A -- Alfheim: It's the place where the elves live. There's lots of elves there with bows, and they have long blonde hair and pointy years. The wear archer clothes and stuff.

B -- Balder: The God of Light (is he the God of Light? Maybe he's just goodness. No, he's the God of Light too). He was always happy. He was never mad. He just smiled the whole time. I can't remember a time when he was mad. He died because Frigg asked everything not to hurt him except mistletoe, then Loki, disguised as an old woman found out it was unsafe, then made an arrow out of mistletoe, gave it to Balder's blind brother, then Loki helped Hod shoot Balder, and Balder died.

C -- Chess and Chessmen: Almost everybody plays chess, the gods that is, and I didn't know that chess was made back then. The gods probably invented it, the god of gold that is because they were golden chessmen. Or maybe it was the Gnomes. They seem more like the building type.

D -- Draupnir: I think it would be cool to have a bracelet like Draupnir. It was cool that Odin put it with Balder in his funeral pyre.

E -- Embla: Embla is one of the first humans created by the Gods. She was the first woman.

F -- Fenris: He's Loki's son who is the big wolf who grows too big to control. He's not scared of anything, so he's fearless, and he's very big, and he can open his mouth so wide his bottom jaw can touch the Earth (Midgard), and he bites off Tyr's hand. Plus, he's stuck at the bottom of Yggdrassil.

G -- Garm: He's the dog who guards the gate to Hel.

H -- Hel: She's Loki's daughter who rules Hel, which is named after her.

I -- Ida: The green field of Asgard with a whole bunch of buildings that I expect are huge, and it is very busy.

J -- Jotuns: The Jotuns live in a very, very cold world on the tree. Instead of their beards being soft and furry, they're cold and hard like icicles. The Aesir and them don't agree with each other. Thor challenges every Jotun he sees, and kills it and stuff, declares war on it, I'd say.

K -- Kvasir: Wasn't that the drink that made people smart? Odin was wise after drinking it or something.

L -- Lidskjalf: That's the seat where Odin sits and he can see everything.

N -- Nanna: She is the wife of Balder. She is pretty nice, and she is my favourite of all the ladies in Asgard.

O -- Odin: He is the All Father and the ruler of Asgard. He has a very, very, very fast horse with eight legs named Sleipnir. He only has one functional eye, and he pulls his hair down over his missing eye. In the Norse myths, he's my (Miloš') favourite.

R -- Rungnir: He was a pretty big Jotun, really tall, and he had the second fastest horse on the entire World Tree. He's pretty cool, and fairly strong, and Thor beat him in a duel, but his head isn't fairly strong becaues Thor smashed it, right?

S -- Sif: She is beautiful, and she has the best hair. If she was a Charlie's Angels she'd be Jill. Her hair was blonde but it became gold.

T -- Tyr: He is very brave, and he is pretty strong too. Fenris ate his hand, so he has only one hand. He is also pretty nice. He is one of Odin's sons.

U -- Utgardsloki: He was super smart. It was awesome how he made all the tricks, the illusions, to trick Thor. I thought Thor would win. I loved the fact that Thor didn't win and that Utgardsloki won.

V -- Vanir: The battle between them and the Aesir was pretty interesting. They were pretty cool, and some of them joined the Aesir.

W -- War: The Norse Gods fought too much, definitely. They were really violent. Whenever somebody died nobody even cried, except for Balder, or then their wives die too. It's weird the way they were with death and war.

Y -- Yggdrassil: It's a cool tree. I like how it is holding all the Nine Realms in place and stuff. It is there to keep everything in place. I like that Yggdrassil is so important, and trees are because they give us air and stuff, but this tree is more important because it is holding our worlds together in one space so Midgard, Asgard, Jotunheim and all the rest would probably spin off into space without the tree.

Æ -- Aesir: Whenever they said something they promised, they had to do what they promised, so instead of being fierce they did what they said they would, but when they failed to do what they said they would something bad happened, and eventually it caused Ragnarokk.

*I just finished reading this to my twins last night. We start the Greek Myths tonight. ...more

I imagine this was a charming book when it was released in the late fifties. I suppose I can see the appeal. It's a simple book for kids who are learnI imagine this was a charming book when it was released in the late fifties. I suppose I can see the appeal. It's a simple book for kids who are learning to read. It has a goofy looking dinosaur. It has a polite little kid. And they have fun little adventures in some nondescript American city.

