So, here we are again. Two equally dislikeable, commercial "brands" with a reputation for ripping off their customers go head-to-head on Big Cup final night and your humble minute-by-minute reporter is expected to make a call and choose between them.

It's a bit of a coin toss, to be honest, but at the moment I'm edging towards ITV1, with a view to flicking over to Sky Sports at the first mention of "that famous night in Barcelona".

Team news

Ashley Cole has recovered from the ankle injury visited upon him by Claude Makelele-Role in training last night and is named in the Chelsea team for tonight's Champions League final with Manchester United.

John Terry captains the side despite dislocating his elbow on the final day of the Premier League season against Bolton. Manager Avram Grant makes one change to the team that drew that day, with Ricardo Carvalho shaking off a back injury and replacing Alex.

United also make one change with England midfielder Owen Hargreaves being preferred to Ji-Sung Park. Ryan Giggs, who could break Bobby Charlton's United appearance record in tonight's match, is named on the bench.

My podcasting partner James Richardson is in the Luzhniki Stadium working as the designated Uefa warm-up man. His job? To amuse the fans and stop things kicking off and turning ugly. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that Uefa president Michel Platini is not a regular listener to Football Weekly. If he was he'd probably have sanctioned the spending of another few hundred quid for somebody decent like Lennie Bennett or Bobby Davro.

Anyway, there's no sign of AC Jimbo yet, but if the 60,000 fans the two biggest "global brands" in world football have struggled to muster between them suddenly go quiet in the face of some witless mugging into a microphone, we'll know he's on.

Some reader correspondence

"If United lose tonight then I'm moving to the Blasket Islands to write a sequel to Peig," writes Eoghan O'Sullivan. "And if anyone asks me about football I'll reply that I hate that sport with its dirty filthy liathroidi pumped up with Sasanach poison. It just doesn't bear thinking about."

That's big talk Eoghan. Those of you who are unfamiliar with the Peig (ie anyone who wasn't forced to study it in school in Ireland) should keep it that way. It's the autobiography of an old Irish harridan who lived on an island and laughed a grand total of once in her entire life - when somebody hit somebody else on the head with a rotten turnip. Apart from that, it was wall to wall misery - not least because nearly all her 57 children died, many of them in suspicious circumstances. However, Peig's misery is nothing compared to that inflicted on the many hundreds of thousands of young Irish children who were forced to read and study her terrible book in school. The bitch.

"What's the deal with Ovaltine? The jar is round, the mug is round ..."
Richardson watch

A huge cheer goes up in the Luzhniki Stadium that is, unbelievably, prompted by one of James Richardson's jokes. His smirking visage can be seen on the two big screens as he quips: "Who'd have thought in 1990 we'd be in a new Russia for the biggest club game in the world? Who'd have thought it'd be two English clubs? And who'd have thought Liverpool would still be waiting to win the league again?"

Making fun of Liverpool in a bid to ingratiate himself on Manchester United and Chelsea fans. Lazy comedy ... cheap giggles ... what a a pro.

Pre-match niceties

"Apparently communism is officially dead," writes Bobby Otter. "50,000 Russians were just singing John Denver's Take Me Home Country Roads at the Luzhniki Stadium. Either that or there are 50,000 Englishmen wishing that they lived in West Virginia."

"I think that the streets of London will be thronged with celebrating fans later tonight," writes Gary Naylor. "But then again, Chelsea might win."

"I have no idea how a neutral observer such as yourself can sit through another 120 mins of the special brand of turgid bilge-water that's usually served up by the big two," writes Archi Campbell. "I support one of them but it's still likely to be the most boring thing I've seen all day. Coming from a man who's already done two Physics exams that's saying something."

Pre-match ceremony

Soundtracked by a voiceover by some English luvvie putting on a hammy Russian accent, ITV1 play a pre-match montage that's even more hackneyed than its Ivan Drago-training-for-the-big-fight equivalent from Rocky IV. Meanwhile on the pitch, loads of dancers in red capes are mincing about and releasing balloons. Didn't they see what happened to Manchester City when they played Sheffield United in the FA Cup? Enough frippery, here come the teams.

