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Bunheads

television series

Bunheads (2012–2013) was an American television comedy-drama series, airing on ABC Family, created by Amy Sherman-Palladino and Lamar Damon. It centers on a Las Vegas showgirl who gets married on a whim and winds up teaching alongside her new mother-in-law at her ballet school.

Talia: It's like you're cursed or jinxed or built your house on an ancient Indian burial ground!

Michelle: Okay, gotta go...

Ginny: When my grandmother died, her spirit haunted our car. Suddenly, the day after the funeral, you couldn't start it if someone was sitting in the passenger seat, Grandma really liked her passenger seat.

Girls: What did you do?

Ginny: We sold the car.

Girls: You sold your grandmother?

Ginny: And bought a Ski-Doo.

Fanny: [On phone] I don't understand. No, literally I don't understand. Could you put the interpreter back on? Oh, thank God, yes. As I was trying to tell the Lama while I'm very grateful he agreed to pray for Hubbell, I was actually hoping he would do it here. At the memorial on Monday. Or Tuesday. We're flexible about the day. Could you ask him again? Because I already have a monk in Ireland who said he'd pray from there. But I was really looking for someone to represent, as the kids say. What if I throw in a trip to Disneyland? Does he have a friend who's not busy chanting for the Japanese people? All right.

Thanks anyway.

Fanny: [To Michelle] What is it about these monks? How hard is it to get on a plane? Well, at least he said he'd pray for him.

Michelle: That's nice.

Fanny: He can say anything he wants. He's on another continent. How do I know he's really doing it? - Well, he is a monk.

Michelle: So? So he's a monk. Their to-do list basically consists of "pray" and you know, "pray."

Fanny: I take my spirituality very seriously. If I don't see it with my own eyes, I don't believe it.

Rico: [pointing at the corgie] That a service dog?

Michelle: Like a Marine?

Rico: Like a seeing-Eye dog, that kind of thing?

Michelle: Yeah. He is my service dog. When I get really drunk and pass out in the gutter, he is my pillow.

Michelle: This your place?

Rico: 20 years. Used to be a nice respectable surf bar, but with this freakin' economy, you wanna make ends meet, now you gotta serve brunch!

Michelle: Why? Why, why does anyone have to live so far away from civilization?

Grant: Pardon me?

Michelle: I mean, this private road of yours is really misleading. You go up a straight-away, you think you're almost at the house, you round a bend, more straight-away. So you go up that, you round a bend, more straight-away. And on and on. You get some kind of deal with straight-aways? You had a coupon or something?

Grant: May I ask who you are?

Michelle: Have I not introduced myself?!

Grant: No.

Michelle: You had no sign. You have no private-road sign, and my car died, and I got arrested, and I must sound like a loon. It's all a big misunderstanding- Do you have any water?

Grant: Sure. I'm Grant.

Michelle: Oh, have I still not introduced myself?

Grant: No.

Michelle: Oh, it's those straight-aways. They suck the politeness right out of your head, I'm Michelle.

Michelle: I'm rereading. I see nothing about a a head, a guillotine, an evil boy king with mommy issues. I'm behind here!

Michelle: Oh, by the way, I think I figured out why Sylvia Plath killed herself. She was trying to hang a curtain rod. She was probably trying to hang herself on the curtain rod, so it was onto Plan B.

Michelle: [talking about Godot] So what's your angle with this guy? What are your moves?

Melanie: We don't really have any.

Michelle: Oh, so you need me to help? Cool. Okay, first thing to know about guys like that is keep your sentences short. Don't mention Tolstoy or math, it will just make you sad. Oh, and it really helps if you have a car and an income, 'cause that guy's got nothin'.

Sasha: Thanks.

Michelle: And he never will. No money, no car, no thoughts of money or a car. Trust me, if there's a second set of shorts at home, you've hit the jackpot.

Sasha: Got it.

Michelle: Good. Oh, and he won't start showering till he's thirty. Or he's been skunked. Don't know why. It's a thing. Young pretty guys like that will do anything to get out of bathing. Johnny Depp moved to France.

Michelle: Well, the door is locked and the only way to get more ballet is to find another way in. Are you willing to dig a tunnel under the studio with nothing but a plastic spoon, and then cut a giant hole in the floor with the chain saw you dragged along, and then once inside, repair the floor with nothing more than a glue gun, some bobby pins and your wits? [the girls just stare at her] Well, I see she has her answer.

Sasha: Please don't wait with us anymore.

