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<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Pretend to Ignore My Janitor Brother?: </strong>I’m a 24-year-old woman working my first job as a biomedical engineer in a big firm. My older brother is a janitor in our building. I have lunch with him once a week, and we’ve been seen together during the bigger office events, so everyone knows. This was never an issue until the senior manager of another unit said “Yes, I’ve heard of you, you’re the janitor’s sister” when I introduced myself. Since then, he’s not the first “stranger” who seemed to know about me first and foremost for that. It’s not said with explicit malice, but it makes me uncomfortable and several colleagues have urged me to distance myself from my brother at work to appear more “professional” (I hear “make people forget that your family is white trash” and it angers me). Is it professionally strategic to pretend he’s just another stranger at work? Or is this just novelty (I’ve been here four months) making people gossip, and should I just keep doing what I do and prove I’m “professional” by delivering results?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Why shouldn’t everyone know that your brother provides essential services to your company? I agree that “Oh, you’re the janitor’s sister” is an awkward and loaded remark, but not necessarily malicious. More likely, it’s a condescending acknowledgement of what you recognize is a novel situation. To these kinds of statements you can say, “Indeed I am. Dave’s the one who told me what a great place this is to work.” As for people who ask you to distance yourself from your brother, I understand your desire to distance yourself from them. But instead, I think you should say with a smile, “Without my brother, this office would cease to function. I’m proud of him.” You’ve only been at the company a brief time. Your focus, of course, is doing a great job as an engineer. But you also have the important opportunity of showing your colleagues what it means to be a gracious and mature human being</p>
<p><strong>Q. Not Interested Means Not Interested: </strong>I am a recent female college graduate who was lucky enough to get hired at a fantastic job with great pay right out of college. Everything is going great except for one thing: One of my co-workers who is close in age to me has a romantic interest in me. I am straight. I told her this when she first asked me out, but she will not let it go, and keeps hinting that I should at least “give it a try.” She’s even gone so far as to play a well-known song about kissing a girl. When I called her out for this, she said it was all a joke. She is starting to say that I am a homophobe, which I am not. Our boss is a guy, and I really don’t feel comfortable going to him with this (he’s the same age as my dad), and our workplace is too small to have an HR department. What should I do? I don’t want to leave, but I’m getting tired of her attention.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This has nothing to do with sexual orientation, but it does have everything to do with sexual harassment. The genders don’t matter here. What matters is that a co-worker is making your work life miserable with her constant sexual demands. You must tell her clearly and explicitly that this must stop. (If the laws in your state allow one-party recording, you might consider having your phone in your pocket recording this conversation.) Then write yourself an email detailing what has happened and how you have dealt with it. If your co-worker does not immediately desist, then no matter how uncomfortable you are, you have to bring this to your boss’s attention. Practice in front of a mirror what you say. You want to keep it crisp and professional and let him know this harassment has been continual despite your clear efforts to end it. Let’s hope he then does the right thing and puts your colleague on strict notice.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Two Roads Diverged in a Yellowed Wood: </strong>I’m about to graduate with my master’s degree this spring and I’m at a loss of what to do next. I’ve been (informally) offered a more permanent job where I’m currently a graduate assistant. I love the work I do and I know the money/benefits would be a great start in this field. But the job has nothing to do with my degree in English Literature. I’ve wanted to get my Ph.D. and become a professor since I was in high school but the cost and time burden with no real promise of a guaranteed position at an institution has me favoring the job offer. Any advice?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Take the job. Everything about it sounds good, and it will give you the chance to take a break from being a student and see how you like working in academia. You have a lifetime goal of being an English professor. However, considering what is happening on campus—the shrinking of humanities departments and the replacement of professors with adjuncts—your goal may be like that of someone who in the 19<sup>th</sup> century hoped to own a fleet of buggies. After a couple of years in the workforce, you’ll have a better idea what you want professionally and what your realistic opportunities might be.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Ungrateful Brother?: </strong>My brother, his wife, and 2-year-old son moved in with my husband and me last year for three months (rent free) while they transitioned from living overseas. It was a tough time for everyone as they were adjusting to life in the United States and we got exhausted from cooking and cleaning for them while being kept up at night by a crying child. They confronted me last week claiming that they had a terrible experience and accused me of lacking empathy. We are very hurt by their ingratitude. What is the best way to handle this situation?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It would be fun to say, “My sincere apologies for your bad time mooching at our home for three months. I appreciate that because of my full-time job, my cooking and cleaning was not up to your standards, and you’re only giving us a one-star rating. This low quality was exacerbated by my being unable to sleep because of the nightly crying. In order not to subject you to such subpar accommodations, I will make sure not to have your family stay at our place ever again.” However, this ingrate has already confronted you and you reacted in real time. Maybe you want to continue the conversation and clear the air. Could it be you snapped (understandably) during their stay and now regret it? Or do you want to point out that you felt as if they thought you were running a hotel? But my general reaction is to file away what ingrates they are and not let it get to you. Thank goodness they’re not living with you anymore, and you don’t want to have a falling out that would estrange you from your nephew. Just make a private resolution that if they are ever are in extremis again, that they will need to find more agreeable accommodations.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Pretend to Ignore My Janitor Brother?: </strong>We recently had our long-term buildings/facilities manager put in his resignation. By all accounts he always went above and beyond in all aspects of his job. When asked why he was resigning, he noted that several younger engineers in our office had been treating the support staff poorly. He was eventually convinced to stay after all the senior management and engineers expressed to him our displeasure with this attitude and made sure all the junior engineers were acquainted with how important the support staff is. I hope she chooses to own the relationship and not buckle under peer pressure. Everyone deserves respect.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for this important message about seeing and valuing the contributions made by all the people in an organization.</p>
<p><strong>Q. High School Girl Drama: </strong>My 14-year-old daughter is involved with a group of girls that have been friends since second grade. She had a falling out with one girl over a position in a sport they—and several in their group—both play. They don’t speak anymore. This girl invited my daughter to her birthday party and my she was going to attend. However, another “friend” informed her that the hostess hates her now and only invited her to be polite, whereas my daughter thought it was a peace-making gesture. She wavered about going and ultimately did not go because things are so cool between her and the hostess. Now her other friends are angry with her and nobody is speaking to her. I thought all this would blow over but it’s not going away. She wants to change schools.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>How I wish your daughter had gone. Being polite is a peace-making gesture, and if your daughter had shown up, and everyone had gotten along, even despite some underlying tension, that might have turned things around. Instead some drama-stirrers stirred things up, your daughter got her back up, and now here you are. I think your daughter should be the one to make a gesture to the hostess. Go with her to buy a birthday present—one that’s neither chintzy nor extravagant. Then help your daughter compose a note to accompany the gift explaining she appreciated being invited to the party, she wishes she had gone, and she is hoping that they can start talking again. Then see what happens. In the meantime, you can help your daughter set up an appointment with the school counselor to talk about things. If this person is any good, the counselor should have some practical advice on helping your daughter through this rocky time. Even if her long-time friends are snubbing her, surely the school is big enough that your daughter can reach out to other kids. Yes, it’s too late now for her to be in the school play, but in the fall she can join some other activities (the yearbook, school paper, Spanish club, etc.). Changing schools is the nuclear option, and it sounds like there’s still plenty of room for negotiation.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Hubby Gaining Weight: </strong>I have an incredibly loving and supportive husband. He’s wonderful in every way. We have been married for 13 years that has blessed us with three children. We were both slim and trim when we met. He had put a few pounds on each year, but now it seems like they are just piling on. He now needs a new wardrobe. How do I suggest in the kindest of ways to join a gym and diet instead of buying new clothes to fit the new girth? He is not obese, but his build is similar to his father’s, who is ginormous. I feel terrible to make the suggestion, especially since I have been able to maintain my weight. He works hard, is a great husband and father, and deserves life’s indulgences, if that’s what he wants.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>As you know, no one can make someone else lose weight. Your husband needs new clothes, so please don’t try to prevent him from being able to button his jacket and zip his pants; that’s a basic necessity. I think you should think of the issue not as one of wanting him lose weight, but addressing a concerning trend. This is not time for hints. You can tell him you will love him no matter what size he is, but you are worried that what has been a weight gain of a few pounds a year has recently become much more significant. You mention his ginormous father, so your husband is likely fighting biology. But that doesn’t mean he has to just keep piling on the pounds. He needs professional help to give him a plan to help him plateau. He himself should want to find a way to maintain where he is so that a year from now he’s not sending his new wardrobe to the Salvation Army because he can no longer zip and button it. Tell him you’ll help look for a doctor, nutritionist, etc. because you want to support him being happy and healthy.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Pretend to Ignore My Janitor Brother?: </strong>I used to watch how my fellow computer programmers treated the secretaries. One or two were rude and contemptuous. That told me who they really were.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Indeed!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Ungrateful Brother: </strong>I feel like we have only half the story here. What if the writer was an ungracious host, made the brother and his family constantly feel unwelcome, was difficult and unsympathetic with the toddler, etc.? What if she insisted on cooking and cleaning either to be the martyr or because she thinks no one else can possibly do things right? I’d bet a whole lot of money that if the brother were on this chat he’d have a very different story to tell.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>The letter writer says tensions were high, and she may have been an unpleasant hostess. But I don’t see the purpose, now that they’re out of the house, of the brother and his wife unloading on how badly they feel they were treated for the three months they got free housing and food.</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next week!</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breast_feeding_ruined_my_sex_drive_should_i_do_it_anyway.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:03:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_brother_is_the_office_janitor.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-31T13:03:00ZPrudie advises a woman worried that her brother being the office janitor might hurt her career.LifeHelp! My Brother Is the Office Janitor. Should I Pretend Not to Know Him?100150331003Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_brother_is_the_office_janitor.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41333361940013926365990001Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Thinkstock.Bottled Uphttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breast_feeding_ruined_my_sex_drive_should_i_do_it_anyway.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon. I look forward to your questions.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Post-Baby Sex Life: </strong>I have an 11-month-old I’m still nursing but would like to put more effort into getting my sex life back on track. My husband has been very patient but he’s anxious to ramp things back up to where they were before (one to two times a week). The problem is that I think the nursing hormones are killing my sex drive. I’m like a nun here. Any advice?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Search around for “breast-feeding and libido” and you will see that you may indeed have identified a reason for your plunging sex drive. You’re likely heading toward weaning in the next few months, so the biological aspect of this should start taking care of itself. In the meantime, just do it. Start by having appointment sex once a week. Does that sound sexy? No. But you will discover having sex is sexy, even if you enter it in your calendar first. Lots of women who experience a generalized loss of desire find that once they are in the middle of making love they start thinking, “Oh, yeah, this is why I used to like doing this.” Doing it will be its own reward for you, your husband, and your marriage.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Furious Fianc&eacute;: </strong>My state is finally allowing me to marry my boyfriend, and we are tying the knot this summer. Everything looks wonderful except one thing—my fianc&eacute; is demanding that I cut off ties with my best friend. I’ve known her since high school, and she has always been there for me. Her family took me in when my parents kicked me out. She stayed by my bedside after my suicide attempt. No matter what, I knew I could count on her. But she won’t come to our wedding because of her Christian faith. I understand where my fianc&eacute; is coming from. From his point of view, if someone disapproves of our love, why should we be friends with them? But I do care for her, and I want her in my life. What should I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Your letter is an example of how paradoxical, complicated, and yes, hypocritical people can be. I understand why your fianc&eacute; would want to ban your friend. But as torn as you might feel about your relationship with her, I don’t think you should give into your fianc&eacute;’s ban. This person literally was a life-saver for you. I find the religious prohibition on recognition of same-sex relationships to be benighted. But this country has undergone a rapid and remarkable revolution in attitudes about same-sex marriages. That’s been accomplished lots of ways, and one is through these kinds of one-on-one friendships. Explain to your fianc&eacute; that you understand his ire, but you think the way to ultimately continue positive change is not by rejecting someone you love (and also disagree with) but by continuing your embrace. Ask him to understand the totality of your relationship and your hope that ultimately he and your dear friend will come to be friends, too.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Cult Recruiting Our Daughter: </strong>Some cultists came to our door, and unfortunately our teenage daughter answered. They talked to her, and now they keep coming back. I try to head them off, but sometimes she answers first, and talks to them. They gave her a book, which I have seen her reading. I’m very worried that she might decide to join their cult. How can I stop this?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>First, stop freaking out. Reading some insane cult literature is not tantamount to packing her bags and taking off. You talk to your daughter about this—calmly and factually. Explain what cults are, and how they target young people, because teenagers by definition are chafing at their normal life. Say she’s certainly entitled to read their literature, but you ask that she look at some articles about what happens to people in the cult. Then you keep your eye on things, but also let it go. If you’re home when these jerks come, tell them to buzz off and that you’ll call the police if they don’t—and maybe your neighborhood has rules about door-to-door solicitation. Remember: The harder you press your daughter, the more attractive the cult becomes.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Nursing Mom: </strong>Following up on the nursing mother’s question, why recommend that she make herself “just do it” instead of asking the father to continue to be patient and create conditions that promote the return of her desire? Why is it the woman’s responsibility to meet the man’s “needs”?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>She is frustrated with her own lack of desire, and there is nothing unreasonable about a husband wanting in a patient way to resume having regular sex almost a year after the baby is born. I also have a letter from a husband who said that once his wife weaned the baby, her libido came roaring back, much to the pleasure of both of them. It can be a shock for someone used to feeling free-floating desire to have it disappear. So I’m suggesting accepting that biological reality and dealing with it in a positive way. I hope in any marriage both partners want to meet each other’s reasonable, and expected, needs—and I don’t think quotation marks are necessary when discussing the need for sexual relations.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Lost After Loss: </strong>My mother passed away suddenly about a month ago at the age of 60, leaving my family devastated. I live on the East Coast and have a great job, a husband, and love the area. That being said, I am now very torn about not being close to my father, brother, and the rest of my family who all live on the West Coast. My husband is willing to do whatever I need to do, but I don’t know if I should uproot our life (temporarily or permanently). Or should we just increase the number of visits? I feel huge regret for not being closer while my mom was alive, and I don’t want to feel the same way if I were to suddenly lose someone else.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I’m sorry for your loss—your mother was young and a sudden death like this understandably is leaving you unmoored and wanting to reconnect with all you’ve lost. I’ve heard from many people who have suffered such losses and a frequent piece of advice is to not do anything drastic for a year. You are in shock and grief, and that is not a good place to make major life decisions from. If you can, go to see the rest of your family as frequently as possible. Invite them out to see you—a change of scene will be good for them. Be kind to yourself. You are only a month out and your world has been turned upside down. Then, a year from now, take stock of how you feel and see if you still have a desire to—in a methodical way—relocate to be closer to your family.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Back on Track: </strong>Just one caveat: Make a deal with your husband that if you don’t get into it halfway through you can pull the plug and try again next week. My husband not giving me any guilt about this at all has worked wonders for our sex life. I’ll give it a go every time I’m tired, and 9 out of 10 times I enjoy it. The 10<sup>th</sup> time, no harm no foul. The two times I pressured myself to go along with it despite the mood not kicking in I couldn’t stand the thought of sex for at least a week afterward.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Of course appointment sex is not a legally binding document! It sounds as if you and your husband have excellent communication and a desire to please each other.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Too Much Touching: </strong>I have been dating a really nice guy for about six months. He’s smart, driven, and we have fun together. There’s one thing that irks me, though. When we’re some place like the movies, a concert, walking down the street, he always has to be holding my hand. I enjoy a good cuddle on the couch while watching a movie, but sometimes I need my physical space and sometimes it’s just not comfortable. I can tell he dislikes it when I say, “I’d rather not right now.” Should I suck it up and deal with it? What’s the polite way to broach this?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>A basic rule of any relationship is respecting each other’s physical needs. I’ve heard from people on both ends of this spectrum—it’s particularly acute regarding those who want to spend the night entwined with their lover and those who feel a touch of someone’s else toe prevents them from sleeping. What’s most difficult is when one party has high touch needs or another party is touch averse. But it doesn’t sound as if you abhor a cuddle or a hand hold; you just need to be more occasional. Once you make that clear, that means your partner has to back off. If he mopes and sulks, you two have a communication problem. So at a neutral time, bring this up. Explain as you have here that while you two are compatible on many fronts, this is a source of tension, and you’d like to be able to talk about it. Let’s hope he is able to let this—and your hand—go.</p>
<p><strong>Q. How to Tell Housekeeper to “Retire”: </strong>My grandfather has a housekeeper of almost 25 years. She’s a wonderful woman who treats him very well, and takes care of many of his needs, and whom he also takes care of through proper pay and good companionship and stories of my late grandmother. It has come to my attention that she has no plans beyond his passing, and expects me, his heir and owner of his home, to continue to employ her. I do love what this woman has provided for my family patriarch, but I won’t need or be able to afford her services. How can I gently, and without offending her into leaving while Grandpa is still alive, make sure that she understands that she needs to be prepared to secure her own financial future once his time does come?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I think you need to do more than say, when the time comes, “Hazel, we’re selling my grandfather’s house and I use Maids to Go. You’re not needed anymore.” If your grandfather has been able to afford a full-time housekeeper for 25 years, it sounds as if he is a man of means who will be leaving a substantial estate behind. That means he has an obligation to this long-time employee. You need to talk to your grandfather about this and someone from the family, preferably his executor, should go with him to his estate lawyer and discuss making a provision for this loyal professional.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Dating Payment Etiquette: </strong>I started going out with a new guy about two months ago, and with the exception of maybe our first two dates—just coffee—he has paid for everything for me. Movies, zoo, concerts, etc. For background, I’m a recent college grad about to get my teaching license, and I’m currently unemployed, living with my mom and dad, and looking for a part-time job. He’s gainfully employed and has standard financial responsibilities for a single guy in his mid-20s. The thing is, I’m starting to feel guilty about his constantly footing the bill, and I’m not sure how to broach the topic. I realistically can’t pay for expensive dates right now, and I’m careful to always suggest relatively low-cost outings that I could pay for myself, but he takes it upon himself to pay for me. I don’t mind (!), but I don’t want him to think I expect it either, when I’m very happy with free local, low-key events. Should I just keep quiet and let him keep paying? Should I say something?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Tell him you appreciate his footing the bill, but you need to reciprocate. You can either invite him over for dinner at your place (you can decide whether it’s with your parents there or whether you encourage them to go on a date night) or you offer to bring the food (spaghetti) and make dinner for him at his. It’s fine that he’s able to underwrite your more expensive outings, but you can tell him that until you get a job and can pick up a tab yourself, you want to be able to do things that don’t always require him opening his wallet.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: About That Cult: </strong>I have a feeling the letter writer in the cult case is a Christian and the “cult” she is referring to are Mormons. This may just be a case of someone not being open-minded to other denominations of Christianity.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Interesting, thanks. However, the daughter is a minor and I can understand anyone not wanting their minor child to be evangelized. Whatever the organization, the mother needs to stay cool and keep the communication open.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_brother_is_the_office_janitor.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Mon, 30 Mar 2015 19:11:14 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breast_feeding_ruined_my_sex_drive_should_i_do_it_anyway.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-30T19:11:14ZPrudie counsels a woman whose sex drive has been killed by breast-feeding. Should she have sex anyway?LifeHelp! Breast-Feeding Has Killed My Sex Drive. Should I Do It Anyway?100150330007Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breast_feeding_ruined_my_sex_drive_should_i_do_it_anyway.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41333361940013926365990001Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ThinkstockDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_30_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breast_feeding_ruined_my_sex_drive_should_i_do_it_anyway.html"><em>Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat</em>.</a></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 30 Mar 2015 16:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_30_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-30T16:00:00ZFor March 30, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150325021adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_30_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeTo B-Cup or Not to B-Cuphttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_daughter_has_small_breasts_should_i_offer_her_a_boob_job.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_30_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I was barely an AA cup as a young woman and very self-conscious about it. At age 36, after I finished nursing my youngest, I had breast augmentation surgery. For the past 10 years I’ve been a B cup, and I’ve been completely satisfied with my decision. My daughter, who’s about to turn 18, has inherited her breast size from me. Although we haven’t talked about it explicitly, I suspect she’s just as self-conscious about it as I was. She has literally run away to hide while I consulted with the lingerie sales lady about bras for her.&nbsp;I’m thinking about offering her the option of augmentation surgery before she goes to college. She doesn’t know I have implants, and we’re not generally an image-centric or pro–plastic surgery kind of family. But I’m worried that if I suggest this, I might create the very self-consciousness that I’m aiming to help her relieve. I don’t want her to think that I think there’s anything wrong with her body. Is this a terrible idea? And if I’m not crazy, how do I bring this up in a way that doesn’t imply that I think there’s something wrong with her?</p>
<p>—Flat-Chested Family</p>
<p>Dear Flat,<br /> I wish that a few years ago you’d started talking with your girl about your own lack of development and how it affected you. She would have stared at your chest in confusion, and you would have explained that despite your general qualms about plastic surgery, getting breast implants was the right decision for you. The point of this conversation would not have been to steer her to go under the knife, but to make this subject less a source of embarrassment and taboo. As it gradually became a more comfortable topic of discussion, you could have explained that despite your self-consciousness, tiny breasts did not affect your love life. And I hope you would truthfully have been able to say the decision to expand your cup size was yours alone and not due to pressure from your husband. (If your daughter is like my daughter, by this point she would have pulled a blanket over her head and pretended to be unconscious. But that doesn’t mean she’s not listening.) You have a paradoxical message: It’s a waste of emotional energy to focus on such a superficial thing; doing something about it made your life better. The good news is that it’s not too late to begin this conversation. But don’t start by saying, “To celebrate your college acceptance, I want to pay for a set of new breasts.” Start by telling her your secret. You also note that you waited until you were done breast-feeding to get enhanced. That is an important consideration. While it is possible to <a href="http://www.bfar.org/possible-augmentation.php">breast-feed</a> after implant surgery, it is not guaranteed, and it’s too much to expect an 18-year-old to be able to adequately grapple with these considerations. In addition, although the risk is low, such surgery can also affect feeling in the breast. Your daughter should experience pleasure with her unadulterated breasts before even thinking whether to alter them, and from what I hear, college will give her ample opportunity to do so.</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am a mid-30s educated black woman with a bachelor’s degree. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a past felony conviction, and we have an extremely loving, rambunctious, highly energetic 5-year-old son together. I majored in communications and HR, but I have been unsuccessful in finding a career in my field and am in an entry-level administrative role. My fianc&eacute; is working for a very low wage due to the felony conviction. I would love to expose our son to so much, but the finances are just not there. I am disappointed in our local school district ratings and have decided that for kindergarten I will send him to a charter school. I worry about our son’s future constantly as I see that the opportunities for our young black youth are severely lacking. I feel that we have brought this child into circumstances that are not conducive to his living a better life in the future, and I feel so much guilt because of that. My fianc&eacute; is of the mindset that he will do fine without our putting a large amount of pressure on him and that our income level will have no effect on him. But at work there are young people who are doing extremely well in life, and they all came from affluent families who could afford for them to live in areas where the school districts are high-performing. I want my child to have the same opportunities. How do I get rid of the heartache and guilt I feel at not being able to give our son the best?</p>
<p>—Frustrated Mother</p>
<p>Dear Frustrated,<br /> Your concern about your son and his opportunities, even though it is a source of anguish for you, is a wonderful thing for him. He has two parents who love him more than anything and are focused on giving him the best life possible. That makes him a lucky boy. So it would be a relief for you, him, and your fianc&eacute; if you could let go of some of the psychological baggage you are carrying. Of course you want to maximize your son’s opportunities, but dwelling on your anxiety degrades your ability to enjoy being a mother and will affect your son. If you can give yourself permission to be happier about what you’ve accomplished and the family you have made, that sense of joy will be its own reward. Putting aside what you want for your son, let’s address your career difficulties. There is no easy fix, as you know, but please read the suggestions in <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_dating_a_shorter_man_should_i_warn_people.single.html">my answer</a> to this letter from another young person&nbsp;stuck at work.&nbsp;As for your son, I recommend that you read <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0812984897/?tag=slatmaga-20">Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life</a></em>. The book is filled with practical and philosophic insights. The authors, Joe Brewster and Michele Stephenson, wisely emphasize the importance of play and nurture. You have a high-energy son, and unfortunately kindergarten today has been turned into an academic boot camp where he’s going to be expected to sit still and wield a pencil. So make sure there is plenty of opportunity for him to get exercise. Organized sports are useful, but also important is free play in local parks and playgrounds. Do not overlook the crucial effect of your daily interactions—you and his father talking to him, reading to him, and playing with him are not only free, but they are the building blocks of his emotional, intellectual, and physical development. There are going to be a lot of resources in your community that you can take advantage of, from the YMCA, to the Boys &amp; Girls Clubs of America, etc. Expose your son to different things—art, chess, music, sports—to see what sparks his interest. While you look for enrichment programs for him, find a parenting class for yourselves. This will offer support, good ideas, and reassurance about how you’re doing. Remember that feeling that raising your son is one of the greatest sources of joy in your life and communicating that to him will be priceless.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> Five years ago, I married the love of my life. We did not invite my older sister, from whom I was estranged at the time. My older sister has a history of making public scenes and has repeatedly refused psychiatric help, despite the many entreaties of our family. The wedding was attended by both of our families, and we had a lovely time. This year, my sister is getting married. In spite of the fact that we have resumed a relationship (of sorts), I am not invited to the wedding. I am hurt and want to ask my parents not to attend. How do I deal with this, and can I ask my family not to go to her wedding?</p>
<p>—Something Blue</p>
<p>Dear Something,<br /> You say your sister has a history of untreated mental illness, which helped cause her estrangement from you, resulting in your not inviting her to your wedding. Now you have a tentative relationship with her. But she’s paying you back for your snub by not inviting you to her wedding. Sure, it’s not very mature on her part, but this is something you’re just going to have to understand and suck up. Your desire to destroy her nuptials by launching a familywide boycott says to me that your sister is not the only person in your family prone to acting out. You need to tell your family that you want them all to have a good time at the wedding and that you and your sister are slowly working your way back to having a relationship. Then send her a lovely gift with a heartfelt note of good wishes. Add that when they get back from their honeymoon, you and your husband would like to take them out to dinner to celebrate this happy news.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> When I started dating my husband seven years ago, he was always the guy with the latest gadgets. As the years have gone by, this interest has become an addiction, and he is now always glued to something. In our wedding photos, he’s using the phone at the reception for Facebook and Instagram updates. On our honeymoon, he wanted to stay in the room and watch YouTube videos on his tablet. He can’t eat a meal without the TV on. When I was in labor, he spent the entire time playing <em>Clash of Clans</em>. I drive because he uses the devices while driving. He complains about our sex life, but it’s hard to initiate foreplay while he is playing games or watching videos in bed. We have arguments about tiny things because the devices get in the way of effective communication. As our baby grows, I’m worried that he will neglect him as well or impart this addiction to him. What should I do?</p>
<p>—Tech Widow</p>
<p>Dear Tech,<br /> Was he watching porn when your child was conceived? You need to take the tech out of his hands and say you two need a half hour of face-to-face conversation. Explain that while you appreciate having your own personal IT department, you are lacking a husband, and your child is lacking a father. Perhaps you should record this conversation on your phone, because his agitation at being devoid of devices will be a helpful video to show your marriage counselor. Tell your techie that because he has effectively withdrawn from your marriage, you two need professional intervention before there’s no marriage left to save.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_my_husband_tried_to_record_my_friend_undressing.html">Cad Cam</a>: My husband tried to record my friend undressing—and then told us about it!”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_a_cute_guy_at_work_flirted_with_me_just_to_make_fun_of_me.html">Jerks Incorporated</a>: A cute guy at work pretended to like me—just to make me the company laughingstock.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_is_a_30_year_old_virgin.html">Better Laid Than Never</a>: My beau is a 30-year-old virgin. How do I get him into the sack?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_once_had_a_one_night_stand_with_my_new_crush_s_brother.html">Once Upon a One-Night Stand</a>: I slept with my new crush's brother long ago. Should I come clean?”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_our_son_s_best_friend_is_forbidden_by_his_religious_parents.html">Bugs Bunny Is Satan</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose son's friend is forbidden from watching cartoons.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_my_husband_is_having_erectile_problems_and_i_m_not_being_supportive.html">Won’t Stand for It</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman annoyed at her husband’s erectile problems.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_should_i_be_worried_my_6_year_old_is_wetting_himself.html">A Wee Problem</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman worried her young son's wetting himself is a sign of sexual abuse.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_fiancee_wants_to_be_in_my_family_photos_at_the_wedding.html">Bridling Bride</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a man whose fianc&eacute;e wants to be in his family’s photos at the wedding.”</p>Thu, 26 Mar 2015 10:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_daughter_has_small_breasts_should_i_offer_her_a_boob_job.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-26T10:00:00ZMy college-bound daughter is ashamed of her small breasts. Should I offer to pay for a boob job?LifeHelp! Should I Offer My Flat-Chested Daughter a Boob Job?100150325019Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_daughter_has_small_breasts_should_i_offer_her_a_boob_job.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41333361940013926365990001Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Shutterstock.Much, Much Younger Womanhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_much_much_younger_woman.html
<p>In this week’s video, a divorced older man who has recently started online dating seeks counsel from Prudie after being approached by a woman less than half his age.</p>Wed, 25 Mar 2015 17:27:28 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_much_much_younger_woman.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-25T17:27:28ZWould it be creepy to date someone half my age?VideoHelp! Would It Be Creepy to Date a Woman Half My Age?100150325011Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_much_much_younger_woman.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t413333619400139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41333361940013926365990001Sex Edhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_sister_slept_with_her_high_school_teacher_then_married.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Sister Married Her Statutory Rapist: </strong>Eight years ago, when we were both in high school, I discovered my sister was sleeping with her English teacher. I told my parents, but our English teacher was 22, and she convinced them it was true love. My parents declined to press charges as long as the relationship went on hold until my sister turned 18. I didn’t agree and told my principal and the cops; the teacher went to jail. My sister’s now married to him and has never forgiven me for turning her husband in, especially since he’s now a registered sex offender. They have a daughter, and if it weren’t for their relationship’s origins, I would say he’s a great husband and father. I miss my sister so much. I’m not welcome in my niece’s life. My parents are tired of the rift between us. Did I make a mistake? How can I repair our bond?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>What’s irrefutable is that the teacher was breaking the law, and once this became known, society said he had to pay a price for his crime. There’s no defense for a high school teacher, even one only five years older than his students, to have sex with a student. You took action that the adults in your life refused to take by blowing the whistle on someone who was a potential serial predator. As it turns out, the teacher and your sister really were in love, and your whistle-blowing blew up their lives. Your brother-in-law’s ability to earn a living, or even live where he wants, is going to be circumscribed by his sex offender status—your sister and their child will have to live with the consequences of this. All this means this is a complicated and painful situation, and you surely can understand their abiding anger. I suggest you write a letter to your sister telling her how much you miss her, how you know from your parents that she and “Dave” have built a wonderful life together, and how much it pains you not to be able to be an aunt to their little girl. You can say you understand their feelings, but you are asking if all these years later the estrangement can start to be healed. You have to do so knowing that silence may be their answer and that your parents are just going to have to live with this rift.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Kindergarten Leg Hair: </strong>Our daughter is in kindergarten and is very conscious of the fact that she has hair on her legs (she is not hirsute, but it shows) and refuses to wear shorts to school. We are of Asian Indian origin, so the hair on her legs stands out. We also feel that she is too young to remove the hair and have tried convincing her that it is OK to wear shorts and not care what others say (we think that some kids in school are mildly teasing her about this). Any tips on how to convince her to accept it and ignore any teasing?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Recently, I had a <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_when_should_my_daughter_start_shaving_her_legs.html">similar letter from the mother of an 11-year-old</a>. I told that mother to let her verge-of-puberty daughter shave. I don’t want to define depilation down, and I feel that a 5-year-old is too young for this, but my heart goes out to your self-conscious, hairy-legged sprite. I agree that it’s important to be able to ignore teasing and stand up for oneself. But your daughter doesn’t want to stand up on such hairy legs. I think it’s possible to make clear to her that her legs are lovely and strong and that the hair on them is nothing worth focusing on, while also recognizing it has taken on outsize importance in her life. I think it’s worth, on an experimental basis, to say you’re going to do something about it and see how all of you then feel. Shaving her legs is a tiny, temporary cosmetic fix that could bring her major relief.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Hoping Not to Embarrass Boyfriend: </strong>My group of college friends (including my ex-boyfriend) take an annual vacation where we rent a house together. It’s always fun and a rare chance to see some good, old friends. Significant others are invited, and I want my boyfriend, Jim, to be there. While Jim has met the ex once before without any problems, I am worried Jim will feel inadequate if he comes on this trip. It’s a tradition that we all go skinny dipping. I don’t care about it and am satisfied with Jim, but the ex is extremely well-endowed, and I don’t want Jim to feel insecure.</p>
<p>Should I skip the trip? Say something to Jim about how it doesn’t matter to me? Just go skinny dipping and pretend he won’t notice?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If Jim is as well-endowed as you say, let’s hope that when he jumps in the pool, the displacement doesn’t empty it of water. There’s no good way to tell your boyfriend in advance that he will soon see that your ex is hung like a horse then try to reassure him that you don’t miss this stallion. Don’t prepare him in any way. If after the swim your boyfriend notes the special qualities of your ex, you can say, “Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed.” Let’s hope he laughs and then accepts your confirmation that he is more than enough for you.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Downsizing in Every Way: </strong>My new wife has lived with me in my deceased first wife’s house for two years (with all that entails), mostly patiently and with grace. I was married for many years and have grown children. We are moving, and she wants the new place to be all about us, only us, no pictures or mementos that may include my deceased first wife. Is it normal for the new wife to want to expunge the deceased wife? Am I wrong to resist this? How do I keep a memory of the deceased wife if I can only do so in my (not very trustworthy) head? Help!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>My husband was a <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/05/my_husbands_other_wife.html">young widower</a>, and because his first wife was being treated for cancer for most of their marriage, they were not able to have children. I came into a home with plenty of mementos of Robin. Unless the widowed spouse holds the saintly image of the dead husband or wife over the head of the new love, or makes the new home a shrine to the late spouse, I do not understand being jealous of this important past relationship. I happily use Robin’s dishes every day, admire her good taste, and think she would be glad that our daughter grew up using them. For the first few years of our marriage, my husband had a picture of Robin by his computer. One day I noticed it was no longer there, and he said he felt he was ready to put it away. But you are in a different situation. You have children by your late wife, and there’s something disturbing about your not being able to have a family photo—which features her—in your home office, or guest room, or even to retain other mementos of your long life together. You and your new wife need to talk this out as nondefensively as possible. Find out if particular things bother her, or if she feels insecure because you loved before. I hope you can reassure her that your love for her is as true, unique, and special as your love for your first wife.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Kid With Leg Hair: </strong>As someone who works in pediatrics, I feel that the possible emotional and self-conscious issues that will arise from teasing/bullying for which children are so famous must outweigh our own social feelings about “feminizing/objectifying” women. Obviously, we don’t want the kid to feel that her appearance is the most important thing to her, but at the same time, you don’t want her to have a terrible school experience due to something that’s simply fixed. If mom does decide to let her shave, she needs to be very careful, however, to remind her daughter that while many people in the world care about appearances, she’s so much more than that—and the shaving is simply to make her school experience a bit more fun and a bit less stressful.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I agree with you and only reluctantly suggested shaving. Even if the mother shaves the daughter’s legs, she has to also give the message you are expressing here.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Mom’s Wish for Her Ashes Is Illegal: </strong>My charming and beautiful mother passed away last year. She was a passionate historian, and her wishes were to have her ashes scattered at an important (though privately owned) historical site where she used to work. Since then management has changed, and I hardly think they would honor my request to bury her ashes on that hallowed ground. This place doesn’t even let visitors take photographs! The laws in my state are purposely ambiguous on the subject of legality of ash scattering—however, the official sources do require that permission is given by the owners of private property. My rebel mom loved the idea of us having to sneak on grounds to complete this last ardent act of commemoration—but I’m not so keen on risking arrest, even if the worst they could hit me with is a trespassing violation. I’m afraid that if we proceed, it will be fairly obvious what we’re doing. My grandmother will have to travel to any grassy spot in a wheelchair, and furthermore—what else would a motherless family be standing in a circle, sobbing among the tulips be doing, if not scattering ashes? What to do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You can attempt to honor her wishes by contacting management, explaining your situation, and seeing what they say. If they say no, then you have to recognize none of you are the rebels your mother was, and you need to find a place that will be fitting grounds for the remains of your free-spirited history lover.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Peter Pan Dad: </strong>My dad left my mom for his much younger girlfriend, who now lives with him. He’s become selfish, immature, and cruel. He has loud sex with her when my sister and I visit, even though they both know we can hear. He fought my mom tooth and nail on alimony and child support, even though he can afford both. Worst of all, he lets his girlfriend’s creepy brother live with them, despite my sister and me explaining our discomfort to him. He’s not a dad anymore, and I don’t know why. He says he’s finally found himself, but I thought he was a loving, doting father. Do you ever hear from fathers who eventually see the error of their ways?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I have heard from dads who wake up from their Neverland dreams and see they’ve screwed over their first family. But you can’t count on Peter growing up. So what you must do is deal with reality. Since he’s not paying attention, maybe you should put down on paper how you’re feeling. You do not want your letter to be accusatory, but you can say that when you come over, you feel like an unwanted visitor interrupting his time with his girlfriend. You can mention when you and your sister are alone with her brother, you don’t feel comfortable. You can say you understand your old family is gone and a new phase has begun, but you miss having his loving attention. If he can’t change, talk to your mother about modifying your visits. You may want to vastly cut back or even stop going. I hope realizing what he’s about to lose reawakens the dormant adult in your dad.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Registering Sex Offenders: </strong>It would be nice if we could stop putting on the registry every person whose love affair breaks an age rule in the same category with violent rapists, serial pedophiles, and abusers of small children.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I totally agree that the registry is out of control and has swept up many people who present zero danger to society. Getting on this is a life-ruiner. If we are going to have a sex offender registry, it should be narrow and targeted. Of course, there are almost no politicians with the guts to stand up for this. It’s so much easier to churn out ever more draconian rules under the purported guise of making society safer.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Well-Endowed: </strong>My BF and I used to be poly, and he knew my husband was packing a lot more than he was. He also knows all the virtues I think he has and the reason I am with him and not my ex-husband. Just because you like Italian food doesn’t mean a big sausage is all you need.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Mortadella? Soppressata? Let’s not even think about Polish sausages!</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Have a good week!</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_has_stuffed_animals_two_dozen.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a></p>Tue, 24 Mar 2015 12:30:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_sister_slept_with_her_high_school_teacher_then_married.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-24T12:30:00ZPrudie counsels a letter writer whose sister slept with her teacher in high school—then married him.LifeHelp! My Sister Married Her Statutory Rapist.100150324003Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_sister_slept_with_her_high_school_teacher_then_married.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41155941420013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeBear Necessitieshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_has_stuffed_animals_two_dozen.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions.</p>
<p><strong>Q. My Boyfriend’s Stuffed Animal Collection: </strong>My boyfriend has about two dozen stuffed animals. They are, apparently, the survivors of a childhood collection once numbering over 100. When asked, he can explain the individual reason for each one he saved. (Invariably it was a gift from so-and-so, a group of people that includes family and friends but no exes). Most of them are kept on a shelf in his closet, but one has a place of honor on his bed. Part of me feels like it shouldn’t be any big deal—after all, I went to college with a teddy bear, who currently resides on my nightstand. But part of me keeps fixating on the fact that he’s a man in his 20s with two dozen stuffed animals, which is hardly the norm. Is this a cause for concern, or should I let it go?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>In Japan there is a disturbing trend for disaffected young men to <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/magazine/26FOB-2DLove-t.html?pagewanted=all&amp;_r=0">fall in love with a pillow</a> printed with their favorite anime character and announce the pillow is their girlfriend. So thank goodness your boyfriend does not have such a relationship with any of his little friends. Men have been told that women do not want testosterone-addled brutes in their lives (OK, maybe the success of <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0345803485/?tag=slatmaga-20">Fifty Shades</a> </em>sends some mixed messages), and you don’t get much less brutish than a stuffed animal collection. It’s a good sign that the group is only 20 percent of what it once was and that with one exception they live in the closet. You yourself have gone through life with a special teddy bear (do you bring him to your boyfriend’s for a sleepover with his special friend?), so you’re right, you should be more accepting. If this is the only thing that bothers you about a great guy, then you need to look at your own sexist beliefs.</p>
<p><strong>Q. I Was Molested, but I Don’t Want Help: </strong>I was molested by a trusted family friend for nearly two years. It ended when I was 13, and I’m in my mid-30s now. A few weeks ago, a family my wife and I are close with experienced the same thing with one of their children. Since then my wife, who has been aware of my history for years, has been pushing me to go to a therapist to discuss my own abuse, which I’ve never done. The thing is, I don’t feel like I need to do that. It doesn’t occupy my thoughts, I don’t feel damaged, and my wife and I have a happy marriage. I think dredging it all up again would be exhausting, and expensive, with little to no benefit that I can determine. She’s convinced that everyone who has been abused requires years of therapy to get over it. Last night she became so insistent that we actually fought about it. Am I wrong to resist? Should I put myself through therapy because it’s “what people do”? I realize talk therapy benefits many, many victims, but I don’t think I’m one of them. I don’t seem to be getting through to her. What should I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You went through a crushing experience and came out intact. Some people are blessed with such resilience, and it’s important for people to hear stories such as yours. Victims need to know that a terrible violation does not have to write the script for the rest of their lives. There certainly are patterns of response to such abuse, and many—if not most—who have suffered it will be helped by the support of professionals. But each person has to be seen as an individual, and it is damaging to force someone into a model that doesn’t fit. You don’t say your wife is noting that you haven’t coped as well as you think—that she points out, for example, that you need to drink heavily before having sex. She just has a blanket belief that someone who has been sexually abused is damaged in a specific way and requires a certain kind of medical attention. She is so unwilling to take your case on its merits that she is bullying you about this. That has to stop. You make a very important point that dredging up the past is not cost-free. For some people, examining the past and feeling a sense of control over their memories will be liberating. But there is also pain in such examination. You sound perfectly justified in not wanting to experience it. So if your wife won’t hear your explanation of this, you need to tell her she should see someone to deal with her anger about this, because her harping on this feels like a violation to you.</p>
<p><strong>Q. I Wanted a Divorce ... Now He Has Cancer: </strong>My husband and I should never have married. We are both 27 and have been married a little over five years. We met at a young age, and because we came from seriously religious backgrounds (we are no longer religious), we married quickly, but have no kids. Months into my marriage, I had realized I made a huge mistake. Our relationship depresses me. I want a life of happiness and even a little excitement—even if it’s as a single woman. I was planning on asking for a divorce, but he just dropped the bomb that he’s got cancer. He’s healthy and has a good chance of survival; it’s not like it’s terminal and I can wait it out either (awful thought, I know). I still want to leave, but it seems cruel and I can’t imagine what our friends and family will think. What can I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You can hold on to your long-term goal of leaving, but I think that you will not be able to live with yourself if you leave right now. You do have a moral obligation to see him through the worst. I hope his treatment is swift and effective—and not just for your sake. When he’s recovered sufficiently, recognize that when you do go, you will get brickbats and opprobrium from your nearest and dearest. There’s no way to avoid this, and you will have to have some prepared remarks along the lines of this being a wrenching decision that had nothing to do with your husband’s illness and leave it at that. If your husband secretly feels as you do about your marriage, it may be that he can help you by explaining to people your decision to split is about having married too young. Please find a counselor. You need someone to help guide you through the tough times to come.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Name Change: </strong>I’m in my early 40s and heading toward a major career change. I’ve always hated my first name and would like to change it. How can I notify people of this change without them thinking I’ve lost my mind—or maybe the question is how can I care less about what others think?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Women routinely change their last names and no one thinks they’ve lost their minds. You’re just changing your first name. You’re right that a break in your career is a good time to do it because you will have a group of people who will know you by nothing but your new moniker, or Monica. With everyone else you just say, “I’ve gone through life being a Gertrude who felt like a Monica, and now I’m going to become Monica.” But you must give people who have known you for four decades some leeway in making this switch. Keep your patience and good humor as you remind them, “Gertrude is no more, but Monica is fine, thanks.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: I Wanted a Divorce ... Now He Has Cancer: </strong>My best friend from college was getting ready to break up with her longtime boyfriend when he was in a terrible accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down. She was over him, but stayed together another year to help him through it. Eventually they broke up, but I know that he was grateful for her help, and I think she grew a lot as a person and became a stronger person for her next relationship. He went on to find a great girl and he is getting ready to propose to her (!), and my friend went on to have plenty of fun adventures, and ended up meeting a great guy. You’re still young, you can do anything for a year.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for this tough story with a wonderful ending.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Stuffed Animals: </strong>While I agree with your advice, I would advise the letter writer to be careful. I once had a boyfriend who kept around a dozen stuffed animals. He said they were his friends in times of need and his confidants in times of indecision. It turns out they were also his lovers in times of loneliness. Obviously, I broke up with him!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I really don’t want to know how you found this out. Thanks for this disturbing warning.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Marrying Young?: </strong>I am 19 years old. I started liking my boyfriend when I was 8 years old. We started dating when I was 15. He’s a grade ahead of me, and went to a college out of state, but we stayed together long-distance for the duration of it. Now I’m at the same college, and we want to live together. However, we really want to get married before we do. Is it insane to marry this young? We are an excellent couple, and I definitely think we will get married in a few years anyway. So why wait?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Because you’re 19 years old and you don’t in fact know how you’ll feel in a few years. It’s true there are many happy lifelong childhood sweethearts. There are also many childhood sweethearts who turn 30 and desperately wish they had explored their freedom and other people. I suggest you don’t even live together. If you do end up married, your college years will be a chance to live on your own, or with other people. It’s important that you have a chance to explore the world without always feeling part of a couple. If you do marry, these experiences will help make your marriage stronger.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_sister_slept_with_her_high_school_teacher_then_married.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>Mon, 23 Mar 2015 19:08:48 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_has_stuffed_animals_two_dozen.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-23T19:08:48ZPrudie advises a letter writer whose boyfriend still has a collection of stuffed animals.LifeHelp! My Boyfriend Has Stuffed Animals. A Lot of Stuffed Animals.100150323011Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_has_stuffed_animals_two_dozen.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41155941420013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_23_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_has_stuffed_animals_two_dozen.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 23 Mar 2015 16:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_23_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-23T16:00:00ZFor March 23, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150318015adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_23_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeRegreddithttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_our_daughter_in_law_posted_her_true_colors_on_an_internet.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_23_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> A</strong>bout six weeks ago my husband and I received an anonymous email that said we should check out what our daughter-in-law was posting on an Internet forum we’d never heard of. We were given a link and her username. We were shocked to discover she was spending vast amounts of work time posting to this forum. More upsetting was what she was posting about us and our son. We have been generous financially and otherwise to them and their children, but according to her posts she resents us and thinks we are “interfering.” We don’t think we are, and we’ve never had our offers refused. Worse is how she talks online about our son. He is very helpful around the house and she acknowledges he gets the kids ready for day care most mornings, plays with them after work, then works in the evening at home to advance his career. Despite this, she gripes about him and details the ways he annoys her. Perhaps the very worst is finding out she has a rather unsavory past, including phone-sex work, drug addiction, and embezzlement. We knew nothing of this, but she mentions these things without a trace of guilt or embarrassment on the forum. Do we say anything to our son about what we’ve discovered? There is a part of me that would love to just ignore all we’ve learned and try to maintain a good relationship with her because we love our son and grandchildren, but my husband has been steaming about our son being “taken” by someone we suddenly realize may not be a very nice person.</p>
<p>—Sick at Heart</p>
<p>Dear Sick,<br /> It’s a poor idea to grouse incessantly in a public forum, even if anonymously, with identifiable details about your in-laws and your husband. However, if in between posting her complaints, your daughter-in-law is able to attend to her work duties, this foolish way of blowing off steam is a misdemeanor. I admit I don’t get it, but lots of people, especially those who have come of age in the Internet age, are pretty casual about posting private things online.&nbsp;But then you got to the part about her essentially boasting about a history of drug addiction and embezzlement, and the scary staccato violin music started playing in the background. However, you give no indication that until you started reading her confessions you had any inkling about your daughter-in-law’s past or worries about her character. In the absence of compelling, current information that she is back on drugs or engaged in financial shenanigans, I think you need to stay out of this. Consider that it’s likely the whistle-blower (or snitch) would have also contacted your son, so he might already be privately weighing this information. But if he doesn’t know and you bring this to his attention, it has the potential to seriously destabilize their marriage. That could end up with you two cut out of your grandchildren’s lives, which would be terrible for everyone. You’ve now had your eyes opened, so keep them that way, while holding your tongue unless something alarming requires you to speak.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,<br /> I</strong> am in my 50s and my boyfriend is a loving and attentive man in his 60s. When we got together, our libidos jumpstarted to a degree that amazed me. I know that&nbsp;we are&nbsp;lucky. I also know that my baseline of sexual desire is not as high as he thinks. In the three years we have been together, life has taken a few whacks at me, and he’s stayed constant and true through life stresses and illness. Now, we are sorting out the process of combining households within a year. He is so excited about our upcoming life changes that he is once again alight with love’s passion. There are so many amorous texts that I can’t take the time to answer (I work, he doesn’t). I find myself tired after endless nights of hot flashes, and longing for some time together when we are not in the middle of an onslaught of deep kisses and fevered caresses. It seems unthinkable to complain about being so desired, and I can’t stand the thought of crushing his excitement. But as we approach living together, I’m exhausted by the prospect of so much daily ardor. Sometimes, I want to converse without being told I’m sexy and that he wants me. How do I tell him this without making him feel scolded and unwanted?</p>
<p>—Exhausted by Love</p>
<p>Dear Exhausted,<br /> First of all, toss his Cialis for daily use in the toilet and see if that doesn’t give you some relief. Second, carry a Taser for those times you want to unwind with a glass of wine and a Bravo show, and he wants to shove his tongue down your throat. If you are exhausted by the idea of his endlessly stoked passion, then don’t call the moving company. You’re still working, and it sounds like he’s got a lot of time on his hands, which he uses to tell you what he wants to do with his hands once you get off work. When a couple is in the first flush of desire and all they want to do is tear each other’s clothes off, that’s fun. But you’re three years in, and with your hots for him having cooled, you just want the same for your hot flashes. There is a bigger problem here than incompatible libidos: You don’t know how to tell him how you feel. If you two are going to see each other through the last part of your lives, you have to be able to converse freely about the hard things that come up—and I am not referring to his genitals.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> M</strong>y father is in his 70s. He is in great physical and mental condition. However, when he eats, he seems to have a habit of wanting to talk immediately after putting a lot of food in his mouth, and the food often falls out on the table or clings to his lips and it’s pretty disgusting. He’s been eating this way for a while, and I think he would be embarrassed if he was made aware of how grotesque he looks when he eats. Should I try to ignore it and accept this as part of what happens when you get old? Or is there a way to talk about it without hurting his feelings? I have tried to delicately say something like “Oh, you dropped some food there” when a particularly large chunk lands on the table, but he just picks it up and moves on without seeing the problem.</p>
<p>—Mouth Closed, Please</p>
<p>Dear Mouth,<br /> Here are some of the things I have instructed my daughter to say to me if the time comes that this needs saying: “Mom, you’ve got to do something about your beard.” “Getting older does not mean you no longer need deodorant.” “You’ve gotten into the habit of talking with your mouth full of food, and you’re spewing it everywhere.” Delicate is no match for distasteful, and you must be kind but direct. Tell him you’re so grateful that he remains in superb mental and physical shape, so you feel you can speak to him without having to dance around. Say that he probably isn’t even aware of this, but when you have a meal together, he talks when there’s still food in his mouth, and it’s not a pretty sight. Do make sure you have this discussion while away from the dinner table. I hope you have the kind of relationship where he will understand you’re willing to say something awkward because you value his company so much.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong><br /> My 3-year-old son is undergoing a series of doctor visits as part of an&nbsp;autism evaluation. At a recent visit, he was sitting&nbsp;at a&nbsp;desk&nbsp;performing&nbsp;basic skills (lacing&nbsp;beads,&nbsp;pointing to matching pictures, identifying letters) and after about 30 minutes of this he wanted to move around. He reached up and jostled a framed degree on the wall, which tipped off its nail and fell to the ground, knocking down a second degree with it. One frame broke upon hitting the floor, and I promptly cleaned it up while the doctor and my son moved on to other parts of the evaluation in a different room. My wife and I disagree about our obligation. I feel we should replace the frame, as our son broke it. She feels differently, saying the doctor should have the room more kid-proofed as this facility exclusively sees children with behavioral issues. Clearly the office could have done more, but my son is still the person who caused the frame to fall. What are your thoughts?</p>
<p>—Anxious Dad</p>
<p>Dear Anxious,<br /> I agree with both you and your wife. Sure, this was an accident, but it’s gracious to offer to replace a frame your child broke. I sincerely hope that if you do, this doctor waves off your gesture and says the diplomas should have been placed out of reach and not to worry about it. (And do not offer to replace the frame unless you can afford to do so.) You are understandably anxious—your little boy is being evaluated for a serious developmental condition. Once you decide whether or not to make an offer about replacing the frame, neither you nor your wife should put any more emotional energy into fretting over something so unimportant. It sounds as if the doctor handled this with aplomb, understanding that after half an hour of testing, anyone would want to stand up and stretch.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_my_husband_tried_to_record_my_friend_undressing.html">Cad Cam</a>: My husband tried to record my friend undressing—and then told us about it!”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_a_cute_guy_at_work_flirted_with_me_just_to_make_fun_of_me.html">Jerks Incorporated</a>: A cute guy at work pretended to like me—just to make me the company laughingstock.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_is_a_30_year_old_virgin.html">Better Laid Than Never</a>: My beau is a 30-year-old virgin. How do I get him into the sack?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_once_had_a_one_night_stand_with_my_new_crush_s_brother.html">Once Upon a One-Night Stand</a>: I slept with my new crush's brother long ago. Should I come clean?”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_our_son_s_best_friend_is_forbidden_by_his_religious_parents.html">Bugs Bunny Is Satan</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose son's friend is forbidden from watching cartoons.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_my_husband_is_having_erectile_problems_and_i_m_not_being_supportive.html">Won’t Stand for It</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman annoyed at her husband’s erectile problems.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_should_i_be_worried_my_6_year_old_is_wetting_himself.html">A Wee Problem</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman worried her young son's wetting himself is a sign of sexual abuse.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_fiancee_wants_to_be_in_my_family_photos_at_the_wedding.html">Bridling Bride</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a man whose fianc&eacute;e wants to be in his family’s photos at the wedding.”</p>Thu, 19 Mar 2015 10:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_our_daughter_in_law_posted_her_true_colors_on_an_internet.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-19T10:00:00ZOur daughter-in-law posts awful things about us—and herself—on an Internet forum.LifeHelp! Our Daughter-in-Law Is a Former Phone-Sexing Embezzling Drug Addict Who Hates Us.100150318014Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_our_daughter_in_law_posted_her_true_colors_on_an_internet.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41155941420013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeTiny Right-Wing Conspiracyhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_tiny_right_wing_conspiracy.html
<p>In this week's video, Prudie counsels a man who gets annoyed when his co-worker launches into political discussion.</p>Wed, 18 Mar 2015 17:42:49 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_tiny_right_wing_conspiracy.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-18T17:42:49ZMy co-worker can’t stop spouting her political views at the office.VideoHelp! My Co-Worker Can’t Stop Spouting Her Hateful Political Views at the Office.100150318011Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_tiny_right_wing_conspiracy.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t411559414200139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41155941420013926365990001Photo by Slate.Emily YoffeSmooth or Chunky?http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_son_had_a_dog_lick_peanut_butter_off_his_chest.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Kids Exploring ... Umm ... Dogs and Peanut Butter?: </strong>My innocent, sweet, kind, funny, outgoing, well-adjusted almost-13-year-old boy attended a sleepover with two other boys around the same age. These boys have a friendly, innocent, sweet dog. As a group, they covered their nipples in peanut butter and had the dog lick it off. He shared this with me in an “It was so funny!” kind of way. I am a solo mom and was completely freaked. I said “Don’t do that again, babe.” He asked, “Why not?” I scrambled around. “I just don’t think it’s a nice thing to do to the dog.” He said, “But Fido LOVES peanut butter!” I said something about it being kind of a sexual thing and I don’t think he should do it anymore and he seemed confused and embarrassed. I am not sure how I should have handled it. Thoughts?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Taking the tack that this yummy nipple treat was Fido abuse was bound to get a stunned reaction from your son. I’m sure he could assert that Fido was not in any way coerced into licking the peanut butter. There has been a well-noted societal shift in the last generation toward parents being way more involved in their children’s lives, and children feeling able to tell way more to their parents. But this episode makes me think there was something to be said for the era in which parents were off at cocktail parties oblivious to what their children were up to. What happened with Fido sounds indeed like crazy, innocent, hilarious fun. A good time was had by all, especially Fido. Your son wasn’t reporting to you because he felt somehow violated, but because he wanted to share what a good time he had. I think you overreacted and put an unnecessarily dark gloss on this. But this is a good opening for you to have a discussion about coercion and sexual exploration. Say you’ve been thinking over what he told you, and you feel your reaction wasn’t right and you can see that he just had a silly and hilarious episode and you’re glad he told you. Tell him you reacted the way you did because he’s getting older and sexual exploration is part of getting older—and it’s been on your mind. Acknowledge that this is an awkward subject for parents and kids to discuss. Tell him you want him always to feel safe, and have his boundaries respected and to have him respect those of others. Then reiterate that you’re glad he had so much fun at his sleepover.<a href="http://id.slate.com/identity/siteRegistration/editProfile"></a></p>
<p><strong>Q. Mommy Dearest: </strong>I am a young mother to a wonderful pair of 6-year-old twin girls. They are both energetic, playful, and smart. Over the years, I have noticed I tend to favor “Lily” over “Ronnie.” It causes a pit of discomfort in my stomach even typing this, but I know that favoritism stems from Lily’s appearance. Lily is an extraordinarily cute little girl and has been approached by many talent scouts. Ronnie is beautiful in her own way, but she is more plain than Lilly. My ex-husband has noticed my favoritism and says it’s shallow and disgusting. He suggested I seek guidance from a psychiatrist. Am I really such a terrible mother I need professional help? I know it would be ideal if I felt the same way of each of my twins, but can I really help that I prefer one to the other?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You are a human being, so as with all humans, you are flawed. Good for you for recognizing a big one. But when you know a flaw will have a serious impact on the emotional health of your child, you simply have to do something about it, something more than saying, “I love good-looking people, and Lily is so much cuter than Ronnie!” I have heard from too many Ronnies to think that your daughters—along with your ex-husband—haven’t noticed this. Children don’t expect and need exact equality, but what they want is fairness. That means some kids get long cuddle session in which a parent reads aloud, and some kids get the parent shouting from the sidelines at their sporting events. But what’s not OK is justifying favoring one child who you find more aesthetically pleasing than another. Your ex, instead of constructively pointing this out, is using this as a cudgel to beat you about the head, which may be one reason he’s your ex. But you acknowledge he’s on to something. I agree that you need to talk this out to a neutral party so that you don’t distort your relationship with both your girls. I’ve heard from Lilys, too, and those who’ve written look back with anger on how their parent poisoned their own childhood and their relationship with their sibling.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Ethics in Personal Training: </strong>I am a personal trainer and recently started working with a well-known public figure. She pays me significantly more than my normal rate. The problem is that I am sure she has some form of an eating disorder. She’s had four different trainers in the past year—she fired three because they insisted she get professional help, and one quit as he refused to continue her exercise regime. Having her as my client is amazing for my career, both financially and for future prospects. I know if I stop working with her she’s just going to find another trainer who will. My question is, is this unethical? I don’t push her to the limits and try to steer her into moderate exercise.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If you belong to a professional organization, you should be able to discuss this with people there. This has to be something that trainers run into frequently. Sure, it seems great for your career that you have a famous client, but if said client ends up in the hospital after collapsing with an eating disorder, that’s not so good for your career. You know you’re a short-timer because she likely suffers from body dysmorphic disorder and won’t be happy with you when you refuse to push her to the point of breakdown. If you don’t address what you clearly suspect, think of the headlines—and the effect on your career—when you give into your client’s demands, and then you end up being the person to call 911.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Is My Kid a Monster?: </strong>We have three kids. Two of them have their personality flaws like everyone else (she is stubborn and can be moody, he has trouble controlling his emotions and is prone to outbursts), but they generally seem to be good kids. One is not. He destroys things, hits people when he gets angry, and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way (yet at the same time, when he’s not acting out, he’s very sweet and loving). The straw that broke the camel’s back was this past weekend when he made a “little person” cry while we were picking up a pizza by pointing and laughing at him. (He was severely punished for that.) We’re at wit’s end. We’ve tried numerous types of escalating punishment. Nothing seems to work. Should we just accept the fact that our kid’s a monster and start marking off the years until he’s out of the house?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>No, you don’t say, “Well, he’s a monster—10 more years of this nightmare and then we can release him into society.” You have a troubled child who needs professional intervention. Coincidentally, I have gotten a bunch of similar letters recently from parents struggling with such children. They have described how terribly painful it is to have such a child and how hard to even get a diagnosis—for example personality disorders are not generally arrived at until someone is past childhood. A child who engages in violent and socially unacceptable behavior will have enormous effects on your entire family. The other parents I’ve heard from are in agony over this. They love their child but are torn apart by feeling afraid of their own offspring and fearful about what the future holds. You don’t even express any emotional attachment to your son. You will not solve this situation by escalating punishment. As you’ve seen, your son is the one who will push past all boundaries. Your entire family needs help. This is will require work on your part to find a good therapist, and you have to be prepared for some dead ends. But your obligation to yourselves, and the rest of us, is to help make your son a functioning member of society.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Holiday Headache: </strong>Each year, my husband and I alternate Christmases with our respective parents. Because of a new job I started in December, we were unable to go to his parents’ for the holidays on what would have been their turn. This year, my parents are excited for their turn and our visit. As a compromise, I suggested I stay with my parents, while husband goes to his. Husband is calling me selfish and says we both need to visit his side to make it fair. We’re a young couple with no kids, if it helps. Am I being inconsiderate? We’re fighting about Christmas in March—not what I was expecting!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Nine months of fighting over Christmas will perhaps not fill you with holiday spirit, but it might fill you with a desire to stop spending any time together as a couple. Score-keeping and inflexibility are death to a marriage. Last December you couldn’t visit anyone, so I don’t understand why your husband couldn’t see his folks without you. But he didn’t and now he wants to be even. I understand that having everyone together for the holidays is important to a lot of people, but surely what’s more important is parents and grown children seeing each other when they can. Is anything stopping you two from visiting his folks this summer? Or maybe you two can swap out Thanksgiving and Christmas visits this year. Or possibly you conclude that you’ll spend some time apart over the holidays. What’s crucial is your ability as a couple to respectfully figure this relatively unimportant issue out before you become a slightly older couple with children.</p>
<p><strong>Q. High School Ex Situation: </strong>I’m a guy in high school. I am good friends with a girl from another school, who I met a long time ago. We are involved in the same activities, etc., and our parents are friends. The trouble is, she was dating a classmate of mine for a while. This classmate is not a close friend, but we get along very well. A few months ago, he dumped her. I was completely uninvolved and didn’t find out until some weeks later, from my female friend. Since then, she and I have hung out a few times (just as friends), and now she wants to start dating. I like her a lot and would love to say yes, but I don’t know if I should given her past relationship with my classmate. I don’t want to offend him by dating a girl he dumped. Should I stay “good friends” with both, or date my female friend and explain things to her ex?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>As the late <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000VWMHNA/?tag=slatmaga-20">Lesley Gore once sang</a>, “You Don’t Own Me.” That long-ago anthem of female empowerment applies in this case. Your guy friend dumped your girlfriend. Thus, all of you are now free agents, and he has no say over her current or future involvements. Romance would be severely curtailed if no one in a social circle was allowed to date the exes of others in the circle. Whether or not this guy hears you’ve gone out with his ex is not your concern. Good for her that she made the first move. You’re interested, so feel free to reciprocate.</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next week!</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_a_black_woman_with_a_white_boyfriend_who_doesn_t_understand.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>Tue, 17 Mar 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_son_had_a_dog_lick_peanut_butter_off_his_chest.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-17T11:00:00ZPrudie advises a woman alarmed that her son had a dog lick peanut butter off his chest.LifeHelp! My 12-Year-Old Son Had a Dog Lick Peanut Butter Off His Chest.100150317002Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_son_had_a_dog_lick_peanut_butter_off_his_chest.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41041073510013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeColor Bindhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_a_black_woman_with_a_white_boyfriend_who_doesn_t_understand.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions and comments.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Mixed-Race Relationship: </strong>I am a black woman for whom culture, race, and politics are very important and sometimes painful subjects. I love my partner of two years very much. He is a white man in his late 30s who has very little experience with these matters, and our differing views have caused many arguments. Now we avoid the subject of my culture completely, and it is killing me that he does not understand this important part of who I am. Occasionally he will make generalizations and comments that I find worrying or insulting. He is not a racist, merely ignorant—he thinks we are all one as humans and should not pay attention to differences. If the playing field were equal between all people, I would agree with him, but it is not. Except for this, he is a sweet and gentle man—intelligent, trustworthy, and a blessing in my life. I love him, but I feel I am betraying my politics and community. Mostly, I just want to talk—but I can see why he avoids it, with all the shouting that’s happened. Help.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>When he expresses his sincere and well-intentioned beliefs, you berate him for his naivet&eacute; and ignorance. He certainly has to concede your superior knowledge about being a black person in America. But your attitude seems to be that unless he is a backboard for your views, he’s infuriating. You two seem to have arrived at a kind of d&eacute;tente in which you don’t talk about this. But then you feel that race, and discussions of it, are so central to your experience that you can’t stand having this be something you don’t chew over with your beloved. You asked for my help, so I have two alternatives for you. Either you decide that this wonderful man fulfills you in so many ways that you can decide to see him as an oasis from the often troubling issues that you spend so much time on in the rest of your life. Or you conclude having a partner who reflects your own views and experience is so central for you that you must let this good man go.</p>
<p><strong>Q. MIL Brings Moldy Food When Visiting: </strong>My parents-in-law live 11 hours away and come to visit my husband, myself, and our three young children about six times a year. On each visit they usually stay for three or four days. Every time they come, my MIL packs a cooler with leftovers from her fridge, which we are expected to be thankful for. The problem is that most of the items, such as partially empty jars of salsa, pasta sauce, and cheese, have already gone moldy. My MIL is an “environmentalist,” and I suspect she brings the bad food because then she can claim to create almost no waste. She also brings empty shampoo bottles and leaves them here. I am tired of hearing her wax poetic about how great she is and then leave me with her biohazardous food to clean up. How can we get her to stop bringing us moldy food?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If your mother-in-law wants to drag her moldy food and empty bottles across state lines to enhance her self-image, indulge her. Let her unpack her gross goods, then explain you’ve had bad experiences in the past with old, half-eaten jars of food, and toss them in the garbage. If she makes a scene, she can fish them out and dine on her mold solo.</p>
<p><strong>Q. I’m the Catfish (but Not on Purpose): </strong>After breaking up with my husband, I went online to kick-start my dating life. I put my real age (49), body type (overweight), and marital status (separated), along with a recent photo. However, I have a very distinctive name and am somewhat well-known online due to my blog, which has attracted misogynist comments. I therefore didn’t want to have my name in public on a dating site and used another name and hometown (near my own). On my very first date, I met a nice man with whom I get on really well. We’ve now been on three dates, and I think he could be a keeper. The problem? He still doesn’t know my real name ... and I’m afraid if I tell him I’ve been lying about something so fundamental, then everything else I’ve said to him will seem false. But of course, if I don’t tell him my name, it’s hopeless anyway. How do I handle this? I’ve considered just losing his phone number and starting over, now that I know there are nice men out there, even for older, fatter women.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>On your next date, bring along a tablet, or invite him over your place for dinner, and show him your blog. Explain, just as you’ve done here, why you used a pseudonym for your first experience with online dating. Then come up with some ground rules with him about posting about your (so far) happy foray.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Interracial Relationship: </strong>I am a white woman who has been married to a black man for 38 years, and we’ve been together for 44 years total. We have two daughters. In my experience, the white person in an interracial relationship (I hope I’m OK using this terminology; I am a little uncomfortable with the legacy/history of the term <em>mixed race</em>) has a responsibility to learn about the history and culture of his or her beloved. Actually, both people in any relationship have this responsibility, but from what I’ve seen the black person in the relationship usually knows quite a bit about the history and culture of white people. So my question to the original writer is: Is your boyfriend open to understanding your point of view, to learning what needs to be learned, and to revising the way he talks about race-related issues? If not, seek someone who is, regardless of his race/ethnicity/etc. If he is open, then you will both need patience and time and effort to make it work. But, again, that’s true with any relationship. Best of luck, whatever happens!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks, and I agree about the need to be educated. What’s not clear is whether the boyfriend of the original letter writer seeks to “invalidate” her experience—as some other commenters are suggesting—or simply expresses a point of view that differs from hers. I don’t see how an interracial relationship works if discussing race is a central focus of the relationship but only one person’s point of view is considered valid.</p>
<p><strong>Q. My Dog Is Just Fine: </strong>My husband, me, and two young kids adopted a puppy from the humane society last spring. We all adore him. He is now a rather large dog (about 60 pounds) and has been taking longer to train than we anticipated. For that reason we have a large kennel in our living room that we keep him in for meals and for short amounts of time (a couple of hours max) for when we have guests over who are fearful of bigger dogs. My sister-in-law is now saying that since we use a kennel we are abusing the dog and need to give it back to the humane society or to her. I really don’t want to get in an argument with my in-laws, but she is now threatening to call the police and say we hit our dog unless we let her take him or give him to the humane society. My husband has tried talking to her, but she will not listen to him. What should we do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Too bad you can’t put your sister-in-law in a crate. But she is a nut who is threatening to make a false report about you, so she cannot be a guest in your home. Frankly, if you think she’s capable of calling the police on you, you should go to a lawyer and have her or him write up an account of your sister-in-law’s threat. That way, if she acts, the lawyer can establish your sister-in-law’s pre-existing bad faith. Kennels are very important tools for training and safety with puppies and even older dogs. These are the equivalent of dens, and dogs who are raised with crates will seek them out as cozy places to sleep or refuges from household din. There are also times, with not fully trained puppies, that it can be important for their safety, and that of other people and the carpet, that they retire to their crate. This is not abuse, it is good dog ownership. If your sister-in-law were rational, you could have shown her literature about this. But rational family members don’t threaten to make false police reports about other family members.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Sexless Partnership: </strong>I have been married over 30 years. We are both still healthy, but three years ago my wife stopped having sex with me, with very little the two years before that. This is punishment for economic problems, starting with a job loss. I can’t afford to get divorced yet. I am now involved in two business startups, so 2015 should be better. She sometimes comments that things can then go back to normal. I am no longer interested in her. What is fair?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>What is fair is that if your businesses get off the ground you start squirreling money away for your divorce fund. I don’t know the background here. Maybe your job losses weren’t because of the economy but because of your own bad behavior. If so, and your wife lost faith and love in you, that means you two need to figure out a way to address this, or to split. Turning your marriage into a punitive deep freeze was not an answer. You don’t want to reconcile with your wife. So you need to reconcile yourself to moving forward solo.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Mixed-Race Relationship: </strong>When I first started dating my husband, the things he said out of ignorance used to drive me wild, especially because I was a teacher about human difference in a very liberal college. I realized that while I made an effort to be patient and listen to my students, I wasn’t making an effort to make my partner feel heard. To work through this, we decided to read and discuss a piece of feminist literature once a month, kind of like a book club, where we would talk with respect like we were in class. All it took was one article and he immediately picked up on the academic language and nuances that are so necessary to me—after all, he is an exceptionally smart man (and I’m sure your husband is, too).</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>And is he allowed to express any dissention in regard to the literature or your views? After all, he’s male, so you could say he has no standing to have an alternate reaction to the assigned reading or to your superior knowledge. If a given subject is central to one party in a relationship, and if any questioning or disagreement about the views that person expresses is seen as invalidating, undermining, or ignorant, then it seems as if the best solution is to find other partners.</p>
<p><strong>Q. My Fianc&eacute;e Always Takes Her Ring Off: </strong>I asked my girlfriend to marry me about three weeks ago. We have been living together for about six months and we are both very happy to be taking a new step forward. There’s just a small problem that has been bothering me since we got engaged: My new fianc&eacute;e regularly removes her ring, and it makes me insanely nervous. She takes off her ring pretty often—to take a shower, wash dishes, cook, clean, go to the gym, etc. I’m so nervous that one of these times, she’ll forget where she put the ring and misplace it. I’ve expressed this concern to her, and she says she just wants to keep the ring looking nice without any scratches or dings. But I think the ring is safer on her finger than in the glove compartment of her car while she’s working out, even if she accidentally bangs it against the treadmill once or twice. Can I broach this topic with her again and if so, how?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I know the ring represents your betrothal, but it’s hers. So you must stop micromanaging her wearing of it. I agree that in the long run it’s more likely she misplaces it by taking it off all the time than she damages it by wearing it constantly, but you’ve discussed it and that’s her choice. So make sure your (or her) insurance is up to date so it could cover such a loss, and let this go.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_son_had_a_dog_lick_peanut_butter_off_his_chest.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Mon, 16 Mar 2015 18:39:02 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_a_black_woman_with_a_white_boyfriend_who_doesn_t_understand.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-16T18:39:02ZPrudie counsels a black woman who can’t connect with her white boyfriend on matters of race.LifeHelp! I’m a Black Woman Whose White Boyfriend Doesn’t Understand Race at All.100150316010Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_a_black_woman_with_a_white_boyfriend_who_doesn_t_understand.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41041073510013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_16_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_a_black_woman_with_a_white_boyfriend_who_doesn_t_understand.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 16 Mar 2015 16:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_16_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-16T16:00:00ZFor March 16, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150311011adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_16_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeGoing, Going, Gonehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_affair_partner_just_had_a_stroke_and_i_want_to_leave_everything.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_16_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> </strong>I am a woman who has been married for 15 years, and I have a 13-year-old child. I have been in a long-distance love affair for four years with a single man almost 20 years older than I am. Our plan has always been to wait until my child is out of high school (four more years) before I divorce my husband and we begin our life together. I know I am not going to be viewed favorably because of my affair, but now I have a different problem. My lover recently had a stroke, and chances are not looking good for a full recovery. I very much want to spend whatever years my significant other has left with him. Our plan was to ease into our full-time relationship while causing the least amount of damage as possible. But now I don’t know what to do. Any advice?</p>
<p>—Major Life Change</p>
<p>Dear Major,<br /> To quote that philosopher of love, Donald Rumsfeld, the unknown unknowns here significantly outweigh the known knowns and known unknowns. Here you are, far away from your ailing lover, and you don’t know whether you should upend everything and run to his side to become his caretaker. You have been living with a long-running dream to one day take your secret life public, but neither you nor your lover could have guaranteed that once your child packed up for college you both would have actually put this plan into place. Maybe you would have discovered he liked having that committed future always out of grasp, and he preferred an ardent, no-strings lover. Maybe you would have discovered you didn’t want to take the financial hit of a divorce and you were enjoying the freedom of your empty nest. You don’t say whether your lover has other people who are emotionally close and close by.&nbsp;It’s possible he has a rich, full life and people ready to help him. It could be the last thing he would want is to be dependent on you and for you to tear apart your family. You have a romantic notion of nursing him back to whatever degree of health is possible. Before you do that, sit in on a support group for spouses of stroke victims and find out what that’s really like. You have specialized in long-term, long-distance deception. That’s not going to work anymore. I can’t tell you what to do, beyond being willing to shine a harsh light on what’s known, and trying to grasp the consequences of what’s unknown.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> </strong>I’m a 33-year-old woman, the eldest of four kids from a tight knit, Christian family. My dad has always been a dedicated family man, but through a friend of mine who works with him I learned that he has been known to go to strip clubs during his travels. I didn’t think much of those outings my friend described until I borrowed my dad’s phone to Google something and saw in the search history the phrase “Can you get a disease by licking a woman’s nipples?” I don’t know if it was related to those strip club trips, but in any case, I doubt it was a typo. I want to give my dad the benefit of the doubt, but I feel owe it to my mother, and as a wife and mother myself, to discuss this with my dad. He’s coming to visit, and I want to bring it up, but how do I discuss something so awkward?</p>
<p>—Daddy Issues</p>
<p>Dear Issues,<br /> It’s best to get right to the point: “Dad, have you ever heard of ‘oral areola sudden death syndrome’? I believe it mostly affects traveling businessmen.” I agree with you that the phrase, “Can you get a disease by licking a woman’s nipples?” is not just a slip of the fingers or even the tongue. But I disagree with you that this is a situation that calls for you to intervene. Unless you have reason to believe there is a life-threatening danger that needs addressing, it is always best to stay out of one’s parents’ sex lives. I think the conversation you need to have is with the blabby friend—you should make clear that you hope she or he is not spreading destructive rumors around the workplace, and you’d appreciate not getting any more updates about your father. But there is something worth mentioning to your father—and that’s how everyone needs to know how to clean out their browsing history.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,&nbsp;<br /> </strong>My parents have enjoyed international travel in their retirement. Over the last five years, they’ve taken my two siblings on separate vacations to Europe, and my mother said that this year was my year. They chose the destination and informed us that they would like to take my husband, my daughter, and me to a European capital this summer. The catch: We have to pay our way to get there and for our fun once we’re there. My husband and I are both nonprofit employees with graduate school debt. We have all-day day care to pay for. I love travel but a trip to Europe would be difficult to do without significantly reducing our savings. Now the invitation to what was to have been “my” trip has been extended to my two sisters and their families. My sisters are both very well off.&nbsp;My mother has been undeterred by my concerns and tells me just to save more money. If I refuse to go, I’m going to be blamed for breaking up a great family vacation. What should I do?</p>
<p>—Not So Bon Voyage</p>
<p>Dear Bon,<br /> Tell me where the “take you to Europe” part kicks in. From your description, they are ordering you to go to Europe and demanding you pick up the tab. You have to pay for your airfare and for your “fun” once you’re there. When I’m traveling “fun” includes a place to sleep and food to eat, but maybe your parents will pay for that part of the trip and you are expected to pay for museums, guides, etc. Whatever the unfortunate monetary aspects of this trip, a European vacation with a child still in day care is an exercise in frustration. If you like culture and great restaurants, you really can’t partake. You will be tied to a toddler’s schedule, frustrated by the things you can’t enjoy, and wondering why you didn’t just rent a beach house with another young family. You are not breaking up a great family vacation; you are saving yourself a ruinous debt-ridden excursion. Tell your parents you wish you could go, but you’ll consider joining one of their jaunts down the road when the trip makes more sense logistically and financially.</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> </strong>My fianc&eacute; is going to be a groomsman in his close friend’s wedding this summer. He bought the suit for the wedding and wants to wear it first to another friend’s wedding on the other side of the country. The two sets of engaged friends don’t know each other. When he mentioned wearing the suit twice to his close friend, it wasn’t an issue. But then the bride found out and she is completely offended. Mutual friends have taken her side, saying my fianc&eacute; is wrong to buy a suit for their wedding and wear it first to another wedding. To me it’s just a suit, and what does it matter? My fianc&eacute; feels terrible putting his close friend in the middle of this mess. I want to know if the bride is being a diva, or is there a rule of etiquette concerning double-duty suits?</p>
<p>—Not a Bridezilla</p>
<p>Dear Not,<br /> The only thing that I can come up with that makes sense out of this imbroglio is that your fianc&eacute; always gets drunk at weddings, is known for puking on himself, and does not believe in dry cleaning. Otherwise, practically everyone involved is acting nuts. First, your fianc&eacute; did not need permission to wear a suit twice, especially one he purchased, and shouldn’t have mentioned it to his close friend. Second, it’s a good thing he did, because the insane reaction by the bride should give the groom a chance to reconsider spending the rest of his life with someone who would even care about this, let alone be “completely offended.” Third, you and your fianc&eacute; need to get some nonmutual friends, because yours appear to have lost touch with reality. Your fianc&eacute; should stop feeling terrible about the suit and start feeling glad that he’s marrying you—apparently the only sane person in your social circle. Your fianc&eacute; should tell his friend and the bride-to-be that the suit discussion is closed. If she wants to exclude him from the wedding because of a previously worn suit, then your fianc&eacute; will be relieved of having to appear to support this marriage.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_was_raped_by_my_boyfriend_s_friend_but_i_m_afraid_my_boyfriend.html">His Crime, My Punishment</a>: I was raped by my boyfriend’s friend. Now I’m afraid my boyfriend will leave me if I tell him.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_friend_may_have_uploaded_revenge_porn_of_his_ex.html">Unwilling Amateur</a>: My friend may have uploaded a sex video of his ex. Should I tell her?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_i_m_being_stalked_by_the_man_who_saw_me_through_a_.html">While I Was Sleeping</a>: A friend nursed me through serious illness—and now he won’t leave me alone.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_child_has_a_high_iq_and_it_worries_me.html">A Too-Beautiful Mind</a>: My 4-year-old just scored high on an IQ test. Is she doomed to a life of high expectations?”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_accidentally_insulted_a_co_worker_oops.html">Despicable Me</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman mortified after accidentally insulting a colleague.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_can_t_stand_my_having_sex_with_her_son.html">Thou Shalt Not Sleep With My Son</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman who receives death stares from her mother-in-law the morning after sex.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudie_my_daughter_got_pregnant_at_her_friend_s_party_and_now_the_owners.html">Three Families and a Baby</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man whose daughter got pregnant at a house party and wants the owners to chip in.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_future_sister_in_law_wants_us_to_delay_the_wedding_until.html">Boob Delay</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose fianc&eacute; wants to schedule their wedding around his sister's breast augmentation.”</p>Thu, 12 Mar 2015 10:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_affair_partner_just_had_a_stroke_and_i_want_to_leave_everything.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-12T10:00:00ZPrudie advises a woman who wants to leave her family for the man she loves—and who just had a stroke.LifeHelp! My Affair Partner Just Had a Stroke. Should I Blow Up My Family to Care for Him?100150311010Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_affair_partner_just_had_a_stroke_and_i_want_to_leave_everything.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41041073510013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeWild and Crazy Unclehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_wild_and_crazy_uncle.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a new mother whose brother-in-law takes roughhousing a little too far.</p>Wed, 11 Mar 2015 18:44:01 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_wild_and_crazy_uncle.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-11T18:44:01ZCan I keep my roughhousing brother-in-law away from my kid?VideoHelp! How Do I Keep My Roughhousing Brother-in-Law Away From My Kid?100150311008Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_wild_and_crazy_uncle.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t410410735100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t41041073510013926365990001Photo by Slate.Deserves a Shothttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_should_i_secretly_vaccinate_my_grandson.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. This week, due to technical difficulties, Prudie responded to submitted questions offline. The edited write-up is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Should I Secretly Vaccinate My Grandson?: </strong>My son and daughter-in-law are well-educated, responsible people. But once they had their first child (my now-18-month-old darling grandson), they did their own “research” and decided not to vaccinate him for fear of “pumping poison into his body” and “risking autism.” My DIL has particularly strong views about this, and we’ve had many vocal arguments over the issue. Finally she decided she didn’t want to fight me anymore, and the last time I brought this up she refused to bring my grandson to see me for several weeks. I know that due to herd immunity the chances of his catching a serious illness is not high, but I am still appalled he’s exposed to risks unnecessarily. I am about to look after him for five days while his parents go on a trip and I am thinking I will just take him to the doctor myself and get him immunized.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I marvel with distress that in 2015 we are fighting the vaccination wars. It is deeply disturbing that people who should be able to weigh discredited so-called studies instead believe garbage, and so are willing to endanger their children and others. I sincerely hope this madness burns itself out before a lot more people get hurt. You’re right that herd immunity should protect your grandson, but that is fading as large numbers of people refuse to vaccinate. The only solution seems to be for government to toughen the vaccination laws and close the loopholes that allow people to opt out for philosophical and so-called religious reasons. The laws need to make clear: no shot, no school. In the meantime, however, you cannot take your grandson to be vaccinated. For one thing, you don’t have the standing to do this. For another, if it came out that you did, that would likely effectively end your relationship with your grandson. It’s just not worth it. Let’s hope this little boy does not get whooping cough, or measles or any of the other awful childhood diseases that medical science effectively wiped out, and misinformed parents are bringing back.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Karma’s Not Quick Enough: </strong>I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man who has a 7-year-old son with his ex-wife. The ex-wife—let’s call her Sarah—also has a daughter with another man. She had her daughter when she was 22, and her daughter’s biological father was 16 years old. Regardless of the law, I think the age difference is abhorrent. A 16-year-old is a child, and she was unfaithful to her boyfriend in order to sleep with and become pregnant by this boy. The problem is that Sarah has never let her daughter have any contact with her biological father (she says horrible things to her daughter about her father), and her new husband has no clue what kind of mean, fake person his wife is. Would it be totally wrong to send an *ahem* anonymous letter to her husband so that he’s not in the dark about the monster he’s married to? Karma has not caught up with her yet.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Darn karma—where’s that falling asteroid when you need one? I’m afraid the purpose of your trying to blow up these impending nuptials eludes me. If Sarah is as abhorrent a person as you say, this either has or will reveal itself to her next victim, as it did for your own husband when he was married to her. But it is not your place to make the big reveal. The person who matters most here is the 7-year-old who has had a tough start in life. So instead of trying to be the hand of karma, be a loving, supportive stepmother to a little boy who will collect many more psychological bruises through his childhood.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Parsimonious Twerp: </strong>One of my in-laws is a successful athlete who’s been paid over $150 million. My mother-in-law, this person’s grandmother, has spent all her savings. She lives simply, but can’t meet her expenses on Social Security alone. She’s applying for food stamps and can’t pay for all her medicines. The wealthy grandchild does nothing for her. Should I confront this young person? (I only see them at the holidays.) Or perhaps sell the story to TMZ?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Ah, another person who thinks she has been designated as karma’s agent. So if you get a nice chunk of change from TMZ, do you plan to apply that to grandmother’s meds, or perhaps you’re realizing all this family trouble means you could really use a trip to St. Tropez, courtesy of TMZ. If your mother-in-law is in extremis, it sounds as if you and your spouse should organize the family and see how all of you can ease Grandmother’s situation. Sure, it would be nice if Athlete Grandson kicked in some dough. But if you find him financially rich but morally bankrupt, you don’t right this by becoming a purveyor of sleaze.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Caregiver/Lover?: </strong>My fianc&eacute;e fell 35 feet and has a back fracture and major orthopedic surgery. Recovery is coming along, but, between her sleeping in the living room (she can’t do stairs) and all the “caregiving” I have become responsible for, I am having trouble feeling like a “lover” and not her “mother.” She was talking about all the ways we might be able to accommodate her injuries and still have sex, but honestly? I’m feeling like that’s the last thing on my mind! My workload at the house has doubled, my job is intense, and I have to keep it up because it’s our main source of income now. While I appreciate she’s been sitting around all day thinking up complicated ways to work around her disabilities, I am exhausted and really, all the medical stuff has made me not view her “that way” for the last month. How do I move from nurse to naughty nurse?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thank goodness that she survived and in the long run will be fine. You are getting a real premarital test of “in sickness and health,” so I hope that despite the difficulties of caretaking—and it is one of the hardest things to do—this will eventually make you more bonded as a couple. Your fianc&eacute;e is obviously deeply appreciative of what you are doing for her, and she both wants to thank you and to feel like your partner, not your patient. I think there’s a two-part solution here. I know money is tight, but check into whether insurance would provide some caretaking services. If you could get someone else in the house to attend to your fianc&eacute;e’s needs—which include some housekeeping and errand running—that would mean you would feel less like her nurse. Maybe you are concerned she is too fragile for certain activities, but if her hands and mouth are available, both of you might enjoy her bringing you some well-deserved relief. That would be a pleasant change from bringing her trays of food. The way you get back to being a couple is by making space for treating each other as a couple. That would be therapeutic for both of you.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Graduation Dinner:</strong> Who should pay for a graduation dinner? I’m graduating from school in Cambridge ;-) this May and I invited my divorced parents to come to the graduation. I was planning to pay for the graduation dinner to demonstrate that I was an adult. Plus, my family is staying in hotels and will be spending enough to come and support me on my big day. My dad went and invited 10 to 20 more relatives to come. These people are going to have to spring for flights and hotels. I don’t know how to say it, but do I have to pay for dinner? I don’t have that much money, but my dad has been known to get upset over bills. (He has the money.) What do I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I think the phrase is that you “go to school in Boston.” Picking up the tab for a dinner is a lovely gesture, but as you are about to see, adulthood just keeps rolling on and on and on and you don’t want to prove you are an adult by getting stuck with a bill you can’t pay. I don’t understand your father’s mass invitation. Any graduate is going to get&nbsp;only a small number of tickets. This may be good news for the folks in town to see you graduate either from Harvard or Lesley University, because as I’ve mentioned many times, sitting through graduation ceremonies is one of life’s drearier milestones. You need to clarify immediately with your father what his plans are for these relatives. Not only do you have no home at which to entertain them, you don’t have the money either. If it’s a fiasco in the making, it’s on Dad, not you. If your father wants to spring for a celebration that costs the equivalent of a semester of college, that’s his choice.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Workplace Bully: </strong>A few months ago, a woman from a different department started using our department lounge area to talk loudly on her phone. I asked her to stop, as our work requires a quieter environment. (I was the agreed department emissary; my peers were frustrated as well.) She rolled her eyes and left but started up again a few weeks ago. I went to her today and politely asked if she would go elsewhere, per our previous talk. Much to my shock, she laid into me. I firmly told her she was being disrespectful and needed to leave. She’s married to a leader in the company, and I’m worried this will have long-term impact because she seems unafraid to make her opinions known. What can I do to protect myself? My boss is not a confrontational person, and I’m not sure he’ll stand up for me.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This shouldn’t require a confrontation with the spouse of a Mr. Big. It should simply mean that your lounge area is declared a quiet zone. Let’s hope your boss is able enough to get some signs put up—like those you see in restaurants and gyms—about no cellphone calls in the lounge. Then if this woman plops down and starts yacking, all anyone has to do is point to the sign and ask her to please respect your workplace. If she won’t, then HR should deal with someone violating company policy.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Guest House Etiquette—Who Pays?: </strong>We own a house down the street from our primary residence, which we use for short-term rentals and for visiting family. After each stay we have it professionally cleaned (a requirement for short-term rentals). When we invite family to stay, we cover this cost. From time to time, friends coming through town (for reasons other than to visit us) ask to stay there. Is it OK to ask them to pay the cleaning fee? What’s a reasonable principle to determine when we ask someone to pay and when we don’t?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You make extra cash by renting out a house. But friends who are not visiting you and are simply passing through town think they should be able to crash at your place and that you should pick up the tab for straightening out the mess they leave behind. I think they should not think that. If you want to have a friends-and-family discount rate for such situations, fine. But you need to tell your friends that this is a business enterprise for you. If that means they’d rather seek professional lodging, that sounds like a good deal for everyone.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Birthday Blues: </strong>I’m a man in his 30s. For the past 10 years or so, I have detested my birthday. It’s very nice that people want to wish me well and sing to me, and I’ve politely thanked everyone who’s done so, but I don’t enjoy any of it. How can I tell people that I don’t wish to celebrate or acknowledge my birthday at all anymore? If there’s no polite way to do this, should I just keep sucking it up?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Once your mother stops sending out invitations for your birthday celebration, I’m not sure how everyone knows it’s your birthday. If you’ve got it on your Facebook page, take it off. After you do that, surely only a dwindling band of people will consider observing your birthday on par with those of Christopher Columbus and George Washington. For those who do remember, yes, you have to suck it up and politely blow out the candle.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breaking_off_my_engagement_was_the_biggest_mistake_of_my_life.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Tue, 10 Mar 2015 13:06:31 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_should_i_secretly_vaccinate_my_grandson.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-10T13:06:31ZPrudie advises a grandparent who wants to secretly vaccinate a grandson.LifeHelp! My Son Won’t Vaccinate His Baby. Should I Do It Behind His Back?100150310001Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_should_i_secretly_vaccinate_my_grandson.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40892325000013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeThe Comebackhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breaking_off_my_engagement_was_the_biggest_mistake_of_my_life.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. This week, due to technical difficulties, Prudie responded to submitted questions offline. The edited write-up is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Old Flames Die Hard: </strong>Six years ago I broke up with my fianc&eacute; because I felt like we were no longer happy together and he never made time for me with a demanding job. I was confident in the decision, and while he was incredibly upset, he assented to the breakup. Now, at age 40, and after dating numerous other men, I realize that this breakup was a mistake. He made me much happier than any other partner has since, and I just didn’t realize a good thing when I had it. We don’t really speak much anymore, but I want to make contact to see if we could rekindle what we had. I’m hopeful I could persuade him that I made a mistake and he was right all along, but that may be unrealistic. Am I making a mistake trying this? Should I just give up on this man without a fight?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It sounds as if you gave him a pretty good fight six years ago when you confidently said you were done. Your letter is a cautionary tale for people who feel they are with the right person but who have to work out some difficult compromises. You learned over six hard years that everyone else was more flawed than your Mr. Wonderful (retrospective version). There’s nothing wrong with trying for your relationship, 2.0, but since you’ve been in&nbsp;only sporadic touch in the past few years, you have no idea where he’s at. Go ahead and reach out, but be much more restrained with your information than you are here. Don’t say you washed out at finding a replacement and you now realize what a dope you were and you want him back. Instead, say you’ve been thinking about him and missing him, and wondering if he would like to have dinner. It could be that when you’re face to face again, you’ll realize why he’s out of your life.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Blended-Family Turmoil!: </strong>My 7-year-old stepson cries uncontrollably every week when pickup time with his mom rolls around. His mom and I sat down and agreed to trade family pictures so that he had a picture of each family at the other home. My stepson told me the other day that he went to get his picture, which his mom makes him keep in a drawer (her family’s picture is displayed in our living room in a frame) and it was gone. He said he later found it torn up in the trash in the bathroom. I think it’s sad that this happened, but can’t tell them how to run things in their home. My stepson gets in trouble every week for crying that he doesn’t want to go. But I fear it’s a vicious cycle. If they are so hard on him, he will naturally pull away.</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> I’m assuming you’re the stepmother, so I hope your stepson’s father is paying attention to what’s going on. This little boy is 7 years old, and transitions are hard for lots of people, especially elementary-school-age children who bounce between homes. But if he’s being punished and psychologically pressured over having a good and happy relationship with his father and stepmother, that’s deeply concerning. It might help to get the boy a therapist so he can talk about what’s going on in his life and so his father can be on top of what’s going on. What’s crucial is that you and his father keep this connection strong. Your stepson needs it.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Lost Friend: </strong>I have been a friend with someone of the opposite gender for close to 15 years. She’s married, and I am in a serious relationship. I hadn’t heard from her for about two months, so I called and left a message just calling to say hi about three weeks ago. I didn’t receive a call or text back, so I called and left a message this past week asking if everything was OK. This morning she called and told me not call her again, that our relationship was inappropriate, and she apologized for this coming out of the blue. I am at a complete loss and I don’t recall doing anything to offend her, and she didn’t really supply any reason for this sudden rupture. Is this one of those growing-up lessons and I should just let things go? Or should I shoot her an email or text and asking her what’s up? I feel like that would go against her wishes of not contacting her. My S.O. has offered to call her to check in and see what’s up (they’re friends too), but I feel that that’s weird. What’s a guy to do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This is sad and distressing, and I agree that a 15-year friendship deserves better than this. I’m concerned that she was forced to do this by her husband—you don’t say how long she’s been married, but however long it is, maybe he’s found your friendship to be a source of jealousy and insecurity and he’s finally forced the issue. She has told you that she doesn’t want to contact her again. I’m afraid you have to respect this request. Let’s hope someday she’s able to reconnect, and explain what was going on. And let’s hope that she’s not under the thumb of a control freak.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Three Dads?: </strong>I was the result of a hook-up. My parents never pursued a romantic relationship, but I get along with both of them swimmingly. When I was 2, my mother married “Larry.” Larry had a huge impact on my formative years and he means a lot to me. A year ago he reached out to me and we have been in contact ever since. We go out for coffee or lunch at least once a month and exchange text messages regularly. I treasure our friendship. My mother, who is no longer married to Larry, finds our friendship bizarre. She says I already have two great father figures (my father and current stepfather). Am I wrong for pursuing this friendship?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>How sad that your mother would like you to have less love in your life. How wonderful that Larry, who was an important father figure to you, has renewed that “claim” now that you’re an adult (I’m assuming) and are free to make your own relationships. Your mother had her own reasons for severing her ties to Larry, but she should be big enough not to interfere with your delightful reacquaintance with him. The easiest thing is for you to stop updating her about this. She doesn’t want Larry in her life; you want him in yours. There’s no need to keep her updated on your lunch activities.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Wedding Invite: </strong>A close friend has just sent me a save-the-date for his fourth wedding. I sigh because if I go to this one, I will have attended three of his weddings, complete with expensive gifts. He has dated this one for all of two months, and I suspect that he is off his meds for bipolar. Do I really have to go?</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> Since you two are close, you should have a conversation with him about your concerns. You could also reach out to his parents (if they’re in the picture), siblings, or people who might be able to persuade your friend to get to a doctor, fast. No, you don’t have to pretend that this apparently dangerous manic episode is a happy event.</p>
<p><strong>Q. No Harm (to Me), No Foul?: </strong>I am in my early 30s and newly married to a great and trustworthy (I thought!) man. He recently came home limping from a soccer game after taking the ball to his ... jewels. He casually mentioned that the injury may have ruptured his testicular cyst. He then revealed that before we met he discovered a cyst and was told it could make conception difficult. I am currently three months pregnant. It took us about five months to conceive. I admit I was impatient but I found the wait frustrating and confusing. He said he didn’t tell me about the cyst because it was personal and since I was so anxious about getting pregnant he didn’t want to make it worse. Isn’t this information one discloses pre-nuptials? Does this reveal a deeper problem with honesty? Or do I just let the ball lie where it fell?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>So a ball to the balls may have resolved his cyst—talk about sports medicine! I agree that before entering into a marriage, the two parties should disclose their medical conditions to each other—especially if there is a condition that could affect conception. I hope, however, that you are not saying that had you known, you would have rethought your marriage because of a sack of fluid in his sack. Surely you know that getting pregnant after five months of trying is a quick and happy result. That you describe yourself as being impatient, frustrated, and confused leads me to believe that your husband simply made a calculated decision not to increase your already significant anxiety. And everything turned out fine! I think this is a good opening for the two of you to have a discussion about how you both deal with the tough things that are an inevitable part of life. If your husband withholds because he doesn’t want to deal with your reactions, then this is a matter of how you interact as a couple, not just that he thought “nuts” to telling you about his nuts.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Sixth-Grade Teacher Insists Students Address Her as “Doctor”: </strong>My daughter’s sixth-grade English class has a new teacher. I haven’t met her, but her introductory note to parents dwelled on her Ed.D., which she completed five years ago after several decades in education. She signed it formally: “Doctor Anita Horgarth.” The class has not warmed up to her, and my daughter now tells me her teacher has been ignoring students who call her “Ms. Horgarth”—she will only respond to students who address her as “Dr. Horgarth.” I’ve told my daughter this is both silly and sad. Should I explain she should just learn to accommodate fools who might otherwise make life difficult? Or should I suggest she refuse to answer her teacher unless addressed formally as “Reverend Miss Maizy Russell,” as my daughter has the privilege, despite her youth, of being ordained in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If this woman is a lousy, punitive teacher, that should be brought to the attention of the principal. The issue is not her sense of entitlement about her title (and I agree it’s silly). The issue is her teaching skills. If indeed they are lacking, it would help if you went with two or three other parents who have similar concerns. In the meantime, this is a good lesson for your daughter about getting along with difficult people, because Dr. Horgarth is not the only pompous person she will encounter. It’s an easy gimme for her to say “Dr. Horgarth.” Of course your daughter is free to think of her teacher as Anita Horgarth, Ed.D., P.F.—pretentious fool. But maybe there are also good things about this woman. If so, another good lesson for your daughter is accepting that everyone has flaws and it’s worth overlooking the easily overlooked ones.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Pregnant but Not As Excited As They Want Me to Be:</strong> I have recently disclosed to my co-workers that I am pregnant, less than a month after marrying my husband. I have never had an over-the-moon desire to have children—but my husband very much did, and we compromised at having one. I will love this child more than life and be the best mother I can be—but I’m not really excited about being pregnant or being a mother. There are several women who tried for years to have children, including rounds of fertility treatments and eventual adoption. They are beyond excited for me. They want me to be glowing every day and share the joys of being pregnant. How do I not sound totally insensitive when they ask me how excited I am about being pregnant? If it was just once, I would suck it up and lie, but I see these women every day.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You are in your first trimester, so that gives you an easy out for your lack of glowing ecstasy. “I’m so happy, thanks. I’ll be even happier once I can keep down my breakfast.” One recurrent issue I hear from office workers is the pressure they feel to discuss issues that aren’t in any way related to work: their religious beliefs, their conception issues, their relationships with their spouses, etc. You need a way to politely push this off in general so that you get along with your co-workers while establishing there are things you don’t discuss in depth with them. It will be good to establish some boundaries now, so after the baby is born your entire workday is not consumed with discussions of breast-feeding, sleeping through the night, and toilet training.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_should_i_secretly_vaccinate_my_grandson.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Mon, 09 Mar 2015 19:51:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breaking_off_my_engagement_was_the_biggest_mistake_of_my_life.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-09T19:51:00ZPrudie counsels a letter writer who broke up with a fianc&eacute; six years ago—and now wants him back.LifeHelp! I Stupidly Broke Off My Engagement Six Years Ago. Is It Too Late to Get Him Back?100150309008Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breaking_off_my_engagement_was_the_biggest_mistake_of_my_life.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40892325000013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_9_2015.html
<p><em><strong>Update, 12:41 p.m.: The live chat module is unfortunately not working today. If you have a pressing question for Prudie, please submit it using the form below before 1 p.m. A chat write-up using submitted questions and Prudie’s answers will be posted this afternoon.</strong></em><br /> </p>
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.<br /> </p>
<p><em>The day’s chat is complete. We apologize for the technical difficulties.</em></p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_breaking_off_my_engagement_was_the_biggest_mistake_of_my_life.html">Click here to read Part 1 of the write-up.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 09 Mar 2015 16:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_9_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-09T16:00:00ZFor March 9, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150304015adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_9_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeMeasuring Uphttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_dating_a_shorter_man_should_i_warn_people.html
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<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_9_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My boyfriend and I fell in love at first sight. By the time I stood up and realized he was 4 inches shorter, we were too in love to care. I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation, but when you find the right person, you just know. My question for you is: Should I prepare other people for the height difference? I find myself trying to drop it into conversation when people haven’t met him yet. Sometimes I try to mention celebrity couples as examples, to give people an idea, but that only seems to make things worse. What I really want to say is, “I have trouble noticing the height difference because he’s a god in bed.” What’s your advice? And why does this stigma still exist?</p>
<p>—The Next Clare Grant and Seth Green</p>
<p>Dear Clare,<br /> People definitely need to be prepared for this shocker. Before you introduce him you should alert your friends and family by saying,&nbsp;“You’ve heard that good things come in small packages. Well, even though my boyfriend is small, his package is not, so despite what you were probably thinking, I’m very satisfied in bed, thank you very much!” Then you could add, “I don’t know why people are so concerned about height differences. Sure, I never thought I would be in the ridiculous situation of towering over my boyfriend, but I’m not hung up about it at all!” Your boyfriend is shorter than you are. Big deal. It’s not something worth mentioning or being defensive about. It’s an unimportant, self-evident fact. You say there’s a stigma about shorter men with taller women, but that seems to be mostly in your own head. So get over it before you scare off your terrific guy through your own smallness.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I’m one of the unlucky “older” millennials who began his career just before the Great Recession. I did well in college, but after graduation I struggled to find steady employment in the economically turbulent years that followed. The work I was able to secure wasn’t glamorous—tech support, clerical work, etc. but I believed it was better to be employed doing unglamorous work than nothing at all. I hoped my willingness to “pay my dues” would be seen as an asset to future employers, a reflection of my commitment and work ethic.&nbsp;Except it hasn’t. I’m anxious to start a career and move away from survival jobs to something with growth potential. But I find employers only want recent college graduates for these jobs. When I am able to secure an interview I find that employers are unimpressed with my r&eacute;sum&eacute;. I’m afraid that I’m already aged out of the very jobs that will help me establish a career and it’s only going to get harder.&nbsp;Is my only option take out tens of thousands of dollars of loans, go to grad school, and kick the can ahead a couple years and hope for the best? Should I just give up on the hope of ever having a career?</p>
<p>—Stalled</p>
<p>Dear Stalled,<br /> It’s probably not of great comfort, but you are not alone. I spoke to <a href="http://www.demos.org/catherine-ruetschlin">Catherine Ruetschlin</a>, a senior policy analyst at the think tank Demos who studies the millennial job market, and she wants to assure you that you have done everything right. You, and many others in your cohort, are caught in <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/catherine-rampell-older-millennials-are-paying-the-price-for-bad-timing/2015/02/02/4ef644c8-ab1c-11e4-ad71-7b9eba0f87d6_story.html">economic forces</a> beyond your control. Ruetschlin says, however, there’s reason to be hopeful. The economy is starting to turn around, and while coming into the job market during a serious recession does have long-term earning consequences, it should not mean one’s career never gets started. The hardest part now is that when you are feeling defeated and depressed, you have to find the mental and physical resources to redouble your efforts. You don’t mention what industry you’re interested in, but whatever it is, Ruetschlin says you have to study it intensively. Identify people who have the kind of job you’re looking for, and ask them if you can come in for a brief informational meeting to get advice on how to break into the field—making contacts is crucial! If you have information about networking events, go to them. Instead of taking on more debt by going to graduate school, see if there are individual classes you could take in your field from <a href="http://www.skilledup.com/articles/the-best-mooc-provider-a-review-of-coursera-udacity-and-edx/">EdX, Coursera, Udacity, </a>for example, and pay the extra fee to get a certificate of completion. This would be an inexpensive way of showing employers your knowledge and skills are not outdated. Contact your alma mater—many schools will continue to provide career advice and contact information for their graduates. Have some smart people review your r&eacute;sum&eacute; and make sure it sells your best points. Describe the skills you honed in your various positions instead of listing a series of dreary jobs. Yes, you’ve still got a slog ahead, but with your grit and focus, I hope you can write back soon and say you finally got in the right door.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> Just over 10 years ago, I started dating the woman who would become my wife. After two months, she accidentally got pregnant. At that time, I was very scared of fatherhood, and didn’t even know if she and I were ready to commit. I suggested that she should get an abortion. She wanted the baby, with or without me. So, we decided to get married and dive into having a family. We are happily married and have another child. I love my kids more than life itself, and knocking up my future wife is the best mistake I ever made. But now I live with the knowledge that I had once suggested aborting a fetus who became someone I love and cherish and with whom I want to be honest and authentic. It seems crazy to tell my child that I had suggested he not be brought into this world, but I also find it difficult to live with what has become a burdensome secret. Should I explain to my child what happened and how happy I am his mother didn’t listen to me? I worry that when he’s older he might ask about the timing of our marriage and his birth, and start asking probing questions.</p>
<p>—The Big Reveal?</p>
<p>Dear Reveal,<br /> Surely the vast majority of us were accidents. There are millions of people walking around who are here because Mom and Dad got tipsy, or they were too tired to reach for a condom, etc. You don’t have to tell your son that you initially suggested abortion anymore than you have to tell him what position you and his mother were in when he was conceived. Sure, someday he might do the math on your anniversary and his arrival; what he discovers might not even be of great interest to him. But if he has questions, you tell him the truth: His nascent existence helped you to see that his mother was the woman for you, and so you two decided to tie the knot. You have a wonderful relationship with your son. Confessing your guilt about your understandable desire at the time not to become a father will not make your relationship more honest and authentic. It will instead violate the important principle that some things are best kept private. Your negotiation with your then-girlfriend over her pregnancy is one such private matter. If you need to confess, seek a therapist or a religious figure to discuss this with. It’s time you were relieved of this unnecessary psychological burden. Dumping it on your son is not the way to do it.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am a woman in my mid-30s, with a supportive and loving husband, a toddler, a baby, and a full-time, fulfilling job. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. But, although I often feel content, I’ve lost the ability to feel the kind of blissful happiness I was capable of feeling in my youth, before kids. I’m seeing a therapist, and she thinks there is nothing wrong with me—that this loss of jubilation is just a fact of growing older and having so much on my plate. My husband disagrees and says he misses the old, more cheerful me. What do you think? Should I break up with my therapist and find someone else to help me find my smile again, or am I just too world-weary for that sort of nonsense?</p>
<p>—Nostalgic for a Happier Version of Me</p>
