Sunday, November 30, 2008

While you are dining on turkey left-overs, I thought you would enjoy watching this fearless cat go bronco riding on a Roomba vacuum cleaner made by iRobot of Massachusetts.

Vacuum phobias probably have something to do with who's in the drivers seat; not that I'm accusing this cat of being a control freak or anything, but it did not manifest any of the usual fright, fight, or flight responses to the vacuum.

Now, if this little kitty can take the bull by the horns and conquer its fear of vacuums, there is hope for everyone. I just recently located the on/off switch on my Hoover. Over 1.5 million people have already watched this video on YouTube and it is taking the Internet by storm.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Cristiano Ronaldo is an all star Portuguese footballer, who plays as a wringer for the English Premier League club, Manchester United, and the Portuguese National Team. On November 15, 2008, Ronaldo scored his 100th and 101st goals in all competitions for Manchester United in a 5–0 win over the Stoke City Team from England.

After one of the games, Portuguese winger Kit man, Albert Morgan, wondering if there was some magic in Ronaldo’s Nike Pro Ultimate team shirt; put on the shirt and let loose on the court.

As you can see from the video, he scored 9 continuous volleys off the cross bar – a Cristiano Ronaldo trademark.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Modern technology can solve most of our problems, as the Leo Burnett Chicago Agency assumed when they hired famous rock star, Ozzy Osbourne, to make a video commercial for the Samsung Propel multimedia smartphone. I’m not sure if the reality TV show he starred in proved that he can spell, but they hired him anyway. We never got to see the results of his text-centric messages. Hopefully, the words had more than four letters in them. Use your imagination.

When I first saw this video, it reminded me of a typical work day. First dragging your ass out of bed in the morning and finding that the kids have already used up all the hot water, taking a cold shower, getting coffee at Starbucks, then arriving at the office to schedule that first meeting thinking - don’t come to my office, I’m not awake yet you’d be better off trying to communicate with a pit bull. Never mind the eloquent speaking, you are grouchy and miserable, and need a shrink.

If you can spell, but are not worth a plug nickel, the Propel can be one way to make yourself heard, which is the video commercial’s theme. The phone provides instant text messaging, which can get you out of a jam.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Friends of the first children have divulged what the girls think of their Secret Service guards, whom they have given code names: Cheeseburger and Pepsi (a.k.a. Domo Arigato Mr. Robato).

Cheeseburger is short and stout and often comes to work smelling like garlic. He used to guard people in the Witness Protection Program, so he grew accustomed to Italian food. He's not someone you could dress up in a Santa suit and get away with it; the nose would fit in, but all the chicken pox cicatrices wouldn't.

Pepsi is a bit robotic – stoic with no personality. He even smells like the inside of a new car. He has never been seen doing anything human, like eating or going to the bathroom. The girls like to hum the song “Domo Arigato Mr. Robato” when he walks into a room.

“Pepsi is like the Queen of England, if he ever smiled it would crack his face. It’s like having the Grinch looking over your shoulder all the time.” One of the friends said. "Plus, Cheeseburger ruined a perfectly good game of Monopoly the other night when he absconded with the canon piece ”R” was using to get to the Boardwalk. Pepsi just sat there, eyes focused straight ahead. You could have held a mirror under his nose to determine if he was still alive and breathing."

Bedtime stories?

Forgetaboutit! Cheeseburger thinks “Cinderella” is a cryptogram; he was muttering something about Gus Gus being an illegal alien, and he drives the children crazy trying to read between the lines in all of the Dr. Seuss books. He thinks Dr. Seuss was a foreign agent and wants to blacklist his books from the house. The girls tried to convince him that no one was going to try to feed them green eggs and ham, but he is relentless. Again, Pepsi just sat there, eyes glazed over, saying "Tiggers do not like honey" over and over again.

The girls have also given their parents’ Secret Service guards code names: Geronimo and Cochise, but promise that they will end their respective tours of duty with both of their scalps.

They prefer the real deal, "Captain Underpants Bloopers and Troopers" and the Blues Brothers.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Everyone has been wondering what to do for entertainment now that the economy is down the tubes and people have to tighten their budgets. Leave it to a religious group to come up with a solution.

This Sunday, the Rev. Edward Young, founder of the nondenominational Fellowship Church in Dallas, TX, says he will challenge his married congregants to 7 consecutive days of sex. He will also practice what he preaches.

(His wife was seen buying a Jack Lalanne 10091 Power Juicer and loading up on vitamins and Viagra at the local pharmacy.)

"God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," he said. I’m not misquoting the pastor here. Maybe he meant to say a married man and woman, but then one could get off on a technicality.

"I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family," he added.

Pastor Young is fed up with the way American society promotes promiscuity and he is doing this to reclaim sex for married couples. He has 20,000 congregants all champing at the bit to meet the challenge.

“Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages,” he said.

As of this writing, no one has approached Pastor Young asking to produce a reality TV show, based on his theory.

Earlier this year, a St. Pete Beach, Florida, pastor conducted a 30-day sex challenge. I checked online at all the local human health service reports and found no evidence of post-sex trauma, burnout, heart attacks, or unusual instances of traumatic stress disorder.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

When I woke up this morning, I had this letter in my inbox from my fellow writer, Elvira Justice, from Saxis, VA. I've known her for many years. She writes travel brochures on her Commodore 64 and sells them to tourists. Not many tourists go to Saxis, so she supplements her income at Perdue Farms:

As a struggling writer, my creativity needs to be stifled by a 9-to-5 day job until I can get my best work published, so I decided to apply for a job up your way, in Center City Philadelphia.

I've spent many years on the Eastern Shore, where the living is easy and about 30 years behind the times. Starting salaries go back even further, probably to prohibition. In order for a woman to venture outside the home to earn a living in good old boy country (you remember, the same guys, who hold divorce court out in the woodshed with a shotgun; and he gets to keep the designer Captain Kangaroo outfit), she has several choices at $5 an hour, about two at $10, and must be able to walk on water for anything higher.

A friend suggested that if I wanted a better job than cleaning stables, plucking chickens, or joining the illegal alien crop picking crew, I needed to head north to a metro area. So, I went to the job interview in Center City Philadelphia.

(Remembering your favorite "walking through a stable" line, I went over to Chincoteague Island, took my shoes off, and walked through some pony shit first, for good luck.)

Everything seemed to go well, except that as I left the interview, I found that they have this automated parking garage where a voice like something out of "2001 Space Odyssey" emulates from the fee machine and says "please-place-ticket-into-the-slot-with-the-bar-code-up-and-to-the-right, yada yada." You are then prompted to put money in the machine, and it gives you change.

The parking fee alone was probably more than the scrap metal value of the old restored police car I am driving, you remember it, the Ford LTD with the knackered oil rings, but the trade-off is a filthy rich salary of $12.50 an hour.

Then the robot voice says "please-take-your-receipted-ticket-with you-to-leave-at-the-gate." I guess they should actually stress the fact that you absolutely won't leave without the canceled ticket and maybe not even then.

At the exit gate, the one that holds the steel arm across the exit, another robot voice tells you to put the receipted ticket into the slot, "please-place-your-canceled-ticket-into-the-slot-with-the-bar-code-up-and-to-the-right, yada yada," only this time, the machine was broken and I had to sit and listen to the ticket robot go off the deep-end until a live attendant came over to let me out (thank God for humans). The robot sounded like a good candidate for tossing a commode in "One Flew Over The Coo-Coo's Nest." I came to the conclusion that we are really not yet ready for this technology. I just sat there; feeling intimidated humming "Amazing Grace."

Interestingly, neither of the two smiling social worker managers standing in line ahead of me had to wait to get their pimp mobiles out on the street. Maybe they already know how to make ticket slugs?

Next, I went over to the Reading Terminal Market and ate something. I was 5 minutes too late for Italian pork on a steak roll, so I went to the Israeli place and got potato pancakes with sour cream. It is very interesting to sit in a busy public place in the city and observe nuns and the Amish walking side-by-side down the isle in the produce department with ladies of the evening, who are also spending their earnings on tomatoes and cherry peppers.

God bless America!

Working in Philadelphia will definately inspire creativity and marketable material. Something to write home about, yes?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The expression “coming together” has made its way into American rhetoric like no other in the history of our planet. It is more popular among politicians, being incorporated into political speeches like the Mata Hari-ism that it is, than any other group. Some examples include:

“… It is also acoming together, much the way womencome togetherevery day in every country.” Hillary Rodham Clinton, Beijing, 1995.

“…these African police havecome together on a project of importance, a project that seeks to deal with criminality in our region.” INTERPOL President Jackie Selebi, Arusha, Tanzania, July 11, 2007.

“…the assumption that the wealthy care nothing for the poor and that the poor don't vote, the assumption that African-Americans can't support the white candidate, whites can't support the African-American candidate, blacks and Latinos cannotcome together.” President-elect Barack Obama, SC, February 2008.

“… the only reason we stand here tonight is because men and women from both of our nationscame together to work, and struggle, and sacrifice for that better life.” John McCain, Berlin, July 24, 2008

"Later this week, Barack Obama and John McCain willcome togetherto debate a president’s most important responsibility: how to keep Americans safe and America secure.” Joseph R. Biden, September 24, 2008.

“I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways tocome together to find the necessary compromises…” John McCain, Concession speech, November 4, 2008.

What’s up with this “coming together” business anyway, can’t you just visualize a whole auditorium of people practicing Kegel exercises, saying "YES!"?

