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the pick-up artists

this one completely backfired. i thought it would induce laughter, but i expected a slight “this guy is different, i wonder what he’s about” chuckle instead of the loud guffaw causing her to choke on her ice while sprinting to her girls and repeating the line, with “this n*gga” substituted for my name “listen to what this n*gga just said to me…” .

moral of the story: md 20/20 is the devil

the most intimidatingly aggressive: “i’m trying to f*ck d&g tonight”

***short backstory: i was in cincinnati with my cousin for his college graduation. we went to some super packed, super hood club, and it happened to be “no panties” night, which expectedly brought out all of the ohio river freaks (seriously. “no panties night”. read that again. every woman with no panties on got in for free. i’m not making any of this up. i love cincinnati, btw). one of the aforementioned panty-less freaks apparently noticed that i was wearing a d&g t-shirt, and approached me, grabbed my hand to put it somewhere to let me know that she, ummm, got in free that night, and said “i’m trying to f*ck d&g tonight” loud as hell. moral of the story: i should have worn a different shirt***

the best pick-up method i’ve ever used:

girl in library
studies intensely while guy
thinks about approach

while in the library one saturday afternoon, i wrote this extremely awkward haiku on an index card (with my name and number on the back), and gave it to an apathetically fine girl i saw studying with one of those intense, “if you come within 24 inches of me, i’ll bite your fingers off” faces. i walked up to her, introduced myself, gave it to her, and bounced. she called a day later, and eventually became my first (and hopefully only) ex-fiancee

i could continue, but i’m curious: vsb.com, what are the most notable “pick-up” experiences you’ve had? the best method you’ve used? the worst line you’ve heard? any and everything that sticks out in your mind favorably or regrettably in regards to approaching or being approached is fair game.

—the champ

Filed Under:

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

Previously

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Worst: “Hey girl… you sholl is thicker than frozen peanut butter” lol I laughed at him and got on the red line.

Best: It may sound a little creepy, but I met a guy on the red line. (I know, me and trains) We struck up a conversation and he asked where I worked. He showed up at my job, with a rose ( I worked in Macy’s–No where hide) and asked me to lunch. It was one of the best relationships I had. It sucked he was only interning here for summer.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Vitamin Be, that WAS some spooky stuff. I don’t like when strangers just SHOW up.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Vitamin Be, that WAS some spooky stuff. I don’t like when strangers just SHOW up.

panamajackson

Yeah, you’re extra understanding of cats just showing up.

Hell, I ain’t even told my momma where I work.

http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

LOL… The rose was his ‘peace offering’ , it was kinda sweet and I definitely gave him, the psycho once over. You guys need to be a little more trusting.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Vitamin Be. The rose was a distration. Why did he need a peace offering? Exactly. You are going to end up on the 6 o’clock news being so “trusting”. Watch you back. js

http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

I feel you Elenda…you can never be too sure he could have ‘caraaazy, deraaaaanged’ lol.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Vigtamin. … a lunatic!

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Vigtamin. … a lunatic!

http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

I feel you Elenda…you can never be too sure he could have ‘caraaazy, deraaaaanged’ lol.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Vitamin Be. The rose was a distration. Why did he need a peace offering? Exactly. You are going to end up on the 6 o’clock news being so “trusting”. Watch you back. js

http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

LOL… The rose was his ‘peace offering’ , it was kinda sweet and I definitely gave him, the psycho once over. You guys need to be a little more trusting.

panamajackson

Yeah, you’re extra understanding of cats just showing up.

Hell, I ain’t even told my momma where I work.

http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

Worst: “Hey girl… you sholl is thicker than frozen peanut butter” lol I laughed at him and got on the red line.

Best: It may sound a little creepy, but I met a guy on the red line. (I know, me and trains) We struck up a conversation and he asked where I worked. He showed up at my job, with a rose ( I worked in Macy’s–No where hide) and asked me to lunch. It was one of the best relationships I had. It sucked he was only interning here for summer.

Miss Patterson

I was in the Burgh walking downtown when a guy approached me and said “Hey are you registered to vote?” I responded “yes, but I don’t live here.” To which he responded so “are you moving back? I mean do you need an escort?” “Naw, I grew up here I think I know my way around…” As I began to walk away he continued to walk with me and say “cuz i might be tryin’ to show you a different kind of visual, and you know chocolate is my favorite flavor”. I laughed, walked briskly away and hopped on the first 61A going outbound.

