..-. r HE Balloon was inflated nearly to the full with laughing gas,-that volatile
Element having been selected as the most likely to enable the Balloon to rise six
(s)miles high. The monstrous machine was struggling furiously with the ropes,
S which (" with one a-cord," as Mu. COXWELL remarked) were restraining it from
ascending.
/ L The last bottle of champagne and the last Perigord pie had been placed in
the car, and ME. COXWELL was about to follow them, when three strangers
pushed through the laughing crowd, that formed a sort of ha-ha fence about
the raised platform, from which the silken ship of the air was to be launched.
The first of these strangers was a fine young fellow, with a roving eye,
and a face full of fire and intellect. Introducing himself to MR. COXWELL as FANCY, he asked permission to make
the ascent. It was at once granted; whereupon, the second of the party, a gentleman of middle age, with a staid
countenance and gold-rimmed spectacles, preferred the same request.
"Ma. GLAISHER, I believe! said the intrepid aeronaut.
No, sir," replied the stranger, "my name is USEFULNESS,-but I have the pleasure of an intimate acquaintance e
with the gentleman you mention."
Pray be seated, sir,-any friend of his is welcome "
The third stranger approached. He was of striking and peculiar appearance, and looked very young.
"Your name, sir ?" asked the courageous COXWELL.
"NOVELTY," said the other; and without waiting an invitation, he threw a summersault into the car,-a new
mode of dropping in upon friends, which elicited a roar of laughter from the crowd.
At this moment two servants, in Magenta liveries turned up with gold, approached, bearing between them an
immense case, which looked like a case of champagne. This they immediately proceeded to deposit in the car.
Good gracious! exclaimed COXWELL, who, for once in his life, was taken aback; eh-why-stay-stop !
Why-oh! you know, you musn't take that champagne, we shall never get the Balloon to rise with such a weight."
You will find," said the trio in the car, joining in chorus, that our little box, so far from preventing the
Balloon's going off, will raise it immensely,-especially in the public estimation."
And, sure enough, as if the cargo had been an additional reservoir of laughing gas, the Balloon began to strain
and strive upward.
"We ought to explain to you," continued the three, that the case does not contain champagne, but something
quite as exhilarating, though infinitely cheaper; and, besides, it is not intoxicating."

*c\ ~' '

iv PREFACE.

Without further words, the intrepid COXWELL gave the sign to let go, and in another second the Balloon was
mounting rapidly into the air. All the people in the streets of London, as soon as they saw it, began to cry,
according to their wont, Ha-ha, Bal-loon! Ha-ha, Bal-loo !"
Up-up they went, with almost alarming rapidity. Never had Balloon risen so before. And why? Because
never had Balloon before contained such risible matter. For, behold, when FANCY opened the case it was full of
SECOND VOLUMES OF FUN, bright in Magenta and gold!
With an intellectual avidity, increased by the rarity of the atmosphere around him, the undaunted pilot of air,
COXWELL, took one of the books, and began to peruse it.
At this immense altitude, it was now remarked that none of those unpleasant symptoms appeared which are
supposed to show themselves in aerial travellers. ME. COXWELL'S sides ached, and he was attacked by those spasms of
the diaphragm, known to medical men as the risus tremendous, but the sensations were rather pleasant than otherwise.
Respiration was not impeded; there was much cachinnation, but no catching of the breath. FANcY stated that he
felt a slight shooting in the os humozuri; USEFULNESS experienced a fulness in the head, arising from a rush of ideas
to that part; and NOVELTY, whose circulation was rapid, had a running of the comic vein.
Although the travellers were at such an immense height, the earth was plainly visible, owing to the fact that
the freight of the car dissipated all the clouds in the vicinity, and drove away the vapours. That they were, in their
turn, seen from earth, was proved by the flaming accounts of the new comet, which appeared in the papers next day-
the Balloon, lighted with the flashes of merriment" it contained, being mistaken for the lesser luminary. But it now
became necessary to stop the further ascent of the Balloon, which had been going up with increased rapidity ever since
the production of FUN, and was now in imminent danger of bursting-into a fit of laughter. The volumes were accord-
ingly thrown out, and fluttered gracefully down to earth. Immediately, with a loud giggle, the Balloon began to descend.
In half-an-hour the laughter of the crowd outside 80 Fleet-street was distinctly audible. In an hour the grapnels
were thrown out, and, after catching up various very ridiculous objects and persons, finally took a firm hold in the
neighbourhood of Funchal. The travellers reached terra firma shortly afterwards at Fundy, from which place they
returned to London by electric telegraph-finding, all along their route, the people of earth charmed, instructed, and
entertained by the SECOND VOLUME of the joint production of

FANCY, USEFULNESS, AND NOVELTY!

._. ..0- .
-*x~17
[7 7

W1 I

PAN AT THE PLAY.
Ma. FECHTER'S Iago may fairly be described as an exquisite gem of
conception, sparkling in a rich setting of marvellously wrought
delineation. It needed no gift of prophecy to fortell that the artist
who, alone of all men within the memory of our generation, has
risen to the level of Hamlet, would, in forming his ideal of the
character of the arch-tempter, avoid the glaring errors of many of his
predecessors. His genius would naturally prevent him from making
lago, as we have seen him made, so transparent a villain that the
conclusion was inevitable that all the other personages in the story
were afflicted with what DR. FORBES WINSLOW calls "congenital
amentia." Nor could we be surprised to find that his keen percep-.
tion of human nature had taught him that the wily Venetian need not
necessarily affect brusquerie in order to gain the repute of honesty,
as has been fancied by others of his stage representatives. The most
dangerous of villains is your smooth-tongued man of the world, who
can be all things to all men, and shows himself with equal ease the
boon companion, the candid counsellor, or the condoling friend-the
cynic who is the type of high intellect, denuded of the control of
conscience, and rendered the more potent for evil by union with the
insinuating blandishments of manner. This is lago as we have
dreamed of him in the study, but as we never saw him behind the
foot-lights until MR. FECHTER placed him there. I shall not attempt
to dwell upon the detailed beauties of a performance which was, from
first to last, a masterpiece of art. MR. FECHTER has lost much of
the accent which was at first wont to jar on the unaccustomed ear;
but after all, his pronunciation matters little, for it is not with his
voice alone that he speaks,-an unceasing flood of eloquence flows
from all his features. His facial play throughout this performance
is in itself an unmatched marvel. I wish that MR. RYDER, who was
the Othello, had not tried to mingle oil and water, for between the
two stools of the old and the new school he more than once very
nearly came to the ground. By the way, what a blessing the stage
business, which forms a prominent feature of that new school, must
be to the players. I know it is an old dramatic tradition that a hero
never sits down; but to let him repose now and then in a chair at
table, is not only char-i-table, but true art, mildewed veterans not-
withstanding. How pleasant it is, too, to see the personages in a

tragedy moving about and talking like real men and women, instead
of strutting like peacocks with the spasms, and boring each other to
death with set orations. MR. GEORoG JORDAN played Cassio like a
mute in unusually low spirits. If this gentleman has anything on
his mind, let him out with it at once; when he has made a clean
breast of it, perhaps he will not look as if the demon Despair was in-
cessantly gnawing at his vitals. With MIss CARLOTTA LECLRCQ I
have only one fault to find,-that no Othello could ever have made
up his mind to kill such a charming Desdemona. The restoration of
Bianca is one of the laudable features of this version, and MR.
FECHTER has done this so judiciously, that there is nothing in the
text to show that she was other than a well.conducted young lady
with whom Cassio had been enjoying a flirtation. This is fortunate,
seeing that Bianca is played by modest-looking and bewitching
Miss ROSE LECLERCQ, and I can only say that if I had been in the
place of Cassio, I should have- Well, sir, what are you waiting for ?
How dare you ask me to finish the sentence ? I am not bound to tell
you everything, am I ? It is useless to apologize, for I am offended,
and so break off in high dudgeon.

THE NOMINATIVE AND ACCUSATIVE CASE.-FRANCIS ATKINSON was
charged, at the Old Bailey, with feloniously intermarrying with
ALBERTINA REGINA VICTORIA GOTHA BOULT; his wife, SARAH ANNE,
being then alive. The BouLT having turned on him, the key is also
to be turned on him for the period of three months for each of her
Christian names.
CRUEL TO BE KIND.-It is a common practice with the inhabitants
of the crowded parts of the city, during the summer months, in order
to induce a healthy tone and refreshing slumber in their children, to
give them a blow in the Temple before retiring to rest.
THE LAST OF THE BARONS.-BARON BRAMWELL asked MR. HAwXKIs,
Q.C.-Quaint Chap ?-the other day, whether he didn't think that a
person with taper fingers was best adapted for writing light liters-
ture ?
To THE LEGAL PROFESSION.-Why is the first volume of Fu hlke
a counsellor's wig ?-Because i's forensic, sir. (Four-and-six, sir.)
THE BANS oF MARRIAOE.-Mothers-in-law.

VOL. II. B

_I~

~

2

THE BOTCHERBY PAPERS.

March 7.-The Lords.
Dr.BY moro blame bestowed
On the Education Code.
NomRmlAsY's Marquis-PirrPPs-
Vowed the Italian Government clips
The freedom of the press,
'lian the Bourbon did, no less.
'Tlier of the Code again
Did LYTTELTON complain,
A nd proposed a few. recisions
Of somo of its provisions;
And a support he found and helper,
In the STBRTT, called BARON BELPER.
But rose the EARL ov GRANVIL.LE-
Laid the amendments on the anvil,
And such a hammering gave to them,
That LORD LYTTrrTON withdrew them.
The Commons.
LEFROY, how the POPE'S O'REILLY,
And his friends had acted vilely
At Longford late, did mention,
And asked Government's intervention.
Then GREORY protest made
'Gainst the Paper and Stone Blockade,
Wherein Taunton's BENTINCK backed him,
And Bradford's FOSTER attacked him;
And then Six JAXaES FERGUSSON
Helped, what GREGORY did discuss, on;.
MONCKTON MILNES said, for his part,
The beating of his own heart"
Owned Briton just like Yankee-
(To which FUN replies, "No, thank'ee!")
LINDSAY vowed the South was right
For self-government to fight.
Next SOLICTroR-GBNERAL PALMER,
Took a view more narrow and came
And gave Government his aid,
Tn allowing the sham blockade..
Then CECIsr-but who cares
A rap what he declares ?
So the House closed at eleven,
As the Peers had done at seven.
March 10.-The Lords.
On Blockaded Southern Ports
STRATHEDEN first reports,
And, en passant, advocates
The recognition of those States;
This, EArL RUSSELL says that he
Does not exactly see.
And the Lords dropt politics
At nearly half-past six.
The Commons.
Dizzy began clop-trapping
(Bub caught not PAM a-napping)
About a proclamation savage,
'Gainst Italian Brigands' ravage.
On the Reporting of Supply
The words ran rather high,
For to Sandhurst they got back,
And SELWYN led the attack;

FUT N.

And says COLONEL BROWNLOW KNOX,
My feelings it quite shocks,
That Government should edge
From a former solemn pledge."
But the pledge, 'twas proved by BAEINe,
Was proposed by him, despairing,
And offered on condition
Of withdrawal of opposition.
And PAr forthwith laid ope
"A flattering tale," despite of HOPE;
But Government, COLONEL DICKSON
Vowed, had tried some ugly tricks on;
Still the reconsideration
Of the vote got approbation.
ADMIRAL WALCOT next did chat
About Steam Tactics, and all that.
And SAM SLICK expressed his fears
About Mexican Privateers,
And abused our intervention,
As for bad debts a contention;
LAYARD our course defended,
And so the matter ended.
March 11.-The Lords.
CHELMSFORD made protestation
'Gainst the Mad Law alteration,-
The old rules had well availed,
And in one case only failed;
That long-winded case of WINDHAM
Was no reason to rescind 'em;
And it really seemed to him
Their reform was but a whim."
LORD SHAFTESBUBY descanted
On the Bill, and vowed 'twas wanted;
And after him the CHANCELLOR
Declared it was not fancy law;
And what he said LORD DERBY
And he were set to spar by.
LoDn ST. LEONARD'S (lately SUGDEN)
Said no new laws need be lugged id ;
And, vowed the BARON CRANWORTI,
Downright nothing was the plan worth.
The Commons.
WOBERT MONTAGUE-the Lord-
Wished a sort of Audit Board,
To be chosen annually,
The Estimates to valley, "
A stronger check intending
On Government's lavish spending.
On this measure FRANCIS BARINau
Of his censure was not ring,
And Iated MONTAGUE was cracked-
Which is not far from the fact.
And staid FRED. PEEL prose
The measure to oppose;
And rosy JIrma WHITE
;Said (what was really right)
'The expenditure's fast growing
To their own neglect was owing.
NEWDEGATE and Gus SMITH
Went the resolution with;
But GLADSTONE went aginn it,"
So LORD WOBERT did'nt win it.
International Maritime Law
Was the next pretext for "jaw;"
MB. HOBSFALL (the M.P.
For Liverpool, is he)
Wished, when countries warfare made,
They should spare all ships of trade;
But ATHERTON told HORSFALL,
He could not in with this course fall;
But to the proposition LIDDELL
SPlayed with pleasure second fiddle;
Then, said MR. BAILLIE COCHeaNE,
We our heads against a block ran,
As the first-rate naval nation,
In the Paris Declaration,
But that fact did not constrain
Us to do the same again.
Then BOWYER had some talk-
Into whom did LEWIs walk.

[MAxCH 22, 1862.

Then, after some more prattle;
They put off all further battle
Until Monday.. So by one
All the business was done.
March 12.-The Lords.
On this day of the year
The Peers did not appear.
The Commons.
The Deceased Wife's Sister Bill
Was treated very ill,
For it had to bear the brunt
Of a fierce attack from HUNT,
Who proposed six months' deferment-
(That's the same thing as interment),
A proposal MR. BALL
Would not listen to at all.
When he had finished, MONSELL,
Like canary bird with groundsel,
Picked the Bill to bits and tatters,
And discussed a lot -f matters.
JOLLIFFE spoke upon HUNT'S side;
And the House called out, "Divide,"
Especially when GREGSON
Was perceived to be his legs on.
The Bill was lost beyond recovery.
And then rose MR..BouvERIE,
Leave to bring a Bill did urge he,
For Conscientious Doubting Clergy,
To improve that dreary farce on,,
Of Once Parson, always Parson;"
Leave was granted, though opposed.
At two p.m. the Commons closed.
March 13.-The Lords.
Mad Law Reform once more
Was brcug it upon the floor,
And WESTBuny did chaff
DERBY, and raised a laugh;
For the Earl ilt rather ill,
And couldn't manage to sit still.
The New Forest and the Shannon,
Next discussion briefly ran on;
And my lords they cut their sticks
At nearly half-past six.,
The Commons.
,O'REILLY-'mid BOWYERa cheers--
To take his seat appears,
Whereat Collective Wisdom laughs.
Bishops, Malt, and Telegraphs,
Were chatted upon.first;
Then the House discussed Sandhurst.
OSBORNE casually did mention,
LEwIS gave much more attention,
To the old-fashioned astronomy
Than the War Office economy;
An allusive way of phrasing
That the Baronet was star-gazing.
(LEWIS vowed to carry yet,
The vote SELWYN had upset).
ADDERLEY wished to know
How New Zealand, matters go?
Said FORTESCU,, All square,
By keeping lots of soldiers, there!"
Whereat ROEBUCK--lias "Tear'em"-
Made some comments, harum-scarumn.
Then the House went to Supply.
LEWIS had another try
(And this time did succeed, too)i
To get Sandhurst's vote agreed to..
PAKINGTON PAGET hailed
About a transport that had.failed.
And PAGET spun a yarn,,
,That left little JOHN "a-starn,"
About gales, and sails, and leaks,
Engine stoppages and breaks,
Which, though vouched correct, I fancy,,
Was rather Sea-Romancy.'
The House adjourned at, last,
After one-five minutes past.

__

MAiCB .22, 1862.} F -' i ST. 3

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
EROLITES. -Meteoric stones,
which generally descend as soon
Sas Parliament rises. A large one
I fell into the columns of the Times,
last autumn. Some analyzer of
the paragraph, who knew so many
lies are connected with the pheno-
i menon, discovered this aerolite was
S indebted for its visibility to a
vacuum in space. There is no'
i t doubt, however, about the exist-
ence of meteoric stones, which are
always found to contain iron and.
nickel. One of great size fell in
the early 'part of this century at
H Kron, in Germany, and was duly
Kron-nickelled in the local papers
of the time as being a nigh 'un.
Shooting-stars belong to the same
class, and an actor who moves in
an eccentric orbit through the
country is called a shooting-star
when, by the number ofhis points,
he secures a decided hit. When
representing Hamlet, he speaks of
his ear having met-a-Yorick's tones.
AERosTATICS.-A branch of
science which treats of the equili-
S brium and pressure of air. The
mean 'pressure of the air is esti-
mated at fifteen pounds on every
square inch, but when the air comes through a barrel-organ, it is
frequently found altogether unendurable. The pressure diminishes
as we ascend, so the air, which is not to be borne in the parlour,
will leave the gequillbrium undisturbed in the higher parts of the
house. This ahow the Tpractical benefit arising from the study of
airiest-attics.
IEsoP.-An ancient Greek who wrote fables, and whose history is so
very uncertain that many have considered him to be a fable himself.
He is said to have been a slave.at Samos, and by his af-fable manners
to have got his liberty, the same as others have done, who, having
been free with their stories, have thus taken a liberty themselves.
BENTLEY, the great critic, who was evidently posed by BEsoP, declared
that the fables were transmitted entirely through tradition; but when
he was asked for his authority, he could only say JEsop-posed so.
AGRICULTURE.-The art of tilling the land, which, until it is brought
into a state of fertility, will be of no utility to the farmer, and bring
nothing into the till of the tradesman. The earth is a magazine, of
which DAME NATURE is a most industrious editor, the articles being
generally of the best quality, and always fitted for the largest circula-
tion. Wheat is regularly published in the autumn, and though
usually considered a cereal, is bound every ear, and is considered in its
complete form a work that ought to be on every shelf and lie on every
table. Rotation crops are crops that succeed one another; but if one
seed does not succeed, it is best to try another, and so you go on. A
row of turnips may be followed by a row of potatoes, which is a row-
tatory crop, and this again by a row of beans, which is a beany-ficial
crop. When you have got a farm and nothing comes up, the sooner
you cut it the better.
ALCHEMY.-The reputed art among the ancients of making gold
and silver, but on no other grounds than those of one THOMAS TIDDLER,
an apocryphal personage often referred to in the early ages, have
we really any reason to suppose that anything was ever picked up by
those who professed that to be their game. The most probable
etymology derives alchemy from the ancient name of Egypt, which
was Chemi, the Hebrew Cham or Ham. The earliest European
writer on the subject is BAcoN. It was ROoER, of that name, who
thought to discover a salt which would be a perfect cure, and who
followed GEBER, with all his gibberish, in the belief that potable gold
was the elixir of life. The ancients tried to make gold out of lead;
the moderns perform the same experiment with a certain amount of
brass. No elixir, exactly of that kind contemplated by the alchymists,
is now prepared from potable gold; but a banker's draught, taken at
regular intervals, has been found a sovereign remedy for a poor state
of the system.

DooMSDAY BooK.-Stubbs's Gazette.

MEN OF THE DAY.

NEW book, entitled "Eminent Men of
the Time," by M1. WALLFRurr, lato
scholar of Belial College, is a very
clever production. We subjoin a few
extracts from the accounts of eminent
individuals now honouring us with
their existence.
JONEs.-Tho subject of this present
short memoir was born of poor but,
respectable parents in the town it
S\--. At an early ago he showed
many signs of his future o eminence,
having been born in a thrco-pair back,
whence his family removed to the nat w.
As ho often attempted to climb iup
the bars of the small window, (from
which elevated position 'lie would, in
Small probability, have fallen into fI.
street, it was at one time considered
That his death was more inuninvi ,
than his lifo has subsequently bein.
The benefits which he has confierren
on our own age are too well known to
need recording in this page.
S SMIT1m.-Equal to six eminent men
S in a general way. By his uudoviatingl,
regard for literature and arithmetic,
shown in his assiduous care for the
first letter of our noble alphabet, and the ,unit commencing tho
ordinary range of calculations, helas raised.himself in lise ownB stima-
tion to the position of the most eminent man'of the day. -He is still
alive to his own merits, and has been (within the knowledge of nil)
promoted to the office of Primo Minister-to the gratification of his
own pleasures.
BROWN.-Bred up on the bony knees of penury, ho hasimot been
spoiled by reclining in the lap of luxury. In his early youth ho was
apprenticed to a beadle, whose portrait has been handed down'to us,
as having a cocked nose, a cocked eye, and a cocked hat. Itiilrno
wonder that BROWN should have subsequently turned up his noso at
the offers of a turncock to take him into partnership, and, having run
away from his temporary home in Cock-lane, should have, after a obw
years, turned up again in the wilds of America among the cockatoos.
Pursued by savages, who sot up a cock-a-whoop on seeing him, lho
escaped in a small boat, which was a mere cockle-shell, and in
a cock-a-trice was brought to the Atlantic Ocean. Embarked on
board an English man-of-war, he was appointed coxswain; and
having distinguished himself by saving the lifo of his captain, when a
mutineer cocked a pistol in his face, was ultimately rewarded with
the freedom of the City of London, thus becoming a veritable
cockney.
RoBmNsoN.-A very eminent man. Ho has engaged the attention
of several distinguished judges of the day; and if he perseveres in
his present course, will doubtless be raised to a great eminence, not
exactly by his own exertions, and certainly, with the modesty of true
genius, much against his will.

"Era WE ARE AOAIN! "-We see by the theatrical paper: that the
Free Trade Hall, Manchester, is doing some very free trade in
notorieties. "The REV. J. C. M. BELLEW gave a series of readings
in this large hall on Saturday last, and attracted a crowded audience,"
says the Era, and goes on to observe afterwards," and MR. BAM COWELL
announces a second oonoert there on Saturday next." Where is
SPUBGEONP
A VERY APPROPRIATE CHANGE.-The MARQUIS DE BOIBsY, who
has lately been indulging in such futile and asinine invetives against
England in the French senate, is, for the future, to be known under
the title, style," etc., of the MARqUIS DE NOISr!
To TIE THOUGHTFUL.--When does the first volume of FUN, hand-
somely bound in crimsom cloth, gilt, price four.and-sixpence, resemble
a street-door at three in the morning ?-When it has been found open.
OBvious.-Where ought ToM SAYERS to keep his money.P-Why, in
Mill-bank, to be sutr.

u- T'.T [MARCH 22, 1862.

I'4
e ~ pI

DIG-ITITY AIND IYIPFTTDEINCE.

Younj Emperimentalist to Cijic Dignitary :-" I SAY, OLD FELLAR, GIVE US A PULL AT THIS SUCKE !"

OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 13.-BY THE POET CL-SE.
AMIITION soars on adamantine wing,
Whilst rustic poets tune the torpid lay;
I will let my own imagination swing,
And compete for FuN's Prize Essay.
Immortal BURNS, on Caledonia's crag,
A kilted spirit worshipped ere it flew;
Behold his head in inspiration wag,
Beside Ayr's pebbled shore underneath cerulean blue.
BLOOMJIELD, that pensive bard, who wrote "The Farmer's Boy,"
Has long ago departed to ethereal shades;
I am myself uncertain of employ,
Excepting menial, which degrades.
Oh, PALMERSTON, a-sitting at your ease,
In marble palaces, or green alcoves,
Partaking of sherry wine and toasted cheese,
And wondering what the nation's weal behoves;
Mayst thou be happy, fickle though thou wert I
May LADY P. likewise, enjoy placidity !
Though I myself must now be upon the alert,
And seek another patron with rapidity.
Another rALIERSTON I scarce shall find,
Even though his ultimate conduct was so shabby;
His taste in art is congenial to my own mind,
We both prefer Somerset House to Westminster Abbey.

The Editor of FUN I now address:-
Benignant being! Like a Glendoveer,
May kindly spirits all your future bless,
In this doubtful and terrestrial sphere!
Methinks thou art a thing of beauty and
A joy for ever, which I have heard of such,
Munificence and Progress, a seraphic band,
Are kindled at thy glance, and wait thy touch!
From thy resplendent pinnacle look down,
O think of Nature's bard and of his woes!
If unsuccessful, sir, still half-a-crown
Would be acceptable. I now must CLOSE.

TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.
IT would be well if young people who contemplate matrimony
were to cast an eye on the advertisement we transfer from the
columns of the Daily Telegraplh:-
AHANDSOME BRIDAL WREATH and BOUQUET for Dress for sale,
consisting of Clematis, Orar-ge Blossom, and Fruit, for less than cost
price; uite new.-Address, etc.
Giddy FLORENCE and thoughtless AMELIA will at once cry out, "Oh!
how delightful! and so cheap !" But the leaves of the wreath should
be read carefully, not turned over in haste. "A bridal wreath for
sale, at less than cost price, and quite new FLORENCE-this hints
of broken vows, actions of breach of promise, and preparations made
in vain. AMELIA-orange blossom withers, and fruit may be Dead
Sea apples, turning to ashes, and hearts may go at less than cost
price under such circumstances, but must not be advertised as quite
new."

~,~_____________~__~___

*F 1J I,-M.ARCir 22, 1862

~N 1:
Jil

Mill,,
-.~ ". ,

ZIA:
I K

'K .
1.,j/ K

2K

- H

THE MODERN FRANKENSTEIN.

"WHAT WILL HlE DO WITH IT ?"

MAzCH-a22, 1862.] F T

SONG FOR THE THRONG.
OR, VERIFICATION FOR THE NATION.

N. XI.-THE REVIVAL OF EIC]-BUrNING.
Olit! labourers of this English land!
Men of the spade and plough,
Who wring from the soil your food by toil,
And the sweat of a weary brow!
Shall they return, the evil days,
When rickyards all a-flame
Flung a ruddy light o'er the sky at night,
As if heaven blushed for shame?
No! let the friends, who love you well,
Still.boast how you endure,
In patieneo strong, nor stain with wrong
The cause of England's poor.
You do but suffer stint the more
For every blazing stack:
Your children rue the deeds ye do
Who burn the food they lack!
For vengeance is the two-edged blade
Which cuts the hand that wields:
Each burning stead makes dearer bread
For those who till the fields.
Oh labourers of this English soil!
Shun the accursed deed,
That paints your shame aloft in flame
For sorrowing eyes to read.

Oh! Englishmen of each degree,
Bishop, and lord, and squire!
You, too, must bear of that shame a share,
That's writ in words of fire.
You do not strike the match, 'tis true,
You call the act a sin;
You have laws decreed to punish the deed,
But you bear a part therein.
For while you fight about the creeds
In your Educational plan,
All the training you leave the poor to receive
Is:the training of beast, not man.
The daily round of work and want
SIs the teaching he must know.
And what is the fruit ? He learns, as a brute,
To avenge a wrong with a blow.

JIN. 7

And the blinding demon of Ignorance
Thrusts into his horny hand,
When the pangs of wrong and hunger are strong,
The ready-enkindled brand!

Oh! Englishmen! for your own souls' health,
Take heed,-be just in time-
Ere the sky be red with heaven's wrath-instead
Of the untaught peasant's crime!

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 3.
FROM Mas. HODGKINSON, OF LITTLE PUMPTON-ON-THE-LINE, SLOP'SHIBR,
TO Miss ANNE BODGER, OF TIE SAME TOWN, SPINSTER.
Old Exeter Hotel, Sleet-street, W.C., Marcl, 1862.
BELIEVE me, dear ANNE, I'm so sorry to hear that you a'o again
laid up with a sprained back; I advise you to lay down as much
as possible, as DR. FERGUSON says that position is the best for the
Dorset muzzle. I recollect a gentleman suffering like yourself, who
would not lie down at all as he was directed; the consequence ,wns
that he never got up again. You'll be glad to have my letters every
week, and I'll take care that there is plenty of news for you. We
have been to the Zoological Gardens, in Regent's Park,-a beauti-
ful sight, and reminds one of the Garden of Eden, with the advantage
of the ferocious ministers of the dessert being all in cages. Yon enter
the. gardens by a turnstile, and pay a shilling to a man in a sort of
Swish cottage.
When we arrived, thby were just going to feed the lions and tigers.
They eat their meat uncooked, and roar all the time. In one cage
we saw two spotted lepers, from Jerusalem, I believe; and a little
further on there was the Jack Hall; he is a hungry-looking creature,
and with his-craven eye actually begs for food. By the way, in
mentioning that he begs, I should also say that he prays. We visited
the brown bears: one of them was sitting on his pole, and wagging
his head. As they are in this country deprived of squeezing people to
death, they are obliged (MR. H. tells me) to be fed on HuOOINs's fine
ale. There was a poler bear; why he was so called I don't know, as
:he hadn't any pole at all. We greatly admired the tumid deer, with
their graceful horns, which have no sound in them, unlike the cod and
other members of the hornythological department.
We particularly admired that little thing called the gazette; don't
you recollect the song-
"I never trained a young gazette,
To glad me with its bright blue eye" P
I recollect when MR. H. used to sing it, and louk at me in such a man.
ner. But to return to the gardens. Therewero three largo envelopes,
very desperate animals. There were lots of donkeys, who had been
so cruelly beaten that the black marks of the stripes still remained;
on their backs. There was a sort of a poorfellow there, named a bison
it is from theflesh of this animal, that arsenic, laudenham, and other
bisons are made. In the same house with these creatures were some
wild bores from Tuskany; one, the keeper said, was a very bad
animal, in short, a "regular rip." I mustn't forget the great attraction,
that. is the python. It is a large serpent, a sort of croaker compeller,
and looks just like a lot of oilcloth rolled up; it lays eggs every day,
which are immediately boiled for the directors' breakfast. Talking of
directors, there is a very rude notice written up, beginning It is
requested that fellows will not admit into the garden applicants stand-
ing near the gates," etc. Who's a fellow, I should like to know P I
wanted MR. H., as a public man and chairman of our vestry, to make
noise about it, but he only laughed in his sieve. I wouldn't be
called a fellow. Well, then, we saw a notter and a small peccadillo,
who lives in a hole; some seals, who made an impression on me; a
great number of birds, eagles, hawks, and vouchers, who feed on dead
bodiess. Among the reptiles we noticed the gizzard, the Indian viper,
and the pen-viper. We had just time enough to see the great olifant,
the rhineoserous (so called on account of the hardness of his outer
.skin or rhine); the telegraph, a very wild animal, all neck or nothing;
the hippopotamus, the campbell, and the drummydairy, where the
keepers go for milk every morning. By this time we were obliged to
leave the gardens without seeing the monkeys, as we were engaged
to a ball in the evening, and MARY was afraid of tiring herself out
before she had to dance the poker and the waltz of two tongs. Queer
names these, but they are quite the fireshovelable dances now-a-days.
-With love from MARY and MR. H., I am your affectionate sister,
MARY ANNE HODOeINSON.
P.S.-Going to the ball at St. Paul's next week, I hope.

THE PRE-RAPHAELITES.
(BY A POST-RAPHAELITE.)
ir--" My heart is sad, I'll tell you why,
If you'll listen to my lay."
THEIB art is bad, I'll tell you why-
If you'll listen to MILLAIS,
You'll be told that you should try
These simple maxims to obey.
If in landscape you'd surpass,
Never paint just what you see,
But give each separate blade of grass,
SAn individuality.

If you ever have to tint
A feminine complexion fair,
You may take a useful hint
From a baby's wooden pear;
If in any of your scenes
A glass of water e'er should be,
Mind you don't by any means
Forget the animalcule.
If still life you wish to try,
A red brick wall he would advise;
Remember, when you paint a fly,
That he has forty thousand eyes.
If you take a patron's face,
(And this you'll have to do by scores,
If you've Mediaeval grace),
Mind you don't omit the pores!

A QUESTION roR Mn. GREGORY,
M.P.-Who do you refer to particu-
larly when you speak of the blockhead
of the American ports ?-An indig-
nant Yankee awaits your reply.
To THOSE WHO ARE INQUISITIVE.-
Why is the first volume of FUN like a
certain unadulterated beverage in
popular demand ?-Because it is just
stout.
WHAT ought to be the name of a
prizefighter's sweetheart ?-FLOORER.

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
DEAR FUN,-The rowing season has commenced. Talking of row.
ing, my wife and myself had such a row because I had joined a boat-
ing club; however, she was mollified on finding that I had taken a
nice house at Buttoney, near the water-side. It is in Poplar-row.
But, alas! besides occasional quarrels, we actually live in a row. I'm
so often in hot water, that sporting upon the cold water is a great
relief; and such is my dislike of the calorific fluid, that you may be
pretty certain I, at all events, will never set the Thames on fire.
Well, we had a meeting at the Boat in Boots to pay up subscriptions
and lay down our rules. Here I will complain that the landlord gave
us a very bad room, which was lighted (as if we were a common
water party) with dips. He said that he had got the gas off," on
which we called for the waiter, but the landlord himself came, so 1
suppose there was (as the French say) no gasson. BoB DUCKETT, our
stroke, took the chair, which on his part was a stroke of policy, as we
in consequence had to stand. To make it all square, he stood some-
thing all round. It was proposed that we should at once go into
training for a grand race with the Numbscull Club, and a rich but
pursy individual, who wanted taking down, took up the subject, and
offered to present a challenge cup to the best rowers, made of silver
ore. This gentleman's speech, which was delivered ore rotundo, was
greatly cheered. The question was then put as to who should build
our boat ? SEARLE was mentioned, and it was settled that it should
be built as searley as possible, that is, spedily, and in his best style.
In choosing our cockswain, several steer-eotyped phrases were used,
but at length it was arranged that little EsEY HALL should fill the
place. He is exactly fitted for this stern duty. He has a stern cast
of countenance, round face, and not particularly handsome, and is a
great admirer of STEBNE'S works; his cheeks are "rudder than the

red, red rose," as the song says; and, being a good-natured sort of
fellow, he is always ready to take his turn in the bows, if necessary.
I was appointed number three in our eight oar. By the way, as we
only wanted an eight oar, there were eight or nine of the party still
left unchosen. One, admitted by accident, is a thorough cockney,
and calls the boat a "height," which I detest. We have a very
polite bow, who always takes off his hat when talking to you; he is a
strange young man, who excuses himself from drinking beer by
saying that he has made a vow, or, as our cockney friend (vulgar,
but funny dog!) expresses it, a" bow-wow." Our stroke is to critically
examine our oars for the match,-oars de combat,-and see that they
are sufficiently strong. It was further settled that at our next pre-
liminary meeting we should dine at three for five punctually, eat only
fish, and then take a soft row up and down as often as we liked. We
are going to have a wooden house built, in which to keep our oars
and gig; and a separate place for the smaller boats and sculls; of
course, called the scullery. Our captain wants us to pull all the way
(first time) from Mortlake to Putney; but we, not seeing the pull of
it, object strongly to that course of proceeding. We think of calling
our boat the Lady Glyde.
Of course, my dear FUN, you, as a lover of sport, will come and see
our first race in your funny. Hoping that you are wherry well, I
remain yours truly, TIMoN TIDE.
Dingy House, Buttoney (on the Loopline).

WHY is an article left in a cab, and which the cabman is compelled
to restore, a perfect riddle to him P-Because he is obliged to give it
up.
WHa are cats the most playful of animals ?-Because when they
meet they mews each other.

1~

MARCH 22, 1862.] IU J IN. 9

'. ALMANACK AND DIARY.

I V__

21- /

Architect (of Mediceval tendencies) :-"Pray, my good woman,
can you tell me if any drawing of the church of St. Chokeroum.-
Barnacles has been recently executed?"
Pewv-Opener :-" Drawring, sir? 0 yes, sir! There's MASTER
SLOWCOACH, our rector's son, he made a beautiful drawing when it
was his vocation last Christmas, and they talk of making a leather-
graft from it. There was a party of antiqueeruns down here laso
February. They was friends of MR. SLOWcoACH'S, and real gentle-
men they was. After they had a cold collection at the rectory, I
showed 'em over the ehurpl,,apd they gave me a shilling a piecp,
sir. They said a how the church was 4 very ourous curiosity; and
that from what they called the stile of the artchitexture, it belonged
to the seventh chancery.

THE LEGAL NOOSE-ANCE.
IT is one of the beauties of our law that it shouldtrip itselfup
with its own robes. The severity of the punishments it appends to
murder causes anomalies in their carrying out which make
England's justice a blot and a weakness. A few tender-hearted men
in a jury, on account of that severity, allow some, undoubtedly guilty, to
escape comparatively unpunished. A hard juryman or two will draw
down the extreme penalty of the law on a head that, if not innocent,
is at least pardonable. This must be the case,-or to what are we to
attribute the verdicts and sentences in the Criminal Court a few days
since ? A drunken costermonger interfered with, in an unlawful act,
and hounded on by fellow-ruffians, stabs the person who interposes.
He has sixyears' penal servitude awarded him, while his mates get off
with nine months' imprisonment. A brutal drover, in the new cattle
market, irritated by the chaffing of a companion, attacks him and
kills him by deliberately thrusting his drover's stick into his eye.
lIe, too, is sentenced to six years' penal servitude. It is for a poor
fatherless and motherless Irish sailor-boy, wronged, robbed, and
beaten by one of the harpy tribe of "crimps," and snatching the
too handy knife at his waist to retaliate, that the law reserves the
awful black cap. It is he that justice proceeds in a dignified
manner to nrottle with a mercenary hand before the eyes of a howl-
ing, drunken mob, and is only prevented from doing so by a timely
extension of the royal clemency.

CLASSICAL MOTTO FOR A CARD OF INVITATION TO A BALL.-
Circumspice. (Sir, come spicyy)

HINTS TO GARDENERS.
Read the play of Marco Spada, and buy a picture of What-Hoo."
Rise with the first rays of the sun, and dig violently before breakfast-
time; dig on until you are behind breakfast-time, when come in play-
fully.
How TO MAKX SEA-KALE no FOR ASPARAeGU.-Plant them in the
same bed; when they are thus set against one another, they will
quarrel, and do for each other very quickly.
Some horticulturists advise the strewing of cinders over the earth;
we consider this a grit mistake.
How TO Sow ONIONS.-Get a needle and thread, and proceed as
with a shirt-button.
Seed Pasha is a sort of Turkey rhubarb.
How TO MAKE A G MREEN HOUSE.-Nothing more simple; paint it
the desired colour.
KITCHEN GARDEN.
Directly you read this run out and sow a lettuce; run in and sow
a button on anywhere; rin out and: so on;; run on until you're sown
up. Get two onions, pioklb them, then unpiolde them. if satisfied
with the result, laugh heartily and retire.
FLOWER GARDEN.
Lupinswant luping up against a wall. About this time notice a
curious liorticul-ornitho-bflino fact, viz., go into your garden quietly
at night, and though you may hear the cat's mow, you will also be
attracted by the lrk's-purr in the flower-bed ; let the harmony be
disturbed by the bark of a tree, however poplar it may be.
WINDOW GARDENING.
Place orange-peol, sawdust, potato-parings, blue pills, and coal-dust,
all of which are in season, about your window; hang up flower-
pots with nothing in them outside; this arrangement will give your
window-sill a window-silly appearance.

SDRAWING-ROOM AMUSEMENTS FOR MARCH.
Conjiring.-Conjure a relation to lend you sixpence: the nearer
the relation, the less the chance of your request being granted, and
consequently the greater the effort produced on the spectators by
your success.
The Card Trick.-Tell the servants to bring your bedridden
grandmother down-stairs. When arrived, laugh at her three tunes,
say "What a queer card you are and leave the house abruptly.
(N.B.-The last proceeding will be absolutely necessary.)
ThF Echoes of Killarney.-This is a very amusing game. Let
every one be assembled in the drawing-room. Tell them you arc
going to do the echoes. Shout loudly and suddenly in somebody's ear,
then put your head up the chimney and squeak. Any one wil
recognize this faithful imitation of an echo. This can be played out
of doors in Echoeston-square.
The Beasons.-A Charade.-This is very pretty. Come in with a
fire-shovel, jump about. This will be spring. Come in as summer;
if people guess its winter, let it be so; you can't please everybody.
Come in as autumn and winter, observing the above rule. The
original inventor of this game was a Ma. THoMPsoN, hence the
amusement is generally known as ToaMrsoN's Seasons."

OUR Hanwell correspondent has favoured us with the following:-
WHY does the coxswain of the Oxford club resemble a cattle dealer P
-Because he belongs to Oxon and steers.
OIL TO CALM THE TROUBLED WATERS or PARLIAMENTARY DBBA't.
-PAM-oil.

------.J

FU TNT.

[MARCH 22, 1862.

SLIGH-ITLY .MISTAIKE1T.

fiitarY Swell :-" MAJOR 'T-HOME "
Uttm ;--" No, SIR i PUT MASTER LEFT WORD YOU WAS TO MEASURE ME FOR MY NEW CLOTHES."
[Military Swell is delighted at being mistaken for the tailor, of course 1

A SCHOOLMASTER ALL ABROAD.
WHAT with the Revised Code and the Re-revised Code, parochial
schoolmasters are compelled to take a Lows view of their profession
and its profits, and are at present reduced to such a state of uncer-
tainty and muddle-headedness, that the proposed measure appears to
them to be a devised goad to drive them to distraction. To what
other frame of mind can we attribute the picture which the school-
master has drawn of himself in the following remarkable advertise.
ment, which appeared in a late number of the Guardian?-
A CERTIFICATED MASTER, Married (trained three years), of Geod
Experience, seeks a Re-engagement under Government Inspection or
otherwise. Organ, Testimonials, Reports, etc. Address, etc.
Sixth Edition, feap. 8vo, 2s. 6d.
The "Sixth Edition" may perhaps refer to the master's own family
annual; although we are doubtful whether his three years' training
refers to the period that he was trained for his marriage, or the time
of his subjugation to the married yoke-in which case his annual
exclamation must have been "0 Gemini I" The "fcap." plainly
marks out the fool's cap prepared for the dunce of the school. s for
the rest, we are puzzled.
Here is an advertisement for a governess:-
TOR RUSSIA.-Wanted, an English Lady, between 30 and 40, as Finishing
I Governess to two Young Lulies. She must be an unexceptional English
Scholar, a Good Musician, and able to speak fluently Grammar and French.
Address, etc.
To talk about being able to speak fluently grammar, is about as
absurd as to boast that you are able to walk easily elegance, or to
sleep soundly comfort. Verily the governess is not advertised for
before she is wanted !

"IT'S AN ILL WIND," ETC.
AN account taken from a country paper of a terrible accident in-
volving a loss of life, has recently made its appearance in the London
prints. The paragraph terminates with the following:-" The unfor-
tunate deceased has left a widow and four young children. The
weather has been remarkably fine, with a south-east wind blowing."
The singularly cheerful tone of the reporter in thus giving us his ex-
perience of the weather as a wind up to his chronicle of death, strikes
us as being somewhat singular, unless the reporter, being paid by con-
tract, wished to kill two birds with one stone, and make the public
aware of the two important facts with the least possible trouble to him-
self, and save space in the "valuable journal" towhichhe contributes.

A PRETrr milliner sews on hooks as a matter of business, and makes
eyes as a matter of pleasure.

Now ready, in Magenta cloth,
CASES for BINDING the FIRST VOLUME of FUN.
Price Is. Od.
Now ready,
THE TITLE, PREFACE, and INDEX to the FIRST
VOLUME of FUN, beautifully Designed and Engraved, forming an Extra Number.
Price One Penny.
Now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price 4s. ad.,
THE FIRST VOLUME of FUN; Containing nearly
Three Hundred Comic Engravings by celebrated Artists, and Humourous Articles by the
most Popular Writers.
LONDON: 80, FLEET STREET.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, March 22, 1862.

MNKCH 29, 1862.] i N I11

bbcrtilettltats Extra~tlinary.

SA SAD CASE of DISTRESS.-
zi AA IktDY is anxious to find a com-
fortable home for a venerable femnalo
domestic, who has lived with her for thirty
years as nurse, but has now outgrown all
service, and is neither usofll nor orna.
mental. This poor creature goes to bed at
tea. and rises at half-past eiht; is very
fastidious about her food; declines all wor
except that which she approves, on the
score of increasing infirmities; upsets all
o Other other servants as fast as they aome
mito the house; and, although hunmourcd in
S every possible way, will still insult the
Members of the family to their faces, and
always consider herself an ill-used person.
Under these lamentable circumstances, the
Advertiser CONFIDENTLY APPEALS to
l a generous public for uasislanco and sym-
pathy. It will be readily perceived that
she is between the two stools of retaining
one who has now become an intolerable
nuisance, or of laying herself open to the
Charge of being ungratetnl for so long a
Service. Address, Mrs. O'ReallyIntroublo,
Woeburn-squaro.

A PHOTOGRAPH of the WILD-
EST P ART of CONNEMARA will he
sel on receipt of twenty-four postrgo
Stamps, by Mr. Smith, of No. 18, Yorkslire.
SVery likely; but it won't he half as wild as
you are, if you are idiot enough to send
the stamps.

BEFORE YOU HAVE YOUR
LIKENESS TAKEN, hadn't you
better seriously consider whether you
would act generously to society y multi
flying your uglinessP--SAVE 'YOUR
MONEY, and spare a respectable photo.
grapher the shame of takin it for perpetu.
FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS, eating your common-placeph i; and at the
TatIhTr:-tOa! Oa! OH!" that you, at least will not swell the earn-
Sl Owwo e a c t t s of l inga of the felloin who infest the Now,
Son, And Owner of Dog :-" NEVER MOIND, FAYTHER! LET HIM BEV! IT LL BE THE MAKING OCity, and Westminster Roads, and similar
OF THE DOIG.'' neighborhoods.

my checks were torn by his teeth, and a lod laugh rang in my ears,
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. which, had I not been wringing wet myself, I would have resented.
Talking of that, I had to get all my clothes re-scented, for the smell
DEAa FuN,--The Oxford and Cambridge crews are now in training, left by the mud of the Cam was immuderately unpleasant. For two
and I hope that they'll keep their health and strength, for a crew days after this I felt very ishy, and my eyes looked very watery and
unwell now would be a cruel thing. hollow, with just the sort of look I had when, being out skating, I fell
They say the Oxford men are "first chop," but chopping is a in, and was found sunken under the ice. To return, the Cambridge
bad style of rowing when such a victory is at stake. All the young eight went over my corse before I could got out of their way. I
ladies of Putney and Mortlake, in expectation of their aquatic visitors, think that they bad better get out of their own way of rowing, for ab
are wearing their hair in row-looks. I went down to Cambridge (as present they don't seem at all in good feather for the race.
you commissioned me) to get you particular information on the Now for other aquatic matters of a general nature. The winter
subject. As much time as possible I spent on the water, and as little has been a very bad time for watermen, who, during the 'oar frost,
as possible under it. I hired a smallboat, and went out on the river have been obliged to put a great many of their things up the water.
Cam, which you must know is as straight as an arrow, but as narrow spout, while others have run up a bill at several shops, of course a
as a strait. Well, being a capital theoretical rower, I pulled myself qI d tick bill.
into the middle of the stream, thinking that as the eight" was There is some talk of a match to come off between the watermen
coming down, I should get a good view of them. And so Idid. Down of the cabstands and the river. The prize given to the latter will be
they came, rowing beautifully. "Hi! hi! hi!" shouted a gentleman a silver badge, to the former a cab-badge. There 'has been a good
who was holding himself on by a couple of strings. "c i! hi! hi! I deal of badgering about the'coat and badge, but I hope to hear that
cried, waving my hat and encouraging the rowers. "Look a-head!" this will e oon be settled. There are going to be portraits of all the
bellowed somebody on the bank. But I didn't see a head anywhere, winners of preceding years, so we shall soon see several pretty draw-
so only shook my own cheerfully. On they came, splash-dash-dash ings of' badgers.
-splash. While enjoying a capital look at them, and just pulling out I had a short race the other day in an outrigger; it was soon over.
my pocket-book to make a few notes, the racing boat ran right into In these aquatic matters I have to complain of a great deal of deceit,
my little tub. "Tubby or not tubby," that was the question. Two I myself fin ling much difficulty in keeping above board. When we
scills-are better than one, but I had lost both; and my head was'so come to run over our rowing club accounts, Ifear we shallbe swamped.
turned that I couldn't turn a-bead anyhow. In another momer.; I However, take care of the pence, and i'11 take care of the pounds.
was battling with the stream, that is to say, I came to billows with I shall send you my portrait, sitting in a boat, my straw hat, trimmed
the waves. Suddenly I felt a sharp sensation, as if some one had with bright scarlet ribbon, on my head (they call me the Bishop of
made a biting remark behind my back, and I was brought to land by 1. bon here), and singing My skiff is on the "-pshaw I I must
a large Newfoundland dog. When we reached the bank, I found that conclude, and am yours ever, AN 'OARIf NEER.

VOL. IT. C

IF TJN.

[MAoCH. 29, 1862.

THE BOTCHERBY PAPERS.

On FriJday-March fifteen-
Did tho Lords at five convene.
Harm Sr. LEONAiR's did forbode,
From the Education Code.
KINaSDuowN and London's BISiHOP
Solo grievances did dish up,
But they small advantage got,
For Gin,\vI.Lrs chaffed the lot.
In the Commons BowYER mentions
Some gross Bourbonist inventions
About the Government of Italy,
Which Pa. disposed of wittily.
Then of its Ceding Land to France,
And the Turkoman's Finance-
And Statute Consolidation,
They hail some disputation.
Then of Persecution in Spain,
K)rNAIno loudly did complain.
Ma. BLAKE let fall some facts
About the Propagation of Tracts;
And WIAILrLEY seized the chance
For his Maynooth intolerance;
Talked of bugs, worms, and such "vermint,"
And the mode of ass's interment-
(IIn'll be buried in that wise,
In whatever land he dies).
Then they talked about the cost
Of Packet Service for the Post.
And the last thing that discussed is,
Is the Building Courts of Justice.
On Monday did the Lords
List to nORISANBY'S weak words,
And RussELrL' fine oration
On Italian Liberation.
In the Commons LAYARD showed
Why the Moors had late allowed
Certain prisoners to be made-
They but did what treaties bade.
Then came HORSFALL'S motion for
Making very peaceful war;
And LINDSAY first was fobbed on
The House instead of COBDEN.
Then STAFFORn NoRTIICOTE made
Some false statements, I'm afraid;
GOWER, CAVe, GOLDsarM LODn H. VANE,
BuXTON, NFWDEGATE follow train;
MAssEY and BENTINCK next
Discussed this "question vext;"
And up rose JonNNY BRIGHT,
And vowed HORSFALL was quite right,
And, moreover, had but moved
WhAt PAM had once approved ;
After PALMER and WALPOLE followed,
And then PAM, who calmly swallowed
Iis old opinions with contrition-
In which feat of deglutition
(Lost he should find him at a loss)
DI zY supplied the sauce.
At last ILHoas.\r, his plan withdrew,
And the IIeuso adjourned at two.
In the Lords on Tuesday night,
They'd a pretty little fight;
For my LORD OF CIIELMSFORD made
A speech that spite betrayed,

In which the C]rANCELLOR he abused,
And libelled, and accused,
And got by the CHANCELLOR served
No whit worse than he deserved.
In the Commons, Science and Art
Of the time took up chief part.
LENNOX let fly some railleries
'Gainst Museums and Art Galleries,
Which he thought would better fare,
If beneath a Minister's care.
GLADSTONE and DizzY accord
To oppose the nble Lord,
-Who at last his plan withdrew.
Then of China they talked a few,
And something was of Taepings said-
(N.B. These Taepings are not Red).
Then COWPER countenance claims,
For the Embankment of the Thames;
Against which proposal Cox
Raised his "prmtcrea nihil vox."
BowYER did his Bill disport,
To reform thp Inns of Court,
And to make their ways more just
(Vide the DARBY GRIFFITH dust).
In the Commons-March nineteen-
AYRTON's Bill, which he did mean
For Accident-Compensation,
Was brought on for approbation;
The ATTORNEY-GENERAL thought
'Twould reach more widely than it ought;
And the House the Bill decry did,
As too sweeping and one-sided.
AYRroN saw defeat impended,
So withdrew it to be amended.
Other subjects then were started;
At half-past five the members parted.
Thursday, the Lords' talk flowed
On the Education Code;
SOAPY SAMt descanted on
One ToaiKINs, christened JOHN,
To show the operation
Of the now examination.
And GIANVILLE'S Earl replied
Upon the other side,
ARGYLL and WODEHOUSE, too,
Did the best that they could do
To praise the scheme of LowE,
Which the Bishop bullied so,
For some considerable space,
With JOHNNY TOAKINS' case.
In the Commons, VERNEY inquired
If the enlargement, much desired,
Could be made >f Park-lane's space,
By-uniting Hamilton-place?
And all the an er that he got
Was that COWPER fancied not.
Then the PoPE'S Brass Band Brigade,
A sly attack on Italy made,
And asked for papers and return
That were none of their concerns;
And LAYARD, he opposed them
And effectually closed them;
For which to him says FUN,
" Bravo, AUSTIN, brav(lv done,
Who to Nineveh ias I ,n, is
Just the chap to puni- ninnies."
The Bill for Irish Ma irkts and Fairs,
Got another step up-stairs,
And, with some slight emendation,
Gained the House's approblxaion.
Then the Copyright of Art
Obtained another start,
And t'was said by one M.P.,
That he really couldn't scc,
In what peculiar light
To view photographic right,
To prevent copies beinu done
Of drawings by the sun.
Two Mutiny Bills were read,
But nothing more was said,
So at twelve they went to bed.

