News in Briefs

Eric Gherkin MP has expressed outrage that a local council has been banned by the High Court from discussing politics during council meetings, but former councillor Norman Shin is unrepentant about bringing the case: “Politics has got nothing to do with what the council does. All we do is line our pockets, create jobs for the boys and have banquets. When some of these dinosaurs try to drag politics into it, like local poverty or homelessness, it discriminates against people like me who are only in it for the money. It’s a matter of principle.”

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There was shock in the City this month on the announcement of a gigantic three million pound bonus for Bob Gland, a Tower Hamlets road-sweeper, for services to the transport infrastructure. Berkeley’s Bank Staff stood resolute behind the bonus: “Bob’s a diamond geezer. Besides, it’s vital to incentivise such work. We also plan to pay our toilet cleaners two mill each, plus preference shares in our range of cleaning products, and a villa in Belize. Ordinary everyday merchant bankers don’t seem to understand that they wouldn’t be able to go to work in the morning if it wasn’t for maintenance staff like ours. Without them, nothing would be cleaned and we’d all die of cholera in a traffic jam.” Senior banking executives have responded that their work is important too, and they should be paid at least in line with the minimum wage, but Berkeley’s dismiss the claim: “They couldn’t lift a finger to pick their noses. The day they produce anything useful, we’ll eat our brooms.”

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Former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey has said the Christian faith is facing "gradual marginalisation". Blaming the rise of secularism and a modern ‘aggressive atheism’, he said that Christianity was suffering like Jesus on the cross from the slings and arrows of outrageous unbelievers. “We demand our human rights to inculcate everybody’s children with tales of heaven, everlasting torment, virgin births, raising the dead, walking on water and stoning homosexuals. How can children grow into moral, responsible adults if they’re not told these stories? Why, oh why does nobody take us seriously?”

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Iran's President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, says "great" nuclear achievements will be announced in the next few days. Declining to give details, the president instead advised the population of Israel to make immediate travel plans. Barack Obama, the US president, hit back in a press statement, claiming that Iran was using its ‘domestic’ nuclear programme to intimidate rivals: “They’re aiming to use terror tactics to walk all over their neighbours and achieve global dominance. We know, that’s what we did. It is completely unacceptable for us not to have all the weapons. These farty little countries can’t be trusted with nukes. They might use them on us.” A White House special envoy is due to fly out to Tel Aviv to meet with the Knesset Interior Minister for a detailed discussion on how to shoot more Iranian nuclear scientists. There was no comment from North Korea, where the phone was off because of a power cut.

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Health Secretary Andrew Lansley says the government is "committed" to the NHS bill, amid reports that three Tory cabinet ministers have concerns. Speaking from an upstairs window in a Clapham bedsit, Mr Lansley defended allegations that he is now a ‘toxic’ minister whom nobody wants to touch with a barge pole: “David Cameron asked me to fillet the NHS like a haddock, but then panicked as soon as there was protest. However he fully supports me falling on my sword, and I can confirm that this government is totally behind me like the back-stabbing bastards they all are.” Rejecting suggestions that there was division among senior Tories, he said “Mr Cameron’s cabinet is absolutely united in its unswerving resolve to blame me now that the shit’s hit the fan.” Mr Lansley is a member of BUPA.