(Closed) FFIL is a serious problem.

I am really struggling with this situation, and there isn’t much I can do about it. Just need to vent. My fiancee’s father is… how do I put this? Not someone I would ever chose to be around. He is an alcoholic, he is a drug addict, he is probably the most selfish, self-centered person I have ever met. He was abusive to her as a child, and even now that she is an adult, he can be verbally abusive at times. Just recently, she had to throw him out of the car while she was driving him somewhere, because of how angry he became after she told him she would not register and insure his new van for him, because he has a suspended license from a DUI and would most likely never pay the insurance. He was screaming, yelling, calling her things I won’t even type here. She threw him out of the car, and he left her a hundreded million (ok, thats an exageration) messages about what a terrible daughter she is, before finally calling her two weeks later and apologizing. Of course, she forgave him, because even after all of this, he is her dad, and she loves him. She has always struggled with telling him “no” about things, and worries all the time that he is going to die (from some type of alcohol or substance related issue) and the last interaction they had would have been a screaming match or her telling him no and him telling her she is a terrible daughter. So she has given in to him countless times. And forgiven him countless times. And when she doesn’t give in, she feels so guilty, and gets so anxious.

It kills me to see this relationship. It kills me to know how he has, and still does, treat her. It is so difficult for me to be around this man and not tell him what I really think of him. And he is going to walk her down the aisle. Not her step-dad, who is actually a caring, loving, supportive man,who loves her like his own daughter. She wants it to be her dad. She still has this part of her that is just hoping and waiting for him to finally step-up and act like a father. I am soooo terrified that he is going to disappoint her on our wedding day. He is going to show up drunk, or late, or create some big dramatic scene. I want to say that I hope he doesn’t show up, but I know that if he doesn’t, that will be all she is thinking about the whole day.

Her dad has made promises to give us money towards the wedding. Two days later, he calls and asks to borrow money, which he never pays back. He tells us one day that he is happy his daughter is happy and doesn’t care that she is marrying a woman. The next week, he is calling her a very nasty word referring to that. One day we go out to dinner and have a perfectly nice time, two weeks later he is making a scene and being loud with us in public. The man is so unpredictable. I don’t want him to ruin our wedding. I don’t want to ask her to cut him off. I just want him to behave, for one day, like a father.

@joyfulgirl9682: Unfortunately, I don’t think you can ask (or assume) he will behave for one day. With any luck, he will. But he sounds too unpredictable like you said. I’m really sorry you and your Fiance are dealing with this toxic person, and I wish her the strength to handle him.

The only thing I can suggest is to do the best you can to distance yourself from him without requesting that she cut him off. Perhaps tell her you are no longer comfortable having dinner with him, visiting with him, or spending time with him due to his behavior. Hopefully she will follow in your footsteps.

If he flakes, maybe you could walk her down the aisle. It would be a really special moment and show that you two will always support each other. Or I’m sure her step dad would fill in if need be. You should encourage her to talk to a therapist about her father so she can accept who he is and not feel guilty/anxious/disappointed when she needs to stand up to him. I think you’re right she’s hoping she can at least have one great father/daughter moment…which is totally understandable…but yes could end in disappointment. All you can really do is be supportive whatever happens : (

Alcoholism and addiction are rampant in my family to include losing more than one immediate family member to it. I’ve been there. Please know that I feel for you, I understand what you are going through, but…I’m gonna speak with tough love from here on out.

First and most important thing – your Fiance (and you if you can) NEED to get to AlAnon asap. It is for family and friends of alcoholics. Your Fiance needs to learn how to stop enabling her dad. She is in the throws of enabling as most family and friends are. Enabling only helps the addict/alcoholic continue their behavior. She is doing the WORST thing possible when she:

“she has given in to him countless times”

“forgiven him countless times”

“when she doesn’t give in, she feels so guilty, and gets so anxious.”

“she forgave him, because even after all of this, he is her dad, and she loves him”

“She has always struggled with telling him “no” about things, and worries all the time that he is going to die “

“She still has this part of her that is just hoping and waiting for him to finally step-up and act like a father”

Basically, she is guilty of loving him. She is enabling his behavior because she doesn’t know any better. Just like most of us have done or did with our alcoholic/addict loved one.

Tough Love Alert: She is hurting him as much as the alcohol. She is doing all the wrong things. She is doing what every loving family member of alcoholics and addicts do. My heart truly hurts for her. I’m not just saying this.

Please please please, get her to go AlAnon right now. Today. I have been down this road, I’ve experienced this pain and I know what I am talking about. I have been in the rehabs to visit, I have been part of the counseling at the rehabs. I have been there.

I have also performed my brother’s eulogy. He was an addict and alcoholic. Strangely enough, outside of my husband and kids, there was never a person on the planet who loved me more than he did. We were insanely close.

Future Father-In-Law has a disease. He CANNOT get up in the morning and decide to be clean and sober. It does not work that way. He has to fall flat and fall hard before he will go to rehab. People who are being enabled do NOT go to rehab. You can yell at him all you want, but he truly has a disease he can’t control and needs treatment and needs lifetime support like AA.

I will tell you this very bluntly – you will NOT see the money for the wedding. It will not happen unless he steals it. If he is always needing to borrow money from you he obviously doesn’t have money for the wedding. To be honest, if you guys see him always borrowing money, why would you accept money from him for a wedding? If he does come up with cash you should be VERY wary of where it came from

That money will not be there – you guys need to plan for that right now.

