Thursday, July 2, 2009

Chest like bad report cards....DOUBLE D"S

That right bi**hes! We like titt*es so much that no only do we hang with fat dudes, we also decided to bless yall with a boobs bonus post! Remember our generosity and tell a friend to tell a friend about the Nappyheadedbros site. We're trying to broaden our viewership to include everything from AA cups to Sheyla Hershey's 38KKK's....(being black I still have a problem with those three letters, but f**k it, it's in the name of ti**es aka the greater good of mankind.) On with the blog my ni**as!

In drawing upon C4's previous reference to C cups as the "Air Jordan's of Boobs", I have come to the subsequent conclusion that D Cups are like the Jordan Retro's of boobs, classic yet eye-catchinglyunnecessary.

What then, is to be said of the ever elusive Double D when viewing boobs through the eyes of the sneakerhead? Obviously DD's must represent the next logical step in sneaker progression, except for one problem...there is no shoe deemed better than the coveted Air Jordan. Does this mean that Show's underlying thesis of "bigger is always better" is inherently flawed? Hells bells, no! What's better than sporting a new pair of J's while walking down the street? Drivingmuthafu**a!. That's right, I've gone and said it. DD"s and above are like big, shiny chrome rims! Let me explain.

This being said, as with all unnecessary and ridiculous things, the more outrageous and outlandish the better! Why stop at 20's when you can have 26's, 28's or even 30's! This is usually the same pattern of thinking of those who get implants. I'm not hating on the ridiculous nature of over sized circus freak breasts either...I have fallen victim to the same pattern of thinking as a result of my watching BET as a child and being swayed by images of bling, rims and other powerful n***atry. I wish 44 DD's came with light up nipples that could changes patterns like X-mas lights, or that they were scratch and sniff, permeating the air with your fragrance of choice. What? They are already f**king ridiculous...Just like those roulette wheel rims, diamond rims or the ones with LED clocks in them.

4. Eclipsing even tints and subwoofers, rims (and DD's) are the ultimate display of n***a-ness.

Sorry to dwell on the N-word today, but it is what it is. Like a white woman with extremely large breasts, Rims are most likely to be seen in the company of black dudes. As with all things great, these two assets (white women with huge racks and large shiny rims) tend to attract the police and cause a whole heap of racial profiling trouble. Think I'm lying? You never see cops harass a black man with a fat white woman (as everything is obviously in her name) , a black man with an A-cup (as she's obviously a skinny little crackhead, who's smoked all the evidence), or anyone driving a car without rims (as they are obviously too broke to be dealing drugs, or are Caucasian.)It's true people. Don't shoot the messenger.

3. Both are only good for showing off

I was once quoted as saying rims are like weaves for your car, and car washes similar to shape-ups. I would like to amend that. Rims are like neck tattoos for your car. Rather than upgrade your whip's interior, or sound system, (things only certain people will see), you had to choose the one thing visible no matter where a person is standing, (similar to rockin an actual neck tattoo, which remains visible no matter what you are wearing). Double D boobs (and larger) are no different. If you're getting implants why stop at a C? You want the world (and most likely the entire strip club who hired you) to see your goodies. Those of you born with them aren't off the hook either...you might conceal them up in the wintertime (i.e. switching to snow tires), but I've never seen a Double D covering up once booty short weather (aka summer) is in full effect.

2. Showcasing your DD's or Rims may backfire, leading to serious misfortune.

Go ahead...hit a pothole or curb and scuff your rim. Next, proceed to look at all the haters and chickenheads jealous of the fact that they cannot afford rims, begin to laugh. Tis the same with watermelon sized titt*es. You may think they look stunning in your halter-top or form fitting shirt, but accidentally forget to cover up a stretch mark, sag or carelessly glance over a popped button and watch the haters come out the wood-work. Other things, worse than embarrassment, may occur as libido crazed stalkers try to accost you or ni**as try to steal your car, just for the rims. I know C4 mentioned scuff marks on the ti**ies in a prior post, but this , my ni**a, is much more serious.

