Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: You got served

So Brandi met with “Scheana” who still can’t spell her name and Brandi was all YOU DON’T GET TO CRY ABOUT MY CHEATING EX-HUSBAND, SHUT IT.

That taken care of, Brandi then sits down to guzzle a bunch of pink wine with Lisa, and who can blame her? Brandi tells Lisa that she knows that “Scheana” was only one hoochie of who even knows how many (good luck with that, LeAnn Rimes!), and that Eddie Cibrian made her feel loved and secure the entire time he was cheating on her with whatever cocktail waitress crossed his path. Lisa Vandereminds Brandi that she came out of a disaster of a marriage with two beautiful children and Brandi cries and Lisa Vandercries and everybody is drunk and crying and Brandi demands that Lisa tell her that she likes Brandi more than “Scheana” and Lisa’s like, “uh, sure?”

Kyle visits Yoyawnda at her lemon kingdom to do the master cleanse with her.

From Wikipedia:

Master Cleanse is a modified juice fast that permits no food, substituting tea and lemonade made with maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Proponents claim that the diet detoxifies the body and removes excess fat. There is no scientific evidence that the diet removes any toxins, or that it achieves anything beyond temporary weight loss. Though unlikely to be harmful over the short term it can be harmful over the long term. Short term side effects include fatigue, nausea, dizziness, and dehydration, while long term harm includes loss of muscle mass.

Yoyawnda complains to Kyle that she also invited Sober Kim over to “master cleanse” (as if that is a verb) with them no fewer than three times, SO WHERE IS SHE? Kyle is like, Am I my sober sister’s keeper? before settling into a prolonged whine about her tumultuous relationship with Sober (and Drunk) Kim. WAIT, WHAT? KYLE AND SOBER/DRUNK KIM HAVE A DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIP?! WHY HAVEN’T I EVER HEARD ABOUT THIS? TELL ME MORE.

Meanwhile, Sober Kim is too busy meeting with her life coach to do a master cleanse. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, has to be the single most L.A. sentence ever written.) Sober Kim is still harboring resentments towards Kyle for Kyle being upset with Drunk Kim when she was being all drunk. Frankly, this is hard to take seriously. But somehow Life Coach manages to not laugh in Sober Kim’s face, instead calmly instructing her to have a conversation with her sister, telling Kyle how she really feels. And let’s just all pause here for a moment and reflect on the fact that this is this man’s career: he gets paid to sit around with ridiculous people and order them to do the most obvious things in the world. Blogging is for suckers, yo.

While Lisa busies herself by yelling at the Vanderstaff at Villa Blanca (FIX THESE FLOWERS, FEED ME RISOTTO, BRING ME TEA), Grandpa Ken and the Suitcase Maid hang a beribboned, silk-flowered, pink mess of a swing in the backyard of a Vanderestate, plant some flowers in the shape of a heart, and shove Giggy in a pink sweatshirt. It seems Lisa and Grandpa Ken’s 30th anniversary is fast Vanderpproaching, and he has strung up this hideousness in their backyard as a prelude to asking her to renew their vows. AND I GET IT, THEY HAD A BACKYARD SWING IN THEIR FIRST HOUSE, IT’S ROMANTIC, BLAH. But honestly, this swing could have benefitted from that Coco Chanel adage: “before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” Or in this case, all of the things off. All of them. Anyway, Lisa says YES! to Vanderenewing their Vandervows, yay, good for them.

The perfect swing for the pink-crazed 4-year-old in your life. (bravotv.com)

So, I guess we have to care about this Marisa Zanuck person? I guess she’s going to be a thing? Because not only does Bravotv.com have an entire boring photo gallery devoted to her, but Kyle and the dinner limo pick her up on the way to this season’s excuse to feature belly dancers: A Fight Night in Morocco!

The two arrive at the Moroccan restaurant where they have reserved a private room, and they put out seating cards because, sure, that’ll work. Brandi is the first to arrive is like O HEY GUYS, YOU LOOK NICE, LA MALOOFS ARE SUING ME. Do what now?! reply Kyle and Marisa Zanuck. Brandi explains that she had to hire a lawyer and pay him some $2000 because La Maloofs served her with some threats that if she doesn’t sign some papers promising to never speak of their family again, they will sue the hot pants off of her.

Well!

And then everyone else arrives: Lisa and Grandpa Ken, Yoyawnda, Taylor, Sober Kim, Mauricio, Camille, Mr. Marisa Zanuck, Marisa Zanuck’s brother (WHY SO MANY ZANUCKS? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?). Yoyawnda immediately bores into Sober Kim: KYLE AND I DID THE MASTER CLEANSE WHY DID YOU NOT DO THE MASTER CLEANSE IT IS IMPORTANT YOU DO THE MASTER CLEANSE. Sober Kim has no idea what Yoyawnda is talking about, she does not recall being invited to do a cleanse, master or otherwise, and in any event, she can’t really do any cleanses right now, it wouldn’t be good for her physically. Yoyawnda however is a doctor (is not a doctor) and knows better (knows absolutely nothing), and insists that Sober Kim HAS TO BE HEALTHY FOR HER DAUGHTERS.

