14 keys to putting “love” back into relationships

Relationships are one of my most favourite areas of my life and have helped me transform the most spiritually and personally.

They have been at the root cause of some of my deepest wounds and also given me the most profound experiences of joy and oneness.

The one you love can trigger you the fastest and also make you feel loved and special in a heartbeat. One moment you can be on top of the world and the next in the dumps.

What if you could learn how to overcome the challenges, proactively handle the triggers and create a fulfilling relationship life where you feel juiced up and excited with a deep sense of comfort and togetherness?

What if someone shared the keys to relationship success that enabled your love life to transform from the inside out.

Through time I have learnt what to do and what not to do to enable any relationship to grow, thrive and flourish. Here are the 14 keys to putting the love back into relationships from my heart to yours:

Go out on a weekly date night – Date night is not once a year on St Valentine’s Day! It is at a minimum every week for the rest of your lives together. Even if you have been with your partner for years, reigniting that old spark regularly is critical and a weekly date night seems to do the trick. If you live apart, then book in that weekly Skype call, treat it like a date night where both of you get dressed up and order a special meal to eat together over Skype.

Laugh frequently – Learn to laugh at yourself and the little arguments and fights. I notice my sister and her husband are really good at this. Whenever it feels like a little argument may be brewing underneath, they just catch themselves and laugh about what they were going to get worked up about in a moment.

Listen deeply to each other – Being listened to and feeling heard can be so intoxicating in any relationship. It creates closeness and safety. By listening, I mean truly being present and not agreeing or disagreeing, just listening. If your partner asks for advice or help, only then to offer it.

Get to the root cause of your triggers – Your partner is going to trigger you more than potentially anyone else, as they know you intimately and will know exactly which buttons to press. When triggered, instead of making it about them, use the experience as a springboard to dive deeply within and discover the underlying psychology of what got you so worked up in the first place. I love Emotional Freedom Techniques to peel away the surface trigger and help us to get to the heart of any matter with the Advanced Techniques.

Be honest with each other – I feel being truthful and honest is the best prescription to any relationship. When expressing yourself make the issue about you and how you feel and not about them and assigning blame. So for example, “When you said you would call and you did not call I felt heart-broken because I really missed you and was looking forward to speaking with you and I realised one of my triggers for me is when I am not in contact with you is that I feel sad and lonely on the inside as I love you so much and just getting a small phone from you makes my whole day and I get to walk around with a big smile feeling so happy and content on the inside”. This art of communicating with love to create enable, harmony and balance is shared during Breakthrough Coaching with NLP.

Resolve conflicts by understanding their perspective – Conflicts are bound to occur in any relationship and one of the most powerful ways to resolve them is to understand what might be going on for them and to be clear on what is going on for you. The process is known as Perceptual Positions taught during Breakthrough Coaching. The way the process works is in your mind’s eye (inner imagination) you step into the world of your partner and breathe how they are breathing and feel how they are feeling and gain their perspective which will ease into shifting your perspective automatically and give you the exact steps as to how to resolve the conflict on the inside and also with your partner.

Make the time to connect intimately – Intimacy is when all your barriers are down and you can look into each others eyes and just be yourself. You feel safe enough to openly share your dreams, hopes, fears, failures and successes. Where you feel unconditionally accepted, cared for and supported, free from any and all judgement. Intimacy can be emotional, mental, physical and sexual. All are equally as important and the ritual of the love play can invigorate any relationship. Having an emotionally seductive communication can be just as attractive and erotic as spending time together in each others arms making love. I love this quote on by Berhard Guenther on the real meaning of Intimacy. This quote is simple yet profound and will awaken and enlighten you.

Have empowering beliefs that enable understanding – Some really great empowering beliefs from Breakthrough Coaching known as presuppositions are:

Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available

There is no failure, only feedback

The one with the most flexibility always wins

Understand there is just a mirror between the two of you – Whenever you are triggered by them, know that there is a mirror between the two of you, i.e a reflection of the issue at a deeper level. In the words of Newton every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Though your partner might have not been communicating you, be mindful of the fact that it might not be related to you but just being there can make all the difference to them! Be aware of how they are feeling about life in general and what you can change for yourself and your partner to feel happier.

Discuss sensitive topics face to face – Face to face communications are always the best, especially when discussing delicate matters. The chance of mis-communication while speaking face to face is highly reduced. Messages sent by text and chat can be mis-interpreted or mis-understood.

Share these phrases as often as you can and when you share them really mean it:

I love you

I am so lucky to have met you

I am so grateful that we are together

You are the greatest gift in my life….I love you because….(end it with what they require)

Spice it up! – Be open to being spontaneous and doing things in the spur of the moment. Do romantic gestures that your partner finds exciting, engaging and enthralling. One of my friends, on her fiancé’s 26th birthday, paid him a surprise visit and in her suitcase she had 26 gifts all wrapped up individually. She had given thought to each of these gifts to make their time memorable, loving and kind.

Be kind and compassionate to yourselfand Love yourself first – Random acts of self-kindness can do so much to nourish and nurture the soul. Treating yourself the way you want them to treat you creates that vibration between both of you. Because you cannot give love to anybody. When you love yourself, the love is automatically shared. Nothing is more attractive than a partner who takes care of themselves, is confident in themselves and can love free from expectation. The Journey is a beautiful process for self discovery, healing and love.

Do something just for yourself every week – In any relationship it is important to get “me” time, where you either spend time on your own or go out with your own friends and pursue your own interest. Time apart gives both partners space to appreciate each other even more.

So these are the 14 keys to putting love back into relationships. I hope you use them to enable your relationships to grow, thrive and flourish. In fact many of these tips are applicable to any relationship not just the one with your significant other.

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