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My 2nd question is: I've been involved in a long distance relationship (thru Match.com) for about 6 months and I'm starting to see signs that the man I'm dating (online dating with Match.com) is well...let's just say, he doesn't like to spend money.Recently, he came in to visit me in NY. I put him up at a friend's (no hotel costs incurred), I cooked meals all weekend long and we were supposed to go out on Sunday - he wss supposed to plan something and buy tickets. He didn't. Instead, he informed me that he planned on nabbing some low-cost tix at the TKTS booth in Times Square. There was a particular play he wanted to see. It was raining and miserable outside.

He called me excited. He had gotten tickets at a great discount to the play he wanted to see. He told me I had 5 minutes to park the car and meet him at the theatre. I was paying for parking and had to choose an expensive lot because time was of the essence.I parked, got to the theatre after curtain. He had left my ticket at the box office and he went on inside.

I kept thinking - if ONLY he had sprung for the tickets online - paid more but we could have been in there together, instead of me waiting outside for him.When I finally was admitted, he was so excited about his bargain. Isn't it great - how little I paid for such great seats, he asked me. I whispered that it would have been greater had he paid a bit more and I could have seen the first part of the play with him.I don't even remember the play - not a word - not a scene - just the aggravation of the afternoon. Later he took me out to dinner and my head was throbbing from the tension. He ran out of the restaurant and bought me Advil at a nearby drugstore.

I think he's pretty serious about me and may ask me to marry him soon. I know he has financial constraints - alimony & CS to first wife - but I felt disrespected and uncared for...Like the bargain was more important than me...Is he cheap or just clueless? Do you think there is potential here or should I bail?..

Comments (13)

I'm with Sheri 100% on this, especially the part about you *choosing* to be upset about it. Some people choose to be victims and seek to blame others for that choice.I think it was AWESOME he found tickets to the show at such a reasonable price.However, if this is truly how you feel, you may be better off cutting things off now and letting him seek out someone who will appreciate his efforts, and allow you to seek out someone who will shower you with material gifts..

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) DoyenneRead This First: How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #1

6 months is way too early for a long distance relationship (thru Match.com) to turn into marriage. I hope by this incident, you can understand why. Speaking as someone from NY who has seen a lot of shows, I also agree that tkts was a better choice. He should have communicated this decision to you beforehand, though.As much as you're rethinking the relationship (thru Match.com) based on his desire to find a bargain, shouldn't he also rethink being with someone who holds grudges, can't roll with the punches and has a heavy focus on negative rather than positive things? It is now Friday and you're still angry over something that happened five days ago. Based on this one incident, I'm inclined to take his side. But I don't know the rest of the story. Did he ask you to pay for his travel expenses and your own ticket? You DO realize that your headache is not his fault, right?It seems like you'd be blaming this guy for the rain, too, if you could...

Comment #2

6 months and the the thought of marriage...thats more of a red flag then being a bit cheap. If it comes up again to where you are buying tickets remind him how you felt about missing the first scene. Dont go all anry but let him know it was a dissapointment and that you would have really had like to have shared the whole thing with him. He sounds very furgle )..

Comment #3

What I'm wondering is, has he shown other signs of "cheapness," or is this it? This whole incident seems more like a breakdown in communication than anything. When you were discussing going to the play in the first place, that should have been the time to discuss the TKTS game plan...

Comment #4

I agree with what's been said already, I just wanted to add one more thing.maybe you're just not into this guy. you're in a long distance relationship. the face time you get with your boyfriend is few and far between. you should be excited to see him, especially for a weekend rendezvous. even if things didn't go perfectly smooth, you still should have been excited that he was there with you. it's almost like you were looking for things to be unhappy about, and resenting him for not reading your mind and just knowing what you want.

You both could have done a better job communicating and planning your weekend, but instead of considering that, you're more content to find fault in him.i think you should really take a step back and evaluate if you even like the guy. if you're comfortable bashing him on the internet ("cheap" and "clueless" are pretty judgmental things to say about someone you're dating), I have to wonder if you even like him as a person lol. re-read what you wrote. my honest first impression was "that poor guy."..

Comment #5

Actually, I didn't know he was interested in seeing that play (or any play necessarily). Before he came in for the weekend he said he would order tickets onlinehe gave me a few choices and I said they all sounded greatand that I should reserve the afternoon. When he got in to NY he said he didn't get tickets online after all so at that point, we left Sunday afternoon open-ended, not sure if or what we would do. We mosied in to the city from the burbs together, getting in together at around 2:30. He asked me to drop him at TKTS while I dropped my daughter further downtown and we made up that I would park and we would meet somewhere after he figured out what we were doing.Little did I know that the somewhere would be IN the theatre 1/2 hour after curtain time (which is when they finally let me in since I'd made it by 3:10 to sit with him). Standing outside in the lobby for 20 minutes just felt icky.

And when I finally got in, the first thing he said was - look at the great seats and they only cost $60! And I kept thinking...yeah, but I was stuck outside and I don't even know what happened until now. This isn't fun...I wanted to have a good time with him...but it feels like the whole thing could have been avoided had he bought tickets online, paid a bit more and then the afternoon would have been better planned. We would have gone in together, known where and when we had to be there and gotten there on time. Like this, things were left open-ended and I ended up missing the whole first part of the play - and yes, it would have been gentlemanly of him to wait outside until I got there. Maybe I'm just being inconsiderate and half a play is better than no play at all - and at least one of us got to enjoy himself - but I know what I would have done if the shoe was on the other foot...

