The Neurobiology of Stress - Part II

In Part I of this series, we examined and defined what stress is and what it does. Now, in Part II, we will look at some tangible and practical steps which can be taken to better manage the stress.

We must consider a proactive strategy in addressing the realities that come with parenthood. Before doing so, it is essential we likewise understand the two primary categories of stress. First, there is the stress of parenting. Many would agree that just being around children can be stressful. Second, there is the stress we bring into our parenting (e.g., unresolved hurts of our own, patterns of besetting sin, unhealthy relationships, unforgiveness, insecurity, extreme control needs, etc.). Parents who have successfully addressed the second category of stress (what we bring), will do a much better job in handling the first category.

Here is a potentially difficult, but important question we must all ask ourselves from time-to-time: Is my parenting role/style causing the problems in my life; or, is my parenting role/schriyle revealing the problems in my life? Stress and pressure have a way of squeezing things out of us. The good news is that cause-and-effect dynamics can be improved or resolved and revelation can be used by the Holy Spirit to promote needed adjustments and change. Our role is to have “ears to hear,” “eyes to see,” and a willing and open heart before the Lord.

So, what goes into a good stress prevention or self-care plan? The following are a number of principles you may find helpful in your own journey. Take them and prayerfully develop a personalized approach, tailored to your needs and/or situation. Write the plan down and review it at least once every week. Start by being honest with yourself and be open to what the Holy Spirit is speaking.

1. Learn how to recognize the stress-producing areas in your life requiring attention and take ownership of what needs to be done. “Let us search out and examine our ways, and turn back to the Lord” (Lamentations 3:40). You cannot extinguish a problem until you

can first distinguish a problem. Things which remain a secret usually continue to have power over us and may be sources of fear, guilt, and shame. Here is my definition of fear: it is the “darkroom” that develops all our negatives. Fear is a dark place where negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors emerge. The only thing I know of that will stop a developing photograph is light. This is because light penetrates and darkness does not. Ephesians 5:13 says, “But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.”

2. Learn how to renew your mind. We need to reject the lies of Satan and replace them with the truth of Scripture. It is like taking an antibiotic to fight off an infection. However, the “medicine” will never do us any good unless and until we take it in—so to with the God’s Word. The process is like weeding in a garden. If the ground is dry and hard, it can be very difficult to remove the weeds. The Word washes our minds and softens our “heart ground,” thereby allowing God to root out the things in our lives that have become detrimental to spiritual, emotional, and relational health. Paul encourages us in Romans to, “Not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God” (12:2).

3. Learn to depersonalize some of what you do as a parent and limit your time around negative people. Children frequently bring a host of complaints and problems to their parents, where they may not necessarily be encouraged, positive in their outlook, or full of faith in the midst of their angst. This can be draining after a while—remember Jethro’s observation of Moses in the wilderness when he was “wearing himself out” while trying to counsel everyone (Exodus 18). Criticism from a child is a frequent companion of any parent. Parents can become like lightning rods simply because they are in an authority position. This can be especially true if a child has unresolved issues, so it is important to remember that strong negative reactions may not really be about you or your parenting. Philippians 1:8 admonishes us, “Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

4. Learn to not lose sight of your first love because “you” are not your parenting. Before our identities as husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, or any number of other roles, we are first and foremost, the adopted sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. We must not allow our “parenting” to become the “mistress” in our walk with God because it’s like chasing the wind and a formula for discouragement and burnout. When Jesus prayed in selecting His Apostles, the Scripture says, “He appointed twelve, that they might be with Him and that He might send them out to preach, and to have power to heal sicknesses and to cast out demons” (Mark 3:14-15). It is a blessing and privilege to be given opportunities to preach the Gospel, move in the miraculous, and engage in frontline spiritual warfare (all the purview of parenting from time to time), but this is not the first reason God has called or appointed us either. It is so you and I, “might be with Him,” our first love.