To date the only time I’ve used a pick-up line on a guy(s) was during Freaknic ’95 …it was a numbers game challenge I played with my boyfriend at the time. Bad idea, because I won and he was pissssssssed. And another week of penis punishment was sentenced upon me. gheesh!

panamajackson

Any time a man actually agrees to playing a competetive game along the lines of shit like “the numbers game” with you women, respectfully decline and stroke his ego.

an argument is destined to come your way once you win. plus, it’s just not a fair game.

chicks=tits. what man is ACTUALLY gonna say no ? unless of course you look like a telephone.

Miss Patterson

yeh…now i know how guys feel when we drop a loaded question like “do i look as good as [enter model’s name] in this bathing suit?”…in the future i will respectively decline to play the game.

Miss Patterson

yeh…now i know how guys feel when we drop a loaded question like “do i look as good as [enter model’s name] in this bathing suit?”…in the future i will respectively decline to play the game.

panamajackson

Any time a man actually agrees to playing a competetive game along the lines of shit like “the numbers game” with you women, respectfully decline and stroke his ego.

an argument is destined to come your way once you win. plus, it’s just not a fair game.

chicks=tits. what man is ACTUALLY gonna say no ? unless of course you look like a telephone.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“cuz i might be tryin’ to show you a different kind of visual”

this would be a great line to use on a blind chick

panamajackson

True indeed.

panamajackson

True indeed.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“cuz i might be tryin’ to show you a different kind of visual”

this would be a great line to use on a blind chick

Miss Patterson

I was in the Burgh walking downtown when a guy approached me and said “Hey are you registered to vote?” I responded “yes, but I don’t live here.” To which he responded so “are you moving back? I mean do you need an escort?” “Naw, I grew up here I think I know my way around…” As I began to walk away he continued to walk with me and say “cuz i might be tryin’ to show you a different kind of visual, and you know chocolate is my favorite flavor”. I laughed, walked briskly away and hopped on the first 61A going outbound.

To date the only time I’ve used a pick-up line on a guy(s) was during Freaknic ’95 …it was a numbers game challenge I played with my boyfriend at the time. Bad idea, because I won and he was pissssssssed. And another week of penis punishment was sentenced upon me. gheesh!

@F_T_Enchantress
Someone stole my line???? My friend and I would use “Wanna Fuck” at the end of the night in college. That was our “no beating around the bush” way of getting instant ass. I still love it. Don’t let me hit the market again, it would SO be on. LOL

Miss Patterson

for real? i thought that only worked for “Rollergirl” in Boogie Nights- lol! then again i could see no hesitation on the part of the guy if a woman actually did you use that line.

Miss Patterson

for real? i thought that only worked for “Rollergirl” in Boogie Nights- lol! then again i could see no hesitation on the part of the guy if a woman actually did you use that line.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@F_T_Enchantress
Someone stole my line???? My friend and I would use “Wanna Fuck” at the end of the night in college. That was our “no beating around the bush” way of getting instant ass. I still love it. Don’t let me hit the market again, it would SO be on. LOL

panamajackson

Best: “You are absolutely beautiful” then he walked away.

It’s amazing how often this works. Nothing piques a chicks interest more than a man who just walks away after offering a complement. Hell, that’d be my first suggestion to any man who’s trying to meet some chick.

It’s a hell of a first impression and she’ll remember it and remember you — unless you look like a telephone.

Plus, it’s romantic on some “the notebook” type shit and chicks not only love the smiley face, they love “the notebook”. Gives them the idea that true love might be on the horizon. It makes hittin’ the skinz easier.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“Best: “You are absolutely beautiful” then he walked away.

It’s amazing how often this works. Nothing piques a chicks interest more than a man who just walks away after offering a complement. Hell, that’d be my first suggestion to any man who’s trying to meet some chick.”

yeah, the “bait and bounce” is always a good move, but you hafta be sure that you’ll actually see that chick again

F_T_Enchantress

Yea I never saw him again. Then again I didn’t really care.

http://jdakar.com J. Dakar

Hey, you aren’t in Alabama, are you?

http://jdakar.com J. Dakar

Hey, you aren’t in Alabama, are you?

F_T_Enchantress

Yea I never saw him again. Then again I didn’t really care.

bklynbadass

I saw a beautiful man walking at Jazzmobile, circa 1990, NYC. Jazzmobile is a summer outdoor jazz, food and vendor-fest. My friends and I would go up there afterwork dressed to the nine’s but looking like we put no effort into it STRICTLY to pick up guys. So I saw this guy and walked over to him and said ” Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I had to tell you that you are beautiful and great for breeding, I might add!” we laughed and I walked away. 15 minutes later he came over to me,sans friends, introduced himself and we were together for the next 3 years!

bklynbadass

I saw a beautiful man walking at Jazzmobile, circa 1990, NYC. Jazzmobile is a summer outdoor jazz, food and vendor-fest. My friends and I would go up there afterwork dressed to the nine’s but looking like we put no effort into it STRICTLY to pick up guys. So I saw this guy and walked over to him and said ” Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I had to tell you that you are beautiful and great for breeding, I might add!” we laughed and I walked away. 15 minutes later he came over to me,sans friends, introduced himself and we were together for the next 3 years!

