Should You Lie to a Child About Surgery?

A friend of mine recently faced a dilemma: Her six-year-old son needed to have his tonsils out, but the doctor recommended lying to the child about the surgery. Specifically, the doctor suggested saying that they would put a mask on for a “breathing treatment” because kids are anxious when they know the truth.

This struck me as wrong, and my friend was uncertain about what to do. Who to ask? The GeekMoms, of course!

Patricia Vollmer is direct with her kids:

I don’t lie to my kids about medical stuff. From shots to cavities to stitches to setting broken bones, my sons were told what was coming as truthfully as possible. I had it done to me — being told I had “nothing to worry about” — when it came to filling cavities and to this day I hate dentists for fear of their not being straightforward with me. I’d tell my kids the truth, no matter what, emphasizing the reason for the procedure and that, if necessary, anesthetics will help him sleep during the procedure.

Melissa Wiley added:

When our oldest daughter was diagnosed with leukemia at age two, we answered her questions honestly and simply. As she got older (treatment lasted nearly three years), she had more complex questions. “Will it hurt?” is usually a big one (with all my kids, for all medical procedures). If it will, I say so–not dramatically, just calmly, simply, honestly, with lots of encouragement, conveying my confidence in the doctors. Kids need to know they can trust their parents to to tell them the truth, no matter what. And when something’s being done to a child’s body, that honesty is all the more important.

Laura Grace Weldon had some thoughtful comments about children and trauma:

Oh my. Never lie. Give truth to children in doses they can understand. This is easy to determine by the questions they ask. We have the idea that what children can’t remember, because they’re too young or because of anesthesia, won’t hurt them. That’s entirely wrong. Trauma has to do with experiencing pain or fear while in a state of helplessness. Kinda like being hospitalized (even with the most attentive caregivers) especially in post-op. Trauma takes place in the body and affects the mind, but in ways that mind can’t heal with mind processes like logic. Preventing trauma is vital. I’d recommend she read any of the books on trauma by Peter Levine, perhaps starting with Trauma Through A Child’s Eyes.

Dakster complicates the issue by pointing out that sometimes it might be helpful to prevent a phobia related to an illness:

This one hits close to home for me. When my nephew (age 6) got bitten by a mosquito that lead to an almost deadly infection, they decided it would be best for him to not tell him how he got sick. He is now 7 and recovering and still doesn’t know the truth. The upside to this is that he doesn’t run and freak out every time a mosquito comes near him. Maybe when he is older they will tell him the truth, but for now, this was decided to be the best thing for his morale.

Amy Kraft chimed in:

I have a 6-year-old, and I’d tell her, but I’d do it with lots of reassurance and set up expectations of what was going to happen.

Chaos Mandy agreed:

I’d tell the truth, but I would be as reasurring as I could.

Sarah Pinault shared her own story:

When I was about 8 I had to have some teeth removed. I went to the school clinic – scary things in the 80s – the nurse told me that the gas would be on the outside of the mask. How was I to know any better? Anyway, they put the mask on my face and it was very obvious that the gas was inside the mask, I started to freak out and it took 6 people to hold me down, including my dad. I have never forgotten that lie, I didn’t go to the dentist again for almost a decade, I didn’t trust them again. It was just as bad an experience for my dad. Friends of ours have a three year old who had hip surgery just over a year ago. They recently found out that the surgery didn’t work, she has to have her legs broken and reset again in the hip socket. They have been 100% honest with her, they even made a photo book on Shutterfly with a story about what she went through last time and read it with her. The local library has a copy too; she delivered it to them.

Kris Bordessa had a great suggestion:

I’m with the folks who would tell the truth. Also, ask if your friend’s hospital has a child life specialist. They help work with kids (doing things like putting them in a red wagon and giving them playdough on the way to surgery) on their level to make the whole experience less traumatic.

What would you do? Or how have you handled this with your own kids?

Jessamyn happily geeks out as a mom to her teenager and two yappy dogs named Sherlock and Watson. In her spare time she is also a criminologist.