How to Care for an Elderly Hoarder

Have you ever passed by one of those houses where the crooked garage doors are barely holding themselves together over the heaping bulge behind them?

Then one day, on your usual stroll of the neighborhood, those garage doors are popped wide open for the whole world to see. You shudder and gasp aloud. You don’t want to linger for too long because it is rude to stare, but you silently wonder how someone could live with floor-to-ceiling clutter that has been amassed for decades.

If you are only too familiar with this sight, let me offer you some reassurance that there is a path to purging. When I said yes to the job of caring for my elderly mother, I had no idea I was also saying yes to care for a house that had been equally badly neglected.

Driving up to my childhood home where my mother still lived nearly 35 years later, I see the lawn is no longer green, nor mowed. It resembles something out of the savannah that my father would have tackled in earnest at the first sighting of crabgrass—had he not passed away thirteen years earlier.

When my disheveled, eighty-five year old mother greets me at the door with her warm toothless smile and welcoming hug, I can tell there will be more moments like what Dorothy experienced in Oz when she said to her dog, “Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Nothing is recognizable to me.

It’s not like we ever lived with white-glove standards growing up, but we were a tidy family if you didn’t count the mud and blood the brothers were always traipsing in.

But, on this day my childhood home is operating at the highest level of dysfunction. Of five bedrooms, four are being used as attic space where wardrobes from thirty years earlier are sprawled across the floor, mixed in with old blankets and petrified briquettes of cat doo-doo. All I can think to myself is who is going to oversee the gut job needed on this house? Tearfully, I am afraid I already know this answer.

The garage looks worse than what you might imagine.

Even more disconcerting is the pile-up of paperwork saved since my father’s death. My old bedroom is filled with envelopes containing statements stuffed into them, then packed into shoeboxes piled onto the bookshelf, or tucked into drawers, or peeking out from beneath beds.

Depression-era parents. Need I say more? Thank goodness my mother is willing to put her trust into what she calls my good judgment. Health, Safety, Style becomes our mantra for the care that will need to go into her—and her home.

Here are the ABCs to beginning any difficult task: Assess, Begin, Carry On.

Assess

Every frontiersman knew to survey the land. What is the kind of stuff piling up, memorabilia or junk? Who will miss it? I feel a sense of responsibility to the other siblings to preserve their trophies, yearbooks, and kinder artwork—theirs to ditch if they so desire.

Begin

Before you can salvage anything, you need a good staging area.

Step 1: De-clutter the garage first.

Clear out discarded toys, bikes, and seldom used items

Find the Salvation Army or Goodwill that will pick up

Recycle nuts, bolts; shift furniture, find the floor, push a broom

Get rid of rusted shovels and the plethora of old tools

Clear off every shelf—discard paints and other chemical laden cans legally

Shred-It will make a house call affordably, taking mere seconds to do what will take you months with your home machine that will jam frequently

Step 2: Create smart centers within your garage

Laundry station-move an old bookshelf to store supplies

Errand station—use labeled boxes (library donations, record store, Goodwill, Accountant, etc.) as a reminder of which errands to still run

Paperwork station—tower plastic crates labeled for archived financial statements. Caution: never throw anything away until you understand what it means to your parent’s financial picture. I found wealth buried in the 85th box.

Step 3: Preserving childhood memories for siblings (3-piece set for each child)

2) Tri-fold board to stack on top of crate for holding Kinder art, or the like

3) Colored document pouch, zippered, 8.5” x 11” for important papers, flash drives, or special letters home saved by parents

Move an old dresser cluttering a bedroom to create new hub for sibling items

Carry On

Your job is not yet over. Paperwork sorting becomes my passion.

Step 4-Active vs. Archive File statements accordingly.

Active is for accounts paid in the past year. Scrutinize each to make sure your elderly parent is not experiencing financial abuse. File current month’s statement at front, older months behind.

