L:There's a chance [Tracy] may call tomorrow because it's his lizard's birthday.J:Has it really been a year since we were all at the Waldorf eating that cake made out of lizard meal?L:Yup. Jeremy's almost 11.

Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show?

K:The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing.T:Clear.K:Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break.T:I'll need a whale saddle.K:And Steven Spielberg wants you to star is his next movie.T:Kate Capshaw's husband?!

L:You have two choices here. You can stay in your room like a child, or you can get out there and do your job.[Tracy stands up]L:Thank you.T:Oh, I'm sorry, that was misleading. I'm not going to rehearse. I'm going to get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.

P:While our children are basically snot silos with BB guns, they do come in handy, as a buffer.K:Is that like being a fluffer? Because I have done that and did not enjoy it. Blow-drying animals at a pet salon is hard work.P:No, a buffer is a protective barrier.K:Like pigs have around their delicious testicle meat.

J:Well, if you're around, come by for dinner. Colleen will be up from Florida, and she'd love to see you.L:Because my youthgful energy makes her feel young?J:No, because she views you as a peer she can complain with about how no one wears pantyhose any longer.L:How are we supposed to conceal our spider veins?

I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men's club, and you take that problem and crush it with your mind vice. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.

Sometimes a place is so special to you, it feels like it couldn't possibly continue after you're gone. After I left Kentucky Mountain Bible College, it still kept going. Until it got shut down. Because of the wolves.

T:J Train, as you may know, I was in a film called Hard to Watch, and the "pundits" think I have a "chance" at an "Oscar," and I just learned about "air quotes."J:Yes, I talked about your movie with my therapist last week for twenty hours.

I've got the next big reality show. We put a bunch of people on a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals that the pilot is a six-year-old boy. We call it Child Hellfight.

I hate to bail, but I've been asked to do a commercial for the Boys and Girls Club of America, and I just can't turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard.

L:I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party dance all night.J:Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?

J:1:32 p.m. Mark the time, ladies and gentlemen, that Congress put a bullet in the head of the American farmer.R:The acclaimed director of When Harry Met Sally would never do that!J:As always, it's been a pleasure.

We are an immigrant nation. The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things; the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas. The third generation snowboards and takes improv classes.

My son. You may not remember me. I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghys originally come from Ireland's little-known County Steve, where historically we were whiskey testers in goblins. I was raised in Sadchester, Massachusetts. I won the Avery Blaine Handsomeness scholarship to Princeton, and then attended Harvard Business School, where I was voted Most. I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person ever to say "I need a vacation from this vacation." The song "You're So Vain" was in fact written...by me.

I'm sorry, sir, I was just sweeping your terrace and you came in and I was trapped. Just like the time I was cleaning my closet and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on the bed.

First, [Kenneth], I need you to go to the dry cleaners for me and find out how martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it.

T:Why don't you come back home to TGS and pick the peas out of my fried rice? And the rice. I just want carrots.K:I can't do that, sir.T:But don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?

T:Parties are like Frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry.L:What?T:Don't throw a party for vengeance. It will turn on you...like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

I don't know, but I have the entire liberal-media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my dad a kidney.

I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome-to-the-building party for him, but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say, 'Oh it's the wrong night.' And then he'll laugh and say, 'One glass couldn't hurt,' and then I will put my mouth on his mouth.

K:Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called, they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.L:I sure am.K:And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.L:That's his opinion.

We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Barry at the Oscars. White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, and heart disease.

Is this the way my life is supposed to play out? The kid who walked four miles every Saturday to caddy because mother said golf was a game for businessmen? Paid his way through Princeton by working the day shift at the graveyard and the night shift at that Days Inn?

J:The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.L:I'm so sorry.J:I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...

J:All of my summer replacement shows were big hits: America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog, MILF Island...L:MILF Island?J:Twenty-five super-hot moms, 50 eighth-grade boys, no rules.L:Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?J:That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait...what was the question?

J:Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.P:Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

J:Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.P:Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.J:Yeah, I know!

L:That's it. I gotta talk to [Cerie] about her clothes, she can't dress like that.P:Well, yes, she can! People like the way she dresses!L:Oh, c'mon. It's distracting. It's inappropriate.P:You're inappropriate, you jerk, with your big stupid face.

L:Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?K:Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.