I’m so sorry for being so blunt. I’m watching another family member kill herself right now. Oh wait, ask her – she isn’t an alcoholic. Yes she is. She has rail thin arms, rail thin legs, and a HUGE hard as a rock belly. Like full term pregnancy big belly. I am as certain as I can be (I’m not a doctor) it is from something called ascites. (Saw this in my brother before he died) 80% of cases of ascites are due to cirrhosis of the liver. Basically fluid leaks into the abdominal cavity due to portal hypertension and lots of other medical terms. She tells our other sister that her doctor says she just needs to eat better and exercise. She is lying. Her belly isn’t flabby and needs exercise, it is rock hard because it is full of fluid.

She has been told that she can be honest and get some help now (she is 55, unmarried, no kids) and work to get her drinking under control and get sober, or she is going to end up dying alone because we will not be there to clean up her mess because she keeps lying and won’t accept her alcoholism. Sound cruel? yes. Would Alanon approve? Yes. Is it the best thing we can do for her? Most definitely and it is very hard and it sucks to watch yet another family member go down this road. We are hoping she hits rock bottom soon and will accept her disease and get help.

You or your Fiance are more than welcome to PM me. I apologize for my bluntness, but there is nothing warm and fuzzy about this disease, how it hurts families, and what familie have to do to deal with it.

@joyfulgirl9682: Oy. Your Fiance needs to get some counseling to help her learn to deal with her Dad and protect herself from him and learn to stop letting him manipulate, bully and dissapoint her. She needs to protect herself by not giving him the power to hurt her – like with your wedding. She shouldn’t ever expect him to come through on promises he makes. She also needs to accept that this is who her father is – alchoholic, addict, user. He’s not going to magically turn into Ward Cleaver.

If she’s going to keep him in her (and by extension your) life, then she needs to learn when to walk way from him and not let her fear of his dying make her decisions for her. Lets face it, even if he did die when things were good between them – she’s still going to have a lifetime of memories of him being cruel and abusive toward her so, really, what difference does it make?

I’ve never dealt with alcoholism, but it sounds like she’s enabling him because she’s afraid of her last conversation with him being a hostile one. The longer she gives in to his (ridiculous) demands, the longer it will take for him to hit rock bottom and realise he needs help. By enabling him, she’s making it that much easier for him to drink himself to death. It would also be irresponsible to pay for his insurance, he has a DUI and a serious problem with alcohol. She did the right thing by refusing, imagine if she had paid for it and then he got in a crash and killed himself/someone else. She could benefit from speaking to AA or a therapist. She needs to realise she’s not responsible for his actions.

Do NOT count on that money for the wedding, I seriously doubt he will come through with it.

@hermom: Don’t apologize, there is no need. Everything you said is 100% true, and I will definitely try to get her to go to AlAnon. We went once, but she didn’t connect with that group (it was all older – like my grandmother older – ladies). We never found another group to try, but I think I will look into it.

I have told her so many times that she is enabling him, that she needs to stand up to him. That she was absolutely right in refusing his demands, telling him he can’t talk to her like that, and kicking him out of the car. I was hopeful that she would draw the line with him after that, and for a little while she did. She said she was going to tell him not to call her until he was telling her that he was in rehab. But, he called her on her birthday, telling her he was sorry and that he just wanted to say Happy Birthday and he loved her. Last year he forgot her birthday, so the fact that he remembered made her call him back.

From what I know, he has been to rehab more than once. Her parents divorced because her mom would no longer put up with his addictions and abuse. She litterally told him that if he went to rehab she would stay with him. He said he would do anything to save their marriage, but ultimately refused to go.

We actually submitted him to the show Intervention at one point, and they responded that he was accepted. But nobody would participate in it. Only FI’s mom agreed. His entire family is also substance addicted, and he has already lost three brothers to liver related issues. But they wouldn’t do it, because they don’t want to deal with their own addictions.

We have no expectation of getting the money from him. It won’t ever happen. I know this. She knows this. Its just so sad that he makes these offers, and I really believe that at the moment he means it. But it will never happen.

He behaved himself very well for her brother’s college graduation recently. He made it the whole day without being inappropriate, or yelling, or making a scene. He was nice, and fatherly, and proud. I can only hope he can do it for one day for our wedding. I have seriously considered NOT having a bar at the wedding because of him and some of her other family members.

Thank you all for your support. I am definitely going to find some AlAnon groups to go to.

@joyfulgirl9682: Whoa-my-goodness. If you can’t find an AlAnon she can connect with does she have insurance that would cover counseling? She desperately needs someone who can teach her to let go. I am incredibly sorry for the situation. Especially the failed chance to go on “Intervention” to get some help. Best of luck to you both.

My father is also a toxic person, which is why he will be nowhere near the reception we are having when we return from our Destination Wedding. He actually called me last night with a guilt trip and he keeps praying for death and us going away to get married is robbing him of all he has left. Us going away has nothing to do with him whatsoever. At all.

Should’ve thought of that before you pushed me away with your selfishness, Daddy-O. I am sorry your fiancee has this type of relationship with her dad – what’s worse is she still has a sense of guilt over it. 🙁