Hey! Yoyawnda! Maybe you should back up off the addict who has just made a huge change in her life and NOT ASK HER TO GIVE UP SOLID FOOD. MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

And then some belly dancers come in and this happens:

http://prostitutionhoe.tumblr.com/

because Kyle needs all of the attentions.

Sober Kim decides that this is the time and this is the place to confront her sister about their relationship, instead of, say, privately at home, and maybe when they aren’t in the middle of filming. Something something grudges resentments feelings hurt apologies, and I think Sober Kim is trying to tell Kyle that she feels as though her sister hasn’t been there for her since she left rehab BUT I CAN’T TELL, TAYLOR, BECAUSE YOU ARE BRAYING ABOUT WAITERS, OH MY GOD, SHUT UP.

The food arrives, and Yoyawnda, whom I thought was in the middle of a master cleanse and couldn’t eat anything but lemon rinds and those delicious maple candies anyway, complains that there is not any “arabic culture going on here at all.” She then explains that David Foster isn’t joining them for dinner because he is working with Barbara Streisand because of course he is. Kyle notes that when they were small children she and Kim did a movie about a murderous car with Barbara Streisand’s trophy husband, James Brolin, and that even then she knew that he was a Very Handsome Man. Mauricio becomes jealous, giving us our first clue of the night that someone needs to reevaluate his meds, maybe.

Taylor, meanwhile, has been pounding the Moroccan booze, such that it is, and begins shrieking that she’s ready to date, LEEEEZA, and she wants to find her own Grandpa Ken, LEEEEEZA, before blubbering about feeling guilty that she’s cheating on her abusive dead almost ex-husband. Taylor then announces to Camille that she settled her lawsuit, woo-hoo! Which gives Brandi the chance to throw out there that she is being sued by La Maloofs.

There is some sputtering disbelief on the part of the assembled, and Lisa attempts to Vanderfend Brandi, noting that La Maloof is using her immense wealth to intimidate Brandi. Yoyawnda, in her awfulness, waves this off. Brandi needs to just pick up the phone, call La Maloof and admit that she made a mistake! What’s the big deal?

As Brandi protests that she hasn’t had an opportunity to apologize — that her phone calls to La Maloof were answered by some process serving — Mauricio decides that he needs to get involved, as he somehow knows better. For one, Brandi shouldn’t have said what she said. For another, she just needs to call La Maloofs and apologize. And for another, Brandi SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID WHAT SHE SAID.

Taylor interjects that everyone needs to remember who the real victim is here: Taylor. Sober Kim responds that Taylor could have left her abuser anytime she wanted, which, NOT NOW, SOBER KIM. MAYBE LET’S NOT DO THIS NOW.

Yoyawnda and Mauricio continue to berate Brandi for not just picking up the phone and magically making La Maloof accept her apology, choosing to ignore the part where LA MALOOF GOT LAWYERS INVOLVED. Drunk Taylor urges Brandi and Camille to be strong. They are SINGLE WOMEN and they are GOING TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER and they are NOT GOING TO WALK AWAY and they ARE NOT GOING TO CRY. Camille is curious as to what, exactly, she has to cry about, but sure, she’s game. Sister power, whatever.

WHY DID BRANDI SAY THE THING THAT SHE SAID? demands Mauricio. SHE SAID THE THING THAT SHE SAID TO BE A GOSSIP, insists Mauricio. Grandpa Ken notes that whatever it was that Brandi said was true (DON’T SAY IT WAS TRUE, Lisa Vandersnips, OR WE’LL GET SUED, TOO), but Mauricio remains hung up on Brandi’s motivations. BRANDI DIDN’T SAY THE THING THAT SHE SAID TO BE NICE. Grandpa Ken, being a darling old codger, notes that Brandi doesn’t have a man to defend her, setting Mauricio off on a feminist rant about how his daughters are as strong as men which means Brandi should be perfectly capable of calling off La Maloofs’ army of attorneys. Susan B. Anthony thanks you, Mauricio, but I don’t think that was Grandpa Ken’s point. Also, STAY OUT OF IT, MAURICIO.

Brandi becomes petulant: why should she be the one to apologize to La Maloof anyway? Why shouldn’t La Maloof have to be the one to apologize to her? Sober Kim spits at Brandi that this is not the first time that Brandi has said things that were untrue, alluding to the whole KIM DOES METH thing from Game Night. Brandi argues that what she said that night wasn’t “untrue,” just “incorrect,” which HAHAHAHAHAHA, I’m going to have to check with my attorney to see if those are legal terms but for now, sure. Good argument. Case rested.

