To not send stbxh a birthday card?

We separated last year, getting divorced and not especially amicable. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he was EA.

He's got a "big" birthday coming up. Aibu to not send a card? The kids will send one, but they don't know what to get him as a present either and I'm struggling to help with ideas or really giving a shit in general

My ex was horrible and abusive too. I used to help our sons buy him presents and cards. Both sons are teenagers now so buy their own presents for people. We (dp and myself) have carried on buying separate Christmas cards and gifts and birthday things. In return my partner never got anything and I only got things I was allergic to like nutty chocolates and scented bath things. This year ex didn't even bother with that anymore so we got no gifts and no card. We sent stuff as usual but won't bother next year. I always tried my best to be nice and treat him as a member of the kids family but now they are older I am done. He's a pretty shit dad too and rarely bothers seeing the kids. Basically what I'm trying to say is get a generic boring gift if you must but he probably won't do the same back. Do you want to be the bigger person or are you not fussed?

How old are the children? Could they ask him what he wants? Could they just make him something rather than buy him something? Or get some sort of photo gift with a photo of them on? So it's personal but doesn't involve a lot of money or effort on your part.

I wouldn't send him a card from me but I would help the dc to mark the occasion. My dm never encouraged my relationship with my df post divorce and it was really hard. So help them get him an ok present and a card just from them.

If you take the time to help your children choose an appropriate gift for their dad you are showing them that, even though you and he are no longer together, you are there to help them with the things that are difficult for them. You are showing them that their relationship with their dad is important to you and that doesn't change because you're no longer together. You are also teaching them about giving and the pleasure in giving.

I'm afraid I disagree with the posters who say sod it. As a step parent I have seen the awkwardness (and sadness) of a child who is giving their dad something inappropriate (verging on unkind) and I have seen the excitement of a young child when giving a gift that has been carefully selected (and will be appreciated by the parent).

Here are some options:- The children could choose a photo of them and him (not one where you've been cut out) and get something done with it - a canvas, a mug, a mousemat - let them choose and they can personalise it with happy 40th daddy (or whatever)- tickets for a local family thing that they can do together (theatre, outdoor centre etc.) - again get the children to choose from a list (or between two things they really like doing)- some sort of generic dad merchandise (but not the sexist dad's stinky socks etc stuff)

You might not enjoy doing any of this. You might think that your ex doesn't deserve it (and you might be right) but your children will benefit if you are the better person and if he's a shit they'll know (when they're grown up) that you didn't do anything to actively damage their relationship with their dad.