A Guide To Meeting Your Heroes

We all have hopes, dreams and aspirations. Some of them are more realistic than others. My dream of wanting to punch a penguin is more attainable than Henrys; he wants to sniff one of Scarlett Johansson’s shoes. Scarlett is surrounded by security, walls and jealous boyfriends all of which have proven to be great obstacles in Henry’s quest for quality footwear aromas. However the penguin enclosure at the Seal Life Sanctuary in Skegness is less well protected as they found out to their cost.

Back and to the Left punching nature in the balls since 2008

With hopes and dreams comes heroes. People who have shaped and defined what our dreams should be. These could be sports stars such as Dwayne Chambers, proving once again as long as you look sorry you can cheat as much as you want, or movie idols whose films tell us how to live our lives. John McClane taught us all that any Christmas blues can be chased away with a MP5, a couple of pounds of plastic explosives and a unforgettable catchphrase. Back and to the Left have their own inspirations from the world of comedy we look up to these people as much as hookers look up at footballers. At the moment we are avid followers of the little known comedy duo C & O who have us in stitches every time they open their mouths. We suggest you check out their newest sketch called “The Budget” it is absolute comedy gold, especially their “Pastry Tax” bit. Fucking priceless!

But us like a lot of people will never get the chance to meet their heroes or if they do they will be that overcome with (what you humans call) emotion that they will sink to the floor in a sexual frenzy. So here is Back and to the Lefts guide to meeting your heroes.Step One: Establishing Contact

This is what we used before the IPhone

This is important as you need to make your hero aware that you exist. Celebrities live in a magical bubble that they and their circle of advisors have constructed around them. Their only access to the outside world comes via social networking sites such as Twitter. So locate your hero on Twitter and begin “following”them, this way you can read the thoughts of your hero. Much like an internet Uri Geller.

Once you start “following” your target begin to let them know (subtly) that you are there and available. So if Keira Knightly ever needs a shoulder (or penis) to cry on, she’ll know your around. You can do this by replying to and retweeting everything they say.@Keiraknightly:“‘nother rough day shooting scenes for the new film. I smell like a sewer!”@BATTL: You can wipe you sweaty pits over us anytime baby. LOLStep Two: So Your Hero Got You Banned From Twitter

You are banished from the realm of Twitter until you stop telling celebrities about your nipples

No we don't understand the unilateral banning either, I mean we said “LOL” isn’t that the international every things cool word? Fucks sake.But don't despair! Although this is a set back getting to know your heroes online is no substitute for getting to know them in the flesh. The sweet, soft, pale unblemished flesh of a Hollywood starlet.

Step Three: Information Gathering.

If your reading this guide were going to assume you have no job, loved ones or commitments (much like us) and as such have plenty of free time to get to know your hero on a much more personal level. And what’s more personal than having a quick look through someone’s rubbish!

Ah bins and all you can eat buffet of life. And bin juice

Are we suggesting you root through Keiras’ rubbish like some sort of perverted hungry fox in a desperate attempt to find pants? No of course not. What we are saying is methodically look through all her unwanted items to locate the evidence that she printed off your hundreds of love emails and read them every night before she went to sleep. See that is the perfectly reasonable explanation as to why were doing this. However if you do come across pants, all the better!Step Four: Maintaining A VigilOne thing most young, beautiful, famous women have in common is the fact that they are targets for a lot of things. Terrorists, animal rights campaigners and charities are among the many desperate groups vying for your beloved’s attention. So it is your job, no, your sworn duty to protect her from such things because who knows Keira better than the dude whose just gone through her rubbish and spent the last three weeks trying to take hair samples off the car door handles?

There's nothing wrong with your bathroom wall now keep pooping!

The best way to make sure no undesirables bother her in between her 9:15am jog and her 10:30am shower is to set up a camouflaged position on the opposite side of the street. Get yourself a set of binoculars with night vision this will mean you can watch for enemies at all hours of the day. Remember you must stay as hidden as possible because Keira might mistake your alertness for something as trivial as stalking. So be prepared to catheter yourself as you might have to stay in your position for several days at a time. You may end each week saturated in your own leavings but at least you know you’ve done a job well done.

Step Four: Dealing With Your Heroes Love

After several hard months of surveillance, cold calling (to make sure no one else was screening your phone calls to her) and bin rummaging Keira (or whoever your chosen one is) is ready to make actual real contact with you. She’ll have gotten to know your quite well what with all the packages of bondage gear you’ve sent to her as well as several graphic drawings of you and her using said items. So when she returns the favour and sends you a letter you cannot disguise your joy, and celebrate in the usual Back and to the Left way downing a can of Kestrel Super Strength whilst nipple twisting one another. Keira wants to meet us! In a place called court! Only problem is we have no idea where it is and the police won’t let us anywhere near her house.Note: Back and to the Left have just been told that C & O are not a comedy duo but Prime Minister and Chancellor. Looks like voters collectively took their eye off the ball there didn’t they? All photos from www.freedigitalphotos.net check em out. There's no porn though.