Sunday, 28 January 2007

I've decided that for now I amgoing to stick it out at the nursery and keep a record of what is happening to cover my back if anything does happen or I need to contact someone to tell them what is going on. I feel it would be completely wrong to uproot myself again and I need the stability of this job for me to finally work on the next stage of one of my other lifelong dreams.

I have always wanted to write... I cannot remember a time when I didn't love writing (and crafting of all sorts but mostly the writing). But it never seemed plausible until I was about 16 and suddenly my writing took on a whole new quality. Now I very rarely question the quality of it because it has come on so much. My dad has been telling me for years that I am going to write a book - he has no doubt about it and whereas initially I thought this was simply father's pride I now believe he may have a point! I am meant to write and it is just a case of letting go of any fears related to my worth and just doing it.

I have had a couple of poems published online and in American anthologies through www.poetry.com and have self-published some on another blog. But I have dreamt of self-publishing a proper book fora couple of years now. I have been planning on publishing one of these but unfortunately have never had the money to pay out the initial outlay. My mum suggested I ask my dad for a loan but I couldn't ask him (I have issues with receiving money) and as I am still struggling to pay off my overdraft from uni on the wage I am currently on I can see it being a long time before I can manage it. Part of me feels I should simply trust because I was planning on having 100 books made and selling them at a £2 profit - so I would only have to sell a fraction of them to get my money back. I also know that through friends and family I could possibly meet that target straight away... however I have not yet found the courage to trust it...

I feel like I should be writing more... I have the feeling there is so much to come out - but I am blocking it in for some reason. I am a highly creative person and can easily imagine myself being an accomplished writer, creating poetry and short stories, fiction for children and all sorts of beautiful ways to display my work. I believe I can get there one day - but I never seem to take the steps towards getting there.

So I am going to devote today to research and writing I think - wish me luck! And if any of you have any ideas, suggestions of experience of starting up on your own I would really appreciate any advice or experiences you are willing to share with me!!

Friday, 26 January 2007

This week I have done 2 and 3/4 hours overtime - I had agreed to do 1 and a half!! This is how it went...

Wednesday I turned up to be informed that one of the girls in our room had holiday booked for Thursday and Friday. This is a problem because another member of our staff doesn't work Thursday afternoons or Fridays at all. This left me and another girl to work alongside agency and releif staff, who don't know our children so can't do much other than what we ask them to do which is also limited to feeding bottles and cuddling them... we have to do the nappy changes, make sure the milks are done on time, give feedback to the parents etc. So being down from 3 staff to 2 makes a lot of difference! Add on top of that the fact that the other girl was on an early shift and left at 3:30 and most of our babies leave after 5:30 - often as late as 6pm this was a BIG problem. On top of that I am still not police checked, I have no qualifications and having only been there 2 months I still haven't done a late shift and had never been left in charge of them room... but for two days running I have had to make sure everything is done properly and on time with random members of staff coming in and out of the room all the time!! And because of this I ended up working lots of overtime!

And it has really stressed me out. Yesterday I turned up to work to find that the unit co-ordinator (who is to become our manager - something they lied to us about completely I might add!) had forgotten to put me on the rota and because she had moved one of her "strong" members of staff (strong as in actually works hard and puts the babies first) into my unit and she needed a strong member of staff in her unit I was going to be working in her unit until 2:30... how much sense does that make?? I had to give feedback to parents on children I hadn't even seen for half of the day!!

And then when I told her she *had* to send someone who was police checked to my unit to help me she kept sending people who were leaving 15 minutes later... meaning I had to keep telling new people the names of the babies, how things work in our unit etc etc...

But that was nothing compared to today!! I made so many mistakes today!! Some of the milks were an hour and a half late, I forgot I had sent the relief member of staff to make milks (and she took 40 minutes doing so whilst chatting GRRRRR) and so I left the agency worker in the room with the babies and a parent on their own (which is a massive no-no) to go change a nappy for said parent...

Then because there were still about 2 babies in the two units and members of staff were rapidly going home as their shifts ended we had to rush the nappies and join the two units up and clean up and rush around like mad and the nappies got held up and I then realised that some hadn't been changed for 5-6 hours!!! omg!!! I felt sooooo bad...

And the worst part is someone told me to make it up (we get quite a lot of spineless people working there who would rather lie than face up to a mistake - it p*sses me off BIG TIME!! These are children for God's sake - you can't lie about it!!!). I told them what I thought to that and if the company or the parents get on my back I will accept I made a mistake but I will also be non-too polite about what I think to their policies and leaving me in charge of all this - there is no way one person can do all I had to do and get it all right... I know this... but at the same time I feel awful because those babies were in my care and I failed to give them all they needed...

