Every once in a while I run across a married couple as they try not to kill each other in public. It’s hilarious to watch them clench their teeth and yell at each other in whispers. While I watch them go from bliss to bleh, I sometimes remember my three trips through purgatory.Me: “Why can you aim your gun at a deer but you can’t pee in the toilet instead of the floor?”Me: “Stop rubbing your sock feet together like you’re a cricket.”Ex: “I’m not.”Me: “Yes. You. Are. Stop it right now before I cut both your feet off.”Me: “Why do you blow your nose into your hands in the shower? Why do you burp so loudly that the neighbors can hear? Why do you spit? And why didn’t you ever tell me that you were actually raised in a cave, by wild pigs?” Me: “I know what I cooked for supper.”Ex: “What? What are you talking about?”Me: “I said that I know what I cooked. That means you don’t have to chew with your mouth open and show the meal to me.” Ex: “Sherri, if you lost about 10 pounds, you’d be just about perfect.”Me: “Really? Well, if you grew some hair on your head, you would too.” Ex: “Sherri, you never want to have sex. And I’m sick of it.”Me: “Oh yes I do. I just don’t want to have sex with you.”Ex: “Why?”Me: “Well ... because I hate you. Don’t you remember? I told you a few days ago that I hate your guts. Now why in the world would I have sex with someone who gags me?”Ex: “Sherri, I want a divorce.”Me: “Really? Me too.”Silence.Ex: “Sherri, I only said that to get your attention. I don’t really want a divorce.Me: “Well I do everything but wipe your hind end for you. If I were you, I wouldn’t leave me either.” Let’s not forget some of the cute little physical activities that take place behind married doors: • The wife shoving her fingers up her snoring husband’s nostrils.• The wife slamming her spouse’s supper plate on the table because he didn’t call home to say he would be late. • The wife hiding the purchases of her latest shopping spree under the bed.• The husband making the bed look like it has three dead bodies in it so he will never be asked again to make it.• The husband guzzling directly from the milk jug while his wife is in the shower.• The husband blaming the kids for the mud he tracked through the kitchen.• The husband pretending to be in a coma when his wife asks him to check on the kids. • The wife kicking the husband under the table ... for far too many reasons to list here.A former Southsider and an award-winning journalist and humor writer, Sherri Coner resides in southwest Florida. To learn about her books for women and to join her on Facebook, visit www.sherriconer.com. She also speaks to women’s groups.

I was thinking the other day about some of the ways I tried to even the score in my awful marriages … right before I pushed the speed dial for the divorce attorney. I have never felt guilty and remorseful about it, either. I can be a big old brat. And I enjoyed every single ugly thing I did. After all, it was a combat response to the mean stuff the exes did to me. Payback can be entertaining, you know, especially if you happen to hate the guts of the person you’re married to.

Here’s a list of some of the ways I applied my brand of torture:• I dyed every single pair of one ex husband’s underwear a nice soft shade of pastel pink. • I added salt to the sugar bowl so his coffee always tasted like a java-flavored pretzel. • One ex had a favorite pair of shoes. I threw the left one in a trash can at Walmart, and he looked for that shoe for several months ….until I got the money together to fly the coop. • Another ex had a beloved sports car with side mirrors that were difficult to adjust. Every time he was mean to me, I sneaked out to the garage and twisted those side mirrors until they were facing heaven. • Because I love a bargain, I used to buy meat that was marked down. I accidentally gave an ex food poisoning that way. He was as sick as a dog all night. But soon after that incident I discovered that he deserved all the puking. So my guilt was instantly gone. • When one ex husband’s girlfriend had the nerve to call the house, I answered the phone (while he had a little heart attack in the background) and asked her if she knew he had seven children to support, plus a bad employment history since he got out of prison. And no, none of that info was true. • One husband always came home late with a blinding headache. I strongly suspected that it was due to the side effects of Viagra. So when he asked me for aspirin, I gave him vitamins instead. • I invested in a wig and big sunglasses and borrowed cars to tail one of my exes. I still don’t know how I managed to control my overwhelming desire to play demolition derby in the motel parking lot.• When I heard my ex coming into the house, I turned up the TV show “Snapped” and pretended to take notes. In case you’ve never seen the show, it’s about women who lose their minds and kill their cheating, liar-head husbands.

Enough time has now passed. Thank goodness it doesn’t break my heart anymore to think back on the deep pain of betrayal and deceit. Don’t judge me, please. But I kinda loved that fight-fire-with-fire feeling. Being wicked toward someone who definitely deserved it was deliciously fun. It puts a little skip in my step to think back on the bad stuff and see that I not only survived it, I can even laugh about it now.

Sherri Coner

A former Southsider and an award-winning journalist and humor writer, Sherri Coner resides in southwest Florida. To learn about her books for women and to join her on Facebook, visit www.sherriconer.com. She also speaks to women’s groups.