<p>Dear Nostalgic,<br /> Reading about your wonderful life makes me want to pull the covers over my head and take a long nap. Indeed, you are a lucky woman, and it’s good you appreciate this. This doesn’t mean you aren’t an exhausted woman. You are caring for two small children, you have a full-time job, and you presumably are grocery shopping, preparing meals, ferrying children, attending to your marriage, etc. If you are breast-feeding, you are also being sucked dry! It’s no surprise that you don’t feel the kind of blissful ease that characterized your 20s when you could spend all afternoon in bed making love, then decide on the spur of the moment to meet up with friends and try that new Korean restaurant. I’m not advocating trying to extend one’s 20s into forever. There is a deeper satisfaction that comes from taking on the responsibilities you’re grappling with—seeing your children blossom, your career zoom forward. But it means, for a while, saying farewell to a more spontaneous, carefree version of life, and that’s a loss. First of all, how much sleep are you getting? If you’re chronically sleep deprived, you’re going to be jubilation deprived, too. Second, how much is your husband helping out? If he wants a more cheerful you, let him help you recapture it. That could mean that instead of therapy, you go out once a week with friends. Maybe it means he watches the kids while you get some exercise—exercise is an often-overlooked component of mood regulation. You need to make sure you’re carving time out for yourself. Your life right now sounds dedicated to those who need you at home and work, but you also deserve private space to recharge yourself. It could be that your mood issues are such that medication might be necessary. But I say work at making sure you are attending to the basics by doing necessary and so-called selfish things that bring you pleasure.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
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<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_accidentally_insulted_a_co_worker_oops.html">Despicable Me</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman mortified after accidentally insulting a colleague.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_can_t_stand_my_having_sex_with_her_son.html">Thou Shalt Not Sleep With My Son</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman who receives death stares from her mother-in-law the morning after sex.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudie_my_daughter_got_pregnant_at_her_friend_s_party_and_now_the_owners.html">Three Families and a Baby</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man whose daughter got pregnant at a house party and wants the owners to chip in.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_future_sister_in_law_wants_us_to_delay_the_wedding_until.html">Boob Delay</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose fianc&eacute; wants to schedule their wedding around his sister's breast augmentation.”</p>
<p><strong><em>&nbsp;</em></strong></p>Thu, 05 Mar 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_dating_a_shorter_man_should_i_warn_people.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-05T11:00:00ZShould I warn people I’m dating a much shorter man?LifeHelp! I’m Dating a Much Shorter Man. Should I Warn People?100150304019Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_i_m_dating_a_shorter_man_should_i_warn_people.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40892325000013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeTerror of Travelhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_terror_of_travel.html
<p>In this week’s video,Prudie counsels a man with a serious phobia who has unexpectedly been asked to travel for work.</p>Wed, 04 Mar 2015 20:45:04 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_terror_of_travel.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-04T20:45:04ZI have extreme anxiety about traveling, but my boss wants me to for work.VideoHelp! My Boss Wants Me to Attend Conferences, but I Have a Phobia of Travel.100150304016Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_video_terror_of_travel.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t408923250000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40892325000013926365990001Photo by SlateIn Sickness and in Health, Send Picshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_husband_keeps_sexting_me.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Am I a Prude?: </strong>I’ve been married happily for more than a decade and my husband and I are in our 30s with young children. We have an active bedroom life, and work together to keep our relationship and love life intact. My husband likes sexting (what man doesn’t?) and I usually don’t. I have to be in the right mood for it, and usually during the day I’m busy with work, errands, etc. I’m uncomfortable sending pictures of myself or saying things I’m not really thinking or feeling. I do indulge when I’m in the right mood, but most of the time when he asks, I just don’t want to! Recently, in a text conversation, he hinted toward it, I changed the topic (my gentle letdown tactic), he asked outright, and I told him to stop pressuring me. He said he didn’t like being accused of pressuring me, and we argued. Is this something I should do as part of my “wifely duties” even though I don’t want to? Is there any way to feel less resentful about it?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>For some people one of the pleasures of sex is not having to form coherent sentences. Also, since most of us are bombarded all day with electronic communications, getting demands to write sexy texts, or send risqu&eacute; photos while at work or at the grocery store, is not an erotic enterprise. You two need to talk this out—and not right after having a spat about it. Tell your husband you want to accommodate his sexual desires, but sex is a mutual enterprise and for you, his enjoyment of sexting feels burdensome, not stimulating. There’s also the issue of your not wanting to get caught doing things during work that could compromise your employment—which also goes for your husband. You both need to understand and accept each other without pressure or resentment, and I hope your husband can openly and sensitively hear you out. (And he better not threaten to take his sexting needs elsewhere!) In any case, if there isn’t an app for this there should be, something with canned phrases (“I can’t wait to get home and see you standing at attention, you big, big …”) you can generate while standing in the check-out line.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Niece’s Diapers: </strong>I have a concern for my niece and how often her parents change her diaper. My sister is extremely frugal, so much so that she doesn’t change my niece as often as she should in order to save money on diapers. It’s not that they don’t have the money: She likes to save every penny and has several thousand stashed in her savings account. I have tried buying diapers for my sister and just telling her that I got them for a good deal but it does no good. She just sees it as an opportunity to save more money. She has now been taking my niece to the doctor for a bad diaper rash that she now attributes to my niece’s eating too much sugar. She didn’t tell the doctor about the diapers. Should I say something? Is this a reportable offense? I feel terrible for my niece.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>There needs to be an intervention here. A woman who can afford diapers but is letting the skin on her baby’s bottom break down because of frugality is someone with mental health issues. This is no time for hinting around. I hope there are one or two family members you sister trusts who can address this question with her. Let’s hope her husband is more reasonable and perhaps can be reached and will oversee and overrule his wife. If that fails, then you must notify the pediatrician about what’s going on. The doctor should be aware of the underlying conditions in this family, and the doctor will be a mandated reporter. This professional needs to be on the alert that this family needs special attention.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. When Your Shrink Dumps You!: </strong>I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist two to three times weekly for nearly 20 years. No, I’m not Woody Allen, but I felt it really helped me deal with the stresses of real life. Here’s the problem: My shrink is dumping me! After 20-odd years he’s decided it’s time for him to retire, and I’m not going to be speaking with him any longer. He’s invited me to find a new therapist, and he would give him/her the rundown on our therapy goals. But I have a problem with trying to establish trust with another therapist at this stage in my life. What should I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I hope your shrink is better at his job than you indicate here. There seems to have been no plan for your therapy beyond seeing you several times a week for 20 years, which surely helped make his retirement possible. You may be under such tremendous stress, or have such significant underlying issues, that to function, you needed such frequent support. But isn’t the goal of therapy to help you cope better with life and end the treatment? I’m also concerned about your feeling that this doctor, who is now wrapping up his career, is “dumping” you. I would say you say some issues that still need resolution. You can’t convince your doctor to not retire. So you have to decide whether you so need a neutral party to listen to your gripes, that you’re willing to break in a new one. Maybe you’ll realize that you just can’t start over, and you can apply the lessons you learned in 20 years of therapy and start coping on your own. But if you do start over, when you begin, discuss with your new therapist what your goals are and how you two can put in place a plan for an endgame.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Utterly Devastated: </strong>I have been dating my fianc&eacute;e, “C,” since we were in eighth grade (2002) and we are getting married this May. However, last night she admitted to cheating on me when we were in late high school with a guy she met on a cruise. I understand that this was nine years ago but I have never been more devastated in my life. I don’t know whether to go ahead with the wedding or call it off. She is genuinely beside herself for waiting this long to tell me and for actually doing it but I don’t know if I can get those images out of my mind this close to our wedding day. She is the only girl I have ever been with and I would have no idea how/where to start over. I just have no idea how to handle this situation with a clear mind.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks to “C” for demonstrating the truth of my oft-stated belief that if one has cheated on a one-time basis, that it’s in the past, much regretted, and never to be repeated, one’s punishment is to live with the guilt. But here goes C confessing this little peccadillo. She’s gotten it off her chest, now it’s crushing yours—and for no good reason. I wish you’d had your own exploration long ago. It’s a lot to ask of a couple to commit while they are teenagers and go through life never knowing what’s it’s like to sleep with anyone else. I say good that your fianc&eacute;e got this curiosity out of her system. What a tribute that she realized that she wanted to be with you. You two are not starting over. Think about it—this thing happened years ago and you have been totally happy in the subsequent years. You need to put it out of your mind. If you can’t, then you two have a big problem and the wedding needs to be put on hold. You simply can’t enter into a marriage where you can’t get images of your teenage wife having a little fling out of your head.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Bone Marrow Match: </strong>This is the first time I have written but would appreciate your thoughts on this. I recently received a letter from the bone marrow registry that I was a preliminary match for a patient. This is a very initial step in what could be a four to six month process. I definitely want to help and continue with the process, except that my husband and I are trying to have another baby. If I move forward and am ultimately chosen to be a donor, we would have to commit to actively preventing pregnancy until after the donation. I want to help very much, but I know my husband would not be in favor of putting our plans on hold for six months. I am getting close to 35 so we don’t have an unlimited amount of time here. At the same time, if I can be of help, I want to do so! What are your thoughts on this?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You need to tell the registry that unfortunately for medical reasons you cannot commit to going forward at this time. It is a generous thing to sign up for such a registry, but as you know, a preliminary match is unlikely to be a final match, and surely there are other people who are receiving this notification. You cannot delay your pregnancy plans for the next six months. Stay on the registry and maybe in years to come, you will get another notice that you are in a position to follow up on.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Frustrated Girl: </strong>I am a girl college freshman who has never had a boyfriend. I have had feelings for a few guy friends but despite some subtle hints nothing has ever happened. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I am decently attractive and intelligent. I was more reserved in high school and only started really having boys as friends in college. I am not sure why they aren’t interested in me as it seems like everyone else is having much more success in dating/finding partners.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You are way more normal than you realize. Sure, it may seem as if everyone is pairing up or hooking up and you somehow missed the message on how to get in on this. But far more people than you think are actually observing from the sidelines and thinking, “What’s wrong with me that no one is interested?” You don’t need a boyfriend now. In fact, it may be better at this point in your college career not to get committed to one person. But what you do is start dating. (This is a concept that was popular in the 20<sup>th</sup> century. I’m sure if you Google it, you will find some references to what it entails.) You are kind of shy, so look around for the same kind of shy guys. They may be thinking you’re really cool, but they would rather die than say, “Do you want to get some pizza then go to the concert together?” So, you be the one to say it. This is not a race, and there’s no deadline. You are gaining confidence and experience, which is what young people are supposed to be doing at your age. So put yourself out there a little more, and enjoy the adventure.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Am I a Prude: </strong>I enjoy a raucous round of sexting now and then, when I’m not being distracted by other things and am in the mood, but my man too seems to be oblivious to subtle and not-so-subtle hints that it’s not the right time (I’m at work, I’m taking care of my child, etc.) and acts pouty and offended when I have to downright tell him to stop. Guys we’re not sex spambots at the other ends of these phones ... but you’re right, Prudie, an app that generates such responses would be a GOLD MINE.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I gave you the idea, now get that prototype together!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Utterly Devastated: </strong>Since when was cheating “exploration,” “a little peccadillo,” and “getting curiosity out of the system”? I agree this guy should probably get over it or put the wedding on hold, but what happened to calling a spade a spade?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>These people have been together since they were teens and almost a decade ago she had a brief fling. What’s was she supposed to do, fling herself off the side of the cruise ship? As I said, it would have been better if he’d done his own private exploration. I’m sorry, I just can’t condemn this woman for what she did then. Confessing now, bad idea!</p>
<p><strong>Q. How Do I Get My Parents to Stop Treating Me Like I’m Possessed: </strong>I’m 18 years old and a senior at a high pressure private prep school I forced my parents to send me to. I have depression and probably anxiety. Until this year when my parents allowed me to see a Christian therapist (which I’m OK with) they’ve viewed my mental health as an instability making me less trustworthy. I’m falling apart. I have straight Cs and having more frequent anxiety attacks. My parents are trying but they still make me feel like if I had a better relationship with God I could pray it away or that I need to have more fight or that this is a test to make me stronger. I’m already coming up with things to tell my friends when my acceptance to my top 25 college gets rescinded. How can I balance being healthy and keeping a relationship with my parents?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You have a therapist and this is something he or she should be helping you negotiate. Focus your next meetings on your feeling of crisis and possible need for medication, and getting help talking to your parents. You also need to be in close touch with your school counselor. You are catastrophizing what’s ahead. Maybe your bad grades second half of senior year can be explained to colleges because of a medical situation. Maybe you will have to go to summer school to prove that you’re ready to matriculate. You have adults around who you can and need to call on to help you address what’s going on inside and out. You will feel better when you start taking concrete steps.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Disinvitation Drama: </strong>My fianc&eacute;e and I disagree whether and how to go about not inviting a handful of guests to a wedding after sending them a save-the-date. More family than expected have indicated that they will attend, which means we need to cut back on our own list. If I’m being objective, we don’t really talk to the handful I’m thinking of, though that may just be a self-fulfilling justification. I feel bad about wanting to uninvite people (who technically have not been invited yet, just a save-the-date), but am not sure how else to fit everyone!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Let me break it to you: You have invited these people. A “save the date” is not a fishing expedition to see how many folks will take the hook, and then you decide who you will let loose and tell them to swim away. It’s a commitment. So now, you need to adjust your budget to accommodate the guests you invited who you’d actually preferred didn’t come. That means wine, not full bar, or passed hors d’oeuvres of cheese and crackers, not caviar, etc.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Have a great week. Maybe soon we can put the shovels away.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_dying_stepmother_is_comparing_her_death_to_my_mom_s.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Tue, 03 Mar 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_husband_keeps_sexting_me.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-03T11:00:00ZPrudie advises a woman whose husband pressures her to sext.LifeHelp! My Husband Pressures Me to Sext With Him.100150303001Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_husband_keeps_sexting_me.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40798603500013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeRemember Me Morehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_dying_stepmother_is_comparing_her_death_to_my_mom_s.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. Is it about time this winter wrapped it up?</p>
<p><strong>Q. Sick Stepmother: </strong>My father’s wife recently started treatment for a form of cancer that is slow-moving but ultimately fatal. I want to be supportive to her, and I am so sorry that she is experiencing this illness. She’s always been quite self-absorbed, and I limit my in-person time with her because it’s always about her. However, she has recently taken to telling my siblings and myself how much worse she has it than my mother did. My mother died a horrible, lingering, painful death at the age of 41, when I was 13. I’m not sure why my father’s wife says things like this, but I sense that she’s somehow competing with my mother’s memory. It is painful to hear my father’s wife, who never even met my mother, discuss her death in this way. It brings me right back to the pain and sadness of watching my beautiful mother die. What should I say when she brings up how much more she’s suffered than my mother did? One of my sisters reacted angrily, and my father cut her out for a while, until she apologized. I also want to support my father, who is grieving and in pain, but alone time is rare with him and when she is there, the conversation centers on her.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Sick and dying people deserve a lot of leeway and understanding. But being in extremis does not give people a free pass to treat others unacceptably. What your stepmother is doing is unacceptable, and none of you should have to listen to this. I think all of you siblings should discuss presenting a united front on this. You do not want to let yourselves be provoked, but you need to make clear you won’t listen to this either. Then when your stepmother starts in on how she has it so much worse than your late mother, each of you can say, “Marcia, I am so sorry you’re ill, and I know you’re dealing with difficult issues and painful treatment. However, I do not want to discuss my mother’s death—ever. That is a very painful topic that is not relevant here, and you need to drop it.” If she won’t, then all of you need to explain to your father that you’re going to have to make yourselves scarce and can’t offer the support you’d like to, because you’re not going to be drawn back into reliving the worst time of your lives, and having it presented as some kind of awful contest.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Do Cheaters Deserve Thank-You Notes?: </strong>My ex-husband and the woman for whom he left me bought my husband and me one of the most expensive strollers on the market. We plan to return it to the store and use the money to start our child’s college fund. I have no doubt that these narcissistic jokers, who made my life hell for the year it took me to divorce him, bought the stroller so they could tell themselves they’re “good people.” Do I owe them a thank-you note? My heart says no, but the ghost of my beloved grandma tells me yes.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Hell yes you owe them thanks. Thank goodness they found each other and you got awful husband No. 1 out of your life. It sounds like you met a great guy, and now you’re going to be parents. Hooray for the cheaters! Now, they’ve given you the seed money for your baby’s college fund. A note saying, “We all appreciate your thoughtful gift, thanks for your good wishes,” will suffice. Surely, your grandmother would appreciate your taking pen to paper and she would also say, “Good riddance to bad rubbish.”&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Don’t Want to Poo on Her Parade: </strong>I am about to start a new job with an amazing company that I am very excited about. I will share my new office with a co-worker, and we have a private bathroom that connects to our office. The problem is that I have a gastrointestinal problem that means that I defecate often, loudly, and with a very bad smell. I am working with my doctor on possible solutions, so this may improve with time. Should I tell my new co-worker about the problem and warn her about the side effects? Or should I just go with the flow and let her figure it out on her own? I am happy to go “number two” in another bathroom in the building, but I would need for her (or someone else) to show me where I can find one.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I’m afraid from your description going with the flow will mean your officemate will feel she needs a company-issued gas mask in order to do her duties. You need to do quick reconnaissance and locate some satellite restrooms, then you need to calculate the time you need to reach them, because it sounds as if you don’t necessarily get much warning before the explosion. You also need a travel-size air freshener in your purse, and you should put a potpourri or some other odor eliminator in your office bathroom for those times that you have to use the nearest facilities. One’s bathroom habits are something that society deems off-limits. So don’t start your relationship with your new colleague by describing your bowel ailment. Do your best to keep this issue out of the immediate vicinity. Over time, as your relationship with your co-worker develops, if it becomes obvious, and you also become close, you could mention that you are dealing with a chronic intestinal illness—and surely that news will come as no surprise.</p>
<p><strong>Q. In Love With the Former Nanny: </strong>After my wife died, I would’ve been lost without Julia, the nanny I hired for my children. She worked for me for five years, and since leaving my employ five years ago, she’s remained active and involved in my children’s lives. They adore her, and so do I. I’ve fallen head over heels for this spectacular young woman, and I vacillate between confessing my feelings to her and keeping our relationship a friendship. I know Julia cares deeply for the children and me, but I’m not sure if her feelings for me are romantic, and I worry a confession could ruin our relationship. Is there a standard operating procedure when a man falls for his children’s former nanny?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Maybe Julia watched the Lady Gaga tribute to <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0044XRIMW/?tag=slatmaga-20">The Sound of Music</a> </em>at this year’s Oscars. <em>The Sound of Music </em>is always a good opening for the widower who’s fallen for the nanny. This young woman (and, ahem, how much younger is she?) hasn’t worked for you for five years, so the statute of limitations on employer/employee inappropriateness has long run out. You need to find out if your feelings are mutual, but please don’t do this by blurting out you’re madly in love. You need to raise this in a way that allows both of you to save face however it goes. So the next time she calls to say she wants to drop by, you tell her the kids would love to see her. Then you say, you would like to catch up with her on an adult basis, and ask if she’d like to go out to dinner in the next couple of weeks. Sure, this will be a little ambiguous, but by her reaction you can gauge whether she wants to get it on the calendar immediately or is hemming and hawing about how busy she is. I hope that soon you two will be singing “My Favorite Things.”&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. One-Way Gift?: </strong>My good friend and I both have toddlers. Hers was conceived through IVF, a financial hardship since they do not have money to spare. I am in the position to be able to give my friend $150 to buy something for her child (she has mentioned wanting to get a play kitchen, for example) without missing the money. Should I go ahead and do it (I’d like to), or would such a gift make her feel bad since she cannot reciprocate? I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I say buy the play kitchen and make it a gift—an anniversary gift, a birthday, something. You can say you just couldn’t resist because you know how much her baby would enjoy it—and yours, too, when you’re over playing. If she gets embarrassed or says something about reciprocating, just tell her this was one of those impulse purchases that gave you great pleasure to make, and the reciprocation will be chatting over a cup of tea while your kids pretend to make dinner.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Post-Breakup Ethics: </strong>I went on several dates with this guy and we really hit it off: great company, very gentlemanly, and mind-blowing sex. When the relationship began, I was very up-front with him that I would be moving soon to start a grad program. He had just broken up with his long-term girlfriend, so it seemed like the perfect short-term relationship. Except we booked a very expensive hotel room together for an overseas trip. Now, three weeks before the trip, he’s gone AWOL and the only communication is that he won’t make it on the trip. After much negotiating, he agreed to pay for his half of the hotel, as we originally intended, if I couldn’t find a replacement for him in the double. One of my good friends (female) is strapped for cash and would really appreciate staying in the hotel room for free. (Ex-fling is very well off.) Is it unethical to just forget to tell him that I found a replacement and have my friend stay with me instead?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>He forgot to tell you in a timely way that he was bagging the trip and planning to leave you holding the bag. His obligation was to fulfill his economic half of the bargain, and the good news for him is that he easily can afford it. Invite your broke pal and have a great time together. One evening be sure to lift a glass to a guy who was great in bed but lousy in the reliability department.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Found the Perfect Guy?: </strong>I recently started dating a wonderful man. We’re both in our mid-40s and have both already been married and divorced. He’s smart, makes me laugh, and is an all-around great guy. He also has MS. I have done research and have no issue with his disability but I’m wondering how to address the issue with people who think I’m making a mistake by becoming seriously involved with someone with a disability. Any thoughts?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This is none of anyone’s business. If those who are close to you bring it up, you can say, “I’ve educated myself on this topic, and all is well. I consider myself very lucky to have found Jeremy.”&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. How to Tell People I Have a Benign Brain Tumor: </strong>I have a brain tumor called a prolactinoma. This has made me gain a lot of weight, have short memory, sleep a lot, and become infertile. I have heard so many rude comments from people I work with and family regarding my weight or questions about why I don’t have children yet. (I’m in my 30s.) I really don’t want to tell people about my tumor, but I want them to understand that there is more going on than what they think. Should I just tell them so they realize how inconsiderate they are being?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I hope you’re getting excellent medical care. According to the <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/prolactinoma/basics/treatment/con-20028094">Mayo Clinic</a>, there are drug and surgical options to control this condition. In the meantime you are suffering many side effects from the tumor that are affecting your health and work. I hope you aren’t entirely surrounded by cruel, nosy people. But you can understand that people are wondering about concerning changes in you. I think honesty will make your life easier. Whatever they say, you respond, “I appreciate your concern. I am dealing with a brain tumor. Fortunately, it’s benign, but it is a complicated condition to treat. It’s not something I want to discuss beyond this, thanks.” And it’s fine if you enjoy the looks of shock and shame you get in response.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: One-Way Gift?: </strong>I once bought an expensive book for a friend with whom I do not exchange gifts. It was the PERFECT book and I found it while in Europe—he’d never have found it himself. His response was perfect too—surprise, delight ... I hope the same is true of the friend about to receive a play kitchen—go for it.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks. A lot of people would say that the gift would be humiliating. It’s one thing if there’s a stream of noblesse oblige gifts. It’s another to make a lovely gesture for someone you care about that brings both of you pleasure. I’m glad your friend was delighted and took the gift in the right spirit.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_husband_keeps_sexting_me.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>Mon, 02 Mar 2015 19:38:30 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_dying_stepmother_is_comparing_her_death_to_my_mom_s.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-02T19:38:30ZPrudie counsels a letter writer whose dying stepmother is comparing her death to that of the letter writer’s mom.LifeHelp! My Dying Stepmother Is Comparing Her Death to My Mom’s.100150302012Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_dying_stepmother_is_comparing_her_death_to_my_mom_s.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40798603500013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_2_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence!&nbsp;</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/03/dear_prudence_my_dying_stepmother_is_comparing_her_death_to_my_mom_s.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>Mon, 02 Mar 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_2_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-03-02T17:00:00ZFor March 2, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150225015adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_2_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeThe Hunting Groundhttp://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2015/02/the_hunting_ground_a_campus_rape_documentary_that_fails_to_provide_a_full.html
<p>T<em>he Hunting Ground</em> opens like a horror movie: We meet a suite of innocents who have no idea they’re heading off to hell. This documentary about sexual assault on college campuses begins with YouTube videos of high school girls reacting with tearful joy to their acceptance letters. <em>Lambs to the slaughter</em>, we’re supposed to think. The film that follows portrays college as so dangerous for young women that the viewer is left with the sense that these students would have been better off posting college rejection videos and staying home.</p>
<p><em>The Hunting Ground</em> arrives at an interesting moment in the national conversation on campus sexual assault. Press coverage and statements from government and university officials portray a problem of vast scope. The Obama administration has taken action: Schools are now under pressure from the federal government to show they take sexual assault charges seriously and mete out appropriate punishment. At the same time, a number of critics (and <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/12/college_rape_campus_sexual_assault_is_a_serious_problem_but_the_efforts.html">I’m one of them</a>) suggest that a <a href="http://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2015/02/20/the-new-panic-campus-sex-assaults/0X0a9RoCySmrLUMFQ73kWM/story.html">moral panic</a> is clouding our ability to rationally assess the problem. A range of voices—among them <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/08/opinion/sunday/the-best-way-to-address-campus-rape.html">journalists</a> and <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/geoffrey-r-stone/campus-sexual-assault_b_6586428.html">law professors</a>—has raised concerns that the systems being put in place at schools to adjudicate these cases are grossly unfair to the accused. What a perfect time for a film that addresses all this, and illuminates a way forward.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, <em>The Hunting Ground</em> is not that movie. It is a polemic that—as its title suggests—portrays young women as prey, frequently assaulted and frequently ignored by their universities and law enforcement when they try to bring charges. The movie, from director Kirby Dick and producer Amy Ziering, features numerous interviews with women who describe horrific experiences, and their testimony has raw, emotional power. But good policy about the lives of young people—female and male—needs to be based on prudent assessment. The film traffics in alarmist statistics and terrifying assertions, but fails to acknowledge both the recent changes in the way the government and universities approach sexual assault charges and the critiques that those changes go too far. By refusing to engage the current conversation about this issue, the film does its subjects—and us all—a disservice.</p>
<p><em>The Hunting Ground</em> relentlessly makes the point, for example, that about 20 percent of female college students will be sexually assaulted by classmates. Diane Rosenfeld of Harvard Law School analogizes that if the parents of male students were told their sons had a “1 in 4 or 5 chance” of being a victim of a drive-by shooting at college, Mom and Dad would think twice about sending them. In a <strong><em>Slate</em></strong><em> </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/12/college_rape_campus_sexual_assault_is_a_serious_problem_but_the_efforts.html">piece</a> in December on campus sexual assault, I examined some of the studies underlying this claim, which has long been cited by advocates on this issue. It turns out many of the studies rest on narrow samples or wildly extrapolated numbers. (Even New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, a co-sponsor of proposed legislation on campus sexual assault who appears briefly in the film, <a href="http://www.politico.com/morningeducation/1214/morningeducation16529.html">quietly took</a> the “1 in 5” statistic off her website in December.) Callie Marie Rennison, co-director of the Criminology and Criminal Justice Research Initiative at the University of Colorado Denver, writing in the <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/22/opinion/who-suffers-most-from-rape-and-sexual-assault-in-america.html?_r=0"><em>New York Times</em></a>, deplored the idea that students and parents are being bombarded with assertions of “an epidemic where one does not exist.”</p>
<p>Not only is sexual assault an expected part of the college experience, the filmmakers assert, once it happens victims generally discover that no officials at their schools will take action or even care. These callous, indifferent administrators coddle perpetrators and systematically cover up heinous crimes in an effort to maintain their school’s good—if false—reputation. Occidental College assistant professor of sociology and activist Danielle Dirks says, “Schools are actively and aggressively not wanting to tell the truth about what is going on on their campuses. Because the first campuses to do so will be known as the rape campuses.” (In my article I mention Dirks’ involvement in getting a male freshman expelled from Occidental after he hooked up with a female freshman while both were drunk.)</p>
<p><em>The Hunting Ground</em> asserts that even when a victim pushes past the roadblocks and makes a formal report to administrators, it will do no good. Lawyer and activist Colby Bruno says, “The message is clear: It’s don’t proceed through these disciplinary hearings. No matter what you do, you’re not going to win.” The film follows this quote with a graphic showing a paltry number of expulsions of male students at six top schools. But let’s examine this assertion that colleges would rather leave perpetrators unpunished than acknowledge there are any. The higher education insurance group, United Educators, just <a href="https://www.ue.org/sexual_assault_claims_study">released a study</a> of 305 sexual assault claims they received from 104 member schools for the three years ending in 2013. I spoke to the organization’s director of risk research, Alyssa Keehan, who said, “The most common narrative you hear is that institutions don’t care about sexual assault. Our data suggests otherwise.” UE’s findings show that when a formal complaint is brought against a student, in 45 percent of the cases he is found responsible. When that happens, more than 80 percent of the time he is given the most severe penalty available—either expulsion or suspension. The study found in 25 percent of the cases the accused is found not responsible. In 23 percent of the cases the school did not adjudicate, not because of a cover-up, but because in the majority of these instances the accuser either asked the school not to investigate, became uncooperative, or could not identify the accused. In the remainder of cases, the accused withdrew from school.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that UE’s broad definition of sexual assault includes, “sexual coercion, nonconsensual sexual touching (i.e., fondling and kissing)” as well as “nonconsensual sexual intercourse including vaginal, oral, and anal penetration.” (Although there is no standard definition of sexual assault used by colleges, this one is reflective of a general move to expand the term.) Is the UE study the final word to show that higher education does take sexual assault claims seriously? Of course not. It’s safe to say that when it comes to campus sexual assault no study is the final word. But I wish the filmmakers didn’t treat every data point, or statement by a talking head, as indisputable truth.</p>
<p><em>The Hunting Ground</em> asserts that the criminal justice system is as uninterested in pursuing campus sexual assault cases as college administrators. But the recent <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/27/vanderbilt-rape-guilty_n_6558710.html">Vanderbilt University gang rape</a> convictions offer one dramatic counterexample. This case, so appalling it shocks the conscience, is not examined in <em>The Hunting Ground</em>. There was no accuser bringing forth a claim—she has <a href="http://www.foxsports.com/college-football/story/vanderbilt-rape-trial-prosecution-rests-woman-does-not-remember-events-012215">no memory</a> of what happened because she was unconscious. Campus police, looking into a report of vandalism, found security footage of an unconscious female being dragged down a dormitory hall by a group of athletes. If ever a school had an opportunity to ignore a possible rape and spare itself a grave blow to its reputation, this was it. Instead, the campus police turned the footage over to Nashville police (and Vanderbilt eventually kicked the young men off the football team and expelled them). At first the victim refused to believe anything had happened to her. But the detectives were persistent, and their evidence, including horrifying cellphone videos, convinced her. After the verdict, she gave her heartfelt thanks to the authorities who helped her and made sure justice was done.</p>
<p>Young activists profiled in the film brought complaints to the federal government that their schools’ poor handling of sexual assaults violated Title IX, the law that forbids sex-based discrimination in education. In response the Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights began an aggressive campaign of investigating schools for such violations—there are now around 100 schools on that burgeoning list.</p>
<p>But beyond noting this list, <em>The Hunting Ground</em> does not examine or explore the role of OCR, the most important player on the issue of campus sexual assault. The Obama administration has made ending campus sexual assault a signature issue. Toward that end, the OCR has released a series of regulatory edicts that has remade how campuses deal with sexual assault, starting with the infamous “Dear Colleague” letter released in 2011. That letter told administrators that they must put new rules in place to assure the physical and psychological safety of accusers. But that worthy goal has resulted in a system stacked against the accused, one that often assumes guilt and eviscerates due process. Groups of professors at both <a href="http://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2014/10/14/rethink-harvard-sexual-harassment-policy/HFDDiZN7nU2UwuUuWMnqbM/story.html">Harvard Law School</a> and the <a href="http://media.philly.com/documents/OpenLetter.pdf">University of Pennsylvania</a> have written open letters condemning these developments.</p>
<p>Schools are focused on doing exactly what the OCR demands in order to avoid attracting its attention. <a href="http://www.chroniclecareers.com/article/Colleges-Call-in-Legal-Pros-to/190029/">The <em>Chronicle of Higher Education </em></a>&nbsp;notes that “a shadow justice system” is being set up on campuses, with schools hiring new staff—often lawyers—to investigate and adjudicate sexual assault cases and that law firms are offering their services as freelance finders of fact, at a fee of $5,000 to $20,000 per investigation. If you want to see how seriously schools are taking the OCR mandate, look at this page from the <a href="http://www.swarthmore.edu/sexual-misconduct-prevention-response/swarthmore-college-action-steps-to-date">Swarthmore College</a> website, touting how many personnel are devoted in full or in part at this school of 1,500 students to monitoring and handling sexual misconduct. But <em>The Hunting Ground</em> does not address the changes OCR has wrought in the ways campuses handle sexual assault accusations; instead it declares there are virtually no resources for victims.</p>
<p>Many of the female students in the film say that when they reported crimes against them they were asked rude questions, such as “Did you say ‘No’?,” “How much did you have to drink?,” and “What were you wearing?” But presenting such questions as prima facie insensitivity is unfair. People who handle campus sexual assault cases have to ask whether someone said no—that goes to the heart of whether there was consent.&nbsp;They need to ask how much someone had to drink—it’s relevant in establishing whether a victim can clearly recall the events in question. One investigator told me that asking what someone was wearing is not done to shame, but to establish facts. If he says she lifted her own skirt, and she says they struggled as he pulled off her jeans, then you have a matter that needs resolving.</p>
<p>A Swarthmore student in the film describes an assailant and says she knows of four other students assaulted by the same person. It’s a horrifying assertion. But we have no basis on which to judge it. What was the nature of these assaults? Were they reported? If so, how were they handled? If they weren’t reported, what was the school to do? As for the idea that Swarthmore blithely lets predators roam free—here’s a case for which details are available.</p>
<p>In <a href="http://www.scribd.com/doc/206515758/John-Doe-vs-Swarthmore">the spring of 2011</a>, Swarthmore students John Doe and Jane Doe shared a kiss. A few days later, they escalated their sexual contact but did not have intercourse. Shortly after that, there was a third rendezvous; by Jane’s own admission she came to John’s room and initiated consensual intercourse. Nineteen months after these events, Jane reconsidered what had happened and brought a complaint to the school that she had been coerced during the first and second encounters. The school investigated, but took no disciplinary action against John. Then two Swarthmore students filed a Title IX complaint with the OCR. Within two weeks the school reopened its investigation of John, quickly found him responsible for sexual assault, and expelled him. John filed suit, and at the end of last year, <a href="https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2014/12/01/swarthmore-drops-findings-against-male-student-who-sued-under-title-ix">Swarthmore vacated</a> its finding against John—who is now attending another college and has no intention of returning to Swarthmore. <em>The Hunting Ground </em>never even makes a feint at acknowledging that dozens of young men like John Doe have filed similar lawsuits, saying they were deprived of an education over dubious charges.</p>
<p>At the emotional heart of the film are a few extended stories, and they are wrenching. But these accounts leave out the kind of crucial details that show how complicated these cases can be. One is about Lizzy Seeberg, a 19-year-old who committed suicide by taking an overdose of antidepressants after reporting that a University of Notre Dame football player had forcibly kissed and touched her. (There was no allegation of rape.) It is agony to hear her father describe his daughter’s last days. But surely the filmmakers have an obligation to mention that Seeberg <a href="http://ncronline.org/news/accountability/reported-sexual-assault-notre-dame-campus-leaves-more-questions-answers">had long been treated for</a> depression and anxiety and that her therapist noted she’d previously had “suicidal thoughts.” And fairness would require them to acknowledge the accused’s differing version of the evening.</p>
<p>The longest set piece concerns the rape allegation against Jameis Winston, the former Florida State University quarterback. Winston was not charged after a criminal investigation and was <a href="http://www.foxsports.com/college-football/story/full-copy-of-jameis-winston-hearing-decision-122114">found not responsible</a> after a campus hearing in December. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/26/movies/the-hunting-ground-a-film-about-rape-culture-at-colleges.html">The<em> New York Times</em></a><em> </em>wrote that the film challenges the National Football League to reconsider drafting him. In the movie his accuser, former FSU student Erica Kinsman, goes public. She says that after drinking a shot at an off-campus bar she started feeling strange: “I’m fairly certain there was something in that drink.” Slipping in and out of consciousness, she says she found herself in a cab with three men—Winston and his roommates—and woke to find him brutally raping her. But the filmmakers fail to note that <a href="http://www.realclearsports.com/articles/2015/02/17/new_york_times_and_jameis_winston_98148.html#.VO_Sv8a-w7Y">two toxicology reports</a> found that she had no drugs in her system and little alcohol. They don’t reveal that at the December hearing she did not assert that she was drugged or unconscious. And because Winston is on the record denying the charges, fairness would mean acknowledging this.</p>
<p>I recognize that raising questions about the stories of rape accusers is sensitive territory. And it was brave of the women in this film (and their families) to tell their stories. For far too long, women’s rape claims went ignored. But a rush to the opposite extreme—to privileging the claims of accusers without due diligence or due process or any recognition that sex can be murky territory—has already had real and devastating consequences at universities across the country. Sexual assault is a serious problem on campus, and activists are to be applauded for bringing attention and resources to it. But the atmosphere of alarm that pervades <em>The Hunting Ground</em> does not serve accusers, the accused, or their classmates, young people who are still learning how to think about sex.</p>
<p>At one point in the film a cheeky animation shows the absurd punishments imposed on young men found responsible for “sexual assault.” There is a student who is suspended for one day, one who is fined $25, and one who is asked to write a paper. But we have no idea what behavior is covered by the term “sexual assault.” I assume even the filmmakers would agree someone accused of an unwanted kiss should be treated differently from someone who had intercourse with an unconscious woman. Colleges today are being urged by the federal government to conduct “climate surveys” analyzing the incidence of and attitudes about sexual assault on campus. At Barnard College the 2014 <a href="http://barnard.edu/sites/default/files/campus_climate_survey_report_final.pdf">campus climate survey</a> found that about 20 percent of Barnard students said they had experienced sexual assault. The question that drew the overwhelming majority of responses was this: “During the past 12 months have you given into sexual play (fondling, kissing, touching, but not intercourse) when you didn’t want to because you were overwhelmed by the other person’s arguments and/or pressure?” This trivializing of sexual assault should give all of us pause. This definition means that if a male Columbia University student persuades a Barnard student to make out with him, and she later feels she was pressured, she could file a complaint that leads to his removal from school. Through such questions we may be teaching a generation of young men that pressuring a woman into sexual activity is never a good idea, but we are also teaching a generation of young women that they are malleable, weak, “overwhelmed,” and helpless in the face of male persuasion.</p>
<p>A film that factually and fairly examines what is happening on campuses regarding sexual assault, that looks at all the forces at work, that understands when there is an accuser there is also an accused, and that we need to hear both of their sides would be a useful contribution to this issue. <em>The Hunting Ground</em> is not that film.</p>Fri, 27 Feb 2015 21:15:49 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2015/02/the_hunting_ground_a_campus_rape_documentary_that_fails_to_provide_a_full.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-27T21:15:49ZThe failures of a new documentary about rape on college campuses.Double XWhat’s Wrong With the New Documentary About Rape on College Campuses100150227015moviesrapesexual assaulthigher educationEmily YoffeDoublexhttp://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2015/02/the_hunting_ground_a_campus_rape_documentary_that_fails_to_provide_a_full.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028538001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_1U0LqDiRqg6y9siD7-Z_bO40847753390011519028538001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_1U0LqDiRqg6y9siD7-Z_bO40847753390011519028538001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_1U0LqDiRqg6y9siD7-Z_bO40847753390011519028538001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_1U0LqDiRqg6y9siD7-Z_bO40847753390011519028538001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_1U0LqDiRqg6y9siD7-Z_bO40847753390011519028538001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_1U0LqDiRqg6y9siD7-Z_bO40847753390011519028538001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_1U0LqDiRqg6y9siD7-Z_bO4084775339001Courtesy of RadiusA woman on a college campus in <em>The Hunting Ground</em>.God Hates Nagshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_son_hates_church_should_i_stop_making_him_go.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_march_2_2015.html">Submit your questions and comments here</a> before or during the live discussion.<br /> </em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> Two years ago when my son was 10 he became very verbal about hating church and resisted going. My older son loves the teen group at Sunday school and assured his brother that when he made it out of the baby area, he, too, would love it. Well, he does not. Each Sunday morning he yells, pouts, and eventually succumbs to my threats. Then he takes his snarky and unhelpful attitude to Sunday school. He doesn’t believe in God, and his very cool Sunday teacher works with that. I hated my boring church as a kid, and looking back I wonder, had I not gone to church would I have been a worse person? My husband was forced to attend his church when he was little. Now, he sleeps late Sunday morning, then hikes and does other activities. He is supportive of the fact that both our sons’ spiritual development is important to me. Do I force my son to go or give up?</p>
<p>—Mad as Hell Mom</p>
<p>Dear Mad,<br /> There are some people who believe that one’s degree of religious belief has a <a href="http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-08/what-twins-reveal-about-god-gene">large genetic component</a>. That means in societies in which everyone appears to be pious, many are secretly saying to themselves, “This is a crock.” Let’s say this genetic theory is true. That means you may have passed your blue eyes and devotion to your elder son, and your husband may have passed his brown eyes and lack of belief to your younger. You and your older son find spiritual and intellectual sustenance in the church, but your younger son finds the whole thing intolerable. You’ve been fighting this losing battle for two years, and if you keep going, your son will flee all observance as soon as he is able. I think you need to walk a more tolerant path. Tell your little atheist that you’ve been thinking about what he’s been saying about church, you’re tired of dragging him to Sunday school, and you’re reconsidering your stand. But before you do, you have a requirement he needs to fulfill. You want him to write an essay (minimum two typed pages) about the progression of his (dis)beliefs, and he must cite examples of people who have struggled with lack of faith—Biblical sources get extra credit. Then, if he takes this assignment seriously, release him. But say this doesn’t mean he gets to watch TV or play video games while his brother is getting religious instruction. Have your husband agree that Sunday will be bonding time for the two skeptics. Maybe when they hike to the top of a mountain one day, your son will look around and feel a spiritual awakening.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My family recently learned that my wonderful father-in-law has a very aggressive, incurable form of brain cancer. He had surgery to remove the bulk of the tumor and has lost the ability to perform many basic skills like driving and reading. He is currently undergoing radiation and chemo, which the doctors say may give him anywhere from six months to two years to live. My father-in-law is 88 years old and has been very healthy and active up to this point. He says he has lived a good life and wants to have as much fun as possible in the time he has left. My in-laws live just a few blocks from us, so we have become very involved in their daily lives. My husband is very close with his father and is devastated by this turn of events. He immediately began researching various cancer treatments and has tried to convince his parents to adopt an ultra-healthy diet. My in-laws enjoy a nightly martini and eat white bread and prepared foods. Despite bombarding them with supporting evidence, studies, videos, books, and every other persuasive technique possible, they are adamant that the whole thing just sounds like hocus-pocus. My husband takes his mother shopping and scrutinizes every single item she buys. When we eat together, he says things like, “Mom, if you want to eat that, it’s fine, but Dad shouldn’t because it will kill him.”&nbsp;I tried to explain to my husband that his parents are adults and we cannot make them do anything, and he responded that he would never forgive himself if he does not “take this issue to the mat.” What should I do?</p>
<p>—End of Life Issues</p>
<p>Dear End,<br /> If your husband forces these dietary changes on his parents, it will not prolong his father’s life, it will just make it feel that way to the poor man. There’s something profoundly disturbing at the heart of your letter. Your husband has parents heading toward their 90s but seems unable to contemplate their deaths. That means he has a lot of thinking to do in short order about the finiteness of life, and the fact that soon he will have to go through the rest of his without his beloved father. That is hard, but it’s also what’s known as “the natural course of events.” You have to use all your influence, because he is driving mad two old people he professes to love. He is not thinking about them, he’s thinking about himself and his overwhelming anxiety about the future. Tell your husband he needs some grief counseling right away because he is upsetting and alienating his parents. Explain you love your in-laws too, and you feel you must protect them from his harassment. Say you’ll also do everything you can to see your husband through this loss, and you hope that because he loves his father so much, he will honor that by letting the last days be filled with affection, calm, and gin.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong><br /> Years ago I was helping my family go through old boxes in our old childhood home. In one of the boxes were many old paintings, some that my parents had painted and some they had picked up over the years. I found a gorgeous pastel of a woman in this box. It turns out that my father himself received it as compensation for work he did many years ago. Upon further research, it turns out to be a fairly rare piece of art done by a famous artist and is worth a fairly decent amount of money. My siblings have since found out and want me to sell it and have us all split it. I don’t want to sell it! This is a rare piece of history. Short of having to buy a new kidney for one of my siblings, I don’t want us to sell this treasure. What should I do?</p>
<p>—Want It on the Wall</p>
<p>Dear Want,<br /> The key phrase here is not “rare piece of art” or “I don’t want to sell” but “years ago.” I spoke with attorney <a href="http://www.wyattfirm.com/professionals-detail/a-stephen-mcdaniel">A. Stephen McDaniel</a>, former president of the&nbsp;National Association of Estate Planners and Councils. He noted that based on your description, it is not totally clear how your parents divided up their possessions. But it sounds as if they did what many people do—leave it to the kids to figure out among themselves. From your telling, you all went through their stuff, and your good eye led you to choose the pastel. You hint that once you got the picture, you did some research about your find, discovered it was valuable, then made the mistake of blabbing this to your siblings. If that is what transpired, the estate is long closed, and if there was no agreement at the time that you were holding the pastel on everyone’s behalf, then McDaniel has good news for you. It’s yours! There’s more good news: It’s illegal to buy kidneys, so if one of your siblings has organ failure, you can’t sell the drawing to purchase a new one. Your siblings should start frequenting estate sales themselves. Maybe they will find someone else’s overlooked treasure in another old box.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> I’m due to run into my ex at a networking event. She left me for another man and I have no interest in rekindling things with her. I don’t see the point of pleasantries either. Since we broke up, I’ve shut her out of my life, not returning her emails or texts. I’d love to tell her what I really think of her, but our bosses will be there and it isn’t the right time.&nbsp;The last thing I want to do is to give her the idea that she can somehow have&nbsp;friendly conversation with me, in person or by email. Is there a sure-fire way to keep conversation at a minimum but also to convey that she should get lost, and stay lost?</p>
<p>—So Done</p>
<p>Dear Done,<br /> You may not see the point of pleasantries, but I do. You took a zero tolerance approach to her cheating, and that’s fine. I don’t know what her emails and texts entailed, but many people who have behaved badly try to feel less bad about it by getting the person they wronged to forgive them. But acknowledging her existence at this event does not mean anything beyond the fact that you are a polite grown-up.&nbsp;If you make an effort to avoid her, your whole evening will revolve around her, you’ll be miserable, and you will be giving her power over you. Instead, slap an insincere smile on your face and say, “Claire, good to see you, I hope all is well.” Allow her to spit out a single sentence, and then say, “Glad to hear it. Please excuse me, I’ve got to catch someone.” Then walk off, keeping up that smile. If she tries approaching you again during the course of the evening, just say, “I’m sorry, I’m parched, I’ve got to refresh my drink. Bye.” Your combination of cordiality and curtness will be confounding, which is much better than showing her how badly she hurt you and that you’re still licking your wounds.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
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<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_accidentally_insulted_a_co_worker_oops.html">Despicable Me</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman mortified after accidentally insulting a colleague.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_can_t_stand_my_having_sex_with_her_son.html">Thou Shalt Not Sleep With My Son</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman who receives death stares from her mother-in-law the morning after sex.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudie_my_daughter_got_pregnant_at_her_friend_s_party_and_now_the_owners.html">Three Families and a Baby</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man whose daughter got pregnant at a house party and wants the owners to chip in.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_future_sister_in_law_wants_us_to_delay_the_wedding_until.html">Boob Delay</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose fianc&eacute; wants to schedule their wedding around his sister's breast augmentation.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 26 Feb 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_son_hates_church_should_i_stop_making_him_go.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-26T11:00:00ZMy 12-year-old kicks and screams his way to church. Should I stop making him go?LifeHelp! My 12-Year-Old Hates, Hates Going to Church. Should I Give Up?100150225014Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_son_hates_church_should_i_stop_making_him_go.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40798603500013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeBoyfriend Obsessed With Showeringhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_boyfriend_obsessed_with_showering.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a woman whose foreign-born boyfriend thinks she's filthy for only showering once a day.</p>Wed, 25 Feb 2015 19:46:37 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_boyfriend_obsessed_with_showering.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-25T19:46:37ZHe wants me to shower at least twice a day.VideoHelp! My Boyfriend Wants Me to Shower at Least Twice a Day.100150225009Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_boyfriend_obsessed_with_showering.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t407986035000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40798603500013926365990001Cutting Dad Offhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_daughter_wants_me_to_get_a_vasectomy.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Daughter Wants Me to Get a Vasectomy: </strong>My wife died last year. She is the only person I have ever slept with, but I suppose I wouldn’t necessarily wait until remarriage to have sex again. My college-aged daughter wants me to get a vasectomy. She’s heard stories of younger women taking advantage of older men and sometimes having their babies. She feels I wouldn’t be prepared for a new child (and I’m sure she’s also thinking of her inheritance). I told her that I’ll figure that out if and when I decide to have that kind of relationship with someone. But she’s worried that something will happen spontaneously, and then it will be too late. I think I have more self-control than that, but should I get a vasectomy just for my daughter’s peace of mind?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Maybe, to mollify your concerned daughter, you should take her with you when you get snipped—she can grill the doctor to make sure you’re done with sperm production. Then while you’re recovering with an ice pack to the scrotum, you can call in your estate lawyer and draw up documents that show her when you finally kick, she will get everything! I hope your daughter has some redeeming qualities. She has lost her mother, you’re all she has left, and she realizes that you will be a hot commodity on the dating market. I also understand a young adult could feel uneasy about the idea of her mother being replaced by a younger woman, one who might produce some half siblings (and future heirs!). However, these are issues for her to talk about with a counselor who can help her sort out her grief, fear, and avarice. She cannot make these demands of you. You need to tell her that while you appreciate she is worried about your being taken advantage of, you are an adult and you are going to proceed cautiously. You then emphasize your romantic life and even your future reproductive decisions are not her business. Tell her firmly she is way out of line, and while you love her beyond measure, you are not going to engage in this discussion with her. Being clear now is important so that she doesn’t think she’s empowered to blow up any relationship you might enter.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Passive “Suicide”: </strong>I am a 59-year-old woman who recently made a difficult decision not to get treatment for breast cancer, despite an excellent prognosis. Many of my family members lived well into their 90s, including both my parents. My mother spent the last decade of her life existing on a machine, and my father lived in a nursing home unable to recognize anyone he loved, frightened and lashing out that his caregivers were trying to poison him. These experiences still haunt me and I am afraid if I don’t take the “opportunity” now to die on my own terms, this will be how I spend my final years, too. What I now wonder is, should I tell my friends and family about my decision? Or keep it to myself until it’s past treatable? I don’t know if I want to deal with other people’s emotions and pleas. I will appreciate your thoughts.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>My thought is that you must get some clarity with a medical team that includes your oncologist and a therapist. There is no reason for you to end up having a miserable end like your parents. But to die in your early 60s from a wholly treatable disease seems like a terrible decision that is not coming from a rational place. I fully support those who have no treatment options left and choose palliative care so what time they have left is as easy and comfortable as possible. But that is not your situation. Surely there are people who love you who will be devastated by your decision. You, as your disease progresses, might also realize you have made a mistake—but then it will be too late. You say you don’t want to deal with others’ emotions and pleas, but I’m a stranger and you’ve asked me for my thoughts. I think your plan is one you should abandon immediately.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Mom’s Boudoir Photos: </strong>My mother lived with my husband and me until she passed away recently and unexpectedly. Since then, one of my brothers has been helping me go through her belongings. We found some boudoir-style photos of her, nothing overly explicit, but nothing her children want. I know she liked to talk about how she was hot when she was younger, and I’m sure she was happy to have photographic proof. It feels wrong to throw pictures of her away. What do I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>At least your mother was a happy customer of the boudoir photo industry, <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boudoir_photos_make_me_look_really_bad.html">unlike this recent letter writer</a>. So, was Mom hot? Or maybe that’s a question a child simply can’t answer. I agree it would be hard to toss the documentary proof that you late mother was one sexy momma. On the other hand, you’re not going to frame these and put them in your entrance hall. Even in this digital age, you must have a family photo album stashed somewhere. So put your mother’s photos in an envelope and stick them in the back of the album. They might be objects of great fascination for the next generation.</p>
