Monday, 29 October 2012

I didn't even ask. I did make a decision though. To ask you out. I made it yesterday. On the way home after MXPS IRY84 IBG0 IA, when you went with U04- I wondered if you had slept with him and it hurt because you have no obligation to me and are free to do what you want, sleep with who you want. I then realised i am a little attached and I care for you more than i thought i did.

so that's why I made that decision yesterday. I'm annoyed because I wanted to present a case that wouldn't feel like i was addressing a problem. I feel like we really get on. Texting, and emails and long talks. the only thing that would changes is that there'd be more of it. And exclusivity. That's how you'd look at it mathematically. I've felt that you've dealt with a lot of people that have been all talk so I've been trying to show you I care through actions but sometimes talking is an action. Sometimes saying something can be the biggest, hardest thing in the world to do, if you mean it. I don't know whether to stop writing now or not. I don't want to pour what i feel, how i feel, into an email. I really don't but the last two times i saw you i pussied out of saying what i feel. So maybe I'm not ready either. I just want to be there. and to hold your hand and stuff. but I can't so just know I'll be here. heeyyyy.

Also, please don't palm any of this off on me just moving on and wanting to be with someone and you're the first. It's not that. It's you. I really like you. I feel like i can talk to you about anything and every time you're in an audience i give it my all and it comes natural. You give the best Seanface. It makes me melt.

That's why i wanted to see you today. I don't want to look at you and feel like I can't talk to you. We never talked about us until at our most drunk. there is no us though. but that's good.

It'll be easier for us to be friends if we were as friendly to each other as we are to IE6TBFO and UEBH (I really don't think i send IE6TBFO or UEBH around three emails a day)- don't you think that would be easier? I think it would.

your dad...he sounds like a very cool cat. i think he would have got on well with my uncle. two very down dudes with lots of talent but naughty habits. so that is where the coolness comes from dude! its like inheriting a certain colour hair or something. the cool vibes you know, the smart way with words. you must be really proud to have a pops like that. how groovy.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

and then when i came back everything was just worse, well i sort of forgot to eat you know? and then every day a little more bone would come and then it wasnt me anymore it was the skin all taut and stretched over lots and lots of bone. and i sort of felt like i was fading away somewhere else and i'd better get rid of the hair too in case that was too heavy now...argh. i guess it was bad. but i didnt know how bad. so when i got here, you know, and the parents saw me. well they got all upset and now things are better and the bones are going away, slowly. i'm still very thin. but at least im eating now. but the hair is gone and i miss it. because its bare bare bareness nothing to put in front and say "look at me i've got lovely long blonde hair!" now its just me. but you say i look like desire and that is better than anything because he/she rocks hard hard hard and that is awesome. so i am happy. thanks man. *hug*

lumberjack jackets. we should probably get some so we can match. it might be a good look.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

thank you, you have no idea how many times thank you. i needed that more than oh god i dunno i needed that. i want to say so many things, i mean gosh man...

if you want something to work, you've got to put your love into it right?

i'm trying.

i've been reading your notes on facebook. you're writing, what you write-what you just wrote to me. argh i cant see my eyes are too full of tears. sean i wish i could hug you right now, i cant say anything more, i've got so much more to say, will say. i think as soon as you lost your comics i knew we were two people cut from the same dog eared cloth. and i'm sorry i was too much of a lame person to acknowledge it.

it's dark now and the street lamps are on in washington. i can see the monuments from outside this window. i feel so far from where i want to be, but hearing from you-all the letters/words/ you just gave to me, i feel almost like myself again. sean, dude, i wish i could express how much happier you have just made me feel. argh i feel like my head is full of cotton.

see i know you know, because you know right? just to know you know,,, ah man that's enough to make me smile.

ok let's make a deal, if i had a knife or some sort of cool thing-you know we'd make it a blood brother deal....

i promise. i promise-i will be here for you. whenever, whatever, because i get it, and you get it.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Ann has her eyes closed dancing to "It's got to be real" by Cheryl Lynn in an overtly sexualised manner with the brides father. He touches her bum . He's eighty six.
Her eyes open and pan to the corner of the Marquee where all napkin origami swans have been crumpled. No one's sat there. Sophie pulls her arms to carry on dancing.

She twirls to find Jeremy, not moving, with his coat on and hers in his arm.
They both stand still. He looks at her. Her face is lowered at the coat. They're both silent.

Grabs the coat, storms through the dance floor, straight to

Sitting in the cab looking at the door.
Tapping at the window.
Tapping at the window.
Tapping at the window.
The door opens. He strolls to the car, apologises to the cab driver.

They look out their windows.

