Dodgers Close to Acquiring the Phillie Phanatic

Late Friday afternoon, Hal Sterniak, an executive in the Los Angeles Dodgers front office, alluded to talks of the organization acquiring the beloved Phillie Phanatic from Philadelphia on waivers. In the unprecedented exchange, the Dodgers would cover the Phanatic’s remaining contract through 2023 and the Phillies would receive three minor league jugglers to be named later and an unused t-shirt cannon.

The Dodgers, who still remain one of the only MLB teams without an official mascot, have had two failed attempts in the last decade at introducing a crowd-rousing pep plush to their finicky fan base. One was just last summer, when a “unique performance character” was unveiled, giving younger fans nightmares and creating unintended comparisons to an iconic LA eatery.

The other was the less talked about experiment of 2008.

Sterniak continued, “It’s obvious that the Phanatic is just going through the motions during his 7th inning dugout routine at Citizens Bank Park. Seems like he’s doing bad stand-up or a performance on Lip Sync Battle – the show on Spike, not Jimmy Fallon. He won’t have to worry about that here. Our fans are usually gone by then.”

When asked to comment on the possible deal, the Phillie Phanatic responded with a double belly thrust and a snout blow.