Tuesday, June 30, 2009

For two years after my then husband left I remained faithful to my vows. I am not sure it was deliberate. But it is true. Getting divorced was a real heartbreak. I had imagined and believed that my then husband would be the last man I ever shared this body with. Marriage was and is sacred to me. When it was over, thoughts of sex crowded my mind. I was inundated with lustful thoughts...I have a HUGE libido....LOL!

I thought I would fall into dating naturally. I thought all that I remembered about being "out there" would serve me. I mean I used to be good at dating, casual sex, one-night stands, etc. ...a decade and a half ago. TIMES HAVE CHANGED! and so have I. What I knew before does not apply right now. It took me awhile to come to the realization that I needed to not concern myself with dating...sex...causal liaisons. That I would turn my focus toward spiritual and artistic discernment. It worked...it is working.

And HE arrived. Reconnecting with me from a long ago past. We were lovers...too young...too headstrong and oh so passionate. Neither one of us could handle the deep fire. We torched everything in our wake. We burned brightly for each other. We grew apart. We lost track of each other. We remained cosmically connected...I could feel his presence every so often just at the edge of memory. Love remained.

Last night we made love. Fiery, passionate, screaming, uncontrolled. Over and over and over. It was as if the heavens aligned the stars for our ascension into ecstasy and once there...we fell back to earth...breathless.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The last couple days have been overwhelming. We've lost some entertainment heavy weights. It is a personal loss for those of us who grew up watching Farrah Fawcett on Charlie's Angels...who could resist that big million dollar smile! I can't even begin to process my feelings about the King of Pop, Micheal Jackson. I am not going over his life story. I am not giving voice to his troubles. I've known trouble deep and wide and death didn't rescue me. I get to live on.

What I have learned in the face of loved ones dying is that its not their dying that distresses...well not so much solely...but I think its the regret. The regret of not saying, doing, being near, calling, connecting, staying with that love. It hurts. We always think we have more time to say, do and be what our heart desires. The reality is we only have right now. Right now is hard to process. We all spend a great deal of time looking out to the horizon. Thinking about tomorrow, the next day, the day after and the days after that. There is no way to balance that. There is only accepting and living with a full heart in every moment you get. That's it. That's the gift.

We all have unrequited loves...created by our own hands. We are the master planner of all our regrets and longings. We all have sat in the space of regret...and why didn't I? That's the death...that's the thing that breaks our hearts when we lose someone...did I do enough?...did they know that I loved them?...what else could I have done to show all that is in my heart?

Farrah Fawcett and Micheal Jackson are larger than life reminders that in the end, it truly is about love. Love is the thing that transcends...money...wealth...education...material trappings.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Being in love means being open to who you are in this moment. It is about living in truth. Love is the answer to Who are you? and what do you want? If you can answer those questions you get to your divine truths. You realize your authentic self. Once you open the door to joy and acceptance you can never sit in the dark again...unless its time to go to sleep.

Falling in love in the best sense empowers me. It stretches me to go beyond the ordinary. Everything becomes more vivid. My thoughts are joyous, my mood is light and nothing hurts.Falling in love is a gift that gives even after the one you love moves in another direction. Part of the gift of love is the person sharing, but a bigger piece are the good vibrations that attach to your spirit and carry you further.

The Love Supreme and I are taking a bit of a break. These last several days of intense conversations...touching and meeting of the minds is heady. We are drunk with desire. We need to push away from the table for a few minutes to get our bearings. Love is divine.

In these moments of respite I have come to realize that his gift to me isn't so much him...but him, as a catalyst for this extraordinary sense of love blossoming. I am not concerned about where this love goes. It is what it is... right now.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Commitment. Commitment in the face of hardship and uncertainty. That is Tango. You have to have absolute trust. Absolute trust in yourself and in your partner. It is hard but you have to keep at it. There is no quitting, only practice...do...practice...do. This is the Tao of Tango.

Last night I got comfortable with the basic 8 steps. I practiced. I did it. I practiced. I trusted my partner. I had to commit to his leading. I had to yield to his mis-steps. I had to be confident in his ability to lead me. He did. It took the whole class but by the end, we were going around the room nonstop!

It is no accident that I am learning the Argentine Tango as I am falling in love with someone whom I've loved my whole life. The passion in the dance and the Love Supreme is breath taking. It is pure nirvana when you hit the steps. When he touches me...kisses me. The Tango and The Love Supreme are in sync. It is about passion and living in high definition. It is living the belief that Love Waits On Welcome Not On Time.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

All of my actions about seeking love did not match what I knew about love and what I wanted for love. I was prepared to live a life resigned to managing loneliness. It was not deliberate. I did not wake up and say let me live in black and white and trudge through my days. I did not set out to make my children the only source of my joy. I talked about love and was hopeful for love, but couldn't get in gear to make myself available to love. I was resigning myself to manage my loneliness.

