Green's Hill-Amy Lane's Home - News

Saturday, July 28, 2007

So the Cave Troll got a hold of the old Warner Brother's cartoons we have on dvd, and one day (about the time it dawns on me that it's a gorgeous morning and he needs to be outside turning browner) he comes running out of my bedroom going, "I'm not the Cave Troll, I'm Sylvester..." As in Sylvester and Tweety, right?

After a couple of days of this, Chicken and I look at each other and say, "Why does he want to be Sylvester? That damned cat NEVER wins!!!"

Ladybug's repetoire of phrases has widened--now it includes "whatydoing?" and "dondodat!" and "dadyshom". She also has this way of looking at you when you say 'no'--you have to watch for it, because it is this look, and this look alone, that precipitates her running like hell in the opposite direction. Little shit...

And I have an absolutely hilarious story that I can't remember, rolling around my brain-pan like a marble in a dance studio...everytime the scene flashes across a mirror, the kid at the barre goes, "pretty marble" and the scene disappears. I'll probably remember tomorrow, as we're drifting across the wilds of California on the way to Monterey...

And speaking of which? I have no idea which project to pack...it's driving me BATSHIT!!! I've got a bunch of socks that I'm working on, but I usually like something in a weightier yarn because hotel lights suck shite, and I don't want to go blind to unwind...

And I remembered that damned funny story!!!

But first, a classification of redneck grunion you may not have heard before:

Okay, and here's the absolutely hilarious thing:The little ones were outside, playing in the pool. They were naked. And then I saw Ladybug, playing with a suspiciously colored, suspiciously shaped object, and just as it was dawning on me what that object COULD be, that was the moment my sweet little girl chose to put the thing in her mouth. Ladybug's dismay when I snatched said object out of her hand with a shriek of horror could not have been any more pronounced than the neighbor's curiosity as I danced up and down in the middle of the kiddie pool, shouting, "It's a rock, it's a rock it's a rock, oh thank the gods and sweet Goddess, it's just a roooooooooooooock!!!"

*sigh* Yeah, those kids and that kiddie pool--thems good times.

Anyway, I promised and I shall deliver, and here it is for your enjoyment, the pattern for Sylvester's alligator sweater--pictured again here:

(Yes, that is a front and back photo, plus bonus footage of Baby and The Rat.) Anyway, I got the motif from this book--1000 Knitting Motifs, I'm sure you've all seen it. The deal is that you can really do this with any picture you like--the thing that makes the sweater is the colors. I had visions of doing something like this using that same reference book, red and white, and putting ladybugs on it for, well, Ladybug. Then I thought of the odds that my sweet little baby would be able to wear white for longer than, say, the time it takes for her to get a booger on her sucking thumb and popping that baby right in her mouth, and thought that maybe her next sweater would be a muted green with yellow and rose high lights. That being said, I used Ann Budd's Handy Book of Sweaters to get some of my initial numbers, and then, of course, tweaked the hell out of everything, because, as you all know, that's where the fun is. And now, here's me, writing a pattern. If nothing else, it should be worth the entertainment value to read:

Size--Child's, size 3-4 year old (You may want to make it longer to make it fit bigger kids--it's pretty wide.)

Yarn: Cascade Superwash Wool, three balls purple, one ball each light brown, lime green, and mint green. 1 ball Schaeffer's Lola, (it's superwash, but it's a little lighter than the Cascade--I just soldiered on and hoped for the best.) I'm pretty sure the color was 'Gertrude Stein'--it had multiple browns, a dark forest green, and a lovely purple in the colorway.

Needles: Size Seven

Gauge: 4 1/2 stitches per inch

Back:*With purple, CO 68 stitches*Work 6 rows in garter stitch*Change to stockinette stitch*Work 3 inches in stockinette stitch,*change to light brown, work 2 rows in light brown*change to variegated, work two rows in variegated* start alligator chart from book and work alligator in the darker green against the variegated. Center aligator so that the tail runs against the back of the chart and the nose has four spaces in front of it. A note on this--I tried working the alligator two ways--the back was straight intarsia with the details embroidered on in duplicate stitch--there were so many ends to weave that the alligator feels three dimensional. For the front I said screw it and just worked a bunch of floats, and then again embroidered the details. The front turned out MUCH better, and the floats don't catch nearly as much as I thought they would, so I would recommend that. (Or do the whole thing in duplicate stitch...either way, it's a finicky pissy job, but the results are worth it.) * When you are finished with the alligator, work two rows in variegated alone, * switch to light brown, work two rows in light brownswitch to purple and work in stockinette until the back measures 9 inches. (Note--I wish I'd made it longer, but the sweater he's wearing is 9 inches.)* At the beginning of the next 4 rows, BO 4 stitches* Decrease 1 stitch each end of needle in next rowThere will remain 50 stitchesContinue even until armholes measure 6 1/2 inches* At beg of next 4 rows BO 6 stitchesBO remaining stitches for back

Front: Work as for back until after armholes have been shaped. *After armholes, work even for two inches, then BO center three stitches, joining another yarn to the second side of shoulder. Work both sides of the placket until armholes measure same as at back to shoulder. *Shape shoulders:* At each armhole edge, BO 6 stitches WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, BO 3 stitches at each placket edge. *At each armhole edge, BO 6 more stitchesOn your next pass, bind off.

Sleeves: With purple, CO 32 stitchesWork Garter stitch for six rowsChange to stockinette and begin increasing 1 stitch on each side of sleeve every six rows. Do this 9 times, and there will be 50 stitches on sleeve. WHILE AT THE SAME TIMEWork 4 rows in stockinettw with purpleChange to lt brown, work 2 rowsChange to variegated, work 4 rowsChange to darker green, work 2 rows garter stitchChange to variegated, work 4 rowsChange to light brown, work 2 rowsChange to purple, work sleeve until it measures 11 3/4 inchesShape Cap:At beginning of next 2 rows, BO 4 stitchesAt beginning of following two rows BO 4 stitchesDecrease 1 stitch each end of needle every RS row onceDecrease 1 stitch each end of needle every 4 rows onceThen decrease 1 stitch each end of needle every 2 rows 4 times.Then BO 3 stitches at the beginning of next 4 rows.There should be 10 stitches left, bind those puppies off.

Stitch shoulder seams, fit sleeves, sew up the sleeves, sew up the sides, move on to the hood.

