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Date: Thu, 3 Jan 2002 13:17:12 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1242
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=== 1242 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1242
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Thu, 03 Jan 2002 13:16:59 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1242
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1237 53 votes 66bm8 3aoa6 3cfe9 6jda5 67hg7 2bkf5 b8hb6 57iad 3chab 4acfc
1237 3.2 mean 3.4 3.1 3.3 2.8 3.2 3.2 2.9 3.4 3.3 3.4
--- 1242-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle most effervescent and perfidious,
>
> What did Marx do on Christmas?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Some people claim he held that the foundations of reality lay in the
} material base of economics rather than in the abstract thought of
} idealistic philosophy, but just between you and me, he really put on a
} red suit and secretly redistributed the means of production between the
} proletariat and bourgeoisie, using a borrowed sleigh and eight tiny
} reindeer. The white beard was his.
}
} You owe the Oracle an EZ bake oven.
--- 1242-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Me Og. Me grovel before Or-ak-ul.
>
> Me want know why woodchucks not chuck wood.
>
> Me state strongly me not want know how much, me want know why not.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} They don't chuck wood because, well, think of it. They might
} give it a toss, but they don't want to get rid of it and more
} than you do.
}
} You owe the Oracle that poster you have over there, the one
} with the dark blue background.
--- 1242-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How can I get him to stick to a schedule?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's a tough one. Ordinary glues do not work on polyethylene,
} since it's really just a wax, a long-chain hydrocarbon, with little
} ionic portion to cause any sort of bonding. You've got to get a bit
} mechanical to accomplish good adhesion. Roughen him up a bit, actually
} making holes all the way through. Do the same to the schedule. When
} you apply an adhesive, use one of good tensile strength. As it runs
} through the holes and then solidifies, it'll create a good mechanical
} bond that chemical means alone cannot accomplish. Make sure the
} schedule is printed on good, tough material, Tyvec or better, so he
} can't just rip it off, something he's been used to for a while. If
} you can do all that, he'll stick to his schedule.
--- 1242-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise and wise-guy Oracle, why is it that so often when I ask you one
> question, you answer another instead?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It all started back in ancient Greece, when the Vestal Virgins were
} used to protect the herds of sheep from roaming herds of wild cattle.
} Otherwise, the sheep would have been eaten before the wool could be
} harvested. Without that wool, the Italians never would have been able
} to invent the turtleneck sweater. And without turtleneck sweaters, the
} chef at the Ritz Carlton Hotel never could have come up with the recipe
} for Mock Turtle Soup. And that, of course, would mean that the physics
} department at Campbell University would never have put chicken together
} with noodles. Which, in turn, would have lead to a massive outbreak of
} the common cold which couldn't be cured.
}
} And that's why London Bridge is now in Arizona.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of James Burke's "Connections" with the pages
} in the right order.
--- 1242-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Oracle, who has provided me with so much useful advice in
> times gone by, may I trouble you for one more nugget of wisdom?
>
> I like him, and I think he likes me, yet neither of us seem to be doing
> anything about it. Should I make a move, or just carry on as we are now
> and see how it goes? It's all very confusing!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You can always snag a guy by pretending you're helpless. Go up to
} him and pretend that you don't know how to use the key
} on your computer and instead rely on auto line-wrap and send
} out email that is hard to read. He'll chuckle and show you how
} to hit after every 70 key strokes and then you'll both
} fall in love an live happily ever ever. Trust me on this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photo of Putin and GW Bush hugging.
--- 1242-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What hass it got in its packetssss?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Mullog: Not fair! Not fair, not in the riddle RFC!
}
} Oblib once again looked around the sub-basement for an exit sign.
} He just had to get away from this horrid skinny uber-geek with
} his greasy hair, horn rims and pocket protector. Oh if only he
} hadn't got lost on his way to CS 101! And this inane riddle game!
} It had started out nice enough. . .
}
} Mullog: If youses can answer me riddle I'll show you out of the
} sub basementses!
}
} What has root, can be nobody,
} Is in charge of pruning the trees,
} Out, out it's tummy goes
} And yet never up it grows?
}
} That one was easy. Mullog screamed when Oblib answered "A sys
} admin". Then Mullog demanded Oblib ask a riddle. What choice did
} Oblib have?
}
} Oblib: Thirty bright white things in a cold hall,
} First they're in line,
} Then they whine,
} Then they stand still.
