Mr Snell pictured leaving hospital in a wheelchair with his bruises still painfully evident.

This is the face of a hairy man who was beaten up by migrants on his stag night in a notorious East London no-go area for white Christian patriots. Alan Snell, 23 from Blackheath, south London was enjoying his last night of freedom until the point where he became separated from his chums and decided to pop into a takeaway shop in Brick Lane for a vegetable samosa.

Alan takes up the story:

“I’d got my samosas and was just about to bite into one when I found my way barred by three big black blokes. They said I shouldn’t be in Whitechapel because it’s a no-go area where white Christian patriots and Daily Express readers weren’t welcome. I tried to push past them but they set about me, punching me in the face and kicking me.

“I felt sick to my stomach being attacked in my own country by migrants and couldn’t understand why they were picking on me. They blacked my eyes and I had blood in my wee for three days. Thankfully they didn’t steal my phone or my wallet, but they completely ruined my Britain First jacket.

“I shan’t be going there again and that’s a fact. I’ve no idea why I was singled out. This is my country and if I decide to piss outside a mosque that’s my right as a patriotic British citizen. I didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of a good kicking by those three big black blokes.

“My fiancee, Jayda, was horrified when we had to postpone the wedding. Of course I’ll be having another stag night, but this time it’ll be in Alabama where big black blokes know their place.”

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

The extreme right political party Britain First were yesterday celebrating a decisive victory in its bid to take our country back, when an estimated 600,000 flag bearing marchers took to the streets of Burton On Trent in Staffordshire protesting the proposed opening of a mosque in the town. According to a Britain First spokesperson BF supporters flocked from all corners of the UK in support of their anti-Islamic message.

“It was a fantastic turn out today,” announced a fat bloke with a megaphone. “Our officials lost count of the numbers at the 600,000 mark when the batteries failed on our Knights Templar calculator. It’s great news for Britain First, and what’s more it means I won’t have to resort to flogging cheap tat out of a suitcase like Del Boy out of Only Fools And Horses. We do it all online these days.”

“It sent a shiver down my spine seeing so many flag-waving patriotic Brits in one place at one time,” said a man drinking Special Brew straight from the can. who identified himself as Wellard Harry from Brentwood, Essex. “I reckon they’ve underestimated the attendance in the official figures. If you ask me it was nearer to a million.”

The march started out from a car park in the town and went largely unnoticed as the throng was escorted by the police through some back streets to another car park where a Britain First speaker got hysterical over something or other and the crowd lapped it up.

However, the wife of a serving Staffordshire police officer had a slightly different view. “My old man hates pulling duty like this ‘event,'” she told us. “He says it’s basically just babysitting a bunch of idiots with nothing better to do, wasting public money and police time and resources that could have been better utilised elsewhere. The bottom line is that these people are a bunch of deluded arseholes with nothing better to do. And there weren’t 600,000 there at all. Somebody somewhere is telling porkies.”

Local resident Steve Tyhurst who heard about the march but didn’t actually see it told us: “I don’t get what they’re about, unless it’s just to do with getting donations off stupid people. If they want to fight they should join the army. Although the army probably wouldn’t have them because they’re too old, too fat, and they’d probably fail the entry level intelligence test.”

A local councillor who asked that his name be withheld told us: “They’re claiming 600,000 attended? Definitely not. When they wave flags it gives the impression from a distance that there’s a lot more of them, which is a bit of a con really. There certainly wasn’t that number on show. In fact I think I can safely say that you could have rounded them up and got them on a single decker bus. They do have a tendency to exaggerate.”