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5 Properties that Should NEVER be Movies

Let’s be honest. Unless the world ends sometime very, very soon, your favorite ‘whatever’ will be made into a movie. Book, show, video game, whatever. It will be made into a movie even if it’s not called by it’s own name. No Smallville movie, no, but Superman has seen his share of screen time. No Law & Order but c’mon- there’s a million crime/thrillers already. Alan Moore deemed Watchmen (2009) unfilmable, but bam, we’ve had it for three years now.

Based on the fact that comic book movies aren’t going away and there are a hundred thousand (the exact number) other propeties to be mined, rest assured, what you love will eventually be molested by Hollywood’s grubby little fingers. Or made love to, it’s a split decision. I don’t want to act as though Hollywood does nothing justice. Dark Knight of course is the greatest example, while plenty of others get their due.

Could anyone have done Sherlock Holmes (2008) the way Guy Ritchie delivered it? Could anyone have gotten ahold of Daredevil (2003) and made it as awesome as Ben Affleck did? That last sentence was a terrible joke and I’m sorry I typed it, but in all honesty, Daredevil is part of the reason I’m writing this. Such a great character with basic, creative plots, and we get a cross eyed Ben Affleck making kissy-face with his future wife.

This was supposed to be my favorite character brought to life, using his crazy senses, flipping off buildings and throwing rapists through glass windows in bars, not picking out his next wife.

But for better or worse, the next properties mentioned ultimately remain untouched. Mostly. I bring them to light not to say that Hollywood couldn’t make them in one way or another- but that they just shouldn’t.

1. Metal Gear Solid

You have no idea how hard it was to choose a single picture…

What it is: Metal Gear is a series of video games that is predominantly stealth based while action/shooting is still a strong factor. It centers around Snake, a secret agent who is kind of a James Bond meets Wolverine character.

The object of the majority of the games is to infiltrate a base that’s been taken over by a group of super-terrorists who are threatening some sort of global catastrophe if they don’t get what they want. They plan on carrying out their threats with a walking nuclear arsenal known as Metal Gear. Your mission as Snake is to sneak in, destroy Metal Gear, rescue whatever hostages there are, and “subdue” (that means ‘kill’ the spy world) your enemies.

The amazing score, the well-choreographed action, the intriguing characters and the story would all make for an awesome movie, right?

Nope.

“But I’m…I’m amazing…”

While it all sounds like a more high-stakes Die Hard, the core of the game and what makes it distinct is exactly why it couldn’t be accurately made into film. While infiltrate and destroy is an easy enough objective, the stories have a way of getting…deep the further in Snake gets.

Leaving the sequels alone (Metal Gear Solid 2 being the most convoluted), the first Metal Gear Solid involves a cyborg ninja who Snake defeated on the battlefield years earlier in the first two Nintendo games that many fans aren’t even aware of. Snake turns out to be a clone of a former soldier-turned-anarchist, while the leader of the terrorists that takeover the facility in the first game turns out to be Snake clone brother. It’s awesome, I promise.

More awesome than the protagonist can even handle.

The other members of the terrorist cell only add to the uniqueness of the game (as well as some mind-blowing boss battles that couldn’t translate to film) but would have to be left out for timing reasons alone. One in-game cinematic in MGS: 4 is an hour and half long by itself, which of course leaves out other cutscenes and playing time (which is where the majority of the action takes place). Am I leaving anything out? Heck yeah, but we only have so much room.

Contingency Plan for when Hollywood decides to Make it: The only thing that could be done if Hollywood were to make this into film is to make it a separate mission not based on the game, but more of a side story of Snake’s. Preferably just CGI, although the game’s creator said he’s not interested in a CG movie.

Thankfully, since Hideo Kojima, the man behind the Snake, will only let a movie go forward if he has control, nothing is being done at the moment because he doesn’t want them screwing it up.

Christian Bale had expressed interest at one point though, which is kind of cool even if they shouldn’t make it. In any case, the games being so long and nearly everything being as vital as it is to the awesomeness of it all would call for most everything being cut out. And we all know how well video games and movies have done before. Freaking great.

2. Cowboy Bebop

What it is: In the year 2071, man has moved outward to the stars, creating colonies on a few neighboring planets and different cultures run wild.

But where there are people, there will always be crime, and even in the future, there’s plenty of it. Enter the bounty hunters, also called cowboys, and they’re all about the paycheck. Cops can’t catch everybody and in many occasions, cops are just as bad. Our main group we follow is a band of misifts on an old fishing ship called the “Bebop.”

The characters and their interactions are what make the show so great while the bizarre setting in space is what makes it just that much more fun. Think the Mos Eisley cantina scene minus aliens but adding a more Japanese flair. Or just the Blade Runner setting.

Dogfights, gunfights, Jazz, and a corgi, this 26-episode series is ripe for adaption while the script itself would call for way more money than any studio would want to put into it. Especially since it would more than likely need to be R for violence. Based on one of the most popular animes of all time, it’s what got me out of thinking Japanese people were only about people with cat ears.

Contingency Plan for when Hollywood decides to Make it: Don’t go the regular Hollywood route of thinking that we need to be exposed to everything an entire series has to offer in an hour and fifty minutes. Show a couple planets at most and mention the others.

Movies that don’t know whether or not a sequel will be made show everything, glazed over in one movie, something the makers behind the Avengers movies have done well with not taking part of.

Who…who did this?

Currently, Cowboy Bebop is in development hell which is where it should stay. Keanu Reeves got ahold of a script but claimed that the budget for it would be too much so they’re reworking it. Reeves is slated to play the main role of Spike should it ever move forward.