HOW TO LOOK AT A PICTURE.
IN TWELVE EASY RULES.
Br A. u. O.voIsseUR.
1. STAND opposite, and -ook through your
closed hand, screwing up your mouth severely.
2. Remark in under-tone to convenient
friend, "Bad toning."
3. Prompt C. F. to say something on the
painting, and remark, "All! nine people out
of ten don't see the chiaro-oscuro."
4. Walk back six ute-s, looking at the
middle of the picture with one eye.-N-.B. If
you fall backwards over one of the benches,
it will add to the effect.
5. Walk forward six steps, lower your head,
and stare intently at the picture.
6. Then say, His old fault; he never will
let the forward lights fall strongly enough."
7. Push your hat back, and drop a glove in
abstraction.-N.B. The contingency of being
taken for an escaped lunatic must be dis-
regarded.
8. Murmur (especially if ladies are near),
"Heavenly colouring! heavenly colouring!
A gem of modern genius."
9. Having collected a crowd round the
gem, gesticulate, and describe to C. F., who
must be instructed when to assent and dissent.
10. Take care the artist is not near.
11. Shout suddenly, "He's found the leaf-
form-look, look!" Whereupon every one
will look for it much as if they expected to see
something alive.
12. Having thus acquired the reputation of
a judge, in gratitude bay a hundred copies of
this number.

HEALTH OF THE METROPOLIS.
HOOPING very prevalent. Three little boys,
aged respectively ten, eleven, and twelve,
were taken up for hooping in the street.
Their hoops, which had gone theround of the
family, were soon removed. Scarlet-fever
among nursery maids, specially in St. James's
Park. Some few have been carried off.
Despondency (or fits of the blues) has been
the prevailing epidemic among the Life
Guards. The policemen are confined to a
vegetable diet, co misting chiefly of beet.
MASTER BROWN (aged 7) languishing from
a decline. He declined to take medicine when
it was required; he has languished in a room
by himself ever since.
MAST7n JONES, and six other cases ofcon-
sumptiJn: the consumption in the bread and
butter department is appalling.
Baby, aged eleven months, croup: supposed
to have swallJ wed a papspoon.
Three. cases of small box on the ears arising
from imantine dissensions on nursery grounds.

SAYING OF OUR SAGE IN TlE STREETS.-
(N.B. He has just sprained his foot by falling
over some crinoline.)-Steel hoops should
certainly be put outside thepale of civilization.
Too FREQUENTLY THE CASE.-What is t' e
difference between an author and a critic P-
The one writes the book, the other too often
wrongs it.
AN ASININE RIDDLE.-Why is a donkey
concealed in 'a corn-bin like vinegar ?-
Because it's an ass hid-acid.
MOTTO FOR THE HORSE GUARDS.-Take
care of the privates; the officers will take care
of themselves.

X A ,29, 1862.]

.F TT N. 13

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPAEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING lKNOW EDGE.
LCOHOL is the intoxicating
principle of beer, wine, and
fermented liquors; which is
a- the reason why alcohol is
always drunk when you meet
with it in general society. It
has never been frozen, and is
therefore used in the thermo-
meters sent out to the arctic
regions, where it indicates the

The thermometer, if rose
marks the degree of freeze.
Alcohol is very volatile n its
nature, and it is from this
w cause that the Flying Dutdh-
man has so long remained a
spiritaboveproof. Theamount
of alcohol which goe en t.lhe
human throat fmniish a nor-
/ responding amaut ito ithe
excise; and thus is teiien the
measure of a piuhlioan's steak,
which hasdlways been conianred a neck-sizeable aricole.
ALDuRaMm.-The name is derived from theAnglo-eaxonaeaiormain,
or older man, as among the va~nus branches of society ~lie elder was
always thought to have the meet pith. WILLIA t~iURmW,ery likely
out of sympathy, made the office hair-reditary. Each.alierman lhas a
ward, and thus the distribution ofjustice is awarded. Out of those
aldermen who have served the office of sheriff the mayor is appointed,
the chances of election thus depending on a sheer if. An alderman
is expected to pay-the greatest attention to his corporation, and hence
with the performance of municipal duties is always connected the
civic feast. Itis by these dinners that the good of the corporation is
promoted; and, therefore, when a citizen wants to higher a mayor, he
makes his proposition at the livery's tables.
ALE.-A beverage of great antiquity, old ale being mentioned by
JOSEPHUS as well known to the Egyptians, and thought no small beer
of among the entire He-brews. In a less genuine condition it may be
traced back to the Inn-does of a still earlier period. Ale was the
name in England fur all malt liquor before the introduction of hops.
The term "beer" came from Germany, and coming with the hop,
made a step and a jump at once into popular favour. The more hops
you use, the longer your ale will keep, but it is no use to keep on
hopping when yoiu have got your ale in the cellar. The best mode of
preserving it under those circumstances is to lock your ale up, and
keep the key.
ALGEBRA.-A species of abstract arithmetic in which letters are put
for numbers. A pillar-post is thus an algebraical symbol, as it repre-
sents a place where numbers stand for letters, and letters are put
for numbers. Signs stand for the operations performed, and in work-
ing out the problem of discovering an unknown quantity, you take
the nearest sign for a guide, and then stand for yourself and another.
Thus, A ainus B plus wine minus cash non-plus, the equivalent of
the unknown quantity.taken; this is also sometimes represented by
XXX. Algebra is frequently considered a dry study, but pursued in
the way we have indicated, it will be found quite the reverse. Those
who adopt this kind of algebra will find some difficulty in adapting the
system to business, but it may be made use of in geometrical illustra-
tions, as representing the nature of curves.
ALIBI.-A defence resorted to in criminal prosecutions, when the
accused tenders evidence to the effect that he was in a different place
at the time the offence was committed. The term in Latin signifies,
"anything elsewhere," and in English generally means "he'll.swear
anything." If the accused proves his albi he is discharged; if not,
and it is a lie by proof of a stronger kind, he gets himself into an
"alibi," or another place, which is not so agreeable. The cele.
brated bird which was in .two places at once, would have had con.
siderable difficulty in proving an alibi, and the exact position of an
argument, whichis neither here nor there, would be likewise a difficult
matter to decide upon.
AL:ANAc.c.-A calendar of the civil divisions of the year, and the
times of the various astronomical phenomena. Of late years the
almanacks which have gained the largest circulation in England;have
been those in-which the greatest quantity of useful information was
comprised, and these are now properly preferred to the prophetic.
Those who have HAnNAY seldom seek for MooRE.

LETTERS FROM A YOUNG MARRIED LADY.
ABOUT A VERY SERIOUS MATTER.
EAR MR. ED1TOR,-As you wore
polite enough to insert in the
-' columns of your rather clever paper
my letter about Police and Peram-
bulators, I dare say you will fool
S inclined to devote, once more, a
S corner of your widely circulated
periodical to a comphint of a very
much more serious nature.
I must begin by telling you that
dear EDWIN is a very wicked man.
Of course, I don't mean that, you
know, for lo is a very good old
boy, as old boys go; but what
I complain of is, that, do all I can,
I cannot induce him to go regu-
larly to church. It was only this
S- ~ morning that I was talking to
dear TEDSICUMS (that's E]uwIN,
ydu know) at breakfast, on this
very subjoot; I was trying to induce him to tako me to church for
this once; but the .rud fellow, instead of paying proper attention to
what I was saying, read his Ties with an attention which I could
,see was paden, for I looked over the top of the paper, and actually
found that Ike was reading, not the births, deaths, and marriages,
:nor the police reports, nor the divorce cases, but the long, stupid,
prosy parliammatary debates. Well, all at once he exclaimed, as ho
turned over, "Here, An here's something for you to show to the
RIEV. MA. MiLLEra BU2suine time you see him! So saying, he handed
me the newspaper, pointing, at the same time, to the following
advertisement:-
SERMONS.-To clergymen who, from ill health or any other cause, are
Temporarily prevented from composing their own SERMONS, the advertiser
offers his services. Any text may be selected at will. Wook-night lectures and
essays also prepared. A specimen may bh had on application. Address, R.C.1'.,
etc.
EDWIN began, forthwith, to be very sarcastic on this stupid adver-
tisement, and, taking it for a text, began by asking me what I should
think of a physician who, from ill health or any other cause, under-
paid a lawyer's clerk to prescribe for his patients ? or of a captain of a
man-of-war who entrusted the temporary command of his ship to a
postman ?-saying, moreover, that ill health could be no excuse, for a
man who was strong enough to road out aloud from a pulpit for three-
quarters of a hour without stopping, was quite equal, as far as
physical energy-strength, you know-was concerned, to the com-
position of what he read; and that the practice of reading other
people's sermons, as though they were one's own, tends to degrade
the church far below the level of the stage; for whilo the clergyman
becomes, like the actor, a more channel by which 'he ideas of the
author are communicated to the public, the actor has a moral advan-
tage over the clergyman, inasmuch as he doesn't lay any false pretence
tosthe authorship of those ideas.
He ran on in this manner for such a timo that lie left me only half
an hour to dress for church; but I must admit, dear Mr. Editor, that
although EDWIN talked a great deal of nonsense, still it does seem very
shocking that any educated men, and clergymtn too, should evertoop
to such a wicked deception, for, as EDwiw rather sensibly remarbkd,
R. C. P. and his brethren wouldn't find it worth their while to go on
advertising, day after day, in the.Times, unless they found customers
who paid them pretty liberally for their trouble. Only think, Mr.
Editor, how dreadful it would be if it should ever turn out that the
REV. MR. MILLEFLEURS' sermons, which are really so very sice, are,
after all, not the production of the REV. Ma. MIILEFLEURB himself,
but of one of you rubbishing penny-a.liners 1 Believe me to be, dear
Mr. Editor, sincerely yours, A nLi1A 1Baowl.
Kensington alace Gwrdaen, Ash Wadnesday.

STRETCHING A POINT.-An Indian-rubber company has just been
started, and would seem to have the advantage over many otbers of
even turning their bad debts to a good account, as what is paid for
would be elastic, and what is not paid for would be alw tick also.
"LoNDoN Cabfares are advertised ".to suit the waitcoat pock.0et
This must be an allusion to that Utopian period when a cabman hall
be satisfied with his legitimate sixpence mile, for then, andthenonly,
will cab fares.be in any way likely to suit the waistcoat pocket.

_~~ ~___ ______~__

[MAVcH 29, 1862.

- FUNDS..

.IU.

IN-WOCEJTOE

IS BLISS-

Child to Fond Marman :-" Oh! MA, DEAR, LOOK AT THAT POOR DOG. HIS HEAD AND LEGS ARE QUITE WELL; BUT SEE HOW THEY
HAVE STARVED HIM IN THE MIDDLE !"

PAN AT THE PLAY.
BEcoME a dressmaker and you will govern the world. This is the
golden rule of life, first enunciated by MM. SCRIBE and LEGOUVE,
and now inculcated in a very pleasant English form in the World of
Fashion at the Olympic. There is a young lady, the daughter of a
defunct duke, without a penny to call her own, but possessing lots of
blood,-not the vulgar sanguineous fluid, be it understood, for of that,
I presume, she possesses only the average quantum,-but blood,
which is blood and no mistake,-blue blood, as the Spaniards call it,
with the legitimately aristocratic milk-and-water tint,-who is living as
a poor dependant with some noble and enormously puffed-up relations.
They have no objection to her doing all manner of needlework for
them as an equivalent for her board and lodging, but they will not
hear of her executing so much as a stitch for money which would
enable her to maintain herselfin independence. She is indiscreet enough
to fall in love with her cousin, who dotes on her, bub for whom his
parents contemplate a wealthyalliance torepairtheir shatteredfortunes.
When this is found out, and she is reproached by her parents with
her ingratitude, the young lady, in obedience to that principle of self-
sacrifice which is so highly vaunted in novels and on the stage, but is
so utterly rotten in its morality, wrecks the happiness of her lover,
which should have been regarded by her as a sacred trust, and runs
away, letting none of the family know of her hiding-place. Assisted
by a disinterested friend, she sets up in business as a dressmaker,
and becomes the autocrat of the fashionable world. She rules the
ladies by threatening to withhold from them charming dresses, and
they, to keep her in good humour, make their husbands do everything
she thinks proper to ask. Thus, when her noble relatives have come
to grief, she obtains a concession of a line of railroad across their
estates, which restores them to affluence, and pays off a mortgage of

sixty thousand francs with as much ease as if it had been a milk
score, and, in fact, does just as she pleases with everything'and every-
body. All this is very absurd, is it not, regarded as a picture of
modern manners ? Yet the piece is a good one, full of bustle, fun,
and amusing situations, enlivened by brisk and sparkling dialogue,
and it is throughout admirably acted. To particularize all who
acquitted themselves in it as well as could be wished, would be almost
to copy the playb' ; but for feminine grace, vivacity, and genuine
feeling, commend me to Miss AMY SEDGWICK and Miss FANNY HUGHES,
and for the perfect combination of gentlemanly ease with artistic
power to MR. H. NEVILLE, who is rapidly rising to a very enviable
position in his profession.
The theatres have been so busy of late, that to avoid falling into
hopeless arrears, I must give a very brief summary of their doings.
A Wife's Portrait at the Haymarket is a delicious domestic drama,
by MR. WESTLAND MARSTON, enforcing, through the medium of an
interesting plot and graceful dialogue, the unexceptionable moral that a
man of genius who has a wife and two small children should not leave
his family to starve while he expends his talents in the creation of
unsaleable commodities, and teaching the wholesome truth that the
mutual love of married folks is often most vital when they fancy it
has died away. In this piece the acting of MRS. CHARLES YOUNG is
beyond all praise. Friends or Foes at the St. James's, a clever adap-
tation by MB. HORACE WIGAN, develops the old moral of the hollow-
ness of many pretended friendships; but apart from its great intrinsic
merits and the general excellence with which it is played, it is note-
worthy as having afforded scope for the display of the masterly ability
of MR. F. DEWAR, who may truly say that he awoke one morning and
found himself famous, and what is more, that he amply deserved it.
There is also a very successful little farce at the Strand, Catch a
Weasel, in which MR. JAMES ROGERS is as grotesque and diverting as
it is his wont to be.

I

-a-7-

a
~----?--

IF' UT INT.-MACII 201, 1SG2.

THE THREE DIRTY BOYS.
MASTER DERBY:--"1MY EYE! HERE'S. A CLEAN NEW SIGN!"
MASTER MALMESUURY :-"LET'S T.IROW MUD AT IT!"
MASTER NORMANBY:--"YES! SOME IS SURE TO STICK."

~
h ~,k

9C
1 4

MARcH 29, 1862.] I 17

SONG FOR THE THRONG.

OR, VERSIFICATION FOR THE NATIOIt.

Nb. XII.-A PLEA FOR THE NATIONAL LIFEBOAT InLTIT'UTOIO,
THB wild winds leap upon the seas,
And lash the angry waves to foam;
While weeping women on their knees
Pray for their sailors far from home f
Thp lightning gleam-the thunders roar-
Loud booms the sea-loud shrieks the gale-
And see!-where on the cruel shore
A vessel drives with fluttering sail!
She plunges on-she reels-she sways-
She quivers at each billow's shock;
The helm no longer she obeys-
She drifts upon the hungry rock!
Across her deck the surges break,
In cataracts of blinding spray;
Heaven spare her seamen for the sake"
Of those who love them far away!.
In vain In vain! Beyond the reaoh
Of human. aid their peril lies
Though scarce a mile from yonder beach,
Where pitying crowds can hear their cries i.
Heaven help them-they are lost! But-n io!
See-see-through driving clouds of spray,
Where fitfully the lightning show,
The gallant lifeboat on her way !'
GoD bless them! Gallant tarts' and true,
Who trust their lives into His hand,
And dare this peril for the crew,
That else must perish on the strand.
A Cross for Valour? P et it lie
On breasts that earned it well in War!
This valour hath its meed on high-
And needs no badge or glittering star.
Oh! people of this English land,
Whose seamen are her proudest boast,
Help freely with a generous hand,
Place lifeboats all along her coast.
And when you hear the tempest roar,
Reap your reward! Be sure that then,
Whate'er the wrecks along the shore,
Your lifeboats will not want for men!

OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 14.-Br MB. H-N-T TH---s B-ca-a.
Or all the various branches of the human intellectual effort, few
have attracted more attention than the history of comio literature.*
Nor have the researches of the philosophical inquirer been without
their good results. t Hitherto, however, the study has been based on
no definite ideas of the Sociology of Statistics ; and henoe it has
occurred that the aberrations of uncertain genius have originated
theories which, brilliant though they maybe in themselves, disappear
and vanish when brought to the test of a purer reason and a moro
extended acquaintance with the principles of arithmetic. Much,
therefore, remains to be done, and it is with no inconsiderable confi-
dance iffmy own ability that I now proceed to do it.
Punning was well known to the ancients. AnISrOTLB, II however,
does not mention it. Nevertheless it was practised by CicERO, a
Roman orator, and by many other eminent characters. In the middle
ages, PoPE GREGORY made a pun,T the results of which were incal.
culably important. Amongst the French, humour has often been
extremely coarse.** A pun was dear to the intellect of SIIAKSPEARE,tt
the Swan of Avon," as he has been absurdly called, J
I am sensible that the mention of such facts by no moans exhausts
the range of historical inquiry, ill but I have now to announce the
law, fixed and definite, which directs and presides over. every mani-
festation of the humourous faculties. I have already proved, in
another work, that the number of marriages in any given year
depends upon the price of wheat. It is now stated for the first time,
but with absolute certainty, that the quantity of risibility elicited
from the English people is in direct proportion to the circulation
of FuN. The Scotch, as I have already proved, have no humour at
all.
Fuw was established by a secret society in 1861.I Its influence
on English literature was immediate and intense. The most eminent
writers of the day competed for its Prize, Essay; ** and the result
of the competition was, until the hour when I commenced this
treatise, very uncertain. It can hardly bo a matter of doubt any
longer.tff

Compare, however, DRBLINCOURT "On Death;" Hanvzr, "Meditations
among the Tombs;" and the Oficial Report on Zymoti Diseases in Infknts."
t I have been unable to ascertain how many people laughed in July, 1730; in
August, 1812, however, the number was 897,612. The inference is obvious. Boo
MABsNsmrE.
$ The moon was formerly con.i-.ored to be of green enoose. OYnAio na
BaBsGEAI thought otherwise. See his Histoiro Comiquo des Etats et Empires
de la Lane." The theory has long been explode. Consult HunscnuEL,
LviuRaIan, Hmn, AIRY, and the Transactions of thi Astronomical Bociety,"
pasim., For arithmetic, I have diligently perused Cooxs. His work, however,
is veryrudimentary.
SA very much over-rated man. So was HUMBOLDT.
MIDDLnTON'S "Life Olcero." By many of our writers, OCraio is termed
TULLY. I suspect this arises from his full name having been MiBcus TuLLvIU
Croano. The word Cicer was used by the Romans to denote a small kind of
pulse: see Anrswosrz, "Latin-EnglishDictionary." Cosso wasamuchadmired
by MRs. BLIMRa.
"Non aunt Angli, sed Angeli." See GoLDasMIr, "History of England."
In fairness to the PorP, DR. LINGABD should also be consulted.
** See BXaOALDs DR VYRVILLB, L Moyen de Parvenir." Compnar tef
writings of BBANTOs.
ft A very much over-rated man. So was MILTON. S B sEBPrA was born at
Stratford-on-Avon. His lays, however, were written forhim by LORD BACOr
Sia WALTv R InEl x, and o.LLrsr CI iBn, neither of whoif was a native of that
place, so that he was evidently disliked in his own neighbourhood.
Uf Thr young of the swan are termed "cygnets." SBAXmrzAIX had a son
named .AXns-T. Can the resemblance be accidentalP For swans, consult
Burrox, Auvanor, WrLsoNr, RBmsrx, and GOULD. Other birds are also men-
tioned by these writers.
11 For further information on the subject, the youthful student may refer to
the pages of Lirv, TACITru, SurTOSIus, POLoICrs, PLUTArCH, Assna, einxxAip,
WrmI or OT MALMBBurBT, RoGsB ow WxeDOv a JonrvILLs, FaoeessAT, PaRc e
DB Coxnr0ns, MOirsTELuT, HOLINSHRD (especially his "Under Bow Bells"),
CAImIR, BSTOW, CLAIENDON, THUANUS, SULLY, HUME, SMOLLET, BOLLIN, Rani ,
AIKir, WE A .LL, MICHELRT, MIGerT, and SIa Ancai ALD ALIson. I have
devoted several leisure moments to the study of these writers. I also read the
2Time newspaper, parim.
This fact may seem to be contradicted bythe writings of SIR WALTa SooMP,
BeUns, GALT, MOIR, WILsor, CARLYLE, HANNArY and AYTouN. Many of my
announcements with regard to Scotland have excited opposition and stimulated
controversy. Itis generally the fate of genius to be misrepresented. We loern
from GBRO (pailim) that SOCBRATs had to drink hemlock, and that the conse-
quences were fatal. GALILEO was imprisoned. His exclamation, "B pwr t
muose," will be remembered by the scholar. Those who are desirous of under-
standing its fall meaning, should learn Italian. OLLtseonsr's method is, per-
haps, the best.
I It follows from this, that, had FuN been established in 1800, it would now
(1862) be in the sixty-third year of its existence; but this, by the very conditions
of argument, is not the ease. I have relied for this, and many similar calcula-
tions (see my great work, panim) on the arithmetical tables contained in
WaLKruiaxL's "Tutor's Assistant,' with only occasional reference to MoNucLA
and LAPLACE.
** Bee Fur, posin t .
ft ""Palmam qui merit, ferat." See the "'orpm Poetarum LatiLnoam,"
paafim.

LETTERS PROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 4.
A VISIT TO ST. PAUL'S.
DEAR ANNE,-I have been to St. Paul's Cathedral since my last letter,
and am much delighted. Beautiful! The cathedral is situated in
St. Paul's Churchyard (open to the public departed), which is a yard
and a half, I can tell you. We were shown over the church by a very
tespeotable individual, and not by the elderly virgin in a black
cossack whom you usually see in a cathedral. Many great people
are buried here, but I am told that most of the illustrious diseased
are entered at Wstminster Abbey. There is a great body of clergy
belonging to St. Paul's. First, there's the bishop; then there's a dean
attached, and, I believe, very much attached, to the place; and a
great many cannons, choristers, clergy, and so on.
Now for the building. Its exterior wants washing. The history of
the cathedral is briefly this : it was built in the seventh sentry, and
razed by the ninth; after this it was rebuilt and again destroyed.
Then the presentnoble artifice was erected by SIR CHRISTOPHER WREN,
the celebrated artichoke of CHARLES THE SECOND'S time, and finished
after the great fire of London by MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH, on the
model of a Roman basilisk. When standing in the centre, you look
right up into the doom, which is awful. This doom is supported by
eight peers, who, I suppose (such is the generosity of our aristocracy),
subscribe so much a year for keeping it up. I asked our guide some
questions about the seats in the isle, and he answered, as the French
say, in a very nave manner. There are plenty of statutes, with
Britannia in every possible and impossible position. There is one,
very fine, of Fame consoling Britannia for the loss of a Nero." By.
the-bye, dear ANNE, you have often heard of chantries in a cathedral,
and thought that they were something to do with singing; not a bit
of it, CHANTRIES was a sculptor. There is a statute of Da. JOHNSON,
who compelled the dictionary, and on his pestle is a subscription by
his pa. We saw a grand monument of LoRD NELSON by PAXTON,
who built the Crystal Palace. There is a stone figure of HEBER, who

PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
THE following notices have been,
or will be, or should be, placed on
the papers of the House:-
THE O'DONOGHUE.-To ask if it"
is the intention of HER MAJESTY'S
Government to bring in, this session,
a bill for the total abolition of the
Decalogue ?
MR. MERRY.--T move that beer
and pipes be one of the standing
orders of the House. If this motion
is favourably considered, he has no
objection to stand an order all round
the first night.
MR. Cox.-To move resolutions
anent a petition from certain butter-
flies, praying .for the abolition of
the state of Grub.
Ma. ROEBUCK.-In Committee of
Supply to move that the Govern-
ment be enabled to furnish a shilling
box of colours and camel-hair pencil
to every agricultural labourer in the
world, as the best means of promot-
ing popular education.
MR. DISRAELI.-To ask LORD
PALMERSTON if there is any truth in
the rumour that he (PAM) is the
editor of FUN P
MR. M. MILNES.-To give notice
that he will henceforward address
the House in very blank verse.
LonD PALMERSTON.-To ask the
House generally how its health is,
and.how each particular member's
mother was at last advices.

A THEATRICO-POLITICAL QUERY.
-What is worse than the Idiot of
the Mountain ?-"The Madmen of
the Ultramontane.

I thought was a pagan goddess but turns out to be a Protestant
bishop. Intending to go up to the whispering gallery, the library,
and so on, we bought four tickets for two shillings. -Passing the west
windows (from which there is a clear view right up the church), our
guide suddenly stopped, and said that "he was always at this point
struck with the grandeur of the visitor," a very uncalled-for remark,
as we were dressed and behaving as quietly as possible. Then the
workmen all had their caps on, and singing something about "being
with NANCY," and Come back, PETER," in St. Paul's. It's shameful.
I've been to Boulogne, and seen a foreign large church or two. There
you'll see the people praying away, with a misguided seal, I believe,
but there's no doubt about its being a church. Well, we went up some
stairs with nothing to hold them up, a style of thing not at all proper.
The library contains a great number of books in ancient bindings,
which we did not, being pressed for time, feel bound to visit. The
clock was very striking. And then the whispering gallery, where
the marvellous effects produced are, the guide said, to be explained
upon a cowslip principle. What youdois this: whisper a soft nothing
into the wall on one side, and it comes out a loud something on the
other. Here the clergy say their evensong, or vispers. From this
spot you can see the pictures of SIR JAMES THORNHILL, who narrowly
escaped perishing on his own scaffold. We went into the golden
gallery, where we enjoyed a splendid view of London and its suppers,
also the winding Thamesfollowing out its own bent. The ball was
Is. 6d., and you don't dance there; but we didn't go. On returning
down-stairs, we admired the beautiful scream at the entrance to the
quire. Here they come in dressed in surplices, so that two dozen of
the singing men and boys look like a quire in twenty-four sheets.
Over the stalls are festers of flowers carved by GIBBON, the celebrated
doctor who wrote on The Decline." Close to the altar-piece are a
couple of fluted columns, but I don't see the good of these as well as the
organ; perhaps the dean and the presenter (who gave them) play them
as wind instruments when the latter is not in use. With kindest love,
I remain your affectionate sister MARY ANNE HODGKINSON,

_____

MAICH 29, 1862.] F 'U N T. 19

THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

L

4 A
I p

EI'EnI

WANDERING BARD :-" Fd choose to be a dai-sy,
If I might be a flo-wer."
SMALL VENDOR oF FUN:-"Don't yer thinT yer'd do befferfor a
'ollyock, Guv'ner ?"

ALMANAC AND DIARY.
METEO'RIILOGICAT, AND ASTAItILOGICAL NOTICES.
Saturn begs to annourice some new equestrian scenes in the circle,
Novel appearance of a highly-trained nightmare.in : Shakepearian.
act (KNIGHT'S edition).
First Meeting of Shooting Stars for riffe practice will take place,
heaven knows when. All application' for further information to be
made as above.directed.
To SPorTSMEm.-The~needleof a compassto be sold,. as a good.pointer.

) araep. .

23 5

24- M

Special service for dumb waiters and other inn-depen-
dants.
Carpenters~ Featival. Old saw of the' society' "No
chiselling;: bear no mallets." They will walk in,
single file along the-coast of Deal; meet in. the plane;,
dine on stewed gimlets, and then assemble to see a
grand performance, ite:. two carpenters saw a sunbeam
in two-places,
Revival of Old English Sports in Westminster Hall. An
angry man will.grin through, hie choler; also, jumping
in. sacks and laughing ins sleeves,.
The FUN Hive open-as'usual. Every one should take fun
drop of funny comb. Comb along and beehive yourself!
Tenth postponed- meeting of the- Uncertain Society at
Perhapslay Bouse. Dinner on tabie in no time.
Agriculturalists' Fancy. Dress Ball: dance of bhA-louts
and bil-loons; also, grand county volunteer movement
in a. squadrille; Muneic on thedrum of his ear by the
Thane.of Fife. Notice to agriculturalists.~ beaux not,
admitted with their harrows.
Meeting in the Green Park to express sympathy withany,
one. Minutes taken down in sympathetic ink.

FLOWER GARDEN.
Cultivate wall-flowers; the prettiest specimen of this class is a
wall-rus.
To Ornamental Gardeners.-If you want your grass kept in good
order, employ several harmless lunatics to mop and mow in your
garden. In summer it will afford great gratification to your visitors
to watch the innocent gambols of two or three bishops on the lawn.
(Sixpence an hour is their charge, which includes two original dances,
a summer set of quadrilles, three capers cut to order, and five antics
on the garden roller.)
Fir Trees.-Take two trees (any sort you like), and plant them
(with or without permission) a mile from your house; they will then
be fur trees. Plant them a mile and a quarter from the same spot,
and they will be further trees.
Get in a.supply of -raniums and o-raniume.

A1SWBEW '~ l GABIDENING CORRESVOND'ENTS,
Sprouts.--No; therife no vegetable called collywobble.
aroite.-The saying to which you allude, arises from the unmor-
taintyof the vegetable maxrow ariving arperfection; it is, "Two
marrows come never;"
Twig.-Of course a gardener can christen his daughter "SnAr OT" if
he' likes, but she'll probably turn out a regular pickle, at least,
that !sour op-iw'on.

RIBEIPTS FOR THE MONTH.
HwO totake Grmse Syots out in an Old Coat.-Put on the coat, and go
out walking. Y u~ can't- help talking the grease spots at 'the same
time
To Riew the Eair.--Rub linseed: oil carefully over the bald part,
humming gently the while. Strain your wrists, and when dry melt
the sediment into a powder, which apply to the coats of your stomach
with .- moist sponge. Brush the place well, and pare the surface
with a blacking brush. This is a very happy pare. Keep for three
days in a pale varnished blanket, cover your back with paste, and
stand before a looking-glass. Watch patiently for the renewal of the
hair. It will be gradual, but sure. Recollect, what's bread in the
bone will be butter in the skin, and be patient.

GAMES FOR MARCH.
The time for in-door games is fast departing. We give two: they
will be the last until the end of the year:-
1. Open a door, induce somebody to put his finger in between the
hinges, then shut it suddenly. If he screams, the player "in" is out.
2. The Caliph of Bagdad.-To be played by the three eldest boys of
the family. Procure a large sack (one from which tho flour has been
just emptied is best adapted to the purpose); let your papa be the
caliph, but you needn't say anything about it to him. Wait until he
is dressed for dinner; stand behind the drawing-room door with sack
ready;. directly he appears, throw the sack over his head and bag
him. Then cry out Caliph of Bag-dad," and run away as fast as
possible.

HOW THEY PAINTED THE EXHIBITION.
SAID lowaVetr' Cbar,
"This you'll control.'"
Said COLE to Fown,
'"You surely joke,! "
Said, Fown, I opine
You've aSehe l' of Design
At. the, famous Brompton Boilers I"
Said COLz to PowKE,
It's ended in smoke! "
Said FOWKs. to COLE,.
"Upon my soul,,
I thought Design
Was the special line
Of the School at Brompton Boilers 1"
Said COLE to FowKr,
"We must aid invoke."
Said Pown to COLE,
"Well, it's rather droll
That a base-decorator
Should' set things straigirer
Than the School at Brompton Boilers't"

,20 F S. [MARCH 29,1862.

FW]

z--_E--

7-z
-;:zn----

THE METROPOLITAN HORSE FAIR. -

Bland Horse Dealer :-" Now, ARE YER COB BUYERS? SHE'S COME OUT OF A GEN'L'MAN'S STABLE, AND IS AS PROUD AS A PEACOCK i"

"ST. GILES'S MAGAZINE."
IN these days, when every section of London is putting forth its
monthly literary mdlange, we are not surprised to receive along with
our usual complimentary copies of the Cornhill, St. James's, and
Temple Bar,'the first number of St. Giles's Magazine, conducted by
WILLIAM SYKES, Esq. The contents, so far as we can.judge from a
hasty perusal, display great ability, and are well suited to the class
to whom, we presume, they are specially addressed. The leading
article, entitled "The Reclamation of the Lower Classes," refers to
certain proposed missionary efforts on behalf of the gorillas. The
writer proposes to instruct that neglected- class in the use of secret
poisons as preferable to the obsolete and ungentlemanly violence of
the club for the destruction oflife.: He would also like them to
understand properly that the best thing that can be done with a man
is not always to eat him; for there are many men who would make
a very bad meal who can sign a very comfortable cheque. On Seeing
my Daughter's Name in Print" is a pathetic little poem by a proud
father on reading an account of his child's trial in the papers; he is
pardonably elated because she was deemed worthy of rsven years'
penal servitude. An ingenious writer discourses on the "Philosophy
of Theft," and endeavours to prove that all organization and progress
in nature are dependent on a reciprocal system of stealing. It is, he
contends, the natural tendency of every being, animal or vegetable,
to absorb and. assimiliate whatever congenial elements it is brought
into contact with; the professional fraternity are therefore to moderate
their pride. On the I:-provement of Dark Lanterns and Skeleton
Keys," is an article too an.-ruse and technical for the general reader.
A paper, curiously headed, "Sundry Doubts of the Existence of a
Policeman," ii a qu-cnt piece of satire by a successful burglar, who
argues from his experience that our respected civil imnotionary is a
pleasant myth, a poetical conception, an unreal phantasy, like Thor
and Jupiter. There is a powerful "Defence of the Essays and

Reviews," by a writer who adopts the fanciful signature of the
"Billingsgate Bloater." "Concerning Days in Prison is a beautiful
and touching essay by a ticket-of-leave man.- We regret our limited
space cannot accommodate extracts.

EPIGRAM.
ADDRESSsD TO MR. FECHTEE BY OUR M.P.
CHANGE your playbill's Preamble-'twould be more exact;
Say I, of the drama to be a decider;
You should call it Iago-for that is the Act,
The Othello is only a RIDE !

A FAIR Standard.--A trne measure of the progressive intelligence
of the Age and Times is evinced in the fact that the Telegraph is now
found all over the Globe.
A REGULAR.POSER.-Everybody can wear a GARIBALDI shirt; butwho
is worthy to stand in GARIBALDI'S shoes?

Now ready, in Magenta cloth,
OASES for BINDING the FIRST VOLUME of FUN.
Price Is. s6.
Now ready,
THE TITLE, PREFACE, and INDEX to the FIRST
VOLUME of FUN, L:autlfully Designed and Engraved, forming an Extra Number.
Price One Penny.
Now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price 4I. 6d.,
THE FIRST VOLUME of FUN; Containing nearly
Three Hundred Comic Engravings by celebrated Artists, and Humourous Articles by the
most Popular Writers.
LONDON: SO, FLEET STREET.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, March 29,1862.

/'

ApRIu 5, 1862.] 21

NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE
SPIRITUALISTS.
FLATS to take-flats to take, FORSTER, man,
Roll up your coat-sleeve as far as you can,
Bare your arm, rub it, and mark it with G-
SG stands for goose and great babies like me I
SING a song for sovereigns,
I -The table's all awry,
Six-and-twenty letters
To rap out for a lie;
FORSTER down in Bryanstone-strooe
Counting out the money,
The editor at Times office
Writing milk and honey,
To advertise the medium
And the things he could disolose,--
When down came the Telograph,
I And snapt off FORSTma's nose I
HusH-A-BY baby,
Spirits will knock;
The wind must be raised,
The table will rock.
When the sham's seen,
The imposture will fall,
Down tumbles FORSTER, table and all.
RIDE away fleet to Bryanstone.street,
To see a young party who's good at a cheat;
He's a ring on his finger, and marks on his
arm,
And he shall have money as long as fools
swarm !

To BE WELSH SHAKEN BEFORE TAKEN.-Wo
are informed that gold is being found in
Wales to a very large amount. As soon as
the L.M.N-tary difficulties in pronouncing the
names of the places are got over, the Welsh
mountains will be much inquired after by
enterprising capitalists, who in the more
elevated districts will be sure to see a summit
and goat to it.
REASONING IN A CIRcLE.-Yorkshire is
A POSER. understood to be the best county for horses,
and the reason probably is, that when you
Young Politiiad :-"' GRANDPAPA, IT SAYS YTU CANNOT 3fArRY YOUR DISEASED WIFE'S have gone through three Ridings, you only
SISTER. COULD YOU MARRY HElR IF SHE WASN'T DISEASED?" will have found one Shier.

STANZAS TO N-B-DY.
You ask what is life? Don't the hall and the hovel
Both feel the same sunbeam's capricious caress?
The thought may be one not remarkably novel,
But there is the fact for us nevertheless.
For each fleeting glimpse of the far-darting sunlight,
In each crystal rain-drop that falls by the way,
Behold a bright mirror, in more than in one light,
Reflecting our life in the change of a day.
What is wealth when at whist your antagonist crazy
Leads off a small diamond instead of a trump?
Will it freshen the leaves of the down-trodden daisy,
We strive to revive with a draught from the pump ?
There's a fountain of trath in the doctrine of PLITO,
And he who takes onions and sage to his pork,
Would stab in the dark a hot mealy potato,
Or rashly impale a green pea on a fork.
You ask what is time ? 'Tis a moment, a minute,
A day, or a week, or a month, or a year,
But as long as the sea has a parsnip within it,
A nose of true friendship will dry up a tear.
Whilst history speaks of a CROMWELL or HA PDEN,
And Fame of their footsteps has left us the track,
Who, throned in the town, either Kentish or Camden,
Would dare to be king of a second-floor back ?

Farewell, and remember whenever there tickles,
The omnibus straw in the threepenny ride,
The heart of the cabbage still lives in your pickles,
Though hushed is the voice of the shrimp in its pride.
Farewell, we must part, but if over I meet thee
Again, and the weather be none of the worst,
Once again my wild shoestrings with gladness will greet thee,
In stanzas suggestive of April the First.

A BLACK DESIGN.-PRESIDENT LINCOLN proposes to buy up all the
slaves in the South. This looks very well for the black, but how in the
name of that other sable personage, who proverbially "looks over LIN-
COLN," does the PRESIDENT propose to pay for the nigger For a
government that has only a sheet of bank-note paper between it and
insolvency, to propose to purchase so much ebony furniture is a piece
of reckless extravagance that the Bankruptcy Commissioners must
judge of.
WHAT is the difference between a pretty girl in a fashionable bonnet
and a blow in the face ?-One is a pretty face in a poke, and the other
is an ugly poke in the face!
LIKE CURES LIKE.-Homosopathists always send every patient to
bed; thus, according to their system, giving to all suffering its
counter-pane.
WHY are poets often people of bad character P-Because they are
ode-ious.

VOL. II. D

22

THE BOTCHERBY PAPERS.

V TIHE 1EW PBi" & THE DIStHARsED BOY.
On Friday-March twenty-one-
In the Lords was little done.
In the Commons BUXTON rose,
A measure to propose,
To prevent the multiplications
Of Colonial Fortifications;
Lewis opposed the plan
Of Maidstone's chosen man,
Who, so said HARRY VANE,
Had best go "bock again;"
And it ended in his withdrawing
After some further jawing.
Reserved Navy Captain's Pay
Was next discussed by HAY,
Who accused the lords controlling
The Admiralty of" cajoling;"
Which, said PAGET, on his word,
Was ne'er done by a present lord.
And PAKINGTON wished to know *
What he meant by saying so,
And PAGET answered on his soul,
He didn't think JOHNNY would "cajole."
Then WIIITESIDE hummed and hawed
About the Dublin Ordnance Fraud.
MILNER GIBSON moved with tact
For leave to bring an Act,
That should some amendments slip in
The Laws of Merchant Shipping.
Leave was given-the Bill was read-
And home at nine the members sped.
In the Lords-March twenty-four-
The Mad Law was talked o'er,
CrIr.LMSFoaoD tried to upset one clause
Without sufficient cause.
In the Commons the talk in chief
Was of Irish Poor Relief.
WHALLEY and NEWDEGATE, you'll guess,
Did their bigotry express;
And BOWYER and MAGUIRE
Showed much ultra-Papist ire;
But the bill its own held firm-ish,
Though not without a skirmish.
On the Mutiny Bill, JAMES WHITE
Stood up boldly for the right,
And tried that clause to smash
Which upholds the accursed lash;
Cox and HENNESSEY took in hand
To do away with the black brand,
But they failed; so we again
Are to scourge and brand our men.
The House-this Christian Act being done-
Adjourned at half-past one.
Tuesday- March twenty fie-
The Lords were kept alive
By some speeches truly great,
On Poland's fallen state.
CARNARVON wished to hear
If we to aid.could interfere P
And RUSSELL answered, "No!
Not as a Government-although
We as a nation tyrants hated,
And wished Poland reinstated."
In the Commons WALPOLE spoke
Of what he does (but sure in joke)

FUTN.

His Resolations call-
Which is what they're not at all!
When he'd finished, rose GEORGE GBE,
And swept his arguments away.
Then BUXTON's praise the New Code got,
And from CECIL bosh-a lot!
And FORSTER (not the medium)
Discussed it usque ad-tedium.
And, subsequently, PULLER
Was-if possible-still duller;
WHITESIDE moved that the Debate
Till the following night should wait.
So, when they'd talked of Hartlepool Dock,
They took wing-ere one o'clock.
I Wednesday-March twenty-si--
The following politics
By the Commons were discussed:
A Bill for Weights andtleasures just,
And another, which we -will
Name the Voting Register Bill;
Here some difference immense is,
Aboat the Register's expenses;
KING thoughtithis the rates should pay,
To which HoWES.answered "Nay!"
HOPE told his flattering tale,
Cox his notions did unveil,
KELLY his opinionibrought,
MITFORD stated what he thought;
PAGET an amendment moved,
Which was finally approved;
BARING sang a:little.dity,
And the Bill:passaeti1*bough committee,
But not till after twodivisions
Upon proposed recisiona.
Then came some complications
About Chancery Regulations,
On which has RorLa :Bill designed,
Whereby law's costly gamae?.confined.;
Of course, much:learned patter
Was spent upon the:matter,
The House did the Bill~ustain,
And then resumed again,
And some half-hour fill
By talking o'er the Whipping Bill;
The M.P.'s, it was odd,
One and all bowed to the rod,
Each one fancied as an urchin
He'd been better for a birching;
Of whieh FUN fancies that, indeed,
They've not all outgrown the need.
On Thursday, Indian Finance
In the Lords led off the dance,
Which AIRLINE and ARGYLL
Talked over some short while.
In the Commons, MR. WHITESIDE
Spoke-not upon the right side-
A long and set oration,
'Gainst the Code of Education,
With plentiful pomposity,
Fine English, and verbosity;
When he'd let off the steam
Against BOB LowE's new scheme,
To discuss his speech ill-starred
Rose OSBORNE of Liskeard,
Who did with perseverance caustic
To the luckless man of law stick,
Upset each trope and figure
With energy and vigour,
Twisted all his speech about,
And turned it inside out;
Ne'er did adverse counsel harry, stir,
Or bait so the great barrister.
ADDERLEY and LEVESON GOWER
Then talked the matter o'er;
And the HONOUIIABLE G. LIDDELL
Indulged in fiddle de diddle;
On the subject MR. BAINES
Bestowed a deal of pains;
When LowE and PAKINGTON had done,
The House adjourned,-soon after one,
To go home and read its FUN.

[APRIL 5, 1-862.

THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION.
WE are enabled on authority (to which we
are not permitted to refer more particularly)
this week to present our readers with a list
of the most remarkable inventions, and
mechanical and other improvements intended
for display at the approaching Exhibition.
With the exception of the first item, which was
of coarse passed immediately, the applications
on this list have not as yet been granted
by the Commissioners--
Br FUN.-A model of our staff, with a
general defiance to t'he whole known universe
to produce its match, either as a crutch for
the feeble, an energetic shillelagh for the'-
refractory, a divining roa, for the wise, or a
magic wand for the million generally.
BY THE SULTAN OF TURKEY.-A- stylish
sample of his last ATrr.
BY DR. CUMMING.-The.midel of a monster
balloon, by which he proposes to rescue the
human race from bottomless space at the
approaching dissolution;of terra firm
BY His HOLINESS THE POPE.-Certain
apparatus warranted to draw tears of blood
from the most obdurate Madlanna. Also a
skeleton of his deceasedhndlls.
IB ARCHBISHOP WIEhBraY.-A long deside-
rated model in brass at rbAco'Ss Novum
Organum.de Scientiarum."
BY THE EMPEROR NAPO;EON.-A model of
the semi-official organs of the French govern-
ment. These instruments can be made to
blend two tunes so skilfilly th t you are
defied to say which is which.
BY ALFRED TENNYSON, EsQ.-An alabaster
cast of his idols of the king.
BY THE EDITOR OF THE SATURDAY
REVIEW."-A pair of spectacles designed for
the use of critics. The glasses are so
marvellously coloured -and figured over with
odd shapes, that the!tlankest or most innocent
object seen through them is instantly filled
with "points" and errors. This invention, it
is contended, is useful in the dull seasons of
literature.
BY SIR W. ARMSTRONG.--Mdel of a new
gun of immense proportions, designed to
throw shells containing a dozen men each to
any height over any distance. If the men
locked themselves securelyinside, their instan-
taneous transport from the trenches of a
besieging army up to the battlements of the
enemy, can be effected without injury to life
or limb. This is proposed to supersede
storming parties and scaling ladders.
Among the less important machinery will
be exhibited the spring of the year, showing
how it is moved by beams of light; an improved
foundation for rumours; the key to a mystery;
proposed alterations on the wheel of fortune,
and the forelock of time; new premises for an
argument; and a great variety of literary
images, figures of speech, golden fancies,
shafts of ridicule, etc.

FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS.-The authorities
of Scarborough have arranged to remove
MR. WYLD'S Great Globe to that select
watering-place. The whole world of fashion
having taken to going there, it is time to set
up a globe for its accommodation.
THE QUESTION or GREECE.-Why should.
the waters of the Grecian Archipelago be
particularly placid P-Because of the i'les that
are spread on their bosom.
A NEW FARCE (BY MR. SEWARD).-OUr
American Cozen.

II

.A.PUL 5, 1862.] ., F U i 23

SONG FOR THE THRONG.
OR, VERSIFICATION FOR THE NATION.

No. XIIT-A RAP FOR A RAPPER.
LADY FOLLY FITZ-FASHION was sitting alone
In her boudoir, reading the Times,
When she lit on a case, 'mid the things that are known
By the name Misdemeanours and Crimes."
She read how a farmer had stupidly lent
His ear to a gipsy-girl's tale;
And was properly fooled to the top of his bent
By that 'cute CINDERELLA, hight SHALE.
For with much hocus-pocus and mystical stuff,
Hey-presto! and fee, faw, and film!
She managed to get from-him money enough
To make up quite a nice little sum!
And her ladyship learned "the judge thought there were few
As foolish as this man had been;
So he fancied a very light sentence would do,"-
Which six months of hard labour did mean.
And then she remembered SELINA, hight SMITH,
Who told fortunes, and that sort of thing,
And got three months in jail, and hard labour therewith,
For her frauds upon weak MRS. KING.
"How ignorant!" she murmur'd, "these people must be
To be tricked by such vulgar impostors!"
Then she ordered the carriage to take her at three
To a spiritual stance at FORSTER'S.
He sat at the table, and, rap-a-tap-tap,
Incorrectly the spirits 'gan spell;
And then wrote down their names, but (as sometimes 'twill hap)
Did not write them -remarkably well.
And he showed her a hand, as you may suppose,
With its white twiddling fingers and thumb-
(Which I fancy he mentally put to his nose)-
And he made quite a nice little sum.
LADY FOLLY! They're ignorant people, 'tis true,
Who are duped by a gipsy impostor;
But tell me, my lady, what better are you,
Who believe in this same Ma. FOasTER F
He'll be twiddling those fingers of his once too aft,
And be caught while displaying the knack,
By the knowing detective who sits up aloft
To take care (and for life) of poor Quack."

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPAEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
MPIIITHEATRE. The
word literally means a
double theatre, the seats
being placed all round,
but it does not appear
that double salaries were
plaid the performers,
althoth, from the con.
-:stattmon of the building,
I011y ast have been
fseem a greater number
ofpistthban usual. The
Snole~sepace was called
the maMs and Romne,
cia in its loss turbulent, or,
as we might say, its
sorenor periods, was
famous for the "lR aen-
tion" effects plroduch d
at these places oin the
largest scale. Arena in
ground__ Latin for sand, with
which, or sawdust, tho
central enclosure was
covered during the
season, and this handy
material has been used
for the samo purpopo
down to the present day. The largest amphitheatre over built was
the Colosseum, commenced as a temptation to dissipation by VsrAsSIAN,
and finished by his son Trrus, who, from being always hungry for
this kind of amusement, was called HA'PY TITus. At the modern
amphitheatre horses are the principal performers, and get the best
bits in the pieces written for them; they are also entitled to the best
positions, places being reserved for them in the amphitheatro stalls.
The clown to the ring is allowed to advance the most ridiculous pro-
positions on the ground that nothing can be more absurd than
reasoning in a circle.
AMarL T.-Any object worn as a talisman against sickness, witch-
craft, etc. If it does not much good, it does not much charm. The
word is derived from the Arabio "hamulet," meaningwhatis suspended,
and it is well known many amulets formerly in vogue were borrowed
from the gibbet. Seafaring people often use a child's caul as a
supposed preservative against danger. If you know any sailor who
is going to sea, you may, therefore, just give him a caul in a friendly
way. If you have not a child's caul convenient, let him have a boat-
swain's, which is quite as useful, and is employed on board ships,
where the crew smoke tobacco to enable them to pipe all hands.
ANGLE is the opening of two lines, but the opening of the under-
ground railway, and the London, Chatham, and Dover Direct, will
not make an angle, though both extend by degrees. The Greenwich
line turns off from the South-Eastern at an angle, but it goes off from
Bermondsey with a Tan-gent. Half the opening of a straight line and
its continuation is a right angle. In all comic publications a line
without a point is considered a wrong angle. A quarrel in a place of
incarceration is a quad-rangle, and trout fishing is a try-angle.
ANGLER, a patient fisherman, who holds out both hands to see
what he can catch, and when he gets something, tries to hook it.
Angling has been recommended as a contemplative pursuit tending
to purify the mind, but it certainly does not improve the morals; for
how can you expect truth from a man who is always going about
the country with a pack of flies ?

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
TnE Editor publishes the following correspondence, thinking tat an
explanation accounting for the non-appearance of the usual graphic
description of the latest sporting events is due to the public.
Letter from Sporting Correspondent to Editor, dated March 20:-
"DEAR F.,-Grand event of next week will be the United Coventry Steeple
Chase on tle let ofApril. Send me five pounds for journey down and expenses.
-Yours truly, "A. Scor."
In good faith we straightway forwarded the required money. On
Monday we received the following note:--
"DzlA F.,-United Coventry Steeple Chase I Halb ha hl ha lOhl April
Fooll-Yours, A 8,"
Vengeance! Legal proceedings at once, de bonis a-sport-atis I

[APRIL 5, 1862.

24 FTN.

At--

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YOU\lN- ITOPE:ETTL-
PFrious Father:-" LOOK HERE, FREDERICK. IT COMES TO THIS: AMI I TO BE MASTER IN MY OWN HOUSE OR ARE YOU "
Calm Frederick:-" WELL, 1 DON'T MIND, GUV'NOR; I will if you like."

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 5.
MRS. HODGKINSON VISITS A MEDIUM.
DEAR ANNE,-We thought for a long time where we should go next,
and had all but decided upon a visit to the Tower, when MARY, after
reading the newspaper, exclaimed, "Oh! mamma, let us go and have
a sitting with MR. FAUSTUS." I wondered, as you will probably
do, why we should go and sit with MR. FAUSTUs, but MARY (who takes
a great interest in this sort of thing) explained that MR. FAUSTUS
was the fashionable medium and distinguished spiritualist. Every one,
you must know, is rushing to see him.
Having ascertained the gentleman's address, we sent him a letter,
and made an appointment with him. On the morning of Tuesday last
we went to his house. I confess that I did feel nervous. The wonders
began when we arrived at his doorstep. Before I could knock or MARY
ring, the knocker was lifted up by an unseen force, and several distinct
raps were given, while the bell was rung violently. Then the door
was opened, not by a footman, but by a handsome though small
mahoganytable,which, with a dealof politeness (it was highlypolished),
showed us into the drawing-room. It muttered something about
" sorry to have to take its leaf," and withdrew. I was so frightened;
but MARY whispered that this must have been ROGERS's table-talk;
and, on the whole, I daresay it was. To proceed. The chairs in this
room came forward of their own accord, and offered themselves for our
accommodation. Their attentions were becoming very annoying, when
a gentleman entered, and after threatening them with "a cane-back
each if they were not quiet," apologized to us for their obtrusiveness.
This was MR. FAUSTUS. He is above the middle height, with
a wiry appearance, as though he was still in the spring of youth. His
power of spiritual influence is all his eye. He has taper fingers, which
I saw as he put them out one by one on the table. The impression
which his face wears is rather worn, and he appears somewhat weary
from perpetually seeing the invisible world. There is, he says, no col-
lusion; and by the way, I ought to say that he is a native of the Con-
federate States. Well, he asked us to sit down at a table, whichwe did.
The first spirit summoned was that of WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR. After
being rapped up, he said that he had possessed a very good character,

only he spelt character with a "k," which MR. FAUSTUS explained
was the old English way. MR. FAUSTUS then greatly rose in our esti-
mation as a spiritualist, by going up a foot or two in the air. He told
us not to be alarmed, but unfortunately one of the spirits played him a
trick, as he suddenly cried, Look out below!" and fell heavily to the
floor. He was not hurt, but very angry, and left the room, ad he said, to
have a private talk withthespirits upon the impropriety oftheir conduct.
There was evidently a very fierce altercation going on in the next room,
and from certain sentences which caught our ears, both MARY and my-
self thought that the spirits were ill-using MR. FAUSTUS. We heard a
discontented voice say something about Let the cat out!" Show
him up!" I suppose this related to a visitor, and when MR. FAUSTUS
returned, he appeared very much out of spirits, in consequence of
which he said no further manifestations would take place. I was sorry
for this, as I wanted to have a show of hands. After a great deal of
pressing, he said that he would give us a hand if we paid on the nail,
and so we gave him an extra two guineas (of which I shall say nothing
to my husband), and he consented. The shutters were closed, and
then began an awful scene. Little fingers, pale and emaciated, ran
about the room, pursued by great thumbs, while MR. FAUSTUS
himself stooped over the cauldron (which he had, I forgot to say,
lighted), and cried out that the Eliza of Life was comingto perfection.
All at once it seemed as if there was an earthquake, at which I was
greatly shocked, and a large nose appeared, gently wafted or blown
towards us. My first idea was to run at the nose; but MR. FAUSTUS
begged me to keep quiet. Then there came strains of music playing
round this nose, as if from WIPEIT's band. Then the fire-irons began to
dance, the tongs uttered several loud bellows, and just as the roaming
nose appeared as if walking across its own bridge, I and MARY fainted.
How we were conveyed home I don't know; but it was a most fearful
affair, and I have not been well since. I am a thorough believer,
agreeing with what Hamlet says, that "there is more philosophy than
ever, Horatio," and so remain your affectionate sister,
MARY ANNE HODGKINSON.
P.S.-I have been reading the "Strange Story." How thrilling!
[We call attention to MRS. HODGKINSON's postscript, which may
account for the phenomena mentioned in the letter. -ED.]

