Monthly Archives: November 2011

It’s been nearly 3 months since he dumped me. ….so into to him I couldn’t walk away no matter what a piece of shit he was. Cheatings, beatings, lies…….. For 3 and a half years he cheated on me with various prostitutes, couples, Craigslist hookups, and a gangbangs, and as I just recently found out few men too. None of this was known to me til the last year. But I thought I could “fix” him. I really thought if I just loved him enough, he would stop. He dumped me; a faithful, monogamous woman……to go out with and fuck all them

My heart is still broken.

Last night I finally decided to have a drink with an acquaintance I have spoken with for a year by phone, we shall call him S.

He lives a few towns away. We click on many levels, but he realized that I was entrenched, knee-deep in shit with my ex and he was busy was pursuing a married woman who was “seperated”. So although there has been perhaps some interest romantically on both ends, the point was moot. It has remained utterly platonic and we have never met face to face, that is until last night.

We scheduled to meet at a local pub up the street when he got out of work.

I met S at said establishment at around 11:45. I was a bit late because I had just received a voicemail on my home phone last night around 11:30 pm from my ex.

I had seen his name come up on called ID and did not pick up. Who knows why the fuck he calls me, he doesn’t want me anymore. Oh that’s right he’s a sadist, he enjoys seeing me cry and rubbing my face in pain. Foolishly, I did check the message and what I heard made me have the dry heaves.

It was not the voice of my ex it was the voice of another man,

“Thanks for loaning you ex-boyfriend **** out for the night he fucked my wife real good tonight, she really enjoyed that big cock, I didn’t realise he was into bondage he really whipped her ass real good.” Then from out of the background the wife says “oooo I loved it……ohhhh yeah…..he fucked me really good….. oh he fucked me better than ever ……he did things I’ve never even felt before…thank you very much.” Then my qualifier comes on the phone and says, “these folks are going home now, and now I’m going home. Have a good night.”

So 5 minutes before I have to go and meet my new friend and our first possible “date” I am choking back dry-heaves and tears. I am in the bathroom fanning out my eyes and re-applying make-up. I get to the Pub and meet S. It is noisy and so loud, the cigarette smoke when the door opens is so thick, I realise it is not conducive to conversation. Since my son is away for the holiday, I ask S if he would like to come back to my place. He follows me in his car. I am very nervous as I have not had another man in my home for 3 and 1/2 years.

Things go really well for the first few hours. We talk and enjoy great conversation. I see that he makes some subtle advances and I begin to get nervous because I am realising I am in over my head. Although I like S very much and find him attractive. He does have an amazing body and beautiful blue eyes…..I am not ready. My heart is a mess. and if you know me, I need to have emotional involvement to have a relationship. Otherwise he will be a one night stand. I like S too much, I DON’T want it to go that way. We have been friends for a year. Not him……Not now. But he doesn’t see this. He continues to make advances.

First base.

I recoil. He senses I am uncomfortable. I apologize for pulling away from the kiss. I feel like a line has been crossed. I feel like I have betrayed my qualifier in some fucked up way, even though we are long since broken up and I still love him…. that only another victim/ empath would understand. Some fucked up torch-bearer like me. Even though I like how he feels, looks, tastes. I feel what I am doing is wrong. He tells me we will kiss again in a few minutes. He is correct.

Second base.

In the pale light of the pc playlist going, I am having actual flashbacks. My ex and S are the exact age, height, same hair cut, and in this strange light I am having flash backs of “him”. As S is leaning over kissing me, I am actually seeing my qualifier. It’s my C- PTSD (Complex-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder) I recoil again because I am actually leaving my body. It’s too much to handle and so I’m just leaving. S notices something is wrong and asks if I am okay and I don’t know what to say. I tell him “I’m just leaving, just zoning out a bit.” I am more worried about freaking S out and don’t know what to do. How can I explain this to him. The thoughts are intrusive. They are flashbacks, not me wanting to think about my ex. My guess probably largely due to the phone call I had just received. Images of him fucking these people. S continues puts his hand down my panties, I freeze like a deer in headlights panic and can’t seem to say anything, Much like a child who experiences sexual abuse, body betrays me and responds anyway. He probably thinks nothing is wrong. But inside my mind is going wild my heart is racing out of total terror, not the excitment S is feeling. I want it all toSTOP.

