“Sir…your coffee” she smiles nervously at me, places hot coffee cup on the table and touches her glasses well pretending to adjust it. Why is she so uncomfortable around me? You treat her so nicely, so yeah. My subconscious mocked. Fine but still I am not a monster? Well, I don’t live in her mind and moreover not everybody can pretend e you do, my subconscious knows how to piss me off.

“Sir” her voice brings me back to earth.

“You can leave…” I dismiss her in not-so-soft tone. That was rude’ shut up! I shut subconscious.

So khushi is my assistant of 6 month, she is a the one who had basically stolen my sleeps. I don’t know, Why I dream about her? Maybe it’s love… my subconscious pokes its nose again. No it’s not love! I hate admitting the fact that she affects me so much. Her eyes, her perfectly curved body, her smile and her tears- basically everything about her is attractive.

You can’t pretend, you will realize one day, my inner voice poked in again before I could start my argument [basically] with myself, Aman walks in. in short, he saved me this time again, he deservesbonus for that.

Another tired day at the office, I yawn tiredly and sit on my leather chair. My eyes close, I was just going to sleep but soft knock on the door disturb me yet again. And I know it’s khushi. I roll my eyes before telling her to come in.

“Can I leave sir?” she asks, not looking in my eyes.

“WHY?” I ask, my voice rises a bit and I could visibly see her shiver a little.

“I..I…I…Office hours are over,” she trails off softly, looking at me through her eyelashes.

“So did I stop you,?” I mock her

“Sir, you said, I should tell you before leaving, yesterday,” so I just make a fool out of myself. I close my eyes, irritate.

“Fine, leave,” she nervously smiles at me before wishing “Goodbye sir,” and she leaves.

So do I.

.................................

As I get out of my own building, I see her standing under the shelter looking, ****y as hell. Well, it’s raining so she must be waiting for cab or auto. “Ask her to come with you” my inner voice shouts.

“No” I almost scream, I mean I have never asked a girl.

“So you want to leave her alone here” I bit my lip, so for the first time I agree with my inner voice. “fine” I groan.

“Khushi” she stumbles a little, probably surprised or maybe afraid.

“Sit” I point toward my car, I know I am being jerked but I can only do this much.

She concisely looks at me, shocked.

“SIT,” I say a bit louder and she shakes her head in no. Did she just say no to me? My jaws almost touch the ground, the first who I offer ride just said no. WAOW! My pride is injured.

“Fine, stay here in this rain. I don’t even care” she looks in my eyes, for the first time in whole DAMN day and I see hurt. Was I too harsh but then my ego is too big and as always I choose my pride?

I left her.

Driving back to home, I see its raining cats and dogs. I bit my lip, did I do wrong to leave her alone there? ‘yes, of course, you did’ my subconscious says ‘I didn’t ask you’ I scowl. I need peace and her hurtful eyes aren’t letting me concentrate on anything.

After having the debate with myself, I decide to go back. What a loser…my subconscious mocks and I roll my eyes.

As I come back, she was standing still, probably waiting for a cab.

“KHUSHI get in the car,” I say stopping my Porsche right in front of her. She stays still, to my irritation.

“Khushi…” I call her again, louder this time.

“I…I don’t want to come with you” my jaws tighten, she has been standing here for 20 minutes and still isn’t ready to come with me. Stubborn woman. I roll my eyes at her and she looks down at her feet.

I get out of my car, furious. I literally swallowed my pride for her and she doesn’t even give a flying ****. ‘Language ASR’ I hear my subconscious and reply ‘shut up’

I am really angry.

“Get in the car,” I say sternly pointing toward passenger door but she doesn't budge.

“So who asked you to stop here? You can go to your home, People should not do things they don’t like” she says calmly.

“who says I don’t like it?”

“YOU just said, you don’t care” my tongue tied. She is right. I can gracefully go to my home but why am I here? Why do I care?

“It's not the time to fight, get in the car,” I say coolly, even though I am burning from inside.

“I AM not fighting you, sir, I am just saying that I don’t want to come with you” her calmness is killing me. Why is she so complex, always?

“Khushi…I am not fighting either. Get in the…” but she cut me off.

