Spoof news stories from Saturday 18 September 2010

Daniel Treaty, the man who has recently had his third child, now claims that this child was fathered by Tiger Woods.
"Look at the little guy! Isn't he Tiger Woods made over?", stated Treaty to reporters.
"I know it was supposed to be kept a sec...

The Pope has responded to criticisms of child abuse by launching a new Evangelism mission in foreign waters.
The new scheme plans to send many of the leading Roman Catholic Priests away from their usual parishes in order to convert young people in...

The Indian government reacted angrily today about the proposed cuts in foreign aid from Britain. Their minister for foreign affairs, Gimmemore Gupta hinted that he may send several hundred thousand more immigrants to Britain if the government goes ah...

Wimbledon - (Gay Ass Mess): Rough trade has swamped the leafy streets of SW19 where the Vatican's apostoloic nonce-io is playing host to Benny and the lads.
Dressed in altar boy ruffs and fishnet stockings the sluts from the Parkside Pleasure Pala...

Emergency services are dealing with the aftermath of an attack by Great White sharks on the world famous Bondi Beach, in Sydney, Australia yesterday. The incident left 13 people needing hospital treatment, with 26 others described by paramedics as "w...

Kanye West, no stranger to controversy, has angered himself by interrupting his own Twitter feed during a Q&A with his 37 million followers.
The Hip-Hop star and producer was answering questions from fans when he started Tweeting over the top...

Microsoft have just announced that they are aware of the first recorded incident of an Internet Explorer 8 user actually using the browser's "In-Private Browsing" feature for buying his wife an anniversary present.
Internet Explorer 8 was launche...

Gone are the days I'm afraid when - for want of a better word - the 'poor' could be described as Working Class Heroes. Thanks to the celebrity obsessed "me-generation" -gone too are traditional values and a sense of community.
It's not just the little things like the classless slags who think it's okay to wear pyjamas to go to the shops or the scumbag hoodies who'd stab you for your loose chang...

In his sermon today at Westminster Cathedral Pope Benedict XVI surprised the world by canonizing Mother Teresa.
Pope Benedict canonized Mother Teresa and then immediately proclaimed her the fourth Patron Saint of Bees.
Here is the text of Pope Benedict's canonization sermon today:
Dear friends in Christ,
The visitor to this cathedral cannot fail to be struck by the great crucifix dom...

SAN JUAN DEL SUR, Nicaragua - And so starts the 21st edition of the thrilling jungle show Survivor and this installment is called Survivor Nicaragua.
Jeff Probst is once again your courageous host. Probst says that during the entire 21 seasons he...

Nick Clegg has suffered the huge embarrassment of being denied entrance to the Liberal Democrat conference currently taking place in Liverpool.
Apparently the security guards did not recognise him. Although he said several times that he was Nick C...

That age-old mantra, "It's the economy stupid" has been growing in resonance across the world. And while words like TARP; stimulus; bail-out and sub-prime have become part of our everyday lexicon, ordinary people are being forced into situations uni...

Police in Huntington, West Virginia arrested former Blue Cheer guitarist Lee Stephens for beating a man on the street with his guitar. He also hit two others who were asking him to play anywhere but near their park bench where they were trying to sl...

Trapped Chilean miners were given hope today as the T-130 drilling machine being used to reach then has now broken through to the tunnel where the miners have taken refuge 2070 feet below the surface.
Unfortunately the hole is only twelve inches...

He has travelled the length and breadth of the universe - in a variety of regenerations and in all sorts of dimensions. But one thing has always eluded the Timelord, Doctor Who - and that is getting his end away.
He has worked with the universe's...

At the University of Amsterdam a recent meeting of elite global (H)ornythologists met to scientifically prove (the study cosy $2 million by the way) if the ancient proverb (mentioned above) is still acceptable in modern times.
The (H)ornythologist...

The Scottish singer, Susan Boyle, met Pope Benedict and sang to the crowds at Bellahouston Park in Glasgow, Scotland.
For Susan, this is a huge honour way up there with her other special days since her Britain's Got Talent success.
For her fans...

The latest in a long line of media-hysteria-baiting scientific devices is due to be activated this week.
Scientists at CERN, near Geneva, ever sensitive to uninformed histrionic bellowing from the press about machines such as The Large Hadron Collid...

In a dramatic development in the fascinating saga of Clare Balding and certain "Dyke on the bike" comments, Greg Dyke - former Director General of the BBC - has bought the said bicycle at the centre of this storm for an undisclosed fee.
"I have be...

