Trouble Report From The Gussssb (Government Of The United States Secret Smithsonian Storage Building)

Basic Description of Problem: Found crate with the Ark of the Covenant in it. Now everyone’s dead.

Further Details: I just started here like a week ago, so I’m not sure if this is unusual or anything. I know Earl had been toying around with a shrink-ray he found like three months ago, and that seemed pretty bizarre at the time, but this goes way beyond that. I was sent to retrieve the original plans for the cotton gin for some Smithsonian event, but I accidentally opened this crate that had this weird chest in it. There were, like, these two golden angels with their wings touching on top of it and it was real heavy. I had the night-shift manager, Dave, help me unload the damn thing, which wasn’t even in the official registry. After we did some research on Google, we figured it was the Ark of the Covenant, or, like, the thing that holds the remains of the Ten Commandments, which Moses smashed after he got all pissed about something. I peeked in the thing and saw what looked like a storm cloud or something inside of it, so I put the top back on and said I was going on my lunch break. I just wanted to get the hell away from that thing and hoped Dave would put it away. But when I came back 45 minutes later, Dave’s face was all melted off and everyone in the warehouse had giant gaping holes through their chests. And that damn Ark of the Covenant was still just sittin’ there, looking all proper and ominous. I checked it out on Google again, and it looks like something called the “wrath of God” did this. So I decided to put it back in the crate and write up this trouble report. We should probably put this thing someplace a little safer. That’s my suggestion, at least. Could you also send in someone to clean up the dead bodies? They’re, like, all over.