The Utah Jazz Mascot Pulled Off the Quietest Kidnapping of All Time

Who would believe that the biggest story from the Nuggets vs. Jazz game was a small child getting kidnapped by the Jazz mascot? You mean two incredibly boring, mediocre teams played in basically a meaningless game last night, and the mascot was the highlight of the night? Shocking I know, but let me tell you, this mascot performed this crime to a tee.

During a fast break, rookie Donovan Mitchell was fouled and executed maybe the most flawless windmill dunk that I have ever seen. However, that was the second-most entertaining part of this video, as the Jazz mascot is seen carrying a child slumped over his shoulder as if he is about to be body slammed through the hardwood. I mean the kid looks unconscious as he is being taken away by some man dressed as a bear.

Perhaps the most surprising part of this video is that nobody is really reacting to this. Why isn’t the kid’s parents chasing after their kid? Was this a long con to get rid of the kid? Were they knocked out by the mascot before he kidnapped the boy? Was this the first time the mascot was caught kidnapping. Is the bear finally getting revenge after the whole Goldilocks and the Three Bears breaking and entering? These are questions I need answers to. Nobody in the crowd even stood up or seemed to bat an eye. Instead, “there goes Jazzy Bear stealing another kid again.” Utah really swept this one under the rug.

Conspiracy theory time. The mascot was ordered by the Jazz higher-ups to steal a child to replace Gordon Hayward. They are going to lock him up in Utah, hit him with the old Men In Black Memory Loss Flash, and have him raised by the mascot himself. No, not the guy in the costume, I’m talking about the bear. The bear is going to train the kid to play basketball harder than Lavar Ball does to his kids until he is old enough to play for the Jazz. Years later, we could see Utah Jazz phenom, Jordan Haywood dominate the league. Hey, it’s a shot in the dark, but does anyone really know what happens in Utah? Seems extreme, but when you see Haywood dropping quadruple doubles on a nightly basis, you heard it here first.

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