Last Longer In Bed: Ask Dr. Chaves

How To Last Longer in Bed & Other Sex Questions

backdoor loving

Chaves,

My new girlfriend has a thing she likes to do. She has touched me around my butt with her finger and it felt good, but a little weird. She now wants to give me a rim job. I’m a little scared that she keeps upping the ante (what’s next?), but I’m OK with doing this. The problem is that I have a hairy butt and I don’t know what to do? Shave, wax, nothing?

Anonymous

She seems open-minded, so here are some open-minded options. First, I’d ask her what she would like and get her opinion. Let’s be honest: My guess is that you don’t spend much time where the sun don’t shine. Unless you feel strongly, she may have more of an opinion about your butt crack grooming habits. While shaved or trimmed body hair turns on most people, others get aroused by a more natural look. A little fuzz could go a long way for her. By removing the hair, you might also remove some of her psychological turn-on. If she wants hair removal, it could also be erotic to ask if she wants to be included in the process. Many people enjoy either shaving their partner, watching or being a part of the process.

Shaving is less painful, but hair grows back quicker. Waxing is more painful, but the hair takes much longer to grow back. Remember that the anus should be clean (soap and scrub) and rimming can transmit infections. You can use a latex barrier (dental dam) to help protect yourself and your partner. In the end, you’re embracing her open-minded request and you both are showing some good communication.

achieving orgasm

Hi Dr. Chaves,

Since there are so many desensitizing products for men, is there something that increases the stimulus so that I can actually have an orgasm during sex, or is my problem larger than an over-the-counter product can fix? Do you believe I should consult a doctor?

Randy, IL

It could be any of those possibilities. Although a frustrating question for some early ejaculators, delayed ejaculation is an issue that is growing among men. Like most difficulties, there are quick fixes and long-term helpers. One suggestion is to try a warming lube. For many men, this stimulates the blood flow, increases sensation for heightened arousal and can lead to more pleasure and quicker orgasm. Test it out in small quantities on your arm or base of the penis, and see how your penis reacts.

It could also be an issue of mental arousal and negative self-fulfilling feedback loops (you think it will last too long, therefore it does). Sexually, are you engaging in behaviors that truly turn you on? Sometimes we keep our true desires inside because of fear or social judgment. For others, the concerns may be more deeply rooted. A therapist might ask if the problem has been a lifelong issue or if it occurred as a result of a negative event, such as a bad sexual experience or a trauma, or if it might be linked to a mental health issue like depression or anxiety. I would also want to look at your health history, current use of medications, and refer you to an MD for testing. In addition, many prescription drugs (who am I kidding — illegal drugs too) have been linked to delayed ejaculation and inhibit orgasm. A lot to look into and rule out, but seeing a doctor and possibly a therapist can be helpful in working toward changing your mind-set about this issue.