Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Disappointment

I received a letter today that helped me narrow down my vacation plans.

It was from my dad telling me that coming to see him in April would not be good for him. Work is so slow, he is going to have to sell off his motorcycle to make the property taxes due. He said he couldn't help me at all with airfare, which I wasn't really considering at this point. It'd have been nice, but I was mainly relying on the refund amount for my ticket to Korea to help me get back home in April.

So I am a bit disappointed in the situation, but then he starts talking about what I mentioned in my email to him, that maybe I could stay in Atlanta and visit him, have the best of both worlds for me, cause I know how much he hates cities. He then told me he didn't think that it was such a good idea because Atlanta is "100 percent black and crime-ridden." and mentioned a bumper sticker that he finds funny "General Sherman, where are you now that Atlanta really needs you," where Sherman was the general who burned the city down during the Civil War.

I don't even know what to say to that. Do I tell him not to say crap like that to me cause it's unappreciated? Do I send him that letter with a white bed sheet set and make mention it'd be the perfect weekend/evening attire for he and his friends, provided the sheets are big enough for a hood and gown? Do I just ignore it for good and let the silence speak for myself?

All I want to do is have some kind of connection with the family that I have left. My mom is gone, her side of the family doesn't want to keep in touch with me (and I have tried in the past), I haven't heard from my brother in months, no Christmas card or thank you for the birthday gift or anything, and then my dad...How does he justify being so comfortably racist with me? This is my own father, the only one I have, and I am really disappointed in how narrow-minded he is, and disappointed that this is what I have to work with, I guess. My brother was telling me the same thing in not so many words when he told me of his visit with him earlier in the year.

I try to explain it to myself that we come from a pretty white part of the States, that probably my dad didn't even go to school with anyone who wasn't white.

I feel I have no real family to speak of sometimes. And that makes me sad, as I feel it's really hard to keep up with them or understand them, but for God's sake they are my family and it's not like I want to cut them off completely. This whole thing really makes me feel a bit lonely.

I want a family who'd be happy to see me and make room for me in their life and be interested in what I am doing, call me, write me, visit me. I have been away for so long and if my own family could just open their eyes, they may realize that where I am living is not so bad. I wish I had a more progressively-minded family for sure.