}
} It took Mullog awhile, but he answered "CS students reading their
} test scores off the Professor's bulletin board" correctly. Then
} it was Mullog's turn.
}
} Mullog: It cannot be deleted, it you can not cat,
} Cannot be made executable like an .exe or a .bat
} It swallows tail and head,
} An empty hole that some dread.
} Its mounted after the first process and follows after,
} devours files, logs and a large oaken rafter.
}
} Well, the oaken rafter part was pure BS, but still Oblib knew the
} answer was "/dev/null", this bugged Mullog. Then Oblib asked one.
}
} Oblib: A box without Windows, pgp-keys, or a first person shooter
} by id,
} An oldie, a treasure we thought as a kid.
}
} Mullog answered quickly, "A Commodore 64!", then it was time for
} his last riddle, though he didn't know it at the time.
}
} Mullog: Alive with dog breath,
} As old as death;
} Always coffee thirsty, ever beer drinking,
} Reading email, never thesis thinking.
}
} Oblib: A grad student!
}
} Mullog screamed at Oblib's quick reply and then demanded that Oblib
} ask another riddle. But Oblib was all tuckered out and all he could
} come up with was...
}
} Oblib: What's in my packet?
}
} That's when the trouble started. . .
--- 1242-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> OK, so I've been away from RHOD for a good many years. I do two
> tellmes, drain the queue twice at midnight, and start reading the rhod
> newsfroup. AND IT'S LIKE I NEVER LEFT. "Tom \"Tom\" Harrington"
> still has his "quotes", there's still an Australian priest named Ian
> Davis, and every other post has a .sig about some bright red Siamese
> fighting fish.
>
> I mean, you'd think with all the ZOTting that goes on, you'd manage to
> get a change of supplicants in 3 years, no?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's like you never left?! Hey, at least you get to leave, pal!
} What started out as a little favor for Kinzler has turned into a
} 12-year, never-ending nightmare for yours truly.
}
} "Hey Oracle, could you answer an Email or two for me? Some guy asking
} about a woodchuck, or something. I'll buy you lunch."
}
} "Sure, Steve."
}
} Yeah, "sure Steve." Yeesh. Those words haunt me to this day.
} Little did I know that for the price of a Grand Slam breakfast and a
} cup of joe at the Bloomington Denny's, I had been unwittingly forced
} into indentured servitude. ZOTTing does very little to help matters;
} you eviscerate one supplicant with linguine for brains, and there's
} 2 more to take his place.
}
} Sigh... yeah, YOU think nothing's changed? Walk a mile in my shoes,
} buddy.
}
} You owe the Oracle: an end to the pain, the constant, head-splitting,
} pain! MAKE IT STOP! AAAAAAUUGH!
--- 1242-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Vast and Conspiring Oracle, you have me surrounded. Everywhere you
> go, there I am.
>
> What is the best way to avoid paranoia? What if they really ARE out
> to get me? What then?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sorry, but HOMELAND SECURITY has determined that your email can not
} be delivered as written. Please feel free to try again after 5 to
} 10 years.
--- 1242-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, magnificent Oracle, who has never had a hairball or scratched up
> the good couch, please answer my plea before I get back from the litter
> box: I want chicken. I want liver. Why won't Meow Mix please deliver?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Cat: *Steps into store* Hello, is this Meow Mix Inc.?!!
}
} Sales: Yes, how may I help you?
}
} Cat: I ordered Meow Mix, but I couldn't taste the chicken or the liver!
}
} Sales: *Blinks* Er, we don't put chicken or liver in the Meow Mix.
}
} Cat: B-but I thought it was one of those things where it doesn't say in
} the ingredients, but it's THERE!
}
} Sales: Never heard of it.
}
} Cat: What, do you mean I paid $10 for my Meow Mix and--and there's no
} hidden ingredients?
}
} Sales: Sir--
}
} Cat: I'M GONNA SUE! YOU OWE ME CHICKEN-LIVER MEOW MIX!
--- 1242-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wise Oracle, I bow to your superior knowledge and ask the following:
>
> Suppose train A leaves Chicago at 8:55am, bound for Indianapolis at
> 55 mph. Suppose also that train B leaves Indianapolis at 9:30am,
> bound for Chicago *on the same track* at 80 mph.
>
> When, where, and how do they meet?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} They originally meet in a sleazy hotel outside Buffalo. And
} by the time the night was over one of them had a tender
} behind and a little red caboose.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sleeping car with a low berth rate.