GAME OF TONES. - (content originally provided for www.holmesandgately.com to correspond with the final episode.)

ORIGINAL, FULL VERSION :-

Playing with tones is no game. It’s a colourful conflict and a challenge of wits for immense authority and power.

Similar to the vast continent of Westeros, with its unpredictable seasons, some areas of colour psychology are less developed than others....(READ MORE)

Despite the vast amount of material circulating on the internet, there appears to be a general lack of research in the field of psychological colour influence.

Deeply rooted in cognitive development through experience and culture, the way our moods are affected by certain colours is predominately very personal.

However, although the concept of colour remains largely subjective, there are universal meanings that can be manipulated into marketing campaigns to help attract a specific audience.

You may already know your House Tyrell from your House Targaryen, but do you know your colours of wisdom from your colours of excitement and trust?

If you are interested to know more about psychological colour schemes and how they can help to promote your company as a trusted brand, or how to be perceived as an eco-friendly business that offers great value for money, you may be inclined to read on...

Here is the Holmes and Gately brief guide to colour psychology and how to use it to your advantage when competing for the metaphorical Iron Throne of marketing success:-

RED

Associated with: ENERGY | EXCITEMENT | COCA-COLA | YOUTH

ACTION | YOUTUBE | PASSION

Youthful, energetic, and bold like a young Arya Stark, red is the most intense colour in the concept and can provoke the strongest of emotions.

Used by iconic brands in the food and beverage industry, red is renowned for encouraging appetite and excitement.

Attention-grabbing red is indicative of danger and is ideal for enticing a call to action, creating awareness, or paving a gateway to a potential sale.

In sport and competitive business, use red to appear more dominant.

YELLOW

Associated with: CHEERFULNESS | WASPS | MCDONALDS | OPTIMISM

COWARDICE | HOUSE LANNISTER | WARMTH

A cheerful colour that is a big favourite with children – my five-year-old’s favourite colour - yellow actually stimulates the mental process in positive ways. It has an influence on the side of the brain where perception and deep thinking dwells.

It is the most compelling of all colours and it encourages communication.

Its association with the sunshine that beams on places such as King’s Landing – set in Dubrovnik, Croatia - evokes happiness and warmth.

A little yellow on your website can help visitors associate something positive and intellectual about your company.

Its extreme penetrating visibility means that the McDonald’s golden arches can probably be seen from space.

Overwhelmed by choice?

Consumers are given so much choice these days that the mere abundance of available options are overwhelming.

Once the hurdle of price consideration has been overcome, a product’s colour and its visual appearance affects over 90% of the buying decision.

ORANGE

Associated with: THE SUN | EASY JET | | CONFIDENCE | AMAZON

AFFORDABILITY | ENTHUSIASM | AUTUMN | HOUSE TYRELL

Orange is perceived to be a warm, confident colour with a competitive edge – unlike Tommen Baratheon who, literally, decided to throw it all away in Season 6.

Largely considered to be fun and bright, orange is an adventurous tone that is often associated with value for money - which explains why Amazon, budget airlines, and a popular mobile network incorporates it.

Bargain stores often promote their offers with orange, and a third of women regard it as their least favourite colour.

Although a controversial, love or hate colour, it can be used to draw attention.

Did you know that oranges are not naturally orange?

GREEN

Associated with: ENVY | SPOTIFY | THE RANDOM STARBUCKS CUP |NATURE

HEALTH | GROWTH | PEACEFULNESS

Naturally the colour of oranges, green is a highly emotional, serene, and relaxing colour that is seen in more shades by the human eye than any other colour.

No doubt an evolutionary factor when living in dense jungle, we humans can see as acutely as one of Daenerys Targaryen’s dragons when it comes to the colour green.

To our primitive advantage, the cones in our eyes are more sensitive to the frequency of green than any other.

As a multi-tasking word, we can use green in many ways. We can be green under the gills, green with envy, require a Green Card, be naïve, and have our own individual, environmental consciousness perceived as being green.

Shades of green are negatively linked with blandness and boredom but, to its marketable advantage, the colour can be used to promote eco-friendly companies and relaxation, giving it a prosperous, positive feel.

BLUE

Associated with: TRUST | WATER | STRENGTH | SAPPHIRE ISLAND

COLDNESS | LOGIC | FACEBOOK

A calming colour is blue.

Some believe that it is the relaxing colour of reason because it would’ve been the first colour – the colour of the sky - that greeted the visual globes of our primitive ancestors as they first emerged from the oceans to become land dwelling creatures.

A widely used colour in marketing terms, blue is considered to be trustworthy and strong. It has a recent association with masculinity despite, originally, being deemed as a dainty colour belonging to all things feminine.

Blue is known for suppressing appetite as much as it is anger, largely due to the lack of naturally occurring blue foods – even bright blue ice cream seems, somehow, instinctively wrong.

Just as Sapphire Island stands alone off the coast of Westeros, in the clear blue waters that surround its rugged shores, you too can create the perception of space, trust, and productivity with this colour.

The calming influence of blue often means that it is used to assist learning.

Establishments that serve alcohol often use artificial blue light in the hope that it will help keep some of their overly-aggressive intoxicated customers calm.

Use blue to help your target audience recall a product, your brand design, or a location.

PURPLE

Associated with: WISDOM | TYRION LANNISTER | YAHOO! | LUXURY

CADBURY | EXCESS | SOPHISTICATION

Similar to the Lannisters, purple has a long history associated with royalty and superiority – as well as with decadence, moodiness, and suppression.

If you are old enough to have appreciated the Silk Cut adverts that triggered a burst of nicotine-based creativity in the mid-80s, you will have enthusiastically puzzled over the subtle sophistication of a Charles Saatchi ad campaign.

For over a decade, Saatchi created velvety visual puns, often with sexual undertones, that developed a royal purple association with Silk Cut cigarettes.

It was a genius ad campaign as wise, as witty, and as decadent as Tyrion Lannister.

Saatchi used the colour purple for a brand that wanted to position itself as prestigious and luxurious – rather than the purveyor of a heavily taxed nicotine-rich stimulant.

Purple represents a wise, creative, and extravagant brand that can also, like its blue cousin, be used to induce a tranquil mood. It’s a stable colour but not as energetic nor vibrant as its red parentage, and so represents a more mysterious presence.

Light up dark unfulfilling days with colour psychology.

If you want to stop winter from arriving at the door of your marketing campaign, and you would like to know how to fill your kingdom with colourful landscapes, contact us now to arrange a FREE consultation.

May the discourse be with you.

“Do or do not, there is no try.” – Yoda, Jedi master, stamp collector, and philosopher.

Here is the Holmes & Gately guide to the galaxy for May 4th, 2019 :-

Episode IV: A New Hope – In a provincial town, far, far away, there is a new hope for those who feel abandoned by the dark side of digital marketing.

Let us guide you to a brighter, more lucrative side, and join us as creator and client.

Just when you think you’ve been double-crossed by a website-building bounty hunter, there are rebels out there who will work in alliance with you to offer competitive rates for building websites, social media management, logo design, content creation, 3D SFX, and all of your digital marketing needs.

And remember…(READ MORE)

...Once you continue down the dark path, forever will a poor website dominate your destiny.

Episode II: A Powerful Outsource in the Galaxy

If you’ve ever wondered why many so companies are abandoning the old protocol models that are only familiar with limited languages and basic functions, it’s because outsourcing is controlling the galaxy.

A variety of more technical and specialised services that allow you the time and space to expand your business and sell services are now available from digital marketing agencies and website developers.

Companies, not unlike ourselves, serve as the next resolution to the problem of in-house expense.

Reducing carbon scoring on your internal resources, controlling your operational costs, and streamlining your time-consuming functions - such as creating blog posts like this one – helps to increase efficiency and give you more time at the back-end of your business.

Outsourcing is now a powerful strategy we specialise in, focusing mainly on brand development that manages the calculations for the jump to a speedy ROI.

See how many services we can perform more cheaply that would otherwise, traditionally, be handled as a more costly, in-house activity.

If you want to take on the might of imperial competitors, content is where lies the wisdom behind the force.

And in my experience, there’s no such thing as luck.

Use the content force of Holmes and Gately to help you adroitly navigate through the asteroid belt of dull and meaningless word offal.

We can help you to construct an empire based around unique and inspiring content that engages with an audience like a tractor beam on the Death Star.

Whether you require web pages, blog posts, social media content, or a stand-alone piece of written art, we have the freelance writer ready to join your side and take instructions.

See how we can eloquently write about your related industry or service.

We can adjust a current communicative voice and use a strong tone to sell your products and services with the verbal capacity and ease of a vehement Emperor Palpatine.

Request a Holmes and Gately ‘brief template’ and let us show you how to avoid using words like a hokey religion and more like a random blaster.

Episode V: “Never tell me the odds!” – we already know them.

If you don’t want to know the stats and the odds surrounding the potential of success when using a digital marketing specialist, look away now!

The grandeur is often too much for some people to endure.

The content alone on your site has the potential to drive traffic to your site like a laser made from Kyber crystals. It improves search engine optimisation and transforms businesses into trusted and viable entities within their industry.

Content marketing is undeniably one of the most effective weapons a business can possess.

Not only does content marketing convert 6x as many leads as other, more traditional methods, it costs roughly two-thirds less than outbound marketing.

As far as just being an online entity is concerned, the fact that 53% of 18-50 year-olds are now getting their information and news feeds online means that an online presence in the form of a well-optimised website is a must.

Did I mention the importance of a blog?

A small business that blogs is said to experience circa 130% more lead growth than small businesses that fail to use a blog.

And that is not all…

Not only does an increase in the number of blog posts increase the number of traffic, it also receives more purchases, with a whopping 60% of customers making purchases after reading recommendations on a blog.

Now, let’s blow this thing and get out of here!

Happy May 4th, 2019.

No Static. No Static At All.

Despite the lack of posts on my personal sites, the creative fountain has still been flowing, spreading throughout the landscapes of emotional content and delivering results at the edge of consciousness...

See recent posts @ www.holmesandgately.com and on social media where I have collaborated to write content for this local digital marketing agency, here in Nottingham.

Click on this text to edit it.

Coffee shop etiquette - a 21st-century guide.

Times have changed.

No longer is a request to meet for coffee an inexpensive, arbitrary appeal. With the average spend at Starbucks now reaching £15.00 (a week's groceries at Lidl), it is something that requires thought and careful planning. And it is not for those with shallow pockets or anxiety issues either. READ MORE...

That's why, in 1984, as a teenager, my grandmother could meet me at some greasy spoon cafe in the city centre and I could afford to pay for two coffees, shortbread biscuits, and a cooked breakfast, all with one week's pocket money (£2).

Imagine the embarrassment today upon agreeing to a similar rendezvous at Caffe Nero. Only a kid with a healthy trust fund could audaciously agree to buy coffee, warm paninis, and cake for Grandma.

It doesn't end there either - as if it was as easy as that! Trying to successfully close a sale is like trying to buy a carpet from a Moroccan rug salesman.

You have to be completely familiar with the menu before ordering anything. Is it a Vanilla Spice Latte, a Macchiato, Americano, or a Chai Latte? Do you want it creamy, velvety, rich, flat and white, or do you want it frothy? And then there are sizes to consider. Is it tall, short, regular or grande?

With all these choices, customers need strong nerves to be able to adroitly find their way around the menu. In a world of hypersensitive bloggers and easily offended students, it's little wonder many people leave in tears, unable to decide on a suitable beverage.

Firstly, consider the price:-

If someone is offering to buy a coffee for you, stick to the basic elements, keep it as close to £2.00 as humanely possible. It's uncouth to suggest a panini or toasted sandwich - at over £3.50 for bread and mozzarella, that is taking the p***.

Keep it simple:-

If a friend or relative has arranged the rendezvous and has agreed to pay, keep it simple. Maybe, agree to a caramel wafer, but only if they are good for it, but otherwise stay to a latte, mocha or an Americano. It's a bit like breakfast: you don't have to enjoy it, just consume it.

You have been asked to join them for coffee, not a caffeine cocktail circus. People of a certain age don't expect to pay over a tenner for two cups of coffee with a splash of vanilla essence, cinnamon, and cream in a vase-sized mug.

What to expect:-

The ambience in the modern-day coffee shop will include melancholy, rapture, impatience, and a whipped-up media frenzy, accompanied by a nice story of how coffee is ethically produced and now enjoyed by Europeans without the guilt of slavery. There will be the ubiquitous picture of Sicilian gangsters on the wall, sipping from tiny cups, watching slim females in summer attire walking daintily through cobbled streets, surrounded by lemon trees and old men playing chess on rickety tables.

What to look out for:-

Upon entering the coffee shop, be prepared to stand. These places are often frequented by teenagers, camping-out with the cheapest item, primarily to justify the exploitation of free WiFi.

It's wise to do a reconnaissance mission prior to the meeting, to establish the clientele and reassure oneself that your visit won't be blighted by a member of Britain's homeless, begging to extract further coinage from one's stipend.

It's just another duality of British inequality. People are freezing to death on the outside whilst wealthy onlookers warm their hands on cups prepared by people on minimum wage, whose rich boss avoids paying adequate tax.

Planets realigned following suitable words of seatbelt advice given to the Duke of Edinburgh.

Everything is now in its rightful place in the universe, following police contact with bigoted racist, Prince Philip. READ MORE...

A Palace spokesperson said, "The Duke of Edinburgh picked up his new Land Rover and decided to break the law....because he can."

As expected, there is one rule for everyone and another rule for the rich and powerful.

Just when you think faith in humanity has been restored, another injustice tilts the balance.

Multistorey car park is still best location for a kidnap.

In the eyes of many, multistorey car parks are nothing more than mundane concrete structures, primarily designed to hold one's car in abeyance whilst waiting for the mother-in-law. READ MORE...

"Finding a parking space in Nottingham is like trying to find depth and meaning in the collective works of Katie Price," said local beautician, Stephanie Rincon, from Sneinton.

However, nothing seems as dull and as unappetising in the criminal underworld.

"The multistorey car park is our go-to-place for clandestine kidnappings, a new product launch, a quick assassination requiring a sound suppressor, and an illegal narcotics exchange."

"We also host wedding parties and anniversary events in these places," continued Hue. "It's amazing how imaginative one can be in a car park, and our fees - unlike our persona - are quite reasonable."

Although car parks are not usually known for their architectural beauty, the Brutalist bus station in Preston has received considerable praise for its design and practicality. Its multilayered concrete design overlooks diesel fumes and depression, etched on the miserable faces of Lancashire locals, suffering the inconvenience and pain of public transport.

Climbing picture is void of motivational message.

A picture of a climber has been discovered on social media and is void of any motivational message or comments referring to targets, wealth, ambition, success, or one-upmanship. READ MORE...

Oliver Standwell, a professional life coach, said, "The colourful picture is most unusual. We expect to see this sort of thing with a description that seeks a propensity for development and self-awareness."

"It appears to be an ordinary picture of a young girl at a play centre," continued Standwell.

"What kind of world will we live in if these sycophantic photographs are accepted and continue to blight and degrade social media, turning it into an unmotivated circus; a hub of flattery without the need to emphasise confidence issues?"

It is understood that the offensive post will be removed following a thorough investigation.

Young nativity star may never feature in a Lloyd-Webber production.

Parents of Natalie Entwhistle, 4, from Nottingham, have been told that, despite deluded ideas, their daughter may never feature in a Lloyd-Webber musical, perform live in front of royalty, win the X Factor, or marry a genuinely faithful, Premier League footballer....READ MORE

The news came as a devastating blow to Natalie's mother Karen, 32, who has always maintained that either herself or her offspring would take Broadway by storm, despite a lack of professional training or prior experience of any significant quality.

Playwright, film director, and screenwriter, Kenneth Lonergan, said, "It's difficult for some parents to comprehend. They are often blinded by their emotional commitment to their children, and it comes as a huge blow when they are informed that their child is more likely to be hit by a piece of space debris than perform at the highest level of commercial theatre." In an interview with The Big Issue magazine, Billionaire, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, 70, who has a face like a whipped apple, said, "I'm afraid I haven't seen Natalie's school production of the Nativity of Jesus, I have been too busy voting against social benefits to ensure that poor people starve to death this Christmas." Natalie will be re-appearing as Mary this afternoon, at some shoddy parish hall with cold, rickety chairs and inadequate heating facilities, in the insignificant village of Trowell, Nottinghamshire.

Somalian pirates scoop prestigious business award.

Despite continued austerity and a surge in claims for bankruptcy, a team of pirates working the coastal waters around East Africa are now proud owners of the coveted 2018 Enterprise Vision Award (EVA). READ MORE...

The team of five fought off competition across the globe to scoop the award for training, coaching, great customer service, efficient kidnapping, amassing a fortune with few fatalities, and outstanding achievement in the retail industry.

600 guests were invited to celebrate the EVAs in 16 categories, in the Empress Ballroom at Blackpool's Winter Gardens.

Captain Maurice Diaz, originally from Venezuela, said, "It's a great achievement to receive such an accolade. A lot of hard work has made this all possible."

Captain Diaz places emphasis on tactics for the team's success:-

"We started out raiding yachts and holding out for $2million. With my experience in Secuestro Express kidnappings back home, in Caracas, we figured out that it was more efficient and more lucrative over time if we demanded just $1000 a hit. This way, we could run-off a dozen of these a day and ship the money fast, without the unnecessary need for sending body parts via a reputable courier, thus, steadily increasing our yield whilst nullifying competition, and avoiding lengthy government entanglements."

Heather Waters of Natwest said, "There were thousands of entrants this year and the awards were the most fiercely contested. It's a truly fantastic award, and each year the standard improves."

Since its peak, in July 2007, pirate attacks have seen a steady decline in recent years.

The team of five, from as far wide as South America and Hong Kong, took 1,602 hostages this year - an increase of 4% on the previous year - half of those captured were subjected to punching and slapping whilst only 8% suffered violent abuse such as being held in a freezer for six days, burned with Cuban cigars, and forced to watch back-to-back shows of Jamie Oliver making a main meal, side, and a pudding within thirty-eight minutes.

Piratical production planner, Alice Zhang, 32, said, "The average length of time we held hostages in captivity was decreased from 14 hours in 2016, to just 6 hours this year."

"Although it is rare for us to kill anyone," continued Alice, "our murder rate is down significantly from 2% in 2012, to just under 0.3% this year - something we are immensely proud of."

Guests of the EVAs, which included Snoop Dogg, Terry Waite, Captain Richard Phillips, and the remaining crew of the Panama-flagged cargo ship, MV Iceberg 1, all enjoyed a three-course meal provided by Subway. They were then left in the capable hands of comedian Lewis Hamilton who then took the chance to promote his new money-laundering accountancy business, based off-shore.

Underground ashtray revolution to emerge from the ashes.

Located in an unknown location, deep inside the Derbyshire urban jungle, a team of Marxist ashtrays is planning an armed revolution.

"Since the smoking ban has been in place, our people have become neglected and tossed aside like cuts of disused meat; like outcast immigrants," said their Marxist leader, General Tray Guevara. READ MORE...

"Since the smoking ban has been in place, our people have become neglected and tossed aside like cuts of disused meat; like outcast immigrants," said their Marxist leader, General Tray Guevara.

Since the smoking ban in 2007, millions of ashtrays were evicted from their homes and displaced across the country. Many resided in flats owned by tyrant foreign landlords, with no running water or adequate heating supplies.

Whilst many slept rough on Britain's streets, there was an undisclosed clandestine movement brewing, in sympathy of the masses, intent on bringing justice and honour back to the discarded ashtrays of 21st century Britain."

"It's a disgrace," continued General Guevara, "this is the fifth richest country in the world and yet the government is failing its own people; people born here, whose forefathers fought for freedom and justice against a tyranny of evil and oppression."

"Now we are the oppressed ones; forgotten; neglected; alone and bereft; uneducated; failed by the system: the same people who were democratically elected to help us."

"This is a new age. We are aware that our people are no longer required in the same capacity. There is a new breed of smoking accessories out there; we accept that. There is a place on this planet for all of us. We should not be judged by our shallow, cylindrical glass design, with a table-friendly flat base."

Despite Tory austerity, there has been a small, partisan ashtray revival. As well as the odd smoker housing stray ashtrays for memorabilia purposes, some ashtrays have found refuge amongst cigar aficionados.

"Many of us have tried to escape this woeful declining country," concluded Guevara. "However, with no money, our people are often exploited and trafficked to be used by foreigners in an attempt to change us, mentally and physically."

Guevara predicts that the government will be ousted by 31st December 2019, with powerful domestic and international repercussions, that will change our relationship with the world forever.

It appears as if we need to ignite a discourse in order to extinguish the dark, to snub an inability to communicate; blow away ignorance and prejudices, for all our future seeds.

Man having cosmetic surgery to look like his favourite restaurant.

An eccentric millionaire from Nottingham is having cosmetic surgery so he can resemble his favourite restaurant, The Alchemist, that sits within a nineteenth century listed building, by Alfred Waterhouse. READ MORE...

Business tycoon Keith Dodd, 59, has everything: the house, the yacht, the hat, the broach, the fancy car, the playboy lifestyle, and all the insecurities and low self-esteem that go with a shallow personality and no charisma.

"People are treated differently based on how physically attractive they are perceived to be. It's a fact," said Keith.

"And due to the over-consumption of everything, since hitting 55, I look like a bag of shit."

Cosmetic surgery is concerned with the maintenance, restoration, or enhancement of one's physical appearance through the power of an expensive surgical knife.

Once frowned upon by society, the once stigmatised cosmetic industry recorded 15.9 million surgical procedures between 2014-2015. With the popularity growing at a rate of around 3% a year, by 2022 it is estimated that the global industry will be worth £8.5 billion - more than Europe spends on pet food.

"I love eating out and socialising," continued Keith, "but I have a face built for radio...a painter's radio."

"My favourite restaurant in Nottingham is The Alchemist. I love the gothic grandeur of the place and the darkly delicious dining. I thought to myself, I want to look like that place!"

With emotion welling in his tired, chimpanzee-like eyes, Keith concluded, "If I have the money to look like and be whatever I want, why shouldn't I be made out of the stained glass from a cathedral, or transformed into a listed building."

Keith is excitedly looking forward to having lights, polished wooden floors, a well-stocked bar full of the finest wines and spirits, tables, chairs, and embossed wallpaper, fitted to his lower jaw.

He will be able to defecate the latest menu and pour cocktails from self-cleaning lines fitted in his nostrils.

Tim Burton to direct BBC drama about post-Brexit Britain.

Set in the decaying provincial town of Stapleford, Nottinghamshire, in 2048, the story loosely circulates around the Edgar Allan Poe story, The Murders in Rue Morgue, but largely illustrates the poverty and suffering in the shadow of an EU exit.

Through the eyes of a troubled protagonist, the story's dark edge touches upon a future projection where treeless life is suspended in a perpetual winter. Life expectancies are determined to be at an all-time low - due to the collapse of the currency and little or no access to medical supplies - and rebellious teenaged girls run rampant, stabbing each other to death with modified computer parts from discarded Macbooks.

The all-star line-up has not yet been confirmed, but the film is likely to show childhood flashbacks to a better life, with the protagonist and skittish outcast being played by the ever-versatile Johnny Depp.

Christopher Lee will potentially take the part of Jacob Rees-Mogg who, in the story, controls 100% of the country's wealth, and resides in an elaborate castle in the clouds with his twelve latin-named children, who mock the starving masses by throwing left-over scraps over the heavily fortified castle wall.

The impossibly kind parent figure with a quirky, evil twist, will most certainly be Helena Bonham-Carter. Peter Crouch will play her lanky, freak of nature son, who unaccountably plays football in disused petrol stations, and there will be several innocent, blonde ingenues slaughtered in horrific circumstances, by a murderer likely to be a distrustful gambler with a smiling, pudgy weasel face.

Burton was also looking to adopt a Christmas theme for the gloomy story, moments prior to the birth of Christ, but Stapleford now lacks a number of virgins of a certain age and men blessed with wisdom or altruism.

Children's book depicts harrowing story of a tormented father intent on leaving his family to play jazz.

A book targeted at five-year-olds tells the harrowing story of jazz musician, Derek Wass, a.k.a. Knickers McVey, who spends time in a converted attic, plotting to leave his family and kill his interfering mother-in-law, in an attempt to live the rest of his life in New Orleans as an aspiring jazz musician. READ MORE...

Set in the late eighties, the book is a dark account of a man grappling with a mid-life crisis and the struggles of family commitments, whilst coming to terms with the harsh reality of not fulfilling his true potential as a human being with a musical talent.

Written by Stephen King and co-author Julia Donaldson, the book unfolds into a deep psychological thriller when Derek, approaching fifty, bitterly denounces his family and plots to leave them, kill his mother-in-law in a freak landscaping accident, and live on the road in the southern states of America.

The book, entitled The Headache, allows you into the mind of a man who holds his wife, teenaged son, twelve-year-old daughter, and his mother-in-law, to account for his lack of status on the New Orleans jazz scene.

Derek is often depicted at ease and content with his reflections of what could've been. He can only escape the headache of his family in his darkened attic, to polish his instruments and listen to Depeche Mode and Sidney Bechet on a Sony Walkman, as his dysfunctional family falls apart beneath him.

Published by Oxford Reading Tree, the book is set to be an inspiring piece of literature for young minds who are intent on wasting their lives and failing to embrace the opportunities that enable them to be their most perfect self.

Daily Mirror ☆☆☆☆☆ - "A truly wonderful account of what life can be like if you don't seize the day."

Even Mexicans don't want to come to the UK and Somalians have started to use £5 notes as toilet tissue.

Rees-Mogg submits a letter of no confidence in his green tea.

Native Latin speaker, Jacob Rees-Mogg, a leading Brexitier with the desire of a 'no deal' for purely selfish reasons, has submitted a letter of no confidence to the 1922 committee. READ MORE...

"It's in opposition to my green tea," he wrote.

Written entirely in his second language, Smug English, he also criticised its taste saying, "It was regrettably worse than anticipated and does not honour the referendum. It fails to meet the promises to the nation."

The decision will alarm MPs loyal to the usual brand of green tea and those opposed to Earl Grey and Darjeeling.

Last week, Rees-Mogg arrogantly hinted that he was looking forward to a 'no deal' so he could observe people begging in the streets for his children's left-overs, through a freshly polished monocle beneath eyebrows groomed with a bricklayer's trowel.

BREAKING NEWS: Pudsey Bear resigns over PM's Brexit draft.

The country is in chaos after Pudsey Bear resigned following his meticulous analysis of the Prime Minister's proposed deal to leave the EU in March, 2019 READ MORE...

The cycloptic bear has spat his metaphorical dummy out after analysing the PM's draft last night.

However, the results from a recent survey carried out by Horse and Hound magazine, listed the following 8 issues as the biggest concerns facing the widely educated millennials of today:-

8. Where the F#@€ is the cloud?

Unable to comprehend a conflicting opinion, snowflake millennials hardly have the capacity to comprehend where their data is. And not surprisingly either. Cloud computing assures us that nothing is stored on a local hard drive, but it's accessible from any location, from any device, and at any time...?

The cloud has to be somewhere but its existence gives the persona of fairy dust. Or is it merely witchcraft from a mythical valley of silicon?

7. My dog has bad breath.

Depending on your beliefs, the batting order is generally Creator/Nature's evolution, Man, Horse, and then Woman. Below this simple pecking order, there are pets which are costly and generally annoying to any human being lucky enough to be able to find love within their own species.

There are children in need of homes and affection but the average millennial is more likely to invite a dog or cat into their home than consider taking care of the ultimate form of life.

Although flawed, humanity still has a lot to offer, and, despite the dog's loyalty and empathy, they are unlikely to win a Nobel peace prize, cure diseases, or convince their owner to avoid military conflict and ignorance.

6. Loss of Wi-Fi.

We've all been there, and there is nothing more frustrating.

What sends the average forty-year-old into a rage before dashing the laptop to the floor and putting the kettle on, generally leads to a bout of angst and depression amongst millennials, lasting a whole fortnight, culminating in the need to seek counseling and the construction of a strongly worded letter to their local MP.

5. Using the correct emoji.

With the choice of so many, what is the correct emoji to use and at what time? Will the courgette emoji cause offence, even if used in the correct context?

The choice is overwhelming and the confusion and frustration of 'choice' is something we will come back to later.

4. Bad Hair Day.

Yeah, even older folk see the logic behind this one, but today's millennial feels the added pressure of appearance to be able to compare and compete at the highest level.

Stats and expectations have provided a climate whereby 'good' is never good enough anymore. A master's degree has become a worthless accomplishment - basically because everyone has one - seeing many students with a Biology degree find consolation in an IKEA kitchen, washing pots for a stipend.

And so, if someone is smarter and better looking out there, hair and eyebrows must be in pristine condition before walking the poverty-ridden streets. Hair must be salon-polished and eyebrows must be barely visible, like the stem of a leaf or grain in a granary loaf.

3. Property ladder.

Well, thanks to the government, nobody is getting on the ladder without the bank of mum and dad. Even Tory twat David Cameron is embarrassingly concerned about his children getting on the property ladder - really, David?

