How to Handle a Crazymaker

Four keys to keep from losing it when they start playing games.

A mother gave her son two ties for an upcoming family occasion. She then got mad at him when he showed up at the party wearing one of them. She wanted him to wear the other one.

Years later, after the son had grown up and married, he presented his wife with two dresses for their anniversary dinner. He then got upset with her for wearing the wrong dress of the two.

A few years later, after the couple had a daughter, his wife accused the daughter of hugging the wrong parent first—even if the little girl switched whom she hugged each time.

Crazymakers come in all shapes and sizes—and can have good and bad intentions. Some know they are being manipulative and oppressive. Others haven’t got a clue. Some engage in their tactics consistently. Others provide intermittent surprise attacks. The challenge is to recognize the behavior, assess if it’s from a healthy or unhealthy place, and then employ the proper strategies to stay sane and empower yourself.

Crazymaking is when a person sets you up to lose, as in the examples above: You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You’re put in lose-lose situations, but too many games are being played for you to reason yourself out of it. There is no rhyme, reason, or emotional understanding with a crazymaker. Worse, when the behavior is stealthy and confusing, it becomes easy to feel crazy. It feels like you’re caught in a whirlwind of chaos, with the life force being sucked from you as you are manipulated with nonstop crazymaking tactics.

The Top 3 Crazymaker Types

Narcissists. The granddaddy of all crazymakers. Narcissists cannot empathize with anyone, meaning they cannot relate to your feelings. They only feel their own wants and needs. They are emotionally stunted, like a perpetually demanding 2-year-old. It is always about them. However, they can be extremely charming and charismatic, as they have learned how to be the greatest salespeople to get their needs met. They can charm and mimic compassion for brief moments in order to get their needs satisfied. They expect only the best and can be the most materialistic—demanding trophy-relationships, endless objects of success, only well-known acquaintances, top-notch services, lavish vacations, etc. They have disdain for emotions in others and often think even less of people close to them. They try to control everyone around them and will use every available tactic to gain control. Many high-ranking executives are narcissists and consequently tend to create a narcissistic culture in their company or division.

Drama-cultivators. Whether histrionic or borderline or a version of other similar diagnosable personalities, the drama-cultivator is best known for their perpetual crises. They are like Chicken Little screaming “The sky is falling!” but they expect you to fix it. Now—and on their terms. Some people do experience an excess of rough times (and it’s true that a lot of crises can happen in one burst), but the drama-cultivator has an overabundance of crises because, for them, everything is a crisis. They expend their energy and yours responding to crises. They cannot empathize with others because they are too wrapped up in their chaos. Yet, they need you and your energy and don’t want you to leave them, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention. Like a wounded child, they also swing from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting you. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking in a field of landmines.

Stealth-bombers. They look like roses compared to the narcissist and drama-cultivator, but beware their sharp thorns. These highly dependent people try to please you, but the nice things they do have a cost. They are the martyr that keeps score. Like a stealth bomber, just when you think everything is OK, they get you. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss the deadline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but stealth-bombers do it all the time and they get you to feel guilty about it. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details, then sulk and act like a victim if you get upset. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they’ve tried so hard.

4 Common Crazymaker Tactics

It is imperative to know if you’re dealing with a crazymaker in the first place. However, there's a tendency to be a little blind to the possibility if the person is a loved one or someone close. We end up taking that person’s behavior personally, and believing that the crazymaker in our life could change if they wanted to. We also expect the crazymaker to play by the same communication and etiquette “rules” as everyone else. But they can’t. Crazymakers don't play by the same rules as you. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazymaker in your life dance to your song.

1. The double-bind. Double-binds are negative messages disguised in a positive message or gesture. The double-bind sets you up to lose, as in the example above with the mother and the two ties. It can also be as subtle as a person giving a scolding look while saying, “I love you.” The insult about choosing the wrong tie is cloaked in the gift of the tie. The son is trapped because if he complains, the mother can say he doesn’t appreciate the gift. The “I love you” is coupled with an angry look, so one is prevented from addressing the look because the counter-argument might be, “But I said I love you." Double-binds happen all of the time. Start paying attention and you’ll be appalled by the frequency. Crazymakers employ this tactic most often.

