Alrighty there, Mr "The Wrecking Ball" -- if that's how you wish to fill out the insurance forms -- your recent overdose on energy supplements has cost you the use of your left testicle. (image via thecobrasnake)

Have you ever listened to Russell Simmons on the cell phone? The Corsair has, unfortunately; it is not an enjoyable experience. He likes to walk around Vesey Street and sometimes Prince Street carrying on loud conversations shouting out boldface names of people and places as if he were suffering from an acute case of "A-List Tourettes". It is all so very ghetto, the way he carries it off while pretending to be oh-so-Yoga-spiritual.

Several years ago, in Tower Books/Videos on Lafayette in New York, Simmons looked through magazines and CD's while, obnoxiously, giving a running commentary to someone obviously important on the other line. The young Corsair was appalled. Simmons was loud, imperious, louche, and he definitely wanted everyone in the store to hear his conversation, which, if memory serves, went something like:

"BlahblahBlahblah ...ChristyTurlington ... blah .. Party... intheHamptons ...Soareyougonnabeat ... theTime Cafe?" Really and truly, it was pathetic. This was around the time of his notoriously stinky Notorious Magazine, which read like a giant ad for Phat Farm, and Simmons made a point of flipping through the pages and saying what was "hott."As he exited the store, he barked into the cell phone, "Okay, I'm leaving now, heading down Lafayette Street to Time ... meet you ..." And then he trailed off as the door closed behind him.

Everyone in that section of the store who had been listening gave each other the universal, unspoken, "The asshole is gone" nod. Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. According to those intrepid Page Sixxies: "RUSSELL Simmons disrupting noshers trying to enjoy their Dreeson's donuts on Newtown Lane in East Hampton with a loud, half-hour cellphone tirade." Charmed, I'm sure.

" ... You have to remember the time period, and in the 70s the only women on television were comediennes doing half-hour or variety shows � Carol Burnett, Mary Tyler Moore, Laverne and Shirley. Angie Dickinson did have a cop show but it was with a male partner. The Bionic Woman and I came along at exactly the same time � and they had to resurrect the former. God, a woman can never carry a show, and there were no women on the sets except for the script supervisor. But things have changed a lot and it was great to be kind of pioneering woman in television and having the people that makes these projects realise that there�s a huge market for female characters and doesn�t have to be about guns and guys.�

"As for the much talked about 'Wonder Woman' feature film being set up, Carter is very clear who should NOT play the character. 'People have talked about Sandra Bullock but she�s too old and so is Catherine Zeta-Jones. You want someone that is really fresh, but more importantly, someone who gets it; someone who doesn�t play Wonder Woman. I never played Wonder Woman, just this woman from the island where all of her sisters could do the same thing that she could do. I think Wonder Woman lives in all of us. There�s that secret person that is not just one of those things but all of them.'�

Some hipster asshole sets fire to the party food and -- surprise -- lands on thecobrasnake.

Out:TheCobrasnake. As you can see by the Pictures, The Corsair is a little obsessed with TheCobrasnake and why these so called "hipsters" are so interested in posing for the cameras yet offer up opprobrium to the whole fashion-modelling industrial complexx. Anyway, this old post from MyBlogispoop is perhaps the best send-up of the whole phenomenon.

(image via Hello)In: JK Rowling. Condoleeza Rice is, according to Forbes, the most powerful woman in the world. Not far behind, though, is JK Rowling. According to Hello!Magazine:

"A celebrity mother-of-three whose talent has earned her a �650-million fortune has been named the UK's most powerful woman.The mind behind Harry Potter, 39-year-old author JK Rowling, has topped the list compiled by Forbes magazine, unseating the woman who held the spot last year, the Prime Minister's wife Cherie Blair.

"JK, who was at number 85 on the overall roster of the world's 100 most powerful women last year, has moved up to 40th place."

"Over the last decade, Schmidt has emerged as one of the nation's leading brokers of celebrity porn, the man who negotiated the sale of Tonya Harding's wedding-night sex video; arranged forPaula Jones, the former Arkansas state employee who sued Bill Clinton for sexual harassment, to pose in the buff in Penthouse magazine; and was the behind-the-scenes wheeler-dealer who obtained topless shots of rescued U.S. Army POW Pfc. Jessica Lynch and nude photos of Amber Frey, the star prosecution witness in the Scott Peterson double murder trial, and then tried to peddle them to Hustler magazine's Larry Flynt.

"When a cache of explicit photographs of Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx turned up in May � a workman claims to have found them in a Dumpster outside Foxx's Las Vegas home � guess who got ahold of them?"