Comment #6

Actually, yes, he has exhibited the "cheap" gene. And I'm not a big material girl as some on the board have implied. I work and spend plenty of money on him and treat him like a king when he comes in. In fact, we don't date using Match.com much when I visit him and when he comes to see me. I cook most of the time. Occasionally he will spring for a treat and we go out for a meal - but it's rare.I've gone grocery shopping with him and if I reach for something that I think will enhance the meal (even if I'm paying), he'll say, "don't buy that - it's too expensive" - even if it's something I happen to really like.

That's my style.I'm not saying that he's not a nice guy - he's awesome - and I really love him - but we may just not be on the same page in terms of how we spend money.....

Comment #7

Sandra, I am not a material girl. I shower people that I love with gifts from the heart. This man has been the beneficiary of my love and my generosity. I did not expect to be sitting alone in a theatre lobby while he was watching a play when our hours together are so precious and few. It made me feel really uncared for.I wonder really how you would have felt?..

Comment #8

OK, so it definitely sounds like the afternoon could have been planned better. It doesn't make sense to agree at 2:30 to meet up "later" if curtain was at 3 for some of the plays you'd talked about, that's for sure..

But man, in the whole scheme of things, is you having to wait 20 minutes really that big a deal? No, it's not ideal but why hang on to it rather than letting it go? Neither of you can change what happened, why not just say, I'd really prefer if we can plan better next time since it wasn't fun for me to have to wait in the lobby, get agreement on that, and then let it go, rather than holding on and nursing the hurt?.

Is he inconsiderate like that often or was it a one time thing? If this is once in a series, I could understand you being so upset but if it hasn't happened before, it just seems like you're making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be..

But bottom line, if that type of behavior is a dealbreaker for you (whether one time or not), it is. Better to move on now in that case. .

Sheri..

Comment #9

Well, I'm not going to take back what I said, because we can only go by what people post, and in your first post, your focus was on what he'd paid for the tickets, and that had he paid more, you would have had a better time. That's what your first post indicated, not to mention the title itself asks the question "is he cheap" which, again, focuses on the material.It wasn't until posts 9 and 10, that you actually got to the details, and the devil is in the details.Sitting in that lobby must have felt awful, I agree with you there. At the same time, you're wanting to still feel awful about it, and want others to feed that awful feeling for you, and I can't get down with that. If that is not how you wish to be treated, either tell him straight-up "Wow, it felt truly awful waiting in that lobby by myself and if something like that comes up again, I vote we not do that," or decide if that is a dealbreaker for you.But one of the worst things you could do to yourself is be disappointed in someone else because you wouldn't have done something a certain way that they did. They're not you, so you're setting yourself up for disappointment almost every time.If it had been me, I would be upset he'd gone in without me, and let him know as much right away and moved forward. I wouldn't be aching my head about it days later.

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) DoyenneRead This First: How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #10

I really don't have any problem w/ buying discount ticketsI think it's kind of absurd to pay $100 or more for a ticket unless you really want to see a particular play and are planning the whole weekend trip to NYC around that. Most times that I have gone to NYC and want to see a play, whether it was w/ my exH or my friends, we have gone to TKTS. What I think the problem was is that if you didn't get into the city until 2:30 and you had to drop off your DD somewhere else & get back to him, buying tickets to a play that started at 3:00 was not really a good idea & if he wanted to do that, he should have called you on the cell before he bought the tickets & asked if you could make it back on time. Maybe at best, he had no idea what traffic or distances in NY can be like. I'm also wondering if before you dropped him off, did you discuss something like "well, maybe you shouldn't get tickets to a matinee because we're too lateinstead you should get tickets to the evening show." So no, I don't think he's cheap. I think it's a lack of communication or planning.

What I think is cheap is someone who never offers to pay for anything, but apparently he paid for both tickets, so he can't be that cheap.Speaking of planning, maybe you are also one of those types of persons who likes to plan things in advance, esp. when you might not see each other that much, where he is more of a fly by the seat of his pants, spontaneous kind of guy and the difference is irritating. I don't say that either one of those types is better than the otherit's the kind of thing that couples either have to accept in the other person or the rel. isn't going to last...

Comment #11

That's a very good point - the spontaneous vs. planner thing...I never considered that. And yes, I'm more of a planner. Had he given me his credit card, the date using Match.com would have been planned for him. As for the bargain hunter thing - that's something that drives me nuts - I don't mind a bargain, and it's good to pay less when you can, but I wouldn't give up a nice afternoon stress-free with someone I love if it costs a bit more...

Comment #12

Actually, I did talk to him. Unfortunately, it took about a week to be able to - because he was back where he lives with his kids and he's a busy doctor on-call and couldn't find time to really talk to me. I spoke to him one week later, explained how lousy I felt about being left outside for the first act of the play.He felt very bad when I explained it. He didn't realize that they keep you waiting outside if you come late - he thought I had mosied on in to the play at my own pace because I was parking the car. He said had he known I would be made to wait, he would have waited for me outside. That the play was nice, but he really wanted to be with me but that he is a terrible planner and that, yes, he does get excited at the prospect of saving money, but if he had known it would turn out this way, of course he would have paid more and things would have been different.I figure I have to clear three hurdles - one is that we don't have face time because he is far away - and we don't even get blocks of phone time because he has his kids and his work - so we have to make an effort to set aside a solid block of "communicating time" each week.

Another hurdle IS the money thing. He and I have very different attitudes. We are going to have to find some common ground and probably both do some compromising. I already told him, he is going to have to do the food shopping because standing in the middle of a grocery store trying to figure out which brand to buy makes me want to scream. He shops, I cook, we both clean up.

I'm an event-planner by trade, so planning is easy for me. As long as someone is willing to foot the bill!thanks for your help...

Comment #13

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.