Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

Mourning of self

It has now been almost 14 mos. I find that as much as I continue to mourn Tom I am now mourning me. The me that I was before he died. I was a more joyful, spontaneous, and a much happier person. I liked who I was. I was content and happy with life. Now I don't know who I am or how to be happy. I am angry that I have to figure out who I am alone. And wonder what life has ahead for me. How do I figure out who I am without him? I miss him more than life. Does anyone know what I mean?

i feel the same way. He was my life and without him I am lost. I miss the person I used to be before he went into the hospital. I was basically always in control. Now I seem to be listless with no motivation to do anything.I was always a &quot;bottom line&quot; person and now I have no clue what is ahead. I hate the unknown. Happy? I have no clue as to the definition of that word. Maybe someday I will once again know.

I definitely know what you mean. My husband has been gone 4 months. I don't know who I am, how I am going to do this on my own, and I am currently just numb. Seems like it was all a dream. Seems like he never existed, but I have pictures of us happy and smiling. I have been forcing myself to get out, try new things, make new friends. However, nothing is the same. My identity is gone.

Hi,
I know how you feel. Rich was my everything, every day. Now, I seem to roam around like a lost sheep. You feel like a square peg in a round hole. I am not the happy, fun-filled person I used to be.
I used to wake up, see the sun shining and smile, but now it has no meaning to me whatsoever.
An enormous piece of me died the day Rich did and that is never coming back. We have no choice but to accept it, but I wish we were left a &quot;manual&quot; on how to deal with everything.
Love and prayers to you...Mo

I think we all do know what you mean. Who would want to have to remake their whole lives and come up with a new identity? It's worse than going through puberty again! And it's kind of like that - where is my place in the world? what will I do with my life? what am I good for? will I always be alone? how do I make new friends? why does everything feel so wrong? who am I now? Only this time we have to go through it with half the energy and ten tons of obligations and responsibilities. Oh yeah, I know what you mean.... Love and Hugs, Martha

I know exactly how you feel too. It will be two years this November and I still feel so lost. I want to be the happy, &quot;loving life&quot; person I used to be but I know I can never go back to being the exact person I was. Right now I feel like I just need to put myself on hold and live my life through my 15 year old daughter. Be there for her and get her out of high school and then I can try to start some kind of life again, somehow.... I wish this part of LIFE was something that could be taught and we knew what to do. Even though we think we are choosing our new path, we already have our paths chosen for us. I just hope they are HAPPIER!!!!

I think you were in my head! I posted a journal entry yesterday asking basically the same thing you are. I'm also at 14 months. And yes, my mourning has taken a left turn, and a lot of it is about myself. I keep going back, to the years even before my marriage, to find the essence of who I was. I've realized it's helpful, but futile - 24 years of marriage to Joe molded me as much as the 28 years of singlehood before him. It's somehow taking the best of both and trying to figure it out from here on in. And, I may add, being somewhat resistant to the process. I know exactly what you mean. Hugs, Marsha

Yes, it's all about starting over again. It's funny that today as I was painting a wooden screen door, the thought came to me that &quot;yes, this would of been something that I would do if my husband was here or not&quot;, but to actually replace the old screen in the door...that would of been his part of the project. Simple enough...but we were a team and loved every minute of it! That feeling of being a team is just gone, even though some days I feel like he is right beside me when I am doing some kind of home project. He taught me a lot in do it yourself projects!

We were so blessed and always told each other how lucky we were.
It's all about re-thinking what to do for the next 30 some years that we were supposed to still be together in. The closeness and companionship is very hard to overcome at times! Katie

Thanks everyone and hugs to you all!! I feel blessed to know you are all there for me and anyone who else who stops by. I guess my resistance to this change is because it is another way I am letting him go. That is all I have done since he died.
We give up everything to include who we are. It is loss after loss after loss and so few people - outside of this group - understand how difficult and painful that is.

One last thought that I forgot to include....imagine that, forgetting something...sound familiar? HA!! Anyway, I was in Cabela's this evening since it is next to my hotel and I was looking for something for my son. As I strolled through, I saw the perfect sign for ALL of us:

I will stand tall, I am strong, I am a survivor.

Now if only it didn't have a hunting scene on it.....And so it goes.

By the way, if you ever decide you are ready for male companionship, you could find it there or some place similar. I forgot how male a place like that can be. I felt quite awkward and out of place.

i am 15 weeks into my life alone and I don't really understand myself at all - as you so rightly say, the person we all once were, has died. Noone will ever know us in the same way and no relationship will ever replace the one that is gone.
However I believe that our loved ones are still with us and that we are still part of them and they of us, otherwise the relationship would have been a sham and without meaning. Their love and their values, hopes and ideals are a part of us all and will enable us to live on with them by our side.
It is so hard not to despair and to fall into darkness and sorrow but they loved us and so we should now try to love ourselves and to be the wonderful person they saw in us.
Perhaps happiness and contentment are not to be, at least not in the near future, but we can be proud of our love and be proud of what it has made us and hold that close in our hearts.
Love to you
Margaret

Its 14 months for me too since my husband of 53 years passed away. I know what you mean.I actually seem worse now then I was a few months ago.
I just seem to be at a standstill. I get up in the morning and cant get going. My car sits there as I don't go anywhere unless I have to.
Everything seems hopeless. I have 4 adult choldren 2 here 2 in another city. I am going to visit my daughter again for 2 weeks and I will have to force myself to go. She is coming to take me there.
I hope you feel better soon.

I too, feel like I have lost who I was. I have always been such a serious person, but my husband made me laugh every single day. Since he died, I rarely laugh. I just don't find things funny anymore. Even the things that we laughed at together when he was alive, like commercials.. it just all seems to have lost the humour.

He was my strength. Without him I feel so insecure in myself. He always encouraged me and made me feel strong and smart, without him I doubt everything I do... I always knew that he was such a strong support, but I never considered what it would be like if I lost him. I just thought I had learnt new ways to be a better person, but now I realize I depended on him so much. I still have so much to work through, but I do know exactly what you mean. I hope it gets easier for you. :)

I lost my love on 11/09/2017. He had never really had health issues. He worked all day long the Friday before. Early (2am) 11/06 he woke me and gently said "Baby I need to talk to you" . I sat up quickly because I knew something must be wrong. He said he had indigestion for about the last our and Tums did not help. He did not seem to be in distress but he was trying to protect me as usual. I...

There wasn't anything Bob couldn't fix!!!. He was good at everything and took care of it quickly. It's always something.!!!! Now One of the toilets is leaking. I guess it's good that it's the one on the first floor. I called a plumber yesterday. He wouldn't be able to come till tomorrow. This morning I decided to call someone who can be here this afternoon.It's one of those...

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