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A local hoodlum and criminal yesterday found out that after a lifetime of fast living, "bling and bitches" (platinum jewelry and loose women), crime really does not pay, after he was sent down for a long time, with no option of parole. Well-known local weapons dealer and firearms expert, 8-Ball, had long been believed to be a major player in organized crime in Liberty City. Now he's doing a little organized time, after he was convicted of 85 charges of owning a gun without a license.

State prosecutor, Philip Hedges, was overjoyed at the result. "This man has profited out of bringing misery and mayhem to our streets for too long now. While he was off partying and enjoying his ill-gotten gains with women in night-clubs, drinking champagne and driving fast cars, others were cleaning up the blood from our streets from the bullets fired by guns he sold."

The court heard how 8-Ball had links with various crime families in town, including the Leone crime family, and how he was seen as a Mister Fixit for crime lords, able to supply them with the firepower they needed to continue their reign of terror in our city. "We've been after this guy for several years and finally we got charges that would stick. We know he did a lot of other stuff, and we even thought about making up some evidence so we could lock him up and throw away the key, but eventually we just busted his premises and found a lot of things no one outside the military or a regulation gun club should own."

When police raided his home, their haul included missile launchers, flamethrowers, hand grenades and a wide array of assault weapons. In a short struggle, the criminal's hands were badly damaged when a policeman accidentally poured hot fat on them. He appeared in court with both hands wrapped in bandages. Now he's going to be wrapped up in a prison cell.