Jews think they are "gods chosen people", conniving Things, who enjoy running small family dry cleaners and control 99% of the world's money. They are also known as "t3h j00z!", but thats only a cliche that will result in you being beaten brutally by a mob of them. Their only weaknesses are bagels, and Chinese Food. Long thought to be an offshoot of particularly ugly Sicilians who interbred with Arabs, the Jews are a small, but vibrant cult given to strange customs including editing funny Internet articles in order to remove all traces of humor. Jews are beloved for their arrogance and materialism, and their steadfast refusal to allow their culture to be diminished by the introduction of lesser human beings, e.g., anyone who isn't a Jew.

Over time, they evolved thick fleshy wallets to hold the copious amounts of gold which they cherish. Famous Jews include Irving Goldstein, William Crick, Jewbacca and Han Schlomo, Merv Goldberg, Golda Meir, Jeff Goldblum, and Moira Goldson. Less wealthy Jews include Shel Silverstein, Melvin Silverberg, Penny Marshall, and Penny Glockstein. There once was a Jew who did not like gold and money. His name was Jesus. He was also very handsome. And had a small, very attractive nose. People love Jesus. Not so much the rest of the Jews. Which is a shame, really.

Jews can be found in large numbers in great underground lairs called "Semites," which is Yiddish for "place of darkness that smells of pastrami." In the Dark Ages, plague-bearing rats bred in the dank recesses of the semites. Professional exterminating crews, known as anti-Semites, cleared these lairs of rats, allowing the Jews to return to their hordes of gold, money, jewels, and orthopedic shoes.

Contents

History of the Jew

The history of Jews is shrouded in shrouds. Originally thought to be intergalactic emissaries from the Planet Schmutz, anthropologist Melvin Gibson discovered their true origins while exploring the catacombs of ancient Long Island.

Early History

Jews were created by a demon known as Schlomo Povitch, the Infernal Regional Administrator for First Circle of Hades, and were intended to resemble large-nosed shrews. Their original purpose was to amass gold, jewels, and other valuables and construct vast underground structures known as "Semites" for their safe-keeping until Baal returned to collect them. When a Semite was completed, the Jews would kidnap non-Jewish babies and perform elaborate rituals to keep them in a permanent state of undeath. This ended when one Jew, Moses Cohen, achieved sentience, and learned that El Al had begun offering direct service from Cairo to Ben Gurion, leading to the mass emigration of Jews to Israel (which is Yiddish for "land stolen from poor people when they weren't paying attention") where they developed more advanced Semites. In Israel, the Jews enjoyed a long enduring peace with their friendly neighbors, particularly the Arabs, Babylonians, and Romans. They cultivated these lasting friendships by cheating everyone out of their money and gold and randomly killing even more babies. Beloved by their many economic victims, the Jews have long stood for the cherished values of avarice and squinting.

Cheapness and Frugality

Jews commonly refuse to spend any sum of money whatsoever, unless it is under one dollar. It is quite typical for a Jew to pick up a quarter if it is laying on the ground. The Hebrews enjoy the clearance rack.

Jesus

The coming of Jesus, as depicted by historian and documentarian Mel Gibson, was a momentous event for all Jews. The Jews were wary of Jesus's ideas that they need not amass wealth for an extraterrestrial entity that showed no signs of returning anytime soon. They thus decided to kill the newborn Jesus, but not before his message spread to many humans. These humans then decided to kick the Jews out of Israel for their ingratitude. It is well known that they don't make Jews like Jesus anymore.

Jews and Dining

When dining with Jews, it is important to protect your own life before filling your stomach. Once there is food in the picture, you won't be able to get any on your plate until after the Jews have all fought for it and gotten some, though there probably won't be any left when they are done with it. Don't fight with the Jews to try and get some food, because you will not be alive for much longer. You could try to get to the food before the Jews, but it is unlikely that that will happen, because when Jews know there is going to be food, they will always rush and fight to be the first to get to it.