Third base.

Something rises up in me and I finally I able to get my body to execute what my mind wants to say and stop him cold in his tracks. I take his hands and just flip him off. I explain to him my position. That once you cross that line, you can’t go back to being friends. and as the words are coming out of my mouth I am simultaneously realising sadly, this man already thinks I am a whore. This guy never had the intention of getting to know me either, the dirtbag. He just wanted what he wanted. Even though not one single solitary man has either touched me nor entered my home in almost 4 years. Even though my ex has cheated on me scores of times, possibly a hundred by now, scar-ily. I remained faithful to that sadistic misogynistic pig. I just want to find a possible relationship and this guy only care about getting off.

Once S realises I am not going to fuck him. He goes to the bathroom, says he’s going to freshens up and says he is going to head out citing that is will just further frustrate us both to keep going on this way. Instead he comes out with his pants unzipped and asks me if I want to see how big his cock is as he’s already pulling it out.

I tell him “No!” and that him just leaving unless I did something sexual, is hurtful.

S said nothing and left anyway.

I feel like a filthy whore…..I feel like I have no worth.

All I wanted was to meet him and get to know him better. Why wasn’t I able to tell him I need to have things move at a slower pace? Why can’t I set boundaries ?

Now this morning I have two pains. The pain of knowing my ex rubbed my nose in some woman he fucked and how much she liked it and her husband apparently watching and liking it. and knowing he chooses that over me. and that he wrote me in an email that he paid $250 on two hookers 2 days earlier for their services. How bad can I be, that he would rather be with a hooker?

The second pain is that my friend S, left because I wouldn’t fuck him.

The message? Unless I spread my legs I have no value.

This must be fucking hell. I must have died on the operating table 2 months ago during surgery. Life can’t possibly hold this amount of pain.

I’ve said this for the last 30 years. So long now I can say this in my sleep. Next week the Church is going to fuck with this prayer and change the words to make it “new” version of the Roman Missal. Where was the voting process? Pfffft. Yeah right. There wasn’t one. I think this is bullshit. I’m not sure what I”m going to do. I think I’m going to still utter the old prayers and responses while everyone else babbles on with the other shit.

This particular prayer has special meaning for me right now.

I am feeling particularly large amounts of shame and failure in my life.

So this prayer just can’t be fucked with. It needs to remain intact.

I’ve been sleeping with my Rosary Beads at night. They were my grandmother’s. She prayed on them every morning. They are almost 80 years old. She even has a relic on there of Saint Padre Pio of Pietrelcina . He is a canonized Saint who had suffered stigmata. They bring me comfort. Knowing that her hands touched them, she was the most holy person I ever knew. Never said a swear her whole life. Went to Mass every day. She was a good, good person. Always had a smile for everyone.

My soul is in great turmoil.

At a friend’s suggestion, I am going to try take a trip for a 90 days. I need a hiatus. A sabbatical.

I’m nervous about this trip. I’m going to travel light. I will bring my Bible, I need to start reading that again. It has been years since I have read it. My heart has become hardened. Stubbornly refusing to go God’s way and instead going my own willful way. Repentance is on the forefront of my mind. To turn away from sin, change my mind, change my direction, turn towards God…..

Again and again the same situation
For so many years
Tethered to a ringing telephone
In a room full ot mirrors
A pretty girl in your bathroom
Checking out her sex appeal
I asked myself when you said you loved me
“Do you think this can be real?”

