Just or Unjust/Script

WKTT ANNOUNCER: WKTT. Because the battle for America... begins here. WKTT 1066. We Know The Truth!

(Dramatic music starts to play)

ANNOUNCER: Justice is a game. Just like the game of Chicken. You've gotta go full steam ahead, and hope the other person runs out of energy or money first. It takes money to play the game right, and get out on top.

JUDGE GRADY: In this court, it's a world where good deeds go undone. Morality is severly punished, and random luck can destroy your life. I'm Judge Grady, and this is Just or Unjust.

(Intense rock music starts to play)

ANNOUNCER: The excitement of a court show...

WOMAN #1: He kicked me in the stomach, Your Honor!

ANNOUNCER: The injustice of an American courtroom...

JUDGE GRADY: I think the wetlands are overprotected anyway. I fine you a million dollars for wasting the court's time! (gavel bangs) You activist scum!

ANNOUNCER: The tension of a desperate network television show...

MAN: I don't care what your definition of sodomize is! I'm gonna show you mine!

(Audience applauds)

ANNOUNCER: All packed together, with the incredible excitement of a game show...

JUDGE GRADY: Do you love money? Do you? DO YOU?

WOMAN #2:(sobbing) Yes?

JUDGE GRADY: Well then, unbutton that blouse!

(Audience cheers)

ANNOUNCER: This is Just or Unjust. Real plaintiffs and defendants in a radio court of law.

LAURIE: Judge Grady, my name is Laurie Williams-Jones. I've been married to my husband Chuck for two years, and all he does is play that wizard online game, Lootenwank. He plays until two in the morning sometimes! (audience gasps) When he comes to bed, he's all grabbing my ass and treating me like a troll, screaming "Too damage! Too damage! Check that ass in the air, troll, I'm about to get agro!" (audience moans) Can you help me, Judge? I love my husband but I am not an avatar.

JUDGE GRADY: Look. You are an avatar, let's get that straight. We all are, and the sooner people understand that, the better. The reason that your husband is in there looting, and wanking, and slinging his wizard junk around is 'cause you got fat and stopped being sexy. (audience gasps in shock, minimal applause) I wouldn't even bang ya, and I've done a lot of trolls in my time. Look at yourself, girl. Do something positive for yourself! Get some plastic surgery! (audience yeahs) Chuck, what've you got to say for yourself?

CHUCK: My name is Chuck Williams-Jones. I think my wife is possessed by Satan! She hasn't refilled the ice tray, she hates my parents, she stopped giving me head! She spends all my money, and thinks she's doing me a massive fucking favor sending out Christmas cards! I mean come on! Give me a break, they just raised postage again! Ain't nobody giving a shit about a Christmas card! (audience groans) Even the ones with a picture of your fucking dog. I don't need to see a picture of your fucking dog in a Santa hat, Goddamn you! (audience cheers) Can you help my wife see what's up?

JUDGE GRADY: Hmmm... Interesting. And the court notices that you have a hyphenated last name (audience moans) Williams hyphen Jones. Was that her idea?

CHUCK: Yes it was, your honor. (audience boos) I was born Chuck Williams. I went along with it 'cause that's only fair, ya know? I mean, I totally understand that comes from a time when women were considered property. Women were defective and misbegotten, but I don't own her! I would like to own a human being someday. I mean like having a young, nubile Filipino boy (audience gasps) and could sit in my tropical hut and uh, play games and the side who does what by playing hands-free catch the quarter.

JUDGE GRADY: What? Look what's happened to you! Why you got a hyphen name? Why you gonna be half a man? She took away you manhood, she masculated you good and proper. You got some bitch's name on half your shit! Do you pee sitting down?

CHUCK: Ummm..... (audience moans)

JUDGE GRADY: DO YOU PEE SITTING DOWN?!

CHUCK: Well, we're equal partners and it's not fair that she has took the toilet up so I don't really mind...

JUDGE GRADY: Equal partners? You gonna give a woman's last name? I's surprised that you haven't started growing tits. For the love of all that is holy in the world...

CHUCK:You know the deal judge, I have to agree. I'll never get laid again.

LAURIE: We have an equal household, your honor. (audience boos) Equal. Equality. He wears tampons whenever I do so that we may both experience the same burden when I'm on my flow.

JUDGE GRADY: Equality? Give me back my vault woman! Lemme guess who's at work and busting his ass all day. Lemme guess who makes the most money. I know, It's Chuck! It's the men! (audience claps and whistles) You know who's making the most money throughout history, the men! Who have been the great leaders, men! Maybe you have Cleopatra but, Egyptians live in triangles, tetrahedrons and shit. A triangle is not manly!(audience claps) Who fought the best wars, men! Who make the best murderers, men! Who invented the plague, men! We got it all, bitch! We run this show, and I don't give a fuck who knows it! So what if he wants to come home and spend time online with his guild and pleasure elves runnin round with his orgy friends? Lead it!

LAURIE: Well, family and our children are the most important. (audience boos) Our children depend on us. We should be protecting and cottaling our children, never letting them out of our sight, keeping the electric tabs on them at all times, making them paranoid and narotic. It's our duty. Children are our future.

JUDGE GRADY: The future? Where's you jetpack, boy?

CHUCK: I don't have one, your honor.

JUDGE GRADY: That's right, because technology is a lie sent by liberals to kill us. A part from weapons-technology in which we use to kill other people. Ther is no future! And you, woman, you disgust me with your liberal ideas! You ever had a three way?

LAURIE: No, your honor, I haven't! That's revolting

JUDGE GRADY: No, It is not. What's disgusting is the way you get yourself a dog and the dog gets puberty and you realize the dog's undercarriage is really big, or when you watch a nature show and see two elephants mating, or when you vomit bit your mouth and have to swallow it. (audience moans)

LAURIE: This is insulting! This is a court of law! All you've given me is a lot of dog penis and woman hating! What is wrong with you Judge Grady?

JUDGE GRADY: I'm a judge. What exactly did you expect? This isn't a courtroom, it's a studio! And I'm here not to only administer justice, just also get ratings. Listen to me, I'm a judge! I wore a black dress, aren't I? Do you have any idea what I'm doing up on this bench while I'm looking down at you? Ooh! I'm gonna have to retire to my quarters and think about this!

(gavel is banged)

ANNOUNCER: While Judge Grady is back in his chambers making his decisions, let's talk to a few people in the courtroom audience. Madam, what do you think? Who is in the right here?

AUDIENCE#1: I can really emphasize with Laurie.Guys can only care about women and revealing medieval clothing take it off the back door

ANNOUNCER: And what about you sir?

AUDIENCE#2 Uh, I really like the part when they talk about elephants doing it.

(Music is being played)ANNOUNCER: We'll be back after this on Just or Unjust.

WKTT ANNOUNCER: WKTT 1066. Because the liberal media wants to give your country to an illegal immigrant... (bang) WKTT. We Know The Truth!

(Audience chanting and music being played) We're back on Just or Unjust.