Click clack click-clack, click-clack

The mascots emerge from the tunnel, leading their players by their hands. They file past the Big Cup, before lining up for a lengthy blast of George Frideric Handel's Zadok The Priest. Or, to give it its official title, the Champions League Anthem.

Tyldesley watch

"Only the engraver's knife will decide for which team it will be forever memorable," says Clive, presumably reading from the napkin he was doodling on in the airplane on the way to Moscow possibly after a couple of G&Ts.

1 min: Manchester United kick off. Clive tells anyone who doesn't know already that this is a one-off, winner-takes-all game. Are there people out there who didn't actually know?

2 min: Ronaldo starts on the left and draws the first foul of the evening from Michael Essien.

3 min: It's all very scrappy in the opening stages, with neither side carving out anything in the way of a chance.

4 min: Paul Scholes picks up the ball on the right hand side of midfield and pings a long pass over to Ronaldo on the far touchline. The Portuguese traps it on his chest, fails to keep the ball in play and plays on anyway in the hope the referee didn't notice which side of the line the ball had bounced. Nice try, but it seems you have to be up early in the morning to catch out Lubos Michel. Considering it's 10.49pm in Moscow, Ronaldo never had a chance.

7 min: Manchester United are enjoying the lion's share of possession early doors, but aren't creating anything with it. Owen Hargreaves gets around Ashley Cole and sends a cross into the Chelsea penalty area, which is cleared.

8 min: "With regard to Peig, take out the solitary laugh and swap the turnip for a marlin, and it sounds about as exciting as The Old Man and the Sea," writes Ewan Benson.

11 min: The early stages are being played at a fair old clip, with both sides passing quite well. Wes Brown picks up the ball in midfield and sends it deep, where Rooney chests it down in the penalty area with his back to goal. He's dispossessed and Chelsea clear.

12 min: Throw-in for Manchester United, deep in Chelsea territory. Scholes picks out Hargreaves, who turns and unsuccessfully tries to wriggle free from the close attentions of three Chelsea players nearby. He could strip off and cover himself in goose-grease, and he'd still have trouble getting away from them, such is their determination not to give him an inch.

15 min: On the left wing, Ronaldo skins Michael Essien, gets to the byline and pings a cross in for Owen Hargreaves at the edge of the six-yard box. He leaps, but can't reach.

17 min: "I'm awaiting the news that the Luzhniki Stadium is actually a spaceship which will lift off shortly before half-time and convey all of the occupants, including the wretched Glazers and Abramovich (and, ideally, the American 'comedy team' who own Liverpool), to some remote galaxy," writes Lou Roper, echoing the hopes of many.

20 min: Some corners and a free-kick for Chelsea, from which nothing come. Except a bit of an aerial to-do between Paul Scholes and Claude Makelele which results in Scholes getting a yellow card and a bloody nose. Michael Ballack and Makelele are both arguing with the referee, but I'm not sure why. Do Chelsea's players need a reason any more?

22 min: Frank Lampard sends a diagonal ball towards Didier Drogba from the left wing, but Nemanja Vidic intercepts and puts it out for a corner. Lampard sends the ball into the mixer, where Terry leaps highest. The ball is too high for him and ends up going wide.

24 min: Not for the first time this evening, Cristiano Ronaldo fails to keep the ball in play on the left touchline. On this occasion he should have done better and his reluctance to chase a loose pass from Patrice Evra ruins a promising Manchester United build-up. It seems Claude Makelele has also been booked for that incident with Paul Scholes.

GOAL! Man Utd 1-0 Chelsea (Ronaldo 26) Wes Brown sends in a diagonal ball from the right wing and Cristiano Ronaldo gets the jump on Michael Essien to steer a perfect header just inside the left upright. Essien's not able for him tonight - the makeshift right-back is having a shocker.

