A bunch of inane cynical rants on gaming and other entertainment by a stereotypical British person, who is so self conscious he has to hide under a pseudonymn called John Smith (or shortened to Jonith.) Also has a fondness for tea.

Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube ChannelRants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Sucker Punch Review part 1

You know those films which make you want to push the Director off of the highest building you can see. Well Sucker Punch is one of those films. In layman’s terms THIS FILM IS AWFUL, IT IS ONE OF THE WORST FILMS EVER. Whoever decided this film would be good must be one idiot, or have a fetish for Rape Fantasies. I hate you Zack Snyder. The film makes no sense, and seems to appeal to the demographic of teenage boys who wank until their cock bleeds, no sane person would enjoy this film until they have their brain removed by mice while high.

The film starts with possibly the most obviously evil man ever. Well he is a step parent, who are somewhere on the evil scale just under the British and above Communists. They may as well have him laugh manically while sat on a swirly chair stroking a cat. At the funeral of the mother of his step daughters (so his wife obviously) he gives that evil look which basically says “haha I will now rape you because your mothers dead, and after tea I will blow up the sun.” He then does that evil tie adjustment thing, not once, but twice, as if we haven’t realised already he is a bigger dick than Lord Voldermort on Viagra. So then we get a scene where he tries to rape these two girls, who we care about less than Hitler, and finally when one of them draws a gun on him, she shoots her sister. What is she, a worse shot than a brain dead James Bond enemy? Hell she’s not even aiming at the rapist, YOUR TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL SORRY FOR A MURDERER, WHAT'S NEXT, MAKING US FEEL SORRY FOR THE EMPORER IN STAR WARS, SAURON, THAT GUY WHO BLEW UP THE EARTH THAT ONE TIME. WHAT THE FUCK! But then again this scene has a much to do with the rest of the story as a monkey disco, so this all doesn’t matter. I HATE YOU ZACK SNYDER.

Well after that scene which tries to be noir but succeeds in the same way that Toy Story succeeded in being a slasher flick she gets sent to a corrupt asylum, because hey, their popping up all other the place nowadays. No he doesn’t take her to the police because she’s a fucking murderer, no he instead sends her to be lobotomised, as that’s what I would think to do if I knew Osama Bin Laden. This leads to the only bit of the film which makes even a little bit of sense and the introduction of Dr Evil a-lot, who leads this girl through the asylum in a scene which I couldn’t give a damn about until she is finally about to be lobotomised. Dum dum dum......

Wait no that’ll be a shit way to end the film, so instead we’ll have her hallucinate a Strip Club instead, how about at the same time we’ll have a pig hallucinate he’s on the death star as hey it fits in with the film as much as anything else. So then we get a scene almost exactly the fucking same as the previous one except 1. She’s being lead through a brothel, not an asylum, and 2. It introduces something which means something to the whole film, even though that thing his MORE FIT GURLS. Yes that's the whole plot of this film, FIT GURLS.

And then we get a dance scene, well it’s a dance scene in the same way that 50 Cent Blood on the Sand is a accurate representation of conflict in the middle east. Instead we actually get another hallucination, just to make this film make even less sense. On a sense o metre this is in line with a toucan smoking pot with Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. She is now teleported to feudal Japan, why you ask? I dunno, perhaps she’s been playing a lot of Shogun 2 while drunk. At this point she gets in a conversation with some guy we are supposed to know about but is in fact more a stranger to us than that guy who stalks you on the way home. This man gives Generic Hot Girl a gun and a samurai sword. All the while this is happening there are three giant samurai guards outside. No, they didn’t just attack her while she was distracted. No all the bad guys in this film are retarded fucks, the equivalent of a Call of Duty enemy on easy, so they just waited.

Then the first one runs up and kicks her, sending her flying through the building, somehow sending her flying back faster than a jet, yet when he hits her with his giant spear thing which looks like he chose to make up for him being less well endowed she just falls to the floor, like Zack Snyders attempts to make characters in this film. At that exact moment she must have taken some extremely strong steroids, as she randomly gains more strength than the hulk and slices the first one like a cucumber in a shredder.After seeing their comrade die, the next two rush her, killing her almost instantly with their brute strength. Well that’s what any sane person would do, but as this world seems to be populated by idiots the 2nd one randomly pulls out a minigun he just happened to have hiding down his pants while the 3rd goes to have a picnic or something. The 2nd wields the Minigun as wildly as George Bush wielded the US army and couldn’t hit a barn door from 5 cm’s away. As he sprays thousands of bullets at her none of them hit and soon she is standing on his neck, where she realises she has a gun and shoots him in the head. Not once, not twice but about 5 times. Who is she, a fucking crazed gunman.... oh.

The third then finishes his picnic and gets killed instantly, as if he had missed Samurai training 101, so that just leaves me with one thing. THIS SCENE PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN A CALL OF DUTY FANBOY WHO THINKS NO SCOPES ARE SKILL. It shows how basically everyone in the film is more retarded than the audience of a Justin Bieber concert. 1st thing the Samurais, I was almost yelling constantly why don’t they just rush her. There were more of them, they were stronger than her and they had weaponry which would make Kim Jong-il wank. But no, that would involve the directors and script writers having more than a single brain cell shared out between them and the character. The other thing which annoyed me in this scene was the fact that she doesn’t use the gun except for one time. Why not, it would have been easier to kill these idiots; especially as they seem like the sort of bad guy who would crap themselves at the site of a water pistol and run off screaming to their mother.