As you know, after Dogbert conquers the planet, we will become his New
Ruling Class. Those who are not in the DNRC (the Induhviduals) will
be our domestic servants. But we should not forget our humble beginnings.
To that end, I bring you...

A True Possum Story
-------------------

When you own a house, there is no shortage of unpleasant and disgusting
tasks that must be performed on a regular basis. Eventually, Induhviduals
will handle those chores. For now, Pam and I divide the labor for
disgusting tasks this way: Pam alerts me that a disgusting task must
be performed, then I perform it. This system has worked well for
spider assassinations, clogged shower drains, toxic spills, and all manner
of cat box issues. Recently Pam alerted me that a possum was at the
bottom of the swimming pool. My job was to get it out.

This was my most challenging job yet.

As a vegetarian, I can only handle seeing dead animals up to a certain
size before I get a serious case of the heebie jeebies. I'm not too
bothered looking at dead bugs and mice, under the theory that "they are
little." But this possum was way above my heebie jeebie threshold.
Worse yet, possums are notorious for pretending to be dead. I wasn't
about to be fooled by the oldest trick in the animal kingdom.

I looked carefully to see if the possum was breathing through a thin
reed of some sort. I saw nothing. Nor did I see any air tanks
or diving apparatus. The only possibility was that he was holding
his breath. I checked the Internet to see how long a possum can hold
its breath. Apparently much research needs to be done in that area.

As luck would have it, today was the day the pool cleaning service was
scheduled to clean the pool. If I pretended I didn't know there was
a possum down there, the pool guy would have to fish it out. That
way HE would be the one embarrassed by the possum's trickery. The
only problem with that approach is that if the possum was really dead,
the pool guy would have to leave it somewhere. He certainly wasn't going
to take it with him in the truck. ("Here, little buddy, you ride
shotgun.") If I were the pool guy, I'd be mad that I had to take
a possum out of a pool. For revenge, I'd try to think up a funny
place to put it, like in the hammock.

So I decided to take care of the job myself. I took the pool-cleaning
apparatus that has a shallow net on the end of a long pole. That
is the preferred tool for possum removal. Not only can it reach the
bottom of the pool, but because it's long, it has the leverage you need
to fling the possum over the fence and into the neighbor's pool.

This method worked well. The only problem is that every other
day the possum is back in my pool. I expect some tension at the next
neighborhood block party.

Managing Your Boss
------------------

This report from a DNRC member is a good example of how to manage your
boss:

My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that
any paper left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to
fill out a form to get it back. So we left all our garbage paper on our
desks every night. In a week, the boss had an office full of garbage and
we never heard about the policy again.

Sports That Are Better Than Soccer
----------------------------------

My philosophy is that when something works well, you should do more
of it. For example, you've probably heard of a popular annual event
in Spain called The Running of the Bulls. This sport involves letting
loose many angry bulls in a narrow street while Induhviduals run for their
lives. Meanwhile, DNRC members with video cameras observe from a
safe distance, hoping to capture gruesome footage that can be sold to the
media.

The Running of the Bulls is fine for Induhviduals who like to run.
But what of the more sedentary Induhviduals? Shouldn't they too have
the opportunity to be attacked by angry animals?

I suggest an event that I tentatively call Pummeled by Monkeys.
Induhviduals would be locked in a mobile home with dozens of angry monkeys.
I haven't worked out the details, but I think you can see how entertaining
that would be. Pummeled by Monkeys would have to be marketed as an
"extreme sport" so no one got upset about the death toll.

True Tales From Corporate Life
------------------------------

A DNRC member passed along this story from the Daily Telegraph in Great
Britain:

"Managers on a training course were so keen to please their company
that they agreed to run barefoot across a bed of hot embers in a test of
mind over matter. Three of them sustained burnt feet and had to have
time off work. Now the firm is to review its motivational techniques....Only
one of the 63 managers on the motivation day training session refused the
run..."