Spread

After their exile from some land they'd stolen from its rightful owners, the Jews, then known as the Black Death, spread to many different parts of Europe and Asia, where they again enjoyed unparalleled kindness from the people they tricked and cheated. Their European neighbors were quick to forgive the Jews even though they knew unequivocally that the Jews had poisoned wells, caused the Sun to disappear on numerous occasions, and kidnapped Christian babies to become the abominable security guards at their Semites (or "synagogues").

20th Century

It wasn't until the 20th century, that the good Christians of Europe began to rebel against their Jewish overlords. In the first World War, the peaceful German people were utterly humiliated by the superior forces of the militant Jews. However, as the great Harvey Walletstein teaches us, this tragedy was what gave rise to the second incarnation of The Great Jew Lord, Adolf Hitler. This brilliant artist showed promise that he could rid the world of the barbaric Jews once and for all. However, his efforts were for naught, as the great humanitarian was only able to destroy approximately 420 Jews before he was again crucified by the Jewish leaders Franklin Rosenfeld and Winston Schulberg, and the famed Jewish sympathizer Joseph Stalin.

In recent years, American Jews have become the puppet of the Democratic National Party. While the Democrats claim to support the Jews, liberal shows such as Family Guy often make fun of Jews (but not as much as Christians). The Democrats also support Palestine, and agree that Israel should not exist. Why most Jews are still Democrats is currently being studied at UCLA.

The Five Major Honkers of Judaismotron

Like most things around for a long time, the basic recipe of Judaism has been tinkered with and tailored to meet different needs. It has even occasionally been soldiered, though to the best of our knowledge, never yet sailored. Anyway, while there are a multitude of Judaism's, these are the five largest sects. The one thing all of the sects have in common, however, a worship of all things shiny, particularly those belonging to others.

Banana Nose Nutmeg: For the more "orthodox" of the Jews. (In Yiddish, Orthodox means "having a particular pungent, greasy aroma," as in, "My what an orthodox matzo ball that is, Jerome!") A complex flavour, which follows the original recipe, in as much as it is possible, in every situation. Comes in a lovely wrapping, as specified by original production instructions, i.e. the talis (a kind of crinkly wrapping paper), tsitsit (glitter sequins), and kipa or yammuka/yammulka (a sort of lacy ribbon.)

Lemon Nasal Pear: A slightly happier form of Judaism, originally designed to appeal to small children. That, and the number of lemons involved in the recipe make this brand rather Hasidic. (The word "hasidic" derives from the Yiddish term for "shuffling overlords.") Noted for the many sing-a-longs printed on each container. Comes in quite similar wrapping to banana nutmeg. Also features insulation, whether needed or not.

Banana Schlong-Like Nose Cinnamon: A conservative take on the original recipe, this brand retains most characteristics of Banana Nutmeg - chiefly the bananas - while providing a milder, all inclusive, flavour of cold, hard cash stolen from Christians. Yum!

Apple "What a Schnoz" Cinnamon: Rather more reformed than Banana Cinnamon (contains no bananas) this is a mild flavour that smells of chicken fat. Organists are strangely involved, as are rather drippy songs from the sixties. Great if you like reading Hebrew in English.2

Peach Nostril Berry: The newest, reconstructed variety. The recipe is based on the popular write-in campaign, "How Would You Flavour Judaism?" This most recent recipe is hypoallergenic, and fine for diabetics. It was also stolen from the brain stems of innocent black children.

typical Jew diet

Smaller, but Famous

Strawberry Giant Honker Kiwi: In recent years, Madonna herself (and a surprising number of other goyim3) has become devoted to the Strawberry Kiwi flavour. This variety was developed in Safed by Isaac Ben Jose Ben Solomon Ben Jacob Ben Willy Ben Joe Ben Gertrude Ben Hoffenffefer Ben Luria (also known as Schecky Glickstein) and his students (on their holiday from cheating Christians) after consuming an off carton of Americancheese. Wise statements included "Wow" and "Is it supposed to be all spinny like that?" The main theory as to why Strawberry Kiwi has attracted so many goyim3 is that today's brand is sugar filled, and not very hard.