2. Inconsistent praise. Crazymakers are superior at giving inconsistent praise. They are all adept at keeping you on your toes and getting you to beg for their praise. There’s a scientific explanation for it: Inconsistent praise tends to elicit desired behavior the most. Numerous animal researchers have discovered that the best way to train an animal is with an inconsistent reward. This is why gambling can be so addictive—it provides an inconsistent reward. We literally get hooked. Crazymakers have figured this out and provide the people around them with inconsistent praise. Sometimes they are just so loving, present, or flattering that it feels good. Then it’s gone. Some people get hooked and continue to put up with crazymaking behavior because they are waiting for the payoff—the praise. In fact, a crazymaker’s praise probably does feel better to you than praise from a person who is consistent with it. But, like gambling, it can be an addictive high that also has a queasy, unsettling feeling to it—along with a high cost.

3. Selective memory. We all have selective memories, but crazymakers exceptionally so. They conveniently forget any problems you’ve had with them when they want something from you. Then they throw every wrong you’ve ever done in your face when they are upset with you. Again, the key is that it’s inconsistent. You never know what your review will be like because it depends on their mood. You know that the only thing you can depend on with a crazymaker is that you can’t depend on consistency. They will hold a grudge but expect you to forget any disruptions. They will manipulate like crazy and use their selective memory as ammunition.

4. Impossible to empathize. Crazymakers cannot empathize. They will simply not be able to understand your feelings or situation. They might try to give you a sense that they understand, but they can’t sit with it very long and generally turn the conversation back onto their feelings or situation. This is an important point: Empathy is a developmental trait. A child at age 4 begins to play with others in a more cooperative fashion. Prior to that, if they are with other children, they are still most likely playing in an individual fashion (serial play). That’s normal because they haven’t developmentally learned to share and take turns. When such skills kick in, empathy does as well. Typically, a crazymaker has not developed empathy, so they are more like a 2-year-old emotionally. Knowing this is critical to protecting yourself in a power struggle.

Keeping strong boundaries is the key to dealing with a crazymaker.

4 Strategies for Dealing With a Crazymaker

Take an observer's point of view. There’s something about detaching and seeing a crazymaker from an observer point of view that helps you not get entangled in their mess. It’s almost like listening to someone speaking a different language. All of a sudden, their attacks seem silly and confirm to you that they are dancing to a different tune. Letting go can be the biggest power struggle deflator of all. It can also save your sanity because you can stop yourself from engaging in a needless battle—or feeling the sting of a double-bind.

Maintain a healthy sense of self-worth. Sometimes we attract crazymakers in our life because they reflect our own lack of self-worth. We let bullies bully us because we somehow feel we deserve it on some level. We teach people how to treat us and often reinforce crazymaking behavior in our lives through accepting it. Don’t. Start telling yourself you are worth more. You can’t really ask for something from somebody else if you aren’t giving it to yourself first. So, love and respect yourself. Be gentle with yourself—especially when dealing with a crazymaker. As proof, notice if the crazymaker in your life treats other people better than you. Pay attention and notice if those people exude a higher sense of self-worth. That might be a clue to improve your own self-worth through positive self-talk and care.

Keep a healthy distance. Do you really have to have the crazymaker in your life, or can you just keep a healthy distance? Are you in a trap of believing that you will be worth more if the crazymaker finally treats you better? They probably won’t, so don’t be afraid to move on. Narcissists need an audience; drama-cultivators require others to maintain drama; and stealth-bombers are dependent. In other words, you are the dance partner in their crazymaking dance and you can choose to stop dancing with them. There are other jobs and other friends that are healthy. If it’s a relative, you can still keep a healthy distance. Keep visits short and reward yourself afterward with nurturing care and positive self-talk.

Cultivate internal validation. Sometimes people won’t play fair. They’ll use crazymaking tactics and engage in power struggles to feel better about themselves. You can play into it and escalate the battle or you can take the higher road. Taking the higher road includes finding internal strength. Some refer to it as spirituality. Some feel it from the heart. It’s that endless supply inside that rejuvenates you and causes people to become resilient in the face of the most challenging adversity. It is the source of hope. Tapping into it is proof that you’ve developed a good boundary. People cannot drain your energy field because it’s directly tied into the abundant source of courage, hope and love. You don’t have boundary leaks because you are no longer dependent on external validation. Fear is replaced with faith that the source of hope is abundant inside. Your heart is not hardened and your mind is not cynical. You are fully adaptable to change and at peace. In short, you are the change you want to see and you are modeling it for the world.

