When
the conversation turns to estate planning, lawyer
Les Kotzer can tell stories. Horror stories, he calls
them  all true, and most of them avoidable if
families had talked more openly.

In
one case, two siblings fought over a silver cup after
their father died. The ensuing bitterness split the
family.

On
another occasion, a woman came into Mr. Kotzer's office
with a crystal figurine she had given to her mother.
Because her mother mistakenly bequeathed it to someone
else, the daughter smashed it in Kotzer's presence.
If she couldn't have it, she said, no one would.

In
a third case, two brothers were arguing in his boardroom
over a provision in their father's will. One took
a heavy book off Kotzer's desk and threw it, missing
his brother but knocking a painting off the wall.

"These
were once kids who were probably singing in the back
seat of the station wagon on the way to the Grand
Canyon with Mom and Dad," Kotzer says. "They
weren't born to hate each other. They grew up in the
same home. They should be guardians of each other."

To
help families deal amicably with inheritances, Kotzer
and fellow attorney Barry Fish have written "The
Family Fight: Planning to Avoid It" (Continental
Atlantic Publications, $19.95). They note that relatives
fight not just over money but over memories, possessions,
and slights, real or perceived.

Kotzer
measures the depth of the problem in part by the response
he draws during radio and TV appearances. On one TV
call-in show, 65 people waited on hold, wanting to
talk about their family's estate fights.

Estate
planning has gained new attention lately in the wake
of headlines detailing the feud Ted Williams's children
are waging over his last wishes.

In
addition, Kotzer says, the Sept. 11 tragedy "woke
people up to the reality that we're not here forever."
Some parents and children now find it easier to talk
openly and plan for the future.

Even
so, less than half of Americans have a will, increasing
the chances of acrimony. And if a will is not carefully
written, relatives can still feud.

That's
a problem, says Kotzer, for baby boomers expecting
to inherit their parents' estates.He watches some
clients in that generation drive into his parking
lot in a beautiful car and concede, "Yeah, the
bank owns it." Others arrive wearing expensive
clothing.

"Even
though they appear to have wealth, a lot of them are
really depending on their parents' money," Kotzer
says.

For
benefactors and beneficiaries alike, the question
"What is fair?" remains central. Sometimes,
in an effort to divide assets fairly among children,
parents create what Kotzer calls "inadvertent
inequality."

If
a father has a coin collection or baseball-card collection
that was appraised in 1990 for $5,000, for example,
he might leave that to his son and leave $5,000 in
cash to his daughter. A decade later, the card collection
might be worth $20,000. Yet unless dad updates his
will, the daughter will still receive only $5,000.
Land and family businesses can also increase exponentially
in value, Kotzer says.

Second
marriages create some of the most difficult issues
in estate planning. Kotzer tells of one man who left
everything outright to his second wife, expecting
her to pass along various assets to his son. The stepmother
told the son, "Don't worry, I love you like my
own son. Dad always wanted you to be protected."
But she bequeathed everything to her own children.
The husband's son did not receive even family heirlooms
and photo albums.

After
a remarriage, Kotzer says, consider setting up a trust
for a second spouse.

Other
factors also create special circumstances and potential
disagreements in dividing assets.

In
families where an adult child has spent years caring
for a parent, sometimes giving up a career to do so,
the parent might want to express appreciation with
a monetary gift. "Explain to the other kids,
'Jane lived with me. She deserves more.' The caregiver
might say, 'Mom, I don't want any more,' but at least
the offer prevents her from feeling slighted."

Also,
if parents spent $50,000 on one child's college education,
it might be appropriate to increase the amount they
leave to their other children.

If
one child is irresponsible or has an addiction that
could drain an inheritance, parents might be tempted
to leave him or her nothing. Kotzer urges people to
weigh that decision carefully and to speak to other
children about it: "I'm thinking about cutting
John out of the will. What do you think of that?"

A
sibling might say, "Don't do it. I have to live
with him after you're gone. Let him feel he's been
treated fairly."

An
option is to set up a trust for that child. The money
can be invested and managed, with the provision that
another person can get money from the trust for the
child's care.

In
cases like these, it can be valuable to leave a letter
or videotape to heirs, explaining why a certain provision
was made. A videotape is not a will, but it offers
a way to make wishes clear.

Kotzer
warns against do-it-yourself wills, calling them "recipes
for disaster." Even though these simple forms
may be valid, imprecise language can cause confusion.

One
woman wrote in her will, "I leave my antiques
to my daughter. I leave everything else to my son."
But "antiques" is not an easy word to define.
Is her 1960 clock an antique? Her heirs disagreed.

Similarly,
another woman left her "personal monies"
to her siblings and everything else to her husband.
That set off an expensive legal battle. A court determined
that personal monies referred only to her bank accounts.

All
this acrimony saddens Kotzer, who comes from a close
family. "Mom never favored me or my brother,
and there was never secrecy," he says.

Yet
many parents have a hard time talking to their adult
children about estates. They think: "It'll all
work out after we go." Children are equally unsure
how to broach the subject. They fear parents will
assume they're simply after money.

"Secrecy
is not golden when it comes to estate work,"
Kotzer says. "You should be talking to your children
about why you are leaving more to one than the other,
if that's the case, so there are no surprises when
a parent dies." That does not mean parents must
tell children now how much they own and what their
estate is worth.

Kotzer
also pleads for order. Sometimes clients come into
his office with a bag filled with financial records.
They dump it on his desk and ask, "OK, where
do we start?" This can create confusion and suspicion,
producing rifts if heirs think one sibling, perhaps
the executor, is withholding information about assets.

Many
of the family feuds Kotzer sees will never go to court.
Although they are settled, they leave bitter memories
that can last for years.

To
avoid this, he suggests gathering the family together,
perhaps at Thanksgiving, and telling children how
important it is that they don't fight over the estate.
"A parent could say, 'I love you all, you're
all equal to me. John and Mary, is there anything
in the house you'd like someday? If you bought anything
for me, tell me. I want you to have it back.' "

Alternatively,
adult children can broach the subject by telling parents,
"We need to talk. Don't make an island out of
us. We want to be close."

Look
around that table, Kotzer says. "Look at your
children laughing with each other. Can you imagine
in 20 years those children not talking to each other?
You don't want to leave a legacy of hate with your
children.

"You've
got to plan," he continues. "By leaving
a voice, you can protect your family. That can be
your legacy to your kids  not creating fighting
among the children."


'The Family Fight' is available by calling 1-877-439-3999
or at www.familyfight.com.