Join me as I half-ass my way through medical school, encountering all sorts of freaks (patients, classmates, myself, etc.) along the way

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Parenting 101

This being the season of giving (although I do not recall being given a Tivo just yet), I thought I'd give back to the general public in the only way I know how...by giving unsolicited advice in areas of medicine and/or life that I am wholly unqualified to give advice in. With that as a primer, I thought it'd be appropriate to delve into the tricky task of parenting, how to act, what to say, which babies are really just ugly, etc. Seeing as this is a massive topic that would take volumes to cover in its entirety, I thought that, for now, I'd focus on the immediate newborn period, based on my time working in the newborn nursery during my pediatrics rotation and offer up a few tips to carry you through to the new year:

1. Remain Calm. Something remarkable happens to many parents at that moment the baby is delivered, something wholly separate from the heartwarming issues regarding deliveries that I've explored in the past (see exhibit A...and then try to resist me). What I'm referring to is the sudden drop in IQ that occurs to even the brightest of parents when the baby arrives, and whereas only minutes before the prospective father, laden with enough degrees to make even the biggest dork cringe with envy, could be seen calmly reciting lamaze instructions while formulating mathematical equations inside his head, he is soon found saying after the baby has delivered such gems as:

Of course, having yet to have a baby I in no way feel like I have the right to judge anyone in this position, but I must say that after hearing these same moronic comments from countless parents for the last twelve weeks I'm pretty close to jabbing a speculum through my eye.

So in summary, yes, that is normal. And yes, you are retarded.

2. It's All In The Name. This is not a statement about people who choose peculiar names for their children, seeing as I am not exactly in a position to judge given my rather...umm...ethnic first and middle names (my first name, spanning a whopping seven letters, even has a 'Z' in the middle). So three cheers for all the Darcquan's, La Fawnda's (I guess that qualifies as a not-so-obscure movie reference), and Zzyzzx's out there. This is not about them. This about all the parents out there who have the chutzpah to pick out from among the vast landscape of potential names a small subset that are almost guaranteed to send that kid straight to the NICU with some sort of awful disease. Yep, this is a warning to all the future Miracle's, Destiny's, Hope's, and Prayer's out there: if you ever find yourself in the hospital for reasons utterly out of your control, it's only because your parents had the balls to dare God, Allah, Buddah, or the stunningly efficient forces of natural selection into screwing you over purely on principle. Quite frankly, I've never seen so many Miracles in the NICU! Did I seriously just write that? I need a vacation.

3. Make Believe. This applies to those of you who, unlike the parents discussed in part 1, have trouble maintaining consciousness after a baby has come into their lives. Congratulations, it's a boy! Excuse me, sir? It's a boy. A bo - hey, are you awake? Seriously people, it can't be that hard to at least pretend like you care and fake some interest, at least for our sake. I couldn't believe the first time I was denied after offering a father the chance to cut the cord, not out of fear or disgust but simply because "Uhhh it's cool man, I don't really care". Look, if that's your attitude, then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't be making babies in the first place. Just a hunch. In fact, the only thing worse than apathy is antipathy, as you get parent who, only moments after delivery and responding to comments overheard that include things like "The baby seems lethargic, a little out of it, but I guess he's happy..." with (I swear this actually happened):

"He damn well better be happy, he's got more than $100 worth of crack running through his veins right now!"

Good grief.

Well, I hope this has been helpful, but who am I kidding? Anyways, I've just begun my vacation, and will be enjoying some serious down time as I try to figure out what to do with my life and take care of other small tasks, so I don't know when I'll be around to ramble on and on about nothing of significant importance over the next few days. Happy holidays and happy new years, and if anyone sees a drunk fool who vaguely resembles Matthew Perry running up and down the Las Vegas strip on New Year's, please say hello (see I didn't even bother with the pathetic solicitations for Jewish women this ti-oh, wait, I guess that counts).

I swear, sometimes it seems like people should have to pass some sort of test before they are allowed to have children (at least a psych exam might be most helpful)! Your post made me laugh out loud. Keep up the good work!

And, I hope when you do a rotation in child psych you'll devote a post to all the parents who drop their kids off and tell the psych docs to fix the kids - and how painfully aware you become that the parents are the problem and the kid is normal...

