It’s the freaknd Weeknd baby! We’re about to have us some fun. This week, Eric and Adrian regale their special guests with deep insights into Macklemore’s writing process and fascinating semantic debates (cheerleader is in the dictionary but ass shots, tragically, are not). The jury finds that OMI is not the best guy, but also not the worst guy: that would be A$AP Rocky. They collectively worry about Selena Gomez’s self esteem—in a moment that the Onion captures perfectly.

If you know whether you can get ass Botox, please write in. Good for you!

A hearty R&B greeting to you all! The Chartstoppers expound the virtues of pollen, pies, and the Oxford comma while discussing the two most underrated musical instruments of all time: the saxophonica and the Bop-It Extreme. So grab a spot in the line/queue and sing along if you know the words. If you forget them, you can always just point.

This week: well, it exists. Eric and Adrian splash around in the swampy pop-culture more-ass left behind by box-office hit Fifty Shades of Grey. Ed Sheeran and the jerks in Maroon 5 proffer some well-timed wedding fodder. Adrian waves a long goodbye to Bruno Mars’s goatee while his limo goes slower than anything has any right to go, and we all find out exactly which blazers Eric has.

Eric and Adrian are dismayed to discover just what it is kids these days like. It’s Tove Lo, who is not as good as Sia, and Echosmith, whose name is barely better than Audioslave’s. This week features two videos with chillingly un-fun sex and two coinages (Eric: singalongable, adj.; Adrian: hipsterdom, n., by way of apology). We learn what British people like from vaunted diplomat Cher Lloyd, and she demonstrates what British people think Americans like. We’re both terrified by a crooning country dude’s sinister hidden meaning.

Eric and Adrian sink ever lower into the depths of the rankings cesspool. They bring their meager Spanish skills to bear for the triumphant return of Enrique Iglesias. Jeremih offers terrible advice, rehashing an iconic 14-year-old track, and this week’s detour takes us even farther back: 1997 was a time of unconcealed double entendre (and other unconcealed things). Don’t watch the Maroon 5 video; it will just make you angry.

Eric and Adrian return briefly to the poisoned MAGIC! well along the leisurely walk from Nico & Vinz up through Nicki & Swift. Adrian gets a little paranoid about shadowy studio executives; Eric gets a little hungry for a fruit salad. And this week’s detour leads them to wax sentimental over Charli XCX.

On this inaugural episode of Chartstoppers, Eric and Adrian grapple with the pronunciation of Ariana Grande’s name, the freaky old-person/cop/chubby-kid trope of modern music videos, and the travesty of Shitty MAGIC! Man. Along the way from #5 to #1 on this week’s charts, they take a brief detour to wiggle wiggle wiggle (they do, in fact, know what to do with that big, fat butt).