FAMILY ISSUES -> Miscellaneous

FEEDING AND CLOTHING THE WIFE

It is wâjib on the man to provide his wife with food and clothing. Irrespective of how rich the wife may be, the responsibility of feeding, clothing and providing shelter to the wife rests entirely on the shoulders of the husband.

If the nikâh has been performed but she has not gone to live with her husband as yet, she can still claim for the food and clothing. However, if the husband wished to take her to his house and she did not go or was not sent by her parents, then as long as she does not go, she will not be entitled to ask for any food or clothing.

The wife is so young that she is incapable of engaging in sexual intercourse. Despite this, if the husband takes her to his house so that she may be able to fulfil the domestic tasks or to merely please himself, then in such a case it will be wâjib on him to provide her with food and clothing. If he does not keep her and instead sends her to her parent's home, it will not be wâjib on him. If the husband is young and immature and the wife is mature, she will be entitled to receive food and clothing.

The man did not give the mahr that is normally given in the beginning. The woman therefore refuses to go and live with him. She will have to be provided with food and clothing. But if she refuses to go to his house without any valid reason, she will not be entitled to receive any food or clothing. Once she goes to him, she will be entitled to receive the mahr.

For as long as she stays at her parent's home with the permission of her husband, she can ask her husband to provide her with food and clothing.

A woman falls ill. While she is ill, she is still entitled to receive food and clothing from her husband. This is irrespective of whether she falls ill at his house or at her parent's house. However, if the husband asks her to come and live with him while she is ill and she refuses to go, she will not be entitled to receive any food or clothing from him.

While she is ill, she will only receive the expenses for her food and clothing. It is not wâjib on the man to provide her with medication or to pay the doctor for her treatment. She has to pay for it herself. If the man provides this, it will be out of his good will.

A woman went on hajj. During this period it is not wâjib on the man to give her any food or clothing expenses. But if the husband accompanies her as well, he will have to provide her with food and clothing as well. However, it will only be wâjib on him to provide the food and clothing that used to normally cost him at home. Any extra expenses in this regard will have to be borne by her. Providing for the costs of transportation is also not the responsibility of the husband.

In providing food and clothing, the financial position of both will have to be considered. If both are rich, she will receive the food and clothing which rich people are accustomed to. If both of them are poor, she will receive that of poor people. If the husband is poor while the wife is from a rich family or vice versa, she will receive food and clothing that is of an average quality and price. In other words, it will be such that it is cheaper than the food and clothing of rich people, but more expensive than the food and clothing of poor people.

If the wife is so sick that she cannot undertake all the domestic duties, or she is from an upper-class family and cannot do the menial tasks of the home such as cooking, cleaning, etc. and regards them as being below her dignity, then she will have to be provided with food that has been prepared and cooked by someone else.

If she is not sick nor is she from an upper class family, it will be wâjib on her to fulfil all the domestic duties with her own hands. All domestic tasks will have to be fulfilled by her. The responsibility of the man is merely to provide her with a stove, a grindstone, groceries, firewood, pots, pans, utensils, etc. for eating and drinking. She must do the cooking and eat the cooked food.

It is the man's responsibility to provide her with oil, a comb, oil cakes, soap, and water for performing wudû’ and taking a bath. It is not the man's responsibility to provide her with surmah, betel leaves, etc. It is not the responsibility of the man to pay the washerman for washing the clothes. She must wash and wear her clothes herself. If the man gets the clothes washed or pays someone to do so, it will be out of his own good will.

If a mid-wife is called, her expenses will be borne by the one who called her. If the man called her, he will have to pay her; and if the woman called her, she will have to pay her. If the mid-wife comes on her own, the man will have to bear her expenses.

If the man gave his wife the expenses for her food and clothing for the entire year or for any other period before hand, he cannot take anything back from there.

PROVIDING A SHELTER FOR THE WIFE

It is wâjib on the man to provide a shelter for his wife. This place must be such that no other relative of the husband lives there. It must be free from any relative of the husband whereby the husband and wife can live without any formalities. However, if the wife does not mind living with others, it will be permissible for him to keep her in the same house with other relatives of his.

Just as the wife has the right to ask for a separate house where none of her husband's relatives are living and over which she has complete control, in the same way, the man also has the right to prevent or stop her relatives from coming to the house in which she is living. He can stop anyone irrespective of whether it be her mother, her father, her brother, or anyone else from among her relatives.

If the wife's father is ill and there is no one to take care of him, the wife should go and see to his needs whenever the need arises, even if it means going daily. Even if her father is a kâfir, the same rule will apply. In fact, if her husband stops her from going, she should still go. However, if she goes despite her husband stopping her from going, then she does not have the right to claim food and clothing from her husband.

The wife should not go to the house of strangers. If there is a wedding or other function and her husband permits her to go, even then it is not permissible for her to go. If the husband grants her permission, he will also be committing a sin. In fact, it is not even permissible to go to such gatherings with one's mahram relatives as well.

The woman who has been issued with a divorce also has the right to receive food, clothing and shelter until the end of her ‘iddah. However, the woman whose husband has passed away does not have the right to claim for food, clothing and shelter. Obviously, she will receive a share of the inheritance.