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r?
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APRnL 5, 1862.] F T T. 27

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
RETEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
MARCH goes out like a lamb, thoroughly fleeced, after a short but vain
attempt to wind up his affairs.
APRIL THE FIRST ascends the throne and commences his rain with
a Grand Watercultural Shower Flower, at which will be given a
luncheon consisting of potage a la reine, reindeer tongues, rainish
wine; vocalists, Mr. RAYNOR and a sopraino. After which there
will be a performance of the trained "Cats and Dogs." To con-
clude with an oratorio by UMBRELLA HANDEL, entitled the Spread."
At night the music of the spheres will make as sphereful a noise
as possible, finishing with a grand dance of skylights and aeorolites.
Admission, half-price. No charge for cooking.
MARCH.

30 S Grand service in honour of next Tuesday at the.Alexaer
Sell-kirk.
31 M A lull. Singing, too-ral-iull-too-ral-inH, etc.
APRIL.
1 Tu April Fool's Day. Fuw comes out to-day. ,(Oh! )mun
April fool! because it comes out to-imaoew.) FuN
tremendously sold, and taken in everywhene. Prisoners
locked up in cells. Honey put into cells. 'Balt-sellers
rove about with their spoons. "Sellyoome up," per.
formed by a very full band who have just;dined.
2 W FUN appears, and all nature looks gay.
3 TH Match between DEERFOOT and a running stream; also,
between the same and Little Bill, who has been
running for some time.
4 F Circassian Housemaids' Festival. Washing the-Steppes
of Tartary.
5 S Visiting day for parents at the Infant Orphan Asylm.
GARDENING FOR APRIL. -
April 1st.-took well after your mangles and -womangles in
order to prevent flirtation. Get some one to give you his stoek of
thyme, remembering that there is no thyme like the present." 'take
in your gooseberries (if any); if you can't succeed in making an
April fool of them, you can at all events make a gooseberry fool.
"Parsley," it is said, "grows well in shady situations;" therefore, If
you would cultivate this garnishing and seasoning vegetable, get as
quickly as possible into Whiteoross-street,-there can't be a shadier
situation anywhere. To keep your garden beds cool, cover each bed
with merely a sheet office. To encourage the growth of horse-radish,
you must first ascertain that it can't see you (it hasn't eyes like a
potato), and having assured yourself of this fact, go out every morn-
ing, shake your head at it until yoe are tired, when vary the monotony
by winking for any length of time; both systems are equally effica-
cious for the rearing of this delicacy, for bear in mind, that a nod is
as good as a wink to a blind horse-radish.

ANSWERS TO GARDENING CORRESPONDENTS.
Coeky asks, "What is a perennial ?" How should we know ? Also,
"How should he define atree ?" He should define it; we shouldn't.
Mopstick.-How to destroy earwigs? Very simple. Get a hairdresser
to watch with you all night in the garden. Directly you see an
earwig, seize him by the ears, pull off his wig, and let your assistant
rub his head with hair oil. Frightened at the growth of his own
hair, he will attempt to cut it off. Failure will produce misery,
misery self-destruction, and he will trouble you no more.
Quail.-Rabbits in a garden can be thus got rid of: set a trap, the
best trap is gin; when they have tasted it, in a state of intoxica-
tion they can be.easily destroyed. Regular trappists for this work
may be procured at a shilling an hour from any monastery of La
Trappe.
Pipkins.,-Great care must be used. The best place'to graft slips is
to be selected by following out the instruction of the old proverb,
"Many a slip twixtt the cup and the lip," and proceed accordingly.

READ, GOUGH, READ.-A wretched pauper declared, the other day,
that dram-drinking had been the horrid gin-origin-of all her mis.
fortunes !
A QUESTION FOR LORD DUNDREARB."-Why is the court-martial on
CAPTAIN.ROBERTSON like a sneeze ?-Because it's at issue-a t-i-s-s-u-e.
PRETTY !-Why is a bride like a "poor relation" ?-Because she's
known by her "modest ring" !

EXTRACT FROM THE DIARY OF A VICTIM TO APRI POOL'S DAT.
April 1st.-Roused at three o'clock a.m. by a cry of fire. Rushed
to window; looked out. Cries of "April fool!" from some ill-con-
ditioned young men in the street. Fell over water-jug, and hurt my
shins dreadfully getting into bed.
10 a.m.-Overslept myself, and was awoke by hearing juvenile
voices in my front parlour. Remembered that I had invited my two
nephews (aged respectively twelve and fourteen) to breakfast. Heard
one of them say, See me break this teacup at one go." Objected to
proceeding, and put my head out of door. A pea hit me in the eye,
while younger boy called out, "Oh! you April fool!" Hate boys.
11 80 a.m.-Couldn't find my boots. Nephew (elder one) handed
them in. Good boy after all. Great difficulty in getting them on.
.New pair. That careless shoemaker left a nail sticking up; hurt my
foot. Found out on investigation that it was a corkscrew inserted.
Heard boys laugh. Nephew (elder one) did it. Young ruffian. Shall
write privately to his schoolmaster, and tell him not to spare the
rod.
12 16.-Went in to 'breaklst. Boys gone. Doubtless tired with
waiting. Thankheavenal Made the tea. Newspaper on table (always
read newspaper in the morning); couldn't open it. Sheets gummed
together. Nephewsdid that, I'll be bound. Took a book, and about
to sit down comfortably before fire. Chair taken away suddenly by
horrid boy concealed under table. Both nephews stillbea.
12 30.-Carrier arrived with large hamper.; Ba. to pay. Won.
dered what kwas inside, and who sent it. Boys opened it. Rather a
high smell. iGame :probably; like game. Plenty df straw, making
room look 'lierff table. No game. Dead cat at bottomof basket,
with legend tied o ite neck, "Oh! you April fool antew the nasty
creature out ofwi&ndow.
12 45.-Mob outside crying, '" Who shot the ,at'P"' laspectable
individual called to 'tay that be must indiot me for mai aace.
Neplhews leave, to my great delight.
I pmn.-Mob being dispersed, determined to go out. Put on my
hat quidlly. Walked away down Regent-street. Noticed that people
stared, apparently at me. Little boys followed in my wake, making
unpleasant remarks on my seasonable but mental incapacity. Police-
man stopped me; said I was calculated to excite a crowd. Told me
to take off my coat. Why? I did so. Populace cheered, evidently
under the impression that I was going to engage in personal combat
with the civil executive. Found large placard pinned to my back, on
rhioh was written, "I'm an April fool Thanked the policeman
with tears in my eyes. Crowd disappointed. Hooted and hissed.
2 p.m.-Began to rain; put up umbrella. Down came a shower
of sawdust, with which it had been filled by those wicked young
juveniles. Got brushed and dusted by a shoeblack.
3 p.m.-Tired and faint, went into VERuRE's to get a cup of coffee.
Being hot, I took off my hat. Every eye directed towards me. Even
the French-polished waiters vainly tried to hide their broad grins.
In an attitude of meditation, I passed my hand through my hair; it
came in contact with something glutinous, and was drawn out all
sticky. Whet wasit? Red-currant jam! Those demoniacal youths
must have emptied a pot of that delicate preserve into my hat. Took
a cab and went home. Subsequent calculation showed me that I had
given the cabman a sovereign for a shilling; and he grumbled!
4 p.m.-Went out again; met JONES. Funny fellow, JONEs. Would
I do him a favour? Of course. Ho had to attend a meeting of thi
Royal Geographical Society at Hanover-square Rooms. Would I call
at a stationer's (as he must run off, being late), and procure for him a
"Map of the Undiscovered Islands?" Certainly I would. Do any-
thing for JONES. Went to stationer's. Man laughed in my face.
"April fool!" Saw it all, and went to upbraid JONEs at Hanover-
square Rooms. That place of entertainment not open.
5p.m.- Met ROBINSON. Good fellow, ROBINsoN. Gave me an
order for Drury Lane Theatre. As order was for two, sent for my
old schoolfellow BRowN, gave him a dinner at SIMusoN's, and started
for the theatre.
7 p.m.-Ascended stairs; saw people paying; delighted at going in
on the free list. Offered my order to checktaker. Received a check,
-I mean was stopped. "Order no good," said man, "it's for stalls."
So much the better, said I. Good fellow, ROBINSON. Heard check-
taker laughing at my mistake. Funny dog the check-taker, easily
amused. Went to stall-keeper. "Order no good." Why not?
"Look at it yourself." Did so; read "Admit Two to (orange) Stalls,
(outside) Drury Lane Theatre." Confound that ROBINson. Just like
him. BROWN left in a rage. Went to EvANs'S.
Midnight.-The Hardy Norseman was being deliciously chanted.
Strains of my childhood-being much overcome, I wept, and was
only comforted by the assurance that April Fool's day for 1862 was a
thing of the past.

ArRIL 5, 1862.

28 U :FUT.

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REPENTANCE.

EARLY VISITOR:-" Hu1llo0 What the doose! Why, JACK! what have you done with
your whiskers ? "
JACK :-" Why, old fellow, you see, FRED and I kept up rather late last night; and
somehow we got rather jolly, and about three this morning it occurred to us to shave off
our whiskers and moustaches-and now we begin to think we had better have left them
alone!" [Fact.

TO THE INTELLIGENT PUBLIC
ON the occasion of the last Exhibition
several journals kindly directed the British
public in general what to do when the
myriads of foreigners made their appear-
ance in London. On the present occasion
we think it in unison with the spirit of FUN
to issue directions to the various classes of
what is not to be done.
Managers are requested not to give their
visitors an idea of the British stage by
ballet-burlesque rubbish or stupid adapta-
tions, the clever originals of which the
audience have seen a month before at the
Odion, Varietis, or Porte St. Martin, as the
case may be.
Cabmen are requested not to hold the
fixed idea that they are to make a fortune
by charging their foreign fares just three
times the fair fare, which conduct is
nefarious; and they are requested not to
indulge in expletives or gesticulation.
Publicans are requested not to give a
mixture of Thames water, liquorice, quassia,
and soap to the unfortunate alien who wishes
to form a whole idea of half-and-half.
Omnibus cads are requested not to
charge one unvaried fare of sixpence to
every man with a curly hat, waxed
moustache, and pegtops; or to pass off the
last ten years' accumulation of flash money
by way of change; or to yell, Look alive! "
"Now then!" "Are you going to be all
day etc.
Railway porters are requested not to howl
the names of the stations ap if they were
Cherokee; nor to be deaf when asked
questions, nor to reply scornfully thereto.
Postmasters are requested not to look
superciliously and super silkr at gentlemen
who inquire the postage to, i:ome, Brussels,
Sleswycransheetnich, etc. Nor to be half
an hour giving the required replies.
Tobacconists are requested not to vend
the British cabbage in disguise; by such
conduct the entente cordial will be broke
wholly.
The public are requested not to omit to
buy FUN.

WHY did MACE show. less powers of
endurance than KING in the late fight ?-
Because he feinted a great many times in
the first round.

PAN AT THE PLAY.
OF course, everybody knows that holding the mirror up to nature is
the legitimate function of the dramatist. This duty is shared by the
artists behind the footlights, which probably accounts for the fact
that an actress generally gets on best when she is a good lookin-g-lass.
But there be mirrors and mirrors, and some of the sheets of glass
used in their construction are so hopelessly crinkled in the casting,
that the image they throw back is as false a reflection as any ever
uttered by TuPPEr. Perhaps this does not matter much, so far as
regards the present generation; but into what a dense fog it will
plunge our remote posterity! Let us endeavour to picture to our-
selves an historical student a thousand years hence taking up the new
piece Under the Rose, which has just been produced at the St. James's,
as a picture of the social manners of the nineteenth century. There
is a charming young widow with a slightly irritable disposition, who,
being annoyed at something in a letter from her lover, throws out of
window a flower-pot containing a rose bush which he has given her.
This falls on the head of a pedestrian, and smashes his hat-he rushes
iip-stairs and expostulates-slho offers him a ten-pound note, supposed
to be the price of a new hat-he declines to accept it, and begins to
make love to her-she plays a polka on the piano to drown his pro-
testations-he throws his arm around the servant maid, and makes

her dance with him-she begins to coquet a little-he makes a decla-
ration-she sends for a glass of iced water to calm his raptures-he
goes away in disgust-she finds out that he is a barrister who has
gained a cause for her-he comes back-she makes violent love to him
-he sends for a glass of iced water for her to cool her transports, and
departs in insolent triumph. Now, is it not obvious that the inquirer
who lighted upon this sketch of the manners of our genteel society
would set us down as a pack of incurable lunatics? Still I do not
complain of the piece, since it has afforded "pretty and graceful Miss
KATE TERRY an opportunity of exhibiting her sterling ability, which
she has never before enjoyed. She plays charmingly, and the full
scope of her talent is now a miss-terry no longer.

THE GAME OF GOUGH.-The so-called temperance lecturer, GOUGH,
is preaching war in the Northern States of America. As war, such as
is being waged there, means the shedding of brothers' blood, would it
not be well if this person were to extend the doctrine of total absti-
nence to the indulgence in that fluid as well as the alcoholic?
NOTHING CAN BE CLEARER.-Although the bee gives us such a
liberal supply of honey, it is, by a seeming contradiction, a sting-y-
stingy-creature, after all.
A SLIGHT MISNOMER.-A false troubadour!

OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 15.-Br THE EDITOR or "INDIVIDUALS or TIE PERIOD."
WE-that is to say people of intelligence and respectability-
possess and are well versed in peerages, court calendars, parliamentary
guides, histories of the landed gentry, law-lists, clergy-lists, navy-lists,
army-lists, post-office directories, and other works of social and com-
mercial reference. But the nobility of humour, the courtliness of comi-
cality, the parliament of wit, the landed wealth of waggery, the law of
laughter, the priesthood of pleasantry, the united-service of goodfellow-
ship, the mail-bag of amusement, lack any serviceable index. It is to
supply this want, in some measure, that I now purpose giving biogra-
phical sketches of the distinguished authors who have, up to the
present time, competed for the prize which is to be given by FUN.
C-RL-LE, TiH-M-s.-Born about the 31st of June, 1830, at
Manchester. His father owned a mill there, and intended bringing up
young Thomas to the cotton trade. At the age of fourteen, however,
the lad manifested so extraordinary talent for mechanicalpursuits, that
he was very properly articled to an engineer. He has continued the
occupation upon which he had entered; but in the intervals of business
he has contrived to give the world many pamphlets and some lengthier
productions, on the popular side of social and political questions. He
has advocated, for instance, vote by ballot and the prevention of the
slave trade. His style is clear, and well adapted to the common
understanding, but it has been considered somewhat deficient in
expression and individuality. Contributes occasionally to FuN.
TII-CK-Y, W-L-II. M-KEP-E, the author of "Philip the
Falconer," "The Shipwreck," "Savourneen Deelish," and other
songs, is an Irishman, having been horn of humble parents in the cily
of Cork. ITo emigrated with them to Australia, and devoted his
energies to the management of a crockery store. Not liking the
Snusiness, he returned to his native country, and took some part in
agitations a,.; inst the English Government. He then came to London,
and wrote pieces for the minor theatres. One of his incidental

ballads, already mentioned, becoming popl) r, le was e1nable'd to take
higher ground in literature, and he .st arlnd T'I'imph, li ar in con-
junction with MRs. S. C. H--... 'Tho a;ppiir'ce of ia Flrt and
lively chapter from his pen in the pages oIf Fl' IN raised hii; at, once
into note. Ho has since enjoyed a considerable share of public
favour.
BR-N-G, RE--i-T, originally a dentist, was born in tbo
Borough, and walked Guy's Ilospital till lhe grew tired, and satl down
to study comic literature. He is the joint author, with Mi. .ln
I--L-NGS-I), of "Bow Bells and Walnuts," bill iti was only by
slow and cautious degrees that lie relinquisiihel his ties with thie
medical profession, and came before the world as a ririglinr contrilrnor
to various periodicals. His position is now an assured one: priinci-
pally by means of the extensive celebrity conferred on his name by
the publication of one of his lyrics in FUN.
T--ri'-, M-T-N F--q--, long employed as the poet of
MESSRS. 1--S-- and S-N, was born,--but the precise dalt is of no
consequence. Published "Life amongst Lorettes," and Songs (it
the Slums, by a Shoeless Arab." Although hii works cannot sautlly
be introduced into the drawing-room, his vivid and highly-wrought.
descriptions of Parisian life, in tho Ru e de Brlta nd tihe Qnrli i'r
Latin, will always have a certain interest for meno of the world. In
his old ago was charitably allowed to write flr FrN.
D--CK-NS, Cl--s, a theological writer, wis born in the
Orkney Islands. Coming to London, he obtained anr intlroilirtion 6I
MR. G. A. S-LA, who was the editor of the Satlrdaryl i''iri',, nndi
who employed him to collect materials for his history of fli I, Pllgila
heresy. lIe subsequently edited Ithe mystical writings of NlMoulNns ;
but his chief title to fame is the essay which he contributed 0to FrN.
In person, MR. D--c-Ns is gigantic, and his hair is of a vivid
green.
A-NSW-TIl, W-LL-- II-RR--S-N, equestrian performer, rodo
from London to York in ono day. He never did anything elso worth
mentioning, except his essay in FUN.
A-T-N, W--LL-M Eu I-ST-E, writer of satirical poems against
the Scotch, which, although frequently scurrilous, have great literary
merit, was born in Toolcy-street, London, and coimmnced lift as a
linendraper's assistant. Has published the Tailor in Tartan," and
"Lines to the DUKE OF ARGYLL." Contributed to FUN.
R-SK-N, J-N, house-agent, was born amid the purple solitude
and silvery flashing cataracts of Cadore. Has always ai(led accord-
ingly. Published the '"Bricks of Babylon," Land Noises," andl
"Plain Ugliness." A travesty of the latter, under tlh title of" hMoun-
tain Beauty," has been gonorally attributed to Ml. S-ISOLOMN IIARr, R.A.
Wrote in FuN.
W--RR-N, S-M-L., displayed symptoms of aninriti at arn early
age. Owing to a congenital defect, slavered. Wan alsio addicllld to
driving locomotives and to dissipation, whicl lie justified by the llotiin-
tion, Dulce est desipere in locomotive. Contracted an imprudent
marriage, and sold his timber. Was made a master in lunacy a a.
bribe to prevent him from writing any more books. Placed under
mild restraint, lie elIded the vigilance of hil koopoer, and contributed
to FUN.
M-CK-Y, Clr-s, author of the "Spihinxiad," has declined Io
give us any information at all. Is known, however, to be a doctor.
Wrote in FIN.
P-TIM--RE, C-V-NT-Y, is one of tlio most respectable men
living, but has erroneous ideas respecting tli letter It. A pone of
his was admitted into the columns of FUN by mistake.
CL-SE, the Poet.-Vide PALMERSTON, LORD.
L-ND-n, W-LT-- S-V--cG, made a mistake as to the placo
and period of his birth, which ought to have occurred at Athens in
the age of PERICLES. Has never quite overcomrne tile elocts of this
youthful error. For his contribution to FUN was rewarded by the
presentation of an estate in Warwickslire.
B-CK-E, H-N-Y Ti-M--s, was apprenticed to a bookbinder,
and copied the title of every book which came into his hands for
manipulation, subsequently prefixing a list of the same to his history
of Irrigation." This is almost his only claim to notice, except one
brilliant essay in FUN.

HOOP DE DOODEN I)o!-A monster meeting was held the other day
by the ladies of Tyburnia for the purpose of adopting measures to put
down crinoline. It is believed that thn reason of' the movenrmnt is to
be found in the fact that tIhe distance it canued between the sexes pro-
vcnied their corning together at the altar. The i, .11 1,.. iin a word,
steeled their bosoms, while the ladies steeled tie skirts.
SYNONYMiUS TERnMs.--When people are on "the erame footing," they
are also on an equality-a knee quality-with each other!

I

3o F -I T NiS. [APRI 5, 186 2.

SI-.A =, R.A.TIIEI, !
ArNT I PRECIOUS COLD, NEITHER 1"
" WELL, YER A RUM COVE TO BE COLD WHEN TER SO NEAR A FIRE-MAN !

HANWELL FESTIVAL.
ON the I st of April the usual rejoicings were held at Hanwell.
They were held by the tail until the Society for Promoting Cruelty
to Animals interfered. At eight o'clock in the afternoon, which was
postponed until next day in consequence of the flower show, all the
residents in Hanwell walked in procession to the top of the house,
where they washed the rising sun, and sang a hymn to the Camber-
well omnibus. After this they boxed the compass and each other.
One of the keeper's necks was then wrung, which summoned the
gentlemen to supper, that being the first meal of the day. For three
hours after this, some members of the Hanwell College were engaged
in extracting lemonade from birdlime; while others pensively fished
for peacocks, and a few sporting spirits chased the wily oyster from
his lair beyond the gooseberry bushes. At four o'clock every one
jumped out of their skins, which were thereupon polished and trimmed
to suit the wants of modern society. At eleven o'clock in the morn-
ing there were fireworks in the dining.room, where a cold luncheon
was made of Catherine weal, almond rocket, toffy, and potatoes.
Charge, a crown a head, including refreshments. On the arrival
of the Master in Lunacy, MR. WARREN, the members hid themselves,
so that his nerves might not be disturbed. All the doors of the house
wore slammed at once to imitate a cannon; while heavy articles of
furniture were rolled down the stairs, so that the resemblance to
artillery in the distance was perfect There was a grand performance
of a play written by one of the inmates, at which MR. WARREN was
much delighted. It was called
BCDFKLPQXZ!
a thrilling drama in seventeen acts, five tableaux, and twopence three
farthings.
N.B.-The copyright may hear of something to its advantage.

A magnificent epilogue was spoken before the commencement of
the piece, amid the clashing of drnms and cymbals, the popping of
ginger beer (which liquid was drank out of bass-vials), and the break-
ing of news, so that our reporter could not catch every word until
the entire manuscript was thrown at his head. It was as follows:-
Enter a monster disguised as a sausage; symphony on the Germanflute
by a cousin German. He speaks the following epilogue with the proper
actions for assault and recovery of damages.
I am a Zingara. Booh! (Dances.) How many of my poorest
subjects are at this hour asleep! (Orchestra-BRi-t-tiddy-ti-iddy-ti.)
Enter a chorus at the wrong time, restrains its emotion and retires.
Several people are driven to distraction at sixpence a mile. Tableau
with umbrellas.
Act 5.-The shades of night. Scene.-One o'clock in the morning.
[Eseunt Omnes.
Act 3, and last.-Antibilious pills taken at last, after a long siege.
British troops triumphant. Musicians sacrifice time to tune. Pulse
heard beating in the distance.
The Fair Marthinthia. He comes! [Exeunt all.
Act 5 is encored.
Act 10 omitted on the grounds of the Zoological Gardens.
Tableau 7.-A mountain. Curtain goes up, followed by an immense
crowd. Green fire.
Acidulated Drop.
After this Thespian triumph an epitaph was hummed in an under-
tone, and a vote of thanks was passed on the road to Northumberland
by an express train, and the inmates of Hanwell College retired to
rest, apparently well pleased with their rationally and well-spent
day.

London; Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, April 6, 1862.

APRIL 12, 1862.1 IT IN 31

GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
Illustrated with Sketches taken on the Spot.

CHAPTER THE TWENTIETH, AND LAST.
KIND reader, the humblest amidst all historians,
Has so weary grown of the Phocians and Dorians,
Epeirots, Achaeans, Baiotions, (altho'
Of their deeds still to tell there be oceans, we know),
That he's made up his mind not to tell any more,
But in this chapter twenty to settle his score,
And in verse-this his great verse-atility shows,
For you've witnessed already how well he can prose,-
Which he trusts with his readers will serve to make peace,
For thus closing his comical history of Greece.
*
Now, when these great Grecians began to degenerate,
They gave their minds to it, and did it at any rate.
Compared to the way in which war they kept waging,
(Their manners, you see, were so very engaging),
Compared to the way in which all took delight in,
Both swearing, and tearing, and biting, and fighting,
And kept up one ceaseless attack and assault,
The Cats of Kilkenny," were mild to a fault.
They never knew mercy,
But quite "wicey worsey,"
Their manner in battle was pointed and tersy,
A word and a blow,
And then over you'd go,
If you didn't lay low
Your impertinent foe,
He'd be certain to save you that trouble, you know.
Now the great monarch PHILIP, whose greatness consisted
In being remorseless and very hard fisted,
Is said to have poisoned the worthy ARATUs
By popping some arsenic amongst his potatoes;
Then wanting to levy high toll from .ETOLIA,
(And with his misfortunes we really condole here),
He came to great grief, for the Romans grew jealous
Of PHILIP, the most overbearing of fellows.

And sending their legions in lumps to attack him,
Made their minds up to die or decisively whack him.
They succeeded in doing the latter, but Greece
Fell to pieces not very long after the peace,
Their luxurious manners began to increase,
It was plainly all up with the Peloponncse.
For the Romans, as stern as the mounted police,
Full soon managed to slaughter, and swindle, and fleece
The Greeks, who heroic were somewhat of geese,
And they found themselves right up the tallest of trees.
While their wide-spread dominions,
Far aport as opinions
Of Quakers and Turks, or of saints and Socinians,
Were all lumped together,
And no matter whether
The people were tall, short, well-fattened or skinny 'nns,
They were ranged like sardines bought at FoaTNUM'S or GRIGNON's,
Or ropes of what low vulgar people call inions,"
Beneath the strong thumb
Of the Romans who'd come,
And having the banner of vic'try unfurled,
Rubbed out Greece, as it were, from the map of the world.
FINE-HISS.

OUTRAGE AT CAMBRIDGE.
OUR Cambridge correspondent writes that a few evenings ago some
miscreants attacked and wounded a poor man, whoso name at present
is unknown. He was found by MR. S. CRIBLING PAPER, of St. Smith's
Coll., who was senior wrangler a year or two ago. Our correspondent
feels that he cannot do better than reproduce verbatim, in the very
intelligible and highly characteristic language of the eminent mathe-
matician, the announcement of tho outrage:-
When taking a friendly walk-an harmonio progression, in fact-
on an evening ii, with my friend QUILLs, of Swan's, we saw at a given
point a finite distance from the parallelogram, a quiescent mass upon
the ground. By a virtual impulse, we bounded with accelerated
velocity in a straight line to the locus, and in a few secants discurvercd
the rigid body of a man lying horizontally in the path along which we
were traversing. In the twilight, we were unable at first to perceive
that his arms were tied with constant chords; but under the impression
he had been freely immersing himself in heavy fluids, we touched himi
externally in more points than one in order to arouse him. However,
the resultant effect of all our pressures at any point was zero; and when
we tried to raise him by high power, we found he was not a rational
quantity. On investigating the conditions of his equilibrium, we dis-
covered that, generally, he had been most cruelly, and, at the same
time, most excentrically treated. From the facts that a couple of
axes (evidently the properties of numbers) were lying about, and
that he had been cut-actually cut parallel to one of his sides by
a plane,* we had some clue (P glue) that he had been at-ta'ck-cd by
carpenters. One of his arms was broken in several places, indeed it
was a continued fraction."
MR. S. CaRILING PAPER subsequently observed that "the police are
as yet quite at a nonplus to identify the sufferer. As an approxima-
tion to his identity, they state that several of his teeth are minus
quantities, their roots having been extracted. As the outrage was
perpetrated on a day n, no doubt the ruffians will be caught within a
day (n minus r plus 1), in which expression, from one's fervent desire
for speedy justice, r is very nearly equal ton. However, it is gratifying
to know that there is good reason to believe they are already within
focal distance of the eye of the law."

LET DOGS DELIGHT, ETC.
WE have recently been informed, on credible authority, that a lady,
whose generosity exceeds her judgment, has given the munificent sum
of one thousand pounds to the institution known as the home for lost
and friendless dogs, at Holloway, for the purpose of purchasing a piece
of adjacent ground, to be laid out as an ornamental garden for the
animals to take airings in. We are delighted to find that we live in
such prosperous times, for we cannot for one moment suppose that nny
animal of the human species can be in want, or suffering privation, or
that any hospital or public charity can be otherwise than well provided
for when we find euch magnificent generosity bestowed upon the brute
creation; but we cannot refrain from remarking, that it is a pity that
charity (of course, no longer needed) should "go to the dogs."

Surely Min. P. is speaking parabolically.-ED.

VOL. II. V

FU N.

[APRIL 12, 1862.

THE BOTCHMER? PAPH&S,

F corc

What the Enemy ofthe Working Man rjolces to sec.
Friday-March twenty-eight-.
The Lords the violence deprecate..
Which Trade Unionists heie committed,
With a blindness to be pitied.
'Tis strange the working man
Will against his own cause plan,
And will to do those things conspire
Which his enemies desire!
Their Lordships cut their sticks
At five-and-twenty to six.
In the Commons, on Paraguay,
LIDDELL something had to say;
FORSTER thought the Belgians had
Given the Treaty treatment bad.
The Education Code once more
Was brought upon the floor;
Government, so Boa LowE did say,
To the pressure would give way,
On certain minor clauses,
For most sufficient causes.
WALPoLE, ENTIELD, and DIsnAET,
This course approved-of gaily-
FORSTER, NEWDEGATE, and GRET,
Had likewise each their say.
The House tried its digestion
On some minor points in question,
The next debate for Monday fix,
And leave a quarter to six.
Monday-the Lords began on
The Irish River-Shannon,
And thence, by the American Mail,
Did to Australia' Government sail-
Extensive.travelling, by the powers,
To be done within two hours!
In the Commons, CAPTAIN Jiavrs
Asked about the Pegu Service,
When its prize money (delayed
For so long season) would-be paid ?
And was told by CIrABLET Woon
That it should, whene'er it could.
BLAKE next referred again
To Persecution in Spain.
From Militia the House skips
To Forts and Iron Ships;
SIR F. SmITH againstt forts protested
And "Monitors" suggested;
LAIRD, GREGORY, DUFF, and HAY,
On the matter had their say;
Then Lwis in turn reports
Government hankers still for forts;
BaRxIo rose next, and pooh-pooh'd each,
OSBORNE made a telling speech
(He long ago againstt forts did preach);
And then HUBBARD gave agroan
About the Turkish Loan.
Next the House discussed Supply
(Figures-and rather dry!).
The Bill for Art Copyright.
Was a third time read this-night;
.And after other things a few,
The House adjourned at two.
The first of April-All Fool's Day-
The Lords did little, strange to say,-

Unless they holiday made, at least,
On their own peculiar Feast.
The Commons first POPE HENNESSY
Would have all sorts of men essay,
,Inun-nominated hosts,
For Civil Service Posts;
VANSITTART hoped the plan would pass;
CocHBANE made himself an ass
Without of taste a particle,
By reading a weak article
About the CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER;
PEACOCKE proud kept up his pecker,
And. then a speech from young Loan STANLEY
Followed-statesmanlike and manly;
And after "other some" had talked,
POPE HENNESSY was baulked.
Ma. SHERIDAN (whose sires
.Have suffered much by fires)
-Said the Duties on Insurance
Were things beyond endurance;
PAM and GLADSTONE did their best
To set the notion at rest,
But the House, when it divided,
Their eloquence derided,
And by eleven againstt PAM decided,
The House got business done
Five minutes before one.
On Wednesday-April two-
The Commones had not much to do;
But some short time they fill
With the Irish Marriage Bill,
Ofwhioh GRoAA (Dublin city)
Opposed the-going to committee.
But for the .Bill did rouse
friends onuboth sides of the House.
A Bill on the Property Laws
Was discussed then clause by clause;
The Soane-Museum Bill closed tie.day
Bysix the Members were away;
Thursday -April third-was spent
By the Lords in Parliament
Chiefly in iron-plating,
And its usefulness, debating.
In the Commons, chief of all,
Did GLAD.SONE lead the ball,
And to members most refractory
Preached a Budget satisfactory,
For there's no new tax-addition,
Although there's no remission,
But some altering of duties
Made the country's good to suit is.
'Twixt our Expense and Revenue small,
Is the difference-'-none at all!
(So we must husband all amounts,
Lest we overdraw accounts),
A state of things accounted for
By the Transatlantic War.
The chief amendment fiscal
We may reasonably this call,
His favourite number-three-
GLADSTONE states wine's sorts to be;
"Natural," light by alcohol test,
"Brandied"--for British zest-
"Brandied above spirit-line,"
Which is spirit passed for wine.
For the first a shilling's reckoned,
Two-and-six upon the second,
For duty-and on the last
A threepence more is cast:
Next GLADSTONE wields his powers
To relieve the Kent hop-growers:
With threepence licence placed in lieu
On each barrel of the brew.
On cards is next reduced the tax,
(Times of peace should favour packs);
By the Scots a duty laid
On their Probates must be paid;
There'll be charged on foreign loan
The same duty as on our own;
A licence is planned for landlords' places,
At fairs, cricket-matches, races.

Other items of modification,
Had a niche in this oration,
Whioh for three long mortal hours
Taxed the statesman's brilliant powe--s.
When the House had made decisions
And, remarks on these previsions,
It did some other business do
And adjourned soon after two.
.Here ends the Budget, writ in rhyme,
Fue bell ves, for the first time!

Jas bionabI EIntdligenme.
SzVEN Drms, TUESDAY.
ON Saturday last, Mas. JONEs gave her
petit reunion. Her costume on the occasion
was a robe of sunflowers printed on calico,
trimmed aas tiches de bierre (beer stains).
She wore her hair au tutwrel. Mn. JONES
nwas dressed in a complete suit of green
fustiam, with black patches let tastefully into
it. The company consisted of thefleur de la
fler of Seven Dialsion society. The refresh-
mlitf, were proqidal, rom. the Cook and
RBttle tavern.
Mass H.ADar, during the past week, has
paid .a: vsiitt her uncle, accompanied by the
ancestral griiron, which is to be left, for
family reasons, in his hands.
An affais- of' ishonour camel off :ajt,-the
polioe.cowli on Thursday last, between, MR.
SNoB,aed Ma. GENa.. It appears. the ease
of theiqarrel was a miarmderstandibg en Abe
part of the former" gentleman as to. ibe
meaning of-the worda'-ne~ssad- uwnm, wiiich
resulted in tbe hanodlnps.re f a Li MA. G)Sr
paying iato the pocksdi mb'MN. SBMo. 'Ve
magiatrate, aftarpabiaFy hearing tbe case,
good-lmmouredly suggaetB that UR. ENOB
ahoald retire to the lHouse o" Correation
until the affair hade a 9ei.t Tha[genntle-
man, after thanking his worship, fo llbwed his
advice.
Ma. Noao has finihed.his "-Ode on Spring
Fashions." We believe in this poem he has
surpassed'hispreviouseffdrts. MESSRS. IZAAK
and SON, clothiers, publish it.

ElROM THE DAIATR OF A LVIWG SURGEON.
WHEN the patient was ill,
The patient "most grateful" would be;
But when the patient got well,
The patient disputed the fee!

A DEAN DENOUNCED.-The DEAN OF
.CARBSLa has been fulminating against the
volunteers of that place fo!: getting up private
theatricals. The reverend gentleman gives
*himself many airs, but the. deanery must
smell very OCosE, in spite .ofthat, owing to
the odour of that piety which prefers Cant
to Charity, and would rather have an army
of Tartuffes, Mawworms, Self-elect Saints,
Spurgeons, Closes, and Hypocrites, than a
corps.of cheerful honest Christian gentlemen.
THE NEW LUNACY BaLL.-We have it on
good authority that one of the additions
which Lord Westbury meditates making to
his new bill, will be a clause empowering any
police magistrate to send summarily to a
lunatic asylum, any person proved, on the
evidence of two respectable newsvendors,
not to be in the habit of taking in FUN
every week.
THE difference between the prize ring and
the bridal ring.is, this,-one knocks you down,
and the other blows you up.

_ __ I

9~----

ArIL 12, 1862.]

F-U IN.

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
RCHERY.-A method of warfare
in past times, and included among
the pastimes of the present.
Ladies are now frequently seen
S0 going out with their bows, and
matches are made for the express
purpose of testing their dexterity
in getting near the ring. It was
Formerly much practised near Lon-
don, especially about Bow and
Harrow, and the Toxophilito
Society, so called because in that
spciety the talk's of a light kind,
has done much to revive the exer-
cise. Ifa pretty archeross should
be questioned as to what she con-
siders would furnish the best ma-
c trial for a bean, it is rather nice to
-~~h--hear through her rosy lips, Why,
j yew, to be sure."
ANTIPODES, a word of Greek origin, signifying literally those who
have their feet over against each other, so that you may measure the
exact antipodal place on the earth by a two-foot rule. Though
rather distant, the inhabitants are our opposite neighbours, and it is
not because they are beneath us that we should show no sympathy
with them in their reverses. When it is our shortest day it is their
shortest night, and noon of the longest day in London is midnight of the
shortest day at New Zealand. Therefore, if time is money, people
taking sometimes the one and sometimes the other to discharge their
obligations, the above will be found the best place to get a day
changed or get a month discounted. Anybody sent through the
earth from London on a Saturday afternoon, would be literally
knocked into the middle of nest week by the time he dropped in or
dropped out at the antipodes.
APOTHECARIES, in general acceptation, are those who put drugs of
which they know little, into bodies of which they know less. It is,
however, of no use quarrelling with such a very useful class, so when
you give a prescription to the apothecary, you can shake hands with
him, and ask him to make it up. With medicines lie is but a
dispenser; and if you can be a dispenser of medicines too, no great
harm is done. The mixture'that he puts into a phial, it must be
admitted, is generally a phial mixture, composed with the worst possible
taste.
APILE.-This fruit is derived from the wild crab, originally so acid
and sour, and which we cultivated with so much assiduity, that at
this hour, happily, we have got our dessert. The varieties of the
apple are known under many appellations, and even those excluded
from the table are turned to good account, as what may be called the
insider and the out-cider, are equally valuable in their way. The
apple is met with in a great many quarters, but is unrivalled in
liritain, though it may be pared in several other places. The juice
has been lately discovered to be of great service to manufacturers,
who had previously to give up a certain dye for an uncertainty.
The malic acid fixes the colour in the fabric, so if your cloth has got
a nap ill dyed, you will know it has not been submitted to that
application.
AnCIlITECTURE, the art of planning and raising edifices, was one of
Sho earliest inventions, as before anybody could have been found at
home, the architect must have been found out. A German writer
poetically describes a fine building as Frozen Music," which a lisping
young lady has partly explained by speaking of "the fluted column we
thaw." In the exhibition of architecture, which has been open for
very many centuries, orders are admitted, and an architect can go in
at any time he likes. According to the nature of the roof, you judge
of the various styles. It would be wrong to suppose that if you make
one door it is in the simple Doric, and if two doors it is in the Tudor
style. An example of a modern order of architecture may be seen in the
new building for the International Exhibition, which may be called the
GuY FOWKE'S style. It is surmounted by a couple of domes or lanterns,
but it is not easy to find its match.

THIE EMPFEROR OF THE FaB-CTI generally plays his game very elererly,
but he found PICARD anm awkward card to shuffle with.
* A CON. BY ONE oP on0 OFFICE Boys.-Why is my sister's name an
untruth ?-Because its ELIZA !'

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.

iEAR Pux,-Up again! with a
yoicks! a tallyho! and a whoop!
The last run of the season, and the
I best. I came in for it quite acci-
dentally. Being, as you know, somne-
thing of an artist, 1 went down into
the Forkshiro county to do a little
bit of sketching. In the morning
two gentlemen said something
about going to draw Fursloy (orso,
so I got out my sketch-book, pan-
cils, and paints, and prepared to
accompany them. Oh! to Ibronlhl
the pure mountain air, and whilo
cantering along easily on my little pony, rejoicing in being fi-od firon
the nag, nag, nag of Mus. 13. One of my acquaintances said that he
hadn't had a brush for some time: I very politely offered to slow him
mine, at which he laughed immensely. The other said he didn't
think I could take a stone wall; whereuppn, feeling somewhat lurl, I
sharpened a pencil and commenced. However, I soon ibund that
they hadn't come out for artistic purposes, but wore going to pursue
the cunning fox. I determined to join them, and now send you a reil
racy account of the day's sport.
Having passed the toll-bar, wo arrived at the Legaan Arms, where,
cold mutton being on table, wo found several gentlemen already at the
meet. The mutton and a round of veal were nearly finished, built by
uniting the two, and putting the shoulder to the veal, we mannagd I o
do pretty well. Now to business. At last the dogs wore viewed in the
distance, but it turned out to be only a pedlar with his pack. The
hounds came up, and were at once turned into a wood, which had
quite a magical effect. Soon old Munchor's unerring tongue pro-
claimed that the crafty vermin was not far off. We found at list
in the brake, where thero was a good burst. Away we went, over
Hun Common, leaping the blind hedges, which looked (T thought)
unpleasant, over the moor (mentioned in Black's Guide) through tho
dell (delicious!) into the ravine (a weird spot, enough to drive onI
ravine mad), and up tho hill, for none took the valo. At Titconiiimbl'or
the deceitful vulpine went to earth, and so our hunting very icarly
came to the ground. Weo wero near a river, and the t'reaciheroLIs
roost-robber went into the bank, and after burrowing as much ias
he wanted, reappeared in the distance going faster than Ivi' '. ihtl
his days were numbered. It was hli lust fliel. 'The raiLncly thitf,
game to the backbone, in older to hide hinself, indo it dart, under a
harrow into a hole. It was a good joke iBt lbefro hle co iul eiler
into it thoroughly tho hounds had seized him by his iruIs, showing
themselves tenants in tail previous to a settlement; and so its Mlant'r
IRynard was unable to find an opening for escape, he died without
issue.
This, my dear FUN, was something like a run This rather beat
the style of sport in which a well-known ancestor of mino was engaged
previous to his bringing homo a rabbit-skin wherein to wrnp the
juvenile members of his young child. That infant was I That rab-
bit skin, dear FUN, is still a hare-loom in our fimnily.-Yonrs truly,
Cray Dell. BABY BUNTING.

PARLIAMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.
THE following appeared in the Dailt Tclegraph last week:-
"THE EASTER lrECESS.-MR. DISIAELI asked whether theo Government blind
fixed the day upon which the House would adjourn bfr the Eastor vacation, tuld
how long it would last?
"LoaD PALMERSTON said he would reply to the question on Thursday next."
"How long would it last?" Indeed! Here's a clever question
for an ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer to require information on! Wo
always thought MBi. DiSlAELI was "up to the time of day; but it is
painfully evident, from his own query, that li is in doubt concerning
the duration of it. Loan PAI.MERSTON, too, seems to have shared in
the right lion. gentleman's perplexity, for he deferred answering the
question till the next Thursday-evidently with the intention, in the
meantime, of closely studying, and perhaps, even, of taking those opinion
of his colleagues on it. Although FUN, as a rule, likes to see people
industrious, and find out things for themselves, he doesn't object, now
and then, to afford them a little assistance and information; and, as
"the matter held" in the present instanoo is of rather a puzzling nature,
begs, after most careful consideration, to give it as his mature and
delicate opinion, that'the day upon which the House adjourns for teo
Easter recess will be, as near as can be calculated, of twelve hours'
duration-there or thereabout.

PAN AT THE PLAY.
Tirs being a season of fast, the theatres naturally show their
hatred of ecclesiastical despotism by being unusually slow. Not that
there is any lack of activity in the halls of Thespis, but then it is all
developed by daylight, or rather in the semi-obscurity which passes
by that name in such localities. Look in about midday, if by any
marvellously ingenious pretext you can manage to pass the mystic
barrier of the stage-door; you will probably see the stage-manager
tearing his hair because the author has not sent in that missing scene
which he constantly avers is "nearly finished," but which, in all
probability, he has not yet commenced; the author looking daggers
at the low comedian who will insist upon doing some business of
his own invention, which he thinks marvellously funny, but which
is nothing at all like what was intended; carpenters sawing, planing,
and chiselling; scene-painters laying on apparently unmeaning dabs
of very bright colour, and everything in a state of confusion calculated
to drive any quiet, steady-going citizen out of his mind in something
under five minutes. The very last notion likely to flit across the mind
of a stranger would be that the work in hand was anything, even in the
remotest degree, funny. Wait some ten days, my friend, and pay
your next visit in the evening; you will be cured of trusting to
appearances for the remainder of your natural life. There will be
only three new burlesques this Easter. MIR. LEICESTER BUCKINGHAM
furnishes the Strand with a travestie of Pizarro, Miss CHARLOTTE
SANDEaRS being the patriotic Rolla, Miss ADA SWANBOROUGH the
chivalrous Alonzo, MR. J. CLARKE the Pizarro, and MR. JAMES ROGERs
the bewitching Cora. At the Olympic, MR. F. C. BURNAND has merrily
treated the story of Fair Rosamond-a capital subject, to which his
witty pen is capable of doing full justice; and the St. James's will
have a fairy extravaganza by MR. WILLIAM BROUGH. The busy B's
seem still to retain their monopoly of burlesque writing; let us hope

that while these little indefatigable insects are busily striving to make
honey, the critics will be sparing of their whacks.
I have been studying, with at least as much wonder as edification,
a chapter of the history of Hindostan, as set forth in the Rajal of
Nagpore, which is the latest success at ASTLEY's. According
to the author of this drama, when Nagpore was under native
rule, the sacred elephant was everybody, and, in fact, rather
more. He nominated the king by taking the sceptre out of an
ornamented tea chest and handing it to him; chose the wife of
the happy sovereign, in which branch of his functions he apparently
displayed a weakness for red hair and wrinkles; and, in fact, made
himself generally useful and disagreeable. I must in candour state
that when I saw him, the sacred elephant displayed singular acuteness,
and instead of giving the sceptre to anybody, kept it for himself,
and remained its proud possessor at the end of the first act. But
this was clearly the result of his own natural sagacity, and was not in
the plot. I would give something to know what the elephant thinks of
the biped actors by whom he is nightly surrounded. Very long odds
might be laid that he thinks them a set of awful fools, but the truth
must be for ever wrapped in obscurity. I must frankly own that the
elephants-for. there are two, a genuine sanctity and an impostor-are
marvellously trained, but why not have made a horse the autocrat ?
A poor nag would have been the most appropriate monarch of Nag-
pore.

THE REASON WHY.-Despite all Ma. URQUHAaT'S endeavours, the
Turkish baths, like bad lead pencils, don't draw. Englishmen are
not potatoes that they should require either boiling or steaming;
besides, who can wonder at the non-success of a systemwhich makes
an essential point of throwing cold water on its warmest advocates?
"ONLY ONE WORD."-Of course, only's one word; whoever tried to
make more of it?

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APRIL 12, 1862.]

SONG FOR THE THRONG.
OR, VERIFICATION FOR THE NATION.

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No. XIV.-JACK'S OPINION OF IRONSIDRS.
TrBY tell us, my lads, that fresh dangers environ
This tight little island, the queen of the sea;
They prate of French vessels, all plated with iron,
And Ericsson batteries-little care we !
For we know that Jack Tar ne'er from duty will swerve,
And we give just three cheers for the Naval Reserve !
They may talk as they please about Science and Art
Having altered War's tactics, in manner affrighting-
But they've yet to persuade us that pluck plays no part,
And that game is no use when it comes to real fighting :
And we know that Jack Tar ne'er from duty will swerve,
So we give just three cheers for the Naval Reserve!
They may tell of the battery's work at a target,
When it comes to hot work with our boys it may fail,-
For your landsman who makes a prime sailor off Margate,
Is a lubber at best when it's blowing a gale.
And we know that Jack Tar ne'er from duty will swerve,
So we give just three cheers for the Naval Reserve!
Though your iron-cased vessel boasts nothing can harm her,
Yet the luck of a ship's more than half in her crew,
And our sailors are cased in the stoutest of armour,
The love of their country-fond, earnest, and true.
And we know that Jack Tar ne'er from duty will swerve,
So we give just three cheers for the Naval Reserve!
The flag that our fathers have fought for before us
Shall be struck to no newfangled notions and arts,
As it waved above them, it shall still flutter o'er us-
Around it a barrier of gallant men's hearts.
And we know that Jack Tar no'er from duty will swerve,
So we give just three cheers for the Naval Reserve!
Whatever the fleets we're next fated to batter,
We fear not their force-let them come when they may,
'Tis not iron alone will decide in the matter,
'Tis the stuff hearts are made of will settle the day.
And we know that Jack Tar ne'er from duty will swerve,
And we give just three cheers for the Naval Reserve!
Well enough in their way are the notions you mention,
But a truce to this gabble of new modes of War,
All your science and iron can't start an invention
That will fill up the place of one true British Tar.
Oh! we know that Jack Tar ne'er from duty will swerve,
And we give three times three for the Naval Reserve!

NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN.
FEW weeks ago a cut appeared in
our periodical representing a scene
in anl eating-house. A customer
inquires of the waiter if he (tho
S waiter) is the gentleman" of
\ whom o10 (tho customer) ordered
his chop. T'lh waiter, in an ex-
cess of joy and gratitude at tilh
stranger's urbanity, replies, "Yes,
my lord; it will be hip directly,"
although the stranger is palpably
S not a lord. Now therero ar great
m:- any people who, having onol
S- seen themselves in print, iar
utterly nilnalo to keep out of it,
:_- and t113 wiiteir who formed tih
s abject of thio skletrch in question
is evidently one oft heso. Flushed
with Ilis success at having nonuopo-
lized half a page of our remarkable periodical, ie has actually ained
at the insertion of an original article in tho other loading paper, anid
this result he brought about last week through t.l meidiiium of an
advertisement. Horo it i :-
W ATITEIF (TTEAD) or MANAGER in a first-crlias Htnll.-- A gentleanii, whol
has been su\ovn ylurs as manager in one of the I(est IIotel in UBrlin,
wishes for a .: ur..,. Il, in theo seino onlpicity. II! stiaiks EI nglisli,
French, GerinlL .1 inI h..i ,i Best refreOOnoi, nlil security if rieqirod. Very
tall. Age 31. Address, etc.
His reference, we believe, is the nobleman already alluded to. lIo
is, as he states, very tall, having grown several inclles (in his own
estimation) since his appearance in our colurnus.

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 6.
lMRS. IIODGKINSON VISITS THE COLOSSEUM.
DEAn ANNE,-We'vo hald a night of rational enjoyment, and been
to the Colosseum. This placo, as you probably know by tliho anio,
was one of the wonders of tlio world, and it is a wonder it, isnit now.
It's a splendid building, witlli a dooinll that wits origillly inlended for
St. Paul's, but was not big enough. Outiido tllro are a sight of
ruins, which we couldn't see, owing to lteo incremoen stato of t ho
weather. As MARY and 1 had never seen it hlofore, weo naturally
looked forward to it; and hearing thllat it was openly t all hours, wo
went early.
Wo arrived at seven in the evening. In consequence of the great
excitement (so said tlhe cleck-taker) arising from the lecture exposing
spirit-rapping, thousands are, I beliovo, unable to ganin admission,
which probably accounts for the audience on this occiisiol bilng
peculiarly select. We didn't got in timo to see tlio wholo of tlh
diarrhea of the Holy Land, which was accompanied by sacred tunae
on the organ, very delightful to hear, and expllantionls by a geiloenlmnn
who used very beautiful language about the great desert, lth finding of
MosEs in the bulfinches, and SOLOMu~ s's Temple, on whicll head ho
decanted at great length. Wo tilen went to hear a tailor expose
spiritualism; but as we had been to Mil. FAi;s'nls last week, and
seen all the wonders, no tailor that ever lbrealltho coulld take us in.
All he did was a lot of conjuring tricks like those I've seen when the
fair was held in our village. IIo talked a good deal about writing on
"pellets," and showed us that when sonmeody had written on a
paper and folded it up, he, by opening it (which lie did in a corner),
and reading the word, could tell what was written inside. My
husband says that a member of Parliament, a Mil. AI'SL.E I'lL.Tar,
was the inventor of this trick. We then admired the stationery and
other works of art. After paying sixpence, we went ll1u in tle ascend-
ing room (such an invention for lazy servants!) to see Paris by
moonlight. Paris appeared very foggy, andi I think would be all the
better for a little cleaning. But, oil! the Swish Cotlage! A real
waterfall! a cataract! I have it in my eye now. Beautiful! And a
man making glass ornaments, just like the Swish people do, I'm told.
I wonder people can go to Sham Mooney when they have tloe real
Mooney here for one shilling. Then we wandered about in the
stuccotight cabins. Here we met a poor old man, a sort of ermine,
who'd been here for years, and who f ebly directed us to the comic
moneylog. A moneylog is one person ;ho dresses up as somebody
else, and tries to make people laugh, but can't, which is very amusing.
After this, we being very tired, went homn, and nfrir partaking of a
cold collision, went to bed.-Hoping you are wr-ll, I remain your
affectionate sister, 3. A. JIODGKINSON.

