Joss Whedon Endorses Mitt Romney And The Zombie Apocalypse

Carolyn’s Team Pick:

Joss Whedon (Buffy, Firefly, The Avengers, seriously, you know who he is, right?) has released a political “parody” ad detailing the dark Walking-Dead-esque future that awaits if America elects Mitt Romney. If you aren’t stockpiling spam already due to Hurricane Sandy, or aren’t planning to vote early, maybe do that now. Transcript follows the video.

You know, like a lot of liberal Americans, I was excited when Barak Obama took office four years ago. But it’s a very different world now. And Mitt Romney is a very different candidate. One with the vision and determination to cut through business as usual politics and finally put this country back on the path to the zombie apocalypse.

Romney’s ready to make the deep roll-backs — in healthcare, education, social services, reproductive rights — that will guarantee poverty, unemployment, over population, disease, rioting: all crucial elements in creating a nightmare zombie wasteland. But it’s his commitment to ungoverned corporate privilege that will nose-dive this economy into true insolvency and chaos — the kind of chaos you can’t buy back. Money is only so much paper to the undead. The one percent? It’ll no longer be the very rich. It’ll be the very fast. Anyone who can run, fight, make explosives out of household objects or especially do parkour of any kind — you’ll want to stick with them. Unless they read Ayn Rand.

I don’t pretend to see the future. No one knows for sure if they’ll be the super-fast 28 Days Later zombies or the old-school shambling kind. But they’ll be out there. And they’ll need brains. So, whether you’re a small businessman just trying to keep his doors open; a single mom so concerned for her son’s welfare that she’ll run to embrace him when he’s clearly infected and going to bite her; or a strung-out ex-military type who’s been out there too long and is taking the kind of damn fool chances that’ll get us all killed, you need to ask yourself, “Am I ready? Am I ready for the purity and courage of Mitt Romney’s apocalyptic vision?” Mitt’s ready. He’s not afraid to face a ravening, grasping horde of sub-humans, because that’s how he sees poor people already.

Let’s all embrace the future, stop pretending we care about each other, and start hoarding canned goods. Because if Mitt takes office, sooner or later, the zombies will come for all of us.

Paid for by the Committee To Learn Parkour Like Really Soon, Like Maybe Take a Class Or Something.

Carolyn Yates is the NSFW Editor for Autostraddle.com. She is also a freelance copy editor and writer, and her work has appeared in Bitch, The Toast, Xtra!, Jezebel, and other places. Find her on twitter.

True fact: I was the 301st view of this video that currently boasts well over one million. However, I was the 6th person of my fb friends list to post the video. Conclusion: my friend list is full of cutting-edge Joss Whedon fanatics and, as goes without saying, an unbelievably well cultivated list.

Still holding out hope for Captain Marvel and Spiderwoman to join the team in the sequel and hang out with Black Widow and have non-man related conversations. Quoth ScarJo, “There’s no time for romance. We’ve got shit to Avenge.”

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