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Saturday, 4 March 2006

GMTV's Penny Smith last night departed the BBC's Just the Two of Us series bloodied but unbowed and claimed that only veteran rock singer Rod Stewart could be the ultimate judge of her performance. Dismissing claims by talentless midget Lulu and former Police drummer Stewart Copeland that she "sang like an out of tune arse full of shit", the determined television newsgirl vowed to continue with her singing career, despite UN fears that her painful vocalising could result in a bloody sectarian civil war.

Wavis O'Shave makes Anna Ford an offer she can't refuse...

"I may know shit-all about singing and make the sound of a herd of wildebeast being painfully put through a bacon slicer, but no bugger's going to stop me exercising my divine right to warble tunelessly along to T. Rex songs", claimed a defiant Smith. "Curtis and I are already working on my debut single, a cover of an obscure Wavis O'Shave song called Anna Ford's Bum, so shove that in your pipes and smoke it you bunch of tone-deaf arses," said Smith, with some feeling. "It's a bloody belter!" said a clearly demented Curtis Stigers, evidently beginning to feel the strain of his tempestuous and at times downright dangerous association with stunning the news journalist and yoga expert.

Wavis O'Shave makes Debbie Harry an offer she can't refuse...

Sources close to Rod Stewart were evasive, claiming that the singer hadn't even heard Smith's riotously unimpressive performances during the week long entertainment contest. "Rod's renowned for being as tight as a gnat's chuff. Do you really think he'd shell out over a hundred notes for a television license just to hear that tart caterwauling like a mange-ridden water buffalo with toothache? It's hard enough getting a drink out of him," said a spokesman for the frugal Scot.

Stewart: "How much!! Must be your round then..."

"Anna Ford's Bum by Penny Smith and Curtis Stigers is released from a secure lead container on Monday.