My good friends, pull up a log, I’d like to speak with you for a few minutes about the artful smear campaign currently being perpetrated by Secretary Clinton that I am a single issue candidate. To this statement I will concede that nearly 99% of what discuss is the 1%. However, within the remaining 1%, I have discussed such issues as the environment, mass incarceration rates, Pacifism, Healthcare, The Minimum Wage, a maximum wage, Child care, my favorite ice cream flavors, black lives and how they matter, and maternity leave.

I do not wish to attach the Secretary when I say this, but it may seem as if this is a single issue because wealth inequality has led to poor working conditions, less than livable wages, gender pay inequality, the privatization of prisons, unaffordable healthcare and childcare. In this country some women are given half a day of Maternity Leave so that they can deliver the child in a clean environment and then it’s straight back to work, welcoming shoppers at Walmart.

Perhaps it would do the Secretary good to check her own pocketbook and see just who came up with the idea that I am a single issue candidate. Perhaps the Arms Manufacturers who would rather not see a pacifist in the White House. Or the Democratic National Committee, who would rather not see me in the white house. Now that I am a viable candidate, it’s clear that those with corporate interests are less interested in my success, and that’s fine, everyone has a right to look out for themselves. I’ve said it before, I will not be a friend to big-business. In fact, I’ll be more like a school yard bully and under my administration I build a locker big enough to stuff Goldman Sachs into. The big banks will speak in falsettos for weeks after the wedgie I give them. But I’ll be bullying the rich to send the poor to school. Oh there’s an issue I didn’t mention earlier, affordable schooling. I’m basically a 12 issue candidate, which is conveniently the average amount of money donated to my campaign.

[slow fade]

Oh did I mention, race relations, flint michigan, the LGBTs movement, I called for rick snyder to resign, spoken up about Justice Scalia’s replacement, I’m fairly active on twitter. I’ve got a few back issues of the New Yorker and Socialism monthly I need to finish, I’ve stood against the move the put peanut butter in snickers bars, I’ve drank tap water my entire life…