Emotional Infidelity

Protect your marriage by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite sex.

Adultery is one of the gravest blows to a marriage, as well as a painful rejection for one partner. But you don't have to be intimate with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as -- and at times even more -- destructive to your marriage. Couples I counsel are absolutely outraged when I tell them that they could well be committing emotional adultery when they flirt with coworkers, send around funny emails to colleagues, or hang out with members of the opposite sex at gatherings. But they are, and so probably are you.

Stopping this kind of relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your marriage. It's not about where it may lead. It's about where it has already gone, far from your focus on your marriage.

When you find yourself getting irritated with what I have to say, consider: Why does it bother you? Why are you resisting the idea? Why not see if I'm right by making some changes? What is it that you're trying to protect by maintaining the kind of relationships you're presently involved in? If these relationships aren't as "damaging" as I say, because you say you don't find them that important and they aren't going to lead anywhere, then prove it to yourself by letting go of them. If they don't mean that much to you, why the irritation when I ask you to cut back on these friendships? Remember what it is you've always wanted from your marriage, and start considering the large, determined commitment that is absolutely necessary to creating a happy marriage.

Placing primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.

Most of us won't fall in love in cyber space, yet we find it okay to share a different kind of space with friends of the opposite sex. We discuss our problems, air out our issues, and settle disagreements with our business colleagues. We chat with our friends and neighbors. What's the harm in a man having a casual friendship with a woman when either is married? Surely, every friendship doesn't lead to an affair. Yet we forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the marriage when that same energy can be used to relate to our own spouse. Marriage is about relating to a member of the opposite sex with an intimacy felt with no other.

When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE BEING UNFAITHFUL?

Consider your own personal relationships:

When you hear a funny joke or good piece of gossip, do you first tell other colleagues? By the time you get home, have you chewed it all over so much at the office that you don't feel like telling that joke again to your spouse?

Do you discuss all of your work problems (or issues involving volunteer work or other important things you are involved in) so thoroughly with colleagues that you're all talked out by the time you return home? Do you feel like it would take too long to review and explain the entire issue from scratch to your spouse?

Do you go out alone to lunch or after work for drinks with members of the opposite sex?

Do you enjoy harmless (by your definition) flirtation with someone of the opposite sex at a cocktail party?

Do you believe that getting emotionally excited by flirting with someone of the opposite sex is helpful to your marriage? Do you think it helps educate you as to what you need more of from your spouse? Do you tell yourself that the juice you get from flirting brings more vitality to your marriage?

Do you spend as long buying the "right gift" for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your own spouse?

Do you share intimate issues about yourself or marriage with a member of the opposite sex?

If you're doing any of these things, you're being emotionally unfaithful to your spouse. You have only so much energy. If you're spending it with coworkers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend any more on your spouse, that's emotional infidelity. You're effectively relocating vital marital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if you never touch this other person, you have still used that person to relate to, and in doing so, you relate away from your spouse.

You may be shaking your head and disagreeing. But I've spent years helping couples pool their energies toward each other, and it has changed their marriage immediately. Stop all of these outside relationships and bring all your emotional and sexual energy home to your spouse, and you, too, will change your marriage immediately.

EXCLUSIVITY MAKES SENSE

The first step in developing a happy marriage is to close our peripheral vision to others so that we can be fully focused on our mate.

We seem to honor this commitment intuitively when tragedy strikes. Recently, there was an unforgettable wedding in my community. After the engagement, the groom was diagnosed with life-threatening, malignant melanoma. The wedding was postponed, and the twenty-year-old bride moved in with her future in-laws to help care for her love through his surgeries and subsequent chemotherapy treatments. There were few dry eyes as these two young lovers, wise beyond their years, made a public commitment to each other.

If one spouse becomes physically handicapped, our culture expects the healthy spouse to expend years of energy to stand by the disabled partner, to demonstrate a commitment to love. Why should we wait for that extreme righteous commitment to display itself only after tragedy?

The only way to keep a marriage strong is to put it first and foremost always.

I recognize that some may find my idea of marital isolation archaic and unrealistic. Yet we are comfortable applying the same logic to many other areas in life. If we were to start a business, for example, we'd understand the need to focus serious attention on it. If we were to start two businesses simultaneously, others would count the minutes until we filed for bankruptcy. If we started a family, we'd feel obligated to focus our attention on our child. We wouldn't dream of spending large amounts of time alone with another child. We'd know it would be wrong to limit time with our own kid in favor of another kid who seemed "neater" than our own. As a parent, you'd understand your obligation to find the parts of your child you love and to learn to focus more on those wonderful points. You'd want to find activities that brought out the best in your child and yourself.

Marriage needs the same commitment to developing a loving and satisfying relationship. We can't divide ourselves in many directions without losing the intensity in our marriage. Our energy is already split between our jobs, our kids, and our marriage. The only way to keep a marriage strong is to put it first and foremost always. Just because we live in an ever-changing "enlightened" world doesn't mean we should eliminate healthy marital concepts because they sound archaic.

FOCUS ON YOUR MARRIAGE

When you make the choice to truly commit to each other, you face a huge obstacle: the world around you doesn't understand commitment. They don't know that you really plan to live the rest of your life with your spouse. No, you don't want to do it in pain and misery. But it can be wonderful only if you learn to be there through thick and thin. When you know that you can be at your very lowest and your spouse will put loving arms around you and pledge undying love, you're married forever. If we can just banish the urge to find this kind of love outside our spousal relationship, we'll be forced to put incredible effort into the greatest thing we have going: our marriage. If you feel you are missing that "connection" with your spouse, choose to find the way to create a new bond with your spouse instead of looking to an opposite sex friend to fulfill you.

Countless people have told me that getting involved with members of the opposite sex isn't a problem for them because it would never lead to adultery. Having an affair is far from the only problem. You will simply be chipping away at your marriage every time you get that ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex. It's dangerous to your marriage, and not just because it may lead to sex. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow: the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere.

Refocus on the one you married and how you can get whatever it is you're getting from these other relationships from your own marriage. Find outside relationships with members of the same sex and keep the "chemistry" between you and your spouse.

He has appeared over 50 times on the Today show, a dozen times on the Opera Winfrey show as well as on NBC Dateline, the Katie Couric show, Steve Harvey, NPR and the View.

Gary and his work have been featured in People, Time, Parents, Parenting, Cosmo, Redbook, Oprah as well as in newspapers including Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles times, Miami Herald, and Wall Street journal.

Gary developed the Sandcastles program, a group experience for children divorce mandated in many divorce courts. Over 300,000 children have completed the Sandcastles program internationally.

He lives with his wife and five children on Miami Beach, Florida.

"Gary is one of the best psychotherapists in the world... I've been doing this a long time. He is the best." Oprah Winfrey

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 112

(91)
tara,
May 20, 2015 6:25 PM

I agree. As soon as my soon to be husband and i got serious I rid myself of all male friends and most female friends as well to be devoted to him alone. I didnt want any temptation nor for him to have any reason for doubt. He told me he no longer talked to any girls. He has always been a great guy, coming right home after work, helping me with things around the house. Never even really went out with guy friends. a few nights ago after a long day of us doing house renos he offered to go to the launrymat as our washer broke and i dont drive. Like I said, always a great guy. He left at 8:30 pm, 10 pm i called and called. then i panicked that something happened to him. i ran to the laundrymat to find his truck and a man told me he was at a bar. ok, the jerk should have told me but I went home. 11:30 still not answering my calls i desided to go wait in the truck till he turns up. i find the passenger seat open with a woman already in it. they explain they have known each other forever and just friends. iI do believe that but the fact that he knew it was wrong and had no decency to tell me where he was was devestating. I would never have pictured him to do that in a million years. While I believe he did not do anything with her doesnt change my heartbreak or now complete lack of trust. Even now when he is at work i wonder if he talk on the phone to her. All the promises and even swearing to G-d on the Torah that he will never go anywhere with any woman or talk/text or email. Can not make me trust him. I feel likeif he knew I was trying to reach him and kept calling him and he just ignored it and went on at the bar, how could he really love and/or respect me. I could not fathom doing anything like that to him.

(90)
Don,
February 2, 2015 6:02 AM

standing by your spouse

I stood by my wife who had cancer and I did what I could to make it easy on her until she passed away! I have been with my wife now of 24 years but hurt my back and was layed up for awhile. How did my wife respond? She went online and talked to a younger guy until he scammed her for 65 thousand dollars! I forgave her and now she is on chat lines talking to all these younger guys. I told her I am miserable with her and will eventually leave her as my finances get better unless she changes her ways!