I can cope with being put upon and the long hours but I cannot stand for the ways the babies get messed around. HR have sent loads of people this week to make changes - but their changes involve changing the units and staff around when they know nothing about the babies and some of them I wonder if they have ever worked much with children - for example a "specialist" today woke a baby who had chicken pox - yes chicken pox is also going round our nursery atm - just because his leg was hanging out the cot through the slats and she thought this was far too awful to leave - and he cried and cried and cried - and just when he'd settled she did it AGAIN!!!

omg I am sooooo royaly p*ssed off right now!! If I didn't love the babies so very much I'd be applying for every job under the sun to get out of this place - it prays on my conscience far too much - I have been waking up numerous times in the night these past few weeks... but I love my babies far too much to leave and some of the people I work with are wonderful too... and I do love getting up and going to work and seeing them - so much - and talking to the parents is great... I just wish there was something more I could do - this nursery really needs a kick up the backside... I am dreading a day when something major happens and it all falls onto our heads. That sounds awful - I'm not just thinking of my career here - the children's welfare obviously comes above anything else in my book... I just hope it is just this one nursery and it's not like it everywhere...

Wednesday, 24 January 2007

Sorry about the extremely poor picture quality today... but I think this gives a good enough idea of what I did on my day off :o)

This was my first attempt to portray a poem in a visual way. The words come from the beginning of a poem I wrote a couple of years back:

My Heart to Your HeartYour Heart to MineSoul to Soul ForeverThrough every Arc in Time

I am happy with it so I might try another poem another day. I am not the most talented of artists - I get annoyed sometimes that I cannot portray the beautiful images I see in my mind or in the world around me as I would like to - which is why I stick to the simpler things. But I can hold my own - and I am thankful that I am a creative person and I have this outlet for all the emotions within me.

For years my writing, which has always been and always will be my strong point in life (that and languages - it all joins up!) has been a way of expressing the deep emotions, dreams, hopes and desires I have inside which, through some issues I have yet to understand, I am unable to express verbally or by my actions. (Ok maybe language isn't such a strong point - how confusing was that sentence?? lol)

One day I hope to conquer these fears of mine and fully express myself in all aspects of my life - but I will always value and acknowledge the great gift that writing offers me. And so, I leave you with another one of my favourite poems (of which I have many lol) which I am hoping will be my next "visual" project.

The music of your soul rings through the nightBell tolls and wind whispers sing of your song;Your life is like an aria the birds love to singI hear them every time I call out your name

Have a lovely evening/day - and thanks again for all the lovely comments xox

Monday, 22 January 2007

I called in sick today... not that I really wanted to money wise and all but I didn't want to pass on my conjunctivitis to anybody and whatever it is I have got it has spread to my sinuses and glands and I have had a pressure headache all weekend and feel quite dizzy at times... not really helpful for working in a room with 12 babies!!

I started the day laying on my bed feeling guilty for not going to work when my eye is clearly much better than it was the other day and I wonder why I have to be incredibly ill before I realise I need a break.

So now I am planning on using my day to do some art work, something which will relax me and is peaceful to hopefully help along my healing. I have managed to get to this point minus the ibuprofen suggested and just usingthe eydrops and the eyebath - so I am very thankful for that!! I hate taking tablets and such cos they always mess with my head/tummy so much.

So I thought I would post a piccie of one of the pieces of art I did last night. It is a variation on a design I made a couple of years back. I'm not sure what anyone else thinks about it but I just love the simplicity of it - the lack of minute details. I'd appreciate comments to let me know if people like this sort of thing or not ;o) I was thinking maybe I could branch out and paint little things like this and display my poetry in similar ways... what do you think?

Saturday, 20 January 2007

Apologies for the lack of post the past day or two and for this mixed bag of updates...

First of all - in national news - there have been massive storms this week in the UK and a number of people have been killed by trees, walls and roofs falling down (including a 2 year old boy - please send your prayers if you are a praying person) and lorries and buses being blown over! Many people have had periods without power as well - including some of the babies' parents at nursery - and the nursery had no hot water for a day and a half - so it's been quite a week...

Back to my life.

The nursery really annoyed me the other day and I am very close to contacting the authorities as I feel they need to be aware... I don't want to go into it as I don't know whether that is a good idea - but neddless to say I am concerned for the children and staff because of the poor way it is being run and dread something major happening...

And yesterday I had a sore eye - it felt like I had something in it and was gunking up a bit... I eventually found time to go to the toilet and check it out and found I had an eyelash stuck under my upper eyelid... I fished it out but then five minutes later had to go back to the toilet as I had green/yellow gunk pouring out of the corner of my eye - EWWWW!

Some of the kids have conjunctivitis so I thought that was what I had got - never had it before joining the nursery and had a small dose of it before Christmas. Anyway last night within a couple of hours it had swollen up quite impressively, felt liek my eye was under pressure and that mucus was forming all the way round the back of my eye - EUGH!!!

