Monday, January 11, 2010

Where To Start?

It's been a tumultuous time here in Jen's world. I have a lot of things going on with my body, relationships, and work. I have many things to process that I need to break up into a few separate posts. I'll tackle the health stuff first because that's the one with the least emotional charge.

So I've been doing Crossfit, which is intense. Today was a fitness challenge test. 150 wall balls for time. Wall balls are really tough for me. You start in a squat position with a medicine ball on your chest. You drive yourself up into a standing position as you drive the ball up with your arms, attempting to hit an X on the wall that is 10 feet above the ground. The challenge is to be the most improved 10 weeks from now. So today I had to do the initial test to set my time to beat. It was brutal. Somewhere around 50, I started crying and pretty much blubbered my way through the rest of the 100. I could only do 4 or 5 at a time and then would have to stop and gasp for oxygen and wipe the tears away so I could see the damn X. It was bad; snot was running out of my nose and everything.

I wasn't really embarrassed because I was doing this in front of the coach. I was more humiliated with myself. I am ashamed that I have let my body get this bad. I am angry that I have never made my own body important. I strive to be the best at everything I do. I hate being 'average' or just 'ok' at something. I want to be outstanding. Why did I never have that kind of drive for taking care of myself? Why was I willing to be asleep at the wheel while I became obese and my cardiovascular system degenerated? I was humiliated alright, not to be crying in front of the coach, but because I had so completely let myself down.

Anyway, I finally finished all 150; it took me 19 minutes. Jeremy clapped me on the back and said, "I'm really proud of you, Jen. I thought you were going to quit." Amazingly, he never let on while I was doing it. He was patient and encouraging. He kept telling me, "You got this," and "Let's do 5 more." If he doubted I would finish, he hid it fabulously well the whole time. Weirdly, I never doubted I would finish. I was miserable and choking on my own facial fluids, but I knew I'd finish eventually. I'm really happy that it didn't take me all day!