Horrorscope

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"The crystal ball is very murky... Oh, wait, I've been breathing too closely."

Benjamin Franklin was once quoted as saying, “[…] in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes”. Although the latter can be avoided through creative accounting and the systematic deception of government agencies, death remains an inescapable reality of life (and a welcome relief for the socially inept and aesthetically nauseating amongst us). While many people may optimistically expect to die in their sleep at a ripe old age after decades of guilt free decadence, the truth is, many of us will meet an untimely and gruesome demise, twice if turned into zombies first. But should we fear death? Probably. There’s a fair chance it’s going to hurt… a lot. What’s that you say? Is there was a way to see into the future and brace ourselves for our predestined finale? Why! Of course there is you silly fuckwad, and it’s called astrology.

Astrology is a faultless and precise pseudo science capable of providing exceptional accuracy in predicting the future, the current, and even the past. In fact, it is so accurate, only highly trained and spiritually attuned middle aged women wearing too much make-up and cheap shiny baubles may harnesses this mysterious power. Using this power, we can narrow your death down to an exact time, date, and set of circumstances. After reading your shocking revelation of death, you may feel inclined to attempt to alter your fate, however, you should know this is impossible, but do try and look surprised. So read on and uncover the mysteries surrounding your death if you dare, or if you aren't already bored shitless.

Meaning “Ram” in some long forgotten made up language; Aries is the first sign in the zodiac. It will come as no surprise then, that people born under the sign of Aries (sometimes called the Aryan Nation) always like to come first, especially in the bedroom. They are born leaders, and rarely take a backwards step, even when attempting to cross a busy highway on foot. They have plenty of confidence and self-assurance and they may sometimes come across as arrogant and self-centred – but only because they are.

Prediction: After carefully considering all he facets of your personality and your star alignment, it is clear that you’ll be eaten by a bear whilst foraging for berries in the wild.

Insightful, entertaining and interesting are some of the words people use to describe those born under the sign of Taurus. Those people would be wrong. Those born under this sign are a proud people; unfortunately this pride leads them to often refuse simple aid such as money or basic hygiene products, no matter how vigorously they may be offered. Unlike a bull, the sign which guides them, Taureans are quite gentle, caring, and are often very touchy feely. Whilst this affection may appeal to some, it more often than not will end up in criminal charges, especially for those who work with children.

Prediction: Although being gored to death by a bull is a high probability, Taureans are very timid and tend to shy away from wild animals. A more likely scenario is that you’ll be gored by your own fork whilst eating one.

Gemini, the third sign in the Zodiac, is governed by Mercury (the planet closest to the sun), and is linked to the element of air. These factors combine to produce a lot of the hot air that tends to escape from your mouth at all hours of the day. The sign is represented by the twins which is quite appropriate as those born a Gemini tend to socialize only with themselves, usually in front of a mirror. Geminis are forever youthful and seem to grow younger, rather than older with age. Although this can give Geminis plenty of energy and a youthful exuberance, it can often result in the onset of regular tantrums and pants defecation during their early adulthood. Geminis are also highly emotional and can experience a wide array of feelings in a short time span; from joy, to despair, and then back to drunk.

Prediction: Whilst attempting to cross a busy highway you’ll catch a glimpse of your own reflection in the front windscreen of an on-coming truck. The last thing you’ll ever see is a gorgeous man/woman attempting to head butt you really hard.

Cancer, (not the debilitating and life threatening disease but the medically insensitive name of the crab like zodiac sign) is an above average Zodiac sign. As you may have guessed, much like the sign that represents them, all Cancerians have crabs (once again, Cancerians is referring to the Zodiac sign and not the disease thing). Cancerians often have the appearance of being physically weak, pale skinned, balding and appear solemn. They also have a tendency to gravitate towards hospitals, morgues and have a fondness for the Make a wish foundation. Apart from their bleak outlook on life Cancerians are often dynamic and disagreeable, many like to engage in long and deadly battles for the simple pleasures in life such as taking in a beautiful sunset or going back to the pub to drown their sorrows.

The ruling planet of Leo is the Sun, which is technically not a planet, but that doesn’t worry Leos as they tend to ignore reality anyway, opting instead to live in a fantasy world of their own creation. Much like the Sun, Leos are often described as golden globes, and like the award statuette of the same name, they are easily won over with a bribe or two. Leos are confidant and dominant people and this can lead to them being mistakenly accused by ingrates as being somewhat of a tyrant – but only because they’re harsh and cruel rulers who only have their own self interests at mind at the expense of the general population who they have dominion over.

