What Your Hairstyle Says About You

Fauxhawk

You suffer from a peculiar delusion that permits you to look in the mirror, after working your hair into a crusty knife edge down the middle of your skull, and think, “Yes.” You would like to be a rebel, as long as being rebellious doesn’t involve doing anything actually illegal or scary. Maybe some E on the weekends. You have an obsessive need to fit in with the rest of the shoppers down at Hollister, which means you won’t have this look for long. It’s not your fault there’s a hole where your self-identity should be. You can take the man out of the suburbs, but you can’t take the suburbs out of the man.

The High And Tight

Hoo-ah! Thank you for your service. You are in the service, right? Either that, or you coach wrestling at the high school, which is a job you got after your discharge from the service. Your digital watch is set to 24-hour time. You’re a damn nice guy, as long as people agree with you. You are a strong supporter of the second amendment and suspect that someone is trying to — or might soon try to — take away your guns. You don’t dip anymore, unless you’re drinking (or shooting your guns). You own at least one four-wheel-drive vehicle. You’re not sure what the hell this country is coming to, but Glenn Beck will reveal it all soon enough.

The Side Part

You are what they used to call “a square,” and even if that slang has since been retired, your hairstyle limps along. You are wholesome, predictable and conventional. "Good marriage material," your girlfriends’ mothers always say. Yes, and a bit of an empty vessel. You make responsible decisions about money (of which you make considerably more than some smart-ass writer cracking wise about hair). Your one indulgence: country-club memberships. People give you a lot of ties. You were in the marching band in school. Odds are good you’ll run for public office and be ruined by revelations about all those kinks you’ve been hiding.

Mullet

You enjoyed a brief flush of internet fame when that video of you with the trampoline and the toddler went viral. Anyway, that was the most exciting thing to happen in your town since the marathon of Ice Road Truckers down at Hooters. As a point of pride, you’ve never traveled outside of the domestic United States (but you will admit, if pressed, that the French are pretty good at making toast). Stories about high school still dominate your social interactions. Your favorite color is camouflage. You can’t wait for Jet Ski season. You have one (or possibly all) of the following tattoos: your ex’s name, Lynyrd Skynyrd’s logo, a bald eagle wrapped in Old Glory.

Buzz Cut

You might be in boot camp. You might be an amateur triathlete. Either way, you can do a lot of push-ups. You never met a sports drink you didn’t like. The shaved head serves a double purpose: It looks like a phallus and leaves you with more time for road runs and UFC matches. You have a copy of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People at your bedside — a gift from your aunt, but you’d rather wait for the movie than read it. Whatever you’re into, you’re into it all the way. (Alternatively, you might be merely hiding your baldness, in which case, the above doesn’t necessarily apply).