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I loved this. It's so true, we cannot expect anyone to value and love us, if we can't find it within first. I stumbled upon this article as I was doing some reading and research for a chapter I'm contributing to a book on bullying. These are great tips for kids who are experiencing bullying at home or in school. So many young people are handing over their power because they think they don't deserve any better. But they do!

I think to blame ourselves for being bullied or devalued is seriously wrong and akin to saying only girls who dress provocatively get raped. Having lived with a medicated, bi-polar crazy maker for many years, you learn, it's not about you most of the time and you learn to separate crazy from personal. We were married very young but I did not go into the relationship with low esteem and didn't rely on his affirmation to feel worthy of happiness. I have always known my value, being a daughter of God and pray often for strength. I loved my husband in high school before crazy was a factor and one of the things I liked best was his confidence. The kicker is that as much as he appeared confident, at the end of the day, his insecurities and lack of self-esteem was incredible. His arrogance and manipulation masked his awkward self image. When mania set in, they soared to new heights along with his booming bass, verbosity and lack of any boundaries. When inevitably the pendulum swung and he hit bottom, his regrets and remorse were overwhelming. He felt inept in all capacities of life and no assurances could convince him he was loved. He once told me the question he asked himself every morning was, "should I commit suicide or should I go to work?" then proceeded his dressing ritual. And though I was certain it was meant to terrorize me, I know he meant it. The people whom worked with him for many years had no clue he suffered from a mental health disorder. They did know he graduated from medical school, finished an internship and residency, practiced as chief of anesthesiology at a reputable hospital, taught medical students and received national recognition for it, and had advanced to leadership roles, because he had a "wall of fame" that covered half of his office. And yet as his certificates proved his legitimacy to the world, he felt his entire existence was a façade and the "itty bitty shitty committee" in his head, wouldn't let him forget it. At those times, he tried desperately to make me feel as miserable as he, but I have always felt while pain is inevitable, misery is an option I don't choose. Ironically as his cancer wore him down and humility allowed him to feel our Savior's love, he was able to feel love for and from everyone. For someone who previously battled suicide daily, he fought very hard to live. Yes, I have scars but I'm still me, I have an awesome family and some great friends and enjoy the same hobbies and interests I always have. I never lost myself in his madness and I owe that to the Lord. We have 3 daughters, 1 son and 8 grandkids.
We all miss his wit, knowledge, and companionship, and absolutely not, his crazy. I feel peace and have faith that he does too.

I am in awe how well you not only described your situation but that you were able to rise above and keep your self worth strong and intact. I've been married to such a man for. 23 years but only learning that his behavior is the result of a condition. It's tough but the more I learn hopefully I won't continue to fall into his traps. Thank you for sharing.

I am so grateful to this woman for sharing her experience with a difficult spouse. She has an inner strength that does indeed only come from her faith and spirituality.I have also experienced this type of personality or mental health issue with a child and perhaps a boss (a doctor), and now my significant other. At times I have felt like the "crazy" one and have to turn to my inner strength to realize that it is their issue and not mine. It is amazing to me how wonderful these people actually are. It is also amazing to me how they sometimes view the world around them and how quickly they try to project their traits onto the people who love them the most. My sincere sympathy to Deb on the loss of her husband. I feel your peace and your strength through your writing. You are a wonderful human being. May God bless you and your family.

I am really touched by what you went through in life. I lived the same, that you mentioned. My current husband, soon to be Ex, acts brave, kind, and all knowing person on the outside. But only in words. He acts as if every decision he makes is either for the betterment of the family or his own interest that is incapable of changing, and that there is nothing wrong with them (no boundaries) but all in words. When it comes to action, he never keeps up his promises. He is a stealth bomber, where he promises but always has inevitable excuses to not do them, unless they align with his interests( Narcissist ).

