Do you ever wish your ws would actually have another a so it would give you the opportunity and justification to walk away this time?

I would have to say that there are many times post a that I have caught myself wishing for this. I do know that if I ever did catch him again I would be out of here in a heartbeat.

Posts: 2509 | Registered: Sep 2005

jjsr♀ 34353Member # 34353

Posted: 4:11 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

No. If he wanted to go I would hope he would just tell me like an adult. I don't want to deal with this crap again.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1697 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.

Morhurt♀ 40166Member # 40166

Posted: 4:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

If that's how you feel then leave. His behaviour (A) is plenty for you to feel justified in leaving. Plenty.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1047 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada

Expect Delays♀ 23981Member # 23981

Posted: 5:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

I have. I think it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.

However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail By Now.

Posts: 716 | Registered: May 2009

realitybites♀ 6908Member # 6908

Posted: 6:33 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

Wasn't sure if I wanted to respond but to be honest there are times when I have thought this.

Why is this though? So the first time I gave you a pass so to speak but I just did not really like myself that I did this....so if you did it again I would then feel like "well OK, I tried to give you and the marriage a chance and you proved to me that my gut was right and I should have just ended it the first time."

Posts: 5746 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida

mchercheur♀ 37735Member # 37735

Posted: 6:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

I understand what you are saying.
On the days when it feels like nothing much has changed in our M since before the A (many of the same marital problems still exist, such as division of household responsibility, etc.) & ( on those days I feel like I made a mistake to try to R) and I also don't think I will ever trust him again, I wish for an excuse like that to just get out.
When I feel like this I try to focus on the few little baby steps he has made, the fact that I do still have some love for him ( altho he has shattered the idea of "life partner" for me---& changed it into "father of my children")
& the fact that I would do ANYTHING for our 4 kids.

It's hard to say. If I had to go through the same pain as Dday then no. It was unbearable; and since I'm only 7 weeks since dday I don't know if I would want to deal with the daily torments of thinking about OW or the A again. However, I CAN understand thinking like that.

it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.

At least you would have your answer as to whether he was worth spending the time to R with.

"well OK, I tried to give you and the marriage a chance and you proved to me that my gut was right and I should have just ended it the first time."

but for me the pain is/was so intense idk if I could do it a 2nd time.

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013

summerain♀ 37439Member # 37439

Posted: 6:45 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

I have. I think it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.
However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

Exactly !

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia

gonnabe2016♀ 34823Member # 34823

Posted: 6:46 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

This was true in my situation.

If you want to make an exit, TO, then make an exit. You don't need a new *excuse*. He had an A. You didn't make any sudden moves or rash decisions at the time. However, it seems that the original A turned out to be a deal breaker.

And thats

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8438 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest

gonnabe2016♀ 34823Member # 34823

Posted: 6:47 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

(stupid damn iPad)

.......and that's okay.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8438 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest

TICKED OFF♀ 8291Member # 8291

Posted: 7:18 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

I am not saying that I want to leave. If I did I would have 9 years ago or in between then and now. I think "mcherchuer" said it best.

I have settled in now and have 30 years so no, right now have no plans of ever leaving. HOWEVER, sometimes when things get real shitty (now remember, I still live 2 houses from ow) I wonder IF he would ever think again of having an a and if he did it would definitely be bye bye.

And yes "mchercheur" I would do absolutely anything for my kids to have the family stay together.

"ExpectDelays".......I do know that if it happened again it would (for me anyway) be very simple to leave him. There would be no question in my mind. I guess the uncertainty always stays in our minds once we are betrayed by someone who we thought really cared about us.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 7:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Posts: 2509 | Registered: Sep 2005

Skye325Member # 325

Posted: 7:22 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

I expect my husband will cheat again, and I won't leave. It is to my advantage to stay in my home. The affair I found out about ended the marriage. If it works to my advantage to leave, I will do so without waiting for another affair.

Would love for him to have another affair, so I could say, "told you so."

[This message edited by Skye at 7:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Posts: 5640 | Registered: Jul 2002

sparklezombie♀ 40095Member # 40095

Posted: 7:27 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

Yes I have and sometimes still do feel this way. You aren't alone.

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

I did for most of the first year. I was so miserable in our relationship for the couple years before Dday that I saw dday was my out.

She begged for another chance. Her sister begged me to give her another chance. I thought about the kids. And I flipped a coin. The coin said another chance. So I committed to a year convinced and hoping she would fail and I could leave with a clear conscience.

Somewhere around 10 months in I realized she was actually doing it and our relationship was better than ever.

Now I don't want another or an exit.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2743 | Registered: Aug 2012

hurtbs♀ 10866Member # 10866

Posted: 7:50 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

You don't need an affair to exit a marriage. You can always leave a marriage if you are unhappy with it for any reason. No "justification" needed.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:05 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15452 | Registered: Jun 2006

womaninflux♀ 39667Member # 39667

Posted: 7:59 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

Gutcheck time! If your gut is telling you that D is the answer, maybe it is.

Like my lawyer said, "if you want to get a divorce, get a divorce. You don't need to wait around for an investment to come to fruition, your husband to fuck up again, or any other reason."

Also he said don't waste energy on wondering if something is going to happen or not.

I have not reached the point of where I am ready to file, but I am keeping everything he said in mind. I think that is good advice...and he has seen a LOT of divorces to know what he is talking about.

I was in your shoes about 2 years after D-Day. I nutted up and filed for D, but turned out that he was back in the A anyway. So, it all worked out for the best.

Unfortunately, he came to his senses about 18 months after the D. I was so over him by that point, so yay me!

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7988 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA

HardenMyHeart♂ 15902Member # 15902

Posted: 11:22 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

Do you ever wish your ws would actually have another a so it would give you the opportunity and justification to walk away this time?

No. If I wanted to walk away, I would just do it.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5875 | Registered: Aug 2007

Pentup♀ 20563Member # 20563

Posted: 11:31 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013

I do. Think it is brave of you to post this. I get it completely. When you have this many years in (and I have almost as many as you), at some point you realize this is as good as it will get and I settled. Can not justify throwing my whole life into disarray. However, if he had another affair, it would give me a push.
Not sure if that matches what you were thinking.

Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6871 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz

mchercheur♀ 37735Member # 37735

Posted: 12:59 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013

The affair I found out about ended the marriage. If it works to my advantage to leave, I will do so without waiting for another affair.

Exactly. Affairs end marriages. Supposedly, we started a new marriage when I took him back. He has a few years (about 5, until we have an empty nest) and then I will re evaluate.