I'm not going to address most of the topics in your post-because honestly, between Dingedheart and Galagirl-I think they covered everything I would say.

But-I will say that there IS a difference between being exclusive in Kink and being exclusive period.

I am poly, my husband is poly, my boyfriend is mono.

BUT-when it comes to D/s, that is EXCLUSIVE. No other Dom's, No other sub's. Period.

So, I do frequently refer to us as exclusive if I'm talking about D/s. Whereas, we are in no way monogamous.

And, when I say Maca and I are exclusive in D/s-that is NEVER intended to imply that I don't have a boyfriend-he is certainly not a secret.

My point here is-

I don't happen to agree with a lot of what is going on in your dynamic, based upon what you have posted.
BUT-in this one small detail, I think you may have taken the information incorrectly. (you also may not have).
It is quite possible and would be reasonable to assume-if he is OUT as polyamorous in general-that he wasn't in anyway trying to deny your EXISTENCE as his lover, by saying he was exclusive in the Kink community.

As to the rest-yikes.

Well, thanks for the reality check about that. I was upset as soon as I saw the post so I didn't really read it for clarity, I'll admit. And I told him I couldn't handle reading anymore so he took my off the list. I am okay with that because I think it's too personal about his relationship with her for me to want to read anyway.

He is not out as polyamorous. In fact, we had a discussion today. He doesn't care for the term because to him it denotes a really, really serious relationship- as in, people who live together. Obviously, neither of us wants that.

I probably overreacted. But I really don't see what's so bad about the rest of my situation that merits the yikes. It's just pretty crappy right now but before all this started, I was amazingly happy. It's just that he can't give me that time for now.