Starting at one end of the placket and working your way around to the other side of the placket, pick up stitches around--I didn't count, I just did it comfortably--this is the easy pick-up--one stitch for each stitch that's been bound off, + 1 on the shoulder seam and one for each row, and you're there.

Work in stockinette stitch for 10-12 inches. (I like me a long hood--some people like them snug.)

Bind off hood stitches, fold hood in half, and sew the top closed.

Using variegated, and starting at the BOTTOM VEE of the placket, pick up stitches up the placket, up the sides of the hood, and around to the other side of the vee on the placket.

Knit 8 rows of garter stitch and bind off.

Sew the bottom of hood edging to the bottom of the placket and take a bow.

Then take a breath, because this is when I added the duplicate stitch to the damned alligators, but you're probably much smarter than I am, so you can block the sweater and take that bow again.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Yes--it's done!!! I'll give a pattern tomorrow or Saturday, but it's done, and it's gorgeous, and he loves it. (Of course, he'll love it better when it's blocked. Or is that me?)

Thing the second: Vulnerable's big book review! Yes, I know it's been reviewed before, but this is it's first official 'critic' and I'm very proud.

Thing the third: (Wait...did I make a math error? Me? Nooooooooo) This book here. I've been getting in some reading this summer--I've enjoyed the Kitty books by Carrie Vaughn, and the Changeling books by Elaine Cunningham, and of course the new Kim Harrison, Barb/JC Hendee, and Mary Janice Davidson were awesome...and don't get me started on how wild I am about Harry!!! But this book took me by surprise. Anyone who was a fan of Adrian and Green's relationship in VULNERABLE would love this book--I wrote a review (probably my first review since Roxie's book--I've been holding back for books I really love...that don't already have six-billion reviews) And so now I have another author to watch--always a joy.

I'm about 1/2 an hour away from being done w/Kewyn's sweater--hooray, an FO!!!

I've sworn off the Amazon.com forums forever...I just get to worked up...I've got too many other things to get all wired up about.

We've finally made hotel reservations--don't expect to hear from me for part of next week--I'll be by the sea...(I love Monterey...and I'm looking for a yarn store and a nice beach to play at...)

The Cave Troll is cracking me up--he keeps asking to see 'The Wild' (a Disney Movie) and since we're stopping by 6 Flags Discovery on the way home from Monterey, I'm thinking he'll be in little boy heaven. Now I'm terrified I'll lose the little goombah--do you know pedophiles call 3-6 year old towheaded boys 'drop pieces'? As in 'use 'em and lose 'em'? I read that in a novel about four weeks ago--right after I lost Cave Troll in Wal-Mart--and haven't been sleeping well since.

I was at Chicken's dance lessons today, chatting up the mom's (who, after 10 years, have no idea what to make of me, even still...) when I noticed the woman nursing her baby next to me. She seemed to be surrounded by children, and she seemed to be *gasp* older than me...I took a stab in the dark..."So, you have, uh, five kids?"

"No," she smiled--she's very sweet, "I have ten."

Good Goddess--Mate and I look positively sane and brilliant compared to that, don't we? And she's homeschooling. I briefly thought of doing that, but I've got that genetic thing about being very cool teaching everybody but my own family, and I decided I wanted my children to live. (About that genetic thing--don't knock it...T was 12 before I truly realized why my dad had to drink a six pack of beer before he took me driving to practice for my driver's test. And now, at 14, he keeps asking me when he can get his license, and I keep saying, "21".)

And I want to adopt a 3 cornered cat. Maybe it's Roxie's fault--she keeps singing Jack's praises...maybe it was the way she was letting the kittens in the pen nurse off of her--she has 'mama' written all over her. Maybe it was that she looks just like Isabeau--remember, the cat I skinned alive? (If you don't remember, it's in the archives...but really, it's not that good a story...) Maybe it's that I like the idea of naming a three-cornered cat 'Triane' after the Goddess of Joy from BITTERMOON, who is the 'third' Goddess. (We could also call her Ender Third, from Ender's game...don't laugh--we almost named the Cave Troll that.)

And it's hella late, the baby finally went to sleep, and I took a break from BITTERMOON tonight because I had no classroom and I was over and done with playing on the computer...

But blogging's different. (Dija hear about the midnight rambler...now I have to go visit that sight on Rabbitch's blog about the screwed up song lyrics...)

See ya later w/aligator sweater pix--and the pattern, if anybody wants it...

Monday, July 23, 2007

This first one's so you remember that I have an older son, he's ginormous, and to give you an idea of who it is I've been playing tug-of-war with when I tell you that we've been trying to share Harry Potter for three days. I won the war today when I finished it, and was a little insulted when he said, "I win the pool! I said she'd be done today!" Well, yeah--because I gave it to him all yesterday so I didn't go into a book coma and could function well enough to do my schoolwork.

And this one's to remind me that the perfectly nice professor in charge of the purple yakshit class that I'm taking cannot be blamed for not understanding that the class is yakshit and the only one taking it seriously is herself. I know that she's taking it seriously because when I opened my assignment link last night and was walloped in the head with the humongulous project that it entailed, my family had to peel me off the ceiling. It's one of those "write 2 paragraphs about this and 3 about that and so on..." and when I counted how many paragraphs the damn thing is supposed to have, I stopped at paragraph 22. I'm doing the bare minimum, taking the C, and getting on with my life. I mean, DAMN!!!This one's keeping me cool because nobody's bought a book in forever, and that always stresses me out (even though I've rebounded from slumps before) and it feels like karma for arguing with the 'my hometown' lady and her two star review. But what's REALLY weird in bookland is not that nobody's BUYING, but that nobody's buying and everybody is REVIEWING. I've racked up like, four reviews in the last week, (five if you count the one in Barnes and Nobles and I do) and I'm so much more than grateful to the nice people who jumped on line and picked up my book and then signed on to say nice things to me. Apparently, judging by the way I lost it when I get the bad reviews, good reviews are like chocolate to the dementors kiss... I'll try to keep that sort of freaking out to a minimum now people--I'm not all that impressed by my total emotional breakdown at that last two star review...having viewed the amazon.com forums at length this summer, I should know that in addition to some bright, articulate people with fun views to discuss, there are also some prickly critical bitchslappers out there, and I've got my ovaries in a position where I'm not allowed to duck. But since I'm on this subject, I've got a couple of links for you.