About half an hour in It's got to be real by Cheryl Lynn plays on the radio and she starts crying.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

The train stops like slides with socksFifty percent of Londoners don’t know how to stopthe other half don’t know how to startI move with all I’ve got but don’t move with enoughI don’t read enough booksI don’t breathe enoughI’m too hard on myselfand lacklustre dream chasersIt’s London.All we have to do ismake it happen.for two years I haven’t had agood enough reasonto be leavingconstantly harassing mewhile making it clear thatshe doesn’t need meWe’ve concluded from recent reports thatseven out of ten londoners wear ipodsto ignore whatever street workers sell usas soon as she walked inall the noise of my head was deafened.

at Nineteen.I met an American who was in love withthe city i lived in,and proceeded to show mea side of the cityI never knew existedmy world had expandedbeyond cricklewoodand west hampsteaddid you knowone in three of all east london menhave handlebar moustaches?and half of them talk out their arses.His name was Johna,He talked often about the house boat he lived intrips to india, said words like "eloquent"played clash songs on the ukelelehad a perfectly trimmed stubbleand chatted up girls while calling them babeI put my head downas if he was talking that shit in a year roomand if i looked like I’m his frienda portion of chips, beans and cheesewould also be thrown at my headbut no school dinners camenot even beatshe talked wankand got off free-in some waysyou could sayhe inspired me.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Quarter to twelve and it's tea number four.
Maybe I should just vent my thoughts.
See if where I am is a place others have been before.
Not sure if I can last as long as my mates
I don't read much nor am I one for wordplay
how long can I really put a broken heart on display
I was nineteen when she said I'd be great one day.
One day you'll really be something special.
Back then I didn't know what to say,
Far as I was concerned, I was already great
But the American didn't need rumours to go her own way
Now I'm with those who chain smoke listening to the chain.
Given up most reaches for fame because it's embarrassing watching it chased
No, please do not ask me to retweet every product you make
nothing sadder than a former star refusing the request to fade away.
With that said, ladies and gentlemen, singer songwriter for queen, Brian May!
She said I'd be great one day. That's all I need. One day.
A day when I can look at my face from outside of myself
Clean my flat, answer my emails, figure little things out
remove each thought from my head and place them back
like tetris bricks and throw away the ones that don't fit.
instead I'm tangled with the parts of me I can't lose
each one taken a loss I've tried to remove myself from.
But if I can get that one day all those regrets will be gone.
Find a new beginning in a kiss like that night i was reborn.
Maybe that one day came and it's time to move on.
I've got to keep on talking, my head is too crowded
and I can't keep my thoughts in.
Englishmen don't suffer from depression
before suffering from repression
Too much pride to put your hand up in lesson
where I come from you can't afford to be wrong
Chairs sooner flung before you admit trouble with the sum
When it's all you've got lets see how valuable pride is to you
some jobs you just can't work
as you're still waiting to be given what you feel is deserved
weird position to be in wen you've got so much to prove
but can't afford to lose and it's like life's closed off all routes
so you stay in your room and play video games all day
wondering what the fuck it is you can do- Zombie blues
just slip away. Just let is slip away. One day you'll escape.
All we've got is mates that hate others success
and you laugh with them but in your head you know
it'd be so much better if they were all dead
because you're tired of having to pretend you're happy with them
after all these years of doing nothing all you want to do is start again.

Friday, 19 October 2012

If I was her when I met me I'd handle that nineteen year old with care.
I'd keep in contact as much as possible, I'd try to take him to new places
Meet my friends, show him his talents. I wouldn't want to alienate him
when drinking and pretending to fit in while he watches me be different.
Different to how I was when we first met. I'd want him to remind me of who I was.
I'd want him to inspire me as much I hopefully do him. And when I read beautiful words.
Words about me. Seeing me in a light I don't believe I deserve to be in.
I'll tell him how beautiful each one is while walking that tightrope thin line
between telling him how special he is while not leading him on.
I'd spend more alone time with him, trusting that, although he loves me,
He respects the fact that I don't feel the same way- that I'm too self obsessed
and focused on success to give anyone any spare space in my head.
I wouldn't kiss him, I'd probably come close by accident
but wouldn't give into my weakness. It'd be too much for him.
We'd talk about music, I'd give him the names of bands that'll change his life like they did mine.
He could do whatever he wanted with my name, put it on social networking sites
give me a new one. I'd smile at thunderbolt. I'd tell him I loved him and
regret it because I didn't mean it like that I I
I wouldn't leave him alone so suddenly. I wouldn't cut him off
in such a way that'd have him scarred for the rest of my life. His life.
and have pictures of my new dude on facebook. I
wouldn't ignore him for the sake of another man's insecurity.

I'd want to love him the way he loves me. I'd really want to.
But I wouldn't be able to. I'm twenty something and too far gone.
Pretending to be a grown up and impressing peers that don't have half my heart
and I'd make sure you know that no one has have half your talent.
You're really fucking special. You need to know that I love you in a way
that hurts me too because I know the love I have for you isn't the one you want
and anything other than what you want is seen as a rejection but it's not.
I'd like to see you and be open again. For you to see what's within
I'm too broken right now for kisses for anyone I want to know forever though.
I want to know you for forever though.

If i was her I'd still want to know him. I'd want to keep in check.
See if he's ready to be friends yet.