No offense to Reeves, but with him as the character they’re already off to a terrible start. Not only is Keanu twice the age of the character, I just found out that I’ve been living a lie thinking Reeves is from California or something. HE’S CANADIAN. They cannot allow this project to gain steam. I want the Cowboy Bebop script to be Matthew McConnaughey in Reign of Fire and I want the word “NO” to be the dragon.

What it is: Admittedly, this is kind of bending the rules since some people tell me that Deadpool’s already been in a movie and is getting his own. I can’t refute that he’s getting his own movie because I can’t see the future, while I don’t recognize this “Deadpool” they tell me is already in a movie.

I was told that he had a part in 2009’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine and that he was played by Ryan Reynolds. I’m also told that he was the character who shot lasers out of his eyes, had swords longer than his forearms come out of said forearms, his mouth melted shut, and had teleporting abilities. He was also the pride and joy operated by William Stryker to take out Wolverine. He also only wore red pants.

The above described, in no way resembles Deadpool, the loud mouth mercenary who got his regeneration ability from Wolverine, which also drove him insane. He’s an expert in martial arts, swordplay, and guns. His outfit is one of the greatest in comics and the plot for a movie could be great and simple.

But this is clearly a character past Hollywood’s understanding, since they seemed to think they could just make up a character a seven-year old would think of and call it Deadpool.

What is HAPPENING in this shot? I DEMAND to know what’s going here NOW!

Contingency Plan for when Hollywood decides to Make it: Take Ryan Reynolds out. He’s become too beautiful for the mask-wearing, permanently scarred Deadpool we know and love. The only suggestion for a film is to make it R-rated, and true to the source. A motor mouthed anti-hero (if a hero at all) who uses his skills to make money.

Throw a couple C-list characters in there with nice little makeover if necessary while keeping the dark humor intact. This ain’t no origins. The reason this shouldn’t be made though is not for lack of potential, rather that Hollywood has already shown us what they’d do with the character.

The closest thing they’d do is what Stephen Sommers did with Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 2009’s GI Joe by hiding him with prosthetics and dubbing his voice to give it that gravely tone Deadpool’s known to have. But you see there? I’m already scaring myself by comparing a future Deadpool movie to GI Joe. We’ll leave it at that.

4. The Divine Comedy

What it is: Right off, no, I am not comparing Deadpool to The Divine Comedy. There, I admitted it. Now let’s move on. We all know what The Divine Comedy is, or I would at least hope we’ve heard of it. In 1308, Dante Alighieri began writing an epic poem divided into three parts: Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso.

The first part and possibly the most famous, Inferno, describes Dante’s descent in Hell itself, where he meets many literary and historical figures, telling him about their own pitfalls and the horrors they now endure.

The entire story is considered to be one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written, many making it second only to the Bible. The engraving art by Gustave Dore is also synonymous with the stories themselves and are about as haunting as any film as ever given us.

The closest thing we have to it these days in film are multiple black and white versions, some even dating back to the silent era. There’s the video game, loosely based on the book and then there’s What Dreams May Come starring Robin Williams, which I can’t like no matter how much I try.

That last one is of course, based on the book for What Dreams May Come, but a very similar principle, if not the opposite in the climaxes. Ya just can’t do it justice.

Contingency Plan for when Hollywood decides to Make it:One story at a time, screenwriters. One of them is enough itself, much less trying to shove all three Heaven, Hell and Purgatory in there. Get the two greatest actors who are alive right now for the roles of Dante and Virgil, and then a bunch of weird-as-all-hell theater actors to play the roles of the tormented souls.

I’m not talking about Tim Burton-dark humor-goth kid tormented either. I’m talking about horror movie-with-taste/ give-a-grown-man-nightmares type tormented. And no, you’re not allowed to fit in any cameos because Johnny Depp thinks it would be cool to hold his own head.

Sure, I’ve wanted to see Channing Tatum with no head, but not reciting a man that predates Shakespeare. in the end, like the title of the article says, this just shouldn’t be made into a movie at all.

But seriously, let’s get in line for head-chopping duties.

5. Shadow of the Colossus

What it is:While Metal Gear Solid and its sequels are nearly unfilmable (properly) due to their complexity, Colossus may be unfilmable because of it simplicity.

A boy brings his deceased girlfriend to a “forbidden” land to try and contact an excommunicated entity in an attempt to bring his love back to life. Armed with only his horse, a bow and arrow, and a magic sword, The “Wander” must defeat sixteen colossi that inhabit the otherwise dead land. Once all sixteen have been defeated, the entity promises to bring his girlfriend to life.

The “biggest” problem is that the colossi are named that for a reason; taking many forms, each one is a massive beast made up of the elements and finding their weak spot is only the beginning while getting to the weak spot is another challenge.

Set to music, a setting, and a pace only video games can deliver; how a budget and properly translated story would be put together is beyond me. Because of the uniqueness of the beasts and the fact that it doesn’t get old to play it yourself, simply watching it onscreen could easily get old, even if they did nail the perfect tone.

Contingency Plan for when Hollywood decides to Make it: The producer of The Scorpion King, Kevin Mishner has been trying to produce a film adaption for years but it seems to no avail. I have pretty much no ways that this game could be made into a good movie while retaining the actual feel of the game.

Amazing action scenes would have to be reduced to a montage.

A few different writers have been attached at different points but in 2012, Chronicle director Josh Trank has been rumored to direct but nothing else has come of it. Just leave this one alone, gentleman.