If the nikâh is broken due to some reason caused by the wife, she will not be entitled to receive any food or clothing while she is in her ‘iddah. She will be entitled to receive a shelter only. Examples of nikâh being broken because of the wife:

she engages in sexual intercourse with her step-son or merely touches him with the passions of youth, and the husband therefore divorces her.

she becomes a kâfir and turns away from Islam.

However, if the wife decides to leave on her own and not take advantage of the right to receive shelter, she may leave and thereby forfeit this right.

LEGITIMATE OFFSPRING

When a married woman gives birth to a child, that child will be attributed to her husband. It is not permissible to say that this child is not her husband's and that it is someone else's merely on a doubt or suspicion. It is also not permissible to refer to such a child as being illegitimate. In an Islamic state, such a slanderer will be whipped.

The minimum period of pregnancy is six months and the maximum period is two years. In other words, a baby remains in the womb of a woman for a minimum period of six months. It cannot be born before this period. The maximum period it can remain in the womb is two years and not more than this.

The basic principle of the Sharî‘ah is that as far as is possible, a child will not be regarded as being illegitimate. When there is no option left, only then will the ruling be given that it is illegitimate and only then will we say that the woman has committed a sin.

A person issued a talâqur raj'î to his wife. Thereafter, she gave birth to a child within a period of two years. This child belongs to this husband. It is not permissible to regard this child as being illegitimate. According to the Sharî‘ah, this child's lineage is in order. Even if this child is born one day before the expiry of two years, the same rule will apply. It will be regarded as if she had fallen pregnant before the divorce could be issued to her, that the child remained in her womb for up to two years and that after delivering the child her ‘iddah has come to an end and she has now come out of the nikâh with this man.

If this woman has already admitted that her ‘iddah has come to an end before she could give birth, then there will be no alternative but to say that this child is illegitimate. In fact, if such a woman gives birth to a child after two years and she has not admitted that her ‘iddah has come to an end as yet, even then this child will be that husband's irrespective of
how long it takes to deliver this child. In this case, it will be understood that they had engaged in sexual intercourse while she was still in her ‘iddah and that he had now revoked his divorce. Therefore, the child that is born will be his, this woman will still remain his wife, and the nikâh will not be annulled. If it is not the husband's child, he must say so and once he rejects this child, the laws pertaining to li'ân will apply.

If a talâqul bâ’in was issued, the rule is that the child will be the husband's if it is born within two years. If it is born after two years, it will be an illegitimate child. However, if the child is born after two years and the husband still claims that it is his child, it will not be illegitimate. In such a case it will be understood that they had unwittingly engaged in sexual intercourse while she was still in her ‘iddah and she fell pregnant thereafter.

An immature girl who is close to maturity was given a divorce. After the divorce, she gave birth to a child after a full nine months. This child is illegitimate. If it is born within nine months, it will be attributed to the husband. However, this girl will have to admit that she is pregnant while she is still in her ‘iddah, i.e within three months she will have to admit that she is pregnant so that the child will not be regarded as illegitimate. If the child is born within two years, it will be the husband's child, i.e. it will be legitimate.

A woman's husband passed away. If she gives birth to a child within two years from the time that he passed away, this child will not be illegitimate. Instead, it will be attributed to the husband. However, if the woman had already admitted to the expiry of her ‘iddah then there will be no option but to regard it as illegitimate. If it is born after two years, it will still be illegitimate.

Note: We learn from these rules that the habit of accusing a woman of adultery when she gives birth to a child a few months beyond nine months after the death of her husband is a major sin.

If a child is born before six months after the nikâh, it is illegitimate. If it is born on the completion of six months or thereafter, it is legitimate and it is a sin to have any doubts with regard to its legitimacy. However, if the husband rejects the child and says that it is not his, then the rules of li'ân will apply.

The nikâh has been performed, but according to custom, the bride did not leave her parents' home as yet. In the meantime, she gives birth to a child and the husband does not reject it by saying that it is not his. This child will be regarded as the husband's and will not be regarded as illegitimate. It is not permissible for others to regard it as illegitimate. If it is not the husband's, he should reject it and upon rejecting it, the laws of li'ân will apply.

The husband is gone overseas for quite some time. Several years have passed and he has not come home. In the meantime, his wife gives birth to a child and the husband claims that it is his. Even in such a case, the Sharî‘ah will not regard this child as illegitimate and it will be attributed to the husband. However, if the husband rejects it after receiving this news, the laws of li'ân will apply.

THE CUSTODY OF CHILDREN

The husband and wife have been separated, divorce has taken place and they have a small baby. The mother of the child has the right of custody over the child. The father cannot take this child away. However, the father will have to pay for all the expenses that will be borne in order to bring up the child. If the mother does not take the child, and instead, gives it to the father, he will have to take it. The mother cannot be forced to keep the child.

If there is no mother or she refuses to take the child, the maternal grandmother and then the maternal great grandmother have the right of custody. Thereafter, the paternal grandmother or great grandmother will have the right of custody. If they are not present, the blood sisters of the child have the right of custody. If they are not present, then the stepsisters. However, as regards stepsisters, those who are from the same mother will be given preference over those who are from the same father. Thereafter, the child's maternal aunts and then the paternal aunts.

