Romantic Comedies. My god.

I am not a fan of romantic comedies. Of course, there are some I have seen and enjoyed. “Annie Hall” is obviously fantastic. One time I watched “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” and I enjoyed it. It might have been because I watched it with a girl I had a crush on. Word of advice: if a girl invites you over to watch “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”, she wants to lose you when the movie is over.

First, the ways that the main characters meet are just too quaint.

"You'll never believe what happened! I was doing my job as a dog walker in the park, and a man ran into me while HE was walking dogs! Turns out, one of the dogs I was walking was his mom’s, and one of the dogs he was walking belongs to my boss who happens to be my ex-husband who played basketball with the guy who hit me in college! Isn't the world a crazy small place? So he's going to come over to dinner at my house to make up for killing the dogs I was walking, and to challenge my boss/ex-husband to a game of one-on-one for my heart!"

Then the first date is something you would have to save up to do with your wife of 10 years, but the main character here is a real man. He picks her up in his Maserati because the Lambo is in the shop, and takes her to a Lakers game, court side. Kobe Bryant falls on their lap and they get caught on the Titantron. The crowd starts to cheer.

"Yayyyy! Beautiful people on the screen with sexual tension! Wooooo!"

They hear the chants, look at each other as if they will kiss, but then Kobe comes over to apologize and ruins the moment.

This all happens on the first date. First date! What could date two possibly consist of?

"I didn't want to tell you on the first date because I didn't want you to think less of me, but my father actually owns NASA. Have you ever had a candlelit dinner on a space shuttle? Your past boyfriends couldn't offer you that, huh? Wow, what losers. So I'll pick you up at 8? Just joking. My driver will do that."

He invites her over. She spends all day buying a brand new dress because she's a “down-to-earth” girl who wears jeans. The driver comes to get her, and she's so “down-to-earth” that she says she can get her own door. Since she's “down-to-earth”, she gets caught in the door because she doesn't understand that a dress has more material in it than jeans. Instead of opening the door, she pulls on it and tears the dress in half! She spends the rest of the ride saying to the driver "Oh yeah, everything is okay,” while she's changing in the back. There's a cute scene where the driver catches her shirtless in the rear view and a hilarious line about her character. He thinks he's picked up a hooker.

"Oh dear, who am I driving for? Charlie Sheen?"

Luckily she's resourceful, and uses a piece of gum and a hairpin to fashion the dress into a newer, skimpier one. Where before she looked nice, now she looks “sexy.”

They should be able to have a nice dinner after her harrowing ordeal, but no! The spaghetti blows up! The wine bottle explodes! His dog attacks her! The pipes in the wall burst with all the sexual tension in the room and everyone gets drenched! He tells her to take a shower to wash the tomato sauce out of her soul. He walks in by “accident” to find the phone book, and boom. Magic!

Just when it seems they will be together forever, there's always a crucial point where there is a misunderstanding that seems to have destroyed the amazing two-date foundation they have made. Maybe they go to the theatre, and the main beautiful man says "Here's a handful of money. I would give you my Visa, but I lost it last week scuba diving off the coast of Greece. Why not go grab popcorn and I'll get the tickets?" The main woman walks up to the concessions counter, and the man working behind the counter just happens to be a kid from a day camp where the main woman volunteers. She is an amazing “down-to-earth” person, so they share a laugh about the time she saved the entire camp from being bulldozed to make way for a Nuclear Power Plant/Puppy Killing factory. The main guy sees this and assumes they were flirting.

"This is what you do, huh? I give you at least 200 dollars to buy popcorn, and you try to ride a 17-year-old in public?! Why don't you just blow him?!"

"How could you say that? And you know I wanted to buy Milk Duds."

"Argghrhghgh! This isn't gonna work!"

The main woman has a scene where she talks to her friend at work, who is always a bigger girl with more attitude than all of the comedians on Def Jam.

"Don't you let him talk to you like that, girl! You be telling him that if he don't appreciate you for you, he won't get to walk into your bakery and order a dozen sex cookies. That's what I'm saying! All right, I was only here to talk like this for a minute and hopefully get a laugh. Gotta go g-friend money girl lady!"

The man sits in his car on the edge of a bluff. He looks down at his hands, and thinks about his entire life. He realizes that after three dates, he has found his wife, and that nothing else in his life matters. He gets out of the car, leaves the door open, and starts to run in the rain. He runs to her job and finds her attitude friend.

"Is Celeste here?"

"Who be axin ‘bout ol’ C-Diddy?"

"... Her future husband."

"We'll see what she got to say ‘bout dat!"

Celeste comes out, and they have a moment. He tells her everything is useless without her, and how sorry he is that he accused her of trying to sleep with a popcorn salesman. He has a three-minute speech about how she is everything he has been searching for. Celeste’s entire office listens. Everyone cries. They kiss. And just then, her ex-husband comes back for her!

"Celeste! I need you back! Who’s this?"

"Her new husband, Charlie! Remember me? College ball?"

"I remember. You could never handle me in one-on-one."

"Let's see about that."

The main character dunks over Celeste’s ex-husband, Charlie. Charlie starts to cry. Kobe comes in and says, "Now that's a dunk!"

Celeste and the main man embrace, and the office cheers. The End. Now we can all go find this fantasy. I hope the bigger girl with attitude I have to deal with doesn't have a gun.

The names for these atrocities are ridiculous also:

"Love Be Nuts"

"Don't Take My Heart On The Train"

"Who’s The Groom?"

"Maid Of Love"

"Who Told Tou?"

"Don't Be That"

"Jesus Christ, I Have Butterflies"

"Did You Order Nachos?"

"Did you order Nachos 2: Hold The Engagement"

"Babbling Brooke” (That one’s about a girl names Brooke who can't stop talking but also lives beside a babbling brook! Just enchanting.)

"Up, Down, Sideways"

"Love Like A Tree"

"Your Mom Said"

"10 Minutes In Tulsa"

"Who Broke My Eggs?"

"Excuse Me, Where Can I Find Love? Aisle 3."

"Cave diving: Sometimes Love Is In Centre Earth"

Or they get right to some point:

"He Just Thinks You’re Fat"

"Maybe If You Could Give A Blowjob"

"She Finds You Creepy And Awkward"

"Look... Leave Me Alone"

"You Still Here?"

"You Were A One-Night Stand. Take Your Toothbrush Out Of My Bathroom"

If the world worked like most of these movies perpetuate, it would be a gross place where beautiful men would drive gorgeous cars and only date fit, well-educated girls whose make-up and hair are always perfect even if they just went through the spin cycle on a dryer, and love to have a good time and laugh... I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.