I try to be friendly, I feel friendly, but for some reason I keep being a cunt.

You know what I'm talking about.

I can't help myself, tonight I found myself in a pub with a couple from a place and I was very careful in what I said but they left in a huff because I'd patronised them and apparently he'd been a squaddie and he was going to smash my face in.

This resulted in me standing outside a bar in Leeds shouting 'sorry' at a retreating couple.

In (earlier) sober hindsight it occured to me that the aggressive arsehole who took offence at everything I said might actually have been the problem. I go to that pub every Sunday before my last bus home and have had some wonderful chats with lovely people. This guy was just a dick.

And that's the really annoying thing about depression, the first person you always blame is yourself, and it takes quite a long time before you say to yourself 'hang on' and come to your senses as it were.

It's actually quite infuriating being aware of how your mental abberation affects you intellectually on the one hand, while on the other being entirely unable to stop said effect kicking in in the real world.

And no you're not all wankers. Well not in the pejorative sense. I mean we all masturbate. I saw a guy watching porn on his phone on the bus a couple of weeks ago, it was the last bus home and he didn't have his dick out or anything, he was just sitting there watching a gay threesome on his phone. Maybe it was some dating shit. I didn't know so I didn't say anything. He wasn't harming anyone.

I recall in a train overhearing a female discussion about alternative uses of a toothbrush.When I say overhearing I would be deaf not to hear it and looking to see my reaction,I pretended to be concentrating on a crossword and unaware.They may have partly been laughing because it was upside down.

The last guy who lived here was apparently flamboyantly gay, he used to block the toilet with face wipes. When I moved in the only things in the drawers were some crap cutlery and an electric toothbrush with all the bristles cut off. I immediately threw it in the bin.