Lisa points out that La Maloof is not exactly an innocent party in all of this, and why is it that everyone forgets La Maloof accusing her of selling stories to tabloids? WHO CARES ABOUT THAT? yells Mauricio as a clearly mortified Kyle tries to get him to shut his stupid face. Uh, Lisa Vandercares about it, Mauricio BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT HER INTEGRITY. And then Brandi screams at Mauricio that she said the thing that she said about La Maloof because she was very angry! And this is about Brandi’s kids! And Mauricio can go do something to himself that is technically physically impossible!

She'd frown if she could.

So, a quick word on this “lawsuit.” I’ve consulted my lawyer (husband), and from what I understand, if whatever it was that Brandi said is in fact a true statement — which a number of people on the cast seem to think it is — La Maloofs don’t have much of a case against her. Sure, if Brandi refuses to sign La Maloofs’ crazy document, they can sue her for defamation of character. The problem is, truth is a defense, and they would have a difficult — if not outright impossible time — winning (especially if what she said was in fact about La Maloof using a surrogate or donor eggs or both — they would have a hard time, methinks, finding a jury that would categorize that as “defamatory”). They could also go after Brandi for “invasion of privacy,” but that would be pretty rich coming from a couple of reality TV stars. So what appears to be happening is that La Maloofs are trying, as Lisa Vandersaid, to use their wealth to financially shove Brandi around. “Sign this document, or we will bankrupt you with legal fees over a case that you will probably ultimately win.” — La Maloofs.

Was it wrong of Brandi to say whatever personal thing she said about the La Maloofs? Maybe! It’s hard to say when we don’t know, exactly, what it was that she said. And my guess here is that Bravo edited it out not because they were also afraid of being sued (although, who knows, maybe they were), but as a means to keep the La Maloofs happy and on the cast. But it seems pretty clear to me that if whatever it was that Brandi said was true, La Maloofs are being the real jerks here, using their immense fortune to bully a single mother.

Team Brandi.

What do you think? Does Brandi deserve to be sued?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

Personally, I feel badly for Brandi in that she was explaining why she was fighting La Maloofs and was rambling and has DOTM disorder (diarrhea of the mouth). Plop went some stupid secret which tells you why secrets are stupid if everyone knows the secret. I have DOTM, so I can never work for the CIA or La Maloofs.

Brandi is her own worst enemy as she’s unable to have an unexpressed thought. That being said, Adrienne still comes off as the evil one because of her attitude, threats, and the way she treats others.She’s completely self absorbed and has seriously miscalculated her importance,superiority and likeability.

brandi comes off as a person who is hurt, mad and upset so she lashes out at everyone. First with Kim then with the Maloof’s. Everything that she is saying could be true but she seems miserable at times and maybe she wants company with her misery. i guess it makes for good tv but sometimes they take things too far. dont get me wrong i like the housewives even though they are all not housewives andi they can be some hateful ladies and men.

THANK YOU!!! This lawyer has been screaming at the TV (and my husband) that truth is a defense to defamation!! I am team Brandi all of the way!!! Before this season even started, I had already changed my opinion of Adrienne. I personally think that the allegations that Paul was abusive were BS! I have had personal experience with domestic violence, both as a child and as an adult, and Adrienne does not act liked a battered women. If anything, she seems like she had control over Paul.

Brandi absolutely does not deserve to be sued. The Maloofs, by their extreme reaction, drew more attention to this matter than was necessary. All they had to say was, ‘no comment’ and go about their business.

Okay. First things first. It is embarassingly apparent that Mauricio has sold his gonads to the Maloofs (are they one of his big time share buyers?) He was simply pathetic. Time for Mrs. Maloof to give it a rest with the lawyers since she is now dating a youngster who was just recently weaned from his mom’s spigot. Yeah. Shave those endless Maloof years away by pushing your new boyfriend around in his stroller!

It’s drastic to sue someone over a true comment and it’s sad Maloofs are using their economic status to shove Brandi around, but nevertheless, a deflamatory comment was thrown out there on TV and shouldn’t have been. If you have secrets like that don’t go on TV, and on the other hand, why does Brandi have to go for the jugular? She can be edgy, but maybe strap it in a bit. I cringe at the way Brandi tells everyone to “f”-off, it just flys out of her mouth everywhere and then she turns petulant and sorry. She’s always worried about protecting her kids, what kids are proud of a sewer mouth like that for a role model? It’s Brandi’s whole “schtick”, her platform and it’s getting tiresome. Can’t stand to watch Adrinne either, there’s something about her face that jeebs me out, plus there’s the bored out of your mind factor. There’s way too much that I’m fast forwarding on full speed then I’m actually watching to make it worthwhile. Like reading the blogs better!