What makes him right for you?

August 28, 2015

And it is not just what drew you to him in the first place.

What makes him right for you boils down to five distinct components. They are all important, and when any one of them is missing, he ceases to be right for you. As things get more serious with a guy you’re dating, see if you have the following:

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: This is a must if you want to enjoy a physical relationship with him. If you shudder at his touch or feel nothing, he will feel rejected as a man and won’t be as motivated to make you happy in the relationship. Both of you will be robbed of affection, warmth, sexual intimacy, and a rockin’ good time. Remember, nobody else in the universe has to think he’s physically attractive. Just you. You don’t have to think he’s the hottest dude on the planet, but you do have to like his looks. And vice versa — he needs to find you physically attractive. If he is critical of your looks or never touches you (or hates being touched by you), you will feel unwanted and miserable. It will destroy your self-esteem.

NON-PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: Physical attraction can’t be the only glue that keeps a couple together, because, of all the components, the physical aspect most easily wanes over time. This is where personality compatibility, as in emotional and mental attraction, comes in. When you both get along well and are able to enjoy each other’s company in a variety of situations, there’s more to deepen your bonding. A marriage can last this way as looks fade, when the emotional and mental connections have cemented the love so much that he’s not going to want to ditch you for a younger version and you’re not going to need to cheat on him. Therefore, you both need to love each other’s non-physical aspects as well.

SIMILAR VALUES: This covers a lot of ground but it’s a must so the both of you aren’t bickering over things like how to treat each other, how to raise kids, money and finances, religion, recreational drug use, alcohol intake, etc. If telling him why he shouldn’t eat meat causes arguments between the two of you, you need to find a vegetarian. Or if you’re unhappy that he is always broke, you need to let him go too. His and your values don’t need to be exactly the same. They just need to be generally the same in order to minimize differences and pave a smoother path in the journey together. Why start out with hurdles to overcome?

LIFESTYLE COMPATIBILITY: This is a must because if your dream is to live on a farm and raise chickens, an urbanite jetsetter won’t do. Of course, if you don’t know what you want and you’re pretty flexible, you’re more likely to be able to adapt to someone else’s lifestyle. Or if you love partying and he thinks silence is golden, rethink if this will work in the long run, when you’re married to him and he demeans your friends and your loud music. Get to know him, but know yourself.

COLLABORATION: This is a must if you want any peace in the house. You’re two different people and sometimes you want A and he wants B. If neither of you is willing to budge or come up with a suitable alternative, there will be struggles, quarrels, and dissatisfaction. It is important not to be too stubborn to forgive, let go of grudges, and collaborate. If something is mutually beneficial, it trumps individual preferences. When individual preferences prove costly to the relationship, then someone’s ego is too big and someone is getting taken advantage of (or one of the other four components is missing). Highly individualistic tendencies mean someone ought to find a doormat or stay single. Needless to say, collaboration only works if both partners are collaborative.

THEREFORE….

An attractive guy you are having great conversations with (whose mom thinks the world of you) wouldn’t be right for you if you get upset because he prefers a beer and a home movie every weekend instead of going out to a nice restaurant. This is where you don’t have LIFESTYLE COMPATIBILITY with him.

Or if your guy thinks it’s important to be nice by checking up on his ex-girlfriends and you think he needs to be over them and move on. This would be a case of not having VALUES that are similar.

Differences in lifestyle and values are fine as long as nobody’s upset or arguing over them. Otherwise, they can be deal breakers.

Each component is necessary to make a lifelong relationship work. Think of them as five pillars required to support the long-term going-ons of a relationship. When one of them breaks down, the other four pillars won’t be able to take its place and the relationship is at risk.

So, to increase your chances of success, keep these components in mind!

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The ‘holiday romance’ guy decided he will be meeting me in another country. He is very excited to meet me there.

My concern is that I feel I have to make a decision now regarding whether or not to let this go forward. I do not want to spend time e-mailing to and through (which is what we would have to do) for 2 months until the holidays when we would see each other again. (Perhaps because I might find out during the holidays that I wasted my time or that I like him and the logistical challenges of our situation could not be overcome?) You advised in your writings not to spend time just chit-chatting via emails and I agree since I do not want to become attached without dating and seeing him face-to-face.

