Tax

Donald Trump may consider himself one of the wealthiest people in the world, even if he can’t prove it by revealing his tax returns, but his very deep pockets didn’t come into play at all when he went shopping for the perfect Valentine’s Day present for his wife Melania.

According to reports, Trump spent a whopping $65 million dollars on Melania’s V-Day gift – a wardrobe made entirely of rare animal furs and skins such as lions, tigers, and bears – and every cent of it came from the paychecks of tax payers.

“It’s an outrage that he would spend that kind of money period, let alone on a Valentine’s Day gift,” said Mario Jones, a steelworker in Iowa who is a registered Democrat. “I mean, I got my wife some roses and a box of candy like a normal person. Where the hell does he get off spending that kind of money…MY money…on his wife when all I can spend is $12 at a supermarket?”

“Frankly, I don’t care much one way or the other what he does with my money. We are building walls, buying clothes, whatever. It’s all perfect if Trump is the one doing it,” said supporter Carl Grove. “I voted Trump for all the decisions he’ll make to help this country, good or bad, he’s doing the right thing.”

Congress will be voting on new oil tax to help fund clean up costs, after the recent spill into the Gulf of Mexico.

Almost 90,000 gallons of crude oil gushed from a Shell oil facility into the Gulf of Mexico off the Louisiana coast on Thursday, leaving a 13- by 2-mile sheen of oil on the waves. Countless oil-choked fish and Cuban refugees are washing up on the shore.

Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy is sponsoring the bill, saying oil spills are bound to happen and everyone must chip in.

“It’s just the nature of doing business. The Gulf will be ruined within the next few years unless the clean-ups are subsidized. We can not expect pipelines and drilling equipment to be failproof. Leaks are bound to happen.”

Garbage is America’s biggest export, and soon taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill. New measures will include a garbage bag tax, as well as additional taxes on products that exceed a certain amount of packaging, which will be passed along to consumers who buy the products.

Economist Allon Ardon says this will damage the economy. “I’m very concerned about the economic impacts we will see as a result of this new tax. The American economy is based upon being able to throw things away with no second thoughts. People may actually start donating unwanted goods to charity or re-using trash. This could be disastrous.”

Hoarders will benefit from this bill, receiving a tax credit of up to $3,000, with documentation that they are collecting trash.

Ardon says, “They trash isn’t the problem. Exporting it is. We need to get create with managing our garbage.”

Hoarder Bill Willis says that he is now “extremely grateful” for all the junk he’s collected over the years.

“My tax guy says that next year I’ll get a big fat check thanks to all the shit I’ve had socked away all these years,” said Willis. “It’s really something else. I only wish my bitch ex-wife were still around to see me gloat. She told me that my stuff was worthless, we’ll screw you, Debbie!”

If you’re one of those people who likes to wait until the last possible minute to file your taxes each year, 2016 may be the hardest year for you yet. According to an official statement released by the IRS this morning, the tax deadline for filing – which has long been April 15th, has been pushed back to January 14th.

“Each year, people complain about the long wait times in receiving a refund, and it really backs us up,” said IRS spokesman Mike Rotunda. “We’re trying to pay out at the same time as we’re taking in millions of tax forms. We decided to move the date, because this way, everyone can get their money in a timely fashion.”

Rotunda says that each year, more and more people were waiting until the deadline date to file, but would still complain about delays in receiving refunds. With the date being moved to January, it gives everyone two weeks from the new year to file, which Rotunda says will help to get refunds into people’s hands months earlier.

“In the previous model, if you filed on, say, April 1st, you wouldn’t get your money until sometime in May, usually,” said Rotunda. “Now that everyone will be forced to file by January 14th, you’ll get your money by February, and that’s a win-win.”

Rotunda says that despite the claims of quicker payouts, 2016 will be a “trial year,” and that many people may not get their refunds until July or August, while the agency “works out the kinks.”

A bill that would tax granulated sugar and all sugary foods is expected to be signed by President Barack Obama next week, after The House gave final congressional approval on Wednesday to a bill that would tax sugar on a per-gram basis.

“Sugar abuse is linked to several health problems such as obesity, diabetes, and other various diseases. This tax on sugar would go straight into funding all medical research – not just those common ailments – but all medical research,” House speaker John Boehner said.

The sugar tax bill is expected to triple the cost of foods high in unnatural amounts of fructose such as carbonated beverages, candies, frozen novelties, and over 700 other foods and drinks.

