I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Flexible business ethics enable sales, corruption and compliance

Comrade Carl called me "First Lady of HR"

Comrade Carl Marks (R&D chief) addressed the leadership
team today about “what needs to be done to flood the market with our technology”.

I could have sworn that I saw Comrade Carl smoking a joint
in the parking lot before the leadership meeting started, but the moment that I
took out my Blackberry Passport and tried to take a photo, I received a text that distracted me.

Comrade Carl said that “ethics and compliance are two-faced
concepts of the rich aristocracy and the western worldruling elite. Kibinimat,
our product is a pearl! All you need is to give each salesman few envelopes each with a thousand dollars
(he said rubles) and you can get deals in Indonesia, China, Mother Russia, Turkey, Mexico, Israel, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Qatar and many
another banana republics and remote Pacific islands, where thevalue of our technology is appreciated.
All we need to do is find the slimy agents and corrupt government officials."

Then Comrade Carl continued, “all we need to do is two
things: appoint me as Head of Sales and ask the ladies of HR to rewrite our
business code of ethics to be more flexible.”

CEO Stan asked Comrade Carl to stop using the word kibinimat all the time. Herr Krebbs was quiet, reading his German newspaper about the welcome influx of 4 million refugees into what he hoped would be Sweden. Herr Krebbs is not a Merkel fan.

Stan asked me what I thought.

“HR business partnership entails removing the people obstacles,
as it were, that prevent work from getting done, in line with our core values.
As you know, one of our core values is compliance, but I can issue "service pack" to
these values within one nanosecond. HR will do everything to
support the business.”

I took out my Blackberry Priv, issued an update to our sacred core value of compliance by text, Skype, Whatsapp, Viber, BBM and Yahoo messenger, and said "voila". That's French. The new sacred ethics code enables sales, corruption and compliance!

Comrade Carl looked at me and I became very worried. He
looked lusty, and he said, "Spasiba, first lady of HR".