TOHRI: I... am Nishikikouji Tohri. On some occasions, I am known as a capable editor-in-chief, and yet on others, as a genius inventor and artist! I am a golden pheasant fated to be the best at whatever I do. However, my brilliant career was marred by a single bird. Isa Souma. Nooooo, wasn't he going by Iwamine Shuu now...? At any rate, I must defeat that detestable chukar! The curtains are rising on my beautiful and artistic tale of revenge!WORKER: Chief, stop working yourself up with your self-centered narration over there and hurry up with the composition; we've gotta go to print already.

SHUU: While I am absent, if somebirdie comes in with an injury, administer first aid with the materials here. After that, this is the only painkiller you should use.YUUYA: This bottle looks the same as that one though?SHUU: Ohhhhh, I won't stop you if you wish to use it. Although among those who have taken a dosage, there's about a 27% chance of meeting a miserable death.YUUYA: Putting a strong poison in the same bottle as a painkiller isn't very conscientious.SHUU: Any further questions?YUUYA: When will you be back from your business trip?SHUU: In about two weeks. For the time being, I'll leave custody of this room to the infirmary club. Tohsaka-san should be returning soon as well.YUUYA: Now that you mention it, I haven't seen her since yesterday. Did you send her on an errand?SHUU: Yes; there was a crucial sample that was necessary for one of my experiments, so I sent her to fetch some garappa perillartine.YUUYA: Isn't that a little mean?SHUU: Somebirdie of her caliber ought to settle things quickly, hm? Well, look at the time.YUUYA: Infirmary assistant #1, assuming room-sitting duties!

TOHRI: Hehehehe, and now, I am face-to-face with St. Pigeonation's Academy! Doesn't it almost seem to be managed by monkeys? It was even easier to infiltrate than I had imagined. Now then, Isa Souma ought to be in the infirmary. I shall scout him out at once! ...Hmmm... Whaaat's this? I can't see anybirdie but some flashy-looking white dove. Is he not there...? Hmmmm, well, that's fine. My sources say that he stays here every day, even during summer vacation~. I shall deftly lure out that impudent partridge, and I'll make him say uncle with my new proliferously imaginative weapon!!OKOSAN: Coo coo coo! (Was that talk of saying uncle just now?! Who goes there!)TOHRI: Wh--! What are you doing here! I am busy. I would prefer you not get in my way.OKOSAN: Coo coo coo! (Whaaat's that gun-like sparkle? Allow Okosan to see.)TOHRI: Wh--! Stop it! This is my masterpiece--OKOSAN: Coo! Coo! Coo coo coo! Coo!!TOHRI: What a graceless dove!!OKOSAN: Coo! Cooooo!TOHRI: Oh nooo, th-there's no helping it. On to Plan B!OKOSAN: Coo coo coo! (Halt! We shall compete fair and square!)

TOHRI: Haahh... Hoohhhh... Just what is he...? With his "coooo"... and his "coo coo coooo"... How am I supposed to understand that. Shouldn't a dove have a more docile "coo coo"? ...Noooow then, the inside of the building is... here. Hmhm! Eaaasy. Are all the security cameras busted? You can't even call this a perfect crime. Ahhh, over here is the staff room...? Hahah! I've got an idea.

