October 14, 2010

perspective...so refreshing

Somewhere over the rockies I'm figuring

I've been in the conundrum of seriously studying my mother self I realize for weeks. Goes back to that writing I did on holding myself under the microscope of perfection. So hard on myself I can be. Of late, I've taken myself through the ringer of examination and over-analysis looking for answers on how to be a better mother. Thank goodness I stopped short of doing any statistical analysis for reasons only that I don't get statistics. Ugh, knee deep in looking for the fix, making the hard stuff all better.

I've looked for new ways to parent and respond to the the more challenging ways of my 7 year old almost daily. Yes, I'm admitting this out loud and without feeling sheepish or embarrassed in the name of keepin it real.

Here's what I am finally remembering. There's nothing to figure out or to fix. Nothing. There's just being with this time and space. Being with me and with my delicious girl. When I let go of reacting and believing there's something to fix about myself, I feel free. Peaceful. Perspective I tell you and so refreshing.

I am quite sure I am not alone in looking for ways to fix. We want to make something better. Noble huh. Tiring it can be though to strive for the next great moment when we'll get it right, finally. In that, we miss the moments happening right now. Letting go of all the how it should be's and instead being with the what is. Now that's perspective.

As I was up in the air the other morning you know at 35,000 feet I got a little perspective of what it is to be in the journey. How freeing it is to begin to let go of where we 'need' to get to and instead be in this very moment.

There's a vision blooming from all of this. A project I am creating. Stay tuned.