Tag: busy

Let’s face it, we all want an easier life, especially when it comes to the dreaded housework!

With two kids running around constantly, I do resent having to clean for hours, for them only to ruin it with god knows what from god knows where. I’d feel a lot happier if it hadn’t taken me as long, and if I had some awesome cleaning hacks to make life easier!

My Mother-In-Law once told me, a friend of hers used to give herself 10 minutes per hour, to get as much as she could done off her list-that way she wasn’t spending hours doing the same room. This does not work for me!

Do you ever feel like you’re being beaten? Beaten by something that’s basically “all in your head”?!

This week (and month if I’m honest) has been a really hard one with my anxiety and depression.

Nothing major has happened, but little things have cropped up, and, instead of those things going over my head like they should do, they seem to have affected me more than ever.

I’m suddenly at a stage where I just want rid of it all-the anxiety attacks have changed their symptoms, and I’ve been toying with starting medication-something I never wanted to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve changed a lot this last couple of months . I aimed to make 2017 a positive one, attempting to focus on the good things that happen rather than the bad.

I’m doing well, I’m in a much better place than I was this time last year.

I’m more confident, which is a massive thing for me. I’ll never think I’m anything special (mainly because I’m not), but, I know I’m good at something for once, and compliments I continue to be given remind me of that.

I’m busy! This may seem like a negative to some, but due to my social anxiety, and lack of confidence, making plans and socialising eluded me for a while.
Blogging has taken me places I never thought I’d go, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have these opportunities-they’re one of the main things that keep me going.

For all the positives I find, the negatives start creeping back in, especially when my mental health is as bad as it has been.
Recent events have shown me how alone I am, and I never thought I’d feel alone!

Of course I have the children-and as I always mention in these sort of blogs, they’re what get me out of bed in the morning.

And I have my husband. But recently, him working random hours, with seemingly little down time, alongside me going straight out to events some evenings, has left me feeling a little “single”.

I don’t have a Mum, someone I can go and see for advice or a shoulder to cry on (she’s not dead, see HERE for why I don’t have a ‘Mum’).

My Dad lives 20-30 minutes away (dependent on what transport I use), and, although I know he’s on the end of the phone or at the end of that journey to see him, he has his own life too, and I don’t always feel like I can burden him with my stuff.

I don’t have many friends. This has never been much of an issue for me-I prefer a smaller group (less people to get my hopes up they’re going to stick around). But the ones I do/did have are even starting to dwindle now.

I’m a great believer in “those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind”. If people don’t want to be in my life anymore that’s fine, but I now can’t help feeling like I’ve gone through life wasting my time on people that aren’t going to last.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like I have anyone. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world, and it’s the one thing I currently keep going back to.

I’m just lost sometimes on how to fight these invisible illnesses, and how to shake the feelings that engulf my every day moments.

My darling boy,
Yesterday mummy went to your last ever parents evening in year one.
Before I left you said to me, “it’ll be a good one mummy, I’m always good!”

Now I know you’re a good boy, I know you’ve never been in trouble, and are consistent at working hard and achieving high. But I’m not delusional sweetheart.

Grown ups will teach you from a young age, not to believe all you are told, and to take things small humans such as yourself say, with a very large pinch of salt.

When your teacher sat me down, my tummy gave that familiar lurch of anxiety-what if this time something was different and we had a brand new obstacle to overcome.

My anxiety was for nothing.

You didn’t disappoint and were true to your word.
Your results for the end of term tests and subjects, not only blew me away but your teacher too. She told me how much she will miss you when you leave her class in two weeks. She told me how proud I should be of you.

God I am proud of you!

I want to tell the world how proud I am of you, but proud as a standalone word isn’t enough.

I am thankful. Thankful to have you as my son, for the joy you bring me and the consistent happiness you fill our lives with.

I am amazed. Amazed how my little baby boy, has grown into such an amazing big boy, who is so clever, thoughtful and funny.

I am grateful. Grateful for the gift of you from whichever divine being sent you to me.

I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the sheer love I have for you, for the amount you achieve and still have to achieve. For all I have taught you and have to teach you in the future.

The end of November and the beginning of December for me is always filled with what I like to call, “The 4 Nesses“.

MadNESS, IllNESS, BusyNESS and TiredNESS.

Our house is a hub for these things, seemingly magnified over the festive period.

My son’s column of the family planner calendar I own, is full to the brim, with Christmas parties, panto visits, his own school Christmas play, and when he breaks up from school. Each year his social calendar continues to exceed the previous years madness and I constantly question how my 5 year old can have more going on than I have!

Then there’s the husbands column, full of the usual work shift times, but in addition during this month, there are now dates for when he finishes work, when his Christmas meals are (yes more than one), and little messages sharing his excitement for finishing for Christmas.

My littlest bubs is thankfully at the age where her social calendar isn’t as hectic as her brothers, and is mainly filled with things we’re both doing, or who’s having her when I have to be somewhere with the biggest bubs.

And as for me? I’ve run out of space. They don’t make the blocks for mummy’s side on the planner big enough. I have lists about the calendar, lists about which Christmas cards need writing and for who, lists about which presents are where (which haven’t helped me not lose any!) I have lists about lists and a head full of images of the lists I’ve made. It’s never ending!

Add all this with constantly having to think of ideas to use for our house elf every evening, remembering to keep the kids presents covered and to keep the kids away from the bedroom without arousing suspicion, the usual housework, school runs, potty training (yep we’re still at that-she weed on the sofa today-don’t go there) and general winter illnesses doing the rounds hindering my progress, this month is completely overwhelming!

Next week though, I will be the one, although still overwhelmed and stressed out to the max, getting excited with my family for the events we have planned over the Christmas week.

I LOVED Christmas as a child, and now I have children, the magic continues with them, and in me too!