1. It is hard to look professional with rims or DD's.

How the flying f**k are we supposed to take you seriously when you look as though you are smuggling two infants sucking on backwards pacifiers under your blouse? Oh I'm sorry, I thought the presentation was on air bags or airplane pillows, not Avon. My bad. Worse still, is the young, educated urban executive (aka Showrock) who shows up to a business meeting early enough to allow the smokers congregating outside a chance to see you hop out of your rimmed up n***a-mobile like a hood Bruce-Wayne. I don't care what kind of suit you're wearing, if you could see your reflection in your rims, or can balance a mirror on your t*ts and thereby see your reflection, they're too frickin big (for work.) They are, however, perfect for play. Just ask Pam Anderson, 36DD.

All these things said, I still love Double D's and above with a fervor that even C4 will never understand. F**k playing devils advocate, I live and breathe this huge t*t fetish. Sure I'll accept a little extra in other, not so flattering, places if it comes with the package, and while I always thought of myself as an ass & breast man, today God has proven me wrong. Even before writing this post, I kid you not, God placed me in a dilemma whereby I was forced to make an important decision. While walking home from work I see a PuertoRican with a fatty bending over to pick up a baby bottle. She stood there like that for about 30 seconds as I walked toward her. Then out of the blue, while woman number one continued grasping for the bottle, woman number 2, a sexy, mixed broad with DD's which bordered on E-cup range began jogging towards me at the same time. I was forced to make a decision and I did. Viva la Doble-D (that's spanish, not a typo.)

Yeah, pause, playboy. Far be it from me to cockblock my man ShowRock (well, at least since the truce of 2005 after a 3-round competition {during which we hated on each other} ended in a 1-1-1 tie. Yeah there was a tie. Sadly not because we trained a chick but because we both lost with her. True story. No names, thooough!), or any man from his pursuit of pugnacious (look it up!) bosoms.

As a matter of fact, I see your point, Show...to an extent. See, you hold a pair of D's or DD's and it's like a big piece of chocolate cake with mad frosting, maybe some chocolate chips, some fudge and/or drizzle. You know you're being decadent, you know it's more than you'll need to satisfy the sweet tooth (or tongue in this instance), "but f*** it let's indulge!" you say. So what you have little hands. God also gave you two of them! (shout out Jelani W.) Use both! Like a toddler holding a Whopper...or Double Whopper. YA DIG?! Show: like a Shovel.

Get your motorboat on, playboy. Enjoy the superior bounce-ability, the softness and buoyancy of nature's pillows,

But let me reason with cats for a minute.

I'm talking to the breast men out there, the lovers of D-licious boobies. That's all you need, man. In fact, it's exactly what you need. I know you're unsatisfied with Cs, I get it. You're an extremist. You go hard or go home. You don't waste time analyzing breasts, wondering whether or not they are "good." You like BIG BOOBS, period. I feel you son. For you, the line between the D and the DD is blurred. It's whatever, so long as it's BIG.

But this isn't 'Nam, Smokey, there are rules. Huge bosoms tend to come with a price, and these are those:

1. Big Shoulders - NEVER sexy on a woman. Unless you like the kind of women who also have penises. And that's disgusting, Eddie Murphy.

2. Plumpitude - Keep it 100, y'all. Most women with DD breasts also have like 35inch waistlines. Again, God is fair for the most part. But don't expect a banging body to accompany these abnormally large boobs.

"But C4! How do I separate my love of giants breastststs from my aversion to rotund and over-testosteroned chicks?!"

Aside from being the GOAT pornstar (future post!), Gianna Michaels is also the perfect example of the perfect package of a woman with DD breasts. If DD's are rims, then Gianna's breasts are like 4 4's wrapped in 4 Vogues, and I'm tippin' like Mike Jones and Paul Wall, baby.

For you see my friends, this woman has the ideal frame to carry such magnanimous mammaries. My theme throughout this series has been about proportions, ya dig. Her 36DDs rest atop a 5'10" frame, with long legs and just the right amount of thickness. Any less we'd question her credibility. Any more and she'd start wandering into the realm of the chubby (in weight. Her profession is all about the realm of the "chubby"). She's like a scaled up version of a 5'7" chick with D's or

Most remarkably, HER BREASTS ARE NATURAL!!! They droop, but just right. They still bounce, they're silky soft, and they're so big she can suck on em herself. DAMN!

This is what you strive for, gentlemen. F*** these silicon and saline scallywags. If you're gonna go big do it right. Get that big ass piece of chocolate cake from Junior's, not from Safeway.