Parenting – What The Flicka?http://whattheflicka.com
Tue, 06 Dec 2016 00:26:21 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.6.15 Easy Ways To Seem Like A Cool Momhttp://whattheflicka.com/5-easy-ways-seem-like-cool-mom/
http://whattheflicka.com/5-easy-ways-seem-like-cool-mom/#respondMon, 05 Dec 2016 23:07:21 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=35579We’re not cool. That’s something that our kids helpfully remind us all the time. But do you ever get those days where you just don’t feel like being the overworked/underappreciated/exhausted/food-covered/bedraggled mom and just feel like being the devil-may-care chill mom? So do we. So we put together a few easy ways to fake being a cool mom, without […]

]]>We’re not cool. That’s something that our kids helpfully remind us all the time. But do you ever get those days where you just don’t feel like being the overworked/underappreciated/exhausted/food-covered/bedraggled mom and just feel like being the devil-may-care chill mom? So do we. So we put together a few easy ways to fake being a cool mom, without actually having to change anything about your life. After all, what’s cooler than not trying?

Cool Mom Tip #1: Carry a Tiny Purse

Ordinary hardworking moms carry everything under the sun in their giant purse, from snack bars to life preservers. But cool moms get by with just a phone and lipstick, because they’re low-maintenance. Who cares if your real purse is overflowing in the front seat of the car, you’ll fool everyone in Starbucks with your doll-sized handbag.

Cool Mom Tip #2: Act Aloof

When someone asks how your kids are, just say ‘they’re well’ instead of pulling out your phone to show them 30,000 pictures. Regular moms want to show off every little accomplishment because we know our kids are perfect and amazing creatures. Cool moms don’t tell anyone about anything. Ever.

Cool Mom Tip #3: Wear An Insane Accessory

Capes! Leather anklets! Tiaras! All of these are things that a cool hip mom would wear to a PTA meeting to show how cool and carefree she is. Are you going to feel like an idiot all day? Absolutely. But will it seem like you know something that the less fashion-forward moms don’t? You betcha.

Cool Mom Tip #4: Spice Up Your Phone Conversations

Sure, it’s just your boring old spouse calling. But when you loudly answer with ‘what time is it where you are, darling?’ everyone will assume you have friends in other countries. Learn another language in high school? Just randomly insert a sentence of French or Spanish before you hang up. Instant cool.

Cool Mom Tip #5: Just Put It On Your Shirt

If all else fails, you can write it across your chest. And it just so happens that we have super soft slouchy tees that proclaim it to the whole world. You can buy it for yourself, or buy it for a cool mom you know who could us a pick-me-up. Either way it’s cozy, comfy, and maybe even a little sexy.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/5-easy-ways-seem-like-cool-mom/feed/08 Tips For Surviving Halloween With Young Kidshttp://whattheflicka.com/8-tips-for-surviving-halloween-with-young-kids/
http://whattheflicka.com/8-tips-for-surviving-halloween-with-young-kids/#respondMon, 10 Oct 2016 07:01:29 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=27625By the time mid-October rolls around, the kids (and if you live in my house, the grownups) are getting excited about Halloween. Having a semi-sane Halloween with young kids involves a little planning and lots of luck. Here are eight tips for surviving Halloween with kids younger kids (under six) and making great memories. 1. […]

]]>By the time mid-October rolls around, the kids (and if you live in my house, the grownups) are getting excited about Halloween. Having a semi-sane Halloween with young kids involves a little planning and lots of luck.

Here are eight tips for surviving Halloween with kids younger kids (under six) and making great memories.

1. Pick the costume out early and get it out of the way

I buy my kids’ Halloween costumes as soon as they go on sale right after Valentine’s Day. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating…but not much. I snag costumes as soon as I see them in the store. I get my pick of sizes…nothing is worse than telling a four year old who wants to be Batman that there are no Batman costumes in his size anywhere within three counties.

I give my kids minimal input on costume choices. Kids under six are either too young to care about their costume or are “into” so many cartoon characters that they’ll change their minds on what they want to be for Halloween 486 times before October 30th.

If you’re one of those crafty moms who makes costumes by hand, I’m a little jealous of your skills. If you are one of those crafty moms who makes another costume because little Annabelle decided she wanted to be Sophia the First instead of Elsa two days before Halloween…well then, I say you’re batshit crazy.

2. Potty planning

Your child will have to pee at some point during the Halloween festivities. Have an idea of where and how to make that happen. If potty training is still a new thing and there’s a narrow window between “mommy I hafta pee” and an accident, you might want to rethink a costume that’s complicated to get out of.

3. Don’t try to do all the things

Trick or treating in your neighborhood? Trunk or treat at your church? And again at your mom’s church and the church down the street that don’t even attend? Your local “Zoo boo?” If you play your cards right, your kid can party hard the week leading up to Halloween and snag enough candy to keep 10 children sugared up for days…but is that a good thing?

It’s great that there are so many options for enjoying Halloween…but stop and think before you drag your small human to each and every thing just because you can.

4. Step away from Pinterest

Yes, really. Too much Pinterest will rot your brain…okay maybe not that but it might convince you that you should become a whiz at concocting Halloween crafts out of recycled yogurt containers and toilet paper rolls. Every time you log on, Pinterest will make you feel inferior by showing you “easy” projects and treat recipes you should be making with and for your kids. And, if you’re one of those moms who bought costumes at Cotsco, Pinterest will shame you for not caring enough to make a dinosaur costume out of felt in 104 easy-to-follow steps.

Don’t get me wrong…Pinterest is great. It’s the first place I look when I want to find a great recipe or inspiration for a party hairstyle…but this time of year, Pinterest is full of oh-so-simple looking crafty things and recipes that lure you in. The next thing you know, your fingers are stuck together with hot glue and you’ve got glitter underneath your fingernails and in other places you don’t want to have glitter…ahem.

5. Talk to your kids about what to expect

This is really simple, but sometimes we get so caught up in the frenzy that we don’t realize the Halloween festivities are new, unfamiliar and maybe overwhelming for little goblins. My two boys are five (yes, I have two five-year-olds…just let that sink in) and this is their third year trick-or-treating. I plan to go over the play-by-play with them before we head out on Halloween night. They sort of remember how it went down last year but 12 months is a long time for very young children, so don’t assume they remember the drill.

And, things change…this year, one of my boys is really afraid of all of the super scary Halloween stuff that didn’t bug him last year. Unless you plan to take your kid to a Halloween event that doesn’t involve anything scary (and those events are certainly out there), it helps to set expectations. We’ve explained to Zack that some parts of Halloween are meant to be scary and to reassure him that it’s all pretend but we avoid those houses that are really tricked out with spooky decorations. The yard littered with dismembered skeletons, tombstones and fake entrails may not the best fit for the very young trick-or-treaters…you can tell your kids “it’s not real” all day long but that might be a little too much for them to process.

6. Set limits

This goes along with talking about expectations. I’ve found that trick-or-treating for an hour and then coming home to pass out candy works best. Younger kids might not have the stamina to walk the streets begging for candy for two hours plus. An hour works best for us and everyone knows what’s up ahead of time.

7. Have a candy plan

My candy plan is to sort through all the candy, pick out the quality chocolate and let the kids have at it for one night. I mean…it’s one night. I can handle two hyped up, sugared up kids for one night. After that, everything goes into a bowl and I dole it out…I might give a piece for good behavior or throw some in the lunchboxes. Maybe it’s the OCD in me but I like knowing beforehand how the candy is going to be handled.

If the idea of a ton of candy in the house bugs you, try adding the Switch Witch basket to your Halloween lineup. It’s a cute, decorative basket that you enjoy as part of your Halloween décor up until the big night. You use it to display your candy and then after a set number of days “the Switch Witch” comes to take the candy, replacing it with a toy or other fun thing that doesn’t involve sugar. We haven’t tried that yet but I think it’s a good idea.

And let there be no doubt, that quality chocolate is all mine. Mini Snickers pairs well with a nice Pinot Noir.

8. Cut them some slack

Your kids probably won’t be on their best behavior on Halloween night. It’s something special and the general vibe of the evening is not the same as every other day…and really, why would it be? Expect hyperactivity, the odd tantrum or two, uncharacteristic shyness, potty accidents…and anything in between.

Teach your kids basic manners…you know, to say “Trick or Treat” properly at the doorstep and to say “thank you” when someone gives them candy or compliments their costume. Teach them not to say stuff like “ewww, that looks gross” when some old lady drops Christmas candy from two years ago into their buckets.

And then cut them some slack if they forget their manners or say something embarrassing. Chances are, nothing that happens on Halloween is going to really matter in the long run…keep things in perspective.

Bottom line, trick-or-treating with children under six might require a little more preparation and structure, but it’s totally worth it. Seeing these little kids’ eyes light up at the magic of Halloween is priceless.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/8-tips-for-surviving-halloween-with-young-kids/feed/010 Reasons To Dread Summer With Kidshttp://whattheflicka.com/10-reasons-to-dread-summer-w-kids/
http://whattheflicka.com/10-reasons-to-dread-summer-w-kids/#respondWed, 08 Jun 2016 22:32:47 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=31108Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a warm-weather, tankini-clad, floppy-hat-obsessed Scrooge. I love summer. There’s the gloriously gorgeous weather. The maxi dresses and cute sandals. The perfect excuse to claim that pedicures are a necessity. Barbecues. Playing hooky on the perfect beach day. Fun field trips with the kids. Cocktails at sunset (and pretty much […]

There’s the gloriously gorgeous weather. The maxi dresses and cute sandals. The perfect excuse to claim that pedicures are a necessity. Barbecues. Playing hooky on the perfect beach day. Fun field trips with the kids. Cocktails at sunset (and pretty much whenever else you damn well please).

But when your spending your summer with kids, things are a little more…complicated. And messy. And sweaty. And tantrum-y. Behold, the untold delights of summer with small children!

Sand.

No need to spend a day at the beach. Just head to the nearest playground. Millions of tiny grains from the sandbox will stick to your sweaty kid, as well as find its’ way into the abyss of their shoes and pockets. No matter how well you think you’ve de-sanded your kid, grains will magically appear all over your house a few hours later.

The crap you need to lug everywhere.

Trade in the bulky coats, gloves and hats for soccer balls, baseball bats and bubble machines, not to mention hats, water bottles, a change of clothes, towels, sunscreen and the like. You’ll have just as much crap, possibly more. The difference is that now you’ll be sweating profusely as you schlep it to and from the park.

Sunscreen.

You need to apply, then re-apply and then re-apply some more. If your precious little cherub goes home with more-than-rosy cheeks, you will be convinced that he’ll come down with melanoma in 20 years and it will be your fault.

Terrifying playground equipment.

Every year it gets bigger, higher, and more horrifying – at least from a mommy perspective. Despite the fact that my son is sturdier and stronger than he was last summer, he’s also more daring and that makes the threat of taking him to the ER with broken bones or a concussion a lot more real. I mean, what geniuses designed all of this playground equipment to be on concrete or padding that’s about as thick as a cracker?

Unexpected mom guilt.

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the flowers are making you sneeze, and you’re hungover. You could persuade your child to stay home and watch Frozen for the gazillionth time, but it’s just so damn nice outside. Remember when you were frozen a few months ago and wished for a day like this? Time to suck it up and hope that the sun doesn’t make your blood-shot eyes actually bleed.

Other a-hole kids.

They push, they shove, they cut in front of your sweet child who’s waiting patiently for his turn to go down the slide. They also usually have a-hole parents who are either not paying attention or who are trying to take pictures of said kids acting like a-holes. (That seriously just happened yesterday.)

Burgeoning independence.

I’m not a “free-range” parent, but I’m smart enough to know that I shouldn’t totally smother my kid. He’s started telling me to “watch from there”—way over there—and as long as he’s not doing anything death-defying, I respect his wishes. When I see him trying to make friends or join in the fun with some older boys, I back off. But wow, is it so hard.

Water, water, everywhere.

Which means having a change of clothes and water shoes. If you don’t pack these things, you may have a wet, shivering child with blue lips who either needs to walk too many blocks to get home or needs to get into a car seat. You’ll be praying that your car won’t acquire an eternally moldy smell. (Reality check: Most likely, it will.)

Bare arms and legs.

The hotter it is, the fewer clothes your kids will want to wear. The fewer clothes that they wear, the higher the possibility of scraped elbows and bruised shins. After just a few days, my rough-and-tumble kid’s legs looked like Courtney Love’s legs in the ’90s.

Epic meltdowns.

You haven’t experienced the meltdown of all meltdowns until you try to take your hot, restless kid out of a place where he/she is having a blast. It doesn’t matter that they are literally falling over because they are so tired or starting to get grumpy with his friends. It doesn’t matter if he’s hungry or if you want to move onto next fun thing. (Which, for you, would be a nap.) He…wants…to…stay! Good times.

So, yes, it’s complicated. But, hey, at least it’s not winter!

