Sunday, June 29, 2008

Apparently just about 2 months. Not that I don't still think about Tom, about what went wrong, "why?", etc... I do think about that stuff sometimes, but it's not first in the morning, and last at night, anymore.

The stuff he gave me is still here. I still think the japanese fishing hat is the coolest thing on our hat-stand. The jewelry he gave me is still some of my favorite stuff; the texts, the most romantic ever.

I'm just no longer feeling like he was the right person for me. It's sort of a relaxed kind of dissapointment now.

Just thought I should share, since SO many of my friends helped to hold me together when I was falling apart. And now, it's probably time to get MY life back on track (school, work, etc); Tom seriously derailed me for a while, with all that love nonsense.

And, remember when my marriage split up and, even though I did the dumping, I felt so terribly betrayed, broken, and alone? Ah, memories. But, several months later, that pain also passed.

I think that's the story of that single koi fish shoulder tattoo (who currently seems to be trapped in some sort of middle ground between swimming upstream and blowing in the wind). Resisting lonliness is resisting one's most natural and most effortless state of being, the Osho masters might say.

Then, why is it that I feel like I am at my ABSOLUTE best when I can complement someone's uniqueness? When my skills and qualities can be appreciated and someone else's qualities can be appreciated by me? That's where strong friendships come into play, and help to fill that void, somewhat...

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Ahhh. The most taxing thing I've had to do yet today was try and remember my paypal password so I could pay for this rediculously cheap dress that I won (99 cents). Cute, huh? Hope it doesn't end up being really awful.

It's going on the trip with me, to the land of perfect weather and waterfalls and salsa dancing. I hear Colombia is exceedingly sexy and style-concious, and I'm suiting up, oh yessiree. Well, sort of.

How much tattoo to keep covered while I'm out and about there has also been on my mind. My abuelita's really cool, but I don't want to embarrass them, so I'll try to bring a flexible wardrobe.

Anyways. The kids are at a birthday party with Harry now. I should probably go be productive... I have some stuff I need to be doing, now that it's well into the afternoon. I don't really believe in getting up and out of the house early. Especially not on the weekends, if it can be helped.

Clearly, Friday was a fluke. Although I felt like I had been let into some secret society where McDonalds really does serve breakfast items (like they say on the radio!), it caught up with me. I don't know if I'm ready to trade in my owlish ways yet.

Besides, McDonalds gives always me a bad stomach ache.

My plan for the day:

The gym. I skipped W/Th/F because of work, so that's probably why I was depressed yesterday. I get silly-happy from all those endorphins.

Sewing? That one is a maybe. The other new dress, the one I'm making, is about half way finished.

I figured out the downside to going to work in the morning like other folks...

I did my stuff. I picked up the children at 1:30 pm. They had gone swimming, I had cut vegetables.

We did some other stuff.

Then, at home, it was settling in time and I considered myself very lucky for a moment that I wouldn't be coming home from work and putting the kids to bed at midnight. Until the malaise hit.

When I come home that late, I am always purpose driven, not to mention high on cleaning chemicals. Sleeping children are carried upstairs, one by one. Then I unload the car and change clothes, settle in to having a drink and plugging into my laptop or a book.

But, tonight, Oh! I sat here and pondered WHY it is that I feel so lonely and depressed for a moment, and then no longer cared.

But, see, really, everything IS great, so this doesn't make sense.

- My little business has had several sales this week, and even a custom order from a stranger.

- I'm STILL the highest bidder on an adorable cream colored dress on ebay. Cream is one of my best colors, too.

- I'm going on a kick ass, month long trip to South America in about 3 weeks.

- My kids don't have cavities.

I know with as great as all that is, I should be happy (enough), but I want to feel important. I want to feel like somebody wants me, and frankly, that's just not the case right now. Well, of course, my kids technically need me, but that's different. But I shouldn't cling to their need for me, because I clearly don't want to hamper their growth.

Anyways, maybe Conner sensed my bad mood. He came downstairs, naked and with some mosquito bites on his rear end, complaining about the texture of his cover sheet, and I happily met his need. The next time he came downstairs, it was that the fuzzy blanket he thought he wanted was making him TOO hot. Then, it was that the mosquito bites were actually hurting him.

Finally, I sat next to his bed and sang (warbled?) everything in my 'simple songs repetoire'.

All the basics PLUS:

Home On The RangeHow Much Is That Doggie In The Window?She'll Be Comin' Round the MountainDo You Know The Muffin Man?Do Your Ears Hang Low?The Star Spangled Banner (!!!)

I was one minute away from Come As You Are and Spoonman, I swear it, before he decided I felt important enough, and closed his eyes.

Friday, June 27, 2008

This week, I asked for the Friday lunch shift instead of my usual closing one, because

1) The opening driver doesn't have to sweep, mop, clean the restrooms, vacuum the dining room, wash the hobart, do ALL the dishes, take out the trash and also make dough and sauce, plus, of course, the actual job of delivering the food.

The opening driver pretty much makes dough (I could do that in my sleep by now!), cuts veggies, & weighs out portions of pasta and meat. True, I only had two deliveries, but the work load is so light, I could hardly believe it!

