(Bad) advice, (hopefully) smiles, and jaadu ki jhappis for free!

So WordPress reminded me that it’s the Wind Girl’s 2 year anniversary today. And the first thought that came to my mind was- Is it funny that I decided to set up a blog just after April Fool’s Day?

Well, I’ve always been one to joke.

To all those who’ve stuck by those two years, hoping that The Wind Girl just miiight upload something sublimely cool, thank you, Works In Progress. T0 all those who think this post is sublimely cool, thank you. And to everyone who’s in doubt after reading this, have faith. I do in myself. One day I will pick up on this blog. There will come a day when I won’t think twice before uploading something, or not upload for a month and then apologize profusely before uploading one thing and then again not uploading for another two months.

Anyway, my point is, thank you for sticking around. Happy Anniversary to all of us!

Ever since the author of this article has begun traveling about 130 kilometers a day in the name of education, the author of this article has learned a lot. To enumerate a few,

Punctuality

This comes into play especially if you are-
A. Traveling a very long distance to a station which only one type of train stops at (like maybe Vasai)
B. A student who has an extremely strict and punctual teacher taking the first period of the day
C. Traveling by a mode of transport which is totally unpredictable (like the early morning Harbor line trains).

You know if you miss that one specific 7:18 Wadala, you’re going to be screwed. You know missing that one train will cascade down to not getting another train for the next twenty minutes, not getting entry into the first class of the day, and most importantly not getting that precious attendance. So you WILL move your arse early morning, maybe even skip your breakfast or your bath (or, god forbid, both) to get to that elusive 7:18 Wadala.

And if you get to the station and see the train just pulling onto the platform, it’s like a scene from a Bollywood movie- that one where the heroine is going away in the train and the hero has to get to her exact window seat in the exact dabba to be able to tell her he loves her. Remember how he pushes and shoves everyone in the crowd? It isn’t that romantic in real life.

Also that scene in Yeh Jawaani Hain Deewani (yes, I watch a lot of Bollywood) where Ranbir is trying to convince Deepika to get onto the moving train because Manali will be fun? Imagine your friends standing at the door instead of Ranbir and saying “Chal bhaag nahi toh ABCD Sir ka lecture miss ho jayega! Bhaag Hera, bhaag!”

Yeah, not so heart warming.

The use of apps like mIndicator, even if you’re technologically challenged

“Oh shit, we missed the 7:18 Wadala. Check when the next Panvel train is!”
”Oh shit, the 135 which goes to Dockyard just passed me, check when the next 135 comes!”
”Oh shit, we missed even the 7:40 Wadala. Check kar Dadar-Kurla-Kharghar kitna time lagta hain nah?”

mIndicator and Google maps are very very useful while traveling by public transport, especially if the station is far away from you or if you’re traveling far away. mIndicator and maps is also helpful if you decide to go exploring around the new place and get lost or have a tiff with a rickshaw drive who then refuses to take you wherever you want to go. In places out of Bombay, like Virar and Thane (apologies, the author will always be a townie at heart) there are these funny contraptions called rickshaws, which collect at specific strategic locations called rickshaw stands. Now, the humans who operate these contraptions-
A. Are very united. Really, they could even lecture the Parliament on that topic.
B. Tend to try to fit their contraption into the smallest of spaces and openings
C. Can be ill tempered
D. Tend to act very pricey

Rickshaws line up at rickshaw stands and you must hail them as they come. Which means if you piss one driver off, you piss off the entire queue (refer to A). Another commonly faced problem is bargaining with them, especially if you’re not from that area and don’t know the rates (refer to D). These humans do not know of meters. A meter is just another contraption that must be placed in their bigger contraption, because the rules say so.

So, when you go to a rickshaw stand and say, “bhaiyya XYZ ko jaana hain.” and the driver says, “One million dollars lagega.” you tend to mentally tell him to go to hell and decide to just walk it or take a bus. Only, you don’t know the roads or the buses. Hail mIndicator and maps, your saviors! Now, mIndicator even has a red and blue logo, like the colors of Superman. It isn’t even a coincidence.

Another time mIndicator helps is when train lines shut down or become almost defunct. Now in Bombay, this is an emergency of Code Red levels. Stations become crowded, there’s no place on the platforms to stand, people get stranded, and there is an overall atmosphere of severe impatience and gloom.

In these times, you commonly hear dialogues like “Dude, check if there’s another train from Belapur.” or “Dude, see which bus numbers go to South Bombay from here, nah.” interspersed with “Ugh, why did I take this job.” or “Ugh why did I take this college!” or “Next year se pakka PG hi lenge yaar.”

