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Category Archives: forgiveness

Jerry Lewis died last month at the age of 91. He is survived by an ex-wife, a current wife, five sons, an adopted daughter and a biological daughter whom he never acknowledged as his. His estate is estimated to be $50 million.

He also left a will, not as part of a trust, which would have kept the will private, but as a public document available to anyone who wants to view it.

One of the provisions in Lewis’ will states: “I have intentionally excluded GARY LEWIS, RONALD LEWIS, ANTHONY JOSEPH LEWIS, CHRISTOPHER JOSEPH LEWIS, SCOTT ANTHONY LEWIS and JOSEPH CHRISTOPHER LEWIS and their descendants as beneficiaries of my estate, it being my intention to that they shall receive no benefits hereunder.”

So I couldn’t help wondering…Did Lewis’ attorney not advise the comedian about creating a trust and keeping his will and his intention to disinherit private? Or did the attorney advise him, but Lewis wanted to publically punish his children? Maybe he wanted to pay them back for not treating him the way he believed he should be treated.

We may never know the real reason for Lewis’ decision to disinherit all the children of his first marriage. His sons have said that their father was hard to get along with, an abusive man who beat them, silenced them and always put himself and his needs first. His ex-wife testified in divorce proceedings that he was a control freak who kept her financially and psychologically dependent.

Too bad. The world could have remembered Lewis for the talented comedian and film producer that he was. If he had set up a trust, he could have expressed his displeasure and wishes privately. When a person allows a will to go through probate, as Lewis did, and the will specifically states that children and their descendants are disinherited, it is the saddest and most visible evidence of a parent/child relationship gone wrong.

The mysterious disappearance of Malaysia flight MH370 in 2014 with 239 people on board may finally yield some answers. Experts are analyzing a wing piece that washed up on the shores of an island thousands of miles from where the plane is thought to have crashed into the ocean.

To most of us, the people who died are just names. Yet, for each of the victims, a family is grieving. Loved ones are angry; they want an explanation. An ordinary flight to a vacation destination – what went wrong, how could this happen? An explanation of why the plane crashed may satisfy the survivor’s mind. For the heart, there is no comfort.

I remember watching the search for the missing plane last year and thinking of how suddenly life can change. People we love die, and the things we meant to say to them can no longer be said. We never told them how much we love them, how grateful we are for all they teach and give us, how much we admire them and how lucky we are that they share our life.

We waited, thinking we had all the time in the world. We’d tell them at the right time, when we weren’t so busy, when we could figure out what we want to say. We didn’t give much thought to the reality that all we have is this moment.

Dr. Ira Byock wrote a book called “The Four Things That Matter Most ” about what’s important to people at the end of life. Don’t wait for the end of life. Say them now:

“Forgive me”, “I forgive you”, “Thank you”, “I love you”.

Simple statements, yet they tap into the deep layers of relationship between us and the people we love. They can’t read our mind. We have to let them know how much they mean to us.

If yoiu knew you had 24 hours left to live, what would you want to say to the people you love?

“See you later”. Millions of us say it as we go about our daily lives.

“Enjoy your workout” is so ordinary that, when Sheryl Sandberg said it to her husband before his sudden death, she couldn’t have imagined that she wouldn’t see him alive again.

“Have a great time” we say to family members as they leave the cruise ship on one of the regular excursions by plane for a flight over Alaska. Last week, the plane crashed and we never saw them again.

A beach vacation in Tunis? A movie at the cineplex? A visit to your children on the college campus? These are are ordinary events of everyday life.

We expect to return, to resume the ordinary daily activities we take for granted. We rarely think that we may not see these people we love again. That there’s always time to tell people we love them.

Last week was an object lesson in not waiting to say”I love you” as random events took over the lives of millions of people. Some we know; others we don’t know. Terrorists, malfunctioning engines, unforeseen health issues, a deranged teenager with a gun – and the myriad of things that happen even when they’re not supposed to show us how little control we have over our life. As John Lennon wrote, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”.