Sunday, August 5, 2012

As the 2012 Presidential campaign goes on, I think it's time that I introduce more of my platform.

Certain phrases will be retired, or have strict limitations on them:

The words "artisan" and "artisanal" can only be used to refer to products manufactured by a company with fewer than 20 employees, and cannot be used for anything naturally grown (like lettuce, FFS). If it's not handmade, it's not artisan.

The use of the phrase "reaching out" and its derivatives will be punishable by death. I am sick of hearing "I'm reaching out to you today" or "We're trying to reach out." Bullshit. Do you say "I reached out to Mom to wish her a happy birthday?" No! You freakin' called her. Or sent her a card. Or email. Or whatever. "Reaching out" is what you do when trying to get pancake mix off the top shelf.

"Reaching out's" evil twin "touch base" will also be banned. Not only is it stupid, it sounds like a code phrase Jerry Sandusky would use. It will be strictly limited only to baseball announcers where appropriate.

Saying "think outside the box" will be punishable by being interred in a large box. Without airholes.

"Empower" really needs to go. It's stupid. I mean, hell, I empower my kids to take out the garbage, and they still don't. It's condescending. Worst of all, it brings back memories of a horrific blind date I went on in the early 90's where this girl kept saying it. She empowered me to pick a restaurant. She empowered me to order for her. She empowered me to decide what show to go to, and where to have a drink after the show. And after all that she didn't even empower me to sleep with her.

Want to use the phrase "push the envelope"? Under President Grumpy you'll be sealed in a big paper envelope and pushed into the Grand Canyon.

Do you always "give 110%"? Good. Because pretty much all it says is that you're a moron who failed 3rd grade math. If you're caught saying it when I'm in office you'll be sent back to grade school. And have to sit in one of those tiny desks.

The Disney company will be forbidden to use the word "classic" in advertisements for pretty much anything. And they can't use artisanal, either.

There will be a minimum wait time of 25 years before Hollywood can even think about remaking a movie. Violators will be forced to watch the new "Total Recall" until they gouge their eyes out.

The phrase "goes" to refer to people speaking will be replaced by the rightful "says." Believe it or not, this one drives me crazier than any of the above. It started when I was in High School, and just keeps spreading. Like Ebola.

Politicians who espouse screaming and yelling at the opposition will be dropped into a desert with an equal number of equally stubborn people from the other side, under circumstances where their mutual survival depends on finding ways to work together and be polite. This will be aired as a TV show called "Modern Sandbox," with advertising revenue and T-shirt sales going toward the national debt.

Remember: Vote Grumpy in November! Unlike my competitors I actually have my birth certificate immediately available (sort of - I think it's in an old briefcase in the back of my Dad's closet) and I don't own an Olympic horse that I'm spending $77,000 per year on. I've also never driven with a dog strapped to the roof of my car. And I've never been to Kenya. Or Africa. Or the moon. After all, these are the REALLY important issues you should be paying attention to, not silly things like the economy or women's rights. And, like any good politician, I'm for sale. Someone (hell, anyone), please buy me. I take Paypal.

I would add referring to the weather as an event. Why do the self-important weather announcers use the phrase a rain event or snow event even when it simply rained or snowed? It may have been a hurricane or flood or blizzard but all of those are sufficient. The word event does not add meaning!

Sorry. Can't resist echoing Bruce. It started WAAAY before you were in HS. I'm much older than you and I vividly recall having brilliant conversations with friends that relied entirely on the verbs goes and like. For example: "He goes, 'Yes,' and I was like 'No way.'" OTOH, "He said 'Yes,' and I said 'No'" does lack color and emphasis for which even eye rolling cannot compensate.

Apologies Dr. G. but am guilty of the "goes" thing. Off to the verbal debtor's prison with me then. Yes, correct usage should be says or said or had said or will possibly say. However, the nonmentionable g "verb" has become rather ingrained in the common vernacular. Ban them all.

