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19 October 2005

Let's Talk About Sex (part deux)

These are the things I don't get about sex.

a) So you know when you're making out with someone? And there comes this bit when you're all heavy breathing and you go, throatily, "So, um.. do you have something?" and he goes, "Yeah, give me a second." Now I never know whether I should be insulted that he came prepared, or thankful, because now it means we can get on with it, instead of just putting our clothes back on and playing Scrabble. On the whole, I'm always a little bemused sorta teetering between insulted and grateful. It's not a good sort of emotion, bemused. I'd much rather he didn't have any protection and we went on this gigglesome Middle Of The Night condom adventure. So much more fun.

Of course, then there's the guy who carries condoms ALL THE TIME. I'm talking constantly equipped with the red and black Kamasutra* packet nestling next to his change. Sometimes when it's hot, you can see the outline of the condom in his wallet. He thinks it's saying, "Ooh. look at me. I'm getting some" when clearly it's saying, "Help! I've been in here since 1993!"

*Durex rips. Trust me. I know THREE people this has happened to. Which sorta defeats the purpose of a condom in the first place.

b) You know sex in the shower? How does that work exactly? See, I've tried it, only the water kept getting into my nose, which wasn't sexy because every two or three seconds I'd resurface sputtering. I know some people have managed great acrobatics in the shower but HOW? Do you wear scuba equipment? Do you hold your breath? How do you avoid constantly spitting out the water that's in your mouth?

c) So yeah, I know I'm going to write this and post this and certain people who shall remain nameless will either cackle furtively into their morning coffee when they read it and/or post a dirty comment or email me telling me what a slut I am for talking about sex. My explaination for those people, (coz I'm a fair kinda gal, I like everyone to have their own points of views) is that they've been watching too much Bollywood. So, yeah, in a country that's grossly overpopulated, our one medium of sex education shows us a) nodding flowers b) a roaring fire or c) butterflies. So it's really not that surprising that most people who grew up in the Era of the Nodding Flowers thinks sex is a like a nature documentary. ("Mummy, mummy, where's my pistil?")

On the other hand, even school didn't do a very good job with their sex ed. In class 7, they taught us about zygotes and x and y chromosomes (I aced that test by the way) but nothing about from whence they originated. I mean, I had all these books about how the man plants the seed and all, so for the longest time, I thought the guy had this actual seed (that looked a little like the cotton seed) which he put inside the chick's bellybutton.

I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a list for boys wasn't it? Oh dear. But I realised I didn't have very much to say. I mean, how to make a list for boys? You may think women are these mysterious creatures etc, but I swear, guys are ten times more confusing. Really. We never know what they're thinking (and when I say we I totally mean me)

And huzzah for this ongoing Bloggers vs. IIPM thing. I don't have anything new to add, so I'm just going to stand admiringly at the sidelines and clap. And say, really loudly, "Fuck the corporate world, biatch!"

Um.. about Durex, it rips most of the time because people can't figure out which side is inside, resulting too much friction, rip and burn! Taking a couple of seconds off the heated action will always get it right. While in shower get the taller one to keep his/her back to it and go into the water every now and then. Why can't you spit the water out? It is a much lesser, yuckier evil compared to the other body fluids being exchanged at that time.

lol.. been waiting for this ever since i read the first part. Have been a lurker here for sometime. But what prompted me to become a commenter was this line - I thought the guy had this actual seed (that looked a little like the cotton seed) which he put inside the chick's bellybutton. Coincidentally, I know a guy who had a similar opinion about the use of the bellybutton, till the third year of his 4 year engineering degree. He still gets his leg pulled, close to 5 years after "growing up" :D

Confession time:Aeons back, during a heavy make out session, when no more make out seemed possible without 'getting jiggy with it', in a minor reversal of roles, I mentioned, in a small voice that I carried protection incase...

Needless to say, no jiggy happened. We got married and now we have a large box of condoms(discount pack) for emergency purposes .

U better watch it....a few more posts on these lines and u shall lose ur individuality and turn into a blog smacking of A Sex and the City wannabe (and I say that with the best of intentions for a blog that I really dig)

sad though it is that I'm still unenlightened on this matter (and perhaps even sadder that i'm consulting a total stranger about it), I shall still go ahead with it. Are condoms really effective? I mean, I don't wanna find out that they aren't by experience.

i have been blogging for about five days now. good thing - blogging. takes you mind off the regular asinine. you get to be anonymous, and pretty much your own unhampered self, and meet other anonymous people pretty much their own unhampered selves.

however, vertebrate sleuth that i am, with my own 0.7 solution [a' la holmes], do you happen to be a certain SR?

The sex education in school part rings a bell.. In 9th standard or something, in the class about all chromosome stuff... this guy just stood up and asked, "Ma'm how do the male and female chromosomes come together?" We were like "eh?" what mischief is he upto? Only to find out later that the guy really wanted to know how it happend...

And I also remember the "man" who was 19 and still thought "A man and woman lie down together and after some hours, the sperm goes into the woman!!!" No he was not talking about sex that lasts for hours. And he really had no idea where the sperm went.

*sniggers*I remember Poo taking he-who-shall-not-be-mentioned into the bathroom the day we moved in to "show him the tiles"!!! There was a lot of tile-showing that ensued in the next couple of days, and incase you didn't notice, the sink got kinda loose too... oh wait, was that because of YOU? eM?!!! NO NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD BAD IMAGES!!!*shudders*

sorry eM, that was pretty much uncalled for. realized it a while after i had hit 'publish', but then it was too late. was reading through some of your earlier blogs, and then remorse hit me all the more.

I'd be offended if a guy DIDN'T have a condom! I mean, wtf, didja not think I was gonna be hot enough?

That said, back in my -ahem- more promiscuous days, I not only carried condoms with me everywhere, I had a little puch holding a bottle of silicone-based lube (just as safe, but doesn't turn sticky) and some poppers.

yeah, this is my favourite "i don't do sex" story of all times. so, i have this neighbour who's in her mid-20s and married for abt five months, right, and one day she comes over looking extremely confused and scared and whispers to my mother, "what are safe periods?"

and

my 19 year old cousins actually, really thought couples had sex ONLEE when they wanted to have kids. he'll be really grateful for the this URL, i think...:D

Once again...Love it. Sex topics are some of my favorite. Entry from behind in the shower negates the water in the nose factor...notice I said from behind not in the behind....shower sex can be amazing...height certainly plays a part though...Piece Out.