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Friday, February 18, 2011

Marriage Was Not Designed To Make You Happy

Marriage was not designed to make you happy, satisfied,
or whole. If you go into it for any of the aforementioned reasons,
you’re in for a rude awakening.

Some of my friends asked me to expound, so I guess I’ll take a stab at it here.
First let me preface this post by saying that I in no way claim to
be an expert on marriage. My husband and I have been married a little
under four years and we’re still learning a lot of things about being
married. If you want expert advice, talk to someone who’s been at this
for decades (and let me listen in). I can only share what I’ve learned
so far. Further, I assure you that, despite the tone of this post, I
really love being married. However, I don’t want people to be
delusional about what marriage is or is not. So let me share with you
what marriage cannot do.

Marriage cannot make you happy.
I think it’s safe to say that many people who want to be married
think that marriage will make them happy, but I maintain that’s just
not true. We’ve all grown up with the fairy tales where the princess
finds a prince, gets married, and lives “happily ever after.” Simply
put, nothing can “make” you happy. Absolutely nothing. Happiness is a
personal choice and is not contingent upon one’s circumstances. There
are plenty of happy poor folks and miserable millionaires. If you
aren’t happy before marriage, chances are you won’t be happy in it. And
unfortunately, a lot of people get dejected when they enter a marriage
and realize they’re not as happy as they thought they’d be. Learn to be
happy independent of outside influences.

Marriage does not equal satisfaction.
Let me be clear: you will not be completely satisfied in your
marriage 100% of the time. You’re talking about two people who were
raised by different mothers, were taught different standards, and
somehow decided it would be a good idea to join together and become a
unit. But because they are still two very distinct people, clashes
naturally arise when expectations don’t align with reality. He has
different ideas about cleaning than you do. She has different ideas
about money than you do. You both thought sex would be more plentiful
than it currently is. Somebody is going to be disappointed occasionally.

There is not a single person on earth who can completely live up to
your expectations because all of us fall short. Whomever you marry will
likely disappoint you, and I’m sure you won’t do much better. And don’t
think you can change the things you don’t like about him or her. That’s
a dead-end road, and even if you did “fix” those things, chances are
you’d only find more things later that need to be “fixed.” Go into a
marriage expecting the other person to fall short (within reason) and
decide preemptively to extend some grace when they do.

Marriage cannot make you whole.
Everyone wants to feel complete, whether it’s in their careers or
their personal lives. They somehow don’t feel like they can sit back,
relax, and enjoy life until they have something they’ve always wanted.
Sadly, plenty of people put their happiness on hold for some
hypothetical day in the future when they have everything they want,
including a marriage and family. If partial contentment is your status
quo and the way you live your life, I can guarantee you that once you
do obtain the things you think you want, you’ll find a reason not to be
happy with them. Something will always be out of place.

Oh and another thing… do NOT go into a marriage expecting your
spouse to make you better, fix your hurts from your past, or give you
everything you ever thought you’d need. Only God can do that. Please,
if you have personal issues that you’re aware of, work on them before
you get married or you will sabotage yourself. Your spouse is not your
therapist or your fairy godparent.

So, why get married in the first place?
Well, only you can answer that. But I can tell you one indispensible
prerequisite for a successful marriage: be prepared to work. Marriage
is beautiful, blessed, and sacred, but it’s not for punks. They say it
takes work, but I say it more than requires work — it is work
personified. It is a full-time job requiring a lot of spiritual,
mental, and emotional strength. When you hear the words “for better or
for worse,” imagine what the “worse” could possibly look like and
honestly ask yourself if you have the wherewithal to thrive in those
situations. If you don’t have it, that’s fine. There are far worse
fates in life than to live it as a single person. But if you feel you
have the fortitude to fully submit to another person until one of you
leaves this earth, by all means go for it.

There is honestly no nobler thing than to dedicate your life to
someone other than yourself, which is essentially what marriage is. You
have to have the heart of a servant to do this thing correctly. Can you
still fix him a plate even after he’s thoroughly pissed you off? Would
you still put gas in her car for work tomorrow even after she’s stepped
all over your ego? After days of fighting and arguing, can you still
muster the humility to pray for one another? These are the types of
things successfully married people do. In this job, you don’t clock out
just because you’re not “feeling it.” That’s a hard thing for people to
understand in a culture of selfishness, but it is what it is. Strong
marriages are comprised of strong people, so you must ask yourself
before you get to the altar, “Am I strong enough?”

Denise is a wife, mother, professional web designer, and minister-in-training living in the D.C. area. Check out her blog, How Mama Got Her Swag Back.

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