My Ex Girlfriend Told Me She Doesn’t Love Me Anymore. Can I Make Her?

Those five little words are enough to bring even the toughest man to his knees. And the hardest part is dealing with the urges that come afterward.

When I was little, I had this friend who was always eating licorice by the bag-full. Now, I have never liked licorice. In fact, I still don’t. But there was a moment when I turned down the offering of a piece once. He basically said, “you couldn’t have it even if you wanted.” Oh, you know how determined I was to get at it then?

Well, two scraped knees and a trip to the principal’s office later, and I think he would’ve given me the entire bag if it hadn’t spilled on the floor. All it takes is one word, no, and there is nothing that will stand in my way.

I find a lot of people are like that. We don’t want something until it is no longer available to us.

Case-in-point, your ex has told you that she doesn’t love you anymore and now you can’t stop thinking about getting her back. It permeates every second of every day. Don’t worry, I’ve been there. It’s totally normal.

In a movie, you would make some grand gesture to win her back. Unfortunately, this isn’t a movie and grand gestures don’t fix underlying issues that caused her to fall out of love in the first place.

I mean, falling out of love doesn’t happen overnight because of one moment. Sure there may have been the last straw, but usually, it boils down to little things that happen over time.

How Falling Out of Love Happens

Firstly, let’s just go ahead and get honest. Whatever one reason you think there is for your ex falling out of love… you’re wrong. It is highly unlikely that there is only one thing, one action you did, that caused this.

Do You Even Have a Chance of Getting Your Ex Back? Find out in 2 Minutes...

Relationships, at least good solid ones, have seven traits that help the people in it feel safe and comfortable.

Respect

Trust – Benefit of the doubt and accepting each other’s word

Accountability – Admit mistakes and taking responsibility

Cooperation – Asking for something and not just expecting things, accepting changes, compromises, and making decisions together

A Feeling of Safety – Not using intimidation to convince each other, respect personal space

Honesty – healthy communication

Support – sense of solidarity on choices, be encouraging, valuing each other’s opinions

I think each of these is equally important, as I am sure your ex would agree. But you can’ just say,” Hey, I respect you,” and then that be it. It takes a continuous effort on both of your parts if you want it to be a long-lasting relationship. You can’t just say here’s how it’s going to be.

Just like a car. You don’t just buy it and never do any maintenance. A relationship takes constant maintenance and attention.

My guess for anyone who’s in a situation with someone who fell out of love is that several of these areas were lacking in your relationship. I mean it doesn’t just boil down to hogging the covers or leaving a dirty dish in the sink. It’s the message those things convey when compiled over time.

The Common Misconception

Love isn’t like a book that you buy and you just have it from then on until you decide you are done with it. No! Once you fall for someone, you tend to keep falling for them over and over in different capacities. It’s part of getting to know someone.

For example, I had this guy friend in college who fell for this girl in one of his classes and they started dating. They had been together for a while and one morning he and I were studying together and it came up. He was telling me about how they met. And he said, ” I knew when I met her that I loved her, but this morning she was arguing with the coffee maker and I fell in love with her all over again.”

I felt like I was listening to Jim talk about Pam. (Any Office fans?) It was disgustingly cute how serious he was.

I get it. You get comfortable with someone and you start to expect things to just coast onward without having to work at them. It would be a heck of a lot easier if that was the case. I mean, we could just go on to focus on other things in life and just have this person that we love along for the ride. Unfortunately, focusing on work or a hobby more leaves a partner feeling neglected if the effort isn’t made to fill the gap.

Let’s Get Real Though

The reason we fall so hard for someone the first go around can be contributed to what I call the “feel goods”, you know, serotonin, norepinephrine, and oxytocin. The thing is, the second time around, reason outweighs emotion. So you have to deal with their more reasonable side before they will let you in.

But I am going to tell you a secret… Love is just like any other emotion. Think back to the last time you were truly afraid.

If I think back, it has to be back when Paranormal Activity came out. We went to see it in theaters. The thing is, as jumpy and as weird as the whole movie was, it wasn’t really all that scary to me. But there was this one scene where they were laying in bed and all of a sudden her leg jolts out of the bed as if someone was pulling it. She gets pulled out of bed and dragged down the hallway. It wasn’t that it scared me. My brain just couldn’t figure out how they did it.

