Self-Hate : Part 2

As I have been juggling 5 different medications for my epilepsy I have been lifeless, friendless, and loveless. As I have stopped eating I have lost weight and I have been secretly excited about it. Who is this that is excited about being skinny again? I thought I was that fat-positive queer, feminist. Where has she gone?

I never thought it would come to this but recently I have found myself wishing I were someone else, someone who was straight. I wish I could relate to the world, to my friends, and to my family in a way that straight people can. I wish I didn’t always have to explain myself, hide myself, and figure out if I can trust people. I wish I wouldn’t so easily be let down and disappointed. I wish I could feel satisfied with my perfect partner who just happens to be a white male.

As I have been juggling 5 different medications for my epilepsy I have been lifeless, friendless, and loveless. As I have stopped eating I have lost weight and I have been secretly excited about it. Who is this that is excited about being skinny again? I thought I was that fat-positive queer, feminist. Where has she gone? Now she wants to go back in the closet again and come out as a skinny, straight girl. I need my friends to talk to about this, but I don’t have any trusted ones in this new college town I’m trying to settle into.

Again I ask myself, why are so many of our youth committing suicide? It doesn’t surprise me anymore. Even adults in our community are losing hope. Initially I was pissed off when I saw a white man make an “It Doesn’t Get Better” youtube video right after the suicides of queer youth. I’m not even going to post the link because I think it is hurtful and unproductive. However, here is an article by Jasbir Puar that I understood more.

Sometimes for us it doesn’t get better, but I have been pretending, and for a long while I almost had myself convinced that I was happy and strong. I even convinced myself that I loved myself, and yes it was good for me but I was lying and it caught up with me. In terms of my going back in the closet, I know I can’t do it. I am too far from the closet. I am going to be a social worker and my goal is to better the world and I need to be a role model. However, I don’t know where to go from here and I need help that a straight or white therapist can’t give me.

Thanks for sharing such a personal story with us. I can definitely relate to the feeling of things never getting better and thinking things are better on the other side. I don’t have any solutions of how to better deal with this. Sometimes i wish the gay community would be a better support network and be more like a second family things would be easier.

I wish you all the best with everything and I hope you come out of this strong and better than before.

Unlike the article, I feel like I have found more support in the queer community than the racial minority communities… but for some reason I would rather be a straight desi girl than a queer white woman! I guess I can pretend to be straight but I can’t pretend to be white, lol. Ugh, I’m so tired of this, ready for some peace.

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Gaysi is a space where the Desi-Gay community comes together and shares personal stories, their triumphs and failures, their struggles and their dreams, their hopes and despair. And in doing so, gives other gaysis a sliver of hope too. More