9. Never have to worry about taking a nap and waking up to discover
that the wife and kids have grown old and died.

8. Hijacking a u-boat to get there is easier than inventing an iron
mole or building a dirigible.

7. Marriage laws are more flexible.

6. No bible-quoting inventors who swear like pirates.

5. Tarzan probably wouldn't get lost.

4. Doug McClure sucked in both movies, but he sucked worse in "At the
Earth's Core." And "The Land That Time Forgot" gets bonus points for not
having Peter Cushing in it.

3. Von Shoenvorts is more sly than Hooja. And uglier than Jubal.

2. "Dian the Beautiful." Talk about vain!

1. Two words: "Fort Dinosaur."

Top Ten Reasons John Carter
is Better than TarzanBy Elmo

10. Woola would eat Jad-bal-ja for lunch and use Nkima as an after-dinner
mint.

9. John Carter's sword is bigger than Tarzan's hunting knife.

8. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

7. Never had dozens of really bad movies made about him.

6.When John Carter's son was 10, he helped the old man lead a slave
revolt against the evil goddess of Life and Death. When Tarzan's son was
10, he ran away from home with an old ape.

5. John Carter arrived naked on another planet, and rose to become Warlord
of all Barsoom. After all these years, Tarzan still pretty much just runs
around naked.

4. When John Carter's wife is lost, her father launches 10,000 battle
ships and starts massive wars. When Tarzan's wife is lost, her father wanders
around the jungle saying "Tut-tut."

3. John Carter's best friend is a 15-foot green guy with four arms,
tusks, and a big honking sword. Tarzan's best friend is a Frenchman.

2. Tarzan had to take pills to become immortal. John Carter was just
born that way.

1. Four words: The incomparable Dejah Thoris.

David "Nkima" Adams responds to...The Top Ten Reasons John Carter is Better than Tarzan

10.) Woola would eat Jad-bal-ja for lunch and use Nkima as an after-dinner
mint.
(This is more proof that everyone is trying to eat little Nkima.)
Woola just is a dog with too many legs.

9.) John Carter's sword is bigger than Tarzan's hunting knife.
Who did the measurements?

8.) Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

The wonderful thing about TiggersIs that Tiggers are wonderful things.Their tops are made out of rubber,Their bottoms are made out of springs.

7.) Never had dozens of really bad movies made about him.
Carter does not have his Elmo.

6.) When John Carter's son was 10, he helped the old man lead a slave
revolt against the evil goddess of Life and Death. When Tarzan's son was
10, he ran away from home with an old ape.
Old apes find the best grubs.

5.) John Carter arrived naked on another planet, and rose to become
Warlord of all Barsoom. Tarzan still pretty much just runs around naked.
Running around naked is always preferable to being a warlord, in
fact, it's almost preferrable to doing anything else.

4.) When John Carter's wife is lost, her father launches 10,000 battle
ships and starts massive wars. When Tarzan's wife is lost, her father wanders
around the jungle saying "Tut-tut."
You can choose your wife, but ya can't pick your in-laws.

3.) John Carter's best friend is a 15-foot green guy with four arms,
tusks, and a big honking sword. Tarzan's best friend is a Frenchman.
Tarzan's real friends (the jungle beasties) don't talk very much.
And they all run around naked.

2.) Tarzan had to take pills to become immortal. John Carter was just
born that way.
Tarzan won't have to live forever on a planet with deformed creatures
who wear jeweled harnesses and try to stab you in the back.

This was probably the best episode of "Tarzan: The Epic Adventures."
When I first saw the episode, I kept thinking: "They tried. They really
tried. But they missed." What amazes me about this script is that it is
so good. If someone had shown this to me before TEA went on the air and
said, "Here's a sample of what they're going to do with Tarzan," I'd have
been blown away. There are rough spots. Aren't there in anything? But the
script writer obviously knows Tarzan. I even like Themba when I read him
in this script. (Unlike some ERB fans, I thought the concept for Themba
was a great one: An African who prefers Europe, teamed with the European
Tarzan, who prefers Africa. What potential that premise had!) What it comes
down to is this: When I read this script, my own Tarzan is speaking the
lines, and doing the fighting -- the one who grew up with me when I discovered
ERB. My own La is reacting to Tarzan as I read this script. Let me know
if your experience is similar.
.

