The Bachelorette Recap: Boyz II Men Pay the Show a Visit

And they force the contestants to sing "I'll Make Love to You," the most humiliating song imaginable.

If it seems like the wrong day to be reading a Bachelorette recap, you're right: On Sunday night, the first installment of a two-night extravaganza aired. That's four hours of the Bachelorette before Tuesday. God help us.

On last night's episode, though, we met some special musical guests and Andi got the group down to 13 men, a relief for those of us still confusing our Craigs with our Carls. The first date of the night (mysteriously in Santa Barbara) put Nick V. and Andi on bikes and beaches and eventually on a hike. It was a shockingly normal date. This might not have made for the most thrilling television but Nick and Andi bonded, big time. And by "bonded" I mean Nick got to do that backwards-hug-move that I've seen so much more in movies than in real life (my boyfriend kept shouting "backdoor hug!" at the TV). The two also made out under a big rock.

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Where Boys Become Men

For the group date, the invitation said something about starting off "on the right note" which immediately put Bradley on cloud nine — the opera singer could finally win one of those roses. The guys trundled out to a music center, whereupon we finally got to meet the Special Musical Guests, Boyz II Men. Or at least three of them: Wanya Morris, Nathan Morris, and Shawn Stockman.

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And this is where I have to give the producers credit. After last week's hugely entertaining "Magic Mike" date, the Boyz II Men situation was similarly inspired. The guys had to split into two groups and get coached on singing "I'll Make Love to You," the most embarrassing song possible under the circumstances, and then perform that in front of an actual crowd.

The Boyz were great. Somebody give these guys a reality show, stat. From murmuring, "Oh, shit, no," as Brian warbled helplessly to telling Andi, "Oh, she sucks," they managed to keep their dignity while participating in the Bachelorette — no easy feat. (Ask last season's musical guest, Soulja Boy.) Their analysis of Andi's contestant pool was grim: At most, they said, two people could carry a tune. I'm assuming they are counting Bradley who, while, perhaps technically correct, sounded awful booming out lines like, "Pour the wine/light a fire."

When it came time for the actual performance, the two groups, one clad in khaki blazers and red ties, the others in more Boyz-appropriate navy cardigans, tried to make up for a lack in vocal ability with on-stage antics. It was a shitshow.

Meet Your Frontrunner

After the group date, the next solo encounter came in the form of Josh M., the former baseball player, whose game is incredible. Andi might have called out his "I'm-so-nervous-around-you" line, but she also loved it. Their connection is light years away from anyone else's, and I'm counting the very cute Nick V. Between legit deep-throat kissing and whispering, "I like you a lot," Josh M. is going to make it difficult for Andi to pretend there are still a dozen guys in the offing.

So, he got the rose. The only other interesting thing to happen was this exchange, from a random moment when all the guys were talking to Andi at the same time.

Some dude shouts, "What's your favorite color?"

Andi: "I dunno, is black a color?"

Cut to Marquel, grinning. "Duly noted."

The Aging Process

The next solo date was with J.J., the Pantsapreneur, who has gotten almost zero screen time. (The person who has actually gotten zero screen time is the hairstylist with a mullet, Brett, and this is unfair.) The Pants guy's pants did not disappoint, being teal with cream back pockets, but he didn't keep them on for long, as Andi revealed this date's theme: premature aging. A makeup artist applied liver spots and J.J. put on a bald wig and they both wore "old person" outfits. J.J. protested that he looked "much worse" than Andi, and he was right, but no matter. Off to the park.

The first thing they did in their old-person garb was to walk down stairs very, very slowly. Then they began speaking in some crazy croak. It was borderline offensive, although hard to say why, exactly. But because of the theatrics, this ended up being the perfect date for J.J., who clearly has some zanier parts to his personality that might just be awkward in a normal setting (as we learn later on). Unfortunately, even though J.J. kept asking to "steal kisses" and Andi obliged, the sexual chemistry was not happening.

After dinner (which, of course, happened off-camera), J.J. went on for a while about how he needs people to accept his fundamental weirdness. Andi looked concerned and gave him a rose but I don't think he's long for this show. He needs a proper eccentric, not Andi, who was probably dreaming of her normal, strapping baseball boyfriend Josh M. even while pinning the rose.

Bummertown, Population 2

Sometimes the show has to insert moments outside of the dating flow, and two such events happened on last night's episode. First, Ron got a call when J.J's date was going on, and it was clearly not a good thing — which you knew immediately because no one on the show is allowed to have cell phones. It turned out that a close friend had died and so Ron wasn't in the right headspace to stay on. A genuine bummer, although Andi had seemingly never spoken to Ron, so no love lost.

The other strange, depressing moment came from a conversation, context-free, between Chris the farmer and Dylan the accountant. Dylan revealed that two of his siblings had died of drug-related causes with confusing lack of detail. Maybe we'll revisit this trip down bummer lane another time, because it never actually came up again in the episode.

Elimination Time

Andi did keep Cody around, for reasons that boggle the mind, but did the right thing in letting Bradley go. She also said goodbye to Brett, whom we never got to hear speak until his exit interview, where he blamed himself for being "shy and nervous" while looking terrified in front of the camera. Bradley definitely did not blame himself for his dismissal, but he did cry and moan and generally make a play for next Bachelor. "Way too soon," opined my boyfriend, and I concur.

The whole sub-drama of contestants positioning themselves as the next Bachelor is the show within the show and, as the headcount gets smaller, will be become more pronounced. I'm ready for it! As for next week — I mean, tomorrow's episode — the best the teaser could do was promise a trip to Connecticut. Not promising.

FRONTRUNNERS

Josh M. The baseball player continued to dominate, even without a solo date.

Nick V. Sending roses during the rose ceremony was a baller move. This was a good episode for him.

Chris The farmer didn't get any screen time last night but his stock didn't fall, either.

Marcus He got a bit whiny during this episode but Andi still seems to like him.

Chris Harrison Did you guys feel some tension when he was on stage with Andi, announcing the Boyz II Men performance? I felt something.