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Sunday, December 17, 2006

What If the ACLU Had Existed on Christmas Eve, 0000?

John W. Lillpop

As we Americans struggle to preserve our rich cultural traditions surrounding Christmas, there are times when the struggle seems too hard, the load too heavy.

For example, one wonders if it is worth it upon hearing that another whacked-out liberal judge has determined that the nativity scene is unconstitutional.

The nativity scene is unconstitutional, for heaven’s sake!

Not that long ago, the word unconstitutional was reserved for major injustices that really harmed humanity. For instance, unconstitutional referred to heinous acts like slavery or racial discrimination.

Or what about that rabbi with too much time on his hands who threatened to sue if his religious symbols were not granted equal time and importance to fifteen Christmas trees enjoyed by the overwhelming majority of the public at the Seattle airport? Why would a supposed “man of faith” act to deny so many people the pleasure of seeing a simple, unobtrusive symbol just because the symbol did not represent his particular faith?

How does one confront such narrow-minded, spiteful thinking without going barking mad?

One way is to fantasize what the first Christmas might have been like if liberals and the ACLU had been in charge on the night Jesus was born.

The Christmas story would have been dramatically different:

* Upon entering Bethlehem, Mary and Joseph would have been approached by members of the local Planned Parenthood. Mary would have been encouraged to abort the unborn fetus, and Planned Parenthood would have offered to pay for the procedure with tax money stolen from the Roman government.

* An activist liberal judge in Nazareth would have issued a restraining order to prevent the three wise men from entering the city where the Savior was born.

Citing the lack of any women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, transvestites, or blind and handicapped Buddhists among the three wise persons, the judge would give the wise men three hours to implement an affirmative action plan, or be forced to leave the Holy Land.

* Lawyers from the Bethlehem chapter of the ACLU would have sued the innkeeper who turned Mary and Joseph away. The suit would claim that there was, in fact, plenty of room at the inn, but that Mary was discriminated against solely because she was an unmarried, pregnant, middle-eastern woman who spoke Yiddish but not Italian.

* Joseph would have been required to pay a special “Usury Fee”—not a tax, mind you—owing to the fact that the donkey carrying the blessed Mary was not licensed in Bethlehem. The local tax assessor was known in the underground as the “Ass Taxer,” a term that still applies to most Democrats.

* Joseph and Mary would have been forced to leave Bethlehem earlier than originally planned, because a local bureaucrat named Goreish determined that their donkey was releasing unhealthy levels of toxic gases—indelicately called “farts” in our enlightened times.

Such emissions were thought to be a major factor in clinical depressions, and were also implicated in a phenomenon that Goreish called “global warming” which he claimed would surely destroy the earth by the end of the month, at the latest.

If nothing else, we can give thanks for the fact that liberalism and the ACLU did not exist in their present form on that first Christmas Eve.

And that allowed our Creator to give humanity the greatest and most blessed gift of all time!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!