I had nightmares for months.

I couldn’t control it. I knew it was absolutely bonkers.

Some people say things like “Yeah, fear does that to you.”

And, yeah, that’s true… kind of.

It’s emotions. They get the better of us, fear, jealousy, anxiety, self-pity… there are so many. And when they get going, we have no control over when they boil up and when they don’t.

Did you know that one of the most common ruses in manipulation is to manipulate someone while also making them fall in love? They hide their true agenda by bombarding their target with serotonin, norepinephrine, and oxytocin. That kind of distraction only works once, especially if they had a solid reason for falling out of love in the first place.

The real secret is, you can use actual psychology to make her fall back in love with you.

Using Psychology to Make Things Happen

Every person has a list of what they’re looking for in a person that makes them “relationship material.” No not a list on paper, but a tiny list that just hangs out in the back of your head that you run all of your interactions against. Even I have one. So, do you even if you don’t realize it.

For some people it’s physical. For others, it’s common beliefs or backgrounds.

That is why there are people out there that find it so hard to “find love.” In reality, they might meet someone who checks off most of their boxes, but the other person might have already written them off after comparing them to their list.

The agitating part is that through our experiences we evolve our lists. For example, some people alter their lists to avoid someone with similar attributes to an ex that they had a falling out with. Or in some circumstances, they try to rewrite history by looking for someone with similar attributes to someone who dumped them.

It’s all situational and depends on the person.

Okay, so what do you know?

You know that, at some point, you were compatible with your ex’s list. And you also know that now you aren’t. So, what’s changed? I know she probably gave you are a reason, but if you look at yourself when she first CHOSE to be with you and the person you were when you split… what’s different?

Have you become preoccupied with work? Or maybe you’ve started slacking off on chasing your dreams. Maybe you’ve developed a wandering eye. Whatever it is, you have a unique opportunity here. You spent time with her. Hopefully, you got to know her. (If not, I can tell you right now… that’s your problem.)

So with that knowledge, you already know what she values in life and consequently a partner.

We have a lot of people that contact us not knowing what to do during No Contact other than not contact their ex. I have always held to the idea that you should use that time to better yourself. Who am I to say that those changes can’t lean towards what made her like you. It’s your choice, but my guess is that it can only better your chances.

There’s another advantage you have that is in the same realm. You can use the time during No Contact to consider how she sees herself. Like I said after a breakup people generally have a dip in self-esteem. In order to correct that, you can consider the things you know she considers to be her strengths. In your time of self-betterment and No Contact, you could also line your strengths up with hers, since you can be sure that she’ll be looking to balance the feelings of inadequacy that come with a breakup.

Push Pull

After a breakup, most people don’t put themselves in situations to be hurt. That means they keep everyone at arm’s length. So, in order to get close to them, you have to do this little dance, after No Contact of course.

I think we can agree that the goal after no contact is to get close to your girlfriend again, but you can’t just jump back into things or she’ll run the other way. What you want to do is follow the Texting tactic that Chris has laid out for you. And during this I’m going to suggest you step forward and then pull away,

A lot of people would consider this, playing games, but really you will be letting her make the moves. This makes her feel more in control. As a woman, I can tell you that’s preferable.

Brain Ninjas

In your attempts to reconnect and get her to build on that connection, you will have opportunities to plant ideas during your interaction. In order to let those thoughts take seed and prosper, you are going to avoid negatives speak. That means avoiding the words and prefixes no, un-, without, and not.

Then, for example, you want her to start associating you with thoughts of affection. You can say things like,

“I loved that movie.”

“I adore how they get along.”

Like the Push Pull Method, you want all of your moves to be indirect. If you go at her head on, she will automatically block each one. And on top of that you’ll seem needy.

And then if you want her to picture a future with you… there is one thing you can do that will make any woman take notice, be good with kids, especially babies.

I have never wanted kids… but you could put one of my exes in front of me being cute with a kid and I’ll start wondering if maybe we ended things too soon. So, that’s something to keep in mind.

Pay Attention to How You Are Perceived

In your No Contact and Re-establishing contact stages, you will surely interact with mutual friends and family. Mind how you talk to people. Note, that everything you do along with everything you post is being watched by your ex or your exes friends.

