I like watersports, and I heard about a guy in a rural area who holds piss parties in his backyard. I found a mailing list for those interested in piss play, and it wasn’t long before he posted about one of these parties. People on the list talk a big game, but no one else has stepped up to host something, including me. (I would, but four neighbors look into my backyard.)

The host has very simple rules for who can attend: You have to identify as a guy and wear masculine attire. I get to the party, and there were about four guys plus the host. I had a good time. The host had plenty of drinks out, plus towels, chairs, canopies and candles to ward off the mosquitos. I’ve been back a couple times. Everyone is friendly enough, and there’s the right amount of perversion.

So what’s the problem? The host. He’s loud and annoying. He insists on putting classical music on. (It doesn’t set the mood very well.) He tells the same lame jokes every time he’s pissing on someone. He will complain that people say they’re coming and don’t show. If you are having a moment with someone, he will invariably horn in on the action. Without being rude, I’ve tried to make it clear that we are not looking for company, but he doesn’t take the hint.

It’s his party, and props to him for hosting it—but it takes the fun out of it when the host doesn’t know when to back off. I’ve gotten to the point where it’s not worth the effort to go. Do I just get over it, or say something privately?

Person Exasperates Enthusiast

The advice I gave a different reader about dealing with a guest horning in on the action at an orgy applies in your case: “Even kind and decent people can be terrible about taking hints—especially when doing so means getting cut out of a drunken fuckfest. So don’t hint—tell. There’s no rule of etiquette that can paper over the discomfort and awkwardness of that moment, so you’ll just have to power through it.”

Swap out “drunken fuckfest” for “drenchin’ piss scene,” and the advice works—up to a point, PEE, because the person in your case who needs telling, not hinting, isn’t one of the guests; he’s the host. (And he sounds like a gracious host. I mean, drinks, towels and canapés* at a piss party? Swank.) But your host’s behavior sounds genuinely annoying. Hosting a sex party doesn’t give someone the right to insert himself into someone else’s scene, and stupid jokes have the power to kill the mood and murder the boners.

So what do you do?

Well, you could send your host an e-mail or give him a call. Thank him for the invite; let him know you appreciate the effort he goes to (such delicious canapés!); and then tell him why some people say they’re coming and don’t show: You’re too loud; your music is awful; you have a bad habit of horning in on the action; and you need to learn some new jokes to tell when you’re pissing on someone (or, better yet, not tell any jokes at all). But I don’t think ticking off a list of his shortcomings is going to get you anywhere other than crossed off the invite list to future parties.

So why not make your own piss party? You don’t need a big backyard—I mean, presumably your place has a tub. Supplement your tub with a couple of kiddie pools on top of some plastic tarp laid down on the living room or basement floor. Ask your guests to keep it in the tub, pool or on the tarp. You get to choose the guys; you get to select the music; and, as host, you can lay down the law about making jokes and horning in on the action: Both are forbidden, and joke-telling horner-inners will be asked to pull up their pants and leave.

One last thought: If you have it in you to invest some time in getting to know this guy—if you treat him like a human being—you might be able to draw him out on something that clearly frustrates him: guys who say they’re coming to the party but don’t show. If he seems genuinely baffled, PEE, that’s your opening to ask if he’d like some constructive feedback. If he says yes, you can very gently run through your list of ways to improve his parties: no jokes, better music, and a “no horning in” rule for all (not just for him).

* Yes, I know: There were canopies at the party, not canapés—tents, not hors d’oeuvres. But I read it as canapés at first, and the mental image of piss players daintily eating canapés between scenes was so much more entertaining than the mental image of piss players huddling under canopies that I stuck with my original reading.

I had a MMF threesome with my husband and a man we met on Instagram (of all places)! Everyone had a good time, and there was no awkwardness afterward. I think things went so well because after years of reading Savage Love, we knew to “use our words” and treat our “very special guest star” with respect! Thanks, Dan!

My Ultimate Fantasy Fulfilled

You’re welcome, MUFF!

I’m a cis woman and recently came out as a lesbian after identifying as bisexual for three years. After having sexual encounters with men and women, I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. Now that I’m finally out, I don’t want to do anything that would make me feel like denying it again.

My question is: Am I a bad lesbian if I sleep with a guy? I’m currently working 50 hours a week and going to school. I don’t have time for a relationship, and finding casual hookups with women is difficult. A male friend I know and trust recently propositioned me. At first I said no, but now I’m rethinking it.

Sex with men doesn’t compare at all to sex with women for me. On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s definitely in the below-5 range. But my mind says, “It’s still sex!” and I would enjoy it to a point. But I worry that doing this would call my sexuality into question. I feel like I’d definitely have to hide this from my friends. And if I feel guilty enough to hide it, maybe I shouldn’t do it?

Finally identifying as a lesbian was like breathing out for me. I feel way more like myself and am way happier now. But I worry that even being willing to consider this makes me seem bi. I guess I’m looking for permission and absolution. Would this make me a “bad” lesbian? Or would it mean I should identify as bi?

Girl Asking You

I’ve often been accused of having a pro-dick-sitting bias, GAY, so I decided to recuse myself and pass your question on to a couple of lesbians.

“She is way too concerned with labels,” said Lesbian No. 1. “I used to slip on a dick once every few years—before I quit drinking tequila—and that didn’t make me any less of a raging, homo-romantic dyke. And if her friends give that much of a fuck about who she bones, she needs friends with more interesting hobbies.”

“I don’t think there is anything wrong with her or any lesbian wanting to sleep with a guy,” said Lesbian No. 2. “I wouldn’t sleep with a guy, but I do agree that women trying to casually hook up with other women is much more difficult than men with men or even men with women. Women instantly want to be your long-term partner after one hookup—the U-Haul jokes are fucking real. But if identifying as something is important to her, I think identifying as queer might be a better option for now rather than struggling to figure out if she is only bi or only lesbian and only those forever.”

Savage Love Live at Denver’s Oriental Theater last week was epic. I fielded sex questions in front of a sold-out crowd; singer-songwriter Rachel Lark performed amazing news songs; comedian Elise Kerns absolutely killed it; and Tye—a token straight guy plucked at random from the audience—joined us onstage and gave some pretty great sex advice!

We couldn’t get to all the audience questions during the show, so I’m going to race through as many unanswered questions as I can in this week’s column …

I enjoyed a great sex life with many kinky adventures until my husband died suddenly two years ago. I have insurance money and a house to sell and a dream of using the proceeds to become a sex-positive therapist. Crazy idea? Or something the world needs more of?

Judging by how many people tell me they’re having a hard time finding sex-positive, kink-positive, open-positive and poly-positive therapists, I would definitely file “sex-positive therapist” under “world needs more of.” Chase that dream!

How do you introduce your inexperienced-but-willing-to-try partner to BDSM?

By starting a two-person book club. Order Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities by Lee Harington and Mollena Williams; The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge edited by Tristan Taormino; and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. Read and discuss, and discuss some more—and when you’re ready to start playing, take it slow!

What resources are available—which do you recommend—to share with my male partner so he can improve (learn) oral sex? (Girl oral sex!)

Two more book recommendations: The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure by Violet Blue; and She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.

