Thursday August 24th

I went to my school this morning and worked in my room. I got the 2 smallest bulletin boards done. I still have 5 to go. Ugh. I am going to go back over there tomorrow and get at least 2 more done. The Yankee fabric that I bought wasn’t enough for all 4 smaller boards, so I only used it on the 2 smallest. I will find out tomorrow how far the other fabric will go- it may be enough to cover all the rest.

I am feeling better about my job and my NY life again after seeing my dept chair and my new co-teacher yesterday after the pd. I was worried the co-teacher might be pushy or a rule book stickler, but she seemed really sweet, and I think we will be fine together. And, I was worried that the expectation would be that I implement this prescribed curriculum verbatim, but my dept chair just waved it off like it’s not a big deal. Whew. That is a big relief. I just didn’t see how I could possibly bring regents scores up while playing around with that all inquiry curriculum. It just couldn’t work. I felt absolutely light-hearted after she told me not to worry about it.

I rushed away from school because I had an appointment with my therapist at noon today, but she wasn’t there. I don’t get it. I broke my neck to get across town and she wasn’t even there. I even tried calling her and got her voice mail. I just came home and did my laundry. My apartment is a mess, but I never feel like cleaning it. I am frustrated with the holes in the wall, the missing bathroom window, the walls that need painting, etc. It just doesn’t even look better when I clean it, so it makes me not want to clean. I have decided that I am going to turn in that bill for the new door knob and lock with my rent for September and deduct the amount from my check. All she can do is ask me to pay it. And, because of all the problems with the gas, etc., she may just let it go. I did ask 2 or 3 times for that door knob to be fixed, and all the dumb ass super did was tighten the stripped screw, which would come loose again almost immediately. I am going to push back a little by deducting the cost from my rent.

I am going to not spend any more money on my place and try to find a new place when my lease is up if I haven’t made any progress with the rent stabilized argument by then.

My daughter actually called me today. I couldn’t believe it. That makes the 2nd time she’s called me since I moved here in January- and the other time she called it was because she was upset and freaking out and needed me- this time was just to talk. I think me texting daily is helping. She would never answer when I tried to call, but just texting seems to have helped at least keep me in her life.

Just Keep Swimming

I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."