Often, the boy makes comments about being roommates with Garnier later on in life, after the lease on the current place is up. Once they’ve both been fed up with Big Red (the 3rd roommate) and decide they’re going elsewhere. Garnier is considered a “rich kid” by every means of the word. He’s so used to living well, spending money like crazy, that he often forgets that he no longer lives at home, and his mom is NOT there to pick up after him. At some point, in casual conversation with the boy, he mentioned how Garnier’s parents were actually thinking of purchasing a house for him. Who does that?? Whatever.

So I guess when the topic of this parent-purchased home came up between Garnier and the boy, the boy said, hey, if you want a roommate to help with expenses or anything, you can always hit me up. My heart sank a little bit, because I was hoping that things between us, later on down the road of course, would mean that WE could be living together… without other people.

*Insert Sad Panda*

But I know even thinking about it could mean potential disaster. I don’t want to push us any further into serious than we’re both ready for. I think about it, however, because we both are getting older, and we’ve both made our mistakes… and I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m wondering if I ever want to have kids.

Last night, via text message, we had an interested conversation regarding this very subject. He’s been actively looking into which colleges to consider for a Master’s program. I did some work, but knew that it wasn’t something I needed to stress myself about right now.

Although I did make up my mind. The second I’ve graduated, the search for a new job will ensue. And the packing will also begin. And I’m moving. I’m not going to stay in his hellhole anymore. I’m not going to commute to this horrid job anymore. I’m going to get the hell away from all of the things that make me miserable in life.

So he started looking into Chico State. He started looking into housing costs in the Chico area. He said I’d need a roommate, but that the cost was significantly less than in the Humbolt area. I told him I hate roommates, and there was probably one person I’d consider living with. He said, “I thought about that too. We’ll need to sit down and talk about that at some point.”

I guess I couldn’t imagine that he would think about those things. Why? I don’t know. I just think I’m one of those irrational girls who think that each guy she falls in love with will be her “knight” and everything will go perfectly. I know better, which is why I haven’t made any rash decisions regarding our current living situation. I did tell him that I didn’t want to be so far from him all the time. He seemed to agree with me.

We’re also working on figuring out our “anniversary” date. We don’t really have one right now. It’s all so very weird to me, to not have A date to use or reference. So, this weekend we might figure that out. Ahh… to be in love again… in a sappy cheesy weird sorta way, it really is the best thing ever.

Over the years, I know that I have become bitter and cynical. I don’t care so much about the plight of man, because all I can seem to focus on is the fact that 95% of the people I encounter are blatently stupid, or otherwise ignorant to their stupidity (only making it worse) making me want to gouge my own eyes out and shove sharp objects in my ears to relieve myself of the hassle of listening to seeing these stupid people in action. The other 5% is spread out amongst those I actually give a shit about (~1%) and those who make me want to go postal on the world (the remaining 4%). I am generally tired, and pissed off all the time. Or at least bitching about those things that piss me off, almost all of the time.

I’m not always a very fun or happy person to be around. Which means I’m not always a fun or happy person to be in a relationship with either. The failure of my past relationships have not always been the fault of the guy… sometimes (and I mean rarely) it was my own fault (kidding about the rarely part).

I remember my early relationships, and I remember being so very carefree and light-hearted. I remember feeling as though the world were at my fingertips, at my disposal, and that there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. I also remember the devastation that the end of those early relationships caused, and somehow realizing that the world didn’t end when the relationship ended… and my life didn’t end now that some boy was out of it.

As the years went, and relationships came and went, I started to become less enthusiastic… and less devastated. Some relationships were a chore. Others were merely adventures. There were those rare ones that I hoped would turn into the eventual “white fence with 2.5 kids” situation. None of them ever did. One thing was consistent… they never lasted.

The longest relationship I had ever had was the one prior to the boy, or… the ex. It was an off-and-on thing, sure, but even if you put all of the “on” parts together, it was still the longest I had ever been with someone. The desire to have something work, especially when regarding a relationship, seems to get stronger as you get older. At least it has been that way for me. I don’t want to mess around with little boys who just want to get laid. I had my fair share of fun at one point or another, and I’m done. I’m not going to waste my life with that sort of thing.

I also realized a few things over the course of the last few years. You can’t make a person change, even if it’s for the betterment of them, and everyone else. You can’t forcibly bottle everything inside and think the explosion after the fact is okay. I want to have kids, and being with someone who doesn’t want more can very much be a waste of time and effort, as you will never see eye to eye on the topic. Wanting to get married is also something similar… I’m not going to waste my time or life with someone who doesn’t want to get married to me… ever. I also have learned, that I am a jaded and bitter old woman. While I’m attracted to the cute boy, I don’t want to keep the cute boy (who’s too stupid to create a full sentence without some coaxing) around for long… if ever, for that matter.