This article was originally posted on Dawn’s blog, Momsanity. Featured image via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/10-reasons-to-dread-summer-w-kids/feed/0If Adoptive Moms Were Assholeshttp://whattheflicka.com/if-adoptive-moms-were-assholes/
http://whattheflicka.com/if-adoptive-moms-were-assholes/#respondTue, 07 Jun 2016 21:00:11 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=31121My family recently moved to a small town, and as a result, we had to change pediatricians. On the intake form, we wrote down that our daughter was adopted (as it rendered our genetic history irrelevant). It took the doctor all of two minutes before she asked for “proof” that we were really the legal […]

]]>My family recently moved to a small town, and as a result, we had to change pediatricians. On the intake form, we wrote down that our daughter was adopted (as it rendered our genetic history irrelevant).

It took the doctor all of two minutes before she asked for “proof” that we were really the legal parents.

She walked out the door before I could ask her whether or not biological parents are also asked to provide proof. After all, you can’t always tell if two people are genetically related just by sight.

My husband wasn’t as annoyed as I was. He’s more passive than I am and it made me contemplate whether I’d been overreacting. I was fairly certain the doctor meant no offense, of course, but it still ate at me because I found her request ridiculous.

Then, I began to imagine living in a world where all adoptive moms turn into assholes, merely because of the general assumptions we all face under these type of circumstances.

If you’ve adopted (or know someone who has) you probably know what I’m talking about – the none-of-your-business questions people have. The unintentional prying that makes you think you left the house wearing a t-shirt that read, “Please, ask me about my child!”

Now, let me be clear, I absolutely don’t mind if people I know ask questions. That’s how mere introductions evolve into lifelong friendships. I certainly ask them questions too – about how they think and how they feel. Or the routing number to their checking account.

But, when people I’ve never met and will most likely never see again ask questions, it makes me wonder. I wouldn’t say it makes me upset, but I do take notice and I imagine answering their questions like a total asshole.

It would go something like this:

Stranger at grocery store: Is your daughter adopted?

Me: Yes, my daughter was adopted. What about yours? Is that your biological son?

If the stranger said yes, I’d then turn to the son and say, “Your parents had you through sex!”

Stranger at grocery store: Is your daughter from a different country?

Me: No. My daughter was born in the US. Yes, her skin is a bit darker than mine but this is America, not Iceland. She was born in an exotic place called Colorado. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s the place with all the pot.

Stranger at grocery store: Well, I guess you’re lucky you didn’t have to go through labor.

Me: Well, I guess you’re lucky that it’s illegal for me to punch you in the face.

Stranger at grocery store: How did you afford to adopt?

Me: The same way people afford to do anything. Saving, compromising, robbing strangers at knifepoint.

Then I’d rummage through my purse like I was really looking for something.

Stranger at grocery store: Are you going to tell your daughter that she’s adopted?

Me: I thought maybe you could tell her.

Stranger at grocery store: Do you know your daughter’s real mom?

Me: Yes. I know her quite well. I see her every morning…….in the freaking mirror.

This article was originally published on JJ Keeler’s blog, You’re Mommed. Featured image via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/if-adoptive-moms-were-assholes/feed/08 Things I Wish I’d Known As A First Time Momhttp://whattheflicka.com/8-things-i-wish-id-known-as-a-first-time-mom/
http://whattheflicka.com/8-things-i-wish-id-known-as-a-first-time-mom/#respondTue, 24 May 2016 07:00:34 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30955There are a million books for new and expecting parents out there, but every mom I talk to has said that there are things she wishes someone had told her, before she had the baby. I felt that way, too. So I’ve compiled a list of my top 8 things I blundered through the first […]

]]>There are a million books for new and expecting parents out there, but every mom I talk to has said that there are things she wishes someone had told her, before she had the baby.

I felt that way, too. So I’ve compiled a list of my top 8 things I blundered through the first time I had a child. These are also things I am having to remind myself that I have learned, now that I’m doing it all for the second time, so that I don’t think I’m being all high and mighty by sharing this shit. I’m just trying to pass anything that might qualify as “wisdom” along.

1. Whatever piece of hell you’re currently going through right now? It’s going to change.

Nothing lasts forever with babies. This means that those crazy nights of colic will come to an end. Or that sleep regression will disappear as strangely as it showed up. I know it doesn’t feel like it’ll end, right now. But it will. For real.

And you smug parents in the corner, with kids who started sleeping through the night at 3 weeks? It’ll change for you, too.

2. Breastfeeding can be fucking hard. Trust me, it ain’t all instinct.

And it’s not for the faint of heart. However, if you decide to feed your child, you are still a good mom. Unless you’re giving him caramel frappuccinos or something. Just sayin’.

3. At some point, you will find yourself touching your child’s poop with your bare hands.

That’s right. You will get shit under your fingernails, find yourself scooping a turd out of the bathwater at the speed of light, or something else that you would’ve found beyond disgusting in your pre-baby life. Don’t worry. If it hasn’t happened already, it will.

4. You will find yourself holding a handful of your child’s vomit.

Don’t believe me? When you’re over at your friends’ place and your kid gives you the 3-second warning like, “Mommy, I don’t feel so good”, you will automatically shove your hands in front of his mouth to prevent that puke from hitting your friends’ sofa. A better option than footing the cleaning bill, right?

5. You will inevitably compromise on one or another impossibly high standard you set for yourself as a parent, and then feel guilty about it for years.

Try to forgive yourself.

6. You are not alone and whatever you’re going through with your little one right now, you are more than likely not the first one to experience it.

In other words, Google that shit. If you need support, I bet you’ll find someone out there who will give you advice, or just commiserate.

7. It will all be over in the blink of an eye, so cherish every moment!

Just kidding. Some days will feel like they are fucking WEEKS long but they will come to an end. Most likely, there will be a glass of wine (or a pillow) waiting with your name on it after it’s over.

8. Your child will be an asshole, at some point or another.

And trust me, you will not be a bad parent for thinking this. You will still love your child, despite thinking this. She or he will still be an amazing, intelligent, fantastic human being, despite this stage. Why else do you think I called this blog “The Joy of Cooking (for little assholes)?”

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/8-things-i-wish-id-known-as-a-first-time-mom/feed/010 Tips On Being A Successful Tooth Fairyhttp://whattheflicka.com/10-tips-on-being-a-successful-tooth-fairy/
http://whattheflicka.com/10-tips-on-being-a-successful-tooth-fairy/#respondThu, 19 May 2016 07:00:07 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30887When your tearful six-year-old bursts into your room in the morning sobbing that the Tooth Fairy didn’t come, you’re going to feel like crap, so it’s a good idea to avoid such situations at all costs. 1. Don’t Forget Make yourself a reminder of some sort. This is especially important when the six-year-old puts her tooth under her pillow […]

]]>When your tearful six-year-old bursts into your room in the morning sobbing that the Tooth Fairy didn’t come, you’re going to feel like crap, so it’s a good idea to avoid such situations at all costs.

1. Don’t Forget

Make yourself a reminder of some sort. This is especially important when the six-year-old puts her tooth under her pillow after school and then doesn’t mention it again at bedtime. Apparently, our children are not dependable reminders, so be sure to remind yourself. Post-It notes on the bathroom mirror work well.

(Don’t write on the Post-It, you’re sure to get caught. The presence of the note itself will be enough of a reminder).

2. Don’t Be Drunk

It’s hard to remember to be the Tooth Fairy. If you killed a bottle of chardonnay while watching two hours of Game of Thrones after your kid went to sleep, it’s impossible to remember to be the Tooth Fairy. Don’t Fairy while intoxicated. It won’t end well.

3. Don’t Set the Bar Too High

I once “heard” of a drunk Tooth Fairy who got very excited and decided to give her daughter a new paint set in addition to a dollar bill. Not only was it cumbersome slipping a set of paints under the pillow, but now my her kids expect toys and cold hard cash for every lost tooth.

4. Think Fast

If you screw up your Fairy duties by forgetting, tell your child you will go check out the situation yourself. Then “find” a quarter that your child overlooked. Also, be prepared to think fast if your child wakes and catches you in the act of Fairying. Be ready with lines like, “Are you okay? I thought you were having a nightmare so I came to check on you. Yes, I know, I am the best mom in the world.”

5. Don’t Keep the Bounty

Throw those teeth away. Don’t keep a gruesome collection in your bedside table, because your kid will find it and then the jig is up. Some parents won’t budge on this. Some people keep locks of their kids’ hair, too. If that’s the case, why stop there? Get a jar of fingernail clippings going to add to the collection. No, wait. Don’t. That’s gross. Also, throw away the teeth and hair.

6. Play Dumb

If your child starts asking questions about the logistics of the Tooth Fairy’s operations, don’t pretend to have all of the answers. Feign ignorance. Get a little defensive about it, too. “How would I know? I’m not the Tooth Fairy!” This tactic also works well for covering up your Santa Claus and Easter Bunny duties.

7. Keep a Stash

Have a hidden bank of whatever currency your Tooth Fairy deals in, be it quarters, dimes, stickers, or toys. Not having a stash is one way parents accidentally raise the bar. Don’t find yourself as the Tooth Fairy with nothing smaller than a twenty-dollar bill.

8. Be Stealthy

Don’t try and Fairy ten minutes after you’ve put your kid to bed. Make sure they are well into la-la land. Wear socks, know where the creaky floorboards are, and get your ninja on.

9. Buck Convention

Save yourself a lot of stress. Tell your kid that the Tooth Fairy has instituted new policies in an effort to limit the instances of lost teeth and quarters. Henceforth, the Tooth Fairy requests that all teeth be placed prominently on the kitchen counter. The Tooth Fairy will retrieve teeth from this location and replace them with the appropriate swag. If this won’t fly in your household, at least convince your child to put the tooth in a Ziploc before putting it under the pillow so that it’s easier to retrieve when you get your ninja on.

10. Tell the Truth

No one wants the fairy tale to end, but it’s your child’s job to grow and learn and figure things out. When they do so and the charade is up, don’t mourn the end of an era. Fess up, answer their questions, and appreciate that your youngster is entering a new and equally exciting stage of childhood.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/10-tips-on-being-a-successful-tooth-fairy/feed/0My Son Can Be Beautiful & My Daughter Can Be Stronghttp://whattheflicka.com/son-can-beautiful-daughter-can-strong/
http://whattheflicka.com/son-can-beautiful-daughter-can-strong/#respondTue, 10 May 2016 07:00:17 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30749“Do I look beautiful mommy?” asked my five year old son in the middle of an aisle at Target. He held up a shirt against him and wanted to know if he looked good. “You look so beautiful,” I responded, bending down and planting a kiss on the top of his soft head. He smiled […]

]]>“Do I look beautiful mommy?” asked my five year old son in the middle of an aisle at Target. He held up a shirt against him and wanted to know if he looked good.

“You look so beautiful,” I responded, bending down and planting a kiss on the top of his soft head. He smiled back and put the shirt in our cart (I don’t really remember telling him he could get it but whatever). I heard people snicker around us as I told him he was beautiful. Only one other mother in the boys clothing section smiled sweetly at us. I paid no attention to the snickers and kept on shopping. My kids followed suit and the snickers and one rude comment (regarding my response) made no impact on our day.

At five years old, my middle son has the brightest, bluest eyes, a sweet little face (it fools the best of em’), and a cute little body (totally not weird when a mother says this). He really is a beautiful boy, as is my seven year old son who has dark grey eyes and a long, lean body. I didn’t always tell they them were beautiful. I would tell them they were funny, sweet, smart, strong, quick. I didn’t begin telling them they were beautiful until I had my daughter.

She was a petite baby, with the same bright eyes as my middle son. She really was a gorgeous baby girl. I didn’t think twice saying this to her, whispering it in her ear as I rocked her to sleep as an infant. When she began playing dress up with her little friends at one year old, I had no qualms telling her she was beautiful then too. It was during one of those dress up sessions that my middle son put something on and after hearing me tell his sister she was beautiful, innocently asked “am I beautiful too mommy?”

I didn’t hesitate one second as I responded, “Of course you are my little love.” You see, in our house we don’t have gender roles. Nor do I really teach my kids about them. I’m (hopefully) teaching all of my kids to speak for themselves, speak up when something is wrong, not to let anyone take advantage of them, never judge any person or situation, that they are strong, smart, and quick. All three of my kids, even though two are boys and one is a girl, are all being taught this.

Several friends of mine shared a post on Facebook with the line “I’m going to teach my daughter to be strong and not let any man tell her what to do. I’m going to teach her to be courageous and be leader.” I was instantly irritated. Teach your daughter(s) that, great, but what about teaching your son(s) the same thing? At three years old, my daughter is more out spoken and more courageous than either of her brothers. Yes, these are qualities that I will help nurture, but also I will instill them in my boys as well.

Teach boys how to be gentleman? Great, then teach girls to be ladylike. Teach boys how to “treat a girl right” (as many of my friends have claimed)? Then teach girls how to treat a boy. The street goes both ways in gender equality.

