When I was small I lived in a little apartment with my mother, father, and little sister, until I was ten and my parents divorced. My dad almost never slept in the same bed as my mother, usually opting for the couch instead, or just not coming home at night. I can't blame him for that... my mother was not a fun person to live with. He had been forced into marrying her when she got pregnant with me, and we still don't even know if I was really his child or not. My mother was very promiscuous.

I shared a bed with my little sister because of space restrictions. The apartment was tiny, but it was better than the one we had lived in before my sister was born, when I had to sleep in the bathtub or on the living room floor because there wasn't room for another bed.

Late at night, especially when my father was not home, my mother would take me out of bed and lead me down the hallway into her room and make me get into bed with her. The bed was always empty because my father never slept in it. These were the only times she was ever nice to me... the rest of the time she yelled and screamed and beat me. I had never bonded with her and I felt very little affection towards her, so it was scary and confusing to me when she was kind and loving... but of course, she was only kind and loving to me when she was sexually abusing me. She regularly sold me to strangers for money but that was more of an indirect abuse and she was never kind to me then, but at night sometimes she would take me into her bed or a closet or the bathroom and do things to me herself.

In these times she would be sweet to me and she would pet my hair and call me things like her "beautiful little boy" but none of it made me feel good or wanted. It confused me a lot. She would hold me close and touch me all over... and she would make me do things for her, like go down on her, and things like that. When I was old enough to be capable of it, she tried to make me have real sex with her, but it didn't always work out too well, because I didn't want to and I didn't find her attractive but she would take advantage of my hormones, once I got to that age. Thankfully I left her behind when I was 14 and moved in with my dad but I never forgot about any of that. Now whenever I see a woman naked or sexualized I can't help but think of my mother and it makes me feel ill.

That was not all of the abuse but it was the most shameful to me. It is common to hear of boys being abused by men but it's not so often you hear of mother-son incest except in a joking or not entirely negative light. Sometimes you hear of a teenager having sex with his mom when his hormones take over but in those stories it is usually willing on his part. It wasn't willing for me. I have told very few people in the world about this because I am so ashamed that it happened...

_________________________And one day we will dieAnd our ashes will flyFrom the aeroplane over the seaBut for now we are youngLet us lay in the sunAnd count every beautiful thing we can see

Sickpuppy. There is no reason to be ashamed. Think about it. She was the mother but she abdicated any right to that title with her abuse of you. You state that you are not sure of your biological father but there is no doubt she was you mother. She sold you and used you for her perverted ends. It was all about power and control. You were not at fault in any of it. You have to believe that. No matter how your body may have reacted. She used you plain and simple. What chance did you have. None. In a way i am glad that you have let it out. I think that you will find it is like lancing a boil or revealing a dirty secret. The act brings relief. Especially here brother where, while we cannot begin to understand how you feel about it (No one can understand how another feels) we do know what keeping the secret hidden can do to you. You see why I hope. We all have done it. Thank you for sharing and by sharing putting your trust in your brothers here. It means a lot to us and I am sure that we can help you heal just as you, by your honesty and trust can help us.

There is not a lot of literature on this out there but MS member Hani Miletski has written "Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo, An Overview of Findings." You can get this thru the MS bookstore at Amazon.com for about $10.

Sick Puppy, I can empathize with you what you've been through. My abuser though was my father; and he was/ is a sick twisted man! My father used to abuse me physically, mentally, and emotionally. He used to get pets, a dog or a cat, let me get attatched then he made me watch him slaughter it to "punish me". He used to tell me how stupid and queer I was ( one of my first memories is him back handing me and telling me that I was a queer; i was 3 1/2). He would molest me all in the name of "punishment". At times for drugs and money, he'd let men and women molest me. I am terrorfied of men; i only have one male friend.I am married and have an almost five year old son; I wish that my father would just die, but I know that he is still alive and I want nothing to do with him. The last time I talked to him, he asked me to go see a hypnotist and if the hypnotist LIED and said that he had done all those thingsthen he'd LIE too and say he did.I am horrified of men; i can have my "public" persona to deal with other men but if one gets chummy then I panic. I've been in therapy for 8 months now and Ive dealt with a lot of issues but I still have plenty to go! Be strong and brave; your a survivor. AptRick

Sick Puppy you ahve nothing to feel ashamed for. You where a child you did nothing wrong. She abused you and that is that. I was abused by my older baby sitter when I was around 10 or 11 some where during that time frame. In this world people cool you got laid by an older women. Your a stud fuck them. Being raped by a women is just as bad as being raped by a man. You survived you have nothing to feel ashamed at. You are a stronge my brother take care of your self.

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