Build a craftsman-quality marriage

Saturday

Aug 23, 2014 at 6:00 AM

James & Audora Burg

Last weekend, we played out nearly every permutation on a variation of the light bulb joke. We still are not sure how many Burgs it takes to change a bath fan. The answer depends on the context.Here are a few possible contexts:Silly: As many as it takes.Practical: As many as happen to be around at the time.Realistic: One technically-proficient adult male Burg and an ever-changing cast of assorted Burglet helpers.The other question is how long did said project take? We may never know. Actual installation – removing the old unit, enlarging the hole in the ceiling, dropping in the new fan and making connections -- was only a fraction of the total time spent. The other portion included several trips to the big box store for various supplies, time up a ladder to change the vent stack on the exterior of the house, and the knee-crunching time inching along the hot, stuffy, enclosed attic space above the bathroom to reach the fan.None of the time calculations would reflect the time spent by helpers running down to the basement to retrieve another tool needed by the dad waiting in the ceiling (and that sounds like a Dr. Seuss set-up).At one point, Jim had to decide how to best fit the new fan in the old hole. The old fan was centered between two ceiling lights. To achieve the same positioning with the new would require more demolition and rehab than was warranted for such a small project. Yet the aesthetic effect of merely placing the new one in the existing hole would suggest a hack job. Jim finally figured out a way to get it done and still make it look right.In that decision and calculation, Audora saw again a key principle in her husband’s values: “good enough” is not good enough. Things must be done the right way, not just done.It is not a matter of being fussy or perfectionistic, it’s a matter of having high standards – matched by the commitment to rise to them. In our consumerist throw-away culture, “They don’t build x like they used to” is an all-too-common refrain. It’s usually uttered by those who not only remember, but treasure, a better way.For those who see marriage as just another transaction that can be canceled whenever the consumer is dissatisfied, the idea of quality craftsmanship -- of taking the time and effort to create something to last, of investing time and effort to repair it if it falters -- seems like an irrelevant, old-fashioned value. But that is the very value necessary for building a quality marriage that will endure. That value is not the sole province of an older and curmudgeonly generation, but something we have seen in younger and optimistic couples as well. Building and maintaining healthy marriages is a timeless value.

James Burg, Ph.D., is an associate professor at Indiana University-Purdue, Fort Wayne. His wife, Audora, is a freelance writer. You may contact them at marriage@charter.net.