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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Extremes

This morning we had our first appointment since starting the shots last Friday. The scan went really well, and we saw 5 follicles. Two of them were on the right side, measuring roughly 5mm. Three of them were on the left side, measuring roughly 7mm. Judging by the ultrasound alone, we were tracking great - and all was well.

Then comes the blood work. Let me start off by saying that it's clear that I've got some serious problems with my hormone levels. SERIOUS. If you remember, when we met with the doctor - we talked at length about this issue... and the possibilities. There was a combination of drugs that we could have tried, but the doctor didn't think it was necessary yet... then there was also the possibility of testing my testosterone during the cycle and if it hadn't reached the upper limit - there was a medication that I could take to stop it right where the level was... and we could continue with the cycle.

Now, having had this discussion at length - just a few weeks ago... WHY on earth did I have to fight them to even test my testosterone level today?! I mean seriously... they looked at me like I was crazy... and I'm so glad that I fought them.

There were a myriad of reasons based on the number of follicles that could cause the cycle to be cancelled... but we'd crossed that hurdle this morning... so I was feeling GREAT. A pretty good emotional high point - actually.

That lasted until about 4:15 when the doctor's office called with my blood work results. My estrogen level is extremely low... which means that the follicles aren't on track to grow. My testosterone level is 44... it needs to be under 40 for you to be able to ovulate. This level is after only being off of my birth control pills for 9 days. (NINE!)

My body is seriously jacked up... so they told me that we are "wasting medicine" at this point and that I need to start back on the birth control pill tonight. So much for my 5 little "maybe babies."

The new protocol for now is that I will be back on the pill for 2 weeks. During that time they've ordered me 2 weeks worth of Lupron. (Lupron is a man-made form of a hormone that regulates many processes in the body. Leuprolide overstimulates the body's own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily.)I will start the Lupron several days before I start taking the follicle stimulation drugs... and will continue with the Lupron during the remainder of the cycle. They will also up the dosage on the Gonal-f (stimulation medication) because the Lupron will prevent me from making any of my own follicle stimulating hormones. But it will shut off my testosterone completely.

I think the biggest shocker here is that this is the EXACT protocol that we discussed with the doctor, and were leaning toward going forward with. The thing that talked us out of it at the time was that the doctor quoted that it would be another $500 for that medication. So the doctor didn't want us to spend the extra money on that drug if we didn't need it.

As it turns out, the 2 week supply of Lupron costs $130! OMG... we would have TOTALLY done that this time around if we had known.

So needless to say, tonight... I am broken, angry, upset, sad, and generally crushed. I don't know what I am more angry about - the cancellation, going against my gut feeling on the Lupron, or the lack of answer to all the prayers that have been said for us. My head tells me that I'm being irrational, but for right now - I need to ride the wave of emotions for a day or two.

I know that God's timing is perfect... but for today, I need to mourn that his timing isn't this cycle.

Prayers aren't always "answered" the way we'd like to imagine they might be. Sometimes it's best to let go and hand over the fight. I prayed for patience and have been going through hell for the last 2 years.. but guess what, I roll with the punches like a seasoned champ. I am now patient. (hint: Don't EVER pray for patience) HE knows every challenge, every tear, every second of your life and sometimes we're not to know why he puts us through heartache, frustration and hell - sometimes it's about changing our perception and trusting that he has laid out the perfect plan for our lives (this is an hourly struggle for me ... ). Take a breath and don't lose sight of why you are going through this battle - most importantly don't give up on believing that you WILL be a mommy. One breath at a time and you will get through. Big hugs to you and John ... and lots of prayers.

I have not dealt with the myriad of emotion that fertility issues produce. I have seen friends go through it though and it can be so all-consuming and frustrating. I was having "unexplained infertility" for about a year and was starting to get anxious. In my case I was being just that - anxious - and not waiting on God's perfect timing. You obviously have issues that need to be sorted out first and you are dealing with them beautifully I might add. I am not one to tell someone how to feel or what to do (well I try anyway) but you seem to be able to get a lot of your emotion out in your writing and having that ability is a gift. You and John will have your perfect baby or babies. All you can do is your part and let God do the rest. I know that one day you and John will be sitting up in the middle of the night, exhausted and thinking "Really? we signed up for THIS"? ;-) I will say another prayer for you guys tonight.

That is so frustrating - to feel like you are finally moving forward with things, only to end up taking several large steps back. That is exactly what I have been doing for a year. Advocate for yourself ALL THE TIME. I have had gut feelings and not spoken up because I didn't want to question the doctor - but this is your body, your process, your life....as long as you are deep in prayer and feel a peace with where God is leading you SPEAK UP! 2 weeks - it will go by quickly, just think about how long you've waited to even get to there?!?! I'll be praying.

I am so sorry Kim. I know that this is not what you wanted to hear. My prayer is that you will someday see a reason for this delay - which I know sounds silly but I know how being 1 month earlier with both of my kids could have changed things. Truly God's timing is perfect - even though it may not seem like it right now.

My Other Blogs

Kim

This blog is a look at life through my eyes: a woman trying to lose weight (weight loss surgery and no Trim Healthy Mama), MoyaMoya survivor (2 brain surgeries in summer 2014), infertility survivor, adoptive mother, homeschooler, Christian, and a woman on an amazing spiritual journey. Our incredible journey of faith led us to the adoption of our son in April '10... but also to a miracle pregnancy!

John

My partner in crime... and partner in life. A wonderful husband, provider, support system, and father. Loves Texas A&M football (okay, all sports), The Fightin' Texas Aggie Band, fishing, gardening, cooking, and hanging out with his family.

James

Our son born in April '10, loves getting into everything - climbing - running - and has a great time doing it! James is always on the go and loves to be outside!

Tyler

Our son born in October '10... is also into everything! Tyler loves reading as much as climbing, and would sit most days and read with you all day long. He also loves to snuggle.

Allie

This lazy girl joined our family in 2012. She was an anniversary present for me, when John found her and adopted her. She is extremely patient with the boys, and we get a lot of joy & laughter at her expense.

Dixie

This wild child joined our family in 2013 after losing our Boston Terrier, Missy, at 15 years old. She was a stubborn ball of energy at first, but now she just lays around and snores.