I suppose that the expression “pulling together” could catch on a zipper and get even worse, but coming together is becoming an annoying habit and an irritating art of persuasion, don’t you think?

Monday, November 10, 2008

In this corner, we have a bearded Armenian monk in a red-and-pink robe. In the other corner, a black-clad Greek Orthodox monk with a nasty bloody gash on his forehead.

Ding, ding, ding!

Where are we?

We’re at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem. It is the site of Jesus' crucifixion, burial, and possibly his resurrection. There is a procession planned here to commemorate the holy event.

The Greek “Serafim” is upset that one of the key Greek Orthodox monks is not present. The Armenian “Pakrat” says “Tough baklava” and begins the processional march anyway.

Round one: Serafim throws the first punch; Pakrat blocks and gets him with a left hook.

A 90-year-old lady, who looks a lot like ZaSu Pitts in an olive drab shmatta yells "Meeskait! get him in the kishka."

It’s over in less than one minute; quicker than Cassius Clay (now Muhammad Ali) dropped Sonny Liston with a phantom punch in 1965. An Armenian Patriarchate counts down to 10, but Serafim is out cold and Israeli riot police are called in. They are holding assault rifles. A fight like this has not been seen since the Ethiopian and Coptic Christians were hitting the alter wine causing a near riot a few years ago.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

As Pope Benedict condemned the human organ trade as “abominations,” Japanese scientists are on a roll to up the ante, and have successfully cloned mice that have been already dead for 16 years.

"This is the first time a mammal has been cloned from a sample stored at conditions reasonably close to what might be expected in permafrost," Teruhiko Wakayama, the lead scientist in the Japanese study, said. "It gives some hope for those who might seek to clone extinct species from frozen carcasses."

The immortal Punxsutawney Phil went into a jealous rage when he was passed over in lieu of a mouse for the study. “What’s cheese breath going to do for you in February?” he shouted. Then, he threatened to cause a global ice storm that even Dennis Quaid couldn’t cure. He ranted in expletive Groundhogese for days. Hell hath no fury like a groundhog scored.

Proponents of cloning say that if the Pope wants to see an abomination, he should spend a week in New York City observing specimens in Central Park and the subway system.

Protesters in Austria have threatened to burn down the laboratory that claims to have Hitler’s missing freeze-dried testicle.

Scary rumors are being reported that Michael Jackson plans to freeze his carcass when it dies, as does Rush Limbaugh; Bill O’Reilly; Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Hugo Chávez; and the Naked Cowboy from Times Square.

An entrepreneur named Scotty Baker, who recently resigned from Miracle-Gro, is starting a cloning franchise operation called “Grow Your Own.” Industry spies are reporting that among the company’s first R&D efforts include a penis farm at a secret undisclosed location near the Amish in Lancaster County, PA.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Paloma has strengthened into a category four hurricane as it heads towards the Cayman Islands, while in the U.S., President-elect Barack Obama is busy deciding on a new Treasury Secretary.

The Dow has dropped another 500 points and there is now a Depend® dispenser at the Federal Reserve.

Notice anything unusual?

The powers that be have screwed up the global economy, so now mother nature is on a roll to get even, trying to wipe out their $3 trillion off-shore bank accounts.

Its enough to make you want to invest your 401k in the NCAA Division III Swimming and Diving Championships.

Just like at the track, people in Washington, DC, are laying odds on Obama's choice for Treasury Secretary: Timothy Geithner (2 to 1); Lawrence Summers (5 to 2); Paul Volcker (12 to 1); Sheila Bair (15 to 1); Jamie Dimon (30 to 1); Robert Rubin (32 to 1); and recovering spendthrift, Marc Rich (100 to 1). It is not clear what the actual point spread is, or the identity of the bookie.

We do know that Warren Buffett is on Obama's 17-member economic advisory team. Warren is well-known for being frugal. He's the only billionaire I know of, who eats hamburgers on a regular basis, someone the average American can identify with.

This afternoon, President-elect Barack Obama and his VP, Joe Biden, will address the nation regarding the economy. At the same time, Michelle's interior decorator will be meeting with the FBI to determine the best hiding places for bugging devices that will not interfere with the new decor.

As of this writing, they were still trying to decide where to put the "zhlob" chair for foreign diplomats when they visit the White House. I heard the term used only once "We'll put Vladimir in the zhlob chair." I'm not sure, but I think "zhlob" is a Secret Service code word for something. No one will tell.

"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,courage to change the things we can,and the money to make a difference."

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Well, it’s the day after the election and President-elect Barack Obama is busy making cabinet appointments. I’m not sure where you should send your resume, but it’s a good bet he’s at his Illinois headquarters.

