Getting into shape

So after meeting with Ms. Linda at Streamlines, she referred me to a Ms. Gluteus Maximus, a 90-year-old retired personal trainer. We convinced her to come out of retirement.

Comment

By Bobby Moore, special to the Daily Leader

Stuttgart Daily Leader - Stuttgart, AR

By Bobby Moore, special to the Daily Leader

Posted Mar. 19, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Updated Mar 19, 2013 at 11:36 AM

By Bobby Moore, special to the Daily Leader

Posted Mar. 19, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Updated Mar 19, 2013 at 11:36 AM

STUTTGART

Getting up there in years, I decided to see my doctor about an exercise program. After examining me, Dr. Y. told me he really didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but he said if I were a building, I would be condemned.

He recommended that I join a fitness center but insisted I get an experienced trainer. By experienced, I was sure he meant someone old. So after meeting with Ms. Linda at Streamlines, she referred me to a Ms. Gluteus Maximus, a 90-year-old retired personal trainer. We convinced her to come out of retirement.

Before she became a personal trainer, she started a career in the service. They used her to frighten Marine drill sergeants during World War II. After she finished her career being a personal trainer, she worked in a furniture store for awhile.

Once she appeared on a popular talk show and did the splits at age 85, probably the reason she walks a little bow-legged.

One of my coffee drinking buddies remembered her. He said he went in the furniture store where she worked once looking for a love seat.

When he approached her, he asked, “Can you show me something in a love seat?”

She answered promptly, “I could have 50 years ago.” That Ms. Maximus is a corker.

When she met me at the fitness center, she asked me why I wanted to get in shape. I told her I wanted to get rid of my pot belly and do something about my skinny legs. She replied, “Yeah, the last time I saw legs like yours, there was a message attached to them.”

I went on to tell her people made fun of my skinny legs in high school, that the students said I had killdeer legs.

“Well,” she said, trying to cheer me up, “we might get them to Rhode Island Red size, but Domernecker size is out of the question,” she replied emphatically.

She then proceeded to show me where my calves were although she said mine reminded her of veal. So the first day we worked hard on my calves. The next day I asked her, “What did you call those things down on my leg?”

“Calves?” she answered puzzlingly.”

“Yeah,” I said, “those little fellers shore were sore this morning.”

“That’s right,” she said encouragingly, “no pain, no gain!”

Page 2 of 2 - When I told her I needed to be scanned for amount of body fat, she replied confidently, “You don’t need to waste money on those scientific methods. She then informed me of a cheap method. “You take your clothes off and stand in front of a mirror. Hold a stop watch in one hand and then jump as high as you can. When you land back on the floor, engage the stop watch. If your fat shakes longer than 10 seconds, you have a problem.”

When she pressed me for my time the next day, I was reluctant to tell. Finally, I blurted it out. “Okay, two minutes!”

That’s when she told me we had a lot of work to do.

When she started me on the treadmill, I thought of Rita Rudner’s story. She said she walked on a treadmill until her legs felt like rubber, and her shoes were filled with sweat. Looking at the meter, she discovered she had burned 23 calories. “Well,” she quipped, “that takes care of those two peanuts I ate yesterday.”

She also had a quote about aerobics. Why do they call it aerobics? She said several fitness trainers got together and decided they couldn’t charge $20 an hour if they called it jumping up and down.

Joan Rivers said, “When I see a jogger smiling, I will try it.”

Well, it’s been nearly five months now, and Ms. Maximus and I have been working hard on my biceps. Ever since I was in high school, I have always wanted to walk up to someone, flex my bicep muscle and ask, “Have you ever seen this on your mamma’s soda box?”