Of late,
I have noticed some of my friends on Facebook who have encountered serious
opposition to their decisions to pursue gentle parenting. Often it is an older
relative. It can be a father or an uncle, but it can also be a mother or
another female relative or sometimes an older brother or sister.

This
situation makes for some difficult circumstances and causes lots of pain. However, it does not have to
and here is where it really gets hard.

It
gets hard because of one thing that we all have to realize and accept. This
concerns the following.

It
is not nice to say it this way or think about it, but the simple fact is that
your loved one who you grew up with, who you have prayed for, who has been
someone so close to you and even someone who is a major part of your life MAY
NEVER EVER COME CLOSE TO WHAT YOU KNOW IS THE TRUTH DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART!

The
sooner that we realize that they may NEVER GET IT, the closer we are going to
be to accepting this fact and realizing that it is really time for us to move
on.

Our
tendency is to keep praying, keep talking, keep holding on, keep hoping, keep
advocating for our positions, to keep trying to convince that dear soul to see
it our way. However, you can pray, argue, beg, hope, convince or whatever, but
it may be that that person IS NEVER COMING AROUND!

There are some
things in life that no matter what you do,

no matter how much you fast or pray,things may not
change.

This is one of the
hardest things to accept as a believer, but the sooner that we realize it, the
better off we are going to be.

We have to remind
ourselves that Jesus spoke about people who did not have "eyes to
see" or "ears to hear" (Matthew 13).

For reasons only
known in the mind of God, it may just be that you may at some point need to
step back and acknowledge that this could be the circumstance you may be in
with your loved ones.

As hard as it may
be, there may come a time, when you will simply have to stand your ground and
lovingly say: Enough is enough.

Now, when, according
to Scripture is that time? I can give you my own opinion, but it strikes me
that we need to look to God's Word for counsel if we ever find ourselves in a
disagreement over a spiritual matter. I think that we will find in God's Word a
suggested approach, which is Biblical and will keep us on the right track
spiritually.

God's people have
encountered disagreement and opposition when they were teaching the truth

One of the things
that I think we should expect in our lives is a bit of opposition from time to
time, but how we react and deal with it is up to us and hopefully the Holy
Spirit guides us.

Obviously, whatever
we do, we want it to be motivated by love, but depending on the circumstances, and
we might have to separate ourselves from someone if the situation merits it.

I think that
sometimes this is the exact approach we need to follow and I think we have a
good Scriptural precedence for this. Note the example of St. Paul and what he
did when he encountered opposition to his message of sharing the Gospel. Note
the first section Acts 19:

"And it happened that while Apollos
was at Corinth, Paul passed through the inland country and came to
Ephesus. There he found some disciples. 2 And he said to them, “Did
you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” And they said, “No, we
have not even heard that there is a Holy Spirit.” 3 And he said, “Into what
then were you baptized?” They said, “Into John's baptism.” 4 And Paul said, "John
baptized with the baptism of repentance, telling the people to believe in
the one who was to come after him, that is, Jesus.” 5 On hearing this, they were
baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. 6 And when Paul had laid his
hands on them, the Holy Spirit came on them, and they began speaking in
tongues and prophesying. 7 There were about twelve men in
all. 8 And he entered the
synagogue and for three months spoke boldly, reasoning and persuading them about
the kingdom of God. 9 But when some became stubborn and continued in unbelief,
speaking evil of the Way before the congregation, he withdrew from them
and took the disciples with him, reasoning daily in the hall of Tyrannus. 10 This continued for two
years, so that all the residents of Asia heard the word of the Lord, both
Jews and Greeks." (Acts 19:1-10 ESV)

Now, in this text, we see that
Paul was a patient man. He waited for three months. But then what happened?
Some people who were not going to be convinced began to start "speaking
evil of the Way before the congregation". This was Paul's signal to
separate himself.

I think that in this text,
there is some important Biblical teaching if we can just see it and it concerns
not only those who embrace gentle parenting (which is our subject here), but
also other issues.

If you have embraced a teaching
which you believe the Lord is guiding you into and He is leading you, if you
encounter a situation where even a loved one speaks evil about that which you
know is truth, here is where I think you have to think about separating
yourself from that person for a time.

I am not talking about cutting
that person off, but I am saying that now, you have to turn your attention
elsewhere by God's advice as they have stepped over a boundary and said that
what you are thinking, feeling, believing or trying to share with others is
evil. This is the signal I believe that tells you to go elsewhere.

Now, if you get this opposition
from someone in your family, it might be time to do a bit of mapping in your
own family to see who shares that persons view and who might be open to your
ideas.

A good example in this regard
comes from my friends Julie. Here is what she said and I will quote from her
testimony from another post on my blog. Here we see exactly what she did and
what were the results she achieved from her action. She separated
herself and waited things out and look what happened!

