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Mawwage, Mawwage is what brings us together, today

Its springtime folks. Cherry blossoms will soon be bursting forth from the branches. Sunlight will creep on to the window frame earlier, and stay there later. Birds will sing…and bells will ring?

“Well, aren’t you thinking about getting married?” a friend said to me while sitting at Tryst for a quick tea break before work.

“NO!” I cried, aghast. More than a few heads turned. But I paid them no heed. I needed to nip this unpleasant conversation in the bud. “Why would I want to get married NOW?”

~~~~

Lately, it seems as if marriage is on the minds of a lot of people. My cousin just recently got married; a beautiful arrangement of elaborate table settings, expensive dining, open bar, family and raining dollar bills (it was a Greek wedding). Although just a silly superstition, I both pitied and was amused by the ladies’ attempt to catch the bouquet. But I was especially terrified that I would. As they smeared cake onto each other’s faces, everyone laughed and sighed over the happy couple. Happily ever after…let me give another example.

A sister of a co-worker of mine will be getting married in late summer. At present she is doing what any bride (especially on a reality TV show) would, ensuring that all details are perfect, that all her desires are fulfilled and that they are fulfilled IMMEDIATELY. In contrast, another coworker of mine is getting married in a month and a half. She and her girlfriend are very relaxed about it. They are having a very small wedding with family and then a party at their house. Only the most time-pressed details are arranged, everything else will fall into place whenever it does. Both cases will probably also result in their happy endings.

But, for me, I get caught up on that word, not “happy”, no that other word, “endings”. My fellow blog readers, we have come to the heart of the issue. Marriage is the end of all things feminist and progressive. Perhaps, I exaggerate. A little. However, as you will certainly read further, you will see that I am most serious in all regards to this…sacred ceremony.

What I find most disturbing about the concept is not the matrimony itself, but what it is that happens after the church or court doors have closed. That the woman will put aside all for her husband, be the perfect housewife and move on to the next stage of marriage, aka children. Let me delve into this a bit further.

I can only speak to my experiences: I am an early-twenties, straight, biracial woman who has been raised in America. My personal experiences only include the brainwashing from various cartoons, books, TV advertisements and new articles. My conclusions from these media are that a woman who is married must be subjugated to the yee-old beliefs that a woman becomes the property of her husband after entering marriage; she must abide him and put him first in everything. (And men call women a ball and chain!)

Even as I write this (as if by fate!), a confused late Valentine’s Day Pandora commercial asserts: “what is better than chocolate on Valentine’s Day? Well, an engagement ring of course! Verragio rings: the ‘ultimate expression of love.’” No! False. Lies…I mean mistake. Mistake! (A quick tangent: this advertisement also points out how marriage in many ways has become an industry meant to give false meaning to the concept of union and replace it with a subliminal capitalist message that you need to have an abundance of exotic flowers, outrageous catering, the perfect $10,000+ dress, because it is your day. Unfortunately, women are the target of this invasive bullshit that forces girls at a young age to start planning, and saving, not for a college education, but for the wedding expenses. Isn’t marriage about the official union, in front of witnesses, of the love one person has for another? Why does it matter what that person is wearing? Go naked!)

What it comes down to is, I have always felt divided, even as a little girl, about the choice: marriage or a career. Not both, only one. How many times have you heard the message that a woman cannot work a full career and risk leaving a family in neglect, or, about the woman who has given up her dreams in order to pick up and drop off her kids at school? Let me point out, I have the utmost respect for the women who pull the double duty, the women who (and this is especially true now in this economy) have to work and also make it home in time to cook dinner. (Thanks Mom). I also have immense respect for the women who want to be at home with their kids. Or the single moms who don’t have anyone to lean on, or have to take care of other family members in addition. I respect and have a deep admiration for those women. But I also hold to the same respect the women who put their career first, decide they do not want to have children and fight their way to equal pay, high positions and who make a difference because they choose to advance their passion.

