Shelving Dreams

2 years ago I reached for my dreams…or what was left of the one I still remembered.

And today life delivered another uppercut in a series of financial blows that took me, once again, to my knees. I’m no longer in the position where I am able to wait for the dream job I went back to school for. I’m going to need to accept whatever job I can find as soon as possible. And it makes me feel a little like the last 2 years of stress, sacrifice and psychological exhaustion were wasted.

I live in gratitude. I do. I try to. But sometimes you need to feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel the overwhelming loss of a dream in order to figure out what your next step is. The only thing I know right now is that the next step may be forward, but it feels so much like going back. And that just kills me.

I find myself sitting and staring and asking myself, “Did I do something to bring this on myself?” No. Life happens. It’s not my fault. But goddamn it, it still feels like failure. So taking a few moments to feel it then pushing back to my feet to heal it and to move the hell on. Maybe new dreams will rise to be even more beautiful than those left behind.