Sunday, December 5, 2010

"There is only one way in which those of us who live can repay the dead who have given their utmost for the cause of liberty and justice. They died in the hope that, through their sacrifice, an enduring peace would be built and a more just world would emerge for humanity."-Eleanor Roosevelt

I wonder if these words are still true today, for the men and women who have given their lives in the middle east. Are we fighting for an enduring peace? Is such a thing in that region of the world even possible? An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. When will the cycle of violence end? I can tell you one thing, it won't happen without a Palestinian state. Israel keeps crossing the limits of acceptable in the eyes of everyone, even the United States has condemned their settlement expansions, and yet we continue to support them. And the terrorists that Israel has to fight will continue to fight and hate with such fervor that while at the same time disagreeing with Israel's policy of expansion it's hard to argue that they should concede anything, when history has taught us nothing if not that they will continue to be terrorized even if they chose to give back territory for a Palestinian state. Everyone is working at odds against themselves, not to mention everyone else. Until we're willing to forgive past wrongs and work together, there will always be conflict. I see both sides of this argument. I do not, however, see a solution. The idea that (and I'm going to generalize here) the Arabs will stop hating the Jews for stealing their land, persecuting them, and forcing them from their homes and that the Jews will stop hating the Arabs for attacking and terrorizing them is pure fantasy. It's never going to happen. How depressing.

So what are we fighting for? We are the United States of America. We need to completely extinguish our dependance on foreign oil so we have no personal investment in the region and let them sort it out themselves, to their benefit or detriment. Basically, our goal needs to be to butt out and make it possible for it not to be our problem. This isn't WWII. A little isolationism would do us good.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I'm finding myself increasingly interested in politics and economics. They seem to be what make our world go round. Politics seems much more straightforward than economics. Reading an article on politics requires much less background knowledge than reading one about economics. I may actually have to educate myself, because my one semester of macro-economics did not remain in my brain. I do, however, still have my text and workbooks. So maybe I'll dig them out to peruse during my massive amount of free time. Unfortunately not making time to do so will mean that my current understanding the system will continue to be lacking, and I really feel the need to learn up.

Friday, December 3, 2010

I write. I write a lot. I write a lot about a lot of things. I have a bazillion blogs (ok, maybe closer to eight, but in terms of number of blogs eight might as well be a bazillion in terms of ridiculousness). I also have a journal, after learning the hard way that some thoughts are meant to be private. So what exactly is a blog? More specifically, what is the point of all of my blogs? It's not like so many people are interested in what I have to say that any of them besides my baby blog are even warranted to exist. I have a baby blog. I have a general blog. I have a cooking blog. I have a "green" blog. I have a couple of private blogs. And now I find myself asking, WTF do I have all of these blogs? And is the answer consolidation or just deletion? I think the answer might be to get it down to two. My baby blog and my general blog. People interested in the baby stuff don't have to be bothered with all the rest of the crap I like to write about, but I will be getting my accomplishments (what accomplishments, this is a load of bs, that's what this is) out there so I feel satisfied (about my massive amount of non-accomplishments). Maybe if I record everyday, normal stuff in a blog it feels more like an accomplishment.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I am extremely mentally lazy. And let's just skip the quips about all the other ways I'm lazy, but it was rather like an epiphany. We are capable of so much, and I don't know about the rest of you, but I let most of that potential go to waste. When I think about all the things there are to think about that I don't think about...well, it makes me feel mentally lazy, I said that already. They aren't kidding when they say learning makes you smarter. Now, mental laziness is directly related to physical laziness. I mean, why can't I learn a language? Because I'm too lazy to take the time out of my day to sit down and make my lazy brain work. Lazy, lazy, lazy. People like Louis Howe (no, I don't expect you to know who that is unless you're a history buff like me, but you can google it if you're curious) must never have given their brains a chance to rest, they were so busy and accomplished so much by working so hard. Does everyone in politics think like that? If they don't, does that explain so many of the problems in our government? Maybe everyone is just mentally lazy and they hide it by knowing how to look like they're doing something. I think I just summed up the American legislative branch.

This wouldn't be that important, except I've been trying to figure out what the point of having a blog is when I have a journal. Did you know that people who journal every day have higher IQs? I think it has something to do with self reflection and organizing ideas. I think that the blog is for specific ideas, things that I would write an essay on, or could, at least. My journal is for me to record the important thoughts my internal narrative has had that day. To keep track of my thoughts. Heavens, I forget more than I'll ever remember. Ha.

