Saturday, March 31, 2012

The SLC exams are finally over and I hope our police wallahs will be more prepared next year when they face hundreds or even thousands of angry villagers, pelting stones at them for not letting our great students cheat. Maybe, it would be better if we deploy all our security personnel to guard the SLC exams centres next year. After all, they don’t have much to do except put on a parade at Tundikhel, guard our VVIPs, and sometimes act like local goons.

I don’t think our police wallahs have learnt their lessons yet. You just can’t send 10 men in blue to a remote district and expect them to secure the location. It’s not like Kathmandu where you have thousands of Armed Police Force personnel and their only job is to charge at Valley residents who are not happy with the way their houses have been bulldozed. Let’s cut them some slack…after all, it’s not easy standing outside them foreign embassies, fully armed and chasing away Nepali citizens who think it’s a great spot to take pictures.

Dr Saheb could have done us a favour if he had gone on national television and given a pep talk to all SLC students. Maybe it would have inspired many of our students in them villages and they would have probably asked their parents and teachers not to act like political hoodlums. Because stone pelting and political cadres are like bread and butter ni.

It’s such a shame that our parents and teachers think it’s a good idea to cheat in them exams. Well, half of our public school teachers in remote districts get paid even if they don’t show up anyways. If these teachers had spent their time teaching their students some math theorem then I guess they wouldn’t have to learn ‘stone hurling’ techniques.

And what’s up with the fake examinees? A Maoist CA member must have been either too busy to sit for the exams or he figured it would be as easy as sending someone else to pose as a PLA soldier. Well, I guess it’s much easier to fool UNMIN than our police personnel checking them IDs at the exam centres. We do have a few competent cops hagi? Yes, not all politicians are crooks and not all students cheat but a few of the rotten ones make it hard for everyone else.

I think our TV news channels should send their crews to the SLC exams centres next year, they will probably get better content as they film our ‘parents and teachers going wild’ acting like they are fighting for a noble cause. I think we should ask them ‘stone pelting’ parents and teachers to fight against school shutdowns by our political parties. How come they are not complaining when everybody from trade unions, ethnic fronts, to even a local guy whose chicken got run over, shuts down schools across the country?

Nearly half a million students sat for this year’s SLC exams. Half of them will fail and a few will try again next year while the rest will probably start learning Korean or visit our manpower agencies to find a job somewhere in the Middle East. Not all of us are smarty pants like our Dr Saheb and for those who won’t be doing a PhD in the near future, the government can at least provide vocational trainings. Try finding a plumber, electrician, or a carpenter in Kathmandu.

Instead of trying to get all our young folks to join the army and have a compulsory military service in ‘New Nepal’, why not make it mandatory for all SLC candidates to take a three-month intensive crash course on anything from fish farming to fixing a motorcycle to CPR or something. Any course will do except ‘stone hurling’ and ‘tyre burning’ hai?

The government wants to build ponds in all the villages across the country. It wants to spend billions and launch some kind of a volunteer program. It sounds more fishy than our fish farms selling fresh trout. As always, our political parties will try to get their own cadres and chamchas as we have seen in nearly all youth programs launched by the government. Why not ask our SLC candidates who are now staying home to get involved?

Maybe someone should start a new political party? All those who have sat for the SLC exams can join the party. It doesn’t matter if you have failed to get past the Iron Gate for years. The party will help you to get some training on how to build an iron gate nai. Then at least you can make a decent living building iron gates across the country. It is much better than going around cheating people with false hopes and empty promises.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Our media wallahs should be ashamed of themselves for trying to defame our crown prince and his daddy. I guess our patrakars don’t understand that if it weren’t for our Emperor and his courtiers, a lot of us would have never thought of shutting down schools, businesses and highways just to make our point. We are all empowered now and we all want our rights even though we don’t care a hoot about our responsibilities.

All IT wallahs should be happy that finally a computer operator wants to climb Everest. I think it would be better if we call him a ‘Social Media Specialist’ (SMS) since he uses Facebook more often than an average Nepali picks his nose.

Sherpas are born for it. Our civil servants managed to piggy-back on our Sherpa brothers and did it. So, why can’t our crown prince get some ‘free’ money from the state coffer to get to the top of the world? Yes, it is indeed a noble cause. After all, who wants to take the risk of climbing the world’s tallest mountain when one can just laze around in the city and get a cut of everything from nearly everybody?