5. Learn to rest because the nature of God has much to do with rest. Rest, true God-given rest, does not automatically imply inactivity, but trust and dependency. God has so ordained our bodies that about every sixteen hours, they need to shut down for a while. If you live to a normal life expectancy, you will sleep approximately 25 years of that life. Speaker/author, Steven Covey, tells a story about two men who chopped wood side-by- side all day together. One man stopped every hour and rested, while the other worked straight through the day. When they finished, the man who rested actually chopped more wood. Why—because when he stopped, he also sharpened his axe. Resting allows us to stay sharp. We sharpen our physical axes, our emotional and relational axes, and especially our spiritual axes. “If the axe is dull and he does not sharpen its edge, then he must exert more strength” (Ecclesiastes 10:10).

6. Learn to be silent and learn to be still. What is it about parenting that often compels us to try and accomplish more than Jesus did? I cannot imagine anyone busier and more in demand than Christ was during His life on the earth. Yet, He clearly understood the value of being alone with the Father. Luke records this for us, “However, the report went around concerning Him all the more; and great multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed by Him of their infirmities. So He Himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed” (5:15-16). The busier we are as parents, the more we need to strategically withdraw, wait on the Lord, and allow the Holy Spirit to, “renew our strength so that we can mount up with wings like eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

7. Learn to give your burdens to God each day. We were not designed to be pack mules. We are sheep. The only burden sheep carry is their wool and they lose that twice a year. In Matthew 11, Jesus admonishes us by saying, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light” (vs. 28-30). In Williamsburg, Virginia, where I have lived, there are a pair of oxen that pull a cart throughout the streets. Usually, one ox is a wise, seasoned animal and the other is new, young and untrained. Whenever a new ox is brought in, a special training yoke is used. The neck hole for the wise seasoned old ox fits his neck almost perfectly, but the yoke for the young ox is much larger. The reason—the young ox is not supposed to feel the burden of the cart, but only learn what it means to walk alongside the other. It is an easier yoke. Jesus told us His yoke is easy. Yet, it remains a yoke, which means we cannot simply go anywhere we choose. However, God does want us to learn to walk alongside Him. If you are constantly feeling the burden of the parenting yoke, it may mean you are in the lead and not the Lord.

8. Learn to triage your daily and life events. Emergency personnel have been trained to come into a situation, assess the genuine priorities, and begin making decisions regarding the most critical things first. Sometimes, it can literally make the difference between life and death. The same is true in parenting. Spiritual triage—discerning what God is doing in the moment, having the wisdom to know how to respond, and being led by the Holy Spirit—is a critical, stress-reducing parenting skill. Not everything that is important is necessarily urgent and not everything that is urgent is necessarily important. David cried out to God saying, “Show me Your ways, O Lord; Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day” (Psalm 25:4-5).

9. Learn to resolve those things that can be attended to easily and quickly. I frequently talk with parents who spend 90% of their time, energy, and resources on the 10% they may be able to do very little about. Reversing those numbers could help immensely in how we go about our days. Have you ever had a pebble in your shoe? A splinter? An eyelash in your eye? These are not life threatening events, but they can be extremely irritating and distracting nonetheless. A simple adjustment (i.e., taking the shoe off and shaking it out) can provide immediate relief. Ask God to show you the things in your life that represent pebbles, splinters, and eyelashes, and with a little attention, you might experience relief and even freedom—in other words the, “little foxes that spoil the vine” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Perhaps it means getting at least one more hour of sleep each night, or actually taking a day off and relaxing. It could be any number of minor adjustments having significant payoffs. We only have to be off course by a little to miss the destination by a lot.

10. Learn to manage you time by saying “No,” or your time will control you. Time does not manage us, it tends to take over. We must be active—and at times determined—in our self-examination and intentional in correction when it comes to this issue. Do we simply need to be needed or are other factors involved? I have learned than cemeteries are full of indispensable people. The fact of the matter is that life usually goes on with or without us. Parents too often move their spouses and their own self-care out of their schedules when something else comes up and crowds the calendar. We rationalize that we will make it up later and yet, we never seem to have the time. Learning how to set reasonable and appropriate boundaries are essential to good health and well-being.

