Putin Eyes Perry’s Prize Pussy

Katy Perry’s pussy has apparently captured the attention of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Sources indicate Putin has contacted Perry’s management team with an offer to purchase the giant metallic tiger the pop singer rode during her performance at Super Bowl XLIX.

While Putin has been quiet about his plans for the gargantuan gold-plated feline, reports out of Russia suggest he intends to use the tiger as the centerpiece of his re-election campaign in 2016.

“There are only so many palaces a man can build with siphoned public funds and bribes from the oil oligarchs,” notes political analyst Ivan Bengalev. “The President feels it’s time to give something back to the common people with the money he’s stolen from them.”

“He wants to show them he still views their miserable plight with as much coldly detached derision as ever.”

Putin allegedly intends on taking the tiger on a pan-Russian tour in 2015, hoping to combine it with a breathtaking pyrotechnic display and his own impressive physique to bring hope to the Russian people.

With Russians still reeling from dropping oil prices, a collapsed currency, and the general malaise that accompanies living in a police state, it’s still uncertain what effect Putin’s garish display will have on national morale.

When contacted, Perry’s publicist issued the following statement:

“While Katy is honored President Putin is interested in using her pussy to inspire the Russian people, it has sentimental value after delighting so many. She respectfully requests the media give her pussy some time to recuperate before anyone else takes it for a ride.”

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The Lapine is Canada's Best Satirical Online Newspaper. It satirizes politics, life, media and the human condition, with a special focus on Canada.
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