Thursday, October 28, 2010

Yesterday I watched the greatest movie that has ever been made. Bar none.

Sure there have been great great movies over the years. Your Matrixes, your Lord of the Rings, your Star Wars, your Requiem for a Dreams and the like. But this film surpasses them all. A certain 1966 horror/sci fi film by the name of MANOS: HANDS OF FATE!!!

As you have gathered by now, I am joking. This is easily the worst movie I have ever seen, some parts literally made me baffled at the sheer totality of badness. There are scenes that are there and don't make sense (well the whole plot makes no sense, but there are scenes which don't even fit into the plot that makes no sense), there are numerous sound and editing errors such as the film clipboard being flashed into about 3 different scenes (LOL) and basically it's all just so so terrible. I could watch this movie over and over again, and I will. I want to show it to everyone I know... just so I can watch their sheer "WHAT THE FUCK?!" reaction.

So what are you waiting for. Go buy the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Essential Collection DVD that has MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE on it. You will thank me for it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Yes, people be forewarned because this is a cutting, tell all expose on the many, many MANY strange, bizarre, and downright freaky people that seem to live around my area and frequent my place of business. Standing behind a shop counter armed with a degree in psychology and English in order to eloquently describe this freak show, I am exposed to the dregs of society. And if it is this bad here... lord knows how bad it is in areas that are SUPPOSED to be bad and contain freaks, you know like Remuera or Gulf Harbour or something.

All names have been changed to nicknames to protect the identities of the people in question, and me from their inhuman wrath. Note all that is written here is true.

1. Old Lady Icicle

'Old Lady Icicle' has been frequently entering the shop on the days of Saturday and Sunday between the hours of 8 and 10am for as long as this intrepid sightseer can remember. Every day it is the same routine. She picks up the Herald, and on every second day a 4 pack of toilet rolls and deposits them in front of me for payment. I would ask why this little old lady seems to burn through four toilet rolls a day but some things I would rather be left a mystery. Even weirder, just seconds after placing her products down her hands will shiver and she will say "Its cold out there." I mean EVERY LAST TIME. Seriously, there has not been a time where she has neglected to inform me, using those words exactly that it is in fact 'cold out there'. Yes, even in summer. I'm serious. She could be overlooking an erupting Mt Vesuvius in a thermal jacket and it would still be cold out there. Like a public service announcement, she continues to repeat her words every single day, as if she forgets that she says the SAME DAMN THING EVERY DAMN DAY. Seriously, its like being stuck in a time vortex. Sometimes I wonder if its groundhog day. The worst thing is... next Saturday it will be the same thing. NO SCOTT THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM OLD LADY ICICLE AND HER PROCLAMATIONS OF THE CURRENT OUTSIDE CHILL FACTOR.

2. The Sloth

Subject two, or 'The Sloth' is another regular who according to Scott's boss has been coming in ever since he acquired the shop. Again the pattern is similar. Every day he comes in, requests two single cigars and saunters out. The thing is... I have dubbed him the sloth for a reason, in that this guy is in no danger of setting any land speed records. The way he walks in as if he was a snail crawling through glue and digs around in his wallet for change you can actually FEEL YOURSELF AGING. If there are any customers waiting in line behind him, I feel like offering them a tent and some firewood because its going to be a long vigil. Congratulations 'The Sloth', all the time I spent serving you I could be on my fifth novel by now.

3. The Mummy

Oh the Mummy, how much sleep you have caused me to lose with your endless mystery. He is called the Mummy because every single day he comes in and buys a full pack of bandages. What for you ask?? Your guess is as good as mine. Leading theories between me and my boss are that he's into self multilation (me), he is selling them on some bizarre bandage black market (my boss) or he is using them to wallpaper his house... very gradually (me). None of us want to ask... because my boss is afraid of losing his patronage and I'm afraid of finding out the real answer. Even the thought right now makes me shiver

4. Mrs Happy

Shudder. Mrs Happy has arrived. An Australian woman with the most annoying voice and bouncy personality. She bounds into the shop like she's just been injected with the biggest dose of ecstasy this side of Dave's house and proudly greets you in such a way that you would think you are the grand ayatollah. She purchases her Woman's Day and three dollar instant kiwi and bounds out with that hideous gaping smile on her face. Seriously, I have never seen her anything but mindlessly happy and that concerns me a great deal. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE REASON TO BE THIS HAPPY. LOOK AT THE WORLD. ITS MISERY. Luckily a few months ago she packed up and moved back to Australia, taking her disgusting enthusiasm for existence far away from me. All I can say is that my desire to go to Australia, which I thought could not get any lower, just did.

