Tuesday, April 2, 2013

How to write a HORRIBLE personal ad

When someone is shopping, an advertisement is supposed to
represent the merchandize and show it off in its best light, making someone
want to buy it. This is the premise of good marketing: knowing your target audience and hooking them with what they want. It is the same with personal ads: you are showing yourself off to
your best advantage, and making yourself appear as attractive and intelligent as
possible. Because the reader doesn’t know you, hasn’t heard of you, and can’t
talk with you (yet), it is one way for someone to see your ad and be drawn to
you by what you say.

On the other hand, it might be an opportunity for the target audience to
see how horrible someone is by what they say. (Not you, of course.) It only
takes one distasteful comment or one thoughtless remark to make people navigate
away. (And you wouldn’t believe how many post poorly written personal ads.)
But maybe you just aren’t good at writing or making yourself come across as
attractive in writing.

Here are a couple examples from poorly written personal ads
on the Portland Craigslist in January. Listed after each quote is the reason
why a woman might be turned off by the sentence or wording.

“I have lived a life from perfect and have never cheated on
anybody before ending the relationship my word and I am proud of this.” (Odd
commentary, also poor grammar.)

“I am very Family orented and do not want to let my family
down.” (Poor grammar and poor spelling. Not to mention an odd thing to share.)

“Do you enjoy being passionately kissed while being fingered
and having your. . . .” (What kind of woman do you expect to answer this ad?)

“Would you like an oral exam?” (Is sex the only thing you
care about?)

“If you are an honest Person plz have pic with you holding
something with the date on it.” (Obsessive, paranoid, psycho?)

“At the moment I'm around 3 weeks from literally living in
my car on the streets.” (Sad, pathetic and the girls are running away as fast
as possible.)

“NO over weight people.
Thanks.” (Rude. And subjective. What does overweight really mean in our
culture? It will have most women obsessing over their self image—and hating
you—even if they are thin.)

“no pic no responce.” (Demanding. Oh yeah, and can’t spell
or is too lazy to run a spell check.)

“I like My women to be in
shape” (Misogynist who probably also wants his woman barefoot and pregnant.”

“I have a saggy-boob fetish.” (Whoa, not only is that weird
but if you decide I’m attractive to you, I will be afraid to go out in public
until I buy more supportive bras.)

Here are some things sure to turn off most women:

Demanding that a woman must send a photo.

Insisting she send a photo, but not having one posted of
yourself first.

Posting a photo of an anime character, your cat or a sunset.

Coming across as conceited by posting photographs of your
muscles.

Please, no pictures of your penis.

Saying what you don’t want instead of saying what you do
want.

Being negative and talking about the past, like about an ex
and how you have been used.

Writing five sentences or less about yourself.

Writing five pages or more about yourself.

Not using a spell check.

Not consistently capitalizing the beginnings of sentences,
capitalizing random words, or a lack of punctuation.

Being too forward and describing sexual things you want to
do to a woman that she would rather hear after she has gotten to know you—if at
all.

Saying you don’t want fat women to reply to your ad.
(Besides the fact that you are focusing on the negative and not saying what you
do want, it is insulting and not tactfully put. Ladies will be less likely to
respond to the ad even if they feel comfortable with their weight because they
don’t want someone who is a jerk who might make them feel fat.)

Being dishonest about your age such as by saying you are in
your forties but are forty-nine and about to turn fifty.

Behaving as if you are desperate (even if you are), wanting
someone to text you the night you post the ad.

Omitting your age.

Focusing/obsessing for sentences (or paragraphs!) on the annoyances
of spambots and emphasis on real people. One politely worded sentence will do.

For more information on how to successfully hook a girl with
a good personal ad, see next month's article.

About Me

Though Lady Chastity Chatterley's first publication in the realm of
erotica will soon to be out in Hot Dish, she also has written under
other pseudonyms in magazines and anthologies such as: Daily Science
Fiction, Bards and Sages, New Myths, Penumbra, Crossed Genres, Flagship,
Roar, and has won awards from Allasso and Romance Writers of America.
By day, Chastity Chatterley is often busy chasing pirates in her
dirigible and shooting steam powered laser beams, while by night she
teaches and performs belly dance. One might wonder how she has any
leftover time to test the functions of her "Personal Contraption" (or PC
as some call it), surf the "interweb" as she calls it or use her public
log (or plog). Feel free to visit her at Lady Chatterley's Chat Parlor
and peruse her posts on comma sutra, racy thoughts of the day, lists of
worst first dates or other amusing and sinfully sexy anecdotes.