“I can’t take a favor from a man who doesn’t respect me” I stand there dumbfounded.

“When did I disrespect you?” I suddenly want to know what’s in her mind.

“If you don’t remember then I can’t help sir. Maybe your mother didn’t teach you how to respect women” that’s it I lost my cool at the mention of my mom. How dare she raise a finger on my mother?

“my mother died when I was 11” I grit my teeth. I see her eyes widening but then she is expressionless.

“While mine died when I was 8 and I still remember her every single advice. I know sir you own this whole damn place but that doesn’t mean you can treat people like S*it and hurt their feelings and then if someone point finger on you, you are suddenly hurt. DON’T you think people have emotions too? You surely don’t remember the very first day of my job, do you?” ok now that hits me hard. I remember how I insult her in front of whole office and let her fell down from my office and her glasses had broken into pieces and it wasn’t so pleasing to me either but well damage was done by me, right?

“I AM sorry” the words slip out of my mouth before I can even stop them. Her face showing shock and astonishment. Off-course I have never said sorry to anyone after my mother’s death.

“I didn’t mean to sound rude and definitely not about your mother,” I stay silent for a few seconds.

“Its ok” there was silence after that. Awkward!

I hate awkwardness between us so thought to cut thick silence between.

“Are you ready for Diwali?” I ask he, referring to our success party that is supposed to be on Diwali.

“Yes sir, almost all the preparation are done. …” she starts explaining

Soon we are in front of her house and she looks at me gratefully.

“Please come in sir,” she says and I without thinking follow. Who will let this chance of having coffee with someone like Khushi, to go waste?

The door bell rings and a lady in her late 40s opens the door with apron dropped around her waist. She has sharp, beautiful features with a bright smile that matches with Khushi. Her eyes are dark brown. Her jawline, lips and forehead just like her [khushi].

“Khushi, OMG my daughter. I was so worried” I furrow my brows. She said her mother is dead.

Just in a minute, her attention was on me. She looks at me and then Khushi.

“Come in” she grabs my arm and Khushi's hand and pull us in the house, closes the door behind.

“I am making vegetable soup …” she blabber so much and makes us sit together like we are a couple. As if you’re not enjoying? My subconscious speak again. I thought, you were a sleep” I most at it and roll my eyes.

“I will bring coffee for you, sir,” she says but was stopped by her energetic aunt “”Khushi sit down babe, you look tired. Let me bring coffee. You chat with our guest. I will be back in a minute,” I for the first time see Khushi rolling her eyes at her aunt as she leaves winking.

“You’re lucky,” I tell her remembering my troubled home.

“I am not,” she says smiling and I frown “I am blessed” kKhushi and her ways of thinking.

“My aunt is a little crazy” she chuckles “But very loving.”

“Did you call me loving?” her aunt pops in with a tray containing 3 coffee cups and snacks.

“Oh no it just slipped out of my tongue. It wasn’t for you, it was for uncle Aarav” I see her eyes widening. And I sit there amuse, seeing playful and naughty side of my girl. Your girl? My subconscious pokes in, shut up’ I say.

“I think Arnav is hungry” aunt Nida shoots me a smile.

“Yes,” I say feeling rats having a war in my stomach.

“Khushi can you set the table?” she says smiling, forgetting about their little fight.

Khushi smiles and leaves.

“So, what’s up?” she raise an eyebrow

“Excuse me,” I say surprised at her sudden question.

“Well I am not as naïve as my khushi is. So tell me do you like khushi?” if it was someone else, I would have lashed for trying to interfere in my matter but then he friendly smile and sincere tone melt my heart. Ok she is so like khushi, ideally.

“uhh, Yes,” I say not looking up at her.

“I knew it, I knew it” she grins like a teenager but it suits her so well.

“I…I-”

“Don't be shy,” she gives me a smirk. I take a deep breath and say, “I don’t know if she likes me or not” I pursue my lip and continue after few seconds “I mean, I have a short temper and I am no good and she is very soft and you know calm all the time, never getting angry” I wet my lips with my tongue.

