Disarming the Jealousy Complex

The recent postMad about You distinguished two different kinds of jealousy. The simple variety occurs in all relationships. Absent chronic resentment, this minor form of jealousy motivates the partners to reconnect. The current post describes how to regulate complex jealousy, before it destroys your relationships and drives you crazy.

Simple Jealousy Can Get ComplicatedRelationship dynamics can complicate even simple jealousy, especially when the parties are insensitive to each other's different personality traits and temperamental qualities. For instance, an introverted partner is likely to disagree with an extroverted partner's interpretation of "appropriate" interactions with the opposite sex. What is honest "friendliness" for one can seem "flirtatious" to the other. What sincerely feels like "consideration" to one: "You should show me respect," honestly feels like "control" or even "oppression" to the other—"You don't want me to be friendly! You don't want me to be who I am! You're trying to keep me down!"

This is still simple jealousy, without the paranoid or obsessional nuances of its darker cousin. The introverted partner is neither accusing the other of infidelity nor obsessing about the friendliness of the more sociable partner. It is really a classic temperamental error that occurs in most relationships: judging your partner by how you would react, even though your partner has a different temperament, different experiences, and different developmental and emotional history. Though we're all tempted to do this, it's really a form of narcissism—the way I would react is the standard for all decent people; so you have to conform to what I think is appropriate.

Reconciling disputes born of temperamental differences is the subject of another post. In short, it requires binocular vision - the ability to see your partner's perspective alongside your own, indeed, to see the world through his/her eyes at the same time you see it through your own. Binocular vision, perhaps the most important of relationship skills, makes the world seem richer and more dynamic. Failure of binocular vision creates a reactive narcissism (you're incapable of seeing your loved one apart from how you feel about him/her) and, of course, more jealousy.

Disarming Complex Jealousy

1. Don't trust obsessions. They greatly distort reality. If you can't stop thinking about your partner flirting with someone else, you must distrust the thought process. The longer obsessive thinking goes on, the more certain you become and the more likely you are wrong.

2. Regulate core hurts. The primary component of complex jealousy is self-diminishment - you feel unlovable and inadequate as an intimate partner. These "core hurts" give rise to the obsessions. If, in my heart, I don't believe that I am worthy of love, how can I believe someone who says she loves me? I will assume that she doesn't know the real me, or she wants something else (my money, house, car, or socks), or she wants someone else. Because I cannot possibly be enough for her, I will look for "clues" that she is seeking fulfillment somewhere else. Many studies show that whatever the brain looks for, it will find.

When attacked by the painful feeling of unworthiness, before it stimulates a cycle of obsessions and revenge motives, ask yourself out loud:

"What can I do to feel more lovable and adequate?"

Just uttering the words will make it clear that devaluing, belittling, hassling, or punishing your loved one is unlikely to make you feel like a lovable and adequate partner.

To feel worthy of love and adequate as an attachment figure, begin by trying as hard as you can to see the world through your partner's eyes and to feel what it's like in his/her shoes. Appreciate that he/she probably feels unlovable and inadequate as well. Think of what you can do to help the both of you feel more worthy of love.

3. Focus on compassion, not trust. If you have suffered from complex jealousy, you don't have the confidence to trust. Focus instead on compassion for yourself and your loved one. Compassion, an important component of your core values, is sympathy for core hurts, with a motivation to heal, improve, appreciate, connect, or protect. Trust will eventually return, after a long period of self-compassion and compassion for loved ones. But it will fall apart almost immediately if you try to trust without a great deal of sustained compassion.

4. Follow the self-correcting motivation of simple jealousy. Be more compassionate, supportive, cooperative, and loving. Be mindful of the assets your partner brings to the relationship. Think of what you can do at this moment to make your relationship stronger.

Over time, this determined effort to strengthen your relationship will alleviate much of complex jealousy. But if it has become a habit, i.e., a conditioned response to feeling inadequate or unlovable, you may need a course in core value and emotional reconditioning (CompassionPower) or focused psychotherapy to make significant changes.

Hi Steven, these are great points! I really love the binocular vision concept. This is similar to communication problems between a couple. Some couples blame lack of intimacy because of communication problems. However, it all boils down to conversational preferences, which is similar to your point regarding temperamental differences. Couples should not take it personally when their partner has a different preference or temperament. An individual should talk to his / her partner and address each other's preferences. This could lead to be better understanding of what your partner values.

Dr. Stosny,
Do most habits require emotional reconditioning? How would you choose someone to do focused psychotherapy with and not be led astray? In a article that was linked on your post "Who Me: How do you know if you need therapy?" It says these are some of the signs to seek therapy "inability to set or attain goals" and "a feeling of being stuck" in the stuck one is that for a particular area? Some areas I do feel stuck, haven't figured it out yet, and other areas I don't.

This sentence is intriguing, "Many studies show that whatever the brain looks for, it will find."
What exactly does this mean and what studies have shown this to be true? I am thinking that it means if your brain is looking for a clue to back up an irrational belief, it will find one. Like if I suspect my husband is cheating and set my brain out to find clues that back that up, I will find clues that may remotely back it up and conclude that my paranoid theory is right?

I suppose then if you use your binocular vision, truly know and understand your partner (have compassion for where they are coming from, and still do not like/approve of the way they treat you/are acting... you need a new partner.

?

I feel like the crux of this article is how to be a mature adult 101-the fact that there is even a need for this talk is distressing.

