Archive for April, 2017

Her eyelids grew heavy, she consciously forced herself keep her eyes open, for if she let them close she would slip off into the darkness….the nothingness.

She felt her fingers tingling as the extremities were now loosing oxygen.

The blue sky shone so brightly. The green from the grass surrounded her on all sides.

She fought off the darkness, she fought off the sinking feeling in her gut that she would soon black out. “No, I refuse to give in!” The terror flowed through her veins, her limbs felt worlds away. But she refused to tap out.

“I won’t pass out, I won’t pass out”, over and over again her mantra. Now her hands lay by her side, now her body betrayed her, it was limp, her eyes drooping lids heavier and heavier, still she fought the darkness.

Finally, the pressure released from her neck. Slowly the blood regained it’s oxygen, slowly the color came back into the world. The bright blue sky, the white flowing clouds the green tall grass. She had prevailed.

The pain and terror finally, she was numb. She just wanted it to all stop, for somehow to go back, somehow to find those moments again.

Drip, Drip, Drip

She enjoyed the shapes that the water made as it hit the toilet bowl.

Boredom kills, it slowly takes the mind, then the Soul, no stimulus, no growth.

She wanted something new…well, this was new.

Drip, Drip, Drip

She suddenly noticed the knife in her hand. The small pen knife she always carried. It was used many time, for Sacred offerings, looks like it was used for another on. It was pink and wet.

Some of the dark fluid landed on the floor, she shoot mesmerized by the shapes, she saw animals and flowers, skeletons and amoebas.

Drip, Drip, Drip

slow dripping, the waiting to the next drop. The waiting, the waiting is so painful…she could not stand anymore to wait for anything! She grasped her forearm and gripped tightly, she squeezed and slip her hand down….pushing out as much of the sacred fluid as she could.

It was a boyfriend well, two that I had years ago….How the heart still wanders.

Finally, all all these years, I am starting to feel again, to let my heart emotionally wander. I think this has definitely had an impact on my dreaming.

Feeling and being engaged again has it’s downfalls. I am bored, lonely. I am still missing my people, I am still missing having a Lover, a Companion. I went last night to my local Goth Club, it used to bring me joy, and to be honest, the dancing does bring me joy, but being there now only irritates me and reminds me how these are not my people.

I was so blessed about 10 years ago to find one of my people, then another, and another. One became my Partner and lifemate. My life was busy, and full, I was neither lonely, not very often, or bored.

His hair was so different, short, like a crew cut and blonde now, with patches of brown. It was still him though. Parts were pierced, parts were scarred but he still resided in that body.

He came to tell me, “no, I never Loved you like I should have”. I knew that. Why did you come? “You needed to know”. Know what? That I was right! The flash of anger left my body. Looking into his eyes, I softened. I always knew this, I was grateful he spoke it, finally, for I had never stopped Loving him, and a part of me still belonged to him.

We just held each other hoping to somehow heal the hurt we had caused each other, to fix the broken places. We decided to head out for a walk, there was a cave he wanted to show me.

The cave was magical, moss covered in spots and bare in others. We sat down for a meditation when his brother showed up. “You gotta leave here, you aren’t supposed to be here”. We gathered our things and headed out, on the way out we noticed that a Pow-Wow had begun. There were Indigenous people selling their wares. Cedar branches, rabbit fur and more cedar. We followed the path out of the woods……I awoke.

Back to dreaming: I was once again at a Pow-Wow, but this one was in Iceland, I think. It was a gathering of Tribes from all over. It was along the sea front. At one point the sea was churned white with fury, waves and ice, floating by in this torrent were nativity scenes, like the one’s in front of people’s houses.

Meanwhile….back inside. There were dancers, performers and many vendors with wonderful jewelry. People were buying objects to sacrifice in the fire. I am left with a sense of Joy and Pride.