But it's not the fifties anymore, and I am a jaded bastard who likes his kids books on the salty (or maybe just interesting) side. So the sweet dino and the sweet boy are like the syrupy skein of goo at the back of the tongue after 5 cans of warm, flat Dr. Pepper. Every once in a while I get a craving for Dr. Pepper despite that coating, and the same thing happens with Danny and the Dinosaur. I gorge myself, hate the after taste, then wait a year or two for the craving to return.

Lately, though, my little Scoutie's developing a taste for Danny and the Dinosaur, so the book is overstaying its welcome, and the after taste is making me gag. I'm going to try and redirect her into Harold and the Purple Crayon. Wish me luck. ...more

Many of the kids books I've been revisiting are filled with specific, vivid memories of my childhood that are almost narratives unto themselves. ReadiMany of the kids books I've been revisiting are filled with specific, vivid memories of my childhood that are almost narratives unto themselves. Reading them transports me back to those (probably apocryphal) moments in my brain, leaving me full of a sort of joyful melancholy for things past and a hunger for more of those memories, a desire to relive all those locked up personal stories, so I grab another book I have always loved and devour it looking for more.

I found that this story, with its beautiful illustrations and its little bull turned big bull who just wants to live peacefully and smell his flowers, made me think about people I care about rather than remembering some synapsy tale of them.

It made me think of my mother, Chris. I always called her "Chris," which drove my father crazy because of how "disrespectful" it was. I thought of Chris and guessed that she probably read this book to me first. And I thought of how every book I touch and word I write is her gift to me, for teaching me too read, then teaching me to challenge myself with books that were "inappropriate," then sharing our reading when we were older.

It made me think of my cousin, Fred, who I called Ferdinand behind his back. I thought of his moustache and 80s hair. I thought of how we both had brutally abusive fathers, but have never talked about it, even now, so many years after escaping their fists.

It made me think of K.I. Hope, and how the anger of her writing -- that wonderful, necessary, emotional, ethical rage -- would cringe at the other bulls, Ferdinand's friends and family, showing off in the hopes of travelling to Madrid to be slaughtered in the bullfights. I thought of what a true friend she is and how unlikely it is to find a genuine friend on something like this social media platform, and how I have found so many.

It made me think of Brontë and Miloš and Scoutie, and how much they love The Story of Ferdinand, and how Miloš is always trying to mimic the light Spanish accent I use to read them the book aloud, and how Brontë loves the art, and how Scoutie babbles the story back to me with her incomprehensible toddler language, punctuated by a "Ferdie-and" or "cow."

And it made me think of Munroe Leaf. She and all the other authors I've had a relationship over my life. They have been my best friends. And each book that I love ... it's a gift written by them just for me. Thanks, Munroe. I love you too. ...more

I tried, D. I fully committed to the animals, man. I w5 stars for Eric Carle's art.1 star for Bill Martin Jr.'s words.= a grudging average of 3 stars.

I tried, D. I fully committed to the animals, man. I was like Robert deNiro shooting heroin for Raging Bull. I gained weight to play the purple walrus (how the hell am I going to lose it?). I painted myself with gentian violet, grew a handlebar mustache, jammed a couple of carrots under my lip and flopped around grunting.

I poured honey all over myself and rolled in flour to play the titular Polar Bear. I cracked out my old Don Johnson duds to be the flamingo. I slithered around on my belly with a fork duct taped to my tongue. I was freaking serious about doing it right. I wanted TO BE the animals.

But it didn't make a damn bit of difference. Where the first book's rhythm succeeds, the second book eschews rhythm and disrupts my reading. Every word is dissonant to me, and I just can't stand it, despite the beautiful art. Sorry, D. I wish I could come and watch you read it, though, because I bet you could convince me I am wrong. Any chance you'll post a reading on You Tube?...more

I read this waaaaaaay too much, but it is a pretty groovy book to read aloud to the kids. The colours and animals are groovy. The art is amazing paintI read this waaaaaaay too much, but it is a pretty groovy book to read aloud to the kids. The colours and animals are groovy. The art is amazing painted collage (I love collage, but that is the medium my beautiful artist wife works in, so I am biased), and the rhyme and rhythm really work. Give it a whirl for your girl and/or boy. They'll dig it, even if you get bored. ...more

I started reading this to Miloš & Brontë at the beginning of March, and somewhere around May they lost interest.

I don't think I can blame UrsulaI started reading this to Miloš & Brontë at the beginning of March, and somewhere around May they lost interest.

I don't think I can blame Ursula K. LeGuin, at least not entirely. I was a big part of the problem. I struggled with this installment of The Earthsea Cycle, and that must have translated into the way I read this aloud, making it and me tough to listen to (never have the kids fallen asleep so often while I was reading. I usually have to tear myself away).

