MCJROTC

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The Marine Corps Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps (MCJROTC) reaches out to thousands of American kids, most who only stay enrolled for a few weeks. It teaches them vital life skills such as how to stand behind a chair before class begins and how to effectively forget what time of day it is. Students are eligible to enroll in MCJROTC their Freshman year of high school but only after having all hair follicles removed from their body and completely denouncing any previous intelligence they believe themselves to have. Throughout the Fall semester, cadets of MCJROTC occasionally learn basic etiquette such as, "Don't throw your food across the table while having dinner with the President." and have virtually useless acronyms and lingo forced upon them as they study occupational skills i.e. Underwater basket weaving.

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Public Law 88-647, codified at 10 USC 2031, unwittingly authorized the Military Service Secretaries to "commission" Junior Reserve Officers’ Training Corps (JROTC) units at secondary schools that meet established criteria. Any school that has a drop-out/pregnancy rate below 99.99% and has enough space for 102 cadets to hang out for fifty minutes a day will do. Accordingly, the Secretary of the Navy has authorized the Commandant of the M'Reen Core to establish Marine Corps JROTC (MCJROTC) units throughout the United States.

A select few cadets, primarily those who try out whose aptitude for successfully hitting a 10x12" sheet of paper at like, 30 feet with an BB gunpellet gun air rifle is deemed acceptable, may be inducted into the Scout Sniper training program. During the course of this training, cadets undergo sleep deprivation training which culminates in a 10 minute phase in which they must shoot 10 targets without nodding off. After becoming proficient in the couch stance of shooting, cadets progress through the training pipeline into the slouching stance. This evolution of the program is where most of the weak wash out, as cadets must stand for an unbearable 15 minutes to shoot the standard 10 targets. Any cadets with the tenacity to remain in the program (showing up to practice), and possessing the mad snyper skillz to master the slouch stance, they attempt to learn the "morphball" position. If the cadet can shoot the standard target in this position without complaining about their knee hurting and their ankle up their ass, they have successfully completed the program, an are authorized to wear the Nazi SS flag Scout Snipers think is cool the marksmanship badge on those uniforms they wear, like three times a year.

The MMA at Harlingen, Texas, is lovingly nicknamed "Call-My-Parents" Camp. Some MCJROTC units have the high honor of spending a week at MMA, an institution renowned for its asshat cadets, who cry themselves to sleep, having never seen a girl since puberty motivated cadets and their esprit de corps. Only the most dedicated and elite cadets of a unit may attend, having to earn the privilege by passing their classes and… showing up to class.
At MMA, cadets will be tested mentally and physically, having to do about 50 pushups a day and jog for like 2 miles. The mental aspect of the intense conditioning of the Academy is the first experience of many fishies and LE-I cadets as a bunk-mate, inevitably taking a shower in the presence of their battle buddy, and usually suffering a crisis of sexual identity. Cadets quickly learn to grow a pair, though, when they face off against their comrades in the Thunder Dome, where all the violence of the Pillsbury Doughboy hopped up on meth is unleashed as cadets smack each other with marshmallows on a stick, i.e. pugil sticks. Tactical proficiency is also acquired at the Academy, when cadets learn the strategic skills to lead a Pickett’s charge in paintball, sometimes shooting the enemy if they aren’t first sniped by a begrudged witch doctor Staff Sergeant. Honing the Leadership skill of hormonal teenagers is the foremost goal of the week’s training at MMA. As cadets are for the frist time truly exposed to bureaucratic Chain-of-Command they must quickly adapt to outrageous rules, understanding the duties of different billets is rarely accomplished and most cadets only listen to the MI a.k.a the Devil's evil step-brother. The Freshmans' whose sole purpose is to be scared little girls and to march wherever their Platoon Serganitor hoarsely yells at them to go, being sure to sound off whenever he takes a breath, lest they be verbally berated by their Platoon Momma, who is usually just angry because they are berated by someone off in the distance for the Platoon Serganitor fucking up the imaginary parade. Next you have your Battalion Kiss-Asses, who "run the show" but are rarely seen making decisions, . There is the company staff, comprised of two officers who order the companies to attention maybe twice during the week, but otherwise have their first sergeants do everything. And of course, there is the cadet commanding officer, who is, you know, there.
By the end of the week, cadets will have pushed their limits, most of them completing at least half of the obstacle course, an elite few climbing about 10 feet up the rope. They will have done the leadership reaction course, where puzzles designed to stump 5th graders test cadets’ ability to yell louder than their team members to get it done. They will have marched for endless (3) hours on the drill deck in an attempt to not trip over each other in column movements. But the greatest achievement cadets bring back home is the knowledge that they can outwalk their asthmatic and crippled comrades on a 4-mile a stroll through quaint, vibrant Harlingen ruck during the cold, bitter night.

On the bus ride back to civilization, cadets forget all the seriousness they acquired, as they frolic and eat pogey bait from Mickey D’s and watch movies on the glaring and tilted Charter bus screens. When they return home at last, cadets embrace their new identity as stone cold killers, and dream of one day joining the Army.