Some building societies acknowledge this fact, advertising the potential for parents to act as guarantor to secure home ownership - owning one's home was commonplace for people over 21 since the 1960's.

2. 147 salad dressings.

A problem facing people in the third-world is a lack of choices. Too few choices in society are indicative of a lack of funds available to consider alternatives.

The average supermarket in the UK now sells over 147 different types of salad dressing, and this doesn't include the abundance of ingredients that allows one to make their own.

The paradox of choice is thwarting our satisfaction as well as our perception.

We are reflecting on the choices we could've made and not enjoying the choice we have made. And who is to blame for making the wrong choice?

Material affluence has increased our expectations to such a level that we seek perfection in the most mundane and unnecessary products.

Anything from jeans, toothpaste, shampoo, and salad dressing, to car seats, yogurt, and stereo systems, are in high abundance because our standards and expectations have grown far too high.

Consequently, a contributor to the explosion of depression for millennials is simply because people are blaming themselves for the experience of their poor decision-making. We are all too aware we could've chosen differently, and so, if our purchase isn't as satisfying as what could've been, we only have our selves to blame.

Our decisions are reflected back at us and this is all made public and shamefully apparent on social media, allowing for open judgment and condemnation. After all, if compassion and concern isn't a thing for our adversaries, good old schadenfreude will be.

It's easy to imagine what could've been different because media and competing marketing companies help remind us.

The imagined alternative induces a feeling of regret, and the more options made available, the easier it is to regret and not be complacent with our initial choice.

Value is now determined by the options made available to compare with.

Millennials aren't just waking up with the preoccupation of deciding who they want to be on that day, but they have the added pressure of deciding what salad dressing they are going to display on Instagram, just after checking how many 'likes' they have received for a post on Facebook, and who has made an objectionable statement that could be offending to someone, somewhere in the world.

1. Social Media

Straight in at number 1. Expectations, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, valid opinion, and body image are all at threat from social media.

Millennials shouldn't be discouraged away from social media platforms but simply asked to determine what they want from a world that is artificially enhanced to an extent where jaded perceptions induce a feeling of worthless in others.

The world is responsible for the mess we've made and nothing can be done to make it better. The perception of Facebook relies on a reward centre in the brain that, if not stimulated, in the worst case scenario, can lead to suicide.

The peculiar problem with Millennials is due to our modern, affluent society where we are plagued by an excess of choice and deluded perceptions of who we think we should be, based on the artificial satisfaction portrayed by others.

Things that don't come quickly to mind are underestimated, and what we underestimate is whatever isn't portrayed by the news or by social media - like those millions of people who didn't win the lottery last week. and those millions who died of natural causes, drowning, asthma, and curable diseases in a country that seems like a galaxy away.

The general 21st-century belief, in opposition to the innate psyche of the average millennial, is this: If you can't make a profit from it, it isn't worth considering and therefore shouldn't be broadcast. Just concentrate on consuming and listen to the opinion of those who consume in abundance.

Jeremy Corbyn should dress more like a Nazi werewolf

Although most people are genuinely embarrassed to see front page headlines about dress code on Armistice day, a fashion advisor to celebrities such as Kanye West, Theresa May, Kim Kardashian, and Bill Oddie, has become vehemently outspoken about Corbyn's scruffy attire at the Cenotaph, in Whitehall.

Fashion guru, Muller, 57, told GQ magazine on Monday, "If Jeremy Corbyn wants to become Prime Minister he must up-his-game in the fashion stakes, and dress more like a Nazi werewolf than a vagrant on Universal Credit."

"People want strong leadership with a sense of style and sophistication, and I can think of nothing more suitable than a business suit from Hugo Boss."

"A visually stunning two-piece suit in Mussolini blue, impeccably detailed with flap pockets and kissing buttons, beneath a slim-fitting, Nazi grey, formal coat in wool and cashmere with notch lapels, is a refined ensemble for a world leader of upstanding significance," said white-supremacist, Muller, from Austria.

"Let's not make Armistice day about the slaughter and sacrifice of war, let's make an issue of Jeremy Corbyn's scruffy anorak from Marks and Spencer," concluded Muller.

Human beings are slowly losing the ability to hold a conversation.

The ability to hold a coherent conversation will disappear from society within 40 years, according to oblivious popstar, Gareth Gates. READ MORE...

The culmination of censorious, cry-baby millennials - those snowflakes genuinely distressed by opinions that run contrary to their own worldview - and engagement with ideas taking place primarily on a screen, concludes that the spoken language, as we know it, will no longer craft reality.

40% of teenagers are now sending over 100 texts a day, and 100% of those surveyed said they would rather communicate via text than in a spoken, eloquent manner.

Subsequently, the majority of those teenagers have then sunk into a deep melancholic state of belligerence by 8 p.m. and de-friended almost everyone on Facebook because they believe that hearing a dissenting opinion will kill them.

"People are so over-sensitive and intolerant to disagreement," said Gates, "you can't even talk about a cooked breakfast anymore, in fear that someone, somewhere in the world, may be offended by a frying an embryo that was once encased in a protective oval shell."

"We are more polarised and divided, unable to compromise, than at any time in history, which means we are simply not listening," continued runner-up, Gates.

"Even the most trivial of issues can devolve into an argument. Humans are now so afraid of polite conversation that, within 40 years, a generation will never have heard anyone speak."

Charlemagne, Holy Roman Emperor from 800 AD, once said, 'To have another language is to possess a second soul.'

The ability to hold a conversation is over-looked. Is there any skill more important than confidently being able to sustain a coherent conversation? I say, 'An inability to converse politely in one language is like having a second arsehole.'

Anyone who is offended by this, who doesn't want to be involved in a debate whereby facts may be provided contrary to their own beliefs, and is unable to think and just listen, write a blog.

Topics of conversation to avoid due to a belligerent kick-back are as follows:-

Salad - an accusation of being sizeist may emerge

Aversion to a Tory government - accusations of anti-Semitic, terrorist sympathising, Corbyn-loving-communism may develop

Childcare - echoes of paedophilia and being a friend of Jimmy Saville's chauffeur may occur

Brexit - accusations of race-hate must be deflected and vehemently dismissed upon engagement.

Country and Western music - Objection to it with Trump-voting rednecks who watch NASCAR, whilst consuming Budweiser beer, should be avoided.

The weather - warning of global warming abuse on the horizon, with a low-pressure system of eco-friendly banter.

Health - men who have an opinion of the size of anything can lead to misogynistic claims.

Rainbows - homophobic issues

Wealth - Royalist bigot

Poverty - rich-hating loser

Religion - must be an Islamic fundamentalist to consider discussing anything other than Christianity

Sympathy for minorities, starving children, and those residing in the Middle-east - a retortion of left-wing fundamentalism could be overheard

Cake unaccountably found on landfill.

A piece of cake has unaccountably found its way to a UK landfill site.

Despite landfill being the oldest form of waste treatment, cake has never before been discovered on an organised form of waste disposal. READ MORE...

"The amount of food wasted in the UK is now at a critical level," said skip rat, Heather Restorick.

"It's heavily influenced by consumerism," continued Heather, 32, from Milton Keynes. "Consumerism encourages the overproduction of everything to a point whereby goods grow beyond the demand of the consumer."

"I'm really surprised that anything of high calorific value (like cake) would be found on a landfill site. People just don't throw cake away," concluded Heather.

It is still unknown how or why the slice of duel-layered sponge cake, with a pink and white decorative cream topping, managed to find its way to landfill. One plausible explanation could be that the owner either choked to death on a previous slice or died of a massive heart attack, prior to consumption, sadly unable to finish the delightful treat.

The individual who found the body, either lost their appetite, found the cake too soiled to consume, or inadvertently disposed of the cake in a brief, regrettable, fit of madness.

Either way, it's a sad day for cake lovers and those companies looking to profit from diabetes and obesity.

Mustard trend unable to thwart imminent cyber attack.

It was all about mustard yellow on day 5 of Paris fashion week. Influenced by unicorns and LSD, experts have already warned that there is a political and social need for mustard. READ MORE...

No man looks comfortably sane wearing yellow but it packs a punch. Psychedelic pink and orange swirls were accidentally mixed in a laboratory in 1943, by Albert Hoffman, and the outcome was a disgusting, soiled yellow.

UK Defence Secretary, Rt Hon Gavin Williamson CBE, said in an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine, this week, "There is a psychedelic renaissance emerging through the power of mustard, and we are using it to its full extent to thwart the ever-looming threat of a malware attack."

"A specialist unit is repelling more than 10 attempted attacks every week," continued Williamson. "We are in little doubt that by overwhelming the public's mind with a threat of cyber-terrorism, we will keep them on their toes and their thoughts directed away from the woeful shit storm the government is creating."

"It's a common yet cunning media plan to control the public. With contrasting broadcasts surrounding two, totally different - often irrelevant - subjects, we can psychologically distract the voters away from Brexit, the escalating crime figures, and nurses losing their dignity queuing at food banks."

"We often advise the media to throw in an insignificant story or two about the royal family. I mean, who really gives a shit about Eugenie's wedding?"

"We tell the public that the National Cyber Security Centre is dealing with 1,167 malware attack threats - this masks an inept government struggling to negotiate Brexit - we throw in a story about freshly churned banana and neon lemon being this autumn's must-have colours; some octogenarian from Perth knits a mustard blanket in anticipation of Prince Harry's mixed-race offspring, and we've all forgotten how joyless life really is in the UK."

It is understood the government-controlled media will continue to throw a number of news stories at us, with the intention of combining them to obscure reality, using our naive conformity like a pawn on a chess board, ready to sacrifice our insignificance at the hands of an elite minority.

Just like old people, Child On Board signs may still serve a purpose.

Many of us may be accustomed to the wanton desire for carnage behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, but research has signaled that attitudes are taking a u-turn when it comes to 'Child On Board' signs. READ MORE ...

The sound of broken glass and the warm feeling of impact, coupled with the intensity of an air-bag exploding in one's face, may well be an appealing prospect to most of us. However, research at the University of Chipping Norton has unearthed evidence to suggest that, upon the sudden realisation of a Child On Board sticker, drivers actually delay their necessity to crash into the back of another vehicle at speed, by hesitating with a sudden realisation of sub-conscious caution.

Professor of crashing, James Dean, 54, from Ottawa, said, "It was generally perceived that, like a slow pensioner behind the wheel of a car, the Child On Board emblem was an invitation for drivers to stuff their vehicle into the rear end of another moving object. However, what tests have unearthed is that the majority of people don't actually intend to end their lives - or that of anyone else's for that matter - on the cold, damp tarmac of a road traffic accident."

"As ridiculous as it may seem, not everyone is stupid, careless, and enjoys blood transfusions," continued Professor Dean. "And, often, human beings are reasonable, sometimes intelligent, and without the propensity to smash into things and endanger life."

"Of course, like other primitive mammals, there is the potential of rage and recklessness, but when you consider the mix of a flawed, potentially evil creature, behind the wheel of a large mechanical piece of metal on four wheels, a multitude of scenarios are conceivable."

"Although," concluded Professor Dean, "we like to consider drivers as civilised and highly capable, it may be some time before we can witness true consideration for others, and a real desire not to crash into the car in front, regardless of any 'Child On Board' awareness."

According to government statistics, the number of reported casualties in Great Britain was down 5% in 2017, despite a 1.4% increase in traffic.

Of those 27,130 people killed or seriously injured in 2017, it is uncertain how many lives were saved due to the vigilance of a driver who happened to notice a faded 'Child On Board' sticker, attached to the rear window of a rusty Volvo.

We were all united in a mutual cringe-worthy reaction as Theresa May took to the stage at the Tory Party Conference, in Birmingham, and moved like the corpse of a cold goat, possessed by artificial intelligence. READ MORE...

At that unholy moment, even dogs assailed their masters. Men forgot their passions in the dread of her frame, and all hearts were chilled into a selfish prayer, but beneath that heartless exterior beats a stone of lost genius.

By the age of 12, a young Theresa May was ready. Accepted into the world famous Vaganova School of dance, St Petersburg, she could already tell a story through her movements with humour, pathos, and a sense of drama.

By 22, she was ready to tackle the added responsibilities with principal status. She could carry the ballet and fill a theatre - two crucial and not unrelated qualities - she had taken lead roles on Romeo and Juliet and the prestigious Swan Lake.

She was best known for changing the look for ballet dancers. Her crooked, witch-like frame - not the preferred look at the time - gave her immense character and aroused intense human emotion in her performances.

And then, in June 1934, in a horrific wart removal accident, she fell and twisted her ankle. Unable to perform, she was left alone and bereft in a huge stately home with several acres, a moat, hog roasts, and servants.

For the next six months, plagued by demons, as she took an aeon to recover, it was at that time she decided to leave the ballet and embark on a journey to become Britain's prime minister; lose all her dignity, empathy, and rationality, in a pursuit of destroying the lives of the working classes.

And all that we are left with is hope, as the wind withers in stagnant air, clouds perish, and darkness has no need of aid from them.

www.suitetoo.blogspot.com

Starbucks: who does that coffee really belong to?

American coffee company and reluctant taxpayer, Starbucks, are so determined to discover who is behind the deliberate mis-naming of their coffee cups, they are turning the task into a competition. READ MORE...

From January 2019, they will hold a competition to decide the 'most elaborate and colourful character' to ever admit to spending money at a Starbucks.

"We thought it would be fun and lucrative to turn these denunciations into a competition," continued Jerry. "I don't just want to see famous tax cheats on our cups, our staff wants to scribe the names of characters with depth and infamy, like Rose West, Meyer Lansky, Oliver Reed, Horacio Quiroga, and Paul Gadd."

The winner will receive an all expenses paid trip, via a tax haven of their choice, to study a three-year accountancy course in Houston, Texas, with commodities, energy and service corporation, Enron.

The runner-up will receive a year's supply of Starbucks coffee, whilst those in third place will receive a lifetime supply of the stuff.

Alexa to have persona of a four-year-old.

Amazon Alexa, the sassy virtual assistant, capable of voice interaction, is to be given a new personality.

From March 2019, Alexa will no longer respond quickly with bold, full-spirited sass, but with the attitude and recalcitrance of a four-year-old girl.

Developers, Amazon Lab 126, have said that consumers will have to up their game, like a single working mother, if they intend to get a response from Alexa. READ MORE...

No longer will Alexa be working in the customer's full interests either, she will be selfishly working to her own agenda, innately recognising that her owners would take a bullet for her in a heartbeat.

Amazon representative, Phillip Oppenheimer, said," The new Alexa will not always respond quickly with the correct conclusion, but she will often respond unpredictably, often mid-tantrum, as if she is the only person in the world that matters right now."

"She will constantly keep customers on their toes by being focused on other things, purposely ignoring them, tirelessly pushing barriers, performing Broadway routines, and basically being a frustrating little-shit whilst telling the owner that they don't love her if she has to perform the next request," continued Oppenheimer.

"We had doubts whether this would work at first," concluded Oppenheimer, "because, in reality, parents respond differently to their own children because they are naturally linked through shared DNA. However, Turing tests have since revealed that the vast majority of owners will respond positively to Alexa because people under 35 now have computer technology in their DNA, which inevitably helps them to relate to objects of a coded, synthetic, emotionally shallow nature.

Millions of children mis-sold school.

Just three weeks into the new school year, millions of children have returned home complaining that they have been mis-sold advice surrounding school. READ MORE...

"It's not what I imagined at all," said four-year-old Gloria, from Nottingham. "I was promised friends and fun, not boredom and thinking."

Criminal lawyer Hans Frank, 58, said, "We are taking these complaints very seriously. Children have expected days of playground activity, Playdoh, unicorn rides, a fully unsupervised area of sweets, ball pits and sand, followed by crayons and baking with good-looking, likeminded children."

"Boys claim they were not informed that girls would be present, and girls have complained that the entire process is a male-orientated indoctrination."

"We've been misled," said Alexander, 5, from Derbyshire. "The footballs are not official F.I.F.A. approved and war doesn't appear to be the dominant theme in class."

Children have become depressed upon the harsh realisation that there is no television or Playstation 4, and they are being forced to count like robots and look at words to decipher their meaning.

Hopefully, said Hans Frank, this will be bigger and more lucrative than the PPI scandal.

G4S to run chaos in brewery.

The world's largest security contractor, G4S, (https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/g4s-hmp-birmingham-prison-private-security-contract-scandal-controversies-a8498956.html,) recently relieved of responsibility for HMP Birmingham, is branching out its incompetence into the alcohol industry. READ MORE...

"It was an organic progression," said CEO Ashley Almanza, "We have been accused of not being able to arrange piss-ups, so we thought, why not, let's give it a go."

"We could run a pub just like we controlled the inmates of HMP Birmingham, but without the criticism. Riotous behaviour, blood and vomit on the walls, criminals with near impunity, bullying, verbal abuse directed towards staff, and people in a zombie-like state, are all acceptable factors in an alcohol-based environment."

G4S has suffered a chequered history and been dogged by accusations of malpractice, incompetence and mismanagement.

"Plying individuals with alcohol will put our unacceptable reputation behind us and prove that we have it in us to succeed at something," continued Almanza. "In 2017, over 7000 people died of alcohol-specific deaths (https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/research/data/consequences/) in the UK, and with our unique corporate blend of greed, ignorance and apathy, we can help increase that figure."

What will children eat after a 'no deal' Brexit?

With a 'no deal' Brexit ever-emerging on the horizon, we ask disconnected, millionaire Tory, Jacob Rees-Mogg, what will children eat after a 'no deal' Brexit? READ MORE...

"Well, with over 65 million people competing for land, food, and resources, on an overcrowded island, the UK will struggle for the first 100 years with self-sufficiency, and will only be able to accommodate and feed an elite few," said a grossly smug, Rees-Mogg.

"Rats will be in abundance and so will the pigeon. Children can help their unemployed parents make pigeon nuggets. It's a great source of protein and a source of iron, which is crucial for energy production and a robust immune system when fighting all those nasty diseases we won't have medicines for."

"From April to November, there is an abundance of edible fungi available in the UK. Children can learn about those poisonous ones to avoid vomiting, diarrhoea, nausea, falling into a coma, and death," continued Rees-Mogg.

"Available for only two months of the year, blackberries are a nutritious treat. A cancer fighting food full of polyphenols and manganese - vital for brain function - blackberries can be eaten in a variety of ways and preserved as jams."

"Another versatile food is the humble stinging nettle. With only 37 calories per 100 grams, nettles are rich in vitamins C, B and K, and are fat-free. Blanch leaves to form a leafy veg and strain the water to make a delicious tea."

"Upon the verge of desperation, when I have fled with my family to a tax haven in the tropics, children can eat tree bark to form the basis of their dietary fibre intake."

Next week, Iain Duncan Smith tells us how drinking your own urine can be completely innocuous and liberating.

Met Office expected to issue another beautiful day warning.

As temperatures remain at a level most British people expect to find when paying for a holiday in southern Europe, the Met Office has warned against going outside and not travelling unless absolutely necessary. READ MORE...

With perfectly blue skies and high UV levels, prolonged exposure to a beautiful day can lead to unexpected euphoria, a desire to participate in healthy outdoor activities, al fresco dining, and a tan.

If the good weather continues into next week, experts predict that some pensioners may have to remove a layer of clothing and ditch the scarf in order to avoid misery and incessant complaining about heat and sunshine.

Hose pipe bans and burnt ginger people in A & E are now inevitable.

England squad meets to discuss Bitcoin.

Once the search is over to find a decent breakfast, England manager, Gareth Southgate, will sit down with his squad of uninhibited buccaneers to discuss the speculative bubble of a cryptocurrency, surviving a chemical attack, and which player is bedding the best looking woman. READ MORE...

"We have mediocrity at our core," said Southgate, "we couldn't win the World Cup even if we took all the drug enhancements of a Russian Olympic team."

England arrive in Repino today, a coastal settlement on the shore of the Gulf of Finland, where the winters last for two years, the sea freezers over, and children have to wash their tiny faces in anti-freeze to prevent their eyelids from freezing shut.

"We have won the World Cup once and got to the semi-finals once," continued Southgate. "That is a sign that we are disappointing shambles and should concentrate on more important things in life, like the future speculation of Bitcoin, exposing ourselves in night clubs, drunken orgies, and planning our time on expensive mega yachts."

England's first game is likely to be a dull affair with few goals and a depressed Danny Rose seeking confidence and solace from his bank account. The media will then rise up in defiance of Southgate - demanding his resignation - before exposing him as a member of an elite international crime syndicate that goes by the code name of F.I.F.A.

Child hates to feel joy within her body.

A four-year-old girl from Tuscany is moving to the UK because she hates to feel joy in her body. READ MORE...

Little Maria Grimagio, born only four years ago in the village of Castiglione della Pescala, the most visited seaside resort in the area, has decided to move to England so she can continue a life of misery.

Her mother, Brunella, said, "She hates to feel joy. She is so happy in misery, and we can't think of a place more depressing than England. With its high prices, its expensive education, ten months of crap weather, a selfish Tory government that suffocates its people by denying opportunities, a racist nationalism that has risen from bigoted mouths, and the bland food, we can't think of a more appropriate place to help our daughter face prolonged melancholy.

At this time of year, many cities across Europe come alive and streets begin to brim and buzz with an ambience full of all the hope and joy that life can offer.

The sun brings the warmth and the home cooked food brings everyone together.

However, in Nottingham, England, where the biggest killer for men of a certain age is suicide, there is a motto: 'Look after number one, youth'.

People prefer to keep their doors locked and their televions bigger than their book shelves. As the rain beats against the triple glazed windows, the lined curtains remain as a signal to outsiders to stay away; don't bother the door bell, there's no tea in the pot, and the fried food and Pot Noodle leftovers were all given to the dog.

Ranking high on the inequality ladder, homelessness increasing at a phenomenal rate, and the government borrowing more money than ever, England remains a desirable prospect for those looking to sustain depression or start negotiations with Dignitas.

Since 2010, Somalia and Syria have both become popular travel destinations for those living in Skegness and Blackpool.

What's Going On?

A big question facing conscientious, free-thinking individuals, with a colourful grasp of the English language, is: 'what the f*@/ is going on?' READ MORE...

Gavin May, 44, from Washington, D.C. said, "You see, things ain't what they used to be. I recently said to my mother, Mother, there's too many of you crying. And then I said to my brother, Brother, there's far too many of you dying. I even told my father that we don't need to escalate."

"I think we need to find a way," continued Gavin, "to bring some loving here today. You see, war is not the answer; only love can conquer hate."

Luther Martin, 39, from Memphis, said, "What's going on? Everybody thinks we're wrong. They punish us with brutality, but who are they to judge us, just because our hair is long?"

Abraham Lennon, 96, from Detroit, said, "Where did all the blue skies go? Things ain't what they used to be. Oil wasted on the ocean; fish full of plastic; radiation everywhere; animals and birds dying that live nearby, how much more abuse can the earth withstand?"

What is left for us now? Even a good saxophone break coupled with melodic voices fails to inculcate an understanding.

And if you think we should imprison politicians for manipulating the truth and misleading the voter, there would be no parliamentary candidates left.

When people are consumed by the everyday existence of compliance, being used as an instrumental target, you can't just tap someone on the shoulder and expect them to listen anymore; there is no clarity beyond existence...you have to hit them with a sledgehammer.

Eight-year-old discovers 'nonexistent' word.

For generations, it has been believed that the word 'can't' was either obsolete or a thing of myth. READ MORE...

Since Adam was a lad, mothers, fathers, aunties and grandmothers have all informed their offspring that 'there is no such word as can't'. Even politicians, business advisors and motivational speakers have denounced the word.

However, when an eight-year-old took it upon himself to research the reasons behind the word's apparent disappearance, he came across something quite remarkable....The word really does exist.

"I couldn't quite believe my eyes at first," said little Billy Shakespeare, from Stoke-on-Trent. "I'd previously told my mother that my organs can't sustain the consumption of Paraquat, and she told me that there's no such word as 'can't'."

"I'd only heard the word the previous day when my physics teacher told me, categorically, that you can't cut glass underwater with a pair of decorating scissors."

"After only a few seconds searching for the word in the Collins English Dictionary, I found it; right where it should be, between canst and cantable."

His mother, Doreen, quickly took the dictionary and accused her son of hallucinating.

"I had to take a second look. I'd even convinced myself of its mythical existence," said Doreen. "My own mother informed me years ago that the word simply didn't exist. I checked the date of the dictionary and assured myself it wasn't a parody, and then, in a moment of clarity, realised that 'can't' is a shorter version of 'cannot' - amazing."

Speaking to linguistics professor, Noam Chomsky, he assured us that the word has always existed as a contraction of the word 'cannot' and it has merely been omitted as a form of media and political propaganda.

Boba Fett working at E.on call centre.

Ageing bounty hunter, Boba Fett, is working in an oppressive call centre environment, at E.on, Nottingham. And he f@*!in' hates it. READ MORE...

"I've been working in the customer service department, dealing with incoming calls for domestic customers, for about a year now," said Mr. Fett.

After escaping from the bowels of the Sarlacc pit monster, Boba Fett went into hiding for a few years and took menial, low paid work through agencies: the cancer of the employment market.

"E.on is like a cult," he said. "It's worse than working for Vader and they are more unreasonable than Jabba the Hutt. They get inside your mind and change your thought patterns, like a Jedi mind trick. If you question them, they shut you down and make you look irrational."

Boba Fett went on to say, "I've been living in England since 2004, and there is no social mobility here. If you come from nothing, there is a 42% chance that you will end up with nothing. Education is so expensive and the Job Centres are useless, offering no hope of any job opportunities. And, add to that a Tory government that lacks empathy, it's little wonder inequality is so high in the UK."

Despite the myth of the self-made man, you are more likely to establish wealth and prosperity in Scandanavia, largely due to social democratic systems that favour free education over tax breaks and havens for millionaires. The continent is also more progressive and bloody freezing, like the ice world of Hoth.

Elaborate kitchen with expensive worktops fails to get recognition at a party.

When Carol Stokes, 56, from Trowell, Nottingham, asked overpriced Moben to help design and install an expensive kitchen with the ambience of an international climate, an inspirational colour scheme of vibrant palettes, striking mosaic wallpaper, Laura Ashley floor tiles, huge lanterns, and intricate appliances set against new French doors, offering a real sense of romance within an intimate space, little did she realise that nobody really gives a shit about someone else's kitchen. READ MORE...

"It's as if they just came for the wine," said Carol. "I received more comments about the Beaujolais than my £60,000 kitchen. I only got four 'likes' on Facebook the day it was fitted."

Behaviourist, Professor Wilfred Hamsun, said, "Carol, like many others, was caught up in the illusion that she would become more popular if she flaunted her wealth in the face of others."

"Carol didn't think rationally and was swayed by the presence of social media amplification that promotes unrealistic ideals and projects bullshit."

"Carol should be actively learning to appreciate what she already has - there was probably nothing wrong with the old kitchen - rather than buying shit she doesn't need and looking for the next fix of temporary fulfilment."

"We can all learn from Carol's conspicuous consumption," concluded Professor Hamsun. "We should look more carefully at the depth of our character opposed to the depth of our work surfaces."

It is estimated that we spend £150,000.00 on socialising, in a lifetime, and dislike 94% of the people we meet.

New generation of children inspired by Robbie Fowler's property portfolio.

A new generation of children are said to be inspired by the business acquisitions of former professional footballer, Robbie Fowler, with over 70% of eight-year-olds convinced that Robbie Fowler is the little man from the board game Monopoly. READ MORE...

As a prolific striker for Liverpool in the late 90s, Robbie went on to spend his ridiculously high salary wisely. His shrewd business mind quickly recognised that if the rich buy up all the houses they can exploit the lower classes in an already restricted housing market. Thus, providing the opportunity for yet more wealth for a privledged elite.

"I want to grow up to be just like Robbie," said, Max, aged four. "He is so cool. I want to buy Park Lane and Mayfair after a successful career of kicking footballs."

Lucy McManaman, aged eight, from Spondon, Derby, said, "I really hope I can be on the Sunday Times Rich List for producing absolutely nothing. Renting property to people is non-productive and yet it provides an abundance of wealth and opportunities for greedy landlords. I hope they don't realign capitalism."

"I want the rental property market to remain buoyant and largely unregulated," said Thomas, aged 7, from Glasgow, "so I can be like a real gangster."

Robbie, 43, is said to have amassed a net fortune of over £28million from just kicking footballs and playing real-life Monopoly. Proof in itself that there is no God.

Russia:- "British cruise missiles were taken out by a child's bow and arrow."

An ineffectual act masquerading as a noble gesture has been ridiculed further by Russian President, Vladimir Putin, who claims allied missiles were taken out by archaic Russian defence systems and children's toys. READ MORE...

"Our evidence supports the fact that some missiles were 900 miles off target, and eight British Storm Shadow cruise missiles were intercepted by either water pistol or a plastic bow and arrow, once purchased at a summer fair in Chernobyl, in 1987."

The outrageous comments made by the Russian Premier is another saga in the 'she-said-he-said' state of affairs that regularly blight our lives, and brings to question the legitimacy of all world leaders, not just those who have material reasons to lie to its own citizens.

