This Year, Celebrate Black Friday at Home

I didn’t set my alarm to take advantage of the steals and deals of Black Friday.

As I slept, cozy and warm in a twin bed in my parents’ bonus room, I missed out on the hallowed holiday pastime of waking up at 3 AM, standing in a line, and letting the cold seep up through my shoes outside of a Best Buy.

I may have already done most of my Christmas shopping online; however, engaging in fisticuffs against someone's grandmother over a flat screen television at 25% off is a tradition that I’m not willing to forgo.

This year, I have no choice but to take Black Friday to the streets, transforming peaceful, everyday experiences in my neighborhood into opportunities for conflict and chaos in the name of bargain hunting.

Cause a feeding frenzy in the park

Today is a beautiful day to say “No!” to America’s culture of consumerism by skipping out on retail stores in favor of mother nature, but also to say “Hell yes!” to America’s culture of destroying one another over limited resources by instigating a battle between the neighborhood squirrels.

Crush up a granola bar in your bare hands and let the pieces fall where they may… then sit back on a park bench and watch as the pigeons and squirrels brawl it out for an afternoon snack.

Look on in horror as one squirrel tries to claw out the eyes of a competitor for one of the raisins. Capture grainy security footage-quality film of an earthworm being trampled as the strongest in the pack stampede towards a chunk of chocolate chips, and then put it on YouTube.

Transform your garage into a Black Friday obstacle course

Your husband planned to start pulling the Christmas decor out of the garage after lunch. Create a terrifying and chaotic maze for him in the garage with displays of haphazardly arranged boxes, while “Silver Bells” plays hauntingly in the background.

While he attempts to maneuver the lawn mower that you used to blockade the door through the narrow passageways, leap out at him unexpectedly like a mom on a mission for deeply discounted bluetooth speakers that she’s certain will gain the respect of her step-son. (He will likely ram you without remorse, but this, too, is a critical part of your synthetic Black Friday experience.)

As he storms out of the garage, empty-handed and bitter, bask in the knowledge that both of you were able to partake in this holiday tradition from the comfort of your own home.

Scream at a stranger

Don’t miss out on your chance to funnel misdirected anger at an innocent bystander.

In Wal-Mart, this could be the hapless teenager who doesn’t confidently know which aisle the Fitbits are in or the cashier on the verge of tears who doesn’t know whether you can apply your 15% off one sale item coupon to a Doorbuster deal.

In the wild, it could be literally anyone.

Approach a jogger and scream “WHERE ARE THE TOASTER OVENS!?” Then throw your shoe at him as he skirts past you on the sidewalk and runs away. Shove a handful of coupons at a child on the playground and immediately demand to speak to their manager.

Really take it out on someone who is just trying to do their job - mutter about how hard it is to get good help these days when your mailman delivers your first Christmas card or heckle the team who mows your neighbor’s lawn - to get the most bang for your buck; which, after all, is what Black Friday is all about!

After a full day of gratitude and thankfulness, don’t miss out on your Black Friday opportunity to display the depths of poor human behavior.