A Feminist Helps Men With Relationship Game

And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had for her.

- Genesis 1:6-14

I hate the term “oneitis.” Unrequited love needn’t be so dreadful to think about. After all, “oneitis” is only bad if you have it. But it’s good if her love is unrequited for you. So how can you as a man get babes to fall head over heels for you? You need to understand how the process of love works. You need to read Love and Limerence.

Published in 1979, Love and Limerence is one of the first American books to create a methodological study on the experience of being in love, and, to top it off, it was written by a feminist! Her name is Dorothy Tennov, and I suppose she represents one of those old-school breeds of feminists who weren’t interested in emasculating men but instead gender parity. I don’t think these kinds of feminists even exist anymore, so Love and Limerence is both interesting for its psychological breakdown of love and historical relevance of a time when feminism was not pure evil.

The word “limerence” is defined as the process that describes romantic love. According to Tennov, romantic love follows a common psychological process:

Intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or “LO”), who is a possible sexual partner.

Acute longing for reciprocation.

Dependency of mood on LO’s actions, or more accurately, your interpretation of LO’s actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation.

Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (exceptions occur only when limerence is at low ebb — early on or in the last fading).

Some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation.

Fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LO’s presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes.

Intensification through adversity (at least, up to a point).

Acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent “reasonable” explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO.

An aching of the “heart” (a region in the center front of th e chest) when uncertainty is strong.

A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background.

A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative, even to respond with a compassion for the negative and render it, emotionally if not perceptually, in another positive attribute.

Does any of the above sound familiar to you, dear reader? The aching in the chest? The longing for a romantic partner who may or may not know about you? The sexual fantasies involving you saving her from some ill-happenstance which only reunites her in your arms (or you in his arms)? The ability to ignore all warning signs that a sexual partner is toxic and will destroy you? This is just limerence, the involuntary process that evolved to make sure the opposite sexes pair bonded enough to produce children and rear families. As if you thought you had free will. Nature has bigger plans for you. Your will means nothing.

The story of Romeo and Juliet is the iconic story of limerence; the conflict between the two families that serve as the catalyst to intensify the limerence until both lovers are ready to die for their love. Had the two families just let Romeo and Juliet bang, then their relationship would have merely run its course until 10 years later Romeo would think to himself, “What the hell was I thinking?”

Unrequited Love

There is perhaps nothing sadder than to watch a player hang up his game and retire into a life of matrimony. His single friends can only ask, “What the hell is he thinking?” But now you know — he’s been captured by the limerent process and nature now owns him. Short of murdering his object of affection, there is nothing you can do to save the person wrapped up in limerence. It is the unstoppable process that has grown humanity billions strong.

Thus, if you, the socially savvy man who desires to reverse-engineer nature’s machinations for his own ends, want to profit from the knowledge of limerence, I have two recommendations for you. First, read the book in its entirety so you understand the concept of limerence properly. It’s an easy read and the parts about how Freudian psychotherapists would seduce their female patients by making them feel vulnerable is hilarious.