My name is Lindsay, I am 28 and a month ago at the age of 4 months my beautiful son Jackson died. I felt that my life was over and that I was standing in a dark hole not sure how I was going to get out. This blog will be my way of dealing with my loss and hopefully help someone else who has lost their child. Maybe together we can help eachother heal and learn to live again. I will never be 100% but hopefully everyday will be a little bit better then the day before.

Jackson

November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Earlier this week I got into a discussion with a group of women about vaccination. I know right now I don't have to worry about it but it has been waying on my mind. Jackson got his 2 month needles and after that is when he got sick. Since then I have always wondered if that was part of the problem...along with his heart problem which still is inconclusive since we still haven't got a final autopsy report back.

Anyways working in childcare you hear a lot of things including information about vaccinations. I have met 3 different people who have told me their children were fine until they got their 18 month needles and then things took a turn and suddenly their children were diagnosed autistic. Now my paranoia is at a high. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. I know lots of people who don't get their children vaccinated and all of their children are fine, I also know lots of children who have been vaccinated and all of them are fine.

I just don't know if I am willing to take the risk, but is it a risk either way. I will have to keep researching this information because I just don't know what I would do right now. I guess I could research the heck out of it but their would probably be no conclusive answer.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Please be advised this is my opinion and only my opinion. You don't have to agree with me. You don't even have to like what I say. I know that everyone is different and processes things differently but I need to get out my " YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME" moment out and off my chest.

As I wrote before. I had a friend who recently lost her son. Tonight was his memorial. I just wanted to go wrap my arms around my friend and tell her how sorry I was for her loss. Having someone close to you who loses their child opens that wound again. I have thought so many times about Jackson the last couple of days. Looking at pictures of him, thinking about the last few hours he was alive at the hospital, remembering his smell. I miss him so much somedays and I don't even realize it. I guess I have learned to find a place to let the grief live in my life. When that wound is open again it takes over like it did before I found that place for it.

Tonight I think that the protector in me wanted to take over. Again my friend may be stronger and maybe more understanding then I was. After Jackson died, I didn't want to be around babies. Especially those that were the same age as him or even within their first year of life. When my sister had my nephew it took everything I had to go and hold him. I remember crying while I was holding him. I chose to do that, my sister never forced me to do that. Tonight someone thought it was a bright idea to bring their baby (actually two people thought it would be smart to bring babies) to a memorial for a baby. First of all, um who brings a baby to a memorial in the first place, second who brings a baby to a memorial for a baby.

Yes, I know what it means to support your friends in a time of need, but there are these new things called babysitters. I know that some people don't feel comfortable leaving their baby with a totally stranger, and sometimes grandma and grandpa have their own shit to do. So rotate with with someone else. The first person goes in and then hand off the baby, then the other person goes. Why rub salt in a wound that was just opened. I mean THINK! Oh I am so sorry that your baby died, but hey looking at my perfectly healthy baby. I bet if you google baby memorial etiquette, the first thing will be, DON'T BRING A BABY!

Like I said before. Its my opinion and only mine. Everyone processes their grief differently. I do dumb things all the time. I just don't know if that would be one of them.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Yesterday I had a moment. I was looking at my stomach and was rubbing it because I wasn't feeling well and I had heartburn like no other and I was feeling kinda sick(3 pregnancy tests later and still not pregnant). Anyways I babysit for this women who is pregnant and she is due around the same time as when I was suppose to be due. Actually come to think of it I have 3 women who are close to me that are due around the same time. I was admiring her belly and I realized if I had not had my miscarriage I would have that belly. I would be admiring my belly and maybe people would be doing the same. I recently went into my Maternity clothes bucket because I remembered I had some regular tank tops in there from when I lent them to my sister. As I was sifting through them I forgot some of the sweet clothes I had for summer. I would be wearing those clothes right now if I had not had the miscarriage. I would know right now what I was having, boy or girl. Tim and I would be discussing names and maybe trying to sift through Jackson's room trying to make sense of everything that is in there.

Anyways at that rubbing my belly moment I realized that I haven't let myself think about the miscarriage since it happened. I had a lot of things going on in February so I guess I just didn't let myself grieve for the baby I lost as I was grieving a year without Jackson. I would be about 23 weeks, over half way to the finish line. I would be rubbing my belly, waddling around, feeling the baby move. 23 weeks. Right now I am zero weeks pregnant and about 2 weeks until I go in for laproscopic surgery. Which really means the dr is going to go in with a camera and look at whats going on in my womb. I don't think he is going to find anything. At least that is what I hope. A guess another thing I haven't thought about too much. Which leaves me with why am I not getting pregnant. I am hoping that he offers me some drugs or I might beg him. I don't care if I get pregnant with 2 or 3. I don't care if he lies to me and tells me their drugs to get me pregnant but really they are just aspirin. Maybe it will trick my mind into thinking they will help. I just want to be the one who gets to shout from the roof tops that we did it. I will have to wait for at least another 2 months before we can try again. I think it will be good to take a break.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Whenever I hear of another mother joining our group it breaks my heart. A good friend and coworker recently just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, he only stayed for a few short days before he left his parents. I wish I could take away the pain and the long road ahead. No matter how short or long a life is, that life mattered. I just hope the other people around her understand that. Please pray for my friend, to get through this.

About Me

My name is Lindsay. November 2nd, 2009 I became a mother to a beautiful baby boy that we named Jackson. He was perfect and wonderful, he even came out with a full head of red hair. On February 28th, 2010 I went the through the worst tragedy any mother could go through. My Jackson died. I took him the the hospital because his cold wasn't getting any better and within 24 hours my son died. I miss him every minute of everyday. He was the best part of our life and always will be.

The night before Jackson's funeral I wrote a poem. I never intended on it going any further then myself. Then I read it to my boyfriend, mom and dad. She thought that at the funeral that I should get someone to read it.

I sat and thought about someone else reading the words I wrote about Jackson. I wanted to read those words but I knew that it would be hard to read them but I had to do it for Jackson. This is what I read for him.

I never thought this day would come, it wasn't suppose to be this way. We only had 4 short months to laugh and sing and play. I spend my waking hours thinking how unfair is this, you were a little boy who brought so much joy to everyone you met. Now I have to say my final goodbye to you, still hoping that tomorrow that this is all untrue. I waited 9 months to meet you and I can wait a little more until I someday too, knock on heavens door. In the meantime while I wait I will hold your memory tight and share with those who knew, exactly what you meant to me and that you were my dream come true. Now I will let your spirit go, with all the love I have and be as strong as you were when mommy and daddy asked. Don't forget the lessons that we tried to teach, and don't forget to send us a sign when the other side you've reached. So keep that piece of my heart you took, I will be just fine because no one could ever replace it even if they tried. Then one day when we meet again we will just get a little glue, and put it back together all red and shiny and new. I love you always and forever Jackson, you are and always will be my beautiful blue eyed, red haired boy