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The real reason you dwell on your "what-ifs"

Five steps to help you get past the worry

When you are thinking of taking a step out into your next career move, or leaving a current relationship situation for one that is more right, you may dwell on “what if. ” “What ifs” hold you back in your comfort zone. You probably experience this as feeling fear, but I think what stops you is not so much fear, per se, but what is underneath the fear.

Fear is a natural, evolutionary-based response to new situations, but “what ifs” come from your lack of confidence and lack of self trust. If you don’t trust yourself to be able to learn and course-correct from any mistakes, if you don’t have a secure feeling that "no matter what happens, I will make a good situation out of it,” and if you don’t have a strong and accurate appreciation of your own value, then you will feel a need to maintain tight control over and forecast the outcomes of any new step. Your worrying serves this purpose. When you have a concern about whether you are enough or if you have what it takes, it will cause you to put a lot of pressure on any next step -- i.e., you will give the decision an extra charge because it has to succeed in order for you to prove yourself, redeem yourself, or finally find success and security, etc.

The most successful people, to use the cliche, “feel the fear and do it anyway” because they have core confidence underneath their fear.

What wish do you have for a next step, but keep your wheels spinning by generating lots of “what ifs”?

Use these five powerful tips to move past your “what ifs” and start having a career with more passion or a relationship with more happiness

Here is how successful people who are not getting in their own way do it. Each of these effective approaches stem from their core confidence in their own competence and value:

1.) They don’t tie their self worth to the up and down results that ensue from their decision each day. Rather, they are objective, not subjective, about the results that happen, and see each misstep as an opportunity to improve.

2.) They, too, put their attention on what other people think -- but on a different aspect. Their focus is on articulating other’s challenges and finding improved solutions to them, not on what other people will think about them in terms of their personal worthiness, value, or competence. Their focus is not self absorbed (on "how others will think about me so I can feel ok in myself"), instead their motivation is intrinsic and their focus is on how can I make my best contribution in their world and feel proud of myself for that.

About the Author

Sharon Melnick, Ph.D. helps 'talented and successful people get out of their own way',FAST! Informed by 10 years as a researcher at Harvard Medical School, she teaches businesspeople to achieve double to triple digit business growth and career promotions within a year, as well as the ability to make the right choices for a fulfilled life.