9 Tips To Turn “Internet Dating” Into A Long-Term Relationship

Long distance relationships maintained via the net can be stressful and frustrating, leaving one with a constant longing for the physical presence of their loved one. While many of these relationships seem destined to fail, there are many cases where patience and resolve culminated into a healthy, full fledged relationship. We here at Every Woman Weekly hope to help you navigate these turbulent waters of internet dating and see you to the other side of the world wide storm.

Online Dating Tip No. 1: First come, First Serve!

Don’t bother with discretion, and immediately go for the first person who approaches you. The idea behind doing this is that he/she is the person with the most current interest in you, which is the strongest foundation on which to build a relationship. If you take too long to respond, they may pass you up for someone who is obviously showing more interest!

Online Dating Tip No 2: Share Adult Photographs Immediately!

These should go in your introduction. A time stamped photograph with your face featured prominently is required to garner trust. With the advent of “catfishing”, this is insurance that you are being honest and forthcoming about your identity.

Online Dating Tip No: 3 Waste No Time

We’re living in much faster times than our parents before us. In the age of technology, we have dating apps, and services to forms of immediate gratification! It’s all about getting what we want right now, before quickly moving onto the next as our interest and ability to maintain focus weakens with each meme we peruse. That’s why you gotta put those goods on the meat market before someone else swoops in and steals your potential soul mate!

Online Dating Tip No 4: Immediately Unload Your Emotional Baggage!

Drop those suitcases full of trauma right at his proverbial doorstep. Everything from the childhood abuse, to the terrible birthday you had when you turned 16; Nothing is too insignificant for your new SO to learn about, or to construct a stronger bond of trust and understanding between the two of you.

Online Dating Tip No 5: Test Their Resolve

Demand their undivided attention during every waking moment of the day via calls, texts, and instant messages. During these formative stages of your relationship it is important that you test their resolve. Try spending an entire day sending them messages until they respond, and then wait exactly 24 hours before replying with a long, rambling text which accuses them of ghosting before quickly switching back to your normal, sane self! Like they say, ladies, if he can’t handle you at your absolute bat-shit insane worse, then he doesn’t deserve you at your warm, and energetic best!

Online Dating Tip No 6: Look Into Their Background

After about a week your online relationship should be considered “serious”. Now is the time to pilfer through their social media profiles making sure to go back at least three years worth of posts. Also let them know how interested you are by “liking” every photo they’ve ever posted. If they belong to a social media site that you don’t, sign up and begin following them. Insist that they follow you back, otherwise they’re essentially cheating on you. This will also help you lay claim to your new man.

Online Dating Tip No 7: Ingrain Yourself In Their Lives

Add all their exes on Social media and immediately begin asking them questions about your potential soul mate. This is similar to how employers call previous managers to verify their employment history. After all, who is more likely to give you a reliable and unbiased account of their experience with your partner? Additionally, you can fish for ideas on birthday presents and potential blackmail, just in case you need leverage during a particularly nasty, but inevitable lover’s spat.

Online Dating Tip No 8: Show Him Your Dedication

Make your profile image on all social media accounts a dedication to your love. Photoshop a photo of you two together, with heart graphics, and a warm quotes about eternal love. As you do this, insist that he take down any photos of him with other females, as you have obviously already done this yourself out of respect for this budding marriage. This includes photos of platonic female friends, (because let’s face it, that’s not something that exists), family members, and ESPECIALLY ex girlfriends. If he does not comply, be sure to leave passive aggressive comments such as, “who is the 70 year old skank?” on photos of his mom, or simply, “This is my boyfriend, back off ladies”.

Online Dating Tip No 9: Show The World Your Dedication

Lastly, obsessively post, tag, talk about your awesome new relationship on your social media profile. People love hearing about a healthy romance, and your new significant other will appreciate all of the attention. Be sure to also update your feeds regularly with anecdotes about how lucky and rewarding your relationship is. . This also keeps other harlots from approaching who is quickly becoming your prospective future husband.

Hopefully you can turn this online dating thing into a real life dating thing, and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, possibly even lifelong marriage!

Enid Mozzer

Enid is a 23-year-old student at the "School Of Hard Knocks", a phrase she insists she coined IN 2016. Self-diagnosed bipolar, with traits of dissacociative order, and sociopathy, Enid's writing comes from a feeling of duty, and compassion for her fellow woman. Ms Mozzer feels she generally knows what is best for others, and is happy to share these nuggets of wisdom.
Unfortunately we cannot fire Enid as she somehow came into possession of photographs which depict the site's publisher in a compromising position. For this reason--and this reason alone--Enid gets free reign around here, and will likely put Every Woman Weekly out of business or have us embroiled in a heated lawsuit by year's end.
Enid requests that we also add to her bio that she is currently single, and lives with her 7 cats in an RV parked on a portion of her parent's property. “Rent free”, she says. If you would be interested in dating Enid please email her here with a photo, detailed list of physical statistics, and at least three paragraph about about yourself, why Enid should date you, and what you expect/can provide in a long term relationship.