Firestorm Not Her Fault?

John Kerry, speaking at a Martin Luther King Day celebration in Virginia last year, said, "I remember well April 1968, I was serving in Vietnam, a place of violence, when the news reports brought home to me and my crewmates the violence back home, and the tragic news that one of the bullets flying that terrible spring took the life of [Dr. King]."

That date was April 4th, 1968, but according to Kerry's own Website, it was not until November 17, 1968, that he reported for duty in Vietnam.

Firestorm Not Her Fault?

Nearly seven months after her wardrobe "malfunctioned" during the Super Bowl half-time show, pop-star Janet Jackson now says the resulting firestorm wasn't her fault, telling Genre magazine, "I truly feel in my heart that the president wanted to take the focus off himself at that time [due to the situation in Iraq], and I was the perfect vehicle to do so at that moment."

Jackson then says Michael Moore's new film "Fahrenheit 9/11," "just confirms it." But President Bush never criticized Jackson, and, in fact, told reporters he was embarrassed to admit he missed the whole thing.

Not Even An Iota?

Just days after North Korea called President Bush an, "imbecile... and a man-killer ... [who] puts Hitler into the shade," the country is now extending its sympathies to the U.S., saying, "It is the greatest tragedy for the U.S. that Bush, a political idiot and human trash, still remains in the presidential office of the world's only superpower, styling himself an emperor of the world."

The North Korean government, via its official news agency, says President Bush lacks, "even an iota of elementary reason, morality and ability to judge reality."

Special Weapon Saving Insurgents?

A sheikh fighting coalition troops in Fallujah says insurgents there have been able to fend off American forces thanks to a new special weapon. What is this special weapon? Why, it's a plague of black-haired spiders the size of chairs, sent by Allah.

Sheikh Al-Sumide-ey says, "If [the spiders'] hair touches the human body, within a short period of time the body becomes black or blue, and then there is an explosion in the blood cells in the human body, and the person dies." But, he says, "it is possible the media does not know about [this]."