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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Battle of the Mascots: The Final Vote

Santa proved slightly more popular than Groundhog in the previous round, and therefore made it here, to the finals. He got a bit snoggered at the victory party, but has since sobered up in time for this last challenge. And I suppose it is appropriate that the two finalists are probably the first two characters people think of, if asked to name holiday mascots. And since people are asked that all the time (we assume), and have been for centuries, it’s a good thing that we are here to decide which is the greatest. You’re welcome. So let’s get to it. Our final Holiday Mascot competition begins now:

Easter’sEASTER BUNNY
VS.
Christmas’SANTA CLAUS

Biographical Timeline
1621: EB first felt his strange affinity for eggs.
1659: Got married, and had 68 kids.
1688: Began bringing eggs to human kids on Easter.
1704: His first grandchild is born, as his total number of children stands at 7,592.
1760: Due to the growing brattiness of human kids, he decides to hide their eggs, rather than give them to them.
1769: First Great-grandchild is born, as his total number of grandchildren reaches 639,400.
1815: Hiding Easter Eggs has the exact opposite effect EB was hoping for, as kids love it, and the concept becomes a big hit.
1857: First G-G-grandchild is born, as his number of Great-grandchildren reaches 90,722,000.
1914-1918: Egg distribution slows due to the war.
1922: Number of G-G-grandchildren reaches 4,625,000,000.
1939-1945: Only black and white dye is used on eggs, due to short supplies caused by war.
1986: G-G-G-grandchildren top 70,000,000,000,000.
2010: Makes it to the finals in The Non-Review’s Mascot contest.

Biographical Timeline
1621: Gets tired of the craziness of Europe, and moves to the North Pole.
1622: A few elves get tired of Europe too, and join him.
1673: Number of good children requiring gifts, reaches 200,000.
1740: Makes a deal with the reindeer that he will stop shooting them for food, if they will learn to fly.
1785: Actual number of good children begins to slip, and drops down to 143,000.
1816: Some enterprising elf—way ahead of his time—invents an assembly line method. Toy production speeds dramatically increase.
1866: Number of good children deserving gifts falls to 62,000.
1934: Santa has way more elves than he needs, so he loans some out to Willy Wonka.
1991: Good children worthy of gifts dips below 10,000.
2010: Makes it to the finals in The Non-Review’s Mascot contest.

The decision now falls to you, to decide who is “The Greatest Holiday Mascot.” Vote by leaving a comment (email votes are no longer accepted—we can’t remember our password) and the winner will be announced on Tuesday.

They both blow chunks. However, when it comes to third worth exploitations Bunny only brings death and misery to growers of the delicious cocao bean while Santa spreads his economic 'love' to any poor region of the world that is willing to provide him with sweatshop space at a DISCOUNT. So I go with the lesser of the two evils and reluctantly choose the stinkin' Easter Bunny. I feel all dirty now.

My decision is made, I mean further confused, by Cal's response. I was going to also go for the lesser of these two losers, the Easter Bunny. Somehow, Cal's response, upon 15th reading, seems to indicate to me that Santa is a bit more charitable than the Bunny. With much reluctance and the need to go to synagogue for forgiveness, I'm voting for the fat guy in the red suit.xoRobyn

I am sorry I didn't make that clear. Santa's brand of 'love' means exploiting child labor in the third world to make his crappy gifts while paying pennies to local landlords who rent him the sweatshop space. Santa is pure evil. The fine Jewish people figured that out long ago. Hannuka might have eight days of crappy gifts but it actually means something compared to what Christmas has become.

That is about the most pathetic example of me answering a comment on someone else's post ever. I am embarassed for myself but as I have no delete button on my keyboard I reluctantly push publish.

Oh Cal, you're making me re-think this whole dual once again. Damnit, I'M SO CONFUSED. You know I was just bullshitting in response to your bullshit, right? You must know that I am ever amused by your bullshit. I appreciate you for it, especially for noting that us fine Jewish people got Santa's number down well before the Gentiles and Mrs. Clause. I'll stick with my vote, though, since I don't want to throw another complication at TS and Rep. They'd have to come up with a rule for changing votes, decide if my reason was justified, whether I'll get a stale donut for being on whichever team loses, and all that. I still vote for Santa and the sweatshops, then, but I hope the less evil Bunny wins.xoRobyn

There are donuts? HEY Robin was promised donuts. Why am I just hearing about this now?

Robin, the fact that TS and Rep haven't worked out the rules so all of us could understand them is on them. OUR balloon juice (the teacher way of saying Bullshit) is all we have to justify why we do anything in this crazy world.

Jeez, you would think the guy was surviving a flood or something with the way he has been neglectful of all of us.

I loved your final answer. It's so compromised and hurts no one. I can learn alot from you Robin. Now pass me my half of that donut.

Don't let any part of your insides die over the donut thing, Cal. TS failed to mention that the donuts are stale. That's how he likes them. Sorry for outing you TS, especially when you're already going through rough times. I just felt the truth needed to be revealed - for Santa's sake.xoRobyn

But Robyn, his refusal to give me even a stale donut is the most hurtful thing of all. I can see if they were new and he wanted to keep them for himself. But to not share with me something that is ten minutes from the trash can is a slap in the face.

Alright, let's settle this whole donut thing right now. I set aside the stale ones just for TS, so even if you wanted a stale one he hogs them all, so you're out of luck. Second, we have recently added donut holes to the mix, so if that doesn't make everyone happy, I don't know what will. Third ... well, I don't have a third, but the winners do get invited to the victory parties by default. And I'm sure either Santa or EB will have something tasty for everyone. So it's clearly a win/win, lose/lose, win/lose, lose/win kind of thing. Clearly.

It is the image of a mighty man who needs nothing but a spear and a fur swimsuit (it's not a peep show around here bitches) to kill any and all of his water born enemies. They know who I mean and you know who I mean.

What does a guy gotta do to get some respect and a donut around here?

Okay, I admit it. I am still bitter about the donut and petty enough to NEVER LET IT GO!

But I do forgive Rep. I too have know the shame of baked goods and how that shame can manifest itself in some pretty shifty and selfish ways. I just hear the name 'Little Betty' and my mind regresses to that time I spent in the Thunderdome.

The most awesome part of this particular comment steam came at the end as people wandered in and without having read the epic back and forth that happened yesterday just quietly place a vote and move on. You would think they would have seen all the carnage but just chose to ignore it. Beautiful.

They both tend to ignore Jews, so I can look at this from purely a neutral perspective. Santa has powers plain and simple. Plus, he's always carrying a sack of hard plastic. Battle is pretty lopsided if you ask me.