Love waits on welcome, not on time...Course Of Miracles.

No matter what happens in this rediscovered love supreme. I can't go back to Black & White. I am in High Definition! and I love it. I am vibrant and excited and passionate. He did not bring HD to me...but he certainly empowered me to flip the switch.

I truly understand what it means to live with passion. To feel your blood coursing through your veins. To sit in someone arms and look them in the eye and hold their gaze with love and admiration. I am at home with this new found passion. It suits me. It makes me more of a woman. It connects me closer to the divinity. It says I am alive every second.

There is no going back. No matter what the outcome. No matter if there is or isn't a future with him or anyone else. Life is meant to be lived in High Definition. That does not always mean loud and crazy. It means feeling everything that life brings, gives, is.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Yesterday was one of the most perfect days ever. We cooked together, we ate together we laughed together. It was divine.

We are suited to one another in all kinds of ways. We share the same sexual energy. We didn't have sex...just all day foreplay. I love the way he takes me in his arms...the way he pulls me close. I love the way his tongue explores my lips and he pulls me deeper as if to swallow me whole! I love the sound of my name on his lips. I love the strength of his arms wrapped around me.

He folded my towels. He tinkered about the kitchen preparing salmon cakes...I sneak in hugs and kisses. He laughs and tries to shoo shoo me away but yields anyway. I keep buzzing about. He is sweet sweet sweet!

I had forgotten what this kind of passion felt like. This sense of heat and desire. This wanting someone so much that you ache to your core. That when you are with them all you want to do is touch them...feel their breath on your neck...in your ear. My back naturally arches when he draws me near. The body has memory. I bend and surrender...with joy.

This has been a 35 year love affair. Complete with loss and other loves...lovers...and more loss. Even now we are both free, but not free. He is wounded from a life of poor love choices and I, just healing from a marriage betrayal. We are at odds in own lives and leery of walking out on faith yet again to reach for the brass ring of LOVE. COMMITMENT. VOWS.

I have loved him for my whole life. I will love him for my whole life...even if now is not our time, yet again.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I just discovered this song by the Phenomenal Gladys Knight. She elevates Jamie Foxx singing ability. I thought this was a perfect song to capstone the week. Hell it's a perfect song for the year!

Jamie: mm-hmm oh yeah

Why do I feel like my heart is broken Whenever I surrender my emotions I thought I could tell you how I feel Whether good or bad When I'm happy or sad

Gladys: Why do I have to be the silent one Whenever there is something on my mind I thought that we were partners in this game of love Why cant I laugh or cry And shed my feelings deep inside

Chorus: I wanna be loved by somebody Who's strong enough for me I want to be free with my feelings That's the way it's supposed to be I'm willing to share my emotions And give you what you need Just dont turn away If I say that I just want to be me

Jamie: Why am I questioning where you are Gladys: It's just because I made a few demands Remember all the times we cried And I dried all your tears Jamie: And how I held your hand Gladys: If you do just understand

Chorus

Gladys & Jamie: I want to cry tears of joy And not of pain I want to share this things that words can not explain Dont want to go I just need for you to know That this love is not just sweet but strong And for you to keep holding on Cause

Chorus I wanna be loved by somebody Who's strong enough for me I want to be free with my feelings That's the way it's supposed to be I'm willing to share my emotions And give you what you need Just dont turn away If I say that I just want to be me Just dont turn away If I say that I just want to be me Just dont turn away If I say that I just want to be me

Thursday, June 18, 2009

You know you can just start again. That is my ephiphany...start again. Ha!

I did something foolish yesterday...I reached out to someone knowing full well it was going to be a waste of time. But sometimes what you know and what you do is at odds with each other. So I am starting over. I am falling back into my stance and starting again. Leaving mess right where it is.

When you step back and survey the landscape you can see very clearly where the mess is. What you thought was romantic and quirky is now annoying and insipid. And all the reasons you decided to break away are still very true. We go back because we are lonely...anxious...desperate for attention and affection. Not focused on what's in front of us. I have been on this vibe for the last several blog posts. I've been foolish...rather a fool. I've been manipulated and seduced. Trust me I was not an unwitting victim. I was duplicitous in this in equal portions. I needed the distraction. I needed to play.

Playing in this manner is over. I can start again. Wipe the slate clean and move forward. No agonizing over whys... just cutting my losses and starting again.