ST [APRIL 12, 1862.

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Scene-Zoological Gardens.
Paterfamilias:-" CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE AQUA-VIVARIUM ?"
Member of the Force (after consideration) :--"WELL, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY, SIR; BUT I
EXPECT IT'S T'OTHER SIDE THE HARCHWAY, WHERE MOST OF THEM LARGE IIANIMALS IS."

OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 16.-BY MR. EDM-D Y-TES.
THE Comic Author "-a term, by-the-bye, as much abused in one
sense as the actual, bodily, brain-sick, liver-congested, over-worked
being whom it designates, very often is in another-knows no rest
from the cruel kindness of his would-be facetious friends. They.insist
that he must stand in want of witty and humourous ideas: and there
they are very possibly right. They further insist on endeavouring to
keep him always well supplied with those materials of his handicraft;
and there they are most certainly wrong. I am myself indifferent
ready with the joke which brings the coin which makes the mare to
go; yet I could accuse me of such twaddle and dulness-perpetrated
under the depressing influence of amateur facetiosity-that it were
better my publisher had paid me in draughts on SIR JAMES DUKE his
drinking fountain, over against BUTrERWORTH his shop for books of
law.
There is JACK FEATHERWAITE, a very good man, no doubt, but a
bad punster, and as heavy in the social chair as in the saddle. Why
is he always thrusting on me scraps of recondite pleasantry, which
he desires that I will take an opportunity of submitting to the Editor
of FUN, with the conscientious intimation that he (J. F.) doesn't want
to be paid for his contributions? Old SLOEBIN, too, who takes a
quarter of an hour to express his opinion that the power of uttering
brilliant remarks in the briefest possible phraseology may be con-
sidered the soul of wit, pesters me whenever we meet with oral
suggestions, which he is quite sure that I am more capable of putting
on paper than is he himself; for, though he believes that nature has
endowed him, sir, with considerable jocularity, still he knows the limit
of his capacities, and is not vain enough to set up for a public writer.
The girls are just as bad as the men. LAURA SLOEINI, indeed, is

worse than any two of them, including her excellent papa. Joking
apart-fur it is not her mdtier-LAuRA is a perfect duck. She's all
my fancy painted her, she's lovely, she's divine, but is not formed by
any means in epigram to shine. Like the late MR. LISTON, only
different, she thinks herself just what she is not. That famous come-
dian was morally sure that tragedy ought to have been, if I may so
speak, his "little game." LAURA, in precisely the same way, but in the
exactly opposite direction, feels that she was sent upon earth to con-
vulse the orb in question with laughter. But what shall I say of her
aunt, Miss JANE LOGWOOD F The severity of that awful personage's
ideas on the subject of wit is enough to discourage all our young
authors from dipping pen in ink for the rest of their lives. I have
been told that when Miss LOGWOOD retires with a flat candlestick
from the frivolity of cribbage to the solitude of her sleeping apart-
ment, some couple of hours before retiring to rest, it is to "get on
with her burletta," by which name she insists on calling all dramatic
productions which are in fewer than five acts, and do not involve
death by poison o- steel to any of the characters. Happily, although
Miss LOGWOOD has been getting on with her burletta for a very long
while, she has not got on to the middle of it, and the arduous task is
likely to occupy her for some considerable time to come; so that I
amspared great deal of theinstructive matter with which she is primed
after invoking the Comic Muse, a ceremony usually performed by
Miss LOGWOOD with her hair in papers.
Let me conclude with a hearty wish that FUN may, from the collec-
tive force of all its choice spirits, continue to bear up against the help
showered upon it by well-meaning but mistaken friends.

A CONUNDRUM ny OUR R.A.-Why is MR. FORSTER, of Bryanstone-
street, like spirits of turpentine ?-Because he's a transparent
medium.

A HINT FOR THE METROPOLITAN
BoARD OF WORKS.-It has been decided
to name all the public thoroughfare
from the Bell and Horns, Brompton, to
Stamford Bridge, the Fulham Road.
In consideration of the small accommc-
dation which the remainder of the's
highway, from the Bell and Horns to
Knightsbridge Green, is likely to afford
to visitors to the Exhibition, would it
not be as well to continue the appella-
tion "with a difference ?" Why not
call the portion last referred to, the
Too-Full-ham Road?

APRIL 12, 1862.]

FU N.

First Swell:-"WHY, TOMMY, WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU GOT
ALL THOSE VIOLETS FOR "
Little Swell:-"WELL, YOU SEE, CHARLEY BOLES SAYS IF A
FELLAW'S NOT VEWY HANDSOME IIE OUGHT TO WEAR SOMETHING
REMARKABLE ; SO I WEAR TIESE,'CAUSE WHEN TIE WOMEN LOOK
AT THE FLOWERS THEY WILL LOOK AT THE FELLOW!"

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
The Breezes are about to undergo a serious surgical operation, in
order to ascertain what's in the wind.
The Equinoctial Gals come out this season, on which occasion there
will be a "jolly blow out."
Major Ursa has been turned out of his regiment for being a great
bear.
Ursa the Miner is working a new vein.

KITCHEN GARDEN.
Let your early cucumber and melon beds be well examined in
reading, writing, and the use of the globes. Walk about with a thick
stick all night to keep off the grass.
Small Salading.-Procure the youngest son of a Turk, and place
him in your garden; having previously ascertained that he is the
small Saladin required.
Always treat your cabbage gently; an unkind word may break
its heart.
So7ciqg Cardoons.-Get (with or without permission) all the his-
torical cardoons from the House of Lords, and sow them.

General A..dvice to Garde'ies.--P'lant .ir eipsiceims, and brush
your hatsicumns.
Pulmpki'ns.-Don't let your pumnpkiins ie ,ne;: your gourds. We
know a pumpkin who fell out of his bed and wat; iirid to death. Go
out every evening, and play your pumpkins to sleep with a hurdy-
gourdy.
FLOWER GARDEN.
Meanamemecnt of Grass TWalksand Law sir. -liRl over then frequently
and listen to their mown. Look abouton your grass lor worm-casts;
when found, model them.
Edges and Trimmlings.-Look to your borders. Clean and dress,
them every morning ; charge them so much a
tinction between parlour borders and day borders.

ANSWERS TO GARDENING COli Il'ESONI)ENT1S.
Horti-Dramaticus.-No. SIIAKSPEARI n-ver wrIn n play Cnllhd
Coriander. Tho celebrated actor in lit. Jo(ll.aIso's limo was nol,
called GA.aJCK.
Pod.-Nevor plant toadstools, whether you've lit l.lo room or muh!
room.
A Guardian Angel asks, Is a sausage a vegotabll ? Of course, or
a,mineral.
Soupherb.-What Queen of England was called CATrlEsarlt or
TAIRAGON P Give it up.
A Holly Briar.-"What is a ChamanshoedeIdersin in" Any one
commonly instructed would at once tell you that it is a spoe(inien
of the tribo Arbupyracamedicagoberatlihroitius, or cmunton Anti-
climax Mossrose. It was brought over to EIulamil by Diolnomei
SIcuLus, who flourished it in the ear of' QI EIN El..AZlAir.m, and at
that monarch's deceaso it was found iengrav\en on her heart, in
MESSRS. COLNAGHI'S best style. Since then the Ulitanical Society
have offered a large reward for the discovery of theo olluderr, but
the parcel was not made up when we went to press.
Medlar.-S31AKSPEARE may have been a gardoenr; but your apt
quotation, What hoo! within there! proves nothing.
Daisy.-Ah! well, yes.
Cowslip.-Oh no.
BLuttercup.--Um.

"WE'RE A BAND OF BROTHERS."
IIHElRE is, lVru is delighlcd Io sCo, a
mTHEcONTiMlr. 1 TcOTiiiiTiOi. commcil fI'rIimi for hlit pUrpoSO of
preparing l'h I ho foreign workmnmI
who llar lil,ely to visit England
Ij this year. FI'N holes that tlhe
Britisl worlkii, will come fIrward
to greel, the had of his bIrotlhers
from the or lItii shi(ld (it'l( (Ih cilanlel,
anld iold out to Ihnn, thli honest,
hard hand of labour. It will be
necessary to prnII ]ro Ibr those
visitors t(o he st, l ic' i llnllo(lln ltio at
lthe cheapest tIt( ; WeO Inllist pro-
vide guides und interproters, and
enal)lo them, Ias fill us is possible,
to take back withl tlhein a fiir
notion of Eiiglumil, her rneil, and
S -i her maniuihctures. For this pir-
pose, the British workmen rmlSt
find a helper in the upper classes,
who will therefore oblige FUN by
immediately thrwarding handsome
subscriptions to the committee, of
Which MN. AusTIN LAYAn D is to be
one of the directing spirits.
One of til most notnallo sights
Sof Sixty-two will then be tho
spectacle afforded by the h)and of
-- ----- --- brother-workmen, English, French,
and German, engaged in studying
and profiting by the lessons taught by the Exhibition,-that great
arena of the peaceful strife of nations, originated by the wisdom and
foresight of one, who, alas! does not survive to see it. The greatest
exhibition of Sixty-two will, we hope, be the exhibition of friendly
feeling to the skilful artisans of distant lands by England's aristocracy
-of labour.

REFLECTION BY A WISER (BUT NOT A nETrFIl) MAN.- "Baily'F Turf
Guide should remind us that the Turf may guide is H t the Old Bailey.

~1 TJ ~ [APRIL 12, 1862.

- I- *,,- --. .'cIf

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BEWARE OF THOSE MEDIUMS.
Fond Mamma (to her darling, as she thinks):-" GussY, DEA, THAT IS DE BONBON'S. WHICH WILL YOU HAVE, SOME RAHAT LAKOUfM,
OR PATE DE JUJUBES ?"
Genteel Advertising Medium:-" 0n i! YES; 'OOKEY i" [Fond famman discovers that it is not her dearest GussY.

SONG FOR SOLDIERS;
Ol, THE "MANUAL" SET TO MU8IC,
I.
Air-" On yonder rock reclining."
WHEN to the right inclining,
Oh! bear in mind this excellent plan,-
Keep your right arm in a line if you can,
With the spine of your right hand man,
Your shoulder thus aligning,
You'll find the rest quite easy to do,
Your right foot clearing his left one, you
Will march like a soldier true I
Assemble!
And try this plan, I pray,
But never exclaim in a fretful way,
Diavolo! Diavolo! Diavolo!
I1.
Air-" Oh I believe me if all those endearing young charms."
Oh! believe me that when you were shouldering arms,
From the order" so badly to-day,
You filled my poor sensitive mind with alarms,
For you worked in a slovenly way.
You should cant up the rifle (you'll find it will come),
Your left to your elbow should glide,
Round the trigger-guard place the forefinger and thumb,
And bring your left hand to your side.

A MASTER OF HEARTS.-Master Cupid.

UN-CIVIL SERVICE QUESTIONS.
IN the House of Commons, on the Civil Service Examination'
debate, the following question was cited as having really been put to
a candidate for office:-
"The nightingale's thrill-a carpenter's drill-a soldier's drill-
a negro's wear drill-a horse's nos-tril. What etomological connexion
is there in these terms ? "
These desirable posers may be added to, thus:-
"What connexion is there between MR. PEABODY'S philanthropy
and MESSRS. ANYBODY'S trophy at the International Exhibition? "
"Say, money is the root of all evil. Do those who go abroad gold-
digging find the root of all evil or the route of fortune ? "
"Say, you enjoy high-class music-you enjoy high-class singing-you
enjoy high-class dancing-and in-Gye all your hopes for the Wming
lyric season. If the opera fails, will it be a Gye-gantio failure ?"
"A former attachment-a first-former at Eton-a performer at the
Adelphi-a pro formed method of acting. What connexion in all or
any of these ?"
"' Drury Lane'-' What Will He do with It'-' Great Expectations'
-' A Strange Story'-' SHAKSPEARE '-'No Name'-'Once a Week'
-'All the Year Round'-'The Road to Ruin'-' The Rent Day.'
State the application of these terms or titles."
"The vegetable oils-the mineral oils-'the isles of Greece, where
burning Sappho loved and sung'-the Florence oils-the British
isles-the essential oils got from flowers-and the unessential rept-
iles not got from the python's eggs at the Zoological Gardens-
Scottish isles-Ailsa crag-oil-cakes. State the distinction, connexion,
and difference of all these."

A DEAD WEIGHT.-The repeal of the Income Tax.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, April 12, 1862.

APRIL 19, 1862.] IF 1 N 41
S-____-___

THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT RACE.

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SATURDAY, the 12th of April, 1862, will be a day ever memorable in
the aquatic annals of the sporting world. For the last month the
eyes of Europe have been directed to the glorious spectacle of eighteen
members of our too learned corporations reducing their bodies, impair-
ing their constitutions, and training themselves in the way they
should row; that is, from Putney to Mortlake. A week ago the rival
crews came down to Putney, and at their respective hostelries came
down pretty handsomely. As you may be aware, the course of train-
ing is very strict; they are obliged always to travel by train, always
going by the captain's train of thought, wear long trains when
indoors, and every night at bed-time to drink three pints of train
oil. This a severe course, but English hearts of oak can stand a good
deal. The names of the crews have been incorrectly given, but your
Special reporter (to whom they were secretly confided) is now able to
furnish you with a true list, that will put your ignorant contemporaries
in the shade, and startle the uninitiated:-

The~e gentlemen have, for three months previous to the race, been
regailarly practising in the Peckwater of Christ Church College, and
rowing round the Quadrangle for two hours every morning. Now
as to
CAMBRIDGE.

lean forward, then dash their oars in the water, gradually pulling them
through the stream as they bend backwards, finally bringing them out
without a jerk. The Cambridge is the converse of this ; very pretty,
but not quite so effective. The excitement on the banks and in the
neighbourhood of the river was intense. The gentlemen of the two
crews individually appeared rather nervous, but when altogether they
seemed collected. Partisans sported the light blue or dark blue
rosettes, the insignia respectively of the Cambridge and Oxford U niver-
sities. I (with a view to be in readiness for all emergencies) had pro-
vided myself with one of each, suiting my colour to my company, and
thus preventing any unpleasantness which might otherwise have
arisen. The boats took up their position soon after the appointed
time, and, as usual, the steamers swarmed in their wake. There was
a great run on the bank, and a crowd of people took to their leels on
the towing path. Thanks to your kind foresight, my dear FIN, in pro-
viding me with a new iron-plated vessel for the occasion, manned
by five able-bodied seamen, and two two-thousand-pound guns, I was
not in the slightest degree inconvenienced by the pressure, and from
my cupola was enabled to got an admirable view of the race. Of
course, I was entreated to be the umpire, but for political reasons
refused, yielding, however, to their pressing request so far as to give
the signal for the start. The two-thousand-pound gun was fired,
splash went the oars, and away wont the crows. At first Cambridge
took the lead, but with a gallant spurt Oxford was soon a head, and
maintained that position, until at Oarley Farm (where MR. ANTONY
TROLLOPE lives) their opponents again got in advance. At the Crab
Trees, Oxford overlapped Cambridge, but the steorer of the latter
boat gained ground by taking their water. Then began the struggle.
The Oxford stroke fainted, and the day would have been gained by
their rivals had not the Cambridge crow mutinied. Their steerer,
a mere boy, began eating a biscuit, behaving on this occasion
more like a boy at the gnaw than a reasonable aquatic. I
harangued them from my deck, restored the Oxford captain with some
of my old salts (who, as I said before, were on board with me), and
the contest recommended in real earnest. But, alas! misfortune beset
the Cantabs! An oar snapped off short! My heart bounded within
me! I, an old Trinity man, felt that I could go in for any amount of
Cam-paign! "May I assist them ? shouted I. Ayo! aye!" nobly
responded the Oxford men. Into the water I plunged, two strokes
from my stalwart arms brought me several feet a head of the com-
petitors. With one hand I laid hold of the Cambridge bows, while
with the other I propelled myself swiftly along the flowing tide. It
was an exciting moment! Five more lengths, and the day was ours.
I dashed out my right and tugged with my left. 1t was soon over,
and it is needless for me now to say which was the winner.
There will be a testimonial presented to me next week; will you
kindly open a subscription list at your office, and put yourself
down for five pounds? Adieu!--I remain yours aquatically,
SIB SCULLIao IIARDLBr.

VOL. IL P

42 F TJ N L [APRIL 19, 1862.

THE BOTCHERBY PAPERS.

Polar. is tranqull."-ri d tlian Papers.
On Friday-April for--
The Lords talked many matters o'er;
NoRMANBY made a noise
(One of FUN's "dirty boys"),
And ills Italian did forbode;
SOAPY SAM discussed the Code;
And LORD KINNAIRD did next declare
How we hate the Russian Bear,
For his bloodstained, harsh control
Of the scourged and murdered PIolc.
In tlhe Conmons, DENMAN, too,
The same subject did pursue--
It is well tho brutal Russ
Should hear what he's thought by us.
Then OSBORNE, who has long
Declared coast-fortifying wrong,
Made an excellent motion for
Vessels a la Monitor,
In lieu of forts immense,
Costing double the expense.
PETO seconds Ships instead
Of Forts constructing at Spithead;"
BENTINCK gave his approbation,
But proposed an alteration.
PAB admits that Government must
Approve this measure just,
And so, without more collocation,
Adopt the resolution.
BENTINCK thought it was fit he
Should move for a Committee;
And so the matter ended,
All fort-building is suspended,
And the House will, early in May,
On the matter have more to say.
They next some other bills ran through,
And broke up at half-past two.
On the seventh, the noble Peers
Talked of youthful volunteers,
LoRD STRATHEDEN wishes rules
For enforcing drill at schools;
CLARENDON fancied to make drill
Compulsory would be ill.
In the Commons, DISRAELI rose,
EWART GLADSTONE to oppose,
Found great fault with the now Budget,
And all praises did begrudge it;
With much brilliancy in talking,
Set himself to tomahawking
GLADSTONE, who calmly sate
And heard the Shrew debate,
Then set about the Taming,
When BASS had done declaiming
'Gainst the tax proposed for brewing;
Oh! but Dizzy got a stewing,
A baking, and a roasting,
That soon smashed his splendid boasting.
" Ie vent maxims acrimonious
About estimates erroneous--
The occasions were but two
When he had estimates to do,
And both estimates were out
By four hundred thousand, about!"

BENTINCK next did join the fight,
With bosh and personal spite;
WILLOUGHBY and AiBTON next
Took the Budget for their text;
And honest MK. VANCE-
Who'd opposed our treaty with France-
Confessed its working had
Proved anything but bad;
Poor CECIL drivelled away,
BALL and NORTHCOTE had their say,
But the House contrived, at last,
To get some resolutions past.
Then on the Thames Embankment Bill
SHELLEY tried to throw a chill,
But a second time 'twas read,
And long ere one the members fled.
On TuesdEay-April eight-
There was little to relate;
The House of Lords engaged was in its
Business twenty minutes.
In the Commons, Mi. WHALLEY
(Who's no "wally") made a sally
Against that seat of knowledge,
Which is known as Maynooth College.
FREELAND some remarks advances
About Ottoman Finances.
And then PAa told his boys,
Who made a joyful noise,
They should make holiday and high day,
If they were good, on Friday;
But if bad, they'd go not one day
More early than the Monday.
Taopings, and Measures and Weights,
Next gave rise to brief debates;
And, lastly, COLONEL DICKSON
Hoped the House a Bill would fix on
For Draining Irish Land,
Which the House did not withstand.
And all this they did contrive
To get through at "five past five."
On WTednesday-April nine--
The Commons did some hours assign
To the Bill for the Relief
Of the Dissenting Clergy's grief;
BOUVERIE did the instance take
Of a man, for conscience sake,
Who from the Church his exit made,
But might do no work or trade.
HEATHCOTE approved the Bill,
MILNES thought the framing ill
And its action too confined,
And by no means to his mind.
STANLEY thought the measure good;
WALTER half uncertain stood;
HUBBARD did the scheme oppose,
'Gainst it NEWDEGATE did prose-
He's sure to object to a thing
That will freedom of conscience bring.
The Metropolis Management Act,
Did attention next exact;
And the House's work, before
Six had struck, was done and o'er.
Thursday-Aprtil ten-the Lords
Spent on several matters words;
Lord NosnANBr, of course,
Used againstt Italy his force;
But the chief time was bestowed
On the Education Code.
The Commons turned their minds
To Iron Ships of various kinds.
And SHERIDAN- drew attention
To AERrSTRONG'S last invention-
The three-hundred-pounder gun,
And the damage it had done.
Then WILLOUGHBY told his fears
Of our deficit of two years.
BAss tried a scheme for doing
Away with licences on brewing;
GLADSTONE vented some pooh-poohing.
They Ways and Means then did proceed to,
And resolutions many agreed to.

i

The Building of Courts of Justice
By two majority out thrust is;
Though quite doubtful this decision
Until a second division;
The Opposition loudly greet
A Government defeat.
Ere half-past one was turned
The Commons had adjourned.

PAN AT THE PLAY.
HrsTRIONIC genius is sufficiently rare now-a-
days to justify us in according to its pheno-
menal apparition a cordial greeting. It is
true that good acting is daily becoming less
necessary in this age of sensation- dramas.
Any fool can take a header from the top of a
stool on to a mattress, and it is scarcely worth
while to waste a GARRICK upon the performance
of a part the main feature of which consists
in a leap from a crag into a quarry, by the
aid of a pliant sapling. But this state of
things will work its own cure. The public
palate, titillated by these strong emotions,
will crave after more highly-spiced fare, and
unless we go to the length of cutting throats
and blowing out brains in sober earnest on
the stage, the creation of a new sensation
drama, likely to be popular, will soon become
an impossibility. In order that we may be
provided for such an eventuality, it is
just as well that we should keep a stock of
good artists on hand to be used when the
occasion presents itself, and the triumph
which Miss KATE TERRY has achieved by her
performance of the part of Mrs. Union in
Friends or Foes, at the St. James's, is there-
fore fairly a ground for self-congratulation.
Nothing could have been more delightful than
her impersonation; it was equally admirable
in the pathetic and impassioned phases of
the character, and was throughout pervaded
bya charming air of well-bred repose. I have
heard it whispered that. Miss HERBERT, in
her double capacity of artist and directress,
has bestowed upon Miss KATE TERRY an
elegant gift, as at once a mark of appreciation
of her genius, and a token of gratitude for the
solid service which she has done the theatre by
preventing the injurywhich must have resulted
to the receipts from the absence of an
efficient representative of the heroine of the
new comedy. I do not vouph for the truth
of the rumour, -but this is so exactly what
MIss HERUERT should have done, that I am
quite ready to believe it. That she should
feel jealous at the success of a rival,.and give
vent to such a sentiment by any overt act, is
a supposition too monstrous to be for a
moment entertained.
What is a Play ? bids fair to become before
long as puzzling a question as "What is a
Pound?" For example, in the new enter-
tainment, the Family Legend, by MR. and
MaR. GERMAN REED and MR. JOHN PARIY,
we have scenery, costumes, a plot, dialogue,
situations, and thirteen characters. Nothing
more could be found in a comedy at the
Haymarket, yet there are hundreds of extra
good folks who will flock to witness the one,
but would deem it a mortal sin to go and see
the other. The only rational conclusion we
can form is, that consciences which ale
tender are likewise elastic. The entertain-
ment is, on the whole, a good one, though it
would be all the better for a little reconstruc-
tion, and the impersonation of an old French
nurse by MRS. GERMAN REED, and of a moon-
struck poet by Mn. JOHN PARRY, are among
the best pieces of acting I have ever seen.

Arru. 19, 1862.]

COMPLIMENTARY.
Recipient of Sixpence:-"VELL, NOW, HERE'S A PRETTY GO!
I HAINT GOT NO CHANGE AlOUT M1E. BUT P'IAI'S YOU'LL PER-MIT
IE TO IIOWE IT TOU, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR FAMILY LIKENESS."

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
WE hear that during the present month there are to be several impor-
tant changes in the weather; further particulars not known at
present.
Soirees will be held at the North Pole next week, when visitors will be
received with freezing polar-liteness.
A Sky Rocket has been employed to take care of the Cradle of the
Winds.

I APRIL.
13 5 At St. Domingo's-Sermon and collection in aid of the
Home for the Holidays."
14 M1I Day for trying tempers.
15 Tu Schoolmasters' Festival. Recital of LORD BYnoN's
Cane."
16 W The event of the week-FUN appears.
17 Tn Revival of Ancient Pastimes-Stoning a plum.
18 F Dance of Auctioneers in Hyde Park. The band of the
Mor-bid Society will attend.
190 Volunteer Review in Doctors' Commons,

FLOWER GARDEN.
Cut your stick and darn your holes. Remove your master's choice
fruit trees to your own garden; this will be a regular plant. Don't
waste your time in taming wild flowers. Add sugar to Sweet William,
and stir gently. If your Indian corn begins to shoot, soften with hot
water, and cut it.
KITCHEN GARDEN.
Young potatoes may be now taught to advance and retire grace-
fully.
Divide your day horticulturally thus: dig anywhere from 4 a.m.

F

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF FUNSY AND ENTERTAINING KN(oTw.lEG.
ARCTIC means properly lying
AN near the" Bear," which of course
is alwnay suL'rgestive of the pol'.
S' The oppo;:ito ircle is called A'nl-
,. arctic t'r a vry obvious resol,.
T __' f \ The principal pir.dulion ol f O(h
S-- Arctic O(an is the whal', anid
S~ ithongh the nor[Ih-west, Mpassi'g
\ his iboon discoiiver'd, it is int,
I" X ,I thounrht likely for anything hutl, a
/ whalelr to beo fiund a-whI:ler-ll.
AtollNii:3NT.-Y lounny take any
n-amonut of( ih st r(ogelst, i'gIiimelnt
as long Ia it agrees with you, but,
i J' whenn it hegiin tlo distirl1 your
yte,. s mnl y"u had bettor leavo oill.
If' you ell 1i lan a ill y'" ll r holso
who has no right to IO therer,
Small hIis rcn:'oninn will lio usless,
7 as ihe is ari'ling on 111e wrong
promises. 1f his roaFdllln Pannotl
be satisfactorily explained, tle
argument generally leads to his conviction.
Anar.-A force raised in defence of the liberty of one country which
has often been used to destroy the liberty of another. A standing army
is so called because the sum that it costs in general is more than can
be easily set down.
ART is applied in many ways to the fulfilment of many conditions
which, like many of our acquainianies we know by sight, Ithoulgh we
cannot tell them by name. ligh art is the paiting of picture i bovo
the every-day standard; low art is t' lm pIinlting a inuiackerel p11n 1tli
every-day flag. The one is expclcted to be rcwinrdedi in the great
future, the other in the little present. In the fine arts., tlio fiiint tasto
is requisite both to produen and to enjoy; and if an lmrist wants to im-
prove his taste, ho had better begin at once by going into his room and
cleaning" his palotto.
AlTni'lla, king or a tribe of ancient Britons who lived in the begin-
ning of the sixth century, and who appeurs, according to thei cIllui.oll ofl
that period, to have dyod towards the clothes. Ilo established the
noblo orlor olcKnights of the RHound Tililc, so that there might ie no
end to tleir social dinners, and no dispuito about Ipasing a jovial
knight. The king was the idol of his country, and T''ENNYSON hlas
made his country as much delighted with the "Idylls of the King."
ASTRONOMY is tho most ancient of all the sciences, and even the
very earliest star-gazer, who was always looking up at the sky, is said
to have dated a weak back from the period of that observation. Tho
axis and the equator divide the colrst ial globo, like the rent of a house,
into four quarters, but the result will always depend upon what axis
you may have. There are also meridians indicated by lines, and
these, when they are indicated by letters, are put ftr delivery info
the post meridians. Every known placo has its latitude, but in the
domestic sphero the latitndo taken by a servant is sometimes beyond
her place, and notwithstanding the severest observations, you can
scarcely calculate to what degree it will go. All masses of matter
attract each other, but there are some volumes which contain a mass
ofamatter that are not attractive, and therefore we may consider
what they contain no matter. The law of gravity causes all volumes
of matter to be drawn downwards, so that when a reader meets
with a volume of poetry and he loses his gravity, lh will not find
himself attracted by it Tupper-wards. The apparent position of
every star is affected by refraction, but when a star is very refractory,
it generally loses its position altogether.

until 9 a.m. Fl'ill up the t roches so niade from i9 a.m. unil 2 p.m. 1
Then think what will b te the next host thing to do. If yi, eIn'it lit
upon anything original, dig again munil lbed-tinm, and (tilh lit' down
with the lark. This is a cape'al pinh, as this bird is Smac to get up
early, and thus you will bo able to rise with him. collect -
Early to bed and early to riso
Makes a man open and shut his eyes

F UT N.

\\\, K'" -K.

A.r=EE=ABTL=

SOCIETY

Tall Sell -"DID YOU EVER REMARK, Miss DOT, HOW THOSE FUNNY LITTLE MEN ALWAYS SELECT THE FINEST WOMEN IN THE ROOM?"
Dirninutivo Visa.-vis (at same ti me):-"- WHAT A PITY IT IS THOSE GREAT AWKWARD GIANTS ALWAYS CHOOSE SUCH MITES OF
PARTNERS!"
Ol Party:-"An! CAPITAL SET! WE MATCH EACH OTHER LIKE PEAS IN A POD!"

A SPIRITUALIST ALPHABET.
A 's an American-FORSTER by name ;
B stands for Byranstone-street, whither he came;
C 's the Credulity that gives him his fling;
D is the Diamond he wears in a ring;
E 's the Effrontery, of which he's possessed;
F 's Fashion and Folly, by which he's caressed;
G is the Guinea you pay to be cheated;
II is the Humbug to which you are treated;
I 's the Impostor no sane man deceiving;
J 's the Jackass, who joys in believing;
K is the Kicking we'd give to him gaily;
L is the Lie, that the rogue's living daily;
M is the Money he filches from fools;
N are the Ninnies he uses for tools;
O is Orthography-that he's not versed in;
P is the Pick-Pocket Place he was nursed in;
Q stands for Quack-which for him the right term is;
R 's the Red name on his arm's epidermis;
S is the Scratching by which it's effected;
T is the Trick that will soon be detected;
U is the Urgent demand of his pocket;
V are the Victims, whose duping must stock it;
W 's for Whipping, he's earned by his fraud;
X for Ten Years' Penal Service abroad;
Y 's Yellow, which all Norfolk Island men wear;
Z is the Zest with which we'd send him there!

TIE SILVER CORD.-Concord.

IMPORTANT TO ANTIQUARIES.
THE editor of the Morning Advertiser forwards us the following lines,
supposed to be a prediction of MERLIN'S, discovered in a vault in the
church of St. Martin's-in-the-Fields. It was sent him by a correspondent
at Sevenhoax; but, as he justly observes, so many similar discoveries of
antiquities have been sent to him for fun," that he thinks we had
better see it:-
"MSjan foitrr Igonnes rotbrj in pe rent salt square,
Snb pt fountinges tlronbe blater six fatem in ape,
anb one statein baortt estings is fixen tptgre,
Joa ge unbe of pe botlbe, ts rtbe g, prepare!"

A BASE INACTION.
THE base of the NELSON Column remains bare of lions. SIR EDwIN
LANDSEER is still loitering in the Enchanted Garden of the Zoological
Society, "studying the lions" like a foreign tourist. The delay is
surely as unfitting as the coats his tailors supplied him with. If nine
tailors are required to make a man, it does not take either so many
men or so many years to make a lion. If, however, the knight and
R.A. is afraid of having his beasts returned, like bad garments, to be
altered, he might put up four plaster models, and try the effect. By
so doing he would give us what tramps call "a cast" on the way, to
the completion of what should be a national monument, but is really a
national disgrace as it stands.

THE MOST POPULAR SPIRIT MEDIUM.-The publican.
THE REAL BAND OF HOPE.-A life-belt.

tL, ~.'T~,2~7.-~~~~;i:
C-

~L~- -~- ~l~~-----e--T_~=~Eri~ii~ _~=--F~

* u-i

CONSERVATIVE REACTION.

DIZZY (quietly to himself):- "HANG ME! IF I CAN MAKE ANY IMPRESSION ON HIM!"

F UT -U 1,T.-APRIL 1), 1862.

---~se ~b-- ---------

FU NTa.

.. .

C>i

Never mind how SMTITr (that very London Scottisl Volunteer)
got into the middle of this prickdy furze common : the rea question
is, Hoto the dickins is he to get out of it ?

OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
BY MR. R-L---H W---o EM-ns-N.
EvrRY truth includes every other truth. We mar the serener har-
monies of nature by pedantic discrimination. Size is our bugbear,
and beauty of proportion the will-o'-the-wisp, the Fata Morgana, the
fair Lindabridis, that leads us astray. Shall I worship an elephant
because he is bigger than I ? So is a haystack; yet a haystack is but
Bulk,-myself, an intelligent spirit. When the mariner feared to put'
to sea, since the winds blew high, the queller oe the Gauls re-assured
him with Caesarem vehis." Herein is a regal nobility of diction,
and CgEsAR's fortunes shown to be superior to a storm. I will not
blush before CA.SAR; he was human, and I am no less. Come out
from those old-world fallacies of weight, of size, of colour, of creed.
There is no great and no little. I have seen the solar system to be
tawdry, and I have marked an apocalypse in the tail of a tadpole. Has
not the wise BLAISE PASCAL told us that the destiny of Europe was
changed by that grain of sand which hastened the death of CROMWELL ?
He saith that the face of the world would have altered had CLEOPATRA'S
nose been but a snub. There is infinite mystery to be pulled out
with a periwinkle; and nature-the wise housewife-buries often her
treasure beneath an ash-lieap near the fire.
'Tis the same slavish bt of o ur souls makes us regard our modern
history as mean. Tho older heroes, they tell me, played upon a
grander scene, and under influences more sacred. Yet M'CLELLAN
has the four winds of heaven blowing round him, no less authentically
than of old round NIMnOD, MAccAIlnUS, XERXES, GENERAL WADE.
The same stars shine on his tent near the Potomac that glittered on
the tent of ALEXANDER ere he crossed the Gyranicus.
I will not be fooled by phrases, nor suffer myself to be hood-winked
by repetition of antique precedent. I will not bow before I OMEsE for
his epos; I am myself a possible PELiDES; nor shall the NIIIELUNGEN
LIED daunt the soul of a man who may have in him the germ of a
contingent NON TRONEG HAGEN and of a nobler fiddling VoLKEa.
Ingenuas didicisse fideliter artes. The brave ANTr.us, the brave
SAYERs, the brave, unconquerable HEENAN, struck to earth, gained

strength with each fall they had, and came smilingly up to time. 1
will do no less.
Every craftsman to his craft. The tools to him that can handle
them:" 'tis the proclamation of thofuture's chiof bye-law. 1 consent
not that ASTLEY COOPER shall build Thlmes Tunnel, or hlRUNEL
extract my raging tooth. Electric influences-of earth and air and
the subtle gas-move me to write for FUN. To-morrow morning may
bring with it to one a headache, to another a, reputation. "I woko
one morning," said the English Britos, "and found myself famous."
Some day there shall a poet arise who shall sing what the pine-trees
mean, and give us intimations of the sumach's wants. For the far
future, each plain American citizen shall be lord of the cosmic All.
Ere my prophecy becomes a fact, I will contribute to various
periodicals. Of their number, not one has the amplitude or the
serenity of FUN. Generousas the sun, it brings its impartialmessago
to statesman, to poet, to cabman, to wheelwright, to the lighter of
lamps, to the digger of graves. Is one of these higher than any
other ? Measured by OLMIPus, no! Listen to the Orphio rune:-
Body of man is grander far
Than cataracts or sunsets are.
Orion's bolt is pale and thin,
To hairs that sprout from PLAT1o's chin;
And feebler power had WAn.rue's rose,
Than the rough wart on C Rto.NWEL.'s nose.
Put wit of man i the body's place-
Niagara lags behind i' the race!
Cradled by storms, by thunders nurst,
Formed to endure and dare the worst,
Grander in his intelligence
Than mountains in magnificence.
Lo! this is he, the voluble preacher,
Lo this is he, the mystic teaclhr,
Who sends, to cheer a distant isle,
The radiation of a smilo,
Deeper in meaning and in might
.Than all the stars that thrill the night!
.And, graciously itself adorning,
.Liko Venus rising from the sea,
SFuN will contain, on Wednesday morning,
A contribution signed by Me!
Peace! The mystic charm is done!
Peace! Tho magio sands have run!
Peace! Tho loadedidico have wont
Peaco! The fated thread is spun!
iTheowaves that on Nantucket break,
Aro but of grander waves a presago:-
Who can his soul's impatience slake
With RUssELL'S notes or LINCOLN's message P
Stand, oh! cynic, out of the sun!
The prize for essayists is won for FUN I
NOTE.-Our contributor's rejoicings are premature.

HERE'S A CHANCE!
To anybody of a grave turn of mind and employment tho following
advertisement opens a fine field of speculation as well as cemetery
mould:-
O UNDERTAKERS.-To be Sold, n sn,_r Ilusiness. Situation first-rate.
Coming in, including stock, Lec.
Now, here is an opportunity for an enterprising carpenter to under-
take to make a forituno in no time; and piinitllaneouHly Ily out his
friends and capital to advantage. The choice, jaunty expression,
"snug" business; no doubt suggested by tle sug, cosy, compact,
feeling one has of lying shrouded, capped, nnl pillowed in a collin.
And the situation, "first rate! Ina! that genial suburb miay be easily
guessed. Oh! for a family residence in that first-rateo locality.

AN OVERSIGHT.
Two little re-adjustments of duty did not occur to tlie mind of the
CHANCELLOR OF 'THE EXCIIEQUER il his reeCnt financial budget-
the decrease of tle duty imposed on post-oflico letter-carriers, and
an increase of duty on policemen in sorno of the western districts.
The post-office letter-carriers are an instance of the anomaly of somno
maxims in political economy, decreases of duty increase con-
sumption;" now the medical opinions show the inverse ratio in the
case of letter-carriers, as many a bereaved family can testify. Again,
the small duty imposed on tie west-end police proves incontestably
the increased consumption-of the contents of aristocratic pantries.

THE LION OF TRAFALGAR QUARTER,
No, no! his friends are not yet dead,
They rise with noble wrath about them;
They tell how NELSON'S blood was shed;
And ministers-Lord! how they flout
them!
Look up-he's there-you can't see ?-try-
You see the rope ?-none e'er coiled tauter,
He's by-
The hero of one arm-one eye-
The lion of Trafalgar quarter.
The students march by as of yore,
The workmen gather, close and solemn,
They nail a hoarding round before-
Oh, no!-not round the NELSON Column.
The taps, and pipes, and all those things,
Are only for the tubs of water-
The springs
That gracefully cold water flings
On the lion of Trafalgar quarter.
The fountains, statues, granite posts,
Art Gallery, paintings, chiselled marble-
Treasures a noble nation boasts,
In combinative classic garble;
His column heads the group complete,
And, flanked by statues plump and shorter,
But neat,
He leads them as he led a fleet--
The lion of Trafalgar quarter.
Oh, Government! methinks the siller"
For fiddle-faddling fountain basin,
Were better laid upon his pillar,
To place the lions four its base on.
When the Great Exhibition day
Brings neighbours from across the water,
They'll say,
You treat him in a shabby way-
The lion of Trafalgar quarter.
And thou, great L-- hast thou shaped
Not yet an ornamental lion ?
Well, see! a model, newly scraped,
Close by, Northumb'land House top high
on;
Try that if Regent's Park should fail,
But prithee cut a little shorter
Its tail,
And let the world still jeer and rail
At the lion of Trafalgar quarter.

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 7.
A VISIT TO THE POLYTECHNIC.
DEAR ANNE,-As my wish, for MARI's sake more than my own, is to
confine amusement with destruction, therefore I take every occasion,
which appears most suspicious (as they say at weddings), of going to
those places where the eye is gratified and the head improved. In
order to carry out this idea, we took a cab to the Polly Thickneck, but
why it is so called I can't understand. You pay a shilling to go in,
and with one step you aro in the middle of machinations, all whirling
and twirling at such a rate that it gave me quite a turn. There is a
refreshment room in the establishment, but each wheel (and there are
about a hundred of them) is such a dinner in itself that nothing else
can be wanted. Well, as soon as we could hear ourselves speak, we
remarked, "What a surrounding place!" which it is. First, we
walked up to some brass nobs, which I was told were distantly con-
nected with a volcanic battery. We touched them and were shocked.
Then we saw lots of reels of cotton twisting about, the machinery
being worked by young women, who, I suppose, are the spinning
jennies, of whom we have all heard. This sort of malefactoring brings
in a great deal of money to the Manchester cotton lords, but which
my husband says is only personal and not reel property; but as I re-
marked, that's an extinction without a deference. There is plenty of
water up and down the sides of this place, on which are sailing little
muddles of ships, boys, drafts, boat-tillers, and float-tillers, while in
cases at the side, in case they're wanted, are compliments of angry-
culture, which belong to land-tillers; in fact, there's no tilling what

there was till I see you. That reminds me: pray give my love
to dear cousin TILLY; don't forget. Well, then we saw a divine
making himself decent under water, and blowing up the Royal Gorge.
MARY wanted me to venture into the bell, but that wouldn't go
down with me. We went to the lecture-room, and heard a gentleman
talk upon comical experiments. He showed us how to pour nothing
from one jar into another, and then said that the notion of a person
being destroyed by "instantaneous fustian" (I think that was the
term), was quite an exploded idea. He then gave us several reports,
and, with a great deal of banging and cracking, the entertainment
went off very well. We then went to see the resolving views, which
were all very pretty and very nice, but we had such headaches that,
as we couldn't stand it, Mr. H. stood a cab home. We are looking
forward with real variety to the volunteer meeting at Brighton on
Easter Monday. Good bye!-Your affectionate sister,
MARY ANNE HODOKINSON.

SPINSTERS AND THEIR IDOLS.
ABOUT this long-haired dog, young ladies, why
Make such a dreadful hubbub and a rout ?
Why for one little brute runs strife so high,
When lots of whiskered puppies are about ?

A WARNING TO SPENDTHRIrrs.-A man may outrun the constable
for years; but the constable is sure to overtake him at last.

SONG FOR THE THRONG.

OR, VERSIFICATION FOR THE NATION.

No. XV.-A DIVORCE COURT ROMANCE.

"MY Lord the Marquis is rather old,
S And rather ugly-if truth be told,
But then he's a title and plenty of gold,
Dotation expiates dotage.
Ifhe's old, an old family too ho can boast,
And it's better with lords to rule the roast,
Than lack bread with love in a cottage."

So Miss TOMKI[NS for husband a marquis will have,
With one of his noble feet in the grave,
"Sans hair, sans tooth,"
Sans all things, in truth,
Save a title, and gold in his pocket.
Alas! for a pair, that's so ill-paired-
Alas! for the fair, that's so ill-fared-
Alas! when for wedding-torch is flared
A wick burnt down in the socket!

Alas! for the courtship that buys a heart,
The court that is nothing more than a mart,
Where young lives barter with old ones.
Of all the ties between woman and man,
That e'er were devised since the world began,
The very worst,
That this world have curst,
And the very weakest are gold ones.

And when girls and dotards for money are wed,
As sure as the heavens that bend o'erhead,
S There'll be sorrow and sin and suffering bred!
For the poet of England says well-
"Youth and crabbed age can never assort,"
Where courting the first was a bargain, in short,
The second courting will be in the court
That is held by SIR CRESSWELL CRESSWELL.

Better the wedded who walk to kirk
And back again to that daily work
Which Necessity will not let them shirk-
Ay! better a pauper's union;
Than the bridal where three right reverends assist
To shackle two criminals wrist to wrist,
Whose hearts are in no communion.

01h! lads and lasses, who fain would wed,
By the Times' twaddle be not misled,
That three hundred a year is the least to be said,
But bast your fortunes together,
" For better for worse, for rich for poor,"
A trouble that's shared makes love more sure,
And your wedded affection will safo enduro
Through sunny and showery weather!

LETTERS FROM A YOUNG MARRIED LADY.
No. III.-ABOUT THE ABSURD ARGUMENTS A BARRISTER WILL
USE IN DEFENDING A HOPELESS CASE.
EAR MR. EeTrroi,-Do you like to
see a lady's dress hanging closo
to her, and not reaching the
ground by two or three inches P or
do you prefer to see it sweep
gracefully after its wearer, in the
manner of a royal train ? I put
this question to you cifhout coni-
m Qent, becnuso I want tho candid
opinion of an unprejudiced man
oil a very illllort)nlt point. Yon
are a man of taste; you havo
travelled; and you therefore prefer
the latter. So do I; and so, of
course, does not EDWIN. Like
.- all barristers, lie is always ready
to embrace an undefended opinion,
,_ without regard to the justice or the
co lmmson sensor of the question;
and in this case, he is "for" short dresses because I am against
them. You musn't suppose for one moment that EDWIN defends that
view of the case because he really prefers to see his wife dressed
more like a London milkmaid than a respectable lady moving in
good society. To do him justice, no husband can be more pleased
than TEDSICUMS is when his wife looks nice and French. I don't
know that anything would annoy him (or surprise him) more than if
I were, just for once, to do as lie asked me, and appear in a short dress
like a chit of fourteen. But lie knows well enough that I'm not such
a goose as to give in, and that he is quite safe in insisting on what he
never will got, and what he never wants to got. I don't object lo hli:
sharpening his wits on witness-people provided for the purpose, but 1
do most decidedly object to his employing his wife in that capacity,
and when I toll him so, he puts on a tenor expression of countenance,
and asks me if I am not fondly his heono Andl olI it is so nggravat-
ing when he meots a really sensible and logical remark with a stupid
senseless joke from the last number of your .idiculous publication.*
I don't know what you would think, Mr. Editor, of a man who
almost trod a lady's dress off her back and never apologizetl for doing so.
You will scarcely believe me when I tell you, but IlinviN positively
declares that he never will apologize to a lady for treading on her dress,
because he says that ladies have no right to monopolize more ground
than they stand upon. There, it does so annoy me when I think of ill
the nonsense that ho talks about raising the dust, and sweeping thl
streets, that I really have no words to express my indignation. I do
wish to goodness gracious that le would stick to his courts of Com-
monPrius's and his Chancery suits at the Old Bailey, and lot, interfere
with what he never did and never will and never cnn understand.-
Believe me to be, sincerely yours, ANGELINA BaOWN.
Kensington Palace Gardens.

Howe, DO you LIKE THIS?-In the new play, the life'ss Portrait,
recently produced at the Haymarket Theatre, Ml 11. HIOWE--not ihan(
-OWE-sustains the part of "a classical tutor anl man of letters."
We consider that Mil. HOWi is most eminently fitted for Ihe ho r. W,
may, in fact, say that he appears to have been bred for it intasrLnch
as he has, for so many years past, been "a man of noto" in ti:.
theatrical profession!
HI! II HI !-Why are any of BATTY'S horses loe. likely to win ;,i
Derby than any others ?-Because they inove with the pace o' talig
horses.

Mns. Baowr is in error. Nothing so had as her husband's joke ever appear
in the columns of Fux.-En.

Aum. I"I 1., lq2. I 1T 49

[APRIL 19, 1862.

A ..

- I .-- 0

C.;

WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, ETC.

?oy :-" Lon, FEATHER, THE DOCTOR'S BEEN AND PUT A MUZZLE ON THE NEW CURATE TO KEEP HIM FROM KISSING HIS DORTER!"

"THE PATH OF DUTY."
BEING A SAD LAMENT PROM A CERTAIN WELL-KNOWN LOCALITY.
Air-" The young man from the country."
LIST all ye South Belgravian swells, of great and small renown,
Nor pout ye fair inhabitants of New Tyburnia's town,
A mournful talo 'tis mine to tell, and worth your sympathy-
I'm a small pieco of the country, yet they must drive over me.
Time was when I was fresh and fair in all my solitude,
A change came and a favoured few upon me dared intrude,
But now at all my rights they scoff, and not content they'll be,
Till young men from the country are allowed to drive o'er me.
My trees are green, my grass is smooth, my walks are clean and
neat,
My seats are far removed from crowds who throng the busy street;
But now, alas tha noisy mob must spoil seat, grass, anc tree,
For young men from the country soon will come and drive, o'er me.
No more the busy flies may hum, and flit my shade about,
Another sort of" flies" will come, in dusty, sightless rout;
And busses," but not like the ones which I was wont to see,
With young men from the country filled, will come and drive o'er me.
Mothought that London streets ere this, had taken enough room,
And that one single spot might rest where nature yet could bloom;
But whore is now the city man, or haggard clerk to flee,
Since young men from the country must come driving over me ?
Long time I doubted in my mind if they to do it would,
For being such a simple thing I thought they never could,
And for a moment I indulged a hope replete with glee,
That no young man from the country would e'er drive over me.

Alas! 'tis gone, and now, ere this, invaders have I seen,
They say they've come to do for me, I was so "jolly green;"
Then for one who is much "cut up," I claim your sympathy-
I'm a small piece of the country, yet they must drive over me.

A TOSS UP.
SIa ARCHIBALD ALISON has decided a difficult point of precedence in
the Sheriff's Court at Edinburgh, by appeal to the Ordeal of Chuck-
halfpenny. We cannot say whether his judicial decisions are arrived
at in this way, but in his History" we can trace the influence of this
mode of determining a question. Curiously enough, too, we can
observe the relative frequency of the obverse and reverse of the coin
employed in this task (shall we call it the medal of history?); for
whereas there is in the work in question little evidence of the head,
there is an innumerable quantity of tales.

DOUBLE XCESS op ENTHUSIASM.-The volunteer movement has
reached the taverns and public-houses. In many windows bills
exhibit calling on "spirited young men" to enrol themselves in a
volunteer band,-"rules and regulations to be obtained at the bar,"
etc. This, however, is nothing new; where is a public-house without
a working-man's score (corps)? (Oh!)

Price One Penny,
THE TITLE, PREFACE, and INDEX to the FIRST
VOLUMUE of FUN, beautifully Designed and Engraved, forming an Extra Number.

Now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price 4s. Od.,
THE FIRST VOLUME of FUN; Containing nearly
Three Hundred Comic Engravings by celebrated Artists, and Humourous Articles by the
most Popular Writers.
LONDON: 80, FLEET STREET.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, April 19, 1865.

0 F N.

APRIL 26, 1862.]

F TJT N

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 8.

MRS. HODGKINSON AT THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW ON EASTER MONDAY.

EAR ANNE,-A grand day was Easter
Monday last, I can tell you. Such a
bustle (I'm not eluding to dress) you
S never did see. The Volatile Review,
which has been on the tabbies for
Some months past, was held at
I/ Brighton with all the pump of war.
We sent a note down to order rooms
on the cleff, not far from the Mandarin
Parade, and on Saturday arrived at
this fashionable watering-place, and
visited the Royal Pillion, the peer built by members of the
House of Lords, and the bathing machinery on the hollow beech,"
as the poet says. Oh! ANNE, how I love the sea-side, though which
side I don't quite know; it's so sweet to see a number of pebbles
enjoying themselves on the sands.
Well, it isn't of the sea that I'm to write. No, grand as is our
navvy, yet at present it is our army that I've got in hand.
All the Volatiles were down here; some came by train, some by
themselves; some marched with their gallant corpses from London;
while others took specious tickets for two days, and arrived on Sunday
night. Crowds of carriages drove on to the downs. I must tell you,
though you wouldn't think it from the name, that it's all up with the
Downs.
We took a fly, a beautiful chay,-MARY calls it a chay Dover,"
which was improper, considering we were at Brighton,-and got a
very good suspicion in full view of everything. The men in their dif-
ferent unicorns presented a very reposing spectacle. The Generals of
Division (though whether it was compound division or not I don't
know) rode here and there, ordering and counter-ordering one
another as quick as possible. I think they must have been com-
manding a simple division, that couldn't understand what was being
said. ,
The Agitated General galloped up to a large body of men and
shouted. On hearing this, the Volatiles began defiling, and at the
sound of a bugle (which was blown by a man covered with spangles),
they employed themselves in a line (I am using military terms), and
having loaded their guns prepared to deceive a charge. Just at this
moment the Commandering Chief came gambling up on his splendid
bolfry, and as if by a-disconcerted signet, there rolled over the ground
a cloud of smoke, and immediately afterwards the thunders of the
far-off distillery made, as the poets say, the wilkins ring again."
Then as the smoke cleared off, the cavilry dashed down upon the
effrontery, who didn't rise to receive them, as Is always done, I'm
told in civil war, but tried to catch them in their barenets. The

horsemen went off in another direction, and the effrontery, by way of
discharging their duty, fired their guns. What they shot at I can't
tell; but as the mortal SHAKSPEARE (who wasn't in a rage at all
times) sings or says, What's in an aim ? I forget his answer to
it, but I think it was "nothing," which is, to say the least of it,
satisfactory. I then watched a small party of men who went out
towards a haystack to pick it; this, my husband said, was a good
specimen of haystacktics, which is a great art in war. When those
had retired, there came a scrimmaging party, led by an officer who
looked as bold as JONES or ARK. Talking of that young lady, I
wonder why the Volatiles are not attended, like the French, by vivid
dears, who, as you may know, are young women dressed as menn (Io
which I have an inexpressible objection), who look after the provisions
and the canting apartment. Well, the grand movement of the
day now took place. The cavilry scoured the plains, having perpetual
brushes with an unseen enemy; then they took their letters to an
advanced post, charged one another, shouted, fired their guns, and
having loaded themselves with glory, were lot off doing any more for
that day.
This is the way to train up our young men. These Volatiles don't
mind marching out in fine or rainy weather, quite manured to all
hardships.
There were musical bands playing near us several partial airs, and
only one, a fife, played out of tune; but such was their obedience that,
on the leader saying, Fife, for shame the boy instantly altered his
tone. Good-bye, dear ANNE.-I remain, your affectionate sister,
MARY ANNE HODOKINSON.

