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About Me

Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog.
My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades!
I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can.
So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Me and My Body Fell Out!

I fell out with my body this month - if I could disown it, I would!! But alas, it is attached to me - well actually, I can live without it!!!

So last week, I had a couple of days where I felt incredibly nauseous - not like a normal "I've eaten too much", or "I've eaten something dodgy". There were a couple of days when I was at work and suddenly felt hot and couldn't stomach eating anything except some dry toast. In fact when one of my colleagues asked me if I fancied any chicken for lunch, my stomach lurched... I mean literally lurched! And in Church on the Sunday I thought I was going to have to walk out of the service and make my way calmly to the ladies!

So with this, my mind started to think "this might be the month"!!! I mean, it's a natural thought isn't it??? As nausea is one of the early symptoms.

But it was just my body playing cruel tricks on me. As I write, I am dosed up on "Feminax" and cuddle a hotty wotty botty to my abdomen! Cruel cruel body!I've heard of women having phantom pregnancies, but never thought I would be one of those women. OK, so I didn't have a lot of symptoms, just felt a bit nauseous at the time of when I could have conceived. But there are occasions when a woman will have lots of "pregnancy" symptoms without being pregnant - even to the point of the stomach growing just as it does when she is really pregnant. It must be really hard to be in that position. Not only does a woman have the excitement of a pregnancy crushed in one moment when she realises it was false, but she has the frustration of another failed month (or more, in some cases the woman can be falsely pregnant for a while, even confusing doctors treating her) in her conception journey.

When we trust our conception journey to the Lord, we know that it will happen in His time. And if it doesn't, even when we don't know why, God does. I thank Him that I have not had one of those false pregnancies. I thank Him also, that I have not, in the 1 year and 1 month conceived, only to have lost Bubba. I pray I never will - even though my mum and sister in law did, I'm not sure if miscarriage or "babies born sleeping" is a genetic issue, whether what the women in my family before me has endured will affect my own experience. But I commit this to the Lord.

Psychologically, when we want something enough, our bodies can convince us it is happening to us, or to everyone around us. For example, when I wanted a new car, I kept seeing EVERYWHERE the car I wanted; when I was single, it seemed like EVERYONE ELSE was married! And now, as Hubby and I are on this journey, it seems as though even my own body is prepared to deceive me into believing a) EVERY WOMAN around me is pregnant, or b) that I have become pregnant when I am not.
It is times like this when I need to trust God even more than normal. It is times like this, when my own body has betrayed me in this way that I have to turn to God, cry out to Him and ask Him to help me this month. I have to entrust my body and my future into His hands, knowing and trusting that His plans for me are good, that He plans to prosper me and Hubby - and part of us prospering, will be to have a family. I have to trust Him, and the desires of my heart to Him. And I do! I hope you can too.

The Journey

In August 2011, a year after my ex and I were married, we decided we were ready to try for a family. But in 2015, the journey was suddenly ended, and in 2016 we divorced.

Some of you reading this may think, "why keep such a personal blog online?" As I am a writer, I found it easier to write how I felt, and over the years was encouraged to know God used my struggle to offer support to others who read my posts.

For a subject which is often still taboo among Christians, because of the huge challenge to our faith, and our idea of who God is, I have decided to keep this blog online, knowing that my fears, my thoughts, my frustrations still remain today, even though I find myself single again.

The purpose of this blog originally was as an outlet to formulate into words my inner thoughts. It has since become a tool God uses for people like you walking through the loneliness of infertility.

May you find hope and encouragement, even if it's just in knowing you're not alone.