How Kanye West Reacted to News of Jay-Z’s Magna Carta Album, and Other Imagined Celebrity Connections

Each week, we look at the biggest celebrity news—and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted. Join us in the car with the Jolie-Pitt kids, at Subway with Jonah Hill, and in the hospital with Kanye West.

John Mayer releases “Paper Doll,” a new single that seems—what with itssartorialandnumerologicalreferences—quite clearly to have been written about ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift.

Jennifer Love Hewitt calls her personal trainer as she blends a smoothie. “Listen, just hear me out . . . I really think Johnny—I always called him Johnny—wasn’t talking . . . I mean, I wore a mint-green dress on our, like, third date, and he told me I looked hot in it and gave me this little slap on my ass . . . I’m just sayin’!”

World War Z—featuring a cameo from Maddox Jolie-Pitt, in which he gets shot multiple times—opens in theaters.

Maddox, Shiloh, and Knox sit in the back seat of a town car, waiting for an assistant to bring them McDonald’s. Knox looks enviously in Maddox’s direction. (Maddox is preoccupied sending Snapchats.)

“It’s soooo cool you got to be in the movie,” Knox fawns.

Shiloh whips around. “He’s in it for, like, a second, Knox. And all he does is get shot. His part could have been played by a turtle.”

She turns her head to stare out the window and puts on her Google Glasses.

Britney’s manager brings Britney two Smurf figurines. “They sent these over for the boys.”

“Why would I give them these scary, naked blue man dolls?”

“These are Smurfs, Britney,” he tells her, but by now she’s fixated on a small piece of dust floating from the table to the ground.

The trailer for The Wolf of Wall Street—the Scorsese film starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill—hits the Internet.

Jonah Hill gets to the front of the line at Subway and orders a sandwich.

“Hey,” the guy making his sandwich says, “I saw that Wall Street trailer on Facebook this morning. Looks awesome.”

“Thanks,” Jonah says, blushing slightly. “Working with Marty and Leo was really an honor and privilege.”

“So what’s your character? Like, a car salesman? A clown?”

Jonah clears his throat. “Uh, a little less salami, please.”

Katy Perry tells Vogue that Russell Brand informed her that he was divorcing her via text message.

Katy sits in the recording studio, finishing off a bag of Sour Patch Kids. She gets a text from her sister. “Hi! Just texting to say . . . I’m divorcing you! LOLOL!” Katy smiles, but she tosses her phone on the ground instead of texting back. She takes the two remaining Sour Patch Kids—one orange, one purple—and smushes them together into a gelatinous ball. She regards her creation for a few moments and then, in a flash, swallows it.

Jay-Z announces Sunday night—via a three-minute Samsung commercial—that he’s going to be releasing a new album, Magna Carta Holy Grail, in a few weeks.

Kanye and Scott Disick sit in a waiting room at Cedars-Sinai near Kim Kardashian’s suite.

Scott’s ranting: “It’s crazy, man! He does this two days before your album drops!!? The same weekend your daughter’s born!?!” His voice gets higher-pitched as he goes on. “And you have to listen to it on a Samsung phone?! What, is this 1987?!?!?! And how’d he come up with that title? Mad Libs: Douche Deluxe Edition?!?!?!”

Kanye’s gaze remains locked on the ground. “Vanish,” he whispers, and, like a trained dog, Scott immediately scurries down the hall.

Selma Blair leaves Anger Management after she complains about Charlie Sheen’s work ethic on set.

Selma pulls into her driveway and sighs. She opens her glove compartment and takes out a Snickers bar. She had placed it there over a year ago, the day before the first Anger Management table read. She looks at the Post-It note attached to it: “You can do this, Selma. It’s just a job. This will be your reward.” Her eyes start to well up as she slowly unwraps the bar.

Instagram announces that they’ll be introducing video.

Miley Cyrus calls her assistant. “I need a blow-up doll, nine hot dogs, a trampoline, seven buckets of ice, a dartboard, three live lizards, a Segway, and a megaphone. Now.”

Josh DuboffJosh Duboff is a VF.com staff writer, based in New York, who covers entertainment and culture.