So... I've been parenting for almost 3 1/2 years now (yay, go me!), and throughout this time, I've come to learn a wide variety of things I consider "advice" for any new parent.

Wanna hear some? Awesome. Read on...

1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. Yeah, you may think just keeping the knives up high and covering the electrical outlets is enough, but think again. Kids will find things in your house and try to eat them, put them in their ear, throw them at the dog, or wipe it on your walls. "Oh look, half a crayon! It's covered in dust and something sticky... let's play with it!" Eerr, nope. Not in this house. I should start a jar of things my kids find and try to give to me. That way, I will have a graduation gift for them when they're 18. **Fingers crossed they're still into dead bugs**

1. You're going to feel like an idiot. A lot. They say that the most honest people in the world are kids and drunks and that couldn't be more accurate. It's also true that they are like little sponges and remember everything that ever came out of your mouth. Be prepared to brake off a piece of your dignity and give a half-smile when your kid loudly tells you about the "biiiiig buuuuutt" of the lady in line with you at Target, or when they yell, "uggggh, damnit!" in front of a bunch of strangers at the park after spilling their juice box. However, I will say that it's totally okay to feel a little proud if your kid swears in the proper tone and context. Hey, at least you taught them something!

2. A toddler's attention span is just above, and slightly to the left, of non-existent. Yeeeeeah, if you could literally just sit still for like 5 minutes, that would be greeeeeeeeat. We all know kids are like this before we have one of our own, but nothing solidifies this fact better than trying to accomplish a task, run an errand or (god forbid) take a trip with kids in tow. Bring snacks, drinks, toys, and if you're driving or flying somewhere... a bottle of benadryl for them and bottle of wine for you if you expect to make it out alive.
(Editor's note: I do not condone drugging children. Unless it works, then whatever.)

3. People love to give you parenting advice. Hey... random, chatty woman in the yogurt aisle, grab your dairy and mind yo' business. I don't think I need to know how you raised your litter in the '60s. Do not listen to these people. Simply smile, nod like you're listening and slowly back away...

4. At some point, your kid will inevitably hit, kick, scream at, or bite another kid. Yep. It happens. Bury your initial urge to overreact, apologize and move along, sister. Every kid goes through a vampire phase. It's pretty "in" right now, actually. Kudos to your kid for being trendy.

5. You'll need a place where you can secretly eat your Oreo in peace. For me, it's burying my face in the pantry like I'm desperately looking for something or the bathroom. Don't think you'd enjoy eating cookies in the bathroom? Become a parent. Momma don't share food.

6. Your child will ask a lot of questions. Be prepared to answer 3,457 questions a day from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed. "Why is that sign blue?""Where does Elmo live?" "Why is your hair so crazy?" "Where did Eli come from?" "Why are you wearing those shoes?" "What's this?" "Where are we going?" "Why can't I put my hand in the oven?" "But, why?"

7. After a while of watching nothing but cartoons, you'll begin to get your daily validation from correctly answering questions meant for a toddler. "RECTANGLE! A rectangle fits there!" "THERE! Swiper's right behind you, Dora!!" "SWIPER, NO SWIPING!"

and lastly...

8. There is no arguing with a three-year-old if he wants to wear his Spiderman costume at 6:30 in the morning. Choose your battles. If I can make it to 8 am and out the door without a meltdown, I consider myself a winner. Don't be a douche-canoe and squander your child's dream of saving the world one web at a time.