Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

Millions of people are hoping to view the EUROVISION Song Contest, which this year will take place in Moscow.

However, a select few thousand people who have paid small fortunes to attend and ‘be there’ at the event are expected to be furious when they arrive in Moscow, Russia, only to discover that the EUROVISION Contest is actually taking place in the Moscow Stadium in Relubbus, frequently referred to amongst the Cornish cultural cognoscenti as simply ‘Moscow’, as in the phrase “Goin up Moscow tonight, aree?”.

The glittering 90,000 seater Moscow stadium was opened only last year by 104-year-old Councillor Billy Spargo’s pride and joy, his 22-year-old great granddaughter, Tilly Bunt.

Tilly, pictured here on the left wearing clothes, is the well-known burlesque performer who has stormed the far West.

In her 10 month career so far in working men's clubs in and around Crowlas,Tilly has already earned enough to purchase outright a £150,000 estate in St Buryan, as well as a sumptuous £29,000 pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance.

The stadium is shown here on the left in a picture with beautiful Chinese TV reporter, Liu Jingwen.

Liu has come to Relubbus to cover the great event because of the surprise Chinese entry from Mao Ze Dong called “Just Me and my Little Red Book”.

This is believed to be the very FIRST posthumous entry ever in EUROVISION. Precisely how the Chinese will overcome the customary motionlessness associated with being dead is unknown, although experts are expecting a lot of flashing lights on the ‘box’ as well as furious activity from the supporting 150-strong dance troupe. None of the dancers is over the age of 11. This is seen as an attempt to provide a counter-balance to the undeniably deceased state of the ‘singer’.

The Chinese entry is expected to do well because of tactical voting on behalf of the many countries which are looking to China to help pull them out of recession.

However, despite this in-built advantage for the Chinese, all the smart money will be on the late entry from Latvia featuring two Lesbians, Laima and Ludis.

The self-sytyles "Two Lovelies" are singing their own creation Lovegirls’ Lullaby, accompanied by the Riga Harmonica Orchestra of People of Restricted Growth.

This entry is expected to attract a huge loyalty vote from Lesbians throughout the EU, including from certain well-known Penzance guest houses. Bookmakers are now refusing to take bets on the two girls.

What will the result be? Well, wait and see, but you can be sure that the Roundup will be there to report it all for you!!