…is a long one but you learn a lot along the way.

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Anxious arguments and thoughts

Sometimes my anxiety puts me on edge. When I’m on edge sometimes I get a little snippy. Who wouldn’t when you’re freaking out and everyone else around you is perfectly calm and happy? It’s not intentional. And I’m sorry for it.

Sometimes my anxiety puts others on edge. Like when I’m up all night off and on and I happen to look at my phone for distraction so I don’t have to get out of bed and manage my panic attack.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough. Like I’m not living up to the standards others have set for me. Sorry I let my anxiety get the best of me today. I fight back every minute of every single day to live “normally”. Eventually, I’m bound to have a moment of weakness.

The truth is, I’m scared of 2016. 2016 is going to bring a lot of change for me. Change doesn’t always bode well for someone with anxiety. I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. I’m afraid I won’t meet up to expectations. I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up with the facade I put on. People may figure me out. Then again, people are so wrapped up in themselves who really pays attention? Most of all, I’m petrified of having a major panic attack due to all the change and stress.

Being diagnosed with anxiety isn’t a sentence for a horrible life. But like any other disorder or disability, you have to learn to live with it. You’ll have your ups and downs, good days and bad days. When I’m having a good day, I like to really enjoy it and live in the moment. On bad days, I like to remember the good days to give me the strength to get through. Having an invisible illness isn’t easy. There’s so much guidance out there about how to deal with anxiety but the truth is, at least for me: It never gets easier. Panic attacks still catch me off guard and feel like there is nothing worse that can happen to me right now. Until the next one happens. It’s the ultimate test of your strength.

Thanks for being an ear for me in 2015. Having an online diary isn’t easy for a reserved person to do, but it has helped me get these feelings off of my chest. Even if no one reads this, I feel a little less lonely while dealing with the struggles anxiety brings. Here’s to an easier 2016 for all of us…with less anxiety. 🙏