Monday, April 07, 2014

Warning: Some People Aren't As They Seem

Let's get real.. I mean really real. I've decided that it's been awhile since I've been vulnerable on this blog. I think the most vulnerable I've been was when I posted those awful photos of myself right before I decided to start working out again in a post called, "Mommy Haley Wants To Be Wedding Haley Again." I was reading through an old diary the other day and I came across some pretty funny and more shocking entries from when I was a kid. It inspired me to write about this one time.. that I'm definitely not proud of.

Perhaps I should have come with that warning...

I'm ashamed of myself for being such a nasty, little kid. I was sweet as pie on the outside and a complete asshole in the inside. Seriously. I could be so mean and I have no idea what made me this way. I could blame my siblings for my bad language, sure. But other than that; I have no idea why I used to be such a brat. This awful story I'm about to share is one I am completely ashamed of, but I already said I was going to get really real, so I guess I'm hooped and have to spill..

I'm riding the bus and there's this girl in my grade three class that no one likes. She's disruptive, immature and overall a real pain to be around. She wears her mom's cream coloured, silk nighties over top of her clothes. She clearly has a lot going on in her life and I so wonderfully added to her misery one morning on the school bus. She was curled up on the seat crying and I remember walking by her and feeling a bit of pity for her and as quickly as the pity came, the down right cruel and nasty took over and I spit on her. My bus driver twisted her body around and told me that she was going to write me up for such disgusting behaviour. I was completely mortified and ashamed.
That day after lunch, my grade three teacher asked me to stay for a minute during recess. I was horrified. I was totally busted, she knew, she must have known! She sat me down and told me that I was her nomination for The Christian Leadership Award that year. Say whaaa???

Oh yeah, I mentioned earlier that I was sweet as pie on the outside because I was. I was polite, a model student and a total teacher's pet. Nothing mattered more to me than being the first Student of the Day in September and the first to be called to 'watch the class' when the teacher stepped out for a minute. I was little miss prissy perfect. I actually hate that that was who I was back then, but that's who I was. To make matters worse; I could be really mean and nasty when I wanted to be and I hate that quality about my nine year old self much more.

The following day my vice principal approaches me and asks if I 'spat' ( I still hate the use of that word.. lol.) on Jade Winters. I tried out my best acting skills (which still do not exist) and denied that this happened. I told him that I did remember sneezing towards her and that it was possible that spit may or may not have come out of my mouth... resulting in this horrible act I've been accused of.

Needless to say; I didn't win the Christian Leadership Award that year, or any year after that.

Jade Winters asked to be my friend on Facebook about five years ago. I added her. Then about a year later, I decided that I hadn't seen her in over fifteen years and having her as a friend on Facebook was just because I felt bad about spitting on her all of those years ago. Before I deleted her, I wrote a private message, apologizing for what I had done. She said that she didn't remember me ever spitting on her. I'm not sure if she did or didn't. But it doesn't matter. I learned that doing something like that was not acceptable. It doesn't matter how annoying or immature a person is, it is never okay to treat a person so badly.

Now that I'm 28, with a child of my own I am completely horrified with my nine year old self. What the hell was wrong with me? What was going on in my life that was leading me to be so nasty? Why didn't I feel compassion for someone that was going through pain in her own personal life? Instead I just jumped onto the Mean Train and proceeded to help everyone else make her life hell. But it's silly to try and figure out the 'whys' in life... I'm not sure why I did what I did, but luckily I didn't continue with that kind of behaviour. I can say that I'm a pretty good person. I do have a tendency to talk behind backs a bit. I agree with people when I don't always want to because -
1. I don't understand the content and agreeing is easier and less embarrassing than admitting that I don't understand..
2. I have a hard time with conflict. I don't care enough to disagree because getting into a debate is the very last thing I'm up for.... ever.

