just a little slice of my life

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I mentioned, in passing, to an acquaintance that I would love to write a book. It’s been a dream for many, many, many years. She said, “Why don’t you?”

I was thinking of my inability to find the time and the energy and the focus to write. For awhile, I was blogging regularly which I figured was helping to hone my writing skills. I’ve stopped writing as much because life is quite busy.

Will I ever find that time? I know I have ideas floating around inside my brain, stories waiting to be told. I have the desire.

I don’t know that I have enough motivation though, not right at this moment. Perhaps it will arrive and push me into that mode that I believe is buried within me somewhere.

If you look at the numbers, our nation was pretty much split down the middle as to how we voted. Those of you spewing out hateful blanket statements about ignorant racist people… do you realize you are calling your friends, your family, your former teachers, your former business associates, your neighbors, your current teachers, your current business associates, etc those hateful names?

Do you realize that there are most likely just as many uneducated people on both sides of the political spectrum?

Does someone disagreeing with you politically mean they are stupid?

Many people were not happy with Donald Trump as their republican choice. However, they made the educated decision to vote for him because he stood more for what they value than the opponent.

Does wanting less government and lower taxes make you uneducated? I’ll be honest, I never paid any attention to that when I was uneducated… It was once I because educated that I started reading about where my money was being wasted. It was when I started earning a nice paycheck that I noticed how much went to someone other than me. Does that mean I’m uneducated?

Does someone who can’t support a candidate who supports abortion because a) they love children and b) they’ve seen horrific, graphic videos of 2nd trimester abortions mean they are racist and uneducated?

Do I think Donald Trump is the best role model for my kids? No, but no one is perfect. If everything I have ever said or done was made public, I wouldn’t be considered the best role model for my kids either. I guarantee that there have been other presidents who have said just as terrible of things… they were just lucky enough to NOT be recorded saying. I’ve told my kids in the past that they may work for someone who is a jerk, they may have a teacher who is a jerk…. But they still have to learn to work with those sorts of people because that’s life.

I’m posting this here right now to save it… I’m not done with my thoughts….

This isn’t meant to be a political post, well, maybe sort of, but hopefully a bipartisan one…

It’s just an observation really. I’ve seen people who are saying they never dreamed there would be a woman president in the US in their lifetime or that they never dared to dream that they could be themselves.

I just find that odd because, personally, I never felt EVER like I couldn’t become the president of the United States. If I had wanted to do so, I would have tried! (oh but the skeletons the other side would have dug up!!!) I’m 46 years old. In my lifetime, I’ve seen many women in leadership positions, including governments, large corporations, universities, small companies, etc. I grew up in a small, rural, Kansas town where some would argue people were backward, behind the times, etc. But I always felt the power to go for my dreams… I always felt the power to be what I wanted, who I wanted. Never for one minute did I think that being a woman was a hindrance. Not one single teacher, male or female, ever made me doubt that I could do what I set my mind to doing….

I don’t know. It just struck me a time or two that I never encountered anything like that.

Now.. perhaps someone my mom’s age is a different story. They grew up in a different time. But women of my age and younger? I think we’ve always had the chance to achieve such dreams and more.

I’m really not trying to stir the pot…. those who know me know I’m not a fan of stirring the pot…. I just was surprised to read such statements in the last couple of weeks. And I felt like sharing my own personal thoughts on it…..

I was thinking today about my drinking problem. I don’t actually have a drinking problem (no, this is not DENIAL). What I have is a willpower problem. (I also have a laziness problem, but that is a whole other post)

I enjoy an adult beverage. I also enjoy coffee. I love tacos or anything other mexican food. Pasta, chocolate, and Jelly bellies are a few of my other weaknesses.

And that’s what these things are for me: weakness. Indulgence.

And I have a willpower problem.

In the summertime, moreso than in the spring, I crave a glass of wine in the evenings. There’s something about the hot summer weather that makes white wine (especially bubbly white wine) sound so appealing. Come fall, I’ll be too busy with kids’ activities to even think about having a glass or two (or three) of wine every evening.

Then the holidays will hit and I’ll start craving again. That usually lasts through Christmas or New Years depending upon the year.

Then, once again, kids’ activities will reign supreme and I won’t have time to indulge in adult beverages.

I always manage to find time to indulge in tacos, chocolate, pasta, and coffee.

But I was really contemplating on my lack of willpower today. And I was thinking of those who are alcoholics. And I wonder when that fine line is crossed. I’m thinking I was probably pretty close after my son died. I was definitely using alcohol to escape during that time. I was definitely getting close to a point of NEEDING the alcohol every night. I was close. I know I was close to that line.

Thankfully, I stepped away from the line. I think how easily I could have crossed that line into a different messed up world. Now I simply live the life of a busy mom who often gives into her cravings, be they tacos or wine, when she has time for them….

I would love to have more willpower. I’m not gonna lie to you. Perhaps I could shed these pesky pounds that seem to stick to me like super glue if I didn’t drink wine, eat chocolate, inhale tacos.

I’m praying for money…. It’s a weird thing to pray for really because it seems rather shallow. But here’s the thing. I don’t want to homeschool the kids anymore. I just don’t. Oh, I have those mixed feelings because I still love having them home with me. But I want to have them home with me. I no longer want to be their teacher.

But we live in a crappy, crappy school district. I have friends with their kids in this district and NOPE. Especially not my older son who would be entering high school. Nope.

So I need money so that we can send them to Catholic school which is what most of my friends who live here do. It’s either that or homeschool. Those are the options. I have one friend who just assured me that we would qualify for some financial aid. Sure, we would probably qualify for SOME financial aid. But we live paycheck to paycheck already. I struggle every year to buy the kids their homeschool co-op books. I struggle to put them into some basic activities, nothing overly expensive.

