Daily Archives: March 13, 2012

Sheikh Syed Darsh, graduate of Al-Azhar, Cairo, Chairman of UKShari’ah Council and expert on family matters, answers somefrequently asked questions about marriage. These questions aretaken from the magazine called “Trends“.

*********Is it a sunnah/recommendation to marry one’s cousin or is the reverse true – marry from afar to produce strong progeny?

It is not a sunnah or a recommendation to marry one’s cousin noris the reverse true;to marry from afar to produce strongprogeny. This whole question is left to the social customs ornorms.

I am told by a Muslim scholar from a traditional-tribal societythat the cousin has the social right upon his female cousin andthat she is not to be offered to him first. No one may proposeto her until he has expressed his wish not to marry her. In away, within the Arab, particularly tribal societies, theyconsider marrying within the family, more honourable, moreprotective; keeping lineage pure and well established.

However, there is a statement which is attributed mistakenly tothe Messenger of Allah, “Marry from outside the family,otherwise your offspring will be weak.” In fact this, orsomething similar, is correctly attributed to Umar ibnAl-Khattab saying to the family of As-Saib, “Your offspring arebecoming so thin and weak. Marry outside your close of kin.” Indiscouraging this marriage, Al-Ghazali in his Ihya Ulum ad-Deensays, “Familiarity and close family tie weaken the sexual desirein both of them. As a result, children become weak.” This is nota good reason. For surely, when partners marry, after a fewmonths they become familiar, there may be nothing new to attractas they know each other inside out, but the natural desire isthere.

However, research nowadays is showing that the marriage of closerelatives leads to the accumulation of negative inheritedqualities. For scientific reasons therefore it may be advisableto marry from afar.

******* Can a girl/boy choose her/his own partner?

Traditionally girls were the passive partners in such matches.The possibility of meeting, becoming acquainted with orfamiliarising oneself with the male partner-to-be was not widelyavailable. It was left to families, who know one another instatic immovable communities, to arrange such a proposal.Al-Islam has given each party the right to see the familysetting. If they like one another, the match may go further andmarriage preparation proceed.

One of the companions of the Prophet(SAW) told him one day thathe proposed to a girl. The Prophet(SAW) said, “Have you seenher?” He said, “No”.He said to him, “See her. For this wouldbless your marriage with success”. The same is true as far asthe girl is concerned. The messenger of Allah has given thegirl the right to express her views on the proposed person. Hesaid, “The permission of the virgin is to be sought. And if shedoes not object, her silence is her permission.” As for thedivorced or one who is widowed, no one has a say with her.

That is, she has to express very clearly her desire in acceptingor rejecting. This is the traditional old fashioned way.Nowadays girls go to school and proceed to universities. Theymeet with boys in classrooms, Islamic societies and atuniversities up and down the country. They get to know oneanother in a decent moral environment. They are mature, welleducated, cultured and outspoken. These factors have to be takeninto consideration. Once a decent, good mannered Islamiclycommitted young Muslim attracts the attention of a like mindedMuslimah, their parents have to be reasonable. Of course, theyare interested in the happiness and success of the marriage oftheir son or daughter, but they have to realise that they arenot buying or selling commodities. Their care, compassion andlove for their children should not make them extra protective oract as a barrier between their children and their children’sfuture. In the words of the hadith “If a person with satisfyingreligious attitude comes to seek your daughter in marriage,accept that. If you do not, there will be great mischief onearth and a great trouble.” At the same time young people whoare blessed with education have to show patience, understandingand should argue their case in a rational and respectablemanner.

************ What should we look for in a partner?

It is very difficult to give general guidelines, as people areindividuals and as such have different priorities when selectinga life long partner. However, the hadith of the Prophet(SAW) hasgiven us some clues as to what is to be desired most in both menand women. Because it is usually the male who proposes, theaddress in the hadith is directed to the male would-be-suitor.He said, “A woman maybe be sought in marriage either for herbeauty, nobility, wealth or religious inclination. Seek the lastand you will be the more successful.” The same holds for thefemale in the choice of a partner.

However, the hadith does not exclude beauty. It is one of thequalities satisfying and protecting the hungry gaze. If that isrequired in the young woman, it is required in the man too.Al-Qurtubi reported the Prophet(SAW) as saying, “Do not giveyour daughters to the ugly or nasty looking. For they desire ofmen what men desire of women.”

