Husbands Can't Wait

Your children are not the only ones who need your attention.

There is something new afoot in the world of marital counseling these days. It's on television, on radio, in books and online. Everyone seems to be talking about it. What's this big news? (Drum roll please). It seems that men (read husbands) have needs too.

A lot of men are starting to speak out. Not in anger, but in pain. Men who feel that whatever they do, it's not enough. Men who feel constantly attacked and criticized. Men who feel neglected and taken for granted.

This troubling issue has many causes and manifestations. One significant factor in men's diminished satisfaction seems to be the birth of children.

What exactly am I saying? Certainly not that fathers aren't equally overjoyed and enamored of their offspring. Certainly not that they love them any less (sometimes more) and wouldn't lay down their lives for them.

In fact it's not the children themselves that are the exact issue but the behaviors of their mothers.

From pregnancy onward, women turn inward. They may be nauseated, they are definitely exhausted, and they are distracted by the miracles taking place within their growing and now unfamiliar body. These symptoms lead to a certain pulling back from their husbands and a decreased focus on their needs.

This situation, if not checked, can only worsen after childbirth. Not only is there more exhaustion (and more and more), not only are there more physical demands and sometimes discomfort, there are other emotional demands as well. And after all, don't the demands of an infant, toddler, young child, teenager...come before that of an adult? Our husbands can wait.

But the truth is they can't. And neither can our marriages. While some of our children's needs are obviously immediate (a crying infant comes to mind), others are not. I'm all for holding babies but it doesn't have to occur 24/7. Husbands need holding -- literal and figurative -- as well.

All relationships need nourishment. Husbands and wives need private time away from their children even if it's just 15 minutes locked in the bedroom! They need time to connect, to talk, to just be alone together.

The gift of a strong marriage is a greater gift to your children than driving them to one more piano lesson.

Not only can't your husband wait until the kids are grown to resume your relationship (and he probably won't!) but you can't either. You will have more to give to your children if you feel your husband's love and support behind you.

The gift of a strong marriage is a greater gift to your children than reading them one more book or driving them to one more piano lesson.

In addition, it's healthier for our children (at the right age) to learn delayed gratification, to recognize that all their needs can't be attended to immediately and that people outside themselves (like their parents!) have needs also. It's better for them not to feel like everything and everyone revolves around their wishes and desires.

Sure men make mistakes in marriage too (that's for another article), but this seems to be a uniquely female error. The mother-child bond can be so intense as to foster the illusion that no other relationship is necessary. But that not only destroys a marriage, it damages the child as well. That suffocating love is not a healthy environment for the full actualization of individual potential and the achievement of successful adulthood. And whatever naive hopes you retain about the possibility of this relationship satisfying your emotional needs will quickly be shattered by the advent of adolescence if not sooner.

It's a real shame that we've become so focused on being super parents that we've forgotten to be super spouses. Because that's really our first and last priority. Husbands are starting to speak up now. I just hope their wives will listen.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 53

(53)
Stuart Kaplowitz,
December 29, 2013 4:22 AM

So True!

And wouldn't it be wonderful if we guys did a better job of expressing our needs. Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT

(52)
Anonymous,
June 3, 2013 5:17 PM

I'm Living This

This is one of the greatest articles on topic that is out there. I'm living through this very scenario now and it looks like, unfortunately, that it will end in divorce. Like the author said, everything changed once our oldest was born. It seemed that her mother had a switch that flipped from wife to mother and that was the end of that. Because we got married later in life we decided to have a second child and what attention there was that was paid to a marriage quickly became less than nothing. Repeated requests for a date night, or even just a walk outside were rebuked. She was either too tired, didn't trust a babysitter, didn't feel like it, etc. I even told her that I didn't feel that she still loved me. I had seen many of my friend's wives (several who had more kids than us) writing long paragraphs on social media about how great their husbands were and how much they loved them. I had asked her for an occasion text just to say "I love you" or "I miss you". Her response was that she was too busy. It got to the point that I told her how much pain I was in and she said "you can't be in that much pain, you're still here". That did it for me. We are now legally separated but I hold out hope that she will "see the light".

