Translating Next Week’s Concession Speech

Nov. 2 (Bloomberg) -- Sometime late Tuesday night, barring
an unexpected bout of litigation, one of the major party
presidential nominees will be calling the other one to concede.

Immediately afterward, the defeated candidate will come out
and address his supporters. We all know what he’ll say. Let’s
take a look at what he’ll be thinking:

“I just made a telephone call to my opponent to
congratulate him on his victory.” [Scattered boos.] “No, no,
none of that. None of that.”

Translation: More of that. More of that.

“This is a time to be charitable. To be grateful to God for
this opportunity, and to accept the judgment of the voters. This
is a time to unite behind the man our fellow Americans have
chosen to lead the nation for the next four years.”

Translation: I know I can count on each of you to do all in
your power to frustrate his agenda.

“Things didn’t work out the way we’d hoped. We did our
best, and we should all be proud of the campaign. Sure, defeat
is painful. At moments like this, I am reminded of the words of
Abraham Lincoln, our greatest president, who after losing the
1858 Senate race to Stephen Douglas commented that he felt like
the boy who stubbed his toe: ‘It hurt too bad to laugh, and he
was too big to cry.’”

Translation: That’s the Lincoln line people always
remember. What I’d really rather be quoting is the rest of what
Lincoln said about his opponent’s policies: “No ingenuity can
keep this deception up a great while.”

“We tried to run a good, clean campaign. In the heat of
battle, I know that my opponent and I both probably said a few
things we shouldn’t have. But I want him to know that he’ll have
my full support in the tough work of knitting this fractured
nation back together.”

Translation: All of my attack ads were regrettable
necessities. All of his attack ads were vicious lies.

“My opponent and I have our differences. So do our parties.
We put competing ideas out there, and I guess this time around
the people chose to go with the other side’s ideas rather than
ours.”

Translation: Blankety-blank news media, garbling my
message.

“But this is America, the country we share. The country we
love. Let us never forget that however heated the rhetoric of an
election campaign, the things that unite us are greater than the
things that divide us.”

Translation: Wow. I didn’t think I could get that line out
with a straight face.

“Our nation faces significant challenges at home and
abroad. We still have a great deal of work to do to get our
economy moving again, to restore fiscal sanity, to protect and
defend our homeland, and to bring our enemies to justice. I look
forward to working with my opponent to accomplish these ends.”

Translation: My vague proposals were better than his vague
proposals. Why couldn’t those blankety-blank voters see through
his smoke and mirrors?

“This campaign generated a lot of excitement. I want you to
know that I am grateful for each and every one of you who went
to the polls. Election Day is one of the great showcases of our
democracy, and it is a tribute to your faith in the electoral
process that even at this difficult time, so many turned out to
vote.”

Translation: Blankety-blank hurricane.

“I’d like to express my appreciation to my running mate.
During our time together, my respect for him has only increased.
We’ve become great friends, as have our families. He worked as
hard as anyone, and I will always be grateful.”

Translation: Still, I can’t believe some of those gaffes.
What on earth was he thinking? Never mind. Calm down, get the
rest of the speech out, and start your vacation.

“I want to offer a special word of thanks to my family, my
children of course, and particularly my brilliant and beautiful
wife, who has been with me every step of the way, and whose love
and support are the most important things in my life.”

Translation: Her poll numbers continue to amaze me. She’s
more popular than I am. She’s more popular than my opponent is,
and he won the election. Maybe the American people are smarter
than I thought.

“And let me say this. We are all blessed to live in the
greatest nation on the face of the planet. Sure, America’s had
some tough times lately, but we’re a resilient people. I possess
a boundless faith in the people of this country and in the
values that have made us great. I am absolutely certain that our
greatest days lie yet before us.”

Translation: Wow. I actually believe this. OK, so we lost.
Still, maybe things won’t be so bad. His policies are
wrongheaded, but he’s not a bad man. If we offer serious
criticism, maybe he’ll even listen.

“Again, to all my supporters, thank you for being a part of
this extraordinary experience. God bless all of you, and God
bless the United States of America.”

Translation: And I hope the bloggers and talking heads will
lay off the guy for a while. Enough demonizing, OK? Let’s give
him a chance. This is why we have elections. And, in the end,
either you trust the people or you give up on America.

(Stephen L. Carter is a Bloomberg View columnist and a
professor of law at Yale University. He is the author of “The
Violence of Peace: America’s Wars in the Age of Obama,” and his
most recent novel is “The Impeachment of Abraham Lincoln.” The
opinions expressed are his own.)

Today’s highlights: In a signed editorial, Michael R. Bloomberg
endorses President Barack Obama for re-election.

Also, the editors on the Greek debt buyback; Ezra Klein on a
unified field theory of Romney; Jonathan Mahler on Dan Okrent,
the founder of Rotisserie baseball; A. Gary Shilling on five
possible global shocks; Amity Shlaes on how disasters make
government bigger; Carl Pope on the Republican defense of an
obsolete economy.