ta-da!

these are gloriously stoopid times

Welcome to the heyday of stoopid. Percipience is at historic lows, while boneheadedness is in full, fragrant bloom. Here, in America, we’re operating at a ‘check-for-a-heartbeat, there’s-no-brain-activity’ level of stoopid. It’s awesome.

Rather than an organic deficiency, our ignorance has its roots in willfulness. We’re zealous in our absolute refusal to think. Or explore. Or accept facts contrary to our own opinions. Now, I’m no fan of persuasion — factual or otherwise. I’m deeply skeptical of everything and everyone; I take nothing at face value.

You see, from birth onward, we’re browbeaten by pushy, officious types trying to teach us a lesson or two. To hustle us along the path to a thoughtful, enlightened, well-mannered existence. Everyone from babysitters to teachers to bosses tries to influence our intellectual development. Well, ha, we showed them. Butt out, right? They held no sway in our power centers, also known as our brains.We very successfully resisted their efforts to educate us.

7% think chocolate milk comes from brown cows.
8% believe Elvis is still alive.
25% don’t know the earth orbits the sun.
58% of Republicans say colleges and universities have a negative impact on the U.S.
66% can’t name the three branches of government.
80% support the mandatory labeling of food containing, get this, DNA.

Yay, us!

So, here in closing, I’d like to assure you the President of these United States applauds our steep intellectual decay. In his very own words, which are the best, most tremendous words ever in the history of words: