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The random ramblings of a crazy girl. Fall down the rabbit hole with me.

The Winds of Change are coming…

The winds of change are coming, or so my horoscope would have me believe. Even though I put much less stock in them as I used to they are still part of my “getting ready for bed routine”. Basically they’ve been saying that with my birth month here, the new moon and a few other things, my world will start to change in both career and love. Since I’m leaning more toward skeptical and jaded lately, I am not such a believer this time around.

Some idiot, somewhere in history once said that if your career is going well then your love life is shit (paraphrasing of course) or if your love life is fruitfully growing then your career is in the toilet. Apparently, his (or her) life was half great at one point and someone decided to write that quote down. Idiots.

I say that because what if both your career and your love life feel like they are floating in a commode with no end in sight? What’s the third part of your life that’s suppose to be great if all else fails? Don’t ask me this as I have no effing clue. I can barely muster the strength to get out of bed, go to work and not punch someone in the throat most days.

Regardless of all of that my thoughts have been racing today, about everything. Then I come home tonight with the intent to go have drinks with a friend and completely pass out. I don’t usually do that on a school (work) night because it screws with my sleep so we’ll see how tonight’s going to go.

There seems to be a cloud of despair around those close to me right now and for some unknown reason, some have come here looking for some sort of help. They assume I can deliver some sort of profound astronomical insight that will make their lives fall back into place or at least land in a better space. Where they got the idea that my life isn’t about my choices and therefor I know something they don’t has me dumbfounded. Granted, I have been know to give good advice yet very seldom take it, but no where near enough to navigate someone else to their happy place.

I think my happy place went into foreclosure somewhere along the way. I hope that the new buyer is choosing to do something worth while with it or has found some solace in what was once a place that I resided. That was back in the day that I was so blissfully unaware what it was like to be a true adult while being powdered in “nights in white satin” (as they say).

I do tend to bring up my hazy days of my drug induced adolescence a lot but it’s not because I want to go back there. It’s because those days held so much hope. Granted we were all so young, dumb and full of fun 🙂 but we were true, honest and there was a lot of innocence. Amazingly enough, we actually ALL made it out alive. I’ll never understand that part of it but am blessed to have.

We used to do these stupidly, innocent, strangely entertaining things. We’d go to this local dam and sit there asking stupid questions of each other for hours like “If you could give one human emotion to someone who would it be and why?” Or “If you could leave one thing as a legacy what would it be?” We’d come up with some poetic answer that seemed like God himself had come down from the heavens and answered it. They became known as “The Million Dollar Questions”. And I’d be asked to bust them out at all the ragers.

Our parties would normally be either at someone’s house that someone’s parents had forgotten to parent or a hotel room. There would be a low lit living room with some sort of Hooverphonics or Lords of Acid playing and girls dancing like they were all chasing moonbeans. Then there would be a few occupied bedrooms. There would usually be some strangely going on in the kitchen like playing tag with spray cans of whip cream, which usually ended up in the bedrooms. Lastly, there would be a group of people that were all synced together in their haze of consciousness. One or two people would be playing acoustic guitar, a few would be singing but we’d all be together and loving and truthful. There would always be someone there to catch you when you were falling from your state with some other pill that would soften the blow of sobriety. Then, morning would come too quickly and we’d all gather around at the park and continue the acoustic serenade and no one cared that we’d not showered or that our “Robert Smith” eyeliner was everywhere but where it was supposed to be.

Those were some memorable times. Well, they were times that should have been remembered if it wasn’t for the self induced amnesia performed by illegal substances. Those were much simpler times of course we were all hiding the parts of ourselves that we didn’t like, our insecurities, our losses, our pain and for those moments we were all equal and loved.

I reread all of that and think I should have been a hippy but it was a much more subconscious plane than that. Whether is was all actually real or not I chose to believe that what we all went through got us all to where we are now. When I speak to those old friends there’s a lot of “I miss those times” or “I miss what we all had”. But I guess we all had to grow up sometime.

I would have had drinks with one of them tonight. Apparently, I didn’t need the trip down memory lane even though I just went there anyway.

Those are my thoughts and memories tonight. Hope you’re having a great week.