“Oh you know, sometimes, wait can be dangerous.” I frown as she continues “Her father, my husband, is thinking about her marriage and we have seen some very good guys. I know I am being selfish here” she sighs “But she has to get married, it’s important, either with you or someone else” she was serious and I felt a painful knot in my stomach. I don't have time?

“Don’t worry” she puts her hand on my shoulder “You still have time.”

“How much?” my voice barely audible but thankfully she hears it.

“Till Diwali” that is in 2 weeks, I sigh, at LEAST I get to know this before it was too late, thank Lord. ‘Someone is being grateful’ my subconscious tell and I laugh inside, my eyes are still on my shoes. I am lost at words while her aunt is telling me about how they are so ready for her ‘marriage’ and blah, blah.

“Dinner, here” we here khushi’s voice and her aunt shoot me her oh-so-energetic smile and I follow her.

Dinner wasn’t quiet or awkward thank to her aunt who kept me busy with her chatter and inquiries. I saw Khushi chuckling and even laughing at her aunt's jokes. It was a beautiful sight!

Right now, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark, I find myself lost.

What am I suppose to say? It’s already proven that she is too good for me but a selfish **** want nothing but his own benefits. She is latterly my life, I discovered it the day I though she was dead and I had cried holding her bangles. It was stupid but I realized that she owns me!

I doze off, my head is mess up.

“Sir your coffee” I hear khushi’s voice, she has brought coffee just like everyday but today is different. I stare at her face for extra few seconds.

“Is there anything you want sir?” she asks when I don’t respond to her…whatever she was talk in about work schedule.

OS NK saved the day? (By Farakhan) (Thanked: 23 times)

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“Hey man, what's up?!?” I jumped from my seat hearing shilling voice if my cousin brother, NK. “When did you come?” I tried to mask my irritation as much as I could but I couldn't stop my lips from pouting.

“In the morning when you were with your wife and in laws.” I furrowed my brows.

“what do you mean?” I asked rather harshly. There I was trying to find some ways to propose my girl and there stood the most irritating man I have seen in my life. But he would soon become life saver. I would thank him all my life for that.

P.S. I still hated him for being so clingy.

“You office, I thought you knew about this old joke but you are rather dumb. Nannav.”

“Don't call me that!” but as always it went to deaf man who would never understand how much I hated this name.

“Where were you lost Romeo?” he nudged me and i glared at him. It didn't intimidated him though.

“Will you let me work? Get out!”

“You were working Romeo, come on tell me where we're you lost?” I stayed silent thinking he would lease but no. The guy was crazy. “OMG!!! Arnav did you get Lavanya pregnant and now you are thinking of eloping with her? Are you leaving your family behind?” I stared at his face dumbfounded. His face held fake expression of shock+sadness. Before I could speak he continued. “You sister....oh your sister! She loved you so much. Oh your grandmother, always cooked kheer for you! Are you leaving them all for a girl, nannav?”

“Not that name NK!” I gritted my teeth.

“Are you really leaving, nannav?” i roll my eyes.

“Shut up! I am not. Stop making false hypothesis.”

“Then, what were you thinking about? You know, men think too much only for two reasons: either they Are going to commit suicide or they are thinking about a girl. A pretty one, if I add!”

“And how would you know, what I am thinking about?” he got up from recliner where he had climbed like a monkey and stood in front of me with his hands in the air in front if my face and his face held expression of thinking too deeply. I stared at his face rather curiously. Truth to be told, I was kinda fascinated. But i would never admit that in front of him.

He stood like that for few seconds then he moved his fingers in front of my eyes, his face holding the same expression, he moved his fingers like spider’s legs. Up and down, I followed their movements, “Tell me what you don't tell anyone! Who is she?” I rolled my eyes, he thought he could hypnotize me and it made me laugh. I started laughing.

“What do you think you are doing?” I said laughing.

“Okay,” he began sheepishly, “Tell me, who is she?”

I wet my lips. My laughter died down.

“Tell me, tell me!” he jumped beside me. I was battling with myself. if I should tell him or not.

“Khushi…” I say choosing to trust him because that's all I could do.

“Oh the hot sister of Payal?” I glared at him, “Oops sorry. But she is hot.”

“Get out!” I barked at him and he became serious.

“What about bhabhi? I am accepting her as my sister in law, now you can trust me.” I bite my lower lip.

“I am interested in her,” I trailed off softly.

“Did you say what I hear?” his eyes widened and his mouth opened in perfect O shape. I had an urge to throw a punch but decided otherwise.

“You broke my heart!” he pretended to have a heart attack by cupping his chest and making a painful expression. I rolled my eyes tenth time now. Drama king.

“NK leave-”

“-so you want to seduce khushi?” he raised his eyebrows and I bite my lip. My dirty mind played its own games. I nodded my head.

“Why?” he asked seriously.

“I like her,” I shrugged my shoulder.

“Just like her?”

“Okay,” I look at him, “I kinda love her.”

“And she?”

“I don't know about her.”

“And you were thinking of the ways to discover if she like you or not?” i nodded my head. He smacked my shoulder and I raised my eyebrow.

“I think you shouldn't worry your pea size brain and leave me alone!” I threw insult at him but he seemed to care less about it. He suddenly jumped up.

“You know any girl, I mean any?”

“I do, Lavanya is my friend,” I said as a matter of fact.

“Great!” he cheered, “She will help us.”

”How?”

“She….” there went his so called plan to use Lavanya to jealous khushi.

“Mind you, Lavanya is my ex!”

“How can you be friend with your ex?”

“That's why they call my ASR.” I say proudly.

“Ask her to do so!”

“No!”

“Why not!?”

“You want me to hurt her?...She loved me...You know,” I trailed off.

“Oh ****!”

We both sat in silence and a light build just lit up in my conscious. I grabbed his shoulder and told him What was my plan.

“NO! NO! NO!”

“Yes, yes and yes!” I tell him smirking.

“No man you want me to become a woman for you?” he yelled at me .

“Yep!”

“No way I am doing that.”

“NK, you have to! You said you will help.”

“Alright” I looked at him rather unsure as he said that, “It will be fun!” he grinned like an idiot. I shook my head.

Khushi was busy dancing with her friends as we walked into the hall with NK behind me. He was wearing my sister's sari and to be honest looking exactly like a girl… a beautiful one if I might add.

Khushi turned around laughing and her laughter came to a halt seeing a woman beside me. I saw her from the corner of my eyes. NK’s back was facing her. She furrowed her brows as she found me smiling at NK.

I moved my lips without making a sound pretending to have a conversation with the girl aka NK.

She turned her back to me and I sigh in disappointment. “She doesn't care.” I mutter seeing her dancing again.

“I believe she is acting!”

“How would you know that?”

“Girls do that all the time pretending that they don't care but deep inside they do.” he whispered back stealing glances from khushi’s direction.

She turned around again only to find me and NK sitting on the table where snacks were to be served to guests in few minutes. I see her from the corner of my eyes and smirk. I picked a piece of pakora and offered that to NK. Who started munching it, “C'mon man, feed me more. This thing tastes like heaven.” I rolled my eyes and laughed because khushi was watching.

After about ten minutes, I saw her approaching me.

“She is coming,” I whispered and NK became more cozy and I wondered had he taken acting classes maybe? Because a hard girl like khushi could not hide her jealousy but wow he was acting great.

“Hi…” she ignored me and greeted NK. I knew that was coming. “Who are you? I don't seem to know you…”

“She is my friend, stop your investigation. This is my house.” she narrowed her eyes and looked at me suspiciously. I raised my eyebrow.

“You don't have a single friend who is girl other than Lavanya.” she articulated putting her hands on her waist.

“Did I ever tell you that?” I asked smugly.

“No…”

“Then how would you know that?”

“Di told me- whatever.” she turned around and was about to leave but i followed her, grabbed her arm and turned her around to face me.

“You want answers?” I nodded my head in yes and she started removing the distance between us until our lips were touching. She placed her lips on mine and we kissed for 2 long minutes. NK shamelessly stared at us and off course he recorded it. Khushi broke the kiss, held my collars and pulled me closer. “Tell this girl you are mine!”

I stared at her amused. “Why should I? She likes me!”

“Tell her you don't like her…” she spoke irritated.

“But It would break her heart and why does it matter to you anyway?”

“You know the answer.” she gritted her teeth.