When this topic arises with friends, I joke that the man I marry had better be used to hard work, because chores will be divided 50-50, I intend to have my career and continue it whether we have children (even if he happens to be extremely wealthy), I intend to keep my last name, I will pay for half the dates out…the list goes on. And, while I love children (check my resume, I have practically worked with pre-school/kindergarten age children through college, babysat most of my pre-college life and my mom has a preschool on the first floor of my home in NYC), the idea of having a child is synonymous with slow torture. Or worse, the end of my freedom as a person until they are old enough to kick out of the house. At least 20 years later.

I believe that my views stem from my family. My family is a matriarchy. Seriously, my mom and five aunts rule their households with diligence, intelligence and not a little bit of force. Their husbands know that they should do what they are told or face the consequences. My grandmother was also a force to be reckoned with, and she had to be, raising 7 children. All of these phenomenal women urged me to do well in school, pick a career I was passionate about, and pursue it. They said that my future was in my hands and only I could make it come true. Boys, they said, were like buses. Miss one, catch the next. In that environment, it was hard not to become a feminist. And also not to feel that a woman’s career is just as, if not more important, than an official union with a man.

To me, the reasons why a woman should get married were the following:

– She has reached an acceptable point in her career where she feels as if she can give adequate attention to a significant other enough to get married

– She has decided to take pity on a persistent suitor whom she admires, but never had the urgency which he displayed to get married

– Her partner was in need of the income provided by her amazing career

– She wanted to support her partner who had in their care a child and provide the support she had at her disposal

– To carry on the family sensibility and intelligence

– Oh, yeah, I suppose I should add, because of love

Recently, I have been obsessed with the show, Downton Abbey. It’s great, filled with drama in an early 20th century noble family in England. A major crisis in the show (and don’t worry, I am not spoiling anything), is the need to marry off the oldest daughter, Mary. As the daughter of a prominent family, she is obliged to marry well. In another British show Pramface, a guy pursues a girl he got knocked up at a party in order to marry her, and “do the right thing”. And there are at least a hundred more circumstances (rape, arranged marriages, safety, income) into which women are forced to marry because they do not have the support, the means, the rights to have another option, or worse, feel as if they are not a woman unless they are married. #atleasttwootherblogpostscometomind

In these situations, instead of throwing rice, I have a mind to throw lock picks and chainsaws, something useful, to the many brides who feel that they have to marry before they get too old, or ugly, don’t have anyone else to ask them, or have to conceive an heir. Really, I want to break the conception that many women still hold that their life has no value unless their hand is attached to a ring. Unless they have someone to care for, in sickness and in health…let’s take a closer look:

Christian Vows:

Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to be my lawful wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to be my lawful wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

With words like these, no wonder more and more people are deciding to forgo the ceremony and just live together “sinfully un-married”. I mean, OBEY. Women are not slaves! Women are powerful, smart and progressive; they can choose a career and not be deemed inhuman. Women do not have to fall in love in order to feel like their life has meaning. The concept of a union, outside of marriage, is just as strong as what the ceremony is supposed to bestow. Will love last longer because of a few words? Isn’t it about the relationship itself? And must the relationship last forever, or are a few wonderful years with one (or more) people just as fulfilling?

Believe it or not my friends, I do intend to get married in the future. Or at least, I deign to enter into a relationship with someone for longer than a year, and perhaps build a family with the person. However, until that day a long, long time in the future, I will further my career, travel and become successful. Additionally, my career won’t stop when I do decide to “settle down” (what a terrible term), and as a woman, I will push for the rights that will make that choice, to have both, easier.

What’s next? Here are some ways to assert how you are against the institution of marriage and enter into discussions about that very topic.

– When next you here a female friend or family member declaring that they must marry soon because of X reason, unless it is something they really, (really) want, engage them in a conversation that brings them up to speed about the importance of a strong relationship and the preposterous-ness of a marriage.

– If you are a lady, do not try to catch the bouquet at the wedding

– Encourage people whom you know to live together first, before tying the knot

– Any other suggestions? Or, remember, your wedding might end up like this!!!!