My problem is tough to pinch. I wasn't a fan of Arren/Lebannen. He wasn't the usually insufferable "apprentice" that drives me up the wall. He was a Prince giving his loyalty to Ged because of his love for the Archmage (a love with definite homosexual overtones, which would usually be a big bonus for me). He was capable. He was steadfast. He was flawed. All things I appreciated. But I just couldn't and didn't like him. I found myself wanting him to go away. I've been struggling to answer why, but I think writing all this out has given me the answer. I didn't like him because he was a partner for Ged. I wanted Ged to be alone. I wanted solitary Ged. I wanted Ged searching Earthsea as Sparrowhawk on Lookfar without any interference or companionship. Sharing his journey with another from the outset took something away from Ged, and it muddied my relationship with The Farthest Shore.

I recognize that Arren's presence added many things, things that LeGuin wanted to add and needed to add, some wonderful things and some not so wonderful, but I wasn't expecting those things, and I failed LeGuin by being unable to embrace them.

Yet I was unable to embrace them. Even once Miloš & Brontë asked if we could stop reading, even after I stopped reading aloud and went on by myself (in Ged-like fashion), even after finding myself captivated by the final search for Cob, the death of Orm Embar and Ged's sacrifice, even after recognizing the importance of Arren/Lebannen, I couldn't cross the emotional distance to embrace this book.

I must read it again when I am in the proper place. Perhaps then I will be able to appreciate it fully. Sorry for failing you and your words, Ursula K. LeGuin. Your work deserves better....more

The Straw, The Coal and The Bean -- Death is the funniest joke of all...and tailors are always nice.

Briar Rose -- Disney can reduce anything -- even a story about slights and righteous indignation -- into a ninety minute indoctrination of the fantasy of good and evil.

The Dog and The Sparrow -- Vengeance is fine if you are the first person wronged, but if you wrong one, then are wronged in return you may not seek vengeance -- even if the vengeance wrought upon you is out of proportion for your crime. This is also known as the “carpet bomb Afghanistan” fable.

The Twelve Dancing Princesses -- Listen to whatever an old hag tells you because her ugliness must equal wisdom.

The Fisherman and His Wife -- Be happy with your station in life. Ambition above your station cannot make you happy. Marx would love this one.

The Willow-Wren and the Bear -- No matter the idiocy of a war and its cause, the defeated should pay reparations, regardless of how humiliating.

The Frog Prince -- Spoiled, nasty, unlikable though one may be, if one is royalty and does what one’s father tells one, living happily ever after is one’s right, and one's inevitable destiny.

Cat and Mouse in Partnership -- The meek will inherit nothing. They will be devoured. No idealism here.

The Goose Girl -- The ideal wife should be meek and mild and of the right station. Also, beauty will out.

The Adventures of Chanticleer and Partlet -- “How They Went to the Mountains to Eat Nuts,” “How Chanticleer and Partlet Went to Visit Mr. Korbes,” & “How Partlet Died and was Buried, and How Chanticleer Died of Grief:” Everyone dies, so live for yourself while you can.

Rapunzel -- Vengeance thy name is woman, but if you’re a Prince everything works out in the end.

Fundevogel -- If you’re going to be boiled by a crazy cook...run. Unless you are a shape shifter...of course.

The Valiant Little Tailor --Make people believe you’re a bad ass and you’ll never have to prove it.

Hansel and Gretel -- If you kill a “godless witch” you will be rewarded beyond the dreams of avarice, and if you are a father who abandons your children at the behest of your second wife but feel bad about it, you too will be rewarded. And if you catch the mouse you can make a hat out of it.

The Mouse, The Bird and the Sausage -- Stick to your proper social roles or you will DIE!

Mother Holle -- If you are ugly you must be lazy. If you are ugly and lazy you will be punished. Your punishment will be having your skin covered in pitch that will never come off, so according to the Grimm Brothers ugly = lazy = black skinned. Yikes.

Little Red-Cap -- Listen to your mother because she is always right, and kill all the predatory wildlife you can because it will eat you otherwise. Oh, and if you are “devoured” by a wolf you can be cut out soon and revived.

The Old Man and His Grandson (possibly the best story in the tales; it’s certainly one of my favourites) -- Treat others as you’d like to be treated lest you be treated ill.

The Little Peasant -- Lie, cheat, steal and commit murder, even mass murder, and you will flourish, so long as you are preying on the idiocy of your neighbours.

Frederick and Catherine -- Dizzy blondes always prosper.