The wife of Thabit ibn Qays said to the messenger of Allah, “Myface and his face will never look at one another” He asked her,“Why?” She said, “I looked at him coming in the company of otherof his friends and he was the shortest and the ugliest.” Themessenger asked her, “Will you return to him the dower he hasgiven you?” She replied, “Even if he asks more, I shall give itto him.” The Prophet(SAW) told the husband, “Take what you havegiven her and release her.” He did.

The age difference between potential partners should not be toogreat. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who istwenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason oranother, accepts, or he accepts, then it is their choice. Butthey should be aware of the future of their relationship and theimplications of such a marriage.

A grey haired man passed by a young black haired girl and heproposed to her. She looked at him and said, “I accept, butthere is a snag”. He enquired to which she answered, “I havesome grey hair.” The man passed on without a word. She calledout, “My uncle, look at my hair!” She had hair as black as coal.He said to her, “Why did you say what you did?” She answered,“To let you know that we do not like of men what they do notlike of women.”

Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life longrelationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to therelationship should be avoided as much as possible. Highlyeducated males and females should seek partners of similareducational background. Cultural and family background is veryimportant. Common language is an essential way of communicating.Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate andrelate to one another and are factors of stability and success.

Financial independence and the ability to provide a decentacceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way ofinsuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happylife.

All ways and means should be considered giving a solid bases fornew human experience which is expected to provide a frameworkfor a happy, successful and amicable life. All this is to beconsidered within the context of Muslims living in Britaintoday.

A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. AMuslim man has to think very seriously indeed before marrying awoman from the people of the book and conversion just for thesake of marriage may not be a genuine reason. In a non-Muslimcountry a Muslim man has no right to bring up his children asMuslims, and this obligation particularly if love graduallydries up and the relationship begins to show signs of strain.

The question of common language, background, education and ageetc. are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximise thechances of success and stability in a very important Islamicinstitution – that of marriage. However, considering theparticular position of Muslim communities living in minoritysituations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to allsorts of challenges be they cultural, linguistic, racial orsocial. The most fundamental question when choosing a partner isa religious one. As far as language, background, or socialposition are concerned, these are not significant factors thatabsolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place,indeed such considerations may not be relevant to young Muslimsliving in Britain as they have common language – English, andthe social positions of their families in their countries oforigins may well be equalised living in Britain. If theprospective partner is of a good character, strong religiousinclination and the two young people are happy and feelcompatible with one another other considerations are not of suchimportance.

******* Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for his daughter on the basis that the suitor is not of the same race/caste?

There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is afact of life. The Qur’an considers the difference of race,colour or language as signs of the creative ability of Allah:“And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and earth andthe difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here indeed aresigns for men of knowledge.”(Ar-Rum:22).

In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of humanequality and brotherhood: “Oh mankind! We have created you froma male and a female, and then rendered you into nations andtribes so that you might know one another. Indeed the mosthonourable among you in the sight of Allah is he who is mostpious.”

There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in hiscommentary on this Qur’anic verse where the messenger of Allahcondemned outright any racial impact on the Islamic society. Forthe very reason we come across many examples of people who, froma racial view, were not considered equal to Arab women marryingamong the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister ofAbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladiesof the tribe of Quraysh and so on.

But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, theystart to reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to thedaughter of Umar, the khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable,pious son and great companion of the Prophet(SAW) was upset. Hecomplained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said, “Leave it to me and Iwill get him to retract from that.” When Amr met Salman he saidto him, “Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that theCommander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to giveyou his daughter in marriage.” Salman felt slighted by this andthought and retorted, “By Allah, I will never accept to marryhis daughter!”

Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter ofMuhammad ibn Ja’far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious.He said to Muhammad, “You gave one of the noble of Qurayshitewomen to a slave from Thaqif!” and he ordered Al-Hajjaj todivorce her.

So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright.It does not make a difference whether the parents are welleducated or unlettered. In the new environment of living inBritain the situation may ease gradually. However, youngeducated people who find themselves locked in such situationshave to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I wouldadvise them to read my article, “Guardianship in Marriage’ (Seepage 11 for details).

******* Should children deliberately go about altering the views of their parents/relatives by marrying in a manner they know is allowed but frowned upon by the others?

