Reasons 1&2 of the Five Reasons Agreements Fail

This entry in my Agreements Workbook Series (aka “KISSable Agreements) series, comprises Reasons 1 & 2 of the Five Reasons (Most) Agreements Fail. Do you sometimes forget your Agreements? Or miss something that, in hindsight, seems like it should have been obvious? If so, you’re not alone. Read more below, including some suggestions for what to do when these things happen to you.

The Five Reasons (Most) Agreements Fail

So here you are. You’ve worked through all of that stuff above, you’ve identified everyone’s needs, you’ve checked the caveats and assumptions, and you’ve made an Agreement. That’s great! Having an agreement is a good thing. Unfortunately, the sad truth is: Nobody’s perfect! At some point your Agreement will likely fail. This in and of itself is not necessarily a bad or tragic thing. It just is. Agreements are iterative, which means that it is normal to engage in “trial and refinement” a few times before you get it right. Often, all that needs to happen is a slight adjustment, a little re-negotiation, and you’re back in business. The good news is that — so long as everyone is being an adult, and negotiating in good faith — there are only five main reasons that things don’t go right. Here’s what they are, and some ideas of what to do in each case.

1) Simply Forgetting

Especially when we’re learning new behaviors, we human beings have a tendency to forget things. For some folks this is more true than others, but even for people who have good memories, it can take a while to get used to something new. In general, if someone forgets an Agreement once or twice, it’s no big deal. If, however, this “forgetting” turns into a pattern, then it’s more likely to be a symptom of something deeper, perhaps one of the other Five Reasons.

Even enlightened bonobos sometimes forget their Agreements!

What to do?

Practice compassion and forgiveness. Remember that no one is perfect (including yourself.) If this is not the first time that this particular Agreement has been forgotten, then consider looking deeper into the other Five Reasons, or the Caveats and Assumptions. Is there something else going on? Consider re-writing or clarifying the Agreement, or brainstorm ways to support memory (e.g., do you need a reminder card? A shareable website? To write your Agreements in Limerick form?) Check the Learning and Memory section of the References/Resources for a few suggestions on where to start learning more about memory and learning (e.g., http://www.brainrules.net/the-rules)

2) Missed Contingency

A “missed contingency” means that something came up that should have been covered by the agreement, but wasn’t. Maybe you didn’t foresee this particular set of circumstances, or didn’t anticipate the particular outcome.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making
other plans.”

— John Lennon, in “Beautiful Boy
(Darling Boy),” released 1980

What to do?

Revisit the Agreement. Decide whether you need to add something specific to it, or change the wording. Remember, though, that you still need KISSable Agreements, so don’t make things more complex than necessary!

Note that these entries are all rough drafts, and thus are probably missing things like references. If you know the perfect reference to add, feel free to suggest it! I always like to add to my resource collection.

About Uncharted Love / Love Outside the Box

Dawn Davidson is a life catalyst and relationship facilitator who believes that the capacity of the heart to love is infinite, and that the forms love may take are limited only by the imagination.
See the About and Services Pages in Sidebar for more information.

Links: Sex

Who is Dawn Davidson?

“I’m speaking up for those who feel lost and alone, and who’ve been rejected by others for core pieces of their being, whether that’s paganism, poly, their bodies, kink, or whatever. I’m here to say “you are not alone,” and “you are fine, just the way you are,” and hand you some tools and roadmaps.”

What do YOU need to be heard about?

LoveOTB@gmail.com or 510-686-3386.

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