Britney Spears: What she did -- and didn't do

September 04, 2009|By Allison Stewart, SPECIAL TO THE TRIBUNE

At one time or another you've probably thought to yourself: "I miss the old Britney Spears -- the head-shaving, tantrum-having, underwear-missing cautionary tale who was briefly under the thrall of a dangerous Svengali and menaced someone with an umbrella that one time. Is that so wrong?"

Yes. Yes, it is. But perfectly understandable! In the 18 months or so since Spears ended her Reign of Crazy, things have been pretty dull in Britneyworld. She released a triple-platinum album (the kinda great "Circus"), launched a sold-out world tour and generally behaved, at least in public, with dull rectitude, to the relief/disappointment of onlookers everywhere.

Britney may currently be on the straight and narrow, but we can't help but notice eerie similarities between her past troubles and those of several other female icons who have also historically triumphed over adversity, public indifference and, in some cases, underpants.

Think you can you tell them apart? It's harder than you think!

ROUND 1: Was it Britney or Christina Aguilera?

A. Had sex for the first time at 14 despite publicly claiming to be a virgin, according to a tell-all book written by her mother

B. A former Mouseketeer whose occasional onstage costume of a military hat and brunet wig makes her look like La Toya Jackson starring in a road-show production of "Sgt. Pepper"

C. A former Mouseketeer who gifted her notorious leather butt-less chaps to Ellen DeGeneres, telling her, "I can get them in your size because I know [these] won't fit

D. Has taken to issuing innocuous tweets, or having minions issue innocuous tweets on her behalf ("Sweden is one of the most beautiful places in the world!")

BRITNEY: A, B, D

CHRISTINA: C

ROUND 2: Was it Britney or Amy Winehouse?

A. Reportedly expressed a desire to reunite with her terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad ex-husband, with whom marriage was an express train to misery and debasement

B. Recently caused pandemonium at the M&M's store in Times Square after tweets hinted at her presence there

C. While under oath, her father explained, "Sometimes she is allowed to use the cell phone, and sometimes she is not."

D. While speaking to the press, her father explained: "If people could see the real [her] ... they would realize she is not in a constant pit of misery, or permanently drug-addled."

BRITNEY: B, C

AMY: A, D

ROUND 3: Was it Britney or Madonna?

A. Ended her flirtation with the Jewish mystical practice Kabbalah with the announcement: "I no longer study Kabbalah. My baby is my religion"

B. Her ex-husband allegedly likened sex with her to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle."

C. The head of the LAPD credited her departure from town with a drop in paparazzi-related crime.

D. Was booed by angry Romanians after her well-meaning, vaguely condescending onstage defense of equal rights for Gypsies

BRITNEY: A, C

MADONNA: B, D

BONUS ROUND: Was it Britney or former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher?

A. Was given the nickname "Iron Lady"

B. Once told an interviewer, "Honestly, I think we should just trust our [leader] in every decision he makes and should just support that, and be faithful in what happens"

C. Liberated the Falkland Islands from Argentine forces in 1982

D. Suggested if she were running things, the country "might have a more coherent fiscal strategy"