Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: After The Rains

Not sure if you heard, but we got rained on pretty baronially yesterday. I can assure you I'm not complaining, since I realize other parts of the country have been getting ravaged by tornados recently, which puts the little spritzing we received in perspective. Still, the fact remains that Mother Nature squatted over our faces and sprayed us down pretty good for something like a 24-hour period, stuff flooded, and it was on the news and everything.

As of this morning though, the rain had stopped, and all was steamy and sultry in the land of Seaman and Cumming as the sun burned away the primordial mist and the trees were ripe with fresh buds, promise, and some semen:

(Semen on the trees always causes my seasonal allergies to act up.)

I love few things more than a spring ride immediately after what meteorologists call a "heavy rain event," the air pregnant with vernal urgency and the bike path still strewn with last night's debris and inundated with skanky giardia water:

That's why you need fenders:

By the way, there's a sinkhole up this way that's been spreading for something like a year and a half now. It's already claimed most of the bike path, and it's only a matter of time before the hillside crumbles into the Hudson, taking some poor unsuspecting Fred or tridork along with it::

I'm only 75% joking by the way, and I can assure you that the retaining walls around here can and do fall down, especially after it rains:

Anyway, despite all of this I was feeling good and reveling in the dramatic landscape. The sun was coming out, the air was warming up, and between my fenders and having finished a full course of antibiotics last night I was relatively certain I hadn't contracted giardiasis--which, awesomely, is also known as "beaver fever," and could very easily be the title of a porno movie. Then, through the trees, I could just make out a spectral presence:

Could it be?

Yes, the George Washington Bridge!

The "GWB" is of course the Bridge That Launched A Thousand Freds, carrying legions of them each weekend from Manhattan across the Hudson River and into New Jersey, at which point they head north across the state line and infest the arterials and quaint towns of Rockland County like Lycra-clad giardia specimens.

By the way, here's a fun fact about the GWB: they were supposed to cover those towers, but they thought the exposed girders looked cool, so they left it the way it was--kind of like how the fixie people didn't want to tape up their shiny Nittos.

Sadly, my journey this morning would not take me over the bridge, even though I felt its Fredly pull deep in my Fredly DNA:

Indeed, you'd have to look 3,000 miles to the west to undertake a more dramatic water crossing by bicycle, and I'm referring of course to the Golden Gate Bridge. Even then, neither bridge emerges the clear winner. Both bridges certainly carry more than their fair share of Freds, and in fact I'm surprised neither has yet collapsed beneath all of that sheer Fredliness, for to cross either bridge is to very nearly drown in a sea of crabon and ill-fitting Rapha straining to contain those porcine Fred midriffs. Then there are the triathletes coming towards you with their pointy aerobars like jousting nights suffering from some sort of mass aero helment-borne inner ear infection that is wreaking total havoc with their equilibrium.

So as far as sheer dorkiness, I'd say it's a toss-up.

Some miles and many giardia-filled puddles later, I found myself in Central Park:

Where I saw a man riding a Citi Bike in Lycra:

I don't know if he's in from out of town and wanted to get a quick workout in, or if he's local and just likes to ride in the park without the hassle of actually owning a bicycle. Either way, it made me happy to see. Incidentally, as I took that photo, another rider heading towards me on a privately-owned bicycle told me to "keep my eyes on the road" or words to that effect, which was ironic because he was salmoning. Sure, admittedly I was futzing around with a smartphone while riding a bicycle, but what he doesn't know is that I'm a semi-professional bike blogger, and that unlike 99.9% of the population I have super-senses that allow me to do things while riding that the "normals" simply cannot. For instance, while it may look like I'm distracted by my attempts to photograph a guy on a Citi Bike, I actually have a second pair of eyes in my nipples that keeps me fully apprised of everything going on in front of me. Moreover, I even have a third pair of eyes that keeps watch behind me:

So I'll keep doing stuff myself that I criticize other people for, thanks very much.