What is is about Los Angeles that makes peopleact so goddamned kooky? First, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, L Ron Hubbard, a man who shouldn't -- in the best of all possible worlds --be able to influence even a subservient Spaniel, is, like, a "God" out on the left coast. Now, Kate Hudson, whose crowning achievement is the exquisite portrayal of a groupie who gets traded for a kegger of Heineken (tm) is inventing her own sacred rituals. What's up with that? According to the 3AM Girls:

"ACTRESS Kate Hudson has revealed that she douses herself with water to protect herself from 'negative' people in Hollywood.

The 26-year-old Skeleton Key star says: 'When I'm around people who have bad energy, I usually carry some water and I just kinda, like, put it on myself.

"'It's not like a holy water, just something to cleanse myself if someone's really negative. And I carry around crystals too. I feel it's important to protect yourself.'"

Thursday, July 28, 2005

What is wrong with Tara Reid?There's nothing wrong with getting drunk once in a while. But if you get so goddamned snookered that you can't even achieve the upright posture (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment), and your ass cheeks leak out from 'neath the requisite denim mini skirt like overbaked Virginia hams (Averted Gaze) ... well, then your name must be: Tara Reid

In:Atoosa Rubenstien?! Like Jane Pratt, Atoosa Rubenstein has a somewhat creepy relationship with her teenage readership. We're just saying ... That "relationship" is not so much parasitic as it is vaguely redolent of remora. But hey, even an Eternal Teenager's gotta eat, right?

Right. Now, Queen Vampire Pratt hands the Jane goblet teeming with pubescent platelets over to apprentice Atoosa -- so goes the rumor. According to the gang at Fashionweekdaily:

"... While you might�ve heard that ELLEgirl�s Brandon Holley is taking the job, well-informed magazine insiders say their money is on Atoosa�and so is ours. Stay tuned�

"... The deafening buzz around New York�s media hangouts this week is that Atoosa Rubenstein is about to take over Jane Pratt�s old post. The buzz further insists that the Seventeen editor will make a formal announcement this Friday.

Does the post include the requisite "auditioning" by Tom Cruise? The full story here.

Out: Dylan Lauren. And while we are on the subject of unnatural attachments to childhood (The Corsair sips a chilled glass of Han vodka), let's discourse on Dylan Lauren, who told Interview Magazine in the August 2005 issue:

"For one of my college essays, they asked us to compare ourselves to a food, animal, or place and I chose the Everlasting Godstopper (laughs), because I said it was well rounded, had many layers, was colorful, bright and fun."

And, we might add, sickeningly sweet.

In:NYSocialDiary's Best Dressed. Our favorite social chronicler, the most excellent David Patrick Columbia, is compiling a weekly list of the best-dressed members of the swishy set. According to NYSocialDiary:

"The most famous list which dominated the American imagination and the international culture for decades was started, as aficionados know, in 1940 by the late fashion publicist Eleanor Lambert. That was a time when there was a standard among men and women for many sensibilities. Now is a time when the standard has been skewed, bent, twisted, obliterated, dashed and/or ignored. The idea of being Best Dressed in a world where all standards have disappeared now relies entirely on two things: an eye for that which is pleasing to look at, and in some cases beautiful, and a sense of the ironic."

Out: The AFL-CIO Crack Up.Dickensian villain manque Robert Novak hovers over the bloated carcass of the AFL-CIO, vulture-like, swooping down at will to tear off a piece of juicy, supine flesh, and, of course, to deliver this caustic elegy:

"The scenario of the breakup was accurately laid out to me by Teamsters sources nearly a year ago. Sweeney would be offered a deal he could not accept. To keep the two big unions in the federation, Sweeney would have had to agree to a six-month tenure as president and a sharp reduction in the share of union dues to the AFL-CIO. The $10 million a year each saved by the Teamsters and the SEIU means money that has gone into Democratic coffers will be used for organizing.

"That's why Democratic strategists wring their hands, fearful that the financial drought caused by the events in Chicago will undermine the party in the 2006 midterm elections. But James P. Hoffa of the Teamsters and Andrew Stern of the SEIU have rejected organized labor's political illusion. They may not know how to cure what ails the nation's unions, but they cannot buy Sweeney's notion that salvation lies in electing Democratic politicians.

"When lifetime union bureaucrat Sweeney became president Oct. 25, 1995, it soon became clear he planned a massive effort for the Democrats and labor to regain control of the whole federal government that had been lost when Republicans won control of Congress.

