Searching for Hope

This morning I talk to the therapist. That’s a really good thing. I have so many mixed emotions about everything, I can’t seem to let any of them sit for long.

Yesterday I was in the house most of the day, which is probably not a good thing. I spent some time on the deck, listening to music, reading people’s blogs, but it just got too hot in the afternoon. I’d planned to go to brunch at the restaurant that hosts open mic night because a couple I am acquainted with was performing for 3 hours there. I just couldn’t get into it though, getting dressed and trying to find a parking place with the boat races still going on and associated festival down in the center of town. And the noise, from the boat races. My head already hurt.

Instead, as I said, I did some cooking. The banana cookies and some homemade coleslaw. I worked on my friend’s pendant. It is almost finished, and I am quite pleased with the way it looks. I hope she’ll like it. I found enough to do, to get through the day.

Today, I have some errands to do after I talk to the therapist. I’d like to take a walk too, by the water, if it’s not too hot. It looks to be a cloudier day today, so maybe it will be cooler. A guy is coming to mow my lawn today, first time since October, lol. I should have done it, but just can’t bring myself to deal with getting the mower started, going to get the gas, etc. It’s stupid, really, to pay someone $20 to do what I can do for myself. But that’s where I’m at, so instead of me procrastinating actually doing it for another week, it will get done.

Sleep came hard to me last night. I’m hoping tonight will be easier, that the demons take a rest from playing hide and seek in my head. I am thinking that this last week was a perfect example of everything falling apart so it could fall together in a new and different way. That in itself is a hopeful thought. Right now I need hope very much. I’ve let go of the hope that a lot of things would turn out differently, but I’m searching for the hope that other things will come into my life, to take their place. In the same way that there is always something to be grateful for, even if it is only your breath, there is always hope. Two positive emotions. I am going to try to immerse myself in them today.

There is always hope. Sometimes it’s hiding in the tall grass. 🙂 Nothing wrong with paying someone to do yard work when you can afford it. (I just started paying for someone to help with mine.) The cookies sound lovely!