Controlling Perfectionists in the Workplace

by Dr. A. Cavaiola, PH.D. Do you dread going to work on Mondays, not because of your job, but because of your boss or co-workers or other annoying people you have to work with? If you’ve ever had the misfortune of working with, for, or alongside of someone who was a “control freak”, a “micromanager” , “workaholic” “a “know-it-all” or a “nitpicker” then you know how frustrating it can be to get through the workday without throwing up your hands and telling these people to “take this job and shove it”. Dr. Neil Lavender and I refer to this type of co-worker as controlling perfectionists and they are the topic of a book we had written called Impossible to Please (Lavender & Cavaiola, 2012). When we wrote this book, our goal was to provide a survivor’s guide for people who find themselves subject to the impossible demands and unrealistically high standards that these controlling perfections often place on others. When you find yourself working with or for a controlling perfectionist it often common to feel angry and frustrated or even worse is when you feed into their hypercriticism and you begin to feel inferior or feel like you can’t do anything right. Indeed, there are a whole range of emotions you may feel in these situations and the stress of working with or for a controlling perfectionist becomes at times, overwhelming.

Before talking about some basic strategies for dealing or managing controlling perfectionists, let’s talk a little about who these individuals are and what makes them tick. The controlling perfectionist is similar to what psychologists or psychiatrists would refer to as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). (not be confused with OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive rituals). Instead, an individual with OCPD is often preoccupied with details, lists, rules, order, organization and schedules often so much so, that he or she loses the major point of what they’re trying to accomplish. This rigid adherence to perfectionistic standards often interferes with their ability to complete tasks. So, if you have a co-worker or someone who reports to you who cannot get work done on time or cannot meet deadlines, it’s possible that their perfectionism prevents them from completing tasks because they feel their work must be perfect. Controlling perfectionists are often overly devoted to work and productivity to the extent that they will not allow themselves any leisure, fun time or friendships. These are true workaholics who see work as their main purpose in life. They have difficulty taking time off for vacation or cutting out early on Friday to spend time with friends or family. In addition, these are often overly scrupulous, inflexible and overly conscientious when it comes to matters of morality, ethics or values. It’s as if God went on vacation and put them in charge. This is also an instance where the controlling perfectionist “can’t see the forest for the trees” because they’ll often get lost in some minutia on an issue of morality and end up losing the main point of what’s really right and wrong. A case in point, recently the Senate had voted down on much needed jobs bill for veterans. Those who opposed the bill stated that the way the bill was written was in violation of some budgetary rule therefore these Senators felt justified in voting against the bill. However, these Senators never bothered to propose another bill that would have conformed to the budgetary rules. Our illustrious Senators lost the main point of the bill, which was to provide funding for jobs for veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. If anyone is deserving of jobs it’s these brave men and women right? Not so in the warped mind of a controlling perfectionist. Controlling perfectionists are also unable to delegate tasks to others. Their motto is, “if you want something done right…do it yourself”. However, they will then complain about having to shoulder most of the work and will then criticize those working for them for not working harder…a classic “no-win” situation. The inability to delegate is where the “control freak” nature of their personality comes into play. Controlling perfectionists are also miserly, stubborn and rigid in their world view. Another classic personality trait is that controlling perfectionists lack empathy for others. Therefore, they have difficulty putting themselves in other’s shoes or seeing things from their perspective. As you can see from these traits, controlling perfectionist have a unique talent for draining the morale out of an organization or corporation.

We don’t want to paint a totally negative view of controlling perfectionists and those who manifest Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder traits. After all, if you’re having surgery you want to surgeon to pay attention to small details right? You don’t want them leaving a sponge or clamp in you as their suturing you up. Same with your accountant, you don’t want them missing deductions or reporting your income erroneously right? So there are occupations (e.g. engineering, law, medicine, accounting, military, architecture and construction trades) where attention to details is essential. However the distinguishing factor with controlling perfectionists and those with an OCPD personality style is their knack for being hypercritical of others and for making others feel inferior. In other words, a person can still pay close attention to details in their work or profession without being a micromanager or control freak.

