Novelist and journalist Dave Hill

July 20, 2006

Blair: “The money-lenders have shafted me. God, it's embarrassing. Just as well I am incapable of error.”

Cameron: “The whole thing is a shambles. Why are your lot so crap?”

Blair: “It’s not a complete shambles. What more do you want?”

Cameron: “Gordon put up stamp duty, which didn’t help home buyers either. See how cleverly I’ve dragged your successor into this?”

Blair: “We’ve kept interest rates down, which is more than your lot did.”

Cameron: “Here’s another thing you said you'd do and haven’t: being nastier to people who attack public servants. We Tories love public servants, suddenly. Isn’t my re-branding project going well?”

Blair: “Not fair! You voted against tougher penalties!”

Cameron: “There’s a dazzling internal logic to my PMQs strategy today: first I say you’re useless; then I say Gordon’s useless too; and now to round things off, I declare that you are quietly dumping a whole bunch of useless policies and, what’s more, that thick prole Prezza will be in charge while you’re on holiday!”

Blair: “Don’t you talk to me about policies! You’ve only got three and they’re a joke!”

July 13, 2006

Cameron: “You want to merge some of our regional police forces. But even the only two who agreed to the idea can’t make it work. I know they’re being horses’ arses. But I was rude about the cops in a speech I made on Monday and a fat lot of good it did me. So now I’d better sound as though I’m on their side. This whole idea’s gone tits up, hasn’t it?”

Blair: “Oh, it’s just a technical thing. If I sit down quickly you might go away.”

Cameron: “No I won’t. I asked you before if forcing them to merge would be abandoned. You said ‘no’. And here’s a Blue Peter joke: one I prepared earlier. Haven’t you been wasting police time?”

Blair: “No, no, we’ve been listening to their concerns because, frankly, it’s our only chance of emerging from this debacle with even a shred of credibility. Mergers remain, er, on the agenda, because, let me see, greater strategic co-operation across force lines is required. I hope that’s vague enough for me to cover my behind at some later stage when Noddy Reid here on my left has fudged some way out of this whole mess.”

Cameron: “ID cards are a cock-up too, aren’t they?”

Blair: “No they’re not. They’re just...challenging, that’s all. And we need them to keep out illegal immigrants and to stop ID fraud – ooh, scary! - and I would say to fight terrorism, but frankly no one believes that bollocks any more.”

Blair: “Difficult, dear me, yes, bluster, bluster, national security, blah-de-blah, new passports, diddle-dum. Anyway, you’ll support them in the end just like you do everything else. That’s because you’re a chameleon (it says here).”

Cameron: “You’re rubbish and so’s Prezza. Will that cowboy be in charge while you’re on holiday? I know he will be, of course, but I’d like to hear you say it because doing so will embarrass you.”

Blair: “I can’t possibly do that because then I’ll have to lie about having complete confidence in him and everyone will die laughing. Instead I’ll tell you you’re a bit of fluff.”

Cameron: “Will Prezza be the gaffer? Yes or no?”

Blair: “The usual arrangements will be made: that’s the least bad evasion I can come up with and I’ll quickly change the subject. You haven’t got any policies and even those you’ve suggested are a joke. And now you’ve had all six allotted questions, which means you can’t come back at me again. So there.”

July 06, 2006

In politics there are some things you have to pretend not to be arguing about...

PART ONE

Cameron: “I’m a young, modern One Nation kind of guy so I’ll make a big noise about one of the British soldiers killed in Afghanistan the other day being a Muslim. Now, as my friend Weird Willy Hague has noticed, it isn’t going awfully well out there. Our military top brass say the Taliban are feistier than expected. Do you agree with him? This is my sneaky way of saying that the mission is a shambles without risking being accused of undermining our troops, which is what always happens if you criticise a war.”

Blair: “I’ll sidestep that innuendo by pretending not to have noticed it and simply say that the Taliban are nasty and don’t want democracy, which makes me look virtuous and glosses over awkward details.”

Cameron: “Yesterday you said you hadn’t been asked to provide reinforcements. Were you referring to equipment as well as troops, you slippery shit? I mention this because I happen to know they’d like more kit as well.”

Blair: “They haven’t asked for anything but I’ll kind of admit that I know they’re going to in order to cover my arse and I’ll pledge to give them the extra help because I know as well as you do that I’ve already decided to give it. Furthermore, and to make myself look very grave and statesmanlike, I’ll say that our soldiers in Afghanistan are absolutely marvellous and serving not only our country but also the whole world. Rubbing up against military uniforms in this way works well as a deterrent against difficult questions and provides me with a shield of piety that you are far too chicken to strike a blow against.”

Cameron: “Now that the mission is involving more fighting and more casualties than the public were expecting I’ll remind them in passing that the mission is supposed to be about reconstruction. Boy, are you in the shiut! Anyway, the UN General Secretary has suggested sending a special representative to help ensure that all the different organisations involved in the task are properly co-ordinated. This is another subtle way of pointing out that reconstruction isn’t happening properly. Do you agree with the General Secretary?