If the mother marries a person who is not a mahram relative of the child, i.e. this relative is such that nikâh with him is not harâm forever, then the mother forfeits the right of custody over the child. However, if the woman marries a mahram relative of this child, and this relative is such that nikâh with him is not valid (for the child), e.g. she marries the child's paternal uncle or any other similar relative, then the mother's right of custody remains. In the absence of the mother, if any other woman such as the child's sister, maternal aunt, etc. marries a ghayr mahram man (i.e. a ghayr mahram man to the child), the same rule will also apply. That is, the right of custody over the child no longer remains with this woman.

The right of custody over the child had been forfeited on account of the woman marrying a ghayr mahram (of the child). Thereafter, this man divorced her or he passed away. The right of custody will return to this woman and the child will be handed over to her.

If, from among the relatives of the child, no woman can be found in order to take custody of the child, the father will be the most eligible for custody. Thereafter, the paternal grandfather will be the most eligible, and thereafter the same order that we had mentioned in the chapter on the walî (or guardian) at the time of nikâh, will be followed. However, if the relative is a ghayr mahram and there is some fear over the safety of the child in the future, then in such a case the child will be given to someone who is reliable and trustworthy.

The right of custody over the child remains as long as the child does not reach the age of seven. Once the child reaches the age of seven, the father can take the child forcefully if he wishes to do so. The right of custody over a girl remains until she reaches nine years of age. Once she turns nine, the father can take her and the mother does not have the right to prevent her from going.

THE RIGHTS OF THE HUSBAND

Allah Ta‘âlâ has given great rights to the husband and has attached a lot of virtue to him. Pleasing the husband and keeping him happy is a great act of ‘ibâdah and displeasing him or keeping him unhappy is a major sin.

Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "The woman who offers her five times salât, fasts in the month of Ramadân, protects her honour and respect, and obeys her husband has the choice of entering jannah from whichever door she wishes to enter from." This means that from the eight doors of jannah she can enter through whichever door she wishes without even having to knock on that door.

Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "The woman who passes away in such a state that her husband is pleased with her will enter jannah."

Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "Were I to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allah, I would have commanded the woman to prostrate to her husband. If the husband orders his wife to carry the boulders of one mountain to the next mountain, and the boulders of the next mountain to a third mountain, she will have to do this."

Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "When the husband calls his wife, she should go immediately to him even if she is busy at her stove." In other words, no matter how important a task she may be busy with, she should leave it and go to him.

Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "When a man calls his wife to engage in sexual intercourse with him at night and she does not go and because of this he sleeps away angrily, the angels continue cursing this woman till the morning."

Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "When a woman troubles or displeases her husband in this world, the hûr of jannah that has been set aside for him says: "May Allah curse you! Do not trouble him. He is your guest for a few days. Soon he will leave you and come to me."

Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "There are three types of people whose salât is not accepted, nor is any other good act of theirs accepted. One is a slave who runs away from his master. The second is a woman whose husband is displeased with her. The third is a person who is in a state of intoxication."

A person asked: "Who is the best woman?" Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam replied: "The best woman is one who pleases her husband when he looks at her, when he asks her to do something she obeys him, and she does not do anything that may displease him with regard to his wealth and honour."

One of the rights of the husband is that the wife should not keep any optional fasts nor offer any optional salât in his presence without his permission. Among the rights of the husband is that she should not remain in an untidy, dishevelled state. Instead, she should always remain clean and beautiful for her husband. In fact, if she remains untidy and dishevelled despite her husband ordering her to remain clean, he has the right of beating her in order that she may obey him. Another right of the husband is that she should not leave the house without his permission irrespective of whether it be the house of a friend, relative or anyone else.

THE METHOD OF LIVING WITH ONE'S HUSBAND

It should be understood well that the intimacy and contact between husband and wife is such that they will have to live together for the rest of their lives. If they love each other and are compatible to each other, then there is no greater bounty than this. And if, Allah forbid, there is conflict between the two, then there is no greater calamity than this. Therefore, as far as is possible, live with his heart in your hands and carry out your duties through the mere indication of his eyes. If he orders you to tie your hands and remain standing the entire night, then the prosperity of this world and the hereafter is in this that you bear this minor difficulty of this world and thereby attain the prosperity and success of the hereafter. Never do anything that is contrary to his mood. If he regards the day as night, you should also do the same.

Due to a lack of understanding and not thinking about the consequences, some wives utter things which cause doubts and
distractions to enter the heart of the husband. At times they blurt out things on the wrong occasions, while on other occasions they blurt out taunts and insults. Out of anger they utter hostile statements which he abhors. When his attention turns away from her because of all this, she goes about crying and weeping. You should understand this well that once doubts and misgivings enter the heart of the husband and you reconcile after a few days, even then the love and mutual understanding that had prevailed prior to your argument will no longer be the same. Irrespective of how many excuses and pardons you may put forward, the love and clean-heartedness that had prevailed will no longer be found. Later, when any incident takes place, the mind will always go back to that argument and the husband will always think that this is the same woman who had said such-and-such thing on that day. Therefore, you should always think and ponder before saying anything or doing anything when dealing with your husband. In doing
this, you will not only gain the pleasure of Allah and His Rasûl sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam, but you yourself will be happy in this world and in the hereafter.

