jeudi 8 janvier 2015

Animals that don't Exist

The
Uncontrolled-Urges Gene

Today,
we shall once again forfeit the safe haven of unequivocally animal
species, and venture into the strange realm at the frontier between
life and chemistry, where commmonly accepted definitions lose their
power and speculation takes over. But first, we must take a quick
detour to examine the notion of “parasite” genes.

These
genes are so called because they contribute little to the functions
necessary for life and reproduction. Instead of, for example,
determining the way muscles are placed, or our visual accuity, they
simply reproduce themselves within our genome, using up resources the
organism could otherwise use to further its cause as a whole. One of
these genes is the uncontrollable-urges gene, or, as scientists like
to call it, the Britney-Spears gene (“oops, I did it again”), BS
gene for short.

This
gene, in addition to shamelessly self-duplicating, also has another
effect, which, in the eyes of some biologists, takes it out of the
category of “selfish” genes: when in the presence of alcohol, it
undermines our ability to restrain ourselfs, shutting down
communication between our frontal cortex and the reptilian brain.

Analysis
of the genome of excavated skeletons through the ages show that the
BS gene appeared around one-hundred thousand years ago. At that time,
many human populations had already mastered the art of fermentation,
and it seems that the gene spread rapidly through all spheres of
primitive human society.

Today
it is present in over 99% of humans, and scientists estimate it is
responsible for over 30% of births, and 70% of minor misdemeanors,
worldwide. After its recent discovery, people accused of crimes
commited while under the influence have argued that the BS gene, by
inhibiting their inhibation mechanisms, made them non-competent, and
that thusly, they cannot be held responsible for their actions.
Judges have argued that “everybody knows alcohol makes you do
stupid shit since long ago, and that has never meant that people are
not responsible for their actions when drunk”.