(51)
Anonymous,
February 21, 2012 7:50 PM

You make good points....

Yet, and this would have to be a much larger article, but sometimes in less than perfect world, we are given a huge, huge problem...an ill child. That is what we lived through. I TRIED all I could to do it all...tho' I was not working away from home (that was not possible with an ill child) but when he came home, he was not available to help hardly at all. So that meant that yes, he had less of me too. If a husband will "step up to the plate", tho' it was not something one wishes for in life, nor asks for, I think the wife will have a bit more to give to him too. We need to sleep ocassionally as well. We, unfortunately did not live near kin, or much of any reliable person to help out. We made it, but barely. HaShem was my only help most of the time. And now, as an old grandma? I have many health problems. I do wonder if I could have slept more, would I now be healthier? Guess I will never know an answer to that.

(50)
Anonymous,
February 20, 2012 12:54 AM

What if your husband does it

My husband insists on putting the toddler to sleep every night and I am alone.

(49)
Anonymous,
November 29, 2011 8:42 PM

How to be more a life at night after a hard day?

As a woman, being pregnant and having 3 little kids under the age of 4, I am so tired and with out energy at night. Me and spouse are very frustrated. Please give us some ideas to be more a life at night after a hard day.

(48)
Anonymous,
August 8, 2010 6:06 PM

I think some people dont realize...

... when you put your husband's needs first, you are doing more for your children than by taking care of them the second they have a complaint: you're giving them a loving home and happy parents. I have only one child, an infant, (at the most vulnerable state), but I know (from seeing many very successful marriages, especially my parents and in-laws) that one of the best ways to give to your children is to make them feel loved and that they are in a loving home! My siblings and I always felt more taken care of when we saw our parents showing love for each other, and it was always us, the children, who sent them out for "date night"! Kids want to see their parents love each other--it makes feel secure and loved.

(47)
Steven Burda,
March 29, 2010 6:11 PM

Very true!

This article pretty much hits on the nail. VERY VERY true!
- Steven Burda

(46)
Steve,
October 29, 2009 4:31 PM

Just a comment

Spot-on. Keep up the good work!

(45)
Anonymous,
October 12, 2009 10:48 PM

I agree with every thing in that article, and yes, I am a woman. The most important thing in a marraige is your HUSBAND! The greatest danger is when a woman begins to lock her husband out of her life by not letting him make his own mistakes when caring for the children. The first time you held, bathed, or fed your baby, you didn't get it right either. But when you criticize your husband for his "rediculous" mistakes you hurt him, and send the message that you DON'T want him to help, rather you are happier and better off when he's not there. So, naturally, he'll find other hobbies to keep himself busy. And then you'll complain about his being "absent" and "emotionally withdrawn" while you "slave and cook for him" and "take care of his children." Finally when the children have grown up, they'll be running to escape from your grip, and you'll be left alone with your husband--a stranger to you after all these years. What I said above is from most of my own observations, as well as influenced by the book "Woman to Woman" published by the Artscroll series. Every woman needs to read this book!

(44)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2009 10:39 PM

Wow!!

Finally...someone gets it! Thank you for giving me and probably thousands of men the voice that is not heard enough these days. I think too many women play the role of martyr these days as if to satisfy some artificial sense of worth embodied in a completely fictional character known as the "supermom". Husbands and fathers have many more demands being placed on them these days too and do a lot more than even a generation ago. Yet the stereotype still exists of the lazy dad sitting on the couch watching the football game. No one would dare criticize a mother or wife for spending too much time on the phone. That's considered acceptable behavior, that's what women do. I'm tired of the double standard, and I am one of many men who I'll bet are thankful for this commentary that gives us voice. If I here one more self-righteous woman tell me to step up and be a mensch I think I will get ill. Those of you who speak this way wouldn't know or appreciate a good man if he walked up to you and said hello. Wise up! Appreciation works both ways.

