Sometimes, even with family and friends around, I feel desperately alone. I
feel so unable to make them understand what is happening to me, that I might as
well be the only one in the world.

I don’t feel this way as often as I used to – but it still happens.

The last few months have been very tough for me and I have even gone back to
thinking that the world would be a far better place without me messing things
up. Not rational? Yes – I know, but it does not stop those thoughts and feelings
from seeming so real.

On the 4th of June my father went into palliative care at my local hospital
and rapidly went downhill and passed away on the 11th. Although he was very ill,
the speed of his passing surprised us all. I was sitting next to him on the
evening he died, as I was when my mother died from cancer too.

As I watched that final breath go and his body relax – I suddenly felt as
though the weight of the world had descended on me. I was the oldest living one
of my family now and it frightened me. I knew what had happened when my mother
passed away and how everything had fallen on to me to do, and I wanted it all to
go away.

I called my wife and my brother and they came to the hospital to meet with
me. My brother broke down in tears, my wife had a few quiet sobs, but I was in a
cocoon of my own. None of it seemed real – it was if a 3rd person was watching
it all and reporting it to me. I took care of the hospital and undertaker
details and then we said our goodbyes and went home.

From then until the funeral on the 16th I made sure all the arrangements were
completed, or at least someone outside of me seemed to. The cocoon was still
there and I felt nothing. The service went well according to everyone there. I
said all that I wanted to with my brother who shed a few tears along with the
family and yet I couldn’t show emotion at all.

The day after the funeral I entered hospital to have a total knee replacement
operation. The operation itself went very well but the recovery has not been as
good as hoped for and I have lost a lot of mobility in the knee at the moment.

About a week after I got home from hospital, I was sitting in my living room
as my wife came in from work and suddenly, the cocoon burst and I broke down
into uncontrollable crying. When my wife put her arm around me and asked what
was wrong, I replied, “I don’t know!” This has happened a few times since that
day.

I really didn’t know. I just suddenly felt that life was all too much to
handle. I couldn’t explain it too myself let alone to any one else. Later I
thought back on the day of the funeral and realized that about 300 people who
attended had surrounded me, and yet it seemed as if I had been a pebble on the
seashore and the waves and water were flowing around and over me without
affecting me at all.

It was even the same at my psychiatrist’s yesterday. I have good relationship
with my doctor but as we reviewed what had been happening since my last visit I
started crying again. Now whenever I start crying in front of people, no matter
whom, I feel so weak and embarrassed. A man should be able to handle life
without blubbering like a baby, or so I was taught, and as the oldest son it was
expected of me to set the example for my younger brother.

Again, not rational thinking? Okay, the rational part of me understands that
crying in itself is a normal healthy reaction to some of the stresses of life,
but I have not as yet completely overcome the shame I feel when I do cry and how
alone I feel when this happens.

I can’t explain why I feel this way – so again I feel alone and isolated when
it happens, no matter whom I am with, even my lovely wife.

The people who have made a difference at these times for me have been those
wonderful people who have taken the time to read my ramblings and emailed me
with their comments. Then I don’t feel so alone – there are others who share
similar experiences in their lives. Thank you all – for as some of you have said
that I may have shared something’s that have helped. You too have done the same.

One person who responded to one of my articles sent me some poems that
touched me so much that I asked her permission to include them in my personal
website. I have included one with this article because it really helped my feel
less alone. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you Dianna.