If we were to come up with an example of the quintessential OCPD personality it would be Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dicken’s well-known novella A Christmas Carol. Scrooge is best known for his miserliness but let’s go beyond that trait. Scrooge is also a workaholic, and he is overly scrupulous when it comes to issues of morality or ethics. For example, when asked to donate to the poor and hungry of London, he responds, “Are there no workhouses and prisons? Don’t I pay taxes to support these institutions!” (Scrooge would probably have made a good US Senator! He would have had no problem in voting down the jobs bill for veterans). Also think about how Scrooge treats Bob Cratchet. He criticizes him for “watching the clock” and chastises him for wanting to spend Christmas with his family. Scrooge may have been a successful accountant but he is a classic example of an Obsessive Compulsive Personality style.

How Do They Get to Be This Way?

So what makes these individuals tick? How and why does someone become a controlling perfectionist? The answer often lies in upbringing, environmental influences and parenting. Most hypercritical people and controlling perfectionists were often raised by controlling perfectionist parents. In reaction to feeling inferior, these individuals often overcompensate for these feelings of inferiority by becoming hypercritical adults. The term used by psychoanalytic theorists is “identifying with the aggressor”. So rather than saying, “I’m not going to become like my hypercritical, verbally abusive father or mother”, they cope with their emotional pain by becoming like them. This is only one theory of course but it’s one that makes sense and also is important to keep in mind when dealing with someone like this in your work life. Although you may be dealing with a controlling, critical bully, beneath this veneer is often an insecure child who tries to overcompensate for these feelings of inadequacy by making others feel inferior.

Coping Strategies

This brings us to some coping strategies you may try. Think of these coping strategies as mini- experiments. Some ideas may work, while others may not or you may need to modify the experiment in order to bring about the best results. But first and foremost, be aware that you’re not going to be able to change them! Even with intensive psychotherapy, it is difficult to bring about change and this occurs only when the controlling perfectionist is truly motivated to change their behavior. So rather than expecting massive personality change it’s better to think about these mini-experiments as ways that you want the controlling perfectionist to treat you better or at very least to refrain from treating you badly. So don’t expect this person to wake up on Christmas morning as Scrooge did and all of sudden becoming empathic, caring compassionate individuals! Here are a few mini-experiments to try: 1) Agree with the criticism being thrown at you, but with a twist. If your boss is being hypercritical instead of defending yourself or defending something you did, better to agree but then ask what your boss what like you to do differently. Convey that you are willing to learn and that you are open to their mentoring you. Maybe this is a teachable moment. 2) If your goal is to keep your job, convey that you’re a team player. Often anger and frustration may override your willingness to work with your difficult boss or co-worker. Here it’s better not to express these frustrations in the workplace (better to talk out your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist), instead, you may want to convey that you’re a willing team player. 3) If you feel you’re right, stick to your guns. Better to simply state your view and then move on. Do this without criticizing your boss or co-worker. This is especially helpful with “know-it-all” types of controlling perfectionists. Remember, under their veneer of being knowledgeable about EVERYTHING, is an insecure individual, so don’t go toe-to-toe to prove your point. You’ll only end up losing in the end. Better to take a collegialapproach and simply state the facts as you know them and move on.

A Few Words about Self-Care

In terms of your own self-care there are also things you can do: 1) Don’t buy into their criticism. It’s better that you remain grounded and that you have a realistic self-appraisal of your own strengths and weaknesses. If you base your self-worth on the controlling perfectionist’s appraisal of you, you’ll always end up on the short end because NO ONE IS PERFECT. 2) Set your own work goals and agenda. Because controlling perfectionists often get lost in minutia, they will often lead you down several different paths. Better to ask the controlling perfectionist to help you prioritize the tasks they’ve dumped on you or even better yet, set your own goals of what you need to achieve and what you need to do. By doing this, at the end of the day, you’ll at least walk away feeling like you’ve accomplished something rather than feeling like a dog who chases its own tail. 3) Seek mentoring and support elsewhere. Controlling perfectionists are not good mentors because they often lack the ability to offer praise or reinforcement for a job well done. So it’s better to seek advice, support and mentoring from others whether it be within your organization or from without.