I forgot to mention: we did not sleep together while on holiday. Also, despite responding to his emails after 24 hrs only (like you advise), I held back a bit (did not respond) and he was quick to email again asking if I am getting his emails…

Is there a reason you’re not letting him visit you where you live? At least you are not going to be visiting him first. Ideally, dating on a regular basis is a better way of getting to know a guy. Visits or trips are tricky because the dating process is crunched down time-wise and feelings can be sped up. This makes it harder to get to know each other.

However, if you do go and meet him, you will have to space out your dates. Don’t spend all day with him. Definitely don’t spend the night together. Technically a date should be only 2 to 3 hours long. If that’s not possible for you when you see him, then you end up in the Danger Zone, detailed in my EGuides.

It’s good you’re not spending too much time emailing and chatting. Let him get to know you face to face. But, don’t rush when you see him either. Pacing is important.

You have legitimate concerns. Holiday visits and trips together as ways to see each other don’t lead to a strongly bonded relationship or marriage. Is he seeking a serious relationship and looking to settle down? If a guy is, and he thinks you’re the one, then he would try to arrange his life to make it work.

If he isn’t, then there is no point in seeing him. If you don’t know for sure, and if you want to see how he feels about it, you might want to let him know your concerns by saying, “I would love to see you and really enjoyed being with you. But I am not seeking a long-distance relationship. I think it would be hard to get to know someone well that way.”

Then see what he says. Of course, he could be saying whatever to see you again, but not necessarily toward a steady relationship where the two of you can actually be together and get married.

The other choice is to make the trip and see what he’s about. You aren’t going to marry him just because of this trip. But if you fall for him, he needs to be proving he is serious in making it work with you.

A woman who doesn’t want a long distance suitor wouldn’t waste time. She wouldn’t be discussing the possibility of taking a trip to meet him again. Does this sound like you? If not, ask yourself, what can you handle? Can you handle whatever consequences that occur? Can you learn from it? Can you simply accept that it may not work out?

Remember, even if it doesn’t work out, you will gain a lot from the experience. You will be better equipped to make right choices. You just have to know what you can handle. Can you tolerate the risk that it doesn’t work out? Or is the risk not a bad deal due to the reward?

I met a guy while on holiday. We got along well, enjoyed each other’s company and there was physical attraction. Initially only meant to be a holiday romance (we live very far apart) but he has asked to stay in contact and in the process of contacting me said he would really like to see me again. I repaid that I would love to get together but that I won’t be able to get away and asked him for suggestions. He said he was hoping I could come to his country. I do not think that is the right thing to do…

I thought of suggesting he visit me in another country when I am going there on leave in a few months? Or should I end contact?

If he wants to see you again, he needs to make plans to visit you wherever you are. Asking you to visit him is like asking you to pick him up at his house for the date, which no Prize Catch would do. Notice he said he was “hoping” you would go to his country. This suggests to me he was throwing out it out there in case it sticks, and if so, he wins. His request was not indicative of serious interest but of another fun rendezvous reminiscent of your holiday romance.

If you’re serious about finding a relationship and not just do flings, it would be wise if you tell him something like, “Well, it’s too bad I can’t visit you. It would be nice to see you again.” Then leave it up to him to step up to offer to visit you, or not. You’ll get your answer as to how interested he really is in you.

Remember, the most obvious indication of a man’s interest is his level of investment in you. The less he invests, the less he is interested. Visiting him won’t make him interested, but just make him understand he doesn’t have to do much to get you to come to him — and devalue your worth in his eyes.

After reading this and taking time to evaluate the implications, perhaps you won’t feel the need to contact him at all. You might want to let him contact you instead. See if he even misses you!

Holidays are holidays. The fun and romance don’t always result in a serious relationship. So no matter how much you enjoyed his company, remind yourself that when a man and a woman are both in a great mood and being loose, chemistry can strike. Now you have to stick to Prize Catch principles as illustrated in the EGuides to minimize grief and maximize a favorable outcome.