It is not necessary to teach an intelligent wife anything. She is able to differentiate between good and evil on her own. Despite this, we will enumerate a few basic and necessary matters. Once you understand them, you will be able to understand other issues as well.

Do not ask for an allowance that is beyond the financial position of your husband. Whatever you receive, appreciate it and consider this house as your own home and continue with life even if it is on simple food.

If at any time you happen to fancy some jewellery or clothing, and your husband does not have any money on him, do not ask him nor be grieved for not being able to obtain it. In fact, you should not even mention it. You should think for yourself that if you ask for it, he will think that you have no concern for him in the sense that you are asking him at such a time when he is unable to afford to buy you such an item. In fact, even if your husband is rich, then as far as possible you should not ask him to buy anything for you. However, if he himself offers to buy you something or asks you if you want anything, then there will be no harm in asking him. It should be remembered that by asking, one's status is lowered in the eyes of people and one is also disgraced.

Do not be persistent and stubborn in a particular matter. Even if it is against you or contrary to you, let it go this time and at some later stage you could reconcile him to your view in an appropriate manner.

If you experience any difficulties at your husband's home, never mention it. Always display happiness so that he does not experience any sorrow or grief and in so doing, his attention will always be directed towards you.

Whenever he brings anything for you, always express your pleasure at receiving it irrespective of whether it is to your fancy or not. Don't say that this is not good and that you do not like it. If you do this, he will feel grieved and will not like to bring anything for you in future. If you praise him and accept it happily, he will become more generous and present you with more gifts in future.

Don't come angrily and show ingratitude to the husband. Nor should you say that you have not really experienced any joy in this dead and lifeless house and that you have spent your entire life in difficulties and problems. Nor should you say that your parents have destroyed your future by immersing you in such problems and throwing you into such a fire. By uttering such words, one's heart becomes filled with hatred.

It is mentioned in a Hadîth that Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "I saw numerous women in hell." Someone asked him: "O Rasûlullâh! Why will many women go into hell?" He replied: "They curse others a lot and they always show ingratitude to their husbands."

Ponder over this and think how serious it is to be ungrateful. To curse someone, to say: "May Allah's wrath descend on so-and-so person", "May Allah curse that person", "A certain person's face is accursed", "A certain person's face is full of curses", etc. - are all extremely evil words.

If the husband is angry over a particular matter, do not say something that will increase his anger. Whenever you wish to speak, check his mood first. If you find that he is in a jovial mood, laugh and joke with him. But if he is not in such a mood, do not engage in such conversation. Speak to him according to his mood.

If he is angry with you over something and abstains from talking with you, do not turn away and abstain from talking with him. Instead, smile at him, ask him for his pardon and forgiveness, touch him, shake his hands - in short, do whatever you can to win him over. Even if it is his fault and not yours, you should not turn away from him. Shake his hands and regard asking him for his pardon to be a source of pride and honour.

Remember, that the peace and harmony between husband and wife is not based on mere empty love. Apart from love, it is also necessary to respect the husband. It is a major error to consider your husband equal to you. Don't ever ask your husband to do anything for you. If he comes to massage your hands or head out of love, do not let him do it. Think for a moment that if your father comes and does this to you will you allow it? So how can you let your husband do this when his status is higher than your father's. In your actions, your conversations, and in every aspect of your relationship with him always be mindful of your manners and etiquette. If it is your fault and despite this you turn away angrily from him and refuse to speak to him, then this is a sign of great stupidity and immaturity. Actions of this sort cause one to become heart-broken.

When he returns from abroad or a distant journey, ask him about his state, his health, whether he encountered any difficulties or not. Massage his hands and feet, perhaps he is tired, perhaps he is hungry, make the arrangements of preparing a meal for him. If it is hot, put on the fan and cool him down. In short, do everything that will give him peace and comfort. Don't ever start talking about money and how much he brought for you or what he brought for you, or where his wallet is, etc. Whatever money he gives you, accept it. Do not tell him that he earns so much and that he has given you so little money or that he spent a lot of his money. Nor should you ask him as to what he did with all his money and where he spent it. If you coincidentally happen to ask him such questions when he is in a good mood, there will be no harm in this.

If your husband's parents are alive and he gives all his money to them and does not give anything to you, do not feel hurt about this. In fact, if he gives you any money, intelligence demands that you do not accept it. Instead, tell him to give it to his parents so that they do not have any evil thoughts about you and do not say that you have taken their son under your control.

As long as your in-laws are alive, regard serving them and obeying them to be your duty and honour. Don't think about living separately from your mother-in-law and sister-in-law because this is the root of all problems between yourself and your mother-in-law and sister-in-law. You should think for yourself that his parents brought him up and in this old age of their's they got him married so that they may receive some rest and comfort. On the contrary, the moment the daughter-in-law came into the house she is already thinking of asking her husband to leave his mother and father immediately. Once his mother learns that the daughter-in-law is instigating her son to leave the house, numerous problems and squabbles ensue.

Live in the household in an amicable manner. From the very beginning you must be mindful of your manners and character. Be kind to the young and respect the elderly.

Do not leave your work to be carried out by others. Do not leave your things lying around thinking that others will pick them up for you.