<p><strong>Q. I Wished My Co-Worker That Her Cancer Comes Back: </strong>A while ago I worked at a high-pressure hedge fund with a very intense culture. One co-worker was particularly nasty to me on a regular basis. She was borderline abusive, and I was constantly stressed by her attacks. That kind of behavior was in a way expected and approved by management. My co-worker was a cancer survivor, and in the time of most distress I secretly imagined that her cancer was back and she suffered. Those kinds of thoughts are so unlike me and made me feel like a terrible person. I felt horrified that this idea even occurred to me. Now, I feel guilty that the idea of her suffering made me feel good. How do I deal with this?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If your nasty thoughts had the power to send malignant cells metastasizing through her body, I’d say you have something serious to answer for. But guess what, those thoughts are simply encased in your head and have no power over the fate of your nemesis. The only person they have power over is you, and it’s important that you not berate yourself for indulging in nasty but perfectly normal thoughts about someone who was making your life miserable. Listen to<a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/375927143/the-secret-history-of-thoughts?showDate=2015-01-09"> this fascinating episode of the NPR show <em>Invisibilia</em></a>, which explores people who feel disabled by their own dark thoughts. If you were to take a survey among the people you know and ask if anyone had ever had similar ugly wishes toward another, if people were being honest, you’d find a 100 percent positive response rate. You deal with this by accepting you are human and your ill wishes did no harm and helped you cope with a terrible colleague.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Mom’s Boudoir Photos: </strong>I liked your suggestion that the LW put Mom’s racy photos in an envelope in the back of an album. But don’t forget to stick in a note explaining who the photo is of and the context. When my mom died, she left us lots of old family photos, but she and the previous generations never bothered to label them, assuming everyone would know who was who. It will be a lot more fun for the next generation if they don’t have to guess which great-granny is in the bustier.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Good point. A little exegesis on the origin of the photos would make them so much more interesting.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Daughter Wants Father to Have Vasectomy: </strong>The flip side of this is that if the dad is certain he doesn’t want more kids (with one in college), he should be thinking about it. He should tell his daughter she does not get to control his love life, but that does not mean her advice is not good. It could also go a LONG way in not having her disrupt any future relationships he has.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>He didn’t say he was certain. I’m afraid giving in to a college student’s demand that dad get a vasectomy in order to keep her from interfering in his love life is not the way to go.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Trust Issues with Fianc&eacute;e: </strong>My girlfriend and I recently got engaged. We share all of our passwords and emails, and I was definitely snooping when I found an email confirming that she had slept with a mutual friend of ours around the time that we began dating. That’s fine, and she is obviously free to do that. The problem is that she never told me about it, despite our (so I thought) openness about our sexual histories. This affects me because our mutual friend is not known for using the safest practices, which obviously now has an impact on my health. My question is this: Am I doomed to silently stew about this breach of trust, or do I confront her about never telling me? I know that it is hypocritical to get worked up about this when I’m guilty of snooping as well.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I think you should put the wedding planning on ice while you examine the fundamentals of your relationship. Some people indeed are very open about all their communications, but I’m getting an uneasy feeling about this sharing of all your passwords and emails. Why would you check your fianc&eacute;e’s emails? And if you are entitled to read them daily, what was the snooping about? Were you suspicious she was cheating on you? Or did you have to scratch that longtime suspicion that something might have been up between her and Jason? As you acknowledge, that tryst was none of your business and not a violation. She had no obligation to tell you, and given your behavior now, you can understand why she didn’t. Please can the excuse that your health has somehow been damaged by this guy. Either she got an STD from him and passed it on to you, or she didn’t. If she didn’t, their encounter has had no effect on your health. But maybe the issue is more your mental health. You sound like a hyper-controlling, jealous sort. So I think you should come completely clean with your fianc&eacute;e. Say you went snooping, and that you were distressed to find out she slept with Jason. Give her the full dose of who you really are. If she wants to go ahead with the wedding, then that’s on her.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Husband Drinks, I’m Newly Sober: </strong>As of today it has been three months since I quit smoking—yay me! In that process I also quit drinking alcohol. I realize I am an alcoholic and even though I quit drinking while pregnant with my two sons, now 4 and 8, I resumed my usual bottle(s) of wine a night quickly after both were born. In my newfound sobriety, I have become concerned for my husband. He drinks every night, usually getting to the point of slurring words and stumbling. He becomes aggressive, getting upset easily. I have tried not to get on a high horse, but anytime I say anything about his drinking, a huge argument ensues. He points out every “wrong” thing about me. I’m at my wits’ end. It has even occurred to me it would be easier if I opened some wine and sat outside with a pack of cigarettes to avoid him—I’m not going to, but it can’t be good I would rather avoid my husband than be around him. What is the first step you take in this kind of situation?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You’ve taken the first step—recognizing you’re an alcoholic. The second one is recognizing that you’re married to one. If you are going sober on your own, I urge you to get support. You’re already thinking of blowing your sobriety just to relieve the distress of dealing with your angry, drunken husband. You can find help through a support group, or through an individual counselor. Both would probably be good, and I think you need your own therapist who deals in substance abuse issues to be there to guide you through these rocky shoals. You have two little boys who have parents with serious problems. You are finally acknowledging yours. But for the sake of your kids’ mental and physical health, you need to get some systems in place to make sure their lives aren’t ruled by the bottle.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Passive Suicide: </strong>I totally understand your fears, but take heart! Aid-in-dying legislation is moving forward in many states. It seems possible, if not likely, that you can have assistance in ending your life if you are of sound mind with a terminal illness when you have reached an older age.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Agreed that there is going to have to be a major change in how we deal with these issues so that dying boomers don’t sink the entire country. There are advance directives now that the letter writer—that anyone!—can put in place to make sure no extraordinary measures are taken. But let’s hope the letter writer will not have to face this herself for several decades.</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next week.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_male_boss_took_us_to_see_fifty_shades_of_grey.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</strong></a><strong></strong></em></strong></p>Tue, 24 Feb 2015 15:30:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_daughter_wants_me_to_get_a_vasectomy.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-24T15:30:00ZPrudie counsels a widower whose daughter wants him to get a vasectomy.LifeHelp! My Daughter Wants Me to Get a Vasectomy.100150224008Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_daughter_wants_me_to_get_a_vasectomy.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40642710790013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeOffice Bondagehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_male_boss_took_us_to_see_fifty_shades_of_grey.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Fifty Shades of Inappropriate: </strong>My boss took all the women in the office to see <em>Fifty Shades of Grey</em>. All of us liked the book and had often expressed excitement about the movie, so it’s not like he came up with the idea all on his own. And he was clearly trying to be nice; he bought us all lunch and drinks beforehand too. But I can’t help feeling that this was weird and inappropriate. He can get very defensive when someone calls him out on some of his mostly harmless but antiquated attitudes. He thinks of his employees as his friends and assumes we feel the same. How can I make him see that he crossed a line without making him feel bad?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Your boss sounds lucky all of you female employees didn’t handcuff him to his desk while you went off to a <em>Fifty Shades </em>matinee. There is so much wrong in this story, from the boss’s offer to the collective acceptance of the invitation. I understand he’s the boss, but all of you should have banded together and made clear such an outing was not appropriate for work, and that you were declining his offer. You have one of those boundary-challenged bosses, so you need to establish clear boundaries and stick to them. “I’m sorry, that makes me uncomfortable,” is a way to respond to his lunatic suggestion. Then document everything. If his defensiveness becomes retaliation, you need to be able to show cause and effect. And from now on, no more movie dates with the creepy boss.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Too Much Tongue: </strong>My boyfriend of a year is an amazing guy. Unfortunately he’s not such an amazing kisser. On our first date he used way too much tongue, and I mean I felt like I was getting my tonsils examined. I never could bring myself to say anything to him; partly because I’ve never felt like an expert kisser, but I can’t handle this. I’ve slowly started to avoid any heavy make-out sessions with him because even the occasional tongue choking is way too much. How do I bring this up without hurting him? He acts like a tough guy, but I know he’s more sensitive than he lets on and I fear he might take this personally.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I’m afraid when it comes to telling someone you want him to stop playing tongue hockey with your tonsils, it is personal. One of the very first Dear Prudence letters I got was about whether it’s possible to reform a bad kisser. Lots of readers said no, but lots said yes. Those that said yes explained they got their beloved’s tongue out of their mouths and used their own tongue to explain what kind of kissing they liked. Then they offered one-on-one lessons. That means you have to be kind but confident about this. Your boyfriend doesn’t know you hate his Roto-Rooter style osculation, so tell him—then demonstrate the more gentle connection that turns you on. No one wants to hear, “You’re not doing it right.” But surely a confident person would like to hear, “I love making love with you, so let’s explore this together.”&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. My Grandfather Is Mobbed by Fans: </strong>My grandfather was an actor on a very well-known show in the ’60s. He still occasionally appears on movies or does interviews. He has a distinctive face, so people still come up to him for his autograph or to take a picture with him, etc. He is very gracious and hates to say no to these people. I moved to the same city as my grandpa last year. We’re very close, and we try to spend at least one evening a week together. I can’t remember spending a single evening in public with him where we haven’t been interrupted at least several times by his fans. Last night we had to stop and listen to 18 separate people gush about how much they love him. There was a line in front of our table, and we were in a small caf&eacute;! What can we do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Your grandfather obviously made an indelible impression on people, and it says something about how well he’s aged that he’s still instantly recognizable. If you live in either New York or L.A., I’m kind of surprised this is happening at nice restaurants. There is a kind of code there among natives that you just don’t bother the celebrities in your midst. In a restaurant in New York a few years ago I was a couple of tables over from Robert De Niro and Liam Neeson, and all the people there were so cool they pretended they couldn’t see them. (I did note when it was time to leave, De Niro shoved a cap low on his head, wrapped his face in a scarf, and turned up his collar, so he could walk the street unmolested.) I was in a restaurant in Santa Monica, California, when Elizabeth Taylor came in. That was the one time I saw a place fall silent because of a celebrity, but again, no one dared go to her table. You two need to frequent some regular places where you can get a booth in a far corner or Grandpa can sit with his back to the crowd. Make the acquaintance of the manager, and ask that he or she keep an eye on your table and gently steer away patrons seeking autographs. And check in with your grandfather about whether he finds all this adoration as annoying as you do.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Daughter Doesn’t Want to Visit Grandfather: </strong>My father is in his 80s and lives in an assisted-living home. He has always had an excellent relationship with his grandkids, including my daughter, age 13. My daughter is an early bloomer and very sensitive about her new body. She also looks much older than she is. A few weeks ago, when we were visiting my father, a few other male residents asked her to “come and give them a kiss” or “sit on their lap.” My daughter was mortified and now refuses to visit my father. We can pick him up and bring him to our house for a visit, which is what we did this past weekend. But part of me wishes my daughter could brush off these comments.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You are an adult woman who can easily brush off the creepy comments from old men who might not be fully in control of their faculties. But you are cruelly dismissive of what was a shocking and awful experience for your daughter. She’s a girl who is only just attracting the attention of men. To have your daughter be invited by old men to kiss them and sit on their laps should bring out the momma bear in you. Instead you expect her to have an understanding of senility and the ability to gracefully deflect these creepy invitations. Surely, your father enjoys an outing from his facility, so that’s how your daughter should visit him. And you should revisit your attitude toward protecting your girl and giving her helpful, empathetic lessons in empowering herself and being able to handle the many uncomfortable situations that will inevitably come her way.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Fifty Shades of Inappropriate: </strong>Sounds to me like the women in this office are just as much at fault as the boss. Since they all gushed about how much they liked the book, why wouldn’t they think his invitation was sincere? But if they thought it was inappropriate, they should have declined right away. You don’t have a right to complain about something after you do it.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I agree that unless he ordered them Christian Grey–style to obey, they were all adults who should have said, “Ah, boss, this is not going to happen.” But even if they were neglecting their duties to discuss the movie, the boss is an idiot for suggesting this outing. It sounds as if everyone in this office needs to be more focused on work—and keeping things professional.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Childhood Adoption: </strong>My husband and I have been married for seven years and had our first baby in April. Since before we were married we knew we wanted to adopt in addition to the children we would have biologically. My parents have mentored children in their community whose mothers have lost parental rights. I have spent a little time with these kids. One of them is an 8-year-old girl who is charming, sweet, funny, creative, and an overall joy to be around. She expresses appreciation and affection readily, and I brought up the idea of adopting her with my husband. My husband (who happens to be adopted) thinks that we aren’t quite ready to be parents of an older child yet since we are just getting used to parenting our daughter. We’ve decided to take a week to each think about it and then continue the discussion. I know I could really love this little girl and be a great mom for her and my husband would be a wonderful dad. Do you have any thoughts you could share? Do we have to be 100 percent ready to parent an 8-year-old? I’m 29 and he’s 33.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You are a generous-hearted young mother, but if you have to ask if you need to be 100 percent ready to become parents to an 8-year-old girl in the foster care system, then you are not ready. You seem to be rushing in to a romantic idea of rescuing this needy child without having thought through what taking her in would mean, or even assessing your own capacity to care for an infant and a child who is going to need special care given the terrible disruptions she has endured in her short life. Most young couples feel overwhelmed by the demands of that first baby. It’s great if you feel it’s been so easy that you could start the adoption process at about the time your baby is learning to walk. But I think you need to back off. If you and your husband have extra time and energy, start doing what your parents are doing and become mentors to foster children in your own community. Getting more intensely involved with these children—rather than just “a little time”—will be crucial for your eventual decision about whether you have the emotional, financial, and temporal resources to becomes parents to one.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Too Much Tongue: </strong>To the person who doesn’t like how her boyfriend kisses—my girlfriend had to break this news to me once. I felt embarrassed for a second, but she made it clear she still wanted to kiss me and would show me what she preferred. The practice was fun, romantic, and even silly. If its someone you really want to stay with, you WANT to know what they like, even if its a little embarrassing to hear at first. So definitely tell him and get to practicing.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thank you for this letter, and for showing that a real grown-up, after being abashed, will eagerly embrace the idea of remedial kissing lessons</p>
<p><strong>Q. I’m Infertile, She’s Pregnant: </strong>My husband and I are struggling with infertility, and our families know it. Yet, my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy at our housewarming party. Our party instantly became her party. As she basked in the warm spotlight of love and congratulations for the rest of the evening, I tried to maintain my composure as I cleared dishes and refilled drinks. No one in the family showed an ounce of sensitivity toward me in that situation. Now my other sister-in-law has suggested that I host a baby shower at my house for a 60-plus guest list. How can I rise above my jealousy over my sister-in-law’s pregnancy and my anger about the housewarming party? I feel like such a jerk for having these feelings at all. This just sucks.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I sometimes get on the case of people who are suffering from infertility—and I understand this is great suffering—who use this as an all-purpose excuse to behave abominably to those who are fortunate enough to have children. Lots of people are in pain, but that does not give carte blanche to mistreat others. However, here is a case of gross insensitivity on the part of your relatives; they are behaving shamefully. Your housewarming party was not the place for your sister-in-law to announce her good news. Sure, the whole family was there, but she knows you are struggling and she behaved badly. You really got dealt a lousy hand in the sister-in-law department, because now another one is asking you to host an out-of-control baby shower. This pair doesn’t deserve much consideration. Simply saying, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to find another host,” is all you need to say.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_daughter_wants_me_to_get_a_vasectomy.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Mon, 23 Feb 2015 19:59:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_male_boss_took_us_to_see_fifty_shades_of_grey.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-23T19:59:00ZPrudie advises a letter writer whose male boss took the women at work to see <em>Fifty Shades of Grey</em>.LifeHelp! My Male Boss Took All the Women in the Office to See
<em>Fifty Shades of Grey</em>.100150223008Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_male_boss_took_us_to_see_fifty_shades_of_grey.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40642710790013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_23_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_male_boss_took_us_to_see_fifty_shades_of_grey.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 23 Feb 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_23_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-23T17:00:00ZFor Feb. 23, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150218016adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_23_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeThe Real Issuehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_infertile_husband_wants_our_sperm_donor_to_remain_a_secret.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_23_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong><br /> My husband “Rob” and I have struggled for almost 10 years to have children and we are now in our late 30s. My husband only has a 5 percent chance of fathering a child. We are discussing artificial insemination by a sperm donor and&nbsp;Rob said he would want to pick a donor who looked like him and had similar intellectual strengths. He also wants to give his own sperm sample at the same time and have the samples mixed so that he can psychologically maintain the possibility that the child could be his biologically. When we asked the doctor if this idea was OK, he said no. He said he believes children have a right to information about their specific biological background. Unfortunately, Rob doesn’t want to proceed if we have to inform anyone that the child is not his, even though intellectually he understands that the real father is the one who raises the child. Here’s my dilemma: I could afford a few rounds of artificial insemination from another physician without Rob knowing about it. Do I do it and, if it works, let him believe that we hit the 5 percent jackpot? Or is this the kind of information that would ultimately get out and potentially explode our relationship and damage our parental relationship with the child? Please tell me straight up if I’m terrible for even thinking such a thing could work. &nbsp;</p>
<p>—Wanting a Baby</p>
<p>Dear Wanting,<br /> It’s fortunate we live in a world in which there are many options to treat fertility as well as a belief that openness about how people came to be is their right. According to <a href="http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/donor-options/using-donor-sperm.html">RESOLVE</a>, the national fertility organization, doctors are reluctant to mix sperm because they feel it indicates that the parents who ask for this have not psychologically dealt with their infertility. Even if it were permitted, adding a soupcon of his DNA to the donor’s sample doesn’t sound like a useful feint for your husband. He would forever be looking for signs that the baby has his nose, and eventually he’d probably be driven to want a DNA test. You two have to have deal with the psychological implications of a sperm donor before conception. If you believe you can personally circumvent that inevitability by sneaking off to a fertility clinic, choosing the sperm donor of your dreams, and committing fraud against your husband and child, you need to do a lot of self-analysis in a short time, because your window for medical intervention is closing. You and your husband should go to a RESOLVE support group together, or a psychologist who deals with infertility, to address your sense of loss at not being able to conceive a child together. I hope this leads you both to come to terms with what you are willing to do to become parents. And if after that you both still choose to use a sperm donor, your husband should strive to be like the fathers profiled in this <a href="http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-06-14-insemination-dads_x.htm">story</a>, who understand fatherhood really begins after the baby arrives.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My husband and his parents look nothing alike. We were married a few months ago and since they live in India, where he grew up, I had never seen them in person until a week before our wedding. When we picked them up from the airport, I was shocked! His facial features and body structure were completely different from theirs, especially his father. My husband is also much taller than both of them. I understand that genetics are unpredictable but a few other things make me wonder. One, he is an only child and mentioned that he believes his mother had several miscarriages during his childhood that were not talked about. Two, his parents are a bit on the older side. Three, he looks exactly like his maternal aunt and their daughters and is tall like her husband (6-foot-2). I’m pretty sure that his aunt and uncle are his real parents and my parents and siblings even approached me about it after the wedding asking if he was adopted. My husband adores his parents and maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but I can’t help being curious! Should I let it go or ask him what he thinks?</p>
<p>—Curious Daughter-in-Law</p>
<p>Dear Curious,<br /> We all know how thorny and fraught the issue of parentage can be—just check out the first letter. But for you, your husband’s biological origins seem only to be a matter of kicky curiosity. What do you plan on saying to him? “Sweetheart, have you ever noticed that your parents aren’t your biological parents? It frankly couldn’t be more obvious. My whole family was laughing about it at the wedding. They thought you were adopted. But clearly your aunt and uncle did your infertile parents a favor and secretly had you and handed your over to the people you think of as your parents. Your so-called folks are really nice people, so I don’t mind. But when we have our own kids, we probably should clarify this, at the very least for genetic purposes, don’t you think?” Or you could go the dropping subtle hints route. “Wow, your uncle is so tall. Isn’t he 6-foot-2 <em>just like you</em>? And your parents are both short. What are the odds that you would more resemble an uncle who married into the family than your own father? Kinda crazy, huh?” You need to comprehensively drop this. If your family brings up their speculations to you, shut them down. Your have met your in-laws, so trying to play chromosomal Sherlock will at this point only undermine your husband’s love for you. Of course the scenario you lay out is plausible. There are endless examples of secret progenitors. And I also think people are entitled to know their own personal histories. But if you proceed to scratch the itch of your own curiosity, you will be making painful and embarrassing allegations about all concerned. If you are happy in your new marriage, cut off this speculation and be glad your mother and father-in-law have so warmly embraced you.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> More than two decades ago I was a naive 18-year-old who married an extremely sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive man 13 years my senior. After 12 years of hell I escaped with my&nbsp;children (who are now in their teens). It was a difficult journey, but today I am married to a wonderful, successful man and we’ve been together for&nbsp;six years.&nbsp;Here’s my problem: My 76-year-old ex-mother-in-law just emailed me threatening to release to my family a video of me taken by my ex-husband 18 years ago&nbsp;showing me with another woman. I question the existence of such a clip, but&nbsp;because I spent much of my marriage inebriated in order to cope&nbsp;it is possible it exists. I’m not concerned about this having any risk to my marriage, but&nbsp;I haven’t mentioned this to my husband yet with the hopes of having an action plan in place first. If the video does exist my ex likely&nbsp;gave it to her when I first left him 10 years ago.&nbsp;I suspect my pressuring him into getting a job (he’s been jobless by choice&nbsp;for years) to pay for thousands of dollars owed in child support has triggered her actions.&nbsp;I don’t even know if my ex even knows about my mother-in-law’s threat. Please, what do I do?</p>
<p>—Is It on Tape?</p>
<p>Dear Is,<br /> First of all, calm down, because I’m betting there is no tape. Maybe your ex once mentioned to his mother—in laying out his case that you were an unfit mother—that he made such a tape of you. The fact that he would do this, then use it as evidence against you to his mother, and that she would now threaten you with a nearly two-decade-old dirty movie shows that they are both unfit as human beings. I think you should not respond to her in any way. I expect your silence will be met with a resounding non-appearance of said “video bomb.” If, by some unlikely chance, your mother-in-law does have this mythical clip, and she sends it to your kids, just imagine their reaction when they get an eyeful of about two seconds of it: “Eww, gross! Grandma is sick!” But again, I don’t think it will ever come to that. You need to tell your husband. You crawled out of hell, and this beacon of decency is going to support you. It might be worth it for the two of you to discuss your options with a lawyer and put your mind at ease. But the supposed evidence of your experimental days is about as likely to show up as is the back payment for child support—that is, not likely at all.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My husband empties his nose into the sink or into the shower by simply blowing with water. I cannot stand the sound. Every morning and night I hear it, and it is very loud. He also makes loud sounds every morning and night when defecating. It’s like he has diarrhea every day. When he comes to bed after this I am completely grossed out&nbsp;and it has killed our sex life. What should I do?</p>
<p>—Disgusted</p>
<p>Dear Disgusted,<br /> I guess the book about your marriage would be called <em>Fifty Shades of Brown</em>. I hope when your husband empties his nose, he keeps the water running so his effluvia is whisked down the drain. Since you don’t say otherwise, I assume when he defecates it is in the toilet. There’s not much more that you can ask of someone as far as that process of elimination is concerned. Maybe you are one of those people who does not produce mucous or feces, but I’ve read both <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1929132824/?tag=slatmaga-20"><em>The Holes in Your Nose</em></a><em> </em>and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/192913214X/?tag=slatmaga-20"><em>Everyone Poops</em></a>—both volumes I highly recommend for you—so that couldn’t be true. The solution seems to be that when your husband is performing his ablutions, you make sure you’re in another room. If you’re in another room when he’s having a bowel movement, unless you are truly concerned there is something wrong with his gastrointestinal system and you want to urge him to get a checkup, I suggest you just accept that this is something human beings do. If the fact that your husband has bodily functions means you can’t be sexually aroused by him, then, as a wife, you’re full of crap.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_was_raped_by_my_boyfriend_s_friend_but_i_m_afraid_my_boyfriend.html">His Crime, My Punishment</a>: I was raped by my boyfriend’s friend. Now I’m afraid my boyfriend will leave me if I tell him.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_friend_may_have_uploaded_revenge_porn_of_his_ex.html">Unwilling Amateur</a>: My friend may have uploaded a sex video of his ex. Should I tell her?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_i_m_being_stalked_by_the_man_who_saw_me_through_a_.html">While I Was Sleeping</a>: A friend nursed me through serious illness—and now he won’t leave me alone.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_child_has_a_high_iq_and_it_worries_me.html">A Too-Beautiful Mind</a>: My 4-year-old just scored high on an IQ test. Is she doomed to a life of high expectations?”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_accidentally_insulted_a_co_worker_oops.html">Despicable Me</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman mortified after accidentally insulting a colleague.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_can_t_stand_my_having_sex_with_her_son.html">Thou Shalt Not Sleep With My Son</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman who receives death stares from her mother-in-law the morning after sex.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudie_my_daughter_got_pregnant_at_her_friend_s_party_and_now_the_owners.html">Three Families and a Baby</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man whose daughter got pregnant at a house party and wants the owners to chip in.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_future_sister_in_law_wants_us_to_delay_the_wedding_until.html">Boob Delay</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose fianc&eacute; wants to schedule their wedding around his sister's breast augmentation.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 19 Feb 2015 15:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_infertile_husband_wants_our_sperm_donor_to_remain_a_secret.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-19T15:00:00ZMy husband is infertile, but he’ll only allow a sperm donor if we keep it secret.LifeHelp! My Husband Is Infertile, but He’ll Only Allow a Sperm Donor if We Keep It a Secret.100150218019Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_infertile_husband_wants_our_sperm_donor_to_remain_a_secret.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40642710790013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeMiserly Relativeshttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_miserly_relatives.html
<p>In this week's video, Prudie counsels a woman about the fiscal politics of children’s birthday parties.</p>
<p>&shy;</p>Wed, 18 Feb 2015 23:36:13 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_miserly_relatives.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-18T23:36:13ZPrudie counsels a woman expected to pay her way at her brother’s child’s birthday party.VideoHelp! My Brother Expects Me to Pay to Attend His Kid’s Birthday Party.100150218018Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_miserly_relatives.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t406427107900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40642710790013926365990001Sinking Feelinghttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_i_don_t_swim_with_my_kids_in_public_because_of_my_body_issues.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Wear a Bathing Suit for the Kids’ Sake?: </strong>I have little kids who enjoy swimming at the local Y in our small town. My husband swims with them, but I don’t because I don’t like being in a swimsuit in front of my friends and co-workers. I am quite young but I have hirsutism, a C-section pouch, and am severely overweight. I am otherwise not socially retiring, and I’m happy to work out in the gym in a T-shirt and sweatpants, but I never wear tight or revealing clothes. I am not able to afford cosmetic treatments that would alter my appearance. My husband says I should get over it and come swim with my kids so they don’t develop the same body image issues themselves that I have. I haven’t told my kids the reasons for my discomfort, only that there are fun things they do with Dad and other things they do with Mom (which is true for other activities too). What do you think? Do I owe this to my kids, given how much pain and professional embarrassment it would cause me?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Rock the T-shirt and sweats, Mom. You are not a swimming fan and you are particularly not a swimsuit fan—is anyone except the people who appear in the <em>Sports Illustrated </em>swimsuit issue or the people who buy the swimsuit issue? Is your husband hassling you because he doesn’t want to do pool duty? Too bad. I agree that even if you looked like <em>SI</em>&nbsp;model Gigi Hadid, you’d have a right to say, “I don’t do swim time. That’s for you, dear.” You mention another complication in that at your pool you will inevitably run into neighbors and co-workers. These are people about whom you don’t want the indelible memory of them in a Speedo, and who you’d rightly prefer not gaze on you in a state of dishabille.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Am I My Sister’s Keeper?: </strong>I recently reconnected with my estranged sister after I graduated college and am now racked with guilt. Our childhood was unstable at best, with our mother flinging us from one fringe movement to another. Finally when we were in high school, my aunt and uncle took us and my infant brother in. It was heaven for me and hell for my sister. She went berserk—running away, hitting people, biting me one time, and finally pushing my 10-year-old cousin down the stairs. She went into foster care, and my aunt and uncle adopted me and my little brother. Recently I got a friend request from her. We meet for lunch, and she told me that the wreck of her life was my fault for abandoning her. Sexual abuse, drugs, prison—everything I ever feared for her happened. I gave her $200. I have avoided calls from my aunt and uncle because I don’t know what to say to them. My sister wants to crash on my couch since her boyfriend is in jail. I can’t sleep and don’t know what to do. Please help.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You did not cause the wreck of your sister’s life. Say that over and over again. You were all children in terrible circumstances who were rescued by loving relatives. An aunt and uncle who would take in a trio of children are surely compassionate people, and it must have been agony for them to let your sister go. But it sounds as if she presented a clear danger to the other children in the house, and the situation was untenable. Some people, tragically, can’t be helped. For them a toxic combination of genes and circumstances leads them to constantly blow up their lives. It’s a bad sign that in trying to connect with you she offered you a guilt trip, asked for money, and now wants to become your tenant. I don’t think you can let her stay on the couch. You will likely find your place taken over by her less-than-desirable friends, and you might also find your cash and valuables start to go missing. You can offer to put your sister in touch with social service agencies (which surely isn’t what she wants) and even meet her in a neutral place—as long as you don’t feel threatened by her. You can have compassion for this lost soul while recognizing you must protect yourself.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Wear a Bathing Suit for the Kids’ Sake?: </strong>I disagree. I am self-conscious at the pool too but I think you will likely be surprised by the myriad of sizes and shapes of others’ bodies at the pool. While you’re in the water playing with your children, no one can see your body anyway. Please don’t let Daddy have all the fun and pass down your insecurities to your children. If they’re skinny, will they pick up on the fact that only skinny people are allowed to show their bodies?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I don’t think the fact that she gives swim duty to Dad is going to mean she is expressing to them that only skinny people get to swim—they will see that’s not true. She also doesn’t have to tell her children, “Kids, I’m hirsute, I also have an unsightly C-section pouch—thanks, kids!—and you may have noticed that I’m obese. So that’s why I hate bathing suits.” She’s just a mom who doesn’t like swimming. Sometimes one parent loves skiing and the other hates it, etc., but that is not going to pass a slalom insecurity to the kids. Dad’s all wet if he keeps harassing her about this.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Regretting Nicknames: </strong>I have a co-worker who’s, well, a bit of a diva (she expects the secretaries to do stuff the rest of us do for ourselves, that sort of thing) though fundamentally a good person. My best friend (who also works in the office) and I share privately some not-very-nice nicknames for her, based on this quality. Lately, however, the diva and I have been spending more time together, and I think might be moving in the direction of dating. She’s a sensitive person and would be devastated if she knew the things I’ve said about her. Is it feasible to just lie to her, forever, about the way I’ve thought about her all this time, or is a relationship just a nonstarter here? She was just promoted to the same level as me, so I’m not concerned about workplace ethics issues.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I think it’s a nonstarter to say, “I find myself increasingly attracted to you and would like to move things to a more personal level. I just want you to know that in the coffee room I regularly referred to you with our other colleagues as Lady Gaga and Debbie Diva because—well, you get why I would call you that!” I think you don’t say anything and just see how this progresses. If you two become a couple and the people you teased her with raise their eyebrows, you can say, “Actually, I was wrong, she’s a lovely person.” If she hears—and someone would have to be really malicious to pass that on, but offices have malicious people—then you take the hit. “It’s true that before I got to know you I thought you sometimes acted imperious with the support staff.” If that’s going to cause her to crumble, consider the consequences of getting together with someone so delicate.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Play Season Again: </strong>I live in a great house that I’ve been renting for two years. Everything is wonderful, but my backyard is right next door to a private school’s outdoor stage. I find the normal squeals of children playing sweet. However, every spring they put on a musical with pretaped music, which they practice for two to three hours after school. They use their PA system to practice the lines and play the music over and over... and over, loud enough that it shakes our house. There is no reason that the small group needs to use the PA system at all for practicing, much less play the music that loudly. They clearly have no respect for the neighborhood they are just feet away from. As I write this, I am listening to “Kung Fu Fighting” for the 20<sup>th</sup> time and it is only the first week of practice. I can’t see how asking this $15,000-a-semester private school to turn it down would lead to anything positive, probably only a snotty response about how we shouldn’t rent next to them if we can’t handle the noise. They already know how much noise they’re making and how close our houses are. It is during the day, so I doubt that the police would even come. I am at wits’ end. I don’t think I can make it through another “play season” without playing 2 Live Crew on my porch.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I disagree with you about the snotty reaction you’re expecting. Any school, especially a private one, has to be sensitive to the disruption it causes neighbors. I’ve seen this play out with parking, drop-off, noise, and almost always the school needs to make an accommodation. First, record the sonic boom. Second, talk to other neighbors who are home during the day and are also being driven mad. Then make an appointment with the head of school and say you work at home but you can’t work when they’re rehearsing their spring musical. Let’s hope this gets an immediate response. If not, notify your landlord and escalate to the police and the local representatives responsible for your district.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Regretting Nicknames: </strong>I hope he also gently tells her to treat the support staff better.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Great point! Yes!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Money for Car Repair: </strong>My neighbor reversed into my car and caused a minor damage. I got the quote to fix it and he says it’s not worth going through insurance, so he is paying me directly. My car is old and I don’t care about having it repaired, but I could do with the money. Would it be dishonest if I took the repair money but used it to pay some of the balance on my credit card? He does owe me for repairs anyway.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Yes, he does owe you for the damage to your car and you can use the money from the damage he caused to fix the damage you’ve done to your credit score. If you would prefer not the fix the car then sell it later at a discount because of the damage done to it, that’s your choice. Let’s hope the neighbor never says anything about the lack of repair and does a better job looking both ways.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Professional Courtesy: </strong>I work in a two-person department with a great supervisor who showed me tremendous support while my mother battled and ultimately succumbed to cancer. The company we work for, on the other hand, is completely stagnating in a culture of negativity that comes straight from the CEO. Last week I received a job offer from a forward-thinking firm that is growing by leaps and bounds. The same day I submitted my application, my current supervisor confided that she has been diagnosed with cancer. I thought about it over the weekend and came to the conclusion that I cannot possibly abandon her in this time of need. My departure would be a blow under the best circumstances, and would cause tremendous stress on top of the illness she’s facing. Am I crazy to pass up this new opportunity to stay onboard a sinking ship?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I may be exposing my cold or nonexistent heart, but I think you need to go. Your boss has been wonderful to you, but whatever anyone’s personal circumstances, your primary relationship with her is professional. I don’t see how you pass up this chance for a new career trajectory in order to see your boss through her treatment. You can separate out your personal affection for her—and your desire to help—from your professional needs. In a way, when you are no longer her subordinate, you can act as a friend, helping to organize dinners for her, getting people together to run errands, etc., if she’s unable to work during her treatment. Once you accept the new job, you need to break the news in a sensitive but nondefensive way. Explain that while you won’t be seeing her during the day, you want to continue to be part of her life.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Wear a Bathing Suit for the Kids’ Sake?: </strong>For years I refused to wear a bathing suit in public. This changed when I had grandchildren. If I wanted to go to the water park or beach with them, I had to appear in public. I found a retailer that specialized in swim suits that minimized various types of body issues and found a couple of suits I didn’t hate. Then I took the plunge. The fun I had with my grandchildren made me forget that I didn’t like what I looked like. I also saw people who were more overweight than I and appeared unconcerned. Go and have fun. No one else cares, really.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This is a lovely answer to the question, and yes, the original letter writer could get fitted at a specialty shop. But if she wants to carve out a “no bathing suit” zone in her life, I don’t think that means she has profound body shame issues that need addressing or that her boycott will destroy her children’s self-image.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next Monday!</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_husband_s_friend_drew_a_penis_on_our_wedding_guestbook.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Wed, 18 Feb 2015 17:03:37 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_i_don_t_swim_with_my_kids_in_public_because_of_my_body_issues.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-18T17:03:37ZPrudie counsels a woman who won’t swim with her kids because of body issues.LifeHelp! I Don’t Swim With My Kids Because of My Body Issues.100150218007Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_i_don_t_swim_with_my_kids_in_public_because_of_my_body_issues.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40403085770013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeSurprise Packagehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_husband_s_friend_drew_a_penis_on_our_wedding_guestbook.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Guestbook Caricature: </strong>At my recent wedding, we had our guests sign a matte surrounding a picture of us getting married that I had intended to hang in a prominent place in our home. Unfortunately, a friend of my husband’s chose to celebrate the occasion by depicting a very crude rendering of male genitalia on the matte. I was extremely upset upon seeing the final result. My husband agrees that it was in poor taste but isn’t willing to bring it up to his friend because there is really nothing that can be done at this point. I can’t now hang it in my home. Should I bring it up to his friend and let him know how much it hurt my feelings? I certainly don’t want him to think what he did was funny or have him do it again to another bride. My husband says it is OK if I want to bring it up, since my feelings were hurt and he will support me, but he will not broach the topic on his own. In order to continue to socialize with this person, I feel I need to clear the air.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I totally understand your reaction, but if a crude (possibly drunk) friend of my husband’s had done that to a matte I wanted to hang in my house, I would have found it hilarious and hung the illustration of being hung in a prominent place. It would be a kind of <em>Where’s Waldo</em> wedding photo. Before you slip into despair, check with an excellent framing place about what can be done. I would be surprised if there wasn’t some kind of cosmetic fix that would be able to largely eradicate this graffito. If so, fix it and move on. I suppose if you confront him and say how hurt you were by his penis drawing, he would hang his head in shame. But without further evidence, I’m not convinced this guy is a serial penis-drawer, committed to offending brides. If you can’t fix it and you can’t let it go, you can always say, “Hey, Peter, it’s good you kept your day job and didn’t go into cartooning.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Family Kept Dangerous Secret: </strong>My sister rides a motorcycle, which my preteen daughter showed an interest in. I clearly told them both that my daughter was never to ride. Last week, they were looking for something, and it was suggested that it might be in my daughter’s motorcycle jacket! They both realized the slip immediately. It turned out that they had been riding together for months, nearly every time my daughter stayed with her. Worse, my parents knew, since my sister and daughter rode the motorcycle to their house. It turns out that they all swore to secrecy. I am so hurt that my family did this to me. Obviously my daughter will never be alone with any of them from now on, but now she hates me and says she wishes her aunt were her mother. I want my sister to tell my daughter that what they did was wrong and dangerous. I want my parents to tell my daughter that they were wrong to keep such a secret from me. Short of that, I might just cut them off completely. Is that reasonable, and if so, how should I deliver such an ultimatum?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>How thrilling to have a motorcycle-riding aunt and to be able to climb on back, wearing your own motorcycle jacket! I also share your freakout at the idea of your child secretly zooming around town on a motorcycle and your justifiable anger at them deliberately defying your express wishes. You said no to the motorcycle, so they set your daughter against you—and no sniveling safety-minded mom is going to win that contest. However, I don’t think you should go nuclear and cut off relations. I hope you are all reasonable enough people that you can sit together and hash this out. They need to see their violation, and perhaps you need to consider that there are contained circumstances in which you’d allow your daughter to ride with her aunt. This is something a mediator—hired for a few sessions—could facilitate if all of you are too angry to talk. I’m a chicken and a safety freak, so I’m with you, Mom. But there’s something about this girl swaggering on the road with her auntie that sounds amazing.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Jail Bro: </strong>My brother just got sentenced to three years to five years in prison. It has of course been very difficult on my family. Now I am wondering what to tell people when they ask after him. I think this is his business, and I don’t want to spread it around. However, three-to-five years is a long time to make excuses. How can I answer people asking after him without telling them what is actually going on?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Yes, several years is a long time for someone to be “traveling” or “working on a project” or “incommunicado.” I think you should ask your brother. Maybe he’ll tell you to tell people the truth, or he’ll leave it up to you to decide who to tell. You are talking about discussing this not with strangers, but with people who clearly know your family and for whom it would be normal to ask about your sibling. Perhaps say something simple: “I’m sad to say Dick was convicted of fraud, and he’s incarcerated now. As you can imagine this has been very painful for all of us, so I’d rather not discuss it further.”&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Pay Discrimination: </strong>A couple of weeks ago, I went out to happy hour with some of my co-workers. We work for a smaller engineering company. When I took the job three years ago, I had been working for a year for a larger chemical company, so I wasn’t surprised that the offer with the new company wasn’t that high. I just assumed that it was due to cost of living differences and the fact that it was a smaller company. At this happy hour there was a mix of men and women, and the topic of salary came up. I overheard this discussion from people at the company who both just graduated last spring with the same engineering degree. Turns out, one of them makes about 75 percent of what the other one makes, even though they had the same credentials when they were offered the job, except that one is a man and the other is the woman. The woman is the one who makes less. As the conversation went on, I realized that this gentleman only makes about $2,000 a year less than me, a woman with a master’s degree that he doesn’t have. Do you have any advice on how to bring this up with superiors at my company?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This could be a function of pure sexism. It could also be function of the well-noted tendency for women to take the offer (as you did, even though you found it inadequate) and for men to consider it a starting point for negotiation. Maybe the guy with fewer credentials than you, instead of saying to himself, “Well, the cost of living isn’t that high here,” said to the bosses that he needed several thousand more than the offer, and he got it. What you don’t do is go to the bosses and say that happy hour turned into unhappy hour when you learned women were being underpaid. Use this information to go in, describe what you’ve accomplished for the company, your skills, and what you would like to do for them in the future. Then you ask for more compensation. If you get it, keep doing it at regular intervals. Let’s hope you can close that gap. I know readers will suggest lawsuits or say that women get punished for asking for more money. But first, you have to ask for more money. You might be pleasantly surprised.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Wife’s Weight: </strong>When I met my wife, she was a size 2. What I loved was her ability to “tuck in” at a meal and never worry about her weight. Turns out that ability was due to an autoimmune disorder, and now her doctor has her on steroids. My wife’s weight ballooned from a 2 to a 14, and I love it! She has “all the right curves in all the right places.” Unfortunately, her doctor wants her to lose weight, so she joined Weight Watchers and now harps on “points” and analyzes every meal. Last week I brought her chocolates for Valentine’s Day, and she accused me of sabotaging her diet. I am. I don’t want her to lose the weight. I think she looks better this way, and I miss my wife who would just eat what she wanted. Should I support her or keep trying to lure her to the dark side? (We have cookies.)</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>What a lovely gift. She’s trying to lose weight under doctor’s orders and instead of giving her flowers for Valentine’s Day, you give her 10,000 calories. If someone is being treated with steroids, it is a real struggle to keep the weight off. Your wife has a significant medical condition, which doesn’t matter to you. What matters is you like her new chest and hips. If the only thing that attracted you to your wife was her trencherman appetite, then you two need to consider the basis of this marriage. You’re seriously asking me whether you should support her or undermine her efforts to stay healthy. I hope you can answer that yourself, and I hope she could list at least a couple of things that made her want to marry you.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Guestbook Caricature: </strong>Get some one with artistic ability to paint flowers, butterflies or something over offending drawing and scattered flowers and butterflies in other areas of the matte.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Penis butterflies, great idea! I agree that there is this or some other fix available. And if you go with butterflies, you can always tell your friend, “I appreciate the pupa you drew on the matte. I didn’t know what an insect lover you were!”&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Pay Discrimination: </strong>Be careful of how you approach this! My company has a policy of forbidding people to discuss pay, and you can get written up or punished if it’s found out. I found out by accident that a person in my department was getting paid more than me. I put together a presentation showing why I deserved a raise and got it without mentioning the other person’s pay.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Exactly. As I mentioned, she doesn’t reveal how revealing happy hour was. She just uses this information to make her own case for herself.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. BDSM/Sexuality: </strong>I am in a loving, fulfilling, healthy marriage with a man I deeply respect. We also happen to practice BDSM, which, until recently, was a relatively unpublicized fetish lifestyle. Now that a certain book series and movie have unfairly portrayed the lifestyle and made the topic mainstream, everyone seems to be weighing in, including my family members. My mother, in particular, keeps posting articles to social media—written by various mental health professionals—saying that BDSM is equivalent to domestic and verbal abuse and that anyone in a dominant/submissive relationship should seek help immediately. My question is: Is there ever an appropriate time or situation for me to say to close family members that I am living proof a BDSM relationship can be healthy and fulfilling, or should I keep quiet and let others think what they’re going to think about the lifestyle?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Of course people’s minds get changed about subjects like this by learning from loved ones what it means to be gay, for example, or in your case, to love BDSM. But once you reveal your personal sexual predilections, the image of you whipping your husband, or him handcuffing you, is going to be hard to get out of the minds of your family members. This is your call. But instead of making it personal, you could get into dueling Facebook feeds with your mother, posting stories that say that BDSM is one of the eternal human sexual variations, and when done by carefully consenting adults, there’s nothing abusive about it.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Pay Discrimination: </strong>Under the National Labor Relations Act of 1935, it is illegal for employers to discourage their employees from discussing pay! Six other states have additional laws on the books that further protect the right to discuss your pay with co-workers.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for the clarification. Here’s an <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/07/when-the-boss-says-dont-tell-your-coworkers-how-much-you-get-paid/374467/"><em>Atlantic</em> article</a> about this issue. However, as a matter of making the best case for herself, she should not mention the enlightening conversation; she should simply act on the intelligence.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Too Soon to Quit?: </strong>I’m in my early 30s, and I recently left my successful career at one of the largest companies in my field due to burnout. I was highly respected among my peers in the industry and had a lot of freedom at work, but the pressure was too much. I recently accepted a job at a small company in the suburbs thinking I would enjoy the peace and quiet. Boy was I wrong! My breaks are strictly held to state-mandated minimums, I’m watched all day, my boss rewrites most of my work, and I’ve been belittled to the point of tears. Co-workers admit he’s a jerk and told me to get used to it. Is three months too soon to quit a new job? This place is making me miss the corporate rat race! I feel guilty about not giving it a fair shot, but I can’t take it anymore!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It sounds as if you need to leave for your mental health, and you have the wherewithal to do it. Go!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Guestbook Caricature: </strong>My ex-boyfriend wrote “Tupac” on a similar wedding guestbook—the couple in question took it in stride and frequently point it out to guests in their home. Moral of the story: Don’t use this guestbook approach if your guests are ever the kind of people who would deface the photo in ways you can’t laugh about later.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Love it! Thanks.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_i_don_t_swim_with_my_kids_in_public_because_of_my_body_issues.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>Tue, 17 Feb 2015 20:03:36 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_husband_s_friend_drew_a_penis_on_our_wedding_guestbook.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-17T20:03:36ZPrudie advises a woman horrified that her husband’s friend drew a penis on their wedding guestbook.LifeHelp! My Husband’s Friend Drew Male Genitalia on our Wedding Guestbook.100150217009Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_husband_s_friend_drew_a_penis_on_our_wedding_guestbook.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40403085770013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_17_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.&nbsp;</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_husband_s_friend_drew_a_penis_on_our_wedding_guestbook.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Tue, 17 Feb 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_17_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-17T17:00:00ZFor Feb. 17, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150211013adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_17_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeTainted Valentinehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_thought_i_was_stealing_from_him.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers <strong>next Tuesday </strong>at noon. </em><a href="http://slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_17_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and I thought it was going well. I thought we were utterly trusting of each other. A few days ago, he sat me down and began to apologize profusely, and informed me that he had been suspecting me of stealing money from him. He explained that for some months he had been noticing increments of his cash was missing, and that his best friend Corey had told him the culprit was probably me. I was floored! Then he caught Corey in the act of sliding a wad of bills from my boyfriend’s emergency stash, and the truth was out. My boyfriend said he wasn’t sure about what Corey had been saying, but that he’d been subtly steering me away from situations where I’d have access to his cash, and that he’d mentioned several times that he thought he’d had more money in his wallet just to gauge my reaction. I didn’t notice at all! He apologized his heart out for not trusting me. I’m really hurt and now I’m wondering how I can trust him, knowing that he didn’t trust me?</p>
<p>—Guilty Until Proven Innocent</p>
<p>Dear Guilty,<br /> I have a Valentine’s Day gift suggestion for you! Wrap up a copy of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0031O473I/?tag=slatmaga-20"><em>Othello</em></a>, and then you and your beloved together watch this tale of murderous manipulation and betrayal. It’s a recurring theme in Shakespeare for an evildoer to whisper lies to one character about someone that character loves and trusts. The person hearing the lies then believes the manipulator, and tragedy is soon to follow. I know it would make the plays shorter and not necessarily better, but I find myself wanting to call out something like, “Othello, just say to Desdemona, ‘Des, honey, Iago told me thou art having an affair. What’s up with that?’ ” It is indeed too bad that upon hearing these vile lies from your boyfriend’s own Iago, he didn’t come to you immediately. He could have explained that Corey had told him something awful he found impossible to believe, and he had to let you know. Together you might have easily figured out what was really going on. Yes, it’s bad that he was so willing to doubt you. But give him some credit for baring his easily-deceived soul—even if an arguably wiser course would have been to keep silent about what a sap he’d been. His apology is abject and sincere. Of course you are hurt and shaken, and getting over this is going to take time. You two need to talk about this, but not dwell on it. If you want this relationship to go on, all he can do is slowly regain your trust.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong><br /> I am a mid-30s lady in a relationship that is the definition of “good enough.” My guy is a loving, supportive, committed dude who wants a future and children with me. I just don’t feel a spark with him.&nbsp;I do have tremendous affection for him as a wonderful, lovable person. I want the best for him, I respect him deeply, we&nbsp;work together as a couple companionably and effectively. We would have a great life together based on good communication and shared values. But I feel a bit lonely now and again and rely on my best friends for the zing that isn’t there in my relationship. I very much want children and there are no guarantees about finding another gem to have them with in my short child-bearing window. Is that connection, that passion, a thing of pop culture? Is what we have enough to make a marriage?&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Decision Time</p>
<p>Dear Decision,<br /> Let’s see, what you’ve got with your man is affection, communication, love, respect, shared values, support, and a belief he would be a great husband and father. How could you possibly build a marriage on that? You don’t define “spark,” but since you don’t specifically say your diamond is a lump of coal in bed, I don’t think you’re talking about sexual incompatibility. But you do find a kind of fizzy connection with your friends that you don’t have with your significant other. Sure, it’s spectacular when one’s spouse is able to be that singular person for you. But you’ve already solved the problem of recognizing that sometimes one person can’t be everything, and that for you, friends provide a delightful sense of connection that doesn’t endanger your central relationship. Since you want children, I’m betting that if you have them with your Mr. Wonderful, not only will they bring zing to your life, you will look around and be ever so grateful you’re raising them with such a rock-solid partner.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I’m an ugly man in my mid-20s. I try to date but my response rates are very poor and my dates never turn into anything. I’ve been on one second date in my entire life. I have done almost everything within my power to make myself desirable, but I am still alone. I developed talents by learning to play a couple of instruments, I became fit and cleaned up my diet, I have a successful career, I cook, and I dress very well. All good things and I don’t regret them; however, I am still remarkably unsuccessful at dating. I feel mostly happy with my life, but I physically ache for the love and affection that comes with being in a romantic relationship. I am able to afford plastic surgery. Should I spend money on it? Should I work to accept that I am one of those people who will never be with someone and focus more on my mostly wonderful life? Should I keep picking myself up and trying over and over again and deal with the despondency and depression that comes with the endless rejection?&nbsp;</p>
<p>—No Second Date</p>
<p>Dear No,<br /> I wish you’d clarified what you mean by ugly. If you have an actual facial deformity, by all means turn to the medical profession to solve a medical problem. But if you’re just disappointed by what you see in the mirror, so&nbsp;what if you’re not Channing Tatum?&nbsp;There are plenty of women who would go for the guys on this list of <a href="http://www.boxofficescoop.com/ten-successful-actors-who-arent-very-attractive/">“actors who aren’t very attractive”</a> (I’m winking at you, Paul Giamatti). A man who is happy in his career, who is seeking a committed relationship (and who cooks and can serenade), should have had many second dates. I doubt the problem is your looks, so going under the knife for cosmetic reasons will just leave you a lonely, different-looking version of yourself. So you need to figure out what’s really going wrong. I suggest you start by asking your friends. This goes under the “please be brutally honest” category. Tell them you are doing something to turn off women, and you don’t know what it is, but they might. I’m also going to suggest you see a therapist for a kind of social evaluation. It may be, for example, that you fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. Sometimes people who consistently fail to connect interpersonally are missing and misreading social cues. Whatever the cause of your dating distress, if there’s something diagnosable going on, it will be a relief to find out what, learn more, and get help. You are good at evaluating yourself and making changes. I am confident that with more information, you can apply this skill to looking for a partner who will understand and appreciate you—and find you beautiful in your own way.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> I’m married to a wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny woman. The only issue is that she doesn’t seem to know that she is all of those things, and so much more. I try to go out of my way to make her feel special, to compliment her without being phony, and convey my feelings about how perfect she is for me. But she shrugs it off, or gives a perfunctory “thanks.” She’ll say things like “I don’t know why you love me,” or “What do you even see in me?” Apparently, I don’t have the right answers, because no matter my attempt at an honest or heartfelt response, she keeps on asking some variation of those questions.&nbsp;The problem is after years of her asking me why I married her, I find that I’m asking myself asking the same question. This isn’t something worth ending a marriage over, but I either need to get a better answer or find a way for her to stop asking the question.&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Guy Without All the Answers</p>
<p>Dear Guy,<br /> Oh, the dreariness of having to prop up your perfect spouse with a constant stream of reassurance so she can tell you how wrong you are. In addition to being all the things you describe, she’s also persuasive, because you are finally coming around to her view that she’s not worth being with. Your dynamic is that she feels terrible, you slop her with meaningless compliments, and she rejects them. Forget telling how fabulous she is. That kind of blanket bucking-up is annoying and counterproductive. Next time she asks, “What do you even see in me?” offer a change up by replying, “Can I get back to you on that?” When the questions keep coming, refuse to engage in this two-step. Tell her no matter what you reply, she’s never satisfied, so you want to stop. This adjustment in your behavior should pull her up short and even spark some actually productive discussion. If she continues to see your role as filling the bottomless hole in her sense of self, you need to explain that you can’t do that. Suggest that talking this out with someone who’s trained (and paid) to answer her questions might finally free her from needing to ask them.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_wife_no_longer_likes_sex_after_cancer_treatment_so_i_cheated.html">Desperate Liaisons</a>: My wife hasn't wanted sex since her mastectomy. So I ended up sleeping with a man.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_father_won_t_make_a_will.html">No Will, No Way</a>: My father refuses to plan his estate. Is he just being selfish?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_missed_out_on_everything_by_having_a_kid.html">Wonder Years</a>: I’m 28 and love my daughter. But shouldn't I be having more fun at this age?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_father_gave_himself_lung_cancer_by_smoking_he_deserves.html">Dying Light</a>: Lung cancer is killing my father, but I’ll never forgive him for smoking.”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudie_my_friend_s_laugh_is_awful_can_i_tell_her.html">You’re Such a Riot</a>: In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on how to tell a friend she has an annoying laugh.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_get_pregnant_but_i_am.html">A Little Bundle of Fear</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman terrified by what her husband will do when he finds out she’s pregnant.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_i_m_gay_i_m_married_and_my_husband_wasn_t_invited_to_a_family.html">Keeping Things Straight</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a man whose husband wasn’t invited to a family wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_son_s_public_school_teacher_proselytizes_her_christianity.html">One Classroom Under God</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a parent whose children feel pressured at school to become Christian.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 12 Feb 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_thought_i_was_stealing_from_him.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-12T11:00:00ZSomeone told my boyfriend I was stealing from him—and he believed it.LifeHelp! Someone Told My Boyfriend I Was Stealing From Him, and He Believed It.100150211014Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_thought_i_was_stealing_from_him.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40403085770013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeMale Pattern Crazinesshttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_male_pattern_craziness.html
<p>In this week's video, Prudie counsels a woman whose balding boyfriend never goes out in public without wearing a hat.</p>Wed, 11 Feb 2015 20:04:43 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_male_pattern_craziness.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-11T20:04:43ZIn the past decade, no one has seen my balding boyfriend without a hat except me.VideoHelp! My Balding Boyfriend Has Worn a Hat in Public Every Day for 10 Years.100150211006Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_male_pattern_craziness.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t404030857700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40403085770013926365990001Boudoir Horrorhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boudoir_photos_make_me_look_really_bad.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Boudoir Photos: </strong>I went this weekend to get boudoir photos taken of me for my husband to enjoy on Valentine’s Day. I’m overweight, so I hoped that these pictures would paint me in a different light and give something dressed-up and sexy for my husband. I hate my photos. I am appalled by the positions I was in, and every single photo seemed to show off how fat I am. My sister came with me, and my makeup was professionally done, but it looks garish. I can’t stop crying about it. My sister says that I should look at them a few days from now and she’ll help me pick some sexy ones to touch up, but I feel like that’s attempting to make a silk purse from a sow’s ear. My husband loves me, and I think he might either enjoy the pictures or pretend he does, but I really don’t want them to see the light of day. Should I get him another gift? Bite the bullet and get at least one photo touched up for him to see? Go into my closet and die?</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> No. 1, what your body looks like is not a secret to your husband. He knows, he adores you, and he finds you sexy. So what looks awful to you might look delightful to him. But please, stop crying. This could be one of those gifts that brings you together because you can have a good laugh about it. This would not be because of your thighs, but because of the bordello setting, the Joan Collins–circa–<em>Dynasty </em>makeup, and the silly cheesiness of the final product. Take your sister’s advice and touch up the photos, then put them in an album and give them to him. You can tell him what you had in mind was something along the lines of Beyonc&eacute;, but you feel the final product is more Melissa McCarthy (who’s great, sexy, funny, and beautiful!). Then Valentine’s night, put on some special lingerie, and strike some of those poses in the privacy of your own bedroom.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Do I Tell My Therapist I Had an Affair (Unknowingly) With Her Husband?: </strong>A few months ago, I began therapy for severe depression. A few weeks later, I met a man who (he said) had just been through a nasty divorce. We bonded over mutual misery, and for the first time in my life, I began a “friends with benefits”-type relationship with him. Flash forward to last week: I ran into him and his wife at a grocery store. It turned out, I know his wife ... she’s my therapist. I held it together at the store but made sure later that he knew our “relationship” was over. I have ignored all subsequent contact attempts but have saved the messages and texts while I decide whether or not to tell her. So my question: Should I?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You went to this woman for help untangling some problems in your life. So I don’t think it would be therapeutic for you to tangle yourself up in her marriage any more than you already, wholly unwittingly, have. You need a new therapist—your own therapist probably could use one, too. So start looking for a one. In the meantime cancel your next appointment and all your subsequent ones. If she contacts you to ask what’s going on, you can simply say you have appreciated her help, but feel your work with her is done.</p>
