THE STORIES OF LOVE AND DREAMS THAT PEPPER MY PURSUIT OF ME

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Mr. Marry

I suppose I didn’t respond with what you wanted to say. Your current words. Light, funny. You write the word “Phew.” and “I guess I was just trying to figure out stuff that was happening, so what the hell I thought I’d ask.” You also tell me you are going to DR, then Thailand, and perhaps, moving to Spain with the guys in July. WHAT?

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Ok, so a note to all. I know what KidRobot is doing. His reactions would be fine had I wrote him I wasn’t interested, that I didn’t think about us as well. But, that’s not the truth. Clearly, my words were not what he wanted to hear. But, now his emotions are so indifferent he has sealed their fate. I want to say “Fuck you.” I know his indifference is a safety blanket, a retraction of the emotions, an attempted way to save the potential hurt. But, again, fuck you. If you are a man, stand by what you say until we discuss it and figure our own truths, together. You are proposing being partners and you cannot even do this?

So, it’s not that I am angry, but I write this as a note on the decisions we make and the games we play when dealing with the heart. He chose a route I do not recommend. I suppose perhaps, all routes arrive at the same destination, but I think less of him for his withdrawal. For his inability to stand by his words. His emotions. There is a reason I hate the words I love you and why I prefer my bouts with “unavailables”.

Errant- Thank you. I am starting to think I need to press reset and clear the entire current cast.

Doeseatoats- Aww. I am blushing. Thank you. “If it makes you feel bad, then I say boo.” I think I need to take that phrase with me, on this week’s journey. PS. your link doesn’t work when you hit on your comments. Fix it!! xx

KatieLeigh- Thank you. I hope I maintain some clarity. And I appreciate the compliment, it’s very empowering. I already feel stronger to deal with all!

Brigid- Good question. “Us” was something I stopped entertaining. We coexisted as friends genuinely. The process of which, suffocates underlying emotions and changes the perceived truth of two. I would have to view the dark of his light. I know this may sound crazy, but should their be a little taboo in him, I could see myself falling. For now, I genuinely love him, but am not in love with him. He possesses what I want in a partner. But will he rip my clothes, bruise me, shock me? That I don’t know . . .

But as I wrote above, his density kills me. And unfortunately, I think I am just a symbol, a scapegoat in his exploration of self.