You’d better hope there are Muslims on every habitable planet in the Universe…

… otherwise, no matter what you do, or how hard you try, there will still be kafir somewhere. And that kind of defeats the whole purpose of Islam, doesn’t it? Even if Islam is victorious here on planet Earth, and we humans, every single one of us, all submit to the will of Allah, it won’t make the slightest bit of difference, and Islam will still be a spectacular failure.

Just imagine for a moment the scale of the universe (see video below), with planet Earth smaller than a speck of dust in a hurricane. There are estimates of millions, maybe billions, of potentially life-supporting planets in the observable universe. It is almost inevitable that intelligent life has emerged on a proportion of those planets. I wonder if that life would be Muslim or kafir?

In 7th century Arabia, nobody knew that anything really existed beyond our own planet, which is why Muhammad’s revelations in the Qur’an are, coincidentally, firmly rooted in 7th century Arabia. You would have thought Allah would have dropped something in there about semiconductors, or quasars, or penicillin, or the periodic table, or DNA, or cosmic inflation, or even string theory (gee, that last one would have been useful) – anything, in fact, not completely and utterly 100% based on day-to-day life in 7th century Arabia. But sadly no. It’s all goats and wars and slaughter and ablutions and praying and superstition and stuff – disappointing, really.

Clearly Allah must have known about the scale of the universe, because he created it, so… why didn’t he let on to Muhammad? Surely the creator of the universe wasn’t just narrowly focussing on a small, entirely unremarkable planet in an unexceptional solar system on the outer spiral arm of a wholly forgettable galaxy? Why didn’t he give us a clue about quantum foam or the Planck length?

If that wasn’t bad enough, all of Allah’s perfectly created universe is swarming with kafir. And aren’t all Muslims entreated to wage jihad to ensure that everywhere becomes Islamic? You’d better get going on converting them (or beheading them – that is, if they even have heads)! Off you go, build your spaceships, travel to the far-flung corners of the universe, enlighten the galaxies (all 100 billion of them) with the Religion of Peace™!

But I regret it’s going to be a long, long job. The nearest star is 4.2 light years away, and at anything like the speeds we can achieve presently, it would take hundreds of years to get there (and just a word of warning in advance for if you do get there, you’d then have to set off immediately and repeat that journey again, TWICE, to get to Kapteyn b – 13 light years away – because there aren’t any habitable planets around Proxima Centauri). And then you’d better hope that there are intelligent life forms on Kapteyn b, or else that will be one hell of a wasted journey.

And I guess there are complete instructions for building the required spaceship in the Qur’an, right? After all, that contains everything one needs to know, right? And surely Allah would have known that Muslims on Earth would have to subdue the rest of the universe somehow and would have provided instructions on how to do that?

Alternatively, maybe a messenger of Allah visited all those other planets too, on a flying horse? Well, they may have done, of course, but the universe is billions of light years across and nearly 14 billion years old, so what are the chances, really? Pretty slim, I’d say, given that horses are pretty slow at the best of times when we’re talking about trillions of kilometres, and tend to struggle a bit in a vacuum.

And even if Allah did visit all those other planets, what are the chances that those ‘alien’ Qur’ans handed down are EXACTLY the same as that on Earth? They certainly wouldn’t be in Arabic, would they? They’d be in whatever language the local ‘alien’ messenger on those planets spoke, I’d bet, just like what happened with Muhammad. I would be more prepared to believe it all if he had dictated the Qur’an in another language. How about Klingon? Now that would have been impressive! In fact any language would have been more impressive than his own 7th century Arabic. It’s just a little too, how can I put this, convenient?

The painful truth is that the overwhelming majority of the universe and all intelligent life in it, has never heard, and will never, ever hear, of Allah, or Muhammad, or the Qur’an or anything else to do with Islam (or any other Earth-bound religion, in fact). Because, like all Earth-bound religions, Islam is a complete and total fabrication. An invention of primitive, ignorant and deeply superstitious men, who were struggling to come to terms with their own brutal existence, who had little understanding of their surroundings, and zero understanding of anything beyond, let alone the universe.

As a consequence, there isn’t any paradise for martyrs, and there certainly aren’t 72 virgins waiting for you if you blow yourself up, there is just… nothing. Are you really going to let yourself be fooled by a primitive 7th century warrior into thinking otherwise? I know that you really aren’t that stupid. Once again, the painful truth is that what we all have here on Earth is all there is. You should try making the most of it, try enjoying life, instead of longing for death. Death is really, really boring.

So in conclusion, to all Muslims out there, perhaps you should stop trying to please Allah, this figment of a 7th century Arabian imagination, by trying to take over the entire planet, which has absolutely no relevance in the grand, universal scale of things, and instead be thankful that you have had the quite extraordinary good fortune to have been born on, and to experience (in an age of unprecedented knowledge, technology and quality of life), one of the finest, most amazing and most breathtakingly beautiful specks of dust in the entire fucking universe.

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In a nutshell…

“You think they make this shit up? It’s all in the book. Their f***ing book. The only book they ever read. They read it all the time. They never stop. They’re there for one reason and one reason only. To die for the caliphate and usher in a world without infidels. That’s their strategy, and it’s been that way since the 7th century.” Peter Quinn, Homeland

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