.

Elmo's
Episode Guide to "Tarzan: The Epic Adventures."

Tarzan returns to the cabin of his parents,
only to discover that a group of circus freaks who had been shipwrecked
on their way to a performance in London is now living there. The bearded
lady turns out not to be Jane after all. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a
lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals.

In a touching holiday episode, Themba learns
the true meaning of Christmas by helping Santa Claus deliver toys to African
villages. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph into
jungle animals.

A blind man with one foot and no arms surprises
Tarzan and takes him prisoner. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe
that can morph into jungle animals.

Space aliens land in the jungle. They all look
like Tarzan, which causes many humorous cases of mistaken identity. Meanwhile,
the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals.

Using "Forrest Gump" type special effects to
make the episode, Tarzan comes across Johnny Weissmuller and and a Hollywood
film crew making "Tarzan Triumphs." After a tense opening scene, where
it looks like hostilities will break out, Weissmuller and Joe Lara say
"Now Tarzan make war!" at the same time, which causes a smile and everyone
becomes friends. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph
into jungle animals.

When Themba is captured by a lost tribe that
can morph into jungle animals, the ape-man enlists the aid of a lost tribe
that can morph into jungle animals to rescue him.

In a two-part episode, the first part of which
is a season-ending cliffhanger, Tarzan learns the secret of morhping into
jungle animals.

END

..

Editor's note: This is a commentary in story
form about Edgar Rice Burrough Inc.'s policy regarding fan fiction that
uses the trademark "Apeman." Call it satire. Call it parody. Jeff Long.

ARE YOU APEMAN?By David Adams

One afternoon in early October as Lord Greystoke was trying for at least
the tenth time to get past the first page of Finnegan’s Wake, a helicopter
appeared over the leafy branches of the forest that surrounded his African
estate. The Lord of the Jungle quietly placed his half-eaten banana on
the table and walked out to the noisy machine that was whipping up great
clouds of dust from the ground.

The door of the helicopter opened and out stepped three men dressed
in black each of whom carried a black briefcase.

“Are you Lord Greystoke?” asked one of the dark strangers.

“That depends on who is asking,” replied the Lord.

“Don’t get funny with us, Lord,” said a beefy-looking thug, “we’re from
ERB, Inc.”

“So?” replied the Lord with a slight smile.

“We’ve heard that you are using the name, ‘Apeman’ now and then; is
that correct?” said the third man, trying to look threatening as he could
behind sunglasses that hid his squinty eyes.

“I AM Apeman,” replied Lord Greystoke.

“Well, boys, that’s it,” said the first man. “Come along with us. You’re
in big trouble now.”

Lord Greystoke lifted the two of the three men dressed in black, one
in either hand, and tossed them like bags of horse feathers into the helicopter.

“Hey, you can’t do that,” the remaining man said with a discenable quiver
to his voice.

The ape-man did not reply, but tossed the third faceless mug into the
helicopter and slammed the door.

“We’ll be back,” the strangers shouted in chorus as they left the ground.

Apeman walked back to the veranda and began sharpening the blade of
his father’s hunting knife.

E-mail comments to Nkima

.

GRINNING
ELMO AWARDS

The coveted Grinning Elmo Lincoln Awards were carefully considered
during the AMC Tarzan Marathon weekend. Awards were given only to movies
shown in the AMC marathon. (Left out, for example, was the award for Best
Leak on an Ape's Head, which would have been won by "Greystoke." Bo Derek
would also have gotten serious consideration for the Best Jane Costume.)
Tarzan movie expert Matt Winans contributed to this list. Feel free to
submit more awards of your own.