(43)
also anonymous,
June 2, 2009 9:03 AM

Comment 30 is so right

Anonymous comment 30- I so agree with everything you wrote. I use to have a negative attitude that my husband should do everything for me because I work so hard, etc. Then I thought about all the positive things he did do -there are some good things in even the least involved husbands if you look hard enough- and I began to really appreciate him and express that. He totally rose to the occasion and then some. Women are the ones who set the tone in the home. Complain if you want but it won't make it better.

(42)
Ruth,
May 26, 2009 10:18 AM

I agree with Deborah's response

Too much is expeteted of women these days, full time careers, raising the children, running the household, taking care of their husband's and childrens' needs, always putting themselves last. Many husbands do not contribute to the enormous effort and want only to complain they're not getting enough attention. Well, if they feel that way it's probably because of a dysfunctional childhood - they need to get in touch with that, get over it and step up and behave like menches - surely their wives will give back 10 fold (just think, many wives DO IT ALL and never get help, thanks or appreciation!

(41)
malaikah79,
May 21, 2009 6:19 PM

women have to wait why not men?

Yes as women we tend to gravitate towards our kids. PLease as men and grown adults also look at this look at the kids first we are the nurses cooks maids dry cleaner coach teacher tutor taxi and mom often times all inone day now in that same day we are secretary nurturer launderers cooks maids errand runners for our husbands lets get started on the house that we have to care for and look after through daily duties and if the house gets messed does anyone look to the husband, then if there is the luxury we get to do something for ourselves even a bubble bath instead of a short shower, now how many men can fit that all in 24 hrs. Why cant men wait if women have to also?

(40)
Annette,
May 16, 2009 10:34 PM

who else do you want him to kiss at the end of the day? or even, first thing in the morning?

I can't believe some of you women are forgetting that men ARE human & yes! they are Men, and as such have emotional needs too! why do you forget this?
when you put him down, you are putting yourself down - you know? that guy YOU agreed to propagate with??
A little humour goes a long way, a teaspoon of honey goes further than a litre of vinegar. For both of you.
why is it so easy for us to become so imbittered and mouthy towards him?
Try lunch together once a week. Religiously.
Cheer up and involve him in your life, and then turn around and let yourself be involved with his! that's how you make it & keep it 'yours'.
When I was younger I 'had' to go snowmobiling in -32C (almost -32F) 'because there was a full moon and it was beautiful at midnight' - as if I cared! I hated it! and I hated freezing my petunies!
and may you grow through humour.

(39)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2009 12:48 PM

Article Needed Different Title

I agree with the sentiments expressed in the article, but after reading some of the comments in response, I think the point the writer wanted to convey may have been lost in the language used in "husbands can't wait."
I certainly understand how my wife's needs come first in many many cases, probably the majority of situations. I think the premise should be that *husbands need nurturing too*. Not that we are dependent to a fault. Not that we are entirely self-focused. Not that we are not wanting to be the most devoted and involved fathers and husbands that we can be.
But that we need our wive's nurturing. I think that is the best words for it. We need their encouragement through our parnoso challenges. We need their support to fulfill our tzibur obligations, whether in prayer, learning, or other community needs. With this as a foundation- I know I would function even better in all areas of my life knowing that my wife *can relate* to them, just as I should to her! That is my definition of harmony. They need to have the security, physically and emotionally, to thrive as mothers and wives. We need their unique abilities to nurture, show compassion, and support us in the various areas of our lives, which I am personally very proud to fulfill being her husband!

(38)
Deborah,
May 10, 2009 11:04 AM

Disrespectful and wrong

When men step up and behave like men their wives usually respond. The Torah expects men to act like men, not like whinging babies.

(37)
Overwhelmed,
May 9, 2009 9:55 PM

men can't wait?

Men who come home from work AFTER their wives have dealt with carpool, supper-time, homework-time, bath-time, bed-time, call-from the-teacher-time and everything else involving the kids should expect to find tired wives at the end of the day. We love what we do, we often do it without as much help as we would like from our husbands, but we are not super-human. When a couple becomes parents, the dynamics of the relationship change. A husband will have to learn to cope with less attention from his wife, just as a wife has to adjust to her husband's long hours at work as his responsibilities grow. Why are you telling wives that they should expect and accommodate infantile behavior from grown men?

