Jewish Humor Central is a daily publication to start your day with news of the Jewish world that's likely to produce a knowing smile and some Yiddishe nachas. It's also a collection of sources of Jewish humor--anything that brings a grin, chuckle, laugh, guffaw, or just a warm feeling to readers.
Our posts include jokes, satire, books, music, films, videos, food, Unbelievable But True, and In the News. Some are new, and some are classics. We post every morning, Sunday through Friday. Enjoy!

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Today we celebrate the holiday of Purim which started last night with the reading of Megillat Esther. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our
Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from
the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by
clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There
are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars). But who needs them when
the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers. Jewish Humor Central is proud
to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that
there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films
released in 2018 merited consideration for this prestigious award. Today we are
announcing the winners of the annual competition. Here are the best films of
2018 with a brief description of each one.

AQUAMAN: An excitement and CGI-packed story of Nachshon
ben Aminadav, the first to jump into the Red Sea before the waters parted.A QUIET PLACE: A time-traveling Haman goes from shul to shul on
Purim, devastated to discover that no matter where he goes, his name gets
booed. A STAR (ESTHER) IS BORN: Before she was a queen, she was an
aspiring country singer. Then she found someone who believed in her. The Esther
and Mordechai story gets the Hollywood treatment, starring Lady Gaga and
Bradley Cooper.AT ETERNITY’S GATE: When the Rabbi's Yom Kippur sermon nears
the two-hour mark, congregants begin to daydream about a myriad of ways they
can end his contract.BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: Inspired by 'the '80's hit
"Footloose", this spirited musical highlights one brave cantor's
efforts to engage his millennial congregants with updated rock-inspired Shabbos
Niggunim, while facing fierce opposition from their traditional parents.BUMBLEBEE: A bee who's had it with the annual production demands
for Rosh Hashanah honey decides to unionize his hive.CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?: One woman's year-long journey of
redemption after accidentally serving her Passover guests Kitniyot. FREE SOLO: Chaos ensues when the shul's kiddush committee
announces that in preparation for Pesach, they are giving away all the shul's
plastic cups on a first-come, first-serve basis.INSTANT FAMILY: A newly-married ultra-Orthodox woman’s job is
done when she learns that she’s pregnant with octuplets.OCEAN’S EIGHT: When two of their friends cancel, a group of eight
observant Jews sadly spend their beach weekend trying to find two Jews to round
out their minyan.RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET: Ralph comes back from a second year at
an ultra-Orthodox yeshiva believing that the internet is forbidden, but his
attempts to destroy the family router are thwarted when he discovers his
parents have become obsessed with watching Shtisel on Netflix. RIVERDALE: Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica meet their new
neighbors, ten modern Orthodox couples who just moved into the Imperial and are
all expecting.SKIN: The Rebbetzin shocks an entire community when her
'flesh'- colored sleeves and stockings look too much like the real thing.SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDERVERSE: A multi-generational epic
about a family of trapeze artists that have volunteered to check one
community's Eruv for more than 100 years- using highly unorthodox
methods. THE CAPTAIN MARVELOUS MRS. SHTISEL: The ultimate origin story of
a Haredi woman turned standup comic turned superhero.THE FAVOURITE: When three children all become doctors, their
parents start ranking them by how many grandchildren they've produced.THE WIFE: After a group of struggling yeshiva students takes on
more Pesach kashering gigs than they can possibly handle, they secretly hire
their Rebbe's wife to teach them the secrets of making Pesach in half the time
(web series spin-off coming soon). VICE: Inspired by the best-selling book “Murder at the Minyan,” a
synagogue’s vice president is accused of murdering family members of his
congregants to keep the daily minyan up and running.WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?: In a small town filled with Shabbat
observers, a non-Jewish family is wined and dined by locals, all hoping to live
next to the Shabbos goy.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

This year
Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther tonight. It
is read again tomorrow morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our
Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from
the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by
clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.
And coming tomorrow - Part 3 of our Purim spoof:Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2017.

Rabbis Establish New Blessings

for Today’s Secular Encounters

FAIR LAWN, March 21 —Rabbis of all denominations worldwide have come together to propose an update to their traditional siddurim (prayer books) in the category of Birkat Hanehenin (prayers for various occasions.)

Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform prayer books already have special prayers for such occasions as hearing good news, recovering from a serious illness, or escaping from danger. But until today there have been no special prayers for coping to mark modern situations.

The proposed new prayers ask for God’s guidance in undertaking new ventures such as going on a JDate or entering a voting booth, and expressing gratitude to God for ending a government shutdown.

The rabbis also voted to include a new series of Al Chet confessions in the traditional Yom Kippur liturgy, focusing on misdeeds that may emerge from secular world encounters like those covered by these new prayers.

ON GOING ON A FIRST JDATE Blessed art thou....who creates diverse species.

ON ENTERING A VOTING BOOTH May it be thy will that we make wise choices.

ON SURFING THE INTERNET Tefilat Haderech (Prayer for starting a perilous journey)

ON STARTING TO STREAM A NEW TV SERIES May it be thy will that every episode be worth our time watching it.

ON COMPLETING A TV SERIES: Hadran alach (insert name of TV series) v’hadran alan (same prayer as said upon completion of a volume of Talmud.)

ON SENDING AN E-MAIL MESSAGE: May it be thy will that this message not be hacked and not find its way to Wikileaks.

ON OPENING A WEB LINK IN AN E-MAIL MESSAGE: May it be thy will that this link will lead us only to Torah, chuppah, and doesn’t install a virus and cause my computer to crash.

ON SUBSCRIBING TO FACEBOOK: May we be protected from sending and receiving lashon hara.

ON BOARDING A FLIGHT TO LAS VEGAS May it be thy will that we hit the jackpot this time.

ON THE END OF A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN: Blessed art thou.....for restoring sanity to elected officials.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

This year
Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night March 20. It
is read again on Thursday morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our
Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from
the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by
clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.
And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Rabbis Establish New Blessings for Today’s Secular Encounters..

FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 21 – As election fever heats up in Israel and the U.S., Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump shocked the world by announcing “the deal of the century.”

Trump and Netanyahu will report to the United States Embassy in Jerusalem where they will resign their current posts and swap citizenships. Then both leaders will officially enter the election races in their newly adopted countries as independent candidates.

With a handshake to seal the deal, the two leaders acknowledged that the swap was influenced by their popularity decline in their own countries and their increased popularity in their newly adopted countries.

Opposition parties in both countries reacted immediately with alarm, setting off rallies in Washington and Jerusalem to protest the “collusion” between right-wing factions in Israel and the U.S. and “obstruction” of their time-tested electoral processes.

Both left-wing and right-wing coalitions challenged Netanyahu’s right to become an American citizen overnight, but yesterday President Trump signed an executive order giving Bibi an exemption because he “looks and speaks like an American.”

Similar opposition in Israel challenged Trump’s right to become an Israeli citizen overnight, but yesterday Prime Minister Netanyahu signed a similar order granting an exemption to Trump because of his recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s eternal capital and moving the U. S. Embassy to Jerusalem.

The Trump-Netanyahu pact left political parties and agendas in disarray in both countries. Members of Congress and the Knesset would not comment on any policy changes both governments face as a result of the swap.

Both leaders said that after winning their elections they will outlaw political correctness and moral equivalence in favor of increased security profiling.

The unusual swap also prompted an inquiry into traditional electoral processes in both countries. The U.S. electoral system has already been under review since the 2016 election; Israel is now convening its own review of how its prime minister has traditionally been selected. The expected leadership change may prompt process changes, as well.

Monday, March 18, 2019

It's another Monday and time for another joke to start the week. This week we're sharing a golf joke from the Old Jews Telling Jokes collection by Neurologist Marvin Rachelefsky.

Here's the setup: "I'm on the golf course with my son, and we start to see lightning and hear thunder. As a physician, I'm worried about that lightning. It's a killer." And then...

Enjoy!

A
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DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY. YOU MUST CLICK ON THE
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Sunday, March 17, 2019

In 2014 Israeli
satire on TV took a bold step forward with the airing of a new series of
sketches called HaYehudim Ba'im (The Jews Are Coming).
Written by Natalie Marcus and Asaf Beiser, the show asks questions about
everything, from the Bible to Ben Gurion to the Ashkenazi leadership. Their
approach is to go into the texts and make you think. They say that they
give all their subjects a critical look, but they're not attacking, just giving
the story a fresh, modern look.

