Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Apparently I stutter-stepped out of the blocks on my blogging. One complete post does not a blogess make.

So, almost three weeks later, here is my second installment, aptly titled 'Irregularity'. No, not THAT kind of irregularity - thank God, because that is the last thing in my life I need to clog up and stop functioning. I've got enough minor irritants going on to keep me contemplating botox for the furrowed area between my eyes - including one bathroom that's been in non-use for five years awaiting a new lease on life - the proverbial 'butt-lift' if you will. The butt-end of any and all irregularity jokes in our household.

Anyway, I've been operating on only three burners for about a month now. Some would argue that I've never operated on all my burners, but really, I mean I only had three burners working on my stove. What made me really nervous is that my stove is three years younger than I am - was this an omen? Was I too going to lose 1/4 of my fire, passion and heat? Or, did that already happen and this was just a metaphor to pay attention to what has already begun? The dousing of the flame? Was the peak of my creativity and burning ambitiousness in life past me and I was now on the downward slope of life?

Oh the anguish and just pure-assed inconvenience of being one-burner short of a full cook-top. You have no idea! It led to a very real and slightly embarrassing personal insight; I have mostly large-bottomed pots. Which may also have something to do with why I also have a large bottom, but that's not the point. The point is that I had two small burners and only one large burner to work with, so there were some pretty intense culinary compromises to be made during this period of time. Luckily, for a few days, I didn't have to think about it at all as I cooked on a Coleman two-burner lovely while camping for vacation.

But, something odd happened the last day of the trip - one burner stopped working on that stove also. What is the universe trying to tell me? That I'm out of gas? That my knobs are worn out (again, metaphorically.......or not)? That my porcelain veneer needs to be resurfaced, shined and buffed?

I think I know what it really all means - get out of the kitchen. Order take-out, or go out on the town more - enjoy! Let others do for me; cook for me, clean for me, do dishes for me, right? Isn't that the most obvious message here?

That's what I was hoping, but alas, my husband (handymandy that he is) was able to re-wire the burner and get the whole stove-top operational again. Not before we got a pizza for tonight though - score one for the burned out babe.

The real bummer of this whole sordid scorching story is that now I have to face something I had hoped to avoid altogether. I now have to clean my oven...........damn it. I was hoping I could just, oh, I don't know, maybe, buy a new one? I can already smell the fumes of the cleaner I'll be using because I'm the 'self' in my oven's 'self-cleaning' feature.

However, there is a larger message and potential lesson to be learned here. I am not completely oblivious to the fact that I always seem to be functioning with one less of something than I have. Either I need less than I think, or I need to have my reserves in place in case of emergency. What to do, what to do?