I’ve already determined that I will need to apply copious amounts of concealer so that my Irish skin will not betray my nervousness with its lobster-like hue, but that’s as far as I get to answering the odious and onerous question of:

What the fuck does one wear to be an officiant?!

Constraints:1. I don’t really look that great in a dress. My calves should really be called cows. I don’t have anything approaching cankles, but years of stairs, obsessive heels lifts (while playing bass), and weight fluctuations have not left me with the slenderest of stalks on which to stand. They are vaguely manly, and I hate them.

2. I don’t, at this point, really own a dress that would be appropriate.

3. I’m not entirely sure that a dress would be appropriate at all, but I’m not sure why I have that reservation.

4. Yet, I’m not sure that pants would be formal enough. I am also not interested in looking 40, as I am still only 27.

5. Shorts would be all wrong- see above re: legs and formality.

6. The bridesmaids are wearing lavendar, but I don’t think I should go that way because then it would look like a bridesmaid was marrying them. Like, what? You couldn’t get anyone REAL so a BRIDESMAID had to step in? Which is not far from the truth, but still- it doesn’t need to look like it.

7. But should I really wear black like I normally would? Usually it’s not an issue- nobody really cares if you wear black to a wedding anymore, much to my teenage “Don’t I SHOCK You With My Inappropriate Black Wearing” self’s chagrin. But if I’m officiating, are the rules different? Do I need to do everything I can to not look like I’m presiding over a funeral? ‘Cause I think that would send the wrong message.

8. What color would I wear so as to not 1) look like the bride or 2) clash uncomfortably with the lavendar?

9. These are becoming not so much constraints as OHMYGAWDWHATAMIGOINGTODOHELPFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCK!

Because this is the most pressing, important issue facing the world a this moment. So please use all of your resources and limitless pools of talent and good taste to figure out what the hell I’m going to do.