"It concerns the fact that some parents of these mothers
"who have embraced non-violent parenting are now starting to change their
views! This is an exciting development and I hope to have more to say about
this in the near future as I collect more information. But not the following.
Recently, I have received these two testimonies. Let us look at them in a
before and after. The first one is from Julie and she posted the following on
my blog:

Before:

I just wanted you to know that I am one whose mind was changed
after reading your book on corporal punishment. I know that it was a process
for me to get to the point where I would even read it...but the Lord used
"secular" books on child training to begin to open my eyes. When I
had my first I was given every Ezzo, Pearl, Bradley, Fugate book available by
well meaning relatives .. including my mom (who didn't read the books herself).
My first child had severe reflux and was a terribly fussy baby. 10 years later
he has been diagnosed with a severe learning disability that has to do with
auditory processing. So much of his inability to "listen and learn"
had nothing to do with defiance and everything to do with his disability. I
hate the fact that for the first couple of years of his life, I felt like if we
were just consistent with spanking that he would learn. Thankfully, God gave me
enough common sense to not do any of the extreme spanking but I still feel
horrible about the spankings he did receive. I feel like a burden was lifted
after reading your book. I had stopped spanking before that but always somehow
felt like I was "disobeying His Word" by doing so. Your book gave me
a newfound freedom and I want to shout it from the mountain tops. Unfortunately,
I have many relatives and cousins who were deeply into the Gothard movement and
are now part of Vision forum. So the conversations are not easy. Even the
conversation with my own parents has been difficult. I think they are afraid
that my 4 very well behaved children are going to go bad because of it. My dad
has agreed to read your book. It will be interesting to discuss it with him
after. We were spanked as children but I only remember a few my entire
childhood. My youngest sister was spanked once. I'm not sure why my mom gave me
all the Pearl books. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you. (Note that this is
unedited)

Now, this message was posted in 2011. Now let's look at what Julie
just sent me by email a week or so ago!

AFTER

"I know it was a few years ago that we decided to quit
spanking and we are still reaping the benefits! I am also proud that my little
sister who has a 2yr old and an 8 month old has also chosen gentle parenting
because of my choice. My parents have been very impressed with the outcomes and
seem to be embracing our viewpoint and have been nothing but supportive.
Woohoo!" (Email dated March 1 2014)

Now, this change is dramatic. The witness that Julie is providing
to her family is changing her whole families view of corporal punishment/spanking/smacking."
- http://samuelmartin.blogspot.co.il/2014/03/anecdotal-evidence-showing-that-impact.html

This is such an instructive post. Julie stepped back from those
who were not listening and who were in fact a barrier, but note that she did
not stop her advocacy for her point of view. Like opening up a new line of
communication in the School of Tyranus, Julie instead started talking to her
little sister who was open to her ideas.

In addition, note also what happened. The barriers for Julie have
started to come down. Why? Because of Julie's witness, her persistence and
because her family have been able to see the fruit of Julie's decision to go
with gentle parenting.

As the old saying goes, "the proof is in the pudding"
and I guess if even the most obstinate parent gets to see the fruit of your
gentle parenting work in your children and gets to compare those to some kids
they can also observe who are spanked, guess what is going to happen?

I think we all need to be willing to take a longer-term view. If
we take a longer time frame perspective of years we might see the result we are
looking for in the longer term and might see that blocker person actually come
around in the future.

Final thoughts

I recently was assisted by a friend (Dara) who made some memes
which I started to post on my page. One meme can be found on this link. Check
it out.

Now, this status got 49 shares. When I looked at the statistics,
it was very interesting. This post about 148 interactions and 95% of those were
from women aged 25-44 (75 clicks from women aged 25-34 - 42 clicks from women
aged 35-44 - the remaining from others).

I think this is instructive and can give some encouragement. If
you are looking to share your beliefs on gentle parenting, I say consider this
information as potentially instructive because in my experience these moms in
particular are the most open to new ideas on gentle parenting.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

I saw an exchange of late that I wanted to share with you and to post on my
blog with two hopes in mind.

First, what you are about to read is a post purely from the heart of a dear Christian
mother of six small children. It is a post which shares deeply personal
feelings, painful feelings.

When you read this, you realize how powerful a control this issue of
spanking has over the relationship that this dear sister has with her family.

I mean some parents and family members are ready to let this issue totally
control and dictate what kind of a relationship they are going to have with
their own child or their own sister. How terribly awful this is. This is
clearly not the type of relationship that our Lord wishes us to have.

But sadly, this is the situation that so many mothers (in particular) face
from their families when they listen to the Holy Spirit, who leads them through
the Scriptures to find Gentle Parenting and in the process they find that still
small voice inside them which has whispered all along to them:

"Don't hit the child you love."