My boyfriend told me that women orgasm only 60 percent of the time compared to men. I said I want orgasm equity. How do I navigate his pansy-assed male ego to find a solution?

The orgasm gap—91 percent of men reported climaxing in their last opposite-sex sexual encounter, compared to 64 percent of women (so says the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior)—doesn’t exist for lesbians and bi women in same-sex relationships. So the problem isn’t women and their elusive orgasms; it’s men and their lazy-ass bullshit. A contributing factor is that women often have a hard time advocating for their own pleasure, because they’ve been socialized to defer to men. There’s evidence of that in your question: You want to navigate this problem—the problem being a selfish boyfriend who doesn’t care enough about you to prioritize your pleasure, who has taken cover behind the orgasm gap—but you want to spare his ego in the process. Well, fuck his precious ego. Tell him what you want, and show him what it takes to get you off. If he refuses to do his part to close the orgasm gap in your apartment, show him the door.

How do you prioritize sex with your partner when life gets so busy, and masturbation is so much easier? My fiancé is down for quickies sometimes but not always.

Forgive my tautology, but you prioritize sex by prioritizing sex. Scheduled sex can be awesome sex—and when you’re truly pressed for time, you can always masturbate together.

How do I come out to my family as a stripper? I’ve been dancing for more than two years and don’t plan to stop. Some of my family members are biased against sex workers, but I’m tired of keeping up the façade. (I told them I’m a bartender.)

It’s a catch-22: People are afraid to come out to their closed-minded families as queer or poly or sex workers or atheists, but closed-minded families typically don’t open their minds until after their queer or poly or sex working or nonbelieving kids come out to them. To open their minds, you’ll have to risk blowing their minds first. Tell them your truth, and stand your ground.

I keep having sex dreams about Kanye West. What does that mean?

You’re Mike Pence.

Am I doing society a disservice by dating an international drug dealer?

A sexually frustrated international drug dealer is arguably more dangerous than a sexually satisfied international drug dealer—so you may be doing society a service.

Can I want to be monogamous without any reasoning? My boyfriend would prefer to be in an open relationship, but I’m not interested for no reason in particular.

Speaking with a low-information voter is frustrating, because they can’t tell you why they voted for someone; speaking with a low-information fucker—someone who can’t tell you why they’re doing/screwing what they’re doing/screwing—is just as frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when the low-information/low-self-awareness fucker happens to be the person you’re fucking. It’s fine to want what you want—becauseof course it is—but you need to be able to share your reasons.

I dated a guy who said he was in an open relationship. We started working together on a podcast. I got irritated because after two months, he never did any preliminary research. When I pointed that out, he deleted all our work and blocked me on FB. Now he’s asking for some stuff he left at my place. Do I give it back?

Yep. As tempting as it might be to hold on to his stuff or trash it, that just keeps this drama alive. If you keep his stuff, he’ll keep after you for it. If you trash his stuff, you’ll have to worry about the situation escalating. If you want him out of your life and out of your head, put his crap in a bag; set it on your porch or leave it with a neutral third party; and tell him when he can swing by and get it.

How clean should a bottom be? A little bit of shit is kinda expected, isn’t it? I mean, you are fucking an ass, right?

My expectations for sterling silver, crystal stemware and fuckable ass are the same: I want it sparkling.

Zooming out: One doesn’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason one doesn’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food—it’s going to make a mess. Making sure your mouth is empty is easy, of course, but it’s not that difficult to empty or clean out an ass. Also, a good, fiber-rich diet empties and cleans out the ass naturally. Yes, you are fucking an ass, and shit sometimes happens. The top shouldn’t poop-shame the bottom when it does happen, and the bottom doesn’t need to have a meltdown. It just means you need to pivot to some other sexual activity—after a quick cleanup restores the sparkle.

On the Lovecast: A study of asphyxiation. Spoiler: Don’t do it. Listen at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

First let me say that I think you give excellent advice, even if it is a bit pedestrian at times. I have a small problem: Last fall, my penis bent up and to the left at an almost 90-degree angle. I know from Google that this is not an unusual problem. And at 59, I am thankful that things are working as well as they are. But I fly gliders, and the relief system is a “Texas catheter,” with a drain line to outside the glider. I believe that the bending on my penis may be the result of trauma caused by removing the catheter.

In your many years of dealing with penis problems—I know you are not a urologist, but still—have you run across problems of a similar nature? Is there a way to remove adhesive from the penis that will not cause trauma? Gliding season will be starting soon, and I dread using the same system if it will cause more damage. My partner is an amazing woman—70, by the way, and by far the best partner I have ever had (oh, my brethren, do not look only to youth!)—but I dread further damaging my member.

Hanging Under Nice Glider

First let me say thank you for the qualified compliment—you sure know how to flatter a girl—and I’ll try to keep my trademark excellent-if-pedestrian advice coming, HUNG. Also, you’re right: I’m not a urologist. But Dr. Keith Newman is. He’s also a fellow of the American College of Surgeons and my go-to guy for dick-related medical questions.

“It is not likely that HUNG’s drainage system caused the problem,” said Dr. Newman. “His condition sounds like Peyronie’s disease, a possibly autoimmune disease thought to be related to microtrauma, though some penile fractures may result in similar deformity.”

Men with Peyronie’s disease come down with, well, bent dicks. Sometimes the bend is slight and doesn’t interfere with reasonable penile functions. Sometimes the bend is severe enough to make erections painful and intercourse impossible.

“Most sufferers will return to within 10 to 20 percent of their baseline curvature within two years without intervention,” said Dr. Newman. “Thus, it is considered best to defer therapy until such time has elapsed. Ninety degrees is quite a big bend, however, and less likely to resolve spontaneously, but it is still worth waiting.”

“The only real therapies are Xiaflex injections and surgical repair,” said Dr. Newman. “The former is not approved for patients less than two years from diagnosis or with less than 35 degrees of curvature. The latter is fraught with increased complication rates due to scarring so near the tip. Both can straighten the penis, but at a cost of length in many cases. As for drainage alternatives while gliding, I suggest the following product: freedom.mensliberty.com.”

I’m a 37-year-old male. I’ve been with my wife for 15 years. I know that passion transitions in a long-term relationship, but I’m having a hard time finishing lately. Yes, I’m on SSRIs—antidepressants—but that has only exacerbated the issue. We all know that a lot of people who own a vagina enjoy foreplay to help the orgasms along. Will foreplay help people who own a penis get to the moment faster? I’m pretty sure I know the answer, and I figured you’re the one to ask what the best foreplay options are, because your sexual knowledge is vast, and you regularly deal with two penises at a time. As someone who pleasures a penis and who has a penis that is pleasured, you tell me: What is the best preparation to get guys off before the insertion happens?