ALL FOR LovE."-We are glad to see so many coming forward to
aid our old friend LOVE, the Polyphonist. Among other things we
observe that there has been a performance at the Royalty Theatre,
Soho, which, being to assist LovE, was appropriately given by
amateurs, whoso acting was so good, however, and so free from rant,
that they did not out-herod Miss HERAUD, who kindly gave her
services to this labour of love."
NOTHING NEW.-A German, at Berlin, is reported to have announced
the formation of a "Society for the Abolitiox of Christianity."
There is no novelty about the scheme; the society has long existed
in England, and is known as the Sabbatarian Party.
WHAT WILL BOWYER SAY TO THAT P-The kingdom of Italy already
has a Free Press and a Free Parliament. It is now to have a Penny
Postage on our system. This Post is another Pillar in the Temple of
Italian Liberty.

VOL. II. ,

51

_I ~_I __ __ _~11_1__ _

VOL. II.

51

FU TT N.

52

[APRIL 26, 1862.

AGREEABLE-VERY

YOUNG MACGULP, THE ARTIST, HAVING WRITTEN SEVERAL SONNETS (OF A TENDER
CHARACTER) TO MISS BRITANNIA MAY, WHOSE CHARMING PICTURE OF LOVE AND
FIENZY TOOK THE ACADEMY BY STORM, IS INTRODUCED TO THE LADY HERSELF.

PAN AT THE PLAY.
MR. DION BOUCICAULT has just furnished the public with a striking illustration of the
facility with which a vulgar mind can eliminate the poetry from a noble conception. Of
course, no one has forgotten iM. CHARLES DICKENS'S charming tale of the Cricket on the
Hearth," where that familiar sound of home, the chirp of the cricket, awakens tender recol-
lections in the heart of the suspicious husband, and, shaping itself into the voice of his own
conscience, drives his evil thoughts away. Such a delicate fancy was a great deal too refined
in flavour to please the palate of a sensation dramatist. Accordingly, MR. DION BOUCICAULT
has imported into his new drama Dot, which purports to be an adaptation of MR. DICKENS'S
story, a fairy machinery of the stereotyped pattern. There is a supernatural prologue
precisely like the opening scene of a pantomime, in which. Oberon, Titania, and other
well-known personages of the same race, discuss the condition of things in general,
and of the Peeybingle family in particular, and in the end appoint the Cricket to
watch over them through crannies like an elfin INSPECTOR FIELD, and to take such steps as
may be needful to prevent them from coming to grief. Upon the same principle, I have no
doubt that MR. DION BOUCICAULT would have the phantom dagger of Macbeth's vision hung
upon a wire from the flies, and contrive some internal mechanism to make the gouts of blood
appear when needful upon its blade and dudgeon. There is one decided novelty in the
piece, for the action begins with the denoucme,nt. The young man who, when dis-
guised as an old one, causes so much misery to honest Jolb Peerybingle, is exhibited
in all his juvenility at the commencement of the drama, a proceeding which may be
agreeable to those young ladies who dip into the third volume of a novel before they have
finished the first, but which will assuredly please nobody else. The character of Dot was
well conceived and capitally embodied by MIss LOUISE KEELEY; and MR. J. L. TOOLE,
as Caleb Plumncnr, mingled quaint humour with intense feeling as he alone can do.
Miss IENRTI.TrT SIMMs, too, who has returned to the New Adelphi, to the delight of every
one who can appreciate good acting, was eminently artistic and pathetic as Bertha. But the
piece is gotten at the core, and all the aid of puffing advertisements and transparencies can
scarcely keep it long alive.

THE BOTCHERBY PAPERS.

"So it's you who are setting the curs on the young woman "
On Friday-April eleven-
The Lords sat until seven;
GRANVILLE some time expended
On the Code as re-amended.
Then LORD DE GREY and RIPON
Spoke, Fort and Iron Ship on,
And said Government had delayed
Forts at Spithead being made;
Recent trials at Shoeburyness
Had made the Monitor's power less,
By showing the iron shield
Will to ARMSTRONG'S new guns yield.
CAMBRIDGE thought delay perhaps right,
ELLENBOROUGH differed quite-
" Forts and ships, both, build away,"
He exclaimed, "the country '11 pay."
In the Commons, PAM proposed
That the Parliament be closed;
Whereon BOWYER rose, and straight
Attacked the Italian State-
"'Neath the Government Piedmontese
Was no safety, wealth, or ease;
Massacres and martial law
Kept all people under awe,
While the horrid proclamations
Were an outrage on all nations."
Then spake LAYARD next, and just
Crushed poor BowYEB's talk to duet,
Comparing Italy's state
'Neath this Government and the late;
Next HENNESSEY Italy vowed
Was to shame and ruin bowed;
But, from his own experience, SLANEY
Did contradict this zany.
COCHRANE said his chief affiance
Was in Austria for alliance,
Not France or Italy. DUFF
Said that BOWYER's talk was stuff;
MONCKTON MILES for Italy spoke;
WIIALLEY, as usual, was a joke;
GLADSTONE chaffed BOWYER credulous,
And in paradoxes sedulous,
"But two years is Italy free,
And its progress note said he.
Then rose LOCKE, and wished to know
What had come of DIzzY and Co.?
" Why did they always vanish just
When Italy was discussed ?"
Then MAGUIRE sprang on the floor,
And did rant, and rave, and roar,
And mistook for patriotism
Some thorough Irish blackguardism;
Which excess, said PAM, with scorning,
He'd regret the following morning,
And added,-strict Non-Intervention
Was close bordered by the French on,
In not calling the army home,
That is garrisoning Rome.
After other slight digression,
At two they closed the Session,
But will return to rule the state
On April twenty-eight.

-~--I--

APRIL 26, 1862.] IF T .T ST r;

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
THERE will be a good deal of dirty weather about, in consequence of
which the clerk of that department is arranging several sky-scrapers
to take some of the mud off.
The Clouds have lately been seen scudding before the wind; we are
authorized to state that they are in training for the Grand Aerial
Ascud Races.
Taurus.-The sign of the "Bull" about this time denotes a future
regatta at Cowes. It is proposed during the summer to give the
bull a place in a drove of equin-oxes.
Cancer has been severely reprimanded for saying, Can't, sir;" but
he will not lose his place at present.
Aquarius, the celestial waterman, has been taken up on suspicion of
burglary, having been found with a Jemmy nigh.

APRIL.

20 5 Sermons in various stones.
21 M Easter Monday. Day after Easter day. First Number
of the Grand Volunteer Review. Motto, "List, oh!
list." Volunteers preparing for an encampment, go
out with the tenterhooks of suspense. General Election,
or Choosing a Commander, to be followed by Canvassing
on the Brighton Downs.
22 Tu The Westminster Clock strikes for higher wages; the
hands engaged gradually come round.
23 W FuN-cy Fair.
24 TIn Another Revival of Old English Sports at Turnham Green.
Running up a bill and down again without stopping.
25 F Visit of the Hottentot Ambassador to England, and Grand
Barbarian Procession id Hottentottenham Court Road.
26 S Another Grand Boat Racebetween MR. FECHTEII and the
LORD t MAYOR, for nothing' (aside), twenty pounds
(aloud). The course will be through the Underground
Railway as far as Bagnigge Wells, where they will
drink the waters, and return their partner's lead vid
Southampton (the shortest and cheapest route).

INTS FOR GARDENING AND AGRICULTURE.
Get some small shot, and rake your garden fore and afc; you can
do it for four-and-sixpence.
Get some nice, bright brass buttons sown on to the jackets of your
potatoes ; before doing so, however, put it to the vote, and as far as
the potatoes go, their ayes" will have it.
innocent Pastoral Amusement for a Spring Morning.-Get your
servant to drag you about in a spring cart, then, while in motion,
spring out. Hold up a piece of bread, and see how high your spring
onions will jump. Get a simple-minded friieid to come and play at
grasshoppers with you. This is a very pretty and rural game. Each
go into a corner of a field, lie down and chirrup; this, if tunefully
executed, will be a sweet grasshoppora. When tired, you can refresh
yourselves by tying a wisp of grass round your heads, and speak in
wispers.
Bees.-Look to your bees about this time; take a swarm of these
busy little insects to your solicitor's chambers, and place them in the
family archives. Return in a threepenny buz.
Cattle.-Attend to your cows; don't allow them on any account to
use low language, as is their habit. If there is a fierce bull in the
field, don't be cowed by him. Educate your calves at Oxon; procure
for them a stall for the season, and teach them to pass their leisure
hours in singing, How happy could I be with heifer!"

ANSWERS TO GARDENING CORRESPONDENTS.
A Correspondent.-You lose your bet; there is no vegetable called
cribbage.
Wren-boy.-Spring is that time of year when the birds are paring
their nails. It was SHAKSPEARE who said, Birds in their little
nests agree;" the poet alluded to an am-nesty. See Pretty Dicky,
the Bird, act x. so. 8.
N.B.-" What does N.B. mean P" Why, not a beany in the garden,
stupid.
Chickens.-Spare no expense in rearing your cocks and hens; to this
hend spend money at henyrate; to starve your fowls is a poultry
act.
Architect.-We should not advise you to begin building a house by
placing as a foundation a layer of stones; instead of this, commence
by hurrying your best hen as a good layer of eggs.

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.

-- TTORNEY.--OIn who is pul in the
r "I '1 place, stead, or turn of lnolher,
and who, ii tlh truo spirit of Io:al
'3 6 li te morality, does for his client as' hl
sIi r *l Y desires his client to do for sonme-
S ~--_ bodyelse. The same kind of 'prr-
titioner in the Court, of Chlanriery
is called a solicitor, prlobnbly
because lie is always asking llor
'something or other. Attorineys
Prepare the case at issue fi'r tlit
i counsel who have to argue upoi)
's li it, and by these geitlermen 1he
Sharpest case is opened with the
greatest amount of feies. As the
Stattorney makes his case, so tllh
barrister is expected to lie iupm
~-' ,. -S / | it. W llen the client gets nothing!,'
it, iis a coinsolation to ,l onsliderl it,
very hard caset indeed. In easesi
of libel, the attorney suits the action to the word and tlh word to tfli
action. If his own actions are not entitled to) good word, he is
deprived of getting his bread in this way by being struik off tlI'
rolls. The attorney who desires to give satishcition in every case is
one who will always study two pleas.
ArrRAcrTON, the power by which bodies mutually tend towar-il
each other, always varies according to the nature of the bodiris
attracted, and the circumstances under which this attraction taken
place. That which draws, always excepting a mustard plaster, is
considered attractive. The Collee Beawn, the volunteer systiim,
and MiR. FoiRSTERi, the medium, may be considered as so ianyt
examples of attraction by gravitation, cohesion, and chemical illitnih.
A theatre, however,,whiero "great attraction" is always it thle to ,
of the bills, will finish the best illusHtationi of tlio attraction of
adhesion, as out of the actors at that establishment you aro MuII to0
see upon the stage so mniny sticks together.
A uc-Txo.--A public sale of gooils to thlie highest biddrh 1 f Yo
make a bid, you are supp osed t to ii oiy a bargain t t l i[s gn'i ;
but thero are many articles that are no lliargain, :and i ilor wliclh (lt
best "bid" you could mako would he "goiod-bye." The ent r liok
of an auctioneer, though intended to be inviting, is nusilly spoken of
as rather for-hidlding. l looking over a atAniige, and Iiinlii o(1'
the fall of the haminer, hero aro many things putt dOwn to ie ilil
that obviously suggest to your mind, as the stile proeieds,c a kitick
shuln eore.
AuDIENCE.-Pei'rsons assembled at a thitatre', oir oliher public plnc,'
to hear the performances, and who are thus frequentiily entitlild it
receive a certain amount of sympathy from the public, in consiidernl itn
of what they are compelled to go through. When they can heariIl
freely, the auditors, or "order-tors," a f they aro tlln called with
greater propriety, express their opinions of what tlhy hliav hfald by
applause, which is only a plausible way of slowing tlat, the bestHowers
of the privilege have not erred themselves. The endurance ofuiil,
exhibited by modern audiences proves that tlio age of martyr has not
yet passed away, and every night the playogoer finds that a largo
portion in the lower part of the thcat'e puti iin a regular claim to be
pitted.
AUGURY.-A species of divination practised by thil ancients, wllo,
by the flight of birds or other omiens, signified w wh was conting to
pass. To sneeze was naturally considleredI: significant of Ia (C)ld, "r ai
"tisloo!" of calamities, and to spill the sll., was indicative of' 11n
upset of some kind. The augurs, it must bo admitted, were generally
bores, and though they pretend to have penetrated n l dal,, it snees
that they could not by their auger eyes see much further thma tl(hir
" noes," which was generally the extreme tip they gave to the noble
Roman sportsmen.

His LonnsHrr's LAST.-- BAIION B[[ItA.WEIN. says it is much, Ihit.fr to
make a man-of-war of iron than of any other metal ; fo' iistaince,
steel, "in which latter case," the judicial luminary remarks, i:)
might sometimes lose her temper, and conRseP(iqtly, as is often the
case with men under similar circumstances, the fighl as well "
LATEST FRO.M AMEr:nCA.-PxOrESSO~t RAiRYv has been entrimtedl with
the command of all works relating to fortificntions, Ith being the only
engineer in America who can make a gibber alter.

U1 :FLU N1T.

[APRIL 26, 1862.

A TIEA.'VZ SWVETLL .
Infuriated Cabby:-" HI! THE NEXT TIME TER WANTS TO RIDE IN A 'ANSOMI FOR Si pene, YER'D BETTER SEND YER FAT ON BY THE
PARCELS DELIVERY !"

TO MANAGERS,
GENTLEMEN all, the new entertainment, which causes such a rush
to the REEDS', written by Mns. Tor TIDDLEII, has been suggestive to
me of a simple p!an, whereby, with very little expense, frugal
managers will be able to produce the plays of the immortal bard,
sensation dramas, pantomimes, farces, or operas, by simply keeping
up an economical establishment of one person, two persons, or at the
most three persons; also an adapter (Mi. TinDDLE will suffice when
my services cannot be procured), and a musician capable of playing
upon more than one instrument at a time.
There will be little or no expense in scenery, and all superfluous
villagers, noblemen, first and second peasants, bridesmaids, demons,
and such like, will be swept away with the dust of the dramatic past.
Let me give you an idea. Gentlemen, it is as follows:-
THEATRE ROYAL WEALTHY.
Two thousandth night of Macbeth; or, As you Like it, adapted from
the original story ofW. SHAKSPEARE, ESQ., by MR. COLIN BORN.
Engagement of an additional Member to the Company!
CHARACTERS IN THB OPENING.
Macbeth (beloved by everybody) MR. COLIN Bon.
Banquo (his ghost) MR. PETER PIPER.
Orlando (a renegade on a fishing excursion) MR. PETER PIPER.
Hamlet (the Thane) MR. PETER PIPER.
The Three Witches (portraits by HEATH) MR. COLIN BORN.
Duncan (murdered by) MR. PETER PIPER.
Lady Macbeth (the sleeping beauty) MRS. COLN BORN.
Malcolm
Donaldbain the Corsican Brothers M. PETER PIPER.
Rosalind (tho Prairie Flower) MRS. COLN BORN.
Servants, carriages, horses, peasants, murderers,
juggling fiends, acrobats, cricket-bats, people M P p
n the distance, members of a bloated aristocracy PET IPE.
heard without speaking

Then, gentlemen, the scene should be thus arranged:-
Scene 1.-The scene, to save time and money, represents Enland and
Ireland as the United Kingdom, with a perspective view of Scotland,
Corsica, and the Forest of Ardennes. To complete the illusion, MR.
PETER PIPER will groan like a wild boar at the wing.
The orchestra, consisting of one musician, will commence with a solo on
the violin, then, while still playing this instrument, he will take up with
his teeth the post-horn, and favour the company with a duet; being
accommodated with an armchair, and in order that his feet may be
employed, he will then play a symphony on the piano with his toes. He
will then occasionally shift the horn to one corner of his mouth, so that
he may the more easily sing out of the other. By having one cymbal
fixed to the back of the chair, and another tied to his head, he may with
an easy motion produce a charming effect in a martial air. A general
effect will be gained at the finale of the overture by the musician
dropping all his instruments at once, and falling helplessly on the
piano, where he can remain until required for the opening chorus. For
this he must change his dress, and appear as a man, a woman, and a
parcel of children. The latter is simply done up with brown paper and
string.
As to the lighting of the theatre, gentlemen, I propose a revolving
lamp, which shall take three light parts. As to the illumination of
the audience, let it be notified that each one among them must bring
his own candle; this will be novel, effective, economical, and good for
trade. I will seize the earliest opportunity, gentlemen, for placing
before you a sensation drama, or one of SHAKSPEARE'S plays arranged
according to the proposed plan, and beg to remain, gentlemen all,
yours truly, FALSE STAFF.
Acton.

A GENUINE WORK. OF HEART.-MR. GEORGE PEABODY'S recent
munificent gift.
THE BEST BREAD SOURCE.-Labour.

~--~x~

-_-~T
C-2

_
7>- p

1 \

A SHARP EASTER.
DERBY (in despair) :--" OH! DIZZY! DIZZY! IF THIS WIND GOES ON, WE S11AN'T
HAVE AN APPLE THIS YEAR."

Fi UT 1ST.-ArpIL 26, 1862.

--~" E,

S

APRIL 26, 1862.] F IT INT. 57

SONG FOR THE THRONG.

OR, VERIFICATION FOR THE NATION.

No. XVI.-"DIED OF STARVATION."
(A not uncommon Verdict.)
THE morning's breaking. Over the roofs
There's one g"-y str"-kc i t1, sky,
At the end of the s' l he market-carts
Go creaking slowly .
I hear the murmur of falling rain,
The policeman's tread on the flags,
What is it I see in the doorway there-
A sodden bundle :gs ?
I see an arm,-a hand,-and a cnot,-
'Tis something human. Oh! dread,
A woman, lying there on the stones,
Homeless, shelterless ;-dead!
"Died of Starvation," the jury will say.-
Mine is it. dainty fare,
But I had my frugal supper last night
And here was a crust to spare.
And I and my friend, we sat and talked
By the fire-side warm and bright,
While that poor thing upon yonder steps
Was dying out in the night.
Dying, in London's populous heart,
Stretched on the pitiless stone;
A woman, and lacking a scrap of bread,
Starving, dying, alone!
Some one's darling once as a child,
Some one's love as a maid,
Some one's wife, a mother perchance,
There on the hard ground laid.
Charity! Pshaw! when names are given,
It can cram Times' columns full,
With gifts to a scheme for clothing the poor
By the shearing of hor- for wool;
For sending blankets L. to the Cape;
Ice-pails away to the poles:
While sisters and brothers, close at hand,
Are perishing, bodies and souls.
A guinea here, and a guinea there,
To Treasurer This or That,
Whatever Society chances to ask,
Whichever's name comes pat.

This is what our fine Charity does,
And its activo-duties cheats;
It is little it aids the starving wretch
Who asks our alna in the streets.
He's only shamming. No penco for hin,
Whatever his story is;
But we give our guineas with glee for a sight
Of far worse acting than his.
And so because five are beggars professed,
From six our ahls we withhold,
And one poor destitute creature some night
Dies of sheer hunger and cold.
And twelve of us gaze on the wasted linbs,
"Died of Starvation,"-and then,
With a vow to be kind to the poor henceforth,
Go-and let them starve again!

LETTERS FROM A YOUNG MARRIIED LADY.
No. IV.-ABOUT THAT BOTHERING EDUCATION QUESTION.

atir and decapitation, I strs, at just ithat turn in a p)c to t iothe
shamefully curtailed reports of accidents ano d olfnces, which those
ridiculous articles almost squeeze out of the paper. I don't know what
the fuss is all about ; but one tling I do hope, and thaut is, that if
charity people must be taughtli anything, it will be onlyjust reading
enough to enable thorn to make out whether a letter is addressed lto
their master or their mistress, and just writing enough to enable
them to sign their monthly receipts for their wages.
EDwiN, who talks about what lie calls the Education of the
masses" in a manner which is simply ridictultois in ita ma of his
years, pretends that he thinks that whereas Government has hitherto
taught a great deal too much in its national schools,--gtinig even as
far as Latin, Greek, logic, and slo,,s of tIwr most i .. dvsrigptionl,-
still, that the proposed plan of cutting ldownt e t ;ubjct of instruct ion
to the very opposite extremes, that is to say, teaching children iolhing
but reading, writing, and arithmetic, involves a still greater error.
But what I say in answer to this is, If you teach these poolehlo all
sorts of ridiculous sciences, where in the world, Mtr. EInlwi,. are we to
get our servants from? Do you expect thai, a iman who knotwss as
much as a Doctor of Arts will be content to clean your lordship's
boots ?" And it isn't any use his saying that lie doesn't want poor
people's children taught ctrt t hatthe that, loy I each them at presenlft,
but only a little more u han tlhy iprpo u tfo teach then, ecalluse
that's no answer ovhtalceer to tit qu'vtion; alnd besides, Mr. Editor,
when you have a scrltinmoe with Mrs. Editor (whose acqualntati e I
trust to have the ileatsure of nslaking shortly), don't you find that:
when she I ",r coincides with you, it is infinitely more atInoying thanlt
when she od.-. from you altogether ? Ohi! it i. so vexing to fidl
that for once one's husband so tearltq agrees with ole, and yet does
not quite !-Believe nme to be, dear Mr. Editor, sincerely yours,
Kensington Palace Gardens. ANGEI.INA laowN.

K8 F8

U N.

[APRIL 26, 1862.

F''''..- ;.'
/" I .

-.- I,
~~-'I'.'
*rlI-sIa

THERE ARE FEW THINGS THAT MAKE A NERVOUS FELLOW, WHO CARES ABOUT APPEARANCES,
FEEL MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN TO BE STARTLED, ON A WEDNESDAY MORNING, INTO IMAGINING
HIMSELF UNDER THE WIIELS OF A HANSOM, BY A NOISY BOY'S ANNOUNCEMENT THAT FUN
IS JUST PUBLISHED, AND THAT IT IS ONLY A PENNY!

THE END OF THE SESSION.
AN EASTBR HYMN FOR REPORTERS.
PAM for Bath has just set out,
To try its waters for his gout;
LEWIS quits the path of Mars,
In Milky Way to study stars.
Chorus-Boys, its time to go and
play,
This is Easter holiday,
And MR. SPEAKERsays
we may!
GLADSTONE is to Greece a roamer,
To study figures there, and HOMER ;
LAYARD seeks Nineveh's solitude,
Whose Ninnies BOWYER don't include.
Chorus-Boys, etc.
SIR ROBERT PEEL, at Donnybrook,
In on the O'DONOGHUE will look;
And WHALLEY'S gone, to tell the
truth,
Incog. to see his loved Maynooth.
Chorus-Boys, etc.
Diz won't the same way walk as us,
So visits distant Caucasus ;
While BRIGHT to New York Broad-
way ranges,-
Perhaps "vice HEENAN, who ex-
changes."
Chorus-Boys, etc.
So since the M.P.'s, every one,
Now off a-pleasuring are gone;
No longer stay you shall-or I-
In the Reporters' Gallery.
Chorus-Boys, etc.

SAYING BY OUR SAGE IN THE
STREETS.-There are many things
that we ought to do; but it is not
with uneducated people only that
" ought stands for nothing."

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
DEAR F:N,-In consequence of your request that I should go down
and see the fight between the Nobbler and JACK PRICE'S Young 'Un,
I, at great personal risk and inconvenience, arrived at the scene of
action last Thursday morning. I will not enter into particulars, but
merely report the rounds (which, I am told, were fought "on the
square"), apologizing for the use of inevitable slang terms, with the
correct application of which I am not at present thoroughly acquainted.
Round 1.-Both men came up smiling. (Entrd nous, anything
more hideous than their respective grins I never saw.) There was a
good deal of fainting, at least so I was informed, but neither fell down
or even turned pale. After some dodging, the Nobbler hit out
with his left, and caught the Young 'Un a sharp cut on the gob.
(N.B. That's the right car.) A short scuffle ensued, when both fell
at the ropes, somebody uppermost.
Round 2.-The Young 'Un scratched his too gaily. (The reporter
for B-ll's L-fe says it ought to be toe'd the scratch;" but that's
nonsense.) The Nobbler sent out his one-two, which proved one too
many for his opponent, who aimed a quick blow with his right smeller
at the Nobbler's ogle (nose), but slipped up, and fell heavily on his
knowledge-box.
Round 3.-On time being called, the Nobbler came up with a
mouse" under his ear, and the Young 'Un smelt a rat. Both
advanced cautiously, and after some giving and taking, the Young 'Un
lot fall a rattler on the Nobbler's nut, which was returned by the
Nobbler on the ogle, but happening in making a guard to hit his own
proboscis and tap the claret, this was pronounced first blood for the
Nobbler.
Rounds 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc.-Much the same as the others; blows

on the ogles, kissers, potato-traps, sellers, nuts, optics, and snouts,
followed in rapid succession, until
Round 201, when the men came up slowly; the Nobbler's nose
was twice as big as his head, while the Young 'Un's eyes had entirely
vanished from the light of day. Both had lost all their teeth. How-
ever, the Nobbler lifted up his hand, when the wind occasioned by
the movement knocked down the Young 'Un, who, when time was
called, failed to put in an appearance, and the soap and sponge were
thrown up by the Young Un's trainer at a quarter-past four.
The gallant fellows will have a benefit at Conkey Jim's celebrated
House of Call, when all their friends and patrons are invited to rally
round them, and rally do something for the men.
The above is a clear and succinct account of the great encounter.
The following advertisements I have promised shall appear:-
Bon METTLE, alias the Cocky Dodger, is astonished thatYoung SimrsoN won't
fight him on the usual terms, and begs politely to observe-(here the writer
descends into personalities and a tone of coarseness only interesting to the
very ordinary reader; the tenor of the note being, that he is the reverse of
blessed if he don't pitch into Young S. when they meet; and the noble veteran
then becoming discussive, anathematizes every one's optics in a general way.)
JIe PERRY, the Chuckling Dustman, will be happy to hear from the Excited
Miller as soon as possible. The Chuckling D. is open to any reasonable offer
under 15st.
YOUNG REEF'S Novice will fight the Bristling Baker whether he likes it or not.
Time and place immaterial.
Do put these advertisements in, for if you don't, the three worthy
creatures above mentioned have promised me a slogging. I don't
know what it means, but judging from their ferocious style of enforcing
the remark, I should imagine it must be something peculiarly
unpleasant. Wishing that I had never fallen in with these fighting
men, and hoping that I may not fall out with them, I remain in terror,
yours truly, JOHN STOOARD MILLS.

b

APRIL 26, 1862.]

FVTJI,.

THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW.

.i '

Private Quills (21st Middlesex) reads :-" 'No LUGGAGE WILL
BE PERMITTED AT THE REDUCED FARES.' NO, OP COURSE NOT,
VERY PROPER; OR PEOPLE WOULD TAKE A MEAN ADVANTAGE OF
THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPEND A FORTNIGHT AT BRIGHTON; BUT
LUGGAGE IS ONE THING, AND ACCOUTREMENTS ARE ANOTHER!"

EXAMINATION UNDER THE REVISED CODE.
ACCORDING TO THE FEARS OF ITS OPPONENTS.
SCENE-A Schoolroon. PERSONS-An Inspector (after MR. WALPOLE).
His Clerk, an inferior article (after LOED R. CECIL). Schoolmaster
(after the Government Grant). Scholars (after their Iind).
Inspector. Fie! what a place! what rain is here, what roads!
Each bone seems out of joint. A malison
On him who placed a school on such a spot.
Ha! here they come; a scurvy lot, i'faith,
And few : good-I shall do my work the quicker,
Perchance the master too; such is the system,
Efficient (with expense), or cheap (and nasty).
Come hither, master; hast thou on thy roll
This long array of names ? and see how few
Are here in body!
Schoolmaster. Sir, by evil chance,
There is a fair nigh-hand, whereto our youth
Do much resort; this, and the present weather,
Must needs be my excuse for slack attendance.
Inspector. Hope not to weather me; weather or no,
My duties may not stay; and for the fair,
It is affair of thine; 'tis fair I tell thee,
Thou wilt fare ill thereby-so say farewell
To the whole grant for every head that's absent.
Schoolmaster. Why, by this rule you cut off a two-thirds
Of all my pains; my twelvemonth's toil is naught.
Inspector. See thou to that; the rule is none of mine.
Clerk, hast thou duly seen to these boys' writing ?
Clerk. That have I done ; an earwig dipped in ink
Would crawl in fairer strokes upon the paper.

Schoo lobster. Oh! but le marred their practice, Imad thell use
An iron pen, whereas we write with quills.
Inspector. You're wrong, then, in thus writing; cut the quillh.
Seek not to make thy pupils quill drivers.
Schoolnmaster. An' I might alnlwer the1 in thine own voin,
I'd say, we would not use tholn to stell opens.
Inspecfor. Tiloe holds not for this question ; bring the list.
Call SAMUEL JONES. Now, SAMUEL, see thou road
This paper I here give theo glibly off,
Without mistake or sign of hesitation.
Samuel. Ecs, zur, I wool.
Inspector. Ecs, thou pernicious varlet!
Why standest thou at ces? 1 Read on, I toll thee.
Samuel (aghast and hurriedly). "Three blue bleans in a blue
badder, rattle "-
Inspector. Hold! hold! Ithoughtso. Turn hinmdown; who's nexl
Come, TnoIMAs TADPOLE, we will test thy figures.
You have a journey, say, of fifty miles :
Ten miles consumno the first day; on the next
You travel half ten miles; then, on tie third,
The half of that, and so on ; say, how soon
Wilt reach thy journey's end ?
Schoolmaster (acutely, aside to SAMUEL). Well, did you over!
Samuel (despondingly). No, never!
Inspector. Truly, never. Let him pass,
Schoolmastcr. A lucky hit! Sir, will it please you now,
To sound the scholars in religious matters ?
Inspector. Religion! lI-mi! Would'st thou tihn add a fourth
To thoso three It's, which in themselves embrace
All necessary knowledge ? ltticles,
I may say, of our creed. Yet, we admit
This should not be neglected -in the poor.
Here, little boy, dost know who built, the ark P
Boy. Noa.
Inspector. Why, so he did; now, canst thou say
Where the first nail was hit in it ?
Boy. Noa.
Inspector. NOAH, again I smell a rat I This lingo
Had well nigh cheated me. Sirrah, 'twere good
To hit thee where that nail was hit. Master,
I wish thee all success next year; till ton ,
Adieu. Thy capitation grant is naught. [Erit.

OTHELLO RECAST.
ILL any of our readers oblige Il
with a solution l o tlih sulloiii'e
remarkable riddle, which aplpIearl
a week or two ago in the pages of
the 1Volverhampton Chronile ? I
NEW BEDSTEAD AN)D MlI)-

trive in bds, WA iEtOM S ll II i 1' N

wise oarde aware tof hatc iln l ill

wsispir d ard of al inls, (itall il ll whihiI
corn was procured on tick; but the employnIl god of i ll' tr1r,,
feather-beds, etc., as a top dressing fsr wh eat, brley, an i out," l. N i
us as a novelty in agriculture, and one that would be f lounld lto go verl
much against the grain. Advertisements now-a-days are() nUotllilli
without accompanying illustrations, MAI we lJcg to suggest' i" toll t
spirited proprietor of the very l.At thing in manures, all IL pinilnll
heading to his announcement, Yulcan, the patron god of iroo-worlkwt,,
as Othello, smothering Ceres, as Desdemona, with o0ne of Alit. N 0nAe K'S
feather-beds, and on one of MI?. NOAKE'S iron bedsteads.

NOTE BY OUR RHEUMATIC CONTRIBUliTl.-Easter's all very well il
it's way, but it need not be celebrated by Easterly winds.
AN EXCEuLLENT Force M unAT.-Cold mutton.

A DUST HODE.
To be Sung by Dust fahommed.
THE wind that blows o'er London
Bridge
Has double charm for me,
It blows the dust up in a ridge,
It blows to a degree;
And when the wind blows from the
east
As through the spring it must,
Though good for neither man nor
beast,
It's excellent for dust!
Dust hey! dust ho!
I hope and trust
They'll turn on the water,
And down with the dust.
It costs the corporation, say
Six hundred pounds a year,
*To have policemen all the day
To keep the traffic clear;
But though they're so considerate,
And seem so very kind,
They let the dust accumulate,
Foot passengers to blind.
Dust hey! dust ho!
I hope and trust
They'll turn on the water,
And down with the dust.
All through the winter and the spring
The dust triumphant reigns,
And when the water-carts they bring,
Then come the summer rains.
There's not a misery I know,
So much my temper tries,
As over London Bridge to go
Dust driven in my eyes.
Dust hey! dust ho!
I hope and trust
They'll turn on the water,
And down with the dust.

WHY are 'go-a-head men like rail-
way engines ?-Because they never
move without puffing.

SONGS FOR SOLDIERS;
OR, THE "MANUAL" SET TO MUSIC.
Air-" When first I went a-waggoning."
III.
WHEN first I went a-soldiering,
A soldiering did go,
My right hand from my left hand
I'm sure I didn't know,
But since I've joined the volunteers
To fight against the foe-oe-oe,
I've learnt to come and go,
March double, quick, and slow,
Form fours, and how to do the last
With pleasure I will show.
Chorus of admiring comrades-He's learnt to come and go, etc.
The rear rank, when they hear "Form fours,"
Should backwards smartly go,
Twelve inches (though one more or less,
Don't signify, you know) ;
Then at the word "Right! all the men
Should face directly so-o-o,
The left files then must show
How soldierlike they grow,
By smartly stepping right and front
Till four stand in a row.
Chorus of admiring comrades-The left files then must show, etc.

"WONDERS SURE," ETC.
WE are indebted to the Susses Express for the following choice
morsel, which, in the absence of a gigantic strawberry or early ap-
pearance of goosberry fool, we are compelled to swallow:-
"On Sunday last a young girl, daughter of a mechanic, in the New Town,
Ashford, vomited a live frog. The frog has been shown to a great many persons
in the town. It is of considerable size, being as large as the palm of the girl's
hand, and is very lively. She was nearly-choked by it. The water supplied to
the houses in the New Town is very impure, and m summer is full of insects.
The girl has a recollection of swallowing something when drinking a draught of
water last summer."
We have not yet so deeply studied the natural history of the frog
as to be able confidently to state at what temperature that interesting
amphibia may thrive, nor can. we with any certainty point out from
what particular insect it receives its organic' derivation. Doubtless
the "many persons" who saw the frog are perfectly satisfied as to the
truth of the story. W% have heard oftimes the remark that "'two
swallows don't make a summer," but it is evident that one frog made
a spring; and if the act of disgorging nearly choked the .young lady,
what must the effect be to those who are compelled to swallow such.
a frog-and bull story.

London: Printed and Publshed (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.--aturday, April 26, 1862.

____~

6;

MAY 3, 1862.] F TT I 61

f -_77_

Oak

PUTTING THEIR PIPE OUT.
"AMONG the anecdotes narrated of the
Japanese ambassadors," says the Moniiig
Herald, during their stay at Marseilles, it is
said that they presented a cigar to each of
the policemen placed at the door of their
hotel to keep off the crowd. Tho cigars
were composed of tobacco and opium, and
they made the smokers quite drowsy. The
next police inspector who passed was sur-
prised to find his men asleep at their post."
It is a fortunate thing for England that her
police are wide-a-wake fellows and abovo
receiving a bribe, whether it be in the shape
bf a cigar or a sop in the pan, for with such
highly dangerous and suggestive paragraph
in our public prints, one would be lfarful
of the SYiES family, or uany of' tle wild
tribes of thieves that infest London, netinL
upon such suggestion, and having quietly
disposed of tih police by means of tIio mild
cigar, pursue their lawless depredations in
comparative safety. For our own part, we
shall always look upon a policeman with a
pipe or cigar in his mouth with an e(ye of
suspicious distrust, and shall specially put
"cook" upon her guard to caution liher
"cousin" WI LLIAM against tli use of tobacco.

FREE, AND EASY.-Wo are briefly com-
manded in an advertisement to "Try
GsuNoD's Easy Boots." Of course, it is very
nice for GIINDY to havo his boots easy, but
what on earth does it matter to us P or why
should we, whose feet are probably larger
or smaller than his, be compelled to try
them? Mas. GRUNDY and her opinions we
have heard enough of, but we see no reason
why we should give our opinions on her hus-
band's easy boots.
A HINT.-Any one desirous of escaping
farther appeals of a similar nature should
subscribe to the MIALL Testimonial Fund,
as lie will then be ablo to declare, I give
MI-ALL, I can no moro."
Wicked WASTE.-Burning your candle at
both ends.

IRISH INTELLIGENCE.

English Tourist:-" Aw-MY GOOD FELLAW-CAN YOU INFORM ME IF THAT MONUMENT WAS
BUILT BY SUBSCRIPTION "
Ignorant Native:-"BUILT BE SUBSCHRIPTIN OH! NO, BEDAD. 'TWAS BUILT BE WOULD
LARRY DONELLY, THE STONECUTTHER!" [Tourist's disgust may be imagined.

TO MANAGERS.
THE gentleman who last week suggested an economical plan for the
production of SHAKSPEARE'S plays and other dramas, has placed
before us the following scheme, showing how a play, the dramatic
personcB of which are about twenty, can be acted by a company con-
sisting of three talented individuals. The method to be followed is
that of one person taking more than one character, which process they
of the theatrical profession know as "doubling." The play chosen
for illustrating our contributor's meaning is Macbeth; of course some
alterations have been considered necessary for adaptation to the
present purpose.
Scene 1.-A blasted heath. For the sale of the "doubling" business of
the entertainment, the venue may be advantageously changed from Scot-
land to Ireland, and laid in Dublin.
The three witches, by MESSRS. COLIN BORN and PETER PIPER and
MRS. COLIN BORN, go through the usual business. MRs. COLIN BORN
dances by herself, while MESSRS. C. BORN and P. PIPER go off to
dress as Macbeth and Banquo, who, when they enter, are received by the
one witch.
The "doubling" will be thus effected:-
Scene 3.-Enter Lady Macbeth, doubling her fist. After Macbeth has
delivered the celebrated speech, Is it a dagger that I see before me'"
he looks double-faced, and exit.
For the banqueting scene can be substituted a card party, where a
game of double dummy is being played.
When Macbeth seeks the witches' cave, the one witch addresses
him with a double entendre.

Macbeth, pursued by Macduff, doubles like a hare, and when stabbed,
may double himself up.
The two murderers will, of course, look like doubly-dyed villains.
After the murder of Banquo, Macbeth may ask, "And is old Double
dead?"
The flourishes of trumpets will be performed by the one gentleman
in the orchestra (who must, of course, be a single man), with plenty
of double tongueing. Finally, the audience, if pleased, can themselves
enter into the spirit of the entertainment by, on subsequent nights,
doubling the number present on the first representation.

A VOLUNTEER EPIGRAM.
WHY talk down our armament expenses ?
Why talk down all movements that are new ?
Why talk down our volunteer defences ?
Why talk down the Volunteer Review ?
Why talk down this movement ? it's a right 'un,
Why? why? you maudlin scoffers, why talk down ?
"Why talk down ? too, speak the plains of Brighton,
The very name, see, echoes White Hawk Down."

MOST LIKELY.-The following heading to a paragraph lately
appeared in one of the morning papers:-" Arrival of a Confederate
Vessel in the Mersey." We may soon, therefore, expect-slightly
altering the first word in this announcement only-a rival of a Con-
federate vessel in the Mersey as well,-i.e., a Federal vessel.

VOL. IL U

62 F_

SONG FOR THi THRONG.
OR, VEli'IFiCATION F01 TilE NATION.

/ ,-j.' 'i ,li I ( '* ',
T ', :- -- -- i .. -,

No. XVII.-LABOUR'S TRIUMPH.
TiE' day has come! bid trumpets blow,
And be the banners wide unfurled;
Let Earth's remotest nations know
Britannia's welcome to the World!
'Tis Labour's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May.
It is not War's victorious game,
Which our reward to-day receives;
The garland of this moment's fame
Has no red stains upon its leaves.
'Tis Labour's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May.
It is a victory nobly won
By those liard hands and busy brains,
Whereby Earth's greatest works are done,
And England reaps her purest gains.
'Tis Labour's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May.
And hither throng a countless host,
From every climate, every soil,
To honour England's proudest boast-
eor aristocracy of Toil.
'Tis Labour's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May.
Stand forth, ohli England, long renowned
In war and peace, on land and sea,
Let Earth behold you best ard crowned
With the oak-wreath of Industry!
'Tis Labour's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May.
Pale, Warrior's pride! pale, Statesman's art!
Ifolbre a purer, nobler claim;
One day let Labour play her part,
Chief guardian of Old England's fame!
'Tis Labour's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May.
S: .id forth, olh! England, holding out
To all the world a greeting hand,
And say, that kingdoms round about
May hear your voice, and nndeirsiand-
"'Tis Labour's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May.

SN. [MAY 3, 1862.

"These are my pride, these sons of mine,
The Workers, modest of their worth,
Whose laboursart arnd -kill combine
To benefit the whole wide earth.
'Tis Laboun's triumph here to-day
We celebrate, this First of May!"

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
U1- U 1ORA BOREALIS, OR NORTHERN
.-- -__-_ LIrrTS.-The luminous phenome-
___--_- nou which is seen towards the north
z_ --- by lhe inhabitants of the higher
S -- latitudes, and now believed to be
Ilhe electricity accumulated round
----....-- the magnetic pole. It is frequently
-. T accomipanied by a loud sound, and
Sif you bring a boy who has got a
S vacuum in his inside into contact
with a powerful electrical machine,
S nd then set it in action, you will
get a very good idea of Aurora.
Tej origin of the luminous ray is
still a matter of conjecture, but as
the inhabitants of Greenland can
read by it with the greatest ease,
i we have very properly identified the
'- -: northern light with the magnetic
"dip."
AUTOUATON.-A piece of ma-
chinery constructed to represent human or animal actions. Like
other examples of deep speculation, the automaton requires to
have its internal affairs frequently wound up in order to be. set
going. FRIAn BAcoN is said to have made a brazen head, which
spoke, the "spoke" being so arranged in the wheel; and REGIO-
MONTANUS is. declared to have manufactured a. fly which was so
successful that he continued in the same line of buzzy-ness for many
years. The automaton chess-player of Kemplen was long regarded
as the most wonderful of automata, for it succeeded in beating most
of the players with whom it engaged; but it afterwards turned out that
a confederate was concealed inside the machine, and that the exhibitor
could not cause the automaton to successfully check his antagonist
unless he had his mate" properly arranged beforehand on the board
below.
Avo Daouors.-The name given to our system of weights and
measures, supposed to be derived from the French, but equally likely
to be plain English, and originating in the recommendation to "have
your due poise." The scale varies always according to circumstances.
If the Maine liquor law had been introduced as an English measure,
pints would have gone against the grain of the tee-totallers, and to
every dram there would have been a greater amount of scruples than
at present. When waits occur at a theatre, the stage-manager will
generally come forward on the usual scale of begging to an ounce, and
though there may not be twenty-eight pounds in any quarter, he may
call it a good rrama if he can make a hundred wait a little longer.
BABA.-A Turkish word signifying father, and originating, like our
corresponding word Papa," in the early efforts of a child to speak.
The first articulate sound we all make is found to be "Ah!" with
which we express our satisfaction at our first view of the world. The
second is "Ba!" with which we salute our parents, and which they
take to be very complimentary. Thence to pa-pa and ma-ma is a
natural progression. Ar BABA thus means the father of AL. Accord-
ing to an old oriental custom, when a child does not know its own
father it is left by its nurse on the road to Bagdad; but if the young
Turk has great expectations, the person who is troubled with the
superfluous "heir" goes in immediate search of a "baba."
ABY.-A problem which is propounded by the World to be solved
by Time. Typographically speaking, a short article with a heading in
small caps. Graphically speaking, a morsel of humanity which is
generally the admiration of one sex and the aggravation of the other.
Philosophically speaking, moral lessons in long clothes, set before us
to remind the greatest of what they have once been, and to worry the
irritable old bachelor with what he has a great dislike to come to.
BACHELOR, according to old etymologists, is derived from bacca
laurea, a laurel berry, as significant probably of a bachelor being
considered ever green, or as one who found his only (law!) real
enjoyment in his baccaa." The legislation of every country at some
period of its history has,'however, imposed penalties on male celibacy,

_

MAY 3, 1862.] -i6 f C3

so bachelors may have been so called simply because there was a
batch-o'-laws against them. In the days of LYcuRGus and SOLON,
criminal proceedings were authorized if persons refused to marry; and
even in GrBat-Britain, down to a recent date, taxes were imposed'on
single men; a'nd-so rigidly enforced, that if they did not pop the
question, they had to pop something else, so there was no gettingqan
without taxing somebody. In universities the term is applied to tho
lowest academical honour, and a bachelor of hearts orily-attains a
higher degree when'he carries off a prize in the heart-union. 1-In the
statement of object on a discussion on matrimony'alWays comprises
many "-ifs" and- bt 3." It is true married folks may have a tiff or
two, but what is that '1if" for two when a single'man finds his shirt
without a "'but "'ot ?
BAC c.-If a: man will only believe what he seesq-he must be
perfectly incredulous as to his own back. This may hlp'-to explain
the reason'why the sin'of ingratitude is never confessed, for'he who
has turned his back upon his friend may truly say that he does not
see what the: other has to complain of. He may fanoy that for one
good turn he only rendered another.
D-BAn.-The security given by sureties for the:appearance 'bi, a
certain day'at a certain place of a person arrested. The greater the
amount of hot water he is in, the greater the spoon required to bail
him out. The' word-is not used with a plural termination, because
the end'of bail is to get some person in a singular position out of
some Sliat has already been connected with his -sending.

LOVE *
'( BY AN AV ICAN TRAVELLER.
S'YMARY JANE, I think of you,
SThough far in foreign lands I-roam,
The birthplace of the Yak and Gnu,
The vast Gorilla's native hoine!
My MARY JANE, of you I'think,
SWhen shines the moodlight' soft
and fair;
Wlierlions going down to drink,
Pass roaring by my'htnting-lair!
My MARY JANE, I think of you,
Your memories crowd upon my
brain,
Like flying herds of the Koodoo,
That thunder o'er the echoing,
plain!
l My MARY JANE, I think of you,
1 Absence my passion cannot stifle,
Love's by my side, whatever I do,
As surely as my trusty rifle!
I And, MARY JANE, if e'er the word
I plighted you I should forego,
May I, by Yaks and Elands gored,
Be stamped to death by Buffalo!

CALLED TO "THE BAR."
IN that remarkable fanny paper, the Era, the first page of which is
always a museum of theatrical curiosities, we find an advertisement
referring to a certain music hall at Leeds, which reads thus:-"Wanted,
a young lady, with undeniable references, who is a good pianist and
vocalist, and is competent to serve in the bar." The notion of uniting
the double with the treble X qualification, we believe to be perfectly
original, and if we usiderstand the duties required to be fulfilled, the
young lady will have, firstly, to accompany the bass singer, then to
answer the demand of the singer for a pint of Bass ; then to draw in
the concert-hall by a song, then to draw at the bar by working at the
beer-engine; then to take part ina trio, then to mix a fourpen'north;
then to play a solo, then to take the bar's rest as before, and so on,
untilthe young lady with the undeniable references finds it impos-
sible, through exhaustion, "to oblige again" with a composition of
any kind. Those, accustomed to the works of MEYERBEER, HANDEL,
JOLLY, and BOILDIEU would probably be preferred.

INTERESTING TO THE Y ENGAGED.-On what day of the week ought
people to get married ?P-Why, on Wed-nesday, to be sure!

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 9.
A TRIAL.

HAT with the Volatile'Review,
dear ANNE, andA lots 'of other
things, I quite forgot to sound
this letter, betbre; ed I begin
with this postbrib just- to tell
'you that it has been lying in
Smby drawersafor the lastweekor
so. MR. WIoreMS, a fliehd of
Sny husband's and a bannister
-by provision,- said that wo
should go away knowing
Snbthing of London if we didn't
visit the Old Hailey, and see
how .jt1tice was registered at
the Orimini Court. We resided
to go; and through the kindness
of one of the old women belong-
ing to the compilation of the
I' City of London, we wore incom-
fmoded with seats just below the
bench. The court is a very
gum-looking place, exoessivuly
dirty and stingy. There are a
lot of seats like pews, where the
bannisters sit. All these gentle.
men wdar wigs, which, I believe, are called hairs-at-law. They also
weat white' ties, bands, like his reference the palron, and gowns. Then
there is a gallery, and just underneathithis id thoe dooklwhero tho
criminies are placed. Then on one- side of thif'are areouple' of long
pews, where the gentlemen of the -Judy sit ;tnd' abbvd them'all is a
sort of landing, where the LORD MAYOII, the bld'W en,'and the judges
sit, with writing-desks before them. Below Wbyvtirydi are the attun-
nies, their clerks, and other solicitous people.
The judge was dressed in a long sort of' dtBlasiggown, a tippet
trimmed with vermin, and had a very reposing appearance. They
said his name was BARREN MILD; but if that was his name, it wasn't
his nature.
The first case which we heard was a persecution for surgery, or, as
I believe it is lawfully termed, pretty lasseny, as it was all about
running away with a young woman, and marrying her without her
father's provision, which he said he had. It's a wise child, my dear
ANNE, that knows its own father; and it turned out the father was her
unnatural parent, which, in law, as the learned console said, mnado him
a mere identity. So the son-in-law was equipped of the chargo,
which is a most important point in the flannels of justice. Soinm of
the leading consoles are called sergeants, and hold that rank in heo
army. We then saw a very desperate villain tried for having in his
position compliments ofjugglery. There was also a Mi. JAMES some-
thing (I couldn't catch the surname, but the police spoke of him as
JImsY), who was complicated in almost all the hilarious cases. But,
oh! ANNE, how many model complexions could we not draw with
these hideous spectacles before our eyes P
As I said to MARY, "You and I might both have been criminics if
we'd been brought up to it, but instead of that, here we are as innocent
as a Balaam." It made me cry to think that my dear husband might
have been vanished from me for ever, and I should have been trans-
ported. These are slumber thoughts, and spring from a clear inside
into the base part of human nature. But away with bitter brewing;
we are come up to town for pleasure, and the great question is, shall
I be able to get MR. H. to give me a season ticket for the Exhibition?
Hoping that in my next letter I shall be able to give you a fool account
of the first of May,-I remain, your affootionate sister,
MARY ANNE HODGKINSON.

STOP HIM.-The correspondent of a daily paper, writing from
Florence, says, "I must not omit to mention that the celebrated
Tuscan murderer, STOPPA, has been arrested." Wo can only express
our most unqualified delight on hearing that this gentleman has, at
last, had a stopper put upon his homicidal propensities, which appear
to have been so considerable.
THAT B. B. WILL BE THE DEATH OF TUS.-A learned judge-it is,
of course, quite superfluous for us to mention his name-asked a
friend of his, the other day, how it was that bees managed to get
honey from flowers? The riddle was given up, and the learned
judge replied, On abstract principles."

F-U N.

64

[MAY S, 1862.

UTNTFO1%TUN.ATE! lOI:R BODG-EI:.

THE NEW STEEL COLLARS AND WRISTBANDS ARE CAPITAL THINGS IN THEIR WAY; BUT BE WARNED BY POOR BODGER'S FATE, AND NEVER,
ON ANY ACCOUNT, WEAR THEM IN A THUNDER-STORM.

A MAY MEETING MADRIGAL.
WE are in that very month of May
When folks with faces grim and glum,
With much to do and more to say,
In sombre crowds amongst you come.
White cravat and garments black,
Style we dull and dreary call,
Mark the month and trace the track
Of missions held at Exeter Hall.
Clhors of Gontlemen in Black-For 'tis that very month, etc.
By speeches long and looks demure,
These meetings held in May are known,
With prejudices strong be sure,
Against all creeds except their own.
Hither flock the weaker sex,
Who turn the whites of eyes up sadly,
Draw your purse-strings, sign your cheques,
Or else the world will go on badly.
Chorus-For 'tis that very month, etc.
Queer old women, who think to blame
The follies of youth, their own excuse,
Protest that laughter is a shame,
That none should dare the world amuse.
Liberal hands dip into purse,
For distant heathens they have heeded,
But would those good old souls be worse
For helping those at home that needed ?
Chorus-In that very month, etc.

Now in this very month, I say,
That sees from hour to hour such hum-
(The second syllable add you may)-
Just think what would this world become,
If every one who wove such stuff,
Could thus a coat of drab be giving,
With Exeter Hall would exit enough,
To make life scarcely worth the living.
Full Chorus-And cloud that merry month of May,
When buds and blossoms bursting come,
To make the face of nature gay,
Teach lessons to the grim and glum.

