I went in for bilateral carpal tunnel surgery in April and it led to the decision it’s time to stop treating my body like an amusement park. Before the surgery, the attending staff started an IV, hooked up a heart monitor, blood pressure monitor and all the happy hoopla that goes along with surgery. I’m an old pro at surgeries. The nurses watched the heart monitor. “Well, that can’t be right” the said and moved things around. They watched and waited and moved things some more. The anesthesiologist came in. She watched my heart, and mentioned to me that my heart was ticklish. She said she did not think it was a cause for concern, and that the surgery would be safe. They said if I was having chest pain I would have been admitted to the hospital. Very similar to what my Mom went through a couple years ago. I heard the doctor and anesthesiologist discussing my heart when I awoke from the surgery, too.

At that point my father had been living with congestive heart failure for a decade. I was scared. A few weeks later he died. The death of my father has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. It has been a month and I am still having a hard time caring and getting out of this funk. I am existing. I am going on for my children but I am having a real hard time giving a flying fuck about life. I was doing really well on my diet, I had lost almost 20 pounds before my Dad died. I’ve gained back 5 or so since then and I am publicly acknowledging it’s time to focus.

So far it’s been tests and more tests… the last of which I will get the results of on Monday. So far I have found out that I have a hole in my heart. It’s likely been there since birth. My heart acts up under pressure. While the doctor says it’s probably nothing, he keeps ordering more tests. Why? I’m not sure if it’s because we have awesome insurance or if it’s just to make 100% sure I’m okay. The doctor told my husband and I that extra weight is hard on your heart. Your heart is under stress all the time. He was never judgmental or condescending, but he said losing weight was literally the best thing I could do for my heart. While I am hoping for a clean bill of health on Monday, it is time to grow up and start taking care of myself.