Seeking Weapons Of Male Penile Satisfaction

Foreplay isn’t just for vagina-havers, SWOMPS! Penis-havers have nerve endings all over their bodies—inside ’em, too—and while many younger men don’t require much in the way of foreplay, older men and/or men taking SSRIs often benefit from additional forms of stimulation both prior to intercourse and during intercourse. Like tit play. I know some men can’t go there because that tit-play shit—like feelings, musicals, sit-ups and voting for women—could turn you gay. But if you’re up for it, SWOMPS, have the wife play with or even clamp your tits, and then shove a plug in your ass that stimulates your prostate while also remembering to engage what’s often called “the largest sex organ”: your brainz. Talk dirty to each other! If you’re already proficient at JV dirty talk—telling ’em what you’re about to do (“I’m going to fuck the shit out of you”), telling ’em what you’re doing (“I’m fucking the shit out of you”), telling ’em what you did (“I fucked the shit out of you”)—move on to varsity dirty talk: Talk about your fantasies, awesome experiences you’ve had in the past, things you’d like to try or try again with your partner. To get your dick there—to push past those SSRIs—fire on all cylinders (tits, hole, brain, mouth and cock) before and during insertion.

I’m a 32-year-old English guy, and this morning I was diagnosed as HIV-positive. I’m in a bit of a state. I haven’t told anyone, and I needed to get it out. I’m in a long-term, mostly monogamous relationship, but my boyfriend is overseas for work at the moment, so I can’t really talk to him about it. So I’m talking to you.

Diagnosed And Dazed And Confused

I’m so sorry, DADAC. I hope you have a friend you can confide in, because you need a shoulder to cry on, and I can’t provide that for you here.

What I can provide is some perspective. I’m just a little older than you—OK, I’m a whole lot older than you. I came out in the summer of 1981—and two years later, healthy, young gay men started to sicken and die. During the 1980s and most of the 1990s, learning you were HIV-positive meant you had a year or two to live. Today, a person with HIV is expected to live a normal life span—so long as they have access to treatment, and they’re taking their meds. And once you’re on meds, DADAC, your viral load will fall to undetectable levels, and you won’t be able to pass HIV on to anyone else (undetectable = uninfectious). Arguably, your boyfriend and your other sex partners are safer now that you know than they were before you were diagnosed. Because it’s not HIV-positive men on meds who are infecting people; it’s men who aren’t on meds because they don’t know they’re HIV-positive.

I don’t mean to minimize your distress, DADAC. The news you just received is distressing and life-changing. But it’s not as distressing as it was three decades ago, and it doesn’t mean your life is over. I remember holding a boyfriend on the day he was diagnosed as HIV-positive more than 25 years ago, both of us weeping uncontrollably. His diagnosis meant he was going to die soon. Yours doesn’t. You have a lot of time left, and if you get into treatment and take your meds, DADAC, you will live a long and healthy life, a life filled with love, connection and intimacy. Spend some time feeling sorry for yourself; feel the fuck out of those feelings; and then go live your life—live it for all the guys who didn’t get to celebrate their 33rd birthdays.

P.S. Don’t wait until your boyfriend returns to tell him. He needs to get tested right away.

I wish I had a better question, but this is all I have: My friends and I were discussing the nuances of a straight orgy (a roughly equal number of male and female participants) versus a gang bang (one woman, many men), and we observed that there is no proper name for a one man, many women situation. The Internet tells me it’s just a “reverse gang bang,” which is a very disappointing name.

Can we please establish a new one?

Curious Nonparticipant

How does “pussy riot” grab you?

And while we’re on the subject of flipping gendered expressions: A number of years ago, I was asked to come up with a female version of “sausage fest.” Sticking with the food theme, I proposed “clam bake.” Still mystified as to why it didn’t catch on.

I was married from 28 to 36, single the last three years, and celibate most of the last couple of years. The last two years of my marriage were sexless, and I saw professionals until I was priced out. I could probably earn twice what I’m making now if I moved away, but my current job gives me the flexibility to spend afternoons with my young kids.

Last year, I had a brief relationship (that included the best sex of my life), but I ended it because I needed more “me” time. So I lack the willingness or the confidence to be in a relationship, and I don’t have the cash to see pros.

I’m not fussed by this. Should I be concerned about my celibacy?

Absolutely Not Getting Sex Today

Seeing as your celibacy is intermittent and by your own choice (You walked away from the best sex of your life for me time? What kind of mid-’90s Oprah bullshit is that?), ANGST, you’re unlikely to wind up hanging out on an “incel” forum filled with angry, violent, socially maladapted men who blame the fact that they can’t get laid on women and feminism. So long as you continue to take personal responsibility for all the sex you’re not having, there’s nothing to be concerned about.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When we first got together, we had sex every day. Then it dwindled. We had major problems along the way and separated this winter. During that time, he went to another state. We got back together long-distance, and I received many letters from him saying how much he wanted to have sex with me.

He moved back two weeks ago, and we’ve had sex only twice. He used to say he wanted me to make the first move. But if he really wanted me, wouldn’t he make a move? I feel so neglected, yet he claims he loves me. Please give me some insight.

No Sex For Weeks

He says he wants sex (with you), but he doesn’t make a move. You say you want sex (with him), but you don’t make a move. So how about this: The next few times you want sex, NSFW, make a move. If he fucks you two out of three times, maybe he was telling you the truth when he said he’d like you to make the first move. If he rebuffs you every time, then he doesn’t want to have sex with you—and you’ll have to make a move to end this relationship.

I’m a youngish man who’s been in a loving relationship with an older woman for a year. The only area where the age difference comes into play is largely unspoken between us—she wants kids. All of her friends are having kids, and she’s nearing the end of her childbearing years. I’m nowhere near ready, and I sometimes question whether I want to be monogamous to any one person for life. We never discuss it, but I can tell how deeply this bothers her, and that in her ideal world, I’d be ready to start planning a future with her. I’m racked with guilt at the possibility that by the time I’m ready for that level of commitment (or, worse, by the time I realize I never will be), she’ll be biologically incapable of having kids, which is really important to her. This is all complicated by the fact that this is easily the most loving, trusting, respectful relationship I’ve ever been in.

Bond Afflicted By Years

Speak, BABY: “Look, you want kids. I’m not ready, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. Also, I’m not sure about lifelong monogamy. If we need to part ways so you can find someone who wants the same things you do and wants them now, I’ll be devastated, but I’ll understand.”

I’m a 22-year-old woman living in Central Asia doing development work. There are 14 other expats within an hour or two of me, but eight of them are in relationships. I’ve always been the “single friend,” and normally I don’t mind. But being surrounded by couples right now has been a tax on my mental health.

I know I’m young and should be focusing on this amazing opportunity and my career, but I can’t help but feel lonely at times, especially since I can’t speak the local language well, and these 14 other people are the only ones near me who speak English. What should I do?

Single Anonymous Dame

Math. Eight of the 14 nearby English-speaking expats are in relationships. That means six nearby expats are single like you, SAD. It’s not a lot of people to choose from in real numbers, I realize, but as a percentage—40 percent of nearby expats are single—it’s statistically significant, as the social scientists say. Focus on this opportunity; focus on your career; and focus on that statistically significant number of nearby singles.

My husband and I listen to your podcast, and we’ve become a little more open about our wants and needs as a result. Anyway, on two recent occasions, he shaved his pubes. Both times, I told him it was a turnoff. Like, I literally dried up when I saw it. He said he understood, yet now he’s about to take a trip with friends, and he’s done it again—and his chest, too, this time. Assuming he’s telling the truth, and this manscaping effort is not about other women (eye roll), is it fair to me? Can I ask him to stop? Shouldn’t he want to stop if it’s a turnoff for me? Do I have to be GGG on this too?