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9 thoughts on “Mawwage, Mawwage is what brings us together, today”

My view on the matter is that the government has no business sanctioning certain relationships over others, and that marriage is so infected by patriarchy that we need to discard it altogether.

Why shouldn’t two sisters who live together long-term have the same tax benefits, etc., that married couples have? Anyone who can prove they’re committed to each other, whatever their relationship is, should get these government benefits. If these committed couples/groups want to have private ceremonies to witness and sanctify that bond, then that’s their affair. But in a world in which all committed relationships are equal in the eyes of the government, I don’t think that the marriage ceremony as we know it would exist anymore. We would move on to something broader, freer, that encompasses all the myriad ways in which human beings love one another.

“the woman will put aside all for her husband, be the perfect housewife and move on to the next stage of marriage, aka children”

Is it not possible for think for men to make such sacrifices too? True feminism expects that. Just because it has been a cultural norm in the past doesn’t mean you have to adopt it. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Let’s just raise our standards. Give men a chance to rise to the occaision. Also, the way you use the the word “perfect” seems belittling. Being pro-women means validating women’s choices. Some women choose homemaking and motherhood, which are challenging jobs, and they have the right to be respected for their choice.

It doesn’t have to be “marriage or a career”? Women need to stop accepting that lie. We don’t have to choose. We can have blissful, committed partnerships, and pursue our dreams! Let’s not settle for less.

As a progressive Christian, I and my community see marriage as an equal partnership. Those are super old marriage vows.

You’re cherry-picking your sources to fit your point of view, as far as cohabitation before marriage goes. There’s a great deal of controversy in the scientific literature on this point, and I can cite studies that show different findings about cohabitation before marriage, namely that cohabitation before marriage is only associated with poorer marriage quality if the couple has a child before the wedding (Tach and Halpern-Meekin 2009) or if the premarital cohabitation is with someone other than one’s future spouse (Teachman 2003).

Not to mention that the studies cited in that article you linked are all from one team of researchers at the University of Denver. I did some poking around online, and all of those researchers are associated with the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, whose programs include teaching youth about the benefits of marriage and looks by all accounts 100% heteronormative. By the same token, all of the research on cohabitation before marriage was for heterosexual couples.

There might be some evidence that cohabitation before marriage increases risk of divorce, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it. When you cite scientific evidence, please take note of the people who disagree with your point of view.

Interestingly, the Teachman study you mention ought to reinforce skepticism regarding cohabitation as a dating strategy. From the abstract:

“I find that premarital sex or premarital cohabitation that is limited to a woman’s husband is not associated with an elevated risk of marital disruption. However, women who have more than one intimate premarital relationship have an increased risk of marital dissolution.”

But his is not the final word. The top article on Scholar about cohabitation and divorce (Axim & Thornton, 1992) says cohabitation doesn’t cause higher divorce rates. Rather, those who are more likely to divorce cohabit. Later research (Kulu & Boyle, 2010 [pdf]) (Woods & Emory, 2008) concurs with this hypothesis. In short, these studies say that homosexual and heterosexual couples alike can’t change their likelihood of divorce by living together because cohabitation is an indicator of likelihood of divorce, not a cause.

Anna’s right that divorce and cohabitation are correlated, just not causal. You’ll need to dive a bit deeper into the research than abstracts to figure out those habits or beliefs that cause both a propensity for cohabitation and a propensity towards divorce. If you want to limit your risk of divorce, figure those out and then don’t do them.

I want to say that I really do value the women who do want to devote their time to their kids and and being a housewife. I don’t think I emphasized it enough in the actual post but I think that is an extremely important passion that any woman should want to pursue.

And I would love to have a corresponding post about the man’s opinion of marriage and how they view marriage.

I have a huge problem with this post in general. I think you can be a feminist and still get married. In this case it’s a question of defining marriage in a way that makes sense to you, not taking the status quo as a given. Instead of telling us why not to get married, it would have been more interesting to find out how we can take this very important political institution and modernize it to our times. As an institution, marriage has very real implications and benefits (tax breaks, health insurance coverage, visitation rights, etc.), and every proponent of gay marriage (including myself) can spout some or all of these benefits.