<p><strong>Q. My Sister’s Keeper: </strong>After college, my sister moved to Hollywood to make it as an actress. My parents have been supporting her since she doesn’t have a job and rarely works in her field. After school I started pursuing an advanced degree. I’m grateful for the support my parents give me to facilitate this process. However, recently my folks and sister have indicated that they expect me to take on the role of supporting my sister after I graduate and get a job. While I am happy for her to pursue her dreams, I do not want to support her while she does not work. This has been their plan for so long, evidently, that they think I’m joking when I say I won’t do it. How can I make my situation clear to them?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It would be hard to make it clearer than refusing to write the checks. Anyone who intends to become a performer needs a day job. Your parents are doing your sister no favors if they are supporting her in this fruitless endeavor, especially if they don’t have the means to support her forever. If your sister has some kind of mental health issues, she needs an evaluation and help. If she just prefers to do Pilates, get lattes, and go to an occasional audition, then she and your parents are nuts if they think your hard work is going to go to supporting her sloth. I am slightly concerned that if you have a heart to heart with your parents now, they will punitively cut their support for your studies—which should be wholly separate from what they give your sister. So just ignore their hints. When you get your degree and they say it’s time for you to start ponying up, tell your parents that their relationship, financial and otherwise, with your sister is their business. Your business is making yourself a productive and independent person, and that means you are not going to subsidize your sister’s unproductive acting career.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Do I Tell My Therapist?: </strong>I find it interesting that the LW just happened to meet a man (and became lovers with him) several weeks after starting therapy for severe depression. What if the therapist’s husband has somehow been trolling his wife’s work papers for possible vulnerable women to take advantage of with a sad (false) story and sweet talk? I agree that she should find a different therapist, but I think that she should tell the outgoing therapist why. How many other patients could potentially be saved from his predation?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Ah, this is a <em>Law &amp; Order</em>–style twist! I wish the letter writer had told us how she met this creep. What you describe seems far-fetched since there are so many easier ways for pretend-single men to meet women. Under your scenario this therapist better heal herself because she is married to a truly bizarre predator. I think the letter writer has to do what she feels is best for her, and I don’t think she has an obligation to get into this with the therapist. But if she feels she should tell, she can do so in a phone call.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Boudoir Photos: </strong>She needs to tell the photographer that she’s unhappy with the final results, and why. A responsible photographer would reshoot some of the pictures—maybe not a full session, but at least a few of them—with more understated makeup and perhaps a different wardrobe. I’m heavy and I had some boudoir/nudes done a couple of years ago that were sexy and fun even though it’s quite apparent in every photo that I wear a 24, not a 2. Speak up if you’re not getting what you want!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Great suggestion, thanks!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Dinner Party Etiquette: </strong>I am a grad student in my late 20s, and I find that often when I organize parties at home, my guests tell me enthusiastically that they are attending, but then on the day of, I receive a flurry of texts explaining how they can’t come after all. Most recently, this led me to cancel the party outright, and left me nursing hurt feelings. I pride myself on my cooking abilities, and I try to think through the guest list carefully to make sure that everyone has someone to talk to. I suspect that this is an etiquette problem rather than a personal snub. My question is, as a hostess, how can I handle it gracefully when my party unravels around me because most of my guests suddenly can’t come?&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Please invite me! I will come with a bottle of wine, be delighted to have someone cook for me, and will try to make entertaining conversation. This is not a new problem, but I think it’s exacerbated by technology. People your age have come of age being able to spontaneously make and change plans because you have a device in your hands that makes this instantly possible. So social plans have a rather contingent quality. Dinner parties aren’t contingent. They require a lot of work and money, and in the absence of a death in the family, or a trip to the emergency room, it is not acceptable to flake at the last minute. People you weren’t close to who you wanted to know better, just cross off the list. People who are good friends who bail—well, go ahead and explain their sudden absence really stung. When do make these plans, make clear to everyone this is a dinner party. When you send out your reminder, feel free to send it to everyone and say, “Look forward to seeing all of you Friday at 7:00.” Don’t give up on gracious entertaining, just cull your guest list so you are entertaining&nbsp;only gracious people.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Emotional: </strong>I have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed lately and have been thinking of seeing a psychiatrist, if only just to have a neutral party to talk to. I am nervous to do so because I don’t want to lay out everything that’s going on only to have them reply with “Oh, that’s just life, you can handle that,” or something along those lines. I already feel defeated for not being able to control my emotions the way I want. I’m worried that speaking to someone may make it worse. Thoughts?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You will find that first meeting to be such a relief because no decent therapist would ever respond that way. (Nor are you likely to find you’re accidentally having an affair with your therapist’s husband.) A good therapist will empathetically and attentively listen and will discuss with you why you are there and what you hope to accomplish. You should explain you are new at this and want to know what approaches your therapist uses, what the timeline for therapy is, and what kind of progress you should expect. Please get some referrals from people you trust. I’m sure you will be pleasantly surprised and greatly relieved to have undertaken this.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Boudoir Photos: </strong>Just an experience that might be helpful: My husband asked me to have some boudoir photos taken. I felt the same as the letter writer—I looked at them and all I could think was how much better they’d look if I were thinner. Since Husband was expecting them, I had to give them over—and you know what? He likes them. A lot. He sees “pretty wife” instead of “chubby person.” He asked, “What don’t you like about them? You look pretty.” And in a blurt of honesty, I said, “I’d rather I looked thinner than pretty.” He gave me a hard look, and I realized how screwed-up that was. The whole thing was very eye-opening and helpful.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thank you. And let’s hope original letter writer’s husband is going to like the photos, too.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next Tuesday, Feb. 17.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_feminists_are_upset_that_i_don_t_have_much_sexism_to_complain.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Tue, 10 Feb 2015 16:23:39 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boudoir_photos_make_me_look_really_bad.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-10T16:23:39ZPrudie counsels a woman appalled by the racy professional photos she had taken.LifeHelp! I Had Racy Boudoir Photos Taken of Me, but I Look Terrible in Them.100150210004Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boudoir_photos_make_me_look_really_bad.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40311543390013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeWhat Ceiling?http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_feminists_are_upset_that_i_don_t_have_much_sexism_to_complain.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions, and don’t forget Valentine’s Day is on the horizon!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Excessive Feminists: </strong>I’m a woman in a very masculine scientific field, and I’ve found that many women involved in feminist circles want to hear about my experience. I absolutely agree that there are biases against women in the workplace and love a good discussion, but I have never really suffered from sexism. First, I’m young enough (27) that I’m not eligible for senior positions anyway, and second, I’ve never been flirted with in an inappropriate manner, or felt I wasn’t listened to. Maybe I’m just awesome at playing the man’s game (or in denial and don’t have an eye for sexism?). More probably, I landed in a great environment that just suffers from a dearth of females because there are too few candidates. But even quite reasonable and pleasant women get aggressive when I don’t have anything to contribute to their list of crimes committed by the patriarchy. I don’t want to lie, but I’m not sure how to handle inquiries when I can’t give them the story they want.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>How strange that people who say they are fighting for equality are dismayed when they encounter it. How sad that they don’t want to hear the good news that you have been welcomed into this traditionally male field, that your male peers and bosses treat you wonderfully, and that you are thriving. It’s exciting this has been your experience—what a great ambassador you can be for younger women seeking to enter your field. There is an unfortunate strain of obsessive grievance-mongering in feminism today. It’s a kind of sport for these self-proclaimed guardians to venomously attack those they feel don’t precisely toe their line. You’re a scientist who lives in the world of facts. You are finding that ideologues aren’t interested in facts, thus they go after you when your reality trumps their ideology. My general advice is that it’s best not to engage with unpleasant people, especially those who seek to lecture you about your own experiences. Feel free to extract yourself and say, “You’ll have to excuse me, but I’ve got to get back to the lab.” But if you feel like it, you can also counterpunch by saying something like, “It’s funny, but the only people who try to bully me are women who aren’t in my profession.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Keep My Fantasies a Fantasy?: </strong>I’m in my late 20s, and have been with my gentle, sweet, adoring boyfriend for nearly five years. I can see us getting married and having a family. Of course, there’s the but. Our sex life is a little ... vanilla. After five years, it just seems like a pleasant, but not overly enthusiastic, 20 minute, once a week bedtime task. In my head I entertain some adventurous fantasies (<em>m&eacute;nage&nbsp;&agrave; trois</em>, swinging, etc.), but my boyfriend isn’t interested in pursuing these, and frankly I don’t know if I’d be brave enough to pursue them in the real world either. Sometimes I berate myself for thinking my loving relationship should be thrown away for the sake of a few extra-special tingles downstairs. But other times I think maybe I’d be better suited for a bolder, brasher guy who shares my fantasies. What do you think?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Maybe you would like group sex. Or maybe what you really want is one-on-one sex that is not an unsatisfying dish of soft-serve vanilla. Marriage is supposed to last forever, but being married to this guy will seem like forever if in your 20s you gave up on the idea of a satisfying sex life. You say you have tried to bring more animal passion to your relationship, and it sound like his response has been to roll over and play dead. You are young and have time to find someone more sexually compatible who also shares your desire for marriage and family. I think you need to take the bold, brash step of moving on.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Unromantic: </strong>Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I’m dreading it! Ironically, I’m dating a wonderful man who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. The problem is that he enjoys shopping and gift-giving much more than I do. He significantly outearns me, so he can afford to splurge, though I’m unable to reciprocate. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to receive expensive gifts, and I can’t help feeling like I “owe” him. I’m not a particular sentimental person, and I don’t need grand gestures or expensive trinkets to feel appreciated. Plus, I’m disgusted by the woman-as-object-needing-to-be-won-with-more-objects message that accompanies holiday gift-giving. I brought up these concerns with him after Christmas, when he surprised me with a diamond necklace, but he somewhat shrugged it off: He likes shopping, noticed I could use some nice jewelry, thought it would look good, etc. Prudie, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but how can I convince this loving, romantic man that a bag of manure for my garden would mean so much more to me than any cut flower arrangement ever could?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It’s almost always a good idea to follow the specified gift desires of your beloved. But a bag of manure as a Valentine’s gift, even if requested by you, is simply freighted with too many multiple meanings to be a good idea. You have a boyfriend who loves the extravagant gesture, so stop being churlish about this. There is no need to match his diamond necklace with a pair of gold cuff links. Your gesture can be to make him a delicious, romantic dinner. Or you can find an affordable, but targeted, gift that shows you’ve been paying attention to what he likes. You have to separate out your own baggage from his gift-giving (maybe he’ll get you a matched set of Louis Vuitton!). Is he really trying to treat you as an object by buying you objects? If what’s going on is indeed as you describe—that you’ve found the man of your dreams and his major flaw is that he enjoys picking out lovely gifts for you—then stop complaining. Seriously. It sounds as if your boyfriend will get you something spectacular for Valentine’s Day. Practice looking surprised and delighted.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Fantasies: </strong>I wonder how much she has really tried getting her boyfriend to try new things between the two of them. She only actually mentions rather extreme suggestions (<em>m&eacute;nage&nbsp;&agrave; trois</em>, swinging), which a lot of people might be uncomfortable with. If she tried something more reasonable, like buying a book with interesting positions or something, he might be willing to try something new.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Good point, and if she hasn’t explicitly tried spicing things up between the two of them, she must. But a man in his 20s who has a willing and exciting partner and wants only to do the same precise thing once a week does not sound promising.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Excessive Feminists: </strong>Is the letter writer actually experiencing excessive feminists or expecting them? Because my experience with feminism has had most of the negative reactions listed by both the letter writer and you come not from the actual feminists but rather people thinking that is what a feminist is and projecting it.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>So you’re suggesting that the letter writer is having a delusional break with reality. That would definitely be more concerning than being attacked by feminists!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Ex-Husband Remarrying: </strong>My ex-husband is planning to get remarried later this year. I just found out that they are having engagement photos taken and that they plan to include my children in the photos. I am uncomfortable with this and do not feel that it is entirely appropriate. Perhaps I feel that this makes it appear in the photos that she is their mother instead of his fianc&eacute;. Am I wrong in my opinion on this? Is it appropriate to include children from a previous marriage in your engagement photos to your new fianc&eacute;?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Be grateful that your children’s new stepmother wants them in the picture. A big problem with blended families is when the new spouse wants to eradicate all evidence of the past—especially those pesky kids. Anyone who knows your family and who sees these photos (and how many people are going to see the engagement photos for a second marriage?) will know those are your kids posing with their father and their stepmother. Dress your children up in their finest and tell them to smile when the photographer says, “Cheese.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Dating Etiquette: </strong>I am newly single after many years, and casually dating several people. If one of them asks what my plans are for a particular night, and I have a date with someone else that night, what do I say? Should I be honest and say that I have a date, or is it more polite to say that I’m spending time with a friend?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>All you have to say is, “I’m sorry, I already have plans.” You are in casual mode, so you don’t need to make any excuses. If you start to get more seriously interested in one contender, you will in the natural course of events want to spend less time with the others. For now, neither you nor your dates has an obligation to give an accounting of your social life.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Excessive Feminists: </strong>I am also a young woman in a male dominated STEM field, and while it is great that the LW has had nothing but positive experiences, it is important not to downplay how rare that is and the huge problem of the dearth of women, which is why it’s important to continue supporting programs designed to help women consider STEM degrees. It might seem like unjustified complaining, but that’s like saying anyone who feels discriminated against based on race is just playing the race card because you’ve never experienced it yourself. Sexism in male dominated fields exists and should be given attention to, whether you have been unfortunate enough to deal with it or not.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>No one is saying sexism doesn’t exist, and the letter writer is not saying others may have had experiences different from hers. The letter writer is describing her own positive experiences, and the responses I’m getting are universally discounting this. How focused should she be on negative experiences she hasn’t had? If she’s going to encourage younger women to follow her, why not tell them she has been welcomed and supported?</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Excessive Feminists: </strong>I’m the original writer of this question (thanks for publishing!). I know a lot of very reasonable feminists who advocate true equal rights. But what I was stunned by in the last two years or so were women (we’re talking a dozen or so, who know each other usually), often quite active on Tumblr or blogs, who seem to seek sensationalism rather than a more nuanced debate (the latter is evidently more complex, and maybe less satisfying). I don’t want to cast a bad light on feminism, far from it. Thinking on it further, I wonder about how to deal with the people with loud skewed views, and if there’s a chance for me to convince these women to use their passion (and Internet visibility) in a more useful way.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>They are using their visibility in the way they see as most useful. What is to you sensational, skewed views, is to them the truth. So a handful of women you know write things you disagree with and when you try to talk to them about it, they are very disagreeable. You’ve got a thriving career in a demanding field. Enjoy that and don’t be bothered by the fact that some women not in your field can’t accept this.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Inviting His Affair Partner to Lunch?: </strong>My long-term, live-in boyfriend’s parents have been “broken up” for several years but are not divorced. My boyfriend claims this is due to financial reasons and both his parents date other people and live apart from one another. His parents’ marriage began as an affair, which resulted in his father’s leaving his former wife and children, so clearly neither of them has any respect for marriage vows. My boyfriend’s father is an abrasive man and when we recently invited him for lunch in our new home he gave a list of foods he and his girlfriend (who was not mentioned in the invite) would find acceptable. The thought of having this woman having a relationship with a married man in my home makes me uncomfortable. Am I obligated to invite the girlfriend even if it makes me uncomfortable? Am I being a prude, or is this just an awkward situation?&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Anyone would be uncomfortable if a couple invited to their home for lunch started having relations. And your boyfriend’s father’s dictating the foods you can serve is rude. But equally rude is inviting your boyfriend’s father to your home while excluding his established girlfriend. His marital history is none of your business, and your objection to his having a girlfriend is ridiculous. You may proclaim your fealty to the institution of matrimony, but you are exercising your own right not to participate in it. I assume you would find it offensive if someone refused to partake of your hospitality because you are “living in sin.” Your pseudo-father-in-law sounds like a difficult person. So get the food he and his girlfriend would enjoy, and make the best of the midday meal.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_my_boudoir_photos_make_me_look_really_bad.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Mon, 09 Feb 2015 21:04:08 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_feminists_are_upset_that_i_don_t_have_much_sexism_to_complain.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-09T21:04:08ZPrudie advises a woman puzzled by reactions to the fact she hasn’t faced much sexism at work.LifeHelp! Other Women Get Angry When They Find Out I Haven’t Experienced Much Sexism.100150209011Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_feminists_are_upset_that_i_don_t_have_much_sexism_to_complain.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40311543390013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_9_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_feminists_are_upset_that_i_don_t_have_much_sexism_to_complain.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 09 Feb 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_9_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-09T17:00:00ZFor Feb. 9, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150203014adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_9_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeSilent Righthttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_i_m_dying_of_cancer_but_don_t_want_my_siblings_to_speak_at.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_9_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I was recently diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and have been told that I probably only have a few years to live. My husband and I have talked through many of the end-of-life issues, including hospice care and cremation versus burial. I find that my biggest fear is related to my memorial service. I have two siblings who are not close to me, my family, or my parents, but they are known for attending family funerals and giving “no holds barred” eulogies filled with criticism of the departed’s life and choices. Since I obviously won’t be there, sometimes I think it really shouldn’t bother me. But I find the thought of my teenage children listening to their vitriol very upsetting. Should I handle this by leaving written instructions with my husband outlining who can speak, or am I putting too much pressure on him during what will be a difficult time for my family? He is very loving and supportive, and will do whatever I ask him to do (within reason)!</p>
<p>Fear of Funeral Frankness</p>
<p>Dear Fear,<br /> I hope you have many more years than you expect and that they are good ones. I admire your clear-eyed ability to address what is a devastatingly painful situation. When it comes to planning one’s funeral some people just don’t want to think about it; some people express general wishes (cremation not burial, memorial service not funeral); some people orchestrate every detail, from the music to the speakers. Of course, each of these choices is valid. You can make whatever decisions you want, let your husband know your wishes, and then put your funeral out of your mind. It’s a good thing your husband is open to talking with you about this, because sometimes loved ones can’t bear the impending loss, and so try to prevent this conversation. As far as the specifics of your situation and your awful siblings are concerned, you need to do whatever is necessary for you to stop dwelling on them. I have been to memorial services at which the microphone is open to any friends or loved ones to share a memory, and the tributes were wonderful. But I’ve also attended a funeral where a childhood friend walked up and asked the rabbi if he could speak, and was redirected back to his seat. If you fear your siblings would hijack the event, then specify that they should be barred from speaking, and ask your husband to assure you that the necessary steps will be taken to keep your jerk siblings away from the mic. We’ve all been to weddings and funerals at which a speaker becomes inappropriate. No one in the audience thinks it reflects badly on the person being honored; everyone thinks badly of the person speaking. It may be you’re focusing on your siblings as a way to distract yourself from the enormity of what’s happening.&nbsp;But once you take care of this detail, please put them out of your mind. Knowing they have no power should empower you.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> In the 1970s, my brother’s classmate was murdered. He was in elementary school. Shortly before his death, the boy had come to my brother’s birthday party, and my father took a&nbsp;nice photo of the boys in the local park. Many were striking funny poses—the boy who was killed is smiling sweetly, standing among his friends. Whenever I look at the picture, I wonder if his parents would like a copy. I recently asked my parents if they thought we should send the photos, but they thought it would be wrong (bizarre, cruel, etc.). What do you think? Would it be a wonderful gift—or a painful shock—to receive a heretofore unseen photo of their son from some party they probably don’t remember from more than 30 years ago?</p>
<p>—Holding On to an Image</p>
<p>Dear Holding,<br /> Your question made me think of the front page story this week in the <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/03/nyregion/etan-patzs-mother-speaks-in-court-of-the-day-her-son-disappeared.html?_r=0"><em>New York Times</em></a> about the testimony of the mother of Etan Patz, the 6-year-old boy who disappeared in 1979. His case has been reopened, and it’s no surprise that his mother Julie cried when recounting the day the family realized he was missing. But I was also struck by this: “She was composed through most of her testimony, even laughing at memories of her boy’s burning desire to be grown up, to go to school on his own.” That article reinforced my belief that you should give the family the opportunity to have the photo. It might be a shock from them to receive, unprepared, an envelope that contains a previously unknown photo of a long-dead child. So contact them, tell them what you’ve explained here, and ask if they would like a copy. I’m sure they won’t say no. Then, when it arrives, they can decide if and when they are ready to open the envelope. I think it’s likely they will be grateful to you and will treasure this new memento of their lost son.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am a 28-year-old happily married mother of two. I recently discovered that one of my co-workers, “Mac,” spread a wholly untrue rumor about me to many people in my department. A little while ago, I got a Facebook&nbsp;message from a co-worker saying she had overheard that my husband and I were swingers and asking for more information about the lifestyle. I responded that I was not a swinger and that she was misinformed. After questioning another co-worker, I learned that about a year ago Mac told many people in my department that my husband and I were swingers. Additionally,&nbsp;he told several people that he had stopped going to a weekly social event because I had made him feel uncomfortable after propositioning him. None of this is true!&nbsp;I thought&nbsp;Mac and I were friends, although he’s always been an attention seeker, a smooth talker, and a storyteller.&nbsp;Mac has since quit this job and moved out of state. I work with wonderful people who treat me professionally and respectfully. (It took a year to learn that this rumor even existed.) Now, I walk the halls wondering&nbsp;who thinks I’m a sexual predator. I am not sure how to go about clearing my name, and&nbsp;I would also like to let&nbsp;Mac know how his lies in the workplace are hurtful. I am considering giving him a cathartic phone call, or should I just let it go?</p>
<p>—Feeling Compromised</p>
<p>Dear Feeling,<br /> I have the feeling that most, if not all, of your co-workers weighed what they know about you with what they knew about Mac and settled on concluding Mac was a whack job. You ended up hearing the rumors only because someone was hopeful enough the swinger part was true, so that she might get to engage in some after-work socializing with you and your husband. Do not contact Mac. Blessedly, he’s out of your life. Now some other innocent co-worker is likely dealing with his craziness. If the rumor was fresh, I would have suggested you take action. If he were still there you would need to confront him, talk to HR, even threaten him with a defamation suit, while also letting the blabbiest office members know you were talking to a lawyer about his false accusations. But the rumor is old and Mac is history, so I think letting this go is better than stirring it up. The woman who inquired about swinging has every incentive to keep her mouth shut. The friend who enlightened you also heard your shocked denials. I think you’ve done all the damage control you need, because it doesn’t appear that the malicious Mac did any damage to you.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear&nbsp;Prudence,</strong><br /> I’m a young guy who’s in a monogamous relationship with my sweetheart from college. We did the long-distance thing successfully, and now we’re living together. Everything is awesome. He gets me, he makes me pancakes, we’re totally sexually compatible and into the same things. There’s just one problem: He does not enjoy spooning. He says it’s uncomfortable for him because he doesn’t know where to put his bottom arm, and my voluptuous hair gets in his face. Spooning is one of my favorite nonsexual (and sexual) things to do together because I like the feeling of my butt on his junk. I’ve told him this, and he says he understands, and so he’ll sympathy-spoon me for a few minutes, but it’s just not the same. How do I get him to want to spoon me? Also, he’s fine with being little spoon, but I don’t want that. Plus, it’s not fair if he gets to be little spoon and I don’t. We need your help.</p>
<p>—The Lonely Spoon</p>
<p>Dear Spoon,<br /> You need to stick a fork in this. Let’s put aside your general happiness and the great sex, he makes you pancakes! If spooning were central to your sexual expression, then you’d have a real problem. But it’s not the entr&eacute;e, it’s dessert. You like some <em>apr&egrave;s </em>cuddling, and you want to be the demitasse, not the soup spoon. But for him, impersonating a silverware drawer hurts his arm and obstructs his breathing thanks to your abundant locks. Yet he’s such a good guy (does he also make waffles?) that he’s generous enough to give you a little sympathy spooning. Every couple, no matter how compatible, has points of incompatibility. Be glad yours is over something so minor. Some people’s incompatibilities make them feel as if they’re being knifed in the heart.&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_wife_no_longer_likes_sex_after_cancer_treatment_so_i_cheated.html">Desperate Liaisons</a>: My wife hasn't wanted sex since her mastectomy. So I ended up sleeping with a man.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_father_won_t_make_a_will.html">No Will, No Way</a>: My father refuses to plan his estate. Is he just being selfish?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_missed_out_on_everything_by_having_a_kid.html">Wonder Years</a>: I’m 28 and love my daughter. But shouldn't I be having more fun at this age?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_father_gave_himself_lung_cancer_by_smoking_he_deserves.html">Dying Light</a>: Lung cancer is killing my father, but I’ll never forgive him for smoking.”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudie_my_friend_s_laugh_is_awful_can_i_tell_her.html">You’re Such a Riot</a>: In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on how to tell a friend she has an annoying laugh.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_get_pregnant_but_i_am.html">A Little Bundle of Fear</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman terrified by what her husband will do when he finds out she’s pregnant.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_i_m_gay_i_m_married_and_my_husband_wasn_t_invited_to_a_family.html">Keeping Things Straight</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a man whose husband wasn’t invited to a family wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_son_s_public_school_teacher_proselytizes_her_christianity.html">One Classroom Under God</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a parent whose children feel pressured at school to become Christian.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 05 Feb 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_i_m_dying_of_cancer_but_don_t_want_my_siblings_to_speak_at.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-05T11:00:00ZI’m dying of cancer. How do I keep my siblings from speaking at my funeral?LifeHelp! I’m Dying of Cancer. How Do I Keep My Siblings From Speaking at My Funeral?100150204012Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_i_m_dying_of_cancer_but_don_t_want_my_siblings_to_speak_at.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40311543390013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeUninspiring Boyfriendhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_uninspiring_boyfriend.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a woman whose passion for poetry is gone now that she’s with a man who treats her well.</p>
<p>&shy;</p>Wed, 04 Feb 2015 18:33:49 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_uninspiring_boyfriend.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-04T18:33:49ZI’m no longer able to write poetry now that I’m dating someone nice.VideoHelp! I’m No Longer Able to Write Poetry Now That I’m Dating a Nice Guy.100150204007Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_video_uninspiring_boyfriend.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t403115433900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40311543390013926365990001Photo by SlateEmily YoffeThe Goodbye Girlhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_ever_since_i_remarried_my_daughter_has_treated_me_terribly.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Estranged Daughter: </strong>I have a 20-year-old daughter who is now away at college. Her mother and I divorced over 10 years ago. My daughter was not pleased that I remarried five years ago and would only associate with me and not even attend events if my new wife was there. My wife has been very patient and didn’t begrudge me time with my daughter. She even allowed my daughter to use an old car of hers to drive to school and around town and helped pay for some high level sports clinics that my daughter wished to attend. When my daughter left for college she wanted to take my wife’s car. I said no and my daughter stopped speaking to me. This has gone on for 18 months even though I pay her full college expenses. She snubs me and her grandparents after her games when the other players come out to see their families. I have continued to communicate one-sidedly, send emails, texts, and gifts, as have my parents. I had told her and her mother I would take care of tuition for her first two years and now I have fulfilled that promise. Any suggestions as to how to reconnect with her and how to gently remind her and her mother, who has encouraged my daughter in this behavior, that it is Mom’s turn to pay for college?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Parental alienation is a terrible and sometimes unfixable thing. Your ex-wife has poisoned your daughter against you. This has been going on since she was a little girl, and at that time she had no psychological choice but to side with your ex. The risk of losing a mother’s affections is a frightening thing to any child. But now she is a young woman—a spoiled, rude, and emotionally damaged one—and the way she treats you is indefensible. Before you make a plan, you must first completely separate out finances from behavior. Payment of college should have been something worked out in the divorce agreement, and if necessary you need to go back to a lawyer to figure out how you and your ex pay for the rest of your daughter’s education. It will simply be counterproductive for any chance at someday having a decent relationship with her to make her getting her degree contingent on how she treats you—even as that makes intuitive sense. As for her behavior, I think it’s time you addressed this with her directly. Before you do, have some sessions with a therapist who has <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201305/parent-child-reunification-after-alienation">expertise in parental alienation and reconciliation</a>. Ideally, your daughter would agree to go to counseling with you to address your issues and heal this breach. You have to accept that this is what will happen in an ideal world, and that it may never happen for you. But with guidance you can figure out a plan for moving forward, which will include a way to let your daughter know you will always love her, but as you two deal with each other adult to adult, both of you need to treat each other with respect.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Gun Safety: </strong>My husband is a gun collector. His interest is mostly in customizing and restoring used guns. He’s always been very safe and knowledgeable about his hobby, and has taken me with him to target shoot several times to demonstrate this. However, last night, while fiddling with a handgun in the living room, it suddenly fired and shot a bullet through our ceiling and into our attic. Thankfully, nobody was hurt, but he says he still has no idea “how a round got in there.” This terrifies me. I flipped out and told him while he can keep his guns, he needs to rethink his safety practices. I also told him I’m thinking of refusing him to work on his guns while I’m at home, at all, and that he might want to think about downsizing his collection. He’s extremely ashamed and embarrassed, and pretty much willing to do whatever I tell him at this point. Is this fair? And am I being too fair?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You all are lucky, indeed. His “Duh, I don’t know how that got in there” is so appalling that I think you should insist that if he keeps the collection, which is something you two need to discuss and downsizing sounds like a good idea, he must take a multipart refresher course in gun safety. He may insist this was a one-time lapse, but it is a lapse of such appalling and potentially lethal dimension that it shows he really doesn’t know what he’s doing. I also agree that after he completes the course that there need to be strict new safety rules in the house—one being that he works on his guns in a designated place—not the living room!—and no other family members are around. It’s good that he’s ashamed and embarrassed, as he should be. He now needs to reassess everything he thought he knew about being a gun owner.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Estranged Daughter: </strong>First, in some states, family court’s jurisdiction ends at 18. When I was negotiating my divorce, I was told it was not possible to write an enforceable divorce decree re: college support. (I am not an attorney, so consult yours.) Second, having had firsthand experience with multiple counselors regarding parental alienation, let me caution it is a very mixed bag. I encountered multiple counselors who just wanted to apply a formula rather than focus on the dynamics of the specific case. At least in my child’s case, we needed to take both perspectives as the formulaic approach backfired badly.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for the clarification about the law. Not being able to make an enforceable agreement about paying for college seems like a giant hole that needs fixing. Your caveat about counselors applies to every situation people seek such help. Therapy can be challenging, but patients need to be very aware that if they feel no progress is being made—or if things are getting worse—then they must bring this up with the therapist and if need be, move on.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Girlfriend Not Willing to Reschedule Trip for My Graduation: </strong>My girlfriend of several years is going on a cruise this coming summer, but the thing is, we completely forgot that she will be leaving before my graduation ceremony and she will not be able to attend. I have spent too much time on my degree and I am eagerly waiting to receive my diploma. According to her, she can not reschedule her trip. I feel this is a major part of my life and she will not be there for it. I thought that she could Skype into the gradation but who knows where she will be and if she will even have access to the Internet?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>There are few milestones more dreary than the graduation. The person you are there to honor is not the star of the show but one of hundreds, even thousands of people. Loved ones are trapped listening to dreary speeches, then watching strangers troop across the stage, waiting for the few seconds their special person makes the procession, while snapping lousy photos. You forgot the graduation date and in the meantime your beloved made a deposit on a cruise. Wish her bon voyage while she wishes you congratulations. Making an issue of this is unwise both financially and romantically.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Cruising Girlfriend: </strong>Newsflash: I have my doctorate, so I have suffered through too many of my own boring graduations. Most funerals are more fun than graduation ceremonies. You might think that your graduation is so momentous the world should stop rotating to take pause, but do yourself and your relationship a favor: Drop it. Also, bring a book or Kindle, if you don’t you’ll be envious of your fellow graduates who have thought ahead. I learned this the hard way during a four-hour graduation ceremony.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I love the idea of the graduates—and their loved ones—catching up on their reading during these excruciating exercises.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Should I Approach or Ignore My Smoking Co-Worker?: </strong>I work in a small office with a recently hired co-worker who I strongly suspect is smoking more than tobacco on his lunch break. Most of the other employees are older, conservative professionals and I am not sure if anyone has picked up on the aromas that return to the office when this individual comes back from lunch. Our work does not involve us interacting much with clients face to face or using any potentially hazardous equipment, so I can almost understand the desire get a buzz on. I’m not sure if our company even has a drug policy, so I’m not sure what actions the owners would take. This individual has also related to me that at a previous place of employment, this person was asked to leave and had to be escorted from the premises after threats of violence. I’m really at a loss as far as what to do. I see no harm in lighting up once in a while, but I don’t think work is the appropriate place.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Maybe the marijuana will mellow out the new employee with a propensity for threatening workplace violence. That would be a novel justification for medical marijuana. What are you waiting for—this person’s probation period to pass? Run to the bosses and say you are sorry to have to report that you think there’s a reason for the skunky smell stalking the office and that the new hire told you something very disturbing about his or her last place of employment. Surely your company’s drug policy is: No recreational drugs at the office.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Hosting for Different Needs: </strong>A friend of my wife and I cut out added sweeteners and refined grains from her diet recently. Since we’re hosting a party soon, I brought this up while discussing the menu with my wife because I think we must make sure she has plenty to eat. My wife on the other hand, thinks it’s her friend’s problem and not ours to worry about. Our friend offered to bring some dishes, which I think it’s kind of her, but since we’re the ones hosting and it won’t be a potluck, I feel we should provide for her as we will for the rest of the group. What’s your take?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>People should be considerate of needs of guests to the extent that you don’t invite all your Orthodox Jewish friends to your bacon festival, and you don’t invite your observant Mormon or Muslim friends to your wine-tasting. If you are hosting a dessert party, you should give this friend a heads up. But beyond that, people with special dietary needs need to make their own accommodations when socializing. It sounds as if there will be an array of food this friend can choose from. If not, she can sip some water and eat when she gets home. She is not going to suffer from malnutrition even if your food is not up to her standards.</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks so much, everyone. Talk to next week!</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_when_should_my_daughter_start_shaving_her_legs.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</strong></a><strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Tue, 03 Feb 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_ever_since_i_remarried_my_daughter_has_treated_me_terribly.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-03T11:00:00ZPrudie counsels a man whose daughter has given him the cold shoulder since he remarried.LifeHelp! My Daughter Has Treated Me Terribly Since I Remarried.100150203001Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_ever_since_i_remarried_my_daughter_has_treated_me_terribly.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40167141600013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeWax Onhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_when_should_my_daughter_start_shaving_her_legs.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions!</p>
<p><strong>Q. When to Let the 11-Year-Old Start Shaving?: </strong>I’m the proud single mom to an 11-year-old girl, who has recently started asking to be allowed to shave her legs. Personally I can’t remember when I started shaving my legs, nor does my mother remember when she started. Do you know when the proper time is for a girl to start?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>The proper time is when your daughter feels self-conscious about not shaving. She does sound young at 11 years old, but this is strictly an individual matter. She may be rapidly heading toward full-blown puberty and she is uncomfortable about the dark hair on her legs. It could also be that her friends have started shaving and she wants to feel grown up like them, even if it means removing some peach fuzz. The next time you shave your legs, get your daughter her own razor and have a mother-daughter depilation session, while you give her some tips on avoiding nicks.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Snowstorm Driving Annoyance: </strong>I live in New England and have to drive in snowstorms as a hospital worker. Usually an inch or so won’t faze me, but as conditions worsen, I drive about 15-20 mph, sometimes less. I give myself plenty of time to get into work so that it doesn’t impact me any. However, I always end up leading a long parade of cars who are getting more and more frustrated that I’m not speeding down the road. There’s no room to pull over, and I’m not willing to go faster. However, I get really nervous that so many people are behind me getting angry that I’m not driving fast. How can I get over this? (Please help, more snow is coming!)</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If you are driving in Massachusetts today in the driving snow, you will be lucky to be going 20 miles per hour. Of course, drivers must take precautions and assess prevailing conditions. But if you are turning the roads into an unnecessary pseudo funeral procession, then you are creating a hazard of your own. Enraged drivers behind you are going to be tempted to pull some dangerous maneuvers if in fact going 30 miles per hour is safe and sensible. You’re right that you can’t pull over, but if you are taking a usual route, map out in your mind places that you can take a right turn onto a side street for a minute or so and give some relief to the frustrated drivers behind you.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Two Wives?: </strong>My sister is engaged to a man who has been living with his “best friend” since college, a girl. My sister claims that “Amy” is probably gay and has never been interested in romance. She tells me that Amy is a wonderful cook (my sister never learned) and it makes sense for the living situation to stay the same since it saves them money and college loans are killing her. I think the entire situation is bizarre and a setup for heartache. My sister jokes that between Amy and herself they make the perfect wife! And her fianc&eacute; agrees! What can I tell her to get my sister to see that this isn’t going to end well?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I’d say this is all so modern of your sister, her fianc&eacute;, and his pal: the opposite-sex best friends living together in the “making-do” economy. But tell me everyone doesn’t really think that cooking comes under “wifely duties.” Sis, this situation definitely comes under the heading of “None of Your Business.” The only thing I can see not ending well is your relationship with your sister if you keeping harping on what sounds like a sensible setup. And if this threesome actually is more romantically intertwined than they let on to you, again, review the codicils under “Butt Out.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Handsy Father-in-Law: </strong>Recently I’ve taken up knitting as a way to bond with my mother-in-law. My own mother frequently joins us for once-a-week lessons and we enjoy ourselves immensely. The trouble is my father-in-law. He insists on hugging both my mother and me as we come and go. If we try to dodge his hugs, he makes it worse by rubbing our shoulders or petting our backs as we rush upstairs away from him. Before the holidays he “accidentally” grazed my breast as he hugged me. This all happens in sight of my mother-in-law, but the family accepts his behavior as normal. I want to note that I loathe being touched by men who are not my husband or direct family members. Also, my father-in-law has a drinking problem that the family continually ignores. What can I do to stop his behavior without offending my mother-in-law, whom I adore?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You may adore your mother-in-law, but she is party to familywide collusion in ignoring, even enabling, your father-in-law’s repulsive behavior. I’m concerned that while he tries to crudely cop a feel from the adult female relatives in his life (blechh!), no one seems to have explored what he may have done or be doing to the girls in the family. I have heard from other women in your situation and they have taken the response into their own hands, so to speak. They have said that what works is putting out a stiff arm when the pervert relative approaches and saying, loudly, “No hugs!” If necessary, you repeat, more emphatically, “I said, ‘No hugs!’ ” Yes, this should embarrass your father-in-law, and that’s the point—someone needs to call him out. If your mother-in-law is mortified about your protecting yourself from the predations of her husband, then she is not as worthy of adoration as you think.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Leg Shaving: </strong>I started shaving my lower legs during the latter half of fifth grade. I was the first girl in my class. I started after riding in the car one day with my mom (wearing shorts) and I said, “I’ve got monkey-legs. They’re covered with so much hair.” I’m lucky Mom was understanding and I shaved my legs that night. Only suggestion I have is that I wish she’d forced me to wax my legs from the beginning so my hair would have thinned over time. I might not be saving up for laser-hair removal on my still chimp-like legs.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Ah, memories of puberty. Your mom sounds great, but shaving should work for the average primate!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Money Matters Part II: </strong>I <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_our_baby_interrupts_our_sex_at_night.html">wrote to you last week</a> about the inheritance I received from a recently deceased late boyfriend. His mother was trying to claim the money. You suggested I consult with a lawyer. I did and my ex’s mother has no right over the money whatsoever. My ex signed the will after we’d broken up, and even if he’d done it before, it wouldn’t change a thing. Considering his parents are pretty darn rich (and his father would never even consider asking for it), I’ve decided she’s not getting any. His relationship with her was pretty nonexistent, and I got to understand why during the nine years we were together. So, regardless of what others think, this is what feels right to me to respect and honor him.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thank you for this follow-up—I really appreciate hearing what people did after their letter ran. Thanks also for the legal clarification that the mother has no claim to the estate. Last week you wrote that while your inheritance was substantial, you wanted to give it all to charity. I hope that means that you, like your boyfriend’s parents, are “pretty darn rich.” If you aren’t, consider giving some money away and keeping some so that the rest of your life is financially easier—after all, that was what your ex wanted for you.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Help With Bipolar Adult Daughter: </strong>My beautiful daughter has bipolar disorder. She is vegan and hesitant to use artificial medication to manage her symptoms. Typically she is able to find the tools to cope but when she goes into an angry paranoid state, her mania makes it hard to be around for a couple of weeks at a time. She is underemployed, angry at our capitalist society, and feels I am trying to control her by helping her in ways she doesn’t ask, and not helping her in the ways she needs. She has a hard time dealing with the red tape involved with mental health services. When she isn’t in this state, she is a thoughtful, loving, and kind person with extreme compassion for people. What can I do to cope with the intermittent vitriol and not make her feel as if I am overbearing—while at the same time letting her know she can’t treat me like crap when she’s manic? I want her to know I always love her, even when she is hard to be around.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Sadly, her condition helps lead to her erroneous conclusion that medication will poison her. Obviously, she needs a sensitive practitioner who will not just manage her medication, but will do true therapy—not just a 15-minute check-in and a new prescription—to help her be as highly functioning as possible. She is cycling through destructive bouts of mania and depression (bipolar disorder was once called manic-depression, after all). If she were stabilized on medication, you would see much more of the thoughtful, loving person, and less of the paranoid one. The dilemma is that she’s an adult, and the laws about people with mental illness are designed to protect their civil rights—a wholly worthy goal—but they go so far that sometimes, tragically, people who desperately need help don’t get it because it is so difficult to compel treatment. If she is not a danger to herself or others, there is not that much you can do. Except that when you’re daughter is in her a more rational state you have to gently discuss with her how the two of you can work together to find her a practitioner she feels in sync with who can help her buffer the highs and lows.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Family Loves Him (but I Don’t Anymore): </strong>For the past few years, I had been seeing a man who is 10 years my senior (24 for me, 34 for him). I am just finishing my master’s degree for psychology and he is an executive at a Fortune 500 company. He was talking marriage, and I had told him that I was not ready. We had gone back and forth and he surprised me with a ring a few months ago. I turned him down. Then I found him in bed with another woman. I broke up with him and have tried to get on with my life. Everyone in my family is saying I am making a mistake. A cousin actually told me that its better he get these little indiscretions out of the way now rather than when we are married. Help me explain to them that I am better off without him (I found out he had cheated on his first and second wife!).</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If your family is under the impression that this guy is so loaded he is going to be some kind of Santa Claus for your extended family, you should put him in touch with the parents and cousins of wives one and two. I’m sure they are not rolling it in just because this guy made a vow to successive women (while crossing his fingers). You are getting a degree in psychology, and it sounds as if that helped you see that there is no future with this rat. But surely, you have studied family dynamics, and I’m going to put it back to you to explain to your family you are happily free of your jerk of a boyfriend, and if any of them want a go at his income, he’s now single.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Snowstorm Driving: </strong>Two words: snow tires. Get some good ones, maybe even studded, and put them on all four wheels. If you can find a set of rims that aren’t too expensive, you can have a winter set of wheels and keep your shiny rims for the summer months. I too grew up in Massachusetts and had to deal with occasional snow, but I’ve spent most of my adult life in places where winter lasts about six months of the year. Good tires are the key to slippery roads. (We’re in the middle of a 6-10-inch snowstorm right now and the schools didn’t even close!)</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Agree about the snow tires. And others have suggested that this driver get some hands-on instruction in winter driving. I’m from Massachusetts and live in Maryland now. I can’t tell you how many days school was canceled for my daughter there because the bottom of the children’s feet might get wet from a sprinkling of snow.</p>
<p><strong><em><a>Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Mon, 02 Feb 2015 19:55:37 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_when_should_my_daughter_start_shaving_her_legs.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-02T19:55:37ZPrudie advises a mother uncertain whether to let her 11-year-old start shaving her legs.LifeHelp! My 11-Year-Old Wants to Shave Her Legs. Is She Too Young?100150202006Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_when_should_my_daughter_start_shaving_her_legs.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40167141600013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_2_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page<em>.</em></p>
<p><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/02/dear_prudence_when_should_my_daughter_start_shaving_her_legs.html"><em><strong>Click here to read Part 1 of this week's cha</strong></em><strong>t.</strong></a><br /> </p>Mon, 02 Feb 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_2_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-02-02T17:00:00ZFor Feb. 2, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150128006adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_2_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeVery Early Retirementhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_want_to_stop_working_at_26.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_feb_2_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am a 26-year-old&nbsp;woman living in a quaint tech town.&nbsp;I have been a social worker since graduation, most recently with hospice patients, and the experience made me feel I was headed for a nervous breakdown. I saw terrible things with the families and the job filled me with deep sadness. I’m working on changing careers but struggling to find a field that interests me. I’m happiest in my quiet home, cleaning&nbsp;and making beautiful meals for my partner. I walk my dog, go to the gym, volunteer cleaning up a local forest and do things that promote&nbsp;tranquility. He makes enough at a tech firm to support the both of us, but I am paying my share of bills with&nbsp;my meager savings. We have no children and don’t see any on the horizon. He was supportive of my quitting, assuming I would quickly find another job.&nbsp;But social work now terrifies me, and I don’t know want to do for a career, if anything. Is it wrong to ask my partner to support my quiet at-home life for the sake of my mental health? Am I crazy to drop out of the workforce so early? What do I say to my worried family members when they grill me about my plans for the future?</p>
<p>—Modest Ambitions</p>
<p>Dear Modest,<br /> You thought you wanted to spend your career helping the sickest and most vulnerable. You don’t. There’s no shame in that, and better to find out now than to be a burnt-out and ineffective healer. But unless there are extenuating circumstances, everyone should have the ability to support herself. Even if you end up someday being a stay-at-home mother, at this point in life you need to be building work experience in a field that enriches rather than terrifies you. To begin exploring what field that might be, contact your alma mater. Many colleges offer free career advice to their graduates—you could do it by phone or Skype. If you could use more help, see if your boyfriend will loan you money for career counseling. (Since he’d like you to be gainfully employed, he has an incentive to make it a gift.) Maybe the hospitality industry, or property management, for example, would allow you to use your considerable skills. Meanwhile, there are steps you can take right now. You’ve discovered you love doing things that lots of people hate, so share this love in exchange for cash. In your tech town there are going to be those eager to outsource dog walking, meal preparation, and other domestic tasks. Talk to companies that offer these services to busy tech executives, or start your own one-woman business. Sure, preparing a meal for another family is not the same as noodling around your own kitchen. But you may discover you get satisfaction making life more pleasant for stressed-out thriving people, instead of easing people to their last meal. You made an early career choice that was inimical to your psychological needs. But that should not result in your withdrawing from the workplace. Instead draw on the insights your difficulties gave you, and the satisfaction you are now experiencing, and move toward doing something that will fulfill your psyche and your bank account.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My wife is CEO of a small company and puts in long hours; we’re both textbook workaholics. A few weeks ago, she mentioned that she’d been noticing two small lumps in one of her breasts for a couple of months, but she hadn’t had them examined because she didn’t have time. Since then, I’ve been urging her to make an appointment with a doctor. She always finds an excuse to delay, and as of this morning, she screamed at me to get out of her face, quit nagging her, and not bring up the subject again. What can I do to persuade her to take the lumps seriously and have them examined, when she perceives so many other things as more immediately urgent, and now reacts with intense and almost abusive anger when I try to remind her?</p>
<p>—Worried</p>
<p>Dear Worried,<br /> Your wife may be screaming at you for bothering her about something that’s none of your business, but it is your business, and no matter how busy she is, this must be attended to. She’s the one who told you about the lumps, so despite how she’s acting now, her worries were big enough she couldn’t keep them a secret. Telling you may have been an (unconscious) ploy on her part. Now that you’ve taken on the burden of being concerned about what those lumps might mean, she’s offloaded her fear onto you, and can bury her denial in work. It’s not working. Yes, she’s behaving terribly, but you have to try to get past this. Pick a moment when things are quiet and calm—maybe when you are on the couch watching TV together. During a commercial put the sound on mute, take her hands, and say you have to talk. Tell her there’s no one more precious to you than her, and you simply can’t ignore an important symptom that requires a trip to the doctor. Say most breast lumps are benign, but when someone finds one (or two) it simply must be checked out. Tell her letting this go is not an option. Say that in the morning she—or you if need be—are going to call her gynecologist to make an appointment, and that you will go there together. If she refuses even this entreaty, then say you are calling her doctor to report that you’re concerned she found two lumps in her breast, and you are hoping the doctor will contact her and insist this has to be looked at.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I have a neurological condition that affects my memory. In most ways, this doesn’t hinder my life too much. I graduated from an Ivy League university, got a master’s degree, and have a career I love. At the same time, the things I forget sometimes terrify me. I worry that friends think I’m uncaring because I never remember what they’re up to from one conversation to the next. I often ask questions which reveal I’ve forgotten some important thing they shared with me the last time we talked. (For example, I might forget that their wife is pregnant or their father is sick.) Often in conversation, a friend will say something like, “Remember when we did X together?” The answer is almost always no. I feel weird and dishonest saying, “Yes, I loved that night!” but I also don’t want to get into a whole medical explanation for why I’ve forgotten a memory they clearly value. Any advice for how to handle these situations?&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Forgetful</p>
<p>Dear Forgetful,<br /> Everyone has had the kind of experiences you describe—from forgetting someone’s important family news, to going blank about that hilarious night at the karaoke bar. But if your memory is truly more faulty than most because of a medical condition, I advise that you be more candid about this, at least with those people you are close enough with to have warm memories worth sharing. I’ve heard from people with medical conditions they don’t want to disclose who say they feel they successfully cover their symptoms. I’m sure many people do. But there are also going to be times when such a condition, let’s say a hearing impairment, can be misinterpreted as rudeness. I’ve advised that it’s better in most cases to be honest. This can be done in a low-key way, and the person doing the revealing can control how much she wants to talk about it. I think it will be a relief for you to be able to tell people, “I’m sorry, of course I knew Cynthia was pregnant—I just had one of those occasional memory lapses I told you about.” Knowing your condition will not change anyone’s understanding of you as a highly functioning, successful individual—it’s more likely to increase their regard about how you’ve dealt with this challenge. But if you absolutely don’t want to do this, then you can just say, “I’m sure you’ve known me long enough to know that a steel-trap memory is not my gift.”</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> A former co-worker, “Charlotte,” and I had a great working relationship. She left for a new position elsewhere because she began dating the company’s president, my direct supervisor. Our company is very small and she’s been giving the president feedback on different projects.&nbsp;Her help makes me uncomfortable. She isn’t an employee anymore, but the president and vice president take her advice, even if she’s unqualified to give it. She now wants to take me out on “girl dates,” has offered unprompted to teach me to wear makeup, and invited me to go shopping with her.&nbsp;At a group dinner, she told me my boyfriend would do better if he acted “more normal.” I think we are incompatible for friendship. I don’t want to snub her and potentially ruffle the relationship I have with my boss, but I also don’t want to keep dealing with veiled insults. I feel trapped and obligated to spend time with her to keep a job I otherwise love. To make matters worse, she’s started emailing me with assignments to complete! Help!</p>
<p>—Not That Type of Girl</p>
<p>Dear Not,<br /> If the assignment is, “Let’s get those eyebrows waxed,” just ignore it. If the assignment is, “I think you should start a Twitter account for Derrick and post his business insights on it,” that’s something else. If the latter, you must discuss this with your boss. You can say you enjoyed working with Charlotte, but now that she’s no longer with the firm, it’s imperative that you clarify the lines of communication regarding your work. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable to be given tasks from someone outside the company. If your boss wants you to report to his girlfriend, then that should make you think twice about how much you love this job. You may have gotten along with Charlotte when she was a work colleague, but I agree she is an insulting and obnoxious “friend.” You can tell her that you’re so happy for her and your boss that their relationship has blossomed, but you make it a rule to limit the mixing of your own work and social lives.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_wife_no_longer_likes_sex_after_cancer_treatment_so_i_cheated.html">Desperate Liaisons</a>: My wife hasn't wanted sex since her mastectomy. So I ended up sleeping with a man.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_father_won_t_make_a_will.html">No Will, No Way</a>: My father refuses to plan his estate. Is he just being selfish?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_missed_out_on_everything_by_having_a_kid.html">Wonder Years</a>: I’m 28 and love my daughter. But shouldn't I be having more fun at this age?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_father_gave_himself_lung_cancer_by_smoking_he_deserves.html">Dying Light</a>: Lung cancer is killing my father, but I’ll never forgive him for smoking.”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudie_my_friend_s_laugh_is_awful_can_i_tell_her.html">You’re Such a Riot</a>: In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on how to tell a friend she has an annoying laugh.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_get_pregnant_but_i_am.html">A Little Bundle of Fear</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman terrified by what her husband will do when he finds out she’s pregnant.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_i_m_gay_i_m_married_and_my_husband_wasn_t_invited_to_a_family.html">Keeping Things Straight</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a man whose husband wasn’t invited to a family wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_son_s_public_school_teacher_proselytizes_her_christianity.html">One Classroom Under God</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a parent whose children feel pressured at school to become Christian.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 29 Jan 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_want_to_stop_working_at_26.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-29T11:00:00ZI’m 26 and want to stop working. Can I ask my boyfriend to support me?LifeHelp! I’m 26 and Want to Stop Working. Can I Ask My Boyfriend to Support Me?100150128009Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_want_to_stop_working_at_26.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40167141600013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeTongue-Tied Maid of Honorhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_tongue_tied_maid_of_honor.html
<p>In this week's video, Prudie counsels a woman whose fear of public speaking has her hesitant to give a toast at her sister’s wedding.</p>