This isn’t even a very rare occurrence, especially in the Harbor and Central lines. An overhead wire short circuits at Wadala, Harbor Line practically shuts down. Someone gets electrocuted at Thane, Central Line practically shuts down. Someone gets pushed off a train at Kurla (what was he thinking, it’s Kurla!), both Central and Harbor Lines practically shut down.

Increased communication skills

Sticking together with people who are in the same difficult situation as you is a very common human tendency. Just like that, people who brave public transport together, stick together. ”Oh, you travel to Panvel from CST too?! That’s awesome! I’m Hera.” and you’ve made a friend!

In colleges and at workplaces, people who travel from far off often tend to become closer as they travel together. There is going to be that group of girls who all travel from Kandivali and hang out together too, or that group of guys who all live in South Bombay and have taken PG accommodation together, or maybe even that solitary girl and boy who get on together at maybe Chunabhatti and have become close during all those mornings when they were the only people from their class waiting for the same train.

Once, while the author was in school, she’d read an article about a group of ladies who traveled the Western Line and were best of friends. To begin with, they didn’t know each other from Adam, but over the years of traveling together in the exact same dabba every day, they became this group of ladies who all worked at different places, hailed from backgrounds, did different jobs, but still got along like a house on fire.

In some cases, you absolutely have to communicate with fellow passengers. Like in a full compartment when you’re trying to get to the door because your station is next. You have to ask the woman in front of you “Dadar?” or “Bandra?” so that she realizes she’s in the way, and must move to avoid getting trampled over.

4. How to deal with fisherwomen

Fisherwomen are very important. They deliver fish, which means they also deliver Omega 3 fatty acids and other vital trace nutrients to your doorstep. Hence, they take their job very seriously. Do not EVER cross paths or take a panga with a fisherwoman, especially when a train is arriving on the platform. You may end up in a puddle of slimy water (personal experience, and the author had an exam that day).

The method of dealing with fisherwomen is simple- don’t deal too much with them. Fisherwomen are easy to spot, in their nav vaari saari with a basket of fish on their head and a trail of fishy water behind them. Spot them early, and be wary. Step aside, let them pass, dodge them if you can.

If you have sensitive ears (which the author does not because of constant use of earphones), maybe carry earmuffs or other protective equipment. Fisherwomen who yell at each other across platforms can reach extremely high decibel levels. On the flip side, they serve for an excellent wake up call.

How to accommodate
The train is just pulling out of Kurla station, and obviously, it’s packed to overflowing capacities (literally, one guy is hanging on with just one foot in the train), when suddenly, from the platform, a shout is heard. A guy, huffing and puffing, is trying to get onto the train. Only, he cant find a single open surface to hold and get on.

Immediately, the introductory tune of Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham plays, and everyone gets melancholy. This man deserves to be helped. He has guts- he has chosen to get onto a train at Kurla, he definitely has guts.

One commuter, safely in the train, reaches a hand out to him, DDLJ style. The man instantly latches on, and is pulled up into the train. Magically, he fits into a compartment where even Sunny Leone’s lingerie would not. This is the accommodation capacity commuters on local trains have.

Never buy earrings and hairclips from the road
Not because they’re not good quality, but because you’ll get the same ones in the second class of a Virar Fast for half the price. Not just earrings and hairclips, you even get pencil pouches, small clutches, and other miscellaneous, useful items.

Let’s not forget the advertisements on the walls of the compartments. Bengali Baba, who you can call if you have any ‘arthik samasya, shaadi mein kathinaee, baccha paida karne mein naakaamyabi’, or any such earth shattering personal issue. Or Santosh, who will give you a PAN card or Aadhar card within 24 hours, without documents. Or Deepak, who can get you a flat in Kalwa for the meagre sum of rupees ten lakh.

How to manouveur yourself
It is common knowledge that if you’re in the middle of a full compartment, and your station is next, you’re screwed. Manouvering around a full dabba without stepping on any stray legs, sarees, children, baskets, or entire sitting women is a very useful talent. Manouvering also comes in handy when you need to get through a crowd to the train. All of us cannot be Bollywood heroes (refer to point 1).

The author has the following tips-
A. Always keep your eyes on the floor, that’s where the most obstacles are. Watch out for baskets of fruit or fish, women, and children.
B. Ask people at the door if they’re getting down too. If they are, no problem, just get swept off the train with the crowd.
C. Start moving up front when two stations are left for your stop.
D. Push and shove freely while in emergency. You may lose a few strands of hair, or tear your shirt if an angry woman grabs onto it, but nothing is worth missing your stop. Nothing.

Always look on the sunny side
The ladies second class is completely full? No problem. You will get a full body massage for free.
The gents first class has no place? No problem. Maybe you’ll discover a new kind of perfume.
You’ve missed the 7:18 Wadala? No issues. ABCD Sir is anyway boring as hell.
Trains are running late? So what? Everyone will be late with you. You all have an excuse. You’ll even get attendance!
No 135 in sight for the past ten minutes? That’s fine, you can take a cab today! They’re more comfy too!