Award

Winner

Honorable Mention

Most Ridiculous Animal Ride

Gordon Scott hopping onto a giraffe in "Tarzan and the Trappers."

Elmo Lincoln on that elephant's head in "Tarzan of the Apes."

Tallest Hair

Gordon Scott, "Tarzan's Hidden Jungle."

The blonde in "Tarzan and the Valley of Gold"

Biggest Loin Cloth

Johnny Weissmuller, "Tarzan and the Mermaids." (This picture also won
for Most Creative Use of a Chimp to Hide Beer Belly.)

Saidi, while tied to the tree with the lions jumping on him, in "Tarzan
and his Mate"

The rubber Tarzan that rides the croc in "Tarzan and his Mate." (A
scene so good it was used in three movies.)

Tarzan Most in Need of Hair Gel

Herman Brix

Tarzan Least in Need of Hair Gel

Mike Henry

Best Leopard Men Impression by a Fan

George McWhorter. Look at that CLAW on his right thumb as he discusses
the unauthorized Tarzan films in the INVESTIGATING TARZAN documentary.
Yikes!

Most Annoying Marathon Host

Brendan "George of the Jungle" Fraser

Most Telling Tape Sacrifice

Jeff, who grabbed the first used tape he saw when he realized he was
going to be short of new tapes for the marthon. Taped over "The Grapes
of Wrath" with "Tarzan and the Great River" and "Tarzan and the Jungle
Boy"

Most Dedicated Fan

"Akut," from the ERBCOF mailing list, for telling his doctor he had
to get out of the hospital early so he could watch the marathon, tripping
out of his chair to change the VCR tape, and asking his 14-year-old daughter
to continue taping the movies if he dies before the marathon ends. Would
have gotten extra credit for killing the cat that stepped on the remote
and stopped the tape with 10 minutes of "Tarzan Escapes" left.

.

CARTOON
& ART GALLERY

.

Ghek vs. Rapas: drawn and written by Jason Gridley;
color by Tangor.From Berke Breathed's"Penguin Dreams and Stranger
Things"Bloom County collection.

The Land That Time ForgotThis was the first book by ERB that I read.I found a copy of it in a box full of ERB
books in my grandpa's basement.So, this novel is my sentimental favorite.
I count it among my top five by ERB.

~ Elmo

Dust jacket and an interior
illo by J. Allen St. John

Thank you, Dark Horse
comics, for giving us a beautiful edition ofRuss Manning's "Tarzan in the
Land That Time Forgot" and"The Pool of Time." (How about
more projects like this?)

"Marvel Movie Premiere"did a great adaptation, with art by Sonny
Trinidad

The Land That Time ForgotThe FilmUnfortunately, the movie sucked. This poster cracks me up. That dinosaur with a laser stalk on its head is a hoot. What the hell are those scuba divers doing in there? And that diving pod? Good grief

.

Title page to ERB's story in theFeb. 20, 1927 Argosy Weekly.

The cover, by Emmett Watson.I love the way Jimber Jaw -- who was originally named "Elmer" by ERB --is just snoozing awayin that hunk of ice.

Interior illustration by Samuel Cahan.

I like "Jimber Jaw" for a couple reasons.

First, it's one of ERB's only short stories
-not meant to be a link in some larger work, to be pieced together later as a novel.

Second, it's ERB at his comic best. There is biting satire in this story.

The final note from Jimber Jaw, who has had enough of "civilization" and wants to return to his mate,is a classic: "I go to find the real Lilami. And don't thaw me out again."

Listen to the Podcasts of Elmo's
Dateline Jasoom via the vast Gridley Wave Network.Visit www.PanthanPress.com
for directions on tuning in your Gridley Wave antennae.The show is podcast every two
weeks and featuresa full 15 minutes of news, zaniness,
music, and interviews with ERB-world personalities --all beamed directly from Elmo's
state-of-the-art GWN studios on Barsoom..