Politics

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

WASHINGTON—Fighting the urge to vomit as he gorged on the deep-fried, processed meat, disgusted special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ate two McDonald’s 20-piece Chicken McNugget meals in one sitting on Tuesday in an attempt to get into President Trump’s mind.

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—Suggesting he did not act alone but with implicit backing at the highest levels, the FBI said Monday that the suspect charged with murder for ramming his car into a crowd of protesters in Charlottesville over the weekend may have received tacit support from a powerful U.S. government figure.

WASHINGTON—In a comprehensive analysis of the nation’s media consumption habits, a report published Friday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans now receive their news while holding their hands over their eyes and peeking out between their fingers.

WASHINGTON—Strange, viscous fluid dribbling down from the shadows above him, Trump administration staffer Jason McCabe on Thursday reportedly looked up from a puddle of slime he had been investigating to discover a fellow aide cocooned in Steve Bannon’s ooze.

PARK RIDGE, IL—At a ribbon-cutting ceremony held Tuesday on the steps of the recently completed 200,000-square-foot facility, Hillary Clinton opened a new presidential library and museum that commemorates the presidency she might have had if elected.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Embarrassed by the piles of clutter in virtually every room, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly spent the afternoon Wednesday making his house look presentable before the next predawn FBI raid.

WASHINGTON—Offering a stark and sobering assessment of the consequences of a military conflict with the nuclear-armed nation, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed Wednesday that North Korea now possesses missile technology capable of reaching Sam Waterston’s house.

COLLODI, ITALY—Sipping from a glass of wine at a small outdoor café in a small Tuscan hill town, Special Counsel Robert Mueller confirmed Tuesday that he was feeling dread about returning from his two-month European vacation to start the investigation into Russia meddling in the 2016 presidential campaign.

Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians

Emotionally needy citizens across the country demand that politicians once again woo them incessantly.

Emotionally needy citizens across the country demand that politicians once again woo them incessantly.

UNITED STATES—In a desperate fit of emotional neediness, all 314 million residents of the United States broke down today after going a whole week without the nation’s political parties, candidates, or interest groups pandering to them at every turn, sources reported.

In its seventh day of not being excessively flattered, vigorously applauded, or constantly validated by political campaigns, the American populace reportedly reached its emotional breaking point this morning, suffering full-scale meltdowns and not knowing how to carry on.

“Why aren’t they incessantly trying to win us over every hour of every day? What did we do wrong?” said Pennsylvania retail clerk Patricia Beam, echoing the sentiments of millions of attention-starved citizens across the country. “Just last week they were wooing us with evasive political rhetoric and vague promises as if we were the only thing in the whole world that mattered to them. And now it’s like we don’t even exist.”

“Pander to me now!” weeping Florida mechanic Ted Guzman concurred as he stamped his feet and begged for fawning adulation from politicians and party mouthpieces. “Now, now, now!”

According to widespread reports, hordes of blubbering, tear-streaked Americans have demanded that former presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama immediately resume making local campaign appearances, acknowledging the importance of each and every town and voter, and delivering stump speeches altered slightly to include specific mentions of regional factories, sports teams, historical landmarks, and agricultural products.

Furthermore, the sobbing masses announced they were refusing to go to work until both Republicans and Democrats nationwide continued their efforts to appear relatable and in-touch with the needs of everyday Americans, and returned to running round-the-clock attack ads on local television that pay lip service to the social and economic challenges faced by their area.

“All we’re asking is that members of both major political parties look us straight in the eye the way they used to, telling us how much they need our faith and support to move forward, and how this country is nothing without the service and dedication of hardworking American citizens such as ourselves,” Columbus, OH resident Ronnie Milch pleaded. “Promise things to us! Talk about things that we want! Spends millions of campaign dollars to make us feel important!”

“You can’t just abandon us like this!” Milch added. “We need your constant, shallow reassurances that you hear us and are fighting for us!”

At press time, the emotionally exhausted populace had calmed down and fallen asleep after President Obama briefly mentioned the American people in an address on the impending fiscal cliff.

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Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

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