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Topic: What should I have done? (Read 17367 times)

He might have been mentioning so you could tell him which items contained cheese or giving you some indication of why he wouldn't be eating much. The only response needed at that late time would have been "Oh, I was unaware. App one is cheese free and there will be plenty bread and sald, but you'll want to be carefully with the entree and dessert as they both contain cheese."

I am aware that many Italian dishes don't have cheese, however, that's hardly the point. The point is, I had no way of knowing that cheese would be an issue.

And my point is that I don't think people with a cheese intolerance expect every dish is going to have cheese. It's usually pretty easy to work around.

My DH can't eat meat, but we don't usually mention it because he's fine with veggie sides, salad, bread. On one occasion we turned up to find the salad had bacon bits, the potatoes had bacon bits, the stuffing had oyster, the cheese was all on a meat and cheese platter, and we left pretty early that evening. But in his life it's been a problem exactly once, so he's not in the habit of bothering to talk about it in advance even when asked.

I guess Outdoor Girl would label him a jerk for having asked if there was any other cheese available.

I am aware that many Italian dishes don't have cheese, however, that's hardly the point. The point is, I had no way of knowing that cheese would be an issue.

And my point is that I don't think people with a cheese intolerance expect every dish is going to have cheese. It's usually pretty easy to work around.My DH can't eat meat, but we don't usually mention it because he's fine with veggie sides, salad, bread. On one occasion we turned up to find the salad had bacon bits, the potatoes had bacon bits, the stuffing had oyster, the cheese was all on a meat and cheese platter, and we left pretty early that evening. But in his life it's been a problem exactly once, so he's not in the habit of bothering to talk about it in advance even when asked.

I guess Outdoor Girl would label him a jerk for having asked if there was any other cheese available.

Why should the OP have worked around a cheese intolerance when she had no reason to expect such an issue? As was posted in the OP "every person attending said there were no food issues." She was told there were no food issues and she planned her menu according to the information she had gathered.

The guest with the food issue was totally at fault for not speaking up when he was provided the opportunity to do so. OP should not have had to take 15 minutes extra (not something that is always easily achieved at a dinner party) to prepare another entree for someone who chose not to reveal a food allergy/intolerance/aversion when he was specifically asked by the hostess.

To answer the OP's question: Your obligation to serve a meal that would not interfere with any dietary restrictions ended when each guest confirmed that he or she had no food issues.

He might have been mentioning so you could tell him which items contained cheese or giving you some indication of why he wouldn't be eating much. The only response needed at that late time would have been "Oh, I was unaware. App one is cheese free and there will be plenty bread and sald, but you'll want to be carefully with the entree and dessert as they both contain cheese."

This is what I was thinking. Another possible reason he told you was to explain why he might either have to leave relatively quickly after dinner or spend 20 minutes in your bathroom afterward.

OP, what was his tone like when he told you this? Was it expectant, like, "I can't handle much cheese, sooo..." Or was it more like, "I can't handle much cheese - just a heads up." If it's the latter, then he should have better explained why he was telling you this, but it's not something I would cross him off my invite list for.

You don't have to. There's nothing rude about serving only what you planned to. But I would have tried, I think. "Oh, well, I can make you a sandwich or just serve you some fruit for dessert?" I would have offered whatever I had around that wouldn't take me more than five minutes to prepare. It wouldn't have bothered me if he would rather eat children's menu food while everyone else eats my awesome cooking. That probably would make me cross him off the invite list, though.

I'm wondering, if he was given a perfect opportunity to tell me and chose not to, why did he tell me that night? I had no way to start another entree. It never would have been finished in time, and I didn't have ingredients sitting around for another main.

I can boil pasta and heat sauce in about 15 minutes, or maybe he thought you might have left over components that he could eat separately. I can't know what he was thinking, but if he was polite about your refusal why are you so concerned?

Going back to your question, no you didn't have any obligation, but you sound like you are already pretty certain of that fact.

but why should the host have to do that, especially when the question was asked and answered prior to the planning and preparing? when i prepare for a dinner party, i like to have everything set up so i don't have to be standing in the kitchen and [unexpectedly] cooking at the last minute.

like a few PPs, i was thinking that maybe he was giving you a head's up as to why he won't be eating eveyrthing. also, it is possible that he didn't really realize just how much cheese would be involved.

A cheese intolerance. I have a friend with a cheese intolerance. He takes a pill before eating or he eats something else. To me your guest was like someone with a gall bladder problem. They can't eat rich foods, but there are no allergies. Therefore they may skip dessert, but they wouldn't demand a bowl of berries instead. The guest with the intolerance needs to work around the food. He can not assume there will be something there for him because like hysenthlay's husband this dinner party may be the one time the ingredient you can't tolerate is in everything.

You were a gracious host. You asked about allergies ahead of time. When your guest informed you at the party that he couldn't handle cheese, you pointed out the cheese free options. If you invite this guest again you'll won't plan Italian and he'll probably speak up when asked about allergies.

I'm wondering, if he was given a perfect opportunity to tell me and chose not to, why did he tell me that night?

I can boil pasta and heat sauce in about 15 minutes,

but why should the host have to do thatalso, it is possible that he didn't really realize just how much cheese would be involved.

Where did I say she should have? She posed the question almost as if she couldn't imagine how someone could think she'd be able to prepare an option. I was simply explaining why someone might have through that was possible. Many dishes don't take hours to prepare.

I don't think she should have felt forced to do a durn thing. I just don't think her guest was a jerk or terribly rude for asking.

