Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Musings

Yay for it being Wednesday and another week down! The clinic called on Friday and wanted to reschedule our u/s for Nov. 1 due to a doctor conflict! Ugh! Thankfully, after I reminded them that they have two doctors in the practice, we were able to reschedule the u/s for Oct. 28 and with the doctor with whom we have been working all along. So only one day longer to wait.

My mother emails me at least once a week to "check in." I have some mixed feelings about it. I tell her what I know/have heard from F, but beyond that, I'm not sure what she's asking. I assume she's asking about the, um, happy situation. Is she asking only about that or is she checking in on me as well? I usually also tell her how crazy work is, how busy I am with school, etc. I know she's excited, but it's a little weird for me b/c I'm not the one experiencing the happy situation, so I'm not sure what to tell her and what she wants to hear. How did others going through surrogacy handle such inquiries?

I'm a little irritated by a close friend--someone who considers us best friends-- and her reaction to our news. Basically, she responded "awesome" and then went on to talk about herself, and I haven't heard anything more from her since. Well, I've heard some about her new job. I'm trying not to be oversensitive, but I guess I thought that maybe she would...I don't know...be a little more engaged? Even though it hurt, I engaged with her when she was pg. I suppose I thought that since our friends hadn't really been there for us during the dark times, maybe they'd be there for us during a happy time. I guess I was wrong on that as well. I know it's early, and I know she's busy with her new job and 5-month-old. I also know that she is and has always been somewhat flaky. She always tells me what a good friend I am, but it's never reciprocated. I hesitated even to post about it b/c I'm not exactly talking much about our situation yet and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. But it's really bothering me.

I think the bigger issue is that even though I'm more cynical than that, a part of me hoped that maybe things would magically spring back to normal with our friends if we had success and all the stress on those relationships (naturally caused by our inability to you know, just get over it and act like everything was hunky dory as they proceeded to journey to the next stage of life) would be repaired. And that Husband and I could and would forgive and forget all the hurts they caused us by never calling, seldom emailing, changing the subject if we expressed sadness, anger, or bitterness, not acknowledging birthdays, basically not being what we consider friends when we needed them most. We aren't the same people as we were 3 years ago, though. We've become accustomed to being alone, and that's ok. And I really don't want to focus on this friend and her behavior and count only the slights when this is a great time for us and so many people have been genuinely happy for us. Hopefully writing about it will help me exorcise some of the anger I feel.

I don't want to end this post on a nasty note, so here is a picture of my mums in full bloom:

9 comments:

Another week gone by is awesome! People's reactions are hard in the beginning. Esoecially when they know right from the get go. They are scared too and you have to give them that. I found too that people didn't really talk to me about it and I actually had to speak up and ask why. It does get better though as the pregnancy progresses. Now it's the first thing people ask me about and I am still surprised each time.

I know you are still terrified but it is your happy news. The fact that you aren't the one carrying doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and again, as you get further, I hope that you allow yourself to feel that. You may have to reframe your thinking. It's a hard idea to get used to, especially when it has been surrounded by so much hurt.

I'm glad to hear that everything is going well -- and your mums look great.

Some of my friendships have been improved/repaired by my pregnancy after IF. Others have been damaged beyond recognition, and it sucks. I'm pretty bitter about the fact that my college roommate still has not even bothered to say congrats, when I made a huge effort during her own pregnancy. Some people are just smaller than others, I guess.

I think it's really important when being an IM to treat the pregnancy as your own...it's your right, and it's reality. Just because you aren't physically carrying doesn't mean that it's not your "situation". You are the one emotionally preparing, you are the one preparing the home, you are the one who is the mother! If you feel surprised that your mom would be excited and wanting news about the pregnancy and your surro, it seems you have a different view than that right now. I started my blog specifically so that friends and family COULD keep up on all the exciting news about the babies, about us, about our surro. I would just encourage you to "reframe your thinking" as journeyofhope said above. Otherwise the pregnancy will pass you by and you may look back and regret that you didn't embrace it more as your own.

As for friends, that was hard for me too. Some people totally got what a BIG DEAL it was and others didn't. When we made our email announcement to all our friends and family, it was a long and detailed email with a "FAQ" at the end explaining *exactly* how all this works (IVF, what we had been through, who our surro was, how our babies got into someone else, etc.). I can't tell you how many people responded enthusiastically, saying they were so glad we were willing to open up and explain it all because they would have had no idea what all this meant without the details. They were super excited for us and I think many of those people would NOT have been as exhuberant had they not had the information to put it all in perspective. So, for many people, the lack of reaction has to do with not understanding and not wanting to ask questions out of fear. That said, we still received plenty of responses of "cool! congrats!" I was a little surprised after the lengthy email to get something like that, but I just came to the realization that if you haven't been through it, you just can't understand it fully and some people would NEVER go through what we went through to get here...so they can't possibly relate to what an achievement it is.