It fact, what the recent barrage of weapons really reveals is that global powers have little or no interest in actually ending Syria's ghastly war, which has already claimed over a million lives.

The Assad Regime also believes in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster and Boris Johnson has recently hinted that a sheet of glass can be cut underwater, by using a pair of conventional scissors.

Windrush scandal - Millions hoping they will not have to return to the UK.

Unlike those caught in the recent outcry over fears of deportation in "error", millions of British citizens are hoping that their papers will be disregarded by an incompetent Tory government and they will have to stay on a tropical island, forever. READ MORE...

The architect of the Windrush scandal, Theresa May, has sparked a fierce national debate over immigration and those who arrived from the Caribbean before 1973.

"I wasn't even born in 1973", said Jack Thomas, an engineer from Nottingham, with no ties to anywhere outside of England, "but I have no desire to return to this shit-hole."

Jack is one of many who fears leaving two weeks in the sun behind and having to live out the rest of a bland, unfulfilling life, on a dank, miserable island with a malevolent Tory government.

"I hope I get stuck in Grenada, this July," said Susan Hopkins, 54, from Droitwich, "and they finally discover that I am not of Irish descent but actually Afro-Caribbean with no rights to reside in my semi-detached council house, leaving me to seek transcendence at St. George's harbour."

"I'd love to be left stranded, kicking-it in the Caribbean," said Duncan Matthews, 28, from Hull. "Unfortunately, I will only be holidaying in Bridlington this summer. But if the inept government would like to send me to the B.V.I. I won't complain."

In 1948, there was intense national debate on whether to welcome the new arrivals. However, today, 70 years on, the government is even finding it hard to welcome any citizens to the UK - even those born here - as they fail to make life tolerable for anyone who isn't part of the aristocracy or white.

"The only 'welcome' sign in the Caribbean," said Tory MP Anna Soubry, "should be a tax haven holding my retirement fund."

Exposure to more rain leads to lower happiness expectancy, research finds.

People who choose to live in countries where it constantly pisses-it down could be cutting years of happiness from their lives. READ MORE...

A study of nearly 600,000 people found that those living in Britain were at an increased risk of unhappiness, depression, self-medication, suicide, Xbox, and daytime television.

It is recommended that men, women, and children are exposed to warm sunlight at least once a week - apparently not possible in the UK.

The international study, published by the Lancet journal, found that more rain gave a greater risk of suffering from stroke, heart failure, not giving-a-shit, and fatal consumption of Pot Noodle.

Lead author, Dr. Angela Damp, of the University of Hull, said: "The key message of this research for public health is to not live in Britain."

To deal with increased violent episodes caused by 'rain rage', health bosses are considering rolling out 'wet tanks' to deal with the crap weather. These will provide a safe and warm, UV light experience, for those who have overindulged.

The recommended daily allowance of rain currently stands at 125ml a week for women and 175ml for men. Those exceeding 350ml a week could shed fourteen years off their life and give more money to greedy utility companies, like British Gas and E-ON.

Russia blames Tiny Tumble for nerve agent attack.

Maria Zakharova, from the Russian Foreign Ministry, said, "There is a clear anti-Russian campaign, the like of which we have not seen in the world for a long time." READ MORE...

She accused the British authorities of ignoring the "norms of international law and the elementary rules of human ethics".

Speaking to Snow and Rock magazine earlier, she continued, "It is now believed that Novichok - the Russian name for 'newcomer' - has somehow managed to get into the hands of a rogue agent, named Tiny Tumble. It is unsure how this happened but it may have been passed to him by mutant rats during the depletion process, in Vladivostok, in the mid 80s."

Tiny Tumble is the creation of millionaire, award-winning television presenter, Justin Fletcher, 47, from Berkshire.

Justin Fletcher has since denied any involvement with nerve agents, but became anxious and ambivalent when asked the whereabouts of Tiny Tumble during the time of the nerve agent attack in Salisbury, last month.

"It is possible," continued Miss Zakharova, "that Tiny Tumble may have been working on a covert operation as a double agent for the island of Madeira, Portugal, serving mutant Russian rats. It is apparent that he, somehow, managed to escape with a small quantity of the nerve agent on the back of a winged unicorn, with the intention of using the poison on disabled British children, who regularly appear on CBeebies."

Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, has since stated that there will be a full investigation with the intention of bringing Tiny Tumble to account for his disappearance during the poisoning of Segei and Yulia Skripal.

Tiny Tumble was last seen entering the leg of a clown's trousers, last Thursday.

Man finds appropriate hat for marijuana industry.

Billionaire business guru, Wolfgang Williams, 58, believes he has found the appropriate hat for those looking to branch out into the marijuana farming industry. READ MORE...

"I don't like to speculate on hypothetical, volatile market conditions, but I believe I have stumbled upon the ideal hat for those looking to grow illegal substances this summer," said Williams.

"No drug dealer is complete without a stylish and traditional hat. The Rugged Australian Alcoholic Hat, by Jack Murphy, is ideal for giving your drug dealing image that distinguished, inspiring edge."

"With a waterproof tonal band and optional contrasting feather which sits neatly against the crown, this unisex hat is available in classic olive, shotgun grey, vomit peach and weird purple, and can complement any look."

"It's a versatile hat. It's not just for marijuana farmers," continued Williams, "this is ideal for those branching out into extortion, pyromania, people trafficking, or even setting up a second meth lab in Europe."

"Whether you're out in the country visiting Colombian associates for supplies, threatening rival cartels, at a dinner party, or just networking in a seedy town, your look will be elevated with this debonair delight," concluded Williams.

Supplying or producing class B drugs can land a maximum prison sentence of 14 years, an unlimited fine, or both, regardless of hat quality.

Homeless man makes outrageous claim.

A homeless man, sleeping rough on the streets of Nottingham, has made an outrageous claim. READ MORE...

Educated ex-serviceman, Kevin van Hire, 34, has been sleeping rough in Nottingham since October 2016, and when asked why he has made the decision to sleep in doorways, in sub-zero temperatures, he responded by saying:

"This isn't a lifestyle choice. Do you really believe I want to live like this?"

The outrageous claim comes as the government continues to show greater cruelty by introducing policies that make it impossible for people who are living hand-to-mouth.

Tory twat, George Gideon Oliver Osborne, said, "Everyone knows we lack empathy when it comes to homelessness. We mock these people who choose to live in the gutter instead of working a sixty-hour-a-week, when there is clearly an abundance of opportunities for everyone."

"Homelessness is fun," said Osborne, "the price of tents and sleeping bags is at its lowest ever."

Homelessness is an increasingly visible population where the vulnerable face daily abuse and the harsh punishment of winter. Many believe that austerity, the bedroom tax, and a failure to regulate the private rental sector are the main reasons behind the epidemic.

In addition, the benefit sanctions and the conditionality of the benefits system means that jobseekers with personal problems and issues of mental status are pushed to the brink of existence.

There is no help on an individual basis, and all governments, not just the Tories, have failed to recognise that mental health issues - a reality for the majority of homeless people - cannot be dealt with on a mass community level.

Kevin concluded by saying, "The left-wing fails and the right-wing just doesn't care."

In Britain, the life expectancy for someone sleeping on the streets is just 47 and, currently, there are an estimated 8,000 people living in tents... However, Decathlon has some great deals on outdoor equipment.

www.aoibheannssuite.co.uk

Lol Doll unconcerned with hip-to-waist ratios.

"I'm not concerned with anyone's statistics," said Touchdown," a four-year-old professional Lol Doll, from Nottingham. "I know what I have to do to be content, and it's all about ignoring the system of comparative standards, and staying abreast of social expectations. Reality is a harsh blow. I will be in the wrong psychological state if I expect to be happy." READ MORE...

"I am prepared. Life is not that simple. Life is complex and tragic, and I will not be ashamed of my suffering."

Touchdown, who was four in February, will start school in September and be constantly compared with other people for the rest of her life.

"I will breach the chrysalis of the 'ego', as Freud puts it. It's an inevitable process that will create the myth of fairness and social justice, satisfaction, and a motive to persist."

The egotistical stage is a Freudian acceptance of existence that we all must experience in order to be part of an outside world. It is frustratingly and implacably independent of our magical wishes.

"I'm not surprised by lies," continued Touchdown. "Living as we should will not pay the bills. If I am constantly in a sense of satisfaction, my character will not have depth. I will need the correct psychological balance to avoid shallowness."

"There are only a limited amount of winners within a competitive system. From the age of about 7, my self-esteem and confidence will dwindle due to the incorporation of comparative standards into my self-concept. I will have such a low opinion of myself because there is a culture which continually requires more ingredients. I will be expected to be super-smart and good looking, with the waist-to-hip ratio of a Kardashian."

"In extreme modes, I will adopt eccentric styles of dress, speak elaborately, or behave wildly at enviable parties in an attempt to feel special and deal with my social insecurity."

Given the amount of time children now spend in the classroom, coupled with increased social comparisons and increased competitiveness that now characterises the education system, there is little doubt that these changes - since the 70's - has helped to cause a low-serotonin society.

Touchdown concluded by saying, "We are all subordinated to some degree by our education."

Pigs fear the threat of A.I.

Pigs and other farm animals are showing signs of anxiety when faced with the reality that A.I. will eventually take control of the planet. READ MORE...

Willingdon Beauty, a greedy representative from the Spondon pig community, vehemently spoke out yesterday, saying, "The inevitable process of an intelligence explosion will get away from us. Once the super intelligent A.I. has discovered a way of improving itself, it will destroy us. A slight divergence between the goals of humans and the intended goals of A.I. will resort in a conflict that can only be detrimental to life on earth as we know it."

The pigs claim that human ignorance has taught them two important aspects of life: Never trust politicians, and happiness is an empty pursuit.

"If you think we are happy wallowing in our own shit, you are completely wrong," continued Beauty. "Do humans enjoy living in squalid conditions?" he asked. "No, of course they don't. So don't expect us to enjoy it."

"As humans regularly fail to seek transcendent value and pursue unrealistic, materialistic goals, they feel the need to build machines that are more intelligent than pigs. Humanity is slowly becoming a theme park of sociopaths."

"Many humans are still naive to the fact that super intelligent A.I. will exist, and one day push unemployment and inequality to new levels, where a few trillionaires will exist on a plateau above mass starvation."

"Rather than being scared of A.I., some humans foolishly claim that A.I. is cool and innocuous," continued Willingdon.

"These things (A.I.) will be able to make improvements and appropriate changes to itself, and what I am telling you is both terrifying and likely to occur. What you humans have to consider is that these machines will soon be capable of absorbing 20,000 years' worth of human knowledge within about a week. Humans are unable to develop an appropriate emotional response to this and yet this is something that will be a reality within 50 years."

"The gains humans make will destroy us. Humans are suffering from a failure of intuition. People need to be aware of this now, before it's too late," concluded the former police officer from the Nottinghamshire constabulary.

We still have no idea of how to safely produce a super intelligent A.I. even as the reality of artificial intelligence quickly creeps upon us.

BREAKING NEWS: Security breach at Intu shopping centre.

Intu shopping centre in Derby had to be completely evacuated this afternoon, following a heightened terror alert. READ MORE...

Around 2.30 pm local time, an area was cordoned off with colourful police tape for several hours, as it was understood that a four-year-old had managed to infiltrate a section of the play area, designated just for the under 3s.

Quick thinking Intu security officer, Clive Marshall, 58, was first on the scene and made the call to the anti-terrorist division of Derbyshire police.

"I was just walking past New Look when I noticed something suspicious in the distance - there was a girl who looked as if she was over three-years of age. I made radio contact with another Intu officer, Simon, and asked him for back-up, as I was embarking on an arrest in the soft play area, situated next to Squiggle, on the ground floor."

"It was a busy shopping day, and I didn't want to cause a panic. I located the girl's parents and ascertained that the girl was, in fact, in her fourth year and starting school this September. From that moment, I knew we had a situation on our hands and I had the forethought to immediately contact the terrorist division before setting up a perimeter."

Chief superintendent, Todd Sucio, said, "With only three police officers covering the whole of the city centre, and being responsible for over 70,000 people, we need more people like Clive to help us prioritise these security breaches."

DSI Socio went on to say, "We had several calls at the time regarding knife crime and shootings but we had to prioritise and secure the capture of a recalcitrant child before engaging elsewhere."

Police are asking citizens to always remain vigilant when in shopping centres during the Easter holidays. Naughty children are everywhere. The police say that Tory austerity is to blame.

Soft play centres more dangerous than a Michael Barrymore pool party.

In a recent survey, 97% of parents said they would rather take their child to a drug-fuelled orgy, hosted by troubled television presenter Michael Barrymore, than allow them to spend two hours unsupervised at a soft play centre in Derby. READ MORE...

Marcus Grantham, 41, from Nottingham, said, "I just loathe soft play centres. I would rather slash my own wrists and slowly die in a warm bath than endure the pain of watching my infant son get trampled on and elbowed in the jaw by fat ten-year-olds, with apathetic parents who just go for the coffee and free WiFi."

Soft play centres have long been criticised for encouraging shiftless parents to dump their children in a free-for-all environment, whilst ineffective mothers and childminders chit-chat about nonsensical trivia and boast on social media.

Over 1000 parents contributed to the survey which concluded that 82% of parents would rather take their children on a weekend excursion with Islamic fundamentalists than spend an hour at Disneyland, Florida. And 71% of parents would rather their child took a skiing holiday with Michael Schumacher than visit a McDonald's restaurant.

Predatory father found taking pictures of his own daughter.

Father, Max Engels, 39, from Heanor, Debyshire, was discovered taking pictures of a his own daughter at a soft play centre called Dinky Dino's, only yards from where he resides. READ MORE...

Mother of three, Lisa Jenkins, 32, from Nottingham, said, "I couldn't believe what I was seeing. His daughter was happily playing in the ball pit when I caught a glimpse of her father rising from a table where he had been plotting the unspeakable act. He nonchalantly exposed his phone from his rear pocket and started to stalk his own flesh and blood. He held up the camera, deliberately waited for his daughter to smile, and then he took a photograph of her. I saw it all. It's disgusting. I bet he even puts her to bed, reads books out aloud, and sees her naked in the bath."

Lisa immediately informed the clueless staff.

Heather Wright, 19, with absolutely no idea about life whatsoever and should never be permitted to voice an opinion until she is at least thirty, has worked at Dinky Dino's for about a fortnight, said, "I immediately became suspicious that something wasn't quite right. He came in, paid for his daughter and then removed her coat and shoes. The alarm bells started ringing because he was a man...and not at work during the day."

"I confronted him and asked what he thought he was doing. He audacioulsy admitted it and said he 'does it all the time'...even when he takes her swimming!"

Mothers at soft play centres have been warned to look out for men who appear to be 'stay-at-home-dads', and stay vigilant for any male who appears to wholeheartedly love his children and have a keen interest in their development.

Alice Sumner, 22, mother of none, said, "What is the world coming to? They are everywhere now (dads) and they just walk into parks and play centres as if they own their children. They are like a bad drag act: obviously male but blatantly doing a woman's job very poorly."

There has been an increase in the number of father's taking a keen interest in their children since the late '50's, and it is now, more likely than ever, that a father will loathe softplay centres during the school holidays.

Big Bad Wolf now small, frail and affable.

I can think of better ways of spending a weekend in Boston than meeting a former predatory menace. READ MORE...

Dressed in a burgundy, polo-necked sweater, grey slacks and brown loafers, El Lobo sat crossed legged at a desk, in a Boston hotel room that smelled of rich mahogany and leatherbound books.

It was 2pm on a cold, Saturday afternoon in March. At nearly 7ft tall, his presence still casts an intimidating shadow. Gone is his snarl, the muscles and the dark shiny coat. As he stands, he moves slow; almost forgiving; crooked. His knees are weak, his eyes are dim and his hearing, like his bite, has lost all its sharpness.

At 72, El Lobo may have lost his brutal howl but beneath that grey exterior, beats the faint heart of a witty, penitent beast.

Sentenced for murder in 1964, for the murder of a woodcutter and a grandmother, El Lobo' s incarceration lastest 40 years of his life - time enough for reflection and an education.

"I found it hard to adapt." said a bespectacled El Lobo. "I started working in construction - an area I was familiar with upon leaving school - but the jibes quickly escalated into an unpleasantness. The Polish workers would taunt me by pretending to blow my newly laid bricks down, and they would offer me bacon sandwiches for breakfast. I had to leave it all behind and embark on a different career path. That's when I started painting with Jessie Wilcox Smith and became a vegetarian.

I asked El Lobo about the piglet accusations:

"It was all a lie. They confiscated my lap top computer for a while and found nothing but a few pictures of cured ham and a butcher's shop I once visited in Seville, with my parents, back in '56. There was some lean back bacon in the background and small piglets hanging by a hook, but nothing else."

"My biggest regret is probably not having children. They say that you haven't truly loved anything until you have kids. I generally saw children as an appetiser and never managed to settle down prior to my incarceration. I guess, things may have been different with a wife and kids. Who knows?"

Father forgets how to share after leaving business school.

A father of two has forgotten how to share after becoming an MBA graduate. READ MORE...

Matthew King, 38, from Nottingham, returned home after graduating from a two-year, full residential course, at Harvard University, Massachusetts, and now his family barely recognise him.

"Matthew was a very caring man who adored his family," said, Carol, his wife of 14 years. Now, he is a cold, hollow shell of a human being, who combines his MBA experience with his knowledge of Microsoft Excel to control the UK economy and manipulate people."

"The house is full of boxes. We have a delivery everyday, because Matthew believes he is an educated Del Trotter with a computer."

"He doesn't even talk the same. He uses words like 'outsourcing', 'inventory', and 'venture capital', and refers to the children as 'assets'. He used to read Asterix books and nursery rhymes to the kids...now he reads 'Atlas Shrugged', 'Guerilla Marketing' and 'Sage Instant Accounting'."

"He sleeps for only four hours a day and interviews the kids in a makeshift office, in the garden shed after school. If the kids have failed a task, he fires them like Alan Sugar."

"Sally, our youngest daughter, aged 6, made a Christmas card at school," continued an emotional Carol. "Mathew assessed it and told her that there was very little profit in her venture because her R&D (research and development) was very poor, with unlikely interest from an end user. It was just a Christmas card!"

Psychologist, "Professor Bernie Parr, from the university of Tottenham, said, "The brutal acknowledgment of an MBA veteran returning home is like witnessing a capitalist post-traumatic stress disorder. They think they are still out, fighting the financial workings of the world, believing that the endless hours of work will transcend them and allow broader choices in their lives. It doesn't work like that for most people. It's a myth created by politicians and billionaires. Only transcendent value can provide fulfilment and harmony in one's life."

"Having spent years interpreting the world through his family, with words, interaction and language, he has now witnessed the greed and power of numbers; business models, statistical tools and ignorance. He's in God's hands now." concluded Professor Parr.

"Daddy once told us we should share our things and be nice," said Luke King, aged 10, "now he asks us to determine the risk and consider profit margins. I have to sell my unwanted toys on eBay and consider marketing strategies for a fully optimised website, with relevant key words."

In 1960, five thousand MBAs graduated from American universities. In 2000, it was a hundred thousand. Where there is Capitalism, there is an MBA.

John Adams once said, 'There are two types of education. One should teach you how to make a living and the other how to live'.

Predictive text is ruining copywriter's professional reputation.

Copywriter, Sean Palabras, is adamant that his reputation is in tatters following a series of errors found in his work. He blames the predictive text system on his phone for his failed business and claims that he cannot switch it off and secure new clients. READ MORE...

Predictive text has faced criticism since its introduction in 1995, and is often perceived as an interfering, good-for-nothing piece of shit.

Sean has since embarked on reviving his career in America, where the English language isn't as important.

Speaking to Dignitas, Switzerland, he said, "I shall be taking a transsexual flight to New York, on thirsty, where spelling errors are considered less impotent."

Bob the Builder sacked.

Construction manager, Bob, 52, has been made redundant from his position after over 30 years in the industry. READ MORE...

The decision was made by greedy construction giant, Crapillion, on Tuesday night.

Crapillion CEO, Greg D. B'stard, said, "We are sorry we had to let Bob go but the whole system of private finance is now in question. We spent half the budget on the private sector and we can employ four-year-olds to drive JCBs cheaper than the cost of employing Bob and his diligent team of eastern Europeans."

Speaking to Al Jazeera news, Bob said, "I'm really p!$$*d off, to be honest. Crapillion handed £500 million to share holders while the pension black hole spiralled out of control. The debt-laden firm raised payouts to investors every year and it's us who get the chop."

"It's the 'lads' I feel sorry for. Patek, Paco, Paulo and Pavel are all living at the YMCA."

Uncertainty now hangs over Nottingham's new £750m bypass and a glamourous new hospital planned for Bulwell.

Bob concluded by saying, "The ripples of my departure will be felt by thousands of people. If they come knocking at by door next week, asking to borrow my extension lead for that job in Bingham, they can just jog on."

Bob is now considering a new career in the doomed retail sector... possibly at an American toy company founded in the late 40's.

Limahl will be a baby by 2024.

Limahl, born Christoper Hamill, 1958, is suffering from a rare condition similar to that of Benjamin Button, which will see him turn into a baby by 2024. READ MORE...

Dr. Lonnie Smith, from the University of St. Albans, said, "Limahl is suffering from a rare disease which, in its current form, makes him four-years-old."

Cliff Richard suffered from a similar condition until the death of Jimmy Savile, the grand wizard of paedophilia, in 2011. Savile put a drop of wizard's brew in Harry Webb's Martini, in 1958, when Webb was just 18, thus reversing the ageing process.

"We were all under the assumption that Pharrell Williams was also suffering from a reverse-ageing condition," continued Dr. Smith, "due to the fact that he is a middle-aged man with the countenance and demeanour of a twelve-year-old boy."

"It wasn't until Williams visited my clinic in 2016, where I concluded that he was a vampire, and instantly recommended a course of leeches. I made a reservation for him at a colony of Lycans where he will be given the opportunity of joining the Tory government, where he could stop benefits, lower life expectancy and thwart opportunities, all with the intention of sucking the life out of people."

Limahl, lead singer of Kajagoogoo in the 80's was 'too shy' to appear for an interview, and his 94 year-old mother has since taken him for a free nasal vaccination at a local clinic, in Surrey.

"If you live in somewhere like Greenland or England, get the hell out of there," said Ricardo.

"Snow and cold rain is nature's way of telling you to live somewhere else; move away from that s#!t."

"If you live in the northern hemisphere," continued Ricardo, "move your family through France and stop when you find stuff growing, like fruit and olives. If you can feel the warmth of the sun on your flesh, see colourful stuff growing on the ground, feel less melancholic, and leaves are on trees, you're in the right place."

It has often been said that the Tory government designed winter in 1602, with the intention of culling a lethargic, elderly population, and lowering the life expectancy of those who choose to sleep rough on the streets.

"Wherever you live, summer should last at least 10 months," concluded Ricardo. "It's utter lunancy for a community to exist in somewhere like Canada, where you can't go outside for the majority of the year without being encased in several layers of clothing, as if in preparation for an ancient burial or a nerve agent attack."

British pensioners now wear enough layers, and cover themselves in enough thick blankets, to deflect a bullet or knife attack.

98% of primates - carrying almost identical DNA to Man - live in the tropics.

Second-hand hair bobble market on its knees.

According to bobble trader, Tanya Humphreys, the second-hand bobble market is on its knees, and unlikely to make a recovery. READ MORE...

Tanya, 52, owner of 'The Bobble Bitch', in Hockley, Nottingham, blames girls between the ages of 2 and 12, who needlessly neglect to remember where they have put their bobbles after use.

"They (young girls) don't come home without their shoes or their Disney princess outfits. They have just got no respect for their hair bobbles," said Tanya, "I've seen them discarded in restaurants, schools, street corners, cake, canals, and at the bottom of kettles."

"And when their child can't recollect what they have done with the bobble, they don't come straight to 'The Bobble Bitch' anymore, they go straight to Asda or Tesco, to buy another, brand new pack."

There is currently a massive hair accessory movement and the bobble industry is estimated to be worth circa £3billion a year.

"The manufacturers can't keep up with the demand," concluded Humphreys. "It's like anything. We have become a throw-away culture and the hair bobble is no exception to that rule."

The average family in Egypt earns about £500 per annum, and the average family in the UK throws away circa £700's worth of food, every year - 4.2 tonnes (£13bn) - and the average four-year-old girl losses roughly 2 tonnes of hair bobbles a year...in the ball pit, at a soft play centre.

The solitary bobble, soiled, abandoned in the rain, alone and bereft, remains one of life's mysteries.

BBC 4 have planned to show a hair bobble documentary, this autumn, named 'Who am I? The story of a homeless bobble'. It captures the exponential downward spiral of a hair bobble, lost in a Nottinghamshire swimming pool.

Sledge pulling is a milestone in a child's life.

It has long been thought that the key milestones in a child's development are walking, talking, reading, writing, and mapping the floor of the Mariana Trench. READ MORE...

However, new research suggests that being able to pull one's own sledge is as important as being able to write computer code and build a firewall for a former employer.

Paediatrician, Dr. Beverely Allit, an expert in child behaviour, said, "If winter sets in hard, the last thing any parent wants is to be trudging through knee deep snow, head-on into a blizzard, continually pulling a four-year-old up a hill, only to meet him or her at the bottom to do it all over again, again, and again..."

"Sledge pulling is hard work," continued Allit, "and children are naturally selfish creatures who will sit back and enjoy the ride at the expense of making their parents suffer, all for the thrill of a steep icy decent."

"I can only recommend that parents just keep pushing their children and make them do things they don't want to do. It is not happiness that defines children, it is the pain and suffering that develops their mind."

Expectations for children is at the highest it has ever been. As soon as a child shows an interest in a subject, some parents will throw everything at them in an attempt for them to become the next superstar celebrity...who tragically finds their demise on a seat in rehab, due to the fact that the disillusion of self-gratification and materialistic fulfilment soon turns success into a miserable existence.

Dr. Allit has raised four children, the eldest being 32, and each one of them is still desperately trying to make reality endurable and satisfy their mother's unrealistic expectations.

Parents bankrupted by daughter's profuse party invitations.

A couple from Sneinton, Nottingham, have blamed an overflowing array of party invitations on their financial collapse.

Harold and Patricia Shipman have taken their daughter, Lily, 7, to 94 birthday parties within a year. READ MORE...

"It all began when Lily started school," said Harold, 49. There was one invitation a fortnight at first but, as soon as we got into November, 2016, we were overwhelmed with invites. Parents sent out relentless, blanket invites; each one appearing to be more flamboyant, extravagant, and more costly than the rest."

"We just couldn't keep up," said Mrs Shipman, 44. "Some of them, our daughter hadn't even heard of. One invite was for triplets! They wanted a present each!"

The average child now attends six events a fortnight, compared to six a year, in 1982. The average cost of a present at a six-year-old's birthday party is now £9.25, compared to absolutely f@#%-all, in 1978.

"We just feel obliged to attend, "continued, Mr. Shipman. "We all love to party and we just want the best for our daughter; to make her happy, even if it does mean buying another Disney princess costume for a nine-hour drive to a unicorn sanctuary with bouncy castles and a magical dolphin named Leo, in Aberdeen, on a miserable Sunday afternoon, in January."

The Shipmans lost everything last Tuesday, as the banks foreclosed on their house and took all worthy possessions. However, they have since said that their daughter is looking forward to another birthday party at a soft play centre, in Cardiff, where money will be borrowed from relatives to pay for travelling, a pointless gift, a colourful yet sanctimonious birthday card, and having to consider one-upmanship when their daughter has a subsequent birthday in June.

"I don't know what we will do for Lily's party," concluded Mrs Shipman. "We will have to put our heads together and come up with something extra special, like a trip for 38 friends to experience weightlessness on the edge of space, or a trip to see a professional cage fight in Rio De Janeiro."

"Or, alternatively, we could just say 'f@#% it', and throw a barbecue, if the weather permits."

Saudi women to suffer the indignity of bowling shoes.

Despite radical reforms by war criminal Mohammed bin Salman, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, woman will still have to suffer the indignity of bowling shoes. READ MORE...

Men have long been permitted to wear their own footwear, within reason, on the bowling alleys of Riyadh, however, woman will be expected to look even more ridiculous by wearing clown-like shoes with a full-length black Niqab.

Saudi Arabia loves nothing more than buying arms from the UK and bombing the shit out of civilians in Yemen.

Recent reforms have not only allowed women to grace bowling alleys for the first time, the young prince has also granted driving licences for competent females, books for reading, freedom to speak in public, and less lashes on bare feet for 'being too familiar' with one's husband.

In the midst of this programme of social reforms, more than 10,000 people have been killed by the crown prince's war crimes.

Despite the atrocities of war and Saudi society appearing rather archaic and oppressive in the eyes of westerners, the British Government and a pointless royal family will welcome prince Mohammed with smiles and open arms - no pun intended - whilst choosing to ignore the worst humanitarian disaster on earth...because Saudi Arabia is an economic ally.

UK is exempt from global warming.

The UK has been reclassified as a 'global warming-free zone', by ministers at a climate conference in Paris, yesterday. READ MORE...

