002 - Star Trek: The Next Generation Lost Episode - The Windows EncounterWe
move into the future, where Captain Picard is trying to keep the galaxy safe
for users of all computer makes and models...(author anonymous)

STAR
TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION: LOST EPISODE - THE WINDOWS ENCOUNTER

Picard:
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness
in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi:
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives
on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi
presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker
looks puzzled: "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data
turns to answer: "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some
reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their
root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable
rate."

Picard:
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing
systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data:
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of
itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially
with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually
all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."

Picard:
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape'
idea."

Data:
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit
and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have
not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi:
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity
to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate
for their increase."

Picard:
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we
have missed."

Data:
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently
the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration
cards.

Geordi,
excited: "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped
to 0%!"

Picard:
"Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data:
"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire'
and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard:
"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Riker:
"Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi:
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased
CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources
I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows'
modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Data:
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

Over
the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.
WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER
ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

Data:
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands
of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard:
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

Riker:
"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship
with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data:
"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe
you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century
man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

Riker
and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers!!"

Geordi:
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun
in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data:
"True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker:
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of
papers."

Data:
"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves
fatal."

Riker:
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard:
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve
that."