I wish I could make things better for you ish_me. It does not always have to be this way. You have time to make the changes and have life go in a different direction for you. Please don't give up on it yet. :hug:

Live for yourself. You can't get by living solely for others. Depression leads us to bashing ourselves. But once it fades, as it has for me, you will open your mind and see that irrational thoughts and feelings were what held you back. But for now know that you are not alone.