Michelle: What book are you talking about?

Sam: "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Michelle: Great. Sorry to interrupt the end of literature as we know it, but has anyone seen Fanny?

Michelle: Uh, you know how in a fairytale there's a bridge that leads to a castle with a beautiful princess that's locked in a tower, but there's a crazy little troll that lives under the bridge and in order to rescue the princess you have to deal with the troll?

Talia: Yeah?

Michelle: Well, welcome to Sparkles where the motto is "If you're a princess, you're screwed".

Michelle: That doesn't count as telling me. Why do people think they can just share news on Facebook and automatically everyone will know?

Boo: Because everyone's on Facebook.

Nanette: [seeing the stripper pole in the ballet studio] Are you teaching my daughter to strip?! No judgement. I always tell her she should have something to fall back on. I figured typing, but this could be good too.

Michelle: We're adding some new classes. Cardio-striptease will now be offered Fridays at 10:00. Right between "I wish I was still in bed" and "where did I go wrong". [Nanette laughs]

Boo: [the girls are drying the wet carpet with blow-driers] How long have we been doing this?

Melanie: Three hours.

Sasha: Last semester we read "No Exit." I didn't get it, but I do now.

Michelle: Right. But you need to keep an open mind like other people keep an open mind. With a mind that's actually, you know, open.

Fanny: Michelle, how many times have I told you my production of "The Nutcracker" is the highlight of my year?

Michelle: 842.

Fanny: And how many times have I told you that these two weeks of shows make up the bulk of my money for the year?

Michelle: 12,064.

Michelle: [after Fanny talks about her plans for Montana with Michael] So romantic. I'd be happy to take over while you hang in the mountains with your boyfriend.

Fanny: Thank you.

Michelle: Which one of you is going to be Heath Ledger?

Fanny: You always end the conversation one sentence too late.

Sasha: [all the girls are ignoring each other] Great. Very mature.

Michelle: Hey, what is the what? I'm starving. Where do you guys stash the candy bars?

Sasha: Dancers don't eat candy bars.

Michelle: Yeah right. Suzanne Farrell was sixty percent caramel.

Sasha: Can we help you with something?

Michelle: I just came up to check the state of the room, make sure it's still pink. It is. What's going on here?

Sasha: Apparently while I was off making with the pom-poms some sort of blood feud happened and no one seems ready to let it go no matter how BORING IT"S GETTING!

Michelle: Okay, you four, front and center.

Sasha: Why me? I'm not in a fight.

Michelle: You need a fourth. Watch "The Craft". Move. Okay, as the new sort-of-promoted-kind-of-equal-not-quite-a-partner-but-definitely-someone-with-more-authority-than-she-had-yesterday, I am ordering you to spill. [all the girls look away]

Sasha: Boo likes Charlie, Charlie likes Ginny, Melanie says Ginny can't date Charlie because Boo liked him first, but Ginny thinks since Boo likes Carl she relinquishes Charlie, who should revert back to the open market. And me, I wish we were all lesbians.

Sasha: Stop following me! I'm not Justin Beiber.

The Ringer: Who?

Sasha: Seriously?!

Godot: "In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida"?

Michelle: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".

Godot: Oh, so close.

Michelle: Same shorts. New shirt?

Godot: Same shirt. Inside out.

Michelle: Wow, very Kate Middleton.

Godot: She is my primary role model.

Michelle: It's my zombie apocalypse vegas slut bag. I take it with me to every performance with me always. It has everything you would need in any sort of situation- Money, power bars, water, flaxseed oil, bobby pins, hair spray, ponytail holders, boob tape so your- on your boobs, don't look so hello.

Michelle: Yep, mace that comes in a pretty little shiny bottle that if I pulled it out would say to the zombie apocalypse mugger, "don't be afraid of my pretty shiny bottle. It won't do anything but blind you!"

Michelle: I found it: the perfect place for the amphitheater. Okay, so this morning, a squirrel stole my toothbrush. Actually, I chucked it at him to get him off my windowsill 'cause he was staring at me, and then he took it. So I chased after him and I cornered him against this tree. And it was by the lake that's only sometimes a lake, but then it dries up. But right now it's a lake again. You know?

Fanny: You can't just buy another toothbrush? What? Squirrels have rabies. A toothbrush costs $3.

