Monday, July 30, 2012

Jesus Says That Monster Sized Rodents Are Technically Fish, and No, I’m Not Making This Up

Let’s talk about “Rats”.No, not the type of rodent that I’ve been hinting at doing an article
about since June.That started as a 2
page piece on a cool science experiment and has since expanded into a 14 page
monstrosity on biology, social engineering, and architecture- in other words,
it’s still a work in progress.No, I
want to talk about “Rats”, the song by Rasputina.It is a totally sweet song.You should go listen to it right now.Go on.Do it.

Okay, so, it’s a rad song, right?Man, and they do all that with nothing but
cellos?Rasputina is pretty
awesome.In fact, I’m officially making
them The Amazing Justin Palm! Approved™.I love that song, which is why now I’m going to ruin it with actual
history.(It’s, like, tough love, or
something?)

First of all, the song would probably more accurately be
titled “Rodents”, which wouldn’t be as cool a title, but would be more correct.The song is about the capybara, the world’s
largest living species of rodent, which roam all over South America.And they are pretty large, adult weight averages
around 125 pounds.They spend a lot of
time in water, live in herds, and spend a lot of time grazing.Basically, they’re like cows.Cows that are giant rodents.And as you know, cows exist for pretty much
one reason in nature, to be snacks for large carnivores.Tasty, delicious snacks.

Yes. This is just like a cow.

Obviously, when humans first encountered the capybara thousands
of years ago they started eating them too, and just like with cows, people have
been farming capybaras for hundreds of years.And straight up, it’s mostly true that certain parts of Venezuela do
have special dispensation from the Vatican to eat the monster rodents.But this isn’t due to any form of famine or
something.It’s because of some pretty
silly Catholic rule bullshit.(Honestly,
I really haven’t been on some sort of militant anti-religion crusade this
month.I just think this story is really
stupid.But the funny kind of stupid, at
least!)

Best of all, there’s a few different versions of the
story, so actually?NO ONE REALLY KNOWS
HOW THIS HAPPENED.But anyway, in parts
of South America it’s traditional to eat capybara on Fridays in Lent, and
during Holy Week.That’s right, much
like fish, it’s considered to be meat that is not meat.Or to be the meat that you can eat when you’re fasting, or
whatever?Depending on who you ask,
capybara IS fish, according to the Pope himself.The truth is probably a little more
complicated than that.

I’m not going to go into the details of the Columbian
Exchange here, because that would take a lot of work, so, uh, here’s the Wikipedia page.When Europeans first encountered
the natives roasting the dog-sized rodents they probably thought “Wait, you eat
that filthy thing?” and within 24 hours were eating it too, for lack of any
other food source.That’s just the nature of cultural exchange,
pre-internet.And just as soon as
European colonists/conquerors had settled the region/suppressed the locals (it
depends on which side of the pond you were originally from), you can sure bet
that missionaries showed up to make sure they saved everyone’s souls.

According to some, this whole “rodents are fish” thing
got its start when the missionaries of the 1600s were trying to convert
people.Apparently when asked why they’d
have to not eat meat in Lent, the missionaries answer of “because Jesus and
stuff” was unsatisfactory to the locals, and they kept eating the capybara
anyway.To keep the new converts for
leaving the religion over something terribly silly, the missionaries basically
decided to fudge the rules and hope none of their bosses half a world away
noticed.

Another explanation is that when the capybara is salted
and sold at the market, it’s texture and coloring made it look like fish meat,
and that’s what caused the confusion when westerners (re: Catholics) arrived.They just assumed that they were eating fish
during Lent, only to discover it was mega-mouse meat all along.Of the different versions of how this all got
started, I find this one the most suspect; but hey, never underestimate the
stupidity of other people, right?

A different version still has one Padre Sojo, a fairly
well respected local priest in the later part of the 18th Century,
travelling to Rome to get a Papal decree making capybara legitimate Lenten food.And it totally is, because the rule is,
anything that spends a lot of time in water is classified by Rome as “fish”.No, really.Beaver is totally cool to eat during Lenten fasting, if, you know, that’s
what you’re into.I bet you could make
an argument for hippo or penguin.If it’samphibious, then it’s a fish, as far as the Pope is concerned.I looked it up.

Full disclosure, I have never been to South America, and
there may well be historical documents that concretely explains the true story
about all this.As much as I love the
song “Rats” though, the real story is even weirder (whatever the ‘real’ story
may be).I mean, fasting isn’t really my
thing anyway, but if you’re going to have such totally crazy exceptions you
might want to ground them in reality?Or
not, maybe?I don’t know.It’s their club, they can be as crazy as they
want to be with it.And hey, they make me
laugh about how silly they are, so maybe I should be thanking them.

Yes. This is just like a fish.

Thank you, Pope {Whichever}.Thank you for turning monster rats into fish for
Jesus.

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About Me

Genetically modified in the womb by late cold war scientists, he was born with spectacular powers. Now a time traveling oracle and occasional savior of the universe, he continues to fight against oppression and planet destroying demi-gods.
He is-
-The Amazing Justin Palm!