Monogamy

Relationships Are Changing. What Does Monogamy Mean In 2014?

Monogamy, Honestly

The late author Peggy Vaughn wrote a bestselling book called The Monogamy Myth. Despite the title, she actually argued (after having learned the hard way when her husband cheated) that couples can make monogamy work.

“The best hope for monogamy lies in rejecting the idea that a couple can assume monogamy without discussing the issue, or that they can assure monogamy by making threats as to what they would do if it happened,” she wrote. “Either of these paths creates a cycle of dishonesty.”

Her solution? Being more honest about your desires so that you don’t act on them. “In making this choice, both partners realize that attractions to others are likely, indeed inevitable, no matter how much they love each other. So they engage in ongoing honest communication about the reality of the temptations and how to avoid the consequences of acting on those temptations.”

But Dr. Wolfe warns that whatever your arrangement, honesty can be dangerous. “There are huge consequences to being honest,” she says. “To get along with each other and to keep things smooth, we don’t necessarily want to say things that will be hurtful. You might get an insight that someone doesn’t want to hear a certain thing, and the ultimate consequences might be worse if they knew.”

Probably the best bet is for couples to talk about their arrangement early on. What does monogamy mean to you? What would be a deal-breaker — does a coffee date count? What about a Facebook flirtation?

And you’ll have to keep the discussion ongoing, since people’s needs change over time. The old model, where extramarital flings were kept secret, may have been dishonest and hypocritical, but it was a lot less emotionally complicated. There’s no easy solution — except, as Dr. Wolfe says with a laugh, “If it’s not working out that well, try something different!”