Everybody is getting ready for the blessings and the ordination of the new bishop, Fr Alan Williams. For many maybe even me, it will be a once in a lifetime event to witness. A fun ‘in preparation’ photo has been put up on the Cathedral website every single day for 10 days. The count down is on.

Everywhere has been cleaned, refreshed, sparkled and swept to welcome our new humble king-prince of peace. The musicians have been practising their glorious hymns. The invitations have been sent out, and every single preparation and posting in newsletter, radio and social media have been building up to the expectant wonder which is full of the same wonder as Christmas Eve for a child.

Tonight is the blessing of the episcopal ring. The blurb reads ‘a special Vespers and Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament to pray for Fr Alan Williams and the Diocese of Brentwood. Bishop-elect Alan will be present and make his oath of fidelity. The episcopal insignia will be blessed. All welcome.’

This is Fr Alans first formal public appearance at the Cathedral.

‘All welcome’ is what every single posting on the Cathedral Website has said in invitation, for the last so long. All.

All but me.

I am sitting here Again, and Again, and Again, and Again, feeling an excruciating pain that you couldn’t even begin to believe. A pain which wont stop revealing itself in tears that I don’t even know where they are coming from anymore. Everything is hurting. Other people might shake the dust from their sandals and not care a monkeys.

I am not other people. I care. And whilst everyone else is in absolute celebration and rejoicing together – my heart is bleeding salt down the back of my throat.