(36)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2009 1:34 PM

If it is true, as you said above that "it's healthier for our children to learn delayed gratification,that all their needs can't be attended to immediately and that people outside themselves have needs also."It's better for them to not to feel that everythng and everyone revolves around their wishes and desires." Then, isn't it true that it is healthier for our husbands to learn THE SAME THINGS...??? Shouldn't our husbands learn "delayed gratification" and that "all their needs can't be attended to immediately?" and that people outside themselves, people including their wives, have needs also? that "everything and everyone doesn't revolve around their wishes and desires?"

(35)
Marcia Weinstein Steinbrook,
May 7, 2009 7:42 PM

A funny thing happened on the way to the chuppah...

A college professor who has been happily married for 30 years and also enjoys being the mother of two great young adults, may I suggest that instead of so much hard work and worry, spouses try to meet life with a little more perspective and a lot more humor? A wise granny advised a friend of mine when she was a new bride, "If your kitchen floor looks better than you do at the end of the day, your husband will kiss the floor instead of you when he comes home from work!"

(34)
yy,
May 7, 2009 3:26 PM

another perspective

I agree that wives (and husbands) should make sure they have alone time together, despite all the demands of parenthood. But some aspects of your perspective are very different from my experience, and from the point of view of a shalom bayit source I trust (Garden of Peace by Rav Shalom Arush). One of the principles of the book is that men need to focus on giving, not receiving. They need to go out of their way to make sure their wives feel that they're the most important thing to them, not just wait for the woman to treat them like kings. I'd say more but this book and its message are meant only for men. Its message is very wise and useful -- I recommend it for all men. Also, in my experience (as a husband), my wife always wanted to have lots of time with me even when we had infants -- it was up to me to put it in practice and make sure we had time together, even though I was always busy with other things.

(33)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2009 1:49 PM

it takes 2

Ttere are so many things that couples go through in life. pre-marital counseling should be utilized so that there is communication. After four kids our marriage still feels like it needs work everyday otherwise it seems like it goes down the wrong path. Couples definitely need rituals that are apart from kids/birthdays/etc.I believe most spouses yearn to feel connected with a partner aside from their countless other pursuits. the pitfaals in life are definitely there all the time outside your confines of family. both spouses should always look to the feelings of how kids would feel if they saw their parents act in infantile ways of getting attention. Being a parent is never going backwards to those free days. hopefully you have found your soulmate or the one you can grow in spirituality with. This article is slightly alarming in that it condones childish behavior. Men should be taught how to real men acc to jewish way as well as women should be taught not to be too demanding.

(32)
SusanE,
May 6, 2009 9:37 AM

Good Article

This is a good article Emuna, Jewish women need to see and read it. I don't find the same attitudes about marriage and children in the wives and mothers small in my community.
For the past several years of reading the comments from women on Aish, the thread through all the comments is that raising children, and being a wife is a huge BURDEN. They say it's endless hard work. Oprah Winfrey on her TV program gives women reason to bemoan their lot in life saying 'Motherhood is the hardest job in the world'. First of all it's NOT a job. It's living the life you choose. These women have no joy in their children. They take no joy in being part of a family. The women say belittling, mean-spirited things about their husbands. They constantly whine about their life. The women behave like a selfish child instead of a 30 year old mature woman.
The Single women lament about not having a husband and children. The women with a husband and children lament about the responsibility of Having a husband and children. Argggggh.

(31)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2009 11:55 PM

Comment # 5

Anonymous comment #5 asks what to do about this problem, and I think that is where there needs to be an approach that includes both husband and wife (which a lot of commenters mentioned is necessary). None of the ideas originate with me, but come from greater experts on shalom bayis (some come from Mrs. Braverman herself!).
1)Find a few minutes to chat each day and to truly listen to the other person. 2) If there is money for it, find a babysitter to help with nights out together, or even housekeeping help so wife/mom isn't so stressed out by the time dad/husband comes home. Husbands should look on such expenditures as for their own benefit, not just a chessed for their wives, and should help with these arrangements. 3) Wife should make at least a little effort to look nice for her husband, even if it's just putting on lipstick before he comes home or wearing his favorite color or outfit. 4) If you are cooking dinner, don't just think of what your kids want to eat, but what your husband likes to eat. Make it and say, "I made it for you!" when you serve it to your husband. 5) Tell your kids that you love and respect their father, that you like to ask his advice, that you look forward to seeing him at the end of a long day.
If you know your spouse, you can probably think of lots of little things that he would like you to do or say that make him feel like the most important person in your life. If you make a small effort with a genuine desire for success, Hashem will make it successful beyond your abilities alone.

