Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.One young chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord."

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the young Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord…"

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it."

The young bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing............"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

I used to work at a grocery store, and a women came in asking for tampax. I thought she said thumbtacks and asked her "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the one that you nail in with a hammer?"

_________________One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others.

I used to work at a grocery store, and a women came in asking for tampax. I thought she said thumbtacks and asked her "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the one that you nail in with a hammer?"

When I worked at a pharkmacy, a Scotsman came in and asked how much to buy a condom. I said "50 cents plus tax" and he said "Never mind the tacks. I'll just use a wee bit o' string."

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

When I worked at a pharkmacy, a Scotsman came in and asked how much to buy a condom. I said "50 cents plus tax" and he said "Never mind the tacks. I'll just use a wee bit o' string."

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve strings in here." So the string goes outside, ruffles up his appearance, and ties himself into a bow. The string goes back into the bar, and the bartender says "Hey! Didn't I tell you that we don't serve strings here?!?" The string says "I'm a frayed knot."

_________________One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others.

In his last year as pResident,pResident George Bush was visiting a primary school.One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked if the pResident if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tradgedy.Little Jimmy stood up and offered,"If my best friend,who lives on a farm,is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,that would be a tragedy."No," said Bush,"that would be an accident."Little Susy raised her hand: "If a school bus carring 50 children drove over a cliff,killing everyone inside,that would be a tragedy.""I'm afraid not." explained the pResident."That's what we would call a great loss."The room went silent.No other children volunteered.Bush searched the room."Isn't there someone who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally at the back or the room little Johnny raises his hand.In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs.Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,that would be a tragedy.""Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "Thats right.And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well,"says little Johnny,"it has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Airbus have just announced thier latest aeroplane is so advanced it can be flown by one pilot and a dog, the pilot is there to feed the dog, the dog is there to bite the pilot if he touches anything........

Well, it just so happens to have originated through George Washington around the time he was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. An hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You got ‘a be shittin’ me.'

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

13. A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then he checked his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' I thought that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go to them anymore.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number will climb.

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

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