The Ugly Truth About Emotional Rape

Rape. A brutal, repulsive word, no doubt. When most people hear that word, they immediately think about physical rape and I certainly don’t need to define that term for you, as you already know what it means. I haven’t been physically raped, so I can’t begin to attest to what victims really feel after it occurs, but I know people who have endured it and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Rape is horrible. It is harsh. It is ugly. It is beyond barbaric. And I think physical rape has to be the worst kind of rape there is, hands down, so please know that I’m certainly not diminishing that in any way with this piece.

But have you ever considered that another kind of rape exists? How about emotional rape? It’s prevalent, actually, and unless you happen to be a survivor of it, you’ve probably never even considered the notion, rightfully so. What is emotional rape? Jacquetta Y. Parhams, Ph.D., describes it well her in her book The Case of Emotional Rape:

“Emotional rape is extreme abuse of emotional intimacy, brought about by intentional psychological or emotional coercion or manipulation”.

Have you ever thought about that? Because it happens and it happened to me by someone I trusted implicitly.

He was good at that: getting me to trust him. In fact, he had years to groom me into trusting him before we entered into an intimate relationship since we were “friends” beforehand and I use that term loosely because I truly didn’t know what was about to hit me. He pretended to have a genuine interest in my life and began to insinuate himself into it in every way possible, especially after he found out that my marriage was falling apart and that my former husband and I had separated. I hadn’t told anyone yet except for my closest friends and hadn’t planned on telling anyone outside my inner circle until he invited both my husband and myself to a weekend event he held annually. Initially, I declined his invitation, but that led to more questions and encouragement for both of us to come because it was sure to be a weekend of great fun. I finally told him that if we did happen to come, it wouldn’t be a package deal and I told him why. That’s when the real manipulation began and it continued for almost 5 years.

This particular man was in a position of power and calculatedly used his position to take advantage of my vulnerability when he found out I was planning to file for divorce. He shared stories of his own failed marriage and they were eerily similar. He told me he knew how I felt because he had been where I was. He texted me to check in on me. He called to make sure I was okay. So I started to lean on him because he had been through the same thing I was experiencing and he wanted to be there for me, or so he said. He became the person I confided in and in the five months that followed, he relentlessly pursued me until he wore me down. And that’s exactly what happened. Friends repeatedly warned me (“it will be blow after blow after blow with him”, one said, and it was). People who knew him begged me to run, but I didn’t. As our relationship continued, I often equated life with him to running into a burning building and questioned whether I was incredibly brave or ridiculously stupid. You’ve read my blog about narcissism, and this man is indeed a narcissist, I just didn’t know what that term meant until many years later when I started to dig for information in an effort to understand his behavior.

He was highly skilled at showering me with attention and understanding, and then pulling it away without warning at the drop of a hat. I never understood it and often felt like I had done something to cause it, so I found myself apologizing to him for things I didn’t even know I did. Sometimes, he would respond favorably saying I had done nothing wrong, and in the next breath would say “you sure make a lot of out of nothing” — sadness. I found myself questioning every single thing I knew to be true about myself and my character because of the things he said and did to hurt me. I was filled with such anxiety that sometimes, I couldn’t sleep at night from wondering what I had done or said to make him be such an ass (and that’s putting it lightly because I can’t use the term I really want to use in this moment). He relished in keeping me confused, pushing me away, and then pulling me back in, which was always only to his advantage. I didn’t know at the time that this was part of the devaluing stage of narcissism where he would go silent for days, ignore any communication from me, and make me feel like I was absolutely nothing before suddenly doing an about-face and apologizing for “crazy busy days” or “not feeling social” and the cycle would begin again–over, and over, and over. I always felt like I was fighting my way out of an enclosed corner–one I could never seem to get out of.

Our mutual friends would see him out when he told me he was doing something else, and he was often with other women…women who were nothing like me…women who were more like him. I used to tell him he wanted to live class but play trash and he always turned that around on me. He lied to me so many times that I can’t believe his tongue didn’t rot out of his mouth and yet I stayed because I loved him and I thought he valued me. He didn’t, but he knew how to play the game and how to keep me entangled so that I would think he did.