Despite the way things have been for me in the relationship department, I’ve been… happy with this one. The distance has probably helped to ensure that we’ll make it to the next weekend. We’re definitely given the opportunity to miss the other for the majority of the week. Absense can make the heart grow fonder, but in the case of me and the boy, the extreme absense also make us cranky, pissy, and slightly paranoid. He sometimes imagines that I’m in a “bad mood” even when I’m not. I sometimes imagine that he’s found other more important things, when that’s not necessarily the case.

Through all of it we seem to have a good thing going. He can be very patient with me, and just pointing out that I’m being slightly irrational can quickly bring me back down to earth and out of my “I hate the world and I want everyone to die” moods.

I didn’t think I could ever miss someone so completely that I feel empty when he’s not around. The sadness of having to sleep alone is almost unbearable. Whenever I get home, I hope that he’ll be there, so we can go find some other small adventure, motorcycle ride, drive anywhere… it doesn’t matter. I didn’t think I’d ever miss someone the way I miss him when he has to leave and go home… but I feel like I’m in high school, all over again.

My father has a way with words. I love the man, more than I could ever possibly love another human being. He’s done more for me and bailed me out of more stupid situations than I could ever possibly begin to count (let alone document). He’s a great guy and really honest with me too. I love him, but sometimes I think he misses the mark.

While I appreciate his advice regarding the boy, I have a feeling that he doesn’t know completely what’s going on. He listened to me bitch a little bit because I was upset, and all of a sudden I’m dating this co-dependent bastard who just wants someone to be his mom. I mean, I get it. I get what he’s saying. I’ve attached myself to a guy who seems to be too emotionally attached. But really, I can’t fault the guy when I’m the same way?

I’m a little taken aback by his future plans that include me. But none of it is so horrible that we can’t figure out a compromise… somewhere. And I know that I care deeply for the boy because I do flip out when I don’t get to see him more. I hate the fact that I only get to see him once a week, and if I’m lucky he’ll stay the night (or I’ll get to stay the night with him). Most of the time, we get to chat online or talk on the phone. It’s not super long distance, but it’s long distance enough to still suck.

I have my moments of weakness. When I think to myself that this was all just a bad idea. That getting into a relationship was a bad idea. That getting involved with him again was a bad idea. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my desire to see that things could be better… that things could be good. They can be. There’s a very large potential for it to be something really great. And I’ll admit something else too. I’m not opening up to him nearly as much as I would like. Is it bitterness from relationships past? Is it reluctance because of how things went the last time we tried to date? I’m not completely sure. All I know is that I’m going for it now.

And the conversation we had last night about what happened was a good one.

He has no idea how much it took for me to ask him to stay. He has no idea how hard it was for me to ask him not to go. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much it took for me to ask that of him and when he turned and left anyway… he’ll never know that I won’t ever ask him to stay again. Not under circumstances that are even remotely similar. It won’t matter, it seems. It can’t be worked through. It can’t be fixed. He’s still going to turn and leave.

So I just won’t ask him to stay.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And when I heard a motorcycle in the silence of the night, but loud enough for me to hear, I hoped it was him coming back. It wasn’t, and a little part of me is disappointed by my hope of romanticism that isn’t there… and might never be.

It’s strange to me, at times, to think that this boy is the same boy who wrote such things to me. He doesn’t seem to remember those days, as though they were just a figment of his imagination, and they’ve gone away. Or he woke from a dream, and as time passed, he simply forgot the details. Only they weren’t just details. I will always remember them. And a small part of me will always wonder, and often fear, to see or hear those words again.

I wish that I didn’t care for him so much. He’s no longer this boy who seemed so unattainable, not like he once was. He’s very real to me now. I see this different side of him that he wouldn’t let me see before. I’m not sure why, but he’s this real and tangible person whom I adore. I know that we can’t choose whom our hearts have decided to love… and I realize now, after the conversations I’ve had with the ex, as well as with the boy, that this is entirely true. The details don’t matter with either case, but the fact remains… it’s oh so true.