Meet CeciM , a fellow haunter of the amazon.com forums and a budding book reviewer--she is funny, articulate, adores fantasy sci-fi, and jumped to my defense with the heart of a dragon. Give her a hullo if you have a chance (and pump up >Roxie's book to her!!! She'd be an awesome choice to review!)

Also, meet Karen Michele Nutt Karen's gorgeous book has been in my queue all summer, and now that I'm done with Harry Potter, (SQUEEEEEEEE and AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH...if you have any questions about those two reactions, e-mail me....I'm the worst at giving spoilers so I'm making people ask for them) I've got two to four more quick books before I get to hers. I've been looking forward to it, like saving ice cream for after dinner.

And, finally, meet Floyd. Floyd Orr is a brave soul who speaks out for self-published book authors. You know how I am heartily embarrassed because the first review for my first two books are MINE and not the work of complete strangers? I did that because people don't like to break the ice--for a relative unknown, nobody wants to give the first book review, and it's hard to convince people you're legit unless someone reviews your book. Floyd Orr is the answer to this--in his blog, he reviews self-published books (iUniverse only? I'm afraid I'm not clear on that...) and interviews self-published authors. He only reviews books he can review positively (which is nice--no flaming reviews)and he sends reviews to amazon.com and Barnes & Nobles--the places where potential customers might see them. I was biting my nails to see if Floyd would review Vulnerable because he's a self-professed stickler for grammar and editing, and we all know these are my weakest points, especially (ESPECIALLY) in my first book, but he agreed and I was thrilled, and so I should be up on his blog by the end of this week/beginning of next week.

And Maizy--has anyone heard of Maizy? It's 82% corn, 18% elastic, and it's SOCK-YARN... the thing is, people, the colors are just UNREAL...something about the corn just sops up and supersaturates with the colors here, and it's delicious... of course, I'm still projects and projects behind, and I still have that Tofutsies stuff which is 2% chitin from last year, but still...something about the yumminess of the color and that comforting, dry, cornstarchy feeling between my fingers may just launch me into another damned sock... I mean, we're leaving on vacation soon (Mother of Chaos you don't need to cackle like that...) and I need a round and round project for all of that chirpy conversation I provide so that Mate feels sufficiently entertained as we drive.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I wrote this a long time ago, b.b. (before blogging) and sent it to the Yarn Harlot--I thought it was hilarious, but Steph didn't get a chance to answer... (or she thought I was insane--either or...) Anyway, I was posting it to the website, and thought I'd share it here first, because, you know, you guys knit and all...

The Unmeant Gift

By Amy Lane

I hope you’ll please forgive me As I was working on your scarfThe baby's stickiness is on it(I swear it wasn’t barf.)And careful as you unwrap it—There’s Kleenex on the fold(I swear I wouldn’t knit while IWas suffering from a cold…)And that little drop of wetnessIn a teeny-tiny pool—I didn’t know a single catCould dribble that much drool..As I was finishing up the fringie partThe dog emitted toxic gas…(Using her secret delivery system—Her handy pointed ass…)And although when it happenedIt made our eyes all tear and stingI don’t think the smell seeped inTo that pretty fringie thing…And the rustic socks I knittedMay begin to scent-emoteThe sweet exotic scent ofEau de Kazakstani goat…But don’t worry if your cat sucks upTo the knitting for the smell‘Cause I usually vacuumAnd I always use PurellAnd I swear I’ve never needled upWhen sitting on the pot(Although I’m sorely tempted whenMy plumbing isn’t working as it ought.)And although the baby's burpingAs he’s sitting on my lapA little spray FebrezingShould get rid of all of thatSo I hope you will forgive meAs the fumes begin to mountAnd God will bless the gift-eeWho remembers "The thought's what counts!"

Friday, July 20, 2007

Okay...I'm going to crap up my perfectly boring blog with pictures made of shite... forgive me...

Does anybody else do the SSK decrease the way I do?

I'm just curious.

First, I put the yarn over the left hand needle, in front of the next stitch, like this shitty picture will indicate:

Next, I lift the first stitch OVER the yarn and off the end of the needle, as this next shitty picture will hopefully show:

And then I do the same thing for the second stitch--witness next crap-assy picture:

And then I slide the stitch that is now on the left to the needle on the right...forget about the picture here, I'm sure you get the idea...

Anyway, it has the exact same effect as the whole "slip each stitch to the right needle then using the left needle knit both together through the back loop and put the stitch back on the right needle" thing as the ssk directions ask you to do--but it's, like, hella easy compared to that...

So I was wondering if anyone else did it but me.

(And as for Princess Pea Green and the After Hours tea party...those are just to get you to forgive me for trying to knit on camera...)

I don't care if it's grocery shopping one day or dog food the next or soccer/dance/karate/gymnastics oh God! or visiting people on the off hours...

And let's take a look at that visiting thing, shall we? I have been very blessed to have had three sets of grandparents--my mother's parents, my father's, and my stepmother's, and I've loved them all. But when my older children first came into the world, they were related, through one way or another, to eight women who could, ostensibly, be called 'grandma'. (My oldest daughter gave a classic example of how confusing this is to a child--when we first moved in here, Chicken was was 3 1/2 and the elderly neighbor came visiting from next door. The nice woman bent down a little and said, "Now I bet you don't know who I am, do you?" To which Chicken replied, with a voice that was weighing the odds and finding them in favor of her answer, "Grandma?")

The time-bitch has reduced this number to seven--they now have three great-grandmothers and four grandmothers, and one of the other unfortunate things that bitch is responsible for is the fact that as the great-grandmothers have gotten older and more housebound, the onus of visiting falls on us, the grandchildren. (Of course with my own, biological mother, I've been dealing with this in one way or another since I was eight years old--I do know the drill by now, I just have to throw between three and five other people into the tool case these days.) And it's not a terrible thing--I love these people, I love visiting them, and making them happy by visiting makes me feel really good.

But if I were to visit every grandma once a week, that would leave me with a three day weekend in which to do all of my housecleaning, shopping, and, during the school year, my full time job. If I were to visit them once a month, that's every weekend occupied with throwing the kids into the battered crapmobile and trekking everywhere from Ophir (one hour) to Fair Oaks (twenty minutes) to Stockton Blv. (45 minutes to the crappy part of town) to ten blocks away to see either my mother or Mate's mother and the grandparents.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I try to catch up during the summer--which is one of the things (besides the 12 units online, this year) that is making my 8 weeks off unendurably short.

