Saturday, April 19, 2014

My Inability to Choose... Or Should it be My Indecisiveness?

So. How to start. Once I post this, I can't take back what I've said. But I can, because it's the Internet. How to format the text, how to say what I want to say without rambling but still being eloquent in my 'language-speak'.

I want to write a book.

Jumping right in.

I've probably already said that. But, in echoing myself, I want to write a book, and have that be a physical copy with binding and the lovely paper smell and for people to pick it up in bookstores in a YOLO moment, or maybe because they heard about it though a friend whose cousin read it.

But, I just can't. I can, but there are things stopping me.
This isn't even what I wanted to talk about in this post.
But I'll tie it in.

I wrote the prologue on the topic I really, truly, am interested in. I have to go and look back at it.

So I just spend 10 minutes editing...

When I write something, for my own enjoyment, that is, I am never really satified with it. When I look back, I find myself saying, "THIS IS TRULY AWFUL". So, in my efforts of writing and publishing a book, I go back and erase all I have done. Now, those efforts are kind of halfhearted, for I do have a life... and school... mostly school... but I am stilly trying.

I want to accomplish so many things in my life. Most of them irrational.

1. Write for a living (or at least be published)
2. Become a musician professionally (not practical at all)
3. Travel the world (not on either of the salaries listed above is THAT going to happen)
4. ???

I don't know. There's probably more.

AND NOW I'VE COMPLETELY STRAYED OFF OF MY INTENDED TOPIC.

I want to do so much, and yet I don't want to choose. Like, for example, college. A long way away for me, but I will have such a hard time choosing a college, then my major. URG. LIFE, IT MOVES TOO FAST.

You have time to get it figured out, girly :) I'm a high school senior, and I barely know where I wanna go with my life. I have friends in their early 20s who are graduating from their community college this spring and they have no clue what they're doing next.

It's good to start thinking about these things sooner rather than later, but don't worry about it if you can't decide yet. I've already changed my major 5 times and I haven't graduated high school yet :)

PS - KEEP WRITING. I don't care how bad it sounds, you just gotta write. Find your voice. Edit, don't delete. Maybe don't even edit, just leave it sit for a while and come back later. Don't think less of yourself cuz of the quality of your writing. You're learning! How can you ever improve if you never practice?

This post is seriously everything explaining my life. I hate decisions. Like it's to the point where when I go to restraints with my best friend she always just picks something for me to spare me the pain of staring at the menu going "uh..."

And when it comes to colleges and life after HS I am totally lost. I mean, I only have a year left of HS and then I have to make some major life decisions. I have no idea what I want to do. (But like you, writing will always be a part of it. Either for a profession or just for fun).