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Thursday, June 22, 2017

Soul Sustenance: 6 Things We Need To Stop Saying To Bereaved Parents

Joan Markwell knows the gut-wrenching, hollow feeling
left behind when a child is taken too early. It’s a feeling that mothers have
experienced recently and throughout the last few years after tragic attacks in
Orlando, Manchester, London, San Bernardino, Calif., and Charleston, S.C., just
to name a few.
With every new tragedy, vigil, story on the news or
anniversary recognizing these events, plenty of mothers like Markwell – who lost
her adult child to cancer – feel the sting of the wound that accompanies their
loss.
While that wound may have healed, there is still a scar
left as a reminder of the pain that still lives on for many grieving family
members, including mothers who are surviving with that pain in many different
ways.
“When a mother loses a child, the grief dictates her
life,” says Markwell, author of the book Softening the Grief. “You
don’t see an end to the pain. As the body reacts to the stress you feel,
physical pain follows. Sleep is out of the question.”
It’s a grief that only they understand, however, and one
that others usually don’t know how to deal with.
“The first time we meet a friend since the death of our
child occurred can be frightening,” says Markwell, “It’s not that we don’t want
to see them; we just can’t face anyone without tearing up.”
To avoid those awkward situations, Markwell offers up
some phrases you should avoid saying to grieving parents and instead offers
alternatives:• “You Are So Strong.” In reality we
are exhausted from trying to look strong. Try this instead: “I know it’s hard to
be strong right now. I’m here for you to lean on anytime. I have an open heart
and time to listen.”• “Be Glad You Have Other Children.” We
may have other children, but they cannot replace the child we’ve lost. Try this
instead: “No child is replaceable, but I hope having your surviving children
around you helps in easing the pain of your loss.”• “You’re not the first mother who has lot a
child.” Yes, but this is the first time I’ve lost my child. Try this
instead: “I know mothers who have lost children and how much they grieved. That
has made me aware of what a fight this is for you. You will continue to be in my
thoughts.”• “My child almost died, I know how you
feel.” If you said this, you only had a clue about how it might feel to
lose a child. Try this instead: “My child had a close brush with death, which
was terrifying enough. There can be no comparison to actually losing a
child.”• “Time heals all wounds.” In time the
mind covers wounds with scar tissue and pain lessens. But it’s never gone. Try
this instead: “I hope in time your pain and grief will soften. Knowing it will
take time, I stand beside you for the long haul.”• “Everything Happens for a Reason.”
There is never a good enough reason as to why our children were taken. Try this
instead: “It goes beyond reason for any child to be taken from a mother. There
was certainly no good reason to lose yours.”
“These awkward but common questions and statements can
trigger a world of grief for bereaved mothers,” says Markwell. “When talking to
a grieving parent about their lost child, it’s best to take a step back and
choose your words carefully.”

About Joan E.
Markwell

Joan Markwell is a small business and real estate owner
who resides in Lawrenceburg, Ky. She is a former board member of the
Lawrenceburg (Ky.) Chamber of Commerce, former board member of the Spencer
County (Ky.) Tourism Board and former vice president of the National Association
of Women in Construction, Bluegrass Chapter (Lexington, Ky.). Markwell lost her
daughter Cindy – who was a mother of two herself – to cancer in 2013. Cindy’s
children, Lucas and Samuel, are a big part of Markwell’s life, as is her son,
Kris Fields.