The Rant

Has anyone else noticed that in Memphis over the past month or so at any given time there are many large birds circling in the sky? They look like hawks, buzzards, and vultures, and they are everywhere. The first time I saw them I thought maybe the bubonic plague had returned. It's kind of eerie at times. Is it the heat? Has everyone had about as much of this heat as they can stand? I want to know about the birds. It's driving me crazy, like that wet spot that appeared, disappeared, and reappeared on Peabody Avenue for, oh, the entire 1990s. Are there any birders out there who might be able to chirp in on this one? Someone at least please confirm these sightings so I don't think I'm any crazier than I already am.

Now, this is for my buddy Jerry Swift, who works for this paper. Jerry, I would just call to tell you this, but that seems so old school. I do want to let you know that, according to CNN, "Overseas component suppliers have started rumors of a number of new products coming from Apple in the next year, including a new Apple TV running iOS and powered by AMD Fusion, a 7-inch iPad, a CDMA iPhone, and a new 9.7-inch iPad." I figured you would want to be the first to know about this, as I know how you like to be connected at all times.

And according to informationweek.com, here is some even more exciting news: "The 9300 Curve 3G is nearly identical to the current 85xx series Curve devices from AT&T and T-Mobile. It has a 2 megapixel camera, 802.11b/g/n Wi-Fi, GPS, Bluetooth 2.1, and support for microSD cards up to 32GB. It is smallish, uses an optical trackpad for on-screen navigation, and is the entry-level BlackBerry. The first key feature of the new 9300 is that it supports 3G for the first time on GSM-based networks. The 85xx series Curves were stuck on 2.5G EDGE for wireless data. The 9300 comes in two 3G radio configurations, 800/850/1900/2100MHz for AT&T and 900/1700/2100MHz for T-Mobile. T-Mobile confirmed that the 9300 Curve 3G will be available in the coming weeks."

Does anyone really know what on earth this all means, or are we even on earth anymore? Can anyone actually pronounce the word "application" or has everyone been reduced to saying "app"? Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with all this, but how does this help me find out about something in nature, like the hawks and vultures? Am I going to be able to contact them directly with my 3-G micro-feather animating 42x series birdcall e-mail device?

It seems to me that A) I am getting really old or B) people have way too much time on their hands and should be continuing to search for a cure for male pattern baldness instead of supporting their 31 sector Jimmy-handed series monochromatic domeless teleprompted micro-installed Facebook manager wi-fi poly glitteral flat-faced text-nuanced sub-pocket pad. Can an old hippie not buy a break?

The good news in all this is that my dating life is going to be much easier from now on. I just read a nice, uplifting story about a young couple who are now dating — Scott Kutcher and Amanda Segal. They started dating in March when, during a Jay-Z concert at Madison Square Garden, Scott pulled out his iPhone, opened an app called Skout, and scanned a list of nearby women. A grid of photos showed women who, at that very moment, were within a certain radius of Scott and his GPS-enabled phone. And at the top of that list? Amanda, who was at the same show. He could tell how many feet away from him she was from his location-aware feature, and since she was nearby, he figured he might as well hit on her from across the room. I know: totally romantic. I think a Grindr app might have been involved somehow, too.

And now Scott and Amanda are blissfully dating and are in a monogamous relationship and I find that so wonderful. However, the story never made it clear whether they are actually dating in person. You see, what with his Fun-tilt egobarametic 3-C mega mooner and her Boxd-up broadbanded ecopixal carbonator wire system, they can probably have dinner, conversations, sex, and children without ever actually being in the same city. But at least they can get messages to each other within a millionth of a millisecond. I hope this means that there is hope for me since I don't access eHarmony or match.com.

Jerry, what do you think? Do you think I might get lucky if I get on a Murry Hill 211 xihgieeos app and sizzle up the room with some X-ray lasers to find out if there are any eligible and willing people who might want to go shopping with me for a new telephone cord? Oh, they don't make those anymore? Sorry, I forgot. Why didn't you send me an instant message board Nikon-edged new-model modium-mounted text imprint hustle-bead communiqué about that? Are you not keeping up? Would you please find out about these hawks and send me a quick tweet-tweet? Thanks, Rockin' Robin. Over and out.