Sunday, February 25, 2007

Report to the Commander

We had a little security breach here in the Holmes household this weekend. I suppose I could just tell you what happened, but to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty shaken up about it. With that in mind, I feel that it would be easier for me to talk about it and that you would more fully understand the complexities of this disturbing event if I re-imagined the whole thing as if it took place on the Battlestar Galactica. And I mean the new one with Edward James Olmos, not the goofy-ass old one. This promises to be dorky, but trust me when I say it's necessary. So without further ado:

Commander, a word please? Yes Holmes, what is it?

Sir, I'm sorry to report that there's been a serious security breach aboard the Galactica.

I see. What happened? Well sir, it appears that a prisoner has escaped.Dear Gods, which one?My dog, sir. Your dog, Holmes? Yes sir.I see. And how did he escape?Well sir, it would appear that he was released by an outside agent.You mean he was let out?Yes sir. Someone let my dog out of his kennel.I see. So who was it?Who sir?Yes, who let the dog out?Who let the dog out sir?That's what I said, who let the dog out?Of course sir. Well it was my son, sir.Your son? But why?They're close, sir. Best friends, you might say.Are they in collusion with the Cylons?What? No! Of course not. It's a baby and a stupid dog.I see. And how was this escape executed?Nothing fancy sir. The baby just crawled right up, opened the dog's kennel, and let him out.That's pretty cute.Sir?I mean, uh, so you saw this happen?My wife and I both did, sir.How's your wife holding up?What?She's fine sir.I'm frakkin' great! Good. Any idea where the dog or the baby are now? Aroo? Turning yourself in eh? Wise move. And your accomplice? Ya got nothin' old man! Holmes, why are you wasting my time with this? I'm sure that's the question on everyone's mind, sir. No shit!