In defense of: Bedbugs

I’m sure almost all of us have gone to bed hearing the words, “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.” Until recently, I took the saying for granted. Bedbugs, yeah sure whatever, good night. But with the recent news about bedbugs on campus, I’ve been thinking more about these nocturnal critters, and I’m here to tell you that, contrary to popular opinion, there are many reasons we should disregard the above nighttime adage.

Let’s start off simply. If you’re not enthusiastic about Princeton’s new arrivals, fair enough. You might just be approaching it from the wrong angle. Having read the article about the infestation in Holder last week, you now know about the procedure of fumigation and heat treatment to get rid of these insects. Look around your room. If it is incredibly dirty, starting to smell like something odd, and you haven’t washed your sheets yet, I recommend inviting a bedbug infestation in for a few days, so that you can call up the University and have them clean and sterilize thoroughly. Take advantage of every opportunity at school, isn’t that what they tell you?

There’s more. Have you watched "Finding Nemo" recently? “Fish are friends, not food.” Same goes for bedbugs: Cimexlectularius(they have a real name ... ) are friends, not foes. If you’re a freshman new to campus, you may have already established some new BFFLs, but you may also be struggling to discover your place here in the Orange Bubble. Find yourself making depressed calls to your parents or stalking high school friends? (Friends? Ok, so maybe they’re actually just casual acquaintances.) Don’t be pathetic. Instead, take a hike over to Holder and knock on some doors. No, don’t bother trying to be friendly to the people whose quads you invade. Instead, ask to see their bedrooms and go collect some bedbugs from their sheets (you can roll around in their beds if desired, but this writer advises bringing a jar and picking up the bugs individually. This means not only that you avoid looking too weird, but also that you get to carefully select your new friends). Perhaps you’re not a freshman though, but are still struggling with friendships. You too can benefit from the bugs. Having roommate issues? Replace them with bed bug pals. Or use the bugs to scare your roommate into sleeping over at their friends’ every night. Problem solved, you’re welcome. Feeling depressed and unloved because you come back from the Street every Saturday to an empty, cold, lonely bed? Grieve no more. Instead, fill your bed with bed-bug buddies, and never feel lonesome again. Those little creatures love your body, even if no one else seems to.

Come to think of it, in this way, you might even end up finding the love of your life. Confused? I’ll explain. Walking around a campus filled with gothic architecture, brilliant students with insane talents and limitless amounts of free food, you’ve probably realized by now that Princeton is as magical as that other magic school to which it is always compared. How does this relate to bedbugs? Bedbugs feed on human blood. They are the vampires of the insect world. So at a place as supernatural as Princeton, I’d bet you a lot of money (I can do that, because we have an endless supply) that one of your nocturnal companions will bite you and, tasting your blood, transform into your very own Edward Cullen. That’s right ladies. Those itchy bites are only the trials you have to undergo before finding your soul mate for eternity. So get bitten. And get bitten again. Because you never know ... third time might just be the charm, and you’ll end up with someone wonderful. Maybe a certain alumwas right after all, and you’ll find your dream husband at school. Or maybe your magic will take a more scientific route. You know Spiderman? Then you should know where I’m going with this. That’s right. Superpowers! Perhaps you’ll find the magical, enhanced bedbug that may or may not have escaped from a lab on campus that will transfer upon you skills like superhuman strength, the capacity to stay up all night, flight or the ability to find your way into anyone’s bed. Those little red bites aren’t looking so bad now, am I right?

So although your initial reaction may be one of disgust or fear, I think some valid counterarguments have been made. I recommend you rethink your hatred of these insects, which have been our companions for thousands of years. In honor of their loyalty, I leave you with this, "Good night. Sleep tight. Bedbugs — they're alright"