(89)
Anonymous,
September 14, 2014 4:11 PM

Excellent points!

This article raises many interesting points. Thank you so much for posting it!

(88)
M,
March 27, 2014 11:08 PM

My opinion: After watching The Pianist, comparing the opening scene to the closing scene had one stark difference: In the studio at the beginning, there was a cello to symbolise Spzilman's friendship with the Polish lady, I forget her name. It wasn't there in the studio at the end, as she had married someone else and in those days, married women were friends with women and married men were friends with men, so a friendship was really not possible. A friendship in those days would definitely have been considered emotional fidelity. Today? You need to pick your battles. You would not go into marriage counselling just because your spouse shared a joke around all of their colleagues and then forgot to tell it to you. I have observed more serious forms of emotional infidelity in my friend's marriage, for example, when she is left feeding her children or sorting out household chores and her husband, rather than helping her, sits in front of the TV texting. Again, not solely something you'd go to counselling for, but I do wish he'd get off the damn phone. Myself? I do go out alone with friends of the opposite sex and also speak to them at parties - often in the company of their girlfriends/wives if they have one. If I got into another serious relationship, outings alone with them might well need to be cut back on but as someone who has few close friends and values company, I wouldn't want to give up spending time with a friend just because he was the wrong gender.

(87)
Anonymous,
March 26, 2014 1:30 AM

There Are Actions We Can Take

There is more we can do than we realize. I wonder how many husband's are like my husband. Or they way he used to act.Flirting was unheard of. After all, he has what he wants so he feels no reason to flirt. Compliments, totally superficial. Dates were unheard of till last summer. Unfortunately emotional affairs can happen to almost anyone. I wouldn't have thought that a few years ago. The difference is that it made me so sick to think that I found a man to talk & laugh with who wasn't my husband. I spoke to him 5 times and that was all.He had very poor boundaries. You should make very sure your spouse has good boundaries. Lewd talk and inappropriate talk or actions are NOT normal. I have never experienced that in a religious community. And I m not naïve to what is going on. I just have boundaries. Always Protect those who are important to you.

truth,
December 14, 2014 2:13 AM

People must realize that opposite genders will always have the potential to be attracted to each other. Many people today dont know how to set boundaries. Your spouse must be first in your life under the Almighty God.

(86)
Anna,
May 30, 2013 10:28 PM

My boyfriend and I just broke up. He has on 5 occasions now communicated with other women about our relationship or other topics that I feel are inappropriate. I talked to him after the first time and asked him not to do it again. This was hard for me because I felt that I was just being a jealous girlfriend and irrational. He always had reasons for why or claiming he said or meant something different and it doesn't mean anything. This last time went over the top. The woman actually said at a party in front of her husband and some aquaintaces that she had a connection with my boyfriend While he was Iin the bathroom. I was already upset because during the course of the evening it became clear that he and she had talked about intimate subjects such as my reluctance to get married at this point. Well, I completely flipped out and he dumped me the next day on FaceBook. That same day he wants to work things out because the other woman is just "such a cool chick". I swear I've never been so hurt. I told him that at this point it's wishful thinking thay we can work out and maybe some time will help, but that I felt one more thing right now and it would finish us off. So the next (day 3) I come home and he right away confesses that I would be mad because he had gone out for drinks and food with them and that he's smoothed things over. Come to find out he had also gone to their apartment for more beers before I got there. At the party where I met her that Imentioned above he claims to not remember her name. He then tells me that i am in the wrong about her and wants me to go to her and work it out. Clearly he has chosen this couple over me. I love this guy but there is no hope is there? I wish I had read this months ago.

Don,
February 2, 2015 6:10 AM

life is to short

I am sorry you went through this with him! I am going through something of the sorts with my wife. She texts guys all the time and has always had guy friends and believe me I am not the jealous kind but by her texting all the time it takes away from what we have.I am angry and hurt and I feel I deserve better from her after 24 years! She calls me controlling and snoopy and I think it is her way of pushing the guilt under the rug! I hope things are better for you now!

(85)
Sally Reed,
February 9, 2013 9:39 PM

Time for everyone else

Recently I have found myself very jealous, and yet it hurts me to do so. My husband is very busy. He is constantly gone. He really doesn't have any friends, because he is sooo busy. That being said, a female co worker he used to have still email and text here and there. Their texts and emails are not inappropriate, they are usually about philosophical issues. However, the jealousy in me is overwhelming. The reason why I married him in the first place was because I love our deep conversations about life, I love our ability to just talk. It's nice. But, now that he has similar conversations with another woman, it bothers me. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. It hurts, he doesn't have time for friends, or much less me..but he can still sit down for 20 min and write this woman an email discussing whatever the hell it may be. Am I being crazy? Is jealousy warranted? I want my man to have friends, but have MALE friends. Please help..

jonna,
February 14, 2013 5:31 AM

My husband has a friend

I feel for you after reading your comment. My husband has recently been facebook chatting with a girl and making too many stops at the store where she works. He has also been taking care of his sister and niece, who are perfectly able to take care of themselves. I feel so jealous that it is causing us a lot of problems lately. We have been married for almost 11 years and this has only been a problem the last 6 months. He has been neglecting our yard work, vehicles...to do things for his sister that lives next door. If they aren't needing something fixed, they are texting that they left the curling iron on. It never ends, and if he needs something, they will flat out tell him no. I just can't believe that he is letting these other people put a rift in our marriage.

Anon,
June 11, 2014 6:27 AM

YES! It was extremely inappropriate for you to confide in this man, to say the least! Also, very dangerous for you and for your marriage. The man was also lacking in boundaries. Find a woman friend to confide in, or a woman counselor. Why does it have to be a man? Don't you see that that is being unfaithful to your spouse?Please read the book Women's' Wisdom by Rabbi Sholom Arush. It is wonderful and empowering, and is full of wisdom and truth. I will not even lend out my copy - I need to have it close by.

M,
March 27, 2014 11:13 PM

Don't ask him to give up a friend - he might do it, but he will resent you for pressuring him to do it. Instead, focus on his good points. There is no such thing as the perfect partner and the one person you can change is yourself. Having said that, if you think he's spending too much time with this lady, just ask him to spend more time with you and go out to a movie or coffee sometimes. If he complains that he doesn't have time, point out that he has time for this woman, and ask him who he really thinks is more important. Some men will play the 'blame game' but you shouldn't have to take that.

CG,
June 11, 2014 6:09 AM

Sally, I feel pained for you. You're not crazy; you're right and very sane. It is such a painful situation. Pray! And maybe show your husband this article.

(84)
Michael,
February 2, 2013 9:41 PM

Facebook

FBA facebook addiction has it place in the phycology books as an official problem. That time spent in excess chatting with others both male and female is very harmful. I've discussed the issue, the issues were understood ,but nothing changes. When i see that she is chatting with another man,I do feel betrayed. " You can chat with men but you can't talk to me ?" I did not get married to be alone , the relationship is drying up . I mention something today and anger was the response. I believe that it was said the facebook is becoming the leading cause for divorce now. If there is anyone else out there going through the same thing I understand emotions that go with that. Thank you to all of you that took the time to read this. After reading the article I felt I needed to say something ,if not just for my own good.

Brian,
February 9, 2013 8:03 AM

Very true

This is very true because even if she is chatting to other woman and not paying attention to you as her partner the same emotions arise

phil,
February 13, 2013 4:39 PM

Facebook and texting

My wife and I had the same problem. Facebook and messaging took over our relationship. They lead to her having two affairs, one were they had sex and one were they did not. She has told me we don't talk anymore, yet she would spend 3 hours a night on Facebook. We would not have time to talk. She would just get mad when I would say anything. Since the second affair, we are working at it. Be careful g with Facebook. I know the damage it can do.

Michelle,
September 18, 2013 9:35 PM

Amen

Both of us are guilty of FB abuse. A spouse is out having a good time with friends and wastes no time posting pictures and comments, long before their spouse hears about it.

(83)
julie,
December 28, 2012 7:57 AM

two wrongs don't make a right

I agree a 100 & 10% with gary, this has awsered some thing for me that I have been strugiling with for some time, these words are so wise & truthful.
Its a wiseman or woman who can take a rebuke.

(82)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2012 10:34 AM

If we won't get that emotional support from the partner then what to do

(81)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2012 2:10 PM

Giving up on love won't save a failed marriage.

