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I am lost.

Many months have passed by since I have posted anything really..a blurp here....a thank you there. Forgive me for my silence.

My words have nothing to do about Lupus and the horrific acts it plays on us...today for me, my words are of my sadness. I am hopelessly sad, I miss my husband....I am full of emptiness, that nothing can ease the pain of the space that has been hollowed out of me..

I survived the anticipated loss of my Mom to cancer 16 years ago, but an instant sudden death is so different. Everything I planned to be as us, is gone and I don't know how to move into the new direction I found myself in as Me....

I want to cut my arm just to feel a different pain, but I know I will be just a woman with a broken heart who has a wound on her arm....

Time..I don't think a spirit, a body, a mind can endure pain everyday...today is day 53. My mind looks for answers, anecdotes..a cure, but in reality the answer is...in my own time and only I will know, the unknown when it happens. My Bola's death seems like yesterday but the pain seems like eons...

Stuck in fear mode.....not the mental fear but the physical. Adrenal glands are pumping out the fear as my stomach and chest are in knots. I am tired of feeling afraid physically when my mind is not...I am in a perpetual state of an anxiety attack...

Talking, writing about it is said it heals... heal thyself with words and time....thank you for reading me.

I realize that you probably already know this, but I'll say it anyway-reaching out gradually, and talking to others at your own pace, and when you are ready, is a good thing. Just get your toe a bit wet, or dunk your whole foot in, either way is OK.

I've tried to imagine the world you are in, but there's no way I could ever really know. Most of us could never know, but we'll listen and try to understand the best way we can. You have helped so many people here in so many ways. But now, it's time for us to listen, and to help you. I'm glad you are back, I missed you.

Thank you Rob for reading me. I have tried to reach out at home....within reach but not receive the results I expected. Like Lupus, you have to understand why they don't understand you, instead of the other way around. Because they don't have Lupus and we can't be in their heads everyday. I will have to find that to be the same with grief....The slightest disregard, forgotten becomes so huge....unlike if I wasn't grieving it would not hurt. I would shrug it off and say next time...

This loss is so much bigger than my Mom, so much. Though I wasn't done learning from her..I was not done living my future with Bola, whatever it may have been. I think this is different too, though my Mom and I spoke daily, we didn't plan out lives together...it was assumed. I was an adult. With Bola..I lost love, security...our tomorrows. I don't think I will get over this. I feel too raw...

I started sessions with a counselor....seems better somehow when someone can hear you cry instead of alone, in a heap on the floor. Full of emotions without motion...

My family in Michigan is great but so far away....they call me often, throughout the day. I try to hold the grief in, as I worry they will tire of my sobs....but I am like a vat. I suppress and suppress then I am filled to the rim and I implode, uncontrollably and yell and yearn I want Bola home...knowing he will never walk through that door. Then I get angry, demanding answers from who...God, anyone....I will never know, maybe when I meet him again, will I get it....what this sadness was all for. I love Bola.

You've touched my heart and I wish with all of mine that I could help heal yours -- but I can't. It's about time and time never passes the way we want it to (fast or slow). When my second husband threw me away like the lowest piece of trash on Earth, I thought I would die. The pain was so horrible. I don't know how people feel about medication on this site but for a very short while I took Xanex just to keep from crying. And I am not a crier at all, especially back then. I needed that super sharp edge off of my emotions that kept cutting me over and over. I was lucky, I wasn't sick at the time but I did have a six year old that worshipped this guy and to have me walking around in tears didn't help either of us. I'm so glad you have a counselor and if you think a short stint on medicine would help, I would ask.

Other than that, I will put you in my prayers and hope that in your emotional world, time passes a touch faster. God bless.

Thank you serand4 for reading me....and your caring words. Yes, I am dosing with Xanax.. I feel the anxiety always quaking inside me, the drug never takes it totally away...but eventually the dam breaks. It just helps me to function, to do the legal paper aspect of my husbands affairs. Grief is a force I am having a hard time contending with....tomorrow I see my DR and maybe she'll prescribe a different sedative...

I am sorry someone you loved treated you so badly....I hope you have found someone who respects and honors you as a person and as their love.

I was thinking of you earlier today, Oluwa, and wondering how you are doing.

I cannot begin to imagine how incredibly difficult your loss has been. As a child, you expect your parent to pass at some point, but your spouse, at such a young age, is such a tremendous loss.

My co-worker, who was six months pregnant with her son, took her daughter for a walk in the neighborhood one morning last May. They came home to find her husband on the floor after suffering a massive heart attack. Her son was born in August and she returned to work in November. Her husband had been the primary caretaker of their daughter as he was a photographer and worked on the weekends. My co-worker's had daycare issues and then the holidays were here. She's overwhelmed with parenting issues, having to pay for childcare when they didn't have that expense previously and grieving the loss of her loving husband. I think I saw her smile last week.

It's been 53 days, Sweetie. Don't expect too much from yourself. We'll be here to listen whenever you want to talk (or play Wordcube).

My Dad passed away last September. I talk to my Mom almost every day. Never do I hear her cry or grieve his passing. Is she trying to protect me and make me think she's doing well so I don't worry? Is she relieved he's gone? I'd prefer she was honest and shared her true feelings vs hiding behind the face of bravado. She's always been very private so I shouldn't expect any different, but I thought his death would bring us closer.

I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor. Most of us could use the services of a good therapist, whether we've suffered a loss or not. I know I would need one if my husband passed away because I would feel as lost and angry as you are feeling now.

My heart goes out to you. My father died almost 8 yrs ago. Even though he was sick, I know that neither he nor my step mother ever discussed the "what if". I watched her go through the grieving process and came to realize how deeply she loved him, even though they were never what I would call "affectionate" or act like they were a couple in love. I know it's not easy, and I know that you just want to wake up from this nightmare. I wish I could come and sit w/you and be a sounding board for you whether you want to cry, scream or relive memories. Anytime you need to let it out feel free. (((HUGS)))