Scott Pioli: And here’s the weight room. We just bought a million bucks worth of Hammer Strength equipment, which of course you have access to at all times.

Matt Cassel: That’s awesome, Mr. Pioli.

Pioli: Also, leave any laundry you wish right on top of your locker box. Our equipment managers will have it washed and folded for you the next day, any day you leave it. And if you have any training table requests, let us know and they’ll be added to the spread within a week.

Cassel: Wow. That’s amazing. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be here, Mr. Pioli. Really. I’m excited to get to work and help turn this team around.

Pioli: Glad to have you here, too.

Cassel: Although, I have to ask. I’ve heard some things about coach Haley. I heard he can be a touch… abrasive.

Pioli: Matt, I’ve known Todd Haley for years. And I can tell you that there is no more dedicated and determined coach out there. I promise you you’ll like playing for him.

(Corvette door flies open)

Haley: (takes off sunglasses) Out of my way. THESE HAMMER STRENGTH MACHINES ARE NOT LAID OUT PROPERLY. WHO FUCKED THIS UP?

Cassel: Coach Haley, I just wanted to tell you how glad I am to be here and to play quarterback for the Chiefs.

Haley: Who said you were playing quarterback? What, you think just because you’re here we’re gonna gift you the fucking job? You COMPETE for the job, son. Then maybe, MAYBE, I let you on MY FUCKING FIELD. You hear me, cuntnugget?

Cassel: I’m sorry, Coach. I didn’t mean to be presumptuous. I’m just really happy to be part of this organization, and I look forward to working with you.

Haley: With me? WITH me? What are you, co-head coach now?

Cassel: No, I didn’t mean it like that…

Haley: (chews gum loudly) What, you wanna call the plays now? “Hey, I’m the co-head coach and I say we run a waggle pass because I’m fucking gay and stupid!” Is that what you think will happen?

Cassel: No.

Haley: I CALL THE FUCKING PLAYS. Okay? And you will execute them WITH FUCKING PRECISION AND TO MY FUCKING SATISFACTION. Okay, towel boy? And if you don’t like it, THERE’S THE FUCKING DOOR, BRADY JUNIOR. I didn’t work up to this level just to let some no-name run this team with me. FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHORE OF A MOTHER WHO GARGLES COCK FOR LOOSE CHANGE. From now on, I’m nicknaming you Whorechild.

Cassel: I didn’t mean it like that. By working WITH you…

Haley: Let’s get a few things straight, grapenuts. You work FOR me. Understood? FOR me. Are we fucking clear on that? OR ARE YOU FULL RETARD LIKE BRAIN WATERS?

Haley: Lunch? You want lunch? What do you think, we’re some kind of fucking restaurant? You think I’m your fucking waiter?

Cassel: No, that isn’t what I said at all.

Haley: Are you calling me a liar?

Cassel: No!

Haley: Oh, now you’re gonna raise your voice to me? So you think you can waltz the fuck in here, CALL MY PLAYS, ASK ME TO BE YOUR FOOD BITCH, AND CALL ME A LIAR? You think that’s gonna sit well with myself or ownership? (phone call) That’s my phone. IT’S A FUCKING STORM. It’s probably my mistress. She’s a fucking sex kitten. Do you cheat on your wife?

Cassel: No.

Haley: Why not? What are you, a fucking gash?

Cassel: Listen, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here…

Haley: You accusing me of fucking with your footwork?

Cassel: JESUS! No! I’m just trying to make a good first impression here.

Haley: You’re fucking failing, Whorechild. TODD HALEY IS NO MAN’S FOOD BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? Maybe fucking Herm Edwards was a little food bitch for everyone here. Maybe he made you Jello Jigglers just the way widdle wubbzy zubbzy likes them. MAYBE HE WORE A FUCKING GIMP OUTFIT AND LET EVERYONE SHOVE CUCUMBERS UP HIS GAPING TAN ASSHOLE. But that is not how I do business. Are you telling me you want little Herm Food Bitch Edwards to be your coach now?

Cassel: No! I’ve never even met Herm Edwards!

Haley: You calling me a liar AGAIN?

Cassel: I’m just going to stop talking now.

Haley: Stop talking? Who said you could stop talking? DID WE NOT BRING YOU IN HERE TO BE A FUCKING LEADER, YOU FUCKING TURTLE DICK?

Cassel: Yes, sir.