<p>&shy;</p>Wed, 28 Jan 2015 20:07:46 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_tongue_tied_maid_of_honor.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-28T20:07:46ZMy sister’s getting married, but I'm terrified of public speaking.VideoHelp! I’m Terrified of Public Speaking. How Will I Toast My Sister’s Wedding?100150128005Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_tongue_tied_maid_of_honor.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t401671416000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40167141600013926365990001Bed Timehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_our_baby_interrupts_our_sex_at_night.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Interrupted Sex: </strong>My husband and I are in a loving marriage of eight years. We have a 14-month-old son, whom I still nurse. Our son still wakes up once or twice a night, requiring me to go in his room and get him back to sleep. The problem? This is a huge mood killer for, ahem, adult time. I have a hard time getting in the mood when I am anticipating needing to tend to our son. Worse yet is when he wakes up when we are in the midst of things. How can I mentally toggle between being wife and mother? This is exhausting!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>The good news is that you and your husband are having sex often enough that this is a problem. A 14-month-old should be sleeping through the night. For human beings, sleeping through the night does not mean eight or more hours of complete unconsciousness. People go through wake and sleep cycles all night long. But what small human beings need to learn is how to put themselves back to sleep when they rouse briefly. You have trained your son that when his eyes open in the night, he can call out for a cuddle and a hot toddy fresh from Mom to help him to doze off again. Who wouldn’t want that? So it’s up to you to let him know that Mom’s cutting him off. Back when I was raising a little one, “Ferberizing” your baby was all the rage. Look up the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743201639/?tag=slatmaga-20">Ferber method</a> and see if you can use Dr. Ferber’s techniques. Definitely start weaning your son off the liquid night relief. When he cries out for you, you can go in, briefly make sure he’s all right, put a hand on his back, but do not nurse. This might provoke some initial protests, but soon he will learn that crying for you does not give him the reward he seeks. Then you and your husband will be able to reward each other uninterrupted for being such good parents that you know the value of when to ignore your child.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Niece Sleepover Party: </strong>I am a 34-year-old single man with my own house and it has a pool. My 13-year-old niece wants to have a sleepover with some of her girlfriends so they can go skinny dipping. Her mother and another of the girlfriends mother would be there and I will be somewhere else. I am very uncomfortable with this even though no one can see them.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It’s your home, so it’s not happening if you don’t want it to. But as long as all the girls involved really want to do this and no one feels coerced—which is an issue for the mothers to talk out with the girls—I think it sounds like fun.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Interrupted Sex: </strong>We have an 11-month-old son and a 3&frac12;-year-old daughter. One thing we found when trying to do the Ferberizing, is to have me (husband) go in and check on the kid. That way you don’t get a tantrum about mommy not breast-feeding. As a husband/father, it helped my wife get more sleep, and be more focused on the adult time (and be more relaxed and less tired).</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Great (and obvious—duh!) suggestion that Dad take on the checking on junior duties. Even a 14-month-old knows that while Dad may be fun, he’s a dry hole as far as warm, liquid relief is concerned. Once the son knows that only Dad is going to come when called—and not immediately!—the little boy is going to learn to just roll over and go back to sleep.</p>
<p><strong>Q.&nbsp; Nude in Front of Children?: </strong>I recently read an article that said that parents shouldn’t be nude in front of their children past the age of 5. I have a 9-year-old stepdaughter who was raised by a single father since she was 3 months old. I’ve been her stepmother for the last two years. While her father never let her be in the room while he was naked, I have had no problem allowing her in the room while I’m changing clothes or letting her sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I’m in the shower. When her father and I first got together she hadn’t had any females in her life for any real amount of time and she was curious about my body. She asked questions like why I have hair down there and if she would have breasts someday. I answered her questions honestly and these days it doesn’t faze her at all to see me naked. My mother was always the same way with me when I was growing up and I think I grew up with a healthy body image. Have I been going about this wrong? Am I actually scarring my stepdaughter for life?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>How glorious for your little girl that you have come into her life. You are doing it just right, so ignore that silly article. How great that she can learn from you what you learned from your mother about how bodies work and what to expect as she grows. There are wonderful books you can give her about her body. You two can even sit together and read selected portion and she can ask questions. But nothing beats seeing the real thing in a safe and loving environment. Keep going, Mom!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;She Doesn’t Need to Night Wean: </strong>I completely disagree with your assertion that a 14-month-old should be sleeping through the night. While most kids do by that age, all kids are different and she doesn’t need to night wean if she doesn’t want to. All things come to an end at some point, and if she feels that she wants to react and respond when her son wakes up, then she should do that. Not all mothers want to put their kids in a position to wonder why on earth they aren’t coming for them when they’re sad and upset. I’d deal with the wake-ups and attend to his needs. The guilt derived from ignoring a crying baby is far worse than a little interrupted sexy time.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Another reader warned me that my response was going to provoke a lot of disagreement from those who believe in attachment parenting. If a parent wants to go to a child’s room multiple times a night, that person is not writing to me about how to get this to stop. I dislike the idea that one doctrinaire school of child-rearing is the only way to go. Children can be securely emotionally attached without being physically attached at times the parent doesn’t want. The original letter writer, I think, needs to stop the nightly milk runs, and doing so will be valuable for all the family members.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Need More Sex: </strong>My wife and I have been married for about 18 months, and we are mostly happy together. The problem I have is that I want sex a lot more frequently than she does. When we first started seeing each other (about five years ago) we had sex four to five days a week. As our relationship became more emotionally intimate and we spent more time together, she wants to have less and less sex, so that now I’m lucky if we do it more than once a month. I have had the opposite feeling—as we spent more time together and got more emotionally attached, I want to have sex more and more frequently. She becomes extremely upset if I take care of myself in any way. What can I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Make sure that when you have that monthly encounter, you are using birth control. I get so many letters like yours from people who realized they were part of a couple with mismatched libidos, yet went on to marry. You have found that after 18 months of marriage you’ve done it fewer than 18 times—and it doesn’t sound as if those were greeted enthusiastically by your wife. Something went wrong a long time ago, and you two didn’t explore what that was. Sure, it would be worth seeing a professional now to try to save your marriage. But given that your wife doesn’t even want you to masturbate to relieve your normal urges, I think you should consider following the urge to talk to a divorce lawyer.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Thanks for the B-day Wishes, I’m Sorry I Missed Yours: </strong>I had a birthday very recently, and while I was happy to receive many birthday wishes from friends and family, I felt guilty. Some of these friends who sent me well-wishes were on Facebook. I haven’t been on due to a lot of stress and upheaval. As such, I’ve missed a lot of birthdays of some of the same people wishing ME well. In some cases, I found out after their birthday passed and didn’t know what the protocol was to say, “Happy Birthday.” Some of these friends have had their special day a few days before I had mine. How should I approach this?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>My minimalist approach to Facebook includes not reading news feeds. Perhaps this means I am unwittingly snubbing the important life events of people. But I don’t think being on Facebook requires a new etiquette burden of remarking on every jot and tiddle that others post about themselves. You don’t need to do anything except express your gratitude to those who noted your birthday. If you realize others have had one within recent days, the expression, “Happy belated birthday to you, too” works. Otherwise, do not apologize for failing to notice your friend’s impersonally posted news, be it a birthday or discovery of a favorite new soup.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Niece Sleepover: </strong>As a mom of daughters whose friends’ parents are sometimes more permissive and don’t mind letting their kids friends do “cool” things behind their parents’ backs, I would advise you to make sure every attendee’s parents were on board with this party. It would weird me out to be honest. Teenage girls skinny dipping at a man’s house (whether there or not)—totally creepy. Word will get around among their friends, too. Proceed with caution.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>There are two issues here: The uncle, and the party. To take the latter, of course this should not be a “cool mom” fueled event. But I don’t find it impossible to believe a small group of pubescent girls who are good friends would want to do this. If girls are doing sports, don’t they change together in the locker room? But such an event would need every parent and child to be on board and no one to feel pressured to strip or stay naked. The uncle’s issue is if he doesn’t want his house to be used for such an event, then it should not happen. Someone suggested if it does happen, the uncle needs to have a rock-solid alibi accounting for his whereabouts during the entirety of the event. Someone else suggested the uncle probably has hidden cameras set up (even though he wrote he’s uncomfortable about such a party!). Surely it’s possible for a group of girls splashing naked together privately in a pool to be seen in a non-nefarious way.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Money Matters: </strong>My ex-boyfriend died recently, shortly after we broke up. Much to my surprise, he left me a considerable amount of money. His mother, who never liked me, demands that I give it to them, saying I have no right to keep it since we were no longer together. Truth is, I couldn’t care less about the money; it won’t fill this hole and the pain I feel, but I don’t want to give it to her either. I was planning on donating it to different charity organizations he supported, but I can only imagine she’s never going to leave me alone if I do. Should I go against what I believe and give it to her for the sake of peace and moving on?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Since it is a considerable amount of money, do not make any decisions about it right now, but use some of it for a consult with an estate lawyer. Because you two had broken up, you want to see if his family might have an opening to make a claim against the estate. Even if they don’t have legal grounds for action, threatening or actually bringing a case—however specious—could make your life miserable. You are in the enviable position of being able to not care about a sudden windfall. But as much as you may have disliked his mother, she has just lost a grown child, so is in agony, and you can understand that she might displace her grief by focusing on you. I think your communication with the mother should go through a lawyer. Ultimately, it might be worth it to you to return a chunk to her just for the sake of making your decisions about what to do with the rest of the inheritance cleaner.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next week. Happy shoveling!</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_how_can_an_introvert_teach_her_kid_to_make_friends.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<u></u></em></strong></p>Tue, 27 Jan 2015 14:30:20 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_our_baby_interrupts_our_sex_at_night.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-27T14:30:20ZPrudie advises a mother whose baby won’t sleep through the night, making it hard to have sex.LifeHelp! Our Baby Won’t Sleep Through the Night, Making It Hard to Have Sex.100150127002Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_our_baby_interrupts_our_sex_at_night.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40008610990013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeThe Lonely Genehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_how_can_an_introvert_teach_her_kid_to_make_friends.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I hope those in the Northeast corridor have milk, bread, and toilet paper enough for this predicted epic storm.</p>
<p><strong>Q. How Do You Teach Your Child to Develop Friendships When You Yourself Are No Good at It?: </strong>My 9-year-old daughter is having a difficult time in school. She says she has no friends and cries before and after school. Her grades are good, and she has no behavioral issues. She simply has a difficult time making friends. Her teacher says my daughter is liked by all of her classmates but seems to drift from group to group without any good friends. Play dates are seldom if ever reciprocated, and extracurricular activities have not resulted in friendships either. Unfortunately, I am not much help here since I have never had a gregarious social life and as a happy introvert have never had more than a good friend or two. Ditto for Dad. How do you teach the art of making friends to your child when you have never been much good at it yourself?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You and Dad need to look back and remember what each of you did make the connection with those one or two good friends. Then your two need to be really open with your daughter about having experienced the same struggles she’s going through, and telling her how you two coped. You can explain in age-appropriate terms that some people are more gregarious and outgoing, and some are quieter and shyer. The world needs both kinds of people! But you and Dad know from experience that the school years are hard for quieter people like all of you. Maybe you can help your daughter identify another introvert and orchestrate some get-togethers. Definitely consult with the teacher on this and see if she can help with getting your daughter into some one-on-one activities with other girls or boys who could also use a friend. If your daughter has neighbors or family members her age whom she can more naturally spend time with, nurture that. I’d love to hear from readers who themselves went through this or had kids with the same difficulty and who came up with good solutions.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Crazy in Love: </strong>I had a one-night stand. It was great! My partner was an acquaintance, and we were highly compatible in the sack. The problem is that he is now “in love.” When I tell him lust is not love, he says that sometimes you just know. I have been receiving texts and emails that echo this sentiment. I get it, but that I have a husband was never kept secret. Now, considering the “feelings,” I am nervous he is going to do something drastic, like show up at my door. He is clearly sensitive and is a good person. I need a way to get rid of him before things escalate!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>As you’ve discovered, releasing Eros is a dangerous game, especially if your partner does not have as much to lose as you do. You need to make clear to him that this was a delightful interlude from the regular life of the two of you, but it cannot be repeated. You remind him you are married and intend to stay that way, and that you need him to stop contacting you. I have often said that a one-time, never-to-be-repeated straying from the marriage is something the guilty party does not necessarily have to disclose. Not because I condone cheating, but because confessing may make the cheater feel better while uselessly damaging the happiness of the spouse. This does not seem to be your case. You’re glad you cheated on your husband! However, your paramour is indicating he’d like to smash up your marriage. So you need to get in front of this and tell your husband what you did. You certainly don’t want him to hear it from the acquaintance with whom you were highly compatible in the sack—but clearly highly incompatible in life.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Living Arrangement Stress: </strong>I am engaged to marry a wonderful man later this year. My dilemma is this: I am not comfortable in his home, which I will have to move into later this year. He is divorced, and the home that he owns is one that he has shared with his ex-wife and other past relationships. We have agreed to do an addition of a new master suite on the home, which will require a sizable loan that I am willing to co-sign on, but I worry that, even having a space that will be “just ours,” I will still never feel like it is completely my home. How can I stop feeling like this house is just a revolving door of my soon-to-be-husband’s ex-lovers? Selling the house is not an option because it is part of a piece of property where his business is located.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You have had no trouble taking advantage of the experience your lover gained by practicing his skills on previous women. As I’ve noted with similar situations, the only way he’s been able to refresh his personal, used equipment is with a hot shower, and this has been good enough for you. So please stop obsessing about there being some bad juju loose in the house just because other women were there before you. However, because you have these images stuck in your mind, instead of taking out an unnecessary loan and building a new bedroom, use some counter-superstition of your own. Walk around the house with a burning sage stick to banish previous lovers. Get a book on feng shui and redecorate following some of the principles for establishing a harmonious relationship. Count your blessings that you found a good man who is using his past to good effect for your present.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: No Friends: </strong>I was one of those quiet kids who got along with most but didn’t often have any good friends. Sometimes quiet kids need a larger pool of kids to find friends in. I would recommend that the parents start looking for non-school activities that have lots of opportunity for socializing, like an art class or a theater group or whatever other interest the daughter might like to pursue.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This is a comforting note in the long term, but hard for parents (and the child) now. I agree, though, that some kids just need a bigger pool to draw from to find that special person they click with. Other readers have suggested continuing the extracurriculars, especially if the daughter has special interests, be it art, sports, animals, etc., so that she’s more likely to find someone outside of school with a shared passion.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Poisoned Potluck: </strong>My husband and I belong to a social organization that frequently has picnics, parties, campouts, and other social gatherings. The food is usually potluck. One of the organizers let it slip in passing that one of our members has Hepatitis C. The member with Hepatitis C is one of our most devoted bakers. I’ve done some Googling on Hepatitis C transmission but I’m still not sure how safe I feel eating those cookies. Also, is it ethical for her to be feeding all of us? What if she accidentally cut her finger in the kitchen? Am I being a germaphobe? I’m having a hard time looking at these formerly happy events the same way as before.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I did some Googling myself and apparently you <a href="http://www.cdc.gov/hepatitis/c/cfaq.htm#cFAQ31">missed this from the CDC</a>: “Hepatitis C virus is not spread by sharing eating utensils, breastfeeding, hugging, kissing, holding hands, coughing, or sneezing. It is also not spread through food or water.” According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, who should know, the most common course of transmission for Hepatitis C is “sharing needles or other equipment to inject drugs.” I assume your potluck is mostly about (non-pot) brownies, and as long as you’re not passing around a heroin needle for dessert, there’s nothing to be concerned about. Whoever tattled about someone’s private health condition should be ashamed. You have been happily consuming your friend’s baked goods with no ill effect. So if you’re going to open your mouth about this, do so to eat her food and praise it. Stop worrying she’s hurting you, and do not spread the news of her medical status.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: One-night stand: </strong>I see nothing in his or her letter to indicate that the husband didn’t know about this. “Cheating” and “straying” and “guilty” are loaded words that may not apply at all.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>OK, then. If this was a situation where everyone thought a nonmarital sexual interlude was a great idea, then the wife and husband should present a united front in telling the lovesick suitor to go away.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Feeling Burnt Out: </strong>My husband enjoys owning a small business and does well financially, but the hours are long and the business can be volatile. I work a corporate job that I like less and less every day due to the demanding hours and high stress, but I get paid very well (more than my husband, with benefits to boot). A nanny watches our two young children, and my live-in mother-in-law manages the rest of the household cooking and cleaning. I’m tempted to quit my job either to stay home with the kids or find an “easy” job at a quarter of my current pay. I feel guilty about missing my kids’ childhoods, and besides, my job is making me miserable. But if I quit, I’ll worry about our finances. Advice?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>People who are stressed and burnt out often see things in the kind of black-and-white terms you describe. But there are so many other options beyond quitting or earning a small portion of your current pay. You sound like a valued employee, so use that to discuss with your company some possible changes. Maybe you could work remotely one or two days a week. Or you could start taking every other Friday off. Maybe you can take an unpaid leave to see how it feels personally and financially to not be working. If you want to switch jobs, the only alternative is not finding something that will bore you and pay you poorly. You obviously have high-level corporate skills. So use those to start investigating alternatives. Talk to your contacts, especially others who have managed to cut back while continuing to nurture a career. You are suffering from one kind of stress. But pulling the bottom out from your family’s finances will cause another kind. Take several deep breaths and go at this in a careful, considered way.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Living Arrangement Stress: </strong>When I married my husband, I moved into his home that his ex-wife had picked out and that he then shared with a girlfriend after his divorce and before we were together. I felt weird about it at first (that it was “her” house), but it wasn’t practical financially to sell just to feel better about who had and had not lived there before me. After I moved in, I found it wasn’t an issue. We simply focused on our new life together, and I never had thoughts of the women who lived there before me. And that was even without sage and feng shui.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks. And others have mentioned the healing power of fresh paint, new pieces of furniture, personal objects and art, and other redecorating. But a sage stick never hurt!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Childhood Friendships: </strong>I also was on the quiet side as child with few friends. Joining my school’s drama club helped me to come out of my shell and make many friends. A child can take on a small role, or be part of the backstage crew. And drama clubs often welcome quirky people of all types.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Good idea about drama club. Any kind of club: music, chess, etc., can allow a kid to get to know others while engaging in activities that take off the social stress.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Child Friendships: </strong>She should get her daughter involved with Girl Scouts—9 is the perfect age, and as a scout leader myself I’ve seen shy introverts come alive doing service projects and playing games with their friends.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Another good suggestion, thanks.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_our_baby_interrupts_our_sex_at_night.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<u></u></em></strong></p>Mon, 26 Jan 2015 20:07:18 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_how_can_an_introvert_teach_her_kid_to_make_friends.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-26T20:07:18ZPrudie advises an introvert who wants to help her daughter make friends at school.LifeHelp! How Does an Introvert Teach Her Kid to Make Friends?100150126005Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_how_can_an_introvert_teach_her_kid_to_make_friends.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40008610990013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_26_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_how_can_an_introvert_teach_her_kid_to_make_friends.html">Click here for Part 1 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 26 Jan 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_26_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-26T17:00:00ZFor Jan. 26, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150121020adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_26_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeShe Had Him Firsthttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_husband_goes_on_road_trips_with_his_mother.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_26_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> I am in my late 20s and have been married to a wonderful guy “Dave” for three years. He and his mother have always had a very close relationship (which I think is great), especially when it comes to their mutual love for a local professional sports team. They have a tradition of going on trips to see their team play away games.&nbsp;This went on even after we began dating, and is continuing now that we are married and have our own home. I think it’s extremely bizarre for a married man in his early 30s to still be taking trips with his mother and sharing a hotel room. He has been on three trips with her in the six years that we have been together. (I was invited only once.) I have expressed to both of them that I don’t think it’s appropriate that these trips are still taking place, and I was basically shrugged off. (His father doesn’t seem to see any problem with it.) Now they have another trip coming up, which they booked without consulting me.&nbsp;I have no problem with their attending a few home games per year together, but I think it’s time that these overnight trips came to an end. I definitely don’t want this continuing once we have children. Should I put my foot down, or should I just accept that this a tradition that is going to continue despite my efforts to put an end to it?</p>
<p>—Starting to Feel Like the Other Woman</p>
<p>Dear Starting,<br /> This indeed is deeply disturbing—not the trips themselves, but your implication that something untoward, even incestuous, is going on between your husband and his mother. If this is what you believe is taking place, then you owe it to your unborn children for them to remain that way until you get a divorce and find a husband not in a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000ICXQXI/?tag=slatmaga-20"><em>Psycho</em></a>-like relationship with his mother. But despite your vague insinuations, I don’t think even you think that’s what is going on. In the time you’ve known your husband he and his mother have gone to see their favorite team play an away game every other year. So what? They have a passionate attachment to a sport that you apparently don’t share. Given your attitude, it’s no wonder they only extended a request for your company once. I agree it’s inconsiderate for your husband to announce his upcoming departure without talking to you beforehand. But I hope you can see that he wanted to avoid listening to your unreasonable demands. Without an additional list of bizarre behaviors that would bolster your case that an intervention is needed, I don’t see the problem. You even say you’re glad he and his mother enjoy each other’s company. So to ensure that Dave continues to enjoy yours, stop your foul objections, and join your father-in-law in wishing them a fun trip that ends in victory.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,&nbsp;</strong><br /> My husband and I are expecting our second child around the end of June. We are also planning a big move this spring to a new city to be closer to my family. We are both excited, but my husband will have to give up most of his freelance career in New York—although he will travel occasionally. One of his biggest jobs of the year lasts four days and comes at the end of June and he wants to accept because it’s a lot of money, which we could use. (I’m the main breadwinner and he’s the main child care provider.) But I’m concerned he could miss the baby’s birth or the first few days of our child’s life, given my due date. On the one hand I am incredulous that he would be willing to miss such an important family moment. On the other, I don’t want to deprive him of a big job when I know that they will be few and far between, and he's making a big career sacrifice to be nearer my family. I suggested he line up a possible replacement, but he is a perfectionist and doesn’t really have someone he trusts to fill in for him. Should I let him accept the job and possibly miss the birth of our second child or try to convince him I need him next to me and that he should turn it down?&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Labor Dilemma</p>
<p>Dear Labor,<br /> It’s hard to imagine your husband laboring away on a freelance project while you’re laboring in the maternity ward. No one knows how a birth will go, and the father just has to be there except for unavoidable circumstances, like being deployed in the military. It’s also hard to imagine your husband feeling good about missing his child’s arrival, and not being there to support you, for a freelance project, however lucrative. It’s possible that when planning his or her appearance, the baby might take both your needs into consideration, but newborns are notoriously uncooperative. Since this is a recurring project and your husband is a known quantity to the employer, he needs to talk this out with them. Maybe there’s a way he can oversee the planning with the understanding this year that would mean he has to have a well-trained assistant on-site while he remains available remotely. If the baby arrives before the job and all is well, let him go for a few days while&nbsp;your family helps you out. But he and his employer may conclude that this year he just can’t do the job, but that your husband should stay in touch and hope to get the gig back in 2016. You both have major projects in the works, but the one he started with you has to take precedence.&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I work for a small affiliate of a large, nationally-known nonprofit. We have fewer than 10 employees and are often short on volunteers, so I put in many hours of volunteer time. The problem is that my family is expected to help out as well. They do not like my boss because she can be rude and makes them uncomfortable. Though they support what we do, they are reluctant to participate if she is around. One of my roles in the organization is to be the “nice face” and smooth things out with donors, volunteers, and clients, but often she is rude to me as well. We live in a small town and all of us are involved in community projects, so their absence is conspicuous. How do I explain to my boss that my family is unwilling to help without hurting her feelings?</p>
<p>—Don’t Want to Hurt My Cause</p>
<p>Dear Hurt,<br /> If you work for an organization that, say, collects blood, I’m afraid your boss has to understand even that does not give her the right to drain you dry. Nor does your employment give her dibs on what flows in the veins of your family members. It would be ironic if you worked for a group that fought abuse, because you need an intervention yourself. Horrible bosses show up everywhere, but my inbox shows a preponderance of them are do-gooders by profession. The work required to make the world better seems to attract people with a gift for making the lives of the people around them worse. Explain to your boss that your family members do not work for your organization, so you cannot require them to attend your events. You’ve also got to stop the unpaid labor. It’s one thing if your organization does a couple of major events at which everyone is expected to pitch in. It’s another if your work week is expected to encompass all your free time, for free. Since one of your duties is to save the organization by keeping everyone important from stomping off because your boss offends them, you have an obligation to inform headquarters of the peril your affiliate is in. The best thing you can do for yourself, your family, and the cause you believe in is to have someone competent put in charge.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> In 2013 my mom died at age 87, and my dad died recently at age 94. They were both deeply loved, and since our extended family is spread far and wide, we have set a date for a joint memorial service for this April. I am the only family member who lives in the city where this will take place, and I want to open my home as a place for everyone to gather and visit. However, I have one brother and his wife that have made it clear that I would never be welcomed in their home because they do not approve of my “lifestyle.”&nbsp;I have had a same-sex partner for over 10 years, and they have never recognized him at all, ever.&nbsp;My dad, who lived with us until the end of his life, loved my partner as he would one of his sons. Even my ex-wife, who will be attending, accepts my partner as part of the family. I will not disrespect my partner and have them in my home when he is not welcome in theirs. So, do I have a gathering at our home and tell my brother and his wife they are not welcome, or do I just not plan to host anything and avoid the drama?</p>
<p>—Don’t Darken My Door</p>
<p>Dear Don’t,<br /> Please don’t let these bigots in any way dampen the celebration of the lives of two beloved and loving people. Fortunately, this brother and his wife are outliers. Your father embraced your partner as one of his own, and it must have been deeply distressing to him to see his other son behave in such a repugnant way. You must have the reception. I understand why you’d want to tell your brother and his wife that they are unwelcome at your home, but I think you should perform some emotional jujitsu on them by not doing what they’ve done to you.&nbsp;Barring them may not even be even be necessary; they may decide on their own not to come. If so, great. But if they do show up, I think you and your partner should take a deep breath and welcome them. They know the rest of your family finds their stance unacceptable, so they will be the ones on notice. As long as they behave politely, show them where the refreshments are and then have little interaction. If they do say rude things to you or your partner, then ask them to leave. It’s a long shot, but this event might be the kind of turning point that causes hateful people to re-examine their assumptions.&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_wife_no_longer_likes_sex_after_cancer_treatment_so_i_cheated.html">Desperate Liaisons</a>: My wife hasn't wanted sex since her mastectomy. So I ended up sleeping with a man.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_father_won_t_make_a_will.html">No Will, No Way</a>: My father refuses to plan his estate. Is he just being selfish?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_missed_out_on_everything_by_having_a_kid.html">Wonder Years</a>: I’m 28 and love my daughter. But shouldn't I be having more fun at this age?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_father_gave_himself_lung_cancer_by_smoking_he_deserves.html">Dying Light</a>: Lung cancer is killing my father, but I’ll never forgive him for smoking.”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudie_my_friend_s_laugh_is_awful_can_i_tell_her.html">You’re Such a Riot</a>: In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on how to tell a friend she has an annoying laugh.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_get_pregnant_but_i_am.html">A Little Bundle of Fear</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman terrified by what her husband will do when he finds out she’s pregnant.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_i_m_gay_i_m_married_and_my_husband_wasn_t_invited_to_a_family.html">Keeping Things Straight</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a man whose husband wasn’t invited to a family wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_son_s_public_school_teacher_proselytizes_her_christianity.html">One Classroom Under God</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a parent whose children feel pressured at school to become Christian.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 22 Jan 2015 13:29:15 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_husband_goes_on_road_trips_with_his_mother.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-22T13:29:15ZMy husband goes on road trips with his mother.LifeHelp! My Husband Goes on Road Trips With His Mother.100150122002Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_husband_goes_on_road_trips_with_his_mother.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40008610990013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeThe Right to Bear Arms?http://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_right_to_bear_arms.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a woman who wants her ex-military boyfriend to get rid of all of his guns if they get married and have children.</p>Wed, 21 Jan 2015 23:11:28 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_right_to_bear_arms.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-21T23:11:28ZI want my boyfriend to get rid of his guns if we move in together.VideoHelp! I Want My Boyfriend to Get Rid of His Guns if We Move In Together.100150121018Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_right_to_bear_arms.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t400086109900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t40008610990013926365990001Video still by Slate.No Boys Allowedhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_want_a_bridesman_in_my_wedding_party.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. My Fianc&eacute; Wants to Veto My Bridesperson!: </strong>I want to include my best friend “James” in my wedding party as a bridesman. But my fianc&eacute;, “Mike,” doesn’t want me to have a bridesman, only bridesmaids. He says it “isn’t traditional.” But Prudie, Mike and I aren’t traditional, either! Mike has never had a problem with James before, and I don’t think it’s a matter of jealousy, because James is gay and will soon be married to his partner. I’ve told Mike I’d have no objection if he wanted a groomswoman, but he says he doesn’t want one and therefore I shouldn’t have a bridesman, either. But I would feel horrible if I couldn’t have James as my bridesman, especially since I was James’ best woman at his commitment ceremony a couple of years ago and will be his best woman at his wedding later this year. Should I push Mike to let me ask James to be my bridesman, or is Mike right? He says we should ask James to be an usher instead, but I feel like that doesn’t do justice to the place James has in my life.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I love the idea of gender-bending the traditional lineup—I just hope you’re not going to insist that James wear a chartreuse tuxedo to match the bridesmaid dresses. But no matter what I think, you have to work this out with Mike. He’s having an instinctive reaction against going against tradition, which doesn’t mean he’s a bigot. He may rightly be thinking that the bridesman will be the focus of all eyes and chatter and that will detract from your own ceremony. You and Mike are going to have many issues to hash out over your years together, so agree to sit down over this one and non-defensively hear each other out. You also have to consider the feelings of someone else: James. You haven’t said whether you’ve even broached this with him. If he’s gung-ho, fine. But he himself may be flattered but conclude such an honor would make him more of the center of attention that he wants. Whether or not he stands with your bridesmaids, you can give him a place of honor. Put him on the roster to give one of the toasts after the wedding.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Men and Women’s Post-Baby Bodies: </strong>I work in a male-dominated field, so I hear and see it all. More than one male colleague has been disappointed that they have had daughters, and more than one colleague has had unrealistic expectations of their wives’ post-pregnancy bodies (namely, that within two weeks, they’d bounce back to barely-legal teenage stripper proportions, tight and toned, no stretch marks, etc.). I am rapidly closing in on 40 and my fianc&eacute; wants kids in the worst way and often tells me how “beautiful” I would be pregnant and how “wonderful” a mother I will be. But after hearing so much negative commentary from men (that they would, of course, never actually say directly to their wives but are evidently all secretly thinking), how do I reconcile myself, my body, even my security as a modern woman with all the caveman, chauvinistic crap? Hearing what I hear, knowing that men aren’t fully honest with the women they claim to love and cherish. Should I just remain single and keep my body eternally taut/toned/stretch-mark free? What the hell is the point of marriage and family if, in less than two years, I am going to be accused of “letting myself go” and be dumped in favor of someone 10 years younger, hotter, sluttier, or whatever?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You are in the belly of the beast, but please don’t take this belly talk as some kind of gospel of what all men think. I don’t even think you should take it as gospel about what the men who are saying it think. For some reason, they consider you one of the guys, so you get an earful of ridiculous, crude, blowing-off-steam talk. So these men who supposedly are disappointed with daughters and who want a Lolita as a life partner—have they actually left their families for barely legal young women? No. I’m also concerned about your ability to assess evidence and process data. Do a mental survey of the men and women you know. You will find some women who have given birth multiple times have maintained their youthful figures. You will note some women with no children are not taut and toned. Then look around at your male colleagues. None of them have given birth, yet I am sure there are many guts slopping over belts at your workplace. You are with a good man who wants children. Whether or not you marry him or have them needs to be a decision entirely separate from the silly trash talk you overhear at work.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Which Son Takes Precedence?: </strong>We have two great sons. The older is marrying in a few months, but unfortunately the date is within a week of my daughter-in-law’s due date with our first grandchild. We have already told our older son that if his sister-in-law goes into labor, we will not be able to attend his wedding. Several of my direct relations think I am incorrect to make this decision. They point out that we were there for our younger son’s wedding and being with my older son on his special day should take priority. We feel I should be there when my grandchild is born, who is correct?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Please step away from the maternity ward and attend the wedding. You don’t even say if your daughter-in-law wants you buzzing around when she gives birth. Many women would rather have relatives arrive after the event when everyone is cleaned up and has had a chance to catch a breath (or take a first one). Your son is only going to be married once—let’s hope—while your grandchild is going to be hanging around for a long time. There is no necessity for you two to be in waiting room awaiting the birth. Obviously, your older son will not have his brother there for his wedding, but it’s ridiculous his parents are thinking of missing it, too. Tell everyone you’ll be there for the wedding. Then if there is double happy news for your family that day, the morning after the festivities, you will make a beeline for the baby.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Driving Fear: </strong>Last fall, I was in a car accident (my bad judgment, no injuries, car damaged but fixable). Since then, I’ve had huge anxiety about driving, to the point where I can’t sleep the night before I’m supposed to drive somewhere. I live in a city with very poor public transit, so opting out is not an option, and I feel silly having to get rides everywhere (not to mention it’s a pain for the other people in my life). I used to enjoy driving, and absolutely hate living with this kind of fear, but I just can’t seem to shake it. What should I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>There is a group of professionals especially for you. Please contact the <a href="http://www.aded.net/">Association for Driver Rehabilitation Specialists</a> and set up an appointment to get help. These people are specially trained to get drivers back on the road who have run into problems, be it recovering from a stroke or dealing with panic issues. If you have a kind, reassuring professional by your side, I’m sure you will be confidently behind the wheel again soon.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Which Son Takes Precedence?: </strong>The grandkid will not notice your absence at the moment of birth and will not remember it if you aren’t there. Your son will definitely notice your absence at his wedding and resent it forever. Pick one.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Also, the expectant parents will surely not only understand the grandparents absence, but I assume they will welcome it.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Parents’ Secret: </strong>My mother died recently and in doing the paperwork I found they were married a year after they told everyone else their anniversary date is. Apparently others in the extended family knew this. My parents married two months before my brother was born. When I told my dad that the paperwork I found (per his request to look for) was wrong, he got upset and said I had to ask my mother about it (a little hard now she is gone). He then said that no one was to know of this. I know if I tell my brother he would be crushed (but it might be a good payback for all the years of the way he treated us). Do I keep the secret? I always wondered why when someone got pregnant before marriage my mother never got upset. Do I just keep my mouth shut?</p>
<p><strong><a></a>A: </strong>Back in the day when out of wedlock births and even conceptions were shameful, people used the “premature baby” excuse when an 8-pounder arrived less than nine months after the wedding. But your brother would have been a true miracle if your parents had conceived after their real marriage date.<a>*</a> What happened happened decades ago. Your brother may be a terrible person, but it’s not as a result of the trauma of being born after two months’ gestation. In the grand scheme your parents’ cover-up is a trivial and now silly lie. But there’s no purpose in exposing it. Except, as you acknowledge, to say to your brother, “Nyah, nyah, Mom and Dad had to get married because she was bursting with your rotten self when they finally tied the knot.” If you have issues with your brother, deal with them directly, instead of trying to land a gratuitous blow.<em></em></p>
<p><strong>Q. A Good Problem to Have: </strong>I have what’s actually a good problem to have. I have a job I absolutely love and work in an office with three other women. The problem is that their favorite hobby seems to be complaining about their husbands. After they’ve all taken their turns they seem to think its my turn. My husband is a wonderful man who brings me coffee in bed, cooks and cleans more than I do, makes sure I have time to indulge in my interests alone, and willingly subjects himself to musicals because he knows I enjoy them. After three rounds of “my husband didn’t clean up/help watch the kids/spent all weekend with his friends instead of helping to clear out the garage like he promised” it really puts an end to the conversation when I offer up that my husband suggested we go to the art museum to see that exhibit I’ve been dying to see. This just seems to be the office culture, and I want to get along with these women, but I also don’t want to lie about how wonderful my husband is.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong><em>Wife Swap </em>is a reality show in which two married women switch places with each other. I’d love you participate in Office Swap with the woman who works among the trash-talking men. I will put aside the issue of offices being the places people go not to earn a living, but to escape from their families and complain about them. But as with the guys at the office in the other letter, the women you work with may like their husbands more than they are letting on, but it’s a relief to engage in a round-robin of complaining. You are sensitive to the office culture, so you have a delicate dance here. Instead of chiming in about your perfect spouse, maybe your comments could be more affirmations of their complaints. It sounds as if you don’t have kids, so you can say something like, “You must feel like dumping the nachos in his lap while he’s watching the game and you’re changing diapers.” If they press you about your complaints, you can make light of your perfect guy. “I just hope it doesn’t turn out my husband has a secret family stashed somewhere, because this weekend he went to the museum with me.” Also, when the marathon begins, you can occasionally find yourself having to go to attend to actual work.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: My Fianc&eacute; Wants to Veto My Bridesperson!: </strong>This last summer, my brother was my bridesman and my husband had his sister as his groomswoman. At first, my then-fianc&eacute; was totally opposed. He said, “Has it been done before?” and “What will people think?” and “That’s not tradition!” And to that end I said, “Yes, Hon, it’s been done before” and “People will think it’s it wonderful that these two have such amazing people in their lives that they want to include in this important event” and “Yup, and that’s OK, because we are making our own tradition of love and acceptance and celebration of everyone who loves us regardless of what’s under their clothes.” And FYI my husband is a military-service-person where tradition is highly valued, but he came to understand that it isn’t about gender, but rather about celebration and love.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for this. Having a reasonable discussion and acknowledging your spouse-to-be concerns is the way to go. And how nice for the original letter writer to hear this gender reversal can be done and everyone watching thinks it’s delightful.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Bridesman: </strong>I had a bridesman at my wedding nine years ago (yes also a gay close friend). I assure you, no one even noticed. He wore the same tux as the groomsmen, he just stood on my side. No big deal.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I am surprised at the number of letter writers who have done this. Universally, it worked out great and no one seated and observing fainted away.</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next Monday.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_should_we_try_for_a_third_non_special_needs_child_with_genetic.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><a></a><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>
<p><em><strong>Update, Jan. 21:</strong> The answer about the back-dated wedding was clarified to explain how much of a miracle a baby born after two months’ gestation would have been. (<a>Return</a>.)</em></p>Wed, 21 Jan 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_want_a_bridesman_in_my_wedding_party.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-21T11:00:00ZPrudie counsels a woman whose fianc&eacute; won’t let her have a man in her wedding party.LifeHelp! My Fianc&eacute; Won’t Let Me Have a Bridesman in My Wedding Party.100150121004Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_want_a_bridesman_in_my_wedding_party.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39848732730013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeChoose Lifehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_should_we_try_for_a_third_non_special_needs_child_with_genetic.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. Let’s get started.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Two Special Needs Kids—Should We Have a Third Baby?: </strong>I have two young sons, both with a rare genetic disorder which means they will not survive beyond their 20s. My husband and I want to try for a third child—this time with genetic counseling—as the idea of being bereft of children in our 40s is far too devastating for us. But we wonder at the ethical implication of having a child who will lose both her siblings while in her teens, as well as growing up with parents who will be focused on caring for two highly dependent, special needs children. Is what we’re contemplating totally selfish? I am torn and in need of an objective, third-person perspective.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Please let’s stipulate that whatever I say will just be a data point for you two in weighing this enormous decision. I am so sorry about the very hard hand all of you have been dealt. Your desire to have a child without the disorder is perfectly normal, understandable, and not selfish. I have heard from people in situations similar to yours who have said that while they deeply love their child with medical problems, they are also grateful to see their child who is free of these issues blossom. You not only need to talk to a genetic counselor about how to conceive a without this disorder, but you should turn to a support group for people who have children with genetic maladies and discuss with them what it’s like to raise a typical child while caring for ill ones. (You might also want to read the book, <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1401323561/?tag=slatmaga-20">Saving Henry</a></em>, by Laurie Strongin, a mother who faced a decision similar to yours.) You want to make sure that you have plenty of support in the coming years, whatever decision you make about another child. You need respite care and help in your long and difficult journey. That you are aware of the potential psychological pitfalls ahead for your family if you conceive again means you will do your best to address these so all of your children feel loved and cherished.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Friend Wants to Marry Me: </strong>A female friend asked me to marry her. She’s in her late 30s, and I’m slightly younger. She wants to have a baby, and wants me to be the father because of my values and because I do not already have any children. I do want to have at least one child, within marriage. Although I’m not necessarily on a clock, I wouldn’t <em>want</em> to have a child 45-plus years younger than me. I’m also fairly anxious to get married and have sex; I am a virgin, because I refuse to remotely risk having a child out of wedlock. So in some ways this seems ideal. But she says I need to commit to her soon, or else she’ll have to find someone else. I really want to say yes, but I’m not sure this is a good way to begin a relationship. I know that you got married rather quickly for reasons similar to hers, so maybe you could help.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I did get married after knowing my husband for four months—for childbearing purposes we were superannuated and realized we had to get cracking. But a difference with your case was that we were in love, and also my now-husband assured me I wasn’t taking his virginity. I don’t know if your friend is looking for a sperm donor, or a true life partner. If the latter, I don’t see how this situation will promote that. You sound like you’re someone in your early 30s who has hung on to your virginity out of fear. That, and the surrounding issues about relationships, are what you need to address before you can even consider bringing a new life into yours.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Too Sensitive for My Job?: </strong>I have more than 10 years of experience working in human resources. Recently, I’ve been working in an HR position at a relatively small company, where there is not much structure. I’ve been feeling increasing pressure to do things that are out of my comfort zone. These are things that are questionable morally, as well as legally, but I am told that “they happen all the time in the business world.” If I try to question anything, this is seen as a challenge by my manager. I’m then met with her wrath—yelling, berating me, threats of being fired, and snide comments to the point of making me cry. Several people have said that this is just how businesses work. Is this something I need to just get used to as a subordinate, and start keeping my mouth shut? Or do I have a right to be upset by the things I deal with? Am I just too sensitive for this line of work?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Checklists are all the rage for making sure the basics get covered at a workplace, so see if this one sounds like your company: Embezzling—check; back-dating documents—check; lying to clients and employees—check. If so, here’s the one item that should be on your personal checklist: Find another job. You say you have more than a decade of experience in your field and for the first time you are working at a place where things are done in a manner you’ve never encountered. That should signal to you that not the way businesses work, it’s the way your company works. It sounds dangerous for you legally and emotionally. While you get your r&eacute;sum&eacute; out there, make sure you stay within the proper side of the law, no matter what your boss screams at you.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Two Special Needs Kids: </strong>For the mother with the special needs kids—please focus on the “getting help” part should you choose to have a third child. I grew up as one of three “normal” siblings with one sibling who, even when we’re adults, takes up 90 percent of my parents’ energy and focus. It’s hard as a kid because you understand why your parents need to devote so much time and energy to your sick sibling, but it still doesn’t mean that you want that attention any less and it doesn’t hurt less when they can’t provide that. For your future third child, in addition to the childhood of being kind of ignored, they’ll then have to deal with the conflicting feelings of relief and grief (and the guilt for feeling that way) when their older siblings do pass. Make sure that this doesn’t happen and use as many resources as you have available to give you respite and help so that all three of your children get the love and attention that they deserve.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thank you for this powerful insight from someone who has lived it.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Asking About Absent Parents: </strong>Is it ever wrong to ask about someone’s absent family member if you’re just curious? My best friend (we’re both college students) always talks about her mom but has conspicuously never mentioned anything about her dad. Is there a polite way to ask about the situation, or should I stay out?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You’re right, if you’ve known someone long enough to consider each other best friends it’s strange that the standard personal items—<em>What do your parents do? Do you have siblings?</em>—have not all been ticked off. You clearly felt something verboten in the mentioning of a father so didn’t ask early on, “So what’s your dad like?” or some such. But feel free to go ahead now. Next time your friend mentions her mother you can say something like, “I’ve never asked about your dad. What’s he do for a living?” Be prepared for something awkward from your friend—maybe he died when she was little, maybe they are estranged. If she tells you that, be prepared to say, “I’m so sorry to hear that.” Then see if she wants to go with that opening or close it. If she doesn’t say more you can say, “Thanks for telling me. That must be hard. So are you interested in going that concert on Thursday?”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Two Special Needs Kids: </strong>If you have another child, be very, very careful with how you treat the concept of “special needs.” I was raised with a moderately autistic brother and was expected to be joyous about it and fit with the “special needs children are perfect and blessings” attitude my mother wanted. If I ever expressed anger at the fact that I couldn’t have friends over or that it was difficult to read when my brother would blast his television shows at top volume for hours on end while I was trying to do homework or play violin, I was called “selfish” and a “bitch.” When I finally told her I wouldn’t agree to take care of him when they died because I wanted to live my own life, she told me that I “obviously wasn’t fit for the job, anyway,” and “most people would do anything for their siblings.” If you have another child, make sure she has as much quiet as she needs, can have friends over without her siblings around, and can vent her feelings, no matter how selfish, cruel, and irrational they may seem to you.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I’m sorry you had to live the model of how parents should not do it. Yes, the burden of caring for a special needs child is a hard one, but parents cannot impose it on the other children. They have to recognize having a sibling with difficulties makes the other children’s lives difficult, too. But the letter writer sounds very attuned to making sure another child’s life would not be subsumed by the needs of the ill brothers.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Grandma’s Quandary: </strong>My lovely daughter is the mother of three small children. She is a wonderful mom in many, many ways. However, I am greatly concerned because she sometimes holds the baby in her arms or nurses her while her husband is driving! This has happened a few times when I’ve been in the car, and I’m certain it also occurs when I am not present. I know she is aware of the risk, all three kids have appropriate safety seats. I cannot believe she would take such a potentially deadly risk. Should I speak up? I happen to be a professional roadway safety advocate and she must know how I feel.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I hope that because you are a professional roadway safety advocate she isn’t deliberately flouting crucial safety rules just to play out some old patterns with you. If your son-in-law were to stop short for any reason that baby could fly out of your daughter’s arms and ... OK let’s not think about that. Yes, you have to speak up, but you must do so in your best professional, nonjudgmental manner. Say you know that when a baby is fussing in a car seat it’s just awful to listen to, but that you also know all too well the potential hazards that await driving with an unrestrained child. Say that on any given instance it is likely nothing will happen. But if something happens the consequences are too terrible to contemplate.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Too Sensitive for My Job?: </strong>The original letter writer should document and keep records of everything sketchy that she is asked to do. Write a note, date it, print it, put it in a file. Send your supervisors emails asking to confirm instructions whenever you can. If you can, document your objections. Print it and save it in your file. If these practices ever come to light, these people will lie to try to save their own behinds, and you will be left holding the bag, or hanging along with them. And find a new job as soon as you can.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Good advice, thanks. And yes, the thing she should focus on is getting out of that asylum.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/content/slate/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/Expected%20Published%20Url:%20/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_want_a_bridesman_in_my_wedding_party.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Tue, 20 Jan 2015 19:44:39 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_should_we_try_for_a_third_non_special_needs_child_with_genetic.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-20T19:44:39ZPrudie advises a woman with two special needs sons who wants a third child—with genetic counseling.LifeHelp! Our Two Sons Won’t Live Past Their 20s. Is It Selfish to Try for a Third Child?100150120011Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_should_we_try_for_a_third_non_special_needs_child_with_genetic.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39848732730013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_20_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_should_we_try_for_a_third_non_special_needs_child_with_genetic.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Tue, 20 Jan 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_20_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-20T17:00:00ZFor Jan. 20, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150114019adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_20_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeBaby Is a Secrethttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_put_a_baby_up_for_adoption_as_a_teenager_how_do_i_tell_my.html
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<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers next Tuesday at noon after Martin Luther King Day. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_20_2015.html">Submit your questions and comments here</a> before or during the live discussion. &nbsp;</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,&nbsp;</strong><br /> I was raised as part of&nbsp;a large, tight-knit extended&nbsp;family with traditional values. About 30 years ago, as a young teenager, I violated the rules of abstinence and chastity I had been raised with and became pregnant. Abortion was not a consideration and my mother insisted that the&nbsp;child be placed for adoption. She was doing what she thought best. Although I have a wound in my heart for the child given away, my life has been in many ways blessed and beautiful. My husband knows my secret past and understands what happened to me. Now my youngest child is the same age I was when I had that first pregnancy. I have raised my sons and daughters with very strict traditional values and oversight. They have made me proud in living up to and exceeding all of my expectations. Recently, while I was shopping, a stranger stopped me and told me she knew of someone who so strongly resembled&nbsp;me it could be my adult&nbsp;child. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but the mere possibility that&nbsp;my child could be close by floored me. Part of me has always hoped for a reunion with that lost baby, and the other part of me has always feared that my children would think of me as a hypocrite and hate me if they were to find out.&nbsp;I truly do not know what to do if that child tries to find me. I want them to understand I raised them as strictly as I did because I love&nbsp;them and want to spare them the pain I experienced. Should I continue to keep this secret from my children?</p>
<p>—One More Child</p>
<p>Dear One More,<br /> If you tell your children the truth and they hate you, then you haven’t done as good a job raising them as you think. I hope that amid the high expectations and strict oversight, you also spoke to them about fallibility and forgiveness. You have several issues to consider. You’re right that the shopper who approached you may just have been noting your random resemblance to a stranger. But that person might also been an inadvertent messenger, who has now let you know your child is near. So you have to consider whether you want to seek your first-born, keeping in mind he or she may not be interested in being found, or in finding you. But whatever you decide on that front, it’s time you and your husband sat down with your kids and told them the truth. Not to prepare them in case someone appears on your doorstep one day, but because it’s the right thing to do. When you talk to them, don’t be defensive or overwrought. You need to say to them there’s something you’ve kept from them for too long, but now they’re all old enough to understand its import. Say this secret has been a source of sadness and shame, and you want to free yourself of that burden. Sure, there will be confusion and shock—and great curiosity. I’m also betting that you will be overwhelmed with their support and love, and that they will appreciate your acknowledging what they’ve known all along: that nobody, including their mother, is perfect.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I recently moved in with my boyfriend of about two years. Everything has gone pretty well, except one. My boyfriend has always had a very strong libido—I have no complaints about that—but lately his desire has been over the top, and the other night he crossed a new line. I have not been as aroused lately due to some issues outside of our relationship, and it has been a little hard on him. The other night when I came to bed (he was already asleep), he woke up and, as I was drifting away, I felt the bed shake a little. I look over to discover that he was masturbating right there next to me. I told him I found it gross, and he said that most other people would just join in! Am I wrong for thinking this crosses some sort of politeness barrier? I feel icked out and don’t know what to do.</p>
<p>—Sleeping Beat-y</p>
<p>Dear Sleeping,<br /> Your boyfriend was aroused by the nearness of you, and because you’ve made clear you’re not available sexually at the moment, he decided to take care of himself. He was being both flattering and polite. I agree with him that in response to the bed tremors, you could have offered to lend a hand. Be glad that you’re not one of those women whose partner finds the Internet infinitely more gripping than her. Even people who enjoy the most robust sexual relationship can sometimes desire quick, personal self-relief. There is nothing icky about that. Living together is supposed to enhance your intimacy with your boyfriend in every way, and that means having a better understanding of his sexual desires and expression. Tell your boyfriend you’re sorry you overreacted and you’re going to work on being less prudish.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I recently finished my Ph.D., and the time has come to move onward to the next phase of my life. I want to become a university professor, so I’ll have to complete one or two post-doctoral fellowships. The situation at this point is promising, provided I keep up my current record of research and teaching.&nbsp;My girlfriend of five years, however, anchors me to one city. Alone, I could potentially go anywhere and work on the cutting edge of my field. With her, I’m stuck with a serviceable career. Her own ambitious career path likely prevents her from following me, and we’ve already been through several years of being long-distance. I feel like it might be a good time to cut things off, but I am having trouble justifying breaking up. I still love her, and it seems a cruel thing to do to for such practical reasons. But I also feel as if I should be focusing on my work and follow wherever it leads. What should I do?</p>
<p>—Heartless Academic</p>
<p>Dear Heartless,<br /> There are all sorts of incompatibilities which torpedo romances, and though it is utilitarian, geographically irreconcilable differences is a perfectly legitimate one. Both of you are ambitious professionals who want to see where your drive and smarts will take you. That’s probably one of the things that drew you to each other. Your girlfriend sounds committed to a career which limits where she can live. But after pouring all those years of study into your Ph.D., it’s nuts for you not to see where it can take you. Sadly, that might be permanently away from her. So you two need to talk this out. Explain you owe it to yourself to go to the best program you can. Then apply widely. When you find out where you’ve been accepted, see if she has any flexibility in following you there. But if what you’re really feeling is that this relationship has run its course, then to stay together so as not to appear heartless is not listening to your own heart.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My 12-year-old daughter has been invited to two birthday parties that take place a few weeks before her own birthday party. Although she is not close friends with either of the girls, she is happy to attend and bring a gift. The problem is that she does not want to invite them to her birthday party. She tells me that the two girls don’t get along with her friends. I know the two girls and I understand what she is talking about. When I told her that she should decline their invitations if she was not willing to reciprocate, she explained that she was afraid that they wouldn’t have many people at their parties and she didn’t want to make them sad. So, which is kinder: to decline an invitation when you don’t want to reciprocate, or to go and make them unhappy when they don’t get an invitation in return?</p>
<p>—RSVP</p>
<p>Dear RSVP,<br /> Your daughter is a girl with an admirable emotional intelligence. Ideally you’re right that everyone goes round-robin style to these middle school celebrations. But I agree with your daughter that it is kinder to accept their invitations and join in the festivities than to snub them because of not wanting to reciprocate. You indicate the two birthday girls have social issues. You can gently bring this up with your daughter and discuss the possibility of her making a magnanimous gesture by including them. But if she doesn’t want to do it, and is only having her closest friends, then that’s an acceptable decision. It’s important, however, that these girls are not the only ones excluded. A good general rule for school-year birthday parties is that either everyone gets an invitation or less than half do. But it sounds as if your daughter is sensitive enough to know how to be cordial to all and understands that leading up to her event the party talk should be understated.&nbsp;</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_wife_no_longer_likes_sex_after_cancer_treatment_so_i_cheated.html">Desperate Liaisons</a>: My wife hasn't wanted sex since her mastectomy. So I ended up sleeping with a man.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_father_won_t_make_a_will.html">No Will, No Way</a>: My father refuses to plan his estate. Is he just being selfish?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_missed_out_on_everything_by_having_a_kid.html">Wonder Years</a>: I’m 28 and love my daughter. But shouldn't I be having more fun at this age?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_father_gave_himself_lung_cancer_by_smoking_he_deserves.html">Dying Light</a>: Lung cancer is killing my father, but I’ll never forgive him for smoking.”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudie_my_friend_s_laugh_is_awful_can_i_tell_her.html">You’re Such a Riot</a>: In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on how to tell a friend she has an annoying laugh.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_get_pregnant_but_i_am.html">A Little Bundle of Fear</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman terrified by what her husband will do when he finds out she’s pregnant.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_i_m_gay_i_m_married_and_my_husband_wasn_t_invited_to_a_family.html">Keeping Things Straight</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a man whose husband wasn’t invited to a family wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/09/dear_prudence_my_son_s_public_school_teacher_proselytizes_her_christianity.html">One Classroom Under God</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a parent whose children feel pressured at school to become Christian.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 15 Jan 2015 12:35:45 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_put_a_baby_up_for_adoption_as_a_teenager_how_do_i_tell_my.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-15T12:35:45ZI raised my children very strictly. How can I ever tell them I put a baby up for adoption as a teen?LifeHelp! I Raised My Children Very Strictly. How Can I Ever Tell Them I Got Pregnant as a Teen?100150115002Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_i_put_a_baby_up_for_adoption_as_a_teenager_how_do_i_tell_my.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39848732730013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeCat-astrophic Choicehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_cat_astrophic_choice.html