ME: was separated after married 26 years, four sons all over 21.
Meet SHE was married (thought) had a child now 16, found out husband was a bigamist - he then absconded.
We are deeply in love, as a result I have now jointly filed for divorce - to enable me to marry SHE. We have stated jointly that we should never hide anything. As a consequence when my ex recently came to me and asked to help her financially - I went to SHE and told her advising that I had refused the request. As a consequence SHE explained that she was now very unhappy because SHE has fears of my ex always being around and a complication - also citing that there is a small picture still in my wallet of myself - my ex and four then younger sons, as well as a similar picture on the wall in my home (lounge room).
I have initially felt that our future may now be threatened due to SHE'S thoughts but have come to the conclusion (I think may be right) that SHE's old feelings (fears of re-occurrence) of of her failed marriage may have been triggered by my telling of my ex coming back with her request for financial assistance.
SHE has stated to me - asked how I would feel if she carried a picture of a past boyfriend or the bigamist around with her, even though I believe my situation is a little different I have understood more deeply her pain as a result of her explaining this to me.
I have tried to feel that My love SHE is simply opening her emotions to me about her dark past and expressing a sincere request that I affirm this is not going to happen to her again in our marriage. I know this dark feeling will re-occur again but I have told her understand her feelings and that we can work together to overcome this in the future through just understanding our feelings.
I think I have in a small way tried to look at this situation with binocular vision.

ME: was separated after married 26 years, four sons all over 21.
Meet SHE was married (thought) had a child now 16, found out husband was a bigamist - he then absconded.
We are deeply in love, as a result I have now jointly filed for divorce - to enable me to marry SHE. We have stated jointly that we should never hide anything. As a consequence when my ex recently came to me and asked to help her financially - I went to SHE and told her advising that I had refused the request. As a consequence SHE explained that she was now very unhappy because SHE has fears of my ex always being around and a complication - also citing that there is a small picture still in my wallet of myself - my ex and four then younger sons, as well as a similar picture on the wall in my home (lounge room).
I have initially felt that our future may now be threatened due to SHE'S thoughts but have come to the conclusion (I think may be right) that SHE's old feelings (fears of re-occurrence) of of her failed marriage may have been triggered by my telling of my ex coming back with her request for financial assistance.
SHE has stated to me - asked how I would feel if she carried a picture of a past boyfriend or the bigamist around with her, even though I believe my situation is a little different I have understood more deeply her pain as a result of her explaining this to me.
I have tried to feel that My love SHE is simply opening her emotions to me about her dark past and expressing a sincere request that I affirm this is not going to happen to her again in our marriage. I know this dark feeling will re-occur again but I have told her understand her feelings and that we can work together to overcome this in the future through just understanding our feelings.
I think I have in a small way tried to look at this situation with binocular vision.

ME: was separated after married 26 years, four sons all over 21.
Meet SHE was married (thought) had a child now 16, found out husband was a bigamist - he then absconded.
We are deeply in love, as a result I have now jointly filed for divorce - to enable me to marry SHE. We have stated jointly that we should never hide anything. As a consequence when my ex recently came to me and asked to help her financially - I went to SHE and told her advising that I had refused the request. As a consequence SHE explained that she was now very unhappy because SHE has fears of my ex always being around and a complication - also citing that there is a small picture still in my wallet of myself - my ex and four then younger sons, as well as a similar picture on the wall in my home (lounge room).
I have initially felt that our future may now be threatened due to SHE'S thoughts but have come to the conclusion (I think may be right) that SHE's old feelings (fears of re-occurrence) of of her failed marriage may have been triggered by my telling of my ex coming back with her request for financial assistance.
SHE has stated to me - asked how I would feel if she carried a picture of a past boyfriend or the bigamist around with her, even though I believe my situation is a little different I have understood more deeply her pain as a result of her explaining this to me.
I have tried to feel that My love SHE is simply opening her emotions to me about her dark past and expressing a sincere request that I affirm this is not going to happen to her again in our marriage. I know this dark feeling will re-occur again but I have told her understand her feelings and that we can work together to overcome this in the future through just understanding our feelings.
I think I have in a small way tried to look at this situation with binocular vision.

Tell your fiance that your wife was a part of your life for close to 30 years and that if she needs help getting on her feet after the divorce, you are going to help her. If she gets bent out of shape over a picture in your wallet, you have some big problems brewing. I have a suspicion that she may have more to her past than she is telling you.

regarding feeling of jealousy, many times what you think it was 'binocular vision' was actually the reality. If and/or when I was jealous, it was my partner who did it in purpose, to test my love for them; or in the case of another, he was down right thinks flirting is more than ok.
My point was that, it was not all your silly imagination.

regarding feeling of jealousy, many times what you think it was 'binocular vision' was actually the reality. If and/or when I was jealous, it was my partner who did it in purpose, to test my love for them; or in the case of another, he was down right thinks flirting is more than ok.
My point was that, it was not all your silly imagination.

I appreciated the article and the comments. I have become a very jealous wife. To get to the point....my husband looks at women's butts right in front of me as if I'm not there. On other occasions, he has emailed or talked with ex girlfriends from decades back. Through time, my anger and jealousy have increased. I speak out about how disrespectful are his actions. In return, he says he loves and wants only me...or when will I get to really know him. We've been married six years...friends first for 8 years. He never showed this behavior while dating. I can't help but think that if he changed his behavior I would feel better and less jealous or angry. I don't remember feeling this way while in previous relationships. I don't know how long we both can keep this up. Now, I'm not very nice when I feel disrespected. I blast him verbally. I feel like I'm losing myself.