Tag: Heartbreak

If there is one remarkable advice I have given to someone, it is to never fall in love with a seafarer.

And then I met you.

Frankly, never have I imagined being in this situation. And this is not really what I see the night you introduced yourself to me. I thought it will be all about a lovey-dovey stuff. We were inseparable then and we were crazy about each other. I don’t understand why you insist on doing all the things I can do and I find it unusual to treat me more than special. I don’t even understand why you spent all your time with me. You would say, “Just this time,” and right then and there I know you won’t be able to do these things sooner.

Everything is much clearer now that you are away. I understand that your job is more than having pride in that white uniform, or in that haircut, or even in that snappy walk and talk. It’s more about working away from home – taking risks for the benefit of people you love out of the homesickness of that oil-stained face.

On some days I just find myself waking up without your usual morning call. I find myself waiting for a message I know I won’t be receiving. I find myself going to sleep with the hope that my phone might be ringing one last time, just this time. But no. I should have known that the moment I chose to love you is the time I embraced the fact that loving a seafarer is not only about loving someone from a distance. It is a blind shooting love – it is loving someone with all possible uncertainties, what ifs, and being clueless on when he comes back. It is not measured on how long you wait but it’s about how you understand why you wait.

And if you would call, know that my heart leaps for every small talk. Every time is more meaningful may it be a minute or two. We know communication is the key to every relationship but now, my love, it is more about trust. I trust you to take care of yourself while you are away because I will do all of that when you’ll be with me. I trust you to be faithful because all I ever did is to wait for you. And I trust you to come back like what you promised you would do.

My love, loving you is a risk but I wouldn’t mind loving you anyway. I believe only in you I can find love as deep as the ocean, as steady as the anchor, and as luxurious as the ship. I wouldn’t mind spending all my life waiting for you. And in God’s time, I know I will not be alone to do all the waiting – there will be these small people learning to say your name. And for the mean time, I still have all my time to get used to this. And I pray for your safety, that you may come back safe from navigating on seas.

They say only a strong heart can love, but it takes a stronger heart to love a seafarer.

This is me, finally accepting my defeat that no matter what I do, I am not on your league.

We are not only seeing each other. In fact we are not walking between the line. We were given the time. We were able to hold each other. You were able to pull me closer through my waist. I know all your jokes, your favorite songs, and your scent. That’s why it was hard when I decided to forget you because it also means forgetting the familiarity of the places we’ve gone, even the sound of your ring tone.

Even so, I want to thank you for pushing that we are always wrong for each other. Because of you, I learned what a true man is – he isn’t someone who gives signals only to be never heard again, leaving strings of excuses that it isn’t the right time yet. He isn’t someone who comes back when someone is taking his place. He isn’t someone who breaks hearts and pretend he’s up to waiting.

And as I look at your new messages asking me out again, while a part of me still thinks that we can make it official in the right time, I am also thinking that this distance between us is the exact closure I needed to get over this and get over you. And it’s also possible that a Christian guy like you – so perfect and devoted, could break hearts too.

I don’t want to show you off for the whole world to know that I am secretly seeing you but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way towards you.

We are at the point between dating and hanging out and I believe that we can keep each other secret for as long as we can. What we have right now is for us to understand and I believe that’s what matters. We don’t need validations from people who don’t even have any idea about how we came up to this. I can’t even figure out myself how we came right where we are now – so sudden, like whirlwind romance, the kind of love that made people sweep them off their feet.

For now let us enjoy this quiet space between the two of us. Let us talk about how you mustered the courage to talk to me, and how everything follows after that night in that coffee shop. Let us talk about our awkward talks to our planned travels. Tell me about ships and seas and I’ll tell you how my heart went premature ventricular contraction with your haircut and white uniform. Let’s wander to places we are unfamiliar with and just laugh at the thought of getting lost together.

Let us not tell the world what’s going on between us. Let them read between lines and never reveal about us. Let them wonder why I let someone fetch me at midnight and bring my loads of stuff. Let them guess your name and what’s really going on between us because honestly, we don’t know either.