And he is only asking for Rs 20 million and that’s like pocket change. We have ‘imaginary’ teachers milking ‘real’ billions of Rupees from the state. Whilethe real warriors are out on the streets, the hired ‘actors’ who masqueraded as PLA soldiers got billions. Well poor fellows, they just didn’t realize they were only going to get peanuts when the checks arrived. So when our cadres, cousins , civil servants, contractors and constitution writers are making billions , why are we so hung up on giving our crown prince millions kya?

The Crown Prince has now decided not to accept the free money because he doesn’t want the tabloids running more stories about his extra-curricular activities. Give the boy a break. Don’t go around snapping pictures when he is exhausted after a Facebook status update binge.

Our Facebook comrade now wants his take to go to the conflict victims rey. I guess it will now go to the same folks who got some dough from the Youth and Small Enterprise Self Employment Fund. As far as we know, none of the youth got any money and those who got it didn’t actually use it to operate a small business.

So how do we raise Rs 20 million for His Red Highness? The old way would be to call up byaparis and demand contributions. And if the designated donors refused to pay then they would have to face paranormal activities. But we are no longer living in the jungle, eating Wai Wai and running around in Goldstar shoes. Most of them ‘thulo’ comrades never really did all that but it makes a good story hagi.

We now live in mahals, drive around in SUVs and prefer expensive bideshi liquors. We have to change the way we raise funds because we are now part of the ‘burger’ crowd rather than the ‘pitho’ crowd we had dreamt of.

I think NepalUnites should organize a Facebook event for our computer operator. Let’s have a party right outside BICC … we can organize a BBQ, call up all our rock stars and even build a temporary climbing wall in the middle of New Baneshwor and the most active Facebook user of Nepal can show us his climbing skills. That’s how you raise funds… the new way or he can learn a thing or two from the Amrikis.

Let’s have a nice fundraising dinner at Hotel Radisson, which seems to be the favorite hangout spot for our comrades. Our FNCCI wallahs can afford Rs 101,000 per plate dinner and they can take pictures with the Crown Prince and get his autograph as well. We would only need around 200 business wallahs to attend the event.

But if every small contractor to local tender don to fake-VAT bill wallahs want to help then we can book the national stadium. We now have floodlights…. we can start the party at 9pm and our Crown Prince can surprise us by running 1,000 laps around the track. It might take him a few days if he doesn’t take a break and he can get himself into the Guinness World Records as well.

The Comrades plan to leave for Everest on March 29. So, we have like four days left before we raise enough to make their trip successful. So time is running out. I don’t see any Facebook event yet. No walkathon or cycle rallies to raise funds and no dinner and dance parties have been scheduled at any of our five star hotels. The easiest way now would be to call up the union wallahs and ask them to pitch in. After all they are the only ones who have cash these days and I guess our capitalist-feudalists-imperialists pigs weren’t wrong when they said ‘cash is King!’.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Our football team failed to deliver again and we now have to choose another team to support in the finals of the AFC Challenge Cup. We did try to support Palestine with their statehood but they showed us no mercy on the football field. We could try supporting Turkmenistan or Tajikistan but most of us didn’t know they existed until they arrived in Kathmandu to play some ball.

Philippines is San Miguel and the boxer cum congressman, Manny Dai. If we were to do a poll, most would support the ‘Azkals’ because of Manny Dai hola. If they need some support from Nepali fans, they should invite all our pilots who have had their training in Philippines. We seem to have a quite a lot of them now.

Our safe bet would be on the North Koreans because they have not lost so far and their goalkeeper is having a hard time trying not to fall asleep at his post. I think he should ask his players to shoot the ball towards their own post once in a while just to spice things up.

The only thing we know about the North Koreans is that they have a new kid in town and they like to sell US dollars and Marlboros like the Chinese sell ‘genuine’ Louis Vuitton bags around the world.

We have had many foreigners and especially the EU wallahs telling us what to do. I think it’s about time we invite the ‘young Kim’ to Kathmandu and we can also ask Obama to drop by so that we can try our hand at resolving global conflicts. And who knows, we might get US dollars from the North Koreans instead and we can use that to buy some Wrigley gums from the Amrikis.

Dr Saheb blames his own party members for sabotaging his plans. He knows, and we all know, that he will fail to deliver like the rest of the comrades who have had the opportunity to try organic farming in the Baluwatargarden. It really doesn’t help when your own teammates are busy tackling you and trying to stop you from scoring.

