Archive for May 7th, 2007

I know. I’m back. This might be a record for the number of blog posts in one day.

Oh boy. Good news? Bad news?

I was so completely beside myself I decided to make a flurry of calls to psychiatrists this afternoon. During dinner, one called me back and agreed to see me as soon as I was discharged. I asked, just to be clear, no waiting list? Nope, he said. He sounded very nice over phone. We reviewed my laundry list of diagnoses and he said to simply call and we would meet, see if we “liked each other” and then go from there. Okay…

I mentioned this to some of my pals on the ward and they quipped, “What, is he taking you to dinner?” Yes, haha. I felt good about it though and thought…well, maybe he’s actually a decent doctor? Maybe I lucked out? Maybe some good news after all?

So off I go to do some research in attempt to find out more about this fellow and erm…I see that he is affiliated with a group that advocates…how shall I say this…rehabilitative therapy for homosexuality. Or maybe “reorientation therapy?” Yes, that is how one “therapist” has phrased it. So basically, if you don’t want to be gay anymore you can seek therapy for that. And yes, you can change. Well, I suppose that’s possible? I don’t know.

I’ve never tried to go back to being straight. Well, that’s not entirely true? I was with a man for a while years ago but really, I missed women too much so I ended it. So I don’t know what the hell kind of “label” you’d want to stick on me or what this organization would say about me but I don’t really think I was “trying to be straight” or head back into the closet or “reorient” myself at the time. Not at all. If anything, I was bored, lonely, angry, self-destructive, cycling like crazy and self medicating on a regular basis. I really wasn’t thinking “clearly.”

Anyway, I don’t know if he does this or not. The group claims to be open minded and asks everyone to do this on all sides but some of the statements they make…well, okay…I try to be open minded and respectful of debate as well but…oh dear.

One of the best things that they say is that they respect that people that are gay may not want to change and that is fine. But they get pretty right wing (dangerously, in my opinion) and stray into issues of homosexuals as paedophiles (although the data is inconclusive they state) and quote that same-sex lifestyles are “dangerous.” Now, this may be the case for some but let’s not paint us all with the same brush? I mean, shit, I know that “barebacking” is on the rise with men but as a gay woman/lesbian/whatever, I’ve never felt my lifestyle was “dangerous!”

And I don’t really feel comfortable posting the link just in case I actually do go and see this man. Not that I think anyone would be able to find him but…I don’t know. The whole thing is freaking me out enough!

He’s from the UK (originally, presumably?) and I even found a letter he wrote recently that was published in a newspaper there! Granted the story did sound a little wacky but his response was also a little wacky!

Perhaps my sexual orientation will never come up? Or if it does it won’t be an issue as I don’t really care about it and “don’t want to change?” But I’ve seen some things that this guy has said and he’s basically really pissed off some gay advocates. He’s got some strong views about other things too.

*sigh*

I guess I should just try and keep an open mind? I may get some other calls back as well but so far, of the 10-15 I made, from those that I have heard back, the waiting period is six to eight months. Well, I guess if things don’t work out with “potentially, scary, lunatic guy” then I can always sit around and rot for a while to see someone else.

On the lighter side of things I called another psychiatrist and was told that he doesn’t treat ADHD. I said that well, I had an ADD diagnosis but Bipolar was really my primary issue. I was told that he didn’t really treat that either. I asked politely just exactly what it was he treated. The receptionist quietly whispered into the phone: “Sexual Dysfunction.”

Hmmm. Well, I suppose I could add that to my list of problems too if it would get me a shrink?

I just went for tea and I don’t think I drank nearly enough to try and get my head on straight. I came back and spoke to one of my psychiatrists to tell them that their suggestion of a discharge at the end of the week felt like a bomb dropped on my head. I was reassured that nothing was carved in stone and that I would be fully reassessed when I got back from my “pass” tomorrow. Yes, I am to go home again tomorrow.

Must not drink, must not drink, must not drink…

I called my GP. No news from the other psychiatrist. Why is he not returning calls? Why isn’t my friend returning my calls–or well he did but why has he not shown up for a visit like he said he would?

I was told by my GP’s office that they should be arranging for an outpatient psychiatrist for me here. I was told here that my GP should be referring me for an outpatient psychiatrist.