I have to disagree with the author on the cause of the perfectionist. The person described in this article has the letters NTJ in their Myers Briggs Personality Type (MBTI). They could be either an Introvert (INTJ), or an Extrovert (ENTJ).

You are born with your personality type. It isn't learned from your parents. Personality seems to get stronger and more pronounced as people age, which may be why everyone blames parents for an individual's personality. And there is a higher likelihood that the parent also had the NTJ type, because it can be hereditary. Knowing this, please STOP blaming their parents for everything you don't like about someone.

Also, these NTJ's are not defective. There is a purpose for them in humanity. Once you know what that purpose it, you'll appreciate them a lot more. The end result is that you'll finally have ways of interacting with them that will make life pleasurable for everyone.

Hi
I appreciate your interest in this blog as well as your insightful contribution.
However, I beg to differ with you on this point. People with OCPD have significant impairment in their abilities to work with and love others whereas the INTJ does not. Also, past research has shown that the families of OCPD individuals are often dysfunctional as well; not true for the INTJ.
Once again, thanks.

I have been reading a few articles on bullying and controlling in the workplace and it seems that most of them say that we have to understand these people and try and not react to them and remain calm. I do agree that this is probably the best way to deal with them but it is much easier said than done. As of yesterday I walked out of a job that I have done for many years and I fact was headhunter to do, because my boss, who was also a friend of 20 yrs, has ground me so far down I can't take anymore. I have left a job I loved and colleagues I love because of one person. I am not a typical victim and I did have a lot of confidence in myself at work but slowly this has disappeared and I am now off with stress never to go back. I myself didn't have the best of ubringings and an emotionally void mother but I don 't treat people like that. I feel angry, hurt and lost at the moment and as a single mum with two youNg boys this is not ideal. Surely seemingly intelligent people must see how they treat others. I must add I am not the first person to leave because of her, although it is always the other person fault. For eg. Oh they were crazy, and this one had an eating disorder, this one was obsessed with me etc is it just me or is it feasible that she is totally unaware of how she is? I just can't believe she doesn't see it, I feel she needs help and shouldn't be in managing role but because it is her own business there is no one above her and no one we can go to for advice. Is there anything that can be done, I feel for the younger ones I have left behind as they are so impressionable and not as confident. I feel that these people have the ability to destroy you if you havn't the strength to walk away.

To anonymous:
It sounds from your blog post that you had a horrendous experience. I’ve seen instances similar to the one you describe whereby the person you worked for (who ended up being bullying and abusive) was a friend prior to your working for the person. Sometimes these individuals can appear outwardly very different in a social or friendship situations however, get them in a work situation and their shadow side surfaces. I hope you’re not beating yourself up for not recognizing their true nature prior to taking the job, as many of these abusive individuals are really adept at hiding this part of their personality.
You mention also that we recommend trying to understand the nature of these individuals and then developing ways to cope. This is true. We tend to think of our work as a type of “survival guide” for those who for one reason or another are not able to find other work. Although I agree that your leaving the job was really the healthiest thing to do given the circumstances. It probably took a lot of courage to leave the job. There’s another book I can recommend called, “I can’t believe she did that to me” by Nan Mooney. Sounds like it might be relevant to what you experienced. Thanks for posting. Alan

I love what I do and used to enjoy going to work every day until I became a dotted report to a man I was friendly with prior to this change in the chain of command. When he wasn't supervising my work he was likable. When he became a manager he became a terror to me. I need my job and I like my job and I'm not going to let this micro-managing bully run me out of the company.

This man possesses a sometimes frightening, consistently seething anger that make me wonder what he is truly capable of.

He assumes things without having the facts. He writes scathing email, and admittedly records conversations, which is usually illegal without consent. I cannot make a move without letting him know. He walks by my desk, looks at my screen and tells me to work on other things, stares at me when I'm talking to others socially in a group as if to infer that I shouldn't be wasting time. I do not waste time. I get my work done on time and have had many kudos from managers throughout the corporation for a job well done.

