IT'S HISTORY I TELL YOU.

Napoleon was sitting in his living room one fine day in the late 1700's, looking out at the French Countryside. He calmly pondered how many of his comrades had been brutally maimed in Italy by now. "It would totally be awesome if I were the Emperor of France," he thought to himself.

Just then, the telephone rang. Napoleon rushed over and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Hello, monsieur. It is I, Emmanuel Joseph Seiyes."

"Oh, it is just you," muttered a crestfallen Napoleon, who was expecting a call from Ludwig Van Beethoven regarding a pledge of undying loyalty, "I'm a busy man. What do you want?"

"Well, sir, some friends and I were thinking of overthrowing the Constitutional Government of France. I was wondering if you would be willing to join in. Maybe next Thursday?"

"Actually, I was just thinking how nice it would be to rule France! Yes, next Thursday would be terrific! Wait, where did this telephone come from? These devices will not exist for a few decades!"

The receiver promptly exploded in Napoleon's hand.

Napoleon and his motley crew of jolly revolutionaries soon managed to overthrow the government and he, Seiyes and Roger Ducos became the Three Stooges Consuls.

"I want to be the First Consul!" said Seiyes.

Napoleon did not approve of that. he quickly wrote on a piece of paper the words "Napoleon Bonaparte would make an awesome First Consul." The paper was accepted as official documentation and is now known as the Constitution of the year VIII. Two years later, the words "for life" were added to the end of the document.

Napoleon soon discovered that Italy was no longer sending him money. He went there and discovered that Austria had invaded Italy. After re-invading to a certain extent, Napoleon cornered the Austrians and told them to surrender. "We will not surrender!" they cried, "we have Britain on our side and we've decided that you didn't conquer all that land you just conquered.

After a little more bloodshed, the Austrians were more than happy to sign the peace treaty. Napoleon then went home and became President of the French Academy of Sciences. "What a busy day," he thought to himself, "if only I had someone I could force to do all my work while I recover from all the stress of conquering all of Europe." So he made slavery legal again.

This turned out not to be such a good idea when a large group of revolting slaves started the Haitian Revolution. Napoleon's troops were beaten both inside and outside by both Haitian troops and yellow fever. "Hmm," thought Napoleon, "I guess I should sell all this land in the middle of North America, since there's no way I could defend it all."

Napoleon called Thomas Jefferson.

"Sure I'll buy your giant chunk of land in the middle of the continent!" said Jefferson, "I'd say it looks like it's worth about 78 million Francs!"

"But that's only three cents per acre!" replied Napoleon, "that's not very much."

"True, but it's a lot of land."

Napoleon agreed with this, even though it wasn't much of a deal on his part. He hung up the receiver.

"Waitaminit-"

The telephone exploded again.

In 1804, Napoleon found out about a plot to assassinate him. "bring in the man that plotted it!" he declared.

The Duke of Enghien was dragged out before Napoleon.

"I don't like it when people try to kill me! See how you like it!" declared Napoleon.

"I didn't try to kill you," protested the Duke.

"Oh," replied Napoleon, "well, did you ever participate in a plot to overthrow France's government?"

"Yeah, but so did yo-"

"Silence, kill him."

Due to these events, Napoleon decided that it was high time something was done about all this rebellion. He called a cabinet meeting, in which he announced that he "would make a really awesome Emperor of France." This motion was accepted and Napoleon finally became Emperor. He also became King of Italy.

The phone rang.

"Hello?" said Napoleon.

"Hello, Napoleon, this is Ludwig Van Beethoven. I want you to know it was really uncool how you took over France like that. I'm not your friend anymore."

"Oh, that's too bad," replied Napoleon, "wait-"

The phone exploded once again, giving Napoleon stomach cancer, which he died from in 1821.