Read this gay man’s letter to the family who disowned him and his dad’s hate-filled reply

Read this gay man’s letter to the family who disowned him and his dad’s hate-filled reply

So he wrote them a letter.

I hope this letter finds you well. I love you and miss you dearly. I am writing this letter to tell you about what has happened over the last three years.

Three years ago I came out to you as gay. This was not out of rebellion, malice, or because of the influence of some carnal world. This was the result of years of careful introspection about my life, my feelings, and my happiness. I knew that the result of my coming out would cause a deep and lasting division between myself and my family, which I deeply regret, but I absolutely do not regret my decision to come out to you. I know that nothing I can say will change your minds about this, so I won’t try. Instead I would like to share with you the happiness that I have found.

Three years ago, I met someone who took my breath away. This person was incredibly kind, caring, handsome, and smart. We hung out together with friends for several months, and our friendship grew closer until we were talking to each other every day. We started dating, and I realized that there was something extraordinarily special about this person. I was becoming a better, stronger person as we grew closer. We moved in together one year after we met. Every day, our bond grew stronger. Together we learned how to complement our strengths and weaknesses, and we fell deeper in love. We shared amazing adventures as another year went by. We traveled, found jobs, met and reconnected with family; we grew together as a couple. It didn’t take much longer to realize there was no other person I would rather spend the rest of my life with. A few months ago, B. K. asked me to marry him; I said yes, and ever since, I have been so filled with joy, that I cannot stop smiling.

I do not expect you to approve of my relationship with B. I do not expect you to come to our wedding next year. Maybe someday you would be willing to meet him and reconnect our families, but until then I hope you can wish us happiness and prosperity knowing that when I am with B, I am the best and happiest person I’ve ever been.With Love,B.G.

The writer of the letter has been gracious, generous and understanding with his family. He has already reached out to them and was rejected. They should stay out of his life until they can accept him and his husband for who they are. Enough is enough. No wedding invitation. No communication. Just try to remember what good times there were. I wish this couple all the best that they can find.

I know he is hurt by his parent's reaction to his coming out and I understand the passive/aggressive tone of some of his statements but he should have left the door open to the possibility of growth on the part of his family. Although he starts out on a good foot with telling them that he loves them and misses them dearly, the tone of some of his other statements will only make them dig their heels in deeper.

For example, instead of saying:

"I know that nothing I can say will change your minds about this, so I won’t try." Maybe he should have said that he hopes his story would touch their hearts (it did mine) and help them better understand his love for B. After all, there must be some hope there or else why did he bother to write at all?

Or

"I do not expect you to approve of my relationship with B. I do not expect you to come to our wedding next year. Maybe someday you would be willing to meet him and reconnect our families, but until then I hope you can wish us happiness and prosperity knowing that when I am with B..."

What he could have said: B and I would love to celebrate our special day with you. We hope that you can make it. I know that you will like B. He's a good man.

The underlying tone of the letter is: "Your feelings be damned. I'm going to be happy without you." And I can understand those feelings all to well but it only exacerbates the tension between the two. He shouldn't have told his parents how he expected them to behave but left room for their personal growth. All to often we lock people into certain roles in our relationships and not expect or allow them to grow.

Time soften blows and people do change. Give them the space to do so while physically distancing yourself from their toxicity, which he has smartly done considering the tone of his father's response.

I would have simply responded: I'm sorry you feel that way but it is my name too and I have chosen to share it with the man I love and the little Ethiopian baby we are planning to adopt!

Good son, asshole dad, but dumb reporter. Instead of wishing him an "amazing" - what exactly does that overused adjective even mean anymore? - wedding, how about just some sincere wishes for a joyous and long-lasting marriage?

paulflexes saidIt woulda been funny if B.G. would have wrote "Well, since you want your name to die with you, is there anything I can do to help speed up the process? The sooner the better, ya know."

"MGINSD said

Good son, asshole dad, but dumb reporter. Instead of wishing him an "amazing" - what exactly does that overused adjective even mean anymore? - wedding, how about just some sincere wishes for a joyous and long-lasting marriage?

I understand and agree with both comments. How much pain and suffering does B.G. have to endure? I think if his family ever came around to accepting him and his husband, that B.G. would welcome that. But is he required to keep enduring their wrath? I don't think so. It's like his family have all died and he has his life to live without them.

paulflexes saidIt woulda been funny if B.G. would have wrote "Well, since you want your name to die with you, is there anything I can do to help speed up the process? The sooner the better, ya know."

"MGINSD said

Good son, asshole dad, but dumb reporter. Instead of wishing him an "amazing" - what exactly does that overused adjective even mean anymore? - wedding, how about just some sincere wishes for a joyous and long-lasting marriage?

I understand and agree with both comments. How much pain and suffering does B.G. have to endure? I think if his family ever came around to accepting him and his husband, that B.G. would welcome that. But is he required to keep enduring their wrath? I don't think so. It's like his family have all died and he has his life to live without them.

Of course not, no self sufficient adult child, living on their own, taking care of their own responsibilities should ever have to endure pain and suffering (emotional, physical, or psychological) at the hands of a parent or anyone. Breaking the old parent/child bonds and establishing new adult parent/adult child bonds is the first step in a healthy relationship between parents and adult children.

Gay people get to choose our family.. in the sense that we end up often having to find new families if we're not accepted in our own.. This person seems to have done that, but longs for something better with his natural parents.. I can imagine it would be difficult, but at the same time it will just cause him pain in the future unless he steps away and breaks off contact.. let them come to him.. he's done enough already..

Whomever wrote this letter is truly an amazing (in the truest sense in the word) human being. How fortunate for both he and his future husband to have found one another. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the whole of our community were to be so fortunate? Thank you, Metta8, for sharing.

The people who are your support system should be the people you consider your family. If those people happen to be biologically related to you... Congratulations, you are truly blessed. If they are people unrelated to you who learned to love you... Congratulations, you are truly blessed.

Don't waste your time on people who are willing to make you feel like shit for the sake of preserving an ideology. A healthy faith and belief system should help them connect with more people, not less.

Oceans_of_Flowers saidAh, living well is the best revenge. And what good is sweet revenge, without a letter to inform them of the well living.

I understand and appreciate UndercoverMan's comment, but the OP may in fact know his parents intimately and know that absolutely nothing would ever change their minds. In such a case, his artfully worded letter basically tell them to f*** off so elegantly they may not realize it in their sanctimoniousness. Therefore, I expect it did him good to write it. And after all, it is the parents who have to realize they need to change, and then to change, and then to tell their son that they were wrong, apologize to him, beg forgiveness, and hope he grants it. Given their attitudes, I doubt that writing the letter with "hoping they would change" language would make much difference in the outcome.

The guy's slamming the door to his parents is understandable. His parents have had three years to come around so although it is possible that they still will, the probability is quite low. Hoping for improvement would result in continual pain and disappointment which is best avoided.

When I was outed at age 20, my parents disowned and disinherited me. In retrospect I think that I'd have been better off just writing them off until they came around. Every letter I received was like a knife reopening wounds. They did come around after a few months and it wasn't until many years later that I learned why. A doctor and his wife were friends of the family. They told my parents that they had been much too harsh and managed to change their attitude. Had it not been for them, perhaps nothing would ever have changed.