Accepting

When I first joined this forum, 2 and a half years ago, there were a few people I that I came to talk to and vent my feelings. One of these people was Shelby. I won't say her username, those who know her know who I am talking about. We were both troubled, both had problems with depression, suicide, and self-harm. However while I came to get better and eventually recover, she got worse. There were many horrible things that happened to her in a short time-span, it was just too much. I wont say what happened specifically, I don't think she would approve of that for obvious reasons. However what did happen pushed her over the edge. I had talked her out of suicide many times over the years, and she had talked me out of quite a few things. We cared about each other. To get better, one must want to get better. She didnt, not anymore. She was lost, and there was nothing I could say or do when she finally texted me Goodbye a few weeks ago. It was final, and when she finally told me why, I understood. I was shocked, I was scared. I tried calling her, texting her, but she never responded. I was numb, I didnt know what to feel, I blamed myself because I didnt talk her out of it, like it was my fault that she killed herself. Soon rational thoughts returned, I realized that there was nothing I could have done and in a way I moved on. But the thoughts never went away, they lurked in a dark corner of my mind, locked away. It is now, a month later that I must finally accept the possibility of the unthinkable.
She's safe. It could mean shes in a hospital getting stabilized, or it could mean that she finally got what she wanted, and death has made her happy where life did not. I do not know either way, but I have to accept that I may never know. I have to truely move on. . It isnt worth it, it never was. Too much of my life has been spent wallowing in self-pity, or stressing out over things I can't change. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown, no wonder my depression turned into suicidal thoughts and eventually into actions. I look back at my life and all I see is my baffling tendencies to make the worst out of ever possible situation, making myself miserable because I thought I deserved it, looking over my shoulder at school and thinking everyone was out to get me, everyone hated me. All of it is my fault, my pain and suffering, I caused all of it. I have a good fucking life, comparing it to Shelby, or most people on this forum, and I have it easy. I havent been abused verbally or physically. I live in a nice Condo, I have a comfortable bed, a awesome computer, a decent sized T.V, food and drink whenever I want. There are things that arent so great. My Dad is a mess, he is going to lose his job, he's trying to get disability, he's a manic sociopath that just so happens to have the same exact mental disorders that I have and on top of that many physical health issues that make his life a living hell. And now I'm afraid that I am also a manic sociopath, because every other of his mental disorders have been passed down to me.
Its amazing that through all this, I havent even thought of suicide, havent self-harmed once and I stopped getting high weeks ago. I must be doing something right, but what that is continues to elude me.

YOU are not your father hun You are special ok and your friend maybe just in hospital getting treatment she needs my bro been there over a month now and i have not heard anything from him when there are in picu they do not have contact to the outside. You are doing well to keep yourself stable somewhat depression does not need a reason hun it is chemical imbalance of the brain. I do hope you continue to reach out here for support ok and i hope your friend is in a place where they can help her heal hugs