The Worst Christmas Movies Ever

Recently, I was asked by a website to write a list of my favorite Christmas movies. It was fun to do, and along with some obvious choices (A Christmas Story), I also threw in some films that, while not technically holiday fare, nevertheless take place at Christmas time (i.e. Die Hard). That list can be found here:

There have been so many Christmas movies over the decades that I was worried I'd forget something good. To jog my memory, I scoured the Internet Movie Database for titles related to December 25. In so doing, I also came to a disturbing realization: There have been many lumps of coal in my cinematic stocking. For that reason, I've compiled a second list, this time picking the worst Christmas movies ever. The titles below fill the season with unrest on Earth and bad will toward the folks who made them.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) - Okay, perhaps it has some camp value, but come on - Santa fighting space aliens? I think of many things when I think of the holidays. Extra-terrestrials are not among them.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) - A maniac dresses up as Santa and begins slaying (sleigh-ing?) people with an axe. This movie was quite scandalous when I was in high school, which is why my buddies and I secretly rented it one night. I don't necessarily think that the yuletide season and horror movies are incompatible (Gremlins is an example of how to do it right) but this is nothing more than a generic slasher flick with an exploitive theme designed for shock value. Inexplicably, Silent Night, Deadly Night spawned four sequels. (To contrast, consider that there are only three Godfather pictures.)

Jack Frost (1988) - Michael Keaton is killed and reincarnated as his son's snowman. That's just creepy. The subpar CGI work does nothing to mitigate the inherent ickiness of the plot - or the knowledge that the snowman will melt come spring, hence forcing the poor kid to lose his father all over again. Another reason I hate this movie is that, while driving home from seeing it, I got my first and only traffic citation. Had this insipid film never been made, I'd still have a spotless driving record.

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000) - No, it's not a sequel to the movie above. Instead, it's a sequel to another movie with the same title, this one about a guy who morphs into a bloodthirsty snowman after being doused in a mysterious chemical. The sequel finds him slaying victims in the Bahamas. That's right - he's now impervious to melting! I didn't put the original on this list because, quite frankly, I haven't seen it. However, I did catch this sequel on HBO late one night and it proves one thing conclusively: Movies where people turn into snowmen are just a bad idea all the way around.

Christmas With the Kranks (2004) - Tim Allen is the undisputed master of bad Christmas movies (see below), but this one is the worst. He and Jamie Lee Curtis star in a painfully broad slapstick comedy about a couple trying their hardest to avoid celebrating the yuletide, only to be bullied by their zealous neighbors into putting up decorations. I don't know what's more offensive: the story's idea that the holiday spirit can be literally forced into you, or its embarrassingly unfunny attempts at physical humor.

The Santa Clause 2 (2002) and The Santa Clause 3 (2006) - While no great shakes, the original Santa Clause movie was fairly inventive in its comedic attempt to explain the day-to-day workings of Santa, i.e. how he fits down chimneys with that fat belly, etc. In contrast, the two sequels were overblown, lifeless affairs that existed solely to steal money away from families hungry for holiday entertainment. The third in the series is especially repulsive, with Martin Short playing Santa's rival, Jack Frost. (Not the Michael Keaton snowman or the one who hacks up beach bunnies in the Bahamas...although perhaps that wouldn't be such a bad idea in this case.)

Trapped in Paradise (1994) - I'm not sure whose idea it was to pair Nicolas Cage onscreen with Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz, but it's little wonder that the film was plagued at the time of its release with rumors that the Method thespian despised his sketch comedy-bred co-stars. Or maybe he was just grumpy about having to appear in this witless story about three criminals who are unable to escape a small town on Christmas Eve. Trapped and unable to escape? Audiences who bought a ticket to this turkey felt the same way.

Eight Crazy Nights (2002) - Technically, a Hanukkah movie, but still eligible for this list. Don't get me wrong - I like Adam Sandler, and the idea of him doing an animated movie initially seemed clever. However, this turned out to be one of those "Adam Sandler gets left to his own devices and goes off the deep end with juvenile bathroom humor deals. Even with a slight 71-minute running time, Eight Crazy Nights is a chore to sit through.

Mixed Nuts (1994) - This creepy comedy has a strong cult following, so I'm sure that I will get some grief for including it here. (Trivia fact: the flick made only $6 million in its initial theatrical release!) Steve Martin plays a guy who runs a suicide prevention hotline, and a bunch of his employees/clients run amok on Christmas. Yeah, the crippling depression that some folks feel during the holidays...What a hoot! Now that I think about it, Adam Sandler co-stars, perhaps putting him only second to Tim Allen in the Crummy Christmas Movie Hall of Fame.

Surviving Christmas (2004) - Ben Affleck plays a guy in search of some personal therapy. So what does he do? He moves back into his childhood home - even though some other family lives there now! James Gandolfini co-starred, in an obvious attempt to "stretch" beyond Tony Soprano. The scene where he clubs Affleck over the head with a snow shovel feels faintly familiar, though. It may not be the same as putting Ralph Cifaretto's head in a bowling bag, but it's still pretty thugish behavior. Sitting through Surviving Christmas proves that finding a bucket of switches under your tree is not the worst thing that can happen this time of year.

I'm sure there are other lousy Christmas movies out there that I am forgetting (or have repressed). If you can think of any, please post them below. And have a happy, safe, and joyous holiday season!

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