LPGA knows only how to speak language of money

PHILADELPHIA — It sure is great to live here in the land of the free, the home of the brave, and the greatest bastion of cultural diversity and tolerance on this fine Earth.

Bob Ford

PHILADELPHIA — It sure is great to live here in the land of the free, the home of the brave, and the greatest bastion of cultural diversity and tolerance on this fine Earth.

Just a few days ago, we extinguished the torch on a two-week smugathon during which we looked down our gently tipped noses at those baffling Chinese and their tireless insistence on social and political conformity.

Here in the good, old U.S. of A., we revel in our messy nonconformity — unless it happens to get in the way of making money, of course.

In the good, old L.P.G. of A., member golfers have been told, "No speakee English, no playee golf."

At a mandatory meeting before the Safeway Classic last week, the LPGA laid down the linguistic law. Beginning in 2009, players who have been on tour for at least two years and can't express themselves in basic English will be suspended until they can. Working on their short-answer game is just as important as their short game in the eyes of the LPGA. Officially, the tour's players agree.

"The bottom line is, we don't have a job if we don't entertain," Hilary Lunke, president of the Player Executive Committee, told Golfweek. "In my mind, that's as big a part of the job as shooting under par."

Now there's nothing wrong with any sport or team providing media training to its athletes, but there's something terribly wrong with a sport that feels the competitive performance is no more important than talking about the competitive performance.

South Koreans make up 45 of the 121 international players who are LPGA members. The LPGA money list has more Parks than the Department of the Interior.

"This is an American tour," Kate Peters, executive director on the LPGA State Farm Classic, told Golfweek. "It is important for sponsors to be able to interact with players and have a positive experience."

Give them points for honesty, anyway. The question is what comes next for a sport that values marketability over substance, and one that has always operated with an unspoken subtext that attractiveness is the cart path to success.

Will there be a required physique for the tour? Will there be a sexual-orientation requirement to appease those lusty sponsors?

Before long, once the South Korean players return from the LPGA's version of reeducation camps, everything should be just fine. Sponsors will be happy. Fans will be happy. The loud language of money will no longer be garbled in translation.