Selena Gomez is Probably Pregnant

Selena Gomez was rushed to the hospital last night after taping The Tonight Show, and I’m no doctor, but her symptoms sound suspiciously like Justin Bieber ejaculated into her birth canal without a condom on during their Hawaiian getaway. TMZ reports:

Sources tell us … Gomez was feeling horrible during and after the show, complaining of nausea and a severe headache.
She was taken to a Los Angeles area hospital and is still there, undergoing tests.
We’re told the exact cause of her illness is not yet known.

In the doctors’ defense, I’m pretty sure they’ve never seen a fetus made entirely of maple syrup and miracles before. “Nurse, get in here. Is that baby holding a sign that reads, ‘This procedure would be free in Canada?’ I forgot my glasses.”