Sweetheart Roland -- If you love your man and remain faithful, he’ll always come back to you, no matter his own unfaithful transgressions.

Snowdrop (also known as Snow White and the Seven Dwarves) -- Creepy men will always come to the rescue of a too-young girl...if she is lovely enough.

The Pink -- Apparently pink has always been the colour of homosexuality (of course, it could just be that I was feeling particularly gay when I read that night).

Clever Elsie -- Divorce is as simple as a fowling net and bells tied around your moron spouse’s neck. At least if you are a Clever Hans.

The Miser in the Bush -- Someone always pays.

Ashputtel (aka Cinderella) -- The Brothers Grimm really made no sense at all, and they must have had a wicked step-mother of their own. These boys had issues.

The White Snake -- Be kind to lesser beasts and you will some day be rewarded, but you can still kill any domesticated beasts indiscriminately.

The Wolf and the Seven Little Kids -- Predators are evil and must die; prey are good and must live. Prey can also torture and kill predators whenever they want.

The Queen Bee -- Be nice to animals and they will make you richer than Daffy Duck in the Genie's lair.

The Elves and the Shoemaker -- Naked dwarf/elves make kick ass shoes.

The Juniper Tree -- Killers should be killed, so their victims will be born again.

The Turnip -- There is virtue in con artistry.

Clever Hans -- THE BEST STORY EVER! The whole crew giggled their brains out at the escapades of Clever Hans. Of course, it could have been my silly Austrian accent. In fact, every Grimm Tale would be better with an Austrian accent.

The Three Languages & Lily and The Lion -- Leave the fairy tales behind for a few days and they are totally forgettable.

The Fox and The Horse -- Domesticated animals deserve much better than wild ones. Haven't I seen that somewhere before?

The Blue Light -- It’s terrible for a Princess to be forced into menial labour. A capital offence, in fact.

The Raven -- Useless men are the perfect men for a wronged princess.

The Golden Goose -- Always feed homeless men, it’ll make you a King. And here I thought the most you could get from such a deed was a dipped ice cream cone.

The Water of Life -- The good guys always win. Silly isn’t it?

The Twelve Huntsman -- Sexism will always help a lady get her man.

The King of the Golden Mountain -- Midgets and dwarves are nothing but magical. Bad people have black faces. Kings can steal anything they want. That's the Brothers Grimm in a nutshell.

Doctor Knowall -- Idiots are fated to riches. See...there was ntohing new about Forrest Gump.

The Seven Ravens -- Father’s are never responsible for their crimes against their children.

The Wedding of Mrs. Fox -- First Story: Genetic anomalies are easy to overlook if you are a fox. Second Story: Racial purity must be maintained. Hey...weren't these cats German?!

The Salad -- Turn a woman into an ass, and she will drop to her knees and do anything you want, making you happy forever.

The Story of the Youth Who Went Forth to Learn What Fear Was -- The longer the story (or title) the more idiotic the moral.

King Grisly-Beard -- Any shrew can be tamed.

Iron Hans -- Cursed Kings will help any knob who can help them break their curse.

Cat-Skin -- There are Kings everywhere, and they’re all looking for a Princess who wants to hide her Princessness. I am not sure that PETA would be impressed with this one.

Snow-white and Rose-red -- Every talking animal is a Prince in disguise’ every pretty little girl is just waiting to be made a Princess; every dwarf is evil.

So who comes out ahead in The Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales: The super rich, the rich, all nobility, the stupid, and cute animals.

Who ends up looking bad: any woman who isn’t nobility, step-moms, dwarves, the poor. folks with dark skin.

Yep, this book is crap. It is such crap that nearly every Disney adaptation is an improvement -- seriously. The last thing I can say, the thing I need to say, is YUCH. Yuch-yuchity-yuch-yuch-yuch!

If I were to delve into some interesting critical analysis of an issue raised in The Philosopher's Stone, or take a critical look at Rowling's authorship, then maybe...but most everything that can be said about liking or disliking the book, about its excellence or its shabbiness has been said.

And while I feel I may eventually take a stand for those who appreciate JK Rowling's world of witches and wizards, who think that these books occasionally achieve real excellence, who connect emotionally to any one of the impressive characters she has drawn, I officially concede my inability to do so here.

But I will make this observation: those who equate the Twilight series to the Harry Potter series for entertainment value, quality of storytelling, cultural influence, influence on literacy, or the writing chops of their authors are people you do NOT want to be taking book advice from.

There is more than something in the Harry Potter series worth reading. I couldn't find anything worth reading in the works of Stephenie Meyer (except that it had been published)....more