Ginny: I drove you off. I drove her off just like my mother drives everyone off. "We mock the things we are to be." You know who said that? Mel Brooks. He was talking about how we make fun of our parents and then we grow up and turn into our parents. And that line popped into my head yesterday so I started looking through old photo albums of my mother trying to figure out exactly when her crazy set in so I can be prepared. I think it started around college. That's the first time I saw her do that really wild-eyed thing she does. So I guess I've got about three to four years before I go barking mad which is good. Now I'm ready for it. I can plan ahead. You know, have a lot of rounded corners in my house. Wear soft, bouncy clothing.

Scotty: Hey, it's my last night. And the rules are whoever has the last night gets to choose the last night blowout activity. Don't flout the rules.

Michelle: But I need details.

Scotty: I told you, it's in the desert. It's like Burning Man.

Michelle: Which means nothing.

Scotty: You've heard if Burning Man.

Michelle: Yes, I've heard of Burning Man, but since I've never been to Burning Man, I can only guess what takes place. Like do they really burn a man? And who is this man? Is he annoying? Does he have it coming?

Scotty: Come on, it'll be like all those cool road trips we took as kids.

Michelle: What cool road trips?

Scotty: What do you mean? The Grand Canyon, New Orleans, Sun Studios, The Smoky Mountains.

Michelle: Fake.

Scotty: The Smoky Mountains are fake?

Michelle: The trips were fake.

Scotty: What are you talking about??

Michelle: Mom used to take us on fake trips. You didn't know that?

Scotty: No.

Michelle: She'd put us in the car really late at night and then drive us around for hours until we fell asleep. And then when we woke up, she'd convince us that we just had a really fun adventure.

Scotty: No. That's impossible. I remember that thing with the balloons.

Michelle: Never happened.

Scotty: Yes. There were like these huge red balloons with ribbons hanging down.

Michelle: I'm afraid not.

Scotty: The wind kicked up and we held the ribbons and we rode on them? No balloons?

Scotty: [Michelle and Scotty are walking into Sasha's new apartment] This is a 16 year-old's apartment?

Michelle: Or Oz. It could be Oz.

Scotty: She's got a fireplace.

Michelle: And wood. There's wood burning in the fireplace.

Scotty: I had a fireplace when I lived in Oregon. The rats nested in it.

Michelle: So, hey, do you have your home invasion escape plan set yet?

Sasha: What's that?

Michelle: Ah, it's the first thing I do anytime I move in someplace new. It's a total single girl must. See? I look around a room and I think the home invader is coming in through the front door, so where do I go? You don't want to hide in the closet 'cause he will check the closet and then you're trapped so obviously, you're- you know, see ya. Now you're on the first floor which means you can jump out the window which is awesome except it also means the home invader can come in through the window. Which means you need a second escape route. Plus you hope it's not a group of home invaders like in "Taken," so... [Scotty giving Michelle the kill gesture] And nobody ever attacked me and I was safe and I got a kitten.

Michelle: One more piece of advice. Don't bond with the old lady next door.

Sasha: Mrs. Weidemeyer?

Michelle: You see her door open, dive for cover. And whatever you do, do not tell her you have a car. Old ladies are giant con artists.

Sasha: Con artists?

Michelle: They start small. Trips to the market and the yarn shop, but before you know it you're picking up their prescriptions at 11:00 at night and driving them to the hospital when their hips break. And you think- They only have two hips how many can they break? Eighteen. 'Cause they break the same hips over and over.

Scotty: [Talking about Sasha] That girl is not normal.

Michelle: I'm not disagreeing.

Scotty: There wasn't a bong in the entire place. When I was her age, everything in my room was either a bong or something I could make into a bong.

Michelle: I was twenty-five before I owned an appliance. It was a used microwave that had permanent soup stains and I'm pretty sure radiated my ovaries.

Ginny: Okay, fine. Let's talk. You know, I was re-watching "The Notebook" the other day, and I came up with a whole new theory.

Roman: Anything but "The Notebook."

Melanie: Well, I watched "The Vow" the other night, and I couldn't figure out why-

Roman: All Rachel McAdams movies are off the table. [Carl walks by]

Carl: Boo.

Boo: Carl. What's wrong?

Carl: I thought your lunches were an all girl thing.

Boo: They were. Sasha changed it.

Sasha: I didn't change it. Roman changed it.

Roman: [to Carl] Hey, I'm Roman.

Carl: Carl [they shake hands]. I didn't know you could just change the rules.

Boo: I didn't know you could just change them either.

Sasha: There were never rules.

Carl: Well, if there are no rules, I'm sitting here. Don't mind me. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Roman: Good luck with that. [Dez sits down next to Melanie]

Melanie: What the hell?!