[Editorial note: It's easy to spot the one DNRC member in any
crowd. And it goes without saying that the training course is run
by DNRC pranksters who enjoy watching junior executives roast themselves.]

My Mail Bag
------------

My readers are always quick to suggest ways I can improve my work, as
in this message:

Dear Mr. Adams,

It has always been acceptable to express expletives in comic strips
with symbols such as @#$!#. But I have never seen anyone do what
you did last week when you used something like #$@%ing in your strip.
By adding the "ing" you left nothing to the imagination. You might
as well have used the word that the reader was forced to decipher.
You used poor judgment. Please don't do it again, @$$hole.

---

I received an emotional letter of complaint after a strip in which Dilbert
used the expression "jeepers cripes." The writer chastised me for
using the Lord's name in vain.

I can only pray that the almighty Gosh will not darn me to heck for
offending his son, Jeepers.

Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------

In this section, Dogbert answers my mail. These are based on real
e-mail to me. The names have been changed to make them sound funnier.

Dear Mr. Adams,

I am nine years old. Can you tell me how to draw Dilbert?

Todd

--

Dear Toad,

With your right hand, take a pencil and press it against a blank piece
of paper. Now do this:

I'm sure you get this all the time, but do you have any Dilbert comics
that you can e-mail to me?

Dennis

Dear Dense,

We used to have some Dilbert comics, but we e-mailed them to other people.
You should have asked sooner.

Sincerely,

Dogbert

Dilbert TV Show
---------------

The season premiere of Dilbert is October 5th on UPN. We're moving
to Tuesday nights at 8 p.m./7 Central (local airtimes may vary).
Next season's shows look much better than our rookie year. Now the animators
are in a groove, we have an idea of what works and what doesn't, and we're
writing to the strengths of the actors.

Pranks On Induhviduals
----------------------

I loved this report from a young DNRC operative:

I am 14 years old. My best friend from school is a nice guy but
a total "information hog." I was paired with him on a project about
Native Americans.

My friend, being an information hog, never gave me the information that
I needed to finish my project. I decided to teach him a lesson. I
created a fake web page that had lots of information on the tribe we were
assigned to study. The information was completely made up, but not
to the point where you'd know, unless you were our teacher, who is an expert
on Native Americans.

I told my friend that I found a web site where you can get all the info
you could ever want. He was all over it. A week later, my friend
got up in front of the class and gave his wonderful report. I was looking
back at the teacher as she shook her head and made notes with a red pen.
My friend's grade was "Not Up To Full Potential." He still doesn't
know what the problem was.

True Tales Of Induhviduals
--------------------------

Those Induhviduals continue to amaze and amuse. Here now, some
reports from DNRC operatives in the field:

---

I was taking an "Assertiveness Training Seminar" sponsored by the American
Management Association. The first day, 1.5 hours into the training
session, an Induhvidual announced, "What? This is assertiveness training?"
After we asked which class he was supposed to be in, he replied -- get
this -- "Self Awareness." I think he was lucky to be in the right
building.

---

While riding with an Induhvidual, I noticed that she did not look behind
her while pulling out of a parking space. So I asked her about it.
She said that she could not see behind her. I explained that she could
turn her body around or possibly look in the rear view mirror. She
rolled her eyes and told me that they only did that in the movies.

God help us all.

---

I was working on an IC layout when my boss nudged me away from my keyboard
and said "I'll show you how to do it." Followed by "What do I type to start."

---

The cafeteria at work has announced its latest plans. They have
displayed big signs saying "Customers: Our Most Important Ingredient."

Stay clear of the meatballs!!

---

I was at a store and overheard two cashiers behind the counter chatting
as one of them was ringing up my purchase.

Cashier 1: "When's the Super Bowl?"

Cashier 2: "I think it's on Thanksgiving."

Cashier 1: (laughs) "It's not on Thanksgiving,
it's in a couple of weeks."

Cashier 1: "Well, isn't there a big holiday right
around Thanksgiving?"