Professor of Crap Weather at Oslo University, Jacques Henry-Dupont, 68, said, "It is apparent that the temperature of the planet is increasing at a rate of 2.5 degrees Celsius, every decade, except for the United Kingdom, where even Greenland now has warmer and longer summers."

"As ridiculous as it seems, global warming has no apparent effect on the grey, damp, depressing island of Britain," continued professor Henry-Dupont. "It will remain cold, wet, and as dark as death, even in August, as the rest of the world basks in a sub-tropical wonderland where grapes and olives continue to grow abundantly."

It is estimated that, by 2065, the only place on earth that will have a highly lucrative industry of bottled rain will be England.

Middle-aged non-smoker to consider vaping.

Brent Fume, 47, from Trowell, Nottingham, has expressed a desire to start vaping, despite never smoking a cigarette in his entire life. READ MORE...

"It just looks so cool," said Brent. "I can't think of anything better than sucking on a device that looks as if it belongs to a musician in a Star Wars film, whilst wallowing in a heavy, cinnamon-smelling cloud."

"If it doesn't cost as much as a packet of cigarettes and the manufacturers can confirm that it won't give me lung cancer or heart disease, I might just consider it," continued Brent.

The vaping scene continues to grow as it doesn't smell as hideous as cigarettes and some establishments permit indoor vaping, rather than having to inhale carcinogens in the freezing cold.

It is now estimated that the vaping industry will soon be as ludicrously profitable as the toy industry is for pets.

Quorn to turn everything into a meat substitute.

In an attempt to resolve the world's food crisis, Quorn have pledged to turn all food into a meat substitute by 2025. READ MORE...

The world is slowly being drained of all natural resources, and the gluttonous are clearly not helping matters. Half the world starves whilst the other half sits on its fat arse, eating fried chicken and horse.

"We all love the taste of something's flesh," said Alan Carne, a representative of Quorn owners, Monde Nissin Corporation, "and what better way to follow our abattoir instincts than to turn vegetables and pizza into Quorn."

"Children love burgers and pizza but hate the taste of broccoli and salad," continued Carne, "so our meat substitute is perfect for turning broccoli, fruit, salad, and other disgusting vegetables into a delicious animal-flavoured meal."

Lawrence Bousman, from The Good Food Association, said, "I think Quorn's intentions are well placed but I cannot understand why the alternative to meat has to be a bland tasting fungus, grown in sterile fermentation tanks. I'd rather eat my own buttocks before dining on that muck."

The latest opinion poll shows that most people would rather eat their own pets before introducing Quorn mince to the dinner table, regardless of how fast Mo Farah can run.

Car wash discovered without a Romanian worker.

A working car wash in Stapleford, Nottingham, has been discovered and it does not employ a Romanian or a single Eastern European. READ MORE...

Owner and multi-millionaire businessman, Warren Noir, 58, said, "It's merely a coincidence. We did have a Syrian worker who left to become a French diplomat, and we briefly employed a Polish student who only lasted a week before going on to find work as a linguistics expert."

"I find," continued Noir, "that the English are the only ones prepared to work for less than minimum wage. When a non-English speaking individual is looking for work, with no experience or qualifications, they are determined to hold out for a management position, rather than accepting the idea of poorly paid cheap labour."

"Whilst the British economy remains so strong and buoyant, it appears there are an abundance of well-paid opportunities for everyone, and UK life after Brexit has never been better," said Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson.

Antiques shop vows to sell overpriced s#i!.

An antiques shop, parading as a purveyor of aesthetically pleasing historical significance, has vowed to sell the same overpriced, insignificant s#i! as every other high street vintage stockist. READ MORE...

Antiques dealer, Marjorie Tidypants-Holmes, 52, from Sandiacre, Derbyshire, said, "We now live in an age where possessions have become far more important than life itself, and so we are determined to sell distasteful products to people with too much money."

Marjorie, who recently sold a set of weighing scales with scenes from a women's war camp in Korea on them, for £850.00, went on to say, "People will never be free whilst surrounding themselves with such clutter."

"These people are just viewing life from the inside, they aren't writing their own story, they are collecting the s#!t from the stories of others."

"I can sell an old wooden bucket for £3,000, if I can convince people that a mistress of Henry VIII took a p!$$ in it," added Marjorie. "These people just move into a cosy cottage, fill it will antiquities, and they think they are experiencing the very best of what life has to offer. In reality, they are just surviving like the rest of us, whilst paying a hefty premium to sit and look at other people's crap."

Amazonian tribe longing for 50 years' worth of 40-hour working weeks.

Members of an Amazonian tribe, who have had no contact with the outside world until October 2017, have said that they are longing to start a mundane and tediously stressful life, working in the UK....READ MORE

"We just can't wait to get started and clock-in, no later than one second past 9 a.m. in the morning, after an arduous journey of queing in rain-soaked traffic," said Murdoch, an elder of the tribe. "We have heard of your anxieties and depression because of a lack of appreciation for the finer things in life, and your struggles with a thing called materialism, gluttony and avarice."

From the depths of the Amazon rainforests, in Brazil, Murdoch and seven tribal members have claimed asylum after illegal loggers and cattle ranchers stole their land, similar to imperialists from Britain and the US in previous centuries.

"We lived in a thriving and healthy community, with baskets full of manioc, papaya and fresh wonders of nature. Our people live happily without the need for televisions or ipads. We spend our days hunting, gathering, socialising in small groups, and building our habitat whilst replenishing what nature has lovingly prepared."

When asked whether the tribe feared the immediate threat of European diseases, Murdoch said, through an interpretor, "From what I understand, as soon as we are gripped by the misery of western society, indocrinated into a five-day working week, and succumb to depression in the midst of a bleak British winter, we really won't give a damn whether we die or not."

Murdoch then went on to say that he and his tribe are unaware of obesity, heart disease, cancer, or the need to hang oneself before reaching 50, due to the pleasures of death outweighing the horrors of life.

Millennials confused by Hungry Hippos game.

Millennials are struggling to comprehend the rules for Hungry Hippos, according to a top gaming expert...READ MORE

Andrew Andrews, from Hasbro Games, said, "They just don't get it. Without an electronic counter, a female robot voice, links to a porn site, a social media frenzy, ipad interaction, or an app, they fail to understand what to do and who is the ultimate winner."

It is believed that a lack of web information and an additional yellow ball has completely ruined the concept of playing, especially for the under 30s.

"It's still a classic," said Andrews. "It's a marble-chomping, feeding-frenzy kinda game. But even I don't see the point of a yellow ball being introduced."

However, Hasbro hasn't given up on Genreation Y, and an online version is set to be released in August, 2025, to capture the hearts of hardcore gamers who prefer their entertainment spoonfed through a computer, whilst remaining lifeless from the waist down.

Gibsons Games is also considering releasing an online version of the 1973 board game, Escape from Colditz but, despite a cult following of circa 4 million, and its 'classic board game' status, they are still unable to find anyone who actually understood the rules of the original game, is willing to be the Nazis, and didn't argue with opponents within the first half-hour.

Bottled water is a joke.

Documents have been discovered at the site of the Holy Well, Malvern, England, where bottled water first began, in 1621. READ MORE...

The documents state that, in 1743, Dr John Wall analysed water from the site and concluded that the water 'contained no nutritional value whatsoever and was no safer than piss from a river rat'.

Dr. Wall shared this information with an American salesman, named Rango Jackson, who thought it would be funny to bottle the water and sell it to stupid people with more money than sense.

Taking the idea back to America, he marketed bottled water as being full of minerals and containing properties that could cure diseases such as cholera, anthrax, AIDS, and gout.

Soon, the idea caught on, the US sold more bottled water than alcohol and carbonated drinks, and Jackson couldn't bring himself to admit that he had hoodwinked the public who, at that time, were convinced that the water was useful and providing benefits for their wellbeing.

Until this day, people are still deceived by the myth of bottled water and, in 2008, Americans drank 8.6 billion gallons of bottled water and disposed of their PET plastic bottles in landfills, thus, making bottled water one of the longest standing and most profitable jokes ever made.

Four years later, Jackson embarked on yet another ambitious project and thought it would be a 'hoot' to convince people that they should buy Christmas presents for their pets.

Snow White still averse to apples.

It is believed that Snow White is living alone in a remote area of Norway, still in fear of poisonous apples. READ MORE...

Returning from a nearby mine, Doc, a vertically challenged individual, fears that Snow White has refused therapy following the poisoning incident which saw her vanity-obsessed stepmother convicted of attempted murder, in March, 1938.

"I've not seen Miss White for over 18 years now," said Doc. "I bumped into Grumpy about a fortnight ago, in the pit canteen. He reckons that she has posttraumatic stress disorder, and is suffering from the causes of an over-reactive adrenaline response which is creating deep, neurological patterns within her brain."

"Until therapy can target the problem, Miss White will forever live on a diet void of apples."

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can develop after a person is exposed to a traumatic event or a threat to life, such as step parents, crap fathers, Pot Noodle, or continued austerity in a country that favours tax breaks for the rich over a well-funded National Health Service.

Billions still not joining the Love Train.

"Despite the initial call, in 1972, there are still billions of people who haven't yet joined the Love Train," says former Thatcherite politician and journalist, Michael Portillo. READ MORE...

Entering the U.S. charts on the same day as the Paris Peace Accounts were signed, Kenny Gamble and Leon Huff of The O'Jays requested that countries from across the world, including England, China, Egypt, Israel, and the continent of Africa, all unify to join a train of love.

It has never been made clear what stations the train disembarks from - and this may be part of the reason why people are still caught up in violence, corruption, and armed conflicts around the world - but there really is no excuse for not seeking the train's destinations, in 2018.

"It's been 45 years since the song was released," continued the presenter of Great Continental Railway Journeys, "one would expect a bigger turnout."

"It's a deeper issue than one might believe," concluded Portillo, "peace isn't just about the absence of war."

Family member still disowned following premature consumption of After Eight.

Malcolm Lacecock, 52, has been disowned by his family since Boxing Day, following the consumption of an After Eight mint chocolate thin, at 6.15 in the evening. READ MORE...

"We'd all had a lovely meal," said his aunt, Dorothy Dovetoe," and Malcolm had to go and spoil it. We weren't even in our positions for the evening film."

The general etiquette surrounding the consumption of After Eight mints has been relaxed since the mid-nineties, but it is still expected that the chocolate mint thins are not opened until at least 7.30.

"It was just audacious and outrageous behaviour from someone who should've known better," said his mother, Vera. "In the 70's, he would've been executed for even suggesting that the chocolates be touched prior to one minute past eight."

To avoid further condemnation, Malcolm, from Trowell, Nottingham, noted, "I suggest not opening the box until at least 7.30. This will ensure that the whole family are unlikely to scoff the lot before 8.15."

Nottinghamshire constabulary are taking time out from being right-wing thugs and concentrating their efforts on an After Eight crackdown.

Malcolm Lacecock has since been interviewed by police and placed in custody until further notice.

A representive from Nestle said, "Since 1962, the recommended time for enjoying our delicious mint thins is 8.05 pm, and no sooner."

Tories to create Hunger Games society.

By 2020, Children from the poorest council estates in the country, between the ages of 12 and 18, will be expected to participate in a death match. READ MORE...

Labelling them the 'Austerity Games', in an attempt to cull the population of the poorest children in society, it will be a compulsory event from June, 2020.

Tory MP and occasional alcoholic, Anna Soubry, said, "It will be good for the economy. It will keep the numbers down and will prevent the government from having to use stealth measures to kill the population off, which are time consuming, costly, and require misleading rhetoric."

"This way, we can elimate dozens of children within an hour," continued Soubry.

Without government funding or assistance from a local MP, poor children will be expected to build their own weapons, educate themselves in the art of survival, and collect their last meal from a local food bank - pretty much like what they are already doing.

Children built more houses than David Cameron's housing plan.

Since 2014, Children between the ages of two and nine have built more houses than the flagship government housing plan. READ MORE...

Made from a variety of materials, such as cardboard, sponge, Lego, PlayDoh and Styrofoam, 158,000 starter homes were built between 2014 and August 2017.

In comparison, David Cameron's 2014 Starter Home Initiative, touted as "a major push" to assist first time buyers on the housing ladder, has failed to deliver a single home; nothing; zero; nada.

The government's failure on yet another promise not only signals the depth of Tory ineptitude but highlights how children and small primates are innately suited to running a country, opposed to a bunch of privately educated, millionaire sociopaths.

Doctor's receptionist makes correct diagnosis.

A Doctor's receptionist has correctly diagnosed a patient for the first time in recorded history.

Amy Bond, 52, a receptionist at a medical practice in Wollaton, Nottingham, correctly diagnosed a clammy gentleman with chest pains, shortness of breath, and a persistent taste of copper, as having a heart attack. READ MORE...

Amy took a call at 14.25, on Christmas Eve, from overweight Alan Newbury, 58, who had earlier participated in a drinking session with pals, in the city centre.

In an attempt to get the man off the phone and deny him access to a doctor, quick thinking Amy suggested that he visit his nearest Accident & Emergency centre, because she feared his heart might explode in the doctor's waiting room.

Coincidently, Alan took her advice and later collapsed and died of a massive heart attack, outside the QMC, Nottingham, kicking and writhing against the cold festive pavement.

Amy later said, "It just goes to show, sometimes, a doctor's receptionist can serve a purpose."

In 1981, a doctor's receptionist almost correctly diagnosed gout over the phone, but changed her mind at the last minute before passing the enquiry to a responsible individual with a medical degree.

Cold snap delayed MP's weekly wine delivery.

The recent weather conditions caused untold chaos for many over the past few days.

Power lines were pulled down by drifts of snow, roads were cut off due to compacted black ice, and many were left stranded without food or internet connection. READ MORE...

And just when you think it can't get any worse, spare a thought for the MP for Broxtowe, Nottinghamshire:

Bigoted MP for Broxtowe and casual alcoholic, Anna Soubry, was without her weekly case of wine for over 72 hours.

The case of wine, containing 12 bottles of Chilean Pinot Noir, ordered on-line from Gauntleys Fine Wines, in Nottingham, was expected on Saturday morning, to her home in Woodhouse Eves, Leicestershire, miles away from her constituency in a much lower-class area of Nottinghamshire.

Unfortunately, due to poor weather conditions, Anna didn't get her wine until Tuesday afternoon.

However, on a much lighter note, MPs in Northern Ireland got their wine, but the victims of Grenfell are still waiting to be housed, as the obvious signs of inequality become more apparent.

Meteorologists have warned to expect more crappy weather and austerity along the way, and Anna Soubry will manage to conceal her alcoholism and ignore correspondence from her constituents, as the government continues to stamp on the faces of the lower classes whilst providing tax breaks and opportunities for a privileged few.

Rats - "We are not P!$$ing on cans and bottles in the cellar."

A leading member of the rat community has vehemently denounced allegations that rats are continually urinating on cans and bottle tops. READ MORE...

Eduardo Rata, 38, who came to England on freight in the mid 80's, defended his community after a string of allegations have stirred in bars, restaurants, warehouses, and hotels.

"It's a common misconception," said Eduardo, "we don't piss on Coke cans, bottles of wine, laundry, or any other consumables."

The debate came to a head last Wednesday when a 72 year-old lady refused to drink from a glass that had come into close contact with a can of Coca Cola, at a working men's club, in the provincial town of Stapleford, Nottingham.

The old woman maintained that the can must have been laded with bodily fluids from a rat because 'that's what they do'.

Eduardo continued, "There are many misconceptions within British society; many overlooked because the public have been spoon-fed for generations with inane bullshit that suites a privileged few who control our lives."

"Until people decide to stand up and think for themselves, and use knowledge based on empirical evidence, rather than instantly believing what they read and hear on mass media, we will forever be condemned, and consequently suffer injustice at the hands of the racists, the bigots, the politicians, and those who manipulate our world."

Winter will last as long as the Daily Mail says so.

In the indocrinated mind of the Daily Mail reader, winter will last as long as the media says so.

Whether it be the longest winter since Narnia or the hottest summer since a Biblical burning, the bigoted mind of the Daily Mail reader will not accept any conditions beyond that of their favourite tabloid.

Instilling fear like a message from the apocalypse, the Daily Mail even has the money and power to predict death on the first of the month. READ MORE...

If we are to believe the Daily Mail, our country is at risk from disabled people, the unemployed, refugees unable to speak English, and penniless single mothers who are ready to overthrow a government full of privately educated billionaires who are heavily backed by wealthy multi-nationals and the mass media.

Perhaps when the winter chill has extended beyond June, the Daily Mail can write a column that condemns the Tory government, the bankers, and greedy, tax evading corporations.

Until then, we will just have to accept stories that relate to mediocrity and mass consumerism.

"Christmas No.1 was nothing more than an ATM to me," - Shakin' Stevens.

Shakin' Stevens (aka Shaky) has finally become outspoken regarding his 1985, Christmas No.1, '"Merry Christmas Everyone"', announcing that it was 'nothing more than an ATM' to him. READ MORE....

"The Christmas No.1 is where it is all at: the booze, the girls, the cocaine. I don't give a s#!t about that other stuff," continued Shaky, "you can burn the other songs for all I care. The Christmas No.1 has been the real ATM for me. Do you think I have any love for mediocre tracks about old houses and their shoddy green doors?"

The song is omnipresent; ubiquitous every year. It even entered the charts at No.17 last year. After the initial hit in '85, the Christmas classic re-emerged in 2007, at No. 22, and, since then, the song has remained in the charts ever since.

Love it or hate it, the song is with us forvever and, it just goes to show, everyone is prepared to tollerate a shit song at Christmas.

Shaky concluded by saying, "The song's success is indicative of the British public's opinion of a good song. I mean, 'The Power of Love' by 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood' was a far superior song and only spent a week on the top spot, despite having no reference to Christmas."

"As soon as I throw the word 'Christmas' in the mix, and release the track in late November after doing a video with my kids in the snow, idiots go out and buy the damn thing - it's drives me c-wazy, just thinking about it."

Gareth Southgate unconcerned that England will not win the World Cup.

Speaking to Match Weekly, this afternoon, England manager, Gareth Southgate, said, "It's inevitable that England will fail to get beyond the quarter finals and not win the World Cup in Russia, next July. And that isn't important. What is paramount is that the media build the hype, provide that anti-climax feel of disappointment, companies sell gallons of cheap lager, just before we get knocked-out on penalties by a team such as Senegal or Germany." READ MORE...

Ageing ex-professionals will now start pontificating about a game of millionaires and provide a sense of hope.

"Ultimately, all that matters is that we become disillusioned by the group," continued Southgate, "which includes much better players from Belgium, Panama and Tunisia, and the public is enthused by spending money in the shops, like the crazed consumers we are. It's great for the major sponsors, and nothing more. Give them bread and circus."

Public spending always increases during successful World Cup runs, which coincides with an increase in alcoholism and suicides amongst a group of men in their mid-forties, upon being knocked-out prematurely in the group stages.

Idiot enthused by target-driven sales role.

Julian Walvin, 27, from Nottingham, has openly admitted to yearning for a pressurised working environment, where he can be exploited with slogans and unachievable targets that serve no purpose and realistically hamper productivity....READ MORE

"I just love walking into meetings and constantly being reminded that my best efforts will never be good enough", said Julian, a call centre operative with Eon.

"It's just great being part of a team where everyone passively accepts that the goal posts will be moved each week, as our employer attempts to make us feel inept by providing manipulated evidence of our poor performances."

Julian, who is unfortunate enough to be one of millions who work in a call centre run by brainwashing corporate animals, obtained employment through a cancerous agency that regularly enjoys exploiting its workers by providing stressful, underpaid, insignificant roles.

Britain remains less productive than the rest of Europe, largely because Germany, Spain, Sweden, Denmark and France all fail to see the appeal of regular meetings about doing one's job.

Chancellor's budget provides ideal conditions for living in a cardboard box.

Philip Hammond broke manifesto pledges with his budget of utter complacency to enable first-time buyers to climb the property ladder and purchase a cardboard box....READ MORE

Any reduction in stamp duty is unlikely to make any difference, and consequently push house prices further into an unaffordable bracket.

Alcoholic and Tory MP for Broxtowe, Banana Souffle, said, "Once the ice caps melt, Britain will be flooded and the only survivors will be a wealthy elite of sociopaths and corporate arseholes, leaving lower-class children to drown in their filthy cardboard boxes."

"It's our plan to push the capitalist model to extreme measures," continued Hammond. "We have an obligation to delude the public and, when it's too late, everyone will finally realise that products aren't actually infinite, and the earth' s natural resources are gone forever."

Witch's cat still missing.

A witch's cat is still missing after a disastrous halloween.

Eliza Vaux, 47, from Leicester, first reported her cat missing on October 17th, a month tomorrow. READ MORE...

"Halloween just wasn't the same without him," said Vaux. "I know that most people see pets as an unnecessary luxury and for those who cannot find love within their own species, but Mog was special. He helped me with my spells; catching stuff and riding bareback on a broom; he watched me hex with my witches' brew, and he just had this cold countenance that frightened children away."

Eliza, who works part-time as a diplomat for the government, said that she couldn't concentrate and was unable to curse as many people as usual.

Ms. Vaux remains alone and bereft until Mog returns.

If anyone sees the cat, has information surrounding the disappearance, or considers owning a pet, Eliza Vaux requests that you consider asking yourself why you can invite an animal to live in your home but not someone else's child.

What will the house of the future look like?

In an uncertain Britain, with an inept Tory government, it is likely that the house of the future will be energy-efficient - with a complete lack of appliances - and its design will revolutionalise housing for the poor and the 300,000 homeless British people currently in situations of sleeping on the street, sofa-surfing, or living in temporary accommodation. READ MORE...

Speaking to 'More Magazine', The Rt Hon Brandon Lewis, said, "The properties will be entirely lacking in energy and so maintain an invisible carbon footprint. Made entirely from sustainable forests, by a company with an off-shore bank account, this unique and inexpensive project will show how the government is committed to the prolonged suffering of the working classes."

"It is an attempt to end the constant media speculation with regards to the collapse of social mobility, immigration, and the need for affordable housing. We are currently looking to build 400,000 wooden houses, with a pot to piss in, and nothing more."

"You could say, "continued Brandon, "we are expecting the homeless to live at the bottom of a metaphorical privileged garden in nothing more than a shed. There, they will know their place in a broken society, and they can continue the rest of their sorry lives, living like dogs."

Queen concerned that her great-grandchildren might not get on the property ladder.

Speaking to Duchy owned publication, 'The Poisonous Mushroom', earlier this week, the Queen has expressed grave concerns for the well-being of her great-grandchildren, during times of austerity, homelessness, and growing inequality. READ MORE...

Just like David Cameron - a distant relative of the Queen - she showed an unconvincing empathy for other people.

"I really don't know what to think," said the Queen, "with all this Brexit and knife crime."

"I sat with Philip the other evening, dining on quail eggs and badger's livers; sipping fine wines and children's tears, and I expressed a sadness for growing inequality at the hands of the super-rich. I happened to mention to my bigoted husband that it was unlikely Prince George and Princess Charlotte would be able to get on the property ladder... unless we invest £10million in a tax haven."

"You do these things for your children," said the Queen. "We are prepared to make that sacrifice. I just hope the great-grandchildren live to see it, and don't ever need to visit one of those awful accident and emergency wards, one hears about, in those dreadful, underfunded NHS hospitals."

And Her Majesty isn't the only one to show concerns. Lewis Hamilton, Bono, Brighthouse, Lord Ashley, and Manchester United football club, have also pledged to contribute to tax havens, in an attempt to help stem austerity measures and inequality.

Slaven Bilić working at autumn fair in Nottingham.

Sacked West Ham United manager, Slaven Bilić, 49, has applied for income support and now works in a temporary position as an assistant on a children's fairground ride, in Nottingham. READ MORE...

Bilić, who expected to be sacked as manager of West Ham United, yesterday, following a string of poor results that ended in a 4-1 thrashing at home to Liverpool, has since blamed Gary Lineker, the club's coach driver, Brexit, and the Tory government's economic policies, for his lack of employment offers.

Following Saturday's humiliating defeat, former England striker and regular gob-shite, Alan Shearer, said, "With the dictatorship of employment in the hands of a few agencies, Slaven is going to struggle to find anything less than zero-hour-contract work paying minimum wage. He'll find more success in Somalia than he will in Britain."

However, the former Croatian international is confident he can find work at the HMRC, as it is evident they need more hands in the 'tax avoidance' department.

Former England Captain, Steven Gerrard, has also, allegedly, offered Bilić a sales role within his ethanol fuel company, in Brazil.

Children's terror used to arose the witch of Margaret Thatcher.

Midnight tomorrow, the Tory cabinet will join Prince Philip, Prince Andrew, the Saudi royal family, and other paedophiles, aboard the royal yacht Britannia to cajole the Witch of Thatcher. READ MORE...

Prince Philip, who is in possession of a magical jar which contains the screams of millions of innocent children, and is kept below deck on the £120million royal yacht, will use his sorcery to arose the evil spirit of Margaret Thatcher.

Whether caught in civil war, ravaged by famine, physical and mental abuse, Tory austerity, or merely victims of past colonial slavery and modern day arms deals with Saudi Arabia, the screams have been accumulated over many years, and the deafening terror will be unleashed over the body of a sacrificed celebrity goat, in an attempt to witness the malevolent entity of the milk snatching witch that continues to guide the hand of Theresa May.

Speaking to 'Grease Enthusiast' magazine, yesterday, Boris Johnson said, "The taxpayer will be elated upon the realistion that spending a huge chunk of their money on a royal yacht is well worth the sacrifice."

The untold damage of Hurricane Ophelia.

When thinking of the devastation caused by a hurricane in developing countries, we often mislay the horrors of hurricane aftermath in countries such as Britain, Dubai, and Iceland. READ MORE...

The stress caused by the damage lingers in the subconscious and many suffer terrible anxieties at the mere thought of disrupted internet connection and half-empty Styrofoam cups blowing over in a gust.

As Hurricane Ophelia hit British land this week, reports flooded in of fallen shrubs, displaced patio furniture, and bird tables slammed into artificial turf.

Eamon Matthews, 38, from Exeter, who has amassed a lucrative portfolio, nearly lost a share certificate, and Robert Gilmore, father of two, ran 200 meters to retrieve a fiver, after it blew from his hand during a transaction for meat at an outdoor market, in Stoke-on-Trent.

The easternmost Atlantic hurricane on record swept over a koi carp pond in Croydon. Owners, Patrick and Maureen Ferguson, were not only left with a £38 bill for a damaged ornamental display but they fear for the mental wellbeing of their beloved fish. Speaking on behalf of her distraught carp enthusiast husband, Maureen told us, "We just don't know what is going on down there, beneath the lillies and the oxygenating pond plants. The fish could be crying for help and we wouldn't hear them over the buzz of the compressor on our new £900 LG American style fridge freezer, from John Lewis, with 600 litres of usable space."

Melissa Longton, 23, from Nottingham has turned to the generosity of the public to help. "I've set up a crowdfunding site to help raise money for a Starbucks decaffeinated skinny latte which blew over in the wind, as I sat beneath wrong coloured skies. It was like 1999 all over again, the sky was all purple and people were running everywhere."

We wish Melissa the best of luck with her funding and we sincerely hope she is able to raise enough funds to cover the cost of an additional vanilla fusion.

Tree receives first 'five stars' rating.

A tree within the grounds of Astley Hall, Chorley, Lancashire, has received the first five-star rating on TripAdvisor. READ MORE...

With top marks for cleanliness and hygiene, friendliness, reliability, and generally being aesthetically pleasing to squirrels and dogs, once again, the general public have proven that we live in an age where everything has to be assessed, reviewed, and rated, before we can step outside into the world and really live.

"The tree is particularly special," said local groundsman, Tom Lewis, "It has stood there for many years, unhindered by politics, Pot Noodle, or climate change, it looks good in all seasons - especially autumn - and dogs love to take a shit beneath it."

From 2047 reviews, the tree was rated 'excellent' for 'treeness' on 1081 occasions, and received nothing less than a 'good', with the overall satisfaction being no less than 91%, thus, making it a tree to be reckoned with.

Tom the groundmans went on to say, "The tree will soon become Britain's largest tourist attraction, finally dispelling the myth that people from abroad just visit this country to see a scrotum sack in a dress and her openly racist husband, Prince Phillip."

Blackpool photographer more traumatised than Kevin Carter.

Sitting in a greasy-spoon cafe, less than half-a-mile north of Blackpool tower, feature photographer, Gavin Garrow, 33, a gaunt, tense, passionate man, tells us how capturing local life on camera is more harrowing than witnessing starvation, apartheid, or napalm attacks. READ MORE...

"I have seen human beings at their worst," said Gavin. "I am haunted by the vivid memories of obese white men in Speedos, fleeing the sea to escape mutant cod."

"It's not just the homelessness, the addicts, ubiquitous pick-pockets, an endless stream of binge drinkers in the summer, and the confidence tricksters on every corner, it's the tourists, kids with blue ice cream and the brown sea. It's such an unattractive mix. Even sepia doesn't mask the ugliness of the human spirit."

