The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 69)May
27, 2002 Out Of Harm's Way Edition

Three
cheers as Dubya sits atop the chart for a second week running.
Turns out that even he admits that his little jaunt
across the country on September 11 was the act of a chicken.
Not too shabby. Dick Cheney returns to the chart, bringing
his wife Lynne along for the ride (2), and John Ashcroft holy
rolls his way into the number three slot. But who's this?
Why, it's Laura Bush (4), making her debut appearance on the
Top Ten list. Congratulations Laura! In fact it seems that
we're all about first families this time around, as the First
Family of Texas slips into sixth place. Bringing up the rear
we have Time Magazine (7) licking the boots of Ari
Fleischer, the Michigan Republican Party (8) cheating their
way through election season, and Dick Armey (9) just being
completely and utterly despicable. (Don't forget the key.)

George
W. Bush
According to the GOP, the infamous
Bush-9/11 exploitation photo they were hawking for cash demonstrated
"the gritty determination of our new president."
But believe it or not, in an interview last week for German
television Dubya revealed
what was really going through his mind as he sat safe
and sound on Air Force One. "I was concerned about things
like, is my wife safe? You know, I was worried about that.
I was worried about things such as my parents. I was worried
about my [twin] girls....I mean, I was trying to get out of
harm's way." Trying to get out of harm's way? There
were a lot of people worried about their families on September
11, but let's face it - most of them weren't flown "out
of harm's way" when they should have been leading the
country. Not that Bush is particularly worried about the servicemen
and women he's currently putting in harm's way in Afghanistan,
of course. So: gritty determination? Or pant-pooping yellow-bellied
cowardice? We report, you decide...

Dick
and Lynne Cheney
And so George W. Bush is running scared. Unable to come up
with a coherent (or honest) response to the explosive allegations
that he had advance warning of the 9/11 attack, George did
the same thing he always does when he gets in a bindů He sent
in Dick Cheney to do damage control. Too bad Pacemaker Boy
(or his wife) couldn't come up with a coherent response either.
So they used the classic Bush Administration fallback plan:
Get offended that your opponents would even dare to
ask questions. "When members of Congress suggest that the
president of the United States had foreknowledge of the attack
on September 11th, I think that's outrageous, that is beyond
pale," Cheney said.
"Somebody needs to say, that ain't criticism, that's a gross
outrageous political attack, and it's totally uncalled for."
Dick later trotted out his wife to echo
the sentiment, "To suggest that any president would have information
that he could have acted on to prevent Sept. 11 and not acted
is absolutely beyond the pale." So let me get this straight:
Knowing about 9/11 beforehand, and doing nothing, is perfectly
acceptable. But asking questions about it is beyond the
pale. Welcome to Bush's America.

John
Ashcroft
As Americans continue to wonder what went wrong before 9/11,
it is becoming increasingly clear that Attorney General Ashcroft
dropped the ball last year. It's seems that Holy John was
spending way too much of his time and energy on his two pet
issues: (1) providing greater access to firearms for America's
criminals, and (2) sticking his nose in other people's private
business, especially when it relates to sex and drugs. According
to the UK Guardian, on September 10, Ashcroft submitted
requests for budget increases in 68 programs, none of which
were related to terrorism. A memorandum from the same time
outlined his seven priorities, none of which was fighting
terrorism. He even turned down an FBI request that hundreds
more agents be assigned to counter-terrorism efforts. Interestingly,
by mid summer Ashcroft had become concerned enough with the
threat of terror attacks against himself that he had
stopped using commercial airlines, and instead chartered a
private jet to travel around the country. This, of course,
is becoming a theme for this administration: Screw the American
people, but get your own ass "out of harm's way."

Laura
Bush
Never fear folks, our problems with NATO are solved! Yes,
Laura Bush, our esteemed First Librarian, is making great
strides in the arena of foreign policy - meeting last week
with Czech President Vaclav Havel. According
to the UK Guardian, Laura and Vaclav spent 30 minutes
discussing the November NATO summit "at a candlelit table
in his presidential office." How romantic! But as it
turned out Laura was more than a match for President Havel
when it came to topics such as Russia's potential for inclusion
in NATO. After the meeting, she told reporters that, "I
think, actually, his viewpoint is also what President Bush
thinks - that Russia can be a nice ally to NATO, but not necessarily
a member." That's nice!

House
Republicans
House Republicans think it's a disgrace that anyone should
use the war for partisan political purposes, but ended up
wrapping themselves so tightly in the flag last week that
their brains started to squeeze out of their ears. Working
on a policy of lowering taxes, increasing spending, and borrowing,
borrowing, borrowing, the GOP last week attempted
to force an increase in the federal debt ceiling into an anti-terrorism
bill. Now that's what I call fiscal responsibility!
House Democrats opposed the measure, but Republicans decided
to play the terrorism card by accusing Democrats of holding
up spending on the military - not that they want to use the
war for partisan political purposes, you understand. "American
soldiers are dying, unfortunately," sniffed House Appropriations
Committee Chairman C.W. Bill Young (R-Fla.). "We are going
to move this bill to completion." And move it they did - the
GOP defeated Democrats' attempts to stop the measure by 215-203.
Our sentiments echo those of Rep. John F. Tierney (D-Mass.)
"The majority wrapped this bad act in the flag... and brought
it here hoping Americans would be distracted by the waving
of the flag. It's a disgrace." That's Republicans for you,
John...

The
First Family of Texas
What do you do if you're a 15-year-old girl who really
really wants a driver's license like right now
without having to wait until you turn 16? Well if your daddy's
the governor of Texas, it's simple. The Dallas Morning
Newsreported
last week that Sydney Perry has been given a special driver's
license after her mother indicated that their family faces
"unusual economic hardship." Apparently young Sydney needs
the license to get to school, and to drive to a summer job
(despite the fact that Rick Perry has Department of Public
Safety drivers at his disposal). The first family's economic
hardship must be quite unusual - Perry makes $115,000
a year, and the DPS must find that failure to grant the license
"will result in an unusual economic hardship for the family
of the applicant." So Sydney's job must be quite something
if she's going to be keeping the Perrys afloat this summer.
Halliburton CEO perhaps? I mean, it can't be that she just
wants the license to impress her friends...

Time
Magazine This
week's award for Most Sycophantic Piece of Brown-Nosed Buttock-Fondling
goes to Time Magazine for their fawning write-up
of Ari Fleischer's performance last week. Ari was Time's
Person of the Week for "having one tough week - and not
really deserving it... It would be a hardhearted newsman who
didn't feel just the slightest twinge of sympathy for White
House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer Wednesday night as he
took the withering first wave of Washington's latest 9/11-related
feeding frenzy." Uh-huh. Of course one could make the
argument that since this is the first time in a year and a
half that Ari's actually had to answer any real questions,
we really shouldn't be feeling that sorry for him.
Unless of course you like to pretend that one of the administration's
most egregious liars and partisan hacks is a poor, sad fellow
deserving of sympathy. Thanks, Time.

The
Michigan Republican Party It's
an election year, which could only mean one thing: Republicans
are cheating again. From Michigan comes the latest offense
from the GOP Dirty Tricks file. It appears that the Michigan
GOP has planted eight fake Democratic candidates on this year's
primary ballot to challenge legitimate Democratic candidates
for state senate. The two public notaries who certified the
eight fake
candidates work for (surprise!) two Republican state senators.
One of the candidates was an 18-year-old kid who was talked
into running by a group of Republicans. Apparently he
thought he was signing up as a Republican. It appears that
the kid filled out the entire form except the space for party
affiliation, which had the word "Democrat" scrawled in someone
else's handwriting. When the poor kid was asked who talked
him into running, all he could come up with was the name "Pete"
and a phone number in Lansing, the state capital. Turns out
the number was for the Senate Majority Communications Office,
which just happens to have a staffer named Pete. (Incidentally,
Michigan law forbids the use of government facilities for
political work - Whoops!) So, looks like the GOP's
been busted for fake candidates in Michigan. Now, if they
could only do something about the fake President in the White
House.

Dick
Armey
The United States Senate unanimously passed legislation to
provide federal death benefits to survivors of ten fallen
heroes from the 9/11 tragedy. The bill was named for Father
Mychal Judge, the gay chaplain who died while administering
last rites to a firefighter in the World Trade Center. While
the Senate did the right thing, bigoted Republicans in the
House, led by Dick Armey, couldn't stand the thought of providing
assistance to surviving family members of gays and lesbians.
The bill cleared the House Judiciary Committee, but Armey
pulled
it before it could come up for a vote on the House floor.
Apparently it would set a bad precedent to show a little conservative
compassion to all the dead heroes of 9/11. The message
from Dick Armey is, United we standů Unless you're gay,
in which case we don't give a shit that you made the ultimate
sacrifice in order to protect your fellow Americans. Absolutely
sickening.

George
W. Bush (again) And finally, it would appear that our great leader George
W. Bush has finally fallen under the spell of former KGB chief
Vladimir Putin. It was only last year that George stared into
Vlad's eyes and caught a glimpse of his soul, but he doesn't
seem to be able to get the incident out of his mind, the poor,
lovesick dunderhead. And last week it was revealed
that Bush has a new nickname for his beloved - he now refers
to the Russian leader as "Pootie-Poot." We're not
sure what Pickles makes of this, but we suspect that her recent
candlelit dinner with Vaclav Havel may not have been
an in-depth discussion of NATO policies, as advertised, but
instead a cry for help - a way to make hubby jealous. "George,
I'm a woman, for god's sake, with feelings. I
wanted you to keep your hands off that ex-KGB whorebag, but
you wouldn't listen! And now it's too late!" Yup, whether
it's Dubya and Pootie-Poot or Pickles and Vaclav, this nail-biting
story of love, romance, and top-level Eastern-European shagging
is keeping us on the edge of our seats. See you next week!

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