I'm wondering, if he was given a perfect opportunity to tell me and chose not to, why did he tell me that night? I had no way to start another entree. It never would have been finished in time, and I didn't have ingredients sitting around for another main.

Perhaps he wasn't expecting it to be a problem. Maybe he only mentioned it so that, if you noticed he wasn't eating very much, you wouldn't think he didn't like it.

I'm wondering, if he was given a perfect opportunity to tell me and chose not to, why did he tell me that night?

I can boil pasta and heat sauce in about 15 minutes,

but why should the host have to do thatalso, it is possible that he didn't really realize just how much cheese would be involved.

Where did I say she should have? She posed the question almost as if she couldn't imagine how someone could think she'd be able to prepare an option. I was simply explaining why someone might have through that was possible. Many dishes don't take hours to prepare.

I don't think she should have felt forced to do a durn thing. I just don't think her guest was a jerk or terribly rude for asking.

actually, she stated that she didn't have the ingredients to make another main course. i wouldn't have either, since my fridge would probably have been cleaned out in order to store the food for the dinner party. and her guest didn't ask her to do so. he simply told her that he couldn't eat much cheese.

guest had the opportunity to say, before the dinner, "actually, i have to limit the amount of cheese that i eat." the same words he used at the party. i don't think he was a jerk, but if he knows he has this problem, and doesn't speak up when asked, then there's not much that a hostess can do to alleviate the problem at the actual dinner party.

I think if there is something you cannot eat for health reasons (even if it's just one little thing, if it's a health issue, I'd want to know), or a category of things (meat, dairy, grain, etc.) you can't or choose never to eat, then your choice is either to mention it when your host asks OR never mention it. I agree it isn't fair to say "No issues here, looking forward to dinner!" a week in advance and then catch the host alone and whisper "By the way, no X for me!" when there is nothing to be done about it.

If there are foods you don't eat and you choose not to mention it that's okay, simply eat what you can and pass on the rest. It isn't okay, IMO, to ask the host to prepare something extra to accommodate the needs you chose not to mention before.

Edited to answer the OQ - I don't think there was anything you could or should have done. He was mistaken in the way he handled it. Hopefully a meal of salad and bread will encourage him to speak up next time.

This. I think he was rude to spring this on you last minute.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

I think the guest was a snowflake. He was asked AHEAD OF TIME, and said nothing. Clearly, it wasn't an allergy, as the OP mentioned that he ate several dishes with cheese, so it was rude of him to mention it at the party - as he'd already been asked.

Like H's husband, I don't eat meat and I never mention it. It's not an allergy, it's a preference, and I've never had a problem - it would be rather PA of me to bring it up at dinner if I'd been asked beforehand and neglected to mention it.

I would also never expect or ask a hostess to make me something else - nor would I, as a hostess, make a separate entree for someone in this situation.

I think the guest was rude to mention it for three reasons:1. He'd been asked in advance and that would have been the time to mention it.2. This put the hostess in a position of either having to scramble to make something for him at the last minute or end up feeling bad for not having something he could eat.3. He ended up eating the cheesy stuff anyway!

I just can't fathom what he thought he would accomplish by telling the OP at the moment he did. I just don't get it. As a hostess, this would really make me scratch this gentleman off any future guest lists.

Regarding hyzenthlay and her DH leaving a party early because there weren't enough meatless dishes, I find that to be rude. As a hostess, it can really throw things off if people leave too early, unless they had let you know in advance they would have to. I've seen that sort of thing break up a party as one couple leaves and the other guests think that is their cue to leave as well. Even if that doesn't happen, it throws off the dynamic of the party as the host may have been counting on a certain number of guests for a certain amount of time for any number of reasons.

As much as a host has an obligation to make guests feal welcome and comfortable, guests have an obligation in return to do their part to make the party successful. I would count both the comment and unexpectedly leaving early with no explanation as among the no-nos for guests.

I'm wondering, if he was given a perfect opportunity to tell me and chose not to, why did he tell me that night?

I can boil pasta and heat sauce in about 15 minutes,

but why should the host have to do thatalso, it is possible that he didn't really realize just how much cheese would be involved.

Where did I say she should have? She posed the question almost as if she couldn't imagine how someone could think she'd be able to prepare an option. I was simply explaining why someone might have through that was possible. Many dishes don't take hours to prepare.

I don't think she should have felt forced to do a durn thing. I just don't think her guest was a jerk or terribly rude for asking.

I'm wondering, if he was given a perfect opportunity to tell me and chose not to, why did he tell me that night?

I would guess that he never imagined he'd be fed a meal with so much cheese.

I can't eat a whole lot of cheese. I'm not allergic, I don't hate it, I'm not even lactose intolerant -- it just doesn't agree with me. If you'd asked me about allergies and aversions, I would have said nothing because I've never found myself in a situation in which just about every element of the meal had cheese in it and I would have assumed that I wouldn't have to worry about having too much cheese.

Among my friends and family, cheese is used pretty sparingly, the same as cream or other fatty foods.

Had I been a guest at your party, though, I would have just kept my mouth shut and taken one- or two-bite portions of the cheesy foods, a piece of bread, and a small portion of salad, and eaten after I left the party.

I definitely would have gone for a more varied menu in the first place (entertaining new people), but I agree it was rude for him to say something at the party. I sorta understand, because I would not be expecting an entire meal with cheese in it/so few options without one main ingredient, personally. BUT, if I had encountered that, I would have done the best I could (eaten a lot of bread and salad!), left a little early and grabbed some food at home. Sometimes, it just happens this way, and there's not much you can do about it - definitely should not make a big deal of it.

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