NANAKI: Lululu... Don't touch the butt~ Don't touch the butt~ Mr. Birdie's showing circles here and there~ That's... molting...TOHRI: Splendid! For today's grand finale, Nishikikouji Tohri makes an appearaaaaance! Rejoice, for all of you have been chosen as my hostageeees!NANAKI: The season has come for summer coats...TOHRI: Ah, what's this? There's only one? Keh, if only it weren't summer vacation, I would have had a standing ovation. Hey, you quail! Couldn't at least you try for some applause?NANAKI: The peacocks and the golden pheasants too~ Lose their proud feathers~ They look a little shabby...TOHRI: Excuuuse me, but I am beautiful each and every day of the year--NANAKI: Wah, wah! Uwaaah! D... Do kiwis molt?TOHRI: How would I know! Ask a kiwi. Honestly... Stop nodding off and witness the situation in which you have been placed.NANAKI: The situation in which I’ve been placed...? Ummmmm... Uhhh... Aah, you're a visitor! Please, sit down.TOHRI: That's not it!! I am not a visitor, I am a barricaded suspect, and you are the hostage! Understood?NANAKI: Ohhhhhh! It's just Mr. Barricaded Suspect? Then I'll put on some tea.TOHRI: ...I think normally, the conversation wouldn't end with me being "just" that. You aren't still falling asleep, are you, quail?NANAKI: Errrr... Have you already declared your crime, or something like that?TOHRI: Declared my crime...? Aaahaha! Is that it! I'd forgotten one of the most important parts! I'll have to announce my demands through the intercom straight away!NANAKI: The mic is over there. Ah, please use it with care.TOHRI: Ahahaha. It's fortunate that you're such a cooperative hostage. What is your name?NANAKI: Class 2-3's homeroom teacher, Nanaki. Nanaki Kazuaki.TOHRI: Nanaki Kazuaki. I shall remember it for you. You should feel honored. ...All right. ... Hey! Ladies and gentlebirds of St. Pigeonation's Academy! This is a message from the true genius artist, Nishikikouji Tohri! Just now, I have occupied the staff room! I have only one demand. Bring me Iwamine Shuu! If you do not, I shall do this and that to Nanaki Kazuaki! I repeat, bring Iwamine Shuu to the staff room! Until I am able to finish him off magnificently, I will absolutely not budge an inch!NANAKI: Waaaah, how scaryyyy. When you say this and that, what exactly will happen to me?TOHRI: Errrrr... I will... think about that later.

YUUYA: We may have gotten recent eyewitness reports on a suspicious bird, but I didn’t think he'd march on in so suddenly. I can't know the status inside from here.OKOSAN: Coo coo! (So this is where that suspicious bird escaped to!)YUUYA: Oho? San, have you already seen the culprit's face?OKOSAN: Coo coo coo! (A gaudy, gaudy bird! Yellow, and red, and blue, and green, and almost like a carnival!)YUUYA: A yellow-red-blue-green gaudy bird? ...Like I thought, it seems like it's the same suspect I've been looking for.OKOSAN: Coo coo coo! (He possessed a mysterious gun. Cowardice! A man must fight with his own wings and beak!)YUUYA: He has a gun...? If that's the case, we really can't understand the status inside. We can't break in carelessly. I hope Nanaki-sensei isn't suffering too much.

NANAKI: Nishikikouji-san, would you like milk or sugar?TOHRI: I'll have both. Two cubes of sugar. How's this... Mmmm! It smells good.NANAKI: Doesn't it? This is my favorite tea.TOHRI: You have good taste! I think we could have plenty to talk about.NANAKI: Ah, I wonder if there's still strawberry roll cake left in the fridge? Ah, if you like, would you have some with me?TOHRI: Good idea! Though if there's some elegant tableware, that would be even better.NANAKI: That's a little difficult. There are some elegant things in the reception office, though.TOHRI: That's out of the question! You're just trying to get away, aren't you? Haha, I've seen right through you.NANAKI: Ahaha! No waaay. I wouldn't do something so selfish. More importantly, Nishikikouji-san, why are you trying to finish off Iwamine-sensei?TOHRI: Goooood question! I'll have to explain in concrete terms! I was worried my audience might be too cold and unfriendly. It seems you're a quail that can sense the mood surprisingly well.NANAKI: Thanks for saying so.TOHRI: That's right! I've got an idea. First of all, I shall expose Iwamine Shuu's dark secret to you, my associate. Some harassment for him.NANAKI: Dark secret? What could it be! I'm really interested.TOHRI: Hahaha! Don't be too shocked to hear it! The true form of Iwamine Shuu, hidden behind the alias of the school doctor: a mad scientist in the upper echelons of an evil organization!NANAKI: Aaaahhhhh.TOHRI: Wh... What?! That "oh, of course" kind of face--be a little more surprised!NANAKI: No, it's just that even at the school he keeps openly doing suspicious experiments, so I don't think it's all that surprising.TOHRI: Wh--! He's concealing himself in the school while being such an openly untrustworthy character?!NANAKI: Isn't it suspicious? His appearance, his behavior, his laugh, his voice... everything about him is suspicious.TOHRI: Certainly, there's no way a school doctor with a voice like that could be a normal teacher character no matter how you think about it... Even so, I had thought he would take more care not to seem untrustworthy.NANAKI: So, if you're trying to defeat the evil Iwamine-sensei, Nishikikouji-san, does that make you one of the good guys?TOHRI: Heheh, incorrect. For I have long since transcended such cliches as good and evil! Yes, it began... about ten years ago...? Myself, and Iwamine Shuu. Though he once called himself Isa Souma. At any rate, the two of us were both employed at the same research institute! The 2nd Optical Division (of which I served as head) produced a mountain of brilliant results, and sat at the top of the department! However, that glory... That man, Isa Souma! By becoming head of the 1st Biology Division, he destroyed it!!

