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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Okay, so this isn't really any great lighting experiment, but this light stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't even take these on the same day. But both times when I walked past the laundry room and saw that morning light I grabbed both my iPhone and Nikon and snapped away. Those of you who follow me on IG saw these. I love light like this. Dramatic. Just a peek of brightness in the darkness. Illuminating a pillow and shoes I'm protecting from the jaws of sweet Sammy. Casting an intricate pattern of light and shadows on the floor. This kind of light inspires me. This is why I pick-up my camera. Anyone else would have walked right on by, but when you've taken pictures long enough you notice the light. It stops you, it makes your heart skip a beat. It makes you wonder at the details of your life. My dirty, ugly, piled-high-with-stuff laundry room - made beautiful by a sliver of morning light. These may very well be two of my favorite photos this year (well, besides all of my photos of my Maxwell.)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I was trying to make a list of 39 things I wanted to do before I turn 40, but realized I'd never find enough things to put on the list. So, instead you get 39 things about me. I'm sure some of these will be repeats of things I've already told you.

1. My favorite color is blue.
2. I've lived in Redmond, WA; Seattle; Missoula, MT; and now Camas, WA.
3. I never thought I'd move away from my hometown. I always thought I'd raise my child in the town I grew-up in.
4. I really hope to move back to Seattle someday.
5. I'm overly sensitive. So much so that I annoy myself sometimes. I wish I didn't feel things so deeply.
6. I tend to run late, but I'm working on it.
7. I've had five surgeries, one broken bone, three trips to the ER and two rides in an ambulance.
8. I clean when I'm angry. Clean and cry.
9. Clutter kind of drives me crazy, but I tend to create a lot of it so I guess I can't complain too much. Let's just say other peoples' clutter drives me crazy. ;)
10. I spend far too much time in my head. Most days I don't know how to turn off the over-thinking of everything.
11. I have an older brother, Weston, who was born on the Fourth of July. He plays guitar, piano, and also sings. He is uber talented. He's also super smart. I'm very glad he is my brother. :) And he is super lucky to have his birthday as a paid vacation day every year. (It should be noted that I was due on the Fourth of July...)
12. I used to play the clarinet, flute, and piano.
13. In junior high the various bands at school recorded an album. Two years in a row. I am on vinyl, friends. :) And if you have a record player, I will let you take a listen.
14. I'm terrified of bees and wasps.
15. I used to spend money like crazy, thinking it would fill that empty place inside. It only took me me 38 years to realize no amount of buying stuff will fill that spot.
16. I'm stubborn. I want things my way, but then again who doesn't?
17. I don't do well with last minute plans. I need time to think about and "digest" the plans.
18. I'm a homebody. Not a party gal. I'd much rather hang-out on my couch watching TV or reading or cruising the web.
19. I didn't go to prom. I didn't go to any high school dances.
20. I'm pretty much exhausted all of the time. I partly blame my seizure meds. Feeling tired all of the time is mentally exhausting.
21. I have known my best friends from college since 1994. They are the best!
22. Getting older scares me. And watching my parents get older scares me even more.
23. After almost a year, I still think about Maggie every day. Oddly, having Sammy makes me think about Maggie more. I think I secretly (okay, so not a secret anymore) wish Sammy was more like Maggie.
24. I love chocolate cake, bloody Marys, and Italian food. Not all at the same time, of course. Though a slice of chocolate cake after a nice Italian meal would be just fine with me. And chocolate cake is the best breakfast meal.
25. I will never be a morning person. I love to sleep-in. I'm a night owl. Lately I've been staying up far too late, which is making the getting-up early a lot harder.
26. I tend to keep to myself. See #18.
27. I watch too much TV and don't read enough books.
28. My favorite job was working as a Program Coordinator for the UW School of Medicine Continuing Medical Education Office. I had the greatest manager! My least favorite job - receptionist at Puget Sound Energy.
29. I love the beach. I'll take a trip to the beach any day over a trip to the mountains. I haven't been to the beach since summer of 2010. I'm getting a little antsy to go again.
30. I don't know how to swim and I don't like seafood. I paired these two together because seafood does know how to swim. ;)
31. I'm not a get-up-and-go person.
32. I like to be on the outside edge of a group of people - for example, the back of the class or movie theater. I don't like to have a lot of people behind me. I like to be able to see as much of what's going on as possible. I also don't like to have my back to windows or doors .
33. I like it to be completely dark and completely silent when I sleep. I'm a light sleeper.
34. I think tanning beds should be banned. It's one thing for people to go outside and tan or get burned. It's another to take money from people to knowingly increase their risk of skin cancer. (Kind of how I feel about cigarettes, too.)
35. Five years ago today I had lunch with one of my best friends. It was the last time I saw her. I think about her every single day.
36. I really, really wish people would put down their phones and just drive.
37. I truly believe cell phones will be are the ultimate downfall of the human relationship.
38. I have never been to Hawaii or Disneyland, but I have been to Disney World.
39. I'm a little terrified of turning 40 next year.

No photos, but a little Jimmy Buffet and Martina McBride for you to enjoy...Trip Around the Sun.

