AMAZON

Monday, July 02, 2007

Too Bad It’s Monday: The Best Jokes I Received in Last Week’s Email

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive, very well built, sexy blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.

She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral:Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read his father’s last words thinking that they might be something he could recite during the service.

The note said: “YOU WANKER! GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!”

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

When Andrew found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. One evening he went to a singles' bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had even seen. Her natural beauty & willowy figure took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to here, "but in just a week or 2, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening, and 3 days later she became his stepmother.

Moral:Women are so much smarter than men.

A man is driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop says, "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car a few blocks back?"

The man says, "Thank God! I thought I went deaf."

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager wrapped the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note read:

Dear Honey,

Hope you like the gift. The lady at the store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady wearing these. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love,

Bobby

PS: The store lady showed me the latest style, which is to wear them with the top folded in so that there is a little fur showing.

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Michigan. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

Moral:Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think