Thoughts that just need to get out

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Monthly Archives: June 2014

Another year passes, another Father’s day. A day to honour our fathers. A day to tell them how much we love them, something I know I rarely say. Ever since elementary school, he’s always been the “hero” I would write about. I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure I’ve gushed about him in a blog post before. I just admire him so much. So this father’s day, I did an extra special something. He’s loved my cards from before. He got angry one year because my aunt wanted to throw out the “garbage” Father’s day card I made him in grade 2 when I was in grade 7 or so. He made me love making cards for people, knowing that it could mean so much. I guess that’s what started my love for making cards for people. Cards that were out of the ordinary. Anyways, this year I combined three songs together, changed some lyrics, and sang it to him, playing my own piano accompaniment. He cried. I used to be able to say that I’ve never seen him cry, but really, the only times I’ve seen him cry is when he was really hurt, when my grandma passed away, and when he watches emotional videos where there’s touching scenes with kids and their parents. I guess he misses his parents. I mean, I probably would be a wreck and cry a lot more. But I’m nothing to compare with…being a girl and a crybaby. I mean, I cried watching How to Train Your Dragon! Anyways, I’m glad it touched him and that it made him proud to call me his daughter. I did it in front of other people during his fellowship, and apparently a lot of people found it touching and was tearing up too. It was successful I guess! (I did not intend to make people cry…I don’t mean successful in that way, just to clarify) He was surprised I was there as I had told him I wasn’t going and ended up bussing there by myself. And he got even more surprised when I began playing piano. And even more so when I began singing in mandarin to songs that I had written parts of my own lyrics to. He just deserves it. All this and so much more. I just want to give him the world you know? For all that he’s gone through, for all that he’s done. He’s amazing and am I ever so proud to call him my daddy.

Recently, I’ve realized that little things bother me a lot more than big things. It’s so much easier getting over huge challenges compared to the little bothersome things. I guess it’s easier to accept(?). But at the same time the little things all have such significance and huge stories behind them. Just like how paper cuts can hurt so much more than a bad scrape, especially when you run it under water. Probably because we expect the pain from the more obvious hurt on our body whereas a tiny paper cut has our pain levels non-subdued. At the same time, the little light in a dark room can illuminate the whole room up.

Most of this began around the time of my birthday (great timing I know). So not only was it an uneventful birthday with no birthday celebration this year and no reminder to my friends on Facebook since I had left it deactivated, it was a very thought provoking week I would say. When I went over to my aunt’s house to meet my cousin who had a present to give me, the first thing my aunt said was “Oh, so NOW you remember you have an aunt??” First of all, I do rarely go over with my mom and brother, and it is because of a dislike for how she treats my mom. Most of the time I’m just too tired to put on an act and fake smile and I definitely do not want to be rude in front of her so I just don’t go. What irked me was that I value family so much but I wasn’t doing a very good job of showing it. I could easily forget and forgive a friend but not a relative. I guess it’s harder to forgive those who hurt people closest to you.

Second, when my mom had stopped using the safe at this storage place, she told me about this ring that she would give me when I was 18 as a purity ring and showed it to me. It was big on me back then. It had my name inscribed on the inside and I was looking forward to getting it. But that day never came. I don’t know if she forgot or if she feels like I don’t need or deserve it or whatever but I’m already 20 and she hasn’t given it to me yet. It’s sort of sad in a way?

Also, my two best friends that I mentioned in my letter to 30 year old me forgot my birthday. I guess for some people it’s harder to remember birthdays without that Facebook reminder or they are too busy and preoccupied to remember, but it still hurt. I thought that of all my friends, they would be the ones to remember. Instead, other friends that I didn’t think would remember, did in fact, remember. There are those few people who made my birthday memorable despite not having much celebration. This got me thinking about how much people remember about others. Their birthday, their likes and dislikes, their personalities. It also got me wondering about what is important and who is important.

On the brighter side, I finally got to prove that it’s possible to shake the Koala’s march into a ball! It had bothered me so I went to get one to try for myself. I don’t like grey. I like to find out whether things are true or not. Whether things are possible or not. And I’ll do all that I can do to find out. I also got my mom to admit that she was wrong and that it was indeed possible to do it and that the video I showed her was not fake. Not that everything we read or watch is true, but sometimes we just need to believe and trust that not everyone is trying to lie to us.

And last but not least, I stayed up with my brother a few days ago like I frequently did to accompany him while he was studying, and it was well worth it. I was able to have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him about my horrible day. I also told him why I always stayed up with him while he was doing homework even if I had nothing to do. I think it surprised him a bit. He didn’t know that I was doing that because that’s what my dad would do for me when I used to stay up. But my dad seems to have gotten a lot older since and being on call is pretty stressful so I’ve taken up that role instead. We were also able to talk about our brother sister relationship and I feel like he understands me more after that talk. He knows I’m trying and that I’m not that good of a sister most of the time but I’m trying. He knows that I don’t have an example of a good older sister to follow and I guess he’s willing to go on this road with me to learn and discover how to be better siblings. And surprisingly, all my friends say that my relationship with my brother is closer than their relationship with their siblings! I’m really glad to have such a mature and understanding brother that I can talk to like this.

All the little things can be discarded as little things or added up into big things. It’s up to how we interpret it. We can blow every little thing up or we can accept them and remind ourselves to look at the bigger picture, learn from it, and move on. It’s tough living with so many little things irking the poor brain, trust me.