Today I'm going to give you no-fail recipes for guacamole and margaritas. Please don't tell me they're not "authentic." My margarita recipe is so far removed from traditional Mexico as to be laughable. But when you are sipping one of these puppies under the hot August sun, you will surely be shouting "Ole!"

By the way, I'm always amused at that sobriquet "authentic," usually used by arrogant Gringos who have once visited Santa Fe, and will confidently dismiss a new Mexican restaurant as the sixth circle of Taco Bell.

What is authentic are these no-fail recipes. Let's start with the guacamole.

There are three mandatory ingredients - avocados, lime, and salt. There are a few others that are recommended, but optional.

And there are a few that should never, ever find their way onto your chip, under penalty of disdain and ridicule. See below.

No-fail Guacamole

Ingredients:

3 ripe avocados. You must use California avocados. If you use their larger cousins from Florida for your guac, you will lose all your friends. These Florida cousins are like Randy Quaid in the National Lampoon "Vacation" series - tasteless and pitiful.

1/2 to 1 lime.

Salt to taste.

Preparation:

Mash the avocados with a fork. Do not be tempted to use a food processor; you want your guac to be a little chunkified.

Add the juice of a 1/2 lime and salt to taste, and you are done. Viola! You have good basic guacamole. Add a little more lime and salt at your liking.

Here are the optional ingredients. FYI, I use them all. But you can add or subtract to taste:

1 clove garlic;

1 tablespoon chopped cilantro;

1/2 finely minced fresh jalapeno pepper;

1 tablespoon finely minced onion;

one diced, ripe tomato with the seeds and pulp removed;

and finally, a few drops of Frank's Red Hot Sauce (yes, I realize it's a Greek ingredient, but we can bend the rules just this once).

And here are the forbidden ingredients, besides the Florida avocados.

Do not add sour cream or mayonnaise. They are simply extenders for more expensive avocados, which are already bursting with healthy fats, and don't need help.

Likewise, olive oil is a no-no. (OMG, I thought I'd never write that sentence in my life.)

Although the guacamole is perfect by itself, it's also nice to serve with a good salsa as a foil, on top of your chip and guac.

Here's an easy recipe when you have an abundance of fresh garden bounty.

Toss some tomatoes in the food processor; if you're motivated, remove the pulp and seeds first.

Add an onion, a jalapeno pepper, a garlic clove, a small handful of cilantro, some lime juice, and maybe some Frank's.

You'll notice it's the same ingredients as for the guac, minus the avocado. What you're going for here is a contrast of texture, not taste.

If you prefer a good bottled salsa, I like Herdez or La Victoria, neither of which have added sugar.

The guacamole and salsa are also great to top your burgers or grilled chicken; the salsa alone would be great on grilled fish or shrimp.

Finally, be sure to use the perfect tortilla chip. I avoid commercial brands. There are some notable local products. B.T. chips are made in Beaverton, Michigan and have great heft and crunch. The Ann Arbor Tortilla Company also makes a fabulous chip in three flavors - salt, garlic, and lime.

Now to top it all off, here's the perfect margarita recipe I promised you. Don't laugh - it's ridiculously easy and delicioso. I wish I could remember who gave me this recipe to thank them. It has gotten me through many a hot day.