He loves himself too much, but also feels inferior all the time, comparing himself and me with others all the time. He is incapable of empathy because he had hit me several times, and always abuse talked everyone around him. He creates cunning double binds, where if I say no he retaliates saying " but I am here now" "I am not the one asking for divorce" or "You only came out of the house by yourself", when in fact, as everyone knows how hard it is to live with a physical abuser, What good is a "But I am here now" when his actions prove otherwise. What good is a relationship where one spouse is in a manipulative abusive relationship? What good is a house, when that house is unlivable and carries horrible memories?

Obviously he has selective memory. Because when the discussion about his hittings and his bad actions come, he says " I do not recollect that happening", but when it comes to something of his interest, he remembers each and everything I did, and throws them at me.

Fortunately, like you, I entered the relationship with good self esteem. I took an observers point of view, only 3 years into the abusive relationship. I was happy with the affirmations I got from within myself, and did not need external praises. The only thing I could do then was to keep a healthy distance. Which is what I am doing now for past 2 years.

The moment I realized, the fault is not with me, and that even if Miss world was in my position, he would have still abused her verbally for "being ugly" and for not "doing duties of a wife properly", I understood he is like a 2 year old child, and not mine to put up with.

I lived in what I called a 'malignant' marriage for 23 years. I am free now and it's wonderfull. You WILL be fine. It is so liberating to get to know yourself, maybe, of the first time. Just see to it that you break ALL contact.(Even change your name.)Don't be afraid of being alone. In my marriage I was lonely. Now I live! Break a leg, doll!

Someone told me that many people who have a bad relationship with their parents have it change right before this parent dies. Sadly just as it was getting better. The reason is that it takes a great deal of humility to change and since the physical strenght and mental strenght is closely knitted when the body breaks down then suddenly you get trough to them. I would not be so rude as to say that God gave your husband cancer to fix things, but Im so glad and feel uplifted that he saw you all trough your difficulties. Praise the Lord.

I know this is an old post, and maybe you will never ready it, but wanted to let you know that I thought I was reading my life story. It brought tears to my eyes, as I understood everything you were saying. I lost my husband to cancer almost 7 years ago. We were married for 35 years. You loved your husband so very much, as I loved mine, because you saw his gentle soul beneath the rubble. True love, my dear! I hope you are happy today. :)

I think you have nailed the basic dynamic of crazy-making behaviors for many of us who were raised by a parent(s) with one or more of the Cluster B personality disorders. Its so devastating, so damaging to a child's sense of their own self, their sense of trust, and their normal emotional development to be subjected to this kind of emotional torture frequently and intensely by their own mother and/or father.

That's the best, most descriptive term for forcing someone to make choices and then punishing them for whatever choice they make: the no-win-situation is emotional torture. Its also known as psychological torment or mental cruelty.

Anyone reading this: if you know of a child who is being subjected to any of these crazy-making behaviors by their own parent(s), then, please befriend that child or better yet get them removed from their abuser(s) and relocated into the care of more humane, caring, mentally healthy people.

Jeez... i never knew there was a psychological term for this. This article describes my mother , and how i felt as a child and still do as an adult with two amazing adult age kids. I tried to bend over backwards with my children (and still do) because of what my mother did to me. They are so confident and awesome... sure wish i had me for a mom, and not a crazy maker who manipulates and hurts me constantly. We have gone years without talking, then we do and its the same crap all over again. I'm better off avoiding her toxic ways and limit my dealings with her and focus on my life, my awesome friendships, my great kids who love and appreciate me, and support me.. She's done more damage to my life than i can possibly express here, in a public format. I wish everyone luck with their situations. Namaste.

I too have a mother who has been emotionally abusive and neglectful for all of my life.

In December I flew up to take care of my mother and sister (my mother's care giver and enabler) who broke her arm badly. My mother did not want me to come up and help. This way she could TRY to be the hero, then when that failed because she can not drive and refuses to take public transportation, she could be the victim. If I didn't come up despite her protests, I was not trying hard enough to help.

