Why am I attracted to nasty people?…..

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Because being in a cold relationship with a bitter, nasty Narcissist all my life is my default position…..

That’s not to say I don’t have lovely people in my life. I do. But the default position of my self-esteem is that the awful Narcissist who gave birth to me is all I deserve.

And that’s not right.

I deserve a life full of opportunity, energy, personal success and love – AS DOES EVERYONE!

I don’t deserve to be silenced by a birth family of enablers who hold our Narcissistic mother on high as though she is the Goddess Supreme, as though she can do no wrong, as though she is faultless, blameless and the height of conversational excellence, warmth and caring, when SHE IS NOT!

There has been a pattern in my life through the decades; I often (read – very often) end up in one-sided relationships where I put myself out for this or that friend and they ‘repay’ me with nothing but coldness and lack of interest. And then our friendships peter out but not before I have done ‘everything’ to keep that friendship going. I have been the listening ear, the money-lender, the confidante, the go-to rent-a-crowd when no one else was available…..

And in the process I have exhausted myself to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts.

I suppose it’s called being a PEOPLE-PLEASER, and this ties in with having a Narcissist for a mother, and a narcissist for a sister and enablers all around me within the birth family.

Well, NO MORE. I have decided to pull back from friendships where there is this unequal balance and see what happens. I know what will happen. I will be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my husband to be my only friend.

But I am optimistic. If I can cut out the Narcissists from my life I can become me again. Thoughts anyone?

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Published by mirandahurt

My name is Miranda Ellis. I work as an author and I am studying European law. I live in Bristol, UK. I am married to an amazing man and have three beautiful adult sons. I live a happy life, one that I have carefully crafted to suit the type of person I am, but in the background of this, and throughout my life my relationship with my mother has been one of mutual dislike, antagonism and bitter sadness.
My mother is a narcissist. She is NOT a mild narcissist, if there ever was such a thing, she has an extreme Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My father was lovely, but my many siblings and half-siblings have developed - genetically - or through being exposed to the mother - strong narcissistic traits. I have not. I am the scapegoat, the 'black' sheep, the hated one. I live my life based on love, support and devotion to the people I care about. My mother has lived her life shallowly and cruelly. It's sad that she will die never having known the beauty of love - because I believe she has never really felt it - but that's her problem, not mine. Finally at the ripe old age of 48-and-a-half, I have decided to write down my thoughts on my mother, no holds barred, and to let off steam.
She continues to hurt me to this day and I don't know why I let her. I know my issues have everything to do with the way she has treated me through my life. I need to learn to let go. I have tried, and then I succeeded, then failed, then double failed to let her go.
Make no mistake narcissists are very dangerous people and the best thing to do when you meet one, is run as fast as you can. Never share anything with them. I hope you get some comfort from my diary, if you too are going through the same thing. Blessings to you, Miranda x
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