The Sicilian gangster had been hiding in the Vatican's dry cleaners for over 40 years, washing the smalls of successive Pontiffs and attending to all their cover-up needs.

When the Rome carrabineri arrived at 6am one morning, he was asleep in the crypt below the Pontifical plumbing system, fingers crossed in the customary Cosa Nostra symbol of religious faith, a swastika above his bed and an AK-47 under his pillow.

At first they presumed it was yet another 'Uncle Fester' lookalike from the Addams Family. But closer inspection showed that the man in charge of the Vatican's sartorial sanitisation may have had a secret, all-important casting vote in the election of Cardinal Ratzinger last year.

Some ferreting about in Pontifical nether regions revealed that previous Vatican incumbent Pope JP2 has indeed ordained a 'secret cardinal' some six months before his death, and that the indentity of that man could not possibly be Northern Ireland's Reverend Ian Paisley, after all.

Further sleuthing revealed that Provenzano ran secret bank accounts from Rome's Via Dolorosa branch of the Riggs Bank, which had received substantial payments from one S. Hussain Esq, former resident of Baghdad, Iraq under the UN's immensely successful 'Oil for Fraud' humanitarian scheme inaugurated by Global Peace Process luminary President George Bush Senior.

Provenzano was finally arrested after frantic e-mails and phone calls from No 10 Downing Street were tapped by UK spooks who discovered the Prime Minister's wife Cherry Bush QC had provided holistic massage services on the internet to Mr Provenzano, in exchange for a healthy contribtion to her matrimonial mortgage accounts registered at a Riggs Bank branch in the Cayman Islands.

A series of court orders froze the accounts and set a trap to nail the Mafioso gangster and end his 40 year Raine Spencer of terror.

Provenzano is expected to appear in court today along with associates of UK Vulture Secretary Tessa Jowl's husband David 'Dark Satanic' Mills, who was named last month as one of the dodgiest lying, cheating, dissembling old bastard lawyers ever to hit public headlines since former barrister Anthony Charles Lynton Blair QC entered the UK Parilament in 1983.

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