In need of a leadership shift, Gatorade hired former Jim Jones acolyte Jonathan Ratliff, who not only has been working closely with Gatorade developers for the past 12 years, but also played a pivotal role in the largest mass suicide in the past 1900 years.

“No one would’ve believed that beneath a Middle Eastern desert extraterrestrials were conducting a vast, worldwide surveillance operation,” Israeli Army Major Joseph Dov revealed to Weekly World News. “That is, until we found them!”

As recounted in his memoirs, Benjamin Franklin flew a kite during a storm to prove that lightning was, in fact, electricity. However, in a newly uncovered first draft of his autobiography, Franklin recounts how he also experienced a short-lived but strange side effect from the experiment.