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Underconstruction on "Clegg calls for Farage knob size to be made public"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=74261#post-217187
Thu, 27 Mar 2014 14:19:17 +0000Underconstruction217187@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Its a European 6 but a British 8
</p>monkeyrepublic on "Clegg calls for Farage knob size to be made public"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=74261#post-217186
Thu, 27 Mar 2014 14:18:13 +0000monkeyrepublic217186@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Nigel Farage should 'come clean' about the size of his knob, according to Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.</p>
<p>Following hot on the heels of their televised debate on whether Cameron and Obama could take Putin in a fight, Clegg has challenged Farage to a televised willy-wave.</p>
<p>"I'm packing 5 and a third inches flacid," said Clegg. "I'd like to see Farage beat that!"</p>
<p>"It's what the public wants to see," he continued.
</p>Titus on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-171499
Wed, 03 Apr 2013 01:42:58 +0000Titus171499@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>"<em>Why is an emerency landing on water - or even a crash on water - the same thing as a fatal crash?</p>
<p>Because this is a comedy site and we make stuff up?"</em></p>
<p>Yes, I like comdey as well.</p>
<p>That is why I enjoy shouting "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. What a laugh that is!</p>
<p>And it's even better when I make things up, like shouting "Ignore all the exit signs - I've swapped them around - run the other way!" That is really hillarious.
</p>blacklesbian on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-171478
Tue, 02 Apr 2013 22:10:58 +0000blacklesbian171478@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Apologies I was away last week and just saw this in the Top Ten. Having spent a lot of time looking at the flight boards in the airport I do like the idea of one of them saying 'unscheduled landing on water' as opposed to just 'delayed' but I also particularly liked the last reply on the thread.
</p>Tripod on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-169939
Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:55:59 +0000Tripod169939@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p><blockquote>Why is an emerency landing on water - or even a crash on water - the same thing as a fatal crash?</blockquote></p>
<p>Because this is a comedy site and we make stuff up?
</p>rikkor on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-169938
Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:50:05 +0000rikkor169938@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Like it.
</p>Titus on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-169933
Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:20:52 +0000Titus169933@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Why is an emerency landing on water - or even a crash on water - the same thing as a fatal crash?</p>
<p>Sorry to nitpick, but although landing (or crashing) on water is obviously extremely dangerous, this is only a 'fatal' crash if someone actually dies.</p>
<p>Many people have survived such incidents, mainly because they followed the very sensible safety advice.</p>
<p>Perhaps if they had been NB readers they would have chosen to deliberately flout the advice and would have run up-and-down the gangway screaming "We're all going to die!" thus ensuring that they <em>did</em> die, just to make a point.
</p>Tripod on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-169926
Mon, 25 Mar 2013 08:49:17 +0000Tripod169926@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p><blockquote>I'm surprised you didn't explain that the purpose of putting heads between knees behind the seat in front is actually to ensure that necks are broken cleanly on impact to reduce the number of passengers having to suffer death by burning or drowning.</p>
<p>Not sure the dental records bit works as it stands. It either needs elaborating ot leaving out.</blockquote></p>
<p>You're right, BB, so I've done a re-write...</p>
<p><font color="blue">Trans-Hebridean Air, which carries passengers between the Scottish mainland and the Western Isles, has come clean about the safety announcements that precede take-off.</p>
<p>“We make great efforts to put passengers at their ease”, said Hamish Morrison, CEO of Britain’s smallest airline. “By harnessing the power of self-delusion, we try to perpetuate the idea that a plane crash is a controllable event that happens in slow-motion, giving passengers time to find their life-jackets, put them on and exchange morale-boosting pleasantries with other passengers, before leaving the plane in an orderly fashion. We tell people that once they’re settled into the life-rafts, the crew will come round with hot and cold drinks and some duty-free perfume. Yeah... right! Once the emergency rations have run out, the crew will actually be thinking about which passengers to eat first”...</p>
<p>Sally McAndrew, one of the diminutive airline’s ‘trolley dollies’, disclosed that it was hard to keep a straight face while instructing passengers what to do in the event of an ‘unscheduled landing on water’. “The hi-viz life-jackets don't actually save lives”, she said. “They just make it easier for the rescue services to find the bodies and pick them up. We tell passengers to adopt the ‘crash position’, put their head between their knees and brace themselves for a slight impact. This manoeuvre won’t save any lives either, but at least it stops passengers from thinking rationally about what might happen next. Or screaming. Adopting the crash position merely ensures that passengers die instantly, on impact, of a broken neck, which will save them from a much more unpleasant death by fire or drowning”.</p>
<p>“It’s amazing how much faith our passengers have in us”, said Mr Morrison, shaking his head in wonderment. “All it takes to calm people down, after a spot of turbulence or an engine packing up, are a few reassuring words, delivered in a well-modulated baritone voice, by the captain. As long as he sounds like he’s in charge, he could be flying the plane in his underpants”.</p>
<p>The passengers on Flight 203, from Glagow to the Isle of Lewis, seem unperturbed by the possibility of anything going wrong. June McClair, 37, on her way to visit family, has a touching faith in the captain - a man known to ‘like a drink’ - and his poorly-trained crew. “We’ll be well looked after during the flight”, she insists, as she watches the stewardess go through her perfunctory, pre-flight ‘in case of accidents’ routine. And what if anything should go wrong? She watches the stewardess pretend to blow up her life-jacket for the umpteenth time. “Look”, says Mrs McClair, beaming with misplaced optimism, “it’s got a whistle”...</font>
</p>sydalg on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-169910
Mon, 25 Mar 2013 00:35:51 +0000sydalg169910@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Good one.