5. The '5 cents off' woman.

Oh dont get me started on you. Oh wait, too late. You all remember when the five cent coins became obsolete right?? How everything that was 2.95 either increased to 3 bucks or went down to 2.90. Only the problem was the old price stickers on chips still said 2.95 instead of 3.00. Cue the stupidest argument Scott has ever been a part of, and trust me I've argued with my mum and Kat, so I know all about pure moronic stupidity being presented to me as an argument. She berates me for three solid minutes after I enter 3.00 instead of 2.95. SERIOUSLY BITCH ITS FIVE CENTS. THATS NOT EVEN HIGH ENOUGH TO BE THE LOWEST PIECE OF CURRENCY ANYMORE. So after I stop feeling gung ho about pushing my position and start feeling annoyed that this unpleasant lardball is calling me incompetent I give in and enter the damn 5 cent discount into the eftpos machine. Congratulations, I hope you used the spare 5 cents to buy yourself a brain, a personality and liposuction. I know this sounds harsh, but if you heard the things she was calling me for attempting to perpetuate THE GREAT FIVE CENT SWINDLE ON HER POOR BANK ACCOUNT you would understand.

Monday, October 18, 2010

1. Relationships can be ruined by one party telling the other that they love them.

2. Relationships can be ruined by one party daring to express love for another human being.

3. People get paid 300,000 pounds a WEEK to run around on a field kicking a ball into the goal. Other people get paid 40,000 a YEAR for trying to turn around the lives of troubled young people. Good job world.

4. Twilight is the most popular literature of the 21st century.

5. If Shakespeare was around today, he would be ignored in favour of Twilight by a grand majority of human beings. Fairly galling.

6. The leading scientific theory of the origin of life is that lightning struck some mud. (I Fucking WISH I was joking).

7. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are front page news in spite of the fact that 99.999999999999% of humanity has never met them, talked to them, interacted with them in any way shape or form. This is more important than human rights crises in Rwanda, Zimbabwe, China and North Korea.

Some of this shit just irks me. Especially fucking 1 and 2. Probably why I'm going to die alone :P

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I HATE Old Sayings. You know, those pieces of turd wisdom passed down through the eons that have now become so cliche. Crap like "The Early bird gets the worm", and all that rot. Well I for one am sick of hearing these nuggets of shit, and hearing people think they're so clever when they pronounce them mindlessly and think they're fucking Confucius. I will now demonstrate why some of these old sayings are worthless, and hopefully the sheer force of this blog post that nobody will read will leak out into the sonisphere and abolish these sayings forever somehow. That's right hope springs eternal.

1. "The Early Bird gets the Worm"

May as well start off with the one I already mentioned. Now right off the bat I see three things wrong with this rotting piece of verbal greuhl. One, I don't want a fucking worm. They are gross. Two, I'm not a bird and don't actually have to get up early and do unnecessary labor for the right to eat food. You know, because there's such things as supermarkets that are open all day so I can sleep in and still get food. I mean fuck, who came up with this shit? Third... this metaphorical saying infers that the person who drags themselves out of bed at 4:30am or something to slave away at the salt mines will end up better off than the guy who gets to the salt mines on time. Well I disagree with this fucking premise. See, the guy who gets up on time for the salt mines is obviously better off because he has THREE EXTRA HOURS OF SLEEP THAT HE ISN'T SPENDING IN THE BLOODY MINES. So I never want to hear this shit again.

