Schizophrenia

I was beginning to think I have some sort of psychosomatic disorder. I spent the whole morning buried under blankets yesterday, drifting in and out of consciousness, finally to get up at 11 to test how long I could sit up and I realised that I seemed fine. A little weak (but I was wondering if I imagined that – you see where the psychosomatic is coming in) but able to edit two stories. Frankly, I think I get more work done at home because I want to just do it and get on to other stuff like TV unlike at work when I waste time trawling blogs, making mindless chatter with Curlie, doing personality quizzes etc.

I decide to go into work after lunch once the two pieces of toast I am now eating for every meal get digested – hopefully. Two peices of toast go down ok – not sure if I am uneasy or imagining it but take a cab to work anyway. (As I was on my way out, mum calls and start talking to her about inability to find job. Tummy starts to hurt and I feel throw upy. I’m wondering now if I have an ulcer or stress induced trauma).

At work I am fine. I feel silly about not coming in in the morning. I work hard until 7.30 pm – when I discover my boss is leaving for two weeks, I am expected to hold the fort (which I now am uninterested in though I have to be interested in in the interest of my paycheck) and I cannot ask for a raise till he gets back. Gahhh.

I have decided my illness is induced by tablets recommended by doc. At night I take tablets post dinner and absolutely nothing happens. I don’t feel sleepy, ill or anything. I am fine. Whatever – yayy.

Morning I get up. Feel uneasy – I have begun to believe my illness is just not wanting to go to work. Ignore ill feeling and start dressing up. Heart starts pounding and I feel nausea. Have to lie down for 20 minutes and cab it to work. At work I am ok – until I try to eat lunch. Have identified fried rice as sufficiently bland thing for second day of illness. Take one bite and decide I cannot eat any more.

I am reduced to eating sponge cake from Maxims because that is the only thing that does not make me pukey.

‘Great minds’ moment of the day:E and I realise that the first thing we thought of when we were asked to sign the farewell card of a colleague was that we saw the girl laughing with boss yesterday and that “it is possible to leave without tantrum from boss”.The second thing was “omh CLSA hired her. how did she get so lucky”.

Telling conversation of the day:Me (holding aloft desk plant of friend): I have to water J’s plant when she’s away.(I touch soil as instructed to see if it’s still wet)…Eww I see germs. (hastily put plant away).E: Hahahaha I just had a vision of what you’re going to be like with your child!(This is in context of everyone in office being convinced I am pregnant because I was ‘sick’ in the ‘morning’ as boss wisely put it).

‘Irony of life’ moment of the day:Pregnancy test instructions state that the test might not work and in that case, get another test. This is kind of bizarre given that this is one situation where you really do want absolute reliability. Also you can’t return them once you’ve weed on them but if they’re already admitting that the test could be faulty shouldn’t there be some compensation for failed tests? Also, once you get the new test, you’re not sure if it’s right or wrongs so what are you supposed to do then? Get another one and do best of three?

Insight of the day:I only enjoy doing things I am good at. I am so lazy that if anything requires any effort, I don’t want to do it. Because I am good at a sufficient number of things for me not to want to bother with those I’m good good at.Case in point (maybe) being math. I was not immediately good at math so I dislike it. Though I still think that’s because I didn’t have a good enough foundation because if you look at my grades one would think I’m pretty good.But business journalism: I don’t like it because I’m not immediately good at it. Or maybe because being good at it involves numbers. Which I am not good at/inherently dislike.Golf: I liked it once it was clear I was good at it.Cooking: Dislike because I’m not good at it. Though my dal was fabulous… HmmmClearly my insight is not as insightful as I thought.

Sad realisation of the day:My mind has been so numbed by job that even the stories about art/lifestyle that I would normally like to edit do not excite me any more.Sometimes I force myself to google random artists and look at their paintings just to feel alive.