The secrets of the universe are soon to be revealed! I am Baba Doodlius, and I know all! Well, truth be told I only know "most", but since nobody knows "all" I can just make up the stuff I don't know and nobody will be the wiser. That's the First Secret of Baba Doodlius! More to come.
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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Hello all you hungry Vultures of Curiosity out there on the Highway of Inquisitiveness, dodging the speeding Automobiles of obfuscation, so that you may gorge upon the succulent innards of the Roadkill of Truth!

Welcome to another episode of the

BabaDoodlius Reader Mailbag

in which I Reveal to you all of the Secrets behind your personal Mysteries of the Universe!

I have been remiss in answering your most excellent questions of late. In fact, I have been remiss about doing much of anything. Basically I am a lazy bastard bird who would generally prefer to sit around doing absolutely nothing most of the time. And the cool thing is, I can do nothing whenever I want, because I'm a bird and we have few responsibilities. Life is good!

But anyway, I'm here to answer a couple of your outstanding questions. And lemme tell you, these questions are truly outstanding! So let's get right down to business!

"How come, when you put on weight it knows exactly where to go? In other words, why do both your arms or legs get fat and not just one? Why doesn't gravity make it all go to your ankles?"

Once again, another excellent question from Lil'Sis! The answer, which of course I know since I know all, may surprise you: While you may think of body fat as just dumb ol' body fat, it is actually by far the most intelligent inhabitant of planet Earth, and is in fact one of the most intelligent entities in the Universe!

Body fat is not really a component of human anatomy, but rather a symbiotic being. It has no inherent mode of locomotion, and thus requires a host organism to get around. It distributes its mass fairly evenly around its host on purpose, so as not to draw undue attention to itself. A single host can support a great many body-fat organisms, but since they are mildly parasitic it's a good idea not to try to carry too many around - that can cause some unhealthy side effects. Having a couple of them is not generally a problem, and due to the body-fat's symbiotic ability to "mind share" with its host, having a couple of them can actually boost the host's intelligence somewhat. That's why geniuses are frequently a little pudgy and folks like Paris Hilton and Keanu Reeves are not often considered to be overly brainy.

This, my dear Mr. Squirrel, is one of the most argued about questions in Philosophy. Since this bout unfortunately never took place, scholars have argued about its possible outcome for decades. The main problem here is that Darwin specialized in Greco-Roman Jell-o wrestling while Freud was more of a Freestyle Jell-o combatant. It is my speculation that Darwin would have the upper hand, though, mainly due to his size and reach advantage and the fact that Freud was blind as a bat.

It is unquestionable, however, that Marie Curie could have kicked both of their butts at the same time. It is a little known historical fact that Mdme. Curie could bench press in excess of 200 kg and was known to employ the devastating "folding-chair-to-the-head" technique. She retired from Jell-o wrestling at the age of 36, with a perfect record of 73-0.

Question #3)-----------------Mrs. Doodlius asks:

"Why, when you sneeze, do you always sneeze more than once? Isn't one sneeze enough?"

Ah, my dearest Mrs. Doodlius, such a lovely question is always expected from one so lovely as yourself! I would link to your blog, but alas you have not yet been bitten by the blogging bug. Were you to start a blog, I'm certain that it would be a marvelous, beautiful blog!

Anyway, I happen to know the answer to your question (lucky for me, otherwise I'd be sleeping in the guest nest tonight). Sneezes happen in bunches because, unlike some other rather disgusting biological processes which shall remain unnamed here, sneezes are social bodily functions. They get lonely! They need company! Usually they occur in even numbers because sneezes generally like to pair up, and in fact are most often monogamous lifetime mates (like many birds, coincidentally). Occasionally, however, you may encounter some adventuresome odd-numbered groups like the risque "menage-a-sneeze". Only rarely will you encounter a solitary sneeze, and this one will invariably be some sort of rebel, vagabond sneeze with a bad attitude that you wouldn't want hanging around other sneezes anyway, because these dudes are a bad influence!

Well, that about wraps up this installment of the Reader Mailbag. There are a couple of other questions I have been asked and have yet to answer, and I promise to get to these shortly. So tune in next time when the Great and Powerful BabaDoodlius Reveals more Secrets of the Universe!

Thank you for your answer. I personally think that Freud would win cause he would know regression techniques which will help him identify with the time when his ancestor was a creature of the primordial slime (which is very similar to Jell-o) hence giving him adaptation advantages over Darwin who would consider himself to have evolved pass the Jell-o stage.

Baba, once again I feel enlightened. So, I should not be scared of my fat cells as they contribute to my intelligence. I shall try to embrace that thought when I get a few too many fat cells visiting my thighs!

Oh, and the sneezes, I love them. They feel so good - the more the merrier.

Lydia: I aim to be entertaining as well as educational! Mmmmm... sunflower seeeeeeeeds!

Alex: Nice of you to stop chewin on your human's nose hose long enough to stop by! I'll answer your question as soon as I do some research!

Moooog: OK, that's an interesting question. I'll throw it on the pile!

Beach Bum: Welcome to the home of the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius! Quick answer to your question: they wouldn't ever let Einstein Jell-o wrestle because he kept cheating by using The Force. (The reason Einstein looks like Yoda is that they're 2nd cousins.)

The Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius

Let me explain... no, there is too much. Let me sum up:

The Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius is a citizen of the Universe, and resides there full time. He enjoys eating, sleeping, chewing up blocks of wood, and pondering the deepest secrets of the Cosmos that have remained unexhumed and unexamined for countless millenia. All that and he's darned cute as well.