What Your Selfie Says About Your Self

The selfie game out there is fire right now. In the days of yore, selfies were strictly reserved for the girls who were obsessed with themselves and didn’t have a clue. Now, they’re for everyone. Of course, you’re careful not to overdo it or post too often — but you’re lying if you tell me you don’t have a full page of your face up in your phone somewhere. You try out all different kinds of selfies before deciding on “the one,” but we all have a favorite. We all have a go-to that we generally gravitate toward. And I think yours says a lot more about you than you think.

I don’t want to say you’re basic, because that feels too negative — you just know what works. The duck face has been tried and true. Our foremothers came to this country and duck faced at the first Thanksgiving — or maybe as they signed their names in at Ellis Island. It accentuates the highlight on your cheekbones, makes your contour look deeper, and makes your lips look more plump. Plus, you can pretend you’re just being silly with your friends, even though we know this was very intentional. You’re a classic. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Fish Gape

Lips slightly parted and slightly puckered. Eyes either opened super wide or the chin is slightly elevated so you can look down on your haters (through the camera).

Simply put, you think you’re really hot. Whether you are really hot or not, I can’t say — only the number of likes you get can do that. The fish gape is purely sexual no matter how you slice it — you can’t pass it off like you’re being sweet or silly — you’re subtly telling the world “this is what I look like when I begin to open my mouth for a blow job.” If you can make it work, power to you. If you can’t, though, we’re all judging you.

Surprise Face

You’re the “silly” girl or at least that’s the vibe you put out. You aim to be more cute than hot and you care about things a lot, but in a way that seems like you’re still a chill girl. You’re ultimately pretty happy-go-lucky in the end, though, and you put your friends above everything. Your main downfall is that your bio probably says something like “Live, laugh, love” and you’ve called your boyfriend “This guy” on every form of social media.

Big Smile

So you’re still rocking the same kind of smile your parents had you do for the photos they took on their disposable cameras in 1997. You are a happily oblivious natural beauty. You’re the girl who everyone loves even though you’re not trying. You don’t get caught up in social media for the most part, and you really wouldn’t describe yourself as a “selfie girl,” which is why you didn’t realize that most people aren’t big smiling. You don’t care though — when you’re raking in triple digits, you kind of have something to smile about.

Soft Smile

You take yourself a little too seriously at times. You think that some of the more obvious selfies are ridiculous, and this isn’t really jam, but sometimes you feel really fucking pretty and you just…you have to take a picture of yourself so other people know you’re pretty too. The soft smile is the most subtle in the game, and you slightly judge yourself for posting it, because, well, it’s a fucking selfie. You think it’s stupid and you worry that everyone else will think it’s stupid too. That judgment falls to the wayside with the positive feedback, but not enough to make this a regular thing.

Ugly Face

Take your face, and do something with it so it looks nothing like your face. The more chins the merrier.

You’re the funny girl. Your friends make fun of you for all the fucks you don’t give, and you make fun of them for taking a million pictures before deciding on one. You know you’re pretty so you don’t need social media for that validation. What you love is to make people laugh, so the more ridiculous your selfie the better. Caption game also strong AF.

Tongue Out

Any variation of your face is irrelevant, as long as the tongue is out.

Much like MiCy, the patron saint of marijuana herself, you are a party girl and you want everyone to know it. There is absolutely zero reason to stick your tongue out in a photo unless you’re wasted — at which time, that tongue is hard to cage. You find these photos funny, and they are, sorta, but they send a distinct message that says more about how many drugs you’re willing to try than your sense of humor..

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co