“I don't.” I shrugged. Even though I was melting in this close proximity but i didn't show or at least tried not to.

She started caressing my lower lip where there was still taste of her Silva. “I, Khushi Fùcking Gupta, love, Arnav ****ing Raizada.” I stared at her breathless. This was the girl I feel in love with. Who took shít from no one and who did what she wanted to...And I fell in love with her confession too. She put her hands around my neck and pulled me even closer, “Tell this girl to leave before I break your sèxy face Arnav.” I smirked.

Did she just call me ****y?

“I love you…” I told her and NK who was grinning ear to ear, jumped up just when we both were going to kiss again.

“Yayyyyyyyyyy…” khushi’s eyes widened seeing a man in sari.

“What the hell?” she exclaimed shocked and amused. I was embarrassed to be honest. I closed my eyes. “You couldn't find a girl to make me jealous?”

“Oh we found one but the sensitive Arnav Singh Raizada didn't want to hurt a girl.” NK butt in for my rescue.

Khushi turned to face me and a grin broke on her face and I released the long breath I was holding. “Oh Arnav...you are so cute!” she pinched my cheek, laughing. I blushed.

#3 OS SENSE (By Farakhan) (Thanked: 10 times)

From the distance I look at her as she smiles at someone. Wearing green sari and pink lipstick, she looks equisitic.

I walk closer to her. She looks at me with a smile. I sigh.

I hold her hand and kiss it, “Can I have the honor to dance with you?” I ask her and she smiles enthusiastically and nods.

“When you hold me

When you hold me in your arms

When you hold me

I can feel my heart racing…”

Tom Peter Odell- her favourite singer sings in the background as I drag her softly to the dance floor.

“You look beautiful,” I beam at her proudly and she blushes.

“Stop making me flush…” she says nervously.

I put my hand on the small of her back, I hold her hand in my other hand and we danced not so perfectly.

“Shall I tell you something that I never told anyone before.” I look in her eyes, my heart racing faster as she looks deep in my eyes and nods.

“Hmm” she hummed.

“I don't know, I'm scared.”

“That doesn't suit you, if I dare to say.”

“NK told me there are more than 1000 ways to confess.”

“Depends on what kinda confess you wanna make.”

“Love.” I trail off.

“To whom?”

“To a crazy woman,” I say, “Who I met on 25th March, 2011 at 12:30 p.m....in a rush and who happened to be the only woman to dare me….who loves bright colors, small kids, food, flowers, her shoes, in short she is in love with everything. She is in love with the fruity smell of her shampoo, in love with old pages of her mother's diary, in love with the Payal laced around her foot; in love with the stars hanging above her bed; in love with a poster of 50 year old man; in love with small artistic Persian rug her mother left her, in love with the ancient walls of temple; in love with her weirdly creative costumes and she is in love with art without realizing that she herself is a piece of art...a precious one if I might add.” khushi seems amazed and

looks at me without blinking.

“Who is she?” she asks me deliberately.

“You! Only you can see the good in worst and [since I'm I believe the worst man alive] I beg you to be my alley.” she looks at me with all the mixed emotions. I gulp the lump formed in my throat, scared that she may reject me.

“Arnav…” she cries wiping her tears, “I hate you for ruining my mascara.” I let out my breath and chuckle. Women are weirdly beautiful.

We both moving with the music not really caring about what's going on around us.

“I love you…” three magical words leave my mouth and I feel like how Alexander the great would have felt if he had lived enough to conquered the world.

Not exaggerating!

“Arnav...I told you stop making me flush.” she says laughing with mixed emotions.

“Can we...can we forget the past and move on?” I plead her softly, genuinely. “Or maybe you could just forgive me for being a prick.”

“You aren't a prick, you just act like prick.” she chuckles. All these soft gestures are getting me nowhere but they are turning me on.

“Am I forgiven?” I ask hopefully.

“You are!”

“You gotta be kidding me! After all the **** I've done you are letting it all go? Khushi you can't be real!” I exclaim, surprised and taken aback. I was expecting her to accuse me or at least question my authenticity. But she just forgive me after all the mess I created.

“I'm real and why cry over spilt milk? You're guilty and that's enough.” she says trying to make me understand.

