The Love Mirror

What do your kids see when they look in your eyes?

If they're more than a day old, chances are it's not always dewy pangs of love. Sometimes, after a long day of hidden homework, soggy snow pants or missing money, the message my eyes send is one of anger or disappointment: "How could you?"

I've read enough to understand how to channel bad behavior which is sometimes not deliberately bad, just mistaken or careless. And I work hard reinforcing the consequences of wrong choices and our responsibility to fix mistakes. At least, on my good days.

On those other days when my attention is shattered into pitifully small fragments, I feel like a broken record -- if only my kids knew what a record was. Then, it all goes out the window. I wish I could say something useful, but for all I've read and all the classes I've taken, I know if I open my mouth, something terrible might come out, making matters worse. My son will slink off with his "badness," my daughter will curl up with it in bed. Like an ingrown toenail, their negative behavior will become ever more central to a child's identity. "I'm a bad kid," they'll think. "Maybe I'll do something rotten." Aaargh!

A few weeks ago, I realized my pressure-cooker usually blows right before Shabbat when I get overwhelmed by the thousand details that seemingly will never fall into place.

I sympathize when batters slide into home plate -- that's me at candle lighting. And in the middle of it all, my kids would come bounding in, needing snacks, baths, outfits, waving tests, Parsha pages, banana-smelling lunch bags and doodles they'd made on Tuesday but saved just…because. Sometimes, I'd snap.
Big problem. Shabbat is supposed to be a joy; something we look forward to, not dread, and I worried that my anxiety would rub off.
Then, I looked in the mirror… and found a solution.

This particular Friday, I just finished cleaning the mirrors and was putting away laundry when I spotted window markers we'd bought at Chanukah time. Markers… mirrors… suddenly, they seemed made for each other.

Inside the heart, I wrote the words I feared I might not be able to say later: "100% Adorable."

I started with the full-length hallway mirror. I drew a big heart, at kid-height. I was kicking myself for wasting precious Friday minutes, but something told me this was the most important thing I'd accomplish that day. In a different colour, I wrote "Love Mirror" under the heart. Inside the heart, I wrote the words I feared I might not be able to say later: "100% Adorable." To cover all bases, I added, "…99% of the time." On a roll, I drew a heart on their (clean!) bathroom mirror, right where their faces would be. The message: "Absolutely Perfect."

When the kids arrived, I was extra calm, letting them know I'd love to hear their stories and pictures -- later, on Shabbat. After my son's bath, I spotted him wandering, tzitzit hanging out one way, shirt flying the other, one sock on, trouser legs dragging. Chasing him usually pushes me to my limit. That day, I herded him gently, saying, "Look in the mirror before you come out; be sure you're tucked in and ready."

Eventually, his door creaked open, and I heard footsteps down the hallway. Then, a coo of delight. No sound, and then he was in the kitchen, arms around me. "You're 100% adorable," he laughed, and went off, dressed and ready, to explore the new stash of books we just got from the library.

Since they were babies, it's been my pleasure and honour each Shabbat to "bentsch" [bless] my kids, hand on head, offering traditional blessings. I always ask, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"

The answers are usually small -- "I listened to my teacher" -- but I'm told the greatest journeys begin with the smallest steps.

Not long ago, we read about Joseph and Potiphar's wife. When she tries to seduce him, he flees, and is thrown in jail. Though running away is exactly what we'd expect from Joseph, the Talmud (Sotah 36b) suggests that Joseph was actually about to succumb when he suddenly saw an image of Jacob, his father, in a window.

A window can become like a mirror that reflects what's inside. Some believe that's exactly what Joseph saw -- himself. His own likeness to Jacob pushed him back on the path once and for all.

I have updated our mirror messages a couple of times since that first week. The full-length hallway mirror asks, "You look nice… are you? (I hope so!)" Their bathroom mirror now says, "I'm so proud of my tzaddik / tzadekes in training!"

I want them to keep looking for that person inside, even when I'm not there or not able to say so. Every mirror, it seems, has become a window into my children's eyes.

They are little acorns now, but their ancestors were great oaks; if the winds are right and the soil is rich, they may yet live up to that heritage, no matter how grumpy I get. And instead of a condemning, "How could you?" our Love Mirror reminds them of who they can become, gently challenging: "How could you not?"

