Men & Masculinity

True masculinity is something that seems to be very rare these days. As I work with men I daily, I can clearly see how many suffer problems related to the lack of masculine energy in their being.

In today's world our our Men are turning more feminine and women are turning more masculine. Why is it so? One of the main reasons is that many men grow up without the presence of a healthy male role model. Many fathers are either emotionally or physically absent from the lives of their children and women do most of the work when it comes to raising children. Oftentimes boys only see their father as the feeder of the family who lacks either time or interest to do something with them. Usually in childhood there’s not enough understanding to see how taking care of the family can also be a form of love. Boys grow up with their mothers, grandmothers, nannies and sisters, surrounded mostly by feminine energy. Children copy their parents and learn behavioural patterns from them and their direct environment.

Schools don’t teach masculinity either. The military does teach a bit of masculinity, but not everyone goes there and either way it’s not a good source for complete and healthy masculinity. Discipline and punctuality are two qualities that the military does teach though. On top of that there are many things that our modern culture propagates that bring more feminine energy to men. Most of the food we consume carries feminine i.e. yin-energy, including alcohol, coffee, medications and drugs. Todays’ porn industry weakens masculinity even further as it drives men to ejaculate more and more. The more a man ejaculates the weaker he gets. On another level the porn industry weakens the respectful connection to women as women are often degraded in porn either through literal humiliation or through the attitude that is directed towards women – there’s also no chance of seeing participants engaging in intercourse through the connection of unconditional love in porn. All of this impacts the ways that masculinity evolves in a man.

In summary there are a multitude of things in the daily life of a man that reduce and weaken his masculine energy while there’s an abundance of things that bring forth feminine energy. Some men are born with very strong masculine energy and are mostly unaffected by external conditions while most men are affected quite strongly. The tantric approach looks at the man as vertical energy and the woman as horizontal energy. This is one of the many interpretations of the cross. The woman takes us further in earthly life and the man takes us higher. In ancient spiritual cultures the mans’ obligation was to be involved with spiritual practices and ascend the whole family through that, while the woman took care of earthly matters. Both roles were set and everyone knew their place. In our modern society men aren’t much involved with spiritual practices anymore and at the same time women have become quite active in those matters. My teacher says that men are sleeping at their job. And while this is at least partly true our yoga school had 10 men more than women at a tantric course for the first time in ten years. This was literally a miracle in our schools history and I sincerely hope that more men are starting to awaken.

A masculine man

If men aren’t involved with spirituality anymore then what could a masculine man be like in our modern world? I really like David Deida’s book “The Way of The Superior Man”. This book gives an excellent description in my opinion about what it means for a man to be in his rightful masculine energy. This book is well suited to be mandatory literature for each man. Here I will describe my own understanding of what as a woman recognise to be masculine and what I’ve learned and noticed throughout my years in Tantra. Estonians have a nice expression: “Man by the word, bull by the horn.” A masculine man keeps his word and goes about it correctly. A masculine man does not use words to damage or undermine others and neither does he back down from what he has said. Throwing words just to impress is not his nature. He is always honest both to himself and others. A masculine man is always precise and correct about time. He never lets anyone wait for him and respects both his own time and of others. Treating others with respect is in his nature as well as being kind to everyone. He is respectful towards life as well. A masculine man knows that to be successful one needs to take care of both their internal and external worlds: mind and body. He understands his position as a giver by nature. A masculine man gives without conditions and understands that by giving he gets back the most. He respects, values, loves and admires women. In a relationship he creates for her woman an environment where she feels secure and loved, a place where the woman can create and let her greatest values bloom.

A masculine man is attentive and knows what makes his woman’s soul sing and heart open. He is always present: while conversing, making love or otherwise spending time. Caring for his woman pleases him. A masculine man doesn’t run away from obligations, children or family, but rather dedicates time to them. He knows that feminine energy is one of his life’s greatest values and thus he never takes his partner for granted. His woman’s opinion is important to him, which doesn’t mean that he does exactly as the woman wants but that he is open to the woman’s opinions while making a decision. A masculine man never lets his woman manipulate him and always makes his decisions from love not fear. A masculine man takes responsibility in all the fields in his life. He never puts that responsibility on anyone else but himself. A masculine man knows how to be strong and powerful through his heart – he dares to speak about his feelings and cry when he feels like crying. A woman’s emotions do not scare him, he does not try to suppress them, does not judge them nor run away. He understands that emotions are a part of a woman. A masculine man does not let a woman’s emotions take hold of him and turn him petty. I sincerely believe that when women take responsibility for their femininity and men for their masculinity then our relations will heal, marriages will last longer and there will be much more happy people. When we’re given the role in this life to play Hamlet and at the centre of the performance we decide to play Ophelia then it will create quite a bit of confusion and it won’t be possible to continue the play. We have a certain role to play in our relationships. The women can’t play men because it is not natural to them and vice versa. If we start contradicting our true nature then by the end of it all will be unhappy. And when we are masculine or feminine in its truest sense then we will make ourselves happy as well as everyone around us!