The life and death of a blue rubber chicken

One that squeaks, at that.

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By Michael Jones

Stuttgart Daily Leader - Stuttgart, AR

By Michael Jones

Posted Sep. 3, 2013 at 3:46 PM

By Michael Jones
Posted Sep. 3, 2013 at 3:46 PM

STUTTGART

It is not at all important to note that predictably, and quite expectedly as there was a production line set up to produce it and the several millions of its brothers, a blue rubber chicken had been pressure molded into existence and placed in a "Clearance" bin at a local store for the purposes of being sold to someone in need of, say, a brand spanking new blue rubber chicken.

One that squeaks, at that.

As this is quite ordinary for a rubber chicken to be sold in a store, the innocent rubber creature had reasonable expectations that it would be purchased by a loving family and would get to spend its remaining rubbery years in peace and loving tranquility. This is why when a relatively rotund man and his insanely vivacious and intelligent wife eagerly purchased it and drove it home it thought nothing at all that anything out of the ordinary was happening.

"Don't Panic" was perhaps its original thought as it found itself ensconced in a plastic bag and placed into the back of a car. Once the car stopped and the bag was removed from the car, however, this is what it thought.

"Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? What do I mean by who I am? WHY AM I IN A SHOPPING BAG?

"Okay. OKAY. Calm down. Yes, I need to calm down and get a grip. OOH, wait! I just felt the most interesting of sensations. What IS this feeling? It's sort of a grabbing sensation around my... I suppose I need to start finding names for things if I'm going to try to figure all of this out, right? RIGHT!"

"This grabbing sensation feels like it's coming from my body. YEAH! That's a great name for it. BODY. Wow. I'm pretty good at this naming thing. I have a body and someone's grabbing it. They're grabbing me by my... I feeeeeel it should be called my feeeeet. YEAH! FEET! I have feet. WHOA! TWO OF THEM!"

"WHATEVER THIS IS IT IS GRABBING ME BY MY TWO FEET! YAY!"

"And, HEY! What's this swooshing sound and feeling as I'm being grabbed? It's like everything is spinning and I'm being.. what's a good word for it? TOSSED! Yes, that's it. That's definitely it. I'M BEING TOSSED into something. Where? Where am I being tossed... where where... ere... AIR!"

"I'M BEING TOSSED INTO THE AIR! This is living the life, all right! HEY, I have a life! YAY for life! This is all way more exciting than being on the shelf in that store. WHEE! I'm in the air now and flying. JUST LIKE A REAL CHICKEN!!"

"I seem to have gone as high as I can go! YAY! Now I'm coming back down. THIS IS ALL TERRIBLY EXCITING FOR THE FIRST DAY OF ONE'S LIFE!! I'm nearly dizzy with anticipation... or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of this wind as I am falling. What is this thing down there that is rushing up so fast to meet me? It needs a good name... a big wide name that suits it... like... ow... own... GROUND! That's it! Ground. I'm falling toward the ground. OMG, what's that on the ground? It's rushing up to see me! It's so small and white and smiling. It's smiling at me. YAY!! I LIKE SMILES!!

Page 2 of 2 - "I wonder if this smiling thing will befriends with me? Hello new friend… ARGHGHGGGHGHGHGH MY LEG! THAT THING JUST SMILED AT ME AND BIT OFF MY LEG!!! I HAD TWO BEAUTIFUL BLUE RUBBER LEGS AND NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE. WHAT'S GOING ON? AHGHGHGHGHGH.. IT'S GOT MY HEAD IN IT'S MOUTH A;DKDKGMG .D.AF….. IT'S BITING MY HEAD! ARHGHGHGHAH;RKGNGH

…."

Curiously, the only thing that went through the smiling dog as it was munching on the new blue rubber toy that its daddy had bought for it was "YUM, Chicken!!!"

Many people have speculated if we knew exactly "why" the rotund man kept on buying things just for the sheer joy of watching his dog destroy them... we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

Oh well.

I wonder if they sell red rubber chickens?

(No whales, petunias or dogs were harmed in this homage to one of my favorite scenes from Douglas Adam's "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" As for the chicken? Yeah. It was harmed)