Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• As of 7:45 a.m., Eastern Standard Time, on this, the seventh day of the eighth month of the 2,010th A.D. year, Albert Haynesworth has finally passed Mike Shanahan's rigorous conditioning test. [Washington Post]

• "Isiah Thomas, the worst sports executive in Madison Square Garden history, is back on the payroll as a 'consultant.' In a time of runaway unemployment, Thomas not only gets to keep his job as basketball coach at Florida International - where he was 7-25 last season - but gets to draw a check from his old boss as well." It's like Willis Reed all over again. [NY Daily News]

• Michael Phelps got secondhand smoked last night. See what I did there? He finished second in a race and a little while back, some kid with a camera, oh, forget it. [LA Times]

• "NFL referees will take on more responsibility this season to protect players from helmet-first hits to their heads and necks. The league has expanded its rules to prevent 'defenseless' players from taking shots above their shoulders." Awaiting reaction from Twitroy Polamalu. [AP]

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• The University of Miami is being investigated by the NCAA for recruiting-related text messages by coaches in various sports — including football, women's track and possibly baseball, three sources told [The Miami Herald]. Tennessee, too. [Yahoo].

• Darren Daulton's the kind of guy who goes on trips with talking lizards. Just like the rest of us. He's also the kind of guy who joined the Phillies Wall of Fame. Just like Steven Carlton, who goes on trips talking about bankers in Switzerland. Circle of life. [Philly.com]

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Hickey's Weekend Guarantee: No dong pictures unless someone can produce a legitimate, autographed print of David Eckstein playing a game of "Compare and Contrast" with Dikembe Mutombo. What? You'd look. Everybody would look.