Thursday, June 11, 2009

A seasoned hockey fan knows how to look for the subtle signs that a team is headed to victory: The steely look of determination in a captain's eye... the small but crucial lift provided by a raucous home crowd... the calming confidence of a veteran coach...

Then again, sometimes the signs point to a devastating defeat. And as a Leafs fan, that's sort of my specialty.

So Wings and Pens fans, I want to help. After all, if you're team is going to lose the biggest game they'll ever play, you might as well know in advance. So here are seven subtle signs to watch for on Friday night to alert you that your team just might not be winning the Cup.

Penguin fans

Your team is probably not winning Game Seven if you notice that...

Sidney Crosby is playing so poorly that Pierre McGuire has stopped blowing him, and is now merely dry-humping him.

The announcers repeatedly describe Marc-Andrew Fleury as being in "WJC gold medal game form".

Eklund just posted that his inside sources tell him that the Penguins are winning.

Detroit is so far ahead that Red Wings fans have actually shut up with their inane Gary Bettman conspiracy theories for five god damned minutes.

During pre-game skate, Red Wing players appear extra motivated by moving locker room plea to "Go out there and win one for Nik Lidstrom's testicle".

One of your so-called veteran leaders let himself be photographed next to a sign mocking the other team. No, just kidding, nobody would be that dumb.

The game turns out to be one of those flukey contests where the winner is decided purely based on which team has better hockey players.

Red Wing fans

Your team is probably not winning Game Seven if you notice that...

For some strange reason, tonight Pascal Dupuis is playing on Crosby's line, is having the game of his life, and looks suspiciously like a slightly overweight Mario Lemeiux.

Due to tough economic times, traditional "octopus" thrown on the ice appears to actually be two house cats staple-gunned together.

As the clock ticks down, excited Penguin teammates can be seen explaining to former Maple Leaf Hal Gill what the "Stanley Cup" is.

The official Cup engraver can be seen wandering the hallways asking if anyone knows how to spell "Goligoski".

Announcers mention that prior to taking the ice, the Wings received a fiery pre-game motivational speech from Matt Millen.

C'mon, the guy signed with the Islanders. At the end of his career. He's obviously bitter at the fact that he's still playing hockey in June. I bet Snow told him that he was being traded to the Panthers, not the Penguins.