Ok, the baby is asleep. He's been asleep all morning, so it's time to wake him up. Or maybe take a nap. Hey, I said I was lazy. I'm also tired.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Anyone who knows me knows that I love lists. Lists make my world go round. If it's not on a list it just doesn't seem solid to me. So I have lists about everything. And this morning I need a distraction from things I don't want to talk about and don't have the emotional strength to think about anymore. So I'm going to make a lists of lists that are partially formed and need to be cemented down. Some lists are just lists and some are more along the lines of plans. And I expect this to be absolutely fascinating to anyone who reads my blog. Are you fascinated yet? Ha!

Monday, August 2, 2010

So, I have decided that I want to figure out what my opinions on certain political issues are (aka I finished A Storm of Swords and now I'm bored as hell). Too often we find ourselves in conversations about things that we really don't know how we feel about. It's not that we don't care, and sometimes we care very vehemently, but still don't really know the facts (or what we're talking about). Currently I am registered as a Democrat, but I consider myself an Independent. However, Colorado requires that you be a registered member of a political party to vote in their primary elections and I decided I cared more about who the Democrats were sending to the ballot than the Republicans last election. Is there a political party I actually identify with enough to loudly proclaim membership? Although, "Hi, my name is Chelsey and I vote for the best person for the job," does sound a lot more empowered than, "Hi, I'm a Democrat." I've done enough reading about the Tea Party to know I agree with some of their ideas, but that's partially what has sparked this newfound interest in politics, because I realized I had no opinion on taxes. Last fall I voted for a big increase in property taxes in Colorado Springs because I felt that what it would pay for was worth it. But the opposite side of that coin is eliminating government waste, and I can't deny that being an impossible job. Why should we pay for that? This could take come time though, and I certainly don't think that I'm going to come to conclusions about every issue I've thought of tonight, so I'm going to list them here and refer back, and whenever I need something to do and my brain is rotting from boredom I can learn something and blog about it.

This is going to be a long list, I wonder if there's a better way to write it so as not to take up so much space...Hmm...Thinking...

Sunday, July 18, 2010

8"When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is set before you.9Heal the sick who are there and tell them, 'The kingdom of God is near you.'10But when you enter a town and are not welcomed, go into its streets and say,11'Even the dust of your town that sticks to our feet we wipe off against you. Yet be sure of this: The kingdom of God is near.'12I tell you, it will be more bearable on that day for Sodom than for that town.

This was the scripture reading at the Celtic service last night. It made me feel better.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I hurt. If I lie in bed and don't move I don't hurt. Getting rid of this nausea is proving difficult though. Maybe I just need an easy weekend. Let's hope that'll make me feel better.

After talking more with David I feel even more confused. Of course, half my concerns don't even apply by the time I talk to him. Because somehow in a day or two things have changed, or something. Who knows. Our 1-2-3-5-10 year plan doesn't go past 3. That doesn't work for me. I recognize that anything that far advance in subject to major changes, but the point is to have a plan. And he just hasn't been online often enough or long enough to satisfy my need to figure this out. I don't know if I even feel like thinking today though.

I'm putting away baby stuff now. Then maybe a nap. Then the Celtic service. That's about all I'm up for today. Even though I'm feeling better.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It's officially impossible to try to make solid life plans while a family member is in the service. I'm really looking forward to going back to school. Really, really looking forward to it. I'm finding that a baby born in November is extremely inconvenient to going to school though, because it's a month before finals when you don't have any real time to be missing large expanses of class. If I were in Colorado already it might be possible for me to start a full semester class in January, however from a practical standpoint I don't think it's likely that I can move back there in time to start classes, having had abdominal surgery just a month prior, a two-month old in tow without a built-in support network, and coming back to a house that needs a serious scrubbing from top to bottom, half of its contents thrown out, and then a lot of handywork done. I'd like to think that it's possible, but it would be a stretch, and one done without much outside help. One or both of my parents might be able to come help me settle in, but then I'm left with two friends in the Springs. The rest of my friends and support are going to have to be built from the ground up. There are some late start classes that I could enroll in after David gets back, so I'm planning on applying to the school either way, just to keep my options open. But next semester doesn't look promising.

