Kicking Anxieties Arse!

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Last night was a big night for me, let me explain. Following
my post last week about anxiety and my worries of passing it on to Emily, I decided
that something needed to change. I text my best friend, because if I was going
to do this, if I was going to leave Emily for a couple of hours, she was the
person I wanted to be with. She has been my best friend since I was 4, and if
anyone can keep me grounded and calm it’s her. When everything went wrong in my
life, she was my rock. When I got into a depressed state, hit rock bottom and
tried to take my own life, she was there. When I got out of a messy
relationship – she was there, when I had Emily, she was supportive, spoilt my
daughter and became her godmother. She really is the best friend anyone could
ask for, and I am so grateful to have her.

Our text went something like this:

Me – what are you doing next Monday?Toni – nothing I don’t thinkMe – want to go see Bridget Jones baby? Or have you already seen itToni – I haven’t seen it but yeah can doMe – I’m going to leave Emily with Sam. I’m anxious as hell and he doesn’t yet
know it, but I just need to do itToni – yeah you definitely do, you’ll be fine, and we can always go home if it’s
too much.

Now I know going to the cinema may be something small, but
if you are a regular reader you will know that I have never left Emily. So this
was a big step for me. That message, is what a best friend does, she was
willing to pay £9.40 to see a film and leave half way through - if I needed
too. Well I’m happy to say I did it. I managed to get through the whole film. I
was anxious as hell, and there were a few times I felt like saying can we just
go home, but I didn’t. I stuck it out, and guess what – Emily was fine. She
didn’t wake up needing me, she didn’t cry because she didn’t know I was gone. She
did ask for me a few times while she was awake, but Sam simply told her I was
asleep and that was enough for her. It was literally all in my head, and I
built it up to be something much worse than it was. Sure I was super anxious,
and there was one point during the film that I felt my chest tighten, I felt
like I was going to have a panic attack but I reined it in, remembered why I was
doing this, and took a few breaths. In no time I was ok again.

My gorgeous girl, fast asleep completely unaware I wasn't there.

The thing is, Postnatal depressions is a life robbing
illness, it takes you to a place where you just wait in limbo for the world to
end, and be sucked into the darkness that is currently surrounding your mind.
It feels like turning up to work dressed in your pyjama’s and everyone else is
in a suit. For as long as I can remember I have struggled to be away from Emily,
I was filled with a massive amount of dread and anxiety when I even thought
about it. So I never did it. I never tried to leave her.

When Emily was born, I didn’t want to go out, and I didn’t
want to share my baby, I didn’t want people to come to me either. That is where
it is hard for family and friends who don’t understand as they take it
personally and these ties can be lost forever. I was ashamed of how I looked,
and thought that people were disgusted by how I looked, or were judging me. I
was so out of touch with reality. I have never looked at any friends, relative
or strangers and thought they were disgusting post baby, so why did I think
people would look at me that way? As a result of my feelings, I just found no
joy in anything, I was isolated and agitated. It took me a long time to come to
terms with how I was feeling, and that it was beyond my control. I had an
illness, which made me feel this way. I couldn’t help it. I was told to ‘snap
out of it’, I was also told to just ‘leave my baby with a friend or relative’
but that didn’t help. Those comments actually made everything worse and put so
much pressure onto me. Pressure that I didn’t need and didn’t know how to cope
with.

I have been fighting this war with PND for longer than I can
remember, it’s been 2 years, and I’m only just starting to come out of the
haze. It isn’t just a simple thing, you can’t just snap out of it or flick a
switch and bam its gone. Leaving Emily was something that was so magnified for
me and at the centre of everything. It was one of the biggest hurdles that I
needed to get over, and I have finally started to get there.

I guess it all comes down to trust and control. It isn’t
that I don’t trust someone to look after Emily, but I must have some issues
else I wouldn’t find it this hard. It really all comes down to control, that I don’t
want to relinquish t to anyone else because I know MY little girl, I know what
she likes, I know how to comfort her, I know exactly what she needs at any
moment of time during the day, and let’s face it – no one can duplicate the
bond that me and Emily have. The mother instinct completely goes against the
idea of leaving her behind. My job as Emily’s mother is to care for her, and
protect her for life. How can I do that if she is with someone else?

The thing is, she also needs room to grow, to find her own
feet and gain her own independence. I have recently started to come to terms
with this. She is so ready to be away from me, even if it is just four hours
like today. Today was the first step, and I’m proud that I managed to take that
step. I would never have been able to do it without the support, love and
guidance by Sam and Toni.

Please just remember, if you’re feeling this way too. it's
ok to ask for help or just chat to someone. Just look at me, I’m finally taking
the steps that I should have taken ages ago, I’ve done it at my pace, and It
feels good to be making those steps.

P.S the film was really good, but Bridget should have picked Jack. Spoilers!

You are such an amazing mummy Steph. Some mums would wish for a night off. So good for you for pushing yourself to face your fears I am genuinely so proud of you for doing it. And what a lovely supportive friend you have. You are so very lucky. xx

Honestly you are doing just fine. It's normal to feel that way and I know a lot of people who do. I felt that way with my first born too the first couple of months but its the complete opposite now since I have two children. Just basically get out of the house with no kids and be able to breathe.

I live with generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder so i totally get just how scary this must have been for you, but you should be SO proud of yourself. It may only seem like a small step, but it's a step in the right decision and that's a really big deal! Well done you xx

I'm Steph, 20-something year old Mama to Emily (3years) and Isabelle (6Months). You can expect all things parenting, with a little bit of baking, crafting and sensory play thrown in for extra measure. Join us on our adventures.