CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #286

In public bathrooms I will sometimes use the "children's urinal"
in order to feel like a giant.

If no one's around, I'm likely to sing along with Aretha
Franklin's version of "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman,
but not the Carole King version.

I've never understood why anyone would bother making a porn movie
that lasts longer than ten minutes.

I often pretend that the person standing next to me in an elevator
is an unwitting carrier of a deadly airborne disease unleashed by
terrorists who hate our freedom. This, of course, forces me to
hold my breath until the doors open.

Forty years ago I measured my penis with a wood ruler. The irony
was lost on me.

Sometimes sex just seems like a lot of work.

There are mornings when, for no perceivable reason, I turn into a
teenage girl and repeatedly change my outfit.

I floss so that my dentist will be proud of me.

Even when asked, I have never been able to "talk dirty" to a woman
without feeling like a complete idiot.