Do not think it below your dignity to do the work that your mother-in-law or sister-in-law is engaged in. You should take up that work without them having to tell you. If you do this, love for you will be created in their hearts.

When two persons are engaged in a secret conversation, separate yourself from there and do not lend an ear to what they are saying. In addition to this, do not unnecessarily think that they are speaking about you.

You should also bear this in mind that you should never live dejectedly or in an oblivious manner in your in-laws' house. Although you may not feel at ease on account of it being a new house to you or the people being new to you, you should try and make yourself understand and get used to the place instead of sitting down and crying - you have just come to a new place and you are already speaking of going!

You should always be careful when engaging in any conversation. Do not speak too much that those around you begin to dislike it. Nor should you speak so little that you do not even speak further than welcoming someone. This is also not good and regarded as a sign of pride.

If you see or experience anything at your in-laws' house which you dislike, do not go and mention it at your parent's house. It is an extremely evil habit to go and mention everything that takes place at your in-laws' house to your mother. It is also extremely detestable for mothers to "dig out" every little thing from their daughters. It is mainly due to these evil habits that quarrels, squabbles and bickering start between the two families. Apart from this, there is no other benefit in it.

Keep and set all the items that belong to your husband in a neat and orderly manner. Keep the room clean and do not let it get dirty. The bed should not be dirty and untidy. Remove all creases and wrinkles from it. If the pillow is dirty, change its cover. If there isn't a cover, sew one. If you do all these things after he tells you, what good is there in that? Elegance and beauty demands that you should put everything in order without his having to tell you to do so.

Whatever is kept with you, keep it safely. If they are clothes, fold them neatly; do not dump them nor throw them around. Instead, keep them in a suitable place according to your convenience. Do not take any "short-cuts" in doing your work nor give it to others to carry it out for you.

Never concoct any lies. In doing so, you will lose your respect and trust. As a result of this, whatever truth you may speak will not be believed or relied upon.

If your husband scolds or rebukes you out of anger, control yourself and do not answer him. No matter what he says, remain silent. Once his anger subsides, he himself will regret his actions and will become extremely pleased with you. ’Inshâ’ Allah, he will not get angry with you again. However, if you do not keep quiet and display any defiance, then the entire incident will have disastrous consequences.

Do not accuse your husband on minor doubts or false allegations by saying that he jokes and laughs with a particular woman a lot, that he frequents a particular place and you don't know what he is up to over there. If the husband is innocent, think for yourself how upset he will be on hearing these accusations. And if what you are accusing him of is true, by your becoming angry, complaining or forcing him (to admit) is only going to harm you. If you want to distant his heart away from you, you can do so to your detriment. By your saying all these things, do you really think that he will give up his evil habits? If you want him to give up these illicit relationships, do it with tact and wisdom. Speak to him in privacy, make him understand, and explain to him the evils of such relationships. If he does not give up these relationships despite you explaining to him, despite you making him ashamed of himself in privacy; then exercise patience. Do not go about mentioning this to people and thereby
causing him to be disgraced. Nor should you announce this everywhere, nor try to overpower him. In doing this, he will become more stubborn, more persistent, and become more involved in such relationships. If you become angry, begin mentioning it to people and try to disgrace him, the level of relationship that prevailed will drop even further. He might even stop speaking with you. You will end up in a sorrowful state.

Remember this very well, that Allah Ta‘âlâ has endowed men with valour and bravery. They cannot be overpowered by forcing them to do something or trying to subdue them. The best way of overpowering them is to flatter them and obey them. Becoming angry at them and trying to influence them is a big mistake and a sign of immaturity. Although you may not understand the evil consequences of this now, once there is an outbreak of dissension and quarrelling, the evil consequences of this will definitely appear at some time or the other.

In Lucknow, there is a woman whose husband is
extremely immoral. He spends all his time in the company of a prostitute and never ever goes home to his wife. The audacity of this prostitute is that she used to send orders to his wife, that she must cook so-and-so meal today and send it for her. This poor wife does not take any offence to this. She cooks whatever the prostitute orders and sends it out to her, she never ever complains or thinks twice about sending this food. Now, you see for yourself, how all the people around her must be praising her, let alone the reward that she will receive from Allah Ta'âlâ. The day Allah Ta'âlâ guides this husband of hers and he gives up this illicit relationship, he will definitely return to his wife and become her slave.

THE METHOD OF BRIBGIBG UP CHILDREN

It should be borne in mind that the bringing up of children in the proper manner is of prime importance. This is because whatever good or bad habits they learn in their childhood, they do not leave them for the rest of their lives. From the time of infancy till they reach maturity, the following matters should be strictly adhered to:

Ensure that the child drinks the milk of a pious, religious woman. Milk has a great effect in the life of a person.

It is the habit of women to frighten their children by mentioning the police or other frightening persons or objects. This is an evil habit. Children become weak-hearted because of this.

Set aside specific times for making him drink his milk or feeding him so that he may remain healthy.

Keep him clean, neat and tidy because one remains healthy in this way.

Do not beautify and adorn the child excessively.

If the child is a boy, do not lengthen the hair on his head.

