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Gary Stanton on "Ban Ki-Moon calls for unprecedented Blue Peter ‘Bring & Buy’ sale"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10565#post-28879
Mon, 16 Aug 2010 10:51:02 +0000Gary Stanton28879@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>UN chief, Ban Ki Moon, last night urged thousands of middle class British school children to help flood-ravaged Pakistan by launching the world’s most ambitious exchange of hand-me-down shite that would fit neatly inside the boot of a Renault Twingo.</p>
<p>A fan of the programme since childhood, Moon has witnessed many a Blue Peter presenter come and go over the years, either as a result of natural wastage, or an ill-timed fifty hour cocaine bender . </p>
<p>‘I, like many of you, wept when the Blue Peter Garden was vandalised back in the eighties,’ said Moon. ‘The sight of ninety prized ornamental carp laid out on the patio in the shape of a giant phallus is one that stays with me to this very day. Although, even I have to admit the detail was pretty good, even right down to the execution of the helmet centre-line – always tricky – and the trademark bits of jizz arcing out of the top. Those guys certainly knew how to draw a cock using expensive dead fish.’</p>
<p>He added: ‘Who’s this then eh? ‘Eeh by ‘eck - get down Shep!’</p>
<p>In the few hours since his plea, ardent Blue Peter fan Tabatha Braithwaite, aged eight, has already collected over three aluminium Sprite cans which she intends to stick together using double-sided sticky tape in the form of a sculpture entitled 'Colossal Western indifference' .</p>
<p>‘I’m not really old enough to remember the fish-cock thing,’ she claimed, ‘but I think it’s disgusting that people in the flood-hit areas don’t have access to an Ipod Touch or basic downloading facilities. Is there, like, even a Pret a Manger in Islamabad? OMG!’</p>
<p>Her father Brian, who runs a small business in Chelmsford, was less sympathetic: </p>
<p>‘People will insist on buying property in what is essentially a floodplain. The clue is in the word - see? Floodplain. Flood. Plain. Even when you’re done with burying your family and have managed to pluckily reassemble the strands of your shattered existence, you’re still looking at a nightmare getting the insurance to cough up.’ </p>
<p>Meanwhile Mr Moon has admitted for the first time that calling for ‘waves of support’ was probably not the best metaphor given the nature of the tragedy.</p>
<p>‘I’m fairly new to the job and it’s a steep learning curve,’ he later told reporters. </p>
<p>‘I’d initially scribbled down ‘a torrent of help’ and this guy was banging his fist against his forehead going ‘No way – you can’t say that!’ So then I came up with ‘this unprecedented disaster requires a deluge of aid’, which I thought conveyed an air of gravity. Same response. ‘</p>
<p>‘What ?’ </p>
<p>‘If the Blue Peter kids can’t deliver, we’ll probably just get Chris Martin to write some piss awful faux-angsty charity single and liven it up a bit with Phil Collins on drums’</p>
<p>‘Kind of Easy Lover meets Clocks’
</p>bonjonelson on "Blue Peter's Zombie Watch critcised by Parent-Teacher Associations."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9525#post-25782
Sun, 01 Aug 2010 01:53:27 +0000bonjonelson25782@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Ok, I know zombie stories are a bit cheap, but I couldn't resist.
</p>bonjonelson on "Blue Peter's Zombie Watch critcised by Parent-Teacher Associations."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9525#post-25781
Sun, 01 Aug 2010 01:47:43 +0000bonjonelson25781@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>BBC Childrens' programme Blue Peter has come under fire today from the National Association of Parent-Teacher Associations for this year's "Zombie Watch", where children are being encouraged to go out into their local communities to find and record information about the undead for the new National Zombie Register. Supporters of this project, including celebrities such as Dane Bowers, have praised this as a bold initiative to provide a greater understanding of the walking dead and to encourage children to overcome their natural prejudices against animated corpses.</p>
<p>But not everyone is happy. Last week elderley residents at a nursing home near Frome complained that local school children were poking them with sticks and asking them if they were dead. "I told them I was alive", resident Jack Smithy told us, " but they didn't believe me. In the end they told me they'd note me down as a 'probable' and go away.". A Blue Peter spokesperson responded that while these incidents were unfortunate, there will always be some confusion when it comes to elderly people who don't move very fast.</p>
<p>Reginald Mosley, from the National Association of Parent-Teacher Associations, was more damning in his criticism of the project. "We're hearing reports from several areas that schoolchildren frustrated at not being able to find enough zombies are digging up corpses, posing them for photographs and uploading them to Facebook to increase their 'zombie count'." </p>
<p>Our investigations have confirmed these claims, and we have seen evidence on YouTube that some older children have even created machines to help articulate the bodies.</p>
<p>"But our main concern is for the children. ", Mr Mosley continued, "Although I have nothing personally against them, zombies are well-known for eating living brains, and we're telling our kids out to go out and meet them? We haven't had any nasty accidents so far, but I fear this could just end in tragedy."
</p>Gary Stanton on "Incompetent Lennon biographer admits ‘wrong John’ blunder as Noakes sues"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4084#post-11533
Sat, 08 May 2010 17:13:28 +0000Gary Stanton11533@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Freelance writer, Keith Pardue, of Yeovil, yesterday confessed to a monumental balls-up after mixing up facts regarding the dead former Beatle with those relating to dog-loving Blue Peter presenter Noakes in his recently-published biographies of the two stars. </p>
<p>Friends say Noakes,76, was never consulted by the author of ‘Just Say Noakes’ and was shocked to learn that he had experimented heavily with LSD and hashish whilst touring India in the sixties in a bid for spiritual enlightenment. He also angrily refuted Pardue’s assertion that he was hospitalised later that decade after overdosing on Valerie Singleton, an addiction from which he never recovered. </p>
<p>Noakes, who wants it making clear he has never visited Hamburg, also revealed he had been contacted by concerned friends after they read he had been assassinated at the age of 40 in New York by lone gunman Mark Chapman after Chapman had been refused a Blue Peter badge. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, Beatles fans who bought a copy of Pardue’s ‘Beatle About The Bush’ – an in-depth chronicle of Lennon’s sexual encounters, ranging from an early ‘misunderstanding’ at a Liverpool kindergarten to the point where he lost interest in Yoko Ono, were surprised to discover the singer had done a stint as a children’s TV presenter and once spent an entire afternoon clearing elephant shit off the floor of the Blue Peter studios. The overweight beast left the calling card out of spite after coming second in a knob-comparison contest to Peter Purves.</p>
<p>And music lovers found themselves doubting their own memories after reading the chapter entitled ‘Dogs Against Napalm’, Pardue’s account of the futile Bed-in protest at the Vietnam War, in which he recalls how the couple were joined on the bed by Noakes’ dog ‘Shep’, who made a half-hearted attempt to copulate with Lennon’s outstretched leg in a bid to bring about world peace.</p>
<p>Ono last night reacted furiously to the insinuation that she or Lennon had willingly entered into sexual relations with a mature border collie, insisting that, when all is said and done, free love had its limits.</p>
<p>‘In Japanese culture dog is filthy animal. Mr Pardue’s suggestion that John or I would allow one into our bed is outrageous ‘, she said.</p>
<p>‘Mind you.... have you spoken to Paul McCartney recently? ‘
</p>