When I first met my husband we were 15 years old and working our first jobs together. From the beginning, our relationship was built on equality. We had a friendship and a partnership. We did the same job, learned the same things, and supported each other from the start. This partnership has carried into our marriage and how we parent our children. We both pay the bills, we both take care of the household chores, we both make important decisions together. It’s not one of us wears the pants and the other takes orders. I mow the lawn and my husband cleans the kitchen every night (he also scrubs the toilet better and has more patience painting our daughter’s nails than I do).

People want gender roles to disappear, for gender equality to take hold in all areas of life: jobs, pay, leadership, etc. What about never teaching our children gender roles in the first place? What about teaching our sons that they can play dress up, be beautiful, play football, and are the smartest? What about teaching our daughters that they can do the same things?

The next time you claim to want to teach your daughter something, be sure you teach your sons as well. Imagine a life without gender roles, with gender equality, with no “who’s better than who” mentality. Food for thought.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/son-can-beautiful-daughter-can-strong/feed/010 Ways Of Getting Your Kids’ Attention Without Yellinghttp://whattheflicka.com/10-ways-get-kids-attention-without-yelling/
http://whattheflicka.com/10-ways-get-kids-attention-without-yelling/#respondThu, 05 May 2016 07:00:58 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30671When our first child was a baby, I had plans to never yell at my kids. Not surprisingly, that parenting ideal jumped ship about the same time as “My kid’s are never going to watch TV.” I do try to only yell when necessary. Over the years, I’ve learned some surefire ways to get my kids’ full attention without […]

]]>When our first child was a baby, I had plans to never yell at my kids.

Not surprisingly, that parenting ideal jumped ship about the same time as “My kid’s are never going to watch TV.”

I do try to only yell when necessary. Over the years, I’ve learned some surefire ways to get my kids’ full attention without having to raise my voice at all.

In no particular order:

1) Try to pee in peace.

There’s a sensor on the toilet seat that triggers a dire curiosity/desperate hunger/urgent emergency alarm inside kids’ heads. If you want your kids’ full, rapt attention, head straight to the bathroom.

2) Take a shower.

3) Sit down to read a book.

A leisure novel is like a beacon to my children. It took me two months to read the first half of “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society” at home. I finished the second half on a two-hour flight by myself with time to spare. Go figure.

4) Try to sneak them some candy.

My kids can smell chocolate from three rooms away. They can also teleport to arrive at the exact moment I’m popping it into my mouth. Works every time.

5) Start a conversation with a friend.

Particularly effective if you want your kids glued to your side, sprawled across your lap, or using you as a jungle gym.

6) Make an important phone call.

They won’t be able to fight the urge to come to you. Mom’s on the phone? Goody! That means she secretly wants me to come tattle on my sibling or ask for a snack!

7) Drive in traffic.

You’ve never had so much attention. “MAMA.” “MAMA?” “MAMA.” “MAMA!”

8) Try to get some work done.

Absolutely. The more important or deadline-driven, the better.

9) Climb into bed.

That sensor on the toilet? There’s also one on your pillow.

10) Head toward funky-town with your spouse.

If simply climbing into bed doesn’t work, just start getting busy with your partner. You’ll have kids standing at attention at the foot of your bed in no time.

You really never have to yell to get your kids’ attention. Just try to get some alone time, do something important, or relax for a few minutes, and you’ll have them right where you want them.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/10-ways-get-kids-attention-without-yelling/feed/0Parenting Choices: How Much Do You Share Online?http://whattheflicka.com/parenting-choices-how-much-do-you-share-online/
http://whattheflicka.com/parenting-choices-how-much-do-you-share-online/#respondTue, 03 May 2016 07:00:29 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30621Today, Ashlen and I are discussing our differing opinions on sharing our kids’ names and faces on our blog, social media, etc. Like so many parenting topics, there is a lot of passion and emotions involved in the topic of online exposure. There are a few big issues that are important to me. Other than the […]

]]>Today, Ashlen and I are discussing our differing opinions on sharing our kids’ names and faces on our blog, social media, etc.

Like so many parenting topics, there is a lot of passion and emotions involved in the topic of online exposure. There are a few big issues that are important to me. Other than the “biggies”, i’m more of a “you do you” kinda person. For example, all of our leftover food containers are glass because I worry about microwaving plastics. But if you’re all about rubbermaid or tupperware, that’s fine! You make the decisions that are best for you and your family and I make the best for me and mine. While Ashlen and I may not fully agree on this (or other) topics, we agree 100% that the we are both making the best choice for their family.

Lauren’s View:

In my previous posts about my insanely awesome bonus-daughter, I haven’t shared her name or face. Don’t get me wrong, she has a super cute face! But I’ve chosen not to identify her on the blog by blurring, obscuring, and/or cropping out her face from the photos I’ve shared. Sure, it wouldn’t quite take CSI-level sleuthing to figure out her identity, but our blog’s Terms of Use hopefully discourages people from sharing our photos to other platforms. I’d like to take this time to share why I’m not sharing her identity on the blog:

She’s sixteen. Remember when you were sixteen? Not exactly the easiest of the teenage years. I’m just grateful social media wasn’t around when I was in high school! Her peers could easily find the blog, read posts about our personal trips, etc. How awkward could it be if her classmates or teachers tried to chat up about the specific snacks we had on our road trip last spring break?

Hopefully she’ll have a summer job this year, and as you may know, many employers analyze your social media profiles before they decide to hire you. Her social media presence should probably reflect her, not her wicked stepmother.

Stranger Danger. One of my secret talents is to worry about EVERYTHING. As in, setting our home alarm with panic button, iPhone’s Find My Friend’s activated, etc. If sharing her identity welcomed any unwanted attention from some crazy person, it would be really hard to remove her presence online. Ya know?

I’m not her mom,but I love this kid like crazy. I have known her since she was six, but if her mom wants to blog using her identity all day and night, that’s between she and her parents.

Would my opinion change if I had a child of my own? Hard to say. I LOVE seeing photos of Ashlen’s crew adventures but totally respect a close friend who has zero photos of their son online. Would I use a nickname? Choose not to show their face? or maybe show their face for the first few years until grade school? I can’t seem to put myself in that mindset. IF that were to happen, I think my husband and I would figure out an approach that works for us. In the meantime, I stand by my decision for what to share and not share for my bonus daughter, and respect the opinions of anyone who feels otherwise.

Ashlen’s View:

As everyone knows, I show my children’s faces on the blog as well as other social media platforms. I share their stories and different narratives about my parenting choices. Alternatively, I don’t share absolutely everything about my kids. Stories that may be embarrassing, the names of their schools, and any daycare child’s faces (unless approved by their parent(s)) while taking a shot of is a no-no. I have a few reasons for my “being an open book” status:

This blog is a joint venture. Not just between Lauren and I, but also our families. My kids take part in the activities, photo shoots, and brainstorming story ideas. I ask for THEIR permission before I tell a certain story or share any picture. If they aren’t okay with it, I wouldn’t think twice about not posting something. My kids and I talk a lot about all types of things. I’m not sure how much they understand at seven, five, and three, but they understand enough to tell me what a blog is and what we’re doing for the blog.

I view the blog as not only an opportunity for me, but for them as well. As they get older, I fully intend to let them write blog posts and whatever else they’d like to take part in. My kids are creative and I think it’s pretty cool that we can create outlets of creativity for them. We’ve written a book together and they’ve given me blog post ideas, advice on pictures, and other things for the blog. I mean, how many kids can search for themselves on Amazon and be listed as authors?

Am I worried about stranger danger? Yes of course! Luckily, I think we’ve got some pretty fantastic readers who have yet (and hopefully don’t) make things feel creepilicious. Also, I’ve got Lauren to look over my posts to make sure we don’t divulge too much personal info such as where the kids attend school or our home address (yes, I nearly accidentally gave this away in a post! Oops!), etc.

Will my opinion change as my kids get older? Possibly. I already feel some of the things that happen in my home may not be “blog-worthy” or appropriate. Not because it’s inappropriate, but because I highly doubt it’s something my children are going to want to see on the internet when they’re sixteen. I try to keep that in mind.

If there ever comes a time when my kids ask me to stop telling their personal stories (and there’s been a few so far) or taking their pictures, I will stop everything, have a discussion with them, and respect their wishes. My mindset at the moment is ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.’ For now, we’re thoroughly enjoying all of the adventures the blog has to offer, the various opportunities, and the support we get from our audience.

This post was originally posted on Lauren Parker-Gill’s blog, “The Kidsperts.” Featured image via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/parenting-choices-how-much-do-you-share-online/feed/09 Ways Parenthood is Like “Game of Thrones”http://whattheflicka.com/9-ways-parenthood-like-game-thrones/
http://whattheflicka.com/9-ways-parenthood-like-game-thrones/#respondMon, 25 Apr 2016 07:00:01 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30605Shortly after meeting my husband, he introduced me to A Song of Ice and Fire, knowing how much I loved great fantasy novels. I devoured every book in the series that had been written up until then, and spent years wondering when George R. R. Martin would have the next one finished. Then the announcement […]

]]>Shortly after meeting my husband, he introduced me to A Song of Ice and Fire, knowing how much I loved great fantasy novels. I devoured every book in the series that had been written up until then, and spent years wondering when George R. R. Martin would have the next one finished.

Then the announcement came that HBO was making it into a series. We were so excited, but so very nervous to see whether it would live up to the high bar the books had set. The series premiered the spring I was pregnant with my first child, and excitement turned into glee, as each episode exceeded our expectations.

Now, five seasons and 2 children later, I have begun to draw parallels between Game of Thrones and being a parent. I’m not sure whether Mr. Martin intended for these similarities to be so apparent, but to me, they’re clear as day.

1. Sex is necessary to advance the plot.

Tell me you don’t miss this dude. TELL ME.

Hell, they invented a term for what GoT does: sexposition. The story moves forward via conversation during a sex scene, in the series. Your story moves forward because of the actual sex. If you don’t know what that means, Google “birds and bees.”

2. Every time you think you know what’s going on, the rules change.

But this is his wedd…oh, shit.

All those stages your baby goes through give you just enough time to catch your breath, figure things out, and then start scrambling again, as things change for the umpteenth time. Sounds exactly like every season of GoT.

3. “The night is dark and full of terrors.”

For the night is dark, so get a night light for your kid, already.

In the beginning, this refers to all those midnight feedings and diaper changes. As your kids grow, though, it begins to refer to the act of actually getting them to bed. “I need to pee again.” “Can I have a bedtime snack?” “I had a bad dream!” “There’s something in the closet that I’m afraid of…” Wanna know what you should be afraid of, kid? The look on my face when you wake me up in the middle of the night for the sixth time!

4. The “dragons” get bigger every year.

They’re always so cute when they’re little, aren’t they?

They start out so tiny and cute, and you think to yourself, these things are the best EVER! Everyone should have one. But they are as unpredictable in real life as they are on the show. Plus, the possibility of them becoming assholes grows exponentially, as they themselves grow.

5. “A very small man can cast a very large shadow.”

Sorry dude. My son is WAY cuter.

I know this refers to Tyrion in the show, but I’m pretty sure it’s also rather prophetic of the role our one year old son has in our family. That boy owns us.

6. “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

I don’t think there’s ever been a television quote that captures parenthood more accurately than this one does.

7. The ladies know what they want.

This is who I hope I raise.

Maybe your daughter is like Arya, strong, determined and takes no shit. Or maybe she’s like Margaery, sweet, determined, manipulative and takes no shit. Or maybe she’s more like Cersei, a total asshole who also takes no shit. Note the theme here?

8. You have theories on how the story will go, but you’re really just guessing at this point.

What happens, as time goes on, is up to one person and one person only: George R.R. Martin. Or your child, depending on what we’re referring to. At a certain point, you’re just going to have to trust that what they’re doing is the right thing.

9. “Valar dohaeris.”

Indentured servitude? Why yes, sweetheart.

Translated from high Valyrian, it means “All men must serve.” HAHAHAHAHA. Yes, that just about sums up parenthood, doesn’t it? All parents must serve…their child’s every whim. Anyone who has had a toddler or a threenager knows that it doesn’t get any more accurate than this.

This post was originally featured on Glynis’ blog. Featured image via. GIFs via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/9-ways-parenthood-like-game-thrones/feed/0My Three-Year-Old Asked For Pink Hairhttp://whattheflicka.com/three-year-old-asked-pink-hair/
http://whattheflicka.com/three-year-old-asked-pink-hair/#respondTue, 19 Apr 2016 07:00:45 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30464I’ve had dark brown hair for years. Last summer, I got blonde highlights in my hair. Enter “three-year-old hair envy.” All she spoke about for weeks were hair colors, different hair cuts, hair styles, and who had the shiniest hair. Then came, “I want pink hair.” “Oh okay,” I responded, not giving it too much […]

]]>I’ve had dark brown hair for years. Last summer, I got blonde highlights in my hair. Enter “three-year-old hair envy.”

All she spoke about for weeks were hair colors, different hair cuts, hair styles, and who had the shiniest hair. Then came, “I want pink hair.”

“Oh okay,” I responded, not giving it too much thought. I figured it was like that toy she saw on an end cap at Target. One that would quickly fade from her mind. I didn’t think it was a big deal. She seemed satisfied with my answer and we moved on from the subject of hair to nail polish.

