Argument Techniques To Avoid

3- The blame game

As a blamer, you find any weak excuse to make someone else the bad guy instead of admitting your fault. This is a defense mechanism. Perhaps you feel that admitting your faults will negate your side of the argument or that you’ll lose the fight if you give one iota. Your claim is that the fight is due to someone else’s mistakes. Unfortunately, when you deny responsibility, you are unable to settle disputes by mutually conceding some points and making compromises with your adversary. Your opponent must accept fault if there is to be any resolution to the dispute. This may work a couple of times, but it will wear on relationships and no issue will ever be totally settled. Respect may also be lost for those who always give in.

New tactic: In the end, you can admit your fault while still driving your point home. Admit to your secretary that you flew off the handle and tell her that you’re sorry. Above all, explain that it bothers you when she constantly corrects you. This way, you still assert your point of view while exposing the two sides. People are generally far more willing to give if you give.

4- Playing the victim

The victim also shirks responsibility, but instead of coming off as triumphant in an altercation, the victim wants to be pitied. When the victim is accused of being arrogant and pushy, he claims to only want to be liked — and then he cries about the fact that his opponent has done just the opposite. This causes the opponent to claim responsibility for the fight, promising to never doubt the victim again. The victim has now underhandedly secured a role in which he will never be viewed as guilty. In time, this will grate against the nerves of the parties involved. Friends and coworkers may begin to feel that the victim doesn’t pull his own weight — and any attempt at challenging the status quo will only turn awry. Eventually, others will get fed up and ditch you if you play the victim.

New tactic: Buck up and admit your fault. Tell your opponent if you genuinely feel that you’ve been trampled on, but assert your need for change on that front. If you’re arrogant and pushy, tell people you’re aware of that fact and that you’re trying to make changes. Acknowledge your role in the altercation and move toward a resolution.

5- For lack of a better word

Swearing when you’re angry comes off as out of control, unprofessional and insensitive. Swearing never eases the tensions in a fight. If you swear at the person you’re fighting with, you’re insulting his dignity. This tactic shifts the fight from a disagreement of opinions to a personal attack. Name-calling is especially out of bounds. This behavior packs even more punch because it resonates beyond the fight itself — if you’ve called your boss a name, even if the fight is settled, he’ll always remember what you really think of him.

New tactic: Keep it clean. Not to beat a dead horse, but stick to the problem at hand. Concentrate on the behavior, not the person. Your point will be clearer if you speak rationally, and things may actually shift in your favor.