memory

All posts tagged memory

I’ve heard that a definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. If that is true, then I’m stupid. On the other hand: the time I got to spend not feeling lonely and sad made it worth the cost. My only regret being I could have made the cost a little less by not losing my head in the process. That’s where the stupidity kicked in.

Coming back to my senses has been a pain. Trying to move on is hard. Life will never be the same again but life never is the same anyway. Always keeps changing.

Still, I wish I could turn back time and relive some incredible moments of joy. It wasn’t long ago they happened but now it feels like they never did at all. I cling to the memory of them trying to recall how it was but it keeps fading away like a dream after I wake up.

Looking forward I don’t see much more than boredom and perhaps some kind of job.

I’m not sure I’ll make it but all I can do is keep going. Trying to think positive.

Well, Dad, 22 years has passed now without you around to help me. I never thought I would make it this far but here I am. Of course, Mom was a great help for 20 of those years, but now I’m going to have to make it on my own for the rest of my days.

You gave me a great start and I’m forever thankful for the years I got to share with you along with everything I learned from you. You are forever in my thoughts and I will always remember you and all that you did for us all – family, relatives and friends.

Today, May 15, would have been your 93rd birthday and I wanted to write this to express how much you mean to me and how much I miss you and most of all how much I love you, always.

You got to live your dream, so today I hope you take Mom with you and go for a nice flight since flying was your life.

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You got time to kill, you say.
Wrong, I say. Time can’t be killed. Time kills you.

I’m wrong? I doubt it. I see time killing every day. When I look in my mirror.

What a way to welcome back May. The only way. Been a year. What a year.
A year ago my “work” ended at the last place I was at. Due to my depression and suicide thoughts. Mostly it ended because the place didn’t want to be responsible if I would suddenly jump out a window or harm myself or someone else around there. No problem, I have forgiven them.

After a long time of waiting, I got the Employment Agency to start looking into giving me some more help. After I got my ASD diagnosis earlier this year, I was supposed to get to start at a place of work. But so far nothing has happened. I have asked why more than once but all I get is that they will look into the case. Also new people keep taking over my case.

Anyway, today is the first day of the beautiful month of May. May was my mother’s name. It feels strange to not have her around. So I celebrate her memory by thinking of her throughout the month. Also, the 15th of May is my father’s birthday. He would have been 92 this year, the same age as my mother.

The other day I felt very sad thinking about how much I miss my parents. Then I decided to start getting my life back on track, as it would be the best way to honor their memory. Not by sitting around feeling helpless, even if that feels “better” sometimes.

Been a long time. Once again. I don’t get around to writing much here anymore. Not that I don’t think about it. I do. Almost every day. Or mostly, every night. But, and that’s a no small but, I keep forgetting what I thought of when I get around to write.

So, I end up with this kind of text that you are now reading. Not my best effort but enough to fill out some space.

Life came to a halt last October, on this very date. I know, it didn’t actually stop then, it just feels like it has. Life still moves along, in the background. Just as it always has, and always will. So what, if I feel like my life stopped on that day. It didn’t. But it changed forever, that much is true.

Now, I’m trying to learn to live on my own. Alone in the world. I can’t say it has been easy, but I’m getting along. Small steps.One at a time.

But, today I miss my mother, as I’m sure I will every month around this date for the rest of my life. Of course I also miss my father but I have had 20 years to learn to handle that loss. Return in 20 years from now and check how I handle the loss of my mother.

If I still run this blog 20 years from now. In June, I will celebrate 11 years of blogging. Amazing, I never thought I’d carry on this long.

Not surprising, I have run out of steam a bit. I barely manage one post per month now. I’m more active at Twitter and Tumblr.

That said, I still like my blog enough to keep it up and running, and I’m happy for the readers I have.

Not to say you are old or anything and I won’t mention your age but I do want to wish you a wonderful birthday.

I know you don’t wish to keep in touch so this is not any attempt to get in touch again. Just happened to think of the times we shared and how much I value our friendship now that it isn’t active anymore. I will always remember it.

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This morning I woke up early, around 6 am, and thought about how life was. How my life used to be. At the time when I had very few worries.

On an average weekend back then, I would wake up around 9 am, if I wasn’t working, when I would instead get up at around 7:30 am to have breakfast, get ready and dressed, grab my bike and go off to work around 8 am.

But on a weekend off, I’d get up, have breakfast while reading the morning paper and then after a few hours I’d get dressed and ready to walk down to the commuter train station and go to the city. Most of the time I would walk around, looking at things in the shops and perhaps go eat a late lunch or go see a movie before returning home in the evening.

At home, in the evenings, I would often watch movies on the VCR, or listen to music. I would also read a lot of books or magazines and write a lot of stories and such. Sometimes I played video games. It was a nice time.

During the week I’d go to work in the morning and get back home around 6:30 pm, have dinner and spend a few hours resting and relaxing doing much the same as described above. Of course I had chores to do then as well but I don’t remember them taking a lot of my time, I just did what needed to be done just as I do now.

All I really remember is that I liked my life. It was good. The people I worked with were mostly nice and friendly too. The few I didn’t get along so well with I still could tolerate and there were not much trouble of any kind.

Why think about this today? I don’t know. Today is a rainy day and life felt a bit boring and depressing so I thought about the old days. I guess I miss those days. Never thought I would back then. I thought I’d be living the same way for the rest of my life.

What I really miss is to belong to society. To be needed at a place of work. To be a part of something. To have my skills put to good use.

Anyway, as much as I miss it, looking back isn’t the way forward. I have to keep moving on. Someday, my life will be that good again.

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Sitting here. Saturday night. I’m all alone as usual. Sitting here. Thinking. Listening to music. Thinking back on the glory days. When I was still young. Where did all the time go ? Once I thought I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted to do. Then I thought I had time to find out what I wanted to do. Now that time is all used up and I still don’t know what I want to do. So much wasted time. Listening to Dire Straits thinking back on the girl at school who introduced the music of Dire Straits to me almost 25 years ago. If it hadn’t been for her I probably would never have started to listen. If not for her I would never have found out how much I like John Mellencamp‘s music. Sometimes I wonder if she ever returned from that trip around the world she embarked on a long time ago. Haven’t heard from her since then. Last news was a postcard from Bali or someplace around there. Anyway I’ve already told the story on this blog about how she managed to break my heart – or rather how I managed to break my then young fragile heart over her. Foolish I was to break my heart over somebody who never loved me and never ever would, no matter how much I wanted it to happen. Well sometimes listening to music brings back a lot of memories of the past. I don’t know why I always return to my past. Maybe because I think the future hasn’t got much to offer ? Maybe because I think my best days are all behind me ? Well I hope there are some good days still left in front of me but I can’t deny I doubt it lately. The way my life is going I don’t know if it even deserves to be called a life. At least its not living, its just staying alive. Still I keep on hoping there’ll be something good coming my way yet. If I just hold on one more day things will change. Right ? So why did I start writing this ? Oh I was listening to some old tunes and started to remember my glory days. The sky was the limit. Everything was possible. How I long for those good old days now ! To be back in the high life again…. Keep dreaming.

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MoonieZ

Welcome ! I'm the author of this blog. I write about my daily life, my interests and the world around me. Sometimes I also have a little fun with words. Just so everyone knows that not every word posted here is true.