If it is a girl, do not make her wear any jewellery as long as she does not reach the age where she has to observe purdah. This is because this will pose a danger to her life. The other reason is that it is not a good habit to create a love for jewellery in a girl's mind when she is still so young.

Have the habit of handing over the responsibility of distributing food, clothing, money, etc. that is to be given to poor people to your children. Similarly, give them the task of distributing food, sweets, etc. to their brothers, sisters and other children. This is so that they will inculcate the practice of generosity. However, you should remember that you must only ask them to distribute those things that belong to you. It is not permissible for anyone to ask them to distribute those items or things that belong to them from the Shar'î point of view.

You should mention the harms of over-eating to them. However, do not mention anyone by name. Instead, tell them that the one who eats too much is regarded as an ox (or any other similar example).

If it is a boy, incline him towards wearing white clothes and create a dislike in his heart for colourful and gaudy clothing by telling him that such clothes are worn by women and that he is a man. You should always teach him in this way.

If it is a girl, do not give her the habit of worrying too much about plaiting and parting her hair or wearing very stylish clothing.

When a child persists or insists on having something, do not fulfil all his wishes or else he will become spoilt.

Prevent the child from talking very loudly or shouting. Especially if it is a girl and she speaks in this loud shouting manner, you should scold her and reprimand her. If you do not do this, this habit will remain when she grows up.

. Safeguard your child from speaking or mixing with children who have evil habits, who are not interested in their learning, who are in the habit of wearing stylish clothes or eating extravagant dishes.

Always inculcate a hatred for the following actions in your child, i.e. teach him to hate the following acts:

Becoming angry,

Speaking lies,

Envying someone,

Stealing,

Carrying tales,

Defending whatever he does or says,

To unnecessarily "make up" stories,

Speaking excessively without any benefit,

Laughing unnecessarily or laughing excessively,

Cheating or deluding someone,

Not thinking about or not differentiating between good and bad.

If any of these acts or traits are found in him, stop him immediately and warn him.

If he breaks something or begins to hit someone, punish him accordingly so that he does not repeat such acts. Loving the child, consoling him or allowing him to commit such acts always causes the child to become "lost" or spoilt.

Do not allow the child to sleep very early.

The habit of waking up early should be inculcated in the child.

When the child reaches the age of seven, inculcate the habit of offering salât.

Once he reaches the age wherein he can go to madrasah, first teach him to recite the Quran.

As far as is possible, make him learn under a religious-minded teacher.

Don't ever allow him to absent himself from going to madrasah.

Set aside certain times in which you narrate stories of the pious to him.

Do not allow the child to look at books that contain love stories, stories that are contrary to the Sharî‘ah, stories that are obscene or that have no benefit, love poems, etc.

Give them books that cover the different aspects of the Dîn, and books that cover the necessary aspects of this world.

Once the child returns from the madrasah, permit him to play around in order to occupy him and so that he does not become dull-headed. However, the games must be such that there is no sin in playing them and at the same time there is no fear of physical injury.

Do not give the child any money to purchase fireworks, musical instruments or any other similar unnecessary items which amount to wasting of money.

The habit of watching games, matches, etc. should not be inculcated in the child.

Always teach your children some sort of hobby or trade which will help them at the time of need or necessity whereby they can support their families.

Teach girls to write to the extent that they are able to write necessary letters and also work out the expenses of the house.

The habit of doing their own work should be inculcated in the children so that they do not become dependent and lazy. You should order them to lay out their own beds at night and to get up early in the morning and neaten their beds again. They should keep their clothes neatly. Clothes that become undone or torn should be stitched by themselves. Clothes that are clean or dirty should be kept in a place where there is no fear of moths.

Emphasize on the girls to check the jewellery that they are wearing before they go to sleep and once they wake up the following morning.

You should order the girls to watch attentively at the cooking, sewing, threading, dying, and all the other work that is carried out at home so that they will also learn these things.

When the child does something good, praise him, kiss him, reward him so that he will feel happy. When he commits an evil act, call him aside in privacy and make him understand that he has committed an evil act and that others will think bad of him, and that whoever else comes to know of it will also think bad of him. You should warn him against committing such an act again and explain to him that good children do not do such things. If he repeats that act, punish him appropriately.

It is the duty of the mother to create respect for the father in the child's heart.

Do not allow the child to do anything secretly. This is irrespective of whether it is some game, food or any other act. If he does anything secretly, you should immediately understand that he regards it to be evil. If the act is in fact evil, teach him to abstain from it. If it is a good act, such as eating or drinking, then tell him to eat and drink in the presence of others.

Set aside some strenuous work for the children which will keep them healthy, energetic and which will not allow laziness to overtake them. If it is a boy, he should do push ups or walking for a few kilometres. As for girls, it is necessary for them to work with the grinding stone and spinning wheel. The benefit of doing these things is that they will not regard such work to be below their dignity.

When walking, teach them not to walk very swiftly, nor should they raise their gazes when walking.

Inculcate the habit of humility in them. Their manner of speaking, walking, conversing, etc. should be such that they do not become boastful. They should be taught humility to such an extent that they should not even sit with their classmates and boast about their clothes, house, family, books, pens, ink, exercise books, etc.

Occasionally you should give them some money so that they may purchase whatever they wish. However, inculcate the habit in them that they should not conceal whatever they buy.