"Sweeney's political illusion was that the conjunction of Democratic control of the Senate, House and presidency would somehow restore labor's health (though that alignment was not therapeutic when it existed during Bill Clinton's first two years as president). In any event, pouring labor money into Democratic coffers proved an absolute failure, climaxed by Republican victories in 2000, 2002 and 2004."

Teamster sources?! Jesus H. Christ, that sounds fucking evil! The scenario of a cackling Robert Novak, the ersatz Prince of Darkness decked out in his three-piece, meeting in a dark Chicago alleyways -- under El Grecoish lighting --- with "Teamster sources" has got to be a violation of some sort of RICO statute. That's big evil right there, yo; word up.

Prognosis on Lunch at Michael's? Today seems rather Teeveeish, with some robust dashes of glossy media chattering class, parsley, and a hint of pimp. But only a whisper, because, as we all know (The Corsair ruefully sighs), too much "pimp" can overwhelm even the chicest media watering hole.

One half of our favorite superhero gossip duo, George Rush brought in the Bravo TV team, who are filming a reality tv show on the New York Daily News.

"Table 8: (his regular table by the door): David Patrick Columbia, New York Social Diary, two socialites, a Ms. Finkle in a leopard-patterned top and jacket and a Ms. Richter, who seemed decidedly unsure as to whether or not to take our hand.

A natural match, n'est-ce pas? Although, quite frankly, Town & Country hasn't been the same since they put John Travolta on the cover and, of course, there is the fact that the ladies with the rose gardens in Newport started, ehr, pushing up daisies.

"Table D (Now known as Table 6, our table): We were with Joanna Jordan, CEO of Central Talent Booking (her 22-person company books guests for major TV shows as well as wrangles celebs for major mags). She's English, naughty and we like her very very much. Also at the table: Vivian Schiller, a Senior VP at the Times (she's also, incidentally, and not that we or anyone else would care, one of the privileged few on the published New York Times masthead. Yes, a name we can see!). She works on the joint venture between the Times and Discovery Channel. It's called Discovery/Times and you may check it out on Channel 111."

We do.

"Table F: The Post's Keith Kelly earns an A at Table F today for helping us spot people and increase the general drama of the room. He was with Martin Walker, of Walker Media and another gent, Peter Lauria, of the Post's Sunday Business Page. At one point during the meal, the peripatetic Posty ambled over to Rush (they are natural enemies). The Bravo team of one got the whole exchange on tape, however, we doubt it will ever be shown anywhere but here...

"Kelly: 'So, anyone fired at your shop?

"Molloy: 'I don't know. The day is young...'

" ... At that moment, the Pimp of the Bunny Ranch chimes in: 'Hi, I'm Dennis Hof. We put the 'ho in HBO,' he says by way of introduction.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Quick: 20,000 words on selling out. Oily magazine mogul Jann Wenner is hammering out a deal to wrap his chubby (The Corsair winces in intense disgust), sweaty, cocktail sausage-like fingers (The Corsair dry heaves) around the Swan-like neck of the budding celebreality tv show genre, and, in the process, hopes to find the next Lester Bangs.

"Insiders tell Media Ink the Rolling Stone founder is in early talks with MTV Network to do a reality TV show modeled after Donald Trump's 'Apprentice.'

"It is by no means a done deal, but if it is finalized, the show would have Wenner in a starring role.

"Insiders say the basic plot will involve a team of young rock journalist wannabes who are sent out across the country to cover stories with the aim of getting an article published in the magazine � and landing a full-time editor's job.

"The ones who don't make it get axed, something Wenner knows a thing or two about."

Our favorite rapper who has a 30-page tour rider ("cold slaw"?!), Fitty Cent is back on the firing line (The Corsair suddenly ducks), metaphorically speaking that is. First, Nas has issued his much anticipated response via "MC Burial," according to HipHopGalaxy.com:

"On a slowed and altered 'Ordinary People' backdrop, Nas spits fierce lines in 50�s direction.On 'MC Burial' Nas retaliates with : 'You�re a sucker for death if I�m a sucker for love.'

Well, The Corsair's a sucker for Harvie and Hudson cotton shirts. They're on like Grey Poupon. But if all that "talking greazy" is not enough, according to the 3AM Girls:"The fellas fell out in March when Fiddy kicked his former mate out of hip-hop group G Unit. And at least one of them is still jolly cross.

"A 3am mole on a recent trip to Dublin tells us: 'The Game now signs all of his autographs with the words F*** 50 Cent at the bottom. It's not really very original but I suppose it gets his point across.'"

