I just can't.

I feel so alone. Even when I’m with other people – I’m always the third wheel. I feel like an annoyance. I’m too afraid to take initiative to any activities and such. I always keep people at an arm’s length.
I guess I have a couple of friends, but not any close ones. And it hurts so much.

I’m sick and tired of everything. I have very few good experiences. While other teenagers went out and had fun, I sat in my apartment with my mom. Good things almost never happen to me. Every day of the last 5 years, have been about battling anxiety and depression. That’s who I am, that’s what I do. That’s my identity, I know of nothing else. If someone asks me who I am, I simply don’t know how to respond. I don’t even know myself. I almost never do anything fun, I just go through panic attacks, and pain – so I can get “better.”

I’m so tired of the mental hospital. I can’t stand the place. Every time I step onto the premises there, I feel the little happiness I have left disappear. But I have no choice. If I refuse to go there I will be taken away from my parents, and my time home is the only time I can somewhat appreciate.
I’m sick of fighting. I’ve been fighting for 5 years, that’s almost 1/3 of my life! And what good has it done me? Nothing. Sure, I can walk outside without having a panic attack, I be around people. But yet I have no deep friendships, I haven’t seen most of my family in years, and I still can’t handle school. I don’t care if I can now sit in a café and drink hot chocolate, or go see a movie.

I just can’t take it anymore. Every day for 7 years now I have wished that I had the “courage” to commit suicide. But I haven’t been able to do even that. I have wanted to die, but I’ve been too scared of the repercussions if I didn’t succeed. So I kept telling myself “next week, I’ll do it next week – then all of this suffering will be over.” Yet I’ve never tried, because I’ve been too afraid of it failing.
For 7 years I have been depressed. Nothing has helped.

I don’t want to fight. I’m exhausted; I’ve tried for 5 years, but I am no closer to what I long for. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t go back there, but I can’t refuse.
It’s ironic. I feel like I have to die tomorrow, since I’m supposed to go back there on Monday. I can’t go back there, but if I don’t then things will only get worse, and the people who are trying to help me are unintentionally pushing me over the edge. And I hate it, because I sometimes feel happy when I’m home, but I can’t stay here.

I just can’t do this anymore – and I guess tomorrow will have to be the day I finally try to escape this miserable life; I just can’t see any other options.

Did you tell your pdoc that you are happier at home hun maybe get nurse to come to your home to see you. I am sorry you are feeling so isolated hun The think is though there is hope ok new meds come out everyday hun to help with anxiety You parents love you hun and if you left them they would be sad for rest of their lives I am glad you can talk here hun keep doing so ok Make new connections here go to chat and you won't feel so alone then hugs

Thank you for your reply. Yes, they know that I’m happier at home. All of the meds I’ve tried have just made my depression worse. Yes, however much I wish they wouldn’t - I know my parents would be absolutely destroyed by it. I'll try to keep going, but it just seems so impossible right now.

I know what you mean by feeling alone even with others, and also your weariness at your life having been nothing but the struggle---no chance to live life as others do---and your anguish at the time you've lost, and the extreme loneliness you feel. I can sympathize because I feel all of these things. I am almost 29 and I have been struggling with these issues, to a great degree, for twelve years (and more before that, to a lesser extent). I have had some "better" times; I put quotation marks around this word because is extremely relative---these were times when I struggled less and suffered less, but times in which I still could not live as people do. During the last twelve years, I managed to graduate with good grades from high school and college, but my accomplishments mean little to me in light of how rotten my existence has been and how much living I've been deprived of. And like you, I have found little help and lots of trouble from pharmaceutical interventions.

In other words, rest assured that I do know much of your experience firsthand. But this is about you, not me.

Perhaps I can offer some insight. Your feeling that you cannot be loved or appreciated by others likely has two roots: serious self-loathing and a conception that you're just not good enough. Your tendency to keep others from getting too close to you originates from those issues, as you likely feel certain that others will reject you or hurt you if they get close enough to really know you. These are common issues. They likely have a root in your depression and possibly your panic attacks, and likewise your depression probably compounds them. Whatever the case, be aware that these are common problems that can be worked through productively with a therapist. They are very correctable. It's important for you to keep in mind right now that you're very mentally ill (don't judge yourself for this; it's the cognitive equivalent of physical illness), and that is severely distorting your perception of what is possible and what is not. I know that you're battered and exhausted now, and I know that anguish is likely never far from your mind. Mustering the strength to explore the aforementioned avenue, and with an open mind, will likely require you to take a leap of faith in regards to recovery being possible.

On a related note, I suspect that your mental illness itself makes you feel certain of rejection by others. If that's the case for anyone, forget about them. Look at it with a good perspective: you've a good means by which to filter out those who would be a negative presence in your life. Worthwhile people will judge you on your character alone. You don't seem like a bad guy. Like so many of us here, your times of troubles seem to have gifted you with kindness and compassion for others. While I know that it's difficult to feel that these qualities mean anything in light of your current difficulty in forming relationships, know that they will make a difference... if you muster up in yourself, once again, the will to give recovery another shot.

You're young, and there's plenty of time if you just stay strong.

Whatever the case, perhaps you'll find a bit of a smile in knowing that by allowing me to be supportive and (I hope!) helpful to you, you've made me feel a bit less useless.

Hi Stark I hope you know you can talk here ok I can understand you not wanting to go to hospital i myself find it hard to do that. Just keep busy ok bring some music you like a book do things that will keep your mind busy until it is time to come home again. Talk really talk to you doctor even print off w hat you wrote here and show it to him ok Ask him about community care where the pnurse comes to your house It is called ACT team here acute community therapy and it keeps young people out of hospital and it is found that they do better
Just bring that up with the doctors at hospital ok see what happens hugs

Stay with us Stark. Others here gave good words to you, I am not all that good with words so I might sound confused. Having fun and enjoying life can be found in the least expected places. Try to focus on little things, make them enjoyable and try not to live by what others say you should live. I don't mean people are directly telling you how to live, what I mean is don't equate being happy by what others determine it to be. Find your own niche in life, your own personal happiness.

I hope what I wrote didn't sound mushy ans all,,, I can't give expert advise cause I ain't one,, I can only say stay with us and live for tomorrow.