For those that don’t know, the Coffee Bean is like the retirement home of coffee houses.

When a twenty year old walks thru the front door, the average age is still above retirement age.

There are never less than 3 oxygen tanks scattered among the patrons.

Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?

Not long after leaving the underground parking bunker I have to park in, I got behind two old women, lets call them Thelma and Louise.

Why Thelma and Louise?

You aren’t going to like the answer.

Because they are busybody annoying bitches that basically just take up space.

I have issues with that self indulgent piece of shit they called a movie.

Back to the girls.

I got stuck behind them, and while I usually pass up people on the sidewalk due to the fact that I walk faster than everyone else, (its a short guy thing.) I kept getting blocked by opposing foot traffic.

So be it.

I settle in behind them as they saunter down the road and stop trying to pass.

We were 20 feet from the Coffee Bean, I was just beginning to get a whiff of Ben Gay, when Thelma said this:

“I bought my daughter in law a rabbit and fresh batteries.”

And then she laughed.

Now, there are some of you who are wondering why that is a big deal.

Its because of masturbation.

There is a “marital aid” (Also known as a dildo) called the Rabbit, and that is EXACTLY where my mind went when Thelma said that.

(The story of why I know this is a long one, and involves a lady friend that got into the Rabbit so severely that she “Wore a hole in herself.” Direct quote.)

And it turns out I was not wrong.

Everyone always asks if you “Went dirty” on something.

I maintain that I live dirty and “Go clean” on rare occassion.

Anywho Thelma and Louise turned to go into Coffee Bean, so I did too.

There is a certain whore-like quality to my snooping.

It was in line that Thelma joined me in Dirtyville.

“It is hands down the best little device I have ever had!” She gushed. (Not dirty)
“Is it that one with the little pointy thing?” Louise made this kind of creepy gesture with her index finger.
“Just like a rabbit’s nose!” (Ok, that was dirty. And, if I understand the device correctly, incorrect.)

At this point, the smell of Ben Gay and adult diapers began to make me feel light headed, so I left.

Besides, I had gotten what I came for.

Its 12 hours later and I am still getting the occasional whiff of Ben Gay.

And for the record, while I was in the Coffee Bean, I counted the following:
3 walkers
2 oxygen tanks
2 little dogs
1 old guy, talking to himself
12 people with grey hair.
7 sets of bifocals
6 people that appeared under the age of 50 (Including 3 staff.

Typically, I blow that kind of shit off, but this is one of those friends that I have known for so damned long that I have a solid baseline that tells me they are not an ignorant troll.

And they’re right.

I do go negative and cynical immediately, its part of my process of analysis.

How do you change that?

I was talking to a friend once who had gone thru a shitty divorce.

Me too, haven’t we all?

And I made the comment that one of the shitty things about relationships, good or bad, is that you take baggage with you after.

And they made a cutesy comment.

“What if you just left those bags at the curb?”

That is just so fucking cute, I may shit myself.

Its also naive.

I will stop there, mainly because I could drain half the negative words out of a thesaurus for the next 500 words and not accomplish anything more than piss off a friend.

Baggage is who we are.

So be it.

If we didn’t carry a little bit of every experience we have ever had with us, we would never change or become individuals.

Without change, we are fucked.

That being said, I am tired of being a snarky piece of shit.

For today at least.

So, here are 3 things that I find positive.

1. Writing. I have been writing since I was little. For the last 5 years, I have been writing like a man possessed. 3 fiction novels, 400 blog posts, and now part of the writing team for a weekly comedy show in Hollywood. My hope is to make some sort of a living writing.

2. Faith. I was raised Catholic and found myself struggling with that in my 20’s. I find myself having come to a peace and understanding with my personal faith now. And, no, its none of your business.

3. Comfort. I spent a long time striving to avoid uncomfortable situations. It was not the best thing. It was the safe thing. Done with that. I am hanging my ass out there a hell of a lot more now and I am learning to be ok with that.

And, in an effort to present a fair and unbiased view, here are 3 things I find negative.

1. Morons. I just this morning had a conversation about someone that I have always maintain is an idiot. Others have defended this person, but I am increasingly convinced they are like a monkey, clever enough to peel the banana and do little tricks, but certainly not intelligent.

2. Politics. You might think this is still talking about Morons. Its like that old adage, all Cretans are liars, but not all liars are from Crete. However, some are in the White house as we speak.

3. Crusades. One of the most negative things you run into these days is the Crusader. The Crusader is on a mission to save something. Dogs, the environment, dolphins, baseball…etc. The worst part about the Crusader is that they have no other presentation for their ideas other than to talk down. They don’t ask you your opinion, they simply accuse you of being wrong. Its annoying, rude and really unpleasant.

Now that thats out of the way, let me sum up this little semi rant with this.

There is a lot of good in the world, enjoy yourselves, try not to hurt each other, and for God’s sake, try to focus on something positive instead of wallowing in a “I’ve gotta save something” martyr cocoon.

There is construction going on up the block and they have the narrow corridor construction scaffolding covering the sidewalk and forcing you to cautiously shoulder past each other as you pass.

I am not a psychic.

Sadly, that is not one of my powers.

So when the business lady with the phone glued to her ear moved to the right, straight into my path, and I didn’t slam myself to the left immediately and let your pampered elitist ass go by?

For this I apologize.

Continuing.

Hours later, after work, I was walking up the street, making my daily trek up the ridiculously steep hill to my car, parked in the underground bunker parking lot.

I can’t fly.

Unfortunately, that is not one of the powers bestowed upon me by the almighty.

So, when I was walking in the crosswalk across a 25mph max street and the arrogant dumb fuck in the shiny black SUV was cruising along at about 40mph, I was unable to fly out of the way.

My fault.

You were definitely in the right to flip me off and gun your engine while I got out of the way.

My last and final regret for the lack of super human powers comes from my visit to the local post office.

I cannot lift my car with my mind and fling it to the side.

So, when the aged, half blind, miniature geriatric driving the vintage Oldsmobuick just barely missed scrapping the parking safety pole and pulled it right in front of where my car was pulling in on the FAR RIGHT for the driveway, I could not fix the situation by throwing my car to the side.

I cannot read thoughts, so the long 15 seconds that we sat staring at me while she tried to find reverse and cast milky dagger eyes at me, I was unable to fathom your muddled thoughts.

Lastly, I did not have the power that Christopher Reeves had in the first hideous Superman movie, of flying against the flow of the Earth’s rotation and reversing time.

(Against all laws of physics, I mean, seriously? The poles should have reversed and massive death and earthquakes. I will let it go now.)

Anyway, geek rant aside, I could not turn back time and get the hell out of your way.

Sorry about that.

That day, long ago, when I was struck by lightening, bit by that radioactive spider, and found that magic ring, I was given a choice of powers.