2) I want to start transitioning to being slightly less nocturnal. Tom was an awful influence on my already weak bedtime habits... He was working third shift and I was staying up until 4:30 or 5 am to talk to him on his lunchbreak. Insanity.

Now, I just stay up till then because I am used to it, and it's been a couple of months now, since the break up.

So, last night, I tried to go to bed early (2 something) and I made myself get up at 7:30 am.

Shower, go pick up kids from their dad (20 mile drive), take them to get coffee and plain donut for each of us, and then to my moms (20 miles, other direction). Then off to work I went (30 miles, back whence I came).

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Well, mostly to Kim. I needed a short notice babysitter for work tonight, and she said no problem, come right over.

It's great because our 4 kids have known each other since they were in utero. After the split up with Harry, I wondered how these kinds of relationships would work out. For the past two years, us four groun ups have spent less time together (because it's awkward hanging out w/ H), but the kids finally got to bounce around this evening.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

So, those of you who have been there/done that with dating... how long is the indeterminable period, now? How much time is "normal" to pass between last night and the next time I hear from him?

Just to put things in perspective, Tom was texting me again just minutes after our first few real dates, and we all know how BADLY that ended, so I'm certainly not saying I want anyone to follow suit.

I'm just worried now that I got it all wrong.

SC and I had a fun night. Well, I had fun, and he said he did. I know, I'm all doubts sometimes. And then he said that line that is tv cliche for 'you will never hear from me again'... "I'll call you".

Just so you can be as confused as me, I will add that he made a point of doing the touching my arm thing in conversation, and he was actually asking me questions about myself (I did ask him things too, when I got that chance). When the subject of the beach came up, he literally said he wants to go with me (yes, even though I'm all inked up, haha).

Perhaps it's silly to agonize over any of this he said/I said stuff, but I have something to say that is going to rock your world:

Guys lie.

Please, contain yourselves. I know it's horrid and shocking.

In the past year or so, I have seen and heard it all. And I'm talking about situations where the guy didn't have to lie. I have grown wary.

Soccer-cutie and I had a good ole time at the first spot and got kicked out at midnight, so we headed to locale numero dos. Until, you guessed it, we were kicked out. Not because we were misbehaving, just closing times.

Can you believe it... that man has NO TATTOOS? I know, me either. But he thinks mine are cute. Ok, you caught me, I've been drinkin and blogging. BUI???

So, anyways, yes, after a month of having each others numbers & light texting we did work a date out of our hectic schedules.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Anyways, it was a good Sunday at work. I think that's it folks, except that I read about a new Muppet movie (by Jason Segal) on Perez Hilton yesterday.

Do you love the Mups like I do? I love Miss Piggy being blamed for stealing the baseball diamond and she and Kermit kissing when he visits her in jail. I love when they fall from the sky in their pet shipping crates, into the pond of an English park. I love Kermit playing a banjo.

It was a trade off, but you know what, well worth it. It's really nice to entertain at home (do I sound like I've been reading the society pages of Vouge or what?), especially on such a hot day, and even more so when the guest is good looking, funny, and artistically minded.

Ok, enough. But, you know what? It's nice to spend time talking with someone different, and to discover at the end of the afternoon, that there were a hundred things left to discuss. Fun!

So, that was Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday, when Ben (soccer-cutie) and I have pushed up our (still tentative) plans to. No, he's not the sexy-beach-date-who-(kinda)stood-me-up. I still haven't figured out what to do about that whole thing. No, Ben is really nice. You know, he sent a text a few days after the kids birthday party to ask how it went and also one after the concert on Friday. Nice. Nice is good. We just can't seem to have time in common. He works alot, and I have very specific free days. When I'm available, he's out of town. When he's available, I'm busy with my kids, or working.

And then, we'll have a day we think will work (TUESDAY, this time) and we don't end up getting together for that first date. What do you think? Is it never going to happen?Kinda like trying to make plans with John the Biter (aka John the Asshole). [Don't you just love epithets?]

He and I just cannot seem to not have opposite work schedules, but the time we do spend together is fun. He's moving to Pensacola for their kick ass Anthropology program (Hm funny, I seem to recall SOMEBODY ELSE who planned on going there... me!). I recently found out he'll be gone before I get back from Colombia, and I looked kinda sad, so he said, "Hey, there's lotsa time between now and then (meaning, when I leave)" but I don't feel like it. Don't worry, no more long distancing here, we've always been casually involved... with really good chemistry, anyways.

Also, I've got some great hot pink, purple, and black paisley satin to make a dress out of. I need something a little dressy that covers the massive tattoo project on my back and shoulders, for the trip.

I can't decide on a neckline. Argh. I don't sew using patterns (patterns are for sissy's), I prefer to make it up as I go, but I can't start if I don't have a solid goal. And so far, all I have are sketches that all look as good as each other to me. I do have a plan for a kind of quirky, innovative way of shaping-in the torso which will also be a major time saver. I can't wait to get to that part of the work.

Oh, and way more important than all this crap; Amy had her baby!!!He is really something, mmm. What a cutie, in the photo text I got. Seriously, Baby Avery is going to take Cambridge BY STORM.

She had the natural birth she wanted, and I hear he is at the breast and doing well... 9 lbs 7 oz.