who would still prefer to spend Christmas mornings with Mommy and Daddy, traipsing about in his footie pajamas instead of playing Santa to his own kids.

Not necessarily. There are many ways to respond, not all of us get angry. I make a response, and I don't usually get angry. I prefer action to emotion. BIL (brother-in-law) is not being invited, and that's done.

I could be projecting - but my husband does this - gets upset because I'm not upset. Can't say I like it. I don't have to have the same emotions as he does.

--

"Anyways, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive”

This Internet site provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use.

This site is published by BabyCenter, L.L.C., which is responsible for its contents as further described and qualified in the Terms of Use.

You are passing a message to a BabyCenter staff member.
For the fastest help on community guidelines violations, please click 'Report this' on the item you wish the staff to review.
For general help please read our Help section or contact us.