Commercial Jewish Flavors

He-Brew: Since the founding of the state of Israel last Thursday, funding the Jewish state has been an ongoing problem for it's cabal of Rabbanical overlords. Subsequently, a special panel convened in Tel Aviv and designed "He-Brew - the drink that keeps you kosher!" a soft-drink designed to wet the parched throats of Israelis and Israeli supporters across the world.

Profitability: To this day He-Brew delivers over 200 million Jewlars (J$) daily to the Israeli treasury.

Rumoured Ingredients: The making of He-Brew is an Israeli state secret, but many different sources have theories as to how it is made. The Arab world looks to Iran Soft Drink Council Report No.33 "He-Brew is made out of dead puppies and lies" as the definitive write-up on the nature of "He-Brew", while other, perhaps less biased sources contend that "He-brew" is merely made out of the souls of the innocent, like Pepsi.

Jews in sport and gaming

Jews are well known to have scheming minds, and thus are known to be good at chess, checkers and paintball. Jews also love the money and have been known to excel at monopoly. It is considered rude to ask the Jew if they would want to be the banker. It is also considered a death sentence to play with more than one Jew.

Famous Sayings by Jews

Moshe Shlomo Schickelgruber coined the now famous expression, "Jew eat?", which was once used as an advertising slogan in the 1980s for McDonald's franchises in New York, New Jersey, south Florida, and Israel. The campaign was a follow-up to an earlier McDonald's Promotion by singer Barry Manilow -- "Jew deserve a break today."

Jews, the movie

The threat of Jews is always real.

Directed by Steven Spielberg, famous Jew and member of the Hollywood Jewish Conspiracy, the by now legendary cult-movie "Jews" depicts the story of an Jewish boy, mutated into an overgrown monster by the fact his that mother forced him to eat high-fiber All-Bran each day, who attacks random wildebeests during his scuba-diving lessons. Mucus Brodenstein is the new police chief of Inimity, an island resort town somewhere in New Zealand. On a Summer morning, Brodenstein is called to the beach, where the mangled body of a wildebeest has washed ashore. The medical examiner tells Brodenstein that it could have been a Jew that ate the wildebeest. Mayor Vaughn Draughn, who is desperate to not lose the money that will be brought in by 4th of July tourists, wants Brodenstein to say the wildebeest death was caused by the Hound of the Baskervilles instead of a Jew, because the thought of a Jew in Inimity's waters would drive tourists away. It looks like Draughn is a mayor who puts money ahead of wildebeests' lives. Jew expert Leonard Nimoy believes the wildebeest was eaten by a Jew. Nimoy is proven right a few days later, when his pet wildebeest is eaten by the Jew that ate the previous wildebeest. Looking for the quickest solution, Draughn tells all of the local fishermen to let him know if they see the Jew. A social service worker named Hadolf Itler wants to find the Jew and hug him, but Draughn thinks Itler's price of $99,998,999.97 is a wee bit too high, so he leaves the beaches opened because all he cares about is the 4th of July tourist money. On the 4th of July, Nimoy is proven right again when the Jew eats another wildebeest, biting the wildebeests's phallus off. Brodenstein asks Draughn to hire Itler to find the Jew. Because his own wildebeests were at that beach too, Draughn agrees to hire Itler to find the Jew. Nimoy, Itler, and Brodenstein are sent out to sea in Nimoy's ship, the USS Enterprise, ready to do whatever it takes to find the Jew. After a group hug, the Jewish boy repents and the movie ends when he graduates from Stanford with an Ph.D. in molecular biology. According to critics, the movie's many sequels have missed the pizzazz of the original.

Some Important Items

Made a pact with a divine being (whose name may not be pronounced, but is spelled "Haile Sellassie") at Mt. Sinus in 1776. Since then, as per the terms of the pact, nothing bad has ever happened to Jewish people.

Will never loan you money. This comes from their collective trauma after being ripped off by the Europeans when they were forced into being money-lenders (see 3000B.C.-tomorrow).