I'm not sure how I would handle your mom's questions. I think you're on the right track by just sharing what F has told you- I mean, that's all you can expect. Maybe the next time she asks, you can tell her that you wish that there was more to say, but that you can only tell her what you know from F, and that you promise to let her know when/if anything worth sharing comes up. I don't know, though. I have a pretty mediocre relationship with my mom, and I have a really hard time being honest with her because she's really demanding, so I probably wouldn't be able to do what I just recommended.

As far as friends go, it's so hard to deal with situations where they disappoint us. After dealing with my BF this summer and her absolute insensitivity as it regards my infertility (and my weight, and my education and my life in general), I just decided to let it all go, and ignore her when she hurts my feelings. Now, when I talk to her, I keep things superficial. Which sucks, but rather than cutting off the relationship altogether, I just pull back. I've just come to realize that the only people who "get" what IF people go through are people who have been through it themselves.

Of course, even if someone has been through IF, if they've made it to the other side, then sometimes, they forget what it was like to be over here in the childless place.

I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is that you can't rely on anyone to support you, even if they are a close friend. We can hope for things to get better, but in my experience, once you've been seriously let down, it will happen again at some point.

Man. I'm a real bummer today!

Ah, well. Here's hoping that your friend takes her head out of her ass and decides to start caring about you again.

I can definitely relate to the issues with the friend. It's not exactly the same thing, but I had a friend who wept on my shoulder for four hours straight after she had a miscarriage. Meanwhile, I was going through my second miscarriage at the exact same time and she was all about how miserable SHE was. Then she got PG again right away and stopped communicating with me. This was over a year ago and I'm still really bothered with it.

She recently found out about my current pregnancy and emailed me for the first time in over a year, to say congratulations. I felt like making it to the 2nd trimester had legitimized me in her eyes. Needless to say, I did not write back.

It's hard when IF gets in the way of a friendship, but then it also helps you know who your friends are.

Mom: I think your mom probably is genuinely excited for you. I know your relationship with your mom has been a little contentious, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I was surprised how excited my own mother was about my pregnancy, because she'd always been supportive but subdued about the treatment process. Since you are using a surro, your mom may not quite know how to approach the situation - but I suspect she is means well and is happy for you.

Friends: I like N's advice about about explaining things thoroughly. IVF is hard enough, but it gets even more complicated when there's a third party involved, so people might not be as certain how to react when you are not the one pregnant. I also think Kate is right--sometimes you have to keep a friend a more superficial level, if that's just the way it goes. It's tough, but that might give you the breathing space to see whether this is a friendship worth pursuing more deeply, without creating an agonizing cutting off process.

The mum's are beautiful! I was curious about whether once I finally am on a road to success that the friends who really pissed me off would magically be repaired. So it's interesting to hear this as I can imagine my expectations also would be that once I confide in them about good news that that would be their chance to finally be 100% supportive. But it's just so hard for some people to understand what they should do and as always people get weird with things that are "different" and may not know what to say. I've cut out so many people because of IF and I've barely told anyone about our attempt to find a surrogate so I just hope that eventually some day those relationships will find their way back into our lives. But the important thing is to celebrate, regardless of who jumps on board with you, what is finally good and happy after so much struggling and heartache.

The mums are beautiful!Just found your blog and wanted to comment. We have a 4 month old who was carried by my sister, and I also started a blog when we were about 12 weeks along. I actually started the blog to keep family and friends updated on all the news and progress (to avoid all the phone calls and individual emails), which made it so much easier on me. I can relate to what you're saying about your mom - I think for many people once the baby is on the way, it's all happy times, and they want you to be *happy* all the time. But for those of us who have really struggled to have a baby, it's hard to just sit back and *enjoy*. We're just so used to things not working, or being stressed and scared about everything. But the advice to try and relax and enjoy this stage is good - hard to do sometimes, but good nonetheless. : )

As for friends, we were very fortunate - I think in part because we needed surrogacy due to my previous cancer diagnosis, so my inability to carry a baby was a bit of "old news." In some ways that helped because everyone got over the "don't know what to say..." stuff really early.

Anyway, best of luck to you on this journey. It's all so worth it in the end.