Wednesday, February 8

Fact: I am 46 years old and I actually am OK with that.
Fact: I do love my husband, with all my heart and all my soul.
Fact: I have three kids whom I too love completely, but want to strangle occasionally.
Fact: I am open and honest.
Fact: I have a LOT of friends. And a lot of those friendships are very deep.
Fact: You can ask me anything and I will be truthful.
Fact: When I commit to something, it is fully.
Fact: I think I could have had an incredibly difficult adulthood, had I not worked very hard to work through the dysfunction of my childhood. I could write a book - or produce my own unbelievable reality show.
Fact: I would do just about anything for anyone.
Fact: I think I'm pretty funny. This not known to me until I started using social media and realize I crack myself up.
Fact: Sometimes things happen in my life that totally suck.
Fact: Sometimes I probably don't handle those sucky things "properly" but I handle them as best as only I can.
Fact: For the most part I consider myself very fortunate, and know I am blessed to have all that I do in my life.
Fact: I thank God for the above fact, every day.
Fact: I never have and never will consider myself to be any better than anyone else. Need proof? Ask, and I can provide.
Fact: My life is an open book. Again - just ask.
Fact: Don't fuck with my kids. You will regret it.
Fact: I say, shame on me, if I have let anyone fuck with ME.

Fiction: I am 46 years old....(ok, who am I kidding. I am. And I feel it most of the time.)
Fiction: My marriage is unstable.
Fiction: My kids are spoiled, rotten brats. (We work hard to parent the best way WE think.)
Fiction: I just say shit to say shit.
Fiction: I don't have any friends, and no one wants anything to do with me because of the way I am.
Fiction: I just spew shit because I want people to like me.
Fiction: I get involved in stuff swim related and school related, again, only because I want people to like me.
Fiction: Life is grand, always has been, always will be. Nothing bad can touch me, because I am THAT awesome.
Fiction: I use people.
Fiction: I use humor to cover up the pain in my life.
Fiction: Let me remind you - my life is PERFECT. Oh and so am I.
Fiction: I just handle things the way I do because I am a bitch. Plain and simple. I have no feelings.
Fiction: I think everything in life is owed me and should be handed to me on a silver platter.
Fiction: I don't believe in God.
Fiction: I count all the "things" I have that you don't.... I'm keeping score.
Fiction: I try to sugar coat my life and my existence so you don't see me for who I really am.
Fiction: Go ahead. Walk all over my kids. I don't care. I don't notice.
Fiction: Oh yeah. Go ahead..... underestimate me.

and remind myself to focus on what is right in front of me....literally.

Love this! And of course I love Leslie!

Next up for us was a quick little trip to Sedona.

Nothing quite like connecting with a landscape so indescribable to

aid in forgetting about any negativity in your life, school, work,

homework, swimming, driving, flying.....all those things that occupy

us, but define us as who we are in our normalcy.

And then "Monday" rolls around.

That back to school,

back to work,

back to laundry,

back to cleaning,

back to reality - day.

It's all good though.

Every bit of it.

So much so for me now.

For all that has happened in the past month

has changed me.

Forever.

So Bill's friend and business mentor Tommy died.

Suddenly.

Quickly.

Just like that.

Mid December brought so much excitement because Bill was going to finally be

finished with 6 weeks of traveling for work. My mother-in-law was coming here

to spend the holidays. The kids would be out for winter break, and we were gearing

up to spend Christmas in Disneyland with the Marshall family.

A day after Bill came home from San Francisco he got a call from Tommy's

business partner, that Tommy was in the hospital near the end....
So Bill went on his way to NYC - Sloan Kettering Hospital
to visit his best friend who had stage 4 lung cancer.
And I stayed home. Which killed me.
It killed me because I knew this would have been my one and only
opportunity to talk to Tommy. To tell him thank you for everything he'd brought to our life.
The love. The support. The friendship (best friendship with my husband).
The laughs. The kindness. The years. Many many years.
Just always being there, sometimes what seemed, just in the background.
One of the few people who whenever, where ever -
had our back. He was always, just THERE.

But Bill came home hopeful that Tommy would kick this.
Through writing and gestures Tommy "told" Bill he would be coming out
here to AZ.....soon. And Bill hoped. And I hoped.

We cancelled Disneyland.
We scrambled to bring Christmas to the kids at home, regardless of what was
going on. And amidst trying to be happy and hopeful, Tommy's life
ended on December 23rd.

With the arrangements set for the week end before New Years,
Bill once again headed back out to the east coast.
And I did not. Could not. I needed to take care of the kids,
as before. But while Bill was gone
I changed.

What is that saying? "Life sucks, then you die."
God, how many minutes have I spent creating some sort of "Life Sucks"
for myself. Letting shit get to me. Letting people get to me.
Wasting time worrying about
ALL THE WRONG THINGS.

Seriously. Life can and does end in an instant, sometimes.
Why am I not living my life
better or differently
knowing so?

So I vowed - to Tommy,
to change that.
In his honor.
To live my life,
for Bill and I to live OUR lives,
the way he lived his.
The way he showed us.

So if I could,
I would still want to thank him for all that he'd ever done for us,
but thank him too,
for changing our lives - our future.
Our outlook.
Our motivation.

I am on a roll.
And it feels really good.
2012 is going to be amazing.
And I am grateful and thankful for every moment
I am able to watch Bill fill the void in his life now,
with a new outlook on life.