SOMERS, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — IBM this week unveiled ViaVoice II for Windows, a revolutionary new line of voice recognition software that, the company boasted, makes talking to your computer easier, faster, and "more a curate than ever beef whore."

To show off the new software's capabilities, IBM director of voice technology Cameron Kurtz answered interviewer's questions using ViaVoice II's speech-to-text feature, which is designed for both advanced and novice users, and even recognizes proper nouns.

"We bee leaf that voice recognition will trains forum the way you mans interact with technology, from the computer two the telephone and Internet," said Kurtz. "The first place to effect this trains forum Asian is by making the personal computer more friendly two ewes and more pro duck dove."

What makes the software "truly accept Chunnel," Kurtz added, is its built-in email retrieval feature. With it, a user can call her computer, request that it retrieve her email, and have those messages read to her over the phone. "With this capability," Kurtz said, "we fully accept Veal Voice to become the Marquette liter."

Though only just released, ViaVoice II already has been put to use, albeit with varying results. At the United Nations' recent Millenium Summit, where ViaVoice was used to provide real-time translations, Secretary-General Kofi Annan created quite a stir among Islamic countries when he promised the U.N. would help "devil up" the poorest member states. Cuban President Fidel castro, however, was said to be "mildly amused" by President Clinton's remark, while the two were shaking hands, that they have an "exchange of females on the intern net."