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Monday, May 25, 2009

the other evening our little boy (2.5years) fell asleep early, on the lounge in theplay room with the big ones watching a film. DH carried him out to lounge room,and placed him on the matteress that he is currently sleeping on. He said to me,"he is so peaceful" and was misty eyed. He then said to me - I never noticedbefore now... he was just asleep for me. I know you "see" these things all thetime.."

I really hadn't realised just how much DH had been missing out on.

He went outside for a little while, and came back in, and said to me "i'mbecoming a sad old man" to which I replied, no, your not.. your just feelingthings that you have never felt before...

He gets overwhelmed with the tirade of feelings that he has begun to feel. Thismorning he was speaking to his Uncle in the UK. His family over there have beenincredibly worried about him. When he got off the phone he was crying. This fromthe man who doesn't cry. Since March, and more since April, when he started theDex, he has experienced more emotions then he has in a long time - if ever.

It is strange for me, seeing this person that I have been so used to beingemotionless - or angry, to show other emotions. I used to call him the tinman,because he had no heart...

And it opens up a whole other discourse... how much of my relationship with himhas been "real" and how much has been a lie...

and then there is this..

Anyone want to volunteer to write a dictionary that translates what I am tryingto say into a language that pwADHD can understand, and vice versa????

Sometimes.. make that a lot of the time, I speak, and obviously the words thatare coming out of my mouth are in a foriegn language for my pwADHD.

I really think that at the moment that is what most of our problem is - theinability to communicate effectively. Because I'm so tired and frustrated at mylife - and wanting desperately a partner, not another child, I lack thepatience, and desire to have to communicate with this ADULT standing in front ofme like he is a child... or someone who speaks an entirely different language tothe one I thought we were both speaking.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I just realised that it has been nearly a month since I last blogged. and so much has happened. I have been incredibly busy with uni, trying desperately to catch up with all the backlog of work that has happened becuase the world tipped upside down. slowly getting through it, and looking forward to a three week break at the end of May. Hopefully next term will not be as chaotic...

Things are settling down. DH is on medication for the ADHD, and after some tweaking, he seems to be on the appropriate dose. He has changed doctors, to someone who actually has ADHD herself, and that has been major. He will have better continuity of care, which is important both for the ADHD and his back.

The last month has not been with out its fair share of ups and downs... but the last week has been far more up then it has been in a long time. I went back to my doctor and changed medication, and that has helped to get the PTSS and anxiety under better control. I'm still feeling hypervigelent and hyper startled...but that will take a little while to settle. DH has done lots of random acts of kindness recently... which is totally out of character for him. He would say out of character for the old DH. It takes me by surprise, and I know that my response sometimes hurts him, but as I explained to him, I'm not used to this DH... and I can't help like I am waiting for the old one to rear his ugly head. Which now that he is medicated he actually gets! that would have to be the biggest improvement. Insight. He finally has some. He can see that how he behaved affected us all as a family, and individually, and feels a great sadness over it, which fuels him to do better, improve.

I'm still desperately wanting time out. away from everyone and everything. because I'm exhausted. Its like, now that things are settling down for DH, I am falling apart....but I am taking care of me in the best way I know how. lots of self care, and mediatating, reading books that feed my soul. and sleeping.

I guess its a journey. and while I'm still living day to day, at least the days are nicer to live in.