Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

A Crossroads, What Now?

Hey I am new here so I hope I am doing this right. I feel like I have reached a crossroads in my relationship with my husband of almost 9 years.

A few years ago he changed jobs and it seems like everything has gotten steadly worse ever since then. We live in Michigan where the economy is well what do you say one of the crappiest in the nation; So, financially in retrospect we are strapped. He is on unemployment and laid off whenever they have no production running and we are making due with what we have.

I up until October was a working mom for 2 1/2 years, but since the economy here is so bad we can't even afford for me to work part time because of child care and finding full time anything just isn't an option with the child care issues.

Here comes the communication issue. I just found out recently that we are really behind on our mortgage and he has been keeping this from me for about a year to the tune of $6,000 with fees and what not, our original mortgage is $660 a month so that is like 10 months of unpaids. Of course that isn't all of the bills but it is the major one.
I left the bills to him since he was the "bread winner" so I feel like this is my fault.

We used to make decisions together now it is him thinking it is ok to make decisions for everyone and not tell me about it. Being brought up the way I was, knowing that I have a say in every aspect of my relationships, was taught to me well and this does not sit well with me.

I try to talk to him about it but if we get heated he shuts off and it is very annoying, he has developed this what can I described it as cockiness to him when it comes to this issue or any issue revolving money. As if he gets to make the decision and I should have to live with the outcome. He never used to be this way.

I feel like I am stuck. I can't work because of the child care issues, my kids are my first priority anyway, but I was not raised to take a back seat to someone else making decisions for me that effect my future.

He also has become a drinker more than he was before, just casually with friends etc. Now it is almost everyday, he says it is too cope but I mean there are better ways to cope rather than drinking, I tell him this but all he says is you don't know what stress I am under.

He can drink a whole 1/2 pint of peppermint schnapps in like two seconds flat like it is water and does so sometimes when he is driving. He also leaves alcohol bottles in the car and I worry one time I will get stopped with the kids and I will be arrested for open intoxicants in a vehicle and if my kids are with me that worries me more. What do I do here????

I love my husband and I want to be supportive but I am not going to live with an alcoholic, I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to be a doormat which I fear I am becoming, I also don't want to be solely financially reliant but I don't see how I can't be.

My husband was the same with our finances...He kept me in the dark...Though I wanted to be involved...We are partners after all...

The cocky attitude might be his way of coping with the stress of not being able to provide for his family...My husband always used to humor me...like I would just forget &amp; give up trying to be involved...

The understand how you feel about the drinking...at least it is only social drinking at the moment...My husband gambles...Though he does swear that he only puts small bets on...Plus that is his hobby...He does not drink,smoke or go out...

We are separated now...&amp; have got the best relationship ever...I have got control of my finances &amp; for once in years feel secure...

Al anon. That is my first response to your husband's drinking. It is not normal his drinking or behavior. You are right to be concerned, very concerned, not alarmed but aware and open. Listen more, look more. Don't say a lot it isn't going to help right now with your husband's attitude.

If you can't go to al anon, phone al anon and talk to somebody on the phone.

You and your child could wind up homeless for heaven's sake! If your name is on the mortgage you have the right to go to your bank and talk to somebody there to let them know you have just become aware of this problem with the payments.

Call a women's hotline, call a friend, start talking to people you can trust about your concerns so you know you aren't crazy and you don't get taken in by your husband's lies and crazy behavior.

I'm sorry but if finances are tight for you...why in the heck is he buying alcohol? He needs to stop that...relaxation or no...that's just not an expense you can afford. And if you are worried about him handling the finances, then you need to get a separate bank account and deposit what little part time money you make and try to pay bills with that. Since he is not discussing this with you, he does not get a choice or say in the money you bring in.

You say you were not raised that way, well that I suggest you talk to him openly about what you want to do and let him know that it's not acceptable to not communicate with you. He should be cocky anyway as he is not doing such a good job of handling the finances.

Now I understand that he may feel belittled because he does not have a job but that is no excuse for being lazy with your finances.

My ex was like that too...we would get behind on stuff and he wouldn't tell me. And lemme tell ya, I would let him know upfront that this was not okay with me. Probably one of the reasons we're not together today because he couldn't handle the truth and wanted a woman who would not question anything he did.

1. Find FREE counseling in your area. You may have to do some searching and make a few phone calls to find it, but almost every community has some sort of free counseling (even try your church counseling)

2. Get online or call around and find FREE financial counseling as well. Again it may take searching for it, but most communities have a place that offer this service, and if nothing else there are some government sites that offer free financial counseling (I don't know the sites off hand)

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