Friday, January 28, 2005

This Post Brought To You By The Letter P...
And The Color Yellow...
And The Number 1

Today was my BIG DAY to go take care of my traffic tickets. That meant it was to be a really busy day. Not a good day for intestinal issues.

My cup of coffee while reading e-mail was interupted by an urgent trip to the bathroom. Ugh. I figured it would pass, maybe just something from yesterday didn't agree with me. After driving K to work, dropping Super Girl at school (which by the way for some reason her getting out of the car and walking off to school by her self makes me all teary eyed every single time! She's growing up so fast!) I hurried home as I had another urgent call to the bathroom to attend to. I layed down on the couch about 10 am with Cabbage Patch and fell asleep. K called at 11 am to find out when I was leaving to meet him for lunch... I assured him we were leaving right then - and hurridly woke Cabbage Patch (who didn't appreciate that one single bit) and we left. K cashed his check and we had lunch at McDonalds.

My stomach started feeling bad part way through my chocolate shake and chicken strips but I figured I could hold out until we got home as I dispise using public toilets. No really I do. I have been known to hold out from going pee at work all day just to avoid the public restroom. I absolutly refuse to use the toilet on the bus and will hold it for the entire 5 hour trip - I think I would almost rather my bladder burst than use the questionable facilities on the bus. I've held it for hundreds of miles because a gas station bathroom was too dirty/scary/smelly/creepy. This is a great ability especially back when I used to do a lot of drinking, I could drink all night and be the only girl who hadn't gone to the bathroom 15 times. But I digress. I wasn't so lucky today in my neverending quest to avoid public restrooms. Right before we left McDonalds I KNEW I HAD to go right then. I enter the bathroom and some grandma is getting her two grandkids to wash their hands. I head to the first stall I see and right before I can touch the door Grandma says "Excuse me! Our stuff is still in there." I continue walking and she repeats her self, I realize she's talking to me and stop. Not a good thing when someone is singlemindedly heading for a toilet while desperately clenching one's butt cheeks. Big sigh as I change directions quickly. While I think to myself "What the fuck? Why did she leave her stuff in the stall to wash hands? This isn't her private bathroom. What a rude woman!" Leaving the stall I have to ask the kids to MOVE out of the way so I could wash my hands as they are now taking up the floor space while putting on their coats in the narrow rest room, I turn to dry my hands and AGAIN have to get these people out of my way (another person had entered while I was washing and now she was waiting for them to get out of the way so she could get to the stall!). I left the bathroom and the restaraunt before grandma and her grandkids and was thorougly irritated that grandma didn't have the common sense or common courtesy to not occupy the entire bathroom. Dumbass.

After lunch, I headed to my bank to depost money (can't have my check for my ticket bouncing - not only would I get charged a fee for that but they would issue a warrant for the ticket - says so right on the ticket) then headed to the lovely city of Plano to keep that warrant from being issued. Unlike the last time I was at the court house, today there was a nice long line to stand in. *sigh* Me with a restless 3 year old standing in a long line. Lovely. When we were just 2 people from the window I suddenly had that URGE. I start mentally willing people to go faster and was barely able to pay attention to the man ahead who came in to take care of his ticket but waited way to long and was now being told to step to the back of the room, don't leave the building and an officer would process him. Oops. I finally got my chance and got done, seemed like it took forever, but that was probably just because I was trying to keep my 3 year old still while writing a check, getting my identification, listening to the instructions on the payments to make and still NEEDING to get to the bathroom. Luckily the restrooms are right next to the exit so no desperate search had to be made.

By the time we got back home it was 3 pm. Thirty minutes until time to get Super Girl from the bus. Time enough to make a couple of phone calls. One call was to my super sexy boyfriend XXX. One day maybe I'll put the contents of that conversation on here as it was amusing to discuss our mutual dislike of using public facilities. In the conversation I told how just a couple of days ago I had woken Cabbage Patch so we could get Super Girl from the bus. Now Cabbage Patch HATES to be woken from her slumber. She wakes like an angry badger, infact we call her The Badger when she's like that. That particular day I woke her just 10 minutes before going to get Super Girl (I always hope she'll wake on her own an I'll be able to avoid The Badger). She bitched and moaned all the way to the bus stop and was actively and energeticly whining and crying when I look down and realize that she was so angry about being woken that she didn't realize she needed to pee before we left and that she had wet her pants. That just made her more upset. Then yesterday she woke moments before time to leave in a decent mood. When we get to the bus stop she looks at me desperately and says "Mamma! I need to potty!" There's no time to go back home so I ask her "If we go behind the bushes, can you pull down your pants and panties and go pee?" She says yes and I head her over to a small cluster of bushes. Her first public peeing. I'm happy she didn't wet her pants. Super Girl's first public peeing was nearly traumatic for both her and I and she somehow managed to pee on her panties, so this was much smoother. Today we go and as soon as we get to the bus stop, Cabbage Patch heads to the bushes saying she has to go potty. I suddenly realize that she thought peeing in the bushes was cool and wants to do it again! I tell her that she's going to have to hold it as the bus is almost there. I've turned my child into a public pee'er!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Will You Touch My Monkey?

L was lucky enough to have someone teach her how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in Romanian, unfortunately she can't remember how to say it now. Damn. I want to know how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in as many languages as possible, I now want to say "Will you touch my monkey?" to everyone I meet. I want a shirt that says it! Hell I may even change one of my children's name to "Will you touch my monkey?" I've got monkey fever. I am the creator of the fabulous Angry Albino Sock Monkey, I believe THIS phrase ("Will you touch my monkey?") is to be MY phrase! Ahahahahahahaha!!! WILL YOU TOUCH MY MONKEY????? *

*I'm still under the influence of many OTC medications, sometimes mixing them makes for interesting results. Will you touch my monkey?

My neighbor across from me is a hottie. He runs and on occasion I get lucky enough to be walking back to my place when he's on the trail, we wave and nod as he passes and my eyes follow his tight little ass until he's out of sight. Yesterday morning as I returned from the bus duties I saw Hottie Neighbor outside and said "Hi, how are you?" He said "Doing good, just getting ready to pick up dog poop." Ahhhh... ummm... okay, thanks for that one. He's no longer Hottie Neighbor in my mind, he's now Dog Shit Picker Upper... and for some reason, that just doesn't appeal to me anymore.