I've fogotten about AP!

06-03-2008, 10:50 AM

Hi everyone
I'm new here and so pleased to have come across this forum. I used to have a very attachment parenting basis for my parenting, and felt I had lots of support from forums, LLL meetings etc. But now the eldest is at school and the youngest now weaned and about to start school I feel I have lost all my focus and things have become too "mainstream". In addition I have become worn out and frazzled, and the whole thing is turning into a downhill spiral.

For me, AP was mainly 3 (or 4!) in the bed, extended breast feeding, and slinging, and an attached focus for caring for the kids. Now the kids enjoy sleeping together in their own room, I will not be having any more kids, and the bf and slinging has come to an end, I feel I have lost my focus and my whole attitude is becoming wrong.
Other than the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" I feel I have no guidance or ideas on how to effectively attachment parent older children - although having found this forum I know there is a way......

Can anyone point me in the right direction? I have just realised a lot of the problem of having become demoralised as a mum recently is that I only have contact and links with non-AP mums and their views and emphasis regarding discipline etc are not the same as mine - and although I am not sure where my muddled views lie at the moment I am sure once I have thought around the issues in a more attached way, I will be clearer in my views and goals and feeler happier again.

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i second naomi's book recs. must-reads! as your child gets older, i think the over-arching idea to keep in mind is "RELATIONSHIP". think to yourself, is what i'm about to do going to promote or hinder my relationship w/my child?

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You're right, the dynamics of attachment parenting definitely shift after you're done breastfeeding, baby wearing & cosleeping. It's nice to hear that you are still dedicated to maintaining a connective parenting style, though! It does change after kids outgrow some of the infant & toddler ideals....still possible, just different!

It doesn't look like there are any API groups in the UK, but I second the idea of starting your own. You'll be able to pull together a group of like minded moms in your area, which will help you feel connected & validated in your parenting. To go through the leadership process means reading several GREAT parenting books too! That alone will get you refreshed with attachment parenting again.

And when you start posting announcements for a new AP group, meetings or playgroups, you might be surprised at how many "connected" parents like you come out of the woodwork. Other moms look into what the group is about and realize, hey I fit in here!

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I wanted to say that it is VERY difficult to maintain AP practice while in public school. The structure itself does not lend to respecting children's needs, because everything is to fill the needs of the school in respect to time, learning, etc.

What helped for me was discovering unschooling. It's a style of homeschooling, it has really allowed me to reconnect with my children (which five years of school had really undone) I don't know that it's something that you're interested in, but perhaps being on one of the groups at yahoo would help keep your perspective where you would like it to be.

For me, AP was mainly 3 (or 4!) in the bed, extended breast feeding, and slinging, and an attached focus for caring for the kids. Now the kids enjoy sleeping together in their own room, I will not be having any more kids, and the bf and slinging has come to an end, I feel I have lost my focus and my whole attitude is becoming wrong.

I think that babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping are "tools" to help you connect with your child,Your right, it can be difficult once those tools we relied on are not there. But those are just tools and the relationship you created with your children is still there. Those tools helped you focus on their needs, keep close to them and respond. You can still do that. Attachment parenting is about communicating and interacting with your child with the intent to connect with them with mutual respect and compassion. Its about being responsive and sensitive to their needs, respecting their needs, its everything you did before and can find now!

There is an amazing book by Dr Neufeld called Hold On To Your Kids, its for the school age child and tween, and teen. It gives you an udnerstanding of attachment, why kids need attachment, how to build it or even how to get it back. I also like Nami Aldort's book, Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves.

You have found a place of support here in this forum and I know you can re-discover your attached relationships!

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ahh blueberry...
I can so relate..having lost all of the tools you speak of myself; it is a challenge to stay in the moment with the children and remember that it is all the things everyone before me has posted.
The children get older, lose that baby fat, and start to come into their own and it is easy to forget those AP tools, were just that tools that helped us create such a close connection with our children.
The good news is that we recognize that and our heart strings and natural mama instinct kick in and remind us that something is amiss in our parenting, and hence we search out what we need to get back on the wagon so to speak... hang in there dear mama and all will be well..find your groove and get it back to the peaceful place that feels right in your heart.

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Hi blueberry,
I can really relate to your post as well. I feel like I was such a better AP when I only had one child and now that I have two and they both speak, boy oh boy do I feel detached at times. I find it hard to want to read parenting books because I always forget in the moment how to respond to my kids and that frustrates me more. I have certain triggers it seems and I'm trying to work through those so that the instinctual aspects of my parenting can be heard foremost once again. I do like what one person said earlier about just pausing for a moment to see whether my actions are improving the relationship or causing more distance.

I was actually going to post to this forum to see if it gets easier again once they hit 5. My ds is 4.5 and it's just now seeming as though we are turning a bit of a corner. It may be though because my dh has had more time to be here during the day to help with the boys and so their needs are met more timely than when it's just me at home.

i think the true answer here is, IT DOESN'T. i've asked this questions about many things: marriage, job, parenting, faith, life in general. and i think i've just come to understand that life is always a challenge, no matter where you are in it. accepting this is so much better than just waiting for that moment when it will all come together, the stars align, and you can sit back and breathe, b/c that's just not life. anything worth doing takes great effort.