Then there's this new issue of where I am going to graduate from. At the point I don't know. I know that David will be home in early 2011 and one of two things will happen. Either he will stay at Carson to complete a deployment to Afghanistan in 2012 or he will be PCS'd to Ft. Hood to start training on the new ERMP MQ-1C UAV. No, I didn't realize that there was a potential for an "or" there either. If he stays at Carson then college is fairly straightforward. I need to work out my debt with UCCS so I can go back to school there and start taking classes towards the degree I will eventually earn there. I would have enough time to complete my degree in Colorado before they potentially PCS'd us elsewhere after his Afghanistan deployment. If he goes to Ft. Hood we are facing a lot of complications. For starters, moving could require us to fork over $8,000 to the IRS. That would be the tax credit we received when we bought our house last October. We are supposed to live in the house for three whole years to earn that credit, and if we sell, or even lease, before then, we might have to pay it all back. I don't know about you, but $8,000 is a lot of money. That's a really big incentive to stay the hell put. Also, Ft. Hood is two and a half hours away from any major Texas city. Actually, it's about two and a half hours away from three of them. Three big cities with good schools and they are just far enough away to be inaccessible. But this could potentially be a really good thing for David's career. This is the new UAV, who knows where or when we will be fighting next, and being on the up and coming end of training is nothing but beneficial. I imagine that David is going to be career army, and therefore our long term plans have to include a certainly inevitability of inconvenience. If this is what could set him up for being more than just another UAV pilot turned flight instructor because there was nowhere else for him to go, I'd like to expound upon that opportunity. Even if it means going to *shudder* Texas.

Now David and I have yet to finish our conversation on this topic. He had to go to work. So I don't know everything that I would like to know. I can only imagine that he would like the opportunity to go to Texas, both because this new UAV is pretty kick-ass and because he brought it up at all. If he was completely unenthused about the possibility of going to Texas (I'm pretty sure this is a submit your candidacy kind of program) he wouldn't have said anything about it. And I am of course keenly interested in what kind of an opportunity this job actually is. If this is the it, if this is the split in the career track that makes the difference between standard and exceptional, than we need to go to Texas, and I'm not going to keep that from happening. Maybe I'm making too much of the opportunity though, and nothing would really be that different. In which case the potential costs of the physical move are severe. It has to be worth it. That's why it merited my first blog since January. Because I don't wanna go! I'm really hoping that my conversation with David when he gets off work later will answer some of my questions. That's the other thing about the military. I know that some of my questions don't have answers because he just doesn't know yet. For example, I could give Ft. Hood the ok and then they could not send him there. However, that would just mean that he'd be set for a 2012 deployment and I'd be back on track being able to graduate in Colorado.

It all comes down to how big a deal this really is. And I won't know until later. I just hadn't thought of any of this until now.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I haven't blogged in forever, although I guess December 19 isn't as long as I thought. I've been extremely busy and personal things have been going into my journal for some time now. Since I don't know that anyone is actually keeping track of me here it's not that important to keep it updated. And when it comes down to it, I'm bone weary. My gall bladder surgery didn't work, I'm still in pain, no difference. I don't see my pain specialist until the 22nd, though I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can do anything about that. I thought I had lost all of my pain medication in Illinois, but thankfully I found one of my bottles of Dilaudid in the car and only haven't taken any yet because I have to eat first, so I don't spend the night puking. Yeah, because this is stuff other people want to know. I don't kid myself, trust me.

I mean it when I say I'm tired though. Tired beyond the restoration of sleep. It has nothing to do with sleep. Pain is it's own burden, a ceaseless strain. I don't remember the specifics, or why I was writing a report on malaria...I'm thinking that was a "help Rachael with her last semester of college" thing, but I digress. It said that people with malaria can sometimes? be treated with a drug that will temporarily relieve their symptoms. These patients expressed that they felt better than they had in years, better than they could ever remember feeling. I know what those words say, but I want to point them out again. Better than they could ever remember feeling. To me they are extremely significant, because it takes a long time to be able to forget how being healthy feels, till you can't remember what it was like to be "better." It's been six years, four months, and one week since I first saw a doctor because of my side pain. I don't remember anymore. All I can remember are the "best moments of my life" being ruined by untreated pain. I've had some people tell me that when I'm feeling alright I can't let my fear of the pain prevent me from doing what I want to do, except I always know that I'm waiting for it. It will come back, it's not a question. What is a question is whether it will come back while I'm in the mall, which means I will be forced to make it back to the car and be coherent enough to drive home. And that's not always the case. Safer to stay at home. There were entire weeks I would go hungry instead of risking a trip to the grocery store that was literally around the corner. I wasn't capable of making it through checkout. I didn't last that long.

I don't know why I've written any of this except I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. The big family Christmas dinner was pretty much ruined for me when my Dilaudid wasn't enough to even take the edge off. I managed to get through the passing of the food, but knew I looked bad when Rachael started holding the plates for me while I served myself. I managed to have a few bites, but then I had to excuse myself and go lie down in my parents bed (mine was downstairs, and far, far away in comparison). It's a miserable existence. I thank God for David, because without him, well, everything would be different. I would be hard pressed to find someone other than my family willing to take care of and do as much for me as he does. But that doesn't make me any happier that I can't do it myself. I'm ok with him being my provider, not so much my caretaker.