Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Father-in-law's acts of kindness go awry

Our Man in LA is proud to bring you another entry from one of our favorite guest bloggers, namely Our Father-in-law in Carolina, Harold Glazer. Like the Larry David of the Southeast, Harold spends a good deal of his time getting reamed for doing something that - in its conception - seemed like a nice idea. You'll see what I mean when you read this entry, which he has titled:

"Random Acts of Kindness - Bullshit."

In reading this, we at Our Man in LA ask you, the reader, to imagine that every word is being spoken in a deep Brooklyn accent with just a tinge of Carolina southern accent. Trust me on this one. You'll enjoy it more.

Take it away, Harold.

"In our neighborhood it is not rare for the children to leave various objects all over the place. Often, we have to pick up soccer balls, hockey sticks, helmets, etc. from our front yard. So it did not seem out of place to have a school book bag on our front sidewalk. This book bag just remained there for a few days with no one claiming it. Finally, with an impending rain approaching, I brought the bag into the house to find its owner.

After going thru three loose leaf books, a few text books etc. I came across the student’s name. The child was not from our neighborhood. I called some of our neighbors to see if anyone recognized this student. No luck. I called information to try to contact the student via the telephone. No luck.

The next morning on the way to work I planned on bringing the books to our local high school. Driving into the school complex, it was obvious that the only place I could park my car was about a half mile away. In a flash, I made a critical decision – park in the no parking area in front of the entrance – put on my flashers – bring the books into the main lobby – leave them with the security guard – get back to my car and leave. The whole process should take about 12.875 seconds.

As I approached the main doors, alarms started to ring. A rush of thousands of students was heading my way. Think of Yankee Stadium being evacuated and you trying to go past the mob. As I was being forced to retreat, I noticed a teacher and asked what is going on. She informed me that they were in the early stages of a fire drill. I told her about finding the books – she thanked me - took the books – and I returned to my car.

Try to picture me sitting in my car with no where to go - hundreds, if not thousands of students all around. I was in it for the long haul. I turned off the engine, lit a smoke and watched all that was going on until I heard a knock on the roof of my car. Startled, I look up to see one of Raleigh’s finest.

The conversation went something like this…………..Raleigh’s Finest – “Do you know how to read?”Harold “Yes”Raleigh’s Finest – “What does that sign say?”Harold “What sign?” (there was a sarcastic tone to my voice)Raleigh’s Finest – “The no parking sign”Harold “I was just trying to …………..”Raleigh’s Finest - “And the smoke free campus sign”Harold “I was just trying to……………”

The parking ticket was $25.00 and I have to sign some bull shit paper about about acknowledging the “No Smoking Campus.”

Random Acts of Kindness – My Ass"

For Our Man in LA's money, one of the most amazing parts of this story is how quickly Raleigh's finest arrived on the scene to do mortal combat with someone who was double parked and smoking on campus. Whew. All of Our Man in LA's readers in the Research Triangle area should breathe a deep sigh of relief knowing that there's a strong police presence out there looking to protect your urchins from the dangers of someone smoking in their car.

Meanwhile, I wonder how many murderers and armed robbers that cop has caught lately.

The police were probably there to observe the fire drill. Your father-in-law just did the right thing at the wrong time. Sorry about the fine, but I applaud his intention and discourage any bitterness that might impede his inclination to do the right thing sometime in the near future. Hang in there, Harold!