I don't believe people would get involved with others if the marriage is alive. Very often it is not the choice of the partner who gets involved in an emotional affair, but the choice of the rejected, 'deceived' party. How? It is a man's choice how to treat his wife and children, his choice and responsibility to advance his professional development, to take care of his health, to learn, to use his time productively. When a man make the choices that render him repulsive, don't blame the spouse for looking elsewhere for love and fulfillment. Giving up on one's love won't save a failed marriage.

Anonymous,
May 3, 2012 3:41 PM

agreed

Being in abusive put down relationship, naturally makes the woman want to look elsewhere. Been there, done that.

mad at anonymous,
July 26, 2012 7:26 PM

BLAME

I really have a hard time buying into the idea that you can be driven into the arms of another. If you have problems you talked it through and solve the issue or you separate and move on with your lives. To blame someone else for your bad decisions is very childish.

Anon,
October 28, 2014 7:42 PM

Wow, that's serious denial of responsibility. Guess what - everyone has pain. What YOU do is YOUR choice, not your spouse's.If a marriage has "failed," get out of it, and then pursue other man. Adultery is a choice. I can't believe such a victim mentality, that blames your own WRONG and IMMORAL choices on your spouse.

(80)
pola,
October 8, 2011 8:20 AM

these comments are very good and deal with the issue in detail. my only problem is that is pre supposes that emotionally unfaithful partners are aware of what they are doing and will read this to change their behaviour. I am myself in a relationship like this and my partner who I have told of my problem with his "emothional friend" will never read something like this.

(79)
Clover,
June 9, 2011 7:47 PM

I'm having some problems. My husband and i met a girl together and we have exhcanged emails and tell no. We would keep in touch on the net (through fb and msn) but this girl would be chatting with my husband everyday on the msn, telling him all about her love life problems and she need my husbands opinion on how to be close to a guy (she likes a guy frm gym). At first i was feeling uneasy because this girl would never say hi to me when she sees me online. Secondly i was mad of my husband because he never cares for my things but he was concern about her problems. I told him try not to be over concerned of her because we just met her no longer than a month but he never listens to me and says that i am just being jealous and sensitive. He is so firm in saying that they are just merely friend and he is just giving his opinions to her. My husband has save the conversations with this girl to let me see what they had chatted. However when i tried to write something on fb to remind him he would be furious as he was worried that the girl might see it and it might caused them to avoid each other. After a heated argument and a calm discussion my husband admitted that he called her on her mobile to chat once but before that he has given me the guarantee that he would not go a step further. He would only chat with her on the net. I am so heart broken because he was there blaming me that i am senstive and i don't trust him but he never did what he promises. How can i trust him? He has no reason for him to call this girl to chat coz they are chatting everyday on the net. Isn't that enough already?Me and my husband has agreed to test this girl. My husband suggessted to her to look for me instead so i can give her some opinions and this girl finally chatted with me. The problem is i can't forget about the broken promises my husband has done. This is not the first time. How can i trust him? Is this consider Emotional Infidelity?

Anonymous,
June 11, 2014 6:12 AM

Yes, 100%. He should not be chatting with her at all!

(78)
James,
June 8, 2011 9:27 AM

This is very common but same gender relation (problem sharing) too is very common especially with ladies seemingly harmless as it may be.

I have been guilty of this for years and with different persons but it wasnt intimate as such, it was just persons I shared the problem with to ease the stress that was threatening to become depression. It was mainly through ocasional office chat, internet chatting and email exchange to encourage each other that things will work out for us and others too.
The cause was communication breakdown with my spouse who will never admit a mistake even when it is very plain. I could not live with it. I lived and let live. But for my emotional stability, I needed a connection. For this realization, trust me I have had it with many. To those we shared through encounters, email, chat etc, there was no intimacy, no lunches together just " A problem shared is a problem half-solved". Trust me it works for the strong hearted as you give your spouse time to heal and come to reality.
And by the way I have never been guilty of physical infiderity, embracing based on emotional encounters. It was never personal or intimate. Just social networking gone serious.
Note also and especially for ladies, same gender connections are very common leading to the same. I have no statistical backing but I think men keep the problems to themselves possibly because of ego.

Anonymous,
June 11, 2014 6:15 AM

Why don't you speak to male friends, or even a male spiritual leader or therapist? These connections to other women are ruining your marriage. Even if your wife is emotionally unavailable, what you're doing is ruining your marriage.

(77)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2011 5:27 PM

Same Sex intimacy is also an 'adultery'

I speak from experience. It is possible to destroy one's marriage because of intimacy with the same sex as well. When one takes the issues in a marriage to a friend there is a disconnect between the married couple. It is sharing an intimacy only meant for the couple. In my opinion, it is attaching a third party and exhausting the energy and which should be focused on the solution which only the couple can truthfully come up with. I do believe there is room for compitant and Bible based counseling, and both wife and husband should be involved in the counseling - not just one going for help. How can only one person work on a situation where both are involved?

(76)
Anonymous,
March 29, 2011 3:28 PM

Ex-lovers should never be friends

Both my spouse and I have friends of both genders, and we both treasure and grow because of those connections. We have become friends with some of each other's friends, again of both genders, and it has brought us closer.
But I draw the line at friendships with those with whom one has had a physical relationship in the past. No matter how "over and done" that relationship might be, there is a danger there like none other. That person has interacted with you in an intimate way -- the boundaries are already down. At best, you may pretend that there is nothing there, or claim "that it ended for a reason", but that is still someone you have seen, touched, etc already. You can ignore, but never really forget.
And even if you think it's over and in the past for you, think about your spouse. Should they have to interact with, entertain, invite over someone with whom their spouse was intimate in the past? Talk about uncomfortable!

(75)
Kit,
February 11, 2011 9:59 AM

Yeah! Unbelievable!

Sofiya, hopefully, you will never experience the devastation this article is talking about. However, it is obvious to me that you have never been married before. NEVER underestimate any threat to your marriage, even one that you discount as not possibly happening in your relationship. This article IS about emotional infidelity. I hope you never experience trusting someone and being horribly disappointed by THEIR behavior.

(74)
Dov,
October 26, 2010 10:04 PM

Turning our relationship around

My wife and I were really struggling in our relationship. I learned that I needed to cut out all sexual undercurrents from my relationships with co-workers, however innocent I had tried to make them seem, and however heavy my denial in order to turn our marriage around.
That's why I strongly identify with this article's suggestion to focus all sexual energy within marriage.
However I disagree strongly with the article's implication that there is a similar need to focus all deep friendship within marriage.
Non-sexual friendships do not have to be a zero-sum game and need not at all become like trying to run multiple businesses. I find that, for me at least, it is good and healthy to have strong non-sexual friendships out of our marriage as long as they do not exacerbate a comparative lack of closeness within our marriage.
A more positive, realistic and healthier approach to any actual or potential imbalance is for me to make sure to invest enough in our marriage to tip the scales so that there is more closeness and friendship within our marriage than beyond it.
I have found, however, that sexual energy outside our marriage is an entirely different story. I have found that sexual energy is a zero-sum game - sexual energy outside our marriage is sexual energy that has been squandered and robbed from our marriage.
And today I can know when it is sexual, when in the past I used to deny it. I know that when I am in anyway motivated to get close to a woman in a way that I would not if she were a man, if I have an interest in relating to a woman I find attractive in a way that I would not if I did not find her attractive - then I know that the chances are very high that there is some sexual chemistry at work.
Having discovered how rewarding investing in our marriage is, I am able to forgo the need to look for anything sexual in interactions with the opposite sex and I am more than willing to sacrifice the thrills of sexual undertones outside our marriage.

(73)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2010 2:04 PM

What if my partner doesn't understand my needs, never asks

I agree we need to keep a fence but while I am happy to to do so a few times in my life I have found a few comments to a stranger suddenly revealed a depth of understanding I find lacking in my life with my, at this stage, significant other. These are always on "spiritual" concepts and these conversations, the few times they have happened, are so enriching..One set of conversations was with a Rabbi. The net effect is that I realy want to have these conversatons with my significant other & try to open these areas up for conversation. It seems we are just not on the same frequency. He is very much in the physical world while I feel I am moving away from it. Is this emotional infidelity or just a poor match?

Anonymous,
April 27, 2012 3:59 PM

When there's no emotional connection with your spouse, is it emotional infidelity?