We had the most amazing weekend. Really, we did. But this one was different from last weekend. We talk, daily. As most people who are dating or boyfriend/girlfriend do. We just don’t get to see each other very often. It isn’t feasible for either of us to drive the nearly 50 miles for just a few hours. As much as I would love to, I simply can’t afford the gas. He rode his motorcycle to pick me up, I packed a few things, and went back to his place with him. We watched some UFC fights at the bar and I had fun. It was more fun that I would have thought. 5 of us also had shots, in two different time zones, in two states. And as stupid and cheesy as that sounds, it was the coolest thing ever. Ha! It’s a story I’ll tell people years from now, while sitting at a bar, laughing about those funny things we’ve done in life.

After UFC, I learned something about the boy that I didn’t really expect to find out. It’s something that I believed only the ex ever did. It was something I believed I would never find in another person, ever again. While it’s deeply personal, and even a little bit strange, I’m half tempted to share it anyway, despite the fact that most would be grossed out by it. It doesn’t matter, not really. The details don’t matter. What matters is that it didn’t bother him.

For the first time in my life, someone looked at me, mostly naked, and told me that most guys only get to think about having sex with the beautiful girl… and he was lucky that he got to. There are no words to describe how that makes anyone feel… ever. It can’t ever be recreated, not that moment. It will also be one of those moments I’ll always remember.

The boy is on his way here and should be here shortly. We will be eating a ridiculous amount of food that is horribly bad for you. We each picked out 3 movies to watch, and I think it’s going to be a whole day event. I can’t wait… And at the same time, I’m a little… freaked out.

I knew that all good things must come to an end, but I never expected one so abrupt. I never thought it would be… like this. I’ll get through it, I always do. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting… for now.

It sucks. It sucks when there’s someone you know… that you’ve known for a long time… that you’ve had many a conversation with… and you think to yourself, “Why didn’t I notice him before?”

I did, but there was always this baggage following him around. Baggage with a name. And she was constantly… in essence… stalking him. I wasn’t about to get involved in that drama.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore the boy. I know that there’s a part of me that is completely in love with him. But he’s right. I don’t need to be his rebound. And he doesn’t need to be mine. As he’s so blatantly pointed out, we’re not exclusive. I guess that leaves the door open to date other people if we so desired. I don’t really want to date anyone else. I’d love to have the boy all to myself and never have to worry ever again.

It just sucks that he lives so far away. That I can’t just want to go play pool with him and have him able to go. It has to be planned. It has to be a “day” out of it. And yet, this friend, this good friend that I’ve known for quite some time, is there. We played pool all night. Minus a few technicalities, he kicked my ASS at pool, and it was okay. Cause he’s awesome company and we get along really well.

Though I’m not even remotely thinking of giving up on the boy just yet. It just sucks that I didn’t notice the friend prior to this. I mean, I know that I’m not necessarily at the best place in life with school and work and all that mumbo jumbo, but at the same time. I want a nice guy. I want a good guy to be there for me through the thick and the thin. I want someone who claims me as theirs while I can do the same. How long is that going to be before the boy thinks we’ve reached the point where we can be an “exclusive couple?”

How long…

I guess I’m going to stick it out and see. The things he’s gone through in the time we’ve been dating has been… insane. I couldn’t make this shit up. I couldn’t even try. And yet, here we are… both of us battling through it in our own ways. Him, obviously, being the most affected. Not to say that it doesn’t affect me too. It does. I had accepted that there would be these responsibilities in his life. That there would be a point, and that point was coming nearer, where I would never be first in his life. I would be second, at best, forever. Maybe one day I’ll write about it. Work through my feelings about the whole situations. Right now, I know, that there’s NO reason for me to be put last on the list again.

He was relinquished of his duties. He no longer has to worry.

Now it’s just a matter of seeing what happens from here. Will I continue to be put last on the list of priorities? Or will he put me first… every now and again… like I’ve often done for him.

He’s not in my life to fill a gap, or a hole, or to fix me… but I know that my feelings for him are not waning. Even though I’m starting to wonder why I never noticed the friend as anything more than that… before.

And it wasn’t a good one. I think I might have flipped out on him. I might have forgotten something I told him. Specifically that I asked him to be something stable in his life while everything else was so unstable. I offered to be there for him, in a “above and beyond” sort of way.

I said it because I meant it.

Today, I forgot I meant it. Today, I cared only about me.

I’m not sure if I ruined everything. I’m going to back off and let him deal with his stuff. I almost wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I spent most of my day on the phone with The BFF hoping that she might be able to help me sort it out. In playing the devil’s advocate, and after speaking to a male friend, I started to realize a few things.

I don’t want him out of my life. I jumped the gun when I flipped the hell out. I should really take some time to think about things before I say something. Especially since his first text message to me this afternoon, he called me “sweet pea.” Damn.