This Christmas, I’m boycotting a certain Canadian parka brand because they won’t ship the jacket I want to the UK. They won’t even deliver to my mum’s back home and let me pay with a British credit card! I can’t be expected to arrive in Toronto, in December, without adequate weather protection. I no longer have Canadian blood – it’s official. The last time I dragged my basic fish and chips body across the Atlantic, it was so cold that I wanted to eat everything that looked warmer than me to absorb its power. The list included, but was not limited to, swaddled babies in cuddly prams. I wish I wasn’t going at all. The holidays are the worst time to travel and ISIS aren’t making things any easier. I wasn’t a fan of crowded airports before the imminent threat of terror attacks, so this year I’ll need to be doubly sedated just to get on that plane. So at least some good news.

If you’re struggling for gift ideas, my advice is to give experiences rather than things. Some internet genius edited together two clips to make it look like Mariah Carey is being forced to watch Ariana Grande sing ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ during an interview. I laughed at her facial expression for three whole days. If you don’t know what I’m on about, then sorry, you might not be gay. Find this, copy it onto a USB or send it in an email and you’ve got yourself a nice present.

My daughter collects these tiny toys inspired by grocery items, but with faces. When she’s not shopping for them or scattering them across my kitchen floor, she’s watching YouTube videos of them being opened. She’s at maximum crap capacity. I’m not buying her another item of any physical mass this Christmas. Instead, she’s getting lessons from a YouTuber on how to create her own stupid videos. When I was her age and my mother decided I had enough toys, she bought me a goat. Well, a goat in my name for a family in a third world country. They got chickens for my birthday.

Mum and I will be spending a few days in New York, and what she doesn’t know is that I’ve arranged to have her face and neck heated up with a painful laser. It’s this new collagen treatment I want, so I thought I’d test it out on her to find out if it’s safe. My sister wants to go back to this creepy salt
water swimming pool where ladies walk around naked. It’s like a body-positive Playboy Mansion but without an old man in the middle.

Wherever you are this holiday season, I hope you make lasting memories with the people you love. And let’s all stop buying so much shit.