The Monza Made by Monkeys

I purchased a 1977 Monza with the same V8. Why a V8 for a smallish car? The Monza was to receive the new GM designed rotary engine. Unfortunately, after many millions of dollars in design and testing, the rotary could not pass the new emissions standards. So GM had a chassis and no engine. GM hurriedly found two engines to dump into the Monza. The first Monza I drove had a 4-cylinder. I don’t remember what size of engine; however, this gutless car couldn’t get out of its own way. To drive 55 mph the throttle had to be floored. The next and only other engine available was the V8 that was shoehorned into the car. There was no V6 available that year.

If you think changing oil was an adventure - I had to build special tools, which I still have, to change the oil - you should have tried to change spark plugs! The power steering version of the Monza had to have the engine mounts loosened and the engine physically moved to get to cylinder 8. Six of the eight plugs were relatively easy to replace; the seventh took a little time; however, I used about $200 of Sears Craftsman tools, extensions, couplers, adaptors, and about thirty minutes of time to remove and replace that eighth plug.

Then there was the clutch. Rube Goldberg was alive and well back then and designing clutch cable routings for GM. The clutch cable for my 5-speed manual transmission kept stretching and breaking. I had that car for near ten years (I still don’t know why) and replaced a clutch cable about every year. This misery added to the memories of a sticking gas gauge and sticking high-beam switch led me to buy my first import. When I dumped my Monza, I purchased a Toyota 4×4 truck. The first check I made was to note the location of the oil filter and the spark plugs. I could change the oil and spark plugs in the Toyota in less than 35 minutes. It took 35 minutes for me to assemble the tools necessary to start the oil and plug change in the Monza.

Now, when that Monza worked it flew down the interstate.

I had that Toyota truck for 22 years. The most expensive item replaced was the muffler - ninety-dollars and about forty-five minutes of work. The truck’s replacement is a Honda Pilot. I wouldn’t take any GM vehicle for a gift.

I also had a mid-70s Monza with the V8 option. I took it to the dealer who advertised a $49.95 tune-up. After dealing with the eighth plug nightmare prevoulsy, I decided to see what the dealer would do. Lo and behold, the original eighth plug was still there following the work. When I brought it to his attention, he said a tune-up including that plug change was $149. I should have made it a test case...

The scariest problem for me, though, was the throttle linkage. If you pushed down smartly on the gas pedal, the crank arm on the carburetor would go over center and the return spring would hold the throttle in the wide-open position. The only recourse was to turn off the ignition and hope that during the 'excitement' (read 'panic') I didn't turn the key far enough to lock the steering! I would pull to the side of the road and simply flip the crank arm back. And, oh yes, change my underwear...

I had a 76 Monza. (Actually, I married a girl who had bought it the year before.) It had the 2.3 liter 4-cylinder engine that featured cast iron pistons in an aluminum block. I had to have it re-sleeved at about 80,000 miles and had to do so much work on that car it wasn't funny. The 2.3 was coupled to the same 3-speed automatic that they used in Impalas, so there was no acceleration. They tried to increase the acceleration a little bit by using s smaller, air-cooled torque converter, but that didn't help. You had to check 0 - 60 with a calendar instead of a stopwatch. You didn't have to worry about the air conditioner pulling down the engine --- it didn't have air. And the car sat so close to the ground if you ran over a dime you could feel it through the seat. The trunk was so shallow you couldn't put a carton of milk in to come home from the store. I later learned that the Monza was merely a fancy package to get rid of a large inventory of old Vega parts. I still prefer Fords because of that car.

Focus on Fundamentals consists of 45-minute on-line classes that cover a host of technologies. You learn without leaving the comfort of your desk. All classes are taught by subject-matter experts and all are archived. So if you can't attend live, attend at your convenience.