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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Retraction

Editor's note: I'm going to try as best I can, but this post will likely be gross, disgusting and way too much information. Mom, you may not want to have Grandma read this one...

I thought I knew, but I had no idea. I'm sure I'll say that a lot throughout this pregnancy and whole raising a child thing.

We're going to approach this episode with a positive outlook. I know, it's a new thing for me too.

I didn't die.

I have a pretty good idea what labor is going to feel like (before you jump down my throat, I have confirmed this with three women who have actually gone through the birth process. So bite me.)

I didn't die.

This past week I was traveling. With traveling comes: dehydration from flying, eating foods you don't normally eat, lack of sleep and energy. These same activities also happen to be the perfect formula for the big c-word.

Constipation.

Every now and again in this here blog, I make mention of one's difficulty with pooping due to pregnancy. I. DIDN'T. KNOW. ANYTHING. I had it so good. I should've kept my mouth shut and not tempted the gods.

Since this is clearly a disgusting situation, we'll keep it high level.

I was in labor for 10 hours with a poop baby. Throughout these 10 hours, I went through the 5 stages of grief:

Denial (This can't be happening to me. Maybe I'm being shy because I'm out in public. I'm sure after I get back to the hotel, this will sort itself out.)

Anger (Are you even kidding me? This is ridiculous. Everyone poops. There's a book on it. This should not be this difficult!)

Bargaining (I swear, if you let me poop I will only eat spinach and apples for the rest of this pregnancy. I will not even look at a piece of cheese.)

Depression (I am never going to be able to poop again. I am going to be the first person who dies from not being able to poop. Maybe I should just end it all now before I die on the toilet bowl fruitlessly pushing.)

Acceptance (No one has died from lack of pooping. You will live, even if you have to call an ambulance to come save you--I didn't.)

Needless to say, I survived. Also needless to say, this sucked really big time.

So a few helpful hints for the future:

Never travel without Colace (the only approved stool softener for pregnant women)

Don't skip your prenatal vitamins--it may be the only fiber you get when traveling and eating out a lot (though a salad wouldn't kill you either...)

Lay off the cheese--no matter how temptingly delicious it is

Stay hydrated with water, Gatorade, Kool-Aid, whatever it takes...

Just remember: At some point, you will poop. It may hurt. It may take 10 hours. But it will come. Be patient and try to relax.

And that. Is that.

In less stinky (hah) news, I've officially hit the halfway point in the pregnancy. We're 20 weeks along...only 20 more to go! Our next appointment is the biggie...stay tuned for pictures and more...