Public transport has a pattern- we cannot change it, because we’re not Rajnikanth. So we might as well just take it with a pinch of salt!

But on a serious note, let’s give it up for the Indian Railways. Nowhere else in the world can you travel such a long distance in so less. They’re doing a great job, but everything has its pros and cons.

The cock crows. Jassi awakens. The alarm rings, Simi arises. Without either spouse, they sleep alone at night. His is no more, her’s abroad. Away is away, whether permanently or temporarily, right?

He gets the sigri going to make himself some chai. She beckons the maid for her morning cuppa. He hitches his lungi and trudges to the milk booth for a plastic mug-full of the wholesome white stuff, while on the other side of the tracks, she changes into her Reeboks for her morning walk. Breakfast for him is poha, for her, pancakes.

At eight o’clock, with the city ready to rock, he nestles one child under his arm, takes the other by the hand and places them on the charpoy outside his hovel. He lights a bidi and watches the trains carrying commuters to work. The start of an arduous day. She summons her chauffeur, “upar aao, gaadi…

I’m reblogging this, not just because it’s funny (which it really is) but because what’s written hit home base with me, and is actually true with so many people I see, even with me to a certain extent. We don’t need to belong, and we don’t need to always have an opinion.
Really good writing 🙂

If you’ve ever read a newspaper, you know, that bundle of paper which your mom lays on the shelves of your cupboard, you’ll find that it consists of only 20% content which actually matters to you. The rest is just vague information that’s as irrelevant as my affection for Maggie Top Ramen.Facebook Newsfeeds are something along those lines. When I joined Facebook way back in 201JustHitPuberty, it was all about messaging each other and creating Facebook Pages like “Friends 4EVA n evaaa….”, and forcefully adding your friends to it. It was a simple means of communication and stalking profiles of people who ordinarily wouldn’t touch you with a 10m pole. Nd if I typd a sntnce lik dis 1, nobody would actually crawl into my arse and make it their life’s goal to ensure I use all the required letters. (Admit it, your face twitches when you c a sntnce…

Posts navigation

The Wind Girl

Some people have their brains, Some people their brawn
I have only but a pen,
And the urge to write on.
Write on, of things that strike
A chord in the hearts
Of every person,
Whether mighty or smart.
Hello there, and welcome to this blog. I hope you like it, and I hope it makes you laugh. Drop me a comment if it does to make my day :)

Categories

Blogs I Follow

Blog Stats

Recent: The Wind Girl

So WordPress reminded me that it’s the Wind Girl’s 2 year anniversary today. And the first thought that came to my mind was- Is it funny that I decided to set up a blog just after April Fool’s Day? Well, I’ve always been one to joke. To all those who’ve stuck by those two years, […]

One early morning at breakfast While eating his eggs and bagel Benjamin Barton had a brainwave Making him sound mentally unstable. “I want to fly,” he said- With a manic shine in his eye. ”I’ll fly one day, I’m telling you! High up into the sky.” His stepmother just banged the pan In perpetual annoyance, her twisted mouth spoke- ”Oh yes, I’d fly away too- just your dad and I And you’d be a lonely bloke.” “Now, quick or you’ll be late to school,” She hurried him along But Benjamin’s eyes never left the skies His resolve ever so strong. One day at school, Miss Lopez asked What they’d wanted to do after school. Some said, “College”, some wanted to be doctors ”I will fly,” said Benjie, nonchalant and cool. For a minute, a silence so deathly ensued, Miss Lopez smiled, “No one has done that yet.” ”It can’t be done!” laughed Diana John, “Especially you- You’d fall facedown, I bet!” “Have you seen the pudge all around you?” She smirked, “You couldn’t even lift off.” Benjie felt goosebumps, tears stung his eyes As his classmates laughed and scoffed. But right then the funniest thing happened- Inside Benjie, something sparked. Something ignited, and burned right through ”Oh shut up you idiots!” he barked. A second deathly silence ensued ”I will fly, you can’t tell me I cannot! I will fly one day, you’ll see!” By now, his ears felt red hot. Suddenly he started to swell And as everyone watched, astound. Benjamin Barton swelled some more And lifted off the ground! He bumped his head against the ceiling As everyone just continued to stare Finally he managed to manouver And then disappeared out, into thin air! […]

Originally posted on random rants ruminations ramblings: The cock crows. Jassi awakens. The alarm rings, Simi arises. Without either spouse, they sleep alone at night. His is no more, her’s abroad. Away is away, whether permanently or temporarily, right? He gets the sigri going to make himself some chai. She beckons the maid for her…