So today was a very flat day actually, today woke up stressed, nervous, scared and exhausted. Today we are meeting up with mum @2:30pm at iconic in Westfield, kinda anxious as it’s the first time I’ll see her in 2 months, I just feel like curling up in a ball and never leaving tbh, this is going to be massive for me. I’m scared she’s gonna go nuts at me or something.

Adam seems calm and collected, he says he’s not nervous personally only nervous for me, I just hope nothing bad happens as this will really destroy me, I’m so scared I don’t know what to do. Agh

So we met up with “bitch” and I swear I wanted to rip her to shreds, the look in her face was nothing but disgust, asking the same question THREE times is stupid tbh, Adam and I both left feeling more pissed then we expected. She was totally judging me.

When she mentioned “her demons” I wanted to laugh at her ridiculousness. The fuck woman? I’m not stupid….you’ve been researching too, ain’t fucking hard to say. Argh!!

So I’ve been reading a lot of blogs all day today and yesterday, and I keep having this nagging questions at the back of my head, can someone with DID have BPD?

Okay so this is the first time I’ve never “blogged” my thoughts and feeling so please go easy on me.
I just would like help actually.

People asks me what my childhood was like, and I don’t know at all, I can’t remember ANYTHING, my childhood is a black void. Not sure why, mum always said I was a happy, funny kid…but I just don’t remember that, she said that at the age of 12 I just clammed up, something must have happened, what happened to me? Did I hit my head and get amnesia? Not that I remember….then the doctors told me that as a child there was traumatic event and I started to “dissociate” whatever that means……. now here I am, trying to figure out what may have happened.

At 25 and I don’t know who I am that’s so screwed up, usually at 20 you start to get an idea of who you are, so at 25 not knowing is a big concern to mne.

So I have DID never knew I had it, I thought I had schizophrenia with voices in my ahead. Having blank spaces during the day, my partner started bringing up things I did, but I had NO recollection of them. So we went to the ER to get assessed, That turned out that I had something wrong with me so they admitted me into a mental hospital. Oh my god was that daunting, I’ve done it before in 2012, for sever depression and Sever Anxiety. But this one was different, the people scared the hell out of me, but I did stay and get the treatment that I needed, no I’m not “cured” but I’m managing better, I’m home struggling still as this is hard to deal with.

So I’m waiting for my psychologist who is on a week break (public health system sucks lol) and I’m going insane, I have so many questions to ask but I have no-one to answer them, as my partner is just as flabbergasted.

Everything we’ve read makes absolutely no sense, everything I read is not what happens to me, the thing is when I asked my psychologist about this a few weeks ago her answer was “this case has never been heard of, so stop reading so much, this is new and everyone is different”. That doesn’t help at all, not saying there isn’t ANYTHING that resonates with me, because there is.
It’s like I make 3 steps forwards and 2 steps back, this unpredictable roller coaster is actually doing my head in.