I'm in a marriage that has never connected us, despite my complete love and devotion to my husband. He's not deep, understanding or supportive, but only superficially caring, because that's the right thing to do. In an effort to strengthen my marriage bond, over time, I lost the few friendships I had, but it didn't work and so I started keeping to myself. I'm a professional with many male colleagues and clients, but it never occurred to me to turn to them for encouragement or a listening ear; my issues at home were my cross to bear, so to speak. Our marriage had since deteriorated further, to the point where I was ready to call it quits, but we agreed to give it one final shot for the sake of our children. A week later there was a life-changing event which left my husband temporarily disabled and in need of my constant care. Since I still loved him deeply, and since we were determined to make our marriage work, I used this challenge to show him how much he and our marriage meant to me. I gave him a level of care that left the hospital and home-care staff, as well as his friends, speechless, and envious of our bond. I can honestly say that if he hadn't recovered, I would have had no regrets and known that I had done my best. No one knew that this was a one-way street. Therefore, the way he treated me during that time and in the months that followed, were a painful stab in the gut. I had no emotional bond with him at all, despite my love. But that was the last straw and my love waned. At the time, there was a male in my children's lives who was familiar with our home situation as he got to witness it on a daily basis, and when he asked how he could be of help, I unburdened myself to him. We started talking more frequently over the following months, and my husband did not appreciate it, to say the least. But instead of seeing the problem between the two of us, he destroyed the man whose kindness saved me. That man lost everything, and my marriage is on shakier ground.

Anonymous,
June 11, 2014 6:39 AM

The man probably deserved what he got. His conduct was severely inappropriate. He should not have emotionally involved himself with a married woman. And you are naive about his intentions. Although I am sure that he honestly wanted to help you, there was likely another undercurrent there. Your behavior was extremely inappropriate. I don't know what your husband did to "destroy" him, so can''t comment on that, but he was definitely right in ruthlessly putting an end to the relationship. You are so emotionally involved that you did not see the danger to yourself or your marriage. I do appreciate that it's incredibly painful to you. I hope your husband does see how he has been emotionally neglecting you and starts to give you the love and attention that you need. May G-d bless you with a happy and close marriage.

(72)
Jordana,
July 1, 2010 1:06 PM

what is everyone so aggressive about?

As I read the article, i found it to be right on the mark. After reading the feedback comments, I am shocked that so many people are clueless about the fragility of marriage. If one doesn't work at building a relationship with a spouse EVERY DAY, it can dissipate, the closeness can just go away, leaving resentment and dispair. The reason why we don't close the door when alone with a member of the opposite sex (such as at work or parent-teacher interviews) is to prevent the "wrong appearances". Does that mean we are going to be intimate with every member of the opposite sex just because we're alone with them? of course not, it means that if we put the gates t-h-i-s far away from the danger, there is little risk of falling into the danger itself. Even if we stumble, we'll only be "this" far away from the danger. Put the gates of protection so close to the danger that a sneeze can make you fall into disaster, and you have no chance at safety. The Torah teaches us how to live, maybe some of these readers need to take a good look at their intentions and the way Hashem has prescribed our behaviours.

(71)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2010 4:00 PM

Re:Sofiya

I like your comment, I think it very much reflects what I was thinking after reading this article.

(70)
Sofiya,
May 22, 2010 1:23 PM

Unbelievable!

If I saved all news & events for my fiance only, I'd burst! If I am not to share anything with anyone outside my home, what about my relationship with my family members? I talk to them and attend outings with them that are interesting to us and not my fiance. Should I stop these too? A relationship is based on trust. Your article is obviously for couples who do not trust one another and are in danger of falling into an emotional relationship with someone other than their spouse. My creativity and curiosity are sparked by my colleagues and my friends, both of my and of the opposite sex. They make my life interesting and introduce me to ideas that I love to share with my fiance. So please don't tell me that sharing a joke with my colleagues will doom my upcoming marriage.

(69)
esther,
May 17, 2010 2:46 PM

maybe we shouldnt have friends at all???

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE BEING UNFAITHFUL? all 7 points that you ask us to check out - will have the same result whether our friends are same sex or opposite sex.
if i "chewed something to death" and have no desire to repeat it all over again to my spouse - it is because of the repetition, not because of opposite sex relattionships. it is just boring all over again...
i would like to hear your opinion.
thanks,

(68)
Roberto (Ben Noach) Battistini,
May 16, 2010 6:58 PM

A very amazing and good article. I'm passed throught some marriage disease, that were typicaly rooted upont the lost of energy described above in the article. Only focusing energy avoiding futile and dangerous behaviour with member of the opposite sex, I realized how the chance to improve of my marriage were higher and....I finally have saved it!! Todah rabbah meod for the beautiful words Rabbi Neuman!

(67)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2010 1:59 PM

Re: Harlen, response 64

This is a very good point, I agree...;)...I have looked up the meaning of your name and it means 'army land'...you definitely are in the line of fire...surrounded by so many women...on a daily basis...;)...

(66)
Anne,
May 14, 2010 1:05 PM

SoTrue!

It's good to read what I have always felt within, when all my friends thought I was old-fashioned!!!
Once I had a cup of coffee with a male colleague, and I felt really that it was inapropriate!
The true TSNIOUT is not about the length of your skirt but about your ATTITUDE, and this goes for both men and women!

(65)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2010 1:42 AM

I hear ya

i hear it, and i think it's true. i also would add that facebook, internet and email adds to this mystique of being in touch with friends or old friends of the opposite gender. I can see why you'd point out that it's not where our energy should be going.
thanks - from the Mrs

(64)
Harlen,
May 13, 2010 9:14 PM

Dangers in Marriage-

A great danger in marriage is loss of trust and income.I'm in the fashion world and have women around me all day. So spare me your b.s.

(63)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2010 10:37 AM

Crimes and Misdemeanours

I have seen some real life womanizers and I can say that having friends of the opposite gender does not necessarily mean always a trouble. It very much depends on the situation. I am a faithful person and I have never cheated on my spouse.
If there is a real attraction between two people than it is more tempting than if there is not, nevertheless I still believe that it is in the hands of the woman to control the situation and let the other interested party know that the spouse she has at home is enough for her. Sometimes there are misunderstandings and they stem also from the fact that the interested party does not know that someone is married.

(62)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2010 2:10 AM

Same true for naive, normal relationships between women

It is most common that women have close relationships with their female friends and family members,sisters and sisters in law, neighbors, etc..Hours are spent together raising children, in playgrounds, phone calls, shopping , walks, "chessed" projects and even in shul.
Without meaning to, many women turn to female friends and discuss difficulties with husbands, meaning well and seeking advice, comfort, and recognition for endless efforts in managing a home with "shalom bayit".
Any intimate relationship requires emotional intimacy and support . "Good wives" don't talk "bad" about the spouse, just focus on gaining strength or positive recognition ' without thinking this is talking "Lashon Hara"!
Just think about these discussions in terms of emotional fidelity or lack of it.
Are we truely honest with our husbands , emotionally honest with ourselves?
Often it's difficult communicating with husbands emotionaly, and as girls we feel comfortable discussing emotions within our natural support group, our friends.
Consider this thought- How would we feel if our husbands would discuss these matters with their friends at work, at the "kosher gym", before and after davening, shiyur. etc. We most probably would feel "cheated".
If there is have a problem communicating on an emotional level with our spouses- first recognize the problem and seek professional help!
Don't talk about private, intimate issues with friends- of the same or the opposite sex. As written so well in the article , emotional energy is limited,
Any giving or seeking intimate emotional nurturing (without physical contact) through talks with friends, is draining that energy from your marriage,so spend it with care.

(61)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2010 1:22 AM

after much thought i see this a fence.for certain not essential for all couples but good advice

as many cooments testify it is possible to have close friends of the opposite gender without damaging a marriage. at the same time many other comments show the danger such relationships pose to marriage.it seems to me it depends on the individuals and environment how strictly one chooes to follow this advice. at minimum i can appreciate the wisdom of the author's view and again at minimum i'd advise at least asking ones potentilal spouse or present one if already married how they feel about this issue

(60)
Anonymous,
May 12, 2010 6:38 PM

I don't know about you or your readers, but I don't have enough friends to abandon the ones that I have because they may not be of my gender. Relationships need to be managed, and you need to know what is appropriate and what is not. Maybe the people who come to you for counseling don't know how to do that - and that's why they get to you in the first place.

