Please
tell women that low-rise jeans only look good on a handful
of people. Whenever I go out, all I see is “girl love handles”
(GLH) hanging over low-rise jeans. For the love of humanity,
Dan! Someone needs to tell women who are overweight, tubby,
fat, or just not properly proportioned to stop wearing
jeans that show off or create rolls! Just today I saw a girl
who would have been attractive had it not been for her damn
low-rise jeans. GLH is never sexy, ladies! It’s revolting.
No one wants to see fat rolls hanging over the tops of jeans
or bulging out from under belly shirts! Seriously, women,
there really are only a select few of you who look good in
these jeans. If you don’t have the body for it (and if you
have to think about it—even for an instant—you don’t!), do
not wear low-rise jeans!

—Butter
with Your Rolls

I’m
opening this week’s rather random, slightly scattered column
(damn medical marijuana!) with your letter, BWYR, because
I happen to agree with you 100 percent. Just between you and
me and everyone else, I simply can’t believe we’re headed
for a third summer of low-rise jeans, high-rise shirts, and
overflowing GLH. Low-rise is not a fashion statement we Americans
should be making just now, what with our skyrocketing rates
of obesity. If North Americans want to flounce around in belly-and-backside-exposing
pants—and apparently we do—we should get the obesity epidemic
under control first.

I have been married for two years. I wouldn’t say I am
“in love” with my husband, but I do appreciate him as a person
and would never do anything to hurt him. But I have no desire
to have sex with him. The only way I can go through it is
if he doesn’t say a word so I can pretend he is someone else.
I think I am losing it. I lust after almost every guy I see.
I really want to make this marriage work since we have year-old
twin daughters. But I don’t know if I can go the rest of my
life without sex. We are currently in marriage counseling
and I am in therapy for a rape from my teen years, and this
has not helped so far. Do you have any advice? Any thoughts?

—Anyone
but My Husband

Since
I can only assume you’re getting tons of useful professional
advice already, ABMH, I’ll just share my thoughts with you.
(I’m also going to assume that your marriage counselor and
therapist have already raised the possibility that you’re
suffering from postpartum depression—thanks to the twins—and/or
posttraumatic stress—thanks to the rape—and that you’ve already
been told that with enough time, meds, and therapy, you may
start finding your husband attractive again.)

If you “appreciate” a guy as a person so much that you “would
never do anything to hurt him,” ABMH, then don’t marry him
if you find him physically repulsive. It’s too late for that,
of course, as you’ve already gone and married this guy—and
had kids, too, just to make a shitty situation almost unbearably
depressing. In your shoes, ABMH, I think I would give my counselor
and therapist some time to work me over before I did anything
rash, like, say, file for a divorce. But if things didn’t
improve in 10 or 20 years, I would definitely call a lawyer.

Rarely does anything in your column apply to my sex life.
Until this week. My new boyfriend and I were getting along
famously. We have similar sexual interests—mine being WS and
domination, his being S&M. Well, come to find out, he
is also into infantilism. Well I am not at all freaked out
by it; I even tried diapering him. But it just seemed rather
silly. What is your advice for someone who is willing to indulge
a fetish, but can’t resist the urge to internally giggle when
engaging in said fetish?

I am sure there are other women who find the sight of their
strapping lads in a diaper or, say, panties and a bra hilarious,
and don’t want to be mean about it. Any advice for us?

—Laughing
at My Baby

You’re
doing everything right, LAMB. You’re GGG (that’s Good, Giving,
and Game, new readers), indulging your partner in his fetish,
and your giggles are all internal. So you’re not laughing
in his face, thereby causing him to regret trusting you with
this sensitive info. So good on you, LAMB. And rest assured:
The sight of your boyfriend in diapers will stop inducing
internal giggles once you get used to it, once it’s just another
part of your sex life and not some new, thrilling, freaky
indulgence. People, as they say, can get used to anything—even
the sight of a grown man with a boner in a diaper.

I’m sure you’re already getting piles of hate mail for
DEPART, the man who helps his “total stud” of a roommate scare
off one-night stands, but I just wanted to take a minute to
answer his question as to the actual potential legal consequences
of his foot-wide shit-smeared asshole conduct: If any girl
was smart enough to talk to a cop about this, she might actually
be able to get this asshat charged with second-degree criminal
sexual conduct. This crime carries 25 years max, although
DEPART obviously wouldn’t be up for quite that much. Better
yet, a decent lawyer should be able to help any of their victims
extract some cash from both assholes for battery and/or intentional
infliction of emotional distress. Also, DEPART: Isn’t idolizing
your “total stud” of a roommate to the point that you’re hiding
out under his bed listening to him fuck just a little . .
. oh, I don’t know . . . gay?

—Amicus
Curiae

Thanks
for sharing, AC.

How many straight guys you know help other men get
laid? None. Straight men will not even help their best
friends get laid. In fact, they will bang their best friend’s
wife/girlfriend at the first opportunity. Also, females are
not Yorkshire terriers. When a hand grabs us from underneath
a bed, we do not yap and run in circles or flee. Like men,
we say, “What the fuck?” Followed by, “Who the fuck are you?”
DEPART’s letter has got to be fake! What man would admit to
lying under a bed for hours waiting for his roommate to bring
home a girl, listening to them fuck, just so he can grab her
leg, all to save his roommate the inconvenience of caller
ID?

—Unconvinced
Cathy

It
did occur to me that DEPART’s letter might be bullshit, UC.
So why did I run it? On the off chance that it wasn’t. On
the “freaky/unlikely” scale, one guy hiding under another’s
bed while the second guy fucks a strange woman falls well
within the “plausible” zone. I get letters every day about
this that are freakier, scarier, and much more fucked up.
And if DEPART’s letter was real, I wanted not so much to reach
him with my advice, but any woman unlucky enough to find herself
in his roommate’s bed. I look at it like this: If the letter
was fake, well, no harm done. But if it was real, DEPART and
his roommate might find themselves in a shitload of legal
trouble or, if the next lucky woman has a gun on her, they
might find themselves yapping and running in circles.