I woke up this morning and it took me 10 minutes to prise my eyelids open using boiled water and cotton buds... and it is red and swollen - I seriously look like I've been in a fight... So I trotted down to the pharmacy today (wearing sunglasses of course to hide my weird appearance) and the pharmacist thinks it is just conjunctivitis but she said it is really a bad reaction and has given me antibiotic eyedrops, an eyewash and Ibuprofen to take the swelling down and has told me that if it doesn't improve in the next couple of days I *must* go to see the doctor... I'm kinda hoping it improves by tonight - I hate feeling blocked up and right now I can feel it in my sinuses, my throat and also feel quite sick too :o( This is why this post is very short and a bit mixed up!!

In happier news - even though things are bad at the nursery I am dealing really well - my new outlook on life seems like it's here to stay!! Whoo hoo!! I also found an online community where you can meet people to chat with in different languages. I was chatting to a Syrian guy in Russian and then an Italian guy in English. The Italian guy was cool and we suddenly realised whilst talking that he is moving to Cambridge (where I live) in April - how cool and random is that?? I'm helping him look for a place to stay and in return he's gonna take me to his favourite pub when he gets over here :o)

My room is a bit of a mess again - oh dear - I was gonna tidy again today but think I might slob a bit and try letting my eye heal a bit before attempting it another day!

Thursday, 18 January 2007

First of all I'd like to say a big thank you to TC over on reikiblogger for asking me to write a guest post there. I feel very honoured to be asked to write something for another blog, especially one I like as much as that!

Secondly I'd like to offer a big thank you to those of you who have recently joined me here, reading about my life and leaving lovely comments on my blog! It is lovely to see you here and lovely to get an email saying someone has left a comment.

Right, now for a little rambling about my day yesterday - what a day that was!

Usually, when I am on an 8am start I have to catch the bus at 7am and so set my alarm for 5-5:30am. This often gets a "why?!" response from most people lol. But what you have to understand about me is that I absolutely hate to be rushed! I love getting up and having a good hour or two to wake up properly, have a good breakfast, check my emails, have a shower, maybe try and exercise or meditate (although those last two somehow always seem to be missed out!). Setting my alarm for 5am (and then another for 5:30am) means that if I want to lie in bed and relax I can do so, knowing I have plenty of time and that my second alarm clock will wake me up if I fall back to sleep again!

This didn't happen yesterday! In the process of clearing out and tidying my room I seem to have misplaced my mobile phone - which I use primarily as an alarm clock!! I am beginning to wonder if maybe I threw it out by mistake?! Anyway, I don't miss the phone part too much, but the alarm bit certainly was helpful.

So, yesterday I woke up suddenly of my own accord at 4am and thought 3 hours was a bit too much time to give myself as I needed the sleep. So I fell back to sleep until my alarm went off at 5am... and then I fell back to sleep to wake up at 7:15!!! Eeeek! I jumped out of bed, grabbed my clothes, cleaned my teeth and ran out the door to catch the bus! After a frantic start and panicking about getting to work on time (remember I have no phone so couldn't call them to let them know I'd be late - and I've already overslept once since I started working there - whoooops) I finally got to work just 5 minutes late - thank you to those who heard my prayers and got me there almost on time!!

When I got to work I was immediately sent down to unit 4 - the toddler room, because like the day before, they didn't have enough staff and so I was sent to cover until someone else's shift started. I then returned to my unit (number 2) to hear I'd be spending the day again in unit 1. I don't mind being in unit 1 so much because it is still in the same room as my unit and I can easily look over the partition and see them :o) I was also asked if I would do some overtime to cover people off sick and of course, needing the money I said yes - so I worked from 8:05 til 5:30 yesterday. Not too bad, really, and I get the extra pay I desperately need right now to make ends meet - but having had to eat a very unhealthy breakfast on the bus, it took me til after lunch (chicken and mushroom, potatoes and broccoli - yum!) to really come round to the world lol!

So you see - those two hours in a morning make such a difference for me - the chance to eat a big bowl of porridge and have a mug of hot water and wake up to the world. I chance to peacefully ease myself into the day rather than rushing around and panicking. And more than that, the chance to have two hours to myself when nobody else is up and about and it is just me and the world before I have to go out and face whatever the day throws at me. I am so glad I got up on time today!!

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

The big bosses came to work today. The chef (the one who called them in because she was fed up of all the staff moaning to her about the working conditions) spoke to them and then they offered to speak to anyone who wanted to discuss anything.

Although most, if not all, the workers wanted to chat we a) didn't want to have to sit in a room with 3 big bosses and moan about the company and b) we didn't have enough staff to cover the rooms for us to go and talk to them anyway.

So these big bosses came into our rooms to have a look around. This is the BEST thing that could ever have happened. To give you an idea of how the nursery is set out, each room has two units in it separated by a waist height partition and a nappy room. This way you can have two units for one age group in the same room and the staff members can move between the units if needs be.