(59)
Rachel,
May 12, 2010 4:57 PM

Sometimes colleagues ARE the only appropriate people to talk to

My spouse and I are in very different fields. For various reasons, we don't discuss work issues with each other, and we do with colleagues. Reasons people may do this may be requirements of their job (a professional may not violate attorney-client or physician-patient privilege; government classified information may only be discussed with others with a similar security clearance) or because they need the advice of colleagues' expert opinions that a spouse not in that field cannot provide. So when we get home from work, we'll ask about each other's day, we'll discuss matters of common interest (our children, our community, our hobbies) but not work. And if one of us is exhausted, the other gives the support or space that's needed. We've been doing this for 28 years, so we must be doing something right....

(58)
Anonymous,
May 12, 2010 7:48 AM

The cheater loves being a cheat

I agree with how you direct couples. If both partners are on the same way length, this would truly help a marriage. In the real world, that is not always the case. Men that are womanizer's, want to be that way. If you express how you feel about it, he may stop that around you, but will continue to be away from you. I can work around and do projects with; volunteer work with the opposite sex without feeling an emotional charge for them. This is more about what a person is like. If a person is a flirt when they are married, that does mean trouble. Whether the flirt is your spouse or someone from the outside flirting with them. Someone that is like that is looking for an affair. They are just waiting for someone that will say yes to them. The flirting is testing the water to see if the other will warm up and respond back. The "flirt" knows from the other response whether there is a possiblity. Beware of the flirt! This article has very sound advise. The only problem is that the people reading it are the faithful ones. The spouse that needs to; sees the title "infidelity" and will stay clear from it. To say the opposite sex can not work together without emotional bonds to take place, would be extreme. For some that may be a problem. Once a cheat always a cheat is usually the rule. Because cheating is in their heart; it is what they want to do and want to be like. It's a choice they have embedded into them. General rule: You should never be alone with the opposite sex when you are married other than your spouse.(family) This practice whether married or not is applied in doctor offices, during evaluations at the workplace--the door is kept open or another female has to be present. I work around some people that come to work to socialize more than they work. We are paying them to work! Can people keep the focus? Whether as a paid worker or a marriage agreement of fidelity?

(57)
Anon,
May 12, 2010 6:00 AM

100 percent true

This article is 100 percent true- regardless of what time and age we live in, true platonic relationships between men and women NEVER exist! Whether it be emotional or physical connectedness, this energy is meant to be directed to our spouses... opposite sex friendships should be avoided if the goal is to remain faithful to your significant other... regardless of how anyone wants to justify their opposite sex friendships there is an element of chemistry or difference in relating that men and women experience, and this is the way Gd intended, so that men and women can properly unite within the context of marriage and marriage ONLY!

(56)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2010 10:46 PM

In deed this happened to our marriage!

I agree with the article, my husband ended up having emotional feelings for our mutual friend, he had detached emotionaly from me, he only had eyes for her. Our mutual friend, realized what was happening and she came to me and told me that she did not want to be part of this, so she detached from our friend ship but our marriage has suffered greatly. I do not know how to trust my husband anymore. He neglected me so much; while he was so attached to her that I suffered greatly, I feel broken hearted and I do not belief in him any more. To me is as if he truely cheated on me. while he was emotionally attached to her, I was unable to talk to him everything I did was wrong, he could not stand me by his side, it was awful.

(55)
Phil,
May 11, 2010 5:37 PM

A hit dog hollers

One who is blind to the truth cannot be made to see. This is a remarkably wise article, well-written and totally consonant with Torah ideals.
Had I read it four years ago I would probably still be married.

(54)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2010 5:29 PM

small emendations

Your article was largely correct. However, you state repeatedly that the reason you can't relate to a spouse after interacting with others is the lack of energy. "You can only do so much" That is not correct. Believe me. the Yetzer Hara will give you the energy to tell a joke or be friendly with 10 or 50 or 100 others. When it comes to your wife, whether she is 11rh, or 51st, or 101 you will be expended. That is because as I recall the Rav Nevenzhal explained in one of his books, when you are married, you form a combined man-woman soul. That is united spiritually in the upper worlds as well as physically. That married soul is damaged by your interaction by others of the opposite sex. Or by Yihud, which you didn't mention, with another of the opposite sex. That is why when the wife or husband comes home, there is no "energy" to be intimate, to be humorous, to give gifts to your spouse. Instead you suddenly find fault with each other on every little thing and on nonexistent things. The real reason is that this man woman soul has been damaged. And fighting
begans. and sometimes worse. The correct solution is as you say, to cease and desist with your varied relationships with others of the opposite sex and only relate in a formal and business like way when necessary.

(53)
Tony,
May 11, 2010 5:13 PM

I think culture and norm are important concepts to be considered in this subject. Hence, it may be out of place to generalised

(52)
beth,
May 11, 2010 4:14 PM

I think some people are not getting the point

As I understand it, the issue is not that emotional intimacy with members of the opposite sex could lead to infidelity (though that is an issue too obviously) it's that everything that you are giving to these other individuals by flirting, spending time, and/or confiding in them is taking away from the emotional intimacy with your spouse. Though I really think that this problem is not limited to members of the opposite sex- you could be spending way too much time sharing your feeling with a best girfriend when you should use it to stay close to your spouse. Some people just need more relationships. I'm not one of those people and I find that if I'm calling others a lot to talk about problems, etc. it's because me and the hubby are not connecting as we should be.

(51)
Yehoshua,
May 11, 2010 3:24 PM

To 45-- indeed one size fits all!

I agree so whole-heartedly with this article, because I know that the Torah has no tolerance for "emotional infedelity." No tolerance for any of the aspects discussed in the "test yourself" section of this important article.
Of course, having come from California-- prior to aliya many years ago, I can appreciate the fact that this article will strike most people as odd. But you guys should know that there is a sorld of difference between society as you know it, and the healthy society that I have come to know...a world of difference! And I know both of these worlds...

(50)
anonymous,
May 11, 2010 2:55 PM

This article is very relevant. It is the precursor to many things...one of them being an oft overlooked way to promote jealousy and animosity between spouses.
I have a girlfriend who leans on me and her husband and I speak as well. My husband noticed our friend's husband doing so and we have been thinking about ways to speak to him to get him help from perhaps a male friend -perhaps my husband instead of me. I took small steps in lessening this. I have stopped responding to the emails that he sends filled with jokes and trivia. It really is unnecessary for him to email me.
Look, for all of those who oppose this article...it makes my husband uncomfortable. Enough said. Who comes first? My husband or our friend's husband? I really hope all of you will pick the correct answer......

(49)
Andy,
May 11, 2010 2:02 PM

the illussion of intimacy with many results in no real intimacy with any.

Basically I agree with the author. This view goes against the current thinking that close friendships between members of the opposite sex are as healthy as those involving same genders but it seems to me that the Torah sages and current thinking have never been completely in sync no matter what the time period. In response to #1 it is a mistake to think that within traditional/haredi circles one is encouraged to marry without chemistry. While hardly the only or even the most important it is an essential ingredient and it is forbidden to marry someone who in secular terms one is physically" turned off" by .

(48)
Little Gator,
May 11, 2010 12:42 PM

I agree wholeheartedly with this article. I have been married for 11 years and have noticed the differences when I have had relationships with gentlemen as well as those who are negative (whether male or female) and are negative influences. It is a relatively american/western concept that one cannot stand being told, who and/or what they can do and associate with. I would like to reiterate the authors statement.
"When you find yourself getting irritated with what I have to say, consider: Why does it bother you? Why are you resisting the idea? Why not see if I'm right by making some changes? What is it that you're trying to protect by maintaining the kind of relationships you're presently involved in? If these relationships aren't as "damaging" as I say, because you say you don't find them that important and they aren't going to lead anywhere, then prove it to yourself by letting go of them. If they don't mean that much to you, why the irritation when I ask you to cut back on these friendships?"
Think about it before you get emotional please.

(47)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2010 6:09 AM

Mind-boggling how anyone can commend this article.

(46)
Susan,
May 11, 2010 2:42 AM

You have such an excess of friends that you'll throw these away?

I don't know about you, but I value every one of my friends and am not about to throw one away based on your theories. What's worse, somewhere an abusive, controlling spouse is going to use this article as an excuse to demand an end to supportive friendships outside the home. I dress modestly and behave appropriately; that's all it takes to keep these friendships comfortably in the safe zone. What next, segregated buses? Such nonsense.