My three-and-a-half year old is far more girly than I’ve ever been. She wears party dresses to bed, has meltdowns when her nail polish wears off, and has been asking for her own MAC lipstick – “in the purple shade” for the last year. She’s my girly-girl who tries to keep up with the boys and refuses to brush her hair. I wasn’t surprised she mentioned pink hair. It is her favorite color after all.

The following evening, we had the TV on and a commercial showed a woman with bright pink hair. Elizabeth’s face lit up and she exclaimed, “that’s the hair I want mom! That’s it!” She went on and on about her “new pink hair” that she was going to get.

“When do you think I can get it? Maybe Saturday?” she asked innocently.

I wasn’t sure how to handle this. She was dead set on getting her pink hair. I had strong feelings that a child so young shouldn’t be getting anything done to their hair other than a cut. For some reason, I had told myself that no child of mine would be getting anything done to their hair until they were old enough to make a good decision for themselves. Obviously, I had no idea what kind of kids I would have.

I realized I had a very important stance to take. I could put my foot down, tell her no way, and show her who was in charge. But that’s not my style of parenting. I could let her do it and then have to deal with a massive meltdown if/when she wants it out right after getting it done. When my daughter spoke to others about her love of pink hair and how she was going to get it, I was met with eye rolls. People who told me to “realize you’re the parent, not her” and that she’s too young to make important decisions.

Those just fueled me. How can I teach her how to make those important decisions? How can I teach her how to live with those consequences of the decisions she makes? I realize she’s only three, but she’s not dumb. Couldn’t this be a good lesson that teaches her the consequences of her decisions and actions? Yet I still had my reservations.

The chemicals used to dye hair (especially the specialty colors such as pink) can be strong. What if she has a reaction to the chemicals? What happens if she hates her new hair? She is only three and can’t quite grasp a lot of concepts, such as patience, for letting hair grow out. I spoke at length to numerous hair dressers. I researched and then researched more. I spoke to anyone I could about it, even if I was met with disgust about considering letting my daughter do that!

So what did I decide?

I decided to compromise. I wanted my daughter to know that I trust her, look out for her, and try to make the best decisions while listening to her wants and needs. My daughter got her pink hair. It’s just not “dyed” like she had in mind.

After my extensive research, I decided she was too young for getting her hair dyed. If there’s ever a meltdown issue in question, I’d avoid it like the plague. I was far too worried that she would ask for her pink hair to come out as soon as it was. Instead, I ordered her clip-in hair extensions in all different colors. She wants bright orange hair one day? We’ve got it ready. She wants red in her hair for two minutes (and literally, two minutes only)? It’s there and just as easily removable.

This easy compromise made us both happy for the time being. I have no issues with her wearing them out of the house because she’s so proud of “her new hair.” Nonetheless, the looks on some people’s faces when we walk into the grocery store sporting blue, green, and neon yellow hair is priceless. A few years ago, I didn’t foresee pink hair in my parenting future. I would have been categorized in with those people who gave judgmental looks at other parents for allowing their children to have neon-colored hair. Sometimes, as parents we have to get over our own hang ups and thoughts of how things would go. Sometimes we need to put our foot down (and know when that needs to be done) and other times we need to compromise. Especially when it comes to pink hair happiness.

This post was originally featured on Ashlen “the Kidspert” Sheaffer’s blog, The Kidspert. Featured image via

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/three-year-old-asked-pink-hair/feed/08 Tips On Conquering Cyber Bullying & Text Threats With Your Highschoolerhttp://whattheflicka.com/8-tips-on-conquering-cyber-bullying-text-threats-with-your-highschooler/
http://whattheflicka.com/8-tips-on-conquering-cyber-bullying-text-threats-with-your-highschooler/#respondThu, 14 Apr 2016 07:00:37 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30417If you’ve been around here for any amount of time, you may remember that we’ve had our fair share of cyber bullying from “mean girls” and other forms of bullying. The first time that I felt a need to step in was when M was in the 5th grade. This is when I learned a […]

]]>If you’ve been around here for any amount of time, you may remember that we’ve had our fair share of cyber bullying from “mean girls” and other forms of bullying.

The first time that I felt a need to step in was when M was in the 5th grade. This is when I learned a hard lesson of parenting: unless there’s significant harm being done, you’re better off being a coach on the sidelines than the quarterback trying to win the game.

7th grade brought the next significant round of bullying by mean girls and was the year I was in the principal’s office more times than I cared for. 8th grade was pretty quiet. But just when I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief, along came the 9th grade and high school. (What is it with the every 2 years pattern??)

High school has opened up a whole new can of challenges. My friend, Jon Lowder, warned me that going from middle to high is like going from a AAA farm league to the Major Leagues.

None of the stuff we’ve encountered is overtly bad – more of the PITA (pain in the ass) variety. Nasty tweets, snarky comments, bitchy texts – pretty textbook stuff. The only difference between what you and I had to deal with and what she and her friends have to deal with is that it’s done electronically as opposed to in person or with pen and paper.

So what is the actual definition of cyber-bullying? According to Google, it is “the use of electronic communication to bully a person, typically by sending messages of an intimidating or threatening nature.” If you want to read the entire NC statute, click here.

All of the schools in our area preach about having zero tolerance policies when it comes to bullying and I’ve been pretty pleased with how they’ve handled situations if it got to that level. While the schools and parents may take a strong stand on cyber-bullying, unfortunately, our judicial system has a more difficult time prosecuting anyone should it get to that point.

IF they were to bring them through the system, they’d be tried as juveniles and most likely be given nothing more than a “slap-on-the-wrist.” We have a friend who did take another kid and their family to court for this kind of abuse. As a resolution, the other kid was ordered to write an apology letter. Pretty expensive apology letter, I’d say.

This past weekend, we had a situation pop up that made me call a friend of the family who is in law enforcement just to validate that what I was doing the right approach. He confirmed that I was, but as a parent, you can’t run to the school every time someone gets pissy and sends out a nasty tweet. So, what do you do?

I’m no expert on the law, but here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:

1. Be Mindful

Keep a diligent eye everywhere, but for the most part, do it from the sidelines. Trust me. It is SO hard for me to read the texts and tweets that come across while biting my tongue and resisting the urge to rip off a few well phrased tweets.

2. Create a “Twatch” List

You don’t have to follow the kids in question (i.e. bullies) on Twitter, but you can create a private list and add them to it without following them. The next best option is to keep a list and just check in on them if you think there’s an issue. For the most part, their everyday tweets are just typical teen bantering that bores me to tears.

3. Give The School A Heads Up

It never hurts to alert the school if they’re getting harassing texts or any other kind of electronic communication.

4. Listen, Listen, Listen

My experience taught me that kids will withhold this kind of information until it reaches critical condition, so make sure you listen when they come to you. This is not the time to tell them, “just a minute”. This could be your one and only shot at them opening up. Don’t blow it. Listen to what they’re telling you even if it seems a bit over the top. I promise, if there’s smoke, there’s fire.

5. Screenshots Are Golden

If there IS an issue, make sure you educate your kid on the importance of taking screenshots and sending them to you. This will be helpful if you choose to send it to the school or addressing the issue with their parents.

6. Understand That There Are Always Two Sides

You may have to admit that your kid may be involved in the act. I have yet to go through one of these situations and think that my girls were 100% innocent. It takes two to tango friends.

7. Provide Your Kid(s) With Options

While it’s really, really hard to do, sometimes the best course of action is just to ignore the bully acts. Teach them not to engage, respond, or react. They may still do it, but if you repeat this often enough, they’ll get better at doing it – at least a little bit.

8. If All Else Fails, Do What You Have To Do

If it gets really bad, do what you have to do. Get the school, the parents, and the authorities involved. At the end of the day, it’s better to be overprotective than under.

The one thing that blows my mind about this group of kids is that they have some major cajones. They think nothing can stop them. I’ve seen texts where one kid proclaimed that “because his dad was rich, he’d make sure that M and her friends would never go to college”. I know you’re dying to know what my response to that was. Well, I pulled a Dr. Huxtable and told M, “he doesn’t have money. His DAD may have money, but this kid is like you…broke”.

I’ve never said this phase was easy, but my hope is that I can at least prepare you for what’s’ to come so that you’re ready to handle it as best as possible. Don’t worry – we’ll all survive!

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/8-tips-on-conquering-cyber-bullying-text-threats-with-your-highschooler/feed/08 Ways To Trick Your Kid Into Going To Sleep On Timehttp://whattheflicka.com/8-ways-trick-kid-going-sleep-time/
http://whattheflicka.com/8-ways-trick-kid-going-sleep-time/#respondThu, 14 Apr 2016 07:00:36 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30418It’s the bane of every mother’s existence: trying to get your kid to go to sleep on time. If you’re riding that struggle bus every night and you’re ready to get off, here are 8 ways to trick your kid into getting in that damn bed of theirs. 1. Tell them you’re going to Disneyland […]

5. Let them run around in the backyard to their heart’s delight.

6.Pretend you can’t hear them when they ask to stay up late.

Kids don’t understand how hearing works, right? Just simply pretend you can’t hear them until they stop asking you and eventually grow so frustrated they have no choice but to fall asleep! A win for everyone.

7. Your favorite TV character is waiting for you in your dreams.

This isn’t technically lying – who’s to say their favorite cartoon character or TV character won’t make an appearance? In fact, they’re probably more likely to know that you’ve put the idea in their head! You’re a genius parent and deserve much praise.

8. Fake a power outage.

Okay, hear us out: if you fake a power outage and turn off all the lights, you’re kid is already going to be used to the darkness. Right? Then they’ll just fall asleep like it’s nothing. We stand behind this clearly full proof plan!

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/8-ways-trick-kid-going-sleep-time/feed/010 Things New Moms Should Know About Motherhoodhttp://whattheflicka.com/10-things-new-moms-know-motherhood/
http://whattheflicka.com/10-things-new-moms-know-motherhood/#respondTue, 05 Apr 2016 03:00:45 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30301Several new moms have entered my life recently, so I’ve been revisiting my list of things I wish I’d known before I became a mom. You can never truly prepare for everything that’s coming, but I think it helps to be aware of realities that may peep over the horizon. Here are some of those […]

]]>Several new moms have entered my life recently, so I’ve been revisiting my list of things I wish I’d known before I became a mom. You can never truly prepare for everything that’s coming, but I think it helps to be aware of realities that may peep over the horizon.

Here are some of those realities, in no particular order:

1) Cutting your baby’s fingernails for the first time is one of the scariest things you’ll ever do.

And after that, it’s pretty much a full-time job until they’re old enough to do it themselves. I wish I was exaggerating.

It also doesn’t get any easier with subsequent kids. I thought I knew what I was doing with our second baby and drew blood the first time I cut her nails. With our third, I gave up the clippers and just tore them off during the newborn phase. Sometimes asking the question, “What would a mom living in a tent in the Outback do?” helps to simplify things.

2) You will be up close and personal with someone else’s bodily functions—on a daily basis—for years on end.

Assuming you have more than one child and space them 1 to 4 years apart, you will literally wipe butts more times than you can count. Pee and poop. Poop and pee. Every single day. You might be saying, “DUH, Annie,” but you really should consciously prepare yourself for this reality. Motherhood is not glamorous.

You’ll know you’ve officially been initiated into motherhood when you have to carry the entire car seat—baby included—into the bathtub, peel layer after poopy layer off your child, and hose the whole business down while trying not to heave. Or when your child wakes up at 2:00 a.m. with a tummy ache, and while you’re feeling for a fever, the little darling suddenly pukes down the front of your pajamas. No, no glamour at all here.

3) The word “Mama” can be the sweetest sound you’ll ever hear.

It can also make you want to poke your eyes out with a crochet hook. We mothers look for those first discernible babbles, that first verbal recognition, with rapt anticipation. When your baby finally gazes at you and says, “Mama,” it just takes your breath away. Treasure that moment, because in four years when you’re trying to drive through traffic or talk on the phone, you’ll do so with the incessant, whining chirp of, “Mama, Mama, Mama!” ringing through your ears, over and over and over again.

Just hide the crochet hooks during those years, and you’ll be fine.

4) You will never sleep soundly again.

Well, maybe not never, but for at least a decade or two. Everyone expects sleep deprivation during the newborn phase, but even after your baby starts sleeping through the night (which, in my experience, happens around three months for about three weeks and then goes to pot once teething starts) you won’t sleep the same as you did pre-kids.

Any noise you hear could be one of them needing you. Your kid might be going through a phase of nightmares or insomnia, or he has a cold so he can’t breathe. Or, maybe the kids are all sleeping fine, but you’re worried about their health/behavior/development/schooling/etc. Or maybe you just want to treasure the time you have while they’re asleep, so you stay up way too late, only to be woken up at the butt crack of dawn by a kid sticking her fingers in your face and asking for cereal.

Whatever the reason, your sleep will never be the same, so don’t fight it. The good news is, by the second or third kid, you’ll get so used to being sleep deprived, you’ll hardly notice it anymore.