So this week I'm done with my online course for a couple of days, and we've already done dance & karate...I've got gymnastics w/the Cave Troll tomorrow, we've done grocery shopping and the two filler runs to the store for milk, and I've done the cycle of grandparents and the house is sort of clean and the smaller children are annoying their older sister and the teenaged boy is locked in his room playing with his action figures... (Does anybody remember that part w/the old couple arguing on the train in Young Frankenstein--there's a reason I'm very careful to mention that he's playing with his action figures.) And today, I get to knit. Me, the master of the remote control, and my knitting. I'm going to watch Monk (last week's episode) and Burn Notice again, and some Law and Order CI and maybe a disaster movie or two (Twister and Armageddon are two of my favorites, followed by The Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day.) I'm going to put the heating pack on my tweaked neck, and I'm going to by-god knit. And tonight, when the kids have gone to bed, I'm going to add another 5-10 pages to BITTERMOON (583 pages--not as far as I wanted to be, but I'll be at 650 by the time school rolls around...)

But first, I'm going to activate the guilt-waiting function on my psyche that says the clean pile of laundry is up level with the bed and that I haven't visited my mom in four weeks, and I'm going to knit.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Okay, it's 12:03 and I'm shirking my fiction time to blog--and can I just say what a sorry state of affairs it is when I'm doing this at 12:03 in the freaking morning? Anyway, I'm free of two of my classes, and I couldn't be happier. My friend Barb and I got together today and discussed the total and complete pile of steaming purple yakshit that is continuing education for educators, and one thing became clear to me: I know why I'm taking my CLAD classes.

I mean, it may seem that I'm taking them so they don't fire me when they get around to it...and that would partially be true.

But mostly, I'm taking these dumbass bullshit classes so eventually I'll get off my fat ass and transfer to the other school in the district. Not because I have starry eyed dreams of my life freaking improving when i get there, but because all of my friends have fled the bastarzilla that is our own personal vainglorious prickweenie and now it's me, the Lady in Red, and our other buddy three doors down from her...and that's it. All the really cool people have fled, and only the bitter remain. If I have my CLAD, I have enough seniority to kick people out of my way who want the same job. That's it, I'm nobody's victim, I'm kicking ass and taking names.

I didn't realize what an ass-kicking mood I was in either, until yesterday--after you all assured me that I wasn't a horrible person I went on amazon.com discussion forums, and Mary Janice Davidson had posted--she very cheerfully put in a shameless plug for her light-weight, goofy series that my step-mother, at least, thinks is way better than my own books on a discussion forum for Intelligent Vampire Books.

And then some total asshole fuckheaded bastardzilla prickweenie manky git bugger posted, the following, and I fought back. Here--I've got the script here:

M. Witte says: I mean no disrespect to Ms. Davidson as an author, but I did not care for the Undead and Unwed book. I thought the heroine was a self centered whiner who only cared about her designer shoes. Sorry.

Amy Lane Wow--and you couldn't have kept that to yourself, knowing the author was trolling the site? At least Betsy doesn't deliberately hurt people who have done nothing to her...which makes that 'self-centered whiner' a better character morally than the 'take-no-prisoners critic'. I'm so OVER this whole 'it's cool to be cruel' thing...Yes, we all know it's easier to say something snarky and cute than it is to say something constructive, but you don't have to advertise your lack of ambition to the world.

Whew...

But that last bit aside, there have been a lot of good suggestions here--I had no idea what sort of depth this genre had achieved. (It goes a lot deeper than Laurell K., that's for certain.) Guidelines

M. Witte says: If one goes to a resturant, orders an entree, and it tastes bad, one complains to the waiter/cook, correct?

As mentioned, no disrepect was intended. I was talking about a character in a book (make believe person), not the author.

Amy Lane M. Witte--Actually, all you had to say was, "I'm really not a fan of Ms. Davidson's books--the heroine rubbed me the wrong way. But I do have another recommendation." As an author, that's an acceptable criticism. I stand by what I said--you were being unnecessarily cruel because you could. If you want to prove me wrong, make a rec and add to the discussion.

and Diane, I also love Tanya Huff's books--the 'Smoke' offshoot, that features Tony is probably my favorite of the Henry Fitzroy set.

And I still think Kim Harrison rocks. If you like gore (lots of it) and the seriously funky, nasty, mean sort of intelligent vampire, P.C. Cacek's heroine fits the bill. Not my cup of tea, personally, but I've seen that a lot of people adore her.

So, yeah--I overreacted. And I'm not sorry. In fact, I was so not sorry that I went and ordered my years supply of snarky T-shirts from Zazzle-- they had the following sayings on them:

(front) Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.(back) It seems I can't contain my joy.

(front only) Every time a kid takes a bubble test, a fairie dies.

(front only) Go ahead--mock my knitting. But remember, I'm the one with the pointy sticks.

I really must be ready to go back to work and beat up some meat-juniors, you think? Good. I will not repeat last year, I won't I won't I won't.

Oh yeah--and as for the pictures? Well, for my money, you really can't have too much of that sort of thing...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I'd left a comment on her review--it said, "I'm sorry you didn't like the book (and I am!) but most of the action in 'Vulnerable' takes place in So. Placer County, not Sacramento--are you sure you reviewed the right book?"

Her reply was that she was sorry that she'd offended me and how much she had enjoyed the book and how much she was enjoying the other books and she'd never wanted to offend me--she just rated really really harsh.

My reply to that was that I was in a tenuous position as an independent author--a two star review was a crushing thing. I also asked how I had offended her about our locale--I've grown up here, and for a brief time, a long time ago, I was very much like Cory (only I worked at McDonald's--it's where Mate and I met). I was curious what she found inaccurate and offensive about my description of So. Placer.

And she took it down.

Now I feel like a total bully--crushing free speech was not my intention--I just wanted to know WHY...you have to admit, her review didn't actually explain the lousy rating...I mean, I was curious. I have to be careful now--I didn't realize. I must use this power for good.

But my peeps came through with shining colors--Roxie, Donna Lee, KnitTech, Louiz--you guys jumped in to my little pity-party and changed the music...thank you. Now, I'm swearing off the net for most of the day. It's really cutting into my knitting time. (That and I put off a school assignment last night--I need to get to it, but I sort of need to meditate about it for a little while...creativity needs some non-electronic musing time!)

