Are female diners treated differently?

Server Lacey Carter takes the table’s order at House of Prime Rib in San Francisco.

“I would love to see you address the Oct. 7 New York Times article on gender roles in restaurants in your blog, and how it relates to the San Francisco dining scene, of course.”

Expected gender roles are so ingrained that it’s hard to know where good manners end and sexism begins. What I mean is that sexism, like racism, is pervasive and hard to pin down. It’s interesting to see how the possibility of sexism was played out in this article.
Bottom line: Of course there’s sexism in restaurants, whether in New York or San Francisco.

However, whether women are treated differently depends on two parties: the diners and the service staff. As previously detailed in the blog, rules of service are loosening. It may be OK for a server to bend down and talk directly to the patron or to serve food from the “wrong” side. What shouldn’t change is courtesy.

As was pointed out in the article, it used to be that women were given menus without prices; that has largely gone out of style. At more formal restaurants, waiters are still more likely to serve women first and automatically give the wine list to the man, but a simlilar dynamic happens with same-sex couples. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve ordered the wine, but the waiter presents the bottle to a more verbal male dining companion. If it was a man and woman, this might be seen as sexism, but it’s actually a sign of a waiter who is not paying attention.

Frank Bruni, the New York Times critic who wrote the article, says in his experience, “Women more often ask if a menu has leaner, healthier options. Men more often as if they can get a decent steak.”

That’s the opposite of what I’ve found; I’d say the majority of the time when I’m dining with women, they take to the steak, or pork chop or pork belly.

He also goes to talk about the uneven gender split in restaurants with some attracting more male and female. I’ve seen that here, but mostly at wine/bar restaurants such as Nectar or Cav. It seems to me these have become the feminine version of the sports bar.

A frequent complaint I hear from female diners is that when they’re with other women, they are treated differently. I’m sure in some cases that feeling is legitimate. I’ve had waiters email me that women generally don’t spend as much, don’t tip as well and linger longer at the table. However, in the slow-to-leave department, I’m sure a couple in the throes of romance is equally reluctant to vacate the table. It then becomes a waiter’s dilemma on how to pry them away without offending.

What it boils down to is the service staff. The best waiters read a table to determine whether to serve the woman first or to whom to give the bill. A good waiter is a psychologist, and is able to read the table. When they do that successfully, sexism becomes a moot point.