An Atheist’s Confession

It is the Christmas season. Not just because the stores are playing the music or because I got the xmas lights up last weekend. Christmas is now a daily topic of conversation around our house. At least ten times a day the phrase “I can’t wait for Christmas” is uttered around our house and sometimes it is said by the kids.

I love Christmas. I am always the first up on Christmas morning – I take after my dad and my late Poppa in this regard. I love thinking about what to get people and then watching them open their gifts. I also love the gathering of the clans that comes with Christmas. My Christmas is an entirely secular affair and has nothing to do with Jesus.

Over the past few years we have had conversations with the girls, primarily driven by their questions, about this Jesus fellow and why people celebrate Christmas to mark his birth. We are not church goers so education about religion happens around the dinner table. I always make sure to talk about different religions and the reasons for various celebrations and holy days throughout the year. I want my kids to understand the different perspectives people have and how different faiths can inform those perspectives.

Earlier this week we were having anther one of these conversations about Christmas and why people celebrate and my oldest daughter said something along the lines of “that’s because we are Christians…” I can’t remember the rest of the sentence. I remember that part because it set off bells in my head. I am not a Christian and have never identified as such. Whenever we are talking about anything related to religion I talk about what people from different faiths believe. I have never talked about my own faith or lack thereof. I want them to make their own choices about what they believe when it comes to religion and spirituality.

I am what some might refer to as a faithless heathen. I am an atheist. I don’t talk about it with others because I what I believe is personal to me, just like everyone else. I don’t judge what other people choose to believe or try to convince them that what I believe is the right thing to believe – unless of course someone tries to convert me to their way of thinking, in which case I will set about deconstructing their arguments. I used to live around the corner from a Kingdom Hall so I had several opportunities to practice with Jehovah’s Witnesses who came to my house to convert me.

Faith and spirituality is one of those very few things that my wife and I don’t discuss. We don’t subscribe to the same belief systems and we leave it at that. As I said, we are not church goers. That said I have no objection to the idea of my kids going to religious services or subscribing to a particular religion. I do however object to being labelled as a member of a faith community myself. It is a misrepresentation of who I am and what I believe. It is not that I take offence to being called Christian. It is just that it is not accurate. I also object to being referred to as a doctor because that is also not true.

There is no reason why my daughter would know that is a issue for me because I have never discussed my own stance on religion with her. I know many people would argue that it is a parental responsibility to teach children about our respective faiths and values. I teach the girls about my values all the time, mostly through what I do and say. I don’t talk with them about my faith because I don’t have one. I teach them that there is no one true answer when it comes to religion or life. I want them to find their own path and the one that works for them . If that path includes religion that is their choice. If they choose not to believe in any spiritual beings, that is also their choice.

It is however now time for me to have a conversation with them about what I believe. That means first a conversation with Laura about how we address our different perspectives. The whole thing actually causes more anxiety for me than any conversation about sexuality. I prefer the organic conversation we have been having with the girls at the dinner table about religions. Now though it is time for a more direct conversation because I don’t want them thinking I believe something that I don’t. I want to be transparent and I want them to understand my perspective so that they know where I am coming from when we talk about religion. I am probably over-thinking this and how they will respond…

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Comments

My wife and I have discussed this at large, but we’re lucky our daughter isn’t old enough yet to need to have that conversation. My wife is still identifying as a Christian, but feels isolated from the community (long story), and I consider myself something more vague agnostic/post-theist Christian. My daughter goes to church with my mother-in-law, and sometimes comes home saying things that I know she was taught, but make me twitchy. Right now, I’m letting it go, because I don’t to force my beliefs on her in response. The biggest thing for my wife and I is to be clear on what we believe, and understand how that impacts our daily lives – and we will have that conversation to discuss church/religious history, why the language is the way it is, and what it all means to us – and give our daughter the chance to make her own choice.

As someone who knows you and respects you I see this a very good post for this time of year. I am a Christian, I do go to church and Jesus is the Reason for my Season. As a Christian I believe that God and Christ will come to believers in His way and time so that they will believe. The same would be true for your children. It is absolutely necessary for your children to understand (age appropriate of course) where both their parents stand on religion. Believers or not it will just make life easier for all of you.

I too, do not talk about what I believe with others. But that is because I don’t know what I believe. The idea of an afterlife is so reassuring, but I am not sure it exists. As a caucasian, middle-class woman who lives in North America, I have a privileged life. It seems arrogant to hope for heaven (I deserve even MORE, even BETTER?!) after I die.

You may enjoy author and comedian (and atheist) Julia Sweeney’s blog. I never particularly liked her skits on “Saturday Night Live” but her personal essays and blog posts are straightforward and bring me a lot of comfort. Check out http://www.juliasweeney.com if you are interested.

I think you’re doing the right thing Chris. Talking with Laura about how you both can share your different perspectives is definitely the right way and you are wise in being honest with your girls while not overwhelming them. While I may wish for my children to share my Judeo-Christian worldview, I realize that they need to come to their own conclusion about faith and whatever that forms into as they go through adolescence into adulthood. As a parent, we need to be honest with what our views may be and let them know that whatever they choose, they are loved and respected. Thanks for blogging about this particularly tricky subject!
Greg