There is a second hope that I have in posting this real life testimony. It
is my sincere hope that someone in reading it will find a mustard seed of
faith, a spiritual anchor, a safe harbor, a shelter from the storm, to hear and
listen to their own inner voice and start searching the Scriptures to learn the
same thing this dear Christian sister has learned.

What she has learned is that she is ready and willing, no matter how painful
it is, to not pass along to the next generation, the fruit of a very special
love that God blessed between her and her husband, who chose to entrust them
with helping Him bring six children up in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord.

This post also has immense beauty, the beauty of witness and of
demonstrating to her niece the truth of God. Her witness will probably end
family violence for her niece when she grows up and becomes a mother. Because
of her courage and investment now, the return will be a reduction in family
violence in her own family for the future generation through her niece.

Know for an absolute certainty that this dear sister is not looking
backwards, but she is standing fast in the liberty where with Christ has made
her free (Galatians 5:1) and is in spite of immense personal pain still no
matter what trying to minister the love of Christ to her family. No matter
what, she is still reaching out and just wants to be friends with her family
the same way she is friends with her God and with her own family:

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his
friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you." (John 15:13-14
NASB)

Her post begins below:

My family gossips behind my back.

What I mean precisely is they take truth and twist it to attack by adding
nonsense and misunderstanding. Because they don't want to understand!

I know the fact that I parent a traumatized girl and all the therapy that
she needs doesn't intuitively make sense. I know my kids are put under a
microscope and they are not perfect and that's not because they aren't spanked.
It is clear my parents tell them things and rip me apart without my knowing or
permission, or complete explanation. So, I have unfriended and blocked her [her
sister].

She hates me, doesn't like me, and wishes ill of me and my kids. I need a
safe boundary.

My brother unfriended me 2 years ago because of the spanking issue.

He never calls or emails. I cried so hard on the phone telling him he was
hurting me and he says he loves me but I said if he didn't stay up on what was
happening in my life then I didn't feel loved.

So I texted my niece and she says she doesn't say anything and I asked her
to continue that. And she says she loves me and appreciates my parenting
because she sees how awesome my kids are.

She thinks they are all jealous because of the issues they have with their
kids and they each have just one or two children. That caused some happy tears.

But the interchange with my dad has gone very badly.

I have kindly requested he not speak of me to my brother or sister and to
put a stop to any gossip immediately or walk away. I mean it is really bad and
they are using them for info to rip me apart and keep their hate induced
excitement roaring.

My dad hates controversy. He wants everyone to get along and agree to
disagree. I said I couldn't do that. I said I have to live knowing children I
loved are hurt and it pains me and i will speak against it because it is
outright wrong!

He came back telling me they loved me and we need to come together. I said I
thought they hated me. That I am confused by his love, because I told him when
he spanked me I didn't feel love, but to this day to my face he says it was
right.

That it seems his goal is/was for me to not feel loved.

And then I mentioned I was thankful my mom apologized for spanking me.

She said shortly after she had her stroke that a verse God revealed to her
that she was wrong and was sorry. She unfortunately can't remember that verse!

But my dad continues to say he has no shame in spanking me, and I need to
stop attacking his Christianity.

He is upset now and wants to end it. I just responded that that comment
continues to hurt me.

Then asked him to tell me when my brother and sister were coming on Sunday
so I can come when they are not there.

I have a present for my mom.

I have spent the evening kind of hiding in different rooms crying.

The kids get too worked up when I am upset. But this is really bad!!!

POST ENDS

Final comment: There is a lot of pain in this post. In particular if you are
a new parent, please read this carefully before you think about spanking your
child. Is this the type of relationship you wish to have with your child in the
future? Is this the pain that you wish to pass on to the next generation or is
there another way?

The answer of the Lord through the witness of this dear sister and mother of
six is a resounding:

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About Me

Samuel Martin was born in England and is the youngest child of Dr. Ernest L. and Helen R. Martin, who are both Americans. He lived in the UK for the first 7 years of his life before moving to the USA with his family at age 7. He lived in the USA until 2001 when he married a native Israeli and relocated to live in Jerusalem. He and his wife, Sonia, have 2 daughters.
His experience with biblical scholarship began at an early age. His father initiated a program in conjunction with Hebrew Univ. and Prof. Benjamin Mazar, where over a 5 year period, some 450 college students came to work on an archaeological excavation in Jerusalem starting in 1969. Since that first trip, Samuel has visited Israel on 14 different occasions living more than 5 years of his life in the country. He has toured all areas of Israel as well as worked in several archaeological excavations.
Today, he has begun his academic career publishing 2 books dealing with biblical issues.
I write regularly on biblical subjects with a particular interest in children, families, nature, science and the Bible,and gender in the Biblical context.