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Also, it's very difficult for a person to be of any help, if they don't have the whole picture, or all the variables.

...which is why I take such pains to explain.

There's a saying "All decisions are based on inadequate information". I like to try and mitigate that as much as possible, whenever possible.

Anyway, thanks for your input. I'll speak no further on it.

I should also add that the only thing I had any interest in here was people's opinion on the fight it's self - the actual physical conflict and how it was described. Couldn't care less what they think of the characters or their motivation at the moment, since it's a whole 'noth matter - at least to me. But if folks wanna talk about it anyway, I will.

G.D.

Leave it be and it won't bother you.
Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

Something else about the scene I posted that I think folks might find interesting:

When I first wrote it, I had Megan and Richard going at it, with Megan beating the crap out of him in the end, then J.D. croaking him after Richard ran off at the mouth while Meg was calling the police..

The problem was, J.D. wasn't having any of that. He's just not the sort to stand there and watch, given the circumstances. He was already set to fight the second Richard started yelling, seeing that as a red flag. And when Megan busted Richard for thievery, and told him to ether shape up or get ready to take a whippin', that was the end of J.D. just being an observer if things went sideways... which they did.

So, I left all of the original cues in place, but this time let Meg assume Richard would back down and get back to business... especially with their client standing there watching and ready.

Edit: I have to add that Megan would likely have been right, anywhere but J.D.'s place. But due to the weirdness going on there in recent days - which she knew nothing of - it just wasn't gonna happen.

And Richard waiting until Megan had turned her back and resuming work when he pulled the gun just sealed the deal; J.D. pounced and Meg just didn't get any of that fight. ( Though she does get plenty of brawling in later on in the story, I assure you. But then what would you expect from someone who was Boudica in a previous life? The mother of horses, or "Horse Mama" is not to be trifled with or angered, if ya know what's good for ya.)

So that is the evolution of what you've read, and at least one instance of a character not allowing the story to go in a particular way.

Hope you find this little factoid at least interesting.

G.D.

Last edited by Guard Dog; November 5th, 2018 at 11:28 PM.

Leave it be and it won't bother you.
Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

Okay, so here's a couple of things I wanted to say. I think your action is pretty good, very convincing. But you seem to have a tendency to over-explain. Even at the very end, you were still referring to the female as the "tall woman," as if your readers needed to be reminded of that fact. Maybe you could give her a name so you didn't have to refer to her as anything other than ... Pinky, for example. LOL.

The tall woman finished her call, and walked back to J.D. Seeing Richard on the ground and not moving, she asked what happened.

This tendency to over-describe is really throughout the work. And listen, that is one of my BIGGEST hurdles. I want to explain. I want to tell everyone the why's and wherefore's of my scene, my characters, so much so that ... well, I'm just sayin' - this is a struggle for me, so I am capable of recognizing it in others.

One was a stocky fellow in a work uniform and apron, about an inch shorter than J.D. The other was a tall blonde woman with ice blue eyes, wearing jeans, a tee-shirt, and cowboy boots. She was also about six feet two inches tall, at least.

Unless the stocky fellow being shorter than J.D. and the woman being tall as a tree are important elements to your story line, I would suggest not being quite so verbose with their appearance. It takes away from the tension that is to erupt between them.

But this was really a fun read! I think you could do an awesome job with this and I hope to see more. I think we all walk a fine line when asking for critiques, especially when the material presented is part of a bigger project. When that is the case, I usually just try to focus on the writing itself, and not worry so much about information that I don't understand or doesn't seem to be there.

Thanks for the read, G.D. Keep going! (ps - I tried not to be too wordy )

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No, I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand by me.

“Hey, I’m gonna go see if I can help get supper up here,” J.D. told the crowd at the table, before taking the elevator down to the upper garage.

When the elevator doors opened, there set the van, the back doors open, and the rear end a dozen feet from the elevator. Two people were busy loading food onto a couple of catering carts as quickly as they could. One was a stocky fellow in a work uniform and apron, about an inch shorter than J.D. The other was a tall blonde woman with ice blue eyes, wearing jeans, a tee-shirt, and cowboy boots. She was also about six feet two inches tall, at least. She looked up from her work and smiled, then said “We’ll be ready in just a minute with this first load, but it looks like we’ll have at least one, one and a half more.”

“No hurry. Hell, I just came down to see if I could help, but it looks like I’m only gonna get in the way,” J.D. said as he stepped aside.

“Thanks, but we got it,” the man said. Then he turned to the woman and started yelling, when he saw what she was doing; “ No no no! That stuff stays on the truck, dammit! Now leave it!”

