Mike Argento: Imagine Joe Biden as the next pope

NEWS ITEM: CNN reported that Vice President Joe Biden, asked about Pope Benedict XVIís decision to step down from his post, said, ďIím not running.Ē

Howís it going, folks. Good to be here. Great day. Great day. Hey, wheelchair guy, good to see ya! God love ya!

Good to see you all here at the Vatican. Great place. They treat you really well here. Super place. The hospitality, top notch. Of course, when youíre pope, you have run of the place. But still, the little old ladies in the kitchen do a great job. Iíll have them whip up some lasagna for you all.

You know, when I was first asked about being pope, I thought, no way. I mean, I didnít want to have to run, and I had a pretty good job as it was. But then, they talked to me, I talked it over with my family, and you know, I just came to the conclusion that it could be a good job.

I mean, pope, thatís a big freakiní deal.

And as I look at out at all of you, and these robes and these very cool red slippers, I canít help but think back to my working-class roots back in Scranton, Pa. I never, in my wildest imagination, thought I would be here today. My father worked his tail off to make sure I had a better life, that I was able to achieve the American dream, one that could only be possible in America.

Or maybe Italy.Same difference.

I love it here. The food is amazing, but I think you still get better pizza in Old Forge, up near Scranton...

Whatís that? Cardinal Sarducci over here just gave me the sign to cut it off about the pizza. Something about you all being kind of sensitive about that. No problem. Love the pizza here. Just saying itís not like a good old Old Forge pie...

OK. Fine. Enough about the pizza.

And the women here in Italy. I canít say enough about them. The most beautiful women in the world, just the other day, I was...

Cardinal Sarducciís over here having a stroke.

Take it easy, big guy.Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, I thought it was a long shot, but I figured what the hey, being pope could be pretty good gig. Get to live in a nice house. But some of that artwork. You guys are really big on the naked people. Couldnít Michelangelo put some shorts on these guys?

I kid.Now, as I was saying, itís a pretty good job. Do some blessings. Hang out with the cardinals, although they havenít been the same since Albert Pujols left.

Itís a joke, Sarducci. Look it up.

Other than that, thereís not much to do, except approve the occasional settlement for sexual abuse vic...

Whatís that, Sarduch? I call him Sarduch. Itís a little thing we...

Ix-nay on the ettlement-say?You guys and your Latin. Cracks me up.

Moving on, I was saying, itís a good gig and you get to do some good, I guess. I mean, look at the Mother Teresa. Little woman. Looked kinda like E.T. Did some good stuff with lepers. We had something to do with that, right?

And Iím sure thereís other stuff.

As I was riding over here in the Popemobile - what a car! - I was thinking about what I was going to say today. But seriously, riding in the Popemobile, itís hard to think about anything but ďDang, Iím riding in the Popemobile!Ē Just incredible. And my driver, Mario, good guy, but Iím telling you, you Italians, they way you drive...

Whoa, take it easy, Sarduch! Just kidding around.

And I donít even know if thatís his name, Mario. Looks like that guy from the video game...

OK, Sarduch, relax. Youíre gonna give yourself a heart attack.

And while Iím at it, these slippers, awesome. Very comfortable. But the hat? Itís a fine hat, Iím sure, a great hat, has some history. I keep knocking it off in doorways. I guess your previous popes were pretty short...

Look at Sarduch over there. Someone get him a glass of water or something.

Yeah, well, as I stand here before you all, I just want to say what a privilege it is to follow Pope Benny. Yeah, I call him Pope Benny. That, or Ratso, after his name, Ratzinger. Pope Ratso, has a ring to it. Tough act to follow. Good guy, that Ratso.

I just want to say, best of luck in your retirement. I hear heís moving into a nice assisted-living development in Boca. Just a little advice, I wouldnít tell the neighbors about your Nazi Youth past...

Sarduch, you OK?Iím about to wrap it up.

Anyway, good to be here. Thanks a bunch for electing me pope. Iíll do my best not to mess this up too much. As I said, this is a big freakiní deal.

And God love ya.You too wheelchair guy.

Thatís OK. Donít get up.Mike Argento is a columnist for our sister newspaper, The York Daily Record. Reach him at mike@ydr.com or 717-771-2046. Read more Argento columns at www.ydr.com/mike. Or follow him on Twitter at FnMikeArgento.