Not Into Bald Balls

I feel your pain—but it’s not hair removal that’s an issue in my relationship, but hair growth. My husband would like to have a mustache. It’s his face (those are your husband’s balls), and he can do what he wants with his face (your husband can do what he wants with his balls). But I can do what I want with my face, and my face doesn’t touch his when there’s a mustache on it. Similarly, NIBB, you’re not obligated to touch your husband and/or his junk when he’s pubeless.

When I’m out of town, my husband will grow a mustache, and I don’t complain or temporarily unfollow him on Instagram. So long as your husband’s balls/crotch/chest are smooth only when they’re far from you, it shouldn’t be an issue in your marriage—unlike the fact that you think he might be fucking another woman (maybe one who’s into bald balls?) or thinking about fucking other women. That’s an issue you’re going to want to address.

I’m a straight male in my 30s. I’ve been with my wife for 12 years. I have had several affairs—not one-night-stand scenarios, but longer-term connections. I didn’t pursue any of these relationships. Instead, women who knew I was in an “exclusive” relationship approached me. These have included what turned into a one-year affair with a single woman, a three-year affair with a close friend of my wife, a seven-month affair with a married co-worker, and now a fairly serious four-months-and-counting relationship with a woman who approached me on Instagram.

On the one hand, I do not regret my time with any of these women. On the other hand, I have been deceitful and manipulative for almost my entire adult life. I am a terrible husband in this respect. Also, I’m going to get busted eventually, right? Finding out about this would crush my wife. I love her; we get along great; and the sex is good—if I wasn’t such a lying piece of shit, you could even say we make a pretty good team. We are also very socially and financially entangled. I don’t want to leave, but I suspect I should. And if so, I need help considering an exit strategy.

Part of my motivation for writing is that I am particularly attached to the woman I’m having an affair with now, and both of us fantasize about being together openly. I’m a liar, a cheat, a user and a manipulator—and it just keeps happening.

By the way, I’m expecting you to rip me to shreds.

A Seriously Shitty Husband On Losing Everything

It doesn’t “just keep happening,” ASSHOLE; you keep doing it. And these women didn’t “turn into” one-year, three-year, seven-month, and four-months-and-counting affairs on their own. You turned them into affairs by continuing to show up. And while you claim that each of these women pursued you despite knowing you were in an exclusive relationship, it doesn’t sound like you ran from any of them. At best, you broke into (or slowed to) a trot, which allowed each one of these lady predators to overtake you.

The first step toward holding yourself accountable for your appalling actions—A close friend of your wife? Really?—is doing away with the passive voice. Don’t ask yourself, “How’d that happen?!?” as if the universe were conspiring against you somehow. You weren’t hit by a pussy meteor every time you left the house. You did these things. You had these affairs. You.

Zooming out: If all it takes for some rando to get her hands on your otherwise committed cock is to DM you on Instagram, you have no business making monogamous commitments. If you’d sought out a partner who wanted an open relationship—a wide-open one—you could have had concurrent, committed, nonexclusive relationships and avoided being “a liar, a cheat, a user,” etc.

Seeing as you’re a reader, ASSHOLE, I suspect you knew an honest open relationship was an option—that ethical nonmonogamy was an option—but you didn’t pursue that. And why not? Maybe because you don’t want to be with a woman who is free to sit on other dicks. Or maybe the wrongness and the self-loathing—the whole bad-boy-on-the-rack routine—turn you on. Or maybe you’re the wrong kind of sadist: the un-self-aware emotional sadist. You say you love your wife, but you also say she’d be crushed—destroyed—if she discovered what you’ve been doing.

Be honest, ASSHOLE, just this once: Is the destruction of your wife a bug, or is it a feature? I suspect the latter, because cheating on this scale isn’t about succumbing to temptation or reacting to neglect. It’s about the annihilation of your partner—a (hopefully) subconscious desire to punish and destroy someone, anyone, fool enough to love you.

The tragedy is how unnecessary your choices have been. There are women out there who aren’t interested in monogamy; there are female cuckolds out there (cuckqueans) who want cheating husbands; and there are masochistic women (and men) out there who get off on the thought of being with a person who would like to crush them. So long as those desires are consciously eroticized, fully compartmentalized and safely expressed, you could have done everything you wanted, ASSHOLE, without harming anyone.

So what do you do now?

It seems like you want out, and your wife definitely deserves better, so cop to one affair, since copping to all of them would crush her—or so you think. People are often way more resilient than we give them credit for, and convincing ourselves that our partners can’t handle the truth is often a convenient justification for lying to them. But on the off chance it would crush your wife to be told everything, just tell her about Ms. Instagram. That should be enough.

P.S. Get your ass into therapy, ASSHOLE.

I’m a 42-year-old gay man. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years. We met in college, and except for a six-month break, we’ve been together ever since. I made an open relationship a requirement at the start. While my husband had jealousy and trust issues, he hooked up with others regularly. After a few tense years, we started couples’ therapy. During therapy, my husband revealed that he was never in favor of the openness. After trying some new arrangements—only together, only at sex parties, DADT—he realized he wasn’t comfortable with any situation. He told our therapist that every time I hooked up with someone, he was retraumatized because it reminded him of the time I broke up with him for six months 20 years ago.

I agreed to a monogamous relationship, and I’ve gone a year without hooking up with anyone else. He seemed genuinely relieved and said he felt more secure. But almost immediately, he began talking about how he wanted to hook up with others.

I’m at a loss. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking about splitting up, so I keep hoping we’ll stumble on the thing that will work for us. I don’t know what to say when he says I should be monogamous to him while he gets to hook up with others. He says this would be best, since my hooking up triggers him. We are at an impasse. It sucks that we could break up over this.

Gay Marriage Having Crisis

I’ve written about a few gay couples—and a few straight ones—where one half gets to hook up with others while the other half doesn’t. But they were cuckold couples, GMHC, and the half who didn’t “get to” hook up with others didn’t want to hook up with others. The cuck half of a cuckold couple gets off on their partner “cheating” on them. While people outside the relationship might perceive that as unfair—one gets to cheat; the other doesn’t—what’s more ideal than both halves of a couple getting just what they want?

But if an eroticized power imbalance—an honestly erotized one—doesn’t turn you on, the creepily manipulative arrangement your husband is proposing certainly isn’t going to work.

Which means it’s both ultimatum and bluff-calling time. So long as your husband thinks he can dictate terms by pointing to his triggers and his trauma, GMHC, he has every incentive to continue being triggered and traumatized. So with your couples’ therapist there to mediate, tell him your marriage is either open or closed. You’re not interested in being his cuckold, and he can’t point to his trauma to force you into that role. You’re a handsome couple—thanks for enclosing the lovely picture (sometimes it’s nice to see the face of the person I’m responding to!)—with a long history together, and here’s hoping things work out. But if they don’t, GMHC, neither of you is going to have a problem finding a new partner. He can get himself a guy who likes being dictated to, if that’s really what he wants. And you can find a guy who wants an open and egalitarian relationship, which is what you deserve.

