Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2013 1:55 pmPosts: 276Location: Indiana, United States
Sex: Female
Are you a published author?: No
Age: 25 Apr 1990

Hey everyone as you know I am in the process of writing a novel called The Dragons Of Meridia Deliverance. Well as I write, more and more things are revealed and my story has taken an unexpected turn! I need an opinion on a scene that I have written just yesterday. Luminess is a Sorceress in the story who is Controlling the Kingdom and using King Elstan like a puppet. Everyone things that he is the Enemy but is he? As the Story unfolds the truth is made known.....

So here is an excerpt of it:

Nadia and Luminess, walked together throughout the castle as Nadia was shown the rest of her new home. They came to a heavy door, that was locked securely.“No one, and I mean No one goes in here without my permission. Is that understood?”“Yes ma’am.” Nadia nodded agreeingly. “What I am about to show you, is a secret, and you musn’t tell a soul. Do you swear?”“I swear not a soul I shall tell.”Luminess opened the difficult door with all of her might. The two walked inside down a dark stairwell covered in moisture and spider’s webs. As the rounded the bend they reached the bottom, which seemed forever as if the gloomy cold stairs didn’t have an end. Nadia peered around the corner and stopped. She didn’t know what to say at the deathly presence, the terror of that dreadful place.“Ahhhh home sweet home.” Luminess said as she took of her robe.“Wha-what is this place?” Nadia shuttered.“This place? This is where I do all my work, my creativity.” Luminess held out her hands beaming.Nadia looked around, books of enchantments, potions, and wizardry piled high on one of the wooden tables.“Oh pardon the mess, but please make yourself at home.” Luminess gathered her books, placing them on the dusty shelf.Spider webs filled every corner in the peculiar room along with layers of dust. Half melted candles had wax running down them dripping on anything near them. Large cast iron pots piled in another corner. Cold bars of steel divided the other part of the room creating a large cell or a cage. Around under the steps was a door, with a lock on it.“What’s in there?” Nadia asked, wondering if she really wanted to know, or if she had yet made another mistake.“That room, is my favorite, come I will show you.”Luminess took the key hung around her neck positioning it in the disturbing pad lock. Rotating it a few times, the lock finally unlatched itself, and the door opened. Revealing the hidden room, dark with no windows, unlike the room she was in before. Luminess took a bruswick and lit the candles all around the room. There in the dim light there was a silhouette of a large table and what almost looked like a large round mirror.“What is that?”“Come, I will show you.”Nadia stood beside Luminess before the peculiar piece of furniture.“De-go-tha, Me-shna-ha, Vees-na, coz-na, he-na-ya.” Luminess declared as the mirror began to spin. Bursting forth from it was a bright blue light, illuminating the room, and there appeared four sorcerers. They stepped out placing themselves around the table. Luminess sat herself among them leaving Nadia scared and alone.“Don’t be scared.” Said Zeddicus the oldest the Sorcerers “Come sit along with us.“This is Nadia, my new apprentice.” ‘Your what?!’ Nadia said so loudly to herself; she wondered if she actually said it allowed.“Welcome Nadia, we look forward to showing you the Dark Moon ways, the secrets of the Under World.” Eulfwyn. The next oldest one down from Zeddicus.Nadia decided to keep quiet as Luminess gave them a new report. “I see you have a ring.” Dyfyr noted. The youngest of the three men.“Yes, I do.”Nadia noticed that each of the sorcerers had a ring on their finger as well, much like the one that Luminess wore. “And what powers would you like for this ring to posses?” Zeddicus asked.Luminess spoke up, she knew exactly what she wanted.“To posses the power, of a Queen. Control, Beauty, and the power of a Chameleon.”“A shape shifter?” “Yes!”“And why do you want to hold such influences?” Zeddicus continued.“Has the king proposed such a marriage?”“No but he will, we have discussed it.”“Ah, let me have your ring.” Luminess took it off, giving it to Zeddicus. Each of the Sorcerers passed it around, placing a power in each of the stones. Returning it to Luminess she felt more dominance than she had ever felt before.“Soon we will be able to take over Meridia once and for all.”“Yes but we must remain patient.” Dyfyr stated. “We must not waste any precious time or energy.” “How long do I keep the King under my wits?” asked Luminess. “I want to be Queen so bad, I can almost feel the that crown under my hands.”“Just a little longer Luminess, soon we will be able to appear in Meridia and rule the land once again.”“Don’t we already do that?”“Through the king yes, but Meridia was our home, we ruled it, no immortals were counted important and hold such a place. We need to take it back!” chimed in Eulfwyn.“Here, here.” They all agreed.Nadia couldn’t believe her ears! King Elstan was not the evil one, he was being used as a puppet. He was under a spell! She didn’t know what to do next as she tried to remain calm, not to fidget in her seat. She had to get out of this deception and quick before it devoured her, before it trapped her soul to the Under World for eternity.As quick as they came, the Dark Moon council vanished and the room returned to its blinding dark old self.Nadia dismissed herself from Luminess, as she returned to her room. She had to get help but she didn’t know who to turn too. Maybe Lydia would know, what to do.

***(the names of the Sorcerers are pending)***

I've never wrote "EVIL EVIL" before so this is different, I've had to think back on some of the fantasy movies I've watched and form my own line of sorcery to use. At first I wasn't going to put any in there, but this is just how it happened.

So what's your opinion on this, is the scene above TOO bad? Im trying not to get dark in this story, there's warfare, and stuff too. I will also post this excerpt in the excerpt page as well.

_________________Lady Heather

The Chronicles Of Meridia - Deliverance (77,701 words) now in artistic phase

It definitely depends on your own boundaries for stories, and what sort of story you are wanting this one to be. In a current story I am writing, I go a lot worse than this when it comes to 'bad stuff done with magic'. I am ok with going pretty far in that area, and the story needs it. The decision is up to you.

But, if you are going to have sorcery in your novel at all, then this is quite mild. It does not have much detail, the power and the goals are fairly impersonal, and it is all clearly 'bad'. Personally I'd say you're safe so far.

There's really nothing potent in it that could be considered too bad. It's a bit of the generic fantasy magic type stuff. So if you're okay with it, it should be fine.

_________________"Haven't I fallen enough?" She asked, head drooping to rest on the copper-black armor that once gleamed with starlight' white fire. "Must I betray my oath one more time to save these people I have betrayed and oppressed?"

Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2011 5:01 pmPosts: 115Location: My mind is in the world of Raymistia, a land I created
Sex: Female
Are you a published author?: No
Age: 16 May 1997

Sorcery can be taken so many ways. Are you going to treat it as it really is in real life, with demons and stuff? Or are you going to cover up what sorcery in real life is... and give it a different meaning like most fantasy books?

Whenever you have magic in your story, you need to ask yourself what kind of magic it is, and what the source of it is, and what it means.

If it's a magical substance that is natural in this world, than it's a type of nature. It would remind us to admire the woods and become like children again.

If it's an unnatural substance that comes from either the darkness or the light, and is able to be both good and bad, then it's kind of like a spiritual warfare magic.

And if it's based upon what's in real life, with rituals and demons, and can't have any potential to be good, then the magic is bad and shouldn't be portrayed as good.

Or if magic is an unexplainable thing that does unpredictable stuff and is on neither the side of good or evil but sometimes does good and sometimes is mischievous, it could be tied to fate or luck in a way.

And then, in your excerpt, it seems as though you've likened magic to creativity, like how we play with words to make a story. But even creativity can go bad, and be used for bad, I suppose.

And then magic can be likened to power itself, and could be a tricky thing that you need to be careful with, and not let it control you.

Reading this clip, I was a bit confused, and then I was disturbed about it. But I do like it, as long as you make the boundaries and make clear why the magic is bad, and if it does or doesn't have potential to be good.

Nowadays, magic can be anything we want it to be. We throw around the word a lot. I don't know how I feel about that.

_________________The Lord is my Shepherd. I have everything I need.I'm a writing maiden for my King, I love to explore the world of the printed pages; the black in the white, the pictures that pierce my mind so vividly from them.

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