Category: Social confidence system

Let’s start from analysing what self consciousness is and end with practical real life techniques that will help you to overcome Self Consciousness and gain self confidence.In between we are going to cover a lot of examples of self consciousness in different social situations and self evaluate the degree of your self consciousness also but i promise you that this is not going to be a boring ride.

What is Self Consciousness?

Following is the simple definition of Self Consciousness that i can relate to…

Self-consciousness is an acute sense of self-awareness. It is a preoccupation with oneself, as opposed to the philosophical state of self-awareness, which is the awareness that one exists as an individual being. An unpleasant feeling of self-consciousness may occur when one realizes that one is being watched or observed, the feeling that “everyone is looking” at oneself. Some people are habitually more self-conscious than others. Unpleasant feelings of self-consciousness are sometimes associated with shyness or paranoia. –Wikipedia

If the definition doesn’t make much sense let me explain with my favourite metaphor which i personally came up with in my quest of overcoming my own self consciousness .

In real world we have to use our senses-eyes,ears etc.. to listen and see the people around us to respond and react to others perfectly.Let’s crudely call it consciousness.

Imagine all people are fitted with a helmet with a Smartphone attached hanging in front that is big enough to hide your whole face blocking their vision.Now the only way to see the outer world is to use the smartphone’s front camera and watch the phone’s screen to interact with the people around you.We can still go around and interact with the People,Right?

Let say for some People their smartphone are in the Front camera mode automatically and they can see only themselves.They start seeing their own faces and facial expressions every time they interact socially with other people.Every time this happens they start to fumble around with their interactions with other people.They see their own frightened faces and get more nervous and this vicious cycle continues till they become worse and stop avoiding interacting with the outer world.Let’s Crudely call this as self consciousness.

Now all that is needed to be done,to make them normal,is to change their camera to back camera mode.Once you understand the Problem the solution is so simple. Right?

So why don’t you just change your mode and start focusing outwards on people during social interactions instead of focusing inwards on yourself.

Now don’t get me wrong.I know self consciousness is not a disease and you won’t believe if i say i might get hate mails from self conscious crusaders who send hate mails.They just don’t want to change and like melancholy and self pity and nobody can understand them better than me because i was one of them.As they say in nlp, everything has a good intention.But Everything has a time and Place and social situations are not the best time to go inside your mind and do a self analysis.

Let us now see why self consciousness is a problem which you should be trying to come out of by some case studies.Rita is a shy Girl in the class and she is self conscious.Guys and Girls in her class like to make fun of her and like to watch her go nervous.When ever someone cracks a joke at her expense instead of giving a fitting reply she wonders what other people are thinking about her and feel shame.If she focuses her attention on delivering a comeback line or at least a assertive answer others will be thinking twice before teasing her again.

The Problem with being self conscious is it will eventually develop in to negative self talk.It’s when something inside you talks back to you…saying things like ‘you cannot do it’,or ‘you look fat’ or what ever you are self conscious about.The more you listen to your negative self talk the worse it will get and sooner rather than later you will have depression.At this stage the only way to come out of the mess is to catch yourself having the negative self talk and stop it.There are effective Techniques to stop negative self talk but that is a different subject altogether,for this scope of this article it suffices to know that self consciousness can lead to further personality complications if you don’t do something about it.

Social confidence Secrets are techniques and practical methods suggested by social confidence coaches to gain effortless social confidence to experience a happy social life. If you think you are lacking in self confidence and are avoiding social situations then developing the needed social skills is all that is required to turn the tables and enjoy social conversations and situations.

The following are some of the secrets to gain social confidence shared by contributors who successfully overcame their limitation and lived the life they dreamed to live.

1.Uproot your Low self esteem:

If you are lacking in confidence to socially mingle and have a nice time with other people the primary reason might be your Low self Esteem. You should be aware that getting rid of your low self esteem should be one of the first things you should be doing to become a confident person.

a.If you have low self esteem you should be also having a reason for having it.The reason may range from bad childhood to chronic physical conditions.Let’s take the bad childhood example,say.John is 35 years old and is single with no real friends.John had forgettable bad childhood memories,his father used to disgrace him by scolding in front of his friends and classmates.Now all John has to do is to forget his forgettable bad childhood and move on and try to get dates and friends like the rest of his friends do.But John chose to Cling on to his old bitter memories and it had its negative effect on his life.If you are watching John character in a movie you may say “John!Forgive your parents and let go of your past.Your heroine is loving you but you are turning her off with your attitude.”

Sometimes it is easy to get rid of your low self esteem,as easy as forgetting something that doesn’t need to be remembered anyway.

2.Rehearse your social confidence in your mind:

I have seen this technique recommended for making Public speech in front of a large audience.If it works for a large audience why not let it work on a one to one meeting with someone?The situation is this…You have to spend a hour or two with someone and you want to make a good impression on the other person.So you can just imagine the flow of the things that is about to happen just like a flash forward.The Trick is make it positive and don’t think about failure.There are many ways you can go about this,you can just sit back and watch yourself as the confident person you want to be doing the things that need to be done easily in your mind movie.Or your can Brian storm how things will go positively in the meeting.See the other person attracted to you and what you have to offer,picture yourself impressing them and feel good about it.