This should be the last resort if they really are veryemotionally attached to one another. Marriage is a solemn,important bond. It cannot be played about with as a means ofchanging die-hard customs. The marrying couple will be thefirst victims of such a deficient gesture. I am saying, if theyreally love one another, so that this love may sustain themuntil they are able to change the attitude of their parents,then well and good. Though, it will not change the attitude ofthe whole community.

However, it would be suicidal to jump into this type ofrelationship just to change people. It may prove that the coupledo not have the common cause to sustain this gesture ofrejection. They themselves may reject the attempt. Theconsequences of such actions can be far reaching.

******* What are the rituals of marriage of that are the sacred/important ones?

There are no such rituals in an Islamic marriage. It is a simpleform of expressing the commitment to live as husband and wife.The procedure is as follows: There is a young man wishing to getmarried and a young woman who is ready for marriage. Theirfamilies know one another and so the man’s family approaches thewoman’s family – (The opposite is also appropriate). If there isacceptance, the two persons have the chance of seeing, talking,exploring – in a chaperoned, not in a private manner – with oneanother. If they choose to settle down, some gifts may beexchanged and a date set for the announcement of the match andworking out of the marriage preparations. The families mayarrange the civil ceremony first, then go to the mosque or housewhere the formal Islamic agreement may take place.

The woman’s guardian, usually the father, will say to thewould-be-husband, “I give you my daughter, (the girl in myguardianship), in marriage in accordance to the IslamicShari’ah, in the presence of the witnesses here with the dowryagreed upon. And Allah is our best witness.”

The young man, or his father, will reply by saying, “I acceptmarrying your daughter, guard, giving her name, to myself” –repeating the other words. Thus, the marriage is concluded.

It is good Islamic practice to announce the ceremony, to hold itin a mosque and to have some form of entertainment. In the wordsof the Prophet(SAW), “Declare this marriage, have it in themosque and beat the drums.” This is used to be the best the wayof establishing that great, sacred relationship.

******* What is dowry and who gives it to whom?

The question of dowry is one of the rights of the Muslim womanas part of the correct contract of marriage. The Qur’an statesin chapter 4, verse 4: “And give the women their dowries as afree gift, but if they are pleased to offer you any of it acceptit with happiness and with wholesome pleasure.”

The dowry is defined in the legal text books as: “the wealth thewife deserves upon her husband as a result of the contract ofmarriage on the consummation.”

So the dower is to be given by the husband to his correctlywedded wife. It is enjoined by the Qur’an, the practicalexamples of the Messenger of Allah and the consensus of thecompanions of the Prophet(SAW).

There is no specific minimum or maximum. The customs of thecommunity play a great part in deciding the agreed amount to begiven as dower. In the past, families would ask of a dowerwhich reflects the social status of them. After the spread ofeducation and the maturity of age of both husband and wife,families began to relax this custom, taking into considerationthat young people who start work after graduation do not havemuch money to offer for the girls they have going to marry.Families have come to the realisation that dower is a symbolicgesture. It is good to start building their family life withoutincurring a debt which may ruin their happiness and futureprospects. If both husband and wife are working, the familiesmay prefer that the young couple build their life from scratchtogether, rather than burdening them with hefty dower which theycannot afford.

It is not Islamic to ask the woman to give dower to the husband.This is not a noble thing to ask a woman. The Islamicrequirement is not because the man is going to buy the woman, itis to express his love, care and the dignity of the woman.Whatever expresses these sentiments, great or small, isconsidered to be an acceptable dowry, simply because itexpresses these feelings.

******* Is it necessary to have a civil marriage?

It is important to have a marriage registered with the civilauthority so that it may be recognised. There are many legalimplications as a result of such a registration. Firstly, it isthe recognised marriage in this country. The civil marriage ifit is attended by at least two male Muslim witnesses amounts toa correct Islamic marriage. It is only the social aspect whichleads to another ceremony in a mosque with an imam officiating,although these things are not required Islamicly.

Secondly, without the civil marriage, the entitlement toinheritance, pension and legal documentation are not accepted bythe authority. For the sake of legality it must be registered.

In Muslim countries nowadays they have made it an administrativeobligation to register the marriage. This is to officiate andrecognise all aspects that come from the marital relationship.So, if for nothing else, it is a must for the sake of thechildren.

********** Weddings these days seem such costly ventures. Is one required to spend huge sums on a wedding?

Weddings are a social expression of the occasion of marriages.Moderation is the Islamic concept in all aspects of a Muslim’slife. Weddings should not be ostentatious nor are they supposedto be expressions of pride and competition. It is not fair forthe parents or the young couple to start their life debt riddenas a result of an occasion which lasted a couple of hours or alittle longer. Expenses in all steps leading to marriage shouldnot be a burden. Big cars, fancy wedding costumes, big parties,expensive hotels or halls, all such expenses should be avoided.But at the same time, it should not be a dull and gloomyoccasion. It is an occasion of great joy and happiness andshould be celebrated as such.

The most important is the walima – the dinner party. It is thesunnah so that relatives, friends and acquaintances may come toshare the joy of the occasion, to give thanks to Allah and toentertain needy people within the community.

This was a pre-Islamic custom which Islam accepted. It was theresponsibility of the husband or his family. The Prophet(SAW)saw some coloured perfume on AbdurRahman. He asked him about itand AbdurRahman replied, “I got married”. The Prophet(SAW) toldhim, “Make a walima with at least one lamb.” The Prophet(SAW)himself made a number of walimas each time he got married. Thewalimas differed according to the financial position of thetime. The best walima recorded was that of Zaynab. Nearly threehundred people were entertained and fed meat and bread. On otheroccasions the Prophet(SAW) asked his companions to bringwhatever food was available.

The important part is the coming together, sharing the happinessand advertising the new relationship in a moderate andinexpensive manner.

********** Are secret marriages allowed? Like at universities where girls or boys marry without parental consent, knowledge or approval?

The word used in the question, `secret’, is anathema to theconcept of marriage which is a relationship built to securepeace, happiness and tranquillity. There are many rights andobligations resulting from agreement of marriage. These includethe honour and integrity of the woman concerned, her family andrelations and most importantly, offspring. In so many instances,even with use of precautions, women get pregnant. How can theyface this situation? Where lies the blame? And what if theyoung couple tire of one another after taking what they wantfrom one another? Who loses in such situations? That is whyMuslim scholars frown upon secretive arrangements even thoughother basic formalities were satisfied. They argue that theShari’ah has made it mandatory to publicise marriage in everyavailable way. They quote a number of statements of theProphet(SAW) to that effect. For example the statement, “Thereis no valid marriage without a guardian and two witnesses. Anyarrangement short of that is invalid, invalid, invalid.” Anotherstatement quoted by the Hanafi texts, “Any marriage not attendedby four people is not a marriage, it is a fornication. Theyare: the suitors, the guardian and two witnesses.”

Scholars differentiate between two types of what is known ascommon marriage. Common, here, stands in contrast to welldocumented marriage. The first is when marriage takes placewithout being officially recorded. But it takes place within thefamily, is known among the friends and neighbours but for otherreasons it is not registered. Maybe the couple are drawingunmarried benefits or whatever. This is an acceptable religiousmarriage even though there are unethical motives behind it.

The other type is exactly the one referred to in the question.When the two parties agree to keep it secret. They ask twofriends to witness the marriage with the understanding that theydo not talk about it. And they did not, I repeat, they did notregister it. This does not amount to a secure, tranquilmarriage. It is simply satisfying their physical need. Thecomment of a scholar, who was a judge before taking the chair ofthe Islamic Shari’ah in the Faculty of Law, Cairo University, isthat “We do not condone, nor accept such an arrangement. It isfar from the real concept of marriage. Families and girls’honour should not be treated so flippantly. In my life as ajudge I came across so many miserable, depressing casesresulting in acrimonious disputes. Allah’s Shari’ah has to berespectfully followed. Any so called legal fictions in thisparticular matter must be shunned.”

[Makashfa Request 2 Readers: Kindly promote marriages with ease instead of making it problematic and promoting adultery which washes all goodness from the society and make birth to illegitimate children which not only became a kind of curse and sin without having something to do with that sin but also to the society bcz these children may not perform good deeds and actions in a healthy society bcz of such things. Woman is always protected in ISLAM as a respect, and marriage is a good way instead of committing sin of adultery and making society more divided thanks]