The things Apple won't let you see

July 9, 2013 4:23 PM

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Cover of the premier issue of Sex+Design magazine (I wrote a few pieces for them; they're in the app, too). Think this erotic pic is too racy for everyday, easily terrified Americans? Apple does. This photo was banned from my app. less

Cover of the premier issue of Sex+Design magazine (I wrote a few pieces for them; they're in the app, too). Think this erotic pic is too racy for everyday, easily terrified Americans? Apple does. This photo was ... more

Cover of the premier issue of Sex+Design magazine (I wrote a few... Photo-4895816.65995 - SFGate

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I suppose I could have argued to Apple that this was a pie crust perforator or something. But they're not stupid. And I rave about this thing’s tingling, skin-enhancing, pain/pleasure abilities, which is a little uncommon for cooking utensils. What can you do. less

I suppose I could have argued to Apple that this was a pie crust perforator or something. But they're not stupid. And I rave about this thing’s tingling, skin-enhancing, pain/pleasure abilities, which is a ... more

I suppose I could have argued to Apple that this was a pie crust... Photo-4895817.65995 - SFGate

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Just a harmless screen grab from a very popular 2005 UK documentary on sex and pleasure, available to the world in its entirely on YouTube and elsewhere. I discuss the film in the app. It appeared on the BBC. It appears on YouTube. But link to it in your iPhone? No way.
I had to zap the link and point you to Google instead to find it. Sheesh less

Just a harmless screen grab from a very popular 2005 UK documentary on sex and pleasure, available to the world in its entirely on YouTube and elsewhere. I discuss the film in the app. It appeared on the BBC. ... more

Just a harmless screen grab from a very popular 2005 UK documentary... Photo-4895818.65995 - SFGate

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Like GoodVibes, the logo wasn't the problem. The live link to Babeland.com was. It's now spelled out in the app as "babeland dot com." So cute. So WTF.

Like GoodVibes, the logo wasn't the problem. The live link to Babeland.com was. It's now spelled out in the app as "babeland dot com." So cute. So WTF.

Like GoodVibes, the logo wasn't the problem. The live link to... Photo-4895819.65995 - SFGate

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When Hipstamatic meets gemstone plugs. This sweet, tender photo wasn't allowed by Apple. So much for being a tiny bit artsy.

When Hipstamatic meets gemstone plugs. This sweet, tender photo wasn't allowed by Apple. So much for being a tiny bit artsy.

This image was fine. It was the live link to the mild, innocuous GoodVibes site that had to be zapped. They're all spelled out now. "Goodvibes dot com." Because who knows.

This image was fine. It was the live link to the mild, innocuous GoodVibes site that had to be zapped. They're all spelled out now. "Goodvibes dot com." Because who knows.

This image was fine. It was the live link to the mild, innocuous... Photo-4895821.65995 - SFGate

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Sure sure, a little racy. It's the cover to a fun, hardcore edu-porn movie, after all. Then again, it was just a tiny thumbnail. No nudity or whatnot. The cover pic had to be removed from the app (but the word "handjob" made the cut, in my review). Oh well. less

Sure sure, a little racy. It's the cover to a fun, hardcore edu-porn movie, after all. Then again, it was just a tiny thumbnail. No nudity or whatnot. The cover pic had to be removed from the app (but the word ... more

Come on, really? Even this? The beloved Hitachi? Which you can buy at Walgreens and Target and your mom has one for her sore neck and which every 14-year-old girl should be given as a gift/rite of passage into all that is right and good with the world? Sheesh. less

Come on, really? Even this? The beloved Hitachi? Which you can buy at Walgreens and Target and your mom has one for her sore neck and which every 14-year-old girl should be given as a gift/rite of passage into ... more

Come on, really? Even this? The beloved Hitachi? Which you can buy... Photo-4895823.65995 - SFGate

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OK, maybe a bit much. Then again, I not only had to zap the photo, but I even had to un-link the live URL to Divine Interventions' website, too. Silly, no?

OK, maybe a bit much. Then again, I not only had to zap the photo, but I even had to un-link the live URL to Divine Interventions' website, too. Silly, no?

OK, maybe a bit much. Then again, I not only had to zap the photo,... Photo-4895824.65995 - SFGate

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When Hipstamatic meets Pyrex. So lovely. Too bad the photo had to be zapped. But the glowing text review remains. Get the app and see!

When Hipstamatic meets Pyrex. So lovely. Too bad the photo had to be zapped. But the glowing text review remains. Get the app and see!

SportSheets Under the Bed Restraint System! Love these. Gave them as a gift a number of times. But that box cover/product shot? Too much for your grandma, who might be reading my app, thinking it's by that sweet Jon Carroll fellow, only to BOOM, get suddenly handcuffed to a mattress. Poor dear. less

SportSheets Under the Bed Restraint System! Love these. Gave them as a gift a number of times. But that box cover/product shot? Too much for your grandma, who might be reading my app, thinking it's by that ... more

Stretchable ring thingies, handy and fun and easily available on Amazon and elsewhere. If you don't know a thing about sex toys, these just look like weird gummy candy. If you do, how could such a pic offend you? less

Stretchable ring thingies, handy and fun and easily available on Amazon and elsewhere. If you don't know a thing about sex toys, these just look like weird gummy candy. If you do, how could such a pic offend ... more

Do you know what this is? If you do, you have well above-average kink awareness and there is no possible way this pic could offend you. If you don't, then let's just say it's from a Macy's mannequin they use for modeling gloves. Or something. See? Harmless. less

Do you know what this is? If you do, you have well above-average kink awareness and there is no possible way this pic could offend you. If you don't, then let's just say it's from a Macy's mannequin they use ... more

Do you know what this is? If you do, you have well above-average... Photo-4895828.65995 - SFGate

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The socks! Just a classic American Apparel ad (featuring, yes, a porn star), which I added in connection with an item I wrote in MOAN about a fine Swedish study proving how women orgasm more easily when wearing socks. Awesome. The pic had to go. Can you believe it? less

The socks! Just a classic American Apparel ad (featuring, yes, a porn star), which I added in connection with an item I wrote in MOAN about a fine Swedish study proving how women orgasm more easily when wearing ... more

Nope, not this. The logo wasn't the problem. It was the live links I had pointing to a couple famous, totally outstanding Vice.com articles on oral sex, articles I simply adore and cherish like Jesus cherishes cherry popsicles, that were the problem. I had to zap the links and point you to Google instead. Because the articles are sorta dirty? I guess? less

Nope, not this. The logo wasn't the problem. It was the live links I had pointing to a couple famous, totally outstanding Vice.com articles on oral sex, articles I simply adore and cherish like Jesus cherishes ... more

Nope, not this. The logo wasn't the problem. It was the live... Photo-4895830.65995 - SFGate

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The MOAN section now, nicely revised and still erotically slippery, but now completely devoid of live links, lest your Mormon mother, who will never see this app in a hundred lifetimes, suffer a case of the flustering thighquivers. less

The MOAN section now, nicely revised and still erotically slippery, but now completely devoid of live links, lest your Mormon mother, who will never see this app in a hundred lifetimes, suffer a case of the ... more