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“Best: “You are absolutely beautiful” then he walked away.

It’s amazing how often this works. Nothing piques a chicks interest more than a man who just walks away after offering a complement. Hell, that’d be my first suggestion to any man who’s trying to meet some chick.”

yeah, the “bait and bounce” is always a good move, but you hafta be sure that you’ll actually see that chick again

http://lizburr.com Liz

I think the bait and bounce is rather lame. Just don’t say anything, keep it moving. Telling me I am beautiful will leave me thinking, “okay, and???” Not to be stank, but that’s really what would cross my mind.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“I think the bait and bounce is rather lame. ”

this makes me sad

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“I think the bait and bounce is rather lame. ”

this makes me sad

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Liz. The bait and bounce wouldn’t work with me either. I’d think the guy who walked off was not interested or lame.

http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

Or gay.

http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

Or gay.

willnotbetelevised

Nah, I like anyone who gives me a compliment and doesn’t expect anything more. I guess I get caught but its a nice way to get caught. I would be nicer to you but I would think you weren’t interested. Saying you’re beautiful and then walking aways is like saying I like your shoes, or I like your hair and then walking away. I just assume you like whatever I was doing that day, but not enough to holla. You’d make me feel good that day, and I’d like you better but I’d think of you like a chic who says the same thing.

willnotbetelevised

Nah, I like anyone who gives me a compliment and doesn’t expect anything more. I guess I get caught but its a nice way to get caught. I would be nicer to you but I would think you weren’t interested. Saying you’re beautiful and then walking aways is like saying I like your shoes, or I like your hair and then walking away. I just assume you like whatever I was doing that day, but not enough to holla. You’d make me feel good that day, and I’d like you better but I’d think of you like a chic who says the same thing.

http://www.5andapossible.blogspot.com Rum Punch

I concur! Rum Punch thinks back to a guy who said it her, “you’re really beautiful.I just wanted to tell you that.” And walked away. I was like “um thanks.” And kept on drinking my rum and coke. I mean it was intriguing, but I was too lazy to meet him halfway…I mean what am I supposed to do with that line?

http://thebeautifulstruggler.com Sister Toldja

This happens to me a lot. Why do men feel the need to tell me I am beautiful and leave? Why? I need answers. Granted, if I were THAT interested in more, I’d stop the guy (maybe…). But I am confused as to why men do this.

http://thebeautifulstruggler.com Sister Toldja

This happens to me a lot. Why do men feel the need to tell me I am beautiful and leave? Why? I need answers. Granted, if I were THAT interested in more, I’d stop the guy (maybe…). But I am confused as to why men do this.

http://www.5andapossible.blogspot.com Rum Punch

I concur! Rum Punch thinks back to a guy who said it her, “you’re really beautiful.I just wanted to tell you that.” And walked away. I was like “um thanks.” And kept on drinking my rum and coke. I mean it was intriguing, but I was too lazy to meet him halfway…I mean what am I supposed to do with that line?

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Liz. The bait and bounce wouldn’t work with me either. I’d think the guy who walked off was not interested or lame.

http://lizburr.com Liz

I think the bait and bounce is rather lame. Just don’t say anything, keep it moving. Telling me I am beautiful will leave me thinking, “okay, and???” Not to be stank, but that’s really what would cross my mind.

panamajackson

Best: “You are absolutely beautiful” then he walked away.

It’s amazing how often this works. Nothing piques a chicks interest more than a man who just walks away after offering a complement. Hell, that’d be my first suggestion to any man who’s trying to meet some chick.

It’s a hell of a first impression and she’ll remember it and remember you — unless you look like a telephone.

Plus, it’s romantic on some “the notebook” type shit and chicks not only love the smiley face, they love “the notebook”. Gives them the idea that true love might be on the horizon. It makes hittin’ the skinz easier.

Now there have been some corny pick up lines that I thought were kinda cute like…

“Wow your smile made my day”

“If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)

If I followed you home, would you keep me? LOL

panamajackson

“Your titties will make fantastic pillows tonight.”

I actually really like that line. It’s the ultimate,’ I have nothing to lose, let’s see where this goes’ line.

panamajackson

“Your titties will make fantastic pillows tonight.”

I actually really like that line. It’s the ultimate,’ I have nothing to lose, let’s see where this goes’ line.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)”

did he say this with a straight face?

