Fast Friends A blogger’s new book chronicles her yearlong quest to make new friends

Fast Friends A blogger’s new book chronicles her yearlong quest to make new friends

In her new memoir, Rachel Bertsche writes about a subject a lot of people would be uneasy making public—her desire to make more friends.

Think about it. As a grown woman, are you really comfortable telling people you would love to have more friends? As Bertsche points out in MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend, it is perfectly acceptable to shout, “I want a man!” from the rooftops. But women are embarrassed to admit that they want to widen their circle of friends. “People are scared that if you say, ‘I’m looking for some new friends,’ that will make people think, ‘Oh God, she is so sad and lonely. If she doesn’t have friends, there must be something wrong with her,’” Bertsche says. “But making friends isn’t as easy when you are an adult.”

When she lived in New York City, Bertsche had a tight-knit group of longtime best friends that she knew from school and summer camp. But the writer struggled to make new friends when she relocated to Chicago to be with her boyfriend, Matt, who ultimately became her husband. She made a few pals here and there, but after two years in the Windy City, Bertsche still didn’t have a close friend she could call for a last-minute Sunday brunch or a confidante she could chat with any time of the day or night. She finally realized that if she was going to make more friends, she had to get serious about the search. “People want those friendships like the women in Sex and the City have,” Bertsche says. “But they don’t just fall into your lap.”

So Bertsche embarked on an all-out quest to find a new best friend, committing to go on 52 friend dates (one a week) over the course of a year. Setting out on the journey, which she chronicles in her book, took Bertsche way out of her comfort zone. It isn’t easy for even the boldest woman to ask others out on friend dates, but Bertsche forced herself to do it, approaching friends of friends via e-mail. She graduated to doing the asking out in person, hitting on potential new friends she met in a book club, a cooking class and an improvisational comedy class. And near the end of her search, she was brave enough to leave a note on a table for an engaging waitress she was interested in getting to know.

It’s actually inspiring to watch Bertsche’s confidence develop from the start to the finish of her friend date-a-thon. “I used to keep to myself—just do your thing and don’t bother anyone,” she acknowledges. “And now I’m so much friendlier. I talk to everyone.”

Interested in giving nontraditional options a try, Bertsche also used the services of a friend matchmaking service and even dared to rent a friend, which was by far the strangest experience she had. “The reason it was so strange is that it wasn’t strange,” Bertsche says. “She was a really nice girl, and I would think, ‘This feels totally normal.’ But there was this elephant in the room because I was paying her to be there.”

Bertsche didn’t see her rent-a-friend again (who can afford to pay someone $20 an hour to be their friend?), but the author did bond with a lot of people. “You can’t go out with that many people and not make any friends,” she says.

When Bertsche did click with someone, what made it work? “You can just tell when you’re with someone, and all of a sudden it’s three hours later, and you haven’t stopped talking, and you don’t want to leave,” she says. “I had that one date with Jillian in the book, and we finished our meal, and we were still there for an hour, drinking water and talking. We just clicked, and I was literally skipping home after that date.”

But a great first date doesn’t mean everlasting friendship. In fact, Bertsche learned that making new friends isn’t just about meeting people; it’s about nurturing relationships, which can be more challenging when you are an adult with work and family responsibilities. Still, if you want to make friends, you have to make friendship a priority. “If you meet one time, you can really hit it off, but you’re not really friends,” Bertsche says. “You have to make an effort to see the person regularly. Friendship can’t happen without a little bit of work.”

If you’re interested in reading more about Bertsche’s foray into making new friends, MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend went on sale December 20. You can also check out Bertsche’s MWF Seeking BFF blog, which she regularly updates with news and insights on friendship.