Family

Karen Hartery, left, listens to her friends Pamela Sarasin and Tracey Genua, right, as they talk about their support system. Without a husband or children, Hartery has turned to her fellow teachers at Generali Elementary School for help. She says the second family has been a factor in the healing process. Erin Covey / Republican-American.

Karen Hartery discovered she had cancer with alarming speed. "I went in for my colonoscopy on a Wednesday and (doctors) told me I had cancer on Friday," she said.

It took only a smidgen more time for Hartery, who suffers from rectal adenocarcinoma, to discover how many friends she had.

"It's fabulous," said Hartery, 43, of Wolcott. "I have unconditional support and love from a lot of friends."

For Hartery, a first-grade teacher at Waterbury's Margaret M. Generali Elementary School who never married and has no children, that circle of friends is critical.

"When you are single, your support system becomes people you might not necessarily have thought would be your support system," said Hartery, an unassuming, soft-spoken redhead. "It's wonderful knowing that there's help and support, even though I may not have the family support system in the traditional sense."

During a health crisis, patients routinely turn to family members for the often extensive assistance they need, traveling to and from doctor's appointments and therapy, picking up prescriptions, ensuring there is adequate food in the house and providing the emotional support that can be a lifeline to those who are sick.

Hartery was helped by a cabal of teachers who had long been impressed by what they said is the Waterbury native's preternatural calm, grace and poise.

"The minute we found out, we were all in shock," said fellow first-grade teacher Robyn Medina. "It was like, 'What do we do next? How can we help?'"

Women generally face a greater burden when they become ill because they typically outlive their spouses. Census figures indicate that two-thirds of the 11 million Americans who have lost their spouses are women. Lacking a spouse, they count on their kids and grandkids to help. Family caregiving has traditionally been the heart of long-term care, with more than 65 million Americans today caring for ill or aging relatives.

Yet the AARP Public Policy Institute reports that 16 percent of frail adults ages 85 and older have no surviving children to help care for them. And by 2040, when the oldest boomers are in their 90s, that number will reach 21 percent. The problem is expected to become more acute, in part because nearly one in five American women today never have children. In the 1970s, only one in 10 women ended their childbearing years without having children.

Hartery, whose aged father often shepherds her to appointments, says she had always considered herself a reserved person and was unaware of the high esteem in which she was held and the extent to which people would help until her cancer diagnosis.

"We just wanted to be there for her," said Kathy Scovill, a kindergarten teacher at the school. "This is a beautiful girl."

Although Scovill's family was afflicted with the flu over the winter holidays, she managed to bring Hartery a home-cooked Christmas dinner.

"It's a sisterhood," said Scovill, of the circle of friends that has embraced and upheld Hartery throughout her illness, whether driving her to appointments, slathering her with clementines and dark chocolate or just being in constant phone contact.

"The dignity, the class that she brings to the classroom," said Holly Leone, a friend and former teacher at the school. "She is always so calm. She is the type of teacher who could be lying on the floor on her side, giving a lesson, and she would be in total control of that classroom."

And lying down — or finding any comfortable position — has been difficult for Hartery, who has had more than 11 surgeries.

"Sitting has been a huge challenge for me," Hartery said. "I can stand, but not for very long. Walking long distances, bending, up and down, things you take for granted."

Scovill said the women's phone conversations to Hartery have developed a nickname, "40 Questions." The teachers said they have benefited from a lack of discomfort with what Hartery calls "tush conversations."

"I think a man would be embarrassed to say, 'This is what's going on and here's where it is,'" Hartery said. "There's no embarrassment to being sick."

Along the way, Hartery has learned to get beyond her reticence to ask for help.

"We have to find a way to be persistent," says Tracey Genua, another kindergarten teacher. "It's like, 'No I want to help. What can I do?'"

"Nobody likes to be the center of attention," Hartery said. "And all of this has put me at the center of attention. I like to do for people, so it's a flip for me. I would rather be in the background, doing the organizing, with the healthy tush. I feel like I'm much more open to everything now. I also embrace the small moments in life that you often overlook. I discovered I'm a whole lot stronger than I thought I was. I really believe anything is possible, between medicine and my faith and friends. I don't doubt that miracles can happen."

She said he believes she was the recipient of such a miracle after her first regimen of radiation left her with no discernible tumor, for which her doctors had no medical explanation. She has since had several recurrences of the cancer, including two current spots.

Hartery missed the 2010-11 school year but was back last fall and was eager to return as soon as possible.

"No matter what she went through, she was still coming back the next day," Medina said.

"She has been such a testament of love and faith for me," Leone said. "We're praying for her every day."

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ratsmik wrote on Feb 9, 2013 1:34 AM:

" Karen, you are in my prayers.Please try macrobiotic diet. No sugar , no meat. "

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Health

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