I love writing about topics that spark my curiosity, which dovetails nicely with what I am covering here: Millennial workplace trends, corporate renegades, and pop culture. I grew up in Oregon, and currently live in New York City. I love all things business and admire the entrepreneurs who are able to transform their dreams into profit.

Why Are So Many Professional Millennial Women Unable To Find Dateable Men?

My Millennial-aged girl friends and I never doubted that we would accomplish all of our life goals. Everything, thus far, has pretty much gone according to our plans. We were accepted into the right college, landed the dream job, and developed a network of amazing friends. Our apartments are beautifully decorated and we have closets full of stylish clothing. Romance hasn’t been entirely sidelined, but we don’t waste our time trying to cultivate a relationship unless someone is really amazing.

But now, a growing number of Millennial women are beginning to fret over the unanticipated consequences of prioritizing our careers before love. And I only need to look at my group of friends to see this reality. Again and again, year after year, my successful, gorgeous, and amazing friends remain kiss-less on New Year’s Eve. And on Valentine’s Day. And on the 4th of July. The only dateable men we encounter are either attached, gay, or otherwise involved in “it’s complicated” situations. We are coming to the realization that we were unwittingly playing a game of musical chairs — while everyone was pairing up, those focused on our careers are left standing alone.

And we can’t figure out what is happening.

“I don’t think the issue is that men used to be great and now they’re not,” says Jezebel’s Katie J.M. Baker. “Women used to feel more pressure to get married and have kids earlier, and prioritize those goals above the others.” Add to that women’s ability now to be self-sufficient financially and supported socially by so many friends in the same boat, it shouldn’t be that surprising so many Millennial women are single. Except to us singletons, it isn’t supposed to be this way.

When it comes to romance, Millennial women are typically described using several broad strokes that don’t reflect nuance or contradictions. We are the hook-up generation. We are afraid of commitment. We are ball-busters or fairy-tale dreamers. Each cliché may have elements of truth, but the fuller story is a result of several influencing and interconnected factors.

For one, it’s not as if we are holding out for Jake Gyllenhaal, but we do have certain non-negotiable expectations for potential mates that include college degrees and white-collar jobs. Life has always gone according to our plans, so why wouldn’t we land a man with these (reasonable) requirements?

This unwillingness to settle for less than we think we deserve is joined by a lax attitude towards searching for potential mates. We’re busy dominating the world. We don’t have time to hang out at bars. While some of us explore online dating or take a more proactive approach, the majority of Millennial women have long assumed we would meet Prince Charming via friends, or through their own social circles. “Why should we waste our precious time and energy unless we meet someone we really connect with and care about?” asks Baker. “I think it’s great that Millennial women are picky and don’t feel as much pressure to be in monogamous relationships as did previous generations. I do think all Millennials, not just women, are used to the idea of being able to ‘curate’ experiences — that’s why so many people are into online dating, because you can pick and choose character traits — and that makes people wary about settling down, especially when, in a city like New York, there are so many options.”

Unfortunately these assumptions bump up against the growing inequality between the two genders. Millennial women have taken it for granted that they will pair up with equal partners. But increasingly, there aren’t enough of these men to go around. Women now outnumber men on college campuses, and single, childless women out earn their male counterparts. In fact, as author Liza Mundy writes in her book, The Richer Sex, Millennial women are increasingly finding two options when it comes to romance: marry down or don’t marry. “There needs to be a cognitive behavior change in what are [considered] important traits,” says Mundy. “I talk to so many women who are obsessed with finding men on their level. They want someone as ambitious, engaged, and high-achieving as they are. They maybe need to rethink that to seek a partner who is supportive, rather than competitive.”

Or, accomplished women hold firm in searching for impressive men to help them feel they are getting anything out of the partnership. “They have this list of qualities (smart, has a job, knows something about culture or the world, etc) that seem pretty reasonable, but so few men meet the requirements,” says Melanie Shreffler, a marketing consultant on Millennial culture. “Going back centuries, it was just a contract between two parties. Love and even friendship or liking each other weren’t important. If you were lucky, they developed over time. But now, we think we can find a guy who will be our best friend, our other half, who we will love before we marry. Finding that in a guy that we also find attractive makes the probability of finding a “good match” even less.”

Plus, many Millennial women are in the uncertain “grey” age range where we aren’t sure if we need to start stressing out over our single status and lower our standards. Or whether we simply need to remain patient that the right man will come along.

There is also an odd paradox in that Millennial women can be outright ambitious in their professional lives, but the same approach towards dating conveys desperation. “[Marriage] is a worthy goal,” say Mundy. “It’s strange that it’s stigmatized. When women work as explicitly hard to find romance and they do for their careers, they are seen as man-hungry. It’s a shame since studies show that marriage makes one healthier and happier. There’s no shame in wanting a great life.”

At the very least, Millennial women can always turn to those in relationships for helpful dating solutions. “If your utmost priority is to find a mate, maybe you should think about the qualities that are most important to you and keep that in mind when writing people off,” says Baker. “But I don’t want that to come off as me encouraging women to ‘settle’ — because I’d personally rather be single than in a relationship with someone who isn’t worth it.”