He holds back work until the job deadline is almost undoable, and has other, non-qualified employees attempt to do my job, clearly in an attempt to mock what I do. Then I have to fix the work. He has the team who directly reports to him contact him when I ask for files that I need to get the job done. He is often inaccessible, so I have no choice other then to seek out the information I need to get my job done, myself. There's no time to go through him.

This manager lies about situations in an attempt to get me into trouble. The facts are revealed and his ruse is apparent, yet the behavior continues. My direct manager says that he has worked with this man for many years, completely gets it and assures me that my job is secure.

A coping skill I use is to type out a note to him on my computer within my email telling him how his unprofessional behavior bothers me. I save it in drafts and delete it a day later. It just helps to get it out. I also have co-workers who support me. I will not let his insecurities affect me to the point that I quit the job, although, I have fantasized about telling him to stick it and walking out. lol.

These types of individuals often make it into management positions and drive people, like yourself, crazy.
I am glad you have some support. Our "Impossible to Please. . ." book was written with people like you in mind.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Cavaiola

I used to call my boss a raging sociopath, but after reading this will downgrade her to a controlling perfectionist. Everything written here describes her erratic, micro-management so well. Nothing I do is ever good enough, she has nothing positive to contribute (never ever a compliment on the my successes), unless she is being fake and fraudulent and it takes a real toll on me. The sad thing is that I like my job and really don't want to leave. I want to be able to do the work that I was hired to do without someone doing everything I do completely over again and randomly throwing other things at me that makes it impossible to get things accomplished. It is a very dissatisfying scenario to be in. I can give you countless examples of how maddening it is to work for this woman.

Furthermore, she will never change and those in charge refuse to nip it in the bud, so I will end up leaving while she complains about my not doing anything in the role.

More than that, I sometimes feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her children and husband too, having had to endure this kind of treatment year in year out.

I didn't handle the office perfectionist (and manager favorite) so well. I kinda rebelled. We have these internal reports we have to write. My attitude is - get the damn thing done. You want it to be professional and convey the needed information clearly and completely. But all the picky little rules! Things that no one else would notice or care about! I just wrote the things up without worrying about the gazillion little rules they've cooked up. But I'm on the losing end of this. I know they are bad-mouthing me to the boss. I'm not cut out for working in this office with these compulsive perfectionists!!

Compulsive perfectionists/controlling perfectionist really have a knack for wearing people down which appears to be what happened to you. Even when you try to do the right thing by focusing on the overall goal of a project, they will detract from the work you've done by picking out every little minor detail that didn't follow their rules. One option might be to go to your boss and plead your case i.e. that you'll need help with formatting the work in the way they demand. Picky details are not everyone's strength.
Although you may be right that this may not be the type of job you're best suited for, given their unrealistic demands.

I just had 2 customer complaints & as the owner I do my service calls, it helps me with the suppliers I use.

I drove an hour away, got stuck, in a traffic accident & when I got there to see their complaint, the foot rest of the recliner is off, 1/4 inch on one side. when I look at it, it's acceptable, to them it was a whole lot of swear words. I changed the part but it's still the same, they thought it was "better" but it looked the same to me. They told me they want to come back for a dinette. I told them I'm not coming out this far again.

My second customer got a reclining sofa, it's grey & they painted their wall orange so when the look at the couch they see their orang wall through the divisions in the reclining end & yes it's not identical to the opposite side, but there's nothing wrong. There's nothing I can do, reclining furniture has to have a separation in the back to recline. again I told her I'll get a part & see, but it was just to try to make her happy, I see it & there's nothing wrong, everything works. she purchased leather & at first it was smooth but from them using it, over 4 months she's seeing wrinkles, yes, you will. gloves soften , leather jackets soften,, she'd telling me she wants a new one, this is unacceptable & if I can't fix it, she'll furnish the house some where else. That's fine with me.

I'm also sick & tired of people telling me "they never use it" when the tv is 6 feet in front of it & there is intendo game system there. REAllY????

She's mad at me, she told people think she's nuts, she called the builder back to the home to fix doors.

I just don't like confrontation & I'm not accepting returns on 3 month old furniture.