Dez: Whatever. Just saw these guys here so I figured "hey."

Sasha: Impeccable logic.

Michelle: We got the community board to sign off on the amphitheater, so we're good to go.

Talia: Well, congratulations.

Michelle: My first pantsuit victory. And I have to say, at first, I was all against the whole concept, but now I get it. It's binding, so it keeps all your powers in. Plus, there's no potential "Basic Instinct" moment. So suddenly you're not thinking about how you're sitting and you'd be surprised how much brain space that frees up. Plus, the pockets. Dance clothes never have any pockets, but this suit has pockets everywhere.

Michelle: [Holding champagne bottle between her thighs as she uncorks it.] And You can do that.

Talia: I have always wanted to do that.

Michelle: To Hillary Clinton!

Talia: Hear hear!

Michelle: Drink up. I want to take my new pantsuit out for a spin. See if guys can pick up on my new polyester super powers.

Talia: Ah, girls, you know what marrying a lovely man of means means? No more performing. I can hang up the tights, hang up the headdresses. Do you know I have worked every new year's Eve since I was 17? I have never celebrated new year's. Now Rick and I can celebrate new year's.

Michelle: If he makes it to new year's.

Sasha: So obvious.

Michelle: Getting sloppy.

Sasha: And I can craft. I've always wanted to craft.

Michelle: You have never wanted to craft.

Sasha: Well, I do now. It'll be dirty crafting, but it'll be crafting. And I don't have to go to the gym six days a week. I can even gain three pounds. Think about that!

Michelle: I'd still love you if you gained five.

Sasha: And I can get a pack of Pekingese to greet me at the door when I come home from not working or working out. And I can feed them from my giant bowl of bonbons.

Sasha: [thinking someone is in her apartment and checking with Roman] Listen, there's a baseball bat under the couch.

Roman: I don't need a baseball bat.

Sasha: And there's an umbrella in the linen closet. It's got pretty pony on it, but the end's really pointy. You can poke his eyes out.

Roman: [loudly] Hello?

Sasha: There's a tennis racket by the fireplace and there's ammonia under the sink.

Roman: So we can disinfect him?

Sasha: Blind him. Then we'll overtake him.

Roman: Unless he found the pretty pony umbrella, in which case we're done for. Was this door closed when you left?

Sasha: Yes. No. I don't remember.

Roman: [looks seriously at the door] Get the pretty pony.

Roman: [coming out of the bathroom] There is a very large spider in that bathroom.

Bash: Everybody, may I have your attention please? I really need a young boy. Or girl to volunteer for some heavy lifting. I include both sexes because in the past, my saying I need a young boy led to a lot of misunderstandings. So I'm including you ladies as well. You just need strong backs and toned thighs. If you fit the bill, please come see me. To be clear, I like men and women equally. Both sexes work for me.

Michelle: [Inspecting a costume] What was this for?

Melanie: Fanny choreographed a whole ballet about "Billy Elliot" a couple years ago.

Michelle: Billy Elliot is already a show.

Ginny: Ours wasn't about Billy. It was about Billy's coal miner father.

Melanie: We all got black lung at the end.

Cozette: Let me tell you a story. Last year, my family went on this private safari: my parents, Frankie. It's sunset, and we're walking down this trail, golden skies, beautiful vistas, and we see this little baby antelope on the horizon.

Ginny: Yeah?

Cozette: We get closer, and it turns its head to look at us. And the guide says, "Turn away. A lion's had at it."

Ginny: I don't get it.

Cozette: It had been half eaten by a lion.

Ginny: Oh my God.

Cozette: It was horrible. Everybody froze, and I thought "it's wrong to turn my back" and let this poor little thing just sit there and bleed out, like Judi Dench in that James Bond movie. So I grabbed a gun and shot it in the head.

Ginny: You blew a baby antelope's head off?

Cozette: Put it right out of its misery. And you, my dear, are a half-eaten baby antelope.

Ginny: you're gonna shoot my head off?

Dez: So I guess Ginny and your brother's not happening, huh?

Melanie: Not for like years.

Dez: What happened?

Melanie: She's into someone else.

Dez: Why? Charlie's cool.

Melanie: It wasn't so much why, it was the why nots. And she likes this other guy.

Dez: Huh. Kinda thought for a while there'd be a double-date thing or something.

Melanie: You mean you and me?

Dez: Yeah.

Melanie: No.

Dez: Why not?

