Before we get into difficult conversations, I want to give you somesimple but powerful strategies for improving your communication in general.I recommend using these every day, during your regular interactions.If you use them consistently, they should cut down the situations that could buildup to difficult conversations. First, use as many levels ofcommunication as you can. Humans pick up a lot of meaning from thenon verbal cues that we see and hear when we interact.This is why you should be careful using email and text to convey important information.That loss of non verbal information can have the other person hear a wholedifferent meaning than what you intended. The important thing here is that they allline up. For example, if you're praising yourteam's efforts, don't be shaking your head.

Or if you want to connect with some one on a personal level, don't meet in anoisy place. Second, clearly share your intent for the communication.If you state your goal, you'll increase the chances the receiver will hear it asyou mean it. You might say something like, the reasonI am calling you is to apologize for how the meeting went.Or, the purpose for this email is to confirm that you're coordinating thetrade show. Third, avoid over generalizing things.It's fairly common that when we care about something we state it more strongly.

But using phrases like you always or you never, are going to create defensivenessin the other person. Also avoid exaggerating, which is a formof generalizing. This is when ten minutes late becomes 20,or two missed meetings becomes three. Overstating things give the other persona place to counter you with examples, and then you're in an argument and notfocused on the goal you want to achieve. Fourth, speak for yourself.Use something called I statements. I statements are when you speak in thefirst person, to talk about your experiences and your feelings.

The goal is to convey the impact the other person's behavior has on you.For example, instead of saying, it annoys everyone when you're late to meetings.Say something like, when you're late to meetings I feel frustrated because I haveto rework the agenda on the fly. This will also help prevent you fromspeaking on behalf of others, which can make someone feel ganged up on.Now, let's switch to the receiver's perspective.There's also some good strategies to use when you're the receiver in the communication.First, be an active listener. Focus on what the other person is sayingand show that you're listening. Use non-verbal signals, such as noddingyour head to show agreement, or leaning forward to show interest.

Most importantly, avoid the temptation to start building your counter argument inyour head. The goal of active listening is to besure you're really hearing what the other person is trying to convey.Second, ask questions. When you're the receiver, you're goal isto make sure you're hearing the message accurately.If something's not clear, ask a question that will provide clarity.Third, confirm what you understand. One of my favorite techniques is calledparaphrasing, and you share back to the person what you think they said.This does not mean that you agree. You're just making sure that you got themessage correctly. For example, you might say, so, what I'mhearing you say is my lateness causes extra work for you and that's frustrating.

Finally, show your perspective. Once the other person feels heard, youcan now share what you think and feel. Hopefully, the other person who is nowthe receiver uses the same techniques of active listening and so on.Be as clear as possible. Identify where you are in agreement andwhere you disagree. If the situation is complex, take eachpiece separately. In the dialogue, you'll go back and forthusing the strategies for senders and receivers.During the conversation, you'll both increase your clarity and understanding.

Over time, as you have more and more successful communications, you'll alsobuild trust. Using these strategies for everydaycommunication will greatly enhance your effectiveness as well as your relationships.But difficult conversations are still going to happen, and these strategies arenot sufficient to get you through difficult conversation.Difficult conversations are unique, because the stakes are higher and ouremotions are stronger. So, let's turn our attention to how tosuccessfully have difficult conversations.

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Released

7/30/2013

Leadership coach and lynda.com director of learning and development Britt Andreatta shares her tips and strategies for having difficult conversations. In her four-phase model, you'll discover the situations that lead up to difficult conversations, decide when the conversation is warranted, prepare for the interaction, and monitor outcomes to ensure success.

Along the way, learn the secrets of turning difficult conversations into successful interactions that enhance communication and rapport. Improve both your professional and personal relationships, finding your way back from conflict through mutually successful outcomes.

Lynda.com is a PMI Registered Education Provider. This course qualifies for professional development units (PDUs). To view the activity and PDU details for this course, click here.The PMI Registered Education Provider logo is a registered mark of the Project Management Institute, Inc.

Topics include:

Understand why conversations go badly

Define the influence of power structures and patterns in a difficult conversation

Identify observable behaviors and use them to focus on facts and on how behaviors affect the business

Control the direction of a conversation

Build a blueprint from which to structure a conversation

Identify and prepare for resistance during a difficult conversation

Identify the conversational choices available to you when others resist your efforts