These are unfortunate examples of the kind of anguish that controlling perfectionist are known to create. What's often so sad in situations like these is that you obviously place importance on providing quality customer service but when you get people like this who are indeed "impossible to please" no matter what you do, it really makes you question whether it's worth all the effort you put into your business. What seems to make matters worse is when these customers lie right to your face. It is difficult to balance these types of criticisms against those of your other customers who appreciate your work and the service you provide. Thanks for venting.
Alan

I'm a type of person that when people complain over little things, I try to be calm, but then I walk away & think of all the things I wish I would have had the guts to say.

Is there a theory on how to talk to these people? they see something small & blow it out of proportion.

I watched the tv show "Monk" the other day & thought this is the kind of person I'm dealing with, although "Monk" is nice. the people I deal with think I'm evil & that bothers me. I dwell on it & really resent these people.

Any suggestions on how to calm myself down when working with them. Thanks Diane

I am working through a similar situation (as the emails posted) and am glad I am not alone. I love the phrase from the article: "controlling perfectionists often get lost in minutia, they will often lead you down several different paths." I was wondering why I could not follow her instructions well, but this article confirmed it is because she tends to go down "rabbit trails" and changes directives a lot which makes it very confusing for me. So I do the best I can and draw strength from others' acclamations. I too love my job and the company I work for and do not want to leave.

Your experience with your controlling perfectionist supervisor is unfortunately all to common. It's really difficult when you're in a situation that you describe where you love your job and the company where you work but are stressed by the supervisor you describe. Hopefully you will outlast them. Chance are, if they're doing this to you, they're probably stressing others out as well and this may get the attention of those higher up.

Hi Diane. I am no psychologist, but my experience has been that responding to these people just creates more problems because they don't think that they are doing anything wrong and will put the blame back on me. I am a Christian, so I pray a lot and have scriptures on cards at work that I can read. I also remember accolades that others have given me from friends, coworkers, and managers to help me not internalize the criticisms. That being said, sometimes further action may be required, which I prayerfully consider.

Based on my experience, I think it's important to respond--not with emotion, with facts. These people don't use the facts in their attacks, and they point fingers at everyone but themselves...even their direct reports. So, keep notes and keep the faith. Because all that matters is your manager and his/her manager. These people are an island unto themselves and without deep psychological counseling, they will never change. Eventually others will see that they have issues, however, if management won't let them go, you must weigh the options of staying in the position, or moving on. Please don't let this person get to you as I have and pay the price of weekends in bed due to stress related illness. Let Go, Let God is the best policy, albeit not an easy level to get to when you're being consistently attacked.

Thank you for your comments. They are appreciated! I am currently weighing the options of a response; either with my manager or going to her manager. My main fear is that I will not stick to the facts and respond with emotion. I have allowed a prior arrogant manager to cause me stress-related issues before, and am doing my best not to allow that to happen again to me. I am continuing to document situations and praying for the best time and person to discuss these issues. I think it will be soon...

I hope all goes well when you do respond to your manager or her manager. I liked "Anonymous's" suggestion about sticking to the facts rather than asserting how you feel. I've also found the same thing to be true with Controlling Perfectionists, they don't operate well in the world of emotions and therefore often don't respond well to expressions of frustration. So it is better to stick to the facts that you want to assert or get across. You might want to script out what you want to say first. If you don't get anywhere when you speak with them, at that point you may want to consider going to her manager. If you go to her manager first, could that result in a backlash against you?
Alan

Thank you, Alan. I agree with your suggestions and will seek to follow them. One thing that makes it difficult is that she is nice much of the time, then out of the blue she gets angry and attacks. It is hard to figure out her triggers because she is inconsistent. My second level manager is great, but both have worked together for years so I am being cautious with my next step.