ITV bosses have announced that they are to close the helpline number for guests on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
As part of cost-cutting measures, they are closing the number shown at the ad breaks as the show now selects guests for the in its local Nett...

The Government is so impressed with the Pope's apology for the crimes of his priests towards young people that they are seeking the same from prisoners throughout the land.
'When they say they are sorry for what they have done and how ashamed they...

It was like a victory, a weight lifted slightly from your back. West Ham had a point, the first point of the season, against Stoke away.
Scott Parker, again. Another goal.
Penny and Terry were jumping up and down with glee.
'Our season has started' said Terry.
'Watch us shoot up the league' Penny responded.
It might be training with Leyton Orient and interest from Millwall but West...

NASHVILLE, TN - Al Gore has acquired Klingon Disruptor technology that he plans to use in his fight against global-warming" skeptics.
The first use of the new technology will be to change "Anthropogenic Global Warming" (AGW) to "Global Climate Dis...

NEW YORK, NY - Before ABC News President David Westin officially stepped down, he announced sweeping cuts to the legacy news organization.
Westin announced that they are laying off the entire staff and will replace human reporters, editors and on-...

Clare Balding, the famous lesbian who is no longer travelling by bicycle, is the victim of a tragic accident of grammar.
"I have contracted a comma between my first name and my surname" She announced on Twitter. "It is apparently rare - but as Cl...

An Ode to Eastern Equine Encephalitis on the Occasion of a Major Epidemic that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Imperils Mankind Across the Globe and May Destroy Civilization as It Is Known to Us
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent and Gracious Majesty as He Lies Dying from an Incurabl...

Clare Balding has sold her bicycle after the incessant stories around her being a "Dyke on the bike".
"Although I have nothing to be ashamed of about owning a bicycle, I have found the recent stories extremely hurtful to me and my family. Riding...

ERs across the United States are spending up to $10,000 a month to advertise excellence and wait times and other nonsense. Here are some ideas for attention-grabbing soundbites that might generate more patient visits:
1) We have just the right Oxy-Contin script with your name on it.
2) Our nurses shave their legs
3) Think she's cute? She's yours!
4) Think he's cute? He's yours!...

Ashton Kutcher told reporters yesterday that the recent stories of him being with younger women (he is 22 years old while his wife, Demi Moore is 69) is simply not true and he is going to his lawyers to see what can be done.
"Star Magazine has con...

London - (Furballs): A thinly-veiled message about white slavery or just a purr-fect cat 'n' mouse pic tease?
An official No 10 photo issued today shows UK Prime Monster Dave Cameron and the Pope flanked by a sphinx-like statue of a white cat.

As Manchester City striker Craig Bellamy finalised the details on his bizarre transfer to hometown club Cardiff City, Hoodies For Goalposts can exclusively reveal that all 20 Premier League clubs voted unanimously on Bellamy being 'an intelorable cun...

Nick Clegg heaped pressure upon himself after he made a gaff of epic proportions during the recording of a seemingly harmless food programme on the BBC.
The programme - "tastes of your childhood" - is meant to be nothing more than a vehicle for C...

Kirstie Alley, everyone's Hollywood Sweet Tooth, has developed a new device that helps her get around more easily by holding on to a shopping cart at the local "Get & Go!"
"I invented it myself", stated Allie to our reporter. "When you are sli...

In an alarming extension of the 'Big Brother' state, citizens are now being asked to spy on each other and report family, friends, neighbours and members of the general public to the appropriate authorities.
What began with motorists being asked t...

Hog Jaw, Arkansas - (Where?!?) Hog Jaw, Arkansas - Greetings everyone, we are at the corner of 1st street and Main in Hog Jaw Arkansas, awaiting the motorcade of Zsa Zsa Gabor and her entourage, also her groom, only known in these parts as Charpa. In fact we have a local person here, Finnious McGee, who says he has the low down on Zsa Zsa's groom to be.
"The problem with you Papparazzi's is yo...

During the Vietnam war the US Navy had a base in Subic Bay, Philippines. Ships on their way to and from the Tonkin Gulf would stop there for repairs and provisions. Sailors would take liberty and go into Alongapo City to drink beer and raise Hell. The main street was unpaved and lined with bars for as far as you could see. In front of each bar was a mean looking guy with a hog-leg starpped to...

