"I’ve never heard of it." — Chris Sabo (January 17, 2014)

NLDS Game 5: How to Disappear Completely

I’m not going to talk about the game, because you already know what happened, and my blabbering about what moves Dusty Baker should have and shouldn’t have made, or the hits the offense didn’t get are a moot point. They lost, and that sucks.

But I do have a question: What the hell did the city of Cincinnati do to San Francisco?

2012:National League Division Series – Reds lose series to San Francisco Giants (after leading the five-game series 2-0)

The lone exception was the 1990 World Series, where the Cincinnati Reds swept the Oakland A’s (who are just across the bay from San Francisco). But keep in mind that a year earlier, the Bay Area was rocked by a 7.1-magnitude earthquake during the World Series–featuring two Bay Area teams, the San Francisco Giants and Oakland A’s–so it’s possible whatever demons are at work here were knocked off balance for a year.

So, I ask you again, San Francisco–what the hell did Cincinnati do to you?

Whatever it was, we’re sorry. We give up. We’ll do whatever you want us to do, just leave us alone!

(This is starting to sound like the plot to Paranormal Activity)

Do you want me to give up Skyline Chili and eat nothing but Rice-A-Roni and sourdough bread for the rest of my life? I’ll do it. It’ll be hard, but I’ll do it. Do you want me to buy Full House: The Complete Series–on Blu-ray?! Just call me Uncle Jesse, because I’ll do it.

The citizens of Cincinnati plead for mercy, almighty San Francisco. You win.