It sucks but, no matter how hard you try, people will pay attention to the things that you do. So, pay attention and allow your reason to make the call when your emotions come into play. You want to keep those moments of emotional outbursts close to the chests.

For example, a friend of mine and her boyfriend split because of his anger problems. He spent the time of No Contact trying to convince her he’d changed when he really hadn’t. Then h,e got in a fight at a bar. Everyone in our friend group ran straight to her saying, “Did you hear what happened?” She never slipped up and check on him the entire time and yet she still knew what was going on with him.

Do you think she was convinced that he had changed?

If you guessed, “no,” then you would be right.

Put it into Practice

As always I would love to hear how you use this info. Somtimes I get comments from guys telling me how they would modify an idea I’ve laid out and that works too. Mostly I just want to know wat worked for you and what didn’t.

What Do You Think? (9)

traeH nekorB

August 14, 2017

My girlfriend and I broke up early April of this year. We dated around 2 and 1/2 years living together over half of that time. We were friends about a year before that and she pretty much gave me and ultimatum because of her feelings towards me that we had to date or we couldn’t be friends anymore. I was single so long before then I thought I wanted to just be alone but I knew how great we were together and we truly were best friends, probably even too much because we tended to isolate ourselves because we loved being alone together just hanging out so much. She came on strong, she told me she loved me not long into relationship and I handled it poorly, I just didn’t know what love was at the time. It didn’t take me long however to admit to her how much i loved her back, she is my soulmate and every day we got along so well, we never fought. We were such different people though and outside of being alone it could be a struggle to do things with other people sometimes, but not all the time. That never mattered to us though. The last year, She wanted more from me in terms of talking about kids and marriage and having a plan, I handled that poorly too because although I wanted those things too, I wasnt ready. I never said the words but my actions were always that I wanted her for the rest of my life. I didn’t know what I wanted to with my life in terms of career and wasnt happy with myself because of it. She even supported us during times when i didnt have a job. In the last few months or so we both were having tough things go on with our families and because I wasnt committing to the future she put a guard up and I could tell. I just ended it one day but she didnt fight it, the last few days before i moved out we couldnt even look at each other without crying. It all happened so fast. Not long after, I knew I made a mistake. I realized soon after that was the girl i should be marrying and having kids with. I gave it two months with no contact and then told her how i felt because i couldnt hold it back anymore. She said it wasnt fair for me to say that to her anymore and that she didnt know what she wanted but just wanted to be alone for now. I then wrote her letters and songs to explain why i was how i was and what i was doing to fix it. Her responses were ignoring me and saying that she didnt want to get back together. She also said she was seeing someone but I think she just said that to get me off her back. Over the past month I backed off on all that and given her space. I text her random friendly messages and she responds to them even back and forth for a while but its never serious stuff, even if I say that I would like to take a walk just to talk about life or something she wont message me back. Ive tried to be thorough, what do you think? She is very strong and her strength is one of the things I love about her so much, this is tough!! Ill never give up though.

EGR Team Member: Amor

August 14, 2017

Do you want to try the no contact rule?