<p>In this week's video, Prudie counsels a woman who feels she must choose between a promising relationship and her cats.</p>Wed, 14 Jan 2015 18:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_cat_astrophic_choice.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-14T18:00:00ZI have to choose between my boyfriend and my pets.VideoHelp! I Have to Choose Between My Boyfriend and My Cats.100150114004Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_cat_astrophic_choice.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t398487327300139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39848732730013926365990001Photo by Slate.Love in the Time of Cancerhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_teen_daughter_s_boyfriend_has_cancer.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Daughter’s Cancer Stricken Boyfriend Expects Too Much: </strong>My 16-year-old daughter began dating a classmate in April. Two months ago, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Overnight, he and his family came to demand a ridiculous amount of commitment from my daughter. She is expected to organize gatherings of their friends, come to appointments, and do whatever she can to lift his spirits. She feels overwhelmed by his parents’ demands, and my husband and I feel wary at how she become “the one bright spot” in his life. Thanks to movies like <em>The Fault in Our Stars</em> and <em>50/50</em>, as well as to his parents, she thinks only “bitches” dump their cancer stricken boyfriends. I worry she will implode if she doesn’t take some healthy distance from him. As a parent of someone on the cusp of legal adulthood, what should I do?&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You can understand the agony the boys’ parents are experiencing, and their desire for him to feel loved and attended to by his friends. But I agree that a 16 year-old girlfriend of a few months’ being the main source of solace for an ill classmate is a heavy burden and one that should not be imposed on her, even by suffering parents. Given the ages of the kids involved and the sensitivities, I think you and your husband can rightly step in. You two should set up a meeting with his parents. Before you do, go over what you want to say and how you want to say it, because there is something churlish in the tone of your letter you want to strictly avoid. Yes, you are rightly looking out for the emotional health of your daughter, but you don’t want to come off as expressing that the expectations they are putting on her are of an equivalent nature of his confronting a potentially lethal illness. You want to express your deep concern for their son and for them. Then you explain that you want to help spearhead an effort to organize his friends—perhaps with the help of the school—to have his classmates visit and do other things to lift his spirits. Say that you have realized your daughter is not equipped to carry so much of this responsibility alone. Then, with their permission, talk to the teachers and other parents about organizing his classmates. You also need your daughter to understand that as much as she cares for her boyfriend, she is still a girl, and he is not her husband, and there are limits to what she can do. If she needs to talk through her worry and guilt with a counselor, get her one. It’s perfectly reasonable that she needs help doing the right thing for this young man and for herself.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Mom and Dad in Love: </strong>Five years ago, I went home from a bar with a stranger. We decided to have a summer fling. Then our birth control failed, and I became pregnant. We decided to keep our daughter and raise her together, although we didn’t want a romantic relationship. Since our daughter’s birth, we have become best friends, although we always made it clear to her we weren’t going to be together like her friends’ parents. Low and behold, we’ve fallen in love. We’ve been very cautious about what to tell our daughter about our relationship. But we’ve been together for a while, and we want to get married. How do we explain to our daughter that, contrary to everything we’ve told her before, Mom and Dad are in love?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Lots of parents worry about the conversation in which they sit each the kids down and explain that Mom and Dad don’t love each other anymore. So sitting your daughter down and explaining, “Surprise, we love each other!” is a happy one to have. Your daughter is very young, and you and her father have been together for a while in a way that indicates that whatever you’ve said, you two are like the married parents of her friends. What’s most important is that you convey that you and her dad are excited about all of you living together as a family. Tell your daughter that while often parents get married first then have kids, you two are doing it in reverse order, which means she can be the flower girl at your wedding! That will be a message that should have her jumping for joy.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Family Cottage: </strong>My family cottage has been passed down to my sister and me. A bunch of legal stuff was required, mostly to make sure that my sister and I don’t end up suing each other over the cottage as my father and my aunts and uncles did. As part of the agreement the spouses were required to sign something relieving them of any right to the cottage in the case of divorce. My wife was rather upset at this and I think it was a pretty dick move myself. How can I make this up to my wife?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I don’t see the issue either legally or dick-wise with this document. The property is not something you two acquired for yourselves during your marriage. It is something that belongs to multiple generations of your family, and I would assume all the spouses understand this. They know they can enjoy the property, but I don’t see that they would have any standing to try to claim it in the event they no longer were part of the family. If you must, you two should have a private consultation with a lawyer just to go over how this codicil was not either a jibe at your wife or the strength of your marriage, but a way of protecting an asset your family wants to pass down to the next generation.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Teen With Cancer: </strong>My heart goes out to this girl and boy. I had two friends in high school who were a couple when the boy was diagnosed with cancer. He later died. It was terrible for everyone. They were really in love, and my friend was changed by what she went through—but their love was also a high school love, and no one was pressuring her to be there for him. She was by his side because she wanted to be. I truly think the kindest thing for this boy, and the LW’s daughter, is for the daughter to only be involved to the extent that she feels comfortable. She does not have to break up with him if she still genuinely wants to be with him, but she should not be going to doctor’s visits and so forth if she does not want to. I agree with your advice to have the parents step in, and have the girl seek counseling if need be. Just want to lend my support to the notion that it’s OK, and actually more kind, to step back.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>What a heartbreaking letter, and yes, I hope his parents can understand that they are asking too much. Someone else wrote in asking why should her parents have to step in and offer to organize things—that’s his parents’ job. Actually their job is to try to keep it together in order to help their son through this. The community should step up, and I’m hoping the girl’s parents can start this and that others will share the responsibility. I should have noted that high school students should not be expected to go to oncology appointments. Watching movies together, playing games, helping with homework are things the classmates can do. The parents of classmates can organize a dinner brigade and help with other daily activities the parents of the ailing boy can’t manage right now.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Charging Family for Hospitality: </strong>After my wife’s parents passed away, she and her brother inherited their dilapidated beachfront home at a popular location. My brother-in-law didn’t want to spend money on repairs so we bought his share of the house at market value and undertook major renovations. Now that the home is comfortable and modern, my BIL and his family wish to stay there frequently. I feel a little resentful of this, as he enjoys great accommodation for free after he showed no interest in contributing toward the costs. I want to ask him to pay us $500 each time he stays there (similar accommodation around the area would cost several hundred dollars per night, so he is still getting a great deal, as he usually goes for a week or longer). But my wife, who agrees he is being cheap, feels uncomfortable asking money from family. How do we bring this up with him?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Has he gotten a sweet deal! He got money for his share of the house, you two invested a lot in fixing it up, and now he is under the impression he is still a co-owner. If you and your wife rent out the property a la Airbnb, then it would be perfectly fine for you to say you’ll give his family a discount when they stay, but that you need the income to make up for the money you poured into renovating the place. If you don’t rent it out, then someone, that would be your wife, needs to tell him that he chose to get bought out, so while they are happy to have him and his family as guests occasionally, they need to ask about staying. She can explain that frequent weeklong stays just don’t work. Surely, with the money he got from you for his share, he and his family can afford to pay for their own vacation somewhere else.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Family Cottage: </strong>My sister and I inherited our family farm. Her husband knew (and we had the legal documents done to validate) that it was not his, and had she predeceased him it would have all reverted to me, and had they divorced it would have remained hers. Now that my sister has a child, if something happens to my sister her share would belong to my nephew. I love my brother-in-law, but the farm has been in our family for four generations, so we took steps to ensure that it would remain in our possession. He understood that.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>As anyone should. Thanks.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Returning a Christmas Gift: </strong>My mother received a canvas-printed photograph of my toddler nephew from my brother and his wife for Christmas. Mom loves her grandson very much, but she told me she doesn’t have room in her small apartment for this picture, and the colors also don’t really match her decor. She wants to give the picture back to my brother and his wife since she isn’t going to display it. I think that’s very rude and told her she should keep it since they rarely visit her apartment and wouldn’t know if she’d hung it anyway. Who is correct?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>She must have room in a closet or under a bed for the photo, and she surely will have notice if the family is coming to visit. Then she can take the photo out and prop in on a dresser as a prop. I agree with you that returning this particular gift—particularly while mentioning her grandson clashes with her d&eacute;cor—will potentially have unpleasant and unnecessary long-term consequences for her relationship with those she loves.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks everyone. Talk to you next week!</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_wife_s_sister_flirts_with_me_and_i_don_t_trust_myself.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Tue, 13 Jan 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_teen_daughter_s_boyfriend_has_cancer.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-13T11:00:00ZPrudie counsels a parent whose 16-year-old feels pressured to support her stricken boyfriend.LifeHelp! My 16-Year-Old Is Being Pressured to Support Her Cancer-Stricken Boyfriend.100150113001Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_teen_daughter_s_boyfriend_has_cancer.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39743279470013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeThe Last Temptation of Bobhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_wife_s_sister_flirts_with_me_and_i_don_t_trust_myself.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon. I hope everyone’s 2015 is off to a good start.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Uncomfortable Around Sister-in-Law: </strong>My wife’s younger sister has at times flirted with me, which my wife has laughed off, even when her sister said something about wanting to have my baby. Well, this sister just got kicked out by their parents, and at the moment is living with us. I’ve never cheated, but I’m not sure I can trust myself here. I am, after all, a guy. How can I tactfully express to my wife that we need to figure out something else ASAP?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You are “a guy,” which apparently means to you that even when your sister-in-law makes grossly inappropriate moves on you, you are somehow unable to take responsibility for your own behavior. You sound like quite a prize, and maybe you and sister-in-law deserve each other because you seem to equally lack a sense of self-restraint or personal responsibility. You have told your wife about her sister’s behavior, and your wife is so confident she’s laughed it off. You need to tell her this is no laughing matter. Explain that to you it’s not a joke when her sister says she wants you to impregnate her. Do leave out the part about how if sis comes on to you again, you’re just going to have to go to bed with her (you’re “a guy,” after all). Say her behavior makes you uncomfortable, but it’s frankly intolerable under your own roof. (It sounds as if your sister-in-law specializes in intolerable behavior.) Tell your wife there has to be a strict deadline for sister’s stay, and the sooner she goes, the better.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Engineer Boyfriend’s Sexual Problems: </strong>My boyfriend and I have been together several years, and we have a good sex life, but he is starting to drive me crazy because he is constantly asking me to “tell him what I want.” The problem is that I don’t like having to give step-by-step directions during sex. He is a great lover, considerate and patient, and always makes sure I’m satisfied. What I would really like is for him to be more confident during sex and to quit asking me to tell him what to do. It’s like he thinks I have some advanced sexual technique in mind that would blow my mind but I am selfishly refusing to tell him about it. For me, a great sexual experience isn’t just technique, it’s about the passion and emotion. I just want us to feel connected and for the sex to feel natural and unscripted. He is a software engineer and he thinks that there is some sexual code he can hack that will give me 10 orgasms a night. When I try to explain about the emotional part, he says that’s just “emotional stuff” that doesn’t give him with anything to work with. Please give me some advice about how to talk to him about this so he will relax.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You want your software engineer to just concentrate on the hardware. However, if he does break that 10 orgasms a night code, he should write a book, and then he can retire from being an engineer altogether. First of all, it’s much better to have conversations about what goes on in the bedroom outside of the bedroom. So the next day, if he got you out of the mood by badgering you about what gets you in the mood, have a talk. Tell him what you told me: He is a great lover and you are always satisfied. Then explain that one difference between sex and software is that sometimes there isn’t a solution that involves how Part A fits with Part B. The paradox of getting what you want in bed is that for you it’s much sexier if he just acts and doesn’t ask. Say what you love about making love to him is that it takes you out of the rational, verbal world into one of feeling and spontaneity and that you aren’t withholding any secrets from him about what you want. It could be that after several years of good sex, he’s worried you two have fallen into a rut, and he himself would like to do something more experimental but wants this to come from you. So tell him you’d like to explore. Look at some erotica (or instruction manuals, or pornography) together for inspiration. Reassure him that he’s free to try whatever, and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll let him know. Say that otherwise, one of the secrets for you of letting go is not having to say anything at all.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Bedroom Bully?: </strong>My husband and I have been married for nearly a decade. Ever since we first became intimate, he has been insatiable and rough. At first I figured it was due to “new relationship” frequency but now even after nine years, he pouts and “punishes me” by turning away and refusing to interact with me or leaving our bed if I’m not in the mood at least four to five times a week. He has no problem having sex with me if I’m not into it. I’ve even been unable to hold back tears while we have sex and he did not allow that to stop him “midway.” For the record, I used to enjoy sex much more and used to be much happier doing lots of fun things in the bedroom. But now, the thought of being intimate makes me want to run for the hills.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>And here’s the man who’s the opposite of that sensitive software engineer. Your husband is a brute, one who only cares about his pleasure, and is abusing you in bed and out. It’s one thing to complain about a selfish lover, it’s another to have a lover who fails to notice you’re weeping during sex. You do not mention any other aspects of your relationship that are keeping you in this marriage. If you are free to run for the hills, then I think you should have run long ago. If you have children and aren’t ready to call it quits, you tell him that his behavior is destroying your marriage. Tell him you two need to see a therapist immediately, and if he won’t go with you, you’re going by yourself. In the meantime, let him know that your sex life is on hiatus because you will no longer allow him to force himself on you. Let’s hope he understands the meaning of “No,” for an answer.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Guy and Sister-in-Law: </strong>Cut the guy a break. He wants to do the right thing, has asked his wife for help, and she’s laughed at him. If someone asks a spouse for help resisting a temptation, be it food, alcohol, or sex, and the spouse belittles or demeans the person, the problem goes beyond the tempted person. So yeah, he should insist on getting the SIL out quickly. But he’s doing the right thing, and both you and his wife are busting his chops. What gives?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I just see a big distinction between, “Please stop buying potato chips, I can’t keep my hands off them” and “If you don’t kick out your sister, I’m going to have to have intercourse with her.” It would be one thing if he said the sister-in-law understandably made him uncomfortable with her gross boundary crossing and he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. It’s another to say, “Hey, if she flirts with me again, she and I are going to end up naked in the guest bedroom.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Should I Tell My Husband I’m Recovering From a Drinking Problem?: </strong>I am a happily married woman who was, until recently, a closet alcoholic. I hid my escalating drinking from my husband and family for over two years. Last month I hit a breaking point and decided to stop cold turkey. I went through the withdrawals, anger, and depression by myself because I was too embarrassed to tell my husband how dependent (and sneaky) I was. Now I am 34 days sober and I feel better than ever. My dilemma is whether to tell my husband about my issues with alcohol or just let it slide because I’m on the road to recovery. I was consumed by embarrassment over my dependency before, and now the thought of telling anyone about my recovery still consumes me with anxiety. I come from a family of strict teetotalers and my husband barely drinks at all so the question of why I’m not drinking will never come up.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Good for you for being sober for a month. But I don’t see how you maintain long-term sobriety, or come to terms with your addiction, unless you actually do come to terms with it and openly acknowledge your problem, at the very least with your husband. Your shame is a toxin that will continue to harm you until you address it. There are many different programs available, and you should find one that suits you. It sounds as if you also need individual care not just for your alcoholism but for your anxiety and shame. Your husband needs to know about all this because someone who loves you will want to be part of your recovery.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Wife’s Pervy Boss: </strong>I want my wife, Penny, to quit her dream job because I think her older boss, Tate, is in love with her. He buys her ridiculously well-thought-out gifts for no real reason at all. He has told her she’s the most amazing person he has ever met. He has said, “Where were you when I was younger?” Penny loves her job and thinks Tate is brilliant, but she doesn’t seem to think his behavior indicates he loves her. I think Tate is an enemy of our marriage as well as a predator. I believe Penny would quit her job if I told her the depth of my concerns. But we would struggle until she found another job, and leaving her current one would be very difficult for her. What is the right thing to do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>What you say her boss is doing does sound like serious line-crossing, but this is for Penny to handle. It’s good she’s being open with you about what’s going on, even if she has a different take on his behavior. Instead of coming at this from the perspective that Tate is going to ruin your marriage, I think you should talk to your wife about the dangers he presents to her career. Surely, other people in the office notice his behavior around her. That makes for gossip and bad feelings. She needs to put the kibosh on the gifts and the inappropriate comments. What’s most important is that you don’t put your wife on the defensive about this but that you two continue to be able to discuss this without her feeling pressured on both sides by the men in her life. Your confident analysis should help her see that her boss is behaving unprofessionally and his doing so is not good for her personal or professional life.</p>
<p><strong><em><a>Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Mon, 12 Jan 2015 20:26:01 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_wife_s_sister_flirts_with_me_and_i_don_t_trust_myself.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-12T20:26:01ZPrudie advises a man who doesn’t trust himself with his wife’s flirtatious sister.LifeHelp! My Wife’s Sister Flirts With Me, and, Well, I’m Only a Man.100150112005Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_wife_s_sister_flirts_with_me_and_i_don_t_trust_myself.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39743279470013926365990001Photo by Teresa CastracaneEmily Yoffe.Dear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_12_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_wife_s_sister_flirts_with_me_and_i_don_t_trust_myself.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 12 Jan 2015 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_12_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-12T17:00:00ZFor Jan. 12, 2015.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150107013adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_12_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeThe Old College Sighhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_son_is_floundering_at_college.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jan_12_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My son is a sophomore at an elite liberal arts college. College started out well, but he has been on a downward trajectory caused mostly by lack of sleep, poor time management, and bad decision-making. (Drugs and alcohol don’t play into this.) He finished this semester with two incompletes. Although he says that he intends to make changes, my son has shown little to no inclination to do anything to improve. He performed superbly in a rigorous high school program, but he sees the students around him sleeping little and being completely overcommitted. My son requires more time to complete his assignments, needs plenty of sleep, and becomes anxious when the work piles up. He has the maturity of a middle-schooler and my wife and I are at our wit’s end. We don’t want to continue funding his college education until he decides to make some meaningful changes. Our son is adamantly opposed to taking a leave of absence, yet his performance has degenerated despite numerous warnings and ultimatums. We think he should get a job, perhaps take a class or two at a local college, and mature a bit before continuing his education. We don’t think he belongs at college, but we don’t think we can survive with a belligerent 19-year-old at home. What are your thoughts?</p>
<p>—To Yank from College or Not?</p>
<p>Dear Yank,<br /> Before you impose a plan on your son, you need to have a better idea of the cause of this slide. He’s at the age when many significant mental disorders first emerge. Perhaps his sleeplessness and inability to complete his work are signs of something that needs diagnosis and treatment. Your son is also at the age when young people who have been carefully managed by their parents are set loose to make their own decisions, which unsurprisingly can be bad ones.&nbsp;I have the sense that you and your wife closely monitored your son while he was at home—your supervision may even have been key to his getting into a competitive school. But now that’s he’s there, he lacks internal discipline and might be intimidated by his dazzling classmates. Your son has messed up and wasted a bundle of money, but surely he’s as miserable as you are about this spiral. So you need to have some calm, understanding discussions about what’s going on. It’s possible a job and classes at a less demanding school could be the break he needs; it might also make him feel like more of a failure. He says he wants to stay in his college, but that might not be possible if he continues to bomb out of classes. Ask him if he is willing for the three of you to meet with an administrator (by Skype if necessary) to come up with a plan to help him turn things around. You say your son lacks maturity, but imposing your solution on him against his will is likely to provoke rebellion rather than reflection. And when you talk to him about what’s going on, you and your wife should tell him about the times in your lives when you each were at sea, and how you managed to get back to shore.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am a thirtysomething female engineer who cannot stop laughing. Whenever I have a work conversation or an interview I chuckle throughout the conversation no matter the topic. This is harming my work relationships because people feel I am not taking them seriously. My dad is the same way. I would say it is partially nervousness except that I also do it with close loved ones. I have had a work discussion go like this: “Are you laughing because you think it’s funny that my land rights are being litigated?” And I reply: “No, I am laughing because it is so terrible.” Is there a short-term behavioral therapy that might help or something easy that could help in work situations? I don’t want to erase this feature; I like laughing and I think my friends understand.</p>
<p>—Enthusiastic Engineer</p>
<p>Dear Enthusiastic,<br /> It is impossible to make the case that “Did you hear the one about the land rights litigation?” is a knee-slapper. You’re right you have an issue that indeed needs addressing. Occasionally I hear from people who can’t control their tears at work (and stop writing to me Speaker Boehner!). When someone cries on the job inappropriately, it makes the other person feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When someone laughs on the job inappropriately, it makes the other person feel annoyed and mocked. This is not the impression you want to leave with colleagues and clients. Given your father’s similar tendencies, you likely have a double-whammy of nature and nurture acting on you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get this habit under control. Since you are aware of your tendency, focus on redirecting it. When you feel one of these chuckles rising, instead of letting it out, start squeezing your thighs and gluteus. This will be undetectable and have benefits for your muscle tone. If that doesn’t work, then seek out the services of a cognitive therapist who will help you with a program to tame this habit. Your friends may be understanding of your indiscriminate solo giggling, but think how much more delightful it will be if going forward, most of your laughter is followed by the sound of others joining in.</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> Two years ago, my mom was in a tragic accident on her way to work. She fell down the stairs at a train station and suffered a traumatic brain injury. She entered a coma while in the hospital and is now in a persistent vegetative state. Her doctors say there is no hope for recovery. Unfortunately, my mother did not discuss end-of-life treatment options with anyone, and my father refuses to consider the withdrawal of her feeding tube. Two years later, I have worked through most of my grief and consider my mother to have died shortly after her accident. But I find myself unable to address the issue of my mother with new friends. I am also not interested in discussing the particulars of her prognosis or my family’s conflicts in this matter, and legally my mother is not dead. Any suggestions on how I talk briefly about my mother’s current state without having to leave things open for discussion?</p>
<p>—Still Loves Mom</p>
<p>Dear Still,<br /> Here’s a New Year’s resolution for everyone: Have that discussion with loved ones about your final wishes. It’s hard to believe that given the choice anyone would want to be kept in the endless limbo you describe. I hope that someday soon you will be able to reopen with your father the subject of letting your mother go, freeing her, as well as the rest of you. As for your question, I once had a hairdresser in the same situation. Her father had been struck by lightning on the golf course several years before and had been in a vegetative state ever since. This came up during the kind of casual conversation you dread. I admired the way she told the story in a few sentences. She explained his accident, said he was in a nursing facility, that there was no chance of recovery, but that her mother wanted to keep him alive. I expressed my condolences, and we moved on. You could tell new friends your mother died, but I get the sense that you wouldn’t feel quite right about that. Instead, you can tell this sad story succinctly, including the fact that you feel you lost her that day. Then you make the next conversational move. If you wish to end the topic, say, “I know you weren’t expecting that, so let’s talk about something else,” while having that something else in mind. You will be conveying that you’re able to mention your mother without terrible distress, but that her situation is something you talk about only with those closest to you.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I have two wonderful friends whom I have known for a number of years. Our kids went to school together and we have been like family.&nbsp;But things changed since my friends’ daughters had children. My children have not yet married or had children. The grandmothers now exclude me from almost all social events, and I usually find out afterward when one of them mentions it. When I try to contact them regarding a night out or event that I am planning, I am told that they need to babysit their grandchildren and can’t make it. One told me that I don’t understand because I am not a grandmother. When we do get together, all talk revolves around their grandchildren. Am I right to feel hurt? I truly care for my friends and their children, but they act like they belong to a secret society and are the only members. At this point, I am tired of trying to continue this friendship. Please help.</p>
<p>—Not a Grandmother Yet</p>
<p>Dear Not,<br /> This is something to look forward to: diaper obsession, redux. It’s true that some new parents become so subsumed in their baby’s life that they lose touch with friends who can’t discuss lactation or language acquisition. Usually this settles down as people find that while parenthood is a central thing in life, it’s not the only one. So it’s discouraging to hear about new grandmothers wanting to play this out again decades later and to such a degree that they refuse to socialize with a dear friend just because her children haven’t reproduced. It would be hard to feel anything but excluded and offended: They not only are cutting you out, they have expressly told you that you can’t understand their new phase of life. I suggest bringing this up explicitly. Ask for a brief meet-up during the day that shouldn’t interfere with their granny duties. Let’s hope these two can get free from the nappies long enough to come to brunch at your house or join you somewhere for coffee. Then, at some point during the get-together, say that you understand having grandchildren must be glorious, but you’ve been missing them and would like to be in better touch. Then it’s up to them to put in a better effort. If they can’t even find time to have this conversation, then for your own sake, start socializing with people who don’t suffer from grandmother monomania.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_m_a_widower_in_love_with_my_late_wife_s_sister.html">Keeping It in the Family</a>: How do I explain to people I’m marrying my late wife’s sister?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_we_want_to_buy_a_murder_house.html">Three Beds, Two Baths, One Body</a>: We’ve found the perfect house. Only problem: a woman was murdered there.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_m_accused_of_sending_penis_photos_to_a_woman.html">We Have a Weiner</a>: A woman I briefly dated is telling people I sent her crotch shots. But it wasn’t me!”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_can_i_say_no_to_sex_but_yes_to_business_with_my_hookup_pal.html">Performance Review</a>: I’ve been sleeping with an older man in my field. Can I ask him for career advice?”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/help_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_expose_his_affair_but_i_think_i_should.html">He Oughta Know</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman determined to reveal her husband’s affair to the partner’s spouse.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_are_teeth_grills_in_fashion_for_everybody.html">Can’t Bear His Grin</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose husband got a gold and rhinestone grill for his teeth.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_in_laws_want_to_exclude_my_father_a_burn_survivor_from.html">Keeping Up Appearances</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose future in-laws don’t want her burn-victim father at the wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_can_i_tell_my_son_s_girlfriend_she_has_to_wear_a_bra.html">The Hills Are Alive</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman on whether to tell her son’s busty girlfriend she should wear a bra.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Thu, 08 Jan 2015 12:30:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_son_is_floundering_at_college.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-08T12:30:00ZMy son is floundering at school. Should I withhold his tuition?LifeHelp! My Son Is Floundering at College and It’s Driving Me Batty.100150108001Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_my_son_is_floundering_at_college.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39743279470013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeBeer-Fueled Blowhardhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_beer_fueled_blowhard.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a man whose husband turns into a name-dropping nightmare when he drinks.</p>Wed, 07 Jan 2015 17:44:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_beer_fueled_blowhard.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-07T17:44:00ZMy husband starts to brag after a few drinks.VideoHelp! My Husband Starts to Brag Endlessly After a Few Drinks.100150107006Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_video_beer_fueled_blowhard.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t397432794700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39743279470013926365990001Goading Grannyhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_fat_shaming_grandma_is_on_her_deathbed.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s <strong>Slate </strong>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. My Son Adores His Plus-Size Wife, and My Mother Despises Her:</strong> My mother has always had an unreasonable dislike for excess weight. She hardly eats and harangues her daughters and daughters-in-law each time they have a baby to lose the weight immediately. Three years ago, my eldest son brought home his bride-to-be, a sweet, lovely, voluptuous girl. My wife and I loved her instantly, but we worried about my mother’s reaction. Sure enough, she made some comments, to which my son calmly replied that if she was not polite to his beloved, she would not be invited to the wedding. My mother was furious, and my son ended up having a destination wedding to avoid the drama. Though we see my son and DIL regularly, he has not spoken to his grandmother since. They spend holidays with my DIL’s family. My mother will not promise to hold her tongue about my DIL’s “horrid fat.” In desperation, I at one point offered to pay for a personal trainer or even gastric bypass, but that only led to a huge argument with my son. Now, my mother has cancer and just months to live. I would love to have one final family gathering with every member in attendance, but my son will not attend without his wife, and he will not bring her if it means she will be subjected to unkind comments. I can’t persuade my mother to change her ways, but is there something I could say to my son to convince him to suck it up this once for the sake of family harmony and good memories?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>The memories aren’t going to be good if on her deathbed Grandma opens her eyes, looks at your son and his wife, and says, “At least in heaven, everyone is thin.” Your mother has a mental disorder and unfortunately, she likes to try to impose that on the other women in her family. I hope most of these women have been able to roll their eyes and dismiss the sick and cruel talk from your mother. You say you recognize how awful she is, yet, in order to mollify your mother, you offered to pay for a gastric bypass for your daughter-in-law? Dad, you’re lucky your son still speaks to you. You can apologize to your son and say that you know your mother has had a lifetime problem, but her life is coming to an end, and you’re making one last request that he make an appearance by her bedside. If he won’t, you let it go, because he is entitled to say that his grandmother has crossed a line in a way that means he has had to cross her out of his life.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. My Parents Hate My Boyfriend: </strong>I am a 27-year-old woman who has been in a wonderful relationship for the past year. The problem? My parents despise my boyfriend. He is (among their objections) of mixed race and from a lower-middle-class family. Any attempts to raise a discussion with my parents end in arguments. They want me to break up with him and find someone more suitable with a similar family background to mine. I continue to hold my ground, but it breaks my heart to be at odds with my parents. I am Chinese, and so I am expected to obey my parents. My boyfriend doesn’t know about this. Is there a way forward with my parents, and should I tell my boyfriend?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I often hear from people who are children of immigrants who are being pressured to live up to cultural expectations from the old country. But if the old country was so great, what are the parents doing in the new country? You have to politely stand up to your parents. You tell them if their main goal in life was your finding a traditional Chinese husband, they made a huge error by raising you in the United States. You explain this diverse society has—to your delight—brought your way a wonderful young man whom you love. You tell them they don’t have to love him, but they have to treat him with courtesy and respect, and if they can’t, unfortunately that means you will be making yourself scarce.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Repay an Ex?</strong> A couple years ago my now ex-boyfriend loaned me a large amount of money when I was in a tight spot. He gave the money without my asking; there was no contract or terms of payment discussed. I told him I would eventually pay him back, but he also said he realized that when giving me this money he might never see it again. I cut him out of my life a year ago because our six-year on-again/off-again relationship was not giving me what I needed in a partner and making me miserable. I feel so much better with him out of my life, and I often joke that the money he loaned me is an A-hole tax. However part of me feels guilty. Prudie, should I just let this go as a lesson for both of us, or do I eventually approach him to discuss repayment?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You haven’t heard from him about the money, and he gave it to you as a loan but with the understanding it could be construed as a gift. So payback is in your court. Whatever you decide to do, I don’t think you should open up discussions with someone you no longer want to speak to. You need to consider what you feel is your moral obligation, and if that means paying him back, you save the money until you can do it. Then you simply send him a check with a note explaining that you wanted to clear this debt.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:</strong> <strong>My Son Adores His Plus-Size Wife, and My Mother Despises Her</strong>: There’s no family harmony or good memories when some members of the family get to be cruel and insulting and other members of the family get to “suck it up.” Accept that Mom has isolated her grandson and his wife by her own actions, tell your son that you understand, and move on.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Agreed that the grandson is taking a very justifiable stand, and the father just has to accept his mother is the cause of this estrangement.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Flirtatious Wife: </strong>I noticed over the course of several months that a buddy of mine’s wife was overly flirty, hanging around me a bit too much in social situations, a little too touchy. I recently made a comment to my wife about it. My wife told me she noticed it too and thinks this woman has the hots for me. While flattered, I assume it’s a passing crush. In the meantime, should I be avoiding her? It will be hard. We are in the same group of friends and avoiding her means avoiding most of my friends.</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> Flirting is a private language: the lowered eyes, the hair toss, the lingering glance, the playful smile. All you have to do when you’re around this woman is to demonstrate an utter inability to speak this language. You play it straight, ignore her moves, make sure you’re not alone with her, and act like you have no idea what message she’s sending. If she makes a pass or offers an explicit suggestion, you shut her down: “Madeline, I have no romantic interest in you. I will do you the favor of pretending this never happened, and it better never happen again.” Fortunately, your wife gets this, so you two can present a united front. Presumably, when the flirty wife fails to get a rise out of you, she will move on to another target.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Repay an Ex? </strong>How is it not a “moral obligation” to pay someone back who’s loaned you money? What is the “lesson” that she thinks he’ll learn from this: Don’t trust your partners?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>The ex-boyfriend has learned the lesson I often preach: Do not loan money to family and friends without being able to accept you may be giving a gift. When you loan money to your nearest and dearest, especially with no clear terms for repayment, you have a good chance of never seeing it again. I agree that paying it back is the right thing to do. But the person who makes the loan and wants it back, should make this clear. It sounds as if he has already written it off.</p>
<p><strong>Q. In Love With My Husband’s Brother: </strong>I am a 35-year-old woman with a history of abusive relationships. Then I met my husband who is kind, intelligent, dependable, and has provided for me well. Unfortunately, the relationship lacks intense physical and emotional chemistry. I decided with my biological clock ticking, and my history of chasing chemistry resulting in bad relationships, that I had to put that aside and go for a responsible relationship. My husband’s brother, “Josh,” recently returned from overseas to live in our city. My husband and Josh are close, and we all spend a lot of time together. I have fallen in love with Josh. Josh is also smart, responsible, and kind, and we have natural and undeniable chemistry. I think my husband suspects we get along a little too well. I feel I’ve met my soul mate. Nothing physical has happened between Josh and me, but a few “moments” strongly suggest that the feelings are returned. I have no idea how to move forward without tearing apart their family or ending up alone or unhappy.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>What you do is get yourself to a therapist to figure out why you need something bad in order to be excited about a relationship. Your “undeniable chemistry” with Josh is surely based on the emotional havoc that pursuing a relationship with him would wreak on everyone. Cheating on your husband with his brother may make things hot for the two of you for a little while. But ultimately everyone will get burned, and likely you’ll be the one left out in the cold. You know you’ve crossed an emotional line, but fortunately, you haven’t crossed a physical one. So stop right now. Get some help, and find out if you can be the kind of wife your husband deserves, or whether you should do him the favor of getting out of his life. And whatever you do, leave his brother alone.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Have a great New Year.</p>
<p><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_my_11_year_old_twins_sleeping_naked_together.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><em></em></p>
<p><em><strong>Check out Dear Prudence's</strong></em><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><em><strong> book recommendations</strong></em></a><em><strong> in the Slate Store.</strong></em></p>Mon, 05 Jan 2015 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_fat_shaming_grandma_is_on_her_deathbed.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-01-05T11:00:00ZPrudie advises a man whose now-dying mother enjoys haranguing plus-size loved ones.LifeHelp! My Mom Drove My Son Away by Fat-Shaming His Wife.100150105001dear prudenceadviceetiquetteEmily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_fat_shaming_grandma_is_on_her_deathbed.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa CastracaneEmily Yoffe.Overly Possessive Stay-at-Home Dadhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_husband_is_an_overly_possessive_stay_at_home_dad.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a woman who works full time and feels like her stay-at-home husband is hogging their son.</p>Wed, 31 Dec 2014 16:58:26 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_husband_is_an_overly_possessive_stay_at_home_dad.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-31T16:58:26ZMy husband won’t let me spend time with our son.VideoHelp! My Stay-at-Home Husband Doesn’t Trust Me With Our Son.100141231006dear prudencedear prudence videoEmily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_husband_is_an_overly_possessive_stay_at_home_dad.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39662727050013926365990001Still courtesy of Slate.Baggage Restrictionshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_m_pregnant_and_my_family_wants_to_cancel_our_remote_vacation.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em>&nbsp;to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to&nbsp;</em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Prudie is off on Monday and will be back to chat on Jan. 12.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> </strong>My family planned an important vacation for this coming June.&nbsp;This vacation will be in a remote location, a helicopter ride away from medical services, and it is important to us for cultural reasons. Surprise, surprise—I learned I’m pregnant, and I will be 36 weeks at the time of this trip. I asked my doctor, and she said it was pushing it to go on vacation at that time. I have already had one easy, uncomplicated birth. Also, my husband will be coming with us, and he is a doctor. My sister is threatening to cancel the vacation for everyone because she is too worried about me going. I’ve assessed the risk as minimal, if any, and in any event, I am an adult! Should my sister shut her trap and let us all go on this vacation? We’ve agreed to respect your advice.</p>
<p>—Traveling Preggo</p>
<p>Dear Traveling,<br /> Since I get to decide, you’re staying home. I hope your family will reschedule for a more propitious time—meaning that during the hike, when you say, “My water just broke!” you mean your canteen fell on a rock. Even if your husband is a doctor, you don’t want him wiping off the afterbirth with banana leaves or cutting the umbilical cord with your sister’s nail clippers. I don’t understand why your doctor hasn’t told you outright not to go, but she’s definitely expressed her concern. The airlines are also likely to express theirs,&nbsp;since <a href="http://www.marchofdimes.org/pregnancy/travel-during-pregnancy.aspx">most commercial carriers limit travel</a>&nbsp;for pregnant women after&nbsp;36 weeks, and if you’re flying internationally, the cutoff time may be earlier.&nbsp;(Full-term pregnancy starts at <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/10/22/full-term-pregnancy-definition/3145107/">39 weeks</a>.) That would put you right at the deadline. Just because you had one easy, uncomplicated birth does not mean you’re destined for another. To worry about having to call for an emergency evacuation in case baby No. 2 decides to evacuate in an untimely way is likely to undermine everyone’s pleasure during the vacation. And being 36 weeks pregnant is not the ideal time for rugged adventure, no matter what the cultural imperative. Yes, you’re an adult, but if something goes wrong, the risks aren’t minimal—they’re grave. I think you should thank your sister for speaking up; I’m thanking her for allowing me to play doctor without having to waste all that time in medical school.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> </strong>For the past five years, I’ve hosted an open house on Christmas Day. I went all-out, and even though I did everything myself, I loved every minute of it. In August I accepted a new job two states away. I threw myself a goodbye party and had 50 relatives and friends over. It was expensive and a lot of time and effort, but I love these people and wasn’t sure when I’d see most of them again. It’s been hard being in a new place alone without anyone nearby to visit on the holiday. I sent out some presents as well as a ton of cards, and by the time Christmas Eve came, I had nothing, not even a card, in return. Every one of these people knows my situation and that I am alone. Then a friend sent me a message on Facebook telling me she is “sure missing the Christmas party this year.” I lost it because all I could think was that her free ride came to an end. I’m supposed to go back at the end of January to clear out a storage space, and I am thinking I should just go and not tell anyone. What do you think?</p>
<p>—Was a Santa, Now a Scrooge</p>
<p>Dear Santa,<br /> So you had a friends-and-family holiday plan that you now see as a leeches-and-ingrates plan, but please don’t sneak into town and vow never to see these clods again. You spoiled them, and they came to expect your Christmas exertions as a tradition that spared them the effort of providing their own ham and wassail bowl. Their lack of reciprocation and their inattentiveness to you in your absence understandably sting. But you say you love these people and miss them, so don’t blow up these relationships out of a sense of pique. For one thing, Christmas cards are in decline—a lot of people think there’s no point, since Facebook allows you to know what everyone’s up to all year long. For another, if you haven’t been in closer touch, you should use social media to keep up. I don’t see your friend’s Facebook remark as someone moaning over the end of her freeloading. I think she was saying she truly missed the wonderful times at your home, which is a tribute to your capacity for warmth and hospitality. You should make an event out of your return. Ask a close family member or friend to host a potluck for you so that you can catch up with everyone. Or get a private room at a restaurant, have a buffet, and invite your (formerly) nearest and dearest—make sure they know in advance what it’s going to cost per head. You’ve got the post-Christmas blues, but don’t let that color your new year. Given your entertaining abilities, I don’t doubt that by next Christmas you’ll be throwing a memorable bash with your new friends.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> </strong>I’m an only child, and my mother and I have always been close. She taught me to take risks, try everything at least once, and encouraged me to find a husband and a career that would challenge me. I’m a happy and successful 34-year-old. My mom is 70 and retired from teaching 15 years ago. She goes shopping, visits the local art museum, takes vacations with my dad, gets her hair done, and paints as a hobby. But she is largely isolated, and it’s taking a toll on her conversation skills. Now she’s more concerned with the local grocery store being out of her favorite yogurt or an episode of <em>Dr. Oz </em>than talking about politics or art, which used to interest her. Her mother lived to be 94 and worked until she was 90, and the conversations I had with her in her 90s were more vibrant than the ones I have with my 70-year-old mother. I know she is living an enviable life, but it breaks my heart to think that the creative, ass-kicking mom I grew up with is now seemingly gone. Is there anything that can be done to bring back my much more interesting mother?</p>
<p>—Standing by With the Smelling Salts</p>
<p>Dear Salts,<br /> The life you describe your mother living is an unattainable dream for most people. She has the time and money to do whatever interests her—which by your lights is not enough. Since you two are close and she encouraged you to grab at life, I think it’s fair for you to gently encourage her to be more engaged with the world, for her good and others’, given her smarts and skills. Maybe this former teacher could spend a couple of mornings a week tutoring at a local school. Since she has a passion for art, she could become a docent at that local museum. There are endless volunteer opportunities that might challenge your mother and reignite that spark you so admired. If you have this conversation, you have to be prepared that she will feel judged and hurt—you are judging her, after all. You also can’t make it about your despair at how dull she has become. Given her mother’s longevity, she might have another quarter-century of life ahead, so tell her that since you appreciate how she always encouraged you to experience everything and take risks, you wanted to remind her of her own good advice.&nbsp;Then once you’ve brought this up, you have to let it go. Nagging your mother about how to make more of her life is only going to make your conversations with her even more stilted.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,<br /> </strong>Recently my husband and I had a beautiful baby girl. As a gift to us, my (part-time) photographer brother-in-law offered to do a newborn session. I was thrilled, as money is tight and we would never have splurged on this ourselves. He told us we could have a couple of prints and anything else would be at his cost. He had taken about 20 amazing photos of our daughter, but we picked out a few for prints. I asked if we could have the rest of the photos on a CD. He told me he normally sells that for $1,000 to his clients. I was floored. He reiterated he would order us any prints we wanted (at cost). My husband’s family sees nothing wrong with this. But it burns me up to know there are some beautiful memories of my daughter that will just sit, unviewed, on a relative’s hard drive. The more I think about it, the madder&nbsp;I get. Am I crazy?</p>
<p>—Confused</p>
<p>Dear Confused,<br /> Sure, he could have been more generous, but he was generous enough that you got a bunch of professional photos of you baby. As long as the cost of prints is reasonable, you can get more. The real problem is the amount of time you’re spending thinking about this. Your brother-in-law may be a talented photographer, but these days anyone with a cellphone can take a creditable photo of an offspring. So start clicking. Decide to take a picture of your daughter every day, and then create one of those time-lapse photo streams of your little girl growing up. When your in-laws clamor for a copy, give it to them. Focus on the beautiful baby in front of you, not a few photos of her on a hard drive.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_m_a_widower_in_love_with_my_late_wife_s_sister.html">Keeping It in the Family</a>: How do I explain to people I’m marrying my late wife’s sister?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_we_want_to_buy_a_murder_house.html">Three Beds, Two Baths, One Body</a>: We’ve found the perfect house. Only problem: a woman was murdered there.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_m_accused_of_sending_penis_photos_to_a_woman.html">We Have a Weiner</a>: A woman I briefly dated is telling people I sent her crotch shots. But it wasn’t me!”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_can_i_say_no_to_sex_but_yes_to_business_with_my_hookup_pal.html">Performance Review</a>: I’ve been sleeping with an older man in my field. Can I ask him for career advice?”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/help_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_expose_his_affair_but_i_think_i_should.html">He Oughta Know</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman determined to reveal her husband’s affair to the partner’s spouse.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_are_teeth_grills_in_fashion_for_everybody.html">Can’t Bear His Grin</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose husband got a gold and rhinestone grill for his teeth.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_in_laws_want_to_exclude_my_father_a_burn_survivor_from.html">Keeping Up Appearances</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose future in-laws don’t want her burn-victim father at the wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_can_i_tell_my_son_s_girlfriend_she_has_to_wear_a_bra.html">The Hills Are Alive</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman on whether to tell her son’s busty girlfriend she should wear a bra.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em>&nbsp;book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em>&nbsp;in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Wed, 31 Dec 2014 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_m_pregnant_and_my_family_wants_to_cancel_our_remote_vacation.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-31T11:00:00ZMy family wants to cancel our remote vacation because I’ll be 36 weeks pregnant.LifeHelp! I’m Pregnant, so My Family Wants to Cancel Our Remote Vacation.100141231001adviceDear PrudenceEmily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_m_pregnant_and_my_family_wants_to_cancel_our_remote_vacation.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t396627270500139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39662727050013926365990001Photo by Teresa CastracaneEmily Yoffe.A Year in Revuehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_following_up_with_the_best_2014_letters.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click <a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><strong>here</strong></a>&nbsp;to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to&nbsp;<a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><strong>prudence@slate.com</strong></a>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p>One of the seminal questions any advice columnist receives is: Do I tell or do I not tell? This was the dilemma presented by Wannabe-Grand who <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/10/dear_prudence_my_husband_punishes_our_children_far_too_roughly.html">wrote in October</a> about her now-grown son. As a small child, he’d suffered a serious playground accident that resulted in surgery and hospitalization. The mother was told that her son may have been rendered sterile. He was so young at the time that he had no later memory of the incident, and his mother had never been able to bring herself to deliver the potential bad news. Now engaged, he and his fianc&eacute;e were looking forward to starting a family, and Wannabe wanted to know if she should inform him or just see how nature took its course.</p>
<p>In my response, I said she had to tell. It was cruel to withhold such crucial information from a young couple and make them wonder what might be wrong, should they have trouble conceiving. Commenters were less understanding and tore into Wannabe for not spreading the word earlier about her son’s potential inability to spread his seed. A month after the column ran, I received this note from Wannabe:</p>
<blockquote>
<em>Dear Prudence,</em>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<em>I agonized over what to do, took your words to heart, and yesterday finally decided to tell him. His response was that he and his fianc&eacute;e are officially six weeks pregnant, and if all goes well, in July of next year, I am finally going to be a granny! I am both astonished and elated by this news.</em>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<em>Thank you for your counsel, and for taking a load off my mind. Although everything worked out in the end, I wish that I had taken your advice much, much earlier.&nbsp;</em>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<em>Soon-to-be-Gran</em>
</blockquote>
<p>Another recurring issue for letter writers is also a classic one: jealousy. It’s such a primal emotion, but one remarkably underexplored. In August <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2014/08/dear_prudence_video_my_husband_hired_a_sexy_secretary.html">we ran a video</a> on this subject from a letter writer who called herself Nervous at Home. She used to handle her husband’s office work, but could no longer do so because of her own full-time job and three kids. So he hired a secretary. Nervous had just found out that this woman had had an affair with a previous boss. She was worried because her husband has “the libido of a jack rabbit” and would be happy having sex five times a day—instead of the three times a week they currently shared since the kids came along and her libido had fallen off. She told her husband about her concerns and he assured her that he was not interested in anyone but her. Still, she wondered if she should force her husband to fire this woman, or get him to install a hidden camera. I answered that she wouldn’t know the personal sexual history of a replacement. What she did have was her husband’s assurance that her fears were misplaced. I said that if he were a cheater, he’d have been cheating all along. Any couple with three kids and two full-time jobs, I pointed out, should be ecstatic to have sex three times a week.</p>
<p>Two months later I heard back from Nervous. She said one day she had found on a tablet she and her husband shared a suggestive picture the secretary had posted on her Facebook page. Nervous asked her husband about it, and he apologized. She gave him carte blanche to confess any misdeeds and promised they would work on things together. He said he had never even come close to cheating, but missed the kind of adventuresome sex they had early in their relationship. She wrote, “We started doing a lot of the things we did before we got married that we both enjoyed. Things with us are great and that little nagging voice in the back of my head is completely gone and our relationship has never been better.” Her husband also decided to put hidden cameras in the shop so that Nervous could check in at any time. She hasn’t felt a need, but said the cameras were a good investment because her husband discovered that one of his employees was stealing tools.</p>
<p>I try to encourage people who are unhappy with loved ones or friends to address the issue—diplomatically, but directly. But I know that’s not easy to do. I had a <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/08/dear_prudence_my_brother_may_have_been_molested_by_our_uncle_and_now_they.html">letter in August</a> from a woman who called herself It’s Not Me, It’s You, whose dear friend had just moved into the same building, after spending much of the friendship long-distance. Turns out the closeness, once highly anticipated, was now suffocating because the friend was a nonstop talker, boaster, and one-upper. I told the letter writer to sit down over coffee and explain that while she was thrilled her friend was now her neighbor, there was an issue that needed addressing. She didn’t take my advice, but she came up with her own, brilliant, Pavlovian solution that I recount here as a public service for anyone in the same situation.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
<blockquote>
<em>I couldn’t do it. I just knew she would not take it in the spirit I hoped. So, I came up with another plan. Each time she interrupted me, I would become totally silent. I would let her talk as long as she wanted, but would make absolutely no reply. I wouldn’t even nod my head in agreement. I would just sit still with a pleasant, but not overly interested, look on my face. When she finally ran out of steam, I would say something like, “I’m trying to remember what I was talking about.” Sometimes she would go off on another tangent for a few minutes, but she started to get the point. She eventually even apologized for always interrupting. I am happy to say that, although she is still quite talkative, it has become something she is aware of and is trying to curb and our friendship is intact!</em>
</blockquote>
<p>Another constant source of questions is the blooming of childhood sexuality. In September I got <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/09/dear_prudence_is_my_11_year_old_daughter_too_young_to_masturbate_with_a.html">a letter</a> from a mother whose 11-year-old daughter had discovered mom’s “back massager.” The girl had purloined the equipment and was using it so assiduously that she came to her mother complaining that her genitals were swollen. The mother wanted to stop this sharing of the device, but without harming her daughter’s sexual exploration. I said that the mother needed to give sensitive advice about the normalcy of masturbation and also make clear that Mom’s tools were not for borrowing. I didn’t hear back from the original letter writer, but loved this anecdote from a reader with a similar situation:</p>
<blockquote>
<em>When my daughter was 13 she went to the grocery store with me. I got suspicious when we were walking back to the car because she had her own bag of stuff that she was trying to hide. I finally got it from her and found a pregnancy test inside. I panicked! She gave me a long story about how she had to get it for her friend. It was only when I told her that I was going to talk to her friend that she confessed, eyes full of tears. She had been using my vibrator and was scared that she might have gotten pregnant from it. I was so relieved that there wasn’t a pregnancy that I didn’t have much trouble talking to her about the vibrator.&nbsp;</em>
</blockquote>
<p>Whether to hide unpleasant aspects of one’s professional past from future employers is a question that comes up occasionally, and I have learned from talking to employment-law professionals that it’s better to get it out up front than to be accused of subterfuge. So when Perplexed Aspiring Nurse, a young nursing graduate, wrote in asking <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/10/dear_prudence_i_once_had_gastric_bypass_surgery_but_am_embarrassed_to_tell.html">how to handle</a> having been fired from a previous job in a doctor’s office, I said she had to cop to what happened. She’d explained to me that the job she lost was one she’d been unprepared for—and that this had propelled her to get her nursing degree. I suggested she use this to explain her firing in a way that showed her determination and desire to improve herself. Indeed that’s what she did. Readers guessed right that the form was electronic, so she had to click “yes” to having been fired, but the form also allowed her write an explanation. She got an interview, and when asked about the firing she said, “I gave her the honest answer and still spun it into the positive. [The interviewer] was very nice about it and understanding.” Perplexed Aspiring Nurse is now a practicing nurse working in an intensive care unit.</p>
<p>And then, of course, there are the family members so rotten it’s criminal. Lots of people have unpleasant family members, but many of the letters I get contain truly appalling ones. Last year I had a letter <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/02/dear_prudence_my_brother_molested_me_should_i_help_him_fight_new_sex_abuse.html">from a woman asked by her brother to be a character witness</a> in a case in which he was accused of molesting his daughter’s friend. It turns out that the letter writer herself had been molested by her brother when she was a girl! I gave the obvious advice that she could indeed testify to his character, but in a way that would not be something the defense would want to use. She declined to help him, and he was sentenced to seven years in prison. She writes, “This has been a difficult time for our family, but I believe that justice was served. I am glad that I wrote the letter. It seemed strange at the time to reach out in a public forum, but it is often difficult to find truly objective advice and your column offers this. You and your readers helped me immensely and I will always be grateful for everyone’s support.”</p>
<p>We’ll close the year on a particularly nefarious husband and high school teacher who had apparently fallen in love with a 16-year-old live-in exchange student. In March I told his wife, <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/03/dear_prudence_my_husband_has_fallen_in_love_with_our_teenage_exchange_student.html">Hope She’s Not Lolita</a>, that she had to take action: The girl needed to get out of their house, the husband needed to get out of teaching, and the wife needed to get out of the marriage. She wrote me a succinct summary of what happened after the letter ran: “The exchange student was placed with a different home and the ex and I are getting a divorce.”</p>