I DID go up to help but it was the week from hell. Four food gift baskets came just hours after I arrived and the next day. One was from me. She opened all of the gifts baskets but mine, made a big deal out of the packaging, the taste, how wonderful they were. Her face glowed with sadistic excitement as she offered me tastes - while my basket remained untouched for the entire week. As I left for the airport, it still remained unopened. When I said, "Mom, you hurt my feelings", she made it my problem, "That is no way to talk to your mother."

Back at home I started having numerous panic attacks. Went to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD and used EMTR Therapy. Worked like a charm. I occasionally communicate with my mother but am very limited with information about me and a time limit.

I can totally relate to what you're describing. You know what therapists say "you cannot change someone else's behavior but you can change the way you react to them". Well, here's my two cents because believe me i get what you feel .... next time, just say, "Mom sorry you didn't like the gift basket, so i'm going to take it back with me and bring it to my neighbor (or friend) because he /she always kind to me and helps me with x y z ". And take the basket with you. From now on... take control... she won't like it.. but too bad.... Don't give your mother the sick satisfaction of making you upset. Watch and see.... fingers crossed for you...

I am sooo sorry ME too. The less contact you have with that evil ice queen, the better. It is perfectly ok to avoid anyone who is not kind and loving to you...no matter WHO they are. Anyone who has a problem with that? Well....it is Their problem. You do not have to justify your actions for anyone (something we realize we have the power to do and the way to live if we are lucky.) With family, there are these crazy "rules" in which no matter how someone treats you, you are forced to love them as siblings, obey them as parents, etc...NONSENSE! just more manipulation and a license to be cruel and play god.
Part of healing is breaking the rules made by fools. If ever you worry if you are doing the "right thing", consider the situation as though someone you care for is telling you about it and seeking your advice. We are better advocates sometimes for others and sadly not so much for ourselves. in other words, love YOU. And wish for your world to be filled with love and kindness. I wish you all the best!

So true - this is what I have been trying to explain to my family - that I do not have an obligation to be around them but after over 15 years of trying to communicate this they still play their crazy making / controlling games and act like they are so incredibly wonderful that my life cannot possibly be worth living without them. Fortunately my contact has dwindled so much that their games have just become background noise.

To the person who made disparaging comments... Why are you writing me? You don't know anything about me or the way i raise my children. what i said is true. i have wonderful daughters and we're extremely close. I was raised by an abusive mother, fortunately she lives in Chicago, not near me, and i limit my dealings with her. You seem to have anger, therefore....please don't write again. I suggest you channel your anger in the gym or another venue, and evaluate your own personality, rather than look to criticize others you know nothing about. This forum is solely to support one another.

"I tried to bend over backwards with my children (and still do) because of what my mother did to me."

"They are so confident and awesome... sure wish i had me for a mom"

"my great kids who love and appreciate me, and support me."

She's done more damage to my life than i can possibly express" --That's true.

Either this is great satire or I would explore if you suffer from similar narcissistic tendencies as your mother. Children do not walk away from an upbringing with a narcissist without carrying some narcissistic behaviors forward.

To the person who made disparaging comments... Why are you writing me? You don't know anything about me or the way i raise my children. what i said is true. i have wonderful daughters and we're extremely close. I was raised by an abusive mother, fortunately she lives in Chicago, not near me, and i limit my dealings with her. You seem to have anger, therefore....please don't write again. I suggest you channel your anger in the gym or another venue, and evaluate your own personality, rather than look to criticize others you know nothing about. This forum is solely to support one another.

1. I take your account at face value and see nothing "wrong" with what you said.

2. What do "disparaging commenter's" comments have to do with anything anyway? Nobody asked him/her to diagnose YOU sight unseen.

3. I was married to a crazymaker for 25+ years and am lucky to have escaped sane and much better off in every way than he is, including that I have good adult children who aren't crazy. It was an excruciating process, but worth it in the end.

To the person who wrote " I agree with you in regard to both disparaging comments". Thank you for understanding me. I felt as though this person whom I had never met was lashing out at me, and what did I say wrong? That I am a great mom. Well, I am. I'm a very humble person, but when it comes to parenting.. i'm not humble... why should I be? i earned to say "I'm a devoted, loving and wonderful mom and I wish i had me for a mom". My children and I are very close, and I earned that. This person who criticized me does not know me , and was indeed "blaming the victim"... you are spot on.

