You Report, We Decide

BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUYThe game was entertaining enough, good job Green Bay. Now onto the important stuff: The commercials. They only count if they air during the game (kickoff-to-final gun, no halftime). I’ve thrown out the car ads, movie trailers and FOX promos and rated everything else that tried to be funny or cool. Ratings on a 10-point scale, 6 or above is funny, 5 and below is not. You can watch them all HERE and judge for yourself. I did it so you don’t have to, but don’t let that stop you.

First Half

Bud Light, “Hack job”: Kitchen renovation show adds only a sixer of Bud Light. Nice and simple to get us started. 6

Doritos, dog through door: A mean-spirited entry from Doritos. What was supposed to happen, the dog was going to crash headfirst into the door? And that was going to be funny? Instead the guy got crushed. Hilarious. 2

Chevy Cruze Eco, Old people argue over commercial: Good slant on the usual car-ad snoozers 7

Pepsi Max, dieter hassled by woman: Ends when a thrown soda can hits jogger in head and she collapses. Tee hee! That killed it 5

Bud Light, product placement in movie: funny 7

Chevy Silverado helps rescue kid: Stupid. Just plain stupid. 3

Pepsi Max, shooting cooler: Ow My Balls! Again, a soda can to the head. What will they think of next? 2

Doritos, bring grandpa back: They finally nailed one. 9

Kia Optima: A succession of powerful/supernatural/otherworldly entities keep stealing a Kia from each other. Almost not stupid. 5

Brisk, Eminem: Eminem doesn’t do commercials. But drinking Brisk brings so much street cred, he had to. 5

Bridgestone, reply all: Worth a chuckle. 6

goDaddy.co, Joan Rivers: If any one person goes on the web to see what happens next with the sexy Joan Rivers, they’ll be the only one. 1

Staples, flying electronic devices: A spot trying to be funny disguised as not trying to be funny. The disguise worked. 3

Bud, Tiny Dancer saloon: Worse the 2nd time I watched it. 2

Teleflora, “your rack is unreal”: His heart told him to 8

Motorola, Xoom: Another ad about the convoluted nonsense you could do with advanced technology but never will, complete with Orwellian mini-drama. Good job Madison Avenue, you really moved me. 2

Coca-Cola, animated dragon siege: I rolled my eyes when the Ice Dragon melted and there was a Coke in there. But quality animation and the benefit of the doubt for trying something interesting. 6

VW, Little Darth Vader starts car: Cute 6

Snickers, lumber yard: I was just wondering whether Snickers was going to make an appearance. They stuck with the same joke as last year’s Betty White version, but with Richard Lewis and Rosanne. Good enough 8

Career builder, monkey drivers in parking lot: Monkeys! 8

Chevy Cruze: The horrendous ad where the guy asks his car for a Facebook update after his date. They spent Super Bowl Ad Money to brand this vehicle as a $20,000 Facebook Machine. Ugh. 0

Carmax, Hippie in a drum circle. Funny enough 7

Halftime

After last year’s The Who debacle, I know the NFL wanted to bring the halftime show into the 21st century. Instead they landed in the 29th century. What the fuck was that? Who were those people in the lights? They scared me. Actually, the Black Eyed Peas were fine until they jumped the shark doing Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’Mine.” Do you think bringing in Slash was their idea or some network guy decided the Black Eyed Peas couldn’t carry an entire halftime without some white music? Then near the end they picked one of the stadium ushers to come onstage and dance during a song, which ended up being sorta neat because the guy they picked was actually a pretty good dancer and he must have been really excited.

Second Half

Cars.com let someone else go first: If this had been the first ad of the night, I probably would have given it a 7. Growing numb. 4

Best Buy, Ozzy/Bieber: I laughed. At the “Ozzy’s in the background” part, not the “kinda looks like a girl” part. 6

Mini Countryman, Cram it in the Boot: Seemed like they were going for some kind of double entendre there. 6

Homeaway.com vacation stealers. If your big punch line is a “test baby” slamming against a glass wall, try harder. 2

Hyundai, spirit animal: Whoa, trippy. 6

Groupon, Tibet: I liked the “They still whip up an amazing fish curry” line. But the rest of the spot left me cold as a slice of stale balep. And what of the poor Tibetans? 3

Coca-Cola, Border Guards: If only Al Queda liked soda. 2

Stella: Singer loves beer. Going for that arty thing. Try buying time on the Sundance Channel. Was that Al Pacino? 3

CarMax, ‘Ol-Timey customer service: A poor follow-up. 3

Chrysler, Detroit w/Eminem: It’s a good thing the Brisk “Eminem doesn’t do commercials” commercial came before this other Eminem commercial. 4

NFL, old TV clips. But wearing NFL gear. OK. 5

Cure Auto Insurance. Don’t call them, they went belly up after paying for this ad. 6

IPad/Xfinity. Haven’t I seen this spot before? All Super Bowl ads should be brand new, you are insulting my attention span. 0

Cure Auto Insurance. Still in business. For now. 6

Cars.com, talking cars: They should have gotten Tow Mater for this one. 6

Bud Light, dogs help at party: Good setup that went nowhere. 4

Hyundai Sonata, “settle for the first thing”: Clearly what the ad agency did. 4

Pepsi Max, “I wanna sleep with her”: At least he didn’t whack her in the head with a soda can. 7

Bridgestone, beaver: OK. I had to rewind this one a couple times to unravel the plot. Turns out the beaver almost kills the guy by felling a tree on the road in order to save him from the bridge that is about to be washed out by the flood, all because six months previously, the same driver had swerved to avoid plowing over the aforementioned beaver, the swerve having been enabled by his excellent Bridgestone tires. 3

goDaddy.com: This campaign is really played out. 1

VW Beetle: +2 for the use of Ram Jam classic “Black Betty”. 6

Mercedes-Benz: They pay Puffy-Puff-Puff-Junior Shabadoo (I assume they paid him…) to be in this ad but then don’t give him anything funny to say or do. Did he teleport to the gathering point? Definitely not buying a Mercedes-Benz now. 2

Chevy Something-or-other: This was the ad with the two guys talking about how they should make the car ad, and they employ every silly/stupid car ad cliché (driving through mirrors in the desert). Clever and very well done. 7

AND THE WINNER IS:Audi Prison Break. Sure, the Doritos ad with Grandpa got the biggest laugh, but it comes on the heels of two years of terrible Doritos ads. The Audi ad showed so much more effort. Honorable mention to the monkeys in the parking lot. How do they get those monkeys to drive cars? Incredible!

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