The fact that she can be nice at times and then without provocation will get angry and go on the attack does make it difficult to respond and I can certainly see where you'd be caught off guard and speechless when faced with these attacks. The triggers may not even be anything you're doing (e.g. it could be something or someone else that triggers her). In situations like this timing is important. Alan

I am having a lot of trouble with a coworker i thought she had ocd but this perfectly describes her. I am relatively new at my workplace and a coworker has been borderline harassing me, today she texted me about my work performance ( she is not my superior and our boss made that clear to her).
I really tried killing her with kindness and tried to have an open mind but im so frustrated i want to quit my job, and i love this job! and all my other coworkers and my boss are amazing. but she is degrading me getting both of us behind in our tasks because she is too busy nagging me. at the end of the day when she leaves she lists all the thing she did for me to "help me close" but the things she did actually are her responsibilities and doesn't do any of the shared closing duties.

she is extremely negative and confrontational and is talking badly about me and well frankly all of our shared coworkers.

I dont know how to deal with her in a way that does not allow for her bullying but is still polite and professional?

Excellent article describing the behaviour and subsequent outcomes of working with someone like this!

One of my colleagues in a team of three is the poster child for the controlling perfectionist. The controlling perfectionist had been in the role for 10 years, whereas I was the newest member (under 2 years). Things got very bad when much of my work was positively recieved and I began getting projects that were large and innovative. The controlling perfectionist felt that she was entitled to these projects, and was constantly telling me what I was doing wrong and questioning my methods. The controlling perfectionist cannot see that the simple truth is that her attitude towards others makes her difficult to work with. When new projects came up, people want to work with someone who will give them a voice, and to have a shared working relationship. People remember how you make them feel! She was allowed to control all aspects of the team's projects and methods for years unchecked, and without the authority to do so. It almost drove me out the door it was so bad, but I got incredibly lucky when we had a sudden management change. I took this opportunity to meet with my new manager. I was open and clear with the new manager about our team dynamics. The manager understood what was happening, and began sitting in on our team meetings. The new manager witnessed the behavior for herself, and she skillfully deflected the controlling behaviour from me. I'm pretty sure, that first supervised meeting my mouth was hanging open in shock everytime the coworker tried to impose one of her "we need to do this..." or, "that's not how it has always been" strategies and the manager simply stated, "well, I see what you are saying, but I don't believe that is necessary." And changed the subject. I couldn't believe how effective it was, and how empowered I felt to finally be able to work freely without my coworker trying to control my every move. The manager changed the scripts and the rules that were boxing me in, and simply compartmentalized our projects so that there was no need for cross-interference. Other people have been commenting at how happy I have been at work lately. Thanks to great and fearless leadership by my manager!

I understand that my coworker is psychologically driven as a detail-oriented perfectionist. I have great empathy for her, but I could not validate her negativity, morale crushing comments, and the imposing of constant rules, procedures and structures on me in her own twisted sense of needing to have everything her way. I don't believe my coworker has the the capacity to see where/how she is her own worst enemy, but if I placate her, it only engages her behavior further. I had to push back even though it meant taking a risk by talking to management about all of this, and rocking the boat. I documented specific instances, and clearly outlined how my well-being was being personally affected, and how my creativity was hampered. It would be very different if it was my manager in this situation, but then again, if you stay and tolerate this behaviour, I can't help but feel that you may be inadvertantly supporting the cycle of bad management. Find somewhere else to work as soon as you can. No job is worth your health and well-being.

Thank you for your post in response to my blog! Sounds like the person you describe was a prime example of the controlling perfectionists we discuss in our book (e.g. placing unreasonable demands on you, being hypercritical of your work etc). I agree when you say that if you were to have left your job, it would have reinforced bad management in that your organization might never have addressed this issue, as they did. As you mention it was fortuitous when your management change and this new manager was willing to address the negative dynamic created by the controlling perfectionist. Given that you were new to the team I give you credit for pushing back when the demands were unreasonable. I had worked in an non-profit treatment program years ago, and had been with the organization about 11 years when the former CEO left and the Board hired a micro-manager, who wanted to fix a lot of things that weren't broken. I tried to reach out to the Board with my concerns but was shut down at every turn and I did eventually leave the job. We continue to have a difficult job market here in the U.S. so I hope it didn't come across as glib when I suggest that sometimes the best alternative is to try to find work elsewhere, I know for many this is not an option. Thanks