It took him years to admit he was emotionally abusive to me and even though he said he recognized it, I don’t really think he ever stopped. The words emotionally abusive seem so minuscule when I try to relate them to his treatment of me because I now realize that it went way beyond that. Way. Way. Beyond. It took me moving out of state and far away from him to see the level of damage that he did to me over the years of us knowing one another. He picked me apart emotionally every chance he got in order to make me lose not only my self-respect but also my self-worth. He was able to target every insecurity I had and consistently threw them in my face to make me feel even more insecure so that I would become more emotionally dependent on him for sustainability. There were times he was downright mean with his words and he was usually drunk when he emotionally hit me with whatever decided to fly out of his mouth in the moment. He set his sights on me, he exploited me, he degraded me, and then he discarded me like a puppy he had gotten tired of kicking around.

But you stayed with him, you might say, knowing what people said he was. Yes. Yes, I did. But the fact that I stayed doesn’t change the truth of what he did to me. Nothing changes that part. So when they say love is blind, they aren’t kidding. I stayed because I loved and adored him, truly. And my heart isn’t dirty like his heart is because the word manipulation isn’t even part of my vocabulary. When I love someone, I love them genuinely…purely…without ulterior motives. Yes, I knew what people said about him–no doubt–and I think I also knew what I was getting with him. But he showed me a different side…a side I thought was real. A side that was never there. A side he mirrored to me because he was able to duplicate my emotions so that I would think he had the capability of feeling them. I gave and gave and gave, while he took and took and took some more. When I tell you that he pushed me to the point of exhaustion during our relationship, I’m not exaggerating because I am tired. I am depleted. I am suffering. And I am completely spent.

Raped. I feel emotionally raped.

As I look back on that relationship now, I wonder how I ever endured it. I had to change my life from top to bottom in order to be okay again. I’m still not okay and I still struggle, but every day gets a tad bit better. The anxiety he instilled in me is still there, especially when it comes to men and relationships: both scare the hell out of me because I don’t always trust myself to choose better than him and I wonder sometimes if I even have it in me to give anything to another person because I died a thousand times loving him and gave him everything I had when he never earned it. He told me last week that he ‘prays’ I find peace, which I find absolutely absurd considering he’s the one who forcibly and knowingly took every ounce of peace I had left in order to feed his own selfish, overinflated ego. I did not give him permission to do that: to take my peace, to take my self-worth, or to take my heart and destroy me in the process. It is painful. It is numbing. And it is devastating all at the same time.

What would I tell someone who encounters such a man? I would tell them to run, just like my friends (who were his friends too) told me. Abuse of any kind is never okay, and just because someone doesn’t hit you and leave a bruise does not mean they aren’t abusing you. If you are questioning whether or not the person you’re in a relationship with is abusive in any way, shape, or form, you’re questioning it for a very good reason and I would implore you to pay attention to that. One of the best things you can do is find a therapist who deals with the aftermath of abuse so that you can be supported on your journey back home to yourself. You’re going to need that support, so please seek it out. Decide to stop at nothing when it comes to educating yourself about the toll that emotional and psychological abuse takes on a person, because that toll is very big, very real, and sometimes, people don’t come back from that. Shore yourself up and keep moving forward, even if that means you have to crawl to your destination just like I’m doing. You are worth it, you are deserving of better, and you will be okay

Til next time,

______________________________________

To learn more about Dr. Parhams’ work, please visit her site here. If you are in an abusive relationship yourself, please consider contacting The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website to speak with them via online chat. If you are concerned for a friend or family member who may be in an abusive situation, please call 1-866-331-9474 to contact Love Is Respect.

I am the voice behind Truly Madly Sassy and currently reside on the coast of North Carolina with my dog Snickers. I’m a full-time social work major, a suicide prevention advocate, a most-of-the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, an iPhone junkie, a bit of a wandering free-spirit, and a self-proclaimed princess. I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.