John Butugley is the latest winner on American Idol. Afflicted with a rare skin disease which causes warts all over his face, John has been shunned all his life. He was once referred to as 'The ugliest man on earth'. However, he has a fantastic singing voice.
Ken: "So, John, if I may ask, what was it like growing being so, er, unattractive.
John: Please, after you. Didn't I see you in a fu...

There's nothing more shocking than ordering some yummy artery-cloggers from the Burger King value menu, driving up to the second window, and seeing someone you recognize.
The best is when it is a girl you were in love with in high school, who wouldn't piss on your head if your Phillies cap was on fire. "Guess it all went downhill after 10th grade. Right, Nancy Reagan?"
Imagine my surprise wh...

In the latest incident that proves that this dumbass will never get her sh-t together until she hits rock bottom, pissing-a-promising-career-away dingbat Lindsay Lohan has reportedly failed several drug tests, testing positive for cocaine.
"Wait,...

A bizarre set of coincidences lead to one of the more unusual highlights of Pope Benedict's visit to the UK. Fortunately, no one was hurt though.
As the Popemobile was approaching the junction just outside Buckingham Palace, it was met on one side...

The coalition is continuing on its course of seeking ever more cruel and repugnant ways of raising money and cutting expenditure. The latest is to increase the tax paid by people wishing to be homosexual.
The so called gay tax has been around for...

HOLLYWOOD - The season's premier of Dancing With The Stars starts this Monday. And one very proud mama will be in the audience watching her daughter Bristol perform.
The ex-governor of Alaska and failed GOP candidate for vice-president Sarah Palin...

When Christine O'Donnell from Delaware won the GOP nomination for a seat in the U.S. Senate, she appeared to be all smiles. But after the reality of her win and what it meant for her future began to sink in, she immediately called Sarah Palin.
O'Donnell: Hi, Sarah?
Palin: Yah, who wants to know?
O'Donnell: Hi, hon, it's Chris, Christine O'Donnell. Did I catch you at a bad time?
Palin:...

LOS ANGELES - British celebrity Russell Brand and his girlfriend Katy Perry were making their way through LAX Airport when Brand was stopped by airport security.
The officer, identified as Darby P. Nixhauser, III, told Brand that according to his...

BP announced a study today that the oil spill into the Gulf of Mexico, was actually Dark Chocolate, not crude oil. Today as retiring CEO Tony Hayward spoke to a Parliament committee concerned about the North Sea.
"There is absolutely, no reason to...

LIMA, Peru - Eduardo Conquista, the head of Castro Castro Prison in Lima, Peru, was spotted today driving to work in a brand new Honda Accord just hours after reports that Natalee Holoway's mother, Beth Twitty snuck into the prison to confront Jo...

Kabloom, Afganistan - Al Quaeda and Taliban members have recently hit upon difficulty in getting members to believe in the alledged audio tapes of Osama Bin Ladin. The upshot is they are becoming less and less inspiring to recruits, especially the yo...

Journalist Ima Lezbo, traveled to Salem, Oregon, where she interviewed Justin Bieber for the magazine The Magazine For Fangirls Because It Is All About Justin Bieber.
"So, Justin, tell me, how's your tour been?"
"Awesome! I'm sure you've heard about the naked fangirls that pop up?"
"I have! Can you tell us some more about that?"
"Yeah, they usually wear some loose dresses and get past...

Major Boris Johnson appealed for calm last night as a group of street cleaners were caught allegedly attempting to assassinate the Pope.
"Street cleaning is an occupation of peace, in fact it literally means peace" said a sweaty BoJo as he stresse...

Terry Jones, Pastor of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida has announced today that he is moving his church to a more hospitable location.
Jones claims that due to the firestorm of controversy that was blown way out of proportio...

A new book states that Paris Hilton is her own Drug Mule as she hides her stash up her ass!
The book, apparently titled, "Flash! Bars, Boobs and Busted" is by Ryan Simkins, a photographer of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos.
In the book Simkins goe...

In a landmark case, John Wayne Doe was found not guilty of murdering an illegal immigrant.
Mr. Doe and the immigrant were both employees of a convenience store in Arizona. Mr. Doe suspected that the individual was an illegal immigrant, and demande...

Manchester United fan, Jarbo the Killer, has finally come clean and admitted that arch rivals, Liverpool FC were once the equivalent of Muhammad Ali - untouchable in their chosen arena.
From the early seventies to the late eighties, Jarbo conceded...

An ex-employee of Downing Street, who was allowed unusually intimate access to a recent Prime Minister and his wife, is set to write her memoirs. In the wake of a failed business enterprise, in which she offered foot massages, toe nail clippings and...