I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.

A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps. ‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’ ‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’