June 14, 2011

My dear oppressed peasantry, to think that one short year ago, the Canadians were up in arms against the tyranny of their so-called democracy, an insurrection that was cruelly put down by their “democratically elected” leaders. My revolutionary heart went out to them, as I watched the agents of the democratic despots cart prisoners to a makeshift jail from the comfort of my bullet-proof bubble car. Having descended from the heavens to lead the people of the Independent Republic of Josi, I of course cannot empathize with their plight, but having spent these many years watching the political upheavals of so many lesser nations, I can concoct an emotion vaguely resembling sympathy.

But do not lose heart, revolutionary Canadians! Your Freedom Fighter will not let the fires of reform go unstoked, and allow to pass by an opportunity to form a new government indebted to My Great Display. With this in mind, I have instructed My doom force to work with the rebel Canadians, training them in the urban jungle of Toronto and the grassy countryside of southern Ontario. Come, rebel warriors! Come, wherever you are in that vast nation! Come and enjoy the tutelage of one of the greatest dictatorial minds this world has ever seen! We have weapons caches to make even the fiercest of warriors weep with delight, and the soldiers of the doom force are trained in the best kitchens in Europe, ensuring mess dinners of the highest quality: mousses that caress your tongue like a long-forgotten lover’s touch, wines that cost more than ten dollars, strawberry shortcake for dessert each and every day! Read the rest of this entry »

June 27, 2010

The Canadians are finally rising up against their capitalist oppressors and they are doing it adjacent to the IRJ’s current holdings. While your Resolute and Resolved thoroughly approves of the hard line the oppressing side has drawn in the sand, She does not believe the oppressors can hold for long again such determined peasants. (She is also tired of the drone of helicopters skirting Her airspace.) The revolution has arrived!

I look forward to stepping in to fill the power vacuum and subjecting the Canadians to an iron fist so firm that the revolutionaries will dream fondly of their former overlords. Naturally, once I incorporate the icy tundras of Canada into the IRJ, all these insurgents will be shipped off to one of my many secret detention centres where they will be water-boarded and set to the rack until all thoughts of flaming police vehicles leave their addled minds. Unite, citizens! Today is a day of victory!

March 29, 2010

A question your Ultimate Answer often fields from aspiring autocrats is: how to get started on the path to successful overlord? To be sure, citizens, it is a rocky road, fraught with peril, decent falafel too rarely encountered. But in My infinite wisdom, I have observed some key factors that may prove useful to you in your mad quest for power. However, this information is obviously forbidden to citizens of the Independent Republic of Josi, so upon pain of death, I insist that you peons turn your gaze from this series of dictatorial tips. Any bid for control you make in this Republic is doomed to failure. My people are everywhere.

(Your sister has been working for Me since she was five. I won your cousin over when he was still in the womb. Do not trifle with Me, peasant. Click on to some other Dictator-sanctioned website: either the weather or the fuzzy cat sweater site.)

March 6, 2010

Loyal peons, you may have already heard the distressing news. The Canadians are trying to assassinate your Heart’s Desire. Yes, the Canadians. It is true that they play the innocent ingenue card well, but beneath their polite apologies and gentle doughnut-eating ways is a ferocious lust for power. They will stop at nothing to annex the Independent Republic of Josi and add yet another province to their ever-growing list of territories.

Being of quick mind and supple intelligence, I have long suspected that something evil lay beneath the soft veneer of kindness that the Canadians show the world at large and have thus always insisted on an entourage larger than My usual group of Doom Force soldiers whenever I have visited that dishonourable nation. However, even this protective human shield was not enough to block the nefarious Canadians.

June 20, 2009

The time to rise up is now, minions! Your Whistling Wonder’s every move is being thwarted by twisted moneylenders, bent on keeping a dictator down! Do not hold back, citizens. This is what all those drills were for. Get your gear and take to the financial districts of the world. These people must pay for the insults they have dealt to your Eighth Wonder of the World.

Working hard to keep you in your place as always, I recently shook hands (wearing gloves, of course!) on a large and hard-negotiated sale of arms to the Land of the Rising Sun. But outrage! That country’s banks refuse to recognize My Blinding Light and My True Birthright. They also refuse to transfer money to an overseas bank account. I know some of you are already collapsing to your knees in despair because you have realized that no transfer means no food for you.

Those foreign devils have no idea what they are doing to you; you must come out of the shadows and speak now with one voice, dear peasants. Proceed immediately to your nearest weapons station where you will be armed for an attack on the global financial sector. This war will not be won easily, but with enough of you sacrificial lambs, we might just get the bank transfer we so earnestly desire. Do not be afraid to die for your Saintliest of All and Her Holy Cash Flow.

Peons! The Dictator will allow you the great honour of being seen in the same webspace as Her Almighty Amazingness. Send your pathetic links and Her staff may post it here, making your life complete and leaving you no further reason to live.

But should you somehow manage to continue to live, your Shining Leader also accepts e-mail. Of course, She would never lower herself to reading it, but you can send it to Her here .