As a mother of two, I can attest to the fact that the shock and awe of producing an actual human being makes blithering idiots of most of us at the time of birth. When my son was born, and the nurse brought him to me, I actually asked permission to touch him. I didn't trust myself at that moment to hold him. Later, I realized it was a huge "duh" moment.

On the issue of names, have you ever heard the story about the woman who, after enduring labor for a number of hours, decided to name her newborn girl Placenta because she heard the nurses talking about hers and thought it sounded pretty?

Enjoy your vac in LV. Don't gamble your life away but have fun. So, eat, drink, and be merry. Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year.

I got dumber when I had my son, but I asked questions like, "Is he supposed to be purple like that?" and, "why is he so stiff?" I was assured he was fine on both counts. Of course this reassuring was done by midwives who told me for three hours after delivery that the massive amounts of pain I was in was completely normal, right up until they shoved me into an amublance to have a surgeon repair the massive amounts of internal tearing to hopefully stop the large amounts of internal hemorrhaging that was occuring. By that time I was plenty dumb. And mostly in sleepy land. Ah, good times. Doctor good. Have fun on vacation!

Oh, the names. The Names. They can be bad. Usually they can be bad without the parents remotely realise the harm they are causing. Take Ms. Wang, for instance. Ms. Wang had a baby boy. Named him Richard. We all thought it was a cute old-fashioned name for a little Chinese baby...until we thought about it a little harder...

This kid had the potential to be saddled with not one but TWO penis slang terms:

Now, I'm not sure if this is universal, but my mother, who was an L&D nurse for many years, has told me that the nursing code for an ugly baby is "precious." So, if the nursing staff says, "Aw, what a precious baby!" then you know your baby is ugly.

You know, having a kid does weird things to you. And doctor parents are even WORSE than normal parents (no, not better - worse). So one day, after you've met that gorgeous smart Jewish woman, and persuaded her to bear your babies....you will hear yourself saying anxiously, " Do you think he/she's OK? I mean, don't you think he/she's a bit tachypneic?" and other things in this vein. When you have a perfectly fine, healthy baby.

Hospital birth is all about being meat on a conveyor line anyhow. Why pick one moment and decide it has some special significance? Cutting the cord ranks right up there with mopping up the spillage off the floor.

When my first was born, now seven years ago, I remember checking his nappies by dipping in my finger, and being overjoyed and proud at seeing and smelling his poo. For a couple of months marital conversation was about the baby's poo for about 80% of the time, and we relished every bit of it (the conversation I mean). So yes, parenthood does strange things to one's intelligence and sound judgment.

A 7 letter ethnic name with a "Z" in the middle? Hmmmmmmmm. After spending a silly amount of time with Google, the only name I came up with was Benzion. I'm imagining that your name is more common than that. Oh the challenge of it all.

nice doc. in the classroom, worse than the destinys and miracles are the a.j's, r.j's& t.j's. really, any two letter configuration children i can stuff in a sack. somebody should write a thesis on the slippery slope these parents are sending their children down. no teacher i know ever really wants to teach a riley.

the thing about names-this is what gets me about it-a woman will carry a baby for 9 months and go through all that pain and then give the child a name such as ...taylor("tayla") or ashley ("ashleigh","ashlee") and think that they're being imaginative like no one has ever thought of using that name before and then the child ends up at school with a classroom full of other ashleys and taylors.

ha ha! In my NICU, we have had Miracle, Prayer, Charity, Luna and the occasional unusual conglomeration of syllables such as: Shevontae or Chaquanda

What I like best though, are the names that just don't go together, like "Billy-Jim Tsui" or "Peter Ravanarathan". In my grade 7 class of 60 people, there were 4 others with my first name... at least the chances of that for my future kids will be very, very low.

Hey Ezekial (or should I call you Zeek)...my first cardiac PICU patient was a newborn named Bob. Bobs aren't babies. They usually come out full grown, don't they? Combine my fear of taking care of such a sick baby for the first time and the way 'Bob' and baby do not go together, the whole day I was on the verge of hysterical laughter. I kept picturing a truck driver smoking cigarettes in his big rig.

Thanks for being so honest in your blog- truly a refreshing read each time. How you witness such... nonsense each day and continue in your doctoral pursuits is preplexing and also in an odd way inspiring.