Comments

Thank you for being light to this topic. I was in a handful of toxic relationships at a young age. I didn’t trust that I would be able to find the right person.So much so, that I actually married the first man who treated me like an real human being. We had both been emotionally raped by past significant others and we thought we were “doing the right thing”. Turns out that we were in a toxic relationship ourselves. We had NO relationship. We never fought, because we never talked. We never hurt each other because we were never really around each other. Needless to say, we got divorced after a very short time. Now that I have been on both sides of extremes, I am confident I will be able to stay emotionally healthy, have a supportive relationship and still keep being “me”.

Hi Payton! It’s hard when you’ve been emotionally abused to trust yourself to choose better next time–been there done that! I think if anything, our experiences with former relationships have taught us what to look for when it comes to signs of toxicity. I hate anyone has to go through that kind of trauma, but it does open our eyes regarding future relationships! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I want you to know I get it!

“Greetings Kristi! Thank you for telling your story. When i told mine, i didn’t think it was so brave…until i considered my parents would read it! More than brave, it was a lifeline. It was my healing. It was what i needed to get all that pain and anger out. I never get over how similar the stories are from women who have been emotionally raped. The rapist is the same, with a different name. Amazingly, emotional rape takes place, not only in male/female relationships, but between parents and children, ministers and parishioners, teachers and students, and many other relationships. I wish all of us great healing! Thank you, Kristi, for mentioning my book, This Case of Emotional Rape. I wrote if for our healing. I’m glad it helped. And i’m glad you’ve helped so many. Keep writing and speaking up.”

“Oh my goodness! Dr. Parhams, I was so excited to wake up and find your comments this morning on my piece about emotional rape. In fact, I feel a little starstruck that you noticed it! There are so many of us out there who don’t speak out against this kind of abuse, and I feel so fortunate that I am able to use this medium to reach other people who are hurting just like I am. I am humbled and honored by your encouragement and praise. Thank you so much!!”

“I’m very sorry! I can relate and more. I went through this not only by the one I loved, but also his whole family, starting with his mother who I was more close. She, together with her son manipulated me, so I could take care of her. It went on for years. I did confront them once I found out what they were doing as a family. They even tried to make me cover for them so others wouldn’t know about it. I had to tell them not to come close again, it was that bad. The pain has been excruciating and I have suffered for more than a decade now PTSD and can’t trust anyone.”

“That’s a very unfortunate thing to have experienced, I’m sure. I’ve read a lot of books about manipulation and from what I can gather, it’s usually part of the lineage. I mean we have to learn it somewhere, right? I also completely understand your lack of trust in others even though my experience didn’t involve other family members. When your trust is shattered, it’s hard to get it back, no matter how good the next person is (I know this all too well…). Much love to you. Come back anytime!”

“Oh Kristi, this must have been truly awful for you but well done for coming out the other side and even more so for being able to share your story, it’s very brave and I truly appreciated reading it.”

Hi Natalie! Great to see you! I would have to chalk the whole experience up to be one of the most painful things I’ve ever been through. My hope is that my story will help someone else. Thanks for commenting!

“It hurts my heart to know this even exists. I am in awe of you for bringing this awareness to light, as it so deserves. I love how you’re breaking the silence and going against the grain with a topic that would be so difficult to comprehend. You are so brave. Thank you for opening your heart.”

“It is past time that women stop staying silent and start talking about this kind of abuse. I guarantee you if you looked up the word courageous in the dictionary, your name would be there. Thank you for everything you share to help those of us who have been there ourselves.

“The positive of social media is that women are starting to open up about issues that one never heard even a decade back. It is brave and quite strong of you to share you personal story. We all gain strength from each other’s courage and you are definitely using your voice to do so.

“Hi Tanvi! I think as writers, we need to be as transparent as possible so that those who may be experiencing the same thing can gain strength from our experiences. And you’re right. Women being able to open up about issues on social media is definitely a positive thing! Thanks for commenting!”

“Thank you for speaking out! I believe this is something that has not been talked about much and it needs to be known everywhere as the culture in dating needs to change. I’ve been through the emotional rape for 3 years in an old relationship and let me tell ya, there’s nothing worse than being messed with emotionally. It didn’t help that I lived with the guy for most of the relationship. Many tears wasted on a guy who didn’t respect me.”

