Tuesday, August 22, 2017

JOKES: 8 20 17

A doctor that had
been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told
her to bring a list of all the medicines
that had been prescribed for
her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide
as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control
pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you
realize these are birth control
pills?" "Yes, they
help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you
there is absolutely nothing in
these that could possibly help you sleep!" She
reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said,
"Yes, dear, I know that. But
every morning, I grind one up and mix it
in the glass of orange juice that my
16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And
believe me it definitely helps me sleep
at night." You gotta love
Grandmas!

A man was riding on
a full bus minding his own business when the
gorgeous woman next to him
started to breast-feed her baby. The baby
wouldn't take it so she said, "Come
on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man
next to us." Five minutes
later the baby was still not
feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice man
here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up
your mind! I was supposed to get
off four stops ago!"

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their
mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at
all. One student was hard
put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1) It is
perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the
right temperature.

4) It is
inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6) It is always
available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of
the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two
attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat
can't get it. He got an A.

An old Italian man in
Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson
to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But
grandpa, I really don't like
guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You
lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a
big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a
day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?' "

A woman and her
12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in
Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were
standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their
husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and
says, "Geez lady, why don't you
tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They
have sex with men for
money." The little boy's eyes get
wide and
he says, "Is that true
Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a
few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if
those women have babies, what
happens to them?" She said,
"Most of them become taxi
drivers."

An elderly, but
hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young
female neighbor that if she
wanted to live a long life, the secret
was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on
her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left
behind 14 children, 30
grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40
foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.

The
other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth
pulled.

The
dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.

The
dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"

The dentist
then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The
gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't
know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It
doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth."