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Ms Chase, Life Coach

Category: Relationship

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Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

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I recently cheated on my boyfriend while he was overseas due

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I recently cheated on my boyfriend while he was overseas due to emotional issues. I only slept with the guy once but I did start to have feelings for him. It was a big mistake, my boyfriend found out but he has accepted me back - I'm now trying to do everything I can to make it up to him. But he now feels that it's fair for him to spend time and flirt with other girls behind my back (in the same secretive manner that I kept this other guy a secret as well). He's very reluctant to share details about the girls he hangs out with, but I believe him when he says he is not looking to have sex with anyone else. I think he just wants to have the same liberties I had while he was overseas. I've told him I don't like this but he says that he took me back after what I did to him and the lies I told him, therefore I should be able to tolerate his less serious indiscretions as well. Can you please tell me if I should stop this? I love him very much and don't want to lose him but I don't like this.

Of course you should stop it, it's unhealthy. Yes, you cheated, and he has to decide if he's going to forgive you or not forgive you, period. If he's going to forgive you, he has to forgive you with his whole heart, right now, all he's doing is punishing you for what you did. If he can't forgive you, then you will probably have to split. I could see where he might say because you cheated then you have to prove yourself to him to gain back trust, but it seems like the only thing he's doing now is using your mistake as an excuse for him to do what he wants. There's no way for this to move to a better place if all he's looking to do is pay you back. You may want to consider couples therapy to see if the two of you can get past this.

Hi Chase,Thanks so much for your decisive answer. I just want to add as well, in case you think it changes anything, that it wasn't just the guy that I slept with. I sometimes used to chat to male friends as well in a way that my boyfriend didn't like - nothing inappropriate, but sometimes flirtatious. And I did hang out with another guy a few times (nothing happened but he did like me). So overall my behaviour in the last couple of months hasn't been very good. Does it make more sense now, why my boyfriend is doing this?Thanks

Thank you for that additional information. We teach people how to treat us. So in many ways you've shown him how to treat you, by your own actions. I would ask if you were afraid of allowing him to get close, or were you fearful of how he felt about you....the things you did placed a lot of distance between you and him and now you want him to stop doing the very things you were doing. You already must know in your head and heart that this isn't good for either one of you. If one or both of you is going to continue to do this, it's best if you split up until you can both agree as to the status and nature of your relationship. right now it's just games and getting back at each other, which is very unhealthy.

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