Issue 4941

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week six games: Giants at Bears OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bears – Eli Manning will throw three picks and Jay Cutler wil...

DECATUR, IL—Telling the 17-year-old to “play through” the brain injury he sustained from a vicious hit during a game against Danville, West High football coach Doug Husted reportedly encouraged tailback Marcus Fisher Friday to shake off ...

ATLANTA—The Minnesota Lynx swept the Atlanta Dream Thursday night to clinch their second WNBA championship in three years, led by several dominant performances from 31-year-old, eight-months pregnant Rebekkah Brunson. Brunson, a 6-foot, 2-inch tall,...

The Treasury Department has warned that the continued failure by Congress to raise the debt ceiling would leave the United States unable to pay all of its bills and may force the country to default on its government bonds.

WASHINGTON—Following this month’s rollout of President Obama’s signature health care law, millions of uninsured citizens across the country praised the program for allowing them to become blindingly enraged at health insurance companies ...

Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and r...

WASHINGTON—Noting that the individuals in question may be extremely mentally disturbed or suffering from a serious psychological illness, the nation’s psychiatrists announced Wednesday that they are deeply concerned for the estimated 5 percent...

NEW HAVEN, CT—Unbelievably pitiful American poet John Ashbery is seriously harboring the belief that he has any chance in hell at winning this year’s Nobel Prize in Literature, sources close to the clearly delusional author confirmed Wednesday...

WASHINGTON—Sitting down for a candid interview with Marie Claire magazine last Thursday, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly opened up about her marriage to President Barack Obama, saying that their sex life “has never been more open, ...

EL PASO, TX—Praising its characters, story, and ending, Maya Brown, a freshman at DeSoto High School, decided this Monday that William Shakespeare’s classic Romeo And Juliet might just be her favorite play.

DALLAS—Describing him as both “creepy” and “kind of a weirdo,” Fox NFL color commentator Daryl Johnston admitted Wednesday that he does not feel comfortable being alone in the broadcast booth with play-by-play partner Kenny A...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Sources confirmed Wednesday that 28-year-old graphic designer Gerald Lawler experienced an anxiety attack following the realization that he was the same age as his parents when they prematurely started a family.

WASHINGTON—Touting them as the next stage in modernized combat, representatives for the United States military unveiled today a new line of bionically enhanced “super-soldiers,” capable of withstanding the enormous mental toll of war. Co...

WASHINGTON—As the shutdown of the federal government enters its second week, with legislators on both sides of the aisle having so far failed to bring a resolution to the negotiating table, sources confirmed Tuesday that Washington’s congressi...

Taping an inexpensive skeleton or pumpkin cutout to your door is the perfect way to let neighbors know you don’t have your life together. It’s actually really easy to make cobwebs by dying your hair white and ripping it out. Have you consider...

DURHAM, NC—Despite being a long-avowed fan of the British comedian, actor, and director, local nerd Josh Russell is liable to turn against Simon Pegg without any warning whatsoever, sources confirmed Tuesday.

This month marks the 90th anniversary of The Walt Disney Company. Here are some of the most notable moments in the media conglomerate’s history: 1928: Steamboat Willie marks the first appearance of Disney’s iconic character Will...

BRISTOL, CT—On the set of SportsCenter Sunday to talk about the upcoming college basketball season, analyst Dick Vitale expressed his extreme enthusiasm for college hoops, the autumn weather, and most shockingly, the latest al-Qaeda terrorist plots.

Aries Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old. Taurus You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet. Gemini...

WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown enters its second week, a recent CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Monday that an overwhelming majority of Americans just can’t find it in their hearts to blame congressmen for the ongoi...

As the government shutdown nears a full week, neither house of Congress appears ready to budge. Here are some ways the standoff could be resolved: American public takes to streets and overthrows existing government following two unbearable weeks w...

YUMA, AZ—Ever mindful of the skyrocketing cost of medical care, members of the Skolnick family told reporters Friday that the household sets aside a little from each paycheck so that if the time ever comes, they’ll be able to blow it all on a ...

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the NFL season: Winners Denver Broncos: While unofficial polls suggest they beat the Cowboys, officials are still waiting for the last few points to trickle in befor...

PALO ALTO, CA—In light of a troubling number of major injuries in the NFL this season, a new study published Monday by the Stanford University Sports Medicine Center revealed that the only safe part of the body to tackle a football player is a 4-inc...