The trick about rehearsing social situations in you mind is to visualize only the flow of things that you want to happen.Don’t plan minute details like what words you will use in your conversation.

3.Practice and Rehearse you social confidence in less intimidating situations:

Picture this.You have to meet your landlord in a couple of days to persuade him to lower the rent or even not to raise the rent.Now if you are not a people person it may be a intimidating situation for you.You can start practicing persuading people in non-intimidating situations so that you can gain some confidence in your social skills and it will definitely carry forward when you are going to negotiate with your landlord about the rent.

Asking your office peon to run some errand for you or persuading your kids to complete some small tasks are some of the things that are examples for non-intimidating persuasion scenarios.

4.Improve your social confidence with physical exercises.

This is one of the best secret for improving your social confidence.If you are not feeling socially powerful or confident ask yourself how you would feel if you have the body of Brad Pitt or whoever you think is Hot and confident.

If you are still wondering what physical exercises has got to do with social confidence then let me rephrase it-Physical good looks and Social Confidence-How does it sound now.

It has been scientifically proved that doing 5 minutes of physical exercise a day will make someone 70% more healthier than when he is doing no physical exercise at all.

Having a great body makes you feel good about yourself and give you the confidence to take on any social situation.

One of my social media follower who was constantly depressed and was having social anxiety suddenly started sharing pictures of himself with hot women.He was looking good and happy.I had a chat with him to know the reason behind this positive change.He revealed that it all started when he started watching MMA-Mixed martial Arts videos in youtube. He started exercising and his looks improved.He got confident that he can handle ant social situation.He started hanging out in the right places and mingled with the right people.He got a better job which he loved doing and everything started going northwards for him.

If you are fifty plus this may not be the secret you are searching for to improve your social confidence but if you are anywhere around your Thirties just do some physical exercises daily and watch it improve your health and physique and your social confidence.

5.Improve your Conversational skills

Nine out of ten times a person’s social anxiety is all because of his lack of conversation skills.People lacking in conversation skills start avoiding people and soon their confidence in social situations take a hit.If you feel that you are shy or having social anxiety the first thing that you should be doing is to improve your communication skills.Most people think that there is nothing to learn about communication skill and that interacting with people should come naturally.For now it would be better if you just trust me and start improving your communication.

Start by doing a self analysis and come up with particular things you are lacking in your conversations.For example if you are afraid of initiating conversations with people you know or with strangers start learning a few conversation starters and start practicing with strangers.You got nothing to lose by trying and got everything to gain.If you have difficulty expressing yourself then improve your vocabulary and learn some conversational tactics that will get you going without stalling.In shorts

start somewhere and start improving your conversation skills and you are going to enjoy social situations once you master conversations.

6.Practice your Hi and Hello:

7.Enhance your smile.Smile from your heart and let it show in your eyes.

I came across a Quote which reads ‘God resides on the smiles of the innocent’

8.Improve your social confidence by working on something that makes you feel self conscious
I know this may sound vague for some people but let me explain to help you realize that by working on your defects you can improve your social confidence multiple times.negaIn most cases if you are having low self esteem the root cause may be because of some physical condition that you think prevents you from getting accepted by others and mingling freely with others.
If you have low social confidence and you can identify with what i told above there is good news for you.You can improve your confidence multiple times just by setting a goal and working towards improving the aspects that are worrying you.The first challenge is identifying the major aspect that you want to change in yourself.It maybe a physical aspect like ‘getting rid of your pot belly’ or a phobia like ‘fear of driving a car’ -anything that prevents you from enjoying a happy life that you deserve.

9.Take stock of Good things you already have in life and celebrate

I would have put this Tip in the Top number 1 position if i had remembered this Gem while i started writing this Post. This technique is unique in that we are taking positivism from the Present rather than visualizing in the Future.Thus anyone can use this method to improve their confidence.Let me explain in detail with examples…

Let’s say you are working on getting richer and you are not satisfied with your current financial situation.But maybe you are in a beautiful relationship and your love life is going Great.Just acknowledging the great things you already have in your life can motivate you to try harder and give you hope to achieve other things you want in life.Imagining the gifts you can buy for your partner when you eventually get richer will make you work harder without negativity.What most people do is quite the opposite.They are furious that they are not getting richer in spite of their efforts and they show their anger and disappointments from workplace on their kids and wife and spoil their relationships.Here the negativity from work spoils the relationship and peace at home.What you should be doing is to use the Positive energy you gain from your relationship spread to your work on improving yourself financially.

Question: I have lost my social confidence after my breakup with my ex Girlfriend and i don’t know how to talk to people anymore.I freeze up and for everything I say i am worried that i will just sound stupid and that people won’t like me.Please help me with some advice to get my social confidence back

Answer:
You are left to survive in a forest and you have to kill a wild boar with your hand gun to eat your first food after 4 days.
What will you aim at?
The Boar?
No
It’s fleshy thighs?That you desperately want to taste?
NO!
To kill the boar you have to aim at the most vulnerable point in it’s body.You aim at it’s forehead,in between its eyes.
For a moment you forget your hunger,you forget about returning home,you forget the boar,you forget everything
All that exists before you is the Forehead of the boar.And when you Pull the Trigger if your bullet hits its forehead the whole boar is yours.

