Five Years. it is a long time. it is not a long time. it is hundreds of days and not yet a hundred new moons. it heaves and stretches, encompassing births and deaths and vows and betrayals. it contracts and tightens, endless chewing mouths and kissing lips and sleeping eyelids and emptying bladders. Five Years. there was a moment, contained in a small and dim room, five years ago when what was ceased to be and what would become suddenly and without warning became. one moment. it is not a long time. it is a long time.

the buddhists say that yer hair is yer karma.

so i think back, pull myself follicle first through the space and time spanning these five years, and i wonder,

what acts are these dreads locking tight into their core?

are they born of sweet intention, of reaching, vining truth and courage?

or are they twisty, black-lipped and biting, lies and their creatures sprung from fear and faithlessness?

i couldn’t say for sure, though i am certain there is plenty of each; the sweetness and the teeth. and within that certainty lies the heft and particular shape of my own human-ness. i simply Am.

Five Years. from the time my world shattered – shattered – until now. now, the time my world is spinning and steady and delighted and struggle-y and full. Five Years i have held this karma, these deeds, in all of my human hair, in all of my other-earthly soul. Five Years. it is time

to let go.

“it may so be that what is right and what is good consist in staying open to the tensions… and in recognizing the sign of life in what we undergo without certainty about what will come.” -judith butler