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Andrew Carlssin

NEW YORK – Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges – and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28. “We don't believe this guy's story – he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar,” says an SEC insider.

As if this tale weren't already implausible enough on its face, the Edinburgh Evening News wryly noted: “Even a non-time traveller could have told him that profiting from 126 consecutive high-risk trades over two weeks was sure to get him noticed,” commented the Guardian.

A handful of others pointed out that any time traveller with half a brain would not bother popping back to 2003, just when the stock market is in free fall and anyone who actually makes any money at all would stick out like a 25-ft. tall green alien with two heads.

In a follow-up article in their 29 April 2003 issue, the Weekly World News reported that mysterious time-traveling Andrew Carlssin had been bailed out by an “unidentified benefactor” who ponied up $1 million, then jumped bail before an April 3 court hearing and disappeared without a trace.