“You are so right–there is NOTHING worse than being messed with emotionally as those kinds of wounds take a long, long time to heal. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and I hope for both of, there are less and less tears from here on out. Hope to see you on TMS again soon, Jin!”

“You have been through so much, and it sounds as if you learned the hard way how addictive these people are. I’m sending you best wishes & hope you remain strong. The best revenge is becoming everything that type person ever said you weren’t. Onward & upward! xoxo”

“I love you. You have definitely learnt how to help others through your struggles. You may not really realize how many lives you save, and what a role model you really are. You give us a definition of strength, and in this world that is alot…”

“I love you too, Miranda. This comment warms my heart so much more than you know. The main reason I created Truly Madly Sassy was so I could reach out to others who may be hurting too, so thank you for recognizing that in me. So glad that we are friends!”

“I can relate to this so incredibly much – the feeling when you’re left completely depleted and emotionally spent but yet feel so lost and alone. It’s a brave and courageous thing to write about it and share – and I appreciate your truth! Sending you my love – every day I overcome it too.

“I feel you, and I’m glad that you are on your way home to yourself again. My ex husband did the same thing to me. You are brave Kristi, keep on following your journey and create the life that you deserve. There will be times that you will feel vulnerable, it’s okay to be vulnerable it means that you are still normal, but do not stay there. Keep moving forward and create your own happiness.”

I feel sorry that you had to go through all this at the same time I feel glad that you are out of it and this learning of yours would help you understand people much better. One more thing I want to add that not many are as brave as you to talk or write about it . Thanks for sharing this and spreading awareness. <3

This abuse is so tough because the perpetrator is really good at making victims sound or look crazy if they bring their complaints to life. Your post is so important for people who have been the victim in emotional abuse.

“This is a very wonderfully courageous post. You’ve poured a part of yourself into it. Thank you for writing this. I had never heard of the term emotionally raped but I guess in hindsight I can compare one of my relationships to yours. And I see enough similarities to think that I too have been through it. And just like you it was right after my divorce. they know who to target because that’s he did to you. He targeted you knowing you were vulnerable and needed a shoulder. He’s a predator in every sense of the word. My only question to you is, why do you still speak to him? I get that you have friends in common but, you shouldn’t speak to someone who has caused you this much pain and anguish. I believe that wholeheartedly. Good luck to you. You will trust again. Be sure of that.

“Yesenia, I’m so glad to see you again! The communication is few and far between. I’ve only recently hit the anger stage of grief as the hurt overshadowed all my feelings of being really pissed off at him. I’m sure his text was in response to the email I sent him a month ago calling him everything but a white boy and a text I sent him about how he took me down so many curvy roads that he should be ashamed of himself. My therapist is in agreement it’s healthy for me to get that out and that he should be the only target since he hasn’t yet reaped what he’s sown so when I get mad, it’s freeing to say things like you’ve said: in that email I called him a sorry son of a bitch, a predator, a liar, and a con artist. All of those things are true for him and when I tell him how I feel, I feel so much better. It’s never really meant to gain communication from him or to make him feel guilty (I don’t think he’s capable of having any sort of feelings, really), it’s just that it helps me heal a little more each time. Writing it and not sending it doesn’t have the same effect. I know the day will come when i will block his number and his email and be done. It just hasn’t happened yet…but you’re correct…once the anger stage has passed, it’ll no longer be necessary for me to even give him the time of day. Thanks for the well wishes and as always, for reading my work and leaving such thoughtful comments. I truly appreciate you.”

“Thank you so much for your courage and honesty. Like so many others, I’ve been there too, and I think the most important thing we can do is have honest, supportive conversations about this kind of abuse. So many people experience it and don’t even fully understand it for what it truly is.”

“Hi Renee…thank you for taking the time to read and comment! It’s really raw material, but I think the only way to increase awareness is to put it out there. I really didn’t see the level of abuse until I was away from him in another state, and now that I see it, I just wonder how my heart survived it because in so many ways, it’s still in shambles. Hope to see you again soon on Truly Madly Sassy!”