At which point I said, "Yes. Thanksgiving."

Ironically, the store where this took place was Oregon Public Broadcasting's
"Store of Knowledge."

---

I work in a video store. One day a man called up and asked me, "What
videos do you have?" This seemed a bit strange, but I thought I would
give it a try. I replied, "We have lots. What kind did you have in mind?"
He simply said, "Well, I don't really know. Could you just tell me what
you have?"

---

I can't believe the phone call I just got. An Induhvidual named Tiffany
from AIDS Walk was trying to reach someone named "Al." All she knew
is that "Al" worked at my company. Apparently, her organization had
sent "Al" a fax in August about the upcoming fundraiser, and Tiffany wanted
to see if "Al" was organizing a group for the walk. She even spelled the
name for me: "All."

We found the fax. And sure enough ...it was addressed to "All."

---

I am an insurance claims analyst. After much negotiation with
a particular Induhvidual, she finally agreed to settle her insurance claim
for fifteen hundred dollars. I mailed a release to her and was surprised
to receive a very irate telephone call from her about two days later.
She accused me of trying to cheat her. I asked, "Doesn't the release
form say fifteen hundred dollars?" She answered, "No, it says
'one thousand, five hundred dollars.'"

---

[Note: I left this one in the original wording because I liked
his closing line so much.]

I live in Brazil. I work on computers. The new manager has discovered
that he needs a modem on his computer, so he calls me.

Recently we underwent a reorganization and my boss wanted a new catchy
name for our group. Without any input from us, he decided to call our group
"Product Information Systems" or PIS for short. A particularly witty
co-worker asked to make up some posters with our new name to let everyone
know of the name change. Our boss agreed. My co-worker made
up posters and put them all over the office that said "PIS. We're
#1" in big yellow letters. My boss changed our name back.

---

A student complained that he could not format his paper properly.
It turns out that he had typed his paper in Excel, entering one word in
each cell.

---

At my last job, the accounting group decided to have a lunchtime barbecue.
The engineering group was watching from inside the building while the accountants
set up their grill and tables. The accounting supervisor came out with
a two-gallon can of acetone, borrowed from the manufacturing group, and
soaked the charcoal. The engineers pounded on the windows and waved
frantically to try and discourage the lighting of the match. The
accountants waved back, happy to be noticed.

After the fireball, they found the grill about ten feet away and the
dazed supervisor about five feet away. The accountants went hungry that
day.

---

Overheard, the following exchange between the judge and a prospective
juror at the Montgomery Court of the Common Pleas in Norristown.

Judge: Is there any reason why any of you can't serve on the panel?

Citizen: Uh..I'm real busy with month-end closing and they absolutely
NEED me at work. No one else can do my job, so I can't spend two
days in a trial.

Judge: Well, what would happen if you got sick tonight and couldn't
go to work for a couple of days?

Citizen: Oh, no problem, they'd just cover for me.

Judge: Sit DOWN!

Citizen: Uh.....uh.....oooooooooooohhhh.

--

Scottsdale was recently holding elections for city
council. My favorite sign was one that said "Hannah Goldstein
- Solutions, Not Slogans."

Ms. Goldstein won the election.

--

While I was a student at Cambridge University, England, there were several
large bomb attacks on the city of London. On hearing that the IRA
had claimed responsibility for the latest attack, an Induhvidual was heard
to say "I don't understand why they claim responsibility. If I was
a terrorist and had planted a bomb I wouldn't want anyone to know it was
me." I told her she should work in PR.

---

I work at a small software company. We ordered six personal computers,
for delivery to our building. One disappeared while it was still
in our shipping department. We asked around and no one knew what
happened to it. So we checked the shipping records to make sure all
six were delivered. Sure enough, all six were delivered. But
in the same records, recorded a day later, a mystery package, weighing
exactly the same weight as one of the computers, was shipped to the home
of one of the people in the shipping department. Duh!