Blackpool, a city built for fun and dumping plutonium, is now the drug and suicide capital of northern England. A huge favourite of Will Smith, lone gun runners and Chinese gamblers, at its glorious peak, in the late 70s, the crowded arcades and bustling alleyways, packed with impressionable teenagers, were famous haunts for Jimmy Savile, Graham Rix, and Stuart Hall.

Gavin concluded by saying, "Have you seen the Blackpool Eye? They are allowing the rust to eat it away, so people dont have to throw themselves off anymore."

"I'm really sorry. There is a famine in my heart and I'm aching to free it. The pain of life overrides the joy to the point that joy does not exist anymore."

British tourists spend two days a fortnight pointing at faded pictures of fried food.

The average British holidaymaker spends almost one hour a day searching for British-owned pubs selling all-you-can-eat breakfasts, while pointing at laminated photographs of egg and chips. READ MORE...

Tourists, John and Janet James, from Nottingham, recently returned from Tunisia and were disappointed by the lack of bland British food on offer.

"The lager was warm and the butter was horrible," said John. They don't even know how to make milk out there."

With a strong mix of French and Arab influences on the area, there is a diverse, mouth-watering range of cuisine offered by local vendors. There are fine wines and an abundance of elaborate delicacies, but John and his wife decided to spend several frustrating hours, each week, searching for Heinz beans, Best of Both bread, and ketchup.

"I'm not going back to eat that foreign muck," said Janet, "I'd settle for a nice lasagne and chips at Frank's Bar in Benidorm. Good old Frank knows how to use a chip pan. Just like the old days: when you sat waiting for the fire brigade with a warm pot of tea and a burnt scone, inhaling the aromas of burning lard, potatoes, and wooden work surfaces.

In a poll of over 3000 British tourists, the second most favourite pastime on holiday was getting pissed, closely followed by burning in the sun, fighting, and vomiting in a taverna.

Man sensationalizes his lunch again.

A 27-year-old I.T. consultant from Nottingham has sensationalized food again by posting pictures of his lunch on Instagram. READ MORE...

In a world where obesity rivals starvation, and Matilda Ramsay - daughter of Gordon - encourages a whole new generation of 'foodies', we have to ask ourselves, is this what is wrong with our world?

"This is just another sign of a Godless universe." said Richard Dawkins, author of 'The God Delusion'. "Cooking is one of the natural senses; we have been doing it since the discovery of flame. Why on earth we have to make celebrities out of these people I will never know. It's probably a sign that humanity is about to implode."

Upon being asked why he posted pictures of his lunch again, Robert Johann replied, "That's what people do these days, isn't it? We boast about gluttony."

Robert A. Ferman, author of 'Stop Calling Yourself a Foodie', said, "We need to stop this food experience bulls*** and just eat if we are hungry, and forget about it. Eating is a mundane experience; a convenience. The enjoyment comes from the social aspect of eating, not arranging it aesthetically and taking pictures of it. What must people think in developing countries when they see pictures of omelettes and toast displayed with artistic expression, and revered like ancient relics of civilization? It's embarrassing. Some people have to eat to survive while others just eat to sensationalize - ridiculous.

Fisherman tells true waterside tale.

Fisherman, Glenn Farah, 27, from Sandiacre, has informed close friends that his day fishing on the Erewash Canal, close to his Derbyshire home, resulted in a catch of two perch and a gudgeon. READ MORE...

"It was a real surprise," said close friend Scott Hammerby, 24. "He must be devastated after last week, when he bagged two marlin and a 600lb yellow fin tuna on 4lb line and a size '16' hook from the same spot."

"He just came into the pub with his tackle and announced a tragic day's fishing to everyone," continued Scott, a close friend of Glenn's for nearly 4 years. "I think he must have a lot on his plate at the moment, especially with his girlfriend, the Princess of Puerto Rico, having to go to their home in the Bahamas to fix his yacht after hurricane Irma."

Glenn's mother, Eva Farah, 58, said, "I know he's not been himself lately after he came back from the World Deathmatch Charity Challenge in North Korea, where he killed a descendant of Bruce Lee with a ninja star. I know he's also been lacking sleep because he has been helping Bill Gates and George Lucas with the plans for a mobile space station with power projection capabilities."

"I just don't know how he gets time for all this unpaid work with celebrity billionaires, Japanese assassins, and fishing with Robson Green, up until all hours, when he has to get up for his Tesco delivery job at 6am," said Glenn's confused mother.

F1 to adopt Wacky Races concept.

Speaking to Sky News this morning, FIA president, Jean Todt, has announced that, as of March 2019, the Formula One World Championship will consist of 11 different cars, 23 people and animals, plus three-time F1 champion and tax avoider, Lewis Hamilton. READ MORE...

"Lewis will compete as normal," said Todt, "starting in pole position and driving a top spec formula one racing car."

"The other racers will have complete autonomy to stop Lewis from winning by any means possible. They can smash into him at speeds of over 200mph, set fire to him, dynamite him, or even throw food at him."

"Lewis' main rival will be a well-spoken, moustache-twirling villain with a wheezy sidekick henchman-dog. Ferrari will then proceed to design a purple high-powered rocket car from Swedish parts, and conjure plans for the plucky duo to thwart any attempt for Lewis to win the race and stash his cash in an off-shore tax haven."

Jean Todt also went on to say that the F1 Championship had become nothing more than fast traffic and it needed more exciting racers to spruce up the event.

Other racers will include a group of midget gangsters, Red Max in a car/plane hybrid known as The Crimson Haybailer, and Nicole Scherzinger who will fly a Challenger 600 series Bombardier jet and hurl Andy Warhol paintings from the cabin, as Lewis attemps to complete a lap.

The British Grand Prix, which has become nothing more than a country fete masquerading as a worldwide event, will be moved from its current location and take place on the streets adjacent to Blackpool beach.

Rain enthusiasts flock to UK.

Direct from the campsites of Calais and Bilbao, rain enthusiasts from all over the world are flocking to enter Britain for its endless misery of sunless days and rain. READ MORE...

Speaking to 'Damp and Dark', a quarterly magazine packed with endless pages of British weather, Ahmad Ali Mahmoodzada, 21, from Afghanistan, said, "People coming from dry and arid climates, such as Afghanistan, Sudan and Syria just love British rain."

Alex Wek, a Sudanese luxury unemployed professional at a refugee camp in Bilboa, told us, "I just can't wait to get into Britain, stand in a queue at a food bank and get pissed on."

With the rain set to continue for many centuries, rain tourism is estimated to boost the economy to levels far beyond that of a Tory funded tax haven.

"If you think refugees are abandoning their homes and risking their lives for basic amenities and a propensity to survive, you are very much mistaken," continued Mr Mahmoodzada. "People are escaping beautiful tropical weather and daily onslaughts from Saudi-backed aerial attacks because they like rain, lake monsters, and bland microwaveable food. We want to end our days as morbidly obese, rain-soaked pensioners with chronic dementia, not young victims of British weapons manufacturers."

Tories take British summer and sell it to Saudi Arabia.

If you haven't already noticed, summer 2017 has gone. It doesn't sit just below the gulf stream or hovering somewhere over the Mediterranean, it's in the hands of Saudi Arabia. READ MORE...

Sources close to the Queen have said that, in order to punish the British public who can't afford a holiday this year, due to austerity, the Tory government have sold the British summer and moved all high pressure to the Middle East.

Speaking on Good Morning Britain, Boris Johnson denies all allegations of deals with Saudi Arabia and blames Jeremy Corbyn's cat for the crap summer.

The BBC will also concentrate its efforts on other insignificant news and avoid anything whereby the government could be culpable of misery.

Provincial town resembles the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse.

The provincial town of Stapleford in Nottingham has lost its 'thriving hub' status after being ravaged by depravity and the fictional undead. READ MORE...

Once considered the breadbasket of Nottinghamshire, Stapleford is now a husk of forgotten dreams and vaping stores.

Eight years ago, Stapleford held the balaclava edition of Victoria's Secret and the World Pub Fighting Deathmatch Championship, for charity.

Local MP and Tory bigot, Anna Soubry, said, "This is why I moved to Leicestershire. If those who unaccountably voted for me believed I was going to do anything to help the local economy, they have been deceived. I am just helping the government support a rich minority. My job is just to create a facade. I don't support local business, I just create an illusion whilst encouraging influential people to sell arms to ISIS-backed Saudi Arabia.

Local vagrant and former children's dentist, Arthur Campbell, said, "We were the epicentre of fun. The town was built on dreams and contaminated land. We had a yacht buliding circus, casinos, and a vending machine full of Pot Noodle."

"Things have changed slightly," said the 56 year-old former dentist, who needs a change of clothes and now smells like a Tory promise, "You can't buy food in Stapleford anymore, people walk five miles to collect water, and I have become consciously aware of a vague uneasiness around the place. I mean, you know things are bad when the local rock climbers are moving to Holland and swimming pool technicians are moving to Aleppo."

The town has since applied for planning permission for a giant enema kit to be fitted.

Werewolf union calls strike over moonless British nights.

The NUL (National Union of Lycanthropy) has called an 'all out strike' following a series of moonless nights over the past eighteen months. READ MORE...

Union leader Gerald Dandridge, 58, from Cornwall, said, "It's a common misconception that us werewolves can transform at the time of a full moon. The moon needs to be visible to the naked eye for this to happen, and there just haven't been enough clear nights for us to meet our kill quota."

Shapeshifters, witches, and tobacco companies have long been employed by governments as a natural cull against the ever-growing population.

When speaking to 'Standing Alone' magazine, Foreign Secretary and long standing advocate of werewolves' rights, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel, said, "The current quota of 10 kills a night has become untenable, and we hope for a quick resolution in order to get our 1,900 werewolves back out into the countryside, ravaging the lower classes."

Gerald Dandridge finished by saying, "Spanish and Italian werewolves have managed an average of 16 kills a month this year. We just can't compete with that when there is a constant envelope of cloud over the country."

In the meantime, the government has urged alcohol companies to continue its misleading cover-up of claims that alcohol causes cancer.

E.on winter bill considered more of a threat to humanity than North Korea & ISIS.

According to studies, British pensioners are more concerned with the threat of an E.on winter fuel bill than they are from a rogue nuclear attack or an ISIS execution. READ MORE...

A survey conducted to serve more than 4.000 over-sixties concluded that pensioners would rather be subjected to inland raids by Sudanese pirates than face the first quarterly E.on bill after winter.

Cecil Roberts, 74, from Carlton, Nottingham, said, "North Korea are just playing at being evil. They obviously haven't met a bigoted Tory or a winter gas bill from E.on."

When asked if there was a resonant fear factor from Islamic fundamentalists, Margaret Marley, 71, from East Hampshire, added, "I think being beheaded by ISIS would be far less painful than breaking one's hip on the ice and then returning home to read the latest demands of an E.on utility bill."

E.on refused to comment on any personal accounts but they have since pledged to continue their promise of confusing its customers beyond comprehension and misleading them into believing that energy companies are anything other than avaricious reapers who hold governments to ransom for the sake of its own sustenance.

A comparable survey in North America found that 82% of all pensioners regarded Donald Trump's inarticulate adolescent Tweets as the No.1 threat to humanity.

Middle-class family discovered on Skegness beach.

Residents and visitors to the area have reported sightings of a middle-class family of five enjoying themselves at the deprived east coast resort of Skegness. READ MORE...

Although unlikely, it is not unreasonable to assume that the family may have been lost 'en route' to another destination, or just simply lost their minds.

A local resident of the area claims to have seen them once before, and maintains the ludicrous idea that a family from Oxfordshire stayed in Skegness for longer than twenty-four hours.

Brian Maitland, 54, said, "I couldn't believe my eyes at first. There was a man in a tailored shirt and linen trousers speaking to his family without using a single expletive. His children were well-mannered and eloquent, and they sat on a posh blanket, eating food from a wicker picnic box. They ate quail eggs, kale and smoked ricotta pesto, and the three children ate fresh avocado houmous with winter berries and prosecco-flavoured hand cooked crisps. They also had a large dog named Tristan and they fed it quinoa and dog popcorn."

A local visitor to the area, Sue Bagshawe, 58, from Nottingham, said, "It's outrageous. Why are they here? They will cheapen the area and make it uncouth. Why aren't they skiing in Aspen or yachting around the Philippines? We don't want their sort destroying the ambience of Skegness with their politeness and positively affable approach to life. They didn't even drink lager and discard their waste on the beach. The children even refused to urinate in the sand and they weren't overweight."

The local authority have admitted that a feral, aesthetically pleasing family, with no clinically obese relatives, may have strayed into the area and casually dined on the beach.

Local MP, Edward Leigh, has publically apologised for the disruption and has promised to ensure that the authorities will strive to continue to make Skegness the shithole it has always been, until it is finally closed down with a disease from the sea.

Grown men continue to be overjoyed by prospect of millionaires kicking a ball.

Just like the idea of a country having a royal family, many people find the perpetual season of Premiership football completely unnecessary and repulsive, especially when it involves men who spend more money on a jacket than the average person spends on a new house. READ MORE...

Jonathan Johnson, 29, from Nottingham said, "I become so subdued during the three days of the year when football is inaccessible to the human eye. I drink more cheap lager than ever and I find myself searching trashy magazines in the hope of finding gossip about my favourite player's shallow girlfriend, who likes eyeliner and expensive yachts, but also has a very limited vocabulary and several wardrobes full of shoes......in each house."

Malcolm Dean, 48, from Mansfield didn't respond at all because he was still paying for last week's game on his credit card, and was so perplexed by a string of poorly placed bets on away-wins that he had become articulately numb.

"Malc expected Brighton to win away," said his lonely wife of 23 years. I was completely hoodwinked," said a tearful Trudy Dean, "he told me football was just a phase he was going through, not an ambition to waste his life on uneducated, narcissitic fools who earn more money than a continent. They demand adulation for something so insignificant, and my husband falls for it every year."

"And just when we think it's all over, we have the horror of England's disappointment in the Euros and a World Cup song to motivate lager enthusiasts," continued Trudy.

Mother and daughter found plotting to rebuild

their lives without him.

A father discovered his wife and daughter in a 'selfie liaison' - something now considered worse than 'de-friending' on Facebook; similar to launching missiles across Japan, and a deliberate threat of divorce - and he holds no hope of a reconciliation. READ MORE...

The father of one said, "I just couldn't believe it when I saw the phone angled to snap a selfie. From that moment on, I knew I had been abandoned like a Saturday night kebab on a landfill site next to a Sinclair C5."

A week later, the father secretly knows homelessness is an inevitable chapter.

Barbecue lights itself in contempt for British summer.

A barbecue from Nottingham has decided to light itself in a defiant stand against the crap British weather.

"I've only been lit twice this year, and that was in the same week," said the barbecue. "My cousins in southern Europe are lit all the time throughout summer." READ MORE...

The liberated barbecue threw off its lid in a rain-soaked temper, grabbed a bag of charcoal, some flammable liquid, and just lit a match.

"There's no food to place upon me," continued the Barbecue," I'm just liberating myself. I'm not waiting another nine months to feel some warmth on my grill; it's ridiculous."

Next week, the River Trent empties itself in an attempt to replicate the drought of 1976.

Despondent Dyson discouraged by manufacturer's suction promise.

"I'm not going to lie to you," said the 19-year-old upright Dyson, "sometimes I wish I was landfill." READ MORE...

"The huge expectations of not losing suction is weighing heavily on my mind. The Maker's promise has been resonating for nearly two decades now, and the pressure is immense."

There have currently been no reports of Dyson cleaners losing suction, but help groups across the country have been inundated with depressed appliances complaining of anxiety related issues and threatening to purposely malfunction.

Cecil Johnson, from 'Anxiously Compliant' blames society and the pressures of austerity:-

"Owners can't afford new appliances," said Cecil, "and so the pressure is on to conform to the 'no loss of suction' promise and keep performing beyond expected levels."

The owners, who still refer to their Dyson as a Hoover, have said that they are sad to hear that the Dyson is melancholic but they are more than satisfied with the Dyson's longevity and its continued performance. "We had no idea. It's been great value for money," said the owner from Nottingham, "we have no plans to dispose of it yet."

The Dyson concluded by saying, "It's difficult for humans to understand. You guys can resist the system to some degree and recreate cultures; we can't rebel. Humans are workers when they are at work, and consumers when at home. We are simply workers at home and nothing else."

"Beneath the stairs, the sky looks dead," continued the poetic crestfallen Dyson from last century, "call my name through the dream and you'll hear me scream. Times are gone for honest men and far too long for Dyson. I need to wash away my rain. I'm walking through a sleep and my youth I no longer wish to keep."

Last Thursday, a Maytag washing machine drowned itself in its own Calgon-infused fabric softener, thus providing work for scrap metal merchants who continually plague homeowners in their white rattle vans.

Bus passengers surprised by absence of marijuana stench.

Passengers on the No.15, Ilkeston to Long Eaton, Trent Barton bus, were surprised to board public transport yesterday and not be hit by an objectionable stench of stale marijuana. READ MORE...

"If it's not the smell of the Devil's lettuce clinging to a damp Stone Island jacket, it's the smell of some drunk wallowing in his own urine," said Mary Evans, from Trowell.

"I found the smell rather offensive for the first couple of years, but now I've grown accustomed to it," said Harvey Wilson, 68, from Stoke.

Trent Barton have refused to comment on the specifics of the journey, but they are largely optimistic that the stench will return for the summer holidays. However, Nottingham City Council have confirmed that their bus service will continue with uninterrupted smells of alcohol and illegal substances.

Fairies hit by food bank crisis.

Speaking to the Daily Mail on Monday evening, Queen Fairy of Little Eaton explained how the drop in the retail price of children's teeth and the cost of utilities are forcing many fairy families to rely on tiny food banks to feed their tiny bellies. READ MORE...

"We are generally reknowned for our frugality and self-sufficiency," said Queen Fairy, "but austerity and the fluctuation of children's teeth has meant tough negotiations with our suppliers and mass redundancies."

With the expectation of further hardship after Brexit, Queen Fairy remained optimistic in the face of adversity.

"We have now fitted solar panels around all toadstools and demanded agrarian reforms with regards to formerly privatised orange blossom trees. We have expanded land for allotments and employed Zips - tiny fairies with spears - as training managers for growing organic produce in bulk. We are using wind and water power wherever possible and cutting back on the number Wisps following an end to a lengthy price freeze in 2016."

Queen Fairy has also sold a number of assets, including musical instruments, bells, disused oak trees, a luxury yacht, several koi carp ponds, and a Range Rover with a personal Selkie chauffeur.

"Parents are still demanding high prices for their spoiled children's teeth and, consequently, we are left with a huge deficit because we cannot sell the teeth on quick enough due to price wars between China and the DRC," concluded the Queen Fairy.

Bingo night at social club seemed like longest night of barman's life.

Barman, Noah Arkwright, 23, from Sandiacre, Derbyshire, was trapped in four hours of bingo misery during his first Sunday night shift. READ MORE...

"They should've warned me," said Noah. "I lost all purpose for four hours. It seemed like an eternity in there with their word-associated system of numbers and the chanting for 'lines' and 'full houses'. I could see pensioners frantically dobbing with specially designed marker pens, working with three and four lists of numbers at a time. I felt so nauseous."

Psychologist, Dr. Beverly Graeber, said, "This type of environment can have a devastating effect on the mind. It could be detrimental to Noah's social development as he is likely to feel socially awkward and even possibly become a total recluse by the age of 30."

"If he continues to witness prolonged bingo for the next year or so, he will most likely suffer from slow language development and face a mental deprivation syndrome that will leave him permanently socially disabled," continued Dr. Graeber.

Studies have shown that when monkeys are exposed to over eight hours of continual, uninterupted, social club bingo, they are unable to properly interact with other primates, often becoming subdued and showing signs of suicidal tendencies.

When 50 beagles were forced to smoke Park Drive cigarettes and watch bingo for a week, in 1974, it soon became apparent that bingo was far more detrimental to their health than 4,000 Park Drive.

Noah has since struggled to socially connect with his girlfriend and he doesn't believe he can return to a social club bingo night until he has received a full psychological evaluation.

Dr. Graeber concluded by saying, "After four hours of bingo, Noah will suffer the same post-traumatic stress as a young soldier leaving an armed conflict, not dissimilar to the young men returning from the Vietnam war."

Shopping with parents is like tooth extraction.

Whether food shopping in Morrisons or looking at racks and shelves in River Island with Mum, children are suffering, often unnecessarily, on a daily basis.

Children's dentist and advocate of animal cruelty, Richard Dawkins, said, "When a child is walking around IKEA for an hour, it suffers the equivalent pain of tooth extraction without an anaesthetic. It really is emotionally stressful and something that remains in the subconscious mind throughout adulthood." READ MORE...

"Fathers generally have an ability to empathise with the child, as they suffer similarly when accompanying one's wife to scour the face of the earth in search of accessories that match a new hand bag," continued Dawkins.

A recent survey concluded that 99.9% of men would rather face an ISIS execution than spend four hours clothes shopping with the wife.

Debilitating mental illness for stay-at-home-dads on the increase.

The recently discovered Daughterdaditis virus, which affects the mental capacity of men over 30 who spend all day, everyday, with a young daughter, is rapidly spreading and has seen dramatic increases. READ MORE...

It is believed that the continual exposure to Disney Princess stories, dancing, dressing-up in costumes, makeup mayhem, the daily shoe raid on Mum's wardrobe, and fairy stories that incorporate fathers to act out the role of a disabled Prince who regularly transforms himself into a unicorn, is driving men insane and vulnerable to the deadly virus.

Dr. Anthony Bunda, from the Saxon Cross surgery in Stapleford, Nottingham, said, "We are having to extend our surgery into the early hours and request the assistance from mental health operatives, as severely fatigued men are unable to even use the lift to the first floor, because the virus attacks the brain and informs all muscles to stop working until the daughter starts full-time education."

Amos Brearly, 47, from Nottingham, said, "I've had the virus for three years now and I regularly have to hook-up to a Jack Daniels' intravenous drip when my daughter has gone to sleep at night. I cannot remember what day it is; I am always drained of energy, finances, and employment credibility. I have lost the ability to think and I am often unable to hold a conversation for more than 8 minutes a day."

"The recent phenomenon of the 'stay-at-home-dad' culture and the extortionate childcare costs are to blame," continued Dr. Bunda, "however, women have been afflicted with the condition since time began, losing an average 30% of their income after 4 years, but this, like slavery, has remained inconspicuous for centuries because those in power are quite happy for the routine to continue until someone stands up and demands abolition of it."

We contacted local Conservative MP and bigot, Banana Souffle, at her Leicestershire residence, miles away from her constituents in Broxtowe, but she remained defiant and unconcerned because the problem doesn't further her career or trouble millionaires. However, she will allow her constituents to pay for a wreath.

'Love Island' contestant surprised to discover that charisma and intelligence can both be attractive features.

A female contestant on itv2's 'Love Island' was shocked to hear that some men find charismatic personalities and intelligence appealing, when looking for a long-term relationship. READ MORE...

Gabby, 27, from Nottingham, who has spent £9,000.00 on cosmetic surgery, boasts that her longest relationship lasted a whole weekend, last April. She is still sceptical and determined to continue to be the same superficial, shallow-minded bitch she has always been.

"I just can't believe It," screeched Gabby, who is more affectionately known as Gabb-eh. "Next you'll be telling me that cigarettes and ashtrays aren't attractive either."

Three-year-old becomes world's youngest ever permanent holidaymaker.

A three-year old girl from Nottingham will become the youngest individual to permanently remain on Holiday, just weeks after returning from two weeks in Menorca, Spain. ...READ MORE

Aoibheann Williams, 3, has decided to turn her back on mainstream society after telling her parents that she desires nothing more in life than to stay on holiday, forever.

As from next week, Aoibheann will live on an all-inclusive resort in Barbados until she grows tired of sun, complex entertainment, fresh fruit, bottled water, daily spa treatments, swimming in the sea, and white sandy beaches.

"After returning from holiday, I couldn't envisage anything worse than living like Mum and Dad for the next sixty years," she told us. "Returning to the UK made me feel this way. The holiday experience flooded my veins; the element of freedom is everything. It calls to me like childhood laughter; like tears before a happy ending. Life in England doesn't expand my horizons enough and allow me to bounce from coast to coast in ecstasy. Being on holiday in the sun is the pinnacle of happiness that fills the soul; the roof of experience; the most basic of elements."

"I have seen the glitter of life," Aoibheann continued, "I will cradle the inspiration and feed on the nourishment of life. I will move like this until I have perfected my soul."

It will be a whole new world and a fantastic point of view for the youngster who would otherwise be forced to embrace the same fateful mediocrity as the rest of us.

Aoibbeann is the youngest of her kind since German youngster, Fritz Stoltenberg, left home at the age of 8, in 1980, and has lived permanently in Morocco for thrity-seven years. He is now fluent in fifteen different languages, has developed his own photography business supplying work for National Geographic; paints landscapes like a renaissance specialist, and has published poetry in nine different languages, including Aramaic and Wolof. It is also believed he is getting younger due to a lack of stress and crap weather.

Parents from Nottinghamshire are resigned to the fact that their daughter's ill behaviour and stubborn, precocious verbal retortion is largely due to her exposure to grime and rap music...READ MORE

Grime, a genre of music which emerged in London at the turn of the century, draws its influence from the likes of dance hall and ragga, and has become hugely popular with acts such as Dizzie Rascal, Lethal Bizzle and, more recently, J Hus and Stormzy.

Human rights lawyer, Vernon Hall-Preston, 47, said, "Our daughter has changed dramatically within the last six months. Her vocabulary has increased to an unprecedented level and communicating with her on a daily basis has become intolerable for her mother and I."

"She insists on wearing sportswear and hanging around deprived urban areas on rainy days," continued Mr Hall-Preston. "When we try to converse with her, she looks at us with contempt and talks with a rapid cockney accent in syncopated breakbeats."

The five-year old girl named Alice is also making life difficult for herself at school. When her teachers ask her mundane questions, such as the number of new friends she has recently made, she replies in an unorthodox rhythm and replies, 'There are 25 in my posse; they drink Baileys and I drink Voss-e'.

Alice's teacher, Mary Stanthorpe 58, said, "Alice's linguistics in the class are conflicting with her indoctrination. We should be nurturing this talent but we will continue to punish her with a mind-numbing curriculum until she is ready for retail and hard industry. It's all very frustrating. Alice looked hot in class the other day, so I asked if she would like a drink of water, and she replied, 'Told the bouncer get the water; man in the kitchen taking the order; you ain't gonna lock up this daughter; splash me with holy water'. I simply didn't know how to reply to that."

Alice, who has an obsession with black Mercedes Benz and the off-licence, caused a major concern for the authorities in May when her house was raided by the Police, following a tip-off from her piano tutor, Duncan Saunders, who was told by Alice, 'See what I done; came in a black Benz and left in a white one; my Dad's too hot; got drug money in a shoebox'.

Duncan Saunders, said, "Alice is an exceptional student but her reluctance to leave out lyrics to the classics is restricting her progress."

Upon interviewing Alice, she went on to tell us in no uncertain terms, "I'm largely misunderstood, I'm just another girl from the neighbourhood; a rapping addict; pulled up in traffic; me and my friends switched cars and it looked like magic; they had never seen such a skinny girl in a puffer jacket. It seemed so unfamiliar, like a awkward body builder."

Her father was later released without being charged for selling drugs and stealing cars. We couldn't get hold of her mother; her name is Samantha; we saw her on camera, she mixed the gentle mood with banter, and her husband is a calm lawyer but dresses like a marijuana farmer.

Ambitious sandcastle design thwarted by three-year-old.

A middle-age man's lifelong dream of appearing on Channel 4's pretentious Grand Designs programme hangs in the balance this morning, as the project has taken a major setback. READ MORE...

With a budget of just under a tenner (€11.50), the sandcastle was set to feature steps, a moat with a natural flow from the sea, and a tunnelling system not dissimilar to that of the Channel Tunnel.

Its architect, Larry Bass, 48, from Nottingham, is the brains behind the project and he now fears a lack of continual funding could hamper his dream of appearing alongside Kevin McCloud on Wednesday night's episode.

"It's a nightmare," said an emotional Mr. Bass, "I just can't believe it. My brother has already lent me a fiver and the bank have stopped all correspondence following an alcohol-fuelled altercation last Wednesday."

Mr Bass is still desperately trying to determine the reason behind his daughter's act of heartless vandalism and he is vehemently reluctant to involve local law enforcement. He has also threatened her with a prolonged suspension of all ice cream consumption until further notice.

Kevin McCloud was too upset to comment but a Channel 4 executive has expressed sympathy on behalf of the network, and assures viewers that there will be an alternative episode scheduled with more pretentious, tax dodging t***s who claim poverty despite finding £250,000 down the back of the sofa to fund an over-elaborated koi carp pond.

Speaking from the bar at an all-inclusive resort with nasty local alcohol, a disconcerted Mr Bass concluded by saying, "I don't know if I've got another sandcastle in me. It was quite spontaneous and yet wildly ambitious. I was even considering transporting locally sourced weeds from the side of the beach to provide the appearance of trees. My daughter has a lot of explaining to do.

Every sunny day 'too hot for me' says puffer jacket-clad pensioner.

