As the tender to the Fire of the Goddess usually my posts revolve around the divine feminine, however this time I have decided to write about a God, Shiva. He has been dancing through my mind lately, as the god of creation and destruction, smeared with ashes, naked and wildly jubilant in the recent and continuous (sigh) destruction of ego.Last summer, during my impending separation from a thirteen year relationship, I went to the beach for several days to feel into the entire situation. The massive voice in my heart, the one that resounds knowingly in spite of what chaos may ensue boomed, "Let go...let go...let go..." and so those days on the beach, I came to clarity. It was time to let go and move on. Almost as soon as I made that decision, my camera fell into the sand and began acting strangely. It still worked, but it wouldn't zoom in and out and refused any manual settings. So I pretty much stopped taking pictures with it.
Many moons passed, waxing and waning as they do and I created so many ceremonies of letting go, clearing as well as stepping more firmly into my own inner growth of love, power and wisdom that follows a separation. I did one final massive fire ceremony and burned a great many papers of the past, old research, documents that had connected us in the past; it was time to let it all go. There were so many papers that the fire went on for hours, burning and clearing.
The following morning a few of my self marriage vows had escaped the flames and floated around the now huge pile of ashes. One that floated out over and over during the fire ceremony was "I vow to be patient with myself."
The next day, in the gorgeous light of the afternoon, I brought the ashes to the river of Kolekole which means 'to talk story' or 'raw, scarred.' Healing with the waters of Hawai'i is so precious. With the help of my friend we released the ashes into the waters, watching them swirl away. I happened to have brought my camera and, moments later, for the first time in 10 MONTHS, it started working! Suddenly, the zoom worked again, the manual settings worked and I could take photos.
I have always felt that our electronics, like everything in life truly have the mysterious capacity to reflect what is going on in our life. I have many stories of electronics acting in peculiar ways, responding to Reiki healing, or capturing light in unusual ways however these incidents, so markedly tied in with the ending of a relationship was an especially strong mirroring of my life situation, a pronounced time of letting go, clearing, releasing.
As I burned away the old over and over again this past year, burning my ego up in the flames of transformation, transmutation I recalled the incredible Indian story of the sage Durvasa who cursed the gods. In order to recover from the curse they had to churn the ocean of milk to recover the nectar of immortality. As the gods churned, first many beautiful things arose, including the wish fulfilling tree and divine goddesses. However, just as in our own life, when we churn seeking the divine bliss within, there also arose a nasty, disturbing substance called Halahala.
In an act of self-sacrifice, Shiva ingested the halahala and held it in his throat. The substance was so poisonous and toxic that it turned his throat blue and he is known as the blue throated one. As he held it there, he was able to transform the poison into mantra, the sacred song. Inspired by this act, I think of the own demons I face in my life as I seek to ever nourish myself with the inner nectar of true love, power and wisdom. As I churn through this process, a great many treasures are revealed, as well as very intense negative thoughts, emotions and feelings. Many of us can relate to this; that when we first start our spiritual practice, it seems so wonderful, peaceful and harmonious at first. Our teacher may even feel like a beloved, as we start to devote ourselves to the higher practices of compassion and wisdom. Inevitably, though the dark demons of anger, sorrow, rage, jealousy and fear come out of their dark corners, ready to be brought to the light and dissolved in the fierce radiance of Love. This is not easy! Just like Shiva, we can learn to take in that poison and transmute, but holding it in our throats, truly mastering right speech, right action, right thought requires immense will, effort and support.
As I work each and every day on bringing my own thoughts, speech and actions in alignment with truth, joy and a loving presence, I am inspired by Shiva's intensity and ability. We live in a toxic world, a world that is brimming with pollution, disease, poverty and sickness; a clear indication of a world out of balance. This sickness is a powerful reflection of our own mind states, a deep thirst for the true nectar of dharma and the clear radiant light of compassion. Each of us can choose over and over again to transform our negative, judgmental, angry selves into wise beings through the process of transmuting that poison into mantra. Transforming the old papers into ash; composting the decaying paradigm to turn it over into new earth.
Shiva has many different aspects. He is the first yogi, meditating for eons in the cave. He is the ascetic, the destroyer who is accompanied by demons, snakes and skulls spending time in the cremation grounds. When I burned away my documents, the pile of ash reminded me of Shiva, of all the times I have burned the old to make room for the new, burned to make offerings, and especially the intensity of the time when I had to cremate my own five day old daughter who mysteriously stopped breathing and passed away. All of life is transitory, impermanent and Shiva serves as a way to honor that intensity.
Shiva also comes in the form of Nataraja, the wildly dancing and creative aspect of the sacred masculine. He dances into our lives to remind us, that although all is impermanent it is a wellspring of creative, loving joyous existence too. In fact it is believe the powerful energy of Shiva's dance sustains the cosmos, moving shifting, changing dancing and creating. As my life continues to transform, I remember to use my body to dance, to hike through the woods, to create beauty anew from the ashes, to burn the old and release it into the river of life to be carried to fresh soil as compost, returning and returning again. Watching fire transform paper that was once wood into ash which becomes earth is a powerful way to recognize our inner transformation of the heart, to burn up the ego and negativity in the crucible of the fiery heart of compassion. This affects all areas of our life, our relationships, our work, our connection to the earth...and even our relationship to our electronics as well!

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Katalin Koda is a passionate explorer of earth stories, ancient myths and women's mysteries. Katalin is the founder of Fire of the Goddess Retreats and Ceremonies which celebrate the divine feminine and honor the gifts found inherent within women and the earth. She is an author, ceremonialist, visionary, poet, artist, and healer and has been practicing as a Reiki master, clairvoyant intuitive and Tarot reader for the last eighteen years. Using shamanic methods and ceremony she assists others in deep soul level healing. Find her at www.KatalinKoda.com and www.FireoftheGoddess.com.