The Japan Trend Shop, purveyors of the most useless, albeit original, products this side of pocket catheters and Magic Bullets, has 6,000 ‘likes’ on Facebook. I’m one of them, but not because I’d buy anything—I just get a chuckle out of thinking they actually sell this stuff. They most certainly have a niche—psychotic Americans with a checkbook.

I’ve often thought a good business plan would be to bottle tap water, add some Blue #2 and sell it as a cleaner that ‘lifts dog vomit and baby poo out of carpets and furniture.” I’d call it America Works, mainly because selling it will keep me from having to. It’d have a money back guarantee— $19.95 (+ $6.95 shipping and handling.) For the few who’d return it I get to keep the S & H, making me a rich man on the $7. And I’d bet I’d get far more people who swear by it—“That stuff got a gallon of dried blood right out of the bathroom carpet!”- J. Arias, Mesa, Ari.

A New Product for Murderers and Houswives Alike!

Beauty Voice Trainer $48

Advertised to give you a “dulcet” voice in minutes a day, this was originally designed, and endorsed, by Yoko Ono who used it prior to her 1970 ear shattering Don’t Worry Kyoko.

Guaranteed to send shivers up the spine and send you scurrying through the liquor cabinet.

Compensated celebrity endorsement by American Idol judges;

“This Voice Trainer really works! But not when it’s in your mouth at auditions. That impresses no one and only leads to a call for Security.”- Mariah Carey

“I shove it in Nikki Minaj’s pie hole all the time.”- Randy Jackson

$32 Eye Warmers

Leave it to Japanese cartoonists—take Alvin from the Chipmunks—give him a gun—a train conductor’s hat—and a bad ‘tude—and you have yet a 3rd remake of The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.

“Stop or ?????!”

Can you imagine wearing these where your eyes really do get cold? The slopes—Antarctica—by the freezer when you can’t find the eight ball you hid for “emergencies”? Rest assured they’ll give you a pair in addition to the straight jacket and restraints while you ‘rest’ on the locked ward.

$446 Pet Evacuation Jacket

Inspired by The Jetsons’ Astro, this space age overcoat “gets pets to safety in fires, earthquakes and other disasters.” I would be curious to see how it manages a Tsunami or mass shooting.

Its nifty handle can help with javelin practice and allows pet owners “one less thing to think about.”

It carries a food bowl, water packs, energy bars for an owner stuck 43 feet under rubble, along with an aromatic oil for “calming panic.”

Options include a cookbook with ingenious recipes for grilling kitty when the energy bars run out, a Bunsen burner, and Klonopin.

$37 Dog Muzzle Quack

If you want to destroy whatever dignity Benji has, this will do it. For an additional charge, you may opt for “The Dolphin” or “Really Pissed Off Grizzly”

This poor dog looks like a baseball bat is in full swing, heading in his direction.

“We’ll just go back to the shelter, thank-you-very-much.”

Shouting Vase $71

This rubber balloon “absorbs screams and shouts”, storing them and “omitting a softer version.”

Isn’t that the same guy who wins all the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contests?

Tell you what, through Jim’s Retread Shop, (manufacturer of America Works) for $29.95 (a $41 savings), I will send you this instead—

It will include, written in indelible black magic marker, any phrase you care for to alert the receiver of your militancy. You’ll be able to say, “I have an M-16” with love! ($5.99 more for “F@ck You” or “You’re F@cking Dead”)

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Jim’s Retread Shop is looking for unique products and designs for sale. We’d love to hear your Facebook ideas on new gimmicks, er, contraptions. Please show us your freshman year woodworking class was good use of your time!