..to expect DP to contact me from abroad?

DP works for an airline and goes abroad a lot, usually for 3/4 days at a time. Has a smartphone and a laptop and emails me if he can get some free wifi. He expects me to email every day and tell him what we are up to at home.

I cant phone him because (a) he is often on a different time zone and I might wake him up (b) he doesnt give me the hotel details of where he is staying (c) he wouldnt accept a call to his mobile because of the expense (d) his phone wont be turned on for calls (see below)

Sometimes when he is away, he takes an overnight trip to another part of the country (by bus/train/plane) for sightseeting. Again, I dont have an exact itinerary or details of accommodation. Sometimes he will email me during that trip to send photos, etc.

If he doesnt email me while he is away, I have no way of knowing 100% that he is safe. He does go to some countries where mugging/kidnapping/murder is common, and where they have armed guards to the airport, and where they are told not to leave the hotel. During his stay, he is pretty much on his own as he doesnt really socialise much with the crew and prefers to do his own thing. No one would know if anything had happened to him until he didnt turn up for the flight home.

If he cant get any wifi, then he doesnt email me.

He wont turn on the 3G (on smartphone) abroad in case he gets stung for roaming charges (apparently some friend got charged for stuff even when the roaming was turned off...) So he cant text/call me either, or receive my texts/calls.

I explained that sometimes I do get a tiny bit concerned about him if I dont hear anything, and that I have no way at all of finding out if he is ok. I am not a worrier and he is pretty sensible but there is that little bit of me that cant help but think of the bad stuff that can and does happen to people.

I suggested that he takes his old (non smart)phone and puts his simcard in it and uses it to text me if there is no wifi so I know there is a reason for not hearing from him. I would also then be able to text him if there was anything he needed to know about home/kids/etc. He absolutely would not even consider the idea! It's too fiddly to change the sim, it might get lost, he cant find the charger, texts cost more from abroad, etc. So, putting my mind at rest is not worth 20-30p and a bit of effort??

I am NOT a suspicious, jealous or controlling person but we do have family and shared responsibilities and I do think that he should be prepared to keep in touch when he is not at home, and not criticise me for expressing the slightest concern for his safety. AIBU? (sorry it's so long!)

I too work away from home and have got stung by roaming charges, OP. I think your suggestion of taking his old phone is a good one. Perhaps you/he could look into your best options for keeping in touch whilst he's away? It may be that there are better/cheaper options available. Time zones are a pain... if it's any consolation, I expect he feels the communication pressures keenly too, it's not much fun being away from the family.

Well he should be able to keep in touch with you and it wont be too expensive for him to even send you the odd text just to let you know he is ok. If he is away on business anyway I am surprised that his company dont pay his phone expenses.

YANBU and he should be prepared to let you know he is ok....a short call or a text as I said before will not cost that much!

I have been abroad without my husband many times. Before I went, I spoke to my phone provider to find out the best options on how to make or recieve calls on my mobile. It is very easy to get this information.

It didnt bother me if it cost a fiver a day to be able to speak to him.

Thanks Witch, I do know he likes hearing from us, it just feels like he isnt as willing to reciprocate sometimes. He loves his job, wouldnt give up the travelling for anything, and I love that he is so happy. Just wish he could understand that when you're at home without lots of nice places to visit, your mind can wander and can dream up all sorts of nasty stuff! We used to skype but it was really hard to find mutually convenient times, so email seemed better. betty unfortunately he gets no expenses for stuff like phonecalls!

Sometimes I think it isnt the expense so much as the fact that it's me who is asking him to do something and his immediate response is no, because he didnt think of it himself!!

Have you tried Skype? You need a microphone but you can call for free, computer to computer, over the internet. Free to download. Then you wouldn't have to worry about costs, as long as he had wifi and you figured out a suitable time, timezone-wise.

Cos that would mean spending time on his airline staff site looking for the list they produce for all the hotels they use in all the different cities, priniting it out and giving it to me and then updating me every time the company changes hotels. He's a good man, great dad, etc, but like lots of men he doesnt like spending time doing something if it doesnt immediately benefit him!

Update: I have emailed him to say his old phone is now on charge, and sent him a link to the GoSim site and explained rationally why I am doing this. Hope it works

No need to be stroppy! It was only a question. My ex partner travelled the world as part of his job and ALWAYS managed to give me a phonecall/text when he had got to where he was staying, just to let me know he was safe etc. If he can find time to sightsee then he could find a way of contacting you!

I think this is completely unacceptable. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he was at home alone with the children and no word from you for days?

And he must know which hotel he is staying in immediately prior to him going away, surely? If he is not prepared to spend time printing out the hotel details he could at least tell you the name of the hotel and the city and you could get the details yourself. He sounds like he is trying to be purposely difficult if you ask me. You say that you are not suspicious or the jealous type and I am not saying that there is anything sinister going on. But his reluctance to let you know where he is staying is a bit strange IMO.

When I was travelling, (years ago) my friend had a system where she used to call her folks reverse charges twice a week to let them know she was OK. Obviously this is expensive so she used a code name so if her parents had a call from the operator saying 'will you accept a call from XXX?', they would know she was OK, but refuse the call and nobody paid. Maybe if he can use public/hotel phones this would work.