Prediction: You will accidently drop a tungsten carbide brick onto a plutonium sphere which will result in death by radiation poisoning from the resulting neutron radiation.

The sixth sign of the zodiac, Virgo is an introverted sign. This is good, as most people won’t want to talk to them anyway. Virgos are perfectionists and take pride in pointing out other peoples faults whilst ignoring their own defective personalities. They are highly organised, tidy, and meticulous; and any attempt to displace an object in a Virgos home will be met with swift and brutal repercussions. Virgos are also really anal; but there’s nothing funny about that.

Prediction: You will die as a result of injuries suffered during a heated physical confrontation in which you and another Virgo disagree on the placement of a box of tissues on a coffee table.

If there’s one thing that can be said about the zodiac sign of Libra, it’s that it is a sign of the zodiac. And it certainly does that well. Humans born under the sign of Libra possess such qualities as being born between the dates of September 24th and October 23rd, and being born as a human. People often say that every sign is different and those born under the sign of Libra certainly are one of those people. In some cases, two, especially if there is more than one of them. Librans are rarely satisfied except for when they are which would make the preceding statement redundant. Librans are sometimes quite vivacious but also possess the uncanny ability of sometimes not being vivacious. Yep… Typical Librans!

Scorpios are alluring, amoral and known for their ability to make intelligent financial choices; all the attributes of a successful prostitute. Scorpios are strong, confidant, and feel like they can own any room they enter, although anyone can also own them for a small fee of course. They can be quite whimsical at times and tend to be misunderstood by others, mainly because they mumble when they talk. A lot of the time though, this is because they’ve got a little something stuck in their teeth. They are adventurous and not afraid to try new things, even if it gets them into strife.

Prediction: There’s only so much syphilis the human body can take before it turns into a walking mass of syphilis. You will most likely be blinded by this condition and walk off a bridge.

Sagittarians are lucky by nature, fortune and wealth seems to follow them around and can and does literally jump into their pockets. At least that’s what they tell the judge when they’re arrested for pick pocketing. This confidence in their own luck results in them being very cocky in public; another reason they inevitably wind up in front of a judge. Their sign is the centaur, half man, half horse. While Sagittarian men will often boast about the size of their horse-like genitals, this comes as more of a burden for females.

Prediction: Your self confidence will be squarely shaken when you’re run over by a tank in Tiananmen Square whilst protesting the Chinese Governments abandonment of economic reforms.

Capricorns are practical and ambitious, it’s just a shame they don’t have any ability to go with those qualities. Capricorn is an Earth sign which makes them very grounded. Why anyone would want to play around in dirt all day has got me stuffed though. Having Saturn as their ruling planet, they have a tendency to be very cautious. In fact, Cautious is their middle name, which is why no-one ever calls them that unless it's a formal situation or they’re in trouble from their strict parents. Their token sign is the goat, and while Capricorns will eat practically anything (even the can it comes in), they look nothing like goats – with the small exception of their horns.

Prediction: Being naturally cautious and fearful, Capricorns tend to hide under a rock to protect themselves. Ironically, there’s never any oxygen under a rock and you will suffocate to death.

Aquarians are lucky to be born under the sign of the water carrier; lucky because it’s a great excuse for having a semi-permanent wetness around the crotch area. They are ruled by Uranus, and will subsequently make innappropriate jokes about it at the dinner table. They tend to be individuals, with the small exception of those born as conjoint twins, and they gain great pride in being eccentric; that is until they find out no-one likes them because of this. Aquarians embrace technology and love to tinker around with gadgets. They’re definitely not technophobes, although they are quite violent and vitriolic homophobes. They are aloof yet caring, yet their aloofness makes other tend not to care about them.

Fish. Dirty smelly fish. It comes as no surprise to Pisceans that everyone thinks they stink and want nothing to do with them. Despite the hatred generated towards them because of this, Pisceans are caring and emphatic – to themselves - Even though they stink. Pisceans are intuitive, sensitive, and emotional; they also stink. They will often come to the aid of those around them; yet they stink. And most importantly; they stink.