Sure, my husband and I were in love. That’s why he proposed. But that’s not why we got married. We got married first and foremost for the political/societal benefits, health insurance being first and foremost. I had it, he didn’t. I kept my last name when I got married, I know men who have taken their wife’s last name for one reason or another, I share the chores equally with my husband or so help him, and I have no intention of setting aside my career now that I’m married. We have talked about him staying home with the kids once we decide we are ready for them (or rather once I decide I am ready for them), although currently we’re having heated discussions about who “gets” to stay home with the kids, and have come to the compromise that we may alternate. We’ve pooled our finances, mainly so there is no discussion about who is bringing home more money (I’m a very competitive person), but have separate and equal pots of spending money that we have sole control over. We’ve made marriage work for us, and I still consider myself a feminist even though I had no problem getting married. And I assure you, our vows (both at the courthouse and later at our larger ceremony with friends and family) did not include anything about obeying each other.

The political/social benefits is an area I did not get to discuss in this post. There are so many threads to spring off of of just this one word: marriage. I would encourage you to re-read the article and during the particularly adamant places (ie. Marriage is the end of all things feminist and progressive) to put a bit of a sarcastic spin on it. Important issues such as marriage sometimes need a bit of humor to flesh out what one cannot say straight-faced.

The point of this post was to get people talking about what marriage evokes for them. I can only speak to my experiences. I am not married and I want to push the boundaries of conservative notions and hear what others have to say about it. I also want to hear how they define marriage and how it has defined them. For a long time, the conservative view of marriage was a barrier to women and their self-growth/career growth. Now, that is not necessarily true, but the different cultural, age, racial and ethnic views on marriage are different and will affect how people view them, how they act on those views and how they pass those views onto others.

I feel like this particular post needs to be read out loud by the author so I can get at the intended tone. It was uncomfortable for me, because the way I perceived the tone was very belittling – as if I couldn’t possibly have made the right choice. I am married and I am a feminist. I got married because the idea of celebrating my relationship in front of my family and friends seemed wonderful, and because it would mean we would have mutual hospital visitation rights with little paperwork and no lawyers (the lack of other cohabitation arrangements ability to naturally provide this without lawyers is frightening to me).

I have no need to rally against the institution of marriage, because each and every marriage is built by the two people in it. My husband certainly knows better than to expect me to give up my PhD pursuit in the name of marriage by now…especially considering that my intelligence/grit/determination/passion for science were all things that attracted him to me in the first place. Our vows didn’t involve any words of subservience, but instead of sharing dinner plates at restaurants so both of us would get to try more food, him trying desperately not to lose things and being grateful when I found them, and…one more thing that I’ve already forgotten again, which I forgot while I saw saying them too. Our marriage is built on the same foundations of our relationship: being dorks, together, and mutually respecting each other’s pursuits and dorkitudes.

So…I guess I’d appreciate it if next time, you helped us out a little bit. Give us a clue about the tone a piece like this is written in. It feels scathing, and I feel a little sad that your perception of marriage is so very different from my reality.

You know, you can actually complain about things that are legitimately troublesome without crapping all over marriage as an idea and insulting the intelligence and feminist cred of all women who did decide to get married and aren’t “against marriage as an institution.”

Personally, I did not “deign” to enter a relationship with my husband. I love him and I wanted to be with him. I’m assuming you are aware that phrasing is derogatory??

I didn’t wear an engagement ring and I rarely wear a wedding ring. He needed health insurance and we planned to be together and my parents offered to pay for the party. 20 min ceremony followed by dinner with our friends and family with no giving away the bride and no “obey” bullshit. You can use whatever vows you want. The only reason I let my dad walk me down the aisle is that I was wearing really really high heels and the aisle was grass. (and he didn’t even know he was going to get to until the morning of.)

He does 80% of the housework and 90% of the cooking, because he works part time and I work full time.

Being aware of historical context and not being trapped and having the ability to make your own choices? good things. Sneering at other people’s choices? In my opinion, kind of a bad thing.