‘American Idol’ hires judges of all kinds

It’s time to talk about the favorite show of people who don’t know that 2002 is over. “American Idol” hit headlines once again, but because Paula has long since left, the word “vicodin” is absent from this story.

The newest season of the series that refuses to be put down has a whole new array of judges. Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, the judges for the past two seasons, have departed from the show after realizing they were not from “The Voice.” Thus, replacements were needed.

The first to sign a deal was Mariah Carey, best known for her vocals and vocal insanity. I mean, c’mon people. The only good thing that could come out of this is that she’s at least under observation now. I just hope she doesn’t find Paula’s old medicine cabinet on set.

And if you thought Carey was going to be the poster child for straightjackets, you thought wrong. Nicki Minaj also snagged a spot at the judge’s table after I assume the preferred choice, Mrs. Potato Head, declined to participate. Minaj, while a huge name of course, is much too fresh in my opinion to be propelled onto a national stage to judge other people’s talent. You need experienced professionals who have been in the business for years, not Nicki Minaj who is currently popular for being diabolically possessed.

The other new judge is Keith Urban, the Australian celebrity best known for his country music hits and for not being Hugh Jackman. Urban seems to be the most well-rounded of them all, but if they seat him in between Minaj and Carey, he might as well start wiping his tears on Nicole Kidman’s forehead.

And of course Randy Jackson is still on the show because I think he lost his keys to his house and he has nowhere else to go.

Overall, I do enjoy the concept the producers are going for. Carey represents pop music, Urban represents country, and Minaj represents nervous breakdown, different backrounds that appeal to different types of people. Honestly, I can predict who’s going to win already. It’s the shy, humble white boy from Pleasantville with no personality other than his milking skills.

Where is another Kelly Clarkson? Or maybe Jordin Sparks? Hell, I’ll even take a Fantasia. Ok, maybe not — let’s not get carried away. But I just want some variety. The same type of guy has won for the past few seasons. If the show keeps churning out the same bland nobody over and over again, it won’t matter who’s at the judge’s table, because it’s boring.

Ratings have been dropping, and it’s only a matter of time before America realizes the show has not only jumped the shark, but it’s been eaten by Ruben Studdard. So honestly, change the channel. Let Ryan say, “Seacrest Out” for the last time. And put on “X-Factor.” Britney needs the love. And maybe some of Paula’s medicine cabinet.