Ten Don'ts for Kindness

Ten common things to watch out for when performing acts of kindness.

1. DON'T be obsessed with the people you can't help. Focus on the people you can. You are a mortal. You, like everyone else, are limited. Obsessing about what you can't do prevents you from thinking about things you can do.

2. DON'T let the lack of kindness and giving of others influence you to stop helping and giving. Some people feel resentful, "Other people aren't helping. Why should I?" We learn from role models. Learn from those who are kind, not from those who aren't.

3. DON'T keep trying to help someone who truly doesn't want your help. Some people are very independent. They could gain from accepting your help. But their need to be on their own is stronger than their wish for your help. Be aware that some people really want your help but are embarrassed about it. If you feel that is the situation, try to say things to put the person at ease.

4. DON'T give up too soon. Some people might think that you really won't be able to help them so they initially tell you not to bother. If you don't give up, both you and the other person will see that he will gain much more than he thought.

5. DON'T complain that other people keep asking you to do things for them. If others come to you for help, it's an expression that they believe you are a kind person. You might not be able to meet other people's needs right now, but by being aware of their needs, you might think of a creative solution.

6. DON'T tell anyone, "I had to go without this for a long time. So you also can go without it." Other people have a right to something even if you didn't always have it. If you don't want to help someone, just say a polite, "No."

7. DON'T be hurt if a selfish person complains that you are selfish. Some selfish people try to manipulate giving people by telling them they are selfish. Perhaps you are being selfish. Then again, perhaps not. You might want to ask objective outsiders for their opinion.

8. DON'T be naive. Don't believe every story you hear. If a story seems questionable, check it out. If you have good reason to believe that someone is lying to you, perhaps he is. But be very careful. Someone's sad story might not at first seem true, but it could very well be that it is. A person who loves kindness would rather err on the possibility of helping someone who doesn't need it rather than not helping someone who does.

9. DON'T say things that might cause someone to feel badly when you help him. Some people might say things such as, "This is so difficult for me to do. I don't know why I agreed to do this for you." Or, "This is the last time I'll commit myself to do this for anyone."

10. DON'T embarrass someone when you do something for him. Be careful not to say or do anything in the presence of others that would cause distress to the person you are trying to help.

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About the Author

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin is a noted psychologist and prolific author of 24 books, including Guard Your Tongue, Gateway to Happiness, Gateway to Self Knowledge, Love Your Neighbor, Growth Through Torah, The Power of Words, Consulting the Wise, and the recent Life is Now. Rabbi Pliskin lives in Jerusalem, and is the director of Aish HaTorah's Counseling Center and a senior lecturer at Aish's Essentials program and the Executive Learning Center. He was ordained at the Telshe Yeshiva in Ohio and holds a degree in Counseling Psychology.

Visitor Comments: 17

(14)
Julia,
October 24, 2013 9:41 PM

Please don'r push your "help" down my throat

Rabbi PLiskin wrote a superb article. I agree with most of it, but not with #4 DON"T give up too soon. People have a right to privacy and respect . Sometimes you really DON'T know what their situaton is, and your idea of helping might be causing more trouble. I hate to be negative, but being helpful has a dark side for some people. Why do you want to help? Do you think that if you don't do so now, that you will be caused problems in some way? Do you want to show off something (your skills, your chesed, or whatever?) Does the person have any reason to think that if s/he lets you help him/her now, you'll expect and push for "pay-back" at some time? Whenever someone begs me to let him/her "do/have a mitzvah" I feel they care about themselves, not in my welfare. In short, if you believe someone needs your help, simply ask, "Would you like me to do XYZ?" If the answer is no, say, " If things change, my offer is still good" or " I wish you the best; I hope things get better soon." LET PEOPLE RETAIN THEIR OWN DIGNITY AND PRIVACY!!!

(13)
Susan Booker,
February 29, 2012 2:59 PM

Proactive

“Let me know if you need anything.” She said, before the door slammed on her backside.
“Yea, sure,” “OK,” “Thanks for coming by.”
She would be the last person I’d ask for help, I thought, disappointed because I thought more highly of her affection towards me than what was shown.
You know that person, that person who speaks with their lips but not from the heart?
They don’t really mean what they say; it’s just a cliché for them to feel better.
A crisis does come to your house sooner or later. Whether it is sickness, death, car accidents, depression, divorce, tornados or hurricanes, we’ve all been there a time or two, some of us more than others.
What would like to hear from those around you?
What should you say to the one in times of trouble?
Instead of playing passive role to squeeze you out of helping those around you, as listed above, take a more proactive role.
What can I do for you today?
It’s almost lunch, what would you like to eat?
I’m going to the store, what can I get you?
What files can I help with at work?
I’m going to get those few dishes washed in the sink for you, OK?
I can take care of the lawn for you, until your feeling better.
Listen closely to their answers.
If they say something like, “I really don’t need any help, but thank you.” Then don’t push issue. But if you hear something like, “Oh, it’s OK, you need to do that.” They are saying they don’t want put you out but really do need your help.
Many are the affliction of the righteous but Yahovah will deliver them out of them all.
Until deliverance, help your brothers and sisters, be proactive.

(12)
Anonymous,
February 23, 2012 8:50 AM

Be respectful

Wehn you help people, try not to make them feel like a nebech because they need your help. Tell them that you also once had this problem/needed this help, so they don't feel you;re all the way "UP ther" and they're down below.