We need money.

I hoped to work some this summer, but it did not work out. Even so, it wouldn’t be enough to commit to sending to private school.

I truly regret that I did NOT take a job that I was offered awhile back. At that time, I hesitated to put the kids in school because most of them were totally against it. Two of them cried at the mere discussion of it. So I went with my heart which was ultimately linked to their hearts. Because the thing is, my heart KNOWS that my teaching is just not what it should be. (hence the co-op)…. But I have to teach there too. I choose somewhat easy things to teach. i prefer the littler kids. But the thing is, I DON’T WANT TO TEACH!!!! (unless it is yoga, I would love to teach yoga)

So I’m stuck. I’m stuck homeschooling because I don’t think God is going to suddenly throw enough money at me to stick the kids in school. I’m going to trudge along quite unhappily because I know I’m not doing what I should be doing.

So Heavenly Father, if you are listening, I could really use some sort of miracle here.

Summer came and with it came a big ol’ desire to eat and drink and be merry. I’ve found myself having wine nearly every night this summer. And there has been food, too much food.

Have I even once considered the extra calories?

Oh, I guess I’ve considered them, but that has not stopped me.

The scales have not been my friend this summer. The sad thing is that at the very beginning of summer, I weighed the least I have for quite some time. I was doing well on my weight loss journey. I still had plenty to lose, but I was feeling good about myself.

Now… not so much on the feeling good thing.

I’ve gained weight back. I’m sleeping terribly. blah.

I haven’t even tried to eat right, not at all for a solid two months. Sadly, I can gain a lot of weight in two months.

The only upside is that I am still exercising nearly every day. Unless life is too busy, I take at most one day off a week from doing some sort of exercise. Imagine how much weight I would be gaining without the exercise? I’m already gaining with the exercise. So it could be so much worse.

So I need to get my mindset changed. It really is all about the mindset, isn’t it? And I need to change the way I am eating. And mostly, I need to stop with the nightly wine. That’s my downfall.

I’m reading such a fabulous book. As an aspiring writer, I am jealous as hell when I read it though. And as someone trying unsuccessfully to diet, it’s probably not the best timing to read it. But I’m reading it. And I’m enjoying it. Oh and it’s my current pool book. My pool books are the hard copies I read that I don’t mind getting wet. Here’s the thing though. I’m loving this book & I may need to buy a digital copy too.

The book is essentially a travel journal of sorts for the author as she spends one dedicated year to traveling to three destinations (Italy, India, and Indonesia) each for four months. She’s getting over a bad divorce and depression before the start of this year of self-discovery and healing.

Oh man, it is fabulous. Well, so far, I’ve read through her stay in Italy. In fact, as I closed the pages yesterday, she had just arrived in India. Italy, of course, spoke to me. I’m sure it speaks to everyone the pleasure she gets from the world’s most wonderful food. But I have always had a special affinity for Italy. i’ve even had people ask if I have some italian in me. I always respond that I have it in spirit, if not blood. I’ve been drinking wine every night thanks to this book. (Ok, it’s summer and honestly, I tend to drink too much in the summer. So I can’t really blame the book)

I’m excited to read the India section because she does a lot of yoga and meditating. i love yoga and hope to be an instructor one day. So I’m quite interested in this part of the book.

This book has motivated me to make a real effort at writing again. There was a time I was writing every day, several times a day. I’ve fallen out of that habit a bit. So here I am making an effort again.

As we sat in church today, my five year old daughter grew restless as most five year olds tend to do. We were nearing the end of Mass when she asked, “How long until church is over?” My response was, “Five minutes.” She sighed and said, “300 seconds is SOOOO long!”

She didn’t even have to stop to think. She just knew immediately that five minutes equals 300 seconds.

And I had to kiss her and praise her for being smart. “You are so Smart!” I said and kissed her on the head.

There are some schools of thought that we shouldn’t tell our daughters that they are pretty or beautiful because they will place too much value on their looks. I disagree. I often tell my children they are beautiful because, well, they are. And I think in a mother’s eyes, all of our children are such.

Of course, if that is the only thing a home seems to value, then sure, that’s a bad thing. But I praise my children for their intelligence, kindness, helpfulness, and more. Their beauty is a small thing in the whole scheme of things in our home.

Now back to my five year old….

she is so smart. I truly see a giftedness in her that I haven’t seen in the others. She’s quite a character with her hot temper and her strong-will and her attachment to her brother Logan. I’m curious to see how it will all play out as she grows up.

We’ve been living the whole “Soccer Saturday” thing for quite a few years. We started soccer when my oldest was 5. He would be 16 if he were still alive today.

There was a brief time before Nolan’s death where we had 4 kiddos playing, this was before my youngest was old enough to play. Oh how I wish Nolan were alive to see her play now!

About 2 years ago, I believe, my now-12-year old daughter quit playing soccer. So I guess she played probably about 5 or 6 years which equals 10-12 seasons. She had quite a bit of enthusiasm when she was little, but it subsided as she grew older.

This season is the first that my youngest is playing. And lo and behold, I’m coaching her. It’s a pretty fun experience, but she got placed on a team with all REALLY young preschoolers. She’s 5, but just turned 5, thus she’s still pre-k age. Her team is made of a couple 3 year olds and a couple 4 year olds and her. Now, being young doesn’t mean you don’t know how to play soccer. That’s what we are here for at this age is to give kids that early and fun experience. But… I must say, I wasn’t expecting to have kids quite so young. When mine started playing with this same league, you had to be 4 to play. So imagine my surprise when I met the 3 year olds on my team.

Also, I didn’t realize that coaching would involve having kids who don’t know how to do something like, “Move over here.” And boy, do those kids get thirsty!

It’s been fun though. I plan to continue coaching next season and hopefully thereafter.