Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back!

January 4, 2013JEREMY FEIST

For those of you who weren’t around a couple years back, when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (aka Speidi) were ever present on gossip blogs despite the fact that they did literally nothing, let me sing you the song of their people:

Once upon a time, Heidi and Spencer were on an MTV reality show. They realized they would get more camera time the worse they were, so they spent all their time being terrible, to the point where Spencer actually got kicked off the show for allegedly threatening one of the production crew. Eventually, the show ended and Heidi and Spencer realized being terrible examples of human being only gets you money when you’re on a reality TV show, so they were essentially unhireable. They got a bunch of healing crystals, Heidi got a bunch of plastic surgery, they faked a sex tape, they faked a break-up, a SWAT team was called to their house, and Spencer believed he was Rambo. Eventually, their money dried up and they had to move back into Spencer’s parents house. So for all you teens out there who think you can make it big in reality TV, work hard, dream big, and some day, you too can be unemployable and living in your parents’ house!

All up to speed now? Good. Well, after Heidi and Spencer’s banishment from the realm of the relevant, it seems the British looked at the silicone monstrosity and the pedo-bearded douche and thought, “Sure, let’s encourage this!” And now they’re on Celebrity Big Brother, because the universe is a confusing place, composed mostly of dark matter. From Us Weekly …

“We’ve heard lots of names and seen lots of photos — some of them will be horrifying. It’s going to be hard because I really don’t like other people. I’m ready to get in there. I’m ready to do battle. It’s on,” Pratt, 29, said in pre-taped interview. “We definitely want to win. My game plan is to make everyone just want to quit and leave.” (At one point, the California native also said, “At one time, I definitely felt like we were the most famous people in the world. I love myself, what can I say?”)

Pratt’s comments didn’t sit well with his new housemates, particularly former X Factor contestant Rylan Clark and jockey Frankie Dettori. The two were tasked with deciding who would get to live in the main house and who would live in the dingy basement for a few days. Pratt, 29, and Montag, 26, were ultimately sent below. “They come from L.A. and have all the sunshine,” Clark reasoned. “I come from Essex — it’s mostly rain. I think we should stay.” Pratt replied, “I’m down with going to the basement — it means I don’t have to be with them.”

You have to love how someone can spend all of five minutes with Heidi and Spencer, and immediately come to the decision that Heidi and Spencer should be sequestered off in a dark pit, as far away from humanity as possible. Also hilarious to consider: After Speidi lost all their money, and their home, and everything they earned from being terrible, they talked about how they learned to not be terrible people just so that they could make a dollar. Then someone dangled a buck in front of their faces and Speidi’s first response was to act as terrible as they possibly could. Assholes.