29 min: Another ball into the box from Brown and Ronaldo beats Essien in the air again, but there's nobody there to get on the end of his knock-down. The pitch is looking like a scene from Reservoir Dogs at the moment, with Didier Drogba on the floor looking for attention for his sore neck and Paul Scholes walking around trying to staunch the flow of blood from his nose with a hankerchief.

31 min: Manchester United are bossing this match in every single department, and with Ronaldo's tail very much up, there seems to be every chance this could turn into a rout. According to ITV's man on the sideline, Avram Grant hasn't uttered a word since the goal went in.

33 min: Shocking defending from Ferdinand almost allows Michael Ballack to equalise. Manchester United's captain was dawdling over a headed back-pass to Van Der Sar, when the German challenged him from behind, almost forcing him to head it into his own goal. It took a marvellous one-handed save from Van der Sar to keep the ball out.

36 min: Manchester Uniited counter and almost go 2-0 up. Rooney picks out Ronaldo with a beautiful pass and the Portuguese crosses for Tevez, whose header from point-blank range is parried by Cech in the Chelsea goal. The ball falls beautifully for Michael Carrick, who picks his spot before pulling the trigger and sending a low drive towards the bottom right-hand corner. Cech flings himself to his right and saves brilliantly.

38 min: Chelsea go forward and Ashley Cole gives everyone another reason to dislike him. Pelting down the left wing chasing a 50-50 ball with Wes Brown, the two players go shoulder to shoulder. Cole falls over outside the penalty area, lands in it, appeals for a spot-kick and then whinges like a girl when he, quite correctly, doesn't get one.

42 min: Carlos Tevez blows another great chance to put United 2-0 up. On the edge of the six-yard box, he stretches to poke home a Wayne Rooney cross from the right, gets a touch on the ball and scuffs it wide with the surface of his studs. If he was an inch taller that would have gone in, because Cech was beaten.

43 min: Rio Ferdinand obstructs Frank Lampard inches outside the United penalty area, prompting the referee to book him and award Chelsea a free-kick. Ballack sends it over the bar.

Man United 1-1 Chelsea (Lampard 44) A pass through the centre and into the penalty area from Essien hits the back of Vidic's legs, cannons off Ferdinand and falls kindly for Lampard, whose job of tucking it away is made all the easier by the fact that Van der Sar slips. It was a comedy of errors and no mistake ... if that's not an oxymoron.

45+2 min: Roberto Carvalho gets booked for a nasty tackle on Cristiano Ronaldo that was higher than Pete Doherty after a toke on the pipe, and later than an episode of Seinfeld on BBC2.

Half-time

Theatrical anecdote interlude with a proper bona fide celebrity

"Years ago, I co-wrote Peig: The Musical!, with the Flying Pig Comedy Troupe," writes award-winning novelist Julian Gough, who is the one-time frontman of legendary Galway rockers Toasted Heretic. "The comedian Tommy Tiernan started off in the Flying Pigs, a mighty outfit. We turned a Blasket Island life of hardship, misery, poverty and potatoes into a two-hour musical comedy, starring the amazing Maggie O'Sullivan.

"It was an act of the most exquisite revenge. At the end of our show, after waiting for nearly 100 years, Peig finally gets the fare to America she was promised as a child by her old chum Pegeen Mike, heads off to New York and becomes a star on Broadway. The finale had Peig suspended 25 feet up in the air on a trapeze, singing:

Peig: "I'm an old woman now..."Huge Exuberant Broadway Chorus: "She's an old woman now!"Peig: "...with one foot in the grave..."Huge Exuberant Broadway Chorus: "With one foot in the grave!"Peig: "...and one foot on the edge of it."Huge Exuberant Broadway Chorus: "And one foot on the edge!" ... and Peig then threw a chamber pot full of glitter out through the spotlights and over the front rows as the curtain came down on her triumph."

Sounds good. Tell us more.