Our national team has a pretty good defence and our midfielders seem to do a pretty good job, but when it comes to our strikers, they seem to forget that their job is to attack and try to shoot the ball towards the goal post instead of passing it backwards.

Our footballers have improved quite a bit since the arrival of the British coach. Well, we can’t seem to score any goals but our players have learned to work as a team and play an attacking game. But if we don’t score then we lose.

Our netas should realise that they can brag about their achievements so far but if they don’t get it right by the end of May then they will be just one of them freeloaders. I guess somebody needs to tell them that they need to work as a team instead of trying to tackle each other and not score any goals at all.

I think our football players seem to be inspired by our ‘visionary’ netas. Our political parties have highly skilled strikers but whenever they get an opportunity to score, they either shoot it wide or blame the opponent for a foul.

Our CA chairman had asked our current emperor to be a ‘Messi’. Messi is one of the best players in the world today, but if he wants to be the greatest, then he has to lift the World Cup trophy. If our Emperor wants to have a park or a college named after him then he would have to give us a ‘constitution’ this May.

Our Emperor likes to dazzle us with his skills. He can come up with more conspiracy theories than the average chiya pasal visitor. He can go on a rant for hours and still come up with funny one-liners that would probably get him hired by some Desi channel.

But instead of passing the ball around and leading the national team (not his club!) to victory, he just wants the ball to himself and probably dreams of scoring a goal like Maradona did with his ‘Hand of God’ in Mexico many years ago.

Football is about team work and so is our Constitution Assembly. Well, our politicians seem to think they are some kind of Roman gladiators. But instead of facing the lion or some other crazy opponent, they would rather let the audience fight each other while they sip tea and crack jokes.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Our ‘visionary’ netas need to take a class or two at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs before they hop on a plane and enjoy their foreign junkets or else they might get stranded at some foreign airport. The Tourism Minister should have taken a sack full of ‘Visit Nepal’ brochures and posters along with him. He could have done us all a favour if he had used his ‘free time’ to distribute them to foreigners at the Abu Dhabi International Airport.

Let us all feel sorry for his personal assistant (PA). PAs run the show here in Nepal. If you are one of them ‘great’ businesswallahs and need to get your file moving then you better make him or her happy or else you might never get to meet the minister for some chiya-paan. And then you can’t make a deal until you get to share a cup of tea and ‘greasy’ snacks with the thulo manchey ni.

The Minister blames his PA. The PA blames the Ministry of Foreign Affairs wallah. And our sarkari hakims are probably falling off their chairs and having a ball hola. The mantri should not be rough with his PA. If he really wants to punish his personal slave then just deport him to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and they can teach him a thing or two about visa notes.

As the bideshis used to say back in the days, “Don’t leave home without it”…better check your passport to make sure you got that visa thing stamped in it kya and for the traveller’s cheques..well our mantris get ‘free’ money from the dhukuti anyway.

An ordinary citizen with a green passport will probably get harassed by our immigration folks at TIA even if one has a genuine visa. If you carry one to Europe or Amrika then they will first try to get some dough out of you, if that fails and they can’t do much then they will bless you like your elders and wish you success as if you will be making a million dollars in your first year in North Amrika.

The Ranas left the building many years ago but they do seem to inspire our netas to act like them when they finally get to the former Rana palaces and play ‘Maharaja’ at their respective ministries. I think they tend to forget that the world has changed quite a bit in the last 60 years. The Shree Teens had their huge entourage when they travelled to Europe. Our mantris may not get the same privilege but they still seem to think that the foreign trips are nothing more than some quality time for his or her own family.

Talking about quality, our minister is not too happy with our media wallahs. He blamed them for making fun of him and is concerned about the quality and accuracy of journalism back home. Well, the bideshis are not that great either. There are no WMDs in Iraq and the late Bin Laden was busy watching ‘Indian Idol’ in Pakistan. At least our patrakars didn’t make up a story about who got on a wrong plane and ended up in Finland or something. Okay, the minister was not detained and maybe he was given the royal treatment at the immigration office but if he is a politician then he should be able to spin the truth ni.

Maybe our mantri was just trying to see if he could get away without a visa like he did at our own international airport. Maybe he was just checking kya. Or he can now give free visas to all UAE residents for treating him so kindly. He finally got his visa and we hope he enjoys a frankfurter while attending the tourism fair in Germany.