“This is so incredibly sad and what’s worse is that many women go through this and sometimes silently, suffering it all. As you said if even an ounce of you feels that this doesn’t feel right, it most usually isn’t. I do hope you are able to pick your life and flourish once again.”

“Thank you so much, Nayantara, for commenting. If I had only known then what I know now, but I would have made a better decision. Picking up the pieces has been a process, but like they say, one day at a time. Hope to see you here at TMS again!”

“I’ve had a very similar experience to this and can relate to a lot of what you said in this post. Although this is a sensitive topic for some people, it’s great that you are spreadinf awareness about it.”

“Hi Megan! There are so many of us out there who have gone through this. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am! And you’re right, it’s really raw material, but awareness is the key. Thanks for commenting on TMS!”

“Fake and toxic people will never stop on manipulating others with their poison on the dark side of the moon. I’ve experienced so many emotional rape by strangers I thought friends from the internet and real life. It is difficult to detect their intention, that, only their victim who can open our eyes if we are just willing to do so.

“I have felt something like this from someone who was borderline personality disorder. So many of similar symptoms, only instead of a look at me mentality it was a woe is me mentality. And I was the cause of all of her suffering. She constantly kept me off balance and one moment loving me and the next telling me she didn’t know whether she wanted to be with me. I knew that something was wrong but just couldn’t put my finger on it until I discovered about personality disorders and how they affect you. It is an emotional abuse. And it is emotional rape because they use to to validate themselves and feel superior. But truthfully they are super vulnerable inside and will never feel superior ultimately. But they drain you of all your energy and leave you spent and lost. I am sorry you suffered through this. I know what this was like in my own sort of way, so I know more than I would like to admit.”

“Hi David…thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I’ve often wondered myself if he doesn’t have some sort of personality disorder because things were so hot and cold all the time. I’m one of those people who believes childhood wounds that haven’t healed cause a lot of these issues to develop in people, but it still doesn’t make it any easier for those of us who choose to walk through life with them. It’s hard, it’s brutal, and yes, it leaves us lost. Please come back to TMS anytime. I appreciate you sharing your story!”

“I can say this because I know you and the situation so well. You are not the woman who loved him 5 years ago. Yes he drained the life out of you and we all felt you withdraw last year when he pulled his latest stunt, but Marie was right when she said you are a warrior because you are. Not many people have the guts to pack up their lives and relocate for the sake of healing their hearts but you did it and I for one am so proud of you for putting yourself first and his feelings last. It’s going to be a-o-k. Smooth sailing from here on out!”

“Even warriors get wounded in battle, Becks. And I’m still trying to decide if moving here was gutsy or not haha! Taxes are ridiculous, everything is triple expensive, but ah, the life of a Mermaid. Thanks for all the love, friend. Miss you.”

“Hi Katie…super hard to share…but sometimes, writing about it gets it out of my head. There are so many women who get swindled…and if I can bring awareness to any of them, I’m all for being transparent. Thanks for commenting!”

“Been there, done that. Thank God when he, “”threw me away””, I ran. I’ll never forget him calling me a couple of years later after he found out that I was engaged and saying that he thought I was his soul mate. Just for a brief second I almost got sucked back in. But there must have been some healthy side of me that made me laugh instead. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized how much he had toyed with my emotions. I did from very early on though question what about me allowed him to treat me this way but still want to stay with him. I spent a lot of time thinking about that. Never again my friend. <3"

“Wow Kristi, saying what an experience would be an understatement. I know it’s hard to recover from a relationship like that and allowing people in, trusting again. You are not alone, you are worth every minute of happiness and kindness. Learn to trust and love yourself. You a beautiful and strong person, sharing this with us. Thank you.”

Yes this was severe emotional abuse. I am sorry you went through this he got you when you were the most vulnerable. People like that are really dangerous because they build you up so high just to bring you down and start controlling your emotions like a puppet. Its sad but I am happy you are out of that.

