PlanetFargo

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Soul Calibur

The world would devolve into anarchy if we as a people didn't respect calling "Nexties." Imagine the line at the bank.

Now when you play Soul Calibur in the arcades, you call Nexties by placing your quarter on top of the machine. Everyone respects that. I mean, it's not written into the constitution or anything, but it's definitely amendment material.

4. Winner Stays, Loser Pays

You never see winners paying. You never see losers staying. Except perhaps Carrot Top.

5. Never Approach a Man in a Thong, Even If His Back is Turned

This one should be instinctive, but without the hard lessons learned from playing against Voldo, you might not make the connection. You may think, "He can't see me, I think I'm safe." No. In fact, approaching a man in a thong from behind is perhaps the most dangerous way to approach thonged strangers, especially ones who hiss through bamboo tubes.

6. Never Stand Next to a Man with a Big Stick When He's Getting Up

You know what I'm talking about. Kilik. Yes, his rod was my doom.

7. Press the Right Buttons and You Can Change the Color of a Woman's Panties

This is true. The original Japanese Dreamcast versions of Soul Calibur had cheat codes to allow you to change the color of Sophitia's panties. I'll just let that sink in for a moment.

Now, when they released the game in North America, this cheat code was missing. I find that hysterical. I don't know where the line is, or who makes these judgment calls... But someone, somewhere, made the conscious decision that while it was okay for Americans to see her panties, they must always be white, and they cannot under any circumstances be user-configurable with respect to hue.

This is somebody's job.

Anyways, the truth remains that you cannot change the color of the panties in the U.S. version of the game, which helped me learn another of life's lessons: When it comes to women, you can't always get what you want.

8. "Don't Expect to Die Peacefully."

Asteroth sometimes taunts you with this line at the beginning of a match. Wise words. He also yells, "Squirm! Scream!" after walloping you. Again, more good advice. Asteroth is a font of wisdom or something. He's right: I came into this world flailing and screaming, and I intend to leave it the same way.