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I’ve decided to start a project–a lofty project one might say. Someone gave me the idea this summer, but I didn’t think much of it then, but recently the idea settled in the back of my mind like a little ember and has been burning ever since.

My poetry is by no means award-winning, nor will it ever be found next to the likes of Oliver, Angelou or Plath, but in looking back, I’ve realized it has been somewhat prolific. Over the years of my blog I’ve written over 400 poems. 400! 400? I was quite amazed, and pleased with my writing self.

Some, of course, I like better than others; some are a mere silliness and some just bubble forth to lie down hard. But, none-the-less, they all exist in their own right. The thing is: they exist in the world of the internet and nowhere else. And this, recently, has become unsettling to me.

In our ever-changing world, ever unreliable and unpredictable–it seemed a novel and maybe even prudent idea to save these precious thoughts of mine in a more mundane and old-fashioned way–just in case. In case the internet collapses and goes away. Or, maybe even something less dramatic, that someday my kids just run across my journal where these poems are kept, and are stunned by the notions their mother had in her head.

So I have begun to transcribe all these words into a journal. Sure, I could have simply printed them out. But I wanted to wrap myself around them; taste them with my being as I write; re-live them. I feel like a medieval scribe, hunched over my parchment, cup of tea and sunflower seeds, scribbling, scribbling…

And some I read aloud. I close my eyes. Before me is a cushioned room and other poets such as myself, clutching their poems and listening intently as I share. They will be next to speak their truths, bring their gifts to the small group of unknown writers. Here we feel safe.

For no matter who we are or what we write, good or bad, it is a love of words and the joy of weaving them that unites us all.

Note: To rid ourselves of today’s sadness we must seek a moment here and there: in nature, with family and friends, with animals, within transcendence, inside ourselves, creating, in silence…however. Blessed be.

In my experience as a blogger I have been upset and bothered enough to stop only twice. Today was one of those days. Today I felt like I had a Facebook experience honestly, not my usual warm and friendly ‘community’ feeling of the blogging community.

I made the mistake of commenting on a blog recently and was rewarded with a barrage of answers from the blogger, and someone related to her, that was…well, more than I bargained for shall we say. It left me stunned. The thing I commented on actually, if found anywhere else, most likely could have been considered edging very close to a hate statement (in my opinion anyway)–and that is why I commented on it. I said something far more tame than I could have in fact.

In most instances what I saw on the blog, and might have been seen elsewhere, might have been taken down on other sites as offensive. It certainly was to me. But WordPress seems pretty lax about things. They don’t monitor much. And, worse than that, they don’t allow us the ability to block harassing people. So we must endure their comments, no matter how mean they get–self-righteous as these people think they are.

WordPress feels this is an open forum so buck up. Take it. And if you can’t, get out of the game. Make your site private (which can be very tricky).

Well, I guess I understand. But I don’t have to play.

I’ve been thinking for some time about a break anyway. The ideas have been coming hard. One of my favorite bloggers told me maybe to stop writing every day. This seems like a good idea. I just had my five-year anniversary on the site. Five years seems like a good time to try something different. So I may just write when the mood strikes me instead of forcing it all the time, every day.

Sometimes the Universe directs you a certain way. That blogger that won’t go away has directed me. If she won’t go away, then I will–at least now and again. So I say to her: thank you for helping to push me towards this decision that has been hard to make. You tipped me right over the edge…

I’d like to take this time to invite all my readers and followers to feel free to ask me questions or simply wonder about my poems. I’ve had some folks be confused about them or describe themselves as people who don’t generally understand poetry. I suppose I have trouble with most poetry myself.

As I’ve gotten more into writing it, I know it can be quite obscure to others and maybe only makes sense to the poet. But maybe that’s the point. That we all interpret it differently. I’ve decided that’s the beauty of poetry. It’s more like a painting than say an essay which may try to make a particular point more emphatically.

With my poetry, I may get a picture or idea in my head. And many times it may be something that only I may understand to be a truth. Still, the words may resonate because they may create a picture in one’s mind or instill a feeling anyway. This is why I would hope you all will comment anyway without fear that you aren’t ‘getting’ the (my) gist of the poem. It doesn’t matter.

I’m only a novice. It is the joy of the words and the feeling when they make their way into my head like visitor getting off the train at the right station. Sometimes they just keep riding that train and refuse to step on the platform. But on the days they are happy to jump down and into my waiting arms–these are the days I feel rich.

So, remember: don’t worry about asking me who this visitor may be and what they are saying. I understand it may be a language you don’t understand. I will do my best to explain if you want. Or you can tell me what you heard this stranger saying to you…

So my dear and diverse readers in blogging land, I’m going to diverge from my normal protocol (well mostly) and stick my toe into the potentially controversial topic of religion.