So picture the scene... unit 1 had 10 children in - most of whom were screaming, with ONE member of staff in there who is police checked but UNQUALIFIED. There should be a ratio of 1:3 but two members of staff were on their lunch and one had had to go to the milk kitchen because we were already late in making the feeds up. And then there was me - in unit 2 ON MY OWN with 8 babies all screaming. What makes this worse is I am not only UNQUALIFIED but my police check has not come through yet. I know I am capable and would never do a thing to hurt a child - but they don't know that!! Anyway, when they came in I was balanced on the arm of the sofa with a child on one knee, my foot bouncing a bouncy chair and my arm rocking a cradle whilst at least 2 other babies were screaming and I could do nothing... it is ridiculous...

I am hoping that having seen for themselves how bad it is and having been told this happens ON A DAILY BASIS, that they may finally do something about it. And if not it just shows they are in it purely for the money rather than the welfare of the children - which is quite likely and disgusting in my opinion!!

If they don't make any changes I'm gonna be stuck in a bit of a dilemna because my principles will be at odds - do I leave because I cannot possibly support such an organisation or do I stay in the hopes that my determination and love of and concern for the children will make a difference somehow?

Monday, 15 January 2007

This is the question a couple of the parents at nursery asked me last week when I told them I had done a language degree but had then decided I really couldn't live without working with children!

This always amuses me because I always assume that the parents would think it'd be great to spend the day surrounded by kids. Then again I always think it's weird when my friends tell me they have no real interest in children or even go "bleugh" and shudder when I talk about them. This is just far too hard for me to understand because I have always had a deep interest in childcare and have been broody since I was, I dunno, about 10.

Of course, saying that, I think I might be a bit crazy for working in a day nursery - or more specifically the one I work at now. Today was a bit of a nightmare at times. We had a new baby of 3 months old in the room and the regulars who range up to about 1yr old. There were 4 staff and 10 kids which is actually a good ratio. But the babies were all really grumpy for some reason today and it seems as if there wasn't more than maybe 5 minutes at any one time when none of them were crying - my ears feel like they are ringing, you know what it's like when you've been to a nightclub or concert and your ears feel so funny afterwards?

Working at the nursery brings a whole new meaning to multi-tasking. This morning I was sat crossed legged on the floor with a baby in my arms, feeding him a bottle. But I only had one hand spare so the arm he was cradled in also had to contort slightly to balance the bottle so he could feed from it. I then had my other arm hooked through the bars of a cot, patting and rubbing the back and tummy of another baby who was screaming because she was soooooo tired but just wouldn't go to sleep. At the same time, whilst both my arms were in rather awkward and painful positions, I had the unit bully (bullies before the age of 1 - it's amazing lol) climbing all over me trying to get the bottle. And one of my feet was then unhooked from the corssed-legged position so I could rock the bouncer that the 3 month old baby was in, as he was getting upset by this stage... and all this time I was singing my heart out trying to calm and cheer them all. Sound confusing?? It was, rather!!

Apparently the big bosses are coming tomorrow because the chef called them to complain about the way things are run. I mean, don't get me wrong, the children are cared for - but only out of sheer determination and sweat from the staff members!! So apparently we're all supposed to go vent our frustrations at the way the nursery is run to these big bosses... however the office is actually a "fishbowl" - completely made of glass right in the reception area - everybody knows when you're in there and then finds out what you're in there for!! The only reason I can think of for this daft designwork is that they wanted it to be open with no secrets. Of course, the fact that we still don't know who the new manager is even though we know that head office and HR have already appointed them and that the unit co-ordinators (who both went up for the position) both know what is going on. I was making milk in the milk kitchen the other day and one was saying they couldn't trust us not to blurt it out to the parents who aren't to know until the paperwork is through. I mean, come on, can't trust us?? We have a right to know who is in charge!! And for that matter, so do the parents!! The other unit co-ordinator pointed out that we knew the old manager was leaving long before the parents did and we didn't let it slip and we should be trusted... but the first is far too controlling to let that happen and the second one knows it! The scary thing is we think that the position may have been split between the two of them... now that really does worry me...

Like I said - I may not be mad choosing to work with children but I might just have to be quite literally insane to work at this nursery!

Sunday, 14 January 2007

I cannot believe how much crap I had in my room nor how much cleaning I have achieved this weekend... and yet I am still unsatisfied as I know I took some shortcuts just to get it "tidy" for the week - so over the next week or two I'm gonna be weeding out more bits and bobs.

But here's the good part - I bought a new charger for my camera batteries and was able to take some photos of my newly tidied room - yippee!! I have hated not being able to post pictures on my blog - so now you get to see a glimpse into my world!!