5) You will share all of your children’s joy and pain.

The intense love you have for your children will result in an intense amount of empathy. You will feel every hurt your children feel, from skinned knees to broken hearts. And you will rejoice in every one of their triumphs, from rolling over to tying their shoes for the first time. The connection between their emotions and yours can sometimes be overwhelming. And I’m told by moms with grown children that this doesn’t end. Ever.

6) You will never hear about a child being kidnapped or killed without feeling like someone has kicked you square in the stomach.

I remember watching an Oprah show about child abduction when my first baby was a week old. It was my first “mama bear” moment—the one where I knew with every fiber of my being that I’d step in front of a train without a moment’s hesitation if I knew it would protect my child. I was blown over by the force of it.

I had a similar reaction with my third baby when I realized that, as a boy, in 18 years he could be drafted and sent off to war. I believe my exact internal words were, “Over my dead body.” And I meant it literally. If someone wants to send my beautiful, sweet baby boy whom I’ve spent 18 or 20 years loving, teaching, and nurturing into a war zone to experience unimaginable atrocities, they’ll have to do it over my dead body. The instinct to protect is fierce.

7) There may be moments—brief, but frightening moments—where you can understand how child abuse happens.

While the instinct to protect is fierce, certain circumstances can push your instincts to the brink. Your baby is colicky, you haven’t slept in days, you’re hormones are all out of whack, you’re trying to comfort a screaming child, and for an ever-so-brief moment you feel like shaking them or tossing them across the room. It’s awful, but it’s true. If you’ve never had a moment like that as a mom, count yourself lucky.

My mom told me about her own brief new mom moment when her instinct was to chuck my brother out the window when he wouldn’t stop crying, and I was so grateful to know that it was normal. My mom is incredibly gentle and even-keeled, and about as far from abusive as you can imagine. If she could get pushed to the brink, anyone could. I’m not talking full-on postpartum depression or psychosis. Just flickering moments when terrible thoughts flash through your psyche.

Later, your toddler might be screaming uncontrollably at the worst possible time, or your six-year-old might be whining relentlessly, and for a brief moment you just want to slap them. It’s hard for me to even write that, because it goes so completely against my normal instincts. But there are moments. Everyone has them. Be aware of them and let them pass, and don’t beat yourself up. Thinking about it and actually doing it are two very different things.

8) You will always love your children, but you may not always like them.

There will be phases your kids go through—irritating, obnoxious, rude, dramatic, moody phases—where they ride your last nerve. And you’ll feel guilty and wonder what you’ve done wrong. And then the phase will pass and you’ll wonder how you ever felt any negativity toward them.

This is hard to imagine when you have a baby or a toddler. Babies start out cute, and they just get cuter and cuter until you can’t stand it and think you might explode from their adorableness. And then they turn three. And then four. And oh, seven can be a doozy. But these are just phases, and with patience and a little decent parenting, they pass.

9) Whatever good behavior you think your kids have mastered, expect to have to re-teach it again, and again, and again.

I remember being so proud of how polite my first kid was at age three. Please, thank you, excuse me – she was the poster child of courtesy. If she had it down pat at three, surely I could check that off my parenting to-do list, right? HA!

There’s a reason it takes 18 or so years to raise a child. And it makes sense that they’ll have setbacks, when you think about it. They go through phases and grow and change and have to adapt what they know to the stage they’re in now. Learning the art of the “gentle reminder” and being prepared to use it often will save you much frustration.

10) Your kids will change constantly, from their very first day out of the womb.

And you’ll change right along with them. Motherhood will keep you on your toes. As soon as you start to think you’ve got a handle on things, your kids will enter a whole new phase, or do something totally unexpected and awesome, or do something totally unexpected and atrocious, and you’ll have to re-figure out parenting all over again.

And you’ll find your own identity constantly on its toes as well. Your life and your purpose are no longer yours alone. Each baby brings with them their own life’s purpose, their own blessings, and their own destiny—all of which become intricately woven into your own.

You might worry about “losing yourself” in motherhood. But it’s important to recognize that on some very fundamental levels you’re never going to be the same person you were pre-kids. And that’s not a bad thing. You will get lost in motherhood, and it’ll be scary and disorienting and painful sometimes. But in the process you’ll discover a stronger, wiser, tougher, softer, realer version of yourself. Just give it time.

Welcome to Motherhood, new Mamas. It’s a wild and wonderful place to be.

10. Thou shalt not halt the hands of time, no matter how much thou wishest to do so.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/ten-commandments-motherhood/feed/04 Ways To Survive Having A Teenagerhttp://whattheflicka.com/whats-life-going-like-now-teen/
http://whattheflicka.com/whats-life-going-like-now-teen/#respondThu, 24 Mar 2016 07:00:40 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30162WELCOME TO YOUR NEW TEEN-DOM! You remember the saying “when you have a child, it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around your body”? I think it’s really true when you’re the parent of a teen or tween except it’s more like your heart is being stomped. I’ll never forget the day […]

]]>WELCOME TO YOUR NEW TEEN-DOM! You remember the saying “when you have a child, it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around your body”? I think it’s really true when you’re the parent of a teen or tween except it’s more like your heart is being stomped. I’ll never forget the day when I realized that with the onset of the tweens, our actual living “time” with our kids was well over halfway done. It was a sad day for me.

This is the age where your child will start to value their friends’ opinion over yours. They’ll spend whatever free time they have with their friends and not you. You will become seemingly uncool and clueless overnight and nothing you say or do is ever right. You can fight it all you want but it’s a fact of life and I imagine if you think back on it, they’re not acting any differently than you and I did when we were that age.

So, how does everyone survive? As the mom of 3 girls who break down into 2 Tweens and 1 Teen, my best advice is with skin thick as steel, a healthy sense of humor and a six-pack of beer. Your child will say and do the most whacked out things and at some point, you’re going to find yourself stooping to their level. You’ll react with punishments and groundings as off the wall as the crime that was committed.

“Not me” you say? Hah. Good luck with that. What can you expect? Well, let me tell you.

1. Grades:

The kid that loved school and had great grades? Don’t be surprised if they tank the first quarter of middle school. Gone are the days of the warm and fuzzy elementary school environment. This is where they are pushed to learn accountability and having ownership over their assignments. It was a hard thing to watch that first “lower than C” grade come home and then later a big, fat F, but we knew that we had to let them see first hand that this was a new game.

2. Friends:

Their friends start shifting at this age, too. The amount of kids in middle school is almost 5 times more than elementary school. Most likely there will be very few of the same kids in their class as they had before. Which means that not only are they meeting new people, but you are as well – because new kids mean new parents. The social life kicks into over-drive and you have to keep an even closer eye on it. I used to enjoy the parties where I could drop the girls off and come back in 2 hours. Now I really wish I could stay and hang out to keep a very watchful eye on the budding interest in the opposite sex. Sounds obvious but know the parents and if there’s a party, make sure that THEY (the parents) are aware of it. How many times did we do the old party flip-flop where we said they were having the party/sleepover and they said we were having it?

3. Communication and technology:

The vast majority of their interaction and conversations happen without a word ever being spoken. They communicate almost entirely by text, Twitter, Instagram and in a lot of cases Snapchat. Email doesn’t exist in their world. The rule in our house is if you have a phone and text, it is subject to random inspection and believe me – we enforce that. I’ve seen a few things that I didn’t like and there were consequences. But you have to take advantage of the fact that they do still look to you for guidance and use it to educate them. If you aren’t already familiar with the sites they use (such as Instagram and Twitter), I would strongly recommend that you get on these sites and familiarize yourself like, yesterday.

4. Attitude:

Ah yes, attitude. This is a tough one in our house. I remember being a 14-year-old girl and all the crazy stuff going on in my head and my body. My husband on the other hand, can’t relate as well. He sees the dramatic sighs and eye rolls as nothing short of disrespectful and while he is right in a sense, it really is nothing more than her attempt at creating her own identity and points of views. Decide early on what you’ll let roll off your back and what you won’t allow. For me the big one is to not be cruel or intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. There will be unpopular decisions made. I was once informed that I was SO overprotective and not fair because I wouldn’t allow DD to sleep over at an outdoor party. Uhm yeah… guilty as charged.. sorry if I’m not ready for Co-Ed sleepovers.

We can all agree that this is a trying time for all, but it’s also very rewarding just like every other phase. When they want to spend time with you, it is a great opportunity to reconnect with them. Don’t be afraid to ask questions to get a better idea of what they’re thinking and who they’re thinking about. Work “hot topics” into the conversation when the chance presents itself. Now more than ever they really need to know that you are there for them and that they can still come to you for advice.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/whats-life-going-like-now-teen/feed/0What Is The Best Way To Handle Sibling Rivalry?http://whattheflicka.com/think-best-way-handle-sibling-rivalry/
http://whattheflicka.com/think-best-way-handle-sibling-rivalry/#respondWed, 23 Mar 2016 01:05:40 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=30110Sometimes it can feel like instead of having children, you have a bunch of bloodthirsty tributes competing in the Hunger Games. Most of us as moms are a little too familiar with the dreaded (and annoying) sibling rivalry. We asked our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram friends how they deal with their kids’ competitive natures, and the responses are hilarious, honest, […]

]]>Sometimes it can feel like instead of having children, you have a bunch of bloodthirsty tributes competing in the Hunger Games.

Most of us as moms are a little too familiar with the dreaded (and annoying) sibling rivalry. We asked our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram friends how they deal with their kids’ competitive natures, and the responses are hilarious, honest, and insightful.

@FelicityHuffman age just has alot to do w/it . Most of my friends get along amazingly w/their sibs now as adults when they didn’t as kids.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/think-best-way-handle-sibling-rivalry/feed/05 Foolproof Steps For Surviving A Family Photo Shoothttp://whattheflicka.com/5-foolproof-steps-for-surviving-a-family-photo-shoot/
http://whattheflicka.com/5-foolproof-steps-for-surviving-a-family-photo-shoot/#respondThu, 10 Mar 2016 18:02:48 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=27605You know those impeccable images that arrive in your mailbox each holiday season? The ones where everyone in the family is looking out from the card smiling, laughing, hugging? They must be perfect families with clean kitchens, fancy jobs, and 2.5 consistently well-behaved, well-groomed children, right? Wrong. So very, very wrong. A family photo shoot with […]

]]>You know those impeccable images that arrive in your mailbox each holiday season? The ones where everyone in the family is looking out from the card smiling, laughing, hugging? They must be perfect families with clean kitchens, fancy jobs, and 2.5 consistently well-behaved, well-groomed children, right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong.

A family photo shoot with young children finds itself on my Stress-inducing Short List (of 1st world problems, that is). The time of day, the meal situation, whether the baby has pooped, whether your shirt is stained, if the weather will hold out, if your toddler will behave, if you will have the time and energy to get everyone dressed up… the list of needs and planning involved goes on and on.

Perhaps I’m a glutton for punishment, because despite the teeth-gritting stress involved in having a professional take photos of our family, doing so remains a priority for me. It’s one of those commitments I make every couple of years.

Why?!

Because it has always been worth it. Somehow, some way, the photographer has been able to capture many– not just one!— photos of our family in a particular stage of life, whether we are documenting a new baby coming home, a toddler chasing after her big brother, or our whole family just playing around our yard.I’ve learned a few tricks to improve our chances of a good shoot.

Feel like taking the plunge? Here are my hard-earned survival tips:

1. Provide snacks with real, actual sugar in them for you and the children. Eat them before and during the shoot whenever the kids need a quick breather.

2. Pick out clothing in advance. Talk to your kids about the clothes, let them help choose, etc. so that everyone is well aware and on board ahead of time.

3. Pick a photographer you feel comfortable with *(if you live in Minnesota, we love Michele at mQn!). If your kids are like mine (or really, like any other children in history), you’ll need someone who understands active, sensitive, inquisitive, persistent, impulsive, competitive, silly children… in other words, someone who can roll with the punches and laugh if your kid throws a stick at the camera (I’m looking at you, Michele!).

4. Bribes Rewards. You may feel guilty promising a new Hot Wheel if your son will cooperate for the next 20 minutes, or enticing your toddler with ice cream if she’ll take her finger out of her nose and smile, but again, the photos are worth a bribe or two. You’re paying good money, so do whatever needs to be done to get your kids smiling!

5. Have the photos are taken at your house and yard, or somewhere your kids are used to. This has been a huge help for our family. Plus, we like preserving our life as it is right now, and our environment plays a big part of that.

This post was originally featured on Julia’s blog, Frantic Mama. Photo via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/5-foolproof-steps-for-surviving-a-family-photo-shoot/feed/0How To Be A Parent Without Constantly Having a Panic Attackhttp://whattheflicka.com/how-to-be-a-parent-without-constantly-having-a-panic-attack/
http://whattheflicka.com/how-to-be-a-parent-without-constantly-having-a-panic-attack/#respondThu, 03 Mar 2016 22:41:12 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=28191If you are a parent, chances are you’ve spent more than a little time worrying about your children. It’s normal and it’s healthy to be concerned about the safety and well-being of our children. We are given a great responsibility when we are blessed with children and those of us who take our responsibility seriously are […]

]]>If you are a parent, chances are you’ve spent more than a little time worrying about your children. It’s normal and it’s healthy to be concerned about the safety and well-being of our children. We are given a great responsibility when we are blessed with children and those of us who take our responsibility seriously are likely to have some concerns about keeping our kids safe.

