Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Lessons

H got two job offers this week. Here in our hometown, so we won't even have to move. It has been completely anti-climatic. This has been my hearts desire for 6 months, occupying every worry and every hope, and now it seems that problem has been solved. I don't think I will dare celebrate or let my guard down, um well, ever? Do you ever feel like something is safe or permanent after that? Or is the point that your job isn't the thing that should give you safety, purpose and permanence? I would say we have done some painful work of finding those things in the shelter of our own house and relationship. So I am happy (so happy) for him to be employed, but really, the only thing I think I will ever take from a "career" again is the paycheck (and yes I am very, very thankful for that too).

I don't feel like listing all the lessons I have learned in the past year. It would be obnoxious and preachy, and also, I am not far enough out of the woods to declare that those lessons were great for me, and totally worth all the pain. Not even close to being that evolved yet. Just suffice it to say that the lessons are there, and I will digest them at some later date.

I wonder if a pregnancy would feel this anti-climatic too. I am really scared of miscarriage. Much more scared than of just getting my 80th negative.

I have about 5 good looking embryos still, and will transplant on Friday, then another two week wait. Back into the woods...

About Me

I am a woman who, despite best intentions, modern medicine, bad advice, and a whole lotta good old fashioned trying, cannot reproduce. I am the genetic mule. These are the stories of my quest for a baby, my denial that I want a baby, and every other thing in between. I have found the best ways to cope with this particular brand of tough stuff is by sharing the sadness and looking for the humor in infertility with fellow mules. Sarcasm, dark humor, occasional bitching, and of course frequent crying all seem to help me. One thing that I have particular trouble with is HOPE. I'll work on it.
But here is something sweet for those of you tough enough to handle some of the H word. I did a google search of "genetic mule" just before I published my first post to make sure no clever person had stolen my name before I got to it, and the only thing that came up was this:
http://www.eyeondna.com/2007/07/31/genetic-impossibility-female-mule-gives-birth-to-foal/
Read it and weep. I did. I guess there is hope even for a mule like me.