Hi Med!! Great post! Yes parents do become retarded when becoming a parent... It's overwhelming in my defense...

To hear dude deny cutting the cord is sad as hell! I was in the operating room with my sister-in-law while she had a c-section and I cut the cord and watched the entire thing... You should check it out in my archives from October (11th or 12th I think).

Once again a brill post by one funny jewish dude! The fact that you are a doc on top of it all just adds icing to the cake! Not only that, but you provide constant *snags* for your readers... little ~entertainment denumout's (sp?)~ that keep the reader coming back for more! Bravo, doc, bravisssimo! ( Have you ever taken story-telling lessons from any one by the name of Shaherizad?)

just to clarify, "maniac psycho" is a link to the same blog that's been at the top of that (somewhat arbitrary) list for a long time now, just that the writer, who's a) in my class, b) crazy, and c) the posterchild for what two years of medical school can do to people, decided he didn't want his last name on the internet, thus prompting the (rather appropriate, if you ask me) name change. i stopped taking responsibility for the crazy shit that this guy says a long time ago, so read at your own peril...

cool, you do read the comments :)thanks for the clarification. but, you wanna be associated with the junk he says? cuz that's how it is taken if you offer a link to it...it's like recommending it. you wouldn't want all the girls to stop swooning over you now would ya? (k, maybe i'm being a little dramatic ;) )hope you enjoyed vegas!

I'm with michelle and anon on this one doc~ it does represent you in a somewhat *non-kosher* light...

on the other hand, I also note that one of the things that puts doctors under so much pressure is the constant high expectations of them. Now, you being a good Jewish boy, & a doctor, and a fantastic writer with tons of lady readers probably doesn't help that pressure any.

But it IS true... the links you add to your blog definitely do represent you, if for no other reason than that that is all we know of you. If the people who read you want to know more, they can't hook up and head out to the deli, or invite you along with a group of friends, or anything like that. They only have your blog content and the links you choose to add to that blog. So, if you include a snasty link or two on your blog roll, well .. that's likely what peope will think you enjoy. sorry,hehe, there's some more pressure for yah! But you seem to do well under pressure... it will likely change you for the better, as other events seem to have.

I was cruising around some blogs from my fellow nursing friends, found one linked to your blog. I say way to go about half assing it through school, as did I and now I'm working as the lonely nurse on an Indian reserve (here in Canada, the politically correct way to say this is First Nations). Good luck with OB/GYN rotations... I find the best way to get through gushed up parents is to tell them the story about how much cuter their baby is than the pumpkin head baby (there's ALWAYS one on every unit.)The name i HATE the most is Trinity, I don't know why but when I used to teach swimming lessons the girls named Trinity always came from trashy moms who most likely had a trinity of men to choose from who the father was.

This was a funny post. Having just found out that my husband and I expecting, I will be mindful of the idiotic behavior of the people in this blog. And then probably commit each and every dumbass offense they did. The one thing I won't do is name our child something weird. My name is DanCee. Yes, capital C. Having spent 32 years spelling it out I will make sure that my kid doesn't have the same fate.

Hope Vegas was a blur of sin and debauchery that you can never discuss outside the city limits!

By the way, I love maniac psychos' blog. "Christian Nation" post, RIGHT ON! Again, this is a public forum, we all have choices, if you don't like it don't read it. Further more, I think it's unfair that you are being judged by the writings of another person. Apart from what we read here, we have no idea who these people are to you and what you offer to each other in the way of support in such a difficult undertaking. Your still the young, hot jewish doctor to me. I maried a sweet Jewish boy and I can definitely say "Jewish Boys Do It Better!"

That's a great big giant load of doo-doo. I have loads of links on my vlog. They are there because they have caught my eye for whatever reason, not because I believe/stand by/endorse anything they have to say. They are just people like myself with opinions of their very own. If one only links to stuff exactly like their own, they're just denying themselves from learning new things.

If we all believed exactly the same stuff the world would be pitifully boring. A little less violent perhaps, but essentially boring.

I still love the fact that weekly my husband has at least one kid named "Angle". In the afterbirth stupor, the parents misspelled "Angel" or maybe they never could spell it correctly. Either way, I feel for those kids.