Percy Dovetonsils began with a pair of
novelty glasses from a novelty store in Philadelphia, purchased by Andy
McKay. McKay was Ernie's production assistant, ensemble player,
prop man, etc etc etc. Ernie drew the lines on the fake eyeballs
in the glasses to give him that half-awake look, and fashioned Percy's
persona after Ted Malone, who read poetry on a program called Between
the Bookends. Thus, Percy's lilting, lisping sign-off was always
"I'll see you just outside the bookends".

Percy was
part of the stable of Kovacs characters from the early days in
Philadelphia in 1951 all the way to the end. In the fall of 1961
Kovacs recorded an album for Vanguard called "Perthy Dovetonthils
Thpeakth", which was never released. A few poems from it are on
the Columbia LP "The Ernie Kovacs Record", which was released in the
late 1970s. The original master tapes for the album, consisting
of 16 tracks, survives. So do the original Percy Dovetonsils
glasses that Andy McKay bought during the run of Three To Get Ready on
WPTZ.

Oh,
hail to thee, tiny insect so small,Swimming
around
in
my
bourbon
highball.Back-stroking,
breast-stroking,
movement
of
wing,Now up
on the ice cube, poor cold little thing.

If you
stay there too long, you'll find with remorse,Your
ankles will numb and your buzz will get hoarse.Catching
cold
is
unpleasant
for
all little flies,Bloodshot
is
gruesome
for
multiprism
eyes.

Some
people hate flies, take my old Cousin Sam,He gets
in a snit when you sit in his jam.I've
seen sister Sally turn red as a beetWhen
you walk on her nose with your six sticky feet.

When
you walk on the ceiling, your brow seems to frown,Does
blood go to your head, when you stand upside down?My
optometrist friend, a dear boy named Rex,Makes
bifocals for flies - he calls them fly specs.

Now
you're coughing because you are so full of trouble,Or is
it the bourbon that's making you bubble?You
should get off the ice, the temperature's minus,You'll
get frost in your navel and a wee touch of sinus.

I'M SO
SICK OF DIETING

I'm so
sick of dietingI
really feel bombastic.There's
candy without sugar,Rolls
without butter,and
lard that's made of plastic.

It's
the lowering of calories I've really grown to hatethey're
so low now they're shoved in under the plate.Oh
Suzette's were made for crepe-ingand ice
cream is to be caked.Hawaii
is great for vacation,but
Alaska was made to be baked.

AUTUMN

Oh Adam
and Eve wore fig leaves,In the
earliest of earth's known yearsThey
wore them through Spring and through Summer,Labeling
them
his
and
hers.They
caught dreadful colds though, soon after,At
least historians so recall.The fig
leaves were swell in the summer,But
what happened to those leaves in the fall ?

MONA
LISA

Mona
Lisa you always smileLike
Heather up on the heath.How
come you never laugh out loud,Could
be you have bad teeth?

THE MOON

The
moon is full of cratersIt has
some mountains too,But
because there are no people,No one
goes to the Zoo.

COWBOY

O
cowboy so lean, O
cowboy so tall,You sit
there straight as an arrow.But
side-saddle you ride, instead
of astride.Are you
perhaps a gay ranchero?

O'
SOMETIMES I WISH I WERE A DOG

O'
sometimes I wish I were a dog,A Boxer
or Cocker SpanielOr
perhaps a German Spitz,Or
maybe a Chihuahua named Manuel.I met a
girl named DobermanAn
without a doubt it's cinch, herFigure's
the
greatest
I've
ever
seenNow I
wish I were a Doberman Pinch-her.

ODE
FROM A GERM'S-EYE VIEWPOINT

As a
germ I'm smaller than the flea.For I
can see you,But you
can't see me.My
mother is in pictures,You've
seen her on the screen.She
gave chicken pox to Allan LaddAnd
mumps to Bobby Breen.But my
sister is at Vassar,At
sports she's really a dream.Last
week they made her captainOf the
Streptococci-team.

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY TO A BOOKWORM

Oh hail
to thee thou streamlined fellow,You go
through my books likeA fork
goes through Jell-O.When I
open a book andLook
back at the binding,Little
crumbs from your lunchAlways
I'm finding.

I saw
you first, so trim and so spruce,As you
gummed a few pages out of my mother goose.You
browsed though my shelves, In your eye was a twinkle,As you
ate the first chapter of old Rip Van Winkle.The
next time I saw you I was so miffed.You ate
off the ending of inventor Tom SwiftYou
made little bites so round and so tidy,All
over the back of my copy of Heidi.

And
then you reached manhood, I recall with some painWhen
you first bit your way into Mickey Spillane.You ate
chapter 1 and then began rushing,On
chapter 13 I noticed you blushing.As the
years pass on by you continue to munch,You
were big enough then to eat Ivanhoe for lunch.Then
you ate Lawrence of Arabia, I heard your loud sigh,As you
lay gasping for water - the book was so dry.

Today
is your birthday, may you live good and long,So the
night will be filled with your nibbling song.Now you
can eat my presents from the back to the frontFor
today I've enrolled you in the "Book of the Month."

LESLIE
THE MEAN ANIMAL TRAINER

Leslie
worked in a circushe
worked in a great big cage.He
smacked the lionsand
beat the bearsand put
them all in a rage.He
kicked the lions with iron sneakersand
rolled up army cots.He put
cleaning fluid on all the leopardsand
sneered when they lost their spots.But a
chimpanzee got even with him...Leslie
got killed by some smells,when he
stuck his head the lion's mouth

Ted Malone
read poetry on radio for many years, starting in the early 1930s, on a
program called "Between the Bookends". Supposedly Malone was an
inspiration for Percy, although aside from the reading of poetry and
Ernie's paraphrasing of Malone's program name in Percy's sign-off
("I'll see you just outside the bookends"), there is little else
resembling Ted Malone. Listen to Ted
recite "Why the Chimes Rang" and see for yourself. The Percy
persona and silliness most probably can be traced to Ernie's sense
of humor...and those glasses Andy McKay found at a 5 and 10 in Philly.