Friday, November 6, 2015

Because i've been absent for a while, i'm going to answer two letters this time and vanquish various venereal vexations at once. Yes, with all the tact, sensitivity and humility you've come to expect. Behold my brilliance...

Dear Wench Whisperer,

if you're so wise then why do you keep telling couples to break up instead of trying to help them fix their problems? You know, some people really can work out their differences no matter how bad things might be between them at certain times. You are doing them a disservice by encouraging them to separate. Some of us have trouble even getting a girl yet you're encouraging people to break up. That's completely stupid. Why don't you help people get together instead? I can't find a girlfriend at all, despite having a job and a car and being a caring and kind person. Solve my problem if you're so smart.

-Thinks You're Stupid

Dear Stupid,

in your ignorance you've misinterpreted the premise of my column. i'm not a pickup artist who can instruct you how to go through life as a "caring and kind" (that's code for "boring," right?) slob and yet still score with women anyway. My counsel is on how to co-exist with women harmoniously enough that they don't try to castrate you in your sleep, though, judging from your letter, you'll probably never sleep close enough to a woman for that to be a danger. If you think that telling couples to break up is "completely stupid" then i beseech you read on through the next letter's uplifting tale. And hopefully it won't scar your psyche in ways that leave you useless to your left hand. Good luck.

Dear Wench Whisperer,

I've always known my wife has a temper but it used to flare up only sporadically. For the last few years though she's had some new criticism of me every single day and it's usually something that doesn't seem important (or even real). Example: earlier today she told me that she's embarassed to be seen with me because I slouch or something when I walk. (No, I don't really understand it either) I've tried to improve myself based on her -many and constant- suggestions but she still finds new grievances, whether it's the way I dress or how i drive a car or she discovered a urine spot on the toilet, she always finds something or several things to complain about. She once told me I have bad taste in beer. Really, is that even possible? I mean, who cares, right? I realize it takes two to have an argument or a fight (as she keeps reminding me) so I'm sure I'm to blame here as well but she's always the one who starts it up so I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.I also know that some people fight and bicker with each other because they like to fight and bicker, but I don't like to. I don't want to get a divorce either, I just want to get some peace. How can I stop her constant fault-finding?

-Miserable Matt

Miserable Doormatt,

your problem is entirely solvable. i know this because i used to slouch too (then i got sober. Well, for a couple days i did) and i even used to drink crappy beer (a habit i nipped in the budweiser) but neither of these things are a problem now. Please pay undivided attention here whilst i demonstrate my inhuman capacity for empathy and take your wife's side for a moment so i can explain to you just why she thinks she's justified in treating you like an uncooperative turd that refuses to be flushed and then prescribe the simple solution that will actually change her behavior and rescue your marriage from being the murder/suicide inspiring purgatory that it currently is. Yes, i am capable of doing these things because i am the Wench Whisperer and this is the very reason that God put me here on earth. (go ahead and thank Him now, i'll wait). Okay: The reason your wife has contempt for you -and shows it in everything she does- is because you let her. A woman becomes batcrap violently insane when her man allows her to walk all over him, as you do. She finds it insufferable when you humor her irrationalies and take her gratuitous abuse without defending yourself because if you take abuse from her then you'll take it from anybody, including from her enemies, and she doesn't feel safe or protected by a man who submits to others. She needs to know you'll stand up for her if needed, but she can't know that when you won't even stand up for yourself. Put simply, she hopes that if she antagonizes you enough she can coerce your balls into dropping. Remember: she wants desperately to respect you, but you keep disappointing her when you capitulate to derision like some pacifist milkshit. So you must retaliate, show her some strength she can respect you for. Reassure her that you're even capable of defending yourself so she can feel safe and protected when she's with you. Do this and i promise that even those oral sensations which are now just a vague spank-bank memory will return to your new and perfect life together. There, you see? You're married to a kind, sweet woman and it's completely your own fault that she behaves like a caviling, complaint-hemorrhaging harpy. But that inner sweetness would come right back to the surface if only you'd stop failing her, you monkeyass. Believe me? Neither do i. You knew i wasn't serious when i told you this was solvable, right? Firstly, anybody who says it "takes two to have an argument" or fight or whatever, is lying. That's nonsense horse-feather hippie dogma drivel that's been disproven by science (and by every living person's experience) over and again, yet disingenuous conflict-fomenting shrews will repeat it as long as doormats like you let them. You knew it wasn't true yet you put it in your letter anyway, as though it would make you seem open minded but instead you just sounded like a weak battered husband who lets his enemies determine the rules of engagement. Know ye this: Every abusing, battering spouse excuses themself by insisting to their victim: "It's not just me. It's both of our faults and we both have to work on this." But here is the truth (scientific, heuristic and emperical): It takes Two to make PEACE (that is: two sides that both want peace) but it takes only ONE to make war (one person attacking and attacking until the other must defend themself, see: Bombing Pearl Harbor) and your wife wants war, wants conflict, wants to deny you the peace that you seek. Peace can't be negotiated unless both sides want it, and Princess Peestain isn't interested nor can you reason with her, so unless you have an atomic bomb to drop she won't stop her agressions. Whether she's cruel because she's frustrated by something, or bored, or (the most likely cause) just enjoys inflicting pain on others doesn't matter. What matters is that she is cruel and insufferable and she won't change because cruel people never do. If you think there is any action you can undertake that will bring out some repressed inner kindness in her, you're wrong. Changing this shrew is going to take longer than foreplay with a feminist and humans just don't live that many years so Don't Even Try. Though i am in favor of saving marriages whenever possible, your wife is the reason God invented divorce. Life is fleeting, life is precious hence, in your case, it is my humanitarian duty to go Full Homewrecker on you lest the remainder of your precious life be wasted in utter misery. Divorce Is The Answer, my friend. Get out. Run. Now. Lastly; don't fret over your wife's future prospects, i'm sure the writer of the previous letter will be glad to accept her just as she is because he knows that "people really can work out their differences." So let him try. i don't doubt they'll murder one another within a week of cohabitingbe content and live harmoniously together ever after. There, i've solved both your problems. i'm great. You're welcome.