As part of their awesome Chewing The Fat series, our friends at Serious Eats have this amazing clip of Anthony Bourdain and Mario Batali talking in detail about sex and food, and the relationship therein. First of all, I find Anthony Bourdain to be incredibly sexy. He’s funny, he can cook, and for the love of hotness! He ate the still-beating heart of a cobra! Now, on the OTHER hand…Batali? Not so much. His food is f*cking amazing, but let’s be honest: the man wears wet orange crocs all day long. Why are they wet? Because they’re covered in his head sweat, that’s why.

So, in the beginning of the video, Bourdain starts the convo off, talking about “rolling over into the wet spot,” and immediately I wonder if he is referring to the chair I’m currently sitting in. But THEN, Batali starts talking, with phrases like “there’s a couple of ways of making someone happy by putting something inside of them,” and he’s bringing up images of banging somebody with an eggplant. Goddamnit Batali! You’re the f*cking wet blanket on my Bourdain bonfire! The desert wind drying up the lush Everglades in my pants! The Debbie Downer in my down-there. Okay…I’ll stop. Just watch:

Oh Anthony. If only that video was just you alone. You could “engorge my membrane” any time…any place.