A JUDGE OF ENGLISH.
THE LonR CHIEF BARON, the other day, objected to MR. HONEY-
wooD's using the word "dodge" in court. "It was not," he said,
"to be found in any of the dictionaries," of which, he asserted, there
were several "on the premises." But if this rule is to be applied,
what becomes of the language of the law? Has the Baron never
heard of the Artful Dodger? or is his reading confined to the Statutes
at Large ? We by no means uphold the general introduction of slang
into the English tongue, but when a word like "dodge" happens to
be the only word to express the thing, it would be affectation to object
to its use.

THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER is highly delighted with the
Volunteer Review at Brighton. He says it taxed the patience of the
railway company officials, it taxed the invention of the commanding
officers, and it taxed the energies and patriotism of the gallant corps.

FIT IT l-.-MAY 3, 1l2.

A

ai

"THE OPENING DAY."

ASTER DERBY (in a patronizing air) :-"NOW, MISS DIZZY, DEAR, YOU MUST RUN BACK HOME, COZ I'M
GOING TO HELP THESE FINE GENTLENEN INSIDE. (Aside) NOW, DON'T BE JEALOUS!"

~---

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MAr 3, 1862.] FI N 67

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
A NEW Lighting Company will be started among the stars next
month, underthe name of'the "In-Vesta and Aster-Risk Company."
A scheme has been set on foot for presenting the Moon with a testi-
monial, It is generally acknowledged that she does not give her
light for nothing, but as so many people have unfortunately gone on
the luna-tick system, she is in consequence badly off for funds,
(indeed we have heard that the Man in the Moon is nothing more
than a sheriff's officer in possession), and for the future she will,
we trust, be rewarded with a monthly remooneration.
IST OF MA.---Zodiacal sign for this Jack-in-the-Green Day-the
Chimini'"

I I, APRIL.

27 Z

28 M

Anniversary of the Revolt of the Choristers at, St; Paul's.
When asked to sing, they replied, We chanI't!"
Concert at South Kensington, at which CAPTAIN FOWE:
and the Exhibition Commissioners will sing, "Dome,
sweet dome!"
Weekly Revival of Old English Sports in Picoadilly-
Seeing how the cat jumps.
Opening of a new number of FUN by excited readers.
MAY.
Chimney Sweepers' Festival. The sweeps wil march with
fishing-roads to Turnham, and catch a Jack-in-the-
Green; they will then make several sweeping reforms;
plant a sweeping willow; and if there is.time, the head
chimney-sweeper, attended by his old cronies 'and;
chummies, will walk in his soot to openithe Exhibltiw
of 1862.
Country visitors gad about London in gad-flies. Also,-
dance of small tradesmen in Hyde Park.
Great. Fishing Day for booksellers; inspection of ne-
profits in the Stationers' Haul.

THE. FARM .
A great dealisteobe done. with a little:
reasonable grounds for undertaking, agricultural pursuits. A'" Farm.
of'Four Abres" may-be made highly productive. Commence as
foll6ws :.Gfit~ friend with a face-ache, a relative with a toothache.
an acquaintance with' an ear-ache, and yourself with a 'headache.
Having:thusI got together four achors, dig them in. the ribs and sow-
them up. This is the first step.
Read aswork on' Famacy.
Cditbl-thber 1Use.-Always keep a bull'near the house; when your
fie is low, bring him-intby force, his bellows will be'of great service.
Dogs.-Terriers should be shaved everymnorning and painted green.
This is not generally known..
ctts.i-Keep them in a mews:'
Hdw to make Beer.-Hire a vat man, and have at him.
'HoW to make Light Wihes: -Prbcure some fine bandied sherry at!
the lowest possible price; throwit on the fire: it will be a light wine
soon enough.
SGinger: 'Wine (so- useful for domestic purposes) is made by
squeezing the palms of the hands together until strangulation ensues.
Apply cosmetics and play the flute brilliantly; :ifhemorrhage sets in,
run away.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
The Management of the Stable.-The quotation you allude to is in
Hamlet, and runs thus :-King : "A nod is as good as a wink to a
blind horse;" to which the Queen replies, Let the galled jade wink,
our withers are unwrung." Insulted by this observation, Hamlet
exclaims, "At least we'll die with harness on our hacks;" on which
an equi-page enters, they all jump on his back, and ride off.
Shafts.-The invention of shafts for horses cannot be traced to LORD
SHAFTESBURY.
GAMES.
One-handed Whist.-A sweet game, played entirely with one hand,
the other being tied behind the player's back. The rules are the
.same as in ordinary whist, except that when a player is losing, ho
may kick the table over and'refuse to play.
Army and Khavey.-A capital game. Count two, and throw your
cards about the room. Ace-is the highest, unless any other arrango-
,ment has been entered into Aftor the first round of beef, out for
:Deal by the Dover express..
Blind Hookeo.-Take a pack of cards, go to the window, pull down
'the blind, and run away.
Picquet.--Very exciting. Drop a card, on the floor, beg your
partner's pardon, and pick it up.
Boo.-A very pretty game, invented by Sin JOHN PAKINOTON. Tho
top card of the pack is the highest, that at the bottom the lowest.
Aware of these fundamental principles, strike the light guitar, and
lawny to the hills.

LETTERS' EROM? A\ YOUNG' MARRIED LADY.
No. .V;-ABOUTJI'rTEliLUXURIES I SACRIFICED IN MARRYING
Mlt. BROWN.
REMARKABLE instance of mook
Humility, dear Mr. Editor,. was
afforded! yesterday by my most
Sunfortunately constituted lDnew. He
has positively insisted,-yes, insisted,
-thatneither JOHN nor CoNRAD shall
wait at table when we dine alone
When I left my dear mamma in
Bloomsbury-square, to enter the bliss-
ful state (blissful fiddlestick, I say),
I was under the impression that
I was leaving a somewhat uncom-
fortable, not to say a decidedly
restricted home (for in truth dear
mamma was an. admirable manager)
for one of luxury combined with real
dignity. Poor dear mamma, with an
income of a most limited description,
never forgot what was duo to hersolfl
and, to do her justice, I do not think
that she would properly have digested
S her dinner if it had not boon served
by a male servant .even though that
male servant was only HUBERT the
boot and shoe boy. Now, in my
home of hluury, I find that I am
S positively obliged to wait on myself.
Ii am but a poor crushed woman,
dear Mr. Editor; but if EDWIN thinks
that I am going to submit to the
indignity of eating my meals without
a footman behind my chair, or that I
am going to allow JOHN and CONRAD,
after they have placed the dishes on the table, to march out of the
room and hot make their appearance again until he thinks fit to ring
for the next course, why, I can only say that for once he is mistaken.
Would you believe it, that he urges, as a reason for this preposterous
behaviour, that the presence of two strapping men behind one's chair
at dinner checks and restrains the flow of agreeable conversation,
and that matters which pass between us are carried down to the
servants' hall, and there commented upon and.discussed. But as far
as agreeable conversation is concerned, I can only say this, that not
one single word will EDWIN extract from me during dinner unless both
JoHN and CONRAD are present; and as to their commenting on the
conversation that passes between us, I should like to know what he
has to say to me, or I to him, which he or I need be afraid of their
knowing ?-Sincerely yours,
Kensington Palace Gardens. ANOELINA BROWN..

68 IF 1 [MAY 3, 1862.

-..

A BIT OF RUSTIC NATURE.
BSmple Youth :-" BUT JOHNNY BEANT MUCH OF A SCHOLAR, BE HE "
More Learned Party:-"WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU AND ME WOULDN'T KNOW NOTHING IF WE
WASN'T LEARNT, SHOULD US ?"

rr~j: WlvaP~

PAN AT THE PLAY.
LET us respect the old traditions. Easter Monday is a time for
spectacles and burlesques, not for blood-and-thunder melodramas.
Standing on my rights, and sitting in my easy-chair, I claim to be
exempted on this festive anniversary from ghosts, poisonings, and
homicidal exhibitions in general. If managers will insist upon pro-
ducing things of this kind on such an occasion, I take my signal
revenge upon them by declining to be a spectator. The sudden
transition from salt fish to roast beef is quite a sufficient trial for my
digestion without supping on melodramatic black-puddings.
There are only two new burlesques this Easter, Mn. WILLIAM
BROUGH'S extravaganza at the St. James's having been postponed, on
the all-sufficient ground that the house contains every evening as
much money as it will hold, so that a new entertainment is clearly
not yet needed. When I say that there are only two burlesques, I
am not forgetting that there is a farrago of rubbish enacted at the
New Royalty, called the Lady of the Lake, which is pointless, save in
those passages which are vulgar. MR. TAYLOR, who is the author of
this vapid bosh, makes in it his first, and let me hope his last, attempt
at a class of dramatic composition of the first principles of which he
is obviously entirely ignorant. His inanity would not be worth
mentioning at all, but that it has introduced to the London stage a
debutante, Miss LILLIE LONSDALE, who is full of promise, both vocal
and histrionic. It is only to be regretted that she should have made
her first appearance in a mass of utter trash, which no genius could
make endurable.
Mn. LEICESTER BUCKINGHAM'S burlesque of Pizarro, at the Strand,

is a great success. MR. WILLIA CALLCOTT'S scenery is exquisitely
beautiful, and so complicated that, regard being made to the size of
the stage, it is impossible to conceive where it is taken from, or how
it is put away when it is done with. MR. FRANK MUSGRATE has made
a charming selection of music, fresh, sparkling, and nowhere common-
place; and the dresses are perfection. The acting is admirable. MB.
ROGERS is, of course, an inimitable Cora; Miss SAUNDERS, a superbly
intense and vigorously acrobatic Roll; Miss ADA SWANBOROUGH, a
pert and admirably effective Alonzo; Miss BurTON, a thoroughly
artistic Elvira; and MR. J. CLARKE, a most grotesque Pizarro. In the
foremost rank, too, shines Miss FANNY JOSEPHS, fascinating bynature
and accomplished in art. Her Ataiba was a gem of burlesque acting,
and the occasional imitations of Lord Dundreary were happily con-
ceived and capitally carried out.
MR. F. C. BURNAND has furnished the Olympic with a capital
travestie of. Fair Rosaumod, whose somewhat blotchy fame he
whitewashes after the approved modern fashion. The dialogue
sparkles with the quaint conceits which seem to flow spontaneously
from his witty pen; there are puns galore, and, better still, touches of
genuine humour, for the absence of which no mere word-jingling could
atone. MR. ROBSON was of course inimitable as Queen Eliner; his
make up was perfect, and his acting would have shaken the sides of an
anchorite. Pretty Miss COTTRELL made a charming King Hemry; and
MB. G. COOKE, as usual, proved himself to be one of the soundest of
living artists. Nobody need be in a desperate hurry to see this bur-
lesque, for it will doubtless run for months to come.

A BREACH OF TRusT.-Knocking down a turnpike-gate.

-EXTREMES MEET.
WE quote the following from a morning
paper :-
POPIH PACTICEas In A PROTESTAJT CHuwCH.
-Yesterday morning (Easter Sunday), at the
early celebration of the Holy Communion at
St. Giles's Church, Oxford, there wereno fewer
than fourteenwax candles burning. The vicar
of the parish is the REv. GEOBn MAaTIE Bue-
LOCK, B.D., fellow of St. John's College."
The chief performer in the ceremony,
the vicar, is well named, as it is quite
natural to expect a Bullock in the midst
of Oxon. We fancy, however, from his
acts, that there is not much savouring
of JOHN BuLL about the reverend gentle-
man, whose tendencies seem strongly
inclined to Rome, and also to roam from
their proper path. A little while ago,
MB. SPURGEON immersed some of his
full-grown congregation in token of bap-
tism. The two extremes, therefore, of
Churchmen-High and Low-may here
be said to meet; for, if the former is
celebrated for his candles,-got, most
likely, like all things connected with the
Romish Church, from "the fat of the
land,"-the latter is equally celebrated
for his dips.

IROICAL LINES.
No longer, poet, lavish sonnet or
Ode or epic on the Monitor;
Though she was mighty in attack,
And put to rout the Merrimac,
Our trial down at,Shoeburyness
Will make her rivets start, I guess.
Her speed must be more great, her tower
rounder,
Her armour thicker, and her iron sounder,
To save her from our great three hundred
pounder.*

Line added by Printer's Devil-
"Yes, lhhat will make a hole in her, confound
her!"

MAY 8, 1862.] FU 69

"1MAY DIFFERENCE OF 'OPINION," ETC.

'Arry has read the official notice that gentlemen will be place&;.
in the reserved seats at the Exhibition "according to their choice.-
of dress."-He wants:to know "'Oo'll'ave the front reserved seat ifty
it ain't im ?"

AN, AD-DRESS
TO THE COMMISSIONERS 'DO. THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION.
MESSIEURS Commissioncri
Great Exhibitioners,
Consider, ere this rule you' do enforce,
For ranging us by clothes, how such a course
In its first principal condition errs,
It's true nine tailors can construct a man,
But that's all outside, and outside of MOSES'
A dummy man of this sort, as one knows, is;
And that's an argument against your plan,
Whereby each one selected by his clothes is.
Please to reflect, some peers,
To whom this land of ours owes many thanks
Like certain.of our gallant volunteers,
Are notably not prone to dress their ranks."

Your rule turns back the Loan or BROUGHAM AND V'AUX
For that
Remarkably bad hat,
Of which the little world at Cannes so talks;
While into the front seats unquestioned walks
Young CORNET TOOTLES of the Horse Marines,
In yellow lace, blue jacket, and white jeans.
He, while his better is compelled to lack it,
Sits where the foremost semicircle curves,
Because'his tailor's chanced to "trim his jacket,"
Not quite in the same way that he deserves!
Why, it's a positive enormity,
This, your newfangled Act of Uniform-ity!

What fancy ever could your minds possess,
To make you lay down this sartorial law ?
Was't that, how ill FOWKE can design you saw, -
So wished to see how nicely folk could dress ?
Or did your friend and pitcher,
INSPECTOR WHICHER,
Hint how wouldd aptly signalize the "job,"
To have the front seats filled with a Swell Mob ?

Or did some noted stitcher
Propose the plan,
Some clothing-man,
Who's managed to grow richer
By a small pittance giving
To weary workwomen, who take
His piece-work for their piece-meal, and.so make
A very sew-sew living?
Anyhow, gentlemen, accept a hint
From one, who ventures modestly to print
i: What his impression-is upon the question;
And his suggestion"
Is this-Why should you precedents provider
And an ensample this poor world to guide,,
Already fa'too prone,
As is well known,
To judge of anythingjpy the outside
And superfioialgilding,
When,yo r: own building ,.
If judged-of simply. on the aame condition, ,
Might be a faQtory, uniontihose, a sort
Of goods-shed, barrackcaqyhing, in short,
ExoeptiabmntexiamtioWaBWhibition.

"'EDUCATION"' AGAIN.
& T was our painful duty, a few
weeks since, to direct attention to
an advertisement headed Educa-
tion," which, to judge from: the
style of its composition. was
probably compiled by, a tipsy
footman. Here is, another
specimen:-
E DUCATION. Intentional Ex-
hibition.-A ladyI the mother of
large family, andxpeienoemrishes for
Children to Eduoaterwith her own,
as she disapproves f school treatment,
she proposes aherz, a matter l home.
She haI very large pl ground and
Sarden, Terms monthly and moderato.
Situation three miles south of London.
Alpha, etc.

-rs-- -q

We were taught at school that
necessity is the mother of inven-
"'= "- 'tion, but until we road this
advertisement, we had no idea
that "Alpha" was the mother of experience. The mother of
experience, it appears, highly disapproves of school treatment, and
this assertion is fully borne out by the advertisement itself, which
suggests that the lady in question does not confine her dislike to the
mere treatment adopted in schools, but even goes so far as to condemn
the instruction imparted as unnecessary and pedantic, more especially
as regards the use ofthe definite and indefinite articles. We don't clearly
understand why she calls her treatment a maternal home; nor do we
see the connexion between the words." International Exhibition" and
the body of the advertisement. But experience has taught us that
while advertisements for "Want Places" are usually worded in a
sufficiently grammatical manner, those headed "Education" are
remarkable for a disregard of the most ordinary rules of English
composition.

A RIVAL.
ON the placard outside the office of the Evening Star, after other
lines of contents of the paper, came the following, thus.:-
BRIGHTON EXCURSION.
DREADFUL RAILWAY ACCIDENT.
Now, imagine a mother, father, sister, brother, or other relative o, a
volunteer or excursionist passing the office, suddenly catching sight
of these lines, staggering with sudden shock, and frantically purchas-
ing a copy of the paper; then the glorious joke, when they opened
the sheet, and found that the accident was not at Brighton at all, but
in Italy. The two lines were placed to attract the eye and connect
the idea of Brighton and railway accident; of course, it is pre-
posterous to think they were placed thus to enhance the sale of the
paper : but fancy the publisher and boys alive with merriment at the
anxious and hurried looks of the relative purchasers. It is hardly
fair for a newspaper to usurp the functions of FuN.

70 FUN.

SONG

HvaURH!
Of the b
We're the
And wh,
We're free
Marking oi
Upheld
Oh! for th
Of ramp
1 Oh! for th
Honest
Were thrm
\\ In the reig
ili. The reig

SHAKSPEARIAN ANNIVERSARY.
ON Wednesday, the 23rd of April, the birth of the Immortal Bard
was celebrated by all sorts of festivities, but especially dinners. We
have been favoured, through the kindness of several correspondents,
with brief abstracts of these interesting meetings.
Grand Annual Dinner at the Blue Bore.-On this occasion MR.
JoNss, an ardent admirer of the works of the great poet, gave a
dinner to himself in honour of SHAKSPEARE. The usual loyal anchovy
toast was proposed as the cloth was being removed, but, owing to the
state of the club's funds, was declined. MR. JONES did not separate
himself from the waiter until some time after the meal was concluded,
in consequence of a dispute as to the genuineness of a certain coin
tendered in payment.
Dinner at the Shakspeare Head.-MR. ROBINSON, to whom commen-
tators of the Swan of Avon must for ever feel deeply indebted, gave
a splendid repast in honour of the glorious WILLIA. Among the
company we noticed MR. BRowN, who, on noticing us, for certain
pecuniary reasons quitted the room. The dinner passed off very
well, and after the usual and unusual toasts had been proposed and
drunk with acclamations, the company locked the doors and left by
the windows, refusing to pay the little bill in honour of the great
WnILLAM.
Dinners at the Rainbow Tavern.-From five o'clock until past seven,
several dinners were served, of course in honour of SHAKSPEARE,
though this was not distinctly stated.
All through the day there were breakfasts, dinners, luncheons, teas,
Ssuppers, and various other meals in honour of SHAKSPEABE.
I.

[MA 3, 1862.

OF THE BRIGANDS.
.HE GLORIOUS THREE.
hurrah! for the conquering sway
rigands bold and free,
curse of the land, the people say,
at for that care we!
to come, we're free to go,
ur course with blood and woe,
by the "Glorious Three!"
e rare old times again
ant tyranny!
e days when honest men-
fools, say we-
st in prisons dark and drear,
n of misery, vice, and fear,
n of one of the Three!

And who is the man that shall strike us
down?
Not VICTOR -EMANUEL, not he,
For we're backed by the POPE, with his triple
crown,
And his benediction free!
Yes! on the head of each brigand's son
Rests the blessing, the benison
Of the holiest of the Three!
Hurrah! for the Bourbon! One.cheer more
For the head of our chivalry!
Hurrah! for the king with his golden store
The richest of the Three;
He fills the purse, he points the brand,
He sharpens the sword for the murderer's
hand,
And well for his gold pay we!
All hail to the Third! Oh! mightier far
Than Pope or King is he;
He is our bright and guiding star,
He is our cher ami !
He pulls the strings, he jerks the wires,
And we do but move as he desires,
This mightiest of the Three!
And so, hurrah! for the conquering sway
Of the brigands bold and free,
And come who may to stop our way,
Oh! not a jot care we;
We're free to ravage, torture, and kill,
To pillage and burn at our own sweet will,
Upheld by the Glorious Three !"

At a large orange-stall, near Covent Garden, two little boys were
seen eating an apple, evidently in honour of SHAKSPEARE; while a
gentleman, well known in the world of art and literature, took a
cold collation in the shape of an Abernethy biscuit and a glass of
water, which he swallowed as 'quickly as he could, in honour of
SHAKSPEARE.
I myself (says our large-hearted correspondent) walked about all
day in honour of SHAKSPEARE, and looked in at the hotel and cook-
shop windows; and, being unable to dine, went to bed at half-past
eight in honour of SHAKSPEARE.

PLAYFUL DIPROMPTU.
Supposed to have been written by a lady to her impatient husband, who
was waiting to take her to the Adelphi Theatre, and affectionately
inscribed by her to a great sensation author.
MY dearest Tox, Ive lost my gloves!
Now, find 'em, there's a man, Tom;
My lorgnette's gone, my best of loves,
And have you seen the fan, TO ?"

SWHY THE CAMBRIDGE BOAT DIDN'T WnI.-Because the wind biew
anything but a light blue.
A WAR-CRY FOR THE DEvI'S OWN."-" The Old Harry-stocracy for
ever!"
SotTO VOCE.-A thick utterance, interspersed with hiccups!

London: Printed and Publshed (for the Preprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, May 3, 1862.

MAY 10, 1862.]

FU NT.

LETTERS FROMI HIGH LATITUDES.-No.10.

g.1 A .1

I- MRS. HODGKINSON IS PRESENT AT THE OPENING OF THE EXHIBITION.
DE.AR ANNE,-Oh! my goodness! I am so glad it's all over at last! After being
in a state of expectoration for several days, devious to Thursday, we are now suffering
from a retraction. Truth to tell, I've been laid up in bed for several days, but am
f now down in the parlour, being brought very low. But I must give you a retailed
description of the opening of the Enterational Exhibition, which came off on Thursday
last.
Ma. H. had procured season tickets for himself, MARY, and me, so we went early.
Such a crowd along the road! Half of them from the four quarters of the globe-
/T Jews, Turks, Invidious, and Harry Ticks, with Myhommyduns, and others whose
names can be more easily disparaged than subscribed.
We showed our tickets, passed on, and, after a great deal of scrambling, in
which I lost my mantle-for the pelisse derangements were thoroughly evanescent-
we foundered ourselves in a very good suspicion, which really belonged to somebody
0 0k else, where we could get a view of the whole profession as it winded itself along.
'After waiting a long time in a state of expense, there was a mamma through the
crowd that the profession was approaching. Oh! my dear ANNE, it was grand in the
S extremities. First came the trumperies of the Life Guards, all in full unicorn, their
coats quite dizzy with gold and utensils. They gave us their airs as they went along.
After them came a lot of detractors, soupers, and defendants walking in a body.
S" These were proceeded by HER MAJESTY'S petitioners for the building. Then there
came more detractors; and after them a degrader, who did the ornaments of the
building. But all eyes were turned upon a gentleman, of whom I had heard so much;
he writes poetry, and deposed a node for the occasion. Some one said he was called
the Poet or' he ate, because he was so fond of his dinner, but he didn't look like it.
Ma. H. told me that he ought to have been accompanied by the Lord Chant Seller,
but he wasn't. Then we saw the Lord Provoked of Glasgow, the Mare of York, and
two other mares; as a Scotch gentleman sitting behind us observed, The mair the
merrier," but they were all as grave as judges. Behind these walked a man with a
*ysi ilver sort of-I don't know exactly what, but they call it a mace; Mn. H. says
because it looks so spicey, but that's only his fun, and he must have his fun as he
paid for the tickets. And with the mace came the sword-barer; but he didn't bare
it, as it was covered all the time. Then came the LORD MARE OF LONDON with all
the giraffes of London and Middlesex. Then there were a lot of people belonging to
the gardens, with a sectary whose name I couldn't hear. After these came the chairmen
Sof the Judies; they had no chairs with them, but I suppose they were a remission of
the old times when people used to ride about in sedate chairs. My attention was next
called to the active Petitioner of the Calumnies,-I mean the calumnies belonging to
England, such as Austria, British Guano, and the Onion Isles. After admiring these
gentlemen (I was getting so hungry, and had an attack of pins and needles, which I
thought would be followed by a stitch-but I am interrupting the thread of my story),
we took a good look at the Foreign Active Petitioners, one of whom came from
Hanover (Square, I suppose), and another was an Austere man. Then came the
en thusiastics in their economicals, looking very pleasant and religious; the party I
elude to was the Prime Meat of England with his wicked general, and DOCTOR TATm
(they call him doctor because he has the cure of souls), who was accompanied by
the Archchicken of Middlesex and the incompetent of the parish.
S--Dear me! I am quite forgetting all the ministers from the Houses of Lords and

VOL. II.

____

71

__

72

Commons, the American Minister, and mem-
bers of several foreign dictations, not for-
getting the gentlemen attached to the French
imbecile, who were all celebrated jparish-
ioners. There was a tall, brown gentleman,
who they said was PRINCE HUSKY, of Sweden.
And among the foreign probabilities none
were more promiscuous than the jumping
knees ambassadors, who appeared very sub-
servient and attentive.
The profession went up until it came right
under the western doom; here was placed a
chair of state, but I couldn't exactly cce what
they did with it. The National Lantern was
then sung, and there was an addrccs by the
Early Grateful (whoever he may be), which
was desponded to by Camebreeches Great
Duck, who was suffering from the gout-quite
a Martha. Then came a magnificent burst of
music. I was getting so thirsty, when strange
enough I heard that there was to be a com-
position of More Beer in the orchestra; they
kept it all to themselves, however, and we
got nothing. I heard a good deal concerning
a coral of STUNDALE BENT, professor of music,
about which there seems to have been some-
thing of a quarrel between MR. BENT and an
Italian costermonger. Thentherewas grand
march by O'BAnR, an, Irishman. So you see
foreigners haven't the music all to themselves.
The profession then dissembled in the sentry,
and after the BISHOP OF LONDON had caid an
horizon to heaven, a grand chorus was shunted,
after which the Duck said that the Exhibition
was open, which it had been for a long time,.
or how could we have been in there ? The
trumperies sounded their carrions; a disso-
lute was fired; the harriers were removed,
and all of us walked about and suspected the
building, until the bells sounded with such a
languor that every one was driven out of the
place, all as tired as possible, which I am
now, and so good-bye !-Yours truly,
MARY ANNE HODGKrISOr.

COLNEY HATCH.
DEAR FUN,-Pray excuse this; do publish
it; don't be frightened:-
Which is the nearest way for a young un-
married lady to go to the Royal Italian
Opera P-Through a beau's treat, to be sure!

Assizs INTELLIGENCE.-A gentleman, who
was in court during the hearing of a cause at
the assizes recently held at Kingston, says
that it seemed perfectly clear to him who was
right when he had only heard the counsel
for the plaintiff; but that when the one for
the defendant had replied, he was rendered
confused; and became, in fact, like the two
"learned friends" themselves, bothered (both
heard) on the subject!
No one should evince surprise at the
princely sum of 8,700 paid for FaITH's paint-
ing of the "Railway Station," when it is
known it is a FLATOU (flat who) bought it.-
[By a disappointed man of colour.]
INTELLECTUAL CON. HY A CIVIL SERVICE
CANDIvDAr.-What is the best thing to cram
for a competitive examination ? College
pudding.
Wnr is the Exhibition building like a
faulty photograph? Because it's badly
FoWKE-ussed.
WnEN is Mr. PUELPS like the IMerrimac ?-
When he appears in Ion (iron).
Oua MAIN DRAINAoG.-Taxation.

FU N.

THE BOTCHERBY PAPERS.
401. 4=-- -Cd

On Monday-April twenty-eight-
Did the Commons congregate,
They met in ample time
For their Easter pantomime;
The House its leisure moment fills
With writs, petitions, and private bills.
The Bill for the Inland Revenue
Then created some to-do;
Sin S. NORTHCOTE made himself busy
To get the House to wait for DIZZY,
Who meant to speak, but was not there,
As he was dining with the Mayor;
GLADSTONE took this poor pretext,
And put the Bill for Thursday next-
(Jnless he's better than of late,
What need for DIzzy thus to wait?)
His opinion, then, GENERAL PEEL
On the Reserved Fund did reveal,
Some of which SIR CORNEWALL LEWIS
Admitted very true is;.
DE LACY EVANS and LonD HOTHAM
Discussed the subject PEEL had got 'em.
The House the Civil Estimates
In Committee next debates;
Lots of items safely passed,
And one vote alone was cast
For Highland R ad REpairr,
Which Ma. WILLIAMS kicked down stairs.
WHALLEY let not the day pass
Without making himself an ass.
The House, in numbers rather few,
Adjourned a quarter before two.
On Tuesday-April twenty-nine-
Did the Lords again combine,
But only on the first of May
To appoint a holiday.
In the Commons, of bigot Spain
Did KINNAI D and LAYARD complain.
His scheme did COCHRANE fail to effect,
Our public buildings to inspect-
The Admiralty and Office Foreign,
And the Pall Mall War rabbit-warren-
By the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
CowPEr backed, kept up his pecker.
Customs and Inland Revenue next
HORSFALL wished to have annexed,
As one Board is better than two,
But GLADSTONE said it wouldn't do.
PAM did then the sitting fix
For Thursday-not till six.
Then the House went to Supply,
And Ma. SELWYN had a try
To upset the vote (but fails)
For Romish chaplains for the jails;
WHALLEY seized the opportunity
For showing bigotry with impunity;
NEWDEGATE, too, of course,
Came the fanatic in full force;
DizzY some manoeuvres made
To please the POPE'S own Brass Brigade.
Wednesday-April thirty-was spent
By the Commous in argument,

*[MAY 10, 1862.

Which first EsTcOUIT did provoke,
Who of Provident Societies spoke;
And then CRAWFOIID did protract
On the IUctropolis Management Act,
Of which two clauses were defeated,
At six the M.P.'s retreated.
On Thursday-first of May-
The Exhibition day,
At six the Commons met,
And through a little work did get.
The Bill for Irish Markets and Fairs
Got another step upstairs,.
Spite of some long delaying
About "compulsory weighing."
Irish Birth and Death Registration
Received some ventilation.
Irish Summary Jurisdiction
Was the House's next infliction,
Whereon some talk of dogs oo-cur-red;
The Bill was at last referred.
And the members homeward sped,
Glad, no doubt, to get to bed.

SIX USEFUL RECIPES.
For a Political Speech.-Compliment the
intelligence of the electors. Allude to every-
thing in general, nothing in particular.
Throw in a dash of patriotism, season with
sauce piquante as to divorce laws. Abuse
church rates. Slightly flavour with intention
of cutting down estimates, but determination
to preserve the efficiency of the country's
defences. Complete with a resolve to.sap.prt
"measures, not men."-N.B. For a London
borough a good mixture of abuse served"Bat
is indispensable.
For an Original Play.-Half drown your
heroine. Throw in a gymnastic star. Pepper
with a little varnished, claptrap. Have a riot
quelled by priest. Add a little ghost business
to taste. Pour over all a, soupqon of double
entendre, but end with virtue triumphant.
Serve up with flourish of paper trumpets.
For a Testimonial Adcdress.--frst pour in a
good amount of personal depreciation Batter
the recipient ad lit. Cull a few quotations
from the national poet. Leave the impres-
sion that altogether there never was such a
man as the testimonial-taker. Allude to the
ladies present. Wind up with palmarm ui
meruitfcrat.-N.B. This is a splendid ingre-
dient, and never fails.
For a "Sensation" Novel.-Introduce half-
a-dozen characters, each in a separate chapter.
Make them all break off abruptly. Write
minute accounts, ending suddenly. Take a
hundred pages to describe what might be
condensed into one. Blow up your villain.
Poison your heroine. Kill your hero in a duel.
Publish in three volumes.
For a Theatrical Advertisement.-Head
your title in capitals. Give a synopsis of the
plot. Be modest, but state, on the whole,
your play is rather better than SHAKSPEARE.
Peremptorily declare, how long it will be
played, and when. withdrawn. Ignore the
words "under approval." If any critique
appears unfavourably, withdraw your adver-
tisements from.the paper in question.
For a Witty Style of Conversation.-Study
FUN.

ISLAND No. 10.-We see that this island is
in the hands of the Federals; or, in other
words, under their FOOTE.
ISLAND No. L-England, of course.

~

M&Y 1, 1862.] IF T T I 73

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
ALANCE.-A pair of scales for
weiLhing commodities, consisting
of a beam or lever suspended
exactly in the middle, with a scale
hung to each extremity of precisely
equal weight. Some are made
with wheel, on the principle that
where there's a wheel there's
always a weigh. If accounts have
to be balanced, the waits should
be.as little aspossible. Burlesques
are welcome oddities, generally
got fap on .scales regardless of
expense.
BA]L.-An assembly for danc-
i ig. Somebody gives the ball,
a~eL whoever is invited and does
not go catches it. A fancy ball
is for those who prefer uncomfort-
S able dresses, which are usually
worn less as a matter of fancying
,than as a matter of acting. A
masked ball is where prudent
people conceal themselvesas muoh
as possible, and where ethers are
present that you woead imagine
had better have kept themselves
S out *of sight altogether, although
yaou find tlhem anaseke itig. A'
county ball has its dcaorum n maintained by the strict dberaaooe-.eof
certain established usages, and introductiOs wae reqgaiite to give
confidence to the shier.
BArLLAD.-A short song with a rve~ylifile meaning, generally of not
above two verses, and which verses as frequently too much for one
to understand, sir. The lines are of various lengths, but how far they
will go down to posterity entirely depends on the running of the
composer's strains.
BALLET is derived from the Italian ballate, signifying a dance-song,
which may be the reason why, at the Italian opera, the entertain-
ment of the erratic hop and the operatic entertainment are so closely
allied. In a ballet, various passions and emotions are supposed to be
represented by the movements and gestures of the performers, and
thus, though it is all dumb show, for every question put you ought to
get a good dancer. Spreading an imaginary tablecloth over the head
of a person kneeling is supposed to represent the bestowal of a blessing;
whilst slapping the left side, combing the face with the fingers of the
right hand, and then standing on one leg, with the other considerably
elevated, is considered equivalent to a passionate declaration of lovo.
The symbolic movements of the ballet-dancer have always, indeed, to
receive a leg oracle interpretation. A ballet, appealing less to the
mind than to the eye, is, therefore, generally regarded with most
favour by the "eye" classes of society.
BALLOON.-A large silk bag filled with gas, to which a car is at.
tached. This is used. by balloonatics for making ascents in it, and
with so little reason generally, that the idea has been almost aban-
doned of ever making a sense out of it. In public gardens a balloon
is frequently employed for getting up stares, a number of spectators
being collected to watch the aeronaut in the passage, and to shout
after him on the first landing. Great expectations have been raised
by the balloon with regard to important discoveries, but'there has
been little more observed than that when the voyagers have attained
a considerable altitude, the fear at most is extremely common, and the
atmosphere is extremely rare.
BALLOT.-A mode of secret voting which is adopted with success in
clubs where the -result is not publicly proclaimed, but which could
hardly be introduced into the House of Commons where there are
always tellers. The devotees of the ballot maintain that it would
effectually prevent bribery, and that thus you would not be liable
to be winked at by the "ayes," or led by the noess." On the other
hand, it is argued that it would increase corruption by enabling the
voter to take bribes from both sides without being discovered, putting
his finger to the noess" whilst he closed with the "ayes." It is,
however, certain that a conscientious man having a secret vote would
not be likely .to "split."

QUERY BY A:STATUARY.-What body of men stand highest in public
estimation ?-The ALBERT Memorial Committee, by a Cu ITr.

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
THERE have been several satellites revolving about the Sun, but have
not yet settled what they will do with it.
Several stars are fixed for next week.
A new drama by Jupiter, with scenery by Jingo, has been brought
out at the Theatre Royal Gemini with startelling cifects.
The New Georgium Sidus Cellars are now open.
We are sorry to state that there have been several complaints about
the irregularity of Sirius ; we also hear that a Nebula is missing.
To the Astronomer Royal we answer, Yes; you can ascertain the true
worth of Saturn as you can that of a shilling, by his rings. We
ball give no further information.
An astronomer lately made an observation of which we shall take no
notice.
MAY.

4 The BisjoP osr LONDON dines at an.ordinary.
5 M Ascent of Snow Hill by members of the Alpine Club.
Each gentleman will wear an Alpine took in his
buaton'hole.
6 Tu DAY and 'MNRTIN's Centenary Festival. President, the
King of Snushia. Dinner of kick shoes; after which
will be recited an .ode written by WARREN's poet,
PaoFEss~e BLACKIE. Chorus in toe-toe, Bootilul I
bootiful "
7 W FUN-anoial aemtgements in Fleet-street.
8 TE Revival of kld English Sports. Jumping at an offer
(invented'by OFFA the King). Insulted equestrians
take a feane. Mock fight in smockfrocks.
i. F High jinks, wMilLthe usual adjinks. [At least, I jink so-
ED.]
Oi S fiaturdaysaliainapuour of.the Adelphi Phantom in a state
of Dotage.

Be careful in your seleotiea.f a gardener. IEfy1o t~ your plums,
charge him with the theft; he will lose:li pEh,tindlbe unable to say
a word. Pay him in-tbhe *mann coin of your garden, and bind him
over to keep the peas.
How to make a Cutting from Apple-trees.-Go up to your apple-troo
boldly; stand there until tired, then cut from it.
To Shorten Distances in your Garden.-If your grccnholon is a
quarter of a mile from your house, go to your tobacconist, and then
take some short cut to your greenhouse.
For mere ornament plant nothing but buttercups; you will then be
justified in exclaiming, Lack a daisy I "
Sweet Peas should be trained up short poles, but a pretty effect may
be obtained 1,iy training a creeper up a tad-pole.
In reply to several questions on the subject, we once for all inform
our correspondents that we never saw a melted-butter tree, and don't
believe that there is such a thing.
Fancy aardening.-Procure a neck of land, and sow wild onts. In
due time you may expect to see them turned out neck and crop.
Fruit Garden.-The pear blossoms are now coming out. If you
wish to keep'the birds away, climb up into the pear-tree, and make a.
pearoration in any sort of jargonelle you like.
-Ribston Pippins.-As the head of a family wishing to improve the
tone of those under your care, take your family and servants every
morning before breakfast to your Ribstone pippin tree, and teach
them from its branches this moral, Let us live opplely together."
Then return to your house, and grumble at everybody.
Plants.-Give your plants as much light and air as possible. To
this end, if the night is dark, go out with a lantern (taking care not
to let the lantern go out with you), and whistle a tune.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Melanwto ty.-In answer to your question we answer angrily (having
visited several nursery grounds on purpose to obtain correct infor-
mation) that there is no fruit called tambourine.
Plummy complains that he will have only two greengages in his
garden this year. "PLUmmy must go to his solicitor's, and buy
some mortgages, which should be planted immediately.
Raisin Y. wants to know what he is to do with cherry-stones at a
large diner party? Swallow them.
Lettuce Alone.-Your proverb requires qualification. "It's never too
late to mend;" but it's often too late to sow.
Pick-a-Dilly.-Water your garden with DArrT's Elixir; you may
expect a seasonable return of daffy-dowx-dillies.

No. XVIII.--TE CRUISE OF THE "EMILY ST. PIEBB."
HIInU JACK! My old eyes and sky-scrapers!
If here ain't a pretty to-do!
'Bout the Em'iy St. Pierre in the papers
And how she was took by her crew.
Now, the Em'ly St. Pierre (from the Indies
For Bnunswick) off Charleston was laid,
When the Yankees come making their shindies,
And swore as she'd broke the blockade.
To the Florida, anchored to leeward,
They made most of her sailors to sheer,
And left-only cook, cap'n, and steward
On board of the B m'ly St. Pierre-
And. STONE; their lieutenant, did board her,
And took sixteen hands for a crew;
Which you'd fancy they might keep in order
CAP'N WuLsoN and them other two.
But WiLsoN, why, bless yer, 's a Briton,
And the cook and the steward's the same-
AMd says they, Some bright notion we'll hit on
As 'll spile Brother JowATHaN'S game !"
So the second day after the taking,
As the master's mate slept on his bag,
They cotched tim, just while he was waking,
And rigged up his jaw with agag.
Then Wnrsomabred STONE in hia cabin
To prick the ship's course on the chart;
And cotched him, and to hinder his blabbin,
Had a gag in his month pretty smart.
Then three of the crew he next pokes all
Secure neathh the aft-scuttle hatch;
And they likewise shuts upin the fo'k'sle
The whole of the under-deck watch.
Then they parleyed with t'other chaps forrard,
And stowed 'em below for the trip;
But they just one or two of'em borrowed
To help 'em to handle the ship.
Thus short-handed they crossed the wide water,
And brought the good vessel to port,
Though a terrible hurricane caught her,
And. the tiller was broke away short.

So they served Uncle SAt wicey worsy,
For the Em'ly St. Pierre git off free,
And here she is, safe in the Mersey,
Not off Philadelphy, d'ye see!
I say, JACK! will them land-lubbers patter
'Bout tars being put on the shelf?
Why them three jolly tars, for that matter,
Would 'a taken the Monitor herself.
The cap'n of a trader, by pluck, J.cK,
With the cook and the steward, d'ye see.
Took sixteen man-of-war's men! My luck, JAm:!
What a tramp that chap WILSON must be!

WANTED, SOME DEVILS.
I-0 LL the world is pathelly well
aware that the o implfatedomestica-
Stion of the spirits of dankness is
one of the proudest triumphs of
British civilization. All the world,
mnoreovei, is aware that certain
gentlemen make large fortunes by
the exhibition to the public, at
per head, of their own private
Shig y-teiae dweiles. But is the
Swoad awas how these same
spirited me btaimed? Does it
know th proper steps to be taken
by on e"wbo Wirhe to become the
tfrt nata sesimei of an efoilent
fauielw W ft drsn't, and we
:weadrwwul Sut goyright of this
artiolj, tks fto asever gleies
the riddBk Why, tib all effected
through ti* mediam of ad~rtise.
menti Let it mthe Molwinig
extract from a reoait a~rber of
the HMelchester Guardian, and
judge for itself:-
W TANTED, afew Devils, for breaking
p cop bottoms.-Address, etc.
It always struck us as remarkable that any individual endowed with
ghostly attributes should condescend to make a public exhibition of
itself, at the command of a mere trousered mortal, confining its talents
which, properly applied, might effect tremendous social revolutions,
to the moving about of upholstery and the tickling of people's knees.
But, surely, when a ghost condescends to obtain employment,-wo
don't know, by-the-bye, what "cop bottoms" are, or what object is
effected by breaking them up, but that has nothing to do %ith it,-
through the medium of an advertisement in a provincial paper, just
as if he were no better than a butterman's shopman, he is carrying
condescension beyond the limits of self-respect.

LA TYRANNIC; OU, "VA-T-ELLE BE NICHER"
WHEN France is daily loosening the chains which fettered her press,
and when freedom of opinion is allowed to the papers of Italy, once
warned, threatened, suspended, and crushed by the Bourbon, where
is the Spirit of Censorship to fly ? We find it in free and enlightened
America, to which misguided Englishmen have persisted in pointing
as the model of liberal institutions. Letters addressed to those
connected with newspapers are to be submitted to military inspection;
if this is not done, those found at the post office will be detained
until perused by the military censor." CArTAIN SWORD is to tell
CAPTAIN PEN what and how much he may tell to the public. Even
telegraphs are subject to Government supervision. Oh! Freedom!
what tyranny and fraud are committed in your name!

Or COURSE W ~UsaT!-A party-in the plural signification of the
word-having decided upon going to hear CHARLES DICKENS read,
the question was raised as to what part of the hall they should go to P
"Oh! to the stalls, of course," said one of the gentlemen, for every
one ought always to look up to such a man as DICKENS!"
MuLTUM xr PaTvo.-IBAR RUSSELL.

RIGHT AS NINEPENCE.
Come-let's "take hands,"
And have a dance-
To honour GLADSTONE
And finance.
Whist-loving dames and ancient
maids!
There's ninepence off the Ace of
Spades.

So let's take hands"
And skip and jIp,
Gra Sroa's whatever turns
up "-
A trump!
Cardinal virtues well he aids,
There's ninepence off the Ace of
Spades.
Whist, Cribbage, All-Fours,
Spec, and Loo,
Blind Hookey, Put,
And Patience too;
Come sing his fame that never
fades-
Thereis ninepence off the Ace of
Spades.

THE UNKNOWN QUANTITY.
THE letter X, which is supposed
to represent an unknown quantity,
is hardly the correct designation
for that body of police under
IMnsecMra WHIcHLE, which is
appointed for the special duties of
the RErh bition. In the civil esti-
mates they stand fir twenty
tihuaad pounds beyond thenusual
police estimate. Wold it not be
better to call them the double X
division, as they are an Xtra
Xpense ?

A GUSH OF GRATITUDE.
TaBM isa i sonei rg very touching in the disimtrested good naturen
exhibited by the wreverud advertiser in the snbjoined extract from a
recent OWus E--
A VinSwna as anm who ias onasigneid is aiy danger, age te yers,
aL to atn 0e3 c ary ita n eaautS rart of thes swath earnesmetly
onuamnlmSa athe flace to such as bave dnidren depnivea or ata i career. or
w han tM on Ir cnastaMncs -nme an atirm for atim. ohin g can
enmmd 'l madn., atede wiOthl iam, simpn nar einamond sbtudyndt aeomnnm-
S.- ai- wI Bchiis initea rilMasn iets wi.k Toeras stoayesr, wicinindens
.--;iS-.ni_. AdCceais, etc.
"ae SIPSe plenty of lkind-hearted crealureas who am always ready
to evince their regard for us by ugivig us testimoialr writing us
letters of intrnodlactiim, but there are very few indeed who carry their
gasis Otf gaitmde toi sn& a practical oedot as to iaert, day after
day, a Setmi-and-SimpEany adietiae eamt am our behalf in a morning
paper. It iis just pBeaite that the petope whomm require them
mnnight tke it into their heads to suggest, tat if thea widowed clergy-
n eanite to place Iinaself, as well as his dangmterunder the amispices
of thi lady W hwmQ ediBnamiBBl powers he advocates so strongly, and
at &E a "sP5% in'eaderto learm, the gollendi tint mumkafives,
aaM Wt -cdsat.aives govern verbs, and rather, that a cleram an, as
rate, i c, s-sA e lt afl oif so Tadical a change in his ph ysioogy as
being '""widrewd,"'-tlat is to say, being made a ridw,-ift woual be
M tthl beitt i- B f- the ears of the educated mong "i SeBick. Bn we
,te-t &,Aft abndy wa4 il lab so aneharntable as toa, imagine that the
%AiiwORll deArgyT&m- Ia eateredi it an rwawgemet& with the
tay iDm n tie beofatM rt ef tie sath east, to give his priesay
InravsnlaStion, a the weiehr'a of iBns paitemraB repa to her
sa-nfatiii sp3eabnaitii on, 0. maaim th at the ht y winl educate Iis
ditean ar ats a Oal cA chare,

ABUmec ] oSt. Consaa-"*1iapnire an~dforgetlf." Be unatraL

_ _

MAY 10, 1862.3 U _N 79

A BASE DESIGN.
DEDICATED TO SIR EDWIN LANDSEER.

LINES AND LIONS.
"It is the king's hlghwa that we are in, andIn this war it is that thou hut not placed the

LANSsiimt' Sit EbWIar
Grea R'.A.
I say-
It you'd our praise- undiminished win,
Let his due honours our Great Admiral dead win,
And don't keep shilly-shallying this way!
Whence this inaction and base indolence, pray P
Is't that you find, to your surprise and awe,
'Tis far more easy "laying down the law,"
Than "putting up the lions ?"
Or are these very shy'uns,
"The Children of the Mist p and so by nature's spell
Are missed as well i
Or does a LAND-SEEn disapprove the plan
That pays this meed to a seafaring man,
And thinking 'tis o'er-drawn consideration,
Won't draw the lions for his base,
Meaning thereby to place
A Ien on his naval reputation ?
You paint us herds of stags,
And we have Aeard about the lions too-
But then your pencil flags ;
And we see nothing of.them that you do .
That you've a right to keep
Painting the stags, by no means I deny;
Still hold deer dear!-but why
Hold lions cheap ?
You are a wondrous draughtsman-that we know,
But then across your draft for what you owe
The country-there is written no effects."
"England expects,"
And has expected now these two-three-four-
Five years, and more,
Until your lion has become a bore!

So, great R.A.,
I say,
Something these growing murmurings to hush
Contrive, as early as may be, to do:
Or else, although you're master of the brash,
The nation will soon have a brush with you

LETTERS FROM A YOUNG MARRIED LADY.
No. VL--ABOUT DEAREST AMELIA'S MARRIAGE WITH
CHARLEY BROWN.
HONESB.Y, dear Mr. Editor, I feel really to sit down and cry with
vexation. I am brimfdu of news of the most interesting description,
and positively I can find no one to listen to it. That darling girl,
AMELIA FITZ-OSIORrE, was married this morning, by the RiHT RE~v.
THE IrSHOP OF TIMBUCTOO, assisted by ever so many of the inferor
clergy (in order that there might beno mistake about it), to my cousin
CHARLEY BROWN, of the Stock Exchange. EDWIN, who cares no more
for a wedding than he does for an Irish wake, sent me with my
brother TOM, staying at home himself to do a quantity of ridiculous
lawwork. But I did fanoy that if he didn't care about being present
at the ceremony, yet that he was not quite so brutalised as to feel no
interest whatever on one point in which everybody takes pleasure. I
need not say that I allude to the bride's and bridesmaids dresses. 11o
listened pretty patiently, fir him, to my description of the manner in
which, we got through the aeremony,- how that all the ladies cried
irat, and then all the gentlemen, and then the pew-opener, und then
the beadle, and then the swpesnumerary clergy, and last. the dear old
Bishop himaeflf,-EWIn N contenting himself by declaring that there
would havebeen much better reason for crying if the match had ben
broken off (whidh was simply coarse, and not to the point). But w hen
I came to the dawripmti of the dresses, telling him how the bride
wowtl$hewetest, dearest, charmingest little duck of a daring---

[Here follows half a column of description, which might possibly bo
thrillingly interesting to our lady readers, but which we feel con-
vinced would be eviare to the world at large. So we out it out, Mlas.
Blowr.]
There, Mr. Editor, can you imagine anything more charming P And
yet, will you believe it, before I had got half way through the brides-
maids, T happenedto turnround, and found that Goth of an EDWIn was
asleep! positively asleep! I lack words.to express my indignation at
his unmanly apathy.-Believe me to be, sincerely yours,
Kensington Palace Gardens. ANGELzNA Bnowr.

THE LASH.
Tur parliamentary report of Wednesday, April 29th, contains the
following brief announcement:-" WHIPPING BILL.-The Lords'
amendments to this BILL were considered and agreed to." Now, in the
name of public justice, who is BILL P Why should WILLIAM have bern
whipped? Did he or did he not deserve it? We beg to call tle
attention of the poeple to the fact that the Lords ma:ie some nmtnd.
ment to BILL, from which fact we gather that thai suffering inlividial
had done nothing to bring upon himself the disgraceful punishment
above mentioned. We weep; for we have the lash before our eye.

A FRIENDLY HINT
To Ta" Jon' Aurnons or A New Duas.
YouB piece, in spite of many merits, scarcely thrives,
Lay by your Golden Daggers, and try pruning-knives.

HUSBANDS AND WIVEs. -When GARIBALDI was at Milan, and visited
the Scala Theatre, the aristocratic dames of the Bourhon ficti,'n
literally turned their backs to him. The poor rude creattires only
copy their husbands, whose backs were what GAlIBALuI saw oftenest
of them in the larger theatre of war.
AN IlISH ANSWER.-MR. BOUCICAULT is asking us, *trnugh the
medium of perambulating sandwiches," Have you seen i lie I'an tom ?"
We reply, having a regard to the repugnant nature of the plt of that
piece, Have vyou seen the in-spectre of plays?"
LEGAL INTELLIGENCE.-We are in position to state that there is
no foundation for the rumour that Mt.. JUSTICa WILLES is shortly to
be transferred to the Court of Probate.

