The bastards at Sports Illustrated, in an effort to break up every relationship in America on Valentine’s Day, released the Swimsuit Edition today. Kate Upton is on the cover, wearing – at best – tea leaves tied together by string. And, returning for another year to prove that God still exists is everybody’s favorite section: bodypainting.

As you may have already heard, this year’s paintees(?) include US Olympic Swimmer Natalie Coughlin, golfer Natalie Gulbis, and U.S. Women’s Soccer player Alex Morgan.

Deep breath.

That sound you hear is cupid firing arrows into the heavens while males across the globe collectively Tebow.

The pictures of Morgan are somewhat disappointing, though, as we learn that it wasn’t just a super-restrictive Nike sports bra doing the dirty work in the World Cup– Alex really doesn’t have any boobs. But, then we realized there was a video of the photo shoot, and all was right with the world.

The moving picture actually includes the following line from Morgan: It was art today that they drew on me, I didn’t feel like I was naked, at all. Sometimes I would get uncomfortable, and then I would look at myself in the mirror and go “oh, I’m fine, I have a swimsuit on.”

Jesus. Obama should hire the evil geniuses who convinced her of that line to talk down Ahmadinejad. That’s the real art here– spinning nudity into whatever she just said.

The ass is all well and good, but it would still be distracting while she’s on top of you to keep reaching for something or trying to bury your face in her tits and nothing being there. I guess it’s all a matter of personal taste.