(30)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2009 10:44 PM

Do it for yourself!

I cannot believe how many women disagree with the author, accusing her of overlooking the mother's needs. As a mother of four young children, I can say from experience that YOU will benefit most from putting your husband first!! I believe that women are the ones who can better influence and initiate a cycle of goodwill in marriages. Happy husbands who feel appreciated and loved tend to be caring, helpful, and attentive. Bitter, unhappy men, on the other hand, become cold, withdrawn, and insensitive. You are only punishing yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life pointing fingers and complaining how much you do. Besides, if it's the kids you're worried about, believe me: improving your marriage is the best thing you can do for your kids!

(29)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2009 7:48 PM

so important! tips...

Recently I was in the position of being a young mother of 2, working full-time, and dealing with untreated post partum depression. No family nearby, not a lot of close friends, no money for household help, and before Pesach my husband was working 50-60 hours a week. NEVERTHELESS, we have always found a way to make time for each other. If I could do it, you can. Yes, there is "a right time" for everything, and the time to spend time with your spouse is NOW. Don't feel like it is one more responsibility, look at it as a way to take care of yourself. If you take time for your relationship, YOU will also feel more cared for and better about everything.
In terms of practical tips, realize I am only talking a few minutes, a few times a day. Yes, it would be nice to have a couple hours for a "date night", but I think it is not practical for a lot of people.
Make eye contact & look directly at your husband whenever he comes or goes from the house, and tell him you love him. If you say it with sincerity and a smile, he will respond in kinds, and you will feel treasured as well.
Once you have put the kids to bed, even if the baby might be waking up at any second, take 10-15 minutes to talk to your husband. Let the dishes wait (or use plastic), skip the vacuuming this time. If he is doing something else when you have time, say "Honey, I feel like we don't spend time together anymore, and I miss you. Will you come have a cup of tea with me?" Even if he is in the middle of something that he really can't interrupt, he will know that you are trying to re-connect, and he will probably respond by seeking out other opportunities to spend time together.
If you know you will be too tired to spend time with your husband in the evening, try getting up early to have a quiet breakfast together. or, drink some coffee in the early afternoon to help you get through the evening. If the only time you have even 5-10 minutes is when you are going to bed, use that time - but don't try to talk in bed, one of you will just fall asleep! Take a few minutes to talk over a cup of tea before you hit the sack.
If you are feeling overwhelmed right now, this may seem like just too much, but please, please try. You will be a much better mother and a happier person if you yourself feel loved, treasured, and cared for... and the way to make sure that happens is by making some time to spend with your husband, and give him the opportunity to remind you how he feels.

(28)
Elana,
May 5, 2009 4:38 PM

Worst Article Ever!

What is with this writer? How can you even contemplate even asking for attention for someone who is an adult over someone who is a baby? Have you ever had kids? Did you ever stay up all night taking care of the baby? Needs...what about the woman's needs? This is the time for the spouse to step up to home plate and divide the chores, which will never be in half anyway. Who is the one who carries the child for nine months thru vomiting, weight gain, peeing every minute, and yes, giving birth? You expect me to concentrate on anything else at this point? Believe me, I would give back ten times the attention later on and be proud of my husband if he had held me up during these times. Women do so much more than men in general, especially nowadays. Full time work, full time mom, running the household, chores, appointments, school work, etc. Don't forget we must look good at the same time we do everything else. Women should be held up on a pedestal. Stop putting down women, men are lucky to have us! Wish there were men who do half as much as us women!!

