This Is Not a Shrimp: Extreme Snacking, Japan Style

Have you ever wandered the candy aisle of an Asian supermarket and wondered WTF is that? And who would eat it? We would, thats who. Welcome to the world of Japanese processed sweets, where a treat that looks like shrimp might just taste like nuts. Where potato is a candy, and chocolates look like gerbil pellets, and nothing is sacred, not even the packaging. So grab a fork and join us for some yam jelly.

Mark Mauer

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A cow, a bird and an angry duck

Mark Mauer

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Pink wheat

Mark Mauer

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Ol blue eyes

Mark Mauer

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The Insane Clown Posse of Japanese snacks

Mark Mauer

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A cracker with identity issues

TOHATO CARAMEL CORN

Mark: Lets start with something that looks pretty normal.

Gendy: And by normal he means a bag with eyes and a mouth like a bird, or a gopher. Like the bag is eating itself. Sweet but not too sweet. Slightly powdery. But in a good way.

Mark: Its good, but its probably because of the almond. His nose is an almond! It looks like shrimp, even though it doesnt have shrimp.

Gendy: They also had shrimp and ketchup-flavored ones.

SUPER LEMON

Gendy: This is the stuff you pour down the shower to make the clog go away. It looks like a jawbreaker or a gumdrop.

Mark (physically recoiling from his own mouth): Ouuwwhwuwhwwhwwwhhhhh! Oouwuwwhh!

Gendy: Reminiscent of logs you use to build a campfire. It tastes like bread! Whats wrong with the inside?

Mark: They taste better than they look. Its like eating packing material, like a very sweet Styrofoam. These would also be good giant novelty cigars. Amazon could use these when we order books.

CHOCOLATE IN BIRTH-CONTROL-PILL-SHAPED CONTAINER

Mark: Should we try the birth-control pills?

Gendy: Sure. Its called Furuta.

Mark: All right. Doesnt taste furut-y.

Gendy: Its like a weird M&M, but it comes in a foil blister pack Great, now I cant get pregnant.

Mark: It doesnt prevent STDs, though. Well, thats pretty boring. Someones going to a lot of trouble in packaging here for just an M&M clone.

MADE IN TAIWAN JELLIES

Gendy: Do we need a fork for these? They come in little clear, sealed plastic cups. No, seriously. Be careful when you open one  it squirts! Its like air, if air were solid. And wet. Its like solid, polluted air. Tastes terrible! Make it stop. Its like smog jelly.

Mark: Oh, it comes with a fork! Two forks! . . . Auuuugggh. I cant swallow it. Its so unpleasant. Wait ... this is the problem, it comes with a dipping sauce. Hmm. The dipping sauce looks like honey but tastes like a household cleanser. The number of chemicals Im ingesting all at once is making my head spin.

SOMETHING-C

Gendy: On the package is a cow, a bird, a horse and a very angry black duck. Theyre at an art party and theyre smoking cigars. Or theyre drinking the Something-C. Hard to tell which. Are we supposed to drop these in water? Do they fizz? They look like smaller versions of Alka-Seltzer tablets. Or very large aspirin. But very colorful. Oh, by the way, remember when we almost bought and drank seawater? (It was 5 bucks and came in a tiny cow/man-shaped bottle. Youre supposed to drop it into rice. When we asked a worker at Mitsuwa if you could drink it, she looked horrified and said, Oh no!) Two tablets are dropped in water.

Gendy: No, it doesnt fizz. But it taste likes cleaning products. Is that the Asian palate?

Mark: Well, Asians do seem to be a very clean people. Maybe they like their candy to taste that way.

Gendy: I cant believe you just said that.

Five days later, Gendy finds that Mark is still eating Something-C.

Gendy: Do you like these?

Mark: No, but theyre made with purple corn and palatinose!

DESSERT PIE (GREEN TEA CRACKER)

Ed: Look at that. Its adorable! Its so cute. It looks like baklava.

Gendy: I think its meant to evoke that thing in the picture  it looks like cheese to me, like mozzarella with pesto. I kind of like it.

Mark: The back of each of the five boxes has a playing card on it. Collect all 52 empty boxes to play some poker. Good luck shuffling.

YAM STARCH DESSERT

Mark: These come in straws, and you squeeze out the jelly.

Gendy: I hate it, but Im eating it.

Ed: Thats pretty much the company slogan.

Mark: No yams were harmed in the making of this dessert.

DRIED KELP AND BONITO STRIPS

Mark: These look like green strips of plastic that are harder, tougher and more durable than a surgical plaster.

Gendy: Oh my god, no! I say no to the kelp!

Mark (spitting): I thought this one would be a good half-way point in the taste test. Like a salty thing to cut through the sugar.

Gendy: I dont think were eating these right. Youre supposed to do something else to it  maybe boil it?

RE-MENT TOY BAGEL DISPLAY

Mark: This is really beautifully designed candy. It doesnt even look real. Oh, wait a minute  maybe its not.

Gendy: This isnt candy, its little tiny toy food.

Pandora Young, assistant to the editor in chief and Barbie performance artist, arrives and discusses, in extreme detail, her collection of teeny-tiny plastic food, explaining how to set up the plastic food, and how she has this same thing in a doughnut version and how it comes with a menu.

Gendy: You know, Pandora, if you werent here, Mark would be eating this toy food right now.

Mark: It was in the candy aisle  of course, I thought you could eat it. Id have probably choked to death by now.

PLUM & POTATO HARD CANDY

Mark: These are tiny purple spheres that also look like they could cause a  whats the legal term?  choking hazard.

Gendy: They look like BBs or shotgun pellets. These are good! You can really taste the plum.

Mark: Or, if there are any superheroes around, you can throw these at them, and theyd slip and fall. Supervillains love these. They taste pretty good.

PUDDING SNACK

Mark: I was worried this was going to be another eat-with-a-fork messy jelly thing, but theyre individually wrapped and not jelly-like at all.

Gendy: These are good! They really taste like pudding.

Ed:Mmm. They look like cute little flans!

Mark: These are really good. I wish I wasnt already feeling ill so I could have more.

STRAWBERRY WHEAT SNACKS

Gendy: This company took Sugar Smacks and repackaged them in Japanese packaging.

Mark: And turned them strawberry! Im sure if we had milk, it would turn the milk pink. And frankly, Im pretty glad we dont have to actually see any pink milk right now.

Gendy: So this is basically just breakfast cereal. Its really good, and its a nice shade of pink. Not as sweet as Sugar Smacks.

ANGRY CLOWN MASK SPICY RING CHIPS

Mark: These are the Insane Clown Posse of Japanese snack foods.

Gendy: I think theyre more of a Mexican wrestling mask. Mmm! Crunchy.

Mark: Very crunchy, and pretty spicy too. They look like little calamari rings, or little gear sprockets, like you could use them to build a spicy machine.

Gendy: The ingredients say they actually contain three different peppers.