“Control, if you’re listening, and you probably are ’cause you’re creepy that way, can I just rant for a second about the micromanagement? We’re not blood-filled meat puppets. I come from a long line of plumbers that can fix a shower, but I can’t. Well, Hugh doesn’t shower anyway – he’s British. It’s not being critical, you’re just a very under-bathed nation; everybody knows it.” – Rory Adams

Man, oh man… where to begin with this thing?

First, this is one of about a zillion ripoffs of Alien. While I don’t have a problem with that, as some films have done great versions of the smart people trapped in space (or underwater, or in Antarctica, or wherever) with a killer monster, this one follows the majority of the clones and is a derivative piece of shit with selfish stupid scientists and a story that offers up nothing new to this overused subgenre of horror/sci-fi/thrillers.

I will say that this did effectively build some suspense in some areas but even then, you pretty much knew where this was going: everyone is fucked.

The only other real positive was the alien creature itself. It was cool looking in an era where alien species just aren’t memorable in film. It was also fairly unique in how it came to be and how it operated and moved but a visually cool alien doesn’t save a giant pile of dreck. Because as cool and different as the alien was, the picture, as a whole, was the exact opposite. It was a rehash of every bad cliche that’s awfulness was only enhanced by the sheer and utter stupidity of its “smart” characters.

Despite all the apparent flaws, I still tried my damnedest to enjoy this thing. For some reason, I love these “trapped in space with a killer” movies. To some degree, I was even playing this up in my head as better than it really was but all that washed away when I got to the ending, which was incredibly fucking predictable and executed so poorly that I actually audibly LOL’d. And quite boisterously, I might add.

Maybe it’s just my problem, but I’m so damn sick of movies with scientists and smart professionals that make incredibly poor decisions and are so worried about saving their own skin that they’ll put the entire human race in harm’s way. You signed up for the danger; you took on the responsibility of that danger when you brought an alien life form on board your space station. Now it wants to kill you. So fucking deal with it and don’t, in any way, allow it to get to Earth. Are there no heroes in movie science, anymore? You got a killer alien? Cool. Now you have to Ripley the fuck out of it! Or die. But you kill that son of a bitch in the process.

I’ve used a lot of f-bombs in this review, which I typically try to refrain from but fuck this piece of shit. My score for it is only as high as it is because the alien was cool and I wanted it to succeed in murdering all these dumb people.

So does this get run through the Cinespiria Shitometer? Of course it does! The results read, “Type 1 Stool: Separate hard lumps, like nuts (hard to pass).” You bet your sore ass this was hard to pass.

Well, I can’t say that I haven’t waited for a Deadpool movie since 1991 when he first appeared at the end of The New Mutants run and was there to help kick off the original X-Force comic. And I still haven’t seen the universally panned X-Men Origins: Wolverine film because I couldn’t bear to see the character butchered beyond recognition.

But the film has finally arrived. It took a lot for Ryan Reynolds to get this thing to screen, after he already played the character in that shitty film I just mentioned. Reynolds knew he had to make it up to the fans and this time, he nailed it. Not that it was his fault the previous outing.

Deadpool is fantastic. It isn’t a perfect movie but I can seriously get behind the more mature comic book films. This along with the Marvel stuff being put out by Netflix is refreshing when I am losing faith in the genre after duds like Avengers: Age of Ultron and Man of Steel.

This movie was a welcome change. It was balls-to-the-wall and never stopped. Well, it had a few slow moments while bouncing around too much from flashbacks but all-in-all, this shit’s friggin’ solid.

Ryan Reynolds was perfect as Wade Wilson/Deadpool but we already knew that before going into this, thanks to the test footage from a few years back. Plus, the marketing for the movie really solidified how in-touch Reynolds was with the character.

X-Men characters Colossus and Teenage Negasonic Warhead show up and it is nice seeing smaller characters also get the chance to shine. Other X-Men are not in the film but the movie makes fun of that within the movie itself.

Also, this film features the best Stan Lee cameo ever.

Deadpool, like in the comics, often times breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience as well as cracks a lot of inside jokes between himself and the people watching. I had worried about how that would play out but the execution was good. Everything felt natural.

The villains were throwaway minor characters and the threat didn’t seem all that threatening but this is a smaller film than Fox’s regular X-Men pictures and certainly smaller than Disney’s Avengers franchise.

Deadpool did a lot more with much less in comparison to its genre mates.

A fun ride from beginning to end with not much criticism from me, really.