Now that we're finding out athletes are fucking around on their wives and waving guns and shit around, we need better people to give Things We Can Buy their endorsement so we can feel better and more at ease about buying them! So: who else could Gaga endorse that would make for spectacular creative capitalistic synergy? Ideas!

Lady Gaga's 3M Gaffer Tape: Carrie Fisher used it to tape her boobs in place during Star Wars because there's no underwear in space. Continuing the legacy of Gay Icons who have used Gaffer Tape to epic extent, Gaga's gotta use something to pack the penis in. A small strip of Gaffer Tape is gray and ugly or, in the thighs of Gaga, a stark, modernist object that stands for the oppression we will upon ourselves. And when you rip it off and let it all hang out, it will—figuratively and literally—be painful. An extra $10 will get you Gaga's "Rocky Horror" Flesh Tones.

What do Lady Gaga, Dan Abrams, Lady Gaga's Penis, and Rachel Sklar have in common with JFK?…
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Yamaha Pianos by Lady Gaga. The high-end luxury goods market has barely been penetrated by Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis; those Dr. Dre headphones cost a little over $100 bones. Bring it up a notch! Gaga's proven she can rock the keys with glorious fierceness they haven't seen since Liberace. You're telling me your flamboyant, rich friends wouldn't buy one of these baby grands off of her? An extra $2,000 gets it automated, ships with both The Fame Monsterand the Original Cast Album from Gypsy on the same player-piano disc. Ultimate party conversation piece; everyone in Hell Kitchen who's anybody will have one.

Secret by Lady Gaga: Athletes have for too long dominated the world of Deodorant Endorsements! It changes here. And Secret's too obviously the brand to go with.

1.Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.2. It's called "Secret."

NERF's Poker Face Blaster by Lady Gaga. Just like Lady Gaga won't turn your children gay unless they're already gay, NERF guns won't kill your children unless your children already plan on killing each other. Also, like Nerf, Lady Gaga is harmless unless she gets you in the eye. And doesn't she look great with a fake gun? All of which goes without saying that "Poker Face" is so obviously about how she can "get" you, sucka (which her touring partner Kid Cudi pointed out to genius effect in the chorus of "Make Her Say").

The point here is that Lady Gaga has a penis, and I don't care what you say. Some things were meant to be believed in.