A showcase of an aspiring television presenter/writer

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I wasn’t jotting stuff down whilst watching this episode for a few reasons. Firstly, I got carried away trying to make a playlist that started off as ‘melancholic electronic’ but ended up being anything with bleepy-bloopy (industry term) sounds or a synthesiser in it. Secondly I was enjoying this episode too much. I think it’s one that will go down in The Apprentice legends, alongside:

I completely remember why I adore this show.

This week’s task was come up with a website and an advert, which already means great television is afoot. Adverts and The Apprentice go hand in hand like pasta and cheese, cheese on toast, any food with cheese…

Oh, and bacon flavoured beer. I’m still not letting that one go.

But what makes this task even better is what area the contestants have to work in: online dating. This would have easily made my Top 5 Apprentice Episodes Ever based on Alex’s shenanigans. Basically he makes lots of Fifty Shades jokes (“I’m Christian Grey of the Valleys” is a classic) and this happens:

Our poor Welsh Vampiric Underdog tries to go for Project Manager, having experience in Web Design before. He gets outvoted and the team put Jordan in charge. Jordan is the one who hasn’t got Web Design experience, is usually in the background milling around doing stuff but not much and tweeted this…

Interestingly enough, their team wins too. Not because they were great or anything, their dull corporate website clashed with their hilarious advert with mascara-d up Alex (or Herbert) and Unsayshuhbuhl Nuhdeen Leah Coyle voiceover. No, Jordan‘s team won because the other team redefined ‘disasterrific’.

Where do I begin? Let’s bullet point this:

Jason was voted as Project Manager. The man has no leadership qualities, was two hours late for a meeting because he was faffing around with a website that they actually never finished.

The team went for the Over-50s market despite knowing nothing about the Over-50s and the strange planet they live on.

Francesca and The Man Who Refers To Himself Only As Neil Clough made the most stilted yet patronising advert of all time. That wink will haunt my dreams.

But what really made this possibly my favourite Apprentice episode of all time was a first for the show. After nine seasons, a Project Manager actually abdicated.

Well, I say abdicated I mean BULLIED INTO SUBMISSION!!!!

I just googled ‘Apprentice Luisa‘ and well… there were lots of photos not suitable for this respectable blog, or work. Or my eyes.

But anyway, Luisa came across as evil incarnate in this episode and… I kind of loved it. Despite selling a whole caravan last week, its clear Jason wasn’t following it up and spent four hours choosing the colour of a logo. So Luisa donned her black hooded robe, raised her hand and spoke those immortal words “You will pay the price for your lack of vision” and out of her perfectly manicured claws came lightning bolts of searing pain. Jason whimpered around on the floor, trying (not very hard) to resist until it became too much and he threw in the towel.

Surely under the leadership of a strong power-crazy Empress happy to trample over anyone in her way, Luisa will lead her trembling followers to victory in this task?

Well, as I’ve already written above: no.

Although their team had consistency between advert and design, it was consistently rubbish. So it was a hollow victory to Herbert and friends who got to do some posh food tasting and most importantly, avoided the war between Jason, Luisa and Francesca. It made for one of the best boardroom scenes, with Nick VS Luisa, Jason VS Luisa (still, a mostly one-sided battle), Lord Sugababe VS Luisa and Francesca actually showing some personality! Lo and behold, she is almost as catty as Luisa. I cannot wait to see these two clash. I also worry for Karren, who is going to keep a very close eye on The Empress. If she ends up battered, bruised and/or missing, I will be very upset.

Anyway, Jason obviously gets fired and on the spinoff show You’re Fired proves he’s actually really funny. And not just to laugh at, although there is a VT of him talking about how inspirational his teddy bear is so…

Next week: ready meals. As a student (for another two weeks until I graduate) I am very intrigued as to what they will come up with.

Yes I know I’ve missed the last two weeks but I am back with a vengeance – trying to make funny jokes about The Apprentice, typing as I’m watching the episode live. To make sure I don’t miss a second I even turned onto BBC One (HD, obviously) ten minutes early, catching the end of Watchdog. It was scary. There was a poor man just trying to make a living by stealing people’s money getting chased down the street by camera crews and a presenter who wouldn’t let him drive away in his car. And then… this was this terrifying woman.

shudder.

