In the last post, I made the case (persuasively, I hope) for why you might want to introduce your partner to sex with a vibrator. Now, let’s look at some non-threatening, sensitive ways to do that.

First, let me remind you that he might not be as threatened as you fear. Vibrators are everywhere—he’s probably seen them in the drugstore, on TV, or on social media. Maybe he’s curious, too. He may also be aware that your libido and sexual responses have been changing. You need more stimulation, more time, and maybe a change of pace to keep the flame alive. Maybe he needs something different as well.

A good beginning is with a conversation. Something like, Hey, I’ve been thinking…or, I read an article on… What do you think about…? Or, Maybe you’ve noticed I’m not as responsive as I used to be… Sex and relationship educator Kate McCombs suggests that “people really underestimate the sexy power of talking about what you’re going to do to each other later. For example: ‘…Should we try it? Hey. Why don’t we check it out online? Ooh. Let’s do it, and let’s get the expedited shipping.’ Then, by the time it arrives, you’ve basically been engaged in this four-day foreplay. I think that can be powerful for people.”

Shopping for your vibe together not only builds anticipation, but it feels like you’re sharing this new adventure—you’re on the same team, rather than either one of you being in charge or leading the charge.

You may need to reassure him early on that a vibrator never replaces sex with the living, breathing person you love. It’s a tool and a toy; it adds a new dimension; it can feel good; and you can learn a lot about what you both like. But it isn’t a replacement; you won’t become dependent on the vibrator; you won’t prefer it to him. In fact, studies show that women (and men) who use vibrators usually perform better and feel more positively about sex with their partners.

(There’s a physiological reason for this. Orgasm begets orgasm, because the muscle contractions, genital stimulation, and increased circulation makes it easier to orgasm next time. That’s why you never need to worry about the myth that a vibrator will make climaxing with your partner impossible; in fact, it’s just the opposite.)

A more oblique approach might be to introduce something new but less threatening, like massage or shower sex to your routine. Buy a new lube or massage oil. Expand your repertoire of sexy smells and touch. If you’re getting green lights, maybe you can, in time, gift him a “Happy Wednesday” vibrator.

Create a sense of mutual exploration and play while being sensitive to your partner’s comfort level as you go along. If he’s reticent, slow down and explore why. Fear is usually the underlying cause of anxiety or resistance. Bottom line: It’s worth trying something new, but if you both can’t play, it won’t be fun.

Bottom line #2: If you get a complete shutdown with no wiggle room? Completely fine. You don’t need toys for a loving sex life. Maybe you can shelve the conversation for another time. I believe, however, that you are free to use a vibrator by yourself. Using a personal vibrator will keep your tissues healthy and your interest in sex alive. That’s a good thing for you and your partner.

If you’re still with me, in the next post we’ll dig into vibes for beginners (and beyond) and how to use them with your partner.