So, uh, it's about time to be breaking out those crisp bulletproof jackets, The Corsair supposes?

"A lawyer for Kate Moss said Wednesday the British supermodel had accepted substantial libel damages from a newspaper that alleged she had collapsed into a coma after taking cocaine.

"An article published in Britain's Sunday Mirror and on the newspaper's Web site in January alleged that during a visit to Barcelona, Spain, in June 2001, Moss collapsed into a drug-induced coma and had to be revived after taking large amounts of cocaine.

"Tyrrell said publisher Mirror Group Newspapers Limited accepted that the allegations were false and should not have been published. He said the two parties had agreed on a substantial figure in damages, but he did not say what the amount was."

Out:Jeff Katzenberg. Do you suppose right about now Jeffrey Katzenberg is playing Bananarama's Cruel Summer over and over again? The McDonalds deal notwithstanding, he's had a bad week. According to Tim Arango of the NYPost:

"NBC Universal is in discussions to acquire DreamWorks SKG, the private live-action film business left behind after the company took public its animation division last year, The Post has learned."

Does this have anything to do with the stinky opening for "The Island"?

" ...While talks with Universal are ongoing, sources familiar with the matter said they are still at an early stage and that no deal is imminent.

"The deal, if completed, would be another sign that the ambitions of the powerful Hollywood trio that formed the company 11 years ago have never been fully reached.

"DreamWorks does not break out figures for its live action unit � which remains a private company � but public comments earlier this year by David Geffen, who has taken the reins of the unit, suggest that management believes it is worth about $1 billion."

"Struggling DreamWorks Animation SKG Inc. on Monday redrew the lines of authority for its top executives, giving Chairman Roger Enrico more authority and diluting the power of Chief Executive Officer Jeffrey Katzenberg, who helped found DreamWorks in 1994.

"The Glendale-based animation unit, which was spun off from DreamWorks SKG last year, has suffered declines in stock price amid disappointing returns for the DVD of 'Shrek 2' and the recent theatrical release 'Madagascar.' The company�s shares have fallen 17 percent since the company�s initial public offering in October 2004."

In: The Island As The New Ishtar. Sure, The Corsair tore Michael Bay a new hole yesterday. That was then, this is now. His spectacular flameout is so "Out," it's "In." The aftershocks of The Island bombing are sure to be with us in the form of a thousand Sharon Waxman-esque "think pieces," on The Island as metaphor for the box office Slump of 2005. Blablablah.

But before that happens, shall we take a few moments to fully savor the full-bodied nougaty richness of the grand failure of Michael Bay, who once told Kate Beckinsaleshe was unattractive to her goddamned face. (A considerable pause) There -- now doesn't that make you feel better?

We like it when a man breaks. There is a strain of luxurious cruelty in the Mwangaguhunga bloodline line, my friends, it goes back to the old Kabaka kings, we believe. But we are only cruel to the particularly deserving. The Corsair enjoys in the bitch-like squeals of the broken scoundrel's pride in shredded tatters, as, we suppose, Michael Bay's must be at present. We especially love it when they give us the Spaniel-eyes; we can't get enough of the Spaniel-eyes. Observe, via the LATimes:

"Anticipating that the heat would be on in Hollywood this weekend, 'The Island' director Michael Bay slipped away � to sweltering Arizona."

"When he heard the film finished in fourth place with $12.4 million, it was clear: 'It's a debacle, it's my worst opening weekend ever,' Bay said.This summer's box-office doldrums has claimed numerous victims: Rebound, Lords of Dogtown, and the bigger budget films Cinderella Man and Kingdom of Heaven. Now moviegoers have crowned the biggest opening belly-flop so far: Bay's Island.

"Paul Degarabedian, president of Exhibitor Relations Co., said the film's opening comes as a major disappointment for distributor DreamWorks SKG. 'There's a lot riding on a tent pole movie like that,' he said.Bay bemoaned that the movie had low awareness. Even before it opened, he had sharp words for the marketing campaign, complaining in a Times interview that the effort wasn't generating interest and that a poster made costar Scarlett Johansson look like 'a porn star.'"

"...'I was five for five. You know it's going to happen.' 'It hurts,' Bay added. 'It's always the director's fault.'"

The Corsair has to admit, the Hardball numbers were the first shock; then again, the influence wielded by those 233,000 viewers is enough that Chris Matthews will not be out of work. The second shocker -- or, maybe not -- was that Tucker Carlson isn't getting any traction with his show. Nada buzz. Radar informed us:

"According to a network source, the 36-year-old motormouth landed the job after promising MSNBC he could deliver raucous debates with high-profile guests like Jon Stewart�who famously called Carlson a 'dick' on Crossfire and accused him of 'hurting America'�but that the debates have yet to materialize.