Anyway onto the main event, and there’s the usual re-cap which I normally find annoying. Like, why bother – no one in their right mind would ever miss an episode of this show. But yeah, actually… thanks for the catch-up ‘The Beeb’. After some toplessness which I’m sure is written into the male contestants contracts we’re off to the Tower of London.

Insert head getting chopped off pun here.

So we get to the Tower and the task is to sell. Caravans. In Birmingham. So why bother being at the Tower? Who knows.

Kurt becomes project manager of Endeavour because… he’s been on caravan holidays. OK… He shot Alex down, which is a bad idea.

Jason, the one no-one likes whinges about caravaning and wonders just WHO does it? Alex and Kurt have the answer through extensive market research: looking at the caravans driving past and guesstimating ages. Their ‘research’ tell us over 50s like to go camping. This is a recipe for disaster.

Myles talks to the product designers with his eyes nearly popping out of his face trying to fake smile and be nice. Nick calls him so enthusiastic its nauseating. I can’t disagree. I also can’t disagree with 3rd person lover Neil Clough calls teammate Jason a big girl’s blouse. I find this insult quite amusing, in a silly way. It’s nothing compared to Alex calling him a ‘stupid shit’ in episode 2 but its more for the CV isn’t it?

Things don’t go well for Myles’ team who don’t get the items they want to be able to sell. Bet you they win though.

Then again, once the exhibition starts most of the candidates are shown failing at selling a single thing. Except for… Alex. As Lord Sweet’n’Low tweeted:

Thanks for that input.

Also selling quite well is… Jason. WHAT?!? His quirky (read: annoying) style is going down well with the camper fans he so hates. Even he looks surprised. Neil Clough admits his ‘man pride’ is damaged. I feel your pain mate. At least he’s trying harder than Kurt, whose ‘technique’ is so casual I think he’s asleep. Maybe Alex has been sucking the blood out of him as revenge for taking his Project Manager gig. Jordan goes to Luisa for sales advice only to be met with a ‘Awww I dunnow, I’m just sellin’ whilst Alex, Nadine Leah Coyle and Natalie get confused by what is a desk and what is a bench.

As the day nears its end, prices are slashed everywhere to make sales. If I ever see Apprentice candidates selling stuff, I’m just going to hang around til the end of the day and make a killing.

In the boardroom Nadine Leah Coyle is attacked for being a moody cow, she tries to defend herself but everyone’s got a point: she hasn’t looked this grim since the Girls Aloud split (its still too soon… sadface). Lord Splenda digs at Alex, telling him that maybe people voted for Kurt not because of his experience, but lack of faith in the Welsh vampiric underdog. I hope he gets a chance to stake it to his teammates when the arguments start.

And they will, because Evolve win with a landslide victory of £33,000 to just over £1,000.

To add insult to injury, Siralun invites Jason back in to congratulate him. Ouch.

Evolve get a cycling session with Olympic legend Sir Chris Hoy. Luisa asks him if she should just keep looking at his bum. Yes, yes she should. I mean…

Poor choice of picture. But that doesn’t compare to the bad decisions Endeavour made which Nick, Karen and Lord Tate Lyle rip into them for, with a sense of glee that they don’t show – but you can tell. The highlight is Leah‘s face when she gets told Kurt made her swap teams because she’s eye candy.

Kurt brings Natalie and Alex back to the boardroom for a showdown. Ding-ding-ding! I’m in Dracula’s corner. Natalie shouldn’t be brought back in my opinion and Kurt should (and probably will go). Let’s go!

There’s crying! There’s boasting whilst trying to say ‘I’m not one to brag’!! There’s Dracula revealing he was in the business of TOMBSTONES!!! You cannot write this.

As I predicted, Kurt is gone. And not even with with a “thank you for the opportunity”. But then… NATALIE GETS FIRED TOO!!!

WAIT!

WHAT?!?

At least Natalie leaves with dignity. Well, a ‘thank you for the opportunity’ at least. Good to see manners remain despite a shock second firing I think is totally unfair. Goodbye Natalie, I will miss you. Kurt… I won’t.

Next week: a dating task! OH GOD YES!!! It’s going to be so cringe-worthy. And Alex is gothed out in a black t-shirt and guyliner. I cannot wait. Apprentice, I missed you for two weeks but you have your claws in me again.

