Feelings are often apparent by observable changes: Blushing sweating, etc.

The mind plays and important role in determining emotional states.

In his book Shyness, ZImmbardo looked at more than 5,000 subjects

80% described themselves as having been shy at some time

40% described themselves as being presently shy

Those who labeled themselves as "not shy" behaved in virtually the same way as their counterparts: Blush perspire, racking heart-rate.

The difference between the two groups seemed to be the label used to describe themselves.

The person who has the symptoms and thinks, "I'm such a shy person!" will most likely feel uncomfortable and communicate less effectively than another person with the same symptoms who thinks, "Well, I'm a bit shaky (or excited) today, but that's to be expected.

Risk

But risks must be taken,

because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.

The people who risk nothing do nothing,

have nothing, are nothing, and become nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow,

but they simply cannot learn to feel,

and change, and grow, and love, and live.

Chained by their servitude, they are slaves;

they have forfeited their freedom.

Only the people who risk are truly free.

Universal Emotions: People from all cultures express these emotions in the same way

Happiness

Surprise

Anger

Disgust

Fear

Let others lead small lives, but not you.

Let others argue over small things, but not you.

Let others cry over small hurts, but not you.

Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you.

Emery and Campbell indicate that there are only 4 basic emotions: Mad, sad, glad, and scared.

He suggests these primary feelings can combine to form other mixed emotions.

Anticipation and Anger mix to be aggressiveness

Disgust and sadness mix to make remorse

Fear and surprise mix to make awe.

Culture and Emotions

In one experiment of students with varied ethnic backgrounds-Caucasian, African American, Asian, Hispanic--the participants were asked to identify 56 photos representing their social situations. They identified the type of emotions, intensity and appropriateness.

Ethnicity seemed to play a role in the interpretation

Blacks perceived the emotions in the books as more intense than the Caucasian, Asian and Hispanic subjects

Asians perceived the emotions as least intense

Blacks reported a greater frequency of anger expressions than did the other groups

Caucasians perceived the display of several emotions as more appropriate than did the other groups

Asians perceived the display of emotions as least appropriate.

One aspect of communication competence is the ability to understand our own cultural filters when judging other's behaviors.

Gender and Emotions

As a group women are more likely than men to express both positive emotions (love, liking, joy, and contentment) and feelings of vulnerability (fear, sadness, loneliness, and embarrassment)

Men rarely express these emotions, especially to male friends, although they may open up to the woman they love.

Men reveal strengths

Women are more likely to use emoticons (such as the symbol :) )

Power and Emotions

People who are less powerful learn to read more powerful person's signals.

One experiment revealed that "women's intuition" should be relabeled "subordinate's intuition."

In oppposite-sex twosomes, the person with less control-regardless of sex--was better at interpreting the leader's nonverbal signals than vice versa.

Consider these definitions on human relations (Walker & Brokaw, 1986)

The greatest comfort is kindness

The greatest handicap fear

The nicest feeling appreciation

The worst mistake bitterness

The best help clear thinking

The greatest power love

The sorriest pain anxiety

The most needless burden false guilt

The pleasantest attitude cheerfulness

The highest barrier false pride

The most wasteful action self pity

The deepest need understanding

The brightest hope personal maturity

The most pressing ache loneliness

The greatest problem the self

The most constant need self assurance

The saddest feeling rejection

The greatest yearning tenderness

The sweetest joy romance

The swiftest resolution self-knowledge

Emotional Contagion

Emotions can be transferred from one person to another

Researchers has 2 volunteers identify their emotions by survey

The volunteers were left in a room facing each other for 2 minutes while "waiting for the researcher"

Time after time, the less expressive partner's moods came to resemble the modes of the more expressive one --as revealed in a survey.

"We can catch feelings from one another as though they were some kind of social virus."

Anger Provoking Actions by Others

Type of Behavior

Males

Females

Physical Aggression

45

55

Verbal Aggression

25

34

Insensitivity

9

37

Condescension

18

48

Dishonesty

2

5

Inefficiency

1

1

Harris 1994 In Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw

Expressing Emotions

People who know how to express their emotions are healthier than those who don't.

Inexpressive people-those who value rationality and self-control, try to control their feeling and impulses, and deny distress. These people are more likely to to get a host of ailments, including cancer, asthma, and heart disease.

Overly expressive people also suffer psychologically

When people lash out verbally their blood pressure jumps an average of 20 points.

The key to health is to express emotions constructively

Expressing Emotions

See how many feeling you can write down....

People who act out angry feelings-even by hitting an inanimate punching bag--actually feel worse than those who experience anger without lashing out.

Use language that expresses that you are responsible for your feelings

No-You're making me angry

Yes-I'm getting angry

No- You hurt my feelings

Yes-I feel hurt when you do that

Most people suffer from impoverished emotional vocabularies. Most people use good, bad, terrible, or great to describe their day.

Thoughts Caused Feelings

Cognitive psychologists argue that it is not events that cause people to feel bad but rather the beliefs they hold about these events.

In job interview, people who become nervous are more likely to use negative self-talk when they think about their performance.

The Criteria of Emotional Maturity

The ability to deal constructively with reality

The capacity to adapt to change

A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties

The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving

The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutualsatisfaction and helpfulness

The capacity to sublimate, to redirect one's instinctive hostile energy into creative and constructive outlets

The capacity to love

William C. Menninger, MD

Irrational Thinking and Debilitative Emotions

The Fallacy of Perfection

Believe that worthwhile communicators should be able to handle every situation with complete confidence and skill. Assume that people won't accept you if your imperfect.

The Fallacy of Approval

It is vital to get the approval of every person. The people will go to incredible lengths to seek approval from others even when they have to sacrifice their own principles and happiness to do so.

The Fallacy of Shoulds

The inability to distinguish between what is and what should be. "There should be no rain on weekends," "People ought to live forever." "I should be able to find a quick solution to every problem," "I should always be happy," "I should always demonstrate unselfishness."

The Fallacy of Over generalization

Limited Evidence: "I am so stupid, I can't even remember how to so my income tax." "Some friend I am, I forgot my friend's birthday."

Based on the irrational belief that emotions are caused by others rather than by one's own self-talk. Becoming overly cautious about communicating because they don't want to cause any pain or inconvenience to others. "Keeping quiet when another's behavior is bothering you." "Pretending to be attentive when you are really late for an appointment and want to go."

The Fallacy of Helplessness

Suggests that satisfaction in life is determined by forces beyond your control. People continue to see themselves as victims. "There's no way a woman can get ahead in this society It's a man's world." "I was born a shy person, I would like to be more outgoing but there is nothing I can do about it." Most "I can't" statements should really be rephrased as "I won't."

The Fallacy of Catastrophic Expectations

If something bad can possibly happen, it will. "If I invite them to the party, they probably won't come." "If I apply for the job I want, I probably won't get hired."

What really matters: Character

Which is more important: Skill, talent and intelligence or character?

A host of thinkers, modern and ancient, agree: Character.

This may seem odd in a society where skill leads to fame and well-known people succeed despite their transgressions, but even authors who encourage worldly success place character above skill.

Author Stephen R. Covey defines character as being made up of the principles and values that give your life direction, meaning and depth. These constitute the inner sense of what's right and what's wrong. You know the difference between right and wrong based on inner traits of integrity, honesty, courage, fairness and generosity.

Philip Eaton, president of Seattle Pacific University, echoes these thoughts in a column written for the Seattle Times. "History should teach us that we need more than competence...Competence can make the trains run on time, but only character, based on enduring values, can make our society something more than efficient. Good character leads to goodness. Good character brings health, life and hope. People will always get hurt in the presence of bad character."

Dr. Russell Gough, author of Character is Destiny (Prima, 1998), says: "Knowledge without character--without, that is, virtues such as honesty, self-control, responsibility, and compassion--is worthless at best and evil at worst. Or, as President Theodore Roosevelt famously expressed it, 'To educate a person in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.'"

These writers agree that our character is what shows when we are put to the moral test. In a rough situation, do we lie or tell the truth? Do we choose honesty and fairness even when this could lead to losses? As Mark Twain said, "The weakest of all weak things is a virtue which has not been tested in the fire."

Minimizing Debilitative Emotions

1. Monitor your emotional reactions.

2. Note the activating event

3. Record Self-talk

4. Dispute your irrational beliefs.

I believe that courage is all too often mistakenly seen as the absence of fear. If you descend by a rope from a cliff and are not fearful, to some degree, you are either crazy or unaware. Courage is seeing your fear in a realistic perspective, defining it, considering the alternatives and choosing to function in spite of risk. Leonard Zunin.

In Class Overheads

There is Power in A Name

Ms, Miss, Mrs.,

Black, African, American, Negro

Blind, Visually Impaired, Visually Challenged

Handicapped Kid

Policeman, Policewoman, Police officer

Steward, Stewardess

Redskins, Indians, Native Americans

We are attracted to those who have a speaking style similar to ours.

Linguistic Solidarity-adopting the same slang and speech mannerisms.

Convergence - adapting anotherís speech style

Divergence is speaking in a way that emphasizes differences.

Small Talk

Feed the other person information that might start a conversation

Ask questions about shared locations, people, places, events

Avoid yes and no questions

Donít disclose too much information

Avoid short answers

Compliments

Need to be sincere

Compliment the person rather than an object.

"You have great taste in clothing" which compliments the person versus "I like your dress" which compliments the dress.