" ... But Carlson, who snagged a high six-figure salary and stock options from MSNBC after being booted from CNN, is still sitting pretty. 'For some reason the higher-ups keep kissing his ass, even though the show was DOA the week it premiered,' the source gripes."

We are guessing that MSNBC doesn't much care for ratings, which, actually, would explain a lot.

"I am currently reading Jimmy McDonough�sBig Bosoms and Square Jaws (Crown $26.95), the biography of soft-porn genius Russ Meyer, and I may soon have to stop: With every page, I sink further and further into the sleazy mire of Meyer. By Labor Day (I�m a slow reader), I am sure I�ll be sporting a revolver, not to mention a giant pair of silicone hooters.

"This book has proven to be a fantastic antidote to this summer�s freaky Francophilia. The violent, busty Meyer supervixens�Raven, Haji, Tempest, Tura et al.�are, apr�s tout, the antithesis of those withholding, smug French women. And Coco Chanel, with her lifelong battle to rid the world of vulgarity, was the absolute screeching polar opposite of Russ Meyer.

"I feel a personal connection to old Russ. Back in the early 80�s�in ma drinkin� days�I lived around the corner from a strip club called the Body Shop on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. The main attraction was Mr. Meyer�s then-girlfriend, Kitten Natividad. The star of Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens took quite a shine to me. This manifested itself in a highly unorthodox way: She invited me back to her dressing room. I went (it would have been inelegant to have refused). She then flew across the room and began to bat my head with her legendary appendages.

"I had a Proustian moment while reading the Meyer bio. It occurred when I reached the passage where Mr. McDonough describes Russ as 'the kind of man who discovers that slapping a leg of lamb is a perfect sound effect for a breast striking a face.'"

(image via ananova)Out: Johnny Depp.Johnny Depp and Kate Moss are still close. At least, they are still close enough that he's willing to get involved when her now ex- boyfriend is wrestling with a nasty crack habit. As the 3AM Girls have it:

"Our spy reveals: 'Johnny had come to London for the film's premiere and was determined to catch up with Kate and meet Pete for the first time.

"'Johnny is still close to Kate and they've remained friends. Since she had her daughter Lila Grace, two years ago, he's been increasingly concerned for her and wants to make sure she is in good hands.

"'People had warned Johnny that Pete was trouble but he never likes to judge a book by its cover. He wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"He had obviously heard about Pete's wild, rock star antics and was concerned for Kate, so he took him aside for a one-to-one.

"They were having a real heart to heart. Johnny was saying how having children had changed his life and that Pete should focus on raising his son Estille [by singer Lisa Moorish] and on being a good father."

Unfortunately, his advice fell on deaf ears. Last Friday, 29-year-old Pete got into a boozy street brawl with a group of youths. He fled into a shop but the gang smashed in the front door looking for him.

"Rowley has gathered up a carload of friends, including John Bartlett, Chris Farrell, Martha Plimpton, and Tatum O�Neill, to join her on a double-decker bus she has rented to take newly arrived East Coast transplant Katie O�Connell around the city. O�Connell comes from L.A., where she will head up NBC�s new head of East Coast development. Connection? 'We�re old, old friends,' Rowley said of O�Connell, whose job it is to develop new shows. But she hesitated, leaving speculation that she may be developing a television show."

Hmm. That sounds like some high profile shmoozing. Does Fashionweekdaily know something that we don't?

You see, Doherty, who is desperately spiralling towards suicide, alleged recently that Geldof's daughter Peaches squeezed his tushy -- "hard" -- before he went on to perform at Live 8. But, don't crackheads have a "deficit of ass"? That has always been our understanding. Anyway, the concavity of his ass-cheek notwithstanding, According to the 3AM Girls:

"Pete Doherty, crack addict and recent Kate Moss reject, is desperately worried that he might have upset Saint Bob Geldof by some remarks he made about the Live 8 guru's daughter, Peaches."

(The Corsair repeats to himself, "...Peaches")

"A few weeks ago Pete famously claimed Sir Bob's 16-year-old daughter had squeezed his bum before he went on stage to duet with Elton John at the anti-poverty extravaganza."

"In an emotional 4am phone call, the singer said he was tormented with worry and pleaded for Bob Geldof's number so he could set the record straight.

