How to Poop at Work

I have a girlfriend who refuses to go the bathroom in public. She will pee on herself (and she has MANY MANY times) rather than go to McDonald’s or Wendy’s or (*gasp) a hotel. And she always has a reason. She blames guilt. And grossness. And inconvenience.

Doesn’t matter what she says — the girl is still peeing on herself in public.

I dont have her problem.

I can tell you where every bathroom is in a five block radius. And, if I don’t know the area, Google does.

And I am one of those people who has no problem going to the bathroom at work.

NOT. AT. ALL.

But there are rules to using the communal restroom at work.

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NO ONE wants to smell you[/caption]

Courtesy flush

There is a reason the courtesy flush was invented. No one wants to hear another person fart or poop. Ever. Its one of those sounds that binds you forever to the other person. An you cannot unhear it. You just can’t. It’s ok when you hear little kids but to hear another adult’s bodily emissions sounds like eavesdropping on an incredibly personal conversation.

To use the courtesy flush one must understand the definition of The Courtesy Flush. So, what is the courtesy flush?

A flush in the middle of the toilet-sitting process in order to reduce the aroma…usually performed on a “foreign throne” as a courtesy to the owner of said throne… in other words, to be polite and not stink up the host’s crapper too much. (Thanks Urban Dictionary!)

Or

Flushing the toilet at the exact moment of a smelly bowel movement hitting the water as to minimize lingering oders that may eminate off the perpatrating poo. Keeping the bowl poo free will keep the bathroom odor to a minimum. ((again Thanks Urban Dictionary!)and don’t blame me for the spelling errors. That person did not spell check.)

In order to use the courtesy flush properly you must flush WHILE you are pooping. Not before. Not after. WHILE.

2. Master the quickapoo.

I pride myself on my quickapoo speed. In the duration of one common flush I can do my business and clean myself. No one ever gets to hear my body clear itself out. Why? Because I have mastered the quickapoo. The quickapoo is easy. Step one: push it all out. That’s it. Don’t hold it all in. Don’t wait for it to come out naturally while you swipe on Tinder. Sit and push. Then get out.

3. Don’t have a conversation

What is this? To be honest I only just experienced this for the first time at my new and current job. Bathroom talking is weird and uncomfortable. What on this green earth makes you want to talk to me after we both were just sitting on the potty? This couldn’t wait until we were both at our offices? Or better yet, just email me! Nothing is so important that we have to discuss it in the bathroom. Nothing.

And if you feel the need to talk to me in the hallway just outside the bathroom door that is also probably not an appropriate location. Your best options are always my desk and email. Actually those are your only options.

4. Wash your hands

I will never shake the hand or, use the same pen as or in any way physically interact with a person that did not wash their hands in the bathroom. that means water, soap and vigorous rubbing. Washing your hands does not mean you used hand sanitizer (seriously, why is that in the BATHROOM?). That is nowhere near the same. I need to see you turn on the water, soap your hands, rub them together vigorously then awkwardly try to turn off the water without touching the knob again. If that doesn’t happen please don’t be offended when I never let you use my pen again. Or touch anything you touch.

It’s not you. Its your deplorable hygiene.

And seriously, the fact that I had to address this makes me really sad.

5. Use a hand towel on the door

After you washed your hands what would move you to touch the door handle? Your hands are freshly cleaned. The door is not. Your hands have been sanitized with soap and warm water. The door handle has not. It’s simple math.

That’s it. It’s not hard. Bathroom at work rules are not hard. And I should not have had to explain them. But I did. So now there is no misunderstanding.