We are at the point between dating and hanging out and I believe that we can keep each other a secret for a very long time. I believe there is a right time for everything. Let us pursue our dreams together and I couldn’t be more excited than seeing you navigating while I am dressed in my laboratory coat. Because again, what’s going on between us is for us to understand that what we had is not just merely dating – we are waiting for the right time, and that’s more than just hanging out.

Once upon a time I was deeply in love with you, or maybe just the idea of you, or perhaps just the idea of love.

I can honestly say you’ve been on my mind lately. I’ve been itching to convince myself that I can no longer continue this way – living in false hopes and truths you’ve indirectly slapped to me long ago. So as much as it pains me to say this, and although it should have been said long before, now with all the courage I’ve finally mustered, I have to do the explanation.

I can no longer do the waiting for your midnight call. Even though I know it’s been quite a routine already, I can no longer fight the urge to sleep and pretend I’m up for a sleepless night of studying. Yes it’s cute when we’re both losing sleep, staying up at wee hours planning our future together, forbidding to make other people fall for each one of us, but never forbidding each other to meet other people – but that will no longer make me stay, at least at this moment that won’t make me stay. I am tired seeing your Facebook rants about how you can’t be in a relationship and how you continually deny you don’t have someone as of the moment, but spends the whole night before on the phone sweet talking, swearing you’re going to wait for me. I am more than a late night fling.

I never told you I am saving myself for you whenever you show all your subtle jealousy when guys publicly show interest in me. I never even show hints whenever I see you secretly eyeing girls. And that adds up to the things I won’t miss. I don’t easily give up, you know that. But I can no longer handle this. I can no longer handle seeing your flirty comments on your crush who continually ignores you. And I can no longer handle your sweet talks with other girls but when it comes to me, you suddenly turns to be a believer of “True Love Waits”.

Whenever I think about the times we had, trust me, I don’t do it often. They just come up when you suddenly call me on a midnight when you are bored and I am contemplating to answer or not. Your memories appear blurred like they happened sometime in the past that sparks familiarity whenever I see something that reminds me of you. I no longer breakdown when passing familiar places or hearing our songs. The moment I finally got the courage to delete a thousand pictures of us, is the moment I realized you have no longer have space in my heart.

Honestly I’m so over you but I become undecided when you suddenly come up when I am lonely. It turns out you are just someone who like me when everybody is ignoring you. But then I realized you are not really someone as what I used to see – someone who claims that God has someone in store for me. And it took that fact so long to sink in that the one you’re talking to couldn’t be possibly you. For you are only preying me when you see you are already out of the picture and things are going well for me.
And this day that I’ve come up to start ignoring you is the day I start breaking my heart too.

I don’t want you to pursue me just because you are lonely. Find your happiness in being alone confidently knowing that at the right time I would surely come along. I want you to pursue me when you are ready and you are not in a hurry. I know there will be tiring and lonely nights but I want you to keep in mind that I exist and I am worth the wait.

I don’t want you to pursue me when you are recently dealing from a devastated relationship. I don’t want to hear dramas on how your ex broke your heart and how you were played. Sure, it’s nice to heal someone else’s heart, but I don’t want to be the one who will do it. I don’t want to be the one who will do the fixing. I want you to pursue me when you’re already whole and mature enough to know that rebound is not your thing.

I don’t want you to pursue me to play your games. Just so you know I’m good at it, but I don’t want to do the playing. I’ve been in a no strings attached and friendship-with-mutual-feelings kind of relationships and I’m good at keeping feelings at bay and trashing emotions, however I’m tired enough to go back to those helpless situations again. Don’t pursue me after a night of chitchat and after knowing me overnight. I want you to pursue me because commitments are really your thing.
I don’t want you to pursue me only to become an ex-girlfriend soon. I want you to understand that my concept of dating is to marry. Don’t pursue me because you want to experience the roller coaster of emotions in dating. Don’t pursue me when marriage is not on your list. I am preserving myself for someone who is godly enough to pursue me. The only time I would surely become your exgirlfriend is when you make me your wife.
I want you to pursue me because you see completeness in me and you see your future in me. Pursue me because you love all the little things about me – the good and the bad and you find them amazing. Pursue me because you want to be the one I will be writing about. Pursue me because you want to protect me. Pursue me because you want to spend Sunday mornings sipping coffee with me. Pursue me because I am your only choice. So if you’re going to choose between me and another person, then don’t pursue me. I want you to see that I am precious, a person who loves consistency. I don’t want to spend the aftermath with someone who constantly thinks if he made the right decision or not.