We can start again. We can leave crazy right where we found it and get ourselves down life's road. I have learned a valuable lesson about people and how they present themselves, what they say and how they really live. Don't believe the hype. Look closely at the messenger...because the message is seductive and does not make any sense.

There is a real sense of growth in my life. I am so not the same woman I was 3, 2, 1 year ago. I have covered a lot of ground. But there is still more ground to cover...more excavating to be done...more me to become. Fall back...start again.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I am learning that when I am bored, lonely and desperate for attention I choose foolishly. I want to reconnect with what I already thrown away. Walked away from. As if coming back around is going to somehow be different. It is these moments of insanity that trips me up and I suspect a whole lot of folks.

We lean toward the familiar. We know this devil. And therefore we brace ourselves and charge in full steam. Disregarding all the hard work it took to undo the foolishness. Are we crazy? am I crazy? No we are not. I found a quote from Debbie Ford that was buried under some papers:FEAR AND RESISTANCE ARISE WHEN YOU DON'T TRUST THAT WHERE YOU ARE GOING IS BETTER THAN WHERE YOU'VE BEEN. AH HA! THAT'S IT! What drives us back to mess is our own fears that nothing else will come back around. That perhaps this mess could be fixed. The old mess might be worth salvaging. This trips me up every time. And it runs contrary to what I know: THERE IS NO CONVINCING IN LOVE. And this is what I am doing if I am still holding out hope that this mess could be salvaged, re-worked and made shiny and new.

WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

These two small questions have the power to change our lives. We have to be open to the answers but most importantly we have to ask the questions first.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

He has returned. He has been missed beyond words. 35 years of friendship. We've always been metaphysically connected. We have always been in love. He has returned.

We met when I was 10 and he was 11 years old. His family lived 3 doors down from us. I had 3 siblings, he had 10! We all played together, tag, flag football, kickball...oh my God lots and lots of kickball until the street lamps came on and our mothers would call us in.

I went to a different high school in a neighboring town, he went to the neighborhood high school. It was the summer of my 14th birthday that he professed love for me. He didn't kiss me until I was 16 or so. And when he did kiss me, that was the kiss that all others would be measured by.

That first kiss and all the kisses we enjoyed with each other became the standard...platinum standard! No one else has ever come close. No one.

He went off to college first. We wrote and called each other. Then I went off to college, we wrote and called each other. One summer we made a pact..a contract of undying love and commitment. We swore that we would marry someday. (he stills has his copy of the contract)

So he is back and I have so much I want to say. He is a gypsy. Never really putting roots down. Always unfinished business somewhere in the world. He has been married and divorced. He has had love affairs that have all fallen apart. He has always loved me.

We lost touch over the years. When I got married he stepped back. He disappeared. Every once in a while I would run into someone from his family...his Dad, Mom, Sisters, Brothers. They would always say you know "him" he is here, there, everywhere. When my very public scandal played out. He called me. Wanted to see me. I refused. I knew it would have been more than I could bear in those moments. He whispered words of undying love and support. And then he disappeared.

So he is here and we are reconnecting. Laughing and talking about old times and old friends. Back in step with one another. I don't dare go beyond right now. I know he is moving on. He is always moving on. I get the sense his return has meaning to me and my life. Everything that connects to me is divinely appointed. This is a gift.

A principled man, kind, generous, witty and loves me just how I am and only sees my beauty and does not put any stock in my faults, shortcoming and frailties. He thinks I am amazing!

It has been a marvelous friendship. A love story that endures...continues on. Our love story makes room for who we are. His love is the gift I need right now. Soon he will be gone. I believe I am supposed to see love like this. It is a reminder and preparation for what comes next...who comes next.

Monday, June 15, 2009

There are few things in the world that will make me drop someone from my life 1)being a bully- physically, emotionally and intellectually; 2)being petty...mean or ungenerous in small or trifling things: a petty person.

Being petty is manipulative. It shows how small you are when you withhold your time, affection and spirit in an attempt to act out against some imagined grievance. I seen pettiness in the most actualized folks I know. My first response is to ignore it...even laugh it off. But that gets old and my patience is short for that kind of small mindedness. It is hard for me to be petty because I care so much about what and how I say things to people. I am not a grudge holder and I work hard at letting go of petty shit thrown at me.

Letting go of petty people can be hard if you care about them...love them. But you get tired of their behavior. You get tired of their snarky remarks. Their constant maligning of your personhood. You get tired of them never raising you up but always finding fault. This is personal to me. It is emotional to me. I feel everything in the world. I am clear about what makes me happy and what makes me joyous.