“Will you...will...uhh.” I stop moving and now take her both hands in mine, “Will you be my bride? I mean will you mar-” the chains of my perfect day-dreaming is broken by my fiance Lavanya.

“ASR, Di is calling us!”

It was all a perfect made up dream that was watched by me with open eyes and broken heart and ego. I stare at Khushi’s silent figure standing in the far corner trying to not to be noticed probably because she is crying.

After our almost complete kiss and after Aman’s interruption, I accused her for something she never did. She never seduced me! It was I who was after her… well I was a complete jerk like always and she ended up crying because of my words which were partially laced with frustration of being out of control and partially of envy that she coukd control me without a single word spoken.

I sigh.

Would my life ever make sense?

“Hard to know, maybe if I'd skim the stone,

Walk a different way back home, it would all make sense.

Or shut my eyes, could lose myself in teenage lies.

If I fell in love a thousand times, would it all make sense?” ~~~Tom Peter Odell [sense]

I start walking with Lavanya to where my sister was and she started introducing me and Lavanya with God knows who.

I look at her from the corner of my eyes and found her lost. My attention is diverted by my sister’s nagging about wedding plans.

After like five minutes or more I return to my work that is staring at Khushi. Green flame of jealousy burns my heart seeing her laughing with my cousin brother NK. Why is she so happy with him?

‘Because you are a stupid person and he is sober.’ invisible Arnav within me, whom I chose to ignore most of the time, speaks up.

‘Shut up,’ I grit my teeth.

“You are stupid, stupid enough to think that you deserve khushi or anything worthwhile in this world. I'm not saying you are bad or something but you have become egoistic b astard who cares only about his ego and so called shallow pride...Khushi is better off without a prick like you…’

That's something that hits me hard. I've become a bad guy in my own eyes and I know i can't forgive myself for hurting khushi. I beautiful angel whose presence brought happiness, whose smile is so contiguous that it spreads like very strong perfume. And I lost it all.

Diary,

Entry: September 11, 2012.

Standing there, I wondered if I should go upto her and apology or should i just act normal with her? But i could do nothing.. I tried to approach her but it was like those horrible dreams where you lose your ability to speak and move. I was paralysed.

I just stared at her. And I realize how stupid I was to think that there could ever be anything between her and I.

She would find someone better than me, she will be loved and cared. And I would make sure about that.

But the painful truth is that, I would never be good enough for her.

Throns, if stayed with roses, would piece them brutally leaving them broken and tattered. They have to stay away and protect roses from themselves and the world…

I would do the same: protect her.

“Could call you up and I could tell you just how much,

No no, maybe I'll just get drunk and it will all make sense.

Or if I weren't so nice, I'd convince my friends that you weren't right

I could promise you my heart don't cry, but would it all make sense?

Cause I, I've been feeling pretty small,

Sometimes feel like I'm slipping down walls

And every line I ever get a hold it seems to break.”

I think I like Tom Peter Odell, he seems as sad and lonely as I'm now. No wonder khushi loves him…

He speaks the words I cannot say myself...he confess my part of insecurities, pain, anger and love…

He says he is miserable, tell him he is not the only one, I'm miserable too.

“She would find someone better than me, she will be loved and cared. And I would make sure about that.” anger shoot through my body. Oh how I hate men! If only I could hate him too but the more I say I hate him, the more I seem to fall in my own trap. It's wrong. I'm not letting him hurt me like this. He can't just come in my life, make me dream about future and make me fall head over heel in love with himself and then all of a sudden leave. Like leave! Forever. Oh dear me! How much do I still have to suffer in the hands of the people I love?

Shamaa ko pighalane kaa armaan kyun hai

Patangeko jalane kaa armaan kyun hai

Esi shauk kaa imtihaan zindagi hai

Esi shauk kaa imtihaan zindagi hai

Yes, I've broke in his room after Diwali because I couldn't convince myself to leave without getting answers. Anjali ji convinced me to stay tonight because they would miss me and it was late at night and not safe for me to go home. I thought he would be in his room. Just to have some courage, I have drink some alcohol which Lavanya offered. This is how hero in movies get courage to face difficulties.