Thank you so much for writing this post. I am so grateful as it comes at the right moment. It’s almost serendipitous. I had the question in my mind, and absentmindedly checked your blog to find this! Wow! Thank you. I have been on a 4th date with a lovely man and still nothing. It makes me so sad because I finally met someone I connect with on a mental level. We have similar values and would love a similar kind of lifestyle, but I shudder when he comes close. He’s not even unattractive, I just can’t imagine him on me. The thought makes my miserable. So, back to the drawing board, but I have to say that your blog has helped me tremendously. Men show me respect now. If I don’t like a certain behavior I sweetly but firmly point it out. The latest person I went on a date with (not the one I mentioned previously) was babbling about our meaningless conversation because I wasn’t responding much to his texts, so I just ignored his messages entirely. He asked what he had to do to hear from me, and I asked him to think of what a gentleman would do, and when he found the answer, to write me back. He swiftly asked me out on a date. And I only came up with that answer because of your blog. He wasn’t the one either unfortunately.

I have also learned to be humble. Not every man will see me as his type. I just hope that I will soon meet the right one for me. Thanks again 🙂

Wow, serendipity! Thank you for your story. What an answer you gave him, “Think of what a gentleman would do”! I like that. And he responded by stepping up. Well done.

Yes, it’s unfortunate that something as important as physical attraction is missing when everything else is there. You did give it four dates to see if something would click, so it meant you did everything you could to create an opportunity for a spark and didn’t discard him without a thought.

Every woman is different in what initially turns her on. Some women are more tactile and need to be kissed or touched before they can feel chemistry. Others need to laugh a lot. Even mental or emotional connections can create the spark. But when nothing else can be done in the physical department, you just know. Like you inferred, it’s not about how physically attractive he is.

The only time when being repulsed is not an indication of lack of physical attraction necessarily is when a past trauma of some sort (such as a sexual assault) has created the aversion. Not assuming this is the case for you, of course, but past trauma is something to rule out for anyone out there who has difficulty with physical closeness or sex. When that gets resolved, one’s feelings about someone can be more accurately ascertained.

Nevertheless, you’re on the right track. And yes, it’s good to stay humble because everybody is wrong or right for different people. Keep meeting new men and never give up on yourself!

I want to assure you that you may be sad now, but you won’t be forever. There are many women I am aware of who got married WITHOUT feeling physically attracted to their men (due to all the other components working for them that led them to justify signing the dotted line), and guess where they ended up?

Sad, crying, full of regret, and sick to their stomachs (of having to pretend and fake it). Or they deaden the pain with medication. Or they busy themselves to a frenzy so they cease to have to think about it.

If they’re not faking it, there just isn’t any sex anyway and their relationship becomes more like that of a brother and sister or of roommates. Sort of like a friendly business arrangement codified by law. Not what most people would happily sign up for, right?

Some of these women divorce quickly while some don’t till their kids are grown. Others stay for a lifetime due to deep emotional attachments to their husbands, guilt, fear of change, and fear of being single and alone. Meanwhile, these women feel like frauds. Even if all the other components are working.

Cheating by one or both spouses becomes common, due to feeling sexually unfulfilled and deprived.

There is no happy ending, and no happy journey along the way either.

Now, there is nothing wrong with not having a physical relationship if both parties are okay with it. But when a woman denies herself this basic need of hers, there is a price to pay.

My stomach did flip flops and somersaults when I read your response. Thank you so much. I keep telling myself that sex should be joyful. I remember it is. With my ex, the spark was about 4 out of 10, he was a good guy (who I chased) and a great friend and still is. Despite, the average spark, it was fun, it should be fun! I should want to dig my nose into the crook of his neck and leave it there and soak up all of his scent and feel completely safe in his arms and not want to leave his warmth and not want to stop hearing the sound of his heart beating. I saw a couple in a coffee shop today. The man was bald and the lady sat next to him, holding him, and kissing his head. She just left her lips there on his head for 10 to 15 mins, and I thought “God, I want that!”
They looked completely at peace, it didn’t matter what either of them looked like. It gives me hope. I am getting closer every day. One day soon, I hope to write on this blog again to tell you that I’ve finally found him. I save so much time already because I don’t even waste a second with timewasters. They don’t even bother me at all. When they know that I know the game that they are playing, there’s no hard feelings we just laugh about it and move on to the next in a matter of minutes. 🙂 I am really glad I found your blog. I’ve tried all other ways, even ended up nearly marrying a guy I chased (my ex), and it just never works. Women have come a long way, but we cannot change the way men are wired, and now I see it would truly be a mistake to try.

Thanks again. I have hope. I’m sad now, but I don’t have the heart to tie the lovely man I was seeing to someone who can never really love him the way he deserves. Life’s just too short. ❤

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