August 18-24: Worst Week Ever!

Dr. Laura’s quitting! Apparently she said the N-word 11
times during her radio advice show (without any hate or malice). So
it’s great that this is what’s making her retire, not the
entire career full of comments she’s made about homosexuality being a
“biological disorder.” Here’s another classic: “A huge portion of the
male homosexual populace is predatory on young boys.”

THURSDAY AUG. 19

Amongst all the bleak news of today there was a very
intelligent sounding man calling around Delhi, telling people that they
had just won TWO MILLION DOLLARS, which they would receive after they
sent him $500. Oh, and they needed to call him back real quick, because
he was calling from out of the country. “It’s too good to be true!” you
must be thinking,“No one even entered any contest! Who would just give
out $2 million?” Well quit being so negative! Worse-case scenario
people send in the $500 and it’s a scam. But then they’ll be getting 2
million fucking dollars! $500 is just a drop in the bucket.

FRIDAY AUG. 20

T.O. released a letter today filled with hot air and
lies. For heaven’s sake, I’ll show you the first sentence alone: “Feb.
6, 2011 is now marked on my calendar with a big orange circle.” No it
isn’t. I’ve seen his calendar and there is literally no orange on it
anywhere. Then he goes and thanks Mike Brown and the Bengals “for
giving me another opportunity to play football.” Listen, I’ve heard
literally everything T.O. has said for the past eight years, and the
words “thank you Mike Brown and the Bengals” have not been said once.
How sincere can he be in this extremely public statement? And then this
whopper: “The Bengals are now my extended family and I look forward to
learning more about your city, teammates, coaches and you all.”
BULLSHIT, T.O.! Did you ever call me after I bumped into you in
Philadelphia two years ago? You were so friendly, and I felt like we
could have been such great friends! You took my number and everything.
You even smiled! “Let’s do dinner,”you said, “Let’s hang out and play some XBox.” Did we? No.

William Kenny just won a year's worth of free rides on
the Metro. There was an essay contest and the 96-year-old Kenny talked
about how he’d use the rides to continue volunteering 30 hours a week
in a soup kitchen. I’m not going to lie, I entered that contest and I
expected to win. I’m sorry, I have no pity for an old man who volunteers at a soup kitchen. I volunteerintern atCityBeat,
doing things that I should be paid for. But I’m not bitter. In all
honesty, I think the poem I submitted was better. You tell me who
should have gotten the pass: Metro/ I don’t like riding you/ But I
must/ So make it easy on me/ Make it free for a year/ I don’t make any
money/ Like the trees.

SUNDAY AUG. 22

Whenever I see the name Joey Votto I am refreshed. Not
only did he hit the tie-breaking homerun today, increasing his Triple
Crown chances, but he looked damn good doing it! You don’t see players
that look Italian anymore. 'Cause, I mean, wow. He’s really Italian
looking. He reminds me of Joe DiMaggio, or something. Now I’m trying to
think of other Italian-looking players and none are coming to me. Maybe
Elio Chacón?

MONDAY AUG. 23

You might not remember, but a little while ago a
Burlington, Ky. man was arrested for beating his kid over hopscotch. A
judge today dismissed the felony charges, which is insane. It shows
that our judicial system’s sense of morality is gone, and who knows,
maybe there’s some corruption. Because we all know what this is really about: blood diamonds.

TUESDAY AUG. 24

Today the police seized a tombstone filled with 50 pounds
of marijuana, en route from Jamaica to England. The first red flag went
up with a simple question: Who would ship a tombstone? From there the
concerns flowed easily. The tombstone was for “Delroy Senior,” the
absolute pinnacle of terrible fake names. The stone has most of the
words painted on, not engraved. And the nail in the coffin? They used
the tackiest gold color where there was engraving. Tsk tsk tsk. I guess
someone just really wanted to get (wait for it) stoned!