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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wednesday

We went to the doctor this morning. Last friday they did a blood test that measures cancer indicators. I believe the doc said that the normal indicator is between 14 and 19 or 16 and 19, Jim's was 221. He continues to battle nausea and fatigue.At some point the will probably drain the liquid that is accumulating in his stomach. The pressure of the liquid pushes up on his lungs and can give an increased chance of pneumonia. He has also lost two more pounds since last Friday.He continues to be his calm self most of the time, he said to me last night that he was sorry for putting me through this. Jim's mom died of pancreatic cancer and he know his mom really suffered.The plan is no life saving measures but continued comfort measures. We are going to San Diego for a few days in early August. The doc will give him b12 shots before we go to give him a little more energy.For those of you that might be wondering about Liana, she is suffering. Jim is the only dad she has ever known, and they have such a special relationship. His pet name for her is "Mabel" and last night he said, there won't be anyone to call her "Mabel" anymore. It's these little things that just hurt so much.I go through an hour of feeling ok, then feel like the word fell on me. I look and see the beauty of the natural world, and feel some sense of comfort. I just sent an email to someone and I told him that there is so little to say, and at the same time so much to say. I can't figure out how to talk about the hollow feeling that now lives in my chest, and yet we still walk and work through the day. Please if anyone would like to email jim his email is jhmartinse@aol.com I can tell you that you will get the same old Jim that never complains about anything.I continue to search for comfort through reading, contemplation, and prayer.As always, keep Jim in your prayers and thoughts for mental and spiritual peace.Blessings and love to all of you.Dawn