In which the author explains why you're not capable of properly managing your own affairs and directs you how to behave more acceptably.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Idiot idiots

For close to a week now, an autistic man with the mental capacity of a three-year-old has been missing from his home in Mississauga. Here's a tip for all the search parties who are still looking for him: Judging by the results of this week's US presidental election, he might have crossed the border to vote.

I was discussing this idea with my housemate Shanel, who asked if Dustin Hoffman's character in Rain Man was autistic. He was an idiot savant, I said, although you're just supposed to call them savants now. "Idiot savant" is politically incorrect. But why do we even bother tiptoeing around their feelings? They're about the last people who'd be insulted if you called them idiots. They'd be pretty much oblivious. "They'd probably just say something like, ' "Idiot" has six letters,' " Shanel agreed.

But of course, "idiot" actually has five letters, so if they said that, they wouldn't be idiot savants. They'd just be idiot idiots. You can't even make that one politically correct.

"Because you realized some of us may have gotten the idea you were funny, you felt it necessary to clear up the confusion. Is this what's happened here?"

"Saucy and educational."

"Impressively and enjoyably clever."

"If you're so clever, then how come you're so damn short?"

"My favourite sassy blogger ..."

"You are amazing. You've just changed my life...."

"You've really made a difference in this world."

"... the one to go to for prognostication."

"... pithy ..."

"This guy is really good."

"I wish I was this sassy. Anyone that can incorporate Dyson Spheres into their blogging deserves a hearty handshake."

"Some serious blurting of laughter taking place here. Thanks, buddy."

"Your blog looks good. Are you interested in increasing your blog traffic and making some extra cash? Then read tips & thoughts on making dollars online."

"You often have a very commanding physical presence."

"YOU ARE ANNOYING."

"Candy cane ice cream reminds me of you."

"... you almost come across as human in that story! Well done!"

"... an angel by the name of Peter Lynn came unto me and showed me the way."

"You are a heartless devil."

"You're a funny guy, Lynner."

"You're just like Hitler, only without the charisma."

"... you're a dirty liar. Perhaps that's what makes you such a charming wee scamp."

"You have a different kind of hearing. You have 'aggravated hearing'. Because everything in your ears sounds aggravating. That's why it is called 'aggravated hearing'."

"Is it wrong that I enjoy reading this?"

"... the blogger is so nice, and the site’s design and content is so unique"

"... a heartless meanie"

"You know, you should be the Canadian Garrison Keillor. I love you."

"I'd hate you so much if I worked with you."

"Seriously, if I worked with you you'd get a slap at least once a week."

"Perhaps you have an ulcer or you are a vampire. Perhaps both."

"Ruddy Ruddy puts a smile on my silly face and a skip in my gimpy step."

"Pete, you're like a hero to me. Congratulations on knowing the right thing to do and then doing it."

"your way of thinking if way off key. you should be ashamed of yourself. life is about more than fast cars,fast woman and drugs. you will have a very short lived and lonely life if you keep this up. you made such a joke of it all and lord help you. One day you will stand in front of god and have to explaine your actions. You can either change your ways or you will find yourself spending eternity in hell."

"It takes a big, big man to admit that he soiled himself, so good on you. I think."

"Comedy fucking gold. Sheer genius. I laughed and laughed until my soiled pants were clean. And then I cried, because every word you said was true."

"Your misery brightens my day - thank you."

"All I have to say is that you're lucky El Santo is dead."

"As one who recently put a relationship in the opposite sex in quite possibly insurmountable jeopardy because of his love for edgy jokes, I'm on your side."

"... what is up with your disassociational delusions? You are the jokester, always have been. When I worked with you, you amply filled the role of office jokester for a company of 300 people all on your own."

"Thou art my grammatical superior."

"I'm afraid to write to you. What if I use a semi-colon wrong?! It's very stressful for me."

"That may be the funniest story I've ever heard. Offensive or not."

"You. Are. A. God. My hat off to you, sir. In my 29 years of life I have yet to offend so many in such a cavalier way. Oh, I have tried, yes, but to have something this good in the antisocial arsenal... You magnificent bastard!"

"I'm your friend and I'm scared of you, and I've been telling you for 18 months that if I worked with you I'd probably hate you."

"Am I your only friend left?"

"... we're no longer friends, after your gross calumny and slander on manvsclown."

"So, I blogroll *and* recommend you in a post, and then it's pissing posts galore. That's just the way the world works, I guess."

"You obviously have little education and certainly little money. IF you get lucky enough to win a lottery you'll then have a chance to know what a butler is...maybe you'll buy some lessons in manners as well."

"Brilliant! How the hell do you not have more readers?"

"Just wanted to say that I'm glad there are people out there like you correcting the kind of dreadful grammar that consistently gives me migraines."

"Kudos, y'all, this blog is hilarious. I deem it bookmark-worthy."

"Canadian bastard! That's it. We're invading Monday."

"Why do you insist on ruining everything?"

"you ... write like a seal clubbing Canadian"

"You realize that your little workplace experiments are going to get you fired, right?"

"Pete, you're my favourite kind of complete asshole"

"you're ... a veritable cloud of assholes"

Seriously --- your blog is one of the most fun reads on the Internets. Why, some people pay top dollar for this level of comedy gold! (Oh, and you're a veritable cloud of assholes.)

"You really know how to produce a new and higher level of truth, Pete."

"You're an idiot."

"Kudos on sounding like a vitriolic jerk."

"Inappropriate, full stop."

"Thanks for ruining everything, Peter."

"Look at you and your big head. You think you're the only contributor to Man VOOSE clown?"/li>