Haley: You got a real fucking attitude problem, Whorechild. You want to be here very long, you better adjust your fucking attitude AND NOT TREAT EVERYONE LIKE THEY’RE YOU’RE FUCKING JELLO WHORE. I’m a selfish coach, nutrag. I WANT TO WIN AND I WANT TO WIN NOW. I WANT PLAYERS WHO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS TO PLAY FOR TODD FUCKING HALEY. YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I HOPE YOUR FUCKING WIFE GETS BREAST CANCER AND DIES IN YOUR ARMS.

Cassel: Holy shit, you are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.

Haley: FUCKING COUNT ON IT.

(leaves)

Pioli: Like I said. Once you get to know Coach Haley, you really begin to understand where he’s coming from.

So you think you can waltz the fuck in here, CALL MY PLAYS, ASK ME TO BE YOUR FOOD BITCH, AND CALL ME A LIAR?

It’s quite amazing how Haley can distort harmless things so badly. Are we sure he’s not a woman?

03.04.09 at 12:46 pm

Stating the obvious

Chiefs and Chargers share a division. That’s two potential meetings of Coach Haley and Marmalard.

/giddy!

03.04.09 at 12:52 pm

lil' wayne chrebet

I’m reading all of the Haley posts with the voice of Sergeant Hartman (it started it as Joe Pesci, but Hartman definitely fits Haley’s character better). Just out of curiosity, what voice do you guys hear when you read this?

03.04.09 at 12:57 pm

Duke of Madness

Haley still isn’t as much fun as JJ. Isn’t it about time we got caught up on the happenings down Dallas way?

03.04.09 at 12:59 pm

Rob in WI

I second the Hartman voice.

Also, I thought the title said Charles Haley. I was not disappointed though. Coach Haley is my new favorite recurring character.

fuck, you’re right, i’ve been reading both characters with the same voice and haven’t realized it. you got suggestions for Haley

03.04.09 at 1:08 pm

Charlie Villanuevas Eyebrows

Robert De Niro a la Taxi Driver for Haley’s voice.

03.04.09 at 1:09 pm

lil' wayne chrebet

no, de niro wasnt an arrogant dick though, i tried it and it doesnt work

03.04.09 at 1:13 pm

KD's185

Maybe there can be a bizarro-world post where JJ is the owner, Haley’s the coach and Laserface is the QB. KSK’s collective head might explode from these personalities.

03.04.09 at 1:17 pm

Navin R. Johnson

Randy Macho Man Savage in full rant voice works nicely for me.

03.04.09 at 1:19 pm

Big Daddy Drew

Hint: “And watch out for that crowd you’re running around with — don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

03.04.09 at 1:22 pm

Charlie Villanuevas Eyebrows

Dazed and Confused. Well played Drew.

03.04.09 at 1:23 pm

Big Daddy Drew

NOW STOP MAKING ME REVEAL MY MAGIC.

03.04.09 at 1:24 pm

Charlie Villanuevas Eyebrows

Randall Floyd, you’re in need of a serious attitude adjustment young man.

03.04.09 at 1:26 pm

grungedave

Haley and Larry Johnson are going to be BFFs…

03.04.09 at 1:36 pm

J.L. White

Haley coaching the destined-to-finish-6-10 Chiefs is a huge waste. Why isn’t the man working for Fox News?

03.04.09 at 1:42 pm

Johnny D

You can also imagine Haley speaking like the Sack Lodge character in Wedding Crashers, and it’s equally funny.

“Hey, I’m the co-head coach and I say we run a waggle pass because I’m fucking gay and stupid!” – This nearly made me piss myself.

03.04.09 at 1:43 pm

Kimbo Gash

I thought that Scott Linehan had conclusively proven that NFL players don’t respond well to being screamed at by little cunts. That said, R. Lee Haley has a chance to ascend to the Pantheon of KSK greats. The Chiefs had best unfuck themselves.

03.04.09 at 2:10 pm

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco

We like to think he’s a whisper yeller like Pacino. You watch his press conferences it’s clearly quiet rage perhaps more so than even belichick, the eyes are terrifying.

03.04.09 at 2:11 pm

GothRodgers

Thank God the Broncos and Chiefs play twice a year! Super-AIDS VS Psycho-Haley…that will be interesting…

03.04.09 at 2:33 pm

Needs More Cheerleaders

what voice do you guys hear when you read this?

Is Hartman the guy from Full Metal Jacket? If so, I’m right there with ya.

03.04.09 at 2:37 pm

Cleetus

Used to dream of KSK finally paying attention to the Chefs with some parody… now not so sure. Haley’s voice needs smartass… like Jeremy Piven.

