Governor Bush regales a "Right To Life" gathering in Michigan with his technique for getting crystallized powders to fall from your nose onto your lower lip -- instead of being lost on your shirt.

DETROIT, MI (AP). George W. Bush appeared last night at a potluck supper held by "Right to Life" in an elegant suburb of Detroit, Michigan. During the dinner he was asked by Mrs. Wallace Summerstock to respond to reports being circulated in liberal circles (but carefully avoided by America's heretofore "liberal press") that Mr. Bush had impregnated an underage girl and paid for her to have an abortion in Houston in 1970.

Mr. Bush, appearing somewhat surprised by the hostess' query, responded: "Well, I'm a governor. That's what governors do. We govern. We make decisions." When further pressed for an explanation about whether the abortion had actually occurred, Mr. Bush laughed a bit and said: "Now, I'm not going to get into responding to rumors like this. But I will say that I have not paid for any underage girls to have abortions in 40 years. No, of course, I meant 30 years. Well, let's make that 31 years just to be on the safe side. And I have not done any of that cocaine stuff in 24 years and four months and three days. And I have not been AWOL from the Air Force in going on 28 years now. And I haven't cheated on my lovely wife Laura in -- well, let's just say since before Bill Clinton cheated on his. And, I'm proud to say, it's been quite a while since I danced on top of a bar naked drinking tequila and shaking my ass and dick!"

Reports of Mr. Bush paying for an underage girl to have an abortion can be traced back to Larry Flynt, who says he has four affidavits to support the shameful allegation. Mr. Flynt is a dreadful smut peddler who will say anything  even if it is true  to besmirch those who stand up for traditional family values and the rights of the unborn. In the past, Mr. Flynt has repeated horrible stories about Bob Livingstone, Newt Gingrich, Helen Chenoweth, Dan Burton, and Henry Hyde having affairs and Bob Barr paying for an abortion  all of which, while absolutely true, would have been left unspoken by anyone from a good family.

Mrs. Bowers said to her dear friend Barbara Bush after hearing the news: "Bar, I know we all agreed that we hated Bill Clinton so much we'd put an idiot  I mean, anyone in the White House other than a Demon-crat, and I won't have a word said against your son, but I ask you! A child molester?" After reassuring Betty that the girl looked "almost legal," Mrs. Bush further assuaged concern by pointing out: "Yes, George made his underage lover kill their baby, but you have to understand, he was out of his mind on cocaine at the time. There is a really good chance that he would never make a fifteen year old do that now."

Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer responded by saying "Governor Bush has not changed his position on abortion. He is no hypocrite. It was illegal when he had it done and he wants it to be illegal for everyone else, too. Fair is fair."