Monday, July 16, 2007

Okay--this next e-mail is going to be petualant and whiny--feel free to press delete if you're not into petulant and whiny today.

But I am so DONE with people trashing my books and doing it BADLY!!! I like CONSTRUCTIVE criticism--I swear to Goddess I do. If someone were to say, "I didn't see that change from hostile gas station clerk to affectionate fighter for her loved ones as clearly as everyone else seemed to." And gave me two stars for THAT, I'd be good--swear I would. If someone were to say "No one is as nice as Green--he was so not realized." I would object, but I would understand that this is a perspective that I hadn't considered--I could live with it--I know I could! As a matter of fact, I have RESPONDED to criticism like this in a positive way--when I got back the manuscript of BOUND, my reader said, "Cory's mom would have been a lot angrier to find her in that bed with three different men...I thought that scene needed more umph!" And I rewrote it, and it came out SOOOOOOO much better--and I felt really good about that!!!! But to read a bunch of reviews that mention the typos and grammar--even the good ones, bless them! and then buy the book and review it and say, "I didn't like this book because of the grammar errors"--I mean, people, that's like traveling to the spot on the map that says "Here there be dragons!" and coming back all disappointed. "Well, yes, but we didn't really like it, did we? No, we didn't like it at all...there were too many dragons. No. We give that spot on the map two stars. We didn't like all the dragons."

Seriously...SERIOUSLY...here...I'm going to copy the text for you, so you can see the reviews for yourself--and you can tell me what you think...

"The poor grammar was very distracting for me. I was disappointed and slightly offended that the novel took place in my hometown. The description of Sacramento was inaccurate. I enjoyed the first few chapters, but after that, I found myself counting pages until the end."

"I had this book on my wishlist for several months before I took the plunge and spent nearly $20 on it. I wish I had not. This book feels like it was written by a high school girl after having read other paranormal romance novels. She offers no new ideas and as a matter of fact, uses Laurell K. Hamilton's 'ardeur' plot device by having one of the main characters 'heal' with sex. The characters are hollow and the author offers little to no character development. In addition, the editing is absolutely terrible. As a previous reviewer stated, I was itching for a red pen to correct my copy of this story. I would recommend either the first few Antita Blake novels by Laurell K. Hamilton or Mooncalled by Patricia Briggs. Those novels offer everything this one lacks, original plotlines and likeable characters with compelling stories."

Truly people--I try to be gracious when I comment on these, but they're starting to irritate me!!! (You can probably see that in the comment I made to the second one...) I didn't want to take the bad reviews personally--I really didn't--and if they commented on the story at all...but that second one? It was as though she didn't get the entire narrative device of the hostile kid who undergoes the character change--actually, it felt like she didn't even finish it.

*sigh* I guess it's just that my position as a writer is still so tenuous...I'm working my tailfeathers off here, trying to provide a good product, and I wouldn't mind taking a review hit if it helped me provide a better one. If someone had something to say that would help me improve my books (other than the grammar thing--I think we can all agree that it's getting better even if it's still a work in progress) I would be exceedingly grateful. But none of these negative reviews DO that! They mostly just put a little tiny fishing lure weight on my shoulders when I pull up my next book to work on. I'm just afraid those little weights will add up and I won't be able to finish what I start.

I want to raise a little internet army to go vote these reviews down--I know it's not sporting of me, and I know it's impossible. Unlike Cory, I'm not a leader. Not even a little. I'm Keira Knightly from Pirates of the Carribean--I've said it before. I shout "Everybody with me into the rowboat" and in the next frame, I'm rowing alone. But it's getting depressing--it really is. I can see why actors just hide from reviews--I can see why they bury themselves under the covers and scream "la la la la la la" to not hear anything that's going to be a lump on the stage that will trip them up when they have to go on the next night.

Friday, July 13, 2007

I've had the same number for 20 years...I knew it in my sleep. I could punch it out on a phone, on a PIN pad, any pin pad--I was lightning in the grocery line, at the bank, Wal-Mart, gas station--you name it. I could spend money faster than any teacher I knew, with just a flick of my lightning fast fingers.

Alas...no more.

Because I had to change my PIN number...I mean, it helped that my babysitter got her purse stolen--along with all of the checks I had pre-written for her over the summer. We had to change bank-accounts, etc., and when I was resetting my PIN number, I had a sudden thought.

There are a number of things you are not supposed to use as your PIN--your name, your kid's names, your birthdays, your kid's birthdays, your parent's names, any numbers that appear in your purse--that sort of thing.

Well, no problem. My number was a name of someone who didn't exist. No one had ever heard of her--she was a figment of my imagination and a promise of someone I wanted to be.

Well...I sort of am her, now, aren't I? I mean, some of you know my real name--(see a couple posts back!) but most people who know my real name know that I'm Amy Lane.

So Amy Lane is a real, living, breathing person--and as such, she has no business controlling my money. Goddess help us if both of us start spending with that card, we'd be doomed! I'm going to miss her on the PIN pad--I mean, I'm nowhere near as fast with the new number, but (and Mate can attest to this!) I get plenty of practice, so I should be up to speed in no time. But gees...it sure is fun that a bunch of people get to meet the real Amy on a regular basis, isn't it?

Today I stopped by the Almost Perfect Book store to see if they needed more books (yes--actually, they sell them with quiet regularity) and the owner--one of the sweetest people on the planet--asked me, "So--does it ever get weird being Amy Lane?"

Thursday, July 12, 2007

It is a quiet evening at the Lane fortress of domestic bliss. I'm sitting in my chair (a thing that has been rare this summer of unwanted academic inclusion) knitting my Monkey sock (alas, still on the first one) and Big T is across from me, running the remote control through a rerun of Supernatural (yum!). The little ones are asleep, Mate is playing WOW, and Chicken is on a camping trip with grandma. (For the record, I was supposed to join Chicken and T on this trip for a day trip...then T was dropped off at home yesterday with a very hazy direction for when everybody would be home and whether or not I was supposed to join them. This morning I said 'screw it' and decided to stay home and wait for Chicken. Chicken didn't show up, which means that I was probably supposed to go join them after all. I feel really bad about this, but not so bad that I didn't enjoy knitting and writing all day. It's been a rough summer.)