(45)
Wendy Gold,
May 10, 2010 6:00 PM

One size doesn't fit all

Sure, some people are in danger of being tempted emotionally or physically by someone outside their marriage, but how does that lead to a policy of EVERYONE being advised to only make friends with the same sex? The fact is that millions of married people manage to have opposite-sex friends and remain happily married. If you think you are at risk for ruining your marriage by doing anything wrong, such as drinking too much, being on the computer too much, having poor listening skills, etc., OR letting opposite-sex friends tempt you in any way, then stop doing the objectionable thing. But to say all opposite-sex friendships outside marriage is unadvisable, is not backed up by the facts. It's not the friendships, it's the lack of moral restraint, or naivete, or being with the wrong spouse to begin with, that causes the problem. In fact, this sounds very Arab, the concept that (usually the woman) even casual contact with members of the opposite sex somehow leads to ruin.

(44)
Margaret,
May 10, 2010 3:23 PM

Why just opposite sex?

This article illustrates a very important point- we need to share our thoughts and activities with our spose first, than with friends , including both opposite and same sex friends! One of the best ways to keep the marriage alive is to start a project together, work on it together and discuss it with your spouse. You will discover new wonderfull qualities and remember the attributes that made you fall in love with this person. How many of us know a couple who went separate ways after the long years of HIS hockey -nights with his "buddies "and HER weekend shopping trips with other "gals"? They just lost touch with each other. Please , "wake up and smell the coffee"!

(43)
Rena,
May 10, 2010 2:43 PM

I'm really shocked

I'm really shocked at all the comments here that think Mr. Nueman's views are extreme or archaic. I 100% agree with him. If you read the examples that he lists it would be clear to you that he is not suggesting zero contact with members of the opposite sex, just guarded and with a lot of necessary boundaries, I am divorced and throughout my eleven year marriage I would never have allowed any of the above listed examples to happen. When you are married there is absolutely no excuse to have an exclusive friend of the opposite sex, no good can come from it. And to those of you who brought up same sex friends that serve the same purpose, one must be careful to have the spouse as the primary confidant and person to emotionally rely on.

(42)
lauren inker,
May 10, 2010 2:03 PM

emotional infidelity?

this is absurd. men and women can be friends and colleagues without temptations to infidelity. why would any of us want to hash out our work problems at home? that is what your colleagues are for.

(41)
tzipporah,
May 10, 2010 1:08 PM

To Dean who wrote "Rubbish" - ignorant of truth

Mr. Krohn, your words here, "A spouse who feels threatened by most of your described activities is in need of serious therapy. The important thing is that you come home after work and have intimacy exclusively with your mate. Then, you and your spouse can have a beer and laugh off whatever nonsense took place at the office," show the ignorance of many today who share your view on this subject. We need to be honest with ourselves about our human weaknesses. The important thing is not just about what happens physically. We need to be strong and guard ourselves emotionally by following the advice that is given in this article, and as someone else wrote earlier, instruction from Pirkei Avot also.
We have to realize our own human weaknesses... it is natural for a spouse to feel jealous or insecure when they are faced with their spouse spending much time or effort on someone else. We are very insecure and superficial as human beings. This is part of the reason why we do not look at the Kohanim when they give the birkat kohanim, so that we not look at them and think they look silly or stupid when they are doing their task to bestow Hashem's blessing upon us. If that is the case, how sensitive should we be to our weaknesses when it comes to the attractiveness of members of the opposite sex.
Be HONEST. Our EMOTIONS are what drive us and we need to guard them.

(40)
tzipporah,
May 10, 2010 12:31 PM

keep friendships only with members of same sex

I agree with Mr. Neuman all the way.
My husband and I do not have any friends of the opposite gender, unless they are married couples and we hang out together as couples, but they are not people that the other does not know. We agree that that situation is dangerous to a marriage for the same reasons listed here.
I think it is important for men and women to have friends of the same sex though. Men need to connect to males and women to other females. This can be beneficial when talking about issues that come up, with getting advice for a course of action, for just doing hobbies that your spouse may not enjoy as much.
Great article and I do not find it at all archaic but rather a very necessary message, especially for today's society.

Anonymous,
June 11, 2014 6:49 AM

Even couples hanging out with couples may not be such a good idea, as per another article on aish.com (a cautionary tale).

(39)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2010 12:26 PM

Pure ego and neediness

It takes an incredibly inflated and needy ego to declare that you be "all that" to a partner. This article smacks of the extremism of Saudi culture. Having lived with someone who demanded 24/7 attention and "worship," I also find that this verges on IDOLATRY!

(38)
todd,
May 10, 2010 6:40 AM

yes, the same can be true with same sex friendships

I"ve read gary's book and he makes this point. Imagine how a wife would feel if her husband shares more intimate details about his life with his close friend or brother, than with her? she'll feel second fiddle. The key to a great marriage is making sure your spouse feels she is number one. She's the prioirty, the main person you're sharing your life. that doesn't mean no friends! it means everything needs to be in its proper proportion.

(37)
Pilar,
May 10, 2010 5:22 AM

Next, censure for women who have a coffee with man who is not family

I think this article comes dangerously close to the fanatical way in which some religious groups view contact between the sexes. In Saudi Arabia they recently arrested and jailed a woman who had a cup of coffee with a man who was not her husband. If in order to be faithful a couple have to forfeit their friends, this is the beginning of an unhealthy dependence. This kind of isolation is unnatural. I would not feel comfortable asking my husband to never look at another woman or have another woman friend. Nor would I tolerate the same request. What an insecure marriage would we have then!

(36)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2010 3:01 AM

true and adulterers seek the same

while it seems possible to have friendly relations with someone of the opposite sex emotional intimacy with one other than a spouse is as dangerous as physical intimacy.in fact i suspect that unconsciously adulterers are seeking emotional intimacy and accepting the counterfeit [illusion of intimacy]which for certain is easier to handle than the real deal.

(35)
Rebecca,
May 10, 2010 2:29 AM

By this logic, we should have NO friends

By this logic, we should have no friends at all outside marriage. In fact, no relationships at all! Talking to female friends all day at work can be just as exhausting, if not more exhausting, than talking to males. Also, the relationships one forms with members of the same sex can sometimes be even deeper and more intimate than the relationship with a spouse. You didn't make it clear why only relationships of the OPPOSITE sex are so dangerous, since we're assuming this won't lead anywhere physical.
I agree with others who have said it depends on the marriage and it depends on the outside relationship. Obviously, male-female friendships CAN be very dangerous to a marriage, but this sounds like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

(34)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2010 12:51 AM

could be "negligible" enough to rationalize, but not enough to be inconsequential

when it comes to inter-gender interaction, once it's not professional, technical or negative, it's, to the smallest of degrees, intimate. intimate because the vast majority of people derive enjoyment from said interaction. (not worth going into the psychology of this if we can just accept it's accuracy.) that established, knowing what that "thrill" feels like to you, how would you feel knowing that your significant other felt that way towards someone of the opposite gender? feel free to discredit it as insignificant in the scheme of things, but if it bothers or hurts you at all, that's a crack in the foundation. even if those cracks are indiscernible, the foundation will cleave along those fissures when it suffers a blow it could have otherwise sustained.

(33)
Judith,
May 10, 2010 12:04 AM

What about same-sex friends?

You say, "When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does." This would apply equally to a good friend of the same sex too, wouldn't it? Some women are emotionally closer to their female friends and some men are emotionally closer to their male friends than to their spouse.
You say, "If we started a family, we'd feel obligated to focus our attention on our child. We wouldn't dream of spending large amounts of time alone with another child." And yet countless parents spend large amounts of time working and allowing daycare and babysitters to raise their children, so this analogy is sadly, not one that many relate to these days.

(32)
Lisa,
May 9, 2010 11:54 PM

No human contact

I share an office space with three male co-workers. The only one female co-worker is a nasty woman who lashes out at me.
I try to minimize the conversation, as I am married. But it is hard being in an office and not having any human contact for 8 hours.

(31)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 11:50 PM

so true

so so true. i know this becoz my spouse has a close "friendship" with a member of the opp sex at work. I 1000% know there is nothing going on, but emotionally, they spend way more together than I do, and yes, when there are work issues that is who they turn to. very difficult, but thank you for publicizing this issue!

