In terms of ridiculous entertainment industry stories, you'd be hard-pressed to come up with something less deserving of media headlines than the Justin Bieber/Orlando Bloom "fight" that went down in Ibiza a couple days ago. (I have to put big air quotes around the word fight because although technically a punch was thrown, no one actually got punched.) But we the public do love our celebrities-behaving-badly stories, so the encounter, such as it was, went viral, and now Stephen Colbert has weighed in on the "international dispute that has erupted in senseless violence."

Thanks to The Colbert Report, we can properly understand the complicated feud involving Justin Bieber, Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr, and Selena Gomez which led to this tragically stupid incident. Or as Colbert referred to the various couples, Morlando Blur, Mustin Keebler, and Jelusty Gobbler.

Colbert started right out with a zinger:

Early reports indicate that last night, Justin Bieber had his first hit in years.

Snert. Colbert went on to describe the kerfuffle:

Tensions were, of course, running high when late last night, in the no man’s land of Ibiza, Justin Bieber crossed into hostile territory by walking past Bloom’s table. Bloom deployed defensive measures when he refused to shake Bieber’s hand. Traumatized witnesses report that Bieber then launched a short-ranged ballistic, ‘She was good.’ So Bloom threw a punch at him.

He added,

Now, as a journalist, it’s my job to report on atrocities like this, but to be clear I do not condone this type of violence, because… Bloom missed Bieber’s face.

HAAAA. I know, right? How sad is it that he missed? Anyway, here's the clip:

Entire world's reaction to this amazing piece of reporting:

Seriously though, don't you wish Orlando's fist would have made contact? Like just a little bit?