I think I met my guardian angel today. He’s an elderly man from Baltimore, I kid you not. You know when you meet people and after they leave, you have a weird smile on your face? When you have a really good warm feeling after talking to someone? That’s what I got from this guy. I don’t know his name or anything about him really, but I know that he’s special.

I was volunteering today in the museum gift shop. It was a typical day full of glances at the clock and me miming shooting myself in the head. I was starting to zone out. Then all of a sudden, right in the middle of a blink, there was a man in front of me. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked. “Sure” I said, assuming that I was in trouble or that he was going to yell at me because we didn’t have his size in a t-shirt. Instead he talked to me about Carigdarroch Castle. This is a cool castle that we have in Victoria B.C., which I still haven’t visited yet…oops!

He talked about how much he loved it and then he mentioned that he was originally from Indiana but now lives in Baltimore. “Hey” I said, “I lived in Indiana when I was younger. In Fort Wayne.” This made him really happy. Why are old people so easy to please? Like, any mention of anything familiar and they’re all smiles.

He told me about how he lived in Lafayette and went to college at Purdue. He also told me about how he wanted to work for the best insurance company in the states. So he worked for Social Security. I told him that’s pretty impressive and he seemed to give me a look that said “I know!” So then I gave him look that said “Alright calm down.”

He asked me why I was in Victoria. I basically told him my life story and at the end of it he said, “Well that’s great! But are you happy?” I told him I was. And it wasn’t a lie. But I think I’m a genuinely happy person so maybe I wouldn’t even know if I was sad. He told me that being happy is the most important thing.

After he left, a few of the gift shop employees were like, “Who was that guy?” I said that I didn’t know. But I knew he was sincerely wishing the best for me.

I hope he doesn’t mind me awarding him the honor of being my guardian angel. He seemed like a natural.

Jillian Michaels, Gordon Ramsay, and Tabatha Coffey. When most people think of these gems they think: harsh, mean, and loud. I, cannot disagree with that. For some reason, however, I am comforted by them. There is something about these three that rings true to me. They will scream at people, walk out on them, and maybe even call them stupid. But the fact of the matter is, deep down, they’re trying to help people. Instead of fighting for them, they help people fight for themselves.

Jillian Michaels is one tough cookie. She was my introduction into tough people with good hearts. I’m sure I’ve met others throughout my life that are like her, but on a much smaller scale. When I would watch The Biggest Loser contestants on her team I would say “Ha! Good luck!” as I wolfed down a third brownie. But honestly, I think she had the best team results on the show. She really drove people to do the best the could. Of course she’s made contestants cry and scream, but in the end, I think they were thankful for having her push them that hard. Jillian Michaels famously said, “Unless you puke, faint, or die, keep going!” Soooo my death will be what makes you say “Okay maybe we should take a break.”? Good to know.

“DO YOU WANT TO BE FAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE???” Umm if it means you’ll stop yelling at me, sure.

Gordon Ramsay knows his stuff when it comes to the kitchen and he has no tolerance when others don’t. He’ll slam down sloppily made dishes and he’ll kick out people who talk back and make excuses. He has a soft side though. I’ve seen it. When I was watching Hotel Hell (apparently he knows a lot about the hotel business as well??) last week, he came across this young man working in a crappy hotel kitchen. He connected with the guy so much that Gordon offered to pay all of his college tuition for him just so he could get the opportunities he needed to do great things. Hey may call people “f-ing donkeys”, but I think he’s a good person.

Do people actually use knife sharpeners?

Tabatha Coffey looks as if she’s about to bite your head off at all times. Ms. Coffey is perhaps the least popular of the bunch. She stars on the show, Tabatha’s Salon Takeover where she helps sinking salons find their place in the business again. Of course there’s a lot of drama involved. She gets in some great fights. I”m recommending some quality television, so take note. At the end of each episode, the salon owners and employees are so thankful that she came and rescued their dying shop. Tabatha makes people feel more confident and in control. Unless they’re stupid and don’t listen to her. In which case she’ll pull a Donald–“You’re Fired!”

And I give you the blonde version of Kris Jenner.

I’m sure in real life I would be extremely turned off by these three toughies. Maybe the reason I like them so much is because I’m safe in my house, watching them through a screen.

What watching endless hours of Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den has taught me is that if you’re going to invent something, you need to have a patent. I’ve been really patient, watching the world get smarter, seeing technology advance and what not. But it’s 2012 and there are still tons of inventions that would make human life easier. I’m all for looking out for my fellow humans. Okay, let’s be honest. That’s not true. I’m just looking out for my own benefit here, as per usual.