Upon entering his room, I found it dark and silent, it's 12 AM, he has to be in his room. I scanned the room and just when I was about to leave, disappointed, I see something laying on the coffee-table. Out of curiosity, I, with shaking hands, took the ‘thing’ (which I later discovered was a diary) in my hands and examined it. Bound in leather it seemed to me library edition of book but it was a diary! Diary of the most reserved man on earth!

Even if a part of me was telling me to leave the diary here and go back, I chose to ignore it and follow the devilish khushi who was ready to spy, perhaps effect of alcohol!

How I wish I had read it before. He is like an ocean, deep and messed up. So much to reveal and so little courage. He has no idea who he is to me and he is dillusional enough to think that I AM okay with his engagement and I'm OKAY with mine too! I would beat him up for being that way but i feel pure sympathy knowing how he suffered in past and how is suffering and will surely suffer in future.

It's true that I'm engaged and it's true that I'm in love not with my fiance and yes it's true that I had my ego and pride to take care of and yes I also accept my own ignorance on this matter. I never thought why he was cold, mean and heartless. My curious self has left me when it was about him. I'm ashamed to admit that I though he didn't care about me until tonight when his eyes were digging holes in my soul. His warm and constant stare felt protective. I strangely felt good. It has to be something, you can't be bothered and affected by a man’s stare as much as I did if there is nothing in between. In between us is love and we both have been running away from each other.

Tose naina laage piya savren

Nahi bas mein ab ye jiya savren

He has his insecurities and I have equal share of mine.

Life is funny, especially mine. I want to please people who will probably forget me in coming years like Raizada family, they love me and all but once I will leave this safe heaven, they will get along with life and forget me. And I really ignore the people who mean something to me, take for instant, Arnav, I love him and all but i wouldn't be bothered to see behind the mask like I do with utter strangers. And my babu ji, I have spent 10 year or more with him but i still can't understand weather I should marry Shyam ji or not? Weather babu ji wanted this marriage or not? I cant understand him because he cant speak and it makes me guilty. For being ignorant of basic facts in my life.

Now when I read his entry in journal, I feel like ****. He didn't deserve this no matter how bad he has been in the past, my love for him will never decrease just because of his so-called capricious nature. And just because he think I'm better off without him, doesn't mean I'm. I need him as much as he needs me.

Tose naina laage mili roshani

Tose man jo laagaa mili zindagi

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm jealous of Lavanya but that doesn't mean I don't love her but it means that i love him more than her.

I love him more than I have loved anyone…

But still I failed to understand him…but still failed to realize my feelings until today when i read his diary. What if I hadn't read it? I choose to ignore this...

My eyes travel down to read the last few lines: “But the painful truth is that, I would never be good enough for-”

“Who is there?” I stood up startled at his sudden appearance. Yes, it's Arnav. I sigh, time to face him.

He seems as shocked as I am but i recover so does he but his eyes won't leave diary in my hands and I don't abandon it either.

“What are you doing here?” he asked frowning, glancing up at me and then down at the diary in my hands. Even though I'm a bit drunk, I can still understand his body language.

“Where were you?”

“No you answer me first!” he stands far away from me as if he is scared of me or I may as well eat him alive. Oh how I want him closer than my own breaths. My dear love…

“I came here to talk to you but guess what? I met you, the real one…” he looks in my eyes, opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. Poor thing! I could feel he was nervous and really sad just like I but alcohol is still in my system I don't feel sadness or nervousness as much as a normal person would have.

“Leave!” he says suddenly, angry.

“What if I don't?” I fold my arms on my chest, the diary still in my hands and I feel confident. I really do, probably because guilt and shame act as internal motivation today and they are stronger than I have felt before.

“Khushi! DONT complicate things for me…” that it, I lose my temper like really lose it. At this moment I want to beat him to sense. How dare he say it's just about him?

“You mean us?” I grit my teeth, a part of my brain telling me to calm down, anger can wait but this night won't come again. It can either make us or break us and I don't want to break down.

“You shouldn't have read my diary khushi…”

“Why not? Haq hai ye humara! (Its my right!)” I say walking near him, “It's my wedding in two weeks and I will no longer be khushi Gupta and you won't be able to see me again and you won't be able to guard my happiness-”

“-I will! I promise I will!” he cuts me a off and I shook my head.

