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I was looking through my favorite pharmaceutical company’s recent catalog trying to decide whether I would look better on a hair-growth drug or a weight-loss supplement when I realized I am depressed that I am not depressed.

Then I didn’t think about it for a little while, which made me at least hopeful that I have Adult ADD.

I think something bothers me. Or more accurately – I think, therefore something bothers me. It seems that if there is nothing wrong with you in modern America, something is wrong with you. What is wrong with you? That is the question.

Is it nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of real disease or to succumb to the guilty pressure of jingly advertising? The people selling the snake oil do not care. They just want you to buy their pharmaceutical cure. But first, you need assurance that something bothers you.

That’s why I have been taking prescription-strength cheeseburgers for my high cholesterol. They are safer on my heart than what you can get off the street. And yes, if I am hungry and I see a cheeseburger laying in a puddle of oil and mud, I always eat it. Don’t you?

So I was looking at my yellow toenails and scratching my elbows thinking of all this when in walked my special lady. She smiled at me like she wanted up to four hours of fun right now.

But I hadn’t taken my cheeseburger.

Plus, I was having problems sleeping. For the first time in my adult life, I felt like I belonged. I needed someone to talk to so I joined a group – Cheeseburgers Anonymous.

The most American of all meals is the cheeseburger. Despite our actual dead turkey holiday, the ballpark obsession with the hot dog, and a deep communal love for apple pie, it is the cheeseburger that unites us as a nation.

From sea to shining sea, through the prairies, in the mountains, and by the rivers – even if there is not a fast food joint for miles – we are a cheeseburger nation. We cook them ourselves, or the local diner does. All real Americans love cheeseburgers somehow or other. The right to a free cheeseburger is an implicit part of the American Constitution.

You may think that vegetarians and vegans are not part of cheeseburger nation, but surely they love a cheeseburger lover. “I may not love cheeseburgers, but I love someone who does.” In this way, the cheeseburger unites us all.

Face it, most of us love cheeseburgers. Even crappy fast-food cheeseburgers hit the spot at the right moment. Cheeseburgers, in fact, are spot-hitters in ways that few things in life can hit any spot.

Cheeseburgers are the best things, and the best things in life are free, so free cheeseburgers are the best things in life. I am asking my readers, isn’t it true? Once, Bobby Kennedy noted that some looked at things the way they were and asked why, but he looked at things that never were and asked why not. In that vein, for those who ask why free cheeseburgers, I ask why not free cheeseburgers?