Suddenly I feel it coming on. An attack of "This is awesome and you must praise me!" Fortunately, I'm married to Mate.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Okay, I'm having a quiet day, taking a nap, mooching around the house and spending an inordinate amount of time holding my babies...(yeah...it's a hardship...) and all and all, I'm feeling pretty satisfied w/my day...I've gotten in some knitting, some working on another, secret project that I'm keeping secret because I suck at it but want to share anyway, and a lot of television watching. I took a nap. In short, this is maybe one of four or five days that has been spent doing the things I love most about summer vacations as a whole.

And then I read my horoscope for the day...

LibraSeptember 22 - October 22It may be hard for you to feel connected to anyone today, dear Libra. You are probably better off just keeping to yourself. If you are feeling sad or depressed, it is best to work through these feelings on your own. Other people are not apt to be too sympathetic to your situation. You are better off sticking to your work in order to keep the demons out of your head.

Only the media can spin the sunny side of an average day into "Don't even fucking bother." I'm happy, dammit...I swear to Goddess I am. And I don't have any homework today, so you can take that to the bank!

Now see, nobody's ever asked me where Funky Man came from in BOUND... the truth is, that Kewyn got out of the car once after having eaten a chocolate chip cookie, and he was dirty from his toes to his nose...I started rhyming, "dirty feet, dirty hands, he's my dirty little man" but then I started having visions of my baby in a trenchcoat w/nothing else, so I changed to 'funky' and I liked the rhyme so much I kept cycling it in my head...and then Funky Man became a full fledged giant, bereft PERSON in BOUND...Now see...that's one of the cool things about playing Goddess w/the detritus of your own synapses, you think?

Anyway, I'm thinking 'funky' today, because it's a weird, overcast, windy, FUNKY kinda day, where the air is the color of a dirty sidewalk and the trees look like warrior's of wholesomeness against the total funk-assedness of the day. It's also funky because funky things have been happening today...

Lessee...first of all? I had to bring the little ones to the dentist with me today...was that not fun? Why, no, now that you mention it, it was not...it was in fact...fun-ky! They were pretty good--in fact, the actual dentist was gone, and I was the only patient...the two receptionists were totally charmed and my hygienist was an absolute darling...she let me hold Ladybug while she was cleaning my teeth! Anyone who can hurt me that little when I haven't flossed in that long while a little person is wriggling the chair like mad deserves some sort of award. Then, when Ladybug saw me getting the tooth polish, she wanted some--the hygenist asked my permission of course, but after she had one little tooth glossed over, she smiled wide and said, "me me me..." I mean--can you think of anything funkier than a baby who wants to go to the dentist?

After that we stopped for a Squishee at 7-11 Have you guys heard of that promotion? They changed the name, the cup, and the straws, and now you can get Homer Simpson's Squishee instead of their normal I-Cee... it's really pretty awesome. Apparently they're converting 12 7-11's over the country into full blown Simpson's Qwik-E Marts...People really are nutsy-cuckoo, aren't they?

We got home, and I opened the refrigerator and couldn't figure out what all this food was doing in there--then it hit me: Chicken and T are camping with grandma--and hopefully eating her out of house and home, because this is our week off. It really was a shock to see how much food we DIDN'T eat when they aren't eating it!!! We've saved $10 in milk alone.

The little ones, having no older siblings to annoy, actually went into their OWN room to destroy IT instead of MINE, and then, the funkiest thing happened. Right before the end of school, my work keys disappeared--you know, because the year hadn't been shit enough, the emu of lost keys had to go and crap on my head. Anyway--I was sure they were in the bottom of the toy chest in the front room--well, I was half right. They were in the toy chest in the kids room...the last room in the house to ever get cleaned. It's too bad they already re-keyed my room, ain't it?

And, to make things even weirder? The Cave Troll doesn't want to play outside...I mean that's a first...and I think Ladybug is going to bed at six o-clock tonight...she's just that tired.

So, you see what I mean? Funky...some days are just like that... but then sometimes funky ain't all bad.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Here are the rules:~Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.~They MUST be real places, names, things…NOTHING made up!~If you can’t think of anything, skip it.~Try to use different answers if the person before you had the same 1st initial.~You CAN’T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Well, I've dropped the older kids off with grandma--all the better to take them on a week long camping trip, my dears--and Ladybug is reluctantly napping... (she dozes off with occassional breaks in her sleep to screech at us for leaving her in the crib. It's a good system, really)--and the Cave Troll is enjoying some alone time with his movie-of-the-week (the same movie he's been watching all week...this week, it's Garfield...ooogie-ooogie-oogie, oi! oi! oi!) so I thought I'd work on some old me-mes I've been tagged with.

The first one is from Netter and while it's been a couple of post back, I seem to recall that it was mostly a retrospective--how has my blogging changed in a year, what was my original audience, how is my voice different...

I think the reason I've been so reluctant to do this one is that my inner reality tends to shift...one day I think I started blogging looking for friends (and I've found some wonderful ones--so in that case it worked) and the next day I remember that I started blogging because I overheard some colleagues talking about how my fiction writing was 'okay' but my non-fiction was really where my strength was, and I thought maybe I'd test that out. (Okay--I love blogging, but it ain't fiction. Fiction is like being twelve other people on any given day, and since there are so many people I've always wanted to be, you just can't top that.) My husband thought I started blogging to pimp my books. Although it's helped, I always had a very different idea behind the blog--the Yarn Harlot has been my inspiration in that department, and she's a good one. Honestly, I also think that Mate thought that blogging would get me off his back about a website. We can see that I do have a certain tenacity for some things, so that didn't work out well now did it? But no matter how I started, blogging has become a way to share my day with my friends... with non-judgemental adults who enjoy the same things I do and are kind and forgive me for being cranky and neurotic and narcisstic...and who laugh at my jokes. Really, the best sort of friends, right?