Then I kicked some piece of shit Magna out of the way so I could lock up the Son of Scat:

See, you can't be too careful, because the bike thieves in this town will pick your bike clean--though I'm having trouble figuring out why they went through the trouble of stripping this particular bike when it's not even locked in the first place:

Great Day in Rofo news…New crack video, new audio tape, here’s the highlights:

Ford criticizes Tim Hudak, the leader of the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party, for voting in favour of a motion to fly a rainbow flag at Queen's Park provincial legislature during the Sochi Olympics."Hudak comes out and says, 'Yeah, I agree with all the gays,'" Ford says."Right there, he lost my vote,"

When Ford is discussing the other mayoral contenders, someone in his group asks him, "How about Karen Stintz?" "I'd like to f-----g jam her," Ford replies.

At another point in the tape, someone asks Ford, "How do you f--k your wife?"

"Brother, I'd f--k her wife every f-----g," he says before the audio becomes indiscernible.

south path on the GWB still closed, at least in the morning, annoying have to use the the north one, which means down stairs, up stairs, down stairs, up stairs and down stairs again. I'm sure it will closed for a year for some simple maintenance. It always amazes me that they managed to build the empire state building 80 years ago in 18 months, but simple repairs (e.g. fixing a subway escalator) can take just as long. Union Labor.

south path on the GWB still closed, at least in the morning, annoying have to use the the north one, which means down stairs, up stairs, down stairs, up stairs and down stairs again. I'm sure it will closed for a year for some simple maintenance. It always amazes me that they managed to build the empire state building 80 years ago in 18 months, but simple repairs (e.g. fixing a subway escalator) can take just as long. Union Labor.

Do you get tourists on the GWB? The Golden Gate bridge is chock full of both pedestrian and bicycle tourists, plus the towers get in the way. Bike tourists ride from Fisherman's Wharf along the shore and over the bridge to Sausalito, where they can take a ferry back. The lanes are so slow that I think the Freds are more likely to drive across and start their exercise ride on the other side. It is discouraging how many bicyclists drive to work and drive to bicycle rides out here. captcha: Yorkeys sympathy

"Let's go watch our nanny take our status child for a walk. I'll wear my squeaky clean, ironic work boots, a t-shirt, and a blazer, so everyone knows I don't have to work. You put on one of your retired-model outfits. Consuela will listen to her iPod, since our conversations make her vomit."

• Engage in other reckless behaviors like driving too fast or gambling”

3. “Hypersexuality is defined as “exhibiting unusual or excessive concern with or indulgence in sexual activity.”

Hypersexuality is generally associated with hypomania and mania and used to be known as nymphomania. (Although the terms nymphomania (for women) and satyriasis (for men) are still used by the World Health Organization.) It should be noted that the severity of hypersexuality runs the gamut just like all hypomanic / manic symptoms do.

Hypersexuality is actually the excessive desire for sex or indulgent activities.

Hypersexuality is about the needing, the craving of a release.

Hypersexuality is feeling sex move across your skin, slip down the shaft of each hair, and settling deep within your core making all other wants irrelevant.

Hypersexuality is a driving force. Like eating. When you're starving to death.”

BSNYC,That explanation makes sense, which is not very exciting. But, what if you rotated the wings down to 6 of the clock? Seems like that may be comfortable, in the sitting straight up and steering with 1 hand position. Kind of like the old-skool "Schwinn" grips with the little finger nubs on the bottom. Although, it will probably hinder the bunny-hopping of squirrels and dead cats.

I am not sure if I am more impressed that you actually took a good photo - one of the GWB ones is pretty moody - or that you obviously earn your crust in the titling division of a porn conglomerate.

As Jam Master Cray and others pointed out earlier, the GGB is usually full of a streamlined peloton of Rapha-esque wannabes trying not to be run down by crazily slaloming tourists on rental bikes with one hand on their cellphone camera as they document the hazardous traverse. SPokey - do you get strong cross winds on that there bridge of yours almost every day? That’s the worst part, especially since the outside barrier is at about saddle height. Sure gives me the hee-bee-gee-bees when it gets gusty…

Wildcat rock-meisha masheen, or anyone, a serious question about the bars on the son of scatt. considering a pair for my commuter as they seem pretty comfortable with a more upright riding postion (i have narrowish flat bars on my bike currently), but are they slightly unwieldy and do you lose leverage when speeding up or going up hills? that was my experience the few times I rode dutch style bikes. thanks

I'm sure in your limited experience the GWB seems like a "dramatic water crossing by bicycle" and that the GGB seems pretty good too, but you should know there's a whole bunch of bridges beyond the continental United States.