"It was a cracking night's entertainment, and of great therapeutic value to a generation traumatised by her infernal book as children. We sold out the Town Hall Theatre in Galway four times, with the audience howling ecstatically throughout. I retired from theatre after that. It couldn't get any better."

And the football?

"Oh yes, the football... don't care really. Fair play to both sets of lads for getting this far. May the best team win."

46 min: Manchester United are first out for the second half, followed by Chelsea about two minutes later. Sir Alex Ferguson waits at the entrance to the tunnel to give the referee an earful for making his players wait. Chelsea kick off.

47 min: "Pass on my thanks to yer man from Toasted Heretic for the song Galway and Los Angeles," writes Simon Smith. "It's a great lost sparkle-pop classic."

48 min: "Is there any chance of some sort of annulment for the hostile neutrals amongst us who would rather sit through a nine-hour adaptation of Peig for the big screen directed by Ken Loach than see either team win?" wonders Michael Canty. "Personally, I'm hoping for a sudden resurrection of the Soviet Empire just before the final whistle. Match null and void." Manchester United throw-in, which Cristiano Ronaldo takes.

49 min: Michael Ballack takes out Cristiano Ronaldo right under the referee's nose. When I say he took him out, I mean that he knocked him over; he didn't kill him or bring him to a restaurant and then the cinema. The referee awards Manchester United a free-kick about 10 yards inside the Chelsea half, which Ronaldo over-kicks and wastes.

51 min: Whinge! Whinge! Whinge! Whinge! Whinge! Whinge! As one of very few Chelsea players who hasn't done so already, Joe Cole takes his turn to complain at length to the referee about something or other. He's unhappy that he wasn't awarded a corner when he should have been. I suppose that's fair enough.

53 min: Brilliant play by Rooney down the left flank, who threads the ball through two defenders to pick out Patrice Evra on the byline. With Chelsea's defence in disarray, the full-back over-hits his cross, earning stern rebukes from Rooney and Owen Hargreaves.

55 min: Chelsea counter in a move that ends with Michael Essien shooting over the bar from the edge of the Manchester United penalty area.

56 min: Chelsea corner, which Frank Lampard sends in from the left hand side. Nothing comes of it and Manchester United earn themselves a goal-kick.

57 min: Now it's Chelsea who have the upper hand. They surge forward again and Michael Ballack tries a shot from distance. Wide.

58 min: Owen Hargreaves goes down and needs a bit of treatment after getting a bang in the face from a flailing Claude Makelele arm. He's not happy, but it looked like an accident.

60 min: "The midfield barometer is just swaying Chelsea's way at the moment ... with Paul Scholes dropping deeper," says my colleague David Pleat, the Guardian's maestro of the chalkboard who moonlights as Clive Tyldesley's co-commentator.

62 min: Ebb, flow, ebb, flow, ebb, flow. This is very tense. "How a Champions League final commentary has turned into extended musings upon Peig Sayers' life is a mystery to me," writes Rob Cotter. "Never mind Man Utd or Chelsea, nostalgic Toasted Heretic fans are the real winners here tonight."

63 min: Michael Essien sends a long ball up towards Didier Drogba, who wins a free-kick when Nemanja Vidic tries to mount him from behind (there's an image!). The ball is placed about 50 yards from goal, right of centre. Florent Malouda sends it in to the penalty area, where Carrick extends a leg and hooks clear.

65 min: Corner for Chelsea after Vidic heads a Frank Lampard pot-shot over his own crossbar. Lampard takes the corner, Terry leaps, the ball sails over the bar.

66 min: Despite struggling with injury, Rio Ferdinand manages to block and clear a Frank Lampard through-ball into the penalty area. The Manchester United captain goes down in agony with what looks like ... cramp. "This Peig book sounds amazing," writes Phil Harrison. "Do you reckon noted Irishman Andy Townsend has read it?" You may mock, Phil, but Andy Townsend is a man of hidden depths. Actually, now that I think of it, I'm getting him confused with Pete Townshend from The Who.

