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LIKE any English, I am obsessed with stumbling across a snake in the wild. Everyone in Castlemaine has nonchalant tales of doing so (when they can tear themselves away from recounting the various ways you can slay rabbits), but I’m yet to see one of the slippery customers.

At Melbourne Zoo, I am smuggled ‘backstage’ by friend Lou and settle for a hold of this wee red wriggler, which is smooth, oily and immediately tries to get in my dress (insert Wog Boy-style joke here). It’s not big enough to recall the phallic rearing-cobra nightmares of my childhood, but its devious forays around my waist (this serpent clearly has ambitions to be a belt) scare me off after 30 seconds regardless.

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Mission statement

Hey Man was a mission to reroute those rooted neural pathways and rewire my brain until it was lit up like a bloody Christmas tree – with potentially explosive fairy lights.

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Australia 2012. It's okay, we're friends.

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Previous months

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Can you teach me

How to:
* Crack a whip
* Vault an intersection fence
* Spin a drumstick
* Whistle with thumb and forefinger
* Flick a cigarette in and out of my mouth (hurry - I'm about to quit)
* Play canasta
* Play the spoons
* Chop wood
* Bake a decent loaf
* Pull some self defence moves
* Shear a sheep
* Irish dance
* Play dungeons and dragons
* Put on a faux lesbian routine in a pub near closing time