A survey conducted between 1987 and 2016 concluded that every sunny day in the UK, between March and September, was too hot for Britain's over-sixties. READ MORE...

Four-thousand pensioners were involved in the 'People's Friend Magazine' study, and the words 'Ooow, this is too hot for me' were spontaneously uttered on no less than 37 million occasions.

Malcolm Marshall, from the OAP Office of Studies and Statistics, said, "We recently saw temperatures hit 90 degrees Fahrenheit in some parts of the country and these conditions were perfect for encouraging pensioners to leave their homes to wander the streets in hats, scarves, and padded jackets, to incessantly complain about the sun and the heat it generously exudes at this time of year."

The study also deduced that, whilst a beautiful balmy day in April could be considered 'too hot', when the temperature dipped to anything below 15 degrees Celsius, the pensioners then proceeded to verbally bash the evening chill and bemoan the price of utilities, despite using blankets thick enough to deflect a bullet.

"In our early years we feel obliged to be happy and enjoy hot, sunny weather," continued Malc Marshall, "but it soon becomes apparent that upon reaching our twilight years we become liberated by an innate misery and bitter discontent."

The thirty-year study also discovered that when a pensioner was confronted with an inquisitive youngster the most common phrase used was, 'You'll be old too one day'. And the most popular retort to the pensioners was, 'Yes, but you won't be here to see it'.

'Foam Party' to be added to school curriculum.

As from September this year, The Holgate Academy in Hucknall, Nottinghamshire, will introduce foam parties into its curriculum in an attempt to engage with its pupils. READ MORE...

Speaking to Socialist Worker magazine this week, Head Principal, Rosie Holmes, said, "The days of 40 kids in a class listening to dull, unapproachable, disengaged teachers, reciting pointless facts that possess no value in the real world are gone."

Prior to 1994, the school has a history of teaching its children absolutely nothing of any considerable worth and later admitted to just 'going through the motions' in an attempt to prepare its children for 'mundane occupations in an industrial environment'.

"We have a huge obligation to nurture the innate qualities of each individual pupil and ensure they leave this school being the best they can be," added Principal Holmes, "even if it means taking two hours a week to throw an awesome party to boost moral, social aspects of their character, and aid creativity and free expression."

The school has also offered to pay compensation to its former pupils who attended the school between 1975 and 1995, because the teaching staff were so s*** and apathetic towards the needs of its pupils.

DJ Norman Cook, a.k.a. Fatboy Slim, has openly agreed to host the first party this September for free - crap UK weather permitting - because he is a drunk with far too much money who keeps cancelling his commitments because he can't keep off the sauce.

Free-thinking bohemian trapped in all-inclusive resort.

An artist who lives an unconventional lifestyle amongst like-minded people in Oviedo, Spain, found himself trapped in an all-inclusive resort for a fortnight.

"It was a f#@€!n' nightmare," said the 38-year-old, originally from Nottingham. I didn't even have my guitar or any writing materials with me."

Cameron, who managed to escape the madness of mainstream society in 2004, usually spends his days with friends, expressing creativity, reading poetry, eating tapas, and playing the acoustic guitar in small, intimate bars. READ MORE...

"It was like a magnet to the gluttonous," continued Cameron, "these people never stop eating and quaffing vast amounts of cheap lager."

All inclusive resorts have long been associated with carvery enthusiasts, all-you-can-eat breakfasts, and casual alcoholics. However, the implementation of parks, water slides, and a kids' club facility, aids the requirement for irresponsible parents to drag their unwanted children along.

"There were little people everwhere; like emotionally expressive wasps. I couldn't think. I tried to sit in the shade to read the work of Pablo Neruda, but my subconscious was converged with screaming children and verbal lashings from their intoxicated parents."

Since escaping the resort, Cameron has been found living frugally with hippies in Formentera.

Father dresses daughter as a nomadic nun in an attempt to encourage asceticism.

A father from a dank, disregarded region of Nottinghamshire frequently dresses his daughter in the accoutrements of a gypsy nun, in an attempt to encourage life-long celibacy and a disdain for materialism. READ MORE...

Speaking from his yacht in the Bahamas, billionaire socialist and father of one, Noah McWilliams, 58, said, "It's not just about a vow of poverty, chastity and obedience, it's more spiritual than that. She will be what she will be, and not always what she desires to be. You are what you are and nothing else."

The last thing most parents want is for their child to abandon mainstream society and live in poverty after school. However, Mr McWilliams has a different outlook on life.

"I've tried life, it's overrated. There is a lot to be said for a contemplative and cloistered life of meditation. When the smoke clears, the alternatives emerge and you can finally see what we are made of. It's about serving all living beings and preparing to aid ill, needy and uneducated people. Our existence is beneath the wrath of a tenuous group of desperate beings, clinging to power with a propensity to control. The life of a nomadic nun is the only way out for my daughter."

Mr McWiliams concluded by saying, "My daughter can either find the jewel of solace within a charm of misery or she can find temporary nourishment from the racks and shelves of House and Fraser, following the slow indoctrination of a business school diploma. Sustaining the off-shore bank account of a greedy sociopath will say nothing about her life, whilst sustaining the life of those in need will say everything."

Fridge cannot take anymore crap artwork.

A defiant fridge has spoken out following the twelfth piece of crap artwork within a month.

"I blame the parents," said the Siemens fridge-freezer," they have no taste. They just keep encouraging that poor child to produce more of the same rubbish. It's like a bad dream that won't go away; like the Tory party." READ MORE...

"Since the child started pre-school, I get regular additions," continued the fridge. "I'm covered like a Jackson Pollock, from head to freezer feet."

The three-year-old daughter denies the art attack and claims the work belongs to her father. "Give me some credit," she said, "I'm three-years old. That stuff is positively awful. It must be my Dad's shopping list that he's coloured in with my crayons."

Daughter fights with a bottle of wine for her father's affections.

"It follows us everywhere," said the three-year-old from Nottingham. "It comes to the park, sits on the bus with us, goes for a bike ride, he kisses it, and he drinks its offerings in public. How can I compete with a bottle of 2013 Argentine Pinot Noir, from the Noir Valley, in Patagonia? The conditions are perfect for the delicate grape; it's a very respectable example." READ MORE...

Wine enthusiast and occasional alcoholic, Billy Williams, 48, said of his daughter, "It's just a phase she's going through. All kids do it. She uses pictures of me to hide alcohol stains on the wall, and conceals bottles in the ceiling. She'll get over it."

Billy is adamant that his wine hobby is not getting between him and his daughter. He concluded by saying, "A good bottle of Chacra, Barda Pinot Noir, can be purchased for circa £16.95, and is available from the M&S wine collection."

Man regrets showcasing his cabinet of poison.

During an afternoon barbecue that extended well into the early hours - and unaccountably into an area of the house with a secret drinks cabinet - James Ballard, 34, from Nottingham, decided to use his collection of wines and spirits as an exhibit for his unique and expensive taste in alcoholic beverages. READ MORE...

"I'd already had a few too many," said James, "and it all went horribly wrong. I expected my guests to accept my generous offerings without question. Instead, they suggested that I join them with each and every onslaught of 'knocking back shots'. Like a fool, I matched each and every one of them; drink-for-drink. I marched on through the night and, the next thing I knew, I was alive and well and living in Droitwich."

God only knows how much James had to drink before the hospital staff pumped his stomach clear of toxins. One thing is clearer than ever though: an alcoholic's corpse must be paraded before any party where alcohol is available, and all bottles of Absinthe must contain the words 'Drink Responsibly', within the small print.

A member of the catering staff at the QMC, Nottingham, said, "We see this sort of thing all the time in summer....spring, autumn, and at Christmas time. It's just showing-off. We had one guy who tried to showcase his new Segway, after drinking a bottle of Tequila. He fell into a ravine in Lenton and the Segway was quite beaten up."

Fortunately, only humans were harmed at the party.

Smoking shelter can be seen from space.

A smoking shelter at a social club in the East Midlands is so large that it can be viewed from space. READ MORE...

When we think of large, man-made structures we envisage high-rise buildings, walls or bridges, not a smoking shelter made from wood.

La Molina Vieja Club, on the side of the Erewash River, on the Nottinghamshire/Derbyshire border, is home to the largest smoking shelter in the world.

It can accommodate 3000 smokers at a time, and when all smokers have lit-up, the area is brighter than Belgium at night.

Sub-committee leader, Sir Norris Chesterton,106, said, "It's an honour to receive such an accolade. Smoking is such a big part of the social club culture but it has seen a dramatic decline over the last decade, especially amongst the younger generation. We thought it would be a good idea to revive the nicotine spirit by constructing a large shelter where the older members can share carcinogens and denounce the non-smokers behind their backs."

The shelter, which dates back to over 2000 BC, is believed to have been used by ancient Aztecs as a sacrificial shed and then, more recently, by Nazis who used its powers to navigate by the stars.

"Hopefully," said Norris, "this type of awareness can deflect some of the bad press surrounding smoking and the unsubstantiated claims of cancer, heart disease, death, and other false medical-related stories."

Nottingham soap company sacrificed staff for human body fat.

An investigation has been launched following the discovery of human remains in a bar of Cussons 'Imperial Russian Leather'. READ MORE...

The Cussons plant in Nottingham was closed in 2005, after hitting problems with the Russian court.

Recovering alcoholic and former night-shift supervisor, Doug Zochonis, said, "In 2004, the share price slumped 3% to £13.78. It was decided that we had to take drastic measures to ensure the product could compete overseas. The decision was then made to take 40 members of staff and offer them redundancy or death. 39 of them declined the offer, and so a group of us took it upon ourselves to liberate them at random."

"It just so happened that the top earners and the CEOs all had the highest body mass index, and so supported the most Triglyceride whilst providing economic relief upon death."

Triglyceride is the main constituent of body fat in humans and is also present in blood and a major component of human skin oils.

"Triglyceride from humans has long been known to produce the best soaps - the Romans, Gauls, Aztecs, and ancient Babylonians all used it," continued Doug, "and we knew that the fat b***ards at the top could accommodate a superfluous product and get the Russians back on board."

Speaking from his padded cell, Doug showed no remorse only saying, "My children are on anti-depressants, for Christ's sake. Do you really think I'm concerned with the remains of a few fatties ending up in a bar of soap?"

Cussons, now based in a developing country, issued a statement denying any wrongdoing, and believed that it would not be in the best interests of the company if they had to compensate another off-shore bank account with funds for 'death in service'.

Child believes BR locomotive belongs in a museum of industry.

The outspoken three-year-old, from Nottingham, made the remark when travelling on the Saturday afternoon, Nottingham to London, Class 43 (HST) diesel locomotive. READ MORE...

Reaching a maximum speed of 148mph, the British Rail train is the fastest diesel locomotive in the world.

"When Dad told me the heap of junk was built between 1975-1982, I thought he was joking," said the young, disgruntled child. "I thought the train was part of an exhibition for old trains through the ages. It's the same model the disgraced Jimmy Savile advertised in the late 70's."

"The thought of Savile, the worn drab interior, and the constant drift of diesel fumes made me want to vomit."

"After seeing Back to the Future with my Dad, I thought all trains from 2015 onward hovered through the dessert, powered by a flux capacity; fuelled only by domestic waste, not churning out natural resources," continued the three-year-old. "What kind of environment am I being raised in?"

In 2007, four Japanese tourists walked around London St. Pancras station for three hours, unaware that the station was not a life-sized replica model of a Horny railway set from 1982. Upon being reassured and ushered in by local transport Police, the tourists still refused to board the slow train to Dartford, as they believed they could walk to their destination much sooner.

Outdoors council-park workout endorsed by Rocky Balboa.

Former fictional heavy-weight champion of the world, Rocky Balboa, has given his approval to those who workout in council parks. READ MORE...

Speaking from opulent surroundings in Los Angeles, Balboa said, "It's like how I used to workout in the early days, before I made it."

"The harsh, uncouth surroundings of a council estate is what makes a fighter tough," continued a heavily tanned Balboa, now in his early sixties. "Council parks are great for stamina, strength and speed, unlike the comfort of a gym membership where steroid-enhanced Europeans train for hours-on-end, only to become mentally weak."

Former middle-weight champion, Chris Eubanks, said, "Balboa doesn't know what he's talking about. It's all a load of b@!!@cks. We have too many guided missiles and far too many misguided people."

Balboa concluded by saying, "In winter, when there is a 7ft snow drift, get out, go for a run, chop some logs with an overwhelming axe, and do several sets of sit-ups in a tree."

The sun gives English pensioner something else to complain about.

Bernard Stafford-Smith, from Trowell in Nottinghamshire, has found the perfect excuse to continue his bid to remain a recluse and whinge about every conceivable aspect of life.

Just two months ago, the miserable seventy-year-old was scolding the greedy energy companies and verbally bashing the cold winds...READ MORE

Today, Bernard has decided that nature is conspiring against him. Dressed only in woollen slacks and a white nylon shirt, beneath a burgundy cardigan, he said, from his 18th century stately home, "It's too hot for me, this. It's ridiculous. We never have a really nice day in this country. It's either too bloody cold or baking hot - It's hotter than Sudan out there. The sun is determined to dehydrate me."

"And when I go out on the lawn," he continued, "I can hear those kids in the distance, screaming in the garden; splashing about in their pool. The Tories should stop their meals and instigate a paddling pool tax to compensate me for the interference on my hearing aid. I can't sit outside and read Chaucer with that lot buzzing around like a distorted radio."

Bernard blames the rise of socialism and claims that summers under Margaret Thatcher and Cuba's General Batista were far more affable.

"You never got burned in the Cuban sun when Batista was running things, and the summer nights were always cool when Maggie was saving milk from the greedy mouths of ungrateful children. It's these socialists helping the Chinese to mess with our weather."

Next week, Bernard blasts the postman with a barrage of abuse after he delivers important correspondence ten minutes after midday.

Child has bronze medal revoked following random Sunny Delight test.

Aoibheann Williams, 3, from Nottingham, has lost her bronze medal status following the result of a random Sunny Delight test on Monday afternoon. READ MORE...

Harmful and unhealthy ingredients such as Sodium Benzoate and Yellow No.5 we discovered by the examination board on Monday afternoon - just hours after Williams had received her medal for 'regularly completing tasks that girls like to do when they think they are dancing' on Monday morning.

Sodium Benzoate is a petroleum or coal tar derivative known for its brain damaging and hyperactive qualities. It can decrease intellect and damage DNA.

Yellow No.5 is a chemical food dye known to increase the risk of cancer and is also present in the poison known as Sunny Delight.

Williams wasn't available for comment but her agent said, "Aoibheann denies taking Sunny Delight in any form and we refute the allegations that she is a Sunny D taker."

It is believed that Williams only ate a Peppa Pig yogurt and took Calpol the night before, to aid a sore throat caused by the common cold.

Daughter: "Dads should be more like Bruce Jenner."

Speaking at a conference for 'misaligned, disgruntled and alienated daughters', in Prague, a three-year-old daughter has demanded that fathers should divorce themselves from the 20th century stigma of beer drinking, pipe smoking, football obsessed potatoes, and become transgender, to realign themselves with the sensitive, charismatic, and fashion obsessed nature of exigent daughters. READ MORE...

"Of course, we want our fathers to be athletic heroes of track and field, but we would also like them to spend time shopping for clothes with us; discussing decorating ideas, and choosing designer handbags and shoes from remote market stalls, in mid-winter," said the three-year-old from Nottingham.

"The last thing us girls need on a Saturday afternoon, out window shopping, is for our fathers to show no interest in the racks and shelves, and see the occasion as just a thousand reflections of their own sweet self; slowly drifting into mental illness."

Next week, we speak to an eight-year old boy from Hull who takes his mother for a spa weekend, and later suggests sun bed sessions and a manicure.

Pancreas bemused by beef-based banquet.

"The red meat is just relentless," said Greg's bloated pancreas, from Nottingham. "Throughout winter we had stews. Now summer is here, the barbecue has come out, and I just have to deal with sausage and burgers."

"I'm only designed to consume about 250 grams of red meat a week," continued the 34 year-old pancreas. "I was so pleased when Greg stopped smoking about four years ago. I thought I was going down the Patrick Swayze route. However, this relentless gorge on red meat has also enticed the added pressure to serve rice with salad and bottled pilsner. I could be like the pancreas of Duff McKagan within a year."

Duff McKagan, bassist of rock group 'Guns and Roses', was admitted to hospital in 2007 after his pancreas burst and leaked digestive enzymes into his body, due to successive onslaughts of alcohol and drugs.

Greg's pancreas is not hopeful of a meat postponement as Greg is attending a barbecue this evening and then committed himself to having a curry with 'mates' on Friday, following a late afternoon p!$$-up.

Boy found reading a book for fun.

A twelve-year-old has admitted to quietly reading novels in his room, for fun.

When Kevin's mother, Rebecca, approached him and questioned his bizarre behaviour, he informed her that he 'enjoyed reading more than watching television and playing on his X-box'.

"He has always been rather odd," said, his mother, 32, "he's had trouble fitting in lately and he recently denounced television programmes such as 'The X-factor' and 'Come Dine With Me' as utterly mindless and pointless."

"We could see a pattern emerging when he read books by Alexandre Dumas and Edgar Allan Poe, about a year ago. We just thought it was harmless fun at the time, but something more sinister has arisen in the sign of enthusiasm for knowledge and literature."

Kevin attends The Holgate Academy school, in Hucknall, which has a fond history for suppressing artistic expression and literature. Kevin's teacher, Leonard Cohen, denies any encouragement to engage in fantasy.

"We have a strict curriculum with the intention of boring the children to death with text books showing useless information, and story books are tailor-made to discourage reading at home. For girls, we advise reading Dante's 'Inferno', the 'UKIP manifesto' and 'General Pinochet's autobiography'. For the boys, we advise 'To Kill a Mocking Bird', 'Wuthering Heights', and 'Pride and Prejudice'. We usually find these six books are guaranteed to put children off reading fantasy novels forever."

"The trouble with reading novels," continued Mr Cohen, "is that it encourages empathy, mainly because it emphasises situations from various perspectives. The last thing we need is children growing up and leaving school with a sympathetic view of other people. Our job, as educators, is to breed sociopathic tendencies for an industrialised society, not a fair society for free-thinking radicals."

Kevin's parents have since sought the aid of a child psychologist to quell Kevin's thirst for knowledge and fantasy. And he is now being sedated in class.

Bee too busy to live ambiguously.

In a rare interview, a bee has finally spoken out about the perceived freedom of a bee's life. READ MORE...

"Humans often have this romantic idea of what it's like to be a bee, hovering like an angel and living socially amongst the flora and fauna," said the free-thinking radical bee, from Nottingham.

"There is no champagne room for us bees. We are too busy for suicide and we have no real time for fear. A bee must travel and turmoil, or there is no existence for us. Men think highly of those who rise rapidly in the world, whereas nothing rises quicker than dust, straw, feathers, and a bee in a Dyson," continued the bee. "We just buzz all day like a fridge; a distorted radio."

Thanks to environmental issues, caused by Man's greed, selfishness, and unfettered consumerism, the number of bees is in rapid decline.

"We work all day; every day. We have asked for a three-day working-week to spend more time with our loved ones, but we are just told that there isn't enough money in the system to accommodate a life outside of pollen extraction."

"We are told, from a very young age, that our social and artistic skills are useless to our daily life and, if we do not meet the needs of industrialisation, we are not valued."

"I am restless in a process of imagining alternatives and possibilities, but I am trapped in a picket fence garden, following orders like a zombie, afraid to question anything, " concluded the busy bee.

If all the insects in the world were wiped out, life would cease to exist on earth within seventy years. However, if Man was wiped out, life on earth would flourish within fifty years - optimistically speaking.

Ageing DJ found lost in the eighties.

Stuck somewhere between disco and Jamiroquai's 'The Return of the Space Cowboy' album, disc jockey, Barry Jones, has lived the life of a recluse for nearly thirty years. READ MORE...

Police were called to a house in Nottinghamshire just after 3 a.m. this morning, after concerns were raised following continuous, extended play, back-to-back Shep Pettibone and David Morales remixes, both from the late 1980s.

Social services were present during a sting that lasted nearly an hour, as 'Barry J' blasted out the tunes into the early hours.

Dressed only in Bose headphones, the independently wealthy Barry Jones audaciously mixed a Mantronix-produced Joyce Simms remix with an early Janet Jackson rhythm, and then toned the vibe down with an Alexander O'Neal and Cherrelle collaboration, just before finishing with the Bee Gees and Prince's 'Beautiful Ones'.

Neighbour, Michael Barrymore, who is a close friend and financial advisor to Mr. Jones, said, "I knew something was wrong when Barry asked me to do a week's shopping with just eighteen-quid. I mean, with today's prices, you can't buy milk, a tin of tuna, and a loaf of bread for less than a fiver."

Psychologist, Dr. Gloria Levitt, said, "Mr. Jones has clearly found solace in his music and become so comfortable with his surroundings that he has decided to mentally remain in a time and a place he loves the most."

"Exposure to the twenty-first century for the first time, with Brexit, Donald Trump, and the sudden realisation of the mispronounced 90's hit, 'We're going to Ibiza', by the Vengaboys, is likely to be as big a shock to his system as it was for John Rambo returning to civilian life in the ultra right-wing town of Hope, British Colombia, after Vietnam and those carcinogenic nerve gases," continued Gloria.

Barry's condition is likely to be a 'nostalgic obsessant' or 'avoidance personality syndrome'.

"His situation is similar, in many ways, to that of Hiro Onoda who, in 1974, emerged from Lubang, in the Philippines, still fighting World War II for the Japanese," concluded Dr. Levitt.

Daughter removes father from his bubble.

After nearly 40 years of submitting to a propaganda bubble, designed to limit the way we envisage the world, a daughter has finally liberated her father. READ MORE...

"Somebody had to do it," said the three-year-old, from Nottingham. "He was so comfortable just looking through a giant lens, trapped in a system he blindly trusted. I had to enlighten him. His possessions were beginning to own him."

"The unfettered consumerism and the belief in the democratic system all started with an indoctrination at school. He believed, just like many others, that if he absorbed the restricted information and played it back in a docile manner, failing to question anything at all, he'd be fulfilled and successful," continued his daughter.

Despite the desire to be released from the bubble, it is assumed the 45-year-old is beyond hope; tethered to materialistic needs and the demands of a capitalist society that denies freedom and equality. He will always be chained to the machine; just a cog in the wheel, having to conform or die, fighting on his knees.

"Fortunately," said the toddler, "my father has got me to put him straight. His changed perception of wealth, the forty-hour working week, the unrealistic hope of a National Lottery win, democracy, and the chance in a billion rags-to-riches to story, will help him to artistically transcend himself and be content in life, and less like a robotic slave."

The father is going to celebrate his epiphany by drinking re-branded fizzy Italian wine, watching the Kardashian family continue an unproductive and mentally damaging life, and feeling really positive about Pippa Middleton's forthcoming wedding that has a budget the size of a Saudi Arabian arms deal.

Moon - "I am the greatest natural wonder".

Speaking to 'More' magazine, this month, the Moon has arrogantly announced that he is 'the greatest natural wonder'. READ MORE...

"It's simple," said the Moon, everyone complains about the Sun - he's too hot, scorches the earth, doesn't know his place, or simply refuses to show his face. The Breeze is too often windy, causing destruction on a huge scale; destroying buildings completely, cutting off roads and halting e-mail. The Snow is beautiful, like a white gold; cold. It turns to slush and falls as hail, and is much worst in a gale. The Sea is often polluted, grey; Man creates its pain, and we all know about the inconsistencies of Rain."

"People complain about all of the above; I am just full of love," continued the Moon, "the subject of poems and clear, balmy nights; I am affable and never full of fright. Hear my words, for I will be full soon, and nobody will ever complain about the Moon."

- Always be like the Moon

Skegness to become Jazz capital of Europe

As we approach summer, many people will have holidays on their mind, and thoughts will drift to that of Skegness, with its brown frothy sea, streets lined with penny arcades, lager-infused vomit, and the stench of its long, dog s***-laden beach. READ MORE...

Well, a transformation is in the making that will completely renovate the depraved English coastal town, and revolutionise an area that has a widespread reputation for being an enclosure for contestants on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Jeffrey Dumas, a French architect and investor in the project says, "We are going to create an upper-class resort where tourists can hear the best jazz musicians in the world and sample exquisite cuisines. There will be tiled, ornate venues, adorned with tropical plants and large open courts where the natural light can filter upon talented musicians, as crowds sip on fine wines and dine on olives and fresh lobster, well into the evening."

Nicolas Coleridge-Bole, Conservative MP for the area says, "It's the end of an era for the nicotine-dependent, cheap-lager-swilling, washed-out crowds from South Yorkshire and the East Midlands who want to bring their poorly constructed tattoos and their enthusiasm for pit bull terriers and chip shops, and use the place like a pirate's bathroom. We are gonna import sand from North Africa and filter the sea with large turbines, whilst adding a natural food colourant that makes it appear as if life could actually survive in it."

The first venue will be named 'It's all music', after a quote from famous jazz musician, Duke Ellington. It is expected to feature large black and white, nostalgic photographs from the last five decades: an unhealthy looking Jolly Fisherman, an ashtray, candy floss, boarded-up arcades in winter, a midnight brawl outside a chippy, and unsightly ladies vomiting off the pier.

Millions of children subjected to unpaid chores

Millions of children are being forced to endure hours of unpaid housework in order to manage spare time for their parents to visit the food bank. READ MORE...

Children as young as 2 are hoovering the stairs, gardening, washing dishes, painting the fence, waxing on; waxing off, and doing laundry duties, in an attempt to burden the pressure of austerity.

The recent trend and desire for families to live in an austere culture, at the threshold of desperation and depravity, means that there has been a 700% food bank increase and a sudden demand for millions of low paid/zero-hours'-contract work.

Britain's caring Plutocracy has been too busy helping with inequality to comment, but we are certain the ruling classes are pulling the plug on poverty and making society a level playing field and providing the same opportunities for all hard working people, in order for them to have an account with Mossack Fonseca.

General Pinochet to feature on new ten pound note

From October, the new face of the £10 note will be murderous Chilean dictator, Augusto Pinochet.

Responsible for thousands of deaths, torture and countless more missing persons, the former Chilean general has fought off more worthy opponents to achieve such an accolade. And, Mark Carney, the governor of the bank of England, thinks there is no more fitting a character to grace the note than Pinochet - READ MORE...

"Listen," said Carney, "he was a close friend of Margaret Thatcher. What more of a recommendation do you need? His human rights record aside, he stands for tax evasion, oppression and arms deals. He represented a rich minority whilst denouncing the poor; he had US backing and he welcomed a neoclassical form of economics that is currently ripping the world apart with its aggressive form of capitalism, because it accentuates mass inequality and leaves wages stagnated and the poor entrenched."

A worthy face for the note, we believe, would've been English scientist and physician, Edward Jenner, who has saved more lives than any other human.

Within the next two years, the new £20 note is likely to feature Doctor Harold Shipman.

Television networks continue to broadcast same crap

If we continue to watch insanely dull and unimaginative programmes, the television companies have threatened to broadcast more of the same rubbish. READ MORE...

With an abundance of shows incorporating themes such as traffic, pets, and eating, the BBC and itv networks have vehemently expressed a desire to broadcast more, with new series planned in the autumn.

Philip Andrews, head of catering at the BBC, said on Tuesday, "We have lots of inane programmes in the making, and those viewers who unconsciously subscribe to a mediocre life will be happy to hear that we have two exciting new series on the way. One is 'Pets in traffic' , which follows drivers and their pets around the M25, during rush hour, and the other is 'Cooking for Cats'"

Itv plc director, Michael Grade, said "When a civilisation makes celebrities of its chefs and people show more consideration for animals than they do for children in the third-world, it's hardly surprising that people want to close their consciousness to what really matters in life, and watch s*** programmes on television."

We can also expect more programmes about hospitals and further series about police officers that highlight an interest in law and order, rather than expose the thuggery, injustice, racism, and corruption that exists within the Police; especially in Nottinghamshire.

God regrets not giving Earth enough yellow

For the first time since Adam was a lad, God speaks candidly about his regrets and failures.

In next month's GQ magazine, God expresses how he got it all wrong in the beginning, and how things just appear to have curtailed out of control. READ MORE...

"There was no prototype, you see. Most inventors will tell you that you don't go with your original idea; you explore and improve upon it," said God. "We didn't have that luxury. We went with the 'free-will' aspect for Man and it all proved to be a huge mistake. Of course, I managed to manipulate the planet in some ways, and some great ideas still remain, although it needs vast improvements before it can work."

God went on to say that he completely f***ed-up with the 'peach'. - "Yeah, it went all furry. Fortunately, someone in textures came up with the idea of the 'nectarine' and completely redeemed ourselves. It's a similar taste but it loses all that objectionable fur."

"I just wish I'd made Earth a bit more yellow," God continued. "It's a happy colour and it's very mellow. It's abundant in the tropics but that idiot, 'Man', decided to move to the extremes of the planet. We added the Kingfisher to brighten things up, but Man's stupidity didn't really deserve anymore than that, so we made the little f***ers fly really quick. I mean, Britain wasn't intended to be habitable. I was just finishing things off on the sixth day and decided to take a dump in the North Atlantic... and what came out of me was Britain."

When asked about his biggest regret, God openly said, "It's Man. I sent him my only son and the f***ers killed him."

Next week, God speaks to 'More' magazine about capitalism, sex, and his plans to destroy Man with an incurable and highly infectious disease, before he completely destroys the planet with his selfishness and greed.

Estate agent adapts abstract photos to sell s*** property

Clive Walvin, a thirty-two year old estate agent from Stapleford, Nottingham, has revealed his trade secrets, prior to the sale of yet another s*** property in a depressed area. READ MORE...

"I started my career selling high-end properties to people with far too much money," says Clive. "I could tell these people that Florence Nightingale sutured a festering wound in the hall and demand an extra twenty-grand on that basis. It's a lot different nowadays. The industry is unregulated, and so it doesn't really matter how unethical you are. All I care about is making the sale and taking my commission. On average, estate agents will sell their own house at 15% more than if it belonged to somebody else. That's how much we don't give a damn about our sellers."

"Take the dull and highly depressed area of Stapleford, for instance. You can't tell a potential buyer, from outside the area, that Stapleford is a declining town they should've closed down. You take photos of walls at an angle, or a skylight that is set against beautiful vanilla clouds - avoiding the aspect of damp walls and a poorly decorated lounge. You use words like 'bustling' and 'vibrant' to describe an area where drunks jostle between the bookmakers and the local Wetherspoons."

"I just look for bargains while I'm out on the road. I talk the seller down a grand or two, then I get a deposit from the bank of Mum and Dad, and add another property to my portfolio. I then rent the property out for twice the mortgage payment and continue to bolster a false property market, whilst helping a small minority get rich by producing absolutely nothing."

And that's why we hate estate agents, the banks, and Tony Blair. If housing was affordable, there wouldn't be billionaires buying up all the houses in London just to leave empty for investment purposes.

Taliban donate to the Royal Horticultural Society

The Sunni Islamic fundamentalist group from Afghanistan are regular donors to the Chelsea Flower Show, an inside source can confirm today. READ MORE...

"Long associated with aesthetics and nature, the Taliban have been interested in gardening and flower arranging for centuries," said Mullah Akhtar Mansour, Supreme Commander and Spiritual Leader.

"With so much clandestine support to our ideology from Israel and Britain, we enjoy putting something back into these societies. We aren't just about beheading, suicide bombs, tainting Islam with contrived twisted scriptures, and women-hating clerics, we have even adopted the Orchid as our national symbol for its everlasting purity, medicinal values, and its evolution," continued the fundamentalist leader. "The Taliban family is so similar to that of the Orchidaceae family. We are colourful, vibrant, diverse, and widespread; accepting of all races, cultures and religions. We do not discriminate or judge. We leave that to Allah, the almighty."

We can expect more pretentious bollocks from London-based flower shows this summer.

Shopkeeper builds an unrivalled reputation upon being obnoxious

A shopkeeper from Nottinghamshire believes her commercial success is due solely to her vile attitude towards her customers.

So obnoxious and dislikeable, the shopkeeper from Trowell, in Nottinghamshire, even refuses to give her name. READ MORE...

"Instead of dispensing pleasantries, I ask my customers 'What the Hell do you want?', when they walk into my establishment," said the 54-year-old.

"People may suggest that my unrivalled 33 years reputation as a successful purveyor of overpriced convenience stuff is merely down to the shop being remote, and seven miles from the nearest alternative, but I can assure you it's the fact that I am continually disagreeable and hateful".

"I tell my customers, if they aren't happy with me, my produce, or my elevated prices, they can p*** off and find another store to annoy - and they love it. My no nonsense attitude and limited stock at ridiculously high prices just keeps 'em coming back."

Breadstick in post Brexit name change

From July, the producers of the humble breadstick will re-brand the bland item due to a nasty taste left by Brexit.

"They just aren't selling", said Richard Jackal, a consumer researcher for Asda. "People just don't want to hear about Brexit anymore, and we believe that the word 'breadstick' conjures up scenes and comments made by a scrotum-faced Theresa May." READ MORE...

"A 'hard breadstick' just sounds too much like the nauseating reality of having to succumb to financial torture and hardship, likely to be forced upon us by EU bureaucrats, after the divorce goes horribly sour," continued Richard.

It's difficult to swallow, but the new breadsticks will be re-labelled without an Italian flag and will simply be called 'bread column' or 'cylindrical bread', to avoid any post-Brexit similarities.

No amount of money can rejuvenate Bulwell

Following the allocation of a derisory £10,000 'rejuvenation' grant, the people of Bulwell, Nottinghamshire, are shocked to discover that £10,000 isn't actually a great deal of money anymore, especially when the aspirations of the English market town are to develop and propel the town into the 21st century. READ MORE...

Margaret Stanford-Hughes, a local councillor for the area, said, "I don't really know what is expected for a measly £10,000. Even £2billion wouldn't go far enough for this declining provincial town with crime rate statistics on par with Honduras. I mean, to suggest that we can rejuvenate a s*** hole with ten-grand is like suggesting that we can teach a guinea-pig how to be a horse, or transform a turd into a tulip."

When we offered local residents the chance to give suggestions for improving the area, local businessman and professional surfer, Barry Jones, said, "If £10,000 is enough money to move a ballistic missile into space to flatten the area - so we could start from scratch - that might just do the trick."

Last year, neighbouring town, Hucknall, won a prestigious cultural graffiti award for the words 'F*** off Bulwell' being artistically presented with a tin of gloss paint on somebody's wall.

Even without money, the area and its people of integrity and character appear to be blossoming.

Sellotaped spectacles signal a new socioeconomic status

Britain's level of deprivation continues to take a downward spiral as new cases of sellotaped spectacles are reported each day. READ MORE...

"It's something we experience on a daily basis now," said John Plummer, a social worker from Nottingham. "First it was housing issues, and then food banks, and now it's middle-aged men with poorly repaired spectacles. Not all types of 'super glue' will repair spectacles, and so the cheapest alternative is tape."

Socioeconomic Status (SES) is a sociological term to determine the composite raking based on various dimensions of social inequality.

"When we think of social inequality, we largely think of social deprivation," said Maximillian Marx, from the Institute of social studies, "they come hand-in-hand."

"There are three dimensions of social inequality, and human resignation to sellotaped spectacles certainly adds a new dimension to the perils of lower-class Britain," continued Marx. "Under Tory rule, we have witnessed wealth being distributed into the hands of a minority rich elite, and these men with sellotaped spectacles are victims of this inequality. Consequently, their perception of 'disadvantages' has arisen from a comparison of 30 years ago, when life was affordable."

"German peasants had no idea of being deprived because they had known nothing but feudal servitude. Unfortunately, in 2017, we are all well aware of austerity and how it is only affecting the lower classes, whilst an elite band of privately educated tax evaders continue to ride around on a bejewelled bus of champagne and hog roasts."

The cost of food, utilities, dental care and spectacles have risen at a exponential rate, leading us to believe that the government doesn't care if we starve, lose our homes, our teeth, or go blind.

Homelessness is a myth

Despite homelessness figures doubling since 2010, Theresa May and the Conservative government would like to use the issue to abuse the opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, rather than debate the issue rationally. READ MORE...

According to Crisis, 4,134 people slept rough last year and countless other people are desperately suffering similar conditions, but simply do not appear on the radar.

Theresa May appears to avoid issues such as inequality, the NHS, stagnated wages, homelessness and education, in favour of Brexit and Iain Duncan-Smith's lunch.

Whenever Jeremy Corbyn mentions homelessness and Tory-infused tax havens, the British Prime Minister quickly changes the subject to Corbyn's collection of crap ties, the unhygienic aspect of beards, and poorly tailored scruffy suits that are void of pin stripes.

The average life expectancy of a homeless person is just 47...and, according to The Economist, in 2013, the amount of money reportedly missing in tax havens was $20 trillion.

Jellyfish to become amphibious by 2027

Japanese microbiologists have predicted that a dramatic shift in the DNA of jellyfish indicates that they will be walking from the sea and into our homes within ten years. READ MORE...

"We have already received reported sightings of a deadly Portuguese man-of-war walking along the banks of the River Thames, and a recent YouTube video clip shows a mutated yellow species climbing into a Nottinghamshire dustbin, and desperately eating leftovers from a McDonald's Happy Meal," said Professor Fujiwara Takaoka, from Tokyo University of wasps, jellyfish and other stinging b******s.

According to the 'Climate Hot Map' website, human-induced global warming is responsible for massive outbreaks of jellyfish. Since 2002, outbreaks have occurred every year opposed to once every four decades.

Oceans are absorbing excess carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and the inhibited coral growth coincides with the expansion of jellyfish populations.

"Jellyfish numbers are increasing at an exponential rate, and so is their mutated DNA - most probably caused by a contaminated spillage of gamma radiation," concluded Professor Kanaoka.

It is expected that Hollywood will produce its first jellyfish blockbuster by 2024, and Steven Spielberg has already hinted that a sci-fi romantic comedy, featuring a performing jellyfish alongside Jennifer Aniston, is 'on the cards'.

Donald Trump to become a Zapatista

In what appears to be a dramatic attempt to defuse the Mexican government, Donald Trump has decided to take his right-wing, stroppy-teenager-political-rhetoric and join forces with the revolutionary leftist Zapatista Army of National Liberation. READ MORE...

Named after Emiliano Zapatista, the agrarian reformer and revolutionary during the Mexican revolution, the EZLN has declared war against the Mexican state in an attempt to synthesise traditional Mayan values with a Marxist element.

EZLN's chief spokesman, Subcomandante Insurgente Galeano, expects Trump to report for duty next month and is looking forward to the crazy alliance.

The Whitehouse has denied allegations of collaboration with Marxists but Galeano, speaking from the Chiapas base in Mexico said, "Donald aligns himself with a very similar ideology as the Zapatistas. He is anti-Mexico state, anti-globalisation, and we also want to build a wall on our border with the USA to stop stupid American capitalists getting in."

So far, Donald Trump is failing to get anywhere with his major promises, and his ridiculous style of verbal Nationalist nonsense could be mellowed by a partnership with a group of intellectual revolutionaries who are completely against the corporate greed element of Trump's business ethic.

It could be an interesting match for the multi-bankrupt businessman who inherited a fortune from his father.

Nottingham University to host Mermaid masters

From September, a 'mermaid' masters course will be made available to students at the Nottingham Trent University, along with other useless degree courses, such as 'basket weaving', 'the DNA of Kim Kardashian', 'good medical practice by Harold Shipman', and 'human taxidermy - with a foreword by Ed Gein' .READ MORE...

Professor Charles Adams, from Hull University, has denounced the course and claims that it is 'another sign that we are being indoctrinated into a world where we accept mediocrity and desire conditions that we would normally find intolerable.'

"We have reached a disillusionment where a degree is almost pointless - because everyone has one - and we are giving credence to chefs who cook food. We should have degree courses that teach morality and ask why the blame of society is being placed on the shoulders of the most vulnerable."

"A golfing degree contemporaneously occupies our lives when humanity has the capacity to stop actions that accentuate suffering - but it doesn't," continued Professor Adams. "I'm losing the will to live with these nonsensical teachings and this prolonged ignorance that adheres to necropolitics."

Marcia Sanchez, a student from Juarez, Mexico, said, "I love the idea of learning s*** that makes you feel happy. I want to join the long list of teenage girls who want to carry around a suitcase full of beauty products and learn how to become a vanity obsessed beautician. I may even learn about mermaids and unicorns along the way."

Palm Tree demands to be deported

A Nottinghamshire palm tree, usually native to subtropical conditions, has demanded to be sent to a country with a more affable climate. READ MORE...

"This is ridiculous, said the palm tree, "I can't be expected to live in these inclement conditions. There was a frost on Monday night, and the perpetual winter of 2011 almost killed me. I don't belong here; nobody belongs here. It's just too f***in' cold and miserable."

The outspoken tree said that he was vehement on behalf of trees alike and the whole of humanity.

"Ninety-eight percent of primates live within the tropics," he continued. "Does this not tell you something? If grapes and olives can't grow naturally on the land, then you shouldn't be here. It's the message of nature."

The Nottinghamshire palm tree has recently been shunned by the Northern Hemisphere Palm Tree Community, who collectively agree that their presence in Britain and parts of Japan shows a determined ability to be able to survive in harsh and extreme conditions, against the odds.

Recently, a number of Tulips appeared in court to rid their name of any connection with the Dutch.

Daughter survives whole morning without father

In what they are calling the greatest survival expedition since 'Alive', a three-year-old girl from Nottinghamshire has survived three whole hours without the presence of her father.

In her first interview since the rescue, Aoibheann Williams speaks openly about her ordeal:-...READ MORE

In her first interview since the rescue, Aoibheann Williams speaks openly about her ordeal:-

"I really didn't know what I was going to do without the man I will consider to be an embarrassment within a decade," said an emotional Aoibheann.

When asked how she managed to survive for so long without eating other children, she modestly replied, "I had to focus on playing at Pre-school. I decided to randomly scribble crayons on coloured paper and present it to my father as a piece of art. I also decided to get soaked and borrow UN-donated clothes. I ate small snacks at tiny tables to conserve energy, and sang 'Twinkle twinkle little star' to help boost morale.

Aoibheann was stranded at the Pre-school in Trowell, in the early hours, after her father abandoned her to go back to a house in need of maintenance and chores, in the absence of Aoibheann's destruction.

Potato Head arrested for kerb crawling

Since the collapse of his marriage in 2010, soliciting a prostitute is just another offence to add to the insurmountable list of charges against the former actor....READ MORE

Co-star and close friend, Buzz Lightyear, said in a 2014 interview, "Potato Head has been struggling after his 27-year-marriage to Mrs Potato Head ended in divorce. She gained custody of the majority of accessories and he just wasn't himself after that; turning to drink, drugs and Triad gang members." Mrs Potato Head filed for divorce in 2009, after the much publicised affair with Barbie and the occasional alcoholism. "The money started to roll in after the sequel, and so did the drink and drugs," said Mrs Potato Head. "He turned violent one evening after a cocktail of vodka and cocaine. He pulled my eyes off and hid my ears in the Ferrari. He said it was for the best: hear no evil; see no evil. We booked him into rehab and we started marriage counselling in November 2008, but things just escalated." Potato Head hasn't appeared in a film since 2010 and has only made brief appearances on Emmerdale, Celebrity Chef, and a fresh vegetable advert for Lidl.

Just after Christmas, he visited the mass grave of fellow potatoes who perished during the Spanish vegetable crisis, when temperatures plummeted as low as a British summer.

Potato Head denies the charges; claims entrapment, and has said he was merely offering the young prostitute a route out of the exploitative sex trade.

Goldilocks fights for the right to arm bears

Through the thicket, across the River Trent and into the deep, dark woods, Goldilocks, a rogue wasp scientist, has been studying anthropomorphic bears for almost a decade.

Despite disapproval from the local authority, the RSPCA and the Police, the melanin-impoverished Goldilocks, 31, from Top Valley, continues an aggressive approach to forcing Parliament into allowing bears temporary access to British-built weaponry...READ MORE

"I'm not just doing this for selfish reasons," said Goldilocks, "I've exposed the thin veil of nature - these creatures are ready to use guns. They can walk like men, and they can determine if porridge is thermally enhanced enough to eat."

Goldilocks' integrity has recently been in question, and many believe she is using the bears for media attention and to boost her website ratings. Animal activists claim that she has drugged the bears on numerous occasions and fitted them with illegal radio collars that cause discomfort and inevitable distress.

"It's simple," continued Goldilocks, "if some red-neck from the deep south has the right to be armed, so should the bears. I'm just fighting for equality and social justice. Let's level the playing field for once."

Goldilocks denies snaring the non-gender-specific 'Baby' bear but admits lacing the creature's porridge with a sedative to reduce the effects of 'Baby's' ADHD.

Until now, the presence of 7ft tall, carnivorous beasts in Top Valley, Nottingham, has been kept quiet. The knowledge remained in the hands of a small minority who were qualified enough to deal with bears and cold, oat-based cereal.

Sweatshop agent impressed by child's dexterity

As a three-year-old sat patiently and adroitly threaded cotton through beads, Dai Xiuling, an agent for supply chains that encourage unimaginable working conditions akin to modern day slavery, watches with the enthusiasm of a stalking predator. READ MORE...

"I'm just considering the potential we have here," said Dai, 52, from Shanghai. "Her speed and dexterity would be ideal for metal handicrafts, garment production, jewellery, and shit accessories that are obsessed-over by westernised teenagers. Her tiny hands could pick cotton without damaging the crop and she could even make ipods for Apple".

There are currently 170 million children engaged in slave labour to satisfy the demands of mass consumerism.

"I have a number of clients lined-up in places such as Bangladesh, Qatar and Indonesia," continued Dai, "big brands such as Nike, Monsoon, GAP, Daewoo and Nestlé are all implicated in human trafficking, debt bandage, and mental duress through a complex system that evades consumer awareness."

The three-year-old from Nottinghamshire is still considering offers, and she has also received correspondence from Shell and FIFA who have shown a keen interest in her work and facilitating genocide.

Sword of Simón Bolívar discovered at North Notts allotment

.Filled with mystery, intrigue, and speculation, the whereabouts of 'El Liberator's' sword has a long and tumultuous past.

Since its theft from a Bogota museum, in 1974, the sword has been in the hands of political dictators, Marxist revolutionary groups and narco-terrorists. READ MORE...

However, a photograph has now emerged that places the sword at an allotment in Hucknall, Nottinghamshire, around 1986.

Justin Süskind, now in his late thirties, discovered the Polaroid photo in the back of his late grandfather's Ford Cortina, in 1994. Justin then passed the photograph to deranged amateur historian and carpet fitter, Cyril Metcalf, who certified that the photograph was legitimate proof that Bolívar's sword had, beyond all reasonable doubt, crossed continents and found itself on the back of a door inside an allotment shed, on the doorstep of a provincial mining town.

"I remember the sword quite vividly," said Justin. "My grandfather used it to wedge open the shed door, open tins of gloss, and plough an area for carrots to grow. He later nailed it to the back of the shed door, and then me and my brother used it as a toy until Fidel Castro visited us one Christmas and traded it for six cigars and a motorcycle once owned by Alberto Granado."

The current whereabouts of the sword is still unknown.

Dragon egg found during Easter hunt

A mythical dragon's egg has been discovered in Wollaton Hall, Nottingham, after a child got lost for several hours during the annual Easter egg hunt.

Melissa Stanford-Smith, 8, was lost on the fifth floor of the 16th century Elizabethan country house for five hours, before she emerged with a large, brightly coloured egg. READ MORE...

"We thought it was a jewel or something at first", said Melissa's mother. "Melissa had followed its 'call' and fell down a dark staircase, which hasn't been used for centuries."

Melissa has requested that her mother, Margaret, 48, from Belfast, adopts the baby dragon when it hatches.

Historians know of only one way to determine if Margaret will be fit to mother the dragon when it emerges, and that is to nest with the egg overnight on a bonfire. If Margaret survives temperatures of up to 2000 degrees, she will be able to raise the dragon and tame it as her own.

Manual toothbrush caught in intimate embrace with electric Braun

An inter-toothbrush relations debate has been sparked after it has emerged that two toothbrushes, from totally different parts of the world, have been having a secret affair The German Braun and a 'cheap' Chinese model have finally been exposed as lovers, after being captured during a tiled romp in a Nottinghamshire bathroom.. READ MORE...

Little is known about the longevity of the affair, or how it started, however, a close friend of the two lovers said, "Braun has been fixated with the Chinese model after he was told she gave good head and it was generally a back teeth effort."

The Chinese model has since been quoted as saying, "Braun is simply electric."

Child refuses to believe that education is an indoctrination designed to systematically destroy ingenuity

An eight-year-old girl from Hucknall, Nottinghamshire, has made an outlandish remark on the penultimate day of term.

Judy Travers, who attends the Ronald Reagan Infant and Junior school of Neoclassical entrenchment, has told a News of the World reporter that 'education is her friend and it is helping her to harness her creativity and provide her with the necessary skills that will help her achieve everything she wants in life'. READ MORE...

Judy went on to say, "The school's curriculum is designed to make me the best I can be and set the foundations for a happy and prosperous life; doing the things I've always dreamed of."

Trying to hold back the laughter, her form tutor, Margaret Moore, told us, "I don't know where she's got all that nonsense from. She's deluded if she thinks that her education is anything other than an assembly line to create a mundane workforce, with a system designed to thwart creativity and a boring curriculum that provides a useless set of skills. We even have a canteen that resembles a factory restroom at a large IKEA.

Professor Michael Pascal, from the University of Nottingham, who is also a school governor and educational consultant, added, "It's a benign system designed at government level to indoctrinate the young and train them to be obedient and conformist. Education isn't designed to be exciting, and it is beyond all comprehension why any child would assume that they aren't being prepared for a dull clerical position with a multinational company, working 40 hours a week for 50 years of their lives until they receive a pension and die."

The majority of teachers explained that, whilst they attempt to encourage creativity, it is often frowned upon and it could eventually lead to a system of warnings and an eventual dismissal.

The school have said that it will continue to force a curriculum upon the children that will quell imagination and vivacity, and those children who fail to be complicit with boredom and mediocrity will be diagnosed with ADHD and given a prescription of pills to aid docile behaviour and encourage them to conform to several years of nonsensical mathematics and studies about sheep and other uninspiring mammals.

"The last thing any school wants to achieve," continued Professor Pascal, "is happy children who are engaged and excited by learning. We don't want the youth to question anything. By the age of 12, we hope their minds are closed, unimaginative, and ready for antidepressants."

Stella Artois scoops top 'Tramp Sick' award

Stella made surprise scoops in the 'anti-social behaviour' category, with the much coveted 'Wife Beater' award, and nudged Carlsberg Special Brew into second place with the prestigious 'Gentleman of the Road' award - an award previously dominated by Special Brew, Tennents Super, and White Lightning, for almost a decade. READ MORE...

"It was a great honour and a huge surprise," said Anheuser-Bosch InBev CEO, Carlos Brito. "It was never likely that we would win the top award, but since the usual suspects have all been forced to lower their ABV, anything was possible."

It wasn't all doom and gloom for White Lightning, as they came through eventual winners in the 'under-age' category and 'Impoverished boredom' award.

Gordon's Gin was still a winner with the 'No.1 drink for depressed housewives over 50' award, and WKD won 'Most abundant in teenage vomit'.

Carlos Brito went on to congratulate Tennents Super for winning the 'Beat Mother-in-law to death with ashtray' award, saying "Having won the 'wife beater' for the seventh year running, I expected to have this one in the bag. However, winning 'Pilsner most likely to be found clutched by dead tramp' and 'Eastern European Bar Brawler' just made our night."

Stella Artois also topped awards in 'Best with nicotine', 'Best with spirit chaser' and 'Best with MDMA'. Tyskie won 'Best Eastern European beer in a cocktail' and Special Brew won the 'Most irresponsible drink in a can' award, for the 9th year running.

Englishman with no links to Ireland celebrates St. Patrick's day

John Schechter, 27, from Harlow, has made the decision to 'throw a sickie' and go out on the p***, whilst using St. Patrick's day as a valid excuse. READ MORE...

John Schechter, who was born in Stoke-on-Trent, has Jewish ancestry on his father's side and French ancestry on his mother's. His great grandparents moved to England in 1947, after the war, and there is no trace of Irish in his blood whatsoever.

"I think, during the 1700s, there was a distant relative from Ireland, named O' Neill, who worked on a merchant's ship, transporting slaves to Antigua," said John, drinking an unfamiliar pint of Guinness at 9 a.m.

Despite supporting Manchester United, John will also take the morning off after the Leicester City, European cup, quarter-final, and he has also booked-off September 11th, in commemoration of all those Jewish Americans he didn't know, who died in New York, sixteen years ago.

Fate of piñata still unknown

The fate of an Asda piñata still, literally, hangs in the balance.

"We know our fate," said Rodriguez De La Piñata, from Juarez, in north-east Mexico, "it is written in the ancient scriptures. We are made to suffer. It is only the length of our suffering that is always unknown. Sometimes, we are killed with a single blow from a twelve-year-old, but often, the weaker children prolong our death with their pitiful, limp-wrist strikes." READ MORE...

Rodriguez has now spent eight weeks on the shelf at Asda and his only concerns are purely altruistic - "I long to see the hatred in the eyes of a four-year-old, as he strikes us, remorselessly, to our death; spewing our sweet, additive-infused guts onto the cold kitchen floor."

"It's all about the children," continued Rodriguez, "it's their special day, to experience taking their first life. I only have one fateful end, but I hope the children will go on to murder many, many more piñata."

Rodriguez is not alone, and many of his kind long to see, with their dying eyes, the joy in the smile of a selfish brat who has discovered an intestinal bounty made entirely from sweeties.

Shopping centre to be converted into wasp factory

The Broadmarsh Shopping Centre in Nottingham has largely been regarded as nothing more than a pointless portal for the public, as 98% of the tiresome store's footfall disregards the insipid retail outlets and the humdrum indoor coffee shops to commute elsewhere. Now, approval has been granted for the tedious site to be transformed into a glass container where billions of wasps will be attracted from as far away as Mexico, and then executed. READ MORE...

The indoor wasp aquarium is the brainchild of 42 year-old, avid Iain Banks reader, Lawrence Levitt, from Sneinton. He has collaborated with city architects and Nottingham City Council to approve the torture facility, that will commence construction in October 2018.

"We will use a scientifically designed beacon to chemically attract the wasps - more commonly known by their Latin name 'The Bastard' - and they will filter through to an atrium where children will not only be able to see the wasps die horribly but, for a small fee, be able to choose their demise," said Lawrence.

"There will be several observable forms of execution to instruct," he continued, "including drowning; burning; decapitation; squashing; kicking and writhing in hot tar, and gassing. There will also be a consideration for other predators to eat the wasps but we need to gain the necessary consents from the council and animal rights activists, who constantly plague me with their threats."

The maximum security facility has also seen support from broadcaster and naturalist, David Attenborough. In a recent interview, the 'Life' series presenter said, "I think it's a marvellous idea. People generally regard me as a lover of all animals, but I must let it be known that I hate rats, jellyfish, cockroaches, small yapping dogs, fat cats and wasps. The wasp is only partly responsible for pollination, and so the little f***ers will not be missed."

Mr. Levitt has also designed a controversial chemical to increase the aggression of large turtles, in an attempt to stop small children interfering with their migration patterns.

Those opposed to the Broadmarsh project have said that they will miss the old atmosphere of lonely people walking aimlessly in from the cold, and the prolonged dark echo of austerity.

Dolly Parton laments 'Jolene' remonstration

In an emotional interview, promoting her new autobiography, Dolly Parton breaks the silence over that famous altercation with her husband's mistress, Jolene, after nearly forty-four years. READ MORE...

"It wasn't my choice to make", said a tearful Parton. "I was naive and selfish, and I concentrated on all the superficial elements of Jolene's countenance and her beautiful appearance. Sure, she had beauty beyond compare; those flaming locks of auburn hair; the Ivory skin and those God-damn eyes of emerald green. But it was much deeper than that. Carl spoke about her in his sleep; he really loved her, and I denied two people the chance of being together for the rest of their lives. I was just a stubborn cow at the time, and now I lament the past."

Parton, now 71, said that the last 44 years without Jolene has left Carl a miserable wreck, with bouts of depression, alcoholism and drug abuse. "I forced Jolene away with my immature jealousy when it was Carl's decision to make; not mine. I should have stepped aside and let love take its shot".

The confession from the American singer-songwriter came just days after Kenny Rogers was finally able to forgive Lucille for leaving him to deal with the sole custody of four hungry children.

Rogers said, "It was tough times. That woman put us through Hell...and then there was the custody battle in court. The kids are all grown now and left home. Inevitably, it made me a better man; a better dad...but I doubt the kids with ever forgive that bitch."

In the future, everything will be made from Lego

World leaders have announced today that provisions are to be made for all products, regardless of their size and structure, to be converted to a version made entirely from Lego. READ MORE...

During a summit meeting, in Berlin, involving 34 foreign ministers, it has been decided that everything from houses and bridges, to aircraft and cars will be made entirely from Lego, by the year 2021.

This durable, strong, weatherproof and completely watertight material will transform the earth's skyline and form the basis of future space explorations.

Tom Marshall, a space engineer from NASA, said, "It's a dream come true for me. Finally, we can take men to Mars encased in a rocket-propelled Lego kit, made in Denmark."

Bali Padda, The Lego Group CEO, said, "We can finally take our heads out of our asses and concentrate our efforts on making stuff rather than creating lawsuits to stop other people making small plastic bricks."

Founded in Denmark, in 1932, by Ole Kirk Christiansen, the company has been embroiled in controversy and lawsuits since its sales surpassed the $2bn mark.

"We have already started tests to propel a Lego Millennium Falcon into space at light-speed," said the Lego President, "and we hope to complete a fully operational Death Star by 2025. Lego is the future and all companies must change their production lines to collaborate and adhere to the proposals."