(27)
Brina,
May 5, 2009 8:53 AM

husbands need to be partners

If husbands truely see themselves as partners with regards to children and childrearing they will then better be able to share in a full and complete marriage.

(26)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2009 7:43 AM

Once again it is all about the MEN!!! What about the man giving his wife what SHE needs? Where are the positive comments to her? The husbands can't wait? Of course not because they are as demanding as the newborn infants and the growing children. Having children is a responsibility for both parents and therefore both have to make a commitment to the upbringing of the offspring and to maintaining and growing the relationship. Men don't have to wait they have to put in a huge effort with the children and with the spouse too. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP not an ego boosting ride for the husband.

(25)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2009 6:43 AM

Yes, I agree, but.......

When my children were babies, I fell into this pattern, but it takes two. My husband felt neglected but instead he poured himself into his job. When we had a newborn, I moved into the guest room with the baby so he could get his sleep to work the next day, not because I did not want to be with him. I was the one who arranged all the "date nights" until the effort to bring his interest felt useless- he may have felt neglected, but I thought he wasn't interested. I just gave up and devoted myself to the kids. It has taken several years to rebuild a bond. Husbands have to do their part in keeping the communication lines open.

(24)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2009 5:01 PM

husband

Thank you for this insightful article (not your first). It does not diminish the great sacrifices that mothers make to point out that husbands have needs to. You are also right to point out that a well-meaning mother influenced by the current popular culture can give too much attention to a child, to the detriment of the relationship and ultimately of the child. This is not a politically correct view. (Hurray!)

(23)
Benjamin,
May 4, 2009 3:23 PM

Husbands and wives need to agree on priorities together.

This article was a little difficult for me to read because, as men, we are conditioned to be reliable providers for our family while remaining strong and dependable -- even in a whirlwind of chaos. I would be personally embarrassed to ask *or* demand that anyone appreciate me. Nevertheless, what the writer has proposed is true.

I grew up in a family where my siblings and I always felt loved, but we knew we came second to our parents’ marriage. A babysitter watched us at least one evening a week when my parents spent time alone, bedtimes were strictly enforced, and we would have never even thought of asking to sleep in our parents’ bedroom. This style of parenting has fallen out of favor. Sadly, some may even describe it as selfish, cruel and uncompassionate.

I don’t think the solution necessarily involves husbands begging, pleading and engaging in a primal scream for love and recognition, but rather husbands and wives deciding together that their first priorities lie with Hashem and with each other.

(22)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2009 12:22 PM

Seating here, dealing with postpartum depression, I can't imagine putting this on myself right now. Everything in it's right time, no? Women do so much, maybe it's time we cut ourselves a break. If you have a need, you need to ask for it to be filled. That's a universal responsibility. I'm not a mindreader, and probably neither are most women.

(21)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2009 12:20 PM

bravo! beautifully said!

To Emuna, great article! We were just discussing this last night! To all the comments that men should "grow up and learn to speak up and help to get attention," that's all good and well so long as the man WANTS TO. If he feels overlooked, underappreciated, and rather unecessary, he won't put himself out there to be at his harried wife's beck and call. He may try, but if he doesn't get any recognition, you better believe he'll find other things to do with his time. We still don't have a date night, but I think this may just be the thing to buckle me down into committing to one. Thanks again, Emuna!

(20)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2009 7:43 AM

Be a mentsch

or, a husband could step up and be a mentsch, rather than regressing to an infantile state to compete against a newborn for his exhausted wife's attention.

(19)
s,
May 4, 2009 2:25 AM

Motherhood

It's the hardest job, mothers deserve a great deal of a appreciation, but we still need to remember to make time for our spouse also

(18)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2009 2:24 AM

It's a couple's issue, not just the woman's problem

I am a prenatal teacher living in London. I deal with this exact issue in my classes, in fact we talked about it yesterday. I feel that the focus of this article is extremely one sided, making everything the woman's fault. However, it does have a point. The dads-to-be in my class confessed they were concerned that their partners would shut them out in the new wonderful mum-baby bond, so I encourage them to ensure they kept the couples bond alive by setting aside a "date night" or day, or whatever, for themselves as a couple. My husband and I no longer have small children at home but we still have our date night once a week and we've been married for almost 42 yrs. However, whilst the "fault" might be marginally more due to the new mum/baby bond in the beginning, the Dads have equally to answer for their preoccupation with work, and this preoccupation can carry on far beyond the childrearing years. Indeed if we didn't keep up the tradition of our date night, I might hardly see my husband some weeks, as he comes home from work at 7.30 and has a chavruso at 8, which ends when I am just about falling asleep. Couples have a responsibility to *each other* to keep the relationship alive.