P.S. If your therapist is taking your husband’s side in this, GMHC, get a new therapist.

Background: I, a 21-year-old male, enjoy receptive fisting. I’ve also had constipation problems all my life.

Question: I saw my doctor recently, and he tried to link my enjoyment of anal sex to my constipation. (Granted, I didn’t tell him EVERYTHING I do down there.) My understanding was that there was no causal relationship, assuming no serious injuries occur.

Is there something I don’t know? Was my doctor just trying to be helpful?

Fearing Inner Sanctum Tarnished

“There are many myths about anal sex, but this is the first time I’ve heard this one,” said Dr. Peter Shalit, a physician in Seattle and a member of the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association.

It’s also the first time I’ve heard anyone associate fisting with constipation—typically when fisting is mentioned in the same sentence as constipation, FIST, it’s as a cure. But it’s a myth that fisting cures constipation, of course, along with anal sex being inherently dangerous.

“Fisting is a safe activity, provided that both the top and bottom are sober at the time,” said Dr. Shalit. “It does not cause damage or constipation or any other type of bowel problem. The same applies to other anal sexual activities, including anal receptive intercourse (getting fucked) and use of toys (dildos, vibrators, etc.) for anal stimulation—again, assuming this is voluntary on the part of the bottom, and that both partners are not under the influence of mind-altering drugs during sexual activity.” (For safety’s sake, of course, buttfuckers should use condoms, and gay and bi men get should get on PrEP.)

While many people engage in anal play while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and most emerge unscathed, uninfected and un-constipated, FIST, getting fucked up before fisting is not a butt-sex best practice. A fucked-up top can quickly become an out-of-control top, and a fucked-up bottom can be numb to feelings of discomfort that mean “slow down,” “stop and add more lube” or “stop altogether.”

Despite the fact that millions of people safely engage in anal play, many people believe that anal play does irreparable harm to the anus—or the soul—and that sadly includes many doctors.

“There is a misconception that these activities can cause damage by stretching or tearing the tissue, when actually the anus is very elastic, and much of the ‘permission to enter’ actually involves intentional relaxation of the muscles by the bottom” and not force applied by the top, Dr. Shalit affirmed. (The top applies gentle pressure; the bottom breathes, relaxes and opens up.)

“If a person suffers from constipation, that should be addressed as its own problem and not blamed on any type of anal sexual activity,” said Dr. Shalit. “In addition: For obvious reasons, it’s not fun to bottom if you’re constipated, so it would be good to have this problem evaluated and treated by a nonjudgmental health-care provider who understands that anal penetration—by fist, penis or dildo—does not cause constipation.”

Finally, FIST, your doctor was misinformed, which is not helpful. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your doctor EVERYTHING you’re doing “down there,” you can find a new doctor—one you can breathe, relax and open up to (in a different way)—under “find a provider” at GLMA.org.

I’m a 35-year-old straight male, engaged to my girlfriend of eight years. While we have a good sex life, she often won’t let me finger or lick her. When she does, she enjoys it and easily climaxes while receiving oral sex. But her higher brain functions get in the way, as she has internalized our culture’s body shaming. She has likened me “sticking my nose down there” to “sticking my head in the toilet.” Whenever I sexy-talk about licking her, she reacts with a mood killing “eww.” But she says she would enjoy it if she could let me. I can’t make heads or tails of it! When we have sex, she cuts foreplay short and gets straight to penetration. Since her pussy is not yet fully aroused and wet, we use lube, and I climax long before she does. She feels pleasure and moans, but she really does not value her own orgasm. But I do, and I miss seeing her climax!

I wish I could help her overcome her body issues—but when I “use my words,” she feels pressured and can’t relax. I am at a loss. Please help!

Loves Inhibited Carnal Killjoy

You could go with a grand, romantic and slightly demented gesture, LICK: Clean the toilet, and then stick your head in it to make a point about cleanliness making all the difference—and since the vagina is a self-cleaning organ, and your girlfriend showers (so her labia, clit, taint and butt are clean), you should be able to stick your nose down there.

Or you could use your words—but don’t use them when you’re about to have sex, LICK. Do it at a neutral time (a time when you can’t have sex), so she doesn’t feel like you’re attempting to initiate by raising the subject. First, ask her if she enjoyed oral when she allowed you to go down on her. (Remember, the fact that she climaxed isn’t proof that she enjoyed it. Her orgasm is a physiological response; her pleasure is a combo of psychological responses and physiological responses.) If oral is pleasurable for her when she can allow you to go down on her, figure out what was different about those times. Had she just stepped out of the shower? Was she a little tipsy or high? Did you go down there without asking, which didn’t give her higher brain functions/inhibitions a chance to kick in? (Please note: Not asking isn’t an option for new partners or new moves.)

If you can figure out what worked and why—freshly showered, mildly buzzed, no questions asked—you won’t have to stick your head in the toilet to prove a point.

My boyfriend and I just got back from Berlin, and we had a great time—until the last night. There was a dark room in the basement of this gay bar, and my boyfriend wanted to check it out, and I did not. We are monogamous for now—I’m open to opening things up down the road—and I didn’t see the point of going down there. I told him that drunk in a gay bar at 3 a.m. wasn’t the right time to open up our relationship, and he angrily insisted he wasn’t trying to do that. But if we’re monogamous and want to stay monogamous, why go into a dark room at all?

Dude Into Monogamy

If it was your boyfriend’s intent to reopen negotiations about monogamy while horny men circled you in a dark room, DIM, that wouldn’t be OK. But it is possible for monogamous couples to enter sexually charged environments like dark rooms, sex parties or swingers clubs and emerge with their monogamous commitments intact. It’s advisable, even—or at least I’ve advised monogamous couples who want to keep things hot to visit those kinds of spaces. Go in for the erotic charge; soak it up; and plow that energy into each other.

So next time, go down there. You might have to bat a few hands away, but once the other guys realize you two aren’t there for anyone else, they’ll turn their attentions to others who are.

I’m a 36-year-old straight woman. I was sexually and physically abused as a kid, and raped in my early 20s. I have been seeing a great therapist for the last five years, and I am processing things and feeling better than I ever have. I was in a long-term relationship that ended about two years ago. I started dating this past year, but I’m not really clicking with anyone. I’ve had a lot of first dates, but nothing beyond that.

My problem is that I’d really love to get laid. The idea of casual sex and one-night stands sounds great—but in reality, moving that quickly with someone I don’t know or trust freaks me out, causes me to shut down, and prevents me from enjoying anything. Even thinking about going home with someone causes me to panic. When I was in a relationship, the sex was great. But now that I’m single, it seems like this big, scary thing.

Is it possible to get laid without feeling freaked out?

Sexual Comfort And Reassurance Eludes Dame

It is possible for you to get laid without feeling freaked out.

The answer—how you go home with someone without panicking—is so obvious, SCARED, that I’m guessing your therapist has already suggested it: Have sex with someone you know and trust. You didn’t have any issues having sex with your ex, because you knew and trusted him. For your own emotional safety, and to avoid recovery setbacks, you’re going to have to find someone willing to get to know you—someone willing to make an emotional investment in you—before you can have sex again.