TOHRI: Ridiculous! Better results than the 2nd, you saaaaay? Isa Souma... Just what sort of fraud are you pulling?SOUMA: Fraud? I have no recollection of any.TOHRI: There's no way any results could rival me. You clearly used some underhanded means!SOUMA: Your accusations are false. I don't have any time to spare for anything but the research in front of me.TOHRI: Buuuut!SOUMA: Have you seen the footnotes on the report? This is a post that prioritizes rationality above all else. You, on the other hand, invent nothing without ornamentation. There are far too many unnecessary elements. If you wish to express yourself in art, then by all means. Well then.TOHRI: Ah! Hey, Isa Souma! I'm not done talking to you!

TOHRI: Do you understand? This humiliation! The fools who won't recognize my artistry! Even though there is not a shred of beauty in Isa Souma's research!NANAKI: Ahhhhh, I see. It's important to have fun no matter what you're doing, isn't it?TOHRI: And so!! I flew away to somewhere that would take me more seriously. I can't stand spending my time surrounded by birds who do not accept my legitimacy. And so, with my artistic inventions, I must make Isa Souma say uncle!NANAKI: Mmmm... I get the feeling Iwamine-sensei isn't the type of character to say "uncle" though.TOHRI: The humiliation I've endured cannot be quantified. Ahhh! There's more!

TOHRI: Hoooooold it! I cannot find the life-sized Nishikikouji bronze statue I was displaying here?!SOUMA: It was in the way, so I threw it out.TOHRI: Haaaaah?!SOUMA: This is a shared space. Please do not oppress the atmosphere with oversized garbage.

TOHRI: Isn't he awful?! This is awful, right?!NANAKI: Umm. ...That's right! He should have at least called out once before throwing it away.TOHRI: No, thinking he should throw it away is strange in itself!NANAKI: Iwamine-sensei's like that sometimes. For me as well, when I take naps in the infirmary, I carelessly leave things behind, but he throws it all out. Even my wallet. *sniff*TOHRI: That must have been an ordeal...! You and I, we've both been wronged by him. I think we could get along. Flowers will bloom... in the fields of conversation!!

YUUYA: I'd say we're currently at a stalemate. I can hear some faint voices, but... Nanaki-sensei might be negotiating the terms of his release.OKOSAN: Coooooooooo! (Have the police yet arrived?)YUUYA: I'm sending them a message. But right around now is the season for summer birds crowding the streets. Everybirdie's working on traffic control, so they'll be delayed.OKOSAN: Coo cooo! (Is that how it is?! If you wish to commit a crime, right now it's an all-you-can-commit special!)YUUYA: At any rate, we should tell him Iwamine-sensei's already left overseas, so we can't bring him--OKOSAN: Coo coo coo! (You're too slow! Okosan is breaking in!)YUUYA: Have you forgotten that the criminal has a gun? Don't be reckless-- Ah, the situation keeps getting more and more complicated. Should we just deploy the security division already?

NANAKI: Ufufu.TOHRI: Ahahahaha!OKOSAN: Coo cooooo! (What sort of atmosphere is thiiis?! The girl power is through the roof!!)TOHRI: And so then, I can't believe what he did, he looked me in the eye when I was rushing to get on the elevator, mumbled under his breath, and he just pressed the Close button isn't that so weird?!NANAKI: Aaahh, I know what you mean! After Iwamine-sensei uses up the toilet paper too, he won't replace it! I had a lot of trouble because of him.OKOSAN: Coo coo cooooo! (What are you doing, Sensei?!)NANAKI: Ah, Oko-kun! Nishikikouji-san and I were gossiping about Iwamine-sensei, and I was listening to him explain about his ordnance art. Oko-kun, you like roll cake too, don't you? Ah, I'm putting on the tea now.OKOSAN: Coo coo coooooo! (Ha! The Seagull Department Store's strawberry roll cake! Okosan's favorite!)TOHRI: That greasy form would be the wild dove from before, wouldn't it? Haha, how do you feel about Iwamine Shuu?OKOSAN: Coo coo! (Okosan does not like Iwamine-sensei! Iwamine-sensei's protein tastes like burniiiing!)TOHRI: That's right, that's right! All the medicine he makes is so hard to swallow. I think he should consider the birds who have to take it more carefully!NANAKI: Heeere we are, for you, Oko-kun!OKOSAN: Nom, nom!! Strawberry rolls are delishous!

