Reader learns much from salmon woes

Letter to the Editor

Posted: Friday, December 22, 2006

Hello my name is King. King Salmon. I plan on bringing my hydrocarbon soaked body back home in July to die.

I am deeply touched by all the sympathy that all the user groups are showing me since I went to sea as a small fry. I want to thank each of you as I come up the inlet. I don’t forget anyone in my old age.

First, thanks to all the setnetters, who give me a maze of nets to get through. It keeps my mind sharp for what’s to come. Thanks for using 2-stroke motors. You are preparing me for secondhand smoke that gets worse farther up.

Thank you, city of Kenai, for putting in the new boat ramps to get more boats in the water faster. I must not forget the runoff you give from your roads and parking lots. Love those hydrocarbons.

Thank you, dipnetters, for your hydrocarbon contributions and for letting me go when I get in your net. We all know you are just after my brother “Red.”

Thanks for using 2-strokes to get to and from your big boats, it shows your concern.

Thanks to you, DEC, for testing the water at Warren Ames Bridge in July. Did you happen to notice the 300 or 400 boats back trolling a mile above you?

Last, thanks to all the guides and fisherman, who are so, so concerned about my welfare. Now I get to dodge boats going up and down the river at 30 mph. This way you can get from Soldotna to the bridge twice a day for all your clients.

I learned a couple of things at sea. First don’t trust killer whales, they have a different agenda than what whey tell me. Second, is everyone really concerned about me, or the value I’m worth to them?

If the Lord doesn’t let me spawn, I wish He would let me be caught by gramp’s and gram’s fisherman. I hope they are in a leaky 16-foot Larsen, powered by a 35 HP Johnson “Alaskian,” with the grandson baling out water.

No pictures please. This tired and battered body has seen better days.

When you put the lemon pepper on my flesh, say a prayer for me. Thank God for my kind and ask for some wisdom in sorting this thing out. Please give my boys a chance to spawn.