Nut

“If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)”

Ok, I just read this line and it made me smile. It’s cute.

Nut

“If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)”

Ok, I just read this line and it made me smile. It’s cute.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)”

did he say this with a straight face?

http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse

“Your titties will make fantastic pillows tonight.”

“Wassup T&A can I holla?”

Neither one of those guys received by number.

Now there have been some corny pick up lines that I thought were kinda cute like…

“Wow your smile made my day”

“If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)

If I followed you home, would you keep me? LOL

Miss Patterson

one more…@ the AUC circa 96, I was approached by a man who claimed to be an alien. yes, an alien folks. He said he was from the planet sun ra and offered to buy me some Popeye’s chicken…to wish i replied ‘yes’. (look- I was 5’3″ and 100 lbs and had a diet that consisted mainly of stolen food from the Morehouse cafeteria and ramen noodes, don’t ask) Halfway through my 2nd chicken leg he said “If you let me enter your vessel, I’ll take you back to my planet”…I eventually made it back home safe & sound, tummy full, with my vessel UNchartered.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Miss Patterson. An alien? See I probably would have fell for the dumb sh*t because I would have asked what planet!!!! Man, some guys are just creative.

@Miss Patterson. An alien? See I probably would have fell for the dumb sh*t because I would have asked what planet!!!! Man, some guys are just creative.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

i’m mad the alien came that far just for some popeyes. if i were from a different planet, waffle house would probably be the first place i’d eat.

then the zoo

http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

you and this damn zoo…ur just strange i tell ya.

http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

you and this damn zoo…ur just strange i tell ya.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

i’m mad the alien came that far just for some popeyes. if i were from a different planet, waffle house would probably be the first place i’d eat.

then the zoo

Nut

Miss Patterson stop playin’!!!! I got the same line except he offered a date that consisted of ‘ride and smoke’ (ridin’ marta at that). At least you got some chicken, dang. I didn’t fall for the going to his planet thing though. This has to be the same brother. Did he wear alot of brass and carried a cane?

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@ Nut. “Did he wear alot of brass and carried a cane?” Are you for real?

Nut

Not jokin at all @ Elenda. It wasn’t brass my bad it was copper. But yes, I can’t remember the dude’s name but he would tell you he was an alien. He wore alot of copper jewelry and pieces of copper in his hair and carried a stick with copper on it. He was a good lookin black man but crazy as all get out. Dr York. He had black people doin some crazy stuff. At one point they were wearing cowboy boots and hats. All true, ya can’t make something this good up.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Nut. LMAO.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@Nut. LMAO.

Miss Patterson

this might just me the same ‘alien’.

Nut

I think so @Miss Patterson; I think it was the same alien. He was soo good looking; beautiful eyes. I’m almost embarrassed to say that I talked to him for hours and I gave him my number. He never got the goods but he tried. Oh boy did he try. I met his girlfriend/wife a couple of months later. She was so pretty and nice. She said she thought that he was crazy too.

Nut

I think so @Miss Patterson; I think it was the same alien. He was soo good looking; beautiful eyes. I’m almost embarrassed to say that I talked to him for hours and I gave him my number. He never got the goods but he tried. Oh boy did he try. I met his girlfriend/wife a couple of months later. She was so pretty and nice. She said she thought that he was crazy too.

Miss Patterson

this might just me the same ‘alien’.

Nut

Not jokin at all @ Elenda. It wasn’t brass my bad it was copper. But yes, I can’t remember the dude’s name but he would tell you he was an alien. He wore alot of copper jewelry and pieces of copper in his hair and carried a stick with copper on it. He was a good lookin black man but crazy as all get out. Dr York. He had black people doin some crazy stuff. At one point they were wearing cowboy boots and hats. All true, ya can’t make something this good up.

http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

@ Nut. “Did he wear alot of brass and carried a cane?” Are you for real?

Nut

Miss Patterson stop playin’!!!! I got the same line except he offered a date that consisted of ‘ride and smoke’ (ridin’ marta at that). At least you got some chicken, dang. I didn’t fall for the going to his planet thing though. This has to be the same brother. Did he wear alot of brass and carried a cane?

Miss Patterson

one more…@ the AUC circa 96, I was approached by a man who claimed to be an alien. yes, an alien folks. He said he was from the planet sun ra and offered to buy me some Popeye’s chicken…to wish i replied ‘yes’. (look- I was 5’3″ and 100 lbs and had a diet that consisted mainly of stolen food from the Morehouse cafeteria and ramen noodes, don’t ask) Halfway through my 2nd chicken leg he said “If you let me enter your vessel, I’ll take you back to my planet”…I eventually made it back home safe & sound, tummy full, with my vessel UNchartered.