Fantasy MotoGP – The Bautista Conspiracy

This telephone conversation did not take place on Friday, June 29, 2012 at 10:20pm GMT. If it had, it would have been conducted in Italian. The imaginary caller is Livio Suppo, Marketing Director of Honda Racing Corporation (HRC). The gentleman not receiving the call is Mr. Fausto Gresini, volatile owner and team manager of the San Carlo Honda Gresini racing team.

LS: “Fausto, good evening. Livio here.”

FG (lying): “Livio, how nice to hear from you. That was some lap your boy Casey put down this afternoon. What did you do, shoot him full of meth during the rain break?”

LS: “Always kidding around, aren’t you Fausto? What was Alvaro’s problem this afternoon?

FG: “Chatter, of three types. Coming from the front tire, the rear tire, and his filthy Spanish mouth. San Carlo is on me like a cheap suit about putting that stronzo on a podium, and all I get from him is excuses. If only I had hired Andrea, none of this would be happening.”

LS: “I believe my superiors feel much the same way. Bautista seems to be improving, but not very rapidly. And although the Japanese are known for their patience, there is a limit, as we know.”

FG: “So, Livio, to what do I owe the pleasure of this late night call? I was preparing to bring a small world of pleasure to these two rather, um, gifted blonde Dutch girls that showed up at my hotel room perhaps an hour ago. And to myself as well.”

LS: “Ah, yes, Fausto, and you’re welcome. Courtesy of HRC.”

FG: “I assume there’s a catch.”

LS: “Indeed, but a very small one, in the great scheme of things.”

FG: “Pray tell, Livio. Tell me about this small ‘catch’.'”

LS: “You recall our agreement last year at Assen.”

FG (horrified): “Please don’t remind me.”

LS: “Perhaps you need a little reminding.”

FG: “Please, no, let’s not discuss that. Ordering Marco to take Lorenzo out of the TT Assen was one of the worst moments of my entire career.”

LS: “I understand, Fausto. I also understand that it was necessary, in order to ensure that Casey had an unimpeded path to the title. You and Marco played a significant part in that. We were and are still grateful for your help last year.”

FG: “And you promised, did you not, that our ‘arrangement’ last year at Assen was a one-time thing, never to be repeated.”

LS: “At the time, that was my understanding.”

FG (freaking out quietly): “Are you about to tell me that your understanding has, um, changed? Because there is no way–NO WAY–I can tell Bautista to do what Marco did last year.”

LS: “Fausto, let’s not get overly dramatic. This is, after all, just business.”

FG: “BUSINESS, MY FAT ITALIAN ASS! You PROMISED me last year you would never ask such a thing again.”

LS: “Things are different this year, Fausto. Casey is having trouble with the 1000cc bike, and his goddamned wife is whispering in his ear every week, begging him not to crash out and possibly leave their daughter without a father. At this rate, Lorenzo is a shoe-in to win the title. There is so much on the line, eh?”

FG: “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation, Livio.”

LS: “Nor can I, my friend. But your boy Bautista is not having such a great season that a crash at Assen will make much difference.”

FG: “Jesus. You are telling me to do this again. I can’t believe I’m hearing these words from the Director of Marketing for HRC. If word of this conversation ever got out, you would be ruined.”

LS: “Of course they do. They’re just more, er, discreet in how they go about things. I believe we understand one another, no?”

FG: “You bastard. But consider this–Bautista starts from eighth position tomorrow. What if he is unable to catch up to Lorenzo in time to take him out in the first turn? He will have to be changing gears while all the other riders are braking. It will be too obvious.”

LS: “Fausto, you give people too much credit. Accidents like this happen all the time, and the press overlooks all but the most obvious examples. When was the last time a rider was penalized for taking another rider out of a race? Last year, when your boy Marco body-slammed Dani at Le Mans, no one did a thing. Assuming Bautista can reach Lorenzo early in Lap One, there doesn’t figure to be a penalty, and Alvaro can then focus on the rest of the season. No more late night phone calls.”

FG: “Livio, you’re a pig, and I will hate you for weeks, make that MONTHS, about this. If I didn’t depend on you and your inscrutable Japanese bosses for my livelihood, I would come over to your apartment tonight and cut your throat.”

LS: “So, we have an agreement?”

FG: “Yes, we have an agreement. Kindly rot in hell, and have an unpleasant evening.”

LS: “And you make sure to enjoy yourself with Heidi and Gretel, Fausto. Good night.”

One Response to “Fantasy MotoGP – The Bautista Conspiracy”

[…] out there are promoting the idea that Bautista’s unseating of Lorenzo at Assen was part of a vast and implausible plot hatched at HRC headquarters in Asaka. Their “reasoning” is that HRC would gladly make a […]