THE "TWO THOUSAND."
DEAR FuN,--Every true lover of racing-and all who are
descended from my ancient race come under that denomination-
would have chosen Tuesday, the 6th of May, as the day on which
their taste would be gratified. On that day came off one of the great
races of the year-the "Two Thousand." I was asked-by young
CLARE HALL, a friend of mine, now an undergraduate of Trinity
College, Cambridge, to go down, stay a might in the old university
town, and ride over to Newmarket early in the morning. I arrived
at Cambridge at half-past six, and was received with the usual cere-
mony with which your correspondents are treated wherever they go.
No sooner had the train entered the station, than a porter opened the
door of the carriage; I descended, bowed to the crowd, who, thinking
I wished to preserve my incog., took no notice of the movement; then
a strange gentleman politely offered to carry my portmanteau, and,
disregarding my expostulations, he actually insisted upon taking it.
What could I do ? To refuse him so mail a pleasure would have
gone to my heart. He acted as my carrier, and walked off at a rapid
rate. It is said that" one never loses by politeness;" perhaps my case
may be an exception to the rule, but since the time when he ran up
stairs with my well-loaded portmanteau, I have never again set eyes
on that gentlemanly individual. But no matter, we spent a very
pleasant evening, and I was introduced to several academical gentle-
men of literary repute,-at least, I suppose so, as I was told that they
were making books.
Whether it was the early rising, or the change of re-?, or the
fountain in Trinity Quadrangle, which played all night, I di ,': know,
but I awoke on the morning of the "Two Thousand with a very
severe headache. Most of the party of the previous night met at,
breakfast, and several amiable young men came up and said to me,
"Let's see; how do we stand?" Knowing the mathematical bias of
this university, I was going to enter into my peculiar theory of gravi-
tation, but he cut short the commencement of a learned discourse, by
referring to a small book which he held in his hand, and saying, "Do
you want to do anything more about The Marquis?" I hardly liked

I to ask who was the distinguished persornage to whom lie uded, arid
so answered in a offband manner, No, I shan't do anytlhiig more."
Several others, speaking of the coming race to which we were i.,
offered to take me at even (as I underaitood). I thanked thein, Er.n-,
with my usual courtesy, that my friend CLARsE IIA, was kindly going
to take me that morning. Soon after breakfast, Loan S t.K, a young
and amiable scion of the nobility, rose from his seat, and having that
he was quite full, ordered round his filly. This was the signal. One
young man said he would drive a- in a dotr-cart (the pji py !); but
I'm glad to v- -i r CLIe ULL d. .r l i- r zl offer, and took us along
in his own vehicle, a. sort of gig on very high wlhe-ms, with a pfut I
behind, on which, never having sat before, I had w)inie difficulty in
maintaining my balance, We were placed, you understau, nl, d,-a- -
dois; and, forgetting my perilous position, I fell into a tdzF,--a dzoze
from which I was rudely awak-ened by finding myself on mny back in
the roadL My hat had fallen off, but I picked it up, and soon recovered
myself without any serious injury. It was a very pretty turn-out,
and must have looked well from the roadside.
At last the heath was reached, and, as is usual upnr these ormaioru,
we were s on surrounded by card-,sellers, gipsics, and other lhiath'un'.
I shall say rOu:,-Lins about the less important races, but tcoim at otice to
the Two Thousand. The excitement was intense. Five to one was
freely laid (so I Wv it r.if.r-n i) ; but I soon saw that noi ofi these
who laid odds had .. n.-.. ct.i .n view. One gentleman told ime that
Biaox TorausFfaro l.ad found some strong bacca, which, though no
smoker myself, I was, of course, delighted to hear.
The onrses were all assembled-The Marquis (who I find is a horse),
or..t -r., Ss'l Caterer with their -r.-a jied aIK, looked well in
the main. ML. M'Gzor., the start..- ('te r. r, one that didn't start),
though on ordinary occasions a bold man, yet at this critical rimeo,,it
showed the white flag. At last, after a good deal of rearing (which
showed that they had not been wel brought up), i 'Lirw;, and
'n.:g.-.r-. a start was effected, and The Marquis, in his owner's
b.-h f. .soen showed them his heels. Happening to be drinking a
glass of champagne at this moment, I lost sight of them, but was
informed that CoL*ON Tow Lrs'' Hubert took the lead (why any

TOL. IL

1

F'U N.

[MAY 17, 1862.

extra wei:'ht t:hould have been wanted I don'i
knoww, and that Tio Marquis, Nottinghami
Caterer, and others appeared in the van. What
van ? I saw none; but I think it is most extra-
ordinary conduct. If the jockeys were tired,
thoyshould have dismounted and walked; but
to ride in a van-pshaw When they reached
the bushes, tlher was a cry which, in the
distance, sounded like "Caterer bushes a
head!"
CLARE IIALL turned pale. Caterer wins!"
cried I, which made ILALL wince. But The
Marquis came up, and then Wingrave rode
violently into the mIdllo of the affray. (1
was obliged to sit down and drink clhampagne
about this time, which may arconat for my
now finding my note soo,'e, a- conrnisel.
Stockwell :,!ve a snpur!, and his joikey, send-
ing out his l'tl, sLnt Cot.O.O L ToNts2e.'s
Scolt into the top plket ; at this ins.uam
CHALLONER oitve lth spur to Cater1er, wiNch
Caterer pres'entd ... .: *.. The Marquis,
and the next moment all hole of relief had for
ever departed: oar gallant crew, however,
clung in despair to theu winning post, by which
I shall send my letmlce this evening, and as we're
just opening the fifteenth battle of champagne,
I must conclude, Ihoping that you're all a hip !
hip! hooray !-booahouo!--No you're winning.
-Yours, COLT's ]{ voLV n.
Tip-sy for tle Derby-I mean see tip-youe
kunw.

STAND BACK!
A DA.IL paper, in its graphic description
of the opening of the Exhibition, tells us how
that the LoaD MAYOR OF LoNDON, attended
by his civic functionaric--who on this occa-
sion, by the way, seem to have shown con-
siderable valour-" appeared, as boseemed
him, in great stato and splendour;" and also
how that, whero the way was narrow, he
met a "foreign embassy, bravo in plumes,
ribbons, and orders." What was to be done?
"Both groups could not pass abreast; a
collision soomed inevitable." Cclnrr would
not give way an inch, though it might have
boon considered an urbane as well as a civic
act to have mado way for the foreigners.
The foreigners, therefore, were compelled to
nmako way for Cualrr; and we fancy their
reason for so doing was not so much their
inestimable respect for le grand Lor J3aire
,i Londres and his golden robe, as an inward
conviction that they had better make a virtue
of necessity, inasmiluch as his lordship had in
his train, for lie purpose of '. L 1 : sub-
mission to lias will, one Mn. MACE," whom,
of course, there looked on as the Champion
of England!

SriPcrro-'s LAsr.-We have just received
this conu'idra-um frtm our tabernacular joker:
-What is the diteire:ne between the machine
that contains the stock in trade of an itinerant
potato vendor and MR. T'Ix'sox's inaugural
ode: --The 'one is a tator-can, and the other
cant-t-tla i [We sincerely advise C. I.S. act
to rcatI near Flect-street, as the police are on
the 1ok-out.-
SATi u is orTnaorair.-I-n the International
EKxhibi ;a is to be seen a most comfortable
raiBvay -e'xriaZe, on which are painted tie
words, Suer" and "' Cain-." I'such clasic
spots contribute railroad appliances, why
does not lphesas send some of ts sleepers ?
Sass:: 'tr E ts BmoS.-- A tailor.

THE BOTCHREBY PAPERS.

"oA ,d:its iiLn, 'sitst ejwzsa-alr it
On F'ii'n'.-s'-3 *lE'xpa-
The L,'id diseoar~ d away
OnChurth .-. :,.
IAn the inea..s o!reparation;
Of CMarse the bishops I..1-' :,,d -. :. :.
And the Bill got pushed along,
And, a select .,-;:. i'i;::..- :r ,,: .i.,
iiy seven the r'..:: ',.:-..:,...i.
In the Ccae 'onms, the attacks on
Aldershott by CAi .' :; iT... .
And hie Fort in Plr.::o.. o,.r.,:
The House with subjects found.
Then the Member for Dungarvon
Vowed the Irishwere all starvin',
And proposed, as victual fails,
To fill their insides with rails;
DAwsoN, of Londonderry,
Thought MAoGUwiE erroneous very,
And him then COLONEL DICKSON
Personal motives tried to fix on,
But only proved, unlucky elf!
Grossly personal himself;
And after him did BLAKE
(As the (C..-;.. I: .' :, ,. spake ;"
Then rose PEEL, and pointed out
How there was distress, no doubt,
(So there was in Lancashire),
But overstated by MAGUIRE;
Next O'REILLY rose and blustered,
In a word, the Irish mustered,
But eventually did fail
To get their projects for a raiL
Then the Merchants' Shipping Acot
By BENTINCK was attacked;
And the Commons' work was done
At twenty minutes to one.
-Mo1nday--May theffth-affords
Much discussion to the Lords,
About Property in Land,
How it should pass from hand to hand,
How its title should be secured,
And its declaring be ensured;
We need not versify the saws
Of t hose learned in the laws.
The Commons their time bestowed
On the Education Code;
WWA't.roL opened the debate
With expressions moderate;
PULLER, HENLEY, and KINNAIRD
We could easily have spared,
And we'll pass over, if you please,
NEWDEGATE, PAKINGTON, and PEAs..
Modest CsCIL next confessed
His spelling not the best,
One thing he could not do,
ir'i l I, [. "Hoi'i, hew, hue, and you;"
But his speech, too, was a bore-
We knew his ignorance before.
Then a sensible speech we owe
To the RersH Hox. Ronrea LowE ;
W.ILTri, HENLEY, NORTHCOTE, BAINES,
With the subject took some pains.

In brief, it may be said
A third time the Bill was read
Although of much it is bereft,
These two points still are left-
First of all, results shall weigh
The masters' claim for pay;
Next, managerial control
Is restored to power sole;
With which amendments for the best,
The question's set at rest.
For fitleen minutes, the sixtl of 3ay,
The Lo-rs sat, then went away.
The Commonis first got upon
The Government of Ceylon;
FORTESCUE and STANLEY opposed
The plan LYALL'S speech disclosed;
Then the bigot WHALLEY tried,
While the House exclaimed "Divide!"
To get the Maynooth Grant revoked;
While the members jeered and joked,
He from his pouch an orange plucked,
Which he amid the clamour sucked;
MR. SOMES, M.P. for Hull,
Was his seconder, rather dull,
And bored the House with silly tales
That the Irish were very like Wales;"
Slt ROBERT PEEL pooh-poohed the notion,
NEWD)EGATE upheld the motion,
Which a majority (eighty-two)
On a division overthrew.
Harbours of Refuge LINDSAY next
Selected for his text,
And moved for more of these same ports
To which our navy in gales resorts;
DuNCOMBE seconded the plan,
Dead against it BAXTER ran;
F. SMITH LInsAY'S side did take,
With VANE TEMPEST, PEASE, BAINES, and
BLAKE;
MILNER GIBSON (Board of Trade)
Some compromising made,
Owned the subject a good theme,
But could not authorize the scheme;
PETo ran this Government down,
PAK rNGTON loudly praised his own;
LINDsAY finally was "bate"
By a majority-thirty-eight.
On Wednesday-seventh of May-
The Commons had their say
On M'M~auN'S County Court Bill,
Which the Government say is ill;
Spite of HENLEY and AYnRT's pleading
The House refused a second reading.
The next topic which they cracked
Was the Scotch "Pub." Amendment Act,
Several clauses of which were read,
And at six the members fled.
On Thursday-eighth of May-
Their Lordships spent the day
On private business, and did pass
Bills for Railways, Roads, and Gas.
In the Commons arose a "mill"
On the Customs and Revenue Bill,
Which NoRTIucoTE did not try to oppose,
But the opportunity chose
EwART GLADSTONE to upbraid
For his speech at Manchester made;
But GLADSTONE, in a brace of shakes,
Into bits his argument breaks.
Then did DizzY at last proclaim
The Opposition's aim
In Home and Foreign Affairs
('Twas high time, so FUN declares).
Then rose PAM, with satire clever,
Said, "'Twas better late than never-
When the measures were all passed,
The Tory Oracle spoke at last!"
The House immoderately laughed
To hear DizzY so well chaffed,
And, some other business done,
Went its way at twenty to one."

5.!t

MAY 17, 1862.]

. FUN.

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
THE Moon is not so old as has been stated; she is "coming out"
next month.
More Theatricals among the Heavenly Bodics.-A new piece has been
written to be played at La Scale-a, though perhaps more adapted
to the Libra-ry than the stage, in which, at the rising of the cur-
tain, several new stars are discovered. The author of the piece is
the planet called after the God of War.
To numerous inquiries, we answer that we don't know what sort of
weather there will be at sea; we should say that most likely i:
would be very stormy, calm, rough, still, and tranquil as a lake.
The hot weather is setting in. What shall I do in a thunder-storm ?
asks a correspondent. Your line of conduct is simple; dust your
boots, call aloud for help, and take the bull by the horns: if in
doubt, play a trump.

MAY.
11 S Special service for sheriffs' officers. Text of sermon,
"First come, first served."
12 M Convivial meeting of teetotalers, who drink water until
they become 'water-tight.
13 Tu Meeting of the Patent Ventilating Company. The pre-
sident will open the window and the meeting by ven-
tilating the subject.
14 W FUN weather.
15 TH Rustic Ceremony.-Making butter in a quan-dary.
16 F Convention of Dia-tribes on the south coast of Africa.
17 S Adjourned Festival at Pernambuco; dance of share-
holders.

THE GARDEN.
It is with great pleasure that we welcome that season of the year
when Flora (surname unknown) scatters her choice gifts about our
path with no sparing hand. Let, then, all those who delight in the
rose, the lilly, the dahlia, and other beauties of the garden, learn the
language which flows from their two-lips. It is as follows:-
Moss Rose ................. I dine at half-past six.
Daisy ..................... I'd choose to be a buttercup.
Geranium .................. I'm looking at you.
Tulip...................... ... Go it.
Dandelion .................... Somebody's coming.
Convolvulus ................. Can you lend me a sovereign ?
Fuschia .............. Haven't got so much about me.
Wallflower .................... Oh you April fool !
Box ......................... Have you a strawberry mark on your left arm?
Lilly of the Valley ......... I hate you.
Sweet William ............. Will you pay me that bill?
Dahlia ....................... He comes daily here.
The Ranunculus ............ If you annoy that lady any more, Sir, I'll punch your
head.
Pansy ........................... This sixpence is a bad'un.
Mignionette ............... Send for the police.
amelia ........................I you like to come in this evening about six o'clock,
we shall be very happy to see you, only I forgot
to mention that no one will be at home.
And thus the careful student will find that a most animated con-
versation may be maintained by means of the above floricultural
signals.
Balcony Gardens require a great deal of care. The word balcony
is derived from btl, a dance, and coney, a rabbit; because, in ancient
times, the rabbits used to dance on the ledge outside the window, now
termed the balcony. This is the position for creepers, and such like
climbing plants; do not choose foreign ones, as these are more suited
to other climbs.
The Water Lily will flourish in a tank. If you don't possess that
receptacle for water, then go to your plumber and quote Othello, by
M FECcTEa--
"I am poor in tanks ;"
and he will at once execute the required job.
Economical Flower Gardening.-Rear peonies; if you can't afford a
horse, put your peony in a chaise, and drive it.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Dirty Boy complains that he -doesn't like to eat asparagus with his
fingers. Use your teeth, stupid.
Snooks wishes to know what part of a vegetable is the root. How
should we know; consult a solicitor.
Respirator wants to know what is the height of summer ? We
believe about six feet two inches, but we never measured.

They not only c;,,v olVld his s.orill
trmlition, bMt dill'fused Ih1 news of
the day, so that wheni a chief per-
ruadcd a minstrel to sing fir i
si"iall sumi, he was taking a decided
adlvaintago of the clhealp press.
lTheiir poeiiis wero usually setl to the
harp, and like all such harp sot poets, who lpractised na hino art, they
frequently made a fine hearty meal ontL Of a little bread and miet r'.
Some were eenl]ei.ly retained on the ostablishmincit to iing the praii'
of their cl... I', I .-: tle poet of MOSEs at the present day, but, tli,
majority went among the people, and trusted entirely to chants lor ai
subsistence.
BARK.-The exterior covering of a tree, corresponding to the khii
of an animal, that side of the one answering the same purpose na this
hide of the other. Bark is largely used in medicine, tho earliest dis-
covery of its virtues being made when .lMicbeth throw his celebrsi'led
"physic to the dogs;" by which, on the lhounl(oplt hili prlil(ciph o likio
curing like, a remarkable creo wasa first, known toi) a cur. Dir'ct ly ithl
dogs received the bottles of physic, a large aniIouni
was immediately produced. In modern practice when the Hystiim
requires a tone, ia little bark is often given. lhuk i isoi the Talii
applied to a ship which carries tlhreo mast, without, IIa ilizo. A
master mariner thus distingnuiilels Vesssel lit a dii I:n; i i Hom your
and some mizen. If you look arter the tree, you will freqieuenlly timi
the bark is taken off the stems; if you look alter Ilte o ilip, you will oftL u
find its Thames has taken off thle bark.
BARLEY.-A valuable grain used especially for numaking ll illl,, wliich
is the evolving of the saccharino principle, and so it is :ul.iintlnii':::
to remember that, by a chemical chlngo of condition, barley during'
malting becomes sweet. It was extensively cultiviateld by the lihiianiim,
who fed their soldiers upon it, and every mnirchinug regiment Iiused t
make some halt somewhere, when the orders of the army were given
out with some malty rations. In Scotland it lhas bIccn long known,
widely sown, and largely grown, the Scotlch devoting themselves to i,
with a fine national spirit, which is greatly adinired in tlh firm o'
toddy. In the cultivation of an acquaintance with whisky, the six-
course rotation is generally followed. A hiarlycorn is lthe third part
of an inch. When properly corned with 1Irlity lprieared in thlis
manner, and a sufliciont length Ilas been gone to with ltheo cunsurie,
you may easily ascertain your measure of length.
BAROMETERt.-An instrument for measuring tlhi weight or prPosslir'n
of the atmosphere, and making it give heavy dents nL'ninHst itself. A
column of air is weighed against a column of quiciksilver, and the two
are continually trying which is the heavier. 'The ppulair use of thl
barometer column is to indicate changes in the weather, but a reference
to the newspaper column now answers quite as well, Ilho winds being
regularly registered in advance by FIzanoY, Admilrnl of the Blew.
For measuring the heights of mountains this instruneufnt is very use-
ful, as not even a barometer shows as zero in the familiar rise oi
a valley.

ALL those who were prejudiced against the manner in which the
orchestra was conducted at the International Exhibition Inauguration,
must be mere CosTA-mongers.
WHY should a proposition always he carried in the Touse of Parlin-

ment P-Because the "eyes" are always higher Ilian teo "nose."

I

F UNT*.

[MAY 17, 1862.

R~AIL-AwY INTELL TI GE N C .

Charley Racey (not quite wanting the vicar's companJy):-" SORRY I SHAN'T HAVE TOUR COMPANY LONG, MR. JONES, AS I'M GOING TO
TAKE CHARGE OF THE ENGINE FROM TIE NEXT STATION. [Mr. Jones suddenly recolects he's forgotten an important parcel.

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No.ll.
A VISIT TO HAMPTON COURT.
DRAa ANNE,-ThO hot weather has fairly set in, and I should say,
judging from the suporb'un spot which I lately visited, that the pro-
visional parts of England-by which I mean the country-must be
looking charming, especially the highly lugubrious spot of which you
are a president. The superb'un spot I just mentioned is none other
than Hampton Court, a beautiful place on the banks of the Thames,
where there is a magnificent artifice, which, at a subsequent period,
has been used as a parochial evidence by CAROLINE WOLSEY (who was,
as you know, the paramour of HENRY TIE EIGHTH, GEORGE THE FIRST,
ANNE, and other of our Royal Sufferings. We went down to Richmond
by train, and then took a fly (which in this weather is more airy than
an ominous), and drove through the park to our Monday-view, as the
French say, only that Judyspreo doesn't apply, as it was Sunday.
How glorious was the drive! the verbiage of the green grass listen-
ing with the morning Jew; the various folios of the trees, the distinct
river maundering along, while on its preface appeared the boats filled
with the lovers of catechetical sports. MR. H. said that the only high
soar in the scene was the lark, but I don't know what he meant. We
saw also the little dears in the park. The driver took us out by a
gate, and then we passed by the "Robin Hood" public-house, where
numbers of holiday-makers were dissembling. The dusty road was
crowded with carts, carriages, and miracles of all sorts. At length
we reached our degradation, and having dissented from the trap,
entered the gardens, where you must not pluck the flowers, which I
gathered from a notice. The grounds are rather of a fore-
man character, and there is nothing wild or salvage about them. We
entered underneath a sort of vertigo, and walked along a lemonade of
the Comic Order, detected by SIR C RISTOPHER WREN, at least, soIcon-
ferred from the guide's account. The walls of the grand staircase are

covered with paintings. They are all taken from the Heaving Apology.
There's a figure of the goddess Serious with a mews, and the god Pan
playing at a consort. There are two rivers simplified as the ditties
Thames and Ices. Then there are the goddesses Venice and Ma's,
with Pluto and Serpentine, Sillies and Terror, Dibdin and Amputate,
all over our heads, which was far above my comprehension.
On leaving the landing, we entered the Guard Chamber, a lofty
compartment all hung over with old armour, such as pikes, molasses,
swords, helmets with wizards, daggers, cutlets, gondoliers, drums,
and other weapons of a retentive character. There are a great many
pictures, but one especially detracted our attention; it ias that of
a gentleman in a Spanish costume. It turned out to be QUEEN
ELIZABETH'S porter, dressed as an Hibornian. "He was," said the
guide, "seven feet six inches in height, and came from the Low
Countries." If that was the case, then, as I remarked to MR. H.,
what must the high countries have been.
In the next two rooms there are plenty of hysterical pictures by
imminent artists, and many on different subjects by VISION, TENYEARS,
FLASRY, and others. In KING WILLIAM'S bedroom are the portraits
of several ladies, some of whom, like NELL GWYNNE, were the desolate
companions of the Merry Monk. There are presents chambers, and
drawing-rooms, filled of course with drawings; aunty rooms, and, I
suppose, uncle rooms, but I didn't see any; state beds looking very
uncomfortable, dressing-rooms quite private, in one of which is the
head of a black man, supposed to be that of a negromancer, who was
put to death for being a musician and making saucy remarks. But
the great sight, after all, is the cardoons; they were drawn in a raffle
by the king. So you see what luck some people have. After this,
we saw the Great Hall, where SHAKSPEARE made his first easy. We
hadn't time to go to the maze, which is a perfect library; so being
very fatigued, we left by the Lion's Gate. Good bye !-Your affec-
tionate sister, MARY ANNE HODGKINSON.

84

j I

MAY 17, 1862.] 1F U J ,T 87
i- - --~- -

SONG FOR THE THRONG.
OR, VERSIFICATION FO1R THE NATION.

No. XIX.-THE FEMALE EMIGRANT.
DAUGHTER of England! o'er the sea
You pass to seek a distant clime,
You leave a country great and free,
You quit it in your youthful prime.
You go to toil: well, be it so,
It is the lot of all our race;
The happiest smiles our natures know
Are borne on Labour's honest face.
And you will wed perchance;-'tis good,
So best your woman's life shall wear
The crown of perfect womanhood,
As wife and nursing mother there.
Let unsexed women sneer and scold,
The holiest task is yours, who rear
The little children, angel-soul'd,
In reverence and godly fear.
The mother's glory with her son's
By Love's own hand is interweaved;
From mother-lips earth's noblest ones
First learned the greatness they achieved.
Mother of Englishmen to be,
Though born beneath another sky,
To you their birthright render we
Of English teachings great and high.
Teachings of liberty, confined
By sacrifice for common good,
Of all the treasures of the mind,
Ofart, and skill, and hardihood.
Oh! rear them round your mother-knees,
* To know the beauty of the land,
Whose Freedom over distant seas
Entrusts her charters to their hand.
In perfect faith does she that gift
To sons of yours in trust confide ;
Which her far colonies shall lift
To their true places at her side.
Hereafter they shall understand,
Whose natures sour'd delight to scold,
How English mothers in their hand
*The destinies of nations hold.

antu Entdllignnci.
QUIBBLESEX SESSIONS.
THE public in general, tired of sensation dramas and entertain-
monts, are perhaps unaware that a highly amusing morning perfornm-
anco may be witnessed (admission free) at the Theatro Lpgatl,
Clerkenwell, during the holding of tho Quibblesex Sessions. In order
to securo a good placo in lthe Second Court., ladies and gentlemen
should attend early. An extract from a screaming farce lately played
thero will suffice to show the' stylo of entertainment provided for
their patrons by the management of this establishment. It is entitled -
DOCKS AND LOCKS.
Three Tableaux and five Criminal Acts.
CHARACTERS IN THE OPIXNINGC.-Counsel (inll Il' 0e)oji'ii oif it',
prosecution), Mr. Smirke. Dodger (caught in the openllit thd ii,'),
Mr. Felon. Jemmy (a creature or tool of J)lDodis, qtsed iIn ftheoiii'ltlg
above mentioned), Mr. Silent.
CHIARACTERS IN TIHE ACTION.-The .tigo (a dpvly it ssislofin v'iUi
a poetic licence, ofterwards clown), Mr. Shampagno. ir. 8intp (fior
the defence), by limsolf. Mrs. Wobbles (a i'itness), by herself.
SCENE.-The Colurt. Time, ditrilt!l tle cross (ery cross) I,.raitiint-
tions. C. The dock in which stand(Is the 1)odger unipleaisantly situated.
R. H. Mr. Snap. L. 11. The Jlury. In the distance is sen Mr. Shatli-
paglze taking notes.
Mr. Snap (contiv ning his very cross .e!aminIltioi). Will you swe:ir
that you did not say so ?
Witness (wishing to etler ilno l,'lails). Well, ais flr as 1--
Mr. Snap. Will you answer my Iqueltlion ? Take your time, ma'ait .
(Aside to audience) I believe that's not the only tling sho'H takei,
eh (winks),
Mr. Smirke (mildly). Those remarks, Mr. Snap, are really quit
uncalled for-
Mr. Snap (violently). I will not be put down or bullied by you, sir
I say, bullied by you or any one else--
Music.
Mr. Shampagne (speaking through music).
Mr. Snap, you must conduct your dcfonco
Only by rules of evidence.
(Aside to magistrate). That's mine.
Mr. Snap. I respect your lordship us a poet. (Asidii to audience)
Ahem! (Aloud) Blut I insist upon my right--(lidlyl andU violently)-- I
insist upon my right to say and do what 1 like, iln Hpit of' you-or
any one-or every one-or any other "'man (thullmps dc-sk).
Mr. Sha tmpagne. Oh Mister Snalp, you miust not let
Your alnry passions rise,
For if you do, down you'll be sot
Dleforo my very eyes.
(Aside to approving anagistratc) My own nlitlii.
[Magl istr'~ t makes a note of it.
From this extract it will be seen thatl a 11p -eant ttland inslructivo
hour's amusement may be obtained by paying a morning visit to the
Quibblesex Sessions.

]IANGING GARDENS.
AFTER hanging the unfortunate woman at I)u)lmfries, the report
states that "when ALCtcAFIr left the station by the II 15 a.m. train,
lie had a blooming wallflower in his black coat breast." Al unknown
hand strewed flowers on the gravo of NE:oi. The common hangman
anticipates the ovation, and appropriates his own lionluit. May lto
not have been presented with it,, thliough ? Strange presentations
take place daily for "sensation horr'ort It is not entirely beyond
possibility at some future titno tla, like imei other execut,ants,"
CALCtRAFT, if Ih drop I is victim deftly, may II' rewarded by a shower
of wreaths and hontquots. Imanino the rioulh hand that adjusts t110
fatal noose tying true-lovers' knots, pansies, heartsease, and sweet-
peas,-making extremes meet.

CoMING TO THE ROur oF rr.-Our Crippled Contributor cannot untder-
stand why on the Food Trophy so conspicluous a place sfloluld be de-
voted to what is called Pedigree Corn." lhI says the pedigrce of nll
the corns he ever knew was not difficult, to trace, as it weIt i, further
than the last pair of tight boots. lie adds, however, that the birth of
corns is not half so important as their extraction."
WHAT part of Soho does the great painting of the "Railway
Station" resembloe?-Why, Frith-strcot (Furinll's treat), of course.

T _FUN.

D ---- -*
/p

I -

A WORD WITH JOHNSON.
HAVE you ever thought hew clever
WIGSBY is, who, pert and prim,
Brings a vacillating jury,
Finally to side with him ?
To authority appealing,
With that well-remembered Why,
What says JOINSON on this subject ?
As said JOINSON, so say I."
In the struggle of opinion,
In the war of mental strife,
Something like this often happens,
In the daily course of life ;
But must people through the present,
Always hear that cuckoo cry-
" JOHNSON said it, and what JouNso-
Said about it, so say I ? "
All must own an ancient adage,
Does a world of truth convey,
All admit that DR. JOHNSON,
Was a great man in his day;
That within his works collected
Wondrous wisdom we may spy,
Age can claim to be respected,
So said JOHNSON, so say I.
But-I put the question wholly-
Grounds our common sense provides,
Is what one advises solely
Good for all the world besides ?
Every place has got its JOHNSON,
Maxim-monger for the rest,-
JOHNSON does it, JOHNSON says it,
So it must be for the best.
Early rising, very proper,
JOHNsoN's up by six o'clock;
Who in bed is then a stopper,
Will the nerves of JOHNSON shock.
JoHnSON walks, there's nothing better,
Ere his breakfast, miles away,
So you try it, and you get a
Precious headache all the day.
As for dinner, "Pooh, sir; who, sir,
On three courses ought to drop ?
I will tell you what to do, sir,-
Take a simple mutton chop!
As for pickles, that's a question,
All depends on what agrees;
Indi-what, sir? Indigestion!
Indi-nonsense ; leave off cheese."
" I can tell you what you need, sir;
Wine, sir, that's what you require,
That's the book you ought to read, sir,
That's the picture to admire.
Going to the Exhibition?
I will tell you what to see,
Only pay for my admission,
I'll take you along with me."
Thus does JOHNSON daily chatter
Forth his views of various things,
Taking one in every matter,
In his mental leading strings.
But no more I'll stand his nonsense,
I'll put JoHNSON on the shelf;
Bother JOHNSON! Fig for JOHNsoN!
1'll be JOHNSON for myself.

WHY does a 'bus conductor always
try a fourpenny piece with his teeth ?-
To prove it is a fourpenny bit.
WHY is a flea like a locomotive P-
Because it goes over the "sleepers."
A TITLE FOR THE HISTORY OF THE
JAPANESE EMsAssY.-Japan traits.

PRiEVIOUS TO THE OPENING OF THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION, A DISTIN-GUISHED PERFORMER
JUST TRIES IF HIS INSTRUMENTS ARE IN TUNE.

SONGS FOR SOLDIERS; OR, THE "MANUAL" SET TO MUSIO.

TI.
Air-" The hardy Norseman."
WIIHEN hnrdy horsemen charge a corps
Of British infautree-ce,
The latter formed in hollow square
Prepare for cavalrce!
And as the enemy begin
To near our gallant ba-and,
(As welcome as a double in-
Come-tax on Engle-land),
We fix our bayonets of steel
With all alacritee-ce,
The two front ranks then quickly kneel
Upon the bended knee!

VII.
Air--"The Perkct Cure."
WHEN you are bade upon parade
Your rifle to "secure,"
'Twon't be obeyed, I'm much afraid,
So very clumsy you're,
To look on when mistakes are made,
I really can't endure,
So seek some kind instructor's aid
And practice the secure."
Secure! secure! secure! secure!
Oh! practise your secure,"
Pray seek some kind instructor's aid,
And practise your "secure!"

"DON'T CRY 'STINKING FISH'!"
AT an inquest lately held in Limehouse, by MR. HL-MPHRYS, on four children, who died with
strong symptoms of arsenical poisoning, Dr.LETHEBY distinctly attributed their death to arsenical
green wall paper. In spite of this the jury returned a verdict of" Natural death." As some juries
in criminal cases have been known as "hanging juries," it would perhaps be as well if these
exponents of crowner'ss quest law" were known as the paper-hanging jury," in allusion to
their house-decorative propensities.

Tuz LONG RANGE AND THE LONG Bow.-The Debats gives a long article apropos of the "com-
plete failure of the English ARMSTRONG gun! and describes a proposed French piece of ordnance,
"pierced in the anterior part of the chace almost like a flageolet," so as to have a "reduced
recoil without loss ofany considerable ballistic power." We imagine this flageolet, although no pipe
of peace, will be after its first trial a pipe of pieces.

[MAY 17, 1862.

MAY 17, 1862.] F T- 1N 8i

OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 18.-BY MR. J. A. FR-DE.
THE power of speech has been cynically described as a gift by which
man is the better enabled to conceal his thoughts. In an analogous
spirit, history may be defined as the science by which we subvert facts,
misrepresent deeds, erroneously construe motives, and falsify charac-
ter. Taking a calm and temperate, rather than a satirical view of
this unfortunate tendency to go wrong in statements, the whole
virtue of which consists in their being, as statements, simply and
exactly right, I have formed the deliberate opinion that wherever the
recognized historians are found to say one thing, the reader's best
plan is to believe another. Adopting that plan myself, I have
succeeded in establishing to my own satisfaction the purity, high-
mindedness, wisdom, courage, self-sacrifice, and devotion to duty
which characterized men whose names have been ignorantly handed
down as synonyms for venality, covetousness, folly, cowardice, indif-
ference to the rights and the welfare of others, and total want of con-
scientiousness in the discharge of obligations. From a host of sup-
posed monsters I have been able to select examples of heroic virtue.
From a crowd of demons whom the world has been taught to shun, I
have counted many men whom it would be an honour and a happiness
to know. Such a man was JUDGE JEFFREYS.
This incorruptible magistrate, sound lawyer, and delightful com-
panion, has been pictured as a vulgar, brutal, unscrupulous agent of
shameless despotism. JEFFREYS, and his "bloody assize;" JEFFREYS,
and his low cunning; JEFFREYS, and his coarse, savage buffoonery;
JEFFREYS, and his openness to a bribe; JEFFREYS, and his inacces-
sibility to everything else,-one may read of such combinations
through endless pages of careless biography. Absurd stories are
repeated, with silly monotony of slander, about his sentencing an aged
female traitor to be burnt alive on the very afternoon of her trial;
about his condemning hundreds of unfortunates at a time, some to
the block, others to the gallows, and others again to the deadly plan-
tations of the West Indies, where field labour seriously disagrees with
Europeans; about his habits of mocking prisoners from the bench, of
terrifying witnesses by horrible distortions of his countenance, and of
indulging in opprobious language towards the gentlemen of the jury;
about his intemperate recourse to alcoholic fluids; about cauldrons
hissing, carcasses boiling, heads and limbs becoming unpleasant in
the hot weather, pitch and tar bubbling and seething, without the
soft relief even of feathers, flesh mangled and torn in a way that no
respectable butcher would tolerate, blood spilt, bones ground, and fat
frizzled. A moral compound of RunADAMArnus, QUILP, and GREEN-
ACRE, embodied in the very obnoxious person of an illiterate and
unhealthy sot; this is the portrait, forsooth, which we must accept as
that of a royal favourite and a lord chancellor, at a period when high-
breeding was a necessary qualification for any high office, and dignity
a breastwork against the encroachments of democracy. What manner
of man was the actual living, walking, thinking, working JEFFREYS,
who sat for this clumsy picture? He was a jovial, and, withal, a
tender-hearted man; often moved to tears by his duties on the bench,
and wont, in the unbendings of social life, to set the table in a roar.
His round face and contour, small plump hands, sparkling blue eyes,
and full under lip, showed him to be one of those equable natures in
whom a keen relish of the enjoyments of life is seldom cloyed or
jaundiced. At a glance he would have been distinguished by any
BaILLAT-SAVARIN of that day, as a being predestined to gourmandize.
His dinners were a standing topic of the time, and the highest
intellects gathered round the light of his wit, and were dazzled into
admiring silence. His learning was inexhaustible, but he never
obtruded it, or seemed to value it for other purposes than pointing a
jest or adorning a story. Only once was he provoked to make a
parade of his vast acquirements. Having started a Ihumourous paper,
in the plan and spirit of which may be found the germs of Fut, he
gave some passing offence to his indulgent sovereign. The frank,
homely nature of JAMES II. was not always able to put up with a sly
sarcasm, uttered even with the evidences of affectionate loyalty; and
he resented the pleasantry of his favourite by giving orders to suspend
the royal subscription to the offending periodical. When JreFFREYS
heard from his publisher that the usual copy of the little sheet of
anecdotes and bon-mots no longer found its way to the palace, he
found his way there himself, and sought an interview with the king.
For the first time since he had enjoyed the friendship of JAMES, the
learned humourist was denied access to his royal master. He went
away, and returned in a strange disguise. The usher who had spoken
to him but an hour before, and who was well accustomed to see him
at the palace, did not know him, and was sorely puzzled when
JEFFREYS addressed him in Latin. The man fetched one of the
superior officers who could speak that tongue, but JEFFIREYS

encountered him with Greek. A third was brought who could speak
Greek, but he no sooner spoke that language to JEIrvri ins than ho
was answered in Hebrew. One who understood Hebrew was with
much difficulty procured, and him did .1 I'riii's very speedily pose
with Syriac. The matter camoe t ilie ears of the king, who ordered
the polyglot suitor to be bronliht into the presence; and then did
JEFFREYS throw aside his disguise, and plead for pardon in an eloquent
and erudite speech.
This was the man who served an open-hearted, magnificent, mnd
generous prince, who, let us remember, was himself charged with tlIe
destruction of the people's liberties, with the corruption of parliament,
with the invasion of municipal rights, with the great lire of Loindon,
with some share in the plague, with the shutting up of tlh exclheqcilr,
with the breach of the triple league, with the popish plot. wilti tlhi
murder of SIR EDMONDSBURY GODFREY, with thie similar di:losal of'
ARTHUR EARL rF ESSox, with the unjust condemnation of W\IVLLA
LORD RUSSELL, and COLONEl ALGERNON SYDNEY, nnd with poisoning
his own brother, the wise and virtuous KINo CnARLES 11.

LARGO AL FACTOTUM !
(0 those who admire the genus strong-
C mP i indeed" among women, the subjoined
&_` advertisement will show where a splendid
% specimen is to be had clhop :--
STOIIULEMEIN nud GEINT'ILEMIIN.-An oi-
ra cutv l, iliidliie-la ed 1etLr\ wi\ slllllt, oa' gri'rlt
:Iictivity Illd rx, cr'rl'nl'oi with ll rlltry t tcsH,
\writing a liolil, oxpeditlimH llllnd, spen kinguti
IFre'nch hlenl.ly, nund to whom thi control ndii
s ocLion ) ..I 1, 1- .. .. 1 i oi lat glan d to
s01 C n 1111n 0 -,ll ..1' I I J,, ,-.' ,h111 be gllO l to
Stake charge of ri country Ihoictue iutl intitits
(.eilng very fond of themm. Her connexiontiH t
inerchleits, rind thoe niost unlllimited conldellue
1 im:y be placed.--Aentor, etc.
', Although the advertisement does not
S indicate the precise capacity ill which
tis terrible old party seeks employment,
it is evident that she proposes in sHinu
manner or another to control and direct
the nobleman or gentleman who is so fortunate as to seicro her
services,-if, indeed, the terms of her advertisHncieit (do not, ilmply liha
she proposes to control and direct thie entire pee)rage andi gentry of
the British Isles ; but we should like very much to know thi) nilon oef
British nobleman orgentilemanwho is lmad enough wilfully, and without
the adequate consideration of a wile, to take to himself a sort, of
amateur (but exaggerated) mother-in-law ? Wo shoutl alsoI lik to
know what the few things are which the griffin in uiost ilon IoeHs ('ci-
sider herself altogether capallo of (...r1.1.ii. fior, Ie admits, with
a modesty that is quite her own, that tlero are a few. Can sIhe
drive a locomotive ? or even a hansom ?
We regret to recognize a gleam of mere womanhood in tin latter
part of the advertisement, in which this delightful creatltri sHl.ali's
that she is fond of a country hoiuso and animals. This is weakness.
Mere comic writers,-people who scribble frivolities for F1'sN,--nri
fond of country houses, and everybody likes aninils, especially lbeves
and muttons. Take our advice, Mentor, as lovers of con(sisti'ncy, rial,
supposing that you are not immediately snapped up, and tlti, it is your
lot to advertise again, don't adulterato your olbtrusively l,-emilclnent
manhood by even so much as a dash of wonianly senlincut,.

THE BRIGHTON REVIEW.
Small Effective:-" HAVE YOU ANT BEDS?"
Landlady:-" No, SIR; ALL FULL, SIR. BUT HERE'S ONE WINDER CURTAIN NOT ENGAGED, WHICH YOU WOULD FIND VERY COMFORTABLE !

THREE VIEWS OF THE FIRST OF MAY.
BEING EXTRACTS IN THE FASHIONABLE NOVEL STYLE FROM THREE
DIARIES.
Mr. Gruffey Grumpus.--Rose at 9. Breakfast. Eggs hard. Hate
hard eggs. Blew up servant. Lost my new gloves. Swore. Took
hansom. Blocked in Piccadilly. Van of vulgar cockneys in front.
Mado remarks on my hat. Frowned at them. They laughed.
Arrived at Exhibition. Paid. Walked away. Cabman shouted
something. People laughed. Frowned. Asked for my ticket.
Searched. Could not find it. Must have dropped it in cab. Told
policeman so. Policeman incredulous. Argued. Policeman stupid.
Swore. All no use. Got hustled. Lost my watch. Turned home-
wards. Boy pestered me to have my boots cleaned. Refused. Boy
pestered me again. Kicked him. Boy howled. Crowd collected.
Costormonger threatened to punch my head. Dared him to. He
did so. Called a policeman. Policeman threatened to lock me up
for assaulting the boy. Crowd cheered him and jeered me. Got
home. House full of country cousins come up unexpectedly. Scene.
Recrimination. Tears. Slept at hotel. Wrote letter to Times.
Not inserted. Venal press. Disgusted with the Exhibition and the
country.
Miss Selina Sentiment.-Drove with papa, mamma, ANNIE, and
dear CAPTAIN DE BOOTS to the magnificent edifice of science, civiliza-
tion, and art, at South Kensington. A glorious scene indeed, the
productions of all the world, and the brilliant roll of names of those
present enthralled my mind, and I noticed that maize and pink are
the colours most worn in ribbons, also that the bonnets look best
with a mauve wreath round the crown. We got charming places,
and just opposite were the BLAGGs-dearest GEORGIE, my most
particular friend, present. It was very shocking, but that witty

CAPTAIN DE BOOTS kept me in a laugh by his satirical allusions to her
choice of colours, and however she can wear bright hues with that
sallow complexion I can't imagine; and really, blue Balmoral boots
only answer when feet are migronnes; but some people have no taste.
Presently the glorious swell of the music arose, and after that I saw
the Laureate, or thought I did, and he wore a hat like any ordinary
gentleman. Oh! it was a lovely day.
Lord Dundreary.-Went to the Exhibition because evewybody did,
but if everybody hadn't, nobody would have been there. Music vewy
fine. Japanese ambassadors stuck. Thought of the quotation,
"Savage beasts are charmed by music." At least-ah! well, got
that mixed up somehow. Felt vewy sleepy, and yawned. Woused
by a cwash of twumpets. Thought of that middle about twumpets,
but forgot it, and never heard the answer. Heard a lunatic say,
"What a lot of cwushers." Suppose he meant the other lunatics, who
were pushing awfully, and thinking it a joke, laughed. Evewyone
said Hush! Looked out for Hush, but nobody answering to that
name came. Saw SAm in the cwowd. Went over to him. But he
turned out to be another fellow. Looked out for another fellow,
thinking when I went over he might turn out SAM. But somebody
else always pwoved nobody I knew. Man asked me the time. Pulled
out my watch. He wan off with it. Waited an hour for him to
come back. He never came. Mad, I suppose. Ah! well. "A willing
stone feathers its nest." That does not sound right, though. Got
home. Not at all tired, so immediately went to bed.

WHO, INDEED !-Who would ever think of buying a book-if they
thought upon the matter at all-which was advertised, as is often the
case, as being "suited to the meanest understanding"?
A QUESTION FOR LLOYD'S.-If two people own a trading vessel, may
she-the vessel-be looked on as a partner-ship?

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, May 17, 1862.

90 FUN1T.

-

IAY& 24, 1862.]

F U TN.

91

I _-- I

__

r'i
.'.__ I 5-'.--^

N ( 1I,

"I SAY, BILL, PAINT THE CRUSHER COMING OUT, NEITHER!

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No. 12.
A VISIT TO THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
DEAR ANNE,-We are enjoying London, I can tell you. Such a
number of foreigners and continent folks in this fast city! Every
minute of the day is occupied. There are May meetings in Extasy
Hall, where the Low Church people and followers of the deformed
faith of Galvin (who invented Galvanism, which makes you jump so)
assemble; they hear speeches, and describe large sums, which support
several visionaries, their wives, and families comfortably. I can't
afford to throw away my money in that manner, for it isn't every
one that's born with a silk purse in his ear. However, I must tell
you that we've been to see the pictures in the Royal Macademy, called
thus after the gentleman who paved the London roads. The Royal
Academy is a society of painters and decorators, perhaps also paperers
and plumbers, but of this I'm not certain. If a painter does not come
up to their notions of perfection, they publish his concomitance to the
world by prefixing after his name the initials R.A., which mean
nothing more or less than 'Retched Artist.
The picture rooms are in the Rational Gallery, a very fine stone
building, something between a gaol, a town hall, and the prints which
I've seen of an antic pimple of Jupiter. On the top it is surrounded
by small dooms made like pepper-boxes, and from the steps you get
an excellent view of the fountains in Trafalgar-square (that is, you
would if they played), also the great NELSON Calumny, and other
orchestrian statutes. We gave our parasols to a man, and MR. I.
took a ticket for the lot.
The south room is filled with water-colour paintings, and more than
a score of chalks, which some folks term gray'uns, but this is not quite
correct, as there is some colour in them. Here we saw inferiors of
several houses, but there was nothing to distract our attention very
much, so we entered the next room. Here we were puzzled what to
look at first. We couldn't begin with all at once, so we deterred on
commencing with the one that most pleased my eye. We pitched
upon a picture in the corner, where there was a donkey, a man with
a pipe, an old Spanish friar with a very Spanish liquorice look about

Sthe lips, and some other individuals ; this I was told was painted by
MR. DEANE, and on looking at my list I found it was intended to
represent Ramsgato Harbour from the Landing Stage." [I re-open
this to say that I have since found out that I was looking at a wrong
number in quito another room, the real picture being Billy Singing
in a Delusion," but every one who closely examined the picture under
a similar depression agreed with me that the story was wonderfully
told.]
In the cast room we observed a view of the indefatigable River
Thames, with the Houses of Parliament and the Westminster Clock.
MR. RolEItrrs has painted this picture in a patlhtic spirit; I mean,
looking forward to a sort of cornopean time, when thoro shall b no
more mud, when bright Venetian chandeliers shall float on the suflieo,
and the Thames water be as clear as gristle. Here is a picture of the
celebrated horse-tamer and his sister in fancy dresses. The former is
coarsely termed LUIIBEI RAREY," while his sister is properly named
"ESTHER RARIEY," and a very queer-looking young person sIhe must
be.*
We now went into the middle room. Tho door-ways are so narrow,
and the people so pushing and rude, that unless one actually lights
one's way like a falling hope thero's no getting on at all. Being
determined to see MR. MILLr's picture properly, we stood in front of
everybody, and close to the painting. It is called Trust me," and
represents a young lady concealing an apostle from her father, dressed
in a red coat and top boots, ready to mount his fiery Hucellas. She
is supposed to be keeping a secret, and the pre-ruffle light artist has
carried out this idea so well that no one can tell what it means. The
girl's dress is beautiful I couldn't help nudging my husband and
whispering, "That's the sort of thing I was speaking of this morning,
dear;" on which he merely said, Oh yes," and drew me on quickly
to look at the Drawlers getting in their Nets on the approach of bud
Weather;" as I said, it's very little use getting in a net when the rain

We are unable to find any such picture, but, on referring to the number il
thle catalogue, find that it is Mt .. R. TIF.IiERT's picture, entitled, "Laborsri
cst Orare," and hence possibly the mistake.-ED.

VOL. II.

---~------.

- -------------- --- -

--~-

0 }F TJ ST. C[MAY 24, 1862.
i----- ---

i

i

is pouring, and I must say I thought that idea of shelter very absurd.
Mu. MILLY has another picture here, called the "Parallel of a Woman
seeking for Money;" the female is holding a candle and a broom,
but I don't think it does credit to his brush.
I quite forgot to mention No. 108, by MR. HARDY. It is called the
Sweep," and shows a lot of little children very frightened at seeing
the hee! of a chirnney-sreeprr, whoso body has disappeared up the
flue. M3iry and myself laughed very much at this. In the north room
there is a picture of MR3. HIGGINS, whose i'mibed digger (as the French
say) of "Jacob Omnium you've so often seen in the newspaper.
Th'Ii-'s a !I t fi dog playing at his feet, which is the Jem of the picture.
()ico;-ise, I'v, i:ot mentioned one-tenth part of the pictures. "Roast
iig" I am unable to touch; the "Fishers," by HOOK, only caught
my oey as I w.as leaving. Putting a Witch in Water," POOLE;
"A Shriek of the Dessert i.i advance of his Tribe;"- MR.
Prclj ;HLr 's "Portrait of a Diseased Lady," "Spring," "Juliet,"
"From my Wi'inilow," "Up on thle Mountain," with "OCTAVIUS
Wlrui.\vii-, I' *.," "On the Sand ," Cattle Driving," "In the bed of-'
thi River !, :r,','," [ :TiM obliged cursingly to pass by, while
nliiberr's of others I can't even mention. After it was all over we
were -o t ire-, :y lead achel my eyes ached, and my feet ached,
dolely from walking about. in the- evening we went to see MR.
Woolir.-'s Entertainment at the Polly Traffick Hall. We laughed
very nirnch, specially when he pretended tobe an old gentleman after
dinner Imaking a, speech, lie intimates all sorts of characters.
Altogether we were ranch abused, and came in tired out, and so
hoping you're Wtie same, I remain your al~otionate sister,
MArY ANNE HODGKINSON.
P.S.-Wo haven't been to the Exhibition since the opening, because
we hear that there are no cabs or miracles of any subscription to be
detained when wanted. The pelisso wants trimming on this subject.

TThe CoHseonrs first Dinyar'SrpLEr
I" IAY refers
S_ To the List Reserved of Naval
Officers.
Next is that building beautiful
%- bewept
I' a .JiF C TORY.I:. By CocHRA,',, where the Records
T i r -rrh are all k-pt.
KNIGHTLEY, knightlier garb de-
clares hi wants
As uniforms for County Lieutenants.
Next, EGERTON of VILLIERs did inquire,
Touchling the great distress in Lance !hire,
On which a speech, sound, sensible, L :d right,
Was then delivered by Friend JOHNNY BHI';IT,
Whom, take him all in all, you safely can
Set down as friend indeed to working-man.
The Hosoe thoercafrlcr vcent into Supply,
And various votes, tl.onli rcarped at, were passed by.
And when Big Blien declared the hour of one,
The mcixmers all retired, their lahours done.
On Smimiinay--Jay the t.'elfrhl--the Lords express
Their deep regret at tLancashire's distress,
And praise the working-man, whore patience strong
Sunmits to want, not calling it ai wormm ;
And, crushed by poverty unknown before ,
Shrinks from excess, nor clamours for a war.
CLANRIir.iCDE next the Government's aid implores
To keep the turbid Shannon within shores.
'Tis hard to govern, so from this wouldd seem,
An Irish people, or an IriSh stream.
The Coninoss hear, with infinite surprise,
How Cowrr.n of tle H1yde Park Road reulies-
"O! tlio" who riil, in cabs 'tis not bestowed;
WT.; p:y t.) make i;, n'ust nri.t nue tile round ["
Customs and Reveomn next thie IHouse discuss,
And pass its clauses, not without a fuss ;

j

A TOUR DE FORCE.-MR. DISRAELI objecting the other day to
England's exerting either Moral or Physical Force, in the shape of
silent influence or bloated armaments, LORD PALMERSTON wanted to
know what force he wished us to use ? Policeman A 1 in the lobby
at once answered the PREMIER by suggesting the body of police-MAYNE
Force.
IF the clock tower at Westminster could speak, would it be likely
to advocate builders' strikes ?-On the face of it we should think not,
unless it were put to a vote of hands, when of course it would carry
the day, and very punctually enter the momentous event in the
minute-book.
THE prisoner who scaled the walls of Newgate, last week, effected
his escape by means of a ladder, which he manufactured out of'llis
bedding and broken gas pipe. He may therefore be said to have cut
his tick."

GLADSTONE consents no license-tax to clap
On those who brew but for their private tap.
Some other acts are read, discussed, and passed,
Half after eleven the House adjourns at last.
On Tuesday-May thiriteenth-their Lordships kill
The Qualification Abolition Bill;
TAUNTON and WODEHOUSE vainly stem the attack,
By MARLBOROUGH'S tactics routed and turned back.
Then tell, my muse, in what an imbecile way
Went the RIGHT REVEREND WINCHESTER astray,
Who, though he from the bill proposed dissents,
Yet wanders to the lobby of Contents."
Then "bold BUCCLEUGH," whose little mind not dares
To tackle WESTrBUR'S on great affairs,
Seized on the safe occasion for a storm,
When BETHEL erred upon a. point of form.
In the Commons, warm did: the discussion wax
On HunBARD's murmuring againstt the Income Tax-
The tax which all men's indignation moves,
And GLADSTONE still defends, yet disapproves.
But the division HUBB.taD overthrew-
Against him, ninety-nine-for, sixty-two.
Next PAGET, who the Admiralty controlS,
Called Cupola,Captain over his own; CoG ;,
But soon our praise regains by an attack
On cursed crimps that live on luckless JACK.
Finally, SALoarAs asks the leave of State.
That Sydney sovereigns here may circulate;
But HANKEY answers SALOMIANsI, "No, thank'ee!"
Fearful of coiners' arts and hank7y-panky.
On Wednesday-May fourteenth-the Commons sit,
IHar DizzY's piety-M'DONoGH'S wit-
PAKINGTON's satire-EsTCOURT'S argumontsi;
No wonder that they early struck their tents!
The whole discussion's on TRELAWNEY's bill
To change for Church Rate Offerings of Free Will;
BatI the Establishment Dissenter and Jew
Prays for--and so would prey up-n them too.
In vain TRELAWNEY shows that church must fail,
Which "takes the road and levies a black-mail;
In vain BRIGIT begs those,.who support its cause,
Not to insist the church lives but by laws.
In vain the kindly LEWIS toils and tries
To join all parties in a compromise !
PAKINGTON gibbers-pious DizzY prates
And one's majority inflicts the rates.
On Thursday--May fifteenth-the Lords distil
Through their alembic Voters Register Bill,
And WESTBURY declares, beyond a doubt,
The Lower House has called the Upper out.
First in the Commons SEYMOUR asks of GREY,
What Maidstone's magistrate have got to say ?
And GREY replies-They make their case out strong,
With general libels to support their wrong.
The Merchant Shipping Act Amendment Bill
Contrives the time till nearly two to fill;
My land-born muse its various clauses skips,
Lest she should be at sea, too, like the ships.
To Irish Bills the House next turns its mind,
But Ireland's members do not seem inclined;
They wish not Peace Preserved nor Pensions given-
What is it they do wish, i' the name of heaven F
I do not know, nor I suppose do you-
Nor did the House, which left its work at two.