Regarding you being married to a crazy-maker for 25+ years, I applaud you for finding the courage and strength to get out, I know fully it's not easy. I am a single mom, and having gone thru a divorce, I know what you speak of. Cheers to us. :))

I applaud everyone who has the courage to get out. I am Pro-marriage (23 years), but psychological torment or mental cruelty. It also did terrible damage to my daughter, who is still suffering because he is still her dad and she keeps hoping that he will/has changed only to be disappointed every time.

Me three. The beuty of it is that shes also two faced and her hysterical abusive behaviour happens behind closed doors so that no one will believe me. I moved to a different town an hour away and she continues this over phone. I confronted her and deflected her usual attacks then she starts to openly lie to me. I said now youre just lying and hung up and blocked her. Three days later shes standing outside my apartment pretending nothing happened. Now I live six hours away. But phone attacks still happens and she just happened to be in my town last summer traveling trough... This time I told her im busy. I have confronted her behaviour on txt and told her I wont ignore how she treats me anymore. That I have had enough. She replies that she dont recognice what Im talking about and wont "take my shit" Then she sends a good night txt with smileyfaces on it.

I figure she can deny it all she wants. And try to drive me crazy turning everything on its head all she likes. One of her tactics is to make sure I cannot prove whats really going on to anyone else. But she knows and I knows and that is enough. Im an adult. I dont need to proove this to anyone else. That I know is enough. The mature thing is to set boundaries and stand up for myself. Since he cant behave in private Im only meeting her in public. If she cant behave in phonecalls she can send txt. Im not sorry for her and that does not make me a bad person. *standing applause for myself*

Have to add when she "just happened" to travel trough town we had just had a big fight. And dont tell me that is how she apologizes. I know her better. I grew up with her. If she had told me in advance I would have invited her. This is just her pushing at my boundaries. A power struggle to satisfy herself. An year ago and ever since I have repeated that she needs to phone me before visiting.

Your article perfectly describes my last boss, a narcissist incapable of accepting blame for his own mistakes, and blaming others in violent outbursts. Very abusive and destructive, and I refused to play his game, but held my ground by speaking the truth in the face of his tyrannical tirades. Good riddance!

I've been married to a narcissist for 22 years and not until I read this article was I able to identify his actions. He sets me up for failure, never takes responsibility for his actions, he tries to capitalize on my low self esteem, is somewhat detached while being extremely controlling. He always stops just short of"going too far" and turns on the charm for a short period of time to lull me into a since of security, only to pounce, verbally, again. I was an accomplished professional person until retiring 6 years ago. I don't feel at this point in my life I can leave him but I need advice how to detach and keep things on an relatively even keel.

"I don't feel at this point in my life I can leave him but I need advice how to detach and keep things on an relatively even keel."

What will you have to look forward to if you stay? Imagine him developing alzheimers or dementia. Many of these people get paranoid. I imagine a narcissist would have less control that a normal person. Imagine this narcissist telling a doctor that you hit HIM and the doctor believes him.

I have read about this horrible scenario in the book 'Elder Rage-Take my father, please'.

Dad knew what he was doing when he talked to the doctor but played dumb. If the daughter hadn't had help she probably would have been reported for elder abuse.

Think VERY CAREFULLY if you want to spend your old age with a demented narcissist. I wouldn't....

Wanted to open up this discussion to what to do to detach from the no-win situations and the lack of empathy but at the same time keep connection in a marriage.

My situation is with a partner who suppresses his own anger which results in outbursts and passive aggressive behaviors. He is convinced that his way is the only way to look at things (therefore I am guilty without benefit of a hearing). I am discovering that he sees insult where none is intended, does not allow for discussion and then retaliates. If I try to "defend" myself, he says I am "nagging". So I am always left feeling like I've been misunderstood and punished without a chance at explaining that I meant no harm.

When he hurts my feelings, I speak in "I" statements but he replies "Well everything hurts your feelings" and refuses to discuss the situation. All I am trying to do is understand why he said or did the hurtful thing because I WANT to resolve it. And I don't think I should be called demeaning names or iced out. So, in short, he suppresses my anger and tells me that I shouldn't say what bothers me "because everything bothers me" and if he said everything that bothers him "there would be no marriage". This is crazy making, right?