Still I sent up my prayer
Wondering where it had to go
With heaven full of astronauts
And the Lord on death row
While the millions of his lost and lonely ones
CalI out and clamour to be found
Caught in their struggle for higher positions
And their search for love that sticks around

You’ve had lots of lovely women
Now you turn your gaze to me
Weighing the beauty and the imperfection
To see if I’m worthy
Like the church
Like a cop
Like a mother
You want me to be truthful
Sometimes you turn it on me like a weapon though
And I need your approval

Still I sent up my prayer
Wondering who was there to hear
I said “Send me somebodyWho’s strong, and somewhat sincere”
With the millions of the lost and lonely ones
I called out to be released
Caught in my struggle for higher achievementsAnd my search for loveThat don’t seem to cease

-The Same Situation-

Joni Mitchell (1974) Album: Court and Spark

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel possessed by him.

Today, I do not see a way out.

I feel like Persephone, abducted into the underworld,

sentenced there forever; only allowed return to the living part of the time.

Like this:

Buddha sought to find a solution to the problem of suffering. He knew that suffering is inevitable. We cannot escape it. We will all be alive, become diseased, and then die.

Suffering by his definition was more “dissatisfaction”, caused by our own mind. This dissatisfaction stems from our desires. Our desires stem from our senses and passions. Touch, smell, sight, hearing, taste. Our emotional world, what drives us towards something. Put another way, desires can become out of balance and become problematic: GLUTTONY, GREED, SLOTH , ENVY, WRATH, PRIDE, LUST.

Therefore suffering has a cause, our mind causes our suffering, the way we look at things and the way we allow them to become out of balance.

The way out of suffering is to make careful choices about our desires. Find a way to live with our desires, not wipe them out, nor indulge them.

Neither a hedonistic pleasure spree, not an ascetic renunciant, but a balanced middle way of life.

A state of serenity and peace from suffering, as I am learning, can be found in the practice of meditation and becoming mindful.

An ancient poem counsels,

“Like an archer,

an arrow,

the wise man

steadies his trembling mind;

a fickle and restless weapon.“

************

“The only gate is now, pay attention to now, to the present moment. the doorway to peace is your own body and mind. There’s nowhere to go, there’s nothing else to be, there’s no destination, it’s not something to aim for in the afterlife, it’s simply the quality of THIS moment.”-

– Jane Hirshfield- Poet

***********

Lord knows my mind is full of perseveration, obsession and negativity. I have enough bitterness and resentment that is eating at me, mostly about him. I find it showing up in my dreams at night if I am able to repress it during the day. My ex has been coming to me in my dreams since I have been ceasing communications and my compulsions and rituals, I wonder when it will stop. I hate that he still has power over me even while I sleep.

Although raised in a strict Roman Catholic home, my faith journey has lead me from Latin Mass to an Hasidic Synagogue. This has already been a lifelong process for me. Certainly, I find myself in a place of turmoil at present. I know who my God is and who I pray to every night. However, the practice of taming the mind is Universal and is open to all. I am going to embrace this mindfulness practice. Start small 5 minutes.

Remember that guy , that bald guy that did that breakfast commercial, “Quaker Oats, it’s the right thing to do” Wilford Brimley or whatever his name was.

Well you know that Oats and fiber are supposed to be good for your body and so I got those some of those Fiber One bars. Which are made of you guessed it, oats and fiber. Those little butterscotch whatever yummy tasty caramel kind. I thought well if one bar is good for you, maybe like two is good, and three is even better. Yeah, so I ate like 5 Fiber One bars. I ate nearly the whole fucking box. Before you go judging, chillax, they’re tiny in size.

Let me just tell you it was like Hiroshima in my intestines. Oh my God. I almost shit my pants. Then, when I finally made it home, I couldn’t leave the bathroom. I must have gone like 25 times in a day. I was shackled to the toilet all day and into the night. It was more powerful than any laxative I’ve ever taken. Those bars should be prescription only.