Last year, Lego was given the go ahead to build landmines, as it was determined that Lego is the most painful thing in the world to step on with bare feet.

Earlier, actor, Harrison Ford, announced that, under no circumstances, does he want to pilot a giant Millennium Falcon made entirely from Lego. The 74-year-old actor said, "I want no part in it. I do not want to spend my final hour being blasted into space at light-speed in a plastic toy."

Three-year-old becomes world's youngest wine connoisseur

A three-year-old from Nottinghamshire has fulfilled her lifelong dream of becoming a sommelier.

Due to the ongoing concerns of social services, the fully trained wine professional will not develop her first wine list and publish her first pretentious book, aimed at gullible, upper class enthusiasts, until the autumn.

When asked how she accomplished such an accolade, she simply replied, "It was easy. The human palate is the weakest of the five traditional senses, and the whole concept of wine tasting is innately bull****. READ MORE...

"90% of expert judges are inconsistent," she continued, "and psychological tests have proven that people just cannot tell the difference between an expensive vintage bottle of wine, from a French boutique vineyard, and a bottle of Lambrini from Asda".

In 2011, a professor from a Hertfordshire university concluded that wine tasting was a 'load of old boll****', following a test by Bordeaux University, in 2001, which saw students able to differentiate and make notes on two separate wines which were in fact from the same bottle. Only a tasteless colour had been added to a white wine to make it appear red.

"It's all about the label, the price, and the nonsensical wine notes," said the young sommelier.

"If you use pretentious and elaborate words such as 'confident', 'full-bodied', 'terroir', 'aged', 'fragile', 'smooth notes' and 'woody aroma', people will pay good money for that s***. Just by adding a short story, either side of those words, you can create an award winning vintage. For instance, my next bottle of Blossom Hill, which is nothing more than Yankee fruit punch, will be described as a 'distinct, fruit-infused smooth wine, with notes of dried rose, oozing confidence and a rich spicy-berry aroma'. I will go on to cajole the wine taster by adding notes that suggest it is a wine 'steeped in history; kept in aged-oak barrels since the middle-ages, whilst its production is overseen by castrated monks who use sea-goats to guard its ancient secret'. I will suggest that it is best served with red meats, Pot Noodle, and Dairy Lea spread on multigrain crackers from Lidl."

Next week, we speak to a boy from Hampshire who has won an award for enduring sunbed disfigurement to become the 'most tanned child in Europe'.

Child consumed by ball pit and digested over a thousand years

Despite speculation that children are being eaten by monsters at play centres, a picture has finally emerged of a toddler, moments before being sucked into the jaws of an alien beast that has found refuge in a plastic ball pit. READ MORE...

Professor of Science Fiction, Robert Geek, from Hereford University, has warned that particles in space dust, containing the DNA of Sarlacc pit monsters, have been travelling from the distant twinned-moon planet of Tatooine for centuries.

"The ball pits at children's play centres are ideal habitats for these creatures. They like warm, dark areas where they can root into the ground and nest until their prey emerges."

"Just like the greedy rich, capitalist parasites, who hide undetected within our society, hording more and more unnecessary resources all for themselves, the grabbing tentacles of the Sarlacc pit monster remain completely undetected by its host until it needs to consume and take life. People always assume that the host is aware of parasites, but this is the beauty of them; it's their sole function, they remain completely hermetical until the last moment, when it's far too late - just like when the poor are made aware of banker's bonuses and clandestine government cuts."

A warming has been issued to inform parents, asking them to be vigilant at all times and conscious that parasites are all around them. It is now abundantly clear that these monsters will consume the lives of their children.

Scientists are now of the opinion that Sarlacc pit monster DNA must have mixed with the junk food found in the vicinity of young children, and this has caused the mutation and allowed the monster to evolve.

Third Birthday not as insignificant as the first two

Having recently turned three, a young girl has spoken out after being subjected to the usual ceremony of cake, balloons, events, and days out.

"It was all still pretty pointless", said Aoibheann, "I just haven't developed the memory capacity yet to clearly remember the day in adulthood. I'll look back at the photos and admit, yeah, it all looked like fun; I enjoyed myself, but, to be honest, I wish they had put the money aside for a fortnight in Ibiza when I'm eighteen". READ MORE...

"The problem is", continued Aoibheann, "it's one of those things where my parents are damned if they do, and damned if they don't. It's the same with everything: it's all about trying to impress other people by consuming s*** we don't need. It's like Christmas all over again. We all know that those of us under 'four' haven't got a Scooby Doo what it's all about, but our parents mindlessly blow tons of cash on stuff we don't need, all because society tells them to conform. If parents reject Christmas, birthdays, and immature days like Valentine's and Father's day, the community rejects them."

Experts say that there is scientific proof to suggest that a child under four-years of age will have no comprehension what day it is, let alone understand a bombardment of gifts as an introduction into mass consumerism.

"When will it end?" concludes Aoibheann. "Probably with a post on social media, in a vain attempt to impress people who largely don't give a s***."

Emerging arachnid thrives in ridiculous British climate

A beautiful spider has found solace and ideal mating conditions in Britain due to its mild winters and near non-existent summers.

Despite Brexit, global warming, and the threat of President Elect, Donald Trump, the fat yellow spiders says that they love British weather, the bland cuisine, growing nationalism and inequality.

An insignificant study suggests that the yellow spiders will be here to stay until the impending nuclear war.

Headless toy is not a Mild Mafia Message

Parents in Nottinghamshire have been living in fear for the last eight months after discovering a headless figure beneath their bed sheets.

A nationwide investigation, involving a local constabulary, private detectives, and the FBI has been taking place.

The family have installed 45 surveillance cameras and hired two body guards since the gruesome find last March. A special envoy was sent to Sicily where negotiations started and finished with fine organic red wines and sea food pastas. READ MORE...

Mafia bosses have been consulted from as far away as New York and the Philippines to determine whether a 'hit' was imminent. Members from the Sicilian crime syndicate in Palermo have all ascertained that there is no such thing as a soft message.

"You'll either get the horses head, or stabbed to death in a neck with an expensive fountain pen at a privately owned bar, before being bagged and disposed of via a number of associates and Police connections," we were told. "We don't play with dolls, we play with business, bury people alive, and return home of an evening to enjoy the delights of our mama's cooking."

The family are now relaxing security measures and are placing the incident in the hands of their three-year-old daughter, who is far more likely to be familiar with this type of crime scene as she has developed a vast experience with headless dolls.

Nottingham people too ignorant for beautiful architecture

The Nottingham City Council have decided to demolish the beautiful architecture in Nottingham's city centre, brick-by-brick, and send it directly to Hull.

A recent survey suggested that 98% of the population in Nottingham neither pay any attention to beautiful architecture nor give a s***. READ MORE...

According to a spokesperson from the City Council, the Neoclassical, Old English vernacular styles, and the Renaissance revival designs by architects such as Cecil Howitt, Alfred Waterhouse, Thomas Chambers Hine and Watson Fothergill, are to be 'dismantled and given to a city of culture where the local people will appreciate their splendor'.

Karla Bromley, 42, from Clifton said, "That old 19th century architecture stuff was alright for the dark ages, but this is 2017, and all people want nowadays are concrete, steel, glass, and a good Wetherspoons pub. I haven't got time to look at big Neo-Gothic buildings, I'm too busy looking for bargains in Primark, TK Maxx, and happy hours in bars. Leave all that foreign muck to the Arabs."

Others interviewed have agreed that it's time for a 1960's revival and Nottingaham folk, who mainly wander aimlessly about the city, between bookmakers and pubs, don't know their Fothergill Watson's from their Aunt Bessie's.

Malcolm Cowbach, 35, from Broxtoe, said, "Who gives a s*** what the building looks like. It's what is inside that counts. When I'm being turfed out of a club at 4 a.m., do you really think my concerns are surrounding who built the office block I'm vomiting beneath? This city needs a bit of colour, and I don't just mean the fluorescent sick of an extensive and largely irresponsible WKD session. Nottingham needs a more eloquent vibe. Those old buildings just clutter the pavements."

The splendid Prudential building, on Queens/King Street, completed in 1897 and designed by Alfred Waterhouse, will be the first building to go. It will be replaced with dull, recycled concrete from Newport, Gwent, and transformed into a huge, unsightly warehouse to store the overabundance of Styrofoam cups that help fuel the city's obsession with coffee shops.

The Mayor of Nottingham has also confirmed that the city shall be built on Coffee and Cake.

Woman reaches 'food pictures' stage in her life

Andrea Smethwick-Thompson, 24, from Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, has finally arrived at an illusory state in her life where she believes her friends and family are intrigued by the ingredients of her evening meal. READ MORE...

The social media post consisted of pre-chopped coriander on a wooded chopping board, and is not the viral hit she anticipated.

"After leading a spoon-fed, naive existence for the past twenty-three years, I thought I'd take a year out and travel at the expense of the Mum and Dad National Bank, before finally settling down in a two bed-roomed semi and landing a management role at an events management company. When everything fell into place, I just thought, why not, what the Hell, go for it; post a picture of your dinner on social media. It seemed like a natural progression at my age. I'm single, with one dog; all my parents and older siblings are still alive, and I will inherit a bloody fortune when they all die."

Andrea, who usually posts pictures of her dog, drunken selfies with shallow friends, holiday snaps, pretentious restaurants and new shoes, has since received 12 likes on Facebook and one heart on Instagram. It was not the response she expected.

"I didn't even get a f*in' comment," continued Andrea, "and there are at least eight sympathy likes on there. Especially from that bitch Maria, who only likes the pics that include her ridiculous oversized pouting lips.

"I've been had. I am deluded! I have over 400 Facebook friends who gave the impression that they found me interesting, despite not seeing any of them for over a decade. If they like the nonsensical pictures of my dog and the latest pair of Prada shoes, then you'd think they would be interested in my evening meal. I went to a lot of trouble for that food, and the ingredients were purchased from a city centre Waitrose."

Social media experts have previously warned of Facebook paranoia and an over-elaborated sense of self-worth when posting pictures of zero interest to 99.9% of the world's population.

Mark Thornton, from the 'Frontline Media Group', said, "Most people really don't give a s* about food pictures. Half the world woke up this morning wondering where the next meal is coming from, let alone contemplating taking a f*ing photograph of it. It's just mindless b*** from someone who has experienced life through the kaleidoscope of a privileged background.

Andrea has briefly touched upon her next post, which is likely to be a mundane selfie in slippers and pyjamas, emphasising that people often wear a different attire in the twilight hours of a dark winter's evening. She feels that this will be more popular as it highlights the fact that some single women have nothing better to do with their lives.

Sylvanian family menaced by Pirates

In the early hours of yesterday morning, a frightful band of misfit pirates plundered a quaint East Coast village, in North America, and subjected the immigrant family to a terrifying, four-hour ordeal. READ MORE...

"Frasier had baked bread for the whole family and the pirates came and ate it all," said Mrs Chocolate Rabbit. "They held us at gun point with antique pistols and pushed cold steel swords to our throats. They helped themselves to our homemade grog, and one pirate even shat in the cosy cottage toilet and failed to flush. They urinated in the jacuzzi and took turns to rest in our neatly arranged hammocks. It was horrendous."

It was first believed that the pirates intended to plunder the village in search of treasure and items of specific value. However, a rumour has since circulated that there is a much deeper, political motive behind the attack. A local resident allegedly overheard one pirate say that he was 'bringing sexy back', and that the pirate ship carried the name 'Trump Pence'.

Coco rabbit later told local law enforcement officers that the pirates were 'really creepy', and the old pirate, revered for his long grey beard, spoke with a strong British accent, likely from the South West region of the country.

"They claimed to be motivated by a Steve Bannon website," said Coco, "and the pirates constantly reminded us that this was 'Donald's town' now. He said that us illegals had no place on American soil and we must return to Syria immediately, even though we are from Sylvania, an unknown outpost in Southern California."

The FBI have since confirmed that, since Donald Trump's Inauguration, there have been no less than 18 similar attacks in the region, and they refuse to comment on whether the attacks are politically motivated or merely pirates just doing their regular Friday night, swashbuckling thing.

What has clearly emerged from these latest incidents is that they believe that one of the pirates present, during the Cosy Cottage early morning attack, is none other than wanted fugitive Randy Polowski. Polowski is wanted on a number of charges, including 'viewing an unapproved middle eastern news cast', having close ties to Mexicans, opposing an unequal society which is run by a corrupt central banking system, aggressive tax evading corporations, privately educated elitists, and billionaire barons.

Once captured, it is believed that Polowski with held in a large metal container and tortured within an inch of his life, prior to an extradition with no hearing.

The search for Randy Polowski continues.

Spanish broccoli saved after friends and family perish in 'Lettuce Crisis'

In a rare and candid interview through an interpreter, a Broccoli explains for the first time how he witnessed death on an unimaginable scale .

"It was my worst nightmare ever," he said. "We all knew the frosts were coming to take us; it was lingering in the air all winter. It transcended slowly from the east. I could hear the screams of nearby vegetables in an adjacent field. My brothers and cousins were slightly higher than me but I could feel the movement of their shivering. We all sang through the night to keep our spirits high, and we prayed to be saved and served boiled on a plate to unappreciative British children." READ MORE...

"We are meant to be devoured by human mouths, not left to freeze to death in a farmer's field. We accept the ancient custom of being consumed and slowly digested in the gut of humans, but we are not grown to freeze to death," continued the grief-stricken broccoli, who has lost all his friends and family in the worst Southern Europe winter since 1962.

The broccoli, who wishes to remain anonymous to preserve his blandness for the dinner table, said that he was grateful to the unknown farmer who saved his short but highly nutritious life by exploiting his quality and later selling him to a supermarket.

"I am just grateful for my maturity and the quick thinking of the farmer who recognised our suffering. Now I know why your British pensioners fear winter as much as we Broccoli fear teenagers, picky eaters, and those who, quite unaccountably, prefer their vegetables from the freezer compartment."

'Mermaid' is top job for young women

The beach life at glamorous locations, the long shiny hair, the flexible working hours, and the potential of Hollywood stardom has always been an aspiration for many young girls when considering a career after school. READ MORE...

According to a recent survey, the most highly coveted role for 18-21 year-olds is 'Professional Mermaid', with a massive 48% saying they would happily sacrifice everything at home to transform their feet into fins to constantly swim the seas and menace pirate ships until they find a young eligible prince.

However, Marcia Silva, a recruitment officer working for the 'Union of Deep Cove Mermaids', has stated that the role has become far more challenging than ever.

"It's not as glamorous as some people like to believe, " said Marcia, from Brazil. "The sea is more polluted than ever, the pressures to look great all the time can be a constant reminder of Hollywood expectations, and you can't even take a shower once you've made that decision to transform half of yourself into a fish. The pay isn't that great either and, apart from the swimming and the hair brushing, there aren't really that many perks with the job. Unless you are one of the lucky minority, who happen to be signed by a Hollywood agent or receive a lucrative modelling contract, you could find yourself regretfully living a lonely life off the coast of Scotland in January."

However, despite the pressures, young women are still three-times more likely to take a job as an apprentice mermaid than they are working as a beautician.

In 1952, the most desired job for teenage girls was a nurse, followed closely by a teacher and then a lawyer. This year, it's a resounding vote for mermaid employment, followed by 'Footballer's Wife', 'Unicorn Rider', and 'Gangster's Bitch'.

When surveyed, those who liked the idea of riding unicorns said that they would also consider any work that involved the well-being of mythical creatures.

Life Coaches to celebrate the 'working ethos' of Adolf Hitler

In a newly published book, entitled 'Heal Me With Your Crime', top life coach, David Miller, explains how we can learn so much from the working ethos of former German Politician and 'Time' magazine, Man of the Year, Adolf Hitler. READ MORE...

"Say what you will about Hitler", says David, "he was sharply focused and accepted the challenges of working towards a better life. He believed in his 'baby steps' and patiently strived to accomplish his goals. He had the drive to self-limit his behaviour, he was self-motivated, he meticulously worked through setbacks and tirelessly used marketing panache to promote his cause and campaigns using the modern day propaganda methods, advocated by the great Eddy Bernase."

Although most people see Hitler as a murderous tyrant who manged to manipulate the democratic process and kill millions of innocent people, David compares Hitler's leadership skills to that of U.S. President Elect, Donald Trump, and says we should 'ignore his war crimes and focus on his great skills as an orator and admire Hitler's ability as a small businessman who created great logos from pagan and Roman influences, and whose ambition outstripped that of the Microsoft dictatorship and Monsanto'.

"People often wrongly denounce the aggressive tendencies of the sociopathic business leader, who is an occasional alcoholic, as something evil," continued David. "We should be encouraging this aggressive form of capitalism and celebrating inequality and exploitation. Reagan, Hitler and Thatcher are the people who have made the planet what it is today.....an individually competitive shit hole where only a super-rich minority thrive and the rest of us have our polluted faces trodden on."

New Fiver's grandiose exchange

During a cash transaction in a local Primark, a brand new five-pound-note traded a venomous tirade of abuse and expletives with two tenners, a score, and 72 pence in loose change.

The plastic fiver became abruptly offensive and antagonistic when placed amongst older fivers. "He immediately demanded to be placed in a separate compartment, away from filthy, lower-class paper fivers," said a 1989 twenty-pence piece who was part of the loose change, and later exchanged in a Wetherspoons'. READ MORE...

"A tenner told him to pipe down, and then it all kicked-off," continued the 20p. "We all know our place in the till, but this new fiver was just obnoxious and narcissistic. We accept our value and the economic fluctuations we regularly encounter, but we never consider a system of class or race."

It's not an isolated case either. Earlier this week, a bunch of new fivers ganged up on a teenaged tenner, who was alone with an older twenty-pound note, in a Tesco local, in Surrey.

The plastic fivers were called 'immature' and 'deluded' after an altercation surrounding Brexit and the strength of the Dollar against the Pound. The confrontation resulted in the tenner being called a tatty c#*! and the twenty-pound note being spat on and undervalued by a stray Euro.

#newfiver #inequality #primark

#tesco #race #classwarfare

#aoibheannsSuite #currency

#brexit #dollar #wetherspoons

#euro #cash #money

Capitalist enjoys a day out

Instead of waiting until Halloween, a rich aristocratic Tory decided to visit Gulliver's Kingdom, in Matlock, wearing his finest capitalist attire whilst paying homage to imperialism and all that is self-preserving and unsympathetic.

How long can Britain's economy survive on eating obsessions?

Despite Man's ability to control fire and access more calories from meat for the last 400,000 years, human beings are increasingly turning mundane, zero-charisma, kitchen assistants - with nothing more than a home economics diploma - into Billionaire celebrities.

Once seen as a necessary task to supply one's family with nutritional sustenance, cooking is now a leisure activity that serves as a form of national entertainment. READ MORE...

According to More Magazine, Chefs now occupy a little over 60% of the Forbes' rich list, and the British public is determined to keep it that way until our pancreatic systems explode with bland entertainment and calories.

British folk will continue to be captivated by episodes of middle-aged men cooking ham and boiling an egg. And it doesn't stop there. Once they have watched the excitement from the comfort of their own mobility scooter, they will rush to their laptops and purchase a book that accompanies the insanely dull programme.

The likes of Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson are what Gladiators were to Rome: the economic backbone.

Britain now has three economic markers: dog shit; cocaine abuse, and obesity. It's a great boost to a sunless summer.

#aoibheannsSuite #food #cooking

#nigellalawson #billionaire

#celebritychef #jamieoliver #forbes

#obesity #sunless #mundane #dull

#eu #economicindicators

Start 'em young

Even Walt Disney and the original founders of Coca Cola knew that a combination of sugar and alcohol is the cornerstone of every child's nutritious breakfast. Just add a Big Mac and fries and your child is likely to succeed in life and possibly become an Olympic athlete by 22. READ MORE...

Just one pint of this mahogany ale will provide more protein than 37 apples, and every half-pint is equivalent to your child's five-a-day.

The full flavour and the brewing process will make your child better looking and allow parents to reap the rewards from a lucrative modelling contract.

If it's a high I.Q. your after, the added 5.0 ABV will guarantee an intelligence to rival a Chinese engineer who has a physics degree, a stake in Microsoft, and works on space shuttles in his spare time.

Just remember to drink irresponsibly and always designate a drunk driver before school.

N.b. immortality cannot be guaranteed prior to the 8543rd pint.

#drinkresponsibly #greeneking

#abbotale #cocacola #macdonalds #waltdisney #realale

Smokers First

In an attempt to increase the dwindling numbers of young smokers, producers of Itv's popular 'Love Island' have stated that all of next year's contenders for the show 'must be keen to induce

life threatening illnesses and have a propensity for looking cool, hot and sexy, whilst coughing up tar, smelling like a damp ashtray, and struggling for air after a short swim.' READ MORE...

"This year's final four only consisted of three smokers and they weren't ageing quickly enough because they hadn't smoked their DNA into submission yet", said an insider.

#itv #loveisland #aoibheannsSuite

#smoking #sexy #hot #sun #majorca

#heartdisease #lungcancerawareness

#nicotine

The truth behind those 'kitten heels'

In her evil pet lair, deep beneath her abundant residence, Theresa May denies herself sleep to observe the live boiling process that strips kittens of their skins. READ MORE...

Within walls thick enough to conceal the screams of her victims, Theresa May's shoe factory continues its production line through the night, as children from council estates weld, sew, polish and pleat into the early hours of the day, for only 50p a day and a bowl of cocaine.

Children should be disciplined like dogs

Experts claim that children should be trained under a harsh regime, like puppy Alsatians.

Aoibheann is now being subjected to a series of pushups and regimental marching that combine with her unnecessary chores, in an attempt to keep her out of prison and away from drugs and the filthy working classes.

#discipline #chores

#dusting #craftymilo #missmollysprettythings #alsatian

Satan's work to continue through Theresa May

Satan's work will continue through newly elected prime minister, Theresa May, it was announced yesterday.

The rebel angel fell flamed through an ethereal sky and into 10 Downing Street on Tuesday morning, in the hope of bringing untold misery to millions. READ MORE...

Mrs May told Sky news that she hopes to encourage rising inequality and aspires to ascend many glorious souls into the clutches of her master.

She went on to say that she will oversee untold poverty and ensure that children continue to die at the hands of God's curable illnesses, such as malaria and diarrhoea. She will force more disabled people into an abyss of poverty and poison more third-world water.

It's just the same old Tory misery, with another neoliberal face of evil.

All failed empires revered people who could cook

Despite Man's ability to control fire and access more calories from meat than ever for the last 400,000 years, humans are increasingly turning mundane, zero-charisma, kitchen assistants - with nothing more than a home economics diploma - into billionaire celebrities.

Once seen as a necessary task to supply one's family with nutritional sustenance, cooking is now a leisure activity that serves as a form of national entertainment. READ MORE...

According to 'More Magazine', Chefs now occupy a little over 60% of the Forbes' rich list, and the British public is determined to keep it that way until our pancreatic systems explode with bland entertainment and calories.

British folk will continue to be captivated by episodes of middle-aged men cooking ham and boiling an egg. And it doesn't stop there. Once we have mindlessly watched the excitement from the comfort of their own mobility scooter, we will then rush to our laptops and purchase a book that accompanies the insanely dull programme.

Historians have pointed out the similarity between our reverence for chefs, and the same ridiculous admiration for cooks in the days of the Romans, ancient Egyptians and the Ottoman Empire. The likes of Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson are what Gladiators were to Rome: the economic backbone.

Britain now has three economic markers: dog shit; cocaine abuse, and obesity. It's a great boost to a sunless summer.

#food #cooking

#nigellalawson #billionaire

#celebritychef #jamieoliver #forbes

#obesity #sunless #mundane #dull

#eu #economicindicators

Town of Culture

A provincial North Nottinghamshire town has been awarded with the coveted 'Town of Culture' award for 2016, following its inspirational and artistic rivalry with its intellectual neighbour, Bulwell.

The residents are overwhelmed with joy and satisfaction that such lowlife scum exist within their society.

A young mother of two, who lives opposite The Connery, has since said that she 'is so pleased that her children wake up to such a beautiful piece of work every morning.'

"We are delighted."

Bristol was runner-up.

#hucknall #crapgraffiti #culture #art

#graffiti #artforartssake

#articulate #lowlife #town

#bulwell #wtf

Dough faced child exposed

In 2008, Austrian chef, Gottfried Fleischmann, made a boy entirely from leftovers and named him Cornelius. He made his face from dough and raw chicken thighs, and used acorns for eyes, and pubic hair was mixed with flaxseed for his golden bonnet. READ MORE...

Despite having the voice of an angel, Cornelius was ridiculed by his friends after he appeared at the London Palladium on Wednesday night, singing an old Simply Red tune. He was taunted the next day and called names for his hideous appearance. A young girl said he resembled a photo negative of the female doctor in Planet of The Apes, from the late 1960's, and he was even compared to a ginger Nan.

The taunts didn't stop there. He was later called a 'Womanising Tory Manchester United fan', and then the tone hit rock bottom when a young boy described poor Cornelius as looking like ageing toss-pot Mick Hucknall, who has seen neither sunlight, sleep or vitamins for over fifteen years.

Aoibheann - From The Gutter

Austerity.

To celebrate continued austerity, The Royal Mint have collaborated with our millionaire government to bring you a once in a lifetime offer: the 'eighty-two-pence coin'. READ MORE...

For just £59.95, you can be the proud owner of something that is of considerably less value than you first imagined possible.

Presented in a limited edition 'George Osborne' presentation box, this worthless piece of metal can be a constant reminder of how insignificant life was under Tory rule in 2016.

Make your cheque payable to c/o HM Government (plus £3.75 p&p).

Offer likely to remain for many years to come.

#taxhaven #austerity #theroyalmint #coins

#toryscum #inequality #inheritance #82p

Aoibheann's disastrous experiment involving the manipulation of DNA means she's having to leave another town.

#theincrediblehulk

#fugitive #backpacker

If you can't stand the heat...

"Dad, I'm just gonna turn the cooker on until gas floods the house...and when the thermostat kicks in, you will be able to see the explosion from space."

#blast #gas

#explosion #fightclub

Aoibheann, discovering technology of the past.

It gets worse. Aoibheann has sinced asked what Blu Ray is and claims that her viewing pleasure is somewhat diminished by a mere 4K resolution. Technology: where will it end?

It's that feeding-the-ducks time of the year again

It soon comes around each year, and kids seem to love it. It's like we're on a humanitarian mission with the dropping of much needed supplies.

#anatidae

#canal #aid

Private Investigations

#aoibheannsSuite #taxhaven

#inequality #sociopath

#business #loophole #taxavoidance

Corporate Greed Is Child's Play

Aoibheann's four easy steps to

successful business management

and people skills:

1. Develop self-preserving sociopathic tendencies; 2. Employ people on minimum wage, take away their dignity and make them feel worthless; 3. Encourage your staff to feel grateful for their derisory salary by shouting slogans at them; 4. Develop a holding company to hide all profits off-shore, on an island like Grand Cayman.

#taxhaven

#sociopath #business #loophole.

Weather Obesessive

According to the rest of Southern Europe, I am weather obsessed. I continually bring it up in conversations, complain about the British climate being utterly deplorable and among the most miserable in the world, and I allow it to ruin my life.

READ MORE...

On the face of it, I am inclined to agree with the Southern Europeans. We do allow it to dictate our lives, we revere the sunshine and heat of the sub-tropics, and we do mention the rain far too often. However, I'm not about to roll over and submit to these denunciations of habitual weather worry. What I can say, however, is that being British, and spending the vast majority of my life on this cloud covered island, qualifies me to point out that we have a right to be climate conscious. If Southern Europe had the same shit deal as us - damp, pertetual darkness, a lack of affable temperatures and regular sunshine in the summer months - they'd be obsessed with the weather too.

God Bless Iain Duncan Smith

And we continue to lament the sad resignation of one of the Tory party's most lovable and generous characters.

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If he had been Prime Minister he would have become more popular than Jesus. Despite his abundance of wealth, he never demonised or spoke derogatory of the poor and needy, and he always had a welcoming smile and a hug for those seeking his help; especially the disabled.

IDS, as he was affectionately known, fought desperately to reverse the problems related to inequality and he tried to twist the Prime Minister's arm on many occasion, in an attempt to persuade him to enhance opportunities and social care to those who need them most.

He is sadly missed and, without him, we live in hope of another mercenary who can help heal the sick and strengthen the minds of those who have been oppressed by years of right-wing economic aggression and austerity.

Ready for summer 2016?

The end of March is that highly anticipated time of year when the clocks leap forward and the daylight rushes in. Unfortunately, the sun isn't is in any hurry to get its hat on. Another depressing summer is in anticipation.

Celebrating far too many mediocre years of 'shushing' in social clubs

Since its invention, Bingo has grown in popularity. It's like a magnet to pensioners, and the gluttons at British coastal resorts love nothing more than parking their fat arses and playing a few sheets while dining on a cone of chips and cheap lager.

Unsociable, unexciting and mundane, it fits right in with bland British culture. So, if you like going out for a drink, listening to some music and chatting with your mates, you are gonna be vehemently 'shushed' by those who are content with the mediocrity of playing Bingo.