The use of language is a divine gift. To speak with bitterness and contempt and calling that real talk is small...petty. Pettiness is about all the worst insecurities coming forth.

Trying to hold onto petty people is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die. You can't do it. And if you look at the life of petty people no one ever stays. They can't stay if you have strong self esteem. You can't stay if you prefer happiness.

I am releasing my connection to those who are petty and small. They add very little to my intimate life. It's about knowing when someone's part in your story is done. It's about getting what you need and moving on. It's about getting the lessons that petty people give you and moving on. If you stay you run the risk of losing who you are and accepting someone else's version of who you ought to be.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Last night was my first tango lesson...Argentine style. I was thrilled. Nervous. Excited. Ready. It was hard physically and intellectually. Physically, I don't have good balance--I am in poor physical shape. Intellectually it was was hard because as a woman you have to surrender the impulse to lead...take over.

Tango requires trust. Absolute trust. Willingness to be led. Even if your partner isn't strong you have to follow. Hhmm this was HARD. My first impulse is to correct. Takeover. Lead.

As we were switching partners throughout the class, I noticed very clearly that when I had a strong partner I was a better partner. I was more able to allow my partner to lead and I take the cues and follow. But when my partner was weak, I was weak and it was hard to stay focused and get our bearings. I could feel frustration setting in.

Tango is already teaching me something more than the art of walking. It is teaching me the art of surrendering. Trusting. And doing it all with grace and passion.

I am convinced that the Divine is using the Tango to teach me more about who I am and what I want.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I came across this quote at the end of the book by Rachel Sarah Single Mom Seeking. Her Sister-friend offered her that sage advice. It resonated with me in a big way!

It is difficult to articulate how my life is recycling through a pattern of past relationships. I recognize the same issues in people that I have in my life now. For me it means that I get to choose differently this time. Very much a do-over just with a different cast of characters. But the elements are the same. The personalities are the same. There are a few characters who are who they were back then. They have shown up now. It is amazing to see.

Looking over the landscape of my life. I realize I don't like any of the cast of characters that are present. Been there...done that...and so over it! I am so over Men who are emotionally crippled, not fully developed, whining, and always surrounded in drama and more drama. I am tired of men who are sort of intellectually interesting and highly self actualized but have so many other character flaws that you can't overlook or get past. I would have tried in a previous life. But I've grown and I recognize I am not in the behaviour changing business, nor am I in the convincing business, nor am I in the this-is-all-I-get-so-I-settle business.

I can see where I can make different choices. I can cross the street. I can leave crazy on the curb. I can leave drama in the theatre. I can leave ambiguous and uncertainty in the park. I don't have to deal with any of that madness at all. I am more of myself and I can feel it. I can stand in my own life and be much more discerning about who I share my time and heart with.

I want more. To get more I can't go back to the things that only offer me less. I know that script...played it! This thought carries over into every aspect of my life...DON'T GO BACK FOR MORE WHERE THERE IS ONLY LESS!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Who are you? and what do you want? I am still with this. These two simple questions haunt me. They are following me around like lap dogs, love sick puppies, whinny babies. To answer requires layers and layers of truth telling. It is simple and hard. It is joyous and scary. To answer them means some things have to be let go of. Some things have to be released. Some things have to be pushed away. This is why we are all stuck. and those that are not stuck have answered the questions and the universe has opened and said HERE...ENJOY...LIVE...LOVE.

We are not answering the questions because we are still negotiating with ourselves about our truths. We want truth but not at the expense of giving up anything. We want to keep all the mess that keeps us unhappy and away from what we say we want. We believe we can wait out situations, lovers, jobs. We are in the convincing game even though we say we are not. If we just go along and things are seemingly good then the questions are tucked away or buried or band-aided. And yet the longing for deeper connections and love nags like a dull tooth ache. We know we are not joyous and we are fine with just making do. We even mock being joyous on a regular basis. We ask who is happy all the time? I say why aren't we happy all the time! And why do we have to accept being unhappy at all.

Too much of joy is tied to the external. Too much of what we want is dependent upon something or someone yielding to our desires. If they say no, or the situation does not provide us with what we want, we are sad. We are dependent on the external to give us full and complete joy. We don't want to be alone....at work, at play, in love, in life. But here's the punch line: YOU ARE ALONE in your skin. And the gift is that you have to be joyous from the inside standing on your own and understanding that the divinity is within.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Looking back on when I startedHad a lot of sun and a lot of rainI had some joy and been broken heartedBut now that doesn't mean a thingI'm living for the joy and laughterLonging for my befores and aftersAll in all it's been coolAnd there's nothing I wouldn't doI'm so happy being me

All those hidden treasuresFeeling nothing but pleasureWe could never replace, His love (We can't no we can't no)The sunlight leads us to a place and the moonlight keeps us in His grace ohhhhhhhh yeah Ohhhhhhh whoooo whoooo ooooooooooooI'm so happy happy being me

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

There are so many people roaming the earth in a great deal of pain and heartache. I am amazed at the amount of pain, drama and heartache people live with everyday. And even more amazing are the lengths people will go to medicate the pain. Eating, drinking, sex, constant drama and my personal favorite, accepting what's in front of you as love when your heart longs for a grander deeper connection. Trying to make unfulfilling relationships into something that they cannot be. Always in need of a band aid but not seeking the cure.