"The typically confused message said: 'Hello it's, errr, Pete Doherty here and I'm a little bit concerned about a story that's been going about saying one of Bob Geldof's kids is harassing me.

"'I've been trying to ehhh, get hold of his number myself, but I've had a bit of, errr, trouble."So could you put in your paper Pete Doherty would like to apologise to Bob and his daughters ... It's quite emmm, upsetting to me because I thought I got on well with Bob and his daughters ... Kate has known these girls since they were babies as well, so it's all a bit wrong."

The full message, minus the bitch-like squeals, infernal stammering and the moist, soft sucking sounds on glass -- here.

When told of that he was considered a thespian, Tom Arnold responded, jocularly: "Thesbians?! Where?! Can I watch?" (image via krewofbacchus)In: Tom Arnold. The Corsair couldn't believe that Indiewire could ever have nice things to say about Tom Arnold, but they did. They really did. As we type in this heatwave in NYC, Hell is freezing over:

"Overflowing with self-enshrining 'acerbic wit,' Don Roos' curiously fondly remembered 'The Opposite of Sex' ended up having all the edge of a dulled butter knife slathered with oleo. Ever the auto-critic, Roos constructs narratives of such dithery reflexivity that, on an almost moment to moment basis, you're not allowed to find fault with whatever narrative leap, jarring tonal inconsistency, or dramatic clich� he throws at you; see, because he already knows he's doing it.

" ... The only truly shocking thing here is that the film's saving grace comes in the form of Tom Arnold, an inspired choice for the part of Frank, Otis' father.

"Managing to avoid turning Frank into either a sad sack or an intolerant WASP monster, Arnold's soft features and weary yet still punchy presence give the film a touch of unforced poignancy. When manipulated and humiliated by (Maggie) Gyllenhaal's irredeemable Jude, Arnold manages to convey a graceful resilience that convinces us that he will ultimately regain his dignity."

"The two countries, Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan, had joined Russia, China, Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan earlier this month in demanding that the United States set a deadline for withdrawing from military bases in Kyrgyzstan and Uzbekistan. Those installations have played a pivotal role in American military operations in Afghanistan since late 2001.

"After meeting with Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, the Kyrgyz defense minister, Lt. Gen. Ismail Isakov, said at a news conference with Mr. Rumsfeld in Bishkek that the American military could keep using Manas Air Base, outside the Kyrgyz capital, for cargo and refueling missions as long as the security situation in Afghanistan remained unstable.

"'Once there is stabilization, there will be no need...'"

And then, China and Russia can resume the centuries-old Central Asian pastime of raping and pillaging "The Stans" of their oil and mineral-rich economies in earnest. Uzbekistan, in particular, has all of the elements in Dmitri Mendeleev'speriodic table.

Then again, considering that Afghanistan's recent history includes 20 years of continuous war, maybe Rummy brought off a keeper of a deal.

In: Morph Blog. The Corsair is guest-blogging (every Tuesday, for a few more weeks) at the Morph blog of the Media Center at the American Press Instuitute, so if you are a media type interested in the TV Guide revamping, go here.

Hence, "The Gun Bill," which, according to TheHill, is causing ruckus:

"Frist infuriated Democrats late last week when he announced that he planned to take up legislation granting gun manufacturers immunity from lawsuits at a time when the Senate was debating the defense authorization bill. The gun bill, which was defeated in the Senate in the last Congress, is a priority for the National Rifle Association (NRA).

�'They shouldn�t vote to go to guns if we�re not going to debate defense,' said Greg McCarthy, press secretary for Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.). McCarthy noted that the Senate had debated the defense bill for only four days, saying the big bill usually gets two weeks of floor time.'It�s basically filler,' one Democratic aide said, referring to the gun bill. 'He�s doing it instead of [legislation on] stem cells.' The aide added that if the Senate took up the gun bill Democrats would offer amendments dealing with gun shows and the assault-weapons ban � both of which passed the last time, causing the NRA to urge members to oppose the final bill.

"Attaching similar amendments this year will be more difficult in the wake of the GOP�s gain of four seats in the November elections. The aide said Democrats planned to try to provide a rhetorical contrast between the need for legislation on potentially lifesaving stem-cell research with a bill to help gun manufacturers.'There�s going to be a lot of talk about stem cells during the gun debate,' the aide said."

"... Frist�s move forced the Democrats to decide whether to vote against a motion to cut off debate on the defense bill � a choice that could be somewhat politically difficult at a time of war.

"... The fate of the defense bill has been complicated, meanwhile, by amendments offered by Sens. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) dealing with military prisoner abuse and interrogation techniques. Vice President Cheney was reported to be lobbying against the amendments, but each senator offered amendments anyway."

