Keith Uhlig column: On eating a cookie ... or overthinking in a home without cable television

Mar. 21, 2014

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The question popped into mind while I was looking out our front picture window on a recent Sunday eve: “Should I go get cookies?”

I pretended that there were options involved. I shouldn’t go get cookies, I told myself, because we should cut down on the amount of sugar in our diets because, experts say, it’s poison that’s killing us. What could replace cookies? There were graham crackers, which are a terrific snack when coupled with chocolate nut spread. There was Honey Nut Cheerios. There were apples, oranges and bananas.

None of those replacements seemed remotely satisfying. After mentally sifting through them, I concluded that it didn’t even pay to think about it any more. Should I go get cookies? No. Will I go get cookies? Yes. It was not optional after the word cookies and the image entered the brain.

All this could have been avoided if we kept cable TV. Thoughts of cookies would be pushed out by images of, what, guys with beards driving SUVs?

The next determination to make was, where do I get the cookies? That was easy. A convenience store offering great, but calorie-packed, cookies has opened a mile from my home.

Now how to get there? I could ride my winter bike, which has lugged tires and fenders and lights. It would be a nice little jaunt in the out of doors. But patches of ice could be lurking around a corner, and I could die. Or at least get hurt. I love cookies, but I dislike pain more.

I could drive, an awfully indulgent and downright lazy option. But driving is kinda warm, and it would be fast. I would be eating a cookie in a matter of minutes.

I could walk, taking a half hour or more. I wanted to be eating a cookie sooner than that.

Wait, I thought, there’s one more option! I could strap on a backpack and run to the store, buy the cookies and run home. That would burn calories and mitigate some health damage I would inflict on myself. Downside: the cookies would get jostled, and could break. But, broken cookies taste the same as intact cookies. In fact, whole cookies must broken up to dip into milk. Running it is!

A half hour later, I was finished with the one cookie that was broken. Now the question was ... should I have another?

Keith Uhlig can be contacted at 715-845-0651 or kuhlig@wdhmedia.com. Follow him on Twitter as @UhligK.