James Caan, the government’s social mobility tsar, with his daughter Hannah at an event in London last year. Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

The government's new social mobility tsar, James Caan, was accused of hypocrisy last week when the former Dragons' Den star said parents should leave their children to make their own way in life, only for it to emerge that he employs one of his daughters and the other works for a recruitment firm he part-owns.

Caan's later protestation that parents instinctively protect and promote the interests of their children resonated widely. But how much help should parents give their children? Does intervention help or hinder? Helping a four-year-old learn to read is universally accepted as a good thing, though some feel it is going too far to write or edit a teenager's personal statement on their university application form. And with youth unemployment at 20.7%, leaving 958,000 16- to 24-year-olds out of work, many rely on the bank of Mum and Dad while they take unpaid work experience or internships.

Primary schools generally welcome parental involvement, but secondary schools view it with suspicion; some insist that coursework that contributes to an exam be done in school to prevent parents doing it.

There are as many theories as to whether extra help assists a child's development as there are tips on parenting. But a recent study found that undergraduates with a history of parental overinvolvement had higher levels of depression and anxiety. The research by Holly Schiffrin, of the University of Mary Washington in Virginia, found that these students felt incompetent compared with their peers and less able to manage life and its stresses. But many parents, whether of pre-school children, adolescents or young adults, find that conclusion unpalatable.

The Observer spoke to five parents about the help they give their children.

'There is nothing shameful about giving your child a leg-up'

Anne Heald, 58, is an accountant and lives in Bristol with her husband Edwin, also 58, a civil servant. Their son Philip, 21, moved back home last week after finishing a degree in international politics and military history at Aberystwyth University.

Anne said: "Hell would freeze over before I stopped trying to open doors for my son. I would do anything in my power to get his feet on the employment ladder."

Not only have both parents been actively involved during his school and university days, and found him work-experience placements, but they are now altering their home to give him his own place to live and financing his job hunt.

"Philip is at home now. We are going to try to separate our lives so he lives in the basement to ease the passage into coming back. He's been away for three years, and it would be hard for him to come back into our home as if he never left. He's coming back to live at the 'bank of Mum and Dad'.

"The reason he returned home is he is having a tough time finding a graduate job. He'd work at anything, I think, as he has no idea what specific field he wants to go into. He gets good career advice from his university, on how to write covering letters and his CV, but that isn't enough to get him a job. He's not tied to Bristol because his parents live here – he would move anywhere in the world. He's only living here because it doesn't cost him any money. He's trying to get any job possible at the moment, but it is still in its infancy."

Anne said that, while the job hunt is not going very well for Philip, she is confident he has, and has always had, the support from his family necessary to help him find his feet in life.

She said: "We are encouraging him to do his own washing and cleaning. He will be living with us, but not be with us all the time. I don't even plan for us to eat together every night. Of course, I'll cook him dinner if he asks me to, though. I don't want him to be tied to my apron strings, but I do love having him home.

"The important thing for Philip is getting a graduate job in a good company. If it was in Outer Mongolia, I would support that." Anne has helped her only child get vital work experience. She said: "I can be quite ruthless promoting my son, wherever I can.

"Last summer he got a work placement with Wells MP Tessa Munt, and because I know a canon at Westminster Abbey I made sure Philip got in touch with him. I also made sure our local MP, Stephen Williams, knew that Philip was on a placement.

"If there were any opportunities for Philip through my working experience and contacts, I will try to put him in touch with the people that might help him.

"I draw from my life skills and experience to make my son more aware of the adult working environment he's trying to step into. Financially, we will support him wherever necessary, as long as he is trying to stand on his own two feet.

"We will buy him his first car when needed. There's nothing shameful or wrong about giving your child a leg-up in life, no matter how old they are. I'll still be helping Philip, if I think he needs it, until the day I die."

'I picked a school the high-fliers go to'

Katharine Tustian from Blindley Heath, Surrey, works with pre-school children and does not believe she is bright enough to help her daughter, Alice, 15, with schoolwork. But she did go to considerable lengths to find the state secondary school that would give her the best start in life.

'I'm not well-educated and don't have a high level of intelligence, but I know people who do," said Katharine. "I knew children who were likely to prosper because their parents were in high-powered jobs, so I found out where they went. I have sent her to a school where parents have high expectations of their children.

"I know doing after-school activities is a benefit to your child's wellbeing, so I encourage that." Alice does gym club, cheerleading and air cadets. "Helping with homework, no. Because to be honest I can't do it."

Had Alice struggled with maths, she might have hired a tutor. "I think she is going to get through on her own merit, without me pushing. I shall just do the encouraging. We expect that she will go to university, but I don't sit there and do the work for her. I did read to her every day until she was nine, however."

'I'd give him a shove in the right direction'

Single mother Nicola Taylor, 47, lives in Preston, Lancashire, where she works for a security company. Her son, George, is 16. She has always devoted as much time as she can throughout his school career to helping him.

"I would do anything I could to help George. He's the most important person in the world to me," said Nicola.

"George knows I don't have a lot of money, but I do whatever I can do to help him. I have been saving for two years, so finances would not be a problem if he decided to go to university."

She said she has always been on hand to help with his schoolwork, and if he needs her help in future to get a job she will do whatever she can.

"If he wanted to go into the security industry, I would speak to any one of my contacts necessary to get his foot in the door.

"But I would never dream of just giving him a job. Instead, I'll introduce him to anyone I think could help him, and if need be I'd give him a little shove in the right direction."

'I'll help, but I won't do her homework for her'

Jon Mills, 37, is an office manager from Bristol. He and his wife Ruth, 39, have a five-year-old daughter, Jane.

He said: "I help Jane all the time with her homework and times tables, but I would never do her homework for her. That's not how I want to raise my child.

"We try to involve teaching and learning in everything we do with Jane. It's not just about homework, it's about talking about numbers and words whenever they come up.

"I'll always help her when she goes to secondary school and through to university, if she wants. But I'll never just do her work for her.

"What I try to do is help give her the tools to understand things, rather than giving her the answers. I try and show her how to find the answer for herself, and that won't change as she gets older.

"It will make her a stronger person, more able to make decisions for herself.

"I would be honoured if she chose to do the same career as me, and I would help her in any way I can.

"But before I let her make any decisions that would dictate her career for years to come, she would have to be sure that she was making the decision with her eyes open."

'Using your contacts could be the only way'

Reverend Glyn Evans's daughter Abbie, 20, is studying biology at Sheffield University, and he says he would always look to give her fair opportunities.

The 54-year-old vicar, from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, said: "It is just about giving opportunities to everybody, isn't it? My experience has been that most kids don't want a hand-up.

"What parents are trying to seek for their children is a fair playing field with people they are competing against. You have to give them a fair crack of the whip. It's a difficult balance."

Glyn added: "My dad helped me get contacts in school when I was trying to become a teacher, and I don't think that was wrong. People in the police force have been sacked for doing that kind of thing, while people in businesses seem to do it a lot. I think if business these days is such a competitive industry, sometimes using your contacts is the only way for your kids to find work.

"It is one thing giving them an opportunity that they grow into success – but it is another just handing it to them on a plate.

"I don't necessarily think it is right or wrong. It's about giving your children a fair chance."