“I never thought about it that way but you’re right. There are men/women who do that to their partners. They are toxic and they will suck every inch of life that you have inside you. It takes time to recover from that, but I hope you won’t experience that ever again.”

“Abuse of any kind isn’t right. While the scars of rape may fade, I think it is the emotional and mental scars that are harder to release from your mind. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure it will help others who might be in a similar situation.”

“Thank you so much for the positive encouragement. I think there are so many women out there who go through relationships like this and just feel lost, broken, and overwhelmed. If I can help one woman, it is worth putting my story out there.”

I am so sorry you went through this – nobody deserves to be treated like that and to be taken advantage of. I’m so glad you recognized it for what it was and had th strength to move on and move forward x

“Hi Leanne…I think I just felt like I had no choice…it was move or go under, and I’m not exaggerating saying I almost did. An environment change was definitely necessary! Thanks for commenting on TMS!”

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.Danielle Bernock,Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals

“Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. I went through a similar experience and although now, from distance, it is pretty clear and I feel like “”How in hell did I allow that?”” It was hard to see from the inside. Hopefully, you will help others realize. Great blog.”

“Thanks Maria! So many women get sucked into this kind of relationship. I used to ask myself ‘god, was I that stupid?’ — now I just say ‘no, he was just that good at being manipulative’ — It’s always hard to see the forest for the trees. Thanks for commenting. Hope to see you again soon!”

Hi Cassie! I think transparency is what gets the word out…other people who have experienced it can finally put a name to it and start their journey of healing. Thanks for commenting! Come back anytime!

“Thanks for sharing your personal story. This is such a hard one. I’ve never been emotionally raped, but I was emotionally (and somewhat physically) abused growing up. It really leaves a scar. People who haven’t been through it often have no clue.”

“Thank you for sharing this intimate writing with everyone. It’s got to be hard to write, but you are shedding light on something that I didn’t realize was a thing. I never thought about emotional abuse that way before. :-(“

“Hi Joanna, I really didn’t think about it either until I made myself get very still and think through it. Emotional abuse just didn’t describe it well enough, but emotional rape? Yes. That’s exactly what he did.”

“As the second wife of my first husband said to me after he shattered her soul, “”I should have talked to you first”” And she reluctantly agreed when I answered, “”you wouldn’t have believed me anyway, because you were still under his spell.”” 30 years later he is still leaving a path of destruction behind because like a perfect sociopath, he can charm the birds out of the trees when he sets his mind to it.”

“Thank you so much for sharing a piece of yourself! Love is something you belive in and love is something you thought he was giving but you realised it wasnt…and you got out! You say that you are not still well, but a bit better everyday so eventually you will get a whole lot better! It might take time but atleast you are out of there! Bravo!”

Hi Flossie! Thanks for the love! It’s all about transparency and letting people know this kind of abuse is real and should never be tolerated. Please visit anytime! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!

“I think it is wonderful that you are sharing your experience so that it may help others in similar situations. I feel like this is something that isn’t talked about often, but it should be. The victims should never be afraid to seek help, and being more open and accepting would help them feel safe to come forward.”

“I hate hearing stories like this. Not that I think you shouldn’t write it, just that I hate when men exhibit this behavior and think they can get away with it. I’m glad you removed yourself from the situation and I hope you sharing your story helps others get themselves out too.”

“Hi Beth. I hate when men exhibit this kind of behavior too and sadly, they do get way with it most of the time. It’s that charismatic charm they have! The main reason I shared it is because I want women to know it’s not okay and it they don’t have to tolerate it. Thanks for commenting! Come back anytime!”

“As my daughter gets older I want to make sure that she is aware of such a topic. I hate to have to think about such things when she is only 8, but sadly, if she isn’t taught how she “”Should”” be treated she may not recognize when she isn’t being treated the right way.”

Connect With Me

OH HI THERE!

My name is Kristi McAllister. I’m a full-time student, a most-of- the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, an iPhone junkie, a dog mom, a bit of a wandering free-spirit, and a self-proclaimed princess.
I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.

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