The problem begins when we worry so much that we become anxious or we make decisions based solely on the emotion of fear. Fearful parenting clouds our judgment and leads us to parent in a way that may pass on our anxieties to our children. This type of parenting does not set up our children for success and it may actually cause them to lose their natural instincts for safety.

Did you know that all of us are born with innate safety instincts? It’s that “spidey-senses” feeling you get in a situation that lets you know that something is not quite right. I believe that mothers are gifted with a generous amount of this instinct and that enables them to properly care for their young. However, the media manipulates that instinct on a daily basis by presenting everything bad that has happened in the world. It leaves many parents feeling as if the world is a horribly unsafe place for children. This leads us to both limit our own children and judge other parents’ decisions harshly. It’s a recipe for a scared world that may not actually be as scary as we think.

When my children were younger I suffered from what I now realize was an abnormal amount of anxiety concerning their care. It was very difficult for me to trust anyone besides my husband or our mothers with my children. My youngest child was six before we used a babysitter for the first time. Still, I was eventually able to turn things around so that I did not pass my anxieties on my children. Here are some of the things our family has put in place in order to practice fearless parenting.

1. Teach Safety, Not Fear

We teach our children what to do in case of emergency. We explain the difference between an emergency situation and a “kind of a big deal” situation. We explain the steps to take to remain safe in each type of situation. To give children information about how emergencies are more likely to occur and what to do if an emergency happens helps to lessen their anxiety, as well.

2. Stop Worrying About What Other Parents Think

In the past I have curtailed my children’s freedom in some situations based solely on what I imagined other parents might think. Stories like this one make us think that other parents are watching us all the time and are ready to label us a bad parent if our standards differ from theirs, even if there is no real threat.

If you are the kind of parent who is judging other parents on what you perceive to be unsafe parenting practices, now is the time stop. It seems to me that we can do more good by helping to watch out for children who are unsupervised for whatever reason than we can by reporting these parents to the police and disrupting a family’s life.

3. Think Critically and Back Up Your Worries With Proof

If you’re going to spend time wallowing in your anxiety, at least be able to provide proof that your anxieties are founded. Don’t just listen to the media’s account of stories. Research the facts. Figure out the statistics and you’ll probably see that the likelihood of most of the dangerous situations you fear is slim.

This practice starts before birth. If you are currently pregnant and wading information concerning childbirth practices, vaccinations, co-sleeping and many more, do your research. Your research should rely on more than what you read in the newspapers and catch on the evening news.

4. Monitoring is Fine, Hovering is Not

Be aware and be prepared. Then relax.

It’s really that simple. If have prepared yourself and your children by using the steps I’ve already listed, then there is no need to hover over them as they walk to a friend’s house, go to the park alone or stay home while you run to the store.

5. Provide Your Child With A Mobile Phone

The best solution for monitoring without hovering is to provide your child with a cell phone. It doesn’t have to be expensive — prepaid is great. If your eight year old is walking down the block to a friend’s house or your ten year old wants to go play at the neighborhood park, send them with a phone. You can check in with them, they can check in with you. It’s an important step toward empowerment and self-assurance and it will help to lessen your worries.

6. Practice the Buddy System

When we are traveling for soccer games with my oldest son, my 10 and 8 year olds like to go to the sports complex playgrounds while I watch the game. Our deal is that, if the playground is more than a quick run from me or my sight of them is limited, they must go together (and often, bring a cell phone). (The buddy system is for restroom breaks, as well.)

If one child were to sustain an injury, the other child could come get me. In the unlikely event that they are approached by a stranger, they can reinforce each other with the tools we’ve given them for dealing with strangers.

This post was originally featured on Allison Goines’ blog. Featured image via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/how-to-be-a-parent-without-constantly-having-a-panic-attack/feed/0Talking To My Toddler Son About His “Peanut” AKA Private Partshttp://whattheflicka.com/talking-to-my-toddler-son-about-his-peanut-aka-private-parts/
http://whattheflicka.com/talking-to-my-toddler-son-about-his-peanut-aka-private-parts/#respondThu, 04 Feb 2016 08:00:03 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=29049I’ve now reached the stage of parenting in which I’m supposed to start talking with my son about his private parts. Setting aside the fact that I feel as though I just gave birth to the Muffin Man, let’s discuss how bizarre it is to try to have a conversation with a two and a […]

]]>I’ve now reached the stage of parenting in which I’m supposed to start talking with my son about his private parts.

Setting aside the fact that I feel as though I just gave birth to the Muffin Man, let’s discuss how bizarre it is to try to have a conversation with a two and a half year old about his penis. In case you’re not familiar with what it’s like to converse with a small child about well, anything, it usually involves you speaking, your kid not listening, and then him repeatedly asking, “Why?” even when you’ve given him the answers 10 times in a row.

That’s what it’s like when you’re having a perfectly regular discussion about things like the sky being blue or what day it is. Imagine, if you will, attempting to talk with someone who doesn’t really have the ability for abstract reasoning and trying to impress upon this person why it’s not okay for strange people to touch his private parts.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/talking-to-my-toddler-son-about-his-peanut-aka-private-parts/feed/0Don’t Be Afraid To Get Your Hands Messyhttp://whattheflicka.com/dont-afraid-get-hands-messy/
http://whattheflicka.com/dont-afraid-get-hands-messy/#respondMon, 01 Feb 2016 08:00:24 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=29231I’m not scared of messes. Being a daycare provider I really can’t be. I’m not here to worry about messes, I’m here to provide kids with good memories and fun learning experiences in a safe environment. One of my favorite ways to do this is through sensory activities. I’ve had flour buried into my carpet […]

]]>I’m not scared of messes. Being a daycare provider I really can’t be. I’m not here to worry about messes, I’m here to provide kids with good memories and fun learning experiences in a safe environment. One of my favorite ways to do this is through sensory activities. I’ve had flour buried into my carpet and I’m still finding beans all over my house a month after taking away that sensory bin. After speaking with hundreds of people at a recent vendor show we were a part of, one thing sticks out in my mind: many parents could stand to loosen up a little.

Read any pediatric journal, parenting magazine, or site and you will find TONS of research and opinions on the recent crisis we are finding our kids in. Not only are we dealing with obesity in children more than ever, we are dealing with behavior and social issues. Everyone has their theories as to why this is happening to our children. I have long thought that this was a result of too much screen time and too many scheduled activities and not enough time just playing. Kids are no longer left to their own devices (not the technical kind). Gone are the days of finding out and experimenting on their own. Kids are no longer allowed to fail and pick themselves back up. In a culture where failure is looked down upon, parents are scared to let their kids fail at even the simplest things.

This is why I love (safe) sensory activities. Kids are allowed to play with it however they see fit. They can eat it and spit it back out when they realize it tastes horrible. They can throw it up in the air and find out what happens when it comes back down (an excellent lesson on gravity). They learn that they can make the biggest mess but must help clean it up. They learn what it feels like in between their hands, toes, or in their hair. They can experiment, they can have good experiences and bad experiences in safe and (semi-controlled) activities. Yet, when this is proposed to parents, I was met with a shocked look and a “but that will make my house messy!”

Loosen it up parents. I’m not saying live in a pig sty (which sometimes I feel my house turns into at the end of the day with 6 kids running around) or to let your children run wild. I’m saying let your kids get their hands messy, get your house messy too (they can help clean it), and let them play. Just play. With no interventions or no hearing, “Eeewww, that’s gross. Don’t get too messy!”

And good lord parents, don’t worry if your child’s hands have marker on them from coloring or if they get their shirt dirty. Stop worrying about muddy shoes or wet pants from jumping in puddles. A shirt can be cleaned, but memories are only made once. Kids are only kids once. Let them live it, learn from it, and love it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go vacuum up about a pound of flour “sand.”

This post was originally featured on Ashlen Sheaffer’s blog, Kidsperts. Featured image via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/dont-afraid-get-hands-messy/feed/06 Weird Things Kids Do That Every Parent Remembershttp://whattheflicka.com/6-weird-things-kids-every-parent-remembers/
http://whattheflicka.com/6-weird-things-kids-every-parent-remembers/#respondFri, 29 Jan 2016 08:00:07 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=29157They say that you lose a percentage of brain cells every time you have a child, and based on how many times a day I misplace my keys I think this is definitely true. It’s purely a case of survival of the species; if you did remember every little thing about childbirth and parenting, you would […]

]]>They say that you lose a percentage of brain cells every time you have a child, and based on how many times a day I misplace my keys I think this is definitely true. It’s purely a case of survival of the species; if you did remember every little thing about childbirth and parenting, you would never, ever have another kid.

I’m constantly amazed at how little I actually do remember, especially since there wasn’t a long stretch of years between the Muffin Man’s baby years and the Little Lady’s first months of life.

Chalk it up to sleep deprivation or permanent Mom brain, but it’s almost as though I have no recollection of Noah’s first year of life. In fact, I’ve found myself turning to my Husband on an almost weekly basis and saying, “Oh yeah, I completely forgot about this.”

1. The grunting newborn.

Apparently not every baby does this, but both of my kids grunted in their sleep. I’m not talking about soft, cuddly little whimpers, but loud, 80-year-old-man-trying-to-poop sounds. And it wasn’t just once or twice a night, but all night long. Which would be fine if this small, grunting human wasn’t sleeping right next to you. It’s usually caused by gas or reflux and yes, your baby will grow out of it, but not before you are so exhausted that you fall asleep standing up in the shower.

2. So many sleep regressions.

Just when you think your kid has mastered the whole sleeping thing, it’s time for another developmental milestone that’s guaranteed to F up your sleep schedule. Have an infant who’s finally sleeping longer than two hours at a time? Enjoy it, because she’s sure to be back to her old sleepless tricks right around four months. Your one year old is sleeping through the night and you no longer feel like a Zombie? Don’t worry, you’ll be back to your sleep deprived self thanks to teething and/or starting to walk. Even when you think the worst of it is behind you, you’re sure to get hit with night terrors or the stomach flu or him being convinced that monsters live under his bed. Exhaustion is a parent’s permanent state of being, and I suggest you invest in a coffee maker that automatically brews your morning elixir before the sun rises (trust me, you’ll need it).

3. Throwing food.

Gravity is fascinating, especially when combined with how thrilling it is to watch your parents repeatedly pick up half-eaten food stuffs. One of the more popular moves for newbie eaters is to sweep everything from their high chair onto the dining room rug. Don’t bother picking up whatever gets thrown on the floor, as it only encourages your kid’s use of food for pitching practice. This stage does pass, though not before you find yourself sobbing over your ruined rug.

Pro tip: invest in an indoor/outdoor rug for your eating area and save that vintage kilim for when the kids are older.

4. When no means yes.

This is truly one of the most annoying stages of which I had no memory. There’s a period of time when your kid is old enough to do dangerous and/or annoying stuff, but not quite old enough to understand the concept of no. During this period you will have to repeatedly remove your child from various life threatening activities that she persists in doing over and over and over again. You will find this annoying and exhausting, and your child will find it hilarious. She will probably laugh hysterically while you lose your shit because she’s attempting to climb out the window for the sixth time in five minutes. This too shall pass, and then your kid will become a toddler who does understand the word no but does it anyway just to f*ck with you and see if you really do follow through on that whole “no TV for a week” threat.

5. The biter.

I’m pretty sure every kid has a biting phase. This does not mean that your child is going to be a preschool bully or that he is going to be labeled a biter and not invited to any playdates. If your kid is a young toddler and doesn’t yet have the words to express herself, there’s a very good chance that she is going to bite you or her sibling if she gets angry. Biting hurts and yes, I do have a scar on my upper arm from a previous incident involving a 15 month old Noah, but the good news is that most kids stop biting once they have a more evolved vocabulary. If your kid doesn’t stop this behavior, you can always try the Teeth are Not for Bitingbook, or simply comfort yourself with the knowledge that he will one day appeal to a woman of the Fifty Shades of Grey variety.

6. The boob man.

I don’t know if this is only a thing with kids who are breastfed, but both of my children have, at one time or another, been obsessed with feeling me up. I guess they take after their Father? It’s been quite some time since Rose has used me as a food source, but at any random moment, specifically during inopportune times, she will just reach right down my shirt and grab one of those pancake-like appendages that used to be my perky boobs. She has no shame and I am entirely sure that I have inadvertently flashed quite a few checkers at my local Trader Joe’s. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it and then she’ll do what her brother does when she sees me naked: point, laugh and tell me I look funny.

Come to think of it, maybe it’s good that the only thing I can remember these days is my name and my address.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/6-weird-things-kids-every-parent-remembers/feed/0100 Super Fun Indoor Activities To Do At Home This Winterhttp://whattheflicka.com/100-super-fun-indoor-activities-home-winter/
http://whattheflicka.com/100-super-fun-indoor-activities-home-winter/#respondWed, 27 Jan 2016 08:00:16 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=29132We live in Iowa. This means 3 things: corn, nice people, and harsh winters. I’ve always dreaded winter’s arrival, but I dread it even more now that I have kids. We spend more time than we’d like indoors, but I’m always have ideas for those days or weekends we get snowed in or it’s too […]

]]>We live in Iowa. This means 3 things: corn, nice people, and harsh winters. I’ve always dreaded winter’s arrival, but I dread it even more now that I have kids. We spend more time than we’d like indoors, but I’m always have ideas for those days or weekends we get snowed in or it’s too cold to go anywhere. Here’s our 100 favorite indoor activities that we reserve for winter time:

98.) Make your own crayons. Use up those half broken crayons, an ice cube tray, and the microwave

99.) Build things with mini marshmallows and toothpicks

100.) Fun with flashlights. Take advantage of the sun setting early (incredibly early) and save some electricity. Use flashlights to make shadow puppets (followed by a game of “can you tell what I’m making?”) or play hide n’ seek in the dark or my kids favorite (which always ends in someone getting hurt) is tag in the dark.

This post was originally featured on Ashlen Sheaffer’s blog, The Kidsperts. Featured image via.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/100-super-fun-indoor-activities-home-winter/feed/0This 8-Year-Old Boy Asked For A Makeup Lesson For Christmas & He Totally Rocked Ithttp://whattheflicka.com/this-8-year-old-boy-asked-for-a-makeup-lesson-for-christmas-he-totally-rocked-it/
http://whattheflicka.com/this-8-year-old-boy-asked-for-a-makeup-lesson-for-christmas-he-totally-rocked-it/#respondWed, 20 Jan 2016 08:00:28 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=29081We’re pretty sure that this little boy can apply makeup better than all of us combined. 8-year-old Ethan recently received his dream Christmas present; a gift card for a personal lesson with a professional makeup artist. Not only is Ethan really good at doing makeup, but his mom is a total badass for supporting and encouraging […]

]]>We’re pretty sure that this little boy can apply makeup better than all of us combined.

8-year-old Ethan recently received his dream Christmas present; a gift card for a personal lesson with a professional makeup artist. Not only is Ethan really good at doing makeup, but his mom is a total badass for supporting and encouraging her son’s dreams.

Ethan with Florida-based makeup artist Joey Killmeyer.

“He is a very artistic child and loves to express himself creatively, whether through drawing, gymnastics, or performing arts,” Wilwert (Ethan’s mom) said. “This is just another form of that expression.” (via).

Ethan’s mom got the idea for a makeup lesson gift card thanks to a recent shopping trip she took with her son to MAC cosmetics. While there, Ethan was asking the beauty technician about how to apply makeup, and was very curious about the process. Wilwert thought that if her son had the opportunity to learn directly from a makeup artist, he would be thrilled.

“The Florida-based makeup artist, who has worked in the style industry for over 15 years, was touched by how supportive Ethan’s mother was. ‘It shows me the world is changing from when I was his age and that there is hope for kids who are different,’ he wrote on Facebook along with a photo.” (via).

We love all of the outpouring of positivity that not only Ethan is receiving, but his mother and the makeup artist as well. As for the haters? Wilwert says she doesn’t read the negative comments. And why should she?! So many people are coming forward, expressing how for so long they were afraid to truly embrace who they were, and this story of Ethan is incredibly encouraging. It’s concrete proof that little by little, our world is beginning to change.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/this-8-year-old-boy-asked-for-a-makeup-lesson-for-christmas-he-totally-rocked-it/feed/05 Ways Motherhood Absolutely Changed My Fabulous Lifestyle (Dinner at 4pm, Anyone?!)http://whattheflicka.com/5-ways-motherhood-absolutely-changed-my-fabulous-lifestyle-dinner-at-4pm-anyone/
http://whattheflicka.com/5-ways-motherhood-absolutely-changed-my-fabulous-lifestyle-dinner-at-4pm-anyone/#respondWed, 13 Jan 2016 08:00:15 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=28571Back before I had kids, and even when I was pregnant, the Hubs and I used to talk about how we would never let parenthood significantly change our lifestyle. We thought for sure that all these people with kids who no longer had lives were just doing it wrong and that we would be different. […]

]]>Back before I had kids, and even when I was pregnant, the Hubs and I used to talk about how we would never let parenthood significantly change our lifestyle. We thought for sure that all these people with kids who no longer had lives were just doing it wrong and that we would be different.

Are you laughing at how delusional we were? You should be, because parenthood completely throws your life into a tailspin. If you think kids aren’t going to dramatically change your lifestyle then you must be planning to pay someone else to watch them…24 hours a day.

1. You will eat dinner at 5pm (or earlier).

It is pretty much guaranteed that you will find yourself at a restaurant eating dinner while other patrons are still finishing their lunch. You would’ve been horrified at the idea of eating before 8pm prior to having kids, but now you are thrilled to eat the Early Bird Special if it means your child will go to bed at 7pm and leave you alone for a few hours to watch Game of Thrones while you drink a glass of wine.

2. You stick to a schedule and you do not deviate from it for anyone.

Your childless self thought that people like you were just party-pooper control freaks. Now that you have a child who you really, really want to sleep, you understand the value of maintaining a routine for your offspring. Guess what’s more fun than a flag football game that starts at 11:30am? Your kid sleeping through the night. If it’s scheduled during nap time, you’re RSVPing “No”.

3. Last call is 9:30pm.

You know what I used to be known for? Closing down a bar. The only thing that slowed me down was trying to walk in heels after six drinks. If you were having a party I would be there and I would stay until the bitter end, and I swore up and down that having a kid would not change that. I may still be fun, but only if your party starts at 5:30 and ends at 9pm, because my kids don’t care if I’ve had a late night. They still get up at 7am, whether Mommy’s slept it off or not. So the only bar I’ll be “closing down” is the one in my living room, and last call is at 9:30.

4. You dread traveling.

Traveling the world used to be your thing. Exotic locales, tropical breezes, and international destinations are thrilling…until you have kids. I can barely handle packing up all the crap I need just to take my kids to the neighborhood park, so there is no way I’m going to be jetsetting anytime soon with two little ones in tow. Traveling is like the trifecta of parenting Hell: your children are off of their routines, in an unfamiliar environment without all of their favorite toys and food stuffs, and the time is different. Crossing the International Date Line is a recipe for lost sleep. I would rather jab my eyes out with a hot poker than take a plane trip across the world with my children. Last I checked, vacation is supposed to be relaxing, so therefore it shouldn’t involve taking kids along.

5. You will want to sleep more than you want to have sex.

Way, way back, when I still had perky boobies and lots of energy and no children I never imagined that there would come a time when I would prefer sleep over sex. Oh, I was so young and naive and well rested! Sleep is a precious, endangered commodity in the jungle of parenthood, and you need as much of it as you can hoard. There will be plenty of opportunity for sexy times when you’re well rested and not in danger of falling asleep before you climax.

The reality is that once you have kids, life as you know it is thrown completely on its head. But please, tell me how you’re going to be different, and I’ll smile and nod and look forward to running into you at my local sushi restaurant at 4:45pm.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/5-ways-motherhood-absolutely-changed-my-fabulous-lifestyle-dinner-at-4pm-anyone/feed/0Who Is That Frantic, Disheveled, Crazy Mom Dropping Her Kid Off At School? Oh, It’s Just Me.http://whattheflicka.com/who-is-that-frantic-disheveled-crazy-mom-dropping-her-kid-off-at-school-oh-its-just-me/
http://whattheflicka.com/who-is-that-frantic-disheveled-crazy-mom-dropping-her-kid-off-at-school-oh-its-just-me/#respondFri, 08 Jan 2016 08:00:07 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=28715When we moved over the summer, we ended up being only a few blocks away from the hummingbird’s school. I had these images in my head of walking her to school in the morning, hand in hand, with all the time in the world. Easy breezy. In reality, I think that has only happened once. […]

]]>When we moved over the summer, we ended up being only a few blocks away from the hummingbird’s school. I had these images in my head of walking her to school in the morning, hand in hand, with all the time in the world. Easy breezy.

In reality, I think that has only happened once.

No matter how much time we have in the morning before she has to go to school, time escapes us and chaos ensues. Every damn morning.

I make her lunch the night before and have her lay out her clothes for school. I make sure her backpack and school folder are all set to go. Most of the time, I even remember to put her lunch in her bag before we leave the house. Yeah, I’ve gotten the call about my 6 year-old finding that I forgot it. Whoops.

I’ve found that I am happy as hell when she actually wants to eat school lunch since that’s one less thing to worry about getting done.

Despite ALL of the preparation, that easy breezy walk to school ends up being a mad dash to the car and a drive only a few minutes away instead.

Me: “We have to leave in 10 minutes! Have you brushed your teeth and hair? No? Well, please do that now. Sweetie, we need to leave soon. You can watch Paw Patrol once you get home from school. Why aren’t you dressed yet? Did you brush your teeth? Okay, we need to leave in 5 minutes. No, you don’t need to change your clothes. Wear what you have on. It looks fine. Please, we really need to go in a few minutes.

We end up rushing to school in the car, I park since they don’t have a car drop off/pick up area in front of the school, and we zoom across the school grounds and go inside. As we do this, I see the easy breezy moms walking their kids into the school. Some are pushing strollers and may have a meandering toddler, along with their school age child. These moms don’t even seem to be breaking a sweat. They look so put together and are often chatting with other moms even though time is ticking away before the late bell.

There are a few moms I see with their hair and make up on point. Wearing skinny jeans, ankle boots, and a shirt that isn’t wrinkled. The nail in the drop off coffin is that these moms are almost always holding a Starbucks coffee. The two Starbucks we have in the entire area aren’t close by.

It would be one thing if they had a coffee from a nearby place but they have time to presumably shower in the morning, put on full make up and have perfectly coiffed hair, wear clothes that could go from day to a night out with the girls, get their children ready for school, AND on top of that they have plenty of time to drive 20 minutes to and from Starbucks before dropping their kid off at school.

I’m jealous!

And then there’s me. I’m so busy getting my one child ready for school that there are days I can’t even remember whether or not I even brushed my hair. I’m usually in my pajama pants and ugly but oh so comfy Uggs, wearing my husband’s comfy and oversized warm jacket. I’m also usually starving since I was only able to have a few bites of breakfast in between yelling for my daughter to HURRY UP, and I’m in desperate need of caffeine.

What’s worse is that I’m not much better when it comes to picking my daughter up from school. Except for getting a shower. I’ll get so caught up in doing things around the house and running errands. When I check the time, I’ll be happy to see that I have an hour or two before the hummingbird needs to be picked up.

I’m not sure what happens in that time… maybe I’m abducted by aliens and my sense of time gets screwed up from it but it never fails that the next time I check the clock, it’ll be 10-15 minutes before I need to pick her up. Wtf? So, instead of that easy breezy walk to her school in the afternoon, once again I’m making a mad dash to the car to get there on time. And of course, the couple of times I’ve been a few minutes late are the days she gets out of class early.

I know I’m just not cut out to be that chill mom bringing my kid to school with plenty of time to spare but maybe some day, I will actually have time to put on some real pants. Probably not, but I can dream.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/who-is-that-frantic-disheveled-crazy-mom-dropping-her-kid-off-at-school-oh-its-just-me/feed/0How To Lose Your Mind This Winter With Your Toddler In 14 Easy Stepshttp://whattheflicka.com/how-to-lose-your-mind-this-winter-with-your-toddler-in-14-easy-steps/
http://whattheflicka.com/how-to-lose-your-mind-this-winter-with-your-toddler-in-14-easy-steps/#respondTue, 05 Jan 2016 08:00:58 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=28914Winter sucks. Trying to get through winter with a toddler brings new meaning to the concept of suckiness. Sure, it’s awesome to watch your kid play in freshly fallen, powdery snow. And the first real snow day, with no school or work? It turns even the most jaded adult into a third grader again, dreaming […]

]]>Winter sucks. Trying to get through winter with a toddler brings new meaning to the concept of suckiness.
Sure, it’s awesome to watch your kid play in freshly fallen, powdery snow. And the first real snow day, with no school or work? It turns even the most jaded adult into a third grader again, dreaming of cuddles under the covers and hot chocolate after playing outside.

It’s absolutely amazing…until it’s not. And the “not” happens very quickly when you’re a mom. You realize that rosy glow from the cold might be the beginning of hypothermia, that your cooped-up toddler is literally bouncing off the walls, and that months upon months of tundra-like conditions will make you lose your sh*t on a weekly basis.

There’s no fighting it. This is your inevitable 14-step descent from denial to depression to acceptance and back again. Grab a mug of hot chocolate (with a little Bailey’s thrown in for good measure) and settle in for the cold, bumpy, germy ride.

Step 1: Experience the season’s first snowfall.