Archive older statements from previous years. Keep these only for gleaning how money changed hands through investing or bank accounts. Cluster 2-3 years of old statements into one lidded plastic crate the size of a bankers box. Label front as “Archive 2014-2017”. Repeat this until all of your bundles are in separate bins. Once you get a handle on the Active, return to the Archives at your leisure to understand financial history.

Efficient closet makeovers will be the next blog posting here.

By Stefania Shaffer

Stefania Shaffer, a teacher, speaker, and writer, is grateful her WWII parents raised her to do the right thing. Her second book, the Memoir 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind has been called “imperative reading”. Funny and compassionate, this is the insider’s view of what to expect from your daunting role if you are the adult child coming home to care for your elderly parent until the very end.

The Companion Playbook is the accompanying workbook that provides the busy caregiver with the urgent To-do list to get started today.

Stefania Shaffer, a teacher, speaker, and writer, is grateful her WWII parents raised her to do the right thing. Her second book, the Memoir 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind has been called “imperative reading”. Funny and compassionate, this is the insider’s view of what to expect from your daunting role if you are the adult child coming home to care for your elderly parent until the very end.

The Companion Playbook is the accompanying workbook that provides the busy caregiver with the urgent To-do list to get started today.

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14 Comments

Mine were on the pack rats end keeping things “just in case.” After my mom passed and my dad was with me permanently, I flew back and forth to their home to complete the arduous and emotionally and physically draining process. Once it was done, it was a tremendous relief. My time and energy could then go fully and directly to my father who needed me, not a house 1200 miles away!

Mom died recently, while not a hoarder she and dad were both what we call pack rats, they keep stuff just in case they may need it someday. This past year she attempted to sort stuff but few things ever left the house. Now after going through a few drawers of papers I’m finding stuff from decades ago mixed with new papers. Luckily my son and I will continue to live in the house we all shared so I don’t have to rush.

After dad died moms AD accelerated dramatically and the clutter was unbelievable. Mom was a wanderer and frequently called the police on me, random neighbors, etc. I had to place her in memory care. After that I cleaned out her house. The hardest part was tossing clutter that I knew had meaning for her – we couldn’t keep it all. Old bookends made of beach rocks. The huge Mediterranean bedroom set with plastic fake wood trim that Goodwill, etc. wouldn’t take that I finally freecycled. The boxes of rotten fabric and papers. I’m glad she was not there when I did it it would have hurt her so much.

I has taken me a year to clean out the house after my mother in laws passing. When I was her caregiver and tried to get rid of anything she would dig it out of the trash and bring it back end. Alzheimers is so cruel.

Shelly Garrison McMillan yes it’s an evil disease. I had one week to clean out my parents house. It was so eerie being alone in the house I grew up in throwing things away, giving stuff away on Craig’s list. I’m not sure why but I had disco playing, reminded me of happy church youth dances in my family basement.

I think this simplifies it way too much. The task of going through, sorting, distributing, shredding, donating, cleaning, etc. can be a very long, tedious, exhausting and lonely process! You might be able to start while your loved one is still living, but maybe you work full time and have a family. Then, when the loved ones are gone, you still work, tend to your own family, have siblings that are physically unable to help, or live far away, and are overwhelmed with what’s still in the house. You go through every piece of paper to find bills, statements, checks and even cash. Your spouse doesn’t understand because his parents were very organized, and downsized before they passed away.

My mother was an intelligent woman, kind and a great mentor, she just couldn’t get past the depression era mentality of saving EVERYTHING! And unfortunately, it has taken a huge toll on me.

I recommend finding someone who specializes in organizing, and pay them to coordinate the project. It could save your health and sanity. I’m getting ready to take my own advice after over a year of what seems like a never ending project.

Helpful…hoarding can be a sign of cognitive decline or dementia…very tough to clean out stuff when they are alive…can cause catastrophic meltdowns and much consternation….we have spent thousands in storage and a shed…to house things of no consequence…it is more frustrating than you can possibly imagine…and unless I want to go through stuff like a bat at night..after a very long day…it will not get done because of the intense frustration to both of us…