Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Why They Do It: A Look at Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships

After an interesting long day I stayed up the whole night writing,
then at 6:15 am I went to a nearby coffee shop to carry on in a
different setting. One of the female customers waiting in line ― mid 40s
pleasant-looking blonde wearing the typical Santa Monica morning sport gear ―
had some bruises caused by finger marks on her right arm, perhaps three
or four of them purple ones. Almost instinctively I started wondering
why would a human being inflict any kind of pain on any other human, let
alone someone they supposedly have a relationship with. I found myself
lost in thoughts and memories…

Domestic abuse, also known as
spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or
marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. They use
harmful, injurious, offensive ways to do so. Physical violence is
called domestic violence and it includes sexual abuse. There are also
psychological and verbal abuse ― the emotional abuse type.

One may
think that physical abuse is much worse than its emotional counterpart, since
physical violence often leads to scars and injuries. But, the scars of
emotional abuse are real, and they run down deep inside. In fact, they can
be just as damaging as the physical, sometimes more so.
Unfortunately, it is often minimized, overlooked, or excused even by the person
being abused.

Emotional abuse involves name-calling, yelling, blaming, and shaming.
This drains the abused person. It eventually leads to stripping away
their pride, forcing them to compromise their self-worth and
self-respect; to always live in the shadow, constantly walking on
eggshells. As such, it could leave deeper scars compared to the physical
abuse, which is more of an instantaneous, prompt thing, if you will. The
damage lasts here. Not that it doesn’t in the case of physical abuse,
but perhaps because more emotions are involved, this kind of scars may
be significantly destructive to the person and to any relationship.

Another reason why it may be harder to get rid of the consequences of verbal abuse is that the inner voice of the abused keeps replaying whatever they used to hear from the abuser. The toxic thought pattern invades their minds, resulting in even more insecurity and low self-esteem.

Sometimes, the abuse leads the victim to become codependent. So they remain in the dysfunctional relationship because they take on the role of the saviour, believing they can fix the abuser, which seldom works since the healing has to come from the abusers themselves. The abused may or may not be able to offer real help; but one thing is certain, the abuser needs to work on their own selves. This brings us to another piece of mine: Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means. One more is What Is Fear of Abandonment and How to Overcome It.

Physical abuse can be identified by the following signs:

Tramline bruise:
Two linear shaped bruises separated by a linear area of relatively
unbruised skin, which results from being struck with a rectangular or
cylindrical object.

Linear bruising: The slap of
an open hand may leave parallel linear bruises on the cheek or
elsewhere, bruises may also be caused by objects such as a stick, rod,
etc.

Pinch mark: Two oval shaped bruises, with one
bruise (caused by the thumb) larger than the other, and separated by an
area of relatively unbruised skin. Depending upon the amount of pressure
applied, a hematoma — a localized swelling that is filled with blood caused by a break in the wall of a blood vessel —
may be present within the area between the two bruises. Curvilinear
lacerations caused by fingernails may be present in one or both bruised
areas. Typically these occur in smaller pinch marks where the skin is
pinched between the fingernails.

Fingertip bruising:
Caused by grabbing or squeezing the flesh appear as oval shaped bruises
with the bruise caused by the thumb some distance away. Not all of the
fingers may leave a bruise as a result of the uneven pressure being
applied. This, I believe, was the case with our coffee shop lady.

There are various reasons why abusers do what they do; and they often alternate between different ones. They might want to:

Stop the abused from doing something

Shut them up

Punish them for doing something he/she didn’t like

Punish them for hurting his/her feelings

Show them who’s the boss

Win an argument

Get their own way

Essentially,
domestic violence is all about power and control. The violence and
abuse are used for one purpose only: to gain then maintain total, rigid
control over a person. Be it a partner, a child or even an
animal, to force someone to do something means attempting to control
them. Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, intimidation to get their way.
They may also threaten the abused, hurt them, or hurt those around
them.

Domestic violence and abuse do not distinguish. They occur
among heterosexual couples as in same-sex partnerships;
within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. They also occur between people from different generations as well as siblings. And
while women are more commonly victimised, men are equally abused —
especially verbally and emotionally, sometimes even physically
as well.

The abuse inflicted by women can take a slightly
different curve. As insightfully noted by a pen pal of mine, when a son,
for instance, grows up being overly controlled by his mother, the consequences
are different due to the nature of the mother/son relationship. Because they are males, when
those boys mature they often tend to hide and
repress the abuse they went through. The dire consequences are still
there, though they may be more subtle in such cases, perhaps sometimes also more profound.

Some of the following facts regarding abuse are truly shocking:

Every 9 seconds in the U.S a woman is assaulted or beaten. Imagine?

Around
the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced
into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser
is a member of her own family.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women — more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined!

Based
on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of
women who had been physically abused by their partners had never
contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for
help.

More facts and statistics can be found on this U.S. Department of Justice Link.

In reality, men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic
violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of
nonviolent parents. So that vicious circle starts early when it
certainly doesn’t, and shouldn’t, have to be like this.

An additional feature is that
men who abuse members of their family tend to blame other people,
or circumstances or alcohol for their rage and violent outbursts. Not
taking responsibility for one’s own actions by blaming others is
precisely the major cause of suffering. So the abuse is actually a
blatant sign of weakness in those men, which says a whole lot about
them. In many cases, the reasons behind the abuse have to do with some
deeply held beliefs about their masculinity. As human nature, it stems
from their inner fears and the many insecurities their ego breads.

At the end, abusive behaviour is never the answer. The nasty, lasting repercussions of domestic violence and abusive relationships can be gravely harmful. We need more people to realise that any kind of abuse is not
healthy and should never be tolerated. Victims may seek help, or
choose to heal themselves, or end their toxic relationshits. Simply because we are all worth much more. Whether the abuse
is coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an elder, all beings
deserve to be safe from harm. All beings deserve to be treated with
dignity, and to feel valued and respected. All beings deserve to be
Loved.

About This Blog

Hey there, my name is Omar Cherif and I'm a trilingual author, poet, philosopher and photographer with some wicked zest for life. After earning degrees in journalism, psychology, and philosophy, I worked in the corporate world for ten years before taking art in general and writing in particular as vocations. So starting my own blog and Facebook page couldn’t be such a bad idea.
The content may vary between conscious living, art, psychology, philosophy, history, music, nature, adventures, or just some fun raving, ranting and rambling of a semi-controlled coucou-minded non compos mentis. Yep, that’s how I see myself most of the times; as well as Eclectic Sapiosexual Philomath Lexophile Hedonist Psychonaut Nefelibata BoBo.
As such, if you’re mesmerised by the Youniverse and what it has to offer, this IS your cup o’ tea.
I often wonder why do men have nipples, and that in case you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right. I’m also still wondering what was the ‘that’ which Meat Loaf wouldn’t do in 1993. Lots of genius questions to ponder. Let’s do this...