John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Forgiveness is for you, to give you freedom. It is not for the person(s) who hurt you. (Published 11/08/16)

Q:

How can I move on after my brother abused me 28 years ago? None of my brothers, nor my mother believe me. They say that I must let it go, and if it really happened, I have to forgive him and forget the issue.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Rosalia,

Thanks for your note and question.

One of the tragic misconceptions related to forgiveness is the odd idea that we can “forgive but not forget.”

It's odd because it’s not possible to forget. Until or unless you get Alzheimer’s, you are never going to forget what your brother did to you; nor are you going to forget that your mom and other brothers didn’t and don’t believe you.

The first thing you have to become clear with is the idea that you are going to change those people and have them believe what you’ve told them. The work you need to do to get yourself out of emotional jail is personal to you and for you, and they are not the people who can or will help you.

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult concepts for people to understand and activate, but it is only one part of the unfinished business between you and your brother who harmed you, and between you and those who didn’t/don’t believe you.

Basically, the key is realizing that forgiveness is for you; it is not for the person or persons who hurt you. We explain the action of forgiveness in detail in The Grief Recovery Handbook. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of the book, and start doing the work it outlines. Don’t jump to the forgiveness section – follow the book in sequence.

We know that the only way for any of us to get out of emotional jail is to forgive those who harmed us – but please understand that forgiveness is a personal and private action, not one you share with the perpetrator. As you read about it in the Handbook, you’ll get a clearer idea of how it works.