Teach them the etiquette and manners of eating, sitting and standing in gatherings. We will now enumerate a few of these etiquette:

The Etiquette Of Eating

Eat with the right hand.

Read Bismillâh in the beginning.

Eat the food that is in front of you.

Do not commence eating before others.

Do not ogle or stare at the food.

Do not look at those who are eating.

Do not eat very quickly.

Chew the food well.

Do not take another morsel as long as the morsel that is in your mouth is not chewed and swallowed.

Do not allow the gravy and other liquids to drip onto the clothes.

The fingers should not be allowed to become too messy.

The Etiquette Of Gatherings

Whoever you meet, meet with respect and speak kindly.

Do not spit in gatherings nor clean your nose. But if there is a need to do so, excuse yourself and go to another place.

If you have to yawn or sneeze, cover your mouth with your hands and try to muffle the sound.

Do not face your back towards anyone.

Do not face your feet towards anyone.

Do not sit by placing your hand under your chin.

Do not crack your fingers.

Do not look in the direction of anyone repeatedly and unnecessarily.

Remain seated with respect.

Do not speak excessively.

Do not take oaths over trivial matters.

As far as possible, do not commence with any conversation. When the other person speaks, listen attentively so that his spirits are not dampened. However, if it is a sinful conversation, do not listen. Either stop him, or leave that place.

As long as a person does not complete whatever he wishes to say, do not interrupt him.

If someone comes and wishes to sit in the gathering and there is no place, make way for that person and sit closely so that he may be able to get some place.

When you meet someone or bid them farewell, say As-salâmu ‘alaykum, and when replying to someone's salaam, say Wa ‘alaykumus salâm. Do not utter other forms of greeting.

HUQÛQ - RIGHTS

The Rights of Parents

You should not cause them any harm even if they commit any excesses.

Respect and honour them in your speech and dealings with them.

Obey them in permissible acts.

If they are in need of money, assist them even if they are kâfirs.

The following rights are due to parents after their death:

Continue making du‘âs of forgiveness and mercy for them. Continue sending rewards to them in the form of optional acts of worship and charity on their behalf.

Meet their friends and relatives in a friendly way and also assist them wherever possible.

If you have the finances, fulfil their unpaid debts and the permissible bequests that they have made.

When they pass away, abstain from crying and wailing aloud or else their souls will be troubled.

According to the Sharî‘ah, the rights of the paternal and maternal grandparents are similar to those of the parents and they should be regarded as such.

Similarly, the rights of the maternal and paternal uncles and aunts are similar to those of the parents. This has been deduced from certain ‘Ahâdîth.

The wet-nurseMeet her with respect. If she is in need of money and you are able to help her, then help her.
The Step-motherSince she is an associate of your father, and we have been commanded to be kind and friendly to our parents' associates, the step-mother, therefore, also has certain rights over you as mentioned previously.
The elder brotherIn the light of the Hadith, the elder brother is similar to one's father. From this we can deduce that the younger brother is similar to one's children. Based on this, they will have rights similar to those of parents and children. The elder sister and the younger sister should also be treated in the same manner.
RelativesIf any of your blood relatives is in need and is unable to earn, help him out with his expenses according to your financial position. Go and meet them occasionally. Do not cut-off relations with them. In fact, even if they cause you harm, it will be best for you to exercise patience.
The In-lawsIn the Quran, Allah Ta'âlâ has mentioned the in-laws together with one's lineage. We learn from this that the father-in-law, mother-in-law, wife's brother, sister's husband, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, the previous children of the wife, the previous children of the husband - all of these have certain rights. Therefore, you have to be more considerate to them as opposed to others.

GLOSSARY(Explanation of Islamic Terms)

‘Âlim: One who has attained a considerable amount of Islamic knowledge. He could also be referred to as an Islamic scholar.

Barakah: Literally means "blessings". It refers to the experiencing of abundance in things which are apparently insignificant or little, both in value and amount.

Bid'ah: Literally means "innovation". In Islam it refers to introducing new things into religion which have no basis in the Quran or Sunnah, and in addition to this, to regard these new things as acts of ‘ibâdah. A bid'ah is a major sin in Islam.

Du‘â ul-maghfirah: Supplicating to Allah Ta'âlâ and asking Him for His forgiveness.

’Îlâ’: Annulment of a marriage after the husband's sworn testimony to have refrained from sexual intercourse with his wife for a period of at least four months. For further details, refer to the chapter on ’îlâ’.

Fard: Literally means "compulsory". In Islam it refers to those acts and things which are compulsory on a Muslim. Abandoning or abstaining from a fard act is a major sin. Rejecting a fard act amounts to kufr.

Fatwâ: A formal legal opinion or verdict in Islamic law.

Ghayr mahram: Refers to all those persons with whom marriage is permissible. Based on this, it is incumbent to observe purdah with all ghayr mahrams.

Ghîbah: Slander or backbiting.

Hayd: Monthly periods or menstruation experienced by a woman.

Hajj: Literally means "pilgrimage". In Islam it refers to the annual pilgrimage to Makkah.

Halâl: That which is lawful or permissible in Islam.

Harâm: That which is unlawful or prohibited in Islam.