69 min: With Chelsea having upped the tempo a few clicks since half-time, Manchester United are struggling. Rio Ferdinand is fit to continue, as is Frank Lampard, who also got treated for cramp.

70 min: United attack, Rooney crosses from the left wing and Tevez and Makelele go down in a tangle just inside the Chelsea penalty area. Tevez was the aggressor there and left Makelele in need of treatment. Corner for Manchester United, which Cech comes out to claim.

74 min: "Seeing as we're talking about Toasted Heretic, I am hoping for further guest contributions from former members of , say, That Petrol Emotion or The 4 Of Us," writes Patrick Crumlish. "If you're out there, write in and let us know you're alive!"

75 min: Under a dropping ball and pressure from Rio Ferdinand, Florent Malouda takes a dive in the the penalty area in an unsuccessful bid to con the referee into giving him a penalty. If he'd put as much effort into controlling the ball he'd have found himself in a good scoring position.

79 min: The game's getting very scrappy now. Assorted players are chipping away at each other or trying to kid the referee into giving them free-kicks. Carlos Tevez has a pop from distance which whistles a few feet wide of Petr Cech's right-hand post.

84 min: Free-kick for Chelsea, wide on the right. Malouda plays it short to Drogba on the edge of the six-yard box, but the Ivorian is unable to turn and wins a corner instead. Sadly for him, the referee decides otherwise and awards a goal-kick."

85 min: Chelsea are still in control, but there's not much in it. Cole drives a low cross in towards Didier Drogba, but Rio Ferdinand intercepts. Manchester United substitution: Ryan Giggs on, Paul Scholes off.

87 min: Clive Tyldesley is now referring to "that famous night in Barcelona" at the rate of about seven times a minute. I'm prepared to let him off, under the circumstances. There'll be two minutes of added time at the end of the 90 here tonight.

90 min: "While you're on about Toasted Heretic, it'd be a shame not to mention The Stunning, Galway's other finest band," writes Adrian Scahill. Fair enough, Adrian, but for my money, the Heretic were vastly superior ... if a lot less commercially successful. That said, if Joe or Steve Wall ever write in to tell me how great I am, I'd probably be prepared to give them more credit.

90+2 min: Peep! Peep! Peep! Fasten your seat-belts for extra-time.

ET1: And we're off ... and so is Florent Malouda. Avram Grant has replaced him with Saloman Kalou.

ET2: Chelsea are denied by the woodwork again! From outside the penalty area, Ballack shapes to shoot, only to pick out Lampard with a clever pass to feet. The Chelsea midfielder turns on the proverbial sixpence and shoots the ball against the angle of upright and crossbar. The rebound drops for Joe Cole, but not quickly enough. His effort goes high and wide.

ET5: Joe Cole goes down with cramp. Meanwhile in the stands, various soldiers are swapping shirts with Manchester United fans. There'll be courts martial all round for that, I'll wager.

ET8: "Many, many moons ago (in 1989) I was a big fan of Toasted Heretic but couldn't see them play when they visited my town because I had to babysit," writes Edward Rothman, who doesn't sound very rock'n'roll to me. "My girlfriend got the band to gimme their autographs which they kindly packaged in a used Hula Hoops (barbecue beef flavour) packet, which I still have to this day. Please extend my thanks to Mr. Gough."

ET9: How did that stay out? Patrice Evra slaloms through the Chelsea penalty area and brilliantly pulls the ball back for Giggs, who shoots. With Cech beaten, the wrong-footed John Terry stretches every sinew to block the ball with his big thick head. Marvellous defending, but Giggs should have buried it.

12 min: I'm not sure exactly what time it is in Moscow at the moment, but I gather it's about 7am tomorrow morning or something. Manchester United substiution: a not-very-happy-about-it Rooney off, Nani on.