Wise-Ass DNRC Comments
----------------------

Here are some wise-ass comments from oh-so-witty DNRC members and a
few attempts from Induhviduals:

Last week we had a meeting, introducing the project team to our new
team leader. The pointy-haired boss was in attendance. The
new team leader noticed that he and the boss were similarly dressed and
asked, "What movie does this remind you of?" Almost immediately,
one of our team members said, "Dumb and Dumber." After the laughter
died down, the boss asked, "Which one am I?" This question got less
laughter and no response.

Coincidentally, the person that replied to the question turned in his
notice yesterday.

---

I work in a television station as a news photographer. Recently a young
reporter was having trouble writing copy for a story and I helped her with
what I thought was a well-turned phrase. My suggested phrase included
a word that she didn't know, and she said she didn't like using a word
if she didn't know its definition.

I quipped, "The words you don't know could fill the dictionary."

She thought she was defending herself when she responded, "Yeah, but
it would have to be a big one."

---

While counseling a colleague for all the alcohol on his expense report,
he countered with "I took the extra insurance at the car rental booth."

---

A few days ago, I ordered a large vanilla milkshake from the drive-thru
of a fast-food restaurant. The Induhvidual taking my order asked,
"Would you like anything to drink with that?" Thinking that this
was a good opportunity to poke fun, I said, "Yeah, a large vanilla milkshake."
When I pulled up to the window, I was given two large vanilla milkshakes.

---

When people on the Harvard Campus try to call a particular airline,
but forget to dial 9 for an outside line, they get my phone number instead.
This happens frequently.

My response is, "Are you calling from Harvard University?"

The caller always answers in amazement: "Why, yes! Yes I am! I am calling
from Harvard!"

I say, "Then you should be smart enough to dial 9 for an outside line."

---

I used have a boss who was both incompetent and a jerk. One morning
during a staff meeting he told us about his frustration of not being able
to remember phone numbers. He went on by saying he had read in a
magazine that the brain is like a computer's hard drive--once it becomes
full of information, it can't hold any more. He reasoned that since
he could no longer remember anyone's phone number, his brain must have
reached its capacity.

Not being able to stand this anymore, I warned my fellow employees in
the room not to tell him anything or he might lose bladder control.
This caused everyone (except my boss) to erupt in hysterical laughter.
Fortunately, my boss didn't get the joke!

New Dilbert Stuff

For everyone who has requested Dilbert novelty products, we've made
it easy for you. The Cubicle Door, Phone Flash Cards and The Boss Voodoo
Doll are all available now at the Dilbert Store. For those of you that
missed the Dilbert Silly Slammers, stay online - they'll be back soon!
Shop at http://www.umstore.com/dilbert for fun products.

Coming in September, you can get a Dilbert credit card, the only "no-fee/
reverse-fee" card issued online. There's no annual fee, and you can get
credit on your bill when you pay online.

***Special DNRC-only offers!***

>From now through Friday, 8/6/99, two special offers are available exclusively
for DNRC members:

- Stay in Touch with Dilbert

With any $35 purchase in the Dilbert store, get a free 50-minute MCI
prepaid calling card featuring a Dilbert design. These are collector's
items, since they were produced in very limited numbers and these designs
are no longer manufactured.

- Get the new Dilbert book FREE

With any $50 purchase in the Dilbert store, get a free copy of "Dilbert
Gives You the Business," the new Andrews McMeel book coming out in September.
Finally Scott has pulled together the most popular strips organized conveniently
by "work angst" scenario and "job title." Since you'll be reserving your
copy in advance of the bookstore on-sale date, you'll be one of the first
to own this comprehensive new Dilbert reference.

There is a limit of one DNRC offer per order, regardless of the order
amount. (Regular store freebies will be added if the order amount qualifies
for them.) These DNRC offers will not be announced in the Dilbert Store.
To get them, you need to follow this DNRC-only link:

http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/dnrcspecial.htx

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