Tuesday, November 24, 2015

I have to swallow my pride and do this. I know many of you have approached me asking to help, but I have turned down all donations because I was taught this is deeply shameful.

I was always taught to earn things by myself through hard work, but I just cannot seem to catch a break. Everything just keeps getting worse. I cannot seem to stop the slide. The job I have taken that was to rescue me actually made things worse by not covering moving costs. I am literally working myself back onto the streets.

The last two years have been a nightmare I just cannot seem to wake up from.

To be honest I have tried to end my life several times under this pressure, out of shame, out of hopelessness. The situation looks impossible. My industry has shut down here, and being transgender makes getting work difficult overseas, plus I am loathe to leave my son behind- he lives in Canberra with my family. I had to move a nine hour drive away for work.

Last week, I gave up. It was too hard. I rang emergency services because I was suicidal, the police that came where, unfortunately, transphobic. Rather than helping me and getting me the attention I needed to save my life, they taunted me, inflamed the situation, and when I tried to end my life on the spot they drove me to the ground, hand cuffed me and, unbelievably, peppersprayed me: an unarmed woman begging for help. It isn't like in the films... pepperspray is an agonizing ordeal that lasts hours. After processing (for, get this, assaulting a police officer) I was finally dumped, blinded (no contact lenses left) outside the police station- still with no help. Having called for help to save my life, they made it immeasurably worse. This is the transphobia I had heard about, but only have just now encountered first hand. I don't have words to describe how horrible things have been.

So, with great shame I have come to a point where I have to admit that cannot survive without charity. I have the means and skills to get myself out of the hole but large ticket items are standing in my way and I just cannot get to a point where I can cover those costs. My PC's are dead and so I cannot freelance or get to my showreel to get a VFX job... however someone kindly donated a PC, so if I can ship them here to Melbourne from Sydney, I can switch the drives over and get back to business.

I need desperately to:

* Replace the contact lenses the police destroyed with the pepperspray. - I cannot afford to lose another contact lens. I need to see to work.

* Get my hormone levels checked and my estrogen implant replaced. It should have been removed months ago.

* Ship up my belongings to Melbourne, allowing me to transplant my HDDs to the old PC friends donated to me (♥), and get my ability to freelance and my showreel back online. This will also gives me kitchen utensils, bedding, art materials and restore me to a functioning household. Currently I have to eat out for every meal- it is killing me both financially and having to eat junk to keep costs down. Once I have my stuff and a pc I can ebay a lot of my collection off to raise funds.

* Cover my rent over the Xmas period when the industry shuts down and there are zero jobs (I am looking at retail jobs to cover myself but a 40 year old transgender woman is pretty unlikely to find one... still, fingers crossed).

And hopefully if I can raise enough...

* Travel to Canberra to see my son for X-Mas. I want to be there for his first Christmas.

* Fix a damaged tooth before it becomes a serious problem.

*Pay for proper therapy to manage the stress of my situation.

* Bring my credit card debt I ran up whilst I was sick and unemployed down as much as possible to stop the cycle of fees and interest charges eating my income. My moratorium ends in December.

* Pay upkeep on my business websites to keep my folio online. Get Darkling back up to where I can make sales again.

Have no Idea what a gofundme is but willing to look into it for you. I could also direct deposit and or even do a money order from the post office. Obviously would need your details either way your call. But I will look up what gofundme is tonight Thursday regards Chris

Hi. Just a quick note of support from a 40-something UK-based transwoman recently getting back into mini-painting. I hope things improve, and will try and send you a little something when I get paid on Friday.

Hey there - one of those "Melbourne" types here. I've put the word out on Facebutt and Twitter, where I have many friends who either are trans, or who know things and people. Can you email me: Reynardo at Gmail dot com with what suburb you're in now?

Thank you everyone, the response has been amazing. I didn't realize just how much this blog means to people. Thank you all. I cry every day thinking about how good this experience has been.

Thanks to your generosity, I have paid for my contact lenses, meds, endocrinologist is booked and now have one months bond and rent set aside. I have had a laptop donated (just need internet to get software), two plane tickets so I can see my son at xmas and am on my way to being able to afford shipping up my stuff/storage for when it gets here. I doubt at this stage that I will be able to afford legal defense against the police that peppersprayed and (lets call a spade a spade) essentially tortured me, but feelers are out for an LGBTIQA lawyer who can do pro bono or part payment. At the least, it will give me wiggle room to set up my business in some form again- such as getting a P.O box and replacement software. This has really shown me the power of crowd sourcing (and restored my faith in human kindness)- so I am inclined towards kicking off Darkling /Skulldred properly via a kickstarter. X

I'm pleased to hear that everything's turning around for you and look forward to more miniature goodness from you. Your blog was one of the things that helped convince me to get myself back into mini-painting, so I'll certainly be keeping an eye out for future Darkling news and will gladly pledge to a Kickstarter if you did one.

I can´t sadly help you with money as I myself don´t have much but I want to send you some word anyway. And that´s never give up! They are bad people and idiots all over the place but you can also find good honest people that meens well. You are a wonderful person, don´t let anyone say something else and you will make it and come out on the other side much happier then ever before. Keep fightning, but you don´t need to do that alone.

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