Do Indonesian Authorities Hate The Male Member?

Indonesian authorities crack down on male-enhancement and Balinese gigolos.

Things are coming off the rails in Indonesia and the male member is largely to blame.

First off, per Reuters, policemen or prospective policemen should prepare for unemployment if they've had (to use advertising parlance) that "special" part enlarged. The official line is that an over-sized phallus will be a "hindrance during training." An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," and if so, sorry donkey dong, you're dunzo. Read: Jonah Falcon: Biggest Penis Ever?

There are clearly a few holes in this tale. First, how much of this training is done in the nude? I'm guessing less than 10 percent. Second, what about naturally large men? Wouldn't their thunder be just as likely to trigger a landmine? Third, does "male-enhancement" really work? If so, when are these "gatal-gatal" leaves ("itchy tree" leaves that men wrap around their members to make them swell) going to be made available to the rest of the world and at what price point? Quit bogarting the juice, Indonesia. Fourth, what even constitutes a large front-loader? Surely, 5 inches...I mean a smidge under 5 inches is adequate, right? I mean, it's not the size, right? Surely, the motion of the ocean is equally, if not more important, than the size of the boat, right? Finally, what are macho, three-legged men to do without opportunities in law-enforcement and the armed forces? Something involving a bowtie and no shirt, I'm sure. Read: Does Size Matter? And Other Sex Myths

Unfortunately, the Indonesian government is cracking down on professional lady-pleasing (dammit, this is too important to leave to the amateurs). According to Reuters, the authorities in the resort island Bali were quite red-faced when the trailer for a film called Cowboys In Paradise was aired. The so-called Kuta Cowboys (named after Kuta Beach and the Voight film Midnight Cowboy, one would guess) are buff, good-looking young fellas (sometimes banned from the police force, if you know what I mean), who provide companionship and human blankets for visiting women in exchange for small gifts and the periodic remember me reach-around. Read: Older, White Gals Are Kenya's Newest Sex Tourists

Police, clearly smarting at having it common knowledge that they're working with medium to small genitalia, rounded up 28 of these presumably packin' Balinese gigolos. The cops claim that the detentions were merely routine and in no way a backlash to the film. Director Amit Virmani was not so sure.

In summary, it would appear the Indonesian authorities are haters and looking to make life uncomfortable for the kind of men who could possibly do a better job pleasing their wives. Or maybe they don't want guys dumb enough to rub allergens on their reproductive organs and also feel semi-prostitution is in bad taste.

So, um, what is adequate and when will some poor guys have these leaves made available to them?