I don’t need this runaround. I have my list of practising physicians that are supposedly accepting new patients so what do I do? I guess start calling them myself and say will you please take me? And if so, what kind of referral do you need? From whom? Can I simply refer myself? I know I can’t. Well, I would surely be surprised if I could but this is getting stupid. I have better things to do than make a whack of phone calls to psychiatrists–like getting well.

Which brings me to my next question. Just how well am I? I can’t figure it out. I was speaking to my nurse today after the whole discharge thing came up and I got pretty riled up about it. I told her that during all of my other hospitalizations I always *knew* when I was ready to leave. I just had a gut feeling about it. Now, I simply don’t know. It’s bizarre.

I’m trying to assess my mental state and at times I feel fine and at others…well, I’m not exactly flying off the wall and really going overboard. True, I am no longer suicidal and I don’t think self harm is a problem. But I’m not happy–certainly not today anyway.

Happiness. Now there’s a word. Or a concept. I know it’s not a constant and certainly not in the world of Bipolar. But more immediately–and I know that hospitals are places where you need to rehabilitate and stay safe not to find “happiness”–but shit…this is so frustrating because I am really torn and I can’t figure out what the hell I’m doing–or need to do! And how I’m feeling! This can be terribly typical of me anyway, even when I am stable but I’ve got to figure this out because again, I can’t stay here forever.

I swear, this is becoming the strangest hospitalization I have ever had. Well, maybe not. They’ve all been different but apart from the ridiculous behaviour of us as patients during #1, this is getting up there.

I don’t even know if this post makes any sense. Nothing is making any sense right now. Confusion abounds.

From The Clash:

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know…

That’s a really dumb quote, I know and terribly predictable but again…not thinking that well at the moment. Brain=mud.

God, can I get motivated enough to start calling psychiatrists now? I suppose that’s one thing I could do during my home visit but time is a factor re: office hours etc… Come on brain! Talk to me!

I just met with my psychiatrists. Oddly enough they didn’t even give a shit that I drank over the weekend. Oh, I forgot to tell all of you that, didn’t I? Actually, I didn’t even tell you anything about my “weekend pass.”

Basically I spent about four hours at my place after a very angst ridden commute, bought a couple of cans of beer on the way to sooth my anxiety once I got there. I then went to the pub as I couldn’t decide if I wanted to take the long ride back to the ward or stay at home–so I thought I’d have another pint and “think about it.” I know, I’m an idiot. Being a binge drinker, this is not smart.

I called ex-boyfriend and he came right over. I ended up staying at his place as I just didn’t know what to do with myself. That was nice of him to offer and at least it was a “safe place.” Not that I felt I was at risk of doing anything or harming myself.

The psychs basically felt I made good progress anyway and want me to try again and actually stay overnight at home on Wednesday, perhaps? AND they are looking to DISCHARGE me…possibly by the end of the week?

I am not sure how I feel about this. Perhaps the alcohol is still getting out of my system (even though my mood didn’t really suffer despite my imbibing more than enough.) I have had shit sleep though as we stayed up until 0400 on the weekend and I continue to do so as my roommate will not stop crying and keeps waking me up at very early hours. I feel bad for her but it’s really messing with my sleep and I am so very tired today. I can not think clearly at all.

I was also asked to call my GP to see if I have an outpatient psychiatrist in place in the one she called. He is affiliated with this hospital. Place. Wherever I am. I think I have mentioned this. I apologize for being repetitive, if so. But it would be nice to have this set up if I’m getting the boot out of here soon.

Needless to say my anxiety is now through the roof. I just went to a group on “Goal Setting,” took some bullshit notes and upon ending, I crumpled up my piece of paper right in front of everyone. Yes, PA is turning into a little asshole in front of whomever will look. This is rather odd behaviour as normally she is a good little girl.

Oh well, at least I talked them into increasing the Lamictal up to 100mg.

I know I can’t stay here forever and that’s not what I’m asking to do. Looks like the baby foal better start getting ready to face the race track?

Alright, now after watching so many YouTube clips to try and find a decent one and hearing this song over and over and over again, I think it’s quite good that I’m safely ensconced on the ward…

Now this is from a show in the UK called Green Wing? I watched some more clips re: this Sue White character. She’s rather something. Is this show funny? It kind of seems like it might be. Or is it really dumb? I guess it might depend on your sense of humour. The clips of the show I watched made me laugh, anyway.