This is a pic of my little, but sweet room. The advantage of having such a small space to fit all your belongings into is that you really do have to downsize or live in a mountain of mess as I previously have. The disadvantage of it is that everything goes in here and so there is no separation between sleep, work and playthings... also as it is a rented room I can work around the decor (which is thankfully very nice) but I cannot make it my very own - apart from the clothes rack, cd rack and the smaller set of drawers all the furniture is provided by the landlord.

The pile of bags you can see at the end of the room are bags of stuff I have to take down to the kitchen, cleaning supplies and food which for some reason I have in my room lol. I have another big pile of bags at the other end of my bed which I am not gonna take a picture of - this is because they are for recycling and to go in the bin, which is currently too full for me to put them in *sigh*

This pic shows my clothes rack, as the landlord has not yet got around to putting in a wardrobe - this isn't a problem - or wouldn't be if I had thought to buy some more hangers for my clothes lol - but it does look less tidy than a wardrobe would. As you can see I have had to double up my clothes on hangers until they are nearly breaking under the pressure - perhaps this is telling me I have too many clothes?!

I do have about twice the amount of clothes I have managed to squeeze on there - the other half are currently awaiting a well-deserved trip to the washing machine and are tucked away in two drawers. The drawers would be vibrating with excitement if they weren't so squished in they couldn't move lol

These are the plants I bought today - a peace lily and two kalenchoe plants - one with little red flowers and one with little yellow ones. I have had kalenchoe plants before but never a peace lily - let's hope I manage to look after them ok. The kalenchoe like plenty of sunlight so I may have to move them to my windowsill.

The little house is an embroidered house in which I place pieces of paper with people's name on who I am praying for or sending healing to. Sometimes I neglect to do this, but I hope to keep it going this time.

I have also finally managed to get my wolf picture out. I love wolves - they must be my favourite animal. They are so special and when I saw this picture I just had to get it :o)

This is the little green table from the first picture. On it I have a selection of my crystals and my oil burner (and currently my clock as I was sending healing to a friend and wanted to know what the time was!)

The two big crystals are actually tealight candle holders - the white is selenite and the pinky-orange one is a saltlamp. The pink one in front of them is a big chunk of rose quartz which is placed there to transmute the energies given out by my stereo which is nestled underneath the table.

I also have an oil burner and a set of crystals which correspond to the chakras and which I like to use when healing, for myself or others.

This picture, though unfortunately a little blurry, shows the beautiful ball that my friend made for me. Last summer a group of us from the online forum I admin for met up in Glastonbury, as the owner of the board was coming over from the US to visit and we thought it a fantastic time to meet up. One of the ladies from the board makes these wonderful balls and created this one for me. It was a wonderful surprise and I was completely shocked to find out that it was originally a pair of old tights! Yes, you heard me, those things you struggle with to put on without getting a ladder in them!! She screws them up into a ball and then wraps wool around them and gets tighter and tighter with thinner and thinner thread until she gets a ball shape. Then she embroiders these amazing designs onto the ball. How amazing is that?! They are called Temari balls. Have a look here to see one being made.

As a last little treat, into the world that is mine, here is a picture of the 5 sweetest little candle holders I found in the hospital shop the other day. They only cost my £1 each and I just couldn't resist getting a whole set for my windowsill.

Wasn't that worth the effort?! I think so!! And it didn't take all of my weekend up, as I managed to pop into town to post a parcel and donate some items to charity, meet up with my Aunty for coffee and to have my hair cut, chat to my landlord/landlord's dad and do some quality reading in the bath *sigh*

This evening I am sending reiki to a couple of people and I am so glad I have a nice peaceful room to do it in. And I will look forward to going to bed and dreaming of such sweet things in my calm and relaxing bedroom! I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into my world :o)

Saturday, 13 January 2007

I am the most disgusting person ever - I even disgust myself sometimes... my room is a mess - and I mean a mess! I cannot walk across the floor, I have to climb the mountains of junk and I have dirty bowls and cutlery in here from the past three days *blushes*

I wish I were tidy - truly I do! My mum is the tidiest person ever - to the extent it really annoys me - you can leave the newspaper lying on the sofa whilst you go to the loo and you get back to find it's been put away lol "I was reading that" you'll say "Oh I thought you'd finished!" hehe

Anyway - I used to like saying that I was untidy in protest to the moaning I used to receive about things being a mess but now I just accept I'm a naturally untidy person and it takes an awful lot of work on my part to tidy up and keep things tidy. And this irritates me, because I do like tidy places *sigh*

Don't get me wrong, other than the dirty plates and my laziness through the working week - I am actually a clean person - I quite enjoy getting a cloth and cleaning up or mopping the floor or putting freshly cleaned sheets on my bed - I just find the tidying up part I have to do first too much of an obstacle to overcome sometimes.