</p>Big Ben on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-169903
Sun, 24 Mar 2013 22:56:30 +0000Big Ben169903@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I'm surprised you didn't explain that the purpose of putting heads between knees behind the seat in front is actually to ensure that necks are broken cleanly on impact to reduce the number of passengers having to suffer death by burning or drowning.</p>
<p>Not sure the dental records bit works as it stands. It either needs elaborating ot leaving out.</p>
<p>Good one though Tripod. Just returning the favour.
</p>Tripod on "‘Unscheduled landing on water’ just euphemism for ‘fatal crash’, admits airline."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58500#post-169889
Sun, 24 Mar 2013 19:13:22 +0000Tripod169889@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Trans-Hebridean Air, which carries passengers between the Scottish mainland and the Western Isles, has come clean about the safety announcements that precede take-off.</p>
<p>“We make great efforts to put passengers at their ease”, said Hamish Morrison, CEO of Britain’s smallest airline. “By harnessing the power of self-delusion, we try to perpetuate the idea that a plane crash is something that happens in slow-motion, giving passengers time to find their life-jackets, put them on and exchange morale-boosting pleasantries with other passengers, before forming an orderly queue prior to evacuation. We tell passengers that once they’re settled into the life-rafts, the crew will come round with hot and cold drinks and some duty-free perfume. Yeah... right! Once the emergency rations have run out, the crew will actually be thinking about who to eat first”...</p>
<p>Sally McAndrew, one of the diminutive airline’s ‘trolley dollies’, disclosed that it was hard to keep a straight face while instructing passengers what to do in the event of an ‘unscheduled landing on water’. “The hi-viz life-jackets don't actually save lives”, she said. “They just make it easier for the rescue services to find the bodies and pick them up. We tell passengers to adopt the ‘crash position’, put their head between their knees and brace themselves for a slight impact. This manoeuvre won’t save any lives either, but at least it stops passengers from thinking rationally about what might happen next. Or screaming. And it helps the crash investigators identify the bodies from their dental records”. </p>
<p>“It’s amazing how much faith our passengers have in us”, said Mr Morrison, shaking his head in wonderment. “All it takes to calm people down, after a spot of turbulence or an engine packing up, are a few reassuring words, delivered in a well-modulated baritone voice, by the captain. As long as he sounds like he’s in charge, he could be flying the plane in his underpants”. </p>
<p>The passengers on Flight 203, from Glagow to the Isle of Lewis, seem unperturbed by the possibility of anything going wrong. June McClair, 37, on her way to visit family, has a touching faith in the captain, a man known to ‘like a drink’, and his poorly-trained crew. “We’ll be well looked after during the flight”, she insists, as she watches the stewardesses go through their pre-flight ‘in case of accidents’ routine. And what if anything should go wrong? She watches the stewardess pretend to blow up her life-jacket for the umpteenth time. “Look”, says Mrs McClair, beaming with misplaced optimism, “a whistle”...
</p>Truebiscuit on "Satire site relaunches as Newlabour'sbiscuit"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56747#post-164189
Thu, 21 Feb 2013 23:34:35 +0000Truebiscuit164189@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>So good it crashed the fucking site. Fucking hell, what a piss-funny bit of hist-o-bollocking-larity.
</p>Truebiscuit on "Satire site relaunches as Newlabour'sbiscuit"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56747#post-164179
Thu, 21 Feb 2013 19:00:21 +0000Truebiscuit164179@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Fucking brilliant work Truebiscuit, another belter.
</p>Audible Minority on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163652
Mon, 18 Feb 2013 18:15:05 +0000Audible Minority163652@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Anyone who provokes 19 comments can't be bad.