YUUYA: If it's still silent even after the indomitable San broke in... It's possible that the opposition is more formidable than I thought. ...To the barricaded suspect, Nishikikouji Tohri. The subject of your demand, Iwamine-sensei, is on a business trip overseas. I cannot bring him to you. Release your hostage and come out.TOHRI: Do you think you can pull one over on me with that child's plaaaay?! I have reliable information in wing! You'll never deceive me!YUUYA: Hm. This is problematic. It doesn't seem like he'll respond to anything I say.SAKUYA: Sakazaki! What is all this ruckus?! Just what is happening?!YUUYA: It's what it looks like: a hostage situation. Just now Okosan was trying to handle it by forcing his way in, but well, if he can't beat 'em, then...SAKUYA: Not only has somebirdie suspicious been permitted to trespass, but he has occupied the staff room... Police! What are the police doing?!YUUYA: There's this and that extraordinary circumstance, so we can't wait around for them. Things won't be settled this way. There's no choice but for me to break in.SAKUYA: When did you get a gun?!YUUYA: In an emergency, it's an eye for an eye. I have no idea what it's like in there. Just in case, stay here on standby, please. Sakuya, adieu~SAKUYA: Sakazaki!

YUUYA: Put your wings up, Nishikikouji Tohri.TOHRI: Oh my, I've seen you before. Sniffing around for me... Are you that agent?YUUYA: I'm telling you to quietly put your wings in the air!TOHRI: No. ...And if that were my response?YUUYA: That gun's nothing out of the ordinary. So the weapon he brought here is that one neglected against the wall...? Which means he only has a handgun on him. I'm winning.TOHRI: Haa haa haa! You'll regret that choice. Ha ha! Hahaha! Ha ha ha!NANAKI: Waahhh. Sakazaki-kuuun, you're so cool!OKOSAN: Coo coo! (Okosan rejects the notion of settling anything with guns! They have no soul!)YUUYA: Hah! How's this?TOHRI: Wha--! That's unfair! Where are you?!YUUYA: Taaake this!TOHRI: Uguu?!YUUYA: Seems like Lady Luck is smiling on me. I'll be taking that gun for myself.TOHRI: Heh heh! I don't mind. Personally, I can do without something like that.YUUYA: Sure, you're armed with a laser cannon, for some reason. Too bad the pride and joy of your arsenal is up against the wall. If you always had it on you, you might have been able to win against me... But unfortunately, you were negligent.TOHRI: The negligent one... is you!YUUYA: What?OKOSAN: Coo coo!! (This machine has started up on its own!)YUUYA: Remote control? But I've got his wings, so how...?TOHRI: Allow me to introduce you! A new weapon that can be remotely controlled by specific brain waves! Its name: Nishikikouji Masterpiece #752! Optical Ordnance, Bright Laseeer!!YUUYA: Damn! It's a rear attack!TOHRI: Witness! Its beautiful laser pointer. If I only give the order, it will see right through you. If you apologized now... it would be too late!!YUUYA: Nn...OKOSAN: Coo coo coo! (No good at all! Yuuya has let his guard down while resting upon his laurels!)TOHRI: The sin of pressing my beautiful face to the ground is a heavy one! Time for you to become roast pigeon!YUUYA: Aaaaahhhh!TOHRI: Ah--ah? Ah?! Huh? ...Move! What's wrong? Don't be shy, show some of that noble art!YUUYA: Looks like it misfired somehow.OKOSAN: Coo coo! (A miraculous collaboration of birds who let their guard down!)TOHRI: Ah! Wait?! The engine is frying?! Somebirdie mixed sugar into the gasoline!!NANAKI: Ah.YUUYA: Nanaki-sensei looks like he knows something about it.NANAKI: Sorry. Earlier, I mistook it for a teacup, and carelessly poured sugar in.TOHRI: Uncle!!OKOSAN: Coooooo! (For the first time in his life, Okosan has seen somebirdie truly say uncle!)TOHRI: Carelessly?! You carelessly mistook a laser cannon for a cup?! Aaaaaaah! Isn't my delicate masterpiece ruined?!YUUYA: Heeeeh? I've heard stories, but adding sugar really does cause an engine to overheat?NANAKI: It's because sugar lumps together easily.TOHRI: Wah! Don't talk about it like it was somebirdie else who did it! What have you done to my masterpiece?! Ooooooohh!! This is completely out of line!OKOSAN: Coo, cooooo! (It smells funny as well.)TOHRI: Wait a minute! The internal pressure is off. When the sugar was put in, did it lose ventilation for the heat?! Ah, th... this is bad... At this rate-- Remember thiiiiiiiis!!

