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Your Hat!

So, I’m out here on book tour, and one of the anecdotes I’ve been telling is about how once, in a darkened theater, someone in the crowd kept yelling for me to speak up, and every time I’d start to speak again, she’d interrupt me, and say:

“You’re mumbling, you’re speaking into your chest!”

All I could see of her, was one of those red cowboy hats that is typically packaged with two little chromed plastic guns. So on the fourth time she yelled:

“Speak up, you’re mumbling!”
I yelled,
“Well, your hat is stupid!”

Then a man stood up behind her, and shouted, “She was coming to your signings when there were only three people!” And he started to push her wheelchair out of the theater. I yelled at an old lady in a wheelchair. And to be honest, twice, because as she rolled by, she screeched, “You’re still mumbling!”
And I said, “Well your hat is still stupid!”
So, not my best moment. But I am vindicated later. You’ll have to check tomorrow.

But last night, I’m telling this story, and a guy comes up later and tells me about how some kid is kicking the back of his seat through a cross country flight. And after about two hours go by, he can’t take it, and he turns around and unloads on the mother and father for not disciplining their bratty kid. And about half-way through his tirade, he sees that they are all wearing “Make a Wish” T-shirts, and the kid has sort of a mangy haircut.
So I felt better. Because at least I didn’t yell at a Make a Wish kid.
I told him that he should go on book tour….
From the road
Christopher Moore

There use to be a small guy who would race around the Castro in his electric wheelchair. He’d blast through crowds of people. One day he ran it into me… and I was kinda grumpy.
“Just because you’re in that chair doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole. You realize I could just tip you over?”
The look on his face was incredible. Nobody had ever challenged him before. After that, I’d still see him around the neighborhood, but he was always a bit more polite.
I try to do my share.

totally remember you telling this story on the book tour!
my mom is a special needs teacher and she tells me she yells at the kids all the time. And I say, “how could you? Don’t you feel bad?”
and she just shrugs and says, “Well, they yell at me.”
I didn’t believe her until i went to class with her one day, I was surprised when the one kid with add told my mom to mellow out because she was reading to fast. I was pretty sure my mom was the only person in that class that has special needs.
X)