Hûr: Refers to the large-eyed women of jannah, promised to the believers.

Ibâdah: Literally means "worship". In Islam it refers to all those acts of worship which one renders to Allah Ta'âlâ.

‘Iddah: A period of waiting during which a woman may not remarry after being widowed or divorced. For further details, refer to the chapter on ‘iddah.

Ihrâm: Two pieces of unstitched cloth donned by the person performing hajj or ‘umrah.

Jahannam: Hell.

Jamâ'ah: A group, party, community.

Jannah: Paradise.

Kâfir: Literally means "a di believer". In Islam it refers to one who rejects Allah and does not believe in Muhammad sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam as the final messenger of Allah.

Kaffârah: Literally means "penance, atonement, expiation". In Islamic law it refers to redemption from the omission of certain religious duties by a material donation or a ritual act. For further details, refer to the chapter on kaffârah.

Khula': Divorce at the instance of the wife who must pay a compensation. For further details, refer to the chapter on khula'.

Kuffâr: Plural of kâfir.

Li'ân: Sworn allegation of adultery committed by either husband or wife. For further details, refer to the chapter on li'ân.

Madrasah: Literally means "a school". Also used to refer to a religious school.

Maghrib: Literally means "evening or sunset". Also refers to the time of sunset and the salât that is offered thereafter.

Mahr: Dower or bridal money.

Mahram: Refers to the person with whom marriage is not permissible and with whom strict purdah is not incumbent.

Mahrul mithl: The dower or bridal money that is equal to or similar than that which was given to a girl's paternal grandmothers. For further details, refer to the chapter on mahrul mithl.

Masâ'il: Plural of mas'ala.

Mas'ala: Literally means "an issue, problem or question". In Islamic jurisprudence, it refers to a rule or regulation.

Mustahab: Literally means "preferable or desirable". Refers to that act which was carried out by Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam or the Sahâbah occasionally. Carrying out these actions entails reward and leaving them out does not entail punishment.

Nafl: Optional.

Nadhr: A vow or solemn pledge.

Nifâs: Refers to the flowing of blood after child-birth.

Nikâh: Marriage.

Purdah: An Urdu word meaning "seclusion". It is an equivalent of the Arabic word "hijâb". Refers to the seclusion of women from strangers. There are different stages of purdah, the highest of which is that the woman should not come out of her home except for a valid Islamic reason.

Qadâ’: Literally means "carrying out or fulfilling". In Islamic jurisprudence it refers to fulfilling or completing those duties that one may have missed out due to some reason or the other.

Qadiani: A heretical sect which regards Mirza Ghulam Ahmad Qadiani as a prophet of Allah. Qadianis are regarded as disbelievers.

Qiblah: The direction in which one faces when offering salât.

Qurbâni: Literally means "sacrifice". In Islam it refers to the sacrificing of animals solely for the pleasure of Allah Ta'âlâ on the day of ‘îd ul-ad'hâ and the two days following it.

Rahmah: Mercy.

Ramadân: The ninth month of the Islamic calendar which is regarded as the most sacred month.

Salâm: Literally means "peace".

Sharî‘ah: The Islamic Law.

Shaytân: Satan or the devil.

Shî‘ah: A heretical sect found primarily in Iran.

Sunnat-e-Mu'akkadah: Refers to those actions which Rasûlullâh sallallâhu ‘alayhi wa sallam carried out continuously. It is a sin to leave out such a sunnah without any valid excuse.

Sunni: Refers to those who belong to the Ahlus Sunnah wal Jamâ'ah. This term is generally used as an opposite to Shî‘ah.

Surmah: Antimony. A black powdery substance that is applied to the eyes. It is sunnah to apply surmah.

Talâq: Divorce.

Talâq-e-kinâyah: A divorce that is issued in vague terms without clearly uttering the words of talâq.

Talâq-e-sarîh: A divorce that is issued in clear terms without leaving any vagueness or doubt.

Talâqul bâ'in: A divorce which causes the annulment of the marriage. If a person wishes to retain his wife to whom he had issued a talâqul bâ'in, he will have to remarry her, i.e. their nikâh will have to be re-performed.

Talâqul mughallazah: A divorce which not only causes the annulment of the marriage, but if the couple wish to remarry, the woman will have to marry another person first, when he divorces her or passes away, only then can she remarry her first husband.

Talâqur raj'î: A revocable divorce.For further details with regard to all the above forms of talâq, refer to the relevant chapters.

‘Ulamâ: Plural of ‘âlim.

’Ummah: Literally means "community or nation". Here it refers to the Muslim community and nation.

Wâjib: Literally means "obligatory". In Islamic jurisprudence it refers to that act which has not been established by an absolute proof. Leaving out a wajib without any valid reason makes one a fâsiq and entails punishment.

Wali: In the context of marriage or divorce, it refers to the legal guardian of a minor.

Walîmah: Refers to the feast that is organized after a marriage. It usually takes place after the bride and bride groom have spent a night together.

Wudû’: Literally means "purity or cleanliness". In Islamic terminology it refers to the act of washing oneself before offering salât.

Zihâr: Likening one's wife to one's mother. It is a form of divorce. For further details, refer to the chapter on zihâr.