Marcus Raymond

August 10, 2017

Hey, My ex girlfriend of 4 years ended things with me on April end. She is 26 and I am 33. Things used to perfect with us, but then over the last year of our relationship I fell into a bit of a depression as to not having work and unable to support myself. We were living together and she was supporting me in every way. Things started to change, as due to my depression, even though i was there with her all the time, i started pushing her away, communicating less, not giving her much affection or intimacy, not wanting to do things that I usually wanted to do. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those were a few of the things that eventually led to her wanting out. I came to find out 2 weeks after the breakup, that her ex boyfriend (the one that got away), had come back into town and that 3 days before the breakup she had met up with him behind my back. A week later they were on a date and then hooked up. On that day i went into a bit of a rage and decided that i didnt care anymore and went out clubbing with some friends. That same night she saw a snapchat of me through her friends account of me dancing in the club with a girl, and she texted me saying “Did i really not mean anything to you, that it takes you less than 2 weeks to already be out and about flirting with new women”? The following day we met up and discussed everything where she told me that she still loved me, and that she was unhappy for the past 6 months due to me not having any financial income and my depression constantly pushing her away and making her feel rejected and unwanted. When i asked her about the ex, she admitted that she met him at first only as a friend, but then he kept insisting on taking her on a date. And that all they did was make out, and it was a drunken mistake on her part and that she was going to stop talking to him. Back to us she said that as much as she loved me, there’s only so much love can do to hold a relationship, until it reaches a point where finance becomes important. And that she was giving me a year to sort out my life and then we can start fresh. For the next month and a half, we got back with each other, but she termed it as “just friends”, because she didn’t want to confuse our family and friends around us until we were sure of sorting our lives out and officially getting back with each other. For that month and a half, everything was perfect. Whatever issues she had with me, I proved to her that and showed her that all those bad habits were due to me being putting my depression on the forefront. With the exception of me not having money, we were affectionate with each other, communicating openly, once again talking about plans for the future including marriage, any little argument would be discussed and a solution reached within 5 minutes maximum. We were so happy to the point she would even tell me that “I am so glad you are finally putting in all the effort that I am falling in love with you again”. And then 2 weeks ago everything changed again. She just stopped being the loving her, and switched to being friend, this time for real. Every advance or flirtation I would initiate would be met with “it’s not right for us to do what we are doing, we are only just friends”. This went on for about 2 weeks until the one day I glanced over phone while she was sitting next to me and saw that the ex was talking to her again, and they were to an extent flirting with each other. Add to that, I noticed on her phone that she had reinstalled Tinder after not having it for 4 years. When i confronted her about it she said “he is just a friend, nothing more. I am allowed to talk to my friends, AS ARE YOU”. As for Tinder she gave me a story that she and her girls were out the one night and her friend X asked her to install it because X wanted to spy on her ex bf through it. And for the next 2 weeks the same continued, her being a little distant. Last week, we were out (as the nightclub where I freelance with for a little bit of cash, the owner of the club, his wife and my ex are best friends, so we have to be in the same place with each other). Anyway, on our way home, I was a bit drunk and leaned in to kiss her as I was getting out of my car and that really set her off. She fumed saying we are just friends and that I shouldn’t be trying to kiss her and drove off, then she reached home and sent me a text saying “I dont get why you cant understand. Until you sort out your life, we are never getting back to each other. Theres no point of us getting back together if it isnt going to lead to anywhere. How do you expect us to get married or start a future when you cant support even yourself. I gave you an inch and you took a mile. We were fine and talking and somehow it led to us being together discreetly. I admit that i did enable you, but that was wrong on my part. For 4 years i never received any of the love and affection, and when you finally were giving it, I fell for it like an idiot, and that wasn’t right. That needs to stop. The whole calling me with affectionate names like baby and my love needs to stop because its uncomfortable as we are not together. I’ve given you 9 more months. If you sort your life out by then, get a job, get a car and a place of your own, only then can you take me out on a date and we will SEE if that leads to something, although i am not making any promises. However i do stand by my promise. If in 9 months you are sorted and ask me out on a date, I will say yes. Til then we are and will remain as friends. You live your life the way you want to and I will live my life the way I want. I do love you but only as my best friend, but I honestly dont know if i am in love with you anymore. We can still be friends that love and care for each other and support each other, but thats it, nothing more”. That was last week. And since then, we have been chatting but she’s been completely distant. She sometimes stays more 24 hours without texting, and unless she wants to chat because she is bored or wants to complain about something in her life, besides that every conversation from my end is met with 2 – 3 word answers, such as no, or okay or hmmm. On sunday night after the club and while she was dropping me home, and random guy called her, and she made an excuse and hung up. When i asked her why is some random guy from the club calling, she replied “its some dude calling for my friend that I was being a wing woman for” …. And THAT is my story. So ive gone and purchased the EX GIRLFRIEND RECOVERY book and in my initial reading have found out this: 1 – I think i have been friend zoned. And i am guilty of thinking “Maybe if we are friends she will realize she made a mistake and we can get back together”. 2 – She might be displaying GIGS … either for her ex bf or with other people she is trying to date, IF she is dating. 3 – Towards the end I did end up being clingy. 4 – I cant be sure, but the hot and cold signs she is exhibiting could be that she is keeping me around as a security blanket. 5 – At time she acts like she doesn’t care, but then when she gets drunk, she does show a FEW signs of still caring. 6 – Since the breakup, at least out in public, she does seem to be exhibiting signs of being happy without me.