<p>I want to thank the letter writers, readers, and commenters for making this column possible. I wish everyone only happiness for 2015, even while knowing that since I won’t get my wish, there will be enough material to fill another year of Dear Prudence.</p>Tue, 30 Dec 2014 04:30:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_following_up_with_the_best_2014_letters.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-30T04:30:00ZPrudie revisits her most intriguing letters of 2014.LifeDear Prudence Finds Closure With Her Most Intriguing Letters of the Year100141229022Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_following_up_with_the_best_2014_letters.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeTwins in Bedhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_my_11_year_old_twins_sleeping_naked_together.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s <strong>Slate </strong>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon. I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I’m already practicing writing “2015.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. Double Trouble: </strong>I have wonderful 11-year-old twin children, “Evan” and “Franny,” a boy and a girl. They’ve had separate rooms since they were 7. In the past few months, I’ve woken up to find them in the same bed and intertwined about a dozen times. I don’t think anything is going on, but they do both sleep in the nude, and my daughter does already have pubic hair. What, if anything, should I do to discourage this? I don’t want them to have negative ideas about sex, but I also don’t want my two kids hooking up!&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You need to talk about this with them and put a stop to it. It’s one thing for siblings of the opposite gender to bathe together when little, etc. It’s another for two kids who have been sleeping separately to, at the cusp of puberty, spend the night naked in the same bed. You and your spouse need to sit down with the kids and calmly ask what’s going on. Then you need to say that you love that they’re close and comfortable with each other, but they are just too old for sleeping nude together. Explain they’re reaching puberty—and I hope you’ve had some talks with them about the changes puberty brings—and that they need to respect each other’s privacy and set some physical boundaries. You need to keep your eye on this, and if you become concerned they’re exploring sexually with each other, discuss this with a professional.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q.</strong>&nbsp;<strong>Don’t Want to Be MIL’s Retirement Plan: </strong>My mother-in-law recently told my wife that she has almost nothing saved for retirement and tearfully asked her if she could “still” move in with us when her present husband passes (which could be soon, as he’s not well). I feel like a heel, but I never agreed to my MIL moving in. My wife is an only child, and my MIL made her promise when she was little that they would always live together. I’ve raised my objections to my wife, but she says her mother is helpless and we’re her only option. My MIL is actually quite young—in her early 50s—and in good health but works part time and doesn’t make much money. Is there any way I can prevent this from happening? This definitely isn’t a situation that can be solved by creating a contract stipulating boundaries. My MIL doesn’t have any.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Apparently since giving birth to her only child, your mother-in-law’s retirement plan has consisted of being supported by her daughter. But I’m afraid promises extracted from a child who’s under emotional duress are not enforceable. However tenuous your mother-in-law’s hold on independence is, she does work and live apart from you. I hope her “present husband” (nice touch!) has some life insurance. Whatever her husband’s health status, your mother-in-law needs a comprehensive look at her financial situation so she can plan herself for her eventual retirement. Since she’s in her early 50s, she still has quite a way to go and she needs to be maximizing her earnings now in order to reap the greatest Social Security reward when she hits that milestone. You and your wife could offer to help her get some consulting through the <a href="https://www">National Foundation for Credit Counseling</a>. But you must resist the demands that she move in. If this happens, you are facing possibly living with your mother-in-law for the next three decades. If you said traditional wedding vows, you promised to “forsake all others.” In this case, you need to let your wife know what you specifically meant was “forsake her mother.”&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Mean Girl in My Medical Office: </strong>I was just diagnosed with cancer and have started chemotherapy. As part of my treatment, I need to have blood drawn every week. The lab employs a woman that I have an uncomfortable social history with. All my friends and family in the medical profession say she would never do anything to harm me, or sabotage my lab work. I say, I’m the one with cancer, shouldn’t I have a say not to have this person touch me in this most personal way? She pulled me into a hug at my last draw, pressing on my port site. Am I being unreasonable?</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> She is already harming you because when you are going for treatment, you are filled with anxiety about dealing with a specific medical professional. It is not unusual for people, for whatever reason, to not want to get medical treatment from those they know socially. All you have to do is call the office and say because of your personal history—emphasize this has nothing at all to do with this woman’s professional behavior—you need to have your blood drawn by someone who is not a social acquaintance. If they don’t accommodate you, I hope your town has another place you can go for this lab work.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Caring for Loved Ones From Afar:</strong> My husband and I currently live with my mother-in-law. We have done so for almost four years, following a health crisis on her part. Virtually strangers when we first moved in, my MIL and I have formed a wonderful bond. I’ll be finishing my degree program within a few months, and the area in which she lives is not one that my field of study (and passion), nor my husband’s, has a lot of jobs available. I want to continue to care for my MIL. I worry about her tending to her large home, and I worry about her being alone as she has no family in the area and many of her friends disappeared while she was caring for her dying husband. She is a proud and currently independent woman who will not ask us for help nor talk about any problems she may be having. How do I continue to love and help her from afar?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Here is the flip side to the mother-in-law dilemma above. Thank you for this beautiful tribute to a love that is reminiscent of the Bible’s Ruth and Naomi. Given all you’ve written, I don’t know why you can’t paraphrase Ruth’s pledge to Naomi and say to your mother-in-law, “Whither I goest, you should come.” Your mother-in-law is an independent woman who lives in a house that sounds like it’s way too much for her. She also will be lonely if she stays where she is. This sounds like a great opportunity for her to sell the house and find a smaller, more manageable place near you and her son so that you can all enjoy each other’s company for years to come.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Scared to Tell Parents About OCD: </strong>I am a college student who, after more than a decade of knowing she has obsessive-compulsive disorder, has finally been diagnosed and is now taking medication for it—but my parents don’t know. I’m divided about telling them. I have a long email drafted explaining the situation, but I still have yet to hit send. The thing is, I did try to tell them I had it when I was younger, but they dismissed my obsessive worries (albeit in a well-intentioned way) as childhood fears that I’d grow out of. I’m worried now that they might not believe me, since I have learned how to not outwardly “present” as obsessive-compulsive. However, my mom has recently started taking meds for her anxiety, so I think she may be a bit more open to the idea of someone else in the family having a mental illness. More importantly, though, I’ve noticed that my two younger siblings have started to show signs of OCD as well, and I’d never forgive myself if I knew that they had it and weren’t able to get help, like I was at their age. But I’m still scared to tell Mom and Dad because this is a big secret that only my psychiatrist and I know about.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It’s great that you’ve gotten help, and now that you have a psychiatrist, you need to discuss with her or him how to tell your parents. It’s especially important that your parents understand your diagnosis and the symptoms of OCD because this might be an issue for your younger siblings. There are going to be excellent articles and books about this that your doctor can suggest, and giving these to your parents when you talk about this—and I think this is a discussion to have in person—will help take away the stigma. What a relief it must be to have a diagnosis and a plan of action. So spend some time with your doctor going over how to have this talk with your parents. I’m hoping they will be impressed with your insight and confidence and will take to heart this important news that affects the whole family.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Bereavement:</strong> In our 20s, a group of about 25 of us became friends in a community choir group. Twenty years later we still keep in touch and see each other once or twice a year. Four months ago one friend “Harmony” passed away. “Ben,” who is not related or married to Harmony, organized a nice wake and a Facebook tribute. Now Ben won’t stop. He posts pictures of Harmony, two to three times a week. He posted pictures of the wake and specifically listed those who did not attend. He has vowed to go through all “1,500” photos he shot of the choir group and post all of the photos with Harmony in them. I’m not especially close to Ben or Harmony’s family but, outside of defriending everyone in the choir, I don’t want to be besieged by photos and tributes. If I was Harmony’s family, I would find all these reminders painful. It seems Ben has appointed himself decider of what Harmony truly would have wanted and how others should say goodbye to her.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It really is up to Harmony’s family to ask Ben to desist. What’s as painful to people who have lost a loved one is the feeling that if you don’t mention this person, the loss will hurt less. But Ben’s tributes are obnoxious, especially the list of those who didn’t attend the wake. But surely there is a technological fix for you in that you should just defriend him, or (I know this is not the accurate technical term) put him in one of those corrals for people whose news feeds you don’t want to see. You could also talk to a couple of other choir members and if everyone is feeling besieged, a small group can tell Ben that what he’s doing is making Harmony’s loss harder to bear.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Scared to Tell Parents About OCD: </strong>Fellow member of Club OCD here! I’ve had a similar experience to yours. I had serious OCD for years, but my parents never quite believed me because I quickly learned to hide the compulsions, plus did very well in school, had friends, etc. Then in college I started having panic attacks: At that point, I knew I couldn’t skirt around the issue anymore with my family. While I was incredibly anxious (what else is new?) about broaching the topic, when I did tell my mom (who I pour my heart out to the most) that I was absolutely serious and needed her help, she listened and did believe me. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but I know I underestimated mine. They were two of my biggest supporters during that rough time. And although my OCD isn’t something we talk about every five seconds, I know that if I do have trouble, I can always turn to them.</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> Thank you. It’s such a comfort when loved ones rise to the challenge and surprise you in a good way.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Bereavement:</strong> Suggest to Ben that he set up a Facebook page in memory of Harmony. The family will know where to look for the photos if and when they feel ready, and you can hide that page’s feed if that is what you wish.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This is a good idea. So too is the suggestion from several readers to mouse over your friend’s name and unclick the checkmark that says “following”—thus ending the stream of tributes.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Adrift: </strong>Two years ago my wife of 15 years was diagnosed with ALS. We continue to be soul mates despite the ravages the disease has brought (she is no longer verbal and is immobile from the neck down). I still love her but have begun to develop strong feelings for her nurse, who has indicated the feelings are mutual. The guilt is crushing me. I am a 45-year-old man, a success in my career, and should be in the prime of my life. I feel adrift. What are my obligations to my wife?</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> ALS is one of the cruelest diseases, and watching your wife slowly wither away is agony. You are in the prime of life, and it’s understandable that two years into this terrible, ultimately fatal illness, you are being torn apart by a perfectly normal desire for someone else. However, what’s happening is wrong, and the nurse, once she recognized that she was feeling an attraction to you, should not have responded positively to your feelers, but should have shut it down, and if necessary said she needed to find you a substitute. (I say all this knowing that Stephen Hawking, who suffers from ALS, left his wife for his nurse.) I understand people who are caring for a slowly dying spouse who seek the comfort of someone else while continuing to care for their loved one. But you are talking about carrying on an affair with your wife’s nurse and that’s not right. Carrying on with someone who is intimately caring for your dying wife is a violation that will taint both of you.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/01/dear_prudence_fat_shaming_grandma_is_on_her_deathbed.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><em><strong>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</strong></em></a></p>
<p><em><strong>Check out Dear Prudence's</strong></em><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><em><strong> book recommendations</strong></em></a><em><strong> in the Slate Store.</strong></em></p>Mon, 29 Dec 2014 19:35:12 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_my_11_year_old_twins_sleeping_naked_together.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-29T19:35:12ZPrudie counsels a parent whose son and daughter may be a little too close.LifeHelp! I Found My 11-Year-Old Twins Sleeping Naked Together.100141229013dear prudenceadviceetiquetteEmily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_my_11_year_old_twins_sleeping_naked_together.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t132341215100126490359001Photo by Teresa CastracaneEmily Yoffe.Dear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_29_2014.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> <strong><em>Slate</em></strong>’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/content/slate/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_my_11_year_old_twins_sleeping_naked_together.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_29_2014.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-29T17:00:00ZFor Dec. 29, 2014.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100141223021adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_29_2014.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffePrudence Callinghttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_the_best_gist_follow_ups_of_2014.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click <a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><strong>here</strong></a>&nbsp;to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to&nbsp;<a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><strong>prudence@slate.com</strong></a>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p>Thanks to Mike Pesca, host of The Gist, we now have the Post-Prudie Impact Statement. Over the course of the last seven months, Mike and I have interviewed a number of people who have written to Dear Prudence to find out if they took my advice and how they fared. Here's a sampling of these interviews (including one amazing Post-Post Prudie Impact Statement from a young man who should have listened to me in the first place!). Find out what happened to the fiftysomething widow who was going to die if she didn't get laid, the untenured professor who discovered his department chair was paying a student to have sex with him, the newlywed who discovered that at her wedding her mother was spreading false rumors that her father had molested her, and others. (I encourage anyone who has had a letter published in the column to do a Gist follow-up. Write to me at <a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com">prudence@slate.com</a> and put Impact Statement in the subject line.)</p>
<p><em>—Emily Yoffe</em></p>
<p>1. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/03/dear_prudence_is_my_boyfriend_a_freeloader_my_friends_think_so.html">March 6, 2014: My Mother Told People My Father Molested Me.</a></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> When I was in high school my parents had a nasty divorce: nasty because my mother was nasty, spreading lies, slashing tires, you name it. She never took responsibility for all the terrible things she did, but apologized generally, and we have built a decent relationship since. Or so I thought. I'm 30 years old and just found out that over the last decade my mother has been telling people my father molested me. Unbeknownst to me, she even spread this lie to guests at my wedding.&nbsp;The idea that people have been looking at me and at my father, with whom I am close, with that thought makes me sick. But when I confronted my mother, she denied everything and claimed these multiple people all misheard and are victimizing her. I don't want my poisonous mother in my life, but I also don't want her to keep spreading this disgusting lie. Is there anything I can do?</p>
<p>—Unmolested (at Least Sexually)</p>
<p>Dear Unmolested,<br /> You can take comfort in the fact that the people who were reporting the news back to you were likely skeptical about the claim, considering the source. I hope that after watching you happily share a father-daughter dance, those who heard your mother’s malicious tales assumed that that the person who needed help was your mother. After all, consider how bizarre it is to go around your own daughter’s wedding pulling people aside to whisper that the bride’s beloved father is a monster. Even so, your mother has spread one of the most vile lies that can be told about another person, and I agree something has to be done. Given that she’s been going on about this for a decade, it’s lucky that these calumnies don’t seem to have affected your father. When people told you about what your mother's been saying, you surely responded by explaining that she is lying and unstable. So let’s hope that word has been spreading among family and friends.&nbsp;But you and your father should talk to a lawyer. It may be that receiving a cease and desist letter, with intimations of a slander suit to follow if she doesn’t stop, could shut your mother up. When you confronted your mother about what you'd been told, she denied all and had a pity party.&nbsp;I agree you should tell her that you are taking a possibly permanent hiatus from your relationship. You can say that if there is ever to be a glimmer of hope that you two speak again, she has to acknowledge the gravity of what she’s done and seek mental health counseling. If she does come to you to say she’s sorry and she’s gone to a therapist, ask to see the receipts. It’s going to be a long time—if ever—before you believe anything your mother has to say.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="https://soundcloud.com/thegist/today-its-a-pot-cast#t=10:18">Click here to listen to Prudie’s follow-up call on The Gist!</a></em></strong></p>
<p>2. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/09/am_i_datinga_swinger.html">Sept. 12, 2011: Am I Dating a Swinger?</a></p>
<p><strong>Q. Swinger Boyfriend: </strong>My boyfriend of six months is an ex-swinger. He is not currently participating in the lifestyle, and I have no desire to enter into it. I don't have any reason to believe that he is cheating, but I do notice occasionally that he gets wall posts on Facebook from women who I am fairly certain are actively swinging, suggesting they hang out soon. He also maintains his accounts on some swinger online forums and checks local personal ads daily. His explanation of why he does this is he finds it humorous. Should I let this go as something he still likes to see, if not do, or should I be concerned that he has no intention of truly becoming a one-woman man? I've already been married to a closeted swinger once, and I really would rather not go down that road again!</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> I can't get the image out of my head of your boyfriend looking like Frank Sinatra, drink in hand, fedora cocked, as he peruses the swinger websites saying, &quot;Ringa Ding Ding.&quot; Where did you meet this guy, at a support group for exes of swingers, or of ex swingers? I think the definition of someone who's still a swinger is a person who remains signed up on swinger websites because they're &quot;humorous.&quot; If you'd been married to an alcoholic and found yourself dating someone whose couch cushions were stuffed with empty bottles, you might conclude you're part of the problem and are attracted to men who are going to keep making you miserable in the same oh-so-familiar way. I think you should look to date someone for whom the idea of a swinger website makes him want to slather himself in sanitizing gel.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="https://soundcloud.com/thegist/why-do-i-keep-accidentally-dating-swingers#t=13:25">Click here to listen to Prudie’s follow-up call on The Gist!</a></em></strong></p>
<p>3. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/06/dear_prudence_my_student_has_sex_with_professors_for_money_what_do_i_do.html">June 26, 2014: A Student Told Me She Has Sex With Two Senior Faculty for Money.</a></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am a relatively young, male, and not-yet-tenured professor at a university.&nbsp;My department is overwhelmingly older (55-plus), white, and male. Several of the senior professors in my department, including the chair, have attitudes toward women that are downright sexist. On a number of occasions I have heard these faculty members make comments about the physical appearance of young women that are inappropriate and creepy. However, recently a female student confessed to me something that truly disturbs me. She said that two of the senior faculty, one of whom is the chair of my department, pays her for sex. She said she does not want to tell anyone else, partly for fear of getting in trouble because prostitution is illegal, but also because the two professors are essentially paying her college tuition in exchange for her services. I feel this is an extreme ethical violation, and judging by the character of the two professors probably only the tip of the iceberg. But I am at a severe power disadvantage in this situation. My boss can easily fire me. The dean and provost at my university are also member of this misogynistic “old boys’ club” and I don’t feel I can trust them.&nbsp;If the student refuses to testify, then the perpetrators can simply deny it and no one would believe me. What should I do?</p>
<p>—Ethical Dilemma</p>
<p><strong>Dear Ethical,<br /> </strong>I’m sure you’re right that this young woman is not the first student this pair of predators has targeted. Perhaps, long ago, they were somewhat more dashing figures accustomed to inviting female students to office hours for “private meetings”—back when such things were tacitly tolerated. Then they aged and codes of conduct changed. But lucky for them, tuition rates soared, which allowed these now AARP-aged lotharios an opportunity to offer their own financial aid program. This student didn’t get a Pell Grant, so instead she’s been roped into taking a Repellent Grant. I wish you could just blow the whistle on this sickening pair and end their academic careers. But as you note the blowback to you could be severe. For suggestions on courses of action, I turned to employment law attorney <a href="http://www.gordonllp.com/attorneys/philip-j-gordon/">Philip Gordon</a>. First of all, Gordon said you have to find out if you are a <a href="http://chronicle.com/article/Mandatory-Reporting-for-Title/141785/">mandatory reporter</a>, meaning you have an obligation to report this sexual misconduct. If so, that will force your hand. If you aren’t, then I agree with Gordon when he says that before telling anyone else, the right thing is to get the consent of the student who confided in you.</p>
<p>She came to you because she is in distress over the mess she’s in. So you need to have further conversation with her about what she wants to do, and whether she would consider exposing what’s going on. (Gordon said it is unlikely a prosecutor would go after her for prostitution, as the professors seem a better target.) She has to be prepared that revealing what’s happened could potentially be as traumatic as living through it. If the student is undecided, encourage her to seek out a confidential counselor on campus, one who can give her support and guide her through her alternatives. She could also go to the school’s <a href="http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/title-ix-rights-201104.pdf">Title IX coordinator</a>, but in that case her confidentiality may not be guaranteed. If you become part of this process, whether or not she wants to tell, you might also want to consult an employment lawyer on your own. Find one with experience in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Title_IX">Title IX</a> to see how best to protect yourself. I’m hoping that this pair of faculty members, who have violated every tenet of their profession, get caught. If they do, I bet a generation of female students will come forward to tell their own appalling stories,</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="https://soundcloud.com/thegist/to-catch-a-professor#t=9:09">Click here to listen to Prudie’s follow-up call on The Gist!</a></em></strong></p>
<p>4. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/07/dear_prudence_how_can_i_have_sex_as_a_fiftysomething_woman.html">July 3, 2014: I’m a Widow Who Needs to Have Sex</a></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong><br /> Several years into my widowhood, I think I’m going to die if I don’t have sex soon. Before I was widowed I had always had a vigorous and enthusiastic sex life, but now it’s like I’m dead to the world in my 50s. I’m lively, reasonably charming, interested in the things going on in the world, and not a dog. I’m self-supporting and self-reliant, so it’s not like I’m looking for a sugar daddy. It’s true that I don’t get out as much as I should, but when I do meet men around my age, they seem to be so weary. But at the same time they appear to be angling for women 10 or 20 years younger than I am! I live in a young and lively area, and I must confess that I am getting somewhat entranced by a few men around here who are a couple of decades younger. I know it’s a ridiculous fantasy, but a one-night stand would be fine. Am I weird, perverted, crazy? I miss rolling around with and holding a male body. I want to get laid. Help.</p>
<p>—Cut Off From a Sex Life Too Soon</p>
<p>Dear Too Soon,<br /> Maybe one day you can contribute your own experiences to the literary subgenre of the adventures of older women seeking a firm male body. Here’s <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2570947/15-men-30-two-one-day-How-I-discovered-age-60-Im-irresistible-men-20s-looking-sex-no-strings.html">a summary of the book</a> by 60-year-old Brit Monica Porter of her year spent seeking casual sex with younger men, <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J048YL4/?tag=slatmaga-20">My Year of Dating Dangerously</a></em>. She was able to take advantage of new hook-up apps, such as <a href="http://www.gotinder.com/">Tinder</a>, to find local men interested in experienced women. A few years ago teacher Jane Juska also wanted to connect with many male bodies. The sixtysomething put a personal ad in the <em>New York Review of Books</em> explaining what she wanted, and wrote about what happened in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XUBEU2/?tag=slatmaga-20"><em>A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance</em></a><em>. </em>You are not weird, perverted, or crazy. You’re a woman who loves sex, who has lost her husband too early in life, and who shouldn’t be consigned to celibacy. If you pursue this, you must do so with an awareness of attending to your safety, and an understanding that, as with anyone searching for sex partners, the majority of your correspondents will be creeps and cheaters. (One of Porter’s hook-ups had a “mummy” fixation and tried to strangle her.) But I guarantee if you want partners, you will find them. This <a href="http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/using-eharmony/online-dating-profiles-how-to-know-who-is-relationship-ready/#.U7H1uKgWeHt">article</a> gives some tips on how to convey on dating sites what you’re looking for—and what you’re looking for is going to be a lot more popular than a lifetime commitment.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="https://soundcloud.com/thegist/cut-off-from-a-sex-life-too-soon#t=13:18">Click here to listen to Prudie’s follow-up call on The Gist!</a></em></strong></p>
<p>5. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/12/dear_prudence_my_boss_poops_in_the_office_shower.2.html">Dec. 26, 2013: I Cheated, and the Woman Says I May Be the Father of Her Baby</a><strong></strong></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> I'm a 26-year-old guy in graduate school who has been dating the same amazing girl since college. We get along great, rarely have any serious fights, and just purchased a house together. I plan on proposing soon. One night at a party last spring that my girlfriend couldn’t attend, I ended up drinking too much. I crashed at a friend’s house and slept with a female friend of his. It was the only time I strayed outside of my long relationship.&nbsp;I spent the next couple of months feeling horrible about this. However, taking advice you had provided in the past, as well as not wanting to destroy our whole relationship over one mistake, I decided not to tell. But the girl I slept with contacted me to tell me she was pregnant and keeping the baby. She slept with two other men, unprotected, the same month and is not sure who the father is. It’s important to note that I did not, um, finish with her that night. I'm now living a terrified life every day knowing that this could destroy everything.&nbsp;Part of me wants to just wait until the baby is born; if one of the other guys is the father, then I can move on with life, I suppose? But if the child is mine, everything is ruined. What should I do?</p>
<p>—Please No Baby Daddy</p>
<p>Dear Please,<br /> Given your description of the night’s events, and your onetime partner’s behavior, you have a far higher chance of having contracted an STD than having impregnated her. But for that reason alone, you should tell your girlfriend. You could have passed on an STD (<a href="http://www.cdc.gov/std/chlamydia/stdfact-chlamydia.htm">chlamydia</a>, for example) with neither of you being aware of it. The fact that you didn’t ejaculate almost certainly means you’ll have good news when the paternity tests are done (and I hope the new mother gets a group discount on those). Yes, I have often advised that living with a much regretted one-off indiscretion can be punishment enough. But this thing has taken on, shall we say, a life of its own, and it’s time you came clean. Of course your girlfriend will feel crushed. But I also have written that an infidelity—especially one as unsatisfying as yours—should not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. When you tell her, I’m sure it will be clear to her what agony you are in over this. Let’s hope that when she gets past the pain of the betrayal, she can put it in perspective and weigh it against all your years of happiness.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="https://soundcloud.com/thegist/reinvigorating-reparations#t=11:18">Click here to listen to Prudie’s follow-up call on The Gist!</a></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>In a Gist first, <a href="https://soundcloud.com/thegist/his-friends-know-he-cheated-does-she#t=13:23">Prudie’s follow-up to the follow-up</a>, after everything changed for the letter writer.</em></strong></p>
<p>Listen to all Post-Prudie Impact Statements from 2014 below:</p>Fri, 26 Dec 2014 14:43:31 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_the_best_gist_follow_ups_of_2014.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-26T14:43:31ZThe most surprising follow-up conversations from a year of Dear Prudence on The Gist.LifeDear Prudence’s Five Most Surprising Follow-Up Calls to Letter Writers100141226005Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_the_best_gist_follow_ups_of_2014.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffePhoto Bombhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_hundred_of_explicit_pictures_of_my_daughter.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/signup"><em>here</em></a><em> to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_29_2014.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am the proud mother of a beautiful 22-year-old daughter. She’s been a stellar student—she graduated from an Ivy League school—and a terrific kid, and we have a great relationship. She’s living back at home after completing college and working part-time as she prepares to apply to law school. Recently, I forgot something I needed and hurriedly ran into the house. As I went by her room I saw her naked and performing sexually on camera. When we spoke about it later she didn’t seem embarrassed and explained that while it was not any of my business, it was something that she and her boyfriend do frequently when they cannot be together physically. I’m not proud of this, but the next day while she was out I sneaked a peek at her computer. I found literally hundreds of explicit pictures of my daughter with men and women, and I do mean explicit. Knowing that I violated her privacy, I’m a little apprehensive to come clean and tell her what I found while snooping on her personal computer. But I want to find out more about her extracurricular activities and express my concerns that theses types of things could have a way of coming back to haunt her later in life.</p>
<p>—Freaking Out Mom</p>
<p>Dear Freaking,<br /> I share your concern about your daughter's judgment given that she has neglected to put password protection on a computer loaded with explicit images. I understand your shock, but it's also true that her sex life is none of your business. Philip Larkin wrote in “<a href="http://www.wussu.com/poems/plam.htm">Annus Mirabilis</a>”: “Sexual intercourse began/ In nineteen sixty-three/ (which was rather late for me).” You are of proper vintage, Mom, to have experienced sexual liberation. What's different for your generation from your daughter’s is that once the deed was done, it remained only as a memory (or a baby, or an STD). But today there can be an electronic file that can follow someone the rest of his or her days. I know some young people will argue that recording and sharing such intimate moments is going to be so much the norm that if these images get loose, all they will rate is a shrug. (Experimenting with drugs was once thought to disqualify someone for the presidency, and then <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1400082773/?tag=slatmaga-20">Barack Obama wrote a memoir</a> in which he portrayed his youthful reliance on marijuana.)&nbsp;You just don't know what she's done with this sex file, whether it's private and for her own pleasure, or whether she is engaging in some sort of pornographic activity. So there is the possibility that these images are already out of her control. If the latter, I agree her having allowed this would be foolish in the extreme, but given that you violated her privacy to snoop, and that your daughter is an adult, you could permanently damage your relationship with her by revealing what you found. At the least you know she exchanges explicit images with her boyfriend.&nbsp;She is in love with him and thus certain he would never betray her. But I bet many of the women victimized by revenge porn felt the same way. Let’s hope that when your daughter goes to law school, a class about this area of jurisprudence will cause her to take her own privacy more seriously. But since you did stumble upon her during a highly personal moment you both wish you hadn’t seen, it’s fair for you to bring it up with her once more. Say you know she's an adult and you are sorry about intruding, but your concern is not about her relationship with her boyfriend, but the nature of the internet. Tell her you want to emphasize the importance to her future of making sure any recording of intimate activity has the highest possible security protection from prying eyes.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My girlfriend is what you would call “judgy” and it’s seeping into our personal life. She’s constantly saying my behavior is not normal, which includes such things as the way I stock the fridge. When she doesn’t like my opinion or the way I’ve phrased something, she&nbsp;proclaims that we’re&nbsp;going to have a new&nbsp;restriction about what I’m allowed to&nbsp;say. When I was a grad student and took longer than she liked to study for an exam, she called up my friends to find out how long it took them to study.&nbsp;When she was mad that I couldn’t go out on a certain weekend, she took down all the photos of us in her apartment. How do I put an end to this judgmental and controlling behavior? I feel like I’m on eggshells. We actually have a good time together until I say the wrong phrase, don’t abide by her schedule perfectly, or don’t meet other expectations.</p>
<p>—Tiptoeing</p>
<p>Dear Tiptoeing,<br /> What you call “judgy,” I call abusive. The domestic abuse of men is a source of hidden shame, but one that needs to be brought out in the open. You sound like so many female abuse victims I’ve heard from over the years—asserting that when the abuser is not being abusive, things are good! These letter writers want to know how to encourage that “good person within” to make more of an appearance. Of course things are good sometimes. You’d have to be an off-the-charts masochist to stay in a relationship that had zero pleasant moments. But the answer to how you spend more time with a good person and less with an abuser is to dump the abuser and find a good person. Your girlfriend is not a good person. She is nasty, controlling, insulting, and demeaning. Sure, she may have moments of kindness, but these are the exceptions to her obsession with your wrongdoing. You aren’t married to this woman and blessedly don’t have children with her. You don’t even live together. So what you do is say to her: “Here’s a phrase of mine you won’t be able to correct: We’re through.” Then get some therapy to find out what it is about your psyche that has allowed someone to walk all over you for so long.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong><br /> I have been married more than 15 years and have two kids. Sometimes Saturday mornings my wife and I like to sleep in late and maybe have a little naked alone time, so we lock the bedroom door and if I’m lucky, I get lucky. Nothing crazy or loud but my wife gets nervous and says the kids will think we are having sex. I understand and don’t want to advertise it, but after 15 years these times are precious and I don’t care at that moment what the kids think.&nbsp;What’s wrong if we lock the door sometimes and have some private time? Sometimes, I might join my wife in our shower and a few times one of the kids has come to the door because of a phone call and will ask, “Is Dad in there with you Mom?”&nbsp;Again, this makes us feel self-conscious, but I also feel it’s normal. My wife and I both came from divorced homes so we don’t have any memories of what our moms and dads did. Are we supposed to live like Mr. and Ms. Cleaver?</p>
<p>—Confused</p>
<p>Dear Confused,<br /> A friend once told me that every Saturday morning he and his siblings got unlimited TV cartoons because Saturday morning was when Mom and Dad locked the bedroom door and took a nap. Eventually, he came to understand and be amused by the realization that his parents weren’t really sleepy. What you’re doing is perfectly normal (and I also always got the impression that Ward and June Cleaver enjoyed their own adult time apart from Wally and the, umm, Beaver). It’s actually good for kids to know their parents have sex—in a general, abstract way. Because you grew up with divorced parents, you and your wife both missed the undercurrent in your childhood home that let you know adulthood offered exciting things ahead. So if one of your children comes to the bathroom door while you’re soaping each other up, don’t be embarrassed to shout, “Just take a message, we’re in the shower.” Sure, it might gross out the kids now, but someday they’ll look back—as my friend did about his parents’ nap time—and appreciate that even when you two were done procreating, you weren’t done having sex.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am a woman in my late 20s working at a nonprofit with about 60 employees. Some of my work involves interaction with our executives, and I’ve had a pretty good rapport with one of them in particular, a man in his early 50s. He’s an easygoing, well-liked person who often chats and makes jokes with people (not just me) in the break room, at office parties, etc. However, lately he has taken to addressing me by pet names, like “blondie” and a common rhyme with my name (think “Anna Banana”). It’s never been anything overtly sexual, but it just strikes me as too familiar and inappropriate at work. More than anything I’m concerned about anyone else in the office noticing this and getting the wrong impression. How do I let him know I’d like this to stop without making too big a deal of this and damaging our otherwise good working relationship?</p>
<p>—Not Anna Banana</p>
<p>Dear Not,<br /> The next time he does this, when he’s back in his office, go by and ask if you can talk to him for a minute. Then shut the door, and without being defensive explain that while you enjoy that your office can have a light-hearted atmosphere, you are uncomfortable being called by pet names. Say they make you feel unprofessional, and that you’re sure that isn’t his intention. I’m going to bet he’ll be mortified and abjectly apologize. Probably he thinks of you in a daughterly way, but you’re right that he should banish such thoughts because they are inappropriate for the office. Then go back to your desk and write a time-stamped memo to yourself about this entire event. Let’s hope you never have to refer to it again, but if you do, you will have evidence that there was a problem with a superior and you addressed it in a businesslike fashion.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_m_a_widower_in_love_with_my_late_wife_s_sister.html">Keeping It in the Family</a>: How do I explain to people I’m marrying my late wife’s sister?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_we_want_to_buy_a_murder_house.html">Three Beds, Two Baths, One Body</a>: We’ve found the perfect house. Only problem: a woman was murdered there.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_i_m_accused_of_sending_penis_photos_to_a_woman.html">We Have a Weiner</a>: A woman I briefly dated is telling people I sent her crotch shots. But it wasn’t me!”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_can_i_say_no_to_sex_but_yes_to_business_with_my_hookup_pal.html">Performance Review</a>: I’ve been sleeping with an older man in my field. Can I ask him for career advice?”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/help_my_husband_doesn_t_want_me_to_expose_his_affair_but_i_think_i_should.html">He Oughta Know</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman determined to reveal her husband’s affair to the partner’s spouse.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_are_teeth_grills_in_fashion_for_everybody.html">Can’t Bear His Grin</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose husband got a gold and rhinestone grill for his teeth.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/08/dear_prudence_my_in_laws_want_to_exclude_my_father_a_burn_survivor_from.html">Keeping Up Appearances</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose future in-laws don’t want her burn-victim father at the wedding.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_can_i_tell_my_son_s_girlfriend_she_has_to_wear_a_bra.html">The Hills Are Alive</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman on whether to tell her son’s busty girlfriend she should wear a bra.”</p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.</em></strong></p>Wed, 24 Dec 2014 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_hundred_of_explicit_pictures_of_my_daughter.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-24T11:00:00ZI found hundreds of explicit pictures of my daughter.LifeHelp! I Found Hundreds of Explicit Pictures of My Daughter.100141223020Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_hundred_of_explicit_pictures_of_my_daughter.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t1323412151001264903590011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t132341215100126490359001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeCrime at the Ballethttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_promised_my_daughter_not_to_tell_about_her_predatory_dance.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Daughter’s Trust vs. Public Service: </strong>My daughter goes to a dance class where the dance instructor’s son also gives lessons. He’s about 25 years old, married and with a kid on the way. My daughter told me that when they were in the tour bus the son asked one of her dance-mates if she’d let him kiss her. This girl is about 15 years old! She told my daughter she felt she couldn’t say no, so she let him. The girl feels bad, but doesn’t want to hurt the wife (who’s been there for some of the performances) nor does she want to break up a family. My daughter told me this in confidence and made me promise I wouldn’t tell a soul. If I tell this young girl’s parents (who don’t come to performances and who I’ve never met), my daughter will lose all trust in me. (My daughter’s trust is essential because if this happens to her, I need her to trust in telling me.) If I don’t tell the parents, I will be allowing this man to continue to surround himself with these girls. I don’t know if this is the first, or one of a long list. What do I do? I’m already taking my daughter out of the dance school, but I can’t imagine leaving her friend behind to fend for herself.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Your daughter did the right thing by telling you. Now you have to tell her that you have to do the right thing yourself and report this. You explain to her there are some confidences that can’t be kept because they reveal that innocent people will be hurt—likely very badly. Because this is so sensitive, you and your daughter could go to a lawyer together to have a confidential conversation about how to best proceed—whether telling the parents only, or the parents and the police—and also clarifying what all this will mean for your daughter. Maybe this kiss was the first (I doubt it), but it won’t be the last. This guy is in pole position as a dance instructor to teenage girls to pick off the most vulnerable ones. He’s not going to stop with a kiss (and even if it’s just kissing, this should be something brought to the attention of law enforcement). Yes, this will be messy and ugly, but messier and uglier will be allowing this pervert to get away with years of abuse. You need to make clear to your daughter that you will be there supporting her every step in this process, but that it must move forward because she has found out about a crime. Also tell her that while her friend may have confessed in confidence, she made the confession because she’s being pressured and doesn’t know what to do. What has to be done is that responsible adults step in and make sure this guy is stopped.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Holiday Leftover Etiquette: </strong>I have a dispute with my mother-in-law. She hosts many holidays at her house and all of us bring side dishes while she makes the turkey. On Thanksgiving my mother came and brought a dessert. At the end of the evening she noticed that it was barely touched so she wanted me to take it home. My wife received a call from her mother seriously vexed that everything was not left at her home. When I host, I have no problem with people taking back things as it is usually a massive amount of food that would go to waste if it remained (as was the case here). What is the proper etiquette of potlucks?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Clearly your mother-in-law had her eye on the pie. The food you bring to an event becomes property of the host. So yes, your mother was somewhat out of line to send her dessert home with you without checking with the hostess. At potlucks there usually is plenty left over and the host often divvies it up, but not your mother-in-law. However, this round-robin of recrimination is the ultimate in silliness. Your wife should have told her mother she’s sorry she took home a dessert her mother wanted to keep—but should have defended your mother’s innocent behavior. If your mother-in-law is hosting Christmas this year, now you know not to take home a doggie bag.</p>
<p><strong>Q. A Tragic Situation: </strong>My wife’s mother was killed by her boyfriend “Bob” 30-odd years ago from a house fire which he started. He was a drug addict and served only a short sentence due to young age, mental health issues, and that he maintained he thought he was setting fire to an empty house. We discovered Bob has totally turned his life around and is now working as a teacher. From what we can gather he is a well-respected family man and has two children. My wife lost it, saying he did not deserve to live a clean, decent life after causing so much damage in hers. I am pretty sure he has hidden his past as he was also accused of attempted murder of a child (my wife) even though he was acquitted. My wife wants to publicize Bob’s past to his family and work. I am worried about her revenge crusade and a part of me thinks a man who can turn his life around so remarkably deserves to be left alone. I am unsure how to stop her and support her emotionally at the same time.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This is indeed a tragic and wrenching situation that has left an understandable shadow over your wife’s life. But I agree with you that seeking revenge in the way your wife suggests will not bring her peace but just the opposite. Bob went through the criminal justice system and even if his punishment was inadequate, he served it. He has turned his life around. It may be that a social media campaign by your wife will cost Bob dearly. But it will cost her, too. There will be plenty of people who attack her and find her vindictive, and she will end up reliving the worst moments of her life over and over. Please support her by offering to go with her to a therapist to talk all this out. She needs enduring support. Even traumatic events that have taken place decades ago can rear their heads in unexpected ways, as this has for your wife. What happened to your wife cannot be undone. But with help she can accept the past and not allow it to undo her present.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Daughter’s Trust: </strong>You’re right of course, Prudie, but does the daughter really have to go to the lawyer? That seems to me to be the kind of thing the mother should handle herself as the adult, and she can pass on any info to the daughter. Taking the poor kid to a lawyer on top of (necessarily) betraying the confidence seems completely traumatizing to me.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>She should talk this out with her daughter. It might help her daughter to be in a room where she knows the conversation is totally confidential and where she can ask her own questions and express her concerns. If she doesn’t want to do go, sure, the mother can go alone and ask the questions her daughter would want answered.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Time to Move On?: </strong>I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for over three years. He has hinted about proposing in the past but has never actually gone through with it. I moved to a new state to be near him, then to his city after I completed graduate school. He knows I want to get married and I have tried discussing it with him. He worked an extremely demanding job with grueling hours and I stood by him. Now he has a better job and we are able to spend more time together. Recently, I became frustrated after watching so many people I know who have been in much shorter relationships get engaged, and I wrote him a six-page letter stating that I didn’t want to force him to get married but felt misled by his hints. I asked him to give me space. He was devastated and revealed that he had bought a ring and was planning to propose just days after I wrote the letter. Now we’re both really upset. I feel that if he had just proposed earlier, I would never have felt the need to write the letter. He feels I didn’t trust him and is now holding back on proposing. We really love each other but I feel that if he’s still not sure about me after more than three years, sadly it may be time to let him go. How do we move forward?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>So, what does the ring look like? I assume he showed you the rock he is now withholding, just as a matter of good faith. Or maybe he’s hidden the purported ring, just to punish you for having the audacity to express your desires about your joint future. This is an O. Henry style stand-off: He was ready to propose, then you ruined it by asking him to propose. I’m going to assume your six pages (six pages!) were not a screed against him, but a <em>cri de coeur</em>. In that case, someone who wanted to marry you would have read the letter, gotten the ring box, and said, “Here’s my answer.” Good that you’re not beating yourself up for supposedly blowing his proposal, but are more uncertain than ever about your future. So you make your own. Follow through on your plan to get some space to think about things. You’re right, three years is more than enough time, and now he’s manipulating you—a decision about getting married is a joint one, not the man’s alone. So spend some time alone—and even with other available men—to see more clearly what you want out of life.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Can’t Give Legal Advice: </strong>I’m a third-year law student at a well-respected school. When people find out, they often ask me for legal advice, especially about my area of specialty. I explain gently that I’m not an attorney and that I can get in big trouble for appearing to give legal advice, and if I know a good attorney specializing in that topic, I can offer a referral. This response often doesn’t work. Folks seem to think I’m being a snob or a jerk for refusing to help them (for free), or they keep trying to reframe their question to “trick” me into answering. It’s quite uncomfortable. Any suggestions for how to be firm but kind, while living up to my ethical and professional responsibilities?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Counselor, you better get used to abiding by the tenets of your profession now. For you that means not giving legal advice because right now you’re not a member of the bar. And even when you are, giving legal advice is presumably something you will want to do in exchange for money. You have entered a profession in which you are going to go up against others who are going to try to use tricky arguments to counter yours—so learn how to hold your own. It doesn’t matter if people asking for free (and illegal) services then declare you’re a snob or jerk for not providing them. You just stick with, “I’m sorry, I can’t answer that question. But I’m happy to give you the names of some people who can.”</p>
<p><strong>Q. How to Get Someone to Follow Through?: </strong>I have a great boyfriend who has been living with me in my home. If I ask him to change out a light bulb, for example, he’ll readily agree ... and then never do it. I hate to be a nag, but after the second or third weekend of reminding him that he said he would do it, I just end up doing it myself (which I realize teaches him that he really doesn’t have to do it, but it’s dark in that hallway!). However, if it’s a bigger thing that I can’t do myself, I’m kind of stuck. We’ve talked about his pattern and he always apologizes and admits fault, but then it’s right back to same ol’, same ol’. Um ... what gives?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>How many boyfriends does it take to change a light bulb? One, as long as you change boyfriends. There’s something fundamentally off with what you describe. Not just that this slug, who’s presumably taller than you, won’t get the step stool and change the hall light, but because you describe him as a kind of freeloader invading your home. But maybe he thinks of himself as a guest and is a little put off with being expected to do household chores. The two of you need to have a serious discussion about why you’re living together and what each of your expectations are. And for you, these expectations include his share of maintenance of your joint domicile.</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks, everyone. Have a wonderful Christmas. Talk to you next week.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_father_died_close_to_christmas.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Tue, 23 Dec 2014 11:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_promised_my_daughter_not_to_tell_about_her_predatory_dance.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-23T11:00:00ZPrudie advises a parent sworn to secrecy about a daughter’s predatory dance instructor.LifeHelp! My Daughter Made Me Promise Not to Tell About Her Predatory Dance Instructor.100141223001Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_promised_my_daughter_not_to_tell_about_her_predatory_dance.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39481851100013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeFather’s Christmashttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_father_died_close_to_christmas.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (</em><a href="http://link.slate.com/join/3qk/newslettersignup"><em>Sign up here</em></a><em> to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong><em>Slate </em></strong><em>columns</em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Not Feeling Christmas Spirit: </strong>My dad passed away on Dec. 5, after a brief battle with cancer. My father and I were very close. I was the only girl of his four children. After being in denial about his illness, I’m having panic attacks and sleepless nights. I have spoken with my doctor for those issues. I’m struggling to control my emotions around my four children as to not ruin their Christmas. My youngest are 11 and 8 and very sensitive. With my mother’s help I have managed to shop for them. My problem is that I just can not get myself to do my normal shopping for family and friends or even send Christmas cards. I’m not sure everyone will understand.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Everyone will understand. You are in shock and mourning. I hope there is no one in your life who would say, “Hey, I’m sorry your father died suddenly, but I was expecting a card and a scarf!” You have already made sure there will be presents under the tree for the kids. But they are hurting, too, about the loss of their beloved grandfather. Don’t be afraid to be open with them about how much you miss him. Seeing you cry will tell them it’s OK for them to cry. You can also tell them it’s fine for them to have a happy Christmas, because their grandfather loved that holiday. Say he was a wise person and he knew that it’s possible to alternate between being happy and sad. I’m glad you’re getting help for your very normal grief. But don’t try to pretend to your children that Christmas will be just the same this year.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Tell Our Kids We Now Smoke?: </strong>Until recently, neither my wife nor I had ever smoked. A co-worker convinced my wife to try it, and then my wife convinced me to try. We found it quite enjoyable, and are becoming regular smokers. We do not smoke around our children, but they must smell it. Should we sit them down and explain that Mom and Dad are now smokers? Or would it be better just to let this go unspoken?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>How about if you and your wife sit each other down and explain to each other you’re so weak-willed you’ve allowed yourself to be talked into a toxic and life-threatening activity and you two have to now find the wherewithal to stop. Your children will eventually catch on and if they’re old enough, start begging you to stop so you don’t end up like those frightening people on the public service announcements who have lost their voice boxes to this noxious habit. Make a new year’s resolution to go together to a smoking cessation class. And to also address strengthening your ability to resist malign influences.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Recommitment Ceremonies?: </strong>A dear friend of mine is planning to celebrate her 10-year wedding anniversary with a recommitment ceremony. From the sound of it, she is envisioning a near wedding-caliber event. I live 1,000 miles away and was a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I can remember well the time, energy, and money I spent on her wedding. I love my friend and I think her marriage is beautiful, but my feeling is that once you have your wedding, your turn at being the center of attention is over. Am I obligated to attend the recommitment ceremony (involving travel, gift, etc.) or is there a compassionate way to decline participating? And I’d love your thoughts in general on large-scale recommitment ceremonies and if they’re really a good idea.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Since I think recommitment ceremonies are often a prelude to divorce, I think it’s a better idea just to save the money for the lawyers. As I’ve written many times, I hate recommitment ceremonies. (Does my opinion cancel out the meaningful and beautiful ceremonies staged by others? No, it’s just my opinion.) We can be grateful, however, that people don’t restage their high school graduations, or their children’s births. I do believe there’s a lovely kind of celebration couples can host to show their enduring love for each other—it’s called an anniversary party. But your friend is hauling out the dress and the veil and redoing an occasion that successfully took place a decade ago, one that cost you a bundle of money and plenty of time. What you do is tell her you’re so sorry not to be able to be there, and that you wish her a wonderful day.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Not Feeling the Christmas Spirit: </strong>My dad died suddenly on Dec. 1, so I am right with the writer. I do want to point out that everyone I have spoken to or given a gift to has said that they are just amazed that I have done so, so clearly the expectation is not there. I have two sisters and we are trying hard to stay focused on the nieces and nephews while promising ourselves a breathing spell in the new year. Try to give yourself the benefit of the grace you would extend to someone else in this position.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I’m sorry for your loss, and thank you for this helpful perspective.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Paying the Sitter Too Little?: </strong>My husband and I both work full-time in jobs that are not highly paid. We have a 1-year-old son, and have found a wonderful woman to watch him in her home we work. He is the only child that she watches and I am confident that he is well cared for, loved, and enriched while he is with her. My concern is with the amount we pay her. For about 35 hours per week we pay her only $125.00, as per her request. We pay our sitter in cash, also at her request. Adding much more to her pay would eliminate my ability to provide any additional activities for my son and I to participate in together (music class, little gym, etc.) As a working mom, these are precious times to me. But when I was a nanny in college I made $350.00 per week. Is it unethical to pay someone so little if it is the rate they asked for and what you can afford?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You realize you’re paying this woman about $3.60 an hour; in other words, half the minimum wage. She is also your full-time employee, but since you’re paying cash you evidently aren’t paying her Social Security, Medicare, or unemployment taxes, as required by law. I can’t give you a pass for this situation. If she watched your kid for free, you’d have even more of your own money to enjoy, but that’s not how things work. Your 1-year-old doesn’t need a music class or a gym membership. You can listen to music with him and have him bang on pots and pans. The playground is as good as a phys ed “class” for a toddler. At the very least you need to increase this woman’s pay to the legal minimum and also talk to her about regularizing her employment. Perhaps she’s on disability and can’t actually earn more than a small amount without jeopardizing it. However, she’s getting the money under the table, so even if she insists on cash only, and you go along, you are morally obligated to pay her something decent.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Not Feeling the Christmas Spirit: </strong>My grandmother died two weeks before Christmas when I was 12. The LW does not need to beat herself up about what to do for Christmas. I barely remember what I got for Christmas that year or anything we did aside from the funeral. What I do remember is my parents and our support of each other in that terrible time. You’re not going to ruin Christmas. Christmas is just a blip in the grand scheme of things. Focus on yourself and your family and everything will be okay.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thank you for this helpful perspective from a child’s point of view.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Smokers: </strong>Are you sure they don’t mean pot? If so, does your advice still apply?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Good point—although if you simply say “smoking” it would be helpful to clarify what you’re smoking. That’s quite a workplace if people take marijuana breaks. The issue of smoking marijuana is more complicated because there’s a legal element to it. If they live in a state where they can go to a store and buy it, that at least relieves the element of illegality. We don’t know how old the kids are, which is an important point. But if they’ve taken up a marijuana habit that they find so enjoyable that they regularly reek from it, they need to think about this enjoyable habit’s role in their lives and what message it is sending to the kids.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Babysitter Pay: </strong>Wrong, the letter writer is not legally required to pay employment taxes. The child is watched in the sitter’s home, not the letter writer’s home. The sitter is self-employed, not the writer’s employee.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for pointing this out. However, I still find it bizarre to have an arrangement in which one pays half of minimum wage for full-time child care.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Disturbing Videos: </strong>I am visiting my home town for the holiday break. It is a very small town that’s basically all white. My 17-year-old brother showed me his YouTube channel, which features animated videos he created. He is usually a kind and gentle person, so I was surprised to find that his videos were racist and violent. One video was about storming the town of Ferguson and gunning down protestors, another was about murdering the family of a black celebrity. These videos use photos of himself and his friends as the protagonists, and his YouTube account username is his full name. I only visit twice a year, so I don’t know if it’s my place to bring this up as problematic. I have a very liberal mother, but she has a busy and demanding career and probably does not know about these videos. I worry that something like this could hurt him in the future if discovered—he has been accepted into a diverse university in a large city. I also worry about how scary and hateful these videos are! Is my brother a ticking time bomb that I need to defuse?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Please speak up both to your brother and your mother. These violent and repulsive videos need to be taken down immediately. I don’t know if your brother is troubled, or just a 17-year-old jerk with jerk friends who egg each other on. But these idiots need to understand both that what they’re doing is not only grossly wrong, but can have potential life-altering consequences.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Labor Law: </strong>Whether the sitter is an independent contractor or an employee depends upon Who sets the hours of work (am betting it is the parents), Who sets how the work will be done (feed the kid this but not that), Who sets were the work will be done, Who sets what work will be done (naps, play time etc). Odds are very high that the sitter is an employee as the parents set when the work will be done, how the work will be done, and what will be done, and the sitter only works for them. I’m a retired labor lawyer.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I have learned over the years that wading into labor law requires discussing labor law with a labor law professional—something I can’t do during the chat. So “retired labor lawyer” is saying my initial response was right, and that the day care provider is an employee not an independent contractor. However, I will note that lots of people are writing in to say that half minimum wage is a totally fair amount to pay for child care. I understand that paying virtually nothing for child care is a big savings for an expense that is crushing for many families. But frankly I am astounded that people think it’s fine to have a child watched full-time by someone who isn’t earning anything close to a living wage.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Tell Our Children We Have Lost Our Minds?: </strong>Until recently my husband and I always wore our seatbelts. One of my co-workers showed me how fun it is flopping around in the car due to inertia and I have now shown my husband. We both enjoy the thrill of possibly being thrown from the vehicle in a major crash. Should we sit our children down and explain that Mommy and Daddy have no common sense or do you think they will figure it out on their own?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Nice commentary on the parents who have taken up smoking.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re:&nbsp;Child Care: </strong>Just so you know—child care rates (not nanny rates) are about $25 a day in many places. That assumes that it’s in-home child care where the person is watching the kid in their house and many times watching other kids. It’s crappy pay, but it is typical. In my town, in Georgia, people pay from $120 per week to $200 per week for day care. For private nannies, it’s typically $10 an hour. If this lady wanted to make more money, she would take care of more kids, as that’s how people get more like $14 an hour (by watching four kids at $125 a week).</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for this. Yes, I understand that someone who is watching multiple children may charge this rate, but because there are many children being watched the provider ends up with low but above minimum wage pay. But the situation as described by the original letter writer is that the babysitter is caring solely for her child full-time for half of minimum wage. Even she’s concerned that this bargain is not right, and I agree.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_promised_my_daughter_not_to_tell_about_her_predatory_dance.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em>Check out Dear Prudence's</em></strong><a href="http://store.mentalfloss.com/Slate-Store/SL-Prudie#axzz2hjALsTQI"><strong><em> book recommendations</em></strong></a><strong><em> in the Slate Store.<strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Mon, 22 Dec 2014 20:09:43 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_father_died_close_to_christmas.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-22T20:09:43ZPrudie counsels a woman uncertain how to mourn her dad’s passing so close to the holidays.LifeHelp! How Do I Mourn My Dad’s Death Without Ruining Christmas?100141222012Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_father_died_close_to_christmas.htmlfalsefalsefalse1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t394818511000139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t39481851100013926365990001Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_22_2014.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more.</p>
<p>The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html"> Slate’s Dear Prudence</a>, and look for next week’s submission page.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_father_died_close_to_christmas.html">Click here to read Part 1 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong><br /> </p>Mon, 22 Dec 2014 17:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_22_2014.htmlEmily Yoffe2014-12-22T17:00:00ZFor Dec. 22, 2014.LifeChat With Dear Prudence100141217027adviceEmily YoffeLive Chatshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_22_2014.htmlfalsefalsefalsePhoto by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeCan’t Take a Jokehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_my_family_teases_to_show_affection_but_my_boyfriend_doesn.html
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<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_dec_22_2014.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> In my family, especially around the holidays, you have to be able to dish it out and take it.&nbsp;Good-natured ribbing about the things you’ve done, large and small, flies around the room, and the measure of how much we like you is how much we tease you. No matter how much I tell that to my current boyfriend, he doesn’t get it. He takes my family’s barbs as personal. They give him grief about his age (which really isn’t that old) or about how all his friends have kids (and he doesn’t) or about how his favorite team never wins the Super Bowl (while theirs does). He’s a super straight arrow, and it’s even hard to come up with things to tease him about. If he dished it out in return, they’d respect him for it. Instead, he politely sits there, smiles uncomfortably, and waits for it to end. My family winds up not knowing if he likes us or not. Does his discomfort mean that we should stop teasing him altogether? If so, I have no idea what he’ll do at any of our family gatherings.</p>
<p>—Start Dishing</p>
<p>Dear Start,<br /> Your family sounds a lot like mine. I once took a new boyfriend, a redhead, to a family gathering. My uncle looked at him and by way of saying hello asked, “Do you have red pubic hair?” My date stuck his thumb out at me and replied, “Ask her.” Boom! I think I can resolve one question troubling all of you. You ask if your boyfriend likes your family. The answer is, no. Most people, you’ve probably found, don’t seek out social occasions at which they will be relentlessly mocked. Even though you and I come from families in which shredding each other is a sport, you also have to acknowledge that the world is better off if families like ours are in the minority. You ended up with someone who is well-mannered, and I’m betting that was no accident. So it is rude of you to ask your boyfriend to adopt a different personality and go around the holiday table telling your sister that the episode of <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AM14Y2M/?tag=slatmaga-20">Girls</a></em> in which Hannah got an STD made him think of her, or rejoice to your father over the great news that Medicare covers penis pumps. Your boyfriend’s response to your family’s antics—sitting there politely until it is blessedly time to leave—is brilliant, one that gives your insult comics no toehold. And maybe as a way of showing you really love him, you’ll tell your boyfriend you understand if this year he wants to skip Christmas with your folks.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I am an educational administrator. I have had a great deal of success in turning failing schools into high-performing ones. A few years ago, I took a job in a school district in a small town in a relatively remote part of the country. It was a chance to turn around several schools at once. The teachers and administrators were open to new ideas and are making great strides, but progress has been slow. My children (who are above average in their academic and social skills, but not abnormally so) are in the school system. I can see what their participation in the schools is doing to them, and it’s killing me. My daughter is creative and sensitive. She has gone from loving l