Today as most of you know is Easter here in the US. And some of you may also know, because I have mentioned on my blog before, I am not Christian– although I do tend to be a very spiritual (and respectful) person. But there is one thing that I have found over the years perplexing (and maybe slightly tiresome) that I’m going to put out to you all.

Why do people–like almost everybody I bump into–feel compelled to wish me a Happy Easter and assume this has meaning to me? This has been going on for days leading up to today and each time I hear it, I just wonder what they think when they say it. Do they think that I too am Christian and celebrate this particular holiday or is it just something to say instead of: gee, it’s a nice day out?

To me it would seem the more appropriate thing to say might be: Do you celebrate Easter? And then this might open a conversation. Or they could even discuss their Easter plans and say: What a great day for Easter. Then it leaves the other person open to speak of their plans if they have any, or just listen if they don’t.

If someone is a completely different religion, say Jewish, wishing them a Happy Easter, is not particularly relevant to them. At Christmas time these phrases (Merry Christmas!!) happen too, although folks seem sometimes to be a bit more aware and sometimes offer a ‘Happy Holidays’ just in case.

I understand that people aren’t trying to be rude or anything, but it’s more about awareness of ones interactions with people and who they might be. Like the adage: don’t assume. Just because you believe something and it has meaning to you, doesn’t mean it does to someone else (even if it has meaning to a large population). It’s maybe not a big thing really. Just a small politeness. A tiny way to say: hey, I’m me, but maybe you’re you and it’s OK. We can all live here together with our own beliefs, traditions and truths. A way to keep trying to connect our world on a more individual level and not lump everyone into a category. Maybe if we tried this and took the time to get to know each person we met rather than treat them as a reflection of our own insecurities, there wouldn’t be so much hate and fear.

So what if I said to you: Merry Eostre. What would you say and how would you feel? Would you take the time it hear what it means to me? Or will you remain in your own story till the end…??

This is what my co-worker posted on the white board about my birthday today! Happy birthday to me… ha ha, because I’m really 60 today and he likes to be funny. But with me dancing around and that post, plenty of folks knew today was the day that I tipped over into a new decade.

Usually I let these things slide, but since this one seemed fairly monumental to me, I let my mouth rip. I mean, sheesh, I recall feeling like my Grandma was way old when she was in her sixties! And wouldn’t you know, time just plundered on ahead and here I am! How the heck did that happen pray tell?

My high school friends and I have been scratching our heads (and looking in the mirrors) and wondering where all those years went. One of them just sent me a picture of my HS principal/geology teacher. For goodness sake, he’s 91 years old! He looked fantastic mind you, but 91 years old?! That’s nuts!

But even though I went to work, it’s been a great day so far. Some of my co-workers got me gifts….it was amazing and incredibly touching! Man, after 8 years of working at my old job, you had to die for anyone to pay attention. Two gals in the scheduling part of our OR came up behind me (very unusual) and I turned around from my desk. I said: wow, I’m being stalked by schedulers (I really had no idea what was going on). One is pretty serious, so she said: Yup, you made a really big mistake booking a case. My heart was pounding in my chest and I got so upset. Then the said: Happy Birthday, and they gave me the nicest gifts! I was shocked. It was so sweet!! Even my bosses got me something and another wonderful gal who gave me the book the other day.

And as I was leaving a bunch of them chimed in to a rendition of: Happy Birthday to you, you live in the zoo…. I changed it to: I work in the zoo… All in all, very touching. With hugs, fist bumps and all that…. So maybe I’m getting there and work is becoming more and more an accepting place.

On the home front, a huge package from a dear old friend, cards and best of all:

Calls from all three of my wonderful daughters! I even was remembered by someone I’ve been out of contact with for quite some time.

Mom and I will go out tomorrow to dinner too. I’m lucky to have this day, because it’s often a 3 day weekend. Yippee.

Let’s hope it’s a wonderful decade. Better than the last because that one was a bit tough. Now I’m really moving into the crone years: hopefully the wisdom will start to really come, the patience, the contentment and I’ll be walking the right path. Thanks to you all for you continued support on this blogging journey of mine!!

Someone said this to me recently and I thought it was quite interesting and relevant to my life:

“I just try to stay awake and see what comes into my awareness.”

So much of life (mine anyway) can easily get lost in a state of unawareness and a ‘sleepiness’ of the mind. With all the activity and hustle/bustle of the world around us, we can become easily distracted and therefore less focused on what’s right in front of us. And that’s not all really: in our own personal lives we all juggle many difficult issues, or even just responsibilities in general, so it can–at times–simply be overwhelming to stay awake and be aware.