</p>Username on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163577
Mon, 18 Feb 2013 05:52:45 +0000Username163577@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>@lane-avenger - I have never 1 starred anyone, except someone who posted a gag about a mate's balloon death a few hours after I heard<br />
@lenscap - useful site to know about, if someone has no luck here.<br />
@truebiscuit - don't fully understand your point, but sounds important. what is it please?<br />
@scribbler - who are all the style gurus?<br />
@nickb - eye two ate buns
</p>nickb on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163564
Mon, 18 Feb 2013 00:47:13 +0000nickb163564@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I support a pan on buns.
</p>J Vine on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163541
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 23:04:03 +0000J Vine163541@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Scribbler thinks the key to success here is writing innovative not funny material, whereas lane avenger thinks the key is to consistently write the first crap that pops into your head. Of course none of the successful writers spend anytime time thinking about or refining what they post, but why not let us know what you think, after The Wanted and All Time Low...
</p>Truebiscuit on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163539
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 22:54:58 +0000Truebiscuit163539@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>A total, 100% ban Scribbler? Not a partial 100% ban, or a 34% total ban then?</p>
<p>It's not the style you write in that anyone's moaning about Scibbler, it's just that it's all a bit shit.</p>
<p>It's called News biscuit, it's a satirical news site. Writing in a different 'style' that avoids humour, clarity or basic fucking grammar is unlikely to catch on.</p>
<p>Piss.
</p>scribbler on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163537
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 22:48:14 +0000scribbler163537@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>@Paddy, Have 3 problems with what you say.</p>
<p>1. Even supposing that the style police on this site were funny in themselves and represented a core of a funny style that typified the site, the idea that others should try to fit in with it would cause it to progressively narrow and would choke off innovation.</p>
<p>2. The self-appointed style police (or talentless territorial bullies as they might be termed) like Lens Cap and Truebiscuit are not actually funny. Go and look at their jokes. They're amongst the least funny people on the planet. (Or what Truebiscuit would call "the fucking planet")</p>
<p>3. If you like the average post here, then you're a happier man than me, Gungadin. I think a total 100% ban on puns would be a very good start at improving matters.
</p>lane-avenger on "Problem of women who hog the bathroom for hours is now solved"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56537#post-163507
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 21:20:18 +0000lane-avenger163507@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Peace be with you brothers. I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. </p>
<p>Ok, maybe not death, but I am prepared to be mildly inconvenienced.
</p>lane-avenger on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163498
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 21:05:30 +0000lane-avenger163498@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>?
</p>Paddy Berzinski on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163494
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:59:39 +0000Paddy Berzinski163494@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Speaking as more of a reader than a writer, I enjoy the vast majority of entries on NB. My impression is that the guidelines give NB a recognisable identity, which is what readers (myself included) have come to expect, and why they keep coming back. It's better to try to fit in with the site style than rebel against it.
</p>Truebiscuit on "Problem of women who hog the bathroom for hours is now solved"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56537#post-163491
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:55:48 +0000Truebiscuit163491@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The 'no guns, but as many fucktards as you like' policy clearly isn't working.
</p>Audible Minority on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163489
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:52:57 +0000Audible Minority163489@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Rumour has it that his grandchildren work for a credit reference agency.
</p>lane-avenger on "Problem of women who hog the bathroom for hours is now solved"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56537#post-163488
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:51:02 +0000lane-avenger163488@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>bloody rich bastard!!
</p>scribbler on "Problem of women who hog the bathroom for hours is now solved"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56537#post-163487
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:49:20 +0000scribbler163487@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>i find having 9 bathrooms and only 8 wives sorts it
</p>lane-avenger on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163486
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:47:43 +0000lane-avenger163486@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Ach! Great Satan I spit on your 'feedback', may your bollocks rot and all your children work for Capita Life and Pensions
</p>Squudge on "Problem of women who hog the bathroom for hours is now solved"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56537#post-163484
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:45:44 +0000Squudge163484@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>it is a good job we don't allow firearms or cricket bats in the writers' room.</p>
<p>stop squabbling amongst youselves and bump my festering turd of a sub.
</p>lane-avenger on "Problem of women who hog the bathroom for hours is now solved"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56537#post-163482
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:43:37 +0000lane-avenger163482@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I usually find that a polite tap on the door and a reminder that a woman, who is inferior to a man in all respects, must obey her mullahs every command is sufficient.</p>
<p>But if that fails I send the children in on a suicide bombing mission
</p>Audible Minority on "Extremist patrols in Borough of NewBiscuit impose 'Harry Hill' law"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56542#post-163481
Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:43:17 +0000Audible Minority163481@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I knew he was full of something and I knew it wasn't humour.
</p>