Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Graduation Day

How to have a successful graduation day in 78 easy steps (if you're Native Minnow):

1. Email your parents the night before with directions to your house2. Call them to make sure they got the email and printed it up3. Make sure you don't proofread your directions before sending them though so that there are at least two mistakes that cause them some confusion when they eventually arrive4. Wake up the day of your graduation ceremony and run a few errands5. Realize about lunch time that you don't have anything to fix your kids to eat6. Debate whether you should call your parents who should be arriving any time to find out where they are7. Opt not to call them, figuring you can run to the store quickly8. Leave your kids upstairs in your room playing X-box9. Tell your kids to listen closely for the door, just in case your parents arrive10. Go to the store11. Get a phone call from your dad as soon as you start filling your basket12. When your dad tells you he's at your house, explain to him why you're not and apologize13. Pay for your groceries and hurry home14. See your parents sitting in their car in front of your house because your kids did not, in fact, listen closely for the door15. Apologize to your parents again, this time for having retarded children16. Call your kids downstairs to say hi to Grandma and Grandpa, but not without making a comment about how they left them out front for several minutes17. Do NOT accept any responsibility yourself, even though it really is your fault for going to the store in the first place without calling your parents first18. Fix lunch for your kids19. Change into nice clothes20. Wait for your ex-wife to show up21. Head to campus for the ceremony22. Meet your adviser and walk to the sports arena where the ceremony will be held23. Go all the way around the arena to the door you were told to go in24. Be told that door is not the right door, and that you need to go in through the tunnel, which is on the other end of the building25. Go back around the building and in through the tunnel26. Enter the tunnel27. Immediately smell horse piss and manure28. Curse the rodeo that was just in town29. Line up according to degree30. Wait around for an hour 31. Get a little excited when they say it's time to go32. Walk out of the tunnel to the applause of the thousands who are in attendance33. Glance around and take it all in with a big smile on your face34. Spot your family in the crowd and wave to them35. Follow the directions of the ushers to your seat36. Realize how bad it's going to suck being sandwiched between two guys with seats that close together37. Look at the seat in front of you and see the professor someone tried to set you up with once upon a time38. Avoid making eye contact with that woman for the remaining three hours39. Take your seat40. Curse the rodeo again for making the entire arena smell like piss and manure41. Listen to several speeches prior to being called up to the stage42. Walk to the stage and feel relief when they pronounce your name correctly43. Walk across the stage44. Get hooded45. Shake the Vice President's hand46. Shake your adviser's hand47. Walk across the stage and shake the university president's hand48. Walk down the stairs and go back to your seat49. Be glad you were the fifth person to go50. Painfully endure the remaining 2000 or so names that are called51. Sometime during that time, get a text from Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend about how handsome you looked in full regalia on the jumbotron52. Thank her, and then profusely apologize for making her come an hour or so later when you're still enduring the remaining names53. Wonder why they couldn't have broken it up into a few different ceremonies54. Also wonder again why they couldn't have cleaned out the smell of piss and manure55. Listen to the guy behind you complain loudly and often about how long this is taking56. Wish he'd shut up because it's not funny, it's only making you focus on how effing long you've been sitting there, and how much longer you have to sit there57. Rejoice when you realize that they're almost done (after a mere three hours)58. Exit the building59. Miss two calls from your dad about where to meet up60. Call him back only to find that he's not answering his phone now61. Call Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend to find out where she's at62. Talk your way to her in the crowd63. Get a kiss and flowers from her64. Spot your parents, kids, and ex-wife over her shoulder65. Remember that you didn't give Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend fair warning that your ex-wife was going to be there66. Take her over to meet your parents and ex-wife anyway67. Pretend the whole situation isn't awkward at all68. Decide then on where to go for dinner, because you never made a reservation anywhere69. Call the restaurant on the way there to see if they can accommodate a party of eight on graduation night70. Feel relief when they say they can71. Enjoy a great meal 72. Order two desserts for everyone to share because you're sure they'll all partake73. Eat most of the desserts yourself because everyone else, including your kids, are "too full" to even take one bite74. Say goodbye to Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend75. Ride with your parents to get them checked into their hotel room76. Convince your ex-wife that it's not a good idea to make the five hour drive home beginning at 10:30 p.m.77. Go to bed with your kids and ex-wife on the couch78. Fall asleep content with the way the day went down

Kmwthay, Starlight is definitely one of my favorites. They played that and the whole crowd went wild. And the ceremony was way too long. I forgot to mention a few things, like the fact that they were playing Bon Jovi as we lined up in the tunnel and guests were arriving. Lame.

Boxer, yeah, she went to dinner with us. It was nice after the initial awkwardness of meeting the parents and the ex.

One more thing, number 77 sounds like I was sleeping with them. I wasn't. I was upstairs in my cozy bed. They were spread out on various couches in the living room.

Also, I took a picture of the tree, but can't send it until I get to the office tomorrow. It seems that I've lost my USB connector to my camera, so I have to wait until I'm at a computer with a card reader.

Lol I'm glad you are officially done!! I wish I could've been there, but circumstances wouldn't allow it :( But like Amber said, thanks for the play by play it really does help you feel like you were there! :) I'm proud of you!!

I've never read a 78 Point Blog Post before. Magnas and Summas went first at my Graduation so I didn't have to endure watching the dumb and/or lazy kids graduate. Which included my girlfriend at the time.

Congratulations!! So awesome that you are a real Sir Doctor Professor now. (That's funnier if you've seen the appropriate Spongebob episode.) And thanks for writing a fun-to-read account of the day. I felt like I was there, but it took way less than three hours to relive. So it was better than being there, really. ;o)

What I'm Listening To

The Naked And Famous - Young Blood
I went to a show last month where these guys opened. I have a new "celebrity" crush. A cute Asian girl with a New Zealander accent? Sign me up! The whole album is good, but this song is probably my favorite (along with everyone else). Although, there's something about it that makes me feel like I squandered my youth.

About Me

Native Minnow is a doctor, but not the important kind. He is divorced and has three children who live with his ex-wife. Random people take it upon themselves to inform him that he resembles a young Bill Clinton. He does.