A place of peace and safety. A place where the temperature is just right and there is no fear. Just hope, healing, happiness, honesty, a small ocean of tears, and a good laugh once in awhile. ;)

Monday, May 10, 2010

*ME*

It was a good week for music and me. We've taken a break quite often over the last year or so. I think I get to a point where all I want is total silence. Sometimes music is too much noise. And then there's times like now when I've needed it. Heaven has been speaking loud and clear to me through music.

My cousin posted a song this week on her facebook page. I had forgotten about it but had never forgotten how much I loved it. One of those songs that was on repeat as I drove on one of my MANY drives up Provo Canyon when I needed to think and try and place my thoughts. I love when you find literature/music/poetry that say's everything you can't. I've learned to open my mouth WIDE in speaking boldly but for a long time I had sooo much I couldn't get out. Volumes of thoughts & feelings AND LOVE that was being stifled simply because I didn't have a place to put them other then my journals...which is why I have almost 30. :) I remember once writing when I was younger, "I wish people loved me as much as I love them." And I really felt that way...I had so much love in me and I didn't know what to do with it. And then one day I get asked to be a speaker for the church educational system. Um WOW...how do you go from being bottled up to...um...for lack of a more beautiful way of expressing it, spewing all those thoughts and feelings through a microphone? You step up the pulpit and open your mouth with faith in the Lord.

CES was only the beginning for me. It led to many opportunies where I was able to both speak/teach on many subjects in many places. Seven years of speaking in front of large crowds and small classrooms was never forseen by me. I had no idea that THOSE were the avenues that the Lord would ask me to walk through. Like I said, I learned to speak boldly and say things that people are afraid to say, things that I was afraid to say. But when the Lord took me in hand, words came out of my mouth that even I was shocked at and they came out in a way that was almost overwhelming to me. At the end of speaking I would see all these people looking at me, no heads were down and I knew more than ever in my life, my own nothingness and that God could do anything. What I would say did NOT come from me, I was simply the instrument. Most people can attest that I stumble a bit over my words in person. Me telling a story ends up in much laughter because I usually can't get it out right. But when The Lord needed something to be said, it came out with power and emotion. I always wanted to disappear after. I did NOT want credit, attention, or even the emotions both good and bad that came from people. But It was a great season of my life and it really gave me that opportunity to share the feelings of my soul...to share all that love that I so much wanted to give away. I learned about myself, God, life, people, and about my purpose at that time.

So what does this have to do with a song? This song was kind of how I felt before I was able to find my voice. You can be your own worst enemy and sometimes I was. I was way harder on myself then anyone else was. I was full of fear and it kept me from doing things I wanted to. I was kind of stuck inside myself. This song is so perfect in how simple but vulnerable the words are and how she sings them. She starts out singing softly and then it turns into powerful emotion. And thats how it was for me. I truly had to find my voice in this life and at a young age. Then I had to learn how to hone that voice and the emotion that came with it. It's a big leap and takes courage when you learn to stop holding your tongue and be more open. But something remarkable happens with your personal confidence when you do and miracles happen. They happened for me.

The song is called *ME* by Paula Cole. I love this version. Lyrics below.Ps. The last minute of the song she gets a little quirky and adds words to the song I've never heard...at that point I hit stop. ;)Somewhere around 5:20.

I am not the person who is singingI am the silent one insideI am not the one who laughs at people's jokesI just pacify their egosI am not my house, my car, my songsThey are only just stops along my wayI am like the winterI'm a dark cold femaleWith a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

And it's me who is my enemyMe who beats me upMe who makes the monstersMe who strips my confidence