Nothing hurts more or is seen as a deterrent of the mental condition then failed Un developed relationships; non use of talents, and abilities and or money!

Today I ordered winter clothing! Ive been ordering personalized mountain biking clothing( meaning Ive put some time into what I want to wear)! Im not talking about clothing with my signature on them! Ive ordered specific style of clothing for about 4 year now! before that; nothing! maybe Levi's!

Ive been ordering my own clothing choice for about 4 to 5 years! Ive never ordered winter clothing! Not yet; not until this year! Before this; anything I could get at Walmart was Ok! I never felt good enough to finish the seasons! only one season! 2 buy for two seasons was to independent jump; winter/summer

It feels good; but it scares me! now Im in the economic brackets with everyone else in the world! and Im at the lowest level! It means my mental health is able to come back to a point of remembering middle classism! but Im on state help!

I received a small bit of money and bought winter clothing, a bike, and bike repairs! some music computer software!

Im middle class! I have an education! I guess Im middle class! I don't know what I am! Im just waking up! I'm waking up from the stuff that college people bitch about all the time! Life! Im starting to get some answers and wake up! And it's happening for me!

I thought I had support when a child and loved! it was all a lie and a joke! all of it! I was played the whole time!

I have no money to speak of! But lots of middle class things I like to buy!

I have the ideas but no place and no money for them! I will have to pray and trust God!

Its good! I mean! Im taking the responsibility my mother would have had when I was young; Im taking it over; this is good!

But I do not have enough money to cover a middle class life style!

Nowadays; things are different with different economic names! Im aware that many people don't live the middle class tradition any longer; its Un realistic! Anyway!

Im simply suggesting the confusion of coming back to reality broke but with a good and intelligent vision!

It's frustrating when you have dreams and limited funds or a limited place to live! Or limited transportation! I suppose its whats important to you; thats what you go after and strive for!

Ill have to remember this!

Sometimes you give up! Thinking that your dream is so impossible you go into denial about ever wanting it!

If you cant have a place of your own to bang drums and look through telescopes! You go into denial of ever wanting such a place! You take your drums and telescopes and give them way; whats the point! And then you spend the rest of your life trying to be somebody else!

Im attempting to talk to God about all of this!

Im waking up! I must keep at it! Any wake up is good; However, I must remember what happened to me in 11th and 10 grade! I snapped once again! At age 14 I started coming out of it! By the time I was 16, I went under for the rest of my life! Such pain!

I loved this girl more then life itself and I lost her!~ what horrible pain this was! Torture and loss! Horrible horrible horrible!

Now, I have to hunker down and keep at it! Keep writing music and keep talking to women! And keep writing; the idea is for the real intellectual independent me to surface!

For most of my life my mother had control of me the way a serial killer has control of his victim!; and all through intimidation and fear and fright! Bulling! Even when she is gone; she is still in me controlling me!

I must trust God; that God will bring me back from when I slept! And Ive slept at different times in my life!

Now, I awake once more! And I must watch it! To stay awake, I must stay in the recovery process!