I am not standing in judgement. I know all too well how to band aid pain. How to ignore pain. How to keep on moving forward with a broken heart. We have become so accustomed to pain that we just accept it as a part of how things are. We defend the pain, we nurture the pain, we make room for the pain.

Owning who you are is the beginning of pain emancipation! Doing the necessary work of discernment and authentic self analysis is critical. Who are you? And what do you want? You only get there when you are tired of being on your knees in negotiation with GOD. You only get there when you are tired of begging the night for relief. You only get there when you DECIDE to stop lying and living in mess. You only get there when you are ready to own your life. You only get there when you begin to believe that YOU are magnificent.

Everyone loves to say "there are no do-overs" That you get one chance at life. But I say there are do-overs...EVERYDAY THAT YOU GET is a DO-OVER! What was true and real yesterday does not have to be true and real today. Believe that whatever yesterday brought you, does not have to be owned today. I am not suggesting ignoring realities. I am suggesting that you change your mind about how they affect you. What is your reality and is it bringing you joy this moment? If not?...then why are you accepting it? So this is my internal conversation, my period of discernment. This is my band aid emancipation. I am giving up pain.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

As I said, I can feel the shifting in my life. I am coming into a new phase. I have come far. Further than even I could have imagined three years ago! Looking back I am in awe. Coming through at each turn was harrowing. I wish I could say I was strong through it all. I was not. There were moments when my thoughts were so dark, the pain so great, that I was blinded by it all. But God held onto me. Held me and lighted my path, dispatched angels to whisper words of love and comfort. Ensured my breath for the next day and the day after and the day after and the days after that.

My past, my right now and my future are laid before me. I can see where I've been. I can see where I am and I am excited about where I am going. The blessing is standing in my life and fully embracing my truth(s). Shutting out the noise of the discontented and those that would share their unsolicited opinions of who I am.

My inner strength is the foundation for standing in this life and embracing all of me. I am the one that I want and need and love. I am committed to radiating joy, peace, laughter and love. Say what you will. I now who I am.

I am feeling very good today. I felt very good yesterday. There is a light heartedness to my spirit. At the moment not too much rattles me. This is the meaning of real peace.

So far I am better than OK. Even as I write this post I am smiling...laughing. My life is feeling good and I am good in it. I am not too worried about tomorrow. I am standing in my today.

Monday, June 1, 2009

This is definitely a new phase I am entering in my life. I am open for all the good things to come in and take residence. However I am also aware of a new found attitude...stance if you will, of not tolerating a lot of madness and mayhem. At this stage in my life I have learned a few things. Things that propel me forward in my thinking and my living.

Of late of I've learned to stop thinking about my life from a place of lack...money...relationships. Those things that I think I lack are not true. I have them. I have all that I need to sustain. I want more and that is fine. Wanting does not negate the contentment of what I have and the what is. Wanting is not negative at all...unless you want to do things that are not in alignment with positivity and personal development...but I digress.

Allowing my mind to focus on what I don't have ignores all the good that I do have. I am learning to be mindful of that kind of thinking in all areas of my life. For example if there is something scheduled for a certain time...a few of us show up on time...but the host says....I am going to proceed when everyone shows up. The host is operating from a place of lack. Totally not being grateful for the folks who showed up on time. Putting more concern on the one's who are late...giving them more value. There are many instances in my life where I am focused on the lack.

Focusing on lack is directly related to how you make decisions about your life. You stay in mess too long. You convince yourself that if I don't keep this thing or the other, that I won't get anymore...there's no more to be had. When we are still and honest with our feelings and thoughts we will realize that operating from a place of lack is RIDICULOUS! But yet we work ourselves into a frenzy of desperation. Convincing ourselves that what we have is fine and that if we work harder it will become all that we want.

I am gaining a great deal of clarity around the notion of lack. I am looking at all the areas of my life and seeing where lack is showing up. Where lack was directly responsible for the decision made. And you know what? I can make new decisions!