A lot of guys think that if they could just get together with their ex and talk things out, she’d want to get back together. This is almost never true. She dumped you for a reason. If she had wanted to talk things out instead, she would have. If she regrets breaking up with you, she would be in touch now. Since neither of those things are happening, you are going to stay dumped until and unless her perception of you changes.

Change the way she sees you

Changing how she sees you happens in two ways. The first is purely passive — with every day that goes by, the less she’ll remember the things she didn’t like about being with you and the more she’ll be open to changing her perception of you. That gives you room to give her a new image of you. But it’s on you to take advantage of this opportunity, and that’s where the second part comes in. You have to change yourself and be different. If you’re the same guy that she broke up with, the passage of time won’t help at all.

Do it on your own

When people change, it’s a gradual, almost imperceptible process. I used to have a strong Canadian accent. When I moved to the United States, I lost it. People who I talked to every day didn’t notice this happening at all. People who I talked to once or twice a year noticed it right away. Cut off contact with her so you have time and space to work on yourself. Don’t tell her why or be mean about it — just stop calling her until you’re ready to unveil the new you.

Change yourself

You may not know exactly why she broke up with you. People are often vague during breakups to avoid awkwardness or hurt feelings. But in most cases, it doesn’t really matter. Attraction is an emotional process, not a logical one. People feel attracted (or un-attracted) and then look for reasons why. Get better at attracting her and the reasons why she broke up with you won’t matter.

If you don’t know why she broke up with you, how are you supposed to know what to change about yourself? Get better with women in general. Go on lots of dates. Challenge yourself to succeed with more desirable women. Do not re-initiate contact with her until you’ve dated or hooked up with at least a half dozen women on her level or above.

Of course, sometimes you will know exactly why she broke up with you. If you drunkenly tried to make out with her sister, you’ll want to make changes in your life that show more responsibility or self-control. But most of the time, just concentrate on being more attractive to women in general.

Most of what attracts or repels a woman is “below the surface” — your body language, voice, tonality, mannerisms and so on. If you know deep down that she’s the best girl you could ever get and you’re desperate for her to take you back, she’s unlikely to feel attracted. But if you have the perspective that you know you could be with women on her level, but you specifically want her — well, that’s a lot more attractive. (You wouldn’t actually say this explicitly, but you don’t have to. Stuff like this comes out through your sub-communications.)

The other reason I tell you to date other women while you’re cutting off contact is you might learn something about yourself. A lot of the time when a guy is pining for his ex, it’s because he thinks that she’s the best he can do. Getting yourself out there again will show you other possibilities. A few months from now, you might not even want her.

Re-initiate contact

Once you’ve left enough time for her to refresh her memory or perception of you (usually a few months or so) and you’ve made positive changes in yourself (as long as it takes), you’re ready to re-initiate contact. Keep it neutral at first — finding something of hers, or needing something of yours that you left at her place, is a good pretext.

See her, have fun, but don’t push for anything or discuss your previous relationship. It all comes down to the emotions she feels when she’s with you. Send her a text message afterward to say that it was fun seeing her again. If she likes how she felt with you, you’ll get an enthusiastic response. If so, call her and chat and make plans. If not, start the process again from the top.

Nick Savoy is the President of Love Systems, the worldwide pickup artist and dating coaching school for men. Through books, DVDs and live training in bars, nightclubs, malls and parks, Love Systems has successfully trained tens of thousands of men to succeed with beautiful women since 2004.