My team, The Royal Philharmonic, are facing relegation after our key bassoonist was hit by a hamstring injury, and we had to play Terry Butcher on the kazoo.

There was a thing on Radio 4 the other day about how touring orchestras have problems caused by the ban on hand luggage. Your $3 million Stradivarius must now travel in the hold, where monkeys of baggage handlers will throw it around and bash dents in it.