My ADD type of personality too can be focusing on one thing, and then get pulled away by something more interesting, or loud, or colorful. Concentrating on the task at hand, or the person speaking to me can often be a challenge depending on the environment I’m in. Often I feel guilty that I don’t go out on weekends, but I recently realized that my introverted and ADD character simply needs to recharge for the next work week. When I am constantly bombarded, day after day with sensory data and distractions–it’s system overload.

It’s within the quiet moments that I am at my best ‘staying awake’. And in these moments of alertness is when the magic can happen: creativity, peace, insight and clarity. My deep awareness becomes enlightened and I see things more sharply, smell odors more deeply and hear with more resonance.

This blog has helped me to stay awake. Gathering material has helped me to be a seeker, keeping a watchful eye for beauty or curious photos. Listening to things now, I hear them wondering what they mean on a different level. It has awakened another part of me.

Maybe the older we get, the more awake we get–I would hope at least–and the more aware we become to the world around us. We’ve walked among our fellow humans longer so have a wider perspective-or should anyway. Our memory banks are filled with many resources from years of experiencing life.

So now our job is to simply remember not to slumber through life, not to let life’s drag on us keep our eyelids heavy to the world around us. And if they can remain open and seeking, then maybe–hopefully, something interesting will come into our awareness. And this is what brings meaning to our lives.

Once again I’ve made a big decision (and I’m probably driving you fellow bloggers nuts), but I’m giving my notice to resign on Monday. Many of you following me know that I have been unhappy in my current position and actually tried to quit once already. My manager convinced me to try to stay on–which I have for two more months. But, in the end, the place is simply too toxic for me.

That toxicity is carrying over into the rest of my life and I’m having a hard time seeing anything as positive these days. The bullying and negativity that goes on is monumental in this place and is simply dragging me down mentally and physically. It was probably the first time in my long working life where I almost just walked out last night. Man, I was so close….

My own personal sense of responsibility, and a bit of guilt thrown in, has kept me there this long. And the fact that jobs just seem so hard to come by. But there just comes a point where there is no turning back–there will be no convincing me this time! I’m done. Even though there are some good folks there, and some OK days–the anxiety days overshadow them and they obnoxious people are just too loud.

I don’t quite feel like a burden is removed yet. It’s always nerve wracking for me making these decisions, and somewhere deep inside is this voice telling me that somehow it’s my fault it didn’t work. That no job ever seems to work for me and I’ve got some sort of issue. I’m trying hard to combat this little voice in my head–but it’s there lurking.

I’ve already put out bunches of applications and made a inquiries to people I know. And I may consider some sort of nanny work. Anything as long as I don’t have to go back to a place where I am belittled or listen to people complain all day. Ugh. So done with that.

Each day will get easier to cope, and as the clouds dissipate, then hopefully I will see everything with renewed clarity and hope.

Lately I’ve been struggling. Most of you will feel me foolish I’m sure, but I will put it out there none the less, because this is partly why I blog. This is not a pretty uplifting post, so don’t read it if you want happy…

Some of it is where I’m at in my life right now, but a bigger part is simply what is going on around me in the world. It seems I read somewhere, or maybe heard, about people suffering from a sort of depression because of global decay. Maybe I have this cloaking me?

That part I’m sure most of you can relate to…I mean you know about the global decay around us at least. Whether or not it pulls at you is another story. But if you are the least bit human, there have to be some times where you must, like me, just want to put your hands to your ears and say: enough.

Where to begin? Just listing all the awful things going wrong now with our planet and with each other is enough to make me want to crawl into a cave an never come out. And when I remotely think how we are contributing to it all…well, then I actually get physically ill. Yes, I know, I know–I’m supposed to think happy thoughts and be grateful for my life and all. But how can I when there is so much destruction going on around me? Just because it’s not right next to me, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

The simple thing would be to never turn on my radio or look at my computer. Simply stick my head in the sand and make my move to live off in the wild somewhere and not pay attention. Don’t laugh, I’ve thought about this plan. There are many folks planning this life. They are building their shelters, stocking their food and water, (and probably guns)– and preparing…. Preparing for the day when there isn’t much left.

Could it happen in my life time? Surely major changes in my children’s life time. Ugh. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty. What earth did I give them? Is it a dying one?

But the real dilemma for me is how to live now? There are some things that I do that are good, but most things only contribute to the bad stuff. And the older I get, the more I am aware that most people around me don’t seem to notice or care. It is really painful for me. Yes, it’s really pain…if only mental anguish that I should stop everything I’m doing right now, get off this ride and change my life completely. Stop being the hypocrite that I am.

As each day passes, and I get older and older, I hope that someday I will be able to live out a life where I don’t feel a part of the machine. That grinding, chewing, chomping machine that is eating this planet and everything on it, and turning us into zombies.

Hopefully we will wake up from the dead some day and see what we are doing to our Mother, and to each other, before it is too late. Or maybe it already is……