So here's something I didn't ask to see: Heidi Klum's sand-dusted, half-sunburned ass. But here I am, looking at her full moon anyway. Klum tweeted a photo of her butt over the weekend while frolicking at the beach with her boyfriend and kids, as one does. She wants us to witness her sunburn! "Ouch!" she says, while pulling her bikini brief far enough down for us to see where the sun usually don't shine.

Yeah ... nice try, Heidi, using a sunburn as an excuse to show off your bum. I think we all know the subtext of this photo is "OMG I am so sexeeee! Look! LOOK!" Heidi Klum's ass will not be denied. It needs attention, from all of us, and we all must gaze upon its shining glory rightthisveryinstant.

Advertisement

And you know what? I kind of can't blame her. If my ass looked like that ... wait, let me check and see. Maybe it does?

Yeah, no, I checked, and it does not look like that.

Anyway, as I was saying -- if my ass looked like that, I would be tempted to Instagram it to the world, too. It's not that naughty a photo. Butts are kind of cheeky, right? (Haha, see what I did there?) But I still probably wouldn't do it. You have to save a few body parts for the special person in your life. Call me old-fashioned, but I consider everything that fits under a string bikini those body parts.

Then again, as a former model, Heidi has probably shown even more than that, so it probably doesn't matter a bit to her. Maybe she's more evolved than us ordinary, non-model mortals. I don't know. I'm just living in this brave new world of NSFW selfies. I don't understand what the hell is going on half the time. If the world doesn't see your ass, does it even exist? Maybe this is totally normal. Maybe I'll Instagram both cheeks next time I'm at the beach. Why be selfish?