Now, how has my blogging changed? Well, a lot. I started out very pristine, with very few swear words and a lot of self-conciousness about the grouchier sides of my personality--part of this was because I thought I'd be blogging with my students and I looked forward to that. I don't even want to talk about how that turned out--it was the mother pus-bucket of bad ideas, but part of that was that I got a whole different animal as far as students were concerned. I was expecting domesticated house-pet rodents like, you know, hamsters and guinea pigs and fancy mice (why are they fancy you ask? I suppose it's the sequined dresses!) and what I got were rabid flesh eating sewer rats from some demon-flunky's toilet, and if it hadn't been for the support of the rest of you all, I would have soured on the whole blogging thing then, but you all rocked and so my bad idea didn't kill what has been basically a good thing for me. I now no longer bitch about people at work unless I want them to see--someone at work who reads my blogs has forwarded passages to people who normally wouldn't, people I was bitching about, and I have realized, the hard way, that although this feels like a private room to kvetch in, the walls do have ears. I wish i could talk to that person who forwarded the bit about my co-dept. chair not having balls, though, because the fact was, I had tried to talk to the guy about the matter before I bitched, and I hunted him down to talk to him after I bitched (he was hiding in his classroom--he's not big on face to face confrontation, whereas I really do like to clear the air) and this person almost turned what could have been moment for me to be hurt and angry in a safe place into a big rift between myself and someone I really do like. It didn't turn out that way--we have a better relationship than ever now--but it was a potentially hurtful thing to do. Of course, it was a big 'live and learn' opportunity for me, but stuff like that just makes me more inclined to shove all my anger down into my bowels instead of venting it, and we all know my bowels aren't living up to the strain. So, I guess I have gone from formalized, essay like posts (some of which I wish I could get to--for some reason blogger isn't letting me into my old stuff and "In Defense of Housewife Porn" was really a good entry-- oh, wait,I found it here! ) to me allowing myself to totally meltdown in public to a more balanced (maybe) medium between the two. But not too balanced--I'm very passionate (really? nooooo...) and my emotional scales tend to wobble quite a bit. Maybe that's why people keep reading me?

And as for my voice? With the exception of the swear words, I think my blogging voice has mostly maintained. I'm very often without that little screen that separates what I think from what I SHOULD say...blogging isn't all that different for me in that respect. The fact that we all know who 'vainglorious prickweenies' are is sort of a tribute to that fact, I think.

bleah. Maybe I avoided that for so long because, all respect to Netter (and I love her--she knits beautifully, makes gorgeous yarn, and deals with motherhood with more grace than I suspect she herself believes) I just don't feel that interesting on this level. Now, I forget who I am supposed to tag, so I'll tag everybody who feels like answering-- just let me know if you answered--I want to read!!!

Now for my next me-me...the Mother of Chaos gave me a 'Rockin' girl blogger' button a few posts ago (and she posts a LOT, so it was like, two weeks ago) and I was very flattered. (Her writing is hilarious, clean, and flawlessly proofread--unlike mine which is weird, fouled with R-rated language, and sports more typos than my first novel in every entry--I felt very unworthy:-) Anyway, there's a button that comes with it and everything, but although I went to the site w/the button, I had no idea how to save that puppy and put it on my blog. It's cool--it's pink and everything. Anyway, since I often feel like a "frazzled female blogger" it's great that I got placed in the "Rockin' Girl blogger" instead. And as for tagging people? Okay--the only people who check my blog are women--I think we're pretty estrogen heavy here, which is mellow and groovy, because there's plenty of testosterone poisoning in other parts of our lives...maybe we all blog because it's sort of the antidote to all that? Anyway, my point is, for the Rockin' Girl blogger thing--uhm...everybody? Tag. You're it!

Friday, July 6, 2007

Well, I should have, they gave me enough anesthetic to put out a manatee...lucky me, Mate was home, and I really did get much of my day off...thank heavens for outpatient procedures. I really love nurses, but I really hate hospitals...and I don't have to do THAT again for another two years. (Of course there is the mild anxiety about the polyp biopsy, but it was benign last time, I have done very little to offend the little bugger, and now that it's gone, I think we're okay.)

Tomorrow my LYS is opening after moving to a larger suite in the same site--I'm so excited for Babetta and company...I really love my LYS proprietors...they truly are the nicest people. (And Babetta's granddaughter has Ladybug's real name. We're like the only two people in Nor-Cal to name babies after this particular character in Lord of the Rings...although my pediatric nurse does recall a baby Smeagol, poor goober...that's a toughie to live down. We once had a cat named Smeagol that was such a rat bastard, I seem to recall my dad actually TRYING to hit it--he's a man that takes cat piss in a corner very seriously. But I totally digress.)

Anyway, tomorrow, I should be beyond the whole 'ooohh...I'm so loopy I think The Suite Life of Zach and Cody is funny (worst Disney sitcom EVER!)' thing, and on to my usual cranky self, when I promise to get to some memes--no, I haven't forgotten. We just didn't have a way for me to get internet on the commode. And don't think I didn't try, knowing I was going to be spending four hours there yesterday. I'm not one for wasting time, really--in this house, it's sort of like throwing away perfectly good platinum and feeding truffles to the cats.

And today, I'm exulting in the sock pattern I made up. Okay, it's a basic ripple, and I sort of started ripping off the jaywalker socks, since I love that ripple, and then I just, well...I hate that increase, the one at the beginning and ending at each dpn? I dropped more stitches that way, and really, a yo is such a lovely increase, isn't it? It looks just swell, and if we knit one before each yo, and then one after each yo, well it changes the look just a little, well, a lot, and then, instead of the s1k2togpsso decrease--which, you all have to admit, can be a fractions irksome bastard when it wants to, I decided, hell, I'm really good at the toe decreases--I LOVE the way they look...but how about leaving one stitch in between them instead of two...and how about slipping that stitch every other row so it just sort of pops out...and now, you can all see how they're not jaywalkers at all, but more like Chicken Toes and YO's...which is what I think I'll call them...and now I have to finish one so you can see what it looks like. My only regret is that I picked a striped yarn with probably my least favorite color combo in it--as soon as I realized I was going to be designing my own pattern, well, I didn't want to waste perfectly good cherry tree hill or claudias on IT so I picked this funky 70's stripe thing from OnLine, which other people adore, but I'm like, 'eh'. But that's okay. They're for someone else...I can just enjoy the ripple pattern and throw them in a gift bag when I'm done...

And speaking of FO's--I FINISHED THE VANILLA STRIPED SOCKS...no, no pictures...really--they're a perfectly good pair of socks in a really pretty color combo...and they're getting tossed in an envelope and sent to my Aunt who has been waiting the better part of a year...canyagimmehallelujia? Amen. Now I just have to finish the Cave Troll's alligator sweater--I mean, I'm 1/2 way done w/the first sleeve... and, oh, wait...I've got pesky classes I have to do, and BITTERMOON won't write itself...