So I have set aside the weekend to once and for all tidy my room and to donate all the things I do not need to charity so that there are less things to clutter me up and less things for me to make a mess with - sounds like a plan. The only problem being that as a lifelong hoarder I have so much junk I'll probably have to make 3 trips into town today with all the stuff I have and don't actually need lol

I so wish I could post a before and after picture but alas my camera has no batteries and I won't be able to get any until after the cleaning commences... you'll just have to picture it in your mind - go on, be ruthless - you can't be too far off the truth ;o)

Friday, 12 January 2007

First of all, a big thank you to all of you who have taken the time to visit my blog and leave a comment - it has left a nice warm glow in my heart.

Because of this I feel I want to offer you all something, which is a little bit of love and healing. I was attuned to master practitioner level in celtic reiki this evening and would like to offer anyone who is interested a distance healing session.

Reiki is becoming evermore popular and there are more and more systems of reiki evolving all the time. Reiki is a universal energy, channelled by a practitioner and sent as healing to people and situations. I like to think of Reiki as the following:

A form of prayer - by which you request that the recipient receive the healing and guidance they desire

A form of blessing - by which you give thanks for life by sharing love through the giving and receiving of time and energy

I practise Celtic Reiki, a system which is connected to the energy of trees, as I have always felt a deep affinity to the trees of our world.

If any of you would like to receive a distance reiki session, please let me know.

I'm off now to try and tidy my room lol - I'll be back to posting about my life tomorrow, no doubt!

Thursday, 11 January 2007

Omg it was the funniest thing - I was sat on the bus coming home from work and the bus had stopped to let some passengers off. As it began to move again and I was rocked by the sudden movement I suddenly thought "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" with all the enthusiasm of a kid discovering the delights of being pushed on a swing or going down a slide for the first time - I then proceeded to crack up over this reaction and how good it felt to feel good!

Today was a strange day. It began with waking up having had very little sleep and sitting on the bus fighting my eyes which kept closing and drifting in that inbetween space where you are not fully asleep but you're not fully awake either and you think something is happening but it's not until you are jolted awake that you realise that you had imagined it... you know what I mean?

Anyway, on my trip through the hospital (which I have to walk through to get to the nursery) I dropped off at the shop and bought a smoothie in the hopes that chugging one of those down whilst battling what felt like gale force winds between the hospital and the nursery I might somehow find some energy... and it worked... I didn't feel tired once at work today - not that I ever had time to!

We usually have 4 staff in our room but one is off sick and another only works a half day on Thursdays - so we had an agency worker come in. So basically she just did as she was asked whilst we ran around doing the stuff like nappies, making bottles of milk etc - problematic at the best of times, what with the nursery never having enough bottles and me not being police checked yet and unable to be left in a room alone with any of the kids. So I spent most my day running between the room and the milk kitchen, washing, sterlising and making up around 12 bottles at a time *phew*.

I was late to lunch and then arrived back in time to be sent running round the nursery to tell everyone that Ofsted (the government inspectors for schools and childcarers) had arrived and the rooms needed to be tidied asap and to then run around trying to get everyone fed, cleaned and ready to go home - it was hectic to say the least!

But I do love my work - however many shortcoming the nursery itself has I love working with the babies and chatting with the parents and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I even voluntarily worked an hour and a half overtime today, not leaving until 7pm in order to have time to change the wall display to make a nice colourful and artistic way to display the rainbow collages we made earlier this week :o)

I then came home, in a really good mood, pleased with my work, to find that my reiki master had replied to my message and I am having my master level attunement tomorrow evening :o) and also to find some new comments on my blog -whoopee!!!

And it is Friday tomorrow - meaning that the clearing of my room (which is a tip and which I reall want to clear as the energies are blocked), the sorting through of my belongings and bagging up of stuff for the charity shop (again to move the energies and release ties to the past) and the posting of the crystals I am sending to my friend in return for the book she is sending me can all happen! :o)

I feel good and I feel good for feeling good... and I again feel like saying "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

I was talking to a friend last night about dreams and fears. She and I often go through similar issues around the same time - currently she is dealing with issues so scarily similar to the ones I was last week that when I was talking to her it was kinda like talking to myself!

Anyway - another similarity between her and myself is that we are both struggling with living what we have always dreamed of - that being writing. She is an incredibly talented writer, I have had the priviledge of reading some of her work (I would share some with you but it's in German) and look forward to the day when she let's go of her fears of not being good enough and simply writes! Which got me to thinking about my own writing dreams.

I love to write, always have and always will. I go through stages where I write incredible amounts of work and others where I just block off the creatvity and don't write a darned thing. I took the step a couple of months back of finally setting up a couple of blogs to showcase some of my poetry and some of my children's stories. This took a lot of courage, for me, because I was afraid that no one would see them or like them or even they might be "stolen". This was a fear I had to get over because I know they are good, they have touched a lot of people in the past and as for being "stolen" - well that's a risk I finally decided I was willing to take.