(17)
Wive and mother of 3,
May 4, 2009 12:37 AM

I find this article appalling and disrespectful to both husbands and wives

I think it's about time that we start treating husbands as rational adults instead of emotionally immature children. A lot of them truly deserve it. Strong marriages come from both spouses feeling appreciated and taken care of by each other. Starting with the premise that "Men who feel neglected and taken for granted" will result in creating more resentful and unhappy wives, and it's not good for either marriage or kids. Concentrating on being gratful and protective of their significant others (instead of spending most of their energy complaining how unappreciated they are) is likely to produce the emotional balance withing families that both men and women seem to be missing.

(16)
Moshe Leib,
May 3, 2009 9:09 PM

I am a husban

I could not agree with you more. In both aspects physically and emotionally it diminishes after pregnancy. I try to help as much as I can but she doesnt realize that I need here emotional and physical support.

(15)
m,
May 3, 2009 9:01 PM

this is right on the mark. having a bab 6.5 weeks ago i can see what you are saying 100%. thank you for help opping my eyes up to what is oing on in my home now.

(14)
Rachel,
May 3, 2009 6:55 PM

Oh, here we go again...

...can this author PLEASE try a new tack? I'm sick of hearing from her about how men have needs, kids have needs, one's own parents have needs -- yes, that's all true, but in my parents' marriage and my own, I discovered that if you and your spouse work together to improve the lives of those relying on you, it can't help but have a positive effect on one's own marriage. Stop mom-bashing, Ms. Braverman.

(13)
Chava,
May 3, 2009 5:01 PM

I have to wonder if Abigail is married.

I'm going to be the dissenting voice that says this is a trivial, pop-psychology treatment of a very complex issue. I'm a mom of 8 kids ranging in age from 17 to 1 year. I work. Just today I've gone on a field trip with my 3 year-old, carpooled for 2 b-day parties, had a daughter who had a surprise party for her b-day, have a community dinner that is tonight...and that's without my flooded basement, workers in my house, the recent batmitzvah party and visiting in-laws...and on and on and on. Yes, husbands and relationships need attention, but it's all too easy to point a finger at mom. Too many husbands become like one of the kids and just one more thing that needs to be done. I feel lucky that I have a husband that does a lot, but even with that, there are certainly times I want to scream "you want time and attention???? TAKE A NUMBER AND STAND IN LINE!"

(12)
Eleanor,
May 3, 2009 4:00 PM

Excellent point !

It certainly needs to be said! Add working mother & special needs child to the mix & it's even more daunting. But at the end of the day, women need their husbands & men need their wives.
Speaking from my own experience, making time for each other can't wait.

(11)
malka,
May 3, 2009 2:39 PM

thanks

Thanks for the awareness.

(10)
Joe,
May 3, 2009 1:02 PM

Well Said

Great article. I'm surprised so little is written on the subject.

(9)
Bob,
May 3, 2009 12:56 PM

Yes It Does Hurt!

Grandchildren cause very similar problems and ALOT OF WIVES, MINE INCLUDED! tend to put their grown children and their offspring in the wrong priority thus causing problems. When approached "THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT WILL BE" take or leave it! That really hurts! I voiced my opinion and told her that" I Want My Wife Back" to no avail!

