There are exactly FOUR reasons to prepare for the upcoming apocalypse. Exactly four, no more, no less. If you say otherwise you are wearing a dress. That rhymed, but is otherwise mostly useless. Anyway, here are the four reasons-ess.

1) GOD WANTS YOU TO PREPARE. BEST REASON, right? God wants you to prepare for Alien Laser Wombats, for the righteous shall survive. Of course, the existence of Alien Laser Wombats would seriously call some of the good book into question. As would zombies. Those things would be rather contradictory of the bible, so I guess that preparing for the apocalypse for those reasons might be considered an act of blasphemy. However, if it's a rapture-esque God-caused apocalypse, then that's a perfectly valid(by 'valid' I mean 'biblical') reason for the apocalypse, so preparation would be okay. Er, but, if you're already going to church on Sunday, you're probably as prepared as you're going to get. Okay, this reason sucks. Let's start over at #1.

I am 100% SURE that asteroids are less than 50% likely to be what kills us all forever permanently.

1) YOUR PREPARATION WILL SAVE OTHERS. Space asteroids will rain down hell upon us, and your preparation for that just-around-the-corner apocalypse is vital to the survival of your family and friends. Of course if you believe in evolution, that would be "reverse Darwinism", meaning if those people couldn't survive on your own then they shouldn't survive. Darwinism is pretty clear on this point. In this way, saving others would go against the natural order of things... So, accounting for all this, perhaps saving others is not a good reason to prepare. Okay. Let's try again.

1) WE MUST SURVIVE. The continued survival of the human race. It is imperative that our species survive! Humans are 100% responsible for all things awesome: the creation of toasters, bubble gum, Nicki Minaj, toenail clippers, and videos extolling the awesomeness of double rainbows. Did salamanders create any of these things? NO! Did flamingos? Heck no! Humans are clearly superior. The race that brought you McDonald's, genital mutilation, genocide, poaching into extinction, and the atom bomb should definitely be - Mkay those are kinda bad examples. This is very frustrating. The next reason will be better.

It is worth noting that millions of years of evolution has produced Nicki Minaj. NOW BURN YOUR NOTES.

2) Evolutionary superiority to all things. We are further along the "chain" than any other creatures on the planet. Of course, we haven't really got this interstellar space travel thing yet, but we could. ANY TIME NOW. Invading aliens will have mastered this, which means they are farther along the evolutionary chain. The zombies are presumably farther along the chain too. If we're talking gamma ray bursts or Global thermonuclear holocaust, it's probably not worth "preparing", since our evolutionary progress won't be worth a damn, and there's no amount of canned ham we could save up that would be adequate as the world will be unliveable. Oh my god this is depressing.

At least we have a future, am I right?

Screw it. Rather than continue my preparations for the apocalypse, I'm pouring me some Southern Comfort. Rocks, if you're wondering.

At least we got to #2, with "we must survive" coming through as the clear winner, though relatively weak-ass.

Next post: I'll examine four other reasons to prepare for the apocalypse: