Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Rating –no stars

As Transformers II reached it’s woeful climactic monologue I quickly slung on my jacket and began briskly descending the stairs from the back of the auditorium. By the time the screen faded to black I found myself in the very centre of the room. Starring ahead into the empty void, it was just me and a lightly flickering black screen. After a few seconds the words “Directed By Michael Bay” lit up the room, accompanied by exactly the same generic rock song you’ll find at the end of all his “films”. Without thinking, I simply raised my left hand and very clearly registered my disgust with my middle finger. As other people began to stand up and queue for the exit, I attracted a few odd looks yet I maintained my one fingered salute for a good ten seconds….. It seemed perfectly logical at the time.

I realise the standard response will be “what did you expect? Just enjoy the visual effects!” But you can’t possibly comprehend the levels of embarrassing and infuriating ineptitude displayed throughout this bloated joke of a sequel which lasts for an eternity. They are 2 ½ + hours I will never get back. This crap just isn’t cool anymore. Who wants to see hip-hop robot twins dancing around the screen every five minutes? Or how about the lead character’s obnoxious Mother getting high on pot-cookies then running around a university campus slurring cringe worthy innuendoes at the top of her voice. Sounds hilarious and totally awesome, eh? People mostly have a good laugh about Michael Bay yet ultimately let him off because they “enjoyed Bad Boys II” While others claim to be offended by the ignorant or sexist undertones. The simply fact is, he is an idiot. Yes, a big fat stupid, boring, flag-waving, juvenile, yanky-doodle talent-less hack of an idiot!

Even good ol’ ILM fail to really impress. They don’t get chance to do anything which builds upon what we’ve already seen in the original film. After half an hour of uninterrupted combat style footage of robots beating the hell out of each other, I just didn’t care. I closed my eyes for extended periods just to get some light relief. Some of the digital work is actually a step down, the movements are too fast and cartoon-like. While the designs are so spindly and unconvincing, it’s very hard to except them as really occupying the same space as the background plates.

I know several friends who actually enjoyed this film, they should be ashamed. Anybody looking for diverting big budget fun, deserves so much better. A group of friends were chatting as I left the cinema and they summed it up perfectly “Mate, for £6 I just saw Michael Bay blow up half the middle east with big robots, it was f***in awesome!” Ask yourself, are those the sort of twats you want to be in league with? As I began my journey home the first song on my I-pod was Michael Jackson’s Scream. The abrasive electronic opening chords actually resemble most of the Transformers soundtrack. Then the lyrics seemed oddly appropriate, taking on a new meaning, as if protesting the sorry state of the film industry.

“Tired of you tellin the story your way. You’re causin’ confusion. You think it’s okay, damn it! You keep changin’ the rules, while I keep playin’ the game. I can’t take it much longer, I think I might go insane! With such confusion don’t it make you wanna scream! Somebody please have mercy, cause I just can’t take it!”

I wish I’d simply done nothing with my evening. Hell, I was meant to pick up my laundry; it’s already a day overdue! That surely would have proven to be a more satisfying experience than subjecting myself to this much “Bayhem” I can confidently proclaim that Transformers II is truly one of the worst films in the last decade! A poisonous, noisy torrent of excrement orchestrated by a worryingly retarded utter….. cock!

Shia LeBeouf somehow manages to bring some charisma to the proceedings, as usual. While Megan Fox is …….. also on the internet, so save yourself the price of a ticket!