The coat employs a self-tightening belt to simulate the feeling of being hugged, and says phrases like "I'm sorry I'm late" to give that fully-rounded feel to the interaction.

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If you're not trying to cut your dog in half, you have no business using this device. What's wrong with a good, old-fashioned leash?

Does your baby take up too much space? Is it too stinky? Thankfully, there's this baby cage that allows you to suspend it out your window!
(Photo by Reg Speller/Fox Photos/Getty Images)

Ponytails are so passé. The best way to keep your hair out of your noodles: masks made out of paper plates.

Because sometimes it's raining so hard that even your cigarette needs an umbrella.

Can you get any lazier?
Credit: ThinkGeek

For all of those times when a hat isn't enough to keep you warm, you can look like one of those creepy monsters from Beetlejuice?
Credit: Flickr

"Five-year-old Tim Gregory wears, under protest, a brush that cleans a child's neck without the use of soap and water in Los Angeles, Calif., Jan. 12, 1950. The plastic collar brush will dry-clean the youngster's neck thoroughly as he plays. The brush was developed by the Los Angeles Brush Corp. at a mother's suggestion."
What ever happened to a good old fashioned bath?
(h/t Business Insider)

Sure, records player are bulky, but so are records! We're having trouble seeing the point of this one.
Credit: ThinkGeek

Because making snowballs is so difficult.
Snowball Maker.

"Jack Milford, player with the Wembley Monarchs ice hockey team, has invented a carrying device so that his baby can join his wife and himself on the ice."
Ice skating is more important to this man than the safety of his child.
(h/t ByuTV)

An effective way to roast yourself to death.
(Photo by Yale Joel/Life Magazine/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images)

At least the baby will have a great immune system after some time being used as a mop and bathing in dirt.

For when you and your friend want to conserve tobacco while also sharing a tender moment.

For the "selfie" addict with short arms.
QuikPod Handheld Convertible Tripod. (Amazon)