Sorry, Guy, Everyone Knows Your Restaurant Sucks

So I guess by now you’ve cancelled your reservation at Guy’s American Restaurant and Bar, because the cocktails are said to taste like formaldehyde, the rice isn’t rice, but
“an insipid Rice-a-Roni variant,” and the fish tastes like toasted marshmallows. (Wait. It’s the other way around -- the marshmallows taste like fish.)

I quote, of course,
from the now famous (or infamous) New York Times review of Food
Network star Guy Fieri’s new restaurant in Times Square. I can’t believe someone hasn’t shared it with you by now, but if no one has, here’s the rundown: the review starts out
by asking Guy Fieri if he’s ever eaten at his new restaurant, and then asks him a long series of questions about it that builds a sense of snarky wonderment at just how awful the reviewer
thinks the restaurant is. It’s an invisible chair kind of thing. The questions include:

1. "Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the
whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex?"

2. "What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes
Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?"

3. "Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel
Chicken Tenders are?"

In other words, even though it’s 150% negative, it’s the best restaurant review you’ll ever read.

But now I’ll ask a question of my own:
What does this have to do with social media? Since it has been the Times’ most emailed story for three days running, has racked up more than 1,000 comments and been the subject of
endless conversation on Twitter, social media has everything to do with it.

This hit home for me when I saw what Donny Deutsch had to say about the controversy on “The Today Show.”
Directing his comments at Fieri, who was also on set, Deutsch told him how to position his PR debacle: “These critics up here, they eat at chichi places. This is real food for real people.
Enough with the critics, make it the populist movement. This will turn into gold for you, my friend.”

Essentially, it was an attempt at class warfare, pitting all of those sad sacks who
actually come to New York and eat at The Olive Garden (quelle horreur!) vs. snobby New York restaurant critics and the people who love them. But unless real people prefer their French fries
“limp and oil-sogged” and “also served cold”, or simply love “baked Alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it,” gastronomic class warfare
isn’t going to happen. Even tourists, lured by the name, won’t spend money to make Guy Fieri feel better.

But the bigger point is that when content is shared, it has a long shelf
life, not to mention broad reach, and no amount of concocted spin can change that. It lives. We’ll never know just how many people have seen or shared this review. Maybe it’s not as many
as “The Today Show”’s daily average of about five million viewers, but anyone who saw the segment featuring Deutsch, and is thinking of going to the restaurant, is going to look up
the review. Game over.

So where does Guy Fieri go from here? He goes back to the oldest lesson in marketing. He improves the product, and if he wants news of his improved restaurant to go
viral, he invites that reviewer back for an encore.

Donny D. sucked up to Guy Fieri, and as a result, offered the advice that Guy wanted to hear, rather than what needed to be said. The correct response would have been for Guy to close the restaurant that day, and promise to investigate the situation and make the restaurant everything that people would expect from a Guy Fieri experience (regardless of what that is). On reopening, Guy could then justifiably claim his position regarding real food, or however he wants to spin it. This could all have been covered socially, with Guy's team controlling more of the message. The real issue was not the accuracy of the review, or the individual dining experience, but what Guy's brand stands for.

Jonathan, sounds like the restaurant already is "everything that people would expect from a Guy Fieri experience," and Wells knew this full well. He's just going after low-hanging fruit. It was a hack job by Wells and beneath the Times.

Wells knew that his review wouldn't matter one iota to the Times Square crowd. I don't think he was going to after "low hanging fruit." I think he was using the opportunity to write the kind of review that he, in other circumstances, would have had to moderate with the knowledge that his review could do serious harm to restauranteur's financial situation. It's one of the most entertaining restaurant reviews to appear in the Times since Ruth Reichl's review of Le Cirque.

Congrats to Pete Wells for combining a little class warfare (it's in this year) and some made for Twitter snark with a perfectly legit review of what sounds like an awful place. He has worked hard to earn his "I'm just like A A Gill" moment.

This was hardly a hack job. Wells has elsewhere expressed approval & even admiration for what Guy has promoted so effectively on his Triple show, namely, fresh, local ingredients creatively cooked from scratch. That's "what Guy's brand stands for," and it's what Guy has so egregiously betrayed w/ his TS restaurant.