ConBENtion

I recently returned from the Democratic National Convention in Boston. I was there, which is why returning from there makes sense. It was the usual barrage of events replete with free shrimp, and angry confrontations with waitresses when it turns out the shrimp wasn’t free. Through convention week I was struck by many things (including how many waitresses in Boston know Karate). But the thing I was most struck by was the ubiquitious nature of BEN AFFLECK!!

Everywhere I went, there was Affleck; appearing on network TV, hitching the boat Kerry road into Boston onto the dock, “poofing” Edwards’ hair, giving Senator Bob Graham mouth-to-mouth, telling the convention what it was like to grow up in the Kerry household, making the Caesar Salad table-side at the local Olive Garden, etc.

In Boston, when someone shouted “Who let the dogs out?” The answer was AFFLECK, AFFLECK LET THE DOGS OUT!! Kerry, in his acceptance speech, promised a future “as Afflecktive and Afflecktion as our past.” When the giant balloon drop happened at the end of the convention, each little red, white, and blue balloon had Affleck’s face on it, and a little tuft of tussled hair on top.

On Tuesday night, I saw a production of “A Raisin in the Sun” with Ben Affleck as the lead. Denzel Washington was originally cast, but said he could never do the part of Beneatha Younger the justice Affleck could. On Wednesday night, I saw Affleck in Kramer vs. Kramer, playing BOTH Kramers! Back at the convention, when Jimmy Carter said:

“Ah Considah m’own biological children to be almost
as much a part of my family as Ben Affleck”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Sometimes I got the feeling Ben was out of his league. When I went to see a taping of “Hardball” with Chris Matthews, I watched a panel which featured former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, General Wesley Clark, Vice-President Dick Cheney, and Affleck. I’m not sure that Ben really held his own. You decide:

Matthews
Lets go around the horn. Kerry says the war in Iraq
was poorly planned. Your thoughts…

Kissinger
Vell, I vant to tell you the truth. The planning was werry
underdewellopped.

Clark
The forces on the ground were inadequate. There should have
been two additional divisions with rotating batallion commanders
providing up to the minute intel to the hard boots.

Matthews
What about you Cheney? Kerry says you blew it.

Cheney
@%$*%# him!

Matthews
Excuse me?

Cheney
@%$*%# HIM!! He’s just a @%$*%# ing piece
of @%$*%# and he can go @%$*%# himself with
a large @%$*%#.

Affleck
If I can just say, that if we just said to all the bad guys
in Iraq and Afganistan to “hey,” ya know?

Contemplative Silence

Clark
Our primary problem was that the recon got stilted in a chain
of command that was ossified.

Kissinger
I vant to say that ve vere werry vorried vhen vashington vent
against the vishes of the UN and the vorld.

Affleck
But what about if we had, from the very begining,
been “it’s like Whoa.” Do ya know what I mean?

Matthews
No pretty boy, why is it like Whoa?

Affleck
Because Saddam, and all the weapons, I mean, who
could say? Right?

Cheney
What the @%$*%# are you talking about you pinhead @%$*%# ?

Kissinger
I vonder if saying “Vhoa” vould have…

Matthews
Pipe it Goebels. Although I should be more patient. Dr. Kissinger
has only been in this country for 64 years. There’s no reason he
should have mastered basic vowel sounds by now.

Affleck
My point is that, like say I get a movie deal, and Damon gets
a movie deal with more lines. Should I like drop a smart bomb
in his spider hole? It’s a lot like that.

Cheney
Look, you Chiseled-faced @%$*%# . Both you and Kerry can
@%$*%# a @%$*%# or a @%$*%#, it doesn’t really matter to
me. I don’t give a @%$*%# if you @%$*%# for the rest of your
@%$*%#. Go Halliburton!

Kissinger
Vell, as Villy Vonka vonce said…

Matthews
Stuff it Von Trappe. We’re out of time. I’d like to
thank my guests.

Affleck
Good night Chris. This has been wicked thinking. My
head like…so hurts.

Kissinger
Auf Veidersein

Cheney
@%$*%# me!

Well, I shouldn’t worry about this stuff so much. I’ve just got to concentrate on electing the Kerry-Edwards-Affleck ticket this November.