Congratulations, You Have Found the Hidden Contest!

This is the hidden contest. Congratulations on finding it. To be eligible to win, complete the following and mail items with a SASE to the sponsor. One winner will be drawn from all entrants who correctly provide the items requested. To enter, please submit your full legal name, address, telephone number, and email address written on a 3 × 5 index card placed into a 4 × 6 envelope placed into an 8 × 11 padded envelope placed into an original LP album cover of Lionel Richie’s 1986 masterpiece “Dancing on the Ceiling.” Please include biometric data such as your waist circumference (if applicable), height in hands, length of hands (in barleycorn units, rounded to the nearest barleycorn), and Erdős number. Also enclose the following: Genus-edition Trivial Pursuit card bearing the question “Who was the official hair consultant to the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics?” with bite mark taken out of it; an original Polaroid photo of child sitting on Santa’s lap with proof that both the child and Santa later grew up to be atheists; documentation of good faith effort to convince the world using social media that NBA star Blake Griffin is the nephew of comedienne Kathy Griffin; an argument that parsimoniously proves the statement “Every simply connected, closed 3-manifold is homeomorphic to the 3-sphere,”; video evidence that you have resigned from the Today Show (include a pointed sidelong glance at Matt Lauer); the largest tiny house from the tiny house movement that you can cram into an envelope; a printed copy of an indignant response placed in comments section of a CNN.com story about a father who dressed his baby up in a heavy metal wig for fun (must use phrase “You should be ashamed of yourself”); photo of tech leader at some Disruption conference with hands gesticulating wildly for emphasis in manner of all photos documenting these events; one amazing muffin recipe; one life hack; a page torn from a Japanese phone book that includes at least one sexually-suggestive name (bonus points for “Nipps Akimbo”); four Higgs Particles clearly labeled; a selfie with nachos; a still life with nachos; an art film of man in black leotard being pummeled with nachos; $49.99 resort fee; 1963 Marcel DuChamp commemorative postage stamp, which is not a stamp but a baby turtle sporting an adorable felt coat; a ticket stub from 1981 Sha Na Na concert signed by Bowzer; a menu from a restaurant that allows you to sub c elegans for fries; the answer to the question “What is the nature of strong gold-chalcogens in thiols and other organochalgogens” stated in the form of a gangster rap parody; a Photoshopped image of Janet Yellen crammed into bikini made out of used K-cups; Playbill program of any musical that has Bernadette Peters in the starring role and Andy Dick as her understudy; a portrait of Helmut Kohl mistakenly labeled “Coalbutt Hole”; the solution to part IV of the CIA Kryptos cypher with the portion XWXZKRYPTOSABCDEFGHIJLMNQUVWXZK interpreted in semaphore; and a paper clip. Winner will be selected from all complete entries and will receive a copy of Fiona Apple’s critically-acclaimed album, When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He’ll Win the Whole Thing ‘fore He Enters the Ring There’s No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might so When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right.