Mt 2. 12. 18f8t3 ]* Tm "8

THE COMIC ENCYCLOPAEDIA A CATALOGUE OF SINS.
OF F .NNY AND ENTERTAIING KNOWLEDGE. UR LY the International Exhibit.
tion Commissioners have done
,AE RISTER--A leader in a court "o enough with their hideous barn,their
--of law, to whom in his professional -meannes, and their muddled nav,
I capacity the abstract question of to make England a laughing-stock,
Right or among, truth or falsehood, without taking the further trouble
Ir morality r profligacy, is equally to disgrace the nation with their
mindifferent. Expounding the one art ctalogue! We find no halt
S 'or defending the other, he has only with the arrangement and form of
t't stw9etlie interests of his client, it, for which there is ample exomse
ndwe4 ~the attorney has prepared but we must, in the name of the
.hWli an the takes his wig, no englishh people, eprss oar unmitl.
*,in tV.tel ad t the contents may be. Aat d-disgust at the rhodonntade
S barrister always ought which the commissioners have
Sw t a oemnpt Arom attacks, as we allowed to be prefixed to the varion
.should ever quarrel with a man divisions by some person, whose
Swibh fit a ease. Formerly, bar- Conceited modesty in alxing only
Baitame wer e oaUlled apprentices of ies nitialt, F. T. P., seems to take
Si slir9tlilas they never served it for granted that all the world
a~t4uirfhilik, but only served out knows iconcelment. Of course, he must
?their flienit, -the nominal iodent have i for algene y recognized nam or
t o waere r dmncelled. At later why shout e t all? Unls those letter point
period itbwascustomary for'thim plainly tosbme h be dispensedwith, or
to'tmrn np.tlir cuffs to show that any otherdbiter 0%s the letters A8. 8.
they ihad 'onose into court with much betr. _.iwt Wiis Inspectr of Shools
cleaibandsandthey-thus acquired of Art assumes a A er of apportioning
Stheappellatfi of bare-wristem. fame,,motJnly I tl ndolptre would
ihBarru.--4he exchange.of one hbe ,h idignaion to a
thR ag for another so ithat itf dnAl 4ywhid paintings of a LawZmcn
pvnlatic encimuter onae i fiethr ana ite sapeks of
a ,blow and the samId ,gives We- : g on-
another blow in .arehange,anaapbrdflensaction of tabrter nea plane all hr jm i
between tBem. This, -wlidh iAs Wame -berterig3 '-lly t1 plume l P11W .lili c.ia
among barbarons-people. E Itl e*
BAS rsE- have bee- jfafl art 1F;as_ a -- _4'sa ii wh
thing else. When the tpm lt iWt, A d x an imbeole, whose
assortainit of elegant twigs w Aai-srndat-em operation described in
Britons, who politely handed them dowr 'to posterity. sapWllse r Hudibras.
furnishes the material used,'but at the sight of a basket, e~wiaterea st
is felt in what has been done towards the osierr than what has been
done towprds the stocking. IENIDS OB OES.
BATH-is now taken in a much ider acceptation than formerly. -GoziM Vtmo ( te(M ) out a In y, .
Cold, plunge, shower, vapour, and Turkish baths are to be met with One Wlaa (H) tra late,
in all our large cities, and the tide of civilization woUld .seem.to have. Wtch riatedraa nd-tmiwa 'tm fDo
at~ar easheddstigthewi,,ark i&or nidohasprovided baths for its Ju3ta the title stated.
men, lm :batheibritsa wimmnin. ia8 lbaths b amhaerameual a:,,dniratin _
expreeabs'iaerpot int4smpo. r4Tlherireahing influences of the bath
have been generally acknowledged as tending more than anything A LUNATIC.
else-oino -eifin-andmboiy. ;anditis-eneObrd-th popular I sar, old felw, look ihenw, I ave made enoo a good widdle. TYo
song.wriripr ,wi*h od d dd.himself before his.bath unable to produce know what a middle is,--an infterwetigg qostipn with a widdle-
anotherlyrino meotis of,it.in a-tteoaf onpletenew ditty. he widdleicalous answer. Illtgs t;heJd a Is t'ter than that one
Tarishb iai nopBtsiBwellunderstoodthat i need no longer fighter about dwafts. Ifthe man in the moonwas my oweditor (heoldn'tbe,
any~odyJi hogh.itmanst always be consideredd to act as a deter-gent. you know, bt that's a thing a fellow can't make oat), why would my.
;BrrAL.-4--n absur. way. of.,eciding national dispuiteS, equaly owaditbelike SAx Halha! It's sogood. Because it woald be
irrational with the mode of settling arguments by wagers An army lna tick. See the ideaw I y, put it in, old tfllaw,rdIEll gi
is tossed up by a general on a field of battle, and victory is declared yea a bottle of hAirdwye, if yo onat tealauy fsllaw.-I.nual(of
according to what comes dowBn, ihe m-mnber .f-hieads turning up at Comein .doJ,4if.EdAlt o -lBB--_e). .DuafXAay.
the end of the day being counted and supposed to show the winner.
Both in love said war an engagemnet is a serious atatter to con-
template, and in each case when we fly to arms we have to abide by .fMt :Mrw r Bo1 oV.-V-he._ J a su mll nn.s w e wr told,
the decision. That which is said to settle all after willtheroire e mneermmsi, but obscve, lik4hoe wio look at the e, a m nifo
found no joke. It is curious to observe as an illustration -of the gravodemeaour. Is itmno~ poible, there -to jd fmothid
natural pugnacity olfthe human race, that many believe whenwe fight cmgmintce-d a Japan itlf may be that which p h-ibopeij i r
no more battles with regularly trained armies everybodywmil then join so longs time,iand o inefeot.ally, basmebn trying todiovnr-lAe
in a general mill-enninm. centre ofgraity?
Bar, when applted to horses, signifies a-rown colour. The color ,c Ys BAINS wrIT eWs-his old 0 saying Iha gBai
maybe of various shades-a one-horse chay'd beingrery common, veified in an ernedenglyarmi snible maumer. Two dayder e
A sporting gentleman who was going to Spain once offered to back reent ex ordin a eyee.sodi mNwgta we 'l tart th ts th~~ert
the Bay of Biscay against all others as being the roughest-going taken plen at Hor ea ger-lane; and, on making inqurie at be
Spanish chestnut.bay he had ever got across. Bay is also the name priso, fna at in this insane, it wo an escape of-aie
given to a number of .trees or sbrubs more or les resembling the priso, fondthatl, min Tere is an r eport t ID
apurel. The old poets were generally represented as crowned'with IGo nciL z lmutasc-There is a report em-at in has-
bays, and there are' fw modern poets, who would never have had te to tie e cothr n A erica nl o sn
crown as long as they lived, that have not had, at some time or other lonMger, asomaerce-t .ne to s p. 'e
11 hope--an belisee--th-i is -repot, oww ra'rear en wayb n,
the y-leaves sent after them. Oat of compliment, as is generally hope-d lie- is t may n
supposed, to a dramatic poet, when a heavy five-act play is represented ortha
the stage is .covered with green blsae. in reality, however, it is Wn uL lEoR0s, ncr Proan s T nk n-A BleT ne sapeI O aor-
merely symbolic ofthe play and its conseaquendes, this kind of bke respondent rdi tat those who eject "to in 0teatsusl
being merely common stu4 withalongap. Exhibition a handsome beildi&g, aM wemad Stt dissppaoltmnt.

OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 10.-BY Miss H-in-- M--T-N--v.
I CAN see no sound reason why girls should not be trained to make
jokes as well as to do anything else. If women knew how to be
comic, by method and rule, every household would be an abode, not
only of love, but of pleasantry, which is love's handmaiden. In these
lays of universal economy, the working man should be able to find in
his own home that supply of amusement which the moral system con-
stantly demands, to replace the loss, by wear and tear, of intellectual
hibre and tissue. It is true that for a penny he can purchase a number
of FUN; and, properly managed, there is enough laughter in this to
last him a week. But we must not overlook the powerful temptation
to enjoy the whole pennyworth at a sitting, and, in the hearty and
healthy exercise of a strong appetite for humour, to exhaust the stock
which, carefully husbanded, might have served well to enliven six
hard-working days. Now, if that man's wife had been taught
facetious principles, he could have devoured his entire number of FUN
without apprehension of having to go without such invigorating food
for the rest of the week. I have known a remarkably happy instance
(f domestic jocunlarity. The wife of a journeyman umbrefla-maker
was not only witty herself, but the cause of wit in him ; so that his
Employer, pIrceiring the man's comic capabilities, offered him a liberal
price for a light and sportive handbook, setting forth the history of
the umbrella, and a list of its prices from the earliest period to the
present time. 'The same invaluable helpmate was accustomed always
to speak in so pointed a tone that, if a pun was not actually apparent,
her husband took for granted that there was one, and laughed ac-
cordingly. In the same way, if she asked him any simple question,

as whether he preferred potatoes plain, mashed, or fried, he would
think it was a conundrum, and return some clever answer.
The day, I am convinced, is not distant when the wisdom of wit
will be appreciated, and women will learn to say good things as they
learn to spell, to sew, to make gruel, to buy fish, meat, and vegetables,
and to dress their babies.

ADVERTISEMENTS EXTRAORDINARY.
IN the Times, at the beginning of the month, were two curious
paragraphs. The first ran-"Like a ship without a rudder, in
apparent calm, she will sink without aid. Give some sign!" Tho
sign we should feel tempted to give would be the application of our
index finger to the side of our nose, with a spasmodic twitch of the
nether eyelid. Who, but the writer of a nautical romance, would pen
such rubbish as this ? Ships don't go down in a calm, because they
have lost their rudders. The next is still funnier:-"A. E. S.-I have
not heard from you for a week, and have no idea where you are.
N'import-' where ignorance is bliss,' etc.; and PATTT is really charm-
ing." What right has A. E. S. (whose second initial should be
identical with the last, in order fully to describe him) to make use of
MADaEMOISn.LLE PATTI'S name to raise his absent fair one's jealousy?
He ought to be a happy fellow, if ignorance of French constitutes
bliss.

A PERFORMANCE has taken place at the Crystal Palace, entitled,
Lore is Riind. Love in Venice, therefore, must be a Venetian blind.
SNws FOR THE i'ALLET.--Duty off hops.

No. XX.--EATI'S DESIGN.
ONE day it chanced that into Death's head
A brilliant fancy came-
"They are talking of Art and of Industry,
Let me try my hant at the game! "
So he changed his steely dart for a brush,
While he hugely grinned for mirth ;
And thus in a paperhanger's guise
He visited the earth.
He planned a paper with twining boughs,
And leaves of the emerald sheen ;
And he painted his pattern cunningly
With the poisonous arsenic green.
" Ho! ho said he, "for the nightshade wreath,
For that is the plant for mo;
With its delicate leaves and its deadly juice,
So fatal and fair to see!"
Oh bright was the colour his paper bore,
And exquisite the design;
And he grinned a ghastly grin at his skill
In the paper-hanging line!
And he hung his work in a nursery,
Where the little children played;
And the children sicken'd-the line of health
In their cheeks began to fade.
And so they sank with a swift decline,
And drooped, and dropped away;
Oh! Death, he smiled in his triumph rare,
As he carried off his prey.
But he left his secret behind with the trade,
His secret of arsenic green;
And many an honest penny the trade
Has turned by it since, I ween.
For many a mother's darling now
That secret's victim falls,
While the treacherous paper's lovely green
Smiles brightly upon the walls.
But the trade that trades with human lives,
Not long shall justice shirk;
There's a vengeance in store for those who thus
Do Death's-and the Devil's-work!

ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
THE Moon is about to attend at a public dinner, after which she will
be full for several days.
Notice to ConistcllZtons.-Bootes soled and repaired on the shortest
notice.

1S 5.
I) M

MAY.

Solemn Dirge.-Burying the dead of night.
Match at St. Georgo's, lInnovor-square, between tho All-
England IHeloven and tho Australian Sheleven. Depar-
tore oftho happy pair for Loch Loven, which they will
soon be leven for somlowhoro else.
Black Prince born ; kept by Ethiopian serenaders.
FuIN.
(Cromnony of laying tle dust (weather pormitting).
llobdmalidal Rovival of Old Unglish Sports.- Catching a
cold.
May Mootiing at Lodge (No.) ) of the Simpering Slhephelrds.
The flock will be addressed by a member of thle Ilna.
Pass word, "All's wool." In ease of illness, a
doctor on the spot will bleat any one. Roast, lahb for
dinner-a very lamlb-on-tablo aflhir; after which ia l(e-
ture onl CAIllUNAL WOOLSEY.

TIHE GAiRDIN.
loi to liimke e Froimt Garc'd.- If you have only ia bUck garden,
and require ono n above, observe the following rullo (1~ out, sil, lelhind
your back garden ; it will thus be in front of you, and all that you wish
for is obtained.
Now is your Time for planting roots. Government clerks omnploy
all their time in this occupation, as being a more matter of routiim.
John Bunny'mu puts us a question. Our answer is, Yes, rabbits can
be planted ; haven't you heard of roots of hare ? Now then, conw.
The IHeliotrope is a dainty plant, and requires great, care. Go out,
every morning, asleep if possible, and rinso it out gently with (old
tea. Shake three grains of soft sea-water end balsan juice over the
irritated parts. Strike yourself all of a lheap, and porspiro forcibly.
This should be repeated at intervals every second.
Dandelion.-A very rare lower in tli i country, though prlhaps
the dandelioness is still more uncommon. Apply t tlie Zoological
Gardens. On Sunday afternoon the monarch of the forest, drelssv i in
a blue tail coat, brass buttons, and hligl shirt collars, is thi bost,
specimen we now possess of the geis dandy lion.

KITCHEN GARDENE.
Parsnips.-Easily procured: get your father to piolh your arm
sharply several times ; these will be pa's nips.
Carrots.-Don't lot these vegetables go out walking aloni, at night,
lest they should be earroted. Count them over every night, aid lb
a carrot in your calculations.
Turnip.-Don't restrain your gardener's joy when lie sees the first,
turnip appear above ground, butt unbend, and cry with him, Turn-'ip
hooray !"
For Fruit Trees.-Mako cuttings and graft shoots; at least, we shoot,
if we wore you.
TO CORRESPONDENT'S.
Shall I ever mltke a Fri.itercr ? asks .1tINAIl in despair. Yes, alt
crab apples in mistake for peaches, and y, will then niakc a fruit
error.
Sir Water Cresswell.-No, your lordship; you are wrong fir once.
Malum in se, means an apple in the occan. (Wo shall have great
pleasure in putting you down for sn -:! ra nuinbor this week, pre-paid
as usual.)
Perrycles.-The chances against bringing perry to perfection are
very great; hence the Devonshire adverb used in commencing the
work is perry-venture.
Mr. Ch-s K-n.-Although you; quire:tion is iquilt irrelevant to
horticultural subjects, yet wiilh our proverbial courltiy we draw
from our vast stores of learning to inforni you that the celebrated
line-
No Mvitanel except con blsineIHi's,"
is not from SHII.\ASP' EAI:.

WANTrE,, a few active hands io collect the days as they break ;
persons of a mournful dispo:.ii on preferred.

__

1_

F8 -U iri. [MAY 24, 1862.

S \ "- \ --

,I-,.
-10

"Now, MARn, WILL YER BUY ? SHE'S A GOOD 'UN AT A CAT, A KIPPER AT A RAT, AND
CAN TACKLE ANY DORG DOUBLE HER SIZE FIFTY MILE ROUND. AH! SHE'S A BOOTT!"'

"BITTER AS GAUL."
VIERILY if we could sea ourselves as others see us, we should have good reason to be dis-
gusted with our national characteristics. The Cowrier dlu Dimanche has dispatched to
England, in the capacity of London corrcspondeut,a certain M. AssoLANT, who appears to have
consented, for weekly francs, to contribute to that moderate organ certain letters purporting
to set fortj tho principal features of London life, London politics, and London amusements, as
they at present exist, but in reality misrepresenting the British nation in a manner which only
a rabid desire to avenge Waterloo on paper could at all account for. He contrasts the
streets of Paris with those of London (of course to the disadvantage of the latter). It
is indeed true that our streets lack the magnificence which is the principal feature in the new
Parisian thorouglilhres. We have no Louvre; we have nothing whatever to compare to the
Ihivoli; perhaps the ne:r:est approach to the Boulevard des Italiens of which we can boast is
ilronmpton-row,- and the trees in Brompton-row are being cut down as we write. But there is
one important; feature in our public and other buildings which appears to have escaped M.
AssoLANT, and that is, that they are all likely to be paid for.
We are a brutalized nation, if we may believe MI. ASsoLANT, and, in support of the assertion,
ih relates the following story-there is another word, but story will do:-
This morning I met a mountebank, who, with his face all painted, attracted the public with his jokes,
and tumbled in the middle of the street. While tumbling he perceived a young girl, poorly but
decently clad, going along the pathway without pain him any attention. He gave her a hard kick,
which rmule ~ibot(t a hundred people, who were standing by, laugh. The young woman, surprised and
frightened, tried to run iawy weeping; but the mountebank, encouraged by the applause of the crowd,
and laughing that whathe did, redoubled his tumbling, and pursued her with more kicks. The public kept
on laughing and applandi'iu. 1 don't know whether such things are common in London, but I think that
brutality of the kind woull not be left unpunished either in Paris or New York."
This assertion requires no comment. It will be sufficient to call attention to M. ASSOLANT'S
un-Frenchman-like modesty. Ho does not allude to, or even so much as hint at, his own
brave interference on the poor girl's behalf. He forgets to mention how that he,
boiling with indignation at the unmanly outrage, collared the motley scoundrel, and handed
him over to the civil executive. For to suppose for a moment that a humane Frenchman would
stand by and see a poor unoffending girl brutally kicked by a mountebank, without inter-
fering for her protection, is to insult the brave and chivalrous nation to which he belongs.

CoN. BY oun R.A.-Whyl are artists like washerwomen ?-Because they never think their
task accomplished until t!:'ir works are hung on the line.

RUMOUR.
WHO is it that contrives to spread
Those strange reports we daily hear?
By whom are those odd stories said
That in the newspapers appear ?
Who takes the trouble to invent
Those statements which are so absurd?
Who framed the paragraph that went
The round about what ne'er occurred ?
Oh! wondrous voice and leather lungs
Of Rumour, with her hundred tongues.

When people question with a wink,
And give responses with a shrug,
And when they ask you what you think,
If finger in your vest be dug;
If hints be only slily dropped,
If tones a hidden sense convey,
'Tis wondrous ere the leak be stopped,
How characters will ooze away.
Oh! wondrous whispers breathed through
lungs
Of Rumour, with her hundred tongues.
Who says the firm of SMITH and JONES
Is in a shaky state at last ?
That BROWN, who has shares in foreign loans,
Is to the dogs proceeding fast ?
Who is it, pray, that always knows
What ministers intend to do ?
Who is it that so clearly shows
That England's going to ruin? Who!
That wondrous voice, those leather lungs,
Of Rumour, with her hundred tongues.
Who says our friends, the Japanese
Ambassadors, are always slow;
That nothing seems their sight to please
Except a pretty girl or so ?
Who says that TENNYSON before
He writes takes half a pint of rum ?
That BULWER LYTTON never more
Before the public means to come?
Oh! wondrous voice and leather lungs
Of Rumour, with her hundred tongues!
Who says the Exhibition can
Be never made at all to pay ?
That KELK and LUcAs off have ran
Because the floor has given way?
Who says that, dine where'er you will,
There's nothing got that's fit to eat;
That most exorbitant's the bill
That follows only bread and meat ?
Oh! wondrous mouth and leather lungs
Of Rumour, with her hundred tongues!
Who says that JENNY GOLDSCHMIDT LINED,
Has lost her voice, sings out of tune ?
That DICKENS with his audience thinned,
Is off to Ballarat in June ?
Who says that THACKERAY'S looking old,
And means in Parliament to speak?
Who says the Cornhill lIag. is sold,
That FUN is going to drop next week?
Oh! wondrous voice and leather lungs
Of Rumour with her hundred tongues.
Who is it when the new lessee
Will open the Lyceum, states,
His smart stage-manager will be
A gentleman named EDMUND YATES ?
Who is it-but why give the list
Of half the rumours that we hear,
Enough that we with this insist,
The author 6f them shall appear,
That we may tan those leather lungs,
And silence Rumour's hundred tongues.

WANTED, an artist to draw a badger.

MAY 24, 1862.]

F U LS.

LETTERS FROM A YOUNG MARRIED LADY.

No. VII.-CONCERNING A DISGRACEFUL FRAUD IN HIGH LIFE.
SSUREDLY, dear Mr. Editor, you
will agree with me that the fol-
lowing advertisement, which ap-
peared the other day in the Times,
is a disgrace to its originator:-
LA ADY, of high title and first posi-
A tion, will receive, father husband's
west-end mansion, a lady, wishing to
Se properly presented, or aspiring to
advantages derivable from ain i itroduc-
tion to exclusive society. Confidence
must be kept, name and all circum-
stances stated, and no ambiguous in-
quiries will succeed. 5,000 is requi-
site.-K.G., etc.
Of course, I needn't say that
my attention was directed to this
shoclcing advertisement by my
amiable and affectionate husband,
who is only too happy if he can
manage to hit upon any flaw or
Sblemish in the constitution of the
society to which he was born, and
i in which, if le only knew what
was, dse to hilnself atd to his wife,
he would move at the present
moment. I need not say, either,

Composition appeared to amuse
his lordship as much as it amtoyed
and jiritated and vexcd and dis-
gusted me. It is indeed dreadful
to think of the terrible struggle
this poor old peeress (I'm sure
she's old) must make in order
that she may be enable to support
the dignity of her title in a proper
S. and becoming manner. Actually
.- to get a living by introducing
people of doubtful character into
a class which prides itself espe-
oially on its aristocratic exclsv.s'eness and its igh moral tone What a
shameful fraud on her own private friends, who little think at the
present moment that their darling duchess or their dear countess (by-
the-bye, I should like so to know who it is) is preparing to wound their
most cherished prejudices by introducing into their society, as a dear
personal friend of her own, a woman who has bought that friendship for
5,000,-a woman, moreover, who is not only not a lady, but in all
probability a very, very long way from being one.-Sincerely'yours,
Kensington Palace Gardens. ANGELINA BROWN.

OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
OnR library table is at present in a state of great confusion, but
from among the books which lie before us we pick out MR. AUSTIN'S
"Human Tragedy," which is very elegantly bound and clearly
printed. Perhaps a few words (they would necessarily be very few
indeed) might have been said as to the literary merits of this work,
but the remembrance of having once waded through My Satyr in
his Senses (or some similar name), by the same author, caused us
to decide that not one word of this present volume would we read.
Whatever, therefore, we may say in our position of reviewer, will be
appreciated by the public as highly impartial and thoroughly unbiassed.
The book can be viewed gratis, both open and closed, in one or two
booksellers' windows, and nothing more need be seen of it.
MESSRS. CHAPMAN and HALT. have repnblished iMR. GEORGE MERE--
DITH'S poems in a separate form, and the public will not be doing
very wrong if they call in at Piccadilly and spend an hour or two with
that well-known publishing firm. The partners lunch at two precisely,
after which there is half-an-hour's recreation, when the clerks play at
football with ANTIONY TROLLOPE'S novels, while MEsss. TIACKERAY,
LEVER, and talented assistants disport themselves fantastically on the
counters, and engage in swviimming matches (for a hundred pounds
aside) in the back office. Should these arran"emnt.l hold good for
the ensuing month, a notice to that effect will probably appear in
Frx.

PAN AT THE PLAY.
EC LL iewhyl shouldgo to n tIhon'tre
Swheln two eiiiiiniint, rciidians cion-
de'scenld ito 'one out, and phlIy a
diverting little free, making no
charge flor nlmi.ssion ? Even AcIs.
i MADISON MOi ONR never coinsl ciCt'Cle
I EEN chainofincident s ore thoroughly
ludicrous than tlhnt in which Mn .
THE PHANTOM VIxo, wilh his wig-oil, set, m1n.
1AN I ?D AMTIAA lT WIGAN a vhiniog, o1id 11adi 111 th
IN l I /A1 I clever BOIlnce use l:aiguilage whiCh
TO SEE ITAGAIN. \ was not horaco-tocralic, for which
S thi sitting cnmigistrate ti 1low-
street gave himi a wiggin'. The
Ssory is plain enough; in otl her
i words, i', was a plhin-tiff which
i o de o .. Glt;l VIlINIn appear
as plainliltf against M)ll. lloiAcE
I m t.W ,iNmAN. The litter gentleanin,
....' irambliug nnlong certain walk clnd
-. strys of literaltllur, st iimled over
ia portion of the .ibrnin. oef olo M1.
I VICTORIEN SAIRDOU, wlhic hie n .1h'iehtwatiy thrust inl i his own crisllilinl,
and soon spun out the material into a comedy, which hlio calledd ri,.Mnls
or Foes. Of course, he did not merely translate VV ci("lell N SAIIIInI'
comedy, Nos Intimos; nobody over translates iny plIy noiw-i-dIay
except MRa. ToM TAYL.oU, mand he marks tliho toi by calling th' pro-
duction original. IH adopted it; which proIc ss consists chilly in
this, that if character in the irench original is called .JIn Sccrrcriei'r,
you clhristen him in the adaptation .iJo/nr Locl,' HmSiit. The only I ng
that really'bothers you is the marriage contract which ligures in Ilost,
French pieces-for people don't contract marringo in Englhnl,
though some of them wear its oliiuc so loosely that it would be as
well if they did. Mit. lioaAcm WuIAN's comedy was very Hiuceosscl,
but experience proved that there was too much of it. So, by
the managerial hanl of MA. Gl.oeit. VINING the piece was cut
down, by which nil. IORACE WIGAN wasI cut upc. Then l did th
irate author simmer until he bilbled over il a very silly letter,
in which he seemed to labour undeol the impression that the imOreI
picking up of M. VICTORIEN SAHDOU'S brains hlinil Inmde tlheu his own
intellectual property. To this did Mil. G(EORImic VIINNGI risloid in
another :lttcr a trillo sillier-aI thorough young Indy's c pistle, full or
underscorings and notes of admiration ; and Iihn Mh IloIIA(Cl: WIlAN
said that I c would do soiimietliig i unpllr nasant, tO II. tl .cl(; l: V INlNi.
)Io may have meat tant lie would iask hicm fir slonic mIoney, which
is about tile in.st uinplasanlt, thing ia m111 s n do. l,. Itii, lthi iInnunger
took another view of the matter. Of course, lie wns not, i bil. al'rniil
but he had visions of an awful encounter, in which heI, ns n giood ficller,
would come into collision with Mil. JI IHlACI WVA IAN, whol iin Ia (lunlilig
boxer. Such a combat, in which each of the alssailants availed lhiislHlf
of his own peculiar resources, would lavo been so eccentric ald l founy,
that we could have forgive the breach of the peace for tli sake of
seeing it. But MR. IlolRAC'E WIGAN was bound over to liep the plnce,
and MR. GERGEo VINING took the piece out of the bill, after whlilh
he went on his way, rejoicing that lio was not doomed to cope with
HOuRcE by his horos-cope.

THE WAY THE MONEY GOES.
IT seems rather hard that ;the public may not go by the way their
money goes to make. Parliament having given the Blard of Works
(which should be called the Board of .ols) a sum of money to makoa
road across Hyde Park, the taxpayers will have to find that money.
But the taxpayer in his hansom, his wife in her four-whooler, his
eldest boy in his 'bus, are not to go by that rond. It is reserved for
the "carriage folk," who, if they will be so exclusive, should hacv the
payment for the road exclusively to themselves. We warn M il. CowNc' 1
that lie will not be Bored of Public Works very long if lie tries these
private jobs. Lot him at once open the road to the cornmon-wheel.

MlOST LIKELY.-Ther l has lately been h pnper started under the
title of Saturday Nighlt. Should it ever have a smiplnhienmIIt, wr
suppose it will be called Sunday Morvnii !
MIlNISTERllIAL INTE.LICENINiCE.-Thcer ic no truth in thlie report flt
EARL RI;SS:I., althiougl lie does live at Richmrnd, is going to hnve
the Star as well as the Garter I
A BRAss BAND.-A dog's collar.

~~_~ __

~~___

_________ 9______________- -- -----------------

100 F U IN. [MAY 24, 1862.

L ___---- _+.-+---. __ --

A VISIT TO THE MINING DISTRICTS.

First Navvy (respecting Brown, who is growing his mustaches):-" WELL, BLOW'D IF HE AINT 'ARD UP! KARN'T AFFORD TO HAVE A SHAVE!"

Ecclesiastics, instancing the Abbati, so called from their love of a
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. bat. Our secretary couldn't say a word. Poor fellow! he was suffer-
A u dn't want e to tell you who wo the Chester ing severely from toothache, having that morning had his stumps
DEAR FUN,-YOU don't because I can't, me to tell yo who won the Chester drawn by a celebrated dentist; he is shortly going to publish his
Cup, do you because I can't, except from report as, when the day interesting work, entitled, Cricket on the Earth," to which I hope
came for me to go down to Chester races, I found I hadn't got my all lovers of the game will be subscribers.
sporting suit-my regular Chester trousers-in my chest o' drawers,ere several Irishmen present, so the health of the sister isle
so I was obliged to stop at home. But what of that? Ill weeds Therewas proposed by our vice-president, with some remarks on the system
blow nobody good; and in consequence of missing the above event, of padding. This style of dress is now rendered necessary by the fast
I turned my thought in another direction-namely, cricket. ofpadding. This style of dress is now rendered necessary by the fast
I have lately been elected member of a suburban club, who make Of ourse, the ladies were drnk, and nling connexion with a time-
this truly English game their pride and pleasure. The name of our honoured cricketing name, their Lily-white hands were toasted. We I
socithe ground attaWickets Inners," and the chief matches come off at were obliged to black-ball one candidate, a very little man, said to be
the ground attahed t o the Magpie and Stumpwas un a regular cheat, who had the impudence to get himself put up on the
sidency of MR. BATTY, Ma. LEwis BALL, and other distinguished gentle- cricketing ground that he was "a short leg; I needn't say that he
men. The attendance was everything that could be desired, and I was cleverly caught out in his deception. A glass of runner was
got what I wanted, for, truth to tell, the waiters-old cricketers every handed round, and a gran match was finally settled fo the following
man JoHN of them-did stir their stumps to some purpose. Appro- day.
private mottoes were hung up round the room, written by our bowler The All-England Eleven have returned from an Australian campaign,
in a round hand. There were plenty of bowls on the table, which and we intend to give them a dinner at some future time. They are
was garnished with fresh creases. After supper, when we were going to choose another foreign place for a match; I think they said
getting convivial, our wicket keeper sung Poor Toe BOWLING," but something about Matchachusetts, or some such name. The supper
he was obliged to bawl it out in order to be audible. After this one wound up amicaly by our all joining in a catch, and I will give you
of our mea bers (who, having got into some scrape the other day, a fall account of our first grand game. Until then believe me to
was now out on bail) proposed that we should make a long stop of it remain, yours truly, TIPPETY WICKET.
that night, to which proposition we unanimously acceded. Our chief Bat-tie Abbey.
bat (sad fellow, always out late at night) came in very hungry, but P.S.-I have been asked to stand umpire for the grand rifle match
could only get some batter pudding; but hlie, facetiously imitating between the Houses of Parliament. Shall I?
MR. CHARLES KEAN, said that that didn't batter," and soon finished
the dish.
One of our oldest members read n, paper on Cricket among the SATING BY OUR SAGE IN THE STREETS.-From MADAME RACHEL
Persians, being some account of the Great Match at Run a IMede." LEvisoN's extensive enamel practice, it is clear that beauty is not
Another showed how the nolo ae nino vas lkept up among the Italian always even so much as skin-deep."

LETTERS FROM NIGH LATITUDES.-No.13.
A VISIT TO MADAME TUSSAUD'S.
DEAR ANNE,-The other day we went to MADAME TussAUn's wax-
works, an exhibition unrifled in England, containing the muddles in wax
of all the European solemnities, both desisting or diseased. The artists
who supply the room always have a cast in their eye, and directly the life
of some imminent person becomes distinct, these gentlemen make anl
imprecation to be allowed to take an impression of the features, and if
permitted, then they have the face to do it. The insultis astonishiug
and highly pleasing, for a more pleasant couple of hours I never spent
than in the Baker-street Exhibition. The large room is very hand-
some, all peer glasses and guilt, which the Chamber of Horrors is
not, being quite of a slumber character, more of which hereafter. On
entering, I was repaired to find everybody made of wax, and so looked
in my book to see the number of the gentleman sitting at a small table
on the left of the door. Oh! ANNE, how I was startled when lie
suddenly got up and said, Your parasol, mum; I'll give you a ticket
for it." I had a mind to treat it as an affront, but I was so taken
aback that I couldn't say a word. On the right-hand side sat a china-
man in wax, which I am told is quite a Pekin likeness of HOOKER, known,
I believe, as the SusPicious HOOKER, a celebrated tea-merchant, who
died of a pain in his chest, and the epithet on his colosseum was
"Coffee no more." I was much struck by a grope representing MARY
QUEEN OF SCOTS sitting down, while MR. KNOCKS and MARTIN TUPPER,
both heroes of the defamation, are standing talking about her. Here,
also stood the noble JONES OF ARK, who escaped the deluge, and
went to France, where she assumed the name of PURSELL, and a
dissenter of hers is, I am told, now keeping some celebrated refresh-
ment-rooms in the city. The defect of all the figures was quite
startling, and made me feel so giddy that, in order to recover myself,
I sat down near an old gentleman, who was intently grazing on
the sentry grope. As MARY was gone to the other end of the room,
I asked him to explain the figures to me, but he only turned his
head away slowly, and didn't say a word. Thinking that lie was
deaf I repeated my question in a louder tone, when I heard a low
laugh from a vulgar man behind me, who said, Lor, bless you,
mum; he's wax, he is;" and so he was, but the reception was

admiral. The grope at which we were looking we\l,, MAnl toll dnII,
the QUEEN, the PRINCE OF WALES, born in hii li alouifill Siowll,
dress, November 9th, 1841, and all the Royal l''inily, will SHI
CHARLES RAI'IEtR, LOltl Coi'Gil, and ilany othel'r too hliiiiIoirouI
to mention. Theo tyro IIENRY V111., with all his wives, is stRilinig in
full armour. In the coronation grope, which is, to my iiind, I th grit
sentry of distraction, there stands on a pinnacle Iabove Ille rest,
GEOtRGE IV. in gorgeous robes. There, too, is tihe lao D) hl: il
WREL.INGTON, taken early in life. The wax genitlCemeni nlld ladies
have in general rather sally complexions. For an extra sixpence
we were admitted to the Napoleon Shino, where all his relies anr
to be seen. Here lies the great EMPEROR NAPOlI'FON Oin It Hill
camp bedstead, which caused us to reflect on the sterility of human
greatness, and how we are here to-morrow and gone to-dily.
NAPOLEON is subscribed as being of short statue, but conniiallding
presents and a pleasing carriage. This last we saw in the room ; ii is
fitted up for travelling, with writing-decks and othr convCni(nc'Hs.
After leaving this, we came into the Chamber of Horrors. Oil!
dear, it was awful! A shutter ran through my fraine when I
looked at the ferocious domiciles. We were much interested by
the spectacle of a poor old gentleman, locked up in a cell of
the Pastille. In this place lie was shut until his hair lhad grown
so long that he had quite forgotten who lie was. There are two
little mice playing about on his table in a most mountainous
manner, which reminded me of the Prisoner of Shilling," by LoAnl
BYRoN. Besides all this, there are lots of muddles and llcads, on
which heads I shall say no more at present, but hoping that you
arc quite well, I remain, your affectionate sister,
lMAir ANNI; HODGKINSON.

_- ,', -*. :.s-. -r.. .:-a-W
An Alierican ilnti icion we deo'l want to she in England.
ON Friday--May sixteenth-the Lords resort
To hear LoRD CIIELMSFORD 0n the County Court ;
Of certain Fees much Faw and Fum he said,
Whereby the lawyers grind men's bones for bread.
In the CoNmons, OSBORNE some sharp words awards
To ELCHO's challenge to the House of Lords.
Shall CIIANCELLOIR and SPEAKER, rifle in hand,
Each take a tree, like sons of Yankee land ?
Next, GALLIWEI thinks that, vice PEARSON, TITE
On Westminster Improvement Board's not right;
But--though "the man for Galway"-COWPER shows
PEARSON is not the man whom Government chose.
Next, when the House resolves into Supply,
bxvATER amends the vote for Alderney;
But PAGET pleads, and, after warm debate,
The Government claims majority of eight.
Give, if you can, my muse, some reason here
For (and to) those who DrzzY's voting cheer,
The Party-man who for the amendment went,
Not for Retrenchment, but againstt Government;
That worst of ills, a clever, bold, bad man,
And not a patriot, but a partizan,
Who, for his personal ambition's sake,
"To party gives" what no one else would take;
Who, once an orator, lowly fallen of late,
Now only the Thersites of debate,
Keen sarcasm's polished dart no longer wings,
But stoops to kennels for the filth he flings.
On Mionday-May nineteenth-the Lords debate,
But prove no matter that belongs to State,
Save that LORD BATH (so weakly he behaved)
Should take his--hat-peg thither to be shaved.
In the Commons, DIZZY, as a path to power,
Takes up Economy at this late hour;
Would prostitute Retrenchment now, as erst
He milked Reform for his ambition's thirst;
PAM rises next, with laughter in his eye,
And smiling, Dizzy's platitudes puts by.
Next, GLADSTONE would that "little Bill get done"
For bringing the Brit. Mus. to Kensington,
Where Government would fresh collections poke
Into moro Boilers, modelled i la FowK ;
OSIORNE objects on very prudent grounds
To such a vote of several thousand pounds;
We cannot spare it while so scant our chest,
Ireland disturbed, and Lancashire distress;
In vain did WALPOLE argue, LEWIS quote,
Majority ninety-two upsets the vote.
Next ROBERT MON-but what have we to do
With the mild motions of a MONTAGUE ?
Last, on Preserving Peace the Commons touch,
In Ireland, where 'tis plain it's needed much;
The Bill, though much objected to, is passed-
Half after two the House adjourns, at last.
On Tuesday!-twentieth 3lay-the Lords review
The Slave Trade Treaty with America new.
In the Comtmons, BENTINCK his great mind devotes
To a return of captured fishing boats.
Next, P. O'BaREN told how IR. TRENCH
To cruel purposes law's power did wrench,
And proved a case most horrible and vile,
Of "justices' justice" in the Emerald Isle;
PEEL rises, not to thwart O'BRIEN'S views,
But, while he blames TRENCtl, yet would fain excuse.

A second reading GREY would next exact
For Chancery Lunatics Regulation Act;
CAIRNS, the great light in the Mad Windham Case,"
Some clauses with approval deigns to grace,
But thinks that one with caution must be viewed,
Which would all witness medical exclude;
WALPOLE with the proposal cannot hold,
"The old plan must be good-because 'tis old!"
Yet, though you madness would suppose to be
Of personal interest deep to each M.P.,
The tempting subject did not keep them late,
The House dissolved at twenty-five past eight.
Wednesday--May twenty-first-the Commons think
With spirit to discuss the laws of drink,
For MARTIN wants a needful rider tacked
To sweeping clauses of the Tippling Act;
AYRTON, at this beyond all measure shocked,
Hard o'er the knuckles is by ROEBUCK knocked;
For and against the measure much is said,
Which, nevertheless, a second time is read.
Next, WHITESIDE'S Judg ment Law Amendment Bill,
Though Irish, Government would Scotch or kill;
But, spite of that, it gets another stride,
As does the Land Debenture Bill beside.
May twenty-two-the Lords a second start
Give to the Copyright in Works of Art.
In the Commons, FELLOWES does some facts produce
About the Middle Level's broken sluice.
The Irish Education next comes on,
And meets grave censure from the O'CONOR DoN.
But PEEL defends-and Irish members all
Together by the ears about it fall;
But though with vigour is the battle fought,
The proposition comes in the end to nought.
ALDERNEY'S fate would AYRToN next decide,
But Government wins the day, when they divide,
Of course Economy's battle is not won,
Though that's the hour at which the work is done.

RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR THE PROPER MANAGE-
MENT OF COAL MINES.
(Published without the authority of the Board of Trade.)
IN descending the shaft, the miners are to get into the cage, and
not to perch outside.
During the descent the miners are not to allow their elbows to
project from the cage, as much injury to the sides of the shaft is
caused thereby.
If any miner be of a quarrelsome disposition, he is not to be allowed
to descend with the others, for fear'they should fall out.
If the rope should break during the descent, the miners are to
make the best of their way to the bottom of the shaft, and report the
circumstance to the proper officer.
No profane swearing is to be allowed, but every miner will be
permitted to take his davy.
During any naval war, the miners aro not to leave their occupation
to join a ship, but the viewer may go to see at any time.
A miner is not to be made to use any particular tool, but must
have his pick.
The underground captain is to direct the manner in which the coal
is to be worked, as it may seam best.
Should any miner's lamp become accidentally extinguished, he is to
keep it dark, until he can obtain a ligat.
SIf any explosion should occur in the mine, the report of it is
instantly to be forwarded to the Government Inspector.

MANY persons living near railways complain of being disturbed in
the night from the continual noise, which they say quite puts them
on their metal. It is all very well for. these people to rail, although
it certainly is hard lines, particularly for old buffers; but when the
very sleepers, over which the trains run, are not disturbed, unless by
some accident they get a little upset now and then, we do not see
how others can complain, so engine them to keep quiet, or tender
notice to their landlord.
Wnu does a cabman think it is a fine day when it rains hard ?-
Because he considers it fare-weather.
ThE SMUGGLER'S MOTTO.--"England expects every man to do his
duty."

MAY 31, 1862.]

F TT.

10:1

RUTHIN AND HER BARD. ALMANACK AND DIARY.

UTHIN is a town in North Wales, METEORILLOIAICAL AND ASTl1111.OGlt;iAl. NOTICES.
and in Ruthin we have had the THE dog-tlar is the guide of barqull,, mad lthe olioansi by this s
good fortune to discover a blush- directed their pupps.
ing, poetic violet, which, but for i Our readers will be glad to her thlat thel stars ro formii. au vohl telrt'
the fact that the aroma of is song corps; in this, of course, the shooting stars iave taken the lead.
has reached the nostrils of the while "load stars" is the order of thle night.
/ Editor of Fl:., would have lived The Latest Baronet.- Last night.
and died ill Ruthin, unseen anod Aluportiflt.---In monusequenco ol o ur having set utp in our oll ice neow
unknown. We regret that want electro-magnetic-doublv-revolvin telescope of sixty lhorse-powver
of space forbids our printing (warranted to carry i,800.,0,000 iet., miles nod ba'k without
more than the first three verses stopping, excepting of (coursolen t niitlles allowed for refreshmntl ,).
of t his charming poem, but we we are now able to inform the plubliv what boI.onlles of Ith coin, ls
think our readers will agree how iany stars can hli discovered by tlI unclolled[ (oliservi oi'r
with us that eveon this instalmton delicacy) oye, and several other intrcestitng facts. 'Tile e 5\tlir l;r'
will quite sufiioo to prove the tih next two months can also e s ion finln i g-rcat disltaincI, nll
author's claim to a conspicuous the following observ' ions laven hole nade Two or thlie ,ii
place in the columns of FuN. It wet somewhere, and fine sonlowivher') (,!; wild, rnlilld ltho e, r' 11.,
_ul -. only remains for us to add that the southerly ; thunder, Monlay (dalte uni'rtliin) ; li.-ihtning, Tlesday
bard has, with admira-ble judg- following; both Wednesday, neither Th'insda.y.
I l nmont, selected for his theme Oftho wind we an say nothing mIore th111111 above stated, for it was
S the astounding revolution about to so high as to be out of thle rea-l ol' v\ein Iour gilasts.
be made in the prospects of his
native town by the apeaing of the Ruthin Railway. )t.
"Dear mo. what Ea eaneo the RaiIway attraction, -
Ttheatgh the Vale of w ts thousands in motion! 25 s Clerical water party t.o i1cl-pi Islaind ; Iisllop of Eely in
What will he the shouts of tacclanmtion, tlhe chair.
W-'. ~'. I.,..ir.-.I I. '.. the Ruthin Station? 2; M Savnges' Festival, iance of Indian Chiefs and lu k,,er
It",'... I ,. Ilt,, heol.i_. --
N.-."- i. n,' u ,., i M i, I ...1..,: Chiefs oin a foreign ls ore.
A'.i u,l,, I.. ,. I ,* I-. i. ting 27 Tu Revival of Old English Sports. --lhll.biting in cllgraivill,
The melodious strains of the great rejoicing-- an White-hni iin. at Greenwich.
Sing high. sing low, sing high down gaily,W Dan foiTt1ittii lfItC 'eettwiei.llgWL-1 t So
Rathin tovsaimp 1vitgd'ily. 28 W Day for Visiling the Riel ,FtN.ishing Warehouse, Si,
Flcct-street; it you want :- in,.tiln.:. like sideboard,
The good old town shall get, 'tis truly, get your clhif-fuil-her.
By Railway soon its wreath of glory,
When the sovereigns of the world shall freely 29 T1 IBrowers' Anniversary.-.Faldangoes nd other hops byI
Come in with robes r 1 .1. r...i Ilcbrews and Shebrows imbrued in wickedoRss. liA 1-
t .. .,i protect from dger, CLAY and 1'(NS created Knights of Mn1llan; Sllt
1. I II protect from danger,
Ouir ganll': tro^r" ---ill' r*lr thr ,-indler. .VID III:WSTI il the chair. Show oflit broad or
Then w soth.ill :.. ..... .*...: ...'i.r:- chickens presented Iby Coo1, frioml tlhe real s of Ind.
Sing iigh, sing low, otc. .30 F Deputation ks tile Mons of ,St. Glonr It, i CtIAII:.s
"Let thousands go to California, hMl.TIEWS nl t (Gore IliHU. living reqlhM1RI I .'ivto
Across the seas, and to Australia; his enterlnininll, lo r nothing, 11 co0eirto14 -ly re11 li,
Tell thosand more sonic ftre day "lo-ar long," and ifll reverend genttline retir,,
Will ttlle a trip by ttle ClOwydiau Riailway
I- th -.- n- friends, let's fill our glasses, highly pleased with tlioir reception.
i.... b .t ..... but happyfaces-- 31 s First meeting in Exoetr Hall oin hnhlf of Ili, E'e:ied
To. a our ,,.. I -..-.,' ..|...I ...s Convicts 0,omnmunlic'ation Fund Soviehty.
To all oar ft I .. -',.... .
Sing ., '. i- ..
T'll I < I ; Al! :LN.
There is something impressive in the simple wonderment expressed
by the poet in the first five words at the introduction of the triumphs Practical Directions for Gardelrs. -\VWen \wv(ldig, don'l, lh1111v
of engineering skill among the untutored rustics of Ruthin valley. your wwods and stones in thie middle if tIl ravrel path, .--tinds yoil
The verse concludes with a charming little piece of imagery, in which like to do so, in which Case nl, advico of' oursl will Ipr'ven' oI.
the very hills are represented as infected with the general joy, and To Transplatln 1F'liw .-s f, 'o. ,t.lt p'.rt of th, (U,., '" I, th, ,ll, ( r.
in their delight at being tunnelled and viaducted, join in a part-song This operation required : some oarc. "Firstl procure a' wlholbar ow;
(with scores for various voices, for they sing high and low, and even this is enough lor one week. We'll tell you the rest, next tinm.
high down gaily) to the effect that Ruthin town is on the high road Economy is to ie observed. line your gardener his wng,', .evn if
to prosperity. tho's spade by the tday.
In the opening lines of the second stanza we learn that a wreath of Nowt is the timo for sowing heavy whip-halndlo;, with a view to
glory may be confidently expected by an early trein, together with hunting crops in the winter.
all the crowned heads of Europe. For the future, in the vales A Lawn shRmiuld havo a dark green ivehlet l rnp,,,i'rin. Esily
of Ruthin all is to be happiness ; virtue is to predominate, and troopIs Imaiagod. Emplty pails of water on it every nirnitrll; it, will Ihcen

are to be maintained for the sole purpose of "charging the swindler;"
but whether the swindler is to be charged before a magistrate, or at
the point of the bayonet, is not very clear.
In. the third verse we regret to find a smack of refined dissipation
which, i strongly suggestive of Tio IiAs MOORE ; but our space will
only admit of a superficial glance at the many beauties of this
magnificent poem. We havo now merely to call attention to tihe
noble, independent spirit which,,scorning the trammels of a slavish
conventionality, disdaining to betied down to a mechanical jingle of'
syllables, shows itself in. the contempt for mere rhyme, for which
the poem is remarkable.
[NOTE.-We shall expect from the poet a handsome percentage
on the pension which LORD PALMERSTON will grant hIun after reading
this notice.--E.]

PooR BRowN, who is married, says the only peace he over has is a
piece of his lady's mind.

lpoCtlly assunm a Veil vet nppcIarance.

GAIRDIENING( COR(IltES ONDENCIE.
A Ribstone Pippin is 0, 'wiious fl'vii,'" saysI correspondent(. IY'',
a very curious fruit; it is always a prying and a pippin Iabout.
"What," askl Pre-Adamitc, "isl the forbidden fruit?" Ask your
doctor.
Pharma, asks, Must a field of wheat be phlntdil straight ?" Wo
answer, Yes, unless it's all o' rye.
Dig Tuppin.-Calcoolaria is a country dauce.
Spout wishes to know if, when Ito wants th'e money, he cain pawn
any flowers? Of course he can, or what is tbo use of poppies : ?

Gussy to his Cousin :-" I SAY, MILLIE DEAR, WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?"
Millie (after a little consideration) :--"WELL, I DON'T KNOW, QUITE. WIAT HAVE YOU GOT IN YOUR POCKETS ?

BY YOUR FRENCH LEAVE.
TIE following extract from a small French littdrateur's note-book,
found near Leicester-square, has been forwarded to us. Any one
recognizing the style, on further describing the contents of the paper,
may have the original document on payment of expenses.
I have been in England three weeks. I have seen all the city of
London. I have learnt all the very difficult language. The people
are contemptuous, and all barbers and savages. You cannot see one
inch before you, for there is fog all day. There are no people in
England. They are shopkeepers or shoeblacks. The inhabitants
of London speak English all day, even the gaming boys in the streets.
The richest traders are the makers of umbrellas. There is no religion
in England, except what is arranged by the Private Council of State.
The bishops are all very fat men, with two or three wives and a
family; this latter is compulsory. They spend their days in cock-
fighting and badger-baiting. Some unite the cothurnus with the
pastoral staff, and appear on the boards of the Theatre Haymarket
and Adelphi. The inferior clergy are paid by the day. First in eccle-
siastical rank comes the beadle, next the archbishop, then the
Bishop of Bond-street, who is a great dog-fancier. The finest building in
London is the Globe newspaper office in the middle of Leicester-square.
There is no liberty of the press. SIR PALMERSTON and my EARL
RUSSELL print the Times between them. Every person is forced by
these aristocrats to buy a copy. The police are all spies. The men
are grim, the women unhappy. The other day, as I was walking along
a street, I saw a great big butcher run at his wife, drag her hair off,
kick her, and finally tear her limb from limb. A crowd of more than
three hundred men applauded, and carried the butcher in triumph to
Milord Maire, by whom, on his introduction, he was greatly honoured.
The savages !
On Sunday all the houses are shut up while the inhabitants retire
into the back rooms and got drunk. In the afternoon the high classes

go out in the Decomposed Roe. They are all intoxicated. They drink
all day porter beer, and in every public-house there is a notice that
beds can be had, to which the drunkards are hourly carried. The ser-
pentine river receives the drainage of London. The men say goddam
to every remark, and there is, I am told, even a large town in England
called Goddamming. They are a miserable people. My landlady re-
fused to lend me more than one shilling and sixpence. I have got
that money, and leave Albion never to return. Sacre the police !"

EPIGRAM ON A NOTORIOUS HANDBOOK.
SAY, where is Sculpture's true Art to be found,
And where Art Criticism pure and sound ?
Behold where Art and Criticism meet
At number twenty-nine in Welbeck-street!

MOST FULLY ACCOUNTED FOR.-MR. B. OSBORNE says there is
nothing, after all, surprising in the recent very extraordinary acts of
LORD WESTBURY, by which his lordship has made himself appear so
exceedingly ridiculous; for, considering the seat he occupies in the
Lords, it is plainly manifest that lB senses must have been wool-
gathering for some time past.
JONES thinks that the adoption of crinoline has tended to keep
marriageable young men on the outskirts of female society. No
doubt, whilst the fashion lasts, milliners' bills must continue to be a
good round sum.
ALL THE DIFFERENCE.-What is the difference between man and his
mother earth ?-The latter shows its furrows in spring, the former
his in autumn.
GREAT CONFEDERATE Loss.-We fancy by this time that it must be
loss of heart.