'Help! My coworkers don't like me and I don't know what to do'

Ask The Insider columnist Ashley Lutz answers all your
work-related questions, including the awkward, sensitive, and
real-world ones. Have a question? Email
asktheinsider@businessinsider.com.

Dear Insider,

I've been working at a clothing store for about six
months in a department that is mostly women. At 25, I'm the
youngest person by about 10 years. I started out at the job
excited to befriend my coworkers, but so far it hasn't happened.
There's a group of four women at my level who frequently go to
lunch, happy hours, and dinner together, and I'm never invited.
When I try to talk to them, they tend to act cold and
distant.

I'm never left out of important work discussions and
meetings, just social stuff. But the feeling still nags at me. I
often feel discouraged at work.

How can I get my coworkers to like me?

Sincerely,The Odd Woman Out

***

Dear Odd,

The theoretical luxury of graduating from high school is entering
a more inclusive world, where you don't have to obsess about
cliques. Unfortunately, that's not always the reality.

As the new girl and by far the youngest person, you're already at
a disadvantage when it comes to being accepted socially, but I
have some ideas.

You say you "try to talk" to your coworkers. Are you
telling stories about yourself?Are you
(inadvertently) trying to prove yourself, showing how much you
know? People can sense insecurity, and most
find it grating.

I would scale things back from the mission to impress and ask an
open-ended question like, "How was your weekend?" If your
coworkers are aloof, take the hint and don't keep talking. Keep
small talk sparse while occasionally showing interest in their
lives.

It's also possible that your bad mood at work is rubbing
off on them. People can sense unhappiness in other people, and it
can rub off on them. Try to stay positive and upbeat. Listen to
your favorite songs before going into work or treat yourself to a
latte to boost your mood.

Because you've hit a wall, you might also want to
try some proven psychological
techniques to get people to like you, as pointed out by
my coworker Shana Lebowitz. These include mimicking the other
person's body language, selectively revealing your flaws, and
seeing the person how they want to be seen.

The first thing that jumped out at me is that you're much younger
than your coworkers. They're probably married with kids (or at
the very least, thinking about it), while you're still at an age
where going out five times a week is normal. They're at a
different place in life and might think hanging out
with someone so much younger in a social setting could feel
forced.

So I don't think you should be too concerned with getting them to
"like" you as a friend, considering you're able to do your job
and aren't being overtly bullied. If this were interfering with
your ability to be successful at work, I'd suggest more extreme
measures.

But I get it. You're only human, and everyone wants to be liked.
Ironically, it may be that once you stop trying to get them
to like you, your coworkers will open up.

***

Ashley Lutz is a senior editor at Business Insider
answering all your questions about the workplace. Send your
queries to asktheinsider@businessinsider.com for publication
on Business Insider. Requests for anonymity will be granted, and
questions may be edited.