I think everyone has qualities that they don't like about themselves. I don't like that I agree with people when I don't always want to. I hate that I find myself talking about people I care about because I know all about the golden rule and am aware of when I am breaking it! I also don't like that I don't have the guts to disagree with someone, or that I find it physically painful to tell someone that what they are doing is bothering me. I don't like to make others feel uncomfortable, so I avoid the conflict because let's face it; I don't like to be uncomfortable either!

Oh and I managed to dig up the diary entry about this very story ... it's pretty humorous to read me squirm. I even prayed to God.. in written diary form! I deserved it.. all of it!

Suddenly it's becoming clear the why behind my shitty little behaviour. I didn't mention; I grew up in a trailer park for ten years and... I can see that the other kids in the neighbourhood maaaaay or may not have been influencing my behaviour...

8 comments:

I used to lie all the time as a kid. And it took me ages to realise that was really ugly behaviour. Luckily I realised this before I became a teenager. But that's the thing about being kids, we do things that would shock our grownup selves, but it's okay most of the time because hopefully we've learned from it and are better people now :) x

I have to say, I'm glad you ended up apologizing to her on Facebook. I was bullied, a lot, as a kid. So much so that I don't remember each act or who did it. But, I know if someone had apologized to me for it, even though it was years later, I'd greatly appreciate it. So good on you. And good on you for not being that same bratty kid!

Ouch! I think we all have moments we're pretty ashamed of as adults--but that shows how much we've grown. I was generally pretty mild...but one time, I have no idea what possessed me, I decided to tease a little boy at church named Noah by saying, "Hey, Noah, where's your ark?"That's so stupid...and it's not like it's harsh as far as teasing goes...but it was still needless stupidity that I remember all-too-vividly till this day.

Ugh in first grade I somehow found myself in the classroom alone and stole a box of crayons from another classmate. I wanted them so badly, so I took them. Of course, when the student found them missing we all had to go through our desks and voila, the crayons were in my desk.

I lied and cried and said I had no idea how they got there. And because I was such a "good little girl" the teacher believed me, but told the whole class until someone confessed we'd all be in trouble.

This kid Robert ended up confessing to get the rest of us off the hook I'd put us all on. Which is unbelievable. Still. I cannot believe I did that!

Kudos to you for apologizing... I haven't done so with a few girls back in my elementary because they ended up blocking me on Facebook... oops.

I didn't get bullied when I was in school. If anything, I was just like you - innocent and sweet lookin on the outside but inside I was just a bitch to people. I'd bully them with taunts, name calling, misplacing/stealing their goods, and I don't know why. I definitely wasn't brought up in a bad household or anything.

My biggest flaw growing up was probably lying. I lied about everyyyyyyyyyyyything for God knows why. I also stole too... :/

Now, when I look back, I wonder whose trust I've broken with all my lies. I value honesty so much, I cut people off when I find out they lied to me. And as for theft, it stopped when one my teachers finally caught me and called in my parents. I felt so ashamed, stupid and embarrassed because it was over a shitty rolling pin.. yeah, like the ones you use to bake... x.x

Wow it is so interesting to hear how you were as a kid.. I was more than likely jade winters... Considering I was the biggest nerd in school and used to get dumped in the rubbish bin and beaten up!!! Haha we would not have gotten along ;)

Ohhhh there is nothing more real than an elementary school kids journal. I'm looking for mine this weekend when I go home..for sure.

And you're not alone. I lied a lot as a kid. I stole a little wooden bunny (the size of a quarter) from a craft store with my parents and then when they asked if I stole it I told them no, my friend from school gave it to me. When in actuality I had pointed it out in the craft store about an hour prior and said I wanted it. So really your sneeze excuse was clever right lol

Awwww..! I remember those situations where someone did something bad but the teacher puts a freeze on the class until someone admits to it! Ugh, it must have scared the crap out of you! And what a nice little boy to take the blame! Aww... what a total sweetheart. You on the other hand; a real bad ass... ;)