Fragments of a fading memory

Journal entry 24/12/2017

[6:21]

Woke up earlier today and can’t fall back to sleep. It’s Christmas eve right now, can’t believe it’s a day away from Christmas and we only have a week left until it’s 2018. Time passes by so quickly in a blink of an eye. Having one of those days where I can’t find the will to open my eyes.

[9:03]

Just finished breakfast. It’s a Sunday morning and we all had pies for breakfast. I had a steak and cheese pie and now I have bits of meat stuck between my teeth. Just great haha. On my computer now listening to songs as I’m writing this journal. I should start playing Christmas songs now, right? Not that excited about it because it’s never really someone my family celebrated and I also don’t see how Santa has anything to do with the birth of Jesus. but then again it is a Pagan holiday that Christians took and made it there own. Also, no where in the bible does it say that Jesus was born on Christmas. Yes, happy holidays from me to you haha. Easter is also a Pagan holiday.

[11:52]

Bored and don’t know what to do. Finished reading all the comics and watched all the YouTube videos for now. I want to play a game, but I don’t know what. The only games I play are mobile games and I’m getting a little sick of them. The last time I’ve played a computer game was about a year ago. I miss playing those MMORPGs, but what I don’t like about them is I have to spend a lot of time on them to level up and get to the next town over while trying to build my character. Also, I get bored very easily, so every game that I play, sooner or later I would stop playing them and move on to something else. Kinda like studying and people haha. I can’t do one thing for a long time unless there’s something different and interesting happening every now and then. Sounds like I have some attention deficit disorder or a reincarnation of a cat.

I want to play games. Boards games, card games, puzzles and go on an adventure. I wish I could do the things that happens in books and movies. That’s what I dislike about growing up with fantasy novels and TV shows, makes you have some sort of expectation on life, like happy ever endings and things like magic. I wish it was a little more realistic about what really happens when you grow up, like school, careers and issues in the world. It’s funny that I’m saying this because as a child I was so skeptical. When other kids were talking about believing in God, I was like “who?” and “prove it”. Then there was this one time that a magician came over and we were watching do all these tricks. I was that one kid sitting there watch his every move, trying to decipher his sleight of hand, but I wasn’t that kid who would call him out for lies.

It stuck with me even now. Everything has a logical explanation and a reason for why it happens. “Where there is smoke, there is a fire” was what I live by, but at the same time it also conflicts with my other side that wants to believe there are things like magic, spirits and the many mysteries of the world that cannot be explained my science. I love the idea of living in a fantasy world that is dependent on magic and everything will be alright if you just believe, but I would look at videos of things captured on camera and can’t help but be skeptical. It’s a tough life really, constantly questioning “what if” and washed over with doubt.

[18:36]

Just finished dinner. Spent most of the day looking for things to watch on Netflix. Ended up watching a movie called Scouts guide to the zombie apocalypse. Was an alright movie with some comedy in it. Right now I’m still looking for a TV series to watch. I’ve been watching a Japanese TV Series called Kamen Rider Build and and it’s pretty good. Plan on watching another Kamen Rider series and possibly start on some anime series that I’ve been putting off.

That aside, I’ve been thinking about something for the past hour. Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m in the wrong timeline or the wrong world. Maybe I’m being stupid, but in the most random of times I have some sort of vision that has distinctive features and feels so nostalgic, kind of like looking into the past or memories of a past life. I might be imagining all this, but it just feels right, also like there is a longing to go back. Sounds so silly when I put it into words, but there were so many times I’ve felt like I don’t belong. Maybe that’s just me being a loner and have absolutely no friends and all this is just some defense mechanism haha. This is what happens when you’ve studied psychology and start self diagnosing myself for every little thing, but then my philosopher’s mind is questioning my existence and if everything is just some sort of computer simulation, and I spiral down into existential crisis. Fun times.

[21:49]

Heading to bed now, goodnight.

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