(8)
MS,
May 3, 2009 12:37 PM

One dimentional

Mrs Braverman, your article is very good and there is a lot of wisdom in it.
However, I do not think that you can disconnect husband's errors and leave these for a separate article.
Oftentimes, men are so self-centered and do not tune into the emotional needs of the pregnant/post-partum/young mother (sleepless nights)'s needs. A husband has to know (and if not he should go for training)that each stage of the women's life has its unique emotional needs and if the husband kicks in when the wife needs it, he will usually get back what he needs to.
A woman who feels overwhelmed and that she is in it on her own will resent her husband and turn away from him.
Having said this, I do believe that spending 10-15 minutes a day of private time (not just before you go to sleep as one of you are bound to dose off)to catch up and stay tuned on each other's day and life will certainly help.
Thank you for a great article.

(7)
thankful wife,
May 3, 2009 12:03 PM

thank you!!!

I was not understanding my husband until I read this, thank you soooo much for giving me his side of the story! May H' give you and your husband Shalom Bais until 120! Thank you!

(6)
SusanE,
May 3, 2009 11:56 AM

Tend to the Needs

I hear women saying 'I want to have a baby'. I've never heard a woman say I want to give birth to a 25 year responsibility, and grow it from a baby to an independent adult.
I hear husbands say We're trying to get pregnant. I've never heard a husband say I want my wife to have my baby, and I'll work for 30 years, to feed it and school it and get it married. Even if I am pushed to the siddelines of the marriage.
I doubt that they discuss raising children as thoroughly as they do building their new house. or even which restaurant to eat at that night.
They plan their vacations in more detail that what each will contribute to child raising.
I can't imagine what a man is thinking if he wants to get married and raise children. I think that the 50% of marriages that fail is the tip of the iceberg. There is another 25% that also fail but the spouses stay together. She is wrapped in home and kids, and his needs are being met somewhere outside the home.
I don't condone that but I understand why it happens.

(5)
Anonymous,
May 3, 2009 10:19 AM

So what do we do?

We know that husbands are our first priority, but do you have any suggestions on how we can practically carry this out?

(4)
Jeff,
May 3, 2009 10:04 AM

Men share some"blame" as well

From a young age, boys are taught that we don't show our emotions...that we are to "be tough." The result is that adults we hide our emotions as well as our "needs" -- often until it is too late. I wish the article had recognized that women are not mind-readers!

(3)
Aron,
May 3, 2009 9:51 AM

And Jewish husbands appear to have it worse.

When visiting the homes of my gentile friends, I'm almost always impressed by the soft-spoken, pleasant & respectful manner in which the wives address their husbands. Not to put them all on a pedestal, but this is the usual situation. And again, almost always this is reciprocated. Unfortunately such is not often the case in Jewish homes. Indeed, some of my Jewish male friends have confidentially told me that they've become literally sickened by the shrill, whining, perpetual criticism from their wives. Believe me, this contrast does not go unnoticed by our youth, & it surely has a lot to do with the exploding rate of intermarriage.

(2)
DrJ,
May 3, 2009 9:43 AM

ThanQ for this article...

While your message is not germane to every marriage, in relationships that it does apply, women should introspect and ask themselves if the primary purpose of their marriage is to raise children. Those who answer in the affirmative or who are willing to place their husband's needs on hold for many years, are at high risk for divorce. If the husband is made to feel that he is low on the list of your priorities - and if your attitude toward him reflects this - look out! A man who works diligently to support his family may have to deal with much stress, frustration, uncertainty, and indignity in order to provide. The home that the Jewish woman fashions for him, provides ideally an oasis, soft-landing, and shelter from the pressures of the ouside world. How will you provide this for him if his needs always come after the needs of your children, family and friends? What is the message that you are sending? I would urge every woman to consider this carefully, because while men make mistakes and do stupid things, a positive home experience for him -shalom bayit- will give you tremendous influence in his life, and help to mitigate any of the tragedies that occur in families in our communities... Putting all feminism aside, Jewish women are vastly empowered in determining the course of their marital and family relations by paying attention to the details in their relationships with their husbands.

(1)
Abigail,
May 3, 2009 9:01 AM

Wives are wasted on husbands

I often feel that wives are wasted on good husbands. So many of my male friends feel overlooked, and their needs are not being met -- there's not even the attempt to meet their needs.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!