I've been tagged! I got this from Lisa - I've enjoyed learning different things about my e-friends who've already been tagged this week, so maybe you'll learn a thing or two about me. Many Blessings! .Three screen names that you have had: HollyBN, hmbnovotny, peaches (my very first screen name - no idea until years later why my college guy friends called me that).Three things you like about yourself: my generosity, my green eyes that match my dad's, my parenting (most of the time).Three things you don't like about yourself: negative self-image, what I see in the mirror, and my guilt when I spend money on myself.Three parts of your heritage: Black Dutch, English and Hillbilly.Three things that scare you: heights, bugs and thoughts of anything happening to my family.Three of your everyday essentials: teethbrushing, deodorant, mascara & lipgloss (I know this is 4, makeup is one).Three things you are wearing now: glasses, body lotion, brown t-shirt.Three of your favorite songs: Only three? Wow, this is hard. Ants Marching (Dave Matthews Band - played during transition through Little A's labor); Kiss (Prince - playing when A and I met); and hmm....??? I got one!: Divin' In (Steven Curtis Chapman).Three things I want in a relationship: honesty, trying, communication (the love part comes naturally in any relationship - at least with me).Two truths and a lie: We are planning on another baby in the future; I have two tattoos; I used to have a major problem with alcohol, so much so that I was kicked out of the state I lived in.Three things you can't do without: MK Skin Care, glasses (or contacts, when I can wear them), my digital camera.Three places you want to go on vacation: Can't narrow it down to three... But, we are going to Vegas in September (just me and A); and we are tentatively planning a trip to London in the spring with all 4 of us. I'd love to go to Paris with A (the girls too).Three things you just can't do: sing well, imagine actually losing all this weight, sleep well at night.Three kids' names: V.e.r.o.n.i.c.a. L.e.i.g.h.; A.n.a.s.t.a.s.i.a. H.o.p.e.; Gabriella Marie.Three things you want to do before you die: go back to school to earn a degree; become a grandmother many times over, though there's no hurry on that one; have a Jaguar (completely selfish on my part).Three Celeb crushes: Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana, Mark Ruffalo.Three people you want to know these things about:Meredith, Rebekah, Jennifer

Well, as I told you last week, I was out of town taking care of my friend and her family after she had a major surgery. Her youngest, G, was a sweetheart most of the time he was alone with us. I am sure it was weird for him to be at his grandparents' house with us (they are on vacation) and not seeing his mom and only seeing his dad for a couple hours in the evenings. But, he was good, especially considering he is 3. So, that part was easy. Although, it's been re-confirmed that I think I am done having children. I just don't know about having 3 full time..Al was supposed to be released from the hospital on Wednesday, but because she couldn't pee enough on her own, they kept her an extra day. But she ended up coming home with a catheter anyway. Luckily, emptying the bag was something she was able to do herself, so my nursing responsibilities didn't go that far. Basically, I brought her meals in bed and kept G occupied (along with my girls). And cleaned. Three children make such more mess than 2 - and being at someone else's house, I was determined not to let the mess get out of hand. But, man, am I wiped out. :).A came Friday to spend the weekend. I left him with the girls on Saturday to have lunch with my mom and cousin (and a 19 yr old friend of my mother's). Then, we spent the afternoon at the mall. It was a nice break and I just love Children's Place. I bought a couple things for Veronica on sale (I'm cheap like that). And I also bought some lotion for myself at B&B Works big sale too. It was just nice to hang out (good golly, I haven't hung out at the mall in YEARS) and spend some down time with some of my favorite people. Oh, speaking of favorite people..... We've been wanting to get together with Little A's godmother - a really good friend/family member of ours. Sadly, we've seen her only a couple times if we run into her at church - once at Christmas and once at my Pop's funeral. Anyway, I've left her some messages and even mailed her a note via USPS a few weeks ago. I just haven't heard back from her. So, as we're walking through the mall, who should pop out of a store? Yep. the godmother. And she tried to hide from me - embarrassed. lol It was nice to see her and we promised that we would get together sometime in July. Then, we spent a casual evening at A's parents' house..Saturday night, we had quite a scare when I was showing Al the Hump Day Hotties Dirty Laundry style from a couple weeks ago - you remember the ones... the wet ones..... Anyway, she had sat on the floor to just have a change of scenery and was gasping and laughing so loud, but then felt a gush of blood, so we immediately called the home health nurse, who directed her to call 911. Oh, man, it got a little scary as it appeared she was having more and more bleeding. We hopped in the car and she called the OBGYN on the way to the hospital. The OBGYN had her check the bleeding (yes, as I was driving the car down a busy road) and instructed us to turn around and go home to monitor it for a couple hours before rushing to the ER. So, we did. And we set an alarm for an hour from our return so she could check the bleeding before we headed to dreamland. Luckily, after I'd drooled on my arm and the blanket, she deemed the bleeding slow enough for us to head to bed. And it turns out it was likely leftover blood from the surgery that never came out til she was upright on the floor. But, it did get tense there for about 15 minutes..After church Sunday, we grabbed bagels and headed back to A's parents'. We spent some time again - they are leaving tomorrow for 35 days - and the great-grandparents came over after they were done with church (they went to a later mass than we did). Sunday afternoon, A and I left the kids with his mom while we went to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It was a fun and exciting movie, even if it was pretty fantastical. And well, Brad and Jolie are definitely nice to watch. Absolutely beautiful people. Unnatural, really..And then, Monday morning took A to work and I tried to get things wrapped up at the house, so I could come home. The nurse came to finally take the catheter from Al; I had to strip the beds and wash all Al's clothes so she has things to wear this week; we took her to her followup with the OBGYN; I took 3 kids to the mall to play while we waited during her appt; picked her up; went to lunch and the grocery store; then back to fold laundry and pack up. She argued about me bringing G home with me, but I won and he's here now. She is in no shape to care for a 3 year old on her own all day - she tried not taking her pain meds yesterday morning (she can't even focus her eyes while she's taking it) and was in agony by 9:30 am. So, I convinced her that he is much better off with me until she's feeling a bit better. Of course, that means keeping three from killing each other in this tiny apartment, but this tiny apartment is home for now and I just needed to be here after a week away..And well.... there is more to share, but I need to get these kids dressed and to the grocery store if we are going to eat anything today that resembles fresh produce. I'm thinking of meatloaf for dinner. Ah, comfort food..I will try to do another little update in the next day or so, since we are leaving again Thursday for the holiday weekend..Many Blessings and prayers for you and your family to enjoy the holiday weekend safely and with much fun!

First, I want to say a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to our girl, Cara!!!! Lots of exciting things going on in her life and one huge thing that is well-deserved! I am so proud of you and love you so much. Just had to shout out to her - I'm sure she'll want to share details later.

Second, I am not around much this week. Actually, I am out of town (in our "hometown") this entire week. A friend of mine had surgery yesterday and I am here to care for her 3 1/2 year old and will also wait on her hand and foot once she is released from the hospital. Please pray this morning that she "voids" before noon or they will re-place the catheter and keep her another day (she was supposed to be released this morning, but can't seem to void). So, I am staying at her parents' house (they are away on vacation) with my girls and her youngest son. It is weird staying in someone else's house alone, but it is a beautiful house right in my friends' and family's neck of the woods, so it's pretty cool. The one sad thing here is my girls seem to like waking before 6 (I just HAVE to sleep until at least 7!) and they have dial-up. So, I am trying to keep up with everyone, but can't stay online all day, and that is about how long it takes to load the pages..... hahaha

Becca, I am sorry I didn't call you back yesterday. We're all fighting a nasty cold and we were trying to take a nap when you called. I will call you tonight after 9 (or maybe call you earlier and have you call back here on the house phone). Poor Little A is having her typical asthmatic issues with her cold. It gets old having to force her to sit and take a nebulizer treatment. The kid is a trooper, though. V seems better already, but I am feeling awful. Great, just what we need during the week I am supposed to be caring for a whole other family.

Anyway, I gotta go - the kids are screaming at each other and someone just pushed..... back to my patrol work. :)

We had the unexpected blessing of my cousin (remember, the one with the rosary in her teeth?) coming to visit much sooner than expected. So, we've been busy. Between driving to pick her up an hour away on Thursday, going to a theme park on Friday, a birthday party and a baby shower on Saturday, Father's Day and church today.... we've just been busy.

I can't even express how blessed I am to have my cousin here with us. Not only do I feel such a strong kinship with her, in spite of our 14 year age difference, but she is so good with my girls. As in, Little A has not left B's side since we picked her up. She wants to sit with her constantly (with the exception of church this morning, where she just wanted to lay on me) and insists on hugging and kissing B as much as possible. It really warms my heart that my kids are building strong family ties. And well, it makes us feel like we are doing something of a good job as parents.

Which brings me to my next subject: Fathers

Gosh, my feelings today have been all ajumble. (I know it's not really a word, but hey, sue me) Believe it or not, I called my brother this morning to wish him a happy father's day. Even though he didn't answer the phone (obviously still avoiding me since our last phone call 2 weeks ago), I left a message, short and sweet. I called A's dad. We were supposed to go over there this afternoon, but V has a cold and can't be around PopPop when she's sick (too risky for him to get sick with his heart condition and all).

Of course, first thing this morning, the girls were hard at work making their cards for daddy (they were supposed to make them last night, but B forgot). I packaged up his gifts and sent them in to give them to him in bed. He was thrilled with the butterfly coaster that V had painted for him at the pottery cafe. He can't wait to display that butterfly on his desk at work. Ana's painted creation was cute too, a little VW bug-like car. Just like the cliche that we are, he also got a tie (one he wanted!) and his favorite, a Nomad mp3 player. Actually, as I am typing this entry, I am also downloading his cds and converting them to load on his player (what fun!). He is thrilled with this last item because he is a music FREAK and he also realized that he can listen to anything while he plays the drums in the future.

Anyway, then we headed to Panera for bagels and coffee before church. I had planned on making breakfast, but A said he was really wanting a cinnamon crunch (sinful!) bagel. (I think he secretly didn't want me to have to cook all day, sweet husband that he is). On the way, I called my grandmother's second husband to wish him a happy father's day. He is my only living grandfather-type figure (unless you count my other's grandma's 3rd husband who I've met twice) and he treats my grandmother well in spite of her quirks. Not to mention, he's good to the rest of us and seems genuinely pleased to have a place in our family. It made me sad when he told me that I was the only one who'd wished him Happy Father's Day (he has a grown daughter and biological grandchildren who are old enough to know better). It made me feel even better about calling. It isn't like we're close, but I wanted him to know that I appreciate him (especially now, that he's really trying to do everything he can to help my mom and he's been the one actually loaning her the money to pay the bills).

And well, then it made me think of my dad, how it's been 10 Father's Days that I haven't given him a hug or a card or a present. That I am nearing his oldest birthday - he was only 38 when he died and as quickly as the years are passing, I know I will remember this night, how it seemed that 10 years had passed in the blink of an eye since he died... And when I am 38, it will have been 20 years..... How I would give anything to be able to call him up and tell him how much he means to me, to my family. Wow, I miss him incredibly.

And Bob (Pop)... That this is the first Father's Day in nearly 10 years that I haven't given him a card. My mom found a pile of birthday and Father's Day cards that he kept in his drawer - all from me, a few from my girls. It makes my heart hurt to think of how my girls will miss him throughout the years - how I will miss him too. I know it's selfish, but I feel robbed. I felt that I had an amazing blessing in getting a second dad, and he was an amazing blessing in my life. I hope he knew just how much I appreciated and loved him. He's another one I'd give anything to be able to give a hug to on this Father's Day. Another life lost too young - at 53.

One of the things I most looked forward to when I moved to Florida over 10 years ago was spending time with my grandfather. My mom's dad was a tough guy who grew up on a farm in the Kentucky hills. He worked hard and he had a sense of humor that noone could match. He used to tell us when we were really little (3? 4? 5? older?) that if we got pepper onto the tail of the squirrels in the yard, they'd stop running and we could pet them. Man, I remember coming inside exhausted after chasing those squirrels around for hours - determined to get a little black pepper onto the tail of just one. Ya' know, funny story: I told that to a young man on my college campus one crisp fall afternoon as he watched a squirrel playing near a tree - I didn't tell him the my grandfather told me that, I told him it was scientifically proven that the pepper would temporarily paralyze the squirrel - an allergic reaction of sorts. I had the greatest laugh when that guy actually believed me for a minute. I just walked away shaking my head. Grandpa Ernie died less than 4 months after I moved here, much too young at 59. I didn't get to spend the time with him that I wanted. But, I know he knew how much I love him.

And Papa Jack. Wow, I know that I've not been as dutiful a granddaughter as I should have been in the past and I've been doing a much better job recently with phone calls and notes in the mail. I pray I got the message across before Papa was gone. He wasn't young when he died, but that doesn't affect how much he will be missed.

So, my day was filled with some sadness as I thought of these men who I've spent past Father's Days honoring and appreciating in a special way. Men who greatly affected the picture I had in my head as a girl about what I wanted the father of my children to be like. And I can tell you honestly that I could have never imagined that my co-parent would be someone as involved and as loving as my husband truly is. I spent a greater part of the day today, appreciating the fantastic presence of wonderful father's in my life. My father-in-law is incredible and loving and just about as perfect as a father could be. And he helped produce a son who is truly the best father I know.

As a girl, I idealized my dad - he was the center of my universe. He always took time for us, even though he was often working 2 full-time jobs to support us. His sacrifices were great, but we never suffered from his schedule - he came to all our games, all our banquets, all our special events. He had dinner with us each night before heading back out to work until 1 or 2 am. Only to start all over again at 7 am. And while A doesn't work those kinds of hours, I see the same dedication in him to provide for our family. And his love and care for our daughters is even more touching than my dad's was for me. I guess the main difference is that God is such a big part of our family and while my dad was a Christian, he was silent about his faith and we never even knew in his lifetime that he believed in God.

I am so blessed to have A in my life. He is not only an incredible friend and husband, but I could absolutely not have imagined someone being a better father than my own father was. But, he's here. And he's the father of my children. On this day and every day, I hope he knows just how much he means to me and how much I appreciate his relationships with our daughters. He is such a blessing.

And to all fathers, may you know each day how much you are needed and loved in your families. May you find happiness in your responsibilities and love in your relationships with your children.

This week, V is attending vacation bible school at our church. Little A was very upset this morning as she realized that she was not going to attend as well. I promised Little A that I would take her out to breakfast - wherever she wanted. Well, the little snob wanted a chocolate hazelnut bagel with cream cheese, so we went to Panera. :)

As we sat enjoying our coffee (me!) and bagels, I was chatting with her and telling her of our upcoming schedule of visitors and visiting. I mentioned next week, we'd be sleeping over with some friends. yay! Then miss Becca and baby Rachael will be coming - YAY! And then cousin B will be coming for a visit - YAYY!!

Well, even more crap hit the fan last week - can you believe there evenwas more to go up? Suffice to say my stepbrothers' attorney is a greedy be-yotch and is trying to take everything she can from my mom (remember she gets at least 1/3 of the entire estate, so the more she takes, the more she pockets herself). Oh, and the greedy a$$es of stepbrothers that I have are just cruising along with the attorney, happy to make my mom pay them half the value of her own furniture. Yep, that's what I really said. Oh, and they want her truck too. And even went to illegal lengths to try to get it from her. I hope he goes to jail for fraud. The only good thing that will come out of any of this is that my mom now has an attorney of her own (though she had to pull money out of her a$$ to pay for it - seriously, she is going so far into debt because she can't get the insurance $ yet for red tape, I think she owes my grandmother close to $5k now for helping with bills and everything since Pop died.) Ugh. Anyway, now we don't have to worry about those boys and their she-devil lawyer. And hopefully the truck issue will be resolved Wednesday - long story.

Anyway, I want to talk about something aside from the craziness or the stress..... well, maybe at least a little about something other than that. Friday was our friends' 10th wedding anniversary. These friends have had a very strained relationship for a few years now and they've been seeing miracle-worker-psychologist for some marriage counseling. Things have been improving teeny bit by teeny bit (they have to be a bit more committed to the therapy process and actually go on a regular schedule). Anyway, it was their anniversary. And her mom wouldn't keep the kids overnight. 2 months after keeping her other grandchildren for a whole weekend for the anniversary of her older daughter. ??? So, basically, they were going to go to dinner and a movie for their 10th anniversary. !!! Romantic? Nope. During a time when they need some ultimate romance in their marriage.... Well, I would not stand for it. :) I insisted that we get them a hotel room (I love my husband) and we would stay overnight with their kids at their house while they go out and have an overnight date. We put champagne, strawberries and chocolates in their room when we checked into the hotel for them. They went to dinner and then to the hotel for a bit before going to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Apparently the combination was perfect and a wonderful night was had by them. I mean, who wouldn't come back to the hotel feeling frisky after watching two of the world's sexiest people in a movie together? And surprisingly, the evening was a breeze for us, in spite of having 5 children. And believe it or not, they were all in bed by 9, though our girls had a hard time falling asleep.

Saturday morning, I had an appointment with the miracle-worker-psychologist (I referred them to her, as I staked my claim on her many years ago). It went something like this:

me: I can't seem to stop crying this week

her: duh, you are under so much stress, I'm surprised it took this long to get you to cry

me: I am worried about crying so much - it's just not natural

her: it IS natural. you haven't cried in months and don't you think it is all just catching up?

me: I suppose, but when should I be worried if it carries on like this?

her: if you're still crying a lot in a week, call me. In the meantime, please call me during the week and we'll have more session on the phone. There's lots to talk about.

As in, she knows I live an hour away and knows one hour wasn't enough, so she would like to talk to me on the phone until I feel better. I love her. Really, I do. She knows me better than anyone on the planet (probably better than my husband knows me, though he's quickly catching up).

Later that day, we went to my mom's for an impromptu BBQ with my family - my aunt from SC had come for the weekend so we invited my aunt who lives an hour away here and my cousin and her daughter. Poor A was the lone man in the bunch. Good thing he loves to play in the pool with the kids. He's a good man. And even better that he's willing to spend an afternoon with a bunch of silly women. We had a nice time hanging out together and I wish everyone lived closer so we could do it more often.

We stayed overnight at A's parents' and then Sunday spent the morning at church and then with A's grandparents before heading back to his parents' house so he could play the drums and then mow the yard. I had a big nap in the afternoon with Little A. We went to dinner with the great-grandparents and then headed home.

Have I ever mentioned how happy I am to be an hour from home? It is so nice to spend so much time with family.

I just am feeling so blech. I know, I know, I did just find out earlier this week (on the same day, no less) that my friend is back in the hospital and that my grandpa died.... But I guess maybe my problem is that I am taking the things my brother said way too personally because all I want to do is cry. He actually said (in an email the next morning) that the reason he didn't tell me about Papa was because he didn't think Grandma needed any "undue drama or the stress of me making this all about" me. What does that mean? I guess my thing is that I know exactly what that implies and I just don't understand how he could think that it would be like that at all.

I admit, in the past (about 10+ years ago), right after my dad died (I was 18 going on 19), I got into a pretty selfish stage and I was getting wasted all the time. So wasted that I missed a birthday party - I don't remember if I was wasted for the birthday party or if I was just so mindless that I was working one of my 3 jobs at the time of the actual party. Poor judgement? yes. a bit selfish? yes. Drama queen? I didn't think so - not then and not now. I didn't draw attention to myself over the whole thing, I just slunk away with my tail between my legs - all the way to Florida, as I recall.

Or is he referring to the time that I was raped the night of the big charity benefit that our stepmother hosted in my dad's memory (a year after he died)? Yeah, that could be it. Because, I do recall I was a little dramatic after being released from the hospital the next morning.

I guess I just feel sick over the whole thing. And there is something else that I don't really feel comfortable talking about here, but if you're the praying type, please offer up some serious prayers for my mom. If you're not the praying type, send positive thoughts her way. Thank God my aunt is here this weekend. I just need to know someone is there with my mom even for a few nights. Though I hardly think that will make much a difference in my worrying, considering when the girls and I were there the other night (we had a sleepover), it didn't stop the self-destructive behavior. Oy, I just can't handle the stress of worrying about her right now. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but could I just have a little break from the stress? I mean, on the one hand, I can totally understand why my mom would be doing what she's doing, but on the other hand, she has a heart condition and for her to be engaging in self-destructive drinking.... I just can't handle seeing her so unhappy that she is intentionally running her health into the ground.

Okay, I am going to sign off for now. The fact is, I am wallowing a bit this week and I just need to snap out of my funk. I left a message for my therapist Tuesday and she called today while we were out. Hopefully, she'll remember to call me back this evening (she said she would). Oy, I just need to get some different perspective on this whole stress that is my life currently.

Oh, and I can't talk to Kate these days - she can't call long distance from the hospital and the nurses said they are now only taking messages and patients can call back if they want. URGH!Maybe the night nurse will let me through this evening. I've set my alarm to remind me when it is time for her to get calls.

So, ladies, while I am certainly being selfish (dramatic?) and making this all about me, I am going to ask anyway for you to send up some prayers for me. Here I am seeking grace and all I want to do is curl in a ball under the covers and cry myself to sleep.

Until next time, I pray you are well and healthy. And I pray that you feel peace this day and through the weekend.

Papa Jack was one of the most gentle men I have known in my life. He loved to take care of and play with his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He was incredibly talented at growing things - roses, beans, tomatoes, I remember tall sunflowers one year that my brother and I ran over with the go-cart and boy, did we get in trouble for that.

Papa Jack never cared that we were step-step-grandchildren - he treated us the same as the rest. He was so loving - took such good care of Grandma once she started having her back problems. I ache for how her life changed last week. Her companion, her love, her support... How her heart must have broken lifting his face to find the light gone out.

Give praise to God, Papa had a full and mostly happy life. I will never forget the wonderful times we spent together with the rest of the family - and even those few quiet days we had together just Papa and Grandma and A, me and the girls. What a treasure that time was. I only wish there'd been more.

May you find eternal peace and love in the hereafter. I don't think I told you I love you enough.

This is a terrible way to post this... but I feel like I am going to burst with my anger.

My brother called me about an hour ago. Just to check in. Oh, and by the way, our grandfather in Ohio (local to my brother) died. Last week. And the funeral was yesterday.

WTF?!??!?!

Okay, I just about hung up on him, since I was upset from the news and then completely enraged by the fact that I was prevented from being there for the funeral. Prevented from paying my respects, prevented from participating in an important family event. Prevented from being there to give my grandma a hug when she is obviously in most need of hugs.

So, not only am I sad that Papa is gone, but I couldn't be there to say my goodbyes with the rest of the family because my stepmother and my brother chose to prove to me that I am not considered part of their family.

God, please just make me understand why THESE people are my family?

And for Papa, I am sorry I didn't appreciate you more. I have such fond memories of playing in your gardens and helping pick green beans and tomatoes. I love you and am so sad for Grandma to be missing you so.

I came home from Miami, excited about the coming week, posting some pictures of the beach and generally just trying to catch up with all my friends. I found out that Cara's family has some crazy/stressful/exciting news - and I called her this morning to congratulate/commiserate with her and I sat at my desk as we were talking and there was an email from Kate. Only when I opened it, it wasn't from Kate. It was from her husband. And well, my excitement over my upcoming week completely dissipated as I read and re-read the email. Of course, Cara was still on the other end of the phone and she was freaking out as I just kept saying over and over again "Ohmygod... ohmygod.... ohmygod..." Finally I read out loud the email and I just thank God I was not *alone* when I read that email. Thank you, Cara, for being my friend and for being with me as we got the news about our friend, Kate.

She's back in the hospital, this time much worse than last time. Please pray for her and her family. There are more details on bad girls blogging.