(30)
anon,
May 9, 2010 11:15 PM

It's not much of a marriage if it's threatened by any contact with the opposite sex

(29)
Tzvi,
May 9, 2010 10:28 PM

Borders are not just for nations

As a teacher in public school, I see how friendships need border guards just like the U.S./Mexico border. To those who find the article's position extreme- NOBODY is saying to be paranoid or antisocial. Nevertheless, there is a difference between job related discussions and excessive, idle chatter with the opposite sex. For the person who asked what the biblical or talmudical source is- check the 1st chapter of Pirkei Avot where it says "Al tarbeh sicha im ha'isha" -- don't talk excessively with women.
Once again, this does not mean that all speech is off limits. It may help to erect your own fences/boundaries at work. Flirting with anyone at work is asking for trouble. Regarding the author's statement that socialization can constitute emotional infidelity- let's not kid ourselves. Human hormones and emotions are very powerful forces. There are many nice and attractive people in the world. Excessive chitchat- ESPECIALLY when combined with alcohol can lead down very dangerous roads very quickly. It was because of just these types of situations that our Sages prohibited gentile wine, and required that a Jew have some role in food preparation for cooked items. Once again for the person who wondered what is the source- look in the book of Daniel and see how he avoided gentile wines and foods. Our Sages of Blessed Memory were trying to make our lives easier and protect us from serious danger- danger that had already brought about destruction and untold suffering. Our Prophets loved us so much and wanted us to taste the sweetness of Hashem's Torah and its blessings.
For a better understanding of this idea, I recommend Rabbi Manis Friedman's book "Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore?" as well as Rabbi Tovia Singer's "Let's Get Biblical" lecture series- specifically the 2 part lecture set titled "The Oral Law".

(28)
Miri,
May 9, 2010 10:22 PM

The real issues are deeper than the gender of your friend

"Protect your marriage by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite sex"... ?? Huh?? Are you seriously endorsing this idea, Aish?? If you need to 'protect' your marriage by avoiding friendships, then there is already something wrong with your marriage, and it is not your friends' fault.
The real issue is not that your friends are the opposite sex. The issue is with yourself... you are either extremely jealous or possessive of your spouse, or you simply cannot trust yourself or your spouse to be around the opposite sex. If this is the case, then you probably were not mature enough to make the commitment to marriage in the first place. Get past your jealousy and trust issues before you get married and you will not feel uncomfortable about your spouse or yourself having friends of the opposite sex.

(27)
Mrs. RB,
May 9, 2010 8:31 PM

On the mark

Thank you for your powerful insight. It's not about what's technically illegal or immoral. Isn't it really about building our marriages? In the divorce prone socieity we live in, isn't it about the "exquisite labor" (in the words of Rebbetzin Tehilla Jaeger) we need to invest in our marriages to make them work and last and be not just passable, but exquisite? Isn't that what we bless each bride and groom, to build a bayis neeman, a faithful home, a home built on trust and dedication, and being there for eachother? How wonderful to read such an article where we are encouraged to engender that blessing, to be partners with G-d Himself, in creating that exquisite marriage (culled from Rav Mattisyahu Solomon, shlita). Indeed it is a lot of work, but so exquisite and a blessing in our lives.

(26)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 8:26 PM

"When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does." This statement may apply equally to someone of the same and of the opposite gender. Yet Rabbi Neuman focusus only on the relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

(25)
Mindy,
May 9, 2010 7:25 PM

Right ON!

I wish this had been available years ago, to show to friends who needed to see it. It's a slippery slope from friendship to flirting to questioning your own relationships.
Yiska mentioned having casual conversations with the opposite sex and not having it progress. Women can do this, but men have a harder time of this. (Yes there are exceptions, but you may not run into them.) If you make sure that all your non-work conversations are about FAMILY, it is easier to keep your priorities straight. One of my colleagues will tell me about books he found that my husband will like, and I will ask another co-worker about when his wife will be available for certain events. But my husband is my best friend, and everyone else has to take a number.

(24)
Jong,
May 9, 2010 6:42 PM

True and Relevant

I totally agree with the author. For the last few months I had some email exchange with a guy who I came to know from my work but who I haven’t met personally. I did not take it serious until he decided to come to meet me during his vocational trip. He even suggested that we go to a two night trip to a famous beach area. I felt awkward, uncomfortable, because I was not flirting but just helping him with some information and besides both of us were married although we were not with our spouses temporarily due to the work.
My emotional stress was getting bigger. Something told me it was just not all right. I made it clear I will not accompany him in the trip but failed to tell him not to come and meet me. However I made sure my husband know about his arrival. He came and I helped him with sightseeing for a half day. I kept distance. Thanks God all went fine.
I realize people can interpret kindness differently. I will not exchange innocent emails with opposite sex at all.

(23)
Rochel,
May 9, 2010 6:40 PM

To Anonymous with Wife who is emotionally connected to her child...

Sorry to tell you, but that is where her connection belongs. A woman with children should not get remarried in the first place. She owes it to her child. Maybe if you understood that that is where her emotional connection should be, encourage that bond, and participate, you would be able to renew your connection with her. You did not mention whether you have children together, but the worst thing for a kid who is the VICTIM of divorce is for their parents, either one, to remarry and make a new family with somone else. SO, I say Baruch HaShem and Kudos to your wife for keeping her emotional connections where they should be, her child, who will be shaped as a human being by that connection. Her connection with you is definately secondary.
There is a difference, ofcourse, when there is an intact family. In that case both parents have the best interest of child in heart and there is less of a struggle, so you cannot compare the sitruation.

(22)
Beth,
May 9, 2010 6:25 PM

So much clarity here...most importantly, this applies to the Dating Relationship as well. How can we possibly focus on a prospective, potential husband or wife if we're diluting the relationship with 'real effort' toward maintaining the same 'friendships' with our friends of the opposite sex?

(21)
jason,
May 9, 2010 6:05 PM

its tough to admit to the truth of this artilce

but if we are real honest, and open ourselves up to the kind of exclusive, intimate marriage the author is getting at, it's obvious that getting emotionally close to someone else from the opposite sex hampers the marriage. That energy and closeness should be directed toward the spouse. Of course one needs to be courteous and friendly to coworkers - that's not what the author is talking about. Being courteous is one thing, going out for a drink and pouring out your heart, sharing your private life etc is something else altogether. If there isn't that sense of jealousy and violaton, then it just shows how far we have sunk as a society.

(20)
Elchanan Schulgasser,
May 9, 2010 6:02 PM

Terrific book, too

Neuman's book, Emotional Infidelity, is excellent. Very readable with anecdotes and examples. Very practical. One of my favorite books, period.

(19)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 5:59 PM

Playing with fire

Since we are made in the image of Hashem then surely our spouses are infinitely fascinating and we need not look elsewhere for excitement. If we are tempted then I say that we are inching closer to transgression. In Mishlei we are warned about desires overtaking us and listening to wisdom. Rabbi Neuman is giving us a modern version of Mishlei. Not keeping these percepts will lead to our own demise. I know two marriages that were destroyed. And it always happens so innocently. It is never an earth shattering experience. It can begin with an innocent coffee. Then couple of weeks later it is sharing a personal problem. Nothing wrong with that, right? But then he or she lends a shoulder to cry on. Nothing wrong with that, right? Or, the other person gently touches the other to tell them that all is well. Nothing wrong with that, right? Or after telling a joke in the office one of them touches the other's shoulder as a sign of acknowledgement. Is that all right? Did you know that studies have shown that touching a member of the other sex for more than 20 seconds one begins to bond with them? Did you also know that a man only needs to speak to a woman in a neutral tone or positively and the woman will begin to have positive thoughts about him. That is what modern research has shown. As long as the man does not say anything negative the woman will begin to think positive things about him. She does not even know this. So, does anyone still think that our ancient wisdom is backward? Thank you Rabbi Neuman.

(18)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 5:50 PM

Not a straight black & white situation

I agree that there are situations where one spouse is not giving the marriage his or her full energy (manifested in a variety of ways), and that this can sometimes lead to either emotional and or physical infidelity. However, to say that it is dangerous to have a platonic friendship (no flirting or sexual feelings involved) with someone of the opposite sex is something I would expect to hear being promoted by a man living in a restrictive Moslem society - not by someone from a democratic, Western society. I am involved in a serious relationship with someone to whom I am completely committed. That doesn't mean that I have cut off all my previous friends - either male or female.

(17)
Yiska,
May 9, 2010 5:47 PM

I Would Be Isolated

...if I couldn't have casual conversations with the opposite sex. I can not stand catty females, my husband understands this, and I spend time with him AND our guy friends without cheating.
It can be done.

Anonymous,
June 11, 2014 6:54 AM

Wow, that's difficult. Good for you for being strong!

(16)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 5:38 PM

infidelity with children

I don't fully agree with the premise but for the sake of argument, you left one type of "infidelity" out of the equation. Children. They can also draw one spouse emotionally away. My wife's emotional "connection" is with a child from a former marriage, and the priority of their emotional connection has destroyed what ever connection we once had. Our marriage is now only on paper.