The AFC Challenge Cup has begun and we are off to a bad start. The Palestinians beat us 2-0 and maybe it’s about time we let our ‘great’ strikers go home and get some young blood instead. You can’t win a game without scoring goals. Dr Saheb could have helped us to win the match if only he had talked to the Palestinians about how he had supported their bid for statehood at the UN ni. The Palestinians would have gotten all emotional and would have let it slide for once hola.

The Chinese did us a favour by giving Rs 50 million for the maintenance work at Rangasala. They even gave us a 500 kb generator so that we could finally conduct games under the floodlights. They should also have also paid for 5,000 tickets for every game and given it out to passionate football fans who can’t afford the price hike by ANFA. Where are our Student Unions when we really need them?

Friday, March 2, 2012

First of all, let us all pray for the victims of the NOC bomb blast and their families. Our Home Minister is busy preventing political pressures and implementing zero tolerance policy on police corruption that he has no time to formulate security measures to prevent such incidents.

I think our ‘Homie’ has been quite successful in his attempt to reform the police force. He has resisted pressures from other political parties to transfer or promote senior police officials.

Well, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t had fun moving them police wallahs around. He gets to pressure them all by himself, kya.

And yes, our traffic police wallahs are less corrupt nowadays since they get a cut of them traffic violation tickets issued to those who refuse to wear the seatbelts, ignores the overhead bridges or happens to drink a peg of whisky at his friend’s wedding.

Our APF wallahs have already learnt how to make a few dinero from the border checkpoints. Our cops still get free apples from the fruit sellers, free recharge cards from the illegal parking operators and free booze and snacks from the late night joints in town.

Our government would rather spend our dough on their own cadres, contractors and cousins than use some of it to strengthen our intelligence units.

I think our intelligence agents could get more reliable information from the local chiya pasals and bhattis, but thanks to our policewallahs, everybody has stopped drinking after 8pm and most of our chiya pasals don’t have cooking gas to make them special chiyas.

Finally, we have some ‘smart asses’ at NOC who have decided to introduce consumer cards so that we can all get some cooking gas.

Not all NOC employees are corrupt but all of them from peon to the hakims seem to have rich in-laws or come from ‘hunay-khaney’ families. No wonder, all of them employees seem to be loaded.

You and I will get them ‘red card’ rey, and the businesses will get the ‘blue card’ but I think our NOC officials would have done us a favor if they had issued a ‘white’ card to all politicians and hakim sahebs. Then we would have matched the colors of our national flag, ni. Red, White and Blue!

White cards will get our netas cooking gas within 15 minutes of calling the NOC hakims and they don’t even have to pay for it. The national dhukuti will cover it, kya. This is what happens when a bunch of freeloaders get to run the country!

NOC plans to sell them cooking gas at cost price to businesses and the profits will then help them to provide discounts to students and needy families, rey. We all know how the system works.

The real students and needy ones will get nothing while the political chamchas and cousins will get ‘cheaper’ cooking gas.

While we have to stay in line for hours to get a few liters of petrol, our police wallahs and personal assistants of our politicians can just cut the line and fill up their tanks. Talking about personal assistants, let us all feel sorry for Mr. Yadav, the PA to our State Forest Minister.

The fool got caught red-handed while receiving bribe at a restaurant in Anamnagar. Somebody forgot to tell him that our intelligence agents are all busy drinking lemon soda and having chicken chowmein at all them food joints around Singha Durbar. Nobody really gets caught taking bribes in ‘New Nepal.’

He must have really pissed off someone at the Forest Ministry, hola. I guess he forgot the mantra of ghooskhori jadoo! ‘Sharing is caring,’ ki ke bhanchha ni.

Dr. Saheb wants to wrap up the road widening projects in the Valley even though there is no budget or coordination among them NEA, NTC and Sadak Bivag wallahs, rey. Somebody needs to remind our ‘Smarty Pants’ that his job is to wrap up the Peace Process and give us a new Constitution.

Yes, we do have a little bigger (and dustier) roads now and we will have more traffic jams because we, the pedestrians, will now have to compete with all the micros, tyampoos and bikers to get to the other side, kya.

On the bright side, we may have no security (all police wallahs have been deployed to guard our VVIPs and sarkari offices!) and no cooking gas, either, (party palaces and politicians get first priority!) But let’s all be proud and drink some Guinness because we now have the oldest, shortest man on Earth and two adventurers have won an award for being the greatest adventurers of the year.

We can learn a thing or two from Sherpa and Sunuwar. Yes, we don’t need a budget to get things done; but unlike our government agencies, we do need coordination and team work, kya.