You’ve probably thought to yourself, “But everyone else is just jumping into bed with strangers and having amazing sexual experiences!” And while it is true that many people are capable of doing just that, at least as many or more are incapable of having impulsive one-night stands, because they, too, have a history of trauma, or because they have other psychological, physical or logistical issues that make one-night stands impossible. (Some folks, of course, have no interest in one-night stands.) Your trauma left you with this added burden, SCARED, and I don’t want to minimize your legitimate frustration or your anger. It sucks, and I fucking hate the people who victimized you. But it may help you feel a little better about having to make an investment in someone before becoming intimate—which really isn’t the worst thing in the world—if you can remind yourself that you aren’t alone. Demisexuals, other victims of trauma, people with body-image issues, people whose sexual interests are so stigmatized they don’t feel comfortable disclosing them to people they’ve just met—lots of people face the same challenge you do.

Something else to bear in mind: It’s not unheard of for someone re-entering the dating scene to have some difficulty making new connections at first. The trick is to keep going on dates until you finally click with someone. In other words, SCARED, give yourself a break, and take your time. Also, don’t hesitate to tell the men you date that you need to get to know a person before jumping into bed with him. That will scare some guys off, but only those guys who weren’t willing to get to know you—and those aren’t guys you would have felt safe fucking anyway, right? So be open and honest; keep going on those first dates; and eventually you’ll find yourself on a fifth date with a guy you can think about taking home without feeling panicked. Good luck.

This is about a girl, of course. Pros: She cannot hide her true feelings. Cons: Criminal, irascible, grandiose sense of self, racist, abstemious, self-centered, anxious, moralist, monogamous, biased, denial as a defense mechanism, manipulative, liar, envious and ungrateful. She is also anthropologically and historically allocated in another temporal space continuum. And last but not least: She runs less quickly than me despite eight years age difference and her having the lungs of a 26-year-old nonsmoker. Thoughts?

Desperate Erotic Situation

If someone is criminal, racist and dishonest—to say nothing of being allocated in another temporal space continuum (whatever the fuck that means)—I don’t see how “cannot hide her true feelings” lands on the “pro” side of the pro/con ledger. You shouldn’t want to be with a dishonest, moralizing bigot, DES, so the fact that this particular dishonest, moralizing bigot is incapable of hiding her truly repulsive feelings isn’t a reason to consider seeing her. Not being able to mask hateful feelings isn’t a redeeming quality—it’s the opposite.

My boyfriend and I love each other deeply, and the thought of breaking up devastates me. We also live together. I deeply regret it and am full of shame, but I impulsively went through his texts for the first time. I found out that for the past few months, he has been sexting and almost definitely hooking up with someone who I said I was not comfortable with. After our initial conversation about her (during which I expressed my discomfort), he never brought her up again. Had I known that he needed her in his life this badly, I would have taken some time to sit with my feelings and figure out where my discomfort with her was coming from and tried to move through it. We are in an open relationship, but his relationship with her crosses what we determined as our “cheating” boundary: hiding a relationship.

How do I confess to what I did and confront him about what I found without it blowing up into a major mess?

Upset Girl Hopes Relationship Survives

Snooping is always wrong, of course, except when the snooper discovers something they had a right to know. While there are definitely less-ambiguous examples (cases where the snoopee was engaged in activities that put the snooper at risk), your boyfriend violating the boundaries of your open relationship rises to the level of “right to know.”

This is a major mess, UGHRS, and there’s no way to confront your boyfriend without risking a blowup. So tell him what you know and how you found out. You’ll be in a better position to assess whether you want this relationship to survive after you confess and confront.

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS: Amateur filmmakers, porn-star wannabes, kinksters, regular folks and other creative types are hereby invited to make and submit short porn films—five minutes max—to the 14th Annual HUMP! Film Festival.

The 13th Annual HUMP! Film Festival is currently touring the country—go to humpfilmfest.com for more info—and the next HUMP! kicks off in November. HUMP! films can be hardcore, softcore, live action, animated, kinky, vanilla, straight, gay, lez, bi, trans, genderqueer—anything goes at HUMP! (Well, almost anything: No poop, no animals, no minors.) HUMP! is screened only in theaters; nothing is released online; and the filmmakers retain all rights. At HUMP! you can be a porn star for a weekend in a theater without having to be a porn star for eternity on the Internet!

There’s no charge to enter HUMP!; there’s $20,000 in cash prizes awarded to the filmmakers by audience ballot (including the $10,000 Best in Show Award!); and each filmmaker gets a percentage of every ticket sold on the HUMP! tour.

For more information about making and submitting a film to the best porn festival in the country, go to humpfilmfest.com/submit.

I visited Royal Oak, Mich., for Savage Love Live at the Royal Oak Music Theatre. I didn’t get to all of the questions submitted by the large and tipsy crowd—a crowd that skipped the Stormy Daniels interview on 60 Minutes to spend the evening with me (so honored, you guys!)—so I’m going to race through as many of the unanswered questions as I can in this week’s column. Here we go …

Is there a way of breaking my cycle of being totally sexual and into someone for the first six months, and then shutting down to the point that I don’t want to be sexual with them at all? What’s wrong with me?

Breaking a long-established pattern may require the aid of a therapist who can help you unpack your damage—if, indeed, this is about damage. Because it’s possible this could be the way your libido works; you could be wired for a lifetime of loving, short-term relationships. While our culture reserves its praise for successful long-term relationships (think of those anniversary gifts that increase in value with each passing year), a short-term relationship can be a success. Everyone get out alive? No one traumatized? Were you able to pivot to friendship? Then you can regard that relationship as a success—or all those relationships as successes.

How common of a kink is it to enjoy seeing your significant other having sex with someone else?

Common enough to have numerous different ways of manifesting itself—swinging, hotwifing, cuckolding, stag-and-vixen play—and an entire porn genre dedicated to it.

Cis, female, 33, poly, bi. I bruise easily, am into BDSM, and love to swim in my condo’s shared pool, where there are many seniors. Any advice for hiding bruises or getting over the embarrassment?

Don’t assume the senior citizens in the pool are as naive and/or easily shocked as our ageist assumptions would prompt us to believe. Someone who became a senior citizen today—who just turned 65 years old—was 35 in 1988. I happen to know for a fact that people were doing BDSM way, way back in 1988.

My husband is a sweet guy who is very good to me. But he is also a gun-toting right-wing conservative, and these days, that feels like an insurmountable difference. We have been together for seven years and married for two. No kids yet. I love him—and the thought of leaving him is terrifying—but I honestly don’t know if this is going to work.

If you’re afraid to leave him because of those guns, you need to get out. If you’re afraid to leave him because you love him and couldn’t live without him, you might be able to stay. I wouldn’t be able to stay, personally, but you might—maybe if you make “no political discussions about anything, ever” a condition of remaining in the marriage.

When you are entering into something new, how do you differentiate between infatuation and real feelings?

Infatuation is a real feeling. Only time will tell if other real but more-lasting feelings—like, like like, love, lasting love—will surface when those feelings of infatuation inevitably fade.

I can easily have an orgasm with toys, but I can’t have one with my boyfriend. What gives?

Your boyfriend could give you orgasms if you handed him one of those toys, showed him how you use it on yourself, and then guided his hands the first few times he used it on you.