“No it doesn’t Richard! Bill told me to be absolutely sure you didn’t pull this shit, and to get everything on the damned carts! Now knock it the hell off, and stop your damned thieving, before I break your goddamn head!

Richard looked at her, then at J.D., and J.D. knew things were about to get bad. So when Richard pulled a gun out from under his apron, J.D. was already waiting on him.

First he stepped in and grabbed Richard’s gunhand, twisting it into a wrist lock, then hauled off and drove his palm into his chin. Quickly kneeing him in the groin, J.D. used the wrist-locked arm to throw him onto his back, finishing by standing on the man’s throat.

The woman, who’d had her back to them both when things started, had turned around, assessed the situation, and stepped out of the way. And when Richard had dropped the gun she had picked it up, stepped back and waited. Once he was down and out though, she walked over, squatted down, and stuck the barrel of the gun in Richard’s mouth, and then cocked the hammer of the little revolver.

“The only reason I haven’t already blown your brains out the back of you head is because I don’t want to ruin this man’s supper, or cost Bill and Molly the price of this order. But I can assure you that if you give me any trouble before the police get here… you will not live to see them arrive. Do you understand me, Richard?
Richard tried to nod, but the gun against his teeth stopped most of the motion, but did produce a clink clink clink sound.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Now, mister," she said to J.D., "get this asshole up on his feet, please, and I’ll find something to tie him up with.”

As the tall blonde was busy with the call at the front of the van, Richard looked at J.D. and said “You know the police ain’t gonna keep me very long, right? Well, when I get out, I’ll be back, and I’m gonna have a real good time watching your rich ass die. But her? Oh, I’m gonna have some fun with her… and I’m gonna make damn sure she lives to remember it.”

Hearing this, J.D. gave a grim, pitying smile and shook his head. “It’s a shame, y’know? A fellow just shouldn't be as fucking ugly as you are, and be so damned stupid too.” And with that, J.D. had his armor use a force field to reach inside Richard’s body and stop his heart. It would leave no trace for any coroner to find, and look like natural causes. And as the man silently died, J.D. lowered him to the ground.

The tall woman finished her call, and walked back to J.D. Seeing Richard on the ground and not moving, she asked what happened.

“Dunno… one minute he was standing here talking shit, the next he just slumped to the ground. I guess he must’ve passed out... Maybe he’s taking drugs or something?” J.D said with a shrug.

The woman bent down, checked for a pulse in his neck, then said, “Uh… he’s dead.”

“Really? Huh. Talk about instant karma. Ah well… couldn’t have happened to a more deserving fellow, I guess,” J.D. said with another shrug.

The woman looked at J.D. with undisguised suspicion. “That’s your story? He just died out of the clear blue, due to karma catching up to him?”

“That’s what I’m gonna tell the police. And I’m not even gonna bother tellin’ ‘em what he said about getting out of jail, coming back here and killing me, then finding you and “having some fun with you”, but making sure you lived to remember it,” J.D. said with raised eyebrows and his “what do ya think about that shit” look. “Besides,”he said, “You said the only reason you didn’t kill ‘im yourself was due to not wanting to ruin my supper, or cost your employers any money. And I am going to pay for this delivery. And as soon as the cops are out’a here, I’m gonna sit down and eat, and not even think of this murderous asshole, ever again.”

You knew things were going to get rough, but there really wasn't any reason for J.D. to be aware of that. The prior exchange was too brief.

It didn't make sense that the man would try to kill the woman in front of a witness. It also didn't make sense that he would be so blatant about the stealing as to tell the woman some of the stuff should remain behind.

After describing her, there's little reason to keep referencing her features. Was there another woman?

Just saying, I didn't see the Tombstone style "expression change" in the text on the page, and it changes the way the characters come off. Do you always argue with people trying to offer help? Because I am not arguing with you about your characters. I am offering a comment on how the wording of the text portrays them that doesn't seem to communicate your vision. Change it, don't change it, I care not, it is your writing.

Yeah, I decided to pursue discretion over valour... I don't even want to see what happens if you criticise the bad writing.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

I don't even want to see what happens if you criticise the bad writing.

Nothing at all.

The bad writing is being improved on a regular basis.

The story, however, is remaining the same, along with all the reasons for certain things that you don't get or pick up on with a story segment or fragment.

It's as simple as that.

Oh, and sorry to be so long in getting back to this. I've been a bit busy, and to be honest... it just wasn't that important, and certainly was never intended to be part of any 'Challenge'.

( The thread was moved from it's original place to here. I'd never have posted that segment as part of any challenge. It was used simply as an example of how I go about writing the technical aspects of fights, originally. )

G.D.

Leave it be and it won't bother you.
Screw with it, and it'll eat you alive.

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