over the weekend, i sat down with my newly-acquired copy of rampage. for those of you who don’t know, let’s break it down. this comes to us via [barf]wikipedia[/barf]:

Rampage World Tour is a video game released in 1997 and is the second game in the Rampage series.

Up to three simultaneous players control the monsters George (a King Kong-like gorilla), Lizzy (a Godzilla-like dinosaur), or Ralph (a giant werewolf), created from humans who were mutated by experiments conducted at Scumlabs. They need to destroy all buildings in a high-rise city to advance to the next city. On their way they can destroy helicopters, tanks, taxis, police cars, boats, and trolleys, as well as eat people.

The monsters can jump and climb buildings, and attack enemies and buildings with punches. Some buildings also take damage when jumped on.

The player receives damage from enemy bullets, grenades, shells, etc., or from falls. Damage can be recovered by eating the right food, such as fruit, roast chicken, or soldiers. If a monster takes too much damage, it reverts back into a naked human and starts walking off the screen sideways covering themselves with their hands. If the player continues, the human will mutate back into the monster with a full life bar.

see? i mean, it is just a total blast. this game came out when i was 13 and we were in love. forget internet 4, dolly, notorious b.i.g [or d.e.a.d, depending how you look at it], titanic, and other cultural relics, this game was – and is – the shit.

my parents were ridiculously strict, but in spite of this, i still got to play this game a lot. i was very good at it, and either just myself or the team of myself and little_nerdxo beat the game on many occasions.

fast forward a few years, from 1997 to 2010. i sat down and prepared to beat bitches into submission! however, it was a lot tougher than i imagined. the soldiers, the cops, other army officials – i mean, it was just crazy. i was out of live and the game was over 10 levels in!

i have always thought that the wiimote was the most awkward controller in the history of man. this is closely followed by the xbox 360 controller. however, after reading an article over at gamernode.com, it turns out i was wrong.

fuuuck. i have been playing a couple of retro games lately, and oh my fucking god there are TWO characters in NES world that are the bane of my existence.

toad and that fucking duck hunt dog.

'it isn't pc to refer to me as 'retarded' but i totally am! let's hear a 'fuck yeah'!'

let’s examine toad. this little shit stain continuously and smugly informs mario that ‘the princess is in another castle’. after about the eight time i hear that, i’m ready to just tell princess whateverthefuckhernameis that i’m fed up with her tricks and her mind games and that if it’s all the same to her, i will just sit this one out. i mean, toad is always running up and being all-knowing and such. therefore, i can logically assume that he knows where she is and i can do more important things like get the authorities on this shit, since there’s something not cool going down somewhere. forcible confinement, kidnapping, i don’t know exactly what the fuck is going on but you have my word that something will be done.

it’s not just there he makes an appearance. he shows up in many mario games, like mario kart for n64. seriously? how the fuck can this little bitch see over the steering wheel? let’s not even get into the physics portion: he small and thus faster; giving him an edge over the other racers.

not only that but he is a mushroom. a mushroom! how does mario know he’s even REAL? going through sewer pipes all day, every day has GOT to do something to your brain after a while. to be honest, my inclination here is to chalk it up to a hallucination. however, it is actually real and i am just simply not down with that.

uh oh i fuckee uppy

the duck hunt dog is even worse. this useless and incompetent hunting dog cannot be shot, no matter how hard i try.

i want you all to know i tried. i love dogs. love them, albeit in an appropriate way. in fact, in general i am an animal lover, but he’s just not cutting it. i need those ducks fetched, and since i shot them, it’s only fair he goes and retrieves them.

this is food we are going to eat because it has come to this. should i be expected to do everything? hell no.

then, of course, are the rare and bittersweet moments where this johnny fuckface achieves the goal he is meant to do. rejoice, players! dog has retrieved ONE duck out of god knows how many i shot at. does he expect a marching band? apparently. there seems to be a lot of celebration, most of it obviously unwarranted.

man. little_nerdxo has really dorked out lately. maybe i told you, maybe i didn’t, but she went and bought a wii a few weeks ago and has been married to it ever since. she celebrated her birthday recently, and i got her a gift. before that though, i was in a world of confusion.

i call myself a ‘gamer’. recently, i am fairly sure i fell in the category of ‘hardcore gamer’. i don’t schedule games with online friends, but i am pretty hardcore as i play quite a few hours during the week. ps3? love it. xbox 360? respect it. for both of those systems, i get the appeal. i know what’s good on the ps3. i even know, more or less, what’s good in xbox 360.

on the retro side, i have almost every console made in the last 25 years, including most of nintendo’s efforts during the years: the n64, the classic NES, etc. i get this gaming shit. you know?

for the wii? no way in hell. totally stumped on that shit. don’t get the appeal to people under 50 (old people crap themselves for this kind of stuff though). what does fascinate me though is how clever nintendo was about this. you can get good games for cheap – good for students and kids. there’s almost nothing violent on the wii – great for parents. the wii fit can go with it – perfect for parents again, as well as older adults. all in all, it’s the perfect casual gaming console.

and then come the accessories. i wound up getting little_nerdxo a sports pack, which she loves. but there are so many wii accessories it’s almost ridiculous.

off the top of my head, here’s a quick list:

wii boxing gloves

a wii cooking set

wii steering wheel

wii golf club

wii baseball bat

wii steering wheel

wii fishing rod

wii zelda sword

wii star wars jedi sword

and i mean the list just goes on and on, into infinity. well done, nintendo.

interesting post from the crew over at gamerlimit.com. there’s an article called ‘the top 5 gaming oddities that will blow your mind‘. it details some angles you probably never thought of whilst playing away. i don’t know about any of you, but i can sure see the koala in the n64. sure beats jesus on toast, that’s for sure.

pretty true, this gamer habit list from thisismyjoystick.com. when i used to play duke nukem, i’d be in a building and be designing levels in my head. anyway, here’s the list. as always, if you have any comments yourself, feel free to add them in here.