Supposedly the most depressing day of the year is just a few weeks away, and that sucks. But if you off yourself, you can’t drink, so it’s a conundrum. What you can do is use the website suicidemachine.org to remove yourself from unnecessary social media sites that either you’ve stopped using or don’t really enjoy anymore. [More]

Look, Comcast, when you take back someone’s equipment and give them a receipt confirming that their account has no balance, it’s not unreasonable for them to think that their account is canceled. Don’t keep billing them for service and equipment rentals, and don’t tell them that you “can keep [the account] active and [bill] indefinitely until [you] decide to disconnect it.” Because if you do, they’re going to call their state Attorney General’s office. At least that’s how Paul convinced Comcast to finally cancel his account.

If you cancel your Vonage service before the end of the first year, you’re going to need to pay $70 for Vonage’s proprietary router on top of a $29.95 cancellation fee. Don’t even try to return the soon-to-be useless router because that’s simply not an option.

Be wary of Arcot, a credit card security company that’s devoid of customer service.

Nels had to sign up for Arcot’s SecureCode to complete an online purchase. Now he wants to cancel it, but can’t find anyone at Arcot who can help him. The web pages he’s sent to are dead ends, and he left messages with Arcot’s executives that were never returned.

Retentions representatives are the cellphone company’s last line of defense between you and freedom. One brave retentions representative has come forward to teach us how to craft a direct, earnest request that will lead retention reps to do your bidding. Rivaled in effectiveness only by executive customer support, retentions reps are empowered to strike down nuisance fees and bargain liberally, all to keep you as a customer. If you were ever tempted to threaten your cellphone company with cancellation, this one is a must read.

What part of “CANCEL THE MONTHLY LEASED LICENSE NOW” did customer service solutions provider Kayako misunderstand? Reader Chance’s request wasn’t unexpected. He tried to cancel his account three times and switched service providers before Kayako decided to renew his lease and issue a new bill. The full debacle, inside.

A DirecTV CSR claimed that reader Mark changed his installation by following troubleshooting instructions to unplug and reconnect his box, and now owed $79.95. Mark, who paid $6 per month for DirecTV’s protection plan, refused to pay the fee and asked to cancel to his service.

Charter accused Kevin of failing to pay for unreturned equipment, even though Kevin paid his final bill in full and has a receipt for a returned cable box. Charter customer service representatives were happy to play whack-a-mole whenever the bogus charges for the equipment appeared on Kevin’s bill, but Charter eventually tired of the infuriatingly unwinnable game and sent Kevin’s account to collections.

T-Mobile sent reader Ivan’s account to collections after he twice cancelled his service. He first cancelled in August, but T-Mobile mysteriously lost the cancellation letter. Ivan faxed over a second cancellation letter while a CSR waited on the phone to confirm receipt. Having switched to Verizon, Ivan didn’t care when in September, someone stepped on the T-Mobile phone lying in his car, breaking the screen. T-Mobile is now demanding that Ivan pay a bill that lists only a reinstatement fee. Ivan writes:

A TiVo CSR insisted that Jerry explain why he was canceling his account, so Jerry said he was moving to the moon, an explanation that might earn sympathy from a company whose logo is a martian. The CSR was not amused, and did not cancel Jerry’s account. Instead, taking him for an astronaut, the CSR gave him free service for three months, which Jerry discovered only when he presciently called the next day to verify that his account had been canceled. Jerry writes: