NYC single mommy; Three time Columbia University Alumna (BA in Psychology; MA and EdM in Psychological Counseling); Educator and Adjunct Professor by day, Freelance Writer/Lifestyle Blogger by night; Stylista at heart; Kids fashion is my thing. My life is filled with all things pink (and purple), except for the one bit of blue -- my rambunctious 7-year-old son; Perfect combo of sweet, chic, edgy, and badass. Small gal with big dreams and determined to #walkbyfaith

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Mommy Meltdowns

Hey Lovelies!

Last week I wrote about Aiden’s meltdowns at home and in the middle of Target (ouch!). So since I put my son on blast like that, I thought it would only be fair if this week I wrote a bit about my meltdowns, one in particular. Hey, we all have our moments, right?

I remember one day when Aiden was about 9 months old. Gosh, that seems like centuries ago… they go up so fast! Just another reminder to cherish and appreciate these moments. But that’s a total tangent. Back to the point.

I needed to go out the ATM to get some cash, pay some bills, and run a few other errands. But for some reason unknown to mankind, I couldn’t find my ATM card. As I began the desperate search for the card, Aiden was busy cruising around (he was an early walker – 10 months), following me from room to room. Normally I would’ve been happy to have my "shadow" everywhere I went, but not that day. He’d been fussy and cranky and crying all day (at the time I didn’t realize that another tooth was coming in), but all I wanted to do was to find my darn ATM card.

After having him follow me around for what felt like forever (it was probably only 10 minutes, but hey…), I got frustrated. The bill that I wanted to pay was past due; I needed to pay it by that day; I needed to run other errands as well; I needed Aiden to take a nap… the list goes on and on and on.

Once he began crying, I lost it. Well not totally so don’t go running to your phones to call Child Protective Services on me just yet. But in that very instant, I felt so flustered and frustrated that for the first time EVER, I put Aiden in his crib while he was still screaming at the top of his lungs, closed the bedroom door, went to the living room, fell to the floor, and sobbed. True story. I still get choked up just thinking about it. I sobbed because I felt like I should’ve been able to soothe my crying child. I sobbed because I felt like I was having a horrible week and NOTHING seemed to be going well. I sobbed because my boyfriend left me alone with Aiden that morning and got to go to work while I had to stay home. I just sobbed.

After my 15-minute pity-party was over, I picked myself up, washed my face, walked into the bedroom, and picked up my child – who was STILL screaming by the way. Then, I rocked him until he fell asleep. Whew!

I said all this to note that: Even the most put-together mommies can’t keep it together every single second of every single day.

I have never been able to understand how a mother can harm her own child, but in that very instant, right before I had my meltdown, I got it. Well, a little bit anyway. I began to understand how someone can snap… and totally loose it. Perhaps it’s in those crazy and chaotic moments... right before the meltdown.

What saved me is that I was able to put my son down and leave the room in order to fall apart, and then put myself back together again.