It’s a busy week for the cabinet, what with high-speed rail, boundary changes and sending troops to Mali to steal the limelight from the French

Cameron: Have you seen the latest IMF report, Ozzy?

Osborne: Don’t bother me now, Cams.

Cameron: It’s saying we have totally screwed up and need to come up with something other than austerity to have a chance of saving the economy.

Osborne: And I’m saying: I’m busy working on something much more important right now.

Cameron: What?

Osborne: HS2. I’m trying to make sure the link to Manchester airport doesn’t go through any of the affluent areas of my constituency … Hmm. That should do it. What do you think?

Cameron: Well, it’s a bit of a detour …

Osborne: Go on! It will only cost an extra £600m.

Cameron: All right. No one will notice.

Clegg: Daddy! I’ve just seen something terrifying on CBeebies. Lots of people are shouting and firing guns in Timbuktu.

Hague: Don’t be silly, boy. There’s no such place. Timbuktu is a fictional city invented by Rudyard Kipling.

Cameron: No, there is a real Timbuktu.

Hague: Where?

Cameron: Mali.

Hague: You’re not helping …

Cameron: And I’m planning to send some of our troops there.

Philip Hammond: Why on earth would we want to do that?

Cameron: Well, it’s quite sunny and the French seem to have done awfully well there in a short space of time and we don’t want to let them get all the credit.

Hammond: But, if you don’t mind me saying, my lord, I announced a further 5,000 redundancies in the armed forces last week and the little people may begin to ask how our soldiers can be in so many places at once.

Cameron: Details, details … That was so last week. Everyone will have forgotten about them by now. Besides, I’ve promised the Froggies I’ll help and I’m counting on them to bail me out of the hole I’ve dug for myself over the EU.

Bozza: Now, now chaps. I’m sick and tired of everyone saying how many problems we’ve got. It’s time to let folk know how wonderful Britain is.

Osborne: What do you suggest?

Bozza: We could start by telling everyone about the delicious dinner you and I had with Rupert Murdoch the other night.

Cameron: Damn! The Cleggster can’t even get his turkeys to vote for Christmas over the boundary changes.