A Show Of All Shows

Get Serious!

"After I move to Beverly Hills," my neighbor Biffle announced to me, "you can have my lawn mower. I won't be needing it, since my gardener will take care of all the outdoor landscaping for me."

Whoa, Biffle, I replied. What's this about you going to La-La Land?

"I'm going to be the next fabulously successful television producer, that's what."

Congratulations, Biffle, but I didn't know you were in show business at all.

"All it takes is the right idea, and I got the idea for the greatest television show ever. Want me to tell you about it?"

Sure. What's the show about?

"Nothing in particular. In fact that's it, it's a show about nothing. You see, there are these four friends, three men and one woman, who hang out together, and they have these funny ..."

Wait a minute, Biffle. It sounds like you're describing "Seinfeld," that hit TV series that ran for years.

"Exactly. Didn't you seek last week's issue of TV Guide, with its list of the 50 greatest TV shows ever? It said that 'Seinfeld' was the No. 1 show of all time. So I figure a show like that is a shoo-in."

Biffle, you can't expect the television honchos to go for something that is just a copy of something else.

"Oh no? Then how come half the movies coming out this summer are sequels or remakes? But I haven't told you everything about what will make this show great."

Go on, Biffle.

"So you have these four friends, one woman and three men. Well, the woman is a ditzy redhead who wants to get into show business, and the men are a bus driver, a loudmouthed bigot and a Mafia boss."

"Nah, this will be a show with substance. It will tackle serious issues, like government secrets and political corruption and shady business dealings."

It will?

"Sure. The No. 6 show was '60 Minutes.'"

Where will this show be set? It sounds like you've got a lot of New York characters.

"New York it is, but every year the characters will take a vacation in a homey, wholesome, small town in North Carolina."

"The Andy Griffith Show" ranked high, I take it.

"In the top 10. And did I mention that this show would be done as a cartoon, and that all the characters would have yellow skin?"

I get the picture, Biffle. But it sounds like a hopeless mish-mosh.

"You're just envious because you'd didn't think of it first. But I admit the show will need some unifying element, so every episode will start with an opening monologue. Letterman and Carson were numbers 7 and 12, you know. The only problem is, I need a way to get a doctor into the regular cast."

I get it. Doctor shows were ...

"'St. Elsewhere,' 'E.R.' and 'MASH,' all in the top 25. Maybe the Mafia character -- I think I'll call him Tony Baritone -- could be always beating up people, so then they'd have to go to the hospital."

I was wondering what kinds of plots you could come up with.

"A lot of them would be built around guest-star characters, of course. I can think of stories involving appearances by a young, single woman working in TV news, a frontier marshal, a pair of FBI investigators, and a mysterious one-armed man. Also some stand-up comics, Chinese acrobats and an Italian mouse."

Comics? Acrobats? A mouse?

"Hey, Ed Sullivan came in at No. 15."

I'm sorry, Biffle, but this will never work. Isn't there anything in your TV show that would be original?

"Original? Of course not. This is television we're talking about."

Biffle, you're absolutely crazy.

"In that case, who should be my shrink? No. 34 Frasier or No. 44 Bob Newhart?"

Tony Gabriele can be reached at 247-4786 or by e-mail at tgabriele@dailypress.com.