God's Last Will and Testament

Judeo-Christians use the phrase “God's Will”. They'll use it to explain why bad things happen to good people. They use it to explain weird and illogical rules in the Bible.

Christians will say God's will is clear. “It clearly states in the Bible, fag's shouldn't marry”. To get the full effect of the last quote read it again this time with a judgmental know-everything southern accent. “It clearly states in the Bible, fag's shouldn't marry”. Now you should look at your cousin longingly, they way Adam must have looked at the apple in the garden of eden. Except you don't need a talking snake to tell you that you want to eat your cousin.

It is said God made us in his own image and he is all powerful and omnipotent. His own image? Why would God have or need a Skeleton. He must have one because we are made in his image. It's a simple case of reverse engineering.

Would God even have organs that would need the protection of calcium rich rib bones? Was God lactose intolerant? He would have fragile bones, but that would be OK. I don't think there are a lot of things in heaven to stub your toes on. If we are made in God's image and there is nothing in heaven to bang your shin on it would explain why we don't have fatty or armor plated shin bones.

Maybe God has bones at all. “I am God, I have no need for bones” That's what I would say if I was God.

Perhaps the reason we don't see God in our world today is because he got an infection and died. God's death would explain a lot of stuff here on earth. If God did make us in his own image, wouldn't it be safe to say that he could die of diseases like we do. Perhaps God got Cancer, or heart disease. If God is black as many people speculate, maybe he got Sickle Cell. I hope he wasn't a victim of God on God crime.

If God has rib bones, guts and skin wouldn't he have DNA? What if God does have DNA? We don't want to think of the implications DNA brings to the table. After all DNA is the building blocks of life, not God!

That is enough talk of ribs I am starting to get hungry. Although; I think it would be awesome to open a BBQ restaurant called “Adam's Ribs”. I would garnish every plate with an apple slice and a fig leaf.

Back to my original thought, “God's will”. People the world over want to pass laws based on God's will. We try to post ten of his favorite “wills” outside of our court houses right here in this country. Some of God's will are especially important right now, like gay marriage.

I have heard many Christians say “Homosexual acts are an abomination of God's will”. I do not get this statement because it contradicts other popular quotes given by the Christian right. “God has a plan, God is perfect, God made everything, God is infallible”. Which is it? Is it an abomination, or did God mean for people to love whom ever they so choose? After all didn't God give us free will? That is another popular catch phrase often used by holy rollers.

Have you seen two chicks together? Is there anything more perfect? It's like chocolate frosting on a chocolate cake, how can it be a bad thing? Mmm Chicks, err I mean cake, I meant cake. Even two dudes fit well together. Kind of like they were designed, weird. So, either God intended for people of the same sex to hook up in a futile attempt to procreate, or homosexuals found the “back-door loophole”.

The Bible says “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable. (Leviticus 18:22)
Then a little later it says “If a man lies with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads”.
(Leviticus 20:13)

I think it is pretty clear what the Bible's intent is in regards to homosexual behavior. It is against one man spooning another man. There is room for interpretation I suppose. It could be read to mean that you don't lie to men the way you lie to a woman. Which makes sense. You never have to lie to your buddy about where you were last night and who you were with. If this is what it meant, then thanks Bible for having my back. Good looking out.

Most Christians seem to think it means that we should not engage in homosexual acts. I did a Google search I could not find one passage that reads “don't put your man parts in another mans orifices, or something to that effect”.

The Bible should come with a warning label like cigarettes. You should have to be eighteen years of age to purchase one. Think of how flattered the church marm's would be when they went into the Christian Book Store to purchase a new bible and they got carded. It would make their day. “Charlotte, you will never guess what happened at Christ-Mart today. I got carded for a Bible... I know I haven't been carded for a Bible for years”.

God's will is undeniable. Do un to others as you would have done un to you. Unless the “un to” is gay sex. Then don't do that. Really the Bible says not to do lots of stuff that is being done every minute of every day all over God's green earth. How is that possible? If God's will is for these things not to happen then how could they possibly be done over and over again for thousands of years?

The Answer I get every time is that God gave us free will. God's will is to give us free will? Doesn't our will sometimes go against God's will? Let me get this straight. God doesn't want us to molest children, or murder, or steal but if we do it our fee will to do so? God is a bad parent, God is an absentee parent, God is the original dead beat dad. He owes mother nature a lot of back child support.

As a parent you have your own will that you dictate to your children. They will learn from you because you are there. You are visible and communicative. Those are things that God is not. You as a parent can lead by example. I would not want my child to follow any of God's examples. You can teach your children morals for today, not made up morals of two thousand years ago.

Religion is societies appendix. It should be removed because it is about to burst.