Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I will be all the happier to escape, in a couple week's time, the ever present cloud that is Eeyore... living with him is draining me and I haven't much left to drain. I always feel that I have done something wrong, or hurtful somehow. Intellectually I know that is not the case, this person is simply enduring a lot of pain due to other sources right now- and certainly the dissolving of our relationship, though mutual, hurts as well. Even if it is less than real because we still share space, a bed, and food...

The problem here is that I am extremely empathic, and something of an emotional barometer. I developed this as a kid to stay safe from a volitile and explosive man. What worked then to keep me from harm's way now hurts me as an adult, because I always assume that the bad feelings are my fault and so therefore I need to get out of the way. This happens less and less these days because I recognize it, but still- when you live with someone that radiates grey and nothing but grey, you begin to wonder- what is wrong here? When nothing you do to cheer that person up or make life tolerable are even noticed... ahh, but I am tired, so tired of this grey energy. I have a wish for what to expect in a partner in the future, and though I don't need constant manic cheer, I do wish for some balance! No more broken birdies, no more Eeyore!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I am procrastinating again, looking at the sun outside my window- it was raining earlier, this weather is a lot like how I feel these days. I'm listening to Incus, "Just One Thing" right now and it is a good summary...

I know that in one week, my entire life will be changing at a rapid pace- this summer is going to be entirely unlike anything else... I am looking forward to it but at the same time, something inside me is deeply sad because my relationship is over and will never be the same. This is a welcome change, a necessary change, but I would be a food to believe it wouldn't hurt on some level. And so here it is. I know I don't want the relationship I am in but regardless of that, it is a certain comfort and safety- what you know vs what you don't.

Along with this, there is the huntress rising inside me- I feel it in my solar plexus, this deep energy that rises when I am disengaged from a steady relationship. Wild, it is! Wild! I enjoy it but it is not a steady thing... and this is a reason I seek relationships, no? For the stability of keeping that tigress hidden, caged in my mind while I progress in a domestic partnership. This huntress... she's something else, and it is not an energy I have ever explored in depth. For one, it frightens men and I hate that- there is a lot of power in this spirit of mine, and that is completely at odds with the gentleness I have longed to cultivate since I was a child.

Something I have come to understand however is that such energy as this cannot be denied, and there is nothing safe or correct about chaining it and using relationships as a method to control a fiery energy that has no right to be doused... what would happen if I allowed it to just be? If I were completely and truly myself, what would happen? This is a question that began last summer in a vision... my own complete denial of my beauty and power. Ha! At 30 I am learning that these things cannot be buried without serious consequences. The harder I have tried to deny that and bury this energy, the fiercer I get- angry, restless, scared- you name it, the negative side comes up, because anything that is improperly channeled leaks...

What is exciting is that the doorway to summer and freedom is so close. The summer begins with my initiation- I am going to the next level in Reiki, defining and refining my use of energy. This training taps the emotional facet of energy, and my master told me that you begin to shed old useless emotional patterns even before the new level... I have seen that, with shedding my old comfort zones (this relationship, those old fears, that ignorant point of view... on and on). I will be opened further, my channels burned clean, and then sent off into a summer of work and discovery- so close to the ocean I can touch her whenever I need to which if I have my way will be every single day.

This is something that brings me deep hope and excitement, right to my bones. I will not be able to deny the pull of what the summer brings no matter what I might like to believe. I will be working hard to clear my channels, accept what comes and relax into acceptance of the change that is coming- coming into my own power further, accepting my role as a healer and a leader in my own right... because these are all things I foolishly denied for a long time in order to ensure that others could remain in their own safety zones around me. It is not that I feel I need to begin to be inconsiderate- far from it... I am not entirely sure of what it means yet, but it is certain to be something of a surprise, even for me.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The harder I study, the fiercer the artist bangs inside my head to come out... suppressed, it dotes on ideas of melencholy and disaster... the compressed dancer in my bones is aching, longing, and all those things become misplaced if I begin to forget who I am and why I am here. Soon, so soon, the exams will end and I will let her out, my creative being- but right now I am feeling so much coiled energy it makes my teeth ache. I feel like a spring... and it is spring... there is so much sun outside my window, finally!!!