Could you give an insight into a girls mind and tell me if i have lost her for good?

Those are the things that I have figured out so far. Now i know i need to start the NC Rule. However as i have read that the NC period is about making myself better, i do have a slight issue. One of my major problems is finance. And ive already started working on it, but I wont be settled in that for at least 60 – 70 days. Should i keep the NC for that long? She is a very prideful, arrogant, manipulative and maybe even a narcissistic person. I know that if i start off by telling her that “I appreciate the offer to be friends, but I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to handle that right now”, I know that will set her off and want to cut me off completely, because she always has to have the last word.

I know i may seem like a lost case. But when things were good, they were really good. I do admit the things she laid out, and I know that i need to change them not just to get her back, but for myself first and I know i can do it. And yes she does have a lot of flaws, but no one is perfect. I do accept her flaws, although a few do have to change, ones that she actually can change.

EGR Team Member: Amor

August 10, 2017

Hi Marcus,

you don’t have to do 60 days. Just keep improving yourself while you’re slowly rebuilding rapport and attraction.

Marcus Raymond

August 11, 2017

Hi Amor,

Thank you for the reply. Just one last thing, because ive already potentially fallen into the “i love you as my best friend zone”, just wanted to update you on her behaviour the last week. She’s gone from texting me everyday to hardly texting me at all, to a point where twice she’s stayed almost 24 hours with no contact. On confronting her about it, i was met with “ive been busy or i fell asleep”. Which is defintely a lie cause Ive been with her for almost 4 years. She is ADDICTED to social media. No matter how busy she’s ever been, she’s the type to get itches in her fingers every 15 minutes and has to pick up the phone and message something even if it is irrelevant. As far as the “fallen asleep” excuse is concerned, that too is a lie coz i literally see her online all the time while shes pretending to be asleep. My question before i begin NC is, do i send her the “I appreciate the offer to be friends, but I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to handle that right now”, and a little explanation saying that this past week she’s shown to be a shit friend to me OR do i just go cold turkey without mentioning anything, seeing as she already is pretty much doing the same if i dont text her first.

Thanks, Marcus

Marcus Raymond

August 11, 2017

Hi Amor,

Thank you for the reply. Just one last thing, because ive already potentially fallen into the “i love you as my best friend zone”, just wanted to update you on her behaviour the last week.

She’s gone from texting me everyday to hardly texting me at all, to a point where twice she’s stayed almost 24 hours with no contact.

On confronting her about it, i was met with “ive been busy or i fell asleep”. Which is defintely a lie cause Ive been with her for almost 4 years. She is ADDICTED to social media. No matter how busy she’s ever been, she’s the type to get itches in her fingers every 15 minutes and has to pick up the phone and message something even if it is irrelevant.

As far as the “fallen asleep” excuse is concerned, that too is a lie coz i literally see her online all the time while shes pretending to be asleep.

My question before i begin NC is, do i send her the “I appreciate the offer to be friends, but I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to handle that right now”, and a little explanation saying that this past week she’s shown to be a shit friend to me OR do i just go cold turkey without mentioning anything, seeing as she already is pretty much doing the same if i dont text her first.

Thanks, Marcus

EGR Team Member: Amor

August 11, 2017

Just start nc.. and if you want to build rapport, don’t say negative things to her.

Dakota West

August 6, 2017

Hey. So my ex girlfriend of 4 months had had a relationship, and she broke up with me after she had gotten a call to ministry and said that she needed to focus on her relationship with God. We’re both christians so I understand what she means, but I want to figure out how to get her back. She said another problem was I wouldn’t open up to her, and that she felt she was the only one trying in the relationship. I loved her and still do to this day. We met back in December and instantly clicked, but I want to find that connection again. I have gone into no contact (the only thing we keep is our streak on snapchat. No conversations or anything) I’ve been working out, and I’ve gotten a new job and am working on getting a new car and changing my life, but I wan to know if there are more tips for me. Thank you for your time