10 Things You Can Learn About A Girl By Observing Her On The Subway

The subway is kind of like a party. Everyone is invited. You just stand there. Some people are drinking alcoholic beverages. Some people are dancing. People come and go as they please. And it’s the most excellent opportunity to check people out.

Do you play that game where you think, “If this train derailed and was somehow pulled to another dimension and we had to procreate to keep the human race alive on the new planet, who would I bang?” I do. And I can’t be the only one. So you know people are looking at you and going, “I guess she”ll do. She has teeth.”

And while you’re standing there eyeing everyone, let me tell you, you can seriously tell a lot about a person by observing them for only a moment on the train. Should you ask them out or not? Here are 10 things you can tell about them based on what they’re doing, and if they’d make a good date.

1

If She’s High-Maintenance

How much shit, exactly, is she carrying? Does she have a big bag overflowing with unkempt things? Does she have more than one bag? Is there a pair of shoes in one of her bags? If you said yes to any of these questions, she might be high-maintenance. On the other hand, she could be kind of lady-like with one purse. Or maybe she’s man-like in her ability to keep her belongings in her pockets. (Note: I do not understand these people.)

2

Her Eating Habits

You can learn a lot about a gal from what she’s eating on the subway. The other night I saw a woman eating hot chili on the train — while reading a library book! I decided she was probably a very thoughtless person in real life. I have also seen a girl eating a salad on a train, which led me to believe she was a starving person on a diet. Sometimes I eat string cheese on the train, which I think is a nice choice. If you see someone eating string cheese, get to know her. She’s probably a pretty good egg.

If She A Total Shit-Show

You can always tell if a girl is a total shit-show by looking at her fingernails, and there is no better way to check out her digits than when she is gripping a subway pole. Are they bleeding? Are they nicely manicured? Are they, like 4 inches long with diamonds on them? A girl puts a lot of thought into how her nails look — they are a huge form of expression. So pay close attention.

4

What She Reads

Magazine or book? Newspaper? Does she have an iPad? You can tell how high-tech or low-tech she is, if she is a religious zealot, if she is a liberal, if she is expecting a baby, if she likes low-brow shit, if she speaks Italian. The list goes on. I mean, what else do you want to know?

5

How She Occupies Herself

Psychopaths like me try to work or write on the train, while more chill people will just sit or listen to music. You can always tell if someone’s a high strung person by how much multi-tasking they are doing. If she is doing 40 things and you are into low-key girls, you’d better keep looking. This girl is about to break the train car.

6

If She’s A Sitter Or A Stander

I am a freak about standing on the train — I refuse to ever sit down, even if there is nobody on the train. I don’t like being inconvenienced by having to look up every two seconds to see if an old person just boarded and needs my seat, and I don’t like guessing whether women are pregnant or not. I am a semi-fit 20-something who is able to stand for a few minutes. So I assume that almost anyone else in the universe deserves the seat more than I do. (Unless I am hungover.) And it’s not like I’m a super conscientious person, but if you see a girl taking up 4 seats with shopping bags or not getting up when a mom comes on with a stroller or an old person, well, you can assume that she is a terrible person. And this isn’t a sanctioned New York City transit rule, but I think it’s okay to kind of step on her feet.

How She Treats Homeless People

A girl with a heart of gold will give money to the sob-story peddling in the train, and she will dance and give money to the Mariachi band. Especially if they have costumes. That girl, I tell you, is fun and wonderful. Ask her out before someone else does!

8

If She’s A Reckless, Rebellious Maniac

Yes, if she’s moving between the cars while the train is moving. You’re not supposed to do that!

9

If She’s Sleep-Deprived

If she is sleeping (unless she is really cute), don’t wake her to ask her out for a date. There’s something going on there. She might have a newborn or is studying her ass off or is having issues at home or something. And even if everything is perfectly fine, she probably won’t be on her game to talk to you. Of course, throw this rule away if while she is sleeping you look at her and hear angels’ voices, because that means you’ve found your soulmate.

10

If She’s Engaged

Ummm remember how I told you to look at her hands while she’s gripping the subway pole? Check for a ring, too. That could be a game-stopper.