He has begun making lists of all the things I do to criticize him but it seems like he is making a case why he is "right", not looking for me to clarify what I meant. I am perfectly willing to "own" if I have been critical but I also want the opportunity to clarify when I honestly have meant no harm or criticism and he has taken it wrong. Any attempt on my part to speak about this is met with either eye rolling, big sighs, muttered insults, not answering or being accused of nagging or verbal abuse if he is in a cranky mood.

Yes, we are in marriage counseling and things have improved in many ways, i.e. he is making the effort to be more reliable - still not all the way there because he still makes promises that he doesn't keep (1) if he changes his mind or (2) if it becomes too "hard". He then says I am nagging if I check in with him to see if he is doing what he promised (more crazy making - because i am damned if i ask but damned if i don't because I become anxious wondering if he will follow through on promises or if I see him not follow through). Overall, he is keeping more promises than he used to but it is the INCONSISTENCY and UNRELIABILITY that keeps me on uneven ground. But don't I have to give him credit for the ways he is improving and try to have faith that he will continue to improve on reliability?? Especially because I want the marriage to improve?

I am trying to "back off" and not be a nag which is helping him feel less bombarded and leading to kinder behavior but it's so hard when the slightest thing can lead to him accusing me of being a nag and ruining his life. What about my life that has been "ruined"?

I know it is relational - I pursue, he withdraws. His withdrawal triggers my pursuit. Trying to be aware of our differing communication styles.

He accuses me of not trying when all I do is try. I turn myself into a pretzel trying to please him and always come up short (not doing this as much anymore).

My anger and resentment makes me pull away from him physically and then he feels rejected and infuriated. But how can I be intimate when his demeaning words live in my head? When I feel unjustly accused without chance to clarify? In the past i would will myself to be intimate and of course it came across wooden and forced and he would accuse me of being "inhibited and asexual". I was so tied up in knots inside because I felt angry and resentful and like a prostitute - but a prostitute that isn't even good at her job. Failure all the time. Damned if I do damned if I don't.

I long for intimate connection - not just verbally but also physically. He tells me I am lying when I say this because if I really wanted it I would be uninhibited and adventurous sexually and then we would have no problems. He justifies his nasty demeaning behavior as "because you ruined my sex life". When we were first married he compared me unfavorably with other women he had sex with "to motivate me" to better meet his needs the way they did. I felt de-motivated and that I was there to do specific techniques (that I failed at) not to collaboratively and mutually create a sex life. He admitted in counseling that he thought he could "teach me" because i had less experience than he did and he bragged to me when we were young how he taught virgins.

When he isn't raging or being passive aggressive we have times where i feel he loves me and is trying and I try to hold onto glimmer of hope that he will learn to be more open to other ways of looking at things. He is not objecting to the therapy and shows up every time and i believe he is sincerely trying. The love hasn't been completely killed off. If we were dating I would break up but this is a long term marriage with children and I want to believe that change and growth is possible. So at this juncture, please don't suggest bailing from this marriage.

I am teaching myself to be less reactive and not pursue him when I feel injured. This is hard but i am getting better. It feels empowering to not give in to panic -even when he threatens to leave. when he is hurtful i am getting better at walking away rather then engaging in battle.

Dear anonymous,
Why would you want to save the marriage with a man who does not respect you, treat you with honor, who expects you to satiate his sexual appetites with no regard for your feelings, and who is using so many manipulative attacks? He is not doing right by you. He is using you. And verbally abusing you. You said he rages and is passive aggressive and you hang on to times when he acts like he loves you....but is that love? Don't you deserve better??? He is set in his ways. He will do as little as he has to in order to keep the peace but he is NOT your mate. He is a selfish, angry, hurtful, cruel child who expects his needs to be met and has little or no regard for you and your needs as his wife, as his mate, as his partner in this life. Please....value yourself more than this. Value your children more than this, for in staying with this man, they are learning it is okay to belittle you and lie to you and hurt you. I know where you are, I have been there. It seems like saving this marriage is the most important thing in the world but it makes no sense if you are not HAPPY and fulfilled in this relationship. YOU DO MATTER! Men like this belittle you to your face and behind your back even more. Trust me, I know. He is not the man you think you love...he is not a man at all.

