Friday, February 01, 2013

With Superbowl Sunday upon us, I figured there was no better time to get this cut-throat game going. I'm sure I forgot someone -- I went to bed without including Eric Decker! -- so let me have it in the comments. And please remember: This is only MY opinion. This list isn't being compiled by a consensus of people at Out magazine or even Cosmo. Sexual attraction is very personal -- and everyone's entitled to his/her own preferences. I'm just sharing mine. Here we go:

1. Howie Long: This crush runs deep and long. From my days in Los Angeles carrying around a photo of the hunky Raiders defensive end, to his silly Radio Shack commercials with Teri Hatcher to his current assignment in the commentators booth, the man drives me absolutely wild.

2. Eric Decker: I think I have let my feelings be known about the Broncos wide receiver. I mean, really: Shouldn't there be a law against this? We can only take so much.

3. Adam Vinatieri: Rarely do you learn much about a kicker (he plays for the Colts, formerly Patriots), but the second I saw his handsome mug, he became a top priority on my blog ... then I found out about the body.

4. Mike Alstott: If someone asked me to illustrate what sex looks like, I would refer them to photos of this former Tampa fullback. I mean honestly.

5. Heath Shuler: The whole Heath vs. Gus drama played out the entire time I was living in Washington. And while I never cared who was the starting quarterback, I was happy watching either on the field. It turned out Heath sucked even more than Gus, so he retired. Many years later, I thought it was cool when Heath surfaced and became a Democratic congressman, until I realized he was one of those bullshit Blue Dogs, which as far as I'm concerned is the same thing as a Republican.

6. Brady Quinn: He was a big fish in an Irish pond, and now he's not. But we'll always have the memory of these photos.

8. David Carr: This QB has spent most of his career warming up benches (he does it for Eli Manning these days), but he never fails to get me hot and bothered. So you can imagine my delight when I ran into him at LAX!

9. Craig James: There are surprisingly few photos of the sexy running back from Texas. Luckily, he got better with age, and even though he's become a bit of an overprotective father as well as a Republican political candidate, he was as nice as he could be when I accosted his shirtlesss ass in Los Angeles a few years ago and asked for a photo. (FYI: Craig is Michael's Number 1!)

10. Tom Brady: What's most annoying about the Patriots QB is not only does he look like a quarterback from Central Casting, marry the world's most beautiful woman, and have the most beautiful children. He's also arguably the best to ever play the position.

11. Joey Harrington: Greatness wasn't in the cards for this former Lions QB. But he sure was nice to look at.

12. Kyle Boller: The former QB for the Ravens, Rams and Raiders may be living an embarrassing cliche -- he married that heinous Miss California named Carrie Prejean,who tried to spin her negative response to the Prop 8 question into a career -- but this cliche includes being the hunk quarterback every gay guy lusts after.

13. Steve Young: The Hall of Fame quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers is arguably less attractive than he was in his prime. But something about him in a suit and tie nowadays gets me more revved up than he ever did before.

14. Jesse Palmer: The former "Bachelor" has got all of the "football player from Central Casting" features that Tom Brady has, only he can't play. Who cares?

15. Pat Tillman: The former Arizona State linebacker and Cardinals safety was as handsome and All-American as you can get. RIP.

16. Colt Brennan: The college standout's pro career went over like a sexual assault allegation. But we'll always have the memory of him looking ever so Bruce Weber perfect on the field ...

17/ Mark Sanchez: Make what you will of the fact that I initially forgot to put the Jets QB on the list. (There's always modeling, Mark.)

18. David Akers: Look for the former Eagles place kicker Sunday (he plays for the 49ers now). You know your competition is tough when you look like this and you're not the highest-ranked kicker on the list!

19.. Neil Lomax: In 1988, Phoenix got its first pro football team -- the Arizona Cardinals, as they were known then -- and the PR blitz was on. Above the copier in the newsroom where I was working was a huge poster of QB Neil Lomax, which made even the worst paper jam tolerable ...

20. Gus Frerotte: When all was said and done, this QB ended up playing for the Washington Redskins, Detroit Lions, Denver Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, and St. Louis Rams. But when I was living in D.C., his battle with Heath Shuler for the starting position was the sports equivalent of "Melrose Place."

21. Doug Flutie: For a little guy, he had a long career -- and even got a cereal named after himself. And the handsome do-gooder is still lookin' good at 50.

22. Jake Plummer: The former Arizona State and Denver Broncos QB was the object of my affection for many years early in my blog, for reasons that should be readily apparent.

23. Jeremy Bloom: The Olympic skier turned professional football player's second career didn't exactly amount to much. But the guy is a true Renaissance Man, whose third act in philanthropy may be his biggest success yet.

24. Clint Didier was a tight end for the Washington Redskins in the '80s. But it's his rugged "North Dallas Forty" looks that allow me to overlook the fact that he became a Tea Party Senate candidate in the 2010 midterms.

25. Brett Favre: Admittedly, he did become a major pain in the ass by unretiring more often than Cher. And his Croc-shot was disappointing, to say the least. But there's no denying he was stud in his Green Bay heyday -- "There's Something About Mary" says it all -- and even matured into a sexy bear.

Nicely done, Kenneth! I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into this list. While I don't recognize a lot of the names, I will concur that they are HOT! And that's all that matters. ;) Would have preferred my beloved Tim Tebow further up the list, but at least he made the list. And glad the Mannings were at least mentioned if not on the official list. Great job!

Loved the you have the Atrain- Mike Alstott so high on the list but as a Bucs fan I always loved John Lynch too. Great looking and great body! Could never decide between the too. And they both get better looking with age. Bo Bucs!

More than any other athletes, football players are interchangable. During the game, you can't see their faces because of the helmets, and you can't check out their bodies because of the pads. On the rare occasion that you see one of them out of uniform, there's that unfortunate drawback they all share: no necks.

Is it humanly possible to assemble a list like this and simultaneously cloak your personal preferences regarding physical traits? Probably not, and this sort of stuff is just for fun anyway, right? OK, so the blogger has a mustache fetish. We all have our own individual fetishes. I think that had Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck (as Magnum PI) had been NFL players they would they have topped this list. Oh, wait! Isn't Tom Selleck a REPUBLICAN??? My issue with this list isn't the men in it...it's with the typical, tired, stereotypically catty political comments for anyone who dare be to the right of the "mainstream gay left". These sheep just can't let a sexy guy just be a sexy guy without whining that they might be so much hotter if they weren't so wrong and mean and stupid and.... mean and wrong. Ugh.