about the words people say…
and how they cut like a knife, leaving scars

about the lies I believe…
and how they morph into truth as they are processed in my head

about shame…
and the damage that is left in its wake

at the age of 8, she joined weight watchers

ain’t that a shame

she got cut from the 7th grade basketball team

ain’t that a shame

she was almost top of her graduating high school class

ain’t that a shame

she never dated in high school or college

ain’t that a shame

she didn’t have a back-up plan after getting her degree

ain’t that a shame

youth ministry didn’t work out for her

ain’t that a shame

everything she stood for and the very essence of who she was came under scrutiny

ain’t that a shame

she had a bachelor’s degree but was working in food service earning just a bit over minimum wage

ain’t that a shame

she almost died in a car accident

ain’t that a shame

she ran a failing business

ain’t that a shame

she was bankrupt at age 33

ain’t that a shame

she turned 39 and lost her mom not long after

ain’t that a shame

she needed to see a counselor

ain’t that a shame

she continues to doubt her choices

ain’t that a shame

ain’t that a shame

but what I hear is…
you aren’t good enough
you are too fat
you are not smart enough
you will be alone forever
you didn’t plan well
you obviously didn’t hear God correctly
you are living a lie
you will never be able to earn more than minimum wage
you were careless, maybe even reckless
you are a failure
you should be grieving
you should be able to handle all of this on your own
you have nothing
you are not enough.

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” – Geneen Roth

I know that all of that is faulty thinking…
that those thoughts are not sourced from Truth

shame is an ugly monster.

it tells me that I am those things

not good enough, a failure, careless, too fat, not worthy

“The voices of condemnation, shame, and rejection can come at you, but they don’t have to reside in you. That’s your miracle in the mess.” – Lysa Terkeurst

my miracle in the mess??

yep…I can proudly say that I have that experience
not only physically

I spent 24 days in a coma and had to
remember how to walk, talk, eat, write, read
you name it, I had to remember how it was done

but I can also say that I don’t let those things live inside of me.

to be honest and fair to myself,
I do allow those things to sign short-term leases
I go through moments
where I feel extremely sorry for myself
and it seems easier in those moments to believe the lies
(part of me sees the truth in them)
than to fight it.

I’m just being honest.

shame
has
a
hold
on
me.

it does.
and it is something that I truly have to fight
every
day.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” – C.G. Jung

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” – Brene Brown

“Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling.” – Brene Brown

“Is shame just a negative emotion and a skewed mind-set, or an actual parasitic force that drains life, takes life, and keeps us from the life God has always intended for us?” – Ann Voskamp

isn’t that what I am fighting against?

aren’t we absolutely capable of change?

hasn’t shame feasted long enough on the very core of my being?

can I get a “me too”?

“God can take what Satan meant for shame and use it for His glory. Just when we think we’ve messed up so badly that our lives are nothing but heaps of ashes, God pours His living water over us and mixes the ashes into clay. He then takes this clay and molds it into a vessel of beauty. After He fills us with His overflowing love, He can use us to pour His love into the hurting lives of others.” – Lysa Terkeurst

this journey with shame…
it continues.

but…
shame does not have to punch in the
GPS coordinates
it does not get to tell me where to go
how to think
what I can and cannot do
shame does not have that power over me…

oh yes, my friends, I have certainly relinquished that freedom
to this ugly monster.
I have allowed shame to be the reflection I see in the mirror
or the image I see on the camera screen
shame has dictated
for long enough
how I see myself…

ain’t that a shame

yes…
but that doesn’t mean that I am
a shame.

that does not mean that I am not enough

I’m still working on all of this…
filtering out the lies
and grasping the truth.

I’m still a work in progress…

I just finished my master’s degree
and am a licensed professional counselorwith skills

I believe
truly believe
that none of what I have endured
will go to waste…
I believe that I can “pour into the hurting lives of others”
because of what God has done.

The Spirit of the Lord, the Eternal, is on me.The Lord has appointed me for a special purpose.He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor.He has sent me to repair broken hearts,And to declare to those who are held captive and bound in prison,“Be free from your imprisonment!”

God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes,To anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow,to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness. – Isaiah 61:1, 3 (the Voice)

this.
all.of.this.

that is not shame.

that is honor.
that is life.
that is victory.

Oh Your amazing grace
I’ve seen and tasted it
It’s running through my veins
I can’t escape its grip
In You my soul is safe
You cover everything – We are Messengers, My Victory