I’ve gotten used to his youthful black hair over the last few years. That will change real soon, as he begins receiving his top secret classified briefings from intelligence officials today. I’m sure he’ll get prematurely gray just listening to Interpol. They have this top secret web site similar to www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com that only heads of state can access, a chilling study on cyber-terrorism.

Rumor has it that part of the briefing will include SPAM 101 featuring the truth about that chain letter that has been circulating around the U.S. in broken English from some schmuck in Nigeria promising to put $22 million into your bank account if you give out your pin number. Then, there’s intellectual property crime, money laundering (I never could figure that one out. Somebody tried to explain it to me once, but all I could visualize was a little old lady selling Rolex knock-offs on eBay), criminal organizations, financial and high-tech crime, drugs, IT crime, illegal migration, war crimes, environmental crimes, fugitives, corruption, intern deflectors, and “significant cases.” Most of the significance is located on a pirate ship off the coast of China.

Now, most of us believe that a real politician doesn’t need a briefing about corruption, right? Well, the CIA and FBI don’t agree, the President-elect is going to get an intense seminar that covers corruption in every country on the planet, pole-to-Interpol. This will detail the “How to” regarding the estimate by World Bank Institute that says over $1 trillion is paid in bribes every year, not a good way to lower the national debt. Match that up with the names of the payers and the payees and our new President’s head will be spinning by Friday afternoon.

As you already know, we learned all of the above by watching HBO’s The Sopranos. It’s a shame they ended it just as Uncle Junior had his Vincent "The Chin" Gigante routine down to a science.

Of course, the best briefing is shown in the educational video below given at Camp David. It acts as a deterrent “How not to” and also provides an incentive to newly elected Presidents to rehearse every important speech:

Monday, November 3, 2008

You know the guys, who used to call the local grocery store and ask if they had Prince Albert in a can? Well, most of them grew up to be Crank Yankers, Fonejackers, one of The Jerky Boys, or dirty politicians.

Unlike Bart Simpson calling Moe’s Tavern asking for Jacques Strappe, during the few hours we have left before the elections, we have Strappe’s whole family deluging potential voters with dirty tricks, including confusing e-mails, prank phone calls, and threatening fliers delivered in the middle of the night to entire inner city neighborhoods.

The ACLU is conducting damage control. They say if you really need to pull a prank “keep it to ‘No POK, er PORK!”

"The Voting Rights Act makes it a crime to mislead and intimidate voters," said Laughlin McDonald, who leads the ACLU's Voting Rights Project, "If you can find out who's doing it, those people should be prosecuted.

OK, but who’s going to write up (in Philadelphia, they call it a "48") Haywood Jaspankmee, when he gets caught delivering flyers in the high-crime areas of the city telling people not to show up at the polls if they have any unpaid parking tickets or a past criminal record because if they do, they'll get arrested at the door?

In some areas, flyers are informing people that Republicans are voting on Tuesday and Democrats on Wednesday. You can tell which camp this is coming from, right?

Now, some might argue that the ACLU is insulting the intelligence of the average voter by making a big deal out of this, but it believes that there are whole communities out there with a collective IQ lower than the speed limit.

As of this writing, Sarah Palin is campaigning at all the Bloomingdale’s locations in CA, NV, MN, IL, NY, MA, PA, NJ, MD, VA, GA, and FL. The last thing she did before the polls opened was charge a LL Collezione Women's Cashmere Long Reefer for $995.00 to the campaign. It was cold in South Philly last night, so she went to the Bloomingdale’s at the Willow Grove Mall.

Joe Biden was munching on some bipartisan cupcakes like radio host Matt Cord’s dog on a bone. The cakes were from the Flying Monkey at the Reading Terminal Market. He was also invited to watch the election results with the Phillies Phanatic over at the Philadelphia Tap Room at 15th and Mifflin Sts. The Phanatic was practicing his "Rocky" number for the event. It was not clear, who was being set up for the punch. Rumor has it that it will be either White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino, or Matt Cord's dog.

Seriously, EVERYBODY, get out and vote Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, for the candidate of your choice.

Buy my humor ebook: Sitting on Cold Porcelain

About Me

Twitter: @rosevalenta Humor columnist.
Welcome to Rosie's Renegade Humor Blog. The word "Renegade" describes it all - seriocomic musings about current events, politics, sports, and humorous happenings from around the world. You know, "Skinny Dipping!"
I attend the bi-annual Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop at the University of Dayton, am one of the directors of the Robert Benchley Society, and the previous Membership Chair of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
I wrote for a subsidiary of McGraw-Hill for 12 years, as a technical staff writer and freelanced for other industry publications. I took creative writing courses at Delaware Technical College and attended classes at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Many of my articles are syndicated and have appeared in USA TODAY, Newsday.com, The Courier Post, The Wall Street Journal, and many other publications.

I am available for speaking engagements, please e-mail: ebww2014@comcast.net