Jet packs. How do we not have jet packs yet? We’re living in the 21st century and our main option for long distance travel is an airplane full of smelly people. Are we animals? We basically haven’t evolved at all. If aliens land on Earth and realize that we can’t even fly on our own yet, they won’t even conquer us. How embarrassing.

Oh great. Pauly D got a hold of a jet pack.

Hover cars. This is basically the same thing as jet packs, but better. Once we stop playing with rocks on Mars, maybe we can get our sh*t together and start building cool stuff. Jet packs are the first step. Hover cars will be amazing because then we can actually bring stuff with us. Think about it– you can’t pack anything when you travel by jet pack. But hover cars will make it like a road trip, but in the sky! Of course, then someone will have to figure out the rules of the air (kind of like the rules of the road, but with less rules). We can worry about that later.

Water proof iPods. Look, I want to be able to swim laps without talking to myself or singing songs in my head. It’s really annoying and I would appreciate it if someone would figure this one out pronto. It would also be awesome to use when you float around in the ocean. This invention doesn’t even seem that challenging to make. I’m sure the genius bar at the Apple Store can figure it out. They are geniuses, right? You can’t just falsely label someone a genius, right? I’m looking at you, dead Steve Jobs.

Food that doesn’t make us fat. At this day and age why do we even need food to survive? Shouldn’t we be able to take a pill that fills us up and that’s the end of it? Like that gum that Willy Wonka made that tasted like a full dinner. But without the weird side effects. Imagine how much money we would save not having to worry about agriculture, harvesting, farming, etc. Like, how is it that I’m solving all of the world’s problems on my blog post and I’m not even considered as a presidential candidate? I would even settle for Prime Minister of Canada. Jk no I wouldn’t.

Weird side effects= turning blue and fat. The opposite of cute.

Animal Translators. Why the F can’t we talk to animals yet? They’re so wise and cool. We could learn a lot from them. The closest we’ve come is teaching Koko the gorilla sign-language. That’s awesome and everything, like whoever did that deserves a pat on the back, but lets ACTUALLY figure out how to listen to what animals are saying. For realzies. And lets make them understand us. I’m talking full-on Doctor Dolittle, Wild Thornberry’s, stuff.

So those are my inventions. Don’t even think about stealing them. This post serves as a patent for all of the above inventions. If I find out that any of you steal my ideas and make millions, I probably won’t do anything, but I’ll be pretty pissed.

I did a very Canadian thing on the weekend. I went camping. If there’s one thing that I learned, it’s that Canadians are into camping. Paul and I went to buy a tent at Wal*Mart and they were all sold out. SOLD OUT OF TENTS. Wal*Mart isn’t allowed to be sold out of anything.

We went to an actual camping store and bought a two-man tent. And when I say a two man tent, I mean that both men have to be extremely small to fit comfortably inside the tent. There wasn’t too much walking (or sitting) room available. But it was cute. Good thing I don’t mind being really close to Paul.

If camping consisted of sitting in those chairs all day, I would be an awesome camper.

We set up our campsite and then we decided to go swimming in Englishman River. When I pictured Englishman river, I thought it would be a gentle, welcoming body of water–like an Englishman I guess. Well, I’m sure it was gentle and welcoming, but it was frigid as well. Like, if it was one degree colder, it would’ve been frozen. Paul swam in it like some kind of Canadian weirdo. I went up to my knees. And the minute that I announced, “I’m only going up to my knees” I slipped on a rock and my whole body went under. Very funny, God.

After that excitement, we went back to our site and had hotdogs and smores. Whenever I think about smores, I have to quote The Sandlot. “First, you take the graham…” Such a perfect scene.

Once we finished stuffing our faces, we played cards. Hearts in particular. For all you Hearts aficionados, there were four of us playing. Paul’s younger cousins were with us. They were decked out with all the finest camping equipment that we didn’t have. They brought the cards and the chairs. So without them, it would’ve been pretty boring. Shout out to Chantal because she told me that she reads my blog and thinks I’m super funny. Can you blame her? Look, you’re famous now! Shout out to Tristan because he was really good at wielding a hatchet and told me I was good at pumping up air mattresses. Even though I got lazy and stopped before it was finished.