Okay, more total alleged speculation. Yesterday's "Just Asking" scoop from the brilliant gang at Page Six said asked, "WHICH newly humiliated actress is not so innocent herself? We hear that while visiting her cheating man on a movie set, she hooked up with his married co-star during an all-night cocaine binge ..."

Our curiosity was piqued! "Humiliated actress" suggested to us either Sienna Miller or Jennifer Anniston. Then this clinched it (*allegedly*), according to Hello!Magazine:

"Jude Law's estranged fianc�e Sienna Miller obviously has no intention of maintaining a low profile in the aftermath of revelations about her beau's fling with his children's nanny.

"... The 23-year-old actress spent the evening in the company of Sean Penn and his wife Robin Wright Penn. The Hollywood couple stopped by the London theatre where Sienna is appearing in As You Like It, before all three went on to grab a bite to eat together in a local restaurant. Sean, who shares the screen with Jude in the upcoming flick All The Kings Men, is accompanying his wife in the British capital while Robin films Breaking And Entering, which also stars Jude. "

(image via greencine)Ah, Craigslist (The Corsair pops open a bottle of Champale); bane of inscrutable vice-cops, prime arena for the purchasing of supple ass. Big ups to the intrepid Craig Newmark, for making way for that significant cultural vocation, that masterless sexual samurai -- the pimpless whore.

"Once dependent on small, expensive ads in the back of certain local newspapers and magazines, erotic-service workers like Jason, whose post reads 'hot hung very tough horseman from texas' love Craigslist. They can post more pictures on it, for one, but the anonymity factor also works to their advantage. 'And it's free.' A 'sensational, sensual, erotic, busty blonde,' who gives 'a real massage with lots of sensual, erotic, and sexual teasing,' adds, 'At one point, New York Magazine was the only place that you could really advertise under erotic services, but you guys raised your prices so much, it became ridiculous. Now Craigslist is the way to go.'"

We'll take his word for it. (PS: While we still Avert our Gaze, but you do your thing, Craig; you ... do your thing)

Marisol tells Justin her hopes, her dreams and -- at his urging -- her bra-size as they danced the forbidden dance "Lambada." (image via thecobrasnake)

Jimmy was about to take a picture on the occasion of his being photographed, but after contemplating the whole meta- discursive hall of mirrors aspect of it all, he became paralyzed by a socially elegant existential nausea. (image via thecobrasnake)

(image via Defamer)In:Katie Holmes, Niacin Flush?! Did some errant alchemy turn Katie Holmes' complexion all "pizzaface"? That's what happens when Muggles like Tom Cruise fuck with "potions." Magic is tricky! Of course, this is all irresponsible allegation and -- worse -- speculative diagnosis; that caveat having been aired, what's a blog for? According to The Lowdown:

"Did Tom Cruise insist on purifying Katie Holmes before anointing her his betrothed?

"Celebrity watchdogs are buzzing that the hideous red marks that erupted around Holmes' mouth shortly after the couple announced their romance in early May are the nasty side effects of a Church of Scientology 'detoxification' procedure involving the vitamin niacin.

RXMed, which bills itself as the comprehensive resource for physicians, drug and illness information, says, "The more common adverse effects of niacin therapy are dose related and generally seen with high doses used to treat hyperlipidemia. Severe generalized flushing (due to peripheral cutaneous vasodilation) that may be accompanied by burning, stinging or tingling sensations,

" ... Flushing usually subsides over several weeks, despite continuation of niacin therapy. Long term use of large doses of niacin has also been associated with rash ... Parenteral solutions of B complex vitamins containing niacinamide may cause flushing, itching or burning of the skin in patients susceptible to the effects of niacinamide."Granted, diagnosis via internet image is thoroughly daffy. Anyway, we go in more for the "This-Arranged-Relationship-Gives-Me-The-Hives" school of thought (As opposed to the "Herpes-Simplex" line of thinking).

(image via grahamwatson)Out: Governor Lance Armstrong. Cheers to would-be future Texas Governor Lance Armstrong. We wish him luck, but he might want to lose the metrosexuality if he ever wants to run for office in southwestern red-state Texas. According to the 3AM Girls, his increasingly skeletal galpal Sheryl Crowe says:

"Lance hates body hair and (Sheryl), 43, admits: 'He's better at shaving his legs than I am. The pressure's on me to keep my legs smooth.'

