This Week's Leaders in March 2013 Weddings

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Curious what you think

So I posted this in the "Etiquette" forum, but without the big question. My childhood best friend called me within fifteen minutes of getting engaged, before she even called her own brother, because I was there when she met/ started dating/ broke up with/ (much later) got back together with her now fiance. She lives far away from me now, and I wouldn't have even expected an invite (we've lived 800 miles apart for five years, though we talk all the time) if not for her literally saying that we (me & my now fiance) should stay take a week off and stay at her new house for her wedding. She mentioned me being MOH, but I chalked that much up to her excitement about being engaged. Really, her friend (we'll call Jen) has been closer to her than I have in the last 7-8 years. Jen was her roommate, and I'm really just an old friend. She has friends who know her better than I do now, so I had no expectations.

She's called me to keep me apprised of EVERY wedding plan. We've had no harsh words...and why would we? We're just old friends who make weekly phone calls. But I never received an invite to her wedding (in 3 weeks) and she never mentioned NOT inviting me.

I brought this up a while ago, as anonymously as I'm doing here. I never made remarks about NOT being invited, or complained to anyone but the Knot. I just asked for input because I was hurt. I've dealt with it, and chalked it up to life experience and people moving on. I'm a little sad, but I'm okay with it.

What bugs me is something that shouldn't...some snarky brides who won't admit to being snarky told me that I was being childish and immature to choose NOT to invite her to my wedding. I'm all for "rising above things," but I think that's pretty silly. She verbally invited me, then carefully dodged the fact that she effectively "un"invited me without explanation. Even if I was inclined to invite her, hasn't she demonstrated that we're not really "friends" anymore, and that we're merely old acquaintances? Furthermore, wouldn't it be considered poor form to invite someone who would have to travel 1000 miles if you're not explicitly close? Inviting her before this would have been a no-brainer before this, but now, I don't feel like we're close friends anymore, and inviting her might actually look bad (gift-seeking, or whatever).

Any opinions? I'm past my self-pity. Now I'm just trying to be both practical and polite.

Re: Curious what you think

first could the invite have been lost in the mail...(hopeful question but most likely no)

i still think that you should invite her. there may be something she isnt letting on. just because you are good friends doesnt mean that you tell each other everything. maybe they are having a smaller wedding then they thought. i am sure as you plan things change and not always in the direction that you want them. if you are as good of friends as you have mentioned then it cant hurt to extend the olive branch, either way you are the bigger person to invite her.

Did you ever talk to her about all of this? It's sad that this has created a situation in which you and she will likely no longer be friends. I think that an honest conversation wither her would go a long way.

It was shitty of her to talk about the wedding the way that she did and then not invite you, but I bet there is more to this story and unless you talk to her about it, you will never know. And I do feel that you should be the bigger person here and invite her to your wedding.

Do you know the details of her wedding like the number of guest, etc. ? Is she having a small intimate wedding or a large wedding. Did you ever ask he about invites? You said you talk all the time to her, just ask her? Were your intentions to invite her in the first place? I would also send her an invite. She probably won't come because of the distance if she didn't want to come at all.

You were all a great help! Thank you! I know my invitation didn't get lost in the mail. She is having a small wedding. I would have been fine with not being invited...small wedding or not, I do live far away. Plus, I'm a student on a limited budget, and her wedding is during my last semester. There are plenty of reasons that NOT inviting me would actually be considerate--travel, money, and timing. She could have listed any ONE of these and I would have not only understood, but I would even have been grateful that she was not putting any pressure on me to come.

Of course, she is important enough to me that I saved up enough in the past 18 months (since she announced her engagement) for my fiance & I to travel AND to pay for a hotel and other expenses. We both sought out our professors early and made arrangements to be absent for the long weekend.

The fact is, she "uninvited" me without having the guts to admit that she did so. I'm not complaining about the extra $2000 in my bank account or the fact that I won't be missing classes. I'm really uncomfortable with the fact that she wasn't honest with me, and was not considerate enough to at least tell me that (for whatever reason) she chose to leave me off the list.

I'd love to have a heart-to-heart with her, but it's literally weeks before her wedding now. Her behavior was crappy, but she still deserves to be happy on her wedding day, and not lamenting the fact that she alienated me. She knows what she's done, since she's been avoiding me. I think the best course of action is to just let it go, and back off entirely. She can't avoid me forever (if she does, well...that's just sad), and it will come up eventually. If she's apologetic, I'll invite her to my wedding. If not, then it's pretty clear to me that our friendship is meaningless to her and I REALLY have to let it go.