Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Elementary My Dear Krzysztof

Listen up!

British 'tecs really are going to the dogs, though, aren't they.

Take Lewis. In the old days, he used to be fine. He and Morse used to crack some truly, historically, impenetrable cases. You could settle down for two glorious backlit Oxford hours with a packet of Rolos, and not have a clue who'd done it, or why, until it was all explained and satisfyingly tied up just before the end.

But these days, we all know within two minutes. It's only Lewis and his disengaged smartass sidekick who take two slack disappointing hours to plod their way to the same obvious conclusion. Thank God the murderers have also gone downhill or they'd never crack it at all.

And this morning we hear that our migrant Poles have reached the same conclusion. They've only been here five minutes, but they've already realised our cops aren't up to the job:

"Detective agencies in Poland have reported a big increase in requests for help from their countrymen in Britain who have complained of poor or apathetic responses from UK police. They say they have been “left to their own devices” or received "zero support" when they become victims of burglars, muggers and other criminals - complaints which are regularly made by British crime victims too.

The Polish private eyes also claim that the British police are helpless in the face of Polish organized crime now taking root in Britain on the coat-tails of the estimated one million Poles who have moved to Britain in recent years.

“The problem is British police can't get to grips with the workings and culture of Polish emigration or Polish criminal groups,” said one detective."

BOM readers will recognise some familiar themes here. First, our target obsessed pc police are now so useless, everyone needs to think about private policing. As we blogged here, in posh areas of London it's a major growth industry.

Second, the challenge of foreign criminals is not some BNP figment of our imagination. As we blogged here, around 15% of our prison places are filled by foreigners, and migrant crime may now be costing us c£10bn pa.

So could these Polish gumshoes help us, just like their plumbers?

The Major likes the look of Polizer detective, Zbigniew Podyma, whose website features himself next to an image of James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan (check it out here). For real.

Krzysztof Rutkowski is apparently Poland's best known detective (check his Wiki entry here) and he definitely looks the biz. He says: "I have so many cases ongoing in Britain that I'm seriously thinking about opening a branch there."

Make my day Krzysztof.

PS So why are they still making Lewis? To Morse addicts like Tyler, it always looked an ill-advised venture. And it's definitely turned out that way - paper-thin predictable plots, none of the essential tension between the main characters, and no tragic back-story bubbling away underneath. Even the back-lighting looks tired. One of the junior Tylers has helpfully suggested a complete revamp in which Rebecca Front's sadly miscast mumsy Chief is hoofed out, to be replace by a black yank no-BS exchange Chief from the projects- like that guy from the original Starsky and Hutch (pic). Lewis gets a Judge Dredd makeover, indiscriminately gunning down bad guys and witnesses alike down the length of Cornmarket. "Lewis! Five witnesses shot dead! Was that strictly necessary? I've got the Mayor all over my goddam ass and I will not tolerate any more f**k ups! IS THAT CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD!"

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Despite all the talk of cuts, government still consumes nearly half our national income. Yet many tens of billions of its spending is wasted, with taxpayers made to pick up the tab for a depressing array of overpriced sub-standard services. This is money we can no longer afford, and our National Debt is already at danger level.

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