So much change is coming and I am powerless to organize it yet because I must study and stay sane all at once. So much change. Off I will go to research my summer away, in that seductive air of the cape- the ocean always calls to me, and I answer her when I am near; she brings to the surface my power and my desires. It is so much easier to bear now that I am older and recognize my potential. I am breathless waiting for when I can feel her airs, when I can bring fire to the shore and dance on the sand, when I can feel warmth on my skin, my feet in that cold Atlantic sea. There is so much more to this longing that I fear to let out- there is an element of danger to speak of it on line, but I will say it: I have wanted out of this relationship I am leaving for a long long time, but I stayed for fear that I was running away and now I am free, free to speak the truth... it was not what I wanted, and now I am cut loose. This too is something that makes me chafe, because I do not want to be swept away in the giddy joy that is this freedom. My heart waits for one who is worthy, and my body doesn't give a good goddam about that- so I must focus with all my will on my art and my dance and keep my body tired and busy so that the lure of the mysterious summer lover passes me by... like so much sand on a breeze.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Almost done... almost done... I can't stand it anymore but I'm almost done... I have to remind myself that this is all worth it, that this suffering and madness will culminate in something beautiful and worthwhile: doing what I love, every single day.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

It happens every spring. As the sap moves through the trees, and the smell of earth becomes pervasive- deep and rich, intoxicating like incense... I feel my blood thinning with the heat and running through my veins, alive... awake... aware.I feel I have been asleep since October, I feel I have been moving through molasses, feet in blocks of cement. Only now with the warmth of these days I am bright and alert, and here.This is the time of Coyote magic. It is no mistake that April Fools is in the spring. Coyote is here, tickling my feet and my fancy, telling me to wake up and play. I feel fantastic and fine, young and free... and it is indeed time to play.I am straining at the edges of this semester, waiting to shed more clothes and responsibilities and get down to the sweaty business of summer fun and flirting. There are people out there waiting to be known, flirted with, played with and discovered; this may sound at first sexual, but I merely wait for the joy of discovery as usual.How often I have gotten in trouble, with this Coyote magic dancing on my lips! Riding in my dimple, in my teasing phrases, my sly glances to all people alike. If I like you, if I fancy you, if I think you are fun and fine and a good friend, I flirt... to me flirting is like exercise, something to be done regularly because it does a body good.And so I honor Coyote, Coyote who has come to me in dreams, who dances in my soul every day, who pulses in my veins especially in spring, who brings to my lips these teases that all might laugh... and perhaps feel a little passion in their blood, because to live is to love is to feel is to find yourself longing for the pleasure of life in the fullest.Coyote... coyote... come and play, I am ready... ready for the summer, you old flirt, ready to set your mischief alight into the summer air.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

It's a little like trying on a shiny new dress. Or haircut. With all I've learned and how much I've grown in the past few years, because of the relationship I was in or despite it, it will be fun and interesting to try out the shiny new world as a single girl with all the knowledge and outlook I have now. See, I haven't been truly single and free in a long time. The last time I was single, I wasn't sure I should be. I missed him. I wanted to reconcile. I wasn't ready. I felt adrift, lost, lonely...Now- well, now is different. A new season, a new year, a new haircut, a new if hard outlook.I have changed a lot, as you will do when forced down the gaping maw that is vet school; having gone down there in a relationship as thick as fine blackstrap molasses, it will be something different to navigate it as a woman singulare.Don't I deserve to see the world through eyes unfettered by the trappings of a relationship? My whole post-pubescent life has been one of strings of relationships, with hardly a pause for breath in between. Never a pause, not since I was sniffed out by the boys when I was 12! I would take a month or two and think, there, I've been single. Next?

Now though, as a woman grown, I wonder what I am like when I am left to my own devices. I don't want to date. I want to be sugar free, man free and care free for a time. I think it will be good for me! Imagine! Not a man in sight, and the air is clear.

The tricky bit is of course that I still live with the man I was dating. Tis a friendly agreement, and one of necessity; but come fall, I will be cut loose, and diving into the most sticky semester yet... and there will be no time to entangle myself, and I will be glad! Vet school is no place for a relationship. I will try that and see what becomes of me.