Blair: Oh, maybe. The thing is we’re really nice. Oh, and another thing, we’re trying to stop the Afghans growing heroin. It’s always worth mentioning that when your justification for being in their country is looking shaky in electors’ eyes. Also, let me say that I hope the other countries with troops out there keep pulling their weight like we are. It’s always handy to blame your failures on foreigners, I find.”

PART TWO

Cameron: “It’s a year since 7/7 and most of the people injured are still waiting for compensation. Would you agree that they’ve been treated badly, and with my implication that it’s all your fault?”

Blair: “The people responsible for being crap are nothing to do with the me. Having said that I don’t want to look like I don’t care, so I’ll just throw in that I’m constantly nagging them.”

Cameron: “You were right when you said that our Muslims need to root out their extremists. But how about a nationwide citizenship programme for everyone? Now there’s a wizard wheeze of mine.”

Blair: “Yes, I’m all for shared values like tolerance, respect, democracy and liberty, except for anyone who disagrees with me in which case I dismiss them as 'ub-zurd'.”

June 29, 2006

Cameron: "I've got a True Blue tie on this time. That's because I'm going to talk about bombs - kind of. Last week you said there'd be a debate about replacing Trident. Then Gordon said that he had already decided to do it. There's not much point you being here, is there?"

Blair: "It's in the manifesto. I'm all for replacing it. I hope that's fudged it but I'm not holding my breath."

Cameron: "Gordon said we'll get to vote on it. I couldn't care less if we do or don't cos that's not why I'm asking this next question. The real reason is that I know you can't answer it. So will we get a vote or not?"

Blair: "Oh shit, now you've got me by the balls. I'll keep smiling, waffle a bit then change the subject. That Bill Of Rights kite you flew at the weekend: didn't make you look as clever as you thought it would, did it? So let's discuss that instead."

Cameron: "No chance. It's more fun embarrassing you about Gordon. Will we get a vote on new nukes or not?"

Cameron: "Here's the joke me and my mates have been working on for weeks: you're the David Brent of politics; utterly redundant, just hanging around The Office! Boom boom!"

Blair: "Here's a list of my nice new policies, just to signal that I'm still in charge. You've hardly got any policies at all and even those are duds. The longer I drone on about that the more people will forget that I didn't answer the question you knew I wouldn't answer when you asked it. Phew."

PART TWO

Cameron: "I'm a compassionate Conservative. I care about the starving of the world. That's why I'll namecheck Oxfam, which says the World Trade talks aren't getting anywhere. What are you doing about it?"

Blair: "It will be jolly difficult to get things done. I know this better than you do you, because I am the prime minister you know. Very, very difficult. Dear me."

June 21, 2006

Cameron: ‘You’ll notice that my tie is a greyer shade of green this week and with complementary spots on too. I’m such a babe! Now, two weeks ago you said you’d work with me to help reduce knife crime. Is that going to happen before you bring in a law about it or not? I’m mentioning this in the hope that when it becomes clear that you won’t work with me you’ll look like a bullshitter as a result and also because it’s been a while since I came out with my friendly-and-cooperative spiel.’

Blair: ‘I never said I’d work with you. I said I’d think about it. By this I actually mean that I wouldn’t work with you if you ate Prescott, whole, right in front of me and spat his bones all over Gordon and also that if and when you fail to vote in favour of my new law I’ll be able to cry: “Told you so! Soft on crime!”’

Cameron: ‘I’ll take that as a yes, even though it isn’t what you said. Now, how about I wind you up by suggesting we Tories work with you to stop police forces from being merged? I can afford to say this because I know it won’t happen either even though the Home Secretary has agreed with me that a review of proposed mergers is required. How about you promise that no changes will happen until the review has been completed?

Blair: ‘No chance. The problem is that so many people are moaning about the mergers that we’ve got to make it look as though we’re listening. After we’ve done that we’ll do pretty much what we feel like anyway. Oh, and by the way: since I’ve got to keep my red top masters onside over hating paedos I’ll drag up last week’s little tiff again. You said Craig Sweeney would be out within six years. I’ll put it that way even though it isn't what you said. And actually, thanks to me, he could stay locked up forever. I won’t mention the inconvenient fact that he’ll be considered for parole after he’s been inside for less than six years because even though the judge thinks he'd be unlikely to get it I want to send the message that I hate paedos more than you do.’

Cameron: ‘I can’t be assed with getting into all that stuff again. Instead I’ll quickly remind everyone that your friend Fatty Falconer and your little Home Office soldiers have all being saying different things about it. Now, back to my old flannel about “working together”. We want a single force to police Britain’s borders. So do loads of important people. How about you, grandad?’

Cameron: ‘The Home Office is making things up as it goes along. That chief constable said so the other day, though I won’t go into specifics in case The Sun sez I don’t hate paedos enough. The whole ministry is a shambles and you’ve been prime minister for nine years. You’re past it, mate! Move on!’

