AT LARGE

Friday, February 10, 2006

THE OFFENDER ASKS: IS NELLY GAY ?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST: IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT NELLY IS A HOMOSEXUAL. I’M TALKING ABOUT CORNELL “NELLY” HAYNES, JR., THE RAPPER THAT PUT ST. LOUIS ON THE HIP-HOP MAP. I’M JUST SAYING, MOST OF THE WORLD DEFINES NELLY AS AN ADJECTIVE DESCRIBING EFFEMINATE MANNERISMS, USUALLY IN REFERENCE TO HOMOSEXUALS. THE RAP WORLD HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN TO BE QUITE HOMOPHOBIC. ON PLANET HIP HOP HOMOPHOBIA EXISTS IN MUCH THE SAME WAY AS GRAVITY EXISTS ON PLANET EARTH : IT’S PRESENCE WAS LONG AGO DISCOVERED AND IS OLD NEWS, THEREFORE IT IS COMPLETELY UNECESSARY TO MENTION, LET ALONE DISCUSS.

IT IS REASONABLE TO CONCLUDE THAT LONG AGO SOMEONE WOULD HAVE MENTIONED THE CONNOTATIONS THAT GO ALONG WITH CALLING ONE’S SELF NELLY. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE SCENE IS SO HOMOPHOBIC THAT ONE CAN’T EVEN ADMIT TO KNOWING WHAT NELLY MEANS ? THAT WOULD BE SILLY -- NELLY IS A FAIRLY COMMON TERM, IT’S NOT LIKE EXPLAINING TO SOMEONE WHAT FELCHING IS ALL ABOUT. ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING. PERHAPS MR. HAYNES WAS MAKING A CONSCIOUS STATEMENT TO ALL OF HIS CLOSETED BRETHREN WHEN HE DECIDED HE WANTED EVERYONE TO CALL HIM NELLY. IT WOULD BE EASIER TO TELL THE INTENT IF HE HUNG OUT WITH THE LIKES OF SIR-FIST-A-LOT OR IF HIS CREW HAD NAMES LIKE BUTCH, SWISHY AND FLAMER, BUT THIS IS NOT THE CASE.

LET‘S FACE FACTS HERE: HE IS A BIT OF A PRETTY BOY. YOU WOULDN’T THINKTHERE WOULD BE ROOM IN THE HIP-HOP WORLD FOR THE METROSEXUAL, BUT NELLY IS THE EMBODIMENT OF THE TERM. HE IS ALWAYS PERFECTLY PUT TOGETHER AND IMPECCABLY WELL GROOMED. BY WELL GROOMED I MEAN IT LOOKS LIKE HE GETS HIS NAILS DONE REGULARLY -- NOT GANGSTA BY ANY DEFINITION.

A FEW YEARS BACK HE DID A DUET WITH ONE OF THOSE DESTINY’S CHILD BROADS ( KELLY ROWLAND ) OVER A PATTI LABELLE SAMPLE. I KNOW IT’S NOT EXACTLY SINGING WITH CHER OVER A PETER ALLEN SONG, OR TEAMING UP WITH BARBARA STRIESAND FOR A VILLAGE PEOPLE COVER, BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND THAT HE IS, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD, TRYING TO BE SUBTLE. THINK ABOUT IT: IF HIS SECRET GOT OUT HE WOULD MOST ASSUREDLY ALIENATE HIS CORE DEMOGRAPHIC. DESTINY’S CHILD PLUS PATTI LABELLE AT LEAST ALLOWS HIM TO SEND A HINT THAT HE’S ON THE DOWN LOW.

FORGET ABOUT THE MUSIC CONTEXT, BEING GAY GENERALLY DOESN’T GO OVER TOO WELL IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY. OF COURSE THERE ARE WAYS AROUND IT. I’M JUST TALKING FROM MY EXPERIENCE WHEN I SAY THAT I HAVE KNOWN GUYS THAT DON’T CONSIDER THEMSELVES QUEER BECAUSE THEY ARE PITCHING, NOT CATCHING. SERIOUSLY. ALSO I’VE KNOWN GUYS THAT “ONLY FUCK WITH PUNKS” WHEN THEY ARE LOCKED UP. BY THE WAY, THAT COMMENT FROM A MAN SERVING A SENTENCE OF ONLY TWO YEARS. HEY, WHATEVER LETS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT : “IT’S ONLY WHEN I’M LOCKED UP, I’M NOT TAKING IT, I LIKE GIRLS BETTER, I WAS YOUNG AND DRUNK, NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT NELLY MEANS”.

TO SOME, THE IDEA OF A MAJOR PLAYER IN THE RAP UNIVERSE BEING HOMOSEXUAL IS COMPLETELY INCONGRUOUS. TO THOSE HAVING A HARD TIME IMAGINING IT, REMEMBER A FELLOW BY THE NAME OF ROB HALFORD? YOU KNOW, THE LEAD SINGER OF ’80S METAL GODS JUDAS PRIEST ? MANY ANGSTY TEENAGE BOYS WHO REFERRED TO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THEY DEEMED UNCOOL AS “GAY” AND ANYONE UNCOOL AS A “FAG” HAD THEIR WORLDS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN WHEN ROB FINALLY “OFFICIALLY” CAME OUT.

FURTHERMORE, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY NELLY ALSO DID THE SONG “AIR FORCE ONES”, A SONG ABOUT THE DESIRE TO OWN MULTIPLE PAIRS OF A SPECIFIC TYPE OF SHOE. HMMM …

I’M NOT PROPOSING ANY OF THESE THINGS ALONE ARE EVIDENCE OF HOMOSEXUALITY, BUT TAKING EVERYTHING INTO ACCOUNT, I’M SIMPLY SAYING DON’T BE SURPRISED IF NELLY COMES OUT AS THE FIRST BIG-TIME, MAINSTREAM GAY RAPPER.

MORE LIKELY THOUGH, GIVEN THE ANTI-GAY VIBE THAT PERMEATES URBAN MUSIC IN GENERAL AND RAP IN PARTICULAR, HE COULD BE PHOTOGRAPHED DEEP THROATING HIS DJ AND STILL DENY HE’S GAY. RICKY MARTIN STILL SAYS HE’S STRAIGHT, DOESN’T HE ?