Why does my girlfriend enjoy anal sex more than I thought she would?

Because she does. Because anal is hot. Because the clit is a great big organ, and most of it’s inside the body, and anal penetration may stimulate the backside of your girlfriend’s great big clitoris in a way that’s new and different and highly pleasurable and—hey, wait a minute. You aren’t disappointed she’s enjoying anal more than you thought she would, are you?

Donald Trump has been impeached, and you get to decide the punishment. What sex toy gets used on him, and who gets to use it?

Trump doesn’t deserve a sex toy. Sex toys are for good boys and girls. All Trump deserves is a lump of the coal he loves so much shoved far enough up his ass to serve as a gag.

Is there EVER a healthy way to partake in sensual parties while in a monogamous marriage?

Yup.

The Dirty Sanchez—actually a thing?

Nope.

I’m married and finishing my Ph.D. while working full-time. As a result, I don’t get to spend as much time as I would like with my wonderful husband. I know you’re a workaholic as well. How do you manage to make your husband feel he is getting the attention/time he deserves?

When I’m totally stressed out and working on several projects, and I don’t have the bandwidth to give my husband the attention/time he deserves, I take a moment now and then to reassure him that things will settle down soon, and we’ll have more time together. I’ve found he’s most receptive to this message when it’s delivered immediately after I’ve taken a few minutes to blow him.

Do you recommend specific prostate massage toys? Besides dick.

Forearm.

How do you approach people about a three-way without ruining friendships?

I think close sexy friends and the-sex-was-great-but-everything-else-sucked exes make the best “very special guest stars.” But if you’re worried about ruining friendships, well, don’t hit on friends. Hit on strangers. (And remember: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t had a three-way with yet. Or something.)

Do you think it’s unwise to give and/or receive gay oral sex without a condom?

When we speak of gay oral without a condom—which is almost all of the gay oral out there—we speak of ones that sucked not wisely but too well.

Are anxiety-induced orgasms a thing? They must be, because I have them.

I’m glad there’s at least one person out there who’s managing to enjoy the Trump era.

I’m a 21-year-old, queer, poly, cis girl who recently got into this whole thing with a co-worker at my shitty fast-food job. Long story short, we were having a rad time fucking around in the freezer … until he bashed International Women’s Day on Facebook. I stopped getting him off by the frozen meat without an explanation, and I quit my job to go bind books instead. Is it too late to reach out and tell this dude that I dumped him because of his misogynistic online life? And how bitchy can I be?

The world would be a better place if (1) women refused to sleep with right-wing assholes (to say nothing of marrying them) and (2) women told right-wing assholes that right-wing assholery is the ultimate cock-block, and they have only themselves to blame for it. So it’s not too late, and you should be as bitchy as you can be.

Thanks to everyone who came to Savage Love Live in Royal Oak—and to everyone who attended my shows at the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis and the Barrymore Theatre in Madison, Wis., over the same weekend.

I’m in a D/s relationship. I’m not submissive around the clock, but my partner owns my cock. We’ve purchased several male chastity devices, but I can pretty easily get my cock out of them. My partner did some investigating and learned that the only effective devices work with a Prince Albert piercing—a ring through the head of the penis that locks into the device, preventing the sub from pulling his cock out.

My partner now wants me to get a PA. I don’t want to get my cock pierced, and I’ve said so, but I haven’t safe-worded on it. I would very reluctantly do it to please her. My partner made an appointment for a piercing three months from now, on our second anniversary. She told me that we can cancel it if I can find an effective chastity device that doesn’t require a piercing.

Do you or any of your contacts in the fetish world know of any devices that are inescapable?

Sheets is an IT consultant who lives in the United Kingdom with his partner of 15 years. Male chastity devices have fascinated him for more than two decades, and as of this writing, he owns 37 different kinds of cock cages. His partner frequently keeps his cock locked up for weeks or months at a time—and if there were such a thing as a commercially available male chastity device that was inescapable, Sheets would know about it.

“However, all is not lost,” said Sheets. “Piercing is one of two ways to ensure the penis cannot escape. The other is a full chastity belt. Now, full belts aren’t without their drawbacks—they are generally more expensive, are harder to conceal under clothes, and take longer to get used to, especially at night. But they are secure. I have three custom-fitted chastity belts, and once properly fitted, they’re inescapable.” Sheets’ chastity belts were made for him by Behind Barz (behindbarz.co.uk) and Fancy Steel (fancysteel.com.au).

But if most commercially available male chastity devices aren’t inescapable, what’s the point? Why would a person bother to wear one?

“You can only partially escape,” said Sheets. “It’s possible to pull out the penis but not remove the device,” which is anchored around the balls and base of the shaft. “And a partially removed device is awkward and uncomfortable.”

For many male subs and their Doms, the symbolism of a male chastity device is what matters most, not its inescapability. And as with other forms of sex play and most aspects of healthy relationships, the honor system makes it work.

“As in any negotiated relationship, you can cheat,” said Sheets. “But why cheat? They’re easy to keep on if you’re genuinely interested in submitting.”

Fun fact: Locking a guy’s cock in an inescapable device doesn’t prevent him from coming.

“A device can be locked in place with a belt or a piercing, but orgasms are still possible,” said Sheets. “I’ve yet to discover any kind of device that can prevent the wearer from achieving orgasm if he’s holding a powerful wand massager against it, especially after weeks without coming.”

So if your Dominant is locking up your cock to prevent you from coming, PAUSES, she’ll also need to lock up her vibrators.

There are two other things Sheets wanted you to be aware of as you begin to explore male chastity, PAUSES.

“Lots of men are shy about being submissive,” said Sheets, “so they’ll say things like, ‘I’m normally dominant in real life,’ kind of like PAUSES opened his letter by saying he isn’t submissive ‘around the clock.’ I just wanted to make sure he understood that chastity is a long-term game. For most of us in chastity devices, it’s a 24/7 affair—literally around the clock.” If you said you weren’t submissive around the clock because you didn’t want to admit that you are, in fact, submissive around the clock, PAUSES, chastity play won’t be a problem. But if you meant it—if you’re not capable of remaining in a submissive headspace for more than a few hours—you’ll need to ask your partner, before the padlock clicks shut, just how long she intends to keep your cock locked up.

“Being locked also has another side effect that you wouldn’t perhaps anticipate,” Sheets added. “Whenever you become turned on, you feel your cage or belt against your penis. It can be anything from a gentle reminder to a vice-like grip, depending on your arousal level. And whenever this happens, your mind automatically turns to your key holder, even if they’re not around.”

Ruffled Sheets blogs at ruffledsheets.com, where he reviews male chastity devices and other sex toys. Follow him on Twitter @ruffledsheets.

My girlfriend of four months has unofficially moved in with me. We began as a long-distance thing; I live in New York City, and she lived in the Deep South. What began as her visiting me for the holidays ended up with her staying with me indefinitely. She comes from a very poor family, and going back home means sleeping in her grandma’s living room. Things are going well, but we are moving fast.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I’m loving it and loving her. On the other hand, I feel like she could be using me. She has found part-time work. She hasn’t pitched in for rent—I also have a roommate—but she has pitched in for groceries.

