Fight Club Rules for Thanksgiving '17

11/21/2017 09:13 am ETUpdated
Nov 21, 2017

TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX

It’s the first Thanksgiving of President Donald J. Trump’s presidency, Americans are more divided than ever, and now it is time to head home for the holiday. In anticipation of the skirmishes expected across millions of turkey carcasses, we offer you a script of handy rules, adapted from everyone’s favorite family film, “Fight Club.”

Welcome to FIGHT CLUB THANKSGIVING 2017:

1st rule: You do not talk about THANKSGIVING.

2nd rule: You DO NOT talk about THANKSGIVING (especially not its origin story involving refugees and race relations).

3rd rule: If someone says "white lives matter" or goes limp, taps out the fight is over. (Other words that end a fight: “fake news” and racial or homophobic slurs.)

4th rule: Only two family members to a fight -- unless there is a Jill Stein voter present, in which case your uncle in the “Make America Great Again” hat wins.

5th rule: One fight at a time.

6th rule: No football, no 24-hour news stations.

7th rule: Fights will go on as long as they have to, or until Aunt Josie cries.

And the 8th and final rule of FIGHT CLUB THANKSGIVING 2017: If you didn’t vote, you HAVE to fight.