And most importantly, pursue me at the right time when we are stable enough that dating will be our topmost priority. Right now, I want you to build and prepare yourself before you pursue me. Get a degree, work hard, invest as early as now, grow spiritually, and do all the things that you love because I want to hear them all when we will finally be together. I don’t you want to be the man of my dream; however I want you to be a man of practicality. Don’t worry I’m not into searching for Mr. Right who forever stays as a far fetched noun, an ambiguity, and a mystery.

Come to think of it, I shouldn’t feel this way at all. I shouldn’t be dismayed in times when you don’t call or in times you ignore me for days. I shouldn’t be sad when you don’t ask me how it’s like after spending time with you. And of course, I can’t be crying every time you tell me to never tell anyone we’ve been going out together.

I know I don’t own you and perhaps I never will. So stupid of me to swoon on your words that you could have dated me if you never had a girlfriend. So stupid of me to wait for a reply when you’re busy minding the drama of your LDR girlfriend. So stupid of me to be a late night fling. Now I couldn’t be more stupid for asking my role in your life no matter how pathetic that may be. To ask for explanations how can you give mixed signals then come to ignore me. To pretend it’s not something to cry the whole night when you told me to never get attached to you because you don’t want to hurt me.

Of course, I couldn’t be her. I could never hold your heart the way she holds it like a trophy. I couldn’t post our pictures, or write something about you for the whole world to see. I will only be the one you’re secretly seeing the whole time. The one you’re sending false hopes no matter how many times you keep on reminding that we could never be more than that.

You see, I’m trying to be the best at loving you but I can’t possibly let you do the same for me. Whenever you’re with me, I know you’re not really with me no matter how I tried to change that. It’s simply because I’m not her. And as I look at yet another update of the two of you on my feed, with flowering words I wished you can say to me while a part of me still thinks in the lamest way that I hope you can make us official, I am also thinking that maybe this online PDA of your long-term relationship is the exact closure I need to get over this and get over you.

Somehow I was successful in pretending that what we had was never really a big deal – like it’s almost a total blur. But just this once I’ll tell you how much I’m feeling to this whirlwind romance you never remember but I can’t possibly forget.

Don’t get me wrong. I miss you. I miss how everything used to be. I miss the simple things: the way you run your fingers through my hair and how you tell me it smells great, the way you look at me while I was whining, the way you patiently answer the question I asked a million times or the way you carry me in your arms to stop me from blabbering. I miss your spoon feeding even when my mouth still full and how those people watching in awe told as how a great couple we are and we’ll be laughing because we really are not. I miss the way you help me in my home works and the way you insert love notes in my books. Every time you ignore and walk past behind me, I see the one who used to stop and kiss me; I see the one I’m with the whole night doing crazy things: sitting on the sidewalk while you’re doing lame magic tricks, slow dancing on a midnight on the road where my father greatly forbids and laughing hearts out doing the piggyback ride while the world was asleep.

But there are things I didn’t miss. I didn’t miss being second to all the things that matter to you. I didn’t miss how you ignore me when your crush sends you sudden endearments because she needs you to do something. I didn’t miss the way you told me you like me but you have someone already stored. I didn’t miss your stories on how you got your heart broken. I didn’t miss pretending I don’t notice you eyeing to other girls. I didn’t miss your convincing that we don’t need labels. I didn’t miss my asking for making us official. I didn’t miss how you sent me to friend zone countless times with reasons so hard to understand after building hopes in my heart. And I will be drinking the whole night while you were helplessly asking your crush out. I didn’t miss being a late night fling. And of all things I didn’t miss, I didn’t miss you.

Even though a part of me missed the things we do, I didn’t miss this unlabeled relationship, so toxic, the kind that made people jump off bridges. So yes, I missed us. God knows how much I missed us. But our love is not the kind of love I wanted.