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About the Author

Jennifer M. Paquette lives with her two children in Toronto, where she works for a Jewish seniors' centre. Her articles and essays have appeared in many Canadian and international publications, including Today's Parent, The Jewish Week and Jewish Action, in the book "Chicken Soup for the Mother and Daughter Soul" (Health Publishing) and on CBC Radio. She freelances regularly for the Canadian Jewish News and is also a published fiction author.

Visitor Comments: 15

(15)
Anonymous,
May 21, 2003 12:00 AM

Looking for ways to show my unconditional love...this is great!

My daughter is 21 months and cannot yet read, so the words may not be that affective...but the concept itself is. After reading this, I have decided to put a mirror in her room at her eye level and do the same with it. We're not Jewish...my husband was raised in Islam and I am Catholic but the fundamental ideas are still here. Incidentally, my daughter used to say "Shalom" to everyone (she got it off a video).

(14)
Anonymous,
April 7, 2003 12:00 AM

Beautiful and inspiring. Thank you.

Beautiful and inspiring. Thank you.

(13)
sjhepner,
January 30, 2003 12:00 AM

CRANKY ON SHABBAT...

I USED TO ALWAYS BE CRANKY ON SHABBAT TOO, BECAUSE OF THE WORKLOAD... THIS STORY WOKE ME UP... I LOVED THE IMAGE OF JACOB WARNING Joseph, it truly rang a bell,... does G-d have an early warning system...

(12)
Vanessa,
January 29, 2003 12:00 AM

This is great!

I THink the aish web page is realy a great page because it contains truthful and educational information. SHALOM!! Vanessa.

(11)
Eliana Ruth Kemp,
January 28, 2003 12:00 AM

something that makes you think!

I'm 13 and about to get a job at a preschool just down the road from my house. I want to be a preschool teacher when I grow up and I think love mirrors are a great idea. Your actical has made ne want to reach my goal even more

(10)
Jennifer M. Paquette,
January 28, 2003 12:00 AM

You're right -- they're not just for kids!

Remember also that the Jewish women in the desert didn't contribute jewellery to build the Golden Calf, but readily gave away their mirrors to build the Mishkan (portable Tabernacle).

A mirror can reflect vanity or it can reflect holiness; it's all in how we look at it.

Thanks, all, for your fabulous feedback.

J

(9)
Anonymous,
January 28, 2003 12:00 AM

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

(8)
Joy,
January 28, 2003 12:00 AM

adorable!

This story actually brought tears to my eyes. Too often, we're too busy with getting through the days (especially with little children} that we don't appreciate why we're doing this in the first place (ie bringing up happy children.) It's so nice to get the reminder in such a pleasant way. Thanks!

(7)
Debra Monasch,
January 27, 2003 12:00 AM

Fabulous Idea

I have never been married and am not a mother; but one can be sure I will forward this to all the mothers I know. What a wonderfully fun idea and the concept it instills is profoundly important.

(6)
Phelippe A. Salazar,
January 27, 2003 12:00 AM

Extemly helpful and moving.

I am a dad who has been the "mom" from the time was daughter was 3. The article was inspiring and a good reminder of whom we ALL are. We ALL need to look in that mirror.

(5)
Yaakov,
January 27, 2003 12:00 AM

Innovative

Positive recognitions in small ways for small feats go further to promote great accomplishments.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 27, 2003 12:00 AM

Insightful reminder...

that our children will fulfill our expectations, and see themselves reflected in our attitudes toward them. They will love as they were loved, parent as they were parented. So long as they never are given to doubt that they are truly, deeply loved, they will flourish and grow under patient and consistent discipline. Thanks for another invaluable article!

(3)
Dovid Kirschner,
January 27, 2003 12:00 AM

I constantly worry about this very problem - to the point where it is virtually tortuous. B.H. you said this! Not only do I feel more normal, but now I have a couple of good ideas!

(2)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Fathers Need To Read This, Too

What a great article...for both mothers AND fathers. Fathers need to understand the tremendous pressure mothers are under with their children...and also to realize that, they too, have much to do with how their kids view themselves.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2003 12:00 AM

what a heart-warming article!

I too, like Ms. Paquette, often overlook the reflection in the mirror. I may look like a tyrant at times, but the love I have for my kids should be seen at all times, regtardless of how I may feel or how badly I misbehave. By the way, Ms. Paquette, I see Yerachmiel and Elisheva on a daily basis, and the love and devotion they have, not just for each other, but for every other human being, is truly a reflection of the love and devotion bestowed upon them by you - Kol Hakavod!! I do believe they will grow to be the true Ben/Bat Yisrael you expect them to be.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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