But I have bigger dreams. I wanted to self-publish a little book of my poems, just to share between close friends and family and perhaps make an extra bob or two - nothing major. I also dreamed of setting up my own mini-business, perhaps on ebay, offering personalised poetry - where I would offer to write a poem based on someone else's requirements - say for a birthday, wedding, whatever. I also dreamt of perhaps creating some artwork with my poetry... All these things would be wonderful, but they take time and again courage and this fear that I won't be good enough pops up yet again...

I think it's time I got out my EFT book, started tapping these fears and bit the bullet. And for fear of getting no replies - as it's delurking week and I have been delurking all over the place - if I have any readers, please leave a comment to help my poor little ego feel better ;o)

Wednesday, 10 January 2007

First and foremost (well almost) here's my horoscope for today from one of my favourite astrologists Jonathan Cainer.

Comet McNaught heralds the coming of the cavalry and the appearance of light at the end of a long dark tunnel. You have been hoping and waiting for something to lighten up your life. You have been struggling and striving for far too long - and every great step forward has been followed by a setback. There has been a reason for all this. Something had needed to settle and it is now ready. Keep your hopes and aspirations high. Expect a vast improvement over the next few days.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

I love Jonathan Cainer's astrological readings - whenever I've been going through a major lesson in life his readings have always been so so accurate for me - so much so that when I was in Germany my parents used to cut them out of the newspaper and post them to me! I often find, as well, that reading them in retrospect is better - because it often highlights something I have just experienced so I recognise it and go AHA! rather than wondering what it all means.

On to the real topic of my post. Faith - and more importantly the connections and relationships between different faiths and religions.

I was thinking about this yet again last night - I think about it lots - because Christianity, in particular, holds a major part of my recent past. As a child I always wanted to know God and be close to him and always wanted to be a Christian to achieve that. When I reached 17 my friend asked me to join her church choir and so I did. However this was the first year of my depression, I was so caught in my emotions of fear (not being good enough), guilt (not being a good enough friend) and envy (wishing I were as good as others) that I spent most of my time in a very dark place. I was so terrified of singing that I spent most the time trying so hard to sing and not getting anywhere for fear it would sound awful, that I almost left on many occasions and eventually it all became too much for me and I did. Because of this I never really paid attention in church - other than to the almighty feeling of being somewhere peaceful and powerful and enjoying the chance to sit in meditation during the service.

So when I went to uni I immediately jumped at the chance to join the Christian Union and threw myself into Friday night meetings and going to church every Sunday. But this was where the problems (for me) started. The majority of my close friends in that first year at uni were very strong evangelists and the Christian Union put an awful lot of emphasis on converting people - something I felt very uncomfortable with - mostly because I myself was beginning to really doubt I was a Christian at all. The biggest moment for me came when a visiting speaker to one of our meetings read out a poem that was so dear to my heart and then proceeded to pull it apart and ridicule it completely - something which shocked and hurt me...

Eventually I realised that the reason I was so hurt was because I was finding out that I believed some things really deep down in my heart which went against the teachings I was hearing in church and at these meetings. This was a problem because I didn't know where I fit in and suddenly I felt a distance between myself and my friends as I couldn't open up to a lot of them about it - which shows me now that I wasn't as close to them as I thought I was.

Anyway - I spent a few years really thinking about all of this. I truly missed going to church and that sense of community but I didn't know how what I believed and what I experienced to be Christian belief could both work alongside each other - I desperately wanted to join these two parts of my life but couldn't find a way...

This continued but I became much stronger in trusting and honouring what I felt was right in my heart, until I went to Germany for my university course. There I volunteered for the Salvation Army and lived with an officers' family. I really enjoyed my time there and really enjoyed being a part of the community again - but again it threw me into odds about what I believed and what I was being taught. I desperately, desperately wanted to be a full part of the community - even thinking I'd love an officer's job and being told by members of the army I would make a good one - yet I was always aware that I was being untrue to myself by shutting off a part of what was within my heart in order to fit into this community - and I never did quite fully fit anyway...

In fact I shied away from discussing my belief properly with those who asked me - although we did sometimes talk - partly because I didn't feel confident enough discussing it in German and partly because I didn't want to divulge that part of my life - not when I was confused enough as it was.

And still the exploration continues - I do not understand the need in me to reconcile these two parts - I know I have to live my life honouring what "feels" true and right in my heart but wondering why I feel a need to see a connection between it and what I have been taught/shown by my Christian friends...

I'm sure I'll still be debating this with myself in another 30 years time lol

Tuesday, 9 January 2007

Ok, so I started this blog because I wanted somewhere to write about finally living my dream (and I didn't want to be a total stranger to those who may want to see who the heck this weird person is who keeps posting comments on their blogs lol). But somehow it seems to have been moaning all the way. And this is part of my major breakthrough...

