Commander Shepard is a sarcastic lout, with a constant hangover and a nasty chain-smoking habit. For some reason, only he can save the galaxy. He must collect a team of misfits, religious zealots and stereotypes to fight the Reapers...

Commander Shepard, the hero of the Galaxy, the Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre…

Shepard moaned quietly. He tried to open his eyes, but the light hurt them. Where the hell was he? Why was he still in his armor? Who won the Galactic Idol? Had he been drinking cat piss?

"Shepard! Will the Alliance get here in time?" Ashley Williams asked, but then noticed the Commander laying on the floor "What are you doing on the floor?"

"Resting," he muttered, climbing back to his feet.

"What? Now? The ship is blowing up!" Ashley yelled, starting to get angry.

A very loud explosion sounded, and it shook the ship. Ashley only staggered slightly, but Shepard had to fight to stay on his feet.

"So it seems," he still staggered wildly.

"Well, we have to get out of here!"

Shepard sighed "Well, let's go then."

He put on his helmet and started walking forward. It looked more like staggering than walking.

Ashley grabbed him by the shoulder "Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't go. I won't go either!"

Shepard rubbed his forehead in frustration "I'll get him out, you get yourself to the emergency pods."

He was starting to feel sick, and his head hurt terribly. He growled lowly.

"Shepard…" she muttered, lowering her head.

"Just go, damn it," he ordered, and she turned to leave "Wait a sec! You got any cigarettes or aspirin?"

Ashley just snorted, and started to run towards the pods.

"This day just keeps getting better and better," Shepard muttered, as he began to jog towards the cockpit.

The jogging didn't exactly improve his condition, and seeing his crew dead didn't help it either.

"Shit, that guy owed me fifty bucks," he muttered, when he noticed one of his crew mates floating around.

He entered the CIC, and saw a gaping hole on the ceiling. He carefully walked through the area, and entered the cockpit. It was still pressurized, but out of air. Joker was still sitting at his console, mask on, trying to fly the Normandy.

"You made me jog here, asshole! Let's go!" Shepard snapped.

"No! I can still save her! I can save the Normandy! " Joker whimpered.

Everybody's whining was already starting to make Shepard angry, and he'd only been awake for two minutes.

He rubbed his forehead again "You got any aspirin?"

Joker turned his head towards the Commander "What? No!"

"Thought so," Shepard sighed, and punched Joker to the face. He fell to the floor.

"Sorry," Shepard muttered, and lifted Joker on to his shoulder. He jogged to the nearest emergency pod, and tossed Joker inside. He landed on the floor and Shepard could hear his bones breaking.

It made him grimace in disgust "Whoops, the Vrolik thing…"

As he said the words, there was another large explosion, and it sent him flying to the other side of the room. He landed next to the launch button, and he hit it. The last pod was gone now. Before he could think about what that meant, there was again another explosion. It ripped the hull open, and Shepard flew into space.

His suit had many ruptures, and it was depressurizing quickly "Better and better," he muttered.

He was going to die, but that was not the worst of it. The worst of it was, that he was going to die without getting to smoke one cigarette.

Suddenly, he saw one flying towards him. He managed to grab it, but then realized that there was no way he could smoke it. He tossed the cigarette away in frustration, when some debris hit him in the face.

Everything went dark.

Shepard's eyes opened, and he saw a woman standing next to him. She had black hair, blue eyes and large…assets. She wore a black brimmed hat. The hat's brim had corks hanging from it, and the hat's crown had some kind of a teeth-chain around it. Shepard didn't remember anything, something that he had experienced many times, but this time he had woken up next to a good-looking woman…

"Crikey, Shepard's up!" the woman exclaimed.

That didn't sound too good.

"Isn't that what we are trying to do?" a male voice asked, and Shepard heard a loud slap.

A male? This really didn't sound good.

"Go back to your cage, Wilson!" the hat-woman snarled at the voice.

"I hate you!" the voice whimpered.

The woman turned back to Shepard "More sedatives…" she muttered, then gave him a small wave "Ta-ta!"

Everything went dark again.

"Shepard, get up! We're under attack!"

Shepard opened his eyes, and again, the light hurt them. Where the hell was he now? He sat up and felt lots of pain, especially in the head. He managed to stand up, and the speaker spoke again.

"Grab your armor and a pistol from the locker!"

"Just a sec, honey," Shepard muttered, rubbing his forehead. He felt horrible, like being ran over by a krogan on steroids.

"You don't have much time Shepard!"

"How the hell you figure I have time to put on my combat suit?"

"You'll see…"

Shepard walked to the locker, and as he touched it, the suit appeared on him. A pistol had also appeared into his hand.

Well, that was weird.

He squeezed the trigger, but the weapon didn't go off.

"You gave me a broken pistol?"

"It's not broken, it just doesn't have a thermal clip."

A thermal clip? What the hell's that?

Shepard lifted his hands in defeat "You know what? I don't even try anymore. Just tell me where to go."

"Go to the next room then. The guard's dead, and he has a free clip."

"Right," Shepard began walking towards the door.

It opened, and Shepard stepped inside. He saw a clip on the ground, and it flickered weirdly. He bent down to grab it, when it suddenly disappeared, and reappeared into his pocket. He just shrugged, and reloaded the pistol. Somehow he just knew how.

"Why didn't this gun have the clip?"

"I took it off for self-preservation. Everyone hates me here," the woman on the speaker answered.

"Can't imagine why…" Shepard muttered, and entered the next room.

Some kind of robot entered the room, and aimed it's pistol towards Shepard.

"Watch out Shepard, enemies!" the speaker-lady yelled.

The robot began firing, and the rounds hit Shepard's shields.

"I can see that," he snapped and shot the robot to the head casually. It fell down.

"Next room!" the woman ordered.

Shepard did not answer, but merely growled.

He arrived to the next room, and five robots came through the door on the other end.

"More mechs! Take cover, Shepard!"

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered in annoyance, and shot one mech to the head, one to the groin, one to the arm and the fourth one to the leg. All the four mechs fell down, and the last remaining one exploded from sheer awesomeness.

"Grab...cher…" the woman on the speaker tried to say something, but the radio died.

Shepard frowned "Grab Cher? Isn't she dead?"

He grabbed the grenade launcher from the next room, and destroyed four mechs with one grenade. Then he took an elevator down, and entered the next room.

A black man was fighting against three mechs on a bridge.

"Stay down bitch!" the man yelled, as he shot one of them.

Shepard sighed and casually shot the two remaining ones. The black man got up, and started walking towards him.