Sadomasochism

The Key To Kink

BDSM Backfire

Hi Doc,

I’m very annoyed at Hollywood and the movies. I thought it would be a good idea to copy a scene and pour candle wax on my girlfriend and everything backfired. I totally burned her chest and she screamed in pain. Her skin bubbled a little bit and it’s discoloured now. I feel terrible and regret it so much. What went wrong? Will it heal? The movie made it look so sexy and passionate.

That’s awful to read. Sorry about this and I hope your partner is improving. Some medical attention, Neosporin and a lot of TLC will hopefully do the trick. As with any and all BDSM, don’t try this stuff unless you have the education and knowledge. There’s no substitute for reading, taking workshops, having mentors, or watching instructional videos. Hollywood is an awful teacher for kink. Porn is an awful teacher for having sex. Had to throw that in there. Love you porn, but for fantasy — not reality-based — instruction. Back to wax and candles. Candle wax play can be a hot, romantic addition to any bedroom. It can create erotic pain and pleasure for people. Something many don’t know is it’s important to use candles specifically made for candle play, which can be found at most sex toy stores. They will say very clearly that they are made for erotic play or the labels will say they have low melting temperatures. Beeswax, most coloured candles and utility candles are terrible choices to pour on partners as these have high melting temperatures which could burn. Those who use high melting temp candles are skilled and understand that pouring from distance cools the wax as it is being poured. Regardless, it’s best to stick with low melting temp. Why risk it. It’s smart for us to test out anything beforehand to make sure the temperature is not going to burn. Keep candle play to the nipples, chest, back, and stomach. It’s best to stay away from the genitals, face and pubic hair. Pubes and dried wax is a pain in the butt to remove. Keep the candle play safe and make sure to have the basics down before trying. A good rule of thumb guys: test out the candle on yourself in private. If it burns you, at least no one saw.

BDSM Aftercare

Doc,

What is aftercare in the BDSM world? I am really new and was hearing this in a conversation. Sounded important and people were saying how people don’t do it right.

Aftercare is definitely important. Recently I had a long conversation with a friend who’s a porn star and BDSM expert. We talked about a scene she was involved in where the aftercare wasn’t adequate and she experienced an intense emotional drop days following her play. Aftercare is important for everyone, not only for those new to the scene.Many people experience a wide range of feelings, thoughts and emotions as a result of scenes that test their limits, boundaries, power and control. Kink can be an intense experience that opens doors to our hearts and minds and aftercare is an expected standard of post-kink scenes and experiences. Aftercare can be a gentle and slow exit from the psychological head space of euphoria that BDSM often creates. The intense erotic and psychologic experience can be expressed with tears, laughter, silence, mood shifts, or emotion and can be felt days after play.Aftercare is different for each person and it’s best to discuss what people need beforehand. Generally, aftercare consists of holding your sub, touches, caresses, support, nurturance, communication, and checking in. I’ve seen some incredibly loving and emotional aftercare scenes, sometimes more powerful than the play scene itself. Always remember to discuss aftercare and what each person needs during play negotiations.