Saturday, September 16, 2006

changes

After I quit my job I spent the next 4 days in an anxious panic. What the fuck am I gonna do?! Kept playing in my mind. I applied for a few jobs and had a few interviews lined up when I was approached by my manager. They told they can't afford to lose me and they had an offer to propose. They offered me a raise, a permanent schedule and a promise to never work weekends. I thought about it for a few minutes before accepting. With a raise I get what I want, more money. I hate the job, but the money will keep me there, at least for a while. The schedule will allow me to continue with my plans to return to school, and really, who likes to work weekends? I have mixed emotions on staying with the company, but my team is incredibly happy and relieved, I even got some hugs from friends I work with.

I had T on Thursday this past week, hadn't a session with T since the middle of August so it was nice to see her.

The dynamic of our relationship changed. I'm not sure why or how, and I'm not complaining. It's an awesome change and I'm relieved that it's happened. I hope it continues, but if it doesn't, I also know from experience that it will come back as I've been done this road with C too many times to count!

For the first time with T I didn't feel uncomfortable or want to run out of the room and bolt to the safety and security of my car. I stayed present for most of the session and was able to go a little bit deeper into my feelings and thoughts. Not a lot deeper, but more than surface level. We talked a lot about sexual healing as I am reading a book on that topic, "The sexual healing journey: (a guide for survivors of sexual abuse)" By Wendy Maltz. Normally when this subject comes up I clam up immediately and get extremely embarrassed. I didn't this time and was able to talk about some things plaguing my relationship with my boyfriend.

At one point we were discussing something, I'm not even sure what it was... but it brought up another AH!HA! moment for me. I've discovered that not only is it hard for me to show emotion or simply cry is not only because of my mother, but because of my father. When I would cry, or plead, whimper, anything - that's when he would hurt me by pinching, hitting, burning, pull my hair. I learned not to have emotions and definitely not express them. And in an even more twisted way, I associated pain with emotions which makes even more sense why I self-harm, and chose burning as the way to injure myself and deaden the emotional pain.

I'm not feeling defeated by this new knowledge, quite the opposite in fact. I'm feeling re-charged and ready to go deeper. It has reinforced the fact that there IS nothing wrong with me, there are many reasons why I am the way I am. The greatest thing about it all... I'm asking for and getting help...

I figured out today that I tend to sexualize people touching me because my parents rarely held me when I was small and there was the touching by the attacker at a very young age. So touching confuses me. I tend to stick my butt out when I hug people so my groin won't inadvertently touch them. I'm uncomfortable with touchy-feely people, even if their touching is innocent.

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