The series
ran for three seasons on Israeli TV, all in Hebrew. Some of the half-hour
episodes were divided into video clips and published on YouTube with English
subtitles.

Not all of
the situations are Biblical. Some, like today's video about kissing a
mezuzah, take a satiric look at activities in Jewish life.

IF YOU DON'T SEE THE ENGLISH SUBTITLES, CLICK ON THE SETTINGS ICON AT
THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN AND CLICK ON "HEBREW-ENGLISH SUBTITLES."

Enjoy!

A
SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS: THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE
DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY. YOU MUST CLICK ON THE
TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM
WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

Thanks for Sharing 90 Minutes of Laughter

Thanks to the 575 fans who attended our special program on The Great Jewish Comedians on March 6 at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton. If you want to bring Al and any of his programs to your community, contact www.jewishsppeakersbureau.com.

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Jewish Humor Central Staff

Contact the Jewish Speakers Bureau Now to Book Program and Lecture Dates for 2019 and 2020

Now is the time to book our Jewish humor programs and lectures for your 2019 and 2020 events in South Florida and the Northeast. Book any of our 20 popular programs including "The Great Jewish Comedians", “Israel is a Funny Country”, and "Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places." Click above for details and videos. To book a program, contact www.JewishSpeakersBureau.com.

BUY OUR LATEST BOOK IN PAPERBACK AND GET THE KINDLE VERSION (E-BOOK) FREE!

Buy our latest book "Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places" from Amazon in paperback for $9.95 and Amazon will offer you the Kindle (e-book) version free of charge. You can read the Kindle (e-book) on any computer, tablet, or smart phone with a Kindle reader that you can download free from Amazon. You can give the print version as a gift and keep the Kindle version for yourself. The book presents 150 anecdotes and associated video clips that reveal the myriad ways that Jewish culture, religion, humor, music, song, and dance have found expression in parts of the world that, at first glance, might not seem supportive of Jewish Life. It includes 50 videos of Hava Nagila being performed from Texas to Thailand, from India to Iran, and from Buenos Aires to British Columbia. Also highlighted are 34 international versions of Hevenu Shalom Aleichem, Adon Olam, Abanibi, and Tumbalalaika. Whether you’re reading the print version and typing in the video URLs or reading the e-book version and clicking on the links, you’ll have access to 150 video clips totaling more than 10 hours of video. Enjoy!

Buy "Israel is a Funny Country" and Amazon will give you a free copy of the Kindle edition

Amazon.com is running a promotion of the Kindle Edition of our book, "Israel is a Funny Country." If you buy the paperback edition, Amazon will give you the Kindle edition free under their MatchBook program. After you order the book, return to the book page and click on Kindle Edition. The price will change from $2.99 to $0.00. Amazon offers free Kindle reading apps so you can read any Kindle book on your PC, Mac, Kindle, iPad, iPhone, or Android smartphone.

Now is the time to book our Jewish Humor Shows and Lectures for your synagogue, JCC, or club.

Bring Al's Jewish humor lectures and comedy programs with the funniest videos on the Internet to your community and your synagogue, club, JCC, organization or private event. We're taking reservations now for February 2018 dates in Florida and 2017 and 2018 dates in your community . Click above for details. To book a program, contact www.JewishSpeakersBureau.com.

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Add Laughter to Your Purim Celebration. Order Now From Amazon.com.

The Kustanowitz Kronikle - 25 Purim newsletters from 1988 to 2012 filled with parody, satire, and spoofs. Available now from Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.. A great gift for the hosts of your Purim Seudah.

The Best of Jewish Humor Central - Now Available in eBook and Paperback at Amazon.com

The Best of Jewish Humor Central - More than 400 video clips, including music and comedy videos for all the Jewish holidays. View them on Your PC, Mac, Kindle Fire, iPad, iPhone, iTouch, Android Tablet and Smartphone. Click on the image above to peek inside and download a free sample. And now, a paperback edition for anyone who prefers a traditional book and doesn't mind typing the URLs instead of clicking on them.

About the Publisher and Editor-in-Chief

Al Kustanowitz, Jewish Humor Central's Publisher and Editor-in-Chief, has collected Jewish humor even before there was an internet. For the last 25 years he has been editor and publisher of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.
Al is a member of the Jewish Speakers Bureau.
Want to contact us? Just send email to akustan@gmail.com.