Friday, June 15, 2012

My Dad. A few things about my dad:
He doesn't do anything half-way. He gives everything he's into 150%. The lengthy list has included: gymnastics, swimming, running, karate, skiing, biking, yoga and photography. (I'm sure I've forgotten something...) He's kinda done it all.
He worked his entire career at Boeing as an aeronautical engineer. Even though he's retired, he's still an engineer. ;-)
It used to drive me crazy how he'd always tell my brother and me that we could get straight As in school in high school and college. But I now realize that he was right. He was really trying to teach us was that we were and still are capable of doing anything, if we work hard for it. Really, he is living proof of this if you read the first item on this list. Work hard and you can achieve anything.
He's the person I get the talkative gene from.
He worked very hard all of those years at the Big B, so as to give my brother and me the best he could offer in life. He provided both my brother and me with a college education, believing as I do, that the greatest thing you can do for your children is give them an education. I didn't really realize how great a gift this really was until I was out of college and heard of friends having to start paying on loans or how friends had to pay their own way through college. An amazing gift.
He's the funny one in the family. Don't get me wrong, he can be very serious and a wee bit stern at times. But most of the time he's the one who's helping me laugh about something I'm being far too uptight about. My brother gets the funny gene from my dad.
He knows what he wants. I used to think this was a bad thing when I was a kid, but now that I'm older I have learned from him that knowing what you want is a great thing.
He is honest. Again, this is another one that I didn't really care for when I was a kid living at home. But now I get it. In certain settings I am not afraid to speak my mind or tell people the hard things they might not want to hear.
He's really organized and really good at explaining things in great detail.
He reads directions and isn't afraid to look at a map.
My dad has taught me so many things in the past 38 years. This is just a small sampling of the lengthy list I could write. He was and is still there for my brother and me. He would do absolutely anything for us if need be. And that's really is all a daughter could ask for. Knowing your childhood provider and protector is still there for you as an adult - an amazing gift of love.
Oh, and that little guy on his shoulders? He's the last in the line of people with Roth in their name. Max Roth Meisgeier shares his name with my dad's grandfather, Max Roth. My dad is 500% into that little guy. Believe me, if you could see the thousands (I kid you not) of photos of Max on my dad's external hard drive, you'd spend days looking at photos. Maybe even a week. And my dad would have stories to tell about each photo, and a HUGE grin on his face.
Dad, a thousand thanks will never be enough for all that you have done for me.
I love you.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

They left last Sunday afternoon. Eric took Max up to Seattle with him this past week. Max got to spend the week with Omi & Opa (Meisgeiers) and Gma & Gda (Roths) while Eric worked in Seattle. Dare I say my week was blissful?...I was desperate for a break.

A few things I learned during my week alone:

1. I did not - even for one moment - miss hearing the sound of my voice nagging Max to do this or that, or stop doing this or that, or get clothes on, or eat, or wash hands, or stop bugging the dog.

2. My natural tendency is toward the lazy end of the continuum. I spent one whole day in my PJs watching Greys Anatomy DVDs.(Side note: I still dislike George O'Malley. Izzie is still annoying. I have grown to love Bailey. And McDreamy is so much cuter than McSteamy. I watched all of season three!)

3. Even with no one around, I still occasionally want to talk. So I just talked to Sammy a bit more than normal. I think she liked it.

4. Silence is nice. Very nice.

5. I "do" being alone pretty well. Maybe too well. I could have gone the entire week and not talked to anyone or done anything with anyone and would've been just fine. (I'm a cancer the crab - I like to retreat to the safety of my little shell.)

6. Five nights in my own bed - ALL night with no little person coming to get me to get in my bed or have me follow him to his bed = HEAVENLY!

7. My list of social activities included: dinner and photo walk with Barbara, dinner with my brother and his new fiancee, drinks with a girlfriend Thursday night, and photos of triplets Friday. A fun week.

8. A little piece of me misses my single, child-free days.

9. A much larger piece of my really missed my little Maxwell. :)

My week long "me" party was nice. It was so desperately needed. I'm hoping it will be like rebooting my computer after weeks of encountering the blue screen of death. I'm hoping to start anew with a better attitude towards parenting and keeping my stress level in check.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I spend a lot of time looking in. Maybe too much time. I get stuck in my head and just spin on that little hamster wheel like it's going out of style. Round and round I go... I'm an endless supply of internal questioning. And I've got ruminating down pat.

Lately I've spent time on that wheel worrying about the little guy in my life and his behavior. He talks back, and talks back big time. He gets very angry about little things. It feels like he doesn't respect me. I feel like I've become "that" mom with "that" kid - you know the one - the one you see talking back to his mom or dad, the one making the scene and getting angry in public. And to be quite honest I'm embarrassed by it all, and I don't know what to do or where to start. I'm paying the price for not doing the hard work of tough discipline when he was younger. I am partly to blame for his monsterish moments. And I know that if I don't hurry-up and do the tough work now, things won't get any better and might get worse. He's a smart kid. I know all moms say that, but really, he's going to keep me on my toes. Even his speech therapist agrees. He's smart and cute and so, so sweet. And I'd like to wrap him up in a huge hug and just never let go. I wish I could make all of the struggles of growing-up go away. Being five is hard work. And it's got to be hard to deal with us big people telling him what to do or what not to do. Yep, even weeks shy of 39, growing up is tough.

So that's where I've been lately.

Looking in.

In my head.

Spinning 'round and 'round...thinking about my son.

I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do most days.

So I just keep spinning...

(Max was upset because Dad had let Sammy out to go potty and Sammy took-off. He thought his doggy was gone forever and never coming back. Luckily Gda - my dad - was there to comfort him.)