Anonymous,
December 3, 2012 5:03 PM

Don't toot your horn when giving charity

I once asked my mother in law to help out financilally(I was a single parent at the time living on $17.00 a week) and her only consolation was that she compared her financial strife to mine. She couldnt take her eyes off of someone's elses tragedy, selfishness and stinginess to the nth degree. But who am I to judge, Hashem is the final judge. I say though "Woe to the hard of heart" Our Torah teaches us "You wouldnt like it if someone threw mud on the new suite you're wearing would you? So dont do it to anyone else. In other words, do unto others as you would want them to do to you" Steve Israel. And when you do give charity, don't toot your horn! In this case, I hope we all learn a lesson, not to turn your heart away from those less fortunate.

(11)
L.S.,
October 16, 2011 8:06 PM

make sure you are really doing a kindness

Last year in an "attempt to help" me, some people put me in a situation which compromised my physical health and almost cost me my life. I am not grateful for that "kindness" as the outcome was disastrous. THINK before you DO. Are you doing this so-called kindness for the other person or for your own selfish benefit? Emuna Braverman had an article on this very issue a long time ago. Not every kind intention is indeed a kindness to the person.

(10)
Lisa,
October 11, 2011 9:59 AM

We all need a dose of Rabbi Pliskin....

We need more Rabbi Pliskin....he is so optomistic !! I wish his writings would be a course in school!!! ( do we really need geometry??) His words carry me through life. May he & his family have a happy & healthy year........Shana Tova!!!

(9)
robert j. ashner,
May 19, 2010 1:19 PM

good man trying to associate with great people.

i love this site. it is very informative. this site is very thorough.i am honoured to be a part. my belief is that my life will be enhanced because of this association.bless you and shalom. my writeing might be a little off. for this i apolagize. i am new to computers and i have a eyesight problem.

(8)
Harriet Pearson,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

thank you.

thank you. It was well worth reading.

(7)
Kathleen Cribbins,
January 10, 2006 12:00 AM

I thank ha-Shem for Aish.com all the time.

Thank you all for the wonderful job you do to keep my day filled with little spiritual "uplifts" which keep me going. A blessing be upon you.

(6)
Julia Arango,
December 19, 2005 12:00 AM

Chesed Dont's

Rabbi PLiskin wrote a superb article. I agree with most of it, but not with #4 DON"T give up too soon. People have a roght to privacy and respect . Sometimes you really DON'T know what the situaton is, and you idea of helping might be causing more trouble. I hate to be negative, but being helpful has a dark side for some people. Why do you want to help? DO you think that if you don't do so now, that you will be caused problems in some way? DO you want to show off something (your skills, your chesed, or whatever?) Does the person have any reason to think that if s/he lets you help him/her now, you'll expect and push for "pay-back" at some time? Whenever someone begs me to let him/her "do/have a mitzvah" I feel they care about themselves, not in my welfare. In short, if you believe someone needs your help, simply ask, "Would you like me to do XYZ?" If the answer is no, say, " If things chabge, my offer is still good" or " I wish you the best, I hope things get better soon." LET PEOPLE RETAIN THEIR OWN DIGNITY AND PRIVACY!!!

Bob Rabinoff,
August 7, 2011 8:26 AM

Chesed Don't's

Julia, it's always a good idea to examine one's motivations and to purify them as needed. But if someone needs help, don't forebear from helping because your motivation isn't perfect! Maybe you get personal pleasure out of giving charity. Should the poor person go hungry because your check wasn't written 100% l'shem shamayim? Our Sages were wiser than this -- they tell us: Perform the mitzvot even for ulterior motives, because just the act of doing the mitzvot will purify our motives, so that eventually all our actions will be l'shem shamayim. And when it comes to chesed which somebody needs, there is also the immediate effect.

Julia,
January 19, 2012 11:15 PM

yes, help, BUT ...

Bob, I guess I didn't expalin it clearly. I believe in helping, and in doing the right thing, even for impure reasons! But if you're going to help, make sure that IS what you're doing. I resent people telling me they're going to help and then get in my way, or invade my privacy, or mess up my work. If you want to help me, first tell me you want to help me, and then I'll accept. OR say a gracious no thank you. if I say no thanks, you're free to help[ someome else.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 22, 2005 12:00 AM

Thanks!

DearRabbi Pliskin, I found that every one of these statements is true and it is very helpful to see them in writing.
I especially appreciated your comment about focusing on those who are role models for kindness.

(4)
Sabbathson N Frank,
November 22, 2005 12:00 AM

2348063971774

Welldone, You guys are doing a good job.
I'm elevated.

(3)
MARY,
November 21, 2005 12:00 AM

ARTICLE IS GREAT

I truly enjoy all the articles so far. Some of the articles I mention to my friends. Thank you. The kindness article was very helpful, as sometimes I am in a situation where I want to help and wondering if I am doing the right thing. Thank you.

(2)
Kaden Cases,
November 20, 2005 12:00 AM

how to teach to break the line of pride and ask for help

More than a comment, this a question for the Rabbi, how to teach people to break that line of pride and ask for help, when you know they need it but don't accept to enter through our community social assistance because there they have to give names, statments, etc., while they prefer to accept tzedaka

(1)
Michal,
November 20, 2005 12:00 AM

Very helpful

Sometimes you just need a good "checklist"-this is one I want to rely to. Thank you for these helpful advices!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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