Hi! Just a thought. Have you looked into Aspergers? The statistics are that about 1/100 men are on the Autism spectrum, with a variety of traits & abilities, and as diagnostic tests are changing all the time, it may not have occurred to anyone that this could be the issue. Here are a couple of links that could help - even if it's not some of their advice is very adaptable.

I said this previously, but nobody seemed to pick it up & run with it
- I say it from experience, as I have aspergers, & my wife has used the words crazy making to me. I am not an unsympathetic person, but genuinely don't understand how something I say to someone, which to me sounds perfectly normal, can be interpreted to be something awful, & it's not an easy thing to fix!.......Rick

The real question I pose is...when your wife lets you know you have said something cruel or hurtful, are you capable of seeing it for what it is at that moment? Are you able and happy to apologize for hurting her feelings? Do you remember what you have done or said and tried not to do it again? Do you feel remorse for saying or doing hurtful things? These are the real questions here...I look forward to your response.

Oh Sweetie I feel for you. I too am with a manipulator. Here's the thing... I think I could handle it better if he treated everyone this way. But my husband appears to be Mr. Everything to others (especially to young women) but in the meantime disrespects me both publically and privately.

That is the worst. He makes you look like you somehow deserved it. If someone who appears to be supernice act hostile to someone else people would (in my experience) take him at facevalue if hes good and subtile enough at manipulation. You dont need to convince other people that you dont deserve this treatment. Just posting it here shows that you already knows that you dont. Respect yourself and take action. Escape and cut contact. Action speaks louder than words so those who are close to you and whom its worth keeping contact with will take you seriously if you escape and might even help you.

I feel for you, Anonymous, I really do. I believe I understand what you are going through. I can see so many similarities between our spouses. Mine may be a bit less of a crazy-maker but so much of what you said hits home. We have been married for 28 years and I spent most of that not sharing my opinions or needs and doing my best to keep the peace. I won't go in to detail but within the last month I found an inappropriate email trail between he and a friend. All of the sudden it hit me - what am I still doing here?!? I do believe there is no more room under the rug to sweep things.

Having said that, I also understand you resistance to divorce. I have been back and forth on this issue. I am beginning to believe that he can never truly change and I will never have the intimate (emotionally and physically) relationship that I crave. On the other hand, the impact of divorce on our young adult children and current and future grandchildren has to be considered.

I have always considered myself strong. However this is starting to affect my productivity at work and I can feel the stress physically. I will be starting counseling soon.

I say this with absolute respect for your point of view regarding divorce. May I offer another question to consider? What could be the impact on your young adult children and current and future grandchildren of having someone consistently behaving badly and disrespectfully to a woman they love and look up to in their lives? Is that a good example for them, or something they will need to resolve later (and painfully, in my case)? In hindsight, I would, if the decision had been up to me, have been more than happy to take the short-term pain of the two people in question going their separate ways rather than see the enduring damage and feel like it was "my fault she stayed".

I wish you all the best, there's no easy answers here. Try to remember that what you need matters too!

I understand that it is easy for others to tell you to bail. It is a knee-jerk response that everyone seems to have when responding to another person's relationship problems. I am always finding this with my own friends and realize how frustrating it is ! I want to offer you advice based on your wish that you would like to stay in this marriage.

First off, it is important to realize that your husband is probably the way he is because he had several unmet needs during childhood. It would be beneficial for you to see him in a more empathetic light... important to see that it is the behavior that is bad, not the person. There is a book by Harville Hendrix that I would highly recommend called "Keeping the Love You Find." It explains why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to, why certain relationship dynamics occurs and how to make things better. Please read it. I used to be the world's worst narcissist myself and had several crazy making behaviors that were evident in my previous long term relationship. Reading this book, changed my life completely. I learned why people were the way they were, it wasn't I was right and they were wrong. I am a completely different person now. If I could change so can your husband. And keep in mind you will need to change as well, so be prepared to do the work. In the end, all you can do, is try to change yourself and the interaction with your husband. You cannot change him, maybe you can inspire him to but, there is no guarantee. Good luck!