Cherish this moment? Tips For Real Newborn Moms!

Every time I post a picture of Coura on social media, I have somebody comment to “cherish this moment” or something similar. It’s probably my fault because I only post the totes adorable pictures of her and avoid posting the ones where she’s blowing a gasket or needing to eat every 45 minutes for 45 minutes, but I’m not really sure I want to treasure all of these these moments.

A month from now, I may read this and wish I would’ve paid more attention and appreciated the point in time more, but for now I’m ready to start feeling like me again.

Next month, I may change my mind, and regret writing this, but right now I can’t figure out what moments I would want to embrace. Is it…

The fog I’m walking around in day and night?

My constantly sore nipples?

Being too big to fit into even my maternity clothes?

All the fluids leaking from me nonstop?

Having no energy to give to anyone, including my baby or my boyfriend?

Wishing she was asleep because I’m too tired to play with her?

Feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing?

Crying for no reason?

And then crying even more about something stupid?

Not having the time or energy to even organize her room, which she’ll eventually want to be living in?

Staying inside because it seems like too much work to leave the house?

But then going crazy because I haven’t left the house?

Are these the moments I should be cherishing? Because to be honest, I’m so tired that even if all these memories were great memories, I don’t think I have the capacity to enjoy them.

Yes, when I look at her she melts my heart, and she is pretty damn perfect. She’s a part of me and I love her completely and unconditionally. But I will still love her just as much in a month or two, when I’m a little more rested, I have my shit figured out a little bit more, and I have a glimpse of hope of having enough energy to laugh when she does something funny or play with her after she eats instead of hoping I fed her enough to fall asleep on me so I can get a quick nap in.

As I write this I feel like a horrible mom wishing she would be just a few weeks older so that we can be a family sans headaches and tears, but it is what it is, and I am who I am, and these are the feelings I am feeling.

I know this is a lesson for me to live in the moment, and by default, it’s all I can do, so thank you universe for forcing it on me.

And I know I am allowed to live in the moment while also being excited for my future. It’s like I learned in recovery: I can work on being better while accepting myself as I am.
And of course I will go on doing my best. Taking care of Coura and loving her with every cell of my being. But I will also be looking forward to the day when I am holding her just to have her in my arms and give her love instead of to feed her and hope she falls asleep after.

Until that day, I will be open to the advice from the hundreds of moms who are wiser and more experienced, and I promise I will do my best to cherish this moment, right here, right now. I promise.