Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Millicent, you must be strong! We have to lick 300 envelopes this evening.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats and Dr. West will continue on with his dissertation about the careful consideration of the bride in the planning of the wedding and during the ceremony and reception:

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Remember, from the physiological standpoint, prudence demands that the strength of the bride be husbanded with the utmost frugality. Invite no excitement. Avoid all social festivities, however pleasurable which impose an unnecessary drain upon the nervous forces. Nothing will be lost in a social way. ( Cancel 6 or 7 of the bridal showers and for heaven's sake do not have a bachelorette party!) No friend of good sense will question quietude and simplicity.

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The Guest List

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Unless the wedding be entirely private there will be guests to invite. It is the bride's privilege to to elect whom she will have present ( Charles, if you dare invite Stud Wattley and that fat assed strumpet girlfriend of his I shall stay home in bed!) There are two classes of persons who's claims stand first and cannot be ignored. These are her own and her husband's relatives. ( Your father's first 4 wives are NOT relatives any longer. Have Papa pick which one (1) he would like to bring). She will ordinarily find that he will restrict the number of these to the lowest possible number (You may NOT invite your entire cricket team!) Next in order are mutual friends, the bride's friends and the groom's friends.

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Millicent, remember those randy little robins we saw earlier today? Could you perchance consider that we as humans also, as in nature ....Millicent! At least fall on the pillows this time!)

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Preparing the guest list appears to be a very small matter, but it is not and may very well be a cause of worry and anxiety to the bride. Women have been known who have fretted themselves into a sickness because they discover, at the last moment, they have overlooked someone whose presence is especially desired. (Oh Charles I must take to my bed! I have forgotten to invite your parents!). It is sometimes the case that a very slight cause of worry will, in the exaggerated nervous condition, lead to injurious results. For these reasons, let the guest list be attended to in sufficient time before the celebration of the marriage to be free from its bustle and excitement.

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I'll have another wee drop of opiates to tide me over during the ceremony

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The Wedding Ceremony

.The wedding ceremony is generally trying to the sensitive nerves of the bride. Instinctively modest and retiring, as most women are, the publicity of the ceremony abashes them. Being the central subject of the day shames, embarrasses and oppresses her. This mental state is trying. It has it.s ulterior effects rendering her nervous excitement greater and the exhaustive process more rapid and more emphatic (Perhaps, Mother, we should drive to the church in an ambulance) . Happily for her the ceremony is brief. If she can carry herself to this climax without experiencing undue excitement she will have little trouble preserving her calmness until the end ( climax? She ain't seen nuthin' yet!)

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The Banquet

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(Should the bride survive until the climax of the ceremony) the custom is to follow the ceremony with a banquet. It is a very unwise custom if we consider the character of the feast and the conditions under which it is eaten. From what has already been said, it is manifest that the bride must be of extraordinary mold, indeed, if she so not find herself by this time (dead) (comatose) (a blithering idiot) not without appetite, but also in a physical condition in which it is highly improper to take food into the system. (Millicent! Now see what you have done to the cake! Who in their right mind is going to eat that!) The physical and mental strain under which she has labored for several hours, perhaps, has so affected the circulation of the blood as to leave the stomach and other digestive organs without a necessary supply. By no effort of will can she restore the equilibrium of circulation.

.The banquet is usually held at an unordinary hour for food consumption. Many persons in ordinary health and under no press of excitement are injured by feasting at irregular house, Much more seriously may it affect the newly-made wife. ( I am not making this up, AND you are going to have to figure this next paragraph out for yourself).

It must also be added that the nature of the viands is such that, unless sparingly partaken of, the result is certain to be injurious. The materials are rich and highly seasoned substantials, followed by a rich and unnutritious cake ( Except for Millicent's which has met with a disastrous accident). The bride must, perforce, show approbation lest she find herself in a condition where she is unable to retain such gormandizing. (Why don't you just say that Millicent is going to toss her cookies!) Nor is she allowed any repose on this very social occasion..

(Better to delay partaking of food until such time as conditions are more favorable, Millicent. We'll get a to-go box for some of these wings and fries and we can have a nice repast in bed tonight while we watch the rest of the Buc's game. Millicent? Ohhh curses! Her father warned me not to say the word bed in any form)..

We will ask Dr. West to stop talking this instant while I pass out the smelling salts and cold compresses. We will be back very soon with The Wedding Journey and The Marriage Contract where Dr. West dances around the issue of the wedding night.

Oh, dear me! Poor Millicent! Now I'm just going to be a nervous wreck until I find out what happens next. It's probably good that you're serving up Dr. West's advice in small doses. I don't think my sensibilities could handle much more excitement!