"Meanwhile, Lance celebrated his victory yesterday with a party in Paris attended by Tom Hanks and Matt Damon, who plans to play the cyclist in a film."

Although we are not political image consultants, we suggest that Lance allow the stubble to return and ditch the Hollywood lefties.

"The irony is that this year's conference was supposed to be the 50th Anniversary celebration of the reconstituting of the AFL-CIO. UFCW and UNITE-HERE are also boycotting. Whether they split remains to be seen, as any new federation would be overshadowed (and dominated) by SEIU and its charismatic leader Andy Stern.

"While a lack of unity in the labor movement may seem to bode ill for its future, it's probably the best thing to have happened to it in a long time. The AFL-CIO was bleeding membership and clout and wasn't prepared to enact the sorts of reforms -- heck, any reforms -- designed to reverse the trend."

Out: Michael Bay, Flop. With that stylish mop of deliberately tussled Los Angelino coif, and -- can we fail to note -- that lopsided, trademark I'm-King-of-The-World Hollywood smirk, this was, by all accounts (okay, just mine) supposed to be Michael Bay's conquest weekend. Scarlett; Ewan; Bay; Clones. He was supposed to show us how alpha males spell: victory.

Alas, it was not to be (The Corsair shakes head and sips at a glass of The Black Wine of Cahors). As Defamer deftly perfectly sums up the situation, "In a word: wow. In another: bomb. When we projected that The Island would open to about $27 million, we had a feeling we might be in for a letdown. But this? Some might speculate that a poor promotional campaign was to blame, others might point to the absence of hitmaking producing buddy Jerry Bruckheimer. But we think it's karmic payback for Bay's recent bout of hubris in the LAT: 'You know, I�?ve never had a flop.'"

In: Conde Nasty News. Despite the fact that The Corsair had a disastrousous job interview at Conde Nast right out of his The Nation internship (Using Christopher Hitchens as a reference didn't help, alas; someone should do a New York bloggers comedy reading featuring job interview nightmares at Conde Nast), we believe Conde Nasty gossip is a dish best served ... cold. Fashionweek sustains us; oh, yes it does:

Out: Kelly Preston. While we, like Edmund Burke, abhor the ultraviolence of the French Revolution, we take exception with the Empress Marie-Antoinettish excesses of Mrs. John Travolta. Kelly Preston takes the time to brag boborygimous to something called Moviehole:"Kelly Preston may co-star as a flying superhero in the new film 'Sky High,' but while talking up her comedic role in the Disney movie, she had no hesitation in defending Tom Cruise's recent anti-drug attacks. Preston denies that her recent speaking out, however, was anything new. 'Well, I've been speaking about the issue for the last seven years,' Preston was saying in a Los Angeles hotel room. 'I've been a child advocate for years on this and other issues and children's rights, so it's something very important to me. And the last couple of weeks, because there have been people speaking out, and because Tom [Cruise] has spoken out, the FDA has issued two or three different warnings, stating that these drugs, which have been prescribed for years, cause suicide, hallucinations, violence, and psychosis. I think it's an issue worth exploring a lot more, because the public has been misled.'

And, as for her "level-headed" and "normal" kids:

" '... we do so much as a family, that's so normal, with our kids, that they're pretty well adjusted and level headed. The premieres are, kind of exciting, especially to Ella, who loves limousines. One time, she asked: can I have my own limousine? So she and her little girlfriend went in our limo, and we took our car, to John's [Travolta] last premiere. It was hilarious.'"

... Hysterical (Averted Gaze)

"That normalcy continues when it comes to vacationing. While most families go through security at an airport, having a pilot for a dad also has it perks, Preston further concedes. 'Daddy flies a jet, and that's amazing, because you don't have to go through the airport experience all the time, but she likes it, it's funny. Last year, he flew us around the world and flies us to any place. We have the airport there, the runway, at the house in Florida, so he is a plane man. if he could, he flies five, six days a week.'"

In: A Masked Ball.Gemini's -- "we" -- like language games, print and electronic media (or, really, any form of communication conducive to play), gossip, and, of course, masks of all kinds. So, without fail, Geminiacal "we" -- that we indeed are -- jumped on this story of masks and boldface names (Are you dizzy yet?). According to NYSocialDiaristJeanne Lawrence:

"The San Francisco Ballet celebrated the opening of its 72nd season with 'A Masked Ball' theme that set the tone for an opulent Venetian-esque evening of romance and revelry. The dazzling gala also marked Artistic Director Helgi Tomasson�?s 20th anniversary leading the ballet company that is the third largest in the US and certainly one of the most innovative.