The “I” Saga

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

Life is never the way you want it to be, at the start, you are bought up in an unknown world where you have to follow certain traditions and conditions to fit into the trend that goes on according to the generation and age group you have identified yourself with. In a world where people are identified with labels, how can one ever be free to explore? It is happening everywhere around you, how can you ever be free of the conditions put by family, friends and high expectations you have set for yourself? Have you ever noticed this, how much stress, pressure and repetitive thoughts go on in your life to be sane, to fit in, to be satisfied with life? But are you really ever satisfied? Even after you do get accepted by people you see as significant, what then? What next? One goal achieved then you set yourself a higher goal to accomplish. It’s the best way to keep the mind busy. But why avoid the mind? Can you really say you have conquered your mind? Or are you tormented with it day in day out, with the indecisiveness and the fear? Have you noticed you are still trying to create a stable personality, to stand out in society, in front of people, in front of colleagues? These masks are the reason for your suffering. It takes great courage, to be you, to be original your most authentic self, beyond all conditioning and beliefs.

How is personality created, for me the most simplistic definition of personality is to gather up or learn desirable traits from people that you admire and try to apply it to your life, even if it is not you, you try to adjust to these changes because this will satisfy your ego and develop a social image acceptable according to your mind. Man is still identified, identified with the roles they have been given by others and roles they have given themselves. Whilst growing up I was constantly labeled as a shy and an introvert in front of others, which affected the way I perceived myself to be and further impacted my actions. I became more and quieter as it broke my confidence in myself everytime it was bought up, I was scared to speak, to express myself. This lack of confidence I had just because of one label, impacted my whole life when it came to acting, participating in conversation and group work. To others, I was socially awkward, so a victim of bullying also. I constantly sought approval for who I was. Whilst growing up and understanding better I realised I had to fill my insecurities in some way, so I started training, the more I looked good in front of the mirror, the more I was confident about myself, but this was just still physical, I was still very empty inside, I was seeking for satisfaction of who I was, being ambitious never helped one bit, when it came to satisfaction, I understood my suffering came from constantly seeking for more and when I did recieve it, I was satisfied, but still wanted more and more. The chain goes on, the cycle of life goes on. My insecurities were still not solved. What I learned to do after that was to go read classic self-help books and motivational books. They mention nothing about solving your past, instead tell you and give you ideas of how to be a completely different person to who you see yourself as now. So you kind of forget what has ever happened in your past and you start creating this image of the most successful human being in your mind, change the way you dress and start creating this illusion that everything is perfect now, you are in a better place a new identity, a new perception of life, now you live in your mind day in day out. I have done that, it felt like the change was positive at the start, I realized that whatever it may be it always feels good at the start. The more I tried to change myself according to what I saw as the Ideal me, the more pressure I put on myself, the more I suffered and in these moments I understood, that how can one change if they haven’t accepted themselves as they are? Why was I still seeking approval? Why can’t I just be happy with who I am? How can you still hold on to your past and try to change as a person also? One has to close the chapter of the past before they can ever be satisfied with the present and future. Who are you really trying to please? Love requires no conditions, why is your ego trip of becoming someone causing you so much pain and suffering? Why are you trying to be someone that you are not? I had to question everything in my life to break free and know the truth for itself.

The experience of my life is very simple, the more you are aware of why you actually do what you do, or why you actually act the way you do, you will sooner or later realize that it’s a waste of time, to change who you are for appreciation and acceptance of other people. If you are going to do something, do it because you feel like doing it. One has to know oneself first to do this, be utterly selfish understand oneself completely. Understand what makes you happy? What do you actually love doing?. It is very important to know, how you see yourself. Be aware of what kind of personality you are trying to hold on to. As thoughts change each moment so do you, all you have to do is realize this experience, be observant. Nothing is permanent in life, neither are the opinions of others which you have identified yourself as being over time. One has to be free of their past before they can ever be free of the chains of the mind. Be observant, meditate on the memories of the past you have been holding on to, that is restricting you from finding your true self. Go to the deepest roots of your most painful memories, see it for how it was don’t judge the memory, see what really happen and say to yourself “this happened to me, but this isn’t me”. The less you identify with the memories of the past, the more free you are. The more you disidentify yourself from the past, the freer you will become from the burdens of the past. Nothing in the material world ever satisfy you as much as the satisfaction of knowing who you really are, beyond all conditionings, beliefs, and fears. If you want to know more about yourself, check out my other blogs for more insight.

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” ― May Sarton

Enough for today.

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