Can someone have a look at and critique my latest SCP draft: Nineteen Fishing Boats? I wrote it pretty quickly today after reading a news article online. (I did, however, take the time out to plan the report first.)

First, I'm going to straigt up say this is a bad idea, which I don't often say. It's North Korean fishing boats that force people to fish. Executing this in a way that's not offensive/insensitive would be very, very, difficult. But hey, maybe I'm wrong and you can pull it off.

Now, onto minor issues.

The blackboxing here is a) pointless from an in-universe standpoint, because why would that info be redacted? 2) pointless from an out-of-universe standpoint, as filling in the blanks was trivial.

Also, the "nineteen (19)" thing is an old Series 1 cliché that we don't use anymore, because it's bad writing. Just say nineteen or 19.

The last addendum is unnecessary, and again, is very similar to Series 1 in tone and style, which isn't a good thing.

The first note you made is enough reason for me to dump this, realistically. If it comes across as offensive now, it probably will still be in the foreseeable future. Someone probably could do this without being offensive, but at this stage, that person is not me.

This should also serve as a warning for me: pass all ideas through Brainstorming first. This would've been avoided if I had.

At first glance, your SCP’s concept leaves me a bit wanting. They’re a compulsion-creating thing; while they’re actually pretty unique and straightforward compared to other compulsions (fishing is surprisingly untouched on the site), it isn’t really much else.

Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-XXXX are to be kept in the dry dock of Site-55. All investigations of the interior and extractions of additional items must be undertaken via remote-controlled automata. Instances may only be boarded by D-Class personnel under testing conditions.

The word you’re looking for is “drone”, not “automata”.

Amendment to existing procedures (as of ██/██/20██): Mobile Task Forces Pi-2 (“Baldr's Pyre”) and Gamma-6 (“Deep Feeders”) are tasked with patrolling known fishing zones for additional instances of SCP-XXXX, with Pi-2 concentrating on seafaring and beached instances, while Gamma-6 searches for sunken instances.

Is there really a threat of more objects being discovered? This kind of thing is a little unusual.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a series of nineteen (19) wooden fishing vessels, similar in style to those used in █████ █████. Remnants of the █████ ██████ flag can be found on some instances, however no other identifying marks are present. The remains of ██ male humanoids were also present between the nineteen vessels, but upon extraction and subsequent examination were deemed non-anomalous.

Okay, this seems somewhat familiar. I don’t love the huge BLACKBOX for the locations, unless they’re some kind of like, Atlantis or something - if you blackbox a location, generally it’s to make things a bit easier, or leave an Easter Egg for people to discover.

I straight up dislike blackboxing the numbers, though. There’s no real reason to do so. Is there 12 corpses, or 87? The lack of a number here really just takes away and distracts the descriptions.

When an instance of SCP-XXXX is boarded by a humanoid, they are compelled to set sail in the vessel and fish. This effect only seems to occur while they are in the vessel; once they depart from the vessel, the effect dissipates. Additionally, the compulsion to fish supercedes most other priorities, including eating and sleeping.

Okay so are they schooners? Like, old fashioned ancient sailing vessels? This effect has a vaguely legendary feel for it.

SCP-XXXX were discovered after floating onto the east coast of █████ on ██/██/20██. When police officials tried to board an instance to investigate, its anomalous properties manifested, although their attempt to set sail was thwarted due to the instance's immobility. MTF Pi-2 recovered the objects and delivered them to Site-55.

Okay, so, modern day.

I don’t know what this really means. “the instances immobility” doesn’t really make sense, is it stuck in place? How did it catch the attention of the Foundation?

Addendum XXXX-1: On ██/██/20██, shortly after the acquisition of SCP-XXXX, two tests were conducted. The first, using SCP-XXXX-5, was with D-69823 and D-98343, with an audio recording device attached to D-69823. Attached is a portion of the two-day-long conversation recorded:

D-69823: Has that last load come in?
D-98343: Yes, sir.
D-69823: How are we looking?
D-98343: About 200kg, sir.
D-69823: It's not enough. We need more fish. The Great Leader will want more fish. We don't stop until we have gotten enough fish.

As far as technical/grammar goes, in dialogue you pronounce the whole word. Kilograms, not kg.

The recorded conversation continued in this manner for most of the recording, with an interruption 31 hours 29 minutes in, caused by an attempted interception by a coast guard vessel. For the next 17 minutes, the recording indicates that D-69823 and D-98343 actively thwart all attempts by the coast guard to intercept and board them.

At 45 hours 19 minutes, the following fragment is heard:

D-98343: Sir, we are going down!
D-69823: I can see that! But do we have enough fish?
D-98343: No, sir!
D-69823: Then keep fishing! The Great Leader will want more fish!

SCP-XXXX-5 was discovered sunken three days after testing began by MTF Gamma-6, with the drowned corpses of D-69823 and D-98343, and approximately 980kg of fish.

The second test, involving SCP-XXXX-13, D-60874, D-68043 and D-76950, was conducted two days after the retrieval of SCP-XXXX-5. Recorded conversations from D-60874's recording device yielded similar content to the first test; however, the test resulted in all personnel on board dying from malnutrition.

More of the same. I don’t think it’s possible to die of malnutrition in two days, at all. It’s just not enough time. Extreme exhaustion, maybe?

Dialogue's okay, not awful but not particularly interesting. The "second test" paragraph is… i mean it doesn't really add anything.

That's a big problem with this SCP, it just kind of gives a paranormal compulsion to fulfill its purpose in an extreme way.

Memorandum XXXX-2:

Given the results from our two tests, we request further searches for additional instances of SCP-XXXX. - Dr Yanis.

Granted. Gamma-6 and Pi-2 will be tasked with searching for additional instances of SCP-XXXX. The containment procedures will be amended to reflect this. - O5-3

This is just kind of useless. It adds nothing to the article, other than that a Doctor with an admittedly awesome name wants more tests. :/

Collapse'd. ~Zyn

Overall this SCP doesn’t really have a whole lot going for it, yet. It’s based off of a news story coming from North Korea and is kind of really heavy handed with it. :/

I think that a fleet of fishing vessels, or even just one fishing vessel with a unique effect, could have promise. Something simple, maybe linked to some myth or legend; If you want to dive in on that, do a bit of research and see if that further inspires you. But right here, there isn’t much of a story. Or really anything other than an over the top object (or series of objects) that does its thing well.

See if you can use a fishing vessel as a core item, but put some other kind of thing with it. A haunting might be interesting; don't make it interdimensional or alien. It's all about execution.