John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

With multiple deaths in a short period of time...just as we start being able to keep our head above the emotional waterline, another wave comes and pushes us under. (Published 8-2-11)

Q:

Nancy from CA writes: I lost both my parents this past year a couple of months apart. My mom's death was somewhat expected, but not my dad's. I feel a tremendous loss and pain. I keep capturing all the sad moments of this past year. I feel as though I"m experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome. Do you have any suggestions? I have both of them on my mind constantly. Please help!!!

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Nancy,

Ouch, your emotional plate is full.

Part of the problem with multiple deaths in a short period of time is that even if or when we feel we are starting to be able to keep our head above the emotional waterline, another wave comes and pushes us under.

It's difficult enough to adapt to the absence of one important person from our life, but two—and especially parents—is overwhelming.

Adapting to the natural grief of life without them here is only one element of the problem. There's also the matter of what is left emotionally unfinished in the relationships with each of them—that is all the things you wish had been different, better, or more, and all the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future. That's true for all relationships whether they were good, bad, or mixed.

We are not doctors or psychologists so we will not comment on the idea that you may be experiencing PTSD, but we know for sure you are experience grief.

Like most grievers, you're probably courageous and would be willing to take actions to help yourself, if only you knew what those actions were. We suggest you go to the bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. It clearly outlines the actions you can take to help yourself become emotionally complete with each of your parents, which will help diminish or even eliminate that sense of constantly capturing the sad moments. It will help you have fond memories not turn painful for you, and enable you to begin to retake a productive place in your life, even though they are gone. And, the sense that you are affected by PTSD will most likely go away.