I can't sit here and tell you that a toilet paper sponsorship is the most glamorous luxury a soon to be professional athlete has been privy to. I'm sure that deep down Jake Butt is a little disappointed that the best he could do prior to the NFL Draft was get a company to present him a decade's worth of ass wipes. Free is free, but - in terms of excitement - he probably wouldn't have had to fake it as much if a truck pulled up with a bed full of sneakers or some other materialistic thing that isn't used to absorb shit. I don't need to undersell the value of a clean asshole, but I am sure that Jake Butt is looking forward to playing his way into an endorsement deal that isn't solely predicated on having a last name that makes even the most grown man giggle.

That said, there will never, ever again come a time when Jake Butt is sitting on a toilet, frantically looking around, and thinking about how he would literally give anything for a roll of toilet paper. That post-poop, "you don't know what you got until it's gone" realization will no longer be a concern for the former Michigan tight end, and that peace of mind can't possibly be overstated. He would probably trade a 'Charmin' endorsement for something cooler like 'Nike', but there's no doubt that he would regret that transaction the first time his cheeks fell asleep on cold, unforgiving porcelain as he shamefully looked down at his socks or up at the shower. The best way to "Enjoy The Go" is to never have to worry about dreading it.