The new Apple iPhone is not actually able to make calls, Steve Jobs reported to an assembled crowd of reporters yesterday. "Originally, it was indeed our intention to make the iPhone a cell phone able to call other telephones. Unfortunately, we kept sandwiching in features, and eventually we had to eliminate the phone function," said Jobs. However, assured Jobs, the iPhone still has lots of "exciting new features in the phone function's stead."

Jobs shows off the new error message you get when you try to make a call

"After hearing the press raving about how versatile our advance copies were, we decided to take the whole thing in a new direction," said Apple Chief Engineer Robert Yernoss. "When you have versatility, when you have features that people don't expect and give them more bang for their buck, you can forget about the typical stuff such as making calls." Apple plans to implement a full swiss army knife feature to the iPhone, including a vegetable peeler, a fish scaler, and a sharp knife jutting out where the earpiece of the phone originally was. Also planned: An automatic screen wiper and satellite television.

"These features totally make up for the lack of a phone," says technology critic Ian Struffman. "When you can mug someone with your cell phone, it can even pay for itself." Several school districts have already banned the iPhones in anticipation of knife incidents. "We have a zero-tolerance policy here," says Prince George's County, MD superintendent Jerry Rice. "Lord knows our students already bring enough weapons in already." “We can’t help it if some schools want to be closed-minded and unready for the techno revolution,” says Jobs. “But in all great events, there have been naysayers.”