Monday, February 11, 2013

Depants that mannequin

Jess Frost, you won yourself the best worst Vday story and with it, free ad space for March.

And Abbynormal621 you just won yourself free ad space in April for your participation in voting for the best worst Vday story. Geez alive, we got winners all around! Email me at thelifeofbon@gmail.com to claim your prizes.

You all ready for my worst Vday story now? Or in other words, the day I depantsed and stole from a mannequin. Hey, we've all our issues, people.

I never thought I would be the type of person to steal lingerie.

It is a desperate woman who strips a mannequin of her underwear. Today that person was me.

Twas the best of times, Twas the worst of times.

Ummmm... I am having some trouble starting this post. Afterall, how do you admit to the world that you hijacked a pair of underwear from Victoria's Secret? Tell me! How do you confess such a thing to the blogosphere?!?

It wasn't my fault. I swear. Fast forward to last weekend when I was casually shopping and wandered into V.S. to look at some Valentine Day lingerie. One piece of clothing (can you call it that?) caught my eye. I tried it on. I liked it. I decided to buy it.

Stop there. There was already a never ending line on this Saturday afternoon, and I was already late to meet Hubs for lunch. I looked at my watch. The underwear would have to wait.

Rewind to today. I strolled on into Victoria's Secret, confident as sin that I could buy my little pair of undies and head right back out the door, no problem. I looked around casually first so to appear that I wasn't some kind of an underwear freak who knew exactly what she wanted upon entering the store. You can't just make a beeline for something in a lingerie store, people! Others will think you're a freak!

So I played it cool. Looked at lingerie I knew I wouldn't buy. Slowly made my way over to the display where my coveted undies were calling my name. Once I arrived at the display, however, I discovered, much to my dismay, that said underwear was sold out.

SOLD OUT, I TELL YOU!

OUT OUT OUT! How does V.S. sell out of its sexiest undies four days before its biggest day of the year?!? You don't see Santa running out of toys on December 21, do you? Step up Victoria's Secret, and learn how to run a business for crying out loud!

That's when I saw the mannequin. Mannequin wearing MY underwear. Taunting. Waving. Seducing me. That underwear could be mine in the blink of an eye with one quick maneuver. I looked at the V.S. worker nearby, carefully arranging padded bras and lacy thongs. She turned her back. This was my big moment.

I worked quickly on that mannequin, my fingers moving with a ferocity never know before. Within seconds I had successfully slipped the underwear down and right off of that mannequin forever. It's a strange feeling to be stripping undies from a lifeless figure, taking something you're not supposed to have while at the same time leaving a skinny mannequin completely underwearless.

Let's just say I wouldn't recommend it.

With the underwear successfully in my hand, I glanced oh so casually around the store. Had anyone seen my crime on this lazy Thursday afternoon? I slowly wandered on over (play it cool, Bonnie, play it cool!) to the check out. There was a buxom blonde at the register. I assessed her, as you always must when committing a crime. How smart was this lady? Would she know the store was currently sold out of this particular style of underwear? Would she realize that the only pair left was in fact just moments ago stripped from an innocent mannequin? Would she take one look at my purchase and know me instantly for what I really was- a thief and a mannequin pervert?

I played it cool while I tried to figure her out. Tried on some perfume here, some perfume there. Took a bath in strawberries and champagne body spray. Tested some more. Put on some lotion. Rubbed cream all over. Blondie looked up, "You just love all those scents, don't you?"

Oh, shoot. She was onto me. Time to proceed to checkout. Everything cool here. No one doing nothing they're not supposed to. I slid the underwear across the counter and then proceeded to talk a mile a minute (always ALWAYS my strategy when I think I am in trouble) "Isn't it crazy that it's already February, wow how the year goes, especially this year with all the crazy snow storms, wow I love that watch, beautiful, my problem is I always lose watches or they break when I play volleyball or something like that, but I do love them, just can't keep them on my wrist, you know, I wish Victoria Secret sold their every day clothes in the store instead of just online, they're so cute, you know, I'm sure you'd get a lot of business, so you got any weekend plans? Friday is tomorrow you know an-"

"Ma'am. Here is your purchase." That speedy miss had already bagged up the lingerie, scanned my card, and completed the transaction before I had even gotten halfway through my monologue.

But the joke was on her. In that bag she handed to me was the stolen underwear, and with it my ticket to a successful getaway. I gently took the bag and moseyed on out of the store, acting interested in pajama sets and tight tank tops. Can't go blowing the whole gig now, you know. Gotta play it cool until the very end.

As soon as I was out of that store, though, I booked it. Straight up ran out to my car. I just knew that any second those workers were bound to see the bottomless mannequin and know that it was me who had so disrespectfully undressed their most prized display.

That's why you should never steal lingerie from a mannequin.

And that was the day I started my career as a professional underwear thief.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

umm... having trouble ending this post. Just know that I stole underwear today and lived to tell the tale.

Hope you don't mind the repost... Originally written for Valentines 2012. Might just be my favorite post ever written. Because, you know, I'm a total perv like that.

15 comments:

LOL at this whole post :)I actually work as a visual merchandiser for a big department store. We don't care if people take things off the mannequin if it's the last one or in your size...we just prefer when you tell us you'd like it so a. we can put clothes back on it and b. nothing gets broken ;)

One time my husband was convinced that the perfect shorts, the best shorts he'd ever seen in his life, in his correct size were being worn by a mannikin, and I had to stand there, all embarrassed, while he and a store employee took the shorts off the mannikin and found some appropriate other shorts to put back on.The underwear story is definitely worse, though.

Hahahaha! That is fantastic! Hey, I'm sure they're happy to make a few more bucks- the mannekin can be bare-assed until they find something else to put on her. But it's good to know that you're a suave kind of mannekin-undresser. ;)

I'm so glad another Christian woman shops at vs and admits it. I've had too many women say aren't your Christian when asked where I got a shirt or where I get my bras, like it's a huge sin to shop there. :)

Haha. I once wanted a sweater from the gap, and the last one was on the mannequin. The worker and I disrobed her while making comments about her(mandy the mannequin) having a wild night at the bar. Happy you got your panties!