It’s wondrous and beautiful. You take Instagram-worthy shots of your kid in the snow. You giggle like a schoolgirl with your toddler as you belt out “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” while making your very own Olaf. Winter? You can do this. Until 36 hours go by and the snow turns slushy…then icy…then yellow. And you have to wear your sensible boots for the next three months.

Step 2: Stay inside to do Pinterest projects.

You’re not usually the craftiest of moms, but look at all of these cute, creative ideas! You’ll transform paper plates into snowflakes, you’ll create a mini Arctic menagerie out of pipe cleaners and discarded wine corks, and you’ll make fake snow out of shaving cream and conditioner. How clever are you?!

Step 3: Stay inside because it’s just too damn cold to go outside.

It was nowhere near this cold yesterday, was it? Now you’re apparently living on Hoth. But you’re still OK, even though you’re now out of Pinterest-project ingredients, as well as personal-hygiene products. Instead of risking frostbite with a toddler who refuses to put on gloves, you decide to bake cookies and play 283 games of hide and seek. (Conservative estimate.)

Step 4: Go out because you can’t take it anymore.

Everyone’s starting to go stir-crazy, and if you bake one more batch of cookies, you’re going to turn into the Pillsbury Dough Mom. So you go to a children’s museum or some similarly enclosed area where other stir-crazy parents have brought their kids—including their sick kids. Thanks, random strangers!

Step 5: Your toddler gets sick from your day out.

If you’re lucky, it’ll be a cold. If not, you’re going to get puked on. Repeatedly.

Step 6: Just as he’s starting to feel better, you catch whatever he had.

Because of course you do.

Step 7: Your toddler has a particularly bad stretch of sleeping.

As in, he has no interest in doing it, due to residual coughing, random teething or, you know, being a toddler. This only prolongs your sickness and makes you feel worse in every way.

Step 8: Try to limit TV time.

Even though you’re miserably sick, you’re still trying to be a good parent. You might allow an extra episode of Sesame Street or Daniel Tiger, but that’s it. You’ll play dinosaurs on the couch, be the co-architect of elaborate Play-Doh creations, cuddle and read books, and encourage your toddler’s ability to play independently.

Step 9: Give in and binge-watch Frozen.

Because let’s face it: You feel like something Sven coughed up and you can barely keep your eyes open, let alone entertain another (very needy) person. By the way: The cold never bothered you anyway, Elsa? You’re on crack.

Step 10: Feel like the worst parent ever.

But not necessarily bad enough to stop doing what you’re doing. One more movie won’t stunt a kid’s brain development that much, will it?

Step 11: Seriously consider moving to Fiji.

The daydream starts to impair your daily functioning, and you start Googling affordable beach cottages. Your wardrobe will consist of bathing suits and flip-flops, and you’ll live on coconuts and fish you’ve caught yourself. Think of all the money you’ll save! You’re totally going to make a spreadsheet and present it to your husband tonight.

Step 12: Have a mini breakdown.

Your husband may seriously question your sanity, but at least he’ll take over kid duty for the next few days so you can get some much-needed rest.

Step 13: Start to feel better.

It’s amazing how much better you are at this parenting thing when you feel like a human being. You can do this.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/how-to-lose-your-mind-this-winter-with-your-toddler-in-14-easy-steps/feed/0The Real Version Of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” That Every Parent Can Relate Tohttp://whattheflicka.com/the-real-version-of-twas-the-night-before-christmas-that-every-parent-can-relate-to/
http://whattheflicka.com/the-real-version-of-twas-the-night-before-christmas-that-every-parent-can-relate-to/#respondWed, 23 Dec 2015 08:00:59 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=28866‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through our house, not a creature was quiet. Not even the mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with tape, and pieces of food – bananas and grapes. The children weren’t nestled, nor snug in their beds. They were singing and dancing with hats on their […]

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/the-real-version-of-twas-the-night-before-christmas-that-every-parent-can-relate-to/feed/0No Toddlers, No Shirt, No Service: 6 Reasons Why Being A Server Is The Best Training To Be A Parent You’ll Ever Gethttp://whattheflicka.com/no-toddlers-no-shirt-no-service-6-reasons-why-being-a-server-is-the-best-training-to-be-a-parent-youll-ever-get/
http://whattheflicka.com/no-toddlers-no-shirt-no-service-6-reasons-why-being-a-server-is-the-best-training-to-be-a-parent-youll-ever-get/#respondMon, 14 Dec 2015 08:00:17 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=28402It is my personal belief that everyone should have to work in the restaurant business at least once in her life. Why, you ask? Mainly because I think it’s an excellent window into both the best and the worst of human kind, but also because having to deal with the demands of ornery customers is […]

]]>It is my personal belief that everyone should have to work in the restaurant business at least once in her life. Why, you ask? Mainly because I think it’s an excellent window into both the best and the worst of human kind, but also because having to deal with the demands of ornery customers is fantastic preparation for parenthood.

I’ve worked many a food service job, and the rudest, most horrible customers of my past have nothing on my toddler.

1. He sends back the dish. Unlike a restaurant patron, however, instead of politely asking for something that he finds more agreeable, my son throws his plate across the table and screams “I don’t want that!”

2. He’s rude to the staff. I had plenty of boorish customers during my time as a waitress, but to my knowledge no one ever threw their food at me. I have now lost count of the times my toddler has unrepentantly pelted me with produce.

3. The temperature is never right. For some reason, it seems to be impossible to serve a toddler food at an appropriate temperature. Things are either too hot or too cold, and God forbid a human under the age of three should have to wait 30 seconds while you fan a piece of fish, because in that minuscule amount of time he will have completely lost his willingness to try the offending food stuff and will refuse to eat it once it has cooled down. Hand a kid a glass of cold milk and he will, for sure, demand a “warm milky” instead. Beware the wrath of a child not given food at his preferred temperature, or “dinner time” will turn instead to “tantrum time.”

4. Ketchup. On everything. In the restaurant business there are always those customers who put salt on dishes before tasting them, much to the chagrin of the poor waiter who is forced to ask for a salt cellar from a mercurial Chef who believes that his dishes need no additional flavoring. Toddlers are like this with ketchup. If it’s being served to them, they want ketchup. There is no thought put into whether the food stuff is complemented by ketchup; if it is something they plan to eat it must have a side of ketchup. My son assures me that oatmeal with ketchup is delicious. I’ll take his word for it.

5. If Mommy made it, I don’t want it. This may be a phenomenon that is exclusive only to Casa Lane, but if I make something for dinner, Noah wants nothing to do with it. Forget eating it, he won’t even try it. If we go out to eat at a restaurant, however, he will ask for seconds of the exact same thing that he refused to eat at our house just the night before. He won’t touch the meatballs I make at home – he screams when he even sees them being prepared – but serve the kid the identical thing, from the identical recipe, at our local Italian restaurant, and he’ll eat four of them in one sitting. I know that I’m not exactly a domestic Goddess, but I don’t think my cooking is so bad that it deserves rejection before even being sampled.

6. He refuses to pay the bill and stiffs me on a tip. For all the trouble I go to, I should at least get some small token of appreciation. A few coins from his (full) piggy bank, or a “thank you for fixing me dinner even though I found it disgusting”, or a kiss on the cheek to show that he loves me, but no. No thanks are given around these parts. I’m seriously considering adding an 18% gratuity on every bill to avoid this blatant abuse of my serving staff.

]]>http://whattheflicka.com/no-toddlers-no-shirt-no-service-6-reasons-why-being-a-server-is-the-best-training-to-be-a-parent-youll-ever-get/feed/0Mommy Fail #8,702: The Tale Of The Butterfly Stencilhttp://whattheflicka.com/mommy-fail-8702-the-tale-of-the-butterfly-stencil/
http://whattheflicka.com/mommy-fail-8702-the-tale-of-the-butterfly-stencil/#respondMon, 30 Nov 2015 08:00:54 +0000http://whattheflicka.com/?p=28280At 7:30 in the morning, a 4-year old little girl asks her Mommy to help her with a butterfly stencil. Mommy is getting breakfast ready for the 2-year old, trying to take maybe one sip of the coffee she perked 45 minutes ago, and unloading the dishwasher to make room for the sink full of […]

]]>At 7:30 in the morning, a 4-year old little girl asks her Mommy to help her with a butterfly stencil. Mommy is getting breakfast ready for the 2-year old, trying to take maybe one sip of the coffee she perked 45 minutes ago, and unloading the dishwasher to make room for the sink full of dirty dishes that sat there all night (and most of yesterday).

“Okay, in a minute, sweetie.”

At 9:00 a.m., Mommy and the kids load into the car to run errands. The toddler is flailing his arms in frustration because she tried to buckle his belt for him. Her 6-year old son is describing his new iPad app in explicit step-by-step detail, asking every 7 seconds if Mommy is paying attention.

She asks again, “Mommy, when we get home, can we please do my butterfly stencil?”

“Yes, we will do it when we get home.”

12:00pm. Three sweaty kids climb out of the car. Mommy makes 92 trips to and from the car to unload the Costco groceries, dry-cleaning, snack cups, drink cups, a dirty diaper, and a half inflated balloon. The kids “help” by getting under Mommy’s feet and carrying one tiny item in one hand on each trip. The toddler takes off and runs toward the street. Finally, once everything is piled all over the kitchen counters and the boys are begging for lunch, Mommy spots the full cup of coffee she never drank this morning.

“Mommy, can we do my butterfly stencil now?”

“Just let me put everything away and make lunch. Then we will. I promise.”

Half-way through lunch, the 2-year old expresses his strong dislike for the eggs Mommy made and chucks his plate across the room. Mommy sees the exhaustion in his face and realizes that lunch is over and nap time is now. She carries a screaming 34-lb toddler upstairs against his will because he is “No tired! No nap!” and spends the next 20 minutes convincing him that yes, in fact, it is.

At 2:00pm, somehow the kitchen is still completely trashed. Only the perishable groceries have been put away. The 6-year old has begun a massive Lego project that is covering the entire dining room table. Mommy recalls that he has a baseball game tonight and his uniform is covered in mud, sweat, and maybe a tiny bit of pee as he had a close call after chugging Gatorade during the last game.

“Mommy, here’s my butterfly stencil! Can we do it now?”

“Yes. I just need start a load of laundry with your brother’s baseball uniform. Go set it up with some paper. I’ll be right there.”

Mommy enters the laundry room and discovers that there is (obviously) already a load of clothes in the washer. And the dryer is full (of course). When she emerges, holding the overflowing basket of clean clothes to be folded, she sees her daughter standing there, holding her butterfly stencil. Mommy looks at the table and sees that it is covered in Legos, end to end. She glances into the playroom, which has toys strewn about in post-tornado-like formation.

“Why don’t you pick up the playroom and make room for us to do the craft while Mommy folds these clothes? Then we will do it.”

Mid-way through folding the towels, Mommy’s phone rings. Daddy is calling with bad news. His work trip that was scheduled for next week is moved up and he is leaving tomorrow. Mommy now has some logistics to coordinate: a school event she now needs a sitter for, a baseball game she’ll need to carpool to, and a girls night she may have to cancel. She checks on her daughter, still picking up her toys, and tries to quickly send out a few emails and texts to figure everything out.

At 3:30 the toddler wakes up, crying, which means he did not sleep long enough and the next few hours are going to be hell. By 4:00, he is calm, changed, and playing trains. Mommy realizes she forgot to defrost the chicken for tonight’s dinner, which means she may need an alternative. She ransacks the cabinets and refrigerator for inspiration and ideas.

“Mommy, we never did my stencil.”

Crap! How has this not happened yet?

“I’m so sorry, honey. I need to figure out what we are going to do for dinner because we need to leave for your brother’s game soon. I’ll do it with you in just a minute, okay?”

Shit! The game! Mommy runs to the washer, finds the wet uniform and throws it in the dryer on full blast. 20 minutes later, Mommy gives up and says screw dinner (despite spending 4 million dollars at Costco today). She opts for grabbing dinner on the way to the game.

Once the 6-year old is dressed in his 90% dry uniform, she tells all of the kids to load up into the car.

“Mommy, do you think we will have time to do my stencil after the game?”

“You know what? Why don’t you bring it with you and we will do it there? But please go potty first and get your shoes.”

Once all the kids are pottied, shoed, and buckled, Mommy runs back in to grab waters for everyone, snacks for the game (because they WILL be hungry again 13 minutes after dinner), an extra diaper, and they are off.

Upon arriving at the game, the 4-year old asks, “Did you bring my stencil?”

Of course Mommy didn’t. She brought all of you, all of your waters, snacks for the game, extra diapers and wipes, a baseball bat, glove, and hat, and 5 toys trains to appease your little brother. And she swung into a drive-through to buy you heaven-knows-what for dinner.

At 7:30pm, on the way home, Mommy looks behind her and notices that the 4-year old is asleep in the car. The day is over. No butterfly stencil was made. An activity that would have taken 10 minutes was never accomplished. Mommy carries that sweet girl up to her bed, kisses her forehead, and goes back downstairs to pour herself a glass of wine. But before drinking it, she makes this and tacks it to her little girl’s bedroom door.