And there’s always the popular suggestion to move to another state with a more favorable male-female ratio. It worked for my sister who found her boyfriend in Alaska.

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One element is that I think young women are less willing to “invest” in a relationship. No relationship is perfect and spending time require significant compromises & changes. Women in the past often wanted to marry successful men because it was often one of the few paths to social success & stability. Now women feel they have more options so they place less focus on having a relationship. However when they do want to have them guess what? They are still looking for those same successful men as partners plus they need to be more romantic, concerned for kids, willing to adjust to a competing career, and other additions otherwise they are “trading down”. There a lot less of those around & almost every women in the world are trying to get them because they are keepers. If young women want a relationship they will have to be willing to put more into it because while there are only a scare amount of keepers, there is a decent amount of pretty good men who will take some work to make it go. If they are not willing to do that, try to be happy being single & don’t regret the choice they made.

It’s not hard to understand why the women described in the article are having so much trouble finding a mate–they’re using overly strict criteria to eliminate perfectly good men. For instance, I don’t have a college degree, yet I am self made, ambitious and successful. But if I had been on a dating site, and one of these women saw my profile and the fact that I didn’t have a “college degree”, they probably would have immediately clicked elsewhere.

Then there’s the simple fact that it takes more than just a surface inspection to truly get to know if someone is “amazing” or “impressive” or not–their salary, educational background and even current situation may not reveal what kind of quality person they actually are. When I first met my wife, I didn’t see her as a potential romantic partner at all, she didn’t seem at all my “type”. Yet once I got to spend some real time with her I discovered that all those assumptions I had made about who I was supposed to be with were completely irrelevant. We’ve now been married over 10 years and going strong.

And the other thing is that most of the impressive men you meet that all seem to be already attached are usually impressive precisely because of the relationship they are in, and the ways that being with a good woman brings out the best in a man. I was nowhere near the man I became before I met my wife, and there’s no question she made me an infinitely better man, in just about every way.

So in the end, these women are dealing with a combination of superficial assumptions and expectations about what their mate should be, and how truly seeing the qualities that will produce a good partner usually requires scratching beneath the surface of a person.

This article is attempting to filter “love” though “logic” It doesn’t work that way. Read the last thousand years of romantic literature for proof that love and logic are 2 different things. Don’t get out your calculator and evaluate his earning potential and college degree if you want romance. Romance comes from the heart, not the brain. If you want love and romance – come from your romantic heart. If you want a sterile life without hugs or kisses, then use your logical mind to evaluate your potential mate. The choice is yours – and it is a simple choice. You cannot control love like a career, you simply accept it or reject it…

WOH – shudder just went down my spine. NON-negotiable expectation – “White-Collar” job. So much for the engineers. And wow – what a great message for our military servicemen / women. That’s why one of the most attractive things (to me) is being down-to-earth.

I served 8 years in the military. I nearly scored a perfect score on the ASVAB. I got a scholarship out of high school. I come from a family of 3 Master’s Degrees and 2 Bachelor’s. I am nearly finished with my BSEE. I like to stay healthy, I have never smoked a cigarette, or done drugs. I’ve been to a “club” twice in my life. Not my style. I find the Jersey Shore culture laughable. I like taking my dog to the beach. I am looking forward to earning 6 figures at a certain local engineering company after only 5 years of work. But – I guess I don’t make the cut because working engineers are considered blue collar.

I have a recommendation for the self-absorbed Millennials – watch “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” then tell me if you found it boring and a waste of your time. The problem is how they define – “Dateable”. This author / and her “group” of friends is probably someone who watches Ryan Gosling movies every week – who likes to sound innocent when they write their periodicals – but in the end, loses interest at the drop of a HAT if a person talking to them doesn’t stack up to those images. These people have no clue what true love really is. These are the people who “refuse to settle.” Just looking for the opposite gender version of themselves.

Great observation Caleb. I got the shudder when I read “Our apartments are beautifully decorated and we have closets full of stylish clothing. ” Hmmm. If you had said you had a pet that you resued from the shelter or that you served Thankgiving dinner at the Mission, now that would tell me something about you that is attractive and desireable. A bunch of overpriced clothes. Multiple closets. Beautuful decorations. That tells a story too. But to many folks, not an attractive self portrait. Beauty and being cherished and desired goes way deeper than a choice of tasteful knick knacks…

Well spoken, sir. I see this author and her group of friends getting together to watch Real Housewives of … wherever … and identifying with those high-maintenance, contentious, malcontent, whining, perpetually consuming women. I weep for the generation to come.

In general, Millennial women are looking for Mr. Right who is their equal but their equals (men) would rather marry-down than have to deal with egotistical, self-centered ‘equals’ who are more worried about shopping and maintaining a certain lifestyle than an actual relationship (long-term or otherwise). Men have married down for centuries and were fine, women can do the same.