After being two days late in writing my review last week, I promised to not be late on this one. So here I am, refusing an offer to go to the pub, writing this as I’m watching the fourth episode of the ninth season of The Apprentice.

5:20am and… half the candidates look already dressed before they get the phone call. 5:20?!? That’s like the middle of the night! The only time I ever dressed at that time is when I just get in from a night out, kebab in hand. And those bits are blurry.

The contestants are summoned to the farm and Lord Sugar tries to build up suspense about the task. It’s a farm shop, duh.

The teams are mixed gender so at least one of the girls will be on the winning team, for once. Rebecca the Hilary Devey lookalike wants to be project manager but gets shot down by Luisa. Sparks are going to fly.

Neil Clough (the one who refers to himself in third person a lot) is in charge of the other team. Alex suggest cheese on toast but gets some dirty looks from his teammates. But now I want cheese on toast. Dracula has powers of hypnotism. That or cheese on toast is just that good. Once again, another brilliant idea thrown out the window. Bacon flavoured beer, I will never forget.

Sadly Alex doesn’t have the power of calculations. And can’t keep up with a cow. After last week’s win he’s back to being the clown.

My housemate just came down and I got distracted, but the Apprentice Twitter tweeted (as you do) that someone confused a cow for a horse. And then a dog. I’m glad I didn’t see that. My faith in humanity has been shaken a fair bit today as is.

Kurt, whose business is about fruit drinks is all focusing on milkshakes. Karren isn’t convinced, maybe he should tell her that it is certain to bring boys to the yard.

There’s an eggs in one basket joke. Sigh. I am allowed to make bad puns because KEYBOARD WARRIOR!!

Neil is not happy at the end of day one, but I bet its just the editing. His team will probably win. Or not. As I said before, I really don’t know who will win or lose. Unlike X Factor, its not totally predictable after all these years. Fairplay.

Day 2 and Luisa has called her shop Buffalocal and cleverly put Nadine Coyle in charge of charming the customers. She’s also put Rebecca on onion cutting duties. Because she loves to make her cry.

The other team have called their shop… ‘Fruity Cow’ I’m not even. But their milkshakes are bringing people to the yard. Karren makes a joke about orders thick and fast. Leave them to me please, K babe.

At this point I’d like to point out something mentioned by @islandniles on Twitter: the Android logo is featured SO MANY times per episode. And yet they have to refer to Argos as “the big catalogue shop”. Food for thought there.

Jason makes the kind of comment that is going to bite him, stating ‘he’s happy to be in the back doing all the hard labour’. Grating cheese. Hmmmmmm. Then again I love cheese. Did I mention that? Cheese.

Neil and Myles both bitch to the camera about how useless Jason and Uzma are, whilst Jason and Uzma both gush about how amazing they think they’re doing. Alex is doing a pretty good attempt at sales outside, bellowing in his dulcet tones. I want to know if he’s related to the fruit stall man who stands at the top of Cardiff Queen Street every single day.

Oh, and Lord Sugar tweeted this…

And then makes many, many cowboy jokes in the boardroom. And then to balance out the product placement, makes a joke about Apple and Blackberry milkshakes tasting like smartphone. Or something. I sighed loudly as soon as he started that sentence.

Neil’s team made an alright profit of £500 and once again the team I thought would lose made a profit of £91 more. Kurt looks dismayed, I think he is going to sue Kelis because of lack of boys in his yard.

Luisa doesn’t seem to take winning very well, refusing to hug outside the boardroom and storming away. The four course meal and alcohol cheers her up. No amount of sugar in Kurt’s tea can cheer him up.

There is a brilliant boardroom moment where every candidate tries to get everyone else to be quiet and ends up making everyone else talk louder and then Alex pipes up and everyone zips their lips. He made me laugh at everyone else, not himself. Fairplay.

OH AND WE GET TO SEE THE SECRETARY AGAIN!

Neil brings Kurt and Uzma back to the boardroom, and for her, its a losing battle. She tries to say she is an easy target because Lord Splenda said last week he has his eye on her. I think it’s because she’s done naff all personally. She’s going to go.

But now he’s ripping into Kurt, unfairly in my high opinion. Maybe he’s going to go.