Melanie: Because.

Dez: My mom says because is a word, not a reason.

Melanie: Well, that's the reason. Because, okay? Because.

Dez: So you can't think of a reason why?

Melanie: I don't know.

Dez: If you can't think of a reason why, can you think of a reason why not?

Melanie: Not offhand.

Dez: Then why not?

Boo: I don't need to buy condoms. I'm on the pill.

Ginny: What?

Melanie: Since when?

Boo: As soon as my mother heard about Carl, she marched me down to the doctor's and put me on the pill.

Sasha: You and Carl are having sex?

Boo: What? No.

Ginny: Then why are you on the pill?

Boo: I just told you.

Melanie: I'm gobsmacked.

Ginny: What does it taste like?

Boo: I don't know. I stick it in a Peppermint Patty.

Rajahnae: Hey, what's going on?

Sasha: Boo is on the pill.

Rajahnae: You're having sex with Carl?

Boo: Why does everybody hear I'm on the pill and automatically think I'm having sex?

Sasha: You are absurd, Boo. You know that? Absurd.

Boo: Why?

Sasha: Because you're on the pill but not having sex. It's like having a superpower and not using it.

Scotty: I did leave, but I needed a place to stay for a few days, and I didn't want to bother you.

Fanny: So you broke into my house like Robert Downey Jr.?

Michelle: You can't just come in and out like this. [to Godot] You should get up.

Godot: I'm kind of-

Scotty: I know. I'm sorry.

Michelle: You have to call.

Scotty: I lost my phone.

Michelle: Who loses their phone?

Scotty: Lots of people lose their phones.

Godot: Can someone hand me a towel or a throw blanket?

Fanny: My house is not a hostel. It is where I live and sleep.

Michelle: I didn't know he was coming.

Godot': A dishcloth maybe?

Scotty: I think I left it in Monterey.

Michelle: Then go back and get it.

Scotty: Oh, I'm not going back to Monterey.

Michelle: Why? What's her name?

Fanny: Whose name?

Godot: A tea kettle?

Michelle: Whoever it is that chased him out of Monterey.

Godot: Baking sheet?

Scotty: You are jumping to conclusions again.

Godot: A skillet.

Fanny: [finally to Godot] How about some pants? Before the baking sheet and the skillet, how about we find you your pants?

Godot: Pants would work.

Fanny: Find his pants.

Michelle: [looking around] Pants, pants, pants.

Scotty: Maybe I don't like aquariums. Or Monterey Jack cheese. Maybe cheese and aquariums are why I won't go back to Monterey. Did you ever think of that?

'Fanny: I don't see any pants.

Michelle: [pointing to Godot] Last night, you sure you had pants?

Godot: Pretty sure.

Fanny: Retrace your steps. You started this whole thing where?

Michelle: Car. We started in the car.

Fanny: How classy. Come on. Out there. [pulls her outside]

Michelle: [from outside] Oh, got a belt!

Scotty: [to Godot] So, how's oceanography going?

Sasha: This is your relationship, Boo. Don't you care?

Boo: About what?

Sasha: About the things Carl's done.

Boo: No, not really.

Sasha: But what he's done affects you.

Boo: How?

Sasha: What if you're not experienced enough, huh? That can ruin some relationships.

Boo: I'm not experienced enough. It seems to be fine so far.

Ginny: Yeah, how experienced you are doesn't matter to a lot of guys.

Sasha: What if he's got a kid?

Boo: Carl doesn't have a kid. He doesn't even have a bike.

Sasha: Boo, I think we need to step it up.

Boo: Step what up?

Sasha: I think we need to consider having sex now.

Boo: With each other?

Sasha: No, with Roman and Carl. Me with Roman, you with Carl.

Boo: But Carl and I are waiting.

Sasha: A year and a half is a long time. Time that includes dances, parties. Friday night parties that he can go to and you can't because you have class in the morning. And there's girls at these parties.

Boo: Party girls.

Sasha: That time also includes camp. Six weeks where you're apart. And he'll be a junior counselor this year. He'll wear the gray shorts. He'll be doing bed checks. He'll have privileges, power. That's a big turn-on to a lot of girls.

Boo: I know.

Sasha: Plus, in a year and a half you're not the new girlfriend anymore. You're just the old girlfriend who made him wait a year and a half. You're planning on doing it with him anyhow, so what's the difference if you just move it up a bit?

Boo: You're ready? With Roman?

Sasha: I think timing is important. We should strike while the iron is hot.