In-form off-spinner Graeme Swann, being attended to here by the Hugo Boss tailor, is the high-energy clown of the team. “I've always found a direct correlation between being happy and playing better cricket,” he says

Hard-hitting wicketkeeper Matt Prior, pictured adjusting captain Andrew Strauss's tie, believes the key to the Ashes is taking it to the Australians. “We know the conditions,” he says. “English conditions. We’re at home. Our tracks, our turf. Using that will be a definite advantage”

New boy Ravi Bopara, helped into his suit by the Hugo Boss tailor, is rated by team-mates as the most naturally gifted in the side. “I wasn't really that into Test cricket in 2005,” he says. “It was too boring. Before that series I'd only watch the Test highlights”

With his boy-band looks, 6ft 6in quick Stuart Broad is the teen pin-up of the side. “If he had a pair of breasts, I'd fancy him too,” says an anonymous off-spinner. “But generally I just want to punch him in the face. But you can't reach.”