14 min: Saloman Kalou is a whisker away from poking a Ricardo Carvalho knock-down into the Manchester United goal. A whisker, I say. "I'll see your Clive Tyldesley and raise you George Hamilton (RTE) shining the turd by asking, 'like that night in Barcelona, could we be in for another exciting denouement?'" reports Sean. "Eh, non."

Half-time in extra-time

ET16: Unless somebody scores in the next 15 minutes, it'll be penalty-kicks ahoy!

ET 17: If you're wearing one - and you might well be for all I know - you'd have to doff your sombrero to both sides for at least going for this game in extra time and not just playing down the clock.

ET22: Free-kick for Chelsea, which Didier Drogba sends wide, before giving out about ... I dunno, what he's whinging about at this stage. Is the ball too soft? Did the goal move? Has he developed Tourettes? At the risk of sounding less than impartial, the guy's a disgrace, a complete pain in the hole.

ET23: The following players are all suffering from the effects of cramp: Lampard, Hargreaves, Terry ... never mind that, there's a big bout of handbags involving about 18 players, who are all arguing about the manner in which the ball should be put out of play when seven or eight different players from both teams drop with cramp at the same time.

ET26: The melee continues, despite the best attempts of match officials Michel Lubos and John Terry to sort it out. Didier Drogba gets sent off for a gentle caress on the cheek of Nemanja Vidic, while Michael Ballack gets booked for dissent.

ET28: Drogba walks off and goes to have words with Vidic, presumably to criticise him for not moving his face out of the way before getting "hit". Amid all the scuffling, a football match breaks out. Chelsea are down to 10 men.

ET30: There'll be two minutes of added time at the end of the second half of extra time.

"Barry, I think you've been very harsh on the Irish education system," writes Ian Copestake. "If it wasn't for their openness to the study of a text which seemed to bring out so clearly the misery of a life hitched to outmoded forms ofbelief and traditions, then it wouldn't have inspired the creativity and independence of future generations determined not to be dragged down into same mire."

Penalty shoot-out preamble

Assorted pundits and commentators trot out the usual bull about nobody wanting to see games settled this way. They really don't have a clue, do they? The penalties will be taken into the goal at the Manchester United end.

Manchester United are the European champions. They've beaten Chelsea 6-5 on penalties after Edwin van der Sar got down low to his right and saved from Nicolas Anelka. United's players sprint from the halfway line to embrace their goalkeeper, while John Terry, who had a penalty to win it (he slipped while taking it) buries his head in the shoulder of his manager Avram Grant. Perhaps Eoghan O'Sullivan could transfer that ticket he's bought to the Blasket Islands into his name?

Those penalties: Cristiano Ronaldo's penalty was dreadful - he hesitated in his run-up, making it easy for Petr Cech to save. Needless to say, the penalties of Ballack and Hargreaves, who learned how to take them in Germany, were sublime. Anelka's wasn't the worst penalty I've ever seen, but it was at a nice height for Van der Sar, who guessed the right way.

The presentation of the losers' medals: John Terry is devastated, while Nic Anelka doesn't look particularly bothered. Then again, he has a Champions League medal already. Avram Grant gathers his players into a huddle and addresses them, before they walk up the 794 or so steps to collect their losers' medals. They get losers' medals, because that's what they are: losers. It's a harsh truth, but a truth nonetheless.

It is lashing rain in Moscow. Peter Kenyon and Avram Grant are soaked through - their suits are drenched, mainly with John Terry's tears. Michel Platini presents the Chelsea players with their medals, with Avram Grant bringing up the rear and collecting Didier Drogba's as well as his own. I like Grant and hope he stays at Chelsea. Whether he wins or loses, he invariably comports himself with great dignity ... which is more than can be said for me.

The presentation of the winners' medals: Sir Bobby Charlton leads Manchester United's players up the steps and collects a special commemorative plaque from Michel Platini, who tries to give him a medal as well.With Manchester United's players all blinged up with shiny new neck-wear, Platini hands the trophy to Rio Ferdinand and Ryan Giggs, who grab a handle each and hoist it skywards!