Dealing With the Dreaded Bereavement Trip

By Walecia Konrad

March 11, 2015

Dealing with bereavement travel can mean grief in more ways than one. Just ask William Shatner.

This month, the 83-year-old actor had to fend off people who criticized his decision not to attend the Los Angeles funeral of his “Star Trek” co-star, Leonard Nimoy, so he could keep a charity fund-raising commitment in Florida. “Captain Jerk!” was how The Daily News of New York described the actor, who once played Capt. James T. Kirk in the 1960s TV show.

But many people, celebrities or not, can relate to Mr. Shatner’s situation, especially older adults like him. Traveling for funerals and memorial services, or for health emergencies, can become a major concern as people live longer and, in turn, watch friends and family members die.

“I see so many seniors trying to cope with bereavement travel,” said Sherry Saturno, executive director of the Hudson Valley Care Coalition in Tarrytown, N.Y. “Making a last-minute trip can be enormously stressful for an older person.” But not being able to attend a funeral or memorial, whether for financial, health, emotional or other reasons, can also be agonizing.

The logistics can be daunting. Last-minute airline travel often can be unaffordable for a retiree on a fixed income, said Mila Tecala, an independent social worker who runs the Center for Grief and Loss in Washington. Most major airlines have discontinued the practice of offering bereavement or compassion discounts for emergency travel.

In many cases, the family member or friend may be too ill to travel. As head of St. Philomena’s parish in Detroit for more than 60 years, Msgr. Peter Lentine, 95, has counseled countless churchgoers who have lost loved ones. But that does not necessarily make his current personal experience any easier. His niece is in a hospice in Florida with a brain tumor that has left her unable to speak.

Monsignor Lentine is in failing health and knows he will not be able to attend the funeral when the time comes. “This is such a difficult situation for me, knowing I cannot say goodbye and that I will not be there for the funeral,” he said.

Carol Carlson, 70, of Sarasota, Fla., is another example. She has severe fibromyalgia and was physically unable to attend her mother’s interment service in Grosse Pointe, Mich., six months ago. “I was feeling guilty about not being able to travel and feeling very alone here in Florida, because I hadn’t known anyone who had been in this situation before,” she said.

Even when retirees are healthy, emotional issues may make a trip impossible. Ms. Tecala said one of her clients, a fit and active 70-year-old woman, had attended 10 funerals in the last year and simply could not face the prospect of traveling to another. “In the past couple of years, all of her six siblings have died, as well as many close friends,” Ms. Tecala said.

There are ways to help ease the burden of bereavement travel, according to grief counselors and other experts. On the practical side, steps can be taken to cut expenses. What few bereavement fares do exist are usually only small discounts on the highest last-minute ticket prices. George Hobica, president of Airfarewatchdog.com, said it was better to use a discount travel site to make last-minute bookings, check air-and-hotel packages that might be cheaper than last-minute fares and see if one-day advance purchase fares might be the best deal.

For those within driving distance of a funeral or memorial who cannot or do not want to drive, Ms. Saturno suggested contacting the local agency on aging or local groups that help the elderly. Such organizations often have a list of volunteers who will drive the elderly to services.

While funerals and memorial services are an important part of the grieving process, people can “come up with their own rituals as well, whether or not they can attend an official service,” said Florence Isaacs, the author of “My Deepest Sympathies,” a book on condolences.

In some cases, that may mean an alternative service at a different time and place. Monsignor Lentine, for example, has already planned a service for his niece, who is also his goddaughter, at his parish in Detroit, after the service in Florida. His niece’s husband and other family members will attend. Ms. Tecala said it was becoming more common for faraway loved ones to plan alternative services in their own places of worship.

Many funeral homes, churches and other providers now use technology to allow distant relatives and friends to be part of the ceremonies. “I recently held a memorial service for my mother and videotaped it,” said Marilyn Dion, a certified celebrant in Ontario, Canada. (Celebrants conduct ceremonies signaling life’s various passages.) “This way my mother’s sister and other family members who could not attend could still take part in the ceremony.” Of course, such technologies also make it much easier to stay in touch with ill loved ones before they die.

Ms. Carlson of Sarasota and her family used technology to make sure she was part of the ceremony. Ms. Carlson said her mother’s last wishes were clear: She wanted to be cremated and interred next to her husband at a church in Grosse Pointe. Ms. Carlson sent the ashes to her cousin in Michigan, who planned a small ceremony at the church with a minister officiating. The cousin called Ms. Carlson and left the phone on so she could hear the service and even speak with the minister. “I’m so grateful to my cousin, and I really did feel part of it,” Ms. Carlson said. “It turned out to be a very special event.”

Those people who cannot attend a funeral or memorial service need to communicate clearly with other survivors about why they must be absent, experts suggest. Ms. Tecala said one client was ostracized by his family when he did not attend his sister’s funeral. “He had made the effort to visit and say his goodbyes while his sister was still alive,” she said. “He thought that was enough. But now he tells me that he has lost a sister — and the rest of his family, too. He needs to make it clear to his family members why saying goodbye was more important to him than the funeral.”

Ms. Saturno observed: “Everyone grieves differently. The important thing is to attempt to cope with your feelings of loss in a way that’s comfortable for you.”

Correction:

An article on Thursday about bereavement travel misstated the surname of the author of “My Deepest Sympathies,” a book on condolences. She is Florence Isaacs, not Isaac.

A version of this article appears in print on , on Page F6 of the New York edition with the headline: Dealing With the Dreaded Bereavement Trip. Order Reprints | Today’s Paper | Subscribe