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growing up

2017 was a year for many things. For me personally, the things that stuck out the most were the new adventures I took, exploring new countries I’d never been to . The relationships that took new levels and turned into some of those that I value the most now. Acknowledging fears, like the fear of letting someone close to me again and it destroying me…again. Tackling issues like overcoming anxiety bit by bit and overall growing some lady balls. Relationships ending, saying goodbye to those who really didn’t mean anything deep down and in some cases just wanted to use you. And finally learning to just say fuck it sometimes and take a step back so things can sort themselves out.
Overall 2017 wasn’t a bad year for me, but I welcome the new year and the opportunities that will come with it.

Overall I try not to think of my fears. Partly because I’m trying to just live my life and partly because I don’t want to have a random panic attack by over thinking. But if I was to choose one thing I really fear. I honestly think it would be the fear of not being able to have children.

There’s two reasons why I fear this. The first one being infertility. From what I know there are no real problems of infertility in my family. But you never know do you. I mean what if contraception can have a lasting effect to some degree. They say that once you come off contraception, your fertility state will go to what it is meant to be…(Notice how they don’t say, to what it was before you started contraception, as if it will go to whatever fate chooses it to be). So I mean that’s a bit of a worry. But I’ve always seen the whole process of being pregnant and having your own baby as an amazing experience, hard I know…but I’d hate the thought of not being able to conceive.

The second reason I worry about this is because of my lack of partner. When people lay out their life plan they normally want to find a partner, be with them for a few years, get married, have time to themselves for a few more years and then think about having a baby…then if you want more than one, leave a couple of years before trying for another. I’m 23 (not that old I know, but) whenever I hear people talking about the problems that can occur in pregnancy as the person gets older, the age of that person seems to get younger and younger. I always thought the age problems started was 40…now people are saying they can start at 30. I know everyone’s different and it’s just a case that the chance of problems increase…it can still scare the shiz out of you. Especially when your already 23.

I know this is probably just me being a woman and over thinking it, but it is serious stuff. Especially when you know at some point you do want kids. Ok time to stop thinking about it before I freak out!

In the beginning in most cases we’re never alone. As babies, as toddlers, as children we aren’t alone. But then as soon as you become older, your left alone in the big bad world. Which is fine and nice but then after a while you begin to think about it. Are you happy being alone with your own company?

For some people this is quite easy, free at last in a sense. But for others it can prove to be hard. A few of my friends have gone from relationship to relationship and it makes me think, is it just because you don’t want to be alone? I mean I’ve been single for a while now, so yeah I can see the appeal of wanting to be with someone because your bored or yourself and want something different again. But then I can also see the other side of it.

For me when I first ‘fell in love’ that was everything. It’s was new, exciting…but to be completely honest I lost myself. I got so into the relationship that I didn’t know what it was like to just be me anymore. That was the hardest thing. Now I’m not saying I’m completely anti-relationship now because of it, but it makes you a bit more wiser I guess.

So overall I think what I’m trying to say is you need to be happy alone, so that you don’t lose yourself. I know everyone’s different mentally but for me that was something that happened, and it is hard to come back from it. But it’s a lesson to learn!

The best way to be happy with someone, is to be happy alone. That way the company will be a matter of choice…not a necessity.