11.Maintain a healthy foundation of sleep, diet and exercise in your daily routine. Caffeine is the most abused stimulant in the United States and when combined with the adrenaline-fueled lifestyle many of us experience, the impact can have a number of negative consequences. Basically, we sleep in 90-minute cycles. The first 60 minutes or so of each cycle is when the body repairs itself at the cellular level. The last 20-30 minutes of the cycle is when the brain/mind attempts to de-clutter and restore. This is the Rapid Eye Movement (REM) or dream cycle portion associated with sleep. Most of us need around five sleep cycles per night and if we are resting properly, the REM sleep should lengthen with each cycle. Caffeine acts like a Central Nervous System (CNS) stimulant and has approximately, a seven-hour half-cycle. This means that seven hours after consuming caffeine, 50% of the effect of the stimulant is still impacting your body and brain. Studies have shown that 300mg of caffeine (2-4 cups of coffee; 1-2 espressos; a combination of soda, coffee and chocolate; etc.) can significantly disrupt the sleep cycle depending on when it is consumed during the day (as much as 50% when the body is trying to restore itself and as much as 70% of the REM cycle). Unfortunately, the effects of sleep loss are accumulative (a "foggy" brain, worsened vision, impaired driving, short-term memory problems, obesity, and even heart disease). A 2005 survey by the National Sleep Foundation concluded that the average person sleeps about 6.9 hours a night, but the body/mind requires closer to eight hours for most people. This means the average person loses almost an entire night's sleep (seven hours) on a weekly basis. We have approximately one week to make up the sleep deficit and then whatever impact occurs is likely to be present and deteriorating over time.

12. Learn the value of authentic relationship and find one or two key people in your life to be accountable to. Someone once told me that accountability was the “breakfast of champions,” but that too many people skipped the most important meal of the day.

Isolation and the lack of accountability is, in my opinion, the primary strategy that Satan uses to take down any parent—“walking about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Whenever we are alone (in reality or perception) and cut off from supportive relationships, we are the most vulnerable. We do not necessarily need more “yes” men and women. Most of us already have our share of them—good people, prayer warriors, faithful, and loyal to be sure—but we also need “truth-tellers” in our lives. These are individuals who also love us, are safe, and we can count on them to give honest, direct, and transparent feedback. However, we must give these individuals permission and an open invitation to do so. The spiritual landscape is littered with individuals who have failed to embrace this truth. Look at the foresight of the wisest man who lived. In 1 Kings 4:1-19, we see a wide-ranging list of Solomon’s officials (priests, scribes, recorders, military commanders, projects managers, governors, and the like). Yet, imbedded in this list, is a priest named Zabud, who is also described as the “King’s friend” (vs. 5, NASB). Here was Solomon, apparently with the wisdom to have at least one person on his staff who also served in the capacity of friend. Who is your Zabud? If you do not have one, may I encourage you to find one. Better yet, consider being a Zabud to another parent.

Christian parenting is a high and sacred calling—to humbly, yet transparently represent Christ as His ambassadors to our children who represent the next generation. In order to, “run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1), we must be deliberate when it comes to our own self-care. Only then can we put on the compassion of Christ and consistently manifest His grace, truth, and love to our sons and daughters. May you have true joy in the journey.

Eric Scalise, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT, is the President of LIV Enterprises & Consulting, LLC and CEO for the Alignment Association, LLC. He is the former Vice President of the 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), as well as the former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA. He is an adjunct professor and the Senior Editor for both AACC and the Congressional Prayer Caucus Foundation. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with 36 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health field. Specialty areas include professional and pastoral stress and burnout, compassion fatigue, mood disorders, marriage and family issues, combat trauma and PTSD, addictions and recovery, crisis response, grief and loss, leadership development, life coaching, and lay counselor training. He is a published author with Zondervan, Baker Books, and Harvest House, is a national and international conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues. Dr. Scalise and his wife, Donna, have been married for 36 years, have twin sons who are combat veterans serving in the U.S. Marine Corps, and three grandchildren.

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