“Your money and power can't ensure my happiness and let me finish what I started first. DONT interrupt. And you will be stranger to me and I would and should think it to be a crime if I ever caught myself thinking of you. Are you okay with that? Swear on my head you won't lie.” I see him sigh uncomfortably. I Don really care about that today. We have to be uncomfortable to get somewhere. Or we would end up nowhere.

“Khushi-’”

“-Don't lie or I shall never forgive you and live in misery all my life.” the moment words leave my mouth I see shock, realization and warmness passing through his eyes one by one. And I know he won't lie and I shall trust him for whatever he say.

“I-”

“You can trust me you know.”

“I-” he starts, “I am scared...I will hurt you.”

“No, you won't, I trust you.”

“No-”

“Arnav ji, I do and you have to trust me.”

“I've been abandoned before I was loved, I'm still trying to figure myself out and then there you are...I just...****...you are so beautiful like the sun at dawn. It hurts my eyes to look at you and realize you are sad because of me and now I've figured I'm no good to you and you shouldn't be related to me.”

“We can try-”

“Khushi no!”

“I love you Arnav why don't you understand?” I say dejectedly. Here goes my confession while I'm drunk and crying, perfect! But It hurts to keep it inside now. I cant stand it anymore.

I didn't see how his face changed its colours or whatever, I was too overwhelmed to do that. I continued lost in my own world, “They would marry me off to Shyam and I don't even like him. Oh poor me! I would live a loveless life…” I feel air is turned in to melancholy that I breath in and out. Cause i feel nothing but sadness.

“Khushi…” I feel his hands on my upper arms, “Are you okay?”

“No...I am not!” I broke down crying. “But it should not bother you,” I unclasp his hands from my shoulders. “For I will marry Shyam jha and live-” I would continue if Arnav hadn't interrupted.

“What did you say? Whats his name?” he clench my shoulders not so tightly as he used to.

“Shyam jha,” I repeat dumbly. Suddenly feeling him go stern. I rush to explain, “He lives in bua ji’s house as paying guest and is really nice. Poor soul is orphan and my bua ji thinks he is perfect match for me for he is bachelor and-” he cuts me off by dragging me toward his cupboard. He opens it rather aggressively, and pulls out stuff clumsily until he found something I don't know. I blink twice. He shows me a thin layer of film, it is actually a photo.

“Is he?” I stare at the photo and my eyes widened.

“Yes! Yes! He is...it's him…”

“You are drunk khushi?”

“Hmm..” I nod my head, “We celebrated your relationship success.” I say sadly. I want to leave now and cry in my bed.. I forget that he knows about my fiance probably because Shyam ji is the last man I would think about...

I turn around to leave but he holds me back.

“Don't leave!” he cups my face and brings his lips closer to mine.

“But...you-” I cry and he wipes my tears. “I'm so sorry!” I sob.

“Why are you sorry, khushi it's not even your fault!” he says wiping my tears away, I can feel his warm breath on my skin.

“I couldn't understand you nor could I understand my babu ji. Oh how he loved me and how I .can't still understand what his eyes tell me. And you, I should have known there was something wrong and...:” I sniffle.

“Its not your job to read others eyes.”

“But-”

“-No khushi! You are the most considerate woman I have known. Khushi just know that you aren't to be blamed for anything. Mine and your father’s past and present is ours and you're nowhere to blamed. Stop being so brutal to yourself. Look at me love, I admire you like a lover because I'm one.” I look up in his eyes and I hear him say, “I love you...but these three words can't justify my love for you. It's deep as ocean and wide as skies. I love you more than I love breathing.”

I felt so overwhelmed. All the intangible thoughts from past to present to our imaginary future glid into each other forming a fog in my head making me feel dizzy and I pass out.

Perhaps that was the most beautiful day of my life. I shall never forget.

Mohabbat jise baksh de zindagaani

Nahi maut par khatm usaki kahani.

........

Special dedication to Noordina my friend. Eid Mubarak to you and everyone celebrating. Take it as eidy from me :)

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