NANAKI: 10 points!YUUYA: 10 points!OKOSAN: Coooo! (10 points!)SAKUYA: What are you all doing?!NANAKI: Welllll, you see. He blasted off so magnificently, I couldn't help but be inspired to score it.OKOSAN: Coo cooooooo! (It displays hiiiiiigh artistic quality!)YUUYA: This is the first time in real life I've seen a bad guy become a star in the sky while spitting out a sharp parting remark, too. Good thing he's a third-rate self-destructing one.SAKUYA: ...I don't really understand what you mean, but can I assume the hostage situation is resolved?OKOSAN: Coo coo cooooo! (If the villain has disappeared into the sky, that is the end. That's Japanese culture!)SAKUYA: Is that so? Japanese culture... Well, fine. I'll send somebirdie after him, so keep a lookout in the general area! This particular incident was horrendously mismanaged. I must reflect upon this, and review the Academy's security system.

YUUYA: Soooo, frankly, we were in big trouble after you left. It seemed like that golden pheasant had a really strong grudge against you, Iwamine-sensei. Did you do something horrible?SHUU: Golden pheasant...? ...I don't recall.YUUYA: He called himself Nishikikouji Tohri. Even his name is gaudy, like a Dharma name...SHUU: Nishiki...kouji... The client from four years ago? No, that's not right. The other witness from the third toucan trial... isn't right either, is it?YUUYA: You really don't remember? It's rare for Iwamine-sensei's world-renowned preeminent memory to be so troubled.SHUU: You're making too much of it. I won't remember each and every thing about anybirdie I have no interest in.YUUYA: Somehow or another, it looks like Nishikikouji Tohri has some catastrophically one-sided feelings. Life doesn't always go as planned.

TOHRI: Bwsdljkk! Sslkjs! Ugh! --Ahaha, looks like somebirdie somewhere is gossiping about my artistry today. Just wait, Isa Souma. Next time, it shall be your turn to cry uncle!

Translator's Notes1. garappa perillartine - this was just the most comprehensible thing I could make of what he says, so take this with a grain of salt. A garappa is a variant of kappa "native" to Kyūshū. Perillartine, also known as perilla sugar, is a strong sweetener used in Japan, made from the perilla mint. What could this mean for Hiyoko's adventures? It's a mystery. Perhaps her adventures have nothing to do with these things at all.2. say uncle - in Japanese, the cry is "gyafun!" It's slightly different from "say uncle" since I don't think "gyafun" has any meaning outside of this phrase, whereas "uncle" obviously does. Still, I think the ridiculousness of making Shuu say it translates, so I held that as the most important point.3. different coos - as you may have guessed, when Tohri complains about Okosan's speech, he uses a different onomatopoeia (kurukuru) than Okosan generally does (pu~wa! puripokopu~wa!!) I honestly didn't know any better translation for "kurukuru" than "coo coo" though. If you want to hear the difference, buy the CD and listen!!4. Flowers will bloom... in the fields of conversation!! - this is an artistically literal translation of 話に花が咲く, a Japanese phrase referring to animated discussion or talking about mutual interests. However, in context, Tohri seems to be playing up the literal meaning, so I left it that way. Incidentally, the phrase is pronounced hanashi ni hana ga saku, so a "hana" (flower) really is in "hanashi" (conversation).5. summer birds - I'm not sure if this is clear in the translation but the implication seems to be that these are the birds who migrate away in winter, but populate Japan during the summer months.6. "if he can't beat 'em, then..." - unsurprisingly this was a different coy reference to a phrase in Japanese. Yuuya was originally referencing the phrase ミイラ取りがミイラになる, "the mummy hunter becomes a mummy", implying a switching of sides, though I think "becoming a mummy" can be read as more nonconsensual.7. Dharma name - Wikipedia is the extent of my knowledge on this subject.

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wrt the "garappa perillatine"-- I can't quite catch the original phrase on the CD, but could it possibly be somekinda shiso-based liqueur? Though it doesn't really make sense to send Hiyoko to fetch that, either-- a mutant kappa probably is a better target for her particular talents.