The most "dramatic water crossing by bicycle" is to be found 20,000km west of the George W Bush: the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

It also has more spectacular Fred congestion than your pathetic efforts;

http://www.sydneyharbourlink.com/files/55stepsDSCN0809.jpg

Furthermore, not only does the SHB have completed pylons, they're completely unnecessary! They're cosmetic!!

Don't fall for the bullshit that they left the GWB pylons uncovered for aesthetic reasons, the builders were on a flat fee probably and concocted that little scam so the could sell the same cladding for a second time.

Spokey, doesn't it have a metal grid deck, too? It did, back in the day, anyway. I felt spooked going over it on a motorcycle; if you have done it on skinny tires without wetting yourself, you are a more continent man than I.

Anon 4:41,I've got bars like that (from Rivendell, forget if they call them Dove or Albatross these days) on my commuter and they're very comfy. Speeding? I haven't noticed any loss of leverage, but there's no point bending over or trying to get aero because then it feels like my hands are behind my back. Hills we no got in Chicago, but the hillish bumps are no problem.

Can't really remember. It was over a decade ago. 11 years more of scotch and cognac induced coma. Or perhaps the fear still has it repressed in my noggin.

But I recall a small local bridge with the square/diamond metal grate that they rebuilt a couple years ago now. It was better on my bicycle. I almost always use continentals (TT, TT2K, now travel contacts) and always 37c which I'm told is more realistically a 35. It was bumpy but not scary. On a Suzuki 450, I really felt like I was veering all over the place. perhaps there are critical widths.

Roille

The low part didn't bother me as it seemed low enough that if I went over the side, I wouldn't immediately die. I'm not a fan of heights so I wasn't happy about the tall part. Can't remember whether I wet myself or not but it was late June so likely dried quickly if I did. I thought the worst was no shoulder. If I recall correctly, there is simply 0 shoulder.

Spokey, at least on the GGB you are separated from the trucks by a barrier of a kind, though I remember when that was only ankle high...The little swing bridge by the ballpark in SF is all grating, and that is unpleasant enough, all ten yards of it, though there are plenty of metal utility covers on the GGB to skid on in the rain.Has anyone in the commenting ranks tried riding alongside the new Bay Bridge? I can't decide if it is worth shlepping over to East Oakland BART to have the experience.

When I was about 13 I contracted a case of beaver fever. Fortunately there is no cure. But it does take a toll on your brain: roughly 28 years ago I started a job in D.C. and I decided to ride my bike the seven miles from Falls Church and over Roosevelt Bridge to get into D.C. This bridge, then as now, has nasty little sidewalks about 2 feet wide, and then those sidewalks had no linkups to anything at the Virginia end. So I would just ride down the I-66 freeway ramp and cross with the traffic as it frantically slowed and merged at the end of I-66. After a few months of this I broke down and got a helmet. But I never did actually grow any brains.

It got flat out warm and sunny yesterday afternoon and I noticed the weather brought out plenty of "fresh buds", but they weren't on trees. Legs were looking great too. Winter "coverage" is gone, thank the Lobster on High for that.

WCRM, referring to the GWB, "Not too many tourists, no. They're all on the Brooklyn Bridge."

I crossed the BB three weeks ago and there were so many people that walking was difficult without going left, right, stop, let alone riding a bike. The bike lane was full of foreign tourists taking pictures. You can tell their foreign tourists because they don't speak English and their not over weight. Cyclists had to keep yelling at them to get out of the bike lane. I guess the cycling emblems on the deck are not recognizable world wide.

On the way home last night I happened upon two Tri-Dork Knights wielding Tri-Dork Lances attached to the bars of their commuters. They didn't seem to know how to ride without gripping the lances. I gave them a wide berth as I passed into the good night.

The featured puddle was about 700mm deep the night before. I made the regretable mistake of hitting it with speed expecting it to be about the usual 6-10" deep. You would be surprised at the amount of drag water can create against a rolling bike, esspecially one with full fenders. Can I smell a new craze in interval training? I have been asking the parks to fix the issue since late winter.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!