*****************Story End**************
Now…you have a serious problem of freezing up and going blank during conversations.
You cannot go on for long unless you kill your Problem(Your wild Boar)
Your are focusing on the whole problem(whole big wild boar) and wondering can i kill this big problem with this tiny handgun(Self help techniques and advises)

What you have to do is identify the easiest part of your problem that you are sure you can do if you put some effort in to it.
Forget about having a Great conversation with your boss for some time.
How about using the baby steps Principle.We will reach the Target line one baby step at a time.You can fall….you can crawl
But take one baby step at a Time.

What about first perfecting your conversation with your Apartment watchman first…or
How about befriending the Junior guy that joined your office by having a friendly conversation?

Take one Tip at a time and implement it in your life.

So where is my Tip…you ask…

Before giving you the Tip,i want to share something that i was taught in my NLP classes.
They Taught me,Listen closely to what the Subject says…They might be literally giving out the solutions to their own Problems.
Just that they don’t realize it and all you have to do it make them realize that it is the solution to the problem.

Now,Coming back to your Problem,You said…

I just don’t know how to talk to people anymore I freeze up and everything I say on worried will just sound stupid and that people won’t like me.

I bet you have a internal dialogue that says that exact same thing over and over in your mind.You are hypnotizing yourself that you are
sounding stupid and people don’t like you.And,It seems your mind has done a good job too.

So Just catch yourself when your self dialogue says something negative next time and when you catch it you have to kill it.
You have to kill the negativity by saying a Positive affirmation like ‘I am getting more and more confident with conversing with People
and they like me’.Something like that…what i gave is just an example.

You have to start doing something.Don’t be one of the people who keep reading Tips and techniques to become confident but don’t
Practice any of them in their real life.

Can a person be with social anxiety but still a extrovert? The Answer is Yes.If you don’t understand how someone can be a extrovert and still be with low social confidence that means you are yet to understand what being a extrovert is all about.In this Post we will address how to overcome social anxiety if you are a extrovert by looking at a case study of James.

James wrote to me…

I am always the nice guy, attractive, sweet and always get the bad end of the stick. It is always hard when I really do like somebody and I can’t seem to get them to come around. It is very seldom. I am not shy but it’s just being embarrassed if I ever opened up my mouth.Who is ready to learn this is me. I think this will help me step it up entirely…. You still offering solution?

I wrote back to him asking more information like whether he is a introvert or extrovert and he wrote me back this…

Extrovert.. I get that i have so much energy…some people don’t know how to take me. I am afraid sometimes to make the first move when I like somebody. I have no problem showing it but I like for people to come on to me. That may sound strange but i get scared when it is somebody that i really really like. especially in the business that i am going into. A big industry.

The following is the Advice i wrote to him…

Firstly,I congratulate you for Providing all the details i needed to know about you and with this information i am very much confident that i can help you change you entirely to a People magnet.
People may be good looking, sweet and attractive but they are not always liked by everyone.The Good news for Extroverts is that it is much more easier for you to become a likable guy.
Look at the below points and learn and think about it deeply when you are alone….

1.If you have so much energy and you approach people they may notice your energy in your non verbal and verbal communication.
Having high enery will seem to be a good thing,Right?
NO.Not Always.Not to all people.

Picture this.You about to go to sleep (or you are Tired).Someone flashes a Flood light at your eyes(or Turns on a Loud Music)
Will you like the light/Music? The light is so bright… Right?The Music is done by the best singer….Right? But i bet you will hate the Person who Turned on the Light/Music.

Now this is the same thing that is Happening to the People you Approach with your High energy levels.They don’t have that much of a High energy level and when you Approach them with your energy level…They may think at a consious or subconcious level that ‘This guy is something.He seems different.Is he real’.And people don’t like people who are different from them.People really really LIKE people who are similar to them

So one of the Solution around this problem is….
WHEN YOU APPROACH SOMEONE MATCH YOUR ENERGY LEVEL with their own energy level.
Observe the Pace at which they Talk…
Listen to how loud to talk….
Observe how energetic they are…

Then Match their Energy level when you talk back to them.Talk at the same pace they talked to you.If they talk fast then you talk fast.If they talk
each word slowly then reduce your speed as much as possible.Talk at the same volume they talk.If they are loud then talk loud.If they are not….you get the idea right? This will make them Like you.It will help you to get the initial Rapport with them.Once you have the Rapport you can be the energetic self you are later.And they will like you.If you can grasp and put what i just said above in practice in real life….You may see how ‘magically’ ‘suddenly’ people are attracted to you.

I have plenty of things to say…But don’t want to you to feel the information overload.Read the PDF that i have sent you.It is a little bit more advanced but i know you will really like it.

I would be glad to help you to change to the Guy you want to be.Just don’t hesitate to contact me anytime.