03.04.09 at 2:46 pm

DeepFriar

I HOPE YOUR FUCKING WIFE GETS BREAST CANCER AND DIES IN YOUR ARMS

wow. just…wow

03.04.09 at 2:48 pm

Big Daddy Drew

Next person to suggest we make our posts more quasi-Pivenesque gets shot on sight.

03.04.09 at 2:50 pm

Nate Newton's van

Seriously, if this Todd guy lasts for two complete seasons, I’ll sample from Drew’s emergency bag of dicks.

03.04.09 at 3:11 pm

Jay

Needs more quasi-Pivenness.

/bails

03.04.09 at 3:16 pm

Otto Man

Hint: “And watch out for that crowd you’re running around with — don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

Great, now I get to picture that lardass coach in his short shorts every time I watch the Chiefs.

“Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!”

03.04.09 at 3:36 pm

Squish

Goddammit. Im a Chiefs fan, I thought this year was gonna kick assballs, the KSK cockslaps me back to reality. Thanks for shitting on my dreams.

“Just out of curiosity, what voice do you guys hear when you read this?”

Oddly enough, Beegees music. What the feck?

03.04.09 at 4:42 pm

Tice_Tice_Baby

Vanity plate of Haley’s Vette: N CHRG

03.04.09 at 5:03 pm

Gino Tourettsa

Todd Haley seems like the rich jock villain in an ’80s teen comedy. So he’s due for some comeuppance. Oh yeah, he’s going to coach the Chiefs.

03.04.09 at 5:58 pm

Lesticles

I have a feeling “Whorechild” is going to catch on.

03.04.09 at 6:12 pm

Thunderlips, The Ultimate Male

Actually, I given the Vette, the shades, and the douchy jerkoff expression, I kinda had him pegged with a real cocky James Woods voice (redundant?), a la Any Given Sunday.

03.04.09 at 7:26 pm

yeah, right?

Private Cassel, do you suck dicks?

03.04.09 at 7:54 pm

Big Daddy Drew

I heard Coach Haley as a kind of mischievous badger.

03.04.09 at 9:49 pm

Rob in WI

I also could see this as Neidermeyer from Animal House.

03.04.09 at 9:59 pm

jujrok

I heard Mark Metcalf, the guy who played the ROTC commander Colonel Niedermeyer in Animal House. Spittle flying, eyes bulging, neck veins popping, but without the aura of authority that Gunny Hartman carried in discharging his thankless duties.

03.04.09 at 10:15 pm

Gino Tourettsa

Does Coach Haley have Asperger’s AND Tourette’s?

03.04.09 at 10:44 pm

Waters Testing

Coach Haley = Chet from “Weird Science”.

03.04.09 at 11:20 pm

Gino Tourettsa

“You donkey dicks couldn’t get laid in a morgue!”

03.04.09 at 11:22 pm

yeah, right?

I tried reading this with the voice of the principal from the Breakfast Club. Worked to a certain degree. Would have worked very well if John Hughes would have dropped the fuck bomb more often.
“I’m gonna knock your fucking dick in the dirt!”
See? Like that.

03.05.09 at 12:42 am

stupid

haven’t been able to keep up with all the posts, so I’m a little confused.
Are Marmalard and Laserface the same person?
Correct me if I’m wrong, the renamed are:
The Sex Cannon- Rex Grossman
Laserface/Marmalard- Rivers
Cutlerfucker-Cutler

and others?

03.05.09 at 2:52 am

StupidSexyFlanders

Hint: “And watch out for that crowd you’re running around with — don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

Great, now I get to picture that lardass coach in his short shorts every time I watch the Chiefs.

“Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!”

Stupid Sexy Flanders

03.05.09 at 3:32 am

Tawmy's Raging Homophobia

The voice I used for Haley is the principal from Back to the Future. Paxton from Wierd Science works well.

Is the AFC West officially the most entertaining division in the NFL? We’ve got Marmalard, we’ve got LaToeInjury and Tiny Darren, we’ve got Coach Haley, we’ve got Power-AIDS, we’ve got Count Al… They have the greatest number of Karachters-to-Teams ratio in the NFL!

03.05.09 at 10:42 am

jackin'4beats

That cooch is insane I tells ya, insane in the membrane. He’s going to stroke out during the opening kickoff of the preseason if he keeps this up. But the AFC West should be funny as hell to watch this season.

03.05.09 at 12:09 pm

Average at Best

I definitely heard this as Bill Paxon from Weird Science as the older brother. Funny thing is I had to remember the character after I got done reading it. The (chews gum loudly) was what did it.

03.05.09 at 1:20 pm

Phocion

That grin plastered on Cassel’s face in the picture above is nearly identical to the one Jack Nicholson wore in Batman.