Everything I Know About The Fault In Our Stars (Without Reading the Book)

It’s impossible to ignore the popularity of John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars. The book is a full- blown phenomenon. The movie is in the works, of course, and that will only boost the book’s hype. But I haven’t read it. I haven’t seen one little word of the book. I haven’t even looked at the back cover, and I usually get the title wrong—The Fault of Our Stars, A Faulty Star, The Fault of Stairs?

But I think I know everything about the book because I’m a smug blogger. Though I have yet to turn to page one, here's my review of The Vault of Our Stares, and my reasons for not reading it.

1. It’s about sick kids. The kids love each other but die and that makes everyone think about life and stuff. The main point of the book is probably "Seize the day!" Or maybe "Love beats cancer!" Because everyone has cancer, the book is super sad, which is why I don’t want to read it. If I wanted to cry, I’d staple my thumb, or watch the end of The Iron Giant, both of which take less time than reading a novel.

2. You can’t make fun of the book. When a book is about sick kids, only a mega-ass would go around mocking the book. If Twilight included a character with terminal cancer, Blogging Twilight would make me seem like a bully no matter how horrible the book’s writing and story. This is stupid because the characters are fictional, but making fun of fictional dying kids still seems illegal.

3. It’s not all sad. I’ve been told parts of the book are funny and charming. Maybe the whole thing is charming! But it’s also sad. And John Green worked in a children’s hospital and this first-hand experience leads me to believe all the sad stuff will be DOUBLE-SAD!

4. The book helped usher in the trend of Sick Lit. Sick Lit is the genre of YA books about sick kids that teens read because publishers know teens like to read about sick kids. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT?! One on hand, a well-crafted book about serious illness or mental health disorders can truly connect with a young audience. On the other hand, right now a million hack writers are at their computers making the most irresponsible books about cancer just because they know it will sell. And when illness is exploited for the sake of sales, I barf and shiver. This is wrong. Eww. Eww! EWW!!!

5. There are no aliens, robots, or weaponized monster trucks, so I will need to add those in later.

6. The author John Green seems like a super great person and it warms the heart when a talented writer achieves the success they deserve. Can someone write a book about a talented author who is successful? Write about something happy? Instead of sick kids? And with monster trucks? Thanks!

7. People get angry when you say you haven’t read it. I’m sorry! I’ve been very busy!

8. If you tell people, “I don’t really like sad stories,” they think you’re ignorant and argue that a good book must also be sad. And then you get in a fight about it. And then Christmas is ruined.

9. I’ve read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and it bummed me out for a month. That’s why I don’t like sad books about sad things. My life is too short to spend time feeling depressed because pretend people are having a rough life.