In case you haven’t heard by now, Halle Berry‘s fiance Olivier Martinez beat the living shit out of her ex Gabriel Aubry‘s face after the two got into a fight on Thanksgiving morning when Gabriel dropped off Nahla, so right off the bat you know Halle made this all happen by standing on a balcony above waving her naked boobs around. It’s got her nipple-prints all over it. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Gabriel showed up to Halle’s house with Nahla for a custodial hand-off. We’re told Gabriel was still in the motor court (a rich person’s word for a giant driveway) when Olivier walked up to him and said, “We have to move on.”
According to witnesses, Gabriel then pushed Olivier and threw a punch at his face, but Olivier blocked it and the punch struck him in the shoulder instead. We’re told Gabriel then pushed Olivier to the ground, and Olivier cold-cocked him in the face, and a struggle ensued, ending with Olivier pinning Gabriel to the ground.

And my favorite part:

And finally, there’s this … specifics about the argument between Gabriel and Olivier are sketchy because they were trash talking each other in French.

“Gabriel, you are what our people call ‘les incompetents.'”
“Les poissons!” *brandishes croissant*

Of course, Gabriel couldn’t have given Halle a better holiday gift because now she has a legitimate reason to go to court and get a restraining order against him:

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ Halle and her lawyers are alarmed that Gabriel allegedly started the fight with Olivier Martinez right in front of 4-year-old Nahla. Although a judge issued an emergency order of protection — requiring Gabriel to stay 100 yards away from Halle, Nahla and Olivier — that order expires Tuesday.
We’re told Halle’s lawyers will be in family court asking a judge to extend that protection for an indefinite period of time.

More importantly, Halle Berry has awesome breasts as evidenced by the bikini photos below which honestly was the whole point of this post. Except for making Gabriel Aubry talk like the chef from The Little Mermaid because, holy shit, have I been sitting on that one. Bless you, Baguette Jesus.

While I want to make a joke here referencing Halle Berry’s specific brand of crazy, I’m legitimately sad this happened. It was exactly what Halle needed to take that little girl away from her dad for a long time. Notice how I didn’t say forever- eventually Nahla will discover the inter webs and learn the truth.

Halle Berry is crazy. I feel sorry for any man that gets involved with her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt years ago, but after all these men and all the bullshit, it is her, she is the problem. And yeah, i definitely think she setup Gabriel.

This has “set-up” written all over it. Halle is definitely in the crazy-not-stupid section of the plane and needed an edge to ensure that she could get sole custody of her child. Her batshit logic; persuade/manipulate Oliver to pick a fight with Gabriel and have witnesses on standby to say Gabriel started it. Open and shut case.

If there is a God, Oliver will cheat on her with a younger version of her and her child will not vilify her father.

Thanksgiving family fight ending in arrest?! I know we’re talking about two rich french guys and an even richer black woman but I’m certain sociologists are rewriting the definition of white trash as we speak.

You just know the French are laughing at us for not being able to know the specifics of the argument…because it was in French. “Les américains stupids…s’ils parlaient anglais en France, nous les aurions compris.” (“If they spoke English in France, we would have understood them.”)

Sad. There are so few people in the world that give a shit about anyone of us at any given time – and Berry is denying a person that seems to love her daughter very much and is trying to move her away from a father she really needs. Every little girl needs a father, and not every little girl gets one that’s good to her. Regardless of the past – I wonder how Berry is going to feel when her daughter becomes a judge and makes up her own mind and feels robbed. Quite sad – for a lttle girl – there is no substitute for one’s own father.

The overall message of this story is: “Stay the fuck away from Halle Berry”

Why is Gabriel even fighting Olivier? He’s not fucking Halle anymore, he has nothing to gain from starting a fistfight with whoever she happens to be fucking at the moment. Learn to pick your battles, dude.

When you’re a father that genuinely cares for your daughter, it would be pretty stressful to be forced to hand the little girl over to your insanely batshit crazy ex, and then to have some dude she’s fucking now stick his face in your car window and start shit with you at that exact instant could easily lead to violence, as Halle obviously intended it to.
The real moral of this story is always keep a loaded scatter gun under your car seat.

Who knew that models/ actors could hit anyone hard enough to send someone to a real hospital , not a movie or tv hospital? I am thoroughly shocked that they had enough muscle and didn’t care about their faces to come to blows!