But as Triane, Goddess of Joy is my witness, I shall live to knit again.

Thanks to a perfectly nice gastrenterologist and a gallon of Go-lightly, that is...

Thursday, July 5, 2007

No...you really don't want to know what that means. I'm prepping for my disgusting medical procedure...no food for a day and a half, clear liquids only (fortunately this counts chicken broth, Sprite and Gatorade that's not red, pink, orange, or purple) and...well, let's just say I've prepped my throne room with lots of reading material and the i-Pod...

And I may not finish this post before I have to run away to said throne.

There's got to be an easier way.

On the good news front, we had company yesterday for the 4th--and I'm thrilled to say, they did not run away screaming when they saw the house. Of course, I spent most of yesterday screaming at kids and trying to clean the place so that this could happen--yeeha, success...and I managed to guilt Mate into clean up, since his big contribution (besides the all important grilling) was taking the big kids to see Transformers (yeah, it was a sacrifice, but someone who didn't know how to make the potato salad had to do it).

And,on the writing front, BITTERMOON is at the 535 page mark--I'm thinking another 300 pages, and I could just about wrap that baby up. So, I'm going to end this (short-it's gonna have to be short...I can feel it in my, uhm, innards) short post by asking a general question--

Would you rather buy two fairly expensive books that are both the same story or one big honkin' doorstop at a REALLY prohibitive price?

I'm asking because if BITTERMOON ends up at 900 pages, it's going to cost, like $35, and the result will be, NO ONE who has never heard of me will even think of buying it. So, everyone out there w/an opinion, speak up, either here or at amylaneATgreenshillDOTcom, and let me know...I'm all for a ginormous doorstop, but, you know, sales would be nice. Gotta go...(and go and go and go...Go-lightly my chafed and miserable ass.)

Monday, July 2, 2007

Okay, so I've been doing all of these different posts in my head--I've got one on the absurdity of R-ratings--I saw Die Hard 4--loved it shamelessly--and have been cracking up continuously because the only difference between the PG-13 rating and the R rating was the word *fuck*--and I'm like, "Hello, people, you had a *fucking* body count of five hundred bajillion, but it's a PG-13 movie because you left out a four letter word that my kids have known since the 2nd grade?" But, that's another post...

I've got one running around from something I read on Smart Bitches/Trashy Books about how romance books are ruining the American Family (Julie can back me up on this one--I'm only exaggerating a little teen-tiny bit here)and I'd love to go off on a rant about how completely shitsational that idea is, and that would be fun too!

I won a contest at Louiz' place, and I'm all a-giggle over that--she's got some blue lace-weight there that might have me casting on one more project that I cannot possibly finish on deadline, but it's so gorgeous that I don't think I'll care. I could write about how much I want to make something out of lace, because I'm so not-delicate, and I think a lace project would tickle me fragile--hey, I even like the expression! (Thanks Louiz!!!)

And it seems to be my day on the net, because Mother of Chaos has tagged me for a meme, and it comes with a button (I so suck at getting buttons on my blog...I need Mate's help, and in addition to an excellent and nurturing 'taking care of children' function, Mate also comes with the 'sardonic eyebrow of you-can't-do-this? knob', and I dread that particular function because I don't know how to turn it off.) but apparently I am a girl that rocks! (Yes, yes I do--I've got Coldplay on the i-Pod right now, I'm rocking right along...) and thanks, Mama-C--right backatcha--you totally rock out loud and I'm so totally honored! So, see--I need to write that post, and the one that Netter tagged me with a week back when I was feeling cranky but that I'd love to respond to now...

Hey, if I was really hard-up for material I could share with you the icky and potentially painful medical procedure that I've got gearing up at the end of the week, a leftover from my "mysterious fever of potential scary-word death" days a month or two back... I mean, that always makes for good blogging, right?

I'd love to write about ALL of these things, plus a few more things--like the fact that there is an endcap in Texas right now with my books on it and the very idea makes me want to jump up and down like Bruce Willis in DieHard pick-a-number and scream "WOOOOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" (That and "Yippee-Kai-Yay Motherfucker"--yes, the whole word and not the pistol shot at the end of it...) and I still can hardly believe it, and I'm terrified beyond shitless...I'm like terrified sweatless and terrified spitless and terrified brainless that this whole thing will backfire in this nice man's face and everybody in Texas will hate me worse than plague... or, worse, that my books won't sell at all. I mean, shit--that alone would make one of my best neurotic egomaniac narssicist posts EVER.

I could tell you all how the Ladybug and Cave Troll both conspired to turn my husband and I off of movie popcorn forEVER AND EVER AMEN. But that if we ever had any doubts that rats are smarter than people think, the movie Ratatouille has cured that too.

But I can't write about all of this wonderful weirdness floating around my gray-matter sewer, because I have to write the world's most bullshit lesson plan for the world's mmost bullshit class for the state's most bullshit idea in a history of bullshit meddling in things that bullshit politicians know purple yakshit about. Really, wouldn't you rather have had another post about housewife porn? Yeah...me too...

About Me

I am creative, distracted, and terribly weird. I love my children to distraction, and I love my hobbies even when they piss me off. I come from a double line of extremely creative, intelligent people who hated authority so much they dodged higher education, and I married a wonderful man who is quiet, conservative, devestatingly funny, and perfect. Our children are constant reminders that God and Goddess have a profound sense of humor, and that all of the things you dislike most about yourself but pretend don't exist really do come back on the karmic wheel to kick your ass when you least expect it. My family keeps me young and humble and I try every day to make them proud. I've written a LOT of books--I can't even count anymore, most of them for Dreamspinner Press and Riptide Press, but some of them published on my own. I write to placate the voices in my head, profanity is the element I swim in, and knitting socks at stoplights has become my twitch.

Quickening

The Fifth Book of the Little Goddess series will be out in two parts, May 2nd and June 16th.

*Kermit Flail*

If you would like to submit a new release for *Kermit Flail* Monday, simply e-mail me at amylane@greenshill.com with your title, .jpg cover attachment, blurb, and buy link. It helps if I know you-- I'll say sweet things about you-- but even if I don't, I'm happy to put you up on the *Flail*.