I'm saving my vote for the candidate who promises to eradicate misuse of the word "literally" (usually to mean "figuratively"). Though I'm generally supportive of any candidate opposed to the verbing of nouns.

Oh, Ibee, you're the best (along with all the previous commentors). "Goes" definitely has to go, but my two stomach-turners are *infrastructure* (which must refer to molecules and atoms) and *pro-active,* which must mean that i'm *con-active,* or *pro-passive.*

"Politicians who espouse screaming and yelling at the opposition will be dropped into a desert with an equal number of equally stubborn people from the other side, under circumstances where their mutual survival depends on finding ways to work together and be polite. This will be aired as a TV show called "Modern Sandbox," with advertising revenue and T-shirt sales going toward the national debt."

Because we all know this would actually work. Dead serious. It would be more popular than Jersey Shore or the Kardashians or however you spell it.

He will not reach out to you, or touch base with you. He won't think unless he's in a box and while his needles may electrify your muscles, they won't empower you. While he will send you a bill inside an envelope, he won't push that envelope to you. He's not a 110%er. And he has been known to watch old Disney movies but doesn't find them classic or classy. He won't finance the production of any new movie with your campaign contributions. And when he goes, he's not talking to you, but actually trying to get somewhere. He won't scream at the opposition, nor will he use ALL CAPS when commenting about them in a blog post.

So, having stated your very compelling platform, I only have one question left before I cast my vote: Do you have enough hours in your day to run the country, and to continue to practice yak-herding, er, neurology? Our country has survived morons in the White House before, and will presumably survive many more, given what we have to work with - BUT there is only one Dr Grumpy, Neurologist to keep us sane. Please consider your answer carefully, as the fate of the nation, nay - of the world - rests upon your reply!

If I was an American I would vote for you. I had to go to the States on business and it was the first time I ever heard someone say " I can't speak to that" rather than " I don't know" or " I have no comment". To an outsider it was really quite comical. My favorite part was when someone in the audience mentioned the explosion of bedbugs in New York and the speaker said quite seriously " I can't speak to the bedbugs." My first thought was why would one even want to. Maybe the poor guy needed to "think outside the box" and actually listen to what he was saying.

Didn't even look at Grumpy over the weekend and already he has forged some sort of bi partisan partisanship of cross aisle synergy that will take us to the next level of proactivity so that all peoples of our great nation are fully engaged.

Oh, please add two more to the banned list...I'm tired of people who are "dialoguing" when discussing a meeting topic, and those who are "just talking out loud here" when they want to offer their opinions but don't quite dare to express them!

You won't win, Dr. Grumpy. You need a veep, and the only two who would do with your platform are dearly departed: Edwin Newman and Molly Ivins.

How I long for a yak herder cum neurologist president who would bring his cabinet to heel by mandating daily grammar and word usage briefings alongside the national security briefings. The daily presser would be mind boggling!

I'm with Flo on 'closure', and partially agree with Kim. 'Organic' should be strictly a term in chemistry, to refer to carbon-based molecules. Can we also please get rid of 'impact' as a verb, unless we are referring to things crashing into hard objects. 'Impact' should not be used as a synonym for 'affect'.

So I'm a medic at a volunteer fire department. Sometimes we go on technical rescues or water rescues that require us to "reach out" to our patients. Can we file for an exemption so we can continue to "reach out" to our patients? Otherwise, we'll need to find a new way of performing these operations!

If it's not too late, I would like to add "find ourselves" to the list of despicable terms. (As in, once again we "find ourselves" at a critical decision point.) It sounds like we all just woke up from an absence seizure in the middle of a cage of chimps. Most of the time, it's a completely unnecessary intro line, popularized by politicians and dramatic communications majors.-DME

If it wasn't for your blog, I'd forget that physicians are people inside. Lmao. Are you hiring? Cuz I hate talking to every patient like they are a five year old child. A trucker is a trucker, you better have answers to an engineers 800 irrelevant queries and grandma wants yes or no.

Welcome to my whining!

This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate.

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