Blair: ‘Here’s one of my lists: crime down, nastiness to asylum-seekers up blah-de-blah. The problem you lot have with me is I’m too toff. I mean “tough”. That was a Freudian slip, possibly prompted by my acute self-consciousness about being almost as much of a toff as you are, something I try to cover up by letting a glottal stop creep into my accent when I’m talking about football like on 6-0-6 the other night. Anyway, you talk tough but don’t act it. Tough, tough, tough, that’s me! Oooh, just saying it excites me!’

June 15, 2006

Yesterday's Prime Minister's Questions got a bit fierce and a bit confusing. What were they on about, exactly? Here, a little late, is my reading of what was said.

PART ONE

Cameron: ‘It’s another light green tie day for me: I’m crumpet, I am! But don’t go thinking I’m some kind of softy. I say the new Home Secretary’s rubbish! So there!

Blair: ‘You’ve been going on all week about a bunch of lifers being let out early. But that’s only because your lot passed the law that made it possible. Since our law came into force no one jailed for life has been let out. Banged up forever, they are! Hah!’

Cameron: ‘Heard about that paedo, have you? The one who got eighteen years and might be out in six? No point blaming the judge for it. He was only doing what your new law told him to!’

Blair: ‘That’s cobblers! He’d be out already if we hadn’t passed our new law. And you voted against it, just like you’ve voted against all our new laws that aren’t a lot of use but mean we can swagger about saying we’re tough on crime. We’re much, much better at it than you lot are! Look at me doing it now! See how red my face is? See this finger? See it jab?'

Cameron: ‘I’m going to ignore what you’ve just said and instead complain that under your law crooks get out of jail halfway through their sentences. And another thing: in fact, that paedo might still get a longer sentence and that would be because of our law, wouldn’t it?'

Blair: ‘I’m going to wriggle out of that one by repeating that we’re tough, tough, tough! Oooh, I just love saying it! Why, thanks to our law if you get sent down for four years or more you’ve no chance of getting out early! No chance! And while we’re at it let’s talk about locking up people who haven’t even been found guilty of anything! If you hadn’t stopped us we’d have been able to do it for much, much longer and we’d be doing it already! You talk the talk but you won’t walk the walk! Same thing with Asbos! You’re a pansy, mate!’

Cameron: ‘I still think the Home Secretary’s rubbish. Why don’t you kick his arse?’

Blair: ‘Actually, he’s got an idea for another new law! Everso tough, it’s going to be! If you don’t vote for it we’ll all know you’re a pansy, won’t we? So there yourself!'

PART TWO

Cameron: ‘I want people to believe that I care about health service nurses. A lot of them might get sacked because of cutbacks in the NHS and it’s all your fault.’

Blair: ‘I got a bit worked up back there, didn’t I? So now I’m going to act all calm and respectfully point out that we’ve put an awful lot of money into the NHS, which means we care about nurses more than you do.’

Cameron: ‘Pull the other one. Nurses are getting sacked all over the place! And that Hewitt woman said this was a good year! Make her apologise will you?

Blair: ‘One of the ways we’re nice to nurses and other health care workers is that we’re paying them better and protecting their pensions. As it happens that’s where all the bloody money’s gone, but I won’t half be for it if I look pissed off about that. So I won’t. I’ll just sit down quietly instead.’

June 07, 2006

Earlier today Tony Blair and David Cameron crossed swords during Prime Minister's Questions. Here is a digest of their exchanges.

PART ONE

Cameron: ‘I’ve got a lovely lime green tie on. I’m young and gorgeous, unlike you. And, by the way, a lot of poor people are being asked to give back money to the Treasury because a certain person in your government is useless. I love poor people, d’ya hear?’

Blair: ‘I love poor people more than you do. I’ve got a list to prove it.’

Cameron: ‘It’s all Gordon’s fault but you’re too scared to say so. Why won’t you boot him up the arse?’

Blair: ‘I’m going to read out some more statistics. It’s a good way of avoiding the question.’

Cameron: ‘Gordon is rubbish and I’ll mention him again because he’ll be doing your job soon.’

Blair: ‘It was worse for poor people when you lot were last in power. I know that was years ago. But I'll mention it anyway because since you've been going on about how much you love poor people you have risen in the polls. So I'll say anything I can think of to make it look like I love them more than you.’

PART TWO

Cameron: ‘The ladies fancy me, you know. Anyway, when are you going to get tough about knives?’

Blair: ‘I’m already getting tough! The problem is you can’t bang people up for simply for carrying a knife because they might have a good reason for it, such as being terrified of getting stabbed. But I daren’t mention stuff like that because it won’t look tough. Instead, I have to say things that sound tough even though they’re mostly just soft options and hot air and probably won’t make much difference. See, I’ve got a list of them here.'

Cameron: ‘You said ages ago that you’d get tough on knives. I saw you do it on the telly.’

Blair: ‘I’m certainly thinking jolly hard about how to look tough in the ways that you suggest. I daren’t say anything more sensible about this subject in case someone calls me a poof - even though my tie is much more butch than yours.’