(15)
SusanE,
May 9, 2010 5:30 PM

I See the Point.

I can't believe that I'm actually understanding this concept about friends outside marriage. Thank You. If your mate is as interested in what you have to say as your friends are, then the exclusive relationship will be enough. If you are as interested in what your mate says and does as her friends are, then it will work. Does the same rule apply to colleagues of the same sex? I've found that men are gool ole' boys bonding with their male friends and very bored at home. Same with women and women friends. It has to do with being non-judgemental. I agree that confiding in and having fun with friends does take away from marriage. Isn't there a way to combine both?

(14)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 5:23 PM

Indeed this Post is True

I Understand it's Merit Completely. I Agree with it those who don't are usually the first to Commit Adultery, I'm speaking from experience, with this One. Their was not A happy ending until me and my wife stopped seeing friends of the Opposite sex, the only Friends of the Opposite Sex we see now are Married

(13)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 4:55 PM

Excellent Article

People don't like to hear this, people love to call anyone who espouses such views archaic and small-minded, but if you look at the best marriages you know you will find them to be lacking in emotional infidelity. One commenter here talked about the corrosive effects of jealousy; the Talmud actually talks about this, and says that too much jealousy is a bad thing, BUT it also says that no jealousy is a very bad thing.
If someone's friend has a very close friendship with a member of the opposite sex and they don't have a problem with that it means they are not realizing the full potential of their marriage already, because if they were, an impediment life that would make itself very obvious...

(12)
Kathleen,
May 9, 2010 4:52 PM

Chastity belts for everyone!

These recommendations are too severe for the modern workplace. How awful to have to live in a cell in public. I disagree, and I'm sticking to it!

(11)
miriam w cohen,
May 9, 2010 3:59 PM

everything in moderation

really now, some people are just friends and it is ridiculous to have completely segregated societies. Most of the times people do have friends of their own sex, but there is work, and other situations. I do not agree with this kind of mindset at all. And I do not think that a friendship automatically leads to adultery.

(10)
Betty Moses,
May 9, 2010 3:52 PM

I cannot agree with all that is said. I have had childhood friends f both male & female f rom kindergarten, through high school & have maintained their friendship. When we meet its fun & relaxing to talk about old times. It has never interfered with my married life. A friend is a friend no matter what the gender.

(9)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 3:37 PM

Beautiful!

This article is amazing. I admire the bravery of the writer to expose himself to being ridiculed, critisized and condemned and to nonetheless portray the truth as it is! Yasher koach! Keep up the good work.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 3:29 PM

I agree with "Depends on the marriage"

Sometimes, if a husband is completely emotionally disconnected, such as in Asperger's syndrome, which is predominantly a male syndrome, a wife has no choice but to seek emotional sustenance outside the marriage.

Ayelet,
March 23, 2014 10:36 PM

Can't be both ways

A person is either fully married or fully not married, no such thing as in between. If a person is seeking emotional fulfillment with the opposite sex outside of marriage, one needs to reevaluate how to stay in or how to leave their marriage. Trying to have both ways is not fair to anybody.

(7)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 3:22 PM

Yes and no ... mileage varies from person to person.

I both agree and disagree with the above article. I know from first hand experience that emotional intimacy with another can be damaging to a marriage. Must it be, no. The problem occurs if the emotional intimacy with another carves out of the marriage relationship aspects which were exclusive to that marriage. (I use the word "exclusive" because sexual exclusivity is generally focused on.)
So consider this scenario: Your spouse has no interest in something about which you are passionate. It could be anything; music, photography, sports, ______. Sharing that passion with another without impinging upon the set of exclusive activities is reasonable and may actually provide more balance, (i.e. no resentment towards one's spouse). If, however, more and more time is taken away from your spouse, and/or the boundaries of exclusion start to change, this does likely indicate a problem.
Unfortunately, most of us cannot neatly sequester ourselves so neatly that some overlap does not occur. Be aware then of how your thoughts and emotions shift. How much time is spent thinking or fantasizing or anticipating being with your friend? If that starts to grow, and you find yourself becoming more critical towards your spouse, you have a problem. Best, to be honest with yourself, and monitor how your emotional and imaginary mindscapes are changing.
Like so many things about being human and being in relationships, it is not easy to honestly parse out the details. You can, however, track changes as I have described above, and you can observe patterns which indicate emerging problems.
Not being in relationship to others is neither realistic or possible. (We are social creatures.) But, with a single primary commitment being front and centre, and a commitment to honesty with oneself, potentially hazardous problems can be identified and dealt with before they become overwhelming.

(6)
Dean Krohn,
May 9, 2010 3:04 PM

Rubbish!

I would be interested in seeing your biblical, talmudic, or other references to "emotional adultery." Your article does more to generate guilt than mature relationships. Jealousy is a far greater threat to marriage than any innocent encounter with a friend of the opposite sex. A spouse who feels threatened by most of your described activities is in need of serious therapy. The important thing is that you come home after work and have intimacy exclusively with your mate. Then, you and your spouse can have a beer and laugh off whatever nonsense took place at the office.

(5)
Yackov,
May 9, 2010 3:01 PM

Problematic

I am sure this man is a great expert, but also probably some what aged, quite literally. Friendships need not go anywhere ever with either sex. However, sometimes friends are only that and if you have a few female friends, it is not damaging to a marriage. it is only damaging if those friendships take the place of your spouse in your life.
Also, in today's modern culture, most young adults and below are now friend with tremendous amounts of people, both sexes, races, religions, and sexual preference. In such an ever evolving world. These children and young adults are going to see friends as only that and when they see that most marriages, and probaly their parents' marriages did not work out they are going to be resigned to keeping themselves (not everyone mind you) away from fully giving over to another person, they will want to keep what friends they have.
In the culture of today, we have iconic figures like the sex and the city girls, who not only discuss everything with each other regarding every detail of their lives, including sex, but we also have those of the Hangover Guys. these friendships can be just as disastrous and dangerous.
truthfully, friendships, like the marriage should be seen and dealt with as friendships. We should remember to never replace our spouse. They should come first, but having opposite friends does not mean they no longer do. it is up to each individual couple to work within the parameters of their marriage and work it out. for the health and well being of the marriage itself.
Also, a very brief sidenote, sending around a funny joke to other office workers while at work promotes good workplace attitude and helps to make a cohesive work unit that will produce better. As long as everything is kept appropriate and sent according to how everyone feels in relation to one another. For instance nothing extremely dirty, as it is also probably against the companies policiies

(4)
Chana Steinhart,
May 9, 2010 2:25 PM

I *am* shaking my head at this

Over the course of my professional life, I've worked in fields which are virtually exclusively male. Would you resign me to having no workplace relationships at all? My husband of 11 years and I both recognize the corrosive nature of jealousy; especially if I'm not available, I encourage him to see his friends -- yes, even single women -- and likewise, he knows that work is work and personal is personal. If "emotional infidelity" is part of the picture, the marriage is on shakey ground to begin with. Don't impose ideas on the population at large based on the outliers.

(3)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 11:34 AM

Not only friends from the opposite sex are a nuisance

One of the reasons I ended my marriage was his inexplicable emotional dependance on his siblings and mom. Everything, just about every issue was discussed with them, not only before it was discussed with me, but oftentimes in place of being discussed with me. He went as far as having a minor surgery surronded by his siblings, myself hearing about it only after it was over. Same thing as business trips, I would only hear about them a few days before.

(2)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 8:40 AM

Oh YES

Yup. My husband had a "friend". She was just a "friend". While I was working full-time and taking care of his house and children, he would sit with his "friend" for coffee or his lunch break.
He's married to her now.

Anonymous,
June 11, 2014 6:57 AM

Disgusting.I am sorry for your pain.

(1)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2010 8:03 AM

depends on the marriage

I agree with the above article...there's just one problem. In our culture we are not encouraged to marry for romantic love. We are encouraged to marry the person who seems like he could be a good friend, have the same values, help you raise children etc. One shouldn't be repulsed by the person but fireworks are not necessary. All these things are important. However, if romance is and never was in the picture you feel like you are married to your brother. That makes a person very vulnerable to someone who can offer that chemistry. How does one create chemistry in a marriage where it never existed? With the person whom you nag about getting the kids to school etc? Is it possible?

Anonymous,
June 11, 2014 7:01 AM

Yes, it' possible. A person is naturally a sexual being. If you limit other avenues/sources of chemistry, it will naturally focus on your wife.

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...