Brian Malow

Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I’ve been performing stand up comedy for two decades. I get all the stage time I need. But I realize not everyone has such an outlet. And, yet, humans are such complicated, emotional creatures. They have so much to express!

That’s why I’ve always been fascinated with vanity plates and bumper stickers. And I’ve always lumped them in with answering machine outgoing messages and Karaoke. I think, for some people, these might be the only outlets they have through which to express themselves to the world. They have so much to say – and so little space! But humans are creative.

And humans that drive the Toyota Prius Hybrid Vehicle in the San Francisco Bay Area… well, they are particularly creative. And consistent with their message. I keep seeing hybrids with green-themed vanity plates. Not every one below is a Prius, but most of them are.

Have you seen any other vanity plates with environmental themes or messages? Let me know!

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The article comes out in time to promote my upcoming Bay Area shows – Tuesday at the San Francisco Punch Line, and Wednesday in Sunnyvale at Rooster T. Feathers. Also, a week later at the Sacramento Punch Line on January 22.

This weekend, the San Francisco Chronicle should be running a story about me in conjunction with next week’s shows at the SF Punch Line Comedy Club (Tues, Jan.13) and Rooster T. Feathers (Wed, Jan.14), in Sunnyvale. See Upcoming Shows for details.

A Chronicle photographer, Paul Chinn, met me over at the new California Academy of Sciences several weeks ago for a photo shoot.

They spelled my name “Brain” (I’m used to it) and called the show “Irrational Comedy for an Irrational Planet” (which is close – the planet is, indeed, irrational but the comedy is rational)… but it’s still pretty cool.

[In the comments, Jim Hardy brought it to my attention that they also misspelled “science-themd.” Three mistakes in two sentences!]

The feature is dated 12/29/08. Nobody even told me it was online. I had to do a vanity search on the Chronicle site. Interestingly, it only works if you search on “Malow” or “Brain Malow.” A search on “Brian Malow” returns no relevant results.

Many other people, I have discovered, also grew up hearing that phrase. It’s nearly universal. As if mothers were programmed to say it. In fact, I believe mothers have been telling their children to “stand up straight” longer than we realize. Perhaps even to pre-human days.

What if that were the driving force behind the evolutionary trend to walk erect?

Mothers nagging their children up the evolutionary ladder:

“Stand up straight! “Don’t drag your knuckles when you walk! “What’re ya born in a tree? “You want the other families to think we’re not evolving?”

Once, when I was maybe ten years old, I asked my dad, “Why is the sky blue?”

A pretty reasonable question for a little ten-year-old scientist. But he wasn’t in the mood.

He said, “Go ask your mother.”

And I thought: Great, she knows.

I turned from my dad, and headed toward the kitchen, knowing I was one step closer to having my answer.

And as I rounded the corner, I was experiencing the thrill of the Scientific Method. I was following in the footsteps of Galileo and Isaac Newton.

And, to a certain degree, I was correct. I was, indeed, one step closer to my answer. Not the answer, but an answer.

There she stood. I took a deep breath, and asked her, “Mom, why is the sky blue?”

And I’ll never forget her response:

“Because I said so.”

At first, I was in awe of my mother. Later, I learned not to trust her in matters of science.

(The real reason the sky is blue has to do with light scattering by oxygen and nitrogen molecules. The Usenet Physics FAQ of UC Riverside has a good explanation – including the role Albert Einstein played in proving it was the air molecules themselves that were responsible and not particles of dust or droplets of water vapor suspended in the air)

I’m a Jew from Texas – a relatively rare breed, we can’t even propagate in the wild.

So, before my migration to Northern California – which is counter to the eastward migratory pattern characteristic of my kind – a migration which, over time, deposits us in the Sunshine State like calcium carbonate on a stalagmite – I had the opportunity to make sociological and psychological observations of an uncommon species.

I hope to someday publish my findings and share with the world these curious and fantastic tales.

The working title of my book is The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Yarmulke.