Do I ask her for rent money? Do I send her back to her grandma’s place? I don’t know what to do, because I feel like I am housing a refugee.

She’s Here Indefinitely Now

Instead of ending things now to protect yourself from retroactively feeling shitty about this relationship if it ends at some point in the future, SHIN, you should have a convo with your girlfriend about rent, reality and roommates. Tell her that it can’t go on like this indefinitely—living in your apartment rent-free—as it’s unfair to your roommate, and that kind of support is too much to expect from someone she’s been seeing for only four months. Tell her you appreciate the ways she’s kicking in now—helping with groceries—but eventually, she’ll need to start kicking in on rent, too. Then set a realistic date for her to start paying rent.

You should also encourage her to think about getting her own place. Not because you want to stop seeing her—you’re loving it and loving her—but because a premature commitment (and cohabitating is a commitment) can sabotage a relationship. You also don’t want her to feel so dependent on you that she can’t end things if she needs to. You want her to be with you because she wants to be with you, not because she’s trapped.

I found a man like WISHOTK, and we meet up for spanking sessions. Neither of our spouses know. It’s only spanking, no sex. How bad should I feel?

Really Erotic Dalliances But, Um, Married

Very bad. In fact, REDBUM, I think you should be spanked for getting spanked behind your husband’s back—then spanked again for getting spanked for getting spanked behind your husband’s back. And then spanked some more.

I’m a 26-year-old cis queer woman. My best friend has identified publicly as asexual for the past two years. She constantly talks about how since she doesn’t “need” sex, this means she is asexual. She does have sex, however, and she enjoys it, which I know isn’t disqualifying. But she also actively seeks out sex partners and sex. Again, she insists that because she doesn’t “need” sex the way she presumes the rest of us do, she is asexual.

I have an issue with this. I’ve never had partnered sex and never really felt the need or desire for it. I’m plenty happy with emotional intimacy from others and masturbation for my sexual needs, and I do not particularly desire a romantic or sexual partner. My friend gets offended if anyone questions her label, which occurs often in our friend group, as people try to understand her situation. I usually defend her to others since she’s my friend, but as a person who is starting to identify more and more as asexual, I’ve grown annoyed at her use of “asexual” as her identifier, to the point that this may be starting to affect our friendship. I’ve kept silent because I don’t want to make her feel attacked—but in the privacy of my own head, I’m calling bullshit on her asexuality. I don’t particularly want to come out as asexual to her, given the circumstances.

Am I just being a shitty gatekeeping asexual? Do I need to just accept that labels are only as useful as we make them, and let this go?

Actually Coitus Evading

Asexuality—it’s a real thing.

“Several population-level studies have now found that about 1 percent of individuals report not feeling sexual attraction to another person—ever,” Dr. Lori Brotto writes in The Globe and Mail. Dr. Brotto has extensively studied asexuality, and the data supports the conclusion that asexuality is a sexual orientation on par with heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. “(Asexuality) is not celibacy, which is the conscious choice to not have sex, even though sexual desires may endure,” Dr. Brotto writes. “Rather, for these individuals, there is no inherent wish for or desire for sex, and there never has been. They are asexuals, though many prefer to go by the endearing term ‘aces.’”

Asexuality is a point on a spectrum, and it’s a spectrum unto itself.

“There is a spectrum of sexuality, with sexual and asexual as the endpoints, and a gray area in between,” says whoever wrote the general FAQ at the Asexual Visibility and Education Network website. “Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of ‘gray-asexual’ or ‘gray-a.’ Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction, but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction, but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual, because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting. Furthermore, (some) asexual people in relationships might choose or even want to have sex with their partner as a way of showing affection, and they might even enjoy it. Others may want to have sex in order to have children, or to satisfy a curiosity, or for other reasons.”

As for your friend, ACE … well, according to the Protocols of the Elders of Tumblr, we’re no longer allowed to express doubt about someone’s professed sexual orientation or gender identity. So if Republican U.S. Senator Larry Craig of Idaho gets caught trawling for dick in an airport bathroom—which he did in 2007—and insists it was all a misunderstanding, because, you know, he’s 200 percent straight, well, then he’s straight. (And if Jeffrey Dahmer says he’s a vegetarian … .) So even if your friend pulls the cock from her mouth and/or the pussy off her face only long enough to shout, “I’M ACE,” before slapping her mouth back down into someone’s lap, then she’s ace, ACE. Maybe in the same way Larry Craig is straight, your friend is asexual—or, hey, maybe she’s asexual in the “gray-a” sense, i.e., under certain circumstances (awake, aware, conscious, alert, sentient), she experiences sexual attraction. Or maybe she’s not a gray-a who identifies as ace, but an actual asexual who is having sex for “other reasons.” A person doesn’t have to be celibate to be asexual or to identify as asexual, ACE, and until there’s an asexual accreditation agency—which there never will be and never should be—we’ll just have to take your friend’s word for it.

But just as asexuality is a thing, ACE, so, too, is bullshit. Denial is a thing, and sex shame is an incredibly destructive thing. Like the guy who has a lot of gay sex but refuses to identify as gay or bi, it’s possible your friend is just a messy closet case—a closeted sexual, someone who wants sex but doesn’t want to be seen as the kind of person who wants sex, since only bad people want sex. Some people twist themselves into the oddest knots so they can have what they want without having to admit they want it. But even if it sounds to you (and me) like your friend’s label is suspect, you should nevertheless hold your tongue and allow her to identify however she likes. Ask questions, sure, but challenging her label will only damage your relationship (or further damage it) and make you feel like a closeted, gatekeeping ace.

And if you find yourself getting annoyed when your ace-identified friend starts in on how she doesn’t really “need” all the sex she’s having, ACE, do what I used to do when I had to listen to guys I knew for a fact were having tons of gay sex (because they were having it with me) go on and on about how they didn’t really “need” cock: smile, nod, roll ’em over and fuck ’em in the ass again. (Feel free to swap “change the subject” for “roll ’em over” and “leave the room” for “fuck ’em in the ass.”)

Settle a dispute between friends: I’m a straight man who gets hit on fairly often by women, mostly at the gym. I usually respond with a variation on: “I would be interested but I’m married.” Some of my friends argue that by saying, “I’m interested but I’m married,” I’m telegraphing an interest in some sort of affair. That isn’t my intent. I mean it as a compliment. What I’m trying to communicate is: “You’re an attractive person who put yourself out there, and I don’t want to crush your spirit with a curt ‘No.’”

What is your take, Dan?

Mutual Attraction Rarely Results In Erotic Dalliances

Which is it, MARRIED: “I wouldbe interested, but I’m married,” or, “I am interested, but I’m married”? Because there’s a difference between “I would” and “I am” in this context. When you say, “I would be interested, but I’m married,” you’re shutting it down: We could fuck if I wasn’t married, but I am, so we can’t. But when you say, “I am interested, but I’m married,” that can be read very differently: I’m down to fuck but—full disclosure—I’m married. If that’s OK with you, let’s find a stairwell and do this thing.

Would be politely shuts the door, MARRIED; am opens the door a crack and invites the sweaty woman at the gym to push against it to see if it’ll open all the way.