2. "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

Hey... why not?? Why can't I look the gift horse in the mouth?? It is a GIFT isn't it? So you're giving me a gift, and then telling me how I can and cant use it?? So you're teaching conditional love and conditional giving? What a heart warming message. Get stuffed. I'll look my damn gift horse wherever the fuck I want to look at it. And if you've got a problem with that, DON'T GIVE IT TO ME.

3. "A rolling stone gathers no moss"

I don't roll stones, and it doesn't bother me a jot if stones get moss on them. NEXT. What? Be serious you say? Okay fine. this saying encourages me to keep doing things all the time so I don't get moss on me or something. Well fuck that. I'll take the moss and be lazy.

4. "All good things come to he who waits"

You know, something about my personal experience tells me that this saying is a load of fecal matter the size of Olympus Mons (that's the largest mountain in the solar system for all you less informed). I have waited for 24 years. So far very few good things have just spontaneously fucking arrived. Since the saying is not "Very few good things come to he who waits", it says ALL I'm bringing out my bullshit stamp. ALL? ALL?! I fucking wish. That means every possible pleasurable experience will just land itself in my lap if I do nothing. EVERY LAST ONE IN THE FREAKING UNIVERSE OF POSSIBILITIES. Well I am skeptical. Of course, since I hope this saying is true so much, I will keep right on waiting. I'm sure my perfect mate is going to knock on the door and throw themselves into my arms any day now.

5. "Boys will be Boys."

Oh dear lord there are no words. The sheer pointlessness makes me stomach churn. Allow me to demonstrate. Replace both instances of the word 'Boys' with ANY COLLECTIVE NOUN WHATSOEVER. Does it change the meaning or provide any enlightenment at all? NO.

Plants will be plants.Labradors will be labradors.Fat people with lycra encrusted into their rolls will be fat people with lycra encrusted into their rolls.Wooden planks will be wooden planks.

See? Gee, thanks for this saying. It has really provided a great fucking educational benefit to society. Why don't you go and point out the sky is blue and the Earth is round while you're at it. Or maybe "Don't stop breathing. It's not healthy." THANK YOU NUMBNUTS. Now take a one way trip to Get Fucked. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

I'll be back someday with more old sayings... because unfortunately they are seemingly more numerous than bacteria.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I was minding my own business the other day, wallowing in my own crapulence mostly. And then on the radio I hear... the most egregious horse manure that has ever laced the airwaves. "People have the right not to be offended" the talkback caller proclaimed with total and utter moral certitude.

WHAT?!

Look, since I don't know this for sure, I'm going to give you, Mrs Caller, the benefit of the doubt and believe that you are not a living breathing human being but an inanimate cyborg of stupidity programmed by the talkback radio station to fart out to most bafflingly incompetent soundbites of all time. Yes, that IS giving you the benefit of the doubt. Because otherwise I'd be forced to believe you are ACTUALLY a human being living on MY planet that has somehow managed to live long enough to reach adulthood in the most scathing indictment of the welfare system I have ever before witnessed.

People have THE RIGHT NOT TO BE OFFENDED?!?! Oh I get it. I see what's happened. I fell asleep last night and woke up in fucking mirror world where all my most hideous nightmares of dumb opinions come to horrific life and aurally molest me with their intransigence. Look you cannot possibly BE this stupid. I cant believe I actually have to point this out... but what offends you is SUBJECTIVE. That means you cant fucking legislate rights based on it you overwhelming nincompoop shithead. But I'll humor you. And then proceed to INTELLECTUALLY DECIMATE you with a flick of my proverbial wrist.

If people have the right not to be offended, then I have the right not to be offended. Your stupidity offends me. Therefore I demand you be outlawed from my ariwaves, removed from my society and deposited into someone else's jail system where you can rot in the filth of your own feculance. I have the right after all. Your stupidity is henceforth ILLEGAL. Oh, and talkback radio itself offends me. See ya. ABOLISHED. Being forced to work for a living offends me. Guess people will give me money for free now. Women turning me down offends me. Oh shit, sucks to be them, they cant say no to me now.