Later on we went on a walk to see the waterfall. The actual name of the place we went was called Englishman River Falls. I should have known there would be a waterfall involved, but I have trouble putting two and two together. Actually, I have trouble putting any combination of numbers together.

We found the waterfall. I was taken aback. It was so grand and waterfall-y. Anyone would’ve surely died if they jumped off the top. Pictures cannot do it justice. But here’s some anyway:

The very tip top of the waterfall.

At night we told ghost stories and talked about scary movies. And I ended up eating an entire chocolate bar for no apparent reason. After that, I had the worst sleep of my life. But it was worth it because I had such a great time.

Okay, so I don’t actually have an addiction per se, but I am interested in some strange stuff. You see, it all started because I’m a picker.

No, not a nose picker. Well, at one point I think we were all nose pickers. It’s like a cave of wonders in there. I’m a picker in the sense that I can’t leave things alone. If I have a scrape or a scab, consider it picked and prodded at all angles. Hangnails? Ripped off. Dead skin? Pshh gone in seconds. Pimples? Well, I wasn’t blessed with pimples to keep me occupied. Other people’s pimples? Poked, squeezed, and extracted thanks to moi. I don’t even see earwax on my Q-tips any more because I use them that often.

The thing is, I’m not addicted to any of those things. They just, entertain me and keep me busy. There was one day when I was all out of things to pick. Nothing left. So I went on YouTube and watched a video compilation of people popping pimples. I WATCHED STRANGERS POP ZITS. I love seeing puss being drained out. I don’t know why. You can stop reading now, if you’re getting grossed out. For some reason this all makes sense in my brain, but when it’s written out, it’s actually really weird.

Come here, troubled soul. I’ll get that for you.

The pimple videos were great and everything, but I started to get bored of them. So I found something new and more exciting. Bot fly removal. You need to hear a little background story before you truly understand what going on.

In South America, bot flies lay their eggs on mosquitoes because they’re too big to get close enough to hosts. The mosquitoes sting the hosts and the eggs fall off onto the host and, because of the body temperature of the host, the eggs hatch and the larvae burrow into the host’s flesh.

Just for the record, if science class was like this, I would’ve received an A+++.

The larvae grow and grow until they need to be extracted from the skin. You can’t pull them out easily though. They have teeth that hook them into your flesh. You have to put tape over their breathing hole and then they’ll come up for air. That’s the magic moment when you pull them out.

Here’s a video saying exactly what I just said, but better. Also, I don’t know why it says “sex maniacs” on it. Are bot flies sex maniacs?

It’s pretty exciting. I would be lying if I said I haven’t watched every human bot fly removal video on YouTube. I won’t watch them be removed from animals though. Even I have standards.

Also, if you’re looking to watch other extractions that aren’t as gruesome, may I suggest teeth being pulled? The one on Green Day’s Geek Stink Breath music video is a good one. Very rewarding at the end.

What have we learned? Don’t ever ever ever go to South America. And Lily is super gross.

I don’t use the phrase “literally scarier than 9/11” often, but the lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are engaged.

Don’t look for too long–you might turn into stone.

I didn’t even know this duo was dating. Mostly due to the fact that I like to pretend that Chad Kroeger doesn’t exist. Same with Avril’s teeth. Her fangs are crazier than any vampire’s. But I guess vampires are in right now? Regardless, dating Chad Kroeger is NOT in. Getting engaged to him is social suicide.

This Canadian couple has me wondering if I made a mistake by entering their country of origin. I even called it my home once or twice! Can I take that back? Pretend it never happened?

I’ve heard that if you say the name Chad Kroeger 3 times in your bathroom with the lights turned off, Chad Kroeger actually appears and sings you an entire Nickelback album. Isn’t that horrifying? Like Bloody Mary but way worse.

I’m really depressed for Avril because I think she’s punishing herself. Think about it. She was dating Brody Jenner. And now she’s engaged to someone named Chad. She must have thought that she had to atone for Brody breaking up with her. This way she can serve the rest of her years knowing that she paid the price for letting Brody slip through her fingers.

She could’ve been engaged to this!

Is Chad Kroeger considered a Sk8er Boi? If so, how can we rid the world of all Sk8er Bois? Also, do you think Avril is going to wear a tie with her wedding dress a la her Complicated music video? What a style icon she was. Her taste in men also seems to be very complicated.

If you don’t catch my drift, basically what I’m trying to say is that both Avril and Chad are super gross, and scary. But seriously, I’m almost positive that this is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.