Miley Cyrus made a powerful statement at the Art Basel show in Miami by smoking weed and drinking on stage while talking about death and banging on the piano to songs she said her friend’s cat wrote for her. It’s a little less beatnik perhaps when the show is sponsored by Tommy Hilfiger and you’re staying at the Fountainbleau with your celebrity boyfriend from USC.

“You thought Art Basel was a respected place where you could escape me. This year has constantly challenged me, and that’s why I started doing art. — Miley Cyrus on stage

Actually, I thought Art Basel was a pretentious shit show of trust funders hoping to hawk their collages to friends of Gwyneth Paltrow who invest in art for the same reason dudes at Jiffy Lube hang up wall posters of hot black chicks with big asses in thongs. But that part about escaping Miley certainly seems warranted. Though I’m pretty sure we all realize now there is no escape.

Lovable cum sponge Miley Cyrus got la Raza all in a tizzy after posing for pics in a sombrero and taco costume. Personally, I’d be thankful for the cultural shout out. Any time Miley embraces you and you don’t get contact syphilis, you’ve won.

Demi Lovato announced she “has nothing in common” with Miley Cyrus because she was conducting an interview and had to say something quote worthy. Cyrus and Lovato were best friends until Lovato had a nervous breakdown and was found to be a bipolar bulimic self harming cocaine addict. This is known to happen in the company of Cyrus as your post dildo themed rave serotonin levels dip until your body tells itself it’s dead now. The two are on a different trajectory. Cyrus may not reach the rehab milestone for years to come and it will probably coincide with nobody giving a shit about her anymore. In the meantime it’s best the two avoid each other. While Lovato struggles to maintain her sobriety, Cyrus is currently struggling to remain not sober. It’s a constant battle but usually ends well with anonymous sex you can’t remember. With any luck the two can rekindle their friendship. It would be a Shakespearian tragedy if Lovato’s relapses should coincide with Cyrus’ eventual rehab stints.

Miley Cyrus celebrated her 22nd birthday by riding a giant dick in a nightclub full of sex dolls and dildos stuck to the walls. I filled in the part where she ate enough molly to poke a hole in her highlights and got a train run on her by the partners at CAA in the champagne room. This is 2014 and people shouldn’t be squeamish about celebrating sex. They may however want to be squeamish about riding shimmering cocks in public because that’s gross behavior. Cyrus and her cronies may have been born under the wrong moon. The early 80′s offered a fairly uninhibited culture of sex and drugs which led to AIDS and Journey. This is kind of like that but without the spine. If you’re going to lick the ashes off the floor in a leather gay bar dungeon do it with some decorum.

The AIDS research group amfAR delivers the A-list celebrities for their balls around the world like no other charitable cause. You might last a short stint in the business as a Holocaust denier, but you hesitate to support The AIDS and you have signed your death notice.

The girls love showing off their tits at these The AIDS events. It’s kind of a dream scenario. You can flash your yabbos to tons of powerful men and none of them will try to cop a dirty feel. I once spent a week working with a team of gritty lesbians. I found it the most liberating experience ever. The chance to bitch about not getting pussy with other women was more than therapeutic. I don’t care how hard-up your buddy is, he’s got conversationally nothing on a butch dyke who hasn’t aggressively fisted a bored housewife in over six months.