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Five Gay Cars for the Economic Apocalypse

With the arrival of the full-on economic meltdown, everyone needs to scale back, even the gays. But cutting corners doesn't mean you can't remain chic. Here are five extremely used—but still compelling—cars you can usefully utilize in the hard times to come, one for each of the core homosexual (vehicular) body-types.

1) Wagon: 1979-1985 Mercedes 300TD

Though the Benz boys have made other Touring vehicles in the hundred or so years since they invented the automobile, this one is the classic. It's gay in an understated, but solidly tasteful kind of way: casual, slow, lilting, but oh so elegant, like your decorator, or Bill Blass. On the fiscal doom side, the 300TD is powered by the venerable Mercedes 5 cylinder diesel, often referred to as the most durable engine ever created—regularly running for over a half-million miles—so there'll be none of those troubling repair bills (at least on this component). In addition, you can easily get this powerplant converted to run on used restaurant grease, and you know that in a down-turned American economy, there's going to be plenty of cheap fried food being consumed, so you're guaranteed a steady supply of fuel. Finally, the rear seat folds down, creating a relatively large space where you (and your dog, and maybe one small friend) can live.

2) Convertible: 1989-1997 Mazda Miata

The punch line to every straight a-hole's joke about what a gay car looks like, Mazda's modern take on the British roadsters of the 60's and 70's is, in truth, Gay as Hell. I personally wouldn't be caught dead driving one in public for fear of having eggs thrown at my face, but the numerous private times I've driven my friends' Miatas I've found them fiendishly fun (and so cute, I just want to Gay Marry them). The first-generation cars are tinnier the current model, somewhat underpowered, and often a bit beat up, but thus Great Depression-style cheap. And they're Japanese-level reliable, as long as you take care of them (and don't get them stolen by joyriding teens and flipped into a frozen lake, which actually happened to one of my pals). Okay, they have only two seats, making them not exactly family-friendly, but now that our economy's spiraling down the shitter, you're going to need to cut that surrogate loose anyway, third trimester or not.

3) SUV: 1981-1991 Isuzu Trooper

Everyone knows a fag who's bought (or lusted after) a vintage Land Rover. They represent a gay fantasy of some mid-century, Graham Greene, closet-case, Ambassadorial lifestyle, with lots of slim suits, afternoon cocktail parties, and cute native pool boys. But while the Land Rovers are durable enough to trek across African deserts, or be used as the lead vehicle in a tribal warlord parade, they're by necessity heavy and overbuilt, rendering them inefficient for our frugal times. Fortunately, I've found a viable substitute. Built big and upright like a classic British safari vehicle, but with a tiny underpowered four-cylinder engine and a whining manual transmission, this is the first generation Isuzu Trooper. More a poor-man's Toyota Land Cruiser than a budget Land Rover, the Trooper lives up to its name,(as long as you don't let it touch road salt; if you do, start counting backwards from one and watch it dissolve). On the big-time plus side, it was one of the few vehicles ever to come equipped with an altimeter—that's a device that tells you how high you are above sea level—a feature which will come in especially handy during the next impending global catastrophic event: rising tides.

4) Truck: 1981-1985 Volkswagen Rabbit Diesel Pickup

You own a gay landscaping business, so you claim that you need a big truck. But how much (ahem) equipment are you actually packing? A mower, a weed-whacker, some clippers, a few hand tools, a blower, and two or three pairs of nail scissors? Well, it's crunch-time, sister. Time to take the loss on your Ram Hemi. Fortunately, the economy's collapse coincides with the end of grass-growing season, so the only thing you need to cut is your fuel bill. Thankfully, you can pick up one of these for about what dealers will be offering you for your gas-swilling, year-old Quad-Cab: a Volkswagen Rabbit Diesel Pickup. This little baby is Economy Class all the way: it has only enough room inside for you and your carry-ons, is strictly B.Y.O.E. (bring your own everything), and will sit three across only if someone is inside the guy in the center position. But it gets about 45 m.p.g., looks weirdly stylish, and has a fully functional cargo bed. I know: it's German. But, fortunately for those of you who don't like to give your pink dollars to the inventors of the pink triangle, this particular Vee-Dub was built in a domestic plant in Pennsylvania. Get some body colored paint and white-out the V-O-L-K and E-N on the tailgate, and you have the gayest truck in the world: the back of it will read S-W-A-G

(polls)Your job's been eliminated, your condo's been foreclosed, and your Acura has been repo-ed. Your boyfriend left you for someone who wouldn't dare ask him to economize by substituting Smirnoff for Belvedere. Your closest friends are riding things out in an off-the-grid modular down in Belize. Leaving you with nothing but a schedule of minor cosmetic procedures to organize your days. And you have to get to them somehow (you're not going to let Kasia, Gio, and Des'ree down in this time of crisis). So, you buy one of these: a late model Honda Accord. It's still got the "cachet" of being Japanese. It's efficient and dependable. And as soon as you replace the purple neon washer nozzles and boomin' coffee can exhaust that the kid you bought it from installed, it will be a very stealthy vehicle, useful for slipping under the gaydar of the window-smashing neo-fascists who are sure to be on the rise once this depression really gets some traction, or the Children of Men-like crowds of angry urbanites out hunting for seemingly valuable gay prey.