Wedding Planning Tales From Hell

Wedding planning is so annoying. It isn’t fun anymore. It was fun for several months and now it ain’t. We were planning a fun retro wedding at the soul museum and now since the incident on NYE with his oldest daughter, well, I want immediate family only in the living room. To be honest it wasn’t just that incident, that was just the straw that broke my bridezilla back.

Honestly, at some point over Christmas, I realized that I was exhausted from the holidays and that holidays are supposed to be fun. Then I thought, “You know what else is supposed to be fun? Our wedding.” That was followed immediately by, “OMG, I’m going to be exhausted.” I realized that getting married at 50 is nothing like getting married at 32.

When I was 32 do you know what I had to worry about?

NOTHING. Zip, Nada, Just myself.

Now, I was not a bridezilla, but I was totally self centered and didn’t worry about a thing. I had a job, a house, and a momma that took care of every little detail and a daddy that wrote the checks. I have no idea who set up the chairs or tablecloths and I have NO DAMN CLUE who took them all down again.

When it was over, I threw my bouquet and Stanley and I exited the building in a flurry of bubbles.

Now I’m 50 and it isn’t my momma’s job to do that stuff and it isn’t my daddy’s job to pay.

It occurred to me that I was going to be wearing lots of hats, doing it all by myself (sorry Al, but I will), worrying about kids, parents, Al’s visiting family, weird family dynamics, trying to look pretty, trying to make sure my house and yard were perfect for all these visitors, and all that shit was going to be me, me, me. Me in a quite different way than when I was 32. I will be wearing lots of hats: I will be bride, mom (most important), stepmom (must be done perfectly so as to start off on a good foot), hostess

as opposed to last time when I was only the bride.

I saw flashes of what it could be like… kids upset and having meltdowns, me running all over town and trying to set everything up myself, dragging myself in front of the officiant with my dress skirt tucking into my panties and lipstick on my teeth.

I exhausted myself just thinking about it.

What I want: a meaningful, joyous day to say vows to the love of my life.

What it is going to be like:

So now I am in the arduous process of trying to talk the groom (zilla) into a smaller intimate wedding.

He’s killing me. This is how it is going and this is a cut and paste job.:

Me: Ok, I want to do an intimate wedding in someone’s living room earlier that week. Cake and champagne. Maybe go out for a nice dinner after with immediate family. parents, kids, sibs optional. Then have people come in and have a reception on the 13th. That way on the 13th we can not worry about wedding stuff. Let me know your thoughts.

Him: I would love to do that. Intimate for us. Celebration for everyone else.

Me: I don’t know how your family would feel about missing the ceremony, meaning your aunts and cousins etc.

Him: Hell we could surprise them all and do it at a ” rehearsal dinner”

Me: okay, babe you are not getting the concept of ‘intimate ceremony’. There is no point n doing it ahead if everyone is there!

He then changed the subject. HA. To be honest he was watching football.

So, I tried the same thing this past weekend with almost exactly the same results. I tried to change tactics. I tried to talk about the exhaustion we will feel and how again, we don’t want to have 2 parties. There is no point doing the ceremony before if everyone comes. My reasoning is that if we do the ceremony a few days before with just immediates there, I can just be the bride. I can think of my vows and my happiness and it will be more meaningful for me and I will be less likely to bite his head off if I am not worried about how many wrinkles are still left in the tablecloths that I ironed that morning. So, I said, “We could even do the ceremony like on Thursday, then go off on our own to dinner and stay at the best hotel In town. Then we can join them all again on Friday rested and ready to party.” He said, “Yes! We could also go down to hear music and dance after dinner.”

No, I’m old, we will be having a big party the next day and I’m going to be tired!

Now, I recognize that this is Al’s wedding too. He has lots of family (apparently the Italians like to party) coming in including 3 that already have tickets from overseas. Yes. You read that right. This is an international event. I am on the hook for a party/reception on June 13, 2015. I just thought that since I will have to hostess all of these people and do kids in varying states of happiness about this union, that he might agree to the low key ceremony before I go into hostess mode. I have to go on record as saying that I have rarely seen a groom that cared about any of this. He says that my house and yard don’t have to be perfect but of course they do because people will want to come over and see his new digs. He says the kids will be fine. Riiiight.

To be continued.

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This custody arrangement is somewhat new and I recognize can only be used in special circumstances. I know there are many instances in which it won’t work. For example, if your ex is immature, jerkish, a liar, bat shit crazy or just all around such a dumb ass that they must be avoided for your own sanity, then forget about it!