“The proposed bill is a good thing. We expect it to cut back on the unnecessary consumption of all junk foods, therefore, gradually making Americans who abuse these foods and drinks healthier,” said Tom Harkin, the democratic senator from Iowa, who also serves as the chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health Education, Labor & Pensions. “For those who are willing to pay the extra price, they will be helping the cause by funding research for a vast array of medical endeavors.”

While many agree this could be a good thing, it seems most Americans seem to be opposed to the tax. In a poll taken by Empire News, 1,500 citizens throughout the United States were asked the question, “Do you agree or disagree with the proposed “Sugar Tax” bill?” An overwhelming 67% said they disagree with the bill, 23% said they approved, while the remaining 10 % declared they were undecided on or unfamiliar with the matter.

In an interview with North Carolina Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, she said the stats that were compiled proved that the American people are unable to make reasonable decisions on their own that would benefit their overall health.

“It is incredibly alarming how American people have complete disregard for their health,” said Foxx. “Look, I love cherry pie, candy bars, and fruity mixed drinks as much as the next person, but I also know that abusing these things is really bad for me. So many things we do are horrible for our bodies. Take drinking, for example. Americans need to try drinking their booze straight more often. I have found that straight bourbon on ice is actually very refreshing, cut out the sugary, fruity crutches when you can. Drink it straight,” she said.

Mary Jane Jenkins of Noblesville, Indiana disagrees with the bill, saying it’s ‘the worst decision’ that the government has made in ages.

“Look, I’m a f—-ing American voter and taxpayer. I should be able to use my food stamp card on anything I want, but with this stupid ‘sugar tax’ there is no way I will be able to buy my kids a box of Snickers bars. They say the price will almost triple. That’s absurd. It was bad enough when New York was in the news over their soda tax a few years ago, but this is crossing a major line. What’s next? Are they gonna tax their damn video games, too? This is our lives. Let us live and die at our own damn pace, fulfilling our own damn desires,” said an infuriated Jenkins.

President Obama, as a vocal supporter of the bill, is expected to sign it into law next Thursday morning.

Recent technological reports have heralded the end of an era. There are no more payphones or dial tones, and slowly but surely, elderly landline subscribers have died off or finally learned to text. Don’t throw away your old cordless phone yet, though! Because of a hefty new “Bee Tax,” landlines may soon be making a comeback. This new environmental “protection tax” will be approximately $25 dollars per line added to your current monthly cell phone bill. It is expected to make its appearance on all U.S. cell phone carriers, after the 911 Surcharge and Federal Excise Tax, by 2015.

Since the introduction of cellphones, the bee population has been on a well-documented decline. While humans can not perceive cell phone signals, communication between mobile phones and cell towers confuses bees, causing them to become disoriented. Unable to function normally, colonies of honey bees are steadily collapsing. Since honey-bees are crucial in pollination, this presents a huge problem. For some time now the USDA has denied any correlation between cell phones and bee colony collapse, but it has reached a point where farmers are seeing an impact nationwide.

“It has become clear that cell-phone use needs to be limited.” Said Peter Mayer, a representative for the USDA. “Cell phone rates will go up, but we need to encourage more landline usage. Aren’t you sick of that whole ‘can you hear me now’ stuff anyway?”

While landline phone stock has steadily declined on Wall Street, financial experts are now predicting a surge in value. Among other companies, Verizon, Fairpoint Communications, and even MagicJack and Vonage stocks have both gone up in demand. Roy Chestnut, chief financial officer of Verizon, reportedly has plans in motion to buy back some territory that was sold off to smaller companies in preparation of customer switching back to landline phones.

The “Bee-Tax” regulation is rapidly making its way through the senate and house, and inside sources say President Obama is not expected to veto the bill. Environmentally concerned democrats and fiscally tight republicans both support the measure.

“Hey, I’m for it. It will encourage competition and create jobs – and most importantly, it’ll help America’s backbone, the farmer.” Said Republican senate leader Mitch McConnel of Kentucky. “Nothing is more important to America and the future of this country than the farming industry.”

When questioned about those people that would not be able to afford cell phone service if taxed an extra $25 per line, McConnel did not seem concerned.

“These welfare folk and the like can just spend less money on getting their nails done, crack, and cable TV, and then they can come up with [the money]. Or they can share a landline – which was a luxury in my day and age. We definitely aren’t going to be able to fund government subsidized programs like food stamps if the honey bees done-die-out now, are we?”