I've been depressed on and off for about 5 years now... but unwilling to admit it until recently because I simply couldn't accept it about myself. Yet I knew I was depressed and desperately trying to find a way out - I would wake up feeling sick and wishing I wasn't where I was - be that home, uni, Germany, Russia... but what I didn't fully understand was all my "if onlys" were completely empty.

When I was in Russia, for example, I would think "if only I were in England I'd be happier" or "If only I could speak the language better I'd find this easier". When I was at uni I'd think "If only I was working and not at uni" or "If only I'd had the courage to leave when I was in my second year"

But when those "if onlys" came true I found that actually I was no happier than before - and so my blog became a bit of a moan fest rather than a celebration of finally being somewhere I have always truly dreamed of being.

This past week I did some real soul searching and suddenly what I had believed in theory for so long suddenly really hit home and I finally "got it".

In recent weeks/months I've been trying to be honest with those around me about how I have been feeling. This has caused much upset for many people because I am suddenly no longer hiding the depth of my emotion and saying "actually I hurt" and at the same time I have been healing because I am honouring my feelings. It's still hard but I am beginning to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry, but more importantly that it is ok to make "mistakes".

This is something I could never do before and I always had to get it right first time... I placed pressures upon myself which didn't exist and which made me truly unhappy. I needed to succeed academically - I couldn't just do a degree I had to get a high mark. I couldn't just start a job - I had to be one of the best new employees they'd ever had and get it right straight away. I couldn't be my own person - I had to be the perfect friend, lodger, student etc even though such a thing doesn't exist.

Once I truly understood this about myself and truly acknowledged that these pressures were my own doing I suddenly had the power to change my perception and experience life differently. As I wrote to a friend yesterday:

Uni wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove to people (and myself) I could do it...

Specsavers wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove myself to people (and myself) I could do it...

My parents aren't the problem - I am... my need to be perfect for them rather than being perfect for me, my need for them to grow with me rather than realising they have their own lives and lifepaths

And you know what all this means??

It means *I* have the power to change all this - *I* have the power to be happy, healthy and free

How empowering is that?

And so - even though nothing has changed around me - my perception has and suddenly things feel ok. I know that I will still have rough days - I know I will still hide behind old patterns - but that's ok - I accept that and hope to experience it as it comes.

And suddenly I feel so much more peaceful and I am getting rid of so much old clutter - I am currently swapping some crystals for a book with a friend, sending clothes which no longer fit me to the charity shop, realigning the energy in my room by use of plants, crystals and less clutter and am looking forward to my final reiki attunement :o)

Life is looking good and my greatest dream of being happy and loving myself finally look achieveable!

Saturday, 6 January 2007

A while back I closed the blog as I decided that I was just rambling and no one was reading it and I may as well just ramble to myself (as I do anyway).

But today, as I was posting a comment on another blog, I realised that actually the whole reason I really began this blog was so that I wasn't some obscure person who commented on other blogs - if someone saw a comment and wanted to know who on earth I was they might have a chance to see...

So I am now undecided as to whether to keep my blog going or not...

So for the time being I will reopen my blog and see how I feel in a few days time.

I did eventually go home for Christmas - which was nice but very short and I didn't get to see many people and it didn't feel like Christmas at all - so I was quite disappointed. It also hit home how much I do miss my family and I really got homesick and considered moving back to my hometown - so I could visit family members more regularly and also the rent is much cheaper there and here I am really struggling to meet my needs on my income and pay off my overdraft from uni...

But then I spoke to my family and it got quite emotional - as it seems to recently - and came away from that phonecall feeling quite desolate. This could have been a bad thing but it actually brought about a shift within me... I realised that nothing could make me happy - I needed to be happy. I knew this before but it didn't quite connect within me as much as it did this week.

I've spent the week (when I wasn't working) reading books for pleasure, eating well, sleeping lots and thinking about things such as how I need to let go of the past and how I need to be less harsh on myself and how I react strongly to others because of fears within myself...

I've also made some more peace with my work - I had a rought start with all the illnesses and am still feeling rought but it's getting better. This week a new sickness and diarrhoea bug is going round - I have cleaned up I don't know how much sick and poo this week - and I am taking the herbs my uncle gave me and reiki-ing myself and just taking it easy to try and keep my strength up and my health strong.

The nursery where I work has a policy whereby if you are off sick with more than 3 things in 6 months you are liable for a warning and then if things still don't improve you could get a disciplinary... sounds fun especially cos I've already been off sick with two things - so in my interview with my unit co-ordinator she suggested I cut my hours. I told her there was no way I could afford to do that - I am not making enough money as it is. So we then discussed the option of working 4 long days - so spreading my 39 hours over 4 days - and having aa 3 day weekend - I'm not sure whether that would help my health or not - but it is something to think about.