Torah: A basic recipe book, consisting mostly of instruction: which sorts of fruit go well together, when to pick them (in season), various cooking techniques (cutting, dicing, boiling, frying), etc. The book also relates the exploits of the first dabblers in Judaism; serious minded men and women with surprisingly biblical names and a determination to persist in fruit recipes. There are also some rather graphic examples of what happens if you use an un-approved recipe - that is, you die.

Talmud: "If the recipe calls for pear, can I use an apple?" "What's your opinion on converting the Torah to high altitude cooking?" Questions like these and more, many, many more, can be found in the Talmud, a large and opinionated news letter (and now web forum) dealing with interpretation of the Torah. Though this might sound like a situation of too many cooks, it's actually quite helpful, especially for the more complex recipes, like Banana Nutmeg. Unfortunately, like most forums of friendly advice (aka I'm undoubtedly right) it does contain quite a few entries like:

Question: How should pears be cut up?

Rabbi Hillel: They should be cut first lengthwise, and then lengthwise once more. Then each of these four pieces is to be cut into two equal halves.

Rabbi Shammai: Maybe that works, but, I like to cut pears across the middle, into eight circular sections, then divide each of those into four smaller sections.

Rabbi Hillel: OK, but IMHO that'd make the slices wayyyy too small to be useful.

Rabbi Shammai: Really? Well IMHO you're an asshat.

Google finds Jews particularly offensive.

Jew Gold

Fact or fiction

It has been noted that a large sum of the total world's gold contrary to popular belief is not located at the bottom of the ocean bed nor in Fort knox but yup you gessed it, but in the uterus of all female Jews..Where these mystical creatures hide their gold is a mystery to all but the Jew himself..ever wondered why drugs are so prevalent..blame the jew
Jews have wide smuggling syndicates and the funding: Jew gold of course.

World Opinions

Almost nobody claims to have friends who are Jewish, but Jews are loved universally and throughout history. They have friends like Muslim yogurt (as in, "Yogurt out of here right now, and we won't hurt you"4). Yogurt is milk based, and Jews tends to make it curdle, or "crusade". This may have been in part due to the Romanelements (like senators Acidophilus and Bifidus) soon found in the new religion. Also, many brands of Christianity tend not to like fruits. Luckily, most of the serious curdling, crusading, burning on spikes, etc took place some time ago. Now it's mostly about shouting and pamphlets.

Given the relative modernity of weapons available then, we're talking something on par with Cottage Cheese.5
During the second half of the 20th Century, Jews and Palestinians were known to despise, and often kill each other in horrendous acts of misunderstanding. However, following the destruction of Niagara Falls in 1988, Jews and Palestinians came together in a joyous reunion, and formed the Jewish-Palestinian Pact. With little exception, the two groups coexist peacefully in communes spread across the region.

And that's all the news about Jews. As Rabbi Akiba says, "Peace out, brothers."

How to Find a Jew

Look at the size of their nose. If it looks abnormally large, they are probably Jewish.

Brown hair and brown eyes.

If you're really unsure, drop a penny on the floor. If someone turns their head, they're Jewish. If they walk over and pick it up, they are Orthodox. If you wish to find a Conservative Jew, drop a nickel, and if you wish to find a Reform Jew, drop a dime. If the Jew is very religious, they will be able to determine the monetary amount by the sound the coin makes when it drops on the floor. They can do this with paper bills as well.

Splitting the Religion

Recently, with the rise of the Coopact Wars, the Jewishreligion has split into three factions: the Jewish-Jew Pact, the Judaic-Hebrew Co-op, and neutral parties. In general, these neutral parties seem to favour one side or the other. However, both the Co-op and the Pact cannot tolerate the existence of the other and are hell-bent on annihilation of their opponents.

Whether their difference can be reconciled or not remains to be seen.

There are older schisms, too: for example, some Jews seceded from the rest of Judaism before setting up the American state of Avoda Zara.

But Where Can I Find These "Jews"?

Wanna do some "Jew-spotting"? Here are some great spots to see real Jews in action!