The Facebook Incident

02May

A couple of years ago was my 20th High School reunion. I joined FB to keep track of the events and maybe re-connect with some people I knew Back Then. A few of the freaks from my class found and “friended” me, but no one ever posted anything interesting or personal, so I didn’t get too involved in it. I did add photos and such, but almost never posted to my wall. Of course, M insisted we be “friends.”

So, his blog started really taking off, he had over 100 FB “friends”, was following several pages, etc. etc. He was posting to his wall regularly and sparking lots of debate in his comments. In short, he was having a great time.

One day, he had a blow-up (I don’t remember what it was about, but it probably had something to do with my low sex drive – more about that another day) and I was doing my best to not cry or engage him and make him even angrier. On that particular evening, I received a FB “friend” request from a guy I dated in High School. I hadn’t seen him in nearly 20 years, and it was clear from his note that he had fond memories of me even though I had treated him very badly. Of course, as soon as I approved the “friend” request, it showed up on M’s wall and he exploded.

He accused me of trying to hurt him by going looking for other men after we’d had an “argument.” He accused me of wanting to start something up with this old boyfriend (who is very happily married with several adorable children and not at all the kind of man who would cheat on his wife, even if I was so inclined) and that FB “friends” lead to “private conversations” which lead to affairs and it was a slap in his face for me to accept this “friend” request. He went on and on, cutting me off if I tried to say anything, ranting and getting red in the face until he finally said, “Fine – you go to bed! I’m going to look up some old girlfriends! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!”

I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day I closed my FB account. M asked why I did that and I told him that I refuse to give him a reason to yell at me and if my being on FB was going to make him so angry, it was better that I just close my account. He was angry at my anger but I didn’t care. I said some mean things about him being jealous that were shouted down and then I just quit engaging him. I let it stand and have not gone back to FB since.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. He is sending “love” and “kisses” and offering relationship advice to a woman in Italy. I have copies of his messages to her, but no way to know what they may be discussing via the FB chat late at night when I’m in bed, trying to still the whirlwind in my head. The messages have cooled, become more mundane, but he is still being supportive, encouraging her to try new things, sharing the story of his life, all the signs of a budding relationship.

He is being very careful that I don’t see what he’s doing on the computer – flipping between tabs, closing tabs when I enter the room, etc. in an effort to keep me from knowing that he’s at least contemplating cheating on me. Word of advice – it would be much more effective if you just change your passwords! He has no secret e-mail account, and no knowledge of how to conceal it if he did, so I am privy to the whole thing.

I’m not sure if I even care, that’s the saddest part. On the one hand, a new love would get me off the hook and make leaving easier – he would be happy to help me on my way so he could bring in someone else. On the other hand – how dare he! After all the things he has said about affairs being “of the heart” and “emotional” as well as physical and how he believes that affairs don’t have to be physical to be cheating if your SO doesn’t know about it. Especially the rant about FB “friends” leading to affairs – I had to listen to that for days, and now he’s doing exactly what he claimed would be so wrong if I did it. The hypocrisy makes me boil with rage.

It is sad. Yet we are learning. I have been reading your story from the beginning the past 2 days. (in a non stalkerish way of course. :P) I just want to thank you for writing about your experience. It has definitely helped me in regards to recognizing the behavior is his knowing I am not the only one dealing with such bullshit. . . though no one should have to deal with such bullshit. Many hugs to you my dear.

LOL! Thanks for coming along for the ride, and try not to read too much in one day – it’s depressing as hell! The saddest part of it all is how many others share our story. I await the next installment of your story, too, in a non-staulker-ish way, of course 🙂